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+Project Gutenberg's The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 3, by Robert H. Newell
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 3
+
+Author: Robert H. Newell
+
+Release Date: March 29, 2010 [EBook #31823]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS, SERIES 3 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE
+
+Orpheus C. Kerr Papers
+
+Are now comprised in three volumes, uniformly bound, price $1.50, each
+sold separately, entitled:
+
+    _FIRST SERIES_,
+    _SECOND SERIES_,
+    _THIRD SERIES_,
+
+To say that these criticisms of Orpheus C. Kerr are universally known,
+admired, and laughed at, would be superfluous. Their inimitable wit and
+sarcasm have made the author famous, and since his letters have been
+published in book form their circulation has been enormous Copies will
+be sent by mail _free_, on receipt of price, $1.50
+
+by
+
+CARLETON, Publisher,
+New York.
+
+
+
+
+THE
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.
+
+THIRD SERIES.
+
+Even M. Louvois, the prime-minister, taxed Sulli with his impudence,
+which, he said, by no means became a man who had no other recommendation
+but that of making people laugh. "Why, what the d--l!" cried Sulli;
+"you would do as much, if you were able!" ... and Sulli got the
+appointment.
+
+        MEMOIRS OF THE OPERA.
+
+
+
+NEW YORK:
+_Carleton, Publisher, 413 Broadway._
+MDCCCLXV.
+
+Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by
+
+GEO. W. CARLETON,
+
+In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern District
+of New York.
+
+Cambridge Press.
+DAKIN AND METCALF.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+                                                                 PAGE
+
+LETTER LXXX.
+
+Reporting our Uncle Abe's latest little Tale. Our Correspondent's
+Historical Chaunt. The Boston Novel of "Mr. Smith". And a Funeral
+Discourse by the devout Chaplain of the Mackerel Brigade.           7
+
+LETTER LXXXI.
+
+Showing how a Minion of Tyranny was terribly punished for
+interfering with the conservative Women of America. And describing
+the Kentucky Chap's remarkable Skirmish with his Thanksgiving
+Dinner.                                                            25
+
+LETTER LXXXII.
+
+Noting the utter Destruction, by an inebriated Journalist, of the
+Venerable Gammon's benignant Speech. Introducing the new General of
+the Mackerel Brigade. And describing a curious Phenomenon on Duck
+Lake.                                                              34
+
+LETTER LXXXIII.
+
+Referring to Washington City and the President's Message, and giving
+the Southern Confederacy's very reasonable Peace Proposition.      43
+
+LETTER LXXXIV.
+
+Proving that Russia is indeed our Friend. Instancing the terrific
+Bombardment of Paris. And telling how the new General of the
+Mackerel Brigade delighted all with his surprising "Shape".        51
+
+LETTER LXXXV.
+
+Holding the Government strictly accountable for the Occurrence of a
+recent "Military Necessity". Recounting the affecting Episode of the
+Mackerel Drummer-Boy. And depicting the new Mackerel General's first
+great Battle.                                                      57
+
+LETTER LXXXVI.
+
+Touching upon a late Ovation to a Parent of his Country. Giving the
+Conservative Kentucky Map of all America. And introducing a second
+new General of the Mackerel Organization.                          66
+
+LETTER LXXXVII.
+
+In which our Correspondent has a deadly Affair of Honor with a
+Gentleman from Kentucky. Experiences "Contraband" Hospitality and
+Melody. Attends a great Meeting in Accomac. And witnesses a
+prodigious Naval Achievement.                                      73
+
+LETTER LXXXVIII.
+
+Concerning Intellectual Giants and Pins. With a few Words as to
+certain Dramatic Street-Scenes supposed to be of daily Occurrence.
+An affecting Western Poem. And a brief Glimpse of an ordinary
+Cavalry Dash.                                                      88
+
+LETTER LXXXIX.
+
+Showing how the great City of Rome has been ruined by the War.
+Citing a notable Instance of Contempt of Court. Describing Rear
+Admiral Head's wonderful Improvement in Swivel Guns. And proving
+that all is now Ready for the Reduction of Fort Piano.            101
+
+LETTER XC.
+
+Giving a deep Insight of Woman's Nature. Presenting a powerful Poem
+of the Heart by one of the Intellectual Females of America. And
+reporting the signal Discomfiture of Mr. P. Greene.               111
+
+LETTER XCI.
+
+Containing the Venerable Gammon's Report of the Manner in which the
+War has conducted itself up to this Time. And the most Surprising
+Epitaph of a Victim of Strategy.                                  119
+
+LETTER XCII.
+
+In which our enthusiastic Correspondent surpasses Æschylus in the
+way of an Invocation. And describes Rear Admiral Head's great Naval
+Demonstration against Fort Piano.                                 128
+
+LETTER XCIII.
+
+Teeming with Consummate Strategy, and relating an extraordinary
+Geometrical Effort of Military Genius.                            135
+
+LETTER XCIV.
+
+Affording an Instance of Imperceptible Patriotism. Presenting the
+profound Commentary of an eminent foreign Military Critic. And
+Reporting the last Effusion of the General of the Mackerel
+Brigade.                                                          143
+
+LETTER XCV.
+
+Noting the continued Anguish of the Conservative Kentucky Chap, and
+the Death of Nemo. And describing an immense popular Demonstration
+against the Outrages of Federal Oppression.                       150
+
+LETTER XCVI.
+
+Devoted principally to Social Matters, and the benignant Bearing of
+V. Gammon at a Diplomatic Soirée.                                 158
+
+LETTER XCVII.
+
+Introducing the great Moral Exhibition of the "Effigynia". Glancing
+at a fourth new Mackerel General. And showing how the President's
+Draft on Accomac was protested at sight.                          164
+
+LETTER XCVIII.
+
+Recounting a chaste "Reconstruction" Anecdote of the Sixth Ward.
+And divulging Captain Villiam Brown's ingenious Alphabetical
+Experiment with Company Three.                                    172
+
+LETTER XCIX.
+
+In which our Correspondent is betrayed into Argument. But recovers
+in time to give us the usual Christmas Song and Story of the
+Renowned Brigade.                                                 181
+
+LETTER C.
+
+Giving divers Instances of strangely-mistaken Identity. And
+revealing a wise Method of saving the Country from Bankruptcy.    194
+
+LETTER CI.
+
+Explaining the well-meant Duplicity of the Journals of the
+Opposition. Affording another Glimpse of the Irrepressible
+Conservative Sentiment. And showing how Thanksgiving-Day was kept by
+the Mackerels.                                                    201
+
+LETTER CII.
+
+Showing the ingenious Financial Energy of a greatly reduced
+Politician. And Describing a Combat illustrative of the
+Philosophical Contentment of the well-known Southern Confederacy
+under all Reverses.                                               213
+
+LETTER CIII.
+
+Being another and final Christmas Report. Including a Small Story
+from our Uncle Abe. A Circular from the Secretary of State. A
+Supernatural Carol from Sergeant O'Pake. And a tremendous
+Ghost-Story from an unappreciated Genius.                         222
+
+LETTER CIV.
+
+Explaining, in a lucid and perfectly satisfactory Manner, the
+powerful Inactivity of that portion of the venerated Mackerel
+Brigade residing before the ancient City of Paris, and presenting
+certain genial Details of a recent Festive Conglomeration.        243
+
+LETTER CV.
+
+Being our Correspondent's last Effort prior to the Commencement of a
+new Mackerel Campaign. Introducing a metrical Picture of the most
+remarkable Single Combat on Record. And showing how the Romance of
+Woman's sensitive Soul can be crushed by the thing called Man.    254
+
+LETTER CVI.
+
+Wherein will be found certain profound Remarks upon the Variations
+of Gold, etc., and a wholesome little Tale illustrative of that
+famous Popular Abstraction, the Southern Treasury Note.           261
+
+LETTER CVII.
+
+Recording the latest Delphic Utterances of One whom we all honor
+without knowing why. And recounting the truly marvellous Affair of
+the Fort built according to Tacitus.                              267
+
+LETTER CVIII.
+
+Narrating the utterly unparalleled Conquest of Paris by the
+venerable Mackerel Brigade, after Three Days' inconceivable
+Strategy. In Fact, a Battle-Report after the Manner of all our
+excited Morning Journals. Upon perusing which, each Reader is
+expected to wrap himself up in the American Flag and shake his fist
+at Combined Europe.                                               277
+
+LETTER CIX.
+
+Which endeth the Third Volume of this inexpressibly veracious
+History of the War. And showeth how a Great Republic finally
+overcame its surpassingly Mendacious Foes, and how it evinced its
+unspeakable Gratitude to Providence for such a Victory.           289
+
+
+
+
+THE
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.
+
+THIRD SERIES.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER LXXX.
+
+    REPORTING OUR UNCLE ABE'S LATEST LITTLE TALE; OUR CORRESPONDENT'S
+    HISTORICAL CHAUNT; THE BOSTON NOVEL OF "MR. SMITH;" AND A FUNERAL
+    DISCOURSE BY THE DEVOUT CHAPLAIN OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., Jan. 4th, 1863.
+
+The more I see of our Honest Abe, my boy,--the more closely I analyze
+the occasional acts by which he individualizes himself as a unit
+distinct from the decimals of his cabinet,--the deeper grows my faith
+in his sterling wisdom. Standing a head and shoulders above the other
+men in power, he is the object at which the capricious lightnings of
+the storm first strike; and were he a man of wax, instead of the grand
+old rock he is, there would be nothing left of him but a shapeless and
+inert mass of pliable material by this time. There are deep traces of
+the storm upon his countenance, my boy; but they are the sculpture of
+the tempest on a natural block of granite, graduating the features of
+young simplicity into the sterner lineaments of the mature sublime, and
+shaping one of those strong and earnest faces which God sets, as
+indelible seals, upon the ages marked for immortality. Abused and
+misrepresented by his political foes, alternately cajoled and
+reproached by his other foes,--his political friends,--he still pursues
+the honest tenor of the obvious Right, and smiles at calumny. His
+good-nature, my boy, is a lamp that never goes out, but burns, with a
+steady light, in the temples of his mortality through all the dark
+hours of his time:
+
+    "As some tall cliff that rears its awful form,
+    Swells from the vale and midway leaves the storm;
+    Though round its base the rolling clouds are spread,
+    Eternal sunshine settles on its head."
+
+They tell a story about the Honest Abe which this good pen of mine
+cannot refrain from writing. A high moral, political chap from the
+Sixth Ward, having learned that there was a pleasing clerical vacancy
+in the Treasury Department, sought a hasty interview with the Honest
+Abe, and says he:
+
+"I am a member of our excellent National Democratic Organization, which
+is at this moment eligible for office, on the score of far more true
+loyalty to the Union of our forefathers than can be found in any other
+organization of the present distracting period. I will admit," says the
+genial chap, in a fine burst of honesty, "that our Organization has
+done much for the sake of the South in times past; I will admit that we
+have seemingly sided with the sunny South for the sake of our party. I
+will admit," says this candid chap, with a slight cough, "that our
+excellent Democratic Organization has at times seemed to sympathize
+with our wayward sisters for the sake of itself _as_ an Organization.
+But now," says the impressive chap majestically, "having heard the
+recent news from Sumter, the excellent Organization of which I am a
+part, stands ready to sacrifice everything for the sake of the Union,
+and demands that it shall be admitted to all the privileges of
+undisguised loyalty."
+
+Here the excited chap blushed ingenuously, and says he:
+
+"Any offices which you might have to dispose of would be acceptable to
+the Organization of which I am a prominent part."
+
+The Honest Abe was wiping the blade of his jack-knife with his thumb at
+the time, and says he:
+
+"What you say about the present willingness of the Organization to
+sacrifice everything for the sake of the Union, neighbor, reminds me of
+a small tale. When I was beating the prairies for clients in Illinois,"
+says the Honest Abe, smiling at the back of the hand in which he held
+the jack-knife,--"when I was stalking for clients, I knew an old 'un
+named Job Podger, who lived at Peoria."
+
+Here the honest Abe leaned away over the arm of his chair toward the
+attentive political chap, and says he--
+
+"Podger didn't know as much as would fill a four-inch spelling-book;
+but he had enough money to make education quite dispensable, and his
+wife knew enough for all the rest of the family. This wife was a very
+good woman in her way," says the Honest Abe, kindly,--"she was a very
+good woman in her way, and made my friend Podger so happy at home that
+he never dared to go away from home without her permission. Her
+temper," says the Honest Abe, putting one of his feet upon the sill of
+the nearest window,--"her temper was of the useful nature to keep my
+friend Podger and the children sufficiently warm all the year round,
+and I don't think she ever called Job Podger an Old Fool except when
+company was present. If she had one peculiarity more than another, it
+was this: she was always doing something for Podger's sake."
+
+Here the political chap was seized with a severe cough; but the Honest
+Abe only smiled pleasantly at his jack-knife, and went on:
+
+"She was always doing something for Podger's sake. Did she buy a new
+dress, it was for Podger's sake; did she have a tea-party and a
+quilting-bee, it was solely for the sake of Podger; did she refuse to
+contribute for the fund of the heathen, it was solely on account of Mr.
+Podger. But her strong point in this matter," says the Honest Abe,
+leaning back in his chair against the wall, and scraping the sole of
+his left boot with his knife, "her strong point was, that she endured a
+great deal of suffering for Podger's sake. Did she sprain her ankle on
+the cellar-stairs, she would say: 'Just see what I suffer for _your_
+sake, Podger;' did she have a sick headache from drinking too much
+Young Hyson, she would tie up her face in camphor, and say: 'Only see,
+Podger, how much I bear for _your_ sake;' did she catch cold from
+standing too long before a dry-goods shop window, she would go and sit
+in a dark room with a flannel stocking round her neck, murmuring: 'I
+was a goose ever to marry such a fool of a man as you be,--but I am
+willing to suffer even this for _your_ sake.' In fact," says the Honest
+Abe, commencing to cut his nails,--"in truth, that woman was always
+suffering for Podger's sake, and Podger felt himself to be a guilty
+man.
+
+"One day, I remember, my friend Podger and his wife were going to
+Chicago to buy a new set of furs for Podger's sake, and just as Podger
+got comfortably nested in his seat in the car, the suffering woman ate
+a lozenge, and says she: 'I shan't be fit to live, Podger, if you don't
+go out to the baggage car again, and make certain sure that they'll get
+all our baggage.'
+
+"Now Podger had been out six times before to see about the same thing,"
+says the Honest Abe, earnestly; "he'd been out six times before, and
+began to feel wrathy. '_Our_ baggage!' says he, 'OUR baggage! Mrs.
+Podger.' Here my friend Podger grew very red in the face, and says he:
+'I rather like that, you know,--OUR baggage!--two brass-bound trunks
+and covers, belonging to Mrs. Podger; three carpet-bags and one
+reticule with steel lock, the property of Mrs. P.; two bandboxes and a
+green silk umbrella, belonging to Mary Jane Podger; three shawls tied
+up in a newspaper, and two baskets, owned by Mrs. M. J. Podger; one
+clean collar and a razor, carried by Job Podger. OUR baggage!'
+
+"Here my friend Podger attempted to laugh sardonically behind his
+collar, and came near going straight into apoplexy. Would you believe
+it," says the Honest Abe, poking the political chap in the ribs with
+his jack-knife, "would you believe it? Mrs. Podger burst at once into
+bitter tears, and says she: 'Oh, o-h! a-hoo-hoo-hoo! to think I should
+have to suffer in this way for my husband's sake!' It wasn't long after
+that," says the Honest Abe, lowering his tone, "it wasn't very long
+after that, when Mrs. P. took a violent cold on her lungs, from
+standing too long on the damp ground at a camp-meeting for Podger's
+sake, and was soon a very sick woman.
+
+"What particularly frightened my friend Podger was, that she didn't say
+that this was for his sake for two whole days, and in his horror of
+mind he went and brought a clergyman to see her. This clergyman," says
+the Honest Abe, with reverence of manner, "this clergyman was not one
+of those sombre, forlorn pastors, who would make you think that it is a
+grievous thing to be a priest unto your benignant Creator; he rather
+indicated by his ever-cheerful manner that the only perpetual happiness
+is to be found in a life of pious ministrations. When he followed my
+friend Podger to the bedside, he smiled encouragingly at the sick Mrs.
+P., and rubbed his hands, and says he: 'How do we find ourselves now,
+my dear madam? Are we about to die this pleasant morning?' She answered
+him feebly," says the Honest Abe, feelingly, "she answered him feebly,
+for she was very weak. She said that she feared she had not spent her
+life as she should, but trusted that the prayers she had breathed
+during her hours of pain would not be unanswered. 'Ah!' said she, 'I
+feel that I could suffer still more than I have suffered, for my
+Intercessor's sake!'
+
+"The moment she uttered these last words," says the Honest Abe, "the
+moment she uttered these words, my friend Podger, who had been standing
+near the door, the very picture of misery, suddenly gave a start,
+brightened up with a look of intense joy, beckoned the clergyman to
+follow him into the kitchen, and fairly danced down stairs. In fact,
+the good minister found him dancing about the kitchen like one
+possessed, and says he:
+
+"'Mr. Podger! Job Podger! I am shocked. What can you mean by such
+conduct?'
+
+"My friend Podger caught him around the neck, and says he:
+
+"'She's going to get well--she's going to get well! I knew she wouldn't
+go and leave her poor old silly Job in that way. Oh, an't I a happy old
+fool, though!'
+
+"The clergyman stepped back in alarm, and says he:
+
+"'Are you mad, sir? How do you know your wife will get well?'
+
+"Poor Podger looked upon the parson with a face that fairly beamed, and
+says he: 'How do I _know_ it? Why, didn't you hear her yourself? _She's
+commenced to call me names!_'"
+
+Here the Honest Abe smiled abstractedly out of the window, and says he:
+
+"She did get well, too, and lived to suffer often again for Podger's
+sake: You see," says the Honest Abe, turning suddenly upon the
+political chap, as though he had not seen him before,--"you see, Mrs.
+Podger had been so much in the habit of suffering everything for my
+friend Podger's sake, that when she spoke of suffering even for the
+noblest cause, he naturally thought she was only calling names. And
+that's the way," says the Honest Abe, cheerfully, "that's the way with
+your Democratic Organization. It has been so long in the habit of
+sacrificing everything for the sake of the sunny South and Party, that
+when it talks of sacrificing both for the sake of the holy cause of
+Union, it seems to me as though it is only calling names!"
+
+Immediately upon the termination of this wholesome domestic tale, the
+political chap sprang from his seat, smiled feebly at the ceiling for a
+minute, crammed his hat down over his eyes, and fled greatly
+demoralized.
+
+The New Year, my boy, dawns blithely upon our distracted country as
+accurately predicted by the Tribune Almanac; and having given much deep
+thought to the matter, I am impressed with the conviction that the
+first of January is indeed the commencement of the year. There is
+something solemn in the idea; it is the period when our tailors send in
+their little bills, and when fresh thoughts of the negro race steal
+upon our minds. How many New Years have arrived only to find the
+unoffending American, of African descent, a hopeless bondman, toiling
+in hopeless servitude, and wearing coarse underclothing! Occasionally,
+my boy, he would wear a large seal ring, but it was always brass; and
+now and then he would exhibit a large breastpin, but it was always
+galvanized. When I see my fellow-men here wearing much jewelry, I think
+of the unoffending negro, and say to myself, "from the same shop, by
+all that's bogus!"
+
+'Twas on New-Year's Eve that I took prominent part in a great literary
+entertainment at the tent of Captain Villiam Brown, near the shore of
+Duck Lake; and responded to universal mackerel desire by sweetly
+singing an historical Southern
+
+    ROMAUNT.
+
+    I.
+
+    'Tis of a rich planter in Dixie I tell,
+    Who had for his daughter a pretty dam-sel;
+    Her name it was Linda De Pendleton Coates,
+    And large was her fortune in treasury notes.
+
+    CHORUS.--Concisely setting forth the exact value of those happy
+    treasury notes:
+
+    The treasury note of the Dixian knight
+    Possesses a value that ne'er comes to light,--
+    Except when the holder, too literal far,
+    May bring it to light as he lights his segar.
+
+    II.
+
+    Miss Linda's boudoir was a sight to behold:
+    A Northern man's breast-bone a shelf did uphold;
+    Of dried Yankee ribs all her boxes were full;
+    Her powder she kept in a Fire Zouave's skull.
+
+    CHORUS.--Beautifully explaining Southern taste for Northern bones,
+    and proving that an author's bones are sacred in the sight of
+    Southern damsels:
+
+    Your soft Southern maidens (like nations at large,
+    Who take the dear bones of their authors in charge)
+    Are so literary, they'd far rather scan
+    A Norther's dead bones than the best living man.
+
+    III.
+
+    She played the piano; embroidered also,
+    And worked worsted poodles and trees in a row;
+    Made knitting-work slippers that no one could wear,
+    And plastered pomatum all over her hair.
+
+    CHORUS.--Satisfactorily revealing to the curious fair sex why she
+    used pomatum when Bandoline was in fashion:
+
+    Though Bandoline surely excels all pomade,
+    The Southern supply couldn't run the blockade;
+    At first it _did_ bring an exorbitant sum,
+    And then contrabandoline straight did become.
+
+    IV.
+
+    As Linda was practising "Norma," one day,
+    Her father came in in his usual way;
+    And having first spat on the carpeted floor,
+    Went on to address her as never before:
+
+    CHORUS.--Showing conclusively why this tender parent had never done
+    so before:
+
+    On Southern plantations when money is flush
+    Paternal affection comes out with a gush:
+    But when, as in the war times, the cash is _non est_,
+    The Father is lost in the planter distressed.
+
+    V.
+
+    "My daughter, my Linda," he tenderly said,
+    "Your mother for several years has been dead;
+    But not until now could I muster the strength
+    To tell you what all must have found out at length."
+
+    CHORUS.--Casually demonstrating how it must really have been found
+    out at length:
+
+    The Dixian feminines, true to their sex,
+    To each other's precedents pay their respects;
+    And if there's a secret in any girl's life,
+    They're bound to disclose it before she's a wife.
+
+    VI.
+
+    "That you are my child, it were vain to deny;
+    But who was your mother? There, darling, don't cry.
+    The truth must be told, though it harrows me sore,
+    Your ma was an Octoroon slave,--nothing more."
+
+    CHORUS.--Analytical of morals in the sunny South, and touchingly
+    illustrative of the Institution affected by the Emancipation
+    Proclamation:
+
+    Your slave is your property, therefore 'tis clear
+    The child of your slave is your chattel fore'er;
+    Though you the child's father may happen to be,
+    That child is a slave,--otherwise, prop-er-ty.
+
+    VII.
+
+    "I've bred you, my darling, as ladies are bred,
+    You've got more outside than inside of your head;
+    But now, that your pa can no longer afford
+    A daughter to keep, you must go by the board."
+
+    CHORUS.--Concerning the manner of going by the board generally
+    adopted in the land of Chivalry:
+
+    The planter on finding his funds getting low,
+    Right straight to an auctioneer's shambles doth go;
+    And "Find me a ready-cash buyer," says he,
+    "To take his own pick out of my fam-i-ly."
+
+    VIII.
+
+    Miss Linda sprang up with a look of dismay:
+    "You surely don't mean, dear papa, what you say?"
+    Then spake the stern parent, nowise looking blue,
+    But smiling, in fact: "Well, I reckon I do."
+
+    CHORUS.--Calculated to account for the complacency of the tender
+    parent on this trying occasion:
+
+    Now what, after all, is a sale to the chit?
+    Some gallant may buy her and love her a bit;
+    One half of the women in marriages sought
+    Are simply and plainly and formally bought.
+
+    IX.
+
+    "Dear father," said Linda, "step out for a while,
+    I'll think the thing over, and merit your smile;
+    For if what I'd bring would relieve you the least,
+    I'll bring it myself, though I'm sold like a beast."
+
+    CHORUS.--Tending to deprecate any imputation on the maiden's
+    refinement that might follow her use of that last expression:
+
+    The culture of woman, as known in the South,
+    Tends greatly to widen and quicken the mouth;
+    And if a fair Southerner's language is coarse,
+    'Tis because nothing finer her style would endorse.
+
+    X.
+
+    The parent went out, and he stayed for an hour,
+    Having taken some punch and a Hennessey--sour;
+    And when he came back, 'twas his daughter he found
+    Slain by her own scissors, and dead on the ground.
+
+    CHORUS.--Suggesting facts to the coroner's jury, and clearing up
+    all mystery as to the lamentable suicide:
+
+    Since scissors for ripping out stitches are made,
+    A girl in extremity finds them an aid;
+    She's only to open them fairly and wide,
+    And give them a cut at the stitch in her side.
+
+    XI.
+
+    Beside the dead body a billet displayed,
+    Said, "See, dearest father, the mischief you've made;
+    I couldn't survive to be sold; for you know,
+    I'd far rather die than a sell-ibate go."
+
+    CHORUS.--Commenting genially on the idiosyncrasy of female
+    character evidenced in this revelation:
+
+    All over the world it is plain to espy
+    That woman a husband has e'er in her eye;
+    And if no fine fellow her husband can be,
+    She'll even take up with a _felo de se_!
+
+    XII.
+
+    The neighbors came in. "What a pity!" said they,
+    "To lose such a daughter, and in such a way."
+    "My daughter be hanged!" said the parent sublime,--
+    "_It's one thousand dollars I'm euchred this time!_"
+
+    CHORUS.--Deducing a beautiful and useful moral from this burst of
+    paternal agony:
+
+    My dear fellow-citizens, lay it to heart:
+    Who'd sell a young woman must work it up smart:
+    Or else, like the planter, whose story I've told,
+    He'll only go selling to find himself sold.
+
+When I had finished singing, Captain Samyule Sa-mith exhibited a small
+manuscript, and says he:
+
+"The noise having ceased, I will proceed to read a small moral tale,
+written by a young woman which lives in Boston, and is destined to
+become an eddycator of mankind. The fiction is called
+
+    "MR. SMITH.[1]
+
+"The first of April. You know the day. A point of time, an unit of
+twenty-four hours, with a night on each side of it, and the sun laid on
+top to keep it in its place. You have undoubtedly passed the day in New
+England at some period of your miserable life. You have felt your
+coarse nature repulsed, too, when some weary and desolate little child
+has dreamily pinned a bit of paper to the hinder-most verge of the
+garment men call a coat, and then called the attention of passers-by to
+your appearance. You have despised that little, weary, hollow-eyed
+child for it. Beware how you strike that child; for I tell you that the
+child is the germ of the thing they call man. The germ will develop; it
+will grow broadly and largely into the full entity of Manhood. In
+striking the present Child you strike the future Man. Ponder this
+thought well. Let it fester in your bosom.
+
+      [1] The idea that this moral and exciting tale appeared
+      originally in the _Atlantic Monthly_, is scornfully repelled by
+      the Editor of this work.
+
+"John Smith sat at his table, in the lowest depths of a dreamy
+coal-mine, and helped himself to some more pork and beans. I know not
+what there was way down in the black recesses of the man's hidden soul
+to make him want so much pork and beans. I look into my heart to find
+an answer to the question, but no answer comes. Providence does not
+reveal all things to us. Is it not well it should be so?
+
+"He was a hard, iron-looking, adamantine man. His eyes were glowing
+furnaces for the crucibles of thought. You felt that he saw you when he
+looked at you. His nose was like a red gothic tower built amidst broken
+angles of sullied snow, and his mouth was the cellar of that tower. His
+hair was of the sort that resists a comb. You have seen the same sort
+on the heads of men of great thought. It is the tangled bush in which
+the goat of Thought loses itself.
+
+"John Smith hiccupped, as he helped himself to some more pork and
+beans. He did not notice that the foot which he had semi-consciously
+placed on a pale, sickly child, was beginning to move. But it did move,
+and there crawled from under it the shape of a diseased dwarf of
+womanhood. This timid, pallid thing, uplifted itself to its bleeding
+feet, and nestled to the side of John Smith.
+
+"'Y'o hae been separated by unspeaking space from dis humble leetle
+place for some hours longer that zis boosom could uncomplainingly
+indure,--y'o have.'
+
+"The child meant to say, in its coarse, brutal, unlettered way, that
+the man had been absent too long.
+
+"John Smith helped himself to some more pork and beans. He was a man,
+you know, and could not answer without deep thought. He took his knife
+and wiped it thoughtfully upon her head, and then sawed off a sickly
+yellow curl. When he placed that curl on the same plate with the pork
+and beans, its coils seemed like those of some golden snake.
+
+"'Girletta,' he said, with the ring of iron in his tones, 'why is it
+that the beasts never want to marry? God made them as He made us; yet
+they never ask priests to make them slaves to each other.'
+
+"The sickly little waif cringed closer to that inscrutable great heart
+which underlaid a soul of eternal questioning. She shuddered like a
+wounded hog, but could not answer. An inward fever was devouring her.
+
+"The man took some more pork and beans. 'Girletta,' he said, almost
+fiercely, 'the beasts teach me a lesson; but I will not, dare not,
+SHALL not heed it. I want a home; my heart demands some one to work for
+me; to support me. I am weary of labor, and want some one to labor and
+toil and suffer for me, and do my washing. I love you. Have me.'
+
+"The atom of womanhood contorted her diseased features into the pale
+twist of agony, and her bosom heaved with stormy wavings, like the side
+of a tortured and choking brute. Falling to the ground, she writhed,
+and struggled, and kicked convulsively, as though seized with some
+inward pang. Then she rose slowly to her shattered little feet, and
+drew an old cupboard to the middle of the wretched cave and beat her
+head against it.
+
+"It was the child's first taste of that great mystery of perfect love
+which woman is doomed to share with the thing called Man.
+
+"'Yo'air indulging in secret cachinnation, at the expense of my sair
+heart.'
+
+"The child meant that he was laughing at her.
+
+"John Smith helped himself to some more pork and beans, and sat back in
+his stern, dark chair. What were his thoughts as he looked down on that
+miniature fragment of womanly humanity? Perhaps he thought that there
+might be angels way up in heaven just like her. Bright seraphs, with
+ruby eyes, and silver wings, and golden harps, and just such pale,
+haggard, gaunt, sunken, bleared little faces.
+
+"'Girletta,' he said, 'I hereby make thee mine. Take some of these pork
+and beans.'
+
+"She fell upon his bosom.
+
+"There let us leave them. Do you think they were any less happy,
+because they were way down in a dreamy, rayless coal-mine, where men
+work their souls away to give others warmth? If you think so, you have
+never felt what true love is. Your degraded and starless nature has
+never had one true soul to lean upon. When you lean upon a soul, you
+see everything through that soul, which gives its own hue to
+everything. Man's love is a pane in his bosom, and through that pane
+the eyes of woman look forth to see the new world. The medium is the
+ultimatum. God gives us love that we may live more cheaply and happily
+together than if we were separate. A bread-pudding is richer where
+there are two hearts, than plum-pudding is to one alone. The world will
+learn this yet, and then the lion will lie down with the lamb, and even
+you will be less depraved. The First of April found John Smith
+unmarried, but it left him nearly wedded. Let us think of this when the
+spring birds sing again. It will make us more human, more charitable,
+and fitter to be blest."
+
+As Samyule finished reading this excellent religious tale, my boy, I
+stole from the tent to meditate in silence upon the terrible revelation
+of human nature. Are there not dozens of Smiths in this world,--ay,
+even John Smiths? I should think so, my boy,--I should think so.
+
+On Friday morning, I went to Accomac, to attend the funeral of a young
+chap who had finished with delirium tremens, and was deeply affected by
+the funeral sermon of the Mackerel Chaplain, who had kindly volunteered
+for the occasion.
+
+Having shaken hands with the parents of deceased, the worthy man
+commenced the service.
+
+He said that man was born to die. He had known a number of men to die,
+and believed that death was every man's lot. If our dear brother here
+could speak, he would say that it was his lot. What was death, after
+all, but an edict of liberty? Death was the event that set us free, and
+freedom was a priceless blessing. Political demagogues pretended to
+believe that certain men should be the slaves of other men, because
+their skins were a little darker than the others. What a bright
+argument was this! If dark skins disentitled men to freedom, he (the
+speaker) could point out more than one Democrat who certainly ought to
+be a slave. (Great laughter.) Freedom was plainly the condition
+Providence intended for all men, without regard to color, no matter
+what Tammany Hall might say to the contrary. It was because we had
+permitted a violation of this condition in the cases of four millions
+of fellow-beings, that this terrible war had come upon us. We could
+only conquer by declaring the slaves, now and forever, FREE!
+(Tumultuous and enthusiastic applause.) It was the duty of every loyal
+man to see that this principle was carried out, even as they were about
+to carry their departed brother out: though it must not be inferred
+that he meant it should be carried out on _beer_. (Great laughter.)
+When we had once settled this matter at home, we could afford to say to
+John Bull and Louis Napoleon: "Interfere if you dare. We are ready for
+you both." [Male parent of the deceased--"Why don't you go and fight
+yourself?"] That gentleman who spoke then, is as bad as the patient who
+said to the doctor who was recommending some wholesome medicine to him:
+"Why don't you take it yourself, if it's good?" (Great laughter and
+applause.) But he would detain them no longer, or the papers would say
+that he had talked politics.
+
+At the conclusion of this discourse, my boy, the male parent of the
+deceased offered the following preamble and resolution:
+
+WHEREAS, It has pleased an inscrutable and all-wise Providence to free
+our departed brother from the bonds of life; and
+
+WHEREAS, Freedom is the normal condition of all mankind: therefore, be
+it
+
+RESOLVED, That we will vote for no man who is not in favor of Universal
+Liberty, without respect to color.
+
+Passed, unanimously.
+
+Politics, my boy, are, in themselves, a distinct system of life and
+death; and when we say that a man is politically dead, we mean that
+even his en-graving is forgotten; and that the brick which he carries
+in his hat is a species of head-stone.
+
+Yours, post obit,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER LXXXI.
+
+    SHOWING HOW A MINION OF TYRANNY WAS TERRIBLY PUNISHED FOR
+    INTERFERING WITH THE CONSERVATIVE WOMEN OF AMERICA; AND DESCRIBING
+    THE KENTUCKY CHAP'S REMARKABLE SKIRMISH WITH HIS THANKSGIVING
+    DINNER.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., Jan. 7th, 1863.
+
+As I make it a practice to pay all my honest debts, my boy, and have
+never flagellated a person of African descent, I could not properly
+come under the head of "Chivalry" in an American dictionary, though I
+might possibly come under its feet in the "Union-as-it-Was;" yet I have
+that in my nature which revolts at the thought of a war against women,
+and am sufficiently chivalrous to defend any cause whose effects are
+crinoline. The bell-shaped structure called Woman, my boy, was created
+expressly to conquer unresisting adversaries; to win engagements
+without receiving a blow, and to do pretty much as she pleases, by
+pleasing pretty much as she does. She is a harmless creation of
+herself, my boy; and to war directly against her because she may chance
+to influence her male friends to war against us, is about as sensible
+as it would be to execrate our hatter because a gust of wind blows our
+new beaver into the mud. If the hatter had not made the hat, the wind
+could not have blown it off, and if God had not made women, she could
+not encourage the well-known Southern Confederacy against us; but shall
+we turn enemy to the hatter, or to the woman, on this account? Not if
+we know ourselves, my boy, and recognize the high moral spirit of
+justice observable in the Constitution.
+
+Being thus possessed of a reverence for that sex whose bonnets remind
+me of cake-baskets, I cannot refrain from frowning indignantly upon
+that horrible spirit of national tyranny which has inspired Sergeant
+O'Pake, of the demoralized Mackerel Brigade, to issue the following
+
+    "GENERAL ORDER."
+
+    "For the purpose of simplifying national strategy to those
+    conservative women of America who, while engaged in the pursuit of
+    happiness as guaranteed by the Constitution, desire to visit the
+    Southern Confederacy, it is ordered that they shall answer the
+    following paternal questions before passing the lines of the
+    Mackerel Brigade:
+
+       "I. For how many years has your age been Just Twenty-two?
+
+      "II. How many novels do you consume per week?
+
+     "III. Were you ever complained of to the authorities for
+    inordinate piano-forte playing?
+
+      "IV. Do you work slippers for the heathen?
+
+       "V. If so; for _what_ He, then?
+
+      "VI. What newspaper's 'Marriages and Deaths' do you consider the
+    best?
+
+     "VII. In selecting a church to attend, what colored prayer-book do
+    you find most becoming to your complexion?
+
+    "VIII. How much display of neck do you consider necessary to
+    indicate a Modesty which shrinks from showing an ankle?
+
+      "IX. Did you ever stoop to folly? or is it Folly alone that
+    stoops to you?
+
+       "X. Did you ever eat as much as you wanted at dinner, when
+    members of the opposite sex were opposite?
+
+    "It is also ordered that no female visitor to the celebrated
+    Southern Confederacy shall carry more than eight large trunks and a
+    bonnet-box for each month in the year; and that no female shall
+    pass the line, whose dimensions in full dress exceed the ordinary
+    space between two pickets, as the latter will, on no account be
+    permitted to edge away from their stations at this trying crisis in
+    the history of our distracted country.
+
+    "O'PAKE,
+    "Sergeant Mackerel Brigade."
+
+This inhuman order had scarcely been issued when there came to the
+Mackerel lines in front of Paris a virtuous young female, aged 23 with
+the figures reversed, who was disgusted with the great vulgarity of the
+North, and wished to visit the marriageable Southern Confederacy,
+having heard that the Confederacy was carefully Husbanding its
+resources. Being a poor girl, with "nothing to wear," she only had
+seven Saratoga trunks, ten bandboxes, fourteen small carpet-bags, and a
+lap-dog; yet the ill-bred O'Pake was suspicious enough to examine one
+of her trunks.
+
+He ruthlessly opened it in her presence, my boy, and quickly met with
+the horrible fate which was at once immortalized by the Mackerel
+Chaplain in the following awful presentment:
+
+    "THE AVENGING SKELETON."
+
+    "When tyrant purpose made the martial fool
+      With brief authority profoundly drunk,
+    Unto his minions issued forth a rule,
+      To search each Southward-going woman's trunk.
+
+    "There was a Sergeant of the Mack'rel ranks
+      Made one attempt to carry out the law;
+    But ah!--to Providence a thousand thanks!--
+      He met a doom to fill the soul with awe.
+
+    "Scarce had his impious hands the task begun;--
+      Scarce had he ope'd the vast and mammoth thing,--
+    When, from the trunk's interior Phlegethon,
+      Came forth a horrid phantom, with a spring!
+
+    "It was a dreadful monster, without flesh,
+      Made up of ever-less'ning, perfect hoops;
+    More terrible to vision than secesh,
+      With all his ragged, whiskey-drinking troops.
+
+    "The wretched Sergeant started back with fear,
+      And would have 'scaped the penalty incurred;
+    But, ah! the spectre caught him by an ear,
+      And held him trembling like a prisoned bird.
+
+    "Wrought up to frenzy by mishap so dire,
+      He struck the phantom in his thoughtless rage;
+    But 'twas like fanning to put out a fire,
+      And straight his hand was tangled in a cage!
+
+    "And then his other tyrant hand he tried
+      To ease the springs that pressed him ev'rywhere;
+    His futile blow the Skeleton defied,--
+      His other hand was taken in a snare!
+
+    "Then round his form the dread avenger coiled,
+      Like snakes' backbones in unelastic curl;
+    By prison-bars his wished retreat is foiled,
+      And in a cage behold the trembling churl.
+
+    "Still mad with terror at his grievous plight,
+      He lifts a foot, as though to kick at last;
+    When, lo! his leg goes through an op'ning slight,
+      And there two wiry circles hold it fast.
+
+    "He plunges, staggers, tries to tear the bands
+      Which make that woman's Skeleton complete;
+    Then reeleth blindly unto where she stands,
+      And falls in helpless bondage at her feet!"
+
+When the poor tool of tyranny was released from this terrific skeleton,
+he looked as bewildered as one who had just returned from the outskirts
+of civilization; but still his fiendish taste for trunk-inspection was
+not conquered. He returned to the edge of the wardrobe abyss, drew
+forth an immense white article, and says he:
+
+"Do my spectacles relate a fiction, or is this indeed a Sibley tent for
+the use of the Confederacy?"
+
+At this moment the excellent young woman hastily snatched the article
+away from him, and says she:
+
+"You nasty thing, that's my"--here she blushed.
+
+At times, my boy, woman's blush is the imperial banner of virgin
+Modesty thrown out to catch the breeze that wafts the sound of coming
+rescue, and means: "_God is my defence._" At other times, it is the
+eloquent protest of a fine intelligence which deprecates the test that
+would turn all its hidden beauties to the public eye, and means:
+_Humility is born of Genius._ But in this case, it was the lurid flush
+of anger, and meant--_a petticoat_.
+
+Not wishing to further betray the reproachful fact that he was an
+unmarried Mackerel, Sergeant O'Pake closed the trunk with emphasis, and
+permitted the triumphant young woman of America to trip it lightly to
+the South.
+
+The Mackerel Brigade at present constitutes one of three parallel
+lines, the other two being the celebrated City of Paris and the well
+known Southern Confederacy. Paris is the central one, and may be called
+the line of battle, over which the Orange County Howitzers are
+continually hurling shot and shell at the glorious sun. During the day
+it is much frequented by Southern Confederacies, who drink anything
+that will pour into a tumbler; and in the evening it is visited by our
+indomitable troops, who go to look at the empty bottles. You may ask,
+my boy, why the Confederacies are not routed, and Paris occupied? I
+answer, that the new General of the Mackerel Brigade will not attack an
+inferior force, and is waiting until there shall be something worth
+killing on the opposite side. Too often did the former General of the
+Mackerel Brigade make the mistake this high-minded conduct is intended
+to avoid; too often, after an interval of only a few months, did he
+lead the majestic Mackerels ahead of him into the field, and then
+hastily retire, upon finding that the Confederacies were too inferior
+in numbers to make their conquest worth while. But we shall have no
+more such mistakes, for the new General will not move against the foe
+until the latter is strong enough to make carnage desirable. Besides,
+the man who was to build a bridge across Duck Lake, could not come last
+week, on account of the rain, and there are no ferryboats running.
+
+On Thanksgiving Day, however, we had a skirmish of thrilling intensity.
+The conservative Kentucky chap, my boy, has got command of Company 2,
+Regiment 1, and having drilled them in swearing, to the sound of the
+Emancipation Proclamation, for a whole fortnight, he has brought them
+to a high state of discipline and profanity. On Thursday morning, just
+after one of our scouts had cleaned his spectacles, he beheld a
+Confederate turkey emerge from this side of Paris and proceed to insult
+the United States of America by hideous gobblings. The alarm was at
+once given, and after swearing at his men to give them confidence, the
+conservative Kentucky chap led them forth to capture the obscene bird.
+Onward pushed the spectacled veterans, with fixed bayonets, addressing
+their eyes with pleasant oaths, and hoping that they might meet Horace
+Greeley.
+
+The Confederate turkey was eating a worm at the moment, and only paused
+long enough to eye our troops with that species of disdain which comes
+of Southern birth. He felt, as it were, that he was protected by the
+Constitution of our forefathers.
+
+The conservative Kentucky chap, being fond of turkey for dinner
+himself, waved his glittering sword above his head, and says he:
+
+"The South has brought this upon herself. Make ready.--"
+
+He was about to add "Fire!" my boy! but he had just put on his
+spectacles, and a sudden change came over his Kentucky countenance.
+Says he:
+
+"For Heaven's sake, don't fire! Vallandigham me," says he, staring
+right over the turkey,--"Vallandigham me, if I didn't come near telling
+them to shoot! And there's a nigger coming after the turkey as sure as
+death. Ah! what an escape!"
+
+A Mackerel chap, who had noticed his staring and great agitation,
+approached respectfully, and says he:
+
+"Does a obstacle to victory protrude?"
+
+The conservative Kentucky chap spat at a copy of the "Tribune," which
+he threw upon the ground for the purpose, and says he:
+
+"Notwithstanding any Proclamations whatsoever, Kentucky is not waging
+this war against the institution of slavery. In the dim distance I
+behold a contraband apparently approaching the turkey, and there must
+be no bombardment until he has returned to his rightful owner."
+
+The Mackerel chap wiped his boots with the "Tribune," and says he:
+
+"I do not see our brother Africa at all."
+
+Here the Confederate turkey, who had finished his worm, turned heavily
+from the scene, and presently disappeared on the other side of Paris.
+
+The Kentucky chap still kept staring afar off, and says he:
+
+"Why, I can see him, though he appears to be at a great distance."
+
+Now it chanced, my boy, that while the conservative Kentucky chap was
+saying this, the Mackerel chap gazed at him fixedly, and then says he,
+in just astonishment:
+
+"Methinks there is a object on one of the glasses of your spectacles,
+Capting."
