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What sad prominence it +gives to our human disposition to tyrannize over the weak! San Francisco +has little right to take credit to herself for her treatment of this poor +boy. What had the child's education been? How should he suppose it was +wrong to stone a Chinaman? Before we side against him, along with +outraged San Francisco, let us give him a chance—let us hear the +testimony for the defense.</p> + +<p>He was a "well-dressed" boy, and a Sunday-school scholar, and therefore +the chances are that his parents were intelligent, well-to-do people, +with just enough natural villainy in their composition to make them yearn +after the daily papers, and enjoy them; and so this boy had opportunities +to learn all through the week how to do right, as well as on Sunday.</p> + +<p>It was in this way that he found out that the great commonwealth of +California imposes an unlawful mining-tax upon John the foreigner, and +allows Patrick the foreigner to dig gold for nothing—probably because +the degraded Mongol is at no expense for whisky, and the refined Celt +cannot exist without it.</p> + +<p>It was in this way that he found out that a respectable number of the +tax-gatherers—it would be unkind to say all of them—collect the tax +twice, instead of once; and that, inasmuch as they do it solely to +discourage Chinese immigration into the mines, it is a thing that is much +applauded, and likewise regarded as being singularly facetious.</p> + +<p>It was in this way that he found out that when a white man robs a +sluice-box (by the term white man is meant Spaniards, Mexicans, Portuguese, +Irish, Hondurans, Peruvians, Chileans, etc., etc.), they make him leave +the camp; and when a Chinaman does that thing, they hang him.</p> + +<p>It was in this way that he found out that in many districts of the vast +Pacific coast, so strong is the wild, free love of justice in the hearts +of the people, that whenever any secret and mysterious crime is +committed, they say, "Let justice be done, though the heavens fall," and +go straightway and swing a Chinaman.</p> + +<p>It was in this way that he found out that by studying one half of each +day's "local items," it would appear that the police of San Francisco +were either asleep or dead, and by studying the other half it would seem +that the reporters were gone mad with admiration of the energy, the +virtue, the high effectiveness, and the dare-devil intrepidity of that +very police-making exultant mention of how "the Argus-eyed officer +So-and-so" captured a wretched knave of a Chinaman who was stealing +chickens, and brought him gloriously to the city prison; and how "the +gallant officer Such-and-such-a-one" quietly kept an eye on the movements +of an "unsuspecting, almond-eyed son of Confucius" (your reporter is +nothing if not facetious), following him around with that far-off look +of vacancy and unconsciousness always so finely affected by that +inscrutable being, the forty-dollar policeman, during a waking interval, +and captured him at last in the very act of placing his hands in a +suspicious manner upon a paper of tacks, left by the owner in an exposed +situation; and how one officer performed this prodigious thing, and +another officer that, and another the other—and pretty much every one of +these performances having for a dazzling central incident a Chinaman +guilty of a shilling's worth of crime, an unfortunate, whose misdemeanor +must be hurrahed into something enormous in order to keep the public from +noticing how many really important rascals went uncaptured in the mean +time, and how overrated those glorified policemen actually are.</p> + +<p>It was in this way that the boy found out that the legislature, being +aware that the Constitution has made America an asylum for the poor and +the oppressed of all nations, and that, therefore, the poor and oppressed +who fly to our shelter must not be charged a disabling admission fee, +made a law that every Chinaman, upon landing, must be vaccinated upon the +wharf, and pay to the state's appointed officer ten dollars for the +service, when there are plenty of doctors in San Francisco who would be +glad enough to do it for him for fifty cents.</p> + +<p>It was in this way that the boy found out that a Chinaman had no rights +that any man was bound to respect; that he had no sorrows that any man +was bound to pity; that neither his life nor his liberty was worth the +purchase of a penny when a white man needed a scapegoat; that nobody +loved Chinamen, nobody befriended them, nobody spared them suffering when +it was convenient to inflict it; everybody, individuals, communities, the +majesty of the state itself, joined in hating, abusing, and persecuting +these humble strangers.</p> + +<p>And, therefore, what could have been more natural than for this +sunny-hearted-boy, tripping along to Sunday-school, with his mind teeming with +freshly learned incentives to high and virtuous action, to say +to himself:</p> + +<p>"Ah, there goes a Chinaman! God will not love me if I do not stone him."</p> + +<p>And for this he was arrested and put in the city jail.</p> + +<p>Everything conspired to teach him that it was a high and holy thing to +stone a Chinaman, and yet he no sooner attempts to do his duty than he is +punished for it—he, poor chap, who has been aware all his life that one +of the principal recreations of the police, out toward the Gold Refinery, +is to look on with tranquil enjoyment while the butchers of Brannan +Street set their dogs on unoffending Chinamen, and make them flee for +their lives.</p> + +<p>—[I have many such memories in my mind, but am thinking just at present +of one particular one, where the Brannan Street butchers set their dogs +on a Chinaman who was quietly passing with a basket of clothes on his +head; and while the dogs mutilated his flesh, a butcher increased the +hilarity of the occasion by knocking some of the Chinaman's teeth down +his throat with half a brick. This incident sticks in my memory with a +more malevolent tenacity, perhaps, on account of the fact that I was in +the employ of a San Francisco journal at the time, and was not allowed to +publish it because it might offend some of the peculiar element that +subscribed for the paper.]</p> + +<p>Keeping in mind the tuition in the humanities which the entire "Pacific +coast" gives its youth, there is a very sublimity of incongruity in the +virtuous flourish with which the good city fathers of San Francisco +proclaim (as they have lately done) that "The police are positively +ordered to arrest all boys, of every description and wherever found, who +engage in assaulting Chinamen."</p> + +<p>Still, let us be truly glad they have made the order, notwithstanding its +inconsistency; and let us rest perfectly confident the police are glad, +too. Because there is no personal peril in arresting boys, provided they +be of the small kind, and the reporters will have to laud their +performances just as loyally as ever, or go without items.</p> + +<p>The new form for local items in San Francisco will now be: "The +ever-vigilant and efficient officer So-and-so succeeded, yesterday afternoon, +in arresting Master Tommy Jones, after a determined resistance," etc., +etc., followed by the customary statistics and final hurrah, with its +unconscious sarcasm: "We are happy in being able to state that this is +the forty-seventh boy arrested by this gallant officer since the new +ordinance went into effect. The most extraordinary activity prevails in +the police department. Nothing like it has been seen since we can +remember."</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="spirited"></a>THE JUDGE'S "SPIRITED WOMAN" +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p121.jpg (64K)" src="images/p121.jpg" height="399" width="650"> +</center><br><br><br><br> + +<p>"I was sitting here," said the judge, "in this old pulpit, holding court, +and we were trying a big, wicked-looking Spanish desperado for killing +the husband of a bright, pretty Mexican woman. It was a lazy summer day, +and an awfully long one, and the witnesses were tedious. None of us took +any interest in the trial except that nervous, uneasy devil of a Mexican +woman—because you know how they love and how they hate, and this one had +loved her husband with all her might, and now she had boiled it all down +into hate, and stood here spitting it at that Spaniard with her eyes; +and I tell you she would stir me up, too, with a little of her summer +lightning, occasionally. Well, I had my coat off and my heels up, +lolling and sweating, and smoking one of those cabbage cigars the San +Francisco people used to think were good enough for us in those times; +and the lawyers they all had their coats off, and were smoking and +whittling, and the witnesses the same, and so was the prisoner. Well, +the fact is, there warn't any interest in a murder trial then, because +the fellow was always brought in 'not guilty,' the jury expecting him to +do as much for them some time; and, although the evidence was straight +and square against this Spaniard, we knew we could not convict him +without seeming to be rather high-handed and sort of reflecting on every +gentleman in the community; for there warn't any carriages and liveries +then, and so the only 'style' there was, was to keep your private +graveyard. But that woman seemed to have her heart set on hanging that +Spaniard; and you'd ought to have seen how she would glare on him a +minute, and then look up at me in her pleading way, and then turn and for +the next five minutes search the jury's faces, and by and by drop her +face in her hands for just a little while as if she was most ready to +give up; but out she'd come again directly, and be as live and anxious as +ever. But when the jury announced the verdict—Not Guilty—and I told +the prisoner he was acquitted and free to go, that woman rose up till she +appeared to be as tall and grand as a seventy-four-gun ship, and says +she:</p> + +<p>"'Judge, do I understand you to say that this man is not guilty that +murdered my husband without any cause before my own eyes and my little +children's, and that all has been done to him that ever justice and the +law can do?'</p> + +<p>"'The same,' says I.</p> + +<p>"And then what do you reckon she did? Why, she turned on that smirking +Spanish fool like a wildcat, and out with a 'navy' and shot him dead in +open court!"</p> + +<p>"That was spirited, I am willing to admit."</p> + +<p>"Wasn't it, though?" said the judge admiringly.</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I adjourned court right on the +spot, and we put on our coats and went out and took up a collection for +her and her cubs, and sent them over the mountains to their friends. +Ah, she was a spirited wench!"</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="information"></a>INFORMATION WANTED +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p123.jpg (136K)" src="images/p123.jpg" height="873" width="650"> +</center><br><br><br><br> + +<p> + "WASHINGTON, December 10, 1867.</p> + +<p>"Could you give me any information respecting such islands, if any, as +the government is going to purchase?"