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+Project Gutenberg Etext Carnival of Crime in Ct., by Mark Twain
+#44 in our series by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
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+Title: Carnival of Crime in CT.
+
+Author: Mark Twain
+
+Release Date: April, 2002  [Etext #3183]
+[Yes, we are about one year ahead of schedule]
+[The actual date this file first posted = 02/06/01]
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+Edition: 10
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+Language: English
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+Project Gutenberg Etext Carnival of Crime in Ct., by Mark Twain
+******This file should be named mtccc10.txt or mtccc10.zip*****
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+
+Carnival of Crime in CT.
+by Mark Twain
+
+
+
+THE FACTS CONCERNING THE RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME IN CONNECTICUT
+
+I was feeling blithe, almost jocund.  I put a match to my cigar, and just
+then the morning's mail was handed in.  The first superscription I
+glanced at was in a handwriting that sent a thrill of pleasure through
+and through me.  It was Aunt Mary's; and she was the person I loved and
+honored most in all the world, outside of my own household.  She had been
+my boyhood's idol; maturity, which is fatal to so many enchantments, had
+not been able to dislodge her from her pedestal; no, it had only
+justified her right to be there, and placed her dethronement permanently
+among the impossibilities.  To show how strong her influence over me was,
+I will observe that long after everybody else's "do-stop-smoking" had
+ceased to affect me in the slightest degree, Aunt Mary could still stir
+my torpid conscience into faint signs of life when she touched upon the
+matter.  But all things have their limit in this world.  A happy day came
+at last, when even Aunt Mary's words could no longer move me.  I was not
+merely glad to see that day arrive; I was more than glad--I was grateful;
+for when its sun had set, the one alloy that was able to mar my enjoyment
+of my aunt's society was gone.  The remainder of her stay with us that
+winter was in every way a delight.  Of course she pleaded with me just as
+earnestly as ever, after that blessed day, to quit my pernicious habit,
+but to no purpose whatever; the moment she opened the subject I at once
+became calmly, peacefully, contentedly indifferent--absolutely,
+adamantinely indifferent.  Consequently the closing weeks of that
+memorable visit melted away as pleasantly as a dream, they were so
+freighted for me with tranquil satisfaction.  I could not have enjoyed my
+pet vice more if my gentle tormentor had been a smoker herself, and an
+advocate of the practice.  Well, the sight of her handwriting reminded me
+that I way getting very hungry to see her again.  I easily guessed what I
+should find in her letter.  I opened it.  Good! just as I expected; she
+was coming!  Coming this very day, too, and by the morning train; I might
+expect her any moment.
+
+I said to myself, "I am thoroughly happy and content now.  If my most
+pitiless enemy could appear before me at this moment, I would freely
+right any wrong I may have done him."
+
+Straightway the door opened, and a shriveled, shabby dwarf entered.  He
+was not more than two feet high.  He seemed to be about forty years old.
+Every feature and every inch of him was a trifle out of shape; and so,
+while one could not put his finger upon any particular part and say,
+"This is a conspicuous deformity," the spectator perceived that this
+little person was a deformity as a whole--a vague, general, evenly
+blended, nicely adjusted deformity.  There was a fox-like cunning in the
+face and the sharp little eyes, and also alertness and malice.  And yet,
+this vile bit of human rubbish seemed to bear a sort of remote and
+ill-defined resemblance to me!  It was dully perceptible in the mean
+form, the countenance, and even the clothes, gestures, manner, and
+attitudes of the creature.  He was a farfetched, dim suggestion of a
+burlesque upon me, a caricature of me in little.  One thing about him
+struck me forcibly and most unpleasantly: he was covered all over with a
+fuzzy, greenish mold, such as one sometimes sees upon mildewed bread.
+The sight of it was nauseating.
+
+He stepped along with a chipper air, and flung himself into a doll's
+chair in a very free-and-easy way, without waiting to be asked.  He
+tossed his hat into the waste-basket.  He picked up my old chalk pipe
+from the floor, gave the stem a wipe or two on his knee, filled the bowl
+from the tobacco-box at his side, and said to me in a tone of pert
+command:
+
+"Gimme a match!"
+
+I blushed to the roots of my hair; partly with indignation, but mainly
+because it somehow seemed to me that this whole performance was very like
+an exaggeration of conduct which I myself had sometimes been guilty of in
+my intercourse with familiar friends--but never, never with strangers, I
+observed to myself.  I wanted to kick the pygmy into the fire, but some
+incomprehensible sense of being legally and legitimately under his
+authority forced me to obey his order.  He applied the match to the pipe,
+took a contemplative whiff or two, and remarked, in an irritatingly
+familiar way:
+
+"Seems to me it's devilish odd weather for this time of year."
+
+I flushed again, and in anger and humiliation as before; for the language
+was hardly an exaggeration of some that I have uttered in my day, and
+moreover was delivered in a tone of voice and with an exasperating drawl
+that had the seeming of a deliberate travesty of my style.  Now there is
+nothing I am quite so sensitive about as a mocking imitation of my
+drawling infirmity of speech.  I spoke up sharply and said:
+
+"Look here, you miserable ash-cat!  you will have to give a little more
+attention to your manners, or I will throw you out of the window!"
+
+The manikin smiled a smile of malicious content and security, puffed a
+whiff of smoke contemptuously toward me, and said, with a still more
+elaborate drawl:
+
+"Come--go gently now; don't put on too many airs with your betters."
+
+This cool snub rasped me all over, but it seemed to subjugate me, too,
+for a moment.  The pygmy contemplated me awhile with his weasel eyes,
+and then said, in a peculiarly sneering way:
+
+"You turned a tramp away from your door this morning."
+
+I said crustily:
+
+"Perhaps I did, perhaps I didn't.  How do you know?"
+
+"Well, I know.  It isn't any matter how I know."
+
+"Very well.  Suppose I did turn a tramp away from the door--what of it?"
+
+"Oh, nothing; nothing in particular.  Only you lied to him."
+
+"I didn't! That is, I--"
+
+"Yes, but you did; you lied to him."
+
+I felt a guilty pang--in truth, I had felt it forty times before that
+tramp had traveled a block from my door--but still I resolved to make a
+show of feeling slandered; so I said:
+
+"This is a baseless impertinence.  I said to the tramp--"
+
+"There--wait.  You were about to lie again.  I know what you said to him.
+You said the cook was gone down-town and there was nothing left from
+breakfast.  Two lies.  You knew the cook was behind the door, and plenty
+of provisions behind her."
+
+This astonishing accuracy silenced me; and it filled me with wondering
+speculations, too, as to how this cub could have got his information.
+Of course he could have culled the conversation from the tramp, but by
+what sort of magic had he contrived to find out about the concealed cook?
+Now the dwarf spoke again:
+
+"It was rather pitiful, rather small, in you to refuse to read that poor
+young woman's manuscript the other day, and give her an opinion as to its
+literary value; and she had come so far, too, and so hopefully.  Now
+wasn't it?"
+
+I felt like a cur!  And I had felt so every time the thing had recurred
+to my mind, I may as well confess.  I flushed hotly and said:
+
+"Look here, have you nothing better to do than prowl around prying into
+other people's business?   Did that girl tell you that?"
+
+"Never mind whether she did or not.  The main thing is, you did that
+contemptible thing.  And you felt ashamed of it afterward.  Aha! you feel
+ashamed of it now!"
+
+This was a sort of devilish glee.  With fiery earnestness I responded:
+
+"I told that girl, in the kindest, gentlest way, that I could not consent
+to deliver judgment upon any one's manuscript, because an individual's
+verdict was worthless.  It might underrate a work of high merit and lose
+it to the world, or it might overrate a trashy production and so open the
+way for its infliction upon the world: I said that the great public was
+the only tribunal competent to sit in judgment upon a literary effort,
+and therefore it must be best to lay it before that tribunal in the
+outset, since in the end it must stand or fall by that mighty court's
+decision anyway."
+
+"Yes, you said all that.  So you did, you juggling, small-souled
+shuffler!  And yet when the happy hopefulness faded out of that poor
+girl's face, when you saw her furtively slip beneath her shawl the scroll
+she had so patiently and honestly scribbled at--so ashamed of her darling
+now, so proud of it before--when you saw the gladness go out of her eyes
+and the tears come there, when she crept away so humbly who had come
+so--"
+
+"Oh, peace!  peace! peace!  Blister your merciless tongue, haven't all
+these thoughts tortured me enough without your coming here to fetch them
+back again!"