+
+Frantically the Kentucky chap tore off his spectacles, and discovered
+upon one of the glasses an object indeed. It was a small picture of a
+negro minstrel, my boy, cut from the show-bill of some country band,
+and pasted upon the spectacles of Kentucky's rising son. It had been
+secretly placed there the night before by a Democratic chap from the
+Sixth Ward, to give a constitutional turn to the war.
+
+The mind's eye of Conservatism, my boy, looks upon the war through
+spectacles so seldom cleaned, that what most offends it, is more than
+likely to be what exists only in its own looking-glasses.
+
+Yours, spectacularly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER LXXXII.
+
+    NOTING THE UTTER DESTRUCTION, BY AN INEBRIATED JOURNALIST, OF THE
+    VENERABLE GAMMON'S BENIGNANT SPEECH; INTRODUCING THE NEW GENERAL OF
+    THE MACKEREL BRIGADE; AND DESCRIBING A CURIOUS PHENOMENON ON DUCK
+    LAKE.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., Jan. 15th, 1863.
+
+The venerable Gammon, has melted sadly home to Mugville since the
+removal of the late idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade, and a
+worshipping peasantry are exasperated at his unnatural wrongs.
+
+I cannot exactly, see, my boy, how this venerable man is so deeply
+injured by the said removal; in fact, it does not appear to me that he
+can have any interest in the change whatever; but his appearance of
+deep affliction has called scalding tears to all beholding eyes, and
+the attached populace crawl in the dust at the subduing aspect of his
+inexpressible woe.
+
+It was on the Tuesday evening of this revered and aged patriot's
+arrival in adoring Mugville, that he was tumultuously serenaded by the
+brass-band of the Young Men's Democratic Christian Association, which
+is composed exclusively of constitutional chaps. He was frantically
+besought to respond; and then it was that he fell a hapless and
+venerable victim to the great, heart-rending mistake of an inebriated
+reporter for a reliable morning journal. The beloved old being meant to
+make only a few pithy, telling remarks to the enthusiastic band, and
+this was, in fact, his veritable
+
+    SPEECH.
+
+    "Thank you for your compliment. (A voice: '_How are you, old
+    boots?_' '_We're the boys to give the Rebels comfort!_' and
+    cheers.) We are here to-night to stand by the Constitution. (A
+    voice: '_What's old Abe about?_' '_Locking up good Democrats in
+    Fort Lafayette!_' '_Well, it's our own fault, you know._' '_We
+    deserve worse treatment!_' and hisses.) We abhor these Rebels as
+    much as the Black Republicans (a voice: '_We can give the Rebels
+    what they want!_' and applause), but we also hate home-tyranny. Why
+    was the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade removed? (A voice:
+    '_To please the Rebels!_ '_We have licked the Black Republicans in
+    New York!_' '_We've done the Rebels!_' '_Good!_') To spite us!
+    That's so, boys! (A voice: '_And we'll make them love us yet?_'
+    '_The New York election tickles them!_' and cheers.) Whose good was
+    he removed for? (A voice: '_For Jeff Davis!_' '_Three cheers,
+    boys!_' and great enthusiasm.) Let History show! (A voice: '_We'll
+    make him President in 1864!_') Good night."
+
+Here you have the true speech of the Venerable Gammon, my boy, with all
+those patriotic interruptions which lend such a chaste rhetorical charm
+to the extemporized oratory of our distracted country; but how shall I
+express the pangs which tore the breasts of the fond populace, when the
+reliable morning journal of Mugville came out next morning with six
+pounds of heavy editorial to show that the Venerable Gammon had
+ruthlessly betrayed the excellent national Democratic organization! How
+shall I depict the public misery that ensued in Mugville when that
+reliable morning journal, upon the authority of its inebriated
+reporter, gave _this_ as a correct report of the revered patriarch's
+
+    SPEECH.
+
+    The speaker said: "How are you, old boots? (A voice: '_Thank you
+    for your compliment._') We're the boys to give the Rebels comfort
+    and cheers. (A voice: '_We are here to-night to stand by the
+    Constitution!_') What's old Abe about? Locking up good Democrats in
+    Fort Lafayette! Well; it's our own fault, you know; we deserve
+    worse treatment and hisses. (A voice: '_We abhor these Rebels as
+    much as the Black Republicans!_') We can give the Rebels what they
+    want and applause. (A voice: '_But we also hate home tyranny!_'
+    '_Why was the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade removed?_')
+    To please the Rebels we have licked the Black Republicans in New
+    York; we've done the Rebels good. (A voice: '_To spite us, that's
+    so, boys!_') And we'll make them love us yet! The New York election
+    tickles them, and cheers. (A voice: '_Whose good was he removed
+    for?_') For Jeff Davis three cheers, boys, and great enthusiasm. (A
+    voice: '_Let history show!_') We'll make him President in 1864! (A
+    voice: '_Good night!_')"
+
+You see, my boy, this horrible twistification was the result of the
+reporter's getting confused about who was the speaker--him on the hotel
+balcony or the talkative chaps in the street. If our excellent national
+Democratic Organization would have less talking during their public
+speeches, my boy, there need be no such inhuman mistakes as that which
+has calumniated and utterly prostrated the Venerable Gammon.
+
+On Wednesday I took a trot on the war-path upon the architectural
+street, Pegasus, and found the veteran Mackerel Brigade back at Paris
+again. They had made a great march from the Blue Ridge, my boy, and
+when I reached the front I found a scientific chap from Cincinnati
+taking observations. He stuck a tall stick into the ground, and
+scratched a long line on the damp sod, from the foot of this stick to
+the extreme right of the spectacled Brigade, letting the toes of the
+front rank of the Mackerels just touch it. Then he attached a powerful
+magnifying-glass to about the centre of the upright stick, and
+commenced looking through it very intently all along the line he had
+drawn.
+
+I observed him attentively, and says I: "What is the nature of your
+contract with the Government, my serious friend?"
+
+He rubbed the glass with his blue silk pocket-handkerchief, and says
+he: "I have invented this useful arrangement to ascertain whether or
+not the Army of Accomac is really advancing. I closely watch the line
+to which the toes of the front rank of the army are already very near,
+and could almost swear that the forward movement is still going on. The
+average speed of this army," says the scientific chap, calculatingly,
+"has hitherto been six miles in six weeks; but now that the war is
+about to commence in earnest, I think that the troops are making better
+time."
+
+And so they were, my boy, so they were; for the heel of the first
+rank's boots were almost on the line in less than an hour,--no
+Confederacies being in sight.
+
+Noticing a circle of Mackerel Officers a short distance in my rear, I
+dismounted from Pegasus and walked thither for greater speed,
+discovering that the brilliant staff were admiring the great equestrian
+gambols of the new General of the Mackerel Brigade.
+
+The new General is a dignified, middle-aged chap, my boy, with a face
+which expresses many whiskers, and an eye to look you through and
+through when your meaning is transparent. He is not quite two yards
+high, has a head which looks like a lustrous apple-dumpling, dropped
+into the middle of a window-brush, and graduates downward into his
+boots without seeming to be either growing out of them, or running
+through them.
+
+And he is none of your military popinjays, my boy, all plastered with
+buttons and gold lace, but an earnest, hardworking soldier. His dress
+for the field is characterized by genuine republican simplicity, and
+consists of hardworking corduroy breeches, sternly patched; an earnest
+pea-jacket, resolutely out at the elbows; a pair of straightforward
+slippers, unflinchingly ragged around the toes, and an untrifling silk
+hat, determinedly mashed-in at various points. You feel as you look at
+him, my boy, that he means hard work, and is indifferent to good
+clothes as long as he can save his distracted country.
+
+On the majestic brow of a true hero, a shocking bad hat is a far
+nobler, more glittering crown, than the circle of filthy lucre which
+surmounts the head of Europe's bloated despot. Grander, far grander is
+the nightcap of a Washington, than any style of army cap I have yet
+seen.
+
+The new General was mounted upon a long-tailed cob, and his
+horsemanship thrilled this manly bosom with rapture. Did he wish to
+deliver an order to his aid, he but slightly tightened the reins of his
+horse, and at once the noble animal arose to his hind legs and fired
+off a pistol held for him by an orderly. Did he wish to go the rounds,
+he but touched the left flank of his horse, and straightway the
+sagacious charger struck into a graceful waltz, leaping over
+five-barred gates as he went along, and dashing through hoops held
+aloft by the troops. Did he desire to approach one of his Generals for
+consultation, he had but to give a low whistle, and forthwith the
+intelligent animal limped about on three feet, as though lame, and
+drank a bottle of wine presented to him by an orderly. Did he have an
+inclination to review his troops, he was compelled only to gently pinch
+his horse's neck, and at once the graceful beast laid down upon his
+side and pretended to die as naturally as any human being.
+
+In short, my boy, it is argued from the earnest new General's bad
+clothes, that he will speedily bring the war to a good close; and from
+his being such a particular horseman, that he will never become any
+party's footman.
+
+But let me change my subject for a time, and relate the great triumph
+of our new naval artillery on Duck Lake, which majestic sheet of water
+has returned to earth with the late rains.
+
+Rear Admiral Head has so improved the deadly swivel-gun of the Mackerel
+iron-plated squadron, that it will send a ball some distance without
+kicking the gunner overboard. The secret of this improvement is known
+only to the Government, my boy, and will be used to advantage when our
+gory conflict with combined Europe comes off.
+
+It was on Thursday morning, my boy, when an enthusiastic military mob,
+consisting of Captain Villiam Brown, Captain Bob Shorty, and myself,
+stood once more upon the familiar shore of Duck Lake. The squadron,
+which has been named the "Secretary Welles," having been launched upon
+the treacherous element by Rear Admiral Head and one Mackerel, we took
+out our pieces of smoked glass and prepared for the naval pageant.
+
+We could plainly see the stern old Rear Admiral bustling about on the
+gallant Grandmother of the Seas, as I may term the noble craft, and
+hear him swearing in his iron-plated manner.
+
+"Fracture my turret," says the old sea-dog, "if I don't think this gun
+will surpass the Armstrong; blockade me, if I don't."
+
+When it became the duty of the solitary Mackerel crew to load the awful
+instrument of destruction, it was discovered that the ramrod had been
+left behind at the Navy Yard Foundry. This nautical disaster might have
+marred the experiments, had not the Rear Admiral chanced to have his
+brown gingham umbrella along with him. This was used as a rammer, and
+the experiment proceeded.
+
+The first charge was twenty pounds of powder, not more than nineteen of
+them running out of the touchhole. The ball slightly touched the water
+and went down, the recoil of the squadron being only the width of Duck
+Lake.
+
+The second shot was made with only one pound of powder, as it was
+feared that the rudder might be strained by too much concussion, and we
+saw the ball drop into the ocean wave. At this shot, the "Secretary
+Welles" only hopped out of the water a few inches. The third shot was
+made with half a pound of powder, as it was not deemed advisable to do
+too much damage to the surrounding country by the gunnery.
+
+We were gazing intently at the merciless implement of death, through
+our smoked glass, when this shot was fired, and suddenly beheld a
+phenomenon which made us catch our breath.
+
+Mixed up with the fire and smoke, there emerged from the mouth of the
+swivel-gun, what appeared to be an immense brown bird of some kind,
+spreading its huge wings as if came out, and skimming wearily to the
+shore!
+
+Captain Bob Shorty commenced to quake, and says he:
+
+"It's a Confederate insect!"
+
+"No," says Villiam, lowering his smoked glass, and speaking in a solemn
+whisper, "It's the distracted bird of our country, floating spectrally
+on the battle-smoke. Ah!" says Villiam, abstractedly uncorking my
+canteen, "our distracted bird is no inseck."
+
+Was it indeed a majestic Eagle, my boy, stooping from his clouded
+heights to sanctify the terrible naval scene? I guess not, my boy,--I
+guess not; for we presently ascertained that, when the careless
+Mackerel crew rammed home that last charge, he heedlessly left
+Rear-Admiral Head's brown gingham umbrella sticking in the gun, and it
+was the flight of the umbrella we had witnessed.
+
+An umbrella, my boy, and a horse, may be said to have some relations.
+We put one up when it rains, and we rein the other up when we "put."
+
+Yours, good-naturedly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER LXXXIII.
+
+    REFERRING TO WASHINGTON CITY AND THE PRESIDENT'S MESSAGE, AND
+    GIVING THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY'S VERY REASONABLE PEACE
+    PROPOSITION.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., Jan. 28th, 1863.
+
+The city of Washington, my boy, without her Congress, is like a maiden
+without her plighted young man. She surveys herself in the mirror of
+the Potomac, and says she: "Where's my Congress, without whom I am like
+a gas bracket deserted by its old flame?" Alas! all flesh is gas, my
+boy, and some of our congressmen are very fleshy. Their presence it is
+that makes Washington a light for the world, and many of them who once
+rode high horses have alighted. At the present moment our distracted
+country is enveloped in darkest night, and the day seems so far off
+that many Mackerels despair of ever seeing payday, even. At such a time
+what a blessing is that Congress which burns to illumine us after the
+manner of an elaborate chandelier! It passes away to leave everything
+dark; it returns, and behold all is darkey.
+
+I was in my room at my hotel, when Congress commenced to arrive,
+conversing with Captain Bob Shorty; and, as a seedy-looking,
+middle-aged chap passed by on the opposite side of the street, the
+captain looked out of the window, and says he:
+
+"That's one of the new legislators, my Pythias."
+
+"How can you tell a new Solon from an old one?" says I, curiously.
+
+"Why," says Captain Bob Shorty, profoundly, "an old congressman never
+wears a tall hat. An old congressman," says Captain Bob Shorty, sagely,
+"always wears a soft hat, so that it wont be injured by being knocked
+over his eyes."
+
+I pondered deeply over this idea, my boy, and it seemed to me that a
+soft hat must be the real Cap of Liberty.
+
+Passing over the organization of Senate and House, which suggested
+thoughts of ancient Rome about the time she was saved by geese, I shall
+proceed to notice the Message which our honest Abe fired into Congress
+from his intellectual breastworks during the week.
+
+You have undoubtedly read this Abe L. paper, my boy, in the reliable
+morning journals, making due allowance for the typographical outrages
+committed by printers of opposite politics; but there was one portion
+of it gotten up for the honest Abe by the Chaplain of the Mackerel
+Brigade, and this portion is so mutilated in the publishing, that I
+cannot refrain from giving you the true version. Speaking of the cost
+to the country of Emancipation with compensation, the Chaplain wrote:
+
+"Certainly it is not so easy to pay something as it is to pay nothing;
+but it is easier to pay a small sum than it is to pay a large sum; and
+it is easier to pay any bill when we have the money, than it is to pay
+a smaller bill when we have no money. Compensated Emancipation requires
+no more money than would be necessary to the progress of Remunerated
+Enfranchisement, which would not close before the end of five hundred
+years. At that time, we shall undoubtedly have five hundred times as
+many people as we have now, provided that no one dies in the mean time;
+and supposing the premium on gold to increase in the same ratio as it
+has increased since our last census was taken, the premium on the
+specie belonging to five hundred times our present population will be
+amply sufficient to pay for all persons of African descent.
+
+"I do not state this inconsiderately. At the same ratio of increase as
+we now realize, American gold will soon be worth more than all Europe.
+We have ten millions nine hundred and sixty-three thousand miles, while
+Europe has three millions eight hundred thousand, and yet the average
+premium on specie, in some of the States, is already above that of
+Europe. Taking the brokers in the aggregate, I find that if one gold
+dollar is worth $1.30 in one year,
+
+    It will be worth $2.60 in two years,
+    "   "   "    "    3.90 "   3    "
+    "   "   "    "    5.20 "   4    "
+    "   "   "    "    6.50 "   5    "
+
+"This shows a yearly increase. If a gold dollar is worth $6.50 in five
+years, it will, of course, be worth $3,250 or five hundred times as
+much in five hundred years. Thus, when our population is five hundred
+times as great as at present, supposing each man to have a single gold
+dollar, the premium of $3,250 on his gold dollar will enable such man
+to purchase thirty-two and a half persons of African descent from the
+loyal slaveholders of our border States at $100 a piece, though he
+would be virtually expending but one dollar himself.
+
+"This scheme of emancipation would certainly make the war shorter than
+it now has a prospect of being. In a word, it shows that a dollar will
+be much harder to pay for the war than will be a dollar for
+emancipation on the proposed plan."
+
+You will observe, my boy, that this same great mathematical idea is
+advanced in the Message as it is printed; but our Honest Abe has chosen
+to vary the terms somewhat. If you have a gold dollar, my boy, salt it
+down for five hundred years, and some future generation of offspring
+will call you blessed for leaving them $3,250 in postage-stamps.
+
+On my last journey toward Paris, finding the Mackerel Brigade still
+halting before that ancient city, I rode straight to the tent of
+Captain Villiam Brown, whom I found making himself a fall overcoat from
+some old newspapers, while the Chaplain sat near by, making himself a
+pair of shoes from a remnant of calico.
+
+"Well, paladin," says I to Villiam, "what is it that so long detains
+our noble army on the path of conquest?"
+
+Villiam sighed as he used a little more paste to fasten the sleeves of
+the garment he was constructing, and says he:
+
+"It's the overcoats."
+
+"Why," says I, epigrammatically, "don't they go far enough forward in
+front?"
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, thoughtfully, "they come far enough forward in
+front, but then they leave the rear exposed. On Monday," says Villiam,
+reflectively, "Company Three's overcoats arrived, and I requested the
+warriors to attire themselves after the designs of frequent
+fashion-plates. But scarce had their manly forms commenced to assume
+the garments, when the garments tore frantically from their warlike
+shapes."
+
+"Hum!" says I, questioningly, "the overcoats were Rebels in disguise."
+
+"No," says Villiam, gloomily, "but it took two Mackerels to hold an
+overcoat together while another warrior put it on, and when it was
+buttoned in front, the rear presented the aspeck of two separate
+departments. I am now making myself a stronger coat of Democratic
+newspapers," says Villiam, explainingly, "in order that my Constitution
+may be protected from harm."
+
+I glanced at him askant, my boy, and says I, innocently, "I see a still
+better reason for your clothing yourself for battle in newspapers."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, complacently, "you think that I adopt the
+intellectual garment to show that my line of battle is ten cents a
+line."
+
+"No, my hero," says I, pleasantly, "I think you clothe yourself for
+battle in printed matter, to make sure that 'he who runs may read.'"
+
+I would not say positively that Villiam "saw" this agreeable remark, my
+boy. I am not prepared to affirm that he took the hit; but as the
+canteen left his hand, my ears recognized a hasty whiz, and the effect
+upon the side of the tent, near my head, was perforating.
+
+Turning from the spot, I next had my attention attracted by a tall
+whiskered chap, in a paralyzed whirlpool of gray rags, who was closely
+examining a stack of Mackerel muskets near at hand. Hearing me ask his
+object, he remarked casually that I was a "mudsill," and says he:
+
+"As the unconquerable Southern Confederacy has a great contempt for the
+Yankee army, it has sent me here to see whether these muskets are worth
+taking. If they proved to be worth taking, the war was to continue; if
+not, I was to offer indirect proposals for peace, as the Sunny South
+does not wish to protect a struggle that does not pay."
+
+Instead of replying to him, I stepped aside to give place to the
+Conservative Kentucky chap, who had just been denouncing the Message to
+the Mackerel Chaplain in the tent, and was greatly outraged by the
+Chaplain's response.
+
+It seems that he had abruptly addressed the Chaplain, and says he: "If
+that Message wants to make the nigger the equal of the conservative
+element by implication, I hereby announce that Kentucky considers
+herself much offended. I fight for that flag," says he, hotly, pointing
+to the national standard,--"I fight for the stars on that flag, to aid
+the cause of the white man alone; and with the black man Kentucky will
+have nothing to do whatever."
+
+The Chaplain looked dreamily at the flag, as it patched the sky above
+him, and says he:
+
+"For men of your way of thinking, my friend, that banner should bear a
+sun, rather than the stars."
+
+"Hem!" says the Kentucky chap. "How so?"
+
+"Why," says the Chaplain, gravely, "beneath the stars alone, you cannot
+tell a black man from a white man. The master and slave of the broad
+noonday are equals under the stars; for if the sun shines upon the one
+working that the other may be idle, the gentle planets of the night
+make master and bondman of one hue and perfect equals in Nature's own
+Republic,--starry Night. The banner for you, my friend, should bear the
+sun, to show that it is but for a day."
+
+The conservative Kentucky chap came away swearing, my boy; and hence,
+it was in no very good humor that he now saluted the Confederate
+raggedier.
+
+"Hem!" says he, ungraciously, "where did all those rags come from, and
+what is their name?"
+
+The Confederacy hastily put on a pair of white cotton gloves, and says
+he:
+
+"Am I addressing the Democratic Organization?"
+
+"You address the large Kentucky branch," says the Conservative chap,
+pulling out his ruffles.
+
+"Then," says the Confederacy, "I am prepared to make an indirect
+proposition for peace. My name is Mr. Lamb, by which title the
+Democratic Organization has always known the injured Confederacy, and I
+propose the following terms: Hostilities shall at once cease, and the
+two armies be consolidated under the title of the Confederate States
+Forces. The war-debts of the North and South shall be so united that
+the North may be able to pay them without confusion. An election for a
+new President shall at once be held, everybody voting save those who
+have shown animosity to the sunny South. France shall be driven out of
+Mexico by the consolidated armies, the expense being so managed that
+the North may pay it without further trouble. Upon these terms, the
+Confederacy will become a peaceful fellow-man."
+
+"Hem!" says the Kentucky chap, "What you ask is perfectly reasonable. I
+will consider the matter after the manner of a dispassionate Democrat,
+and return you my answer in a few days."
+
+Here I hastily stepped up, and says I, "But are you not going to
+consult the President at all about it, my Jupiter Tonans?"
+
+"The President? the President?" says the Conservative Kentucky chap,
+with a vague look. "Hem!" says he, "I really forgot all about the
+President!"
+
+The Democratic Organization, my boy, in its zeal to benefit its
+distracted country, is occasionally like that eminent fire company in
+the Sixth Ward, which nobly usurped with its hose the terrible business
+of putting out a large conflagration, and never remembered, until its
+beautiful machine was all in position, that another company of
+fellow-firemen had exclusive possession of all the waterworks.
+
+Yours, comparingly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER LXXXIV.
+
+    PROVING THAT RUSSIA IS INDEED OUR FRIEND; INSTANCING THE TERRIFIC
+    BOMBARDMENT OF PARIS; AND TELLING HOW THE NEW GENERAL OF THE
+    MACKEREL BRIGADE DELIGHTED ALL WITH HIS SURPRISING "SHAPE."
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., February 2d, 1863.
+
+The sagacious Russian bear, my boy, is found to regard the Eagle of our
+distracted country with more than his ordinary liking for fancy
+poultry, and our shattered bird may feel proud of a friendship
+proffered by such an excellent beast. Truth to tell, the present aspect
+of our national chicken is not calculated to inspire an idolatrous
+passion in the breast of European zoölogy. All his tail-feathers have
+seceded, and are in rebellion against him; and he has got a black eye,
+my boy, from strategic gambols with the playful Southern Confederacy.
+Hence, we should accept the bear's affection as a marvel of
+disinterested emotion; for I am almost sure, my boy, I am almost sure
+that nothing handsomer than a bear could have much real love for such a
+fractured fowl.
+
+A relative of mine, named A. Merry Kerr,[2] went to Russia some time
+ago, being secretly deputed by Government to expend the amount of his
+passage-money in a judicious manner. He writes to me of his friendly
+reception by Gorchakoff, and says he:
+
+      [2] Excepting Mr. Bayard Taylor, no ordinary traveler ever
+      excited so much wild affection in the breasts of foreign kings
+      and noblemen as this gentleman.
+
+"Mr. Gorchakoff ordered my trunks to be put away under the throne for
+the time being, and then hastened me to his own private bedroom, whose
+windows command a full view of all you can see through them. Having
+brushed me off and kissed me, he ordered some fried candles for two,
+and then says he:
+
+"How comes on the Union cause, whose pregnant misery on Potomac's shore
+has caused the heart of the Czar untold anguish? How often has his
+majesty said to me: 'The North _must_ triumph, Prince; and mark me when
+I say, that two more centuries will not roll by without witnessing the
+fall of Richmond.'"
+
+"Sir," says I,--
+
+    "'The lightning-motion of the fish,
+      Beneath the sea, will just compare
+    With victory's impulse to our flag,--
+      That stripéd bass of upper air.'
+
+"The North must conquer, you see, Mr. G."
+
+Upon hearing me speak thus, Mr. Gorchakoff laid my head upon his bosom
+and smoothed my hair, and says he: "Oh, how I love your country! Russia
+will never join any scheme of foreign intervention against your
+beautiful fish."
+
+He said this in such a tone of real fondness that tears sprang to my
+eyes, and says I:
+
+"Heaven bless you, my Muscovy duck!"
+
+"With a look of the deepest tenderness, Mr. Gorchakoff now extended
+himself at full length upon the top of a bureau near my chair, and
+allowed his head to hang over in such a manner that he was enabled to
+press his cheek against mine.
+
+"Wilt thou do me one favor, noble youth?" says he, with much emotion.
+
+I placed a hand upon my heart.
+
+"Then," says he, "just ask Mr. Seward not to write so many letters to
+me every week; because when my mail is so large, I don't have any time
+to attend to my family."
+
+I promised to do so, and then went out to get some oysters. The candles
+had made me quite light-headed.
+
+From this, my boy, you will perceive that Russia "may be counted upon
+in an emergency;" as the man said of the bear-skin upon which he was
+reckoning his small change.
+
+On Thursday, bright and early, I mounted my gothic steed Pegasus, and
+started for Duck Lake.
+
+Upon reaching the Mackerel camp, I found all the spectacled warriors
+under arms for a fray, the unaccommodating Confederacies on the other
+side of Paris having urged some rifled objections to the construction
+of a pontoon bridge across Duck Lake. The chap who was building the
+bridge had only just untied his second paper of nails, when a potato
+from some Confederate marksman, in the second-story of Paris, hit him
+violently in the stomach. Simultaneously the cover of a dinner-pot
+cracked his knuckles, and, as he fell back in good order, a brick-bat
+tapped him on the head. Believing that hostilities had commenced, the
+new General of the Mackerel Brigade hastily put on all his dirty
+clothes, and ordered the Orange County Howitzers to commit incendiarism
+with Paris, simultaneously directing Rear Admiral Head to moor the
+"Secretary Welles" abreast of the nearest Confederacy and shell him
+with great slaughter.
+
+Under command of Captain Samyule Sa-mith, the Howitzers were opened
+upon Paris, and commenced such a tornado of round shot and grape that
+the surrounding landscape was very much defaced. There was much noise,
+my boy,--there was much noise.
+
+But the great sight of the hour was the manoeuvring of the iron-plated
+Mackerel squadron on the tempestuous waters of Duck Lake. After hastily
+making a fire in the stove on the quarter-deck, and placing a tumbler
+where it could warm, the stern old Rear Admiral ordered the Mackerel
+crew to report how much water there was in the hold. The crew repaired
+to the stern-sheets and reported "One pitcherful and two lemons;"
+whereupon the hardy old sea-dog swore in his iron-plated manner, and
+ordered the swivel-gun amidships to be trained upon the basement
+windows of Paris. Everything being in readiness, the word was given to
+fire!
+
+Bang! went the horrid instrument of carnage, and the hideous missile
+went crashing through the back basement windows, cutting a bow from the
+cap of a venerable Florence Nightingale, who was at that moment making
+a sponge-cake for some sick Confederacies, and driving the stove-pipe
+clear through the wall. The aged Nightingale thought that something had
+happened, and says she: "Well, I never did!"
+
+Rear Admiral Head smiled; but it was the horrid smile of naval
+bloodthirstiness. "Revolve my turret!" says he, grimly, "I fight not
+against women; but the other window must be broken."
+
+The venerable Neptune leaned over his columbiad to make sure of this
+shot, unconsciously pressing his stomach against the but-end of his
+gun. There was a report, my boy; the swivel-gun kicked, and the Rear
+Admiral fell upon the deck with a promiscuous violence.
+
+Meanwhile, Company 3, Regiment 5, under Captain Villiam Brown, had
+waded across Duck Lake in as many divisions as there were Mackerels,
+and immediately commenced a tremendous fire of musketry at the upper
+windows of Paris, wounding a Confederacy who kept a shoe-store up
+there, and reducing two flower-pots to fragments.
+
+Whilst I was witnessing this bombardment, my boy, and admiring the
+courage with which Villiam was slashing around with his sword, I
+noticed that the squadron had suddenly ceased firing.
+
+It had ceased firing, because Rear Admiral Head had unexpectedly
+discovered that his Mackerel crew was a Black Republican; and had
+therefore engaged him in single combat, greatly to the detriment of the
+regular engagement.
+
+Scarcely had I turned to view this new phase of war, when the firing of
+howitzers and musketry behind me instantly ceased, and I heard a low
+murmur of wonder arising from the whole brigade.
+
+Quickly turning about again, I was hastening to where Captain Bob
+Shorty strode with the Conic Section, when I beheld General Wobert
+Wobinson, the new General of the Mackerel Brigade, cantering along the
+shore of Duck Lake on his trained charger, and exhibiting a form to
+petrify the whole world with admiration.
+
+"Ah! _there's_ shape!" was the low cry of the spectacled veterans, as
+they gazed breathlessly at the picture.
+
+Captain Bob Shorty cleaned his glasses to make sure that it was no
+illusion, and says he: "By all that's Federal, it appears to me that I
+never saw so much Shape!"
+
+A Confederacy, who had just appeared on the roof of Paris with a
+horse-pistol in his hand and slaughter in his thoughts, caught sight of
+the equestrian vision, and instantly dropped his merciless weapon of
+destruction as though paralyzed.
+
+"Oh!" says he, panting, "what Shape!"
+
+Rear Admiral Head heard the sound in the midst of his single combat,
+and paused to ascertain what it was. His spectacles scanned the horizon
+round and round, until they finally rested upon the figure of the new
+General of the Mackerel Brigade.
+
+"Fracture my armor!" says he, ecstatically, "did I ever survey so much
+Shape!"
+
+The battle was over for that day.
+
+Shape, my boy, is a great thing in a General; for when Heaven's Great
+Printer commenced to set human type in the "galley" of earth, He must
+have needed considerable General matter to fully make up His "forms;"
+and when a General has a form fully up to His make, we may consider him
+well set up.
+
+Yours, typographically,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER LXXXV.
+
+    HOLDING THE GOVERNMENT STRICTLY ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE OCCURRENCE OF A
+    RECENT "MILITARY NECESSITY;" RECOUNTING THE AFFECTING EPISODE OF
+    THE MACKEREL DRUMMER-BOY; AND DEPICTING THE NEW MACKEREL GENERAL'S
+    FIRST GREAT BATTLE.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., Feb. 9th, 1863.
+
+I am no longer on speaking terms, my boy, with the Government of our
+distracted country, and beg leave most respectfully to inform it that
+the imbecile cold weather of the past few days may disgust, but can
+never discourage me. Being of respectable though Democratic parentage,
+I scorn to associate with an Executive and Cabinet so lost to all sense
+of national comfort, that it permits the weather to become a constant
+outrage on our Constitutions, frequently freezing loyal Democrats for
+no other offence than that of protecting defenceless lampposts after
+nightfall. I am very cold, my boy,--I am very cold, and my hatred of
+the present Cabinet is intense.
+
+But what shall I say about the agency of this same Government in
+producing a Military Necessity at the late great battle of Paris? Let
+me put on my overcoat and express my cold in a passionate cough, as I
+remark that its agency in this matter forcibly reminds me of a chap I
+once knew in the sixth ward.
+
+He was an aged chap of much red nose, my boy, and lived with his
+youngest broadcloth son in the same house with his Wayward Sister. The
+Wayward Sister being an old maid of severe countenance, occupied such
+portions of the residence as seemed most safe from the intrusion of
+that sex which seeks to make Woman its broken-hearted slave; and as
+long as the patient old chap answered the door-bell and didn't smoke in
+the house, she got along with him after the manner of a Methodist
+angel. Things went on pleasantly through the winter, the high-minded
+maiden using the coal of her aged kindred, and employing all his black
+tea without complaining; but in the spring she joined a Woman's Rights
+Convention, and commenced to hold indignation-meetings of
+virtuously-indignant females in the best room in the house. These
+meetings having decided, that,
+
+"_Whereas_, Man is a ojus creature which is constantly preying upon
+that sex which it is his mother's, and denying to it those inalienable
+Rights without which Woman's sphere cannot exist. Therefore be it
+
+"_Resolved_, That Woman is the Superior Sex.
+
+"_Resolved_, That union with man is incompatible with the good of a sex
+which it is ourselves; and that we will immediately take that household
+furniture of which Woman is the only rightful owner, and only ask to be
+let alone."
+
+The aged chap received a copy of these resolutions, my boy, and says
+the Wayward Sister: "I can no longer consent to live in the same house
+with an inferior being." The chap heard her in silence, and might have
+let her have her own way, under ordinary circumstances, but when he
+came home next night he found that she had packed up all the furniture
+in the house to carry off with her, and expected him to give her his
+watch and night-key. He scratched his head, and says he: "I cannot
+permit this sort of thing, because I really want some furniture for my
+own use." The Wayward Sister threw her thimble at him, and says she:
+"Our male parient bought this furniture only because he got married to
+one of the Superior Sex; and as it was Woman which solely occasioned
+its purchase, it clearly belongs to Woman."
+
+But the chap could not see it in this light, my boy; and as soon as his
+son came home he told him all about it. The manly youth took a look up
+the stairs to where the maiden and four or five other spring bonnets
+were intrenched behind the furniture, and says he:
+
+"It's an unnatural thing to have trouble with relations; but I'm just
+going up there to capture that big chair."
+
+By this time some of the neighbors had come in, and commenced to urge
+the old chap to take vigorous measures. He looked at his son, and says
+he:
+
+"Can you do it Tommy?"
+
+The child of his bosom winked twice, and immediately prepared to
+perform the feat, only pausing long enough to look in the glass and see
+if his necktie sat well. Then, gaining the head of the stairs, he
+leaned across a bureau barring the way, and was about to grasp the big
+chair, when the Wayward Sister hit him over the head with a broom, and
+presently he found himself prostrate at the foot of the stairs, with a
+violent pain in his nose.
+
+On witnessing this disaster, all the neighbors shrank with indignation
+from the aged father, and said it was all his doings. The poor old chap
+scratched his head, and says he:
+
+"I don't see how it's my fault."
+
+"Why," says a neighbor of much fatness, "you're always
+interfering,--that's what you are. Now, you'll never get back any of
+your furniture."
+
+"Interfering?" says the paternal chap, innocently. "Why, how _could_ I
+interfere with Tommy, when I only let him do, in his own way, what he
+gave me to understand he was able to?"
+
+Here all the neighbors sighed grievously, and says one:
+
+"Miserable old man, we believe you mean well enough; but the fact is,
+you are a species of old idiot. It was your business to have had
+_another son_, who would have been this one's brother; so that if one
+met with a heart-rending failure on the stairs, the other could
+simultaneously have entered that back window by a ladder, and taken the
+chair by the rear. But you are always interfering. Take our advice now,
+and either give up drinking altogether, or arrange it so that those who
+drink with you may be persons not distinguishable from ourselves."
+
+And they all departed, shaking their heads, my boy--they all departed
+shaking their heads; leaving the unfortunate old chap to bind up his
+offspring's nose, and to reflect upon the great iniquity of interfering
+with one son's success, by not having another.
+
+The Government of our distracted country, my boy, is so very much like
+this well-meaning but imbecile old chap, that the failure of any one of
+its generals is entirely due to its interference in not having another
+general; who, in case that general did not succeed, could take his
+place before he failed to do so.
+
+The Military Necessity produced by this interference took place at
+Paris, very recently, and shortly after the new General of the Mackerel
+Brigade had so nearly won the battle by that revelation of manly Shape
+to which I referred in my last letter.
+
+Finding that the terrible bombardment of Paris, my boy, had routed the
+straggling Confederacies from that ancient city, the whole Mackerel
+Brigade marched safely across Duck Lake, leaving only the Orange County
+Howitzers on this side. Scarcely had the spectacled host occupied the
+city, when there appeared upon the main street the overwhelming Shape
+of the new General of the Mackerel Brigade, mounted upon a steed which
+was almost as sagacious as a human being; and holding his hat in one
+hand, after the manner of Washington entering Trenton. It was as though
+Frank Leslie's illustrated artist had just been commanded to draw a
+warlike picture, my boy, representing one of those equestrian heroes
+who all appear in precisely the same attitude, and seem to have lifted
+their hats for the particular purpose of showing with what mathematical
+precision their hair is parted.
+
+Instantly there arose cheers so loud that they must have been heard by
+the cowardly Confederacies on the hills behind Paris, and several
+Mackerels became so enthusiastic to be led against the enemy, that they
+actually started on the war-path by themselves, and only turned back
+when they discovered that they happened to be going in the wrong
+direction.
+
+Having received all the cheers, and immediately dispatched them to the
+reliable morning journals around the country, the General of the
+Mackerel Brigade ordered the Conic Section, under Captain Bob Shorty,
+and Company 3, Regiment 5, under Captain Villiam Brown, to march out of
+Paris, and form in line under the guns of the Southern Confederacy; at
+the same time directing Captain Samyule Sa-mith, to take Company 2,
+Regiment 1, and strike through a defile in the hills.
+
+Samyule formed his veterans in the shape of a horse-shoe, and says he:
+
+"Comrades, now is the time to repent of your sins, for you haven't got
+much time left. As for myself," says Samyule, seriously, "my sins are
+all those of commission, and those who gave me my commission are
+responsible for them. If any of you younger Mackerels have in your
+possession the last things your mothers gave you, now is your chance to
+look upon them for the last time."
+
+As Samyule spoke thus, a small blue object, carrying a drum, toddled
+forth from the ranks, and saluted. It was a small Mackerel drummer, my
+boy, who had enlisted only ten days before, and his small eyes were wet
+with tears. The heroic child wiped his little nose on his sleeve, and
+says he:
+
+"_My_ mother gave me something."
+
+Samyule was greatly affected, and says he:
+
+"Was it the Family Bible, sweet cherub?"
+
+"No-o-o," sobbed the innocent, as though his little heart would break.
+
+Samyule wiped his tear-dimmed spectacles, and says he:
+
+"Perhaps it was her daguerreotype?"
+
+The infant wept afresh, and says he:
+
+"No-o-o."
+
+"Then," says Samyule, in a broken voice, "it must have been her
+blessing."
+
+"No! no-o-o," cried the small Mackerel drummer, with quivering lips.
+
+"Then what in thunder was it that your mother gave you?" says Samyule,
+greatly bewildered.
+
+"It was a spanking!" screamed the affectionate little creature,
+cramming both his little fists into his little eyes, and blubbering
+unrestrainedly.
+
+Samyule gazed a moment at the child, and says he:
+
+"Well may affection bid thee weep, thou tender little one! When a
+sweetheart blushingly places a rose upon her lover's breast, the scene
+is affecting; but my own memory of childhood tells me that a far deeper
+feeling is excited when the tender mother selects a different flower,
+and places upon the back of her child the modest lady's slipper."
+
+Immediately after this affecting little incident, my boy, Samyule led
+his men to their duty, and they marched into one end of the defile as
+soldiers, to pass out of the other as spirits.
+
+Along the front, "Forward!" was the word, and the Conic Section swept
+to the assault, like a sea of bayonets dashed against a shore of
+adamantine rock from the hollow of an Almighty hand. Were it possible,
+my boy, for bullets to ascend perpendicularly until they just reached
+the top of mountain breastworks, and then slant down at an acute angle
+to where the foe lay hidden, it is possible that the frequent volleys
+from the Conic Section might have produced some carnage; but as the
+face of the hill before our troops was straight up and down, with the
+noisy Confederacies on the extreme summit, the Mackerel musketry simply
+occasioned a rise in Federal lead, without a fall in Confederate
+leaders.
+
+Some Confederacies in their lofty intrenchments just tipped over a few
+cannon, so that the balls might roll out upon the mackerels, and, says
+one of them:
+
+"If you mudsills will stay there a little longer, we'll manage it so as
+to drop the shells on you from our hands, without using the guns at
+all."
+
+Captain Bob Shorty heard this jeer, and as he tied his handkerchief
+over a wound on his forehead, a sickly smile illustrated his ghastly
+face, and says he:
+
+"We might as well all die here together. The grave, after all, is a
+softer bed than many of these Mackerel beings have been accustomed to."
+
+Sergeant O'Pake who always takes things literally, turned to Bob, and,
+says he:
+
+"What makes it soft?"
+
+"Because," says Captain Bob Shorty, looking vacantly at the sergeant,
+"it is a bed of down. Did you never hear the old song of 'Down among
+the Dead Men?'" But let me not linger over the scene, my boy.
+
+That night, the remaining Mackerels silently recrossed Duck Lake, and
+the General penned the following
+
+    DESPATCH.
+
+    "I have withdrawn the Brigade across Duck Lake. The position of the
+    Confederacies is impregnable. It was a Military Necessity to attack
+    the enemy or retire. I have done both.
+
+    "WOBERT WOBINSON."
+
+Just as the spectacled veterans gained this side of Duck Lake again, my
+boy, the Mackerel Chaplain was accosted by a Republican chap from
+Boston, and says he: "This really looks like action at last my friend.
+Our troops are evidently all enthusiasm to be led once more against the
+foe."
+
+The Chaplain shaded his eyes with his hand, to look at the speaker, and
+says he:
+
+"They are indeed enthusiastic, my friend. So enthusiastic, in fact,
+that at least half of them would not come back to this side at all."
+
+"Ah!" says the Republican chap; "the noble fellows."
+
+"Yes," says the Chaplain, as softly as though he were speaking in a
+sick-room; "they remain there sleeping upon their arms. And, oh, my
+friend, they will never come back again."
+
+He spoke truly, my boy: and may a kind Heaven see naught in the blood
+welling from their loyal hearts but the blush of a soldier's honor; the
+glow of a patriot fire in which all their human errors went up to God
+as the smoke of a glorious sacrifice. They sleep their last sleep upon
+the arms of their Country; and whether those arms, with which she folds
+them into her heart, be white with the ermine of winter, or green with
+the drapery of summer, the clasp shall be none the less strong with all
+a Mother's immortality of love.
+
+Yours, gravely,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER LXXXVI.
+
+    TOUCHING UPON A LATE OVATION TO A PARENT OF HIS COUNTRY; GIVING THE
+    CONSERVATIVE KENTUCKY MAP OF ALL AMERICA; AND INTRODUCING A SECOND
+    NEW GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL ORGANIZATION.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., March 8th, 1863.
+
+I have been very ill, my boy--I have been very ill; and even now, the
+hand which grasps the pen trembles with weakness, like the hand of the
+wind upon a slender rush. I have been reminded of my latter end, and of
+our Excellent National Democratic Organization, by an outrage upon my
+Constitution and the Arbitrary Arrest of my health,--proceedings which
+seem to prove that the well-known Southern Confederacy is entirely
+right in this war, and that the North is chiefly composed of Honest Old
+despots. (See proceedings of Democratic Organization, Resolution 290.)
+
+As I lay sick in Strategy Hall the other day, so desolately lonely that
+I almost wished to die, and without energy enough to finish reading the
+greenback I had commenced that morning, there came to see me an affable
+Democratic chap who had just recovered from a severe bilious attack
+brought on by the Conscription Bill, and wished to consult me as to the
+propriety of nominating Dr. Brandreth for President of the United
+States in 1865.
+
+"Why, my future Jefferson," says I, feebly, "what are you going to do
+with McClellan, then?"
+
+"Really," says he, just stepping across the ward to spit on a copy of
+the Tribune, which served as a window-curtain, "really, I forgot all
+about that manly form. Oh!" says the pleasant Democratic chap,
+replacing the Constitution in his hat, from which it had just
+fallen,--"Oh! what heroism do we find embodied in that youthful shape!
+The voice of a assembled universe asks: 'Shall G. B. McClellan go
+unrewarded?' There is no echo at the time. It asks again: 'Who, then,
+shall be President of the United States in 1865?' And echo triumphantly
+answers, General George Barnum McClellan!"
+
+Here the affable Democratic chap took off his spectacles, my boy, and
+beamed undisguisedly at a small black bottle on the table.
+
+"But," says I, softly, "his name is not George _Barnum_ McClellan at
+all. His middle name is not Barnum."
+
+"Hem!" says the Democratic chap, with a severe aspect, "I don't know
+that it is. Really," says the Democratic chap, hastily picking up his
+umbrella and moving away, "really, I don't know that it is."
+
+Mistakes, my boy, will happen in the best-regulated organizations; and,
+if we construe them maliciously, we deserve, like a parcel of
+scandal-mongering old Bohea-mians, to be confined all our lives to
+small _coups_ of Phineas T.
