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diff --git a/3271.txt b/3271.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..100f836 --- /dev/null +++ b/3271.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7172 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, Part 1 +#1 of this seven part series by Charles Farrar Browne + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.03.09.01*END* +[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael Hart] + + + + + +This etext was produced by anonymous Project Gutenberg Volunteers + + + + + +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Complete Works of Artemus Ward +(Charles Farrar Browne) Part 1 + +THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ARTEMUS WARD + +(CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE) + +WITH: +PRELIMINARY NOTES BY JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN. +A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH BY MELVILLE D. LANDON, "ELI PERKINS" +AN INTRODUCTION BY T.W. ROBERTSON. +A PREFATORY NOTE BY EDWARD P. HINGSTON. + + +CONTENTS. + +PRELIMINARY NOTES BY JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN. + +A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH BY MELVILLE D. LANDON. + +AN INTRODUCTION BY T.W. ROBERTSON. + +A PREFATORY NOTE BY EDWARD P. HINGSTON. + +PART I. + +ESSAYS, SKETCHES, AND LETTERS. + +1.1. One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters. + +1.2. On "Forts." + +1.3. The Shakers. + +1.4. High-handed Outrage at Utica. + +1.5. Celebration at Baldinsville. + +1.6. Among the Spirits. + +1.7. On the Wing. + +1.8. The Octoroon. + +1.9. Experience as an Editor. + +1.10. Oberlin. + +1.11. The Showman's Courtship. + +1.12. The Crisis. + +1.13. Wax Figures vs. Shakespeare. + +1.14. Among the Free Lovers. + +1.15. A Visit to Brigham Young. + +1.16. Scandalous doings at Pittsburg. + +1.17. The Census. + +1.18. An Honest Living. + +1.19. The Press. + +1.20. Edwin Forest as Othello. + +1.21. The Show Business and Popular Lectures. + +1.22. Woman's Rights. + +1.23. Would-be Sea Dogs. + +1.24. The Prince of Wales. + +1.25. Piccolomini. + +1.26. Little Patti. + +1.27. Ossawatomie Brown. + +1.28. Joy in the House of Ward. + +1.29. Boston. (A. Ward to his Wife.) + +1.30. How Old Abe Received the News of his Nomination. + +1.31. Interview with President Lincoln. + +1.32. Interview with the Prince Napoleon. + +1.33. Agriculture. + +1.34. Busts. + +1.35. A Hard Case. + +1.36. Affairs around the Village Green. + +1.37. About Editors. + +1.38. Editing. + +1.39. Popularity. + +1.40. A Little Difficulty in the Way. + +1.41. Colored People's Church. + +1.42. Spirits. + +1.43. Mr. Blowhard. + +1.44. Market Morning. + +1.45. We See Two Witches. + +1.46. From a Homely Man. + +1.47. The Elephant. + +1.48. How the Napoleon of Sellers was Sold. + +1.49. On Autumn. + +1.50. Paying for his Provender by Praying. + +1.51. Hunting Trouble. + +1.52. Dark Doings. + +1.53. Reporters. + +1.54. He had the Little Voucher In His Pocket. + +1.55. The Gentlemanly Conductor. + +1.56. Morality and Genius. + +1.57. Rough Beginning of the Honeymoon. + +1.58. A Colored man of the Name of Jeffries. + +1.59. Names. + +1.60. He found he Would. + +1.61. "Burial in Richmond and Resurrection in Boston." + +1.62. A Mayoralty Election. + +1.63. Fishing Excursion. + +PART II. + +WAR. + +2.1. The Show is Confiscated. + +2.2. Thrilling Scenes in Dixie. + +2.3. Fourth of July Oration. + +2.4. The War Fever in Baldinsville. + +2.5. A War Meeting. + +2.6. The Draft in Baldinsville. + +2.7. Surrender of Cornwallis. + +2.8. Things in New York. + +2.9. Touching Letter from a Gory Member. + +2.10. In Canada. + +2.11. The Noble Red Man. + +2.12. Artemus Ward in Richmond. + +2.13. Artemus Ward to the Prince of Wales. + +PART III. + +STORIES AND ROMANCES. + +3.1. Moses the Sassy; or, The Disguised Duke. + +3.2. Marion: A Romance of the French School. + +3.3. William Barker, the Young Patriot. + +3.4. A Romance--The Conscript. + +3.5. A Romance--Only a Mechanic. + +3.6. Roberto the Rover; A Tale of Sea and Shore. + +3.7. Red Hand: A Tale of Revenge. + +3.8. Pyrotechny: A Romance after the French. + +3.9. The Last of the Culkinses. + +3.10. A Mormon Romance--Reginald Gloverson. + +PART IV. + +TO CALIFORNIA AND RETURN. + +4.1. On the Steamer. + +4.2. The Isthmus. + +4.3. Mexico. + +4.4. California. + +4.5. Washoe. + +4.6. Mr. Pepper. + +4.7. Horace Greely's Ride to Placerville. + +4.8. To Reese River. + +4.9. Great Salt Lake City. + +4.10. The Mountain Fever. + +4.11. "I am Here." + +4.12. Brigham Young. + +4.13. A Piece is Spoken. + +4.14. The Ball. + +4.15. Phelp's Almanac. + +4.16. Hurrah for the Road. + +4.17. Very Much Married. + +4.18. The Revelation of Joseph Smith. + +PART V. + +THE LONDON PUNCH LETTERS. + +5.1. Arrival in London. + +5.2. Personal Recollections. + +5.3. The Green Lion and Oliver Cromwell. + +5.4. At the Tomb of Shakespeare. + +5.5. Introduction to the Club. + +5.6. The Tower of London. + +5.7. Science and Natural History. + +5.8. A Visit to the British Museum. + +PART VI. + +ARTEMUS WARD'S PANORAMA. + +6.1. Prefatory Note by Melville D. Landon. + +6.2. The Egyptian Hall Lecture. + +6.3. "The Times" Notice. + +6.4. Programme of the Egyptian Hall Lecture. + +6.5. Announcement and Programme of the Dodworth Hall Lecture. + +PART VII. + +MISCELLANEOUS. + +7.1. The Cruise of the Polly Ann. + +7.2. Artemus Ward's Autobiography. + +7.3. The Serenade. + +7.4. O'Bourcy's "Arrah-na-Pogue." + +7.5. Artemus Ward among the Fenians. + +7.6. Artemus Ward in Washington. + +7.7. Scenes Outside the Fair Grounds. + +7.8. The Wife. + +7.9. A Juvenile Composition On the Elephant. + +7.10. A Poem by the Same. + +7.11. East Side Theatricals. + +7.12. Soliloquy of a Low Thief. + +7.13. The Negro Question. + +7.14. Artemus Ward on Health. + +7.15. A Fragment. + +7.16. Brigham Young's Wives. + +7.17. A. Ward's First Umbrella. + +7.18. An Affecting Poem. + +7.19. Mormon Bill of Fare. + +7.20. "The Babes in the Wood." + +7.21. Mr. Ward Attends a Graffick (Soiree.) + +7.22. A. Ward Among the Mormons.--Reported by Himself--or Somebody Else. + +* * * + + +PUBLISHERS' PREFACE TO THE NEW (1898) EDITION. + +The present edition is of a work which has been for more than +thirty years prominently before the public, and which may justly +be said to have maintained a standard character. It is issued +because of a demand for a BETTER EDITION than has ever been +published. + +In order to supply this acknowledged want, the publishers have +enlarged and perfected this edition by adding some matter not +heretofore published in book form. + +More than one hundred thousand copies of the work have been +printed. The plates had become so worn as to render it +unreadable, yet the sale kept on. In preparing this new edition, +many of the author's fragmentary pieces, not contained in the old +edition, have been added. The earliest of the author's writings, +published in periodicals in 1862, are included, together with +many additional illustrations, which now, for the first time, +make the work complete. + +It is universally conceded that no country in the world has ever +produced a genius like Artemus Ward. Writers of ACKNOWLEDGED +GENIUS are never very numerous. He attained a great and deserved +popularity, which will be lasting. + +It has been observed that the wit of one generation is rarely +appreciated by the next, but this is not true of Artemus Ward. +There is a constant demand for his writings, for the reason that +his jokes require no appendix for their elucidation. No one who +speaks the English language can fail to appreciate his wonderful +humor. It will always be funny. There is a fascination about it +which can neither be questioned nor resisted. His particular +niche in the temple of Fame will not be claimed by another. His +intellect was sharp and electric. He saw the humor of anything +at a glance, and his manner of relating these laughter-provoking +absurdities is original and "fetching." + +PRELIMINARY NOTES BY JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN. + +Piccadilly, W. Jan. 30, 1865. + +There is a story of two "smart" Yankees, one named Hosea and the +other Hezekiah, who met in an oyster shop in Boston. Said Hosea, +"As to opening oysters, why nothing's easier if you only know +how." "And how's how?" asked Hezekiah. "Scotch snuff," replied +Hosea, very gravely--"Scotch snuff. Bring a little of it ever so +near their noses, and they'll sneeze their lids off." "I know a +man who knows a better plan," observed Hezekiah. "He spreads the +bivalves in a circle, seats himself in the centre, reads a +chapter of Artemus Ward to them, and goes on until they get +interested. One by one they gape with astonishment at A. Ward's +whoppers, and as they gape my friend whips 'em out, peppers away, +and swallows 'em." + +Excellent as all that Artemus Ward writes really is, and +exuberantly overflowing with humour as are nearly all his +articles, it is too bad to accuse him of telling "whoppers." On +the contrary, the old Horatian question of "Who shall forbid me +to speak truth in laughter?" seems ever present to his mind. His +latest production is the admirable paper "Artemus Ward among the +Fenians" which appears in Part 7. + +If Artemus has on any occasion really told "whoppers," it has +been in his announcements of being about to visit England. From +time to time he has stated his intention of visiting this +country, and from time to time has he disappointed his English +friends. + +He was coming to England after his trip to California, when, +laden with gold, he could think of no better place to spend it +in. + +He was on his way to England when he and his companion, Mr. +Hingston, encountered the Pi-ute Indians, and narrowly escaped +scalping. + +He was leaving for England with "Betsy Jane" and the "snaiks" +before the American war was ended. + +He had unscrewed the head of each of his "wax figgers," and sent +each on board in a carpet-bag, labelled "For England," just as Mr +Lincoln was assassinated. + +He was hastening to England when the news came a few weeks ago +that he had been blown up in an oil well! + +He has been on his way to England in every newspaper of the +American Union for the last two years. + +Here is the latest announcement: + +"Artemus Ward, in a private letter, states that Doctor Kumming, +the famous London seer and profit, having foretold that the end +of the world will happen on his own birthday in January 1867, he, +Artemus, will not visit England until the latter end of 1866, +when the people there will be selling off, and dollars will be +plentiful. Mr. Ward says that he shall leave England in the last +steamer, in time to see the American eagle spread his wings, and +with the stars and stripes in his beek and tallents, sore away to +his knativ empyrehum.--" American Paper. + +But even this is likely to be a "whopper," for a more reliable +private letter from Artemus declares his fixed purpose to leave +for England in the steamship City of Boston early in June; and +the probabilities are that he will be stepping on English shores +just about the time that these pages go to press. + +Lest anything should happen to him, and England be for ever +deprived of seeing him, the most recent production of his pen, +together with two or three of his best things, are here embalmed +for preservation, on the principle adopted by the affectionate +widow of the bear-trainer of Perpignan. "I have nothing left," +said the woman; "I am absolutely without a roof to shelter me and +the poor animal." "Animal!" exclaimed the prefect; "you don't +mean to say that you keep the bear that devoured your husband?" +"Alas!" she replied, "it is all that is left to me of the poor +dear man!" + +If any other excuse be needed for thus presenting the British +public with A. Ward's "last," in addition to the pertinency of +the article and its real merit, that excuse may be found in the +fact that it is thoroughly new to readers on this side of the +Atlantic. + +The general public will undoubtedly receive "Artemus Ward among +the Fenians" with approving laughter. Should it fall into the +hands of a philo-Fenian the effect may be different. To him it +would probably have the wrong action of the Yankee bone-picking +machine. + +"I've got a new machine," said a Yankee pedlar, "for picking +bones out of fish. Now, I tell you, it's a leetle bit the +darndest thing you ever did see. All you have to do is to set it +on a table and turn a crank, and the fish flies right down your +throat and the bones right under the grate. Well, there was a +country greenhorn got hold of it the other day, and he turned the +crank the wrong way; and, I tell you, the way the bones flew down +his throat was awful. Why, it stuck that fellow so full of +bones, that he could not get his shirt off for a whole week!" + +In addition to the paper on the Fenians, two other articles by +Artemus Ward are reprinted in the present work. One relates to +the city of Washington, and the other to the author's imaginary +town of Baldinsville. Both are highly characteristic of the +writer and of his quaint spellings--a heterography not more odd +than that of the postmaster of Shawnee County, Missouri, who, +returning his account to the General Office, wrote, "I hearby +sertify that the four going A-Counte is as nere Rite as I now how +to make It, if there is any mistake it is not Dun a purpers." + +Artemus Ward has created a new model for funny writers; and the +fact is noticeable that, in various parts of this country as well +as in his own, he has numerous puny imitators, who suppose that +by simply adopting his comic spelling they can write quite as +well as he can. Perhaps it would be as well if they remembered +the joke of poor Thomas Hood, who said that he could write as +well as Shakespere if he had the mind to, but the trouble was--he +had not got the mind. + +* * * + +A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH BY MELVILLE D. LANDON. + +Charles Farrar Browne, better known to the world as "Artemus +Ward," was born at Waterford, Oxford County, Maine, on the +twenty-sixth of April, 1834, and died of consumption at +Southampton, England, on Wednesday, the sixth of March, 1867. + +His father, Levi Browne, was a land surveyor, and Justice of the +Peace. His mother, Caroline E. Brown, is still living, and is a +descendant from Puritan stock. + +Mr. Browne's business manager, Mr. Hingston, once asked him about +his Puritanic origin, when he replied: "I think we came from +Jerusalem, for my father's name was Levi and we had a Moses and a +Nathan in the family, but my poor brother's name was Cyrus; so, +perhaps, that makes us Persians." + +Charles was partially educated at the Waterford school, when +family circumstances induced his parents to apprentice him to +learn the rudiments of printing in the office of the "Skowhegan +Clarion," published some miles to the north of his native +village. Here he passed through the dreadful ordeal to which a +printer's "devil" is generally subjected. He always kept his +temper; and his eccentric boy jokes are even now told by the +residents of Skowhegan. + +In the spring, after his fifteenth birthday, Charles Browne bade +farewell to the "Skowhegan Clarion;" and we next hear of him in +the office of the "Carpet-Bag," edited by B.P. Shillaber ("Mrs. +Partington"). Lean, lank, but strangely appreciative, young +Browne used to "set up" articles from the pens of Charles G. +Halpine ("Miles O'Reilly") and John G. Saxe, the poet. Here he +wrote his first contribution in a disguised hand, slyly put it +into the editorial box, and the next day disguised his pleasure +while setting it up himself. The article was a description of a +Fourth of July celebration in Skowhegan. The spectacle of the +day was a representation of the battle of Yorktown, with G. +Washington and General Horace Cornwallis in character. The +article pleased Mr. Shillaber, and Mr. Browne, afterwards +speaking of it, said: "I went to the theatre that evening, had a +good time of it, and thought I was the greatest man in Boston." + +While engaged on the "Carpet-Bag," the subject of our sketch +closely studied the theatre and courted the society of actors and +actresses. It was in this way that he gained that correct and +valuable knowledge of the texts and characters of the drama, +which enabled him in after years to burlesque them so +successfully. The humorous writings of Seba Smith were his +models, and the oddities of "John Phoenix" were his especial +admiration. + +Being of a roving temper Charles Browne soon left Boston, and, +after traveling as a journeyman printer over much of New York and +Massachusetts, he turned up in the town of Tiffin, Seneca County, +Ohio, where he became reporter and compositor at four dollars per +week. After making many friends among the good citizens of +Tiffin, by whom he is remembered as a patron of side shows and +traveling circuses, our hero suddenly set out for Toledo, on the +lake, where he immediately made a reputation as a writer of +sarcastic paragraphs in the columns of the Toledo "Commercial." +He waged a vigorous newspaper war with the reporters of the +Toledo "Blade," but while the "Blade" indulged in violent +vituperation, "Artemus" was good-natured and full of humor. His +column soon gained a local fame and everybody read it. His fame +even traveled away to Cleveland, where, in 1858, when Mr. Browne +was twenty-four years of age, Mr. J.W. Gray of the Cleveland +"Plaindealer" secured him as local reporter, at a salary of +twelve-dollars per week. Here his reputation first began to +assume a national character and it was here that they called him +a "fool" when he mentioned the idea of taking the field as a +lecturer. Speaking of this circumstance while traveling down the +Mississippi with the writer, in 1865, Mr. Browne musingly +repeated this colloquy: + +WISE MAN:--"Ah! you poor foolish little girl--here is a dollar +for you." + +FOOLISH LITTLE GIRL:--"Thank you, sir; but I have a sister at +home as foolish as I am; can't you give me a dollar for her?" + +Charles Browne was not successful as a NEWS reporter, lacking +enterprise and energy, but his success lay in writing up in a +burlesque manner well-known public affairs like prize-fights, +races, spiritual meetings, and political gatherings. His +department became wonderfully humorous, and was always a favorite +with readers, whether there was any news in it or not. Sometimes +he would have a whole column of letters from young ladies in +reply to a fancied matrimonial advertisement, and then he would +have a column of answers to general correspondents like this:-- + +VERITAS:--Many make the same error. Mr. Key, who wrote the "Star +Spangled Banner," is not the author of Hamlet, a tragedy. He +wrote the banner business, and assisted in "The Female Pirate," +BUT DID NOT WRITE HAMLET. Hamlet was written by a talented but +unscrupulous man named Macbeth, afterwards tried and executed for +"murdering sleep." + +YOUNG CLERGYMAN:--Two pints of rum, two quarts of hot water, tea- +cup of sugar, and a lemon; grate in nutmeg, stir thoroughly and +drink while hot. + +It was during his engagement on the "Plaindealer" that he wrote, +dating from Indiana, his first communication,--the first +published letter following this sketch, signed "Artemus Ward" a +sobriquet purely incidental, but borne with the "u" changed to an +"a" by an American revolutionary general. It was here that Mr. +Browne first became, IN WORDS, the possessor of a moral show +"consisting of three moral bares, the a kangaroo (a amoozing +little rascal; 'twould make you larf yourself to death to see the +little kuss jump and squeal), wax figures of G. Washington, &c. +&c." Hundreds of newspapers copied this letter, and Charles +Browne awoke one morning to find himself famous. + +In the "Plaindealer" office, his companion, George Hoyt, writes: +"His desk was a rickety table which had been whittled and gashed +until it looked as if it had been the victim of lightning. His +chair was a fit companion thereto,--a wabbling, unsteady affair, +sometimes with four and sometimes with three legs. But Browne +saw neither the table, nor the chair, nor any person who might be +near, nothing, in fact, but the funny pictures which were +tumbling out of his brain. When writing, his gaunt form looked +ridiculous enough. One leg hung over the arm of his chair like a +great hook, while he would write away, sometimes laughing to +himself, and then slapping the table in the excess of his mirth." + +While in the office of the "Plaindealer," Mr. Browne first +conceived the idea of becoming a lecturer. In attending the +various minstrel shows and circuses which came to the city, he +would frequently hear repeated some story of his own which the +audience would receive with hilarity. His best witticisms came +back to him from the lips of another who made a living by quoting +a stolen jest. Then the thought came to him to enter the lecture +field himself, and become the utterer of his own witticisms--the +mouthpiece of his own jests. + +On the 10th of November, 1860, Charles Browne, whose fame, +traveling in his letters from Boston to San Francisco, had now +become national, grasped the hands of his hundreds of New York +admirers. Cleveland had throned him the monarch of mirth, and a +thousand hearts paid him tributes of adulation as he closed his +connection with the Cleveland Press. + +Arriving in the Empire City, Mr. Browne soon opened an engagement +with "Vanity Fair," a humorous paper after the manner of London +"Punch," and ere long he succeeded Mr. Charles G. Leland as +editor. Mr. Charles Dawson Shanly says: "After Artemus Ward +became sole editor, a position which he held for a brief period, +many of his best contributions were given to the public; and, +whatever there was of merit in the columns of "Vanity Fair" from +the time he assumed the editorial charge, emanated from his pen." +Mr. Browne himself wrote to a friend: "Comic copy is what they +wanted for "Vanity Fair." I wrote some and it killed it. The +poor paper got to be a conundrum, and so I gave it up." + +The idea of entering the field as a lecturer now seized Mr. +Browne stronger than ever. Tired of the pen, he resolved on +trying the platform. His Bohemian friends agreed that his fame +and fortune would be made before intelligent audiences. He +resolved to try it. What should be the subject of my lecture? +How shall I treat the subject? These questions caused Mr. Browne +grave speculations. Among other schemes, he thought of a string +of jests combined with a stream of satire, the whole being +unconnected--a burlesque upon a lecture. The subject,--that was +a hard question. First he thought of calling it "My Seven +Grandmothers," but he finally adopted the name of "Babes in the +Woods," and with this subject Charles Browne was introduced to a +metropolitan audience, on the evening of December 23d, 1861. The +place was Clinton Hall, which stood on the site of the old Astor +Place Opera House, where years ago occurred the Macready riot, +and where now is the Mercantile Library. Previous to this +introduction, Mr. Frank Wood accompanied him to the suburban town +of Norwich, Connecticut, where he first delivered his lecture, +and watched the result. The audience was delighted, and Mr. +Browne received an ovation. Previous to his Clinton Hall +appearance the city was flooded with funny placards reading-- + + ARTEMUS WARD + WILL + SPEAK A PIECE. + +Owing to a great storm, only a small audience braved the +elements, and the Clinton Hall lecture was not a financial +success. It consisted of a wandering batch of comicalities, +touching upon everything except "The Babes." Indeed it was +better described by the lecturer in London, when he said, "One of +the features of my entertainment is, that it contains so many +things that don't have anything to do with it." + +In the middle of his lecture, the speaker would hesitate, stop, +and say: "Owing to a slight indisposition we will now have an +intermission of fifteen minutes." The audience looked in utter +dismay at the idea of staring at vacancy for a quarter of an +hour, when, rubbing his hands, the lecturer would continue: +"but, ah--during the intermission I will go on with my lecture!" + +Mr. Browne's first volume, entitled "Artemus Ward; His Book," was +published in New York, May 17th, 1862. The volume was everywhere +hailed with enthusiasm, and over forty thousand copies were sold. +Great success also attended the sale of his three other volumes +published in '65, '67, and '69. + +Mr. Browne's next lecture was entitled "Sixty Minutes in Africa," +and was delivered in Musical Fund Hall, Philadelphia. Behind him +hung a large map of Africa, "which region," said Artemus, +"abounds in various natural productions, such as reptiles and +flowers. It produces the red rose, the white rose, and the neg- +roes. In the middle of the continent is what is called a +'howling wilderness,' but, for my part, I have never heard it +howl, nor met with any one who has." + +After Mr. Browne had created immense enthusiasm for his lectures +and books in the Eastern States, which filled his pockets with a +handsome exchequer, he started, October 3d, 1863, for California, +a faithful account of which trip is given by himself in this +book. Previous to starting, he received a telegram from Thomas +Maguire, of the San Francisco Opera House, inquiring "what he +would TAKE FOR FORTY NIGHTS IN CALIFORNIA." Mr. Brown +immediately telegraphed back,-- + + "Brandy and water. + A. Ward." + +And, though Maguire was sorely puzzled at the contents of the +dispatch, the Press got hold of it, and it went through +California as a capital joke. + +Mr. Browne first lectured in San Francisco on "The Babes in the +Woods," November 13th, 1863, at Pratt's Hall. T. Starr King took +a deep interest in him, occupying the rostrum, and his general +reception in San Francisco was warm. + +Returning overland, through Salt Lake to the States, in the fall +of 1864, Mr. Browne lectured again in New York, this time on the +"Mormons," to immense audiences, and in the spring of 1865 he +commenced his tour through the country, everywhere drawing +enthusiastic audiences both North and South. + +It was while on this tour that the writer of this sketch again +spent some time with him. We met at Memphis and traveled down +the Mississippi together. At Lake Providence the "Indiana" +rounded up to our landing, and Mr. Browne accompanied the writer +to his plantation, where he spent several days, mingling in +seeming infinite delight with the negroes. For them he showed +great fondness, and they used to stand around him in crowds +listening to his seemingly serious advice. We could not prevail +upon him to hunt or to join in any of the equestrian amusements +with the neighboring planters, but a quiet fascination drew him +to the negroes. Strolling through the "quarters," his grave +words, too deep with humor for darkey comprehension, gained +their entire confidence. One day he called up Uncle Jeff., an +Uncle-Tom-like patriarch, and commenced in his usual vein: "Now, +Uncle Jefferson," he said, "why do you thus pursue the habits of +industry? This course of life is wrong--all wrong--all a base +habit, Uncle Jefferson. Now try to break it off. Look at me,-- +look at Mr. Landon, the chivalric young Southern plantist FROM +NEW YORK, he toils not, neither does he spin; he pursues a career +of contented idleness. If you only thought so, Jefferson, you +could live for months WITHOUT PERFORMING ANY KIND OF LABOR, and +at the expiration of that time FEEL FRESH AND VIGOROUS ENOUGH TO +COMMENCE IT AGAIN. Idleness refreshes the physical organization +--IT IS A SWEET BOON! Strike at the roots of the destroying habit +to-day, Jefferson. It tires you out; resolve to be idle; no one +should labor; HE SHOULD HIRE OTHERS TO DO IT FOR HIM;" and then +he would fix his mournful eyes on Jeff. and hand him a dollar, +while the eyes of the wonder-struck darkey would gaze in mute +admiration upon the good and wise originator of the only theory +which the darkey mind could appreciate. As Jeff. went away to +tell the wonderful story to his companions, and backed it with +the dollar as material proof, Artemus would cover his eyes, and +bend forward on his elbows in a chuckling laugh. + +"Among the Mormons" was delivered through the States, everywhere +drawing immense crowds. His manner of delivering his discourse +was grotesque and comical beyond description. His quaint and sad +style contributed more than anything else to render his +entertainment exquisitely funny. The programme was exceedingly +droll, and the tickets of admission presented the most ludicrous +of ideas. The writer presents a fac-simile of an admission +ticket which was presented to him in Natchez by Mr. Browne:-- + + ADMIT THE BEARER + AND ONE WIFE. + YOURS TROOLY, + A. WARD. + +In the spring of 1866, Charles Browne first timidly thought of +going to Europe. Turning to Mr. Hingston one day he asked: +"What sort of a man is Albert Smith? Do you think the Mormons +would be as good a subject to the Londoners as Mont Blanc was?" +Then he said: "I should like to go to London and give my lecture +in the same place. Can't it be done?" + +Mr. Browne sailed for England soon after, taking with him his +Panorama. The success that awaited him could scarcely have been +anticipated by his most intimate friends. Scholars, wits, poets, +and novelists came to him with extended hands, and his stay in +London was one ovation to the genius of American wit. Charles +Reade, the novelist, was his warm friend and enthusiastic +admirer; and Mr. Andrew Haliday introduced him to the "Literary +Club," where he became a great favorite. Mark Lemon came to him +and asked him to become a contributor to "Punch," which he did. +His "Punch" letters were more remarked in literary circles than +any other current matter. There was hardly a club-meeting or a +dinner at which they were not discussed. "There was something so +grotesque in the idea," said a correspondent, "of this ruthless +Yankee poking among the revered antiquities of Britain, that the +beef-eating British themselves could not restrain their laughter." +The story of his Uncle William who "followed commercial pursuits, +glorious commerce--and sold soap," and his letters on the Tower +and "Chowser," were palpable hits, and it was admitted that +"Punch" had contained nothing better since the days of +"Yellowplush." This opinion was shared by the "Times," the +literary reviews, and the gayest leaders of society. The +publishers of "Punch" posted up his name in large letters over +their shop in Fleet Street, and Artemus delighted to point it out +to his friends. About this time Mr. Browne wrote to his friend +Jack Rider, of Cleveland: + +"This is the proudest moment of my life. To have been as well +appreciated here as at home; to have written for the oldest comic +Journal in the English language, received mention with Hood, with +Jerrold and Hook, and to have my picture and my pseudonym as +common in London as in New York, is enough for + "Yours truly, + "A. Ward." + +England was thoroughly aroused to the merits of Artemus Ward, +before he commenced his lectures at Egyptian Hall, and when, in +November, he finally appeared, immense crowds were compelled to +turn away. At every lecture his fame increased, and when +sickness brought his brilliant success to an end, a nation +mourned his retirement. + +On the evening of Friday, the seventh week of his engagement at +Egyptian Hall, Artemus became seriously ill, an apology was made +to a disappointed audience, and from that time the light of one +of the greatest wits of the centuries commenced fading into +darkness. The Press mourned his retirement, and a funeral pall +fell over London. The laughing, applauding crowds were soon to +see his consumptive form moving towards its narrow resting-place +in the cemetery at Kensal Green. + +By medical advice Charles Browne went for a short time to the +Island of Jersey--but the breezes of Jersey were powerless. He +wrote to London to his nearest and dearest friends--the members +of a literary club of which he was a member--to complain that his +"loneliness weighed on him." He was brought back, but could not +sustain the journey farther than Southampton. There the members +of the club traveled from London to see him--two at a time--that +he might be less lonely. + +His remains were followed to the grave from the rooms of his +friend Arthur Sketchley, by a large number of friends and +admirers, the literati and press of London paying the last +tribute of respect to their dead brother. The funeral services +were conducted by the Rev. M.D. Conway, formerly of Cincinnati, +and the coffin was temporarily placed in a vault, from which it +was removed by his American friends, and his body now sleeps by +the side of his father, Levi Browne, in the quiet cemetery at +Waterford, Maine. Upon the coffin is the simple inscription:-- + + "CHARLES F. BROWNE, + AGED 32 YEARS, + Better Known to the World as 'Artemus Ward.'" + +His English executors were T.W. Robertson, the playwright, and +his friend and companion, E.P. Hingston. His literary executors +were Horace Greeley and Richard H. Stoddard. In his will, he +bequeathed among other things a large sum of money to his little +valet, a bright little fellow; though subsequent denouments +revealed the fact that he left only a six-thousand-dollar house +in Yonkers. There is still some mystery about his finances, +which may one day be revealed. It is known that he withdrew +10,000 dollars from the Pacific Bank to deposit it with a friend +before going to England; besides this, his London "Punch" letters +paid a handsome profit. Among his personal friends were George +Hoyt, the late Daniel Setchell, Charles W. Coe, and Mr. Mullen, +the artist, all of whom he used to style "my friends all the year +round." + +Personally Charles Farrar Browne was one of the kindest and most +affectionate of men, and history does not name a man who was so +universally beloved by all who knew him. It was remarked, and +truly, that the death of no literary character since Washington +Irving caused such general and widespread regret. + +In stature he was tall and slender. His nose was prominent,-- +outlined like that of Sir Charles Napier, or Mr. Seward; his eyes +brilliant, small, and close together; his mouth large, teeth +white and pearly; fingers long and slender; hair soft, straight, +and blonde; complexion florid; mustache large, and his voice soft +and clear. In bearing, he moved like a natural-born gentleman. +In his lectures he never smiled--not even while he was giving +utterance to the most delicious absurdities; but all the while +the jokes fell from his lips as if he was unconscious of their +meaning. While writing his lectures, he would laugh and chuckle +to himself continually. + +There was one peculiarity about Charles Browne--HE NEVER MADE AN +ENEMY. Other wits in other times have been famous, but a +satirical thrust now and then has killed a friend. Diogenes was +the wit of Greece, but when, after holding up an old dried fish +to draw away the eyes of Anaximenes' audience, he exclaimed "See +how an old fish is more interesting than Anaximenes," he said a +funny thing, but he stabbed a friend. When Charles Lamb, in +answer to the doting mother's question as to how he liked babies, +replied, "b-b-boiled, madam, BOILED!" that mother loved him no +more: and when John Randolph said "THANK YOU!" to his +constituent who kindly remarked that he had the pleasure of +PASSING his house, it was wit at the expense of friendship. The +whole English school of wits--with Douglas Jerrold, Hood, +Sheridan, and Sidney Smith, indulged in repartee. They were +PARASITIC wits. And so with the Irish, except that an Irishman +is generally so ridiculously absurd in his replies as to only +excite ridicule. "Artemus Ward" made you laugh and love him too. + +The wit of "Artemus Ward" and "Josh Billings" is distinctively +American. Lord Kames, in his "Elements of Criticism," makes no +mention of this species of wit, a lack which the future +rhetorician should look to. We look in vain for it in the +English language of past ages, and in other languages of modern +time. It is the genus American. When Artemus says in that +serious manner, looking admiringly at his atrocious pictures,--"I +love pictures--and I have many of them--beautiful photographs--of +myself;" you smile; and when he continues, "These pictures were +painted by the Old Masters; they painted these pictures and then +they--they expired;" you hardly know what it is that makes you +laugh outright; and when Josh Billings says in his Proverbs, +wiser than Solomon's "You'd better not know so much, than know so +many things that ain't so;"--the same vein is struck, but the +text-books fail to explain scientifically the cause of our mirth. + +The wit of Charles Browne is of the most exalted kind. It is +only scholars and those thoroughly acquainted with the SUBTILTY +of our language who fully appreciate it. His wit is generally +about historical personages like Cromwell, Garrick, or +Shakspeare, or a burlesque on different styles of writing, like +his French novel, when hifalutin phrases of tragedy come from the +clodhopper who--"sells soap and thrice--refuses a ducal coronet." + +Mr. Browne mingled the eccentric even in his business letters. +Once he wrote to his Publisher, Mr. G.W. Carleton, who had made +some alterations in his MSS.: "The next book I write I'm going +to get YOU to write." Again he wrote in 1863: + +"Dear Carl:--You and I will get out a book next spring, which +will knock spots out of all comic books in ancient or modern +history. And the fact that you are going to take hold of it +convinces me that you have one of the most MASSIVE intellects of +this or any other epoch. + +"Yours, my pretty gazelle, + +"A. Ward." + +When Charles F. Browne died, he did not belong to America, for, +as with Irving and Dickens, the English language claimed him. +Greece alone did not suffer when the current of Diogenes' wit +flowed on to death. Spain alone did not mourn when Cervantes, +dying, left Don Quixote, the "knight of la Mancha." When Charles +Lamb ceased to tune the great heart of humanity to joy and +gladness, his funeral was in every English and American household; + and when Charles Browne took up his silent resting-place in the +sombre shades of Kensal Green, JESTING CEASED, and one great +Anglo-American heart, + + Like a muffled drum went beating + Funeral marches to his grave. + + MELVILLE D. LANDON. + + + +INTRODUCTION BY T.W. ROBERTSON. + +Few tasks are more difficult or delicate than to write on the +subject of the works or character of a departed friend. The pen +falters as the familiar face looks out of the paper. The mind is +diverted from the thought of death as the memory recalls some happy +epigram. It seems so strange that the hand that traced the jokes +should be cold, that the tongue that trolled out the good things +should be silent--that the jokes and the good things should remain, +and the man who made them should be gone for ever. + +The works of Charles Farrar Browne--who was known to the world as +"Artemus Ward"--have run through so many editions, have met with +such universal popularity, and have been so widely criticised, that +it is needless to mention them here. So many biographies have been +written of the gentleman who wrote in the character of the 'cute +Yankee Showman, that it is unnecessary that I should touch upon his +life, belongings, or adventures. Of "Artemus Ward" I know just as +much as the rest of the world. I prefer, therefore, to speak of +Charles Farrar Browne, as I knew him, and, in doing so, I can +promise those friends who also knew him and esteemed him, that as I +consider no "public" man so public, that some portion of his work, +pleasures, occupations, and habits may not be considered private, I +shall only mention how kind and noble-minded was the man of whom I +write, without dragging forward special and particular acts in proof +of my words, as if the goodness of his mind and character needed the +certificate of facts. + +I first saw Charles Browne at a literary club; he had only been a +few hours in London, and he seemed highly pleased and excited at +finding himself in the old city to which his thoughts had so often +wandered. Browne was an intensely sympathetic man. His brain and +feelings were as a "lens," and he received impressions immediately. +No man could see him without liking him at once. His manner was +straightforward and genial, and had in it the dignity of a +gentleman, tempered, as it were, by the fun of the humorist. When +you heard him talk you wanted to make much of him, not because he +was "Artemus Ward," but because he was himself, for no one less +resembled "Artemus Ward" than his author and creator, Charles Farrar +Browne. But a few weeks ago it was remarked to me that authors were +a disappointing race to know, and I agreed with the remark, and I +remember a lady once said to me that the personal appearance of +poets seldom "came up" to their works. To this I replied that, +after all, poets were but men, and