+
+Remorse! remorse!  It seemed to me that it would eat the very heart out
+of me!  And yet that small fiend only sat there leering at me with joy
+and contempt, and placidly chuckling.  Presently he began to speak again.
+Every sentence was an accusation, and every accusation a truth.  Every
+clause was freighted with sarcasm and derision, every slow-dropping word
+burned like vitriol.  The dwarf reminded me of times when I had flown at
+my children in anger and punished them for faults which a little inquiry
+would have taught me that others, and not they, had committed.
+He reminded me of how I had disloyally allowed old friends to be traduced
+in my hearing, and been too craven to utter a word in their defense.
+He reminded me of many dishonest things which I had done; of many which I
+had procured to be done by children and other irresponsible persons; of
+some which I had planned, thought upon, and longed to do, and been kept
+from the performance by fear of consequences only.  With exquisite
+cruelty he recalled to my mind, item by item, wrongs and unkindnesses I
+had inflicted and humiliations I had put upon friends since dead, "who
+died thinking of those injuries, maybe, and grieving over them," he
+added, by way of poison to the stab.
+
+"For instance," said he, "take the case of your younger brother, when you
+two were boys together, many a long year ago.  He always lovingly trusted
+in you with a fidelity that your manifold treacheries were not able to
+shake.  He followed you about like a dog, content to suffer wrong and
+abuse if he might only be with you; patient under these injuries so long
+as it was your hand that inflicted them.  The latest picture you have of
+him in health and strength must be such a comfort to you!  You pledged
+your honor that if he would let you blindfold him no harm should come to
+him; and then, giggling and choking over the rare fun of the joke, you
+led him to a brook thinly glazed with ice, and pushed him in; and how you
+did laugh!  Man, you will never forget the gentle, reproachful look he
+gave you as he struggled shivering out, if you live a thousand years!
+Oh! you see it now, you see it now!"
+
+"Beast, I have seen it a million times, and shall see it a million more!
+and may you rot away piecemeal, and suffer till doomsday what I suffer
+now, for bringing it back to me again!"
+
+The dwarf chuckled contentedly, and went on with his accusing history of
+my career.  I dropped into a moody, vengeful state, and suffered in
+silence under the merciless lash.  At last this remark of his gave me a
+sudden rouse:
+
+"Two months ago, on a Tuesday, you woke up, away in the night, and fell
+to thinking, with shame, about a peculiarly mean and pitiful act of yours
+toward a poor ignorant Indian in the wilds of the Rocky Mountains in the
+winter of eighteen hundred and--"
+
+"Stop a moment, devil!  Stop!  Do you mean to tell me that even my very
+thoughts are not hidden from you?"
+
+"It seems to look like that.  Didn't you think the thoughts I have just
+mentioned?"
+
+"If I didn't, I wish I may never breathe again!  Look here, friend--look
+me in the eye.  Who are you?"
+
+"Well, who do you think?"
+
+"I think you are Satan himself.  I think you are the devil."
+
+"No."
+
+"No?  Then who can you be?"
+
+"Would you really like to know?"
+
+"Indeed I would."
+
+"Well, I am your Conscience!"
+
+In an instant I was in a blaze of joy and exultation.  I sprang at the
+creature, roaring:
+
+"Curse you, I have wished a hundred million times that you were tangible,
+and that I could get my hands on your throat once!  Oh, but I will wreak
+a deadly vengeance on--"
+
+Folly!  Lightning does not move more quickly than my Conscience did!
+He darted aloft so suddenly that in the moment my fingers clutched the
+empty air he was already perched on the top of the high bookcase, with
+his thumb at his nose in token of derision.  I flung the poker at him,
+and missed.  I fired the bootjack.  In a blind rage I flew from place to
+place, and snatched and hurled any missile that came handy; the storm of
+books, inkstands, and chunks of coal gloomed the air and beat about the
+manikin's perch relentlessly, but all to no purpose; the nimble figure
+dodged every shot; and not only that, but burst into a cackle of
+sarcastic and triumphant laughter as I sat down exhausted.  While I
+puffed and gasped with fatigue and excitement, my Conscience talked to
+this effect:
+
+"My good slave, you are curiously witless--no, I mean characteristically
+so.  In truth, you are always consistent, always yourself, always an ass.
+Other wise it must have occurred to you that if you attempted this murder
+with a sad heart and a heavy conscience, I would droop under the
+burdening in influence instantly.  Fool, I should have weighed a ton, and
+could not have budged from the floor; but instead, you are so cheerfully
+anxious to kill me that your conscience is as light as a feather; hence I
+am away up here out of your reach.  I can almost respect a mere ordinary
+sort of fool; but you pah!"
+
+I would have given anything, then, to be heavyhearted, so that I could
+get this person down from there and take his life, but I could no more be
+heavy-hearted over such a desire than I could have sorrowed over its
+accomplishment.  So I could only look longingly up at my master, and rave
+at the ill luck that denied me a heavy conscience the one only time that
+I had ever wanted such a thing in my life.  By and by I got to musing
+over the hour's strange adventure, and of course my human curiosity began
+to work.  I set myself to framing in my mind some questions for this
+fiend to answer.  Just then one of my boys entered, leaving the door open
+behind him, and exclaimed:
+
+"My!  what has been going on here?  The bookcase is all one riddle of--"
+
+I sprang up in consternation, and shouted:
+
+"Out of this!  Hurry!  jump!  Fly!  Shut the door!  Quick, or my
+Conscience will get away!"
+
+The door slammed to, and I locked it.  I glanced up and was grateful, to
+the bottom of my heart, to see that my owner was still my prisoner.  I
+said:
+
+"Hang you, I might have lost you!  Children are the heedlessest
+creatures.  But look here, friend, the boy did not seem to notice you at
+all; how is that?"
+
+"For a very good reason.  I am invisible to all but you."
+
+I made a mental note of that piece of information with a good deal of
+satisfaction.  I could kill this miscreant now, if I got a chance, and no
+one would know it.  But this very reflection made me so lighthearted that
+my Conscience could hardly keep his seat, but was like to float aloft
+toward the ceiling like a toy balloon.  I said, presently:
+
+"Come, my Conscience, let us be friendly.  Let us fly a flag of truce for
+a while.  I am suffering to ask you some questions."
+
+"Very well.  Begin."
+
+"Well, then, in the first place, why were you never visible to me
+before?"
+
+"Because you never asked to see me before; that is, you never asked in
+the right spirit and the proper form before.  You were just in the right
+spirit this time, and when you called for your most pitiless enemy I was
+that person by a very large majority, though you did not suspect it."
+
+"Well, did that remark of mine turn you into flesh and blood?"
+
+"No.  It only made me visible to you.  I am unsubstantial, just as other
+spirits are."
+
+This remark prodded me with a sharp misgiving.
+
+If he was unsubstantial, how was I going to kill him?  But I dissembled,
+and said persuasively:
+
+"Conscience, it isn't sociable of you to keep at such a distance.  Come
+down and take another smoke."
+
+This was answered with a look that was full of derision, and with this
+observation added:
+
+"Come where you can get at me and kill me?  The invitation is declined
+with thanks."
+
+"All right," said I to myself; "so it seems a spirit can be killed, after
+all; there will be one spirit lacking in this world, presently, or I lose
+my guess."  Then I said aloud:
+
+"Friend--"
+
+"There; wait a bit.  I am not your friend.  I am your enemy; I am not
+your equal, I am your master, Call me 'my lord,' if you please.  You are
+too familiar."
+
+"I don't like such titles.  I am willing to call you, sir.  That is as
+far as--"
+
+"We will have no argument about this.  Just obey, that is all.  Go on
+with your chatter."
+
+"Very well, my lord--since nothing but my lord will suit you--I was going
+to ask you how long you will be visible to me?"
+
+"Always!"
+
+I broke out with strong indignation: "This is simply an outrage.  That is
+what I think of it!  You have dogged, and dogged, and dogged me, all the
+days of my life, invisible.  That was misery enough, now to have such a
+looking thing as you tagging after me like another shadow all the rest of
+my day is an intolerable prospect.  You have my opinion my lord, make the
+most of it."