</p> + +<p>It is an uncle of mine that wants to know. He is an industrious man and +well disposed, and wants to make a living in an honest, humble way, but +more especially he wants to be quiet. He wishes to settle down, and be +quiet and unostentatious. He has been to the new island St. Thomas, but +he says he thinks things are unsettled there. He went there early with +an attache of the State Department, who was sent down with money to pay +for the island. My uncle had his money in the same box, and so when they +went ashore, getting a receipt, the sailors broke open the box and took +all the money, not making any distinction between government money, which +was legitimate money to be stolen, and my uncle's, which was his own +private property, and should have been respected. But he came home and +got some more and went back. And then he took the fever. There are +seven kinds of fever down there, you know; and, as his blood was out of +order by reason of loss of sleep and general wear and tear of mind, he +failed to cure the first fever, and then somehow he got the other six. +He is not a kind of man that enjoys fevers, though he is well meaning and +always does what he thinks is right, and so he was a good deal annoyed +when it appeared he was going to die.</p> + +<p>But he worried through, and got well and started a farm. He fenced it +in, and the next day that great storm came on and washed the most of it +over to Gibraltar, or around there somewhere. He only said, in his +patient way, that it was gone, and he wouldn't bother about trying to +find out where it went to, though it was his opinion it went to +Gibraltar.</p> + +<p>Then he invested in a mountain, and started a farm up there, so as to be +out of the way when the sea came ashore again. It was a good mountain, +and a good farm, but it wasn't any use; an earthquake came the next night +and shook it all down. It was all fragments, you know, and so mixed up +with another man's property that he could not tell which were his +fragments without going to law; and he would not do that, because his +main object in going to St. Thomas was to be quiet. All that he wanted +was to settle down and be quiet.</p> + +<p>He thought it all over, and finally he concluded to try the low ground +again, especially as he wanted to start a brickyard this time. He bought +a flat, and put out a hundred thousand bricks to dry preparatory to +baking them. But luck appeared to be against him. A volcano shoved +itself through there that night, and elevated his brickyard about two +thousand feet in the air. It irritated him a good deal. He has been up +there, and he says the bricks are all baked right enough, but he can't +get them down. At first, he thought maybe the government would get the +bricks down for him, because since government bought the island, it ought +to protect the property where a man has invested in good faith; but all +he wants is quiet, and so he is not going to apply for the subsidy he was +thinking about.</p> + +<p>He went back there last week in a couple of ships of war, to prospect +around the coast for a safe place for a farm where he could be quiet; +but a great "tidal wave" came, and hoisted both of the ships out into one +of the interior counties, and he came near losing his life. So he has +given up prospecting in a ship, and is discouraged.</p> + +<p>Well, now he don't know what to do. He has tried Alaska; but the bears +kept after him so much, and kept him so much on the jump, as it were, +that he had to leave the country. He could not be quiet there with those +bears prancing after him all the time. That is how he came to go to the +new island we have bought—St. Thomas. But he is getting to think St. +Thomas is not quiet enough for a man of his turn of mind, and that is why +he wishes me to find out if government is likely to buy some more islands +shortly. He has heard that government is thinking about buying Porto +Rico. If that is true, he wishes to try Porto Rico, if it is a quiet +place. How is Porto Rico for his style of man? Do you think the +government will buy it?</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="oldboys"></a>SOME LEARNED FABLES, +<br>FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS +<br>IN THREE PARTS +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p126.jpg (111K)" src="images/p126.jpg" height="860" width="650"> +</center><br><br><br><br> + +<center><h3>PART FIRST +<br> +<br>HOW THE ANIMALS OF THE WOOD SENT OUT A SCIENTIFIC EXPEDITION</h3> +</center> + +<p>Once the creatures of the forest held a great convention and appointed a +commission consisting of the most illustrious scientists among them to go +forth, clear beyond the forest and out into the unknown and unexplored +world, to verify the truth of the matters already taught in their schools +and colleges and also to make discoveries. It was the most imposing +enterprise of the kind the nation had ever embarked in. True, the +government had once sent Dr. Bull Frog, with a picked crew, to hunt for a +northwesterly passage through the swamp to the right-hand corner of the +wood, and had since sent out many expeditions to hunt for Dr. Bull Frog; +but they never could find him, and so government finally gave him up and +ennobled his mother to show its gratitude for the services her son had +rendered to science. And once government sent Sir Grass Hopper to hunt +for the sources of the rill that emptied into the swamp; and afterward +sent out many expeditions to hunt for Sir Grass, and at last they were +successful—they found his body, but if he had discovered the sources +meantime, he did not let on. So government acted handsomely by deceased, +and many envied his funeral.</p> + +<p>But these expeditions were trifles compared with the present one; for +this one comprised among its servants the very greatest among the +learned; and besides it was to go to the utterly unvisited regions +believed to lie beyond the mighty forest—as we have remarked before. +How the members were banqueted, and glorified, and talked about! +Everywhere that one of them showed himself, straightway there was a crowd +to gape and stare at him.</p> + +<p>Finally they set off, and it was a sight to see the long procession of +dry-land Tortoises heavily laden with savants, scientific instruments, +Glow-Worms and Fire-Flies for signal service, provisions, Ants and +Tumble-Bugs to fetch and carry and delve, Spiders to carry the surveying +chain and do other engineering duty, and so forth and so on; and after +the Tortoises came another long train of ironclads—stately and spacious +Mud Turtles for marine transportation service; and from every Tortoise +and every Turtle flaunted a flaming gladiolus or other splendid banner; +at the head of the column a great band of Bumble-Bees, Mosquitoes, +Katy-Dids, and Crickets discoursed martial music; and the entire train +was under the escort and protection of twelve picked regiments of the +Army Worm.</p> + +<p>At the end of three weeks the expedition emerged from the forest and +looked upon the great Unknown World. Their eyes were greeted with an +impressive spectacle. A vast level plain stretched before them, watered +by a sinuous stream; and beyond there towered up against the sky a long +and lofty barrier of some kind, they did not know what. The Tumble-Bug +said he believed it was simply land tilted up on its edge, because he +knew he could see trees on it. But Professor Snail and the others said:</p> + +<p>"You are hired to dig, sir—that is all. We need your muscle, not your +brains. When we want your opinion on scientific matters, we will hasten +to let you know. Your coolness is intolerable, too—loafing about here +meddling with august matters of learning, when the other laborers are +pitching camp. Go along and help handle the baggage."</p> + +<p>The Tumble-Bug turned on his heel uncrushed, unabashed, observing to +himself, "If it isn't land tilted up, let me die the death of the +unrighteous."</p> + +<p>Professor Bull Frog (nephew of the late explorer) said he believed the +ridge was the wall that inclosed the earth. He continued:</p> + +<p>"Our fathers have left us much learning, but they had not traveled far, +and so we may count this a noble new discovery. We are safe for renown +now, even though our labors began and ended with this single achievement. +I wonder what this wall is built of? Can it be fungus? Fungus is an +honorable good thing to build a wall of."</p> + +<p>Professor Snail adjusted his field-glass and examined the rampart +critically. Finally he said:</p> + +<p>"'The fact that it is not diaphanous convinces me that it is a dense +vapor formed by the calorification of ascending moisture dephlogisticated +by refraction. A few endiometrical experiments would confirm this, but +it is not necessary. The thing is obvious."</p> + +<p>So he shut up his glass and went into his shell to make a note of the +discovery of the world's end, and the nature of it.</p> + +<p>"Profound mind!" said Professor Angle-Worm to Professor Field-Mouse; +"profound mind! nothing can long remain a mystery to that august brain."</p> + +<p>Night drew on apace, the sentinel crickets were posted, the Glow-Worm and +Fire-Fly lamps were lighted, and the camp sank to silence and sleep. +After breakfast in the morning, the expedition moved on. About noon a +great avenue was reached, which had in it two endless parallel bars of +some kind of hard black substance, raised the height of the tallest Bull +Frog above the general level. The scientists climbed up on these and +examined and tested them in various ways. They walked along them for a +great distance, but found no end and no break in them. They could arrive +at no decision. There was nothing in the records of science that +mentioned anything of this kind. But at last the bald and venerable +geographer, Professor Mud Turtle, a person who, born poor, and of a +drudging low family, had, by his own native force raised himself to the +headship of the geographers of his generation, said:</p> + +<p>"'My friends, we have indeed made a discovery here. We have found in a +palpable, compact, and imperishable state what the wisest of our fathers +always regarded as a mere thing of the imagination. Humble yourselves, +my friends, for we stand in a majestic presence. These are parallels of +latitude!"</p> + +<p>Every heart and every head was bowed, so awful, so sublime was the +magnitude of the discovery. Many shed tears.</p> + +<p>The camp was pitched and the rest of the day given up to writing +voluminous accounts of the marvel, and correcting astronomical tables to +fit it. Toward midnight a demoniacal shriek was heard, then a clattering +and rumbling noise, and the next instant a vast terrific eye shot by, +with a long tail attached, and disappeared in the gloom, still uttering +triumphant shrieks.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p129.jpg (36K)" src="images/p129.jpg" height="489" width="389"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>The poor camp laborers were stricken to the heart with fright, and +stampeded for the high grass in a body. But not the scientists. They +had no superstitions. They calmly proceeded to exchange theories. +The ancient geographer's opinion was asked. He went into his shell and +deliberated long and profoundly. When he came out at last, they all knew +by his worshiping countenance that he brought light. Said he:</p> + +<p>"Give thanks for this stupendous thing which we have been permitted to +witness. It is the Vernal Equinox!"