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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced from the 1902 Harper and Brothers edition by +David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +MR. BONAPARTE OF CORSICA + +by John Kendrick Bangs + + + + +CHAPTER I: CORSICA TO BRIENNE +1769-1779 + + + +Napoleon's father, Charles Bonaparte, was the honored progenitor of +thirteen children, of whom the man who subsequently became the +Emperor of the French, by some curious provision of fate, was the +second. That the infant Napoleon should have followed rather than +led the procession is so foreign to the nature of the man that many +worthy persons unfamiliar with the true facts of history have +believed that Joseph was a purely apocryphal infant, or, as some have +suggested, merely an adopted child; but that Napoleon did upon this +occasion content himself with second place is an incontrovertible +fact. Nor is it entirely unaccountable. It is hardly to be supposed +that a true military genius, such as Napoleon is universally conceded +to have been, would plunge into the midst of a great battle without +first having acquainted himself with the possibilities of the future. +A reconnoitre of the field of action is the first duty of a +successful commander; and hence it was that Napoleon, not wishing to +rush wholly unprepared into the battle of life, assigned to his +brother Joseph the arduous task of first entering into the world to +see how the land lay. Joseph having found everything to his +satisfaction, Napoleon made his appearance in the little island of +Corsica, recently come under French domination the 15th day August, +1769. Had he been born two months earlier, we are told, he would +have been an Italian. Had he been born a hundred years later, it is +difficult to say what he would have been. As it was, he was born a +Frenchman. It is not pleasant to contemplate what the man's future +would have been had he been born an Italian, nor is it easy to +picture that future with any confidence born of certainty. Since the +days of Caesar, Italy had not produced any great military commander, +and it is not likely that the powers would have changed their scheme, +confirmed by sixteen centuries of observance, in Napoleon's behalf--a +fact which Napoleon himself realized, for he often said in his latter +days, with a shudder: "I hate to think how inglorious I should have +become had I been born two months earlier and entered the world as an +Italian. I should have been another Joseph--not that Joseph is not a +good man, but he is not a great man. Ah! Bourrienne, we cannot be +too careful in the selection of our birthdays." + +It is the testimony of all who knew him in his infancy that Napoleon +was a good child. He was obedient and respectful to his mother, and +sometimes at night when, on account of some indigestible quality of +his food or other cause, it was necessary for his father to make a +series of forced marches up and down the spacious nursery in the +beautiful home at Ajaccio, holding the infant warrior in his arms, +certain premonitions of his son's future career dawned upon the +parent. His anguish was voiced in commanding tones; his wails, like +his subsequent addresses to his soldiers, were short, sharp, clear, +and decisive, nor would he brook the slightest halt in these midnight +marches until the difficulties which stood in his path had been +overcome. His confidence in himself at this early period was +remarkable. Quick to make up his mind, he was tenacious of his +purpose to the very end. + +It is related that when barely seven months old, while sitting in his +nurse's lap, by means of signs which she could not fail to +comprehend, he expressed the desire, which, indeed, is characteristic +of most healthy Children of that age, to possess the whole of the +outside world, not to mention the moon and other celestial bodies. +Reaching his little hands out in the direction of the Continent, +lying not far distant over the waters of the Mediterranean, he made +this demand; and while, of course, his desire was not granted upon +the instant, it is the testimony of history that he never lost sight +of that cherished object. + +After providing Napoleon with eleven other brothers and sisters, +Charles Bonaparte died, and left his good and faithful wife Letitia +to care for the future greatness of his family, a task rendered +somewhat the more arduous than it might otherwise have been by the +lack of income; but the good woman, who had much of Napoleon's nature +in her make-up, was equal to the occasion. She had her sons to help +her, and was constantly buoyed up by the expressed determination of +her second child to place her beyond the reach of want in that future +day when the whole world lay grovelling at his feet. + +"Do not worry, mother," Napoleon said. "Let Joseph and Lucien and +Louis and Jerome and the girls be educated; as for me, I can take +care of myself. I, who at the age of three have mastered the Italian +language, have a future before me. I will go to France, and then--" + +"Well! what then?" his mother asked. + +"Nous verrons!" Napoleon replied, turning on his heel and walking out +of the house whistling a military march. + +From this it will be seen that even in his in fancy Napoleon had his +ideas as to his future course. Another anecdote, which is taken from +the unpublished memoirs of the grandson of one of his Corsican +nurses, illustrates in an equally vivid manner how, while a mere +infant in arms, he had a passion for and a knowledge of military +terms. Early one morning the silence was broken by the incipient +Emperor calling loudly for assistance. His nurse, rushing to him, +discovered that the point of a pin was sticking into his back. +Hastily removing the cause of the disturbance, she endeavored to +comfort him: + +"Never mind, sweetheart," she said, "it's only a nasty pin." + +"Nasty pin!" roared Napoleon. "By the revered name of Paoli, I swear +I thought it was a bayonet!" + +It was, no doubt, this early realization of the conspicuous part he +was to play in the history of his time that made the youthful +Bonaparte reserved of manner, gloomy, and taciturn, and prone to +irritability. He felt within him the germ of future greatness, and +so became impatient of restraint. He completely dominated the +household. Joseph, his elder brother, became entirely subject to the +imperious will of the future Emperor; and when in fancy Napoleon +dreamed of those battles to come, Joseph was always summoned to take +an active part in the imaginary fight. Now he was the bridge of +Lodi, and, lying flat on his back, was forced to permit his +bloodthirsty brother to gallop across him, shouting words of +inspiration to a band of imaginary followers; again he was forced to +pose as a snow-clad Alp for Napoleon to climb, followed laboriously +by Lucien and Jerome and the other children. It cannot be supposed +that this was always pleasing to Joseph, but he never faltered when +the demand was made that he should act, because he did not dare. + +"You bring up the girls, mother," Napoleon had said. "Leave the boys +to me and I'll make kings of them all, if I have to send them over to +the United States, where all men will soon be potentates, and their +rulers merely servants--chosen to do their bidding." + +Once, Joseph venturing to assert himself as the eldest son, Napoleon +smiled grimly. + +"And what, pray, does that mean?" he asked, scornfully. + +"That I and not you am the head of the family," replied Joseph. + +"Very well," said Napoleon, rushing behind him, and, by a rapidly +conceived flank movement, giving Joseph a good sound kick. "How does +the head of the family like the foot of the family? Don't ever prate +of accidents of birth to me." + +From that time on Joseph never murmured again, but obeyed blindly his +brother's slightest behest. He would have permitted Napoleon to mow +him down with grape-shot without complaint rather than rebel and +incur the wrath which he knew would then fall upon his head. + +At school the same defiance of restraint and contempt for superior +strength characterized Napoleon. Here, too, his taciturn nature +helped him much. If he were asked a question which he could not +answer, he would decline to speak, so that his instructors were +unable to state whether or not he was in ignorance as to the point +under discussion, and could mark him down conscientiously as +contumelious only. Hence it was that he stood well in his studies, +but was never remarkable for deportment. His favorite plaything, +barring his brother Joseph, was a small brass cannon that weighed +some thirty odd pounds, and which is still to be seen on the island +of Corsica. Of this he once said: "I'd rather hear its report than +listen to a German band; though if I could get them both playing at +the same time there'd be one German band less in the world." + +This remark found its parallel later on when, placed by Barras in +command of the defenders of the Convention against the attacks of the +Sectionists, Napoleon was asked the chairman of the Assembly to send +them occasional reports as to how matters progressed. His reply was +terse. + +"Legislators," he said, "you ask me for an occasional report. If you +listen you will hear the report of my cannon. That is all you'll +get, and it will be all you need. I am here. I will save you." + +"It is a poor time for jokes," said a representative. + +"It is a worse time for paper reports," retorted Napoleon. "It would +take me longer to write out a legislative report than it will to +clean out the mob. Besides, I want it understood at this end of my +career that autograph-hunters are going to get left." + +As he turned, Barras asked him as to his intentions. + +"Where are you going?" he asked. + +"To make a noise in the world," cried Napoleon; "au revoir." + +That he had implanted in him the essential elements of a great +fighter his school-companions were not long in finding out. + +When not more than five years of age he fell in love with a little +schoolmate, and, being jeered at for his openly avowed sentiments, he +threatened to thrash the whole school, adding to the little maiden +that he would thrash her as well unless she returned his love, a line +of argument which completely won her heart, particularly in view of +the fact that he proved his sincerity by fulfilling that part of his +assumed obligations which referred to the subjugation of the rest of +the school. It was upon this occasion that in reference to his +carelessness of dress, his schoolmates composed the rhyme, + + +"Napoleon di mezza calzetta +Fa l'amore a Giacominetta." + + +which, liberally translated, means, + + +"Hi! Look at Nap! His socks down of his shin, +Is making love to little Giacomin." + + +To this Napoleon, on the authority of the Memoirs of his Father's +Hired Man, retorted: + + +"I would advise you, be not indiscreet, +Or I will yank YOUR socks right of your feet." + + +All of which goes to show that at no time in his youth was he to be +trifled with. In poetry or a pitched battle he was quite equal to +any emergency, and his companions were not long in finding it out. + +So passed the infancy of Mr. Bonaparte, of Corsica. It was, after +all, much like the extreme youth of most other children. In +everything he undertook he was facile princeps, and in nothing that +he said or did is there evidence that he failed to appreciate what +lay before him. A visitor to the family once ventured the remark, "I +am sorry, Napoleon, for you little Corsicans. You have no Fourth of +July or Guy Fawkes Day to celebrate." + +"Oh, as for that," said Napoleon, "I for one do not mind. I will +make national holidays when I get to be a man, and at present I can +get along without them. What's the use of Fourth of July when you +can shoot off fireworks everyday?" + +It was a pertinent question, the visitor departed much impressed with +the boy's precocity, which was rendered doubly memorable by +Napoleon's humor in discharging fifteen pounds of wadding from his +cannon into the visitor's back as he went out of the front gate. + +At the age of six Napoleon put aside all infantile pleasures, and at +eight assumed all the dignity of that age. He announced his +intention to cease playing war with his brother Joseph. + +"I am no longer a child, Joseph," he said; "I shall no longer thrash +you in play. Here-after I shall do it in sober earnest." + +Which no doubt is why, in 1779, Napoleon having stuck faithfully to +his promise, Joseph heartily seconded his younger brother's demand +that he should leave Corsica and take a course of military +instruction at Brienne. + +"I shall no doubt miss my dear brother Napoleon," Joseph said to his +mother; "but I would not stand in the way of his advancement. Let +him go, even though by his departure I am deprived of all opportunity +to assist him in his pleasing games of war." + + + +CHAPTER II: BRIENNE +1779-1785 + + + +As we have seen, the young Corsican was only ten years of age when, +through the influence of Count Marboeuf, an old friend of the +Bonaparte family, he was admitted to the military school at Brienne. +Those who were present at the hour of his departure from home say +that Napoleon would have wept like any other child had he yielded to +the impulses of his heart, and had be not detected a smile of +satisfaction upon the lips of his brother Joseph. It was this smile +that drove all tender emotions from his breast. Taking Joseph to one +side, he requested to know the cause of his mirth. + +"I was thinking of something funny," said Joseph, paling slightly as +he observed the stern expression of Napoleon's face. + +"Oh, indeed," said Napoleon; "and what was that something? I'd like +to smile myself." + +"H'm!--ah--why," faltered Joseph, "it may not strike you as funny, +you know. What is a joke for one man is apt to be a serious matter +for another, particularly when that other is of a taciturn and +irritable disposition." + +"Very likely," said Napoleon, dryly; "and sometimes what is a joke +for the man of mirth is likewise in the end a serious matter for that +same humorous person. This may turn out to be the case in the +present emergency. What was the joke? If I do not find it a +humorous joke, I'll give you a parting caress which you won't forget +in a hurry." + +"I was only thinking," said Joseph, uneasily, "that it is a very good +thing for that little ferry-boat you are going away on that you are +going on it." + +Here Joseph smiled weakly, but Napoleon was grim as ever. + +"Well," he said, impatiently, "what of that?" + +"Why," returned Joseph, "it seemed to me that such a tireless little +worker as the boat is would find it very restful to take a Nap." + +For an instant Napoleon was silent. + +"Joseph," said he, as he gazed solemnly out of the window, "I thank +you from the bottom of my heart for this. I had had regrets at +leaving home. A moment ago I was ready to break down for the sorrow +of parting from my favorite Alp, from my home, from my mother, and my +little brass cannon; but now--now I can go with a heart steeled +against emotion. If you are going in for humor of that kind, I'm +glad I'm going away. Farewell." + +With this, picking Joseph up in his arms and concealing him beneath +the sofa cushions, Napoleon imprinted a kiss upon his mother's cheek, +rushed aboard the craft that was to bear him to fame, and was soon +but a memory in the little house at Ajaccio. "Parting is such sweet +sorrow," murmured Joseph, as he watched the little vessel bounding +over the turquoise waters of the imprisoned sea. "I shall miss him; +but there are those who wax fat on grief, and, if I know myself, I am +of that brand." + +Arrived at Paris, Napoleon was naturally awe-stricken by the +splendors of that wonderful city. + +"I shall never forget the first sight I had of Paris," he said, years +later, when speaking of his boyhood to Madame Junot, with whom he was +enjoying a tete-a-tete in the palace at Versailles. "I wondered if I +hadn't died of sea-sickness on the way over, as I had several times +wished I might, and got to heaven. I didn't know how like the other +place it was at that time, you see. It was like an enchanted land, a +World's Fair forever, and the prices I had to pay for things quite +carried out the World's Fair idea. They were enormous. Weary with +walking, for instance, I hired a fiacre and drove about the city for +an hour, and it cost me fifty francs; but I fell in with pleasant +enough people, one of whom gave me a ten-franc ticket entitling me to +a seat on a park bench--for five francs." + +Madame Junot laughed. + +"And yet they claim that bunco is a purely American institution," she +said. + +"Dame!" cried Napoleon, rising from the throne, and walking excitedly +up and down the palace floor, "I never realized until this moment +that I had been swindled! Bourrienne, send Fouche to me. I remember +the man distinctly, and if he lives he has yet to die." + +Calming down, he walked to Madame Junot's side, and, taking her by +the hand, continued: + +"And then the theatres! What revelations of delight they were! I +used to go to the Theatre Francais whenever I could sneak away and +had the money to seat me with the gods in the galleries. Bernhardt +was then playing juvenile parts, and Coquelin had not been heard of. +Ah! my dear Madame Junot," he added, giving her ear a delicate pinch, +"those were the days when life seemed worth the living--when one of a +taciturn nature and prone to irritability could find real pleasure in +existence. Oh to be unknown again!" + +And then, Madame Junot's husband having entered the room, the Emperor +once more relapsed into a moody silence. + +But to return to Brienne. Napoleon soon found that there is a gulf +measurable by no calculable distance between existence as the +dominating force of a family and life as a new boy at a boarding- +school. He found his position reversed, and he began for the first +time in his life to appreciate the virtues of his brother Joseph. He +who had been the victorious general crossing the Alps now found +himself the Alp, with a dozen victorious generals crossing him; he +who had been the gunner was now the target, and his present inability +to express his feelings in language which his tormentors could +understand, for he had not yet mastered the French tongue, kept him +in a state of being which may well be termed volcanic. + +"I simply raged within in those days," Napoleon once said to Las +Casas. "I could have swallowed my food raw and it would have been +cooked on its way down, I boiled so. They took me for a snow-clad +Alp, when, as a matter of fact, I was a small Vesuvius, with a +temperature that would have made Tabasco sauce seem like iced water +by contrast." + +His treatment at the hands of his fellow-students did much to +increase his irritability, but he kept himself well in hand, biding +the time when he could repay their insults with interest. They +jeered him because he was short--short of stature and short of funds; +they twitted him on being an alien, calling him an Italian, and +asking him why he did not seek out a position in the street-cleaning +bureau instead of endeavoring to associate with gentlemen. To this +the boy made a spirited reply. + +"I am fitting myself for that," he said. "I'll sweep your Parisian +streets some day, and some of you particles will go with the rest of +the dust before my broom." + +He little guessed how prophetic were these words. + +Again, they tormented Napoleon on being the son of a lawyer, and +asked him who his tailor was, and whether or not his garments were +the lost suits of his father's clients, the result of which was that, +though born of an aristocratic family, the boy became a pronounced +Republican, and swore eternal enmity to the high-born. Another +result of this attitude towards him was that he retired from the +companionship of all save his books, and he became intimate with +Homer and Ossian and Plutarch--familiar with the rise and fall of +emperors and empires. Challenged to fight a duel with one of his +classmates for a supposititious insult, he accepted, and, having the +choice in weapons, chose an examination in mathematics, the one first +failing in a demonstration to blow his brains out. "That is the +safer for you," he said to his adversary. "You are sure to lose; but +the after-effects will not be fatal, because you have no brains to +blow out, so you can blow out a candle instead." + +Whatever came of the duel we are not informed; but it is to be +presumed that it did not result fatally for young Bonaparte, for he +lived many years after the incident, as most of our readers are +probably aware. Had he not done so, this biography would have had to +stop here, and countless readers of our own day would have been +deprived of much entertaining fiction that is even now being +scattered broadcast over the world with Napoleon as its hero. His +love of books combined with his fondness for military life was never +more beautifully expressed than when he wrote to his mother: "With +my sword at my side and my Homer in my pocket, I hope to carve my way +through the world." + +The beauty and simplicity of this statement is not at all affected by +Joseph's flippant suggestion that by this Napoleon probably meant +that he would read his enemies to sleep with his Homer, and then use +his sword to cut their heads off. Joseph, as we have already seen, +had been completely subjugated by his younger brother, and it is not +to be wondered at, perhaps, that, with his younger brother at a safe +distance, he should manifest some jealousy, and affect to treat his +sentiments with an unwarranted levity. + +For Napoleon's self-imposed solitude everything at Brienne arranged +itself propitiously. Each of the students was provided with a small +patch of ground which he could do with as he pleased, and Napoleon's +use of his allotted share was characteristic. He converted it into a +fortified garden, surrounded by trees and palisades. + +"Now I can mope in peace," he said--and he did. + +It has been supposed by historians that it was here that Napoleon did +all of his thinking, mapping out his future career, and some of them +have told us what he thought. He dreamed of future glory always, one +of them states; but whether upon the authority of a palisade or a +tiger-lily is not mentioned. Others have given us his soliloquies as +he passed to and fro in this little retreat alone, and heard only by +the stars at night; but for ourselves, we must be accurate, and it is +due to the reader at this point that we should confess--having no +stars in our confidence--our entire ignorance as to what Napoleon +Bonaparte