+
+"My lad, there was never so pleased a conscience in this world as I was
+when you made me visible.  It gives me an inconceivable advantage.  Now I
+can look you straight in the eye, and call you names, and leer at you,
+jeer at you, sneer at you; and you know what eloquence there is in
+visible gesture and expression, more especially when the effect is
+heightened by audible speech.  I shall always address you henceforth in
+your o-w-n  s-n-i-v-e-l-i-n-g  d-r-a-w-l --baby!"
+
+I let fly with the coal-hod.  No result.  My lord said:
+
+"Come, come!  Remember the flag of truce!"
+
+"Ah, I forgot that.  I will try to be civil; and you try it, too, for a
+novelty.  The idea of a civil conscience!  It is a good joke; an
+excellent joke.  All the consciences I have ever heard of were nagging,
+badgering, fault-finding, execrable savages!  Yes; and always in a sweat
+about some poor little insignificant trifle or other--destruction catch
+the lot of them, I say!  I would trade mine for the smallpox and seven
+kinds of consumption, and be glad of the chance.  Now tell me, why is it
+that a conscience can't haul a man over the coals once, for an offense,
+and then let him alone?  Why is it that it wants to keep on pegging at
+him, day and night and night and day, week in and week out, forever and
+ever, about the same old thing?  There is no sense in that, and no reason
+in it.  I think a conscience that will act like that is meaner than the
+very dirt itself."
+
+"Well, WE like it; that suffices."
+
+"Do you do it with the honest intent to improve a man?"
+
+That question produced a sarcastic smile, and this reply:
+
+"No, sir.  Excuse me.  We do it simply because it is 'business.'  It is
+our trade.  The purpose of it is to improve the man, but we are merely
+disinterested agents.  We are appointed by authority, and haven't
+anything to say in the matter.  We obey orders and leave the consequences
+where they belong.  But I am willing to admit this much: we do crowd the
+orders a trifle when we get a chance, which is most of the time.
+We enjoy it.  We are instructed to remind a man a few times of an error;
+and I don't mind acknowledging that we try to give pretty good measure.
+And when we get hold of a man of a peculiarly sensitive nature, oh, but
+we do haze him!  I have consciences to come all the way from China and
+Russia to see a person of that kind put through his paces, on a special
+occasion.  Why, I knew a man of that sort who had accidentally crippled a
+mulatto baby; the news went abroad, and I wish you may never commit
+another sin if the consciences didn't flock from all over the earth to
+enjoy the fun and help his master exorcise him.  That man walked the
+floor in torture for forty-eight hours, without eating or sleeping, and
+then blew his brains out.  The child was perfectly well again in three
+weeks."
+
+"Well, you are a precious crew, not to put it too strong.  I think I
+begin to see now why you have always been a trifle inconsistent with me.
+In your anxiety to get all the juice you can out of a sin, you make a man
+repent of it in three or four different ways.  For instance, you found
+fault with me for lying to that tramp, and I suffered over that.  But it
+was only yesterday that I told a tramp the square truth, to wit, that,
+it being regarded as bad citizenship to encourage vagrancy, I would give
+him nothing.  What did you do then: Why, you made me say to myself, 'Ah,
+it would have been so much kinder and more blameless to ease him off with
+a little white lie, and send him away feeling that if he could not have
+bread, the gentle treatment was at least something to be grateful for!'
+Well, I suffered all day about that.  Three days before I had fed a
+tramp, and fed him freely, supposing it a virtuous act.  Straight off you
+said, 'Oh, false citizen, to have fed a tramp!' and I suffered as usual.
+I gave a tramp work; you objected to it--after the contract was made,
+of course; you never speak up beforehand.  Next, I refused a tramp work;
+you objected to that.  Next, I proposed to kill a tramp; you kept me
+awake all night, oozing remorse at every pore.  Sure I was going to be
+right this time, I sent the next tramp away with my benediction; and I
+wish you may live as long as I do, if you didn't make me smart all night
+again because I didn't kill him.  Is there any way of satisfying that
+malignant invention which is called a conscience?"
+
+"Ha, ha! this is luxury!  Go on!"
+
+"But come, now, answer me that question.  Is there any way?"
+
+"Well, none that I propose to tell you, my son.  Ass!  I don't care what
+act you may turn your hand to, I can straightway whisper a word in your
+ear and make you think you have committed a dreadful meanness.  It is my
+business--and my joy--to make you repent of everything you do.  If I have
+fooled away any opportunities it was not intentional; I beg to assure you
+it was not intentional!"
+
+"Don't worry; you haven't missed a trick that I know of.  I never did a
+thing in all my life, virtuous or otherwise, that I didn't repent of in
+twenty-four hours.  In church last Sunday I listened to a charity sermon.
+My first impulse was to give three hundred and fifty dollars; I repented
+of that and reduced it a hundred; repented of that and reduced it another
+hundred; repented of that and reduced it another hundred; repented of
+that and reduced the remaining fifty to twenty-five; repented of that and
+came down to fifteen; repented of that and dropped to two dollars and a
+half; when the plate came around at last, I repented once more and
+contributed ten cents.  Well, when I got home, I did wish to goodness I
+had that ten cents back again!  You never did let me get through a
+charity sermon without having something to sweat about."
+
+"Oh, and I never shall, I never shall.  You can always depend on me."
+
+"I think so.  Many and many's the restless night I've wanted to take you
+by the neck.  If I could only get hold of you now!"
+
+"Yes, no doubt.  But I am not an ass; I am only the saddle of an ass.
+But go on, go on.  You entertain me more than I like to confess."
+
+I am glad of that.  (You will not mind my lying a little, to keep in
+practice.)  Look here; not to be too personal, I think you are about the
+shabbiest and most contemptible little shriveled-up reptile that can be
+imagined.  I am grateful enough that you are invisible to other people,
+for I should die with shame to be seen with such a mildewed monkey of a
+conscience as you are.  Now if you were five or six feet high, and--"
+
+"Oh, come! who is to blame?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Why, you are; nobody else."
+
+"Confound you, I wasn't consulted about your personal appearance."
+
+"I don't care, you had a good deal to do with it, nevertheless.  When you
+were eight or nine years old, I was seven feet high, and as pretty as a
+picture."
+
+"I wish you had died young!  So you have grown the wrong way, have you?"
+
+"Some of us grow one way and some the other.  You had a large conscience
+once; if you've a small conscience now I reckon there are reasons for it.
+However, both of us are to blame, you and I.  You see, you used to be
+conscientious about a great many things; morbidly so, I may say.  It was
+a great many years ago.  You probably do not remember it now.  Well,
+I took a great interest in my work, and I so enjoyed the anguish which
+certain pet sins of yours afflicted you with that I kept pelting at you
+until I rather overdid the matter.  You began to rebel.  Of course I
+began to lose ground, then, and shrivel a little--diminish in stature,
+get moldy, and grow deformed.  The more I weakened, the more stubbornly
+you fastened on to those particular sins; till at last the places on my
+person that represent those vices became as callous as shark-skin.  Take
+smoking, for instance.  I played that card a little too long, and I lost.
+When people plead with you at this late day to quit that vice, that old
+callous place seems to enlarge and cover me all over like a shirt of
+mail.  It exerts a mysterious, smothering effect; and presently I, your
+faithful hater, your devoted Conscience, go sound asleep!  Sound?  It is
+no name for it.  I couldn't hear it thunder at such a time.  You have
+some few other vices--perhaps eighty, or maybe ninety--that affect me in
+much the same way."
+
+"This is flattering; you must be asleep a good part of your time."
+
+"Yes, of late years.  I should be asleep all the time but for the help I
+get."
+
+"Who helps you?"
+
+"Other consciences.  Whenever a person whose conscience I am acquainted
+with tries to plead with you about the vices you are callous to, I get my
+friend to give his client a pang concerning some villainy of his own,
+and that shuts off his meddling and starts him off to hunt personal
+consolation.  My field of usefulness is about trimmed down to tramps,
+budding authoresses, and that line of goods now; but don't you worry
+--I'll harry you on theirs while they last!  Just you put your trust in
+me."
+
+"I think I can.  But if you had only been good enough to mention these
+facts some thirty years ago, I should have turned my particular attention
+to sin, and I think that by this time I should not only have had you
+pretty permanently asleep on the entire list of human vices, but reduced
+to the size of a homeopathic pill, at that.  That is about the style of
+conscience I am pining for.  If I only had you shrunk you down to a
+homeopathic pill, and could get my hands on you, would I put you in a
+glass case for a keepsake?  No, sir.  I would give you to a yellow dog!