</p> + +<p>There were shoutings and great rejoicings.</p> + +<p>"But," said the Angle-Worm, uncoiling after reflection, "this is dead +summer-time."</p> + +<p>"Very well," said the Turtle, "we are far from our region; the season +differs with the difference of time between the two points."</p> + +<p>"Ah, true. True enough. But it is night. How should the sun pass in +the night?"</p> + +<p>"In these distant regions he doubtless passes always in the night at this +hour."</p> + +<p>"Yes, doubtless that is true. But it being night, how is it that we +could see him?"</p> + +<p>"It is a great mystery. I grant that. But I am persuaded that the +humidity of the atmosphere in these remote regions is such that particles +of daylight adhere to the disk and it was by aid of these that we were +enabled to see the sun in the dark."</p> + +<p>This was deemed satisfactory, and due entry was made of the decision.</p> + +<p>But about this moment those dreadful shriekings were heard again; again +the rumbling and thundering came speeding up out of the night; and once +more a flaming great eye flashed by and lost itself in gloom and +distance.</p> + +<p>The camp laborers gave themselves up for lost. The savants were sorely +perplexed. Here was a marvel hard to account for. They thought and they +talked, they talked and they thought. Finally the learned and aged Lord +Grand-Daddy-Longlegs, who had been sitting in deep study, with his +slender limbs crossed and his stemmy arms folded, said:</p> + +<p>"Deliver your opinions, brethren, and then I will tell my thought—for I +think I have solved this problem."</p> + +<p>"So be it, good your lordship," piped the weak treble of the wrinkled and +withered Professor Woodlouse, "for we shall hear from your lordship's +lips naught but wisdom." [Here the speaker threw in a mess of trite, +threadbare, exasperating quotations from the ancient poets and +philosophers, delivering them with unction in the sounding grandeurs of +the original tongues, they being from the Mastodon, the Dodo, and other +dead languages.] "Perhaps I ought not to presume to meddle with matters +pertaining to astronomy at all, in such a presence as this, I who have +made it the business of my life to delve only among the riches of the +extinct languages and unearth the opulence of their ancient lore; but +still, as unacquainted as I am with the noble science of astronomy, I beg +with deference and humility to suggest that inasmuch as the last of these +wonderful apparitions proceeded in exactly the opposite direction from +that pursued by the first, which you decide to be the Vernal Equinox, +and greatly resembled it in all particulars, is it not possible, nay +certain, that this last is the Autumnal Equi—"</p> + +<p>"O-o-o!" "O-o-o! go to bed! go to bed!" with annoyed derision from +everybody. So the poor old Woodlouse retreated out of sight, consumed +with shame.</p> + +<p>Further discussion followed, and then the united voice of the commission +begged Lord Longlegs to speak. He said:</p> + +<p>"Fellow-scientists, it is my belief that we have witnessed a thing which +has occurred in perfection but once before in the knowledge of created +beings. It is a phenomenon of inconceivable importance and interest, +view it as one may, but its interest to us is vastly heightened by an +added knowledge of its nature which no scholar has heretofore possessed +or even suspected. This great marvel which we have just witnessed, +fellow-savants (it almost takes my breath away), is nothing less than the +transit of Venus!"</p> + +<p>Every scholar sprang to his feet pale with astonishment. Then ensued +tears, handshakings, frenzied embraces, and the most extravagant +jubilations of every sort. But by and by, as emotion began to retire +within bounds, and reflection to return to the front, the accomplished +Chief Inspector Lizard observed:</p> + +<p>"But how is this? Venus should traverse the sun's surface, not the +earth's."</p> + +<p>The arrow went home. It carried sorrow to the breast of every apostle of +learning there, for none could deny that this was a formidable criticism. +But tranquilly the venerable Duke crossed his limbs behind his ears and +said:</p> + +<p>"My friend has touched the marrow of our mighty discovery. Yes—all that +have lived before us thought a transit of Venus consisted of a flight +across the sun's face; they thought it, they maintained it, they honestly +believed it, simple hearts, and were justified in it by the limitations +of their knowledge; but to us has been granted the inestimable boon of +proving that the transit occurs across the earth's face, for we have SEEN +it!"</p> + +<p>The assembled wisdom sat in speechless adoration of this imperial +intellect. All doubts had instantly departed, like night before the +lightning.</p> + +<p>The Tumble-Bug had just intruded, unnoticed. He now came reeling forward +among the scholars, familiarly slapping first one and then another on the +shoulder, saying "Nice ('ic) nice old boy!" and smiling a smile of +elaborate content. Arrived at a good position for speaking, he put his +left arm akimbo with his knuckles planted in his hip just under the edge +of his cut-away coat, bent his right leg, placing his toe on the ground +and resting his heel with easy grace against his left shin, puffed out +his aldermanic stomach, opened his lips, leaned his right elbow on +Inspector Lizard's shoulder, and—</p> + +<p>But the shoulder was indignantly withdrawn and the hard-handed son of +toil went to earth. He floundered a bit, but came up smiling, arranged +his attitude with the same careful detail as before, only choosing +Professor Dogtick's shoulder for a support, opened his lips and—</p> + +<p>Went to earth again. He presently scrambled up once more, still smiling, +made a loose effort to brush the dust off his coat and legs, but a smart +pass of his hand missed entirely, and the force of the unchecked impulse +slewed him suddenly around, twisted his legs together, and projected him, +limber and sprawling, into the lap of the Lord Longlegs. Two or three +scholars sprang forward, flung the low creature head over heels into a +corner, and reinstated the patrician, smoothing his ruffled dignity with +many soothing and regretful speeches. Professor Bull Frog roared out:</p> + +<p>"No more of this, sirrah Tumble-Bug! Say your say and then get you about +your business with speed! Quick—what is your errand? Come move off a +trifle; you smell like a stable; what have you been at?"</p> + +<p>"Please ('ic!) please your worship I chanced to light upon a find. But +no m(e-uck!) matter 'bout that. There's b('ic !) been another find +which—beg pardon, your honors, what was that th('ic!) thing that ripped +by here first?"</p> + +<p>"It was the Vernal Equinox."</p> + +<p>"Inf('ic!)fernal equinox. 'At's all right. D('ic !) Dunno him. What's +other one?"</p> + +<p>"The transit of Venus.</p> + +<p>"G('ic !) Got me again. No matter. Las' one dropped something."</p> + +<p>"Ah, indeed! Good luck! Good news! Quick what is it?"</p> + +<p>"M('ic!) Mosey out 'n' see. It'll pay."</p> + +<p>No more votes were taken for four-and-twenty hours. Then the following +entry was made:</p> + +<p>"The commission went in a body to view the find. It was found to consist +of a hard, smooth, huge object with a rounded summit surmounted by a +short upright projection resembling a section of a cabbage stalk divided +transversely. This projection was not solid, but was a hollow cylinder +plugged with a soft woody substance unknown to our region—that is, it +had been so plugged, but unfortunately this obstruction had been +heedlessly removed by Norway Rat, Chief of the Sappers and Miners, before +our arrival. The vast object before us, so mysteriously conveyed from +the glittering domains of space, was found to be hollow and nearly filled +with a pungent liquid of a brownish hue, like rainwater that has stood +for some time. And such a spectacle as met our view!</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p133.jpg (37K)" src="images/p133.jpg" height="487" width="391"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>Norway Rat was +perched upon the summit engaged in thrusting his tail into the +cylindrical projection, drawing it out dripping, permitting the +struggling multitude of laborers to suck the end of it, then straightway +reinserting it and delivering the fluid to the mob as before. Evidently +this liquor had strangely potent qualities; for all that partook of it +were immediately exalted with great and pleasurable emotions, and went +staggering about singing ribald songs, embracing, fighting, dancing, +discharging irruptions of profanity, and defying all authority. Around +us struggled a massed and uncontrolled mob—uncontrolled and likewise +uncontrollable, for the whole army, down to the very sentinels, were mad +like the rest, by reason of the drink. We were seized upon by these +reckless creatures, and within the hour we, even we, were +undistinguishable from the rest—the demoralization was complete and +universal. In time the camp wore itself out with its orgies and sank +into a stolid and pitiable stupor, in whose mysterious bonds rank was +forgotten and strange bedfellows made, our eyes, at the resurrection, +being blasted and our souls petrified with the incredible spectacle of +that intolerable stinking scavenger, the Tumble-Bug, and the illustrious +patrician my Lord Grand Daddy, Duke of Longlegs, lying soundly steeped in +sleep, and clasped lovingly in each other's arms, the like whereof hath +not been seen in all the ages that tradition compasseth, and doubtless +none shall ever in this world find faith to master the belief of it save +only we that have beheld the damnable and unholy vision. Thus +inscrutable be the ways of God, whose will be done!</p> + +<p>"This day, by order, did the engineer-in-chief, Herr Spider, rig the +necessary tackle for the overturning of the vast reservoir, and so its +calamitous contents were discharged in a torrent upon the thirsty earth, +which drank it up, and now there is no more danger, we reserving but a +few drops for experiment and scrutiny, and to exhibit to the king and +subsequently preserve among the wonders of the museum. What this liquid +is has been determined. It is without question that fierce and most +destructive fluid called lightning. It was wrested, in its container, +from its storehouse in the clouds, by the resistless might of the flying +planet, and hurled at our feet as she sped by. An interesting discovery +here results. Which is, that lightning, kept to itself, is quiescent; it +is the assaulting contact of the thunderbolt that releases it from +captivity, ignites its awful fires, and so produces an instantaneous +combustion and explosion which spread disaster and desolation far and +wide in the earth."