diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 19:57:35 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 19:57:35 -0700 |
| commit | 09798159f33c831756aecc5f1bc693a35646f30d (patch) | |
| tree | 5e36b3ba2fce35b486495f5bcecef22a2c26deb7 /32419-h | |
Diffstat (limited to '32419-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 32419-h/32419-h.htm | 4550 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 32419-h/images/img020gsm.jpg | bin | 0 -> 417215 bytes |
2 files changed, 4550 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/32419-h/32419-h.htm b/32419-h/32419-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3876f84 --- /dev/null +++ b/32419-h/32419-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4550 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Constant Couple, by George Farquhar, et al</title> +<style type="text/css"> + body {background:#fdfdfd; + color:black; + font-size: large; + margin-top:100px; + margin-left:15%; + margin-right:15%; + text-align:justify; } + h1, h2, h3, h4, h5, h6 {text-align: center; } + hr.narrow { width: 40%; + text-align: center; } + hr.minimal { width: 25%; + text-align: center; } + hr.tiny { width: 10%; + text-align: center; } + hr { width: 100%; } + hr.full { width: 100%; + margin-top: 3em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + height: 3px; + border-width: 4px 0 0 0; /* remove all borders except the top one */ + border-style: solid; + border-color: #000000; + clear: both; } + table {font-size: large; } + table.sm {font-size: medium; } + td.w50 { width: 50%; } + p {text-indent: 3%; } + p.noindent { text-indent: 0%; } + .caption { font-size: small; + font-weight: bold; } + .center { text-align: center; } + img { border: 0; } + .ind1 { margin-left: 1em; } + .ind2 { margin-left: 2em; } + ins { text-decoration: none; border-bottom: thin dotted gray;} + .right { text-align: right; } + .small { font-size: 70%; } + .smallcaps { font-variant: small-caps; } + a:link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:visited {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:hover {color:red; + text-decoration: underline; } + pre {font-size: 70%; } +</style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Constant Couple, by George Farquhar, et al</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: The Constant Couple</p> +<p> or, A Trip to the Jubilee</p> +<p>Author: George Farquhar</p> +<p>Release Date: May 18, 2010 [eBook #32419]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONSTANT COUPLE***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Canada Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdpcanada.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> + +<h4>THE</h4> +<h1>CONSTANT COUPLE;</h1> +<p> </p> +<h4>OR,</h4> +<h2> +A TRIP TO THE JUBILEE;</h2> + +<h4>A COMEDY,</h4> +<h5>IN FIVE ACTS;</h5> +<p> </p> +<h2><span class="smallcaps">By GEORGE FARQUHAR, Esq.</span></h2> +<p> </p> + +<h6>AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRES ROYAL,</h6> +<h3>DRURY LANE AND COVENT GARDEN.</h3> +<p> </p> + +<h6>PRINTED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE MANAGERS<br /><br /> +FROM THE PROMPT BOOK.<br /> +<br /><br /> + +WITH REMARKS</h6> + +<h3>BY MRS. INCHBALD.</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> + +<h3>LONDON:</h3> +<h5>PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, AND ORME,<br /> +PATERNOSTER ROW.</h5> +<p> </p> +<h6>WILLIAM SAVAGE, PRINTER,<br /> +LONDON.</h6> +<p> </p> +<hr class="narrow" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>REMARKS.</h3> +<p> </p> + +<p>George Farquhar, the author of this comedy, was +the son of a clergyman in the north of Ireland. He +was born in the year 1678, discovered an early taste +for literature, and wrote poetic stanzas at ten years +of age.</p> + +<p>In 1694 he was sent to Trinity College, Dublin, and +there made such progress in his studies as to acquire +considerable reputation. But he was volatile and +poor—the first misfortune led him to expense; the +second, to devise means how to support his extravagance.</p> + +<p>The theatre has peculiar charms for men of letters. +Whether as a subject of admiration or animadversion, +it is still a source of high amusement; and +here Farquhar fixed his choice of a profession, in the +united expectations of pleasure and of profit—he appeared +on the stage as an actor, and was disappointed +of both.</p> + +<p>The author of this licentious comedy is said to have +possessed the advantages of person, manners, and +elocution, to qualify him for an actor; but that he +could never overcome his natural timidity. Courage +is a whimsical virtue. It acts upon one man so as to +make him expose his whole body to danger, whilst +he dares not venture into the slightest peril one sentiment +of his mind. Such is often the soldier's valour.—Another +trembles to expose his person either to a +wound or to the eye of criticism, and yet will dare to +publish every thought that ever found entrance into +his imagination. Such is often the valour of a poet.</p> + +<p>Farquhar, abashed on exhibiting his person upon +the stage, sent boldly thither his most indecorous +thoughts, and was rewarded for his audacity.</p> + +<p>In the year 1700 he brought out this comedy of +"The Constant Couple; or, A Trip to the Jubilee." +It was then the Jubilee year at Rome, and the author +took advantage of that occurrence to render the title +of his drama popular; for which cause alone it must +be supposed he made any thing in his play refer to +that festival, as no one material point is in any shape +connected with it.</p> + +<p>At the time Farquhar was a performer, a sincere +friendship was formed between him and Wilks, +the celebrated fine gentleman of the stage—for him, +Farquhar wrote the character of Sir Harry Wildair; +and Wilks, by the very admirable manner in which +he supported the part, divided with the author those +honours which the first appearance of the work obtained +him.</p> + +<p>As a proof that this famed actor's abilities, in the +representation of the fine gentlemen of his day, were +not over-rated, no actor, since he quitted the stage, +has been wholly successful in the performance of +this character; and, from Wilks down to the +present time, the part has only been supported, with celebrity, +by women.</p> + +<p>The noted Mrs. Woffington was highly extolled in +Sir Harry; and Mrs. Jordan has been no less admired +and attractive.</p> + +<p>But it must be considered as a disgrace to the memory +of the men of fashion, of the period in which +Wildair was brought on the stage, that he has ever +since been justly personated, by no other than the female +sex. In this particular, at least, the present race +of fashionable beaux cannot be said to have degenerated; +for, happily, they can be represented by men.</p> + +<p>The love story of Standard and Lurewell, in this +play, is interesting to the reader, though, in action, +an audience scarcely think of either of them; or of +any one in the drama, with whom the hero is not positively +concerned. Yet these two lovers, it would +seem, love with all the usual ardour and constancy of +gallants and mistresses in plays and novels—unfortunately, +with the same short memories too! Authors, +and some who do not generally deal in wonders, often +make persons, the most tenderly attached to each +other, so easily forget the shape, the air, the every +feature of the dear beloved, as to pass, after a few +years separation, whole days together, without the +least conjecture that each is the very object of the +other's search! Whilst all this surprising forgetfulness +possesses them, as to the figure, face, and mind of him +or her whom they still adore, show either of them +but a ring, a bracelet, a mole, a scar, and here remembrance +instantly occupies its place, and both are +immediately inspired with every sensation which first +testified their mutual passion. Still the sober critic +must arraign the strength of this love with the shortness +of its recollection; and charge the renewal of +affection for objects that no longer appear the same, +to fickleness rather than to constancy.</p> + +<p>The biographers of Farquhar, who differ in some +articles concerning him, all agree that he was married, +in the year 1704, to a lady, who was so violently +in love with him, that, despairing to win him +by her own attractions, she contrived a vast scheme +of imposition, by which she allured him into wedlock, +with the full conviction that he had married a +woman of immense fortune.</p> + +<p>The same biographers all bestow the highest praise +upon poor Farquhar for having treated this wife +with kindness; humanely forgiving the fault which +had deprived him of that liberty he was known peculiarly +to prize, and reduced him to the utmost poverty, +in order to support her and her children.</p> + +<p>This woman, whose pretended love was of such +fatal import to its object, not long enjoyed her selfish +happiness—her husband's health gradually declined, +and he died four years after his marriage. It is related +that he met death with fortitude and cheerfulness. +He could scarcely do otherwise, when life had +become a burden to him. He had, however, some +objects of affection to leave behind, as appears by the +following letter, which he wrote a few days before +his decease, and directed to his friend Wilks:—</p> + +<p><span class="ind1">"</span><span class="smallcaps">Dear Bob</span>,</p> + +<p>"I have not any thing to leave you to perpetuate +my memory, except two helpless girls; look upon +them sometimes, and think of him that was, to the +last moment of his life, thine,</p> + +<p class="right">"<span class="smallcaps">George Farquhar.</span>"<span class="ind1"> </span></p> + +<p>Wilks protected the children—their mother died in +extreme indigence.</p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="narrow" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</h3> +<div class="center"> +<table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="personae"> +<tr><td align="left"> </td><td align="left"><small>DRURY LANE.</small></td><td align="left"><small>COVENT GARDEN.</small></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry Wildair</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Elliston.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Lewis.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Alderm. Smuggler</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Dowton.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Quick.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span> </td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Barrymore.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Farren.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Clincher, Jun.</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Collins.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Blanchard.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Beau Clincher</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Bannister.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Cubitt.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Holland.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Macready.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Wewitzer.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Powell.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Purser.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Simmons.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Constable</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Maddocks.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Thompson.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Servants</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Fisher, &c.</i></td><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mrs. Powell.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Miss Chapman.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span></td><td align="left"><i>Miss Tidswell.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Miss Platt.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span></td><td align="left"><i>Miss Mellon.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mrs. Mountain.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Parly</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mrs. Scott.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Miss Stuart.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand's Wife</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mrs. Maddocks.</i></td><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="center" colspan="3"><i><b>SCENE—London.</b></i></td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<p> </p> +<hr class="narrow" /> +<p> </p> +<h4>THE</h4> +<h2>CONSTANT COUPLE.</h2> +<p> </p> +<hr class="tiny" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>ACT THE FIRST.</h3> +<h4>SCENE I</h4> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>The Park</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span> <i>with a Letter, his</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span> <i>following</i>.</p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Angelica send it back unopened! say you?</p> + +<p><i>Serv.</i> As you see, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> The pride of these virtuous women is more +insufferable than the immodesty of prostitutes—After +all my encouragement, to slight me thus!</p> + +<p><i>Serv.</i> She said, sir, that imagining your morals +sincere, she gave you access to her conversation; but +that your late behaviour in her company has convinced +her that your love and religion are both hypocrisy, +and that she believes your letter, like yourself, +fair on the outside, and foul within; so sent it +back unopened.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> May obstinacy guard her beauty till +wrinkles bury it.—I'll be revenged the very first opportunity.——Saw +you the old Lady Darling, her +mother?</p> + +<p><i>Serv.</i> Yes, sir, and she was pleased to say much in +your commendation.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> That's my cue——An esteem grafted in +old age is hardly rooted out; years stiffen their opinions +with their bodies, and old zeal is only to be cozened +by young hypocrisy. [<i>Aside.</i>] Run to the +Lady Lurewell's, and know of her maid whether her +ladyship will be at home this evening. Her beauty is +sufficient cure for Angelica's scorn.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span> <i>pulls out a Book, reads,<br /> +and walks about</i>.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span>.</p> +</div> +<p><i>Smug.</i> Ay, there's a pattern for the young men o' +th' times; at his meditation so early; some book of +pious ejaculations, I'm sure.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> This Hobbes is an excellent fellow! [<i>Aside.</i>] +Oh, uncle Smuggler! To find you at this end o' th' +town is a miracle.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> I have seen a miracle this morning indeed, +cousin Vizard.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> What is it, pray, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> A man at his devotion so near the court—I'm +very glad, boy, that you keep your sanctity untainted +in this infectious place; the very air of this +park is heathenish, and every man's breath I meet +scents of atheism.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Surely, sir, some great concern must bring +you to this unsanctified end of the town.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> A very unsanctified concern, truly, cousin.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> What is it?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> A lawsuit, boy—Shall I tell you?—My +ship, the Swan, is newly arrived from St. Sebastian, +laden with Portugal wines: now the impudent rogue +of a tide-waiter has the face to affirm it is French +wines in Spanish casks, and has indicted me upon the +statute——Oh, conscience! conscience! these tide-waiters +and surveyors plague us more than the war—Ay, +there's another plague of the nation—</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>. + </p> +</div> +<p class="noindent">A red coat and cockade.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Colonel Standard, I'm your humble servant.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> May be not, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why so?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Because——I'm disbanded.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> How! Broke?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> This very morning, in Hyde-Park, my +brave regiment, a thousand men, that looked like +lions yesterday, were scattered, and looked as poor and +simple as the herd of deer that grazed beside them.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Tal, al deral. [<i>Singing.</i>] I'll have a bonfire +this night as high as the monument.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> A bonfire! Thou dry, withered, ill-nature; +had not those brave fellows' swords defended +you, your house had been a bonfire ere this, about +your ears.——Did we not venture our lives, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> And did we not pay for your lives, sir?—Venture +your lives! I'm sure we ventured our money, +and that's life and soul to me.——Sir, we'll maintain +you no longer.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Then your wives shall, old Actæon. +There are five and thirty strapping officers gone this +morning to live upon free quarter in the city.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, lord! oh, lord! I shall have a son +within these nine months, born with a leading staff in +his hand.——Sir, you are——</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Sir, I say that you are——</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Disbanded, sir, that's all——I see my lawyer +yonder. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Sir, I'm very sorry for your misfortune.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Why so? I don't come to borrow money +of you; if you're my friend, meet me this evening at +the Rummer; I'll pay my foy, drink a health to my +king, prosperity to my country, and away for Hungary +to-morrow morning.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> What! you won't leave us?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What! a soldier stay here, to look like +an old pair of colours in Westminster Hall, ragged +and rusty! No, no——I met yesterday a broken lieutenant, +he was ashamed to own that he wanted a dinner, +but wanted to borrow eighteen pence of me to +buy a new scabbard for his sword.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Oh, but you have good friends, colonel!</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Oh, very good friends! My father's a +lord, and my elder brother, a beau; mighty good +indeed!</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> But your country may, perhaps, want your +sword again.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Nay, for that matter, let but a single +drum beat up for volunteers between Ludgate and +Charing Cross, and I shall undoubtedly hear it at the +walls of Buda.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Come, come, colonel, there are ways of +making your fortune at home—Make your addresses +to the fair; you're a man of honour and courage.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Ay, my courage is like to do me wondrous +service with the fair. This pretty cross cut over +my eye will attract a duchess—I warrant 'twill be a +mighty grace to my ogling—Had I used the stratagem +of a certain brother colonel of mine, I might succeed.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> What was it, pray?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Why, to save his pretty face for the women, +he always turned his back upon the enemy.—He +was a man of honour for the ladies.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Come, come, the loves of Mars and Venus +will never fail; you must get a mistress.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Pr'ythee, no more on't—You have awakened +a thought, from which, and the kingdom, I would +have stolen away at once.——To be plain, I have a +mistress.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> And she's cruel?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Her parents prevent your happiness?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Not that.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Then she has no fortune?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> A large one. Beauty to tempt all mankind, +and virtue to beat off their assaults. Oh, Vizard! +such a creature!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry Wildair</span>, <i>crosses the Stage singing, +with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Footmen</span> <i>after him</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Heyday! who the devil have we here?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> The joy of the playhouse, and life of the +park; Sir Harry Wildair, newly come from Paris.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir Harry Wildair! Did not he go a +volunteer some three or four years ago?