+
+It was during my illness that the adoring citizens of Mugville
+discovered that the Venerable Gammon had been defeated ten times in the
+election for County Clerk in his youth, and frantically instigated an
+overflowing ovation therefore to that venerable man. I know not, my
+boy, what this aged and shirt-collared picture of perpetual beneficence
+had done to be such an idol. I cannot conceive why repeated defeats in
+his youth should entitle him to the adoration of a fond populace at the
+present exciting period; but the leading citizens presented him with a
+silver butter-knife and a serenade, my boy; and he made a benignant
+speech to show that he and Providence desired only the applause of
+their own consciences.
+
+"My children," says the Venerable Gammon, waving benefactions in his
+fat and heartfelt manner, "I accept this butter-knife,--not for my own
+merits, but because it symbolizes the only true means of restoring that
+Union of which I am a part. This knife," says the Venerable Gammon,
+eying the costly gift with oily and benignant satisfaction,--"this
+knife teaches us that only fiendish Abolitionism would think of using
+the Sword of Radicalism to conquer the erring Confederacy which is
+still our sister, when the Butter-knife of Conservatism was to be had."
+
+Then all the leading citizens of Mugville observed joyfully to each
+other that the country was redeemed at last, and four-and-twenty
+reliable morning journals published six columns each about the
+triumphant progress of the Venerable Gammon in the affections of the
+people.
+
+Among those present at this sublime ovation was an aged chap selling
+apples, who immediately burst into tears when the voice of the
+venerable man fell upon his ears. On being asked to explain his
+emotions, he cast his dim eyes upward toward an American flag which was
+being used by a merchant near by to advertise some patent pills, and
+says he, brokenly:
+
+"When I hear that woice, and see that flag, all my manhood crumbles
+into scalding tears."
+
+He was an apple-seller of fine feelings, and had once served as a
+deserter in the Army of the Potomac.
+
+Pathetic little incidents like these, my boy, humble though they may
+be, are pregnant with a deep and touching meaning, of which I have not
+the remotest conception.
+
+There is a new Mackerel Hotel recently erected on the borders of Duck
+Lake, near Strategy Hall, for the benefit of Brigadiers who have not
+been accustomed to doing without a bar; and it was in one of the rooms
+thereof that the Conservative Kentucky Chap recently fell a victim to
+the most remarkable optical illusion of this distracted century. He was
+sitting with his back to a window, my boy, his head drooped upon his
+breast beneath the weight of the Emancipation Proclamation, and, with
+arms folded and legs screwed awry on his chair, he was contemplating
+the opposite wall from under his Conservative hat.
+
+"Hum," says he, with subdued ecstasy, "How sweet it is to look upon the
+map of my native land, of which Kentucky is the guiding star! As I look
+upon that simple map," says the conservative Chap, thoughtfully, "and
+reflect upon the recent improvements in Kentucky, it becomes a question
+in my mind whether Kentucky is the United States, or the United States
+is Kentucky."
+
+Following the direction of his eyes as he said this, I beheld upon the
+wall opposite where he was sitting:
+
+[Illustration: A CONSERVATIVE KENTUCKY MAP OF ALL AMERICA.]
+
+"Look here, my absorbed Talleyrand," says I, in astonishment, "that's
+not a map! It's only your own shadow on the wall."
+
+He moved as I spoke, and then, for the first time, discovered his
+illusion.
+
+"Hum!" says he, "it is a map of the Union in the sense that the Union
+is but a shadow of its former self."
+
+The Conservative Kentucky Chap is actually so insufferably egotistical,
+my boy, and so imbued with the idea that Kentucky is the whole country,
+that it is almost impossible for him to sit on a chair without throwing
+his body into almost the exact shape of the American Continent.
+
+Having induced a small Mackerel drummer to bring me my chaste
+architectual steed, the Gothic Pegasus, I mounted the roof of that
+walking country church, and moved off in an organ-waltz to inspect the
+national troops.
+
+The Mackerel Brigade grows hoary with antiquity, and the capture of the
+Southern Confederacy is still delayed for the want of pontoons. And
+this reminds me that the Abolitionists of New England, who are entirely
+responsible for this war, with its taxes upon members of the Democratic
+Organization, have not yet sent any pontoons to the field. Whilst they
+would abridge the rights of white men, they even ignore white men's
+rights to a bridge. But let us not linger over such depravity, or we
+shall be delayed in our preparations for the Presidential canvass in
+1865.
+
+The last new General of the Mackerel Brigade is an officer of great
+age, named Cox,--known to the soldiery as the Grim Old Fighting
+Cox,--and I am happy to say, my boy, that he is an officer of great
+ability. Spurning all that vain pomp which too often makes our generals
+as clean in appearance as the military minions of the despotic powers
+of Europe, he makes it a practice to attire himself like the
+unostentatious dustman of a true Republic; and when he rides abroad to
+inspect the regiments, it is universally admitted that he is like a
+father visiting his children, whose great numbers make such demands
+upon his means that he can't afford to dress himself respectably.
+
+Having assumed command of the Mackerel Brigade, the Grim Old Fighting
+Cox immediately summoned all his officers to his presence, and, having
+engaged each in single combat and defeated him, he proceeded to show
+his great ability. He beckoned to Captain Villiam Brown, who was at
+that moment taking the sun's altitude with his canteen, and, says he:
+"Tell me how many men are in the guard-house for beastly intoxication?"
+
+Villiam smiled affably, and says he: "I don't remember just how many
+that Republican institution will hold."
+
+"Release them ALL!" thundered the Grim Old Fighting Cox, violently
+rattling his sword, and firing a pistol in the air.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, "here's Ability."
+
+The next officer called was Captain Bob Shorty, and says the General to
+him: "How many slow-matches did my predecessor order for the Orange
+County Howitzers?"
+
+Captain Bob Shorty took three steps in a break-down, and says he: "We
+have always ordered seventy-five."
+
+"Make it seventy-six!" roared the Grim Old Fighting Cox, kicking over
+the writing-table and discharging a revolver over his shoulder.
+
+Captain Bob Shorty gave a leap into the air, and says he:
+
+"By all that's Federal! did I ever hear of so much Ability?"
+
+As the Grim Old Fighting Cox was leaving his quarters, he came upon a
+Mackerel chap who was stooping down to tie his shoe, and gave him a
+kick that kindled conflagration in his vision. The poor chap rubbingly
+picked himself up, and, says he:
+
+"It appears to me I never see so much Ability."
+
+Ability, my boy, in its modern acceptation as applied to military men,
+appears to mean a peculiar capacity for surprising and startling
+everybody--except the enemy.
+
+Yours, suspiciously.
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER LXXXVII.
+
+    IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT HAS A DEADLY AFFAIR OF HONOR WITH A
+    GENTLEMAN FROM KENTUCKY; EXPERIENCES "CONTRABAND" HOSPITALITY AND
+    MELODY; ATTENDS A GREAT MEETING IN ACCOMAC; AND WITNESSES A
+    PRODIGIOUS NAVAL ACHIEVEMENT.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., March 15th, 1863.
+
+Kentucky, my boy, has considered herself a general boon to mankind ever
+since she was discovered by Colonel Boone; but there are different
+kinds of boons known to mankind, and if I should chance to mention the
+baboon as amongst the noisiest and least respectable of the species, my
+remark may not be regarded as entirely destitute of a personal bearing.
+It was in the honeyed accents of admiring friendship that I conveyed
+this chaste zoölogical idea to the Conservative Kentucky chap on Monday
+last, as we took Richmond together at Willard's bar, and I regret to
+say that he made it _casus belli_. Accidentally dropping his
+bowie-knife on the floor, and hastily replacing his ruffles over the
+handle of his pocket revolver, he polished the blade of his dirk with a
+blood-colored silk handkerchief, and says he:
+
+"Kentucky fought for Washington in the Revolution; she has, thus far,
+prosecuted the present war without fear; nor will she shrink from even
+shedding personal gore where the provocation is the offspring of Yankee
+lowness."
+
+He said this, with exceeding majesty, my boy, and I felt that I was
+indeed involved in complications with the Border States.
+
+"I understand you, my warrior," says I, calmly; "but if this affair is
+to come off immediately, where are we to find our seconds?"
+
+The Kentucky chap hastily called a small boy to him, and says he:
+
+"Sonny, just run out into the street and ask any two gentlemen you meet
+to step in here for a moment." "You see," says he, turning to me, "it's
+better to have two brigadier-generals for seconds, as a battle might
+take place while we are away, and there are no private soldiers to
+spare at present."
+
+"Yes," says I, thoughtfully, "that's very true."
+
+The brigadiers were obtained, my boy, and, with murder in our hearts,
+we started forth to seek a spot appropriate for carnage in private. It
+was just the hour of mid-day, and we were wending our sanguinary way in
+silence, when, upon turning a corner of one of the public buildings,
+the sound of sweet music fell upon our ears, and we came suddenly upon
+a brass band and a party of singers, who were discoursing witching
+strains under one of the windows.
+
+I listened for a moment, and then, says I: "What may be the occasion
+for this noonday melody?"
+
+The Conservative Kentucky chap motioned for us to pause, and says he,
+feelingly: "It's a serenade to Secretary Welles of the Navy. Let us
+heed the voice of the singer."
+
+Here a young vocal chap, under the window, commenced singing the
+following words, in a fine tenor manner:
+
+    SERENADE.
+
+    "O lady, in thy waking glance
+      There lurked a wondrous spell,
+    To hold young Cupid in thine eye
+      As in a prison cell.
+
+    "And now, the god of Slumber finds
+      Thy drooping lids so fair,
+    He makes of them his chosen couch
+      And dwells forever there."
+
+As the last note of the singer fainted into the eternity of lost
+sounds, I looked at the Conservative Kentucky chap, my boy, and beheld
+that his eyes were suffused with the tears of an exquisite sensibility.
+
+"Yes," says he, softly, "--'and dwells forever there.'" Here the
+Kentucky chap shed another tear to wash out the stain of the last one,
+and says he, "Mr. Welles is indeed a lady who offers some attraction to
+slumber. May he rest in peace!"
+
+We were all too deeply affected to speak, but proceeded silently to a
+vacant lot across the river, where accommodations for law-breaking were
+ample. Everything about us here seemed fraught with the spirit of
+peace; on each side, and as far as the eye could reach behind and
+before, were the tents of the Army of the Potomac, growing in the spots
+where they were planted years ago. We alone, of all the human beings
+within sound of our weapons, were about to be breakers of the
+established war--to shed human blood. It seemed like a sacrilege, and I
+trembled with the cold.
+
+At first, my boy, we had some trouble to keep the brigadier-generals
+with us, as it suddenly struck them that they had not drawn their pay
+for two whole hours, and were frantic to return; but when I suggested,
+that if they should be missed from their posts, they would probably be
+nominated for major-generalship, they consented to remain.
+
+When the Conservative Kentucky chap took his position, I noticed that
+his countenance was contorted into a horrible expression of severity,
+and asked him why it was?
+
+"Hem!" says he, "this is a solemn moment, young man. We are both about
+to fly into the face of our Maker." Here he pointed his weapon at me;
+and says he: "I think you are frightened."
+
+"No," says I, making ready.
+
+The Kentucky chap's face then assumed the most terrific expression I
+ever saw, and says he:
+
+"Are you not alarmed at your awful position?"
+
+"No," says I.
+
+The Conservative Kentucky chap lowered his pistol, and, motioning for
+the brigadiers to come from behind their trees, advanced to my side.
+
+"Hem!" says he, frowning majestically, "I think I understood you to
+intimate that you were terrified."
+
+"No," says I.
+
+Here the Conservative Kentucky chap took me suddenly by the arm in a
+very confidential manner, and, having led me a few paces back, says he,
+in a horrible whisper: "You find yourself frightened, as it were."
+
+"Why, no," says I.
+
+"Well," says the Conservative Kentucky chap, "I AM."
+
+And we all went home together.
+
+Since then, my boy, I have weighed and contrasted my own feelings and
+those of the Conservative Kentucky chap on that occasion, when I won an
+everlasting reputation for bravery; and I am satisfied that the bravery
+of a man in an affair of honor is a superior capacity for concealing
+terror.
+
+It was toward the middle of the week that I went down to Accomac to
+attend a great Union meeting there, and it's my private opinion, my
+boy, my private opinion, that the human tongue is not without its
+province in this war. But before the meeting commenced, and whilst I
+was reflecting upon the fact that it was the day on which the Prince of
+Wales was to be married, a redeemed contraband saluted me, and says he:
+
+"Mars'r, I hab been made a free man by Mars'r Lincoln, and hab opened a
+Refreshment Saloon on de European plan. If you want to dine, sar,
+here's my card. My name is Mister Negg."
+
+I looked at the card as he left me, and found it to read thus:--
+
+    HAMAN NEGG'S
+
+    RESTAURANT.
+
+    ICH DIEN OYSTERS IN EVERY STYLE.
+
+There was one thing about this inscription that I did not understand,
+and says I to a chap near me:
+
+"See here, my patriotic friend, what does this mean? What kind of
+things are Ich Dien Oysters?"
+
+"Oh," says he, obligingly, "you do not understand the Hanoverian
+tongue. '_Ich Dien_' is the Prince of Wales' motto, and means '_I
+serve_.' The phrase 'Ich Dien Oysters in Every Style' means, 'I serve
+oysters in every style.'"
+
+Then it was, my boy, that I saw in Mr. Negg's device the despised
+African's testimonial of gratitude to Great Britain for the recent
+reaction of anti-slavery sentiment there. A more delicate compliment,
+my boy, was never offered to the mother country, who has given us all
+at least 290[3] reasons for loving her.
+
+      [3] Persons who despise Europe may remember, that, "The 290,"
+      (supposed to mean, from 290 British Merchants) was the original
+      name of the rebel pirate "Alabama."
+
+And speaking of redeemed contrabands, reminds me of the new African
+hymn, which the more pious colored Americans of South Carolina might
+denominate
+
+    DE GREAT HALLELUGERUM.
+
+    "My mars'r's gwine away to fight
+      With Mars'r Linkum's horde,
+    An' now dis chile's at libaty
+      To dance an' bress de Lord.
+    Dar's no more swearin' round de house
+      When missus cut up bad;
+    Dar's no more kickin' niggers' shins,
+      And, darfor', I is glad.
+
+    "When mars'r take his horse to go,
+      He kindly say to me:
+    'I hab such confidence in you,
+      I leab you all, you see;
+    Of all de niggers round de place,
+      I trust to you alone.'
+    By golly! dat's what mars'r say
+      To eb'ry nig he own!
+
+    "'Now if dem Bobumlitionists
+      Should kill me dead,' says he,
+    'I hab instruct your missus kind
+      To set you niggers free.'
+    But mars'r say dat bery same
+      Wheneber he get sick,
+    And bresséd Jesus wrastle him
+      To make him holy quick.
+
+    "'Dem Yankees, dam um all,' says he,
+      'Am comin' down to steal
+    You niggers, and to sell you then
+      For Cuba cochineal.
+    De Suvern chiverly,' says he,
+      'Am fightin' jist fo' you.'
+    Now mars'r swearum when he lie,
+      And, darfor', dat wont do!
+
+    "Den mars'r trot away to war
+      With 'Dolphus by his side,--
+    A poor cream-colored, common dark
+      Dat isn't worf his hide.
+    He leab me and de other nigs
+      To clar the place alone,
+    With nuffin' but to play and shake
+      De fiddle and de bone.
+
+    "I hab a talk with Uncle Pete,
+      De old plantation hand,
+    And though he am intelligums
+      Dis chile can understand.
+    He say de Hallelugerum
+      For cullud folks hab cum,
+    And dat he bresséd Lord hab heard
+      And beat his thunder-drum.
+
+    "He say dat Northern buckra man
+      Hab sent his gun an' ship
+    To make de rebel chiverly
+      Give up his nigger whip,
+    He say dat now's de darkey's time
+      To break de bonds of sin,
+    And take his chil'en an' his wife
+      To whar de tide comes in.
+
+    "He say dat in de Norf, up dar,
+      Whar Mars'r Greeley dwell,
+    De white folks make de brack folks work,
+      But treat them bery well;
+    He says dey pay them for de work
+      Dey's smart enuff to do,
+    And nebber sells them furder Souf
+      When sheriff put um screw.
+
+    "I hab a wife an chil'en dear,
+      And mars'r say to me
+    He nebber sell them while he live,--
+      He'd rather set them free;
+    But dar's de mortgage on de house,
+      If dat should hab to fall,
+    Ole Uncle Pete hab told me dat
+      He'd hab to sell us all.
+
+    "I lub de ole plantation well,
+      And missus she is kind;
+    But den dis chile's inclined to try
+      Another home to find.
+    Now mars'r gwine away to war,
+      And give me such a chance,
+    I'll bress de Lord for libaty.
+      And hab a Juba dance.
+
+    "De Hallelugerum am cum
+      With glory in his eye,
+    And all de niggers in de Souf
+      Am fit to mount de sky.
+    My wife an' chil'en hab de spoons
+      Dat's owned by--(here a cough)--
+    I hab de sugar-tongs myself,
+      And, darfor,' I is off."
+
+Among the distinguished speakers invited to be present at the great
+meeting in Accomac, were: the Emperor of Russia, the Emperor of France,
+the Sultan of Turkey, Queen Victoria, the King of Sweden, the President
+of the United States, and Theodore Tilton; but, as the walking was very
+bad, they did not all come. The celebrated American patriot, Mr. Phelim
+O'Shaughnessy, took the chair in the absence of the President, and
+said, that as the Emperor of France was unavoidably absent, he would
+beg leave to introduce Mr. Terence Mulligan, whose ancestors were once
+Irishmen themselves.
+
+Mr. Mulligan was received with prolonged applause, and said, that
+although he bore an Irish name, he had never been ashamed to associate
+with Americans. His father, while yet on his way from Ireland, had been
+elected a Justice of the Peace in New York, and his son should be the
+last one to neglect the Union in its hour of need. What we wanted now,
+was, that the example of our Irish citizens should be imitated by the
+others, and that the war should be prosecuted with vigor. (Continued
+cheering.) Irishmen need never despair of this glorious Union, which
+had often been a House of Refuge for them, and could not fall without
+carrying Ireland with it,--so closely were the two great nations knit
+together. The Irish would never despair:
+
+    "For Freedom's struggle once begun,
+    Bequeathed from bleeding sire to son,
+    Though baffled oft, is ever won."
+
+When the enthusiasm had subsided, the chairman expressed his regret
+that the Emperor of Russia had not arrived yet; but felt confident that
+his place could not be better supplied than by Mr. Mickey Flanigan,
+whose forefathers were themselves the fellow-countrymen of Daniel
+O'Connell. (Great applause.)
+
+Mr. Flanigan arose amidst great cheering, and said that it was a time
+when every Irishman should feel as though the eyes of the whole world
+were upon him. He had found the natives of this country intelligent,
+kind, and hospitable; and though they had not taken his advice as to
+the management of this war, he firmly believed that no Irishman would
+disagree with him when he said, that Irish arms and Irish hearts would
+finally conquer:
+
+    "For Freedom's battle once begun.
+    Bequeathed by loyal sire to son,
+    Though baffled oft is ever won."
+
+As soon as the demonstrations of approval had sufficiently subsided,
+the chairman stated, that, for some unknown reason, Queen Victoria was
+behind time; yet he could not, for his part, feel sorry for an event
+which gave him an opportunity to introduce Mr. Figsey Korigan, who
+represented that element of the world's hidden, free spirit which had
+thundered in an Emmett and an O'Brien. (Great enthusiasm.)
+
+Mr. Korigan acknowledged the glorious welcome he had received, and
+declared that this was a proud day for Ireland. Her sons were ever
+foremost in the ranks of human freedom, shedding their votes for the
+oppressed of all lands, and fighting all the time. He would say to that
+Irishman who despaired of this Union, that he was unworthy of any
+office, and should blush to call himself an American. The speaker's own
+family had always been Irish, though he himself was born in Cork, and
+he would be ashamed to stand on that platform if he did not believe
+that the freeborn Irish soul would eventually triumph:
+
+    "For Freedom's contest once begun,
+    By bleeding sire bequeathed to son,
+    Though baffled oft is ever won."
+
+The chairman now arose, amid frantic applause, and said that the
+meeting was now at an end; but proposed that all the persons present
+should enroll themselves as members of a Union League for the
+Prevention of Distress among our Irish Soldiers in the Field. This was
+responded to with a thundering "Ay." He also proposed that each person
+present should contribute one dollar as a basis of a fund for the
+purpose. A gentleman here moved that the chairman's last suggestion
+should be amended by omitting the words "dollar" and "fund." Carried
+unanimously.
+
+Then all the Accomackians went pleasantly home, my boy, except one
+seedy chap who had stood patiently before the platform during all the
+proceedings; and there he still stood, with his arms folded, when all
+the rest had gone. He was a somewhat loaferish chap, with some
+appearance of the philosopher.
+
+The chairman looked at him, and says he:
+
+"What are you waiting for, my friend?"
+
+The chap gave an extra chew to his tobacco, and says he:
+
+"I'm waiting for that ere Great Union meeting to come off."
+
+"Why," says the chairman, "the meeting is all over."
+
+"Yes, I know--_that_ meeting," says the chap, explainingly; "but I mean
+the Great _Union_ meeting."
+
+It is astonishing, my boy, how much ignorance there is in this world.
+Here was a sane human being who had attentively stood all through a
+meeting in aid of our sacred national cause, and yet did not know that
+it was a Union meeting.
+
+Thursday was the day when I reached the head-quarters of the Mackerel
+Brigade, at the ancient city of Paris, arriving just in time to witness
+one of those strategic naval exploits which will yet cause the American
+name to be respected wherever there is nothing particular against it.
+
+It appears, that after his last successful experiment with his patent
+swivel gun, that stanch old sea-dog, Rear Admiral Head, devoted much of
+his time on Duck Lake fishing for bass, believing that noble expanse of
+waters to be free from all obstructions and open to the commerce of the
+world. The commerce did not come, my boy; but several insidious
+Confederacies did; and as our glorious old son of Neptune always sat
+with his back to their side of the lake when fishing, they constructed
+a pier which extended from the shore to the main deck of the
+iron-plated Mackerel Squadron, the "Secretary Welles," and had planted
+seven villanous horse-pistols to command the Admiral's fish-basket and
+umbrella before our hoary old salt discovered that the war was still
+going on.
+
+"Riddle my turret!" says the grim old Triton, in his iron-plated
+manner, "I believe a blockade is established; dent my plates if I
+don't."
+
+Heartily did that pride of our Navy call up the culpably inattentive
+Mackerel crew, who were eating clams in the stern-sheets, and quickly
+was the gallant "Secretary Welles" withdrawn out of the range of the
+Confederacies' murderous fire; her swivel gun raking the atmosphere
+fore and aft, whilst the fearless old sea-dog sat down upon a reversed
+pail amidships, and addressed a letter breathing future vengeance to
+the unseemly Copperheads of the North. "Sink my Monitor!" says he
+hotly; "let them beware of the time when the Navy returns to its
+peaceful home!"
+
+But it was on Thursday, my boy, that the Rear Admiral was to run the
+blockade of the Confederacies' pier, and Captain Villiam Brown, Captain
+Bob Shorty, and myself, stood upon the edge of Duck Lake, with our
+pieces of smoked glass in our hands, to behold this triumph of
+consummate naval strategy.
+
+At the hour appointed, we beheld Rear Admiral Head and his Mackerel
+crew slipping over the stern of the Mackerel squadron into the water,
+and immediately the "Secretary Welles" commenced to float past the
+Confederacies' batteries with the tide. Onward she went, despite the
+plunging fire from the horse-pistols, and, presently, we could see her
+go safely ashore. Never shall I forget the beautiful glow of triumph
+that overspread the noble countenance of Rear Admiral Head, as he and
+his crew waded through the water to the place where we stood.
+
+"Unrivet my armor!" says he, in his stern, iron-plated manner; "I call
+that running a blockade in good style."
+
+"Yes," says I, sceptically; "but how are you going to get the squadron
+back again?"
+
+"Eh?" says he, "what was that question, young man?"
+
+"Why," says I, anxiously, "now that the squadron has run the blockade,
+how are you going to get her back again?"
+
+"By all that's iron-clad," says the grim old sea-dog, violently, "I
+forgot all about that."
+
+"Ah!" says Captain Villiam Brown, pleasantly, "can't you dig a canal?"
+
+At this moment there was a tremendous explosion; something was seen
+flying through the air, and then the swivel gun of the "Secretary
+Welles," with the Admiral's fish-basket and umbrella attached, fell
+beside us on the sand. In their haste to take possession of our
+squadron, the Confederacies had dropped some sparks from their pipes
+into the powder-magazine, blowing our entire armament back to us!
+
+Providence, my boy, is evidently on our side in this war; which
+accounts for the fact that human naval genius has not yet entirely
+ruined us.
+
+Yours, devoutly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER LXXXVIII.
+
+    CONCERNING INTELLECTUAL GIANTS AND PINS; WITH A FEW WORDS AS TO
+    CERTAIN DRAMATIC STREET-SCENES SUPPOSED TO BE OF DAILY OCCURRENCE;
+    AN AFFECTING WESTERN POEM; AND A BRIEF GLIMPSE OF AN ORDINARY
+    CAVALRY DASH.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., March 22d, 1863.
+
+Greatness of mind, my boy, like greatness of body, consists no less in
+a capacity for making good use of small things than in an ability to
+master vast ones; and the intellect sublime enough to grasp the whole
+system of the universe, may not disdain to draw a useful lesson in
+human nature even from so minute an object as the Secretary of the
+Interior. The elephant, in the full amplitude of his physical
+greatness, has been briefly and comprehensively characterized as an
+animal able to knock down a giant and pick up a pin; and how shall the
+glorious human mind boast its superiority over matter, if it be not
+also endowed with the power of stooping as well as soaring? I believe,
+my boy, in the mind that picks up pins intellectual; especially in
+these days, when there are so few intellectual giants to knock down.
+Indeed, so important to the general system of intellect is the system
+of taking no less note of small things than of great ones, that a
+multitude of writers who deal only in the smallest kind of matters all
+their lives may themselves be denominated intellectual pins. I hold
+Mr. Tupper to be an intellectual pin, and Mr. Willis has also become
+somewhat of a pin in these his later years.
+
+To the youthful soul, still steeped in those romantic dreams, of which
+a supper of pig's feet is the best artificial provocative I know, this
+war is a vast phantasmagoria of almighty giants struggling together in
+the clouds. There was a time when I, too, was able to see it to that
+extent; but time, and some experience in Virginia, have reduced my
+giants in the clouds to brigadiers in the mud; and from seeing our
+national banner in the character of a rainbow dipped in stars, I have
+come to regard it as an ambitious attempt to represent sunrise in
+muslin, the unexpected scantiness of the material compelling the
+ingenious artist to use a section of midnight to fill up.
+
+Down in Accomac, the other day, I overheard a sentimental Mackerel
+chap, to whom I had imparted this flagging idea, inflicting it upon
+another Mackerel as original; but he was anxious to improve upon the
+comparison, and says he:
+
+"Our National Standard is so much like a beautiful sunrise, that I
+could almost wish the full idea of an eternal morning could be further
+expressed in it by something to represent the dew."
+
+The inferior Mackerel scratched his head, and says he:
+
+"Why, my pay has been due for some time, and I myself am eternally
+mourning for it."
+
+If we cast pearls before swine, my boy, we must not be surprised to
+find them taken for the seeds of cabbage-heads. I once told a
+Wall-street broker that I considered the break of day one of Nature's
+most glorious sights; and he said that he didn't mind it himself, if he
+didn't happen to have any of Day's notes on hand at the time.
+
+But, to return to the giants and the pins; the absence of all giants in
+the way of events for the past week has induced me to take note of the
+pins; and close observation of a few of the latter induces me to
+believe that a strong Union feeling is beginning to be developed
+amongst the loyal masses of the North. For instance: one of the
+passengers in one of the street-cars of Paris, the other day, was a
+venerable man of ninety-three years and seven months, who sat quietly
+between two lady-passengers, eating roast chestnuts, and permitting the
+shells to fall upon their laps. Upon his hoary locks rested a white
+hat, well worn and mashed-in with time; his once light overcoat
+buttoned close to his throat, represented a drawn battle between grease
+spots and torn places; his venerable lower members were encased in blue
+overalls, somewhat shaded about the knees; and the large feet, resting
+easily upon the cushions of the opposite seat of the car, wore one
+slipper and one disabled boot. With the exception of a scarcely heard
+hiccup between every two chestnuts that he ate, not a sound was emitted
+by this venerable and striking figure as he sat there thus
+unobtrusively in a public car, like any ordinary passenger.
+
+Presently, a young and boisterous lieutenant, vain of his new regimentals,
+and full of the airs of a new Jack-in-office, entered the car, and
+egotistically attempted to make his way to a seat. A faint hiccup
+saluted his ear, and, looking down, he found his way barred by the aged
+legs of the venerable stranger, whose feet were upon the opposite
+cushions.
+
+"Let me pass, old man?" says the vain youngster, with the smart air of
+one who wishes to get to his seat.
+
+The venerable stranger hardly raised his stern old eyes at the flippant
+remark, but ate another chestnut, as though no one had spoken.
+
+"Come, my friend," says the conceited stripling, with fresh arrogance,
+"Be kind enough to move for a moment. I am Colonel P----."
+
+In an instant, the aged frame sprang to his feet, opened all the
+windows, turned the conductor out of the car, locked the doors, mashed
+his hat down over his eyes, and frantically tearing open his
+dilapidated overcoat, displayed _the star of a major-general_!
+
+In an instant, the newly-fledged colonel lost all his knowing
+braggadocio, and cowered before the glorious old veteran, like a cowed
+cur (female of a bull-dog).
+
+"Wr-r-r-etch!" exclaimed the hoary commander, in tones of thunder,
+relieved with the vivid lightning of a hiccup, "Do you know _me_!"
+
+The abashed young boaster could only bow his head in shame, and took
+the first opportunity to dash himself from the vehicle wherein he had
+been taught such a lesson. And this should teach us all, my boy, that
+bad clothes are not always a sure sign of the wearer being only a
+reporter for the _Tribune_; nor do the ordinary symptoms of
+intoxication always indicate that the possessor lacks high rank in our
+national army.
+
+Some hours later, on this same car, there transpired a somewhat
+different scene, but one equally calculated to prove that there is
+indeed a North. Twenty-three wealthy secessionists were in the swift
+vehicle, the only other passenger being a handsome lad of about
+sixteen, in the uniform of a brigadier. Rendered confident by their
+numbers, the enemies of our beneficent form of government entered into
+a venomous discussion of the siege of Vicksburg, asserting that the
+Yazoo Expedition had not yet captured forty-two steamboats of
+Confederacies, and that the announcement of the capture of the
+Mississippi River was premature.
+
+The young soldier of the Republic went on with some candy he was
+eating, an apparently indifferent spectator of this symposium of
+treason; but the close spectator could not have failed to observe that
+his whole form was invisibly convulsed with a patriotic indignation.
+Presently, however, when one of the more hideous conspirators
+heartlessly remarked that we had not heard much of our army in Virginia
+lately, endurance ceased to be a virtue, and the young hero could no
+longer restrain himself.
+
+In a moment his whole aspect changed; his eyes burst into a devouring
+blaze, and his cheeks were in flames before aught could be done to
+check the conflagration. Animated by the strength of a giant, in a
+cause which he believed to be a noble one, he shot the traitors one by
+one with his revolver, and buried them in an obscure swamp near the
+track; he paid the driver and conductor their wages, and induced them
+to enlist for three years; then, after selling both the horses at
+auction, he broke the car into kindling-wood for the use of the poor.
+
+And this mere boy, who could make himself equal to an emergency,--what
+of him? I can fancy him a fond mothers pride, a venerable father's
+hope,--ay, even a tender sister's favorite snub. When this record of
+his glory reaches them, will they remember, in the midst of their proud
+exultation, the poor scribe whose humble pen relates to them the
+glories of their house? Will they drop one burning tear to the memory
+of him who at this moment does not know what on earth to write about
+next, and heartily wishes that he had been content to earn a
+respectable living as a reputable wood-sawyer, instead of turning
+writer? Will they sometimes give one idle thought to the unpretending
+_litérateur_ who has found the glorious reward of literary merit to be
+an assumption by one-horse country newspapers of the right to talk
+about him by his family name without troubling themselves to put in the
+civilized courtesy of "Mr."? Will they mention in their less urgent
+prayer, occasionally, the modest child of the quill, who would exceed
+all the horrors of the Inquisition with the foes of his country, by
+actually forcing them to write a column for a newspaper when they felt
+mentally incapable of penning a single coherent paragraph? Will they?
+
+Ah! this is no country to appreciate genius; as they wrote upon the
+tomb of my early friend, the sweet-singing Arkansaw Nightingale, whose
+last sad manuscript to me described
+
+    "A BIG DOG FIT.
+
+    "Lige Simmons is as cute a chap
+      As ever you did see,
+    And when the feller says a thing,
+      It's sure as it can be.
+
+    "He owns a dog--and sich a brute
+      For smellin' round a chap,
+    I never see in all my life,
+      You'd better bet your cap.
+
+    "Now Lige is proud of this here dog,
+      And says the critter'll whip
+    As many wild-cats in an hour
+      As go to load a ship.
+
+    "'But, law,' says Lige, 'that animile
+      Is awful in a row,
+    And other pups 'longside of him
+      An't no account, nohow.'
+
+    "In fact, one day, I saw the same
+      Contemporaneous pup
+    Pitch into a Newfounlander
+      And chaw him slightly up.
+
+    "He's such a plaguy little cuss,
+      You'd laugh to see him come;
+    But when there's chawin' up to do,
+      I tell you, boss, he's some!
+
+    "One day, a pedler came to town
+      With ginger-beer and things,
+    And patent clocks, and pious books,
+      And fancy finger-rings.
+
+    "And underneath his cart was tied
+      A bull-dog of the kind
+    That tears your musn't-mention-'ems,
+      In angry frame of mind.
+
+    "Now, Lige's dog was smellin' round,
+      And when he see this here,
+    He cocked his eye in agony,
+      And acted awful queer.
+
+    "The bull-dog gin a rousin' shout,
+      As Lige's dog went by,
+    And gev him such a sassy nip
+      That fur began to fly.
+
+    "Then Lige's dog unfurled his tail
+      And gev the wound a lick,
+    And then pitched into that ere dog
+      A way that _wasn't_ sick.
+
+    "The critters had it nip and tuck,
+      And made such awful noise,
+    That Lige himself came up to see,
+      With all the other boys.
+
+    "The pedler see him, and says he,
+      Like one to fits inured:
+    'I'm sorry, strannger; but I hope
+      Your yaller dog's insured.'
+
+    "I tell you, boys, 'twas fun to see
+      The grin that Lige put on,
+    As in his cheek he put a chaw
+      And winked his eye at one.
+
+    "'Oh, let the varmints fit,' says Lige,
+      'My pup is awful thin,
+    And this here row will make him look
+      Jist like himself ag'in.'
+
+    "And all this while the fit went on,
+      With such a mess of dust
+    We couldn't tell the upper dog,
+      If all our eyes should bust.
+
+    "'Twas yell and yowl, and shout and growl,
+      And stompin' awful hard,
+    And sometimes they'd a tail stick out
+      From where the dust was bar'd.
+
+    "Byme-by the noise began to die,
+      And as it fainter grew,
+    The dust began to settle down,
+      And you could just see through.
+
+    "At last it cleared away entire,
+      But all that we could see
+    Was Lige's dog a squattin' down
+      Beneath the axletree.
+
+    "'Law!' says the pedler, lookin' blue,
+      'What's happened to _my_ pup?'
+    Says Lige: 'It's my opinion, boss,
+      My pup has eat him up.'
+
+    "'But where's the chain I tied him with?'
+      The pedler loud did call.
+    And would you b'lieve me--Lige's dog
+      Had swallowed chain and all!
+
+    "One end was hangin' from his mouth
+      And gev him such a cough,
+    We had to fetch a chisel out
+      And cut some inches off.
+
+    "Then that ere brute, to show the joy
+      That's nat'ral to dum brutes,
+    Insulted that sad pedler there,
+      By smellin' round his boots.
+
+    "The pedler dropped a tear, and then
+      Says he to Lige, says he:
+    'I'd like to buy that yaller pup
+      And take him home with me.'
+
+    "But 'no,' says Lige, with proud disdain
+      And sot down on a log,
+    'That pup is plural now, you know--
+      A dog within a dog.'
+
+    "'He's twice as strong to fit,' says Lige;
+      'For if he's killed outside,
+    I'll turn the critter inside out,
+      And let _your_ critter slide.'
+
+    "'Well,' says the pedler, with a sigh,
+      'The pup's a trump, I think;
+    But let us change the subject now;
+      Say, strannger!--do you drink?'"
+
+But let me not indulge in sentiment, my boy, while it is still before
+me to describe the recent successful reconnoissance of the Anatomical
+Cavalry, whose horses remind me of the celebrated war-horse described
+by Job, inasmuch as it is believed that the far-famed patience of that
+scriptural patriarch would have stood a very poor chance with them.
+
+The Grim Old Fighting Cox, the new General of the Mackerel Brigade,
+having learned from the New York daily papers, of the week previous,
+that a few hundred thousand freshly-drafted Confederacies were massing
+themselves on his right, resolved to order a triumphant reconnoissance
+by the Anatomical Cavalry and the Orange County Howitzers, for the
+purpose of discovering whether the war was actually going on yet. As
+the steeds of the cavalry were widely dispersed through the various
+gravel meadows around the Mackerel camp, my boy, and had grown somewhat
+wild from long disuse, I was somewhat puzzled to know how they could
+all be caught quickly enough, and says I to Captain Villiam Brown, who
+was to command the combined expedition:
+
+"Tell me, my Pylades, how will you manage to organize the equestrian
+bone-works without losing too many hours?"
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, briskly replacing the cork in his canteen, and
+startling his geometrical steed, Euclid, from a soft doze, "we must
+make use of our knowledge of natural history, which is the animal
+kingdom. Observe the device used in such cases by the scientific United
+States of America."
+
+I looked, my boy, and beheld a select company of joyous Mackerels
+hoisting a huge board to the top of a lofty pole, which must have been
+visible for a mile distant. The board simply bore, in large letters,
+the simple words:
+
+    "THE OATS HAVE COME."
+
+and scarcely had it reached the top of the pole, when the anatomical
+steeds came pouring into the camp with frantic speed, and from every
+direction.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, thoughtfully, "how powerful is instink, even in a
+dumb animal. I once had a dog," says Villiam, reflectively, "whose
+instink was so powerful, that to stop his vocal barking it was only
+necessary to show him a good-sized piece of bark. He felt," says
+Villiam, explainingly, "that it was a larger bark than his, and it made
+him silent."
+
+Truly, my boy, there is often a marvellous similarity between instinct
+and reason, the former serving as the foundation of the latter, and not
+unfrequently being entirely destitute of a superstructure in military
+men.
+
+The Cavalry and Howitzers having been arranged in such order that each
+supported the other, and a prospect of some carnage supported them
+both, the word was given to advance, and the warlike pageant swept
+onward very much as we read in the reliable morning journals. I was
+proceeding at the head of the cavalcade, with Villiam, pleasantly
+discussing with him the propriety of digging a canal to Richmond, and
+using the Cavalry on the tow-path, when there rode forth from the cover
+of a wood near at hand a horseman, whose stately bearing and
+dishevelled hat announced Captain Munchausen, of the celebrated
+Southern Confederacy. He waved his sword courteously to Villiam, and
+says he:
+
+"You bring your hordes to measure sabres with us, I presume?"
+
+Villiam rattled his good sword Escalibar[4] in its scabbard, and says
+he, grimly, "We are met together for that purpose."
+
+      [4] It is hardly necessary to state that this sword,
+      "Escalibar," is probably identical with the invincible blade,
+      of the same name, presented to King Arthur by the Lady of the
+      Lake.
+
+Captain Munchausen smiled superciliously, and says he, "Is this
+intended by your vandals to be what you call a brilliant cavalry dash?"
+
+Villiam waved his hand majestically, and says he:
+
+"That is the exciting phrase."
+
+"Then," says Munchausen, with unseemly levity of tone, "I can tell you,
+before you go any farther, that you are out of ammunition."
+
+Here Captain Samyule Sa-mith, of the Howitzers, who had come up while
+the talking was going on, suddenly slapped his knee, and says he:
+
+"That's so. I knew I had forgotten something in this here expedition,
+and it's the ammunition."
+
+So we all went back to camp, Captain Munchausen being too much
+demoralized by the bad example to pursue us.
+
+Our latest cavalry dashes, my boy, being reduced to their simplest
+meaning, signify devised charges of cavalry, which are based upon
+charges of artillery, which have forgotten to bring any charges with
+them.
+
+Yours, retreatingly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER LXXXIX.
+
+    SHOWING HOW THE GREAT CITY OF ROME HAS BEEN RUINED BY THE WAR;
+    CITING A NOTABLE INSTANCE OF CONTEMPT OF COURT; DESCRIBING REAR
+    ADMIRAL HEAD'S WONDERFUL IMPROVEMENT IN SWIVEL GUNS; AND PROVING
+    THAT ALL IS NOW READY FOR THE REDUCTION OF FORT PIANO.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., March 29th, 1863.
+
+After due consideration of the different points of the Compass, and a
+fair estimate of the claims of each to superiority, I am inclined to
+give the preference to the Great North-west. It is to the Great
+North-west that we are indebted for our best facilities of sunset; some
+of the greatest hogs of the day come from Cincinnati; the principal
+smells of the age belong to Chicago, and the whiskey of Louisville has
+almost entirely superseded the pump of our forefathers. Hence, my boy,
+it was with a feeling akin to reverence that I witnessed the arrival in
+Accomac of a delegation of high moral Democratic chaps from the Great
+North-west, the other day; their mission being, to protest against all
+further continuation of a war which was degenerated into a mere
+bloodshed for the sake of New England; and to suggest that a convention
+of all the States be at once held in Kentucky, to arrange a peace that
+shall be acceptable to the Great North-west. I was asking the
+thoughtful chairman of the delegation what were his particular
+grievances, and says he:
+
+"This war is ruining much valuable Real Estate in the Great North-west,
+of which I and my fellow-beings are proprietors; and cannot continue
+without proving the entire destruction of some of our largest cities.
+Just before this war broke out," says the thoughtful chap,
+impressively, "I gave a three-years' note of seven hundred and sixteen
+dollars and fifteen cents for the city of Rome, situated on the future
+line of the Atlantic and Pacific Canal, and divided into four hundred
+water-lots of five fathoms each. As soon as the Atlantic and Pacific
+Canal was built, the water would have been drawn off by means of
+eighteen large hydraulic pumps supported by Eastern capital, leaving
+the lots all ready for building purposes. The main street would then
+have been graded, and paved with the new patent Connecticut
+sub-drainage pavement, and would have extended two miles in a perfectly
+straight line, with a horse-railroad through the centre. The various
+intersecting streets I should have named numerically, commencing with
+'First Street,' which faces upon the Atlantic and Pacific Canal, and so
+going on to 'One Hundred and Seventy-sixth street,' and so on. These
+streets would have been occupied exclusively by brown-stone-front
+residences, with a flag-staff bearing our national banner on the roof
+of each one, and rented to small private families without children. The
+full lots on the main street would have been used for the City Hall,
+the Lunatic Asylum, the Custom House, the Home for Deranged Persons,
+the Merchants' Exchange, the Corn Exchange, the Refuge for the Insane,
+the Grain Elevator, the Institution for Friendless Maniacs, the
+Principal Pork-Packing Establishment, the Hall of Records, the Office
+of the Superintendent of Central Parks, the Madman's Snug Harbor, and
+the Municipal Bar-Room. The sixty-eight principal banks would have
+discounted bills of exchange at sight, for the benefit of the numerous
+foreign vessels constantly arriving at the principal pier by way of the
+Atlantic and Pacific Canal, and the Fire Department would have been
+limited to twenty-three hundred hose-carriages and engines, with an
+educated Chief Engineer." Here the thoughtful Democratic chap gnashed
+his teeth, and says he:
+
+"But the City of Rome has been entirely retarded by this here Black
+Republican New England war upon the sunny South, with which the great
+North-west has no earthly quarrel whatsoever."
+
+I was pondering a reply to this very reasonable speech, my boy, when
+word was suddenly brought that one of the Mackerel pickets had just
+assassinated a young Confederacy, who had only fired twice upon his
+inhuman murderer. No sooner did the thoughtful Proprietor of the City
+of Rome hear this sickening news than he at once formed the other
+Democratic chaps into a coroner's jury, and hastily proceeded to hold a
+high moral inquest upon the body of the lamented deceased.