</p> + +<p>After another day devoted to rest and recovery, the expedition proceeded +upon its way. Some days later it went into camp in a pleasant part of +the plain, and the savants sallied forth to see what they might find. +Their reward was at hand. Professor Bull Frog discovered a strange tree, +and called his comrades. They inspected it with profound interest. It +was very tall and straight, and wholly devoid of bark, limbs, or foliage. +By triangulation Lord Longlegs determined its altitude; Herr Spider +measured its circumference at the base and computed the circumference at +its top by a mathematical demonstration based upon the warrant furnished +by the uniform degree of its taper upward. It was considered a very +extraordinary find; and since it was a tree of a hitherto unknown +species, Professor Woodlouse gave it a name of a learned sound, being +none other than that of Professor Bull Frog translated into the ancient +Mastodon language, for it had always been the custom with discoverers to +perpetuate their names and honor themselves by this sort of connection +with their discoveries.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p135.jpg (29K)" src="images/p135.jpg" height="489" width="405"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>Now Professor Field-Mouse having placed his sensitive ear to the tree, +detected a rich, harmonious sound issuing from it. This surprising thing +was tested and enjoyed by each scholar in turn, and great was the +gladness and astonishment of all. Professor Woodlouse was requested to +add to and extend the tree's name so as to make it suggest the musical +quality it possessed—which he did, furnishing the addition Anthem +Singer, done into the Mastodon tongue.</p> + +<p>By this time Professor Snail was making some telescopic inspections. +He discovered a great number of these trees, extending in a single rank, +with wide intervals between, as far as his instrument would carry, both +southward and northward. He also presently discovered that all these +trees were bound together, near their tops, by fourteen great ropes, one +above another, which ropes were continuous, from tree to tree, as far as +his vision could reach. This was surprising. Chief Engineer Spider ran +aloft and soon reported that these ropes were simply a web hung there by +some colossal member of his own species, for he could see its prey +dangling here and there from the strands, in the shape of mighty shreds +and rags that had a woven look about their texture and were no doubt the +discarded skins of prodigious insects which had been caught and eaten. +And then he ran along one of the ropes to make a closer inspection, but +felt a smart sudden burn on the soles of his feet, accompanied by a +paralyzing shock, wherefore he let go and swung himself to the earth by a +thread of his own spinning, and advised all to hurry at once to camp, +lest the monster should appear and get as much interested in the savants +as they were in him and his works. So they departed with speed, making +notes about the gigantic web as they went. And that evening the +naturalist of the expedition built a beautiful model of the colossal +spider, having no need to see it in order to do this, because he had +picked up a fragment of its vertebra by the tree, and so knew exactly +what the creature looked like and what its habits and its preferences +were by this simple evidence alone. He built it with a tail, teeth, +fourteen legs, and a snout, and said it ate grass, cattle, pebbles, and +dirt with equal enthusiasm. This animal was regarded as a very precious +addition to science. It was hoped a dead one might be found to stuff. +Professor Woodlouse thought that he and his brother scholars, by lying +hid and being quiet, might maybe catch a live one. He was advised to try +it. Which was all the attention that was paid to his suggestion. The +conference ended with the naming the monster after the naturalist, since +he, after God, had created it.</p> + +<p>"And improved it, mayhap," muttered the Tumble-Bug, who was intruding +again, according to his idle custom and his unappeasable curiosity.</p> + +<p>END OF PART FIRST</p> + + +<br><br><br> + +<center><h3>SOME LEARNED FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS + +<br>PART SECOND + +<br>HOW THE ANIMALS OF THE WOOD COMPLETED THEIR SCIENTIFIC LABORS</h3> +</center> + +<p>A week later the expedition camped in the midst of a collection of +wonderful curiosities. These were a sort of vast caverns of stone that +rose singly and in bunches out of the plain by the side of the river +which they had first seen when they emerged from the forest. These +caverns stood in long, straight rows on opposite sides of broad aisles +that were bordered with single ranks of trees. The summit of each cavern +sloped sharply both ways. Several horizontal rows of great square holes, +obstructed by a thin, shiny, transparent substance, pierced the frontage +of each cavern. Inside were caverns within caverns; and one might ascend +and visit these minor compartments by means of curious winding ways +consisting of continuous regular terraces raised one above another. +There were many huge, shapeless objects in each compartment which were +considered to have been living creatures at one time, though now the thin +brown skin was shrunken and loose, and rattled when disturbed. Spiders +were here in great number, and their cobwebs, stretched in all directions +and wreathing the great skinny dead together, were a pleasant spectacle, +since they inspired with life and wholesome cheer a scene which would +otherwise have brought to the mind only a sense of forsakenness and +desolation. Information was sought of these spiders, but in vain. They +were of a different nationality from those with the expedition, and their +language seemed but a musical, meaningless jargon. They were a timid, +gentle race, but ignorant, and heathenish worshipers of unknown gods. +The expedition detailed a great detachment of missionaries to teach them +the true religion, and in a week's time a precious work had been wrought +among those darkened creatures, not three families being by that time at +peace with each other or having a settled belief in any system of +religion whatever. This encouraged the expedition to establish a colony +of missionaries there permanently, that the work of grace might go on.</p> + +<p>But let us not outrun our narrative. After close examination of the +fronts of the caverns, and much thinking and exchanging of theories, the +scientists determined the nature of these singular formations. They said +that each belonged mainly to the Old Red Sandstone period; that the +cavern fronts rose in innumerable and wonderfully regular strata high in +the air, each stratum about five frog-spans thick, and that in the +present discovery lay an overpowering refutation of all received geology; +for between every two layers of Old Red Sandstone reposed a thin layer of +decomposed limestone; so instead of there having been but one Old Red +Sandstone period there had certainly been not less than a hundred and +seventy-five! And by the same token it was plain that there had also +been a hundred and seventy-five floodings of the earth and depositings of +limestone strata! The unavoidable deduction from which pair of facts was +the overwhelming truth that the world, instead of being only two hundred +thousand years old, was older by millions upon millions of years! And +there was another curious thing: every stratum of Old Red Sandstone was +pierced and divided at mathematically regular intervals by vertical +strata of limestone. Up-shootings of igneous rock through fractures in +water formations were common; but here was the first instance where +water-formed rock had been so projected. It was a great and noble +discovery, and its value to science was considered to be inestimable.</p> + +<p>A critical examination of some of the lower strata demonstrated the +presence of fossil ants and tumble-bugs (the latter accompanied by their +peculiar goods), and with high gratification the fact was enrolled upon +the scientific record; for this was proof that these vulgar laborers +belonged to the first and lowest orders of created beings, though at the +same time there was something repulsive in the reflection that the +perfect and exquisite creature of the modern uppermost order owed its +origin to such ignominious beings through the mysterious law of +Development of Species.</p> + +<p>The Tumble-Bug, overhearing this discussion, said he was willing that the +parvenus of these new times should find what comfort they might in their +wise-drawn theories, since as far as he was concerned he was content to +be of the old first families and proud to point back to his place among +the old original aristocracy of the land.</p> + +<p>"Enjoy your mushroom dignity, stinking of the varnish of yesterday's +veneering, since you like it," said he; "suffice it for the Tumble-Bugs +that they come of a race that rolled their fragrant spheres down the +solemn aisles of antiquity, and left their imperishable works embalmed in +the Old Red Sandstone to proclaim it to the wasting centuries as they +file along the highway of Time!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, take a walk!" said the chief of the expedition, with derision.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p139.jpg (40K)" src="images/p139.jpg" height="485" width="397"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>The summer passed, and winter approached. In and about many of the +caverns were what seemed to be inscriptions. Most of the scientists said +they were inscriptions, a few said they were not. The chief philologist, +Professor Woodlouse, maintained that they were writings, done in a +character utterly unknown to scholars, and in a language equally unknown. +He had early ordered his artists and draftsmen to make facsimiles of all +that were discovered; and had set himself about finding the key to the +hidden tongue. In this work he had followed the method which had always +been used by decipherers previously. That is to say, he placed a number +of copies of inscriptions before him and studied them both collectively +and in detail. To begin with, he placed the following copies together:</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + THE AMERICAN HOTEL. </td><td> MEALS AT ALL HOURS.</td></tr><tr><td> + THE SHADES. </td><td> NO SMOKING.</td></tr><tr><td> + BOATS FOR HIRE CHEAP </td><td> UNION PRAYER MEETING, 4 P.M.</td></tr><tr><td> + BILLIARDS. </td><td> THE WATERSIDE JOURNAL.</td></tr><tr><td> + THE A1 BARBER SHOP. </td><td> TELEGRAPH OFFICE.</td></tr><tr><td> + KEEP OFF THE GRASS. </td><td> TRY BRANDRETH'S PILLS.</td></tr><tr><td> + COTTAGES FOR RENT DURING </td><td>THE WATERING SEASON.</td></tr><tr><td> + FOR SALE CHEAP. </td><td>FOR SALE CHEAP.</td></tr><tr><td> + FOR SALE CHEAP. </td><td>FOR SALE CHEAP.</td></tr><tr><td> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + + +<p>At first it seemed to the professor that this was a sign-language, and +that each word was represented by a distinct sign; further examination +convinced him that it was a written language, and that every letter of +its alphabet was represented by a character of its own; and finally he +decided that it was a language which conveyed itself partly by letters, +and partly by signs or hieroglyphics. This conclusion was forced upon +him by the discovery of several specimens of the following nature:</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p140.jpg (26K)" src="images/p140.jpg" height="227" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>He observed that certain inscriptions were met with in greater frequency +than others. Such as "FOR SALE CHEAP"; "BILLIARDS"; "S. T.