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diff --git a/32261.txt b/32261.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..17f2b1d --- /dev/null +++ b/32261.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9224 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Frenchman in America, by Max O'Rell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Frenchman in America + Recollections of Men and Things + +Author: Max O'Rell + +Release Date: May 5, 2010 [EBook #32261] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A FRENCHMAN IN AMERICA *** + + + + +Produced by Marius Masi, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +A FRENCHMAN IN AMERICA. + + +[Illustration: Max O'Rell] + + + + +_A FRENCHMAN IN AMERICA_ + +Recollections of Men and Things + + + BY MAX O'RELL + + AUTHOR OF "JONATHAN AND HIS CONTINENT," "JOHN BULL, JUNIOR," + "JACQUES BONHOMME," "JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND," ETC. + + + WITH OVER ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY ILLUSTRATIONS + BY E. W. KEMBLE + + + NEW YORK + CASSELL PUBLISHING COMPANY + 104 & 106 FOURTH AVENUE + + + + + COPYRIGHT, 1891, BY + CASSELL PUBLISHING COMPANY. + + _All rights reserved._ + + THE MERSHON COMPANY PRESS, + RAHWAY, N. J. + + + + + CONTENTS. + + + CHAPTER. PAGE. + + I.--Departure--The Atlantic--Demoralization of the "Boarders"-- + Betting--The Auctioneer--An Inquisitive Yankee, 1 + + II.--Arrival of the Pilot--First Look at American Newspapers, 11 + + III.--Arrival--The Custom House--Things Look Bad--The + Interviewers--First Visits--Things Look Brighter--"O Vanity + of Vanities," 14 + + IV.--Impressions of American Hotels, 25 + + V.--My Opening Lecture--Reflections on Audiences I Have Had--The + Man who Won't Smile--The One who Laughs too Soon, and Many + Others, 37 + + VI.--A Connecticut Audience--Merry Meriden--A Hard Pull, 48 + + VII--A Tempting Offer--The Thursday Club--Bill Nye--Visit to Young + Ladies' Schools--The Players' Club, 52 + + VIII.--The Flourishing of Coats-of-Arms in America--Reflections + Thereon--Forefathers Made to Order--The Phonograph at + Home--The Wealth of New York--Departure for Buffalo, 60 + + IX.--Different Ways of Advertising a Lecture--American + Impressarios and Their Methods, 66 + + X.--Buffalo--The Niagara Falls--A Frost--Rochester to the Rescue + of Buffalo--Cleveland--I Meet Jonathan--Phantasmagoria, 74 + + XI.--A Great Admirer--Notes on Railway Traveling--Is America a + Free Nation?--A Pleasant Evening in New York, 81 + + XII.--Notes on American Women--Comparisons--How Men Treat Women + and Vice Versa--Scenes and Illustrations, 90 + + XIII.--More about Journalism in America--A Dinner at Delmonico's-- + My First Appearance in an American Church, 110 + + XIV.--Marcus Aurelius in America--Chairmen I Have Had--American, + English, and Scotch Chairmen--One who had Been to + Boulogne--Talkative and Silent Chairmen--A Trying Occasion-- + The Lord is Asked to Allow the Audience to See my Points, 124 + + XV.--Reflections on the Typical American, 137 + + XVI.--I am Asked to Express Myself Freely on America--I Meet Mrs. + Blank and for the First Time Hear of Mr. Blank--Beacon + Street Society--The Boston Clubs, 149 + + XVII.--A Lively Sunday in Boston--Lecture in the Boston Theater-- + Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes--The Booth-Modjeska Combination, 156 + + XVIII--St. Johnsbury--The State of Maine--New England + Self-control--Cold Climates and Frigid Audiences--Where is + the Audience?--All Drunk!--A Reminiscence of a Scotch + Audience on a Saturday Night, 163 + + XIX.--A Lovely Ride to Canada--Quebec, a Corner of Old France + Strayed up and Lost in the Snow--The French Canadians--The + Parties in Canada--Will the Canadians become Yankees? 172 + + XX.--Montreal--The City--Mount Royal--Canadian Sports--Ottawa-- + The Government--Rideau Hall, 182 + + XXI.--Toronto--The City--The Ladies--The Sports--Strange + Contrasts--The Canadian Schools, 191 + + XXII.--West Canada--Relations between British and Indians--Return + to the United States--Difficulties in the Way--Encounter + American Custom-House Officer, 196 + + XXIII.--Chicago (First Visit)--The "Neighborhood" of Chicago--The + with an History of Chicago--Public Servants--A Very Deaf + Man, 203 + + XXIV.--St. Paul and Minneapolis, the Sister Cities--Rivalries and + Jealousies between Large American Cities--Minnehaha + Falls--Wonderful Interviewers--My Hat gets into Trouble + Again--Electricity in the Air--Forest Advertisements-- + Railway Speed in America, 214 + + XXV.--Detroit--The Town--The Detroit "Free Press"--A Lady + Interviewer--The "Unco Guid" in Detroit--Reflections on the + Anglo-Saxon "Unco Guid," 222 + + XXVI.--Milwaukee--A Well-filled Day--Reflections on the Scotch in + America--Chicago Criticisms, 236 + + XXVII.--The Monotony of Traveling in the States--"Manon Lescaut" + in America, 244 + + XXVIII.--For the First Time I See an American Paper Abuse Me-- + Albany to New York--A Lecture at Daly's Theater--Afternoon + Audiences, 248 + + XXIX.--Wanderings Through New York--Lecture at the Harmonie Club-- + Visit to the Century Club, 255 + + XXX.--Visit to the Brooklyn Academy of Music--Rev. Dr. Talmage, 257 + + XXXI.--Virginia--The Hotels--The South--I will Kill a Railway + Conductor before I Leave America--Philadelphia--Impressions + of the Old City, 263 + + XXXII.--My Ideas of the State of Texas--Why I will not Go + There--The Story of a Frontier Man, 274 + + XXXIII.--Cincinnati--The Town--The Suburbs--A German City--"Over + the Rhine"--What is a Good Patriot?--An Impressive + Funeral--A Great Fire--How It Appeared to Me, and How It + Appeared to the Newspaper Reporters, 279 + + XXXIV.--A Journey if you Like--Terrible Encounter with an + American Interviewer, 296 + + XXXV.--The University of Indiana--Indianapolis--The Veterans of + the Grand Army of the Republic on the Spree--A Marvelous + Equilibrist, 306 + + XXXVI.--Chicago (Second Visit)--Vassili Verestchagin's + Exhibition--The "Angelus"--Wagner and Wagnerites-- + Wanderings About the Big City--I Sit on the Tribunal, 311 + + XXXVII.--Ann Arbor--The University of Michigan--Detroit + Again--The French Out of France--Oberlin College, Ohio-- + Black and White--Are All American Citizens Equal? 322 + + XXXVIII.--Mr. and Mrs. Kendal in New York--Joseph Jefferson-- + Julian Hawthorne--Miss Ada Rehan--"As You Like It" at + Daly's Theater, 330 + + XXXIX.--Washington--The City--Willard's Hotel--The Politicians-- + General Benjamin Harrison, U. S. President--Washington + Society--Baltimore--Philadelphia, 332 + + XL.--Easter Sunday in New York, 342 + + XLI.--I Mount the Pulpit and Preach on the Sabbath, in the State + of Wisconsin--The Audience is Large and Appreciative; but I + Probably Fail to Please One of the Congregation, 347 + + XLII.--The Origin of American Humor and Its Characteristics--The + Sacred and the Profane--The Germans and American Humor-- + My Corpse Would "Draw," in my Impressario's Opinion, 353 + + XLIII.--Good-by to America--Not "Adieu," but "Au Revoir"--On + Board the _Teutonic_--Home Again, 361 + + + + +A FRENCHMAN IN AMERICA. + + +CHAPTER I. + + DEPARTURE--THE ATLANTIC--DEMORALIZATION OF THE "BOARDERS"--BETTING--THE + AUCTIONEER--AN INQUISITIVE YANKEE. + + + _On board the "Celtic," Christmas Week, 1889._ + +In the order of things the _Teutonic_ was to have sailed to-day, but the +date is the 25th of December, and few people elect to eat their +Christmas dinner on the ocean if they can avoid it; so there are only +twenty-five saloon passengers, and they have been committed to the brave +little _Celtic_, while that huge floating palace, the _Teutonic_, +remains in harbor. + +Little _Celtic_! Has it come to this with her and her companions, the +_Germanic_, the _Britannic_, and the rest that were the wonders and the +glory of the ship-building craft a few years ago? There is something +almost sad in seeing these queens of the Atlantic dethroned, and obliged +to rank below newer and grander ships. It was even pathetic to hear the +remarks of the sailors, as we passed the _Germanic_ who, in her day, had +created even more wondering admiration than the two famous armed +cruisers lately added to the "White Star" fleet. + + * * * * * + +I know nothing more monotonous than a voyage from Liverpool to New York. + +Nine times out of ten--not to say ninety-nine times out of a +hundred--the passage is bad. The Atlantic Ocean has an ugly temper; it +has forever got its back up. Sulky, angry, and terrible by turns, it +only takes a few days' rest out of every year, and this always occurs +when you are not crossing. + +And then, the wind is invariably against you. When you go to America, it +blows from the west; when you come back to Europe, it blows from the +east. If the captain steers south to avoid icebergs, it is sure to begin +to blow southerly. + +Doctors say that sea-sickness emanates from the brain. I can quite +believe them. The blood rushes to your head, leaving your extremities +cold and helpless. All the vital force flies to the brain, and your legs +refuse to carry you. It is with sea-sickness as it is with wine. When +people say that a certain wine goes up in the head, it means that it is +more likely to go down to the feet. + +There you are, on board a huge construction that rears and kicks like a +buck-jumper. She lifts you up bodily, and, after well shaking all your +members in the air several seconds, lets them down higgledy-piggledy, +leaving to Providence the business of picking them up and putting them +together again. That is the kind of thing one has to go through about +sixty times an hour. And there is no hope for you; nobody dies of it. + +[Illustration: "YOUR LEGS REFUSE TO CARRY YOU."] + +Under such conditions, the mental state of the boarders may easily be +imagined. They smoke, they play cards, they pace the deck like bruin +pacing a cage; or else they read, and forget at the second chapter all +they have read in the first. A few presumptuous ones try to think, but +without success. The ladies, the American ones more especially, lie on +their deck chairs swathed in rugs and shawls like Egyptian mummies in +their sarcophagi, and there they pass from ten to twelve hours a day +motionless, hopeless, helpless, speechless. Some few incurables keep to +their cabins altogether, and only show their wasted faces when it is +time to debark. Up they come, with cross, stupefied, pallid, +yellow-green-looking physiognomies, and seeming to say: "Speak to me, if +you like, but don't expect me to open my eyes or answer you, and above +all, don't shake me." + +Impossible to fraternize. + +The crossing now takes about six days and a half. By the time you have +spent two in getting your sea legs on, and three more in reviewing, and +being reviewed by your fellow-passengers, you will find yourself at the +end of your troubles--and your voyage. + +No, people do not fraternize on board ship, during such a short passage, +unless a rumor runs from cabin to cabin that there has been some +accident to the machinery, or that the boat is in imminent danger. At +the least scare of this kind, every one looks at his neighbor with eyes +that are alarmed, but amiable, nay, even amicable. But as soon as one +can say: "We have come off with a mere scare this time," all the facial +traits stiffen once more, and nobody knows anybody. + +[Illustration: "LIKE EGYPTIAN MUMMIES."] + +Universal grief only will bring about universal brotherhood. We must +wait till the Day of Judgment. When the world is passing away, oh! how +men will forgive and love one another! What outpourings of good-will and +affection there will be! How touching, how edifying will be the sight! +The universal republic will be founded in the twinkling of an eye, +distinctions of creed and class forgotten. The author will embrace the +critic and even the publisher, the socialist open his arms to the +capitalist. The married men will be seen "making it up" with their +mothers-in-law, begging them to forgive and forget, and admitting that +they had not been always quite so-so, in fact, as they might have been. +If the Creator of all is a philosopher, or enjoys humor, how he will be +amused to see all the various sects of Christians, who have passed their +lives in running one another down, throw themselves into one another's +arms. It will be a scene never to be forgotten. + +Yes, I repeat it, the voyage from Liverpool to New York is monotonous +and wearisome in the extreme. It is an interval in one's existence, a +week more or less lost, decidedly more than less. + +One grows gelatinous from head to foot, especially in the upper part of +one's anatomy. + +In order to see to what an extent the brain softens, you only need look +at the pastimes the poor passengers go in for. + +A state of demoralization prevails throughout. + +They bet. That is the form the disease takes. + +[Illustration: THE AUCTIONEER.] + +They bet on anything and everything. They bet that the sun will or will +not appear next day at eleven precisely, or that rain will fall at noon. +They bet that the number of miles made by the boat at twelve o'clock +next day will terminate with 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, or 9. Each draws +one of these numbers and pays his shilling, half-crown, or even +sovereign. Then these numbers are put up at auction. An improvised +auctioneer, with the gift of the gab, puts his talent at the service of +his fellow-passengers. It is really very funny to see him swaying about +the smoking-room table, and using all his eloquence over each number in +turn for sale. A good auctioneer will run the bidding so smartly that +the winner of the pool next day often pockets as much as thirty and +forty pounds. On the eve of arrival in New York harbor, everybody knows +that twenty-four pilots are waiting about for the advent of the liner, +and that each boat carries her number on her sail. Accordingly, +twenty-four numbers are rolled up and thrown into a cap, and betting +begins again. He who has drawn the number which happens to be that of +the pilot who takes the steamer into harbor pockets the pool. + +I, who have never bet on anything in my life, even bet with my traveling +companion, when the rolling of the ship sends our portmanteaus from one +side of the cabin to the other, that mine will arrive first. +Intellectual faculties on board are reduced to this ebb. + + * * * * * + +The nearest approach to a gay note, in this concert of groans and +grumblings, is struck by some humorous and good-tempered American. He +will come and ask you the most impossible questions with an ease and +impudence perfectly inimitable. These catechisings are all the more +droll because they are done with a _naivete_ which completely disarms +you. The phrase is short, without verb, reduced to its most concise +expression. The intonation alone marks the interrogation. Here is a +specimen. + +We have on board the _Celtic_ an American who is not a very shrewd +person, for it has actually taken him five days to discover that English +is not my native tongue. This morning (December 30) he found it out, +and, being seated near me in the smoke-room, has just had the following +bit of conversation with me: + +"Foreigner?" said he. + +"Foreigner," said I, replying in American. + +"German, I guess." + +"Guess again." + +"French?" + +"Pure blood." + +[Illustration: "GOING TO AMERICA?"] + +"Married?" + +"Married." + +"Going to America?" + +"Yes--evidently." + +"Pleasure trip?" + +"No." + +"On business?" + +"On business, yes." + +"What's your line?" + +"H'm--French goods." + +"Ah! what class of goods?" + +"_L'article de Paris._" + +"The what?" + +"The _ar-ti-cle de Pa-ris_." + +"Oh! yes, the _arnticle of Pahrriss_." + +"Exactly so. Excuse _my_ pronunciation." + +This floored him. + +"Rather impertinent, your smoke-room neighbor!" you will say. + +Undeceive yourself at once upon that point. It is not impertinence, +still less an intention to offend you, that urges him to put these +incongruous questions to you. It is the interest he takes in you. The +American is a good fellow; good fellowship is one of his chief +characteristic traits. Of that I became perfectly convinced during my +last visit to the United States. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + ARRIVAL OF THE PILOT--FIRST LOOK AT AMERICAN NEWSPAPERS. + + + _Saturday, January 4, 1890._ + +We shall arrive in New York Harbor to-night, but too late to go on +shore. After sunset, the Custom House officers are not to be disturbed. +We are about to land in a country where, as I remember, everything is in +subjection to the paid servant. In the United States, he who is paid +wages commands. + +We make the best of it. After having mercilessly tumbled us about for +nine days, the wind has graciously calmed down, and our last day is +going to be a good one, thanks be. There is a pure atmosphere. A clear +line at the horizon divides space into two immensities, two sheets of +blue sharply defined. + +Faces are smoothing out a bit. People talk, are becoming, in fact, quite +communicative. One seems to say to another: "Why, after all, you don't +look half as disagreeable as I thought. If I had only known that, we +might have seen more of each other, and killed time more quickly." + +The pilot boat is in sight. It comes toward us, and sends off in a +rowing-boat the pilot who will take us into port. The arrival of the +pilot on board is not an incident. It is an event. Does he not bring the +New York newspapers? And when you have been ten days at sea, cut off +from the world, to read the papers of the day before is to come back to +life again, and once more take up your place in this little planet that +has been going on its jog-trot way during your temporary suppression. + +[Illustration: PILOT WITH PAPERS.] + +The first article which meets my eyes, as I open the New York _World_, +is headed "High time for Mr. Nash to put a stop to it!" This is the +paragraph: + + Ten days ago, Mrs. Nash brought a boy into existence. Three days + afterward she presented her husband with a little girl. Yesterday the + lady was safely delivered of a third baby. + +"Mrs. Nash takes her time over it" would have been another good heading. + +Here we are in America. Old World ways don't obtain here. In Europe, +Mrs. Nash would have ushered the little trio into this life in one day; +but in Europe we are out of date, _rococo_, and if one came over to find +the Americans doing things just as they are done on the other side, one +might as well stay at home. + +I run through the papers. + +America, I see, is split into two camps. Two young ladies, Miss Nelly +Bly and Miss Elizabeth Bisland, have left New York by opposite routes to +go around the world, the former sent by the New York _World_, the latter +by the _Cosmopolitan_. Which will be back first? is what all America is +conjecturing upon. Bets have been made, and the betting is even. I do +not know Miss Bly, but last time I came over I had the pleasure of +making Miss Bisland's acquaintance. Naturally, as soon as I get on +shore, I shall bet on Miss Bisland. You would do the same yourself, +would you not? + +I pass the day reading the papers. All the bits of news, insignificant +or not, given in the shape of crisp, lively stories, help pass the time. +They contain little information, but much amusement. The American +newspaper always reminds me of a shop window with all the goods ticketed +in a marvelous style, so as to attract and tickle the eye. You cannot +pass over anything. The leading article is scarcely known across the +"wet spot"; the paper is a collection of bits of gossip, hearsay, news, +scandal, the whole served _a la sauce piquante_. + + _Nine o'clock._ + +We are passing the bar, and going to anchor. New York is sparkling with +lights, and the Brooklyn Bridge is a thing of beauty. I will enjoy the +scene for an hour, and then turn in. + +We land to-morrow morning at seven. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + ARRIVAL--THE CUSTOM HOUSE--THINGS LOOK BAD--THE INTERVIEWERS--FIRST + VISITS--THINGS LOOK BRIGHTER--"O VANITY OF VANITIES." + + + _New York Harbor; January 5._ + +At seven o'clock in the morning the Custom House officers came on board. +One of them at once recognizing me, said, calling me by name, that he +was glad to see me back, and inquired if I had not brought Madame with +me this time. It is extraordinary the memory of many of these Americans! +This one had seen me for a few minutes two years before, and probably +had had to deal with two or three hundred thousand people since. + +All the passengers came to the saloon and made their declarations one +after another, after which they swore in the usual form that they had +told the truth, and signed a paper to that effect. This done, many a +poor pilgrim innocently imagines that he has finished with the Custom +House, and he renders thanks to Heaven that he is going to set foot on a +soil where a man's word is not doubted. He reckons without his host. In +spite of his declaration, sworn and signed, his trunks are opened and +searched with all the dogged zeal of a policeman who believes he is on +the track of a criminal, and who will only give up after perfectly +convincing himself that the trunks do not contain the slightest dutiable +article. Everything is taken out and examined. If there are any objects +of apparel that appear like new ones to that scrutinizing eye, look out +for squalls. + +[Illustration: CUSTOM HOUSE OFFICERS.] + +I must say that the officer was very kind to me. For that matter, the +luggage of a man who travels alone, without Madame and her +_impedimenta_, is soon examined. + +Before leaving the ship, I went to shake hands with Captain Parsell, +that experienced sailor whose bright, interesting conversation, added to +the tempting delicacies provided by the cook, made many an hour pass +right cheerily for those who, like myself, had the good fortune to sit +at his table. I thanked him for all the kind attentions I had received +at his hands. I should have liked to thank all the employees of the +"White Star" line company. Their politeness is above all praise; their +patience perfectly angelical. Ask them twenty times a day the most +absurd questions, such as, "Will the sea soon calm down?" "Shall we get +into harbor on Wednesday?" "Do you think we shall be in early enough to +land in the evening?" and so on. You find them always ready with a kind +and encouraging answer. "The barometer is going up and the sea is going +down," or, "We are now doing our nineteen knots an hour." Is it true, or +not? It satisfies you, at all events. In certain cases it is so sweet to +be deceived! Better to be left to nurse a beloved illusion than have to +give it up for a harsh reality that you are powerless against. Every one +is grateful to those kind sailors and stewards for the little innocent +fibs that they are willing to load their consciences with, in order that +they may brighten your path across the ocean a little. + + * * * * * + + _Everett House. Noon._ + +[Illustration: CAPTAIN PARSELL, R. M. S. "MAJESTIC."] + +My baggage examined, I took a cab to go to the hotel. Three dollars for +a mile and a half. A mere trifle. + +[Illustration: EVERY ONE HAS THE GRIPPE.] + +It was pouring with rain. New York on a Sunday is never very gay. To-day +the city seemed to me horrible: dull, dirty, and dreary. It is not the +fault of New York altogether. I have the spleen. A horribly stormy +passage, the stomach upside down, the heart up in the throat, the +thought that my dear ones are three thousand miles away, all these +things help to make everything look black. It would have needed a +radiant sun in one of those pure blue skies that North America is so +rich in to make life look agreeable and New York passable to-day. + +In ten minutes cabby set me down at the Everett House. After having +signed the register, I went and looked up my manager, whose bureau is on +the ground floor of the hotel. + +The spectacle which awaited me was appalling. + +There sat the unhappy Major Pond in his office, his head bowed upon his +chest, his arms hanging limp, the very picture of despair. + +The country is seized with a panic. Everybody has the influenza. Every +one does not die of it, but every one is having it. The malady is not +called influenza over here, as it is in Europe. It is called "Grippe." +No American escapes it. Some have _la grippe_, others have _the grippe_, +a few, even, have _the la grippe_. Others, again, the lucky ones, think +they have it. Those who have not had it, or do not think they have it +yet, are expecting it. The nation is in a complete state of +demoralization. Theaters are empty, business almost suspended, doctors +on their backs or run off their legs. + +At twelve a telegram is handed to me. It is from my friend, Wilson +Barrett, who is playing in Philadelphia. "Hearty greetings, dear friend. +Five grains of quinine and two tablets of antipyrine a day, or you get +_grippe_." Then came many letters by every post. "Impossible to go and +welcome you in person. I have _la grippe_. Take every precaution." Such +is the tenor of them all. + +The outlook is not bright. What to do? For a moment I have half a mind +to call a cab and get on board the first boat bound for Europe. + +I go to my room, the windows of which overlook Union Square. The sky is +somber, the street is black and deserted, the air is suffocatingly +warm, and a very heavy rain is beating against the windows. + +Shade of Columbus, how I wish I were home again! + + * * * * * + +Cheer up, boy, the hand-grasps of your dear New York friends will be +sweet after the frantic grasping of stair-rails and other ship furniture +for so many days. + +I will have lunch and go and pay calls. + + * * * * * + +Excuse me if I leave you for a few minutes. The interviewers are waiting +for me downstairs in Major Pond's office. The interviewers! a gay note +at last. The hall porter hands me their cards. They are all there: +representatives of the _Tribune_, the _Times_, the _Sun_, the _Herald_, +the _World_, the _Star_. + +What nonsense Europeans have written on the subject of interviewing in +America, to be sure! To hear them speak, you would believe that it is +the greatest nuisance in the world. + +A Frenchman writes in the _Figaro_: "I will go to America if my life can +be insured against that terrific nuisance, interviewing." + +An Englishman writes to an English paper, on returning from America: +"When the reporters called on me, I invariably refused to see them." + +Trash! Cant! Hypocrisy! With the exception of a king, or the prime +minister of one of the great powers, a man is only too glad to be +interviewed. Don't talk to me about the nuisance, tell the truth, it is +always such a treat to hear it. I consider that interviewing is a +compliment, a great compliment paid to the interviewed. In asking a man +to give you his views, so as to enlighten the public on such and such a +subject, you acknowledge that he is an important man, which is +flattering to him; or you take him for one, which is more flattering +still. + +I maintain that American interviewers are extremely courteous and +obliging, and, as a rule, very faithful reporters of what you say to +them. + +Let me say that I have a lurking doubt in my mind whether those who have +so much to say against interviewing in America have ever been asked to +be interviewed at all, or have even ever run such a danger. + +I object to interviewing as a sign of decadence in modern journalism; +but I do not object to being interviewed, I like it; and, to prove it, I +will go down at once, and be interviewed. + + * * * * * + + _Midnight._ + +The interview with the New York reporters passed off very well. I went +through the operation like a man. + +After lunch, I went to see Mr. Edmund Clarence Stedman, who had shown me +a great deal of kindness during my first visit to America. I found in +him a friend ready to welcome me. + +The poet and literary critic is a man of about fifty, rather below +middle height, with a beautifully chiseled head. In every one of the +features you can detect the artist, the man of delicate, tender, and +refined feelings. It was a great pleasure for me to see him again. He +has finished his "Library of American Literature," a gigantic work of +erudite criticism and judicious compilation, which he undertook a few +years ago in collaboration with Miss Ellen Mackay Hutchinson. These +eleven volumes form a perfect national monument, a complete cyclopaedia +of American literature, giving extracts from the writings of every +American who has published anything for the last three hundred years +(1607-1890). + +[Illustration: THE INTERVIEWERS.] + +On leaving him, I went to call on Mrs. Anna Bowman Dodd, the author of +"Cathedral Days," "Glorinda," "The Republic of the Future," and other +charming books, and one of the brightest conversationalists it has ever +been my good fortune to meet. After an hour's chat with her, I had +forgotten all about the _grippe_, and all other more or less imaginary +miseries. + +I returned to the Everett House to dress, and went to the Union League +Club to dine with General Horace Porter. + +The general possesses a rare and most happy combination of brilliant +flashing Parisian wit and dry, quiet, American humor. This charming +_causeur_ and _conteur_ tells an anecdote as nobody I know can do; he +never misses fire. He assured me at table that the copyright bill will +soon be passed, for, he added, "we have now a pure and pious +Administration. At the White House they open their oysters with prayer." +The conversation fell on American society, or, rather, on American +Societies. The highest and lowest of these can be distinguished by the +use of _van_. "The blue blood of America put it before their names, as +_Van Nicken_; political society puts it after, as _Sullivan_." + +O VAN-ITAS VAN-ITATUM! + +Time passed rapidly in such delightful company. + +I finished the evening at the house of Colonel Robert G. Ingersoll. If +there had been any cloud of gloom still left hanging about me, it would +have vanished at the sight of his sunny face. There was a small +gathering of some thirty people, among them Mr. Edgar Fawcett, whose +acquaintance I was delighted to make. Conversation went on briskly with +one and the other, and at half-past eleven I returned to the hotel +completely cured. + +To-morrow morning I leave for Boston at ten o'clock to begin the lecture +tour in that city, or, to use an Americanism, to "open the show." + + * * * * * + +There is a knock at the door. + +[Illustration: HALL PORTER.] + +It is the hall porter with a letter: an invitation to dine with the +members of the Clover Club at Philadelphia on Thursday next, the 16th. + +I look at my list of engagements and find I am in Pittsburg on that day. + + +I take a telegraph form and pen the following, which I will send to my +friend, Major M. P. Handy, the president of this lively association: + + Many thanks. Am engaged in Pittsburg on the 16th. Thank God, cannot + attend your dinner. + +I remember how those "boys" cheeked me two years ago, laughed at me, sat +on me. That's my telegram to you, dear Cloverites, with my love. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + IMPRESSIONS OF AMERICAN HOTELS. + + + _Boston, January 6._ + +Arrived here this afternoon, and resumed acquaintance with American +hotels. + +American hotels are all alike. + +Some are worse. + +Describe one and you have described them all. + +On the ground floor, a large entrance hall strewed with cuspidores for +the men, and a side entrance provided with a triumphal arch for the +ladies. On this floor the sexes are separated as at the public baths. + +[Illustration: THE SAD-EYED CLERK.] + +In the large hall, a counter behind which solemn clerks, whose business +faces relax not a muscle, are ready with their book to enter your name +and assign you a number. A small army of colored porters ready to take +you in charge. Not a salute, not a word, not a smile of welcome. The +negro takes your bag and makes a sign that your case is settled. You +follow him. For the time being you lose your personality and become No. +375, as you would in jail. Don't ask questions; theirs not to answer; +don't ring the bell to ask for a favor, if you set any value on your +time. All the rules of the establishment are printed and posted in your +bedroom; you have to submit to them. No question to ask--you know +everything. Henceforth you will have to be hungry from 7 to 9 A.M.; +from 1 to 3 P.M.; from 6 to 8 P.M. The slightest infringement of the +routine would stop the wheel, so don't ask if you could have a meal at +four o'clock; you would be taken for a lunatic, or a crank (as they call +it in America). + +Between meals you will be supplied with ice-water _ad libitum_. + +No privacy. No coffee-room, no smoking-room. No place where you can go +and quietly sip a cup of coffee or drink a glass of beer with a cigar. +You can have a drink at the bar, and then go and sit down in the hall +among the crowd. + +Life in an American hotel is an alternation of the cellular system +during the night and of the gregarious system during the day, an +alternation of the penitentiary systems carried out at Philadelphia and +at Auburn. + +It is not in the bedroom, either, that you must seek anything to cheer +you. The bed is good, but only for the night. The room is perfectly +nude. Not even "Napoleon's Farewell to his Soldiers at Fontainebleau" as +in France, or "Strafford walking to the Scaffold" as in England. Not +that these pictures are particularly cheerful, still they break the +monotony of the wall paper. Here the only oases in the brown or gray +desert are cautions. + +First of all, a notice that, in a cupboard near the window, you will +find some twenty yards of coiled rope which, in case of fire, you are to +fix to a hook outside the window. The rest is guessed. You fix the rope, +and--you let yourself go. From a sixth, seventh, or eighth story, the +prospect is lively. Another caution informs you of all that you must not +do, such as your own washing in the bedroom. Another warns you that if, +on retiring, you put your boots outside the door, you do so at your own +risk and peril. Another is posted near the door, close to an electric +bell. With a little care and practice, you will be able to carry out the +instructions printed thereon. The only thing wonderful about the +contrivance is that the servants never make mistakes. + +[Illustration: THE HOTEL FIRE ESCAPE.] + + + Press once for ice-water. + " twice " hall boy. + " three times " fireman. + " four " " chambermaid. + " five " " hot water. + " six " " ink and writing materials. + " seven " " baggage. + " eight " " messenger. + +In some hotels I have seen the list carried to number twelve. + +Another notice tells you what the proprietor's responsibilities are, and +at what time the meals take place. Now this last notice is the most +important of all. Woe to you if you forget it! For if you should present +yourself one minute after the dining-room door is closed, no human +consideration would get it open for you. Supplications, arguments would +be of no avail. Not even money. + +"What do you mean?" some old-fashioned European will exclaim. "When the +_table d'hote_ is over, of course you cannot expect the _menu_ to be +served to you; but surely you can order a steak or a chop." + +No, you cannot, not even an omelette or a piece of cold meat. If you +arrive at one minute past three (in small towns, at one minute past two) +you find the dining-room closed, and you must wait till six o'clock to +see its hospitable doors open again. + + * * * * * + +When you enter the dining-room, you must not believe that you can go +and sit where you like. The chief waiter assigns you a seat, and you +must take it. With a superb wave of the hand, he signs to you to follow +him. He does not even turn round to see if you are behind him, following +him in all the meanders he describes, amid the sixty, eighty, sometimes +hundred tables that are in the room. He takes it for granted you are an +obedient, submissive traveler who knows his duty. Altogether I traveled +in the United States for about ten months, and I never came across an +American so daring, so independent, as to actually take any other seat +than the one assigned to him by that tremendous potentate, the head +waiter. Occasionally, just to try him, I would sit down in a chair I +took a fancy to. But he would come and fetch me, and tell me that I +could not stay there. In Europe, the waiter asks you where you would +like to sit. In America, you ask him where you may sit. He is a paid +servant, therefore a master in America. He is in command, not of the +other waiters, but of the guests. Several times, recognizing friends in +the dining-room, I asked the man to take me to their tables (I should +not have dared go by myself), and the permission was granted with a +patronizing sign of the head. I have constantly seen Americans stop on +the threshold of the dining-room door, and wait until the chief waiter +had returned from placing a guest to come and fetch them in their turn. +I never saw them venture alone, and take an empty seat, without the +sanction of the waiter. + +[Illustration: THE HEAD MAN.] + +The guests feel struck with awe in that dining-room, and solemnly bolt +their food as quickly as they can. You hear less noise in an American +hotel dining-room containing five hundred people, than you do at a +French _table d'hote_ accommodating fifty people, at a German one +containing a dozen guests, or at a table where two Italians are dining +_tete-a-tete_. + +[Illustration: "LOOK LIKE DUSKY PRINCES."] + +The head waiter, at large Northern and Western hotels, is a white man. +In the Southern ones, he is a mulatto or a black; but white or black, he +is always a magnificent specimen of his race. There is not a ghost of a +savor of the serving man about him; no whiskers and shaven upper lips +reminding you of the waiters of the Old World; but always a fine +mustache, the twirling of which helps to give an air of _nonchalant_ +superiority to its wearer. The mulatto head-waiters in the South really +look like dusky princes. Many of them are so handsome and carry +themselves so superbly that you find them very impressive at first and +would fain apologize to them. You feel as if you wanted to thank them +for kindly condescending to concern themselves about anything so +commonplace as your seat at table. + +[Illustration: "SHE IS CROWNED WITH A GIGANTIC MASS OF FRIZZLED HAIR."] + +In smaller hotels, the waiters are all waitresses. The "waiting" is done +by damsels entirely--or rather by the guests of the hotel. + +If the Southern head waiter looks like a prince, what shall we say of +the head-waitress in the East, the North, and the West? No term short of +queenly will describe her stately bearing as she moves about among her +bevy of reduced duchesses. She is evidently chosen for her appearance. +She is "divinely tall," as well as "most divinely fair," and, as if to +add to her importance, she is crowned with a gigantic mass of frizzled +hair. All the waitresses have this coiffure. It is a livery, as caps are +in the Old World; but instead of being a badge of servitude it looks, +and is, alarmingly emancipated--so much so that, before making close +acquaintance with my dishes, I always examine them with great care. A +beautiful mass of hair looks lovely on the head of a woman, but _one_ in +your soup, even if it had strayed from the tresses of your beloved one, +would make the corners of your mouth go down, and the tip of your nose +go up. + +A regally handsome woman always "goes well in the landscape," as the +French say, and I have seen specimens of these waitresses so handsome +and so commanding-looking that, if they cared to come over to Europe and +play the queens in London pantomimes, I feel sure they would command +quite exceptional prices, and draw big salaries and crowded houses. + + * * * * * + +The thing which strikes me most disagreeably, in the American hotel +dining-room, is the sight of the tremendous waste of food that goes on +at every meal. No European, I suppose, can fail to be struck with this; +but to a Frenchman it would naturally be most remarkable. In France, +where, I venture to say, people live as well as anywhere else, if not +better, there is a horror of anything like waste of good food. It is to +me, therefore, a repulsive thing to see the wanton manner in which some +Americans will waste at one meal enough to feed several hungry +fellow-creatures. + +In the large hotels, conducted on the American plan, there are rarely +fewer than fifty different dishes on the _menu_ at dinner-time. Every +day, and at every meal, you may see people order three times as much of +this food as they could under any circumstances eat, and, after picking +it and spoiling one dish after another, send the bulk away uneaten. I am +bound to say that this practice is not only to be observed in hotels +where the charge is so much per day, but in those conducted on the +European plan, that is, where you pay for every item you order. There I +notice that people proceed in much the same wasteful fashion. It is +evidently not a desire to have more than is paid for, but simply a bad +and ugly habit. I hold that about five hundred hungry people could be +fed out of the waste that is going on at such large hotels as the Palmer +House or the Grand Pacific Hotel of Chicago--and I have no doubt that +such five hundred hungry people could easily be found in Chicago every +day. + + * * * * * + +I think that many Europeans are prevented from going to America by an +idea that the expense of traveling and living there is very great. This +is quite a delusion. For my part I find that hotels are as cheap in +America as in England at any rate, and railway traveling in Pullman cars +is certainly cheaper than in European first-class carriages, and +incomparably more comfortable. Put aside in America such hotels as +Delmonico's, the Brunswick in New York; the Richelieu in Chicago; and in +England such hotels as the Metropole, the Victoria, the Savoy; and take +the good hotels of the country, such as the Grand Pacific at Chicago; +the West House at Minneapolis, the Windsor at Montreal, the Cadillac at +Detroit. I only mention those I remember as the very best. In these +hotels, you are comfortably lodged and magnificently fed for from three +to five dollars a day. In no good hotel of England, France, Germany, +Italy, Switzerland, would you get the same amount of comfort, or even +luxury, at the same price, and those who require a sitting-room get it +for a little less than they would have to pay in a European hotel. + +The only very dear hotels I have come across in the United States are +those of Virginia. There I have been charged as much as two dollars a +day, but never in my life did I pay so dear for what I had, never in my +life did I see so many dirty rooms or so many messes that were unfit for +human food. + +But I will just say this much for the American refinement of feeling to +be met with, even in the hotels of Virginia, even in the "lunch" rooms +in small stations, you are supplied, at the end of each meal, with a +bowl of water--to rinse your mouth. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + MY OPENING LECTURE--REFLECTIONS ON AUDIENCES I HAVE HAD--THE MAN WHO + WON'T SMILE--THE ONE WHO LAUGHS TOO SOON, AND MANY OTHERS. + + + _Boston, January 7._ + +Began my second American tour under most favorable auspices last night, +in the Tremont Temple. The huge hall was crowded with an audience of +about 2500 people--a most kind, warm, keen, and appreciative audience. I +was a little afraid of the Bostonians; I had heard so much about their +power of criticism that I had almost come to the conclusion that it was +next to impossible to please them. The Boston newspapers this morning +give full reports of my lecture. All of them are kind and most +favorable. This is a good start, and I feel hopeful. + +The subject of my lecture was "A National Portrait Gallery of the +Anglo-Saxon Races," in which I delineated the English, the Scotch, and +the American characters. Strange to say, my Scotch sketches seemed to +tickle them most. This, however, I can explain to myself. Scotch "wut" +is more like American humor than any kind of wit I know. There is about +it the same dryness, the same quaintness, the same preposterousness, the +same subtlety. + +[Illustration: BOSTON.] + +My Boston audience also seemed to enjoy my criticisms of America and the +Americans, which disposes of the absurd belief that the Americans will +not listen to the criticism of their country. There are Americans and +Americans, as there is criticism and criticism. If you can speak of +people's virtues without flattery; if you can speak of their weaknesses +and failings with kindness and good humor, I believe you can criticise +to your heart's content without ever fearing to give offense to +intelligent and fair-minded people. I admire and love the Americans. How +could they help seeing it through all the little criticisms that I +indulged in on the platform? On the whole, I was delighted with my +Boston audience, and, to judge from the reception they gave me, I +believe I succeeded in pleasing them. I have three more engagements in +Boston, so I shall have the pleasure of meeting the Bostonians again. + + * * * * * + +I have never been able to lecture, whether in England, in Scotland, in +Ireland or in America, without discovering, somewhere in the hall, after +speaking for five minutes or so, an old gentleman who will not smile. He +was there last night, and it is evident that he is going to favor me +with his presence every night during this second American tour. He +generally sits near the platform, and not unfrequently on the first row. +There is a horrible fascination about that man. You cannot get your eyes +off him. You do your utmost to "fetch him"--you feel it to be your duty +not to send him home empty-headed; your conscience tells you that he has +not to please you, but that _you_ are paid to please him, and you +struggle on. You would like to slip into his pocket the price of his +seat and have him removed, or throw the water bottle at his face and +make him show signs of life. As it is, you try to look the other way, +but you know he is there, and that does not improve matters. + +Now this man, who will not smile, very often is not so bad as he looks. +You imagine that you bore him to death, but you don't. You wonder how it +is he does not go, but the fact is he actually enjoys himself--inside. +Or, maybe, he is a professional man himself, and no conjuror has ever +been known to laugh at another conjuror's tricks. A great American +humorist relates that, after speaking for an hour and a half without +succeeding in getting a smile from a certain man in the audience, he +sent some one to inquire into the state of his mind. + +"Excuse me, sir, did you not enjoy the lecture that has been delivered +to-night?" + +"Very much indeed," said the man, "it was a most clever and entertaining +lecture." + +"But you never smiled----" + +"Oh, no--I'm a liar myself." + + * * * * * + +Sometimes there are other reasons to explain the unsmiling man's +attitude. + +One evening I had lectured in Birmingham. On the first row there sat the +whole time an old gentleman, with his umbrella standing between his +legs, his hands crossed on the handle, and his chin resting on his +hands. Frowning, his mouth gaping, and his eyes perfectly vacant, he +remained motionless, looking at me, and for an hour and twenty minutes +seemed to say to me: "My poor fellow, you may do what you like, but you +won't 'fetch' me to-night, I can tell you." I looked at him, I spoke to +him, I winked at him, I aimed at him; several times even I paused so as +to give him ample time to see a point. All was in vain. I had just +returned, after the lecture, to the secretary's room behind the +platform, when he entered. + +"Oh, that man again!" I cried, pointing to him. + +He advanced toward me, took my hand, and said: + +"Thank you very much for your excellent lecture, I have enjoyed it very +much." + +"Have you?" said I. + +[Illustration: THE OLD GENTLEMAN WHO WILL NOT SMILE.] + +"Would you be kind enough to give me your autograph?" And he pulled out +of his pocket a beautiful autograph book. + +"Well," I said to the secretary in a whisper, "this old gentleman is +extremely kind to ask for my autograph, for I am certain he has not +enjoyed my lecture." + +"What makes you think so?" + +"Why, he never smiled once." + +"Oh, poor old gentleman," said the secretary; "he is stone deaf." + +Many a lecturer must have met this man. + +It would be unwise, when you discover that certain members of the +audience will not laugh, to give them up at once. As long as you are on +the platform there is hope. + +I was once lecturing in the chief town of a great hunting center in +England. On the first row sat half a dozen hair-parted-in-the-middle, +single-eye-glass young swells. They stared at me unmoved, and never +relaxed a muscle except for yawning. It was most distressing to see how +the poor fellows looked bored. How I did wish I could do something for +them! I had spoken for nearly an hour when, by accident, I upset the +tumbler on my table. The water trickled down the cloth. The young men +laughed, roared. They were happy and enjoying themselves, and I had +"fetched" them at last. I have never forgotten this trick, and when I +see in the audience an apparently hopeless case, I often resort to it, +generally with success. + + * * * * * + +There are other people who do not much enjoy your lecture: your own. + +[Illustration: THE CHAPPIES WHO WOULD NOT LAUGH.] + +Of course you must forgive your wife. The dear creature knows all your +lectures by heart; she has heard your jokes hundreds of times. She comes +to your lectures rather to see how you are going to be received than to +listen to you. Besides, she feels that for an hour and a half you do not +belong to her. When she comes with you to the lecture hall, you are both +ushered into the secretary's room. Two or three minutes before it is +time to go on the platform, it is suggested to her that it is time she +should take her seat among the audience. She looks at the secretary and +recognizes that for an hour and a half her husband is the property of +this official, who is about to hand him over to the tender mercies of +the public. As she says, "Oh, yes, I suppose I must go," she almost +feels like shaking hands with her husband, as Mrs. Baldwin takes leave +of the Professor before he starts on his aerial trip. But, though she +may not laugh, her heart is with you, and she is busy watching the +audience, ever ready to tell them, "Now, don't you think this is a very +good point? Well, then, if you do, why don't you laugh and cheer?" She +is part and parcel of yourself. She is not jealous of your success, for +she is your helpmate, your kind and sound counselor, and I can assure +you that if an audience should fail to be responsive, it would never +enter her head to lay the blame on her husband; she would feel the most +supreme contempt for "that stupid audience that was unable to appreciate +you." That's all. + +But your other own folk! You are no hero to them. To judge the effect of +anything, you must be placed at a certain distance, and your own folks +are too near you. + +One afternoon I had given a lecture to a large and fashionable audience +in the South of England. A near relative of mine, who lived in the +neighborhood, was in the hall. He never smiled. I watched him from the +beginning to the end. When the lecture was over he came to the little +room behind the platform to take me to his house. As he entered the room +I was settling the money matters with my _impresario_. I will let you +into the secret. There was fifty-two pounds in the house, and my share +was two-thirds of the gross receipts, that is about thirty-four pounds. +My relative heard the sum. As we drove along in his dog-cart he nudged +me and said: + +"Did you make thirty-four pounds this afternoon?" + +"Oh, did you hear?" I said. "Yes, that was my part of the takings. For a +small town I am quite satisfied." + +"I should think you were!" he replied. "If you had made thirty-four +shillings you would have been well paid for your work!" + +Nothing is more true to life than the want of appreciation the +successful man encounters from relatives and also from former friends. +Nothing is more certain than when a man has lived on terms of perfect +equality and familiarity with a certain set of men, he can never hope to +be anything but "plain John" to them, though by his personal efforts he +may have obtained the applause of the public. Did he not rub shoulders +with them for years in the same walk of life? Why these bravos? What was +there in him more than in them? Even though they may have gone so far as +to single him out as a "rather clever fellow," while he was one of +theirs, still the surprise at the public appreciation is none the less +keen, his advance toward the front an unforgivable offense, and they are +immediately seized with a desire to rush out in the highways and +proclaim that he is only "Jack," and not the "John" that his admirers +think him. I remember that, in the early years of my life in England, +when I had not the faintest idea of ever writing a book on John Bull, a +young English friend of mine did me the honor of appreciating highly all +my observations on British life and manners, and for years urged me hard +and often to jot them down to make a book of. One day the book was +finished and appeared in print. It attracted a good deal of public +attention, but no one was more surprised than this man, who, from a kind +friend, was promptly transformed into the most severe and unfriendly of +my critics, and went about saying that the book and the amount of public +attention bestowed upon it were both equally ridiculous. He has never +spoken to me since. + +[Illustration: THE MAN WHO LAUGHS.] + +A successful man is very often charged with wishing to turn his back on +his former friends. No accusation is more false. Nothing would please +him more than to retain the friends of more modest times, but it is they +who have changed their feelings. They snub him, and this man, who is in +constant need of moral support and _pick-me-up_, cannot stand it. + + * * * * * + +But let us return to the audience. + +The man who won't smile is not the only person who causes you some +annoyance. + +There is the one who laughs too soon; who laughs before you have made +your points, and who thinks, because you have opened your lecture with a +joke, that everything you say afterward is a joke. There is another +rather objectionable person; it is the one who explains your points to +his neighbor, and makes them laugh aloud just at the moment when you +require complete silence to fire off one of your best remarks. + +There is the old lady who listens to you frowning, and who does not mind +what you are saying, but is all the time shaking for fear of what you +are going to say next. She never laughs before she has seen other people +laugh. Then she thinks she is safe. + +All these I am going to have in America again; that is clear. But I am +now a man of experience. I have lectured in concert rooms, in lecture +halls, in theaters, in churches, in schools. I have addressed embalmed +Britons in English health resorts, petrified English mummies at +hydropathic establishments, and lunatics in private asylums. + +I am ready for the fray. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +A CONNECTICUT AUDIENCE--MERRY MERIDEN--A HARD PULL. + + + _From Meriden, January 8._ + +A Connecticut audience was a new experience to me. Yesterday I had a +crowded room at the Opera House in Meriden; but if you had been behind +the scenery, when I made my appearance on the stage, you would not have +suspected it, for not one of the audience treated me to a little +applause. I was frozen, and so were they. For a quarter of an hour I +proceeded very cautiously, feeling the ground, as it were, as I went on. +By that time, the thaw set in, and they began to smile. I must say that +they had been very attentive from the beginning, and seemed very +interested in the lecture. Encouraged by this, I warmed too. It was +curious to watch that audience. By twos and threes the faces lit up with +amusement till, by and by, the house wore quite an animated aspect. +Presently there was a laugh, then two, then laughter more general. All +the ice was gone. Next, a bold spirit in the stalls ventured some +applause. At his second outburst he had company. The uphill work was +nearly over now, and I began to feel better. The infection spread up to +the circles and the gallery, and at last there came a real good hearty +round of applause. I had "fetched" them after all. But it was tough +work. When once I had them in hand, I took good care not to let them go. + + * * * * * + +I visited several interesting establishments this morning. Merry Meriden +is famous for its manufactories of electro-plated silverware. +Unfortunately I am not yet accustomed to the heated rooms of America, +and I could not stay in the show-rooms more than a few minutes. I should +have thought the heat was strong enough to melt all the goods on view. +This town looks like a bee-hive of activity, with its animated streets, +its electric cars. Dear old Europe! With the exception of a few large +cities, the cars are still drawn by horses, like in the time of +Sesostris and Nebuchadnezzar. + + * * * * * + +On arriving at the station a man took hold of my bag and asked to take +care of it until the arrival of the train. I do not know whether he +belonged to the hotel where I spent the night, or to the railroad +company. Whatever he was, I felt grateful for this wonderful show of +courtesy. + +"I heard you last night at the Opera House," he said to me. + +"Why, were you at the lecture?" + +"Yes, sir, and I greatly enjoyed it." + +"Well, why didn't you laugh sooner?" I said. + +"I wanted to very much!" + +"Why didn't you?" + +[Illustration: "I WAS AT YOUR LECTURE LAST NIGHT."] + +"Well, sir, I couldn't very well laugh before the rest." + +"Why didn't you give the signal?" + +"You see, sir," he said, "we are in Connecticut." + +"Is laughter prohibited by the Statute Book in Connecticut?" I remarked. + +"No, sir, but if you all laugh at the same time, then----" + +"I see, nobody can tell who is the real criminal." + +The train arrived. I shook hands with my friend, after offering him half +a dollar for holding my bag--which he refused--and went on board. + +In the parlor car, I met my kind friend Colonel Charles H. Taylor, +editor of that very successful paper, the Boston _Globe_. We had +luncheon together in the dining car, and time passed delightfully in his +company till we reached the Grand Central station, New York, when we +parted. He was kind enough to make me promise to look him up in Boston +in a fortnight's time, when I make my second appearance in the City of +Culture. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + A TEMPTING OFFER--THE THURSDAY CLUB--BILL NYE--VISIT TO YOUNG LADIES' + SCHOOLS--THE PLAYERS' CLUB. + + + _New York, January 9._ + +On returning here, I found a most curious letter awaiting me. I must +tell you that in Boston, last Monday, I made the following remarks in my +lecture: + +"The American is, I believe, on the road to the possession of all that +can contribute to the well-being and success of a nation, but he seems +to me to have missed the path that leads to real happiness. To live in a +whirl is not to live well. The little French shopkeeper who locks his +shop-door from half-past one, so as not to be disturbed while he is +having his dinner with his wife and family, has come nearer to solving +the great problem of life, 'How to be happy,' than the American who +sticks on his door: 'Gone to dinner, shall be back in five minutes.' You +eat too fast, and I understand why your antidyspeptic pill-makers cover +your walls, your forests even, with their advertisements." + +And I named the firm of pill-makers. + +The letter is from them. They offer me $1000 if I will repeat the +phrase at every lecture I give during my tour in the United States. + +[Illustration: WHERE INDIGESTION IS MANUFACTURED.] + +You may imagine if I will be careful to abstain in the future. + + * * * * * + +I lectured to-night before the members of the Thursday Club--a small, +but very select audience, gathered in the drawing-room of one of the +members. The lecture was followed by a _conversazione_. A very pleasant +evening. + +I left the house at half-past eleven. The night was beautiful. I walked +to the hotel, along Fifth Avenue to Madison Square, and along Broadway +to Union Square. + +What a contrast to the great thoroughfares of London! Thousands of +people here returning from the theaters and enjoying their walks, +instead of being obliged to rush into vehicles to escape the sights +presented at night by the West End streets of London. Here you can walk +at night with your wife and daughter, without the least fear of their +coming into contact with flaunting vice. + + * * * * * + +Excuse a reflection on a subject of a very domestic character. My +clothes have come from the laundress with the bill. + +Now let me give you a sound piece of advice. + +When you go to America, bring with you a dozen shirts. No more. When +these are soiled, buy a new dozen, and so on. You will thus get a supply +of linen for many years to come, and save your washing bills in America, +where the price of a shirt is much the same as the cost of washing it. + + * * * * * + + _January 10._ + +I was glad to see Bill Nye again. He turned up at the Everett House this +morning. I like to gaze at his clean-shaven face, that is seldom broken +by a smile, and to hear his long, melancholy drawl. His lank form, and +his polished dome of thought, as he delights in calling his joke box, +help to make him so droll on the platform. When his audience begins to +scream with laughter, he stops, looks at them in astonishment; the +corners of his mouth drop and an expression of sadness comes over his +face. The effect is irresistible. They shriek for mercy. But they don't +get it. He is accompanied by his own manager, who starts with him for +the north to-night. This manager has no sinecure. I don't think Bill Nye +has ever been found in a depot ready to catch a train. So the manager +takes him to the station, puts him in the right car, gets him out of his +sleeping berth, takes him to the hotel, sees that he is behind the +platform a few minutes before the time announced for the beginning of +the lecture, and generally looks after his comfort. Bill is due in Ohio +to-morrow night, and leaves New York to-night by the Grand Central +Depot. + +"Are you sure it's by the Grand Central?" he said to me. + +"Why, of course, corner of Forty-second Street, a five or ten minutes' +ride from here." + +You should have seen the expression on his face, as he drawled away: + +"How--shall--I--get--there, I--wonder?" + + * * * * * + +This afternoon I paid a most interesting visit to several girls' +schools. The pupils were ordered by the head-mistress, in each case, to +gather in the large room. There they arrived, two by two, to the sound +of a march played on the piano by one of the under-mistresses. When +they had all reached their respective places, two chords were struck on +the instrument, and they all sat down with the precision of the best +drilled Prussian regiment. Then some sang, others recited little poems, +or epigrams--mostly at the expense of men. When, two years ago, I +visited the Normal School for girls in the company of the President of +the Education Board and Colonel Elliott F. Shepard, it was the +anniversary of George Eliot's birth. The pupils, one by one, recited a +few quotations from her works, choosing all she had written against man. + +When the singing and the recitations were over, the mistress requested +me to address a few words to the young ladies. An American is used from +infancy to deliver a speech on the least provocation. I am not. However, +I managed to congratulate these young American girls on their charming +appearance, and to thank them for the pleasure they had afforded me. +Then two chords were struck on the piano and all stood up; two more +chords, and all marched off in double file to the sound of another +march. Not a smile, not a giggle. All these young girls, from sixteen to +twenty, looked at me with modesty, but complete self-assurance, +certainly with far more assurance than I dared look at them. + +Then the mistress asked me to go to the gymnasium. There the girls +arrived and, as solemnly as before, went through all kinds of muscular +exercises. They are never allowed to sit down in the class rooms more +than two hours at a time. They have to go down to the gymnasium every +two hours. + +I was perfectly amazed to see such discipline. These young girls are the +true daughters of a great Republic: self-possessed, self-confident, +dignified, respectful, law-abiding. + +I also visited the junior departments of those schools. In one of them, +eight hundred little girls from five to ten years of age were gathered +together, and, as in the other departments, sang and recited to me. +These young children are taught by the girls of the Normal School, under +the supervision of mistresses. Here teaching is learned by teaching. A +good method. Doctors are not allowed to practice before they have +attended patients in hospitals. Why should people be allowed to teach +before they have attended schools as apprentice teachers? + +I had to give a speech to these dear little ones. I wish I had been able +to give them a kiss instead. + +In my little speech I had occasion to remark that I had arrived in +America only a week before. After I left, it appears that a little girl, +aged about six, went to her mistress and said to her: + +"He's only been here a week! And how beautifully he speaks English +already!" + + * * * * * + +I have been "put up" at the Players' Club by Mr. Edmund Clarence +Stedman, and dined with him there to-night. + +[Illustration: "HOW BEAUTIFULLY HE SPEAKS ENGLISH."] + +This club is the snuggest house I know in New York. Only a few months +old, it possesses treasures such as few clubs a hundred years old +possess. It was a present from Mr. Edwin Booth, the greatest actor +America has produced. He bought the house in Twentieth Street, facing +Gramercy Park, furnished it handsomely and with the greatest taste, and +filled it with all the artistic treasures that he has collected during +his life: portraits of celebrated actors, most valuable old engravings, +photographs with the originals' autographs, china, curios of all sorts, +stage properties, such as the sword used by Macready in _Macbeth_, and +hundreds of such beautiful and interesting souvenirs. On the second +floor is the library, mostly composed of works connected with the drama. + +This club is a perfect gem. + +When in New York, Mr. Booth occupies a suite of rooms on the second +floor, which he has reserved for himself; but he has handed over the +property to the trustees of the club, who, after his death, will become +the sole proprietors of the house and of all its priceless contents. It +was a princely gift, worthy of the prince of actors. The members are all +connected with literature, art, and the drama, and number about one +hundred. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + THE FLOURISHING OF COATS-OF-ARMS IN AMERICA--REFLECTIONS THEREON-- + FOREFATHERS MADE TO ORDER--THE PHONOGRAPH AT HOME--THE WEALTH OF NEW + YORK--DEPARTURE FOR BUFFALO. + + + _New York, January 11._ + +There are in America, as in many other countries of the world, people +who have coats-of-arms, and whose ancestors had no arms to their coats. + +This remark was suggested by the reading of the following paragraph in +the New York _World_ this morning: + + There is growing in this country the rotten influence of rank, pride + of station, contempt for labor, scorn of poverty, worship of caste, + such as we verily believe is growing in no country in the world. What + are the ideals that fill so large a part of the day and generation? + For the boy it is riches; for the girl the marrying of a title. The + ideal of this time in America is vast riches and the trappings of + rank. It is good that proper scorn should be expressed of such ideals. + +American novelists, journalists, and preachers are constantly upbraiding +and ridiculing their countrywomen for their love of titled foreigners; +but the society women of the great Republic only love the foreign lords +all the more; and I have heard some of them openly express their +contempt of a form of government whose motto is one of the clauses of +the great Declaration of Independence: "All men are created equal." I +really believe that if the society women of America had their own way, +they would set up a monarchy to-morrow, in the hope of seeing an +aristocracy established as the sequel of it. + +[Illustration: A TITLE.] + +President Garfield once said that the only real coats-of-arms in America +were shirt-sleeves. The epigram is good, but not based on truth, as +every epigram should be. Labor in the States is not honorable for its +own sake, but only if it brings wealth. President Garfield's epigram +"fetched" the crowd, no doubt, as any smart democratic or humanitarian +utterance will anywhere, whether it be emitted from the platform, the +stage, the pulpit, or the hustings; but if any American philosopher +heard it, he must have smiled. + +A New York friend who called on me this morning, and with whom I had a +chat on this subject, assured me that there is now such a demand in the +States for pedigrees, heraldic insignia, mottoes, and coronets, that it +has created a new industry. He also informed me that almost every +American city has a college of heraldry, which will provide unbroken +lines of ancestors, and make to order a new line of forefathers "of the +most approved pattern, with suitable arms, etc." + +Addison's prosperous foundling, who ordered at the second-hand +picture-dealer's "a complete set of ancestors," is, according to my +friend, a typical personage to be met with in the States nowadays. + + * * * * * + +Bah! after all, every country has her snobs. Why should America be an +exception to the rule? When I think of the numberless charming people I +have met in this country, I may as well leave it to the Europeans who +have come in contact with American snobs to speak about them, inasmuch +as the subject is not particularly entertaining. + +What amuses me much more here is the effect of democracy on what we +Europeans would call the lower classes. + +A few days ago, in a hotel, I asked a porter if my trunk had arrived +from the station and had been taken to my room. + +"I don't know," he said majestically; "you ask that gentleman." + +The gentleman pointed out to me was the negro who looks after the +luggage in the establishment. + +In the papers you may read in the advertisement columns: "Washing wanted +by a lady at such and such address." + +[Illustration: THE NEW YORK CABMAN.] + +The cabman will ask, "If you are the _man_ as wants a _gentleman_ to +drive him to the _deepo_." + +During an inquiry concerning the work-house at Cambridge, Mass., a +witness spoke of the "ladies' cells," as being all that should be +desired. + +Democracy, such is thy handiwork! + + * * * * * + +I went to the Stock Exchange in Wall Street at one o'clock. I thought +that Whitechapel, on Saturday night, was beyond competition as a scene +of rowdyism. I have now altered this opinion. I am still wondering +whether I was not guyed by my pilot, and whether I was not shown the +playground of a madhouse, at the time when all the most desperate +lunatics are let loose. + +After lunch I went to Falk's photograph studio to be taken, and read the +first page of "Jonathan and His Continent," into his phonograph. +Marvelous, this phonograph! I imagine Mr. Falk has the best collection +of cylinders in the world. I heard a song by Patti, the piano played by +Von Buelow, speeches, orchestras, and what not! The music is reproduced +most faithfully. With the voice the instrument is not quite so +successful. Instead of your own voice, you fancy you hear an imitation +of it by Punch. All the same, it seems to me to be the wonder of the +age. + +After paying a few calls, and dining quietly at the Everett House, I +went to the Metropolitan Opera House, and saw "The Barber of Bagdad." +Cornelius's music is Wagnerian in aim, but I did not carry away with me +a single bar of all I heard. After all, this is perhaps the aim of +Wagnerian music. + +What a sight is the Metropolitan Opera House, with its boxes full of +lovely women, arrayed in gorgeous garments, and blazing with diamonds! +What luxury! What wealth is gathered there! + +How interesting it would be to know the exact amount of wealth of which +New York can boast! In this morning's papers I read that land on Fifth +Avenue has lately sold for $115 a square foot. In an acre of land there +are 43,560 square feet, which at $115 a foot would be $5,009,400 an +acre. Just oblige me by thinking of it! + + * * * * * + + _January 12._ + +Went to the Catholic Cathedral at eleven. A mass by Haydn was splendidly +rendered by full orchestra and admirable chorus. The altar was a blaze +of candles. The yellow of the lights and the plain mauve of two +windows, one on each side of the candles, gave a most beautiful +crocus-bed effect. I enjoyed the service. + +In the evening I dined with Mr. Lloyd Bryce, editor of the _North +American Review_, at the splendid residence of his father-in-law, Mr. +Cooper, late Mayor of New York. Mrs. Lloyd Bryce is one of the +handsomest American women I have met, and a most charming and graceful +hostess. I reluctantly left early so as to prepare for my night journey +to Buffalo. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + DIFFERENT WAYS OF ADVERTISING A LECTURE--AMERICAN IMPRESARIOS AND + THEIR METHODS. + + + _Buffalo, January 13._ + +When you intend to give a lecture anywhere, and you wish it to be a +success, it is a mistake to make a mystery of it. + +On arriving here this morning, I found that my coming had been kept +perfectly secret. + +Perhaps my impresario wishes my audience to be very select, and has sent +only private circulars to the intelligent, well-to-do inhabitants of the +place--or, I said to myself, perhaps the house is all sold, and he has +no need of any further advertisements. + +I should very much like to know. + + * * * * * + +Sometimes, however, it is a mistake to advertise a lecture too widely. +You run the risk of getting the wrong people. + +A few years ago, in Dundee, a little corner gallery, placed at the end +of the hall where I was to speak, was thrown open to the public at +sixpence. I warned the manager that I was no attraction for the sixpenny +public; but he insisted on having his own way. + +The hall was well filled, but not the little gallery, where I counted +about a dozen people. Two of these, however, did not remain long, and, +after the lecture, I was told that they had gone to the box-office and +asked to have their money returned to them. "Why," they said, "it's a +d---- swindle; it's only a man talking." + +The man at the box-office was a Scotchman, and it will easily be +understood that the two sixpences remained in the hands of the +management. + + * * * * * + +I can well remember how startled I was, two years ago, on arriving in an +American town where I was to lecture, to see the walls covered with +placards announcing my lecture thus: "He is coming, ah, ha!" And after I +had arrived, new placards were stuck over the old ones: "He has arrived, +ah, ha!" + +In another American town I was advertised as "the best paying platform +celebrity in the world." In another, in the following way: "If you would +grow fat and happy, go and hear Max O'Rell to-night." + +One of my Chicago lectures was advertised thus: "Laughter is restful. If +you desire to feel as though you had a vacation for a week, do not fail +to attend this lecture." + +I was once fortunate enough to deal with a local manager who, before +sending it to the newspapers, submitted to my approbation the following +advertisement, of which he was very proud. I don't know whether it was +his own literary production, or whether he had borrowed it of a showman +friend. Here it is: + + TWO HOURS OF UNALLOYED FUN AND HAPPINESS + + Will put two inches of solid fat even upon the ribs of the most + cadaverous old miser. Everybody shouts peals of laughter as the rays + of fun are emitted from this famous son of merry-makers. + + +[Illustration: AS JOHN BULL.] + +I threatened to refuse to appear if the advertisement was inserted in +the papers. This manager later gave his opinion that, as a lecturer, I +was good, but that as a man, I was a little bit "stuck-up." + +When you arrive in an American town to lecture, you find the place +flooded with your pictures, huge lithographs stuck on the walls, on the +shop windows, in your very hotel entrance hall. Your own face stares at +you everywhere, you are recognized by everybody. You have to put up with +it. If you love privacy, peace, and quiet, don't go to America on a +lecturing tour. That is what your impresario will tell you. + + * * * * * + +In each town where you go, you have a local manager to "boss the show"; +as he has to pay you a certain fee, which he guarantees, you cannot find +fault with him for doing his best to have a large audience. He runs +risks; you do not. Suppose, for instance, you are engaged, not by a +society for a fee, but by a manager on sharing terms, say sixty per +cent. of the gross receipts for you and forty for himself. Suppose his +local expenses amount to $200; he has to bring $500 into the house +before there is a cent for himself. You must forgive him if he goes +about the place beating the big drum. If you do not like it, there is a +place where you can stay--home. + + * * * * * + +An impresario once asked me if I required a piano, and if I would bring +my own accompanist. Another wrote to ask the subject of my +"entertainment." + +[Illustration: AS SANDY.] + +I wrote back to say that my lecture was generally found entertaining, +but that I objected to its being called an entertainment. I added that +the lecture was composed of four character sketches, viz., John Bull, +Sandy, Pat, and Jonathan. + +[Illustration: AS PAT.] + +In his answer to this, he inquired whether I should change my dress four +times during the performance, and whether it would not be a good thing +to have a little music during the intervals. + +Just fancy my appearing on the platform successively dressed as John, +Sandy, Pat, and Jonathan! + + * * * * * + +A good impresario is constantly on the look out for anything that may +draw the attention of the public to his entertainment. Nothing is sacred +for him. His eyes and ears are always open, all his senses on the alert. + +One afternoon I was walking with my impresario over the beautiful +Clifton Suspension Bridge. I was to lecture at the Victoria Hall, +Bristol, in the evening. We leaned on the railings, and grew pensive as +we looked at the scenery and the abyss under us. + +My impresario sighed. + +"What are you thinking about?" I said to him. + +[Illustration: AS JONATHAN.] + +"Last year," he replied, "a girl tried to commit suicide and jumped over +this bridge; but the wind got under her skirt, made a parachute of it, +and she descended to the bottom of the valley perfectly unhurt." + +[Illustration: THE WOULD-BE SUICIDE.] + +And he sighed again. + +"Well," said I, "why do you sigh?" + +"Ah! my dear fellow, if you could do the same this afternoon, there +would be 'standing room only' in the Victoria Hall to-night." + +I left that bridge in no time. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + BUFFALO--THE NIAGARA FALLS--A FROST--ROCHESTER TO THE RESCUE OF + BUFFALO--CLEVELAND--I MEET JONATHAN--PHANTASMAGORIA. + + + _Buffalo, January 14._ + +This town is situated twenty-seven miles from Niagara Falls. The +Americans say that the Buffalo people can hear the noise of the +water-fall quite distinctly. I am quite prepared to believe it. However, +an hour's journey by rail and then a quarter of an hour's sleigh ride +will take you from Buffalo within sight of this, perhaps the grandest +piece of scenery in the world. Words cannot describe it. You spend a +couple of hours visiting every point of view. You are nailed, as it +were, to the ground, feeling like a pigmy, awestruck in the presence of +nature at her grandest. The snow was falling thickly, and though it made +the view less clear, it added to the grandeur of the scene. + +I went down by the cable car to a level with the rapids and the place +where poor Captain Webb was last seen alive; a presumptuous pigmy, he, +to dare such waters as these. His widow keeps a little bazaar near the +falls and sells souvenirs to the visitors. + +It was most thrilling to stand within touching distance of that great +torrent of water, called the Niagara Falls, in distinction to the +Horseshoe Falls, to hear the roar of it as it fell. The idea of force it +gives one is tremendous. You stand and wonder how many ages it has been +roaring on, what eyes besides your own have gazed awestruck at its +mighty rushing, and wonder if the pigmies will ever do what they say +they will; one day make those columns of water their servants to turn +wheels at their bidding. + +[Illustration: SHOOTING THE RAPIDS.] + +We crossed the bridge over to the Canadian side, and there we had the +whole grand panorama before our eyes. + +It appears that it is quite a feasible thing to run the rapids in a +barrel. Girls have done it, and it may become the fashionable sport for +American girls in the near future. It has been safely accomplished +plenty of times by young fellows up for an exciting day's sport. + +On the Canadian shore was a pretty villa where Princess Louise stayed +while she painted the scene. Some of the pretty houses were fringed all +round the roofs and balconies in the loveliest way, with icicles a yard +long, and loaded with snow. They looked most beautiful. + +On the way back we called at Prospect House, a charming hotel which I +hope, if ever I go near Buffalo again, I shall put up at for a day or +two, to see the neighborhood well. + +Two years ago I was lucky enough to witness a most curious sight. The +water was frozen under the falls, and a natural bridge, formed by the +ice, was being used by venturesome people to cross the Niagara River on. +This occurs very seldom. + + * * * * * + +I have had a fizzle to-night. I almost expected it. In a hall that could +easily have accommodated fifteen hundred people, I lectured to an +audience of about three hundred. Fortunately they proved so intelligent, +warm, and appreciative that I did not feel at all depressed; but my +impresario did. However, he congratulated me on having been able to do +justice to the _causerie_, as if I had had a bumper house. + +I must own that it is much easier to be a tragedian than a light +comedian before a $200 house. + + * * * * * + + _Cleveland, O., January 15._ + +The weather is so bad that I shall be unable to see anything of this +city, which, people tell me, is very beautiful. + +On arriving at the Weddell House, I met a New York friend. + +"Well," said he, "how are you getting on? Where do you come from?" + +"From Buffalo," said I, pulling a long face. + +"What is the matter? Don't you like the Buffalo people?" + +"Yes; I liked those I saw. I should have liked to extend my love to a +larger number. I had a fizzle; about three hundred people. Perhaps I +drew all the brain of Buffalo." + +"How many people do you say you had in the hall?" said my friend. + +"About three hundred." + +"Then you must have drawn a good many people from Rochester, I should +think," said he quite solemnly. + +In reading the Buffalo newspapers this morning, I noticed favorable +criticisms of my lecture; but while my English was praised, so far as +the language went, severe comments were passed on my pronunciation. In +England, where the English language is spoken with a decent +pronunciation, I never once read a condemnation of my pronunciation of +the English language. + +I will not appear again in Buffalo until I feel much improved. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GOING TO PITTSBURG, I GUESS."] + + _En route to Pittsburg, January 16._ + +The American railway stations have special waiting rooms for +ladies--not, as in England, places furnished with looking-glasses, where +they can go and arrange their bonnets, etc. No, no. Places where they +can wait for the trains, protected against the contamination of man, and +where they are spared the sight of that eternal little round piece of +furniture with which the floors of the whole of the United States are +dotted. + +At Cleveland Station, this morning, I met Jonathan, such as he is +represented in the comic papers of the world. A man of sixty, with long +straight white hair falling over his shoulders; no mustache, long +imperial beard, a razor-blade-shaped nose, small keen eyes, and high +prominent cheek-bones, the whole smoking the traditional cigar; the +Anglo-Saxon indianized--Jonathan. If he had had a long swallow-tail coat +on, a waistcoat ornamented with stars, and trowsers with stripes, he +might have sat for the cartoons of _Puck_ or _Judge_. + +In the car, Jonathan came and sat opposite me. A few minutes after the +train had started, he said: + +"Going to Pittsburg, I guess." + +"Yes," I replied. + +"To lecture?" + +"Oh, you know I lecture?" + +"Why, certainly; I heard you in Boston ten days ago." + +He offered me a cigar, told me his name--I mean his three names--what he +did, how much he earned, where he lived, how many children he had; he +read me a poem of his own composition, invited me to go and see him, and +entertained me for three hours and a half, telling me the history of his +life, etc. Indeed, it was Jonathan. + + * * * * * + +All the Americans I have met have written a poem (pronounced _pome_). +Now I am not generalizing. I do not say that all the Americans have +written a poem, I say _all the Americans I have met_. + + * * * * * + + _Pittsburg (same day later)._ + +I lecture here to-night under the auspices of the Press Club of the +town. The president of the club came to meet me at the station, in order +to show me something of the town. + +I like Pittsburg very much. From the top of the hill, which you reach in +a couple of minutes by the cable car, there is a most beautiful sight to +contemplate: one never to be forgotten. + +On our way to the hotel, my kind friend took me to a fire station, and +asked the man in command of the place to go through the performance of a +fire-call for my own edification. + +Now, in two words, here is the thing. + +You touch the fire bell in your own house. That causes the name of your +street and the number of your house to appear in the fire station; it +causes all the doors of the station to open outward. Wait a minute--it +causes whips which are hanging behind the horses, to lash them and send +them under harnesses that fall upon them and are self-adjusting; it +causes the men, who are lying down on the first floor, to slide down an +incline and fall on the box and steps of the cart. And off they gallop. +It takes about two minutes to describe it as quickly as possible. It +only takes fourteen seconds to do it. It is the nearest approach to +phantasmagoria that I have yet seen in real life. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + A GREAT ADMIRER--NOTES ON RAILWAY TRAVELING--IS AMERICA A FREE + NATION?--A PLEASANT EVENING IN NEW YORK. + + + _In the vestibule train from Pittsburg to New York, January 17._ + +This morning, before leaving the hotel in Pittsburg, I was approached by +a young man who, after giving me his card, thanked me most earnestly for +my lecture of last night. In fact, he nearly embraced me. + +"I never enjoyed myself so much in my life," he said. + +I grasped his hand. + +"I am glad," I replied, "that my humble effort pleased you so much. +Nothing is more gratifying to a lecturer than to know he has afforded +pleasure to his audience." + +"Yes," he said, "it gave me immense pleasure. You see, I am engaged to +be married to a girl in town. All her family went to your show, and I +had the girl at home all to myself. Oh! I had such a good time! Thank +you so much! Do lecture here again soon." + +And, after wishing me a pleasant journey, he left me. I was glad to +know I left at least one friend and admirer behind me in Pittsburg. + + * * * * * + +I had a charming audience last night, a large and most appreciative one. +I was introduced by Mr. George H. Welshons, of the Pittsburg _Times_, in +a neat little speech, humorous and very gracefully worded. After the +lecture, I was entertained at supper in the rooms of the Press Club, and +thoroughly enjoyed myself with the members. As I entered the Club, I was +amused to see two journalists, who had heard me at the lecture discourse +on chewing, go to a corner of the room, and there get rid of their +_wads_, before coming to shake hands with me. + + * * * * * + +If you have not journeyed in a vestibule train of the Pennsylvania +Railroad Company, you do not know what it is to travel in luxurious +comfort. Dining saloon, drawing room, smoking room, reading room with +writing tables, supplied with the papers and a library of books, all +furnished with exquisite taste and luxury. The cookery is good and well +served. + +The day has passed without adventures, but in comfort. We left Pittsburg +at seven in the morning. At nine we passed Johnstown. The terrible +calamity that befell that city two years ago was before my mind's eye; +the town suddenly inundated, the people rushing on the bridge, and there +caught and burnt alive. America is the country for great disasters. +Everything here is on a huge scale. Toward noon, the country grew hilly, +and, for an hour before we reached Harrisburg, it gave me great +enjoyment, for in America, where there is so much sameness in the +landscapes, it is a treat to see the mountains of Central Pennsylvania +breaking the monotony of the huge flat stretch of land. + +The employees (I must be careful not to say "servants") of the +Pennsylvania Railroad are polite and form an agreeable contrast to those +of the other railway companies. Unhappily, the employees whom you find +on board the Pullman cars are not in the control of the company. + + * * * * * + +The train will reach Jersey City for New York at seven to-night. I shall +dine at my hotel. + +About 5.30 it occurred to me to go to the dining-room car and ask for a +cup of tea. Before entering the car I stopped at the lavatory to wash my +hands. Some one was using the basin. It was the conductor, the autocrat +in charge of the dining car, a fat, sleek, chewing, surly, frowning, +snarling cur. + +He turned round. + +"What do you want?" said he. + +"I should very much like to wash my hands," I timidly ventured. + +"You see very well I am using the basin. You go to the next car." + +I came to America this time with a large provision of philosophy, and +quite determined to even enjoy such little scenes as this. So I quietly +went to the next lavatory, returned to the dining-car, and sat down at +one of the tables. + +"Will you, please, give me a cup of tea?" I said to one of the colored +waiters. + +"I can't do dat, sah," said the negro. "You can have dinnah." + +"But I don't want _dinnah_," I replied; "I want a cup of tea." + +"Den you must ask dat gem'man if you can have it," said he, pointing to +the above mentioned "gentleman." + +I went to him. + +"Excuse me," said I, "are you the nobleman who runs this show?" + +He frowned. + +"I don't want to dine; I should like to have a cup of tea." + +He frowned a little more, and deigned to hear my request to the end. + +"Can I?" I repeated. + +He spoke not; he brought his eyebrows still lower down, and solemnly +shook his head. + +"Can't I really?" I continued. + +At last he spoke. + +"You can," quoth he, "for a dollar." + +And, taking the bill of fare in his hands, without wasting any more of +his precious utterances, he pointed out to me: + +"Each meal one dollar." + +The argument was unanswerable. + +I went back to my own car, resumed my seat, and betook myself to +reflection. + +What I cannot, for the life of me, understand is why, in a train which +has a dining car and a kitchen, a man cannot be served with a cup of +tea, unless he pays the price of a dinner for it, and this +notwithstanding the fact of his having paid five dollars extra to enjoy +the extra luxury of this famous vestibule train. + +[Illustration: "WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT?"] + +After all, this is one out of the many illustrations one could give to +show that whatever Jonathan is, he is not the master in his own house. + +The Americans are the most docile people in the world. They are the +slaves of their servants, whether these are high officials, or the +"reduced duchesses" of domestic service. They are so submitted to their +lot that they seem to find it quite natural. + +The Americans are lions governed by bull-dogs and asses. + +They have given themselves a hundred thousand masters, these folks who +laugh at monarchies, for example, and scorn the rule of a king, as if it +were better to be bullied by a crowd than by an individual. + +In America, the man who pays does not command the paid. I have already +said it; I will maintain the truth of the statement that, in America, +the paid servant rules. Tyranny from above is bad; tyranny from below is +worse. + +Of my many first impressions that have deepened into convictions, this +is one of the firmest. + +When you arrive at an English railway station, all the porters seem to +say: "Here is a customer, let us treat him well." And it is who shall +relieve you of your luggage, or answer any questions you may be pleased +to ask. They are glad to see you. + +In America, you may have a dozen parcels, not a hand will move to help +you with them. So Jonathan is obliged to forego the luxury of hand +baggage, so convenient for long journeys. + +When you arrive at an American station, the officials are all frowning +and seem to say: "Why the deuce don't you go to Chicago by some other +line instead of coming here to bother us?" + +[Illustration: ENGLISH RAILWAY STATION.] + +This subject reminds me of an interesting fact, told me by Mr. Chauncey +M. Depew on board the _Teutonic_. When tram-cars were first used in the +States, it was a long time before the drivers and conductors would +consent to wear any kind of uniform, so great is the horror of anything +like a badge of paid servitude. Now that they do wear some kind of +uniform, they spend their time in standing sentry at the door of their +dignity, and in thinking that, if they were polite, you would take their +affable manners for servility. + +[Illustration: THE RAILWAY PORTER.] + + * * * * * + + _Everett House, New York. (Midnight.)_ + +So many charming houses have opened their hospitable doors to me in New +York that, when I am in this city, I have soon forgotten the little +annoyances of a railway journey or the hardships of a lecture tour. + +After dining here, I went to spend the evening at the house of Mr. +Richard Watson Gilder, the poet, and editor of the _Century Magazine_, +that most successful of all magazines in the world. A circulation of +nearly 300,000 copies--just think of it! But it need not excite wonder +in any one who knows this beautiful and artistic periodical, to which +all the leading _litterateurs_ of America lend their pens, and the best +artists their pencils. + +Mrs. Richard Watson Gilder is one of the best and most genial hostesses +in New York. At her Fridays, one meets the cream of intellectual +society, the best known names of the American aristocracy of talent. + +To-night I met Mr. Frank R. Stockton, the novelist, Mr. Charles Webb, +the humorist, Mr. Frank Millet, the painter, and his wife, and a galaxy +of celebrities and beautiful women, all most interesting and delightful +people to meet. Conversation went on briskly all over the rooms till +late. + +The more I see of the American women, the more confirmed I become in my +impression that they are typical; more so than the men. They are like no +other women I know. The brilliancy of their conversation, the animation +of their features, the absence of affectation in their manners, make +them unique. There are no women to compare to them in a drawing-room. +There are none with whom I feel so much at ease. Their beauty, +physically speaking, is great; but you are still more struck by their +intellectual beauty, the frankness of their eyes, and the naturalness of +their bearing. + +I returned to the Everett House, musing all the way on the difference +between the American women and the women of France and England. The +theme was attractive, and, remembering that to-morrow would be an +off-day for me, I resolved to spend it in going more fully into this +fascinating subject with pen and ink. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + NOTES ON AMERICAN WOMEN--COMPARISONS--HOW MEN TREAT WOMEN AND VICE + VERSA--SCENES AND ILLUSTRATIONS. + + + _New York, January 18._ + +A man was one day complaining to a friend that he had been married +twenty years without being able to understand his wife. "You should not +complain of that," remarked the friend. "I have been married to my wife +two years only, and I understand her perfectly." + +The leaders of thought in France have long ago proclaimed that woman was +the only problem it was not given to man to solve. They have all tried, +and they have all failed. They all acknowledge it--but they are trying +still. + +Indeed, the interest that woman inspires in every Frenchman is never +exhausted. Parodying Terence, he says to himself, "I am a man, and all +that concerns woman interests me." All the French modern novels are +studies, analytical, dissecting studies, of woman's heart. + +To the Anglo-Saxon mind, this may sometimes appear a trifle puerile, if +not also ridiculous. But to understand this feeling, one must remember +how a Frenchman is brought up. + +In England, boys and girls meet and play together; in America and +Canada, they sit side by side on the same benches at school, not only as +children of tender age, but at College and in the Universities. They get +accustomed to each other's company; they see nothing strange in being in +contact with one another, and this naturally tends to reduce the +interest or curiosity one sex takes in the other. But in France they are +apart, and the ball-room is the only place where they can meet when they +have attained the age of twenty! + +Strange to reflect that young people of both sexes can meet in +ball-rooms without exciting their parents' suspicions, and that they +cannot do so in class-rooms! + +When I was a boy at school in France, I can well remember how we boys +felt on the subject. If we heard that a young girl, say the sister of +some school-fellow, was with her mother in the common parlor to see her +brother, why, it created a commotion, a perfect revolution in the whole +establishment. It was no use trying to keep us in order. We would climb +on the top of the seats or of the tables to endeavor to see something of +her, even if it were but the top of her hat, or a bit of her gown across +the recreation yard at the very end of the building. It was an event. +Many of us would even immediately get inspired and compose verses +addressed to the unknown fair visitor. In these poetical effusions we +would imagine the young girl carried off by some miscreant, and we would +fly to her rescue, save her, and throw ourselves at her feet to receive +her hand as our reward. Yes, we would get quite romantic or, in plain +English, quite silly. We could not imagine that a woman was a reasoning +being with whom you can talk on the topics of the day, or have an +ordinary conversation on any ordinary subject. To us a woman was a being +with whom you can only talk of love, or fall in love, or, maybe, for +whom you may die of love. + +This manner of training young men goes a long way toward explaining the +position of woman in France as well as her ways. It explains why a +Frenchman and a Frenchwoman, when they converse together, seldom can +forget that one is a man and the other a woman. It does not prove that a +Frenchwoman must necessarily be, and is, affected in her relations with +men; but it explains why she does not feel, as the American woman does, +that a man and woman can enjoy a _tete-a-tete_ free from all those +commonplace flatteries, compliments, and platitudes that +badly-understood gallantry suggests. Many American ladies have made me +forget, by the easiness of their manner and the charm and naturalness of +their conversation, that I was speaking with women, and with lovely +ones, too. This I could never have forgotten in the company of French +ladies. + +On account of this feeling, and perhaps also of the difference which +exists between the education received by a man and that received by a +woman in France, the conversation will always be on some light topics, +literary, artistic, dramatic, social, or other. Indeed, it would be most +unbecoming for a man to start a very serious subject of conversation +with a French lady to whom he had just been introduced. He would be +taken for a pedant or a man of bad breeding. + +In America, men and women receive practically the same education, and +this of course enlarges the circle of conversation between the sexes. I +shall always remember a beautiful American girl, not more than twenty +years of age, to whom I was once introduced in New York, as she was +giving to a lady sitting next to her a most detailed description of the +latest bonnet invented in Paris, and who, turning toward me, asked me +point-blank if I had read M. Ernest Renan's "History of the People of +Israel." I had to confess that I had not yet had time to read it. But +she had, and she gave me, without the remotest touch of affectation or +pedantry, a most interesting and learned analysis of that remarkable +work. I related this incident in "Jonathan and his Continent." On +reading it, some of my countrymen, critics and others, exclaimed: "We +imagine the fair American girl had a pair of gold spectacles on." + +"No, my dear compatriots, nothing of the sort. No gold spectacles, no +guy. It was a beautiful girl, dressed with most exquisite taste and +care, and most charming and womanly." + +An American woman, however learned she may be, is a sound politician, +and she knows that the best thing she can make of herself is a woman, +and she remains a woman. She will always make herself as attractive as +she possibly can. Not to please men--I believe she has a great contempt +for them--but to please herself. If, in a French drawing-room, I were to +remark to a lady how clever some woman in the room looked, she would +probably closely examine that woman's dress to find out what I thought +was wrong about it. It would probably be the same in England, but not +in America. + +A Frenchwoman will seldom be jealous of another woman's cleverness. She +will far more readily forgive her this qualification than beauty. And in +this particular point, it is probable that the Frenchwoman resembles all +the women in the Old World. + + * * * * * + +Of all the ladies I have met, I have no hesitation in declaring that the +American ones are the least affected. With them, I repeat it, I feel at +ease as I do with no other women in the world. + +With whom but an _Americaine_ would the following little scene have been +possible? + +I was in Boston. It was Friday, and knowing it to be the reception day +of Mrs. X., an old friend of mine and my wife's, I thought I would call +upon her early, before the crowd of visitors had begun to arrive. So I +went to the house about half-past three in the afternoon. Mrs. X. +received me in the drawing-room, and we were soon talking on the hundred +and one topics that old friends have on their tongue tips. Presently the +conversation fell on love and lovers. Mrs. X. drew her chair up a little +nearer to the fire, put the toes of her little slippers on the fender +stool, and with a charmingly confidential, but perfectly natural, +manner, said: + +"You are married and love your wife; I am married and love my husband; +we are both artists, let's have our say out." + +And we proceeded to have our say out. + +But all at once I noticed that about half an inch of the seam of her +black silk bodice was unsewn. We men, when we see a lady with something +awry in her toilette, how often do we long to say to her: "Excuse me, +madam, but perhaps you don't know that you have a hairpin sticking out +two inches just behind your ear," or "Pardon me, Miss, I'm a married +man, there is something wrong there behind, just under your waist belt." + +Now I felt for Mrs. X., who was just going to receive a crowd of callers +with a little rent in one of her bodice seams, and tried to persuade +myself to be brave and tell her of it. Yet I hesitated. People take +things so differently. The conversation went on unflagging. At last I +could not stand it any longer. + +"Mrs. X.," said I, all in a breath, "you are married and love your +husband; I am married and love my wife; we are both artists; there is a +little bit of seam come unsewn, just there by your arm, run and get it +sewn up!" + +The peals of laughter that I heard going on upstairs, while the damage +was being repaired, proved to me that there was no resentment to be +feared, but, on the contrary, that I had earned the gratitude of Mrs. X. + + * * * * * + +In many respects I have often been struck with the resemblance which +exists between French and American women. When I took my first walk on +Broadway, New York, on a fine afternoon some two years and a half ago, I +can well remember how I exclaimed: "Why, this is Paris, and all these +ladies are _Parisiennes_!" It struck me as being the same type of face, +the same animation of features, the same brightness of the eyes, the +same self-assurance, the same attractive plumpness in women over thirty. +To my mind, I was having a walk on my own Boulevards (every Parisian +_owns_ that place). The more I became acquainted with American ladies, +the more forcibly this resemblance struck me. This was not a mere first +impression. It has been, and is still, a deep conviction; so much so +that whenever I returned to New York from a journey of some weeks in the +heart of the country, I felt as if I was returning home. + +After a short time, a still closer resemblance between the women of the +two countries will strike a Frenchman most forcibly. It is the same +_finesse_, the same suppleness of mind, the same wonderful adaptability. +Place a little French milliner in a good drawing-room for an hour, and +at the end of that time she will behave, talk, and walk like any lady in +the room. Suppose an American, married below his _status_ in society, is +elected President of the United States, I believe, at the end of a week, +this wife of his would do the honors of the White House with the ease +and grace of a highborn lady. + +In England it is just the contrary. + +Of course good society is good society everywhere. The ladies of the +English aristocracy are perfect queens; but the Englishwoman, who was +not born a lady, will seldom become a lady, and I believe this is why +_mesalliances_ are more scarce in England than in America, and +especially in France. I could name many Englishmen at the head of their +professions, who cannot produce their wives in society because these +women have not been able to raise themselves to the level of their +husbands' station in life. The Englishwoman, as a rule, has no faculty +for fitting herself for a higher position than the one she was born in; +like a rabbit, she will often taste of the cabbage she fed on. And I am +bound to add that this is perhaps a quality, and proves the truthfulness +of her character. She is no actress. + +In France, the _mesalliance_, though not relished by parents, is not +feared so much, because they know the young woman will observe and +study, and very soon fit herself for her new position. + +And while on this subject of _mesalliance_, why not try to destroy an +absurd prejudice that exists in almost every country on the subject of +France? + +It is, I believe, the firm conviction of foreigners that Frenchmen marry +for money, that is to say, that all Frenchmen marry for money. As a +rule, when people discuss foreign social topics, they have a wonderful +faculty for generalization. + +The fact that many Frenchmen do marry for money is not to be denied, and +the explanation of it is this: We have in France a number of men +belonging to a class almost unknown in other countries, small +_bourgeois_ of good breeding and genteel habits, but relatively poor, +who occupy posts in the different Government offices. Their name is +legion and their salary something like two thousand francs ($400). These +men have an appearance to keep up, and, unless a wife brings them enough +to at least double their income, they cannot marry. These young men are +often sought after by well-to-do parents for their daughters, because +they are steady, cultured, gentlemanly, and occupy an honorable +position, which brings them a pension for their old age. With the wife's +dowry, the couple can easily get along, and lead a peaceful, uneventful, +and happy jog-trot life, which is the great aim of the majority of the +French people. + +But, on the other hand, there is no country where you will see so many +cases of _mesalliance_ as France, and this alone should dispose of the +belief that Frenchmen marry for money. Indeed, it is a most common thing +for a young Frenchman of good family to fall in love with a girl of a +much lower station of life than his own, to court her, at first with +perhaps only the idea of killing time or of starting a _liaison_, to +soon discover that the girl is highly respectable, and to finally marry +her. This is a most common occurrence. French parents frown on this sort +of thing, and do their best to discourage it, of course; but rather than +cross their son's love, they give their consent, and trust to that +adaptability of Frenchwomen, of which I was speaking just now, to raise +herself to her husband's level and make a wife he will never be ashamed +of. + + * * * * * + +The Frenchman is the slave of his womankind, but not in the same way as +the American is. The Frenchman is brought up by his mother, and remains +under her sway till she dies. When he marries, his wife leads him by the +nose (an operation which he seems to enjoy), and when, besides, he has a +daughter, on whom he generally dotes, this lady soon joins the other two +in ruling this easy-going, good-humored man. As a rule, when you see a +Frenchman, you behold a man who is kept in order by three generations +of women: mother, wife, and daughter. + +The American will lavish attention and luxury on his wife and daughters, +but he will save them the trouble of being mixed in his affairs. His +business is his, his office is private. His womankind is the sun and +glory of his life, whose company he will hasten to enjoy as soon as he +can throw away the cares of his business. In France, a wife is a +partner, a cashier who takes care of the money, even an adviser on stock +and speculations. In the mercantile class, she is both cashier and +bookkeeper. Enter a shop in France, Paris included, and behind "Pay +Here," you will see Madame, smiling all over as she pockets the money +for the purchase you have made. When I said she is a partner, I might +safely have said that she is the active partner, and, as a rule, by far +the shrewder of the two. She brings to bear her native suppleness, her +fascinating little ways, her persuasive manners, and many a customer +whom her husband was allowing to go away without a purchase, has been +brought back by the wife, and induced to part with his cash in the shop. +Last year I went to Paris, on my way home from Germany, to spend a few +days visiting the Exposition. One day I entered a shop on the Boulevards +to buy a white hat. The new-fashioned hats, the only hats which the man +showed me, were narrow-brimmed, and I declined to buy one. I was just +going to leave, when the wife, who, from the back parlor, had listened +to my conversation with her husband, stepped in and said: "But, Adolphe, +why do you let Monsieur go? Perhaps he does not care to follow the +fashion. We have a few white broad-brimmed hats left from last year +that we can let Monsieur have _a bon compte_. They are upstairs, go and +fetch them." And, sure enough, there was one which fitted and pleased +me, and I left in that shop a little sum of twenty-five francs, which +the husband was going to let me take elsewhere, but which the wife +managed to secure for the firm. + +[Illustration: MADAM IS THE CASHIER.] + +No one who has lived in France has failed to be struck with the +intelligence of the women, and there exist few Frenchmen who do not +readily admit how intellectually inferior they are to their +countrywomen, chiefly among the middle and lower classes. And this is +not due to any special training, for the education received by the women +of that class is of the most limited kind; they are taught to read, +write, and reckon, and their education is finished. Shrewdness is inborn +in them, as well as a peculiar talent for getting a hundred cents' worth +for every dollar they spend. How to make a house look pretty and +attractive with small outlay; how to make a dress or turn out a bonnet +with a few knick-knacks; how to make a savory dish out of a small +remnant of beef, mutton, and veal; all that is a science not to be +despised when a husband, in receipt of a four or five hundred dollar +salary, wants to make a good dinner, and see his wife look pretty. No +doubt the aristocratic inhabitants of Mayfair and Belgravia in London, +and the plutocracy of New York, may think all this very small, and these +French people very uninteresting. They can, perhaps, hardly imagine that +such people may live on such incomes and look decent. But they do live, +and live very happy lives, too. And I will go so far as to say that +happiness, real happiness, is chiefly found among people of limited +income. The husband, who perhaps for a whole year has put quietly by a +dollar every week, so as to be able to give his dear wife a nice present +at Christmas, gives her a far more valuable, a far better appreciated +present, than the millionaire who orders Tiffany to send a diamond +_riviere_ to his wife. That quiet young French couple, whom you see at +the upper circle of a theater, and who have saved the money to enable +them to come and hear such and such a play, are happier than the +occupants of the boxes on the first tier. If you doubt it, take your +opera glasses, and "look on this picture, and on this." + +[Illustration: THE UPPER CIRCLE.] + +In observing nations, I have always taken more interest in the +"million," who differ in every country, than in the "upper ten," who are +alike all over the world. People who have plenty of money at their +disposal generally discover the same way of spending it, and adopt the +same mode of living. People who have only a small income show their +native instincts in the intelligent use of it. All these differ, and +these only are worth studying, unless you belong to the staff of a +"society" paper. (As a Frenchman, I am glad to say we have no "society" +papers. England and America are the only two countries in the world +where these official organs of Anglo-Saxon snobbery can be found, and I +should not be surprised to hear that Australia possessed some of these +already.) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SAD-EYED OCCUPANTS OF THE BOX.] + +The source of French happiness is to be found in the thrift of the +women, from the best middle class to the peasantry. This thrift is also +the source of French wealth. A nation is really wealthy when the +fortunes are stable, however small. We have no railway kings, no oil +kings, no silver kings, but we have no tenement houses, no Unions, no +Work-houses. Our lower classes do not yet ape the upper class people, +either in their habits or dress. The wife of a peasant or of a mechanic +wears a simple snowy cap, and a serge or cotton dress. The wife of a +shopkeeper does not wear any jewelry because she cannot afford to buy +real stones, and her taste is too good to allow of her wearing false +ones. She is not ashamed of her husband's occupation; she does not play +the fine lady while he is at work. She saves him the expense of a +cashier or of an extra clerk by helping him in his business. When the +shutters are up, she enjoys life with him, and is the companion of his +pleasures as well as of his hardships. Club life is unknown in France, +except among the upper classes. Man and wife are constantly together, +and France is a nation of Darbys and Joans. There is, I believe, no +country where men and women go through life on such equal terms as in +France. + + * * * * * + +In England (and here again I speak of the masses only), the man thinks +himself a much superior being to the woman. It is the same in Germany. +In America, I should feel inclined to believe that a woman looks down +upon a man with a certain amount of contempt. She receives at his hands +attentions of all sorts, but I cannot say, as I have remarked before, +that I have ever discovered in her the slightest trace of gratitude to +man. + +I have often tried to explain to myself this gentle contempt of American +ladies for the male sex; for, contrasting it with the lovely devotion of +Jonathan to his womankind, it is a curious enigma. Have I found the +solution at last? Does it begin at school? In American schools, boys and +girls, from the age of five, follow the same path to learning, and sit +side by side on the same benches. Moreover, the girls prove themselves +capable of keeping pace with the boys. Is it not possible that those +girls, as they watched the performances of the boys in the study, +learned to say, "Is that all?" While the young lords of creation, as +they have looked on at what "those girls" can do, have been fain to +exclaim: "Who would have thought it!" And does not this explain the two +attitudes: the great respect of men for women, and the mild contempt of +women for men? + +Very often, in New York, when I had time to saunter about, I would go up +Broadway and wait until a car, well crammed with people, came along. +Then I would jump on board and stand near the door. Whenever a man +wanted to get out, he would say to me "Please," or "Excuse me," or just +touch me lightly to warn me that I stood in his way. But the women! Oh, +the women! why, it was simply lovely. They would just push me away with +the tips of their fingers, and turn up such disgusted and haughty noses! +You would have imagined it was a heap of dirty rubbish in their way. + + * * * * * + +Would you have a fair illustration of the respective positions of woman +in France, in England, and in America? + +Go to a hotel, and watch the arrival of couples in the dining-room. + +Now don't go to the Louvre, the Grand Hotel, or the Bristol, in Paris. +Don't go to the Savoy, the Victoria, or the Metropole, in London. Don't +go to the Brunswick, in New York, because in all these hotels you will +see that all behave alike. Go elsewhere and, I say, watch. + +In France, you will see the couples arrive together, walk abreast toward +the table assigned to them, very often arm in arm, and smiling at each +other--though married. + +[Illustration: IN FRANCE.] + +In England, you will see John Bull leading the way. He does not like to +be seen eating in public, and thinks it very hard that he should not +have the dining-room all to himself. So he enters, with his hands in +his pockets, looking askance at everybody right and left. Then, meek and +demure, with her eyes cast down, follows Mrs. John Bull. + +[Illustration: IN ENGLAND.] + +In America, behold the dignified, nay, the majestic entry of Mrs. +Jonathan, a perfect queen going toward her throne, bestowing a glance on +her subjects right and left--and Jonathan behind! + +[Illustration: IN AMERICA.] + +They say in France that Paris is the paradise of women. If so, there is +a more blissful place than paradise; there is another word to invent to +give an idea of the social position enjoyed by American ladies. + +If I had to be born again, and might choose my sex and my birthplace, I +would shout at the top of my voice: + +"Oh, make me an American woman!" + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + MORE ABOUT JOURNALISM IN AMERICA--A DINNER AT DELMONICO'S--MY FIRST + APPEARANCE IN AN AMERICAN CHURCH. + + + _New York, Sunday Night, January 19._ + +Have been spending the whole day in reading the Sunday papers. + +I am never tired of reading and studying the American newspapers. The +whole character of the nation is there: Spirit of enterprise, +liveliness, childishness, inquisitiveness, deep interest in everything +that is human, fun and humor, indiscretion, love of gossip, brightness. + +Speak of electric light, of phonographs and graphophones, if you like; +speak of those thousand and one inventions which have come out of the +American brain; but if you wish to mention the greatest and most +wonderful achievement of American activity, do not hesitate for a moment +to give the palm to American journalism; it is simply the _ne plus +ultra_. + +You will find some people, even in America, who condemn its loud tone; +others who object to its meddling with private life; others, again, who +have something to say of its contempt for statements which are not in +perfect accordance with strict truth. I even believe that a French +writer, whom I do not wish to name, once said that very few statements +to be found in an American paper were to be relied upon--beyond the +date. People may say this and may say that about American journalism; I +confess that I like it, simply because it will supply you with +twelve--on Sundays with thirty--pages that are readable from the first +line to the last. Yes, from the first line to the last, including the +advertisements. + +The American journalist may be a man of letters, but, above all, he must +possess a bright and graphic pen, and his services are not wanted if he +cannot write a racy article or paragraph out of the most trifling +incident. He must relate facts, if he can, but if he cannot, so much the +worse for the facts; he must be entertaining and turn out something that +is readable. + +Suppose, for example, a reporter has to send to his paper the account of +a police-court proceeding. There is nothing more important to bring to +the office than the case of a servant girl who has robbed her mistress +of a pair of diamond earrings. The English reporter will bring to his +editor something in the following style: + + Mary Jane So-and-So was yesterday charged before the magistrate with + stealing a pair of diamond earrings from her mistress. It appears + [always _it appears_, that is the formula] that, last Monday, as Mrs. + X. went to her room to dress for dinner, she missed a pair of diamond + earrings, which she usually kept in a little drawer in her bedroom. On + questioning her maid on the subject, she received incoherent answers. + Suspicion that the maid was the thief arose in her mind, and---- + +A long paragraph in this dry style will be published in the _Times_, or +any other London morning paper. + +Now, the American reporter will be required to bring something a little +more entertaining if he hopes to be worth his salt on the staff of his +paper, and he will probably get up an account of the case somewhat in +the following fashion: + + Mary Jane So-and-so is a pretty little brunette of some twenty + summers. On looking in the glass at her dainty little ears, she + fancied how lovely a pair of diamond earrings would look in them. So + one day she thought she would try on those of her mistress. How lovely + she looked! said the looking-glass, and the Mephistopheles that is + hidden in the corner of every man or woman's breast suggested that she + should keep them. This is how Mary Jane found herself in trouble, + etc., etc. + +The whole will read like a little story, probably entitled something +like "Another Gretchen gone wrong through the love of jewels." + +The heading has to be thought of no less than the paragraph. Not a line +is to be dull in a paper sparkling all over with eye-ticklers of all +sorts. Oh! those delicious headings that would resuscitate the dead, and +make them sit up in their graves! + +A Tennessee paper which I have now under my eyes announces the death of +a townsman with the following heading: + +"At ten o'clock last night Joseph W. Nelson put on his angel plumage." + + * * * * * + +"Racy, catching advertisements supplied to the trade," such is the +announcement that I see in the same paper. I understand the origin of +such literary productions as the following, which I cull from a Colorado +sheet: + + This morning our Saviour summoned away the jeweler William T. Sumner, + of our city, from his shop to another and a better world. The + undersigned, his widow, will weep upon his tomb, as will also his two + daughters, Maud and Emma, the former of whom is married, and the other + is open to an offer. The funeral will take place to-morrow. Signed. + His disconsolate widow, Mathilda Sumner. + + _P. S._--This bereavement will not interrupt our business, which will + be carried on as usual, only our place of business will be removed + from Washington Street to No. 17 St. Paul Street, as our grasping + landlord has raised our rent.--M. S. + +The following advertisement probably emanates from the same firm: + + PERSONAL--HIS LOVE SUDDENLY RETURNED.--Recently they had not been on + the best of terms, owing to a little family jar occasioned by the wife + insisting on being allowed to renovate his wearing apparel, and which, + of course, was done in a bungling manner; in order to prevent the + trouble, they agreed to send all their work hereafter to D., the + tailor, and now everything is lovely, and peace and happiness again + reign in their household. + +All this is lively. Never fail to read the advertisements of an American +paper, or you will not have got out of it all the fun it supplies. + +Here are a few from the Cincinnati _Enquirer_, which tell different +stories: + + 1. The young MADAME J. C. ANTONIA, just arrived from Europe, will + remain a short time; tells past, present, and future; tells by the + letters in hand who the future husband or wife will be; brings back + the husband or lover in so many days, and guarantees to settle family + troubles; can give good luck and success; ladies call at once; also + cures corns and bunions. Hours 10 A. M. and 9 P. M. + +"Also cures corns and bunions" is a poem! + + 2. The acquaintance desired of lady passing along Twelfth Street at + three o'clock Sunday afternoon, by blond gent standing at corner. + Address LOU K., 48, _Enquirer_ Office. + + 3. Will the three ladies that got on the electric car at the Zoo + Sunday afternoon favor three gents that got off at Court and Walnut + Streets with their address? Address ELECTRIC CAR, _Enquirer_ Office. + + 4. Will two ladies on Clark Street car, that noticed two gents in + front of Grand Opera House about seven last evening, please address + JANDS, _Enquirer_ Office. + + * * * * * + +A short time ago a man named Smith was bitten by a rattlesnake and +treated with whisky at a New York hospital. An English paper would have +just mentioned the fact, and have the paragraph headed: "A Remarkable +Cure"; or, "A Man Cured of a Rattlesnake Bite by Whisky"; but a kind +correspondent sends me the headings of this bit of intelligence in five +New York papers. They are as follows: + +1. "Smith Is All Right!" + +2. "Whisky Does It!" + +3. "The Snake Routed at all Points!" + +4. "The Reptile is Nowhere!" + +5. "Drunk for Three Days and Cured." + +Let a batch of officials be dismissed. Do not suppose that an American +editor will accept the news with such a heading as "Dismissal of +Officials." The reporter will have to bring some label that will fetch +the attention. "Massacre at the Custom House," or, "So Many Heads in the +Basket," will do. Now, I maintain that it requires a wonderful +imagination--something little short of genius, to be able, day after +day, to hit on a hundred of such headings. But the American journalist +does it. + +[Illustration: SMITH CURED OF RATTLESNAKE BITE.] + +An American paper is a collection of short stories. The Sunday edition +of the New York _World_, the New York _Herald_, the Boston _Herald_, the +Boston _Globe_, the Chicago _Tribune_, the Chicago _Herald_, and many +others, is something like ten volumes of miscellaneous literature, and I +do not know of any achievement to be compared to it. + +I cannot do better than compare an American paper to a large store, +where the goods, the articles, are labeled so as to immediately strike +the customer. + +A few days ago, I heard my friend, Colonel Charles H. Taylor, editor of +the Boston _Globe_, give an interesting summary of an address on +journalism which he is to deliver next Saturday before the members of +the New England Club of Boston. He maintained that the proprietor of a +newspaper has as much right to make his shop-window attractive to the +public as any tradesman. If the colonel is of opinion that journalism is +a trade, and the journalist a mere tradesman, I agree with him. If +journalism is not to rank among the highest and noblest of professions, +and is to be nothing more than a commercial enterprise, I agree with +him. + +Now, if we study the evolution of journalism for the last forty or fifty +years, we shall see that daily journalism, especially in a democracy, +has become a commercial enterprise, and that journalism, as it was +understood forty years ago, has become to-day monthly journalism. The +dailies have now no other object than to give the news--the latest--just +as a tradesman that would succeed must give you the latest fashion in +any kind of business. The people of a democracy like America are +educated in politics. They think for themselves, and care but little for +the opinions of such and such a journalist on any question of public +interest. They want news, not literary essays on news. When I hear some +Americans say that they object to their daily journalism, I answer that +journalists are like other people who supply the public--they keep the +article that is wanted. + +A free country possesses the government it deserves, and the journalism +it wants. A people active and busy as the Americans are, want a +journalism that will keep their interest awake and amuse them; and they +naturally get it. The average American, for example, cares not a pin for +what his representatives say or do in Washington; but he likes to be +acquainted with what is going on in Europe, and that is why the American +journalist will give him a far more detailed account of what is going on +in the Palace at Westminster than of what is being said in the Capitol. + +In France, journalism is personal. On any great question of the day, +domestic or foreign, the Frenchman will want to read the opinion of John +Lemoinne in the _Journal des Debats_, or the opinion of Edouard Lockroy +in the _Rappel_, or maybe that of Paul de Cassagnac or Henri Rochefort. +Every Frenchman is more or less led by the editor of the newspaper which +he patronizes. But the Frenchman is only a democrat in name and +aspirations, not in fact. France made the mistake of establishing a +republic before she made republicans of her sons. A French journalist +signs his articles, and is a leader of public opinion, so much so that +every successful journalist in France has been, is now, and ever will +be, elected a representative of the people. + +In America, as in England, the journalist has no personality outside the +literary classes. Who, among the masses, knows the names of Bennett, +Dana, Whitelaw Reid, Medill, Childs, in the United States? Who, in +England, knows the names of Lawson, Mudford, Robinson, and other editors +of the great dailies? If it had not been for his trial and imprisonment, +Mr. W. T. Stead himself, though a most brilliant journalist, would +never have seen his name on anybody's lips. + +A leading article in an American or an English newspaper will attract no +notice at home. It will only be quoted on the European Continent. + +It is the monthly and the weekly papers and magazines that now play the +part of the dailies of bygone days. An article in the _Spectator_ or +_Saturday Review_, or especially in one of the great monthly magazines, +will be quoted all over the land, and I believe that this relatively new +journalism, which is read only by the cultured, has now for ever taken +the place of the old one. + +In a country where everybody reads, men as well as women; in a country +where nobody takes much interest in politics outside of the State and +the city in which he lives, the journalist has to turn out every day all +the news he can gather, and present them to the reader in the most +readable form. Formerly daily journalism was a branch of literature; now +it is a news store, and is so not only in America. The English press +shows signs of the same tendency, and so does the Parisian press. Take +the London _Pall Mall Gazette_ and _Star_, and the Paris _Figaro_, as +illustrations of what I advance. + +As democracy makes progress in England, journalism will become more and +more American, although the English reporter will have some trouble in +succeeding to compete with his American _confrere_ in humor and +liveliness. + +Under the guidance of political leaders, the newspapers of Continental +Europe direct public opinion. In a democracy, the newspapers follow +public opinion and cater to the public taste; they are the servants of +the people. The American says to his journalists: "I don't care a pin +for your opinions on such a question. Give me the news and I will +comment on it myself. Only don't forget that I am an overworked man, and +that before, or after, my fourteen hours' work, I want to be +entertained." + +So, as I have said elsewhere, the American journalist must be spicy, +lively, and bright. He must know how, not merely to report, but to +relate in a racy, catching style, an accident, a trial, a conflagration, +and be able to make up an article of one or two columns upon the most +insignificant incident. He must be interesting, readable. His eyes and +ears must be always open, every one of his five senses on the alert, for +he must keep ahead in this wild race for news. He must be a good +conversationalist on most subjects, so as to bring back from his +interviews with different people a good store of materials. He must be a +man of courage, to brave rebuffs. He must be a philosopher, to pocket +abuse cheerfully. + +He must be a man of honor, to inspire confidence in the people he has to +deal with. Personally I can say this of him, that wherever I have begged +him, for instance, to kindly abstain from mentioning this or that which +might have been said in conversation with him, I have invariably found +that he kept his word. + +But if the matter is of public interest, he is, before and above all, +the servant of the public; so, never challenge his spirit of enterprise, +or he will leave no stone unturned until he has found out your secret +and exhibited it in public. + +I do not think that American journalism needs an apology. + +It is the natural outcome of circumstances and the democratic times we +live in. The Theatre-Francais is not now, under a Republic, and probably +never again will be, what it was when it was placed under the patronage +and supervision of the French Court. Democracy is the form of government +least of all calculated to foster literature and the fine arts. To that +purpose, Monarchy, with its Court and its fashionable society, is the +best. This is no reason to prefer a monarchy to a republic. Liberty, +like any other luxury, has to be paid for. + +Journalism cannot be now what it was when papers were read by people of +culture. In a democracy, the stage and journalism have to please the +masses of the people. As the people become better and better educated, +the stage and journalism will rise with them. What the people want, I +repeat it, is news, and journals are properly called _news_ papers. + +Speaking of American journalism, no man need use apologetic language. + +Not when the proprietor of an American paper will not hesitate to spend +thousands of dollars to provide his readers with the minutest details +about some great European event. + +Not when an American paper will, at its own expense, send Henry M. +Stanley to Africa in search of Livingstone. + +Not so long as the American press is vigilant, and keeps its thousand +eyes open on the interests of the American people. + + * * * * * + + _Midnight._ + +Dined this evening with Richard Mansfield at Delmonico's. I sat between +Mr. Charles A. Dana, the first of American journalists, and General +Horace Porter, and had what my American friends would call "a mighty +elegant time." The host was delightful, the dinner excellent, the wine +"extra dry," the speeches quite the reverse. "Speeches" is rather a big +word for what took place at dessert. Every one supplied an anecdote, a +story, a reminiscence, and contributed to the general entertainment of +the guests. + +The Americans have too much humor to spoil their dinners with toasts to +the President, the Senate, the House of Representatives, the army, the +navy, the militia, the volunteers, and the reserved forces. + +I once heard Mr. Chauncey M. Depew referring to the volunteers, at some +English public dinner, as "men invincible--in peace, and invisible--in +war." After dinner I remarked to an English peer: + +"You have heard to-night the great New York after-dinner speaker; what +do you think of his speech?" + +"Well," he said, "it was witty; but I think his remark about our +volunteers was not in very good taste." + +I remained composed, and did not burst. + + * * * * * + + _Newburgh, N. Y., January 21._ + +I lectured in Melrose, near Boston, last night, and had the +satisfaction of pleasing a Massachusetts audience for the second time. +After the lecture, I had supper with Mr. Nat Goodwin, a very good actor, +who is now playing in Boston in a new play by Mr. Steele Mackaye. Mr. +Nat Goodwin told many good stories at supper. He can entertain his +friends in private as well as he can the public. + + * * * * * + +To-night I have appeared in a church, in Newburgh. The minister, who +took the chair, had the good sense to refrain from opening the lecture +with prayer. There are many who have not the tact necessary to see that +praying before a humorous lecture is almost as irreverent as praying +before a glass of grog. It is as an artist, however, that I resent that +prayer. After the audience have said _Amen_, it takes them a full +quarter of an hour to realize that the lecture is not a sermon; that +they are in a church, but not at church; and the whole time their minds +are in that undecided state, all your points fall flat and miss fire. +Even without the preliminary prayer, I dislike lecturing in a church. +The very atmosphere of a church is against the success of a light, +humorous lecture, and many a point, which would bring down the house in +a theater, will be received only with smiles in a lecture hall, and in +respectful silence in a church. An audience is greatly influenced by +surroundings. + +Now, I must say that the interior of an American church, with its lines +of benches, its galleries, and its platform, does not inspire in one +such religious feelings as the interior of a European Catholic church. +In many American towns, the church is let for meetings, concerts, +exhibitions, bazaars, etc., and so far as you can see, there is nothing +to distinguish it from an ordinary lecture hall. + +Yet it is a church, and both lecturer and audience feel it. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + MARCUS AURELIUS IN AMERICA--CHAIRMEN I HAVE HAD--AMERICAN, ENGLISH, + AND SCOTCH CHAIRMEN--ONE WHO HAD BEEN TO BOULOGNE--TALKATIVE AND + SILENT CHAIRMEN--A TRYING OCCASION--THE LORD IS ASKED TO ALLOW THE + AUDIENCE TO SEE MY POINTS. + + + _New York, January 22._ + +There are indeed very few Americans who have not either tact or a sense +of humor. They make the best of chairmen. They know that the audience +have not come to hear them, and that all that is required of them is to +introduce the lecturer in very few words, and to give him a good start. +Who is the lecturer that would not appreciate, nay, love, such a +chairman as Dr. R. S. MacArthur, who introduced me yesterday to a New +York audience in the following manner? + +"Ladies and Gentlemen," said he, "the story goes that, last summer, a +party of Americans staying in Rome paid a visit to the famous +Spithoever's bookshop in the Piazza di Spagna. Now Spithoever is the most +learned of bibliophiles. You must go thither if you need artistic and +archaeological works of the profoundest research and erudition. But one +of the ladies in this tourists' party only wanted the lively travels in +America of Max O'Rell, and she asked for the book at Spithoever's. There +came in a deep guttural voice--an Anglo-German voice--from a spectacled +clerk behind a desk, to this purport: 'Marcus Aurelius vos neffer in te +Unided Shtaates!' But, ladies and gentlemen, he is now, and here he is." + +With such an introduction, I was immediately in touch with my audience. + +What a change after English chairmen! + +A few days before lecturing in any English town, under the auspices of a +Literary Society or Mechanics' Institute, the lecturer generally +receives from the secretary a letter running somewhat as follow: + + + DEAR SIR: + + I have much pleasure in informing you that our Mr. Blank, one of our + vice-presidents and a well-known resident here, will take the chair at + your lecture. + +Translated into plain English, this reads: + + My poor fellow, I am much grieved to have to inform you that a + chairman will be inflicted upon you on the occasion of your lecture + before the members of our Society. + +In my few years' lecturing experience, I have come across all sorts and +conditions of chairmen, but I can recollect very few that "have helped +me." Now, what is the office, the duty, of a chairman on such occasions? +He is supposed to introduce the lecturer to the audience. For this he +needs to be able to make a neat speech. He has to tell the audience who +the lecturer is, in case they should not know it, which is seldom the +case. I was once introduced to an audience who knew me, by a chairman +who, I don't think, had ever heard of me in his life. Before going on +the platform he asked me whether I had written anything, next whether I +was an Irishman or a Frenchman, etc. + +[Illustration: "MARCUS AURELIUS VOS NEFFER IN TE UNIDED SHTAATES!"] + +Sometimes the chairman is nervous; he hems and haws, cannot find the +words he wants, and only succeeds in fidgeting the audience. Sometimes, +on the other hand, he is a wit. There is danger again. I was once +introduced to a New York audience by General Horace Porter. Those of my +readers who know the delightful general and have heard him deliver one +of those little gems of speeches in his own inimitable manner, will +agree with me that certainly there was danger in that; and they will not +be surprised when I tell them that after his delightfully witty and +graceful little introduction, I felt as if the best part of the show was +over. + +Sometimes the chair has to be offered to a magnate of the neighborhood, +though he may be noted for his long, prosy orations--which annoy the +public; or to a very popular man in the locality who gets all the +applause--which annoys the lecturer. + +"Brevity is the soul of wit," should be the motto of chairmen, and I +sympathize with a friend of mine who says that chairmen, like little +boys and girls, should be seen and not heard. + +Of those chairmen who can and do speak, the Scotch ones are generally +good. They have a knack of starting the evening with some droll Scotch +anecdote, told with that piquant and picturesque accent of theirs, and +of putting the audience in a good humor. Occasionally they will also +make _apropos_ and equally droll little speeches at the close. One +evening, in talking of America, I had mentioned the fact that American +banquets were very lively, and that I thought the fact of Americans +being able to keep up such a flow of wit for so many hours, was perhaps +due to their drinking Apollinaris water instead of stronger things after +dessert. At the end of the lecture, the chairman rose and said he had +greatly enjoyed it, but that he must take exception to one statement the +lecturer had made, for he thought it "fery deeficult to be wutty on +Apollinaris watter." + +Another kind of chairman is the one who kills your finish, and stops all +the possibility of your being called back for applause, by coming +forward, the very instant the last words are out of your mouth, to +inform the audience that the next lecture will be given by Mr. +So-and-So, or to make a statement of the Society's financial position, +concluding by appealing to the members to induce their friends to join. + +Then there is the chairman who does not know what you are going to talk +about, but thinks it his duty to give the audience a kind of summary of +what he imagines the lecture is going to be. He is terrible. But he is +nothing to the one who, when the lecture is over, will persist in +summing it up, and explaining your own jokes, especially the ones he has +not quite seen through. This is the dullest, the saddest chairman yet +invented. + +Some modest chairmen apologize for standing between the lecturer and the +audience, and declare they cannot speak, but do. Others promise to speak +a minute only, but don't. + +[Illustration: THE CHAIRMAN.] + +"What shall I speak about?" said a chairman to me one day, after I had +been introduced to him in the little back room behind the platform. + +"If you will oblige me, sir," I replied, "kindly speak about--one +minute." + +Once I was introduced to the audience as the promoter of good feelings +between France and England. + +"Sometimes," said the chairman, "we see clouds of misunderstanding arise +between the French--between the English--between the two. The lecturer +of this evening makes it his business to disperse these clouds--these +clouds--to--to---- But I will not detain you any longer. His name is +familiar to all of us. I'm sure he needs no introduction to this +audience. We all know him. I have much pleasure in introducing to you +Mr.--Mosshiay--Mr. ----" Then he looked at me in despair. + +It was evident he had forgotten my name. + +"Max O'Rell is, I believe, what you are driving at," I whispered to him. + + * * * * * + +The most objectionable chairmen in England are, perhaps, local men +holding civic honors. Accustomed to deliver themselves of a speech +whenever and wherever they get a chance, aldermen, town councilors, +members of local boards, and school boards, never miss an opportunity of +getting upon a platform to address a good crowd. Not long ago, I was +introduced to an audience in a large English city by a candidate for +civic honors. The election of the town council was to take place a +fortnight afterward, and this gentleman profited by the occasion to air +all his grievances against the sitting council, and to assure the +citizens that if they would only elect him, there were bright days in +store for them and their city. This was the gist of the matter. The +speech lasted twenty minutes. + +[Illustration: "HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME?"] + +Once the chair was taken by an alderman in a Lancashire city, and the +hall was crowded. "What a fine house!" I remarked to the chairman as we +sat down on the platform. + +"Very fine indeed," he said; "everybody in the town knew I was going to +take the chair." + +I was sorry I had spoken. + +More than once, when announced to deliver a lecture on France and the +French, I have been introduced by a chairman who, having spent his +holidays in that country once or twice, opened the evening's proceedings +by himself delivering a lecture on France. I have felt very tempted to +imitate a _confrere_, and say to the audience: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as +one lecture on France is enough for an evening, perhaps you would rather +I spoke about something else now." The _confrere_ I have just mentioned +was to deliver a lecture on Charles Dickens one evening. The chairman +knew something of Charles Dickens and, for quite a quarter of an hour, +spoke on the great English novelist, giving anecdotes, extracts of his +writings, etc. When the lecturer rose, he said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, +two lectures on Charles Dickens are perhaps more than you expected to +hear to-night. You have just heard a lecture on Charles Dickens. I am +now going to give you one on Charles Kingsley." + +Sometimes I get a little amusement, however (as in the country town of +X.), out of the usual proceedings of the society before whose members I +am engaged to appear. At X., the audience being assembled and the time +up, I was told to go on the platform alone and, being there, to +immediately sit down. So I went on, and sat down. Some one in the room +then rose and proposed that Mr. N. should take the chair. Mr. N., it +appeared, had been to Boulogne (_to B'long_), and was particularly +fitted to introduce a Frenchman. In a speech of about five minutes +duration, all Mr. N.'s qualifications for the post of chairman that +evening were duly set forth. Then some one else rose and seconded the +proposition, re-enumerating most of these qualifications. Mr. N. then +marched up the hall, ascended the platform, and proceeded to return +thanks for the kind manner in which he had been proposed for the chair +and for the enthusiasm (a few friends had applauded) with which the +audience had sanctioned the choice. He said it was true that he had been +in France, and that he greatly admired the country and the people, and +he was glad to have this opportunity to say so before a Frenchman. Then +he related some of his traveling impressions in France. A few people +coughed, two or three more bold stamped their feet, but he took no heed +and, for ten minutes, he gave the audience the benefit of the +information he had gathered in Boulogne. These preliminaries over, I +gave my lecture, after which Mr. N. called upon a member of the audience +to propose a vote of thanks to the lecturer "for the most amusing and +interesting discourse, etc." + +Now a paid lecturer wants his check when his work is over, and although +a vote of thanks, when it is spontaneous, is a compliment which he +greatly appreciates, he is more likely to feel awkwardness than pleasure +when it is a mere red-tape formality. The vote of thanks, on this +particular occasion, was proposed in due form. Then it was seconded by +some one who repeated two or three of my points and spoiled them. By +this time I began to enter into the fun of the thing, and, after having +returned thanks for the vote of thanks and sat down, I stepped forward +again, filled with a mild resolve to have the last word: + +"Ladies and Gentlemen," I said, "I have now much pleasure in proposing +that a hearty vote of thanks be given Mr. N. for the able manner in +which he has filled the chair. I am proud to have been introduced to you +by an Englishman who knows my country so well." I went again through the +list of Mr. N.'s qualifications, not forgetting the trip to Boulogne and +the impressions it had left on him. Somebody rose and seconded this. Mr. +N. delivered a speech to thank the audience once more, and then those +who had survived went home. + +Some Nonconformist societies will engage a light or humorous lecturer, +put him in their chapel, and open his mouth with prayer. Prayer is good, +but I would as soon think of saying grace before dancing as of beginning +my lecture with a prayer. This kind of experience has been mine several +times. A truly trying experience it was, on the first occasion, to be +accompanied to the platform by the minister, who, motioning me to sit +down, advanced to the front, lowered his head, and said in solemn +accents: "Let us pray." After I got started, it took me fully ten +minutes to make the people realize that they were not at church. This +experience I have had in America as well as in England. Another +experience in this line was still worse, for the prayer was supplemented +by the singing of a hymn of ten or twelve verses. You may easily imagine +that my first remark fell dead flat. + +I have been introduced to audiences as Mossoo, Meshoe, and Mounzeer +O'Reel, and other British adaptations of our word _Monsieur_, and found +it very difficult to bear with equanimity a chairman who maltreated a +name which I had taken some care to keep correctly spelt before the +public. Yet this man is charming when compared with the one who, in the +midst of his introductory remarks, turns to you, and in a stage whisper +perfectly audible all over the hall, asks: "How do you pronounce your +name?" + +Passing over chairman chatty and chairman terse, chairman eloquent and +chairman the reverse, I feel decidedly most kindly toward the silent +chairman. He is very rare, but he does exist and, when met with, is +exceedingly precious. Why he exists, in some English Institutes, I have +always been at a loss to imagine. Whether he comes on to see that the +lecturer does not run off before his time is up, or with the water +bottle, which is the only portable thing on the platform generally; +whether he is a successor to some venerable deaf and dumb founder of his +Society; or whether he goes on with the lecturer to give a lesson in +modesty to the public, as who should say: "I could speak an if I would, +but I forbear." Be his _raison d'etre_ what it may, we all love him. To +the nervous novice he is a kind of quiet support, to the old stager he +is as a picture unto the eye and as music unto the ear. + + * * * * * + +Here I pause. I want to collect my thoughts. Does my memory serve me? Am +I dreaming, or worse still, am I on the point of inventing? No, I could +not invent such a story, it is beyond my power. + +I was once lecturing to the students of a religious college in America. +Before I began, a professor stepped forward, and offered a prayer, in +which he asked the Lord to allow the audience to see my points. + +Now, I duly feel the weight of responsibility attaching to such a +statement, and in justice to myself I can do no less than give the +reader the petition just as it fell on my astonished ears: + +"Lord, Thou knowest that we work hard for Thee, and that recreation is +necessary in order that we may work with renewed vigor. We have to-night +with us a gentleman from France [excuse my recording a compliment too +flattering], whose criticisms are witty and refined, _but subtle_, and +we pray Thee to so prepare our minds that we may thoroughly understand +and enjoy them." + +"_But subtle!