that it was as unreasonable to +expect that the late Sir Walter Scott could at all resemble a +Gathering of the Clans as that the late Lord Macaulay should appear +anything like the Committal of the Seven Bishops to the Tower. I +told the lady that she was unfair to eminent men if she hoped that +celebrated engineers would look like tubular bridges, or that Sir +Edwin Landseer would remind her of a "Midsummer Night's Dream." I +mention this because, of all men in the world, my friend Charles +Browne was the least like a showman of any man I ever encountered. +I can remember the odd half disappointed look of some of the +visitors to the Egyptian Hall when "Artemus" stepped upon the +platform. At first they thought that he was a gentleman who +appeared to apologise for the absence of the showman. They had +pictured to themselves a coarse old man, with a damp eye and a +puckered mouth, one eyebrow elevated an inch above the other to +express shrewdness and knowledge of the world--a man clad in +velveteen and braid, with a heavy watch-chain, large rings, and +horny hands, the touter to a waxwork show, with a hoarse voice, and +over familiar manner. The slim gentleman in evening dress, polished +manners, and gentle voice, with a tone of good breeding that hovered +between deference and jocosity; the owner of those thin--those much +too thin--white hands could not be the man who spelt joke with a +"g." Folks who came to laugh, began to fear that they should remain +to be instructed, until the gentlemanly disappointer began to speak, +then they recovered their real "Artemus," Betsy Jane, wax-figgers, +and all. Will patriotic Americans forgive me if I say that Charles +Browne loved England dearly! He had been in London but a few days +when he paid a visit to the Tower. He knew English history better +than most Englishmen; and the Tower of London was to him the history +of England embalmed in stone and mortar. No man had more reverence +in his nature; and at the Tower he saw that what he had read was +real. There were the beef-eaters; there had been Queen Elizabeth +and Sir Walter Raleigh, and Lady Jane Grey, and Shakspere's murdered +princes, and their brave, cruel uncle. There was the block and the +axe, and the armour and the jewels. "St George for Merrie England!" +had been shouted in the Holy Land, and men of the same blood as +himself had been led against the infidel by men of the same brain +and muscle as George Washington. Robin Hood was a reality, and not +a schoolboy's myth like Ali Baba and Valentine and Orson. + +There were two sets of feelings in Charles Browne at the Tower. He +could appreciate the sublimity of history, but, as the "Show" part +of the exhibition was described to him, the humorist, the wit, and +the iconoclast from the other side the Atlantic must have smiled at +the "descriptions." The "Tower" was a "show," like his own--Artemus +Ward's. A price was paid for admission, and the "figgers" were +"orated." Real jewellery is very like sham jewellery after all, and +the "Artemus" vein in Charles Browne's mental constitution--the vein +of humour, whose source was a strong contempt of all things false, +mean, shabby, pretentious, and only external--of bunkum and +Barnumisation--must have seen a gigantic speculation realising +shiploads of dollars if the Tower could have been taken over to the +States, and exhibited from town to town--the Stars and Stripes flying +over it--with a four-horse lecture to describe the barbarity of the +ancient British Barons and the cuss of chivalry. + +Artemus Ward's Lecture on the Mormons at the Egyptian Hall, +Piccadilly, was a great success. His humour was so entirely fresh, +new, and unconventional, it took his hearers by surprise, and +charmed them. His failing health compelled him to abandon the +lecture after about eight or ten weeks. Indeed, during that brief +period he was once or twice compelled to dismiss his audience. I +have myself seen him sink into a chair and nearly faint after the +exertion of dressing. He exhibited the greatest anxiety to be at +his post at the appointed time, and scrupulously exerted himself to +the utmost to entertain his auditors. It was not because he was +sick that the public was to be disappointed, or that their enjoyment +was to be diminished. During the last few weeks of his +lecture-giving he steadily abstained from accepting any of the +numerous invitations he received. Had he lived through the +following London fashionable season, there is little doubt that the +room at the Egyptian Hall would have been thronged nightly. Our +aristocracy have a fine delicate sense of humour, and the success, +artistic and pecuniary, of "Artemus Ward" would have rivalled that +of the famous "Lord Dundreary." There are many stupid people who +did not understand the "fun" of Artemus Ward's books. In their +vernacular "they didn't see it." There were many stupid people who +did not understand the fun of Artemus Ward's lecture on the Mormons. +They could not see it. Highly respectable people--the pride of +their parish, when they heard of a lecture "upon the Mormons"- +-expected to see a solemn person, full of old saws and new +statistics, who would denounce the sin of polygamy, and bray against +polygamists with four-and-twenty boiling-water Baptist power of +denunciation. These uncomfortable Christians do not like humour. +They dread it as a certain personage is said to dread holy water, +and for the same reason that thieves fear policemen--it finds them +out. When these good idiots heard Artemus offer, if they did not +like the lecture in Piccadilly, to give them free tickets for the +same lecture in California, when he next visited that country, they +turned to each other indignantly, and said "What use are tickets for +California to us? We are not going to California. No! we are too +good, too respectable, to go so far from home. The man is a fool!" +One of these ornaments of the vestry complained to the doorkeepers, +and denounced the lecture as an imposition; "and," said the wealthy +parishioner, "as for the panorama, it's the worst painted thing I +ever saw in all my life!" + +But the entertainment, original, humorous, and racy though it was, +was drawing to a close! In the fight between youth and death, death +was to conquer. By medical advice Charles Browne went for a short +time to Jersey--but the breezes of Jersey were powerless. He wrote +to London to his nearest and dearest friends--the members of a +literary club of which he was a member--to complain that his +"loneliness weighed on him." He was brought back, but could not +sustain the journey farther than Southampton. There the members of +the beforementioned club travelled from London to see him--two at a +time--that he might be less lonely--and for the unwearying +solicitude of his friend and agent, Mr. Hingston, and to the kindly +sympathy of the United States Consul at Southampton, Charles +Browne's best and dearest friends had cause to be grateful. I +cannot close these lines without mention of "Artemus Ward's" last +joke. He had read in the newspapers that a wealthy American had +offered to present the Prince of Wales with a splendid yacht, +American built. + +"It seems," said the invalid, "a fashion now-a-days for everybody to +present the Prince of Wales with something. I think I shall leave +him--my panorama!" + +Charles Browne died beloved and regretted by all who knew him, and +by many who had known him but a few weeks; and when he drew his last +breath, there passed away the Spirit of a true gentleman. + + T.W. ROBERTSON +London, August 11, 1868. + +PREFATORY NOTE + + BY EDWARD P. HINGSTON. + +In Cleveland, Ohio, the pleasant city beside the lakes, Artemus Ward +first determined to become a public lecturer. He and I rambled +through Cleveland together after his return from California. He +called on some old friends at the Herald office, then went over to +the Weddel House, and afterwards strolled across to the offices of +the "Plain Dealer", where, in his position as sub-editor, he had +written many of his earlier essays. Artemus inquired for Mr. Gray, +the editor, who chanced to be absent. Looking round at the vacant +desks and inkstained furniture, Artemus was silent for a minute or +two, and then burst into one of those peculiar chuckling fits of +laughter in which he would occasionally indulge; not a loud laugh, +but a shaking of the whole body with an impulse of merriment which +set every muscle in motion. "Here," said he, "here's where they +called me a fool." The remembrance of their so calling him seemed +to afford him intense amusement. + +>From the office of the Cleveland Plain Dealer we continued our tour +of the town. Presently we found ourselves in front of Perry's +statue, the monument erected to commemorate the naval engagement on +Lake Erie, wherein the Americans came off victorious. Artemus +looked up to the statue, laid his finger to the side of his nose, +and, in his quaint manner, remarked, "I wonder whether they called +him 'a fool' too, when he went to fight!" + +The remark, following close as it did upon his laughing fit in the +newspaper office, caused me to inquire why he had been called "a +fool," and who had called him so. + +"It was the opinion of my friends on the paper," he replied. "I +told them that I was going in for lecturing. They laughed at me, +and called me `a fool.' Don't you think they were right?" + +Then we sauntered up Euclid Street, under the shade of its avenue of +trees. As we went along, Artemus Ward recounted to me the story of +his becoming a lecturer. Our conversation on that agreeable evening +is fresh in my remembrance. Memory still listens to the voice of my +companion in the stroll, still sees the green trees of Euclid Street +casting their shadows across our path, and still joins in the laugh +with Artemus, who, having just returned from California, where he +had taken sixteen hundred dollars at one lecture, did not think that +to be evidence of his having lost his senses. + +The substance of that which Artemus Ward then told me was, that +while writing for the "Cleveland Plain Dealer" he was accustomed, in +the discharge of his duties as a reporter, to attend the +performances of the various minstrel troups and circuses which +visited the neighbourhood. At one of these he would hear some story +of his own, written a month or two previously, given by the +"middle-man" of the minstrels and received with hilarity by the +audience. At another place he would be entertained by listening to +jokes of his own invention, coarsely retailed by the clown of the +ring, and shouted at by the public as capital waggery on the part of +the performer. His own good things from the lips of another "came +back to him with alienated majesty," as Emerson expresses it. Then +the thought would steal over him--Why should that man gain a living +with my witticisms, and I not use them in the same way myself? why +not be the utterer of my own coinage, the quoter of my own jests, +the mouthpiece of my own merry conceits? Certainly, it was not a +very exalted ambition to aim at the glories of a circus clown or the +triumphs of a minstrel with a blackened face. But, in the United +States a somewhat different view is taken of that which is fitting +and seemly for a man to do, compared with the estimate we form in +this country. In a land where the theory of caste is not admitted, +the relative respectability of the various professions is not quite +the same as it is with us. There the profession does not disqualify +if the man himself be right, nor the claim to the title of gentleman +depend upon the avocation followed. I know of one or two clowns in +the ring who are educated physicians, and not thought to be any the +less gentlemen because they propound conundrums and perpetrate jests +instead of prescribing pills and potions. + +Artemus Ward was always very self-reliant; when once he believed +himself to be in the right it was almost impossible to persuade him +to the contrary. But, at the same time, he was cautious in the +extreme, and would well consider his position before deciding that +which was right or wrong for him to do. The idea of becoming a +public man having taken possession of his mind, the next point to +decide was in what form he should appear before the public. That of +a humorous lecturer seemed to him to be the best. It was unoccupied +ground. America had produced entertainers who by means of facial +changes or eccentricities of costume had contrived to amuse their +audiences, but there was no one who ventured to joke for an hour +before a house full of people with no aid from scenery or dress. +The experiment was one which Artemus resolved to try. Accordingly, +he set himself to work to collect all his best quips and cranks, to +invent what new drolleries he could, and to remember all the good +things that he had heard or met with. These he noted down and +strung together almost without relevancy or connexion. The +manuscript chanced to fall into the hands of the people at the +office of the newspaper on which he was then employed, and the +question was put to him of what use he was going to make of the +strange jumble of jest which he had thus compiled. His answer was +that he was about to turn lecturer, and that before them were the +materials of his lecture. It was then that his friends laughed at +him, and characterised him as "a fool." + +"They had some right to think so," said Artemus to me as we rambled +up Euclid Street. "I half thought that I was one myself. I don't +look like a lecturer--do I?" + +He was always fond, poor fellow, of joking on the subject of his +personal appearance. His spare figure and tall stature, his +prominent nose and his light-colored hair, were each made the +subject of a joke at one time or another in the course of his +lecturing career. If he laughed largely at the foibles of others, +he was equally disposed to laugh at any shortcomings he could detect +in himself. If anything at all in his outward form was to him a +source of vanity, it was the delicate formation of his hands. +White, soft, long, slender, and really handsome, they were more like +the hands of a high-born lady than those of a Western editor. He +attended to them with careful pride, and never alluded to them as a +subject for his jokes, until, in his last illness, they had become +unnaturally fair, translucent, and attenuated. Then it was that a +friend calling upon him at his apartments in Piccadilly, endeavoured +to cheer him at a time of great mental depression, and pleasantly +reminded him of a ride they had long ago projected through the +South-Western States of the Union. "We must do that ride yet, +Artemus. Short stages at first, and longer ones as we go on." Poor +Artemus lifted up his pale, slender hands, and letting the light +shine through them, said jocosely, "Do you think these would do to +hold a rein with? Why, the horse would laugh at them." + +Having collected a sufficient number of quaint thoughts, whimsical +fancies, bizarre notions, and ludicrous anecdotes, the difficulty +which then, according to his own confession, occurred to Artemus +Ward was, what should be the title of his lecture. The subject was +no difficulty at all, for the simple reason that there was not to be +any. The idea of instructing or informing his audience never once +entered into his plans. His intention was merely to amuse; if +possible, keep the house in continuous laughter for an hour and a +half, or rather an hour and twenty minutes, for that was the precise +time, in his belief, which people could sit to listen and to laugh +without becoming bored; and, if possible, send his audience home +well pleased with the lecturer and with themselves, without their +having any clear idea of that which they had been listening to, and +not one jot the wiser than when they came. No one better understood +than Artemus the wants of a miscellaneous audience who paid their +dollar or half-dollar each to be amused. No one could gauge better +than he the capacity of the crowd to feed on pure fun, and no one +could discriminate more clearly than he the fitness, temper, and +mental appetite of the constituents of his evening assemblies. The +prosiness of an ordinary Mechanics' Institute lecture was to him +simply abhorrent; the learned platitudes of a professed lecturer +were to him, to use one of his own phrases, "worse than poison." To +make people laugh was to be his primary endeavour. If in so making +them laugh he could also cause them to see through a sham, be +ashamed of some silly national prejudice, or suspicious of the value +of some current piece of political bunkum, so much the better. He +believed in laughter as thoroughly wholesome; he had the firmest +conviction that fun is healthy, and sportiveness the truest sign of +sanity. Like Talleyrand, he was of opinion that "Qui vit sans jolie +n'est pas si sage qu'il croit." + +Artemus Ward's first lecture was entitled "The Babes in the Wood." +I asked him why he chose that title, because there was nothing +whatever in the lecture relevant to the subject of the child-book +legend. He replied, "It seemed to sound the best. I once thought +of calling the lecture 'My Seven Grandmothers.' Don't you think +that would have been good?" It would at any rate have been just as +pertinent. + +Incongruity as an element of fun was always an idea uppermost in the +mind of the Western humorist. I am not aware that the notes of any +of his lectures, except those of his Mormon experience, have been +preserved, and I have some doubts if any one of his lectures, except +the Mormon one, was ever fairly written out. "The Babes in the +Wood," as a lecture, was a pure and unmitigated "sell." It was +merely joke after joke, and drollery succeeding to drollery, without +any connecting thread whatever. It was an exhibition of fireworks, +owing half its brilliancy and more than half its effect to the skill +of the man who grouped the fireworks together and let them off. In +the hands of any other pyrotechnist the squibs would have failed to +light, the rockets would have refused to ascend, and the +"nine-bangers" would have exploded but once or twice only, instead +of nine times. The artist of the display being no more, and the +fireworks themselves having gone out, it is perhaps not to be +regretted that the cases of the squibs and the tubes of the rockets +have not been carefully kept. Most of the good things introduced by +Artemus Ward in his first lecture were afterwards incorporated by +him in subsequent writings, or used over again in his later +entertainment. Many of them had reference to the events of the day, +the circumstances of the American War and the politics of the Great +Rebellion. These, of course, have lost their interest with the +passing away of the times which gave them birth. The points of many +of the jokes have corroded, and the barbed head of many an arrow of +Artemus's wit has rusted into bluntness with the decay of the bow +from which it was propelled. + +If I remember rightly, the "Babes in the Wood" were never mentioned +more than twice in the whole lecture. First, when the lecturer told +his audience that the "Babes" were to constitute the subject of his +discourse, and then digressed immediately to matters quite foreign +to the story. Then again at the conclusion of the hour and twenty +minutes of drollery, when he finished up in this way: "I now come to +my subject 'The Babes in the Wood.'" Here he would take out his +watch, look at it with affected surprise, put on an appearance of +being greatly perplexed, and amidst roars of laughter from the +people, very gravely continue, "But I find that I have exceeded my +time, and will therefore merely remark that, so far as I know, they +were very good babes--they were as good as ordinary babes. I really +have not time to go into their history. You will find it all in the +story-books. They died in the woods, listening to the woodpecker +tapping the hollow beech-tree. It was a sad fate for them, and I +pity them. So, I hope, do you. Good night!" + +Artemus gave his first lecture at Norwich in Connecticut, and +travelled over a considerable portion of the Eastern States before +he ventured to give a sample of his droll oratory in the Western +cities, wherein he had earned reputation as a journalist. Gradually +his popularity became very great, and in place of letting himself +out at so much per night to literary societies and athenaeums, he +constituted himself his own showman, engaging that indispensable +adjunct to all showmen in the United States, an agent to go ahead, +engage halls, arrange for the sale of tickets, and engineer the +success of the show. Newspapers had carried his name to every +village of the Union, and his writings had been largely quoted in +every journal. It required, therefore, comparatively little +advertising to announce his visit to any place in which he had to +lecture. But it was necessary that he should have a bill or poster +of some kind. The one he adopted was simple, quaint, striking, and +well adapted to the purpose. It was merely one large sheet, with a +black ground, and the letters cut out in the block, so as to print +white. The reading was "Artemus Ward will Speak a Piece." To the +American mind this was intensely funny from its childish absurdity. +It is customary in the States for children to speak or recite "a +piece" at school at the annual examination, and the phrase is used +just in the same sense as in England we say "a Christmas piece." +The professed subject of the lecture being that of a story familiar +to children, harmonised well with the droll placard which announced +its delivery. The place and time were notified on a slip pasted +beneath. To emerge from the dull depths of lyceum committees and +launch out as a showman-lecturer on his own responsibility, was +something both novel and bold for Artemus to do. In the majority of +instances he or his agent met with speculators who were ready to +engage him for so many lectures, and secure to the lecturer a +certain fixed sum. But in his later transactions Artemus would have +nothing to do with them, much preferring to undertake all the risk +himself. The last speculator to whom he sold himself for a tour +was, I believe, Mr. Wilder, of New York City, who realised a large +profit by investing in lecturing stock, and who was always ready to +engage a circus, a wild-beast show, or a lecturing celebrity. + +As a rule Artemus Ward succeeded in pleasing every one in his +audience, especially those who understood the character of the man +and the drift of his lecture; but there were not wanting at any of +his lectures a few obtuse-minded, slowly-perceptive, drowsy-headed +dullards, who had not the remotest idea what the entertainer was +talking about, nor why those around him indulged in laughter. +Artemus was quick to detect these little spots upon the sunny face +of his auditory. He would pick them out, address himself at times +to them especially, and enjoy the bewilderment of his Boeotian +patrons. Sometimes a stolid inhabitant of central New York, +evidently of Dutch extraction, would regard him with an open stare +expressive of a desire to enjoy that which was said if the point of +the joke could by any possibility be indicated to him. At other +times a demure Pennsylvania Quaker would benignly survey the poor +lecturer with a look of benevolent pity; and on one occasion, when +my friend was lecturing at Peoria, an elderly lady, accompanied by +her two daughters, left the room in the midst of the lecture, +exclaiming, as she passed me at the door, "It is too bad of people +to laugh at a poor young man who doesn't know what he is saying, and +ought to be sent to a lunatic asylum!" + +The newspaper reporters were invariably puzzled in attempting to +give any correct idea of a lecture by Artemus Ward. No report could +fairly convey an idea of the entertainment; and being fully aware of +this, Artemus would instruct his agent to beg of the papers not to +attempt giving any abstract of that which he said. The following is +the way in which the reporter of the Golden Era, at San Francisco, +California, endeavoured to inform the San Franciscan public of the +character of "The Babes in the Wood" lecture. It is, as the reader +will perceive, a burlesque on the way in which Artemus himself dealt +with the topic he had chosen; while it also notes one or two of the +salient features of my friend's style of Lecturing: + +"HOW ARTEMUS WARD 'SPOKE A PIECE.'" + +"Artemus has arrived. Artemus has spoken. Artemus has triumphed. +Great is Artemus! + +"Great also is Platt's Hall. But Artemus is greater; for the hall +proved too small for his audience, and too circumscribed for the +immensity of his jokes. A man who has drank twenty bottles of wine +may be called `full.' A pint bottle with a quart of water in it +would also be accounted full; and so would an hotel be, every bed in +it let three times over on the same night to three different +occupants; but none of these would be so full as Platt's Hall was on +Friday night to hear Artemus Ward `speak a piece.' + +"The piece selected was `The Babes in the Wood,' which reminds us +that Mr. Ward is a tall, slender-built, fair-complexioned, +jovial-looking gentleman of about twenty-seven years of age. He has +a pleasant manner, an agreeable style, and a clear, distinct, and +powerful voice. + +"'The Babes in the Wood' is a 'comic oration,' with a most +comprehensive grasp of subject. As spoken by its witty author, it +elicited gusto of laughter and whirlwinds of applause. Mr. Ward is +no prosy lyceum lecturer. His style is neither scientific, +didactic, or philosophical. It is simply that of a man who is +brimful of mirth, wit, and satire, and who is compelled to let it +flow forth. Maintaining a very grave countenance himself, he plays +upon the muscles of other people's faces as though they were piano- +strings, and he the prince of pianists. + +"The story of 'The Babes in the Wood' is interesting in the extreme. +We would say, en passant, however, that Artemus Ward is a perfect +steam factory of puns and a museum of American humour. Humanity +seems to him to be a vast mine, out of which he digs tons of fun; +and life a huge forest, in which he can cut down 'cords' of +comicality. Language with him is like the brass balls with which +the juggler amuses us at the circus--ever being tossed up, ever +glittering, ever thrown about at pleasure. We intended to report +his lecture in full, but we laughed till we split our lead pencil, +and our shorthand symbols were too infused with merriment to remain +steady on the paper. However, let us proceed to give an idea of +'The Babes in the Wood.' In the first place, it is a comic oration; +that is, it is spoken, is exuberant in fun, felicitous in fancy, +teeming with jokes, and sparkling as bright waters on a sunny day. +The 'Babes in the Wood' is--that is, it isn't a lecture or an +oratorical effort; it is something sui generis; something reserved +for our day and generation, which it would never have done for our +forefathers to have known, or they would have been too mirthful to +have attended to the business of preparing the world for our coming; +and something which will provoke so much laughter in our time, that +the echo of the laughs will reverberate along the halls of futurity, +and seriously affect the nerves of future generations. + +"The 'Babes in the Wood,' to describe it, is--Well, those who +listened to it know best. At any rate, they will acknowledge with +us that it was a great success, and that Artemus Ward has a fortune +before him in California. + +"And now to tell the story of 'The Babes in the Wood'--But we will +not, for the hall was not half large enough to accommodate those who +came, consequently Mr. Ward will tell it over again at the +Metropolitan Theatre next Tuesday evening. The subject will again +be 'The Babes in the Wood.'" + +Having travelled over the Union with "The Babes in the Wood" +lecture, and left his audiences everywhere fully "in the wood" as +regarded the subject announced in the title, Artemus Ward became +desirous of going over the same ground again. There were not +wanting dreary and timid prophets who told him that having "sold" +his audiences once, he would not succeed in gaining large houses a +second time. But the faith of Artemus in the unsuspecting nature of +the public was very large, so with fearless intrepidity he conceived +the happy thought of inventing a new title, but keeping to the same +old lecture, interspersing it here and there with a few fresh jokes, +incidental to new topics of the times. Just at this period General +McClellan was advancing on Richmond, and the celebrated fight at +Bull's Run had become matter of history. The forcible abolition of +slavery had obtained a place among the debates of the day, Hinton +Rowan Helper's book on "The Inevitable Crisis" had been sold at +every bookstall, and the future of the negro had risen into the +position of being the great point of discussion throughout the land. +Artemus required a very slender thread to string his jokes upon, and +what better one could be found than that which he chose? He +advertised the title of his next lecture as "Sixty Minutes in +Africa." I need scarcely say that he had never been in Africa, and +in all probability had never read a book on African travel. He knew +nothing about it, and that was the very reason he should choose +Africa for his subject. I believe that he carried out the joke so +far as to have a map made of the African continent, and that on a +few occasions, but not on all, he had it suspended in the +lecture-room. It was in Philadelphia and at the Musical Fund Hall +in Locust Street that I first heard him deliver what he jocularly +phrased to me as "My African Revelation." The hall was very +thronged, the audience must have exceeded two thousand in number, +and the evening was unusually warm. Artemus came on the rostrum +with a roll of paper in his hands, and used it to play with +throughout the lecture, just as recently at the Egyptian Hall, while +lecturing on the Mormons, he invariably made use of a lady's riding- +whip for the same purpose. He commenced his lecture thus, speaking +very gravely and with long pauses between his sentences, allowing +his audience to laugh if they pleased, but seeming to utterly +disregard their laughter: + +"I have invited you to listen to a discourse upon Africa. Africa is +my subject. It is a very large subject. It has the Atlantic Ocean +on its left side, the Indian Ocean on its right, and more water than +you could measure out at its smaller end. + +Africa produces blacks--ivory blacks--they get ivory. It also +produces deserts, and that is the reason it is so much deserted by +travellers. Africa is famed for its roses. It has the red rose, +the white rose, and the neg-rose. Apropos of negroes, let me tell +you a little story." + +Then he at once diverged from the subject of Africa to retail to his +audience his amusing story of the Conversion of a Negro, which he +subsequently worked up into an article in the Savage Club Papers, +and entitled "Converting the Nigger." Never once again in the +course of the lecture did he refer to Africa, until the time having +arrived for him to conclude, and the people being fairly worn out +with laughter, he finished up by saying, "Africa, ladies and +gentlemen, is my subject. You wish me to tell you something about +Africa. Africa is on the map--it is on all the maps of Africa that +I have ever seen. You may buy a good map for a dollar, and if you +study it well, you will know more about Africa than I do. It is a +comprehensive subject, too vast, I assure you, for me to enter upon +to-night. You would not wish me to, I feel that--I feel it deeply, +and I am very sensitive. If you go home and go to bed it will be +better for you than to go with me to Africa." + +The joke about the "neg-rose" has since run the gauntlet of nearly +all the minstrel bands throughout England and America. All the +"bones," every "middle-man," and all "end-men" of the burnt-cork +profession have used Artemus Ward as a mine wherein to dig for the +ore which provokes laughter. He has been the "cause of wit in +others," and the bread-winner for many dozens of black-face +songsters--"singists" as he used to term them. He was just as fond +of visiting their entertainments as they were of appropriating his +jokes; and among his best friends in New York were the brothers +Messrs Neil and Dan Bryant, who have made a fortune by what has been +facetiously termed "the burnt-cork opera." + +It was in his "Sixty Minutes in Africa" lecture that Artemus Ward +first introduced his celebrated satire on the negro, which he +subsequently put into print. "The African," said he, "may be our +brother. Several highly respectable gentlemen and some talented +females tell me that he is, and for argument's sake I might be +induced to grant it, though I don't believe it myself. But the +African isn't our sister, and wife, and uncle. He isn't several of +our brothers and first wife's relations. He isn't our grandfather +and great grandfather, and our aunt in the country. Scarcely." + +It may easily be imagined how popular this joke became when it is +remembered that it was first perpetrated at a time when the negro +question was so much debated as to have become an absolute nuisance. +Nothing else was talked of; nobody would talk of anything but the +negro. The saying arose that all Americans had "nigger-on +the-brain." The topic had become nauseous, especially to the +Democratic party; and Artemus always had more friends among them +than among the Republicans. If he had any politics at all he was +certainly a Democrat. + +War had arisen, the South was closed, and the lecturing arena +considerably lessened. Artemus Ward determined to go to California. +Before starting for that side of the American continent, he wished +to appear in the city of New York. He engaged, through his friend +Mr. De Walden, the large hall then known as Niblo's, in front of the +Niblo's Garden Theatre, and now used, I believe, as the dining-room +of the Metropolitan Hotel. At that period Pepper's Ghost chanced to +be the great novelty of New York City, and Artemus Ward was casting +about for a novel title to his old lecture. Whether he or Mr. De +Walden selected that of "Artemus Ward's Struggle with a Ghost" I do +not know; but I think that it was Mr. De Walden's choice. The title +was seasonable, and the lecture successful. Then came the tour to +California, whither I proceeded in advance to warn the miners on the +Yuba, the travellers on the Rio Sacramento, and the citizens of the +Chrysopolis of the Pacific that "A. Ward" would be there shortly. +In California the lecture was advertised under its old name of "The +Babes in the Wood." Platt's Hall was selected for the scene of +operation, and, so popular was the lecturer, that on the first night +we took at the doors more than sixteen hundred dollars in gold. The +crowd proved too great to take money in the ordinary manner, and +hats were used for people to throw their dollars in. One hat broke +through at the crown. I doubt if we ever knew to a dollar how many +dollars it once contained. + +California was duly travelled over, and "The Babes in the Wood" +listened to with laughter in its flourishing cities, its +mining-camps among the mountains, and its "new placers beside +gold-bedded rivers. While journeying through that strangely- +beautiful land, the serious question arose--What was to be done +next? After California--where? + +Before leaving New York, it had been a favourite scheme of Artemus +Ward not to return from California to the East by way of Panama, but +to come home across the Plains, and to visit Salt Lake City by the +way. The difficulty that now presented itself was, that winter was +close upon us, and that it was no pleasant thing to cross the Sierra +Nevada and scale the Rocky Mountains with the thermometer far below +freezingpoint. Nor was poor Artemus even at that time a strong man. +My advice was to return to Panama, visit the West India Islands, and +come back to California in the spring, lecture again in San +Francisco, and then go on to the land of the Mormons. Artemus +doubted the feasibility of this plan, and the decision was +ultimately arrived at to try the journey to Salt Lake. + +Unfortunately the winter turned out to be one of the severest. When +we arrived at Salt Lake City, my poor friend was seized with typhoid +fever, resulting from the fatigue we had undergone, the intense cold +to which we had been subjected, and the excitement of being on a +journey of 3500 miles across the North American Continent, when the +Pacific Railway had made little progress and the Indians were +reported not to be very friendly. + +The story of the trip is told in Artemus Ward's lecture. I have +added to it, at the special request of the publisher, a few +explanatory notes, the purport of which is to render the reader +acquainted with the characteristics of the lecturer's delivery. For +the benefit of those who never had an opportunity of seeing Artemus +Ward nor of hearing him lecture, I may be pardoned for attempting to +describe the man himself. + +In stature he was tall, in figure, slender. At any time during our +acquaintance his height must have been disproportionate to his +weight. Like his brother Cyrus, who died a few years before him; +Charles F. Browne, our "Artemus Ward," had the premonitory signs of +a short life strongly evident in his early manhood. There were the +lank form, the long pale fingers, the very white pearly teeth, the +thin, fine, soft hair, the undue brightness of the eyes, the +excitable and even irritable disposition, the capricious appetite, +and the alternately jubilant and despondent tone of mind which too +frequently indicate that "the abhorred fury with the shears" is +waiting too near at hand to "slit the thin-spun life." His hair was +very light-colored, and not naturally curly. He used to joke in his +lecture about what it cost him to keep it curled; he wore a very +large moustache without any beard or whiskers; his nose was +exceedingly prominent, having an outline not unlike that of the late +Sir Charles Napier. His forehead was large, with, to use the +language of the phrenologists, the organs of the perceptive +faculties far more developed than those of the imaginative powers. +He had the manner and bearing of a naturally-born gentleman. Great +was the disappointment of many who, having read his humorous papers +descriptive of his exhibition of snakes and waxwork, and who having +also formed their ideas of him from the absurd pictures which had +been attached to some editions of his works, found on meeting with +him that there was no trace of the showman in his deportment, and +little to call up to their mind the smart Yankee who had married +"Betsy Jane." There was nothing to indicate that he had not lived a +long time in Europe and acquired the polish which men gain by coming +in contact with the society of European capitals. In his +conversation there was no marked peculiarity of accent to identify +him as an American, nor any of the braggadocio which some of his +countrymen unadvisedly assume. His voice was soft, gentle, and +clear. He could make himself audible in the largest lecture-rooms +without effort. His style of lecturing was peculiar; so thoroughly +sui generis, that I know of no one with whom to compare him, nor can +any description very well convey an idea of that which it was like. +However much he caused his audience to laugh, no smile appeared upon +his own face. It was grave, even to solemnity, while he was giving +utterance to the most delicious absurdities. His assumption of +indifference to that which he was saying, his happy manner of +letting his best jokes fall from his lips as if unconscious of their +being jokes at all, his thorough self-possession on the platform, +and keen appreciation of that which suited his audience and that +which did not, rendered him well qualified for the task which he had +undertaken--that of amusing the public with a humorous lecture. He +understood and comprehended to a hair's breadth the grand secret of +how not to bore. He had weighed, measured, and calculated to a +nicety the number of laughs an audience could indulge in on one +evening, without feeling that they were laughing just a little too +much. Above all, he was no common man, and did not cause his +audience to feel that they were laughing at that which they should +feel ashamed of being amused with. He was intellectually up to the +level of nine-tenths of those who listened to him, and in listening, +they felt that it was no fool who wore the cap and bells so +excellently. It was amusing to notice how with different people his +jokes produced a different effect. The Honourable Robert Lowe +attended one evening at the Mormon Lecture, and laughed as +hilariously as any one in the room. The next evening Mr. John +Bright happened to be present. With the exception of one or two +occasional smiles, he listened with grave attention. + +In placing the lecture before the public in print, it is impossible, +by having