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> The same.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Why, he behaved himself very bravely.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why not? Dost think bravery and gaiety +are inconsistent? He's a gentleman of most happy +circumstances, born to a plentiful estate; has had a +genteel and easy education, free from the rigidness of +teachers, and pedantry of schools. His florid constitution +being never ruffled by misfortune, nor stinted +in its pleasures, has rendered him entertaining to +others, and easy to himself. Turning all passion into +gaiety of humour, by which he chuses rather to rejoice +with his friends, than be hated by any; as you +shall see.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry Wildair</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ha, Vizard!</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Sir Harry!</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Who thought to find you out of the Rubric +so long? I thought thy hypocrisy had been wedded +to a pulpit-cushion long ago.—Sir, if I mistake not +your face, your name is Standard?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Come, gentlemen, the news, the news o' th' +town, for I'm just arrived.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why, in the city end o' th' town we're playing +the knave, to get estates.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> And in the court end playing the fool, in +spending them.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Just so in Paris. I'm glad we're grown so +modish.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> We are so reformed, that gallantry is taken +for vice.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> And hypocrisy for religion.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> A-la-mode de Paris again.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Nothing like an oath in the city.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> That's a mistake; for my major swore a +hundred and fifty last night to a merchant's wife in her +bed-chamber.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pshaw! this is trifling; tell me news, gentlemen. +What lord has lately broke his fortune at +the clubs, or his heart at Newmarket, for the loss of a +race? What wife has been lately suing in Doctor's-Commons +for alimony: or what daughter run away +with her father's valet? What beau gave the noblest +ball at Bath, or had the gayest equipage in town? I +want news, gentlemen.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Faith, sir, these are no news at all.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> But, pray, Sir Harry, tell us some news of +your travels.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> With all my heart.—You must know, then, +I went over to Amsterdam in a Dutch ship. I went +from thence to Landen, where I was heartily drubbed +in battle, with the butt end of a Swiss musket. I +thence went to Paris, where I had half a dozen intrigues, +bought half a dozen new suits, fought a +couple of duels, and here I am again <i>in statu quo</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> But we heard that you designed to make +the tour of Italy: what brought you back so soon?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> That which brought you into the world, +and may perhaps carry you out of it;—a woman.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What! quit the pleasures of travel for a +woman?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, colonel, for such a woman! I had rather +see her <i>ruelle</i> than the palace of Louis le Grand. +There's more glory in her smile, than in the jubilee at +Rome! and I would rather kiss her hand than the +Pope's toe.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> You, colonel, have been very lavish in the +beauty and virtue of your mistress; and Sir Harry +here has been no less eloquent in the praise of his. +Now will I lay you both ten guineas a-piece, that +neither of them is so pretty, so witty, or so virtuous, +as mine.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Tis done.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I'll double the stakes—But, gentlemen, now +I think on't, how shall we be resolved? For I know +not where my mistress may be found; she left Paris +about a month before me, and I had an account——</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> How, sir! left Paris about a month before +you?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Yes, sir, and I had an account that she lodged +somewhere in St. James's.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> How! somewhere in St. James's say you?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, sir, but I know not where, and perhaps +may'nt find her this fortnight.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Her name, pray, Sir Harry?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Ay, ay, her name; perhaps we know her.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Her name! Ay, she has the softest, whitest +hand that ever was made of flesh and blood; her lips +so balmy sweet——</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> But her name, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then her neck and——</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> But her name, sir? her quality?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then her shape, colonel?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> But her name I want, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then her eyes, Vizard!</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Pshaw, Sir Harry! her name, or nothing!</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then if you must have it, she's called the +Lady——But then her foot, gentlemen! she dances +to a miracle. Vizard, you have certainly lost your +wager.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why, you have certainly lost your senses; +we shall never discover the picture, unless you subscribe +the name.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then her name is Lurewell.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Sdeath! my mistress! <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> My mistress, by Jupiter! <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Do you know her, gentlemen?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I have seen her, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Canst tell where she lodges? Tell me, dear +colonel.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Your humble servant, sir. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, hold, colonel; I'll follow you, and +will know. <span class="ind2">[<i>Runs out.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> The Lady Lurewell his mistress! He loves +her: but she loves me.——But he's a baronet, and I +plain Vizard; he has a coach, and I walk on foot; I +was bred in London, and he in Paris.——That very +circumstance has murdered me——Then some stratagem +must be laid to divert his pretensions.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pr'ythee, Dick, what makes the colonel so +out of humour?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Because he's out of pay, I suppose.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> 'Slife, that's true! I was beginning to mistrust +some rivalship in the case.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> And suppose there were, you know the colonel +can fight, Sir Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Fight! Pshaw—but he cannot dance, ha!—We +contend for a woman, Vizard. 'Slife, man, if +ladies were to be gained by sword and pistol only, +what the devil should all we beaux do?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> I'll try him farther. [<i>Aside.</i>] But would +not you, Sir Harry, fight for this woman you so much +admire?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Fight! Let me consider. I love her——that's +true;——but then I love honest Sir Harry +Wildair better. The Lady Lurewell is divinely +charming——right——but then a thrust i' the guts, +or a Middlesex jury, is as ugly as the devil.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Ay, Sir Harry, 'twere a dangerous cast for +a beau baronet to be tried by a parcel of greasy, grumbling, +bartering boobies, who would hang you, purely +because you're a gentleman.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, but on t'other hand, I have money +enough to bribe the rogues with: so, upon mature +deliberation, I would fight for her. But no more of +her. Pr'ythee, Vizard, cannot you recommend a +friend to a pretty mistress by the bye, till I can find +my own? You have store, I'm sure; you cunning +poaching dogs make surer game, than we that hunt +open and fair. Pr'ythee now, good Vizard.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Let me consider a little.—Now love and +revenge inspire my politics! <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Pauses whilst</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry</span> <i>walks, singing</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pshaw! thou'rt longer studying for a new +mistress, than a waiter would be in drawing fifty +corks.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> I design you good wine; you'll therefore +bear a little expectation.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ha! say'st thou, dear Vizard?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> A girl of nineteen, Sir Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Now nineteen thousand blessings light on +thee.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Pretty and witty.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, ay, but her name, Vizard!</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Her name! yes—she has the softest, whitest +hand that e'er was made of flesh and blood; her +lips so balmy sweet——</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Well, well, but where shall I find her, man?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Find her!—but then her foot, Sir Harry! +she dances to a miracle.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pr'ythee, don't distract me.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Well then, you must know, that this lady is +the greatest beauty in town; her name's Angelica: +she that passes for her mother is a private bawd, and +called the Lady Darling: she goes for a baronet's +lady, (no disparagement to your honour, Sir Harry) +I assure you.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pshaw, hang my honour! but what street, +what house?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Not so fast, Sir Harry; you must have my +passport for your admittance, and you'll find my recommendation +in a line or two will procure you very +civil entertainment; I suppose twenty or thirty pieces +handsomely placed, will gain the point.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Thou dearest friend to a man in necessity! +Here, sirrah, order my carriage about to St. James's; +I'll walk across the park. [<i>To his</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Clinch.</i> Here, sirrah, order my coach about to St. +James's, I'll walk across the park too—Mr. Vizard, +your most devoted—Sir, [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>.] I admire +the mode of your shoulder-knot; methinks it hangs +very emphatically, and carries an air of travel in it: +your sword-knot too is most ornamentally modish, and +bears a foreign mien. Gentlemen, my brother is just +arrived in town; so that, being upon the wing to kiss +his hands, I hope you'll pardon this abrupt departure +of, gentlemen, your most devoted, and most faithful +humble servant. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pr'ythee, dost know him?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Know him! why, it is Clincher, who was +apprentice to my uncle Smuggler, the merchant in the +city.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> What makes him so gay?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why, he's in mourning.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> In mourning?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Yes, for his father. The kind old man in +Hertfordshire t'other day broke his neck a fox-hunting; +the son, upon the news, has broke his indentures; +whipped from behind the counter into the side-box. +He keeps his coach and liveries, brace of geldings, +leash of mistresses, talks of nothing but wines, intrigues, +plays, fashions, and going to the jubilee.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ha! ha! ha! how many pounds of pulvil +must the fellow use in sweetening himself from the +smell of hops and tobacco? Faugh!—I' my conscience +methought, like Olivia's lover, he stunk of Thames-Street. +But now for Angelica, that's her name: we'll +to the prince's chocolate-house, where you shall write +my passport. <i>Allons.</i> <span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE II.</h4> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell's</span> <i>Lodgings</i>.<br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span>, <i>and her Maid</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>.</p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Parly, my pocket-book—let me see—Madrid, +Paris, Venice, London!—Ay, London! They +may talk what they will of the hot countries, but I +find love most fruitful under this climate——In a +month's space have I gained—let me see, imprimis, +Colonel Standard.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> And how will your ladyship manage him?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> As all soldiers should be managed; he +shall serve me till I gain my ends, then I'll disband +him.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> But he loves you, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Therefore I scorn him;<br /> +I hate all that don't love me, and slight all that do;<br /> +'Would his whole deluding sex admir'd me,<br /> +Thus would I slight them all.<br /> +My virgin and unwary innocence<br /> +Was wrong'd by faithless man;<br /> +But now, glance eyes, plot brain, dissemble face,<br /> +Lie tongue, and<br /> +Plague the treacherous kind.——<br /> +Let me survey my captives.——<br /> +The colonel leads the van; next, Mr. Vizard,<br /> +He courts me out of the "Practice of Piety,"<br /> +Therefore is a hypocrite;<br /> +Then Clincher, he adores me with orangerie,<br /> +And is consequently a fool;<br /> +Then my old merchant, Alderman Smuggler,<br /> +He's a compound of both;—out of which medley of +lovers, if I don't make good diversion——What d'ye +think, Parly?</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> I think, madam, I'm like to be very virtuous +in your service, if you teach me all those tricks that +you use to your lovers.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> You're a fool, child; observe this, that +though a woman swear, forswear, lie, dissemble, backbite, +be proud, vain, malicious, any thing, if she secures +the main chance, she's still virtuous; that's a +maxim.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> I can't be persuaded, though, madam, but +that you really loved Sir Harry Wildair in Paris.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Of all the lovers I ever had, he was my +greatest plague, for I could never make him uneasy: +I left him involved in a duel upon my account: I +long to know whether the fop be killed or not.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"> + <i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Oh lord! no sooner talk of killing, but the soldier is +conjured up. You're upon hard duty, colonel, to +serve your king, your country, and a mistress too.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> The latter, I must confess, is the hardest; +for in war, madam, we can be relieved in our duty; +but in love, he, who would take our post, is our enemy; +emulation in glory is transporting, but rivals here +intolerable.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Those that bear away the prize in arms, +should boast the same success in love; and, I think, +considering the weakness of our sex, we should make +those our companions who can be our champions.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I once, madam, hoped the honour of +defending you from all injuries, through a title to +your lovely person; but now my love must attend my +fortune. My commission, madam, was my passport +to the fair; adding a nobleness to my passion, it +stamped a value on my love; 'twas once the life of +honour, but now its winding sheet; and with it must +my love be buried.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> What? disbanded, Colonel?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Yes, Mrs. Parly.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Faugh, the nauseous fellow! he stinks of +poverty already. <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> His misfortune troubles me, because it +may prevent my designs. <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I'll chuse, madam, rather to destroy +my passion by absence abroad, than have it starved +at home.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> I'm sorry, sir, you have so mean an opinion +of my affection, as to imagine it founded upon +your fortune. And, to convince you of your mistake, +here I vow, by all that's sacred, I own the same +affection now as before. Let it suffice, my fortune is +considerable.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> No, madam, no; I'll never be a charge +to her I love! The man, that sells himself for gold, +is the worst of prostitutes.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Now, were he any other creature but a +man, I could love him. <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> This only last request I make, that no +title recommend a fool, no office introduce a knave, +nor red coat a coward, to my place in your affections; +so farewell my country, and adieu my love. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Now the devil take thee for being so honourable: +here, Parly, call him back, I shall lose +half my diversion else. Now for a trial of skill.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Sir, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity. When do +you take your journey?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> To-morrow morning, early, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> So suddenly! which way are you designed +to travel?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> That I can't yet resolve on.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Pray, sir, tell me; pray, sir; I entreat +you; why are you so obstinate?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Why are you so curious, madam?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Because——</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Because, I, I——</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Because, what, madam?—Pray tell me.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Because I design to follow you. <span class="ind2">[<i>Crying.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Follow me! By all that's great, I ne'er +was proud before. Follow me! By Heavens thou +shalt not. What! expose thee to the hazards of a +camp!—Rather I'll stay, and here bear the contempt +of fools, and worst of fortune.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> You need not, shall not; my estate for +both is sufficient.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Thy estate! No, I'll turn a knave, and +purchase one myself; I'll cringe to the proud man +I undermine; I'll tip my tongue with flattery, and +smooth my face with smiles; I'll turn informer, office-broker, +nay, coward, to be great; and sacrifice +it all to thee, my generous fair.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> And I'll dissemble, lie, swear, jilt, any +thing, but I'll reward thy love, and recompense thy +noble passion.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! poor Sir Harry, +ha! ha! ha! Rather kiss her hand than the Pope's +toe; ha! ha! ha!</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> What Sir Harry, Colonel? What Sir +Harry?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir Harry Wildair, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> What! is he come over?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Ay, and he told me—but I don't believe +a syllable on't——</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> What did he tell you?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Only called you his mistress; and pretending +to be extravagant in your commendation, +would vainly insinuate the praise of his own judgment +and good fortune in a choice.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> How easily is the vanity of fops tickled +by our sex!</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Why, your sex is the vanity of fops.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> On my conscience, I believe so. This +gentleman, because he danced well, I pitched on for +a partner at a ball in Paris, and ever since he has so +persecuted me with letters, songs, dances, serenading, +flattery, foppery, and noise, that I was forced to fly +the kingdom.