—1860—X"; +"KENO"; "ALE ON DRAUGHT." Naturally, then, these must be religious +maxims. But this idea was cast aside by and by, as the mystery of the +strange alphabet began to clear itself. In time, the professor was +enabled to translate several of the inscriptions with considerable +plausibility, though not to the perfect satisfaction of all the scholars. +Still, he made constant and encouraging progress.</p> + +<p>Finally a cavern was discovered with these inscriptions upon it:</p> + + +<center><b> + <big>WATERSIDE MUSEUM.</big><br> + Open at All Hours.<br> + Admission 50 cents.<br> + <big>WONDERFUL COLLECTION OF<br> + WAX-WORKS, ANCIENT FOSSILS,<br> + ETC.</big><br> +</b></center> + + +<p>Professor Woodlouse affirmed that the word "Museum" was equivalent to the +phrase "lumgath molo," or "Burial Place." Upon entering, the scientists +were well astonished. But what they saw may be best conveyed in the +language of their own official report:</p> + +<p>"Erect, in a row, were a sort of rigid great figures which struck us +instantly as belonging to the long extinct species of reptile called MAN, +described in our ancient records. This was a peculiarly gratifying +discovery, because of late times it has become fashionable to regard this +creature as a myth and a superstition, a work of the inventive +imaginations of our remote ancestors. But here, indeed, was Man +perfectly preserved, in a fossil state. And this was his burial place, +as already ascertained by the inscription. And now it began to be +suspected that the caverns we had been inspecting had been his ancient +haunts in that old time that he roamed the earth—for upon the breast of +each of these tall fossils was an inscription in the character heretofore +noticed. One read, 'CAPTAIN KIDD THE PIRATE'; another, 'QUEEN VICTORIA'; +another, 'ABE LINCOLN'; another, 'GEORGE WASHINGTON,' etc.</p> + +<p>"With feverish interest we called for our ancient scientific records to +discover if perchance the description of Man there set down would tally +with the fossils before us. Professor Woodlouse read it aloud in its +quaint and musty phraseology, to wit:</p> + +<p>"'In ye time of our fathers Man still walked ye earth, as by tradition we +know. It was a creature of exceeding great size, being compassed about +with a loose skin, sometimes of one color, sometimes of many, the which +it was able to cast at will; which being done, the hind legs were +discovered to be armed with short claws like to a mole's but broader, and +ye forelegs with fingers of a curious slimness and a length much more +prodigious than a frog's, armed also with broad talons for scratching in +ye earth for its food. It had a sort of feathers upon its head such as +hath a rat, but longer, and a beak suitable for seeking its food by ye +smell thereof. When it was stirred with happiness, it leaked water from +its eyes; and when it suffered or was sad, it manifested it with a +horrible hellish cackling clamor that was exceeding dreadful to hear and +made one long that it might rend itself and perish, and so end its +troubles. Two Mans being together, they uttered noises at each other +like this: "Haw-haw-haw—dam good, dam good," together with other sounds +of more or less likeness to these, wherefore ye poets conceived that they +talked, but poets be always ready to catch at any frantic folly, God he +knows. Sometimes this creature goeth about with a long stick ye which it +putteth to its face and bloweth fire and smoke through ye same with a +sudden and most damnable bruit and noise that doth fright its prey to +death, and so seizeth it in its talons and walketh away to its habitat, +consumed with a most fierce and devilish joy.'</p> + +<p>"Now was the description set forth by our ancestors wonderfully indorsed +and confirmed by the fossils before us, as shall be seen. The specimen +marked 'Captain Kidd' was examined in detail. Upon its head and part of +its face was a sort of fur like that upon the tail of a horse. With +great labor its loose skin was removed, whereupon its body was discovered +to be of a polished white texture, thoroughly petrified. The straw it +had eaten, so many ages gone by, was still in its body, undigested—and +even in its legs.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p142.jpg (40K)" src="images/p142.jpg" height="503" width="395"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>"Surrounding these fossils were objects that would mean nothing to the +ignorant, but to the eye of science they were a revelation. They laid +bare the secrets of dead ages. These musty Memorials told us when Man +lived, and what were his habits. For here, side by side with Man, were +the evidences that he had lived in the earliest ages of creation, the +companion of the other low orders of life that belonged to that forgotten +time. Here was the fossil nautilus that sailed the primeval seas; here +was the skeleton of the mastodon, the ichthyosaurus, the cave-bear, the +prodigious elk. Here, also, were the charred bones of some of these +extinct animals and of the young of Man's own species, split lengthwise, +showing that to his taste the marrow was a toothsome luxury. It was +plain that Man had robbed those bones of their contents, since no +toothmark of any beast was upon them albeit the Tumble-Bug intruded the remark +that 'no beast could mark a bone with its teeth, anyway.' Here were +proofs that Man had vague, groveling notions of art; for this fact was +conveyed by certain things marked with the untranslatable words, 'FLINT +HATCHETS, KNIVES, ARROW-HEADS, AND BONE ORNAMENTS OF PRIMEVAL MAN.' +Some of these seemed to be rude weapons chipped out of flint, and in a +secret place was found some more in process of construction, with this +untranslatable legend, on a thin, flimsy material, lying by:</p> + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<br> "'Jones, if you don't want to be discharged from the Musseum, make + the next primeaveal weppons more careful—you couldn't even fool one + of these sleepy old syentific grannys from the Coledge with the last + ones. And mind you the animles you carved on some of the Bone + Ornaments is a blame sight too good for any primeaveal man that was + ever fooled.—Varnum, Manager.' +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<p>"Back of the burial place was a mass of ashes, showing that Man always +had a feast at a funeral—else why the ashes in such a place; and +showing, also, that he believed in God and the immortality of the soul +—else why these solemn ceremonies?</p> + +<p>"To, sum up. We believe that Man had a written language. We know that +he indeed existed at one time, and is not a myth; also, that he was the +companion of the cave-bear, the mastodon, and other extinct species; that +he cooked and ate them and likewise the young of his own kind; also, that +he bore rude weapons, and knew something of art; that he imagined he had +a soul, and pleased himself with the fancy that it was immortal. But let +us not laugh; there may be creatures in existence to whom we and our +vanities and profundities may seem as ludicrous."</p> + +<p>END OF PART SECOND</p> +<br><br><br> + + + +<center><h3>SOME LEARNED FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS +</h3></center> + +<br> + +<center><img alt="p144.jpg (37K)" src="images/p144.jpg" height="609" width="579"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + + +<center><h3>PART THIRD</h3></center> + +<p>Near the margin of the great river the scientists presently found a huge, +shapely stone, with this inscription:</p> + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<br> "In 1847, in the spring, the river overflowed its banks and covered + the whole township. The depth was from two to six feet. More than + 900 head of cattle were lost, and many homes destroyed. The Mayor + ordered this memorial to be erected to perpetuate the event. God + spare us the repetition of it!" +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<p>With infinite trouble, Professor Woodlouse succeeded in making a +translation of this inscription, which was sent home, and straightway an +enormous excitement was created about it. It confirmed, in a remarkable +way, certain treasured traditions of the ancients. The translation was +slightly marred by one or two untranslatable words, but these did not +impair the general clearness of the meaning. It is here presented:</p> + +<blockquote><blockquote><br> + "One thousand eight hundred and forty-seven years ago, the (fires?) + descended and consumed the whole city. Only some nine hundred souls + were saved, all others destroyed. The (king?) commanded this stone + to be set up to . . . (untranslatable) . . . prevent the + repetition of it." +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<p>This was the first successful and satisfactory translation that had been +made of the mysterious character left behind him by extinct man, and it +gave Professor Woodlouse such reputation that at once every seat of +learning in his native land conferred a degree of the most illustrious +grade upon him, and it was believed that if he had been a soldier and had +turned his splendid talents to the extermination of a remote tribe of +reptiles, the king would have ennobled him and made him rich. And this, +too, was the origin of that school of scientists called Manologists, +whose specialty is the deciphering of the ancient records of the extinct +bird termed Man. [For it is now decided that Man was a bird and not a +reptile.] But Professor Woodlouse began and remained chief of these, for +it was granted that no translations were ever so free from error as his. +Others made mistakes—he seemed incapable of it. Many a memorial of the +lost race was afterward found, but none ever attained to the renown and +veneration achieved by the "Mayoritish Stone" it being so called from the +word "Mayor" in it, which, being translated "King," "Mayoritish Stone" +was but another way of saying "King Stone."</p> + +<p>Another time the expedition made a great "find." It was a vast round +flattish mass, ten frog-spans in diameter and five or six high. +Professor Snail put on his spectacles and examined it all around, and +then climbed up and inspected the top. He said:</p> + +<p>"The result of my perlustration and perscontation of this isoperimetrical +protuberance is a belief at it is one of those rare and wonderful +creations left by the Mound Builders. The fact that this one is +lamellibranchiate in its formation, simply adds to its interest as being +possibly of a different kind from any we read of in the records of +science, but yet in no manner marring its authenticity. Let the +megalophonous grasshopper sound a blast and summon hither the perfunctory +and circumforaneous Tumble-Bug, to the end that excavations may be made +and learning gather new treasures."</p> + +<p>Not a Tumble-Bug could be found on duty, so the Mound was excavated by a +working party of Ants. Nothing was discovered. This would have been a +great disappointment, had not the venerable Longlegs explained the +matter. He said:</p> + +<p>"It is now plain to me that the mysterious and forgotten race of Mound +Builders did not always erect these edifices as mausoleums, else in this +case, as in all previous cases, their skeletons would be found here, +along with the rude implements which the creatures used in life. Is not +this manifest?"