+That is where you ought to be--you and all your tribe.  You are not fit
+to be in society, in my opinion.  Now another question.  Do you know a
+good many consciences in this section?"
+
+"Plenty of them."
+
+"I would give anything to see some of them!  Could you bring them here?
+And would they be visible to me?"
+
+"Certainly not."
+
+"I suppose I ought to have known that without asking.  But no matter, you
+can describe them.  Tell me about my neighbor Thompson's conscience,
+please."
+
+"Very well.  I know him intimately; have known him many years.  I knew
+him when he was eleven feet high and of a faultless figure.  But he is
+very pasty and tough and misshapen now, and hardly ever interests himself
+about anything.  As to his present size--well, he sleeps in a cigar-box."
+
+"Likely enough.  There are few smaller, meaner men in this region than
+Hugh Thompson.  Do you know Robinson's conscience?"
+
+"Yes.  He is a shade under four and a half feet high; used to be a blond;
+is a brunette now, but still shapely and comely."
+
+"Well, Robinson is a good fellow.  Do you know Tom Smith's conscience?"
+
+"I have known him from childhood.  He was thirteen inches high, and
+rather sluggish, when he was two years old--as nearly all of us are at
+that age.  He is thirty-seven feet high now, and the stateliest figure in
+America.  His legs are still racked with growing-pains, but he has a good
+time, nevertheless.  Never sleeps.  He is the most active and energetic
+member of the New England Conscience Club; is president of it.  Night and
+day you can find him pegging away at Smith, panting with his labor,
+sleeves rolled up, countenance all alive with enjoyment.  He has got his
+victim splendidly dragooned now.  He can make poor Smith imagine that the
+most innocent little thing he does is an odious sin; and then he sets to
+work and almost tortures the soul out of him about it."
+
+"Smith is the noblest man in all this section, and the purest; and yet is
+always breaking his heart because he cannot be good!  Only a conscience
+could find pleasure in heaping agony upon a spirit like that.  Do you
+know my aunt Mary's conscience?"
+
+"I have seen her at a distance, but am not acquainted with her.  She
+lives in the open air altogether, because no door is large enough to
+admit her."
+
+"I can believe that.  Let me see.  Do you know the conscience of that
+publisher who once stole some sketches of mine for a 'series' of his, and
+then left me to pay the law expenses I had to incur in order to choke him
+off?"
+
+"Yes.  He has a wide fame.  He was exhibited, a month ago, with some
+other antiquities, for the benefit of a recent Member of the Cabinet's
+conscience that was starving in exile.  Tickets and fares were high, but
+I traveled for nothing by pretending to be the conscience of an editor,
+and got in for half-price by representing myself to be the conscience of
+a clergyman.  However, the publisher's conscience, which was to have been
+the main feature of the entertainment, was a failure--as an exhibition.
+He was there, but what of that?  The management had provided a microscope
+with a magnifying power of only thirty thousand diameters, and so nobody
+got to see him, after all.  There was great and general dissatisfaction,
+of course, but--"
+
+Just here there was an eager footstep on the stair; I opened the door,
+and my aunt Mary burst into the room.  It was a joyful meeting and a
+cheery bombardment of questions and answers concerning family matters
+ensued.  By and by my aunt said:
+
+"But I am going to abuse you a little now.  You promised me, the day I
+saw you last, that you would look after the needs of the poor family
+around the corner as faithfully as I had done it myself.  Well, I found
+out by accident that you failed of your promise.  Was that right?"
+
+In simple truth, I never had thought of that family a second time!  And
+now such a splintering pang of guilt shot through me!  I glanced up at my
+Conscience.  Plainly, my heavy heart was affecting him.  His body was
+drooping forward; he seemed about to fall from the bookcase.  My aunt
+continued:
+
+"And think how you have neglected my poor protege at the almshouse, you
+dear, hard-hearted promise-breaker!"  I blushed scarlet, and my tongue
+was tied.  As the sense of my guilty negligence waxed sharper and
+stronger, my Conscience began to sway heavily back and forth; and when my
+aunt, after a little pause, said in a grieved tone, "Since you never once
+went to see her, maybe it will not distress you now to know that that
+poor child died, months ago, utterly friendless and forsaken!"
+My Conscience could no longer bear up under the weight of my sufferings,
+but tumbled headlong from his high perch and struck the floor with a
+dull, leaden thump.  He lay there writhing with pain and quaking with
+apprehension, but straining every muscle in frantic efforts to get up.
+In a fever of expectancy I sprang to the door, locked it, placed my back
+against it, and bent a watchful gaze upon my struggling master.  Already
+my fingers were itching to begin their murderous work.
+
+"Oh, what can be the matter!" exclaimed by aunt, shrinking from me, and
+following with her frightened eyes the direction of mine.  My breath was
+coming in short, quick gasps now, and my excitement was almost
+uncontrollable.  My aunt cried out:
+
+"Oh, do not look so!  You appal me!  Oh, what can the matter be?  What is
+it you see?  Why do you stare so?  Why do you work your fingers like
+that?"
+
+"Peace, woman!"  I said, in a hoarse whisper. "Look elsewhere; pay no
+attention to me; it is nothing--nothing.  I am often this way.  It will
+pass in a moment.  It comes from smoking too much."
+
+My injured lord was up, wild-eyed with terror, and trying to hobble
+toward the door.  I could hardly breathe, I was so wrought up.  My aunt
+wrung her hands, and said:
+
+"Oh, I knew how it would be; I knew it would come to this at last!
+Oh, I implore you to crush out that fatal habit while it may yet be time!
+You must not, you shall not be deaf to my supplications longer!"
+My struggling Conscience showed sudden signs of weariness!  "Oh, promise
+me you will throw off this hateful slavery of tobacco!"  My Conscience
+began to reel drowsily, and grope with his hands--enchanting spectacle!
+"I beg you, I beseech you, I implore you!  Your reason is deserting you!
+There is madness in your eye!  It flames with frenzy!  Oh, hear me, hear
+me, and be saved!  See, I plead with you on my very knees!"  As she sank
+before me my Conscience reeled again, and then drooped languidly to the
+floor, blinking toward me a last supplication for mercy, with heavy eyes.
+"Oh, promise, or you are lost!  Promise, and be redeemed!  Promise!
+Promise and live!"  With a long-drawn sigh my conquered Conscience closed
+his eyes and fell fast asleep!
+
+With an exultant shout I sprang past my aunt, and in an instant I had my
+lifelong foe by the throat.  After so many years of waiting and longing,
+he was mine at last.  I tore him to shreds and fragments.  I rent the
+fragments to bits.  I cast the bleeding rubbish into the fire, and drew
+into my nostrils the grateful incense of my burnt-offering.  At last, and
+forever, my Conscience was dead!
+
+I was a free man!  I turned upon my poor aunt, who was almost petrified
+with terror, and shouted:
+
+"Out of this with your paupers, your charities, your reforms, your
+pestilent morals!  You behold before you a man whose life-conflict is
+done, whose soul is at peace; a man whose heart is dead to sorrow, dead
+to suffering, dead to remorse; a man WITHOUT A CONSCIENCE!  In my joy I
+spare you, though I could throttle you and never feel a pang!  Fly!"
+
+She fled.  Since that day my life is all bliss.  Bliss, unalloyed bliss.
+Nothing in all the world could persuade me to have a conscience again.
+I settled all my old outstanding scores, and began the world anew.
+I killed thirty-eight persons during the first two weeks--all of them on
+account of ancient grudges.  I burned a dwelling that interrupted my
+view.  I swindled a widow and some orphans out of their last cow, which
+is a very good one, though not thoroughbred, I believe.  I have also
+committed scores of crimes, of various kinds, and have enjoyed my work
+exceedingly, whereas it would formerly have broken my heart and turned my
+hair gray, I have no doubt.
+
+In conclusion, I wish to state, by way of advertisement, that medical
+colleges desiring assorted tramps for scientific purposes, either by the
+gross, by cord measurement, or per ton, will do well to examine the lot
+in my cellar before purchasing elsewhere, as these were all selected and
+prepared by myself, and can be had at a low rate, because I wish to
+clear, out my stock and get ready for the spring trade.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg Etext Carnival of Crime in Ct., by Mark Twain
+
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+The Project Gutenberg Etext of Carnival of Crime in Ct., by Mark Twain
+#44 in our series by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
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+
+Title: Carnival of Crime in CT.