recourse to any system of punctuation, to indicate the +pauses, jerky emphases, and odd inflexions of voice which +characterised the delivery. The reporter of the Standard newspaper, +describing his first lecture in London, aptly said: "Artemus dropped +his jokes faster than the meteors of last night succeeded each other +in the sky. And there was this resemblance between the flashes of +his humour and the flights of the meteors, that in each case one +looked for jokes or meteors, but they always came just in the place +that one least expected to find them. Half the enjoyment of the +evening lay, to some of those present, in listening to the hearty +cachinnation of the people who only found out the jokes some two or +three minutes after they were made, and who then laughed apparently +at some grave statements of fact. Reduced to paper, the showman's +jokes are certainly not brilliant; almost their whole effect lies in +their seemingly impromptu character. They are carefully led up to, +of course; but they are uttered as if they are mere afterthoughts, +of which the speaker is hardly sure." Herein the writer in the +Standard hits the most marked peculiarity of Artemus Ward's style of +lecturing. His affectation of not knowing what he was uttering, his +seeming fits of abstraction, and his grave, melancholy aspect, +constituted the very cream of the entertainment. Occasionally he +would amuse himself in an apparently meditative mood, by twirling +his little riding-whip, or by gazing earnestly, but with affected +admiration, at his panorama. At the Egyptian Hall his health +entirely failed him, and he would occasionally have to use a seat +during the course of the lecture. In the notes which follow I have +tried, I know how inefficiently, to convey here and there an idea of +how Artemus rendered his lecture amusing by gesture or action. I +have also, at the request of the publisher, made a few explanatory +comments on the subject of our Mormon trip. In so doing I hope that +I have not thrust myself too prominently forward, nor been too +officious in my explanations. My aim has been to add to the +interest of the lecture with those who never heard it delivered, and +to revive in the memory of those who did some of its notable +peculiarities. The illustrations are from photographs of the +panorama painted in America for Artemus, as the pictorial portion of +his entertainment. + +In the lecture is the fun of the journey. For the hard facts the +reader in quest of information is referred to a book published +previously to the lecturer's appearance at the Egyptian Hall, the +title of which is, "Artemus Ward: His Travels among the Mormons." +Much against the grain as it was for Artemus to be statistical, he +has therein detailed some of the experiences of his Mormon trip, +with due regard to the exactitude and accuracy of statement expected +by information-seeking readers in a book of travels. He was not +precisely the sort of traveller to write a paper for the evening +meetings of the Royal Geographical Society, nor was he sufficiently +interested in philosophical theories to speculate on the +developments of Mormonism as illustrative of the history of +religious belief. We were looking out of the window of the Salt +Lake House one morning, when Brigham Young happened to pass down the +opposite side of Main Street. It was cold weather, and the prophet +was clothed in a thick cloak of some green-colored material. I +remarked to Artemus that Brigham had seemingly compounded Mormonism +from portions of a dozen different creeds; and that in selecting +green for the color of his apparel, he was imitating Mahomet. "Has +it not struck you," I observed, "that Swedenborgianism and +Mahometanism are oddly blended in the Mormon faith?" + +"Petticoatism and plunder," was Artemus's reply--and that +comprehended his whole philosophy of Mormonism. As he remarked +elsewhere: "Brigham Young is a man of great natural ability. If you +ask me, How pious is he? I treat it as a conundrum, and give it up." + +To lecture in London, and at the Egyptian Hall, had long been a +favourite idea of Artemus Ward. Some humorist has said, that "All +good Americans, when they die--, go to Paris." So do most, whether +good or bad, while they are living. + +Still more strongly developed is the transatlantic desire to go to +Rome. In the far west of the Missouri, in the remoter west of +Colorado and away in far north-western Oregon, I have heard many a +tradesman express his intention to make dollars enough to enable him +to visit Rome. In a land where all is so new, where they have had +no past, where an old wall would be a sensation, and a tombstone of +anybody's great grandfather the marvel of the whole region, the +charms of the old world have an irresistible fascination. To visit +the home of the Caesars they have read of in their school-books, and +to look at architecture which they have seen pictorially, but have +nothing like it in existence around them, is very naturally the +strong wish of people who are nationally nomadic, and who have all +more or less a smattering of education. Artemus Ward never +expressed to me any very great wish to travel on the European +continent, but to see London was to accomplish something which he +had dreamed of from his boyhood. There runs from Marysville in +California to Oroville in the same State a short and singular little +railway, which, when we were there, was in a most unfinished +condition. To Oroville we were going. We were too early for the +train at the Marysville station, and sat down on a pile of timber to +chat over future prospects. + +"What sort of a man was Albert Smith?" asked Artemus "And do you +think that the Mormons would be as good a subject for the Londoners +as Mont Blanc was?" + +I answered his questions. He reflected for a few moments, and then +said: + +"Well, old fellow, I'll tell you what I should like to do. I should +like to go to London and give my lecture in the same place. Can it +be done?" + +It was done. Not in the same room, but under the same roof and on +the same floor; in that gloomy-looking Hall in Piccadilly, which was +destined to be the ante-chamber to the tomb of both lecturers. + +Throughout this brief sketch I have written familiarly of the late +Mr. Charles F. Browne as "Artemus Ward," or simply as "Artemus." I +have done so advisedly, mainly because, during the whole course of +our acquaintance, I do not remember addressing him as "Mr. Browne," +or by his real Christian name. To me he was always "Artemus"-- +Artemus the kind, the gentle, the suave, the generous. One who was +ever a friend in the fullest meaning of the word, and the best of +companions in the amplest acceptance of the phrase. His merry laugh +and pleasant conversation are as audible to me as if they were heard +but yesterday; his words of kindness linger on the ear of memory, +and his tones of genial mirth live in echoes which I shall listen to +for evermore. Two years will soon have passed away since last he +spoke, and + + "Silence now, enamour'd of his voice + Looks its mute music in her rugged cell." + + E.P. HINGSTON. +LONDON, October 1868. + +* * * + + +ARTEMUS WARD. + +PART I. + +ESSAYS, SKETCHES, AND LETTERS. + + +1.1. ONE OF MR. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS. + +To the Editor of the -- + +Sir--I'm movin along--slowly along--down tords your place. I +want you should rite me a letter, sayin how is the show bizniss +in your place. My show at present consists of three moral Bares, +a Kangaroo (a amoozin little Raskal--t'would make you larf +yerself to deth to see the little cuss jump up and squeal) wax +figgers of G. Washington Gen. Tayler John Bunyan Capt Kidd and +Dr. Webster in the act of killin Dr. Parkman, besides several +miscellanyus moral wax statoots of celebrated piruts & murderers, +&c., ekalled by few & exceld by none. Now Mr. Editor, scratch +orf a few lines sayin how is the show bizniss down to your place. +I shall hav my hanbills dun at your offiss. Depend upon it. I +want you should git my hanbills up in flamin stile. Also git up +a tremenjus excitemunt in yr. paper 'bowt my onparaleld Show. We +must fetch the public sumhow. We must wurk on their feelins. +Cum the moral on 'em strong. If it's a temperance community tell +'em I sined the pledge fifteen minits arter Ise born, but on the +contery ef your peple take their tods, say Mister Ward is as +Jenial a feller as we ever met, full of conwiviality, & the life +an sole of the Soshul Bored. Take, don't you? If you say anythin +abowt my show say my snaiks is as harmliss as the new-born Babe. +What a interestin study it is to see a zewological animil like a +snaik under perfeck subjecshun! My kangaroo is the most larfable +little cuss I ever saw. All for 15 cents. I am anxyus to skewer +your infloounce. I repeet in regard to them hanbills that I shall +git 'em struck orf up to your printin office. My perlitercal +sentiments agree with yourn exackly. I know thay do, becawz I +never saw a man whoos didn't. + +Respectively yures, + +A. Ward. + +P.S.--You scratch my back & Ile scratch your back. + + +1.2. ON "FORTS." + +Every man has got a Fort. It's sum men's fort to do one thing, +and some other men's fort to do another, while there is numeris +shiftliss critters goin round loose whose fort is not to do +nothin. + +Shakspeer rote good plase, but he wouldn't hav succeeded as a +Washington correspondent of a New York daily paper. He lackt the +rekesit fancy and imagginashun. + +That's so! + +Old George Washington's Fort was not to hev eny public man of the +present day resemble him to eny alarmin extent. Whare bowts can +George's ekal be found? I ask, & boldly anser no whares, or eny +whare else. + +Old man Townsin's Fort was to maik Sassyperiller. "Goy to the +world! anuther life saived!" (Cotashun from Townsin's +advertisemunt.) + +Cyrus Field's Fort is to lay a sub-machine tellegraf under the +boundin billers of the Oshun, and then hev it Bust. + +Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared Gloo, which mends everything. +Wonder ef it will mend a sinner's wickid waze? (Impromptoo +goak.) + +Zoary's Fort is to be a femaile circus feller. + +My Fort is the grate moral show bizniss & ritin choice famerly +literatoor for the noospapers. That's what's the matter with ME. + +&c., &c., &c. So I mite go on to a indefnit extent. + +Twict I've endeverd to do things which thay wasn't my Fort. The +fust time was when I undertuk to lick a owdashus cuss who cut a +hole in my tent & krawld threw. Sez I, "my jentle Sir go out or +I shall fall onto you putty hevy." Sez he, "Wade in, Old wax +figgers," whareupon I went for him, but he cawt me powerful on +the hed & knockt me threw the tent into a cow pastur. He pursood +the attack & flung me into a mud puddle. As I aroze & rung out +my drencht garmints I koncluded fitin wasn't my Fort. Ile now +rize the kurtin upon Seen 2nd: It is rarely seldum that I seek +consolation in the Flowin Bole. But in a sertin town in Injianny +in the Faul of 18--, my orgin grinder got sick with the fever & +died. I never felt so ashamed in my life, & I thowt I'd hist in +a few swallows of suthin strengthin. Konsequents was I histid in +so much I dident zackly know whare bowts I was. I turnd my livin +wild beests of Pray loose into the streets and spilt all my wax +wurks. I then Bet I cood play hoss. So I hitched myself to a +Kanawl bote, there bein two other hosses hitcht on also, one +behind and anuther ahead of me. The driver hollerd for us to git +up, and we did. But the hosses bein onused to sich a arrangemunt +begun to kick & squeal and rair up. Konsequents was I was kickt +vilently in the stummuck & back, and presuntly I fownd myself in +the Kanawl with the other hosses, kickin & yellin like a tribe of +Cusscaroorus savvijis. I was rescood, & as I was bein carrid to +the tavern on a hemlock Bored I sed in a feeble voise, "Boys, +playin hoss isn't my Fort." + +MORUL--Never don't do nothin which isn't your Fort, for ef you do +you'll find yourself splashin round in the Kanawl, figgeratively +speakin. + + +1.3. THE SHAKERS. + +The Shakers is the strangest religious sex I ever met. I'd hearn +tell of 'em and I'd seen 'em, with their broad brim'd hats and +long wastid coats; but I'd never cum into immejit contack with +'em, and I'd sot 'em down as lackin intelleck, as I'd never seen +'em to my Show--leastways, if they cum they was disgised in white +peple's close, so I didn't know 'em. + +But in the Spring of 18--, I got swampt in the exterior of New +York State, one dark and stormy night, when the winds Blue +pityusly, and I was forced to tie up with the Shakers. + +I was toilin threw the mud, when in the dim vister of the futer I +obsarved the gleams of a taller candle. Tiein a hornet's nest to +my off hoss's tail to kinder encourage him, I soon reached the +place. I knockt at the door, which it was opened unto me by a +tall, slick-faced, solum lookin individooal, who turn'd out to be +a Elder. + +"Mr. Shaker," sed I, "you see before you a Babe in the woods, so +to speak, and he axes shelter of you." + +"Yay," sed the Shaker, and he led the way into the house, another +Shaker bein sent to put my hosses and waggin under kiver. + +A solum female, lookin sumwhat like a last year's beanpole stuck +into a long meal bag, cum in axed me was I athurst and did I +hunger? to which I urbanely anserd "a few." She went orf and I +endeverd to open a conversashun with the old man. + +"Elder, I spect?" sed I. + +"Yay," he said. + +"Helth's good, I reckon?" + +"Yay." + +"What's the wages of a Elder, when he understans his bizness--or +do you devote your sarvices gratooitus?" + +"Yay." + +"Stormy night, sir." + +"Yay." + +"If the storm continners there'll be a mess underfoot, hay?" + +"Yay." + +"It's onpleasant when there's a mess underfoot?" + +"Yay." + +"If I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that pecooler +kind of weskit you wear, incloodin trimmins?" + +"Yay!" + +I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I'd be faseshus with him and +see how that would go, I slapt him on the shoulder, bust into a +harty larf, and told him that as a yayer he had no livin ekal. + +He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears, +groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed: "You're a +man of sin!" He then walkt out of the room. + +Jest then the female in the meal bag stuck her hed into the room +and statid that refreshments awaited the weary travler, and I sed +if it was vittles she ment the weary travler was agreeable, and I +follored her into the next room. + +I sot down to the table and the female in the meal bag pored out +sum tea. She sed nothin, and for five minutes the only live +thing in that room was a old wooden clock, which tickt in a +subdood and bashful manner in the corner. This dethly stillness +made me oneasy, and I determined to talk to the female or bust. +So sez I, "marrige is agin your rules, I bleeve, marm?" + +"Yay." + +"The sexes liv strickly apart, I spect?" + +"Yay." + +"It's kinder singler," sez I, puttin on my most sweetest look and +speakin in a winnin voice, "that so fair a made as thow never got +hitched to some likely feller." [N.B.--She was upards of 40 and +homely as a stump fence, but I thawt I'd tickil her.] + +"I don't like men!" she sed, very short. + +"Wall, I dunno," sez I, "they're a rayther important part of the +populashun. I don't scacely see how we could git along without +'em." + +"Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better if there +was no men!" + +"You'll excoos me, marm, but I don't think that air would work. +It wouldn't be regler." + +"I'm fraid of men!" she sed. + +"That's onnecessary, marm. YOU ain't in no danger. Don't fret +yourself on that pint." + +"Here we're shot out from the sinful world. Here all is peas. +Here we air brothers and sisters. We don't marry and consekently +we hav no domestic difficulties. Husbans don't abooze their +wives--wives don't worrit their husbans. There's no children +here to worrit us. Nothin to worrit us here. No wicked +matrimony here. Would thow like to be a Shaker?" + +"No," sez I, "it ain't my stile." + +I had now histed in as big a load of pervishuns as I could carry +comfortable, and, leanin back in my cheer, commenst pickin my +teeth with a fork. The female went out, leavin me all alone with +the clock. I hadn't sot thar long before the Elder poked his hed +in at the door. "You're a man of sin!" he sed, and groaned and +went away. + +Direckly thar cum in two young Shakeresses, as putty and slick +lookin gals as I ever met. It is troo they was drest in meal +bags like the old one I'd met previsly, and their shiny, silky +har was hid from sight by long white caps, sich as I spose female +Josts wear; but their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks +was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw +stuns at his granmother if they axed him to. They comenst +clearin away the dishes, castin shy glances at me all the time. +I got excited. I forgot Betsy Jane in my rapter, and sez I, "my +pretty dears, how air you?" + +"We air well," they solumly sed. + +"Whar's the old man?" sed I, in a soft voice. + +"Of whom dost thow speak--Brother Uriah?" + +"I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a man of sin. +Shouldn't wonder if his name was Uriah." + +"He has retired." + +"Wall, my pretty dears," sez I, "let's have sum fun. Let's play +puss in the corner. What say?" + +"Air you a Shaker, sir?" they axed. + +"Wall my pretty dears, I haven't arrayed my proud form in a long +weskit yit, but if they was all like you perhaps I'd jine 'em. +As it is, I'm a Shaker pro-temporary." + +They was full of fun. I seed that at fust, only they was a +leetle skeery. I tawt 'em Puss in the corner and sich like plase, +and we had a nice time, keepin quiet of course so the old man +shouldn't hear. When we broke up, sez I, "my pretty dears, ear I +go you hav no objections, hav you, to a innersent kiss at +partin?" + +"Yay," they said, and I YAY'D. + +I went up stairs to bed. I spose I'd bin snoozin half an hour +when I was woke up by a noise at the door. I sot up in bed, +leanin on my elbers and rubbin my eyes, and I saw the follerin +picter: The Elder stood in the doorway, with a taller candle in +his hand. He hadn't no wearin appeerel on except his night +close, which flutterd in the breeze like a Seseshun flag. He sed, +"You're a man of sin!" then groaned and went away. + +I went to sleep agin, and drempt of runnin orf with the pretty +little Shakeresses mounted on my Californy Bar. I thawt the Bar +insisted on steerin strate for my dooryard in Baldinsville and +that Betsy Jane cum out and giv us a warm recepshun with a +panfull of Bilin water. I was woke up arly by the Elder. He +said refreshments was reddy for me down stairs. Then sayin I was +a man of sin, he went groanin away. + +As I was goin threw the entry to the room where the vittles was, +I cum across the Elder and the old female I'd met the night +before, and what d'ye spose they was up to? Huggin and kissin +like young lovers in their gushingist state. Sez I, "my Shaker +friends, I reckon you'd better suspend the rules and git +married." + +"You must excoos Brother Uriah," sed the female; "he's subjeck to +fits and hain't got no command over hisself when he's into 'em." + +"Sartinly," sez I, "I've bin took that way myself frequent." + +"You're a man of sin!" sed the Elder. + +Arter breakfust my little Shaker frends cum in agin to clear away +the dishes. + +"My pretty dears," sez I, "shall we YAY agin?" + +"Nay," they sed, and I NAY'D. + +The Shakers axed me to go to their meetin, as they was to hav +sarvices that mornin, so I put on a clean biled rag and went. +The meetin house was as neat as a pin. The floor was white as +chalk and smooth as glass. The Shakers was all on hand, in clean +weskits and meal bags, ranged on the floor like milingtery +companies, the mails on one side of the room and the females on +tother. They commenst clappin their hands and singin and dancin. +They danced kinder slow at fust, but as they got warmed up they +shaved it down very brisk, I tell you. Elder Uriah, in +particler, exhiberted a right smart chance of spryness in his +legs, considerin his time of life, and as he cum a dubble shuffle +near where I sot, I rewarded him with a approvin smile and sed: +"Hunky boy! Go it, my gay and festiv cuss!" + +"You're a man of sin!" he sed, continnerin his shuffle. + +The Sperret, as they called it, then moved a short fat Shaker to +say a few remarks. He sed they was Shakers and all was ekal. +They was the purest and Seleckest peple on the yearth. Other +peple was sinful as they could be, but Shakers was all right. +Shakers was all goin kerslap to the Promist Land, and nobody want +goin to stand at the gate to bar 'em out, if they did they'd git +run over. + +The Shakers then danced and sung agin, and arter they was threw, +one of 'em axed me what I thawt of it. + +Sez I, "What duz it siggerfy?" + +"What?" sez he. + +"Why this jumpin up and singin? This long weskit bizniss, and +this anty-matrimony idee? My frends, you air neat and tidy. +Your lands is flowin with milk and honey. Your brooms is fine, +and your apple sass is honest. When a man buys a keg of apple +sass of you he don't find a grate many shavins under a few layers +of sass--a little Game I'm sorry to say sum of my New Englan +ancesters used to practiss. Your garding seeds is fine, and if I +should sow 'em on the rock of Gibralter probly I should raise a +good mess of garding sass. You air honest in your dealins. You +air quiet and don't distarb nobody. For all this I givs you +credit. But your religion is small pertaters, I must say. You +mope away your lives here in single retchidness, and as you air +all by yourselves nothing ever conflicks with your pecooler +idees, except when Human Nater busts out among you, as I +understan she sumtimes do. [I giv Uriah a sly wink here, which +made the old feller squirm like a speared Eel.] You wear long +weskits and long faces, and lead a gloomy life indeed. No +children's prattle is ever hearn around your harthstuns--you air +in a dreary fog all the time, and you treat the jolly sunshine of +life as tho' it was a thief, drivin it from your doors by them +weskits, and meal bags, and pecooler noshuns of yourn. The gals +among you, sum of which air as slick pieces of caliker as I ever +sot eyes on, air syin to place their heds agin weskits which +kiver honest, manly harts, while you old heds fool yerselves with +the idee that they air fulfillin their mishun here, and air +contented. Here you air all pend up by yerselves, talkin about +the sins of a world you don't know nothin of. Meanwhile said +world continners to resolve round on her own axletree onct in +every 24 hours, subjeck to the Constitution of the United States, +and is a very plesant place of residence. It's a unnatral, +onreasonable and dismal life you're leadin here. So it strikes +me. My Shaker frends, I now bid you a welcome adoo. You hav +treated me exceedin well. Thank you kindly, one and all. + +"A base exhibiter of depraved monkeys and onprincipled wax +works!" sed Uriah. + +"Hello, Uriah," sez I, "I'd most forgot you. Wall, look out for +them fits of yourn, and don't catch cold and die in the flour of +your youth and beauty." + +And I resoomed my jerney. + + +1.4. HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA. + +In the Faul of 1856, I showed my show in Uticky, a trooly grate +sitty in the State of New York. + +The people gave me a cordyal recepshun. The press was loud in +her prases. + +1 day as I was givin a descripshun of my Beests and Snaiks in my +usual flowry stile what was my skorn disgust to see a big burly +feller walk up to the cage containin my wax figgers of the Lord's +Last Supper, and cease Judas Iscarrot by the feet and drag him +out on the ground. He then commenced fur to pound him as hard as +he cood. + +"What under the son are you abowt?" cried I. + +Sez he, "What did you bring this pussylanermus cuss here fur?" +and he hit the wax figger another tremenjis blow on the hed. + +Sez I, "You egrejus ass, that air's a wax figger--a +representashun of the false 'Postle." + +Sez he, "That's all very well fur you to say, but I tell you, old +man, that Judas Iscarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with +impunerty by a darn site!" with which observashun he kaved in +Judassis hed. The young man belonged to 1 of the first famerlies +in Utiky. I sood him, and the Joory brawt in a verdick of Arson +in the 3d degree. + + +1.5. CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOR OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE. + +Baldinsville, Injianny, Sep. the onct, 18&58.--I was summund home +from Cinsinnaty quite suddin by a lettur from the Supervizers of +Baldinsville, sayin as how grate things was on the Tappis in that +air town in refferunse to sellebratin the compleshun of the +Sub-Mershine Tellergraph & axkin me to be Pressunt. Lockin up my +Kangeroo and wax wurks in a sekure stile I took my departer for +Baldinsville--"my own, my nativ lan," which I gut intwo at early +kandle litin on the follerin night & just as the sellerbrashun +and illumernashun ware commensin. + +Baldinsville was trooly in a blaze of glory. Near can I forgit +the surblime speckticul which met my gase as I alited from the +Staige with my umbreller and verlis. The Tarvern was lit up with +taller kandles all over & a grate bon fire was burnin in frunt +thareof. A Traspirancy was tied onto the sine post with the +follerin wurds--"Giv us Liberty or Deth." Old Tompkinsis grosery +was illumernated with 5 tin lantuns and the follerin Transpirancy +was in the winder--"The Sub-Mershine Tellergraph & the +Baldinsville and Stonefield Plank Road--the 2 grate eventz of the +19th centerry--may intestines strife never mar their grandjure." +Simpkinsis shoe shop was all ablase with kandles and lantuns. A +American Eagle was painted onto a flag in a winder--also these +wurds, viz.--"The Constitooshun must be Presarved." The Skool +house was lited up in grate stile and the winders was filld with +mottoes amung which I notised the follerin--"Trooth smashed to +erth shall rize agin--YOU CAN'T STOP HER." "The Boy stood on the +Burnin Deck whense awl but him had Fled." "Prokrastinashun is +the theaf of Time." "Be virtoous & you will be Happy." +"Intemperunse has cawsed a heap of trubble--shun the Bole," an +the follerin sentimunt written by the skool master, who graduated +at Hudson Kollige: "Baldinsville sends greetin to Her Magisty +the Queen, & hopes all hard feelins which has heretofore previs +bin felt between the Supervizers of Baldinsville and the British +Parlimunt, if such there has been, may now be forever wiped frum +our Escutchuns. Baldinsville this night rejoises over the +gerlorious event which sementz 2 grate nashuns onto one anuther +by means of a elecktric wire under the roarin billers of the +Nasty Deep. QUOSQUE TANTRUM, A BUTTER, CATERLINY, PATENT +NOSTRUM!" Squire Smith's house was lited up regardlis of +expense. His little sun William Henry stood upon the roof firin +orf crackers. The old 'Squire hisself was dressed up in soljer +clothes and stood on his door-step, pintin his sword sollumly to +a American flag which was suspendid on top of a pole in frunt of +his house. Frequiently he wood take orf his cocked hat & wave it +round in a impressive stile. His oldest darter Mis Isabeller +Smith, who has just cum home from the Perkinsville Female +Instertoot, appeared at the frunt winder in the West room as the +goddis of liberty, & sung "I see them on their windin way." +Booteus 1, sed I to myself, you air a angil & nothin shorter. N. +Boneparte Smith, the 'Squire's oldest sun, drest hisself up as +Venus the God of Wars and red the Decleration of Inderpendunse +from the left chambir winder. The 'Squire's wife didn't jine in +the festiverties. She sed it was the tarnulest nonsense she ever +seed. Sez she to the 'Squire, "Cum into the house and go to bed +you old fool, you. Tomorrer you'll be goin round half-ded with +the rumertism & won't gin us a minit's peace till you get well." +Sez the 'Squire, "Betsy, you little appresiate the importance of +the event which I this night commererate." Sez she, "Commemerate +a cat's tail--cum into the house this instant, you pesky old +critter." "Betsy," sez the 'Squire, wavin his sword, "retire." +This made her just as mad as she could stick. She retired, but +cum out agin putty quick with a panfull of Bilin hot water which +she throwed all over the Squire, & Surs, you wood have split your +sides larfin to see the old man jump up and holler & run into the +house. Except this unpropishus circumstance all went as merry as +a carriage bell, as Lord Byrun sez. Doctor Hutchinsis offiss was +likewise lited up and a Transpirancy, on which was painted the +Queen in the act of drinkin sum of "Hutchinsis invigorater," was +stuck into one of the winders. The Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty +noospaper offiss was also illumernated, & the follerin mottoes +stuck out--"The Press is the Arkermejian leaver which moves the +world." "Vote Early." "Buckle on your Armer." "Now is the time +to Subscribe." "Franklin, Morse & Field." "Terms 1.50 dollars a +year--liberal reducshuns to clubs." In short the villige of +Baldinsville was in a perfect fewroar. I never seed so many +peple thar befour in my born days. Ile not attemp to describe +the seens of that grate night. Wurds wood fale me ef I shood try +to do it. I shall stop here a few periods and enjoy my "Oatem +cum dig the tates," as our skool master observes, in the buzzum +of my famerly, & shall then resume the show biznis, which Ive bin +into twenty-two (22) yeres and six (6) months. + + +1.6. AMONG THE SPIRITS. + +My naburs is mourn harf crazy on the new-fangled ideas about +Sperrets. Sperretooul Sircles is held nitely & 4 or 5 long hared +fellers has settled here and gone into the Sperret biznis +excloosively. A atemt was made to git Mrs. A. Ward to embark +into the Sperret biznis but the atemt faled. 1 of the long hared +fellers told her she was a ethereal creeter & wood make a sweet +mejium, whareupon she attact him with a mop handle & drove him +out of the house. I will hear obsarve that Mrs.Ward is a +invalerble womum--the partner of my goys & the shairer of my +sorrers. In my absunse she watchis my interests & things with a +Eagle Eye & when I return she welcums me in afectionate stile. +Trooly it is with us as it was with Mr. & Mrs. INGOMER in the +Play, to whit,-- + + 2 soles with but a single thawt + 2 harts which beet as 1. + +My naburs injooced me to attend a Sperretooul Sircle at Squire +Smith's. When I arrove I found the east room chock full includin +all the old maids in the villige & the long hared fellers a4sed. +When I went in I was salootid with "hear cums the benited man"-- +"hear cums the hory-heded unbeleever"--"hear cums the skoffer at +trooth," etsettery, etsettery. + +Sez I, "my frens, it's troo I'm hear, & now bring on your +Sperrets." + +1 of the long hared fellers riz up and sed he would state a few +remarks. He sed man was a critter of intelleck & was movin on to +a Gole. Sum men had bigger intellecks than other men had and +thay wood git to the Gole the soonerest. Sum men was beests & +wood never git into the Gole at all. He sed the Erth was +materiel but man was immaterial, and hens man was different from +the Erth. The Erth, continnered the speaker, resolves round on +its own axeltree onct in 24 hours, but as man haint gut no +axeltree he cant resolve. He sed the ethereal essunce of the +koordinate branchis of super-human natur becum mettymorfussed as +man progrest in harmonial coexistunce & eventooally anty +humanized theirselves & turned into reglar sperretuellers. (This +was versifferusly applauded by the cumpany, and as I make it a +pint to get along as pleasant as possible, I sung out "bully for +you, old boy.") + +The cumpany then drew round the table and the Sircle kommenst +to go it. Thay axed me if thare was an body in the Sperret land +which I wood like to convarse with. I sed if Bill Tompkins, who +was onct my partner in the show biznis, was sober, I should like +to convarse with him a few periods. + +"Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present?" sed 1 of the long +hared chaps, and there was three knox on the table. + +Sez I, "William, how goze it, Old Sweetness?" + +"Pretty ruff, old hoss," he replide. + +That was a pleasant way we had of addressin each other when he +was in the flesh. + +"Air you in the show bizniz, William?" sed I. + +He sed he was. He sed he & John Bunyan was travelin with a +side show in connection with Shakspere, Jonson & Co.'s Circus. +He sed old Bun (meanin Mr. Bunyan,) stired up the animils & +ground the organ while he tended door. Occashunally Mr. Bunyan +sung a comic song. The Circus was doin middlin well. Bill +Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old Bob Ridley, and Ben +Jonson was delitin the peple with his trooly grate ax of +hossmanship without saddul or bridal. Thay was rehersin +Dixey's Land & expected it would knock the peple. + +Sez I, "William, my luvly friend, can you pay me that 13 +dollars you owe me?" He sed no with one of the most tremenjis +knox I ever experiunsed. + +The Sircle sed he had gone. "Air you gone, William?" I axed. +"Rayther," he replide, and I knowd it was no use to pursoo the +subjeck furder. + +I then called fur my farther. + +"How's things, daddy?" + +"Middlin, my son, middlin." + +"Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy?" + +"Scacely." + +"Why not, my parient?" + +"Becawz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers, my son. +Bimeby you'll lose all your character for trooth and +verrasserty. When I helpt you into the show biznis I told you +to dignerfy that there profeshun. Litteratoor is low." + +He also statid that he was doin middlin well in the peanut +biznis & liked it putty well, tho' the climit was rather warm. + +When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it. + +Sez I, "My frends I've bin into the show biznis now goin on 23 +years. Theres a artikil in the Constitooshun of the United +States which sez in effeck that everybody may think just as he +darn pleazes, & them is my sentiments to a hare. You dowtlis +beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I think it is a little mixt. +Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out & out Sperret rapper +he leeves orf workin, lets his hare grow all over his fase & +commensis spungin his livin out of other peple. He eats all +the dickshunaries he can find & goze round chock full of big +words, scarein the wimmin folks & little children & destroyin +the piece of mind of evry famerlee he enters. He don't do +nobody no good & is a cuss to society & a pirit on honest +peple's corn beef barrils. Admittin all you say abowt the +doctrin to be troo, I must say the reglar perfessional Sperrit +rappers--them as makes a biznis on it--air abowt the most +ornery set of cusses I ever enkountered in my life. So sayin I +put on my surtoot and went home. + + Respectably Yures, + Artemus Ward. + + +1.7. ON THE WING. + +Gents of the Editorial Corpse.