</p> + +<p>"True! true!" from everybody.</p> + +<p>"Then we have made a discovery of peculiar value here; a discovery which +greatly extends our knowledge of this creature in place of diminishing +it; a discovery which will add luster to the achievements of this +expedition and win for us the commendations of scholars everywhere. +For the absence of the customary relics here means nothing less than +this: The Mound Builder, instead of being the ignorant, savage reptile we +have been taught to consider him, was a creature of cultivation and high +intelligence, capable of not only appreciating worthy achievements of the +great and noble of his species, but of commemorating them! +Fellow-scholars, this stately Mound is not a sepulcher, it is a monument!"</p> + +<p>A profound impression was produced by this.</p> + +<p>But it was interrupted by rude and derisive laughter—and the Tumble-Bug +appeared.</p> + +<p>"A monument!" quoth he. "A monument setup by a Mound Builder! Aye, so +it is! So it is, indeed, to the shrewd keen eye of science; but to an +ignorant poor devil who has never seen a college, it is not a Monument, +strictly speaking, but is yet a most rich and noble property; and with +your worship's good permission I will proceed to manufacture it into +spheres of exceeding grace and—"</p> + +<p>The Tumble-Bug was driven away with stripes, and the draftsmen of the +expedition were set to making views of the Monument from different +standpoints, while Professor Woodlouse, in a frenzy of scientific zeal, +traveled all over it and all around it hoping to find an inscription. +But if there had ever been one, it had decayed or been removed by some +vandal as a relic.</p> + +<p>The views having been completed, it was now considered safe to load the +precious Monument itself upon the backs of four of the largest Tortoises +and send it home to the king's museum, which was done; and when it +arrived it was received with enormous éclat and escorted to its future +abiding-place by thousands of enthusiastic citizens, King Bullfrog XVI. +himself attending and condescending to sit enthroned upon it throughout +the progress.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><img alt="p147.jpg (40K)" src="images/p147.jpg" height="489" width="389"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>The growing rigor of the weather was now admonishing the scientists to +close their labors for the present, so they made preparations to journey +homeward. But even their last day among the Caverns bore fruit; for one +of the scholars found in an out-of-the-way corner of the Museum or +"Burial Place" a most strange and extraordinary thing. It was nothing +less than a double Man-Bird lashed together breast to breast by a natural +ligament, and labeled with the untranslatable words, "Siamese Twins." +The official report concerning this thing closed thus:</p> + +<p>"Wherefore it appears that there were in old times two distinct species +of this majestic fowl, the one being single and the other double. Nature +has a reason for all things. It is plain to the eye of science that the +Double-Man originally inhabited a region where dangers abounded; hence he +was paired together to the end that while one part slept the other might +watch; and likewise that, danger being discovered, there might always be +a double instead of a single power to oppose it. All honor to the +mystery-dispelling eye of godlike Science!"</p> + +<p>And near the Double Man-Bird was found what was plainly an ancient record +of his, marked upon numberless sheets of a thin white substance and bound +together. Almost the first glance that Professor Woodlouse threw into it +revealed this following sentence, which he instantly translated and laid +before the scientists, in a tremble, and it uplifted every soul there +with exultation and astonishment:</p> + +<p>"In truth it is believed by many that the lower animals reason and talk +together."</p> + +<p>When the great official report of the expedition appeared, the above +sentence bore this comment:</p> + +<p>"Then there are lower animals than Man! This remarkable passage can mean +nothing else. Man himself is extinct, but they may still exist. What +can they be? Where do they inhabit? One's enthusiasm bursts all bounds +in the contemplation of the brilliant field of discovery and +investigation here thrown open to science. We close our labors with the +humble prayer that your Majesty will immediately appoint a commission and +command it to rest not nor spare expense until the search for this +hitherto unsuspected race of the creatures of God shall be crowned with +success."</p> + +<p>The expedition then journeyed homeward after its long absence and its +faithful endeavors, and was received with a mighty ovation by the whole +grateful country. There were vulgar, ignorant carpers, of course, as +there always are and always will be; and naturally one of these was the +obscene Tumble-Bug. He said that all he had learned by his travels was +that science only needed a spoonful of supposition to build a mountain of +demonstrated fact out of; and that for the future he meant to be content +with the knowledge that nature had made free to all creatures and not go +prying into the august secrets of the Deity.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="senatorial"></a>MY LATE SENATORIAL SECRETARYSHIP</h2></center> +<br> +<center><h3>[written about 1867]</h3></center> +<br> + +<p>I am not a private secretary to a senator any more now. I held the +berth two months in security and in great cheerfulness of spirit, but my +bread began to return from over the waters then—that is to say, my works +came back and revealed themselves. I judged it best to resign. The way +of it was this. My employer sent for me one morning tolerably early, +and, as soon as I had finished inserting some conundrums clandestinely +into his last great speech upon finance, I entered the presence. There +was something portentous in his appearance. His cravat was untied, his +hair was in a state of disorder, and his countenance bore about it the +signs of a suppressed storm. He held a package of letters in his tense +grasp, and I knew that the dreaded Pacific mail was in. He said:</p> + +<p>"I thought you were worthy of confidence."</p> + +<p>I said, "Yes, sir."</p> + +<p>He said, "I gave you a letter from certain of my constituents in the +State of Nevada, asking the establishment of a post-office at Baldwin's +Ranch, and told you to answer it, as ingeniously as you could, with +arguments which should persuade them that there was no real necessity for +an office at that place."</p> + +<p>I felt easier. "Oh, if that is all, sir, I did do that."</p> + +<p>"Yes, you did. I will read your answer for your own humiliation:</p> + + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<br> 'WASHINGTON, Nov. 24 +<br><br> 'Messrs. Smith, Jones, and others. +<br><br> + 'GENTLEMEN: What the mischief do you suppose you want with a + post-office at Baldwin's Ranch? It would not do you any good. + If any letters came there, you couldn't read them, you know; and, + besides, such letters as ought to pass through, with money in them, + for other localities, would not be likely to get through, you must + perceive at once; and that would make trouble for us all. No, don't + bother about a post-office in your camp. I have your best interests + at heart, and feel that it would only be an ornamental folly. What + you want is a nice jail, you know—a nice, substantial jail and a + free school. These will be a lasting benefit to you. These will + make you really contented and happy. I will move in the matter at + once. +<br><br> 'Very truly, etc., +<br> Mark Twain, +<br><br> 'For James W. N———, U. S. Senator.' +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<p>"That is the way you answered that letter. Those people say they will +hang me, if I ever enter that district again; and I am perfectly +satisfied they will, too."</p> + +<p>"Well, sir, I did not know I was doing any harm. I only wanted to +convince them."</p> + +<p>"Ah. Well, you did convince them, I make no manner of doubt. Now, here +is another specimen. I gave you a petition from certain gentlemen of +Nevada, praying that I would get a bill through Congress incorporating +the Methodist Episcopal Church of the State of Nevada. I told you to +say, in reply, that the creation of such a law came more properly within +the province of the state legislature; and to endeavor to show them that, +in the present feebleness of the religious element in that new +commonwealth, the expediency of incorporating the church was +questionable. What did you write?</p> + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<br> "'WASHINGTON, Nov. 24. + +<br><br> "'Rev. John Halifax and others. + +<br><br> "'GENTLEMEN: You will have to go to the state legislature about that + speculation of yours—Congress don't know anything about religion. + But don't you hurry to go there, either; because this thing you + propose to do out in that new country isn't expedient—in fact, it + is ridiculous. Your religious people there are too feeble, in + intellect, in morality, in piety in everything, pretty much. You + had better drop this—you can't make it work. You can't issue stock + on an incorporation like that—or if you could, it would only keep + you in trouble all the time. The other denominations would abuse + it, and "bear" it, and "sell it short," and break it down. They + would do with it just as they would with one of your silver-mines + out there—they would try to make all the world believe it was + "wildcat." You ought not to do anything that is calculated to bring + a sacred thing into disrepute. You ought to be ashamed of + yourselves—that is what I think about it. You close your petition + with the words: "And we will ever pray." I think you had better—you + need to do it. +<br><br> "'Very truly, etc., +<br> "'MARK TWAIN, +<br><br> "'For James W. N——-, U. S. Senator.' +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<p> +"That luminous epistle finishes me with the religious element among my +constituents. But that my political murder might be made sure, some evil +instinct prompted me to hand you this memorial from the grave company of +elders composing the board of aldermen of the city of San Francisco, to +try your hand upon—a memorial praying that the city's right to the +water-lots upon the city front might be established by law of Congress. +I told you this was a dangerous matter to move in. I told you to write a +non-committal letter to the aldermen—an ambiguous letter—a letter that +should avoid, as far as possible, all real consideration and discussion +of the water-lot question. If there is any feeling left in you—any +shame—surely this letter you wrote, in obedience to that order, ought to +evoke it, when its words fall upon your ears:</p> + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<br> 'WASHINGTON, Nov. 27 + +<br><br> 'The Honorable Board of Aldermen, etc. + +<br><br> 'GENTLEMEN: George Washington, the revered Father of his Country, + is dead. His long and brilliant career is closed, alas! forever. + He was greatly respected in this section of the country, and his + untimely decease cast a gloom over the whole community. He died on + the 14th day of December, 1799. He passed peacefully away from the + scene of his honors and his great achievements, the most lamented + hero and the best beloved that ever earth hath yielded unto Death. + At such a time as this, you speak of water-lots! what a lot was his! + +<br><br> 'What is fame! Fame is an accident. Sir Isaac Newton discovered + an apple falling to the ground—a trivial discovery, truly, and one + which a million men had made before him—but his parents were + influential, and so they tortured that small circumstance into + something wonderful, and, lo! the simple world took up the shout + and, in almost the twinkling of an eye, that man was famous. + Treasure these thoughts. + +<br><br> 'Poesy, sweet poesy, who shall estimate what the world owes to + thee! + +<br><br> "Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as <br> + snow—And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."