——And I warrant you he made you +jealous?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Faith, madam, I was a little uneasy.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> You shall have a plentiful revenge; I'll +send him back all his foolish letters, songs, and verses, +and you yourself shall carry them: 'twill afford you +opportunity of triumphing, and free me from his further +impertinence; for of all men he's my aversion. +I'll run and fetch them instantly. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Dear madam, a rare project! Now shall +I bait him, like Actæon, with his own dogs.——Well, +Mrs. Parly, it is ordered by act of parliament, that +you receive no more pieces, Mrs. Parly.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> 'Tis provided by the same act, that you +send no more messages by me, good Colonel; you +must not presume to send any more letters, unless +you can pay the postage.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Come, come, don't be mercenary; take +example by your lady, be honourable.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> A-lack-a-day, sir, it shows as ridiculous and +haughty for us to imitate our betters in their honour, +as in their finery; leave honour to nobility that can +support it: we poor folks, Colonel, have no pretence +to't; and truly, I think, sir, that your honour should +be cashiered with your leading-staff.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Tis one of the greatest curses of poverty +to be the jest of chambermaids!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lurewell</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Here's the packet, Colonel; the whole +magazine of love's artillery.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Gives him the Packet.</i></p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Which, since I have gained, I will turn +upon the enemy. Madam, I'll bring you the news of +my victory this evening. Poor Sir Harry, ha! ha! +ha! <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> To the right about as you were; march, +Colonel. Ha! ha! ha!</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top">Vain man, who boasts of studied parts and wiles!</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top">Nature in us, your deepest art beguiles,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top">Stamping deep cunning in our frowns and smiles.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top">You toil for art, your intellects you trace;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top">Woman, without a thought, bears policy in her face.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="tiny" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>ACT THE SECOND.</h3> +<h4>SCENE I</h4> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior's</span> <i>Lodgings</i>.<br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior</span>, <i>opening a Letter</i>; <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span> +<i>following</i>. +</p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> [Reads.] <i>Dear Brother—I will see you +presently: I have sent this lad to wait on you; he can +instruct you in the fashions of the town. I am your +affectionate brother</i>, <span class="ind2"> </span><span class="smallcaps">Clincher</span>.<br /><br /> + +Very well; and what's your name, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> My name is Dicky, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Dicky!</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ay, Dicky, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Very well; a pretty name! And what +can you do, Mr. Dicky?</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Why, sir, I can powder a wig, and pick +up a whore.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Oh, lord! Oh, lord! a whore! Why, +are there many in this town?</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ha! ha! ha! many! there's a question, +indeed!——Harkye, sir; do you see that woman +there, in the pink cloak and white feathers.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Ay, sir! what then?</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Why, she shall be at your service in three +minutes, as I'm a pimp.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Oh, Jupiter Ammon! Why, she's a +gentlewoman.</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> A gentlewoman! Why so they are all in +town, sir.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher</span> <i>senior</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Brother, you're welcome to London.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> I thought, brother, you owed so much +to the memory of my father, as to wear mourning +for his death.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Why, so I do, fool; I wear this, because +I have the estate; and you wear that, because +you have not the estate. You have cause to mourn, +indeed, brother. Well, brother, I'm glad to see you; +fare you well. <span class="ind2">[<i>Going.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Stay, stay, brother.——Where are you +going?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> How natural 'tis for a country booby +to ask impertinent questions!—Harkye, sir; is not +my father dead?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Ay, ay, to my sorrow.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> No matter for that, he's dead; and +am not I a young, powdered, extravagant English +heir?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Very right, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Why then, sir, you may be sure that I +am going to the Jubilee, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Jubilee! What's that?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Jubilee! Why, the Jubilee is——'Faith +I don't know what it is.</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Why, the Jubilee is the same thing as our +Lord Mayor's day in the city; there will be pageants, +and squibs, and raree-shows, and all that, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> And must you go so soon, brother?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Yes, sir; for I must stay a month at +Amsterdam, to study poetry.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Then I suppose, brother, you travel +through Muscovy, to learn fashions; don't you, brother?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Brother! Pr'ythee, Robin, don't call +me brother; sir will do every jot as well.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Oh, Jupiter Ammon! why so?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Because people will imagine you have +a spite at me.—But have you seen your cousin Angelica +yet, and her mother, the Lady Darling?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> No; my dancing-master has not been +with me yet. How shall I salute them, brother?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Pshaw! that's easy; 'tis only two +scrapes, a kiss, and your humble servant. I'll tell you +more when I come from the Jubilee. Come along. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> +<p> </p> + +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="4" summary="Illustration"> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <a href="images/img020gsm.jpg"> + <img src="images/img020gsm.jpg" height="500" + alt="HARRY WILDAIR" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <span class="caption">SIR HARRY WILDAIR.—<br /> +HERE IS A NEST OF THE PRETTIEST GOLDFINCHES,<br /> +THAT EVER CHIRPED IN A CAGE ACT. II. SCENE. II.<br /> +Click to <a href="images/img020gsm.jpg">ENLARGE</a></span> + </td> + </tr> +</table> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE II.</h4> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling's</span> <i>House</i>.<br /><br /> + <i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span> <i>with a Letter</i>. + </p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Like light and heat, incorporate we lay;<br /> +<span class="ind2">We bless'd the night, and curs'd the coming day.</span><br /> +Well, if this paper kite flies sure, I'm secure of my +game——Humph!—the prettiest <i>bourdel</i> I have seen; +a very stately genteel one——</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Footmen</span> <i>cross the Stage</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Heyday! equipage too!——'Sdeath, I'm afraid I've +mistaken the house!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">No, this must be the bawd, by her dignity.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Your business, pray, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pleasure, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Then, sir, you have no business here.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> This letter, madam, will inform you farther. +Mr. Vizard sent it, with his humble service +to your ladyship.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> How does my cousin, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, her cousin, too! that's right procuress +again. <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> [Reads.] <i>Madam——Earnest inclination +to serve——Sir Harry——Madam——court my cousin——Gentleman——fortune——</i></p> + +<p class="right"><i>Your ladyships most humble servant</i>, <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span>.</p> + +<p class="noindent">Sir, your fortune and quality are sufficient to recommend +you any where; but what goes farther with me +is the recommendation of so sober and pious a young +gentleman as my cousin Vizard.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> A right sanctified bawd o' my word! <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Sir Harry, your conversation with Mr. +Vizard argues you a gentleman, free from the loose +and vicious carriage of the town. I shall therefore +call my daughter. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Now go thy way for an illustrious bawd of +Babylon:—she dresses up a sin so religiously, that +the devil would hardly know it of his making.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span> <i>with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Pray, daughter, use him civilly; such +matches don't offer every day. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit</i></span> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darl.</span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Oh, all ye powers of love! an angel!—'Sdeath, +what money have I got in my pocket? I +can't offer her less than twenty guineas——and, by +Jupiter, she's worth a hundred.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> 'Tis he! the very same! and his person as +agreeable as his character of good humour.——Pray +Heaven his silence proceed from respect!</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> How innocent she looks! How would that +modesty adorn virtue, when it makes even vice look +so charming!——By Heaven, there's such a commanding +innocence in her looks, that I dare not ask +the question!</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Now, all the charms of real love and feigned +indifference assist me to engage his heart; for mine +is lost already.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Madam—I—I——Zouns, I cannot speak +to her!—Oh, hypocrisy! hypocrisy! what a charming +sin art thou!</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> He is caught; now to secure my conquest—I +thought, sir, you had business to communicate.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Business to communicate! How nicely she +words it!——Yes, madam, I have a little business +to communicate. Don't you love singing-birds, madam?</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> That's an odd question for a lover—Yes, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, then, madam, here's a nest of the +prettiest goldfinches that ever chirp'd in a cage; +twenty young ones, I assure you, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Twenty young ones! What then, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why then, madam, there are——twenty +young ones——'Slife, I think twenty is pretty fair.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> He's mad, sure!——Sir Harry, when you +have learned more wit and manners, you shall be +welcome here again. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Wit and manners! 'Egad, now, I conceive +there is a great deal of wit and manners in twenty +guineas—I'm sure 'tis all the wit and manners I have +about me at present. What shall I do?</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">What the devil's here? Another cousin, I warrant +ye!—Harkye, sir, can you lend me ten or a dozen +guineas instantly? I'll pay you fifteen for them in +three hours, upon my honour.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> These London sparks are plaguy impudent! +This fellow, by his assurance, can be no +less than a courtier.</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> He's rather a courtier by his borrowing.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> 'Faith, sir, I han't above five guineas +about me.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> What business have you here then, sir?—For, +to my knowledge, twenty won't be sufficient.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Sufficient! for what, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> What, sir! Why, for that, sir; what the +devil should it be, sir? I know your business, notwithstanding +all your gravity, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> My business! Why, my cousin lives +here.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I know your cousin does live here, and Vizard's +cousin, and every body's cousin——Harkye, +sir, I shall return immediately; and if you offer to +touch her till I come back, I shall cut your throat, +rascal. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Why, the man's mad, sure!</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Mad, sir! Ay——Why, he's a beau.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> A beau! What's that? Are all madmen +beaux?</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> No, sir; but most beaux are madmen.—But +now for your cousin. Remember your three +scrapes, a kiss, and your humble servant. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE III.</h4> + +<div class="center"><p class="noindent"><i>A Street.</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry Wildair</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span> +<i>following</i>.</p></div> +<p> </p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir Harry! Sir Harry!</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I am in haste, Colonel; besides, if you're +in no better humour than when I parted with you in +the park this morning, your company won't be very +agreeable.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> You're a happy man, Sir Harry, who +are never out of humour. Can nothing move your +gall, Sir Harry?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nothing but impossibilities, which are the +same as nothing.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What impossibilities?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> The resurrection of my father to disinherit +me, or an act of parliament against wenching. A +man of eight thousand pounds <i>per annum</i> to be vexed! +No, no; anger and spleen are companions for younger +brothers.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Suppose one called you a son of a +whore behind your back.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, then would I call him rascal behind +his back; so we're even.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> But suppose you had lost a mistress.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, then I would get another.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> But suppose you were discarded by +the woman you love; that would surely trouble you.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> You're mistaken, Colonel; my love is neither +romantically honourable, nor meanly mercenary; +'tis only a pitch of gratitude: while she loves +me, I love her; when she desists, the obligation's +void.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> But to be mistaken in your opinion, +sir; if the Lady Lurewell (only suppose it) had discarded +you—I say, only suppose it——and had sent +your discharge by me.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pshaw! that's another impossibility.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Are you sure of that?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, 'twere a solecism in nature. Why, +we are finger and glove, sir. She dances with me, +sings with me, plays with me, swears with me, lies +with me.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> How, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I mean in an honourable way; that is, she +lies for me. In short, we are as like one another as a +couple of guineas.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Now that I have raised you to the highest +pinnacle of vanity, will I give you so mortifying a +fall, as shall dash your hopes to pieces.—I pray +your honour to peruse these papers.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Gives him the Packet.</i></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> What is't, the muster-roll of your regiment, +colonel?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> No, no, 'tis a list of your forces in your +last love campaign; and, for your comfort, all disbanded.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pr'ythee, good metaphorical colonel, what +d'ye mean?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Read, sir, read; these are the Sibyl's +leaves, that will unfold your destiny.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> So it be not a false deed to cheat me of +my estate, what care I—[<i>Opening the Packet.</i>] Humph! +my hand!—<i>To the Lady Lurewell</i>—<i>To the Lady Lurewell</i>—<i>To +the Lady Lurewell</i>—What the devil hast +thou been tampering with, to conjure up these spirits?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> A certain familiar of your acquaintance, +sir. Read, read.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> [Reading.] <i>Madam, my passion——so natural——your +beauty contending——force of charms——mankind——eternal +admirer</i>, <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>.—I ne'er was +ashamed of my name before.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What, Sir Harry Wildair out of humour! +ha! ha! ha! Poor Sir Harry! More glory +in her smile than in the Jubilee at Rome; ha! ha! +ha! But then her foot, Sir Harry; she dances to a +miracle! ha! ha! ha! Fie, Sir Harry; a man of +your parts write letters not worth keeping!</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Now, why should I be angry that a woman +is a woman? Since inconstancy and falsehood are +grounded in their natures, how can they help it?—Here's +a copy of verses too: I must turn poet, in the +devil's name—Stay—'Sdeath, what's here?—This is +her hand——Oh, the charming characters!—[Reading.]—<i>My +dear Wildair</i>,—That's I, 'egad!—<i>This +huff-bluff Colonel</i>—that's he—<i>is the rarest fool in nature</i>—the +devil he is!—<i>and as such have I used him</i>.—With +all my heart, 'faith!—<i>I had no better way of letting +you know that I lodge in Pall Mall</i>—<span class="smallcaps">Lurewell</span>.<br /> +——Colonel, +I am your most humble servant.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Hold, sir, you shan't go yet; I ha'n't +<ins title="original has vered">delivered</ins> half my message.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Upon my faith, but you have, colonel.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Well, well, own your spleen; out with +it; I know you're like to burst.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I am so, 'egad; ha! ha! ha!</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Laugh and point at one another.</i></p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Ay, with all my heart; ha! ha! Well, +well, that's forced, Sir Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I was never better pleased in all my life, +by Jupiter.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Well, Sir Harry, 'tis prudence to hide +your concern, when there's no help for it. But, to +be serious, now; the lady has sent you back all your +papers there——I was so just as not to look upon +them.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I'm glad on't, sir; for there were some +things that I would not have you see.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> All this she has done for my sake; and I +desire you would decline any further pretensions for +your own sake. So, honest, goodnatured Sir Harry, +I'm your humble servant. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ha! ha! ha! poor colonel! Oh, the delight +of an ingenious mistress! what a life and briskness +it adds to an amour.