-- + +Since I last rit you I've met with immense success a showin my +show in varis places, particly at Detroit. I put up at Mr. +Russel's tavern, a very good tavern too, but I am sorry to +inform you that the clerks tried to cum a Gouge Game on me. I +brandished my new sixteen dollar huntin-cased watch round +considerable, & as I was drest in my store clothes & had a lot +of sweet-scented wagon-grease on my hair, I am free to confess +that I thought I lookt putty gay. It never once struck me that +I lookt green. But up steps a clerk & axes me hadn't I better +put my watch in the Safe. "Sir," sez I, "that watch cost +sixteen dollars! Yes, Sir, every dollar of it! You can't cum +it over me, my boy! Not at all, Sir." I know'd what the clerk +wanted. He wanted that watch himself. He wanted to make +believe as tho he lockt it up in the safe, then he would set +the house a fire and pretend as tho the watch was destroyed +with the other property! But he caught a Tomarter when he got +hold of me. From Detroit I go West'ard hoe. On the cars was a +he-lookin female, with a green-cotton umbreller in one hand and +a handful of Reform tracks in the other. She sed every woman +should have a Spear. Them as didn't demand their Spears, +didn't know what was good for them. "What is my Spear?" she +axed, addressing the people in the cars. "Is it to stay at +home & darn stockins & be the ser-LAVE of a domineerin man? Or +is it my Spear to vote & speak & show myself the ekal of a man? +Is there a sister in these keers that has her proper Spear?" +Sayin which the eccentric female whirled her umbreller round +several times, & finally jabbed me in the weskit with it. + +"I hav no objecshuns to your goin into the Spear bizness," sez +I, "but you'll please remember I ain't a pickeril. Don't Spear +me agin, if you please." She sot down. + +At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sudden faintness, I called for +a drop of suthin to drink. As I was stirrin the beverage up, a +pale-faced man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my +shoulder, & sed, "Look not upon the wine when it is red!" + +Sez I, "This ain't wine. This is Old Rye." + +"'It stingeth like a Adder and biteth like a Sarpent!'" sed the +man. + +"I guess not," sed I, "when you put sugar into it. That's the +way I allers take mine." + +"Have you sons grown up, sir?" the man axed. + +"Wall," I replide, as I put myself outside my beverage, "my son +Artemus junior is goin on 18." + +"Ain't you afraid if you set this example be4 him he'll cum to +a bad end?" + +"He's cum to a waxed end already. He's learnin the shoe makin +bizness," I replide. "I guess we can both on us git along +without your assistance, Sir," I obsarved, as he was about to +open his mouth agin. + +"This is a cold world!" sed the man. + +"That's so. But you'll get into a warmer one by and by if you +don't mind your own bizness better." I was a little riled at +the feller, because I never take anythin only when I'm onwell. +I arterwards learned he was a temperance lecturer, and if he +can injuce men to stop settin their inards on fire with the +frightful licker which is retailed round the country, I shall +hartily rejoice. Better give men Prusick Assid to onct, than +to pizen 'em to deth by degrees. + +At Albion I met with overwhelmin success. The celebrated +Albion Female Semenary is located here, & there air over 300 +young ladies in the Institushun, pretty enough to eat without +seasonin or sass. The young ladies was very kind to me, +volunteerin to pin my handbills onto the backs of their +dresses. It was a surblime site to see over 300 young ladies +goin round with a advertisement of A. Ward's onparaleld show, +conspickusly posted onto their dresses. + +They've got a Panick up this way and refooze to take Western +money. It never was worth much, and when western men, who +knows what it is, refooze to take their own money it is about +time other folks stopt handlin it. Banks are bustin every day, +goin up higher nor any balloon of which we hav any record. +These western bankers air a sweet & luvly set of men. I wish I +owned as good a house as some of 'em would break into! + +Virtoo is its own reward. + + A. Ward. + + +1.8. THE OCTOROON. + +It is with no ordernary feelins of Shagrin & indignashun that I +rite you these here lines. Sum of the hiest and most purest +feelins whitch actoate the humin hart has bin trampt onto. The +Amerycan flag has bin outrajed. Ive bin nussin a Adder in my +Boozum. The fax in the kase is these here: + +A few weeks ago I left Baldinsville to go to N.Y. fur to git +out my flamin yeller hanbills fur the Summer kampane, & as I +was peroosin a noospaper on the kars a middel aged man in +speckterkuls kum & sot down beside onto me. He was drest in +black close & was appeerently as fine a man as ever was. + +"A fine day, Sir," he did unto me strateway say. + +"Middlin," sez I, not wishin to kommit myself, tho he peered to +be as fine a man as there was in the wurld--"It is a middlin +fine day, Square," I obsarved. + +Sez he, "How fares the Ship of State in yure regine of +country?" + +Sez I, "We don't hav no ships in our State--the kanawl is our +best holt." + +He pawsed a minit and then sed, "Air yu aware, Sir, that the +krisis is with us?" + +"No," sez I, getting up and lookin under the seet, "whare is +she?" + +"It's hear--it's everywhares," he sed. + +Sez I, "Why how you tawk!" and I gut up agin & lookt all round. +"I must say, my fren," I continnered, as I resoomed my seet, +"that I kan't see nothin of no krisis myself." I felt sumwhat +alarmed, & arose & in a stentoewrian voice obsarved that if any +lady or gentleman in that there kar had a krisis consealed +abowt their persons they'd better projuce it to onct or suffer +the konsequences. Several individoouls snickered rite out, +while a putty little damsell rite behind me in a pinc gown made +the observashun, "He, he." + +"Sit down, my fren," sed the man in black close, "yu +miskomprehend me. I meen that the perlittercal ellermunts are +orecast with black klouds, 4boden a friteful storm." + +"Wall," replide I, "in regard to perlittercal ellerfunts I +don't know as how but what they is as good as enny other kind +of ellerfunts. But I maik bold to say thay is all a ornery set +& unpleasant to hav around. They air powerful hevy eaters & +take up a right smart chans of room, & besides thay air as ugly +and revenjeful, as a Cusscaroarus Injun, with 13 inches of corn +whisky in his stummick." The man in black close seemed to be +as fine a man as ever was in the wurld. He smilt & sed praps I +was rite, tho it was ellermunts instid of ellerfunts that he +was alludin to, & axed me what was my prinserpuls? + +"I haint gut enny," sed I--"not a prinserpul. Ime in the show +biznis." The man in black close, I will hear obsarve, seemed +to be as fine a man as ever was in the wurld. + +"But," sez he, "you hav feelins into you? You cimpathize with +the misfortunit, the loly & the hart-sick, don't you?" He bust +into teers and axed me ef I saw that yung lady in the seet out +yender, pintin to as slick a lookin gal as I ever seed. + +Sed I, "2 be shure I see her--is she mutch sick?" The man in +black close was appeerently as fine a man as ever was in the +wurld ennywhares. + +"Draw closter to me," sed the man in black close. "Let me git +my mowth fernenst yure ear. Hush--SHESE A OCTOROON!" + +"No!" sez I, gittin up in a exsited manner, "yu don't say so! +How long has she bin in that way?" + +"Frum her arliest infuncy," sed he. + +"Wall, whot upon arth duz she doo it fur?" I inquired. + +"She kan't help it," sed the man in black close. "It's the +brand of Kane." + +"Wall, she'd better stop drinkin Kane's brandy," I replide. + +"I sed the brand of Kane was upon her--not brandy, my fren. +Yure very obtoose." + +I was konsiderbul riled at this. Sez I, "My gentle Sir, Ime a +nonresistanter as a ginral thing, & don't want to git up no +rows with nobuddy, but I kin nevertheles kave in enny man's hed +that calls me a obtoos," with whitch remarks I kommenst fur to +pull orf my extry garmints. "Cum on," sez I--"Time! hear's the +Beniki Boy fur ye!" & I darnced round like a poppit. He riz up +in his seet & axed my pardin--sed it was all a mistake--that I +was a good man, etsettery, & sow 4th, & we fixt it all up +pleasant. I must say the man in black close seamed to be as +fine a man as ever lived in the wurld. He sed a Octoroon was +the 8th of a negrow. He likewise statid that the female he was +travlin with was formurly a slave in Mississippy; that she'd +purchist her freedim & now wantid to purchiss the freedim of +her poor old muther, who (the man in black close obsarved) was +between 87 years of age & had to do all the cookin & washin for +25 hired men, whitch it was rapidly breakin down her konstitushun. +He sed he knowed the minit he gazed onto my klassic & beneverlunt +fase that I'd donate librully & axed me to go over & see her, +which I accordingly did. I sot down beside her and sed, "yure +Sarvant, Marm! How do yer git along?" + +She bust in 2 teers & sed, "O Sur, I'm so retchid--I'm a poor +unfortunit Octoroon." + +"So I larn. Yure rather more Roon than Octo, I take it," sed +I, fur I never seed a puttier gal in the hull endoorin time of +my life. She had on a More Antic Barsk & a Poplin Nubier with +Berage trimmins onto it, while her ise & kurls was enuff to +make a man jump into a mill pond without biddin his relashuns +good-by. I pittid the Octoroon from the inmost recusses of my +hart & hawled out 50 dollars kerslap, & told her to buy her old +muther as soon as posserbul. Sez she "kine sir mutch thanks." +She then lade her hed over onto my showlder & sed I was "old +rats." I was astonished to heer this obsarvation, which I +knowd was never used in refined society & I perlitely but +emfattercly shovd her hed away. + +Sez I "Marm, I'm trooly sirprized." + +Sez she, "git out. Yure the nicist old man Ive seen yit. Give +us anuther 50!" Had a seleck assortment of the most tremenjious +thunderbolts descended down onto me I couldn't hav bin more +takin aback. I jumpt up, but she ceased my coat tales & in a +wild voise cride, "No, Ile never desart you--let us fli together +to a furrin shoor!" + +Sez I, "not mutch we wont," and I made a powerful effort to get +awa from her. "This is plade out," I sed, whereupon she jerkt +me back into the seet. "Leggo my coat, you scandaluss female," +I roared, when she set up the most unarthly yellin and hollerin +you ever heerd. The passinjers & the gentlemunly konducter +rusht to the spot, & I don't think I ever experiunsed sich a +rumpus in the hull coarse of my natral dase. The man in black +close rusht up to me & sed "How dair yu insult my neece, you +horey heded vagabone. You base exhibbiter of low wax figgers-- +yu woolf in sheep's close," & sow 4th. + +I was konfoozed. I was a loonytick fur the time bein, and +offered 5 dollars reward to enny gentleman of good morrul +carracter who wood tell me whot my name was & what town I livd +into. The konducter kum to me & sed the insultid parties wood +settle for 50 dollars, which I immejitly hawled out, & agane +implored sumbuddy to state whare I was prinsipully, & if I +shood be thare a grate while my self ef things went on as +they'd bin goin fur sum time back. I then axed if there was +enny more Octoroons present, "becawz," sez I, "ef there is, let +um cum along, fur Ime in the Octoroon bizniss." I then threw +my specterculs out of the winder, smasht my hat wildly down +over my Ise, larfed highsterically & fell under a seet. I lay +there sum time & fell asleep. I dreamt Mrs. Ward & the twins +had bin carried orf by Ryenosserhosses & that Baldinsville had +bin captered by a army of Octoroons. When I awoked the lamps +was a burnin dimly. Sum of the passinjers was a snorein like +pawpusses & the little damsell in the pinc gown was a singin +"Oft in the Silly nite." The onprinsipuld Octoroon & the +miserbul man in black close was gone, & all of a suddent it +flasht ore my brane that I'de bin swindild. + + +1.9. EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR. + +In the Ortum of 18-- my frend, the editor of the Baldinsville +Bugle, was obleged to leave perfeshernal dooties & go & dig his +taters, & he axed me to edit for him dooring his absence. +Accordingly I ground up his Shears and commenced. It didn't +take me a grate while to slash out copy enuff from the xchanges +(Perhaps five per cent. of the Western newspapers is original +matter relating to the immediate neighborhood, the rest is +composed of "telegraphs" and clippings from the "exchanges"--a +general term applied to those papers posted in exchange for +others, the accommodation being a mutual benefit.) for one +issoo, and I thawt I'd ride up to the next town on a little +Jaunt, to rest my Branes, which had bin severely rackt by my +mental efforts. (This is sorter Ironical.) So I went over to +the Rale Road offiss and axed the Sooprintendent for a pars. + +"YOU a editer?" he axed, evijently on the pint of snickerin. + +"Yes Sir," sez I; "don't I look poor enuff?" + +"Just about," sed he, "but our Road can't pars you." + +"Can't, hay?" + +"No Sir--it can't." + +"Becauz," sez I, lookin him full in the face with a Eagle eye, +"IT GOES SO DARNED SLOW IT CAN'T PARS ANYBODY!" Methinks I had +him thar. It's the slowest Rale Road in the West. With a +mortified air, he told me to git out of his offiss. I pittid +him and went. + + +1.10. OBERLIN. + +About two years ago I arrove in Oberlin, Ohio. Oberlin is +whare the celebrated college is. In fack, Oberlin IS the +college, everything else in that air vicinity resolvin around +excloosivly for the benefit of that institution. It is a very +good college, too, & a grate many wurthy yung men go there +annooally to git intelleck into 'em. But its my onbiassed +'pinion that they go it rather too strong on Ethiopians at +Oberlin. But that's nun of my bisniss. I'm into the Show +bizness. Yit as a faithful historan I must menshun the fack +that on rainy dase white peple can't find their way threw the +streets without the gas is lit, there bein such a numerosity of +cullerd pussons in the town. + +As I was sayin, I arroved at Oberlin, and called on Perfesser +Peck for the purpuss of skewerin Kolonial Hall to exhibit my +wax works and beests of Pray into. Kolonial Hall is in the +college and is used by the stujents to speak peaces and read +essays into. + +Sez Perfesser Peck, "Mister Ward, I don't know 'bout this +bizniss. What are your sentiments?" + +Sez I, "I hain't got any." + +"Good God!" cried the Perfesser, "did I understan you to say +you hav no sentiments!" + +"Nary a sentiment!" sez I. + +"Mister Ward, don't your blud bile at the thawt that three +million and a half of your culled brethren air a clankin their +chains in the South?" + +Sez I, "Not a bile! Let 'em clank!" + +He was about to continner his flowry speech when I put a +stopper on him. Sez I, "Perfesser Peck, A. Ward is my name & +Americky is my nashun; I'm allers the same, tho' humble is my +station, and I've bin in the show bizniss goin on 22 years. +The pint is, can I hav your Hall by payin a fair price? You +air full of sentiments. That's your lay, while I'm a exhibiter +of startlin curiosities. What d'ye say?" + +"Mister Ward, you air endowed with a hily practical mind, and +while I deeply regret that you air devoid of sentiments I'll +let you hav the hall provided your exhibition is of a moral & +elevatin nater." + +Sez I, "Tain't nothin shorter." + +So I opened in Kolonial Hall, which was crowded every nite with +stujents, &c. Perfesser Finny gazed for hours at my Kangaroo, +but when that sagashus but onprincipled little cuss set up one +of his onarthly yellins and I proceeded to hosswhip him, the +Perfesser objected. "Suffer not your angry pashums to rise up +at the poor annimil's little excentrissities," said the +Perfesser. + +"Do you call such conduck as THOSE a little excentrissity?" I +axed. + +"I do," sed he; sayin which he walked up to the cage and sez +he, "let's try moral swashun upon the poor creeter." So he put +his hand upon the Kangeroo's hed and sed, "poor little fellow-- +poor little fellow--your master is very crooil, isn't he, my +untootered frend," when the Kangaroo, with a terrific yell, +grabd the Perfesser by the hand and cum very near chawin it +orf. It was amoozin to see the Perfesser jump up and scream +with pane. Sez I, "that's one of the poor little fellow's +excentrissities!" + +Sez he, "Mister Ward, that's a dangerous quadruped. He's +totally depraved. I will retire and do my lasserated hand up in +a rag, and meanwhile I request you to meat out summery and +severe punishment to the vishus beest," I hosswhipt the little +cuss for upwards of 15 minutes. Guess I licked sum of his +excentrissity out of him. + +Oberlin is a grate plase. The College opens with a prayer and +then the New York Tribune is read. A kolleckshun is then taken +up to buy overkoats with red horn buttons onto them for the +indignant cullured people of Kanady. I have to contribit +librally two the glowrius work, as they kawl it hear. I'm +kompelled by the Fackulty to reserve front seets in my show for +the cullered peple. At the Boardin House the cullered peple +sit at the first table. What they leeve is maid into hash for +the white peple. As I don't like the idee of eatin my vittles +with Ethiopians, I sit at the seckind table, and the +konsequence is I've devowered so much hash that my inards is in +a hily mixt up condishun. Fish bones hav maid their appearance +all over my boddy and pertater peelins air a springin up +through my hair. Howsever I don't mind it. I'm gittin along +well in a pecunery pint of view. The College has konfired upon +me the honery title of T.K., of which I'm suffishuntly prowd. + + +1.11. THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. + +Thare was many affectin ties which made me hanker arter Betsy +Jane. Her father's farm jined our'n; their cows and our'n +squencht their thurst at the same spring; our old mares both +had stars in their forreds; the measles broke out in both +famerlies at nearly the same period; our parients (Betsy's and +mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in the same meetin house, and +the nabers used to obsarve, "How thick the Wards and Peasleys +air!" It was a surblime site, in the Spring of the year, to +see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with their gowns +pin'd up so thay couldn't sile 'em, affecshuntly Bilin sope +together & aboozin the nabers. + +Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objeck of my affecshuns, I +darsunt tell her of the fires which was rajin in my manly +Buzzum. I'd try to do it but my tung would kerwollup up agin +the roof of my mowth & stick thar, like deth to a deseast +Afrikan or a country postmaster to his offiss, while my hart +whanged agin my ribs like a old fashioned wheat Flale agin a +barn floor. + +'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht and nary +a zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on +the fense of her farther's pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the +woods, kullin flours & drivin the woodchuck from his Nativ Lair +(so to speak) with long sticks. Wall, we sot thar on the +fense, a swingin our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the +Baldinsville skool house when it was fust painted, and lookin +very simple, I make no doubt. My left arm was ockepied in +ballunsin myself on the fense, while my rite was woundid +luvinly round her waste. + +I cleared my throat and tremblin sed, "Betsy, you're a +Gazelle." + +I thought that air was putty fine. I waitid to see what effeck +it would hav upon her. It evidently didn't fetch her, for she +up and sed, + +"You're a sheep!" + +Sez I, "Betsy, I think very muchly of you." + +"I don't b'leeve a word you say--so there now cum!" with which +obsarvashun she hitched away from me. + +"I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, "so that you could +see some of my feelins. There's fire enuff in here," sed I, +strikin my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef and +turnips in the naberhood. Versoovius and the Critter ain't a +circumstans!" + +She bowd her hed down and commenst chawin the strings to her +sun bonnet. + +"Ar could you know the sleeplis nites I worry threw with on +your account, how vittles has seized to be attractiv to me & +how my lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me. Gase on this +wastin form and these 'ere sunken cheeks"-- + +I should have continnered on in this strane probly for sum +time, but unfortnitly I lost my ballunse and fell over into the +pastur ker smash, tearin my close and seveerly damagin myself +ginerally. + +Betsy Jane sprung to my assistance in dubble quick time and +dragged me 4th. Then drawin herself up to her full hite she +sed: + +"I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite +strate out what you're drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, +I'M IN!" + +I considered that air enuff for all practicul purpusses, and we +proceeded immejitely to the parson's, & was made 1 that very +nite. + +(Notiss to the Printer: Put some stars here.) + + * * * * * * + +I've parst threw many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane +has bin troo as steel. By attendin strickly to bizniss I've +amarsed a handsum Pittance. No man on this footstool can rise & +git up & say I ever knowinly injered no man or wimmin folks, +while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few and exceld by +none, embracin as it does a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild +Beests of Pray, snaix in grate profushun, a endliss variety of +life-size wax figgers, & the only traned kangaroo in Ameriky-- +the most amoozin little cuss ever introjuced to a discriminatin +public. + + +1.12. THE CRISIS. + +[This Oration was delivered before the commencement of the +war.] + +On returnin to my humsted in Baldinsville, Injianny, resuntly, +my feller sitterzens extended a invite for me to norate to 'em +on the Krysis. I excepted & on larst Toosday nite I peared be4 +a C of upturned faces in the Red Skool House. I spoke nearly +as follers: + +Baldinsvillins: Hearto4, as I hav numerously obsarved, I have +abstrained from having any sentimunts or principles, my +pollertics, like my religion, bein of a exceedin accommodatin +character. But the fack can't be no longer disgised that a +Krysis is onto us, & I feel it's my dooty to accept your invite +for one consecutive nite only. I spose the inflammertory +individooals who assisted in projucing this Krysis know what +good she will do, but I ain't 'shamed to state that I don't +scacely. But the Krysis is hear. She's bin hear for sevral +weeks, & Goodness nose how long she'll stay. But I venter to +assert that she's rippin things. She's knockt trade into a +cockt up hat and chaned Bizness of all kinds tighter nor I ever +chaned any of my livin wild Beests. Alow me to hear dygress & +stait that my Beests at presnt is as harmless as the newborn +Babe. Ladys & gentlemen needn't hav no fears on that pint. To +resoom--Altho I can't exactly see what good this Krysis can do, +I can very quick say what the origernal cawz of her is. The +origernal cawz is Our Afrikan Brother. I was into BARNIM'S +Moozeum down to New York the other day & saw that exsentric +Etheopian, the What Is It. Sez I, "Mister What Is It, you +folks air raisin thunder with this grate country. You're +gettin to be ruther more numeris than interestin. It is a pity +you coodent go orf sumwhares by yourselves, & be a nation of +What Is Its, tho' if you'll excoose me, I shooden't care about +marryin among you. No dowt you're exceedin charmin to hum, but +your stile of luvliness isn't adapted to this cold climit. He +larfed into my face, which rather Riled me, as I had been +perfeckly virtoous and respectable in my observashuns. So sez +I, turnin a leetle red in the face, I spect, "Do you hav the +unblushin impoodents to say you folks haven't raised a big mess +of thunder in this brite land, Mister What Is It?" He larfed +agin, wusser nor be4, whareupon I up and sez, "Go home, Sir, to +Afriky's burnin shores & taik all the other What Is Its along +with you. Don't think we can spair your interestin picters. +You What Is Its air on the pint of smashin up the gratest +Guv'ment ever erected by man, & you actooally hav the owdassity +to larf about it. Go home, you low cuss!" + +I was workt up to a high pitch, & I proceeded to a Restorator & +cooled orf with some little fishes biled in ile--I b'leeve thay +call 'em sardeens. + +Feller Sitterzuns, the Afrikan may be Our Brother. Sevral hily +respectyble gentlemen, and sum talentid females tell us so, & +fur argyment's sake I mite be injooced to grant it, tho' I +don't beleeve it myself. But the Afrikan isn't our sister & +our wife & our uncle. He isn't sevral of our brothers & all +our fust wife's relashuns. He isn't our grandfather, and our +grate grandfather, and our Aunt in the country. Scacely. & +yit numeris persons would have us think so. It's troo he runs +Congress & sevral other public grosserys, but then he ain't +everybody & everybody else likewise. [Notiss to bizness men of +VANITY FAIR: Extry charg fur this larst remark. It's a goak. +--A.W.] + +But we've got the Afrikan, or ruther he's got us, & now what +air we going to do about it? He's a orful noosanse. Praps he +isn't to blame fur it. Praps he was creatid fur sum wise +purpuss, like the measles and New Englan Rum, but it's mity +hard to see it. At any rate he's no good here, & as I statid +to Mister What Is It, it's a pity he cooden't go orf sumwhares +quietly by hisself, whare he cood wear red weskits & speckled +neckties, & gratterfy his ambishun in varis interestin wase, +without havin a eternal fuss kickt up about him. + +Praps I'm bearin down too hard upon Cuffy. Cum to think on it, +I am. He woodn't be sich a infernal noosanse if white peple +would let him alone. He mite indeed be interestin. And now I +think of it, why can't the white peple let him alone. What's +the good of continnerly stirrin him up with a ten-foot pole? +He isn't the sweetest kind of Perfoomery when in a natral +stait. + +Feller Sitterzens, the Union's in danger. The black devil +Disunion is trooly here, starein us all squarely in the face! +We must drive him back. Shall we make a 2nd Mexico of +ourselves? Shall we sell our birthrite for a mess of potash? +Shall one brother put the knife to the throat of anuther +brother? Shall we mix our whisky with each other's blud? +Shall the star spangled Banner be cut up into dishcloths? +Standin here in this here Skoolhouse, upon my nativ shor so to +speak, I anser--Nary! + +Oh you fellers who air raisin this row, & who in the fust place +startid it, I'm 'shamed of you. The Showman blushes for you, +from his boots to the topmost hair upon his wenerable hed. + +Feller Sitterzens: I am in the Sheer & Yeller leaf. I shall +peg out 1 of these dase. But while I do stop here I shall stay +in the Union. I know not what the supervizers of Baldinsville +may conclude to do, but for one, I shall stand by the Stars & +Stripes. Under no circumstances whatsomever will I sesesh. +Let every Stait in the Union sesesh & let Palmetter flags flote +thicker nor shirts on Square Baxter's close line, still will I +stick to the good old flag. The country may go to the devil, +but I won't! And next Summer when I start out on my campane +with my Show, wharever I pitch my little tent, you shall see +floatin prowdly from the center pole thereof the Amerikan Flag, +with nary a star wiped out, nary a stripe less, but the same +old flag that has allers flotid thar! & the price of admishun +will be the same it allers was--15 cents, children half price. + +Feller Sitterzens, I am dun. Accordinly I squatted. + + +1.13. WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKESPEARE. + +ONTO THE WING--1859. + +Mr. Editor. + +I take my Pen in hand to inform yu that I'm in good helth and +trust these few lines will find yu injoyin the same blessins. +I wood also state that I'm now on the summir kampane. As the +Poit sez-- + + ime erflote, ime erflote + On the Swift rollin tied + An the Rovir is free. + +Bizness is scacely middlin, but Sirs I manige to pay for my +foode and raiment puncktooally and without no grumblin. The +barked arrers of slandur has bin leviled at the undersined +moren onct sins heze bin into the show bizness, but I make bold +to say no man on this footstule kan troothfully say I ever +ronged him or eny of his folks. I'm travelin with a tent, +which is better nor hirin hauls. My show konsists of a serious +of wax works, snakes, a paneramy kalled a Grand Movin Diarea of +the War in the Crymear, komic songs and the Cangeroo, which +larst little cuss continners to konduct hisself in the most +outrajus stile. I started out with the idear of makin my show +a grate Moral Entertainment, but I'm kompeled to sware so much +at that air infurnal Kangeroo that I'm frade this desine will +be flustratid to some extent. And while speakin of morrality, +remines me that sum folks turn up their nosis at shows like +mine, sayin they is low and not fit to be patrernized by +peplpeple of high degree. Sirs, I manetane that this is +infernul nonsense. I manetane that wax figgers is more +elevatin than awl the plays ever wroten. Take Shakespeer for +instunse. Peple think heze grate things, but I kontend heze +quite the reverse to the kontrary. What sort of sense is thare +to King Leer, who goze round cussin his darters, chawin hay and +throin straw at folks, and larfin like a silly old koot and +makin a ass of hisself ginerally? Thare's Mrs. Mackbeth--sheze +a nise kind of woomon to have round ain't she, a puttin old +Mack, her husband, up to slayin Dunkan with a cheeze knife, +while heze payin a frendly visit to their house. O its hily +morral, I spoze, when she larfs wildly and sez, "gin me the +daggurs--Ile let his bowels out," or wurds to that effeck--I +say, this is awl, strickly, propper I spoze? That Jack +Fawlstarf is likewise a immoral old cuss, take him how ye may, +and Hamlick is as crazy as a loon. Thare's Richurd the Three, +peple think heze grate things, but I look upon him in the lite +of a monkster. He kills everybody he takes a noshun to in kold +blud, and then goze to sleep in his tent. Bimeby he wakes up +and yells for a hoss so he kan go orf and kill some more peple. +If he isent a fit spesserman for the gallers then I shood like +to know whare you find um. Thare's Iargo who is more ornery +nor pizun. See how shameful he treated that hily respecterble +injun gentlemun, Mister Otheller, makin him for to beleeve his +wife was too thick with Casheo. Obsarve how Iargo got Casheo +drunk as a biled owl on corn whiskey in order to karry out his +sneekin desines. See how he wurks Mister Otheller's feelins up +so that he goze and makes poor Desdemony swaller a piller which +cawses her deth. But I must stop. At sum futur time I shall +continner my remarks on the drammer in which I shall show the +varst supeeriority of wax figgers and snakes over theater +plays, in a interlectooal pint of view. + +Very Respectively yures, + A WARD, T.K. + + +1.14. AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. (Some queer people, calling +themselves "Free Lovers," and possessing very original ideas +about life and morality, established themselves at Berlin +Heights, in Ohio, a few years since. Public opinion was +resistlessly against them, however, and the association was +soon disbanded.) + +Some years ago I pitched my tent and onfurled my banner to the +breeze, in Berlin Hites, Ohio. I had hearn that Berlin Hites +was ockepied by a extensive seck called Free Lovers, who +beleeved in affinertys and sich, goin back on their domestic +ties without no hesitation whatsomever. They was likewise +spirit rappers and high presher reformers on gineral +principles. If I can improve these 'ere misgided peple by +showin them my onparalleld show at the usual low price of +admitants, methunk, I shell not hav lived in vane. But +bitterly did I cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid +place. I sot up my tent in a field near the Love Cure, as they +called it, and bimeby the free lovers begun for to congregate +around the door. A onreer set I have never sawn. The men's +faces was all covered with hare and they lookt half-starved to +deth. They didn't wear no weskuts for the purpose (as they +sed) of allowin the free air of hevun to blow onto their +boozums. Their pockets was filled with tracks and pamplits and +they was bare-footed. They sed the Postles didn't wear boots, +& why should they? That was their stile of argyment. The +wimin was wuss than the men. They wore trowsis, short gownds, +straw hats with green ribbins, and all carried bloo cotton +umbrellers. + +Presently a perfeckly orful lookin female presented herself at +the door. Her gownd was skanderlusly short and her trowsis was +shameful to behold. + +She eyed me over very sharp, and then startin back she sed, in +a wild voice: + +"Ah, can it be?" + +"Which?" sed I. + +"Yes, 'tis troo, O 'tis troo!" + +"15 cents, marm," I anserd. + +She bust out a cryin & sed: + +"And so I hav found you at larst--at larst, O at larst!" + +"Yes," I anserd, "you hav found me at larst, and you would hav +found me at fust, if you had cum sooner." + +She grabd me vilently by the coat collar, and brandishin her +umbreller wildly round, exclaimed: + +"Air you a man?" + +Sez I, "I think I air, but if you doubt it, you can address +Mrs. A. Ward, Baldinsville, Injianny, postage pade, & she will +probly giv you the desired informashun." + +"Then thou ist what the cold world calls marrid?" + +"Madam, I istest!" + +The exsentric female then clutched me franticly by the arm and +hollered: + +"You air mine, O you air mine!" + +"Scacely," I sed, endeverin to git loose from her. But she +clung to me and sed: + +"You air my Affinerty!" + +"What upon arth is that?" I shouted. + +"Dost thou not know?" + +"No, I dostent!" + +"Listin man, & I'll tell ye!" sed the strange female; "for +years I hav yearned for thee. I knowd thou wast in the world, +sumwhares, tho I didn't know whare. My hart sed he would cum +and I took courage. He HAS cum--he's here--you air him--you +air my Affinerty! O 'tis too mutch! too mutch!" and she sobbed +agin. + +"Yes," I anserd, "I think it is a darn site too mutch!" + +"Hast thou not yearned for me?" she yelled, ringin her hands +like a female play acter. + +"Not a yearn!" I bellerd at the top of my voice, throwin her +away from me. + +The free lovers who was standin round obsarvin the scene +commenst for to holler "shame" "beast," etsettery, etsettery. + +I was very mutch riled, and fortifyin myself with a spare tent +stake, I addrest them as follers: "You pussylanermus critters, +go way from me and take this retchid woman with you. I'm a +law-abidin man, and beleeve in good, old-fashioned institutions. +I am marrid & my orfsprings resemble me if I am a showman! I +think your Affinity bizniss is cussed noncents, besides bein +outrajusly wicked. Why don't you behave desunt like other +folks? Go to work and earn a honist livin and not stay round +here in this lazy, shiftless way, pizenin the moral atmosphere +with your pestifrous ideas! You wimin folks go back to your +lawful husbands if you've got any, and take orf them skanderlous +gownds and trowsis, and dress respectful like other wimin. You +men folks, cut orf them pirattercal whiskers, burn up them +infurnel pamplits, put sum weskuts on, go to work choppin wood, +splittin fence rales, or tillin the sile." I pored 4th my +indignashun in this way till I got out of breth, when I stopt. +I shant go to Berlin Hites agin, not if I live to be as old +as Methooseler. + + +1.15. A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. + +It is now goin on 2 (too) yeres, as I very well remember, since +I crossed the Planes for Kaliforny, the Brite land of Jold. +While crossin the Planes all so bold I fell in with sum noble +red men of the forest (N.B. This is rote Sarcasticul. Injins +is Pizin, whar ever found,) which thay Sed I was their Brother, +& wanted for to smoke the Calomel of Peace with me. Thay then +stole my jerkt beef, blankits, etsettery, skalpt my orgin +grinder & scooted with a Wild Hoop. Durin the Cheaf's techin +speech he sed he shood meet me in the Happy Huntin Grounds. If +he duz thare will be a fite. But enuff of this ere. "Reven +Noose Muttons," as our skoolmaster, who has got Talent into +him, cussycally obsarve. + +I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time. At Camp Scott there was a +lot of U.S. sogers, hosstensibly sent out there to smash the +Mormons but really to eat Salt vittles & play poker & other +beautiful but sumwhat onsartin games. I got acquainted with +sum of the officers. Thay lookt putty scrumpshus in their +Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um & ware very talented +drinkers, but so fur as fitin is consarned I'd willingly put my +wax figgers agin the hull party. + +My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake City, so I +called on Brigham Yung, the grate mogull amung the mormins and +axed his permishun to pitch my tent and onfurl my banner to the +jentle breezis. He lookt at me in a austeer manner for a few +minits, and sed: + +"Do you bleeve in Solomon, Saint Paul, the immaculateness of +the Mormin Church and the Latter-day Revelashuns?" + +Sez I, "I'm on it!" I make it a pint to git along plesunt, tho +I didn't know what under the Son the old feller was drivin at. +He sed I mite show. + +"You air a marrid man, Mister Yung, I bleeve?" sez I, preparin +to rite him sum free parsis. + +"I hev eighty wives, Mister Ward. I sertinly am married." + +"How do you like it as far as you hev got?" sed I. + +He sed "middlin," and axed me wouldn't I like to see his +famerly, to which I replide that I wouldn't mine minglin with +the fair Seck & Barskin in the winnin smiles of his interestin +wives. He accordingly tuk me to his Scareum. The house is +powerful big & in a exceedin large room was his wives & +children, which larst was squawkin and hollerin enuff to take +the roof rite orf the house. The wimin was of all sizes and +ages. Sum was pretty & sum was Plane--sum was helthy and sum +was on the Wayne--which is verses, tho sich was not my +intentions, as I don't 'prove of puttin verses in Proze +rittins, tho ef occashun requires I can Jerk a Poim ekal to any +of them Atlantic Munthly fellers. + +"My wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung. + +"Your sarvant, marms," sed I, as I sot down in a cheer which a +red-heded female brawt me. + +"Besides these wives you see here, Mister Ward," sed Yung, "I +hav eighty more in varis parts of this consecrated land which +air Sealed to me." + +"Which?" sez I, gittin up & starin at him. + +"Sealed, Sir! sealed." + +"Whare bowts?" sez I. + +"I sed, Sir, that they was sealed!" He spoke in a traggerdy +voice. + +"Will they probly continner on in that stile to any grate +extent, Sir?" I axed. + +"Sir," sed he, turnin as red as a biled beet, "don't you know +that the rules of our Church is that I, the Profit, may hev as +meny wives as I wants?" + +"Jes so," I sed. "You are old pie, ain't you?" + +"Them as is Sealed to me--that is to say, to be mine when I +wants um--air at present my sperretooul wives," sed Mister +Yung. + +"Long may thay wave!" sez I, seein I shood git into a scrape ef +I didn't look out. + +In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt the follerin +fax: It takes him six weeks to kiss his wives. He don't do it +only onct a yere & sez it is wuss nor cleanin house. He don't +pretend to know his children, thare is so many of um, tho they +all know him. He sez about every child he meats call him Par, +& he takes it for grantid it is so. His wives air very +expensiv. Thay allers want suthin & ef he don't buy it for um +thay set the house in a uproar. He sez he don't have a minit's +peace. His wives fite amung their selves so much that he has +bilt a fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when too of 'em +get into a row he has em turnd loose into that place, whare the +dispoot is settled accordin to the rules of the London prize +ring. Sum times thay abooz hisself individooally. Thay hev +pulled the most of his hair out at the roots & he wares meny a +horrible scar upon his body, inflicted with mop-handles, +broom-sticks, and sich. Occashunly they git mad & scald him +with bilin hot water. When he got eny waze cranky thay'd shut +him up in a dark closit, previsly whippin him arter the stile +of muthers when thare orfsprings git onruly. Sumptimes when he +went in swimmin thay'd go to the banks of the Lake & steal all +his close, thereby compellin him to sneek home by a sircootius +rowt, drest in the Skanderlus stile of the Greek Slaiv. "I +find that the keers of a marrid life way hevy onto me," sed the +Profit, "& sumtimes I wish I'd remaned singel." I left the +Profit and startid for the tavern whare I put up to. On my way +I was overtuk by a lurge krowd of Mormons, which they +surroundid me & statid that they were goin into the Show free. + +"Wall," sez I, "ef I find a individooal who is goin round +lettin folks into his show free, I'll let you know." + +"We've had a Revelashun biddin us go into A. Wards's Show +without payin nothin!" thay showtid. + +"Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, ceasin me by the +cote tales & swingin me round very rapid, "we're all goin in +free! So sez the Revelashun!" + +"What's Old Revelashun got to do with my show?" sez I, gittin +putty rily. "Tell Mister Revelashun," sed I, drawin myself up +to my full hite and lookin round upon the ornery krowd with a +prowd & defiant mean, "tell Mister Revelashun to mind his own +bizness, subject only to the Konstitushun of the United +States!" + +"Oh now let us in, that's a sweet man," sed several femails, +puttin thare arms round me in luvin style. "Become 1 of us. +Becum a Preest & hav wives Sealed to you." + +"Not a Seal!" sez I, startin back in horror at the idee. + +"Oh stay, Sir, stay," sed a tell, gawnt femaile, ore whoos hed +37 summirs must hev parsd, "stay, & I'll be your Jentle +Gazelle." + +"Not ef I know it, you won't," sez I. "Awa you skanderlus +femaile, awa! Go & be a Nunnery!" THAT'S WHAT I SED, JES SO. + +"& I," sed a fat chunky femaile, who must hev wade more than +too hundred lbs, "I will be your sweet gidin Star!" + +Sez I, "Ile bet two dollers and a half you won't!" Whare ear I +may Rome Ile still be troo 2 thee, Oh Betsy Jane! [N.B. Betsy +Jane is my wife's Sir naime.] + +"Wiltist thou not tarry here in the promist Land?" sed several +of the miserabil critters. + +"Ile see you all essenshally cussed be4 I wiltist!" roared I, +as mad as I cood be at thare infernul noncents. I girdid up my +Lions & fled the Seen. I packt up my duds & Left Salt Lake, +which is a 2nd Soddum & Germorrer, inhabitid by as theavin & +onprincipled a set of retchis as ever drew Breth in eny spot on +the Globe. + + +1.16. SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURG. + +Hear in the Buzzum of my famerly I am enjoyin myself, at peas +with awl mankind and the wimin folks likewise. I go down to +the villige ockashunly and take a little old Rye fur the +stummuck's sake, but I avoyd spiritus lickers as a ginral +thing. No man evir seen me intossikated but onct, and that air +happind in Pittsburg. A parsel of ornery cusses in that luvly +sity bustid inter the hawl durin the nite and aboosed my wax +works shaimful. I didn't obsarve the outrajus transacshuns +ontil the next evening when the peple begun for to kongregate. +Suddinly they kommensed fur to larf and holler in a boysterious +stile. Sez I good peple what's up? Sez thay them's grate wax +wurks, isn't they, old man. I immejitly looked up ter whare +the wax works was, and my blud biles as I think of the site +which then met my Gase. I hope two be dodrabbertid (Dod-rabit +is an American euphemism for a profane expression which is +quite as common in this country as on the other side of the +Atlantic.) if them afoursed raskals hadent gone and put a old +kaved in hat onter George Washington's hed and shuved a short +black klay pipe inter his mouth. His noze thay had painted red +and his trowsis legs thay had shuved inside his butes. My wax +figger of Napoleon Boneypart was likewise mawltreatid. His +sword wus danglin tween his legs, and his cockd hat was drawn +klean down over his ize, and he was plased in a stoopin +posishun lookin zactly as tho he was as drunk as a biled owl. +Ginral Taylor was a standin on his hed and Wingfield Skott's +koat tales ware pind over his hed and his trowsis ware +kompleetly torn orf frum hisself. My wax works representin the +Lord's Last Supper was likewise aboozed. Three of the Postles +ware under the table and two of um had on old tarpawlin hats +and raggid pee jackits and ware smokin pipes. Judus Iskarriot +had on a cocked hat and was appeerently drinkin, as a Bottle of +whisky sot befour him. This ere specktercal was too much fur +me. I klosed the show and then drowndid my sorrers in the +flowin Bole. + + +1.17. THE CENSUS. + +The Sences taker in our town bein taken sick, he deppertised me +to go out for him one day, and as he was too ill to giv me +informashun how to perceed, I was consekently compelled to go +it blind. Sittin down by the road side, I drawd up the +follerin list of questions, which I proposed to ax the peple I +visited: + + Wat's your age? + + Whar was you born? + + Air you marrid, and if so how do you like it? + + How many children hav you, and do they resemble you or your + naber? + + Did you ever hav the measels, and if so how many? + + Hav you a twin brother several years older than yourself? + + How many parents hav you? + + Do you read Watt's Hims regler? + + Do you use boughten tobacker? +(I.e., that which has been bought. A very common word in the +interior of New England and New York. It is applied to +articles purchased from the shops, to distinguish them from +articles of home manufacture. Many farmers make their own +sugar from the maple-tree, and their coffee from barley or rye. +West India sugar or coffee is then called "boughten sugar," &c. +"This is a home-made carpet; that a 'boughten' one," i.e., one +bought at a shop. In the North of England, baker's bread is +called "bought bread." + + Wat's your fitin wate? + + Air you trubeld with biles? + + How does your meresham culler? + + State whether you air blind, deaf, idiotic, or got the + heaves? + + Do you know any Opry singers, and if so how much do they owe + you? + + What's the average of virtoo on the Ery Canawl? + + If 4 barrils of Emptins pored onto a barn floor will kiver + it, how many plase can Dion Bourcicault write in a year? +[Emptyings, pronounced "emptins," the lees of beer, cider, &c.; +yeast or anything by which bread is leavened:- + +"'Twill take more emptins, by a long chalk, than this new + party's got, + To give such heavy cakes as these a start, I tell ye what." + "The Biglow Papers."] + + Is Beans a regler article of diet in your family? + + How many chickins hav you, on foot and in the shell? + + Air you aware that Injianny whisky is used in New York + shootin galrys instid of pistols, and that it shoots furthest? + + Was you ever at Niagry Falls? + + Was you ever in the Penitentiary? + + State how much pork, impendin crysis, Dutch cheeze, popler + suvrinty, standard poetry, children's strainers, slave code, + catnip, red flannel, ancient history, pickled tomaters, old + junk, perfoomery, coal ile, liberty, hoop skirt, &c., you hav + on hand? + +But it didn't work. I got into a row at the fust house I stopt +to, with some old maids. Disbelieven the ansers they giv in +regard to their ages, I endevered to open their mouths and look +at their teeth, same as they do with hosses, but they floo into +a vilent rage and tackled me with brooms and sich. Takin the +sences requires experiunse, like any other bizniss. + + +1.18. AN HONEST LIVING. + +I was on my way from the mines to San Francisco, with a light +puss and a hevy hart. You'd scacely hav recognized my fair +form, so kiverd was I with dust. Bimeby I met Old Poodles, the +all-firdist gambler in the country. He was afoot and in his +shirt-sleeves, and was in a wuss larther nor any race hoss I +ever saw. ("All-fired," enormous, excessive, a low Americanism, +not improbably a puritanical corruption of "hell-fired," +designed to have the virtue of an oath without offending polite +ears.) + +"Whither goist thow, sweet nimp?" sez I, in a play-actin tone. + +"To the mines, Sir," he unto me did say, "to the mines, TO EARN +AN HONEST LIVIN." + +Thinks I that air aint very cool, I guess, and druv on. + + +1.19. THE PRESS. + +I want the editers to cum to my Show free as the flours of May, +but I don't want um to ride a free hoss to deth. Thare is +times when Patience seizes to be virtoous. I had "in my mind's +eye, Hurrashio" (cotashun from Hamlick) sum editers in a sertin +town which shall be nameless, who air Both sneakin and ornery. +They cum in krowds to my Show and then axt me ten sents a line +for Puffs. I objectid to payin, but they sed ef I didn't down +with the dust thay'd wipe my Show from the face of the earth! +Thay sed the Press was the Arkymedian Leaver which moved the +wurld. I put up to their extorshuns until thay'd bled me so I +was a meer shadder, and left in disgust. + +It was in a surtin town in Virginny, the Muther of Presidents & +things, that I was shaimfully aboozed by a editor in human +form. He set my Show up steep & kalled me the urbane & +gentlemunly manajer, but when I, fur the purpuss of showin fair +play all around, went to anuther offiss to git my hanbills +printed, what duz this pussillanermus editer do but change his +toon & abooze me like a Injun. He sed my wax wurks was a +humbug & called me a horey-heded itinerent vagabone. I thort +at fust Ide pollish him orf ar-lar the Beneshy Boy, but on +reflectin that he cood pollish me much wuss in his paper, I giv +it up. & I wood here take occashun to advise peple when thay +run agin, as thay sumtimes will, these miserable papers, to not +pay no attenshun to um. Abuv all, don't assault a editer of +this kind. It only gives him a notorosity, which is jest what +he wants, & don't do you no more good than it wood to jump into +enny other mud puddle. Editers are generally fine men, but +there must be black sheep in every flock. + + +1.20. EDWIN FOREST AS OTHELLO. + +Durin a recent visit to New York the undersined went to see +Edwin Forrest. As I'm into the moral show bizness myself, I +ginrally go to Barnum's moral Museum, where only moral peple +air admitted, pertickly on Wednesday arternoons. But this time +I thot I'd go & see Ed. Ed has bin actin out on the stage for +many years. There is varis 'pinions about his actin, +Englishmen ginrally bleevin that he is far superior to Mister +Macready; but on one pint all agree, & that is that Ed draws +like a six ox team. Ed was actin at Niblo's Garding, which +looks considerable more like a parster, than a garding, but let +that pars. I sot down in the pit, took out my spectacles & +commenced peroosin the evenin's bill. The awjince was all-fired +large & the boxes was full of the elitty of New York. Several +opery glasses was leveld at me by Gothum's farest darters, but +I didn't let on as tho I noticed it, tho mebby I did take out +my sixteen-dollar silver watch & brandish it round more than was +necessary. But the best of us has our weaknesses & if a man has +gewelry let him show it. As I was peroosin the bill a grave +young man who sot near me axed me if I'd ever seen Forrest dance +the Essence of Old Virginny? "He's immense in that," sed the +young man. "He also does a fair champion jig," the young man +continnerd, "but his Big Thing is the Essence of Old Virginny." +Sez I, "Fair youth, do you know what I'd do with you if you was +my sun?" + +"No," sez he. + +"Wall," sez I, "I'd appint your funeral tomorrow arternoon, & +the KORPS SHOULD BE READY! You're too smart to live on this +yearth." He didn't try any more of his capers on me. But +another pussylanermus individooul, in a red vest & patent +lether boots, told me his name was Bill Astor & axed me to lend +him 50 cents till early in the mornin. I told him I'd probly +send it round to him before he retired to his virtoous couch, +but if I didn't he might look for it next fall, as soon as I +cut my corn. The Orchestry was now fiddling with all their +might, & as the peple didn't understan anything about it they +applaudid versifrussly. Presently, Old Ed cum out. The play +was Otheller or More of Veniss. Otheller was writ by Wm. +Shakspeer. The scene is laid in Veniss. Otheller was a likely +man & was a ginral in the Veniss army. He eloped with Desdemony, +a darter of the Hon. Mister Brabantio, who represented one of +the back districks in the Veneshun legislater. Old Brabantio +was as mad as thunder at this & tore round considerable, but +finally cooled down, tellin Otheller, howsever, that Desdemony +had come it over her Par, & that he had better look out or +she'd come it over him likewise. Mr. & Mrs. Otheller git along +very comfortable like for a spell. She is sweet-tempered and +luvin--a nice, sensible female, never goin in for he-female +conventions, green cotton umbrellers, and pickled beats. +Otheller is a good provider and thinks all the world of his +wife. She has a lazy time of it, the hired girl doin all the +cookin and washin. Desdemony, in fact, don't have to git the +water to wash her own hands with. But a low cuss named Iago, +who I bleeve wants to git Otheller out of his snug government +birth, now goes to work & upsets the Otheller family in the +most outrajus stile. Iago falls in with a brainless youth +named Roderigo & wins all his money at poker. (Iago allers +played foul.) He thus got money enuff to carry out his +onprincipled skeem. Mike Cassio, a Irishman, is selected as a +tool by Iago. Mike was a clever feller & orficer in Otheller's +army. He liked his tods too well, howsever, & they floored +him, as they have many other promisin young men. Iago injuces +Mike to drink with him, Iago slyly throwin his whiskey over his +shoulder. Mike gits as drunk as a biled owl & allows that he +can lick a yard full of the Veneshun fancy before breakfast, +without sweatin a hair. He meets Roderigo & proceeds for to +smash him. A feller named Montano undertakes to slap Cassio, +when that infatooated person runs his sword into him. That +miserble man, Iago, pretents to be very sorry to see Mike +conduck hisself in this way & undertakes to smooth the thing +over to Otheller, who rushes in with a drawn sword & wants to +know what's up. Iago cunningly tells his story, & Otheller +tells Mike that he thinks a good deal of him, but he can't +train no more in his regiment. Desdemony sympathizes with poor +Mike & interceeds for him with Otheller. Iago makes him bleeve +she does this because she thinks more of Mike than she does of +hisself. Otheller swallers Iago's lyin tail & goes to makin a +noosence of hisself ginrally. He worries poor Desdemony +terrible by his vile insinuations, & finally smothers her to +deth with a piller. Mrs. Iago cums in just as Otheller has +finished the fowl deed & givs him fits right & left, showin him +that he has bin orfully gulled by her miserble cuss of a +husband. Iago cums in, & his wife commences rakin him down +also, when he stabs her. Otheller jaws him a spell & then cuts +a small hole in his stummick with his sword. Iago pints to +Desdemony's deth bed & goes orf with a sardonic smile onto his +countenance. Otheller tells the peple that he has dun the +state sum service & they know it; axes them to do as fair a +thing as they can for him under the circumstances, & kills +hisself with a fish-knife, which is the most sensible thing he +can do. This is a breef skedule of the synopsis of the play. + +Edwin Forrest is a grate acter. I thot I saw Otheller before +me all the time he was actin, & when the curtin fell, I found +my spectacles was still mistened with salt-water, which had run +from my eyes while poor Desdemony was dyin. Betsy Jane--Betsy +Jane! let us pray that our domestic bliss may never be busted +up by a Iago! + +Edwin Forrest makes money actin out on the stage. He gits +five-hundred dollars a nite & his board & washin. I wish I had +such a Forrest in my Garding! + + +1.21. THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES. + +I feel that the Show Bizniss, which Ive stroven to ornyment, is +bein usurpt by Poplar Lecturs, as thay air kalled, tho in my +pinion thay air poplar humbugs. Individoouls, who git hard up, +embark in the lecturin biznis. They cram theirselves with +hi-sounding frazis, frizzle up their hare, git trustid for a soot +of black close & cum out to lectur at 50 dollers a pop. Thay +aint over stockt with branes, but thay hav brass enuff to make +suffishunt kittles to bile all the sope that will be required +by the ensooin sixteen ginerashuns. Peple flock to heer um in +krowds. The men go becawz its poplar & the wimin folks go to +see what other wimin folks have on. When its over the lecturer +goze & ragales hisself with oysters and sich, while the peple +say, "What a charmin lectur that air was," etsettery, +etsettery, when 9 out of 10 of um don't have no moore idee of +what the lecturer sed than my kangeroo has of the sevunth speer +of hevun. Thare's moore infurmashun to be gut out of a well +conductid noospaper--price 3 sents--than thare is out of ten +poplar lectures at 25 or 50 dollers a pop, as the kase may be. +These same peple, bare in mind, stick up their nosis at moral +wax figgers & sagashus beests. Thay say these things is low. +Gents, it greeves my hart in my old age, when I'm in "the Sheer +& yeller leef" (to cote frum my Irish frend Mister McBeth) to +see that the Show biznis is pritty much plade out; howsomever I +shall chance it agane in the Spring. + + +1.22. WOMAN'S RIGHTS. + +I pitcht my tent in a small town in Injianny one day last +seeson, & while I was standin at the dore takin money, a +deppytashun of ladies came up & sed they wos members of the +Bunkumville Female Moral Reformin & Wimin's Rite's Associashun, +and thay axed me if they cood go in without payin. + +"Not exactly," sez I, "but you can pay without goin in." + +"Dew you know who we air?" sed one of the wimin--a tall and +feroshus lookin critter, with a blew kotton umbreller under her +arm--"do you know who we air, Sir?" + +"My impreshun is," sed I, "from a kersery view, that you air +females." + +"We air, Sur," sed the feroshus woman--"we belong to a Society +whitch beleeves wimin has rites--whitch beleeves in razin her +to her proper speer--whitch beleeves she is indowed with as +much intelleck as man is--whitch beleeves she is trampled on +and aboozed--& who will resist henso4th & forever the +incroachments of proud & domineering men." + +Durin her discourse, the exsentric female grabed me by the +coat-kollor & was swinging her umbreller wildly over my hed. + +"I hope, marm," sez I, starting back, "that your intensions is +honorable! I'm a lone man hear in a strange place. Besides, +I've a wife to hum." + +"Yes," cried the female, "& she's a slave! Doth she never +dream of freedom--doth she never think of throwin off the yoke +of tyrrinny & thinkin & votin for herself?--Doth she never +think of these here things?" + +"Not bein a natral born fool," sed I, by this time a little +riled, "I kin safely say that she dothunt." + +"Oh whot--whot!" screamed the female, swingin her umbreller in +the air.--"O, what is the price that woman pays for her +expeeriunce!" + +"I don't know," sez I; "the price of my show is 15 cents pur +individooal." + +"& can't our Soisety go in free?" asked the female. + +"Not if I know it," sed I. + +"Crooil, crooil man!" she cried, & bust into teers. + +"Won't you let my darter in?" sed anuther of the exsentric +wimin, taken me afeckshunitely by the hand. "O, please let my +darter in,--shee's a sweet gushin child of natur." + +"Let her gush!" roared I, as mad as I cood stick at their +tarnal nonsense; "let her gush!" Where upon they all sprung +back with the simultanious observashun that I was a Beest. + +"My female friends," sed I, "be4 you leeve, I've a few remarks +to remark; wa them well. The female woman is one of the +greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste. Its +onpossible to get along without her. Had there bin no female +wimin in the world, I should scarcely be here with my +unparalleld show on this very occashun. She is good in +sickness--good in wellness--good all the time. O woman, +woman!" I cried, my feelins worked up to a hi poetick pitch, +"you air a angle when you behave yourself; but when you take +off your proper appairel & (mettyforically speaken)--get into +pantyloons--when you desert your firesides, & with your heds +full of wimin's rites noshuns go round like roarin lions, +seekin whom you may devour someboddy--in short, when you +undertake to play the man, you play the devil and air an +emfatic noosance. My female friends," I continnered, as they +were indignantly departin, "wa well what A. Ward has sed!" + + +1.23. WOULD-BE SEA DOGS. + +Sum of the captings on the Upper Ohio River put on a heep of +airs. To hear 'em git orf saler lingo you'd spose they'd bin +on the briny Deep for a lifetime, when the fact is they haint +tasted salt water since they was infants, when they had to take +it for WORMS. Still they air good natered fellers, and when +they drink they take a dose big enuff for a grown person. + + +1.24. THE PRINCE OF WALES. + +To my friends of the Editorial Corpse: + +I rite these lines on British sile. I've bin follerin Mrs. +Victory's hopeful sun Albert Edward threw Kanady with my +onparaleled Show, and tho I haint made much in a pecoonary pint +of vew, I've lernt sumthin new, over hear on British Sile, +whare they bleeve in Saint George and the Dragoon. Previs to +cumin over hear I tawt my organist how to grind Rule Brittany +and other airs which is poplar on British Sile. I likewise +fixt a wax figger up to represent Sir Edmun Hed the Govner +Ginral. The statoot I fixt up is the most versytile wax +statoot I ever saw. I've showd it as Wm. Penn, Napoleon +Bonypart, Juke of Wellington, the Beneker Boy, Mrs. Cunningham +& varis other notid persons, and also for a sertin pirut named +Hix. I've bin so long amung wax statoots that I can fix 'em up +to soot the tastes of folks, & with sum paints I hav I kin giv +their facis a beneverlent or fiendish look as the kase +requires. I giv Sir Edmun Hed a beneverlent look, & when sum +folks who thawt they was smart sed it didn't look like Sir +Edmun Hed anymore than it did anybody else, I sed, "That's the +pint. That's the beauty of the Statoot. It looks like Sir +Edmun Hed or any other man. You may kall it what you pleese. +Ef it don't look like anybody that ever lived, then it's +sertinly a remarkable Statoot & well worth seein. _I_ kall it +Sir Edmun Hed. YOU may kall it what you pleese!" [I had 'em +thare.] + +At larst I've had a interview with the Prince, tho it putty +nigh cost me my vallerble life. I cawt a glimpse of him as he +sot on the Pizarro of the hotel in Sarnia, & elbowd myself +threw a crowd of wimin, children, sojers & Injins that was +hangin round the tavern. I was drawin near to the Prince when +a red-faced man in Millingtery close grabd holt of me and axed +me whare I was goin all so bold? + +"To see Albert Edard the Prince of Wales," sez I; "who are +you?" + +He sed he was Kurnel of the Seventy Fust Regiment, Her +Magisty's troops. I told him I hoped the Seventy Onesters was +in good helth, and was passin by when he ceased hold of me +agin, and sed in a tone of indigent cirprise: + +"What? Impossible! It kannot be! Blarst my hize, sir, did I +understan you to say that you was actooally goin into the +presents of his Royal Iniss?" + +"That's what's the matter with me," I replide. + +"But blarst my hize, sir, its onprecedented. It's orful, sir. +Nothin' like it hain't happened sins the Gun Powder Plot of Guy +Forks. Owdashus man, who air you?" + +"Sir," sez I, drawin myself up & puttin on a defiant air, "I'm +a Amerycan sitterzen. My name is Ward. I'm a husband & the +father of twins, which I'm happy to state thay look like me. +By perfeshun I'm a exhibiter of wax works & sich." + +"Good God!" yelled the Kurnal, "the idee of a exhibiter of wax +figgers goin into the presents of Royalty! The British Lion +may well roar with raje at the thawt!" + +Sez I, "Speakin of the British Lion, Kurnal, I'd like to make a +bargin with you fur that beast fur a few weeks to add to my +Show." I didn't meen nothin by this. I was only gettin orf a +goak, but you roter hev seen the Old Kurnal jump up & howl. He +actooally fomed at the mowth. + +"This can't be real," he showtid. "No, no. It's a horrid +dream. Sir, you air not a human bein--you hav no existents-- +yure a Myth!" + +"Wall," sez I, "old hoss, yule find me a ruther onkomfortable +Myth ef you punch my inards in that way agin." I began to git +a little riled, fur when he called me a Myth he puncht me putty +hard. The Kurnal now commenst showtin fur the Seventy Onesters. +I at fust thawt I'd stay & becum a Marter to British Outraje, +as sich a course mite git my name up & be a good advertisement +fur my Show, but it occurred to me that ef enny of the Seventy +Onesters shood happen to insert a barronet into my stummick it +mite be onplesunt, & I was on the pint of runnin orf when the +Prince hisself kum up & axed me what the matter was. Sez I, +"Albert Edard, is that you?" & he smilt & sed it was. Sez I, +"Albert Edard, hears my keerd. I cum to pay my respecks to +the futer King of Ingland. The Kurnal of the Seventy Onesters +hear is ruther smawl pertaters, but of course you ain't to blame +fur that. He puts on as many airs as tho he was the Bully Boy +with the glass eye." + +"Never mind," sez Albert Edard, "I'm glad to see you, Mister +Ward, at all events," & he tuk my hand so plesunt like & larfed +so sweet that I fell in love with him to onct. He handid me a +segar & we sot down on the Pizarro & commenst smokin rite +cheerful. "Wall," sez I, "Albert Edard, how's the old folks?" + +"Her Majesty & the Prince are well," he sed. + +"Duz the old man take his Lager beer reglar?" I inquired. + +The Prince larfed & intermatid that the old man didn't let many +kegs of that bevridge spile in the sellar in the coarse of a +year. We sot & tawked there sum time abowt matters & things, & +bimeby I axed him how he liked bein Prince as fur as he'd got. + +"To speak plain, Mister Ward," he sed, "I don't much like it. +I'm sick of all this bowin & scrapin & crawlin & hurrain over a +boy like me. I would rather go through the country quietly & +enjoy myself in my own way, with the other boys, & not be made +a Show of to be garped at by everybody. When the PEPLE cheer me +I feel pleesed, fur I know they meen it; but if these one-horse +offishuls cood know how I see threw all their moves & understan +exackly what they air after, & knowd how I larft at 'em in +private, thayd stop kissin my hands & fawnin over me as thay now +do. But you know, Mr. Ward, I can't help bein a Prince, & I +must do all I kin to fit myself fur the persishun I must sumtime +ockepy." + +"That's troo," sez I; "sickness and the docters will carry the +Queen orf one of these dase, sure's yer born." + +The time hevin arove fur me to take my departer I rose up & +sed: "Albert Edard, I must go, but previs to doin so I will +obsarve that you soot me. Yure a good feller, Albert Edard, & +tho I'm agin Princes as a gineral thing, I must say I like the +cut of your Gib. When you git to be King try and be as good a +man as yure muther has bin! Be just & be Jenerus, espeshully +to showmen, who hav allers bin aboozed sins the dase of Noah, +who was the fust man to go into the Menagery bizniss, & ef the +daily papers of his time air to be beleeved Noah's colleckshun +of livin wild beests beet ennything ever seen sins, tho I make +bold to dowt ef his snaiks was ahead of mine. Albert Edard, +adoo!" I tuk his hand which he shook warmly, & givin him a +perpetooal free pars to my show, & also parses to take hum for +the Queen & old Albert, I put on my hat and walkt away. + +"Mrs. Ward," I solilerquized, as I walkt along, "Mrs. Ward, ef +you could see your husband now, just as he prowdly emerjis from +the presunts of the futur King of Ingland, you'd be sorry you +called him a Beest jest becaws he cum home tired 1 nite and +wantid to go to bed without takin orf his boots. You'd be +sorry for tryin to deprive yure husband of the priceliss Boon +of liberty, Betsy Jane!" + +Jest then I met a long perseshun of men with gownds onto 'em. +The leader was on horseback, & ridin up to me he sed, "Air you +Orange?" + +Sez I, "Which?" + +"Air you a Orangeman?" he repeated, sternly. + +"I used to peddle lemins," sed I, "but I never delt in oranges. +They are apt to spile on yure hands. What particler Loonatic +Asylum hev you & yure frends escaped frum, ef I may be so +bold?" Just then a suddent thawt struck me & I sed, "Oh yure +the fellers who air worryin the Prince so & givin the Juke of +Noocastle cold sweats at nite, by yure infernal catawalins, air +you? Wall, take the advice of a Amerykin sitterzen, take orf +them gownds & don't try to get up a religious fite, which is 40 +times wuss nor a prize fite, over Albert Edard, who wants to +receive you all on a ekal footin, not keerin a tinker's cuss +what meetin house you sleep in Sundays. Go home & mind yure +bisness & not make noosenses of yourselves." With which +observashuns I left 'em. + +I shall leeve British sile 4thwith. + + +1.25. PICCOLOMINI. + +Gents,--I arroved in Cleveland on Saturday P.M. from +Baldinsville jest in time to fix myself up and put on a clean +biled rag to attend Miss Picklehomony's grate musical sorry at +the Melodeon. The krowds which pored into the hall augured +well for the show bizniss, & with cheerful sperrets I jined the +enthoosiastic throng. I asked Mr. Strakhosh at the door if he +parst the perfession, and he sed not much he didn't, whereupon +I bawt a preserved seat in the pit, & obsarving to Mr. +Strakhosh that he needn't put on so many French airs becawz he +run with a big show, and that he'd better let his weskut out a +few inches or perhaps he'd bust hisself some fine day, I went +in and squatted down. It was a sad thawt to think that in all +that vast aujience Scacely a Sole had the honor of my +acquaintance. "& this ere," sed I Bitturly, "is Fame! What +sigerfy my wax figgers and livin wild beasts (which have no +ekels) to these peple? What do thay care becawz a site of my +Kangeroo is worth dubble the price of admission, and that my +Snaiks is as harmlis as the new born babe--all of which is +strictly troo?" I should have gone on ralein at Fortin and +things sum more, but jest then Signer Maccarony cum out and +sung a hairey from some opry or other. He had on his store +close & looked putty slick, I must say. Nobody didn't +understand nothin abowt what he sed, and so they applawdid him +versiferusly. Then Signer Brignoly cum out and sung another +hairey. He appeared to be in a Pensiv Mood & sung a Luv song I +suppose, tho he may have been cussin the aujince all into a +heep for aut I knewd. Then cum Mr. Maccarony agin and Miss +Picklehomony herself. Thay sang a Doit together. + +Now you know, gents, that I don't admire opry music. But I +like Miss Picklehomony's stile. I like her gate. She suits +me. There has bin grater singers and there has bin more +bootiful wimin, but no more fassinatin young female ever longed +for a new gown, or side to place her hed agin a vest pattern +than Maria Picklehomony. Fassinatin peple is her best holt. +She was born to make hash of men's buzzums & other wimin mad +becawz thay ain't Picklehomonies. Her face sparkles with +amuzin cussedness & about 200 (two hundred) little bit of funny +devils air continually dancing champion jigs in her eyes, sed +eyes bein brite enuff to lite a pipe by. How I shood like to +have little Maria out on my farm in Baldinsville, Injianny, whare +she cood run in the tall grass, wrastle with the boys, cut up +strong at parin bees, make up faces behind the minister's back, +tie auction bills to the skoolmaster's coat-tales, set all the +fellers crazy after her, & holler & kick up, & go it just as +much as she wanted to! But I diegress. Every time she cum +canterin out I grew more and more delighted with her. When she +bowed her hed I bowed mine. When she powtid her lips I powtid +mine. When she larfed I larfed. When she jerked her hed back +and took a larfin survey of the aujience, sendin a broadside of +sassy smiles in among em, I tried to unjint myself & kollapse. +When, in tellin how she drempt she lived in Marble Halls, she +sed it tickled her more than all the rest to dream she loved +her feller still the same, I made a effort to swaller myself; +but when, in the next song, she look strate at me & called me +her Dear, I wildly told the man next to me he mite hav my close, +as I shood never want 'em again no more in this world. [The +"Plain Dealer" (The Cleveland "Plain Dealer," a well-known +Ohio newspaper, to which Mr. Artemus Ward wishes us to +understand he contributed.) containin this communicashun is +not to be sent to my famerly in Baldinsville under no +circumstances whatsomever.] + +In conclushun, Maria, I want you to do well. I know you air a +nice gal at hart & you must get a good husband. He must be a man +of branes and gumpshun & a good provider--a man who will luv you +strong and long--a man who will luv you jest as much in your old +age, when your voice is cracked like an old tea kittle & you can't +get 1 of your notes discounted at 50 per sent a month, as he will +now, when you are young & charmin & full of music, sunshine & fun. +Don't marry a snob, Maria. You ain't a Angel, Maria, & I am glad +of it. When I see angels in pettycoats I'm always sorry they +hain't got wings so they kin quietly fly off whare thay will be +appreshiated. You air a woman, & a mity good one too. As for +Maccarony, Brignoly, Mullenholler, and them other fellers, they can +take care of theirselves. Old Mac. kin make a comfortable livin +choppin cord wood if his voice ever givs out, and Amodio looks as +tho he mite succeed in conductin sum quiet toll gate, whare the +vittles would be plenty & the labor lite. + +I am preparin for the Summer Campane. I shall stay in Cleveland a +few days and probly you will hear from me again ear I leave to once +more becum a tosser on life's tempestuous billers, meanin the Show +Bizniss.--Very Respectively Yours, + +Artemus Ward. + + +1.26. LITTLE PATTI. + +The moosic which Ime most use to is the inspirin stranes of the +hand orgin. I hire a artistic Italyun to grind fur me, payin him +his vittles & close, & I spose it was them stranes which fust put a +moosical taste into me. Like all furriners, he had seen better +dase, havin formerly been a Kount. But he aint of much akount now, +except to turn the orgin and drink Beer, of which bevrige he can +hold a churnful, EASY. + +Miss Patty is small for her size, but as the man sed abowt his +wife, O Lord! She is well bilt & her complexion is what might be +called a Broonetty. Her ize is a dark bay, the lashes bein long & +silky. When she smiles the awjince feels like axing her to doo it +sum moor, & to continner doin it 2 a indefnit extent. Her waste is +one of the most bootiful wastisis ever seen. When Mister +Strackhorse led her out I thawt sum pretty skool gal, who had jest +graduatid frum pantalets & wire hoops, was a cumin out to read her +fust composishun in public. She cum so bashful like, with her hed +bowd down, & made sich a effort to arrange her lips so thayd look +pretty, that I wanted to swaller her. She reminded me of Susan +Skinner, who'd never kiss the boys at parin bees till the candles +was blow'd out. Miss Patty sung suthin or ruther in a furrin tung. +I don't know what the sentimunts was. Fur awt I know she may hav +bin denouncin my wax figgers & sagashus wild beests of Pray, & I +don't much keer ef she did. When she opened her mowth a army of +martingales, bobolinks, kanarys, swallers, mockin birds, etsettery, +bust 4th& flew all over the Haul. + +Go it, little 1, sez I to myself, in a hily exsited frame of mind, +& ef that kount or royal duke which you'll be pretty apt to marry 1 +of these dase don't do the fair thing by ye, yu kin always hav a +home on A. Ward's farm, near Baldinsville, Injianny. When she sung +Cumin threw the Rye, and spoke of that Swayne she deerly luvd +herself individooully, I didn't wish I was that air Swayne. No I +gess not. Oh certainly not. [This is Ironical. I don't meen +this. It's a way I hav of goakin.] Now that Maria Picklehominy +has got married & left the perfeshun, Adeliny Patty is the +championess of the opery ring. She karries the Belt. Thar's no +draw fite about it. Other primy donnys may as well throw up the +spunge first as last. My eyes don't deceive my earsite in this +matter. + +But Miss Patty orter sing in the Inglish tung. As she kin do so as +well as she kin in Italyun, why under the Son don't she do it? +What cents is thare in singin wurds nobody don't understan when +wurds we do understan is jest as handy? Why peple will +versifferusly applawd furrin langwidge is a mistery. It reminds me +of a man I onct knew. He sed he knockt the bottum out of his pork +Barril, & the pork fell out, but the Brine dident moove a inch. It +stade in the Barril. He sed this was a Mistery, but it wasn't +misterior than is this thing I'm speekin of. + +As fur Brignoly, Ferri and Junky, they air dowtless grate, but I +think sich able boddied men wood look better tillin the sile than +dressin theirselves up in black close & white kid gluvs & shoutin +in a furrin tung. Mister Junky is a noble lookin old man, & orter +lead armies on to Battel instid of shoutin in a furrin tung. + +Adoo. In the langwidge of Lewis Napoleon when receivin kumpany at +his pallis on the Bullyvards, "I saloot yu." + + +1.27. OSSAWATOMIE BROWN. + +I don't pertend to be a cricket & consekently the reader will not +regard this 'ere peace as a Cricketcism. I cimply desine givin the +pints & Plot of a play I saw actid out at the theatre t'other nite, +called Ossywattermy Brown or the Hero of Harper's Ferry. +Ossywattermy had varis failins, one of which was a idee that he +cood conker Virginny with a few duzzen loonatics which he had pickt +up sumwhares, mercy only nose wher. He didn't cum it, as the sekel +showed. This play was jerkt by a admirer of Old Ossywattermy. + +First akt opens at North Elby, Old Brown's humsted. Thare's a +weddin at the house. Amely, Old Brown's darter, marrys sumbody, +and thay all whirl in the Messy darnce. Then Ossywattermy and his +3 sons leave fur Kansis. Old Mrs. Ossywattermy tells 'em thay air +goin on a long jurny & Blesses 'em to slow fiddlin. Thay go to +Kansis. What upon arth thay go to Kansis fur when thay was so nice +& comfortable down there to North Elby, is more'n I know. The suns +air next seen in Kansis at a tarvern. Mister Blane, a sinister +lookin man with his Belt full of knives & hoss pistils, axes one of +the Browns to take a drink. Brown refuzis, which is the fust +instance on record whar a Brown deklined sich a invite. Mister +Blane, who is a dark bearded feroshus lookin person, then axis him +whether he's fur or fernenst Slavery. Yung Brown sez he's agin it, +whareupon, Mister Blane, who is the most sinisterest lookin man I +ever saw, sez Har, har, har! (that bein his stile of larfin wildly) +& ups and sticks a knife into yung Brown. Anuther Brown rushes up +& sez, "you has killed me Ber-ruther!" Moosic by the Band & Seen +changes. The stuck yung Brown enters supported by his two +brothers. Bimeby he falls down, sez he sees his Mother, & dies. +Moosic by the Band. I lookt but couldn't see any mother. Next Seen +reveels Old Brown's cabin. He's readin a book. He sez freedum must +extend its Area & rubs his hands like he was pleesed abowt it. His +suns come in. One of 'em goes out & cums in ded, havin bin shot +while out by a Border Ruffin. The ded yung Brown sez he sees his +mother and tumbles down. The Border Ruffins then surround the +cabin & set it a fire. The Browns giv theirselves up for gone +coons, when the hired gal diskivers a trap door to the cabin & thay +go down threw it & cum up threw the bulkhed. Their merraklis +'scape reminds me of the 'scape of De Jones, the Coarsehair of the +Gulf--a tail with a yaller kiver, that I onct red. For sixteen +years he was confined in a loathsum dunjin, not tastin food durin +all that time. When a lucky thawt struck him! He opend the winder +and got out. To resoom--Old Brown rushes down to the footlites, +gits down on his nees & swares he'll hav revenge. The battle of +Ossawatermy takes place. Old Brown kills Mister Blane, the +sinister individooal aforesed. Mister Blane makes a able & +elerquent speech, sez he don't see his mother MUCH, and dies like +the son of a gentleman, rapt up in the Star Spangled banner. +Moosic by the Band. Four or five other Border ruffins air killed, +but thay don't say nothin abowt seein their mothers. From Kansis +to Harper's Ferry. Picter of a Arsenal is represented. Sojers cum +& fire at it. Old Brown cums out & permits hisself to be shot. He +is tride by two soops in milingtery close and sentenced to be hung +on the gallus. Tabloo--Old Brown on a platform, pintin upards, the +staige lited up with red fire. Goddis of Liberty also on platform, +pintin upards. A dutchman in the orkestry warbles on a base drum. +Curtin falls. Moosic by the Band. + + +1.28. JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. + +Dear Sirs: + +I take my pen in hand to inform you that I am in a state of great +bliss, and trust these lines will find you injoyin the same +blessins. I'm reguvinated. I've found the immortal waters of +yooth, so to speak, and am as limber and frisky as a two-year-old +steer, and in the futur them boys which sez to me "go up, old Bawld +hed," will do so at the peril of their hazard, individooally. I'm +very happy. My house is full of joy, and I have to git up nights +and larf! Sumtimes I ax myself "is it not a dream?" & suthin +withinto me sez "it air;" but when I look at them sweet little +critters and hear 'em squawk, I know it is a reality--2 realitys, I +may say--and I feel gay. + +I returnd from the Summer Campane with my unparaleld show of wax +works and livin wild Beests of Pray in the early part of this +munth. The peple of Baldinsville met me cordully and I immejitly +commenst restin myself with my famerly. The other nite while I was +down to the tavurn tostin my shins agin the bar room fire & amuzin +the krowd with sum of my adventurs, who shood cum in bare heded & +terrible excited but Bill Stokes, who sez, sez he, "Old Ward, +there's grate doins up to your house." + +Sez I "William, how so?" + +Sez he, "Bust my gizzud but it's grate doins," & then he larfed as +if he'd kill hisself. + +Sez I, risin and puttin on a austeer look, "William, I woodunt be a +fool if I had common cents." + +But he kept on larfin till he was black in the face, when he fell +over on to the bunk where the hostler sleeps, and in a still small +voice sed, "Twins!" I ashure you gents that the grass didn't grow +under my feet on my way home, & I was follered by a enthoosiastic +throng of my feller sitterzens, who hurrard for Old Ward at the top +of their voises. I found the house chock full of peple. Thare was +Mis Square Baxter and her three grown-up darters, lawyer Perkinses +wife, Taberthy Ripley, young Eben Parsuns, Deakun Simmuns folks, +the Skoolmaster, Doctor Jordin, etsetterry, etsetterry. Mis Ward +was in the west room, which jines the kitchen. Mis Square Baxter +was mixin suthin in a dipper before the kitchin fire, & a small +army of female wimin were rushin wildly round the house with +bottles of camfire, peaces of flannil, &c. I never seed such a +hubbub in my natral born dase. I cood not stay in the west room +only a minit, so strung up was my feelins, so I rusht out and +ceased my dubbel barrild gun. + +"What upon airth ales the man?" sez Taberthy Ripley. "Sakes alive, +what air you doin?" & she grabd me by the coat tales. "What's the +matter with you?" she continnerd. + +"Twins, marm," sez I, "twins!" + +"I know it," sez she, coverin her pretty face with her apun. + +"Wall," sez I, "that's what's the matter with me!" + +"Wall, put down that air gun, you pesky old fool," sed she. + +"No, marm," sez I, "this is a Nashunal day. The glory of this here +day isn't confined to Baldinsville by a darn site. On yonder +woodshed," sed I, drawin myself up to my full hite and speakin in a +show-actin voice, "will I fire a Nashunal saloot!" sayin whitch I +tared myself from her grasp and rusht to the top of the shed whare +I blazed away until Square Baxter's hired man and my son Artemus +Juneyer cum and took me down by mane force. + +On returnin to the Kitchin I found quite a lot of peple seated be4 +the fire, a talkin the event over. They made room for me & I sot +down. "Quite a eppisode," sed Docter Jordin, litin his pipe with a +red-hot coal. + +"Yes," sed I, "2 eppisodes, waying abowt 18 pounds jintly." + +"A perfeck coop de tat," sed the skoolmaster. + +"E pluribus unum, in proprietor persony," sed I, thinking I'd let +him know I understood furrin langwidges as well as he did, if I +wasn't a skoolmaster. + +"It is indeed a momentious event," sed young Eben Parsuns, who has +been 2 quarters to the Akademy. + +"I never heard twins called by that name afore," sed I, "But I +spose it's all rite." + +"We shall soon have Wards enuff," sed the editer of the +Baldinsville "Bugle of Liberty," who was lookin over a bundle of +exchange papers in the corner, "to apply to the legislater for a +City Charter!" + +"Good for you, old man!" sed I; "giv that air a conspickius place +in the next "Bugle." + +"How redicklus," sed pretty Susan Fletcher, coverin her face with +her knittin work & larfin like all possest. + +"Wall, for my part," sed Jane Maria Peasly, who is the crossest old +made in the world, "I think you all act like a pack of fools." + +Sez I, "Miss Peasly, air you a parent?" + +Sez she, "No, I ain't." + +Sez I, "Miss Peasly, you never will be." + +She left. + +We sot there talkin & larfin until "the switchin hour of nite, when +grave yards yawn & Josts troop 4th," as old Bill Shakespire aptlee +obsarves in his dramy of John Sheppard, esq, or the Moral House +Breaker, when we broke up & disbursed. + +Muther & children is a doin well & as Resolushuns is the order of +the day I will feel obleeged if you'll insurt the follerin-- + +Whereas, two Eppisodes has happined up to the undersined's house, +which is Twins; & Whereas I like this stile, sade twins bein of the +male perswashun & both boys; there4 Be it-- + +RESOLVED, That to them nabers who did the fare thing by sade +Eppisodes my hart felt thanks is doo. + +RESOLVED, That I do most hartily thank Engine Ko. No. 17, who, +under the impreshun from the fuss at my house on that auspishus +nite that thare was a konflagration goin on, kum galyiantly to the +spot, but kindly refraned from squirtin. + +RESOLVED, That frum the Bottum of my Sole do I thank the +Baldinsville brass band fur givin up the idea of Sarahnadin me, +both on that great nite & sinse. + +RESOLVED, That my thanks is doo several members of the Baldinsville +meetin house who for 3 whole dase hain't kalled me a sinful skoffer +or intreeted me to mend my wicked wase and jine sade meetin house +to onct. + +RESOLVED, That my Boozum teams with meny kind emoshuns towards the +follerin individoouls, to whit namelee--Mis. Square Baxter, who +Jenerusly refoozed to take a sent for a bottle of camfire; lawyer +Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on the Eppisodes; the Editer of +the Baldinsville "Bugle of Liberty," who nobly assisted me in +wollupin my Kangeroo, which sagashus little cuss seriusly disturbed +the Eppisodes by his outrajus screetchins & kickins up; Mis. Hirum +Doolittle, who kindly furnisht sum cold vittles at a tryin time, +when it wasunt konvenient to cook vittles at my hous; & the +Peasleys, Parsunses & Watsunses fur there meny ax of kindness. + + Trooly yures, + Artemus Ward. + + +1.29. BOSTON. (A. WARD TO HIS WIFE.) + +Dear Betsy: I write you this from Boston, "the Modern Atkins," as +it is denomyunated, altho' I skurcely