+
+Author: Mark Twain
+
+Release Date: April, 2002  [Etext #3183]
+[Yes, we are about one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on February 6, 2001]
+[Most recently updated: November 29, 2001]
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+Edition: 11
+
+Language: English
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+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+The Project Gutenberg Etext of Carnival of Crime in CT., by Mark Twain
+*********This file should be named mtccc11.txt or mtccc11.zip*********
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+
+CARNIVAL OF CRIME IN CT.
+
+by Mark Twain
+
+
+
+THE FACTS CONCERNING THE RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME IN CONNECTICUT
+
+I was feeling blithe, almost jocund.  I put a match to my cigar, and just
+then the morning's mail was handed in.  The first superscription I
+glanced at was in a handwriting that sent a thrill of pleasure through
+and through me.  It was Aunt Mary's; and she was the person I loved and
+honored most in all the world, outside of my own household.  She had been
+my boyhood's idol; maturity, which is fatal to so many enchantments, had
+not been able to dislodge her from her pedestal; no, it had only
+justified her right to be there, and placed her dethronement permanently
+among the impossibilities.  To show how strong her influence over me was,
+I will observe that long after everybody else's "do-stop-smoking" had
+ceased to affect me in the slightest degree, Aunt Mary could still stir
+my torpid conscience into faint signs of life when she touched upon the
+matter.  But all things have their limit in this world.  A happy day came
+at last, when even Aunt Mary's words could no longer move me.  I was not
+merely glad to see that day arrive; I was more than glad--I was grateful;
+for when its sun had set, the one alloy that was able to mar my enjoyment
+of my aunt's society was gone.  The remainder of her stay with us that
+winter was in every way a delight.  Of course she pleaded with me just as
+earnestly as ever, after that blessed day, to quit my pernicious habit,
+but to no purpose whatever; the moment she opened the subject I at once
+became calmly, peacefully, contentedly indifferent--absolutely,
+adamantinely indifferent.  Consequently the closing weeks of that
+memorable visit melted away as pleasantly as a dream, they were so
+freighted for me with tranquil satisfaction.  I could not have enjoyed my
+pet vice more if my gentle tormentor had been a smoker herself, and an
+advocate of the practice.  Well, the sight of her handwriting reminded me
+that I way getting very hungry to see her again.  I easily guessed what I
+should find in her letter.  I opened it.  Good! just as I expected; she
+was coming!  Coming this very day, too, and by the morning train; I might
+expect her any moment.
+
+I said to myself, "I am thoroughly happy and content now.  If my most
+pitiless enemy could appear before me at this moment, I would freely
+right any wrong I may have done him."
+
+Straightway the door opened, and a shriveled, shabby dwarf entered.  He
+was not more than two feet high.  He seemed to be about forty years old.
+Every feature and every inch of him was a trifle out of shape; and so,
+while one could not put his finger upon any particular part and say,
+"This is a conspicuous deformity," the spectator perceived that this
+little person was a deformity as a whole--a vague, general, evenly
+blended, nicely adjusted deformity.  There was a fox-like cunning in the
+face and the sharp little eyes, and also alertness and malice.  And yet,
+this vile bit of human rubbish seemed to bear a sort of remote and
+ill-defined resemblance to me!  It was dully perceptible in the mean
+form, the countenance, and even the clothes, gestures, manner, and
+attitudes of the creature.  He was a farfetched, dim suggestion of a
+burlesque upon me, a caricature of me in little.  One thing about him
+struck me forcibly and most unpleasantly: he was covered all over with a
+fuzzy, greenish mold, such as one sometimes sees upon mildewed bread.
+The sight of it was nauseating.
+
+He stepped along with a chipper air, and flung himself into a doll's
+chair in a very free-and-easy way, without waiting to be asked.  He
+tossed his hat into the waste-basket.  He picked up my old chalk pipe
+from the floor, gave the stem a wipe or two on his knee, filled the bowl
+from the tobacco-box at his side, and said to me in a tone of pert
+command:
+
+"Gimme a match!"
+
+I blushed to the roots of my hair; partly with indignation, but mainly
+because it somehow seemed to me that this whole performance was very like
+an exaggeration of conduct which I myself had sometimes been guilty of in
+my intercourse with familiar friends--but never, never with strangers, I
+observed to myself.  I wanted to kick the pygmy into the fire, but some
+incomprehensible sense of being legally and legitimately under his
+authority forced me to obey his order.  He applied the match to the pipe,
+took a contemplative whiff or two, and remarked, in an irritatingly
+familiar way:
+
+"Seems to me it's devilish odd weather for this time of year."
+
+I flushed again, and in anger and humiliation as before; for the language
+was hardly an exaggeration of some that I have uttered in my day, and
+moreover was delivered in a tone of voice and with an exasperating drawl
+that had the seeming of a deliberate travesty of my style.  Now there is
+nothing I am quite so sensitive about as a mocking imitation of my
+drawling infirmity of speech.  I spoke up sharply and said:
+
+"Look here, you miserable ash-cat!  you will have to give a little more
+attention to your manners, or I will throw you out of the window!"
+
+The manikin smiled a smile of malicious content and security, puffed a
+whiff of smoke contemptuously toward me, and said, with a still more
+elaborate drawl:
+
+"Come--go gently now; don't put on too many airs with your betters."
+
+This cool snub rasped me all over, but it seemed to subjugate me, too,
+for a moment.  The pygmy contemplated me awhile with his weasel eyes,
+and then said, in a peculiarly sneering way:
+
+"You turned a tramp away from your door this morning."
+
+I said crustily:
+
+"Perhaps I did, perhaps I didn't.  How do you know?"
+
+"Well, I know.  It isn't any matter how I know."
+
+"Very well.  Suppose I did turn a tramp away from the door--what of it?"
+
+"Oh, nothing; nothing in particular.  Only you lied to him."
+
+"I didn't! That is, I--"
+
+"Yes, but you did; you lied to him."
+
+I felt a guilty pang--in truth, I had felt it forty times before that
+tramp had traveled a block from my door--but still I resolved to make a
+show of feeling slandered; so I said:
+
+"This is a baseless impertinence.  I said to the tramp--"
+
+"There--wait.  You were about to lie again.  I know what you said to him.
+You said the cook was gone down-town and there was nothing left from
+breakfast.  Two lies.  You knew the cook was behind the door, and plenty
+of provisions behind her."
+
+This astonishing accuracy silenced me; and it filled me with wondering
+speculations, too, as to how this cub could have got his information.
+Of course he could have culled the conversation from the tramp, but by
+what sort of magic had he contrived to find out about the concealed cook?
+Now the dwarf spoke again:
+
+"It was rather pitiful, rather small, in you to refuse to read that poor
+young woman's manuscript the other day, and give her an opinion as to its
+literary value; and she had come so far, too, and so hopefully.  Now
+wasn't it?"
+
+I felt like a cur!  And I had felt so every time the thing had recurred
+to my mind, I may as well confess.  I flushed hotly and said:
+
+"Look here, have you nothing better to do than prowl around prying into
+other people's business?   Did that girl tell you that?"
+
+"Never mind whether she did or not.  The main thing is, you did that
+contemptible thing.  And you felt ashamed of it afterward.  Aha! you feel
+ashamed of it now!"
+
+This was a sort of devilish glee.  With fiery earnestness I responded:
+
+"I told that girl, in the kindest, gentlest way, that I could not consent
+to deliver judgment upon any one's manuscript, because an individual's
+verdict was worthless.  It might underrate a work of high merit and lose
+it to the world, or it might overrate a trashy production and so open the
+way for its infliction upon the world: I said that the great public was
+the only tribunal competent to sit in judgment upon a literary effort,
+and therefore it must be best to lay it before that tribunal in the
+outset, since in the end it must stand or fall by that mighty court's
+decision anyway."
+
+"Yes, you said all that.  So you did, you juggling, small-souled
+shuffler!  And yet when the happy hopefulness faded out of that poor
+girl's face, when you saw her furtively slip beneath her shawl the scroll
+she had so patiently and honestly scribbled at--so ashamed of her darling
+now, so proud of it before--when you saw the gladness go out of her eyes
+and the tears come there, when she crept away so humbly who had come
+so--"
+
+"Oh, peace!  peace! peace!  Blister your merciless tongue, haven't all
+these thoughts tortured me enough without your coming here to fetch them
+back again!"