—A legerdemain mistress, +who, <i>presto</i>! <i>pass</i>! and she's vanished; then <i>hey</i>! in +an instant in your arms again. <span class="ind2">[<i>Going.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Well met, Sir Harry—what news from the +island of love?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> 'Faith, we made but a broken voyage by +your chart; but now I am bound for another port: +I told you the colonel was my rival.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> The colonel—curs'd misfortune! another. <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> But the civilest in the world; he brought +me word where my mistress lodges. The story's too +long to tell you now, for I must fly.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> What, have you given over all thoughts of +Angelica?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> No, no; I'll think of her some other time. +But now for the Lady Lurewell. Wit and beauty +calls.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="text"> +<tr><td align="left">That mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Her little amorous frauds all truths excel,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And make us happy, being deceived so well.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exit.</i></td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> The colonel my rival too!——How shall +I manage? There is but one way——him and the +knight will I set a tilting, where one cuts t'other's +throat, and the survivor's hanged: so there will be +two rivals pretty decently disposed of. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> +<p> </p> + +<h4>SCENE IV.</h4> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell's</span> <i>Lodgings</i>.<br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p> </p> +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Has my servant brought me the money +from my merchant?</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> No, madam: he met Alderman Smuggler +at Charing-Cross, who has promised to wait on you +himself immediately.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> 'Tis odd that this old rogue should pretend +to love me, and at the same time cheat me of +my money.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> 'Tis well, madam, if he don't cheat you of +your estate; for you say the writings are in his +hands.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> But what satisfaction can I get of him?——Oh! +here he comes!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p>Mr. Alderman, your servant; have you brought me +any money, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> 'Faith, madam, trading is very dead; what +with paying the taxes, losses at sea abroad, and maintaining +our wives at home, the bank is reduced very +low; money is very scarce.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Come, come, sir; these evasions won't +serve your turn: I must have money, sir—I hope you +don't design to cheat me?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Cheat you, madam! have a care what you +say: I'm an alderman, madam——Cheat you, madam! +I have been an honest citizen these five-and-thirty +years.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> An honest citizen! Bear witness, Parly—I +shall trap him in more lies presently. Come, sir, +though I am a woman, I can take a remedy.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> What remedy, madam? You'll go to law, +will ye? I can maintain a suit of law, be it right or +wrong, these forty years—thanks to the honest practice +of the courts.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Sir, I'll blast your reputation, and so ruin +your credit.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Blast my reputation! he! he! he! Why, +I'm a religious man, madam; I have been very instrumental +in the reformation of manners. Ruin my +credit! Ah, poor woman! There is but one way, madam——you +have a sweet leering eye.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> You instrumental in the reformation?—How?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> I whipp'd all the pau-pau women out of +the parish—Ah, that leering eye! Ah, that lip! that +lip!</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Here's a religious rogue for you, now!—As +I hope to be saved, I have a good mind to beat +the old monster.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Madam, I have brought you about two hundred +and fifty guineas (a great deal of money, as times +go) and——</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Come, give 'em me.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Ah, that hand, that hand! that pretty, soft, +white——I have brought it; but the condition of the +obligation is such, that whereas that leering eye, that +pouting lip, that pretty soft hand, that—you understand +me; you understand; I'm sure you do, you +little rogue——</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Here's a villain, now, so covetous, that +he would bribe me with my own money. I'll be +revenged. [<i>Aside.</i>]—Upon my word, Mr. Alderman, +you make me blush,—what d'ye mean, pray?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> See here, madam. [<i>Pulls his Purse out.</i>]—Buss +and guinea! buss and guinea! buss and guinea!</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Well, Mr. Alderman, you have such pretty +winning ways, that I will—ha! ha! ha!</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Will you, indeed, he! he! he! my little +cocket? And when, and where, and how?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> 'Twill be a difficult point, sir, to secure +both our honours: you must therefore be disguised, +Mr. Alderman.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Pshaw! no matter; I am an old fornicator; +I'm not half so religious as I seem to be. You little +rogue, why I'm disguised as I am; our sanctity is all +outside, all hypocrisy.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> No man is seen to come into this house +after dark; you must therefore sneak in, when 'tis +dark, in woman's clothes.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> With all my heart——I have a suit on purpose, +my little cocket; I love to be disguised; 'ecod, +I make a very handsome woman, 'ecod, I do.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>, <i>who whispers</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Oh, Mr. Alderman, shall I beg you to +walk into the next room? Here are some strangers +coming up.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Buss and guinea first—Ah, my little cocket! <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> My life, my soul, my all that Heaven can +give!——</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Death's life with thee, without thee death to live. +Welcome, my dear Sir Harry——I see you got my +directions.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Directions! in the most charming manner, +thou dear Machiavel of intrigue.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Still brisk and airy, I find, Sir Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> The sight of you, madam, exalts my air, +and makes joy lighten in my face.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> I have a thousand questions to ask you, +Sir Harry. Why did you leave France so soon?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Because, madam, there is no existing where +you are not.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> <i>Oh, monsieur, je vous suis fort obligée</i>——But, +where's the court now?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> At Marli, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> And where my Count La Valier?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> His body's in the church of Nôtre Dame; +I don't know where his soul is.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> What disease did he die of?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> A duel, madam; I was his doctor.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> How d'ye mean?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> As most doctors do; I kill'd him.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> <i>En cavalier</i>, my dear knight-errant—Well, +and how, and how: what intrigues, what gallantries +are carrying on in the <i>beau monde</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I should ask you that question, madam, +since your ladyship makes the <i>beau-monde</i> wherever +you come.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Ah, Sir Harry, I've been almost ruined, +pestered to death here, by the incessant attacks of a +mighty colonel; he has besieged me.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I hope your ladyship did not surrender, +though.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> No, no; but was forced to capitulate. +But since you are come to raise the siege, we'll dance, +and sing, and laugh——</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> And love, and kiss——<i>Montrez moi votre +chambre?</i></p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> <i>Attends, attends, un peu</i>——I remember, +Sir Harry, you promised me, in Paris, never to ask +that impertinent question again.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pshaw, madam! that was above two +months ago: besides, madam, treaties made in France +are never kept.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Would you marry me, Sir Harry?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Oh! I do detest marriage.—But I will +marry you.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Your word, sir, is not to be relied on: if +a gentleman will forfeit his honour in dealings of business, +we may reasonably suspect his fidelity in an +amour.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> My honour in dealings of business! Why, +madam, I never had any business in all my life.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Yes, Sir Harry, I have heard a very odd +story, and am sorry that a gentleman of your figure +should undergo the scandal.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Out with it, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Why, the merchant, sir, that transmitted +your bills of exchange to you in France, complains of +some indirect and dishonourable dealings.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Who, old Smuggler?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Ay, ay, you know him, I find.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I have some reason, I think; why, the +rogue has cheated me of above five hundred pounds +within these three years.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> 'Tis your business then to acquit yourself +publicly; for he spreads the scandal every where.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Acquit myself publicly! I'll drive instantly +into the city, and cane the old villain: he shall run +the gauntlet round the Royal Exchange.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Why, he is in the house now, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> What, in this house?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Ay, in the next room.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then, sirrah, lend me your cudgel.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Sir Harry, you won't raise a disturbance +in my house?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Disturbance, madam! no, no, I'll beat him +with the temper of a philosopher. Here, Mrs. Parly, +show me the gentleman.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Now shall I get the old monster well +beaten, and Sir Harry pestered next term with bloodsheds, +batteries, costs, and damages, solicitors and +attorneys; and if they don't tease him out of his good +humour, I'll never plot again. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE V.</h4> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Another Room in the same House.</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span>.</p> +</div> +<p> </p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, this damned tide-waiter! A ship and +cargo worth five thousand pounds! Why, 'tis richly +worth five hundred perjuries.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Dear Mr. Alderman, I'm your most devoted +and humble servant.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> My best friend, Sir Harry, you're welcome +to England.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I'll assure you, sir, there's not a man in the +king's dominions I am gladder to meet, dear, dear +Mr. Alderman.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Bowing very low.</i></p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, lord, sir, you travellers have the most +obliging ways with you!</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> There is a business, Mr. Alderman, fallen +out, which you may oblige me infinitely by——I am +very sorry that I am forced to be troublesome; but +necessity, Mr. Alderman——</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Ay, sir, as you say, necessity——But, upon +my word, sir, I am very short of money at present; +but——</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> That's not the matter, sir; I'm above an +obligation that way: but the business is, I'm reduced +to an indispensable necessity of being obliged to you +for a beating——Here, take this cudgel.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> A beating, Sir Harry! ha! ha! ha! I beat +a knight baronet! an alderman turn cudgel-player! +Ha! ha! ha!</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Upon my word, sir, you must beat me, or I +cudgel you; take your choice.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Pshaw! pshaw! you jest.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, 'tis sure as fate——So, Alderman, I +hope you'll pardon my curiosity.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Strikes him.</i></p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Curiosity! Deuce take your curiosity, sir!—What +d'ye mean?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nothing at all; I'm but in jest, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, I can take any thing in jest! but a man +might imagine, by the smartness of the stroke, that +you were in downright earnest.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Not in the least, sir; [<i>Strikes him.</i>] not in +the least, indeed, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Pray, good sir, no more of your jests; for +they are the bluntest jests that ever I knew.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> [<i>Strikes.</i>] I heartily beg your pardon, with +all my heart, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Pardon, sir! Well, sir, that is satisfaction +enough from a gentleman. But, seriously, now, if +you pass any more of your jests upon me, I shall +grow angry.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I humbly beg your permission to break one +or two more. <span class="ind2">[<i>Strikes him.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, lord, sir, you'll break my bones! Are +you mad, sir? Murder, felony, manslaughter!</p> +<p class="right">[<span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry</span> <i>knocks him down</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons; but +I am absolutely compelled to it, upon my honour, sir: +nothing can be more averse to my inclinations, than +to jest with my honest, dear, loving, obliging friend, +the Alderman.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Striking him all this while</i>: <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span> <i>tumbles +over and over</i>.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Oh, lord! Sir Harry's murdering the poor +old man.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, dear madam, I was beaten in jest, till I +am murdered in good earnest.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Oh! you barbarous man!—Now the devil +take you, Sir Harry, for not beating him harder—Well, +my dear, you shall come at night, and I'll make +you amends.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Here</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry</span> <i>takes Snuff</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Madam, I will have amends before I leave +the place——Sir, how durst you use me thus!</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Sir?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Sir, I say that I will have satisfaction.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> With all my heart.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Throws Snuff into his Eyes.</i></p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, murder! blindness! fire! Oh, madam, +madam, get me some water. Water! fire! fire! water!</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> How pleasant is resenting an injury without +passion! 'Tis the beauty of revenge.</p> +<div class="center"> + <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="text"> +<tr><td align="left">No spleen, no trouble, shall my time destroy:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Life's but a span, I'll ev'ry inch enjoy.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exit.</i></td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="tiny" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>ACT THE THIRD.</h3> +<h4>SCENE I</h4> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>The Street.</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span>. +</p> +</div> +<p> </p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I bring him word where she lodged? I +the civilest rival in the world? 'Tis impossible.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> I shall urge it no farther, sir. I only thought, +sir, that my character in the world might add authority +to my words, without so many repetitions.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Pardon me, dear Vizard. Our belief +struggles hard, before it can be brought to yield to +the disadvantage of what we love. But what said +Sir Harry?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> He pitied the poor credulous colonel, +laughed heartily, flew away with all the raptures of +a bridegroom, repeating these lines:</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="text"> +<tr><td align="left">A mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> A mistress ne'er can pall! By all my +wrongs he whores her, and I am made their property.——Vengeance——Vizard, +you must carry a note +for me to Sir Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> What, a challenge? I hope you don't design +to fight?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What, wear the livery of my king, and +pocket an affront? 'Twere an abuse to his sacred Majesty: +a soldier's sword, Vizard, should start of itself, +to redress its master's wrong.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> However, sir, I think it not proper for me +to carry any such message between friends.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I have ne'er a servant here; what shall +I do?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> There's Tom Errand, the porter, that plies +at the Blue Posts, one who knows Sir Harry and his +haunts very well; you may send a note by him.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Here, you, friend.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> I have now some business, and must take +my leave; I would advise you, nevertheless, against +this affair.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> No whispering now, nor telling of friends, +to prevent us. He, that disappoints a man of an honourable +revenge, may love him foolishly like a wife, +but never value him as a friend.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Nay, the devil take him, that parts you, +say I. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Did your honour call porter?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Is your name Tom Errand?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> People call me so, an't like your worship.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> D'ye know Sir Harry Wildair?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Ay, very well, sir; he's one of my best masters; +many a round half crown have I had of his worship; +he's newly come home from France, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Go to the next coffee-house, and wait +for me.——Oh, woman, woman, how blessed is man, +when favoured by your smiles, and how accursed +when all those smiles are found but wanton baits to +sooth us to destruction. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>, <i>following</i>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Sir, sir, sir, having some business of importance +to communicate to you, I would beg your +attention to a trifling affair, that I would impart to +your understanding.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> What is your trifling business of importance, +pray, sweet sir?