said, did, or thought when sitting in solitude in his +fortified bower; though if our candid impression is desired we have +no hesitation in saying that we believe him to have been in Paris +enjoying the sights of the great city during those periods of +solitude. Boys are boys in all lands, and a knowledge of that +peculiar species of human beings, the boarding-school boy, is +convincing that, given a prospect of five or six hours of +uninterrupted solitude, no youth of proper spirit would fail to avail +himself of the opportunities thus offered to see life, particularly +with a city like Paris within easy "hooky" distance. + +It must also be remembered that the French had at this time abolished +the hereafter, along with the idea of a Deity and all pertaining +thereto, so that there was nothing beyond a purely temporal +discipline and lack of funds to interfere with Bonaparte's enjoyment +of all the pleasures which Paris could give. Of temporal discipline +he need have had no fear, since, it was perforce relaxed while he was +master of his solitude; as for the lack of funds, history has shown +that this never interfered with the fulfilment of Napoleon's hopes, +and hence the belief that the beautiful pictures, drawn by historians +and painted by masters of the brush, of Napoleon in solitude should +be revised to include a few accessories, drawn from such portions of +Parisian life as will readily suggest themselves. + +In his studies, however, Napoleon ranked high. His mathematical +abilities were so marked that it was stated that he could square the +circle with his eyes closed and both hands tied behind his back. + +"The only circle I could not square at that time," said he, "was the +family circle, being insufficiently provided with income to do so. I +might have succeeded better had not Joseph's appetite grown too fast +for the strength of my pocket; that was the only respect, however, in +which I ever had any difficulty in keeping up with my dear elder +brother." It was here, too, that he learned the inestimably +important military fact that the shortest distance between two points +is in a straight line; and that he had fully mastered that fact was +often painfully evident to such of his schoolmates as seemed to force +him to measure with his right arm the distance between his shoulder +and the ends of their noses. Nor was he utterly without wit. Asked +by a cribbing comrade in examination what a corollary was, Napoleon +scornfully whispered back: + +"A mathematical camel with two humps." + +In German only was he deficient, much to the irritation of his +instructor. + +"Will you ever learn anything?" asked M. Bouer, the German teacher. + +"Certainly," said Napoleon; "but no more German. I know the only +word I need in that language." + +"And what, pray, is that?" + +"Surrender; that's all I'll ever wish to say to the Germans. But +lest I get it wrong, pray tell me the imperative form of surrender in +your native tongue." + +M. Bouer's reply is not known to history, but it was probably not one +which the Master of Etiquette at Brienne could have entirely +commended. + +So he lived at Brienne, thoroughly mastering the science of war; +acquiring a military spirit; making no friends, but commanding +ultimately the fearsome respect of his school-mates. One or two +private interviews with little aristocrats who jeered at him for his +ancestry convinced them that while he might not have had illustrious +ancestors, it was not unlikely that he would in time develop +illustrious descendants, and the jeerings and sneerings soon ceased. +The climax of Bonaparte's career at Brienne was in 1784, when he +directed a snowball fight between two evenly divided branches of the +school with such effect that one boy had his skull cracked and the +rest were laid up for weeks from their wounds. + +"It was a wonderful fight," remarked Napoleon, during his campaign in +Egypt. "I took good care that an occasional missent ball should bowl +off the hat of M. Bouer, and whenever any particularly aristocratic +aristocrat's head showed itself above the ramparts, an avalanche fell +upon his facade with a dull, sickening thud. I have never seen an +American college football game, but from all I can learn from +accounts in the Paris editions of the American newspapers the effects +physical in our fight and that game are about the same." + +In 1784, shortly after this episode, Napoleon left Brienne, having +learned all that those in authority there could teach him, and in +1785 he applied for and received admission to the regular army, much +to the relief of Joseph. + +"If he had flunked and come back to Corsica to live," said Joseph, "I +think I should have emigrated. I love him dearly, but I'm fonder of +myself, and Corsica, large as it is, is too small to contain Napoleon +Bonaparte and his brother Joseph simultaneously, particularly as +Joseph is distinctly weary of being used as an understudy for a gory +battle-field." + + + +CHAPTER III: PARIS--VALENCE--LYONS--CORSICA +1785-1793 + + + +The feeling among the larger boys at Brienne at Napoleon's departure +was much the same as that experienced by Joseph when his soon to-be- +famous brother departed from Corsica. The smaller boys regretted his +departure, since it had been one of their greatest pleasures to watch +Napoleon disciplining the upper classmen, but Bonaparte was as glad +to go as the elders were to have him. + +"Brienne is good enough in its way," said he; "but what's the use of +fighting children? It's merely a waste of time cracking a +youngster's skull with a snowball when you can go out into the real +world and let daylight into a man's whole system with a few ounces of +grape-shot." + +He had watched developments at Paris, too, with the keenest interest, +and was sufficiently far-seeing to know that the troubles of the King +and Queen and their aristocratic friends boded well for a man fond of +a military life who had sense enough to be on the right side. That +it took an abnormal degree of intelligence to know which was the +right side in those troublous days he also realized, and hence he +cultivated that taciturnity and proneness to irritability which we +have already mentioned. + +"If it had not been for my taciturnity, Talleyrand," he observed, +when in the height of his power, "I should have got it in the neck." + +"Got what in the neck?" asked Talleyrand. + +"The guillotine," rejoined the Emperor. "It was the freedom of +speech which people of those sanguinary days allowed themselves that +landed many a fine head in the basket. As for me, I simply held my +tongue with both hands, and when I wearied of that I called some one +in to hold it for me. If I had filled the newspapers with +'Interviews with Napoleon Bonaparte,' and articles on 'Where is +France at?' with monographs in the leading reviews every month on +'Why I am what I am,' and all such stuff as that, I'd have condensed +my career into one or two years, and ended by having my head divorced +from my shoulders in a most commonplace fashion. Taciturnity is a +big thing when you know how to work it, and so is proneness to +irritability. The latter keeps you from making friends, and I didn't +want any friends just then. They were luxuries which I couldn't +afford. You have to lend money to friends; you have to give them +dinners and cigars, and send bonbons to their sisters. A friend in +those days would have meant bankruptcy of the worst sort. +Furthermore, friends embarrass you when you get into public office, +and try to make you conspicuous when you'd infinitely prefer to saw +wood and say nothing. I took my loneliness straight, and that is one +of the reasons why I am now the Emperor of France, and your master." + +Before entering the army a year at a Parisian military school kept +Bonaparte busy. There, as at Brienne, he made his influence felt. +He found his fellow-pupils at Paris living in a state of luxury that +was not in accord with his ideas as to what a soldier should have. +Whether or not his new school-mates, after the time-honored custom, +tossed him in a blanket on the first night of his arrival, history +does not say, but Bonaparte had hardly been at the school a week when +he complained to the authorities that there was too much luxury in +their system for him. + +"Cadets do not need feather-beds and eider-down quilts," he said; +"and as for the sumptuous viands we have served at mealtime, they are +utterly inappropriate. I'd rather have a plate of Boston baked beans +or steaming buckwheat cakes to put my mind into that state which +should characterize the thinking apparatus of a soldier than a dozen +of the bouchees financieres and lobster Newburgs and other made- +dishes which you have on your menu. Made-dishes and delicate +beverages make one mellow and genial of disposition. What we need is +the kind of food that will destroy our amiability and put us in a +frame of mind calculated to make willing to kill our best friends-- +nay, our own brothers and sisters--if occasion arises, with a smiling +face. Look at me. I could kill my brother Joseph, dear as he is to +me, and never shed a tear, and it's buckwheat-cakes and waffles that +have done it!" + +Likewise he abhorred dancing. + +"Away with dancing men!" he cried, impatiently, at one time when in +the height of his power, to his Minister of War. "Suppose when I was +crossing the Alps my soldiers had been of your dancing sort. How far +would I have got if every time the band played a two-step my +grenadiers had dropped their guns to pirouette over those snow-white +wastes? Let the diplomats do the dancing. For soldiers give me men +to whom the polka is a closed book and the waltz an abomination." + +Holding these views, he naturally failed to win the sympathy of his +fellows at the Paris school who, young nobles for the most part, +could not understand his point of view. So, having nothing else to +do, he applied himself solely to his studies and to reflection, and +it was the happiest moment of his life up to that time when, having +passed his examinations for entrance to the regular army, he received +his commission as a second lieutenant. + +"Now we're off!" he said to himself, as he surveyed himself in the +mirror, after donning his uniform. + +"It does not set very well in the back," remarked one of the maids of +the pension in which he lived, glancing in at the door. + +"It does not matter," returned Bonaparte, loftily. "As long as it +sets well in front I'm satisfied; for you should know, madame, that a +true soldier never shows his back, and that is the kind of a military +person I am. A false front would do for me. I am no tin soldier, +which in after-years it will interest you to remember. When you are +writing your memoirs this will make an interesting anecdote." + +From this it is to be inferred that at this time he had no thought of +Moscow. Immediately after his appointment Bonaparte repaired to +Valence, where his regiment was stationed and where he formed a +strong attachment for the young daughter of Madame du Colombier, with +whom, history records, he ate cherries before breakfast. This was +his sole dissipation at that time, but his felicity was soon to be +interrupted. His regiment was ordered to Lyons, and Bonaparte and +his love were parted. + +"Duty calls me, my dear," he said, on leaving her. "I would stay if +I could, but I can't, and, on the whole, it is just as well. If I +stayed I should marry you, and that would never do. You cannot +support me, nor I you. We cannot live on cherries, and as yet my +allowance is an ingrowing one--which is to say that it goes from me +to my parent, and not from my parent to me. Therefore, my only love, +farewell. Marry some one else. There are plenty of men who are fond +of cherries before breakfast, and there is no reason why one so +attractive as you should not find a lover." + +The unhappy girl was silent for a moment. Then, with an ill- +suppressed sob, she bade him go. + +"You are right, Napoleon," she said. "Go. Go where duty calls you, +and if you get tired of Lyons--" + +"Yes?" he interrupted, eagerly. + +"Try leopards!" she cried, rushing from his embrace into the house. + +Bonaparte never forgave this exhibition of flippancy, though many +years after, when he learned that his former love, who had married, +as he had bade her do, and suffered, was face to face with +starvation, it is said, on the authority of one of his ex-valet's +memoirs, that he sent her a box of candied cherries from one of the +most expensive confectionery-shops of Paris. + +After a brief sojourn at Lyons, Napoleon was summoned with his +regiment to quell certain popular tumults at Auxonne. There he +distinguished himself as a handler of mobs, and learned a few things +that were of inestimable advantage to him later. Speaking of it in +after-years, he observed: "It is my opinion, my dear Emperor Joseph, +that grape-shot is the only proper medicine for a mob. Some people +prefer to turn the hose on them, but none of that for me. They fear +water as they do death, but they get over water. Death is more +permanent. I've seen many a rioter, made respectable by a good +soaking, return to the fray after he had dried out, but in all my +experience I have never known a man who was once punctured by a +discharge of grape-shot who took any further interest in rioting." + +About this time he began to regulate his taciturnity. On occasions +he had opinions which he expressed most forcibly. In 1790, having +gone to an evening reception at Madame Neckar's, he electrified his +hostess and her guests by making a speech of some five hundred words +in length, too long to be quoted here in full, but so full of import +and delivered with such an air of authority that La Fayette, who was +present, paled visibly, and Mirabeau, drawing Madame de Stael to one +side, whispered, trembling with emotion, "Who is that young person?" + +Whether this newly acquired tendency to break in upon the reserve +which had hitherto been the salient feature of his speech had +anything to do with it or not we are not aware, but shortly +afterwards Napoleon deemed it wise to leave his regiment for a while, +and to return to his Corsican home on furlough. Of course an +affecting scene was enacted by himself and his family when they were +at last reunited. Letitia, his fond mother, wept tears of joy, and +Joseph, shaking him by the hand, rushed, overcome with emotion, from +the house. Napoleon shortly after found him weeping in the garden. + +"Why so sad, Joseph?" he inquired. "Are you sorry I have returned?" + +"No, dear Napoleon," said Joseph, turning away his head to hide his +tears, "it is not that. I was only weeping because--because, in the +nature of things, you will have to go away again, and--the--the idea +of parting from you has for the moment upset my equilibrium." + +"Then we must proceed to restore it," said Napoleon, and, taking +Joseph by the right arm, he twisted it until Joseph said that he felt +quite recovered. + +Napoleon's stay at Corsica was quite uneventful. Fearing lest by +giving way to love of family, and sitting and talking with them in +the luxuriously appointed parlor below-stairs, he should imbibe too +strong a love for comfort and ease, and thus weaken his soldierly +instincts, as well as break in upon that taciturnity which, as we +have seen, was the keynote of his character, he had set apart for +himself a small room on the attic floor, where he spent most of his +time undisturbed, and at the same time made Joseph somewhat easier in +his mind. + +"When he's up-stairs I am comparatively safe," said Joseph. "If he +stayed below with us I fear I should have a return of my nervous +prostration." + +Meantime, Napoleon was promoted to a first lieutenancy, and shortly +after, during the Reign of Terror in Paris, having once more for the +moment yielded to an impulse to speak out in meeting, he denounced +anarchy in unmeasured terms, and was arrested and taken to Paris. + +"It was a fortunate arrest for me," he said. "There I was in Corsica +with barely enough money to pay my way back to the capital. +Arrested, the State had to pay my fare, and I got back to active +political scenes on a free pass. As for the trial, it was a farce, +and I was triumphantly acquitted. The jury was out only fifteen +minutes. I had so little to say for myself that the judges began to +doubt if I had any ideas on any subject--or, as one of them said, +having no head to mention, it would be useless to try and cut it off. +Hence my acquittal and my feeling that taciturnity is the mother of +safety." + +Then came the terrible attack of the mob upon the Tuileries on the +20th of June, 1792. Napoleon was walking in the street with +Bourrienne when the attack began. + +"There's nothing like a lamp-post for an occasion like this, it +broadens one's views so," he said, rapidly climbing up a convenient +post, from which he could see all that went on. "I didn't know that +this was the royal family's reception-day. Do you want to know what +I think?" + +"Mumm is the word," whispered Bourrienne. "This is no time to have +opinions." + +"Mumm may be the word, but water is the beverage. Mumm is too dry. +What this crowd needs is a good wetting down," retorted Bonaparte. +"If I were Louis XVI. I'd turn the hose on these tramps, and keep +them at bay until I could get my little brass cannon loaded. When I +had that loaded, I'd let them have a few balls hot from the bat. +This is what comes of being a born king. Louis doesn't know how to +talk to the people. He's all right for a state-dinner, but when it +comes to a mass-meeting he is not in it." + +And then as the King, to gratify the mob, put the red cap of +Jacobinism upon his head, the man who was destined before many years +to occupy the throne of France let fall an ejaculation of wrath. + +"The wretches!" he cried. "How little they know! They've only given +him another hat to talk through! They'll have to do their work all +over again, unless Louis takes my advice and travels abroad for his +health." + +These words were prophetic, for barely two months later the second +and most terrible and portentous attack upon the palace took place-- +an attack which Napoleon witnessed, as he had witnessed the first, +from a convenient lamp-post, and which filled him with disgust and +shame; and it was upon that night of riot and bloodshed that he gave +utterance to one of his most famous sayings. + +"Bourrienne," said he, as with his faithful companions he laboriously +climbed the five flights of stairs leading to his humble apartment, +"I hate the aristocrats, as you know; and to-day has made me hate the +populace as well. What is there left to like?" + +"Alas! lieutenant, I cannot say," said Bourrienne, shaking his head +sadly. + +"What," continued Napoleon, "is the good of anything?" + +"I give it up," returned Bourrienne, with a sigh. "I never was good +at riddles. What IS the good of anything?" + +"Nothing!" said Napoleon, laconically, as he took off his uniform and +went to bed. + + + +CHAPTER IV: SARDINIA--TOULON--NICE--PARIS--BARRAS--JOSEPHINE +1793-1796 + + + +Greatness now began to dawn for Napoleon. Practically penniless, in +a great and heartless city, even the lower classes began to perceive +that here was one before whom there lay a brilliant future. +Restaurateurs, laundresses, confectioners--all trusted him. An +instance of the regard people were beginning to have for him is shown +in the pathetic interview between Napoleon and Madame Sans Gene, his +laundress. + +"Here is your wash, lieutenant," said she, after climbing five +flights of stairs, basket in hand, to the miserable lodging of the +future Emperor. + +Napoleon looked up from his books and counted the clothes. + +"There is one sock missing," said he, sternly. + +"No," returned Sans Gene. "Half of each sock was washed away, and I +sewed the remaining halves into one. One good sock is better than +two bad ones. If you ever lose a leg in battle you may find the odd +one handy." + +"How can I ever repay you?" cried Napoleon, touched by her friendly +act. + +"I'm sure I don't know," returned Madame Sans Gene, demurely, "unless +you will escort me to the Charity Ball--I'll buy the tickets." + +"And, pray, what good will that do?" asked Bonaparte. + +"It will make Lefebvre jealous," said Madame Sans Gene, "and maybe +that will bring him to the point. I want to marry him, but, +encourage him as I will, he does not propose, and as in revising the +calendar the government has abolished leap-year, I really don't know +what to do." + +"I cannot go to the ball," said Napoleon, sadly. "I don't dance, +and, besides, I have loaned my dress-suit to Bourrienne. But I will +flirt with you on the street if you wish, and perhaps that will +suffice." + +It is hardly necessary to tell the reader that the ruse was +successful, and that Lefebvre, thus brought to the point, married +Madame Sans Gene, and subsequently, through his own advancement, made +her the Duchess of Dantzig. The anecdote suffices to show how +wretchedly poor and yet how full of interest and useful to those +about him Napoleon was at the time. + +In February, 1793, a change for the better in his fortunes occurred. +Bonaparte, in cooperation with Admiral Turget, was ordered to make a +descent upon Sardinia. What immediately followed can best be told in +Bonaparte's own words. "My descent was all right," he said +afterwards, "and I had the Sardines all ready to put in boxes, when +Turget had a fit of sea-sickness, lost his bearings, and left me in +the lurch. There was nothing left for me but to go back to Corsica +and take it out of Joseph, which I did, much to Joseph's unhappiness. +It was well for the family that I did so, for hardly had I arrived at +Ajaccio when I found my old friend Paoli wrapping Corsica up in a +brown-paper bundle to send to the King of England with his +compliments. This I resisted, with the result that our whole family +was banished, and those fools of Corsicans broke into our house and +smashed all of our furniture. They little knew that that furniture, +if in existence to-day, would bring millions of francs as curios if +sold at auction. It was thus that the family came to move to France +and that I became in fact what I had been by birth--a Frenchman. If +I had remained a Corsican, Paoli's treachery would have made me an +Englishman, to which I should never have become reconciled, although +had I been an Englishman I should have taken more real pleasure out +of the battle of Waterloo than I got. + +"After this I was ordered to Toulon. The French forces here were +commanded by General Cartaux, who had learned the science of war +painting portraits in Paris. He ought to have been called General +Cartoon. He besieged Toulon in a most impressionistic fashion. He'd +bombard and bombard and bombard, and then leave the public to guess +at the result. It's all well enough to be an impressionist in +painting, but when it comes to war the public want more decided +effects. When I got there, as a brigadier-general, I saw that +Cartaux was wasting his time and ammunition. His idea seemed to be +that by firing cannon all day he could so deafen the enemy that at +night the French army could sneak into Toulon unheard and capture the +city, which was, to say the least, unscientific. I saw at once that +Cartaux must go, and I soon managed to make life so unbearable for +him that he resigned, and a man named Doppet, a physician, was placed +in command. Doppet was worse than Cartaux. Whenever anybody got +hurt he'd stop the war and prescribe for the injured man. If he +could have prescribed for the enemy they'd have died in greater +numbers I have no doubt, but, like the idiot he was, he practised on +his own forces. Besides, he was more interested in surgery than in +capturing Toulon. He always gave the ambulance corps the right of +line, and I believe to this day that his plan of routing the English +involved a sudden rush upon them, taking them by surprise, and the +subsequent amputation of their legs. The worst feature of the +situation, as I found it, was that these two men, falling back upon +their rights as my superior officers, refused to take orders from me. +I called their attention to the fact that rank had been abolished, +and that in France one man was now as good as another; but they were +stubborn, so I wrote to Paris and had them removed. Then came +Dugommier, who backed me up in my plans, and Toulon as a consequence +immediately fell with a dull, sickening thud." + +It was during this siege that Bonaparte first encountered Junot. +Having occasion to write a note while under fire from the enemy's +batteries, Napoleon called for a stenographer. Junot came to him. + +"Do you know shorthand?" asked the general, as a bomb exploded at his +feet. + +"Slightly," said Junot, calmly. + +"Take this message," returned the general, coolly, dictating. + +Junot took down Bonaparte's words, but just as he finished another +bomb exploded near by, scattering dust and earth and sand all over +the paper. + +"Confounded boors, interrupting a gentleman at his correspondence!" +said Bonaparte, with an angry glance at the hostile gunners. "I'll +have to dictate that message all over again." + +"Yes, general," returned Junot, quickly, "but you needn't mind that. +There will be no extra charge. It's really my fault. I should have +brought an umbrella." + +"You are a noble fellow," said Napoleon, grasping his hand and +squeezing it warmly. "In the heyday of my prosperity, if my +prosperity ever goes a-haying, I shall remember you. Your name?" + +"Junot, General," was the reply. + +Bonaparte frowned. "Ha! ha!" he laughed, acridly. "You jest, eh? +Well, Junot, when I am Jupiter I'll reward you." + +Later on, discovering his error, Bonaparte made a memorandum +concerning Junot, which was the first link in the chain which +ultimately bound the stenographer to fame as a marshal of France. + +There have been various other versions of this anecdote, but this is +the only correct one, and is now published for the first time on the +authority of M. le Comte de B--, whose grandfather was the bass +drummer upon whose drum Junot was writing the now famous letter, and +who was afterwards ennobled by Napoleon for his services in Egypt, +where, one dark, drizzly night, he frightened away from Bonaparte's +tent a fierce band of hungry lions by pounding vigorously upon his +instrument. + +About this time Napoleon, who had been spelling his name in various +ways, and particularly with a "u," as Buonaparte, decided to settle +finally upon one form of designation. + +"People are beginning to bother the life out of me with requests for +my autograph," he said to Bourrienne, "and it is just as well that I +should settle on one. If I don't, they'll want me to write out a +complete set of them, and I haven't time to do that." + +"Buonaparte is a good-looking name," suggested Bourrienne. "It is +better than Bona Parte, as you sometimes call yourself. If you +settle on Bona Parte, you'd have really three names; and as you don't +write society verse for the comic papers, what's the use? Newspaper +reporters will refer to you as Napoleon B. Parte or N. Bona Parte, +and the public hates a man who parts his name in the middle. Parte +is a good name in its way, but it's too short and abrupt. Few men +with short, sharp, decisive names like that ever make their mark. +Let it be Buonaparte, which is sort of high-sounding--it makes a +mouthful, as it were." + +"If I drop the 'u' the autograph will be shorter, and I'll gain time +writing it," said Napoleon. "It shall be Bonaparte without 'u.'" + +"Humph!" ejaculated Bourrienne. "Bonaparte without me! I like that. +Might as well talk of Dr. Johnson without Boswell." + +Bonaparte now went to Nice as chief of batallion in the army of +Italy; but having incurred the displeasure of a suspicious home +government, he was shortly superseded, and lived in retirement with +his family at Marseilles for a brief time. Here he fell in love +again, and would have married Mademoiselle Clery, whom he afterwards +made Queen of Sweden, had he not been so wretchedly poor. + +"This, my dear," he said, sadly, to Mademoiselle Clery, "is the +beastly part of being the original ancestor of a family instead of a +descendant. I've got to make the fortune which will enrich +posterity, while I'd infinitely prefer having a rich uncle somewhere +who'd have the kindness to die and leave me a million. There's +Joseph--lucky man. He's gone and got married. He can afford it. He +has me to fall back on, but I--I haven't anybody to fall back on, and +so, for the second time in my life, must give up the only girl I ever +loved." + +With these words Napoleon left Mademoiselle Clery, and returned to +Paris in search of employment. + +"If there's nothing else to do, I can disguise myself as a Chinaman +and get employment in Madame Sans Gene's laundry," he said. "There's +no disgrace in washing, and in that way I may be able to provide +myself with decent linen, anyhow. Then I shall belong to the +laundered aristocracy, as the English have it." + +But greater things than this awaited Napoleon at Paris. Falling in +with Barras, a member of the Convention which ruled France at this +time, he learned that the feeling for the restoration of the monarchy +was daily growing stronger, and that the royalists of Paris were a +great menace to the Convention. + +"They'll mob us the first thing we know," said Barras. "The members +look to me to save them in case of attack, but I must confess I'd +like to sublet the contract." + +"Give it to me, then. I'm temporarily out of a job," said Napoleon, +"and the life I'm leading is killing me. If it weren't for Talma's +kindness in letting me lead his armies on the stage at the Odeon, +with a turn at scene-shifting when they are not playing war dramas, I +don't know what I'd do for my meals; and even when I do get a +sandwich ahead occasionally I have to send it to Marseilles to my +mother. Give me your contract, and if I don't save your Convention +you needn't pay me a red franc. I hate aristocrats, and I hate mobs; +and this being an aristocratic mob, I'll go into the work with +enthusiasm." + +"You!" cried Barras. "A man of your size, or lack of it, save the +Convention from a mob of fifty thousand? Nonsense!" + +"Did you ever hear that little slang phrase so much in vogue in +America," queried Napoleon, coldly fixing his eye on Barras--"a +phrase which in French runs, 'Petit, mais O Moi'--or, as they have +it, 'Little, but O My'? Well, that is me. {1} Besides, if I am +small, there is less chance of my being killed, which will make me +more courageous in the face of fire than one of your bigger men would +be." + +"I will put my mind on it," said Barras, somewhat won over by +Napoleon's self-confidence. + +"Thanks," said Napoleon; "and now come into the cafe and have dinner +with me." + +"Save your money, Bonaparte," said Barras. "You can't afford to pay +for your own dinner, much less mine." + +"That's precisely why I want you to dine with me," returned Napoleon. +"If I go alone, they won't serve me because they know I can't pay. +If I go in with you, they'll give me everything they've got on the +supposition that you will pay the bill. Come! En avant!" + +"Vous etes un bouchonnier, vraiment!" said Barras, with a laugh. + +"A what?" asked Napoleon, not familiar with the idiom. + +"A corker!" explained Barras. + +"Very good," said Napoleon, his face lighting up. "If you'll order a +bottle of Burgundy with the bird I will show you that I am likewise +something of an uncorker." + +This readiness on Napoleon's part in the face of difficulty +completely captured Barras, and as a result the young adventurer had +his first real chance to make an impression on Paris, where, on the +13th Vendemiaire (or October 4, 1795), he literally obliterated the +forces of the Sectionists, whose success in their attack upon the +Convention would have meant the restoration of the Bourbons to the +throne of France. Placed in command of the defenders of the +Convention, Napoleon with his cannon swept the mob from the four +broad avenues leading to the palace in which the legislators sat. + +"Don't fire over their heads," said he to his gunners, as the mob +approached. "Bring our arguments right down to their comprehension, +and remember that the comprehension of a royalist is largely affected +by his digestion. Therefore, gunners, let them have it there. If +these assassins would escape appendicitis they would better avoid the +grape I send them." + +The result is too well known to need detailed description here. +Suffice it to say that Bonaparte's attentions to the digestive +apparatus of the rioters were so effective that, in token of their +appreciation of his services, the Convention soon afterwards placed +him in command of the Army of the Interior. + +Holding now the chief military position in Paris, Bonaparte was much +courted by every one, but he continued his simple manner of living as +of yore, overlooking his laundry and other bills as unostentatiously +as when he had been a poor and insignificant subaltern, and daily +waxing more taciturn and prone to irritability. + +"You are becoming gloomy, General," said Barras one morning, as the +two men breakfasted. "It is time for you to marry and become a +family man." + +"Peste!" said Napoleon, "man of family! It takes too long--it is +tedious. Families are delightful when the children are grown up; but +I could not endure them in a state of infancy." + +"Ah!" smiled Barras, significantly. "But suppose I told you of a +place where you could find a family ready made?" + +Napoleon at once became interested. + +"I should marry it," he said, "for truly I do need some one to look +after my clothing, particularly now that, as a man of high rank, my +uniforms hold so many buttons." + +Thus it happened that Barras took the young hero to a reception at +the house of Madame Tallien, where he introduced him to the lovely +widow, Josephine de Beauharnais, and her two beautiful children. + +"There you are, Bonaparte," he whispered, as they entered the room; +"there is the family complete--one wife, one son, one daughter. What +more could you want? It will be yours if you ask for it, for Madame +de Beauharnais is very much in love with you." + +"Ha!" said Napoleon. "How do you know that?" + +"She told me so," returned Barras. + +"Very well," said Napoleon, making up his mind on the instant. "I +will see if I can involve her in a military engagement." + +Which, as the world knows, he did; and on the 9th of March, 1796, +Napoleon and Josephine were united, and the happy groom, writing to +his mother, announcing his marriage to "the only woman he ever +loved," said: "She is ten years older than I, but I can soon +overcome that. The opportunities for a fast life in Paris are +unequalled, and I have an idea that I can catch up with her in six +months if the Convention will increase my salary." + + + +CHAPTER V: ITALY--MILAN--VIENNA--VENICE +1796-1797 + + + +After a honeymoon of ten days Napoleon returned to work. Assuming +command of the army of Italy, he said: "I am at last in business for +myself. Keep your eyes on me, Bourrienne, and you'll wear blue +goggles. You'll have to, you'll be so dazzled. We will set off at +once for Italy. The army is in wretched shape. It lacks shoes, +clothes, food. It lacks everything. I don't think it even has +sense. If it had it would strike for lower wages." + +"Lower wages?" queried Bourrienne. "You mean higher, don't you?" + +"Not I," said Bonaparte. "They couldn't collect higher wages, but if +their pay was reduced they might get it once in a while. We can +change all this, however, by invading Italy. Italy has all things to +burn, from statuary to Leghorn hats. In three months we shall be at +Milan. There we can at least provide ourselves with fine collections +of oil-paintings. Meantime let the army feed on hope and wrap +themselves in meditation. It's poor stuff, but there's plenty of it, +and it's cheap. On holidays give the poor fellows extra rations, and +if hope does not sustain them, cheer them up with promises of drink. +Tell them when we get to Italy they can drink in the scenery in +unstinted measure, and meanwhile keep the band playing merrily. +There's nothing like music to drive away hunger. I understand that +the lamented king's appetite was seriously affected by the +Marseillaise." + +To his soldiers he spoke with equal vigor. + +"Soldiers," he said, "sartorially speaking, you are a poor lot; but +France does not want a tailor-made army at this juncture. We are not +about to go on dress parade, but into grim-visaged war, and the +patches on your trousers, if you present a bold front to the enemy, +need never be seen. You are also hungry, but so am I. I have had no +breakfast for four hours. The Republic owes you much; but money is +scarce, and you must whistle for your pay. The emigres have gone +abroad with all the circulating medium they could lay their hands on, +and the Government has much difficulty in maintaining the gold +reserve. For my part, I prefer fighting for glory to whistling for +money. Fighting is the better profession. You are men. Leave +whistling to boys. Follow me into Italy, where there are fertile +plains--plains from whose pregnant soil the olive springs at the rate +of a million bottles a year, plains through whose lovely lengths +there flow rivers of Chianti. Follow me to Italy, where there are +opulent towns with clothing-stores on every block, and churches +galore, with their poor-boxes bursting with gold. Soldiers, can you +resist the alluring prospect?" + +"Vive l'Empereur!" cried the army, with one voice. + +Napoleon frowned. + +"Soldiers!" he cried, "Remember this: you are making history; +therefore, pray be accurate. I am not yet Emperor, and you are +guilty of an anachronism of a most embarrassing sort. Some men make +history in a warm room with pen and ink, aided by guide-books and +collections of anecdotes. Leave anachronisms and inaccuracies to +them. For ourselves, we must carve it out with our swords and +cannon; we must rubricate our pages with our gore, and punctuate our +periods with our bayonets. Let it not be said by future ages that we +held our responsibilities lightly and were careless of facts, and to +that end don't refer to me as Emperor until you are more familiar +with dates. When we have finished with Italy I'll take you to the +land where dates grow. Meanwhile, restez tranquille, as they say in +French, and breathe all the air you want. France can afford you that +in unstinted measure." + +"Vive Bonaparte!" cried the army, taking the rebuke in good part. + +"Now you're shouting," said Napoleon, with a smile. "You're a good +army, and if you stick by me you'll wear diamonds." + +"We have forgotten one thing," said Barras a few days later, on the +eve of Napoleon's departure. "We haven't any casus belli." + +"What's that?" said Napoleon, who had been so busy with his +preparations that he had forgotten most of his Greek and Latin. + +"Cause for war," said Barras. "Where were you educated? If you are +going to fight the Italians you've got to have some principle to +fight for." + +"That's precisely what we are going to fight for," said Napoleon. +"We're a bankrupt people. We're going to get some principal to set +us up in business. We may be able to float some bonds in Venice." + +"True," returned Barras; "but that, after all, is mere highway +robbery." + +"Well, all I've got to say," retorted Napoleon, with a sneer--"all +I've got to say is that if your Directory can't find something in the +attitude of Italy towards the Republic to take offence at, the sooner +it goes out of business the better. I'll leave that question +entirely to you fellows at Paris. I can't do everything. You look +after the casus, and I'll take care of the belli." + +This plan was adopted. The Directory, after discussing various +causes for action, finally decided that an attack on Italy was +necessary for three reasons. First, because the alliance between the +kings of Sardinia and Austria was a menace to the Republic, and must +therefore be broken. Second, the Austrians were too near the Rhine +for France's comfort, and must be diverted before they had drunk all +the wine of the country, of which the French were very fond; and, +third, His Holiness the Pope had taken little interest in the now +infidel France, and must therefore be humiliated. These were the +reasons for the war settled upon by the government, and as they were +as satisfactory to Napoleon as any others, he gave the order which +set the army of Italy in motion. + +"How shall we go, General?" asked Augereau, one of his subordinates. +"Over the Alps?" + +"Not this time," returned Napoleon. "It is too cold. The army has +no ear-tabs. We'll skirt the Alps, and maybe the skirt will make +them warmer." + +This the army proceeded at once to do, and within a month the first +object of the war was accomplished. + +The Sardinian king was crushed, and the army found itself in +possession of food, drink, and clothes to a surfeit. Bonaparte's +pride at his success was great but not over-weening. + +"Soldiers!" he cried, "you have done well. So have I. Hannibal +crossed the Alps. We didn't; but we got here just the same. You +have provided yourselves with food and clothes, and declared a +dividend for the Treasury of France which will enable the Directory +to buy itself a new hat through which to address the people. You +have reason to be proud of yourselves. Pat yourselves on your backs +with my compliments, but remember one thing. Our tickets are to +Milan, and no stop-overs are allowed. Therefore, do not as yet relax +your efforts. Milan is an imperial city. The guide-books tell us +that its cathedral is a beauty, the place is full of pictures, and +the opera-house finished in 1779 is the largest in the world. It can +be done in two days, and the hotels are good. Can you, therefore, +sleep here?" + +"No, no!" cried the army. + +"Then," cried Napoleon, tightening his reins and lifting his horse on +to its hind-legs and holding his sword aloft, "A Milan!" + +"How like a statue he looks," said Lannes, admiringly. + +"Yes," replied Augereau, "you'd think he was solid brass." + +The Austrian troops were now concentrated behind the Po, but Napoleon +soon outgeneralled their leaders, drove them back to the Adda, and +himself pushed on to the Bridge of Lodi, which connected the east and +west branches of that river. + +"When I set out for the P. O. P. E.," said Napoleon, "I'm not going +to stop halfway and turn back at the P. O. We've got the Austrians +over the Adda, and that's just where we want them. I had a dream +once about the Bridge of Lodi, and it's coming true now or never. +We'll take a few of our long divisions, cross the Adda, and subtract +a few fractions of the remainder now left the Austrians. This will +destroy their enthusiasm, and Milan will be ours." + +The words were prophetic, for on the 10th of May the French did +precisely what their commander had said they would do, and on the +fourteenth day of May the victorious French entered Milan, the +wealthy capital of Lombardy. + +"Curious fact," said Napoleon. "In times of peace if a man needs a +tonic you give him iron, and it builds him up; but in war if you give +the troops iron it bowls 'em down. Look at those Austrians; they've +got nervous prostration of the worst sort." + +"They got too much iron," said Lannes. + +"Too much tonic is worse than none. A man can stand ten or twenty +grains of iron, but forty pounds is rather upsetting." + +"True," acquiesced Napoleon. "Well, it was a great fight, and I have +only one regret. I do wish you'd had a Kodak to take a few snap- +shots of me at that Bridge of Lodi. I'd like to send some home to +the family. It would have reminded brother Joseph of old times to +see me dashing over that bridge, prodding its planks with my heels +until it fairly creaked with pain. It would have made a good +frontispiece for Bourrienne's book too. And now, my dear Lannes, +what shall we do with ourselves for the next five days? Get out your +Baedecker and let us see this imperial city of the Lombards." + +"There's one matter we must arrange first," said Augereau; "we +haven't any stable accommodations to speak of." + +"What's the matter with the stalls at the opera-house?" suggested +Napoleon. "As I told the troops the other day, it's the biggest +theatre in the world. You ought to be able to stable the horses +there and lodge the men in the boxes." + +"The horses would look well sitting in orchestra chairs, wouldn't +they?" said Augereau. "It's not feasible. As for the boxes, they're +mostly held by subscribers." + +"Then stable them in the picture-galleries," said the general. "It +will be good discipline." + +"The people will call that sacrilege," returned Augereau. + +"Not if we remove the pictures," said Bonaparte. "We'll send the +pictures to Paris." + +Accordingly this was done, and the galleries of France were thereby +much enriched. We mention these details at length, because Napoleon +has been severely criticised for thus impoverishing Italy, as well as +for his so-called contempt of art--a criticism which, in the face of +this accurate version, must fall to the ground. The pictures were +sent by him to Paris merely to preserve them, and, as he himself +said, a propos of the famous Da Vinci, beneath