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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Holes and John Smith, by Edward W. Ludwig
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Holes and John Smith
+
+Author: Edward W. Ludwig
+
+Illustrator: Kelly Freas
+
+Release Date: June 3, 2010 [EBook #32667]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HOLES AND JOHN SMITH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Greg Weeks and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+
+This etext was produced from IF Worlds of Science Fiction June 1954.
+Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright
+on this publication was renewed.
+
+
+
+
+
+ _He was something out of a nightmare but his music was straight from
+ heaven. He was a ragged little man out of a hole but he was money in
+ the bank to Stanley's four-piece combo. He was_--whoops!...
+
+
+ The HOLES and JOHN SMITH
+
+ By Edward W. Ludwig
+
+ Illustration by Kelly Freas
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It all began on a Saturday night at _The Space Room_. If you've seen
+any recent Martian travel folders, you know the place: "A picturesque
+oasis of old Martian charm, situated on the beauteous Grand Canal in
+the heart of Marsport. Only half a mile from historic Chandler Field,
+landing site of the first Martian expedition nearly fifty years ago in
+1990. A visitor to the hotel, lunch room or cocktail lounge will
+thrill at the sight of hardy space pioneers mingling side by side with
+colorful Martian tribesmen. An evening at _The Space Room_ is an
+amazing, unforgettable experience."
+
+Of course, the folders neglect to add that the most amazing aspect is
+the scent of the Canal's stagnant water--and that the most
+unforgettable experience is seeing the "root-of-all-evil" evaporate
+from your pocketbook like snow from the Great Red Desert.
+
+We were sitting on the bandstand of the candle-lit cocktail lounge.
+Me--Jimmie Stanley--and my four-piece combo. Maybe you've seen our
+motto back on Earth: "The Hottest Music This Side of Mercury."
+
+But there weren't four of us tonight. Only three. Ziggy, our bass
+fiddle man, had nearly sliced off two fingers while opening a can of
+Saturnian ice-fish, thus decreasing the number of our personnel by a
+tragic twenty-five per cent.
+
+Which was why Ke-teeli, our boss, was descending upon us with all the
+grace of an enraged Venusian vinosaur.
+
+"Where ees museek?" he shrilled in his nasal tenor. He was almost
+skeleton thin, like most Martians, and so tall that if he fell down
+he'd be half way home.
+
+I gulped. "Our bass man can't be here, but we've called the Marsport
+local for another. He'll be here any minute."
+
+Ke-teeli, sometimes referred to as Goon-Face and The Eye, leered
+coldly down at me from his eight-foot-three. His eyes were like black
+needle points set deep in a mask of dry, ancient, reddish leather.
+
+"Ees no feedle man, ees no job," he squeaked.
+
+I sighed. This was the week our contract ended. Goon-Face had
+displayed little enough enthusiasm for our music as it was. His
+comments were either, "Ees too loud, too fast," or "Ees too slow, too
+soft." The real cause of his concern being, I suspected, the
+infrequency with which his cash register tinkled.
+
+"But," I added, "even if the new man doesn't come, _we're_ still here.
+We'll play for you." I glanced at the conglomeration of uniformed
+spacemen, white-suited tourists, and loin-clothed natives who sat at
+ancient stone tables. "You wouldn't want to disappoint your customers,
+would you?"
+
+Ke-teeli snorted. "Maybe ees better dey be deesappointed. Ees better
+no museek den bad museek."
+
+Fat Boy, our clarinetist who doubles on Martian horn-harp, made a
+feeble attempt at optimism. "Don't worry, Mr. Ke-teeli. That new bass
+man will be here."
+
+"Sure," said Hammer-Head, our red-haired vibro-drummer. "I think I
+hear him coming now."
+
+Suspiciously, Ke-teeli eyed the entrance. There was only silence. His
+naked, parchment-like chest swelled as if it were an expanding
+balloon.
+
+"Five meenutes!" he shrieked. "Eef no feedle, den you go!" And he
+whirled away.
+
+We waited.
+
+Fat Boy's two hundred and eighty-odd pounds were drooped over his
+chair like the blubber of an exhausted, beach-stranded whale.
+
+"Well," he muttered, "there's always the uranium pits of Neptune.
+Course, you don't live more than five years there--"
+
+"Maybe we could make it back to Lunar City," suggested Hammer-Head.