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Pray, sir, are the roads deep between +this and Paris?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why that question, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Because I design to go to the jubilee, +sir. I understand that you are a traveller, sir; there +is an air of travel in the tie of your cravat, sir: there +is indeed, sir——I suppose, sir, you bought this lace +in Flanders.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> No, sir, this lace was made in Norway.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Norway, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Yes, sir, of the shavings of deal boards.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> That's very strange now, 'faith—Lace +made of the shavings of deal boards! 'Egad, sir, you +travellers see very strange things abroad, very incredible +things abroad, indeed. Well, I'll have a cravat +of the very same lace before I come home.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> But, sir, what preparations have you made +for your journey?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> A case of pocket-pistols for the bravos, +and a swimming-girdle.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why these, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, lord, sir, I'll tell you——Suppose +us in Rome now; away goes I to some ball—for I'll +be a mighty beau. Then, as I said, I go to some +ball, or some bear-baiting—'tis all one, you know—then +comes a fine Italian <i>bona roba</i>, and plucks me by +the sleeve: Signior Angle, Signior Angle—She's a +very fine lady, observe that—Signior Angle, says she—Signiora, +says I, and trips after her to the corner +of a street, suppose it Russel Street, here, or any other +street: then, you know, I must invite her to the tavern; +I can do no less——There up comes her bravo; +the Italian grows saucy, and I give him an English +dowse on the face: I can box, sir, box tightly; +I was a 'prentice, sir——But then, sir, he whips out +his stiletto, and I whips out my bull-dog—slaps him +through, trips down stairs, turns the corner of Russel +Street again, and whips me into the ambassador's +train, and there I'm safe as a beau behind the scenes.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Is your pistol charged, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Only a brace of bullets, that's all, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> 'Tis a very fine pistol, truly; pray let me +see it.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> With all my heart, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Harkye, Mr. Jubilee, can you digest a brace +of bullets?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, by no means in the world, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I'll try the strength of your stomach, however. +Sir, you're a dead man.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Presenting the Pistol to his Breast.</i></p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Consider, dear sir, I am going to the +Jubilee: when I come home again, I am a dead man +at your service.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Oh, very well, sir; but take heed you are +not so choleric for the future.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Choleric, sir! Oons, I design to shoot +seven Italians in a week, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Sir, you won't have provocation.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Provocation, sir! Zouns, sir, I'll kill +any man for treading upon my corns: and there will +be a devilish throng of people there: they say that all +the princes of Italy will be there.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> And all the fops and fiddlers in Europe——But +the use of your swimming girdle, pray sir?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh lord, sir, that's easy. Suppose the +ship cast away; now, whilst, other foolish people are +busy at their prayers, I whip on my swimming girdle, +clap a month's provision in my pocket, and sails me +away, like an egg in a duck's belly. Well, sir, you must +pardon me now, I'm going to see my mistress. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> This fellow's an accomplished ass before he +goes abroad. Well, this Angelica has got into my +heart, and I cannot get her out of my head. I must +pay her t'other visit. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE II.</h4> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling's</span> <i>House</i>.<br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior</span>, +<i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span>.</p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Lady D.</i> This is my daughter, cousin.</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Now sir, remember your three scrapes.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> [<i>Saluting</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>.] One, two, three, +your humble servant. Was not that right, Dicky?</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ay, 'faith, sir; but why don't you speak to +her?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> I beg your pardon, Dicky; I know my +distance. Would you have me to speak to a lady at +the first sight?</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ay sir, by all means; the first aim is the +surest.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Now for a good jest, to make her laugh +heartily——By Jupiter Ammon, I'll give her a kiss.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Goes towards her.</i></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"> + <i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>, <i>interposing</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> 'Tis all to no purpose; I told you so before; +your pitiful five guineas will never do. You may go; +I'll outbid you.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> What the devil! the madman's here +again.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Bless me, cousin, what d'ye mean? Affront +a gentleman of his quality in my house?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Quality!—Why, madam, I don't know +what you mean by your madmen, and your beaux, +and your quality——they're all alike, I believe.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Pray, sir, walk with me into the next +room.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>, <i>leading</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span> <i>following</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Sir, if your conversation be no more agreeable +than 'twas the last time, I would advise you to +make your visit as short as you can.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> The offences of my last visit, madam, bore +their punishment in the commission; and have made +me as uneasy till I receive pardon, as your ladyship +can be till I sue for it.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Sir Harry, I did not well understand the offence, +and must therefore proportion it to the greatness +of your apology; if you would, therefore, have +me think it light, take no great pains in an excuse.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> How sweet must the lips be that guard that +tongue! Then, madam, no more of past offences; let +us prepare for joys to come. Let this seal my pardon.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Kisses her Hand.</i></p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Hold, sir: one question, Sir Harry, and pray +answer plainly—D'ye love me?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Love you! Does fire ascend? Do hypocrites +dissemble? Usurers love gold, or great men flattery? +Doubt these, then question that I love.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> This shows your gallantry, sir, but not your +love.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> View your own charms, madam, then judge +my passion.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> If your words be real, 'tis in your power to +raise an equal flame in me.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, then, I seize——</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Hold, sir; 'tis also possible to make me detest +and scorn you worse than the most profligate of +your deceiving sex.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ha! a very odd turn this. I hope, madam, +you only affect anger, because you know your frowns +are becoming.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Sir Harry, you being the best judge of your +own designs, can best understand whether my anger +should be real or dissembled; think what strict modesty +should bear, then judge of my resentment.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Strict modesty should bear! Why, 'faith, +madam, I believe, the strictest modesty may bear fifty +guineas, and I don't believe 'twill bear one farthing +more.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> What d'ye mean, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, madam, what do you mean? If you +go to that. I think now, fifty guineas is a fine offer +for your strict modesty, as you call it.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> I'm afraid you're mad, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, madam, you're enough to make any +man mad. 'Sdeath, are you not a——</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> What, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, a lady of—strict modesty, if you will +have it so.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> I shall never hereafter trust common report, +which represented you, sir, a man of honour, wit, and +breeding; for I find you very deficient in them all +three. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Now I find, that the strict pretences, which +the ladies of pleasure make to strict modesty, is the +reason why those of quality are ashamed to wear it.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Ah! Sir Harry, have I caught you? Well, +and what success?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Success! 'Tis a shame for you young fellows +in town here, to let the wenches grow so saucy. +I offered her fifty guineas, and she was in her airs presently, +and flew away in a huff. I could have had a +brace of countesses in Paris for half the money, and +<i>je vous remercie</i> into the bargain.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Gone in her airs, say you! and did not +you follow her?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Whither should I follow her?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Into her bedchamber, man; she went on +purpose. You a man of gallantry, and not understand +that a lady's best pleased when she puts on her +airs, as you call it!</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> She talked to me of strict modesty, and +stuff.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Certainly. Most women magnify their +modesty, for the same reason that cowards boast their +courage—because they have least on't. Come, come, +Sir Harry, when you make your next assault, encourage +your spirits with brisk Burgundy: if you succeed, +'tis well; if not, you have a fair excuse for your +rudeness. I'll go in, and make your peace for what's +past. Oh, I had almost forgot——Colonel Standard +wants to speak with you about some business.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I'll wait upon him presently; d'ye know +where he may be found?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> In the piazza of Covent Garden, about an +hour hence, I promised to see him: and there you +may meet him—to have your throat cut. [<i>Aside.</i>] I'll +go in and intercede for you.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> But no foul play with the lady, Vizard. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> No fair play, I can assure you. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE III.</h4> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>The Street before</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell's</span> <i>Lodgings</i>.<br /> +<br /> +<span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lurewell</span>, <i>coquetting in +the Balcony</i>.—<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Standard</span>.</p></div> +<p> </p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> How weak is reason in disputes of love! +I've heard her falsehood with such pressing proofs, +that I no longer should distrust it. Yet still my love +would baffle demonstration, and make impossibilities +seem probable. [<i>Looks up.</i>] Ha! That fool too! +What, stoop so low as that animal?—'Tis true, women +once fallen, like cowards in despair, will stick at +nothing; there's no medium in their actions. They +must be bright as angels, or black as fiends. But now +for my revenge; I'll kick her cully before her face, +call her whore, curse the whole sex, and leave her. <span class="ind2">[<i>Goes in.</i></span> +</p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE IV.</h4> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>A Dining Room.</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>. +</p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Oh lord, sir, it is my husband! What +will become of you?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Ah, your husband! Oh, I shall be +murdered! What shall I do? Where shall I run? I'll +creep into an oven—I'll climb up the chimney—I'll +fly—I'll swim;——I wish to the lord I were at the +Jubilee now.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Can't you think of any thing, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Think! not I; I never could think to +any purpose in my life.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> What do you want, sir?</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>. +</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Madam, I am looking for Sir Harry Wildair; +I saw him come in here this morning; and did imagine +he might be here still, if he is not gone.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> A lucky hit! Here, friend, change clothes +with this gentleman, quickly, strip.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Ay, ay, quickly strip; I'll give you +half a crown to boot. Come here; so.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>They change Clothes.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Now slip you [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clinch Senior</span>.] +down stairs, and wait at the door till my husband be +gone; and get you in there [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>.] till I +call you.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Puts</i> <span class="smallcaps">Errand</span> <i>in the next Room</i>.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>. +</p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Oh, sir, are you come? I wonder, sir, how you have +the confidence to approach me, after so base a trick.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Oh, madam, all your artifices won't +avail.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Nay, sir, your artifices won't avail. I +thought, sir, that I gave you caution enough against +troubling me with Sir Harry Wildair's company, when +I sent his letters back by you; yet you, forsooth, +must tell him where I lodged, and expose me again to +his impertinent courtship!</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I expose you to his courtship!</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> I'll lay my life you'll deny it now. Come, +come, sir: a pitiful lie is as scandalous to a red coat, +as an oath to a black.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> You're all lies; first, your heart is false; +your eyes are double; one look belies another; and +then your tongue does contradict them all—Madam, +I see a little devil just now hammering out a lie in your +pericranium.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> As I hope for mercy, he's in the right on't. <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Colonel. S.</i> Yes, yes, madam, I exposed you to the +courtship of your fool Clincher, too; I hope your female +wiles will impose that upon me——also——</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Clincher! Nay, now you're stark mad. +I know no such person.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Oh, woman in perfection! not know him! +'Slife, madam, can my eyes, my piercing jealous eyes, +be so deluded? Nay, madam, my nose could not mistake +him; for I smelt the fop by his pulvilio, from +the balcony down to the street.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> The balcony! ha! ha! ha! the balcony! +I'll be hanged but he has mistaken Sir Harry Wildair's +footman, with a new French livery, for a beau.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Sdeath, madam! what is there in me +that looks like a cully? Did I not see him?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> No, no, you could not see him; you're +dreaming, colonel. Will you believe your eyes, +now that I have rubbed them open?—Here, you +friend.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>, <i>in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior's</span> <i>Clothes</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> This is illusion all; my eyes conspire +against themselves. Tis legerdemain.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Legerdemain! Is that all your acknowledgment +for your rude behaviour?—Oh, what a curse +is it to love as I do!—Begone sir, [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>.] +to your impertinent master, and tell him I shall never +be at leisure to receive any of his troublesome visits.—Send +to me to know when I should be at home!—Begone, +sir. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>.] I am sure he has +made me an unfortunate woman. <span class="ind2">[<i>Weeps.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Nay, then there is no certainty in nature; +and truth is only falsehood well disguised.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Sir, had not I owned my fond, foolish +passion, I should not have been subject to such unjust +suspicions: but it is an ungrateful return. <span class="ind2">[<i>Weeping.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Now, where are all my firm resolves? I +hope, madam, you'll pardon me, since jealousy, that +magnified my suspicion, is as much the effect of love, +as my easiness in being satisfied.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Easiness in being satisfied! No, no, sir; +cherish your suspicions, and feed upon your jealousy: +'tis fit meat for your squeamish stomach.</p> +<div class="center"> + <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="text"> +<tr><td align="left">With me all women should this rule pursue:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Who think us false, should never find us true.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exit in a Rage.</i></td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span> <i>in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand's</span> <i>Clothes</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Well, intriguing is the prettiest, pleasantest +thing for a man of my parts.—How shall we +laugh at the husband, when he is gone?—How sillily +he looks! He's in labour of horns already.—To +make a colonel a cuckold! 'Twill be rare news for +the alderman.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> All this Sir Harry has occasioned; but +he's brave, and will afford me a just revenge.—Oh, +this is the porter I sent the challenge by——Well sir, +have you found him?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> What the devil does he mean now?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Have you given Sir Harry the note, fellow?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> The note! what note?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> The letter, blockhead, which I sent by +you to Sir Harry Wildair; have you seen him?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, lord, what shall I say now? Seen +him? Yes, sir—no, sir.—I have, sir—I have not, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> The fellow's mad. Answer me directly, +sirrah, or I'll break your head.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> I know Sir Harry very well, sir; but +as to the note, sir, I can't remember a word on't: +truth is, I have a very bad memory.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Oh, sir, I'll quicken your memory. <span class="ind2">[<i>Strikes him.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Zouns, sir, hold!—I did give him the +note.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> And what answer?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> I mean, I did not give him the note.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What, d'ye banter, rascal? <span class="ind2">[<i>Strikes him again.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Hold, sir, hold! He did send an answer.