which horses and men +alike were quartered: "I'd have sent that too, but to do it I'd have +had to send the whole chapel or scrape the picture off the wall. +These Italians should rather thank than condemn me for leaving it +where it was. Mine was not an army of destruction, but a Salvation +Army of the highest type." + +"You made mighty few converts for a Salvation Army," said Talleyrand, +to whom this remark was addressed. + +"That's where you are wrong," said Napoleon. "I made angels of +innumerable Austrians, and converted quite a deal of Italian into +French territory." + +It was hardly to be doubted that Napoleon's successes would arouse +jealousies in Paris, and the Directory, fearing the hold the +victorious general was acquiring upon the people, took steps to limit +his powers. Bonaparte instantly resigned his command and threatened +to return to Paris, which so frightened the government that they +refused to accept his resignation. + +From this time on for nearly a year Napoleon's career was a +succession of victories. He invaded the Papal States, and acquired +millions of francs and hundreds of pictures. He chastised all who +opposed his sway, and, after pursuing the Austrians as far as Leoben, +within sight of Vienna, he humbled the haughty Emperor Joseph. + +"I'll recognize your Republic," said the Emperor at last, finding +that there was nothing else to be done. + +"Thanks," said Napoleon--"I thought you would; but I don't know +whether the Republic will recognize you. She doesn't even know you +by sight." + +"Is that all you want?" asked the Emperor, anxiously. + +"For the present, yes. Some day I may come back for something else," +returned Napoleon, significantly. "And, by-the-way, when you are +sending your card to the French people just enclose a small +remittance of a few million francs, not necessarily for publication, +but as a guarantee of good faith. Don't send all you've got, but +just enough. You may want to marry off one of your daughters some +day, and it will be well to save something for her dowry." + +It was in little acts of this nature that Napoleon showed his +wonderful foresight. One would almost incline to believe from this +particular incident that Bonaparte foresaw the Marie-Louise episode +in his future career. + +The Austrians humbled, Napoleon turned his attention to Venice. +Venice had been behaving in a most exasperating fashion, and the +conqueror felt that the time had come to take the proud City of the +Sea in hand. + +"If the Venetians have any brains," said he to Bourrienne, who joined +him about this time, secretly representing, it is said, a newspaper- +syndicate service, "they'll put on all the sail they've got and take +their old city out to sea. They're in for the worst ducking they +ever got." + +"I'm afraid you'll find them hard to get at," said Bourrienne. "That +lagoon is a wet place." + +"Oh, as for that," said Bonaparte, "a little water will do the army +good. We've been fighting so hard it's been months since they've had +a good tubbing, and a swim won't hurt them. Send Lannes here." In a +few minutes Lannes entered Bonaparte's tent. + +"Lannes, we're off for Venice. Provide the army with overshoes, and +have our luggage checked through," said Bonaparte. + +"Yes, General." + +"Can Augereau swim?" + +"I don't know, General." + +"Well, find out, and if he can't we'll get him a balloon." + +Thus, taking every precaution for the comfort of his men and the +safety of his officers, Napoleon set out. Venice, hearing of his +approach, was filled with consternation, and endeavored to temporize. +The Doges offered millions if Bonaparte would turn his attention to +others, to which Napoleon made this spirited reply: "Venetians, tell +the Doges, with my compliments, that I am coming. The wealth of the +Indies couldn't change my mind. They offer me stocks and bonds; +well, I believe their stocks and bonds to be as badly watered as +their haughty city, and I'll have none of them. I'll bring my stocks +with me, and your Doges will sit in them. I'll bring my bonds, and +your nobles shall put them on and make them clank. You've been +drowning Frenchmen every chance you've had. It will now be my +pleasing duty to make you do a little gurgling on your own account. +You'll find out for the first time in your lives what it is to be in +the swim. Put on your bathing-suits and prepare for the avenger. +The lions of St. Marc must lick the dust." + +"We have no dust, General," said one of the messengers. + +"Then you'd better get some," retorted Napoleon, "for you will have +to come down with it to the tune of millions." + +True to his promise, Napoleon appeared at the lagoon on the 31st of +May, and the hitherto haughty Venice fell with a splash that could be +heard for miles, first having sent five ships of war, 3,000,000 +francs, as many more in naval stores, twenty of her best pictures, +the bronze horses of the famous church, five hundred manuscripts, and +one apology to the French Republic as the terms of peace. The bronze +horses were subsequently returned, but what became of the manuscripts +we do not know. They probably would have been returned also--a large +portion of them, at least--if postage-stamps had been enclosed. This +is mere theory, of course; but it is rendered reasonable by the fact +that this is the usual fate of most manuscripts; nor is there any +record of their having been published in the Moniteur, the only +periodical which the French government was printing at that time. + +As for Bonaparte, it was as balm to his soul to humble the haughty +Doges, whose attitude towards him had always been characterized by a +superciliousness which filled him with resentment. + +"It did me good," he said, many years after, with a laugh, "to see +those Doges swimming up and down the Grand Canal in their state +robes, trying to look dignified, while I stood on the sidewalk and +asked them why they didn't come in out of the wet." + + + +CHAPTER VI: MONTEBELLO--PARIS--EGYPT +1797-1799 + + + +Josephine now deemed it well to join her lord at Milan. There had +been so many only women he had ever loved that she was not satisfied +to remain at Paris while he was conducting garden-parties at the +Castle of Montebello. Furthermore, Bonaparte himself wished her to +be present. + +"This Montebello life is, after all, little else than a dress +rehearsal for what is to come," he said, confidentially, to +Bourrienne, "and Josephine can't afford to be absent. It's a great +business, this being a Dictator and having a court of your own, and +I'm inclined to think I shall follow it up as my regular profession +after I've conquered a little more of the earth." + +Surrounded by every luxury, and in receipt for the first time in his +life of a steady income, Bonaparte carried things with a high hand. +He made treaties with various powers without consulting the +Directory, for whom every day he felt a growing contempt. + +"What is the use of my consulting the Directory, anyhow?" he asked. +"If it were an Elite Directory it might be worth while, but it isn't. +I shall, therefore, do as I please, and if they don't like what I do +I'll ratify it myself." + +Ambassadors waited upon him as though he were a king, and when one +ventured to disagree with the future Emperor he wished he hadn't. +Cobentzel, the envoy of the Austrian ruler, soon discovered this. + +"I refuse to accept your ultimatum," said he one day to Napoleon, +after a protracted conference. + +"You do, eh?"--said Napoleon, picking up a vase of delicate +workmanship. "Do you see this jug?" + +"Yes," said Cobentzel. + +"Well," continued Napoleon, dropping it to the floor, where it was +shattered into a thousand pieces, "do you see it now?" + +"I do," said Cobentzel; "what then?" + +"It has a mate," said Napoleon, significantly; "and if you do not +accept my ultimatum I'll smash the other one upon your plain but +honest countenance." + +Cobentzel accepted the ultimatum. + +Bonaparte's contempt for the Directory was beginning to be shared by +a great many of the French, and, to save themselves, the "Five Sires +of the Luxembourg," as the Directory were called, resolved on a +brilliant stroke, which involved no less a venture than the invasion +of England. Bonaparte, hearing of this, and anxious to see London, +of which he had heard much, left Italy and returned to Paris. + +"If there's a free tour of England to be had, Josephine," said he, "I +am the man to have it. Besides, this climate of Italy is getting +pretty hot for an honest man. I've refused twenty million francs in +bribes in two weeks. If they'd offered another sou I'm afraid I'd +have taken it. I will therefore go to Paris, secure the command of +the army of England, and pay a few of my respects to George Third, +Esq. I hear a great many English drop their h's; I'll see if I can't +make 'em drop their l. s. d.'s as well." + +Arrived in Paris, Bonaparte was much courted by everybody. + +"I have arrived," he said, with a grim smile. "Even my creditors are +glad to see me, and I'll show them that I have not forgotten them by +running up a few more bills." + +This he did, going to the same tradesmen that he had patronized in +his days of poverty. To his hatter, whom he owed for his last five +hats, he said: + +"They call me haughty here; they say I am cold. Well, I am cold. +I've shivered on the Alps several times since I was here last, and it +has chilled my nature. It has given me the grip, so to speak, and +when I lose my grip the weather will be even colder. Give me a hat, +my friend." + +"What size?" asked the hatter. + +"The same," said Bonaparte, with a frown. "Why do you ask?" + +"I was told your head had swelled," returned the hatter, meekly. + +"They shall pay for this," murmured Napoleon, angrily. + +"I am glad," said the hatter, with a sigh. "I was wondering who'd +pay for it." + +"Oh, you were, eh?" said Napoleon. "Well, wonder no more. Get out +your books." + +The hatter did so. + +"Now charge it," said Napoleon. + +"To whom?" asked the hatter. + +"Those eminent financiers, Profit & Loss," said Napoleon, with a +laugh, as he left the shop. "That's what I call a most successful +hat-talk," he added, as he told Bourrienne of the incident later in +the day. + +"How jealous they all are!" said Bourrienne. "The idea of your +having a swelled head is ridiculous." + +"Of course," said Napoleon; "all I've got is a proper realization of +'Whom I Am,' as they say in Boston. But wait, my boy, wait. When I +put a crown on my head--" + +What Bonaparte would have said will never be known, for at that +moment the general's servant announced Mme. Sans Gene, his former +laundress, and that celebrated woman, unconventional as ever, stalked +into the room. Napoleon looked at her coldly. + +"You are--?" he queried. + +"Your former laundress," she replied. + +"Ah, and you want--?" + +"My pay," she retorted. + +"I am sorry, madame," said the General, "but the expenses of my +Italian tour have been very great, and I am penniless. I will, +however, assist you to the full extent of my power. Here are three +collars and a dress-shirt. If you will launder them I will wear them +to the state ball to-morrow evening, and will tell all my rich and +influential friends who did them up, and if you wish I will send you +a letter saying that I patronized your laundry once two years ago, +and have since used no other." + +These anecdotes, unimportant in themselves, are valuable in that they +refute the charges made against General Bonaparte at this time-- +first, that he returned from Egypt with a fortune, and, second, that +he carried himself with a hauteur which rendered him unapproachable. + +For various reasons the projected invasion of England was abandoned, +and the expedition to Egypt was substituted. This pleased Napoleon +equally as well. + +"I wasn't stuck on the English invasion, anyhow," he said, in writing +to Joseph. "In the first place, they wanted me to go in October, +when the London season doesn't commence until spring, and, in the +second place, I hate fogs and mutton-chops. Egypt is more to my +taste. England would enervate me. Egypt, with the Desert of Sahara +in its backyard, will give me plenty of sand, and if you knew what +projects I have in mind--which, of course, you don't, for you never +knew anything, my dear Joseph--you'd see how much of that I need." + +The Directory were quite as glad to have Napoleon go to Egypt as he +was to be sent. Their jealousy of him was becoming more painful to +witness every day. + +"If he goes to England," said Barras, "he'll conquer it, sure as +fate; and it will be near enough for excursion steamers to take the +French people over to see him do it. If that happens we are lost." + +"He'll conquer Egypt, though, and he'll tell about it in such a way +that he will appear twice as great," suggested Carnot. "Seems to me +we'd better sell out at once and be done with it." + +"Not so," said Moulin. "Let him go to Egypt. Very likely he'll fall +off a pyramid there and break his neck." + +"Or get sunstruck," suggested Barras. + +"There's no question about it in my mind," said Gohier. "Egypt is +the place. If he escapes the pyramids or sunstroke, there are still +the lions and the simoon, not to mention the rapid tides of the Red +Sea. Why, he just simply can't get back alive. I vote for Egypt." + +Thus it happened that on the 19th day of May, 1798, with an army of +forty thousand men and a magnificant staff of picked officers, +Napoleon embarked for Egypt. + +"I'm glad we're off," said he to the sailor who had charge of his +steamer-chair. "I've got to hurry up and gain some more victories or +these French will forget me. A man has to make a three-ringed circus +of himself to keep his name before the public these days." + +"What are you fightin' for this time, sir?" asked the sailor, who had +not heard that war had been declared--"ile paintin's or pyramids?" + +"I am going to free the people of the East from the oppressor," said +Napoleon, loftily. + +"And it's a noble work, your honor," said the sailor. "Who is it +that's oppressin' these people down East?" + +"You'll have to consult the Directory," said Napoleon, coldly. +"Leave me; I have other things to think of." + +On the 10th of June Malta was reached, and the Knights of St. John, +long disused to labor of any sort, like many other knights of more +modern sort, surrendered in most hospitable fashion, inviting +Napoleon to come ashore and accept the freedom of the island or +anything else he might happen to want. His reply was characteristic: + +"Tell the Knights of Malta to attend to their cats. I'm after +continents, not islands," said he; and with this, leaving a +detachment of troops to guard his new acquisition, he proceeded to +Alexandria, which he reached on the 1st of July. Here, in the midst +of a terrible storm and surf, Napoleon landed his forces, and +immediately made a proclamation to the people. + +"Fellahs!" he cried, "I have come. The newspapers say to destroy +your religion. As usual, they prevaricate. I have come to free you. +All you who have yokes to shed prepare to shed them now. I come with +the olive-branch in my hand. Greet me with outstretched palms. Do +not fight me for I am come to save you, and I shall utterly +obliterate any man, be he fellah, Moujik, or even the great Marmalade +himself, who prefers fighting to being saved. We may not look it, +but we are true Mussulmen. If you doubt it, feel our muscle. We +have it to burn. Desert the Mamelukes and be saved. The Pappylukes +are here." + +On reading this proclamation Alexandria immediately fell, and +Bonaparte, using the Koran as a guide-book, proceeded on his way up +the Nile. The army suffered greatly from the glare and burning of +the sun-scorched sand, and from the myriads of pestiferous insects +that infested the country; but Napoleon cheered them on. "Soldiers!" +he cried, when they complained, "if this were a summer resort, and +you were paying five dollars a day for a room at a bad hotel, you'd +think yourselves in luck, and you'd recommend your friends to come +here for a rest. Why not imagine this to be the case now? Brace up. +We'll soon reach the pyramids, and it's a mighty poor pyramid that +hasn't a shady side. On to Cairo!" + +"It's easy enough for you to talk," murmured one. "You've got a +camel to ride on and we have to walk." + +"Well, Heaven knows," retorted Napoleon, pointing to his camel, +"camel riding isn't like falling off a log. At first I was carried +away with it, but for the last two days it has made me so sea-sick I +can hardly see that hump." + +After this there was no more murmuring, but Bonaparte did not for an +instant relax his good-humor. + +"The water is vile," said Dessaix, one morning. + +"Why not drink milk, then?" asked the commander. + +"Milk! I'd love to," returned Dessaix; "but where shall I find +milk?" + +"At the dairy," said Napoleon, with a twinkle in his eye. + +"What dairy?" asked Dessaix, not observing the twinkle. + +"The dromedary," said Napoleon, with a roar. + +Little incidents like this served to keep the army in good spirits +until the 21st of July, when they came in sight of the pyramids. +Instantly Napoleon called a halt, and the army rested. The next day, +drawing them up in line, the General addressed them. "Soldiers!" he +cried, pointing to the pyramids, "from the summits of those pyramids +forty centuries look down upon you. You can't see them, but they are +there. No one should look down upon the French, not even a century. +Therefore, I ask you, shall we allow the forces of the Bey, his +fellahs and his Tommylukes, to drive us into the desert of Sahara, +bag and baggage, to subsist on a sea-less seashore for the balance of +our days, particularly when they haven't any wheels on their cannon?" + +"No, no!" cried the army. + +"Then up sail and away!" cried Bonaparte. "This is to be no naval +affair, but the army of the Bey awaits us." + +"Tell the band to play a Wagner march," he whispered, hastily, to his +aide-de-camp. "It'll make the army mad, and what we need now is +wrath." + +So began the battle of the Pyramids. The result is too well known to +readers of contemporary history to need detailed statement here. All +day long it raged, and when night fell Cairo came with it. Napoleon, +worn out with fatigue, threw himself down on a pyramid to rest. + +"Ah!" he said, as he breathed a sigh of relief, "what a glorious day! +We've beat 'em! Won't the Directory be glad? M. Barras will be more +M. Barrassed than ever." Then, turning and tapping on the door of +the massive pile, he whispered, softly: "Ah! Ptolemy, my man, it's +a pity you've no windows in this tomb. You'd have seen a pretty +sight this day. Kleber," he added, turning to that general, "do you +know why Ptolemy inside this pyramid and I outside of it are alike?" + +"I cannot guess, General," said Kleber. "Why?" + +"We're both 'in it'!" returned Napoleon, retiring to his tent. + +Later on in the evening, summoning Bourrienne, the victor said to +him: + +"Mr. Secretary, I have a new autograph. If Ptolemy can spell his +name with a 'p,' why shouldn't I? I'm not going to have history say +that a dead mummy could do things I couldn't. Pnapoleon would look +well on a state paper." + +"No doubt," said Bourrienne; "but every one now says that you copy +Caesar. Why give them the chance to call you an imitator of Ptolemy +also?" + +"True, my friend, true," returned Napoleon, in a tone of +disappointment. "I had not thought of that. When you write my +autographs for the children of these Jennylukes--" + +"Mamelukes, General," corrected Bourrienne. + +"Ah, yes--I always get mixed in these matters--for the children of +these Mamelukes, you may stick to the old form. Good-night." + +And with that the conqueror went to sleep as peacefully as a little +child. + +Had Bonaparte now returned to France he would have saved himself much +misery. King of fire though he had become in the eyes of the +vanquished, his bed was far from being one of roses. + +"In a climate like that," he observed, sadly, many years after, "I'd +rather have been an ice baron. Africa got entirely too hot to cut +any ice with me. Ten days after I had made my friend Ptolemy turn +over in his grave, Admiral Nelson came along with an English fleet +and challenged our Admiral Brueys to a shooting-match for the +championship of Aboukir Bay. Brueys, having heard of what magazine +writers call the ships of the desert in my control, supposing them to +be frigates and not camels, imagined himself living in Easy Street, +and accepted the challenge. He expected me to sail around to the +other side of Nelson, and so have him between two fires. Well, I +don't go to sea on camels, as you know, and the result was that after +a twenty-four-hour match the camels were the only ships we had left. +Nelson had won the championship, laid the corner-stone of monuments +to himself all over English territory, cut me off from France, and +added three thousand sea-lubbers to my force, for that number of +French sailors managed to swim ashore during the fight. I manned the +camels with them immediately, but it took them months to get their +land legs on, and the amount of grog they demanded would have made a +quick-sand of the Desert of Sahara, all of which was embarrassing." + +But Napoleon did not show his embarrassment to those about him. He +took upon himself the government of Egypt, opened canals, and +undertook to behave like a peaceable citizen for a while. + +"I needed rest, and I got it," he said. "Sitting on the apex of the +pyramids, I could see the whole world at my feet, and whatever others +may say to the contrary, it was there that I began to get a clear +view of my future. It seemed to me that from that lofty altitude, +chumming, as I was, with the forty centuries I have already alluded +to, I could see two ways at once, that every glance could penetrate +eternity; but I realize now that what I really got was only a bird's- +eye view of the future. I didn't see that speck of a St. Helena. If +I had, in the height of my power I should have despatched an +expedition of sappers and miners to blow it up." + +Quiescence might as well be expected of a volcano, however, as from a +man of Bonaparte's temperament, and it was not long before he was +again engaged in warfare, but not with his old success; and finally, +the plague having attacked his army, Bonaparte, too tender-hearted to +see it suffer, leaving opium for the sick and instructions for +Kleber, whom he appointed his successor, set sail for France once +more in September, 1799. + +"Remember, Kleber, my boy," he said, in parting, "these Mussulmen are +a queer lot. Be careful how you treat them. If you behave like a +Christian you're lost. I don't want to go back to France, but I +must. I got a view of the next three years from the top of Cheops +last night just before sunset, and if that view is to be carried out +my presence in Paris is positively required. The people are tired of +the addresses given by the old Directory, and they're seriously +thinking of getting out a new one, and I want to be on hand either to +edit it or to secure my appointment to some lucrative consulship." + +"You!