+
+Remorse! remorse!  It seemed to me that it would eat the very heart out
+of me!  And yet that small fiend only sat there leering at me with joy
+and contempt, and placidly chuckling.  Presently he began to speak again.
+Every sentence was an accusation, and every accusation a truth.  Every
+clause was freighted with sarcasm and derision, every slow-dropping word
+burned like vitriol.  The dwarf reminded me of times when I had flown at
+my children in anger and punished them for faults which a little inquiry
+would have taught me that others, and not they, had committed.
+He reminded me of how I had disloyally allowed old friends to be traduced
+in my hearing, and been too craven to utter a word in their defense.
+He reminded me of many dishonest things which I had done; of many which I
+had procured to be done by children and other irresponsible persons; of
+some which I had planned, thought upon, and longed to do, and been kept
+from the performance by fear of consequences only.  With exquisite
+cruelty he recalled to my mind, item by item, wrongs and unkindnesses I
+had inflicted and humiliations I had put upon friends since dead, "who
+died thinking of those injuries, maybe, and grieving over them," he
+added, by way of poison to the stab.
+
+"For instance," said he, "take the case of your younger brother, when you
+two were boys together, many a long year ago.  He always lovingly trusted
+in you with a fidelity that your manifold treacheries were not able to
+shake.  He followed you about like a dog, content to suffer wrong and
+abuse if he might only be with you; patient under these injuries so long
+as it was your hand that inflicted them.  The latest picture you have of
+him in health and strength must be such a comfort to you!  You pledged
+your honor that if he would let you blindfold him no harm should come to
+him; and then, giggling and choking over the rare fun of the joke, you
+led him to a brook thinly glazed with ice, and pushed him in; and how you
+did laugh!  Man, you will never forget the gentle, reproachful look he
+gave you as he struggled shivering out, if you live a thousand years!
+Oh! you see it now, you see it now!"
+
+"Beast, I have seen it a million times, and shall see it a million more!
+and may you rot away piecemeal, and suffer till doomsday what I suffer
+now, for bringing it back to me again!"
+
+The dwarf chuckled contentedly, and went on with his accusing history of
+my career.  I dropped into a moody, vengeful state, and suffered in
+silence under the merciless lash.  At last this remark of his gave me a
+sudden rouse:
+
+"Two months ago, on a Tuesday, you woke up, away in the night, and fell
+to thinking, with shame, about a peculiarly mean and pitiful act of yours
+toward a poor ignorant Indian in the wilds of the Rocky Mountains in the
+winter of eighteen hundred and--"
+
+"Stop a moment, devil!  Stop!  Do you mean to tell me that even my very
+thoughts are not hidden from you?"
+
+"It seems to look like that.  Didn't you think the thoughts I have just
+mentioned?"
+
+"If I didn't, I wish I may never breathe again!  Look here, friend--look
+me in the eye.  Who are you?"
+
+"Well, who do you think?"
+
+"I think you are Satan himself.  I think you are the devil."
+
+"No."
+
+"No?  Then who can you be?"
+
+"Would you really like to know?"
+
+"Indeed I would."
+
+"Well, I am your Conscience!"
+
+In an instant I was in a blaze of joy and exultation.  I sprang at the
+creature, roaring:
+
+"Curse you, I have wished a hundred million times that you were tangible,
+and that I could get my hands on your throat once!  Oh, but I will wreak
+a deadly vengeance on--"
+
+Folly!  Lightning does not move more quickly than my Conscience did!
+He darted aloft so suddenly that in the moment my fingers clutched the
+empty air he was already perched on the top of the high bookcase, with
+his thumb at his nose in token of derision.  I flung the poker at him,
+and missed.  I fired the bootjack.  In a blind rage I flew from place to
+place, and snatched and hurled any missile that came handy; the storm of
+books, inkstands, and chunks of coal gloomed the air and beat about the
+manikin's perch relentlessly, but all to no purpose; the nimble figure
+dodged every shot; and not only that, but burst into a cackle of
+sarcastic and triumphant laughter as I sat down exhausted.  While I
+puffed and gasped with fatigue and excitement, my Conscience talked to
+this effect:
+
+"My good slave, you are curiously witless--no, I mean characteristically
+so.  In truth, you are always consistent, always yourself, always an ass.
+Other wise it must have occurred to you that if you attempted this murder
+with a sad heart and a heavy conscience, I would droop under the
+burdening in influence instantly.  Fool, I should have weighed a ton, and
+could not have budged from the floor; but instead, you are so cheerfully
+anxious to kill me that your conscience is as light as a feather; hence I
+am away up here out of your reach.  I can almost respect a mere ordinary
+sort of fool; but you pah!"
+
+I would have given anything, then, to be heavyhearted, so that I could
+get this person down from there and take his life, but I could no more be
+heavy-hearted over such a desire than I could have sorrowed over its
+accomplishment.  So I could only look longingly up at my master, and rave
+at the ill luck that denied me a heavy conscience the one only time that
+I had ever wanted such a thing in my life.  By and by I got to musing
+over the hour's strange adventure, and of course my human curiosity began
+to work.  I set myself to framing in my mind some questions for this
+fiend to answer.  Just then one of my boys entered, leaving the door open
+behind him, and exclaimed:
+
+"My!  what has been going on here?  The bookcase is all one riddle of--"
+
+I sprang up in consternation, and shouted:
+
+"Out of this!  Hurry!  jump!  Fly!  Shut the door!  Quick, or my
+Conscience will get away!"
+
+The door slammed to, and I locked it.  I glanced up and was grateful, to
+the bottom of my heart, to see that my owner was still my prisoner.  I
+said:
+
+"Hang you, I might have lost you!  Children are the heedlessest
+creatures.  But look here, friend, the boy did not seem to notice you at
+all; how is that?"
+
+"For a very good reason.  I am invisible to all but you."
+
+I made a mental note of that piece of information with a good deal of
+satisfaction.  I could kill this miscreant now, if I got a chance, and no
+one would know it.  But this very reflection made me so lighthearted that
+my Conscience could hardly keep his seat, but was like to float aloft
+toward the ceiling like a toy balloon.  I said, presently:
+
+"Come, my Conscience, let us be friendly.  Let us fly a flag of truce for
+a while.  I am suffering to ask you some questions."
+
+"Very well.  Begin."
+
+"Well, then, in the first place, why were you never visible to me
+before?"
+
+"Because you never asked to see me before; that is, you never asked in
+the right spirit and the proper form before.  You were just in the right
+spirit this time, and when you called for your most pitiless enemy I was
+that person by a very large majority, though you did not suspect it."
+
+"Well, did that remark of mine turn you into flesh and blood?"
+
+"No.  It only made me visible to you.  I am unsubstantial, just as other
+spirits are."
+
+This remark prodded me with a sharp misgiving.
+
+If he was unsubstantial, how was I going to kill him?  But I dissembled,
+and said persuasively:
+
+"Conscience, it isn't sociable of you to keep at such a distance.  Come
+down and take another smoke."
+
+This was answered with a look that was full of derision, and with this
+observation added:
+
+"Come where you can get at me and kill me?  The invitation is declined
+with thanks."
+
+"All right," said I to myself; "so it seems a spirit can be killed, after
+all; there will be one spirit lacking in this world, presently, or I lose
+my guess."  Then I said aloud:
+
+"Friend--"
+
+"There; wait a bit.  I am not your friend.  I am your enemy; I am not
+your equal, I am your master, Call me 'my lord,' if you please.  You are
+too familiar."
+
+"I don't like such titles.  I am willing to call you, sir.  That is as
+far as--"
+
+"We will have no argument about this.  Just obey, that is all.  Go on
+with your chatter."
+
+"Very well, my lord--since nothing but my lord will suit you--I was going
+to ask you how long you will be visible to me?"
+
+"Always!"
+
+I broke out with strong indignation: "This is simply an outrage.  That is
+what I think of it!  You have dogged, and dogged, and dogged me, all the
+days of my life, invisible.  That was misery enough, now to have such a
+looking thing as you tagging after me like another shadow all the rest of
+my day is an intolerable prospect.  You have my opinion my lord, make the
+most of it."