+
+"Using what for fare?" I asked. "Your brains?"
+
+Hammer-Head groaned. "No. I guess it'll have to be the black pits of
+Neptune. The home of washed-up interplanetary musicians. It's too
+bad. We're so young, too."
+
+The seconds swept by. Ke-teeli was casting his razor-edged glare in
+our direction. I brushed the chewed finger nails from the keyboard of
+my electronic piano.
+
+Then it happened.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+From the entrance of _The Space Room_ came a thumping and a grating
+and a banging. Suddenly, sweeping across the dance floor like a cold
+wind, was a bass fiddle, an enormous black monstrosity, a refugee from
+a pawnbroker's attic. It was queerly shaped. It was too tall, too
+wide. It was more like a monstrous, midnight-black hour-glass than a
+bass.
+
+The fiddle was not unaccompanied as I'd first imagined. Behind it,
+streaking over the floor in a waltz of agony, was a little guy, an
+animated matchstick with a flat, broad face that seemed to have been
+compressed in a vice. His sandcolored mop of hair reminded me of a
+field of dry grass, the long strands forming loops that flanked the
+sides of his face.
+
+His pale blue eyes were watery, like twin pools of fog. His
+tightfitting suit, as black as the bass, was something off a park
+bench. It was impossible to guess his age. He could have been anywhere
+between twenty and forty.
+
+The bass thumped down upon the bandstand.
+
+"Hello," he puffed. "I'm John Smith, from the Marsport union." He
+spoke shrilly and rapidly, as if anxious to conclude the routine of
+introductions. "I'm sorry I'm late, but I was working on my plan."
+
+A moment's silence.
+
+"Your plan?" I echoed at last.
+
+"How to get back home," he snapped as if I should have known it
+already.
+
+Hummm, I thought.
+
+My gaze turned to the dance floor. Goon-Face had his eyes on us, and
+they were as cold as six Indians going South.
+
+"We'll talk about your plan at intermission," I said, shivering. "Now,
+we'd better start playing. John, do you know _On An Asteroid With
+You_?"
+
+"I know _everything_," said John Smith.
+
+I turned to my piano with a shudder. I didn't dare look at that
+horrible fiddle again. I didn't dare think what kind of soul-chilling
+tones might emerge from its ancient depths.
+
+And I didn't dare look again at the second monstrosity, the one named
+John Smith. I closed my eyes and plunged into a four-bar intro.
+
+Hammer-Head joined in on vibro-drums and Fat Boy on clarinet, and
+then--
+
+My eyes burst open. A shiver coursed down my spine like gigantic mice
+feet.
+
+The tones that surged from that monstrous bass were ecstatic. They
+were out of a jazzman's Heaven. They were great rolling clouds that
+seemed to envelop the entire universe with their vibrance. They held a
+depth and a volume and a richness that were astounding, that were like
+no others I'd ever heard.
+
+First they went _Boom-de-boom-de-boom-de-boom_, and then,
+_boom-de-de-boom-de-de-boom-de-de-boom_, just like the tones of all
+bass fiddles.
+
+But there was something else, too. There were overtones, so that John
+wasn't just playing a single note, but a whole chord with each beat.
+And the fullness, the depth of those incredible chords actually set my
+blood tingling. I could _feel_ the tingling just as one can feel the
+vibration of a plucked guitar string.
+
+I glanced at the cash customers. They looked like weary warriors
+getting their first glimpse of Valhalla. Gap-jawed and wide-eyed, they
+seemed in a kind of ecstatic hypnosis. Even the silent, bland-faced
+Martians stopped sipping their wine-syrup and nodded their dark heads
+in time with the rhythm.
+
+I looked at The Eye. The transformation of his gaunt features was
+miraculous. Shadows of gloom dissolved and were replaced by a
+black-toothed, crescent-shaped smile of delight. His eyes shone like
+those of a kid seeing Santa Claus.
+
+We finished _On An Asteroid With You_, modulated into _Sweet Sally
+from Saturn_ and finished with _Tighten Your Lips on Titan_.
+
+We waited for the applause of the Earth people and the shrilling of
+the Martians to die down. Then I turned to John and his fiddle.
+
+"If I didn't hear it," I gasped, "I wouldn't believe it!"
