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diff --git a/old/orig3189-h/p6.htm b/old/orig3189-h/p6.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..77c6d08 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/orig3189-h/p6.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1042 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>SKETCHES NEW AND OLD, Part 6</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + + + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {background:#faebd7; margin:10%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97% } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc { margin-left: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + // --> +</style> + + + +</head> +<body> + + +<center> +<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3> +<tr><td> + <a href="p5.htm">Previous Part</a> +</td><td> + <a href="3189-h.htm">Main Index</a> +</td><td> + <a href="p7.htm">Next Part</a> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><br><br><br> + +<center> +<h1>SKETCHES NEW AND OLD +</h1></center> + +<center><h3>by Mark Twain</h3></center> +<br><br> + +<center><h3>Part 6.</h3></center> + +<br><br> + + + +<center><img alt="bookcover.jpg (224K)" src="images/bookcover.jpg" height="715" width="650"></center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<center><img alt="frontpiece.jpg (134K)" src="images/frontpiece.jpg" height="790" width="650"></center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<center><img alt="titlepage.jpg (38K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" height="850" width="650"></center> +<br><br><br><br> + + + +<h2>CONTENTS:</h2> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + +<a href="#undertaker">THE UNDERTAKER'S CHAT</a><br><br> +<a href="#chambermaids">CONCERNING CHAMBERMAIDS</a><br><br> +<a href="#aurelia">AURELIA'S UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN</a><br><br> +<a href="#jenkins">"AFTER" JENKINS</a><br><br> +<a href="#barbers">ABOUT BARBERS</a><br><br> +<a href="#ireland">"PARTY CRIES" IN IRELAND</a><br><br> +<a href="#resignation">THE FACTS CONCERNING THE RECENT RESIGNATION</a><br><br> +<a href="#history">HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF</a><br><br> +<a href="#curiosity">HONORED AS A CURIOSITY</a><br><br> + + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br><br><br> + + + + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="undertaker"></a>THE UNDERTAKER'S CHAT +</h2></center> +<br> + + +<p>"Now that corpse," said the undertaker, patting the folded hands of +deceased approvingly, "was a brick—every way you took him he was a brick. +He was so real accommodating, and so modest-like and simple in his last +moments. Friends wanted metallic burial-case—nothing else would do. +I couldn't get it. There warn't going to be time—anybody could see +that.</p> + +<p>"Corpse said never mind, shake him up some kind of a box he could stretch +out in comfortable, he warn't particular 'bout the general style of it. +Said he went more on room than style, anyway in a last final container.</p> + +<p>"Friends wanted a silver door-plate on the coffin, signifying who he was +and wher' he was from. Now you know a fellow couldn't roust out such a +gaily thing as that in a little country-town like this. What did corpse +say?</p> + +<p>"Corpse said, whitewash his old canoe and dob his address and general +destination onto it with a blacking-brush and a stencil-plate, 'long with +a verse from some likely hymn or other, and p'int him for the tomb, and +mark him C. O. D., and just let him flicker. He warn't distressed any +more than you be—on the contrary, just as ca'm and collected as a +hearse-horse; said he judged that wher' he was going to a body would find +it considerable better to attract attention by a picturesque moral +character than a natty burial-case with a swell door-plate on it.</p> + +<p>"Splendid man, he was. I'd druther do for a corpse like that 'n any I've +tackled in seven year. There's some satisfaction in buryin' a man like +that. You feel that what you're doing is appreciated. Lord bless you, +so's he got planted before he sp'iled, he was perfectly satisfied; said +his relations meant well, perfectly well, but all them preparations was +bound to delay the thing more or less, and he didn't wish to be kept +layin' around. You never see such a clear head as what he had—and so +ca'm and so cool. Jist a hunk of brains—that is what he was. +Perfectly awful. It was a ripping distance from one end of that man's +head to t'other. Often and over again he's had brain-fever a-raging in +one place, and the rest of the pile didn't know anything about it—didn't +affect it any more than an Injun Insurrection in Arizona affects the +Atlantic States. Well, the relations they wanted a big funeral, but +corpse said he was down on flummery—didn't want any procession—fill +the hearse full of mourners, and get out a stern line and tow him behind. +He was the most down on style of any remains I ever struck. A beautiful, +simpleminded creature—it was what he was, you can depend on that. He was +just set on having things the way he wanted them, and he took a solid +comfort in laying his little plans. He had me measure him and take a +whole raft of directions; then he had the minister stand up behind a long +box with a table-cloth over it, to represent the coffin, and read his +funeral sermon, saying 'Angcore, angcore!' at the good places, and making +him scratch out every bit of brag about him, and all the hifalutin; and +then he made them trot out the choir, so's he could help them pick out +the tunes for the occasion, and he got them to sing 'Pop Goes the +Weasel,' because he'd always liked that tune when he was downhearted, and +solemn music made him sad; and when they sung that with tears in their +eyes (because they all loved him), and his relations grieving around, he +just laid there as happy as a bug, and trying to beat time and showing +all over how much he enjoyed it; and presently he got worked up and +excited, and tried to join in, for, mind you, he was pretty proud of his +abilities in the singing line; but the first time he opened his mouth and +was just going to spread himself his breath took a walk.