--a man of your genius after a consulship?" queried Kleber, +astonished. + +"Yes, I have joined the office-seekers, General; but wait till you +hear what consulship it is. The American consul-generalship at +London is worth $70,000 a year, but mine--mine in contrast to that is +as golf to muggins." + +"And what shall I tell the reporters about that Jaffa business if +they come here? That poison scandal is sure to come up," queried +Kleber. + +"Treat them well. Tell the truth if you know it, and--ah--invite +them to dinner," said Bonaparte. "Give them all the delicacies of +the season. When you serve the poisson, let it be with one 's,' and, +to make assurance doubly sure, flavor the wines with the quickest you +have." + +"Quickest what?" asked Kleber, who was slightly obtuse. + +"Humph!" sneered Napoleon. "On second thoughts, if reporters bother +you, take them swimming where the crocodiles are thickest--only +either don't bathe with them yourself, or wear your mail bathing- +suit. Furthermore, remember that what little of the army is left are +my children." + +"What?" cried the obtuse Kleber. "All those?" + +"They are my children, Kleber," said Napoleon, his voice shaking with +emotion. "I am young to be the head of so large a family, but the +fact remains as I have said. They may feel badly at my going away +and leaving them even with so pleasing a hired man as yourself, but +comfort them, let them play in the sand all they please, and if they +want to know why papa has gone away, tell them I've gone to Paris to +buy them some candy." + +With these words Napoleon embarked, and on the 16th of October Paris +received him with open arms. That night the members of the Directory +came down with chills and fever. + + + +CHAPTER VII: THE 19TH BRUMAIRE--CONSUL--THE TUILERIES--CAROLINE +1799 + + + +"There is no question about my greatness now," said Napoleon, as he +meditated upon his position. "Even if the Directory were not jealous +and the people enthusiastic, the number of relatives I have +discovered in the last ten days would show that things are going my +way. I have had congratulatory messages from 800 aunts, 950 uncles, +and about 3800 needy cousins since my arrival. It is queer how big a +family a lonely man finds he has when his star begins to twinkle. +Even Joseph is glad see me now, and I am told that the ice-cream men +serve little vanilla Napoleons at all the swell dinners. Bourrienne, +our time has come! Get out my most threadbare uniform, fray a few of +my collars at the edges, and shoot a few holes in my hat. I'll go +out and take a walk along the Avenue de l'Opera, where the people can +see me." + +"There isn't any such street in Paris yet, General," said Bourrienne, +getting out his Paris guide-book. + +"Well, there ought to be," said Napoleon. + +"What streets are there? I must be seen or I'll be forgotten." + +"What's the matter with a lounge in front of the Luxembourg? That +will make a contrast that can't help affect the populace. You, the +conqueror, ill-clad, unshaven, and with a hat full of bullet-holes, +walking outside the palace, with the incompetent Directors lodged +comfortably inside, will make a scene that is bound to give the +people food for thought." + +"Well said!" cried Bonaparte. "Here are the pistols go out into the +woods and prepare the hat. I'll fray the collars." + +This was done, and the effect was instantaneous. The public +perceived the point, and sympathy ran so high that a public dinner +was offered to the returned warrior. + +"I have no use for pomp, Mr. Toast-master," he said, as he rose to +speak at this banquet. "I am not a good after-dinner speaker, but I +want the people of France to know that I am grateful for this meal. +I rise only to express the thanks of a hungry man for this timely +contribution to his inner self, and I wish to add that I should not +willingly have added to the already heavy tax upon the pockets of a +patriotic people by accepting this dinner, if it were not for the +demands of nature. It is only the direst necessity that brings me +here; for one must eat, and I cannot beg." + +These remarks, as may well be imagined, sent a thrill of enthusiasm +throughout France and filled the Directory with consternation. The +only cloud upon Bonaparte's horizon was a slight coldness which arose +between himself and Josephine. She had gone to meet him on his +arrival at Frejus, but by some odd mistake took the road to Burgundy, +while Napoleon came by way of Lyons. They therefore missed each +other. + +"I could not help it," she said, when Napoleon jealously chided her. +"I've travelled very little, and the geography of France always did +puzzle me." + +"It is common sense that should have guided you, not knowledge of +geography. When I sail into Port, you sail into Burgundy--you, the +only woman I ever loved!" cried Napoleon, passionately. "Hereafter, +madame, for the sake of our step-children, be more circumspect. At +this time I cannot afford a trip to South Dakota for the purpose of a +quiet divorce, nor would a public one pay at this juncture; but I +give you fair warning that I shall not forget this escapade, and once +we are settled in the--the Whatistobe, I shall remember, and another +only woman I have ever loved will dawn upon your horizon." + +Bonaparte was now besieged by all the military personages of France. +His home became the Mecca of soldiers of all kinds, and in order to +hold their interest the hero of the day found it necessary to draw +somewhat upon the possessions which the people were convinced he was +without. Never an admirer of consistency, France admired this more +than ever. It was a paradox that this poverty-stricken soldier +should entertain so lavishly, and the people admired the nerve which +prompted him to do it, supposing, many of them, that his creditors +were men of a speculative nature, who saw in the man a good-paying +future investment. + +Thus matters went until the evening of the 17th Brumaire, when +Napoleon deemed that he had been on parade long enough, and that the +hour demanded action. + +"This is the month of Bromide," he said. + +"Brumaire," whispered Bourrienne. + +"I said Bromide," retorted Napoleon, "and the people are asleep. +Bromide has that effect. That is why I call it Bromide, and I have +as much right to name my months as any one else. Wherefore I repeat, +this is the month of Bromide, and the people are asleep! I will now +wake them up. The garrisons of Paris and the National Guard have +asked me to review them, and I'm going to do it, and I've a new set +of tictacs." + +"Tactics, General, tactics," implored Bourrienne. + +"There is no use discussing words, Mr. Secretary," retorted +Bonaparte. "It has always been the criticism of my opponents that I +didn't know a tactic from a bedtick--well, perhaps I don't; and for +that reason I am not going to talk about tactics with which I am not +familiar, but I shall speak of tictacs, which is a game I have played +from infancy, and of which I am a master. I'm going to get up a new +government, Bourrienne. Summon all the generals in town, including +Bernadotte. They're all with me except Bernadotte, and he'll be so +unpleasant about what I tell him to do that he'll make all the others +so mad they'll stick by me through thick and thin. If there's any +irritating work to be done, let Joseph do it. He has been well +trained in the art of irritation. I have seen Sieyes and Ducos, and +have promised them front seats in the new government which my tictacs +are to bring about. Barras won't have the nerve to oppose me, and +Gohier and Moulin have had the ague for weeks. We'll have the +review, and my first order to the troops will be to carry humps; the +second will be to forward march; and the third will involve the +closing of a long lease, in my name, of the Luxembourg Palace, with a +salary connected with every room in the house." + +It is needless for us to go into details. The review came off as +Napoleon wished, and his orders were implicitly obeyed, with the +result that on the 19th of Brumaire the Directory was filed away, and +Napoleon Bonaparte, with Sieyes and Ducos as fellow-consuls, were +called upon to save France from anarchy. + +"Well, Josephine," said Bonaparte, on the evening of the 19th, as he +put his boots outside of the door of his new apartment in the +Luxembourg, "this is better than living in a flat, and I must confess +I find the feather-beds of the palace more inviting than a couch of +sand under a date-tree in Africa." + +"And what are you going to do next?" asked Josephine. + +"Ha!" laughed Napoleon, blowing out the candle. "There's a woman's +curiosity for you! The continuation of this entertaining story, my +love, will be found in volume two of Bourrienne's attractive history, +From the Tow-path to the Tuileries, now in course of preparation, and +for sale by all accredited agents at the low price of ten francs a +copy." + +With this remark Napoleon jumped into bed, and on the authority of M. +le Comte de Q-, at this time Charge a Affaires of the Luxembourg, and +later on Janitor of the Tuileries, was soon dreaming of the Empire. + +The Directory overthrown, Bonaparte turned his attention to the +overthrow of the Consulate. + +"Gentlemen," he said to his fellow-consuls, "I admire you personally +very much, and no doubt you will both of you agree in most matters, +but as I am fearful lest you should disagree on matters of +importance, and so break that beautiful friendship which I am pleased +to see that you have for each other, I shall myself cast a deciding +vote in all matters, large or small. This will enable you to avoid +differences, and to continue in that spirit of amity which I have +always so much admired in your relations. You can work as hard as +you please, but before committing yourselves to anything, consult me, +not each other. What is a Consul for if not for a consultation?" + +Against this Sieyes and Ducos were inclined to rebel, but Bonaparte +soon dispelled their opposition. Ringing his bell, he summoned an +aide-de-camp, whispered a few words in his ear, and then leaned +quietly back in his chair. The aide-de-camp retired, and two minutes +later the army stationed without began shouting most enthusiastically +for Bonaparte. The General walked to the window and bowed, and the +air was rent with huzzas and vivas. + +"I guess he's right," whispered Sieyes, as the shouting grew more and +more vigorous. + +"Guess again," growled Ducos. + +"You were saying, gentlemen--?" said Bonaparte, returning. + +"That we are likely to have rain before long," said Sieyes, quickly. + +"I shouldn't be surprised," returned Napoleon, "and I'd advise you +laymen to provide yourselves with umbrellas when the rain begins. I, +as a soldier, shall not feel the inclemency of the weather that is +about to set in. And, by-the-way, Sieyes, please prepare a new +Constitution for France, providing for a single-headed commission to +rule the country. Ducos, you need rest. Pray take a vacation until +further notice; I'll attend to matters here. On your way down-stairs +knock at Bourrienne's door, and tell him I want to see him. I have a +few more memoirs for his book." + +With these words Bonaparte adjourned the meeting. Sieyes went home +and drew up the Constitution, and M. Ducos retired to private life +for rest. The Constitution of Sieyes was a clever instrument, but +Bonaparte rendered it unavailing. It provided for three consuls, but +one of them was practically given all the power, and the others +became merely his clerks. + +"This is as it should be," said Bonaparte, when by 4,000,000 votes +the Constitution was ratified by the people. "These three-headed +governments are apt to be failures, particularly when two of the +heads are worthless. Cambaceres makes a first-rate bottle-holder, +and Lebrun is a competent stenographer, but as for directing France +in the line of her destiny they are of no use. I will now move into +the Tuileries. I hate pomp, as I have often said, but Paris must be +dazzled. We can't rent the palace for a hotel, and it's a pity to +let so much space go to waste. Josephine, pack up your trunk, and +tell Bourrienne to have a truckman here at eleven sharp. To-morrow +night we will dine at the Tuileries, and for Heaven's sake see to it +that the bottles are cold and the birds are hot. For the sake of the +Republic also, that we may not appear too ostentatious in our living, +you may serve cream with the demi-tasse." + +Once established in the Tuileries, Bonaparte became in reality the +king, and his family who had for a long time gone a-begging began to +assume airs of importance, which were impressive. His sisters began +to be invited out, and were referred to by the society papers as most +eligible young persons. Their manner, however, was somewhat in +advance of their position. Had their brother been actually king and +themselves of royal birth they could not have conducted themselves +more haughtily. This was never so fully demonstrated as when, at a +ball given in their honor at Marseilles, an old friend of the family +who had been outrageously snubbed by Caroline, asked her why she wore +her nose turned up so high. + +"Because my brother is reigning in Paris," she retorted. + +In this she but voiced the popular sentiment, and the remark was +received with applause; and later, Murat, who had distinguished +himself as a military man, desirous of allying himself with the +rising house, demanded her hand in marriage. + +"You?" cried the First Consul. "Why, Murat, your father kept an +inn." + +"I know it," said Murat. "But what of that?" + +"My blood must not be mixed with yours, that's what," said Bonaparte. + +"Very well, Mr. Bonaparte," said Murat, angrily, "let it be so; but I +tell you one thing: When you see the bills Caroline is running up +you'll find it would have been money in your pocket to transfer her +to me. As for the inn business, my governor never served such +atrocious meals at his table-d'hote as you serve to your guests at +state banquets, and don't you forget it." + +Whether these arguments overcame Bonaparte's scruples or not is not +known, but a few days later he relented, and Caroline became the wife +of Murat. + +"I never regretted it," said Bonaparte, some years later. "Murat was +a good brother-in-law to me, and he taught me an invaluable lesson in +the giving of state banquets, which was that one portion is always +enough for three. And as for parting with my dear sister, that did +not disturb me very much; for, truly, Talleyrand, Caroline was the +only woman I never loved." + + + +CHAPTER VIII: THE ALPS--THE EMPIRE--THE CORONATION +1800-1804 + + + +"Observe," said Bonaparte, now that he was seated on the consular +throne, "that one of my biographers states that, under a man of +ordinary vigor this new Constitution of Sieyes and another our +government would be free and popular, but that under myself it has +become an unlimited monarchy. That man is right. I am now a +potentate of the most potent kind. I got a letter from the Bourbons +last night requesting me to restore them to the throne. Two years +ago they wouldn't have given me their autographs for my collection, +but now they want me to get up from my seat in this car of state and +let them sit down." + +"And you replied--?" asked Josephine. + +"That I didn't care for Bourbon--rye suits me better," laughed the +Consul, "unless I can get Scotch, which I prefer at all times. +Feeling this way, I cannot permit Louis to come back yet awhile. +Meantime, in the hope of replenishing our cellars with a few bottles +of Glenlivet, I will write a letter of pacification to George III., +one of the most gorgeous rex in Madame Tussaud's collection of living +potentates." + +This Bonaparte did, asking the English king if he hadn't had enough +war for the present. George, through the eyes of his ministers, +perceived Bonaparte's point, and replied that he was very desirous +for peace himself, but that at present the market seemed to be +cornered, and that therefore the war must go on. This reply amused +Napoleon. + +"It suits me to the ground," he said, addressing Talleyrand. "A year +of peace would interfere materially with my future. If Paris were +Philadelphia, it would be another thing. There one may rest--there +is no popular demand for excitement--Penn was mightier than the +sword--but here one has to be in a broil constantly; to be a chef one +must be eternally cooking, and the results must be of the kind that +requires extra editions of the evening papers. The day the newsboys +stop shouting my name, my sun will set for the last time. Even now +the populace are murmuring, for nothing startling has occurred this +week, which reminds me, I wish to see Fouche. Send him here." + +Talleyrand sent for the Minister of Police, who responded to the +summons. + +"Fouche," said Bonaparte, sternly, "what are we here for, salary or +glory?" + +"Glory, General." + +"Precisely. Now, as head of the Police Department, are you aware +that no attempt to assassinate me has been made for two weeks?" + +"Yes, General, but--" + +"Has the assassin appropriation run out? Have the assassins struck +for higher wages, or are you simply careless?" demanded the First +Consul. "I warn you, sir, that I wish no excuses, and I will add +that unless an attempt is made on my life before ten o'clock to- +night, you lose your place. The French people must be kept +interested in this performance, and how the deuce it is to be done +without advertising I don't know. Go, and remember that I shall be +at home to assassins on Thursdays of alternate weeks until further +notice." + +"Your Consulship's wishes shall be respected," said Fouche, with a +low bow. "But I must say one word in my own behalf. You were to +have had a dynamite bomb thrown at you yesterday by one of my +employes, but the brave fellow who was to have stood between you and +death disappointed me. He failed to turn up at the appointed hour, +and so, of course, the assault didn't come off." + +"Couldn't you find a substitute?" demanded Bonaparte. + +"I could not," said Fouche. "There aren't many persons in Paris who +care for that kind of employment. They'd rather shovel snow." + +"You are a gay stage-manager, you are!" snapped Bonaparte. "My +brother Joseph is in town, and yet you say you couldn't find a man to +be hit by a bomb. Leave me, Fouche. You give me the ennuis." + +Fouche departed with Talleyrand, to whom he expressed his indignation +at the First Consul's reprimand. + +"He insists upon an attempted assassination every week," he said; +"and I tell you, Talleyrand, it isn't easy to get these things up. +The market is long on real assassins, fellows who'd kill him for the +mere fun of hearing his last words, but when it comes to playing to +the galleries with a mock attempt with real consequences to the +would-be murderers, they fight shy of it." + +Nevertheless, Fouche learned from the interview with Bonaparte that +the First Consul was not to be trifled with, and hardly a day passed +without some exciting episode in this line, in which, of course, +Napoleon always came out unscathed and much endeared to the populace. +This, however, could not go on forever. The fickle French soon +wearied of the series of unsuccessful attempts on the Consul's life, +and some began to suspect the true state of affairs. + +"They're on to our scheme, General," said Fouche, after a while. +"You've got to do something new." + +"What would you suggest?" asked Napoleon, wearily. + +"Can't you write a book of poems, or a three-volume novel?" suggested +Talleyrand. + +"Or resign, and let Sieyes run things for a while?" said Fouche. "If +they had another Consul for a few months, they'd appreciate what a +vaudeville show they lost in you." + +"I'd rather cross the Alps," said Bonaparte. "I don't like to +resign. Moving is such a nuisance, and I must say I find the +Tuileries a very pleasant place of abode. It's more fun than you can +imagine rummaging through the late king's old bureau-drawers. +Suppose I get up a new army and lead it over the Alps." + +"Just the thing," said Talleyrand. "Only it will be a very snowy +trip." + +"I'm used to snow-balls," said Napoleon, his mind reverting to the +episode which brought his career at Brienne to a close. "Just order +an army and a mule and I'll set out. Meanwhile, Fouche, see that the +Bourbons have a conspiracy to be unearthed in time for the Sunday +newspapers every week during my absence. I think it would be well, +too, to keep a war-correspondent at work in your office night and +day, writing despatches about my progress. Give him a good book on +Hannibal's trip to study, and let him fill in a column or two every +day with anecdotes about myself, and at convenient intervals +unsuccessful attempts to assassinate Josephine may come in handy. +Let it be rumored often that I have been overwhelmed by an avalanche- +-in short, keep the interest up." + +So it was that Bonaparte set out upon his perilous expedition over +the Great St. Bernard. On the 15th day of May, 1800, the task of +starting the army in motion was begun, and on the 18th every column +was in full swing. Lannes, with an advance guard armed with snow- +shovels, took the lead, and Bonaparte, commanding the rear guard of +35,000 men and the artillery, followed. + +"Soldiers!" he cried, as they came near to the snow-bound heights, +"we cannot have our plum-cake without its frosting. Like children, +we will have the frosting first and the cake later. Lannes and his +followers have not cleaned the snow off as thoroughly as I had hoped, +but I fancy he has done the best he can, and it is not for us to +complain. Let us on. The up-trip will be cold and tedious, but once +on the summit of yonder icy ridge we can seat ourselves comfortably +on our guns and slide down into the lovely valleys on the other side +like a band of merry school-boys on toboggans. Above all, do not +forget the chief duty of a soldier in times of peril. In spite of +the snow and the ice, in spite of the blizzard and the sleet, keep +cool; and, furthermore, remember that in this climate, if your ears +don't hurt, it's a sign they are freezing. En avant! Nous sommes le +peuple." + +The army readily responded to such