+
+"And the fiddle's so old, too!" added Hammer-Head who, although sober,
+seemed quite drunk.
+
+"Old?" said John Smith. "Of course it's old. It's over five thousand
+years old. I was lucky to find it in a pawnshop. Only it's not a
+fiddle but a _Zloomph_. This is the only one in existence." He patted
+the thing tenderly. "I tried the hole in it but it isn't the right
+one."
+
+I wondered what the hell he was talking about. I studied the black,
+mirror-like wood. The aperture in the vesonator was like that of any
+bass fiddle.
+
+"Isn't right for what?" I had to ask.
+
+He turned his sad eyes to me. "For going home," he said.
+
+Hummm, I thought.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+We played. Tune after tune. John knew them all, from the latest pop
+melodies to a swing version of the classic _Rhapsody of The Stars_. He
+was a quiet guy during the next couple of hours, and getting more than
+a few words from him seemed as hard as extracting a tooth. He'd stand
+by his fiddle--I mean, his _Zloomph_--with a dreamy expression in
+those watery eyes, staring at nothing.
+
+But after one number he studied Fat Boy's clarinet for a moment. "Nice
+clarinet," he mused. "Has an unusual hole in the front."
+
+Fat Boy scratched the back of his head. "You--you mean here? Where the
+music comes out?"
+
+John Smith nodded. "Unusual."
+
+Hummm, I thought again.
+
+Awhile later I caught him eyeing my piano keyboard. "What's the
+matter, John?"
+
+He pointed.
+
+"Oh, there," I said. "A cigarette fell out of my ashtray, burnt a hole
+in the key. If The Eye sees it, he'll swear at me in seven languages."
+
+"Even there," he said softly, "even there...."
+
+There was no doubt about it. John Smith was peculiar, but he was the
+best bass man this side of a musician's Nirvana.
+
+It didn't take a genius to figure out our situation. Item one:
+Goon-Face's countenance had evidenced an excellent imitation of
+Mephistopheles before John began to play. Item two: Goon-Face had
+beamed like a kitten with a quart of cream after John began to play.
+
+Conclusion: If we wanted to keep eating, we'd have to persuade John
+Smith to join our combo.
+
+At intermission I said, "How about a drink, John? Maybe a shot of
+wine-syrup?"
+
+He shook his head.
+
+"Then maybe a Venusian fizz?"
+
+His grunt was negative.
+
+"Then some old-fashioned beer?"
+
+He smiled. "Yes, I _like_ beer."
+
+I escorted him to the bar and assisted him in his arduous climb onto a
+stool.
+
+"John," I ventured after he'd taken an experimental sip, "where have
+you been hiding? A guy like you should be playing every night."
+
+John yawned. "Just got here. Figured I might need some money so I went
+to the union. Then I worked on my plan."
+
+"Then you need a job. How about playing with us steady? We like your
+style a lot."
+
+He made a long, low humming sound which I interpreted as an expression
+of intense concentration. "I don't know," he finally drawled.
+
+"It'd be a steady job, John." Inspiration struck me. "And listen, I
+have an apartment. It's got everything, solar shower, automatic chef,
+'copter landing--if we ever get a 'copter. Plenty of room there for
+two people. You can stay with me and it won't cost you a cent. And
+we'll even pay you over union wages."
+
+His watery gaze wandered lazily to the bar mirror, down to the
+glittering array of bottles and then out to the dance floor.
+
+He yawned again and spoke slowly, as if each word were a leaden weight
+cast reluctantly from his tongue:
+
+"No, I don't ... care much ... about playing."
+
+"What _do_ you like to do, John?"
+
+His string-bean of a body stiffened. "I like to study ancient history
+... and I must work on my plan."
+
+Oh Lord, that plan again!
+
+I took a deep breath. "Tell me about it, John. It _must_ be
+interesting."
+
+He made queer clicking noises with his mouth that reminded me of a
+mechanical toy being wound into motion. "The whole foundation of this
+or any other culture is based on the history of all the time
+dimensions, each interwoven with the other, throughout the ages. And
+the holes provide a means of studying all of it first hand."
+
+_Oh, oh_, I thought. _But you still have to eat. Remember, you still
+have to eat._
+
+"Trouble is," he went on, "there are so many holes in this universe."
+
+"Holes?" I kept a straight face.