</p> + +<p>"I never see a man snuffed out so sudden. Ah, it was a great loss—a +powerful loss to this poor little one-horse town. Well, well, well, I +hain't got time to be palavering along here—got to nail on the lid and +mosey along with him; and if you'll just give me a lift we'll skeet him +into the hearse and meander along. Relations bound to have it so—don't +pay no attention to dying injunctions, minute a corpse's gone; but, if I +had my way, if I didn't respect his last wishes and tow him behind the +hearse I'll be cuss'd. I consider that whatever a corpse wants done for +his comfort is little enough matter, and a man hain't got no right to +deceive him or take advantage of him; and whatever a corpse trusts me to +do I'm a-going to do, you know, even if it's to stuff him and paint him +yaller and keep him for a keepsake—you hear me!"</p> + +<p>He cracked his whip and went lumbering away with his ancient ruin of a +hearse, and I continued my walk with a valuable lesson learned—that a +healthy and wholesome cheerfulness is not necessarily impossible to any +occupation. The lesson is likely to be lasting, for it will take many +months to obliterate the memory of the remarks and circumstances that +impressed it.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="chambermaids"></a>CONCERNING CHAMBERMAIDS +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p250.jpg (92K)" src="images/p250.jpg" height="617" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>Against all chambermaids, of whatsoever age or nationality, I launch the +curse of bachelordom! Because:</p> + +<p>They always put the pillows at the opposite end of the bed from the +gas-burner, so that while you read and smoke before sleeping (as is the +ancient and honored custom of bachelors), you have to hold your book +aloft, in an uncomfortable position, to keep the light from dazzling your +eyes.</p> + +<p>When they find the pillows removed to the other end of the bed in the +morning, they receive not the suggestion in a friendly spirit; but, +glorying in their absolute sovereignty, and unpitying your helplessness, +they make the bed just as it was originally, and gloat in secret over the +pang their tyranny will cause you.</p> + +<p>Always after that, when they find you have transposed the pillows, they +undo your work, and thus defy and seek to embitter the life that God has +given you.</p> + +<p>If they cannot get the light in an inconvenient position any other way, +they move the bed.</p> + +<p>If you pull your trunk out six inches from the wall, so that the lid will +stay up when you open it, they always shove that trunk back again. They +do it on purpose.</p> + +<p>If you want the spittoon in a certain spot, where it will be handy, they +don't, and so they move it.</p> + +<p>They always put your other boots into inaccessible places. They chiefly +enjoy depositing them as far under the bed as the wall will permit. It +is because this compels you to get down in an undignified attitude and +make wild sweeps for them in the dark with the bootjack, and swear.</p> + +<p>They always put the matchbox in some other place. They hunt up a new +place for it every day, and put up a bottle, or other perishable glass +thing, where the box stood before. This is to cause you to break that +glass thing, groping in the dark, and get yourself into trouble.</p> + +<p>They are for ever and ever moving the furniture. When you come in in the +night you can calculate on finding the bureau where the wardrobe was in +the morning. And when you go out in the morning, if you leave the +slop-bucket by the door and rocking-chair by the window, when you come in at +midnight or thereabout, you will fall over that rocking-chair, and you +will proceed toward the window and sit down in that slop-tub. This will +disgust you. They like that.</p> + +<p>No matter where you put anything, they are not going to let it stay +there. They will take it and move it the first chance they get. It is +their nature. And, besides, it gives them pleasure to be mean and +contrary this way. They would die if they couldn't be villains.</p> + +<p>They always save up all the old scraps of printed rubbish you throw on +the floor, and stack them up carefully on the table, and start the fire +with your valuable manuscripts. If there is any one particular old scrap +that you are more down on than any other, and which you are gradually +wearing your life out trying to get rid of, you may take all the pains +you possibly can in that direction, but it won't be of any use, because +they will always fetch that old scrap back and put it in the same old +place again every time. It does them good.</p> + +<p>And they use up more hair-oil than any six men. If charged with +purloining the same, they lie about it. What do they care about a +hereafter? Absolutely nothing.</p> + +<p>If you leave the key in the door for convenience' sake, they will carry +it down to the office and give it to the clerk. They do this under the +vile pretense of trying to protect your property from thieves; but +actually they do it because they want to make you tramp back down-stairs +after it when you come home tired, or put you to the trouble of sending a +waiter for it, which waiter will expect you to pay him something. In +which case I suppose the degraded creatures divide.</p> + +<p>They keep always trying to make your bed before you get up, thus +destroying your rest and inflicting agony upon you; but after you get up, +they don't come any more till next day.</p> + +<p>They do all the mean things they can think of, and they do them just out +of pure cussedness, and nothing else.</p> + +<p>Chambermaids are dead to every human instinct.</p> + +<p>If I can get a bill through the legislature abolishing chambermaids, I +mean to do it.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="aurelia"></a>AURELIA'S UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN +</h2></center> +<center><h3>[Written about 1865.] +</h3></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p253.jpg (89K)" src="images/p253.jpg" height="613" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>The facts in the following case came to me by letter from a young lady +who lives in the beautiful city of San José; she is perfectly unknown to +me, and simply signs herself "Aurelia Maria," which may possibly be a +fictitious name. But no matter, the poor girl is almost heartbroken by +the misfortunes she has undergone, and so confused by the conflicting +counsels of misguided friends and insidious enemies that she does not +know what course to pursue in order to extricate herself from the web of +difficulties in which she seems almost hopelessly involved. In this +dilemma she turns to me for help, and supplicates for my guidance and +instruction with a moving eloquence that would touch the heart of a +statue. Hear her sad story:</p> + +<p>She says that when she was sixteen years old she met and loved, with all +the devotion of a passionate nature, a young man from New Jersey, named +Williamson Breckinridge Caruthers, who was some six years her senior. +They were engaged, with the free consent of their friends and relatives, +and for a time it seemed as if their career was destined to be +characterized by an immunity from sorrow beyond the usual lot of +humanity. But at last the tide of fortune turned; young Caruthers became +infected with smallpox of the most virulent type, and when he recovered +from his illness his face was pitted like a waffle-mold, and his +comeliness gone forever. Aurelia thought to break off the engagement at +first, but pity for her unfortunate lover caused her to postpone the +marriage-day for a season, and give him another trial.