+
+"My lad, there was never so pleased a conscience in this world as I was
+when you made me visible.  It gives me an inconceivable advantage.  Now I
+can look you straight in the eye, and call you names, and leer at you,
+jeer at you, sneer at you; and you know what eloquence there is in
+visible gesture and expression, more especially when the effect is
+heightened by audible speech.  I shall always address you henceforth in
+your o-w-n  s-n-i-v-e-l-i-n-g  d-r-a-w-l--baby!"
+
+I let fly with the coal-hod.  No result.  My lord said:
+
+"Come, come!  Remember the flag of truce!"
+
+"Ah, I forgot that.  I will try to be civil; and you try it, too, for a
+novelty.  The idea of a civil conscience!  It is a good joke; an
+excellent joke.  All the consciences I have ever heard of were nagging,
+badgering, fault-finding, execrable savages!  Yes; and always in a sweat
+about some poor little insignificant trifle or other--destruction catch
+the lot of them, I say!  I would trade mine for the smallpox and seven
+kinds of consumption, and be glad of the chance.  Now tell me, why is it
+that a conscience can't haul a man over the coals once, for an offense,
+and then let him alone?  Why is it that it wants to keep on pegging at
+him, day and night and night and day, week in and week out, forever and
+ever, about the same old thing?  There is no sense in that, and no reason
+in it.  I think a conscience that will act like that is meaner than the
+very dirt itself."
+
+"Well, WE like it; that suffices."
+
+"Do you do it with the honest intent to improve a man?"
+
+That question produced a sarcastic smile, and this reply:
+
+"No, sir.  Excuse me.  We do it simply because it is 'business.'  It is
+our trade.  The purpose of it is to improve the man, but we are merely
+disinterested agents.  We are appointed by authority, and haven't
+anything to say in the matter.  We obey orders and leave the consequences
+where they belong.  But I am willing to admit this much: we do crowd the
+orders a trifle when we get a chance, which is most of the time.
+We enjoy it.  We are instructed to remind a man a few times of an error;
+and I don't mind acknowledging that we try to give pretty good measure.
+And when we get hold of a man of a peculiarly sensitive nature, oh, but
+we do haze him!  I have consciences to come all the way from China and
+Russia to see a person of that kind put through his paces, on a special
+occasion.  Why, I knew a man of that sort who had accidentally crippled a
+mulatto baby; the news went abroad, and I wish you may never commit
+another sin if the consciences didn't flock from all over the earth to
+enjoy the fun and help his master exorcise him.  That man walked the
+floor in torture for forty-eight hours, without eating or sleeping, and
+then blew his brains out.  The child was perfectly well again in three
+weeks."
+
+"Well, you are a precious crew, not to put it too strong.  I think I
+begin to see now why you have always been a trifle inconsistent with me.
+In your anxiety to get all the juice you can out of a sin, you make a man
+repent of it in three or four different ways.  For instance, you found
+fault with me for lying to that tramp, and I suffered over that.  But it
+was only yesterday that I told a tramp the square truth, to wit, that,
+it being regarded as bad citizenship to encourage vagrancy, I would give
+him nothing.  What did you do then: Why, you made me say to myself, 'Ah,
+it would have been so much kinder and more blameless to ease him off with
+a little white lie, and send him away feeling that if he could not have
+bread, the gentle treatment was at least something to be grateful for!'
+Well, I suffered all day about that.  Three days before I had fed a
+tramp, and fed him freely, supposing it a virtuous act.  Straight off you
+said, 'Oh, false citizen, to have fed a tramp!' and I suffered as usual.
+I gave a tramp work; you objected to it--after the contract was made,
+of course; you never speak up beforehand.  Next, I refused a tramp work;
+you objected to that.  Next, I proposed to kill a tramp; you kept me
+awake all night, oozing remorse at every pore.  Sure I was going to be
+right this time, I sent the next tramp away with my benediction; and I
+wish you may live as long as I do, if you didn't make me smart all night
+again because I didn't kill him.  Is there any way of satisfying that
+malignant invention which is called a conscience?"
+
+"Ha, ha! this is luxury!  Go on!"
+
+"But come, now, answer me that question.  Is there any way?"
+
+"Well, none that I propose to tell you, my son.  Ass!  I don't care what
+act you may turn your hand to, I can straightway whisper a word in your
+ear and make you think you have committed a dreadful meanness.  It is my
+business--and my joy--to make you repent of everything you do.  If I have
+fooled away any opportunities it was not intentional; I beg to assure you
+it was not intentional!"
+
+"Don't worry; you haven't missed a trick that I know of.  I never did a
+thing in all my life, virtuous or otherwise, that I didn't repent of in
+twenty-four hours.  In church last Sunday I listened to a charity sermon.
+My first impulse was to give three hundred and fifty dollars; I repented
+of that and reduced it a hundred; repented of that and reduced it another
+hundred; repented of that and reduced it another hundred; repented of
+that and reduced the remaining fifty to twenty-five; repented of that and
+came down to fifteen; repented of that and dropped to two dollars and a
+half; when the plate came around at last, I repented once more and
+contributed ten cents.  Well, when I got home, I did wish to goodness I
+had that ten cents back again!  You never did let me get through a
+charity sermon without having something to sweat about."
+
+"Oh, and I never shall, I never shall.  You can always depend on me."
+
+"I think so.  Many and many's the restless night I've wanted to take you
+by the neck.  If I could only get hold of you now!"
+
+"Yes, no doubt.  But I am not an ass; I am only the saddle of an ass.
+But go on, go on.  You entertain me more than I like to confess."
+
+I am glad of that.  (You will not mind my lying a little, to keep in
+practice.)  Look here; not to be too personal, I think you are about the
+shabbiest and most contemptible little shriveled-up reptile that can be
+imagined.  I am grateful enough that you are invisible to other people,
+for I should die with shame to be seen with such a mildewed monkey of a
+conscience as you are.  Now if you were five or six feet high, and--"
+
+"Oh, come! who is to blame?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Why, you are; nobody else."
+
+"Confound you, I wasn't consulted about your personal appearance."
+
+"I don't care, you had a good deal to do with it, nevertheless.  When you
+were eight or nine years old, I was seven feet high, and as pretty as a
+picture."
+
+"I wish you had died young!  So you have grown the wrong way, have you?"
+
+"Some of us grow one way and some the other.  You had a large conscience
+once; if you've a small conscience now I reckon there are reasons for it.
+However, both of us are to blame, you and I.  You see, you used to be
+conscientious about a great many things; morbidly so, I may say.  It was
+a great many years ago.  You probably do not remember it now.  Well,
+I took a great interest in my work, and I so enjoyed the anguish which
+certain pet sins of yours afflicted you with that I kept pelting at you
+until I rather overdid the matter.  You began to rebel.  Of course I
+began to lose ground, then, and shrivel a little--diminish in stature,
+get moldy, and grow deformed.  The more I weakened, the more stubbornly
+you fastened on to those particular sins; till at last the places on my
+person that represent those vices became as callous as shark-skin.  Take
+smoking, for instance.  I played that card a little too long, and I lost.
+When people plead with you at this late day to quit that vice, that old
+callous place seems to enlarge and cover me all over like a shirt of
+mail.  It exerts a mysterious, smothering effect; and presently I, your
+faithful hater, your devoted Conscience, go sound asleep!  Sound?  It is
+no name for it.  I couldn't hear it thunder at such a time.  You have
+some few other vices--perhaps eighty, or maybe ninety--that affect me in
+much the same way."
+
+"This is flattering; you must be asleep a good part of your time."
+
+"Yes, of late years.  I should be asleep all the time but for the help I
+get."
+
+"Who helps you?"
+
+"Other consciences.  Whenever a person whose conscience I am acquainted
+with tries to plead with you about the vices you are callous to, I get my
+friend to give his client a pang concerning some villainy of his own,
+and that shuts off his meddling and starts him off to hunt personal
+consolation.  My field of usefulness is about trimmed down to tramps,
+budding authoresses, and that line of goods now; but don't you worry
+--I'll harry you on theirs while they last!  Just you put your trust in
+me."
+
+"I think I can.  But if you had only been good enough to mention these
+facts some thirty years ago, I should have turned my particular attention
+to sin, and I think that by this time I should not only have had you
+pretty permanently asleep on the entire list of human vices, but reduced
+to the size of a homeopathic pill, at that.  That is about the style of
+conscience I am pining for.  If I only had you shrunk you down to a
+homeopathic pill, and could get my hands on you, would I put you in a
+glass case for a keepsake?  No, sir.  I would give you to a yellow dog!