_" + +I am still wondering whether my lectures are so subtle as to need +praying over, or whether that audience was so dull that they needed +praying for. + +Whichever it was, the prayer was heard, for the audience proved warm, +keen, and thoroughly appreciative. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +REFLECTIONS ON THE TYPICAL AMERICAN. + + + _New York, January 23._ + +I was asked to-day by the editor of the _North American Review_ to write +an article on the typical American. + +The typical American! + +In the eyes of my beloved compatriots, the typical American is a man +with hair falling over his shoulders, wearing a sombrero, a red shirt, +leather leggings, a pair of revolvers in his belt, spending his life on +horseback, and able to shoot a fly off the tip of your nose without for +a moment endangering your olfactory organ; and, since Buffalo Bill has +been exhibiting his Indians and cowboys to the Parisians, this +impression has become a deep conviction. + +I shall never forget the astonishment I caused to my mother when I first +broke the news to her that I wanted to go to America. My mother had +practically never left a lovely little provincial town of France. Her +face expressed perfect bewilderment. + +"You don't mean to say you want to go to America?" she said. "What for?" + +"I am invited to give lectures there." + +"Lectures? in what language?" + +"Well, mother, I will try my best in English." + +"Do they speak English out there?" + +"H'm--pretty well, I think." + +We did not go any further on the subject that time. Probably the good +mother thought of the time when the Californian gold-fields attracted +all the scum of Europe, and, no doubt, she thought that it was strange +for a man who had a decent position in Europe, to go and "seek fortune" +in America. + +Later on, however, after returning to England, I wrote to her that I had +made up my mind to go. + +Her answer was full of gentle reproaches, and of sorrow at seeing that +she had lost all her influence over her son. She signed herself "always +your loving mother," and indulged in a postscript. Madame de Sevigne +said that the gist of a woman's letter was to be found in the +postscript. + +My mother's was this: + +"P.S.--I shall not tell any one in the town that you have gone to +America." + +This explains why I still dare show my face in my little native town. + + * * * * * + +The typical American! + +First of all, does he exist? I do not think so. As I have said +elsewhere, there are Americans in plenty, but _the_ American has not +made his appearance yet. The type existed a hundred years ago in New +England. He is there still; but he is not now a national type, he is +only a local one. + +[Illustration: THE TYPICAL AMERICAN.] + +I was talking one day with two eminent Americans on the subject of the +typical American, real or imaginary. One of them was of opinion that he +was a taciturn being; the other, on the contrary, maintained that he was +talkative. How is a foreigner to dare decide, where two eminent natives +find it impossible to agree? + +In speaking of the typical American, let us understand each other. All +the civilized nations of the earth are alike in one respect; they are +all composed of two kinds of men, those that are gentlemen, and those +that are not. America is no exception to this rule. Fifth Avenue does +not differ from Belgravia and Mayfair. A gentleman is everywhere a +gentleman. As a type, he belongs to no particular country, he is +universal. + +When the writer of some "society" paper, English or American, reproaches +a sociologist for writing about the masses instead of the classes, +suggesting that "he probably never frequented the best society of the +nation he describes," that writer writes himself down an ass. + +In the matters of feeling, conduct, taste, culture, I have never +discovered the least difference between a gentleman from America and a +gentleman from France, England, Russia, or any other country of +Europe--including Germany. So, if we want to find a typical American, it +is not in good society that we must search for him, but among the mass +of the population. + +Well, it is just here that our search will break down. We shall come +across all sorts and conditions of Americans, but not one that is really +typical. + +[Illustration: THE AMERICAN OF A HUNDRED YEARS AGO.] + +A little while ago, the _Century Magazine_ published specimens of +composite photography. First, there was the portrait of one person, then +that of this same face with another superposed, then another containing +three faces blended, and so on up to eight or nine. On the last page the +result was shown. I can only compare the typical American to the last of +those. This appears to me the process of evolution through which the +American type is now going. What it will be when this process of +evolution is over, no one, I imagine, can tell. The evolution will be +complete when immigration shall have ceased, and all the different types +have been well mixed and assimilated. While the process of assimilation +is still going on, the result is suspended, and the type is incomplete. + +But, meanwhile, are there not certain characteristic traits to be found +throughout almost all America? That is a question much easier to answer. + +Is it necessary to repeat that I put aside good society and confine +myself merely to the people? + +Nations are like individuals: when they are young, they have the +qualities and the defects of children. The characteristic trait of +childhood is curiosity. It is also that of the American. I have never +been in Australia, but I should expect to find this trait in the +Australian. + +Look at American journalism. What does it live on? Scandal and gossip. +Let a writer, an artist, or any one else become popular in the States, +and the papers will immediately tell the public at what time he rises +and what he takes for breakfast. When any one of the least importance +arrives in America, he is quickly beset by a band of reporters who ask +him a host of preposterous questions and examine him minutely from head +to foot, in order to tell the public next day whether he wears laced, +buttoned, or elastic boots, enlighten them as to the cut of his coat and +the color of his trowsers, and let them know if he parts his hair in the +middle or not. + +[Illustration: CURIOSITY IN AUSTRALIA.] + +Every time I went into a new town to lecture I was interviewed, and the +next day, besides an account of the lecture, there was invariably a +paragraph somewhat in this style: + + The lecturer is a man of about forty, whose cranium is getting visible + through his hair. He wears a double eye-glass, with which he plays + while talking to his audience. His handkerchief was black-bordered. He + wore the regulation patent leather shoes, and his shirt front was + fastened with a single stud. He spoke without effort or pretension, + and often with his hands in his pockets, etc. + +A few days ago, on reading the morning papers in a town where I had +lectured the night before, I found, in one of them, about twenty lines +consecrated to my lecture, and half a column to my hat. + +I must tell you that this hat was brown, and all the hats in America are +black. If you wear anything that is not exactly like what Americans +wear, you are gazed at as if you were a curious animal. The Americans +are as great _badauds_ as the Parisians. In London, you may go down +Regent Street or Piccadilly got up as a Swiss admiral, a Polish general, +or even a Highlander, and nobody will take the trouble to look at you. +But, in America, you have only to put on a brown hat or a pair of light +trowsers, and you will become the object of a curiosity which will not +fail very promptly to bore you, if you are fond of tranquility, and like +to go about unremarked. + +I was so fond of that poor brown hat, too! It was an incomparably +obliging hat. It took any shape, and adapted itself to any +circumstances. It even went into my pocket on occasions. I had bought it +at Lincoln & Bennett's, if you please. But I had to give it up. To my +great regret, I saw that it was imperative: its popularity bid fair to +make me jealous. Twenty lines about me, and half a column about that +hat! It was time to come to some determination. It was not to be put up +with any longer. So I took it up tenderly, smoothed it with care, and +laid it in a neat box which was then posted to the chief editor of the +paper with the following note: + + + DEAR SIR: + + I see by your estimable paper that my hat has attracted a good deal of + public attention during its short sojourn in your city. I am even + tempted to think that it has attracted more of it than my lecture. I + send you the interesting headgear, and beg you will accept it as a + souvenir of my visit, and with my respectful compliments. + +A citizen of the Great Republic knows how to take a joke. The worthy +editor inserted my letter in the next number of his paper, and informed +his readers that my hat fitted him to a nicety, and that he was going to +have it dyed and wear it. He further said, "Max O'Rell evidently thinks +the song, 'Where did you get that hat?' was specially written to annoy +him," and went on to the effect that "Max O'Rell is not the only man who +does not care to tell where he got his hat." + +Do not run away with the idea that such nonsense as this has no interest +for the American public. It has. + +American reporters have asked me, with the most serious face in the +world, whether I worked in the morning, afternoon, or evening, and what +color paper I used (_sic_). One actually asked me whether it was true +that M. Jules Claretie used white paper to write his novels on, and blue +paper for his newspaper articles. Not having the honor of a personal +acquaintance with the director of the Comedie-Francaise, I had to +confess my inability to gratify my amiable interlocutor. + +Look at the advertisements in the newspapers. There you have the +bootmaker, the hatter, the traveling quack, publishing their portraits +at the head of their advertisements. Why are those portraits there, if +it be not to satisfy the curiosity of customers? + +The mass of personalities, each more trumpery than the other, those +details of people's private life, and all the gossip daily served up in +the newspapers, are they not proof enough that curiosity is a +characteristic trait of the American? + +This curiosity, which often shows itself in the most impossible +questions, gives immense amusement to Europeans. Unhappily, it amuses +them at the expense of well-bred Americans--people who are as innocent +of it as the members of the stiffest aristocracy in the world could be. +The English, especially, persist in not distinguishing Americans who are +gentlemen from Americans who are not. + + * * * * * + +And even that easy-going American _bourgeois_, with his childish but +good-humored nature, they often fail to do justice to. They too often +look at his curiosity as impertinence and ill-breeding, and will not +admit that, in nine cases out of ten, the freedom he uses with you is +but a show of good feeling, an act of good-fellowship. + +Take, for instance, the following little story: + +An American is seated in a railway carriage, and opposite him is a lady +in deep mourning, and looking a picture of sadness; a veritable _mater +dolorosa_. + +"Lost a father?" begins the worthy fellow. + +"No, sir." + +"A mother, maybe?" + +"No, sir." + +"Ah! a child then?" + +"No, sir; I have lost my husband." + +"Your husband! Ah! Left you comfortable?" + +The lady, rather offended, retires to the other end of the car, and cuts +short the conversation. + +"Rather stuck up, this woman," remarks the good Yankee to his neighbor. + +The intention was good, if the way of showing it was not. He had but +wanted to show the poor lady the interest he took in her. + +After having seen you two or three times, the American will suppress +"Mr." and address you by your name without any handle to it. Do not say +that this is ill placed familiarity; it is meant as an act of +good-fellowship, and should be received by you as such. + +If you are stiff, proud, and stuck-up, for goodness' sake, never go to +America; you will never get on there. On the contrary, take over a stock +of simple, affable manners and a good temper, and you will be treated as +a friend everywhere, feted, and well looked after. + +In fact, try to deserve a certificate of good-fellowship, such as the +Clover Club, of Philadelphia, awards to those who can sit at its +hospitable table without taking affront at the little railleries leveled +at them by the members of that lively association. With people of +refinement who have humor, you can indulge in a joke at their expense. +So says La Bruyere. Every visitor to America, who wants to bring back a +pleasant recollection of his stay there, should lay this to heart. + +Such are the impressions that I formed of the American during my first +trip to his country, and the more I think over the matter, the more sure +I am that they were correct. Curiosity is his chief little failing, and +good-fellowship his most prominent quality. This is the theme I will +develop and send to the Editor of the _North American Review_. I will +profit by having a couple of days to spend in New York to install myself +in a cosy corner of that cosiest of clubs, the "Players," and there +write it. + +It seems that, in the same number of this magazine, the same subject is +to be treated by Mr. Andrew Lang. He has never seen Jonathan at home, +and it will be interesting to see what impressions he has formed of him +abroad. In the hands of such a graceful writer, the "typical American" +is sure to be treated in a pleasant and interesting manner. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + I AM ASKED TO EXPRESS MYSELF FREELY ON AMERICA--I MEET MRS. BLANK AND + FOR THE FIRST TIME HEAR OF MR. BLANK--BEACON STREET SOCIETY--THE + BOSTON CLUBS. + + + _Boston, January 25._ + +It amuses me to notice how the Americans to whom I have the pleasure of +being introduced, refrain from asking me what I think of America. But +they invariably inquire if the impressions of my first visit are +confirmed. + +This afternoon, at an "At Home," I met a lady from New York, who asked +me a most extraordinary question. + +"I have read 'Jonathan and His Continent,'" she said to me. "I suppose +that is a book of impressions written for publication. But now, tell me +_en confidence_, what do you think of us?" + +"Is there anything in that book," I replied, "which can make you suppose +that it is not the faithful expression of what the author thinks of +America and the Americans?" + +"Well," she said, "it is so complimentary, taken altogether, that I must +confess I had a lurking suspicion of your having purposely flattered us +and indulged our national weakness for hearing ourselves praised, so as +to make sure of a warm reception for your book." + +"No doubt," I replied, "by writing a flattering book on any country, you +would greatly increase your chance of a large sale in that country; but, +on the other hand, you may write an abusive book on any country and +score a great success among that nation's neighbors. For my part, I have +always gone my own quiet way, philosophizing rather than opinionating, +and when I write, it is not with the aim of pleasing any particular +public. I note down what I see, say what I think, and people may read me +or not, just as they please. But I think I may boast, however, that my +pen is never bitter, and I do not care to criticise unless I feel a +certain amount of sympathy with the subject of my criticism. If I felt +that I could only honestly say hard things of people, I would always +abstain altogether." + +"Now," said my fair questioner, "how is it that you have so little to +say about our Fifth Avenue folks? Is it because you have seen very +little of them, or is it because you could only have said hard things of +them?" + +"On the contrary," I replied; "I saw a good deal of them, but what I saw +showed me that to describe them would be only to describe polite +society, as it exists in London and elsewhere. Society gossip is not in +my line; boudoir and club smoking-room scandal has no charm for me. +Fifth Avenue resembles too much Mayfair and Belgravia to make criticism +of it worth attempting." + +I knew this answer would have the effect of putting me into the lady's +good graces at once, and I was not disappointed. She accorded to me her +sweetest smile, as I bowed to her to go and be introduced to another +lady by the mistress of the house. + +[Illustration: FIFTH AVENUE FOLK.] + +The next lady was a Bostonian. I had to explain to her why I had not +spoken of Beacon Street people, using the same argument as in the case +of Fifth Avenue society, and with the same success. + + * * * * * + +At the same "At Home," I had the pleasure of meeting Mrs. Blank, whom I +had met many times in London and Paris. + +She is one of the crowd of pretty and clever women whom America sends to +brighten up European society, and who reappear in London and Paris with +the regularity of the swallows. You meet them everywhere, and conclude +that they must be married, since they are styled Mrs. and not Miss. But +whether they are wives, widows, or _divorcees_, you rarely think of +inquiring, and you may enjoy their friendship for years without knowing +whether they have a living lord or not. + +[Illustration: A TELEPHONE AND TICKER.] + +Mrs. Blank, as I say, is a most fascinating specimen of America's +daughters, and to-day I find that Mr. Blank is also very much alive, but +that the companions of his joys and sorrows are the telephone and the +ticker; in fact it is thanks to his devotion to these that the wife of +his bosom is able to adorn European society during every recurring +season. + +American women have such love for freedom and are so cool-headed that +their visits to Europe could not arouse suspicion even in the most +malicious. But, nevertheless, I am glad to have heard of Mr. Blank, +because it is comfortable to have one's mind at rest on these subjects. +Up to now, whenever I had been asked, as sometimes happened, though +seldom: "Who is Mr. Blank, and where is he?" I had always answered: +"Last puzzle out!" + + * * * * * + +Lunched to-day in the beautiful Algonquin Club, as the guest of Colonel +Charles H. Taylor, and met the editors of the other Boston papers, among +whom was John Boyle O'Reilly,[1] the lovely poet, and the delightful +man. The general conversation turned on two subjects most interesting to +me, viz., American journalism, and American politics. All these +gentlemen seemed to agree that the American people take an interest in +local politics only, but not in imperial politics, and this explains why +the papers of the smaller towns give detailed accounts of what is going +on in the houses of legislature of both city and State, but do not +concern themselves about what is going on in Washington. I had come to +that conclusion myself, seeing that the great papers of New York, +Boston, Philadelphia, Chicago devoted columns to the sayings and doings +of the political world in London and Paris, and seldom a paragraph to +the sittings of Congress in Washington. + +In the morning, before lunch, I had called on Mr. John Holmes, the +editor of the Boston _Herald_, and there met a talented lady who writes +under the _nom de plume_ of "Max Eliot," and with whom I had a +delightful half-hour's chat. + +I have had to-day the pleasure of meeting the editors of all the Boston +newspapers. + + * * * * * + +In the evening, I dined with the members of the New England Club, who +meet every month to listen, at dessert, to some interesting debate or +lecture. The wine is supplied by bets. You bet, for instance, that the +sun will shine on the following Friday at half-past two. If you lose, +you are one of those who will have to supply one, two, or three bottles +of champagne at the next dinner, and so on. This evening the lecture, or +rather the short address, was given by Colonel Charles H. Taylor on the +history of American journalism. I was particularly interested to hear +the history of the foundation of the New York _Herald_, by James Gordon +Bennett, and that of the New York _World_, by Mr. Pulitzer, a Hungarian +emigrant, who, some years ago, arrived in the States, unable to speak +English, became jack-of-all-trades, then a reporter on a German paper, +proprietor of a Western paper, and then bought the _World_, which is now +one of the best paying concerns in the whole of the United States. This +man, who, to maintain himself, not in health, but just alive, is obliged +to be constantly traveling, directs the paper by telegraph from +Australia, from Japan, from London, or wherever he happens to be. It is +nothing short of marvelous. + + * * * * * + +I finished the evening in the St. Botolph Club, and I may say that I +have to-day spent one of the most delightful days of my life, with those +charming and highly cultured Bostonians, who, a New York witty friend of +mine declares, "are educated beyond their intellects." + +[Illustration] + + +FOOTNORE: + + [1] J. B. O'Reilly died in 1890. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + A LIVELY SUNDAY IN BOSTON--LECTURE IN THE BOSTON THEATER--DR. OLIVER + WENDELL HOLMES--THE BOOTH-MODJESKA COMBINATION. + + + _Boston, January 26._ + +"Max Eliot" devotes a charming and most flattering article to me in this +morning's _Herald_, embodying the conversation we had together yesterday +in the Boston _Herald's_ office. Many thanks, Max. + +A reception was given to me this afternoon by Citizen George Francis +Train, and I met many artists, journalists, and a galaxy of charming +women. + +The Citizen is pronounced to be the greatest crank on earth. I found him +decidedly eccentric, but entertaining, witty, and a first-rate +_raconteur_. He shakes hands with you in the Chinese fashion--he shakes +his own. He has taken a solemn oath that his body shall never come in +contact with the body of any one. + +A charming programme of music and recitations was gone through. + +The invitation cards issued for the occasion speak for themselves. + +[Illustration: THE CITIZEN SHAKES HANDS.] + + + CITIZEN + GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN'S + RECEPTION + To + CITOYEN MAX O'RELL. + + P.S.--"Demons" have checkmated "Psychos"! Invitations canceled! "Hub" + Boycotts Sunday Receptions! Boston half century behind New York and + Europe's Elite Society. (Ancient Athens still Ancient!) Regrets and + Regards! Good-by, Tremont! (The Proprietors not to blame.) + + _Vide_ some of his "Apothegmic Works"! (Reviewed in Pulitzer's New + York _World_ and Cosmos Press!) + + * * * * * + + John Bull et Son Ile! Les Filles de John Bull! Les Chers Voisins! + L'Ami Macdonald! John Bull, Junior! Jonathan et Son Continent! + L'Eloquence Francaise! etc. + + YOU ARE INVITED TO MEET + + this distinguished French Traveler, Author, and Lecturer (From the + land of Lafayette, Rochambeau, and De Grasse), + + AT MY SIXTH "POP-CORN RECEPTION"! + + SUNDAY, JANUARY TWENTY-SIXTH, From 2 to 7 P. M. + (Tremont House!) + + _Private Banquet Hall!_ _Fifty "Notables"!_ + + Talent from Dozen Operas and Theaters! All Stars! No Airs! No "Wall + Flowers"! No Amens! No Selahs! But "MUTUAL ADMIRATION CLUB OF GOOD + FELLOWSHIP"! No Boredom! No Formality! (Dress as you like!) No + Programme! (Pianos! Cellos! Guitars! Mandolins! Banjos! Violins! + Harmonicas! Zithers!) Opera, Theater and Press Represented! + + Succeeding Receptions: To Steele Mackaye! Nat Goodwin! Count Zubof + (St. Petersburg)! Prima Donna Clementina De Vere (Italy)! Albany Press + Club! (Duly announced printed invitations!) + + GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN, + Tremont House for Winter! + + Psychic Press thanks for friendly notices of Sunday Musicales! + +It will be seen from the "P. S." that the reception could not be held at +the Tremont House; but the plucky Citizen did not allow himself to be +beaten, and the reception took place at the house of a friend. + + * * * * * + +In the evening I lectured in the Boston Theater to a beautiful audience. + +If there is a horrible fascination about "the man who won't smile," as I +mentioned in a foregoing chapter, there is a lovely fascination about +the lady who seems to enjoy your lecture thoroughly. You watch the +effects of your remarks on her face, and her bright, intellectual eyes +keep you in good form the whole evening; in fact, you give the lecture +to her. I perhaps never felt the influence of that face more powerfully +than to-night. I had spoken for a few minutes, when Madame Modjeska, +accompanied by her husband, arrived and took a seat on the first row of +the orchestra stalls. To be able to entertain the great _tragedienne_ +became my sole aim, and as soon as I perceived that I was successful, I +felt perfectly proud and happy. I lectured to her the whole evening. Her +laughter and applause encouraged me, her beautiful, intellectual face +cheered me up, and I was able to introduce a little more acting and +by-play than usual. + +I had had the pleasure of making Madame Modjeska's acquaintance two +years ago, during my first visit to the United States, and it was a +great pleasure to be able to renew it after the lecture. + +I will go and see her _Ophelia_ to-morrow night. + + * * * * * + + _January 27._ + +Spent the whole morning wandering about Boston, and visiting a few +interesting places. Beacon Street, the public gardens, and Commonwealth +Avenue are among the finest thoroughfares I know. What enormous wealth +is contained in those miles of huge mansions! + +The more I see Boston, the more it strikes me as a great English city. +It has a character of its own, as no other American city has, excepting +perhaps Washington and Philadelphia. The solidity of the buildings, the +parks, the quietness of the women's dresses, the absence of the twang in +most of the voices, all remind you of England. + +After lunch I called on Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes. The "Autocrat of the +Breakfast Table" is now over eighty, but he is as young as ever, and +will die with a kind smile on his face and a merry twinkle in his eyes. +I know no more delightful talker than this delightful man. You may say +of him that every time he talks he says something. When he asked me what +it was I had found most interesting in America, I wished I could have +answered: "Why, my dear doctor, to see and to hear such a man as you, to +be sure!" But the doctor is so simple, so unaffected, that I felt an +answer of that kind, though perfectly sincere, would not have been one +calculated to please him. The articles "Over the Tea Cups," which he +writes every month for the _Atlantic Monthly_, and which will soon +appear in book form, are as bright, witty, humorous, and philosophic as +anything he ever wrote. Long may he live to delight his native land! + + * * * * * + +In the evening I went to see Mr. Edwin Booth and Madame Modjeska in +"Hamlet." By far the two greatest tragedians of America in Shakespeare's +greatest tragedy. I expected great things. I had seen Mounet-Sully in +the part, Henry Irving, Wilson Barrett; and I remembered the witty +French _quatrain_, published on the occasion of Mounet-Sully attempting +the part: + + Sans Fechter ni Riviere + Le cas etait hasardeux; + Jamais, non jamais sur terre, + On n'a fait d'Hamlet sans eux. + +I had seen Mr. Booth three times before. As _Brutus_, I thought he was +excellent. As _Richelieu_ he was certainly magnificent; as _Iago_ +ideally superb. + +His _Hamlet_ was a revelation to me. After seeing the raving _Hamlet_ of +Mounet-Sully, the somber _Hamlet_ of Irving, and the dreamy _Hamlet_ of +Wilson Barrett, I saw this evening _Hamlet_ the philosopher, the +rhetorician. + +Mr. Booth is too old to play _Hamlet_ as he does, that is to say, +without any attempt at making-up. He puts on a black wig, and that is +all, absolutely all. It is, however, a most remarkable, subtle piece of +acting in his hands. + +Madame Modjeska was beautiful as _Ophelia_. No _tragedienne_ that I have +ever seen weeps more naturally. In all sad situations she makes the +chords of one's heart vibrate, and that without any trick or artifice, +but simply by the modulations of her singularly sympathetic voice and +such like natural means. + +It is very seldom that you can see in America, outside of New York, more +than one very good actor or actress playing together. So you may imagine +the success of such a combination as Booth-Modjeska. + +Every night the theater is packed from floor to ceiling, although the +prices of admission are doubled. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + ST. JOHNSBURY--THE STATE OF MAINE--NEW ENGLAND SELF-CONTROL--COLD + CLIMATES AND FRIGID AUDIENCES--WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?--ALL DRUNK!--A + REMINISCENCE OF A SCOTCH AUDIENCE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. + + + _St. Johnsbury (Vt.), January 28._ + +ST. Johnsbury is a charming little town perched on the top of a +mountain, from which a lovely scene of hills and woods can be enjoyed. +The whole country is covered with snow, and as I looked at it in the +evening by the electric light, the effect was very beautiful. The town +has only six thousand inhabitants, eleven hundred of whom came to hear +my lecture to-night. Which is the European town of six thousand +inhabitants that would supply an audience of eleven hundred people to a +literary _causerie_? + +St. Johnsbury has a dozen churches, a public library of 15,000 volumes, +with a reading-room beautifully fitted with desks and perfectly adapted +for study. A museum, a Young Men's Christian Association, with +gymnasium, school-rooms, reading-rooms, play-rooms, and a lecture hall +capable of accommodating over 1000 people. Who, after that, would +consider himself an exile if he had to live in St. Johnsbury? There is +more intellectual life in it than in any French town outside of Paris +and about a dozen more large cities. + + * * * * * + + _Portsea, January 30._ + +I have been in the State of Maine for two days; a strange State to be +in, let me tell you. + +After addressing the Connecticut audience in Meriden a few days ago, I +thought I had had the experience of the most frigid audience that could +possibly be gathered together. Last Tuesday night, at Portsea, I was +undeceived. + +Half-way between St. Johnsbury and Portsea, the day before yesterday, I +was told that the train would be very late, and would not arrive at +Portsea before half-past eight. My lecture in that city was to begin at +eight. The only thing to do was to send a telegram to the manager of the +lecture. At the next station I sent the following: + +"Train late. If possible, keep audience waiting half an hour. Will dress +on board." + +I dressed in the state-room of the parlor-car. At forty minutes past +eight the train arrived at Portsea. I immediately jumped into a cab and +drove to the City Hall, where the lecture was to take place. The +building was lighted, but, as I ascended the stairs, there was not a +person to be seen or a sound to be heard. "The place is deserted," I +thought; "and if anybody came to hear me, they have all gone." + +I opened the door of the private room behind the platform and there +found the manager, who expressed his delight to see me. I excused +myself, and was going to enter into a detailed explanation when he +interrupted: + +[Illustration: I TIP-TOED OUT.] + +"Oh, that's all right." + +"What do you mean?" said I. "Have you got an audience there, on the +other side of that door?" + +"Why, we have got fifteen hundred people." + +"There?" said I, pointing to the door. + +"Yes, on the other side of that door." + +"But I can't hear a sound." + +"I guess you can't. But that's all right; they are there." + +"I suppose," I said, "I had better apologize to them for keeping them +waiting three-quarters of an hour." + +"Well, just as you please," said the manager. "I wouldn't." + +"Wouldn't you?" + +"No; I guess they would have waited another half-hour without showing +any sign of impatience." + +I opened the door trembling. My desk was far, far away. My manager was +right; the audience was there. I stepped on the platform, shut the door +after me, making as little noise as I could, and, walking on tiptoe so +as to wake up as few people as possible, proceeded toward the table. Not +one person applauded. A few people looked up unconcernedly, as if to +say, "I guess that's the show." The rest seemed asleep, although their +eyes were open. + +Arrived at the desk, I faced the audience, and ventured a little joke, +which fell dead flat. + +I began to realize the treat that was in store for me that night. + +I tried another little joke, and--missed fire. + +"Never mind, old fellow," I said to myself; "it's two hundred and fifty +dollars; go ahead." + +And I went on. + +I saw a few people smile, but not one laughed, although I noticed that a +good many were holding their handkerchiefs over their mouths, probably +to stifle any attempt at such a frivolous thing as laughter. The eyes of +the audience, which I always watch, showed signs of interest, and nobody +left the hall until the conclusion of the lecture. When I had finished, +I made a small bow, when certainly fifty people applauded. I imagined +they were glad it was all over. + +"Well," I said to the manager, when I had returned to the little back +room, "I suppose we must call this a failure." + +"A failure!" said he; "it's nothing of the sort. Why, I have never seen +them so enthusiastic in my life!" + +I went to the hotel, and tried to forget the audience I had just had by +recalling to my mind a joyous evening in Scotland. This happened about a +year ago, in a mining town in the neighborhood of Glasgow, where I had +been invited to lecture, on a Saturday night, to the members of a +popular--very popular--Institute. + +[Illustration: I AM ESCORTED TO THE HALL.] + +I arrived at the station from Glasgow at half-past seven, and there +found the secretary and the treasurer of the Institute, who had been +kind enough to come and meet me. We shook hands. They gave me a few +words of welcome. I thought my friends looked a little bit queer. They +proposed that we should walk to the lecture hall. The secretary took my +right arm, the treasurer took my left, and, abreast, the three of us +proceeded toward the hall. They did not take me to that place; _I_ took +them, holding them fast all the way--the treasurer especially. + +We arrived in good time, although we stopped once for light refreshment. +At eight punctually, I entered the hall, preceded by the president, and +followed by the members of the committee. The president introduced me in +a most queer, incoherent speech. I rose, and was vociferously cheered. +When silence was restored, I said in a calm, almost solemn manner: +"Ladies and Gentlemen." This was the signal for more cheering and +whistling. In France whistling means hissing, and I began to feel +uneasy, but soon I bore in mind that whistling, in the North of Great +Britain, was used to express the highest pitch of enthusiasm. + +So I went on. + +The audience laughed at everything I said, and even before I said it. I +had never addressed such keen people. They seemed so anxious to laugh +and cheer in the right place that they laughed and cheered all the +time--so much so that in an hour and twenty minutes, I had only got +through half my lecture, which I had to bring to a speedy conclusion. + +The president rose and proposed a vote of thanks in another most queer +speech, which was a new occasion for cheering. + +When we had retired in the committee room, I said to the secretary: +"What's the matter with the president? Is he quite right?" I added, +touching my forehead. + +"Oh!" said the secretary, striking his chest as proudly as possible, "he +is drunk--and so am I." + +[Illustration: "HE'S DRUNK, AND SO AM I."] + +The explanation of the whole strange evening dawned upon me. Of course +they were drunk, and so was the audience. + +That night, I believe I was the only sober person on the premises. + + * * * * * + +Yesterday, I had an interesting chat with a native of the State of Maine +on the subject of my lecture at Portsea. + +"You are perfectly wrong," he said to me, "in supposing that your +lecture was not appreciated. I was present, and I can assure you that +the attentive silence in which they listened to you from beginning to +end is the proof that they appreciated you. You would also be wrong in +supposing that they do not appreciate humor. On the contrary, they are +very keen of it, and I believe that the old New Englander was the father +of American humor, through the solemn manner in which he told comic +things, and the comic manner in which he told the most serious ones. +Yes, they are keen of humor, and their apparent want of appreciation is +only due to reserve, to self-control." + +And, as an illustration of it, my friend told me the following anecdote +which, I have no doubt, a good many Americans have heard before: + +Mark Twain had lectured to a Maine audience without raising a single +laugh in his listeners, when, at the close, he was thanked by a +gentleman who came to him in the green-room, to tell him how hugely +every one had enjoyed his amusing stories. When the lecturer expressed +his surprise at this announcement, as the audience had not laughed, the +gentleman added: + +"Yes, we never were so amused in our lives, and if you had gone on five +minutes more, upon my word I don't think we could have held out any +longer." + +Such is New England self-control. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + A LOVELY RIDE TO CANADA--QUEBEC, A CORNER OF OLD FRANCE STRAYED UP AND + LOST IN THE SNOW--THE FRENCH CANADIANS--THE PARTIES IN CANADA--WILL + THE CANADIANS BECOME YANKEES? + + + _Montreal, February 1._ + +The ride from the State of Maine to Montreal is very picturesque, even +in the winter. It offers you four or five hours of Alpine scenery +through the American Switzerland. The White Mountains, commanded by +Mount Washington, are, for a distance of about forty miles, as wild and +imposing as anything the real Switzerland can supply the tourist. +Gorges, precipices, torrents, nothing is wanting. + +Nearly the whole time we journeyed across pine forests, coming, now and +then, across saw mills, and little towns looking like bee-hives of +activity. Now there was an opening, and frozen rivers, covered with +snow, formed, with the fields, a huge uniform mass of dazzling +whiteness. The effect, under a pure blue sky and in a perfectly clear +atmosphere, was very beautiful. Now the country became hilly again. On +the slopes, right down to the bottom of the valley, we saw Berlin Falls, +bathing its feet in the river. The yellow houses with their red roofs +and gables, rest the eyes from that long stretch of blue and white. How +beautiful this town and its surroundings must be in the fall, when Dame +Nature in America puts on her cloak of gold and scarlet! All the country +on the line we traveled is engaged in the lumber trade. + +For once I had an amiable conductor in the parlor car; even more than +amiable--quite friendly and familiar. He put his arms on my shoulders +and got quite patronizing. I did not mind that a bit. I hate anonymous +landscapes, and he explained and named everything to me. My innocence of +American things in general touched him. He was a great treat after those +"ill-licked bears" that you so often come across in the American cars. +He went further than that: he kindly recommended me to the Canadian +custom-house officers, when we arrived at the frontier, and the +examination of my trunk and valise did not last half a minute. + +[Illustration: THE AMIABLE CONDUCTOR.] + +Altogether, the long journey passed rapidly and agreeably. We were only +two people in the parlor car, and my traveling companion proved a very +pleasant man. First, I did not care for the look of him. He had a new +silk hat on, a multicolored satin cravat with a huge diamond pin fixed +in it; a waistcoat covered with silk embroidery work, green, blue, and +pink; a coat with silk facings, patent-leather boots. Altogether, he was +rather dressed for a garden party (in more than doubtful taste) than for +a fifteen hours' railway journey. But in America the cars are so +luxurious and kept so warm that traveling dresses are not known in the +country. Ulsters, cloaks, rugs, garments made of tweed and rough +materials, all these things are unnecessary and therefore unknown. I +soon found out, however, that this quaintly got-up man was interesting +to speak to. He knew every bit of the country we passed, and, being +easily drawn out, he poured into my ears information that was as rapid +as it was valuable. He was well read and had been to Europe several +times. He spoke of France with great enthusiasm, which enrolled my +sympathy, and he had enjoyed my lecture, which, you may imagine, secured +for his intelligence and his good taste my boundless admiration. When we +arrived at Montreal, we were a pair of friends. + + * * * * * + +I begin my Canadian tour here on Monday and then shall go West. I was in +Quebec two years ago; but the dear old place is not on my list this +time. No words could express my regret. I shall never forget my feelings +on landing under the great cliff on which stands the citadel, and on +driving, bumped along in a sleigh over the half-thawed snow, in the +street that lies under the fortress, and on through the other quaint +winding steep streets, and again under the majestic archways to the +upper town, where I was set down at the door of the Florence, a quiet, +delightful little hotel that the visitor to Quebec should not fail to +stop at, if he like home comforts and care to enjoy magnificent scenery +from his window. It seemed as though I was in France, in my dear old +Brittany. It looked like St. Malo strayed up here and lost in the snow. +The illusion became complete when I saw the gray houses, heard the +people talk with the Breton intonation, and saw over the shops Langlois, +Maillard, Clouet, and all the names familiar to my childhood. But why +say "illusion"? It was a fact: I was in France. These folks have given +their faith to England, but, as the Canadian poet says, they have kept +their hearts for France. Not only their hearts, but their manners and +their language. Oh, there was such pleasure in it all! The lovely +weather, the beautiful scenery, the kind welcome given to me, the +delight of seeing these children of Old France, more than three thousand +miles from home, happy and thriving--a feast for the eyes, a feast for +the heart. And the drive to Montmorency Falls in the sleigh, gliding +smoothly along on the hard snow! And the sleighs laden with wood for the +Quebec folks, the carmen stimulating their horses with a _hue la_ or +_hue donc_! And the return to the Florence, where a good dinner served +in a private room awaited us! And that polite, quiet, attentive French +girl who waited on us, the antipodes of the young Yankee lady who makes +you sorry that breakfasting and dining are necessary, in some American +hotels, and whose waiting is like taking sand and vinegar with your +food! + +The mere spanking along through the cold, brisk air, when you are well +muffled in furs is exhilarating, especially when the sun is shining in +a cloudless blue sky. The beautiful scenery at Quebec was, besides, a +feast for eyes tired with the monotonous flatness of America. The old +city is on a perfect mountain, and as we came bumping down its side in +our sleigh over the roads which were there in a perfect state of +sherbet, there was a lovely picture spread out in front of us. In the +distance the bluest mountains I ever saw (to paint them one must use +pure cobalt); away to the right the frozen St. Lawrence and the Isle of +Orleans, all snow-covered, of course, but yet distinguishable from the +farm lands of Jacques Bonhomme, whose cosy, clean cottages we soon began +to pass. The long, ribbon-like strips of farm were indicated by the tops +of the fences peeping through the snow, and told us of French thrift and +prosperity. + +[Illustration: "THAT QUIET, ATTENTIVE FRENCH GIRL."] + +Yes, it was all delightful. When I left Quebec I felt as much regret as +I do every time that I leave my little native town. + + * * * * * + +I have been told that the works of Voltaire are prohibited in Quebec, +not so much because they are irreligious as because they were written by +a man who, after the loss of Quebec to the French Crown, exclaimed: "Let +us not be concerned about the loss of a few acres of snow." The memory +of Voltaire is execrated, and for having made a flattering reference to +him on the platform in Montreal two years ago, I was near being +"boycotted" by the French population. + +The French Canadians take very little interest in politics--I mean in +outside politics. They are steady, industrious, saving, peaceful, and so +long as the English leave them alone, in the safe enjoyment of their +belongings, they will not give them cause for any anxiety. Among the +French Canadians there is no desire for annexation to the United States. +Indeed, during the War of Independence, Canada was saved to the English +Crown by the French Canadians, not because the latter loved the English, +but because they hated the Yankees. When Lafayette took it for granted +that the French Canadians would rally round his flag, he made a great +mistake; they would have, if compelled to fight, used their bullets +against the Americans. If they had their own way, the French in Canada +would set up a little country of their own under the rule of the +Catholic Church, a little corner of France two hundred years old. + +The education of the lower classes is at a very low stage; thirty per +cent. of the children of school age in Quebec do not attend school. The +English dare not introduce gratuitous and compulsory education. They +have an understanding with the Catholic Church, which insists upon +exercising entire control over public education. The Quebec schools are +little more than branches of the confessional box. The English shut +their eyes, for part of the understanding with the Church is that the +latter will keep loyalty to the English Crown alive among her submissive +flock. + +The tyranny exercised by the Catholic Church may easily be imagined from +the following newspaper extract: + + A well-to-do butcher of Montreal attended the Catholic Church at Ile + Perrault last Sunday. He was suffering at the time with acute cramps, + and when that part of the service arrived during which the + congregation kneel, he found himself unable to do more than assume a + reclining devotional position, with one knee on the floor. His action + was noticed, and the church-warden, in concert with others, had him + brought before the court charged with an act of irreverence, and he + was fined $8 and costs. + +Such a judgment does not only expose the tyranny of the Catholic Church, +but the complicity of the English, who uphold Romanism in the Province +of Quebec as they uphold Buddhism in India, so as not to endanger the +security of their possessions. + +The French Canadians are multiplying so rapidly that in a very few years +the Province of Quebec will be as French as the town of Quebec itself. +Every day they push their advance from east to west. They generally +marry very young. When a lad is seen in the company of a girl, he is +asked by the priest if he is courting that girl. In which case he is +bidden to go straightway to the altar, and these young couples rear +families of twelve and fifteen children, none of whom leave the country. +The English have to make room for them. + +[Illustration: AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRIEST.] + +The average attendance in Catholic churches on Sundays in Montreal is +111,483; in the sixty churches that belong to the different Protestant +denominations, the average attendance is 34,428. The former number has +been steadily increasing, the latter steadily decreasing. + + * * * * * + +What is the future reserved to French Canada, and indeed to the whole +Dominion? + +There are only two political parties, Liberals and Conservatives, but I +find the population divided into four camps: Those in favor of Canada, +an independent nation; those in favor of the political union of Canada +and the United States; those in favor of Canada going into Imperial +Federation, and those in favor of Canada remaining an English colony, or +in other words, in favor of the actual state of things. + +Of course the French Canadians are dead against going into Imperial +Federation, which would simply crush them, and Canadian "society" is in +favor of remaining English. The other Canadians seem pretty equally +divided. + +It must be said that the annexation idea has been making rapid progress +of late years, among prominent men as well as among the people. The +Americans will never fire one shot to have the idea realized. If ever +the union becomes an accomplished fact, it will become so with the +assent of all parties. The task will be made easy through Canada and the +United States having the same legislature. The local and provincial +governments are the same in the Canadian towns and provinces as they are +in the American towns and States--a House of Representatives, a Senate, +and a Governor, with this difference, this great difference, to the +present advantage of Canada: whereas every four years the Americans +elect a new master, who appoints a ministry responsible to himself +alone, the Canadians have a ministry responsible to their parliament, +that is, to themselves. The representation of the American people at +Washington is democratic, but the government is autocratic. In Canada, +both legislature and executive are democratic, as in England, that +greatest and truest of all democracies. + +The change in Canada would have to be made on the American plan. + +With the exception of Quebec and parts of Montreal, Canada is built like +America; the country has the same aspect, the currency is the same. +Suppress the Governor-General in Ottawa, who is there to remind Canada +that she is a dependency of the English Crown, strew the country with +more cuspidores, and you have part of Jonathan's big farm. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + MONTREAL--THE CITY--MOUNT ROYAL--CANADIAN SPORTS--OTTAWA--THE + GOVERNMENT--RIDEAU HALL. + + + _Montreal, February 2._ + +Montreal is a large and well-built city, containing many buildings of +importance, mostly churches, of which about thirty are Roman Catholic, +and over sixty are devoted to Protestant worship, in all its branches +and variations, from the Anglican church to the Salvation Army. + +I arrived at a station situated on a level with the St. Lawrence River. +From it, we mounted in an omnibus up, up, up, through narrow streets +full of shops with Breton or Norman names over them, as in Quebec; on +through broader ones, where the shops grew larger and the names became +more frequently English; on, on, till I thought Montreal had no end, +and, at last alighted on a great square, and found myself at the door of +the Windsor Hotel, an enormous and fine construction, which has proved +the most comfortable, and, in every respect the best hotel I have yet +stopped at on the great American continent. It is about a quarter of a +mile from my bedroom to the dining-hall, which could, I believe, +accommodate nearly a thousand guests. + +My first visit was to an afternoon "At Home," given by the St. George's +Club, who have a club-house high up on Mount Royal. It was a ladies' +day, and there was music, dancing, etc. We went in a sleigh up the very +steep hill, much to my astonishment. I should have thought the thing +practically impossible. On our way we passed a toboggan slide down the +side of Mount Royal. It took my breath away to think of coming down it +at the rate of over a mile a minute. The view from the club-house was +splendid, taking in a great sweep of snow-covered country, the city and +the frozen St. Lawrence. There are daily races on the river, and last +year they ran tram-cars on it. + +[Illustration: THE OLD GENTLEMAN AND THE TOBOGGAN SLIDE.] + +It was odd to hear the phrase, "after the flood." When I came to inquire +into it, I learned that when the St. Lawrence ice breaks up, the lower +city is flooded, and this is yearly spoken of as "the flood." + +I drove back from the club with my manager and two English gentlemen, +who are here on a visit. As we passed the toboggan slide, my manager +told me of an old gentleman over sixty, who delights in those breathless +passages down the side of Mount Royal. One may see him out there "at +it," as early as ten in the morning. Plenty of people, however, try one +ride and never ask for another. One gentleman my manager told me of, +after having tried it, expressed pretty well the feelings of many +others. He said, "I wouldn't do it again for two thousand dollars, but I +wouldn't have missed it for three." I asked one of the two Englishmen +who accompanied us, whether he had had a try. He was a quiet, solemn, +middle-aged Englishman. "Well," he said, "yes, I have. It had to be +done, and I did it." + +[Illustration: A SNOWSHOER.] + +Last night I was most interested in watching the members of the Snowshoe +Club start from the Windsor, on a kind of a picnic over the country. +Their costumes were very picturesque; a short tunic of woolen material +fastened round the waist by a belt, a sort of woolen nightcap, with +tassel falling on the shoulder, thick woolen stockings, and +knickerbockers. + +In Russia and the northern parts of the United States, the people say: +"It's too cold to go out." In Canada, they say: "It's very cold, let's +all go out." Only rain keeps them indoors. In the coldest weather, with +a temperature of many degrees below zero, you have great difficulty in +finding a closed carriage. All, or nearly all, are open sleighs. The +driver wraps you up in furs, and as you go, gliding on the snow, your +face is whipped by the cold air, you feel glowing all over with warmth, +and altogether the sensation is delightful. + +This morning, Joseph Howarth, the talented American actor, breakfasted +with me and a few friends. Last night, I went to see him play in Steele +Mackaye's "Paul Kauvar." Canada has no actors worth mentioning, and the +people here depend on American artists for all their entertainments. It +is wonderful how the feeling of independence engenders and develops the +activity of the mind in a country. Art and literature want a home of +their own, and do not flourish in other people's houses. Canada has +produced nothing in literature: the only two poets she can boast are +French, Louis Frechette and Octave Cremazie. It is not because Canada +has no time for brain productions. America is just as busy as she is, +felling forests and reclaiming the land; but free America, only a +hundred years old as a nation, possesses already a list of historians, +novelists, poets, and essayists, that would do honor to any nation in +the world. + + * * * * * + + _February 4._ + +I had capital houses in the Queen's Hall last night and to-night. + +The Canadian audiences are more demonstrative than the American ones, +and certainly quite as keen and appreciative. When you arrive on the +platform they are glad to see you, and they let you know it; a fact +which in America, in New England especially, you have to find out for +yourself. + +Montreal possesses a very wealthy and fashionable community, and what +strikes me most, coming as I do from the United States, is the stylish +simplicity of the women. I am told that Canadian women in their tastes +and ways have always been far more English than American, and that the +fashions have grown more and more simple since Princess Louise gave the +example of always dressing quietly when occupying Rideau Hall in Ottawa. + + * * * * * + + _Ottawa, February 5._ + +One of the finest sights I have yet seen in this country was from the +bridge on my way from the station to the Russell this morning. On the +right the waterfalls, on the left, on the top of a high and almost +perpendicular rock, the Houses of Parliament, a grand pile of buildings +in gray stone, standing out clear against a cloudless, intense blue sky. +The Russell is one of those huge babylonian hotels so common on the +American continent, where unfortunately the cookery is not on a level +with the architectural pretensions; but most of the leading Canadian +politicians are boarding here while Parliament is sitting, and I am +interested to see them. + +After visiting the beautiful library and other parts of the government +buildings, I had the good luck to hear, in the House of Representatives, +a debate between Mr. Chapleau, a minister and one of the leaders of the +Conservatives now in office, and Mr. Laurier, one of the chiefs of the +Opposition. Both gentlemen are French. It was a fight between a tribune +and a scholar; between a short, thickset, long-maned lion, and a tall, +slender, delicate fox. + +[Illustration: "THE RADIANT, LOVELY CANADIENNE."] + +After lunch, I went to Rideau Hall, the residence of the +Governor-General, Lord Stanley of Preston. The executive mansion stands +in a pretty park well wooded with firs, a mile out of the town. His +Excellency was out, but his aid-de-camp, to whom I had a letter of +introduction, most kindly showed me over the place. Nothing can be more +simple and unpretentious than the interior of Rideau Hall. It is +furnished like any comfortable little provincial hotel patronized by the +gentry of the neighborhood. The panels of the drawing-room were painted +by Princess Louise, when she occupied the house with the Marquis of +Lorne some eight or ten years ago. This is the only touch of luxury +about the place. In the time of Lord Dufferin, a ball-room and a tennis +court were added to the building, and these are among the many souvenirs +of his popular rule. As a diplomatist, as a viceroy, and as an +ambassador, history will one day record that this noble son of Erin +never made a mistake. + +In the evening, I lectured in the Opera House to a large audience. + + * * * * * + + _Kingston, February 6._ + +This morning, at the Russell, I was called at the telephone. It was His +Excellency, who was asking me to lunch at Rideau Hall. I felt sorry to +be obliged to leave Ottawa, and thus forego so tempting an invitation. + +Kingston is a pretty little town on the border of Lake Ontario, +possessing a university, a penitentiary, and a lunatic asylum, in +neither of which I made my appearance to-night. But as soon as I had +started speaking on the platform of the Town Hall, I began to think the +doors of the lunatic asylum had been carelessly left open that night, +for close under the window behind the platform, there began a noise +which was like Bedlam let loose. Bedlam with trumpets and other +instruments of torture. It was impossible to go on with the lecture, so +I stopped. On inquiry, the unearthly din was found to proceed from a +detachment of the Salvation Army outside the building. After some +parleying, they consented to move on and storm some other citadel. + +But it was a stormy evening, and peace was not yet. + +[Illustration: A SALVATIONIST.] + +As soon as I had fairly restarted, a person in the audience began to +show signs of disapproval, and twice or thrice he gave vent to his +disapproval rather loudly. + +I was not surprised to learn, at the close of the evening, that this +individual had come in with a free pass. He had been admitted on the +strength of his being announced to give a "show" of some sort himself a +week later in the hall. + +If a man is inattentive or creates a disturbance at any performance, you +may take it for granted that his ticket was given to him. He never paid +for it. + +To-morrow I go to Toronto, where I am to give two lectures. I had not +time to see that city properly on my last visit to Canada, and all my +friends prophesy that I shall have a good time. + +So does the advance booking, I understand. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + TORONTO--THE CITY--THE LADIES--THE SPORTS--STRANGE CONTRASTS--THE + CANADIAN SCHOOLS. + + + _Toronto, February 9._ + +Have passed three very pleasant days in this city, and had two beautiful +audiences in the Pavilion. + +Toronto is a thoroughly American city in appearance, but only in +appearance, for I find the inhabitants British in heart, in tastes, and +habits. When I say that it is an American city, I mean to say that +Toronto is a large area, covered with blocks of parallelograms and dirty +streets, overspread with tangles of telegraph and telephone wires. The +hotels are perfectly American in every respect. + +The suburbs are exceedingly pretty. Here once more are fine villas +standing in large gardens, a sight rarely seen near an American city. It +reminds me of England. I admire many buildings, the University[2] +especially. + +English-looking, too, are the rosy faces of the Toronto ladies whom I +passed in my drive. How charming they are with the peach-like bloom that +their outdoor exercise gives them! + +I should like to be able to describe, as it deserves, the sight of +these Canadian women in their sleighs, as the horses fly along with +bells merrily jingling, the coachman in his curly black dogskin and huge +busby on his head. Furs float over the back of the sleigh, and, in it, +muffled up to the chin in sumptuous skins and also capped in furs, sits +the radiant, lovely Canadienne, the milk and roses of her complexion +enhanced by the proximity of the dark furs. As they skim past over the +white snow, under a glorious sunlit blue sky, I can call to mind no +prettier sight, no more beautiful picture, to be seen on this huge +continent, so far as I have got yet. + +One cannot help being struck, on coming here from the United States, at +the number of lady pedestrians in the streets. They are not merely +shopping, I am assured, nor going straight from one point to another of +the town, but taking their constitutional walks in true English fashion. +My impresario took me in the afternoon to a club for ladies and +gentlemen, and there I had the, to me, novel sight of a game of hockey. +On a large frozen pond there was a party of young people engaged in this +graceful and invigorating game, and not far off was a group of little +girls and boys imitating their elders very sensibly and, as it seemed to +me, successfully. The clear, healthy complexion of the Canadian women is +easy to account for, when one sees how deep-rooted, even after +transplantation, is the good British love of exercise in the open air. + +Last evening I was taken to a ball, and was able to see more of the +Canadian ladies than is possible in furs, and on further acquaintance I +found them as delightful in manners as in appearance; English in their +coloring and in their simplicity of dress, American in their natural +bearing and in their frankness of speech. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HOCKEY PLAYER.] + +Churches, churches, everywhere. In my drive this afternoon, I counted +twenty-eight in a quarter of an hour. They are of all denominations, +Catholic, Anglican, Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, etc., etc. The +Canadians must be still more religious--I mean still more +church-going--than the English. + +From seven in the evening on Saturday, all the taverns are closed, and +remain closed throughout Sunday. In England the Bible has to compete +with the gin bottle, but here the Bible has all its own way on Sundays. +Neither tram-car, omnibus, cab, nor hired carriage of any description is +to be seen abroad. Scotland itself is outdone completely; the land of +John Knox has to take a back seat. + +The walls of this city of churches and chapels are at the present moment +covered with huge coarse posters announcing in loud colors the arrival +of a company of performing women. Of these posters, one represents +Cleopatra in a bark drawn through the water by nude female slaves. +Another shows a cavalcade of women dressed in little more than a +fig-leaf. Yet another represents the booking-office of the theater +stormed by a crowd of _blase_-looking, single eye-glassed old _beaux_, +grinning with pleasure in anticipation of the show within. Another +poster displays the charms of the proprietress of the undertaking. You +must not, however, imagine any harm of the performers whose attractions +are so liberally placarded. They are taken to their cars in the depot +immediately after the performance and locked up; there is an +announcement to that effect. These placards are merely eye-ticklers. But +this mixture of churches, strict sabbatarianism, and posters of this +kind, is part of the eternal history of the Anglo-Saxon race--violent +contrast. + + * * * * * + +Aschool inspector has kindly shown me several schools in the town. + +The children of rich and poor alike are educated together in the public +schools, from which they get promoted to the high schools. All these +schools are free. Boys and girls sit on the same benches and receive the +same education, as in the United States. This enables the women in the +New World to compete with men for all the posts that we Europeans +consider the monopoly of man; it also enables them to enjoy all the +intellectual pleasures of life. If it does not prevent them, as it has +yet to be proved that it does, from being good wives and mothers, the +educational system of the New World is much superior to the European +one. It is essentially democratic. Europe will have to adopt it. + +Society in the Old World will not stand long on its present basis. There +will always be rich and poor, but every child that is born will require +to be given a chance, and, according as he avails himself of it or not, +will be successful or a failure. But give him a chance, and the greatest +and most real grievance of mankind in the present day will be removed. + +Every child that is born in America, whether in the United States or in +Canada, has that chance. + +[Illustration] + + +FOOTNOTE: + + [2] Destroyed by fire three days after I left Toronto. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + WEST CANADA--RELATIONS BETWEEN BRITISH AND INDIANS--RETURN TO THE + UNITED STATES--DIFFICULTIES IN THE WAY--ENCOUNTER WITH AN AMERICAN + CUSTOM-HOUSE OFFICER. + + + _In the train from Canada to Chicago, February 15._ + +Lectured in Bowmanville, Ont., on the 12th, in Brantford on the 13th, +and in Sarnia on the 14th, and am now on my way to Chicago, to go from +there to Wisconsin and Minnesota. + +From Brantford I drove to the Indian Reservation, a few miles from the +town. This visit explained to me why the English are so successful with +their colonies: they have inborn in them the instinct of diplomacy and +government. + +Whereas the Americans often swindle, starve, and shoot the Indians, the +English keep them in comfort. England makes paupers and lazy drunkards +of them, and they quietly and gradually disappear. She supplies them +with bread, food, Bibles, and fire-water, and they become so lazy that +they will not even take the trouble to sow the land of their +reservations. Having a dinner supplied to them, they give up hunting, +riding, and all their native sports, and become enervated. They go to +school and die of attacks of civilization. England gives them money to +celebrate their national fetes and rejoicings, and the good Indians +shout at the top of their voices, _God save the Queen!_ that is--_God +save our pensions!_ + +[Illustration: THE BRITISH INDIAN.] + +England, or Great Britain, or again, if you prefer, Greater Britain, +goes further than that. In Brantford, in the middle of a large square, +you can see the statue of the Indian chief Brant, erected to his memory +by public subscriptions collected among the British Canadians. + +Here lies the secret of John Bull's success as a colonizer. To erect a +statue to an Indian chief is a stroke of genius. + + * * * * * + +What has struck me as most American in Canada is, perhaps, journalism. + +Montreal, Toronto, Ottawa, Quebec possess excellent newspapers, and +every little town can boast one or two journals. + +The tone of these papers is thoroughly American in its liveliness--I had +almost said, in its loudness. All are readable and most cleverly edited. +Each paragraph is preceded by a neat and attractive heading. As in the +American papers, the editorials, or leading articles, are of secondary +importance. The main portion of the publication is devoted to news, +interviews, stories, gossip, jokes, anecdotes, etc. + +The Montreal papers are read by everybody in the Province of Quebec, and +the Toronto papers in the Province of Ontario, so that the newspapers +published in small towns are content with giving all the news of the +locality. Each of these has a "society" column. Nothing is more amusing +than to read of the society doings in these little towns. "Miss Brown is +visiting Miss Smith." "Miss Smith had tea with Miss Robinson yesterday." +When Miss Brown, or Miss Smith, or Miss Robinson has given a party, the +names of all the guests are inserted as well as what they had for +dinner, or for supper, as the case may be. So I take it for granted that +when anybody gives a party, a ball, a dinner, a reporter receives an +invitation to describe the party in the next issue of the paper. + + * * * * * + +At nine o'clock this evening, I left Sarnia, on the frontier of Canada, +to cross the river and pass into the United States. The train left the +town, and, on arriving on the bank of the River St. Clair, was divided +into two sections which were run on board the ferry-boat and made the +crossing side by side. The passage across the river occupied about +twenty minutes. On arriving at the other bank, at Port Huron, in the +State of Michigan, the train left the boat in the same fashion as it had +gone on board, the two parts were coupled together, and the journey on +_terra firma_ was smoothly resumed. + +There is something fascinating about crossing a river at night, and I +had promised myself some agreeable moments on board the ferry-boat, from +which I should be able to see Port Huron lit up with twinkling lights. I +was also curious to watch the train boarding the boat. But, alas, I had +reckoned without my host. Instead of star-gazing and _reverie_, there +was in store for me a "bad quarter of an hour." + +No sooner had the train boarded the ferry-boat than there came to the +door of the parlor car a surly-looking, ill-mannered creature, who +roughly bade me come to the baggage van, in the other section of the +train, and open my trunks for him to inspect. + +As soon as I had complied, he went down on his knees among my baggage, +and it was plain to see that he meant business. + +The first thing he took out was a suit of clothes, which he threw on the +dirty floor of the van. + +"Have these been worn?" he said. + +"They have," I replied. + +Then he took out a blue jacket which I used to cross the Atlantic. + +[Illustration: "HAVE YOU WORN THIS?"] + +"Have you worn this?" + +"Yes, for the last two years." + +"Is that all?" he said, with a low sardonic grin. + +My trunk was the only one he had to examine, as I was the only passenger +in the parlor car; and I saw that he meant to annoy me, which, I +imagined, he could do with perfect impunity. + +The best thing, in fact, the only thing to do was to take the +misadventure good-humoredly. + +He took out my linen and examined it in detail. + +"Have these shirts all been worn?" + +"Well, I guess they have. But how is it that you, an official of the +government, seem to ignore the law of your own country? Don't you know +that if all these articles are for my own private use, they are not +dutiable, whether new or not?" + +The man did not answer. + +He took out more linen, which he put on the floor, and spreading open a +pair of unmentionables, he asked again: + +"Have you worn this? It looks quite new." + +I nodded affirmatively. + +He then took out a pair of socks. + +"Have you worn these?" + +"I don't know," I said. "Have a sniff at them." + +He continued his examination, and was about to throw my evening suit on +the floor. I had up to now been _almost_ amused at the proceedings, but +I felt my good-humor was going, and the lion began to wag its tail. I +took the man by the arm, and looking at him sternly, I said: + +"Now, you put this carefully on the top of some other clothes." + +He looked at me and complied. + +By this time all the contents of my large trunk were spread on the +floor. + +He got up on his feet and said: + +"Have I looked everywhere?" + +"No," I said, "you haven't. Do you know how the famous Regent diamond, +worn by the last kings of France on their crowns, was smuggled into +French territory?" + +[Illustration: THE CONTENTS.] + +The creature looked at me with an air of impudence. + +"No, I don't," he replied. + +I explained to him, and added: + +"You have not looked _there_." + +The lion, that lies dormant at the bottom of the quietest man, was +fairly roused in me, and on the least provocation, I would have given +this man a first-class hiding. + +He went away, wondering whether I had insulted him or not, and left me +in the van to repack my trunk as best I could, an operation which, I +understand, it was his duty to perform himself. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + CHICAGO (FIRST VISIT)--THE "NEIGHBORHOOD" OF CHICAGO--THE HISTORY OF + CHICAGO--PUBLIC SERVANTS--A VERY DEAF MAN. + + + _Chicago, February 17._ + +Oh! a lecturing tour in America! + +I am here on my way to St. Paul and Minneapolis. + +Just before leaving New York, I saw in a comic paper that Bismarck must +really now be considered as a great man, because, since his departure +from office, there had been no rumor of his having applied to Major Pond +to get up a lecturing tour for him in the United States. + +It was not news to me that there are plenty of people in America who +laugh at the European author's trick of going to the American platform +as soon as he has made a little name for himself in his own country. The +laugh finds an echo in England, especially from some journalists who +have never been asked to go, and from a few men who, having done one +tour, think it wise not to repeat the experience. For my part, when I +consider that Emerson, Holmes, Mark Twain, have been lecturers, that +Dickens, Thackeray, Matthew Arnold, Sala, Stanley, Archdeacon Farrar, +and many more, all have made their bow to American audiences, I fail to +discover anything very derogatory in the proceeding. + +[Illustration: A PIG SQUEALING.] + +Besides, I feel bound to say that there is nothing in a lecturing tour +in America, even in a highly successful one, that can excite the envy of +the most jealous "failure" in the world. Such work is about the hardest +that a man, used to the comforts of this life, can undertake. Actors, at +all events, stop a week, sometimes a fortnight, in the cities they +visit; but a lecturer is on the road every day, happy when he has not to +start at night. + +No words can picture the monotony of journeys through an immense +continent, the sameness of which strikes you as almost unbearable. +Everything is made on one pattern. All the towns are alike. To be in a +railroad car for ten or twelve hours day after day can hardly be called +luxury, or even comfort. To have one's poor brain matter thus shaken in +the cranium is terrible, especially when the cranium is not quite full. +Constant traveling softens the brain, liquefies it, churns it, +evaporates it, and it runs out of you through all the cracks of your +head. I own that traveling is comfortable in America, even luxurious; +but the best fare becomes monotonous and unpalatable when the dose is +repeated every day. + +To-morrow night I lecture in Minneapolis. The next night I am in +Detroit. Distance about seven hundred miles. + +"Can I manage it?" said I to my impresario, when he showed me my route. + +"Why, certn'ly," he replied; "if you catch a train after your lecture, I +guess you will arrive in time for your lecture in Detroit the next day." + +These remarks, in America, are made without a smile. + +On arriving at Chicago this morning, I found awaiting me at the Grand +Pacific Hotel, a letter from my impresario. Here is the purport of it: + + I know you have with you a trunk and a small portmanteau. I would + advise you to leave your trunk at the Grand Pacific, and to take with + you only the portmanteau, while you are in the neighborhood of + Chicago. You will thus save trouble, expense, etc. + +On looking at my route, I found that the "neighborhood of Chicago" +included St. Paul, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Detroit, Cleveland, +Cincinnati, Indianapolis: something like a little two-thousand-mile tour +"in the neighborhood of Chicago," to be done in about one week. + +When I confided my troubles to my American friends, I got little +sympathy from them. + +"That's quite right," they would say; "we call the neighborhood of a +city any place which, by starting after dinner, you can reach at about +breakfast time the next day. You dine, you go on board the car, you +have a smoke, you go to bed, you sleep, you wake up, you dress--and +there you are. Do you see?" + +After all you may be of this opinion, if you do not reckon sleeping +time. But I do reckon it, when I have to spend the night in a closed +box, six feet long, and three feet wide, and about two feet high, and +especially when the operation has to be repeated three or four times a +week. + + * * * * * + +And the long weary days that are not spent in traveling, how can they be +passed, even tolerably, in an American city, where the lonely lecturer +knows nobody, and where there is absolutely nothing to be seen beyond +the hotels and the dry-goods stores? Worse still: he sometimes has the +good luck to make the acquaintance of some charming people: but he has +hardly had time to fix their features in his memory, when he has to go, +probably never to see them again. + +The lecturer speaks for an hour and a half on the platform every +evening, the rest of his time is exclusively devoted to keeping silence. +Poor fellow! how grateful he is to the hotel clerk who sometimes--alas, +very seldom--will chat with him for a few minutes. As a rule the hotel +clerk is a mute, who assigns a room to you, or hands you the letters +waiting for you in the box corresponding to your number. His mouth is +closed. He may have seen you for half a minute only; he will remember +you. Even in a hotel accommodating over a thousand guests, he will know +you, he will know the number of your room, but he won't speak. He is not +the only American that won't speak. Every man in America who is +attending to some duty of other, has his mouth closed. I have tried the +railroad conductor, and found him mute. I have had a shot at the porter +in the Pullman car, and found him mute. I have endeavored to draw out +the janitors of the halls where I was to speak in the evening, and I +have failed. Even the negroes won't speak. You would imagine that +speaking was prohibited by the statute-book. When my lecture was over, I +returned to the hotel, and like a culprit crept to bed. + +[Illustration: THE SLEEPING CAR.] + +[Illustration: THE JANITOR.] + +How I do love New York! It is not that it possesses a single building +that I really care for; it is because it contains scores and scores of +delightful people, brilliant, affable, hospitable, warm-hearted friends, +who were kind enough to welcome me when I returned from a tour, and in +whose company I could break up the cobwebs that had had time to form in +the corners of my mouth. + + * * * * * + +The history of Chicago can be written in a few lines. So can the history +of the whole of America. + +In about 1830 a man called Benjamin Harris, with his family, moved to +Chicago, or Fort Dearborn, as it was then called. Not more than half a +dozen whites, all of whom were Indian traders, had preceded them. In +1832 they had a child, the first white female born in Chicago--now +married, called Mrs. S. A. Holmes, and the mother of fourteen children. +In 1871 Chicago had over 100,000 inhabitants, and was burned to the +ground. To-day Chicago has over 1,200,000 inhabitants, and in ten years' +time will have two millions. + +The activity in Chicago is perfectly amazing. And I don't mean +commercial activity only. Compare the following statistics: In the great +reading rooms of the British Museum, there was an average of 620 readers +daily during the year 1888. In the reading-room of the Chicago Public +Library, there was an average of 1569 each day in the same year. +Considering that the population of London is nearly five times that of +Chicago, it shows that the reading public is ten times more numerous in +Chicago than in London. + + * * * * * + +It is a never failing source of amusement to watch the ways of public +servants in this country. + +I went to pay a visit to a public museum this afternoon. + +In Europe, the keepers, that is to say, the servants of the public, have +cautions posted in the museums, in which "the public are requested not +to touch." In France, they are "begged," which is perhaps a more +suitable expression, as the museums, after all, belong to the public. + +In America, the notice is "Hands off!" This is short and to the point. +The servants of the public allow you to enter the museums, charge you +twenty-five cents, and warn you to behave well. "Hands off" struck me as +rather off-handed. + +[Illustration: THE "BRUSH-UP."] + +I really admire the independence of all the servants in this country. +You may give them a tip, you will not run the risk of making them +servile or even polite. + +The railway conductor says "ticket!" The word _please_ does not belong +to his vocabulary any more than the words "thank you." He says "ticket" +and frowns. You show it to him. He looks at it suspiciously, and gives +it back to you with a haughty air that seems to say: "I hope you will +behave properly while you are in my car." + +The tip in America is not _de rigueur_ as in Europe. The cabman charges +you so much, and expects nothing more. He would lose his dignity by +accepting a tip (many run the risk). He will often ask you for more than +you owe him; but this is the act of a sharp man of business, not the act +of a servant. In doing so, he does not derogate from his character. + +The negro is the only servant who smiles in America, the only one who is +sometimes polite and attentive, and the only one who speaks English with +a pleasant accent. + +The negro porter in the sleeping cars has seldom failed to thank me for +the twenty-five or fifty cent piece I always give him after he has +brushed--or rather, swept--my clothes with his little broom. + + * * * * * + +A few minutes ago, as I was packing my valise for a journey to St. Paul +and Minneapolis to-night, the porter brought in a card. The name was +unknown to me; but the porter having said that it was the card of a +gentleman who was most anxious to speak to me, I said, "Very well, bring +him here." + +The gentleman entered the room, saluted me, shook hands, and said: + +"I hope I am not intruding." + +"Well," said I, "I must ask you not to detain me long, because I am off +in a few minutes." + +"I understand, sir, that some time ago you were engaged in teaching the +French language in one of the great public schools of England." + +"I was, sir," I replied. + +"Well, I have a son whom I wish to speak French properly, and I have +come to ask for your views on the subject. In other words, will you be +good enough to tell me what are the best methods for teaching this +language? Only excuse me, I am very deaf." + +[Illustration: LEFT.] + +He pulled out of his back pocket two yards of gutta-percha tube, and, +applying one end to his ear and placing the other against my mouth, he +said, "Go ahead." + +"Really?" I shouted through the tube. "Now please shut your eyes; +nothing is better for increasing the power of hearing." + +The man shut his eyes and turned his head sideways, so as to have the +listening ear in front of me. I took my valise and ran to the elevator +as fast as I could. + +That man may still be waiting for aught I know and care. + + * * * * * + +Before leaving the hotel, I made the acquaintance of Mr. George Kennan, +the Russian traveler. His articles on Russia and Siberia, published in +the _Century Magazine_, attracted a great deal of public attention, and +people everywhere throng to hear him relate his terrible experiences on +the platform. He has two hundred lectures to give this season. He struck +me as a most remarkable man--simple, unaffected in his manner, with +unflinching resolution written on his face; a man in earnest, you can +see. I am delighted to find that I shall have the pleasure of meeting +him again in New York in the middle of April. He looks tired. He, too, +is lecturing in the "neighborhood of Chicago," and is off now to the +night train for Cincinnati. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + ST. PAUL AND MINNEAPOLIS, THE SISTER CITIES--RIVALRIES AND JEALOUSIES + BETWEEN LARGE AMERICAN CITIES--MINNEHAHA FALLS--WONDERFUL + INTERVIEWERS--MY HAT GETS INTO TROUBLE AGAIN--ELECTRICITY IN THE + AIR--FOREST ADVERTISEMENTS--RAILWAY SPEED IN AMERICA. + + + _St. Paul, Minn., February 20._ + +Arrived at St. Paul the day before yesterday to pay a professional visit +to the two great sister cities of the north of America. + +Sister cities! Yes, they are near enough to shake hands and kiss each +other, but I am afraid they avail themselves of their proximity to +scratch each other's faces. + +If you open Bouillet's famous Dictionary of History and Geography +(edition 1880), you will find in it neither St. Paul nor Minneapolis. I +was told yesterday that in 1834 there was one white inhabitant in +Minneapolis. To-day the two cities have about 200,000 inhabitants each. +Where is the dictionary of geography that can keep pace with such +wonderful phantasmagoric growth? The two cities are separated by a +distance of about nine miles, but they are every day growing up toward +each other, and to-morrow they will practically have become one. + +Nothing is more amusing than the jealousies which exist between the +different large cities of the United States, and when these rival places +are close to each other, the feeling of jealousy is so intensified as to +become highly entertaining. + +St. Paul charges Minneapolis with copying into the census names from +tombstones, and it is affirmed that young men living in either one of +the cities will marry girls belonging to the other so as to decrease its +population by one. The story goes that once a preacher having announced, +in a Minneapolis church, that he had taken the text of his sermon from +St. Paul, the congregation walked out _en masse_. + +New York despises Philadelphia, and pokes fun at Boston. On the other +hand, Boston hates Chicago, and _vice versa_. St. Louis has only +contempt for Chicago, and both cities laugh heartily at Detroit and +Milwaukee. San Francisco and Denver are left alone in their prosperity. +They are so far away from the east and north of America, that the +feeling they inspire is only one of indifference. + +"Philadelphia is a city of homes, not of lodging-houses," once said a +Philadelphian to a New Yorker; "and it spreads over a far greater area +than New York, with less than half the inhabitants." "Ah," replied the +New Yorker, "that's because it has been so much sat upon." + +"You are a city of commerce," said a Bostonian to a New York wit; +"Boston is a city of culture." "Yes," replied the New Yorker. "You +spell culture with a big C, and God with a small g." + +Of course St. Paul and Minneapolis accuse each other of counting their +respective citizens twice over. All that is diverting in the highest +degree. This feeling does not exist only between the rival cities of the +New World, it exists in the Old. Ask a Glasgow man what he thinks of +Edinburgh, and an Edinburgh man what he thinks of Glasgow! + + * * * * * + +On account of the intense cold (nearly thirty degrees below zero), I +have not been able to see much either of St. Paul or of Minneapolis, and +I am unable to please or vex either of these cities by pointing out +their beauties and defects. Both are large and substantially built, with +large churches, schools, banks, stores, and all the temples that modern +Christians erect to Jehovah and Mammon. I may say that the Ryan Hotel at +St. Paul and the West House at Minneapolis are among the very best +hotels I have come across in America, the latter especially. When I have +added that, the day before yesterday, I had an immense audience in the +People's Church at St. Paul, and that to-night I have had a crowded +house at the Grand Opera House in Minneapolis, it is hardly necessary +for me to say that I shall have enjoyed myself in the two great towns, +and that I shall carry away with me a delightful recollection of them. + + * * * * * + +Soon after arriving in Minneapolis yesterday, I went to see the +Minnehaha Falls, immortalized by Longfellow. The motor line gave me an +idea of rapid transit. I returned to the West House for lunch and spent +the afternoon writing. Many interviewers called. + +[Illustration: "WHAT YEARLY INCOME DOES YOUR BOOKS AND LECTURES BRING +IN?"] + +The first who came sat down in my room and point-blank asked me my views +on contagious diseases. Seeing that I was not disposed to talk on the +subject, he asked me to discourse on republics and the prospects of +General Boulanger. In fact, anything for copy. + +The second one, after asking me where I came from and where I was going, +inquired whether I had exhausted the Anglo-Saxons and whether I should +write on other nations. After I had satisfied him, he asked me what +yearly income my books and lectures brought in. + +Another wanted to know why I had not brought my wife with me, how many +children I had, how old they were, and other details as wonderfully +interesting to the public. By and by I saw he was jotting down a +description of my appearance, and the different clothes I had on! "I +will unpack this trunk," I said, "and spread all its contents on the +floor. Perhaps you would be glad to have a look at my things." He +smiled: "Don't trouble any more," he said; "I am very much obliged to +you for your courtesy." + +This morning, on opening the papers, I see that my hat is getting into +trouble again. I thought that, after getting rid of my brown hat and +sending it to the editor in the town where it had created such a +sensation, peace was secured. Not a bit. In the Minneapolis _Journal_ I +read the following: + + The attractive personality of the man [allow me to record this for the + sake of what follows], heightened by his neglige sack coat and vest, + with a background of yellowish plaid trowsers, occasional glimpses of + which were revealed from beneath the folds of a heavy ulster, which + swept the floor [I was sitting of course] and was trimmed with fur + collar and cuffs. And then that hat! On the table, carelessly thrown + amid a pile of correspondence, was his nondescript headgear. One of + those half-sombreros affected by the wild Western cowboy when on dress + parade, an impossible combination of dark-blue and bottle-green. + +Fancy treating in this off-handed way a $7.50 soft black felt hat bought +of the best hatter in New York! No, nothing is sacred for those +interviewers. Dark-blue and bottle-green! Why, did that man imagine that +I wore my hat inside out so as to show the silk lining? + + * * * * * + +The air here is perfectly wonderful, dry and full of electricity. If +your fingers come into contact with anything metallic, like the +hot-water pipes, the chandeliers, the stopper of your washing basin, +they draw a spark, sharp and vivid. One of the reporters who called +here, and to whom I mentioned the fact, was able to light my gas with +his finger, by merely obtaining an electric spark on the top of the +burner. When he said he could thus light the gas, I thought he was +joking. + +I had observed this phenomenon before. In Ottawa, for instance. + +Whether this air makes you live too quickly, I do not know; but it is +most bracing and healthy. I have never felt so well and hearty in my +life as in these cold, dry climates. + + * * * * * + +I was all the more flattered to have such a large and fashionable +audience at the Grand Opera House to-night, that my _causerie_ was not +given under the auspices of any society, or as one of any course of +lectures. + +I lecture in Detroit the day after to-morrow. I shall have to leave +Minneapolis to-morrow morning at six o'clock for Chicago, which I shall +reach at ten in the evening. Then I shall have to run to the Michigan +Central Station to catch the night train to Detroit at eleven. +Altogether, twenty-three hours of railway traveling--745 miles. + +And still in "the neighborhood of Chicago!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ADVERTISEMENT.] + + _In the train to Chicago, February 21._ + +Have just passed a wonderful advertisement. Here, in the midst of a +forest, I have seen a huge wide board nailed on two trees, parallel to +the railway line. On it was written, round a daub supposed to represent +one of the loveliest English ladies: "If you would be as lovely as the +beautiful Lady de Gray, use Gray perfumes." + +_Soyez donc belle_, to be used as an advertisement in the forests of +Minnesota! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I RETURNED THANKS."] + +My lectures have never been criticised in more kind, flattering, and +eulogistic terms than in the St. Paul and the Minneapolis papers, which +I am reading on my way to Chicago. I find newspaper reading a great +source of amusement in the trains. First of all because these papers +always are light reading, and also because reading is a possibility in a +well lighted carriage going only at a moderate speed. Eating is +comfortable, and even writing is possible _en route_. With the exception +of a few trains, such as are run from New York to Boston, Chicago, and +half a dozen other important cities, railway traveling is slower in +America than in England and France; but I have never found fault with +the speed of an American train. On the contrary, I have always felt +grateful to the driver for running slowly. And every time that the car +reached the other side of some of the many rotten wooden bridges on +which the train had to pass, I returned thanks. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + DETROIT--THE TOWN--THE DETROIT "FREE PRESS"--A LADY INTERVIEWER--THE + "UNCO GUID" IN DETROIT--REFLECTIONS ON THE ANGLO-SAXON "UNCO GUID." + + + _Detroit, February 22._ + +Am delighted with Detroit. It possesses beautiful streets, avenues, and +walks, and a fine square in the middle of which stands a remarkably fine +monument. I am also grateful to this city for breaking the monotony of +the eternal parallelograms with which the whole of the United States are +built. My national vanity almost suggests to me that this town owes its +gracefulness to its French origin. There are still, I am told, about +25,000 French people settled in Detroit. + +I have had to-night, in the Church of Our Father, a crowded and most +brilliant audience, whose keenness, intelligence, and kindness were very +flattering. + +I was interviewed, both by a lady and a gentleman, for the Detroit _Free +Press_, that most witty of American newspapers. The charming young lady +interviewer came to talk on social topics, I remarked that she was armed +with a copy of "Jonathan and his Continent," and I came to the +conclusion that she would probably ask for a few explanations about that +book. I was not mistaken. She took exception, she informed me, to many +statements concerning the American girl in the book. I made a point to +prove to her that all was right, and all was truth, and I think I +persuaded her to abandon the prosecution. + +[Illustration: THE LADY INTERVIEWER.] + +To tell the truth, now the real truth, mind you, I am rather tired of +hearing about the American girl. The more I see of her the more I am +getting convinced that she is--like the other girls in the world. + + * * * * * + +A friend, who came to have a chat with me after this lecture, has told +me that the influential people of the city are signing a petition to the +custodians of the museum calling upon them to drape all the nude +statues, and intimating their intention of boycotting the institution, +if the Venuses and Apollos are not forthwith provided with tuckers and +togas. + +It is a well-known fact in the history of the world, that young +communities have no taste for fine art--they have no time to cultivate +it. If I had gone to Oklahoma, I should not have expected to find any +art feeling at all; but that in a city like Detroit, where there is such +evidence of intellectual life and high culture among the inhabitants, a +party should be found numerous and strong enough to issue such a heathen +dictate as this seems scarcely credible. I am inclined to think it must +be a joke. That the "unco guid" should flourish under the gloomy sky of +Great Britain I understand, but under the bright blue sky of America, in +that bracing atmosphere, I cannot. + +It is most curious that there should be people who, when confronted +with some glorious masterpiece of sculpture, should not see the poetry, +the beauty of the human form divine. This is beyond me, and beyond any +educated Frenchman. + +[Illustration: THE DRAPED STATUES.] + +Does the "unco guid" exist in America, then? I should have thought that +these people, of the earth earthy, were not found out of England and +Scotland. + +When I was in America two years ago, I heard that an English author of +some repute, talking one day with Mr. Richard Watson Gilder about the +Venus of Milo, had remarked that, as he looked at her beautiful form, he +longed to put his arms around her and kiss her. Mr. Gilder, who, as a +poet, as an artist, has felt only respect mingled with his admiration of +the matchless divinity, replied: "I hope she would have grown a pair of +arms for the occasion, so as to have slapped your face." + +It is not so much the thing that offends the "unco guid"; it is the +name, the reflection, the idea. Unhealthy-minded himself, he dreads a +taint where there is none, and imagines in others a corruption which +exists only in himself. + +Yet the One, whom he would fain call Master, but whose teachings he is +slow in following, said: "Woe be to them by whom offense cometh." But +the "unco guid" is a Christian failure, a _parvenu_. + + * * * * * + +The _parvenu_ is a person who makes strenuous efforts to persuade other +people that he is entitled to the position he occupies. + +There are _parvenus_ in religion, as there are _parvenus_ in the +aristocracy, in society, in literature, in the fine arts, etc. + +The worst type of the French _parvenu_ is the one whose father was a +worthy, hard-working man called _Dubois_ or _Dumont_, and who, at his +father's death, dubs himself _du Bois_ or _du Mont_, becomes a +clericalist and the stanchest monarchist, and runs down the great +Revolution which made one of his grand-parents a man. M. _du Bois_ or +_du Mont_ outdoes the genuine nobleman, who needs make no noise to +attract attention to a name which everybody knows, and which, in spite +of what may be said on the subject, often recalls the memory of some +glorious event in the past. + +[Illustration: THE PARVENU.] + +The worst type of Anglo-Saxon _parvenu_ is probably the "unco guid," or +religious _parvenu_. + +The Anglo-Saxon "unco guid" is seldom to be found among Roman Catholics; +that is, among the followers of the most ancient Christian religion. He +is to be found among the followers of the newest forms of +"Christianity." This is quite natural. He has to try to eclipse his +fellow-Christians by his piety, in order to show that the new religion +to which he belongs was a necessary invention. + +The Anglo-Saxon "unco guid" is easily recognized. He is dark (all bigots +and fanatics are). He is dressed in black, shiny broadcloth raiment. A +wide-brimmed felt hat covers his head. He walks with light, short, +jaunty steps, his head a little inclined on one side. He never carries a +stick, which might give a rather fast appearance to his turn-out. He +invariably carries an umbrella, even in the brightest weather, as being +more respectable--and this umbrella he never rolls, for he would avoid +looking in the distance as if he had a stick. He casts right and left +little grimaces that are so many forced smiles of self-satisfaction. +"Try to be as good as I am," he seems to say to all who happen to look +at him, "and you will be as happy." And he "smiles, and smiles, and +smiles." + +He has a small soul, a small heart, and a small brain. + +As a rule, he is a well-to-do person. It pays better to have a narrow +mind than to have broad sympathies. + +He drinks tea, but prefers cocoa, as being a more virtuous beverage. + +He is perfectly destitute of humor, and is the most inartistic creature +in the world. Everything suggests to him either profanity or indecency. +The "Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character," by Dean Ramsay, +would strike him as profane, and if placed in the Musee du Louvre, +before the Venus of Milo, he would see nothing but a woman who has next +to no clothes on. + +His distorted mind makes him take everything in ill part. His hands get +pricked on every thorn that he comes across on the road, and he misses +all the roses. + +If I were not a Christian, the following story, which is not as often +told as it should be, would have converted me long ago: + + Jesus arrived one evening at the gates of a certain city, and he sent + his disciples forward to prepare supper, while he himself, intent on + doing good, walked through the streets into the marketplace. And he + saw at the corner of the market some people gathered together, looking + at an object on the ground; and he drew near to see what it might be. + It was a dead dog, with a halter round his neck, by which he appeared + to have been dragged through the dirt; and a viler, a more abject, a + more unclean thing, never met the eyes of man. And those who stood by + looked on with abhorrence. "Faugh!" said one, stopping his nose, "it + pollutes the air." "How long," said another, "shall this foul beast + offend our sight?" "Look at his torn hide," said a third; "one could + not even cut a shoe out of it!" "And his ears," said a fourth, "all + draggled and bleeding!" "No doubt," said a fifth, "he has been hanged + for thieving!" And Jesus heard them, and looking down compassionately + on the dead creature, he said: "Pearls are not equal to the whiteness + of his teeth!" + +If I understand the Gospel, the gist of its teachings is contained in +the foregoing little story. Love and forgiveness: finding something to +pity and admire even in a dead dog. Such is the religion of Christ. + +The "Christianity" of the "unco guid" is as like this religion as are +the teachings of the Old Testament. + +Something to condemn, the discovery of wickedness in the most innocent, +and often elevating, recreations, such is the favorite occupation of the +Anglo-Saxon "unco guid." Music is licentious, laughter wicked, dancing +immoral, statuary almost criminal, and, by and by, the "Society for the +Suggestion of Indecency," which is placed under his immediate patronage +and supervision, will find fault with our going out in the streets, on +the plea that under our garments we carry our nudity. + +The Anglo-Saxon "unco guid" is the successor of the Pharisee. In reading +Christ's description of the latter, you are immediately struck with the +likeness. The modern "unco guid" "loves to pray standing in the churches +and chapels and in the corners of the streets, that he may be seen of +men." "He uses vain repetitions, for he thinks that he shall be heard +for his much speaking." "When he fasts, he is of sad countenance; for he +disfigures his face, that he may appear unto men to fast." There is not +one feature of the portrait that does not fit in exactly. + +The Jewish "unco guid" crucified Christ. The Anglo-Saxon one would +crucify Him again if He should return to earth and interfere with the +prosperous business firms that make use of His name. + +The "unco guid's" Christianity consists in extolling his virtues and +ignoring other people's. He spends his time in "pulling motes out of +people's eyes," but cannot see clearly to do it, "owing to the beams +that are in his own." He overwhelms you, he crushes you, with his +virtue, and one of the greatest treats is to catch him tripping, a +chance which you may occasionally have, especially when you meet him on +the Continent of Europe. + +The Anglo-Saxon "unco guid" calls himself a Christian, but the precepts +of the Gospel are the very opposite of those he practices. The gentle, +merciful, forgiving, Man-God of the Gospel has not for him the charms +and attractions of the Jehovah who commanded the cowardly, ungrateful, +and bloodthirsty people of his choice to treat their women as slaves, +and to exterminate their enemies, sparing neither old men, women, nor +children. This cruel, revengeful, implacable deity is far more to the +Anglo-Saxon "unco guid's" liking than the Saviour who bade His disciples +love their enemies and put up their swords in the presence of his +persecutors. The "unco guid" is not a Christian, he is a Jew in all but +name. And I will say this much for him, that the Commandments given on +Mount Sinai are much easier to follow than the Sermon on the Mount. It +is easier not to commit murder than to hold out your right cheek after +your left one has been slapped. It is easier not to steal than to run +after the man who has robbed us, in order to offer him what he has not +taken. It is easier to honor our parents than to love our enemies. + +The teachings of the Gospel are trying to human nature. There is no +religion more difficult to follow; and this is why, in spite of its +beautiful, but too lofty, precepts, there is no religion in the world +that can boast so many hypocrites--so many followers who pretend that +they follow their religion, but who do not, and very probably cannot. + +Being unable to love man, as he is bidden in the Gospel, the "unco guid" +loves God, as he is bidden in the Old Testament. He loves God in the +abstract. He tells Him so in endless prayers and litanies. + +For him Christianity consists in discussing theological questions, +whether a minister shall preach with or without a white surplice on, and +in singing hymns more or less out of tune. + +As if God could be loved to the exclusion of man! You love God, after +all, as you love anybody else, not by professions of love, but by deeds. + +When he prays, the "unco guid" buries his face in his hands or in his +hat. He screws up his face, and the more fervent the prayer is (or the +more people are looking at him), the more grimaces he makes. Heinrich +Heine, on coming out of an English church, said that "a blaspheming +Frenchman must be a more pleasing object in the sight of God than many a +praying Englishman." He had, no doubt, been looking at the "unco guid." + +If you do not hold the same religious views as he does, you are a wicked +man, an atheist. He alone has the truth. Being engaged in a discussion +with an "unco guid" one day, I told him that if God had given me hands +to handle, surely He had given me a little brain to think. "You are +right," he quickly interrupted; "but, with the hands that God gave you +you can commit a good action, and you can also commit murder." +Therefore, because I did not think as he did, I was the criminal, for, +of course, he was the righteous man. For all those who, like myself, +believe in a future life, there is, I believe, a great treat in store: +the sight of the face he will make, when his place is assigned to him in +the next world. _Qui mourra, verra._ + +Anglo-Saxon land is governed by the "unco guid." Good society cordially +despises him; the aristocracy of Anglo-Saxon intelligence--philosophers, +scientists, men of letters, artists--simply loathe him; but all have to +bow to his rule, and submit their works to his most incompetent +criticism, and all are afraid of him. + +[Illustration: THE POOR MAN'S SABBATH.] + +In a moment of wounded national pride, Sydney Smith once exclaimed: +"What a pity it is we have no amusements in England except vice and +religion!" The same exclamation might be uttered to-day, and the cause +laid at the Anglo-Saxon "unco guid's" door. It is he who is responsible +for the degradation of the British lower classes, by refusing to enable +them to elevate their minds on Sundays at the sight of the masterpieces +of art which are contained in the museums, or at the sound of the +symphonies of Beethoven and Mozart, which might be given to the people +at reduced prices on that day. The poor people must choose between vice +and religion, and as the wretches know they are not wanted in the +churches, they go to the taverns. + +It is this same "unco guid" who is responsible for the state of the +streets in the large cities of Great Britain by refusing to allow vice +to be regulated. If you were to add the amount of immorality to be found +in the streets of Paris, Berlin, Vienna, and the other capitals of +Europe, no fair-minded Englishman "who knows" would contradict me, if I +said that the total thus obtained would be much below the amount +supplied by London alone; but the "unco guid" stays at home of an +evening, advises you to do the same, and ignoring, or pretending to +ignore, what is going on round his own house, he prays for the +conversion--of the French. + +The "unco guid" thinks that his own future safety is assured, so he +prays for his neighbors'. He reminds one of certain Scots, who inhabit +two small islands on the west coast of Scotland. Their piety is really +most touching. Every Sunday in their churches, they commend to God's +care "the puir inhabitants of the two adjacent islands of Britain and +Ireland." + +A few weeks ago, there appeared in a Liverpool paper a letter, signed "A +Lover of Reverence," in which this anonymous person complained of a +certain lecturer, who had indulged in profane remarks. "I was not +present myself," he or she said, "but have heard of what took place," +etc. You see, this person was not present, but as a good "Christian," he +hastened to judge. However, this is nothing. In the letter, I read: +"Fortunately, there are in Liverpool, a few Christians, like myself, +always on the watch, and ever looking after our Maker's honor." + +Fortunate Liverpool! What a proud position for the Almighty, to be +placed in Liverpool under the protection of the "Lover of Reverence!" + +Probably this "unco guid" and myself would not agree on the definition +of the word _profanity_, for, if I had written and published such a +letter, I would consider myself guilty, not only of profanity, but of +blasphemy. + +If the "unco guid" is the best product of Christianity, Christianity +must be pronounced a ghastly failure, and I should feel inclined to +exclaim, with the late Dean Milman, "If all this is Christianity, it is +high time we should try something else--say the religion of Christ, for +instance." + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + MILWAUKEE--A WELL-FILLED DAY--REFLECTIONS ON THE SCOTCH IN + AMERICA--CHICAGO CRITICISMS. + + + _Milwaukee, February 25._ + +Arrived here from Detroit yesterday. Milwaukee is a city of over two +hundred thousand inhabitants, a very large proportion of whom are +Germans, who have come here to settle down, and wish good luck to the +_Vaterland_, at the respectful distance of five thousand miles. + +At the station I was met by Mr. John L. Mitchell, the railway king, and +by a compatriot of mine, M. A. de Guerville, a young enthusiast who has +made up his mind to check the German invasion of Milwaukee, and has +succeeded in starting a French society, composed of the leading +inhabitants of the city. On arriving, I found a heavy but delightful +programme to go through during the day: a lunch to be given me by the +ladies at Milwaukee College at one o'clock; a reception by the French +Club at Mrs. John L. Mitchell's house at four; a dinner at six; my +lecture at eight, and a reception and a supper by the Press Club at +half-past ten; the rest of the evening to be spent as circumstances +would allow or suggest. I was to be the guest of Mr. Mitchell at his +magnificent house in town. + +[Illustration: A CITIZEN OF MILWAUKEE.] + +"Good," I said, "let us begin." + + * * * * * + +Went through the whole programme. The reception by the French Club, in +the beautiful Moorish-looking rooms of Mrs. John L. Mitchell's superb +mansion, was a great success. I was amazed to meet so many +French-speaking people, and much amused to see my young compatriot go +from one group to another, to satisfy himself that all the members of +the club were speaking French; for I must tell you that, among the +statutes of the club, there is one that imposes a fine of ten cents on +any member caught in the act of speaking English at the gatherings of +the association. + +The lecture was a great success. The New Plymouth Church[3] was packed, +and the audience extremely warm and appreciative. The supper offered to +me by the Press Club proved most enjoyable. And yet, that was not all. +At one o'clock the Press Club repaired to a perfect German _Brauerei_, +where we spent an hour in Bavaria, drinking excellent Bavarian beer +while chatting, telling stories, etc. + +I will omit to mention at what time we returned home, so as not to tell +tales about my kind host. + +In spite of the late hours we kept last night, breakfast was punctually +served at eight this morning. First course, porridge. Thanks to the +kind, thoroughly Scotch hospitality of Mr. John L. Mitchell and his +charming family, thanks to the many friends and sympathizers I met +here, I shall carry away a most pleasant recollection of this large and +beautiful city. I shall leave Milwaukee with much regret. Indeed, the +worst feature of a thick lecturing tour is to feel, almost every day, +that you leave behind friends whom you may never see again. + +I lecture at the Central Music Hall, Chicago, this evening; but Chicago +is reached from here in two hours and a half, and I will go as late in +the day as I can. + +No more beds for me now, until I reach Albany, in three days. + + * * * * * + +The railway king in Wisconsin is a Scotchman. I was not surprised to +hear it. The iron king in Pennsylvania is a Scotchman, Mr. Andrew +Carnegie. The oil king of Ohio is a Scotchman, Mr. Alexander Macdonald. +The silver king of California is a Scotchman, Mr. Mackay. The +dry-goods-store king of New York--he is dead now--was a Scotchman, Mr. +Stewart. It is just the same in Canada, just the same in Australia, and +all over the English-speaking world. The Scotch are successful +everywhere, and the new countries offer them fields for their industry, +their perseverance, and their shrewdness. There you see them landowners, +directors of companies, at the head of all the great enterprises. In the +lower stations of life, thanks to their frugality and saving habits, you +find them thriving everywhere. You go to the manufactory, you are told +that the foremen are Scotch. + +I have, perhaps, a better illustration still. + +[Illustration: TALES OF OLD SCOTLAND.] + +If you travel in Canada, either by the Grand Trunk or the Canadian +Pacific, you will meet in the last parlor car, near the stove, a man +whose duty consists in seeing that, all along the line, the workmen are +at their posts, digging, repairing, etc. These workmen are all day +exposed to the Canadian temperature, and often have to work knee-deep in +the snow. Well, you will find that the man with small, keen eyes, who +is able to do his work in the railroad car, warming himself comfortably +by the stove, is invariably a Scotchman. There is only one berth with a +stove in the whole business; it is he who has got it. Many times I have +had a chat with that Scotchman on the subject of old Scotland. Many +times I have sat with him in the little smoking-room of the parlor car, +listening to the history of his life, or, maybe, a few good Scotch +anecdotes. + + * * * * * + + _In the train from Chicago to Cleveland_, _February 26_. + +I arrived in Chicago at five o'clock in the afternoon yesterday, dined, +dressed, and lectured at the Music Hall under the auspices of the Drexel +free Kindergarten. There was a large audience, and all passed off very +well. After the lecture, I went to the Grand Pacific Hotel, changed +clothes, and went on board the sleeping car bound for Cleveland, O. + + * * * * * + +The criticisms of my lecture in this morning's Chicago papers are +lively. + +The _Herald_ calls me: + + A dapper little Frenchman. Five feet eleven in height, and two hundred + pounds in weight! + +The _Times_ says: + + That splendid trinity of the American peerage, the colonel, the judge, + and the professor, turned out in full force at Central Music Hall last + night. The lecturer is a magician who serves up your many little + defects, peculiar to the auditors' own country, on a silver salver, so + artistically garnished that one forgets the sarcasm in admiration of + the sauce. + +[Illustration: A CELEBRATED EXECUTIONER.] + +The _Tribune_ is quite as complimentary and quite as lively: + + His satire is as keen as the blade of the celebrated executioner who + could cut a man's head off, and the unlucky person not know it until a + pinch of snuff would cause a sneeze, and the decapitated head would, + much to its surprise, find itself rolling over in the dust. + +And after a good breakfast at Toledo station, I enjoyed an hour poring +over the Chicago papers. + +I lecture in Cleveland to-night, and am still in "the neighborhood of +Chicago." + +[Illustration] + + +FOOTNOTE: + + [3] Very strange, that church with its stalls, galleries, and + boxes--a perfect theater. From the platform it was interesting to + watch the immense throng, packing the place from floor to ceiling, in + front, on the sides, behind, everywhere. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +THE MONOTONY OF TRAVELING IN THE STATES--"MANON LESCAUT" IN AMERICA. + + + _In the train from Cleveland to Albany, February 27._ + +Am getting tired and ill. I am not bed-ridden, but am fairly well rid of +a bed. I have lately spent as many nights in railway cars as in hotel +beds. + +Am on my way to Albany, just outside "the neighborhood of Chicago." I +lecture in that place to-night, and shall get to New York to-morrow. + +I am suffering from the monotony of life. My greatest objection to +America (indeed I do not believe I have any other) is the sameness of +everything. I understand the Americans who run away to Europe every year +to see an old church, a wall covered with moss and ivy, some good +old-fashioned peasantry not dressed like the rest of the world. + +What strikes a European most, in his rambles through America, is the +absence of the picturesque. The country is monotonous, and eternally the +same. Burned-up fields, stumps of trees, forests, wooden houses all +built on the same pattern. All the stations you pass are alike. All the +towns are alike. To say that an American town is ten times larger than +another simply means that it has ten times more blocks of houses. All +the streets are alike, with the same telegraph poles, the same "Indian" +as a sign for tobacconists, the same red, white, and blue pole as a sign +for barbers. All the hotels are the same, all the _menus_ are the same, +all the plates and dishes the same--why, all the ink-stands are the +same. All the people are dressed in the same way. When you meet an +American with all his beard, you want to shake his hands and thank him +for not shaving it, as ninety-nine out of every hundred Americans do. Of +course I have not seen California, the Rocky Mountains, and many other +parts of America where the scenery is very beautiful; but I think my +remarks can apply to those States most likely to be visited by a +lecturer, that is, Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, +Minnesota, and others, during the winter months, after the Indian +summer, and before the renewal of verdure in May. + +[Illustration: "THE SAME 'INDIAN.'"] + + * * * * * + +After breakfast, that indefatigable man of business, that intolerable +bore, who incessantly bangs the doors and brings his stock-in-trade to +the cars, came and whispered in my ears: + +"New book--just out--a forbidden book!" + +"A forbidden book! What is that?" I inquired. + +He showed it to me. It was "Manon Lescaut." + +[Illustration: "NEW BOOK JUST OUT--A FORBIDDEN BOOK!"] + +Is it possible? That literary and artistic _chef-d'oeuvre_, which has +been the original type of "Paul et Virginie" and "Atala"; that touching +drama, which the prince of critics, Jules Janin, declared would be +sufficient to save contemporary literature from complete oblivion, +dragged in the mire, clothed in a dirty coarse English garb! and +advertised as a forbidden book! Three generations of French people have +wept over the pathetic story. Here it is now, stripped of its unique +style and literary beauty, sold to the American public as an improper +book--a libel by translation on a genius. British authors have +complained for years that their books were stolen in America. They have +suffered in pockets, it is true, but their reputation has spread through +an immense continent. What is their complaint compared to that of the +French authors who have the misfortune to see their works translated +into American? It is not only their pockets that suffer, but their +reputation. The poor French author is at the mercy of incapable and +malicious translators hired at starvation wages by the American pirate +publisher. He is liable to a species of defamation ten times worse than +robbery. + +And as I looked at that copy of "Manon Lescaut," I almost felt grateful +that Prevost was dead. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + FOR THE FIRST TIME I SEE AN AMERICAN PAPER ABUSE ME--ALBANY TO NEW + YORK--A LECTURE AT DALY'S THEATER--AFTERNOON AUDIENCES. + + + _New York, February 23._ + +The American press has always been very good to me. Fairness one has a +right to expect, but kindness is an extra that is not always thrown in, +and therefore the uniform amiability of the American press toward me +could not fail to strike me most agreeably. + +Up to yesterday I had not seen a single unkind notice or article, but in +the Albany _Express_ of yesterday morning I read: + + This evening the people of Albany are asked to listen to a lecture by + Max O'Rell, who was in this country two years ago, and was treated + with distinguished courtesy. When he went home he published a book + filled with deliberate misstatements and willful exaggerations of the + traits of the American people. + +This paper "has reason," as the French say. My book contained one +misstatement, at all events, and that was that "all Americans have a +great sense of humor." You may say that the French are a witty people, +but that does not mean that France contains no fools. It is rather +painful to have to explain such things, but I do so for the benefit of +that editor and with apologies to the general reader. + +In spite of this diverting little "par," I had an immense audience last +night in Harmanus Bleecker Hall, a new and magnificent construction in +Albany, excellent, no doubt, for music, but hardly adapted for lecturing +in, on account of its long and narrow shape. + +[Illustration: RIP VAN WINKLE.] + +I should have liked to stay longer in Albany, which struck me as being a +remarkably beautiful place, but having to lecture in New York this +afternoon, I took the vestibule train early this morning for New York. +This journey is exceedingly picturesque along the Hudson River, +traveling as you do between two ranges of wooded hills, dotted over with +beautiful habitations, and now and then passing a little town bathing +its feet in the water. In the distance one gets good views of the +Catskill Mountains, immortalized by Washington Irving in "Rip Van +Winkle." + +On boarding the train, the first thing I did was to read the news of +yesterday. Imagine my amusement, on opening the Albany _Express_ to read +the following extract from the report of my lecture: + + He has an agreeable but not a strong voice. This was the only point + that could be criticised in his lecture, which consisted of many + clever sketches of the humorous side of the character of different + Anglo-Saxon nations. His humor is keen. He evidently is a great + admirer of America and Americans, only bringing into ridicule some of + their most conspicuously objectionable traits.... His lecture was + entertaining, clever, witty and thoroughly enjoyable. + +The most amusing part of all this is that the American sketches which I +introduced into my lecture last night, and which seemed to have struck +the Albany _Express_ so agreeably, were all extracts from the book +"filled with deliberate misstatements and willful exaggerations of the +traits of the American people." Well, after all, there is humor, +unconscious humor, in the Albany _Express_. + + * * * * * + +Arrived at the Grand Central Station in New York at noon, I gave up my +check to a transfer man, but learned to my chagrin that the vestibule +train from Albany had carried no baggage, and that my things would only +arrive by the next train at about three o'clock. Pleasant news for a +man who was due to address an audience at three! + +[Illustration: "A LITTLE BIT STIFF."] + +There was only one way out of the difficulty. Off I went post-haste to a +ready-made tailor's, who sold me a complete fit-out from head to foot. I +did not examine the cut and fit of each garment very minutely, but went +off satisfied that I was presenting a neat and respectable appearance. +Before going on the stage, however, I discovered that the sleeves of the +new coat, though perfectly smooth and well-behaved so long as the arms +inside them were bent at the elbow, developed a remarkable cross-twist +as soon as I let my arms hang straight down. + +By means of holding it firm with the middle finger, I managed to keep +the recalcitrant sleeve in position, and the affair passed off very +well. Only my friends remarked, after the lecture, that they thought I +looked a little bit stiff, especially when making my bow to the +audience. + + * * * * * + +My lecture at Daly's Theater this afternoon was given under the auspices +of the Bethlehem Day Nursery, and I am thankful to think that this most +interesting association is a little richer to-day than it was yesterday. +For an afternoon audience it was remarkably warm and responsive. + +I have many times lectured to afternoon audiences, but have not, as a +rule, enjoyed it. Afternoon "shows" are a mistake. Do not ask me why; +but think of those you have ever been to, and see if you have a lively +recollection of them. There is a time for everything. Fancy playing the +guitar under your lady love's window by daylight, for instance! + +Afternoon audiences are kid-gloved ones. There is but a sprinkling of +men, and so the applause, when it comes, is a feeble affair, more +chilling almost than silence. In some fashionable towns it is bad form +to applaud at all in the afternoon. I have a vivid recollection of the +effect produced one afternoon in Cheltenham by the vigorous applause of +a sympathizing friend of mine, sitting in the reserved seats. How all +the other reserved seats craned their necks in credulous astonishment to +get a view of this innovator, this outer barbarian! He was new to the +wondrous ways of the _Chillitonians_. In the same audience was a lady, +Irish and very charming, as I found out on later acquaintance, who +showed her appreciation from time to time by clapping the tips of her +fingers together noiselessly, while her glance said: "I should very much +like to applaud, but you know I can't do it; we are in Cheltenham, and +such a thing is bad form, especially in the afternoon." + +[Illustration: THE GOUTY MAN.] + +Afternoon audiences in the southern health resorts of England are +probably the least inspiriting and inspiring of all. There are the sick, +the lame, the halt. Some of them are very interesting people, but a +large proportion appear to be suffering more from the boredom of life +than any other complaint, and look as if it would do them good to +follow out the well-known advice, "Live on sixpence a day, and earn it." +It is hard work entertaining people who have done everything, seen +everything, tasted everything, been everywhere--people whose sole aim is +to kill time. A fair sprinkling are gouty. They spend most of their +waking hours in a bath-chair. As a listener, the gouty man is sometimes +decidedly funny. He gives signs of life from time to time by a vigorous +slap on his thigh and a vicious looking kick. Before I began to know +him, I used to wonder whether it was my discourse producing some effect +upon him. + +I am not afraid of meeting these people in America. Few people are bored +here, all are happy to live, and all work and are busy. American men die +of brain fever, but seldom of the gout. If an American saw that he must +spend his life wheeled in a bath-chair, he would reflect that rivers are +numerous in America, and he would go and take a plunge into one of them. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + + WANDERINGS THROUGH NEW YORK--LECTURE AT THE HARMONIE CLUB--VISIT TO + THE CENTURY CLUB. + + + _New York, March 1._ + +The more I see New York, the more I like it. + +After lunch I had a drive through Central Park and Riverside Park, along +the Hudson, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I returned to the Everett House +through Fifth Avenue. I have never seen Central Park in summer, but I +can realize how beautiful it must be when the trees are clothed. To have +such a park in the heart of the city is perfectly marvelous. It is true +that, with the exception of the superb Catholic Cathedral, Fifth Avenue +has no monument worth mentioning, but the succession of stately mansions +is a pleasant picture to the eye. What a pity this cathedral cannot +stand in a square in front of some long thoroughfare, it would have a +splendid effect. I know this was out of the question. Built as New York +is, the cathedral could only take the place of a block. It simply +represents so many numbers between Fiftieth and Fifty-first streets on +Fifth Avenue. + +In the Park I saw statues of Shakespeare, Walter Scott, and Robert +Burns. I should have liked to see those of Longfellow, Nathaniel +Hawthorne, and many other celebrities of the land. Washington, Franklin, +and Lincoln are practically the only Americans whose statues you see all +over the country. They play here the part that Wellington and Nelson +play in England. After all, the "bosses" and the local politicians who +run the towns probably never heard of Longfellow, Bryant, Poe, etc. + + * * * * * + +At four o'clock, Mr. Thomas Nast, the celebrated caricaturist, called. I +was delighted to make his acquaintance, and found him a most charming +man. + +I dined with General Horace Porter and a few other friends at the Union +League Club. The witty general was in his best vein. + +At eight o'clock I lectured at the Harmonie Club, and had a large and +most appreciative audience, composed of the pick of the Israelite +community in New York. + +After the lecture I attended one of the "Saturdays" at the Century Club, +and met Mr. Kendal, who, with his talented wife, is having a triumphant +progress through the United States. + +There is no gathering in the world where you can see so many beautiful, +intelligent faces as at the Century Club. There you see gathered +together the cleverest men of a nation whose chief characteristic is +cleverness. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + +VISIT TO THE BROOKLYN ACADEMY OF MUSIC--REV. DR. TALMAGE. + + + _New York, March 2._ + +Went to hear Dr. T. de Witt Talmage this morning at the Academy of +Music, Brooklyn. + +What an actor America has lost by Dr. Talmage choosing the pulpit in +preference to the stage! + +The Academy of Music was crowded. Standing-room only. For an +old-fashioned European, to see a theater, with its boxes, stalls, +galleries, open for divine service was a strange sight; but we had not +gone very far into the service before it became plain to me that there +was nothing divine about it. The crowd had come there, not to worship +God, but to hear Mr. Talmage. + +At the door the programme was distributed. It consisted of six hymns to +be interluded with prayers by the doctor. Between the fifth and sixth, +he delivered the lecture, or the sermon, if you insist on the name, and +during the sixth there was the collection, that hinge on which the whole +service turns in Protestant places of worship. + +I took a seat and awaited with the rest the entrance of Dr. Talmage. +There was subdued conversation going on all around, just as there would +be at a theater or concert: in fact, throughout the whole of the +proceedings, there was no sign of a silent lifting up of the spirit in +worship. Not a person in that strange congregation, went on his or her +knees to pray. Most of them put one hand in front of the face, and this +was as near as they got that morning to an attitude of devotion. Except +for this, and the fact that they did not applaud, there was absolutely +no difference between them and any other theater audience I ever saw. + +[Illustration: THE LEADER OF THE CHOIR.] + +The monotonous hymns were accompanied by a _cornet-a-piston_, which lent +a certain amount of life to them, but very little religious harmony. +That cornet was the key-note of the whole performance. The hymns, +composed, I believe, for Dr. Talmage's flock, are not of high literary +value. "General" Booth would probably hesitate to include such in the +_repertoire_ of the Salvation Army. Judge of them for yourself. Here +are three illustrations culled from the programme: + + Sing, O sing, ye heirs of glory! + Shout your triumphs as you go: + Zion's gates will open for you, + You shall find an entrance through. + + 'Tis the promise of God, full salvation to give + Unto him who on Jesus, his Son, will believe. + + Though the pathway be lonely, and dangerous too, (_sic_) + Surely Jesus is able to carry me thro'. + +This is poetry such as you find inside Christmas crackers. + +Another hymn began: + + One more day's work for Jesus, + One less of life for me! + +I could not help thinking that there would be good employment for a +prophet of God, with a stout whip, in the congregations of the so-called +faithful of to-day. I have heard them by hundreds shouting at the top of +their voices: + + O Paradise, O Paradise! + 'Tis weary waiting here; + I long to be where Jesus is, + To feel, to see him near. + O Paradise, O Paradise! + I greatly long to see + The special place my dearest Lord, + In love, prepares for me! + +Knowing something of those people outside the church doors, I have often +thought what an edifying sight it would be if the Lord deigned to listen +and take a few of them at their word. If the fearless Christ were here +on earth again, what crowds of cheats and humbugs he would drive out of +the Temple! And foremost, I fancy, would go the people who, instead of +thanking their Maker who allows the blessed sun to shine, the birds to +sing, and the flowers to grow for them here, howl and whine lies about +longing for the joy of moving on to the better world, to the "special +place" that is prepared for them. If there be a better world, it will be +too good for hypocrites. + +After hymn the fifth, Dr. Talmage takes the floor. The audience settled +in their seats in evident anticipation of a good time, and it was soon +clear to me that the discourse was not to be dull at any rate. But I +waited in vain for a great thought, a lofty idea, or refined language. +There came none. Nothing but commonplaces given out with tricks of voice +and the gestures of a consummate actor. The modulations of the voice +have been studied with care, no single platform trick was missing. + +The doctor comes on the stage, which is about forty feet wide. He begins +slowly. The flow of language is great, and he is never at a loss for a +word. Motionless, in his lowest tones, he puts a question to us. Nobody +replies, of course. Thereupon he paces wildly up and down the whole +length of the stage. Then, bringing up in full view of his auditors, he +stares at them, crosses his arms, gives a double and tremendous stamp on +the boards, and in a terrific voice he repeats the question, and answers +it. The desired effect is produced: he never misses fire. + +Being an old stager of several years' standing myself, I admire him +professionally. Nobody is edified, nobody is regenerated, nobody is +improved, but all are entertained. It is not a divine service, but it is +a clever performance, and the Americans never fail to patronize a clever +performance. All styles go down with them. They will give a hearing to +everybody but the bore, especially on Sundays, when other forms of +entertainment are out of the running. + +[Illustration: THE DESIRED EFFECT.] + +It is not only the Brooklyn public that are treated to the discourses of +Dr. Talmage, but the whole of America. He syndicates his sermons, and +they are published in Monday's newspapers in all quarters of America. I +have also seen them reproduced in the Australian papers. + +The delivery of these orations by Dr. Talmage is so superior to the +matter they are made of, that to read them is slow indeed compared to +hearing them. + +At the back of the programme was a flaring advertisement of Dr. +Talmage's paper, called: + + CHRISTIAN HERALD AND SIGNS OF OUR TIMES. + + A live, undenominational, illustrated Christian paper, with a weekly + circulation of fifty thousand copies, and rapidly increasing. Every + State of the Union, every Province of Canada, and every country in the + world is represented on its enormous subscription list. Address your + subscription to Mr. N., treasurer, etc. + +"Signs of our times," indeed! + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + + VIRGINIA--THE HOTELS--THE SOUTH--I WILL KILL A RAILWAY CONDUCTOR + BEFORE I LEAVE AMERICA--PHILADELPHIA--IMPRESSIONS OF THE OLD CITY. + + + _Petersburg, Va., March 3._ + +Left New York last night and arrived here at noon. No change in the +scenery. The same burnt-up fields, the same placards all over the land. +The roofs of houses, the trees in the forests, the fences in the fields, +all announce to the world the magic properties of castor oil, aperients, +and liver pills. + +[Illustration: MY SUPPER.] + +A little village inn in the bottom of old Brittany is a palace of +comfort compared to the best hotel of a Virginia town. I feel wretched. +My bedroom is so dirty that I shall not dare to undress to-night. I have +just had lunch: a piece of tough dried-up beef, custard pie, and a glass +of filthy water, the whole served by an old negro on an old, ragged, +dirty table-cloth. + +Petersburg, which awakes so many souvenirs of the War of Secession, is a +pretty town scattered with beautiful villas. It strikes one as a +provincial town. To me, coming from the busy North, it looks asleep. The +South has not yet recovered from its disasters of thirty years ago. That +is what struck me most, when, two years ago, I went through Virginia, +Carolina, and Georgia. + +Now and then American eccentricity reveals itself. I have just seen a +church built on the model of a Greek temple, and surmounted with a +pointed spire lately added. Just imagine to yourself Julius Caesar with +his toga and buskin on, and having a chimney-top hat on his head. + +The streets seemed deserted, dead. + +To my surprise, the Opera House was crowded to-night. The audience was +fashionable and appreciative, but very cool, almost as cool as in +Connecticut and Maine. + +Heaven be praised! a gentleman invited me to have supper at a club after +the lecture. + + * * * * * + + _March 4._ + +I am sore all over. I spent the night on the bed, outside, in my day +clothes, and am bruised all over. I have pains in my gums too. Oh, that +piece of beef yesterday! I am off to Philadelphia. My bill at the hotel +amounts to $1.50. Never did I pay so much through the nose for what I +had through the mouth. + + * * * * * + + + _Philadelphia, March 4._ + +Before I return to Europe I will kill a railway conductor. + +[Illustration: "IMAGINE JULIUS CAESAR WITH A BIG HAT."] + +From Petersburg to Richmond I was the only occupant of the parlor car. +It was bitterly cold. The conductor of the train came in the smoke-room, +and took a seat. I suppose it was his right, although I doubt it, for he +was not the conductor attached to the parlor car. He opened the window. +The cold, icy air fell on my legs, or (to use a more proper expression, +as I am writing in Philadelphia) on my lower limbs. I said nothing, but +rose and closed the window. The fellow frowned, rose, and opened the +window again. + +"Excuse me," I said; "I thought that perhaps you had come here to look +after my comfort. If you have not I will look after it myself." And I +rose and closed the window. + +"I want the window open," said the conductor, and he prepared to re-open +it, giving me a mute, impudent scowl. + +I was fairly roused. Nature has gifted me with a biceps and a grip of +remarkable power. I seized the man by the collar of his coat. + +"As true as I am alive," I exclaimed, "if you open this window, I will +pitch you out of it." And I prepared for war. The cur sneaked away and +made an exit compared to which a whipped hound's would be majestic. + + * * * * * + +I am at the Bellevue, a delightful hotel. My friend Wilson Barrett is +here, and I have come to spend the day with him. He is playing every +night to crowded houses, and after each performance he has to make a +speech. This is his third visit to Philadelphia. During the first visit, +he tells me that the audience wanted a speech after each act. + +It is always interesting to compare notes with a friend who has been +over the same ground as yourself. So I was eager to hear Mr. Wilson +Barrett's impressions of his long tour in the States. + +Several points we both agreed perfectly upon at once; the charming +geniality and good-fellowship of the best Americans, the brilliancy and +naturalness of the ladies, the wonderful intelligence and activity of +the people, and the wearing monotony of life on the road. + +[Illustration: THE WHIPPED CONDUCTOR.] + +After the scene in the train, I was interested, too, to find that the +train conductors--those mute, magnificent monarchs of the railroad--had +awakened in Mr. Barrett much the same feeling as in myself. We Europeans +are used to a form of obedience or, at least, deference from our paid +servants, and the arrogant attitude of the American wage-earner first +amazes, and then enrages us--when we have not enough humor, or +good-humor, to get some amusement out it. It is so novel to be +tyrannized over by people whom you pay to attend to your comfort! The +American keeps his temper under the process, for he is the best-humored +fellow in the world. Besides, a small squabble is no more in his line +than a small anything else. It is not worth his while. The Westerner may +pull out a pistol and shoot you if you annoy him, but neither he nor the +Eastern man will wrangle for mastery. + +[Illustration: A BOSS.] + +If such was not the case, do you believe for a moment that the Americans +would submit to the rule of the "Rings," the "Leaders," and the +"Bosses"? + + * * * * * + +I like Philadelphia, with its magnificent park, its beautiful houses +that look like homes. It is not brand new, like the rest of America. + +My friend, Mr. J. M. Stoddart, editor of _Lippincott's Magazine_, has +kindly chaperoned me all the day. + +I visited in detail the State House, Independence Square. These words +evoke sentiments of patriotism in the hearts of the Americans. Here was +the bell that "proclaimed liberty throughout the Colonies" so loudly +that it split. It was on the 8th of July, 1776, that the bell was rung, +as the public reading of the Declaration of Independence took place in +the State House on that day, and there were great rejoicings. John +Adams, writing to Samuel Chase on the 9th of July, said: "The bell rang +all day, and almost all night." + +[Illustration: THE OLD LIBERTY BELL.] + +It is recorded by one writer that, on the 4th of July, when the motion +to adopt the declaration passed the majority of the Assembly, although +not signed by all the delegates, the old bell-ringer awaited anxiously, +with trembling hope, the signing. He kept saying: "They'll never do it, +they'll never do it!" but his eyes expanded, and his grasp grew firm +when the voice of a blue-eyed youth reached his ears in shouts of +triumph as he flew up the stairs of the tower, shouting: "Ring, grandpa, +ring; they've signed!" + +What a day this old "Liberty Bell" reminds you of! + +There, in the Independence Hall, the delegates were gathered. Benjamin +Harrison, the ancestor of the present occupier of the White House, +seized John Hancock, upon whose head a price was set, in his arms, and +placing him in the presidential chair, said: "We will show Mother +Britain how little we care for her, by making our president a +Massachusetts man, whom she has excluded from pardon by public +proclamation," and, says Mr. Chauncey M. Depew in one of his beautiful +orations, when they were signing the Declaration, and the slender +Elbridge Gerry uttered the grim pleasantry, "We must hang together, or +surely we will hang separately," the portly Harrison responded with more +daring humor, "It will be all over with me in a moment, but you will be +kicking in the air half an hour after I am gone." + +[Illustration: THE INKSTAND.] + +The National Museum is the auxiliary chamber to Independence Hall, and +there you find many most interesting relics of Colonial and +Revolutionary days: the silver inkstand used in signing the famous +Declaration; Hancock's chair; the little table upon which the document +was signed, and hundreds of souvenirs piously preserved by generations +of grateful Americans. + + * * * * * + +It is said that Philadelphia has produced only two successful men, Mr. +Wanamaker, the great dry-goods-store man, now a member of President +Benjamin Harrison's Cabinet, and Mr. George W. Childs, proprietor of the +Philadelphia _Public Ledger_, one of the most important and successful +newspapers in the United States. + +I went to Mr. Wanamaker's dry-goods-store, an establishment strongly +reminding you of the Paris _Bon Marche_, or Mr. Whiteley's warehouses in +London. + +By far the most interesting visit was that which I paid to Mr. George W. +Childs in his study at the _Public Ledger's_ offices. It would require a +whole volume to describe in detail all the treasures that Mr. Childs has +accumulated: curios of all kinds, rare books, manuscripts and +autographs, portraits, china, relics from the celebrities of the world, +etc. Mr. Childs, like the Prussians during their unwelcome visit to +France in 1870, has a strong _penchant_ for clocks. Indeed his +collection is the most remarkable in existence. His study is a beautiful +_sanctum sanctorum_; it is also a museum that not only the richest lover +of art would be proud to possess, but that any nation would be too glad +to acquire, if it could be acquired; but Mr. Childs is a very wealthy +man, and he means to keep it, and, I understand, to hand it over to his +successor in the ownership of the _Public Ledger_. + +Mr. George W. Childs is a man of about fifty years of age, short and +plump, with a most kind and amiable face. His munificence and +philanthropy are well known and, as I understand his character, I +believe he would not think much of my gratitude to him for the kindness +he showed me if I dwelt on them in these pages. + + * * * * * + +Thanks to my kind friends, every minute has been occupied visiting some +interesting place, or meeting some interesting people. I shall lecture +here next month, and shall look forward to the pleasure of being in +Philadelphia again. + +[Illustration: WHEN IRELAND IS FREE.] + +At the Union League Club I met Mr. Rufus E. Shapley, who kindly gave me +a copy of his clever and witty political satire, "Solid for Mulhooly," +illustrated by Mr. Thomas Nast. I should advise any one who would +understand how Jonathan is ruled municipally, to peruse this little +book. It gives the history of Pat's rise from the Irish cabin in +Connaught to the City Hall of the large American cities. + +"When one man," says Mr. Shapley, "owns and dominates four wards or +counties, he becomes a leader. Half a dozen such leaders combined +constitute what is called a Ring. When one leader is powerful enough to +bring three or four such leaders under his yoke, he becomes a Boss; and +a Boss wields a power almost as absolute, while it lasts, as that of the +Czar of Russia or the King of Zululand." + +Extracts from this book would not do it justice. It should be read in +its entirety. I read it with all the more pleasure that, in "Jonathan +and His Continent," I ventured to say: "The English are always wondering +why Americans all seem to be in favor of Home Rule, and ready to back up +the cause with their dollars. Why? I will tell you. Because they are in +hopes that, when the Irish recover the possession of Ireland, they will +all go home." + +A foreigner who criticises a nation is happy to see his opinions shared +by the natives. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + + MY IDEAS OF THE STATE OF TEXAS--WHY I WILL NOT GO THERE--THE STORY OF + A FRONTIER MAN. + + + _New York, March 5._ + +Have had cold audiences in Maine and Connecticut; and indifferent ones +in several cities, while I have been warmly received in many others. It +seems that, if I went to Texas, I might get it hot. + +I have received to-day a Texas paper containing a short editorial marked +at the four corners in blue pencil. Impossible not to see it. The +editorial abuses me from the first line to the last. When there appears +in a paper an article, or even only a short paragraph, abusing you, you +never run the risk of not seeing it. There always is, somewhere, a kind +friend who will post it to you. He thinks you may be getting a little +conceited, and he forwards the article to you, that you may use it as +wholesome physic. It does him good, and does you no harm. + +The article in question begins by charging me with having turned America +and the Americans into ridicule, goes on wondering that the Americans +can receive me so well everywhere, and, after pitching into me right and +left, winds up by warning me that, if I should go to Texas, I might for +a change meet with a hot reception. + +A shot, perhaps. + +A shot in Texas! No, no, no. + +I won't go to Texas. I should strongly object to being shot anywhere, +but especially in Texas, where the event would attract so little public +attention. + +[Illustration: "A SHOT IN TEXAS."] + + * * * * * + +Yet, I should have liked to go to Texas, for was it not from that State +that, after the publication of "Jonathan and His Continent," I received +the two following letters, which I have kept among my treasures? + + + DEAR SIR: + + I have read your book on America and greatly enjoyed it. Please to + send me your autograph. I enclose a ten-cent piece. The postage will + cost you five cents. Don't trouble about the change. + + + MY DEAR SIR: + + I have an album containing the photographs of many well-known people + from Europe as well as from America. I should much like to add yours + to the number. If you will send it to me, I will send you mine and + that of my wife in return. + + * * * * * + +And I also imagine that there must be in Texas a delightful +primitiveness of manners and good-fellowship. + +A friend once related to me the following reminiscence: + + I arrived one evening in a little Texas town, and asked for a bedroom + at the hotel. + + There was no bedroom to be had, but only a bed in a double-bedded + room. + + "Will that suit you?" said the clerk. + + "Well, I don't know," I said hesitatingly. "Who is the other?" + + "Oh, that's all right," said the clerk, "you may set your mind at rest + on that subject." + + "Very well," I replied, "I will take that bed." + + At about ten o'clock, as I was preparing to go to bed, my bedroom + companion entered. It was a frontier man in full uniform: Buffalo Bill + hat, leather leggings, a belt accommodating a couple of revolvers--no + baggage of any kind. + + I did not like it. + + "Hallo, stranger," said the man, "how are you?" + + "I'm pretty well," I replied, without meaning a word of it. + + The frontier man undressed, that is to say, took off his boots, placed + the two revolvers under his pillows and lay down. + + I liked it less and less. + + By and by, we both went to sleep. In the morning we woke up at the + same time. He rose, dressed--that is to say, put on his boots, and + wished me good-morning. + +[Illustration: MY ROOM-MATE.] + + The hall porter came with letters for my companion, but none for me. I + thought I should like to let that man know I had no money with me. So + I said to him: + + "I am very much disappointed. I expected some money from New York, and + it has not come." + + "I hope it will come," he replied. + + I did not like that hope. + + In the evening, we met again. He undressed--you know, went to sleep, + rose early in the morning, dressed--you know. + + The porter came again with letters for him and none for me. + + "Well, your money has not come," he said. + + "I see it has not. I'm afraid I'm going to be in a fix what to do." + + "I'm going away this morning." + + "Are you?" I said. "I'm sorry to part with you." + + The frontier man took a little piece of paper and wrote something on + it. + + "Take this, my friend," he said; "it may be useful to you." + + It was a check for a hundred dollars. + + I could have gone down on my knees, as I refused the check and asked + that man's pardon. + + * * * * * + +I lectured in Brooklyn to-night, and am off to the West to-morrow +morning. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + + CINCINNATI--THE TOWN--THE SUBURBS--A GERMAN CITY--"OVER THE + RHINE"--WHAT IS A GOOD PATRIOT?--AN IMPRESSIVE FUNERAL--A GREAT + FIRE--HOW IT APPEARED TO ME, AND HOW IT APPEARED TO THE NEWSPAPER + REPORTERS. + + + _Cincinnati, March 7._ + +My arrival in Cincinnati this morning was anything but triumphal. + +On leaving the car, I gave my check to a cab-driver, who soon came to +inform me that my valise was broken. It was a leather one, and on being +thrown from the baggage-van on the platform, it burst open, and all my +things were scattered about. In England or in France, half a dozen +porters would have immediately come to the rescue, but here the porter +is practically unknown. Three or four men belonging to the company +gathered round, but, neither out of complaisance nor in the hope of +gain, did any of them offer his services. They looked on, laughed, and +enjoyed the scene. I daresay the betting was brisk as to whether I +should succeed in putting my things together or not. Thanks to a leather +strap I had in my bag, I managed to bind the portmanteau and have it +placed on the cab that drove to the Burnet House. + +Immediately after registering my name, I went to buy an American trunk, +that is to say, an iron-bound trunk, to place my things in safety. I +have been told that trunk makers give a commission to the railway and +transfer baggagemen who, having broken trunks, recommend their owners to +go to such and such a place to buy new ones. This goes a long way toward +explaining the way in which baggage is treated in America. + +[Illustration: MY BROKEN VALISE.] + +On arriving in the dining-room, I was surprised to see the glasses of +all the guests filled with lemonade. "Why," thought I, "here is actually +an hotel which is not like all the other hotels." The lemonade turned +out to be water from the Ohio River. I could not help feeling grateful +for a change; any change, even that of the color of water. Anybody who +has traveled a great deal in America will appreciate the remark. + +Cincinnati is built at the bottom of a funnel from which rise hundreds +of chimneys vomiting fire and smoke. From the neighboring heights, the +city looks like a huge furnace, and so it is, a furnace of industry and +activity. It reminded me of Glasgow. + +If the city itself is anything but attractive, the residential parts are +perfectly lovely. I have seen nothing in America that surpasses Burnet +Wood, situated on the bordering heights of the town, scattered with +beautiful villas, and itself a mixture of a wilderness and a lovely +park. A kind friend drove me for three hours through the entire +neighborhood, giving me, in American fashion, the history of the owner +of each residence we passed. Here was the house of Mr. A., or rather Mr. +A. B. C, every American having three names. He came to the city twenty +years ago without a dollar. Five years later he had five millions. He +speculated and lost all, went to Chicago and made millions, which he +afterward lost. Now again he has several millions, and so on. This is +common enough in America. By and by, we passed the most beautiful of all +the villas of Burnet Wood--the house of the Oil King, Mr. Alexander +Macdonald, one of those wonderfully successful men, such as Scotland +alone can boast all the world over. America has been a great field for +the display of Scotch intelligence and industry. + +After visiting the pretty museum at Eden Park, a museum organized in +1880 in consequence of Mr. Charles W. West's offer to give $150,000 for +that purpose, and already in possession of very good works of art and +many valuable treasures, we returned to the city and stopped at the +Public Library. Over 200,000 volumes, representing all the branches of +science and literature, are there, as well as a collection of all the +newspapers of the world, placed in chronological order on the shelves +and neatly bound. I believe that this collection of newspapers and that +of Washington are the two best known. In the public reading-room, +hundreds of people are running over the newspapers from Europe and all +the principal cities of the United States. My best thanks are due to Mr. +Whelpley, the librarian, for his kindness in conducting me all over this +interesting place. Upstairs I was shown the room where the members of +the Council of Education hold their sittings. The room was all +topsy-turvey. Twenty-six desks and twenty-six chairs was about all the +furniture of the room. In a corner, piled up together, were the +cuspidores. I counted. Twenty-six. Right. + +After thanking my kind pilot, I returned to the Burnet House to read the +evening papers. I read that the next day I was to breakfast with Mr. A., +lunch with Mr. B., and dine with Mr. C. The _menu_ was not published. I +take it for granted that this piece of intelligence is quite interesting +to the readers of Cincinnati. + +My evening being free, I looked at the column of amusements. The first +did not tempt me, it was this: + + THE KING OF THE SWAMPS. + + _The Only and the Original._ + + ENGLISH JACK. + THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE FROG MAN. + + He makes a frog pond of his stomach by eating living frogs. An + appetite created by life in the swamps. He is so fond of this sort of + food that he takes the pretty creatures by the hind legs, and before + they can say their prayers they are inside out of the cold. + +[Illustration: "THE KING OF THE SWAMPS."] + +The next advertisement was that of a variety show, that most stupid form +of entertainment so popular in America; the next was the announcement of +pugilists, and another one that of a "most sensational drama, in which +'one of the most emotional actresses' in America" was to appear, +supported by "one of the most powerful casts ever gathered together in +the world." + +The superlatives, in American advertisements, have long ceased to have +the slightest effect upon me. + +The advertisement of another "show" ran thus: I beg to reproduce it in +its entirety; indeed it would be a sacrilege to meddle with it. + + TO THE PUBLIC. + + _My Friends and Former Patrons_: I have now been before the public for + the past seventeen years, and am perhaps too well known to require + further evidence of my character and integrity than my past life and + record will show. Fifteen years ago I inaugurated the system of + dispensing presents to the public, believing that a fair share of my + profits could thus honestly be returned to my patrons. At the outset, + and ever since, it has been my aim to deal honestly toward the + multitude who have given me patronage. Since that time many imitators + have undertaken to beguile the public, with but varying success. Many + unprincipled rascals have also appeared upon the scene, men without + talent, but far-reaching talons, who by specious promises have sought + to swindle all whom they could inveigle. This class of scoundrels do + not hesitate to make promises that they cannot and never intend to + fulfill, and should be frowned down by all honest men. They deceive + the public, leave a bad impression, and thus injure legitimate + exhibitions. Every promise I make will be faithfully fulfilled, as + experience has clearly proven that dealing uprightly with the public + brings its sure reward. All who visit my beautiful entertainment may + rely upon the same fair dealing which has been my life-long policy, + and which has always honored me with crowded houses. + + NEW UNIQUE PASTIMES. NEW HARMLESS MIRTH. + NEW COSTLY WONDERS. NEW FAMOUS ARTISTS. + NEW PLEASANT STUDIES. NEW INNOCENT FUN. + NEW POPULAR MUSIC. NEW KNOWLEDGE. + + _Special Notice._ + + Ladies and Children are especially Invited to Attend this + Entertainment. We Guarantee it to be Chaste, Pure, and as Wholesome + and Innocent as it is Amusing and Laughable. + +Finally I decided on going to see a German tragedy. I did not understand +it, but the acting seemed to me good. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GERMAN TRAGEDY.] + +Like Milwaukee, Cincinnati possesses a very strong German element. +Indeed a whole part of the city is entirely inhabited by a German +population, and situated on one side of the water. When you cross the +bridge in its direction, you are going "over the Rhine," to use the +local expression. "To go over the Rhine" of an evening means to go to +one of the many German _Brauerei_, and have sausages and Bavarian beer +for supper. + +The town is a very prosperous one. The Germans in America are liked for +their steadiness and industry. An American friend even told me that the +Germans were perhaps the best patriots the United States could boast of. + +Patriots! The word sounded strangely to my ears. I may be prejudiced, +but I call a good patriot a man who loves his own mother country. You +may like the land of your adoption, but you love the land of your birth. +Good patriots! I call a good brother a man who loves his sister, not +other people's sisters. + +The Germans apply for their naturalization papers the day after they +have landed. I should admire their patriotism much more if they waited a +little longer before they changed their own mother for a step-mother. + + * * * * * + + _March 8._ + +I witnessed a most impressive ceremony this morning, the funeral of the +American Minister Plenipotentiary to the Court of Berlin, whose body was +brought from Germany to his native place a few days ago. No soldiers +ordered to accompany the _cortege,_ no uniforms, but thousands of people +voluntarily doing honor to the remains of a talented and respected +fellow-citizen and townsman: a truly republican ceremony in its +simplicity and earnestness. + +The coffin was taken to the Music Hall, a new and beautiful building +capable of accommodating thousands of people, and placed on the platform +amid evergreens and the Stars and Stripes. In a few minutes, the hall, +decorated with taste but with appropriate simplicity, was packed from +floor to ceiling. Some notables and friends of the late Minister sat on +the platform around the coffin, and the mayor, in the name of the +inhabitants of the city, delivered a speech, a eulogistic funeral +oration, on the deceased diplomatist. All parties were represented in +the hall, Republicans and Democrats alike had come. America admits no +party feeling, no recollection of political differences, to intrude upon +the homage she gratefully renders to the memory of her illustrious dead. + +The mayor's speech, listened to by the crowd in respectful silence, was +much like all the speeches delivered on such occasions, including the +indispensable sentence that "he knew he could safely affirm that the +deceased had never made any enemies." When I hear a man spoken of, after +his death, as never having made any enemies, as a Christian I admire +him, but I also come to the conclusion that he must have been a very +insignificant member of the community. But the phrase, I should +remember, is a mere piece of flattery to the dead, in a country where +death puts a stop to all enmity, political enmity especially. The same +would be done in England, and almost everywhere. Not in France, however, +where the dead continue to have implacable enemies for many years after +they have left the lists. + + * * * * * + +The afternoon was pleasantly spent visiting the town hall and the +remarkable china manufactories, which turn out very pretty, quaint, and +artistic pottery. The evening brought to the Odeon a fashionable and +most cultivated audience. I am invited to pay a return visit to this +city. I shall look forward to the pleasure of lecturing here again in +April. + + * * * * * + + _March 9._ + +Spent a most agreeable Sunday in the hospitable house of M. Fredin, the +French consular agent, and his amiable and talented wife. M. Fredin was +kind enough to call yesterday at the Burnet House. + +As a rule, I never call on the representatives of France in my travels +abroad. If I traveled as a tourist, I would; but traveling as a +lecturer, I should be afraid lest the object of my visits might be +misconstrued, and taken as a gentle hint to patronize me. + +One day I had a good laugh with a French consul, in an English town +where I came to lecture. On arriving at the hall I found a letter from +this diplomatic compatriot, in which he expressed his surprise that I +had not apprised him of my arrival. The next morning, before leaving the +town, I called on him. He welcomed me most gracefully. + +"Why did you not let me, your consul, know that you were coming?" he +said to me. + +"Well, Monsieur le Consul," I replied, "suppose I wrote to you: +'Monsieur le Consul, I shall arrive at N. on Friday,' and suppose, now, +just suppose, that you answered me, 'Sir, I am glad to hear you will +arrive here on Friday, but what on earth is that to me?'" + +He saw the point at once. A Frenchman always does. + + * * * * * + + _March 10._ + +I like this land of conjuring. This morning I took the street car to go +on the Burnet Hills. At the foot of the hill the car--horses, and +all--enters a little house. The house climbs the hill vertically by +means of cables. Arrived at the top of the mountain, the car comes out +of the little house and goes on its way, just as if absolutely nothing +had happened. To return to town, I went down the hill in the same +fashion. But if the cable should break, you will exclaim, where would +you be? Ah, there you are! It does not break. It did once, so now they +see that it does not again. + +[Illustration: A VARIETY ACTOR.] + +In the evening there was nothing to see except variety shows and +wrestlers. There was a variety show which tempted me, the Hermann's +Vaudevilles. I saw on the list of attractions the name of my friend and +compatriot, F. Trewey, the famous shadowgraphist, and I concluded that +if the other artistes were as good in their lines as he is in his, it +would be well worth seeing. The show was very good of its kind, and +Trewey was admirable; but the audience were not refined, and it was not +his most subtle and artistic tricks that they applauded most, but the +broader and more striking ones. After the show he and I went "over the +Rhine." You know what it means. + + * * * * * + + _March 11, 9 a. m._ + +For a long time I had wished to see the wonderful American fire brigades +at work. The wish has now been satisfied. + +At half-past one this morning I was roused in my bed by the galloping of +horses and the shouts of people in the street. Huge tongues of fire were +licking my window, and the heat in the room was intense. Indeed, all +around me seemed to be in a blaze, and I took it for granted that the +Burnet House was on fire. I rose and dressed quickly, put together the +few valuables that were in my possession, and prepared to make for the +street. I soon saw, however, that it was a block of houses opposite that +was on fire, or rather the corner house of that block. + +The guests of the hotel were in the corridors ready for any emergency. +Had there been any wind in our direction, the hotel was doomed. The +night was calm and wet. As soon as we became aware that no lives were +lost or in danger in the burning building, and that it would only be a +question of insurance money to be paid by some companies, we betook +ourselves to admire the magnificent sight. For it was a magnificent +sight, this whole large building, the prey of flames coming in torrents +out of every window, the dogged perseverance of the firemen streaming +floods of water over the roof and through the windows, the salvage +corps men penetrating through the flames into the building in the hope +of receiving the next day a commission on all the goods and valuables +saved. A fierce battle it was between a brute element and man. By three +o'clock the element was conquered, but only the four walls of the +building remained, which proved to me that, with all their wonderful +promptitude and gallantry, all firemen can do when flames have got firm +hold on a building is to save the adjoining property. + +[Illustration: A FIRE YARN.] + +I listened to the different groups of people in the hotel. Some gave +advice as to how the firemen should set about their work, or criticised. +Others related the big fires they had witnessed, a few indulging in the +recital of the exploits they performed thereat. There are a good many +Gascons among the Americans. At four o'clock all danger was over, and we +all retired. + +[Illustration: AS WE SAW IT.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AS THE REPORTERS SAW IT.] + +I was longing to read the descriptions of the fire in this morning's +papers. I have now read them and am not at all disappointed. On the +contrary, they are beyond my most sanguine expectations. Wonderful; +simply perfectly wonderful! I am now trying to persuade myself that I +really saw all that the reporters saw, and that I really ran great +danger last night. For, "at every turn," it appears, "the noble hotel +seemed as if it must become the prey of the fierce element, and could +only be saved by a miracle." Columns and columns of details most +graphically given, sensational, blood-curdling. But all that is nothing. +You should read about the panic, and the scenes of wild confusion in the +Burnet House, when all the good folks, who had all dressed and were +looking quietly at the fire from the windows, are described as a crowd +of people in despair: women disheveled, in their night-dresses, running +wild, and throwing themselves in the arms of men to seek protection, and +all shrieking and panic-stricken. Such a scene of confusion and terror +you can hardly imagine. Wonderful! + +[Illustration: THE FIREMAN.] + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV. + +A JOURNEY IF YOU LIKE--TERRIBLE ENCOUNTER WITH AN AMERICAN INTERVIEWER. + + + _In the train to Brushville, March 11._ + +Left Cincinnati this morning at ten o'clock and shall not arrive at +Brushville before seven o'clock to-night. I am beginning to learn how to +speak American. As I asked for my ticket this morning at the railroad +office, the clerk said to me: + +"C. H. D. or C. C. C. St. L. and St. P.?" + +"C. H. D.," I replied, with perfect assurance. + +I happened to hit on the right line for Brushville. + +By this time I know pretty well all those combinations of the alphabet +by which the different railroad lines of America are designated. + +No hope of comfort or of a dinner to-day. I shall have to change trains +three times, but none of them, I am grieved to hear, have parlor cars or +dining cars. There is something democratic about uniform cars for all +alike. I am a democrat myself, yet I have a weakness for the parlor +cars--and the dining cars. + +At noon we stopped five minutes at a place which, two years ago, counted +six wooden huts. To-day it has more than 5000 inhabitants, the electric +light in the streets, a public library, two hotels, four churches, two +banks, a public school, a high school, cuspidores, toothpicks, and all +the signs of American civilization. + +I changed trains at one o'clock at Castle Green Junction. No hotel in +the place. I inquired where food could be obtained. A little wooden hut, +on the other side of the depot, bearing the inscription "Lunch Room," +was pointed out to me. _Lunch_ in America has not the meaning that it +has in England, as I often experienced to my despair. The English are +solid people. In England _lunch_ means something. In America, it does +not. However, as there was no _Beware_ written outside, I entered the +place. Several people were eating pies, fruit pies, pies with crust +under, and crust over: sealed mysteries. + +[Illustration: "PEACH POY AND APPLE POY."] + +"I want something to eat," I said to a man behind the counter, who was +in possession of only one eye, and hailed from Old Oireland. + +"What 'd ye loike?" replied he, winking with the eye that was not there. + +"Well, what have you got?" + +"Peach poy, apricot poy, apple poy, and mince poy." + +"Is that all?" + +"And, shure, what more do you want?" + +I have always suspected something mysterious about mince pies. At home, +I eat mince pies. I also trust my friends' cooks. Outside, I pass. I +think that mince pies and sausages should be made at home. + +"I like a little variety," I said to the Irishman, "give me a small +slice of apple pie, one of apricot pie, and another of peach pie." + +The Irishman stared at me. + +"What's the matter with the mince poy?" he seemed to say. + +I could see from his eye that he resented the insult offered to his +mince pies. + +I ate my pies and returned on the platform. I was told that the train +was two hours behind time, and I should be too late to catch the last +Brushville train at the next change. + +I walked and smoked. + +The three pies began to get acquainted with each other. + + * * * * * + + _Brushville, March 12._ + +Oh, those pies! + +At the last change yesterday, I arrived too late. The last Brushville +train was gone. + +The pies were there. + +A fortune I would have given for a dinner and a bed, which now seemed +more problematic than ever. + +I went to the station-master. + +"Can I have a special train to take me to Brushville to-night?" + +"A hundred dollars." + +"How much for a locomotive alone?" + +"Sixty dollars." + +"Have you a freight train going to Brushville?" + +"What will you do with it?" + +"Board it." + +"Board it! I can't stop the train." + +"I'll take my chance." + +"Your life is insured?" + +"Yes; for a great deal more than it is worth." + +"Very well," he said, "I'll let you do it for five dollars." + +[Illustration: ON THE ROAD TO BRUSHVILLE.] + +And he looked as if he was going to enjoy the fun. The freight train +arrived, slackened speed, and I boarded, with my portmanteau and my +umbrella, a car loaded with timber. I placed my handbag on the +timber--you know, the one I had when traveling in "the neighborhood of +Chicago"--sat on it, opened my umbrella, and waved a "tata" to the +station-master. + +It was raining fast, and I had a journey of some thirty miles to make at +the rate of about twelve miles an hour. + +Oh, those pies! They now seemed to have resolved to fight it out. +_Sacrebleu! De bleu! de bleu!_ + +A few miles from Brushville I had to get out, or rather, get down, and +take a ticket for Brushville on board a local train. + +Benumbed with cold, wet through, and famished, I arrived here at ten +o'clock last night. The peach pie, the apple pie, and the apricot pie +had settled their differences and become on friendly and accommodating +terms. + +I was able, on arriving at the hotel, to enjoy some light refreshments, +which I only obtained, at that time of night, thanks to the manager, +whom I had the pleasure of knowing personally. + +At eleven o'clock I went to bed, or, to use a more proper expression for +my Philadelphia readers, I retired. + +I had been "retiring" for about half an hour, when I heard a knock at +the door. + +"Who's there?" I grumbled from under the bedclothes. + +"A representative of the Brushville _Express_." + +"Oh," said I, "I am very sorry--but I'm asleep." + +"Please let me in; I won't detain you very long." + +"I guess you won't. Now, please do not insist. I am tired, upset, ill, +and I want rest. Come to-morrow morning." + +"No, I can't do that," answered the voice behind the door; "my paper +appears in the morning, and I want to put in something about you." + +"Now, do go away," I pleaded, "there's a good fellow." + +"I must see you," insisted the voice. + +"You go!" I cried, "you go----" without mentioning any place. + +For a couple of minutes there was silence, and I thought the interviewer +was gone. The illusion was sweet, but short. There was another knock, +followed by a "I really must see you to-night." Seeing that there would +be no peace until I had let the reporter in, I unbolted the door, and +jumped back into my--you know. + +[Illustration: THE INTERVIEWER.] + +It was pitch dark. + +The door opened; and I heard the interviewer's steps in the room. By and +by, the sound of a pocket being searched was distinct. It was his own. A +match was pulled out and struck; the premises examined and +reconnoitered. + +A chandelier with three lights hung in the middle of the room. The +reporter, speechless and solemn, lighted one burner, then two, then +three, chose the most comfortable seat, and installed himself in it, +looking at me with an air of triumph. + +I was sitting up, wild and desheveled, in my "retiring" clothes. + +"_Que voulez-vous?_" I wanted to yell, my state of drowsiness allowing +me to think only in French. + +Instead of translating this query by "What do you want?" as I should +have done, if I had been in the complete enjoyment of my intellectual +faculties, I shouted to him: + +"What will you have?" + +"Oh, thanks, I'm not particular," he calmly replied. "I'll have a little +whisky and soda--rye whisky, please." + +My face must have been a study as I rang for whisky and soda. + +The mixture was brought--for two. + +"I suppose you have no objection to my smoking?" coolly said the man in +the room. + +"Not at all," I remarked; "this is perfectly lovely; I enjoy it all." + +He pulled out his pocket-book and his pencil, crossed his legs, and +having drawn a long whiff from his cigar, he said: + +"I see that you have no lecture to deliver in Brushville; may I ask you +what you have come here for?" + +"Now," said I, "what the deuce is that to you? If this is the kind of +questions you have to ask me, you go----" + +He pocketed the rebuff, and went on undisturbed: + +"How are you struck with Brushville?" + +"I am struck," said I, "with the cheek of some of the inhabitants. I +have driven to this hotel from the depot in a closed carriage, and I +have seen nothing of your city." + +The man wrote down something. + +"I lecture to-morrow night," I continued, "before the students of the +State University, and I have come here for rest." + +He took this down. + +"All this, you see, is very uninteresting; so, good-night." + +And I disappeared. + +The interviewer rose and came to my side. + +"Really, now that I am here, you may as well let me have a chat with +you." + +"You wretch!" I exclaimed. "Don't you see that I am dying for sleep? Is +there nothing sacred for you? Have you lost all sense of charity? Have +you no mother? Don't you believe in future punishment? Are you a man or +a demon?" + +"Tell me some anecdotes, some of your reminiscences of the road," said +the man, with a sardonic grin. + +I made no reply. The imperturbable reporter resumed his seat and smoked. + +"Are you gone?" I sighed, from under the blankets. + +The answer came in the following words: + +"I understand, sir, that when you were a young man----" + +"When I was WHAT?" I shouted, sitting up once more. + +"I understand, sir, that when you were _quite_ a young man," repeated +the interviewer, with the sentence improved, "you were an officer in +the French army." + +"I was," I murmured, in the same position. + +"I also understand you fought during the Franco-Prussian war." + +"I did," I said, resuming a horizontal position. + +"May I ask you to give me some reminiscences of the Franco-Prussian +war--just enough to fill about a column?" + +I rose and again sat up. + +"Free citizen of the great American Republic," said I, "beware, beware! +There will be blood shed in this room to-night." + +And I seized my pillow. + +"You are not meaty," exclaimed the reporter. + +"May I inquire what the meaning of this strange expression is?" I said, +frowning; "I don't speak American fluently." + +"It means," he replied, "that there is very little to be got out of +you." + +"Are you going?" I said, smiling. + +"Well, I guess I am." + +"Good-night." + +"Good-night." + +I bolted the door, turned out the gas, and "re-retired." + +"Poor fellow," I thought; "perhaps he relied on me to supply him with +material for a column. I might have chatted with him. After all, these +reporters have invariably been kind to me. I might as well have obliged +him. What is he going to do?" + +And I dreamed that he was dismissed. + +I ought to have known better. + +This morning I opened the Brushville _Express_, and, to my stupefaction, +saw a column about me. My impressions of Brushville, that I had no +opportunity of looking at, were there. Nay, more. I would blush to +record here the exploits I performed during the Franco-Prussian war, as +related by my interviewer, especially those which took place at the +battle of Gravelotte, where, unfortunately, I was not present. The whole +thing was well written. The reference to my military services began +thus: "Last night a hero of the great Franco-Prussian war slept under +the hospitable roof of Morrison Hotel, in this city." + +"Slept!" This was adding insult to injury. + + * * * * * + +This morning I had the visit of two more reporters. + +"What do you think of Brushville?" they said; and, seeing that I would +not answer the question, they volunteered information on Brushville, and +talked loud on the subject. I have no doubt that the afternoon papers +will publish my impressions of Brushville. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV. + + THE UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA--INDIANAPOLIS--THE VETERANS OF THE GRAND + ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC ON THE SPREE--A MARVELOUS EQUILIBRIST. + + + _Bloomington, Ind., March 13._ + +Lectured yesterday before the students of the University of Indiana, and +visited the different buildings this morning. The university is situated +on a hill in the midst of a wood, about half a mile from the little town +of Bloomington. + +In a few days I shall be at Ann Arbor, the University of Michigan, the +largest in America, I am told. I will wait till then to jot down my +impressions of university life in this country. + + * * * * * + +I read in the papers: "Prince Saunders, colored, was hanged here +(Plaquemine, Fla.) yesterday. He declared he had made his peace with +God, and his sins had been forgiven. Saunders murdered Rhody Walker, his +sweetheart, last December, a few hours after he had witnessed the +execution of Carter Wilkinson." + +If Saunders has made his peace with God, I hope his executioners have +made theirs with God and man. What an indictment against man! What an +argument against capital punishment! Here is a man committing a murder +on returning from witnessing an execution. And there are men still to be +found who declare that capital punishment deters men from committing +murder! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VETERANS.] + + _Indianapolis, March 14._ + +Arrived here yesterday afternoon. Met James Whitcomb Riley, the Hoosier +poet. Mr. Riley is a man of about thirty, a genuine poet, full of pathos +and humor, and a great reciter. No one, I imagine, could give his poetry +as he does himself. He is a born actor, who holds you in suspense, and +makes you cry or laugh just as he pleases. I remember, when two years +ago Mr. Augustin Daly gave a farewell supper to Mr. Henry Irving and +Miss Ellen Terry at Delmonico's, Mr. Riley recited one of his poems at +table. He gave most of us a big lump in our throats, and Miss Terry had +tears rolling down her cheeks. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GREAT BALANCING FEAT.] + +The veterans of the Grand Army of the Republic are having a great field +day in Indianapolis. They have come here to attend meetings and ask for +pensions, so as to reduce that unmanageable surplus. Indianapolis is +full, and the management of Denison House does not know which way to +turn. All these veterans have large, broad-brimmed soft hats and are +covered all over with badges and ribbons. Their wives and daughters, +members of some patriotic association, have come with them. It is a huge +picnic. The entrance hall is crowded all day. The spittoons have been +replaced by tubs for the occasion. Chewing is in favor all over America, +but the State of Indiana beats, in that way, everything I have seen +before. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IN EUROPE SWAGGERING LITTLE BOYS SMOKE."] + +Went to see Clara Morris in Adolphe Belot's "Article 47," at the Opera +House, last night. Clara Morris is a powerful actress, but, like most +actors and actresses who go "starring" through America, badly supported. +I watched the audience with great interest. Nineteen mouths out of +twenty were chewing--the men tobacco, the women gum impregnated with +peppermint. All the jaws were going like those of so many ruminants +grazing in a field. From the box I occupied the sight was most amusing. + +On returning to Denison House from the theater, I went to have a smoke +in a quiet corner of the hall, far from the crowd. By and by two men, +most smartly dressed, with diamond pins in their cravats, and flowers +embroidered on their waistcoats, came and sat opposite me. I thought +they had chosen the place to have a quiet chat together. Not so. One +pushed a cuspidore with his foot and brought it between the two chairs. +There, for half an hour, without saying one word to each other, they +chewed, hawked, and spat--and had a good time before going to bed. + + * * * * * + +Trewey is nowhere as an equilibrist, compared to a gallant veteran who +breakfasted at my table, this morning. Among the different courses +brought to him were two boiled eggs, almost raw, poured into a tumbler +according to the American fashion. Without spilling a drop, he managed +to eat those eggs with the end of his knife. It was marvelous. I have +never seen the like of it, even in Germany, where the knife trick is +practiced from the tenderest age. + +In Europe, swaggering little boys smoke; here they chew and spit, and +look at you, as if to say: "See what a big man I am!" + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI. + + CHICAGO (SECOND VISIT)--VASSILI VERESCHAGIN'S EXHIBITION--THE + "ANGELUS"--WAGNER AND WAGNERITES--WANDERINGS ABOUT THE BIG CITY--I SIT + ON THE TRIBUNAL. + + + _Chicago, March 15._ + +Arrived here this morning and put up at the Grand Pacific Hotel. My +lecture to-night at the Central Music Hall is advertised as a +_causerie_. My local manager informs me that many people have inquired +at the box-office what the meaning of that French word is. As he does +not know himself, he could not enlighten them, but he thinks that +curiosity will draw a good crowd to-night. + +This puts me in mind of a little incident which took place about a year +ago. I was to make my appearance before an afternoon audience in the +fashionable town of Eastbourne. Not wishing to convey the idea of a +serious and prosy discourse, I advised my manager to call the +entertainment "_A causerie_." The room was full and the affair passed +off very well. But an old lady, who was a well-known patroness of such +entertainments, did not put in an appearance. On being asked the next +day why she was not present, she replied: "Well, to tell you the truth, +when I saw that they had given the entertainment a French name, I was +afraid it might be something not quite fit for me to hear." Dear soul! + + * * * * * + + _March 16._ + +My manager's predictions were realized last night. I had a large +audience, one of the keenest and the most responsive and appreciative I +have ever had. I was introduced by Judge Elliott Anthony, of the +Superior Court, in a short, witty, and graceful little speech. He spoke +of Lafayette and of the debt of gratitude America owes to France for the +help she received at her hands during the War of Independence. Before +taking leave of me, Judge Anthony kindly invited me to pay a visit to +the Superior Court next Wednesday. + + * * * * * + + _March 17._ + +Dined yesterday with Mr. James W. Scott, proprietor of the Chicago +_Herald_, one of the most flourishing newspapers in the United States, +and in the evening went to see Richard Mansfield in "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. +Hyde." The play is a repulsive one, but the double impersonation gives +the great actor a magnificent opportunity for the display of his +histrionic powers. The house was crowded, though it was Sunday. The pick +of Chicago society was not there, of course. Some years ago, I was told, +a Sunday audience was mainly composed of men. To-day the women go as +freely as the men. The "horrible" always has a great fascination for the +masses, and Mansfield held his popular audience in a state of breathless +suspense. There was a great deal of disappointment written on the faces +when the light was turned down on the appearance of "Mr. Hyde," with his +horribly distorted features. A woman, sitting in a box next to the one I +occupied, exclaimed, as "Hyde" came to explain his terrible secret to +the doctor, in the fourth act, "What a shame, they are turning down the +light again!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DEAR SOUL!"] + + _March 18._ + +Spent yesterday in recreation intellectual--and otherwise. I like to see +everything, and I have no objection to entering a dime museum. I went to +one yesterday morning, and saw a bearded lady, a calf with two heads, a +gorilla (stuffed), a girl with no arms, and other freaks of nature. The +bearded lady had very, very masculine features, but _honi soit qui mal y +pense_. I could not help thinking of one of General Horace Porter's good +stories. A school-master asks a little boy what his father is. + +"Please, sir, papa told me not to tell." + +"Oh, never mind, it's all right with me." + +"Please, sir, he is the bearded lady at the dime museum." + +From the museum I went to the free library in the City Hall. Dime +museums and free libraries--such is America. The attendance at the free +libraries increases rapidly every day, and the till at the dime museums +diminishes with proportionate rapidity. + +[Illustration: "THE BEARDED LADY."] + +After lunch I paid a visit to the exhibition of Vassili Vereschagin's +pictures. What on earth could possess the talented Russian artist, whose +coloring is so lovely, to expend his labor on such subjects! Pictures +like those, which show the horrors of a campaign in all their +hideousness, may serve a good purpose in creating a detestation of war +in all who see them. Nothing short of such a motive in the artist could +excuse the portrayal of such infamies. These pictures are so many +nightmares which will certainly haunt my eyes and brain for days and +nights to come. Battle scenes portrayed with a realism that is +revolting, because, alas, only too true. The execution of nihilists in a +dim, dreary, snow-covered waste. An execution of sepoys, the doomed +rebels tied to the mouths of cannon about to be fired off. Scenes of +torture, illustrative of the extent to which human suffering can be +carried, give you cold shudders in every fiber of your body. One horrid +canvas shows a deserted battlefield, the snow-covered ground littered +with corpses that ravens are tearing and fighting for. But, perhaps +worst of all, is a picture of a field, where, in the snow, lie the human +remains of a company of Russian soldiers who have been surprised and +slain by Turks. Among the bodies, outraged by horrible and nameless +mutilations, walks a priest, swinging a censer. One seems to be pursued +by, and impregnated with, a smell of cadaverous putrefaction. This +collection of pictures is installed in a place which has been used for +stabling horses in, and is reeking with stable odors and the carbolic +acid that has been employed to neutralize them. Your sense of smell is +in full sympathy with your horrified sense of sight: both are revolted. + + * * * * * + +Now, behind the three large rooms devoted to the Russian artist's works +was a small one, in which hung a single picture. You little guess that +that picture was no other than Jean Francois Millet's "Angelus." +Millet's dear little "Angelus," that hymn of resignation and peace, +alongside of all this roar and carnage of battle! The exhibitor thought, +perhaps, that a sedative might be needed after the strong dose of +Vassili Vereschagin, but I imagine that no one who went into that little +room after the others was in a mood to listen to Millet's message. + + * * * * * + + _March 19._ + +Yesterday morning I went to see the Richmond Libby Prison, a four-story, +huge brick building which has been removed here from Richmond, over a +distance of more than a thousand miles, across the mountains of +Pennsylvania. This is, perhaps, as the circular says, an unparalleled +feat in the history of the world. The prison has been converted into a +museum, illustrating the Civil War and African Slavery in America. The +visit proved very interesting. In the afternoon I had a drive through +the beautiful parks of the city. + +In the evening I went to see "Tannhaeuser" at the Auditorium. Outside, +the building looks more like a penitentiary than a place of amusement--a +huge pile of masonry, built of great, rough, black-looking blocks of +stone. Inside, it is magnificent. I do not know anything to compare with +it for comfort, grandeur, and beauty. It can hold seven thousand people. +The decorations are white and gold. The lighting is done by means of arc +electric lights in the enormously lofty roof--lights which can be +lowered at will. Mr. Peck kindly took me to see the inner workings of +the stage. I should say "stages," for there are three. The hydraulic +machinery for raising and lowering them cost $200,000. + +Madame Lehmann sang grandly. I imagine that she is the finest lady +exponent of Wagner's music alive. She not only sings the parts, but +looks them. Built on grand lines and crowned with masses of blond hair, +she seems, when she gives forth those volumes of clear tones, a Norse +goddess strayed into the nineteenth century. + +M. Gounod describes Wagner as an astounding prodigy, an aberration of +genius, a dreamer haunted by the colossal. For years I had listened to +Wagner's music, and, like most of my compatriots, brought up on the +tuneful airs of Bellini, Donizetti, Rossini, Verdi, Auber, etc., I +entirely failed to appreciate the music of the future. All I could say +in its favor was some variation of the sentiment once expressed by Mr. +Edgar W. Nye ("Bill Nye") who, after giving the subject his mature +consideration, said he came to the conclusion that Wagner's music was +not so bad as it sounded. But I own that since I went to Bayreuth and +heard and saw the operas as there given, I began not only to see that +they are beautiful, but why they are beautiful. + +Wagnerian opera is a poetical and musical idealization of speech. + +The fault that I, like many others, have fallen into, was that of +listening to the voices instead of listening to the orchestra. The fact +is, the voices could almost be dispensed with altogether. The orchestra +gives you the beautiful poem in music, and the personages on the stage +are really little more than illustrative puppets. They play about the +same part in the work that pictures play in a book. Wagner's method was +something so new, so different to all we had been accustomed to, that it +naturally provoked much indignation and enmity--not because it was bad, +but because it was new. It was the old story of the Classicists and +Romanticists over again. + +If you wanted to write a symphony, illustrative of the pangs and +miseries of a sufferer from toothache, you would, if you were a disciple +of Wagner, write your orchestral score so that the instruments should +convey to the listener the whole gamut of groans--the temporary relief, +the return of the pain, the sudden disappearance of it on ringing the +bell at the dentist's door, the final wrench of extraction gone through +by the poor patient. On the boards you would put a personage who, with +voice and contortions, should help you, as pictorial illustrations help +an author. Such is the Wagnerian method. + +[Illustration: "A TERRIBLE WAGNERITE."] + +After the play I met a terrible Wagnerite. Most Wagnerites are terrible. +They will not admit that anything can be discussed, much less +criticised, in the works of the master. They are not admirers, +disciples; they are worshipers. To them Wagner's music is as perfect as +America is to many a good-humored American. They will tell you that +never have horses neighed so realistically as they do in the "Walkuere." +Answer that this is almost lowering music to the level of ventriloquism, +and they will declare you a profane, unworthy to live. My Wagnerite +friend told me last night that Wagner's work constantly improved till it +reached perfection in "Parsifal." "There," he said, quite seriously, +"the music has reached such a state of perfection that, in the garden +scene, you can smell the violets and the roses." + +"Well," I interrupted, "I heard 'Parsifal' in Bayreuth, and I must +confess that it is, perhaps, the only work of Wagner's that I cannot +understand." + +"I have heard it thirty-four times," he said, "and enjoyed it more the +thirty-fourth time than I did the thirty-third." + +"Then," I remarked, "perhaps it has to be heard fifty times before it +can be thoroughly appreciated. In which case, you must own that life is +too short to enable one to see an opera fifty times in order to enjoy it +as it should really be enjoyed. I don't care what science there is about +music, or what labors a musician should have to go through. As one of +the public, I say that music is a recreation, and should be understood +at once. Auber, for example, with his delightful airs, that three +generations of men have sung on their way home from the opera house, has +been a greater benefactor of the human race than Wagner. I prefer music +written for the heart to music written for the mind." + +On hearing me mention Auber's name in one breath with Wagner's, the +Wagnerite threw a glance of contempt at me that I shall never forget. + +"Well," said I, to regain his good graces, "I may improve yet--I will +try again." + +As a rule, the Wagnerite is a man utterly destitute of humor. + + * * * * * + + _March 20._ + +Yesterday morning I called on Judge Elliott Anthony, at the Superior +Court. The Judge invited me to sit by his side on the tribunal, and +kindly explained to me the procedure, as the cases went on. Certainly +kindness is not rare in Europe, but such simplicity in a high official +is only to be met with in America. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII. + + ANN ARBOR--THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN--DETROIT AGAIN--THE FRENCH OUT + OF FRANCE--OBERLIN COLLEGE, OHIO--BLACK AND WHITE--ARE ALL AMERICAN + CITIZENS EQUAL? + + + _Detroit, March 22._ + +ONE of the most interesting and brilliant audiences that I have yet +addressed was the large one which gathered in the lecture hall of the +University of Michigan, at Ann Arbor, last night. Two thousand young, +bright faces to gaze at from the platform is a sight not to be easily +forgotten. I succeeded in pleasing them, and they simply delighted me. + +The University of Michigan is, I think, the largest in the United +States. + +Picture to yourself one thousand young men and one thousand young women, +in their early twenties, staying together in the same boarding-houses, +studying literature, science, and the fine arts in the same class-rooms, +living happily and in perfect harmony. + +They are not married. + +No restraint of any sort. Even in the boarding-houses they are allowed +to meet in the sitting-rooms; I believe that the only restriction is +that, at eight o'clock in the evening, or at nine (I forget which), the +young ladies have to retire to their private apartments. + +"But," some European will exclaim, "do the young ladies' parents trust +all these young men?" They do much better than that, my dear +friend--they trust their daughters. + +During eighteen years, I was told, three accidents happened, but three +marriages happily resulted. + +The educational system of America engenders the high morality which +undoubtedly exists throughout the whole of the United States, by +accustoming women to the companionship of men from their infancy, first +in the public schools, then in the high schools, and finally in the +universities. It explains the social life of the country. It accounts +for the delightful manner in which men treat women. It explains the +influence of women. Receiving exactly the same education as the men, the +women are enabled to enjoy all the intellectual pleasures of life. They +are not inferior beings intended for mere housekeepers, but women +destined to play an important part in all the stations of life. + +No praise can be too high for a system of education that places +knowledge of the highest order at the disposal of every child born in +America. The public schools are free, the high schools are free, and the +universities,[4] through the aid that they receive from the United +States and from the State in which they are, can offer their privileges, +without charge for tuition, to all persons of either sex who are +qualified by knowledge for admission. + +The University of Michigan comprises the Department of Literature, +Science, and the Arts, the Department of Medicine and Surgery, the +Department of Law, the School of Pharmacy, the Homoeopathic Medical +College, and the College of Dental Surgery. Each department has its +special Faculty of Instruction. + +I count 118 professors on the staff of the different faculties. + +The library contains 70,041 volumes, 14,626 unbound brochures, and 514 +maps and charts. + +The University also possesses beautiful laboratories, museums, an +astronomical observatory, collections, workshops of all sorts, a lecture +hall capable of accommodating over two thousand people, art studios, +etc., etc. Almost every school has a building of its own, so that the +University is like a little busy town. + +No visit that I have ever paid to a public institution interested me so +much as the short one paid to the University of Michigan yesterday. + + * * * * * + +Dined this evening with Mr. W. H. Brearley, editor of the Detroit +_Journal_. Mr. Brearley thinks that the Americans, who received from +France such a beautiful present as the statue of "Liberty Enlightening +the World," ought to present the mother country of General Lafayette +with a token of her gratitude and affection, and he has started a +national subscription to carry out his idea. He has already received +support, moral and substantial. I can assure him that nothing would +touch the hearts of the French people more than such a tribute of +gratitude and friendship from the other great republic. + + * * * * * + +In the evening I had a crowded house in the large lecture hall of the +Young Men's Christian Association. + +After the lecture, I met an interesting Frenchman residing in Detroit. + +"I was told a month ago, when I paid my first visit to Detroit, that +there were twenty-five thousand French people living here," I said to +him. + +"The number is exaggerated, I believe," he replied, "but certainly we +are about twenty thousand." + +"I suppose you have French societies, a French Club?" I ventured. + +He smiled. + +"The Germans have," he said, "but we have not. We have tried many times +to found French clubs in this city, so as to establish friendly +intercourse among our compatriots, but we have always failed." + +"How is that?" I asked. + +"Well, I don't know. They all wanted to be presidents, or +vice-presidents. They quarreled among themselves." + +"When six Frenchmen meet to start a society," I said, "one will be +president, two vice-presidents, one secretary, and the other +assistant-secretary. If the sixth cannot obtain an official position, he +will resign and go about abusing the other five." + +"That's just what happened." + +It was my turn to smile. Why should the French in Detroit be different +from the French all over the world, except perhaps in their own country? +A Frenchman out of France is like a fish out of water. He loses his +native amiability and becomes a sort of suspicious person, who spends +his life in thinking that everybody wants to tread on his corns. + +"When two Frenchmen meet in a foreign land," goes an old saying, "there +is one too many." + +[Illustration: THE TWO FRENCHMEN.] + +In Chicago there are two Frenchmen engaged in teaching the natives of +the city "how to speak and write the French language correctly." The +people of Chicago maintain that the streets are too narrow to let these +two Frenchmen pass, when they walk in opposite directions. And it +appears that one of them has lately started a little French paper--to +abuse the other in. + +I think that all the faults and weaknesses of the French can be +accounted for by the presence of a defect, jealousy; and the absence of +a quality, humor. + + * * * * * + + _Oberlin, O., March 24._ + +Have to-night given a lecture to the students of Oberlin College, a +religious institution founded by the late Rev. Charles Finney, the +friend of the slaves, and whose voice, they say, when he preached, shook +the earth. + +The college is open to colored students; but in an audience of about a +thousand young men and women, I could only discover the presence of two +descendants of Ham. + +Originally many colored students attended at Oberlin College, but the +number steadily decreased every year, and to-day there are only very +few. The colored student is not officially "boycotted," but he has +probably discovered by this time that he is not wanted in Oberlin +College any more than in the orchestra stalls of an American theater. + +The Declaration of Independence proclaims that "all men are created +equal," but I never met a man in America (much less still a woman) who +believed this or who acted upon it. + +The railroad companies have special cars for colored people, and the +saloons special bars. At Detroit, I was told yesterday that a +respectable and wealthy mulatto resident, who had been refused service +in one of the leading restaurants of the town, brought an action against +the proprietor, but that, although there was no dispute of the facts, +the jury unanimously decided against the plaintiff, who was moreover +mulcted in costs to a heavy amount. But all this is nothing: the Young +Men's Christian Association, one of the most representative and +influential corporations in the United States, refuses to admit colored +youths to membership. + +[Illustration: THE NEGRO.] + +It is just possible that in a few years colored students will have +ceased to study at Oberlin College. + +I can perfectly well understand that Jonathan should not care to +associate too closely with the colored people, for, although they do not +inspire me with repulsion, still I cannot imagine--well, I cannot +understand for one thing how the mulatto can exist. + +But since the American has to live alongside the negro, would it not be +worth his while to treat him politely and honestly, give him his due as +an equal, if not in his eyes, at any rate in the eyes of the law? Would +it not be worth his while to remember that the "darky" cannot be +gradually disposed of like the Indian, for Sambo adapts himself to his +surroundings, multiplies apace, goes to school, and knows how to read, +write, and reckon. Reckon especially. + +It might be well to remember, too, that all the greatest, bloodiest +revolutions the world has ever seen were set on foot, not to pay off +hardships, but as revenge for injustice. "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was called +a romance, nothing but a romance, by the aristocratic Southerners; but, +to use the Carlylian phrase, their skins went to bind the hundreds of +editions of that book. Another "Uncle Tom's Cabin" may yet appear. + +America will have "to work her thinking machine" seriously on this +subject, and that before many years are over. If the next Presidential +election is not run on the negro question, the succeeding one surely +will be. + +[Illustration] + + +FOOTNOTE: + + [4] A fee of ten dollars entitles a student to the privileges of + permanent membership in the University. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII. + + MR. AND MRS. KENDAL IN NEW YORK--JOSEPH JEFFERSON--JULIAN + HAWTHORNE--MISS ADA REHAN--"AS YOU LIKE IT" AT DALY'S THEATER. + + + _New York, March 28._ + +The New York papers this morning announce that the "Society of Young +Girls of Pure Character on the Stage" give a lunch to Mrs. Kendal +to-morrow. + +Mr. and Mrs. Kendal have conquered America. Their tour is a triumphal +march through the United States, a huge success artistically, +financially, and socially. + +I am not surprised at it. I went to see them a few days ago in "The +Ironmaster," and they delighted me. As _Claire_ Mrs. Kendal was +admirable. She almost succeeded in making me forget Madame Jane Hading, +who created the part at the Gymnase, in Paris, six years ago. + + * * * * * + +This morning Mr. Joseph Jefferson called on me at the Everett House. The +veteran actor, who looks more like a man of fifty than like one of over +sixty, is now playing with Mr. William J. Florence in "The Rivals." I +had never seen him off the stage. I immediately saw that the +characteristics of the actor were the characteristics of the +man--kindness, naturalness, simplicity, _bonhomie_, and _finesse_. An +admirable actor, a great artist, and a lovable man. + +At the Down-Town Club, I lunched with the son of Nathaniel +Hawthorne--the greatest novelist that America has yet produced--Mr. +Julian Hawthorne, himself a novelist of repute. Lately he has written a +series of sensational novels in collaboration with the famous New York +detective, Inspector Byrnes. Mr. Julian Hawthorne is a man of about +forty-five, tall, well-proportioned, with an artistic-looking head +crowned with grayish hair, that reminds a Frenchman of Alexandre Dumas, +_fils_, and an American of Nathaniel Hawthorne. A charming, unaffected +man, and a delightful _causeur_. + + * * * * * + +In the evening I went to Daly's Theater and saw "As You Like It." That +bewitching queen of actresses, Miss Ada Rehan, played _Rosalind_. Miss +Rehan is so original that it would be perfectly impossible to compare +her to any of the other great actresses of France and England. She is +like nobody else. She is herself. The coaxing drawl of her musical +voice, the vivacity of her movements, the whimsical spontaneity that +seems to direct her acting, her tall, handsome figure, her beautiful, +intellectual face, all tend to make her a unique actress. She fascinates +you, and so gets hold of you, that when she is on the stage she entirely +fills it. Mr. John Drew as _Orlando_ and Mr. James Drew as _Touchstone_ +were admirable. + +It matters little what the play-bill announces at Daly's Theater. If I +have not seen the play, I am sure to enjoy it; if I have seen it +already, I am sure to enjoy it again. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX. + + WASHINGTON--THE CITY--WILLARD'S HOTEL--THE POLITICIANS--GENERAL + BENJAMIN HARRISON, U. S. PRESIDENT--WASHINGTON + SOCIETY--BALTIMORE--PHILADELPHIA. + + + _Washington, April 3._ + +Arrived here the day before yesterday, and put up at Willard's. I prefer +this huge hotel to the other more modern houses of the capital, because +it is thoroughly American; because it is in its rotunda that every +evening the leading men of all parties and the notables of the nation +may be found; because to meet at Willard's at night is as much the +regular thing as to perform any of the official functions of office +during the day; because, to use the words of a guide, which speaks the +truth, it is pleasant to live in this historical place, in apartments +where battles have been planned and political parties have been born or +doomed to death, to become familiar with surroundings amid which +Presidents have drawn their most important papers and have chosen their +Cabinet Ministers, and where the proud beauties of a century have held +their Court. + + * * * * * + +On the subject of Washington hotels, I was told a good story the other +day. + +[Illustration: EVENING AT WILLARD'S.] + +The most fashionable hotel of this city having outgrown its space, the +proprietors sent a note to a lady, whose back yard adjoined, to say, +that, contemplating still enlarging their hotel, they would be glad to +know at what price she would sell her yard, and they would hand her the +amount without any more discussion. The lady, in equally Yankee style, +replied that she had been contemplating enlarging her back yard, and +was going to inquire what they would take for part of their hotel! + + * * * * * + +How beautiful this city of Washington is, with its wide avenues, its +parks, and its buildings! That Capitol, in white marble, standing on +elevated ground, against a bright blue sky, is a poem--an epic poem. + +I am never tired of looking at the expanse of cloudless blue that is +almost constantly stretched overhead. The sunsets are glorious. The +poorest existence would seem bearable under such skies. I am told they +are better still further West. I fancy I should enjoy to spend some time +on a farm, deep in the country, far from the noisy, crowded streets, but +I fear I am condemned to see none but the busy haunts of Jonathan. + + * * * * * + +In the evening I went to what is called a colored church. The place was +packed with negroes of all shades and ages; the women, some of them very +smartly dressed, and waving scarlet fans. In a pew sat a trio truly +gorgeous. Mother, in black shiny satin, light-brown velvet mantle +covered with iridescent beads, bonnet to match. Daughter of fifteen; +costume of sky-blue satin, plush mantle, scarlet red, chinchilla fur +trimmings, white hat with feathers. Second girl, or daughter, light-blue +velvet, from top to toe, with large hat, apple-green and gold. + +[Illustration: A GORGEOUS TRIO.] + +Every one was intently listening to the preacher, a colored man, who +gave them, in graphic language and stentorian voice, the story of the +capture of the Jews by Cyrus, their slavery and their delivery. A low +accompaniment of "Yes!" "Hear, hear!" "Allelujah!" "Glory!" from the +hearers, showed their approbation of the discourse. From time to time, +there would be a general chuckle or laughter, and exclamations of +delight from the happy grin-lit mouths, as, for instance, when the +preacher described the supper of Belshazzar, and the appearance of the +writing on the wall, in his own droll fashion. "'Let's have a fine +supper,' said Belshazzar. 'Dere's ole Cyrus out dere, but we'll have a +good time and enjoy ourselves, and never mind him.' So he went for de +cups dat had come from de Temple of Jerusalem, and began carousin'! Dere +is Cyrus, all de while, marchin' his men up de bed ob de river. I see +him comin'! I see him!" Then he pictured the state all that wicked party +got in at the sight of the writing nobody could read, and by this time +the excitement of the congregation was tremendous. The preacher thought +this a good opportunity to point a moral. So he proceeded: "Now, drink +is a poor thing; dere's too much of it in dis here city." Here followed +a picture of certain darkies, who cut a dash with shiny hats and canes, +and frequented bars and saloons. "When folks take to drinkin', somefin's +sure to go wrong." Grins and grunts of approbation culminated in perfect +shouts of glee, as the preacher said: "Ole Belshazzar and de rest of 'em +forgot to shut de city gate, and in came Cyrus and his men." + +[Illustration: THE PREACHER.] + +They went nearly wild with pleasure over the story of the liberation of +the Jews, and incidental remarks on their own freeing. "Oh, let dem go," +said their masters, when they found the game was up, "dey'll soon perish +and die out!" Here the preacher laughed loudly, and then shouted: "But +we don't die out so easy!" [Grins and chuckling.] + +One old negro was very funny to watch. When something met with his +approval, he gave off a little "tchsu, tchsu!" and writhed forward and +back on his seat for a moment, apparently in intense enjoyment; then +jumped off his seat, turning round once or twice; then he would listen +intently again, as if afraid to lose a word. + +[Illustration: THE OLD NEGRO.] + +"I see dis, I see dat," said the preacher continually. His listeners +seemed to see it too. + + * * * * * + +At ten minutes to twelve yesterday morning, I called at the White House. +The President had left the library, but he was kind enough to return, +and at twelve I had the honor to spend a few minutes in the company of +General Benjamin Harrison. Two years ago I was received by Mr. Grover +Cleveland with the same courtesy and the same total absence of red tape. + +The President of the United States is a man about fifty-five years old; +short, exceedingly neat, and even _recherche_ in his appearance. The +hair and beard are white, the eyes small and very keen. The face is +severe, but lights up with a most gentle and kind smile. + +General Harrison is a popular president; but the souvenir of Mrs. +Cleveland is still haunting the minds of the Washingtonians. They will +never forget the most beautiful lady who ever did the honors of the +White House, and most of them look forward to the possibility of her +returning to Washington in March, 1893. + + * * * * * + +Washington society moves in circles and sets. The wife of the President +and the wives and daughters of the Cabinet Ministers form the first +set--Olympus, as it were. The second set is composed of the ladies +belonging to the families of the Judges of the Supreme Court! The +Senators come next. The Army circle comes fourth. The House of +Representatives supplies the last set. Each circle, a Washington friend +tells me, is controlled by rigid laws of etiquette. Senators' wives +consider themselves much superior to the wives of Congressmen, and the +Judges' wives consider themselves much above those of the Senators. But, +as a rule, the great lion of Washington society is the British Minister, +especially when he happens to be a real live English lord. All look up +to him; and if a young titled English _attache_ wishes to marry the +richest heiress of the capital, all he has to do is to throw the +handkerchief, the young and the richest natives do not stand the ghost +of a chance. + + * * * * * + +Lectured last night, in the Congregational Church, to a large and most +fashionable audience. Senator Hoar took the chair, and introduced me in +a short, neat, gracefully worded little speech. In to-day's Washington +_Star_, I find the following remark: + + The lecturer was handsomely introduced by Senator Hoar, who combines + the dignity of an Englishman, the sturdiness of a Scotchman, the + _savoir faire_ of a Frenchman, and the culture of a Bostonian. + + +What a strange mixture! I am trying to find where the compliment comes +in, surely not in "the _savoir faire_ of a Frenchman!" + + * * * * * + +Armed with a kind letter of introduction to Miss Kate Field, I called +this morning at the office of this lady, who is characterized by a +prominent journalist as "the very brainiest woman in the United States." +Unfortunately she was out of town. + +I should have liked to make the personal acquaintance of this brilliant, +witty woman, who speaks, I am told, as she writes, in clear, caustic, +fearless style. My intention was to interview her a bit. A telegram was +sent to her in New York from her secretary, and her answer was wired +immediately: "Interview _him_." So, instead of interviewing Miss Kate +Field, I was interviewed, for her paper, by a young and very pretty lady +journalist. + + * * * * * + + _Baltimore, April 4._ + +I have spent the day here with some friends. + +Baltimore strikes one as a quiet, solid, somewhat provincial town. It is +an eminently middle-class looking city. There is no great wealth in it, +no great activity; but, on the other hand, there is little poverty; it +is a well-to-do city _par excellence_. The famous Johns Hopkins +University is here, and I am not surprised to learn that Baltimore is a +city of culture and refinement. + +A beautiful forest, a mixture of cultivated park and wilderness, about a +mile from the town, must be a source of delight to the inhabitants in +summer and during the beautiful months of September and October. + +I was told several times that Baltimore was famous all over the States +for its pretty women. + +They were not out to-day. And as I have not been invited to lecture in +Baltimore, I must be content with hoping to be more lucky next time. + + * * * * * + + _Philadelphia, April 5._ + +After my lecture in Association Hall to-night, I will return to New York +to spend Easter Sunday with my friends. Next Monday off again to the +West, to Cincinnati again, to Chicago again, and as far as Madison, the +State city of Wisconsin. + +[Illustration: A BALTIMORE WOMAN.] + +By the time this tour is finished--in about three weeks--I shall have +traveled something like thirty thousand miles. + +The more I think of it, the more I feel the truth of this statement, +which I made in "Jonathan and His Continent": To form an exact idea of +what a lecture tour is in America, just imagine that you lecture +to-night in London, to-morrow in Paris, then in Berlin, then in Vienna, +then in Constantinople, then in Teheran, then in Bombay, and so forth. +With this difference, that if you had to undertake the work in Europe, +at the end of a week you would be more dead than alive. + +[Illustration: "THE GOOD, ATTENTIVE, POLITE CONDUCTOR OF ENGLAND."] + +But here you are not caged on the railroad lines, you can circulate. +There is no fear of cold, no fear of hunger, and if the good, attentive, +polite railway conductors of England could be induced to do duty on +board the American cars, I would anytime go to America for the mere +pleasure of traveling. + + + + +CHAPTER XL. + +EASTER SUNDAY IN NEW YORK. + + + _New York, April 6 (Easter Sunday.)_ + +[Illustration: A BELLOWING SOPRANO.] + +This morning I went to Dr. Newton's church in Forty-eighth Street. He +has the reputation of being one of the best preachers in New York, and +the choir enjoys an equally great reputation. The church was literally +packed until the sermon began, and then some of the strollers who had +come to hear the anthems moved on. Dr. Newton's voice and delivery were +not at all to my taste, so I did not sit out his sermon either. He has a +big, unctuous voice, with the intonations and inflections of a showman +at the fair. He has not the flow of ideas that struck me so forcibly +when I heard the late Henry Ward Beecher in London; he has not the +histrionic powers of Dr. Talmage, either. There was more show than +beauty about the music, too. A bellowing, shrieking soprano overpowered +all the other voices in the choir, including that of a really beautiful +tenor that deserved to be heard. + + * * * * * + +New York blossoms like the rose on Easter Day. Every woman has a new +bonnet and walks abroad to show it. + +[Illustration: SOME EASTER BONNETS.] + +There are grades in millinery as there are in society. The imported +bonnet takes the proudest rank; it is the aristocrat in the world of +headgear. It does not always come with the conqueror (in one of her +numerous trunks), but it always comes to conquer, and a proud, though +ephemeral triumph it enjoys, perched on the dainty head of a New York +belle, and supplemented by a frock from Felix's or Redfern's. + +It is a unique sight, Fifth Avenue on Easter Sunday, when all the +up-town churches have emptied themselves of their gayly garbed +worshipers. + +[Illustration: KEEPING LENT.] + +The "four hundred" have been keeping Lent in polite, if not rigorous, +fashion. Who shall say what it has cost them in self-sacrifice to limit +themselves to the sober, modest violet for table and bonnet decoration +during six whole weeks? These things cannot be lightly judged by the +profane. I have even heard of sweet, devout New York girls who limited +themselves to one pound of _marrons glaces_ a week during Lent. Such +feminine heroism deserves mention. + +[Illustration: A CLUB WINDOW.] + +And have they not been sewing flannel for the poor, once a week, instead +of directing the manipulation of silk and gauze for their own fair +forms, all the week long? Who shall gauge the self-control necessary for +fasting such as this? But now Dorcas meetings are over, and dances begin +again to-morrow. The Easter anthem has been sung, and the imported +bonnet takes a turn on Fifth Avenue to salute and to hob-nob with +Broadway imitations during the hour between church and lunch. To New +Yorkers this Easter Church parade is as much of an institution in its +way as those of Hyde Park during the season are to the Londoners. It +was plain that the people sauntering leisurely on the broad sidewalks, +the feminine portion at least, had not come out solely for religious +exercise in church, but had every intention to see and to be seen, +especially the latter. On my way down, I saw some folks who had not been +to church, and only wanted to see, so stood with faces glued to the +windows of the big clubs, looking out at the kaleidoscopic procession: +old bachelors, I daresay, who hold the opinion that spring bonnets, +whether imported or home-grown, ought to be labeled "dangerous." At all +events they were gazing as one might gaze at some coveted but +out-of-reach fruit, and looking as if they dared not face their +fascinating young townswomen in all the splendor of their new war paint. +A few, perhaps, were married men, and this was their quiet protest +against fifty-dollar hats and five-hundred-dollar gowns. + +The sight was beautiful and one not to be forgotten. + + * * * * * + +In the evening I dined with Colonel Robert G. Ingersoll and the members +of his family. I noticed something which struck me as novel, but as +perfectly charming. Each man was placed at table by the side of his +wife, including the host and hostess. This custom in the colonel's +family circle (I was the only guest not belonging to it) is another +proof that his theories are put into practice in his house. Dinner and +time vanished with rapidity in that house, where everything breathes +love and happiness. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI. + + I MOUNT THE PULPIT, AND PREACH ON THE SABBATH, IN THE STATE OF + WISCONSIN--THE AUDIENCE IS LARGE AND APPRECIATIVE; BUT I PROBABLY FAIL + TO PLEASE ONE OF THE CONGREGATION. + + + _Milwaukee, April 21._ + +To a certain extent I am a believer in climatic influence, and am +inclined to think that Sabbath reformers reckon without the British +climate when they hope to ever see a Britain full of cheerful +Christians. M. Taine, in his "History of English Literature," ascribes +the unlovable morality of Puritanism to the influence of the British +climate. "Pleasure being out of question," he says, "under such a sky, +the Briton gave himself up to this forbidding virtuousness." In other +words, being unable to be cheerful, he became moral. This is not +altogether true. Many Britons are cheerful who don't look it, many +Britons are not moral who look it. + +But how would M. Taine explain the existence of this same puritanic +"morality" which can be found under the lovely, clear, bright sky of +America? All over New England, and indeed in most parts of America, the +same Kill-joy, the same gloomy, frowning Sabbath-keeper is flourishing, +doing his utmost to blot the sunshine out of every recurring seventh +day. + +Yet Sabbath-keeping is a Jewish institution that has nothing to do with +Protestantism; but there have always been Protestants more Protestant +than Martin Luther, and Christians more Christian than Christ. + +[Illustration: PURITAN LACK OF CHEERFULNESS.] + +Luther taught that the Sabbath was to be kept, not because Moses +commanded it, but because Nature teaches us the necessity of the seventh +day's rest. He says "If anywhere the day is made holy for the mere day's +sake, then I command you to work on it, ride on it, dance on it, do +anything that will reprove this encroachment on Christian spirit and +liberty." + +The old Scotch woman, who "did nae think the betterer on" the Lord for +that Sabbath-day walk through the cornfield, is not a solitary type of +Anglo-Saxon Christian. But it is when these Puritans judge other nations +that they are truly great. + +Puritan lack of charity and dread of cheerfulness often lead Anglo-Saxon +visitors to France to misjudge the French mode of spending Sunday. +Americans, as well as English, err in this matter, as I had occasion to +find out during my second visit to America. + +I had been lecturing last Saturday evening in the pretty little town of +Whitewater, in Wisconsin, and received an invitation from a minister to +address a meeting that was to be held yesterday, Sunday, in the largest +church of the place to discuss the question, "How Sunday should be +spent." I at first declined, on the ground that it might not be exactly +in good taste for a foreigner to advise his hosts how to spend Sunday. +However, when it was suggested that I might simply go and tell them how +Sunday was spent in France, I accepted the task. + +The proceedings opened with prayer and an anthem; and a hymn in praise +of the Jewish Sabbath having been chosen by the moderator, I thought the +case looked bad for us French people, and that I was going to cut a poor +figure. + +The first speaker unwittingly came to my rescue by making an onslaught +upon the French mode of spending the seventh day. "With all due respect +to the native country of our visitor," said he, "I am bound to say that +on the one Sunday which I spent in Paris, I saw a great deal of low +immorality, and I could not help coming to the conclusion that this was +due to the fact of the French not being a Sabbath-keeping people." He +wound up with a strong appeal to his townsmen to beware of any +temptation to relax in their observance of the fourth commandment as +given by Moses. + +I was called upon to speak next. I rose in my pew, but was requested to +go into the rostrum. + +With alacrity I stepped forward, a little staggered, perhaps, at finding +myself for the first time in a pulpit, but quite ready for the fray. + +"I am sorry," said I, "to hear the remarks made by the speaker who has +just sat down. I cannot, however, help thinking that if our friend had +spent that Sunday in Paris in respectable places, he would have been +spared the sight of any low immorality. No doubt Paris, like every large +city in the world, has its black spots, and you can easily discover +them, if you make proper inquiries as to where they are, and if you are +properly directed. Now, let me ask, where did he go? I should very much +like to know. Being an old Parisian, I have still in my mind's eye the +numerous museums that are open free to the people on Sundays. One of the +most edifying sights in the city is that of our peasants and workmen in +their clean Sunday blouses enjoying themselves with their families, and +elevating their tastes among our art treasures. Did our friend go there? +I know there are places where for little money the symphonies of +Beethoven and other great masters may be and are enjoyed by thousands +every Sunday. Did our friend go there? Within easy reach of the people +are such places as the Bois de Boulogne, the Garden of Acclimation, +where for fifty centimes a delightful day may be spent among the lawns +and flower-beds of that Parisian "Zoo." Its goat cars, ostrich cars, its +camel and elephant drives make it a paradise for children, and one might +see whole families there on Sunday afternoons in the summer, the parents +refreshing their bodies with this contact with nature and their hearts +with the sight of the children's glee. Did our friend go there? We even +have churches in Paris, churches that are crammed from six o'clock in +the morning till one in the afternoon with worshipers who go on their +knees to God. Now, did our friend go to church on that Sunday? Well, +where did he go? I am quitting Whitewater to-morrow, and I leave it to +his townspeople to investigate the matter. When I first visited New +York, stories were told me of strange things to be seen there even on a +Sunday. Who doubts, I repeat, that every great city has its black spots? +I had no desire to see those of New York, there was so much that was +better worth my time and attention. If our friend, our observing friend, +would only have done in Paris as I did in New York, he would have seen +very little low immorality." + +The little encounter at Whitewater was only one more illustration of the +strange fact that the Anglo-Saxon, who is so good in his own country, so +constant in his attendance at church, is seldom to be seen in a sacred +edifice abroad, unless, indeed, he has been led there by Baedeker. + +And last night, at Whitewater, I went to bed pleased with myself, like a +man who has fought for his country. + + * * * * * + +When I am in France, I often bore my friends with advice, and find, as +usual, that advice is a luxurious gift thoroughly enjoyed by the one who +gives it. + +"You don't know how to do these things," I say to them; "in England or +in America, they are much more intelligent; they do like this and like +that." And my friends generally advise me to return to England or +America, where things are so beautifully managed. + +But, when I am out of France, the old Frenchman is all there, and if you +pitch into my mother country, I stand up ready to fight at a minute's +notice. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XLII. + + THE ORIGIN OF AMERICAN HUMOR AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS--THE SACRED AND + THE PROFANE--THE GERMANS AND AMERICAN HUMOR--MY CORPSE WOULD "DRAW," + IN MY IMPRESARIO'S OPINION. + + + _Madison, Wis., April 22._ + +Have been lecturing during the past fortnight in about twelve places, +few of which possessed any interest whatever. One of them, +however--Cincinnati--I was glad to see again. + +This town of Madison is the only one that has really struck me as being +beautiful. From the hills the scenery is perfectly lovely, with its +wooded slopes and lakes. Through the kindness of Governor Hoard, I have +had a comprehensive survey of the neighborhood; for he has driven me in +his carriage to all the prettiest spots, delighting me all the while +with his conversation. He is one of those Americans whom you may often +meet if you have a little luck: witty, humorous, hospitable, +kind-hearted, the very personification of unaffected good-fellowship. + +The conversation turned on humor. + +I have always wondered what the origin of American humor can be; where +is or was the fountain-head. You certainly find humor in England among +the cultured classes, but the class of English people who emigrate +cannot have imported much humor into America. Surely Germany and +Scandinavia cannot have contributed to the fund, either. The Scotch have +dry, quiet, pawky, unconscious humor; but their influence can hardly +have been great enough to implant their quaint native "wut" in American +soil. Again, the Irish bull is droll, but scarcely humorous. The +Italians, the Hungarians, have never yet, that I am aware of, been +suspected of even latent humor. + +What then, can be the origin of American humor, as we know it, with its +naive philosophy, its mixture of the sacred and the profane, its +exaggeration and that preposterousness which so completely staggers the +foreigner, the French and the German especially? + +The mixing of sacred with profane matter, no doubt, originated with the +Puritans themselves, and is only an outcome of the cheek-by-jowl, +next-door-neighbor fashion of addressing the Higher Powers, which is so +common in the Scotch. Many of us have heard of the Scotch minister, whom +his zeal for the welfare of missionaries moved to address Heaven in the +following manner: "We commend to thy care those missionaries whose lives +are in danger in the Fiji Islands ... which, Thou knowest, are situated +in the Pacific Ocean." And he is not far removed in our minds from the +New England pastor, who preached on the well-known text of St. Paul, and +having read: "All things are possible to me," took a five-dollar bill +out of his pocket, and placing it on the edge of the pulpit, said: "No, +Paul, that is going too far. I bet you five dollars that you can't----" +But continuing the reading of the text: "Through Christ who +strengtheneth me," exclaimed, "Ah, that's a very different matter!" and +put back the five-dollar bill in his pocket. + +[Illustration: THE MISSIONARY AND THE FIJIS.] + +This kind of amalgamation of the sacred and profane is constantly +confronting one in American soil, and has a firm foothold in American +humor. + +Colonel Elliott F. Shepard, proprietor of the New York _Mail and +Express_, every morning sends to the editor a fresh text from the Bible +for publication at the top of the editorials. One day that text was +received, but somehow got lost, and by noon was still unfound. I was +told that "you should have heard the compositors' room ring with: 'Where +can that d----d text be?'" Finally the text was wired and duly inserted. +These men, however, did not intend any religious disrespect. Such a +thing was probably as far from their minds as it was from the minds of +the Puritan preachers of old. There are men who swear, as others pray, +without meaning anything. One is a bad habit, the other a good one. + + * * * * * + +All that naive philosophy, with which America abounds, must, I fancy, be +the outcome of hardship endured by the pioneers of former days, and by +the Westerner of our own times. + +The element of exaggeration, which is so characteristic of American +humor, may be explained by the rapid success of the Americans and the +immensity of the continent which they inhabit. Everything is on a grand +scale, or suggests hugeness. Then negro humor is mainly exaggeration, +and has no doubt added its quota to the compound which, as I said just +now, completely staggers certain foreigners. + +Governor Hoard was telling me to-day that a German was inclined to be +offended with him for saying that the Germans, as a rule, were unable to +see through an American joke, and he invited Governor Hoard to try the +effect of one upon him. The governor, thereupon told him the story of +the tree, "out West," which was so high that it took two men to see to +the top. One of them saw as far as he could, then the second started +from the place where the first stopped seeing, and went on. The recital +did not raise the ghost of a smile, and Governor Hoard then said to the +German: "Well, you see, the joke is lost upon you; you can't see +American humor." + +[Illustration: "THAT'S A TAMNT LIE!"] + +"Oh, but," said the German, "that is not humor, that's a _tamnt_ lie!" + +And he is still convinced that he can see through an American joke. + + * * * * * + + _Grand Rapids, April 24._ + +Have had to-day a lovely, sublime example of that preposterousness which +so often characterizes American humor. + +Arrived here this morning from Chicago. At noon, the Grand Rapidite who +was "bossing the show" called upon me at the Morton House, and kindly +inquired whether there was anything he could do for me. Before leaving, +he said: "While I am here, I may as well give you the check for +to-night's lecture." + +"Just as you please," I said; "but don't you call that risky?" + +"What do you mean?" + +"Well, I may die before the evening." + +"Oh, that's all right," he interrupted. "I'll exhibit your corpse; I +guess there will be just as much money in it!" + + * * * * * + +Grand Rapids is noted for its furniture manufactories. A draughtsman, +who is employed to design artistic things for the largest of these +manufactories, kindly showed me over the premises of his employers. I +was not very surprised to hear that when the various retail houses come +to make their yearly selections, they will not look at any models of the +previous season, so great is the rage for novelties in every branch of +industry in this novelty-loving America. + +[Illustration: MY EXHIBITOR.] + +No sinecure, that draughtsman's position, I can tell you. + +Over in Europe, furniture is reckoned by periods. Here it is an affair +of seasons. + +Very funny to have to order a new sideboard or wardrobe, "to be sent +home without delay" for fear of its being out of date. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII. + + GOOD-BY TO AMERICA--NOT "ADIEU," BUT "AU REVOIR"--ON BOARD THE + "TEUTONIC"--HOME AGAIN. + + + _New York, April 26._ + +THE last two days have vanished rapidly in paying calls. + +This morning my impresario gave me a farewell breakfast at the Everett +House. Edmund Clarence Stedman was there; Mark Twain, George Kennan, +General Horace Porter, General Lloyd Bryce, Richard Watson Gilder, and +many others sat at table, and joined in wishing me _bon voyage_. + +Good-by, my dear American friends, I shall carry away sweet +recollections of you, and whether I am re-invited in your country or +not, I will come again. + + * * * * * + + _April 27._ + +The saloon on board the _Teutonic_ is a mass of floral offerings sent by +friends to the passengers. Two huge beautiful baskets of lilies and +roses are mine. + +The whistle is heard for the third time. The hands are pressed and the +faces kissed, and all those who are not passengers leave the boat and go +and take up position on the wharf to wave their handkerchiefs until the +steamer is out of sight. A great many among the dense crowd are friendly +faces familiar to me. + +[Illustration: TWO BASKETS FOR ME.] + +The huge construction is set in motion, and gently and smoothly glides +from the docks to the Hudson River. The sun is shining, the weather +glorious. + +The faces on land get less and less distinct. For the last time I wave +my hat. + +Hallo, what is the matter with me? Upon my word, I believe I am sad. I +go to the library, and, like a child, seize a dozen sheets of note paper +on which I write: "Good-by." I will send them to New York from Sandy +Hook. + +[Illustration: THE "TEUTONIC."] + +The _Teutonic_ is behaving beautifully. We pass Sandy Hook. The sea is +perfectly calm. Then I think of my dear ones at home, and the happiest +thoughts take the place of my feelings of regret at leaving my friends. + +My impresario, Major J. B. Pond, shares a beautiful, well-lighted, airy +cabin with me. He is coming to England to engage Mr. Henry M. Stanley +for a lecture tour in America next season. + +The company on board is large and choice. In the steerage a few +disappointed American statesmen return to Europe. + +[Illustration: "A FEW DISAPPOINTED STATESMEN."] + +Oh! that _Teutonic!_ can any one imagine anything more grand, more +luxurious? She is going at the rate of 450 miles a day. In about five +days we shall be at Queenstown. + + * * * * * + + _Liverpool, May 4._ + +My most humble apologies are due to the Atlantic for libeling that ocean +at the beginning of this book. For the last six days the sea has been +perfectly calm, and the trip has been one of pleasure the whole time. +Here is another crowd on the landing-stage at Liverpool. + +And now, dear reader, excuse me if I leave you. You were present at the +friendly farewell handshakings on the New York side; but, on this +Liverpool quay, I see a face that I have not looked upon for five +months, and having a great deal to say to the owner of it, I will +politely bow you out first. + +[Illustration] + + + + + Max O'Rell's Impressions of America and the Americans. + + + JONATHAN AND HIS CONTINENT + + BY + + MAX O'RELL + AND JACK ALLYN + + _TRANSLATED BY MADAME PAUL BLOUET._ + + IN ONE ELEGANT 12MO VOLUME. + + Extra Cloth, Gilt Top, Price, $1.50. + Paper Binding, " 50 cts. + + + WHAT THE PRESS SAYS: + +"We have laughed with him at our neighbors, and now if we are clever we +will laugh with him at ourselves."--_Daily Graphic, N. Y._ + +"One reads the book with a perpetual smile on one's face, punctuated +every now and then by a loud laugh, as one follows the brilliant +Frenchman through his six months' tour of America. * * * He has glanced +at things with the eye of a trained observer, and commented upon them +with originality and humor. * * * One lays down the book with a wish +that one might know its author."--_Chicago News._ + +"The sensation of the spring. * * * It will tickle the American in spots +and make him mad in spots, but it will be read, talked of, and +enjoyed."--_Home Journal, Boston._ + +"Undoubtedly the most interesting and sprightly book of the season. * * +* It is rich in information."--_Inter-Ocean, Chicago._ + + + CASSELL PUBLISHING COMPANY, + 104 & 106 FOURTH AVENUE, N. Y. + + + + +"Rarely has one sprung into so immediate a fame in two +continents."--_Boston Home Journal._ + + + A NEW VOLUME BY MAX O'RELL, + AUTHOR OF + _JONATHAN AND HIS CONTINENT._ + + JACQUES BONHOMME, + _JOHN BULL ON THE CONTINENT, + and FROM MY LETTER BOX._ + + By MAX O'RELL, + _Author of "Jonathan and His Continent," "John Bull, Jr.," etc., etc._ + + 1 vol., 12mo, Paper, 50 cents. Extra Cloth, 75 cents. + + +"If any one was absurd enough to feel aggrieved at Max O'Rell's +amusement over us in 'Jonathan and His Continent,' he may take his +revenge in 'Jacques Bonhomme,' wherein the light-headed Blouet laughs at +his compatriots as well."--_The Springfield Republican._ + +"The book is full of sprightly, keen observations ... there is not a +dull line in it from first to last, and its information is as genuine +and accurate in the way of glimpses into the more intimate life of the +people as it is charming in its sparkle and glow of style.--_Boston +Evening Traveller._ + +"He is a keen observer and has a happy faculty of presenting the comical +side of things, and that with unvarying good humor, apparently +indifferent whether the joke hits himself or somebody else."--_The Troy +Budget._ + +"In it is pictured the French at school, at war, in leading strings, in +love, at work, at play, and at table, in trouble, in England, etc., +etc.,"--_The Boston Times._ + +"Take it all in all, we think the most delightful book that Max O'Rell +has written is his last published, entitled 'Jacques Bonhomme.'"--_Home +Journal, Boston._ + + + NEW YORK + CASSELL PUBLISHING COMPANY + 104 & 106 FOURTH AVENUE + + + + + JOHN BULL, JR., + + OR + + French as She is Traduced. + + By MAX O'RELL, + + _AUTHOR OF + JONATHAN AND HIS CONTINENT_. + + With a Preface by GEORGE C. EGGLESTON. + + Boards, flexible; price, 50 cents. Cloth, gilt top, unique, $1.00. + + +"There is not a page in this delightful little volume that does not +sparkle."--_Phila. Press._ + +"One expects Max O'Rell to be distinctively funny. He is regarded as a +French Mark Twain."--_The Beacon._ + +"The whole theory of education is to be extracted from these humorous +sketches."--_Baltimore American._ + +"A volume which is bubbling over with brightness, and is pervaded with +wholesome common sense."--_N. Y. Com. Advertiser._ + +"May be placed among those favored volumes whose interest is not +exhausted by one perusal, but which may be taken up again with a renewal +of the entertainment afforded by the first reading."--_Boston Gazette._ + + + CASSELL PUBLISHING COMPANY + 104 & 106 FOURTH AVENUE, NEW YORK + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Frenchman in America, by Max O'Rell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A FRENCHMAN IN AMERICA *** + +***** This file should be named 32261.txt or 32261.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/2/2/6/32261/ + +Produced by Marius Masi, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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