</p> + +<p>The very day before the wedding was to have taken place, Breckinridge, +while absorbed in watching the flight of a balloon, walked into a well +and fractured one of his legs, and it had to be taken off above the knee. +Again Aurelia was moved to break the engagement, but again love +triumphed, and she set the day forward and gave him another chance to +reform.</p> + +<p>And again misfortune overtook the unhappy youth. He lost one arm by the +premature discharge of a Fourth of July cannon, and within three months +he got the other pulled out by a carding-machine. Aurelia's heart was +almost crushed by these latter calamities. She could not but be deeply +grieved to see her lover passing from her by piecemeal, feeling, as she +did, that he could not last forever under this disastrous process of +reduction, yet knowing of no way to stop its dreadful career, and in her +tearful despair she almost regretted, like brokers who hold on and lose, +that she had not taken him at first, before he had suffered such an +alarming depreciation. Still, her brave soul bore her up, and she +resolved to bear with her friend's unnatural disposition yet a little +longer.</p> + +<p>Again the wedding-day approached, and again disappointment overshadowed +it; Caruthers fell ill with the erysipelas, and lost the use of one of +his eyes entirely. The friends and relatives of the bride, considering +that she had already put up with more than could reasonably be expected +of her, now came forward and insisted that the match should be broken +off; but after wavering awhile, Aurelia, with a generous spirit which did +her credit, said she had reflected calmly upon the matter, and could not +discover that Breckinridge was to blame.</p> + +<p>So she extended the time once more, and he broke his other leg.</p> + +<p>It was a sad day for the poor girl when she saw the surgeons reverently +bearing away the sack whose uses she had learned by previous experience, +and her heart told her the bitter truth that some more of her lover was +gone. She felt that the field of her affections was growing more and +more circumscribed every day, but once more she frowned down her +relatives and renewed her betrothal.</p> + +<p>Shortly before the time set for the nuptials another disaster occurred. +There was but one man scalped by the Owens River Indians last year. That +man was Williamson Breckinridge Caruthers of New Jersey. He was hurrying +home with happiness in his heart, when he lost his hair forever, and in +that hour of bitterness he almost cursed the mistaken mercy that had +spared his head.</p> + +<p>At last Aurelia is in serious perplexity as to what she ought to do. She +still loves her Breckinridge, she writes, with truly womanly feeling—she +still loves what is left of him—but her parents are bitterly opposed to +the match, because he has no property and is disabled from working, and +she has not sufficient means to support both comfortably. "Now, what +should she do?" she asked with painful and anxious solicitude.</p> + +<p>It is a delicate question; it is one which involves the lifelong +happiness of a woman, and that of nearly two-thirds of a man, and I feel +that it would be assuming too great a responsibility to do more than make +a mere suggestion in the case. How would it do to build to him? If +Aurelia can afford the expense, let her furnish her mutilated lover with +wooden arms and wooden legs, and a glass eye and a wig, and give him +another show; give him ninety days, without grace, and if he does not +break his neck in the mean time, marry him and take the chances. It does +not seem to me that there is much risk, anyway, Aurelia, because if he +sticks to his singular propensity for damaging himself every time he sees +a good opportunity, his next experiment is bound to finish him, and then +you are safe, married or single. If married, the wooden legs and such +other valuables as he may possess revert to the widow, and you see you +sustain no actual loss save the cherished fragment of a noble but most +unfortunate husband, who honestly strove to do right, but whose +extraordinary instincts were against him. Try it, Maria. I have thought +the matter over carefully and well, and it is the only chance I see for +you. It would have been a happy conceit on the part of Caruthers if he +had started with his neck and broken that first; but since he has seen +fit to choose a different policy and string himself out as long as +possible, I do not think we ought to upbraid him for it if he has enjoyed +it. We must do the best we can under the circumstances, and try not to +feel exasperated at him.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="jenkins"></a>"AFTER" JENKINS +</h2></center> +<br> + +<p>A grand affair of a ball—the Pioneers'—came off at the Occidental some +time ago. The following notes of the costumes worn by the belles of the +occasion may not be uninteresting to the general reader, and Jenkins may +get an idea therefrom:</p> + +<p>Mrs. W. M. was attired in an elegant 'pâté de foie gras,' made expressly +for her, and was greatly admired. Miss S. had her hair done up. She was +the center of attraction for the gentlemen and the envy of all the ladies. Mrs. G. W. was +tastefully dressed in a 'tout ensemble,' and was greeted with deafening +applause wherever she went. Mrs. C. N. was superbly arrayed in white kid +gloves. Her modest and engaging manner accorded well with the +unpretending simplicity of her costume and caused her to be regarded with +absorbing interest by every one.</p> + +<p>The charming Miss M. M. B. appeared in a thrilling waterfall, whose +exceeding grace and volume compelled the homage of pioneers and emigrants +alike. How beautiful she was!