+
+There being no witnesses to examine, and nothing in the pocket-book
+found upon the body, the proprietor of Rome removed two tears with his
+red silk handkerchief, and briefly summoned up the case. Kneeling
+desolately beside the cold remains, and taking one of the lifeless
+hands within his own, he sniffed feelingly, and says he:
+
+"The young man which is here before us is another of them noble souls
+that have fallen gory sacrifices to the Mulock of War."
+
+"You mean 'Moloch of War,'" says a juryman.
+
+Whereupon he was committed to custody for contempt of court.
+
+"This young man," continued the Proprietor of Rome, "may have had good
+cause to hate and despise the radical abolition offsprings of New
+England; but he had no quarrel with the glorious Democratic party of
+the Great North-west, which is now blindly fighting for his
+wooden-nutmeg foes. I will venture to say," says the thoughtful Roman,
+with great emotion, "that he even loved the Great North-west in his
+heart. Behold how freely he permits me to clasp his left hand to my
+friendly buzzom, even though he is dead."
+
+Just then there was a sudden silence, my boy, for the right hand of the
+deceased young Confederacy was observed to be slowly rising in the air!
+Overcome with awe, the jury gazed upon the strange spectacle, like men
+under a wizard's spell. Slowly, slowly, the hand arose, until nearly
+above the face of the slain Confederacy; then it descended until it
+reached the half-averted countenance of the dead, and convulsively
+seized the nose between the thumb and fore-finger.
+
+The Proprietor of the City of Rome changed color, and says he:
+"Well--ahem!--it can't be that--" Here he looked more closely at the
+body, and says he:
+
+"I am at a loss to explain this remarkable phenomena."
+
+A venerable juryman, of much shirt-collar, coughed to attract
+attention, and says he: "I should take the present attitude of our
+departed Confederate brother to be that of a man who smells something
+obnoxious."
+
+Here the Proprietor of Rome suddenly dropped the left hand of the
+deceased Confederacy, and says he:
+
+"Why, he must mean to insult the Great North-west."
+
+"Yes," says the venerable juryman, "there can be but one construction
+of the present offensive attitude of this dead young being."
+
+The thoughtful Proprietor of the City of Rome deliberately took off his
+spectacles, blew his nose, buttoned his coat up to his chin, and says
+he: "I have always advocated a vigorous prosecution of the war, and
+believe that full nine-tenths of our gallant troops are Democrats.
+What's the werdict?"
+
+The shirt-collared juryman waved his hand impressively, and says he:
+"We find the deceased guilty of contempt of court in the Last Degree."
+
+Then the Democratic chaps from the Great North-west held an
+enthusiastic mass meeting on the spot, and unanimously resolved that
+neither Kentucky nor Indiana would resist the Conscription Bill, should
+it be found unsafe to do so.
+
+Believe me, my boy, when I say that the great Democratic party is
+stanchly loyal at heart, however strangely its head may seem to err at
+times; and never will it take a side with the enemies of the country,
+even whilst those enemies make offers to it not only aside but affront.
+
+Upon going down to Paris on Friday, I found the well-disciplined and
+spectacled Mackerel Brigade greatly excited and demoralized by the
+insidious report that their famous new General, the Grim Old Fighting
+Cox, had actually washed himself. This injurious rumor, my boy,
+suggested such humiliating national recollections of those days of
+consummate strategy, when a certain egotistical commander indulged in
+the vanities of soap and hair-oil, that the Brigade were naturally
+terrified. Finally, however, the absurd story received a decisive
+quietus, when the Grim Old Fighting Cox was seen riding slowly on his
+unostentatious steed, the "Pride of the Canal," dressed in the
+unassuming republican habiliments of a stern and inflexible
+coal-heaver. It is needless to say that he had not washed himself. This
+war is at length beginning in earnest.
+
+It is beautiful to see how the Grim Old Fighting Cox is improving the
+morals of the venerable Mackerels, and winning their affection,
+confidence, and respect. Coming, unexpectedly, upon a Mackerel, who had
+just laid aside his umbrella, and removed his spectacles, in order that
+he might weep the more freely, he fired a pistol over his head, and
+says he:
+
+"What is the matter, my dear sir?"
+
+"Oh!" says the poor Mackerel, sobbing, "I am in sore need of the pay
+which is due me for two years' faithful strategy to the Union, and know
+not where to get it."
+
+The Grim Old Fighting Cox was much affected, and says he, softly: "You
+must humbly kneel, and beseech Providence for it."
+
+The afflicted chap toyed with his spectacles, and says he: "But suppose
+Providence should refuse?"
+
+"Then come to ME!" thundered the Grim Old Fighting Cox, with the air of
+a stern national parent.
+
+I could relate hundreds of such significant anecdotes as this, my boy;
+though when the Grim Old Fighting Cox tells them himself to all the
+reporters of the reliable morning journals, he invariably desires that
+they shall go no further; but other great events demand my immediate
+attention.
+
+It was very shortly after the victorious but disastrous blowing up of
+the Mackerel iron-plated squadron, the "Secretary Welles," on Duck
+Lake, by the infatuated Confederacies of Pier No. 1,--it was shortly
+after this event, which I duly recounted at the time, that our
+unconquerable old sea-dog, Rear Admiral Head, invented an entirely new
+iron-clad after the model of a Quaker hat, the turret being of solid
+iron all through, and so arranged that it could be used to cover the
+gangway amidships. In fact, my boy, the turret was a movable block of
+iron, with the swivel-gun mounted on top; so that if the turret
+happened to be hit, the artillery would not be disabled, and if the
+artillery was disabled, the turret would still be as good as ever.
+(Patent applied for.) There was some discussion as to what name should
+be given to this formidable monster, nearly the whole six-barrelled
+Indian language having been almost exhausted by our national navy; but
+finally it was resolved to call her the "Shockingbadhat,"--an old
+Choctaw title of much simplicity, signifying originally "The Head what
+errs," but now understood as meaning "The Head waters."
+
+There has also been a great improvement in the swivel-gun, my boy,
+which has been so reconstructed as to remedy the evil of immediate
+bursting so common to our heavier ordnance. A select committee of
+Mackerels having been appointed to examine our national ordnance
+system, and discover the cause of its inefficiency, stated in their
+able report that the causes of the frequent bursting of our larger guns
+are,--
+
+_First._ The powder used in propelling the appropriate missile against
+the enemy.
+
+_Second._ The addition of an incendiary spark to said powder.
+
+It was further stated in the report, that, although the barrel of a gun
+was frequently fractured when it exploded, there was no record of the
+touch-hole ever having burst; and the committee believed that this
+curious fact should serve as a valuable suggestion to the manufacturers
+of future heavy ordnance.
+
+Acting upon this truly valuable suggestion, our stern old Son of
+Neptune caused his swivel-gun to be reconstructed upon a novel
+principle; the touch-hole was extended to the usual size of a barrel,
+and the barrel was reduced to the usual size of a touch-hole; so that,
+although the terrible weapon looked precisely the same as ever, it was,
+in reality, _completely reversed_!
+
+But while the "Shockingbadhat" was being built, and receiving her
+terrific new armament, the shameless Confederacies on their Pier in
+Duck Lake had been industriously building Fort Piano and mounting it
+with their villanous horse-pistols; so that when the new Mackerel
+iron-plated squadron was ready for carnage and fishing, there was a
+hostile projection in the way.
+
+"Chip my turret!" says Rear Admiral Head, in his iron-plated manner, "I
+think I shall have to blow a few more Rebels into eternity--smash my
+casemate! if I don't."
+
+I stood upon the shore of Duck Lake, with a bit of smoked glass to my
+eye as usual, when our new monster of the deep came abreast of Fort
+Piano, and Rear Admiral Head commenced to reconnoitre through his
+pocket-microscope. The venerable commander gazed steadfastly through it
+for a moment, and then, says he:
+
+"Crack my plates! if I don't perceive an insect on the wall of the
+hostile work."
+
+There was indeed a solitary Confederacy seated upon the front wall of
+Fort Piano, dining sumptuously upon some fresh hoe-cake, and says he:
+
+"You can't pass here without a New Jersey ferry-ticket."
+
+(New Jersey, my boy, is now a Southern Confederacy, or a Peace of one.)
+
+I could hear the glorious old naval hero say, in a suppressed voice, to
+the intelligent Mackerel crew on top of the turret:
+
+"Depress your weapon four points to windward, grease the ball, and fire
+at his stomach."
+
+In another instant, the whole landscape shook with a tremendous
+explosion, jarring the Admiral so greatly that his spectacles fell off,
+and causing his blue cotton umbrella to tremble like a leaf. The ball
+ascended to the zenith in a parabolical curve, and was lost amongst the
+other planets. I do not think, my boy, that the Confederacy would have
+been offended at this, had not the sudden noise caused him to jump in
+such a manner that he dropped his hoe-cake into the dirt. Upon this
+occurrence, however, he sprang to his legs on the wall, drew up a long
+pole from behind him, disrespectfully cracked our glorious old Rear
+Admiral over the head with it, and then commenced shoving at the turret
+of the "Shockingbadhat."
+
+Perceiving the great danger of the squadron, and unmindful of his own
+wound, the venerable sea-dog hastily grasped at the pole, and says he:
+"Ah, now, what do you want to do that for, Mr. Davis? What's the use of
+pushing my turret overboard?"
+
+He said this so mildly that the Confederacy burst into a prodigious
+horse-laugh, and drew in his pole again.
+
+"As no possible good could be attained by taking Fort Piano, the
+indomitable old Rear Admiral at once returned with the squadron to his
+original anchorage; having gained all that was required, and proved his
+iron-clad monster to be fully qualified for actual service. Everything
+is now ready for the anticipated conquest of Duck Lake."
+
+I give you the above in quotation marks, my boy, because it is the
+official report as it appears in all the reliable morning journals, and
+clearly and satisfactorily explains everything. The first of April is
+close at hand.
+
+Yours, fortuitously,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XC.
+
+    GIVING A DEEP INSIGHT OF WOMAN'S NATURE; PRESENTING A POWERFUL POEM
+    OF THE HEART BY ONE OF THE INTELLECTUAL FEMALES OF AMERICA; AND
+    REPORTING THE SIGNAL DISCOMFITURE OF MR. P. GREENE.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., April 5th, 1863.
+
+Woman's heart, my boy, in its days of youthful immaturity and vegetable
+development, may be felicitously likened unto a delicate cabbage, with
+an invisible worm feeding upon its sensitive petals. To the eye of the
+ordinary and unfeeling observer, the cabbage is in perfect health, and
+its intense greenness is thoughtlessly accepted as a sure indication of
+an unravaged system. Man, proud man, with all his boasted human wisdom,
+would smile incredulously, if told that the tender vegetable--the
+magnified and nervous white rose, as it were--had beneath all its
+seeming verdancy, an insatiable and remorseless worm gnawing at its
+hidden core. Man, I say, would thus wallow in his miserable ignorance,
+and persist in his disgusting blindness. But mark that dainty little
+figure coming up the garden-walk, my boy. It does not walk erect, like
+boastful Man, does not spit tobacco-juice like haughty Man; and as it
+approaches nearer, we perceive that it is a hot-house Pig. Ay, my lord:
+I say to you, in all your glory of human understanding and trifling
+degree of snobbishness, it is a Pig. Yes, madam: I remark to you, in
+your jewels, and laces, and absurd new bonnet,--it is only a Pig.
+_very_ a Pig! O-O-ONLY a Pig! And why should we say "only" a Pig; as
+though a Pig were so _very_ inferior to proud Man? We all accord to the
+awful and unfathomable German Mind a preternatural gift of philosophy,
+so far above the contemptibly-limited thing we call human understanding
+that no man can ever understand a word of it; and how does that German
+Mind express itself when it desires to describe the Vast, the
+Extensive, and the Somewhat Large? Why, it simply observes "Das is von
+'PIG' thing." And is not this unaffected remark sufficient, my boy, to
+raise the wrongfully despised Pig to the dignity of an adjective, at
+least? But look once more at the hot-house Pig in question, as he
+stoops thoughtfully to the cabbage which derisive Man has esteemed
+perfectly sound. He pushes it once with his nose; he raises his eyes,
+blinking in the glorious sunshine; his tail vibrates a moment; a solemn
+wink,--a grunt of deep reflection,--and he _turns to another cabbage_!
+
+Yes! this despised little roasting-pig, this unconsidered Flower, as it
+were, has surpassed all the vaunted wisdom of stuck-up Man, and
+discovered the worm at the core of the sensitive cabbage!
+
+Woman's heart, my boy, in its days of youthful immaturity and vegetable
+development, is a metaphorical Cabbage with a figurative worm at its
+palpitating core. That worm is a passionate yearning for TRUE SYMPATHY.
+Heartless but wealthy Man comes along, and says: "This Cabbage is in
+perfect health, and I will Husband it." He _does_ Husband it my boy,
+and what is the consequence? Not knowing anything about the existence
+of the worm, he cannot, of course, furnish that TRUE SYMPATHY which is
+necessary to end its horrible gnawings; and so the worm keeps feeding
+until the Cabbage Heart becomes a mere shell, when the least zephyr
+will break it. How different the result had that Heart been--or, that
+is to say, how changed would the case have been had she--or, in other
+words, what an opposite spectacle might we--or, rather she--if he--if
+she--
+
+Really, my boy, I am all in a cold perspiration; for I find that I must
+have made some dreadful mistake in my argument. Hem! There really
+_must_ be some strange mistake in it, my boy; for I cannot follow it
+out without making it scandalously appear, that a man, to really
+understand a Woman's Heart, must be something of a Pig. This conclusion
+would be very insulting to the women of America, and there certainly
+must be some mistake about it.
+
+What led me into this philosophical vein of analytical thought was a
+touching poem of the home affections, which was sent to me for perusal
+on Monday by one of the intellectual Young Women of America. It is one
+of those revelations of Woman's inner-self which move us to tearful
+compassion for a sex doomed to be the victim of man's selfishness and
+its own too-great sensibilities. The terrible picture of woe is called
+
+    "WOMAN'S HEART.[5]
+
+    "BY SAIRA NEVERMAIR.
+
+    "We went to the world-loved Ball last night,--
+      Claude and I, in our robes of gold;
+    He in a coat as black as jet,
+      And I in the jewels I wore of old.
+
+    "Diamonds covered my head in pounds,
+      Seventy large ones lit my neck,--
+    Over my skirts they burned in quarts,
+      Counting in all a goodly peck.
+
+    "Hopped the canary 'neath the wires,--
+      Spoke the canary not a word;
+    When to my heart the chill has struck,
+      How can I sing?--can ary bird?
+
+    "We were together, Claude and I,
+      Bonded together as man and wife;
+    Little I thought, as I uttered my vows,
+      What was the real Ideal of life.
+
+    "He is my Husband to love and obey,--
+      Those were the words of the priest, I think,--
+    He is to purchase the clothes I wear,
+      Order my victuals and order my drink!
+
+    "Well, it is well if it must be so:
+      Woman the slave and man the lord;
+    She the scissors to cut the threads
+      After the darning, and he the sword.
+
+    "Was it for this I played my cards,
+      Tuned the piano's tender din,
+    Cherished a delicate health, and ate
+      Pickles and pencils to make me thin?
+
+    "Better it were to be born a serf,
+      Holding a soul by a master's lease;
+    Better than learning Society's law,
+      Gaining a Husband and forfeiting peace.
+
+    "Mortimer sighs as he sees me dance,
+      Percy is sad as he passes by,
+    Herbert turns pallid beneath my glance;
+      All of them married--and so am I.
+
+    "Well, if the world must have it so,
+      Woman can only stand and endure;
+    Ever the grossness of all that is gross
+      Rises the tyrant of all that is pure.
+
+    "Marriage, they say, is a sacred thing;
+      So is the fetter that yields a smart.
+    Give _one_ crumb to the starving wretch,
+      And give _one_ Object to Woman's Heart.
+
+    "Claude, they tell me, should own my love;
+      Well, I have loved him nearly a week;
+    Looking at one man longer than that
+      Grows to be tiresome--so to speak.
+
+    "What if he calls me Angel wife;
+      Angels are not for the One to win;
+    Yet is my passionate love like theirs,--
+      Theirs is a love taking all men in.
+
+    "Hops the canary 'neath the wires,
+      Speaks the canary not a word;
+    When to my heart the chill has struck,
+      How can I sing?--can ary bird?"
+
+      [5] The measure of this striking poem is Owenmeredithyrambic.
+
+Let us mingle our tears, my boy, in a gruel of compassion, as we
+conjointly reflect upon this affecting revelation of Woman's Heart.
+
+On Thursday last, my architectural steed, the gothic Pegasus, conveyed
+me once more, by easy stages, to the outskirts of Paris, where I found
+the aged and respectable Mackerel Brigade cleaning their spectacles and
+writing their epitaphs preparatory to that celebrated advance upon the
+well-known Southern Confederacy which is frequently mentioned in
+ancient history. The Grim Old Fighting Cox, my boy, has rashly
+determined, that the unfavorable weather shall not detain our national
+troops another single year, and there is at last a prospect that our
+grandchildren may read a full and authentic report of the capture of
+Richmond in the reliable morning journals of their time. And here let
+me say to the grandchild Orpheus: "Be sure, my boy, that you do not
+permit your pardonable exultation at the triumph of your country's
+arms, to make you too severe upon the conquered foes of the Republic."
+I put in this little piece of advice to posterity, my boy, because I
+desire to have posterity magnanimous.
+
+I was conversing affably with a few official Mackerels about several
+mutual friends of ours, who had been born, were married, and had
+expired of decrepitude during the celebrated national sieges of
+Vicksburg and Charleston, when a civilian chap named Mr. P. Greene came
+into camp from New York, with the intention of proceeding immediately
+to the ruins of Richmond. He was a chap of much spreading dignity, my
+boy, with a carpet-bag, an umbrella, and a walking-cane.
+
+"Having read," says he, "in all the excellent morning journals, that
+Richmond is being hastily evacuated by the starving Confederacy, I have
+determined to precede the military in that direction. Possibly," says
+he, impressively, "I may be able to find a suitable place in the
+deserted city for the residence of my family during the summer."
+
+Captain Villiam Brown listened attentively, and says he:
+
+"Is your intelligence official, or founded on fact?"
+
+The civilian chap drew himself up with much dignity, and says he:
+
+"I find it in all the morning journals."
+
+Certainly this was conclusive, my boy; and yet our supine military men
+were willing to let this unadorned civilian chap be the first to enter
+the evacuated capital of the stricken Confederacy. Facing toward that
+ill-fated place, he moved off, his carpet-bag in his left hand, his
+umbrella In his right, and his cane under one arm, a perfect
+impersonation of the spirit of American Progress. By slow and dignified
+degrees he grew smaller in the distance, until finally he was out of
+sight.
+
+It was some six hours after this, my boy, that we were conversing as
+before, when there suddenly appeared, coming toward us from the
+direction of the capital of the Confederacy, the figure of a man
+running. Rapidly it drew nearer, when I discovered it to be Mr. P.
+Greene, in a horrible condition of dishevelment, his umbrella, cane,
+and carpet-bag gone, his hair standing on end, his coat-tails
+projective in the breeze, and his lower limbs making the best time on
+record. Onward he came, like the wind, and before we could stop him, he
+had gone by us, dashed frantically through the camp, and was tearing
+along like mad toward Washington.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, philosophically, "he derived his information from
+the daily prints of the United States of America, and has seen the
+elephant. The moral," says Villiam, placidly, "is very obvious,--put
+not your trust in print, sirs."
+
+If it be indeed true, that there is "more pleasure in anticipation than
+in reality," the war-news we find in our excellent morning journals
+should give us more pleasure than one poor pen can express.
+
+Yours, credulously,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XCI.
+
+    CONTAINING THE VENERABLE GAMMON'S REPORT OF THE MANNER IN WHICH THE
+    WAR HAS CONDUCTED ITSELF UP TO THIS TIME; AND THE MOST SURPRISING
+    EPITAPH OF A VICTIM OF STRATEGY.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., April 12th, 1863.
+
+Depressed, my boy, by that low-spirited sense of reverence for
+shirt-collared Old Age, which is a part of my credulous nature, I
+proceed to record that the Venerable Gammon has once more torn himself
+from idolatrous Mugville to beam venerably upon all the capital the
+nation has left; and as I mark how fatly he waves continual benediction
+to the attached populace, I am impressed anew with the conviction of
+the serious mental magnitude of large-sized Old Age. It was on Monday
+that a delegation of anxious civilian chaps grovelled around this aged
+idol of a mournful nation; and as soon as the awe-stricken spokesman of
+the party had crawled within speaking distance of the Venerable Gammon,
+he sniffed deferentially, and says he:
+
+"Sire, we desire to know how soon we may expect an honorable peace to
+end the present war, which it is perpetual bloodshed."
+
+The Venerable Gammon placidly placed his beneficent right hand between
+his patriarchal ruffles, and says he:
+
+"My friends, this war is like a great struggle between two hostile
+armies; it will continue until it has ceased, and it will cease when it
+is no longer continued. Peace," says the Venerable Gammon,--waving
+indulgent permission for the sun to go on shining,--"peace is the end
+of the War, as war is the end of Peace; therefore, if we had no war,
+peace would be without end, and if we had no peace, war would be
+endless."
+
+Then all the fond civilian chaps grovelled ecstatically at the
+time-honored feet of the benignant parent of his country, and
+four-and-twenty reliable morning journals immediately published a
+report that Richmond had been taken--for another year.
+
+But what has particularly endeared the Venerable Gammon to the hearts
+of his distracted fellow-countrymen is, his able report of the manner
+in which the war has conducted itself since the First of April, 1862. I
+cannot exactly understand my boy, how this benignant benefactor of his
+species comes to know anything at all about military matters; nor am I
+prepared to state that he had any call whatever to report upon national
+strategy; but he has issued a startling statement, and I give the whole
+
+    REPORT.
+
+    "On the first of April, 1862, on the day immediately succeeding the
+    31st of May in the same year, a solitary horseman might have been
+    seen approaching the camp of the Mackerel Brigade from Washington.
+    He was a youth in the prime of life, and carried a carpet-bag
+    containing the daily morning journals of that date. Upon reaching
+    the tent of the General of the Mackerel Brigade, he sought an
+    immediate interview with the latter, and at once revealed to him
+    that it was reported in all the morning journals, that the
+    celebrated Southern Confederacy had evacuated Manassas just two
+    weeks previously, thereby rendering an advance upon that stronghold
+    by our national troops a subject demanding immediate attention.
+
+    "Upon discovering that this news was indeed contained in the
+    morning journals, the General of the Mackerel Brigade at once
+    ordered a report of our national victory to be conveyed to the
+    Mackerels who had gained it; and having made several promotions for
+    bravery, and telegraphed to the excellent Democratic Organization
+    in New York that he had rather capture Manassas than be President
+    of the United States in 1865, he ordered an immediate advance upon
+    Manassas. The advance took place without confusion or dismay, and
+    on the following morning Captain Villiam Brown electrified the
+    whole nation with the magical words:
+
+    "'We have met the enemy, and they are hours--ahead of us.'
+
+    "The backbone of the Rebellion being thus broken, the General of
+    the Mackerel Brigade wrote to the Honest Abe at Washington, as
+    follows:
+
+        "'DEAR SIR,--I have at length successfully surprised the
+        stronghold of Manassas, and consider myself strong enough to
+        continue the war, if you can send me a few more troops. If you
+        can spare 60,000 under Sergeant O'Pake, and 50,000 under
+        Colonel Wobert Wobinson, from the defence of Washington, I can
+        wait for the other hundred thousand until I push forward again.
+
+        "'THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.'
+
+    "This was on the fourth of April. Owing to the continual storms,
+    and the difficulty encountered in procuring umbrellas for the
+    troops, the Mackerel Brigade was enabled to advance but
+    thirty-three and a half feet during the ensuing four months, during
+    which time several State elections took place. On the Fourth of
+    July, the Honest Abe addressed the following: note to the General
+    of the Mackerel Brigade:
+
+        "'GENERAL,--By your plan of drawing troops away from Washington,
+        the capital would be left with fewer soldiers than it now
+        possesses; and if the capital is weakened, it follows very
+        clearly, that it will not be strengthened. My plan is directly
+        the reverse of your plan, so that your plan is immediately
+        opposite to my plan. Allow me to ask you the following
+        questions:
+
+          "'I. If your plan is different from my plan, how can my plan be
+        the same as your plan?
+
+         "'II. If my plan does not agree with your plan, wherein does
+        your plan assimilate with my plan?
+
+        "'III. If your plan and my plan are not the same plan, how can
+        my plan and your plan be one plan?
+
+         "'IV. If my plan, by opposing your plan, shows that my plan is
+        not at all like your plan, how can your plan, by differing from
+        my plan, save Washington according to my plan, which is not
+        your plan?
+
+        H. ABE.'
+
+    "Both plans were adopted, and in the course of the succeeding two
+    months the Mackerel Brigade shot a couple of Confederacies. Shortly
+    after this, it was decided that an advance should be made upon the
+    city of Paris by way of Duck Lake, the iron-plated squadron of Rear
+    Admirable Head being detailed from the blockade to take the
+    Mackerels across, as soon as a heavy rain should make the lake too
+    deep for navigation by personal wading. The troops were at the
+    landing at the appointed time, and were about to embark in good
+    order, when it was discovered by the negro servant of one of the
+    officers, that they had forgotten to bring any ammunition with
+    them, and that the iron-plated squadron had not arrived. This
+    unfortunate discovery made it necessary for the Mackerel Brigade to
+    fall back thirty-three and a half feet, and the General thus wrote
+    to the Honest Abe at Washington:
+
+        "'DEAR SIR,--The safety of this Army depends entirely upon its
+        immediate reënforcement by all the troops at Washington, as my
+        plan is entirely different from your plan, and your plan
+        differs somewhat from my plan. The importance of saving
+        Washington by your plan, is as nothing when compared with the
+        opposite tenor of my plan; which might, after all, be the
+        saving of Washington by my plan, though my plan does not agree
+        with your plan. I will stay with this army, and die with it, if
+        need be, by my plan.
+
+        "'THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.'
+
+    "Both plans were put in force, and during the period elapsing
+    between this date and the middle of November, the troops were
+    busily occupied in fortifying themselves--against the inclemency of
+    the weather. Arrangements being made and completed for the decent
+    interment of such troops as should die of old age before the next
+    great movement took place, the General of the Mackerel Brigade had
+    just opened a correspondence with his family on the subject of the
+    Presidency of the United States in 1865, when he received the
+    appended note:
+
+        "'GENERAL,--You will feel immediately relieved upon receiving
+        this, and will report immediately to your wife at Hoboken.
+        Colonel Wobert Wobinson is hereby ordered to take command of
+        the Mackerel Brigade.
+
+        "'ADJUTANT.'
+
+    "Upon the assumption of command by General Wobinson, it was
+    immediately observed that he possessed a great deal of Shape. He
+    crossed Duck Lake on his Shape, and in pursuance of the plan of his
+    predecessor, opened an instant attack upon Paris. Shortly after the
+    attack, the whole Brigade was back across Duck Lake again, and the
+    new General sent his resignation to Washington. It was refused, as
+    unnecessary; and the General then devised a plan for startling the
+    whole country, by organizing the Anatomical Cavalry upon an
+    equestrian basis, and making a raid upon some Confederate oats
+    known to be somewhere in the daily journals. The secret of this
+    movement was confided to but three parties,--the Honest Abe, the
+    Southern Confederacy, and the public; but before the move could
+    take place it was divulged and frustrated. The General then sent in
+    his resignation, which was refused as unnecessary. It was
+    subsequent to this that a third great movement was arranged, when a
+    shower came up suddenly, and it had to be abandoned. It was upon
+    this occasion that the General sent in his resignation, when it was
+    refused as unnecessary. Simultaneously, as it were, the officer
+    popularly known as the Grim Old Fighting Cox, was appointed to the
+    command, and here our exciting tale ends for the present.
+
+    "If the above record of a year of the war presents some
+    discouraging features, it also offers many seeds of hope for the
+    future, inasmuch as it would appear utterly impossible for the
+    future to be less fruitful of national triumphs than the past has
+    been. The greatness of our nation is sufficiently evidenced by the
+    fact that we are spending two millions of dollars per day; and as
+    soon as the present rebellion shall have been crushed, the final
+    defeat of the celebrated Southern Confederacy will become a mere
+    question of time, and we shall be prepared to commit immediate
+    assault upon combined Europe.
+
+    "V. GAMMON."
+
+Alas! my boy, what can we say to such a revelation of national
+strategy? I was thinking over its developments as I wandered listlessly
+amongst the deserted Mackerel fortifications this side of Manassas on
+Thursday,--I was thinking about it, I say, when my attention was
+attracted by a soldier's grave located in the very midst of the
+dismantled earthworks. It bore a rude monument of pine-board, on which
+the companions of the strategic deceased had written the following
+inscription with chalk.
+
+As I read this simple inscription, I could not help thinking how many
+Mackerels, like this poor fifer, had rushed from their homes to the
+war, panting for victory or honorable death, only to be slowly consumed
+by national strategy, and die of inglorious fortification and
+indigestion.
+
+                  MUGGY JIM,
+
+              A MACKEREL FIFER,
+
+    LATE OF THE NEW YORK FIRE DEPARTMENT;
+                 TAKEN SICK
+               OF INDIGESTION,
+               HE COMMENCED TO
+           THROW UP FORTIFICATIONS,
+             AND DIED OF STRATEGY.
+
+                 ..........
+
+                _Hic Jacet._
+                   1..5-4.
+
+           0....4....1....2....8,
+
+           0....4....1....2....0;
+
+           0....2...80....8,
+
+           0....2...45....4.
+
+It needs no Champollion's hieroglyphical skill to read the beautiful
+little verse of the fifer's epitaph, though that verse had to be
+inscribed figuratively, in order to get it all upon the narrow
+monument. In all its praise of that quiet sleep in which there are no
+anticipations to be disappointed, no gluttony to make sick, and no
+Confederacies to guard against,--the verse will be plain to all as
+reading:
+
+    "HERE LIES
+
+    ONE FIFER:
+
+    Nought for one to wait,
+        Nought for one to sigh-for;
+    Nought too weighty ate,
+        Nought to fortify-for."
+
+The Mackerel poet who wrote those lines, my boy, may have been no
+rhetorician; but his theme was an inspiration giving him more than
+ordinary mastery of the figures of speech.
+
+Yours, gravely,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XCII.
+
+    IN WHICH OUR ENTHUSIASTIC CORRESPONDENT SURPASSES ÆSCHYLUS IN THE
+    WAY OF AN INVOCATION; AND DESCRIBES REAR ADMIRAL HEAD'S GREAT NAVAL
+    DEMONSTRATION AGAINST FORT PIANO.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., April 20th, 1863.
+
+Stand aside, my boy, and realize your own civilian insignificance,
+while I invoke all the gods of Old Olympus to aid me with their
+inspiration, in the tale of naval grandeur it is my duty to unfold.
+
+Fired with the soul to hail my country great, and write her honors
+endless to the world, full to the sun I wave the eager pen, invoking
+all the lightning of the gods. Descend on me, Olympian dews, descend!
+that this tired brain, where oft the new-born thought hath died
+unblossomed in the fainting soil, may catch fresh vigor from the
+grateful balm, and teem thrice glorious in a nobler youth. By all the
+fire that glows in Homer's song, to make all ages flame anew with Troy;
+by all the music stirred in Virgil's lay, to make Æneas ever march the
+world; by all the heav'nly fury of the theme, Æschylus-taken, picturing
+gods to men; by all the Art o'er nature raised sublime, and unto
+Xenophon revealed by night, to make Ten Thousand nobler in Retreat than
+thrice ten thousand by a Cæsar led; by All that unto All hath been
+their All, I charge thee, oh, thou impulse of the gods! grand as the
+storm and chainless as the wind, descend on me! as lightning from the
+cloud descends to beacon what the storm makes dark. That I may write,
+in words of thunder born, such deeds as strengthen while they shake the
+world; that I may write, in lines to trumpets tuned, such acts as make
+men brothers to the gods; that I may write, in notes to mock the lute,
+such feats of cunning as lull Fate to sleep; that I may dip th'
+immortalizing pen in bright Pactolus' ever golden stream, and write, in
+language sweeter to the ear than Hymet's honey to soft Dion's lips,
+glories of arms to first make Nature crouch--then leap to something
+higher than herself!
+
+(If any man objects to that sort of thing, my boy, may he be whipped to
+death by the aged maidens of the Confederacy, and utterly perish _per
+flagellationem extremam_.)
+
+And now I feel the Homeric inspiration in all my veins as I dip the
+impatient quill into the Black Republican ink, and hasten to record the
+deathless honors recently reaped by the Mackerel Iron-plated Squadron
+in a deathless attack upon Fort Piano.
+
+You may remember, my boy, that the construction of a pier on Duck Lake
+by some shameless Confederacies, and the erection on the end thereof of
+Fort Piano, was first made known to our noble old sea-dog, Rear Admiral
+Head, whilst he sat on the quarter deck of his original iron-plated
+squadron fishing for bass, by the accidental knocking of the squadron
+against the end of the pier. His back being turned at the time, he had
+not noticed the building of the terrible fortification; and when the
+horrible jar of the collision caused him to look that way, he found six
+villanous horse-pistols so planted by the disrespectful Confederacies
+as to exactly command his fish-basket and box of bait. You may also
+remember my boy, how our glorious old Neptune subsequently caused the
+stanch "Secretary Welles" to run the blockade of the fort, to
+thoroughly test the invulnerability of the iron-clad principle; and how
+the result of that test satisfactorily proved the iron-clad principle
+to be entirely testaceous.
+
+Since then, you have heard about the building of the new Mackerel
+iron-plated squadron, the "Shockingbadhat," with Rear Admiral Head's
+newly improved turret and reversed swivel-gun; but you have not yet
+heard, my boy, anything at all about the unique manufacture of six
+additional iron-plated squadrons, to participate with the
+"Shockingbadhat" in the recent severe attack on Fort Piano. You have
+not heard of these six new monsters before, my boy, and respect for the
+really decent families of the inventors forbids that I should tell you
+anything descriptive about them now, save their names.
+
+It was intended that the name of the first should be something full of
+significance to perfidious England, and, at the same time, something
+never used in England. Hence, she was christened the "Aitch."
+
+The second was to bear a name signifying the power of bending without
+breaking; and so she was called after that elastic tree, the "Yew."
+
+In the name of the third, the Government wished to pay a complimentary
+tribute to Rear Admiral Head; and, in honor of his daughter, Emma, the
+squadron was named the "Em."
+
+The fourth iron-plated invulnerable Mackerel monster it was deemed
+proper to decorate with a name expressive of industry coupled with a
+power to sting; and so she was called the "Bee."
+
+There was some discussion about the proper title for the fifth patent
+iron-clad, each member of the generous Mackerel Naval Committee saying
+to the other: "Why can't she be named after you?" So, it was at length
+decided, to happily compromise the matter by calling her the "You."
+
+By common consent the sixth invincible iron monster was adjudged to be
+known by the first of General George B. McClellan's initials, and was
+entitled the "Gee."
+
+Add these new national champions of the deep, my boy, to the
+"Shockingbadhat," and you will have some idea of the glorious naval
+pageant prepared to administer wholesome correction to the irreverent
+Confederacies of Fort Piano, and teach the world that worn-out
+cooking-stoves can be sold to the sagacious Government of the United
+States of America for something better than old iron.
+
+The "Shockingbadhat" was the flag-ship; and, on the morning of the
+attack, the hoary Rear Admiral Head repaired to the top of her turret
+with his umbrella, fishing-rod, and pocket-microscope, taking with him
+the Mackerel crew to work the improved swivel-gun, which was also up
+there; and giving orders to another unconquerable Mackerel to locate
+himself amidships with a quart measure, for the purpose of measuring
+the number of bushels of shots striking the turret during the first two
+seconds of the approaching sea-fight.
+
+Ranged along the right shore of Duck Lake, my boy, to witness the
+battle and lend lustre to the landscape, was a land-force of virtuous
+Mackerels, under command of the venerable grandmother of Rear Admiral
+Head; and she was the one whose appearance gave rise to that rumor
+amongst the Confederacies in the Fort, that Secretary Welles was
+reviewing the troops in person.
+
+On the opposite shore of the Lake was a delegation of European chaps,
+come to behold the engagement; including Fatti O'Murphy, candidate for
+the vacant throne of Greece; the Hon. Mr. New Troloppe, of England; and
+le Marquis Non Puebla, French Minister to Mexico.
+
+At the head of the Lake, my boy, I stood myself, with my bit of smoked
+glass in my hand; and around me were the reporters of all the reliable
+and excellent morning journals, spitting on their hands, preparatory to
+writing their exciting descriptions of personal danger.
+
+Precisely at noon the Mackerels of the land force raised their
+umbrellas, the Mackerel crews got aboard their respective squadrons,
+and exercises were commenced by the singing of--
+
+    "My country, 'tis of thee."
+
+As the last strain died away, we could hear that grim old sea-dog, Rear
+Admiral Head, swearing in his iron-plated manner, and then the whole
+naval pageant swept magnificently to the front of Fort Piano; the
+"Shockingbadhat" leading, closely followed by the "Aitch," the "Yew,"
+the "Em," the "Bee," the "You," and the "Gee." It was a glorious sight,
+my boy,--a glorious sight, and moved me like the First of May.
+
+For the purpose of testing the range and drawing the fire of the
+unseemly Confederacies' Artillery, Rear Admiral Head carefully let down
+his old white hat into the waves, and suffered it to drift slowly past
+the north-east face of Fort Piano. We held our breath as we saw the
+artful decoy whirl for a moment in an eddy caused by a land-crab, and
+then drift against the pier, where it stuck. Immediately a hand was
+seen reaching down after it, the hat was drawn up, and a prodigious
+horse-laugh arose from the uncomely Confederacies in the Fort. They
+supposed the hat to be Mr. Greely's.
+
+"Sink my Keokuk!" roared Rear Admiral Head, in his iron-plated
+manner,--"I really believe the treasonable insects have been and stolen
+my beaver,--obstruct my Ironsides, if I don't!"
+
+Scarcely had the words passed his lips, my boy, when a Confederacy _en
+barbette_ discharged a double-barrelled fowling-piece at the "Aitch"
+knocking off two of her front covers, breaking several bars of her
+grates, and piercing her oven in numerous places. Instantly the cry
+arose of "One of the cooking-stoves is sinking!" which so bewildered
+Rear-Admiral Head that he discharged his swivel-gun one point too far
+to the windward, and immediately found his flagship entangled on
+several strings with which the Confederacies had obstructed the
+passage.
+
+"Disable my Patapsco!" exclaimed the indomitable old Neptune, in his
+iron-plated manner, "the insects have tied us fast,--bend my turrets if
+they haven't."
+
+At this time, my boy, the concentrated fire of the Fort was terrific,
+six horse-pistols being in full play at once, and the Mackerel with the
+quart measure amidships reporting that the turret of the
+"Shockingbadhat" had been hit three quarts of times in thirty seconds.
+
+Such being the case, and the European delegation having gone home with
+a view to shaking off their inclination to fall asleep, the stern old
+commander ordered a wet blanket to be thrown over his swivel-gun, and
+such of the iron-plated squadron as had not sunk were immediately run
+ashore. The affair had been merely a reconnoissance.
+
+Shortly after the conclusion of this terrible artillery duel, and a few
+minutes subsequent to a touching exchange of congratulations between
+the unconquerable Rear-Admiral and his venerable grandmother, there
+hastily arrived from Paris an obese middle-aged chap, in black cotton
+gloves and a scratch wig, and says he to the Admiral:
+
+"Allow me to bless you, Sir,--My name is Hunter, Sir,--for your
+excellent iron-clad conduct. We should all be grateful, sir, that you
+have passed safely through 'a concentric fire that has never heretofore
+had a parallel in the history of warfare.'"
+
+Never heretofore had a parallel! What could he have meant, my boy? How
+could a _concentric_ fire have a _parallel_ at any time?
+
+Yours, questioningly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XCIII.
+
+    TEEMING WITH CONSUMMATE STRATEGY, AND RELATING AN EXTRAORDINARY
+    GEOMETRICAL EFFORT OF MILITARY GENIUS.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., May 10th, 1863.
+
+As it was feared on Sunday last, my boy, that the venerable Mackerel
+Brigade was about to commit a breach of the peace by strategically
+assaulting the Confederacies established in the mud between the
+Mackerel camp and the ancient City of Paris, I mounted my architectural
+steed, the Gothic Pegasus, at an early hour in the morning, and
+perceptibly moved toward the scene of approaching tautology. The
+emaciated aspect of my architectural steed of the desert was so
+inviting to the fowls of the air, my boy, that divers disreputable
+crows circled suddenly around my hat, as my animal progressed with me
+by miscellaneously scattering his legs around beneath himself, and at
+each particular "caw" of the winged ministers of famine, a perceptible
+shudder passed through the entire framework of the deeply agitated
+Pegasus. Abstractedly waving my umbrella, to inspire the sable birds
+for loftier flights, I pondered deeply upon the lesson taught me by the
+evident emotions of my aged architectural servant; to ride upon whose
+fluted back may be likened to sitting astride the peaked roof of a
+small country chapel in the midst of a hard earthquake, and holding on
+by the steeple. If this Gothic creation, which is but a horse, thought
+I, is so agonized by the mere breakfast notes of a few demoralized
+crows in the atmosphere, how much more terrible must be the anguish of
+the fellow-beings known as Southern Confederacies, who must ever have a
+dreadful presentiment of being summarily expunged from the human race
+by any one of our brass-buttoned generals, who happens to board in
+their neighborhood for a few years. If I pity this architectural
+servant of mine, thought I, for his anguish at the proximity of crows
+in the abstract, how much more tender should be my feeling for Southern
+fellow-beings, who are continually endangered by the much louder crows
+emanating from adjacent hostile Major-General roosters. As I pondered
+thus, my boy, a crow of much plumage and large-sized mien, suddenly
+alighted upon the pommel of my saddle, as though impatient to breakfast
+upon some pounds of horseflesh. For an instant Pegasus trembled
+throughout his works; he paused suddenly in his peregrination, laid
+back his ears as though in deep thought, twisted his head suddenly
+about, and bit off the tail of the crow in the abstract!
+
+Simple as was the act, it at once relieved me, in my own mind, of all
+obligations to have a more tender feeling for my Southern fellow-beings
+than is consistent with a proper emotion of hatred against the enemies
+of my country. After all, we can learn much more from brutes than from
+men; and as Balaam's ass saw the angel before his master did, so the
+Angel of Victory is likely to be distinctly obvious to any poor ass in
+the country, before he becomes visible to the sight of our strategic
+great men.
+
+(I turn a pretty sharp corner in that last sentence, my boy; but that
+is only safe strategy when you find your argument getting ahead of
+you.)
+
+It was high noon when I reached the Mackerel camp, and I found the
+spectacled veterans hastily preparing to cross Duck Lake after the
+manner of aquatic warriors. By some strange fatality, all the pontoons
+were at hand in time, greatly to the distress of our more venerable
+troops, who seemed to fear that such unheard-of punctuality must be an
+evil omen. As there were a great many pontoons, and it was not deemed
+best to waste any of them, two bridges were built instead of one,--it
+being considered that, inasmuch as it was purposed to surprise the
+unseemly Confederacies on the other side, two bridges would be just
+twice as surprising to them as one would be. There was logic in this
+idea, my boy--much logic and consummate strategy.
+
+Gazing across the expanse of waters, I beheld a couple of regiments of
+Confederacies playing poker on the bank, and says I to Villiam Brown,
+who was at that moment returning a small black bottle to his holster:
+
+"Tell me, my fearless blue-back, how this can possibly be a surprise,
+when yonder gray-backs are looking on all the time?"
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, with much loftiness of demeanor; "you are but an
+ignorant civilian inseck, and know nothing about war. The movement,"
+says Villiam, placidly, "is intended as a surprise to the enemy, upon
+the principle that any movement whatever of this Army must surprise
+everybody."
+
+I was reflecting seriously upon this unanswerable explanation of
+profound strategy, my boy, when Captain Bob Shorty came rattling up
+with a paper in his hand, and says he: "Attention, Company! while I
+read a document calculated to restrain the licentiousness of a corrupt
+and vicious press:
+
+    "GENERAL ORDER.
+
+    "For the purpose of preventing the transmission of all news not
+    previously published in the morning journals of the so-called
+    Southern Confederacy, it has been determined by the General
+    Commanding to require all correspondents of the press to affix
+    their full names, ages, and addresses to whatever matter they
+    transmit for publication, thus giving to the journals of our time
+    the double character of newspaper and business-directory. Reporters
+    having vulgar names, like Jones, Smith, or Stiggins, will be at
+    liberty to assume the names borne by the most popular characters in
+    the exciting tales furnished by our weekly journals of
+    romance,--such as Lord Mortimer, Claude de Percy, Lester
+    Heartsease.
