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diff --git a/old/orig3189-h/p7.htm b/old/orig3189-h/p7.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..10cecb8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/orig3189-h/p7.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1786 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>SKETCHES NEW AND OLD, Part 7</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {background:#faebd7; margin:10%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97% } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc { margin-left: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + // --> +</style> + + +</head> +<body> + + +<center> +<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3> +<tr><td> + <a href="p6.htm">Previous Part</a> +</td><td> + <a href="3189-h.htm">Main Index</a> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<h1>SKETCHES NEW AND OLD +</h1></center> + +<center><h3>by Mark Twain</h3></center> +<br><br> + +<center><h3>Part 7.</h3></center> + +<br><br> + + + +<center><img alt="bookcover.jpg (224K)" src="images/bookcover.jpg" height="715" width="650"></center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<center><img alt="frontpiece.jpg (134K)" src="images/frontpiece.jpg" height="790" width="650"></center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<center><img alt="titlepage.jpg (38K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" height="850" width="650"></center> +<br><br><br><br> + + + +<h2>CONTENTS:</h2> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<a href="#ward">FIRST INTERVIEW WITH ARTEMUS WARD</a><br><br> +<a href="#cannibalism">CANNIBALISM IN THE CARS</a><br><br> +<a href="#caesar">THE KILLING OF JULIUS CAESAR "LOCALIZED"</a><br><br> +<a href="#widow">THE WIDOW'S PROTEST</a><br><br> +<a href="#panoramist">THE SCRIPTURAL PANORAMIST</a><br><br> +<a href="#cold">CURING A COLD</a><br><br> +<a href="#excursion">A CURIOUS PLEASURE EXCURSION</a><br><br> +<a href="#governor">RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR</a><br><br> +<a href="#mysterious">A MYSTERIOUS VISIT</a><br><br> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + + +<br><br><br><br> + + + + + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="ward"></a>FIRST INTERVIEW WITH ARTEMUS WARD +</h2></center> +<center><h3>[Written about 1870.] +</h3></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p283.jpg (107K)" src="images/p283.jpg" height="647" width="650"> +</center><br><br><br><br> + +<p>I had never seen him before. He brought letters of introduction from +mutual friends in San Francisco, and by invitation I breakfasted with +him. It was almost religion, there in the silver-mines, to precede such +a meal with whisky cocktails. Artemus, with the true cosmopolitan +instinct, always deferred to the customs of the country he was in, and so +he ordered three of those abominations. Hingston was present. I said I +would rather not drink a whisky cocktail. I said it would go right to my +head, and confuse me so that I would be in a helpless tangle in ten +minutes. I did not want to act like a lunatic before strangers. But +Artemus gently insisted, and I drank the treasonable mixture under +protest, and felt all the time that I was doing a thing I might be sorry +for. In a minute or two I began to imagine that my ideas were clouded. +I waited in great anxiety for the conversation to open, with a sort of +vague hope that my understanding would prove clear, after all, and my +misgivings groundless.</p> + +<p>Artemus dropped an unimportant remark or two, and then assumed a look of +superhuman earnestness, and made the following astounding speech. He +said:</p> + +<p>"Now there is one thing I ought to ask you about before I forget it. You +have been here in Silver land—here in Nevada—two or three years, and, +of course, your position on the daily press has made it necessary for you +to go down in the mines and examine them carefully in detail, and +therefore you know all about the silver-mining business. Now what I want +to get at is—is, well, the way the deposits of ore are made, you know. +For instance. Now, as I understand it, the vein which contains the +silver is sandwiched in between casings of granite, and runs along the +ground, and sticks up like a curb stone. Well, take a vein forty feet +thick, for example, or eighty, for that matter, or even a hundred—say +you go down on it with a shaft, straight down, you know, or with what you +call 'incline' maybe you go down five hundred feet, or maybe you don't go +down but two hundred—anyway, you go down, and all the time this vein +grows narrower, when the casings come nearer or approach each other, you +may say—that is, when they do approach, which, of course, they do not +always do, particularly in cases where the nature of the formation is +such that they stand apart wider than they otherwise would, and which +geology has failed to account for, although everything in that science +goes to prove that, all things being equal, it would if it did not, or +would not certainly if it did, and then, of course, they are. Do not you +think it is?"</p> + +<p>I said to myself:</p> + +<p>"Now I just knew how it would be—that whisky cocktail has done the +business for me; I don't understand any more than a clam."</p> + +<p>And then I said aloud:</p> + +<p>"I—I—that is—if you don't mind, would you—would you say that over +again? I ought—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, certainly, certainly! You see I am very unfamiliar with the +subject, and perhaps I don't present my case clearly, but I—"</p> + +<p>"No, no-no, no-you state it plain enough, but that cocktail has muddled +me a little. But I will—no, I do understand for that matter; but I would +get the hang of it all the better if you went over it again—and I'll pay +better attention this time."</p> + +<p>He said, "Why, what I was after was this."</p> + +<p>[Here he became even more fearfully impressive than ever, and emphasized +each particular point by checking it off on his finger-ends.]</p> + +<p>"This vein, or lode, or ledge, or whatever you call it, runs along +between two layers of granite, just the same as if it were a sandwich. +Very well. Now suppose you go down on that, say a thousand feet, or +maybe twelve hundred (it don't really matter) before you drift, and then +you start your drifts, some of them across the ledge, and others along +the length of it, where the sulphurets—I believe they call them +sulphurets, though why they should, considering that, so far as I can +see, the main dependence of a miner does not so lie, as some suppose, but +in which it cannot be successfully maintained, wherein the same should +not continue, while part and parcel of the same ore not committed to +either in the sense referred to, whereas, under different circumstances, +the most inexperienced among us could not detect it if it were, or might +overlook it if it did, or scorn the very idea of such a thing, even +though it were palpably demonstrated as such. Am I not right?"</p> + +<p>I said, sorrowfully: "I feel ashamed of myself, Mr. Ward. I know I +ought to understand you perfectly well, but you see that treacherous +whisky cocktail has got into my head, and now I cannot understand even +the simplest proposition. I told you how it would be."</p> + +<p>"Oh, don't mind it, don't mind it; the fault was my own, no doubt—though +I did think it clear enough for—"</p> + +<p>"Don't say a word. Clear! Why, you stated it as clear as the sun to +anybody but an abject idiot; but it's that confounded cocktail that has +played the mischief."</p> + +<p>"No; now don't say that. I'll begin it all over again, and—"</p> + +<p>"Don't now—for goodness' sake, don't do anything of the kind, because I +tell you my head is in such a condition that I don't believe I could +understand the most trifling question a man could ask me.</p> + +<p>"Now don't you be afraid. I'll put it so plain this time that you can't +help but get the hang of it. We will begin at the very beginning." +[Leaning far across the table, with determined impressiveness wrought +upon his every feature, and fingers prepared to keep tally of each point +enumerated; and I, leaning forward with painful interest, resolved to +comprehend or perish.] "You know the vein, the ledge, the thing that +contains the metal, whereby it constitutes the medium between all other +forces, whether of present or remote agencies, so brought to bear in +favor of the former against the latter, or the latter against the former +or all, or both, or compromising the relative differences existing within +the radius whence culminate the several degrees of similarity to which—"</p> + +<p>I said: "Oh, hang my wooden head, it ain't any use!—it ain't any use to +try—I can't understand anything. The plainer you get it the more I +can't get the hang of it."</p> + +<p>I heard a suspicious noise behind me, and turned in time to see Hingston +dodging behind a newspaper, and quaking with a gentle ecstasy of +laughter. I looked at Ward again, and he had thrown off his dread +solemnity and was laughing also. Then I saw that I had been sold—that I +had been made a victim of a swindle in the way of a string of plausibly +worded sentences that didn't mean anything under the sun. Artemus Ward +was one of the best fellows in the world, and one of the most +companionable. It has been said that he was not fluent in conversation, +but, with the above experience in my mind, I differ.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="cannibalism"></a>CANNIBALISM IN THE CARS +</h2></center> +<center><h3>[Written about 1867.] +</h3></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p287.jpg (128K)" src="images/p287.jpg" height="848" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>I visited St. Louis lately, and on my way West, after changing cars at +Terre Haute, Indiana, a mild, benevolent-looking gentleman of about +forty-five, or maybe fifty, came in at one of the way-stations and sat +down beside me. We talked together pleasantly on various subjects for an +hour, perhaps, and I found him exceedingly intelligent and entertaining. +When he learned that I was from Washington, he immediately began to ask +questions about various public men, and about Congressional affairs; and +I saw very shortly that I was conversing with a man who was perfectly +familiar with the ins and outs of political life at the Capital, even to +the ways and manners, and customs of procedure of Senators and +Representatives in the Chambers of the national Legislature. Presently +two men halted near us for a single moment, and one said to the other:</p> + +<p>"Harris, if you'll do that for me, I'll never forget you, my boy."</p> + +<p>My new comrade's eye lighted pleasantly. The words had touched upon a +happy memory, I thought. Then his face settled into +thoughtfulness—almost into gloom. He turned to me and said,</p> + +<p>"Let me tell you a story; let me give you a secret chapter of my +life—a chapter that has never been referred to by me since its events +transpired. Listen patiently, and promise that you will not interrupt +me."</p> + +<p>I said I would not, and he related the following strange adventure, +speaking sometimes with animation, sometimes with melancholy, but always +with feeling and earnestness.