</p> + +<p>The queenly Mrs. L. R. was attractively attired in her new and beautiful +false teeth, and the 'bon jour' effect they naturally produced was +heightened by her enchanting and well-sustained smile.</p> + +<p>Miss R. P., with that repugnance to ostentation in dress which is so +peculiar to her, was attired in a simple white lace collar, fastened with +a neat pearl-button solitaire. The fine contrast between the sparkling +vivacity of her natural optic, and the steadfast attentiveness of her +placid glass eye, was the subject of general and enthusiastic remark.</p> + +<p>Miss C. L. B. had her fine nose elegantly enameled, and the easy grace +with which she blew it from time to time marked her as a cultivated and +accomplished woman of the world; its exquisitely modulated tone excited +the admiration of all who had the happiness to hear it.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="barbers"></a>ABOUT BARBERS +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p257.jpg (140K)" src="images/p257.jpg" height="853" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>All things change except barbers, the ways of barbers, and the +surroundings of barbers. These never change. What one experiences in a +barber's shop the first time he enters one is what he always experiences +in barbers' shops afterward till the end of his days. I got shaved this +morning as usual. A man approached the door from Jones Street as I +approached it from Main—a thing that always happens. I hurried up, but +it was of no use; he entered the door one little step ahead of me, and I +followed in on his heels and saw him take the only vacant chair, the one +presided over by the best barber. It always happens so. I sat down, +hoping that I might fall heir to the chair belonging to the better of the +remaining two barbers, for he had already begun combing his man's hair, +while his comrade was not yet quite done rubbing up and oiling his +customer's locks. I watched the probabilities with strong interest. +When I saw that No. 2 was gaining on No. 1 my interest grew to +solicitude. When No. 1 stopped a moment to make change on a bath ticket +for a new-comer, and lost ground in the race, my solicitude rose to +anxiety. When No. 1 caught up again, and both he and his comrade were +pulling the towels away and brushing the powder from their customers' +cheeks, and it was about an even thing which one would say "Next!" first, +my very breath stood still with the suspense. But when at the +culminating moment No. 1 stopped to pass a comb a couple of times through +his customer's eyebrows, I saw that he had lost the race by a single +instant, and I rose indignant and quitted the shop, to keep from falling +into the hands of No. 2; for I have none of that enviable firmness that +enables a man to look calmly into the eyes of a waiting barber and tell +him he will wait for his fellow-barber's chair.</p> + +<p>I stayed out fifteen minutes, and then went back, hoping for better luck. +Of course all the chairs were occupied now, and four men sat waiting, +silent, unsociable, distraught, and looking bored, as men always do who +are waiting their turn in a barber's shop. I sat down in one of the +iron-armed compartments of an old sofa, and put in the time for a while +reading the framed advertisements of all sorts of quack nostrums for +dyeing and coloring the hair. Then I read the greasy names on the +private bayrum bottles; read the names and noted the numbers on the +private shaving-cups in the pigeonholes; studied the stained and damaged +cheap prints on the walls, of battles, early Presidents, and voluptuous +recumbent sultanas, and the tiresome and everlasting young girl putting +her grandfather's spectacles on; execrated in my heart the cheerful +canary and the distracting parrot that few barbers' shops are without. +Finally, I searched out the least dilapidated of last year's illustrated +papers that littered the foul center-table, and conned their +unjustifiable misrepresentations of old forgotten events.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p259.jpg (23K)" src="images/p259.jpg" height="455" width="405"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>At last my turn came. A voice said "Next!" and I surrendered to—No. 2, +of course. It always happens so. I said meekly that I was in a hurry, +and it affected him as strongly as if he had never heard it. He shoved +up my head, and put a napkin under it. He plowed his fingers into my +collar and fixed a towel there. He explored my hair with his claws and +suggested that it needed trimming. I said I did not want it trimmed. He +explored again and said it was pretty long for the present style—better +have a little taken off; it needed it behind especially. I said I had +had it cut only a week before. He yearned over it reflectively a moment, +and then asked with a disparaging manner, who cut it? I came back at him +promptly with a "You did!" I had him there. Then he fell to stirring up +his lather and regarding himself in the glass, stopping now and then to +get close and examine his chin critically or inspect a pimple. Then he +lathered one side of my face thoroughly, and was about to lather the +other, when a dog-fight attracted his attention, and he ran to the window +and stayed and saw it out, losing two shillings on the result in bets +with the other barbers, a thing which gave me great satisfaction. He +finished lathering, and then began to rub in the suds with his hand.</p> + +<p>He now began to sharpen his razor on an old suspender, and was delayed a +good deal on account of a controversy about a cheap masquerade ball he +had figured at the night before, in red cambric and bogus ermine, as some +kind of a king. He was so gratified with being chaffed about some damsel +whom he had smitten with his charms that he used every means to continue +the controversy by pretending to be annoyed at the chaffings of his +fellows. This matter begot more surveyings of himself in the glass, and +he put down his razor and brushed his hair with elaborate care, +plastering an inverted arch of it down on his forehead, accomplishing an +accurate "part" behind, and brushing the two wings forward over his ears +with nice exactness. In the mean time the lather was drying on my face, +and apparently eating into my vitals.</p> + +<p>Now he began to shave, digging his fingers into my countenance to stretch +the skin and bundling and tumbling my head this way and that as +convenience in shaving demanded. As long as he was on the tough sides of +my face I did not suffer; but when he began to rake, and rip, and tug at +my chin, the tears came. He now made a handle of my nose, to assist him +shaving the corners of my upper lip, and it was by this bit of +circumstantial evidence that I discovered that a part of his duties in +the shop was to clean the kerosene-lamps. I had often wondered in an +indolent way whether the barbers did that, or whether it was the boss.