+That is where you ought to be--you and all your tribe.  You are not fit
+to be in society, in my opinion.  Now another question.  Do you know a
+good many consciences in this section?"
+
+"Plenty of them."
+
+"I would give anything to see some of them!  Could you bring them here?
+And would they be visible to me?"
+
+"Certainly not."
+
+"I suppose I ought to have known that without asking.  But no matter, you
+can describe them.  Tell me about my neighbor Thompson's conscience,
+please."
+
+"Very well.  I know him intimately; have known him many years.  I knew
+him when he was eleven feet high and of a faultless figure.  But he is
+very pasty and tough and misshapen now, and hardly ever interests himself
+about anything.  As to his present size--well, he sleeps in a cigar-box."
+
+"Likely enough.  There are few smaller, meaner men in this region than
+Hugh Thompson.  Do you know Robinson's conscience?"
+
+"Yes.  He is a shade under four and a half feet high; used to be a blond;
+is a brunette now, but still shapely and comely."
+
+"Well, Robinson is a good fellow.  Do you know Tom Smith's conscience?"
+
+"I have known him from childhood.  He was thirteen inches high, and
+rather sluggish, when he was two years old--as nearly all of us are at
+that age.  He is thirty-seven feet high now, and the stateliest figure in
+America.  His legs are still racked with growing-pains, but he has a good
+time, nevertheless.  Never sleeps.  He is the most active and energetic
+member of the New England Conscience Club; is president of it.  Night and
+day you can find him pegging away at Smith, panting with his labor,
+sleeves rolled up, countenance all alive with enjoyment.  He has got his
+victim splendidly dragooned now.  He can make poor Smith imagine that the
+most innocent little thing he does is an odious sin; and then he sets to
+work and almost tortures the soul out of him about it."
+
+"Smith is the noblest man in all this section, and the purest; and yet is
+always breaking his heart because he cannot be good!  Only a conscience
+could find pleasure in heaping agony upon a spirit like that.  Do you
+know my aunt Mary's conscience?"
+
+"I have seen her at a distance, but am not acquainted with her.  She
+lives in the open air altogether, because no door is large enough to
+admit her."
+
+"I can believe that.  Let me see.  Do you know the conscience of that
+publisher who once stole some sketches of mine for a 'series' of his, and
+then left me to pay the law expenses I had to incur in order to choke him
+off?"
+
+"Yes.  He has a wide fame.  He was exhibited, a month ago, with some
+other antiquities, for the benefit of a recent Member of the Cabinet's
+conscience that was starving in exile.  Tickets and fares were high, but
+I traveled for nothing by pretending to be the conscience of an editor,
+and got in for half-price by representing myself to be the conscience of
+a clergyman.  However, the publisher's conscience, which was to have been
+the main feature of the entertainment, was a failure--as an exhibition.
+He was there, but what of that?  The management had provided a microscope
+with a magnifying power of only thirty thousand diameters, and so nobody
+got to see him, after all.  There was great and general dissatisfaction,
+of course, but--"
+
+Just here there was an eager footstep on the stair; I opened the door,
+and my aunt Mary burst into the room.  It was a joyful meeting and a
+cheery bombardment of questions and answers concerning family matters
+ensued.  By and by my aunt said:
+
+"But I am going to abuse you a little now.  You promised me, the day I
+saw you last, that you would look after the needs of the poor family
+around the corner as faithfully as I had done it myself.  Well, I found
+out by accident that you failed of your promise.  Was that right?"
+
+In simple truth, I never had thought of that family a second time!  And
+now such a splintering pang of guilt shot through me!  I glanced up at my
+Conscience.  Plainly, my heavy heart was affecting him.  His body was
+drooping forward; he seemed about to fall from the bookcase.  My aunt
+continued:
+
+"And think how you have neglected my poor protege at the almshouse, you
+dear, hard-hearted promise-breaker!"  I blushed scarlet, and my tongue
+was tied.  As the sense of my guilty negligence waxed sharper and
+stronger, my Conscience began to sway heavily back and forth; and when my
+aunt, after a little pause, said in a grieved tone, "Since you never once
+went to see her, maybe it will not distress you now to know that that
+poor child died, months ago, utterly friendless and forsaken!"
+My Conscience could no longer bear up under the weight of my sufferings,
+but tumbled headlong from his high perch and struck the floor with a
+dull, leaden thump.  He lay there writhing with pain and quaking with
+apprehension, but straining every muscle in frantic efforts to get up.
+In a fever of expectancy I sprang to the door, locked it, placed my back
+against it, and bent a watchful gaze upon my struggling master.  Already
+my fingers were itching to begin their murderous work.
+
+"Oh, what can be the matter!" exclaimed by aunt, shrinking from me, and
+following with her frightened eyes the direction of mine.  My breath was
+coming in short, quick gasps now, and my excitement was almost
+uncontrollable.  My aunt cried out:
+
+"Oh, do not look so!  You appal me!  Oh, what can the matter be?  What is
+it you see?  Why do you stare so?  Why do you work your fingers like
+that?"
+
+"Peace, woman!"  I said, in a hoarse whisper. "Look elsewhere; pay no
+attention to me; it is nothing--nothing.  I am often this way.  It will
+pass in a moment.  It comes from smoking too much."
+
+My injured lord was up, wild-eyed with terror, and trying to hobble
+toward the door.  I could hardly breathe, I was so wrought up.  My aunt
+wrung her hands, and said:
+
+"Oh, I knew how it would be; I knew it would come to this at last!
+Oh, I implore you to crush out that fatal habit while it may yet be time!
+You must not, you shall not be deaf to my supplications longer!"
+My struggling Conscience showed sudden signs of weariness!  "Oh, promise
+me you will throw off this hateful slavery of tobacco!"  My Conscience
+began to reel drowsily, and grope with his hands--enchanting spectacle!
+"I beg you, I beseech you, I implore you!  Your reason is deserting you!
+There is madness in your eye!  It flames with frenzy!  Oh, hear me, hear
+me, and be saved!  See, I plead with you on my very knees!"  As she sank
+before me my Conscience reeled again, and then drooped languidly to the
+floor, blinking toward me a last supplication for mercy, with heavy eyes.
+"Oh, promise, or you are lost!  Promise, and be redeemed!  Promise!
+Promise and live!"  With a long-drawn sigh my conquered Conscience closed
+his eyes and fell fast asleep!
+
+With an exultant shout I sprang past my aunt, and in an instant I had my
+lifelong foe by the throat.  After so many years of waiting and longing,
+he was mine at last.  I tore him to shreds and fragments.  I rent the
+fragments to bits.  I cast the bleeding rubbish into the fire, and drew
+into my nostrils the grateful incense of my burnt-offering.  At last, and
+forever, my Conscience was dead!
+
+I was a free man!  I turned upon my poor aunt, who was almost petrified
+with terror, and shouted:
+
+"Out of this with your paupers, your charities, your reforms, your
+pestilent morals!  You behold before you a man whose life-conflict is
+done, whose soul is at peace; a man whose heart is dead to sorrow, dead
+to suffering, dead to remorse; a man WITHOUT A CONSCIENCE!  In my joy I
+spare you, though I could throttle you and never feel a pang!  Fly!"
+
+She fled.  Since that day my life is all bliss.  Bliss, unalloyed bliss.
+Nothing in all the world could persuade me to have a conscience again.
+I settled all my old outstanding scores, and began the world anew.
+I killed thirty-eight persons during the first two weeks--all of them on
+account of ancient grudges.  I burned a dwelling that interrupted my
+view.  I swindled a widow and some orphans out of their last cow, which
+is a very good one, though not thoroughbred, I believe.  I have also
+committed scores of crimes, of various kinds, and have enjoyed my work
+exceedingly, whereas it would formerly have broken my heart and turned my
+hair gray, I have no doubt.
+
+In conclusion, I wish to state, by way of advertisement, that medical
+colleges desiring assorted tramps for scientific purposes, either by the
+gross, by cord measurement, or per ton, will do well to examine the lot
+in my cellar before purchasing elsewhere, as these were all selected and
+prepared by myself, and can be had at a low rate, because I wish to
+clear, out my stock and get ready for the spring trade.
+
+
+
+
+End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of Carnival of Crime in CT.
+by Mark Twain
+
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