<br> +</blockquote></blockquote> + <center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<br> "Jack and Gill went up the hill +<br> To draw a pail of water; +<br> Jack fell down and broke his crown, +<br> And Gill came tumbling after." + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> +<blockquote><blockquote> + +<br><br> 'For simplicity, elegance of diction, and freedom from immoral + tendencies, I regard those two poems in the light of gems. They + are suited to all grades of intelligence, to every sphere of life + —to the field, to the nursery, to the guild. Especially should + no Board of Aldermen be without them. + +<br><br> 'Venerable fossils! write again. Nothing improves one so much as + friendly correspondence. Write again—and if there is anything in + this memorial of yours that refers to anything in particular, do + not be backward about explaining it. We shall always be happy to + hear you chirp. +<br><br> 'Very truly, etc., +<br> "'MARK TWAIN, +<br><br> 'For James W. N——-, U. S. Senator.' +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<p> +"That is an atrocious, a ruinous epistle! Distraction!"</p> + +<p>"Well, sir, I am really sorry if there is anything wrong about +it—but—but it appears to me to dodge the water-lot question."</p> + +<p>"Dodge the mischief! Oh!—but never mind. As long as destruction must +come now, let it be complete. Let it be complete—let this last of your +performances, which I am about to read, make a finality of it. I am a +ruined man. I had my misgivings when I gave you the letter from +Humboldt, asking that the post route from Indian Gulch to Shakespeare Gap +and intermediate points be changed partly to the old Mormon trail. But I +told you it was a delicate question, and warned you to deal with it +deftly—to answer it dubiously, and leave them a little in the dark. +And your fatal imbecility impelled you to make this disastrous reply. +I should think you would stop your ears, if you are not dead to all +shame:</p> + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<br> + "'WASHINGTON, Nov. 30. + +<br><br> "'Messers. Perkins, Wagner, et at. + +<br><br> "'GENTLEMEN: It is a delicate question about this Indian trail, but, + handled with proper deftness and dubiousness, I doubt not we shall + succeed in some measure or otherwise, because the place where the + route leaves the Lassen Meadows, over beyond where those two Shawnee + chiefs, Dilapidated Vengeance and Biter-of-the-Clouds, were scalped + last winter, this being the favorite direction to some, but others + preferring something else in consequence of things, the Mormon trail + leaving Mosby's at three in the morning, and passing through Jawbone + Flat to Blucher, and then down by Jug-Handle, the road passing + to the right of it, and naturally leaving it on the right, too, and + Dawson's on the left of the trail where it passes to the left of + said Dawson's and onward thence to Tomahawk, thus making the route + cheaper, easier of access to all who can get at it, and compassing + all the desirable objects so considered by others, and, therefore, + conferring the most good upon the greatest number, and, + consequently, I am encouraged to hope we shall. However, I shall be + ready, and happy, to afford you still further information upon the + subject, from time to time, as you may desire it and the Post-office + Department be enabled to furnish it to me. +<br><br> "'Very truly, etc., +<br> "'MARK TWAIN, +<br><br> "'For James W. N——-, U. S. Senator.' +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<p> +"There—now what do you think of that?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I don't know, sir. It—well, it appears to me—to be dubious +enough."</p> + +<p>"Du—leave the house! I am a ruined man. Those Humboldt savages never +will forgive me for tangling their brains up with this inhuman letter. +I have lost the respect of the Methodist Church, the board of aldermen—"</p> + +<p>"Well, I haven't anything to say about that, because I may have missed it +a little in their cases, but I was too many for the Baldwin's Ranch +people, General!"</p> + +<p>"Leave the house! Leave it forever and forever, too."</p> + +<p>I regarded that as a sort of covert intimation that my service could be +dispensed with, and so I resigned. I never will be a private secretary +to a senator again. You can't please that kind of people. They don't +know anything. They can't appreciate a party's efforts.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="fashion"></a>A FASHION ITEM</h2></center> +<br> +<center><h3>[written about 1867]</h3></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p153.jpg (136K)" src="images/p153.jpg" height="873" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>At General G——'s reception the other night, the most fashionably +dressed lady was Mrs. G. C. She wore a pink satin dress, plain in front +but with a good deal of rake to it—to the train, I mean; it was said to +be two or three yards long. One could see it creeping along the floor +some little time after the woman was gone. Mrs. C. wore also a white +bodice, cut bias, with Pompadour sleeves, flounced with ruches; low neck, +with the inside handkerchief not visible, with white kid gloves. She had +on a pearl necklace, which glinted lonely, high up the midst of that +barren waste of neck and shoulders. Her hair was frizzled into a tangled +chaparral, forward of her ears, aft it was drawn together, and compactly +bound and plaited into a stump like a pony's tail, and furthermore was +canted upward at a sharp angle, and ingeniously supported by a red velvet +crupper, whose forward extremity was made fast with a half-hitch around a +hairpin on the top of her head. Her whole top hamper was neat and +becoming. She had a beautiful complexion when she first came, but it +faded out by degrees in an unaccountable way. However, it is not lost +for good. I found the most of it on my shoulder afterward. (I stood +near the door when she squeezed out with the throng.) There were other +ladies present, but I only took notes of one as a specimen. I would +gladly enlarge upon the subject were I able to do it justice.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="riley"></a>RILEY—NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p154.jpg (100K)" src="images/p154.jpg" height="917" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>One of the best men in Washington—or elsewhere—is RILEY, correspondent +of one of the great San Francisco dailies.</p> + +<p>Riley is full of humor, and has an unfailing vein of irony, which makes +his conversation to the last degree entertaining (as long as the remarks +are about somebody else). But notwithstanding the possession of these +qualities, which should enable a man to write a happy and an appetizing +letter, Riley's newspaper letters often display a more than earthly +solemnity, and likewise an unimaginative devotion to petrified facts, +which surprise and distress all men who know him in his unofficial +character. He explains this curious thing by saying that his employers +sent him to Washington to write facts, not fancy, and that several times +he has come near losing his situation by inserting humorous remarks +which, not being looked for at headquarters, and consequently not +understood, were thought to be dark and bloody speeches intended to +convey signals and warnings to murderous secret societies, or something +of that kind, and so were scratched out with a shiver and a prayer and +cast into the stove. Riley says that sometimes he is so afflicted with +a yearning to write a sparkling and absorbingly readable letter that he +simply cannot resist it, and so he goes to his den and revels in the +delight of untrammeled scribbling; and then, with suffering such as only +a mother can know, he destroys the pretty children of his fancy and +reduces his letter to the required dismal accuracy. Having seen Riley do +this very thing more than once, I know whereof I speak. Often I have +laughed with him over a happy passage, and grieved to see him plow his +pen through it. He would say, "I had to write that or die; and I've got +to scratch it out or starve. They wouldn't stand it, you know."</p> + +<p>I think Riley is about the most entertaining company I ever saw. We +lodged together in many places in Washington during the winter of '67-8, +moving comfortably from place to place, and attracting attention by +paying our board—a course which cannot fail to make a person conspicuous +in Washington. Riley would tell all about his trip to California in the +early days, by way of the Isthmus and the San Juan River; and about his +baking bread in San Francisco to gain a living, and setting up tenpins, +and practising law, and opening oysters, and delivering lectures, and +teaching French, and tending bar, and reporting for the newspapers, and +keeping dancing-schools, and interpreting Chinese in the courts—which +latter was lucrative, and Riley was doing handsomely and laying up a +little money when people began to find fault because his translations +were too "free," a thing for which Riley considered he ought not to be +held responsible, since he did not know a word of the Chinese tongue, and +only adopted interpreting as a means of gaining an honest livelihood. +Through the machinations of enemies he was removed from the position of +official interpreter, and a man put in his place who was familiar with +the Chinese language, but did not know any English. And Riley used to +tell about publishing a newspaper up in what is Alaska now, but was only +an iceberg then, with a population composed of bears, walruses, Indians, +and other animals; and how the iceberg got adrift at last, and left all +his paying subscribers behind, and as soon as the commonwealth floated +out of the jurisdiction of Russia the people rose and threw off their +allegiance and ran up the English flag, calculating to hook on and become +an English colony as they drifted along down the British Possessions; but +a land breeze and a crooked current carried them by, and they ran up the +Stars and Stripes and steered for California, missed the connection again +and swore allegiance to Mexico, but it wasn't any use; the anchors came +home every time, and away they went with the northeast trades drifting +off sideways toward the Sandwich Islands, whereupon they ran up the +Cannibal flag and had a grand human barbecue in honor of it, in which it +was noticed that the better a man liked a friend the better he enjoyed +him; and as soon as they got fairly within the tropics the weather got so +fearfully hot that the iceberg began to melt, and it got so sloppy under +foot that it was almost impossible for ladies to get about at all; and at +last, just as they came in sight of the islands, the melancholy remnant +of the once majestic iceberg canted first to one side and then to the +other, and then plunged under forever, carrying the national archives +along with it—and not only the archives and the populace, but some +eligible town lots which had increased in value as fast as they +diminished in size in the tropics, and which Riley could have sold at +thirty cents a pound and made himself rich if he could have kept the +province afloat ten hours longer and got her into port.