+
+"Certainly. Look around you. All you see is holes. These beer bottles
+are just holes surrounded by glass. The doors and windows--they're
+holes in walls. The mine tunnels make a network of holes under the
+desert. Caves are holes, animals live in holes, our faces have holes,
+clothes have holes--millions and millions of holes!"
+
+I winced and thought, humor him because you gotta eat, you gotta eat.
+
+His voice trembled with emotion. "Why, they're everywhere. They're in
+pots and pans, in pipes, in rocket jets, in bumpy roads. There are
+buttonholes and well holes, and shoelace holes. There are doughnut
+holes and stocking holes and woodpecker holes and cheese holes. Oceans
+lie in holes in the earth, and rivers and canals and valleys. The
+craters of the Moon are holes. Everything is--"
+
+"But, John," I said as patiently as possible, "what have these holes
+got to do with you?"
+
+He glowered at me as if I were unworthy of such a confidence. "What
+have they to do with me?" he shrilled. "I can't find the right
+one--that's what!"
+
+I closed my eyes. "Which particular hole are you looking for, John?"
+
+He was speaking rapidly again now.
+
+"I was hurrying back to the University with the _Zloomph_ to prove a
+point of ancient history to those fools. They don't believe that
+instruments which make music actually existed before the tapes! It was
+dark--and some fool researcher had forgotten to set a force-field over
+the hole--I fell through."
+
+I closed my eyes. "Now wait a minute. Did you drop something, lose it
+in the hole--is that why you have to find it?"
+
+"Oh I didn't lose anything important," he snapped, "_just_ my own time
+dimension. And if I don't get back they will think I couldn't prove my
+theory, that I'm ashamed to come back, and I'll be discredited."
+
+His chest sagged for an instant. Then he straightened. "But there's
+still time for my plan to work out--with the relative difference taken
+into account. Only I get so tired just thinking about it."
+
+"Yes, I can see where thinking about it would tire any one."
+
+He nodded. "But it can't be too far away."
+
+"I'd like to hear more about it," I said. "But if you're not going to
+play with us--"
+
+"Oh, I'll play with you," he beamed. "I can talk to _you_. _You_
+understand."
+
+Thank heaven!
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Heaven lasted for just three days. During those seventy-two golden
+hours the melodious tinkling of The Eye's cash register was as
+constant as that of Santa's sleigh bells.
+
+John became the hero of tourists, spacemen, and Martians, but
+nevertheless he remained stubbornly aloof. He was quiet, moody,
+playing his _Zloomph_ automatically. He'd reveal definite indications
+of belonging to Homo Sapiens only when drinking beer and talking about
+his holes.
+
+Goon-Face was still cautious.
+
+"Contract?" he wheezed. "Maybe. We see. Eef feedleman stay, we have
+contract. He stay, yes?"
+
+"Oh, sure," I said. "He'll stay--just as long as you want him."
+
+"Den he sign contract, too. No beeg feedle, no contract."
+
+"Sure. We'll get him to sign it." I laughed hollowly. "Don't worry,
+Mr. Ke-teeli."
+
+Just a few minutes later tragedy struck.
+
+A reporter from the _Marsport Times_ ambled into interview the Man of
+The Hour. The interview, unfortunately, was conducted over the bar and
+accompanied by a generous guzzling of beer. Fat Boy, Hammer-Head and I
+watched from a table. Knowing John as we did, a silent prayer was in
+our eyes.
+
+"This is the first time he's talked to anybody," Fat Boy breathed.
+"I--I'm scared.
+
+"Nothing can happen," I said, optimistically. "This'll be good
+publicity."
+
+We watched.
+
+John murmured something. The reporter, a paunchy, balding man,
+scribbled furiously in his notebook.
+
+John yawned, muttered something else. The reporter continued to
+scribble.
+
+John sipped beer. His eyes brightened, and he began to talk more
+rapidly.
+
+The reporter frowned, stopped writing, and studied John curiously.
+
+John finished his first beer, started on his second. His eyes were
+wild, and he was talking more and more rapidly.
+
+"He's doing it," Hammer-Head groaned. "He's telling him!"
+
+I rose swiftly. "We better get over there. We should have known
+better--"
+
+We were too late. The reporter had already slapped on his hat and was
+striding to the exit. John turned to us, dazed, his enthusiasm
+vanishing like air from a punctured balloon.