</p> + +<br> +<center> <h3>THE STRANGER'S NARRATIVE</h3> +</center> + +<p>"On the 19th of December, 1853, I started from St. Louis on the evening +train bound for Chicago. There were only twenty-four passengers, all +told. There were no ladies and no children. We were in excellent +spirits, and pleasant acquaintanceships were soon formed. The journey +bade fair to be a happy one; and no individual in the party, I think, had +even the vaguest presentiment of the horrors we were soon to undergo.</p> + +<p>"At 11 P.M. it began to snow hard. Shortly after leaving the small +village of Welden, we entered upon that tremendous prairie solitude that +stretches its leagues on leagues of houseless dreariness far away toward +the Jubilee Settlements. The winds, unobstructed by trees or hills, or +even vagrant rocks, whistled fiercely across the level desert, driving +the falling snow before it like spray from the crested waves of a stormy +sea. The snow was deepening fast; and we knew, by the diminished speed +of the train, that the engine was plowing through it with steadily +increasing difficulty. Indeed, it almost came to a dead halt sometimes, +in the midst of great drifts that piled themselves like colossal graves +across the track. Conversation began to flag. Cheerfulness gave place +to grave concern. The possibility of being imprisoned in the snow, on +the bleak prairie, fifty miles from any house, presented itself to every +mind, and extended its depressing influence over every spirit.</p> + +<p>"At two o'clock in the morning I was aroused out of an uneasy slumber by +the ceasing of all motion about me. The appalling truth flashed upon me +instantly—we were captives in a snow-drift! 'All hands to the rescue!' +Every man sprang to obey. Out into the wild night, the pitchy darkness, +the billowy snow, the driving storm, every soul leaped, with the +consciousness that a moment lost now might bring destruction to us all. +Shovels, hands, boards—anything, everything that could displace snow, +was brought into instant requisition. It was a weird picture, that small +company of frantic men fighting the banking snows, half in the blackest +shadow and half in the angry light of the locomotive's reflector.</p> + +<p>"One short hour sufficed to prove the utter uselessness of our efforts. +The storm barricaded the track with a dozen drifts while we dug one away. +And worse than this, it was discovered that the last grand charge the +engine had made upon the enemy had broken the fore-and-aft shaft of the +driving-wheel! With a free track before us we should still have been +helpless. We entered the car wearied with labor, and very sorrowful. +We gathered about the stoves, and gravely canvassed our situation. We +had no provisions whatever—in this lay our chief distress. We could not +freeze, for there was a good supply of wood in the tender. This was our +only comfort. The discussion ended at last in accepting the +disheartening decision of the conductor, viz., that it would be death for +any man to attempt to travel fifty miles on foot through snow like that. +We could not send for help, and even if we could it would not come. We +must submit, and await, as patiently as we might, succor or starvation! +I think the stoutest heart there felt a momentary chill when those words +were uttered.</p> + +<p>"Within the hour conversation subsided to a low murmur here and there +about the car, caught fitfully between the rising and falling of the +blast; the lamps grew dim; and the majority of the castaways settled +themselves among the flickering shadows to think—to forget the present, +if they could—to sleep, if they might.</p> + +<p>"The eternal night—it surely seemed eternal to us—wore its lagging hours +away at last, and the cold gray dawn broke in the east. As the light +grew stronger the passengers began to stir and give signs of life, one +after another, and each in turn pushed his slouched hat up from his +forehead, stretched his stiffened limbs, and glanced out of the windows +upon the cheerless prospect. It was cheer less, indeed!—not a living +thing visible anywhere, not a human habitation; nothing but a vast white +desert; uplifted sheets of snow drifting hither and thither before the +wind—a world of eddying flakes shutting out the firmament above.</p> + +<p>"All day we moped about the cars, saying little, thinking much. Another +lingering dreary night—and hunger.</p> + +<p>"Another dawning—another day of silence, sadness, wasting hunger, +hopeless watching for succor that could not come. A night of restless +slumber, filled with dreams of feasting—wakings distressed with the +gnawings of hunger.</p> + +<p>"The fourth day came and went—and the fifth! Five days of dreadful +imprisonment! A savage hunger looked out at every eye. There was in it +a sign of awful import—the foreshadowing of a something that was vaguely +shaping itself in every heart—a something which no tongue dared yet to +frame into words.</p> + +<p>"The sixth day passed—the seventh dawned upon as gaunt and haggard and +hopeless a company of men as ever stood in the shadow of death. It must +out now! That thing which had been growing up in every heart was ready +to leap from every lip at last! Nature had been taxed to the utmost—she +must yield. RICHARD H. GASTON of Minnesota, tall, cadaverous, and pale, +rose up. All knew what was coming. All prepared—every emotion, every +semblance of excitement—was smothered—only a calm, thoughtful +seriousness appeared in the eyes that were lately so wild.</p> + +<p>"'Gentlemen: It cannot be delayed longer! The time is at hand! We must +determine which of us shall die to furnish food for the rest!'</p> + +<p>"MR. JOHN J. WILLIAMS of Illinois rose and said: 'Gentlemen—I nominate +the Rev. James Sawyer of Tennessee.'</p> + +<p>"MR. Wm. R. ADAMS of Indiana said: 'I nominate Mr. Daniel Slote of New +York.'</p> + +<p>"MR. CHARLES J. LANGDON: 'I nominate Mr. Samuel A. Bowen of St. Louis.'</p> + +<p>"MR. SLOTE: 'Gentlemen—I desire to decline in favor of Mr. John A. Van +Nostrand, Jun., of New Jersey.'</p> + +<p>"MR. GASTON: 'If there be no objection, the gentleman's desire will be +acceded to.'</p> + +<p>"MR. VAN NOSTRAND objecting, the resignation of Mr. Slote was rejected. +The resignations of Messrs. Sawyer and Bowen were also offered, and +refused upon the same grounds.</p> + +<p>"MR. A. L. BASCOM of Ohio: 'I move that the nominations now close, and +that the House proceed to an election by ballot.'</p> + +<p>"MR. SAWYER: 'Gentlemen—I protest earnestly against these proceedings. +They are, in every way, irregular and unbecoming. I must beg to move +that they be dropped at once, and that we elect a chairman of the meeting +and proper officers to assist him, and then we can go on with the +business before us understandingly.'</p> + +<p>"MR. BELL of Iowa: 'Gentlemen—I object. This is no time to stand upon +forms and ceremonious observances. For more than seven days we have been +without food. Every moment we lose in idle discussion increases our +distress. I am satisfied with the nominations that have been made—every +gentleman present is, I believe—and I, for one, do not see why we should +not proceed at once to elect one or more of them. I wish to offer a +resolution—'</p> + +<p>"MR. GASTON: 'It would be objected to, and have to lie over one day under +the rules, thus bringing about the very delay you wish to avoid. The +gentleman from New Jersey—'</p> + +<p>"MR. VAN NOSTRAND: 'Gentlemen—I am a stranger among you; I have not +sought the distinction that has been conferred upon me, and I feel a +delicacy—'</p> + +<p>"MR. MORGAN Of Alabama (interrupting): 'I move the previous question.'</p> + +<p>"The motion was carried, and further debate shut off, of course. The +motion to elect officers was passed, and under it Mr. Gaston was chosen +chairman, Mr. Blake, secretary, Messrs. Holcomb, Dyer, and Baldwin a +committee on nominations, and Mr. R. M. Howland, purveyor, to assist the +committee in making selections.</p> + +<p>"A recess of half an hour was then taken, and some little caucusing +followed. At the sound of the gavel the meeting reassembled, and the +committee reported in favor of Messrs. George Ferguson of Kentucky, +Lucien Herrman of Louisiana, and W. Messick of Colorado as candidates. +The report was accepted.</p> + +<p>"MR. ROGERS of Missouri: 'Mr. President—The report being properly before +the House now, I move to amend it by substituting for the name of Mr. +Herrman that of Mr. Lucius Harris of St. Louis, who is well and +honorably known to us all. I do not wish to be understood as casting the +least reflection upon the high character and standing of the gentleman +from Louisiana—far from it. I respect and esteem him as much as any +gentleman here present possibly can; but none of us can be blind to the +fact that he has lost more flesh during the week that we have lain here +than any among us—none of us can be blind to the fact that the committee +has been derelict in its duty, either through negligence or a graver +fault, in thus offering for our suffrages a gentleman who, however pure +his own motives may be, has really less nutriment in him—'</p> + +<p>"THE CHAIR: 'The gentleman from Missouri will take his seat. The Chair +cannot allow the integrity of the committee to be questioned save by the +regular course, under the rules. What action will the House take upon +the gentleman's motion?'</p> + +<p>"MR. HALLIDAY of Virginia: 'I move to further amend the report by +substituting Mr. Harvey Davis of Oregon for Mr. Messick. It may be urged +by gentlemen that the hardships and privations of a frontier life have +rendered Mr. Davis tough; but, gentlemen, is this a time to cavil at +toughness? Is this a time to be fastidious concerning trifles? Is this +a time to dispute about matters of paltry significance? No, gentlemen, +bulk is what we desire—substance, weight, bulk—these are the supreme +requisites now—not talent, not genius, not education. I insist upon my +motion.'</p> + +<p>"MR. MORGAN (excitedly): 'Mr. Chairman—I do most strenuously object to +this amendment. The gentleman from Oregon is old, and furthermore is +bulky only in bone—not in flesh. I ask the gentleman from Virginia if +it is soup we want instead of solid sustenance? if he would delude us +with shadows? if he would mock our suffering with an Oregonian specter? +I ask him if he can look upon the anxious faces around him, if he can +gaze into our sad eyes, if he can listen to the beating of our expectant +hearts, and still thrust this famine-stricken fraud upon us? I ask him +if he can think of our desolate state, of our past sorrows, of our dark +future, and still unpityingly foist upon us this wreck, this ruin, this +tottering swindle, this gnarled and blighted and sapless vagabond from +Oregon's inhospitable shores? Never!' [Applause.]</p> + +<p>"The amendment was put to vote, after a fiery debate, and lost. Mr. +Harris was substituted on the first amendment. The balloting then began. +Five ballots were held without a choice. On the sixth, Mr. Harris was +elected, all voting for him but himself. It was then moved that his +election should be ratified by acclamation, which was lost, in +consequence of his again voting against himself.</p> + +<p>"MR. RADWAY moved that the House now take up the remaining candidates, +and go into an election for breakfast. This was carried.