</p> + +<p>About this time I was amusing myself trying to guess where he would be +most likely to cut me this time, but he got ahead of me, and sliced me on +the end of the chin before I had got my mind made up. He immediately +sharpened his razor—he might have done it before. I do not like a close +shave, and would not let him go over me a second time. I tried to get +him to put up his razor, dreading that he would make for the side of my +chin, my pet tender spot, a place which a razor cannot touch twice +without making trouble; but he said he only wanted to just smooth off one +little roughness, and in the same moment he slipped his razor along the +forbidden ground, and the dreaded pimple-signs of a close shave rose up +smarting and answered to the call. Now he soaked his towel in bay rum, +and slapped it all over my face nastily; slapped it over as if a human +being ever yet washed his face in that way. Then he dried it by slapping +with the dry part of the towel, as if a human being ever dried his face +in such a fashion; but a barber seldom rubs you like a Christian. Next +he poked bay rum into the cut place with his towel, then choked the +wound with powdered starch, then soaked it with bay rum again, and would +have gone on soaking and powdering it forevermore, no doubt, if I had not +rebelled and begged off. He powdered my whole face now, straightened me +up, and began to plow my hair thoughtfully with his hands. Then he +suggested a shampoo, and said my hair needed it badly, very badly. +I observed that I shampooed it myself very thoroughly in the bath +yesterday. I "had him" again. He next recommended some of "Smith's Hair +Glorifier," and offered to sell me a bottle. I declined. He praised the +new perfume, "Jones's Delight of the Toilet," and proposed to sell me +some of that. I declined again. He tendered me a tooth-wash atrocity of +his own invention, and when I declined offered to trade knives with me.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p260.jpg (37K)" src="images/p260.jpg" height="483" width="379"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>He returned to business after the miscarriage of this last enterprise, +sprinkled me all over, legs and all, greased my hair in defiance of my +protest against it, rubbed and scrubbed a good deal of it out by the +roots, and combed and brushed the rest, parting it behind, and plastering +the eternal inverted arch of hair down on my forehead, and then, while +combing my scant eyebrows and defiling them with pomade, strung out an +account of the achievements of a six-ounce black-and-tan terrier of his +till I heard the whistles blow for noon, and knew I was five minutes too +late for the train. Then he snatched away the towel, brushed it lightly +about my face, passed his comb through my eyebrows once more, and gaily +sang out "Next!"</p> + +<p>This barber fell down and died of apoplexy two hours later. I am waiting +over a day for my revenge—I am going to attend his funeral.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="ireland"></a>"PARTY CRIES" IN IRELAND +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p262.jpg (132K)" src="images/p262.jpg" height="886" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>Belfast is a peculiarly religious community. This may be said of the +whole of the North of Ireland. About one-half of the people are +Protestants and the other half Catholics. Each party does all it can to +make its own doctrines popular and draw the affections of the irreligious +toward them. One hears constantly of the most touching instances of this +zeal. A week ago a vast concourse of Catholics assembled at Armagh to +dedicate a new Cathedral; and when they started home again the roadways +were lined with groups of meek and lowly Protestants who stoned them till +all the region round about was marked with blood. I thought that only +Catholics argued in that way, but it seems to be a mistake.</p> + +<p>Every man in the community is a missionary and carries a brick to +admonish the erring with. The law has tried to break this up, but not +with perfect success. It has decreed that irritating "party cries" shall +not be indulged in, and that persons uttering them shall be fined forty +shillings and costs. And so, in the police court reports every day, one +sees these fines recorded. Last week a girl of twelve years old was +fined the usual forty shillings and costs for proclaiming in the public +streets that she was "a Protestant." The usual cry is, "To hell with the +Pope!" or "To hell with the Protestants!" according to the utterer's +system of salvation.</p> + +<p>One of Belfast's local jokes was very good. It referred to the uniform +and inevitable fine of forty shillings and costs for uttering a party +cry—and it is no economical fine for a poor man, either, by the way. +They say that a policeman found a drunken man lying on the ground, up a +dark alley, entertaining himself with shouting, "To hell with!" "To hell +with!" The officer smelt a fine—informers get half.</p> + +<p>"What's that you say?"</p> + +<p>"To hell with!"</p> + +<p>"To hell with who? To hell with what?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, bedad, ye can finish it yourself—it's too expinsive for me!"</p> + +<p>I think the seditious disposition, restrained by the economical instinct, +is finely put in that.