+
+"He wouldn't listen," he said, weakly. "I tried to tell him, but he
+said he'd come back when I'm sober. I'm sober now. So I quit. I've got
+to find my hole."
+
+I patted him on the back. "No, John, we'll help you. Don't quit.
+We'll--well, we'll help you."
+
+"We're working on a plan, too," said Fat Boy in a burst of
+inspiration. "We're going to make a more scientific approach."
+
+"How?" John asked.
+
+Fat Boy gulped.
+
+"Just wait another day," I said. "We'll have it worked out. Just be
+patient another day. You can't leave now, not after all your work."
+
+"No, I guess not," he sighed. "I'll stay--until tomorrow."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+All night the thought crept through my brain like a teasing spider:
+_What can we do to make him stay? What can we tell him? What, what,
+what?_
+
+Unable to sleep the next morning, I left John to his snoring and went
+for an aspirin and black coffee. All the possible schemes were
+drumming through my mind: finding an Earth blonde to capture John's
+interest, having him electro-hypnotized, breaking his leg, forging a
+letter from this mythical university telling him his theory was proved
+valid and for him to take a nice long vacation now. He was a screwball
+about holes and force fields and dimensional worlds but for that music
+of his I'd baby him the rest of his life.
+
+It was early afternoon when I trudged back to my apartment.
+
+John was squatting on the living room floor, surrounded by a forest
+of empty beer bottles. His eyes were bulging, his hair was even wilder
+than usual, and he was swaying.
+
+"John!" I cried. "You're drunk!"
+
+His watery eyes squinted at me. "No, not drunk. Just scared. I'm awful
+scared!"
+
+"But you mustn't be scared. That reporter was just stupid. We'll help
+you with your theory."
+
+His body trembled. "No, it isn't that. It isn't the reporter."
+
+"Then what is it, John?"
+
+"It's my body. It's--"
+
+"Yes, what about your body? Are you sick?"
+
+His face was white with terror. "No, my--_my body's full of holes_.
+Suppose it's one of those holes! How will I get back if it is?"
+
+He rose and staggered to his _Zloomph_, clutching it as though it were
+somehow a source of strength and consolation.
+
+I patted him gingerly on the arm. "Now John. You've just had too much
+beer, that's all. Let's go out and get some air and some strong black
+coffee. C'mon now."
+
+We staggered out into the morning darkness, the three of us. John, the
+_Zloomph_, and I.
+
+I was hanging on to him trying to see around and over and even under
+the _Zloomph_--steering by a sort of radar-like sixth sense. The
+street lights on Marsport are pretty dim compared to Earthside. I
+didn't see the open manhole that the workmen had figured would be all
+right at that time of night. It gets pretty damned cold around 4: A.M.
+of a Martian morning, and I guess the men were warming up with a
+little nip at the bar across the street.
+
+Then--he was gone.
+
+John just slipped out of my grasp--_Zloomph_ and all--and was
+gone--completely and irrevocably gone. I even risked a broken neck and
+jumped in the manhole after him. Nothing--nothing but the smell of
+ozone and an echo bouncing crazily off the walls of the conduit.
+
+"--is it.--is it.--is it.--is it."
+
+John Smith was gone, so utterly and completely and tragically gone it
+was as if he'd never existed....
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Tonight is our last night at _The Space Room_. Goon-Face is scowling
+again with the icy fury of a Plutonian monsoon. As Goon-Face has said,
+"No beeg feedle, no contract."
+
+Without John, we're notes in a lost chord.
+
+We've searched everything, in hospitals, morgues, jails, night clubs,
+hotels. We've hounded spaceports and 'copter terminals. Nowhere,
+nowhere is John Smith.
+
+Ziggy, whose two fingers have healed, has already bowed to what seems
+inevitable. He's signed up for that trip to Neptune's uranium pits.
+There's plenty of room for more volunteers, he tells us. But I spend
+my time cussing the guy who forgot to set the force field at the other
+end of the hole and let John and his _Zloomph_ back into his own time
+dimension. I cuss harder when I think how we were robbed of the best
+bass player in the galaxy.
+
+And without a corpus delecti we can't even sue the city.
+
+
+... THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Holes and John Smith, by Edward W. Ludwig
+
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