</p> + +<p>"On the first ballot there was a tie, half the members favoring one +candidate on account of his youth, and half favoring the other on account +of his superior size. The President gave the casting vote for the +latter, Mr. Messick. This decision created considerable dissatisfaction +among the friends of Mr. Ferguson, the defeated candidate, and there was +some talk of demanding a new ballot; but in the midst of it a motion to +adjourn was carried, and the meeting broke up at once.</p> + +<p>"The preparations for supper diverted the attention of the Ferguson +faction from the discussion of their grievance for a long time, and then, +when they would have taken it up again, the happy announcement that Mr. +Harris was ready drove all thought of it to the winds.</p> + +<p>"We improvised tables by propping up the backs of car-seats, and sat down +with hearts full of gratitude to the finest supper that had blessed our +vision for seven torturing days. How changed we were from what we had +been a few short hours before! Hopeless, sad-eyed misery, hunger, +feverish anxiety, desperation, then; thankfulness, serenity, joy too deep +for utterance now. That I know was the cheeriest hour of my eventful +life. The winds howled, and blew the snow wildly about our prison house, +but they were powerless to distress us any more. I liked Harris. He +might have been better done, perhaps, but I am free to say that no man +ever agreed with me better than Harris, or afforded me so large a degree +of satisfaction. Messick was very well, though rather high-flavored, +but for genuine nutritiousness and delicacy of fiber, give me Harris. +Messick had his good points—I will not attempt to deny it, nor do I wish +to do it—but he was no more fitted for breakfast than a mummy would be, +sir—not a bit. Lean?—why, bless me!—and tough? Ah, he was very +tough! You could not imagine it—you could never imagine anything like +it."</p> + +<p>"Do you mean to tell me that—"</p> + +<p>"Do not interrupt me, please. After breakfast we elected a man by the +name of Walker, from Detroit, for supper. He was very good. I wrote his +wife so afterward. He was worthy of all praise. I shall always remember +Walker. He was a little rare, but very good. And then the next morning +we had Morgan of Alabama for breakfast. He was one of the finest men I +ever sat down to—handsome, educated, refined, spoke several languages +fluently—a perfect gentleman—he was a perfect gentleman, and singularly +juicy. For supper we had that Oregon patriarch, and he was a fraud, +there is no question about it—old, scraggy, tough, nobody can picture +the reality. I finally said, gentlemen, you can do as you like, but I +will wait for another election. And Grimes of Illinois said, 'Gentlemen, +I will wait also. When you elect a man that has something to recommend +him, I shall be glad to join you again.' It soon became evident that +there was general dissatisfaction with Davis of Oregon, and so, to +preserve the good will that had prevailed so pleasantly since we had had +Harris, an election was called, and the result of it was that Baker of +Georgia was chosen. He was splendid! Well, well—after that we had +Doolittle, and Hawkins, and McElroy (there was some complaint about +McElroy, because he was uncommonly short and thin), and Penrod, and two +Smiths, and Bailey (Bailey had a wooden leg, which was clear loss, but he +was otherwise good), and an Indian boy, and an organ-grinder, and a +gentleman by the name of Buckminster—a poor stick of a vagabond that +wasn't any good for company and no account for breakfast. We were glad +we got him elected before relief came."</p> + +<p>"And so the blessed relief did come at last?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, it came one bright, sunny morning, just after election. John +Murphy was the choice, and there never was a better, I am willing to +testify; but John Murphy came home with us, in the train that came to +succor us, and lived to marry the widow Harris—"</p> + +<p>"Relict of—"</p> + +<p>"Relict of our first choice. He married her, and is happy and respected +and prosperous yet. Ah, it was like a novel, sir—it was like a romance. +This is my stopping-place, sir; I must bid you goodby. Any time that you +can make it convenient to tarry a day or two with me, I shall be glad to +have you. I like you, sir; I have conceived an affection for you. +I could like you as well as I liked Harris himself, sir. Good day, sir, +and a pleasant journey."</p> + +<p>He was gone. I never felt so stunned, so distressed, so bewildered in my +life. But in my soul I was glad he was gone. With all his gentleness of +manner and his soft voice, I shuddered whenever he turned his hungry eye +upon me; and when I heard that I had achieved his perilous affection, and +that I stood almost with the late Harris in his esteem, my heart fairly +stood still!</p> + +<p>I was bewildered beyond description. I did not doubt his word; I could +not question a single item in a statement so stamped with the earnestness +of truth as his; but its dreadful details overpowered me, and threw my +thoughts into hopeless confusion. I saw the conductor looking at me. +I said, "Who is that man?"</p> + +<p>"He was a member of Congress once, and a good one. But he got caught in +a snow-drift in the cars, and like to have been starved to death. He got +so frost-bitten and frozen up generally, and used up for want of +something to eat, that he was sick and out of his head two or three +months afterward. He is all right now, only he is a monomaniac, and when +he gets on that old subject he never stops till he has eat up that whole +car-load of people he talks about. He would have finished the crowd by +this time, only he had to get out here. He has got their names as pat as +A B C. When he gets them all eat up but himself, he always says: 'Then +the hour for the usual election for breakfast having arrived, and there +being no opposition, I was duly elected, after which, there being no +objections offered, I resigned. Thus I am here.'"</p> + +<p>I felt inexpressibly relieved to know that I had only been listening to +the harmless vagaries of a madman instead of the genuine experiences of a +bloodthirsty cannibal.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="caesar"></a>THE KILLING OF JULIUS CAESAR "LOCALIZED" +</h2></center> +<center><h3>[Written about 1865.] +</h3></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p162.jpg (129K)" src="images/p162.jpg" height="884" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>Being the only true and reliable account ever published; taken from the +Roman "Daily Evening Fasces," of the date of that tremendous occurrence.</p> + +<p>Nothing in the world affords a newspaper reporter so much satisfaction as +gathering up the details of a bloody and mysterious murder and writing +them up with aggravating circumstantiality. He takes a living delight in +this labor of love—for such it is to him, especially if he knows that +all the other papers have gone to press, and his will be the only one +that will contain the dreadful intelligence. A feeling of regret has +often come over me that I was not reporting in Rome when Caesar was +killed—reporting on an evening paper, and the only one in the city, and +getting at least twelve hours ahead of the morning-paper boys with this +most magnificent "item" that ever fell to the lot of the craft. Other +events have happened as startling as this, but none that possessed so +peculiarly all the characteristics of the favorite "item" of the present +day, magnified into grandeur and sublimity by the high rank, fame, and +social and political standing of the actors in it.</p> + +<p>However, as I was not permitted to report Caesar's assassination in the +regular way, it has at least afforded me rare satisfaction to translate +the following able account of it from the original Latin of the Roman +Daily Evening Fasces of that date—second edition:</p> + +<blockquote> +<br> +Our usually quiet city of Rome was thrown into a state of wild excitement +yesterday by the occurrence of one of those bloody affrays which sicken +the heart and fill the soul with fear, while they inspire all thinking +men with forebodings for the future of a city where human life is held so +cheaply and the gravest laws are so openly set at defiance. As the +result of that affray, it is our painful duty, as public journalists, to +record the death of one of our most esteemed citizens—a man whose name +is known wherever this paper circulates, and whose fame it has been our +pleasure and our privilege to extend, and also to protect from the tongue +of slander and falsehood, to the best of our poor ability. We refer to +Mr. J. Caesar, the Emperor-elect. + +<br><br>The facts of the case, as nearly as our reporter could determine them +from the conflicting statements of eye-witnesses, were about as +follows:—The affair was an election row, of course. Nine-tenths of the ghastly +butcheries that disgrace the city nowadays grow out of the bickerings and +jealousies and animosities engendered by these accursed elections. Rome +would be the gainer by it if her very constables were elected to serve a +century; for in our experience we have never even been able to choose a +dog-pelter without celebrating the event with a dozen knockdowns and a +general cramming of the station-house with drunken vagabonds overnight. +It is said that when the immense majority for Caesar at the polls in the +market was declared the other day, and the crown was offered to that +gentleman, even his amazing unselfishness in refusing it three times was +not sufficient to save him from the whispered insults of such men as +Casca, of the Tenth Ward, and other hirelings of the disappointed +candidate, hailing mostly from the Eleventh and Thirteenth and other +outside districts, who were overheard speaking ironically and +contemptuously of Mr. Caesar's conduct upon that occasion. + +<br><br>We are further informed that there are many among us who think they are +justified in believing that the assassination of Julius Caesar was a +put-up thing—a cut-and-dried arrangement, hatched by Marcus Brutus and a lot +of his hired roughs, and carried out only too faithfully according to the +program. Whether there be good grounds for this suspicion or not, we +leave to the people to judge for themselves, only asking that they will +read the following account of the sad occurrence carefully and +dispassionately before they render that judgment. + +<br><br>The Senate was already in session, and Caesar was coming down the street +toward the capitol, conversing with some personal friends, and followed, +as usual, by a large number of citizens. Just as he was passing in front +of Demosthenes and Thucydides' drug store, he was observing casually to a +gentleman, who, our informant thinks, is a fortune-teller, that the Ides +of March were come. The reply was, "Yes, they are come, but not gone +yet." At this moment Artexnidorus stepped up and passed the time of day, +and asked Caesar to read a schedule or a tract or something of the kind, +which he had brought for his perusal. Mr. Decius Brutus also said +something about an "humble suit" which he wanted read. Artexnidorus +begged that attention might be paid to his first, because it was of +personal consequence to Caesar. The latter replied that what concerned +himself should be read last, or words to that effect. Artemidorus begged +and beseeched him to read the paper instantly!