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="resignation"></a>THE FACTS CONCERNING THE RECENT RESIGNATION [Written about 1867] +</h2></center> +<center><h3>WASHINGTON, December, 1867. +</h3></center> +<br> + + +<p>I have resigned. The government appears to go on much the same, but +there is a spoke out of its wheel, nevertheless. I was clerk of the +Senate Committee on Conchology and I have thrown up the position. +I could see the plainest disposition on the part of the other members of +the government to debar me from having any voice in the counsels of the +nation, and so I could no longer hold office and retain my self-respect. +If I were to detail all the outrages that were heaped upon me during the +six days that I was connected with the government in an official +capacity, the narrative would fill a volume. They appointed me clerk of +that Committee on Conchology and then allowed me no amanuensis to play +billiards with. I would have borne that, lonesome as it was, if I had +met with that courtesy from the other members of the Cabinet which was my +due. But I did not. Whenever I observed that the head of a department +was pursuing a wrong course, I laid down everything and went and tried to +set him right, as it was my duty to do; and I never was thanked for it in +a single instance. I went, with the best intentions in the world, to the +Secretary of the Navy, and said:</p> + +<p>"Sir, I cannot see that Admiral Farragut is doing anything but +skirmishing around there in Europe, having a sort of picnic. Now, that +may be all very well, but it does not exhibit itself to me in that light. +If there is no fighting for him to do, let him come home. There is no +use in a man having a whole fleet for a pleasure excursion. It is too +expensive. Mind, I do not object to pleasure excursions for the naval +officers—pleasure excursions that are in reason—pleasure excursions +that are economical. Now, they might go down the Mississippi +on a raft—"</p> + +<p>You ought to have heard him storm! One would have supposed I had +committed a crime of some kind. But I didn't mind. I said it was cheap, +and full of republican simplicity, and perfectly safe. I said that, for +a tranquil pleasure excursion, there was nothing equal to a raft.</p> + +<p>Then the Secretary of the Navy asked me who I was; and when I told him I +was connected with the government, he wanted to know in what capacity. I +said that, without remarking upon the singularity of such a question, +coming, as it did, from a member of that same government, I would inform +him that I was clerk of the Senate Committee on Conchology. Then there +was a fine storm! He finished by ordering me to leave the premises, and +give my attention strictly to my own business in future. My first +impulse was to get him removed. However, that would harm others besides +himself, and do me no real good, and so I let him stay.</p> + +<p>I went next to the Secretary of War, who was not inclined to see me at +all until he learned that I was connected with the government. If I had +not been on important business, I suppose I could not have got in. +I asked him for a light (he was smoking at the time), and then I told him +I had no fault to find with his defending the parole stipulations of +General Lee and his comrades in arms, but that I could not approve of his +method of fighting the Indians on the Plains. I said he fought too +scattering. He ought to get the Indians more together—get them together +in some convenient place, where he could have provisions enough for both +parties, and then have a general massacre. I said there was nothing so +convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. If he could not approve +of the massacre, I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and +education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they +are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may +recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him +some time or other. It undermines his constitution; it strikes at the +foundation of his being. "Sir," I said, "the time has come when +blood-curdling cruelty has become necessary. Inflict soap and a spelling-book +on every Indian that ravages the Plains, and let them die!"</p> + +<p>The Secretary of War asked me if I was a member of the Cabinet, and I +said I was. He inquired what position I held, and I said I was clerk of +the Senate Committee on Conchology. I was then ordered under arrest for +contempt of court, and restrained of my liberty for the best part of the +day.</p> + +<p>I almost resolved to be silent thenceforward, and let the Government get +along the best way it could. But duty called, and I obeyed. I called on +the Secretary of the Treasury. He said:</p> + +<p>"What will you have?"</p> + +<p>The question threw me off my guard. I said, "Rum punch."</p> + +<p>He said: "If you have got any business here, sir, state it—and in as few +words as possible."</p> + +<p>I then said that I was sorry he had seen fit to change the subject so +abruptly, because such conduct was very offensive to me; but under the +circumstances I would overlook the matter and come to the point. I now +went into an earnest expostulation with him upon the extravagant length +of his report. I said it was expensive, unnecessary, and awkwardly +constructed; there were no descriptive passages in it, no poetry, no +sentiment—no heroes, no plot, no pictures—not even wood-cuts. Nobody +would read it, that was a clear case. I urged him not to ruin his +reputation by getting out a thing like that. If he ever hoped to succeed +in literature he must throw more variety into his writings. He must +beware of dry detail. I said that the main popularity of the almanac was +derived from its poetry and conundrums, and that a few conundrums +distributed around through his Treasury report would help the sale of it +more than all the internal revenue he could put into it. I said these +things in the kindest spirit, and yet the Secretary of the Treasury fell +into a violent passion. He even said I was an ass. He abused me in the +most vindictive manner, and said that if I came there again meddling with +his business he would throw me out of the window. I said I would take my +hat and go, if I could not be treated with the respect due to my office, +and I did go. It was just like a new author. They always think they +know more than anybody else when they are getting out their first book. +Nobody can tell them anything.</p> + +<p>During the whole time that I was connected with the government it seemed +as if I could not do anything in an official capacity without getting +myself into trouble. And yet I did nothing, attempted nothing, but what +I conceived to be for the good of my country. The sting of my wrongs may +have driven me to unjust and harmful conclusions, but it surely seemed to +me that the Secretary of State, the Secretary of War, the Secretary of +the Treasury, and others of my confrères had conspired from the very +beginning to drive me from the Administration. I never attended but one +Cabinet meeting while I was connected with the government. That was +sufficient for me. The servant at the White House door did not seem +disposed to make way for me until I asked if the other members of the +Cabinet had arrived. He said they had, and I entered. They were all +there; but nobody offered me a seat. They stared at me as if I had been +an intruder. The President said:</p> + +<p>"Well, sir, who are you?"