hopeful words, and as Bonaparte +manifested quite as much willingness to walk as the meanest soldier, +disdaining to ride, except occasionally, and even then on the back of +a mule, he became their idol. + +"He does not spare himself any more than he does us," said one of his +soldiers, "and he can pack a snow-ball with the best of us." + +The General catered, too, to the amusement of his troops, and the +brasses of the band broke the icy stillness of the great hills +continually. + +"Music's the thing," he cried, many years later, "and when we got to +the top we had the most original roof-garden you ever saw. It was +most inspiring, and the only thing that worried me at all was as to +how Fouche was conducting our anecdote and assassination enterprise +at home. Once on top of the Alps, the descent was easy. We simply +lay down on our arms and slid. Down the mountain-side we thundered, +and the Austrians, when they observed our impetus, gave way before +us, and the first thing I knew I skated slam-bang into the Empire. +Our avalanchian descent subjugated Italy; frightened the Englishmen +to Alexandria, where, in the absence of a well-organized force, they +managed to triumph; scared the Pope so thoroughly that he was willing +to sign anything I wished; and, best of all, after a few petty +delays, convinced the French people that I was too big a man for a +mere consulship. It was my chamois-like agility in getting down the +Alps that really made me Emperor. As for the army, it fought nobly. +It was so thoroughly chilled by the Alpine venture that it fought +desperately to get warm. My grenadiers, congealed to their very +souls, went where the fire was hottest. They seized bomb-shells +while they were yet in the air, warmed their hands upon them, and +then threw them back into the enemy's camp, where they exploded with +great carnage. They did not even know when they were killed, so +benumbed by the cold had they become. In short, those days on the +Alps made us invincible. No wonder, then, that in 1804, when I got +permanently back to Paris, I found the people ready for an emperor! +They were bloody years, those from 1800 to 1804, but it was not +entirely my fault. I shed very little myself, but the English and +the Austrians and the royalist followers would have it so, and I had +to accommodate them. I did not wish to execute the Duc d'Enghien, +but he would interfere with Fouche by getting up conspiracies on his +own account, when I had given the conspiracy contract to one of my +own ministers. The poor fellow had to die. It was a case of no die, +no Empire, and I thought it best for the French people that they +should have an Empire." + +Those who criticise Bonaparte's acts in these years should consider +these words, and remember that the great warrior in no case did any +of the killing himself. + +It was on the 18th of May, 1804, that the Empire was proclaimed and +Napoleon assumed his new title amid great rejoicing. + +"Now for the coronation," he said. "This thing must go off in style, +Fouche. Whom shall I have to crown me?" + +"Well," said Fouche, "if you are after a sensation, I'd send for +Louis de Bourbon; if you want it to go off easily, I'd send for your +old hatter in the Rue de Victoire; if you want to give it a +ceremonial touch, I'd send for the Pope, but, on the whole, I rather +think I'd do it myself. You picked it up yourself, why not put it on +your own head?" + +"Good idea," returned Bonaparte. "And highly original. You may +increase your salary a hundred francs a week, Fouche. I'll crown +myself, but I think it ought to come as a surprise, don't you?" + +"Yes," said Fouche. "That is, if you can surprise the French people- +-which I doubt. If you walked into Notre Dame to-morrow on your +hands, with the crown of France on one foot and the diadem of Italy +on the other, the people wouldn't be a bit surprised--you're always +doing such things." + +"Nevertheless," said Napoleon, "we'll surprise them. Send word to +the Pope that I want to see him officially on December 2d at Notre +Dame. If he hesitates about coming, tell him I'll walk over and +bring him myself the first clear day we have." + +This plan was followed out to the letter, and the Pope, leaving Rome +on the 5th of November, entered Paris to crown the Emperor and +Empress of the French on December 2, 1804, as requested. What +subsequently followed the world knows. Just as the Pope was about to +place the imperial diadem on the brow of Bonaparte, the Emperor +seized it and with his own hands placed it there. + +"Excuse me, your Holiness," he said, as he did so, "but the joke is +on you. This is my crown, and I think I'm a big enough man to hang +it up where it belongs." + +Pius VII. was much chagrined, but, like the good man that he was, he +did not show it, nor did he resent the Emperor's second interference +when it came to the crowning of Josephine. The coronation over, +Napoleon and Josephine turned to the splendid audience, and marched +down the centre aisle to the door, where they entered a superb golden +carriage in which, amid the plaudits of the people, they drove to the +Tuileries. + +"Ah--at last!" said Bonaparte, as he entered the Palace. "I have got +there. The thing to do now is to stay there. Ah, me!" he added, +with a sigh. "These French--these French! they are as fickle as the +only woman I have ever loved. By-the-way, Josephine, what was it you +asked me on the way down the aisle? The people howled so I couldn't +hear you." + +"I only asked you if"--here the Empress hesitated. + +"Well? If what?" frowned the Emperor. + +"If my crown was on straight," returned Josephine. + +"Madame," said the Emperor, sternly, "when you are prompted to ask +that question again, remember who gave you that crown, and when you +remember that it was I, remember also that when I give anything to +anybody I give it to them straight." + +Here the Emperor's frown relaxed, and he burst out into laughter. + +"But that was a bad break of the organist!" he said. + +"Which was that?" asked Josephine. + +"Why--didn't you notice when the Pope came in he played 'Tiara Boom- +de-ay'?" said Bonaparte, with a roar. "It was awful--I shall have to +send him a pourboire." + + + +CHAPTER IX: THE RISE OF THE EMPIRE +1805-1810 + + + +"What next?" asked Fouche, the morning after the coronation, as he +entered the Emperor's cabinet. + +"Breakfast," returned Bonaparte, laconically; "what did you suppose? +You didn't think I was going swimming in the Seine, did you?" + +"I never think," retorted Fouche. + +"That's evident," said Napoleon. "Is the arch-treasurer of my empire +up yet? The Empress is going shopping, and wants an appropriation." + +"He is, Your Majesty," said Fouche, looking at his memorandum-book. +"He rose at 7:30, dressed as usual, parted his hair on the left-hand +side, and breakfasted at eight. At 8:15 he read the Moniteur, and +sneezed twice while perusing the second column of the fourth page--" + +"What is the meaning of these petty details?" cried the Emperor, +impatiently. + +"I merely wished to show Your Majesty that as the Sherlock Holmes of +this administration I am doing my duty. There isn't a man in France +who is not being shadowed in your behalf," returned the minister of +police. + +The Emperor looked out of the window; then, turning to Fouche, he +said, the stern, impatient look fading into softness, "Pardon my +irritability, Fouche. You are a genius, and I appreciate you, though +I may not always show it. I didn't sleep well last night, and in +consequence I am not unduly amiable this morning." + +"Your Majesty is not ill, I trust?" said Fouche, with a show of +anxiety. + +"No," replied the Emperor. "The fact is, old man, I--ah--I forgot to +take the crown off when I went to bed." + +Thus began that wonderful reign which forms so many dazzling pages in +modern history. Bonaparte's first act after providing lucrative +positions for his family was to write another letter, couched in +language of a most fraternal nature, to the King of England, asking +for peace. + +"Dear Cousin George," he wrote, "you have probably read in the +newspapers by this time that I'm working under a new alias, and I +hope you will like it as well as I do. It's great fun, but there is +one feature of it all that I don't like. I hate to be fighting with +my new cousins all the time, and particularly with you whom I have +always loved deeply, though secretly. Now, my dear George, let me +ask you what's the use of a prolonged fight? You've waxed fat in ten +years, and so have I. We've painted the earth red between us. Why +can't we be satisfied? Why should our relations continue to be +strained? I've got some personal relations I'd like to have +strained, but I can attend to them myself. Let US have peace. I +don't want too big a piece. Give me enough, and you can have the +rest. Let us restore the entente cordiale and go about our business +without any further scrapping. 'Let dogs delight to bark and bite,' +as your illustrious poet hath it, 'for 'tis their nature to.' As for +us, the earth is large enough for both. You take the Western +Hemisphere and I'll keep this. Russia and the others can have what +remains. + +Yours truly, +NAPOLEON, +Emperor of the French. + +"P.S.--I enclose a stamped and directed envelope for a reply, and if +I don't get it inside of two weeks I'll come over and smoke you out." + + +To this peace-seeking communication England, through her ministers, +replied to the effect that she wanted peace as much as France did, +but that she could not enter into it without the consent of Russia. + +"That settles it," said Napoleon. "It's to be war. I'm willing to +divide creation with England, but two's company and three's a crowd, +and the Russian Bear must keep his paws off. I will go to Italy, +Bourrienne, collect a few more thrones, and then we'll get to work on +a new map of Europe. Russia never did look well or graceful on the +existing maps. It makes the continent look lop-sided, and Germany +and Austria need trimming down a bit. I propose to shove Russia over +into Asia, annex Germany and Austria to France, drop Turkey into the +Bosporus, and tow England farther north and hitch her on to the north +pole. Wire the Italians to get out their iron crown and dust it off. +I'll take a run down to Milan, in May, and give my coronation +performance there. Such a good show as that of December 2nd ought to +be taken on the road." + +The latter part of this plan was fulfilled to the letter, and on the +20th of May, 1805, Bonaparte and Josephine were crowned King and +Queen of Italy at Milan. + +"Now, my dear," said Bonaparte, after the ceremony, "hereafter we +must drop the first person singular I and assume the dignity of the +editorial WE. Emperors and editors alike are entitled to the +distinction. It's a sign of plurality which is often quite as +effective as a majority. Furthermore, you and We can do it +logically, for we are several persons all at once, what with the +assortment of thrones that we have acquired in the second-hand shops +of the earth, all of which must be sat on." + +Crowned King of Italy, leaving Eugene de Beauharnais as Viceroy at +Milan, Napoleon returned to Paris. + +"Now that We have replenished our stock of crowns," he said to his +generals, "We will make a tour of Germany. We've always had a great +desire to visit Berlin, and now's our imperial chance. Tell the +arch-treasurer to telephone Frederick to reserve his best palace for +our occupancy." + +Then began a series of war-clouds which kept the European +correspondents of the American Sunday newspapers in a state of +anxious turmoil for years. In our own time a single war-cloud is +enough to drive a capable correspondent to the verge of desperation, +but when we consider that Bonaparte was letting loose the clouds of +war in all sections of Europe simultaneously, it is easy to +understand how it has come about that we of to-day, who study history +in the daily press, have the most vague ideas as to the motives of +the quarrelling potentates at the beginning of this century. + +For instance, after starting for Berlin, Bonaparte makes a diversion +at Ulm, and ends for the moment by capturing Vienna and taking up his +abode in the castle of Schonbrunn, the home of the Austrian Caesars. +Then the scene of activity is transferred to Cape Trafalgar, where +Nelson routs the French fleet, and Bonaparte is for an instant +discomfited, but above which he rises superior. + +"If We had been there ourself We'd have felt worse about it," he +said. "But We were not, and therefore it is none of our funeral-- +and, after all, what has it accomplished? The hoard of aldermen of +London have named a square in London after the cape, and stuck up a +monument to Nelson in the middle of it, which is the rendezvous of +all the strikers and socialists of England. Some day We'll go over +to Trafalgar Square ourself and put a new face on that statue, and it +will bear some resemblance to us, unless We are mistaken. When We +get back to Paris, likewise, We will issue an imperial decree +ordering a new navy for these capable admirals of ours more suited to +their abilities, and M. Villeneuve shall have his choice between a +camel and a gravy-boat for his flag-ship." + +Nevertheless, the Emperor realized that his prestige had received a +blow which it was necessary to retrieve. + +"Paris doesn't like it," wrote Fouche, "and the general sentiment +seems to be that your show isn't what it used to be. You need a +victory just about now, and if you could manage to lose a leg on the +field of battle it would strengthen your standing with your +subjects." + +"Good Fouche," murmured the Emperor to himself as he read the +despatch. "You are indeed watchful of our interests. It shall be +done as you suggest, even if it costs a leg. We will engage the +Russians at Austerlitz." + +On the 2d of December this battle of the Emperors was fought, and +resulted in a most glorious victory for the French arms. + +"We scored seven touch-downs in the first five minutes, and at the +end of the first half were ten goals to the good," said Bonaparte, +writing home to Josephine, "and all without my touching the ball. +The Emperor of Germany and the excessively smart Alexander of Russia +sat on dead-head hill and watched the game with interest, but in +spite of my repeated efforts to get them to do so, were utterly +unwilling to cover my bets on the final result. The second half +opened brilliantly. Murat made a flying wedge with our centre-rush, +threw himself impetuously upon Kutusoff, the Russian half-back, +pushed the enemy back beyond the goal posts, and the game was +practically over. The emperors on dead-head hill gave it up then and +there, and the championship of 1805 is ours. We understand England +disputes this, but we are willing to play them on neutral ground at +any time. They can beat us in aquatic sports, but given a good, +hard, real-estate field, we can do them up whether Wellington plays +or not." + +"It was a glorious victory," wrote Fouche to the Emperor, "and it has +had a great effect on Paris. You are called the Hinkey of your time, +but I still think you erred in not losing that leg. Can't you work +in another coronation somewhere? You haven't acquired a new throne +in over six months, and the people are beginning to murmur." + +Bonaparte's reply was immediate. + +"Am too busy to go throne-hunting. Send my brother Joseph down to +Naples as my agent. There's a crown there. Let him put it on, and +tell Paris that he is my proxy. Joseph may not want to go because of +the cholera scare, but tell him We wish it, and if he still demurs +whisper the word 'Alp' in his ear. He'll go when he hears that word, +particularly if you say it in that short, sharp, and decisive manner +to which it so readily lends itself." + +These instructions were carried out, and Paris was for the time being +satisfied; but to clinch matters, as it were, the Emperor went still +further, and married Eugene de Beauharnais to the daughter of the +King of Bavaria, conferred a few choice principalities upon his +sister Eliza, and, sending for Prince Borghese, one of the most +aristocratic gentlemen of Italy, gave him in marriage to his sister +Pauline. + +"We're getting into good society by degrees," wrote the Emperor to +the Empress, "and now that you are the mother-in-law of a real +prince, kindly see that your manner is imperious to the extreme +degree, and stop serving pie at state banquets." + +The succeeding two years were but repetitions of the first year of +the Empire. Bonaparte proceeded from one victory to another. +Prussia was humbled. The French Emperor occupied Berlin, and, as he +had done in Italy, levied upon the art treasures of that city for the +enrichment of Paris. + +"We'll have quite a Salon if we go on," said Bonaparte. + +"Anybody'd think you were getting up a corner in oil," said +Frederick, ruefully, as he watched the packers at work boxing his +most treasured paintings for shipment. + +"We am getting up a corner in all things," retorted Bonaparte. +"Paris will soon be the Boston of Europe--it will be the Hub of the +Universe." + +"You might leave me something," said the Prussian king. "I haven't +an old master left." + +"Well, never mind," said Napoleon, soothingly. "We'll be a young +master to you. Now go to bed, like a good fellow, and take a good +rest. There's a delegation of Poles waiting for me outside. They +think We am going to erect a telegraph system to Russia, and they +want employment." + +"As operators?" asked Frederick, sadly. + +"No, stupid," returned Napoleon, "as Poles." + +The Prussian left the room in tears. To his great regret policy +compelled Bonaparte to decline the petition of the Polanders to be +allowed to rehabilitate themselves as a nation. As we have seen, he +was a man of peace, and many miles away from home at that, and hence +had no desire to further exasperate Russia by meddling in an affair +so close to the Czar's heart. This diplomatic foresight resulted in +the Peace of Tilsit. The Czar, appreciating Bonaparte's delicacy in +the matter of Poland, was quite won over, and consented to an +interview by means of which a basis might be reached upon which all +might rest from warfare. Tilsit was chosen as the place of meeting, +and fearing lest they might be interrupted by reporters, the two +emperors decided to hold their conference upon a raft anchored in the +middle of the river Niemen. It must be remembered that tugs had not +been invented at this time, so that the raft was comparatively safe +from those "Boswells of the news," as reporters have been called. +Fouche was very anxious about this decision however. + +"Look out for yourself, my dear Emperor," he wrote. "Wear a cork +suit, or insist that the raft shall be plentifully supplied with +life-preservers. Those Eastern emperors would like nothing better +than to have you founder in the Niemen." + +"We are not afraid," Napoleon replied. "If the craft sinks We shall +swim ashore on Alexander's back." Nevertheless, all other historians +to the contrary, Bonaparte did wear a cork suit beneath his uniform. +We have this on the authority of the nephew of the valet of the late +Napoleon III., who had access to the private papers of this wonderful +family. + +Nothing disastrous occurred upon this occasion in spite of the +temptation thrown in Alexander's way to sink the raft and thus rid +the world of a dangerous rival to his supremacy. The conference +resulted in a treaty of peace, concluded on the 7th of July, 1807, +and by it a few more thrones were added to the Bonaparte collection. +Jerome, who had been trying to make a living as a music teacher in +America, having been divorced from his American wife and married to +another, was made King of Westphalia. + +"Having made a failure in the West, my dear brother," said Bonaparte, +"what could be more appropriate?" + +Louis was made King of Holland, and Joseph's kingship of Naples was +fully recognized, and, further, Bonaparte was enabled to return to +Paris and show himself to the citizens of that fickle city, who were +getting restive under Josephine's rule. + +"They like Josephine well enough," wrote Fouche, "but the men prefer +to have you here. The fact that things run smoothly under a woman's +rule is giving the female suffragists a great boom, and the men say +that domestic life is being ruined. Cooks are scarce, having +deserted the kitchen for the primaries, and altogether the outlook is +effeminate. Therefore, come back as soon as you can, for if you +don't the first thing we know the women will be voting, and you'll +find you'll have to give up your seat to a lady." + +The Emperor's return to Paris was marked by great rejoicing, +particularly by the large number of hatters and laundresses and +stable-boys whom he had in the meantime paid for their early services +by making them dukes and duchesses. The court was magnificent, and +entirely new. No second-hand nobles were allowed within the sacred +circle, and the result was one of extreme splendor. In a small way, +to maintain the interest which he had inspired, as well as to keep up +the discipline of his army, a few conquests, including those of Spain +and Portugal, were indulged in. Joseph was removed from a +comfortable, warm throne at Naples and made King of Spain, and Murat +was substituted for him at Naples. The Emperor's elder brother did +not like the change, but submitted as gracefully as ever. + +"Naples was extremely comfortable," he said, "but this Madrid +position is not at all to my taste. I prefer macaroni to garlic, and +I cannot endure these Carmencita dances--they remind me too much of +the green-apple season in the old Corsican days. However, what my +brother wills I do, merely from force of habit--not that I fear him +or consider myself bound to obey him, mind you, but because I am +averse to family differences. One must yield, and I have always been +the self-sacrificing member of the family. He's put me here, and I +hope to remain." + +This promotion of Joseph was a misstep for one who desired peace, and +Bonaparte soon found another war with Austria on the tapis because of +it. Emperor Francis Joseph, jealous perhaps of the copyright on his +name, declined to recognize King Joseph of Spain. Whereupon +Bonaparte again set out for Austria, where, on the 6th of July, 1809, +Austria having recognized the strength of Bonaparte's arguments, +backed up, as they were, by an overwhelming force of men, each worthy +of a marshal's baton, and all confident, under the new regime, of +some day securing it, an armistice was agreed upon, and on the 14th +of October a treaty satisfactory to France was signed. + +"If I have to come back again, my dear Emperor Joseph," Bonaparte +said, as he set out for Paris, "it will be for the purpose of giving +you a new position, which you may not like so well as the neat and +rather gaudy sinecure you now hold." + +"Which is--?" added the Austrian. + +"I'll bring you a snow-shovel and set you to clearing off the steps." + +"What steps?" queried the Austrian anxiously. + +"The back-steppes of Russia," replied Napoleon, sternly. "The only +thing that keeps me from doing it now is that I--ah--I hate to do +anything unkind to the father of--ah--your daughter Marie-Louise, +whom I met at the dance last night, and who, between you and me, +looks remarkably like the only woman I ever loved." + + + +CHAPTER X: THE FALL OF THE EMPIRE +1810-1814 + + + +Just before the opening of the year 1810, which marked the beginning +of Bonaparte's decay, Fouche demanded an audience. + +"Well, Fouche," said the Emperor, "what now?" + +"This Empire can't go much further, Your Majesty, unless more novelty +is introduced. I've had my men out all through France taking notes, +and there's but one opinion among 'em all. You've got to do +something new or stop the show. If you'd only done what I suggested +at Austerlitz, and lost a leg, it would have been different. The +people don't ask much song-and-dance business from a one-legged man." + +"We compromised with you there," retorted Napoleon. "At Ratisbon our +imperial foot was laid up for a week." + +"Yes--but you didn't lose it," returned Fouche. "Can't you see the +difference? If you'd lost it, and come home without it, there'd have +been evidence of your suffering. As it is, do you know what your +enemies are saying about your foot?" + +"We do not," said the Emperor, sternly. "What do they say?" + +"Well, the Bourbons say you stepped on it running away from the +enemy's guns, and the extreme Republicans say your wound is nothing +but gout and the result of high, undemocratic living. Now, my dear +sir--Sire, I mean--I take a great deal of interest in this Empire. +It pays me my salary, and I've had charge of the calcium lights for +some time, and I don't want our lustre dimmed, but it will be dimmed +unless, as I have already told you a million times, we introduce some +new act on our programme. 