—[Mark that: It is hinted +by William Shakespeare, who saw the beginning and the end of the +unfortunate affray, that this "schedule" was simply a note discovering to +Caesar that a plot was brewing to take his life.]—However, Caesar +shook him off, and refused to read any petition in the street. He then +entered the capitol, and the crowd followed him. + +<br><br>About this time the following conversation was overheard, and we consider +that, taken in connection with the events which succeeded it, it bears an +appalling significance: Mr. Papilius Lena remarked to George W. Cassius +(commonly known as the "Nobby Boy of the Third Ward"), a bruiser in the +pay of the Opposition, that he hoped his enterprise to-day might thrive; +and when Cassius asked "What enterprise?" he only closed his left eye +temporarily and said with simulated indifference, "Fare you well," and +sauntered toward Caesar. Marcus Brutus, who is suspected of being the +ringleader of the band that killed Caesar, asked what it was that Lena +had said. Cassius told him, and added in a low tone, "I fear our purpose +is discovered." + +<br><br>Brutus told his wretched accomplice to keep an eye on Lena, and a moment +after Cassius urged that lean and hungry vagrant, Casca, whose reputation +here is none of the best, to be sudden, for he feared prevention. He +then turned to Brutus, apparently much excited, and asked what should be +done, and swore that either he or Caesar would never turn back—he would +kill himself first. At this time Caesar was talking to some of the +back-country members about the approaching fall elections, and paying little +attention to what was going on around him. Billy Trebonius got into +conversation with the people's friend and Caesar's—Mark Antony—and +under some pretense or other got him away, and Brutus, Decius, Casca, +Cinna, Metellus Cimber, and others of the gang of infamous desperadoes +that infest Rome at present, closed around the doomed Caesar. Then +Metellus Cimber knelt down and begged that his brother might be recalled +from banishment, but Caesar rebuked him for his fawning conduct, and +refused to grant his petition. Immediately, at Cimber's request, first +Brutus and then Cassias begged for the return of the banished Publius; +but Caesar still refused. He said he could not be moved; that he was as +fixed as the North Star, and proceeded to speak in the most complimentary +terms of the firmness of that star and its steady character. Then he +said he was like it, and he believed he was the only man in the country +that was; therefore, since he was "constant" that Cimber should be +banished, he was also "constant" that he should stay banished, and he'd +be hanged if he didn't keep him so! + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p164.jpg (79K)" src="images/p164.jpg" height="589" width="631"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<br><br>Instantly seizing upon this shallow pretext for a fight, Casca sprang at +Caesar and struck him with a dirk, Caesar grabbing him by the arm with +his right hand, and launching a blow straight from the shoulder with his +left, that sent the reptile bleeding to the earth. He then backed up +against Pompey's statue, and squared himself to receive his assailants. +Cassias and Cimber and Cinna rushed upon him with their daggers drawn, +and the former succeeded in inflicting a wound upon his body; but before +he could strike again, and before either of the others could strike at +all, Caesar stretched the three miscreants at his feet with as many blows +of his powerful fist. By this time the Senate was in an indescribable +uproar; the throng of citizens in the lobbies had blockaded the doors in +their frantic efforts to escape from the building, the sergeant-at-arms +and his assistants were struggling with the assassins, venerable senators +had cast aside their encumbering robes, and were leaping over benches and +flying down the aisles in wild confusion toward the shelter of the +committee-rooms, and a thousand voices were shouting "Po-lice! Po-lice!" +in discordant tones that rose above the frightful din like shrieking +winds above the roaring of a tempest. And amid it all great Caesar stood +with his back against the statue, like a lion at bay, and fought his +assailants weaponless and hand to hand, with the defiant bearing and the +unwavering courage which he had shown before on many a bloody field. +Billy Trebonius and Caius Legarius struck him with their daggers and +fell, as their brother-conspirators before them had fallen. But at last, +when Caesar saw his old friend Brutus step forward armed with a murderous +knife, it is said he seemed utterly overpowered with grief and amazement, +and, dropping his invincible left arm by his side, he hid his face in the +folds of his mantle and received the treacherous blow without an effort +to stay the hand that gave it. He only said, "Et tu, Brute?" and fell +lifeless on the marble pavement. + +<br><br>We learn that the coat deceased had on when he was killed was the same +one he wore in his tent on the afternoon of the day he overcame the +Nervii, and that when it was removed from the corpse it was found to be +cut and gashed in no less than seven different places. There was nothing +in the pockets. It will be exhibited at the coroner's inquest, and will +be damning proof of the fact of the killing. These latter facts may be +relied on, as we get them from Mark Antony, whose position enables him to +learn every item of news connected with the one subject of absorbing +interest of-to-day. + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p165.jpg (35K)" src="images/p165.jpg" height="269" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<br><br>LATER:—While the coroner was summoning a jury, Mark Antony and other +friends of the late Caesar got hold of the body, and lugged it off to the +Forum, and at last accounts Antony and Brutus were making speeches over +it and raising such a row among the people that, as we go to press, the +chief of police is satisfied there is going to be a riot, and is taking +measures accordingly. +</blockquote> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="widow"></a>THE WIDOW'S PROTEST +</h2></center> +<br> + + +<p>One of the saddest things that ever came under my notice (said the +banker's clerk) was there in Corning during the war. Dan Murphy enlisted +as a private, and fought very bravely. The boys all liked him, and when +a wound by and by weakened him down till carrying a musket was too heavy +work for him, they clubbed together and fixed him up as a sutler. He +made money then, and sent it always to his wife to bank for him. She was +a washer and ironer, and knew enough by hard experience to keep money +when she got it. She didn't waste a penny.</p> + +<p>On the contrary, she began to get miserly as her bank-account grew. She +grieved to part with a cent, poor creature, for twice in her hard-working +life she had known what it was to be hungry, cold, friendless, sick, and +without a dollar in the world, and she had a haunting dread of suffering +so again. Well, at last Dan died; and the boys, in testimony of their +esteem and respect for him, telegraphed to Mrs. Murphy to know if she +would like to have him embalmed and sent home, when you know the usual +custom was to dump a poor devil like him into a shallow hole, and then +inform his friends what had become of him. Mrs. Murphy jumped to the +conclusion that it would only cost two or three dollars to embalm her +dead husband, and so she telegraphed "Yes." It was at the "wake" that +the bill for embalming arrived and was presented to the widow.</p> + +<p>She uttered a wild, sad wail that pierced every heart, and said, +"Sivinty-foive dollars for stooffin' Dan, blister their sowls! Did thim +divils suppose I was goin' to stairt a Museim, that I'd be dalin' in such +expinsive curiassities!"</p> + +<p>The banker's clerk said there was not a dry eye in the house.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="panoramist"></a>THE SCRIPTURAL PANORAMIST +</h2></center> +<center><h3>[Written about 1866.] +</h3></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p296.jpg (109K)" src="images/p296.jpg" height="893" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>"There was a fellow traveling around in that country," said Mr. +Nickerson, "with a moral-religious show—a sort of scriptural +panorama—and he hired a wooden-headed old slab to play the piano for him. After +the first night's performance the showman says:</p> + +<p>"'My friend, you seem to know pretty much all the tunes there are, and +you worry along first rate. But then, didn't you notice that sometimes +last night the piece you happened to be playing was a little rough on the +proprieties, so to speak—didn't seem to jibe with the general gait of +the picture that was passing at the time, as it were—was a little +foreign to the subject, you know—as if you didn't either trump or follow +suit, you understand?'</p> + +<p>"'Well, no,' the fellow said; 'he hadn't noticed, but it might be; he had +played along just as it came handy.'</p> + +<p>"So they put it up that the simple old dummy was to keep his eye on the +panorama after that, and as soon as a stunning picture was reeled out he +was to fit it to a dot with a piece of music that would help the audience +to get the idea of the subject, and warm them up like a camp-meeting +revival. That sort of thing would corral their sympathies, the showman +said.</p> + +<p>"There was a big audience that night—mostly middle-aged and old people +who belong to the church, and took a strong interest in Bible matters, +and the balance were pretty much young bucks and heifers—they always +come out strong on panoramas, you know, because it gives them a chance to +taste one another's complexions in the dark.</p> + +<p>"Well, the showman began to swell himself up for his lecture, and the old +mud-jobber tackled the piano and ran his fingers up and down once or +twice to see that she was all right, and the fellows behind the curtain +commenced to grind out the panorama. The showman balanced his weight on +his right foot, and propped his hands over his hips, and flung his eyes +over his shoulder at the scenery, and said:</p> + +<p>"'Ladies and gentlemen, the painting now before you illustrates the +beautiful and touching parable of the Prodigal Son. Observe the happy +expression just breaking over the features of the poor, suffering +youth—so worn and weary with his long march; note also the ecstasy beaming from +the uplifted countenance of the aged father, and the joy that sparkles in +the eyes of the excited group of youths and maidens, and seems ready to +burst into the welcoming chorus from their lips. The lesson, my friends, +is as solemn and instructive as the story is tender and beautiful.'</p> + +<p>"The mud-jobber was all ready, and when the second speech was finished, +struck up:</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + "Oh, we'll all get blind drunk<br> + When Johnny comes marching home! + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>"Some of the people giggled, and some groaned a little. The showman +couldn't say a word; he looked at the pianist sharp, but he was all +lovely and serene—he didn't know there was anything out of gear.</p> + +<p>"The panorama moved on, and the showman drummed up his grit and started +in fresh.