know what those air. I'll +giv you a kursoory view of this city. I'll klassify the paragrafs +under seprit headins, arter the stile of those Emblems of Trooth +and Poority, the Washinton correspongdents! + +COPP'S HILL. + +The winder of my room commands a exileratin view of Copps' Hill, +where Cotton Mather, the father of the Reformers and sich, lies +berrid. There is men even now who worship Cotton, and there is +wimin who wear him next their harts. But I do not weep for him. +He's bin ded too lengthy. I ain't going to be absurd, like old Mr. +Skillins, in our naberhood, who is ninety-six years of age, and +gets drunk every 'lection day, and weeps Bitturly because he haint +got no Parents. He's a nice Orphan, HE is. + +BUNKER HILL. + +Bunker Hill is over yonder in Charleston. In 1776 a thrillin dramy +was acted out over there, in which the "Warren Combination" played +star parts. + +MR. FANUEL. + +Old Mr. Fanuel is ded, but his Hall is still into full blarst. +This is the Cradle in which the Goddess of Liberty was rocked, my +Dear. The Goddess hasn't bin very well durin' the past few years, +and the num'ris quack doctors she called in didn't help her any; +but the old gal's physicians now are men who understand their +bizness, Major-generally speakin', and I think the day is near when +she'll be able to take her three meals a day, and sleep nights as +comf'bly as in the old time. + +THE COMMON. + +It is here, as ushil; and the low cuss who called it a Wacant Lot, +and wanted to know why they didn't ornament it with sum Bildins', +is a onhappy Outcast in Naponsit. + +THE LEGISLATUR. + +The State House is filled with Statesmen, but sum of 'em wear queer +hats. They buy 'em, I take it, of hatters who carry on hat stores +down-stairs in Dock Square, and whose hats is either ten years +ahead of the prevailin' stile, or ten years behind it--jest as a +intellectooal person sees fit to think about it. I had the +pleasure of talkin' with sevril members of the legislatur. I told +'em the Eye of 1000 ages was onto we American peple of to-day. +They seemed deeply impressed by the remark, and wantid to know if I +had seen the Grate Orgin? + +HARVARD COLLEGE. + +This celebrated institootion of learnin is pleasantly situated in +the Bar-room of Parker's in School street, and has poopils from all +over the country. + +I had a letter yes'd'y, by the way, from our mootual son, Artemus, +Jr., who is at Bowdoin College in Maine. He writes that he's a +Bowdoin Arab. & is it cum to this? Is this Boy as I nurtered with +a Parent's care into his childhood's hour--is he goin' to be a +Grate American humorist? Alars! I fear it is too troo. Why +didn't I bind him out to the Patent Travellin Vegetable Pill Man, +as was struck with his appearance at our last County Fair, & wanted +him to go with him and be a Pillist? Ar, these Boys--they little +know how the old folks worrit about 'em. But my father he never +had no occasion to worrit about me. You know, Betsy, that when I +fust commenced my career as a moral exhibitor with a six-legged cat +and a Bass drum, I was only a simple peasant child--skurce 15 +Summers had flow'd over my yoothful hed. But I had sum mind of my +own. My father understood this. "Go," he sed--"go, my son, and hog +the public!" (he ment, "knock em," but the old man was allus a +little given to slang). He put his withered han' tremblinly onto +my hed, and went sadly into the house. I thought I saw tears +tricklin down his venerable chin, but it might hav been tobacker +jooce. He chaw'd. + +LITERATOOR. + +The "Atlantic Monthly," Betsy, is a reg'lar visitor to our westun +home. I like it because it has got sense. It don't print stories +with piruts and honist young men into 'em, makin' the piruts +splendid fellers and the honist young men dis'gree'ble idiots--so +that our darters very nat'rally prefer the piruts to the honist +young idiots; but it gives us good square American literatoor. The +chaps that write for the "Atlantic," Betsy, understand their +bizness. They can sling ink, they can. I went in and saw 'em. I +told 'em that theirs was a high and holy mission. They seemed +quite gratified, and asked me if I had seen the Grate Orgin. + +WHERE THE FUST BLUD WAS SPILT. + +I went over to Lexington yes'd'y. My Boozum hove with sollum +emotions. "& this," I sed to a man who was drivin' a yoke of oxen, +"this is where our revolutionary forefathers asserted their +independence and spilt their Blud. Classic ground!" + +"Wall," the man sed, "it's good for white beans and potatoes, but +was regards raisin' wheat, t'ain't worth a damn. But hav' you seen +the Grate Orgin?" + +THE POOTY GIRL IN SPECTACLES. + +I returned in the Hoss Cars, part way. A pooty girl in spectacles +sot near me, and was tellin' a young man how much he reminded her +of a man she used to know in Walthan. Pooty soon the young man got +out, and, smilin' in a seductive manner, I said to the girl in +spectacles, "Don't _I_ remind you of somebody you used to know?" + +"Yes," she sed, "you do remind me of one man, but he was sent to +the penitentiary for stealin' a Bar'l of mackril--he died there, so +I conclood you ain't HIM." I didn't pursoo the conversation. I +only heard her silvery voice once more durin' the remainder of the +jerney. Turnin' to a respectable lookin' female of advanced +summers, she asked her if she had seen the Grate Orgin. + +We old chaps, my dear, air apt to forget that it is sum time since +we was infants, and et lite food. Nothin' of further int'rist took +place on the cars excep' a colored gentleman, a total stranger to +me, asked if I'd lend him my diamond Brestpin to wear to a funeral +in South Boston. I told him I wouldn't--not a PURPUSS. + +WILD GAME +Altho' fur from the prahayries, there is abundans of wild game in +Boston, such as quails, snipes, plover, ans Props. (The game of +"props," played with cowrie shells is, I believe, peculiar to the +city of Boston.) + +COMMON SKOOLS. + +A excellent skool sistim is in vogy here. John Slurk, my old +pardner, has a little son who has only bin to skool two months, and +yet he exhibertid his father's performin' Bear in the show all last +summer. I hope they pay partic'lar 'tention to Spelin in these +Skools, because if a man can't Spel wel he's of no 'kount. + +SUMMIN' UP. + +I ment to have allooded to the Grate Orgin in this letter, but I +haven't seen it. Mr. Reveer, whose tavern I stop at, informed me +that it can be distinctly heard through a smoked glass in his nativ +town in New Hampshire, any clear day. But settin' the Grate Orgin +aside (and indeed, I don't think I heard it mentioned all the time +I was there), Boston is one of the grandest, sure-footedest, clear +headedest, comfortablest cities on the globe. Onlike ev'ry other +large city I was ever in, the most of the hackmen don't seem to +hav' bin speshully intended by natur for the Burglery perfession, +and it's about the only large city I know of where you don't enjoy +a brilliant opportunity of bein swindled in sum way, from the Risin +of the sun to the goin down thereof. There4 I say, loud and +continnered applaus' for Boston! + +DOMESTIC MATTERS. + +Kiss the children for me. What you tell me 'bout the Twins greeves +me sorely. When I sent 'em that Toy Enjine I had not +contempyulated that they would so fur forgit what wos doo the +dignity of our house as to squirt dishwater on the Incum Tax +Collector. It is a disloyal act, and shows a prematoor leanin' +tords cussedness that alarms me. I send to Amelia Ann, our oldest +dawter, sum new music, viz. "I am Lonely sints My Mother-in-law +Died"; "Dear Mother, What tho' the Hand that Spanked me in my +Childhood's Hour is withered now?" &c. These song writers, by the +way, air doin' the Mother Bizness rather too muchly. + + Your Own Troo husban', + Artemus Ward. + + +1.30. HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION. + +There are several reports afloat as to how "Honest Old Abe" +received the news of his nomination, none of which are correct. We +give the correct report. + +The Official Committee arrived in Springfield at dewy eve, and went +to Honest Old Abe's house. Honest Old Abe was not in. Mrs. Honest +Old Abe said Honest Old Abe was out in the woods splitting rails. +So the Official Committee went out into the woods, where sure +enough they found Honest Old Abe splitting rails with his two boys. +It was a grand, a magnificent spectacle. There stood Honest Old +Abe in his shirt-sleeves, a pair of leather home-made suspenders +holding up a pair of home-made pantaloons, the seat of which was +neatly patched with substantial cloth of a different color. "Mr +Lincoln, Sir, you've been nominated, Sir, for the highest office, +Sir--." "Oh, don't bother me," said Honest Old Abe; "I took a +STENT this mornin' to split three million rails afore night, and I +don't want to be pestered with no stuff about no Conventions till I +get my stent done. I've only got two hundred thousand rails to +split before sundown. I kin do it if you'll let me alone." And +the great man went right on splitting rails, paying no attention to +the Committee whatever. The Committee were lost in admiration for +a few moments, when they recovered, and asked one of Honest Old +Abe's boys whose boy he was? "I'm my parent's boy," shouted the +urchin, which burst of wit so convulsed the Committee that they +came very near "gin'in eout" completely. In a few moments Honest +Ole Abe finished his task, and received the news with perfect +self-possession. He then asked them up to the house, where he +received them cordially. He said he split three million rails every +day, although he was in very poor health. Mr. Lincoln is a jovial +man, and has a keen sense of the ludicrous. During the evening he +asked Mr. Evarts, of New York, "why Chicago was like a hen crossing +the street?" Mr. Evarts gave it up. "Because," said Mr. Lincoln, +"Old Grimes is dead, that good old man!" This exceedingly humorous +thing created the most uproarious laughter. + + +1.31. INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. + +I hav no politics. Not a one. I'm not in the bisiness. If I was +I spose I should holler versiffrusly in the streets at nite and go +home to Betsy Jane smellen of coal ile and gin, in the mornin. I +should go to the Poles arly. I should stay there all day. I should +see to it that my nabers was thar. I should git carriges to take +the kripples, the infirm and the indignant thar. I should be on +guard agin frauds and sich. I should be on the look out for the +infamus lise of the enemy, got up jest be4 elecshun for perlitical +effeck. When all was over and my candydate was elected, I should +move heving & erth--so to speak--until I got orfice, which if I +didn't git a orfice I should turn round and abooze the +Administration with all my mite and maine. But I'm not in the +bizniss. I'm in a far more respectful bizniss nor what pollertics +is. I wouldn't giv two cents to be a Congresser. The wuss insult +I ever received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to +run fur the Legislater. Sez I, "My frends, dostest think I'd stoop +to that there?" They turned as white as a sheet. I spoke in my +most orfullest tones & they knowed I wasn't to be trifled with. +They slunked out of site to onct. + +There4, havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at his +humstid in Springfield. I found the old feller in his parler, +surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers. Knowin he had +been capting of a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I thought I'd +address him in sailor lingo, so sez I, "Old Abe, ahoy! Let out yer +main-suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw yer jib-poop over-board! +Shiver my timbers, my harty!" [N.B. This is ginuine mariner +langwidge. I know, becawz I've seen sailor plays acted out by them +New York theatre fellers.] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, +"Send in yer petition by & by. I can't possibly look at it now. +Indeed, I can't. It's onpossible, sir!" + +"Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air?" sed I. + +"A orfice-seeker, to be sure," sed he. + +"Wall, sir," sed I, "you's never more mistaken in your life. You +hain't gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances. I'm A. Ward. +Wax figgers is my perfeshun. I'm the father of Twins, and they +look like me--BOTH OF THEM. I cum to pay a friendly visit to the +President eleck of the United States. If so be you wants to see +me, say so,--if not, say so & I'm orf like a jug handle." + +"Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to see you, Sir." + +"Repose in Abraham's Buzzum!" sed one of the orfice seekers, his +idee bein to git orf a goak at my expense. + +"Wall," sez I, "ef all you fellers repose in that there Buzzum +thar'll be mity poor nussin for sum of you!" whereupon Old Abe +buttoned his weskit clear up and blusht like a maidin of sweet +16. Jest at this pint of the conversation another swarm of +orfice-seekers arrove & cum pilin into the parler. Sum wanted +post orfices, sum wanted collectorships, sum wantid furrin +missions, and all wanted sumthin. I thought Old Abe would go +crazy. He hadn't more than had time to shake hands with 'em, +before another tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his premises. His +house and dooryard was now perfeckly overflowed with orfice seekers, +all clameruss for a immejit interview with with Old Abe. One man +from Ohio, who had about seven inches of corn whisky into him, +mistook me for Old Abe and addrest me as "The Pra-hayrie Flower of +the West!" Thinks I YOU want a offiss putty bad. Another man with +a gold-heded cane and a red nose told Old Abe he was "a seckind +Washington & the Pride of the Boundliss West." + +Sez I, "Square, you wouldn't take a small post-offiss if you could +git it, would you?" + +Sez he, "A patrit is abuv them things, sir!" + +"There's a putty big crop of patrits this season, ain't there, +Squire?" sez I, when ANOTHER crowd of offiss seekers pored in. The +house, dooryard, barng & woodshed was now all full, and when +ANOTHER crowd cum I told 'em not to go away for want of room as the +hog-pen was still empty. One patrit from a small town in Michygan +went up on top the house, got into the chimney and slid into the +parler where Old Abe was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of +orfice-seekers from chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy. +The minit he reached the fireplace he jumpt up, brusht the soot out +of his eyes, and yelled: "Don't make eny pintment at the +Spunkville postoffiss till you've read my papers. All the +respectful men in our town is signers to that there dockyment!" + +"Good God!" cried Old Abe, "they cum upon me from the skize--down +the chimneys, and from the bowels of the yerth!" He hadn't more'n +got them words out of his delikit mouth before two fat +offiss-seekers from Winconsin, in endeverin to crawl atween his +legs for the purpuss of applyin for the tollgateship at Milwawky, +upsot the President eleck, & he would hev gone sprawlin into the +fireplace if I hadn't caught him in these arms. But I hadn't more'n +stood him up strate before another man cum crashing down the chimney, +his head strikin me viliently again the inards and prostratin my +voluptoous form onto the floor. "Mr. Linkin," shoutid the +infatooated being, "my papers is signed by every clergyman in our +town, and likewise the skoolmaster!" + +Sez I, "You egrejis ass," gittin up & brushin the dust from my +eyes, "I'll sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if you don't +be a little more keerful how you make my bread basket a depot in +the futur. How do you like that air perfumery?" sez I, shuving my +fist under his nose. "Them's the kind of papers I'll give you! +Them's the papers YOU want!" + +"But I workt hard for the ticket; I toiled night and day! The +patrit should be rewarded!" + +"Virtoo," sed I, holdin' the infatooated man by the coat-collar, +"virtoo, sir, is its own reward. Look at me!" He did look at me, +and qualed be4 my gase. "The fact is," I continued, lookin' round +on the hungry crowd, "there is scacely a offiss for every ile lamp +carrid round durin' this campane. I wish thare was. I wish thare +was furrin missions to be filled on varis lonely Islands where +eppydemics rage incessantly, and if I was in Old Abe's place I'd +send every mother's son of you to them. What air you here for?" I +continnered, warmin up considerable, "can't you giv Abe a minit's +peace? Don't you see he's worrid most to death? Go home, you +miserable men, go home & till the sile! Go to peddlin tinware--go +to choppin wood--go to bilin' sope--stuff sassengers--black boots-- +git a clerkship on sum respectable manure cart--go round as +original Swiss Bell Ringers--becum 'origenal and only' Campbell +Minstrels--go to lecturin at 50 dollars a nite--imbark in the +peanut bizniss--WRITE FOR THE 'LEDGER'--saw off your legs and go +round givin concerts, with tuchin appeals to a charitable public, +printed on your handbills--anything for a honest living, but don't +come round here drivin Old Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings up! +Go home. Stand not upon the order of your goin,' but go to onct! +Ef in five minits from this time," sez I, pullin' out my new +sixteen dollar huntin cased watch and brandishin' it before their +eyes, "Ef in five minits from this time a single sole of you +remains on these here premises, I'll go out to my cage near by, and +let my Boy Constructor loose! & ef he gits amung you, you'll think +old Solferino has cum again and no mistake!" You ought to hev seen +them scamper, Mr. Fair. They run ort as tho Satun hisself was +arter them with a red hot ten pronged pitchfork. In five minits +the premises was clear. + +"How kin I ever repay you, Mr. Ward, for your kindness?" sed Old +Abe, advancin and shakin me warmly by the hand. "How kin I ever +repay you, sir?" + +"By givin the whole country a good, sound administration. By +poerin' ile upon the troubled waturs, North and South. By +pursooin' a patriotic, firm, and just course, and then if any State +wants to secede, let 'em Sesesh!" + +"How 'bout my Cabinit, Mister Ward?" sed Abe. + +"Fill it up with Showmen, sir! Showmen, is devoid of politics. +They hain't got any principles. They know how to cater for the +public. They know what the public wants, North & South. Showmen, +sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt their literary ability, look at +their posters, and see small bills! Ef you want a Cabinit as is a +Cabinit fill it up with showmen, but don't call on me. The moral +wax figger perfeshun musn't be permitted to go down while there's a +drop of blood in these vains! A. Linkin, I wish you well! Ef +Powers or Walcutt wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man, I +scarcely think they'd sculp you; but ef you do the fair thing by +your country you'll make as putty a angel as any of us! A. Linkin, +use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and +firmly, and all will be well! A. Linkin, adoo!" + +He shook me cordyully by the hand--we exchanged picters, so we +could gaze upon each other's liniments, when far away from one +another--he at the hellum of the ship of State, and I at the hellum +of the show bizniss--admittance only 15 cents. + + +1.32. INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. + +Notwithstandin I hain't writ much for the papers of late, nobody +needn't flatter theirselves that the undersined is ded. On the +contry, "I still live," which words was spoken by Danyil Webster, +who was a able man. Even the old-line whigs of Boston will admit +THAT. Webster is ded now, howsever, and his mantle has probly +fallen into the hands of sum dealer in 2nd hand close, who can't +sell it. Leastways nobody pears to be goin round wearin it to any +perticler extent, now days. The rigiment of whom I was kurnel, +finerly concluded they was better adapted as Home Gards, which +accounts for your not hearin of me, ear this, where the bauls is +the thickest and where the cannon doth roar. But as a American +citizen I shall never cease to admire the masterly advance our +troops made on Washinton from Bull Run, a short time ago. It was +well dun. I spoke to my wife 'bout it at the time. My wife sed it +was well dun. + +It havin there4 bin detarmined to pertect Baldinsville at all +hazzuds, and as there was no apprehensions of any immejit danger, I +thought I would go orf onto a pleasure tower. Accordinly I put on +a clean Biled Shirt and started for Washinton. I went there to see +the Prints Napoleon, and not to see the place, which I will here +take occasion to obsarve is about as uninterestin a locality as +there is this side of J. Davis's future home, if he ever does die, +and where I reckon they'll make it so warm for him that he will si +for his summer close. It is easy enough to see why a man goes to +the poor house or the penitentiary. It's becawz he can't help it. +But why he should woluntarily go and live in Washinton, is intirely +beyond my comprehension, and I can't say no fairer nor that. + +I put up to a leadin hotel. I saw the landlord and sed, "How d'ye +do, Square?" + +"Fifty cents, sir," was his reply. + +"Sir?" + +"Half-a-dollar. We charge twenty-five cents for LOOKIN at the +landlord and fifty cents for speakin to him. If you want supper, a +boy will show you to the dinin-room for twenty-five cents. Your +room bein in the tenth story, it will cost you a dollar to be shown +up there." + +"How much do you ax for a man breathin in this equinomikal tarvun?" +sed I. + +"Ten cents a Breth," was his reply. + +Washinton hotels is very reasonable in their charges. [N.B.--This +is Sarkassum.] + +I sent up my keerd to the Prints, and was immejitly ushered before +him. He received me kindly, and axed me to sit down. + +"I hav cum to pay my respecks to you, Mister Napoleon, hopin I see +you hale and harty." + +"I am quite well," he sed. "Air you well, sir?" + +"Sound as a cuss!" I answerd. + +He seemed to be pleased with my ways, and we entered into +conversation to onct. + +"How's Lewis?" I axed, and he sed the Emperor was well. Eugeny was +likewise well, he sed. Then I axed him was Lewis a good provider? +did he cum home arly nites? did he perfoom her bedroom at a +onseasonable hour with gin and tanzy? Did he go to "the Lodge" on +nites when there wasn't any Lodge? did he often hav to go down town +to meet a friend? did he hav a extensiv acquaintance among poor +young widders whose husbands was in Californy? to all of which +questions the Prints perlitely replide, givin me to understand that +the Emperor was behavin well. + +"I ax these question, my royal duke and most noble hiness and +imperials, becaws I'm anxious to know how he stands as a man. I +know he's smart. He is cunnin, he is long-heded, he is deep--he is +grate. But onless he is GOOD he'll come down with a crash one of +these days and the Bonyparts will be Bustid up agin. Bet yer +life!" + +"Air you a preacher, sir?" he inquired slitely sarkasticul. + +"No, sir. But I bleeve in morality. I likewise bleeve in Meetin +Houses. Show me a place where there isn't any Meetin Houses and +where preachers is never seen, and I'll show you a place where old +hats air stuffed into broken winders, where the children air dirty +and ragged, where gates have no hinges, where the wimin are +slipshod, and where maps of the devil's "wild land" air painted +upon men's shirt bosums with tobacco-jooce! That's what I'll show +you. Let us consider what the preachers do for us before we aboose +'em." + +He sed he didn't mean to aboose the clergy. Not at all, and he was +happy to see that I was interested in the Bonypart family. + +"It's a grate family," sed I. "But they scooped the old man in." + +"How, Sir?" + +"Napoleon the Grand. The Britishers scooped him at Waterloo. He +wanted to do too much, and he did it! They scooped him in at +Waterloo, and he subsekently died at St. Heleny! There's where the +gratest military man this world ever projuced pegged out. It was +rather hard to consine such a man as him to St. Heleny, to spend +his larst days in catchin mackeril, and walkin up and down the +dreary beach in a military cloak drawn titely round him, (see +picter-books), but so it was. 'Hed of the Army!' Them was his +larst words. So he had bin. He was grate! Don't I wish we had a +pair of his old boots to command sum of our Brigades!" + +This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by the hand. + +"Alexander the Grate was punkins," I continnered, "but Napoleon was +punkinser! Alic wept becaws there was no more worlds to scoop, and +then took to drinkin. He drowndid his sorrers in the flowin bole, +and the flowin bole was too much for him. It ginerally is. He +undertook to give a snake exhibition in his boots, but it killed +him. That was a bad joke on Alic!" + +"Since you air so solicitous about France and the Emperor, may I +ask you how your own country is getting along?" sed Jerome, in a +pleasant voice. + +"It's mixed," I sed. But I think we shall cum out all right." + +"Columbus, when he diskivered this magnificent continent, could hav +had no idee of the grandeur it would one day assoom," sed the +Prints. + +"It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out his explorin +expedition," sed I. "If he had bin a sensible man he'd hav put the +money in a hoss railroad or a gas company, and left this +magnificent continent to intelligent savages, who when they got +hold of a good thing knew enuff to keep it, and who wouldn't hav +seceded, nor rebelled, nor knockt Liberty in the hed with a +slungshot. Columbus wasn't much of a feller, after all. It would +hav bin money in my pocket if he'd staid at home. Chris. ment +well, but he put his foot in it when he saled for America." + +We talked sum more about matters and things, and at larst I riz to +go. "I will now say good-bye to you, noble sir, and good luck to +you. Likewise the same to Clotildy. Also to the gorgeous persons +which compose your soot. If the Emperor's boy don't like livin at +the Tooleries, when he gits older, and would like to imbark in the +show bizness, let him come with me and I'll make a man of him. You +find us sumwhat mixed, as I before obsarved, but come again next +year and you'll find us clearer nor ever. The American Eagle has +lived too sumptuously of late--his stummic becum foul, and he's +takin a slite emetic. That's all. We're getting ready to strike a +big blow and a sure one. When we do strike, the fur will fly and +secession will be in the hands of the undertaker, sheeted for so +deep a grave that nothin short of Gabriel's trombone will ever +awaken it! Mind what I say. You've heard the showman!" + +Then advisin him to keep away from the Peter Funk sections of the +East, and the proprietors of corner-lots in the West, I bid him +farewell, and went away. + +There was a levee at Senator What's-his-name's, and I thought I'd +jine in the festivities for a spell. Who should I see but she that +was Sarah Watkins, now the wife of our Congresser, trippin in the +dance, dressed up to kill in her store close. Sarah's father use +to keep a little grosery store in our town and she used to clerk it +for him in busy times. I was rushin up to shake hands with her +when she turned on her heel, and tossin her hed in a contemptooious +manner, walked away from me very rapid. "Hallo, Sal," I hollered, +"can't you measure me a quart of them best melasses? I may want a +codfish, also!" I guess this reminded her of the little red store, +and "the days of her happy childhood." + +But I fell in love with a nice little gal after that, who was much +sweeter then Sally's father's melasses, and I axed her if we +shouldn't glide in the messy dance. She sed we should, and we +Glode. + +I intended to make this letter very seris, but a few goaks may have +accidentally crept in. Never mind. Besides, I think it improves a +komick paper to publish a goak once in a while. + + Yours Muchly, + Ward, (Artemus.) + + +1.33. AGRICULTURE. + +The Barclay County Agricultural Society having seriously invited +the author of this volume to address them on the occasion of their +next annual Fair, he wrote the President of that Society as +follows: + + New York. June 12, 1865, + +Dear Sir:-- + +I have the honor to acknowledge the receipt of your letter of the +5th inst., in which you invite me to deliver an address before your +excellent agricultural society. + +I feel flattered, and think I will come. + +Perhaps, meanwhile, a brief history of my experience as an +agriculturist will be acceptable; and as that history no doubt +contains suggestions of value to the entire agricultural community, +I have concluded to write to you through the Press. + +I have been an honest old farmer for some four years. + +My farm is in the interior of Maine. Unfortunately my lands are +eleven miles from the railroad. Eleven miles is quite a distance +to haul immense quantities of wheat, corn, rye, and oats; but as I +hav'n't any to haul, I do not, after all, suffer much on that +account. + +My farm is more especially a grass farm. + +My neighbors told me so at first, and as an evidence that they were +sincere in that opinion, they turned their cows on to it the moment +I went off "lecturing." + +These cows are now quite fat. I take pride in these cows, in fact, +and am glad I own a grass farm. + +Two years ago I tried sheep-raising. + +I bought fifty lambs, and turned them loose on my broad and +beautiful acres. + +It was pleasant on bright mornings to stroll leisurely out on to +the farm in my dressing-gown, with a cigar in my mouth, and watch +those innocent little lambs as they danced gayly o'er the hillside. +Watching their saucy capers reminded me of caper sauce, and it +occurred to me I should have some very fine eating when they grew +up to be "muttons." + +My gentle shepherd, Mr. Eli Perkins, said, "We must have some +shepherd dogs." + +I had no very precise idea as to what shepherd dogs were, but I +assumed a rather profound look, and said: + +"We must, Eli. I spoke to you about this some time ago!" + +I wrote to my old friend, Mr. Dexter H. Follett, of Boston, for two +shepherd dogs. Mr. F. is not an honest old farmer himself, but I +thought he knew about shepherd dogs. He kindly forsook far more +important business to accommodate, and the dogs came forthwith. +They were splendid creatures--snuff-colored, hazel-eyed, +long-tailed, and shapely-jawed. + +We led them proudly to the fields. + +"Turn them in, Eli," I said. + +Eli turned them in. + +They went in at once, and killed twenty of my best lambs in about +four minutes and a half. + +My friend had made a trifling mistake in the breed of these dogs. + +These dogs were not partial to sheep. + +Eli Perkins was astonished, and observed: + +"Waal! DID you ever?" + +I certainly never had. + +There were pools of blood on the greensward, and fragments of wool +and raw lamb chops lay round in confused heaps. + +The dogs would have been sent to Boston that night, had they not +suddenly died that afternoon of a throat-distemper. It wasn't a +swelling of the throat. It wasn't diptheria. It was a violent +opening of the throat, extending from ear to ear. + +Thus closed their life-stories. Thus ended their interesting +tails. + +I failed as a raiser of lambs. As a sheepist, I was not a success. + +Last summer Mr. Perkins, said, "I think we'd better cut some grass +this season, sir." + +We cut some grass. + +To me the new-mown hay is very sweet and nice. The brilliant +George Arnold sings about it, in beautiful verse, down in Jersey +every summer; so does the brilliant Aldrich, at Portsmouth, N.H. +And yet I doubt if either of these men knows the price of a ton of +hay to-day. But new-mown hay is a really fine thing. It is good +for man and beast. + +We hired four honest farmers to assist us, and I led them gayly to +the meadows. + +I was going to mow, myself. + +I saw the sturdy peasants go round once ere I dipped my flashing +scythe into the tall green grass. + +"Are you ready?" said E. Perkins. + +"I am here!" + +"Then follow us." + +I followed them. + +Followed them rather too closely, evidently, for a white-haired old +man, who immediately followed Mr. Perkins, called upon us to halt. +Then in a low firm voice he said to his son, who was just ahead of +me, "John, change places with me. I hain't got long to live, +anyhow. Yonder berryin' ground will soon have these old bones, and +it's no matter whether I'm carried there with one leg off and +ter'ble gashes in the other or not! But you, John--YOU are young." + +The old man changed places with his son. A smile of calm +resignation lit up his wrinkled face, as he sed, "Now, sir, I am +ready!" + +"What mean you, old man!" I sed. + +"I mean that if you continner to bran'ish that blade as you have +been bran'ishin' it, you'll slash h-- out of some of us before +we're a hour older!" + +There was some reason mingled with this white-haired old peasant's +profanity. It was true that I had twice escaped mowing off his +son's legs, and his father was perhaps naturally alarmed. + +I went and sat down under a tree. "I never know'd a literary man +in my life," I overheard the old man say, "that know'd anything." + +Mr. Perkins was not as valuable to me this season as I had fancied +he might be. Every afternoon he disappeared from the field +regularly, and remained about some two hours. He sed it was +headache. He inherited it from his mother. His mother was often +taken in that way, and suffered a great deal. + +At the end of the two hours Mr. Perkins would reappear with his +head neatly done up in a large wet rag, and say he "felt better." + +One afternoon it so happened that I soon followed the invalid to +the house, and as I neared the porch I heard a female voice +energetically observe, "You stop!" It was the voice of the hired +girl, and she added, "I'll holler for Mr. Brown!" + +"Oh no, Nancy," I heard the invalid E. Perkins soothingly say, "Mr. +Brown knows I love you. Mr. Brown approves of it!" + +This was pleasant for Mr. Brown! + +I peered cautiously through the kitchen-blinds, and, however +unnatural it may appear, the lips of Eli Perkins and my hired girl +were very near together. She sed, "You shan't do so," and he +DO-SOED. She also said she would get right up and go away, and as +an evidence that she was thoroughly in earnest about it, she +remained where she was. + +They are married now, and Mr. Perkins is troubled no more with the +headache. + +This year we are planting corn. Mr. Perkins writes me that "on +accounts of no skare krows bein put up krows cum and digged fust +crop up but soon got nother in. Old Bisbee who was frade youd cut +his sons leggs off Ses you bet go an stan up in feeld yrself with +dressin gownd on & gesses krows will keep way. This made Boys in +store larf. no More terday from + + "Yours + respecful + "Eli Perkins," + + "his letter." + +My friend Mr. D.T.T. Moore, of the "Rural New Yorker," thinks if I +"keep on" I will get in the Poor House in about two years. + +If you think the honest old farmers of Barclay County want me, I +will come. + + Truly Yours, + Charles F. Browne. + + +1.34. BUSTS. + +There are in this city several Italian gentlemen engaged in the bust +business. They have their peculiarities and eccentricities. They +are swarthy-faced, wear slouched caps and drab pea-jackets, and +smoke bad cigars. They make busts of Webster, Clay, Bonaparte, +Douglas, and other great men, living and dead. The Italian buster +comes upon you solemnly and cautiously. "Buy Napoleon?" he will +say, and you may probably answer "not a buy." "How much giv-ee?" he +asks, and perhaps you will ask him how much he wants. "Nine +dollar," he will answer always. We are sure of it. We have +observed this peculiarity in the busters frequently. No matter how +large or small the bust may be, the first price is invariably "nine +dollar." If you decline paying this price, as you undoubtedly will +if you are right in your head, he again asks, "how much giv-ee?" By +way of a joke you say "a dollar," when the buster retreats +indignantly to the door, saying in a low, wild voice, "O dam!" With +his hand upon the door-latch, he turns and once more asks, "how much +giv-ee?" You repeat the previous offer, when he mutters, "O ha!" +then coming pleasantly towards you, he speaks thus: "Say! how much +giv-ee?" Again you say a dollar, and he cries, "take 'um--take +'um!"