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diff --git a/32469.txt b/32469.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed42f71 --- /dev/null +++ b/32469.txt @@ -0,0 +1,626 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Here Lies, by H.W. Guernsey + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Here Lies + +Author: H.W. Guernsey + +Release Date: May 21, 2010 [EBook #32469] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HERE LIES *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + Here Lies + + By H. W. GUERNSEY + +[Transcriber Note: This etext was produced from Weird Tales October +1937. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. +copyright on this publication was renewed.] + + +[Sidenote: _An ironic little story about a practical communist who +taught his friend when to take him seriously_] + + +Chauncey knocked the dottle out of his corncob and briefly startled Old +Shep by inquiring unemotionally, "Will you never finish that blasted +stick?" + +Which in Old Chauncey was tantamount to fury. Words being precious +things, both old boys hoarded every syllable; Shep tightened his +leathery lips and with the scalpel-point of the knife flicked away a +mote of pine. Each link of the chain he was whittling from that +interminable stick of soft pine resembled ivory in its satin finish. He +might produce one link in a day or let it require a full week. No hurry. +The current chain numbered four hundred and seventy-two links. A +masterpiece. + +Under Shep's surreptitious scrutiny, Old Chauncey stood erect +purposefully and stalked to the woodpile. There a fat log stood on end. +With one swift, seemingly effortless stroke of the ax he cleft the log +in two, spat explosively and hiked into the house wagging his jaw. + +The log-built house, a jewel of conscientious carpentry, stood on the +wooded elevation called St. Paul's Hill, near town. On the side hill one +hundred and twenty feet below stood another log-built affair, formerly +the ice-house. Since Old Shep had become Chauncey's permanent guest, +this structure had been equipped with furnishings as complete and +comfortable as the house, including plumbing. So there was no reason for +Shep to hang around Old Chauncey's kitchen. + +The housekeeper, Celia Lilleoden, performed the chores incidental to +both houses with such easy efficiency that old Chauncey was repeatedly +reminded of his bachelorhood. From continually sunning themselves behind +the kitchen like two old snakes the men had acquired a wrinkled +black-walnut finish, but Celia still retained the firm, buxom ripeness +of an apple. + +As a practical communist Old Chauncey kept his latch-key out by +inclination. His generosity was limitless. + +Thus, Old Shep did not have to ask for anything he wanted. It was share +and share alike. + +For example, he charged tobacco to Old Chauncey's account at the store +in town. He always had. If he preferred a grade of tobacco superior to +what Old Chauncey himself used, such was his privilege. A plug is a +plug. + +Shep and Chauncey once had occupied the same double desk of raw +cherrywood in the schoolhouse which was now a weedy hill of rubble and +rotten wood a half-mile out on the backroad. + +Besides words, Old Shep hoarded tobacco plugs in case the cause of +communism ever collapsed. + +In accordance with this scheme of living, Old Chauncey gradually became +accustomed to being spared the nuisance of opening the occasional letter +he received from another old soldier in Sackett's Harbor, New York. At +first Shep had gone to the trouble of sneaking the mail down to the +ice-house and steaming it open. But currently the mail arrived slit open +without any subterfuge. The knife, incidentally, was the better of Old +Chauncey's two. Shep had borrowed it, knowing that in communism there +can be no Indian giving. + +On one occasion Chauncey accosted Old Shep behind the kitchen with a +crumpled letter in his fingers. + +"Shep," he suggested casually, "I wish you'd slit my letters open at the +top instead of an end. It wouldn't bunch the writing up so much when you +shove it back inside." + +"Chauncey," Old Shep replied tremblingly, "you're not serious with me, +are you? If you want to keep secrets from your old crony, why, you just +tell me seriously not to open those letters any more and I won't." + +It used to give Chauncey a funny feeling when Old Shep talked like that. + + * * * * * + +Of a somnolent summer morning while Chauncey was scrubbing his long +yellow teeth he glimpsed blurred movement through the starched white +bathroom curtain. Tweaking the curtain somewhat aside he witnessed Old +Shep scampering down the side hill to the ice-house with a load of +kindling in his arms. + +"I'll be dog-goned," swore Old Chauncey with toothpaste foam dribbling +down his chin. "He complains he can't do his chopping on account of his +rheumatism, and look at the old turkey go! I see where I chop kindling +for both of us from now on." + +When Old Shep showed up to get in a few licks of whittling before +breakfast, Chauncey inquired, "How's that rheumatism?" + +"Fierce, Chauncey. I'm getting mighty creaky." + +"Well, help yourself to my kindling, Shep. Long as I _know_ where it's +disappearing to, I don't give a