</p> + +<p>"'Ladies and gentlemen, the fine picture now unfolding itself to your +gaze exhibits one of the most notable events in Bible history—our +Saviour and His disciples upon the Sea of Galilee. How grand, how +awe-inspiring are the reflections which the subject invokes! What sublimity +of faith is revealed to us in this lesson from the sacred writings! The +Saviour rebukes the angry waves, and walks securely upon the bosom of the +deep!'</p> + +<p>"All around the house they were whispering, 'Oh, how lovely, how +beautiful!' and the orchestra let himself out again:</p> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + "A life on the ocean wave,<br> + And a home on the rolling deep! + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>"There was a good deal of honest snickering turned on this time, and +considerable groaning, and one or two old deacons got up and went out. +The showman grated his teeth, and cursed the piano man to himself; but +the fellow sat there like a knot on a log, and seemed to think he was +doing first-rate.</p> + +<p>"After things got quiet the showman thought he would make one more +stagger at it, anyway, though his confidence was beginning to get mighty +shaky. The supes started the panorama grinding along again, and he says:</p> + +<p>"'Ladies and gentlemen, this exquisite painting represents the raising of +Lazarus from the dead by our Saviour. The subject has been handled with +marvelous skill by the artist, and such touching sweetness and tenderness +of expression has he thrown into it that I have known peculiarly +sensitive persons to be even affected to tears by looking at it. Observe +the half-confused, half-inquiring look upon the countenance of the +awakened Lazarus. Observe, also, the attitude and expression of the +Saviour, who takes him gently by the sleeve of his shroud with one hand, +while He points with the other toward the distant city.'</p> + +<p>"Before anybody could get off an opinion in the case the innocent old ass +at the piano struck up:</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + "Come rise up, William Ri-i-ley,<br> + And go along with me! + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p>"Whe-ew! All the solemn old flats got up in a huff to go, and everybody +else laughed till the windows rattled.</p> + +<p>"The showman went down and grabbed the orchestra and shook him up and +says:</p> + +<p>"'That lets you out, you know, you chowder-headed old clam. Go to the +doorkeeper and get your money, and cut your stick—vamose the ranch! +Ladies and gentlemen, circumstances over which I have no control compel +me prematurely to dismiss the house.'"</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="cold"></a>CURING A COLD +</h2></center> +<center><h3>[Written about 1864] +</h3></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p300.jpg (138K)" src="images/p300.jpg" height="877" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>It is a good thing, perhaps, to write for the amusement of the public, +but it is a far higher and nobler thing to write for their instruction, +their profit, their actual and tangible benefit. The latter is the sole +object of this article. If it prove the means of restoring to health one +solitary sufferer among my race, of lighting up once more the fire of +hope and joy in his faded eyes, of bringing back to his dead heart again +the quick, generous impulses of other days, I shall be amply rewarded for +my labor; my soul will be permeated with the sacred delight a Christian +feels when he has done a good, unselfish deed.</p> + +<p>Having led a pure and blameless life, I am justified in believing that no +man who knows me will reject the suggestions I am about to make, out of +fear that I am trying to deceive him. Let the public do itself the honor +to read my experience in doctoring a cold, as herein set forth, and then +follow in my footsteps.</p> + +<p>When the White House was burned in Virginia City, I lost my home, my +happiness, my constitution, and my trunk. The loss of the two first +named articles was a matter of no great consequence, since a home without +a mother, or a sister, or a distant young female relative in it, to +remind you, by putting your soiled linen out of sight and taking your +boots down off the mantelpiece, that there are those who think about you +and care for you, is easily obtained. And I cared nothing for the loss +of my happiness, because, not being a poet, it could not be possible that +melancholy would abide with me long. But to lose a good constitution and +a better trunk were serious misfortunes. On the day of the fire my +constitution succumbed to a severe cold, caused by undue exertion in +getting ready to do something. I suffered to no purpose, too, because +the plan I was figuring at for the extinguishing of the fire was so +elaborate that I never got it completed until the middle of the following +week.</p> + +<p>The first time I began to sneeze, a friend told me to go and bathe my +feet in hot water and go to bed. I did so. Shortly afterwards, another +friend advised me to get up and take a cold shower-bath. I did that +also. Within the hour, another friend assured me that it was policy to +"feed a cold and starve a fever." I had both. So I thought it best to +fill myself up for the cold, and then keep dark and let the fever starve +awhile.</p> + +<p>In a case of this kind, I seldom do things by halves; I ate pretty +heartily; I conferred my custom upon a stranger who had just opened his +restaurant that morning; he waited near me in respectful silence until I +had finished feeding my cold, when he inquired if the people about +Virginia City were much afflicted with colds? I told him I thought they +were. He then went out and took in his sign.</p> + +<p>I started down toward the office, and on the way encountered another +bosom friend, who told me that a quart of salt-water, taken warm, would +come as near curing a cold as anything in the world. I hardly thought I +had room for it, but I tried it anyhow. The result was surprising. I +believed I had thrown up my immortal soul.</p> + +<p>Now, as I am giving my experience only for the benefit of those who are +troubled with the distemper I am writing about, I feel that they will see +the propriety of my cautioning them against following such portions of it +as proved inefficient with me, and acting upon this conviction, I warn +them against warm salt-water. It may be a good enough remedy, but I +think it is too severe. If I had another cold in the head, and there +were no course left me but to take either an earthquake or a quart of +warm saltwater, I would take my chances on the earthquake.</p> + +<p>After the storm which had been raging in my stomach had subsided, and no +more good Samaritans happening along, I went on borrowing handkerchiefs +again and blowing them to atoms, as had been my custom in the early +stages of my cold, until I came across a lady who had just arrived from +over the plains, and who said she had lived in a part of the country +where doctors were scarce, and had from necessity acquired considerable +skill in the treatment of simple "family complaints." I knew she must +have had much experience, for she appeared to be a hundred and fifty +years old.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p302.jpg (32K)" src="images/p302.jpg" height="425" width="345"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>She mixed a decoction composed of molasses, aquafortis, turpentine, and +various other drugs, and instructed me to take a wine-glass full of it +every fifteen minutes. I never took but one dose; that was enough; it +robbed me of all moral principle, and awoke every unworthy impulse of my +nature. Under its malign influence my brain conceived miracles of +meanness, but my hands were too feeble to execute them; at that time, had +it not been that my strength had surrendered to a succession of assaults +from infallible remedies for my cold, I am satisfied that I would have +tried to rob the graveyard. Like most other people, I often feel mean, +and act accordingly; but until I took that medicine I had never reveled +in such supernatural depravity, and felt proud of it. At the end of two +days I was ready to go to doctoring again. I took a few more unfailing +remedies, and finally drove my cold from my head to my lungs.</p> + +<p>I got to coughing incessantly, and my voice fell below zero; I conversed +in a thundering bass, two octaves below my natural tone; I could only +compass my regular nightly repose by coughing myself down to a state of +utter exhaustion, and then the moment I began to talk in my sleep, my +discordant voice woke me up again.</p> + +<p>My case grew more and more serious every day. A plain gin was +recommended; I took it. Then gin and molasses; I took that also. Then +gin and onions; I added the onions, and took all three. I detected no +particular result, however, except that I had acquired a breath like a +buzzard's.</p> + +<p>I found I had to travel for my health. I went to Lake Bigler with my +reportorial comrade, Wilson. It is gratifying to me to reflect that we +traveled in considerable style; we went in the Pioneer coach, and my +friend took all his baggage with him, consisting of two excellent silk +handkerchiefs and a daguerreotype of his grandmother. We sailed and +hunted and fished and danced all day, and I doctored my cough all night. +By managing in this way, I made out to improve every hour in the +twenty-four. But my disease continued to grow worse.</p> + +<p>A sheet-bath was recommended. I had never refused a remedy yet, and it +seemed poor policy to commence then; therefore I determined to take a +sheet-bath, notwithstanding I had no idea what sort of arrangement it +was. It was administered at midnight, and the weather was very frosty. +My breast and back were bared, and a sheet (there appeared to be a +thousand yards of it) soaked in ice-water, was wound around me until I +resembled a swab for a Columbiad.</p> + +<p>It is a cruel expedient. When the chilly rag touches one's warm flesh, +it makes him start with sudden violence, and gasp for breath just as men +do in the death-agony. It froze the marrow in my bones and stopped the +beating of my heart. I thought my time had come.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p304.jpg (24K)" src="images/p304.jpg" height="431" width="349"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>Young Wilson said the circumstance reminded him of an anecdote about a +negro who was being baptized, and who slipped from the parson's grasp, +and came near being drowned. He floundered around, though, and finally +rose up out of the water considerably strangled and furiously angry, and +started ashore at once, spouting water like a whale, and remarking, with +great asperity, that "one o' dese days some gen'l'man's nigger gwyne to +get killed wid jis' such damn foolishness as dis!"</p> + +<p>Never take a sheet-bath—never. Next to meeting a lady acquaintance who, +for reasons best known to herself, don't see you when she looks at you, +and don't know you when she does see you, it is the most uncomfortable +thing in the world.