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What was't, villain?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Why, truly sir, I have forgot it: I told +you that I had a very treacherous memory.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I'll engage you shall remember me this +month, rascal.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Beats him, and exit.</i></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lurewell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Oh, my poor gentleman! and was it +beaten?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Yes, I have been beaten. But where's +my clothes? my clothes?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> What, you won't leave me so soon, my +dear, will ye?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Will ye!—If ever I peep into the colonel's +tent again, may I be forced to run the gauntlet. +But my clothes, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> I sent the porter down stairs with them: +did not you meet him?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Meet him? No, not I.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> No! He went out at the back door, and is +run clear away, I'm afraid.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Gone, say you, and with my clothes, +my fine Jubilee clothes?—Oh, the rogue, the thief!—I'll +have him hang'd for murder—But how shall I get +home in this pickle?</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> I'm afraid, sir, the colonel will be back presently, +for he dines at home.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, then I must sneak off. +Was ever such an unfortunate beau, +To have his coat well thrash'd, and lose his coat also! <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Methinks, madam, the injuries you have +suffered by men must be very great, to raise such +heavy resentments against the whole sex;—and, I +think, madam, your anger should be only confined to +the author of your wrongs.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> The author! alas, I know him not.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Not know him? Tis odd, madam, that a +man should rob you of that same jewel, and you not +know him.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Leave trifling: 'tis a subject that always +sours my temper: but since, by thy faithful service, I +have some reason to confide in your secresy, hear the +strange relation.—Some twelve years ago, I lived at +my father's house in Oxfordshire, blest with innocence, +the ornamental, but weak guard of blooming +beauty. Then it happened that three young gentlemen +from the university coming into the country, and +being benighted, and strangers, called at my father's: +he was very glad of their company, and offered them +the entertainment of his house.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Which they accepted, no doubt. Oh, these +strolling collegians are never abroad, but upon some +mischief.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Two of them had a heavy, pedantic air: +but the third——</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Ah, the third, madam—the third of all +things, they say, is very critical.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> He was—but in short, nature formed him +for my undoing. His very looks were witty, and his +expressive eyes spoke softer, prettier things, than words +could frame.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> There will be mischief by and by; I never +heard a woman talk so much of eyes, but there were +tears presently after.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> My father was so well pleased with his +conversation, that he begged their company next day; +they consented, and next night, Parly——</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Ah, next night, madam——next night (I'm +afraid) was a night indeed.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> He bribed my maid, with his gold, out of +her modesty; and me, with his rhetoric, out of my +honour. [<i>Weeps.</i>] He swore that he would come +down from Oxford in a fortnight, and marry me.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> The old bait, the old bait—I was cheated +just so myself. [<i>Aside.</i>] But had not you the wit to +know his name all this while?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> He told me that he was under an obligation +to his companions, of concealing himself then, but, +that he would write to me in two days, and let me +know his name and quality. After all the binding +oaths of constancy, I gave him a ring with this motto—"<i>Love +and Honour</i>"—then we parted, and I never +saw the dear deceiver more.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> No, nor never will, I warrant you.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> I need not tell my griefs, which my father's +death made a fair pretence for; he left me sole +heiress and executrix to three thousand pounds a +year: at last, my love for this single dissembler turned +to a hatred of the whole sex; and, resolving to divert +my melancholy, I went to travel. Here I will +play my last scene; then retire to my country-house, +and live solitary. We shall have that old impotent +lecher, Smuggler, here to-night; I have a plot to +swinge him, and his precise nephew, Vizard.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> I think, madam, you manage every body +that comes in your way.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> No, Parly; those men, whose pretensions +I found just and honourable, I fairly dismissed, by letting +them know my firm resolutions never to marry, +But those villains, that would attempt my honour, I've +seldom failed to manage.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> What d'ye think of the colonel, madam? I +suppose his designs are honourable.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> That man's a riddle; there's something of +honour in his temper that pleases; I'm sure he loves +me too, because he's soon jealous, and soon satisfied.—But +hang him, I have teased him enough—Besides, +Parly, I begin to be tired of my revenge: but this +buss and guinea I must maul once more. I'll hansel +his woman's clothes for him. Go, get me pen and ink; +I must write to Vizard too.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="text"> +<tr><td align="left">Fortune, this once assist me as before:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Two such machines can never work in vain,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">As thy propitious wheel, and my projecting brain.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="tiny" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>ACT THE FOURTH.</h3> +<h4>SCENE I</h4> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Covent Garden.</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>, +<i>meeting</i>.</p> +</div> +<p> </p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I thought, Sir Harry, to have met you +ere this in a more convenient place; but since my +wrongs were without ceremony, my revenge shall be +so too.—Draw, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Draw, sir! What shall I draw?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Come, come, sir, I like your facetious +humour well enough; it shows courage and unconcern. +I know you brave, and therefore use you thus. +Draw your sword.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, to oblige you, I will draw; but the +devil take me if I fight.—Perhaps, colonel, this is the +prettiest blade you have seen.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I doubt not but the arm is good; and +therefore think both worth my resentment. Come, +sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> But, pr'ythee, colonel, dost think that I am +such a madman, as to send my soul to the devil and +body to the worms—upon every fool's errand? <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I hope you're no coward, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Coward, sir! I have eight thousand pounds +a year, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> You fought in the army, to my knowledge.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, for the same reason that I wore a red +coat; because 'twas fashionable.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir, you fought a French count in Paris.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> True, sir, he was a beau, like myself. Now +you're a soldier, colonel, and fighting's your trade; +and I think it downright madness to contend with +any man in his profession.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Come, sir, no more dallying; I shall +take very unseemly methods, if you don't show yourself +a gentleman.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> A gentleman! Why, there again, now. A +gentleman! I tell you once more, colonel, that I am +a baronet, and have eight thousand pounds a year. I +can dance, sing, ride, fence, understand the languages—Now +I can't conceive how running you through +the body should contribute one jot more to my gentility. +But pray, colonel, I had forgot to ask you, +what's the quarrel?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> A woman, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then I put up my sword. Take her.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir, my honour's concerned.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, if your honour be concerned with a +woman, get it out of her hands as soon as you can.—An +honourable lover is the greatest slave in nature: +some will say, the greatest fool. Come, come, colonel, +this is something about the Lady Lurewell, I +warrant; I can give you satisfaction in that affair.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Do so then immediately.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Put up your sword first; you know I dare +fight, but I had much rather make you a friend than +an enemy. I can assure you this lady will prove too +hard for one of your temper. You have too much +honour, too much in conscience, to be a favourite +with the ladies.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I'm assured, sir, she never gave you any +encouragement.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> A man can never hear reason with his +sword in his hand. Sheath your weapon; and then, +if I don't satisfy you, sheath it in my body.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Give me but demonstration of her granting +you any favour, and it is enough.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Will you take my word?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Pardon me, sir, I cannot.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Will you believe your own eyes?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Tis ten to one whether I shall or no; +they have deceived me already.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> That's hard—but some means I shall devise +for your satisfaction—[<i>Noise.</i>]—We must fly this +place, else that cluster of mob will overwhelm us. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mob</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand's</span> <i>Wife hurrying in</i> +<span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span> <i>in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Errand's</span> <i>Clothes</i>. + </p> +</div> +<p><i>Wife.</i> Oh! the villain, the rogue, he has murdered +my husband. Ah, my poor Timothy! <span class="ind2">[<i>Crying.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Dem your Timothy!—your husband +has murdered me, woman; for he has carried away +my fine Jubilee clothes.</p> + +<p><i>Mob.</i> Away with him——away with him to the +Thames.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, if I had but my swimming girdle +now!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Constable</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Const.</i> Hold, neighbours, I command the peace.</p> + +<p><i>Wife.</i> Oh, Mr. Constable, here's a rogue that has +murdered my husband, and robbed him of his clothes.</p> + +<p><i>Const.</i> Murder and robbery!—Then he must be a +gentleman.——Hands off there; he must not be +abused.——Give an account of yourself. Are you a +gentleman?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> No, sir, I'm a beau.</p> + +<p><i>Const.</i> A beau—Then you have killed nobody, I'm +persuaded. How came you by these clothes, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> You must know, sir, that walking along, +sir, I don't know how, sir, I can't tell where, sir,—and +so the porter and I changed clothes, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Const.</i> Very well. The man speaks reason, and like +a gentleman.</p> + +<p><i>Wife.</i> But pray, Mr. Constable, ask him how he +changed clothes with him.</p> + +<p><i>Const.</i> Silence, woman, and don't disturb the court. +Well, sir, how did you change clothes?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Why, sir, he pulled off my coat, and I +drew off his: so I put on his coat, and he put on +mine.</p> + +<p><i>Const.</i> Why, neighbour, I don't find that he's guilty: +search him—and if he carries no arms about him, +we'll let him go.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>They search his Pockets, and pull out his Pistols.</i></p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, gemini! My Jubilee pistols!</p> + +<p><i>Const.</i> What, a case of pistols! Then the case is +plain. Speak, what are you, sir? Whence came you, +and whither go you?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Sir, I came from Russel Street, and am +going to the Jubilee.</p> + +<p><i>Wife.</i> You shall go the gallows, you rogue.</p> + +<p><i>Const.</i> Away with him, away with him to Newgate, +straight.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> I shall go to the Jubilee now, indeed.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir. H. Wildair</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> In short, colonel, 'tis all nonsense—fight +for a woman! Hard by is the lady's house, if you +please, we'll wait on her together: you shall draw +your sword—I'll draw my snuff-box: you shall produce +your wounds received in war—I'll relate mine by +Cupid's dart: you shall swear—I'll sigh: you shall +sa, sa, and I'll coupée; and if she flies not to my arms, +like a hawk to its perch, my dancing-master deserves +to be damned.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> With the generality of women, I grant +you, these arts may prevail.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Generality of women! Why there again, +you're out. They're all alike, sir: I never heard of +any one that was particular, but one.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Who was she, pray?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Penelope, I think she's called, and that's a +poetical story too. When will you find a poet in our +age make a woman so chaste?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Well, Sir Harry, your facetious humour +can disguise falsehood, and make calumny pass for +satire; but you have promised me ocular demonstration +that she favours you: make that good, and I +shall then maintain faith and female to be as inconsistent +as truth and falsehood.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> But will you be convinced, if our plot succeeds.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I rely on your word and honour, Sir +Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then meet me half an hour hence at the +Shakspeare; you must oblige me by taking a hearty +glass with me toward the fitting me out for a certain +project, which this night I undertake.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I guess, by the preparation, that woman's +the design.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Yes, 'faith.—I am taken dangerously ill with +two foolish maladies, modesty and love: the first I'll +cure with Burgundy, and my love by a night's lodging +with the damsel. A sure remedy. <i>Probatum est.</i></p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I'll certainly meet you, sir. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt severally.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Ah, Dick, this London is a sad place, a +sad vicious place: I wish that I were in the country +again. And this brother of mine—I'm sorry he's so +great a rake: I had rather see him dead than see him +thus.</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ay, sir, he'll spend his whole estate at this +same Jubilee. Who d'ye think lives at this same Jubilee?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Who, pray?</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> The Pope.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> The devil he does! My brother go to the +place where the Pope dwells! He's bewitched, sure!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>, <i>in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior's</span> <i>Clothes</i>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Indeed, I believe he is, for he's strangely altered.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Altered! Why, he looks like a Jesuit +already.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> This lace will sell. What a blockhead was +the fellow to trust me with his coat! If I can get +cross the garden, down to the water-side, I am pretty +secure.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Brother?—Alaw! Oh, gemini! Are you +my brother?</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> I seize you in the kings name, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Oh, lord! should this prove some parliament +man now!</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Speak, you rogue, what are you?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> A poor porter, and going of an errand.</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> What errand? Speak, you rogue.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> A fool's errand, I'm afraid.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Who sent you?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> A beau, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> No, no; the rogue has murdered your +brother, and stripped him of his clothes.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Murdered my brother! Oh, crimini! +Oh, my poor Jubilee brother! Stay, by Jupiter Ammon, +I'm heir though. Speak, sir, have you killed +him? Confess that you have killed him, and I'll give +you half a crown.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Who I, sir? Alack-a-day, sir, I never killed +any man, but a carrier's horse once.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Then you shall certainly be hanged; +but confess that you killed him, and we'll let you go.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Telling the truth hangs a man, but confessing +a lie can do no harm: besides, if the worst come to +the worst, I can but deny it again.—Well, sir, since I +must tell you, I did kill him.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Here's your money, sir.—But are you +sure you killed him dead?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Sir, I'll swear it before any judge in England.</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> But are you sure that he's dead in law?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Dead in law! I can't tell whether he be +dead in law. But he's as dead as a door nail; for I +gave him seven knocks on the head with a hammer.</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Then you have the estate by statute. Any +man that's knocked on the head is dead in law.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> But are you sure he was compos mentis +when he was killed?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> I suppose he was, sir; for he told me nothing +to the contrary afterwards.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Hey! Then I go to the Jubilee.—Strip, +sir, strip. By Jupiter Ammon, strip.</p> + +<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ah! don't swear, sir.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Puts on his Brother's Clothes.</i></p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Swear, sir! Zoons, ha'n't I got the estate, +sir? Come, sir, now I'm in mourning for my brother.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> I hope you'll let me go now, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Yes, yes, sir; but you must do the favour +to swear positively before a magistrate, that you killed +him dead, that I may enter upon the estate without +any trouble. By Jupiter Ammon, all my religion's +gone, since I put on these fine clothes.—Hey, call me +a coach somebody.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Ay, master, let me go, and I'll call one immediately.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> No, no; Dicky, carry this spark before a +justice, and when he has made oath, you may discharge +him. And I'll go see Angelica. [<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span> +<i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom</span>.] Now that I'm an elder brother, I'll court, +and swear, and rant and rake, and go to the Jubilee +with the best of them. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE II.</h4> + +<div class="center"><p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell's</span> <i>House</i>.<br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>.</p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Lure.</i> Are you sure that Vizard had my letter?</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Yes, yes, madam; one of your ladyship's footmen +gave it to him in the Park, and he told the bearer, +with all transports of joy, that he would be punctual +to a minute.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Thus most villains some time or other are +punctual to their ruin; Are all things prepared for +his reception?</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Exactly to your ladyship's order: the alderman +too is just come, dressed and cooked up for iniquity.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Then he has got woman's clothes on?</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Yes, madam, and has passed upon the family +for your nurse.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Convey him into that closet, and put out +the candles, and tell him, I'll wait on him presently. +When he is tired of his situation, let the servants pretend +they take him for a common rogue, come with +the intent to rob the house, and pump him heartily.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>As</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span> <i>goes to put out the Candles,<br /> +somebody knocks.—Music plays without.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am +not <ins title="original lacks to">to</ins> be spoken with.</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Sir, my lady is not to be spoken with.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> [<i>Without.</i>] I must have that from her own +mouth, Mrs. Parly. Play, gentlemen.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Music plays again.</i></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> 'Tis too early for serenading, Sir Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Wheresoever love is, there music is proper.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> But, Sir Harry, what tempest drives you +here at this hour?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> No tempest, madam, but love madam.</p> +<p class="right">[<span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span> <i>taking her by the Hand</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> As pure and white as angels' soft desires.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Fierce, as when ripe consenting beauty fires.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> [<i>Aside.</i>] If this be a love token, [<span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span> +<i>drops a ring, she takes it up</i>.] your mistress's +favours hang very loose about you, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I can't, justly, madam, pay your trouble +of taking it up, by any thing but desiring you to wear it.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> You gentlemen have the cunningest ways +of playing the fool, and are so industrious in your +profuseness. Speak seriously, am I beholden to chance +or design for this ring?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> To design, upon my honour. And I hope +my design will succeed. <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Shall I be free with you, Sir Harry?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> With all my heart, madam, so I may be +free with you.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Then plainly, sir, I shall beg the favour +to see you some other time; for at this very minute +I have two lovers in the house.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then to be as plain, I must begone this minute, +for I must see another mistress within these two +hours.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Frank and free.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> As you with me—Madam, your most humble +servant. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Nothing can disturb his humour. Now +for my merchant and Vizard.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit, and takes the Candles with her.</i></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>, <i>leading in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span>,<br /> + <i>dressed in Woman's Clothes</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> This way, Mr. Alderman.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Well, Mrs. Parly,—I'm obliged to you for +this trouble: here are a couple of shillings for you. +Times are hard, very hard indeed; but next time I'll +steal a pair of silk stockings from my wife, and bring +them to you—What are you fumbling about my pockets +for?</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Only setting the plaits of your gown: here, +sir, get into this closet, and my lady will wait on you +presently.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Puts him into the Closet, runs out,<br /> and returns +with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Where wouldst thou lead me, my dear +auspicious little pilot?</p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> You're almost in port, sir; my lady's in the +closet, and will come out to you immediately.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Let me thank thee as I ought. <span class="ind2">[<i>Kisses her.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Parly.</i> Pshaw, who has hired me best? a couple of +shillings, or a couple of kisses?</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Propitious darkness guides the lover's steps; +and night, that shadows outward sense, lights up our +inward joy.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> My nephew's voice, and certainly possessed +with an evil spirit.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Ha! I hear a voice. Madam——my life, my +happiness, where are you, madam?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Madam! He takes me for a woman too: I'll +try him. Where have you left your sanctity, Mr. Vizard?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Talk no more of that ungrateful subject—I +left it where it has only business, with day-light; 'tis +needless to wear a mask in the dark.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Well, sir, but I suppose your dissimulation +has some other motive besides pleasure?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Yes, madam, the honestest motive in the +world—interest——You must know, madam, that I +have an old uncle, Alderman Smuggler; you have seen +him, I suppose.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Yes, yes, I have some small acquaintance +with him.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> 'Tis the most knavish, precise, covetous old +rogue, that ever died of the gout.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Ah, the young son of a whore! [<i>Aside.</i>] +Well, sir, and what of him?</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why, madam, he has a swingeing estate, +which I design to purchase as a saint, and spend like a +gentleman. He got it by cheating, and should lose it +by deceit. By the pretence of my zeal and sobriety, I'll +cozen the old miser, one of these days, out of a settlement +and deed of conveyance——</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> It shall be a deed to convey you to the gallows +then, ye young dog. <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> And no sooner he's dead, but I'll rattle over +his grave with a coach and six, to inform his covetous +ghost how genteelly I spend his money.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> I'll prevent you, boy; for I'll have my money +buried with me. <span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Bless me, madam! here's a light coming +this way. I must fly immediately.——When shall I +see you, madam?</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Sooner than you expect, my dear.</p> + +<p><i>Vizard.</i> Pardon me, dear madam, I would not be +seen for the world. I would sooner forfeit my life, my +pleasure, than my reputation. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> Egad, and so would I too. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="tiny" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>ACT THE FIFTH.</h3> +<h4>SCENE I</h4> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling's</span> <i>House</i>.<br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>. +</p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Daughter, since you have to deal with a +man of so peculiar a temper, you must not think the +general arts of love can secure him; you may therefore +allow such a courtier some encouragement extraordinary, +without reproach to your modesty.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> I am sensible, madam, that a formal nicety +makes our modesty sit awkward, and appears rather +a chain to enslave, than a bracelet to adorn us; it +should show, when unmolested, easy and innocent as +a dove, but strong and vigorous as a falcon, when assaulted.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> I'm afraid, daughter, you mistake Sir +Harry's gaiety for dishonour.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Though modesty, madam, may wink, it must +not sleep, when powerful enemies are abroad. I must +confess, that, of all men's, I would not see Sir Harry +Wildair's faults.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> You must certainly be mistaken, Angelica; +for I'm satisfied Sir Harry's designs are only +to court and marry you.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> His pretence, perhaps, was such. Pray, madam, +by what means were you made acquainted with +his designs?</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Means, child! Why, my cousin Vizard, +who, I'm sure, is your sincere friend, sent him. He +brought me this letter from my cousin.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Gives her the Letter, which she opens.</i></p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Ha! Vizard!—then I'm abused in earnest—Would +Sir Harry, by his instigation, fix a base affront +upon me? No, I can't suspect him of so ungenteel a +crime—This letter shall trace the truth. [<i>Aside.</i>]—My +suspicions, madam, are much cleared; and I +hope to satisfy your ladyship in my management, +when I next see Sir Harry.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Serv.</i> Madam, here's a gentleman below, calls himself +Wildair.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Conduct him up. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>.] Daughter, +I won't doubt your discretion. </p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry Wildair</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Oh, the delights of love and Burgundy!—Madam, +I have toasted your ladyship fifteen bumpers +successively, and swallowed Cupids like loches +to every glass.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> And what then, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, then, madam, the wine has got into +my head, and the Cupids into my heart; and unless, +by quenching quick my flame, you kindly ease the +smart, I'm a lost man, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Drunkenness, Sir Harry, is the worst pretence +a gentleman can make for rudeness; for the +excuse is as scandalous as the fault. Therefore, pray +consider who you are so free with, sir; a woman of +condition, that can call half a dozen footmen upon +occasion.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, madam, if you have a mind to toss +me in a blanket, half a dozen chambermaids would +do better service. Come, come, madam; though the +wine makes me lisp, yet it has taught me to speak +plainer. By all the dust of my ancient progenitors, +I must this night rest in your arms.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Nay, then——who waits there?</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Footmen</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p>Take hold of that madman, and bind him.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, then, Burgundy's the word; slaughter +will ensue. Hold—Do you know, scoundrels, that I +have been drinking victorious Burgundy? <span class="ind2">[<i>Draws.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Servants.</i> We know you're drunk, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then how have you the impudence, rascals, +to assault a gentleman with a couple of flasks of courage +in his head?</p> + +<p><i>Servants.</i> We must do as our young mistress commands +us.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, then, have among ye, dogs! [<i>Throws +Money among them; they scramble and take it up: he +pelting them out, shuts the Door, and returns.</i>] Rascals, +poltroons!—I have charmed the dragon, and now the +fruit's my own. I have put the whole army to flight; +and now I'll take the general prisoner.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Laying hold on her.</i></p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> I conjure you, sir, by the sacred name of +Honour, by your dead father's name, and the fair reputation +of your mother's chastity, that you offer not +the least offence. Already you have wronged me past +redress.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Thou art the most unaccountable creature——</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> What madness, Sir Harry, what wild dream +of loose desire, could prompt you to attempt this baseness?—View +me well——the brightness of my mind, +methinks, should lighten outwards, and let you see +your mistake in my behaviour.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> [<i>Mimicking.</i>] Tal tidum, tidum, tal ti didi +didum. A million to one, now, but this girl is just +come flush from reading the Rival Queens——'Egad, +I'll at her in her own cant—Oh, my Statira! Oh, my +angry dear! turn thy eyes on me—behold thy beau +in buskins.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Behold me, sir; view me with a sober thought, +free from those fumes of wine that throw a mist before +your sight, and you shall find that every glance +from my reproaching eyes is armed with sharp resentment, +and with a virtuous pride that looks dishonour +dead.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> This is the first whore in heroics that I have +met with. [<i>Aside.</i>] Lookye, madam, as to that slender +particular of your virtue, we sha'n't quarrel about it; +you may be as virtuous as any woman in England, if +you please. But, pray, madam, be pleased to consider, +what is this same virtue that you make such a +mighty noise about—Can your virtue keep you a +coach and six? No, no; your virtuous women walk +on foot.—Can your virtue stake for you at picquet? +No. Then what business has a woman with virtue? +Come, come, madam, I offered you fifty guineas; +there's a hundred——The devil!—virtuous still!—Why, +it is a hundred, five score, a hundred guineas.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Oh, indignation! Were I a man, you durst +not use me thus. But the mean, poor abuse you +throw on me, reflects upon yourself: our sex still +strikes an awe upon the brave, and only cowards +dare affront a woman.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Affront! 'Sdeath, madam, a hundred guineas +will set you up a bank at basset; a hundred guineas +will furnish out your closet with china; a hundred +guineas will give you an air of quality; a hundred +guineas will buy you a rich cabinet for your +billet-doux, or a fine Common Prayer Book for your +virtue; a hundred guineas will buy a hundred fine +things, and fine things are for fine ladies, and fine +ladies are for fine gentlemen, and fine gentlemen are——'Egad, +this Burgundy makes a man speak like +an angel——Come, come, madam, take it, and put it +to what use you please.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> I'll use it as I would the base unworthy +giver, thus——</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Throws down the Purse, and stamps upon it.</i></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I have no mind to meddle in state affairs; +but these women will make me a parliament-man in +spite of my teeth, on purpose to bring in a bill against +their extortion. She tramples under foot that deity +which all the world adores—Oh, the blooming pride +of beautiful eighteen!—Pshaw!—I'll talk to her no +longer; I'll make my market with the old gentlewoman; +she knows business better——[<i>Goes to the +Door.</i>]—Here, you, friend: pray, desire the old lady +to walk in——Harkye, 'egad, madam, I'll tell your +mother.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Well, Sir Harry, and how d'ye like my +daughter, pray?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Like her, madam!—Harkye, will you take +it?—Why, 'faith, madam—Take the money, I say, +or, 'egad, all's out.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> All shall out—Sir, you are a scandal to the +name of gentleman.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> With all my heart, madam—In short, madam, +your daughter has used me somewhat too familiarly, +though I have treated her like a woman of quality.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> How, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, madam, I have offered her a hundred +guineas.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> A hundred guineas! Upon what score?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Upon what score! Lord, lord, how these +old women love to hear bawdy!—Why, 'faith, madam, +I have never a <i>double entendre</i> ready at present; +but I suppose you know upon what score.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Hold, sir, stop your abusive tongue, too loose +for modest ears to hear——Madam, I did before suspect, +that his designs were base, now they're too +plain; this knight, this mighty man of wit and humour, +is made a tool to a knave—Vizard has sent +him on a bully's errand, to affront a woman; but I +scorn the abuse, and him that offered it.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> How, sir, come to affront us! D'ye know +who we are, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Know who you are! Why, your daughter +there, is Mr. Vizard's—cousin, I suppose. And for +you, madam—I suppose your ladyship to be one of +those civil, obliging, discreet old gentlewomen, who +keep their visiting days for the entertainment of their +presenting friends, whom they treat with imperial +tea, a private room, and a pack of cards. Now I +suppose you do understand me.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> This is beyond sufferance! But say, thou +abusive man, what injury have you ever received from +me, or mine, thus to engage you in this scandalous +aspersion.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Yes, sir, what cause, what motives could induce +you thus to debase yourself below your rank?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Heyday! Now, dear Roxana, and you, +my fair Statira, be not so very heroic in your style: +Vizard's letter may resolve you, and answer all the +impertinent questions you have made me.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D. and Ang.</i> We appeal to that.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> And I'll stand to't; he read it to me, and +the contents were pretty plain, I thought.</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Here, sir, peruse it, and see how much we +are injured, and you deceived.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> [<i>Opening the Letter.</i>] But hold, madam, +[<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.] before I read I'll make some +condition:—Mr. Vizard says here, that I won't scruple +thirty or forty pieces. Now, madam, if you have +clapped in another cypher to the account, and made +it three or four hundred, 'egad I'll not stand to't.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> The letter, sir, shall answer you.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Well then—[Reads.] <i>Out of my earnest inclination +to serve your ladyship, and my cousin Angelica</i>—Ay, +ay, the very words, I can say it by heart—<i>I +have sent Sir Harry Wildair to</i>—What the devil's +this?—<i>Sent Sir Harry Wildair to court my cousin</i>—He +read to me quite a different thing—<i>He's a gentleman +of great parts and fortune</i>—He's a son of a whore, +and a rascal—<i>And would make your daughter very +happy</i> [Whistles.] <i>in a husband</i>.——[<i>Looks foolish, and +hums a Song.</i>]—Oh! poor Sir Harry, what have thy +angry stars designed?</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Now, sir, I hope you need no instigation to +redress our wrongs, since even the injury points the +way.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Think, sir, that our blood for many generations +has run in the purest channel of unsullied honour.