+
+    "Correspondents who do not comply with this requirement will not be
+    permitted to assist in surprising the so-called Southern
+    Confederacy.
+
+    "THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE."
+
+    (Blue Seal.)
+
+After we had all duly digested this useful and sagacious General Order,
+my boy, Captain Samyule Sa-mith was ordered to make a detour of Duck
+Lake with the Anatomical Cavalry, and dig a canal in the rear of the
+well-known Confederacy; and the Mackerel Brigade, under the personal
+supervision of the Grim Old Fighting Cox, commenced to cross the
+pontoon-bridges in two divisions. The bridge that I was upon, my boy,
+was at once attacked at the other end by a surprised Confederacy with a
+large pair of scissors, who malignantly cut that end loose. There was
+an aged civilian chap, from Albany, of much stomach and a broad-brimmed
+hat, standing near me; and when he found the bridge beginning to move,
+he smote his breast, and says he:
+
+"Where are we drifting to?"
+
+"Be not alarmed, Mr. Weed," says I, pleasantly; "we shall soon repair
+the damage."
+
+"Hem!" says he, "I wish I'd gone over on the other platform at first."
+
+He was quite an old man, my boy, slowly sinking into the rising waves
+of his own fat; and for that reason appeared to have a chronic fear of
+some unexpected submersion.
+
+The Mackerel Brigade, in two parts, having reached the opposite shore
+of Duck Lake in safety, the Grim Old Fighting Cox ordered Captain
+Villiam Brown and Captain Bob Shorty to take each a regiment of
+spectacled veterans and cautiously feel the Confederacies' lines, while
+he led the remainder of the national troops to a small village at hand,
+which had particularly requested to be immediately destroyed. It was
+his great strategical plan, my boy, to form his lines in the shape of a
+triangle, thus inclosing the unmannerly Confederacies between three
+fires, and winning a great geometrical victory. The Confederacies being
+duly surrounded, and the village being set on fire at the apex of the
+triangle, the Grim Old Fighting Cox withdrew to a tent, spread a map of
+the world upon a camp-stool before him, and proceeded to take
+topographical observations. Drawing from his saddle-bags an instrument
+of opaque glass, of tubular character, quite large in circumference
+about half-way up, and then tapering into a neck, or smaller tube, of
+nearly the same length, he raised it in a semi-horizontal position to a
+point about one and a half inches above the lower circumference of his
+chin, until he could look through it at an angle bisecting its greater
+circumference upon the map below. The light, striking through the body
+of this instrument, cast a wavy, fluctuating sort of yellowish glare
+upon that part of the map representing the well-known Southern
+Confederacy, accompanied by a species of soft, trickling sound. After
+an interval of some ten minutes, the operator saw, by this contrivance,
+just double the number of Confederacies he had to contend with. It only
+remained, then, for him to divide the number thus ascertained by two,
+and he knew exactly the number of his foes!
+
+You will observe, my boy, that this singularly ingenious device at once
+revealed to the new General of the Mackerel Brigade the true strength
+of his greatest enemy, and inspired him with a strong spirit.
+
+It was immediately after this, that the Grim Old Fighting Cox issued
+the following
+
+    "GENERAL ORDER.
+
+    "The manner in which the crossing of Duck Lake has been
+    accomplished proves that this is the finest Army ever seen on the
+    plan-it, and is likely to prove equally fine on the do-it. I have
+    now got the well-known Southern Confederacy where I wished to have
+    her, and she must either ignominiously retreat, or come out of her
+    works, and be annihilated by me on my own ground, which is
+    ground-arms!
+
+    "(Blue Seal.)
+
+    "THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE."
+
+Having let fly this General Order, my boy, the Grim Old Fighting Cox
+proceeded to complete his surprise of the enemy by leading a bayonet
+charge from his side of the triangle, and immediately telegraphed to
+the base of the triangle that the enemies of human freedom were
+retreating before him. This was truly the case; for the unseemly
+Confederacies not only retreated before him, but retreated with such
+impetus of flight upon Captain Villiam Brown at the base of the
+triangle, that they actually drove him clear out of his place, and
+proceeded to occupy the base themselves. Thus matters stood at the
+conclusion of the first day.
+
+Early on the second day, the Grim Old Fighting Cox charged again upon
+some fresh regiments of Confederacies, who retreated with such violence
+that they completely pressed Captain Bob Shorty from the right line of
+the triangle, and remained in that line themselves. This was the
+second day's battle.
+
+On the following morning, it was discovered that fresh Confederacies
+had come up from Paris. These were attacked irresistibly by the whole
+Mackerel Brigade, and only succeeded in making a stand when they
+formed, as it were, the left line of the triangle.
+
+You will perceive, my boy, that a great piece of geometrical strategy
+had been thus achieved; but it now turned out that the General of the
+Mackerel Brigade had made a mistake, and a most serious one. While
+taking his observations with his ingenious glass instrument, he had
+seen just double the number of triangles (2) that might be formed by
+certain great strategical evolutions, as he had seen just double the
+number of the Confederacies; but, in his haste, he had neglected to
+divide the ascertained number of triangles by two, as he should have
+done; and now he discovered that only one triangle was formed, and that
+by the unseemly and chuckling Confederacies. Such a nice thing is
+strategy, and so easily is it deranged!
+
+Owing to this error, of course nothing more could be done, and on
+Tuesday evening the Mackerel Brigade returned, full of enthusiasm, to
+their original side of Duck Lake. The affair had been merely a
+reconnoissance.
+
+Last evening, at dusk, I was talking to the Mackerel Chaplain about
+this singular strategical affair, and says he:
+
+"God help us! The skeleton regiments we have left standing are scarcely
+more than the skeleton regiments we have left sleeping; and only the
+sleeping ones can look upward."
+
+Let gentle charity, my boy, silence our tongues to the dread mistake
+that is past; for he who made it lost by it the glorious immortality
+his meanest soldier slain has won.
+
+Yours, gently,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XCIV.
+
+    AFFORDING AN INSTANCE OF IMPERCEPTIBLE PATRIOTISM; PRESENTING THE
+    PROFOUND COMMENTARY OF AN EMINENT FOREIGN MILITARY CRITIC; AND
+    REPORTING THE LAST EFFUSION OF THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., May 17th, 1863.
+
+When great interests are at stake, my boy, and strong passions are
+excited, and when it becomes necessary that a whole nation shall be
+unanimous for its own preservation from destruction, we occasionally
+meet with chaps of severe countenance and much shirt-ruffles, whose
+patriotism is purely that of descent, and not at all of assent. Since
+this great strategic war commenced, I have encountered divers
+iron-faced and brass-mounted conservative fellow-beings, whose
+sentiments in action have seemed to establish as an inevitable
+postulate in logic, that a man sired by a hero of '76, must naturally
+be damn'd by the heroes of '63; and that a man with Revolutionary blood
+in his veins is entirely exempted from all legitimacy to a propensity
+for spilling the least drop of that sacred liquid in behalf of a cause
+not Revolutionary. It was on Tuesday, my boy, that I met the Honorable
+Fernando Fuel, the member-elect from the Sixth Ward, who had come
+hither for the express purpose of getting up for himself an entirely
+new coat of arms, according to New York Heraldry, and of procuring from
+some scholar a recondite couplet that should at once serve, in motto
+form, to denote his Revolutionary descent, and express his high moral
+patriotism as apart from any partisan desire to see injuries inflicted
+upon the Wayward Sisters of his distracted country. He came to me, and
+says he:
+
+"Learning, sir, that you are qualified to cull from your extensive
+poetical readings some unique couplet appropriate for my approaching
+coat-of-arms, I desire you to furnish me with the same, and present
+your bill to our Excellent Democratic Organization, of which I am Chief
+Indian near--In short, a Sachem local. My patriotism," says he, shading
+a slight cough with a black cotton-glove,--"My patriotism is doubted by
+none but those imbecile despots who defeated our Excellent Democratic
+Organization in the last Presidential election, and are now waging a
+bloody and unnatural war for the sake of the Demon of Africa. But my
+patriotism hurls back the epithet of 'traitor,' and is clearly
+established by the fact that I had an ancestor in the Revolution. It is
+my wish," says this plausibly-spoken chap, nodding to a Faro-banker as
+he happened to pass at that moment,--"it is my wish that the couplet
+should express, neatly and figuratively as it were, the exact degree of
+my present patriotism, and its derivation from my Revolutionary
+ancestor. Let it represent me clothed in patriotism, as it were."
+
+I thought upon his words for a while, my boy, and then says I:
+
+"For such unspeakable patriotism as yours, good Fuel, there can be no
+finer couplet than this:
+
+    "'_A painted vest Prince Vortiger had on,_
+    _That from a naked Pict his grandsire won._'"
+
+The Honorable Fuel turned very crimson in the face with intense
+gratification, and says he: "Ha! ha!--ahem! Yes, that's not bad. Ha!
+ha! very good--you infernal Black Republican you!"
+
+He left me, as a cloud might leave the sun with which it had vainly
+attempted to cut up shines, and I felt for a moment, like one lost in
+the Wood. With the best intentions in the world, I had only succeeded
+in adding Fuel to the flames of treason.
+
+It pleases me to say that Herr Suvchork, one of those eminent foreign
+strategists of war who have visited our distracted country for the
+truly benignant purpose of teaching us how we may win battles only
+recently lost, has honored me with a great metaphysical criticism upon
+the recent reconnoissance and triangular proceeding of the New General
+of the Mackerel Brigade against the well-known Southern Confederacies
+on the other side of Duck Lake. We may all learn a valuable lesson, my
+boy, from this able _critique_, which reads thus:
+
+    "SOMEDINGS ABOUT ODDERDINGS.
+
+    "I have notice in der bapers that der Genral Fighting Cok cross
+    Dook Lake in two parts, the odder day, when he assaulted the Rebel
+    Army von Lee, which was strongly post in entrenchment built
+    especial for dees purpose. Das was vare wrong, and oppose to all
+    the princeeples von der Great Napoleon. Das vas der great troubles
+    with Fritz Magnus von Prussia, at Kunersdorf, where he had dirty
+    dousand pick troops, and lost seventeen dousand, in sooch way.
+    Genral Fighting Cok was adopting der princeeple of der Duke von
+    Cumberland at Fontenoy, when he should adopt sooch plan as that of
+    Marechal Saxe, und keep his troops all togedder, und not cross Dook
+    Lake in two parts. To attack sooch Rebel Army in entrenchment built
+    especial for dees purpose, it was necessaire as he should do
+    everydings togedder; keep his troops altogedder, und fight them
+    altogedder.
+
+    "I have not known Genral Fighting Cok in Germany, and I knows not
+    as he is as good Genral as Sigel; so I cannot say as he is sooch
+    goot Genral as Sigel und me. But _merk auf_!--_merk auf_--he has
+    not so large militaire mind as
+
+    A. P. SUVCHORK."
+
+While you will join with me, my boy, in acknowledging the soundness of
+this criticism from our able German critic, I am sure that we must both
+perceive something like cruelty to animals in the very common practice
+of giving the exact directions for gaining a victory so soon after the
+battle has terminated in defeat. It is like telling a patient who has
+just taken a dose of salts, how he might have cured himself by a course
+of _patés de foie gras_.
+
+And now let me direct your most intense attention to the Mackerel Camp
+on this side of Duck Lake, where the spectacled veterans are all
+repairing their umbrellas for another reconnoissance toward the first
+point of the compass that seems most vulnerable. They are all full of
+enthusiasm, my boy, over the loss of some of their comrades and arms in
+the recent triangular geometrical proceedings against the unseemly
+Confederacy, and unanimously demand to be led against the enemies of
+human freedom that presume to show the freedom of human enemies.
+
+You may remember that, just previous to the recent crossing of Duck
+Lake, Captain Samyule Sa-mith was despatched with the Anatomical
+Cavalry to dig a canal in the immediate rear of the Southern
+Confederacy, in order that the legions of the enemies of human freedom
+about to be captured by surprise, might be at once set to hard labor on
+the tow-path. It was not more than four days after all the fighting was
+over that Samyule came back with his equestrian warriors, and says the
+General to him:
+
+"Well, boy, is the canal finished?"
+
+Samyule scratched his head, and says he: "Not quite, sire; but we have
+torn up a Confederate railroad."
+
+It was this circumstance, my boy, that gave rise to the recent reports
+of the capture of Richmond, as considerable of the Rebel capital is
+known to be invested in railroad iron.
+
+Shortly after Samyule's return, the Grim Old Fighting Cox took off his
+coat, rolled up his sleeves, ordered a couple of spies to be executed,
+and discharged the following
+
+    "CONGRATULATORY ORDER.
+
+    "HEAD QUARTERS MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+    "The General commanding tenders to the aged Mackerels his
+    congratulations on their achievements of the last seven days, which
+    were week.
+
+    "If they have not accomplished all that was expected, the reason
+    is, that more was expected than has been accomplished.
+
+    "It is sufficient to say that they were of a character not to be
+    foreseen without foresight, nor prevented without human sagacity
+    and attainable resources.
+
+    "In withdrawing from the other side of Duck Lake without delivering
+    a general battle to our adversaries, the Mackerels have proved
+    their renewed diffidence in themselves, and their fidelity to a
+    high standard of retiring modesty.
+
+    "In fighting at a disadvantage, instead of at the enemy, we would
+    have been recreant to our trust in our pontoons.
+
+    "Profoundly loyal, and conscious of its strength, the Mackerel
+    Brigade will give or decline battle whenever it considers the
+    weather sufficiently pleasant and the newspapers sufficiently
+    snubbed.
+
+    "It will also be the dictator of its own history and the vindicator
+    of its own legs.
+
+    "By our celerity and secrecy of movement, both in crossing and
+    re-crossing Duck Lake, we neither pursued, nor were pursued by, a
+    Rebel.
+
+    "The events of the last week may swell with pride the feet of every
+    officer and soldier in this Brigade.
+
+    "We have made long marches and countermarches, crossed and
+    re-crossed lakes, surprised the enemy by our advance, brought back
+    seven pieces of our artillery, and given heavier blows than the
+    wind.
+
+    "We have nothing to regret, save the loss of our brave companions,
+    and in this we may be consoled by the conviction that they fell in
+    the holiest cause ever left so exclusively to the care of
+    Providence, that very little human intelligence was deemed
+    necessary to direct its arbitrament in battle.
+
+    "(Blue Seal.)
+
+    "THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE."
+
+As we consider the vast world of animated nature, my boy, and mark what
+apparent simplicity there is in the structure of beast, bird, and
+reptile, does it not seem exceedingly strange, that all of man's
+vaunted ingenuity has thus far succeeded in making imitative
+approximation only to the insect kingdom,--the apparently least
+difficult of all,--and to _that_ only by such a spurious kind of a bug
+as Humbug?
+
+Yours, wonderingly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XCV.
+
+    NOTING THE CONTINUED ANGUISH OF THE CONSERVATIVE KENTUCKY CHAP, AND
+    THE DEATH OF NEMO; AND DESCRIBING AN IMMENSE POPULAR DEMONSTRATION
+    AGAINST THE OUTRAGES OF FEDERAL OPPRESSION.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., May 24th, 1863.
+
+The beautiful Spring, my boy, is out in the sunshine once more,--bowing
+her pretty face over her lap, as though to breathe the odor of the
+fresh violets lying scattered upon her coquettish green apron, but
+really to hide the blush mantling the cheeks on which the hot breath of
+enamored young Summer is tempting the roses to premature birth. What a
+fine old world this is, after all, if we have plenty of money in our
+pockets, plenty of health in our systems, and no poor relations! As you
+stand on the Arlington side of the Potomac, on any one of these fair
+May days, and look around you in any direction, there is a beauty even
+about the tracks of war which enables you to comprehend why so many of
+our brass-buttoned generals are fond of staying in one spot so long.
+Behind you rise Arlington Heights, which are disliked by our excellent
+National Democratic Organization, only because they wear a covering of
+Lincoln green in summer; before you, and across the Potomac is the
+Capitol of our distracted country, looking like an ambitious
+marble-yard on its way out of town; and close beside you is one of our
+national troops extracting certain wonders of the insect kingdom from a
+Government biscuit. On Tuesday, I was standing with the Conservative
+Kentucky chap near Long Bridge, surveying this scene, and says I,--
+
+"Behold, my Nestor, how the scars left upon Nature's face by the
+chariot wheels of War are turning into dimples, and all the twinkling
+curves of a placid smile."
+
+"Yes," says he, hastily picking up the Jack of Diamonds which he had
+accidentally drawn from his pocket with his handkerchief,--"the scene
+is somewhat pleasant; but not equal to Kentucky, where there is more
+rye."
+
+Here the Kentucky chap became so deeply affected that he was compelled
+to smell a cork which he took from his vest pocket, and says he,--
+
+"Kentucky raised a great deal of rye before the breaking out of this
+here fatal war with the Southern Confederacy, with whom Kentucky is
+connected by marriage; she raised it by the bottle; in which form it
+becomes, as it were, the crowning glory of agriculture. Ah!" says the
+Conservative Kentucky chap, stirring an invisible beverage with an
+imaginary spoon, "how softly on my senses steals Kentucky's national
+anthem,--
+
+    "'If a body meet a body,
+    Comin' through the rye.'
+
+"And the Old Rye of Kentucky is famous for its body." The Kentucky chap
+hiccupped at the bare recollection of the thing, and says he: "But we
+can no longer say that the bloom is on the rye; for this unnatural war
+has killed the agriculture of Kentucky and broken many of her bottles.
+O Kentucky! Kentucky! how thirsty I am!"
+
+After this speech, I could no longer profane the glory of God's
+beautiful picture by talking about it to a chap who could see nothing
+in a landscape but rye fields. And yet it is but natural for any
+Conservative chap to talk thus, after all; for I have found it to be a
+peculiarity of nearly all our fellow-beings, that Old Rye is forever
+running in their heads.
+
+On Wednesday, while I was on my usual weekly visit to the Mackerel camp
+near Duck Lake, I was called to look upon the body of a poor soldier
+who had been shot during the night by a prowling Confederacy. He was a
+very young chap, my boy, with light, wavy hair, and might have been
+taken for a mere lad, had there not been more years in the deep lines
+on his brow than on his beardless chin. There he lay upon his gun, with
+one hand clenched in the sand, and the other upon the damp red spot on
+his breast. He looked like a child who had fallen asleep after unkind
+words from his mother. The Chaplain and a private Mackerel in rags were
+bending over him, and says I,--
+
+"Who was he?"
+
+"He went by the name of Nemo," says the Chaplain, sadly; "but no one
+knows what his real name was. He enlisted only two days ago, and kept
+himself apart from the other men. I think he _was_ a gentleman."
+
+Here the private Mackerel in rags broke in, and says he: "Yes, he _was_
+a gentleman. I an't no gentleman, but I know _he_ was, and I can lick
+any man that says he wasn't! I spoke to him last night when he was
+relieving guard, and asked him what fire-company he belonged to; and he
+said, none. I see he looked sick, and wasn't fit to do duty, and I
+offered to go out on picket in his place. It wasn't much to offer; but
+he squeezed my hand very hard, and said that my life was worth more
+than his; and that he would go. I asked him what he wanted to come to
+the war and get killed for; and he said he'd tried to do his best in
+the world, but everybody was against him, and he'd been disgraced for
+trying to do an honorable thing, and couldn't stay and face people any
+more, because all turned away from him. I told him I would lick the man
+who hurt his feelings, and he only said: 'They all do that,' and went
+away." Here the poor Mackerel in rags shed tears, and says he: "I know
+he WAS a gentleman."
+
+"I see how it is," says the Chaplain, shaking his head; "he was one of
+those unfortunates whose sensitive natures are a legacy of unhappiness,
+or madness, to be cancelled only by death. And yet his kindness of
+heart with this rude soldier proved how much goodness there was in him
+that the world had not turned to bitterness."
+
+Alas! my boy, what a pity it is that these finer natures are forever
+coming under the heels of everybody, and getting themselves crushed!
+They are like fine Sèvres vases among stout earthen pipkins, equally
+ready to split with the cold, or be pulverized by a tilt from their
+next door neighbors. It is a misfortune for such fragile natures as
+these to be in this common-place world at all, my boy, and they cannot
+do the more useful portion of humanity a greater service than by
+getting themselves out of it as soon as possible. I have known human
+porcelain vases of this kind so fragile, that they were half-cracked
+before anything touched them.
+
+On Thursday, my boy, the report that a friend of the well-known
+Southern Confederacy had been arrested and court-martialled, in Ohio,
+for simply advising the intelligent masses to set fire to a few Union
+hospitals and go hunting after American eagles by the light
+thereof,--this report, I say, excited amongst the loyal but seditious
+patriots of storied Accomac an indignation that was anything but
+speechless. Shades of our Revolutionary sires! was it possible that a
+citizen of the Republic could no longer speak pieces without being
+arrested for speaking peace! Ashes of the great! could it be, indeed,
+true that, even where there were no police, a man's personal liberty
+was no longer safe! The people of Accomac, my boy, were alarmed for
+their own liberties, and at once held a public meeting, at which I
+happened to be present.
+
+As all the citizens who were worth $300 each sent notes to say that
+they had imperative engagements to prepare for the approaching
+Conscription, and could not come, the meeting was composed entirely of
+the other citizens, many of whom engaged in single combat on their way
+thither, for the purpose of making the distance seem shorter.
+Punctually at seven o'clock, P.M., a gentleman of much muscle touched
+off a small field-piece with such admirable precision as to break all
+the windows for two blocks around, and then dexterously discharged a
+two-pound sky-rocket into the third-story bedroom of a venerable maiden
+lady living across the road. The demonstration was received with joyous
+acclamations by the populace, nearly twelve of whom had already
+arrived; and a victim of Federal oppression, with a very large stomach,
+mounted the platform erected for the speakers, and said that he would
+commence proceedings on this occasion, by reading a short portion of
+Washington's Farewell Address from the volume of Bancroft which he held
+in his hand. (Great applause.) The honorable gentleman then proceeded
+to read something; but was interrupted by a reporter, who remarked that
+the speaker must be mistaken about that being Washington's Address, as
+he had certainly read it in the Bible. The honorable gentleman then
+turned his book over so that he could read the title, and said that he
+had, indeed, made a slight mistake about the volume. He would defer
+reading the Address for the present, and begged leave to introduce Mr.
+John Smith, the Hon. Ferdinand De Percy having failed to be present.
+
+Mr. Smith said that it was the proudest moment of his life, and he felt
+it an honor to be there. They had met together to denounce and spit
+upon an astounding Administration, under whose tyrannical sway no man
+was allowed to say one word against it. A fellow-citizen had been
+arrested in Ohio upon the miserable charge of advocating peace, when he
+was really disturbing the peace all he could. How long were such
+outrages to be endured? He advised his hearers to strictly honor the
+laws; but he would also have them go home, organize into regiments,
+purchase artillery, procure iron-clads, and destroy every man who dared
+to speak in favor of an Administration under which the boldest man
+dared not express his sentiments. He would have them do all this
+peaceably; but he would have them do it. (Great enthusiasm, and cries
+of "Keep off my corns, durn ye!")
+
+As Chesterfield Mortimer, the celebrated Accomac patriot, was not able
+to be present on this occasion, Mr. Jones was introduced, and made a
+few sensible remarks. He said that he had always been a law-abiding
+man, and would always advocate the strictest observance of the laws.
+The peaceful people, he trusted, would all procure reliable muskets
+and....
+
+At this moment, my boy, the speaker suddenly stopped short; stared at a
+white object which had just appeared fluttering down the street; and
+then, dashing wildly from the platform, tore furiously in the direction
+of said object, which appeared to be moving, followed spontaneously and
+with frantic speed by his fellow-speakers and the entire meeting. I was
+astounded; I was overwhelmed; for such a sudden breaking-up and
+precipitate flight of a great indignation meeting was never witnessed
+before. Quickly mounting the vacant rostrum, I drew my field-glass from
+my pocket, and proceeded to scan the wonderful white object which had
+produced such an electrical effect. It was moving on, as I fixed my
+glass upon it, and I found it to be a new banner, born by a fat young
+man in a white apron, and bearing the inscription:
+
+    BROOKSES
+
+    NEW BAR-ROOM,
+
+    _JUST OPEN_.
+
+    FREE LUNCH NOW READY.
+
+This it was, my boy, which had broken up one of the most significant
+meetings of the age, by artfully working upon the idea of its supposed
+inn-significance.
+
+Upon reaching Washington, on my return, I heard that a serious-minded
+chap, of Republican officiousness, had just waited upon the Honest Abe
+to ask if he did not intend to cause the arrest of Smith and Jones for
+their treason.
+
+Our Uncle Abe smiled feebly, and scratched his head, and says he:
+
+"What Smith and Jones, neighbor?"
+
+"Why," says the serious-minded chap, earnestly, "the Smith and Jones of
+Accomac."
+
+"Well, really," says the Honest Abe, pleasantly, "it's curious, now;
+but I never heard of them before."
+
+Drawing an inference from this little circumstance of Executive
+conversation, my boy, it strikes me that it would add considerably to
+the importance of some of our large-sized local revolutionists, if they
+could overturn the present ignorant Administration, and establish in
+its place a ---- Directory.
+
+Yours, double-entendrely,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XCVI.
+
+    DEVOTED PRINCIPALLY TO SOCIAL MATTERS, AND THE BENIGNANT BEARING OF
+    V. GAMMON AT A DIPLOMATIC SOIREE.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., July 3d, 1863.
+
+Social life at our National Capital, my boy, as far as the native
+element is concerned, has not been refined by the war; and even at the
+White House it is scarcely possible to collect an assemblage of persons
+sufficiently genteel by education to speak familiarly of European
+noblemen of their acquaintance. At the last dinner given by the
+Secretary of State, there were actually three Western persons of much
+cheek-bones, who dissented from the very proper idea that Earl Russel's
+Carlton-house sherry is superior to anything we have in this country;
+and my disgust intensified to hopeless scorn, when an Eastern chap in a
+nankeen vest was brazen enough to confess that he could not tell how
+many pieces the Emperor of the French had in the wash on the last week
+of Lent. At other social gatherings in Washington I have noticed the
+same evidences of growing vulgarity; and I greatly fear, my boy,--I
+greatly fear that a knowledge of Europe will yet be more prevalent
+amongst Europeans than Americans. O my country, my native land! has it
+indeed come to this at last? In thy loftiest social circles shall we no
+more behold that beautiful flesh-colored being in lavender gloves and
+dress-coat whose etherealized individuality broke rapturously forth in
+the thrilling words, "When I was in Paris last summer"? Are we no more
+to palpitate with ecstasy at the tones of that voice which was wont to
+trill forth in liquid music from a curl-crested fountain of white
+shoulders, saying: "Don't you remember, Mr. Thompsion, how the Guke of
+Leeds larfed that day, at the Reception, when I told him that we
+American ladies thought it was vulgar to say 'garters' out loud?" Alas!
+my boy, our aristocracy is fading away like an abused exotic, and it is
+not oftener than once in a season that the frequenter of our Republican
+Court witnesses one incident to make him recognize the polished people
+he once knew. About two months ago, at an evening party given by Mrs.
+Senator ----, I did witness a social incident, showing that there is
+still hope for the Republic. An interesting young mother, of not more
+than sixty-two summers, attired in a babywaist and graduated flounces,
+was standing near one of the doors of the music-room conversing with me
+upon the moral character of her dearest female friend, when her gushing
+daughter, a nymph not more than six pianos old, came pressing to her
+side, and whispered behind her fan,--
+
+"Mamma _cheri_, may I donse with young Waddle?"
+
+The maternal girl smiled grimly at the fragile suppliant, and asked:
+
+"How much is his celery, _ma petite_?"
+
+"Nine hundred, mamma, in the Third Auditor's."
+
+"Then tell him, _mon ange_, that you are engaged for the next set, and
+wait until the thousand-dollar clerks come in. You know, _ma petite_,
+what the Count Pistachio said to you at Avignon about giving
+encouragement to anything less than four figures."
+
+I could not avoid overhearing this conversation, my boy, for it was not
+held in whispers, and I thought to myself, as I eyed the fashionable
+pair, "The Republic still lives."
+
+It is, however, with the foreign embassies at Washington, that the
+genuine aristocratic spirit still holds its normal own; and when I
+lately received an invitation from a certain convivial diplomatist of
+the Set to be one of a select party of distinguished gentlemen at his
+residence on a certain evening, I felt that there was still an
+available balm in Gilead. Arriving in the rooms shortly before ten
+o'clock, I found seven middle-aged gentlemen in cambric ruffles and
+scratch-wigs assembled around the wine-table, all pledging the health
+of the Venerable Gammon, who had come up from Mugville expressly to be
+present. There was the French Marquis Non Puebla, on a visit to this
+country to search for traces of one of the lost gravies of Apicius;
+Milord Gurgle, who had been deputed to convey to New York a pair of
+Southdown sheep, presented by the Zoölogical Gardens to Central Park;
+the Honorable Peter Pidger, who had once been to Europe to negotiate
+the sale of some railroad stock; the Ambassador in person; and three
+other respectable persons with no names, whose sole duty it was to
+indorse the Ambassador whenever he said anything about "dat
+signeeficant commencement of dees war at Bool Run." But the greatest of
+them all, my boy, was the Venerable Gammon, who smiled fatly as they
+drank his health, and emptied his own crystal with a soft benignity
+which seemed to consecrate that brand of liquor forever.
+
+"My friends," says the Venerable Gammon, waving an unctuous hand around
+the board in a manner to confer blessings on the very nutcrackers,--"my
+friends, I accept the honor for my country, and not for myself. Your
+countries bask in the sunshine of a powerful peace, while mine grows
+weak in despotic war. But do not spit upon us, my friends; do not crush
+us. We will do whatever you want us to do. War," says the Venerable
+Gammon, beaming thoughtfully at the nearest wine-cooler,--"war may be
+called the temporary weakness of a young country like ours; and if we
+learn not to value peace more than war as we grow older, it will only
+be because we do not learn to value war less than peace as we advance
+to riper years."
+
+Then all the respectable middle-aged gentlemen nudged each other to
+notice _that_; and the Honorable Peter Pidger observed, in an
+undertone, to Milord Gurgle, that if the Government was only guided by
+such wisdom as that, the country might yet hope for favor from Europe.
+
+"Ah!" says the Ambassador, reflectively, "I cannot help to recollect
+dat signeeficant commencement of dees war at Bool Run."
+
+Whereupon the three middle-aged gentlemen with no names nodded
+meaningly to each other, and murmured, in pitying chorus:
+
+"Ah, yes indeed."
+
+As I rode home to my hotel that night, my boy, and reflected upon the
+polished observations I had listened to, it seemed to me that Europe
+must indeed be superior to a weak young country like ours, and that
+Secretary Seward was but showing a proper respect for the dignity of
+monarchies in yielding gracefully to them whatever they asked, and
+establishing in American history its first creation of knighthood,
+under the title of Sir Render. The Sword of '76 would have refused the
+accolade; but that of '63 is of a milder temper.
+
+On Wednesday, as I strolled lazily along the shore of Awlkuyet River,
+listlessly tossing pebbles into the placid stream, and paying no
+attention to any visible object save the severed branches of trees and
+broken fragments of artillery-wheels which occasionally barred my
+progress, a Mackerel picket suddenly touched me on the shoulder, and
+says he, in a whisper,--
+
+"You mustn't be chucking stones into that air water, or you'll wake up
+the Captain which is asleep."
+
+I glanced askance at him from under my vizor, and says I, "What
+Captain, my trooper?"
+
+"Why," says he, "the Captain of the Blockade, over yonder."
+
+I looked in the direction indicated by his finger, my boy, and beheld
+the sloop-of-war Morpheus at anchor near a small inlet leading to the
+river from the up-country.
+
+"Why, my Union champion," says I, wonderingly, "I should like to know
+at what time the Captain makes it a practice to retire?"
+
+"Ah!" says the Mackerel picket, leaning upon his musket, and looking
+dreamily over the water, "he's all the time retiring--he's been put
+upon the 'Retired' list."
+
+Here was a man, my boy, an American, like you or me, brought up in a
+country where education is free to all, and yet he had no clearer idea
+of the functions of our Naval Retiring Board than such as happened to
+be suggested to his instinct by what he could see of the national
+blockade service!
+
+Yours, amazedly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XCVII.
+
+    INTRODUCING THE GREAT MORAL EXHIBITION OF THE "EFFIGYNIA," GLANCING
+    AT A FOURTH NEW MACKEREL GENERAL, AND SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT'S
+    DRAFT ON ACCOMAC WAS PROTESTED AT SIGHT.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., July 10th, 1863.
+
+As I wax numerous in exciting years, my boy, and observe more and more
+of the long-headed and strategic manner in which our wealthy but
+distracted country prosecutes the Restoration of the Union, the
+stronger grows my belief that, inasmuch as the way of the transgressor
+is hard, the way of the well-doer is inexpressibly "soft." Each day of
+the present national crisis brings fresh evidence of the exceedingly
+soft character of the policy by which our upright government would turn
+to nought the wrathful devices of its enemies, and further demonstrates
+the vast difference existing between everything upright and anything
+downright. We discomfit the well-known Southern Confederacy, at every
+turn, my boy,--we discomfit it at every turn; but, the trouble is, we
+keep turning all the time, like a Thomas cat after his tail, constantly
+believing that we are approaching the end, but never quite reaching it.
+
+Fearing lest I should become metaphysical if I pursued this train of
+thought any farther,--thereby encroaching upon the bottomless province
+of the Awful and Unfathomable German mind, which rejoices gloomily in
+the solemn investigation of all that verges upon muddled
+abstraction;--fearing lest I should become thus erudite, profound, and
+snuffily unintelligible, my boy, I repress my morbid inclination to
+take a funereal canter into abstruse speculation on the elephants of
+thought, and digress from theory to fact.
+
+This city, which is destined to become in time another Waterloo in the
+sense of offering everything drinkable in lieu of water, presents but
+very little except bar-rooms in the way of entertainment just now.
+Hence, my boy, we can properly appreciate the "Effigynia," as it is
+classically called, which a thoughtful yellow-vested chap of much
+breastpin, from Pequog, has just opened on Pennsylvania Avenue.
+According to advertisement, "this chaste and plastic exhibition
+consists of wax effigies of the five successive Generals of the
+Mackerel Brigade, with the peculiar personalities of each one, and the
+superiority of each over the other, unmistakably stamped on the forms
+and features of each!" Being a moral man, my boy, and much addicted to
+entertainments which differ from the prevailing drama of the day in
+obviating the necessity for steadily blushing, I repaired to the
+Effigynia the other evening and was much edified by the spectacle
+presented. Five mirrors standing at different angles with a wax figure
+of the first General of the Mackerel Brigade, were made each to reflect
+said figure; and I could not help feeling, my boy, that the likenesses
+were correct. I saw before me the counterfeit presentments of the five
+soldiers who had successively arisen to the highest Mackerel Command,
+and I found myself wondering how many more mirrors the exhibition would
+need before the war came to a head--containing brains.
+
+It was on Tuesday morning that I ascended majestically to the slanting
+roof of my Gothic steed, the sagacious Pegasus, and moved perceptibly
+across Long Bridge once more, toward the camp of the Mackerel Brigade.
+It is worthy of note, my boy, that the architectural animal in question
+has greatly improved of late upon a diet of condemned straw hats, and
+now trots an hour in sixty minutes with the greatest ease of manner. An
+occasional cough but adds to the melancholy interest of his funereal
+cast of countenance; and as his head grows more and more vivid in its
+resemblance to an infant's coffin, his whole effect deepens in its
+churchliness and sepulchral solemnity.
+
+As I neared the national head-quarters, the Mackerel Surgeon-General
+saluted me, and I observed that he kept his glance dreamily fixed upon
+the Gothic Pegasus.
+
+"As I gaze upon that bony fabric," says he, biting a piece of calamus
+in soft professional abstraction,--"as I gaze upon that fleet skeleton
+you bestride, I cannot help thinking that Rule Britannia is frequently
+right in speaking of a horse as an 'oss; though she may use a
+superfluous 's' in the word. You see," says the surgeon, pausing to
+take a gray powder, and to try his lancet on his left thumb-nail,--"you
+see, the classical term '_os_' signifies bone; and as bone is the
+prevailing aspect of your present charger, he might be termed an
+'_'os_' without violence to the lingual proprieties."
+
+I have always suspected this surgeon, my boy, of being an accursed
+secessionist in disguise, and now I feel confident that he would not
+hesitate, if opportunity offered, to carry his fiendish affection for
+the well-known Southern Confederacy to the extent of actually differing
+with me upon some point in conversation. In such times as these, my
+boy, there can be no middle ground for a man; he must either be heart
+and soul with his country's murderous foes, or ready to agree entirely
+with me in anything I may say or think. God save the Republic!
+
+Upon arriving at a locality, which I refrain from naming, lest I should
+thereby betray my beloved country or make a mistake in spelling, I
+found the venerable and spectacled veterans of the thrice-valorous
+Mackerel Brigade just returned from a spirited pursuit of certain
+regiments of disreputable Confederacies who were stealing farms on the
+outskirts of Paris. These Confederacies had even penetrated into
+storied Accomac, and removed everything they found upon the farms there
+except the mortgages. Hence the demand upon the aged and unconquerable
+Mackerel Brigade for an immediate walk in that direction, and there
+they had gone by the most circuitous and profoundly strategical route
+afforded by the county maps. General John Smith, the latest edition of
+Mackerel Commander, gave leadership of his advance guard to Captain
+Villiam Brown, and immediately five-and-twenty inflamed reporters
+frantically telegraphed to as many excellent and reliable morning
+journals, that all the thieving Confederacies were about to be bagged,
+and that all the revolting details would be given in our next issue. It
+was toward evening, my boy, when Captain Villiam Brown, mounted upon
+his geometrical steed, Euclid, came riding up to the advanced
+head-quarters of the new general to report results.
+
+"Well, young man," says the General, with Spartan equanimity, "have we
+bagged the enemies of human freedom?"
+
+Villiam looked up from the demijohn under the table, upon which he had
+been earnestly gazing, and says he, "No, sire; but the very next thing
+to bagging them has occurred."
+
+"Relate the tale," says the General, with dignity.
+
+"Why," says Villiam, "instead of our bagging them, they have been
+sacking us."
+
+It is a remarkable and beautiful peculiarity of our flexible language,
+my boy, that its semi-syno-nymical effects permit the transmission of
+trying intelligence in terms of soothing similarity to those which
+might have been employed had the news been more felicitous. Thus are we
+let down easily from pride to humiliation, and spared much intervening
+agony of soul.
+
+So the Mackerel Brigade turned their gleaming old spectacles once more
+in the direction of our National Capital, and are again a
+characteristic of the landscape enclosing Washington. Further
+consummate strategy is postponed for a time on account of the weather,
+which has become villanously hot through the fanatical machinations of
+the insidious Black Republicans. Thus are Greeley, Beecher, Wendell
+Phillips, and their deluded followers weakening the military arm of the
+government and endeavoring to obtain fat contracts for worthless fans!
+
+Methinks I hear you ask, "Has the new general of the Mackerel Brigade
+made a failure, after all the credit the public have given him for
+superiority over his predecessors?"
+
+Far be it from me to judge hastily, but I may be permitted to say, my
+boy,--I may be permitted to say, that men in the military line have
+this point in common with men in a mercantile business; by obtaining
+too much on credit at the start, they are very apt to make bad
+failures, leaving nothing but their lie-abilities for the consolation
+of those who trusted them.
+
+Upon reaching the Mackerel camp, and exchanging festive salutations
+with Captain Bob Shorty, who was trying to purchase the dressed skin of
+a handsome copperhead snake from Corporal Veller, of the California
+Reserve, to use as a sword-belt,--after exchanging salutations, I
+repaired to the tent of the chaplain, to witness the marriage of one of
+the younger Mackerels to a pretty Shenandoah belle. As the happy pair
+stood before the drum to be made wife and man, I noticed that the
+bride's rosy cheeks paled like a sunset under the twilight, until the
+languishing stars of her eyes shone only upon snow.
+
+And now, my boy, let me say a few words respecting the recent attempted
+draft of Abe L. bodied men in thrice-famous Accomac, and the
+freedom-loving spirit in which it was met by the Sovereign People. With
+a prescient view to being amply prepared for an overwhelming assault
+upon combined Europe, which is shortly to be made by Secretary Seward
+and the muscular United States of America, our Uncle Abe ordered a
+draft of Accomackians to be made at once. Hereupon the Accomac "Morning
+Dog," an excellent daily journal, indulged in a high-minded editorial
+on the fiendish proclivities of the Governor of Accomac, and the
+general wildness of all the Accomackians to be drafted if he would let
+them. With great promptness, that admirable palladium of human freedom,
+the "Evening Cat," avowed that it spit upon the gubernatorial
+scurrility of its growling contemporary; that it deprecated mob
+violence and trusted that no mob would resist the draft; but could not
+help believing that the Sovereign People might possibly arise in their
+majesty and occasion a speedy funeral in the family of the
+editor-in-chief of the venomous and intolerable "Morning Dog."
+
+It was at 10 o'clock A.M., my boy, when the drafting commenced in
+Accomac, and in half an hour thereafter the Sovereign People,
+consisting of several gentlemen from Ireland, were asserting the
+dignity of a free community in a manner worthy of the sacred cause of
+Emigration. It is a touching fact, my boy,--a touching and æsthetical
+fact, that the American people are ever so able to find foreign
+champions to protect their freedom from governmental infringement that
+they seldom have occasion to do any fighting for it themselves.
+
+The Sovereign People of Accomac, being fully aroused and slightly
+inebriated, proceeded to vindicate the majesty of our excellent
+national Democratic Organization by relieving a bloated aristocracy of
+their watches and loose change, ransacking sundry private residences on
+account of the great draft of their chimneys, and performing other
+awe-inspiring acts of rude majesty, equally well calculated to evince a
+freeborn people's distaste for despotism. Furthermore, the Sovereign
+People fearlessly attacked a large and aristocratic Hospital, beating
+many of the patients to death; for, by some corrupt chicanery, these
+patients were barefacedly exempted from the Conscription which bore so
+heavily upon the down-trodden and healthy poor man. The "Evening Cat,"
+in a special edition, was genial enough to express a hope that "the
+outraged people now muttering ominously in the air," would not burst
+upon the office and editor of the "Morning Dog" with _too_ much just
+fury; whereupon the incensed Sovereign People said that, be jabers,
+they'd come mighty near forgetting that entirely; and forthwith
+proceeded to stone the office of the "Dog" until the hasty discharge of
+an ink-stand from one of the upper windows thereof induced them to make
+a hasty change of base.
+
+Without indulging in farther details, suffice it to say that the
+Sovereign People finally desisted from their struggle for liberty upon
+being satisfied that no more watches, purses, nor sick despots were to
+be got at conveniently, and the "Evening Cat" came out in a spirited
+article in favor of an immediate war with France.
+
+How grateful should it be to our national pride, my boy, that even the
+stranger that is within our gates feels inspired by the very atmosphere
+with a jealous, a fighting love for perfect freedom,--especially if
+said gates be those of a State prison.
+
+Yours, exuberantly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XCVIII.
+
+    RECOUNTING A CHASTE "RECONSTRUCTION" ANECDOTE OF THE SIXTH WARD,
+    AND DIVULGING CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN'S INGENIOUS ALPHABETICAL
+    EXPERIMENT WITH COMPANY THREE.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., Sept. 25th, 1863.
+
+It is a high-moral idea of poets, congressmen, and the writers for our
+improving weekly journals of exciting romance, my boy, that it is a
+noble and majestic thing to feel warmly for one's country; but when the
+thermometer stands at 90 in the shade, and we join with our
+fellow-beings in shedding tears from the tops of our foreheads, I find
+my disinterested patriotism fully equal to the self-abnegation of the
+remark, that I had rather be cool than be President. Our brethren are
+already in the field; why stand we here idle? Is ice so dear, or peace
+so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid
+it, Almighty Dollars! I know not what other gentlemen would have; but
+as for me, give me liberty, or give me a fan. Thus, my boy, after the
+manner of the departed Patrick Henry, did I expose myself to the
+conservative Kentucky chap, as we stood panting together in the
+vestibule of the Treasury Buildings the other day; and says he:
+
+"The loyal State of Kentucky, of which I am a part, has no objections
+to warm weather in the summer-time; provided it is not indorsed by the
+fanatical Black Republicans. Warm weather," says the conservative
+Kentucky chap, thoughtfully, "is of much service to the old rye crop of
+Kentucky; but Kentucky would forego even her old rye, rather than see
+retarded the movements of that army whose constitutional duty it is to
+restore the Union--not reconstruct it."
+
+The regular list of dead idiots for this year being not quite full yet,
+my boy, there are still persons living who can perceive no very immense
+difference between Restoring the Union and Reconstructing the Union;
+which reminds me of a chaste little incident that once occurred in the
+Sixth Ward.