</p> + +<p>But, as I was saying, when the sheet-bath failed to cure my cough, +a lady friend recommended the application of a mustard plaster to my +breast. I believe that would have cured me effectually, if it had not +been for young Wilson. When I went to bed, I put my mustard +plaster—which was a very gorgeous one, eighteen inches square—where I could +reach it when I was ready for it. But young Wilson got hungry in the +night, and—here is food for the imagination.</p> + +<p>After sojourning a week at Lake Bigler, I went to Steamboat Springs, and, +besides the steam-baths, I took a lot of the vilest medicines that were +ever concocted. They would have cured me, but I had to go back to +Virginia City, where, notwithstanding the variety of new remedies I +absorbed every day, I managed to aggravate my disease by carelessness and +undue exposure.</p> + +<p>I finally concluded to visit San Francisco, and the first day I got +there a lady at the hotel told me to drink a quart of whisky every +twenty-four hours, and a friend up-town recommended precisely the same +course. Each advised me to take a quart; that made half a gallon. I did +it, and still live.</p> + +<p>Now, with the kindest motives in the world, I offer for the consideration +of consumptive patients the variegated course of treatment I have lately +gone through. Let them try it; if it don't cure, it can't more than kill +them.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p305.jpg (24K)" src="images/p305.jpg" height="453" width="339"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="excursion"></a>A CURIOUS PLEASURE EXCURSION +</h2></center> +<center><h3>[Published at the time of the "Comet Scare" in the summer of 1874] +</h3></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p306.jpg (111K)" src="images/p306.jpg" height="889" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>[We have received the following advertisement, but, inasmuch as it +concerns a matter of deep and general interest, we feel fully justified +in inserting it in our reading-columns. We are confident that our +conduct in this regard needs only explanation, not apology.—Ed., N. Y. +Herald.]</p> + + +<center><h3>ADVERTISEMENT</h3></center> +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> +<br>This is to inform the public that in connection with Mr. Barnum I have +leased the comet for a term of years; and I desire also to solicit the +public patronage in favor of a beneficial enterprise which we have in +view. +<br> +<br>We propose to fit up comfortable, and even luxurious, accommodations in +the comet for as many persons as will honor us with their patronage, and +make an extended excursion among the heavenly bodies. We shall prepare +1,000,000 state-rooms in the tail of the comet (with hot and cold water, +gas, looking-glass, parachute, umbrella, etc., in each), and shall +construct more if we meet with a sufficiently generous encouragement. +We shall have billiard-rooms, card-rooms, music-rooms, bowling-alleys and +many spacious theaters and free libraries; and on the main deck we +propose to have a driving park, with upward of 100,000 miles of roadway +in it. We shall publish daily newspapers also. + +<br> +<br> + +<center> <h3>DEPARTURE OF THE COMET</h3> +</center> + +<p>The comet will leave New York at 10 P.M. on the 20th inst., and +therefore it will be desirable that the passengers be on board by eight +at the latest, to avoid confusion in getting under way. It is not known +whether passports will be necessary or not, but it is deemed best that +passengers provide them, and so guard against all contingencies. No dogs +will be allowed on board. This rule has been made in deference to the +existing state of feeling regarding these animals, and will be strictly +adhered to. The safety of the passengers will in all ways be jealously +looked to. A substantial iron railing will be put up all around the +comet, and no one will be allowed to go to the edge and look over unless +accompanied by either my partner or myself.</p> + +<br> +<center> <h3>THE POSTAL SERVICE</h3> +</center> + +<p>will be of the completest character. Of course the telegraph, and the +telegraph only, will be employed; consequently friends occupying +state-rooms 20,000,000 and even 30,000,000 miles apart will be able to send a +message and receive a reply inside of eleven days. Night messages will +be half-rate. The whole of this vast postal system will be under the +personal superintendence of Mr. Hale of Maine. Meals served at all +hours. Meals served in staterooms charged extra.</p> + +<p>Hostility is not apprehended from any great planet, but we have thought +it best to err on the safe side, and therefore have provided a proper +number of mortars, siege-guns, and boarding-pikes. History shows that +small, isolated communities, such as the people of remote islands, are +prone to be hostile to strangers, and so the same may be the case with</p> + + +<br> +<center> <h3>THE INHABITANTS OF STARS</h3> +</center> + +<p>of the tenth or twentieth magnitude. We shall in no case wantonly offend +the people of any star, but shall treat all alike with urbanity and +kindliness, never conducting ourselves toward an asteroid after a fashion +which we could not venture to assume toward Jupiter or Saturn. I repeat +that we shall not wantonly offend any star; but at the same time we shall +promptly resent any injury that may be done us, or any insolence offered +us, by parties or governments residing in any star in the firmament. +Although averse to the shedding of blood, we shall still hold this course +rigidly and fearlessly, not only toward single stars, but toward +constellations. We shall hope to leave a good impression of America +behind us in every nation we visit, from Venus to Uranus. And, at all +events, if we cannot inspire love we shall at least compel respect for +our country wherever we go. We shall take with us, free of charge,</p> + + +<br> +<center> <h3>A GREAT FORCE OF MISSIONARIES,</h3> +</center> + +<p>and shed the true light upon all the celestial orbs which, physically +aglow, are yet morally in darkness. Sunday-schools will be established +wherever practicable. Compulsory education will also be introduced.</p> + +<p>The comet will visit Mars first, and proceed to Mercury, Jupiter, Venus, +and Saturn. Parties connected with the government of the District of +Columbia and with the former city government of New York, who may desire +to inspect the rings, will be allowed time and every facility. Every +star of prominent magnitude will be visited, and time allowed for +excursions to points of interest inland.</p> + +<br> +<center> <h3>THE DOG STAR</h3> +</center> + +<p>has been stricken from the program. Much time will be spent in the Great +Bear, and, indeed, in every constellation of importance. So, also, with +the Sun and Moon and the Milky Way, otherwise the Gulf Stream of the +Skies. Clothing suitable for wear in the sun should be provided. Our +program has been so arranged that we shall seldom go more than +100,000,000 of miles at a time without stopping at some star. This will +necessarily make the stoppages frequent and preserve the interest of the +tourist. Baggage checked through to any point on the route. Parties +desiring to make only a part of the proposed tour, and thus save expense, +may stop over at any star they choose and wait for the return voyage.</p> + +<p>After visiting all the most celebrated stars and constellations in our +system and personally inspecting the remotest sparks that even the most +powerful telescope can now detect in the firmament, we shall proceed with +good heart upon</p> + +<br> +<center> <h3>A STUPENDOUS VOYAGE</h3> +</center> + +<p>of discovery among the countless whirling worlds that make turmoil in the +mighty wastes of space that stretch their solemn solitudes, their +unimaginable vastness billions upon billions of miles away beyond the +farthest verge of telescopic vision, till by comparison the little +sparkling vault we used to gaze at on Earth shall seem like a remembered +phosphorescent flash of spangles which some tropical voyager's prow +stirred into life for a single instant, and which ten thousand miles of +phosphorescent seas and tedious lapse of time had since diminished to an +incident utterly trivial in his recollection. Children occupying seats +at the first table will be charged full fare.</p> + + +<br> +<center> <h3>FIRST-CLASS FARE</h3> +</center> + +<p>from the Earth to Uranus, including visits to the Sun and Moon and all +the principal planets on the route, will be charged at the low rate of +$2 for every 50,000,000 miles of actual travel. A great reduction will +be made where parties wish to make the round trip. This comet is new and +in thorough repair and is now on her first voyage. She is confessedly +the fastest on the line. She makes 20,000,000 miles a day, with her +present facilities; but, with a picked American crew and good weather, +we are confident we can get 40,000,000 out of her. Still, we shall never +push her to a dangerous speed, and we shall rigidly prohibit racing with +other comets. Passengers desiring to diverge at any point or return will +be transferred to other comets. We make close connections at all +principal points with all reliable lines. Safety can be depended upon. +It is not to be denied that the heavens are infested with</p> + +<br> +<center> <h3>OLD RAMSHACKLE COMETS</h3> +</center> + +<p>that have not been inspected or overhauled in 10,000 years, and which +ought long ago to have been destroyed or turned into hail-barges, but +with these we have no connection whatever. Steerage passengers not +allowed abaft the main hatch.</p> + +<p>Complimentary round-trip tickets have been tendered to General Butler, +Mr. Shepherd, Mr. Richardson, and other eminent gentlemen, whose public +services have entitled them to the rest and relaxation of a voyage of +this kind. Parties desiring to make the round trip will have extra +accommodation. The entire voyage will be completed, and the passengers +landed in New York again, on the 14th of December, 1991. This is, at +least, forty years quicker than any other comet can do it in. Nearly all +the back-pay members contemplate making the round trip with us in case +their constituents will allow them a holiday. Every harmless amusement +will be allowed on board, but no pools permitted on the run of the +comet—no gambling of any kind. All fixed stars will be respected by us, but +such stars as seem to need fixing we shall fix. If it makes trouble, we +shall be sorry, but firm.</p> + +<p>Mr. Coggia having leased his comet to us, she will no longer be called by +his name, but by my partner's. N. B.—Passengers by paying double fare +will be entitled to a share in all the new stars, suns, moons, comets, +meteors, and magazines of thunder and lightning we may discover. +Patent-medicine people will take notice that</p> + +<br> +<center> <h3>WE CARRY BULLETIN-BOARDS</h3> +</center> + +<p>and a paint-brush along for use in the constellations, and are open to +terms. Cremationists are reminded that we are going straight to—some +hot places—and are open to terms. To other parties our enterprise is a +pleasure excursion, but individually we mean business. We shall fly our +comet for all it is worth.</p> + +<br> +<center> <h3>FOR FURTHER PARTICULARS,</h3> +</center> + +<p>or for freight or passage, apply on board, or to my partner, but not to +me, since I do not take charge of the comet until she is under way. +It is necessary, at a time like this, that my mind should not be burdened +with small business details.