--thus falling eight dollars on his original price. + +Very eccentric is the Italian buster, and sometimes he calls his +busts by wrong names. We bought Webster (he called him Web-STAR) of +him the other day, and were astonished when he called upon us the +next day with another bust of Webster, exactly like the one we had +purchased of him, and asked us if we didn't want to buy "Cole, the +wife-pizener!" We endeavored to rebuke the depraved buster, but our +utterance was choked, and we could only gaze upon him in speechless +astonishment and indignation. + + +1.35. A HARD CASE. + +We have heard of some very hard cases since we have enlivened this +world with our brilliant presence. We once saw an able-bodied man +chase a party of little school-children and rob them of their +dinners. The man who stole the coppers from his deceased +grandmother's eyes lived in our neighborhood, and we have read about +the man who went to church for the sole purpose of stealing the +testaments and hymn-books. But the hardest case we ever heard of +lived in Arkansas. He was only fourteen years old. One night he +deliberately murdered his father and mother in cold blood, with a +meat-axe. He was tried and found guilty. The Judge drew on his +black cap, and in a voice choked with emotion asked the young +prisoner if he had anything to say before the sentence of the Court +was passed on him. The court-room was densely crowded and there was +not a dry eye in the vast assembly. The youth of the prisoner, his +beauty and innocent looks, the mild, lamblike manner in which he had +conducted himself during the trial--all, all had thoroughly enlisted +the sympathy of the spectators, the ladies in particular. And even +the Jury, who had found it to be their stern duty to declare him +guilty of the appalling crime--even the Jury now wept aloud at this +awful moment. + +"Have you anything to say?" repeated the deeply moved Judge. + +"Why, no," replied the prisoner, "I think I haven't, though I hope +yer Honor will show some consideration FOR THE FEELINGS OF A POOR +ORPHAN!" + +The Judge sentenced the perfect young wretch without delay. + + +1.36. AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN. + +It isn't every one who has a village green to write about. I have +one, although I have not seen much of it for some years past. I am +back again, now. In the language of the duke who went around with a +motto about him, "I am here!" and I fancy I am about as happy a +peasant of the vale as ever garnished a melodrama, although I have +not as yet danced on my village green, as the melodramatic peasant +usually does on his. It was the case when Rosina Meadows left home. + +The time rolls by serenely now--so serenely that I don't care what +time it is, which is fortunate, because my watch is at present in +the hands of those "men of New York who are called rioters." We met +by chance, the usual way--certainly not by appointment--and I +brought the interview to a close with all possible despatch. +Assuring them that I wasn't Mr. Greeley, particularly, and that he +had never boarded in the private family where I enjoy the comforts +of a home, I tendered them my watch, and begged they would +distribute it judiciously among the laboring classes, as I had seen +the rioters styled in certain public prints. + +Why should I loiter feverishly in Broadway, stabbing the hissing hot +air with the splendid gold-headed cane that was presented to me by +the citizens of Waukegan, Illinois, as a slight testimonial of their +esteem? Why broil in my rooms? You said to me, Mrs. Gloverson, +when I took possession of these rooms, that no matter how warm it +might be, a breeze had a way of blowing into them, and that they +were, withal, quite countryfied; but I am bound to say, Mrs. +Gloverson, that there was nothing about them that ever reminded me, +in the remotest degree, of daisies or new-mown hay. Thus, with +sarcasm, do I smash the deceptive Gloverson. + +Why stay in New York when I had a village green? I gave it up, the +same as I would an intricate conundrum--and, in short, I am here. + +Do I miss the glare and crash of the imperial thoroughfare? The +milkman, the fiery, untamed omnibus horses, the soda fountains, +Central Park, and those things? Yes I do; and I can go on missing +'em for quite a spell, and enjoy it. + +The village from which I write to you is small. It does not contain +over forty houses, all told; but they are milk-white, with the +greenest of blinds, and for the most part are shaded with beautiful +elms and willows. To the right of us is a mountain--to the left a +lake. The village nestles between. Of course it does, I never read +a novel in my life in which the villages didn't nestle. Villages +invariably nestle. It is a kind of way they have. + +We are away from the cars. The iron-horse, as my little sister +aptly remarks in her composition On Nature, is never heard to shriek +in our midst; and on the whole I am glad of it. + +The villagers are kindly people. They are rather incoherent on the +subject of the war, but not more so, perhaps, then are people +elsewhere. One citizen, who used to sustain a good character, +subscribed for the Weekly New York Herald a few months since, and +went to studying the military maps in that well-known journal for +the fireside. I need not inform you that his intellect now totters, +and he has mortgaged his farm. In a literary point of view we are +rather bloodthirsty. A pamphlet edition of the life of a cheerful +being, who slaughtered his wife and child, and then finished +himself, is having an extensive sale just now. + +We know little of Honore de Balzac, and perhaps care less for Victor +Hugo. M. Claes's grand search for the Absolute doesn't thrill us in +the least; and Jean Valjean, gloomily picking his way through the +sewers of Paris, with the spooney young man of the name of Marius +upon his back, awakens no interest in our breasts. I say Jean +Valjean picked his way gloomily, and I repeat it. No man, under +these circumstances, could have skipped gayly. But this literary +business, as the gentleman who married his colored chambermaid aptly +observed, "is simply a matter of taste." + +The store--I must not forget the store. It is an object of great +interest to me. I usually encounter there, on sunny afternoons, an +old Revolutionary soldier. You may possibly have read about +"Another Revolutionary Soldier gone," but this is one who hasn't +gone, and, moreover, one who doesn't manifest the slightest +intention of going. He distinctly remembers Washington, of course; +they all do; but what I wish to call special attention to, is the +fact that this Revolutionary soldier is one hundred years old, that +his eyes are so good that he can read fine print without spectacles- +-he never used them, by the way--and his mind is perfectly clear. +He is a little shaky in one of his legs, but otherwise he is as +active as most men of forty-five, and his general health is +excellent. He uses no tobacco, but for the last twenty years he has +drunk one glass of liquor every day--no more, no less. He says he +must have his tod. I had begun to have lurking suspicions about +this Revolutionary soldier business, but here is an original Jacobs. +But because a man can drink a glass of liquor a day, and live to be +a hundred years old, my young readers must not infer that by +drinking two glasses of liquor a day a man can live to be two +hundred. "Which, I meanter say, it doesn't foller," as Joseph +Gargery might observe. + +This store, in which may constantly be found calico and nails, and +fish, and tobacco in kegs, and snuff in bladders, is a venerable +establishment. As long ago as 1814 it was an institution. The +county troops, on their way to the defence of Portland, then menaced +by British ships-of-war, were drawn up in front of this very store, +and treated at the town's expense. Citizens will tell you how the +clergyman refused to pray for the troops, because he considered the +war an unholy one; and how a somewhat eccentric person, of dissolute +habits, volunteered his services, stating that he once had an uncle +who was a deacon, and he thought he could make a tolerable prayer, +although it was rather out of his line; and how he prayed so long +and absurdly that the Colonel ordered him under arrest, but that +even while soldiers stood over him with gleaming bayonets, the +reckless being sang a preposterous song about his grandmother's +spotted calf, with its Ri-fol-lol-tiddery-i-do; after which he +howled dismally. + +And speaking of the store, reminds me of a little story. The author +of "several successful comedies" has been among us, and the store +was anxious to know who the stranger was. And therefore the store +asked him. + +"What do you follow, sir?" respectfully inquired the tradesman. + +"I occasionally write for the stage, sir." + +"Oh!" returned the tradesman, in a confused manner. + +"He means," said an honest villager, with a desire to help the +puzzled tradesman out, "he means that he writes the handbills for +the stage drivers!" + +I believe that story is new, although perhaps it is not of an +uproariously mirthful character; but one hears stories at the store +that are old enough, goodness knows--stories which, no doubt, +diverted Methuselah in the sunny days of his giddy and thoughtless +boyhood. + +There is an exciting scene at the store occasionally. Yesterday an +athletic peasant, in a state of beer, smashed in a counter and +emptied two tubs of butter on the floor. His father--a white-haired +old man, who was a little boy when the Revolutionary war closed, but +who doesn't remember Washington MUCH, came round in the evening and +settled for the damages. "My son," he said, "has considerable +originality." I will mention that this same son once told me that +he could lick me with one arm tied behind him, and I was so +thoroughly satisfied he could, that I told him he needn't mind going +for a rope. + +Sometimes I go a-visiting to a farmhouse, on which occasions the +parlor is opened. The windows have been close-shut ever since the +last visitor was there, and there is a dingy smell that I struggle +as calmly as possible with, until I am led to the banquet of +steaming hot biscuit and custard pie. If they would only let me sit +in the dear old-fashioned kitchen, or on the door-stone--if they +knew how dismally the new black furniture looked--but, never mind, I +am not a reformer. No, I should rather think not. + +Gloomy enough, this living on a farm, you perhaps say, in which case +you are wrong. I can't exactly say that I pant to be an +agriculturist, but I do know that in the main it is an independent, +calmly happy sort of life. I can see how the prosperous farmer can +go joyously a-field with the rise of the sun, and how his heart may +swell with pride over bounteous harvests and sleek oxen. And it +must be rather jolly for him on winter evenings to sit before the +bright kitchen fire and watch his rosy boys and girls as they study +out the charades in the weekly paper, and gradually find out why my +first is something that grows in a garden, and my second is a fish. + +On the green hillside over yonder there is a quivering of snowy +drapery, and bright hair is flashing in the morning sunlight. It +is recess, and the Seminary girls are running in the tall grass. + +A goodly seminary to look at outside, certainly, although I am +pained to learn, as I do on unprejudiced authority, that Mrs. +Higgins, the Principal, is a tyrant, who seeks to crush the girls +and trample upon them; but my sorrow is somewhat assuaged by +learning that Skimmerhorn, the pianist, is perfectly splendid. + +Looking at these girls reminds me that I, too, was once young--and +where are the friends of my youth? I have found one of 'em, +certainly. I saw him ride in the circus the other day on a bareback +horse, and even now his name stares at me from yonder board-fence, +in green, and blue, and red, and yellow letters. Dashington, the +youth with whom I used to read the able orations of Cicero, and who, +as a declaimer on exhibition days, used to wipe the rest of us boys +pretty handsomely out--well, Dashington is identified with the +halibut and cod interest--drives a fish cart, in fact, from a +certain town on the coast, back into the interior. Hurbertson, the +utterly stupid boy--the lunkhead, who never had his lesson--he's +about the ablest lawyer a sister State can boast. Mills is a +newspaper man, and is just now editing a Major-General down South. + +Singlinson, the sweet-voiced boy, whose face was always washed and +who was real good, and who was never rude--HE is in the penitentiary +for putting his uncle's autograph to a financial document. Hawkins, +the clergyman's son, is an actor, and Williamson, the good little +boy who divided his bread and butter with the beggarman, is a +failing merchant, and makes money by it. Tom Slink, who used to +smoke short-sixes and get acquainted with the little circus boys, is +popularly supposed to be the proprietor of a cheap gaming +establishment in Boston, where the beautiful but uncertain prop is +nightly tossed. Be sure, the Army is represented by many of the +friends of my youth, the most of whom have given a good account of +themselves. But Chalmerson hasn't done much. No, Chalmerson is +rather of a failure. He plays on the guitar and sings love songs. +Not that he is a bad man. A kinder-hearted creature never lived, +and they say he hasn't yet got over crying for his little curly +haired sister who died ever so long ago. But he knows nothing about +business, politics, the world, and those things. He is dull at +trade--indeed, it is a common remark that "everybody cheats +Chalmerson." He came to the party the other evening, and brought +his guitar. They wouldn't have him for a tenor in the opera, +certainly, for he is shaky in his upper notes; but if his simple +melodies didn't gush straight from the heart, why were my trained +eyes wet? And although some of the girls giggled, and some of the +men seemed to pity him I could not help fancying that poor +Chalmerson was nearer heaven than any of us all! + + +1.37. ABOUT EDITORS. + +We hear a great deal, and something too much, about the poverty of +editors. It is common for editors to parade their poverty and joke +about it in their papers. We see these witticisms almost every day +of our lives. Sometimes the editor does the "vater vorks business," +as Mr. Samuel Weller called weeping, and makes pathetic appeals to +his subscribers. Sometimes he is in earnest when he makes these +appeals, but why "on airth" does he stick to a business that will +not support him decently? We read of patriotic and lofty-minded +individuals who sacrifice health, time, money, and perhaps life, for +the good of humanity, the Union, and that sort of thing, but we +don't SEE them very often. We must say that we could count up all +the lofty patriots in this line that we have ever seen, during our +brief but chequered and romantic career, in less than half a day. A +man who clings to a wretchedly paying business, when he can make +himself and others near and dear to him fatter and happier by doing +something else, is about as near an ass as possible, and not hanker +after green grass and corn in the ear. The truth is, editors as a +class are very well fed, groomed and harnessed. They have some +pains that other folk do not have, and they also have some +privileges which the community in general can't possess. While we +would not advise the young reader to "go for an editor," we assure +him he can do much worse. He mustn't spoil a flourishing blacksmith +or popular victualler in making an indifferent editor of himself, +however. He must be endowed with some fancy and imagination to +enchain the public eye. It was Smith, we believe, or some other man +with an odd name, who thought Shakespeare lacked the requisite fancy +and imagination for a successful editor. + +To those persons who can't live by printing papers we would say, in +the language of the profligate boarder when dunned for his bill, +being told at the same time by the keeper of the house that he +couldn't board people for nothing, "Then sell out to somebody who +can!" In other words, fly from a business which don't remunerate. +But as we intimated before, there is much gammon in the popular +editorial cry of poverty. + +Just now we see a touching paragraph floating through the papers to +the effect that editors don't live out half their years; that, poor +souls! they wear themselves out for the benefit of a cold and +unappreciating world. We don't believe it. Gentle reader, don't +swallow it. It is a footlight trick to work on your feelings. For +ourselves, let us say, that unless we slip up considerably on our +calculations, it will be a long time before our fellow-citizens will +have the melancholy pleasure of erecting to our memory a towering +monument of Parian marble on the Public Square. + + +1.38. EDITING. + +Before you go for an Editor, young man, pause and take a big think! +Do not rush into the editorial harness rashly. Look around and see +if there is not an omnibus to drive--some soil somewhere to be +tilled--a clerkship on some meat cart to be filled--anything that is +reputable and healthy, rather than going for an Editor, which is +hard business at best. + +We are not a horse, and consequently have never been called upon to +furnish the motive power for a threshing-machine; but we fancy that +the life of the Editor who is forced to write, write, write, whether +he feels right or not, is much like that of the steed in question. +If the yeas and neighs could be obtained, we believe the intelligent +horse would decide that the threshing-machine is preferable to the +sanctum editorial. + +The Editor's work is never done. He is drained incessantly, and no +wonder that he dries up prematurely. Other people can attend +banquets, weddings, &c.; visit halls of dazzling light, get +inebriated, break windows, lick a man occasionally, and enjoy +themselves in a variety of ways; but the Editor cannot. He must +stick tenaciously to his quill. The press, like a sick baby, +mustn't be left alone for a minute. If the press is left to run +itself even for a day, some absurd person indignantly orders the +carrier-boy to stop bringing "that infernal paper. There's nothing +in it. I won't have it in the house!" + +The elegant Mantalini, reduced to mangle-turning, described his life +as "a dem'd horrid grind." The life of the Editor is all of that. + +But there is a good time coming, we feel confident, for the Editor. +A time when he will be appreciated. When he will have a front seat. +When he will have pie every day, and wear store clothes continually. +When the harsh cry of "stop my paper" will no more grate upon his +ears. Courage, Messieurs the Editors! Still, sanguine as we are of +the coming of this jolly time, we advise the aspirant for editorial +honors to pause ere he takes up the quill as a means of obtaining +his bread and butter. Do not, at least, do so until you have been +jilted several dozen times by a like number of girls; until you have +been knocked down-stairs several times and soused in a horse-pond; +until all the "gushing" feelings within you have been thoroughly +subdued; until, in short, your hide is of rhinoceros thickness. +Then, O aspirants for the bubble reputation at the press's mouth, +throw yourselves among the inkpots, dust, and cobwebs of the +printing office, if you will. + + * * * Good my lord, will you see the Editors well bestowed? Do +you hear, let them be well used, for they are the abstract and brief +chroniclers of the time. After your death you had better have a bad +epitaph than their ill report while you live. + Hamlet, slightly altered. + + +1.39. POPULARITY. + +What a queer thing is popularity; Bill Pug Nose of the "Plug-Uglies" +(The name given to an infamous gang of ruffians which once had its +head-quarters in Baltimore.) acquires a world-wide reputation by +smashing up the "champion of light weights," sets up a Saloon upon +it, and realizes the first month; while our Missionary, who +collected two hundred blankets last August, and at that time saved a +like number of little negroes in the West Indies from freezing, has +received nothing but the yellow fever. The Hon. Oracular M. +Matterson becomes able to withstand any quantity of late nights and +bad brandy, is elected to Congress, and lobbies through contracts by +which he realizes some 50,000 dollars; while private individuals +lose 100,000 dollars by the Atlantic Cable. Contracts are popular-- +the cable isn't. Fiddlers, Prima Donnas, Horse Operas, learned +pigs, and five-legged calves travel through the country, reaping +"golden opinions," while editors, inventors, professors, and +humanitarians generally, are starving in garrets. Revivals of +religion, fashions, summer resorts, and pleasure trips, are +exceedingly popular, while trade, commerce, chloride of lime, and +all the concomitants necessary to render the inner life of denizens +of cities tolerable, are decidedly non est. Even water, which was +so popular and populous a few weeks agone, comes to us in such +stinted sprinklings that it has become popular to supply it only +from hydrants in sufficient quantities to raise one hundred +disgusting smells in a distance of two blocks. Monsieur Revierre, +with nothing but a small name and a large quantity of hair, makes +himself exceedingly popular with hotel-keepers and a numerous +progeny of female Flaunts and Blounts, while Felix Smooth and Mr. +Chink, who persistently set forth their personal and more +substantial marital charms through the columns of "New York Herald," +have only received one interview each--one from a man in female +attire, and the other from the keeper of an unmentionable house. +Popularity is a queer thing, very. If you don't believe us, try it! + + +1.40. A LITTLE DIFFICULTY IN THE WAY. + +An enterprising traveling agent for a well-known Cleveland Tombstone +Manufactory lately made a business visit to a small town in an +adjoining county. Hearing, in the village, that a man in a remote +part of the township had lost his wife, he thought he would go and +see him, and offer him consolation and a gravestone, on his usual +reasonable terms. He started. The road was a frightful one, but +the agent persevered, and finally arrived at the bereaved man's +house. Bereaved man's hired girl told the agent that the bereaved +man was splitting fence rails "over in pastur, about two milds." +The indefatigable agent hitched his horse and started for the +"pastur." After falling into all manner of mudholes, scratching +himself with briers, and tumbling over decayed logs, the agent at +length found the bereaved man. In a subdued voice he asked the man +if he had lost his wife. The man said he had. The agent was very +sorry to hear of it, and sympathized with the man deeply in his +great affliction; but death, he said, was an insatiate archer, and +shot down all, both of high and low degree. Informed the man that +"what was his loss was her gain," and would be glad to sell him a +gravestone to mark the spot where the beloved one slept--marble or +common stone, as he chose, at prices defying competition. The +bereaved man said there was "a little difficulty in the way." + +"Haven't you lost your wife?" inquired the agent. + +"Why, yes, I have," said the man, "but no gravestun ain't necessary: +you see the cussed critter ain't dead. SHE'S SCOOTED WITH ANOTHER +MAN!" + +The agent retired. + + +1.41. COLORED PEOPLE'S CHURCH. + +There is a plain little meeting-house on Barnwell Street (One of the +streets of the city of Cleveland.) in which the colored people--or a +goodly portion of them--worship on Sundays. The seats are +cushionless, and have perpendicular backs. The pulpit is plain +white--trimmed with red, it is true, but still a very unostentatious +affair for colored people, who are supposed to have a decided +weakness for gay hues. Should you escort a lady to this church, and +seat yourself beside her, you will infallibly be touched on the +shoulder, and politely requested to move to the "gentlemen's side." +Gentlemen and ladies are not allowed to sit together in this church. +They are parted remorselessly. It is hard--we may say it is +terrible--to be torn asunder in this way, but you have to submit, +and of course you had better do so gracefully and pleasantly. + +Meeting opens with an old-fashioned hymn, which is very well sung +indeed by the congregation. Then the minister reads a hymn, which +is sung by the choir on the front seats near the pulpit. Then the +minister prays. He hopes no one has been attracted there by idle +curiosity--to see or be seen--and you naturally conclude that he is +gently hitting you. Another hymn follows the prayer, and then we +have the discourse, which certainly has the merit of peculiarity and +boldness. The minister's name is Jones. He don't mince matters at +all. He talks about the "flames of hell" with a confident +fierceness that must be quite refreshing to sinners. + +"There's no half-way about this," says he, "no by-paths. + +"There are in Cleveland lots of men who go to church regularly, who +behave well in meeting, and who pay their bills. + +"They ain't Christians though. + +"They're gentlemen sinners. + +"And whar d'ye spose they'll fetch up? + +"I'll tell ye--they'll fetch him up in h--ll, and they'll come up +standing too--there's where they'll fetch up. + +"Who's my backer? + +"Have I got a backer? + +"Whar's my backer? + +"This is my backer (striking the Bible before him)--the Bible will +back me to any amount!" + +To still further convince his hearers that he was in earnest, he +exclaimed, "That's me--that's Jones!" + +He alluded to Eve in terms of bitter censure. It was natural that +Adam should have been mad at her. "I shouldn't want a woman that +wouldn't mind me, myself," said the speaker. + +He directed his attention to dancing, declaring it to be a great +sin. Whar there's dancing there's fiddling--whar there's fiddling +there's unrighteousness, and unrighteousness is wickedness, and +wickedness is sin! That's me--that's Jones." + +Bosom the speaker invariably called "buzzim," and devil "debil," +with a fearfully strong accent on the "il." + + +1.42. SPIRITS. + +Mr. Davenport (One of the afterwards notorious Davenport Brothers.), +who has been for some time closely identified with the modern +spiritual movement, is in the city with his daughter, who is quite +celebrated as a medium. They are accompanied by Mr. Eighme and his +daughter, and are holding circles in Hoffman's Block every afternoon +and evening. We were present at the circle last evening. Miss +Davenport seated herself at a table on which was a tin trumpet, a +tambourine, and a guitar. The audience were seated around the room. +The lights were blown out, and the spirit of an eccentric +individual, well known to the Davenports, and whom they call George, +addressed the audience through the trumpet. He called several of +those present by name in a boisterous voice, and dealt several +stunning knocks on the table. George has been in the spirit-world +some two hundred years. He is a rather rough spirit, and probably +run with the machine and "killed for Kyser" when in the flesh. +(Kyser is an extensive New York butcher, and "to kill" [or +slaughter] for him has passed into a saying with the roughs, or +"bhoys," of New York. To "run with a [fire] machine.") He ordered +the seats in the room to be wheeled round so the audience would face +the table. He said the people on the front seat must be tied with a +rope. The order was misunderstood, the rope being merely drawn +before those on the front seat. He reprimanded Mr. Davenport for +not understanding the instructions. What he meant was that the rope +should be passed around each person on the front seat and then +tightly drawn, a man at each end of the seat to hold on to it. This +was done, and George expressed himself satisfied. There was no one +near the table save the medium. All the rest were behind the rope, +and those on the front seat were particularly charged not to let any +one pass by them. George said he felt first-rate, and commenced +kissing the ladies present. The smack could be distinctly heard, +and some of the ladies said the sensation was very natural. For the +first time in our eventful life we sighed to be a spirit. We envied +George. We did not understand whether the kissing was done through +a trumpet. After kissing considerably, and indulging in some +playful remarks with a man whose Christian name was Napoleon +Bonaparte, and whom George called "Boney," he tied the hands and +feet of the medium. He played the guitar and jingled the +tambourine, and then dashed them violently on the floor. The +candles were lit, and Miss Davenport was securely tied. She could +not move her hands. Her feet were bound, and the rope (which was a +long one) was fastened to the chair. No person in the room had been +near her or had anything to do with tying her. Every person who was +in the room will take his or her oath of that. She could hardly +have tied herself. We never saw such intricate and thorough tying +in our life. The believers present were convinced that George did +it. The unbelievers didn't exactly know what to think about it. +The candles were extinguished again, and pretty soon Miss Davenport +told George to "don't." She spoke in an affrighted tone. The +candles were lit, and she was discovered sitting on the table--hands +and feet tied as before, and herself tied to the chair withal. The +lights were again blown out, there were sounds as if some one was +lifting her from the table; the candles were relit, and she was seen +sitting in the chair on the floor again. No one had been near her +from the audience. Again the lights were extinguished, and +presently the medium said her feet were wet. It appeared that the +mischievous spirit of one Biddie, an Irish Miss who died when twelve +years old, had kicked over the water-pail. Miss Eighme took a seat +at the table, and the same mischievous Biddie scissored off a liberal +lock of her hair. There was the hair, and it had indisputably just +been taken from Miss Eighme's head, and her hands and feet, like +those of Miss D., were securely tied. Other things of a staggering +character to the sceptic were done during the evening. + + +1.43. MR. BLOWHARD. + +The reader has probably met Mr. Blowhard. He is usually round. You +find him in all public places. He is particularly "numerous" at +shows. Knows all the actors intimately. Went to school with some +of 'em. Knows how much they get a month to a cent, and how much +liquor they can hold to a teaspoonful. He knows Ned Forrest like a +book. Has taken sundry drinks with Ned. Ned likes him much. Is +well acquainted with a certain actress. Could have married her just +as easy as not if he had wanted to. Didn't like her "style," and so +concluded not to marry her. Knows Dan Rice well. Knows all of his +men and horses. Is on terms of affectionate intimacy with Dan's +rhinoceros, and is tolerably well acquainted with the performing +elephant. We encountered Mr. Blowhard at the circus yesterday. He +was entertaining those near him with a full account of the whole +institution, men, boys, horses, "muils" and all. He said the +rhinoceros was perfectly harmless, as his teeth had all been taken +out in infancy. Besides, the rhinoceros was under the influence of +opium while he was in the ring, which entirely prevented his +injuring anybody. No danger whatever. In due course of time the +amiable beast was led into the ring. When the cord was taken from +his nose, he turned suddenly and manifested a slight desire to run +violently in among some boys who were seated near the musicians. +The keeper, with the assistance of one of the Bedouin Arabs, soon +induced him to change his mind, and got him in the middle of the +ring. The pleasant quadruped had no sooner arrived here than he +hastily started, with a melodious bellow, towards the seats on one +of which sat Mr. Blowhard. Each particular hair on Mr. Blowhard's +head stood up "like squills upon the speckled porkupine" (Shakspeare +or Artemus Ward, we forget which), and he fell, with a small shriek, +down through the seats to the ground. He remained there until the +agitated rhinoceros became calm, when he crawled slowly back to his +seat. + +"Keep mum," he said, with a very wise shake of the head "I only +wanted to have some fun with them folks above us. I swar, I'll bet +the whisky they thought I was scared!" Great character that +Blowhard. + + +1.44. MARKET MORNING. + + "Hurrah! this is market day, + Up, lads, and gaily away!"--Old Comedy. + +On market mornings there is a roar and a crash all about the corner +of Kinsman and Pittsburg Streets. The market building--so called, +we presume, because it don't in the least resemble a market +building--is crowded with beef and butchers, and almost countless +meat and vegetable wagons, of all sorts, are confusedly huddled +together all around outside. These wagons mostly come from a few +miles out of town, and are always on the spot at daybreak. A little +after sunrise the crash and jam commences, and continues with little +cessation until ten o'clock in the forenoon. There is a babel of +tongues, an excessively cosmopolitan gathering of people, a roar of +wheels, and a lively smell of beef and vegetables. The soap man, +the headache curative man, the razor man, and a variety of other +tolerable humbugs, are in full blast. We meet married men with +baskets in their hands. Those who have been fortunate in their +selections look happy, while some who have been unlucky wear a +dejected air, for they are probably destined to get pieces of their +wives' minds on their arrival home. It is true, that all married +men have their own way, but the trouble is they don't all have their +own way of having it! We meet a newly-married man. He has recently +set up housekeeping. He is out to buy steak for breakfast. There +are only himself and wife and female domestic in the family. He +shows us his basket, which contains steak enough for at least ten +able-bodied men. We tell him so, but he says we don't know anything +about war, and passes on. Here comes a lady of high degree, who has +no end of servants to send to the market, but she likes to come +herself, and it won't prevent her shining and sparkling in her +elegant drawing-room this afternoon. And she is accumulating muscle +and freshness of face by these walks to market. + +And here IS a charming picture. Standing beside a vegetable cart is +a maiden beautiful and sweeter far than any daisy in the fields. +Eyes of purest blue, lips of cherry red, teeth like pearls, silken, +golden hair, and form of exquisite mould. We wonder if she is a +fairy, but instantly conclude that she is not, for in measuring out +a peck of onions she spills some of them; a small boy laughs at the +mishap, and she indignantly shies the measure at his head. Fairies, +you know, don't throw peck measures at small boys' heads. The spell +was broken. The golden chain which for a moment bound us fell to +pieces. We meet an eccentric individual in corduroy pantaloons and +pepper-and-salt coat, who wants to know if we didn't sail out of +Nantucket in 1852 in the whaling brig "Jasper Green." We are +compelled to confess that the only nautical experience we ever had +was to once temporarily command a canal boat on the dark-rolling +Wabash, while the captain went ashore to cave in the head of a +miscreant who had winked lasciviously at the sylph who superintended +the culinary department on board that gallant craft. The eccentric +individual smiles in a ghastly manner, says perhaps we won't lend +him a dollar till tomorrow; to which we courteously reply that we +CERTAINLY won't, and he glides away. + +We return to our hotel, reinvigorated with the early, healthful +jaunt, and bestow an imaginary purse of gold upon our African +Brother, who brings us a hot and excellent breakfast. + + +1.45. WE SEE TWO WITCHES. + +Two female fortune-tellers recently came hither, and spread "small +bills" throughout the city. Being slightly anxious, in common with +a wide circle of relatives and friends, to know where we were going +to, and what was to become of us, we visited both of these eminently +respectable witches yesterday and had our fortune told "twict." +Physicians sometimes disagree, lawyers invariably do, editors +occasionally fall out, and we are pained to say that even witches +unfold different tales to one individual. In describing our +interviews with these singularly gifted female women, who are +actually and positively here in this city, we must speak +considerably of "we"--not because we flatter ourselves that we are +more interesting than people in general, but because in the present +case it is really necessary. In the language of Hamlet's Pa, "List, +O list!" + +We went to see "Madame B." first. She has rooms at the Burnett +House. The following is a copy of her bill:-- + + MADAME B., + + THE CELEBRATED SPANISH ASTROLOGIST, CLAIRVOYANT + AND FEMALE DOCTRESS, + + Would respectfully announce to the citizens that she has just + arrived in this city, and designs remaining for a few days only. + + The Madame can be consulted on all matters pertaining to life-- + either past, present, or future--tracing the line of life from + Infancy to Old Age, particularizing each event, in regard to + + Business, Love, Marriage, Courtship, Losses, Law Matters, and + Sickness of Relatives and Friends at a distance. + + The Madame will also show her visitors a life-like representation + of their Future Husbands and Wives. + + LUCKY NUMBERS IN LOTTERIES + + Can also be selected by her, and hundreds who have consulted her + have drawn capital prizes. The Madame will furnish medicine for + all diseases, for grown persons (male or female) and children. + + Persons wishing to consult her concerning this mysterious art and + human destiny, particularly with reference to their own individual +bearing in relation to a supposed Providence, can be accommodated by + + ROOM NO. 23, BURNETT HOUSE, + + Corner of Prospect and Ontario streets, Cleveland. + +The Madame has traveled extensively for the last few years, both in +the United States and the West Indies, and the success which has +attended her in all places has won for her the reputation of being +the most wonderful Astrologist of the present age. + +The Madame has a superior faculty for this business, having been +born with a Caul on her Face, by virtue of which she can more +accurately read the past, present, and future; also enabling her to +cure many diseases without using drugs or medicines. The madame +advertises nothing but what she can do. Call on her if you would +consult the greatest Foreteller of events now living. + + Hours of Consultation, from 8 A.M. to 9 o'clock P.M. + +We urbanely informed the lady with the "Caul on her Face" that we +had called to have our fortune told, and she said, "Hand out your +money." This preliminary being settled, Madame B. (who is a tall, +sharp-eyed, dark-featured and angular woman, dressed in painfully +positive colors, and heavily loaded with gold chain and mammoth +jewelry of various kinds) and Jupiter indicated powerful that we +were a slim constitution, which came down on to us from our father's +side. Wherein our constitution was not slim, so it came down on to +us from our mother's side. + +"Is this so?" + +And we said it was. + +"Yes," continued the witch, "I know'd 'twas. You can't deceive +Jupiter, me, nor any other planick. You may swim same as Leander +did, but you can't deceive the planicks. Give me your hand! Times +ain't so easy as they has been. So--so--but 'tis temp'ry. 'Twon't +last long. Times will be easy soon. You may be tramped on to onct +or twict, but you'll rekiver. You have talenk, me child. You kin +make a Congresser if sich you likes to be. [We said we would be +excused, if it was all the same to her.] You kin be a lawyer. [We +thanked her, but said we would rather retain our present good moral +character.] You kin be a soldier. You have courage enough to go to +the Hostrian wars and kill the French. [We informed her that we had +already murdered some "English."] You won't have much money till +you're thirty-three years of old. Then you will have large sums-- +forty thousand dollars, perhaps. Look out for it! [We promised we +would.] You have traveled some, and you will travel more, which +will make your travels more extensiver than they has been. You will +go to Californy by way of Pike's Pick. [Same route taken by Horace +Greeley.] If nothin happens onto you, you won't meet with no +accidents and will get through pleasant, which you otherwise will +not do under all circumstances however, which doth happen to all, +both great and small, likewise to the rich as also the poor. +Hearken to me! There has been deaths in your family, and there will +be more! But Reserve your constitution and you will live to be +seventy years of old. Me child, HER hair will be black--black as +the Raving's wing. Likewise black will also be her eyes, and she'll +be as different from which you air as night and day. Look out for +the darkish man! He's yer rival! Beware of the darkish man! [We +promised that we'd introduce a funeral into the "darkish man's" +family the moment we encountered him.] Me child, there's more +sunshine than clouds for ye, and send all your friends up here. + +"A word before you goes. Expose not yourself. Your eyes is saller, +which is on accounts of bile on your systim. Some don't have bile +on to their systims which their eyes is not saller. This bile +ascends down on to you from many generations which is in their +graves, and peace to their ashes." + + MADAME CROMPTON. + +We then proceeded directly to Madame Crompton, the other fortune- +teller. + +Below is her bill:-- + + MADAME R. CROMPTON, + + The World-Renowned Fortune-Teller and + Astrologist. + + Madame Crompton begs leave to inform the citizens of Cleveland + and vicinity that she has taken rooms at the + + FARMERS' ST CLAIR HOUSE, + + Corner of St Clair and Water Streets, + + Where she may be consulted on all matters pertaining to + Past and Future Events. + + Also giving Information of Absent friends, whether + Living or Dead. + + P.S.