+
+A highly-respectable liquor-selling chap, of enlarged stomach and
+overwhelming shirt-collar, having just been elected Alderman, through
+the influence of his excellent moral character, and about two thousand
+dollars judiciously invested in Irishmen, gave a fashionable party to
+celebrate this triumph of the purity of elections, and invited about
+two-thirds of the Fire Department to bring their wives and sweethearts.
+Promptly at nine o'clock, two Hose Companies, of unblemished
+reputations for noise, four Engine Associations noted for saving one
+pine table from the devouring element to every two Brussels carpets
+they ruined with water, three Hook-and-Ladder Societies greatly
+distinguished for climbing into the third-story windows of the building
+two doors from the burning domicil, and an equivalent number of the
+cotton-hearted women of America, were on hand in the aldermanic
+drawing-rooms. The new public dignitary received them all with that
+exquisite blandness of demeanor which is so becoming to great men who
+have just made a rush from obscurity: and says he,--
+
+"Make yourselves at home now, boys, only don't spit on the carpet. If
+there's a fire while the swarry is goin' on, I'll let the old woman
+listen for the district and announce it from the airy. We'll keep the
+winders up, and when the hall-bell rings, you fellers as has to leave,
+can just slip down onto the front stoop without breaking up the entire
+swarry."
+
+Here the large-hearted aldermanic chap was called hastily downstairs to
+attend the bar, several army officers having just arrived in the ward,
+and the "swarry" commenced as merrily as a fire in a carpenter's shop.
+It set in for a heavy dance at about eleven o'clock, and then were seen
+as many elaborate verses in the poetry of motion, as any pair of eyes
+could wish to enjoy. "Fifty's" foreman, who danced with a very pretty
+dotted muslin, produced a very striking and picturesque effect by
+rolling his inexpressibles up over his boots, and giving a life-like
+imitation of the working of an engine with his heels and toes;
+whereupon the assistant foreman of "Thirty's Truck" suddenly threw off
+his dress-coat and appeared in full red shirt, simultaneously striking
+into a fine, artistic shuffle, intended to imitate the hauling-in and
+reeling-up of the wet hose after a conflagration. These and other
+graceful novelties were greatly admired by the ladies, each of whom
+said so many spicy and spiteful things about the other's bare arms and
+forward manners, that a stranger might have taken them all for the very
+cream of Fifth Avenue or any other Best Society.
+
+It was about midnight when "Fifty's" foreman, growing reckless with the
+passionate splendors of excitement, scuffled away with his flushed
+dotted muslin to a luxurious chintz sofa near one of the windows, and
+intemperately whispered in her ear, "Miss Perkins, it were madness for
+me longer to conceal my insanity, and to remain silent would but render
+me speechless. Here let me lay my heart and trumpet at your feet,
+and"--
+
+She had fainted! Ay, sir, swooned!
+
+Instantly the whole brilliant saloon was in confusion; the dancing
+ceased, the dust commenced to settle, and the assistant foreman of
+"Thirty's Truck" was seen to put on his coat.
+
+"Bring your hose here, quick, and play on her face!" shouted "Fifty's"
+foreman, half-crazed by what he had done. But the dotted muslin's
+mother now clutched her in her arms, and says she, "Let's get her into
+the dressing-chamber, and somebody bring a little sally wolatile."
+
+Here another dowager seized an arm of the fainting girl, and the two
+bore her tenderly into the retiring-room, followed by some two or three
+sympathizing young ladies. And now, my boy, it becomes my delicate duty
+to hastily sketch a scene which the masculine pen cannot too carefully
+touch upon. It being one of the principles of woman's nature that some
+relaxations must be admitted in her toilet before she can revive from
+syncope, the second dowager commenced to relieve the fainting fair one
+of such articles of fashionable addenda as might retard her recovery.
+She took off her side-curls and back-hair and laid them upon a table;
+with great care she removed her upper teeth and placed them upon a
+chair; softly wetting a corner of her handkerchief in her mouth she
+effectually wiped away the eyebrows and a part of the cheek of the
+young sufferer; and she was proceeding to make other dissections which
+I shall dismiss with the remark that they are merely matters of form,
+when the patient gave a gentle sigh as she rested in her mother's arms,
+and says the mother to the dowager:--
+
+"There, Mrs. Jobbins, I guess you needn't do any more." Mrs. Jobbins
+gave a sagacious look at the patient, and says she:
+
+"Very true, mem; she is getting better. It wont take us many minutes to
+reconstruct her."
+
+"I beg your parding, Mrs. Jobbins," says the maternal, shaking her
+cap,--"I beg your parding Mrs. Jobbins; but your language is
+ineddicated, highly; you should say 'restore' her."
+
+Mrs. Jobbins straightened herself up, with a glare, and says she:
+"Perhaps, mem, you can teach _me_ eddication, and my own daughter a
+teacher these two years in the public schools! The ideor! I repeat
+it--to reconstruct her--put her together again."
+
+"Restore," says the maternal, savagely.
+
+"Reconstruct!" screamed Mrs. Jobbins.
+
+"You're a artful, ignorant old copperhead!" howled the maternal,
+dropping her daughter's head upon the floor.
+
+"And you're a spiteful, stuck-up, toothless old--ab'litionist!!" yelled
+the dowager, stamping until her snuff-box hopped out of her pocket.
+
+Drawn to the room by the noise, a hard old nut, a retired foreman of
+old "Sixty," stuck his head in at the door, and says he: "What are you
+old fools scrimmaging about? You're keeping the swarry back."
+
+Both the old ladies made at him at once to know which, in his opinion,
+was the right word,--'Reconstruct,' or 'Restore?'
+
+The old nut took a thoughtful bite of tobacco, and says he: "Let the
+girl herself tell you when she _revives_."
+
+Revive was the word, my boy; and while the old women were quarrelling
+over the two terms aforesaid, poor nature got tired of waiting, and
+realized the right one in action for herself. The girl revived without
+being either restored, or reconstructed.
+
+And thus, my boy, I sometimes think, that, whilst noisy old political
+grannies are quarrelling as to whether the Union shall be Restored, or
+Reconstructed, the fainting young Union will suddenly revive of itself.
+At any rate, it bids fair to have plenty of time to do so.
+
+In a recent letter I noted the return of the main body of the
+invincible and time-honored Mackerel Brigade to what may be termed the
+place of its military birth; but I did not, nor can I, describe justly
+the many touching incidents of the retrogression. Once more, my boy,
+does this standard national martial organization find itself on the
+right side of Awlkuyet River, and many a sensitive Mackerel, as he
+gazes through his tear-dimmed spectacles upon the surrounding scenery
+of his youth, fancies himself a boy again, and newly experiences in all
+his muscles that tingling sensation which, in the full-blooded lad,
+equally follows a public compliment and a private flogging. As the gory
+and venerable Brigade wound slowly back into the well-known fields
+rendered historically famous for making Washington safe, one very
+ancient Mackerel grounded his musket by the roadside, took off his
+spectacles, looked with deep emotion upon the scenes of his early
+years, and says he to another Mackerel:--
+
+"Thank Heaven! we have at last reached the end of the war."
+
+The other Mackerel paused in his work of cracking an army biscuit
+between two rocks, and says he: "Which end do you mean, Sammy?"
+
+"Why," says Sammy, "the end we commenced at."
+
+Could it be possible, my boy, that there was a serious and profound
+truth in that unconsidered Mackerel remark? If so, we are indeed
+approaching the beginning of the war, and there is rather less of Mars
+than of Grand-Ma's in the management of the Virginia campaign.
+
+But why should my pen linger upon this monotonous theme, when the grim
+Fort Piano on Duck Lake, and the ancient city of Paris on the nether
+shore thereof, are being besieged on all sides by the Mackerel
+iron-plated patent squadron under the hoary Rear Admiral Head, and the
+Mackerel contingent and Orange County Howitzers under Captains Samyule
+Sa-mith and Villiam Brown. Several times, my boy, has Fort Piano been
+entirely destroyed and taken by all our excellent and reliable morning
+journals, the columns of American newspapers being led on to
+victory--or leaded on to victory--with rather more ease than a dozen
+times as many columns of any troops in the world; but, inasmuch as the
+unseemly but well-known Southern Confederacy still keeps store there,
+it has been deemed proper to make another iron-clad experiment in that
+salubrious vicinity. This time, however, the army takes part in the
+effort, as well as the navy, and Captain Samyule Sa-mith, with the
+Orange County Howitzers, bombards the atmosphere from the banks of the
+Lake, whilst the aged Rear Admiral Head, with his iron-plated squadron,
+performs fiery antics upon the briny element.
+
+The sailing of the squadron inside the bar was a beautiful sight, and
+was witnessed by a couple of English and French consuls who had come
+down to the banks of Duck Lake to see if they could recognize the
+Confederacy at that distance. First advanced Rear Admiral Head's
+flagship monitor, the "Shockingbadhat;" followed in close order by the
+"Aitch," the "Yew," the "Em," the "Bee," the "You" and the "Gee."
+
+And now, my boy, you may probably imagine that I am about to relate,
+with Homeric fervor and the graphic eloquence of Tacitus, how the
+Mackerel Squadron poured whole foundries of shot and shell into Fort
+Piano; and how the Orange County Howitzers rained Greek Fire (Irish
+whiskey) into all the basement windows of Paris; but I have various
+reasons for doing nothing of the kind, inasmuch as the War Department
+does not desire that the enemy should be prematurely informed of the
+capture of the Fort and City. Suffice it to say, that everything is
+progressing favorably, though recent heavy rains have greatly
+incommoded such of the land forces as are not supplied with umbrellas.
+
+I think, however, my boy, that I may venture to describe Captain
+Villiam Brown's alphabetical experiment with Company 3, Regiment 5,
+which constitutes the present Mackerel reserve on the edge of the Lake.
+Villiam having heard of Jeff. Davis's experiment with his regiment in
+Mexico, when he formed it into a V shape to receive a cavalry charge,
+resolved to give his regiment that shape for the purpose of a
+roundabout sally upon Fort Piano from the rear, or land side.
+
+"Comrades," says Villiam, impressively, "V stands for Victory,
+Vengeance and Vashington, and I desire you to take its shape."
+
+The Mackerels formed themselves into a V, my boy; but when Villiam
+gallantly retired behind a tree to be out of the way, and gave the
+order "Forward--double-quick,--march!" Sergeant O'Pake modestly stood
+out of the ranks, and says he:
+
+"Of course _you_ will go ahead of us, Captain?"
+
+"Ha!" says Villiam, haughtily, "why?"
+
+"Oh!" says the sergeant, "V., you know, always follows U."
+
+Villiam was lost in thought for a moment, my boy, and then says he:
+"That's true, Sergeant; and as U never comes until after T, we'll defer
+that ere charge for the present."
+
+Incidents of this kind are but common in this war between brethren,
+which is so abhorrent to Democrats and the high-moral members of the
+church.
+
+Hoping, my boy, that, by relating the success of Rear Admiral Head and
+Captain Samyule Sa-mith in my next, I may add two more illustrious
+names to the list of candidates for the Presidency in 1865, I remain,
+
+Yours, electorally,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XCIX.
+
+    IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT IS BETRAYED INTO ARGUMENT; BUT RECOVERS
+    IN TIME TO GIVE US THE USUAL CHRISTMAS SONG AND STORY OF THE
+    RENOWNED BRIGADE.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., Dec. 27th, 1863.
+
+Another Christmas finds our great stragetic country in the toils of
+war, my boy, and the chiming of the bells is lost in the roar of
+ingenious artillery. Where blazes the yule log that misses not at least
+one manly form from its genial ring of quivering Christmas light; and
+where hangs the mistletoe bough beneath which at least one gentle,
+womanly heart beats not the quicker with fond thoughts of the lad whose
+first kiss upon her half-reluctant lips was destined to burn in future
+there as her keepsake from a hero? Dear old Christmas! rich to memory
+in all the simple joys and fond, familiar sanctities of home, thou
+comest sadly upon me in my exile with the iron men of war, the waxen
+men of politics; and though I hail thee merry for thy cheery
+evergreens, God knows it is thy snow that presses nearest to my heart.
+But a truce to sentiment, my boy, when the most sentimental object I
+have seen for a week is the Conservative Kentucky Chap, whose imbibing
+method of celebrating the approach of Christmas invariably leads him
+into disquisitions upon the wrongs of the heroic White Man. On Tuesday,
+as we took Richmond together, with the least bit of sugar in the world,
+he leaned heavily upon me, and says he:
+
+"The ancient State of Kentucky, of which I am a part, is growing sick
+at the stomach to see how the Black Man is continually being raised
+above the White Man; and Kentucky demands to be immediately informed
+whether or no this war is to be prosecuted in future for the White
+Man?"
+
+"For the White Man," my boy, he said; "for the White Man!"
+
+And was he not right? The noble being to whom he alluded is certainly
+richly justified in a very high pitch of pride over the gratifying
+fact, that his natural complexion is considerably whiter than anything
+at all darker. In the abstract, my boy, it is not a positive white, and
+its general hue, if characteristic of a napkin would hardly enable that
+napkin to pass muster at the feast of an Apicius or a Lamia; but, as
+compared with other complexions, it is properly colorless, and strikes
+the eye very pleasantly when regarded by a single person in a mirror.
+So highly, indeed, do many possessors of this complexion admire its
+prevailing whiteness, that they perform their ablutions with an
+artistic design to leave here and there certain picturesque streaks of
+delicate shading, thereby causing the whiteness of the intervening
+spots to appear all the more dazzling. Others, again, religiously
+refrain from water outwardly as well as inwardly, for the apparent
+purpose of incrusting the purity of their valuable complexion in a
+protecting coat; thus preserving it from any possible bad effect of the
+sun. Still others, my boy, continue to practise the thorough ablution
+of the ancients, but signally succeed in throwing out the whiteness of
+the level of their faces in excellent relief, by adopting measures to
+implant a contrasting red on the tips of their noses. And a fourth
+class, having an eye to beauties of a White background for the
+exhibition of chaste neutral tints, incur the frequent freckle and the
+graceful pimple with great judgment and taste.
+
+Considering the character of the White face with due profundity of
+thought, my boy, I am led to regard it as a canvas, expressly intended
+by nature to receive quick and vivid paintings of all the virtues; and
+so nicely adapted to the least of humanity's desires, that the woman
+who has no virtues to limn themselves thereon, may yet paint it to suit
+herself.
+
+This cannot be said of the Black skin, my boy. Upon that the beautiful
+virtue of Modesty cannot paint itself in a blush when its owner is
+detected in the act of taking a bribe; nor is it susceptible of that
+beautiful sunset-tint which the genial merit of being able to punish
+four bottles at a sitting delights to leave upon a face of Caucasian
+extraction. It is even incapable of receiving those exquisite
+sub-ocular shades which adorn a White face after an evening's innocent
+enjoyment at the Club, and it fails signally to absorb the delicate
+tint of yellow not unfrequently perceptible near the outer corners of
+the busy dental department of the tobacconizing White man's
+physiognomy.
+
+Taking all these facts into calculation, my boy, it is plainly evident
+that the variously-ornamented White skin is an article much superior to
+the Black, and certainly designates its wearers as beings intended to
+move in nothing but the highest natural circles.
+
+Such being the case, we cannot blame the White Man for entertaining a
+wholesome contempt and loathing for the Black Man; and the truly hearty
+manner in which many of our more pallid fellow-countrymen breathe
+ingenious execrations whenever the latter is mentioned, may be accepted
+as a beautiful and touching proof that they appreciate God's benignity
+in giving them a superiority of skin; even though He may have seen
+best, in His infinite wisdom, to leave them occasionally without
+brains.
+
+Having been informed that the ancient and spectacled Mackerel Brigade
+had returned from its monthly walk toward the well-known and starving
+Southern Confederacy, I ascended to the roof of my architectural steed,
+the Gothic Pegasus, on Thursday morn, my boy, and galloped slowly to
+the stamping ground of the unconquerable veterans. Let me pass over the
+events of the day in camp, when the sedentary warriors, whom it is my
+glory to celebrate, were reviewed after the manner of Napoleon's Old
+Guard. Let me pass over this, and come directly to Christmas Eve, and
+the literary entertainment in the Mackerel Chaplain's tent. Captains
+Villiam Brown, Bob Shorty, Samyule Sa-mith, a young reporter from
+Olympus, the Chaplain, and myself, were the members of the party, and
+we sat round a camp-table with two lanterns swinging right over the
+bottles.
+
+Rear Admiral Head shortly came in; and when the Olympian reporter was
+requested to open the intellectual festival with a song, he
+complimented the iron-plated branch of the service with
+
+    "THE BOATSWAIN'S CALL.
+
+    I.
+
+    "The lights upon the river's brink
+      In constellation bright,
+    Are winking down upon the tide
+      That twinkles through the night;
+    When in a gayly dancing skiff
+      The boatswain leaves his ship,
+    And as his oars a moment cease
+      Within the flood to dip,
+                He winds his call,
+                The boatswain's cheery call.
+
+    II.
+
+    "A maiden stands upon the shore,
+      Where land and ocean meet,
+    And breakers cast their pearly gifts
+      In homage at her feet;
+    While through the causeway of the night
+      She gazes o'er the sea,
+    To where a stately frigate rides
+      In lonely majesty,
+                And waits the call,
+                The gallant boatswain's call.
+
+    III.
+
+    "'Oh! tarry not, my boatswain bold,'
+      Her parted lips would say;
+    But when the heart is vexed with doubt,
+      The soul can only pray;
+    And sorely doubtful is the maid,
+      Till on her ear there falls
+    The music of the merriest,
+      The clearest, best of calls--
+                A winding call,
+                Her faithful boatswain's call.
+
+    IV.
+
+    "A shining keel is on the sand,
+      The oars are laid aside,
+    And to the shore the sailor leaps
+      To greet his chosen bride;
+    His arms about her waist are thrown,
+      And through her rosy lips
+    He breathes a dainty boatswain's call,
+      Though not the call of ships;
+                But Cupid's call,
+                The boatswain Cupid's call.
+
+    V.
+
+    "And when the moon has drawn a path
+      Of light upon the sea,
+    A skiff is floating o'er the deep,
+      To where a frigate free
+    Is nestled in the ocean's breast,
+      With all her canvas furled;
+    Though ere the morn makes Hesper blush
+      Upon a waking world,
+                'Make sail, men, all!'
+                Will round the boatswain's call.
+
+    VI.
+
+    "A shadow follows in her wake,
+      And, through its depths is seen
+    The figure of a widowed wife
+      Upon the shore of green;
+    And ever as the tempest moans
+      Above the mocking wave,
+    A sound is wafted to her ears
+      From out a moving grave,--
+                A boatswain's call,
+                A ghostly boatswain's call."
+
+At the termination of the last stave, Captain Villiam
+Brown cleared his throat, and says he,--
+
+"As our friend has commenced the services with melody,
+I will proceed to keep the feeble intellecks of this
+assemblage excited with a terrifying moral ghost tale
+which the Dickens himself might grow pale under. It
+was sent to me," says Villiam, majestically, "by a former
+writer for the Track Society, and reflects much credit
+upon the literary resources of the United States of
+America."
+
+Whereupon, Villiam took some sheets of paper from his
+breast-pocket, my boy, and introduced
+
+    "MR. PEPPER'S GHOST.
+
+    "In the heart of a great city, whose corruption and wickedness in
+    continually growing larger and richer, were evident to every
+    smaller, and, consequently, more pious, town on the globe, dwelt a
+    shamefully rich banker, named Pursimmons, who, notwithstanding his
+    vile and enormous wealth, had refused to give it all to the
+    virtuous poor. That it was utterly impossible for such a man to
+    enter the Kingdom of Heaven need not be told; since we all know
+    that honest poverty, alone, can hope for such entrance; and as
+    poverty covers at least three-fourths of the human race, and is
+    invariably honest, according to its own touching account, there is
+    likely to be enough of it to fill up all the standing room in
+    Paradise, leaving no space for even the repentant wretch of a
+    millionaire. Hence, it naturally follows, that old Pursimmons was
+    miserable, with all his wealth. In fact, a slim, black-dressed
+    gentleman of much spectacles and severe countenance, who had vainly
+    solicited him to subscribe for ten thousand extra-gilt copies of
+    his new work on 'The Relation of Sunday Schools with the Moral
+    Organism of Normal Creation,' to be sent to the starving heathen of
+    the Choctaw Nation, was heard to remark, emphatically, that he
+    would rather be 'a ignorant but religious slave in the desert of
+    Sahara, my brethren, than that godless man with all his filthy
+    lucre.' Therefore, old Pursimmons _must_ have been a continual prey
+    to the most horrible twinges of guilty conscience that any one man,
+    in the abundant excess of his own spiritual serenity, ever
+    attributed to another of different views. All the year did this
+    unhappy but fleshy old man sin against everything that is poor and
+    pious by accepting all--ay, all!--the profits his business was
+    iniquitous enough to produce; and even rode in a carriage; though
+    hundreds of noble-hearted Irishmen in the honest brick and mortar
+    business had to walk,--ay, walk!--becoming so terribly exhausted
+    thereby as to be invariably compelled to pause for rest, on their
+    way home, at some humble liquor establishment. When Christmas Eve
+    came round, it found this enemy of his race meanly retiring to bed,
+    instead of scouring the highways and byways in search of reduced
+    private families who might at that very moment be despairingly
+    praying to have his last cent at their disposal. A man so
+    thoroughly bad could not fail to be a pitiable coward, and it is
+    not at all surprising that he was somewhat startled to suddenly
+    perceive, between himself and his scandalously-comfortable bed, Mr.
+    Pepper's Ghost!--the very same ghost once in full blow at all our
+    moral temples of the drama. 'Unreal Novelty!' exclaimed old
+    Pursimmons, chewing the strings of his night-cap, 'hie thee away to
+    thy native footlights; or, if thou must keep somebody awake all
+    night, betake thee to some great tragedian when Shakspeare's murder
+    lies heavy on his soul.' Mr. Pepper's Ghost winked with great
+    archness as it replied: 'Ghosts have no terrors for the sons of
+    Thespis, who are even merry with a ghost--of a chance to get their
+    salaries. My mission is to you, to whom I must a wholesome lesson
+    teach. Behold!'
+
+    "The spirit waved its hand, and lo! one whole side of the vile
+    banker's chamber fell magically away, disclosing to view a room
+    entirely destitute of velvet carpet and pictures by the Old
+    Masters. On a sofa reclined a middle-aged young girl, whose poor
+    dress of braidless merino was so inclemently low in the neck as to
+    suggest for its down-trodden wearer a purse too scanty to procure a
+    sufficiency of material. The daughter of penury had just reached
+    the hundred and fifty-second exciting page of the cheap but
+    excellent work of fiction she was reading, when a door opened and
+    her crushed husband entered, smoking his meerschaum.
+
+    "'Old boy,' said the Ghost, 'do you remember that man?'
+
+    "'Yes,' responded the banker, sadly; 'he came to me yesterday for
+    some money to keep him from starvation; and as he would not take
+    'greenbacks,' I did not help him.'
+
+    "'Listen,' said the Ghost.
+
+    "The crushed husband threw himself into a chair which was not
+    covered with Solferino satin, and ate a peanut.
+
+    "'Well, what luck?' asked the daughter of penury.
+
+    "'Old Pursimmons has refused, and I'--
+
+    "'And you!!'--
+
+    "'Must'--
+
+    "'Must?'--
+
+    "'_Support myself!!!_'
+
+    "It was too much. The daughter of penury fainted, the crushed
+    husband sniffed aloud, and the landlady knocked at the door for the
+    week's board.
+
+    "As this agonizing picture of human misery faded away, old
+    Pursimmons turned with an inaudible groan to Mr. Pepper's Ghost:
+
+    "'And I,' said he,--'and I am the cause of this woe?'
+
+    "The spectre silently and solemnly nodded an awful affirmative, and
+    waved its hand for another scene.
+
+    "This time, the presentment was the interior of a shop, around
+    which were shelves full of boxes containing all sorts of delicious
+    little gaiters, ties, slippers, bootees and kid pumps, whilst the
+    same kind of articles hung suspended from various hooks and pegs on
+    the wall. On a bench in one corner of this shop, busily working
+    upon a dainty pink satin gaiter-boot, was a narrow young man of
+    pensive countenance, weak eyes, pink nose and an intellectual head
+    of hair, in a workman's paper cap manufactured from an admirable
+    weekly journal of romance.
+
+    "As the deeply-affected banker gazed upon this figure, he
+    sorrowfully murmured: 'Ah! that is the deep-voiced youth who last
+    week desired of me five hundred dollars to insure the publication
+    of his new novel of Fashionable Life, which was destined to
+    instantly sweep Dickens, Victor Hugo, Thackeray, and other
+    demoralizing writers from the field of literature.'
+
+    "'Yes!' said Mr. Pepper's Ghost, severely; 'and your miserly
+    refusal to aid struggling genius with your miserable wealth has
+    driven a giant intellect into the ladies' shoemaking business. In
+    which,' added the spectre, 'I am bound to say, that he is doing
+    tolerably well.'
+
+    "The guilty old banker buried his face in his trembling hands; and
+    when he looked up again, the vision had changed, and he saw before
+    him the inside of a soldier's tent on the banks of the Rapidan,
+    with two gentle Zouaves arraying themselves in their new uniforms,
+    which had just arrived. Owing to some trifling mental aberration,
+    accompanied by hiccups, which often attacks the members of an army
+    confined to damp localities, these two troops had somehow mistaken
+    their jackets for their pants, and were struggling with Herculean
+    strength to thrust their dainty nether limbs into the sleeves of
+    the first-named garments. After an animated struggle of about a
+    quarter of an hour, something was heard to tear; whereupon, one of
+    the Zouaves tore his fractured jacket from his limbs, and dashed it
+    furiously to the ground, hurling imprecations upon all hard-hearted
+    wretches who coined money by making clothing out of rotten rags for
+    the glorious defenders of their homes and firesides.
+
+    "'Old boy,' thundered Mr. Pepper's Ghost, reproachfully, 'did you
+    not have an interest with your brother, the ---- street tailor, in
+    that Government contract for uniforms?'
+
+    "'I did,' replied the mournful banker.
+
+    "'Then behold,' said the spirit, 'how you have earned the eternal
+    hate of your country's gallant volunteers, and will be handed down
+    to future scorn and infamy as a member of the 'Shoddy Aristocracy.'
+     'And now, continued Mr. Pepper's Ghost, 'that I have shown you
+    these illustrations of your wickedness as a rich man, how do you
+    feel?'
+
+    "'Well,' responded old Pursimmons, 'to tell the truth, I feel
+    greatly bored and very sleepy.'
+
+    "'And you wont bestow all your wealth upon the next poor widow with
+    six small children?'
+
+    "'Not exactly.'
+
+    "'Nor at least one half of it upon the Mission for the Regeneration
+    of the starving Choctaw Nation?'
+
+    "'I'd rather be excused.'
+
+    "'Well, then,' exclaimed Mr. Pepper's Ghost, plaintively, 'wont
+    you--_wont_ you, oblige _me_ with--a loan of five dollars?'
+
+    "'Yes--if you will take greenbacks.'
+
+    "At the word, Mr. Pepper's Ghost uttered a scream of despair, smote
+    its breast frantically, and gave the chair upon which old
+    Pursimmons had just seated himself such a vicious kick that the
+    flinty-hearted banker suddenly awoke, found it all a dream,
+    and,--went outrageously to sleep again; thereby giving convincing
+    proof of that utter callousness of soul which all worthy poor men
+    know to be the sure accompaniment of riches!"
+
+As Villiam ceased reading, we all retired silently from the tent,
+greatly improved by what we had heard. And now, my boy, let me conclude
+with a little story of my own:
+
+Some months ago, a certain western General gave an order to an Eastern
+contractor for a couple of peculiarly made gunboats for his service;
+but, happening to pass the White House, shortly after, saw what he took
+to be the models of two just such gunboats protruding out of one of the
+windows. Thinking that the President had concluded to attend to the
+matter himself, he immediately telegraphed to the contractor not to go
+on with the job.
+
+Quite recently, the contractor came here again, and says he to the
+General,--
+
+"I'd like to see the model of those White-House gunboats."
+
+The General conducted him toward the White House, my boy, and the two
+stood admiring the models, which protruded from the window as usual.
+
+Pretty soon a Western Congressman came along, and says the contractor
+to him:
+
+"Can you tell me, sir, whether those models of gunboats up there are on
+exhibition?"
+
+"Gunboats!" says the Western chap, looking. "Do you take those things
+for gunboats?"
+
+"Of course," says the contractor.
+
+"Why, you fool!" says the Congressman, "those are the Secretary's
+boots. The Secretary always sits with his feet out of the window when
+he is at home, and those are the ends of his boots!"
+
+Without another word, my boy, the General and the contractor turned
+gloomily from the spot, convinced that they had witnessed the most
+terrific feet of the campaign.
+
+Yours, merrily,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER C.
+
+    GIVING DIVERS INSTANCES OF STRANGELY-MISTAKEN IDENTITY; AND
+    REVEALING A WISE METHOD OF SAVING THE COUNTRY FROM BANKRUPTCY.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., March 5th, 1864.
+
+This gray-headed pen of mine, my boy,--which is mightier than the
+sword, inasmuch as it can, itself, "draw" the sword when it chooses,
+quite as accurately as any pencil-vanian,--has run the blockade
+recently imposed upon it, and once more gambols nervously down the
+lines of contemporaneous military history. When first I heard that
+aphorism of the elegant and ghostly Bulwer, by which the sober sceptre
+of the scribe is magnified above the fancy-dress weapon of the hero, I
+took it to be like any other high-sounding sentiment of the stage,
+whereby the poor but virtuous editor was nobly and improvingly
+encouraged to believe himself rather more powerful in this universe
+than all its great captains put together. Being a child of the pen
+myself, I felt benignantly inflated by the venerable "Richelieu's"
+excellent remark, and looked with much generous pity upon a crushed
+young army officer in the box next to mine; but, at the same time, I
+remember that it reminded me of the exceedingly moral popular delusion
+making starving virtue a much pleasanter and more admirable thing to
+possess than a king's crown; and I also remember how it thereupon
+dawned upon me, that the pen was possibly mightier than the sword only
+in the far-removed sense of Might being Write. Since I have lived in
+Washington, however, I have learned, my boy, that the sentiment in
+question is capable of demonstration as a very plain fact; seeing, as I
+do, that off-hand strokes of the pen can in a very few minutes promote
+into Major Generals and Brigadiers certain pleasing brass-buttoned
+chaps whose actual swords could never have done as much for them in all
+their lives. And yet, my boy, if all those powerful, unsordid
+creatures, our country editors, had their youths to live over again, I
+verily believe that two-thirds of them would sooner be put to the sword
+than put to the pen. Such is man!
+
+Nevertheless, mighty as the pen may be, it must fail equally with the
+well-known Southern Confederacy to do justice to this Capital of our
+distracted country in its present social peculiarities. The cackling of
+geese once saved the Capitol of the Roman Empire, my boy; but it will
+take more geese than those who have come hither with the expectation of
+being respected for their virtues, to save Washington from permanent
+investment by all the speculative chaps on earth who have no other
+capital to invest. The present social circle around the family hearth
+of this Capitalian and Congressional town, my boy, is somewhat more
+remarkable than it was, even in the palmiest and most mutually abusive
+days of our eloquent National Legislature, and fully equals the
+frequent domestic symposium of Albany when the State Legislature meet
+_there_. Look into a Washington home, and you shall find the venerable
+grandfather, who sits nearest the fire, talking and chuckling to
+himself over his success that day in depreciating the national currency
+by first frightening a country squire on the street almost into fits by
+prating learnedly about "repudiation," and then buying all his treasury
+notes from him at fifty per cent. discount! Next sits the younger
+husband and father, cataloguing to his devoted wife, with the
+forefinger of his right hand upon all the fingers of his left, the
+successive pecuniary advantages sure to accrue from a contract he has
+just obtained to supply our national troops with patent suspenders, and
+which will enable him to return to New York in the spring, purchase a
+palatial residence on Fifth Avenue, and sign urgent and influential
+calls for Peace Conventions. Thirdly, my boy, we have the interesting
+wife and mother who listens to her lord and master's revelation with
+beaming satisfaction, glancing occasionally at her youthful son and
+heir, who, with two thimbles, is practising upon the rug at her feet
+the curious and ingenious game of the "Little Joker," whereby he hopes
+to reap profit from his small associates on the morrow. The fourth
+figure of this prayerful group around the home altar is the highly
+elaborated daughter, reading over her lover's shoulder, from a
+newspaper held conveniently by him, a spicy, exciting, moral tale of a
+daring spirit who had sold a sloop-load of hay, just as it floated, to
+the Government, and then--when he had got his pay--set fire to it and
+burnt the whole concern so effectually, that very few could presume to
+think that at least two-thirds of it had been old straw.
+
+It is a noble and beautiful thing to remember, or note, my boy, that
+the true and real Home,--the shrine of parental Love and Honor, and of
+childhood's Innocence and fearless trust,--is ever held sanctified by
+an unseen angel-circle, into which a few men can bring even so much of
+the scheming outer world as its cares; that its name, long, perhaps,
+after it has ceased to be, lives for our voices only in that plaintive
+medium tone, which, like the master-string of an instrument responding
+to a passionate touch, sums up, by its very cadence, all the noblest
+music of a life.
+
+It is this state of things in Washington that greatly confuses the
+stranger, and causes him to make strange and horrible mistakes as to
+personal identities. On Monday afternoon, as I stood musing in front of
+Willard's, after a dispassionate conversation with the Conservative
+Kentucky Chap as to the probability of Kentucky's consenting to the
+setting apart of the first of January as New-Year's day, I overheard a
+conversation between a middle-aged chap of much vest pattern from the
+rural districts, and one of the Provost Marshal's disguised detectives.
+The rural chap chewed a wisp of straw which he had been using as a
+toothpick, and says he:
+
+"That gentleman in a broad-brim hat, going along on the other side of
+the street, is a prominent New York politician,--is he not?"
+
+The detective involuntarily rattled a pair of miniature handcuffs which
+were hanging from his watch-chain, and says he:
+
+"Ha! ha! truly! That's a queer mistake. Why, that's Nandy Brick, the
+incendiary and negro-killer."
+
+Not at all discouraged by this failure at guessing, my boy, the rural
+chap glanced knowingly at another passer-by, and says he:
+
+"Well, this here other one who just went by is the French Minister, I
+believe?"
+
+"Really!" says the detective, with a slight cough, "Really, you're
+wrong again, for that's 'Policy Loo,' the notorious Mexican murderer
+and thief."
+
+The rural chap bit his right thumb-nail irritatedly, and says he:
+
+"At any rate, I know who yonder tall, gentlemanly person in the black
+gloves is. It's a famous leader of fashions from Fifth Avenue."
+
+The detective opened his eyes widely at this, and says he:
+
+"Why, there you miss it again. I think I ought to know 'Slippery Jim,'
+who got that fat contract to supply the army with caps, and made half
+of them of shoddy."
+
+The chap from the rural districts seemed very much ashamed of himself,
+my boy, for doing such a wrong to our admirable and refined Best
+Society; but he was bound to try it once more, and so says he, shortly:
+
+"Perhaps you'll tell me that fleshy individual in a black silk vest,
+coming this way, an't the British Minister?"
+
+"Wrong again, by thunder!" says the detective; "for all the world knows
+that respectable cove to be 'Neutral John,' the celebrated rebel-spy
+and blockade-runner."
+
+Indeed, appearances go so entirely by contraries here, that I really
+fear, my boy,--I really fear, that many of our veritable great
+politicians, diplomatists, and Missouri Delegates, are frequently taken
+for unmitigated rogues by blundering amateurs in physiognomy.
+
+It was on Wednesday that the Venerable Gammon being seized with a fresh
+and powerful inspiration to confer a new benefaction on his favorite
+infant, his country, came post haste from his native Mugsville, and was
+quickly blessing the idolatrous populace in front of the Treasury
+Buildings with some knowledge of his benevolent scheme for paying the
+cost of the War.
+
+"War?" says the Venerable Gammon, fatly,--pronouncing the word as
+though he had just invented it for the everlasting benefit of some poor
+but virtuous language,--"War costs money, and money costs gold. What we
+want is gold, to pay for the money that pays for the war. And where
+shall we get that gold?" says the Venerable Gammon, with a smile of
+knowing beneficence.
+
+"By reference to a California journal, I find that California and
+Nevada contain about twenty columns of gold mines, and that each mine
+is worth so many millions that its directors are obliged to levy daily
+assessments of Five, Ten, and Twenty-five cents per share, or 'loot,'
+in order that the shareholders, in their immense wealth, may not forget
+that their distracted country has a decimal currency to be countenanced
+and supported. Now I propose," says the Venerable Gammon, magisterially
+pulling out his ruffles with his fat thumb and forefinger, "I propose
+that the War debt and the board of our Major Generals be paid by an
+especial tax on these mines, thus"--
+
+"Killing the goose which lays the golden egg," broke in an aged
+Treasury Clerk standing near, whose countenance possessed all the
+oppressive respectability that large spectacles and a pimple on the
+nose can possibly bestow.
+
+The Venerable Gammon was hereupon seized with such a violent fit of
+coughing that farther argument was impracticable; and it is not decided
+to this day whether it would be in keeping with the eternal fitness of
+things to tax the miners to pay the majors.
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER CI.
+
+    EXPLAINING THE WELL-MEANT DUPLICITY OF THE JOURNALS OF THE
+    OPPOSITION; AFFORDING ANOTHER GLIMPSE OF THE IRREPRESSIBLE
+    CONSERVATIVE SENTIMENT; AND SHOWING HOW THANKSGIVING DAY WAS KEPT
+    BY THE MACKERELS.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., Dec. 10th, 1864.
+
+Thanksgiving Day, my boy, is an able-bodied national festival which has
+dwelt unctuously in all my less spiritual annual reminiscences, since
+that poetical and beautiful time of life when the touching innocence of
+childhood tempted me to surreptitiously pick a chicken-leg while my
+good grandfather was asking a blessing; and to receive therefor that
+wholesome box of the ears, which not unfrequently imparts a temporary
+and excessive warmth to the brain of virtuous boyhood. 'Tis sweet to
+remember that old-fashioned Thanksgiving Eve, my boy, when the
+venerable and widowed Mrs. McShane, our cook, would renew her annual
+custom of inveigling us children into the kitchen on pretence of
+admiring our new shoes; and then proceed, by divers artful and
+melancholy phrases, to darken our little souls with a heart-sickening
+conviction of her utter failure to procure, in her recent trip to
+market, that long-anticipated Turkey! 'Tis pleasant to recollect how
+entirely we were cast down thereat, and how rigidly we refrained from
+so much as a single glance toward the old "Dresser," whereon stood the
+well-known market-basket of Mrs. McShane, with the plump legs of the
+choicest of gobblers protruding very obviously therefrom! 'Tis joyous
+to recall how we stared mercilessly at every possible thing in the
+kitchen except that "Dresser;" and how desolately we received certain
+sadly-philosophical remarks from Mrs. McShane, as to the unspeakable
+admiration assuredly merited by those "rale good childers," who could,
+for one Thanksgiving Day, endure starvation without tears.
+
+The little deception was most tenderly and kindly meant, my boy; it was
+the artless roguery of a dear old heart--the gentlest of cheats--the
+fondest of frauds; and the very remembrance of it, at this remote
+moment, not only fills my manly bosom with the softest charity, but
+endows me with a nicer mental perception of actual good in seeming
+wickedness, than any yet disclosed by my more obtuse fellow-countrymen.
+
+Thus, my boy, when I note how some of our excellent Democratic daily
+journals attempt to prove, with great sadness of manner and profound
+sincerity of reluctant reasoning, that all the celebrated advances,
+conquests, and flankings of our remarkable national armies are really
+so many heart-breaking defeats in deep disguise; and that the
+well-known Southern Confederacy is actually quite intoxicated with its
+continued remorseless successes over us; when I note this, my boy, I am
+moved to pleasant tears over that inherent and ineradicable goodness of
+human nature, which instinctively inspires the nobler of our species to
+first delude their fellow-beings to despondency with the most innocent
+of falsehoods, only that their consummate bliss may be the greater when
+the glorious truth can no longer be thus fondly concealed. Join with
+me, my boy, in a noble tribute of affection to the humble but tender
+Editors of these excellent Democratic daily journals, who would
+lovingly make us, children of the nation, believe, that the Turkey of
+Victory is not to be had at any price, though none of us need look very
+far to see the plump legs of that very same turkey sticking out of the
+family-basket. Thanks to thee, thou dear old Mrs. McShane, with thy
+perpetual atmosphere of roast-beef gravy, and eternal rims of crusted
+flour about thy finger-nails--thanks be to thee for that humanizing
+remembrance of thy loving fraud, which thus enables me to rescue our
+excellent Democratic daily journals from the unseemly imputations of
+degenerate Black Republicans.
+
+My long absence with our somewhat tedious national troops, my
+boy,--troops now constituting a flaming about the throat of this
+exciting Rebellion;--my long absence, I say, has given this Capital
+City of our distracted country an opportunity to thrive apace in the
+development of those public and private virtues, which so thoroughly
+unpopularize Vice in this chaste locality, that even the Vice President
+is never heard of. True it is, that one misses those pleasant and
+gorgeous chaps of much watch-chain and an observable extent of diamond
+breastpin, who were wont, in the days of genial Southern preponderance,
+to lend lustre to the hall-ways of the more majestic hotels, and
+occasionally induce the inebriated son of Chivalry to join them at Faro
+his table. We miss these light and airy chaps, each of whom is now an
+unblushing Confederacy without hope of Reconstruction; we miss the high
+and lofty Carolina chap of much hat-brim, whose playful moments after
+the bottle were now and then illustrated with a lively shot from a
+revolver at a waiter, or cheerful pass with a bowie-knife at his
+opponent in conversation. And oh! we miss those languishing magnolia
+belles, whose eyes always reminded me of fresh drops of ink on tinted
+paper, and whose beautiful belief in the utter vulgarity of all
+Northern ladies it was really quite delightful to hear. Yes, my boy,
+all, all are gone; but we have in their places such representatives of
+genuine republican simplicity as you shall not see again in a circuit
+of the globe. Our hotel-halls are brightened by youthful forms in the
+self-sacrificing uniform of our national army; and these youthful
+forms, being mostly from the country, confine their innocent gaming,
+almost exclusively, to the athletic game of "checkers." The prominent
+walking-gentlemen of Willard's wear black velvet vests all the year
+round, and, so far from shooting waiters, are always on the most
+familiar terms with that oppressed race; joking freely with them and
+recognizing them as intimate equals, as all genuine citizens of a true
+Republic should do. And as for our present Washington ladies,--wearing
+Lisle-thread gloves at the dinner-table and putting almonds and raisins
+into their pockets before leaving it, God bless 'em!--why they know no
+more of anything vulgar, than a maniac does of insanity.
+
+Reflecting upon these things, on Monday last, my boy, I strolled
+abstractedly into an establishment where they sell army stores, such as
+lemons by the slice, sugar by the half-ounce, etc. I strolled dreamily
+in, when who should I see at the crockery-counter but the Conservative
+Kentucky chap, whose hat was very far down over his eyes, like one who
+has just come through a severe election. He appeared to be taking
+Richmond at the moment, my boy, with a spoon in it; and as quickly as I
+entered, he let the hand grasping it fall suddenly down on his obverse
+side, and gave his entire and most unremitting attention to the picture
+of a flesh-colored young lady on the farthest wall. I slapped him on
+the shoulder, and says I:
+
+"Well, my ancient Talleyrand, how are we?"
+
+The Conservative Kentucky chap gloomily placed his tumbler upon the
+stomach of a gentleman in checked pants, who was calmly sleeping on
+three chairs near the stove, and says he: "Kentucky can no longer blind
+herself to the fact that we are on the brink of a monikky. Yes!"
+exclaimed the Conservative chap,--wildly tearing off his hat, and then
+putting it on again so that it entirely covered his left eye,--"Yes,
+sir, a monikky with a Yankee for its Austrian tyrant!"
+
+Here the Conservative Kentucky chap deliberately buttoned his coat to
+the very neck, turned up his collar, and gazed sternly at a bowl of
+cloves near by. I called his attention to the Ten of Spades, which was
+edging itself down between his hat and his right ear, and says I,--
+
+"Hast proof of this, Horatio?"
+
+"Proof?" says the Conservative Kentucky chap, with such a start that
+the gentleman in the checked pants vibrated as though sleeping on
+springs,--"Proof? You know Smith,--John Smith,--that little apothecary
+from Connecticut? Well, sir, he voted in this here last election for
+the Austrian usurper, and now he's knighted! Yes, sir, by A. Lincoln's
+recommendation he's now SIR JOHN SMITH!! I've heard him called so
+myself. And this--this--is Kentucky's reward!"