</p> + +<p> + MARK TWAIN.</p> +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="governor"></a>RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR +</h2></center> +<center><h3>[Written about 1870.] +</h3></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p311.jpg (141K)" src="images/p311.jpg" height="879" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>A few months ago I was nominated for Governor of the great state of New +York, to run against Mr. John T. Smith and Mr. Blank J. Blank on an +independent ticket. I somehow felt that I had one prominent advantage +over these gentlemen, and that was—good character. It was easy to see +by the newspapers that if ever they had known what it was to bear a good +name, that time had gone by. It was plain that in these latter years +they had become familiar with all manner of shameful crimes. But at the +very moment that I was exalting my advantage and joying in it in secret, +there was a muddy undercurrent of discomfort "riling" the deeps of my +happiness, and that was—the having to hear my name bandied about in +familiar connection with those of such people. I grew more and more +disturbed. Finally I wrote my grandmother about it. Her answer came +quick and sharp. She said:</p> +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> + You have never done one single thing in all your life to be ashamed + of—not one. Look at the newspapers—look at them and comprehend + what sort of characters Messrs. Smith and Blank are, and then see + if you are willing to lower yourself to their level and enter a + public canvass with them. +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> +<p>It was my very thought! I did not sleep a single moment that night. +But, after all, I could not recede.</p> + +<p>I was fully committed, and must go on with the fight. As I was looking +listlessly over the papers at breakfast I came across this paragraph, +and I may truly say I never was so confounded before.</p> +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> + PERJURY.—Perhaps, now that Mr. Mark Twain is before the people as a + candidate for Governor, he will condescend to explain how he came to + be convicted of perjury by thirty-four witnesses in Wakawak, Cochin + China, in 1863, the intent of which perjury being to rob a poor + native widow and her helpless family of a meager plantain-patch, + their only stay and support in their bereavement and desolation. + Mr. Twain owes it to himself, as well as to the great people whose + suffrages he asks, to clear this matter up. Will he do it? +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> +<p>I thought I should burst with amazement! Such a cruel, heartless charge! +I never had seen Cochin China! I never had heard of Wakawak! I didn't +know a plantain-patch from a kangaroo! I did not know what to do. I was +crazed and helpless. I let the day slip away without doing anything at +all. The next morning the same paper had this—nothing more:</p> +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> + SIGNIFICANT.—Mr. Twain, it will be observed, is suggestively + silent about the Cochin China perjury. +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> + +<p>[Mem.—During the rest of the campaign this paper never referred to me in +any other way than as "the infamous perjurer Twain."]</p> + +<p>Next came the Gazette, with this:</p> +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> + WANTED TO KNOW.—Will the new candidate for Governor deign to + explain to certain of his fellow-citizens (who are suffering to vote + for him!) the little circumstance of his cabin-mates in Montana + losing small valuables from time to time, until at last, these + things having been invariably found on Mr. Twain's person or in his + "trunk" (newspaper he rolled his traps in), they felt compelled to + give him a friendly admonition for his own good, and so tarred and + feathered him, and rode him on a rail; and then advised him to leave + a permanent vacuum in the place he usually occupied in the camp. + Will he do this? +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> + + +<p>Could anything be more deliberately malicious than that? For I never was +in Montana in my life.</p> + +<p>[After this, this journal customarily spoke of me as, "Twain, the Montana +Thief."]</p> + +<p>I got to picking up papers apprehensively—much as one would lift a +desired blanket which he had some idea might have a rattlesnake under it. +One day this met my eye:</p> +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> + THE LIE NAILED.—By the sworn affidavits of Michael O'Flanagan, + Esq., of the Five Points, and Mr. Snub Rafferty and Mr. Catty + Mulligan, of Water Street, it is established that Mr. Mark Twain's + vile statement that the lamented grandfather of our noble + standard-bearer, Blank J. Blank, was hanged for highway robbery, is a brutal + and gratuitous LIE, without a shadow of foundation in fact. It is + disheartening to virtuous men to see such shameful means resorted to + to achieve political success as the attacking of the dead in their + graves, and defiling their honored names with slander. When we + think of the anguish this miserable falsehood must cause the + innocent relatives and friends of the deceased, we are almost driven + to incite an outraged and insulted public to summary and unlawful + vengeance upon the traducer. But no! let us leave him to the agony + of a lacerated conscience (though if passion should get the better + of the public, and in its blind fury they should do the traducer + bodily injury, it is but too obvious that no jury could convict and + no court punish the perpetrators of the deed). +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> +<p>The ingenious closing sentence had the effect of moving me out of bed +with despatch that night, and out at the back door also, while the +"outraged and insulted public" surged in the front way, breaking +furniture and windows in their righteous indignation as they came, +and taking off such property as they could carry when they went. +And yet I can lay my hand upon the Book and say that I never slandered +Mr. Blank's grandfather. More: I had never even heard of him or +mentioned him up to that day and date.</p> + +<p>[I will state, in passing, that the journal above quoted from always +referred to me afterward as "Twain, the Body-Snatcher."]</p> + +<p>The next newspaper article that attracted my attention was the following:</p> +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> + A SWEET CANDIDATE.—Mr. Mark Twain, who was to make such a + blighting speech at the mass-meeting of the Independents last night, + didn't come to time! A telegram from his physician stated that he + had been knocked down by a runaway team, and his leg broken in two + places—sufferer lying in great agony, and so forth, and so forth, + and a lot more bosh of the same sort. And the Independents tried + hard to swallow the wretched subterfuge, and pretend that they did + not know what was the real reason of the absence of the abandoned + creature whom they denominate their standard-bearer. A certain man + was seen to reel into Mr. Twain's hotel last night in a state of + beastly intoxication. It is the imperative duty of the Independents + to prove that this besotted brute was not Mark Twain himself. We + have them at last! This is a case that admits of no shirking. The + voice of the people demands in thunder tones, "WHO WAS THAT MAN?" +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> +<p>It was incredible, absolutely incredible, for a moment, that it was +really my name that was coupled with this disgraceful suspicion. Three +long years had passed over my head since I had tasted ale, beer, wine or +liquor of any kind.</p> + +<p>[It shows what effect the times were having on me when I say that I saw +myself, confidently dubbed "Mr. Delirium Tremens Twain" in the next issue +of that journal without a pang—notwithstanding I knew that with +monotonous fidelity the paper would go on calling me so to the very end.]</p> + +<p>By this time anonymous letters were getting to be an important part of my +mail matter. This form was common:</p> + + +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> + How about that old woman you kiked of your premises which + was beging.<br> POL. PRY. +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> +<p>And this:</p> +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> + There is things which you have done which is unbeknowens to anybody + but me. You better trot out a few dots, to yours truly, or you'll + hear through the papers from<br> + HANDY ANDY. +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> +<p>This is about the idea. I could continue them till the reader was +surfeited, if desirable.</p> + +<p>Shortly the principal Republican journal "convicted" me of wholesale +bribery, and the leading Democratic paper "nailed" an aggravated case of +blackmailing to me.</p> + +<p>[In this way I acquired two additional names: "Twain the Filthy +Corruptionist" and "Twain the Loathsome Embracer."]</p> + +<p>By this time there had grown to be such a clamor for an "answer" to all +the dreadful charges that were laid to me that the editors and leaders of +my party said it would be political ruin for me to remain silent any +longer. As if to make their appeal the more imperative, the following +appeared in one of the papers the very next day:</p> +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> + BEHOLD THE MAN!—The independent candidate still maintains silence. + Because he dare not speak. Every accusation against him has been + amply proved, and they have been indorsed and reindorsed by his own + eloquent silence, till at this day he stands forever convicted. + Look upon your candidate, Independents! Look upon the Infamous + Perjurer! the Montana Thief! the Body-Snatcher! Contemplate your + incarnate Delirium Tremens! your Filthy Corruptionist! your + Loathsome Embracer! Gaze upon him—ponder him well—and then say if + you can give your honest votes to a creature who has earned this + dismal array of titles by his hideous crimes, and dares not open his + mouth in denial of any one of them! +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> +<p>There was no possible way of getting out of it, and so, in deep +humiliation, I set about preparing to "answer" a mass of baseless charges +and mean and wicked falsehoods. But I never finished the task, for the +very next morning a paper came out with a new horror, a fresh malignity, +and seriously charged me with burning a lunatic asylum with all its +inmates, because it obstructed the view from my house. This threw me +into a sort of panic. Then came the charge of poisoning my uncle to get +his property, with an imperative demand that the grave should be opened. +This drove me to the verge of distraction. On top of this I was accused +of employing toothless and incompetent old relatives to prepare the food +for the foundling hospital when I warden. I was wavering—wavering. +And at last, as a due and fitting climax to the shameless persecution +that party rancor had inflicted upon me, nine little toddling children, +of all shades of color and degrees of raggedness, were taught to rush +onto the platform at a public meeting, and clasp me around the legs and +call me PA!