1492 didn't succeed on its music, or its +jokes, or its living pictures. It was the introduction of novelties +every week that kept it on the boards for four hundred years." + +"Well--what do you propose?" asked Bonaparte, recognizing the truth +of Fouche's words. + +"I--ah--I think you ought to get married," said Fouche. + +"We am married, you--you--idiot," cried Bonaparte. + +"Well, marry again," said Fouche. "You've been giving other people +away at a great rate for several years--what's the matter with +acquiring a real princess for yourself?" + +"You advise bigamy, do you?" asked Bonaparte, scornfully. + +"Not on your life," returned Fouche, "but a real elegant divorce, +followed by an imperial wedding, would rattle the bones of this blase +old Paris as they haven't been rattled since Robespierre's day." + +Bonaparte reddened, then, rising from the throne and putting his hand +to the side of his mouth, he said, in a low, agitated tone: + +"Close the door, Fouche. Close the door and come here. We want to +whisper something to you." + +The minister did as he was bidden. + +"Fouche, old boy," chuckled the Emperor in the ear of his rascally +aide--"Fouche, you're a mind-reader. We've been thinking of just +that very thing for some time--in fact, ever since We met that old +woman Emperor Francis Joseph. He'd make an elegant mother-in-law." + +"Precisely," said Fouche. "His daughter Marie-Louise, an archduchess +by birth, is the one I had selected for you. History will no doubt +say that I oppose this match, and publicly perhaps I may seem to do +so, but you will understand, my dear Sire, that this opposition will +serve, as it is designed to serve, as an advertisement of our +enterprise, and without advertising we might as well put up the +shutters. Shall we--ah--announce the attraction to the public?" + +"Not yet," said Napoleon. "We must get rid of our leading lady +before we bring on the understudy." + +It is a sad chapter in the history of this eminent man wherein is +told the heart-breaking story of his sacrifice--the giving up through +sheer love of his country of the only woman he had ever loved, and we +should prefer to pass it over in silence. We allude to it here +merely to show that it was brought about by the exigencies of his +office, and that it was nothing short of heroic self-abnegation which +led this faithful lover of his adopted native land to put the +beautiful Josephine away from him. He had builded an Empire for an +opera bouffe people, and he was resolved to maintain it at any cost. + +In March, 1810, Bonaparte, having in his anxiety to spare the +feelings of the divorced Josephine, wooed Marie-Louise by proxy in +the person of Marshal Berthier, met his new fiancee at Soissons. + +"It is three months since we lost our beloved Josephine," he said to +Fouche, with tears in his voice, "but the wound is beginning to heal. +We fear we shall never love again, but for the sake of the Empire we +will now begin to take notice once more. We will meet our bride- +elect at Soissons, and escort her to Paris ourself." + +This was done, and on the 2nd of April, 1810, Marie-Louise became +Empress of France. Josephine, meanwhile, had retired to Malmaison +with alimony of 3,000,000 francs. + +Fouche was delighted; Paris was provided with conversation enough for +a year in any event, and Bonaparte found it possible to relax a +little in his efforts to inspire interest. His main anxiety in the +ensuing year was as to his family affairs. His brothers did not turn +out so highly successful as professional kings as he had hoped, and +it became necessary to depose Louis the King of Holland and place him +under arrest. Joseph, too, desired to resign the Spanish throne, +which he had found to be far from comfortable, and there was much +else to restore Bonaparte's early proneness to irritability; nor was +his lot rendered any more happy by Marie-Louise's expressed +determination not to go to tea with Josephine at Malmaison on Sunday +nights, as the Emperor wished her to do. + +"You may go if you please," said she, "but I shall not. Family +reunions are never agreeable, and the circumstances of this are so +peculiar that even if they had redeeming features this one would be +impossible." + +"We call that rebellion--don't you?" asked Bonaparte of Fouche. + +"No," said Fouche. "She's right, and it's for your good. If she and +Josephine got chumming and compared notes, I'm rather of the opinion +that there'd be another divorce." + +Fouche's reply so enraged the Emperor that he dismissed him from his +post, and the Empire began to fall. + +"I leave you at your zenith, Sire," said Fouche. "You send me to +Rome as governor in the hope that I will get the Roman fever and die. +I know it well; but let me tell you that the reaction is nearly due, +and with the loss of your stage manager the farce begins to pall. +Farewell. If you can hook yourself on to your zenith and stay there, +do so, but that you will I don't think." + +It was as Fouche said. Perplexities now arose which bade fair to +overwhelm the Emperor. For a moment they cleared away when the +infant son of Marie-Louise and Bonaparte was born, but they broke out +with increasing embarrassment immediately after. + +"What has your son-in-law named his boy, Francis Joseph?" asked +Alexander of Russia. + +"King of Rome," returned the Austrian. + +"What!" cried Alexander, "and not after you--or me? The coxcomb! I +will make war upon him." + +This anecdote is here given to the world for the first time. It is +generally supposed that the rupture of friendly relations between +Alexander and Bonaparte grew out of other causes, but the truth is as +indicated in this story. Had Fouche been at hand, Bonaparte would +never have made the mistake, but it was made, and war was declared. + +After a succession of hard-fought battles the invading army of the +Emperor entered Moscow, but Napoleon's spirit was broken. + +"These Russian names are giving us paresis!" he cried. "How I ever +got here I don't know, and I find myself unprovided with a return +ticket. The names of the Russian generals, to say nothing of those +of their rivers and cities, make my head ache, and have ruined my +teeth. I fear, Davoust, that I have had my day. It was easy to call +on the Pollylukes to surrender in Africa; it never unduly taxed my +powers of enunciation to speak the honeyed names of Italy; the +Austrian tongue never bothered me; but when I try to inspire my +soldiers with remarks like, 'On to Smolensko!' or 'Down with +Rostopchin!' and 'Shall we be discouraged because Tchigagoff, and +Kutusoff, and Carrymeoffski, of the Upperjnavyk Cgold Sdream Gards, +oppose us?' I want to lie down and die. What is the sense of these +barbed-wire names, anyhow? Why, when I was told that Barclay de +Tolly had abandoned Vitepsk, and was marching on Smolensko with a +fair chance of uniting with Tormagoff and Wittgenstein, I was so +mixed that I couldn't tell whether Vitepsk was a brigadier-general or +a Russian summer-resort. Nevertheless, we have arrived, and I think +we can pass a comfortable winter in Moscow. Is Moscow a cold place, +do you know?" + +Marshal Ney looked out of the window. + +"No, Your Majesty," he said; "I judge from appearances that it's the +hottest place in creation, just now. Look!" + +Bonaparte's heart sank within him. He looked and saw the city in +flames. + +"Well," he cried, "why don't you do something? What kind of +theatrical soldiers are you? Ring up the fire department! Ah, +Fouche, Fouche, if you were only here now! You could at least arrest +the flames." + +It was too late. Nothing could be done, and the conquering hero of +nearly twenty years now experienced the bitterness of defeat. +Rushing through the blazing town, he ordered a retreat, and was soon +sadly wending his way back to Paris. + +"We are afraid," he murmured, "that that Moscow fire has cooked our +imperial goose." + +Then, finding the progress of the army too slow, and anxious to hear +the news of Paris, Napoleon left his troops under the command of Ney +and pushed rapidly on, travelling incognito, not being desirous of +accepting such receptions and fetes in his honor as the enemy had in +store for him. + +"I do not like to leave my army in such sore straits," he said, "but +I must. I am needed at the Tuileries. The King of Rome has fallen +in love with his nurse, and I understand also that there is a +conspiracy to steal the throne and sell it. This must not be. +Reassure the army of my love. Tell them that they are, as was the +army of Egypt, my children, and that they may play out in the snow a +little while longer, but must come in before they catch cold." + +With these words he was off. Paris, as usual, received him with open +arms. Things had been dull during his absence, and his return meant +excitement. The total loss of the French in this campaign was +450,000 men, nearly a thousand cannon, and seventy-five eagles and +standards. + +"It's a heavy loss," said the Emperor, "but it took a snow-storm to +do it. I'd rather fight bears than blizzards; but the French must +not be discouraged. Let them join the army. The Russians have +captured three thousand and forty-eight officers whose places must be +filled. If that isn't encouragement to join the army I expect to +raise next spring I don't know what is. As for the eagles--you can +get gold eagles in America for ten dollars apiece, so why repine! On +with the dance, let joy be unconfined!" + +It was too late, however. The Empire had palled. Bonaparte could +have started a comic paper and still have failed to rouse Paris from +its lethargy, and Paris is the heart of France. Storms gathered, +war-clouds multiplied, the nations of the earth united against him, +the King of Rome began cutting his teeth and destroyed the Emperor's +rest. The foot-ball of fate that chance had kicked so high came down +to earth with a sickening thud, and Mr. Bonaparte of Corsica yielded +to the inevitable. + +"Fouche," he said, sending for the exiled minister in his extremity, +"when I lost you I lost my leading man--the star of my enterprise. +During your absence the prompter's box has been empty, and I don't +know what to do. The world is against me--even France. I see but +one thing left. Do you think I could restore confidence by divorcing +Marie-Louise and remarrying Josephine? It strikes me that an annual +shaking-up of that nature would sort of liven matters up. + +"No!" said Fouche, "it won't do. They've had one divorce. You +mustn't repeat yourself now. You forget the thing I've always tried +to impress upon you. Be New; not parvenu or ingenue, but plain up +and down New is what you need to be. It would have been just the +same if you'd thrashed Russia. They'd have forced you to go on and +conquer China; then they'd have demanded a war with Japan, after +which they'd have dethroned you if you didn't annex the Sandwich +Islands to the United States, and then bag the whole thing for +France. This is what you get for wanting to rule the French people. +You can't keep quiet--you've got to have a move on you constantly or +they won't have you. Furthermore, you mustn't make 'em laugh except +at the other man. You've had luck in that respect, but there's no +telling how long it will continue now that you have a son. He's +beginning to say funny things, and they're generally at your expense, +and one or two people hereabouts have snickered at you already." + +"What do you mean?" said Napoleon, with a frown. "What has the boy +said about me?" + +"He told the Minister of Finance the other night that now that you +were the father of a real Emperor's grandson, you had a valid claim +to respectability, and he'd bite the head off the first person who +said you hadn't," said Fouche. + +"Well--that certainly was standing up for his daddy," said the +Emperor, fondly. + +"Ye-e-es," said Fouche, "but it's one of those double back-action +remarks that do more harm than good." + +"Well," said Bonaparte, desperately, "let the boy say what he +pleases; he's my son, and he has that right. The thing for us to +decide is, what shall we do now?" + +"There are three things left," said Fouche. + +"And they?" asked the Emperor. + +"Write Trilby, abdicate, or commit suicide. The first is beyond you. +You know enough about Paris, but your style is against you. As for +the second, abdication--if you abdicate you may come back, and the +trouble will begin all over again. If you commit suicide, you won't +have any more rows. The French will be startled, and say that it's a +splendid climax, and you will have the satisfaction of knowing that +some other man will try to please them with the same result." + +"It shall be abdication," said the Emperor, with a sigh. "I don't +mind suicide, but, hang it, Fouche, if I killed myself I could not +read what the papers said about it. As for writing Trilby, it would +do more for royalty than for me. Therefore I will go to +Fontainebleau and abdicate. I will go into exile at Elba. Exiles +are most interesting people, and it may be that I'll have another +chance." + +This course was taken, and on the 20th of April, 1814, Bonaparte +abdicated. His speech to his faithful guard was one of the most +affecting farewells in history, and had much to do with the encore +which Napoleon received less than a year after. Escorted by four +commissioners, one from each of the great allied powers, Austria, +Russia, England, and Prussia, and attended by a few attached friends +and servants, Bonaparte set out from Paris. The party occupied +fourteen carriages, Bonaparte in the first; and as they left the +capital the ex-Emperor, leaning out of the window, looked back at the +train of conveyances and sighed. + +"What, Sire? You sigh?" cried Bertrand. + +"Yes, Bertrand, yes. Not for my departed glory, but because I am a +living Frenchman, and not a dead Irishman." + +"And why so, Sire?" asked Bertrand. + +"Because, my friend, of the carriages. There are fourteen in this +funeral. Think, Bertrand," he moaned, in a tone rendered doubly +impressive by the fact that it reminded one of Henry Irving in one of +his most mannered moments. "Think how I should have enjoyed this +moment had I been a dead Irishman!" + + + +CHAPTER XI: ELBA--THE RETURN--WATERLOO--ST. HELENA +1814-1815 + + + +Bonaparte's spirits rose as the party proceeded. There were +remarkable evidences all along the line of march that his greatness, +while dimmed in one sense, had not diminished in others. A series of +attacks upon him had been arranged, much to the fallen Emperor's +delight. + +"If you want to make a fellow popular, Bertrand," he remarked after +one of them, "kick him when he's down. I'll wager I am having a +better time now than Louis XVIII., and, after all, I regard this +merely as a vacation. I'll have a good rest at Elba while Louis is +pushing the button of government at Paris. After a while I'll come +back and press the buttons and Louis will do the rest. There's some +honey in the old Bees yet." + +At Valence, however, the Emperor had a bitter cup to drain. Meeting +Augereau there, with whom he had fallen out, he addressed him in his +old-time imperial style, asking him what right he had to still live, +and requesting him to stand out of his light. Augereau, taking +advantage of the Emperor's fallen estate, replied in a spirited +manner, calling Napoleon an ex-Emperor and a tin soldier, as well as +applying several other epithets to his dethroned majesty which might +be printed in a French book, but can have no place in this. + +"We shall meet again," retorted Bonaparte, with a threatening +gesture. + +"Not if I see you first," replied Augereau. "If we do, however, it +will be under a new system of etiquette." + +"I'll bet you a crown you'll be singing a new tune inside of a year," +cried the exasperated Bonaparte. + +"I'll go you," said Augereau, snapping his fingers. "Put up your +crown." + +Napoleon felt keenly the stinging satire of this retort. Bowing his +head with a groan, he had to acknowledge that he had no crown, but in +an instant he recovered. + +"But I have a Napoleon left in my clothes!" he cried, with a dry +laugh at his own wit. "I'll bet it against your income for the next +forty centuries, which is giving you large odds, that I shall return, +and when I do, Monsieur Augereau, your name will be Denis." + +The appreciation of those about them of this sally so enraged +Augereau that he was discomfited utterly, and he left Bonaparte's +presence muttering words which are fortunately forgotten. + +Arrived at Cannes, Bonaparte had his choice of vessels upon which to +make his voyage to Elba, one English and one French. "I'll take the +English. I shall not trust my life to a Bourbon ship if I know +myself. I'd rather go to sea in a bowl," said he. + +Hence it was that an English vessel, the Undaunted, had the honor of +transporting the illustrious exile to his island dominion. On the +4th of May he landed, and immediately made a survey of his new +kingdom. + +"It isn't large," he observed, as he made a memorandum of its +dimensions, "but neither is a canvas-back duck. I think we can make +something of it, particularly as the people seem glad to see me." + +This was indeed the truth. The Elbese were delighted to have +Bonaparte in their midst. They realized that excursion steamers +which had hitherto passed them by would now come crowded from main- +top to keel with persons desirous of seeing the illustrious captive. +Hotel rates rose 200 per cent., and on the first Sunday of his stay +on the island the receipts of the Island Museum, as it was now +called, were sufficient to pay its taxes to the French government, +which had been in arrears for some time, ten times over. + +"I feel like an ossified man or a turtle-boy," said the Emperor to +Bertrand, as the curious visitors gaped awe-stricken at the caged +lion. "If I only had a few pictures of myself to sell these people I +could buy up the national debt, foreclose the mortgage, and go back +to France as its absolute master." + +The popularity of Bonaparte as an attraction to outsiders so endeared +him to the hearts of his new subjects that he practically had greater +sway here than he ever had in the palmy days of the Empire. The +citizens made him master of everything, and Bonaparte filled the role +to the full. Provided with guards and servants, he surrounded +himself with all the gaud and glitter of a military despotism, and, +in default of continents to capture, he kept his hand in trim as a +commander by the conquest of such small neighboring islands as nature +had placed within reach, but it could hardly be expected that he +could long remain tranquil. His eyes soon wearied of the +circumscribed limits of Elba. + +"It's all very well to be monarch of all you survey, Bertrand," said +he, mournfully, "but as for me, give me some of the things that can't +be seen. I might as well be that old dried-up fig of a P. T. Olemy +over there in Egypt as Emperor of a vest-pocket Empire like this. +Isn't there any news from France?" + +"Yes," returned Bertrand, "Paris is murmuring again. Louis hasn't +stopped eating yet, and the French think it's time his dinner was +over." + +"Ha!" cried Bonaparte in ecstasy. "I thought so. He's too much of a +revivalist to suit Paris. Furthermore, I'm told he's brought out his +shop-worn aristocracy to dazzle France again. They're all wool and a +yard wide, but you needn't think my handmade nobility is going to +efface itself just because the Montmorencies and the Rohans don't ask +it out to dine. My dukes and duchesses will have something to say, I +fancy, and if my old laundress, the Duchess of Dantzig, doesn't take +the starch out of the old regime I'll be mightily mistaken." + +And this was the exact situation. As Bonaparte said, the old regime +by their hauteur so enraged the new regime that by the new year of +1815 it was seen by all except those in authority that the return of +the exile, Corporal Violet, as he was now called, was inevitable. So +it came about that on the 20th of February, his pockets stuffed with +impromptu addresses to the people and the army, Bonaparte, eluding +those whose duty it was to watch him, set sail, and on the 1st of +March he reached Cannes, whence he immediately marched, gaining +recruits at every step, to Paris. + +At Lyons he began to issue his impromptu addresses, and they were in +his best style. + +"People of France," ran one, "I am refreshed, and have returned to +resume business