</p> + +<p>Riley is very methodical, untiringly accommodating, never forgets +anything that is to be attended to, is a good son, a stanch friend, and a +permanent reliable enemy. He will put himself to any amount of trouble +to oblige a body, and therefore always has his hands full of things to be +done for the helpless and the shiftless. And he knows how to do nearly +everything, too. He is a man whose native benevolence is a well-spring +that never goes dry. He stands always ready to help whoever needs help, +as far as he is able—and not simply with his money, for that is a cheap +and common charity, but with hand and brain, and fatigue of limb and +sacrifice of time. This sort of men is rare.</p> + +<p>Riley has a ready wit, a quickness and aptness at selecting and applying +quotations, and a countenance that is as solemn and as blank as the back +side of a tombstone when he is delivering a particularly exasperating +joke. One night a negro woman was burned to death in a house next door +to us, and Riley said that our landlady would be oppressively emotional +at breakfast, because she generally made use of such opportunities as +offered, being of a morbidly sentimental turn, and so we should find it +best to let her talk along and say nothing back—it was the only way to +keep her tears out of the gravy. Riley said there never was a funeral in +the neighborhood but that the gravy was watery for a week.</p> + +<p>And, sure enough, at breakfast the landlady was down in the very sloughs +of woe—entirely brokenhearted. Everything she looked at reminded her of +that poor old negro woman, and so the buckwheat cakes made her sob, the +coffee forced a groan, and when the beefsteak came on she fetched a wail +that made our hair rise. Then she got to talking about deceased, and +kept up a steady drizzle till both of us were soaked through and through. +Presently she took a fresh breath and said, with a world of sobs:</p> + +<p>"Ah, to think of it, only to think of it!—the poor old faithful +creature. For she was so faithful. Would you believe it, she had been a +servant in that selfsame house and that selfsame family for twenty seven +years come Christmas, and never a cross word and never a lick! And, oh, +to think she should meet such a death at last!—a-sitting over the red +hot stove at three o'clock in the morning and went to sleep and fell on +it and was actually roasted! Not just frizzled up a bit, but literally +roasted to a crisp! Poor faithful creature, how she was cooked! I am +but a poor woman, but even if I have to scrimp to do it, I will put up a +tombstone over that lone sufferer's grave—and Mr. Riley if you would +have the goodness to think up a little epitaph to put on it which would +sort of describe the awful way in which she met her—"</p> + +<p>"Put it, 'Well done, good and faithful servant,'" said Riley, and never +smiled.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="oldman"></a>A FINE OLD MAN +</h2></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p158.jpg (97K)" src="images/p158.jpg" height="841" width="650"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>John Wagner, the oldest man in Buffalo—one hundred and four years +old—recently walked a mile and a half in two weeks.</p> + +<p>He is as cheerful and bright as any of these other old men that charge +around so persistently and tiresomely in the newspapers, and in every way +as remarkable.</p> + +<p>Last November he walked five blocks in a rainstorm, without any shelter +but an umbrella, and cast his vote for Grant, remarking that he had voted +for forty-seven presidents—which was a lie.</p> + +<p>His "second crop" of rich brown hair arrived from New York yesterday, and +he has a new set of teeth coming from—Philadelphia.</p> + +<p>He is to be married next week to a girl one hundred and two years old, +who still takes in washing.</p> + +<p>They have been engaged eighty years, but their parents persistently +refused their consent until three days ago.</p> + +<p>John Wagner is two years older than the Rhode Island veteran, and yet has +never tasted a drop of liquor in his life—unless—unless you count +whisky.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><h2><a name="science"></a>SCIENCE V.S. LUCK</h2></center> +<br> +<center><h3>[written about 1867]</h3></center> +<br> + +<center><img alt="p159.jpg (54K)" src="images/p159.jpg" height="389" width="650"> +</center><br><br><br><br> + +<p>At that time, in Kentucky (said the Hon. Mr. K——-); the law was very +strict against what is termed "games of chance." About a dozen of the +boys were detected playing "seven up" or "old sledge" for money, and the +grand jury found a true bill against them. Jim Sturgis was retained to +defend them when the case came up, of course. The more he studied over +the matter, and looked into the evidence, the plainer it was that he must +lose a case at last—there was no getting around that painful fact. +Those boys had certainly been betting money on a game of chance. Even +public sympathy was roused in behalf of Sturgis. People said it was a +pity to see him mar his successful career with a big prominent case like +this, which must go against him.</p> + +<p>But after several restless nights an inspired idea flashed upon Sturgis, +and he sprang out of bed delighted. He thought he saw his way through. +The next day he whispered around a little among his clients and a few +friends, and then when the case came up in court he acknowledged the +seven-up and the betting, and, as his sole defense, had the astounding +effrontery to put in the plea that old sledge was not a game of chance! +There was the broadest sort of a smile all over the faces of that +sophisticated audience. The judge smiled with the rest. But Sturgis +maintained a countenance whose earnestness was even severe. The opposite +counsel tried to ridicule him out of his position, and did not succeed. +The judge jested in a ponderous judicial way about the thing, but did not +move him. The matter was becoming grave. The judge lost a little of his +patience, and said the joke had gone far enough. Jim Sturgis said he +knew of no joke in the matter—his clients could not be punished for +indulging in what some people chose to consider a game of chance until it +was <i>proven</i> that it was a game of chance. Judge and counsel said that +would be an easy matter, and forthwith called Deacons Job, Peters, Burke, +and Johnson, and Dominies Wirt and Miggles, to testify; and they +unanimously and with strong feeling put down the legal quibble of Sturgis +by pronouncing that old sledge was a game of chance.</p> + +<p>"What do you call it now?" said the judge.</p> + +<p>"I call it a game of science!" retorted Sturgis; "and I'll prove it, +too!"</p> + +<p>They saw his little game.</p> + +<p>He brought in a cloud of witnesses, and produced an overwhelming mass of +testimony, to show that old sledge was not a game of chance but a game of +science.</p> + +<p>Instead of being the simplest case in the world, it had somehow turned +out to be an excessively knotty one. The judge scratched his head over +it awhile, and said there was no way of coming to a determination, +because just as many men could be brought into court who would testify on +one side as could be found to testify on the other. But he said he was +willing to do the fair thing by all parties, and would act upon any +suggestion Mr. Sturgis would make for the solution of the difficulty.</p> + +<p>Mr. Sturgis was on his feet in a second.</p> + +<p>"Impanel a jury of six of each, Luck versus Science. Give them candles +and a couple of decks of cards. Send them into the jury-room, and just +abide by the result!"</p> + +<p>There was no disputing the fairness of the proposition. The four deacons +and the two dominies were sworn in as the "chance" jurymen, and six +inveterate old seven-up professors were chosen to represent the "science" +side of the issue. They retired to the jury-room.</p> + +<p>In about two hours Deacon Peters sent into court to borrow three dollars +from a friend. [Sensation.] In about two hours more Dominie Miggles +sent into court to borrow a "stake" from a friend. [Sensation.] During +the next three or four hours the other dominie and the other deacons sent +into court for small loans. And still the packed audience waited, for it +was a prodigious occasion in Bull's Corners, and one in which every +father of a family was necessarily interested.</p> + +<p>The rest of the story can be told briefly. About daylight the jury came +in, and Deacon Job, the foreman, read the following:</p> + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<br> VERDICT: + +<br><br> + We, the jury in the case of the Commonwealth of Kentucky vs. John + Wheeler et al., have carefully considered the points of the case, + and tested the merits of the several theories advanced, and do + hereby unanimously decide that the game commonly known as old sledge + or seven-up is eminently a game of science and not of chance. In + demonstration whereof it is hereby and herein stated, iterated, + reiterated, set forth, and made manifest that, during the entire + night, the "chance" men never won a game or turned a jack, although + both feats were common and frequent to the opposition; and + furthermore, in support of this our verdict, we call attention to + the significant fact that the "chance" men are all busted, and the + "science" men have got the money. It is the deliberate opinion of + this jury, that the "chance" theory concerning seven-up is a + pernicious doctrine, and calculated to inflict untold suffering and + pecuniary loss upon any community that takes stock in it. +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<p>"That is the way that seven-up came to be set apart and particularized in +the statute-books of Kentucky as being a game not of chance but of +science, and therefore not punishable under the law," said Mr. K——-. +"That verdict is of record, and holds good to this day."</p> + + + +<br><br> + + +<center> +<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3> +<tr><td> + <a href="p2.htm">Previous Part</a> +</td><td> + <a href="3189-h.htm">Main Index</a> +</td><td> + <a href="p4.htm">Next Part</a> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +</body> +</html> |