</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p315.jpg (58K)" src="images/p315.jpg" height="505" width="637"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>I gave it up. I hauled down my colors and surrendered. I was not equal +to the requirements of a Gubernatorial campaign in the state of New York, +and so I sent in my withdrawal from the candidacy, and in bitterness of +spirit signed it, "Truly yours, once a decent man, but now</p> + +<p> + "MARK TWAIN, LLP., M.T., B.S., D.T., F.C., and L.E."</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="mysterious"></a>A MYSTERIOUS VISIT +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p316.jpg (90K)" src="images/p316.jpg" height="611" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p> +The first notice that was taken of me when I "settled down" recently was +by a gentleman who said he was an assessor, and connected with the U. S. +Internal Revenue Department. I said I had never heard of his branch of +business before, but I was very glad to see him all the same. Would he +sit down? He sat down. I did not know anything particular to say, and +yet I felt that people who have arrived at the dignity of keeping house +must be conversational, must be easy and sociable in company. So, in +default of anything else to say, I asked him if he was opening his shop +in our neighborhood.</p> + +<p>He said he was. [I did not wish to appear ignorant, but I had hoped he +would mention what he had for sale.]</p> + +<p>I ventured to ask him "How was trade?" And he said "So-so."</p> + +<p>I then said we would drop in, and if we liked his house as well as any +other, we would give him our custom.</p> + +<p>He said he thought we would like his establishment well enough to confine +ourselves to it—said he never saw anybody who would go off and hunt up +another man in his line after trading with him once.</p> + +<p>That sounded pretty complacent, but barring that natural expression of +villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.</p> + +<p>I do not know how it came about exactly, but gradually we appeared to +melt down and run together, conversationally speaking, and then +everything went along as comfortably as clockwork.</p> + +<p>We talked, and talked, and talked—at least I did; and we laughed, and +laughed, and laughed—at least he did. But all the time I had my +presence of mind about me—I had my native shrewdness turned on "full +head," as the engineers say. I was determined to find out all about his +business in spite of his obscure answers—and I was determined I would +have it out of him without his suspecting what I was at. I meant to trap +him with a deep, deep ruse. I would tell him all about my own business, +and he would naturally so warm to me during this seductive burst of +confidence that he would forget himself, and tell me all about his +affairs before he suspected what I was about. I thought to myself, My +son, you little know what an old fox you are dealing with. I said:</p> + +<p>"Now you never would guess what I made lecturing this winter and last +spring?"</p> + +<p>"No—don't believe I could, to save me. Let me see—let me see. About +two thousand dollars, maybe? But no; no, sir, I know you couldn't have +made that much. Say seventeen hundred, maybe?"</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! I knew you couldn't. My lecturing receipts for last spring and +this winter were fourteen thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars. What +do you think of that?"</p> + +<p>"Why, it is amazing-perfectly amazing. I will make a note of it. And +you say even this wasn't all?"</p> + +<p>"All! Why bless you, there was my income from the Daily Warwhoop for +four months—about—about—well, what should you say to about eight +thousand dollars, for instance?"</p> + +<p>"Say! Why, I should say I should like to see myself rolling in just such +another ocean of affluence. Eight thousand! I'll make a note of it. +Why man!—and on top of all this am I to understand that you had still +more income?"</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! ha! Why, you're only in the suburbs of it, so to speak. +There's my book, The Innocents Abroad—price $3.50 to $5, according to the +binding. Listen to me. Look me in the eye. During the last four months +and a half, saying nothing of sales before that, but just simply during +the four months and a half, we've sold ninety-five thousand copies of +that book. Ninety-five thousand! Think of it. Average four dollars a +copy, say. It's nearly four hundred thousand dollars, my son. I get +half."</p> + +<p>"The suffering Moses! I'll set that down. +Fourteen-seven—fifty-eight—two hundred. Total, say—well, upon my word, the grand total is about +two hundred and thirteen or fourteen thousand dollars! Is that +possible?"</p> + +<p>"Possible! If there's any mistake it's the other way. Two hundred and +fourteen thousand, cash, is my income for this year if I know how to +cipher."</p> + +<p>Then the gentleman got up to go. It came over me most uncomfortably that +maybe I had made my revelations for nothing, besides being flattered into +stretching them considerably by the stranger's astonished exclamations. +But no; at the last moment the gentleman handed me a large envelope, and +said it contained his advertisement; and that I would find out all about +his business in it; and that he would be happy to have my custom—would, +in fact, be proud to have the custom of a man of such prodigious income; +and that he used to think there were several wealthy men in the city, but +when they came to trade with him he discovered that they barely had +enough to live on; and that, in truth, it had been such a weary, weary +age since he had seen a rich man face to face, and talked to him, and +touched him with his hands, that he could hardly refrain from embracing +me—in fact, would esteem it a great favor if I would let him embrace me.</p> + +<p>This so pleased me that I did not try to resist, but allowed this +simple-hearted stranger to throw his arms about me and weep a few tranquilizing +tears down the back of my neck. Then he went his way.</p> + +<p>As soon as he was gone I opened his advertisement. I studied it +attentively for four minutes. I then called up the cook, and said:</p> + +<p>"Hold me while I faint! Let Marie turn the griddle-cakes."</p> + +<p>By and by, when I came to, I sent down to the rum-mill on the corner and +hired an artist by the week to sit up nights and curse that stranger, and +give me a lift occasionally in the daytime when I came to a hard place.</p> + +<p>Ah, what a miscreant he was! His "advertisement" was nothing in the +world but a wicked tax-return—a string of impertinent questions about +my private affairs, occupying the best part of four fools-cap pages of +fine print—questions, I may remark, gotten up with such marvelous +ingenuity that the oldest man in the world couldn't understand what the +most of them were driving at—questions, too, that were calculated to +make a man report about four times his actual income to keep from +swearing to a falsehood. I looked for a loophole, but there did not +appear to be any. Inquiry No. 1 covered my case as generously and as +amply as an umbrella could cover an ant-hill:</p> +<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote> + What were your profits, during the past year, from any trade, + business, or vocation, wherever carried on? +</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote> +<p>And that inquiry was backed up by thirteen others of an equally searching +nature, the most modest of which required information as to whether I had +committed any burglary or highway robbery, or by any arson or other +secret source of emolument had acquired property which was not enumerated +in my statement of income as set opposite to inquiry No. 1.</p> + +<p>It was plain that that stranger had enabled me to make a goose of myself. +It was very, very plain; and so I went out and hired another artist. +By working on my vanity, the stranger had seduced me into declaring an +income of two hundred and fourteen thousand dollars. By law, one +thousand dollars of this was exempt from income tax—the only relief I +could see, and it was only a drop in the ocean. At the legal five per +cent., I must pay to the government the sum of ten thousand six hundred +and fifty dollars, income tax!</p> + +<p>[I may remark, in this place, that I did not do it.]</p> + +<p>I am acquainted with a very opulent man, whose house is a palace, whose +table is regal, whose outlays are enormous, yet a man who has no income, +as I have often noticed by the revenue returns; and to him I went for +advice in my distress. He took my dreadful exhibition of receipts, he +put on his glasses, he took his pen, and presto!—I was a pauper! It was +the neatest thing that ever was. He did it simply by deftly manipulating +the bill of "DEDUCTIONS." He set down my "State, national, and municipal +taxes" at so much; my "losses by shipwreck; fire, etc.," at so much; my +"losses on sales of real estate"—on "live stock sold"—on "payments for +rent of homestead"—on "repairs, improvements, interest"—on "previously +taxed salary as an officer of the United States army, navy, revenue +service," and other things. He got astonishing "deductions" out of each +and every one of these matters—each and every one of them. And when he +was done he handed me the paper, and I saw at a glance that during the +year my income, in the way of profits, had been one thousand two hundred +and fifty dollars and forty cents.</p> + +<p>"Now," said he, "the thousand dollars is exempt by law. What you want to +do is to go and swear this document in and pay tax on the two hundred and +fifty dollars."</p> + +<p>[While he was making this speech his little boy Willie lifted a +two-dollar greenback out of his vest pocket and vanished with it, and I would +wager anything that if my stranger were to call on that little boy +to-morrow he would make a false return of his income.]</p> + +<p>"Do you," said I, "do you always work up the 'deductions' after this +fashion in your own case, sir?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I should say so! If it weren't for those eleven saving clauses +under the head of 'Deductions' I should be beggared every year to support +this hateful and wicked, this extortionate and tyrannical government."</p> + +<p>This gentleman stands away up among the very best of the solid men of the +city—the men of moral weight, of commercial integrity, of unimpeachable +social spotlessness—and so I bowed to his example. I went down to the +revenue office, and under the accusing eyes of my old visitor I stood up +and swore to lie after lie, fraud after fraud, villainy after villainy, +till my soul was coated inches and inches thick with perjury, and my +self-respect gone for ever and ever.</p> + +<p>But what of it? It is nothing more than thousands of the richest and +proudest, and most respected, honored, and courted men in America do +every year. And so I don't care. I am not ashamed. I shall simply, +for the present, talk little and eschew fire-proof gloves, lest I fall +into certain dreadful habits irrevocably.</p> + + + +<br><br> + + +<center> +<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3> +<tr><td> + <a href="p6.htm">Previous Part</a> +</td><td> + <a href="3189-h.htm">Main Index</a> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +</body> +</html> |