at the old stand. March 21st will be bargain day, +and I have on hand a select assortment of second-hand goods. One +king, one aristocracy, much worn and slightly dog-eared, and a +monarchy will be disposed of at less than cost. Come early and avoid +the rush. A dukedom will be given away with every purchase. Do not +forget the address--The Tuileries, Paris." + +This was signed "Napoleon, Emperor." Its effect was instantaneous, +and the appointment was faithfully kept, for on the evening of March +20th the Emperor, amid great enthusiasm, entered the Tuileries, where +he was met by all his old friends, including Fouche. + +"Fouche," he said, as he entered the throne-room, "give my card to +Louis the XVIII., and ask him if his luggage is ready. Make out his +bill, and when he has paid it, tell him that I have ordered the 6:10 +train to start at 9:48. He can easily catch it." + +"He has already departed, Sire," returned Fouche. "He had an +imperative engagement in the Netherlands. In his haste he left his +crown hanging on the hat-rack in the hall." + +"Well, send it to him," replied Bonaparte. "I don't want HIS crown. +I want my own. It shall never be said that I robbed a poor fellow +out of work of his hat." + +Settled once more upon his imperial throne, the main question which +had previously agitated the Emperor and his advisers, and +particularly his stage-manager, Fouche, whom he now restored to his +old office, came up once more. "What next?" and it was harder to +answer than ever, for Bonaparte's mind was no longer alert. He was +listless and given to delay, and, worst of all, invariably sleepy. +It was evident that Elba had not proved as restful as had been hoped. + +"You should not have returned," said Fouche, firmly. "America was +the field for you. That's where all great actors go sooner or later, +and they make fortunes. A season in New York would have made you a +new man. As it is you are an old man. It seems to me that if an +Irishman can leave Queenstown with nothing but his brogue and the +clothes on his back and become an alderman of New York or Chicago +inside of two years, you with all the advertising you've had ought to +be able to get into Congress anyhow--you've got money enough for the +Senate." + +"But they are not my children, those Americans," remonstrated +Napoleon, rubbing his eyes sleepily. + +"Well, France isn't the family affair it once was, either," retorted +Fouche, "and you'll find it out before long. However, we've got to +do the best we can. Swear off your old ways and come out as a man of +Peace. Flatter the English, and by all means don't ask your mother- +in-law Francis Joseph to send back the only woman you ever loved. +He's got her in Vienna, and he's going to keep her if he has to put +her in a safe-deposit vault." + +It would have been well for Napoleon had he heeded this advice, but +as he walked about the Tuileries alone, and listened in vain for the +King of Rome's demands for more candy, and failed to see that +interesting infant sliding down the banisters and loading his toy +cannons with his mother's face-powder, he was oppressed by a sense of +loneliness, and could not resist the temptation to send for them. + +"This will be the last chip I'll put on my shoulder, Fouche," he +pleaded. + +"Very well," returned Fouche. "Put it there, but I warn you. This +last chip will break the Empire's back." + +The demand was made upon Austria, and, as Fouche had said, the answer +was a most decided refusal, and the result was war. Again the other +powers allied against Napoleon. The forces of the enemy were placed +under Wellington. Bonaparte led his own in person, buying a new +uniform for the purpose. "We can handle them easily enough," said +he, "if I can only keep awake. My situation at present reminds me so +much of the old Bromide days that I fall asleep without knowing it by +a mere association of ideas. Still, we'll whip 'em out of their +boots." + +"What boots?" demanded Fouche. + +"Their Wellingtons and their Bluchers," retorted the Emperor, thereby +showing that, sleepy as he was, he had not lost his old-time ability +at repartee. + +For once he was over-confident. He fought desperately and +triumphantly for three or four days, but the fates held Waterloo in +store. Routing the enemy at Ligny and Quatre Bras, he pushed on to +where Wellington stood in Belgium, where, on the 18th of June, was +fought the greatest of his battles. + +"Now for the transformation scene," said Bonaparte on the eve of the +battle. "If the weather is good we'll make these foreigners wish +they had worn running-shoes instead of Wellingtons." + +But the weather was not clear. It was excessively wet, and by +nightfall Bonaparte realized that all was over. His troops were in +fine condition, but the rain seemed to have put out the fires of the +Commander's genius. As the Imperial Guard marched before him in +review the Emperor gazed upon them fondly. + +"They're like a picture!" he cried, enthusiastically. "Just see that +line." + +"Yes," returned Ney. "Very like a picture; they remind me in a way +of a comic paper print, but that is more suitable for framing than +for fighting." + +The Emperor making no response, Ney looked up and observed that his +Majesty had fallen asleep. "That settles it," he sighed. "To-day is +the Waterloo of Napoleon Bonaparte. When a man sleeps at a moment +like this his friends would better prepare for a wake." + +And Ney was right. Waterloo was the Waterloo of Napoleon Bonaparte. +The opposing armies met in conflict, and, as the world knows, the +star of the great soldier was obscured forever, and France was +conquered. Ruined in his fortunes, Bonaparte at once returned to +Paris. + +"Is there a steamer for New York to-night, Fouche?" he asked, as, +completely worn out, he threw himself upon his throne and let his +chin hang dejectedly over his collar. + +"No, Sire," returned Fouche, with an ill-concealed chuckle. "There +is not. You've missed your chance by two days. Then isn't another +boat for ten days." + +"Then I am lost," sobbed Napoleon. + +"Yes, Sire, you are," returned Fouche. "Shall I offer a reward to +anybody who will find you and return you in good order?" + +"No," replied the Emperor. "I will give myself up." + +"Wise man!" said Fouche, unsympathetically. "You're such a +confounded riddle that I wonder you didn't do it long ago." + +"Ah, Fouche!" sighed the Emperor, taking his crown out of his +wardrobe and crushing it in his hands until the diamonds fell out +upon the floor, "this shows the futility of making war without +preparing for it by study. When I was a young man I was a student. +I knew the pages of history by heart, and I learned my lessons well. +While I was the student I was invincible. In mimic as in real war I +was the conqueror. Everything I undertook came about as I had willed +because I was the master of facts--I dealt in facts, and I made no +mistakes. To-day I am a conquered man, and all because I have +neglected to continue the study of the history of my people--of my +adopted native land." + +"Humph!" retorted Fouche. "I don't see how that would have helped +matters any. All the history in creation could not have won the +battle of Waterloo for you." + +"Fool that you are!" cried Napoleon, desperately, rising. "Can't you +see? Anybody who knows anything about the history of France knows +that the battle of Waterloo resulted fatally for me. Had I known +that, do you suppose I'd have gone there? Not I! I'd have gone +fishing in the South of France instead, and this would not have +happened. Leave me! I wish to be alone." + +Left to his own reflections Bonaparte paced his room for hours. +Then, tapping his bell, he summoned one of his faithful adherents. + +"Monsieur le B-," he said, as the attendant entered, "you have heard +the news?" + +"Yes, Sire," sobbed Le B-. + +"Do I not carry myself well in the hour of defeat?" + +"You do, Your Majesty." + +"Am I pale, Le B-?" + +"No--no--oh, no, not at all, Sire." + +"Tell me the truth, Le B-. We must not let the enemy find us broken +when they arrive. How do I look? Out with it." + +"Out of sight, Sire!" replied Le B-, bending backward as far as he +could, and gazing directly at the ceiling. + +"Then bring on your invader, and let us hear the worst," ordered +Napoleon, encouraged by Le B-'s assurances. + +A few days later, Bonaparte, having nothing else to do, once more +abdicated, and threw himself upon the generosity of the English +people. + +"I was only fooling, anyhow," he said, with a sad smile. "If you +hadn't sent me to Elba I wouldn't have come back. As for the +fighting, you all said I was outside of the pale of civilization, and +I had to fight. I didn't care much about getting back into the pail, +but I really objected to having it said that I was in the tureen." + +This jest completely won the hearts of the English who were used to +just such humor, who loved it, and who, many years later, showed that +love by the establishment of a comic journal as an asylum for bon- +mots similarly afflicted. The result was, not death, but a new +Empire, the Island of St. Helena. + +"This," said Wellington, "will serve to make his jokes more far- +fetched than ever; so that by sending him there we shall not only be +gracious to a fallen foe, but add to the gayety of our nation." + + + +CHAPTER XII: 1815-1821-1895 + + + +It is with St. Helena that all biographies of Napoleon Bonaparte +hitherto published have ended, and perhaps it is just as well that +these entertaining works, prepared by purely finite minds, should end +there. It is well for an historian not to tell more than he knows, a +principle which has guided our pen from the inception of this work to +this point, and which must continue to the bitter end. We shall be +relentless and truthful to the last, even though in so doing we are +compelled to overthrow all historical precedent. + +Bonaparte arrived at St. Helena in October, 1815. He had embarked, +every one supposed, with the impression that he was going to America, +and those about him, fearing a passionate outbreak when he learned +the truth, tried for a time to convince him that he had taken the +wrong steamer; then when they found that he could not be deceived in +this way, they made allusions to the steering-gear having got out of +order, but the ex-Emperor merely smiled. + +"You cannot fool me," he said. "I know whither I am drifting. I +went to a clairvoyant before leaving Paris, who cast a few dozen +horoscopes for me and they all ended at St. Helena. It is +inevitable. I must go there, and all these fairy tales about wrong +steamers and broken rudders and so on are useless. I submit. I +could return if I wished, but I do not wish to return. By a mere +speech to these sailors I could place myself in command of this ship +to-day, turn her about and proclaim myself Emperor of the Seas; but I +don't want to. I prefer dry land and peace to a coup de tar and the +throne of Neptune." + +All of which shows that the great warrior was weary. + +Then followed a dreary exile of uneventful years, in which the ex- +Emperor conducted paper campaigns of great fierceness against the +English government, which with unprecedented parsimony allowed him no +more than $60,000 a year and house rent. + +"The idea of limiting me to five thousand dollars a month," he +remarked, savagely, to Sir Hudson Lowe. "It's positively low." + +"It strikes me as positively high," retorted the governor. "You know +well enough that you couldn't spend ten dollars a week in this place +if you put your whole mind on it, if you hadn't insisted on having +French waiters in your dining-room, whom you have to tip every time +they bring you anything." + +"Humph!" said Bonaparte. "That isn't any argument. I'm a man used +to handling large sums. It isn't that I want to spend money; it's +that I want to have it about me in case of emergency. However, I +know well enough why they keep my allowance down to $60,000." + +"Why is it?" asked Sir Hudson. + +"They know that you can't be bought for $60,000, but they wouldn't +dare make it $60,000 and one cent," retorted the captive. "Put that +in your cigarette and smoke it, Sir Harlem, and hereafter call me +Emperor. That's my name, Emperor N. Bonaparte." + +"And I beg that you will not call me Sir Harlem," returned the +governor, irritated by the Emperor's manner. "My name is Hudson, not +Harlem." + +"Pray excuse the slip," said the Emperor, scornfully. "I knew you +were named after some American river, I didn't know which. However, +I imagined that the Harlem was nearer your size than the Hudson, +since the latter has some pretensions to grandeur. Now please flow +down to the sea and lose yourself, I'm getting sleepy again." + +So, in constant conflict with Sir Hudson, who refused to call him by +his title, and whom in consequence he refused to call by his proper +name, answering such epithets as "Corporal" and "Major" with a +savagely-spoken "Delaware" or an ironically respectful "Mohawk," +Bonaparte dwelt at St. Helena until the 5th of May, 1821, when, +historians tell us, he died. This is an error, for upon that date +Bonaparte escaped. He had fought death too many times to succumb to +him now, and, while the writers of history have in a sense stated the +truth when they say that he passed away in the night, their readers +have gained a false impression. It is the fact that Napoleon +Bonaparte, like Dante and Virgil, passed over the dark river Styx as +the honored leader of the rebellious forces of Hades. He did pass +away in the night, but he went as he went from Elba, and, as we shall +see, with more successful results. + +For years the Government of Erebus had been unsatisfactory to many of +its subjects, mainly on account of the arbitrary methods of the +Weather Department. + +"We are in a perpetual broil here," Caesar had said, "and I for one +am getting tired of it. The country demands a change. This +administration doesn't give us anything but dog-days." + +For this the Roman warrior had been arrested and kept in an oven at +the rear of the Erebian Tuileries, as Apollyon's Palace was called, +for two centuries. + +"The next rebel gets a gridiron, and the third will be served to +Cerberus en brochette," cried Apollyon. + +Thus matters had gone on for five or six hundred years, and no one +had ventured to complain further, particularly in view of Caesar's +comments upon the horrid details of his incarceration published +several years after his release, under the title of "Two Centuries in +an Oven; or, Four Thousand and Six in the Shade." + +At the end of the eighteenth century, however, the aspect of affairs +had changed. Apollyon had spent a great deal of his time abroad, and +had failed to note how the revolution in America, the Reign of Terror +in France, and the subsequent wars in Europe had materially increased +the forces of the Republican Party in Hades. The French arrivals +alone should have been sufficient to convince Apollyon that his +attention to domestic affairs was needed, and that the +Americanization of his domain was gaining a most considerable +headway. All the movement really needed was a leader, but there was +none to lead. + +"Caesar's book has made us timid. I don't want any of it," said +Alcibiades. + +"I've had enough of public life," said Charlemagne. + +"It's hot enough for us as it is," said all four of the "Three +Musketeers." + +"We'll have to get somebody who is not aware of the possibilities of +our climate," observed Frederick the Great. + +"Try Napoleon Bonaparte," suggested Louis XIV., with a chuckle, +feeling that here was an opportunity to do one of two things, to get +even with Apollyon, or, in case of the failure of the rebellion, to +be revenged upon Bonaparte for his treatment of the Bourbons by +securing for him the warmest reception the Kingdom of Hades could +afford. + +The suggestion, according to documents at hand which seem to be +veracious, was adopted with enthusiasm. The exile was communicated +with, and joy settled upon the people of Hades when word was received +that Bonaparte was on his way. As we have seen, on the night of the +5th of May he left St. Helena, and on the 10th he landed on the right +bank of the Styx. A magnificent army awaited him. To the Old Guard, +many of whom had preceded him, was accorded the position of honor, +and as Bonaparte stepped ashore the roof of Erebus was rent with +vivas. Such a scene has never been witnessed before, and may never +be witnessed again. The populace flocked about him, and strove to +kiss his hand; some went so far as to clip off samples of his uniform +to treasure in their homes. It was evident that the government must +look to itself. + +"What is this noise?" asked Apollyon, who had returned to his domain +only the night before. + +"Bonaparte has arrived," returned the head Imp, "and the people are +in revolt." + +Apollyon paled and summoned his ministers. + +Meanwhile Bonaparte had held a council of war, appointing Caesar, +Pompey, Alcibiades, and Charlemagne marshals of Hades. + +"The first thing to be done is to capture the coal-yards," he said, +taking in the situation at a glance. "Caesar, let the coal-yards be +your care. Alcibiades will take the Three Musketeers, and by night +will make a detour to the other side of the palace and open the +sluices of the vitriol reservoir, which I understand run into the +Styx. Pompey will surprise the stokers in the national engine-room +with a force of ten thousand, put out the fires, and await further +orders. Charlemagne will accompany me with the army to the palace, +where I shall demand an audience with the king." + +It will be seen at once that, granting the success of all these +manoeuvres, Apollyon could not possibly hold out. As the Hollanders +had only water with which to flood their country and rout their +enemies, so Apollyon had only fire with which to wither an invader or +a rebellious force. The quick mind of Bonaparte took this in on the +instant. He was no longer listless and sleepy, for here was the +grandest opportunity of his life, and he knew it. + +Fortune favored him. In Hades fortune was a material personality, +and not an abstract idea as she is with us, and when she met +Bonaparte on his triumphal march along the Styx, she yielded to that +fascination which even phlegmatic Englishmen could not deny that he +possessed; and when at this meeting the man of the hour took her by +the hand and breathed softly into her ear that she was in very truth +the only woman he had ever loved, she instinctively felt that he had +at last spoken from his heart of hearts. + +"I believe you, Bonaparte," she murmured softly, "and I think I have +shown you in the past that I am not indifferent to you. I am with +you--Apollyon is doomed." + +Thus encouraged, Bonaparte, followed by his constantly growing army, +proceeded to the palace. + +Apollyon received him with dignity. + +"I am glad to receive so distinguished a person," he said. + +"Thank you," said Bonaparte, "but this is not a society function, +Your Highness--I have come here on business, so spare me your +flatteries." + +Apollyon turned purple with rage. + +"Insolent!" he cried. "Consider yourself under arrest." + +"Certainly," said Bonaparte, calmly. "Will you kindly hand me your +crown?" + +Apollyon rose in his wrath, and ordered his aides to arrest +Bonaparte, and to cast him into the furnace. "Make it a million +degrees Farenheit," he roared. + +"I regret to inform your majesty," said the chief aide, "that word +has just been received that the fires are out, the coal-yard has been +captured by the rebels, and five adventurous spirits have let all the +vitriol out of the reservoir into the Styx." + +"Summon my guards, and have this man boned, then!" raged Apollyon. + +"It is also with regret that I have to tell you," returned the aide, +"that the Royal Guard has gone over to the enemy, having been +promised higher wages." + +"We have Cerberus left," cried Apollyon, "let him take this base +intruder and tear him limb from limb." + +Napoleon burst out into a laugh. "You will excuse me, Your Majesty," +he said. "But Cerberus is already fixed. We poisoned two of his +heads, and he is even now whining for his life with the third." + +"Then am I undone," moaned Apollyon, covering his face with his +hands. + +"You are," said Bonaparte, "but we'll tie you up again in short +order. We'll put you on one of your own gridirons and do you to a +turn." + +Of course this was the end. + +In three days Napoleon had made himself master of the kingdom, had +proclaimed the Empire with himself at its head. Apollyon was treated +with consideration. His life was spared, but he was shorn of his +power. Bonaparte sent him into exile at Paris, where, according to +report, he still lives. + +"Now for a new coronation," said the victor. "Send for the pope." + +"Not this tune!" cried Caesar with a laugh. "The popes have always +studiously avoided this place." + +"Then," said Napoleon with a smile, "let Fortune crown me. After +all, it has always been she who did it--why not now?" + +Hence it was that at the dawning of New Year's day of 1822, Napoleon +Bonaparte opened a new and most highly successful career. His power +has increased day by day until now, when there is evidence that he +has the greater part of the world in his firm grasp. + +Some years later his beloved Bourrienne arrived. + +"Remember, Bourrienne," he said, as he installed his old and faithful +secretary in his new office, "you have always written my autographs +for me, and shall still continue to do so, only please note the +change. It is no longer Bonaparte, or Napoleon, Emperor of the +French, it has become Napollyon, Emperor of Hades." + +And to Fouche, when that worthy arrived, he said: + +"Fouche, this is different from the old show. That original Empire +of mine was ruined by just one thing. I was eternally anxious to +provide for the succession, and out of that grew all my troubles; but +here, as the little girl said about the apple-core, there ain't a- +goin' to be no succession. I am here to stay. Meanwhile, Fouche, I +have an impression that you and Augureau took more pleasure out of my +misfortunes than I did; wherefore I authorize you to send for +Augereau and take him swimming in the vitriol tank. It will do you +both good." + +As for Joseph, when he heard of his brother's new acquisition he +reformed at once, led an irreproachable life in America, whither he +had fled, and when he died went to the other place. + + + +Footnote: + +{1} Napoleon's English at this time was not of the best quality + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Bonaparte of Corsica, by John K. 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