</p> + +<p>I handed him my card, and he read: "The HON. MARK TWAIN, Clerk of the +Senate Committee on Conchology." Then he looked at me from head to foot, +as if he had never heard of me before. The Secretary of the Treasury +said:</p> + +<p>"This is the meddlesome ass that came to recommend me to put poetry and +conundrums in my report, as if it were an almanac."</p> + +<p>The Secretary of War said: "It is the same visionary that came to me +yesterday with a scheme to educate a portion of the Indians to death, +and massacre the balance."</p> + +<p>The Secretary of the Navy said: "I recognize this youth as the person who +has been interfering with my business time and again during the week. He +is distressed about Admiral Farragut's using a whole fleet for a pleasure +excursion, as he terms it. His proposition about some insane pleasure +excursion on a raft is too absurd to repeat."</p> + +<p>I said: "Gentlemen, I perceive here a disposition to throw discredit +upon every act of my official career; I perceive, also, a disposition to +debar me from all voice in the counsels of the nation. No notice +whatever was sent to me to-day. It was only by the merest chance that I +learned that there was going to be a Cabinet meeting. But let these +things pass. All I wish to know is, is this a Cabinet meeting or is it +not?"</p> + +<p>The President said it was.</p> + +<p>"Then," I said, "let us proceed to business at once, and not fritter away +valuable time in unbecoming fault-findings with each other's official +conduct."</p> + +<p>The Secretary of State now spoke up, in his benignant way, and said, +"Young man, you are laboring under a mistake. The clerks of the +Congressional committees are not members of the Cabinet. Neither are the +doorkeepers of the Capitol, strange as it may seem. Therefore, much as +we could desire your more than human wisdom in our deliberations, we +cannot lawfully avail ourselves of it. The counsels of the nation must +proceed without you; if disaster follows, as follow full well it may, be +it balm to your sorrowing spirit that by deed and voice you did what in +you lay to avert it. You have my blessing. Farewell."</p> + +<p>These gentle words soothed my troubled breast, and I went away. But the +servants of a nation can know no peace. I had hardly reached my den in +the Capitol, and disposed my feet on the table like a representative, +when one of the Senators on the Conchological Committee came in in a +passion and said:</p> + +<p>"Where have you been all day?"</p> + +<p>I observed that, if that was anybody's affair but my own, I had been to a +Cabinet meeting.</p> + +<p>"To a Cabinet meeting? I would like to know what business you had at a +Cabinet meeting?"</p> + +<p>I said I went there to consult—allowing for the sake of argument that he +was in any wise concerned in the matter. He grew insolent then, and +ended by saying he had wanted me for three days past to copy a report on +bomb-shells, egg-shells, clamshells, and I don't know what all, connected +with conchology, and nobody had been able to find me.</p> + +<p>This was too much. This was the feather that broke the clerical camel's +back. I said, "Sir, do you suppose that I am going to work for six +dollars a day? If that is the idea, let me recommend the Senate +Committee on Conchology to hire somebody else. I am the slave of no +faction! Take back your degrading commission. Give me liberty, or give +me death!"</p> + +<p>From that hour I was no longer connected with the government. Snubbed by +the department, snubbed by the Cabinet, snubbed at last by the chairman +of a committee I was endeavoring to adorn, I yielded to persecution, cast +far from me the perils and seductions of my great office, and forsook my +bleeding country in the hour of her peril.</p> + +<p>But I had done the state some service, and I sent in my bill:</p> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + + The United States of America in account with</td></tr><tr><td> + the Hon. Clerk of the Senate Committee on Conchology, </td><td>Dr</td></tr><tr><td> + </td></tr><tr><td> + To consultation with Secretary of War </td><td>$50</td></tr><tr><td> + To consultation with Secretary of Navy </td><td>$50</td></tr><tr><td> + To consultation with Secretary of the Treasury </td><td>$50</td></tr><tr><td> + Cabinet consultation </td><td>No charge</td></tr><tr><td> + To mileage to and from Jerusalem, via Egypt,</td></tr><tr><td> + Algiers, Gibraltar, and Cadiz,</td></tr><tr><td> + 14,000 miles, at 20c. a mile </td><td>$2,800</td></tr><tr><td> + To salary as Clerk of Senate Committee</td></tr><tr><td> + on Conchology, six days, at $6 per day </td><td>$36</td></tr><tr><td> + </td></tr><tr><td> + Total </td><td>$2,986</td></tr><tr><td> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<blockquote> +<p>—[Territorial delegates charge mileage both ways, although they never go +back when they get here once. Why my mileage is denied me is more than I +can understand.]</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Not an item of this bill has been paid, except that trifle of thirty-six +dollars for clerkship salary. The Secretary of the Treasury, pursuing me +to the last, drew his pen through all the other items, and simply marked +in the margin "Not allowed." So, the dread alternative is embraced at +last. Repudiation has begun! The nation is lost.</p> + +<p>I am done with official life for the present. Let those clerks who are +willing to be imposed on remain. I know numbers of them in the +departments who are never informed when there is to be a Cabinet meeting, +whose advice is never asked about war, or finance, or commerce, by the +heads of the nation, any more than if they were not connected with the +government, and who actually stay in their offices day after day and +work! They know their importance to the nation, and they unconsciously +show it in their bearing, and the way they order their sustenance at the +restaurant—but they work. I know one who has to paste all sorts of +little scraps from the newspapers into a scrapbook—sometimes as many as +eight or ten scraps a day. He doesn't do it well, but he does it as well +as he can. It is very fatiguing. It is exhausting to the intellect. +Yet he only gets eighteen hundred dollars a year. With a brain like his, +that young man could amass thousands and thousands of dollars in some +other pursuit, if he chose to do it. But no—his heart is with his +country, and he will serve her as long as she has got a scrapbook left. +And I know clerks that don't know how to write very well, but such +knowledge as they possess they nobly lay at the feet of their