+
+At this crisis the Conservative Kentucky chap shut the stove-door with
+great violence, and seemed for a moment to meditate personal outrage on
+the young assistant oysterer, who had just arrived with the
+coal-skuttle.
+
+Before I could make rejoinder, my boy, there approached us a
+middle-aged gentleman in a shocking bad hat and an overcoat very shiny
+about the seams, who had cordially invited himself to take a little
+something that morning, and had accepted the invitation with pleasure.
+Straightening himself suddenly, with a violent start, to restrain an
+unruly hiccup, or make me believe that he made the noise with his feet,
+he eyed the Conservative chap with a benignant smile, and says he:
+
+"You're mistaken there, sir,--muchly, sir, hem! Mr. Smith is my friend,
+sir; my bosom friend, till time shall end.--Beautiful idea, that.--My
+friend, I say; and he's only been appointed to the medical department
+by recommendation of the President.--Let nature do her best, and then
+your doctors are of use to men.--Byron.--Yes, sir, Mr. Smith is now a
+military doctor; and that's how you've made the mistake. You thought it
+was 'Sir John' Smith they said, when it was '_Sur-geon_' Smith!"
+
+As he said this, the middle-aged gentleman became aware that one of his
+toes was sticking very much through his boot, and retired to
+confidentially ask the assistant oysterer if any one had yet found
+that valuable diamond scarf-pin which he (the middle-aged gentleman)
+had recently lost.
+
+I looked at the Conservative Kentucky chap, my boy, and his chin had
+sunk down upon his breast. He felt that his mistake was also the
+mistake of Kentucky, and his heart was too full for further
+conversation.
+
+'Twas on Thursday morn,--Thanksgiving Day,--that I blithely scaled the
+heights of my faithful Gothic steed, the architectural Pegasus, and
+softly urged that ruined temple of a horse to trot me a lively
+reminiscence of his youth. Forward we went with a unique, chopping
+motion, with now and then a stumble to keep the blood in circulation,
+interpersed with occasional plunges at stumps and shyings at fluttering
+withered leaves. When you have mounted a beloved horse, on a fine,
+bracing autumnal morning, my boy, did you ever feel like a kind of new
+and superior being; as though you and your steed were one consummate
+individual, inspired by one bounding, uncontrollable impulse, and
+impatiently regarding the line of the horizon as a tyrannical limit to
+a ride that should else tear gallantly and recklessly forth into
+illimitable space? Did you ever feel thus, my boy?...
+
+Because, if you did, your feelings were not at all like mine.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+Onward we go, like a wrecked centaur before the wind, and soon these
+eager eyes behold once more the camp of the aged and thrice-valiant
+Mackerel Brigade. Far and near, the spectacles of the decrepit veterans
+are flashing in the sun; whilst before them is the much-besieged City
+of Paris, and behind them (in consequence of recent rains) the storied
+waters of Duck Lake. The veterans are clustered around Paris, my boy,
+like so many exceedingly thirsty chaps around the tall and well-spiked
+fence inclosing a cherished pump, and if ever they get at it, they will
+at least drink it dry. Scarcely had I reined-in, near the edge of Duck
+Lake, where certain members of Rear Admiral Head's iron-plated mackerel
+squadron were discharging cases and barrels by the score,--scarcely had
+I dismounted from the Gothic Pegasus and hitched him to the body of a
+slumbering Mackerel chap, who had already overdone his Thanksgiving,
+when I beheld Captain Villiam Brown approaching, on his geometrical
+steed, the angular Euclid. Following him, but on foot, was Captain Bob
+Shorty in command of the famous Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade.
+
+"Ha!" says Villiam, leaping down to meet me in dreadful entanglement
+with his sword, and hastily plunging into his bosom a small black
+bottle of regulation cough-drops, "have you flown hither like an narrer
+from a bow, to view the sublime spectacle of the troops at their feed?
+Ah!" says Villiam, quickly clasping his hands to save the bottle from
+slipping out of his breast-pocket, "the beautiful pageant of a nation
+feasting these martial beings on turkey, is something for besotted
+Europe to tremble at. Next to serving up ice-cream to the sailors in a
+gale of wind at sea, this"--
+
+Here a venerable Mackerel tottered from the ranks, and says he: "Is
+them the birds in them ere cases and barrels, Capting?"
+
+Villiam attempted to rattle his sword threateningly at this
+interruption; but observing that the hilt of his weapon had got around
+to his spine, he rattled the keys in his pockets instead, and says he:
+
+"How now, Sarah!"
+
+(He meant to say "sirrah," my boy,--he meant to say "sirrah;" having
+recently learned, from the perusal of a moral tale in one of our
+excellent weekly journals of exciting romance, that said aristocratic
+term is of frequent occurrence in all the conversations of the great.)
+
+"Why," says the aged Mackerel, coughing into his hand, "if them's the
+turkeys the people have sent us for Thanksgiving, we're ready for 'em."
+
+"You're right, Sarah," says Villiam, magnanimously, "and we'll open
+this first case at once. The trade-mark of this case," says Villiam,
+learnedly, "is '50 Turkeys with Care.'"
+
+They were prying the lid off, my boy, with bayonets, and the eyes of
+the surrounding Mackerels had commenced to glisten fierily through
+their spectacles, when I saw Villiam and Captain Bob Shorty exchange
+looks of deep meaning, and shake their heads like a couple of
+melancholy mandarins.
+
+"Robert S.," says Villiam, with a look of deep perplexity, "this is
+indeed a strange oversight."
+
+Captain Bob Shorty shook his head sadly.
+
+"And yet," says Villiam, sternly, "we must tell these beings about it."
+
+"There's no avoiding it, by all that's Federal!" murmured Captain Bob
+Shorty.
+
+Captain Villiam Brown sighed deeply, and says he:
+
+"Soldiers, the people of the United States of America meant well in
+sending such beautiful birds for our Thanksgiving bankwick; but they've
+made a strange mistake. Really," says Villiam, toying with the cork of
+the bottle of cough-drops, as it protruded from his ruffles,--"really,
+I find, that _not one of these Turkeys is stamped_!"
+
+At this juncture the same old Mackerel again stepped forward, and asked
+if the turkeys came by mail?
+
+"No," says Villiam, with much sympathy of manner. "I don't mean
+postage-stamps, but the Internal Revenue. Turkeys," says Villiam,
+reasoningly, "come under the head of 'Unnecessary Luxuries,' and are
+not legal unless stamped. But," says Villiam, with sudden benignity,
+"your officers possess the necessary stamps, and will sell them to you
+at twenty-five cents apiece."
+
+It was a beautiful proof of the untiring vigilance and energy of our
+national regimental officers, my boy, that they happened to have the
+stamps on hand just as they did; though, if there happened to be stamps
+required on geese, I am afraid that every Mackerel who paid his
+twenty-five cents would come in for one of those chaste little pictures
+on himself.
+
+And now, the stamps being purchased and the New England eagles
+distributed, there commenced such a scene of martial revelry and
+good-nature as the world never saw before. In every direction--at the
+openings of tents--around open-air fires--everywhere, the jolly
+festival went on.
+
+Strolling to the outer picket-line, I saw a Mackerel chap lay aside his
+gun, seat himself upon the ground, and commence handling a nice little
+turkey which had just been brought to him by a comrade. He smacked his
+lips audibly, my boy, and was just in the act of tearing off a
+"drumstick" when I saw him suddenly look up to a point ahead of him,
+and instantly cease all motion. Curious to know what had thus
+fascinated him, as it were, and so abruptly checked his feast, I also
+looked in that direction.
+
+Right across the little field in front of us, seated on the last
+remaining post of a ruined fence, was a ragged Confederacy, in a
+perfect whirlpool of tatters, who had rested his musket upon the
+ground, and was alternately gnawing an army biscuit and casting longing
+looks toward his happier enemy. He was a dreadfully thin, hollow-eyed
+chap, my boy, and shivered in the cold. The Mackerel stared at him
+without motion for some minutes, and then commenced to handle his
+turkey again. Then he stared again, dropped his turkey, picked it up,
+and finally rose to his feet impatiently--looked toward his nearest
+comrade--and then seated himself with his back toward the Confederacy.
+Still the latter gnawed and looked longingly. The Mackerel said,
+"damme!" quite distinctly and stoutly, and vigorously grasped at a
+"drumstick" again. He gave it a twist, paused, wavered, and _looked
+over his shoulder_.
+
+In another instant, my boy, that Mackerel sprang to his feet, faced
+about, shouted:
+
+"I'll do it, by G--d! if I swing for it"--dashed across the field like
+a stark madman, and, before the astonished Confederacy could budge an
+inch, had hurled the turkey into his arms and was tearing back to his
+own post.
+
+There is a chivalry, my boy, that makes a man a hero with the sword of
+a patriot, or bears him triumphantly through perils and obstacles to
+the arms of the bride he has won. There is a chivalry that inspires a
+man to spurn with contempt the fortune not fraught with all honor, and
+gives him the graces of a gentleman through all the glooms and burdens
+of honest poverty. But in that grander Chivalry native to the soul,
+which raises the tenderness of our best humanity far above the highest
+point all enmity can reach, and lets it fall, like God's own dew, upon
+the other side, none, none more fairly ever won a knighthood, than that
+poor Mackerel picket-guard on last Thanksgiving Day.
+
+Yours, gently,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER CII.
+
+    SHOWING THE INGENIOUS FINANCIAL ENERGY OF A GREATLY-REDUCED
+    POLITICIAN; AND DESCRIBING A COMBAT, ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE
+    PHILOSOPHICAL CONTENTMENT OF THE WELL-KNOWN SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY
+    UNDER ALL REVERSES.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., Dec. 17th, 1864.
+
+It is a sublime thing, my boy,--a high moral and exciting thing,--to
+note a wealthy nation's outburst of gratitude to Providence and our
+national military organization, for a succession of Mackerel triumphs
+without parallel either in history or her story. As I look abroad upon
+the exulting hosts of our distracted fellow-countrymen from an upper
+front window of Willard's,--having first wafted a fascinating salute to
+the pleasing young woman of much back hair at a window across the
+avenue,--as I look abroad, my boy, upon this whole remarkable people, I
+am deeply impressed with a sense of that beautiful, national
+characteristic which makes us all buoyant over Mackerel victories only
+as they bring us nearer to virtuous peace and universal brotherhood,
+and am convinced that our otherwise inexpressible thankfulness to
+Heaven may be divided into two equal parts:
+
+ I. An ardent desire to destroy combined Europe.
+
+II. A disposition to set fire to combined Europe, bringing off the
+women and children in small boats.
+
+Hah, hah! does combined Europe tremble? Does C. E. offer a certain sum
+to be let off?
+
+"Shall I ever forget, my boy, the recent terrible remark of that grim
+old sea-dog, Rear Admiral Head, just after that late tremendous capture
+of Fort Piano, on Duck Lake, by the Mackerel Chalybeate
+squadron,--shall I ever forget it?
+
+"Chip my turret!" says that venerable salt, in his iron-plated
+manner,--"Chip my turret if I couldn't take my flag-ship, the
+'_Aitch_,' and crush Europe like a perishing insect,--unrivet my plates
+if I couldn't!"
+
+But why should I dwell upon the dreadful suggestions of a theme like
+this? Europe--crowded Europe--millions of people--bright summer
+morning--everybody in the streets--Bang! whiz!--Great combinations of
+the Lieutenant General--Victoria and Louis N., do you surrender?--We
+DO!
+
+Solemnly do I say to you, my boy, let us mix plenty of this sort of
+thing in our devout gratitude to Providence for His mercies to us as a
+people, and henceforth we may confidently count upon the support of
+Providence--Rhode Island.
+
+Fairly and benignantly shone the blessed sun over valley and hill on
+the morning of that recent memorable day when I scaled the
+architectural heights of my Gothic Pegasus, and turned his
+front-elevation toward the Mackerel camp before the much-banged City of
+Paris. Brightly gleamed the fluted roof of my ancient pile of a steed
+as he went blithely forward on three legs, keeping one in reserve in
+case of accident: joyous was the alacrity with which he waltzed an
+imitative earthquake and tossed his child's-coffin of a head. The
+exhilaration of the motion, the proud sense of being borne again, might
+ultimately have plunged me into a delicious dream of being divided into
+two parts, my boy, had I not suddenly discovered, on the road-side,
+some twenty yards ahead of me, the figure of a being seated upon a
+camp-stool. Hastily dismounting from my architectural animal, and tying
+him to an oak in such a manner that he presented somewhat the
+perspective of a modest country church with a tree before the door, I
+stole carefully upon the being in my front, and found it to be the
+Conservative Kentucky chap, engaged in the muscular game of "Bluff"
+with himself.
+
+His venerable hat, my boy, sat far down over his ears, like some shabby
+bird of night just stooping to carry off two oysters; a curious
+antiquity in the shape of a black stock loomed gloomily under his chin,
+as a memorial sepulchre in which some departed collar was supposed to
+be sacredly entombed; his face was toward Kentucky, and in his hands he
+was vivaciously shuffling a number of cards.
+
+"Hum, hem!" soliloquized the Conservative Kentucky chap,
+complacently--"ten of spades--king of diamonds--king of hearts--ace of
+clubs--ace of hearts--ace of"--
+
+Here the Conservative Kentucky chap uttered an absolutely startling
+cough and, at the same instant, passed three of the aces up his left
+sleeve!
+
+"Yes," said the Conservative Kentucky chap, still to himself, "the
+pasteboards are all right--hem!--it's your deal. Ah! ten is it?--I'll
+go twenty better--forty--sixty! Hem! Ace and two Kings is it? Look
+here--three aces! Good-night, gents."--and the Conservative Kentucky
+chap at once sang, with triumphant and great effect:
+
+    "Four years the war have looked upon,
+      But haven't brought the end meant;
+    Nor anything except the Constitutional Amendment;
+        Oh, Kentucky! an't this a go, Kentucky?
+        Oh, Kentucky! an awful blow, Kentucky!"
+
+As the last note of exquisite melody died away upon the air, I slapped
+him on the shoulder, and says I:
+
+"Well done, my son of Hoyle!"
+
+The Conservative Kentucky chap sprang wildly to his feet, my boy,
+simultaneously "making a pass" of the cards into his pocket, and
+commenced dancing insanely before me with a view of hiding from my
+notice the four of clubs, which he had dropped to the ground and was
+anxious to conceal in the mud.
+
+"Ha! ha!" observed the Conservative Kentucky chap, somewhat
+hysterically, in the midst of his dance; "of course you didn't see what
+I was doing?"
+
+Then it was, my boy, that I folded my arms after the manner of Hamlet,
+threw forward my right knee, shook my head profoundly thrice, and
+murmured, with the poet:
+
+    "Were his old mother near him now, how would that mother grieve,
+    To see two aces in his hand,--another up his sleeve."
+
+"My mother!" exclaimed the Conservative Kentucky chap, suddenly
+descending into Cimmerian gloom; "Kentucky is my mother, and from her
+maternal fount I drew the old rye of my existence. But now, Kentucky
+becomes a indigent pauper under the Constitutional Amendment and the
+failure of the Bankrupt Bill, and I find myself compelled to take to
+bluff and poker in the prime of life." Here the poor chap made a move
+toward tearing his hair, but thought better of it and only scratched a
+pimple on his chin.
+
+Arm in arm we walked slowly forward together, each busied with his own
+thoughts, until, from a clump of trees by the road-side, there
+unexpectedly emerged before us that ornament of our national service
+known as Captain Bob Shorty, with his cap at a fierce cock, his hands
+in his pockets, and a supernaturally knowing air clothing him as with a
+garment.
+
+"By all that's Federal!" said Captain Bob Shorty, starting at sight of
+me, "if I didn't take you at first for that ere Confederacy of the name
+of Munchausen, which has privately appointed to meet me here in single
+combat."
+
+"Why then, really, you know," observed the Conservative Kentucky chap,
+suddenly coming forward and pleasantly rubbing his hands, "really it
+would be a good plan for me to go forward and meet him with a view to
+peace negotiations. Being a Confederacy, he is Kentucky's brother,"
+warbled the Conservative chap, with soft enthusiasm, "and I might tell
+him that you would pay all his debts, black his boots, run errands for
+him, and send the President to tell him a little story, if he would
+give up this conflict. Should he refuse, and even proceed to the
+extremity of kicking me," said the Conservative Kentucky chap, with
+awful sternness, "why, then, I should be in favor of letting the matter
+proceed to the bitter end,--as it had already in my own case."
+
+"I am not aweer," observed Captain Bob Shorty, "that you have any
+business in the matter at all, my old Trojan; but there's the road open
+to you."
+
+It was beautiful, my boy,--touchingly beautiful, and withal unctuous,
+to observe with what a benignant smile the peaceful Conservative
+Kentucky Chap departed up the road. We saw him reach a turn in the
+path, around which the sound of stately approaching footsteps was
+already becoming audible. We saw him turn it; heard all the footsteps
+cease; heard a confused murmur,--a sharp scratching as of heels upon
+gravel; and Kentucky's favorite son was observed to be coming again to
+his place, with a slight limp in his walk.
+
+Right behind him came a remarkable being attired in fragments of gray
+cloth and a prodigious thicket of whiskers, through the latter of which
+his eyes glared yellowly, like the bottles in an apothecary's shop down
+the street. As he approached nearer, he hastily put on a pair of
+partially-dissected white cotton gloves, and casually rearranged the
+strip of carpet-binding which served him as a full-dress cravat.
+
+"Yours, truly," said Captain Bob Shorty.
+
+"Vandal!" hissed Captain Munchausen, removing from his brow an
+unexampled conglomeration of rags in the last stages of cap, and
+handing it to a faithful contraband who attended him.
+
+"Why, then," said Captain Bob Shorty, doffing his own cap, and tucking
+up his sleeves, "in the name of the United States of America, I propose
+to move upon your works immediately."
+
+And now, my boy, do I particularly lament my lack of those unspeakable
+intellectual gifts, which enable the more refined reporters of all our
+excellent moral daily journals to describe the fistic achievements of
+the noted Arkansas Mule and celebrated Jersey Bantam in a manner that
+delights every well-conducted breakfast-table in the land, and
+furnishes exquisite reading for private families.
+
+Forward hopped Captain Bob Shorty, as though on springs,--his elbows
+neatly squared, his fists held up like a couple of apples on sticks,
+and his head poised as though it had just started to look round a
+corner. With fists to match, and eyes shining like the bottoms of glass
+bottles, the wary Munchausen scuffles cautiously back from him in a
+half circle. Now they make skips toward each other; and now they skip
+back. Anon an arm is raised, and is parried; and then they balance to
+partners; and then they hop back.
+
+I was gazing at all this, my boy, in speechless admiration, when
+suddenly I saw the dexter hand of Captain Bob Shorty pierce the enemy's
+lines, and explode with tremendous force on Munchausen's nose. For a
+moment there was a sound as of Confederate blasphemy, but in a moment
+the chivalric Munchausen was himself again.
+
+"Ah!" said Captain Bob Shorty, agreeably, "did you see the
+star-spangled banner that time?"
+
+"Sir," said Munchausen, with tears in his eyes, "I am thankful that my
+nose _is_ broken. It is a blessing; for I had nothing to smell with it,
+and only wasted my strength in its special defence."
+
+Here Captain Bob Shorty looked jovially at me, my boy, and says he, "By
+all that's Federal! an't he jolly?"
+
+"Come on to thy ruin," roared Munchausen from behind his rapidly
+increasing nose; and again the battle raged.
+
+Now did Captain Bob Shorty sidle to the left, with a view to flanking;
+but two columns of the enemy met him there. Next the agile Munchausen
+attempts, by a quick turn, to take him in the rear of his position, but
+finds a strong body of five divisions hurled upon his headquarters with
+an impetuosity that knocks out half his teeth.
+
+"Art satisfied, Horatio?" said Captain Bob Shorty, with more or less
+Bowery Theatre in his manner.
+
+An awful smile appeared upon what were left of the features of Captain
+Munchausen. It was so full of scorn, you know.
+
+"Sir," said he, with much chivalry of bearing, and some difficulty of
+utterance, "my jaw may be broken, but I thank fate for it. It's a long
+time since I had anything to eat with my mouth, and to defend it at all
+was useless."
+
+"Ha! ha! ha!" roared Captain Bob Shorty; "I really never did see
+anything so jolly."
+
+"Madman!" yelled Munchausen, "your destruction is decided!"
+
+Then were all the skips and hops repeated, my boy; with such ornamental
+bits of occasional fine art as the refined reporters of our excellent
+moral daily journals love to dwell fondly upon. Were I but such a
+reporter, I would describe the scene in a way to make you take it home
+to your children. But let me not waste time in lamentation; for, just
+then, a something heavy fell upon the right eye of Captain Munchausen,
+and effectually closed it for a week.
+
+"Ah!" said Captain Bob Shorty, pleasantly, "did you count the stars
+upon our Flag that time, my grayback?"
+
+"Sir," retorted Munchausen, staggering about, and wildly pulling
+handfuls of imperceptible hair out of invisible heads in the air,--"I
+consider the loss of that eye a blessing in disguise; for I can now
+concentrate my WHOLE strength on the other."
+
+"Well, now, really," said Captain Bob Shorty,--"really, you know, I
+never see anything half so jolly."
+
+"Extermination is now your doom," howled the Confederacy, reeling
+deliberately forward upon the first fist he met, and falling heavily to
+the ground with his other eye emphatically darkened.
+
+Instantly was Captain Bob Shorty at his side, exclaiming, "I'm sorry
+for this, old chap. I wish you'd only consented to stop before--EH?"
+ejaculated Captain Bob Shorty,--"what's that you say?"
+
+As true as I live and breathe, my boy,--as true as I live and
+breathe,--when Captain Bob Shorty put his ear to the mouth of the
+fallen Confederacy, he heard, slowly spoken, these remarkable words:
+
+"I'm--glad--this--has--happened--because--I--can--now--develop--my--
+REAL--resources--of----strength!!!"
+
+Yours, speechlessly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER CIII.
+
+    BEING ANOTHER AND FINAL CHRISTMAS REPORT; INCLUDING A SMALL STORY
+    FROM OUR UNCLE ABE; A CIRCULAR FROM THE SECRETARY OF STATE; A
+    SUPERNATURAL CAROL FROM SERGEANT O'PAKE; AND A TREMENDOUS GHOST
+    STORY FROM AN UNAPPRECIATED GENIUS.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., Dec. 27th, 1864
+
+Upon these holy anniversary-days of "Peace on Earth, good-will toward
+men," the American human mind is naturally prone to regret that the
+well-known Southern Confederacy still survives, in a degree, all its
+inexpressible spankings, and still compels the noblest of us to pour
+out our substitutes like water. You, my boy, have poured out your
+substitute; other great and good men have poured out _their_
+substitutes, and your devoted pockets bleed at every pour.
+
+O war! thirsty and strategical war! how dost thou pierce the souls of
+all our excellent Democratic journals, against whom the increased
+war-tax on whiskey is an outrage not to be mentioned without swearing.
+
+On Christmas-day, my boy, there came to this city a profound Democratic
+chap of much stomach, who wore a seal-ring about as large as a
+breakfast-plate, and existed in a chronic condition of having the bosom
+of his shirt unbuttoned to such a degree as to display picturesquely
+the red flannel underneath. He ran for Sheriff of Squankum last month,
+my boy; and having been defeated with great slaughter, concluded that
+all was gall and bitterness, and that he couldn't do better than come
+to Washington and improve the President's mind.
+
+At the time of the interview, our Honest Abe was sitting before the
+fire, peeling an apple with a jack-knife; and the fact that part of his
+coat-collar was turned inside, did not lessen in him that certain
+generous dignity which hale good-nature ever wears, as morning wears
+the sun.
+
+"Mr. President," says the profound Democratic chap, spitting with
+dazzling accuracy into a coal-hod on the opposite side of the room; "I
+call upon you to-day, sir, not as a politician, but as a friend. And as
+a friend, sir"--here the Democratic chap wore a high-moral look, and
+his shirt-bosom yawned as though eager to take all the world into the
+red-hot depths of his affectionate flannel heart,--"as a friend, sir, I
+feel bound to tell you, that your whole administrative policy is wrong;
+and as for your Emancipation Proclamation, it has had no effect at all,
+as I can see."
+
+Here the profound Democratic chap stuck a cheap bone eyeglass into his
+right eye, and seemed to think that he rather had him there.
+
+The Honest Abe peeled his apple, and says he:
+
+"Neighbor, the sane men of all parties think differently from you in
+that matter."
+
+"That proves, I suppose," says the Democratic chap, wrathfully, "that
+I'm a lunatic."
+
+The Honest Abe ate a piece of apple, and says he:
+
+"Not at all, neighbor; not all; nothing so serious as that. But talking
+about what a difference of opinion 'proves,'" says the Honest Abe,
+balancing one boot upon the toe of the other, and smiling peacefully at
+his jack-knife; "talking about what it 'proves,' reminds me of a small
+tale:
+
+"When I was a law-student out in Illinois, and wore spectacles to
+appear middle-aged and respectable, we had in our district-court the
+case of a venerable Sucker, who was prosecuting another man for
+spreading a report that he was insane, and greatly damaging his
+business thereby. The defendant made reply, that he had honestly
+supposed the plaintiff to be insane on one point, at least, and that
+was the motion of the world around the sun. This motion was denied _in
+toto_ by the plaintiff, who had frequently, of late, greatly astonished
+everybody and shocked the schoolmaster, by persisting in the assertion
+that the world did not spin round at all, inasmuch as _he_ had never
+seen it spin round.
+
+"Various witnesses were called for both sides," says the Honest Abe,
+pleasantly scratching his chin; "various ones were called, to testify
+as to whether such difference of opinion from all the rest of mankind
+would seem to prove the insanity of the venerable Sucker; but nothing
+decisive was arrived at until old Doctor Dobbles was examined. Old
+Dobbles," says the Honest Abe, winking softly to himself, "was not
+quite such a teetotaler as may be told about in the 'Lives of the
+Saints,' and when he took the stand we expected something.
+
+"Says the Court to old Dobbles:
+
+"'In your opinion, doctor, does a man's denial that the world turns
+round, inasmuch as he has never seen it go round, prove his insanity?'
+
+"'No,' says Dobbles.
+
+"'Ah!' says the Court, 'what then?'
+
+"'Why,' says old Dobbles, deliberately, 'if a man denies that the world
+goes round, and has never _seen_ it go round, it simply proves that
+he--_never was drunk_.'
+
+"As it happened," says the Honest Abe, balancing his jack-knife on the
+tips of all his fingers; "as it happened that the Court himself had
+frequently seen the world go round, the justice of the idea flashed
+upon him at once, and the defendant was found guilty of six dollars'
+damages, and ordered to treat the Court.
+
+"Now," says the Honest Abe, with a winning smile, "I am far from
+inferring, neighbor, that you have never been intoxicated; but it seems
+to me, that when you say the Proclamation has had no effect at all, it
+proves you can't be speaking soberly."
+
+The profound Democratic chap came away, my boy, with a singing in his
+head, and has been so tremendously confused ever since, that he asked
+me this morning at Willard's, if I thought, that what we of war see is
+anything like what Thaddeus of Warsaw.
+
+On Monday, while I was on my way to the Mackerel camp, before Paris, to
+be present at the usual Christmas song-singing and story-telling in the
+tent of Captain Villiam Brown, I met an affable young chap, driving a
+wagon, in which were some thousands of what appeared to be
+newly-printed circulars. I knew that the young chap came from a large
+printing-office in the lower part of the city, and says I:
+
+"Tell me, my young Phæton, what have we here?"
+
+The affable young chap closed one eye waggishly at a handy young woman
+who was cleaning the upper windows of a house near by, and says he:
+
+"These here, are five thousand copies of a blank form, just printed
+down at our place for the State Department. And I should think," says
+the affable young chap, taking a dash at a small boy who had just "cut
+behind" his cart--"I should think that pile ought to last a month, at
+least, though the last one didn't."
+
+I made bold to examine a copy of the blank form in question, my boy,
+and found it to read as follows:
+
+    "CITY OF WASHINGTON, U.S.A., }
+    DEPARTMENT OF STATE.         }
+
+    "_Dear Sir_:
+
+    "_Permit me to beg you will inform the Government of ----, so
+    admirably represented by you, that the Government of the United
+    States entirely disapproves the action of the Commander of the
+    ----, in the matter of ---- ----, and will make whatever reparation
+    may be deemed adequate therefor by the Government of ----._
+
+    "_With the profoundest respect, I am your Excellency's most
+    obedient humble servant_,      ---- ----.
+
+    "HIS EXCELLENCY ---- ----.
+
+    MINISTER FROM ----."
+
+As I read this document, I thought to myself: Verily my distracted
+country's Secretary of State wishes to save as much writing as
+possible; and who knows but that he is like one of our own frontier
+riflemen, who kneels only that he may take the more deliberate aim at
+the heart of the wolf?
+
+And now, as I push on again for my destination, let me say to you, my
+boy, that few who read my wonderfully lifelike picture of Mackerel
+strategy and carnage, have any idea of the awful perils constantly
+assailing a reliable war-correspondent of the present day.
+
+Thus: during a great battle which I attended in Accomac, a piece of
+shell tore off my head,--that is to say, the head of my cane.
+
+At the second battle of Paris, while I was in the act of taking notes
+of the prevailing strategy, a cannon-ball took my legs off,--that is to
+say, the legs of my camp-stool.
+
+In the summer of '62, as I was sitting in the doorway of my tent, on
+the shores of Duck Lake, a case-shot, of immense size, entered my
+chest,--that is to say, the chest in which I carry my linen.
+
+Cherish me, my boy, make much of me; for there is no telling how soon
+some gory discharge of artillery may send me to join the angel-choir.
+
+But here we are in the tent of Captain Villiam Brown; and the manner in
+which the Mackerel officers are clustered about the round table in the
+centre, reminds me of flies around a lump of sugar--supposing a lump of
+sugar to be shaped exactly like a portly black bottle.
+
+Sergeant O'Pake rises with a manuscript in his band, and says he:
+
+"Comrades,--let me read to you a weird legend, of which I am the sole
+author and proprietor, and to which I would draw your most political
+attention."
+
+And the sergeant forthwith delivered this remarkable poetical report of
+
+    "THE IRISHMAN'S CHRISTMAS.
+
+    "Hic!"--TERENCE.
+
+    "Ould Mother Earth makes Irishmen her universal pride,
+    You'll find them all about the world, and ev'rywhere beside;
+    And good Saint Peter up above is often feeling tired,
+    Because of sainted Irishmen applying to be hired.
+
+    "Thus, being good and plentiful, 'tis proper we should find
+    A spacious house stuck full of them where'er we have a mind,
+    And unto such an edifice our present tale will reach,
+    With sixty nice, convaynient rooms--a family in each.
+
+    "No matter where it stands at all; but this we'll let you know,
+    It constitutes itself alone a fashionable row;
+    And when a bill of "Rooms to let" salutes you passing by,
+    You see recorded under it, "No Naygurs need apply."
+
+    "Now, Mr. Mike O'Mulligan and servant boarded here,--
+    At least, his wife at service spent a portion of the year,--
+    And when, attired in pipe and hod, he left his parlor-door,
+    You felt the country had a vote it didn't have before.
+
+    "Not much was M. O'Mulligan to festive ways inclined;
+    For chiefly on affairs of State he bent his giant mind;
+    But just for relaxation's sake he'd venture now and then,
+    To lead a jig, or break a head, like other Irishmen.
+
+    "Says Mrs. Mike O'Mulligan, when Christmas came, said she:
+    'Suppose we give a little ball this evening after tea;
+    The entry-way is broad enough to dance a dozen pairs,
+    And thim that doesn't wish to dance can sit upon the stairs.'
+
+    "'And sure,' said M. O'Mulligan, "'I don't object to that;
+    But mind ye ask the girls entire, and ev'ry mother's Pat;
+    I'd wish them all, both girls and boys, to look at me and see,
+    That, though I'm School Commissioner, I'm noways proud,' says he.
+
+    "The matter being settled thus, the guests were notified,
+    And none to the O'Mulligans their presences denied;
+    But all throughout the spacious house the colleens went to fix,
+    And left the men to clane themselves and twirl their bits of sticks.
+
+    "'Twas great to see O'Mulligan, when came the proper hour,
+    Stand smiling in the entry-way, as blooming as a flower,
+    And hear him to each lady say, 'Well now, upon me sowl!
+    Ye look more like an angel than like any other fowl.'
+
+    "And first came Teddy Finnigan, in collar tall and wide,
+    With Norah B. O'Flannigan demurely by his side;
+    And Alderman O'Grocery, and Councilman Maginn,
+    And both the Miss Mulrooneys, and the widowed Mrs. Flynn.
+
+    "The Rileys, and the Shaunesseys, and Murphys all were there,
+    Both male and female creatures of the manly and the fair;
+    And crowded was the entry-way to such a great degree
+    They had to take their collars off to get their breathing free.
+
+    "O'Grady with his fiddle was the orchestra engaged,
+    He tuned it on the banisters, and then the music raged;
+    'Now face your partners ev'ry man, and keep your eyes on me,
+    And don't be turning in your toes indacently,' says he.
+
+    "And when the dance began to warm, the house began to shake,
+    The windows, too, like loosen'd teeth, began to snap and break;
+    The stove-pipes took the ague fit, and clattered to the floors,
+    And all the knobs and keys and locks were shaken from the doors.
+
+    "The very shingles on the roof commenced to rattle out:
+    The chimney-stacks, like drunken men, insanely reeled about;
+    A Thomas cat upon the eaves was shaken from his feet,
+    And right and left the shutters fell into the startled street.
+
+    "It chanced as M. O'Mulligan was fixing something hot,
+    The spoon was shaken from his hand, as likewise was the pot;
+    The plaster from the ceiling, too, came raining on his head,
+    And like a railway-carriage danced the table, chairs, and bed.
+
+    "He tore into the entry-way, and 'Stop the jig!' says he:
+    'Its shakin' down the house ye are, as any one can see;'
+    But not a soul in all the swarm to dance at all forbore,
+    And thumping down their brogans came, like hammers on the floor.
+
+    "And then the house commenced to sway and strain and groan and crack,
+    And all the stairs about the place fell crashing, front and back;
+    The very air was full of dust, and in the walls the rats
+    Forgot, in newer perils found, all terror of the cats.
+
+    "Then swifter flew O'Grady's bow, and 'Mike, me lad,' he roared,
+    'They'll dance until they haven't left your floor a single board;
+    It's sperits that they are,' says he, 'and I'm a sperit, too;
+    And sperit, Mike O'Mulligan, is what we'll make of you!'
+
+    "'And sure,' said M. O'Mulligan, though turning rather pale,
+    'Its quite a handsome ghost ye are, and fit for any jail:
+    But tell me what I've done to you offinsive in the laste;
+    And if I don't atone for it, I'm nothing but a baste.'
+
+    "'It's faithless to Saint Tammany ye are,' O'Grady cried,--
+    And wilder, madder, grew the jig as he the fiddle plied,--
+    'It's faithless to Saint Tammany, who bids the Irishman
+    Attain the highest office in this country that he can.'
+
+    "'Och hone!' says poor O'Mulligan, 'it's pretty well I've done,
+    To be a School-Commissioner before I'm thirty-one;
+    'Tis barely just a year to-day since I set out from Cork,
+    And now, be jabers! don't I hold an office in New York?'
+
+    "'Why, true for you, O'Mulligan,' O'Grady roared again;
+    'But what's a School-Commissioner to what ye should have been?
+    It's County Clerk, the very laste, an Irishman should be,
+    And, since you're not, receive the curse of Good Saint Tammany!'
+
+    "Then wilder danced the spirit crew, the fiddler gave a scowl;
+    And scarce could fated Michael raise a good old Irish howl,
+    When all the timbers in the house went tumbling with a crash,
+    Reducing M. O'Mulligan to bits as small as hash!
+
+    "Take warning now, all Irishmen, of what may be your fate,
+    If you come home on Christmas-night an hour or so too late;
+    For sleeping on the garret stairs, and rolling down, may be
+    To you, as unto Mike, a dream of good Saint Tammany!"
+
+The deep, terror-stricken silence following this ghastly legend was
+suddenly broken, my boy, by a frenzied shriek from my frescoed dog,
+Bologna, who had followed me down from Washington, and whose stirring
+tail had been accidentally trodden upon by the absorbed Mackerel
+Chaplain. The picturesque animal, with a faint whine not unlike the
+squeaking of a distant saw, walked toward Captain Bob Shorty and gazed
+inquisitively for an instant into his face; then took earnest nasal
+cognizance of the boots of Captain Samyule Sa-mith; then sat for an
+instant on his haunches, with his tongue on special exhibition; and,
+finally, went out of the tent.
+
+"Ah!" exclaimed Captain Villiam Brown, who sat nearest the bottle, and
+had, for the past hour, been unaccountably shedding tears,--"how much
+is that dorg like human life, feller-siz'ns! Like him, we make a yell
+at our firz 'pearance. Like him, we make our firz advances to some
+brother-puppy. Like him, we smell the boots of our su-su-superiors.
+Like him, we put out our tongues to see warz marrer with us; and, at
+last, like him, we--(hic)--we go out."
+
+At the culmination of this sublime burst, Villiam again melted into
+tears, smiled around at us like a summer-sunset through a shower, and
+gracefully sank below the horizon of the table, like an over-ripe
+planet.
+
+"By all that's Federal!" said Captain Bob Shorty, "that was dying
+young, for Villiam; but who can tell whose turn it may be next? To
+guard against possibilities, my blue-and-gold Napoleons, I will at once
+proceed to read you a Christmas-story, written expressly for the
+Mackerel Brigade by my gifted friend, Chickens, who should be in every
+American library, and would like to be there himself. The genius of my
+friend, Chickens," says Captain Bob Shorty, enthusiastically, "cannot
+be bought for gold; but, in a spirit of patriotic self-sacrifice, he
+would take 'greenbacks,' if the sordid persons having control of the
+press should conclude to give him that encouragement which, I am
+indignant to say, they have hitherto, with singular unanimity of
+sentiment, entirely denied him. Indeed, my friend Chickens has, at
+times, been placed in charge of the police by certain editors with whom
+he has warmly argued the value of his talents, and I trust that the
+four shillings we have appropriated for our Christmas-story may be
+given him for the following tale." And Captain Bob Shorty proceeded to
+read:--
+
+    "THE GHOST'S ULTIMATUM.
+
+    "England, merry England! Land of our forefathers! Having seen
+    several attractive stereoscopic pictures of thee,--not to mention
+    various engravings,--I love thee! Yes, I am of passionate
+    temperament; I am thy fond American child; and I love thee. Ay, me
+    lud, we all love thee; and the best of us cannot pay the shortest
+    visit to thy shores without bringing back such a wholesome contempt
+    for everything at home, as none but affectionate American hearts
+    can feel. Having inherited the money realized by our deceased
+    paternal from his celebrated patent Fish-scales we put our aged
+    mother comfortably into the Old Ladies' Home, and fly to thee,
+    dear, dear motherland, by the most expensive steamer to be had.
+    Then we associate with the footmen of thy nobility, and go to see
+    thy dukes' houses while the dukes are absent, and ask the dukes'
+    housekeeper how much such a house costs, and come away stupefied
+    with the atmosphere of greatness. We return to America with
+    mutton-chop whiskers and our hands in our pockets, while our wife
+    wears a charity-boys' cap on her head, and carries a saddle-whip
+    forever in her left hand. We haven't seen the fashion-plates in the
+    London shop-windows for nothing. We find New York rather small.
+    There's no Tower, ye know, nor Abbey, nor Pell Mell, my dear boy.
+    What's Pell Mell? Oh, I suppose _you'd_ call it Pall Mall; ha, ha,
+    ha! quite provincial, to be sure. Really, this new Fifth-avenue
+    house of ours is not quite equal to the Earl of P.'s town-house;
+    but we can add a private theatre and a chapel, and make it do for a
+    while, eh? Day-day, Tomkins, my good fellow, how-de-do? How are
+    your poor feet? Ha, ha, ha, quite the joke in London society,
+    Tomkins. What's new? Yanks had another Bull Run? Every nobleman I
+    met in England is with the South, my dear boy, and so am I.
+
+    "O England! If I could but visit thee just once,--just a little
+    tiny bit of a once; but no matter, I haven't the money; never mind.
+    Honest poverty in this country will yet--but it's of no
+    consequence.
+
+    "Persons with money may have noticed, that as you turn from
+    Cheapside into Whitefriars, and go on past St. Paul's and the Horse
+    Guards into Pell Mell, keeping straight to the right to avoid
+    Waterloo Bridge and the Nelson Monument, you come to an English
+    house.
+
+    "At the particular period of which I write, the night of the 24th
+    of December was Christmas-eve in this house, and Mr. R. Fennarf had
+    just devoured a devilled kidney, some whitebait, a plate of
+    Newcastle pickled-salmon, and some warm wine and toast, as it is
+    believed customary for all English gentlemen of the better class to
+    do before going to bed. Having thus prepared commodious stabling
+    for a thoroughbred nightmare, he looked at his hands, looked at his
+    watch, looked at the fire-irons, looked at his slippers in
+    perspective, and at once fell into an English revery,--which
+    differs materially from an American one, as everybody knows, being
+    much superior.
+
+    "'Can it be,' said Mr. R. Fennarf to himself, 'that my pride was
+    really sinful, when I drove my daughter Alexandra from my house,
+    because she would have wed a potboy? It must be so; for I have not
+    seen a happy hour since then. Here is Christmas-eve, and here am I
+    a lone, lone man. Oh that by the endurance of some penalty, however
+    great, I might bring back my girl, and ask her forgiveness, and be
+    my old self again.'
+
+    "'Thy wish shall be granted!!!'
+
+    "This last terrible remark came from a being in white, with a red
+    silk handkerchief tied about the place where he was murdered.
+
+    "'Ah!' exclaimed Mr. R. Fennarf, 'have I the pleasure of seeing a
+    Ghost?'
+
+    "'You have,' said the being.
+
+    "'Wont you take a seat, Mr. G.?'
+
+    "'No,' sighed the spectre, 'I haven't time. I just dropped in to
+    let you know through what penance you might be enabled to atone for
+    your unjustifiable arrogance with your daughter, and recall her to
+    your side. Your sin was pride; your atonement must be humiliation.
+    You must get yourself Kicked!'
+
+    "'Kicked!' ejaculated R. Fennarf, in a great state of excitement;
+    'why, really, Mr. G., I would bear anything to gain my desire; but
+    that's rather a severe thing; and, beside, I don't know that I have
+    an enemy in the world to do the kicking for me--except it is the
+    potboy, and his legs are too short.'
+
+    "'Nothing but a kick will do,' said the Ghost, decidedly; 'and I
+    will help you to the extent of handing you this rod, by aid of
+    which you can transport yourself in any, or every, direction, until
+    the kick is obtained.'
+
+    "As the Ghost spoke, he laid a small black rod upon the table,
+    and--was gone.
+
+    "Mr. R. Fennarf fell into a revery: where could he go to make sure
+    of a kick? He might go out into the street and tweak the nose of
+    the first brother-Englishman he saw; but would that Englishman kick
+    him for it? No! He would only sue him next day for damages. No
+    Frenchman would kick a Britisher; because it is the policy of
+    France just now to appear immensely fond of all that's British. Nor
+    German. Nor Spaniard. 'Ah!' exclaimed Mr. R. Fennarf, joyously, 'I
+    have it! The very place for me is "the formerly-united Republic of
+    North America." They hate the very name of Englishman there. Read
+    the articles in their papers; hear the speeches at their meetings:
+    Oh, how they hate us! So here's a wave of the magic rod, and
+    wishing I may be transported to the presence of some good
+    England-hating Yankees. Hey, presto!'
+
+    "In an instant he found himself being announced, by a servant in
+    livery, to the company in the drawing-room of Mr. Putnon Ayres, of
+    Beacon Street, Boston, who is quite celebrated for having said some
+    thousands of times that England is the natural enemy of this
+    country, sir; the natural enemy, sir; and if war were declared
+    against England to-morrow, I, for one, sir, would close my store
+    and shoulder a gun myself, sir.
+
+    "'Now,' thought Mr. R. Fennarf, 'I shall be kicked, sure enough,
+    and have it over.'
+
+    "He couldn't help shrinking when he saw Mr. Putnon Ayres
+    approaching him; but the Bostonian foe of Britain whispered
+    hurriedly to Mrs. Putnon Ayres: 'It's the English gentleman, my
+    dear; a _real_ one, and cousin to a Lord! Tell everybody to drop
+    their aitches, and not to say anything in favor of the war. Oh, ah!
+    delighted to see you, my dear sir, in my 'umble 'ouse.'
+
+    "Mr. R. Fennarf was astonished. He must actually say something
+    insulting, or that kick wouldn't come even here.