--Persons having lost or having property stolen of any kind, + will do well to give her a call, as she will describe the person or + persons with such accuracy as will astonish the most devout critic. + + Terms Reasonable. + +She has rooms at the Farmers' Hotel, as stated in the bill above. +She was driving an extensive business, and we were forced to wait +half an hour or so for a chance to see her. Madame Crompton is of +the English persuasion, and has evidently searched many long years +in vain for her H. She is small in stature, but considerably +inclined to corpulency, and her red round face is continually +wreathed in smiles, reminding one of a new tin pan basking in the +noonday sun. She took a greasy pack of common playing cards, and +requested us to "cut them in three," which we did. She spread them +out before her on the table, and said:-- + +"Sir to you which I speaks. You 'av been terrible crossed in love, +and your 'art 'as been much panged. But you'll get over it and +marry a light complected gale with rayther reddish 'air. Before +some time you'll have a legercy fall down on to you, mostly in +solick Jold. There may be a lawsuit about it, and you may be +sup-prisoned as a witnesses, but you'll git it--mostly in solick +Jold, which you will keep in chists, and you must look out for them. +[We said we would keep a skinned optic on "them chists."] You 'as a +enemy, and he's a lightish man. He wants to defraud you out of your +'onesty. He is tellink lies about you now in the 'opes of crushin +yourself. [A weak invention of "the opposition."] You never did +nothin bad. Your 'art is right. You 'ave a great taste for hosses +and like to stay with 'em. Mister to you I sez: Gard aginst the +lightish man and all will be well." + +The supernatural being then took an oval-shaped chunk of glass +(which she called a stone) and requested us to "hang on to it." She +looked into it and said: + +"If you're not keerful when you git your money, you'll lose it, but +which otherwise you will not, and fifty cents is as cheap as I kin +afford to tell anybody's fortune, and no great shakes made then." + + +1.46. FROM A HOMELY MAN. + +Dear Plain Dealer,--I am a plain man, and there is a melancholy +fitness in my unbosoming my sufferings to the "Plain" Dealer. Plain +as you may be in your dealings, however, I am convinced you never +before had to DEAL with a correspondent so hopelessly plain as I. +Yet plain don't half express my looks. Indeed I doubt very much +whether any word in the English language could be found to convey an +adequate idea on my absolute and utter homeliness. The dates in the +old family Bible show that I am in the decline of life, but I cannot +recall a period in my existence when I felt really young. My very +infancy, those brief months when babes prattle joyously and know +nothing of care, was darkened by a shadowy presentiment of what I +was to endure through life, and my youth was rendered dismal by +continued repetitions of a fact painfully evident "on the face of +it," that the boy was growing homelier and homelier every day. +Memory, that with other people recalls so much that is sweet and +pleasant to think of in connection with their youth, with me brings +up nothing but mortification, bitter tears, I had almost said +curses, on my solitary and homely lot. I have wished--a thousand +times wished--that Memory had never consented to take a seat "in +this distracted globe." + +You have heard of a man so homely that he couldn't sleep nights, his +face ached so. Mr. Editor, I am that melancholy individual. +Whoever perpetrated the joke--for joke it was no doubt intended to +be--knew not how much truth he was uttering, or how bitterly the +idle squib would rankle in the heart of one suffering man. Many and +many a night have I in my childhood laid awake thinking of my +homeliness, and as the moonlight has streamed in at the window and +fell upon the handsome and placid features of my little brother +slumbering at my side, Heaven forgive me for the wicked thought, but +I have felt an almost unconquerable impulse to forever disfigure and +mar that sweet upturned innocent face that smiled and looked so +beautiful in sleep, for it was ever reminding me of the curse I was +doomed to carry about me. Many and many a night have I got up in my +nightdress, and lighting my little lamp, sat for hours gazing at my +terrible ugliness of face reflected in the mirror, drawn to it by a +cruel fascination which it was impossible for me to resist. + +I need not tell you that I am a single man, and yet I have had what +men call affairs of the heart. I have known what it is to worship +the heart's embodiment of female loveliness, and purity, and truth, +but it was generally at a distance entirely safe to the object of my +adoration. Being of a susceptible nature, I was continually falling +in love, but never, save with one single exception, did I venture to +declare my flame. I saw my heart's palpitator walking in a grove. +Moved by my consuming love, I rushed towards her, and throwing +myself at her feet began to pour forth the long-pent-up emotions of +my heart. She gave one look and then + + "Shrieked till all the rocks replied;" + +at least you'd thought they replied if you had seen me leave that +grove with a speed greatly accelerated by a shower of rocks from the +hands of an enraged brother, who was at hand. That prepossessing +young lady is now slowly recovering her reason in an institution for +the insane. + +Of my further troubles I may perhaps inform you at some future time. + + Homely Man. + + +1.47. THE ELEPHANT. + +Some two years since, on the strength of what we regarded as +reliable information, we announced the death of the elephant +Hannibal, at Canton, and accompanied the announcement with a short +sketch of that remarkable animal. We happened to be familiar with +several interesting incidents in the private life of Hannibal, and +our sketch was copied by almost every paper in America and by +several European journals. A few months ago a "traveled" friend +showed us the sketch in a Parisian journal, and possibly it is +"going the rounds" of the Chinese papers by this time. A few days +after we had printed his obituary Hannibal came to town with Van +Amburgh's Menagerie, and the same type which killed the monster +restored him to life again. + +About once a year Hannibal + + "Gets on a spree, + And goes bobbin around." + +to make a short quotation from a once popular ballad. These sprees, +in fact, "is what's the matter with him." + +The other day, in Williamsburg, Long Island, he broke loose in the +canvas, emptied most of the cages, and tore through the town like a +mammoth pestilence. An extensive crowd of athletic men, by jabbing +him with spears and pitchforks, and coiling big ropes around his +legs, succeeded in capturing him. The animals he had set free were +caught and restored to their cages without much difficulty. + +We doubt if we shall ever forget our first view of Hannibal--which +was also our first view of any elephant--of THE elephant, in short. +It was at the close of a sultry day in June, 18--. The sun had +spent its fury and was going to rest among the clouds of gold and +crimson. A solitary horseman might have been seen slowly ascending +a long hill in a New England town. That solitary horseman was us, +and we were mounted on the old white mare. Two bags were strapped +to the foaming steed. That was before we became wealthy, and of +course we are not ashamed to say that we had been to mill, and +consequently THEM bags contained flour and middlins. Presently a +large object appeared at the top of the hill. We had heard of the +devil, and had been pretty often told that he would have a clear +deed and title to us before long, but had never heard him painted +like the object which met our gaze at the top of that hill on the +close of sultry day in June. Concluding (for we were a mere youth) +that it was an eccentric whale, who had come ashore near North +Yarmouth, and was making a tour through the interior on wheels, we +hastily turned our steed and made for the mill at a rapid rate. +Once we threw over ballast, after the manner of balloonists, and as +the object gained on us we cried aloud for our parents. Fortunately +we reached the mill in safety, and the object passed at a furious +rate, with a portion of a woodshed on its back. It was Hannibal, +who had run away from a neighboring town, taking a shed with him. + + . . . . . + +DRANK STANDIN.--Col. -- is a big "railroad man." He attended a +railroad supper once. Champagne flowed freely, and the Colonel got +more than his share. Speeches were made after the removal of the +cloth. Somebody arose and eulogized the Colonel in the steepest +possible manner--called him great, good, patriotic, enterprising, +&c., &c. The speaker was here interrupted by the illustrious +Colonel himself, who arising with considerable difficulty, and +beaming benevolently around the table, gravely said, "Let's (hic) +drink that sedimunt standin!" It was done. + + +1.48. HOW THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS WAS SOLD. + +We have read a great many stories of which Winchell, the great wit +and mimic, was the hero, showing always how neatly and entirely he +sold somebody. Any one who is familiar with Winchell's wonderful +powers of mimicry cannot doubt that these stories are all +substantially true. But there is one instance which we will relate, +or perish in the attempt, where the jolly Winchell was himself sold. +The other evening, while he was conversing with several gentlemen at +one of the hotels, a dilapidated individual reeled into the room and +halted in front of the stove, where he made wild and unsuccessful +efforts to maintain a firm position. He evidently had spent the +evening in marching torchlight processions of forty-rod whisky down +his throat, and at this particular time was decidedly and +disreputably drunk. With a sly wink to the crowd, as much as to +say, "We'll have some fun with this individual," Winchell assumed a +solemn face, and in a ghostly voice said to one of the company: + +"The poor fellow we were speaking of is dead!" + +"No?" said the individual addressed. + +"Yes," said Winchell; "you know both of his eyes were gouged out, +his nose was chawed off, and both of his arms were torn out at the +roots. Of course, he could'nt recover." + +This was all said for the benefit of the drunken man, who was +standing, or trying to stand, within a few feet of Winchell; but he +took no sort of notice of it, and was apparently ignorant of the +celebrated delineator's presence. Again Winchell endeavored to +attract his attention, but utterly failed as before. In a few +moments the drunken man staggered out of the room. + +"I can generally have a little fun with a drunken man," said +Winchell, "but it is no go in this case." + +"I suppose you know what ails the man who just went out?" said the +"gentlemanly host." + +"I perceive he is alarmingly inebriated," said Winchell; "does +anything else ail him?" + +"Yes," said the host, "HE'S DEAF AND DUMB!" + +This was true. There was a "larf," and Winchell, with the remark +that he was sorry to see a disposition in that assemblage "to +deceive an orphan," called for a light and went gravely to bed. + + +1.49. ON AUTUMN. + +Poets are wont to apostrophize the leafy month of June, and there is +no denying that if Spring is "some," June is Summer. But there is a +gorgeous magnificence about the habiliments of Nature, and a teeming +fruitfulness upon her lap during the autumnal months, and we must +confess we have always felt genially inclined towards this season. +It is true, when we concentrate our field of vision to the minute +garniture of earth, we no longer observe the beautiful petals, nor +inhale the fragrance of a gay parterre of the "floral epistles" and +"angel-like collections" which Longfellow (we believe) so +graphically describes, and which Shortfellows so fantastically carry +about in their buttonholes; but we have all their tints reproduced +upon a higher and broader canvas in the kaleidoscopic colors with +which the sky and the forest daily enchant us, and the beautiful and +luscious fruits which Autumn spreads out before us, and + + "Crowns the rich promise of the opening Spring." + +In another point of view Autumn is suggestive of pleasant +reflections. The wearying, wasting heat of Summer, and the deadly +blasts with which her breath has for some years been freighted, are +past, and the bracing north winds begin to bring balm and healing on +their wings. The hurly-burly of travel, and most sorts of publicity +(except newspapers), are fast playing out, and we can once more hope +to see our friends and relations in the happy sociality of home and +fireside enjoyments. Yielding, as we do, the full force to which +Autumn is seriously entitled, or rather to the serious reflections +and admonitions which the decay of Nature and the dying year always +inspire, and admitting the poet's decade-- + + "Leaves have their time to fall, + And stars to set,--but all, + Thou hast all seasons for thine own, O Death!" + +There is a brighter Autumn beyond, and brighter opening years to +those who choose them rather than dead leaves and bitter fruits. +Thus we can conclude tranquilly with Bryant, as we began gaily with +another-- + + "So live, that when thy summons comes to join + The innumerable caravan, which moves + To that mysterious realm, where each shall take + His chamber in the silent halls of death, + Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night, + Scourged to his dungeon; but, sustained and soothed + By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave + Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch + About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams." + + +1.50. PAYING FOR HIS PROVENDER BY PRAYING. + +We have no intention of making fun of serious matters in telling the +following story; we merely relate a fact. + +There is a rule at Oberlin College that no student shall board at +any house where prayers are not regularly made each day. A certain +man fitted up a boarding-house and filled it with boarders, but +forgot, until the eleventh hour, the prayer proviso. Not being a +praying man himself, he looked around for one who was. At length he +found one--a meek young man from Trumbull County--who agreed to pay +for his board in praying. For a while all went smoothly, but the +boarding-master furnished his table so poorly that the boarders +began to grumble and to leave, and the other morning the praying +boarder actually "struck!" Something like the following dialogue +occurred at the table:-- + +LANDLORD.--Will you pray, Mr. Mild? + +MILD.--No, sir, I will not. + +LANDLORD.--Why not, Mr. Mild? + +MILD.--It don't pay, sir. I can't pray on such victuals as these. +And unless you bind yourself in writing to set a better table than +you have for the last three weeks, NARY ANOTHER PRAYER YOU GET OUT +OF ME! + +And that's the way the matter stood at latest advices. + + +1.51. HUNTING TROUBLE. + +Hunting trouble is too fashionable in this world. Contentment and +jollity are not cultivated as they should be. There are too many +prematurely-wrinkled long and melancholy faces among us. There is +too much swearing, sweating and slashing, fuming, foaming and +fretting around and about us all. + + "A mad world, my masters." + +People rush outdoors bareheaded and barefooted, as it were, and dash +blindly into all sorts of dark alleys in quest of all sorts of +Trouble, when, "Goodness knows," if they will only sit calmly and +pleasantly by their firesides, Trouble will knock soon enough at +their doors. + +Hunting Trouble is bad business. If we ever are induced to descend +from our present proud position to become a member of the +Legislature, or ever accumulate sufficient muscle, impudence, and +taste for bad liquor to go to Congress, we shall introduce "a +william" for the suppression of Trouble-hunting. We know Miss +Slinkins, who incessantly frets because Miss Slurkins is better +harnessed than she is, won't like it; and we presume the Simpkinses, +who worry so much because the Perkinses live in a freestone-fronted +house whilst theirs is only plain brick, won't like it also. It is +doubtful, too, whether our long-haired friends the Reformers (who +think the machinery of the world is all out of joint, while we think +it only needs a little greasing to run in first-rate style), will +approve the measure. It is probable, indeed, that very many +societies, of a reformatory (and inflammatory) character, would +frown upon the measure. But the measure would be a good one +nevertheless. + +Never hunt Trouble. However dead a shot one may be, the gun he +carries on such expeditions is sure to kick or go off half-cocked. +Trouble will come soon enough, and when he does come, receive him as +pleasantly as possible. Like the tax-collector, he is a disagreeable +chap to have in one's house, but the more amiably you greet him the +sooner he will go away. + + +1.52. DARK DOINGS. + +Four promising young men of this city attended a ball in the rural +districts not long since. At a late hour they retired, leaving word +with the clerk of the hotel to call them early in the morning, as +they wanted to take the first train home. The clerk was an old +friend of the "fellers," and he thought he would have a slight joke +at their expense. So he burnt some cork, and, with a sponge, +blacked the faces of his city friends after they had got soundly +asleep. In the morning he called them about ten minutes before the +train came along. Feller No. 1 awoke and laughed boisterously at +the sight which met his gaze. But he saw through it--the clerk had +played his good joke on his three comrades, and of course he would +keep mum. But it was a devilish good joke. Feller No. 2 awoke, saw +the three black men in the room, comprehended the joke, and laughed +vociferously. But he would keep mum. Fellers No. 3 and 4 awoke, +and experienced the same pleasant feeling; and there was the +beautiful spectacle of four nice young men laughing heartily one at +another, each one supposing the "urban clerk" had spared him in his +cork-daubing operations. They had only time to dress before the +train arrived. They all got aboard, each thinking what a glorious +joke it was to have his three companions go back to town with black +faces. The idea was so rich that they all commenced laughing +violently as soon as they got aboard the cars. The other passengers +took to laughing also, and fun raged fast and furious, until the +benevolent baggage-man, seeing how matters stood, brought a small +pocket-glass and handed it around to the young men. They suddenly +stopped laughing, rushed wildly for the baggage-car, washed their +faces, and amused and instructed each other during the remainder of +the trip with some eloquent flashes of silence. + + +1.53. REPORTERS. + +The following paragraph is going the rounds:--"How many a great man +is now basking in the sunshine of fame generously bestowed upon him +by the prolific genius of some reporter! How many stupid orations +have been made brilliant, how many wandering, pointless, objectless, +speeches put in form and rendered at least readable, by the unknown +reporter! How many a disheartened speaker, who was conscious the +night before of a failure, before a thin, cold, spiritless audience, +awakes delighted to learn that he has addressed an overwhelming +assemblage of his enthusiastic, appreciating fellow-citizens, to +find his speech sparkling with 'cheers,' breaking out into 'immense +applause,' and concluding amidst 'the wildest excitement!'" + +There is considerable truth in the above, we are sorry to state. +Reporters are too apt to smooth over and give a fair face to the +stupidity and bombast of political and other public humbugs. For +this they are not only seldom thanked, but frequently are kicked. +Of course this sort of thing is wrong. A Reporter should be +independent enough to meet the approaches of gentlemen of the +Nincompoop persuasion with a flat rebuff. He should never gloss +over a political humbug, whether he belongs to "our side" or not. +He is not thanked for doing it, and, furthermore, he loses the +respect and confidence of his readers. There are many amiable +gentlemen ornamenting the various walks of life, who are under the +impression that for a dozen bad cigars or a few drinks of worse +whisky they can purchase the "opinion" of almost any Reporter. It +has been our pleasure on several occasions to disabuse those +gentlemen of this impression. + +Should another occasion of this kind ever offer, we feel that we +should be "adequate" to treat it in a similar manner. A Reporter, +we modestly submit, is as good as anybody, and ought to feel that he +is, everywhere and at all times. For one, let us quietly and +without any show of vanity remark, that we are not only just as good +as anybody else, but a great deal better than many we know of. We +love God and hate Indians: pay our debts; support the Constitution +of the United States; go in for Progress, Sunshine, Calico, and +other luxuries; are perfectly satisfied and happy, and wouldn't swop +"sits" with the President, Louis Napoleon, the Emperor of China, +Sultan of Turkey, Brigham Young, or Nicholas Longworth. Success to +us! + + +1.54. HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER IN HIS POCKET. + +L-- lived in this city several years ago. He dealt in horses, +carriages, &c. Hearing of a good chance to sell buggies up West, he +embarked with a lot for that "great" country. At Toledo he took a +Michigan Southern train. Somebody had by way of a joke, warned him +against the conductor of that particular train, telling him that +said conductor had an eccentric way of taking up tickets at the +beginning of the journey, and of denying that he had done so and +demanding fare at the end thereof. This the confiding L-- +swallowed. He determined not to be swindled in this way, and so +when the conductor came around and asked him for his ticket he +declined giving up. The conductor insisted. L-- still refused. + +"I've got the little voucher in my pocket," he said, with a knowing +look, slily slapping the pocket which contained the ticket. + +The conductor glanced at L--'s stalwart frame. He had heard L-- +spoken of as a fighting man. He preferred not to grapple with him. +The train was a light one, and it so happened that L-- was the only +man in this, the hind car. So the conductor had the train stopped, +and quietly unhitched this car. + +"Good day, Mr. L," he yelled; "just keep that little voucher in your +pocket, and be d--d to you!" + +L-- jumped up and saw the other cars moving rapidly away. He was +left solitary and alone, in a dismal piece of woods known as the +Black Swamp. He remained there in the car until night, when the +down-train came along and took him to Toledo. He had to pay fare, +his up through-ticket not being good on that train. His buggies had +gone unattended to Chicago. He was very angry. He finally got +through, but he will never hear the last of that "little voucher." + + +1.55. THE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCTOR. + +Few have any idea of the trials and tribulations of the railway +conductor--"the gentlemanly conductor," as one-horse newspapers +delight in styling him. Unless you are gifted with the patience of +the lamented Job, who, tradition informs us, had "biles" all over +his body, and didn't swear once, never go for a Conductor, me boy! + +The other evening we enlivened a railroad car with our brilliant +presence. Starting time was not quite up, and the passengers were +amusing themselves by laughing, swearing, singing, and talking, +according to their particular fancy. The Conductor came in, and the +following were a few of the questions put to him:--One old fellow, +who was wrapped up in a horse-blanket, and who apparently had about +two pounds of pigtail in his mouth, wanted to know, "What pint of +compass the keers was travelin in?" An old lady, surrounded by +band-boxes and enveloped in flannels, wanted to know what time +the eight o'clock train left Rock Island for "Dubu-kue?" A +carroty-haired young man wanted to know if "free omyibuses" ran +from the cars to the taverns in Toledo? A tall, razor-faced +individual, evidently from the interior of Connecticut, desired to +know if "conductin" paid as well eout West as it did deoun in his +country; and a portly, close-shaven man with round keen eyes, and +in whose face you could read the interest-table, asked the price of +corner lots in Omaha. These and many other equally absurd questions +the conductor answered calmly and in a resigned manner. And we +shuddered as we thought how he would have to answer a similar string +of questions in each of the three cars ahead. + + +1.56. MORALITY AND GENIUS. + +We see it gravely stated in a popular Metropolitan journal that +"true genius goes hand in hand, necessarily, with morality." The +statement is not a startlingly novel one. It has been made, +probably, about sixty thousand times before. But it is untrue and +foolish. We wish genius and morality were affectionate companions, +but it is a fact that they are often bitter enemies. They don't +necessarily coalesce any more than oil and water do! Innumerable +instances may be readily produced in support of this proposition. +Nobody doubts that Sheridan had genius, yet he was a sad dog. Mr. +Byron, the author of Childe Harold "and other poems," was a man of +genius, we think, yet Mr. Byron was a fearfully fast man. Edgar A. +Poe wrote magnificent poetry and majestic prose, but he was, in +private life, hardly the man for small and select tea parties. +We fancy Sir Richard Steele was a man of genius, but he got +disreputably drunk, and didn't pay his debts. Swift had genius--an +immense lot of it--yet Swift was a cold-blooded, pitiless, bad man. +The catalogue might be spun out to any length, but it were useless +to do it. We don't mean to intimate that men of genius must +necessarily be sots and spendthrifts--we merely speak of the fact +that very many of them have been both, and in some instances much +worse than both. Still we can't well see (though some think they +can) how the pleasure and instruction people derive from reading the +productions of these great lights is diminished because their morals +were "lavishly loose." They might have written better had their +private lives been purer, but of this nobody can determine for the +pretty good reason that nobody knows. + +So with actors. We have seen people stay away from the theater +because Mrs. Grundy said the star of the evening invariably retired +to his couch in a state of extreme inebriety. If the star is +afflicted with a weakness of this kind, we may regret it. We may +pity or censure the star. But we must still acknowledge the star's +genius, and applaud it. Hence we conclude that the chronic weakness +of actors no more affects the question of the propriety of +patronizing theatrical representations, than the profligacy of +journeymen shoemakers affects the question of the propriety of +wearing boots. All of which is respectfully submitted. + + +1.57. ROUGH BEGINNING OF THE HONEYMOON. + +On last Friday morning an athletic young farmer in the town of +Waynesburg took a fair girl, "all bathed in blushes," from her +parents, and started for the first town across the Pennsylvania line +to be married, where the ceremony could be performed without a +license. The happy pair were accompanied by a sister of the girl, a +tall, gaunt, and sharp-featured female of some thirty-seven summers. +The pair crossed the line, were married, and returned to Wellsville +to pass the night. People at the hotel where the wedding party +stopped observed that they conducted themselves in a rather singular +manner. The husband would take his sister-in-law, the tall female +aforesaid, into one corner of the parlor and talk earnestly to her +gesticulating wildly the while. Then the tall female would "put her +foot down" and talk to him in an angry and excited manner. Then the +husband would take his fair young bride into a corner, but he could +no sooner commence talking to her than the gaunt sister would rush +in between them and angrily join in the conversation. The people at +the hotel ascertained what all this meant about 9 o'clock that +evening. There was an uproar in the room which had been assigned to +the newly married couple. Female shrieks and masculine "swears" +startled the people at the hotel, and they rushed to the spot. The +gaunt female was pressing and kicking against the door of the room, +and the newly-married man, mostly undressed, was barring her out +with all his might. Occasionally she would kick the door far enough +open to disclose the stalwart husband, in his Gentleman Greek Slave +apparel. It appeared that the tall female insisted upon occupying +the same room with the newly-wedded pair; that her sister was +favorably disposed to the arrangement, and that the husband had +agreed to it before the wedding took place, and was now indignantly +repudiating the contract. "Won't you go away now, Susan, peaceful?" +said the newly-married man, softening his voice. + +"No," said she, "I won't--so there!" + +"Don't you budge an inch!" cried the married sister within the room. + +"Now--now, Maria," said the young man to his wife, in a piteous +tone, "don't go for to cuttin' up in this way; now don't!" + +"I'll cut up's much I wanter!" she sharply replied. + +"Well," roared the desperate man, throwing the door wide open and +stalking out among the crowd, "well, jest you two wimin put on your +duds and go right straight home and bring back the old man and +woman, and your grandfather, who is nigh on to a hundred; bring 'em +all here, AND I'LL MARRY THE WHOLE D--D CABOODLE OF 'EM AND WE'LL +ALL SLEEP TOGETHER!" + +The difficulty was finally adjusted by the tall female taking a room +alone. Wellsville is enjoying itself over the "sensation." + + +1.58. A COLORED MAN OF THE NAME OF JEFFRIES. + +One beautiful day last August, Mr. Elmer of East Cleveland, sent his +hired colored man, of the name of Jeffries, to town with a two-horse +wagon to get a load of lime. Mr. Elmer gave Jeffries 5 dollars with +which to pay for the lime. The horses were excellent ones, by the +way, nicely matched, and more than commonly fast. The colored man +of the name of Jeffries came to town and drove to the Johnson Street +Station where he encountered a frail young woman of the name of +Jenkins, who had just been released from jail, where she had been +confined for naughtical conduct (drugging and robbing a sailor). +"Will you fly with me, adorable Jenkins?" he unto her did say, "or +words to that effect," and unto him in reply she did up and say: +"My African brother, I will. Spirit," she continued, alluding to a +stone jug under the seat in the wagon, "I follow!" Then into the +two-horse wagon this fair maiden got and knavely telling the +"perlice," to embark by the first packet for an unromantic land +where the climate is intensely tropical, and where even Laplanders, +who like fire, get more of a good thing than they want--doing and +saying thus the woman of the name of Jenkins mounted the seat with +the colored man of the sweet name of Jeffries; and so these two +sweet, gushing children of nature rode gaily away. Away towards the +setting sun. Away towards Indiana--bright land of cheap whisky and +corn doin's! + + +1.59. NAMES. + +Any name which is suggestive of a joke, however poor the joke may +be, is often a nuisance. We were once "confined" in a printing- +office with a man named Snow. Everybody who came in was bound to +have a joke about Snow. If it was Summer the mad wags would say we +ought to be cold, for we had Snow there all the time--which was a +fact, though we sometimes wished Snow was where he would speedily +melt. Not that we didn't like Snow. Far from it. His name was +what disgusted us. It was also once our misfortune to daily mingle +with a man named Berry, we can't tell how many million times we +heard him called Elderberry, Raspberry, Blueberry, Huckleberry, +Gooseberry, &c. The thing nearly made him deranged. He joined the +filibusters and has made energetic efforts to get shot but had not +succeeded at last accounts, although we hear he has been "slewd" +numerously. There is a good deal in a name, our usually correct +friend W. Shakespeare to the contrary notwithstanding. + +Our own name is, unfortunately, one on which jokes, such as they +are, can be made, we cannot present a tabular statement of the times +we have done things brown (in the opinion of partial friends) or +have been asked if we were related to the eccentric old slave and +horse "liberator," whose recent Virginia Reel has attracted so much +of the public attention. Could we do so the array of figures would +be appalling. And sometimes we think we will accept the first good +offer of marriage that is made to us, for the purpose of changing +our unhappy name, setting other interesting considerations entirely +aside. + + +1.60. HE FOUND HE WOULD. + +Several years ago Bill McCracken lived in Peru, Indiana. (We were +in Peru several years ago, and it was a nice place we DON'T think.) +Mr. McCracken was a screamer, and had whipped all the recognized +fighting men on the Wabash. One day somebody told him that Jack +Long, blacksmith of Logansport, said he would give him (McCracken) a +protracted fit of sickness if he would just come down there and +smell of his bones. The McCracken at once laid in a stock of +provisions, consisting of whisky in glass and chickens in the shell, +and started for Logansport. In a few days, he was brought home in a +bunged-up condition, on a cot-bed. One eye was gouged out, a +portion of his nose was chawed off, his left arm was in a sling, his +head was done up in an old rag, and he was pretty badly off himself. +He was set down in the village bar-room, and turning to the crowd +he, in a feeble voice, said, hot tears bedewing his face the while, +"Boys, you know Jack Long said if I'd come down to Loginsput he'd +whale h--ll out of me; and boys, you know I didn't believe it, but +I've been down thar and I FOUND HE WOULD." + +He recovered after a lapse of years and led a better life. As he +said himself, he returned from Logansport a changed man. + + +1.61. "BURIAL IN RICHMOND AND RESURRECTION IN BOSTON." + +A drama with this title, written by a colored citizen (an artist by +profession), the characters being performed by colored citizens, was +played at the Melodeon last evening. There were several white +persons present, though most of the audience were colored. The +great variety of colors made a gay, and indeed we may say gorgeous +spectacle. + +A hasty sketch of this great moral production may not be +uninteresting. Act 1st, scene 1st, discloses a log-cabin, with +fifteen minutes' intermission between each log. "William, a +spirited slave," and "John, the obedient slave," are in the cabin. +William, the spirited slave, says he will be free, "Why," says +William, "am I here thus? Was this frame made to be in bondage? +Shall THESE voices be hushed? Never, never, never!" "Oh, don't say +it thus," says John, the obedient slave, "for thus it should not be. +An' I tole ye what it was, now, jes take keer of them pistiles or +they'll work yer ruins. Mind what I say, Wilyim. As for me I shall +stay here with my dear Julia!" (Immense applause). "And so it has +come to this, ha?" said William, the spirited slave, standing +himself up and brandishing his arms in a terrific manner. "And so +it has come to this, ha? And this is a free land, so it has come to +this--to this--TO THIS." William appeared to be somewhat confused +at this point, but a wealthy newsboy in the audience helped him out +by crying, "or any other man." John and William then embraced, +bitter tears moistening their manly breasts. "Farwel, Wilyim," said +John, the obedient slave, "and bless you, bless you, me child." The +spirited slave walks off and the obedient slave falls into a swoon. +Tableau: The Goddess of Liberty appears in a mackinaw blanket and +pours incense on the obedient slave. A member of the orchestra gets +up and softly warbles on a bass drum. Angels are heard singing in +the distance. Curtain falls, the audience being soaking wet with +tears. + +Act 2, scene first, discloses the house of Mr. Lyons, a slaveholder +in Virginia. Mr. Lyons, as we learn by the play, is "a member of +the Whig Congress." He learns that William, his spirited slave, has +escaped. This makes him very angry, and he says he will break every +bone in William's body. He goes out and searches for William, but +cannot find him, and comes back. He takes a heavy drink, is +stricken with remorse, and declares his intention to become a nun. +John, the obedient slave, comes in and asks permission to marry +Julia. Mr. Lyons says, certainly, by all means, and preparations +are made for the wedding. + +The wedding takes place. The scene that follows is rather +incomprehensible. A young mariner has a clandestine interview with +the obedient slave, and receives 10 dollars to make a large box. An +elderly mariner, not that mariner, but another mariner--rushes madly +in and fires a horse-pistol into the air. He wheels and is about +going off, when a black Octoroon rushes madly in and fires another +horse-pistol at the retreating mariner, who falls. He says he is +going to make a die of it. Says he should have acted differently if +he had only done otherwise, which was right, or else it wouldn't be +so. He forgets his part and don't say anything more, but he wraps +himself up in the American flag and expires like a son of a +gentleman. More warblings on the bass drum. The rest of the +orchestra endeavor to accompany the drum, but are so deeply affected +that they can't. There is a death-like stillness in the house. All +was so still that had a cannon been fired off it could have been +distinctly seen. + +The next scene discloses a large square box. Several colored +persons are seen standing round the square box. The mariner who was +killed in the last scene commences knocking off the cover of the +box. He pulls the cover off, and up jumps the obedient slave and +his wife! The obedient slave and his dear Julia fall out of the +box. Great applause. They rush to the footlights and kneel. Quick +music by the orchestra, in which the bass drum don't warble so much +as she did. "I'm free! I'M FREE! I'M FREE!!" shrieks the obedient +slave, "O I'm free!" The stage is suddenly lighted up in a gorgeous +manner. The obedient slave and his dear Julia continue kneeling. +The dead mariner blesses them. The Goddess of Liberty appears +again--this time in a beaver overcoat--and pours some more incense +on the obedient slave. An allegorical picture of Virtue appears in +a red vest and military boots, on the left proscenium, John Brown +the barber appears as Lady Macbeth, and says there is a blue tinge +into his nails, and consequently he is an Octoroon. Another actor +wants to define his position on the Euclid Street improvement, but +is hissed down. Curtain descends amidst the admiring shouts of the +audience, red fire, music, and the violent assertion of the obedient +slave that he is free. + +The play will not be repeated this evening, as was announced. The +notice will be given of its next performance. It is the greatest +effort of the kind that we ever witnessed. + + +1.62. A MAYORALTY ELECTION. + +Messrs. Senter and Coffinberry, two esteemed citizens, are the +candidates. Here's a faint attempt at a specimen scene. An +innocent German is discovered about half a mile from the polls of +this or that ward. A dozen ticket-peddlers scent him ("even as the +war-horse snuffs the battle," etc.), see him, and make a grand rush +for him. They surround him, each shoves a bunch of tickets under +his nose, and all commence bellowing in his ears. Here's the ticket +yer want--Coffinberry. Here's Senterberry and Coffinter. What the +h--l yer tryin' to fool the man for? Don't yer spose he knows who +he wants ter vote for, say! 'Ere's the ticket--Sen--Coff--don't +crowd--get off my toes, you d--d fool! Workin' men's tickets is the +ticket you want! To h--l wid yez workin' men's ticket, 'ere's the +ticket yez want! No, by Cot, vote for Shorge B. Senter--he says +he'll py all the peer for dems as votes for him as much more dan dey +can trinks, by tam! Senter be d--d! Go for Coffinberry! +Coffinberry was killed eight times in the Mexican war, and is in +favor of justice and Pop'lar Sovrinty! Oh gos! Senter was at the +battle of Tippe-ca-noo, scalped twelve Injuns and wrote a treatise +in Horse-shoeing! Don't go for Coffinberry. He's down on all the +Dutch, and swears he'll have all their heads chopped off and run +into sausages if he's lected. Do you know what George B. Senter +says about the Germans? He says by -- they're in the habit of +stealing LIVE American infants and hashing 'em up into head cheese. +By --! That's a lie! T'aint--I heard that say so with my own +mouth. Let the man alone--stop yer pullin--I'll bust yer ear for +yer yet. My Cot, my Cot, what tam dimes dese 'lections is. Well +yez crowd a poor Jarman till death, yer d--d spalpanes, yez? Sen-- +Coff--Senterberry and Coffinter--Working Men's--Repub--Dem-whoop-h- +l-whooray-bully-y-e-o-u-c-h!! + +The strongest side got the unfortunate German's vote and he went +sore and bleeding home and satisfied, no doubt, that this is a great +country, and that the American Eagle will continue to be a deeply +interesting bird while his wings are in the hands of patriots like +the above. Scenes like the above (only our description is very +imperfect) were played over and over again, at every ward in the +city, yesterday. Let us be thankful that the country is safe--but +we should like to see some of the ward politicians gauged to-day, +for we are confident the operation would exhibit an astonishing +depth of whiskey. + +Hurrah for the Bar--Stangled Spanner! + + +1.63. FISHING EXCURSION. + +The Leviathan, Capt. Wm. Sholl, left the foot of Superior Street at +6 o'clock yesterday morning for a fishing excursion down the lake. +There were about twenty persons in the party, and we think we never +saw a more lovely lot of men. The noble craft swept majestically +out of the Cuyahoga into the lake, and as she sped past a retired +coal-dealer's office the Usher borrowed our pocket-handkerchief +(which in the excess of his emotion he forgot to return to us) to +wipe away four large tears which trickled from his light bay eyes. +On dashed the Leviathan at the rate of about forty-five knots an +hour. The fishing-ground reached, the clarion voice of Sholl was +heard to ejaculate, "Reef home the jib-boom, shorten the main-brace, +splice the forecastle, and throw the hurricane-deck overboard! +Lively, my lads!" "Aye, aye, Sir!" said Marsh the chaplain of the +expedition, in tones of thunder, and the gallant party sprang to +execute the Captain's orders, the agile form of first-officer +Hilliard being especially conspicuous in reefing the jib-boom. +Lines were cast and the sport commenced. It seemed as if all the +fish in the lake knew of our coming, and had collected in that +particular spot for the express purpose of being caught! What teeth +they had--sufficiently good, certainly, to bite a cartridge or +anything else. The Usher caught the first fish--a small but +beautiful bass, whose weight was about three inches and a half. The +Usher was elated at this streak of luck, but his hand did not +tremble and he continued to hand in fish until at noon he had caught +thirteen firkins full and he announced that he should fish no more. +Cruelty was no part of his nature and he did not think it right to +slaughter fish in this way. Cross, Barney, and the rest, were +immensely successful, and hauled in tremendous quantities of bass, +perch, Mackinaw trout, and Connecticut shad. Bone didn't catch a +fish, and we shall never forget the sorrowful manner in which the +poor fellow gazed upon our huge pile of beautiful bass which +occupied all of the quarter deck and a large portion of the +forcastle. Having fished enough the party went ashore, where they +found Ab. McIlrath (who was fanning himself with a barn door), the +grand Commandant (who in a sonorous voice requested the parties, as +they alighted from the small boats, to "Keep their heads out of +water"), the General (who was discussing with the Doctor the +propriety of annexing East Cleveland to the United States), and +several distinguished gentlemen from town, who had come down with +life-preservers and ginger pop. After disposing of a sumptuous +lunch, the party amused and instructed each other by conversation, +and about 3 o'clock the shrill whistle of the Leviathan was sounded +by Mike the urbane and accomplished engineer, and the party were +soon homeward bound. It was a good time. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, Part 1 + |