country, +and toil on and suffer for twenty-five hundred dollars a year. What they +write has to be written over again by other clerks sometimes; but when a +man has done his best for his country, should his country complain? Then +there are clerks that have no clerkships, and are waiting, and waiting, +and waiting for a vacancy—waiting patiently for a chance to help their +country out—and while they are waiting, they only get barely two +thousand dollars a year for it. It is sad—it is very, very sad. When a +member of Congress has a friend who is gifted, but has no employment +wherein his great powers may be brought to bear, he confers him upon his +country, and gives him a clerkship in a department. And there that man +has to slave his life out, fighting documents for the benefit of a nation +that never thinks of him, never sympathizes with him—and all for two +thousand or three thousand dollars a year. When I shall have completed +my list of all the clerks in the several departments, with my statement +of what they have to do, and what they get for it, you will see that +there are not half enough clerks, and that what there are do not get half +enough pay.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="history"></a>HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p271.jpg (103K)" src="images/p271.jpg" height="687" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>The following I find in a Sandwich Island paper which some friend has +sent me from that tranquil far-off retreat. The coincidence between my +own experience and that here set down by the late Mr. Benton is so +remarkable that I cannot forbear publishing and commenting upon the +paragraph. The Sandwich Island paper says:</p> + +<p>How touching is this tribute of the late Hon. T. H. Benton to his +mother's influence:—'My mother asked me never to use tobacco; I have +never touched it from that time to the present day. She asked me not to +gamble, and I have never gambled. I cannot tell who is losing in games +that are being played. She admonished me, too, against liquor-drinking, +and whatever capacity for endurance I have at present, and whatever +usefulness I may have attained through life, I attribute to having +complied with her pious and correct wishes. When I was seven years of +age she asked me not to drink, and then I made a resolution of total +abstinence; and that I have adhered to it through all time I owe to my +mother.'</p> + +<p>I never saw anything so curious. It is almost an exact epitome of my own +moral career—after simply substituting a grandmother for a mother. How +well I remember my grandmother's asking me not to use tobacco, good old +soul! She said, "You're at it again, are you, you whelp? Now don't ever +let me catch you chewing tobacco before breakfast again, or I lay I'll +blacksnake you within an inch of your life!" I have never touched it at +that hour of the morning from that time to the present day.</p> + +<p>She asked me not to gamble. She whispered and said, "Put up those wicked +cards this minute!—two pair and a jack, you numskull, and the other +fellow's got a flush!"</p> + +<p>I never have gambled from that day to this—never once—without a "cold +deck" in my pocket. I cannot even tell who is going to lose in games +that are being played unless I deal myself.</p> + +<p>When I was two years of age she asked me not to drink, and then I made a +resolution of total abstinence. That I have adhered to it and enjoyed +the beneficent effects of it through all time, I owe to my grandmother. +I have never drunk a drop from that day to this of any kind of water.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="curiosity"></a>HONORED AS A CURIOSITY +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p273.jpg (99K)" src="images/p273.jpg" height="884" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>If you get into conversation with a stranger in Honolulu, and experience +that natural desire to know what sort of ground you are treading on by +finding out what manner of man your stranger is, strike out boldly and +address him as "Captain." Watch him narrowly, and if you see by his +countenance that you are on the wrong track, ask him where he preaches. +It is a safe bet that he is either a missionary or captain of a whaler. +I became personally acquainted with seventy-two captains and ninety-six +missionaries. The captains and ministers form one-half of the +population; the third fourth is composed of common Kanakas and mercantile +foreigners and their families; and the final fourth is made up of high +officers of the Hawaiian Government. And there are just about cats +enough for three apiece all around.</p> + +<p>A solemn stranger met me in the suburbs one day, and said:</p> + +<p>"Good morning, your reverence. Preach in the stone church yonder, no +doubt!"</p> + +<p>"No, I don't. I'm not a preacher."</p> + +<p>"Really, I beg your pardon, captain. I trust you had a good season. How +much oil—"</p> + +<p>"Oil! Why, what do you take me for? I'm not a whaler."</p> + +<p>"Oh! I beg a thousand pardons, your Excellency. Major-General in the +household troops, no doubt? Minister of the Interior, likely? Secretary +of War? First Gentleman of the Bedchamber? Commissioner of the Royal—"</p> + +<p>"Stuff, man! I'm not connected in any way with the government."</p> + +<p>"Bless my life! Then who the mischief are you? what the mischief are +you? and how the mischief did you get here? and where in thunder did you +come from?"</p> + +<p>"I'm only a private personage—an unassuming stranger—lately arrived +from America."</p> + +<p>"No! Not a missionary! not a whaler! not a member of his Majesty's +government! not even a Secretary of the Navy! Ah! Heaven! it is too +blissful to be true, alas! I do but dream. And yet that noble, honest +countenance—those oblique, ingenuous eyes—that massive head, incapable +of—of anything; your hand; give me your hand, bright waif. Excuse these +tears. For sixteen weary years I have yearned for a moment like this, +and—"</p> + +<p>Here his feelings were too much for him, and he swooned away. I pitied +this poor creature from the bottom of my heart. I was deeply moved. +I shed a few tears on him, and kissed him for his mother. I then took +what small change he had, and "shoved."</p> + + + + +<br><br> + + +<center> +<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3> +<tr><td> + <a href="p5.htm">Previous Part</a> +</td><td> + <a href="3189-h.htm">Main Index</a> +</td><td> + <a href="p7.htm">Next Part</a> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +</body> +</html> + |