durn." + +"Thanks, Chauncey; thanks! I knew you'd feel that way." + +The bacon, eggs, and delicately crusty fried potatoes hit the palate so +ambrosially that, after breakfast, Chauncey was seduced into the +disastrous error of mentioning to Shep the chances of marrying Miss +Lilleoden: error, for it was only human nature to covet the goods which +another man prized most. + +Thenceforward Old Shep neglected his whittling or idled awkwardly with +it in the kitchen, where a housekeeper spends most of her time. Chauncey +observed blackly that Old Shep had a cunning way with him, too. + +"Durn it," Chauncey ruminated dismally, "everything I want, he gets. If +I tell him to stay away from her he won't take me seriously. The old +hoodoo always has his way. Anyhow, his durned whittling is out of my +sight." + + * * * * * + +Befell a morning when Old Shep didn't appear, and Chauncey found him +stretched out stiff half-way down the side hill. In Shep's vulturine +right fist was clenched a small crumple of bills. This pilfering had +occurred with such regularity that the companion of Chauncey's childhood +had accumulated just about enough to get started with Celia Lilleoden. + +Chauncey asked the coroner, a glistening little round man like a wet +dumpling, "Is he dead?" + +"Of course he's dead," said the coroner. "Obviously." + +"He has no kin," Celia reminded Old Chauncey in her slow, soft +contralto. + +"I'll do him one more favor," Chauncey offered unblinkingly. "He can +have my lot in the cemet'ry." + +The lot in Dream Hill Cemetery measured eight feet long, five feet wide +and ten feet deep, meaning that it had been excavated and ready for +occupancy these past five years. The walls were common brick. On the +floor was a stone bed to lie on. Whimsically Chauncey had also installed +a small table furnished with a tobacco bag and pipe, matches, an alarm +clock with an illuminated dial, and an ashtray. And a thick, plumber's +candle. The old pagan! + +Anchored in the foot-wall of this cell, ladder-like, were iron rungs +which had enabled him on past occasions to descend and inspect his +subterranean property; as, on this occasion, he made the trip to deposit +Shep's unfinished wooden chain. + +The stone slab sealing the cell had long been cut with the dangerous +advertisement: + + HERE LIES CHAUNCEY + D'AUTREVILLE WHOSE WORLDLY + GOODS WERE ANY MAN'S FOR + THE ASKING. + +Naturally, a new inscription had to be chiseled. + +"But there ain't any more room in that piece, Chauncey," the +stone-cutter objected. "You want 'nother stone." + +"Turn it upside down and cut it in the bottom," Old Chauncey directed. +"With that topside staring him in the face, he'll have something to read +in the hereafter." + +The underside, becoming the face, carried the inscription: + + HERE LIES SHEPARD + FRANKENFIELD WHO FEELS + NO ANXIETY FOR THE FUTURE + NOR REGRET FOR THE PAST. + +On the day preceding Old Shep's interment, Old Chauncey paid a visit to +the nearest justice of the peace with Celia Lilleoden and no one thought +it was in the least peculiar. As Chauncey balanced accounts with +himself, the state would otherwise inherit his property eventually, as +was right, but he wished to insure Celia's staying on as his +housekeeper, in which capacity she beggared superlatives. + +While four huskies furnished by the undertaker replaced the granite +sheet over the brick chamber, Old Chauncey recollected the particulars +of a certain fit of Shep's, dating about five years before, shortly +before Celia. That catalepsy, or whatever it was, had gripped Shep as +though in death for nearly three days until Old Chauncey had thought of +making a brassy rumpus next to his ear with the big dinner bell. The +alarm clock in the subterranean mausoleum was set for eleven o'clock, +terminating a like period of time, when Old Shep might be expected to +wake up and yawn in the hereafter. Just a whim of Chauncey's, since the +coroner had pronounced Old Shep indisputably defunct. + +Late that night Celia surmised worriedly that her absent husband might +be visiting the tomb of his lifelong crony, and there he was in the +sickly forest of tombstones, hunkering down on Shep's horizontal +tombstone like a boy watching a game of marbles. + +But he was listening, not watching. He knocked again on the slab with +his bony knuckles, cocked his head. Listening for the response while the +lazy breeze lifted his silken gray hair in the starry cave of night, he +asked, "Cele, do you hear him down there?" + +Celia's gentle mind recoiled from the idea that the dead might rise in +answer to a human summons. The stoically restrained grief for his +departed friend must have touched her husband somewhat in the head. + +On the fifth night Chauncey observed, "That Old Shep's ghost must be +getting tuckered out." + +Celia decided that there was a limit to indulgence. + +"Chauncey," she ordered firmly, "you mustn't come down here any more. +You'll be taking pneumonia." + +He accepted the order without protest. + +"Maybe _that_," he commented to the frankly puzzled Mrs. Old Chauncey, +"will teach the old grasshopper when to take a man seriously." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Here Lies, by H.W. 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