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, madam. <span class="ind2">[<i>Bows to her.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Consider what a tender flower is woman's reputation, +which the least air of foul detraction blasts.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Yes, madam. <span class="ind2">[<i>Bows to the other.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Call then to mind your rude and scandalous +behaviour.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Right, madam. <span class="ind2">[<i>Bows again.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> Remember the base price you offered me. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Very true, madam. Was ever man so catechized?</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> And think that Vizard,—villain Vizard,—caused +all this, yet lives: that's all: farewell.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Stay, madam, [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.] one +word; is there no other way to redress your wrongs, +but by fighting?</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Only one, sir; which, if you can think +of, you may do: you know the business I entertained +you for.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I understand you, madam. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady +Darling</span>.] Here am I brought to a very pretty dilemma. +I must commit murder, or commit matrimony; +which is the best now? a license from Doctors' +Commons, or a sentence from the Old Bailey?—If +I kill my man, the law hangs me; if I marry +my woman, I shall hang myself.——But, damn it—cowards +dare fight:—I'll marry, that's the most daring +action of the two. <span class="ind2"><i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE II.</h4> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Newgate.</i><br /> +<br /> +<span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>, <i>solus</i>.</p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> How severe and melancholy are Newgate +reflections! Last week my father died; yesterday +I turned beau; to-day I am laid by the heels, +and to-morrow shall be hung by the neck.——I was +agreeing with a bookseller about printing an account +of my journey through France and Italy; but now +the history of my travels must be through Holborn, +to Tyburn.—"The last dying speech of Beau Clincher, +that was going to the Jubilee—Come, a +halfpenny a-piece."—A sad sound, a sad sound, 'faith! +'Tis one way to make a man's death make a great noise +in the world.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">A reprieve! a reprieve! thou dear, dear—damned +rogue. Where have you been? Thou art the most +welcome—son of a whore; where's my clothes?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Sir, I see where mine are. Come, sir, strip, +sir, strip.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Sir, you cannot master me, for I am +twenty thousand strong.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt, struggling.</i></p> +<p> </p> + +<h4>SCENE III.</h4> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling's</span> <i>House</i>.<br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span>, <i>with Cards</i>; <span class="smallcaps">Servants</span> +<i>following</i>. +</p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Here, fly all around, and bear these as directed; +you to Westminster, you to St. James's, and +you into the city. Tell all my friends, a bridegroom's +joy invites their presence. Tell them, I am married. +If any ask to whom, make no reply; but tell them, +that I am married; that joy shall crown the day, +and love the night. Begone, fly.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">A thousand welcomes, friend; my pleasure's now +complete, since I can share it with my friend: brisk +joy shall bound from me to you; then back again; +and, like the sun, grow warmer by reflection.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> You are always pleasant, Sir Harry; but +this transcends yourself: whence proceeds it?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Canst thou not guess, my friend? Whence +flows all earthly joy? What is the life of man, and +soul of pleasure? Woman.——What fires the heart +with transport, and the soul with raptures?—Lovely +woman——What is the master-stroke and smile of +the creation, but charming, virtuous woman?—Methinks, +my friend, you relish not my joy. What is +the cause?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Canst thou not guess?—What is the bane +of man, and scourge of life, but woman?—What is +the heathenish idol man sets up, and is damned for +worshipping? Treacherous woman.—Woman, whose +composition inverts humanity; their bodies heavenly, +but their souls are clay.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Come, come, colonel, this is too much: I +know your wrongs received from Lurewell may +excuse your resentment against her. But it is unpardonable +to charge the failings of a single woman +upon the whole sex. I have found one, whose virtues——</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> So have I, Sir Harry; I have found +one whose pride's above yielding to a prince. And +if lying, dissembling, perjury, and falsehood, be no +breaches in a woman's honour, she is as innocent as +infancy.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Well, colonel, I find your opinion grows +stronger by opposition; I shall now, therefore, wave +the argument, and only beg you for this day to make +a show of complaisance at least.—Here comes my +charming bride.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> [<i>Saluting</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>.] I wish you, +madam, all the joys of love and fortune.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Gentlemen and ladies, I'm just upon +the spur, and have only a minute to take my leave.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Whither are you bound, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Bound, sir! I'm going to the Jubilee, +sir.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> Bless me, cousin! how came you by these +clothes?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Clothes! ha! ha! ha! the rarest jest! +ha! ha! ha! I shall burst, by Jupiter Ammon—I +shall burst.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> What's the matter, cousin?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> The matter! ha! ha! Why, an honest +porter, ha! ha! ha! has knocked out my brother's +brains—ha! ha! ha!</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> A very good jest, i'faith—ha! ha! ha!</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Ay, sir; but the best jest of all is, he +knocked out his brains with a hammer—and so he is +as dead as a door-nail! ha! ha! ha!</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> And do you laugh, wretch?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Laugh! ha! ha! ha! let me see e'er a +younger brother in England, that won't laugh at such +a jest!</p> + +<p><i>Ang.</i> You appeared a very sober, pious gentleman, +some hours ago.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Pshaw! I was a fool then; but now, +madam, I'm a wit; I can rake now. As for your +part, madam, you might have had me once; but +now, madam, if you should fall to eating chalk, or +gnawing the sheets, it is none of my fault. Now, +madam, I have got an estate, and I must go to the +Jubilee.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>, <i>in a Blanket</i>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Must you so, rogue—must ye? You will +go to the Jubilee, will you?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> A ghost! a ghost! send for the Dean +and Chapter presently.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> A ghost! No, no, sirrah! I'm an elder +brother, rogue.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> I don't care a farthing for that; I'm +sure you're dead in law.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Why so, sirrah—why so?</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Because, sir, I can get a fellow to +swear he knocked out your brains.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> An odd way of swearing a man out of his +life!</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Smell him, gentlemen, he has a deadly +scent about him.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Truly, the apprehensions of death may +have made me savour a little. O lord! the Colonel! +The apprehension of him may make the savour worse, +I'm afraid.</p> + +<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> In short, sir, were you a ghost, or brother, +or devil, I will go to the Jubilee, by Jupiter Ammon.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Go to the Jubilee! go to the bear-garden. +Get you to your native plough and cart; converse +with animals like yourself, sheep and oxen: +men are creatures you don't understand.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter a</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>, <i>who whispers</i> <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Let them alone, colonel, their folly will be +now diverting. Come, gentlemen, we'll dispute this +point some other time.—Madam, shall I beg you to +entertain the company in the next room for a moment?</p> +<p class="right">[<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Lady D.</i> With all my heart——Come, gentlemen.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt all but</i> <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> A lady to inquire for me! Who can this +be?</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Oh, madam, this favour is beyond my expectation—to +come uninvited to dance at my wedding.——What +d'ye gaze at, madam?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> A monster—if thou'rt married, thou'rt +the most perjured wretch that e'er avouch'd deceit.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Heyday! Why, madam, I'm sure I never +swore to marry you: I made, indeed, a slight +promise, upon condition of your granting me a small favour; +but you would not consent, you know.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> How he upbraids me with my shame!—Can +you deny your binding vows, when this appears +a witness against your falsehood! [<i>Shows a Ring.</i>] +Methinks the motto of this sacred pledge should flash +confusion in your guilty face—Read, read here the +binding words of love and honour—words not unknown +to your perfidious tongue, though utter strangers +to your treacherous heart.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> The woman's stark staring mad, that's certain.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Was it maliciously designed to let me find +my misery when past redress? To let me know you, +only to know you false? Had not cursed chance +showed me the motto, I had been happy: the first +knowledge I had of you was fatal to me—and this +second, worse.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> What the devil is all this! Madam, I'm not +at leisure for raillery at present, I have weighty affairs +upon my hands: the business of pleasure, madam: +any other time—— <span class="ind2">[<i>Going.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Stay, I conjure you, stay.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> 'Faith, I can't, my bride expects me; but +harkye, when the honey-moon is over, about a month +or two hence, I may do you a small favour. <span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, +or I shall burst. Woman's weakness, man's falsehood, +my own shame, and love's disdain, at once swell up +my breast——Words, words, or I shall burst. <span class="ind2">[<i>Going.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Stay, madam, you need not shun my +sight; for if you are perfect woman, you have confidence +to outface a crime, and bear the charge of +guilt without a blush.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> The charge of guilt! what, making a +fool of you? I've done it, and glory in the act: dissembling +to the prejudice of men, is virtue; and every +look, or sign, or smile, or tear that can deceive, is +meritorious.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Very pretty principles, truly. If there +be truth in woman, 'tis now in thee. Come, madam, +you know that you're discovered, and, being sensible +that you cannot escape, you would now turn to bay. +That ring, madam, proclaims you guilty.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> O monster, villain, perfidious villain! Has +he told you?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I'll tell it you, and loudly too.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> O, name it not——Yet, speak it out, 'tis +so just a punishment for putting faith in man, that I +will bear it all. Speak now, what his busy scandal, +and your improving malice, both dare utter.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Your falsehood can't be reached by malice +nor by satire; your actions are the justest libel on +your fame; your words, your looks, your tears, I did +believe in spite of common fame. Nay, 'gainst mine +own eyes, I still maintained your truth. I imagined +Wildair's boasting of your favours to be the pure result +of his own vanity: at last he urged your taking +presents of him; as a convincing proof of which, you +yesterday from him received that ring, which ring, +that I might be sure he gave it, I lent him for that +purpose.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Ha! you lent it him for that purpose!</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Yes, yes, madam, I lent it him for that +purpose——No denying it—I know it well, for I +have worn it long, and desire it now, madam, to restore +it to the just owner.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> The just owner! Think, sir, think but of +what importance 'tis to own it: if you have love and +honour in your soul, 'tis then most justly yours; if +not, you are a robber, and have stolen it basely.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Ha! your words, like meeting flints, +have struck a light, to show me something strange +——But tell me instantly, is not your real name +Manly?</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Answer me first: did not you receive this +ring about twelve years ago?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I did.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> And were not you about that time entertained +two nights at the house of Sir Oliver Manly, +in Oxfordshire?</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I was! I was! [<i>Runs to her, and embraces +her.</i>] The blest remembrance fires my soul with +transport——I know the rest——you are the charming +she, and I the happy man.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> How has blind fortune stumbled on the +right? But where have you wandered since?—'Twas +cruel to forsake me.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> The particulars of my fortune are too +tedious now: but to discharge myself from the stain +of dishonour, I must tell you, that immediately upon +my return to the university, my elder brother and I +quarrelled: my father, to prevent farther mischief, +posts me away to travel: I wrote to you from London, +but fear the letter came not to your hands.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> I never had the least account of you by +letter, or otherwise.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Three years I lived abroad, and at my +return, found you were gone out of the kingdom, +though none could tell me whither: missing you thus, +I went to Flanders, served my king till the peace +commenced; then fortunately going on board at Amsterdam, +one ship transported us both to England. +At the first sight I loved, though ignorant of the hidden +cause——You may remember, madam, that, talking +once of marriage, I told you I was engaged—to +your dear self I meant.</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> Then men are still most generous and +brave—and, to reward your truth, an estate of three +thousand pounds a year waits your acceptance; and, +if I can satisfy you in my past conduct, I shall expect +the honourable performance of your promise, and +that you will stay with me in England.</p> + +<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Stay—Nor fame, nor glory e'er shall +part us more. My honour can be no where more +concerned than here.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Oh, Sir Harry! Fortune has acted miracles to-day: +the story's strange and tedious, but all amounts to +this—that woman's mind is charming as her person, +and I am made a convert too to beauty.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> I wanted only this, to make my pleasure +perfect.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> So, gentlemen and ladies, I'm glad to find +you so merry; is my gracious nephew among ye?</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Sir, he dares not show his face among such +honourable company; for your gracious nephew +is—</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> What, sir? Have a care what you say.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> A villain, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Smug.</i> With all my heart. I'll pardon you the +beating me, for that very word. And pray, Sir Harry, +when you see him next, tell him this news from me, +that I have disinherited him—that I will leave him as +poor as a disbanded quarter-master.—Oh, Sir Harry, +he is as hypocritical——</p> + +<p><i>Lady L.</i> As yourself, Mr. Alderman. How fares +my good old nurse, pray, sir?——Come, Mr. Alderman, +for once let a woman advise:—Would you be +thought an honest man, banish covetousness, that +worst gout of age: avarice is a poor pilfering quality, +of the soul, and will, as certainly cheat, as a thief +would steal. Would you be thought a reformer of +the times, be less severe in your censures, less rigid in +your precepts, and more strict in your example.</p> + +<p><i>Sir H.</i> Right, madam, virtue flows freer from imitation +than compulsion; of which, colonel, your conversion +and mine, are just examples.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">In vain are musty morals taught in schools,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">By rigid teachers, and as rigid rules,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Where virtue with a frowning aspect stands,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And frights the pupil from its rough commands</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But woman——</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Charming woman can true converts make,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">We love the precept for the teacher's sake.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Virtue in them appears so bright, so gay,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">We hear with transport, and with pride obey.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exeunt omnes.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="center">THE END.</td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" style="background-color: #E6F6FA; margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="4" summary="NOTES"> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"> + <div class="center">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE</div> + +<p style="background-color: #E6F6FA"> +The text includes a number of words with alternate spellings or +spellings no longer common. These have been retained. A single +instance of dy'e was changed to match the otherwise usual d'ye.</p> + +<p>The following additional changes were made +and may be identified in the body of the text by a grey dotted underline:</p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="w50" align="left" valign="top">I ha'n't vered half my message</td> +<td align="left" valign="top">I ha'n't <i>delivered</i> half my message.</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td align="left" valign="top">(…) tell him I am not be spoken with.</td> + <td align="left" valign="top">(…) tell him I am not <i>to</i> be spoken with.</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONSTANT COUPLE***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 32419-h.txt or 32419-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/4/1/32419">http://www.gutenberg.org/3/2/4/1/32419</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution.</p> + + + +<pre> +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/license">http://www.gutenberg.org/license)</a>. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org">http://www.gutenberg.org</a> + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/</a> + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a> + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** +</pre> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/32419-h/images/img020gsm.jpg b/32419-h/images/img020gsm.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0cd335e --- /dev/null +++ b/32419-h/images/img020gsm.jpg |