+
+    "'Thankee, my old muff,' said he, in a voice like a cab-man's; 'but
+    it's a dewcied bore, you know, to answer all the compliments paid
+    one in this blawsted country. I'm fond of wimmin, though, by
+    George!'--
+
+    "Before he could finish his sentence, twenty managerial mothers,
+    each dragging a marriageable daughter by the hand, made a desperate
+    rush for him; but Mrs. Putnon Ayres reached him first, and placed
+    the right hand of a pretty young lady in his own.
+
+    "'Take my 'arriet, sir,' she exclaimed, enthusiastically, 'and be
+    assured that she will make you a good wife. It 'as always been my
+    'ope to 'ave such a son-in-law.'
+
+    "Mr. R. Fennarf felt that his case was becoming desperate; his
+    chance of regaining his daughter farther off than ever. Fairly
+    crazy to be kicked, he familiarly chucked Miss Harriet under the
+    chin, and, assuming a perfectly diabolical expression of
+    countenance, deliberately tickled her!
+
+    "'Haw! haw! haw!' roared Mr. Putnon Ayres, holding his sides with
+    delight, 'that's the real English frankness, my dear son,--for such
+    I must already call you,--and no American girl could be less than
+    'appy to perceive it.'
+
+    "In utter despair, Mr. R. Fennarf involuntarily placed a hand upon
+    the magic rod in his bosom, and wished himself elsewhere. Quick as
+    thought he was elsewhere, and entering the sumptuous private office
+    of the gifted St. Albans, editor of the New York 'Daily Fife,'
+    whose 'leaders' on the propriety of an immediate slaughter of all
+    Britons within reach, have excited much terror in the bosom of
+    Victoria.
+
+    "'My dear sir,' screamed the sturdy St. Albans, springing to meet
+    his visitor, 'I am delighted to welcome you to the United States!'
+
+    "Mr. R. Fennarf's heart sank down to his very boots.
+
+    "'You mean what there is left of your United States,' he yelled,
+    like a very ruffian. 'You Yankees never did know how to speak the
+    English language.' And he actually spat upon a file of the 'Daily
+    Fife' hanging near him, and sneered pointedly at a lithograph of
+    the editor over the fireplace.
+
+    "St. Albans grasped his hand convulsively.
+
+    "'Spoken like Carlyle, sir; spoken like Carlyle. Your English
+    honesty is worthy your English heart of oak, my dear friend.'
+
+    "'Sir!' roared R. Fennarf, frantic to be kicked, and backing
+    temptingly toward the gifted St. Albans all the time he talked;
+    'you and your paper be demn'd! What do _you_ know about Carlyle,
+    bless my soul! _Who_ are you smiling at? WHAT d'ye mean?'
+
+    "Here he knocked St. Albans down.
+
+    "'You shall hear from me--step into that next room--will write to
+    you instantly,' panted the editor.
+
+    Half-crazed with his continued failures, the unhappy R. Fennarf
+    walked abstractedly into the next room, half hoping his antagonist
+    wanted an opportunity to put on a pair of extra-heavy boots.
+
+    In two minutes a boy put a note into his hand.
+
+        "'MY DEAR SIR: Name your own terms for contributing a daily
+        article to the Fife. Select your own subjects.
+
+        ST. ALBANS.'
+
+    "The miserable Briton involuntarily groaned, shook his head
+    hopelessly, and once more touched the Ghost's rod. He heard the
+    roll of drums, the scattering cracks of muskets, and found himself
+    seated in the tent of that same Major General Steward who has so
+    nobly said, on innumerable appropriate occasions, that he was ready
+    to fulfil his whole duty in defeating the Southern rebels; but
+    could not help wishing, as a man, that the enemy were Englishmen
+    rather than our own brothers. _Then_ he would show you!
+
+    "'I want to take a look at your military shopkeepers,' observed Mr.
+    R. Fennarf, with great brutality, 'and see how you Bull Runners
+    make your sandbanks--fortifications, as you absurdly call them.
+    You're "Brute Steward," I suppose.'
+
+    "'Ha! ha!' laughed the able General, cheerily, 'that's what you
+    English gents call me, I believe. We're going to have a battle,
+    to-day, and you must stop and see it.'
+
+    "'A battle!' growled R. Fennarf. 'What do you mean by that? I've
+    got a permit from your vulgar blunderers at Washington to go
+    through your so-called lines to Richmond, as that's the only place
+    where one can find anything like gentlemen in this blawsted
+    country. I intend to go to-day, too; so you must put off your
+    so-called battle.'
+
+    "He'll certainly kick me after that, thought R. Fennarf, beginning
+    to feel quite hopeful.
+
+    "'Put off the battle?' said the great commander, cordially. 'I'll
+    do it with pleasure, sir.'
+
+    "The Englishman stared at him in utter despair, and, for the last
+    time, clasped his mystical rod, murmuring: 'Back to England, back
+    to my own street. I give up all hope!'
+
+    "No sooner said than done. In a second he was at the corner of his
+    own street, and, with the rod in his hand, started upon a
+    distracted run for his own lonely house. Not looking where he ran,
+    he went helter-skelter against a fine, fleshy old English gentleman
+    with a plum nose and a gouty great-toe, who had hobbled out for a
+    mouthful of night-air. Bang against this fine, fleshy old English
+    gentleman went he, and down came one of his heels on the gouty
+    great-toe.
+
+    "There was a tremendous roar, as from the great Bull of Bashan; the
+    countenance of the fine, fleshy old English gentleman became livid,
+    and, in the deep anguish of his soul, he saluted the disturber of
+    his peace with a tremendous--KICK!
+
+    "The black rod vanished in a moment from the hand of Mr. R.
+    Fennarf, and his very soul jumped for joy.
+
+    "'Merry Christmas!' he shouted, violently shaking the hand of the
+    now bewildered old gentleman with the plum nose.
+
+    "Then, on he darted toward his house. It was lighted up in every
+    window. There was music in the house, too, and dancing. In he flew,
+    with a delightful presentiment of what was going on. Sure enough,
+    his daughter Alexandra had come home, with her husband the potboy,
+    and a score of friends, and all hands were hard at a cotillon.
+
+    "'Father, forgive us!' screamed Alexandra.
+
+    "'Your pariental blessing,' suggested the potboy with much feeling.
+
+    "'Support them for life,' murmured the friends.
+
+    "'My children,' said Mr. R. Fennarf, rubbing his back, 'you must
+    forgive _me_. Henceforth we live together, and celebrate every
+    coming Christmas-eve by meeting all our friends again, as now. I am
+    a new man from this time forth; for on this very night I have
+    learned a great and useful lesson.'
+
+    "Then all was jollity again, and the potboy, notwithstanding the
+    shortness of his legs, danced like a veritable Christy minstrel.
+
+    "Meantime, a certain retired hackney-coachman in the company, who
+    had attentively noted the reconciliation of father and daughter,
+    called the former into a corner of the room, and said very gravely
+    to him:
+
+    "'You said you had learned a lesson to-night?'
+
+    "'Yes.'
+
+    "'What is it?' asked the hackney-coachman.
+
+    "'It is,' said Mr. R. Fennarf, with solemnity, 'that no man need go
+    out of his own country to be kicked!'"
+
+As Captain Bob Shorty finished reading, he looked about him for the
+first time, and lo! all the Mackerel chieftains were slumbering, with
+their chins upon their breasts.
+
+And now, my boy, as the New Year rolls in, let me tender you the
+compliments of the season, and sign myself,
+
+Yours for festivity,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER CIV.
+
+    EXPLAINING, IN A LUCID AND PERFECTLY SATISFACTORY MANNER, THE
+    POWERFUL INACTIVITY OF THAT PORTION OF THE VENERATED MACKEREL
+    BRIGADE RESIDING BEFORE THE ANCIENT CITY OF PARIS, AND PRESENTING
+    CERTAIN GENIAL DETAILS OF A RECENT FESTIVE CONGLOMERATION.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., March 6th, 1865.
+
+Methinks, my boy, that I see you sagely assuming a pair of massive
+ears, a pair of silver spectacles, and a blue cotton umbrella, for the
+purpose of accurately personating the celebrated Public Sentiment, and,
+in that gifted character, peremptorily requiring me to explain the
+present use of the venerable Mackerel Brigade!
+
+Mastering for a moment the noble rage of the unimperilled patriot at a
+request so vulgarly practical, I sternly refer you to the latest able
+articles in all our exciting and learned morning journals; wherein you
+will be taught that such portion of the aged Mackerel organization as
+has of late years invested Paris is in reality the gorgeous Pivot
+around which revolve all the other brass buttons of ultimate national
+triumph. And is not each editor of these excellent and sanguine morning
+journals well qualified by his military genius to represent a General
+Ism, oh?
+
+But perhaps, my boy, you fail to find ocular demonstration in that
+illumination. It is barely possible that you refuse to acknowledge
+optical conviction in a lucidity of that description. It may be that
+your cornea lacks ability to transmit a specific image in that
+polarization of prismatics. It strikes me as not improbable that
+you--can't see it in that light.
+
+Then come with me to the Mackerel camp before Paris, and mark where the
+antique Brigade is sitting-up with the expiring Confederacy. Observe
+how each morning's sun is reflected from the gleaming spectacles of the
+venerable military organization; while occasional rains make those same
+innumerable glasses resemble fairy lakes with dead fish in them. Note
+with what a respectable air of a reliable family physician each
+patriarchal warrior exhumes, from somewhere down his leg, the massive
+gold watch which he has been induced to buy for $10 of one of those
+national benefactors in jewelry who advertise affectionately in our
+more parental weekly journals of romance--and remarks, oracularly:
+
+"It being exactly three o'clock by this here nineteen-carat repeater,
+that air Confederacy has got just one hour less to live."
+
+The fact, my boy, that this timely observation would apply with about
+equal accuracy to the whole human family, need not deter your insidious
+self from answering in the affirmative, when I ask you, calmly, if it
+does not seem that a military organization of such intellect, _must_ be
+engaged in some unspeakably profound scheme of victory, even though to
+the uneducated eye it may present somewhat the aspect of a muddy old
+gentleman with his head against a stone-wall?
+
+And this business of showing the possible identity of apparent
+dead-pause with actual velocity, reminds me of a chap I once knew in
+the Sixth Ward. He was a cast-iron chap, my boy, whose most powerful
+conception of enterprise in trade was vividly associated with the duty
+of being forever in his shirt-sleeves; and he kept a hardware shop at
+which the economical women of America could get such bargains in
+flat-irons and door-plates, as were a temptation to marry none but the
+most impoverished young men.
+
+Many customers had this very practical hardware chap, and one of them
+was an aged file in a broad-brimmed hat, blue spectacles, and a silk
+umbrella, who had about him that air of Philadelphia which at once
+suggests an equal admixture of chronic slumber and profundity. Being a
+widower and a happy man, it was the daily custom of this aged file to
+spend several hours of intellectual refreshment in the hardware shop,
+smiling benignantly upon the ancient maidens who came thither to buy
+curling-tongs, and enlivening the soul of the cast-iron chap with fine,
+laborious treatises on the general idiocy of popular perception.
+
+"I tell you, my child," this aged file would remark, polishing his
+spectacles with a red silk handkerchief,--"I tell you, the popular
+perception wants nicety; wants delicacy; wants capacity to distinguish
+between the noisy, bustling style of operation by which it loves to be
+deceived,--_Populus vult decipi_,--and the silent, almost imperceptible
+agencies through which all really great results are accomplished."
+
+Having heard this chaste sentiment repeated daily for about three
+years, my boy, the very practical hardware chap began to find his
+nature growing embittered, and resolved to do something desperate. So,
+one morning, after listening quietly to the essay of the aged file, and
+refusing to tell a small boot-blacking child of six years old the
+lowest price for one of Jones's Patent steam-ploughs, this cast-iron
+chap suddenly removed his hands from around an object on the counter,
+which he had, apparently, been attempting to conceal, and revealed to
+view a boy's lignum-vitæ peg-top, which stood seemingly exactly
+balanced on its steel tip.
+
+"Who would think now," said he, reflectively, "that it could be turning
+all the time?"
+
+The aged file advanced his blue spectacles to the very verge of the
+top, and says he:
+
+"Well, now, it's wonderful, an't it? Any one would think, to look at
+that simple toy, that it stood perfectly still; and yet its velocity of
+movement must be prodigious. Go into yonder street," exclaimed the aged
+file, dropping his umbrella in the excitement of the moment,--"go into
+yonder street and bring in any man you please, and that man could swear
+that this top is not spinning at all. And why? Simply because the
+velocity of this top, being several millions of revolutions per minute,
+is greater than his ignorant eye can comprehend. Upon my soul!"
+ejaculated the aged file, bending once more to the top, with great
+enthusiasm, "upon my soul! it's wonderful."
+
+Over the counter came the hardware chap, with one bound, and says he:
+
+"Why, you durned old fool, _the top an't moving at all_!"
+
+And sure enough, the very practical cast-iron chap had just stuck the
+top up with his hand, in order to bring the popular perception theory
+of the aged file to grief.
+
+Ordinary persons, my boy, observing the Mackerel Brigade any time these
+three years, might think it was not moving at all; but we know its
+General to be the Top of the heap, and we know that he is making
+revolutions--in the whole art of war.
+
+Let, then, the venerable and strategical Mackerel Brigade strike off
+impressions of itself in the mud before Paris; while the conic section,
+under Colonel Wobert Wobinson, walks calmly through the depths of
+storied Accomac; while Captain Samyule Sa-mith and the Anatomical
+Cavalry prosecute Confederate railroad researches, and Rear Admiral
+Head's iron-plated squadron keeps watch and fishes for bass near the
+captured Fort Piano, on Duck Lake. For the present, be mine the
+pleasanter duty of imperfectly reporting that stately Ball at the
+Patent Office, which clinched the re-inauguration of our Honest Abe,
+and was attended by none of the old aristocracy of the capital, save
+those who had received invitations.
+
+The old aristocracy of the capital, my boy, having been accustomed only
+to association with the ministers from combined Europe, and the
+chivalry who had, now and then, a nice wife or daughter to sell, could
+not be expected to countenance a plebeian carnival for which they had
+not received invitations. They could not be expected so soon to forget
+those elegant family entertainments of the olden time, when the
+hospitable board, with its green covering, groaned under the weight of
+gold and silver; when, instead of salads and pates in crockery
+platters, the plates were of delicately enamelled pasteboard,
+containing from one to ten diamonds each, or, perhaps, a king or queen
+served up cold with mint sauce.
+
+The Old Aristocracy! lineal descendants of the British cavaliers! I
+should weep, my boy, over their possible extinction forever, were it
+not that the assiduity of the London Prisoners' Aid Society, in sending
+ticket-of-leave men to New York, promises to keep the species going.
+
+Behold me, at the proper hour, suspended between the shoulders of three
+or four fat citizens of America in the entrance-hall, and being thus
+borne into the festive scene like a being too delicate to walk. This,
+too, at the expense of only the linen "duster" which I had donned to
+preserve my broadcloth from the dust in the dancing room, and which I
+had the satisfaction of seeing distributed in ribbons around the necks
+and bodies of a score of my neighbors, like so many charms to keep off
+enchantments. The crowd, the management, and the number of guests with
+umbrellas and top-boots, were all the subjects of ill-disguised sneers
+among the old aristocracy of the capital who had not received
+invitations.
+
+And now I emerge into fountains of satin and mechlin cascades, with
+numerous citizens of America up to their waists in the surf, and
+looking about as comfortable as though bathing at Newport in full
+dress. Yonder stands our Honest Abe, in sombre costume, like a funeral
+procession standing on end to let something pass under it.
+
+Leaning thoughtfully against the wall, my boy, I was gazing
+meditatively upon this scene, and thinking how many of these fair
+beings would be destroyed by railroad accidents on the way to their
+homes in other cities--I was thinking of this, my boy, when I heard a
+voice saying:
+
+"How powerful is human instink! let a fire-bell ring, and at least half
+of these manly beings would make a bust for the street to join their
+native fire departmink. Let the hall-bell ring, and nearly all these
+fair petticoats would involuntarily rush to 'tend the door. Such is
+human instink."
+
+Like one in a dream, I turned me where I stood and beheld the form of
+Captain Villiam Brown, his left hand upon his hip and his right
+caressing the neck of a small case-bottle in his bosom. I eyed him
+pleasantly a moment, and, said I:
+
+"Well met, my Union Blucher!"
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, pensively, "how powerful is Human Instink!"
+
+"Explain, my Blue and Gold."
+
+"Human Instink," says Villiam, softly, "is an involuntary tendency to
+our normal condition."
+
+"Ahem," said I, sagely, "that sounds like Seward."
+
+"Come with me," says Villiam, gravely, "and I will show you the power
+of Human Instink."
+
+He led me quietly, my boy, to a corner of the great room, where the
+guests were nearly all males, and suddenly roared out this
+extraordinary question:
+
+"Say, Johnny-y-y, how's yer do-o-org?"
+
+The magical sound caught them unprepared, my boy, and before there was
+time to remember where they were, they unanimously responded with:
+
+"Bully!"
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, "that's Instink. They all were fellow-firemen last
+year, and remember the language of the Departmink."
+
+Deeply impressed with a sense of that subtle sympathy with early usages
+which never leaves a man in life, I again let the hero of a hundred
+battles lead the way to another corner, where fifty fair ones stood
+apart in a cluster, waiting for their escorts. Then it was that Captain
+Villiam Brown suddenly assumed an air of unspeakable abstraction, and
+commenced humming the tune of the song:
+
+    "Bridget, tend the airy bell,
+      Don't you hear it tinkle?
+    Butcher's brought the bacon home,--
+      Cook it in a twinkle."
+
+Without at all thinking or knowing why they were doing so, my boy,
+two-thirds of those fair ones took up the tune at the first note and
+hummed it through!
+
+"The fair sect," says Villiam, cautiously, "once heard its mother sing
+that song, as she had learned it in her native palace; and has the
+Instink to remember it."
+
+Thus, taking new and beautiful lessons in the ever-fresh volume of
+animate nature, we sauntered into the ballroom, where our Honest Abe
+and his lady were viewing the performances from a pair of handsome
+elevated chairs. Ay, sir: handsome (!) chairs; and that, too, when many
+an honest poor man in the land has not a single chair with a gilt back
+to rest upon. Thus are we drifting toward (start not!)--yes sir and
+madam, toward--Royalty!! Thus, too, are we incurring the highest scorn
+of the old aristocracy of the capital who had not received invitations.
+
+There was dancing of the ordinary sort in plenty; many solid men of
+Boston of the oldest age going to the verge of apoplexy in their
+efforts at double-shuffle; but how can description do justice to the
+Honorable Gentleman from the Sixth Ward, who performed the celebrated
+Conflagration Hornpipe!
+
+First, the Honorable Gentleman threw his whole weight upon his left
+leg, elevated one ear as though intently listening, and tapped
+distinctly upon the floor with his right heel the number of the
+district. Then came a confused scuffling, first upon one foot and then
+upon the other, to represent the hurry and excitement of getting the
+machine out of the house and whirling her to the scene of the
+conflagration. The next figure, performed alternately upon the toe,
+heel, and side of the shoe, was an imitation of the noble machine in
+motion; the whole winding up with the Honorable Gentleman's seizing his
+partner around the waist and plunging into a polka, symbolizing the
+gallant fireman's rescue of a consuming female from a sixth-story
+window.
+
+This beautiful dance, my boy, was considered an unanswerable argument
+in favor of a Volunteer Fire Department; but its finishing effect was
+somewhat marred by a piercing note from the famous night-key bugle of
+the Mackerel Brass Band: who, in an enfeebled state of mind, was found
+wandering about the palace a trifle intoxicated, and received prompt
+direction to the apartments of Detective Baker.
+
+After witnessing, also, the noted walk-around known as the Revenue
+Stamp, we joined the march for supper, and I sweetly expressed to
+Captain Villiam Brown my fear of being crowded from the eatables.
+
+"Oh!" says Villiam, catching his case-bottle just in time to save it
+from sliding through his ruffles to the floor; "I shall work upon human
+Instink."
+
+Here, this ornament of our National Mackerel organization inserted an
+elbow under the right ear of a fair being in blue just before us, and
+says she:
+
+"I don't admire to see you men treating ladies in that manner. The
+ideor!"
+
+"Ah, Mrs. Nubbins," says Villiam, pleasantly, "when your father, the
+milkman, used to serve our house, I"--
+
+"Here--you can pass, sir," said the fair being in blue; and Captain
+Villiam Brown walked forward deliberately upon the trailing skirts of a
+beauteous object in pink.
+
+"You're tearing my things--creature!"
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, abstractedly, to me, "you don't remember stand
+Number Twelve, Fulton Market, where Miss Poodlem's grandmother used
+to"--
+
+"There's plenty of room here, sir," observed the beauteous object in
+pink, and Captain Villiam Brown accidentally brushed against a
+beatitude in white.
+
+"Plebeian!"
+
+"My fren," says Villiam, as though he and I were entirely alone
+together on a desert island, "when old Binks gave up the soap-boiling
+business last fall, and came to"--
+
+"Did you wish to pass, sir?" said the beatitude in white; and we soon
+found ourselves beside the banquet board, where all went merry as a
+fire-bell.
+
+Then did we gorge ourselves, my boy, like the very First Families under
+similar circumstances; revelling in such salads as were known to the
+ancients just before the breaking out of the Asiatic cholera, and
+paying general attention to a bill of fare which was heartily despised
+by the old aristocracy of the capital who had received no invitations.
+
+It was past midnight when we retreated to a double-bedded room at
+Willard's, and as Captain Villiam Brown took his goblet of final soda,
+he gracefully tipped my glass, and says he:
+
+"I propose a sentimink."
+
+Villiam raised the Falernian nectar aloft, gazed solemnly at me, and
+says he:
+
+"Human Instink!"
+
+Let us believe, my boy, that the instincts of those who come to the
+higher social surface in this, our trying time of war, are, by their
+own purity from anything actually malignant, sure indications that the
+nation's heart is good to the very bottom. Let us believe that the
+pride of Ascent, vain-glorious as it may seem, is nobler in raising the
+public laugh than is the tyrannical pride of Descent, which too often
+forces the public tear. Let us believe that, in the course of time,
+when the soft white hand of Peace shall have thrown a wreath of flowers
+across the muzzles of our guns, these unaccustomed tradesmen-courtiers
+who now throng the halls of our upright First Citizen and Friend will
+prove the sound ancestral stock of a race of brave gentlemen and women
+fair, to defend and adorn our Republican Court.
+
+Yours, blithely,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER CV.
+
+    BEING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S LAST EFFORT PRIOR TO THE COMMENCEMENT OF
+    A NEW MACKEREL CAMPAIGN; INTRODUCING A METRICAL PICTURE OF THE MOST
+    REMARKABLE SINGLE COMBAT ON RECORD; AND SHOWING HOW THE ROMANCE OF
+    WOMAN'S SENSITIVE SOUL CAN BE CRUSHED BY THE THING CALLED MAN.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., March 12th, 1865.
+
+This sagacious business of writing national military history once a
+week, my boy, has at times presented itself to my mind as a public
+obligation nearly equal in steady mutual delight to the wholesome
+occupation of organ-grinding. Mark the Italian nobleman who discourses
+mercenary twangs beneath your window, and you shall find him a person
+of severe and gloomy visage,--a figure with an expression of being
+weighed down to the very earth by a something heavier than the mere
+mahogany box of shrieks out of which he grinds popular misery by the
+block. Not that he has a distaste for music, my boy; not that he was
+the less enthusiastic at that past period "when music, heavenly maid,
+was young" to him; but because the daily recurrence to his ears of
+precisely the same sounds for ten years, has a horribly depressing
+effect of unmitigated sameness; and music has become to him an ancient
+maiden of exasperating pertinacity. It quite affects me, my boy, when I
+see one of those melancholy sons of song carrying a regularly organized
+monkey around with him; for it is evident he finds in such
+companionship a certain relief from the anguish of monotony. Guided by
+the example, I sometimes get a Brigadier to keep me company also, and
+you can hardly imagine how often I am saved from gloom by the amusement
+I experience in seeing his shrewd imitation of a real soldier.
+
+But even this resource may fail; for there are periods when such
+imitations are very bad indeed; and then the mind of the wearied
+scribe, like that of my departed friend, the Arkansaw Nightingale, may
+at any moment expire for want of food. Shall I ever forget the time, my
+boy, when the Nightingale came to Washington, as President of the
+Arkansaw Tract Society, for the express purpose of protesting against
+the war, and procuring a fresh glass of the same he had last time?
+
+"This war," says he, waiting for it to grow cooler, and thoughtfully
+contemplating the reflection of himself in the bowl of a spoon,--"this
+war, if it goes on, wont never shet pan till the hair's rubbed off the
+hull country, and the 'Merican Eagle wont hev enough feathers in his
+tail to oil a watch-spring. Tell you! stranger, it'll be wuss than
+Tuscaloosa Sam's last tackle; and that wasn't slow."
+
+"What was that?" says I.
+
+"What!" says the Nightingale, stirring in a little sugar, "did you
+never hearn tell of Tuscaloosa's last? Then here's the screed done into
+music under my pen and seal; and as it an't quite as long's the hundred
+nineteenth psalm, you don't want a chair to hear it."
+
+Whereupon the Arkansaw Nightingale whipt from some obscure rear pocket
+a remarkable handful of written paper, and proceeded to excite me with
+
+    "A GREAT FIT.
+
+    "There was a man in Arkansaw
+      As let his passions rise,
+    And not unfrequently picked out
+      Some other varmint's eyes.
+
+    "His name was Tuscaloosa Sam,
+      And often he would say,
+    'There's not a cuss in Arkansaw
+      I can't whip any day.'
+
+    "One morn, a stranger passin' by,
+      Heard Sammy talkin' so,
+    When down he scrambled from his hoss,
+      And off his coat did go.
+
+    "He sorter kinder shut one eye,
+      And spit into his hand,
+    And put his ugly head one side,
+      And twitched his trowsers' band.
+
+    "'My boy,' says he, 'it's my belief,
+      Whomever you may be,
+    That I kin make you screech, and smell
+      Pertikler agony.'
+
+    "'I'm thar,' says Tuscaloosa Sam,
+      And chucked his hat away;
+    'I'm thar,' says he, and buttoned up
+      As far as buttons may.
+
+    "He thundered on the stranger's mug,
+      The stranger pounded he;
+    And oh! the way them critters fit
+      Was beautiful to see.
+
+    "They clinched like two rampageous bears,
+      And then went down a bit;
+    They swore a stream of six-inch oaths
+      And fit, and fit, and fit.
+
+    "When Sam would try to work away,
+      And on his pegs to git,
+    The stranger'd pull him back; and so,
+      They fit, and fit, and fit!
+
+    "Then like a pair of lobsters, both
+      Upon the ground were knit,
+    And yet the varmints used their teeth,
+      And fit, and fit, and fit!!
+
+    "The sun of noon was high above,
+      And hot enough to split,
+    But only riled the fellers more,
+      That fit, and fit, and fit!!!
+
+    "The stranger snapped at Sammy's nose,
+      And shortened it a bit;
+    And then they both swore awful hard,
+      And fit, and fit, and fit!!!!
+
+    "The mud it flew, the sky grew dark,
+      And all the litenins lit;
+    But still them critters rolled about,
+      And fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!
+
+    "First Sam on top, then t'other chap;
+      When one would make a hit,
+    The other'd smell the grass; and so,
+      They fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!
+
+    "The night came on, the stars shone out
+      As bright as wimmen's wit;
+    And still them fellers swore and gouged,
+      And fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!!
+
+    "The neighbors heard the noise they made,
+      And thought an earthquake lit;
+    Yet all the while 'twas him and Sam
+      As fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!!!
+
+    "For miles around the noise was heard;
+      Folks couldn't sleep a bit,
+    Because them two rantankerous chaps
+      Still fit, and fit, and fit!!!!!!!!!
+
+    "But jist at cock-crow, suddently,
+      There came an awful pause,
+    And I and my old man run out
+      To ascertain the cause.
+
+    "The sun was rising in the yeast,
+      And lit the hull concern;
+    But not a sign of either chap
+      Was found at any turn.
+
+    "Yet, in the region where they fit,
+      We found, to our surprise,
+    One pint of buttons, two big knives,
+      Some whiskers, and four eyes!"
+
+There's dramatic genius for you, my boy, and you will join me in
+raining a pint or so of tears in memory of one who perished because his
+mind had nothing to feed upon, and who left his bottle very empty.
+
+Deferring for the present all account of the Mackerel strategy now
+coming slowly to a head and on foot, let me relate a little incident
+illustrative of the delicious loyalty of the taper women of America,
+and the intolerable baseness of the repulsive object called man:
+
+There is in this city an intensely common-place masculine from Pequog,
+who has, for a wife, a small, plump member of that imperishable sex
+whose eyes remind me of wild cherries and milk. There never was a nicer
+little woman, my boy, and she can knit scarlet dogs, play "Norma," make
+charlotte russe, and do other things equally well calculated to confer
+immeasurable happiness upon a husband of limited means. Ever since the
+well-known Southern Confederacy first respectfully requested to be let
+alone with Sumter, she has been eager to fulfil woman's part in the
+war, and does not wake up the Pequogian more than twice of a night to
+talk about it.
+
+'Twas at one o'clock on the morning of Tuesday last that she roused up
+the partner of her joys and sorrows, and says she:
+
+"Peter, I do wish you'd tell me what I can do, as a woman, for my
+country."
+
+"Go to sleep," says Peter, fiendishly.
+
+"No, but what _can_ I do? Why wont you tell me what is really woman's
+part in the war?"
+
+"Now, see here," says Peter, sternly. "I'm having so many nights, with
+the nap all worn off, over this business, that I can't stand it any
+longer. Just wait till tomorrow evening, and I'll think over the matter
+and tell you what really _is_ woman's part in the war."
+
+So they both went to sleep, my boy, and all next day that little woman
+wondered, as she hummed pleasantly over her work, whether her lord
+would advise her to go out as a Florence Nightingale, or turn teacher
+of intelligent contrabands.
+
+Night came, and the Pequogian returned from his grocery store, and
+silently took a seat before the fire in the dining-room. The little
+woman looked up at him from the ottoman on which she was cosily
+sitting, and says she:
+
+"Well, dear?"
+
+Slowly and solemnly did that Pequog husband draw off one boot.
+Deliberately did he take off a stocking and hold it aloft.
+
+"Martha Jane!" says he, gravely, "'tis a sock your eyes behold, and
+there is a hole in the heel thereof. You are a wife; duty calls you to
+mend your husband's stockings; and _this_--THIS--is Woman's Part in the
+Wore!"
+
+Let us draw a veil, my boy, over the heart-rending scene that followed;
+only hinting that hartshorn and burnt feathers are believed to be
+useful on such occasions, and produce an odor at once wholesome and
+exasperating.
+
+Yours, sympathetically,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER CVI.
+
+    WHEREIN WILL BE FOUND CERTAIN PROFOUND REMARKS UPON THE VARIATIONS
+    OF GOLD, ETC., AND A WHOLESOME LITTLE TALE ILLUSTRATIVE OF THAT
+    FAMOUS POPULAR ABSTRACTION, THE SOUTHERN TREASURY NOTE.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., March 22, 1865.
+
+The venerable Aaron, my boy, was the first gold speculator mentioned in
+history, and it exhausted all the statesmanship of Moses to break up
+the unseemly speculation, and bring Hebrew dry goods and provisions
+down to decent prices. Were Aaron alive now, how he would mourn to find
+his auriferous calf going down at the rate of ten per cent. a day,
+while the Moses of the White House reduced that animal more and more to
+the standard of very common mutton!
+
+Alas, my boy, what madness is this which causes men to forget honor,
+country, ay, even dinner itself, for ungrateful gold! Like all writers
+whose object is the moral improvement of their kind, I have a wholesome
+contempt of gold. What is it? A vulgar-looking yellow metal, with a
+disagreeable smell. It is filthy lucre. It is dross. It is also 156.
+
+Not many months ago I knew a high-toned chap of much neck and chin, who
+made five hundred thousand dollars by supplying our national troops
+with canned peaches, and was so inflated with his good luck in the
+cholera-morbus line, that he actually began to think that his canned
+peaches had something to do with the successes in the field of our
+excellent military organization. Being thus elevated, this
+finely-imaginative chap believed that his services deserved the mission
+to France; and, as that was refused him, it was but natural for him to
+become at once a Southern Confederacy in sentiment, and pronounce our
+Honest Abe a tyrant of defective education.
+
+Just before the last election, I met him at the Baltimore railroad
+depot, and says he: "I have just invested a cool five hundred thousand
+in gold. It is positively sure," says he, glibly, "it is positively
+sure that the reëlection of our present despot will send gold straight
+up to five hundred. I tell you," says he, in a wild ecstasy, "it'll
+ruin the country, and I shall clear a half million."
+
+He was a Jerseyman of fine feelings, and took a little hard cider for
+his often infirmity.
+
+Yesterday I saw that man again, my boy, and I gave him a five-cent note
+in consideration of his great ability in sweeping a street-crossing. He
+deserted his canned peaches, and was cr-r-rushed.
+
+But what is this manuscript upon my table, as I write? It is a
+veracious and wholesome little tale of
+
+    "THE SOUTH.--BY A NORTHER.
+
+    "'Twas night, deep night, in the beautiful city of Richmond; and
+    the chivalrous Mr. Faro was slowly wending his way through Broad
+    street to the bosom of his Confederate family, when, suddenly, he
+    was confronted by a venerable figure in rags, soliciting alms.
+
+    "'Out of my path, wretch!' ejaculated the haughty Virginian,
+    impatiently; and, tossing two thousand dollars ($2000) to the
+    unfortunate mendicant, he attempted to pass on.
+
+    "The starving beggar was about to give way, and had drawn near the
+    barrel which he carried on a wheelbarrow, for the purpose of adding
+    to its contents the pittance just received, when the small amount
+    of the latter seemed to attract his attention for the first time,
+    and again he threw himself in the way of the miserly aristocrat.
+
+    "'Moses Faro,' he muttered, in tones of profound agitation, 'you
+    have your sheds full ($000000000) of Southern Bonds, while one poor
+    barrel full ($000) must supply me for a whole day; yet would I not
+    exchange places with a man capable of insulting honest poverty as
+    you have done this night.'
+
+    "The proud Virginian felt the rebuke keenly; and as he stood,
+    momentarily silent, in the presence of the hapless victim of
+    penury, he could not help remembering that he had, on that very
+    morning, willingly given his youngest son five thousand dollars
+    ($5000) to purchase a kite and some marbles. Greatly stricken in
+    conscience, and heartily ashamed of his recent meanness, he turned
+    to the suppliant, and said, kindly:
+
+    "'Give me your address, and to-morrow morning I will send you a
+    cart full ($000) of means. I would give you more now, but I have
+    only sixty thousand dollars ($60,000) about me, with which to pay
+    for the pair of boots I now have on.'
+
+    "'Moses Faro,' responded the deeply-affected pauper, 'your noble
+    charity will enable me to pay the nine thousand dollars ($9000) I
+    owe for a week's board; and now let me ask, how goes our sacred
+    cause?'
+
+    "'Never brighter,' answered the wealthy Confederate, with
+    enthusiasm. 'We have succeeded to-day in forcing five more cities
+    through the Yankee lines, and are dragging three whole Hessian
+    armies to this city.'
+
+    "'Then welcome poverty for a while longer,' cried the beggar,
+    pathetically; and so great was his exuberance of spirit at the
+    news, that he resolved to spend five hundred dollars ($500) for a
+    cigar in honor thereof.
+
+    "Mr. Faro walked thoughtfully on toward his residence, pondering
+    earnestly the words he had listened to, and astonished to find how
+    easily a rich man could give happiness to a poor one. After all,
+    thought he, there is more contentment in poverty than in riches.
+    Show me the rich man who can boast the sturdy lightness of heart
+    inspiring that hackneyed rhyme, the
+
+        "'CAROL OF THE CONFEDERATE BEGGAR.
+
+        "'Though but fifty thousand dollars
+          Be the sum of all I own,
+        Yet I'm merry with my begging,
+          And I'm happy with my bone;
+        Nor with any brother beggar
+          Does my heart refuse to share,
+        Though a thousand dollars only
+          Be the most I have to spare.
+
+        "'I am shabby in my seven
+          Hundred dollar hat of straw,
+        And my dinner's but eleven
+          Hundred dollars in the raw;
+        Yet I hold my head the higher,
+          That it owes the hatter least,
+        And my scanty crumbs are sweeter
+          Than the viands of a feast'.
+
+    "Humming to himself this simple lay of contented want, Mr. Faro
+    reached his own residence, gave eighty dollars ($80) to a little
+    boy on the sidewalk for blacking his boots, and entered the portals
+    of the hospitable mansion. His wife met him in the hall, and, as
+    they walked together into the parlor, he noticed that her
+    expression was serious.
+
+    "'Have you heard the latest news, Moses?' she asked.
+
+    "'No,' returned the haughty Southerner.
+
+    "'Well,' said the lady, 'just before you came in, I gave Sambo a
+    hundred and twelve dollars ($112) to get an evening paper, which
+    says that the Confederate Government is about to seize all the
+    money in the country, to pay the soldiers.'
+
+    "A gorgeous smile lit up the features of the chivalric Virginian,
+    and he said:
+
+    "'Let them take both my shedsfull ($00000000); let them take it
+    all! Sooner than submit, or consent to be Reconstructed, I would
+    give my very life even, for the sake of the Confederacy!'
+
+    Mrs. Faro still looked serious.
+
+    "'Moses,' she said, with quivering lips, 'have you not got, hidden
+    away somewhere, _a twenty-shilling gold-piece_ ($2,500,000)?'
+
+    "Ghastly pale turned the proud Confederate, and he could barely
+    stammer,--
+
+    "'Ye-ye-yes.'
+
+    "'Well,' murmured the matron, 'it's the gold they intend to take, I
+    reckon.'
+
+    "That was enough. Frantically tore Mr. Faro into the street;
+    desperately raced he to the city limits; madly flew he past the
+    pickets and sentinels; swiftly scoured he down the Boynton Plank
+    Road. A Yankee bayonet was at his bosom.
+
+    "'Reconstruction!' shouted he.
+
+    "They took him before the nearest post-commandant, and he only
+    said,--
+
+    "'Let me be Reconstructed.'"
+
+Need the reader be informed that he is now in New York, looking for a
+house, and in great need of some financial aid to help him pay the rent
+of such a residence as he has always been accustomed to and cannot live
+without? Yes, far from home, family, and friends, he is now one of
+those long-suffering, self-sacrificing Union refugees from the South,
+whom it is a pleasure to assist, and whose manly opposition to the
+military despotism of the Confederacy commends them to our utmost
+liberality. He will accept donations in money, and this fact should be
+sufficient to make all loyal men eager to extend such pecuniary
+encouragement as may suffice to keep him above any necessity for
+exertion until the presidency of some Bank can be procured for him by
+the Christian Commission.
+
+I may add, my boy, that any monetary contribution intended for this
+excellent man, may be directed to
+
+Yours, patronizingly,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER CVII.
+
+    RECORDING THE LATEST DELPHIC UTTERANCES OF ONE WHOM WE ALL HONOR
+    WITHOUT KNOWING WHY; AND RECOUNTING THE TRULY MARVELLOUS AFFAIR OF
+    THE FORT BUILT ACCORDING TO TACITUS.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., March 29th, 1865.
+
+It is a beautiful trait of our common American nature, my boy, that we
+should be stood-upon by fleshy Old Age, and find ourselves reduced to
+the mental condition of mangled infants thereby. It is an airy
+characteristic of our gentle national temperament, to let
+shirt-collared Old Age, of much alpaca pants, sit down on us and cough
+into our ears. It is a part of our social organization as a reverential
+people to be forever weighed-down in our spirits by the awful
+respectability of double-chinned Old Age, and the solemn satisfaction
+it displays at its elephantine meals.
+
+Hence, my boy, when I tell you that the Venerable Gammon beamed hither
+from his residential Mugville last Saturday, with a view to benefiting
+that wayward infant, his country, you will be prepared to learn that
+the populace fell upon their unworthy stomachs before him, and
+respectfully begged him to walk over their necks.
+
+"My children," said the Venerable Gammon, with a fleshy smile,
+signifying that he had made them all, and yet didn't wish to seem
+proud,--"My children, this war is progressing just as I originally
+planned it, and will end successfully as soon as it terminates
+triumphantly. Behold my old friend, Phoebus," says the Venerable
+Gammon, pointing an adipose forefinger at the sun, with a patriarchal
+air of having benignantly invented that luminary, though benevolently
+permitting Providence to have all the credit, "it is not more certain
+that my warm-hearted friend Phoebus will rise in the yeast to-morrow
+morning than that the Southern Confederacy will not be capable of
+fighting a single additional battle after it shall have lost the
+ability to take part in another engagement."
+
+Then the entire populace requested immediate leave to black the boots
+of their aged benefactor and idol, and seven-and-thirty indefatigable
+reporters, with pencils behind their ears, telegraphed to
+seven-and-thirty powerful morning journals, that the end of the
+rebellion might be looked for in about a couple of hours.
+
+I don't mind revealing to you, as a curious fact, my boy, that no
+mortal man is able to understand how the Venerable Gammon has done
+anything at all in this war. In fact, I can't exactly perceive what
+earthly deed he has actually performed to make him preferable to George
+Washington; but it is generally inferred, from the size of his
+watch-seals and the lambency of his spectacles, that he has in some way
+been more than a parent to the country; and the thousands now buying
+some beneficent Petroleum stock, which he has to sell, are firmly
+convinced that its sale is positively calculated to forever benefit the
+human race.
+
+Oh! that I were Ovid, or Anacreon, to describe fittingly the recent
+little wedding entertainment, at which this excellently-aged teacher
+and preserver of his species was fatly present, diffusing permission
+for all mankind to be happy and not mind him. After beaming parentally
+upon the officiating Mackerel chaplain, with a benignity inseparable
+from the idea that all clergymen were the work of his hands, he took
+the dimpled chin of the bride between his thumb add forefinger, and
+says he:
+
+"My children, I am an old, old man; but may ye be happy." Here he
+kissed the bride. "Yes, my children," says the venerable Gammon, with a
+blessing on the world in every tone of his buttery voice, "I am far
+down in the vale of years; but may ye be very happy." And he kissed the
+bride. "Still, my children," says the Venerable Gammon, with steaming
+spectacles, "I would be willing to be even older, if my country desired
+it; but may ye be forever happy." So he kissed the bride. "Oh!" says
+the Venerable Gammon, abstractedly placing a benefactor's arm around
+her waist, and looking benevolently about the room as though consenting
+to its possession of four walls,--"Oh!" says he, "it is a privilege to
+be old for such a cause as this; but may ye be supremely happy." At
+this juncture he kissed the bride. "I am old enough," says the
+venerable Gammon, "to be your brother." And he kissed every young woman
+there.
+
+Whereupon it was the general impression that an apostle was present;
+and when the bridegroom subsequently hinted, in a disagreeable whisper,
+that two bottles of port were enough to confuse the mind of a
+Methuselah himself, there was a wonderful unanimity among the ladies as
+to the probable misery of the bride's future life.
+
+But wherefore, O, Eros, dost thou detain me in such scenes as these,
+while the hoarse trumpet of bully Mars calls me to the field of
+strategic glory? Hire an imaginary horse, my boy, at a fabulous
+livery-stable, and, in fancy, trot beside me as I urge my architectural
+steed, the Gothic Pegasus, toward the Mackerel lines in front of Paris.
+
+Believing that you are entirely familiar with the very fat works of C.
+Tacitus, and minutely remember Book II. of his Annals, let me draw your
+attention to that fort Aliso which he describes as being built upon the
+River Luppia by Drusus, father of Germanicus, and constituting the
+commencement of a chain of posts to the Rhine. Just such a work has
+been erected on the shores of Duck Lake by Mackerel genius, as the key
+to a long line of remarkable mud-works. It is modelled after Aliso,
+chiefly because that work was notorious for being near the Canal of
+Drusus; and the whole world knows that canal-digging is inseparable
+from all our national strategy.
+
+Fort Bledandide is the name of the Mackerel institution destined to
+receive immortality in Mr. Tacitus Greeley's exciting History of this
+distracting war; but to me belongs the earlier privilege of enabling a
+moral weekly journal to confuse its readers with the first reliable
+report of the marvellous battle of Fort Bledandide.
+
+It was at quite an early hour, my boy, on the morning of my arrival
+before Paris, that a faint sound, as of gentlemen firing guns, was
+heard to proceed from a point some six feet outside Fort Bledandide.
+Nobody was up at the time, save a few venerable Mackerels, who, in
+daily expectation of some carnage, had selected that hour at which to
+write their wills; and it was left for these antique beings to be the
+first of our troops disturbed by a shameless Confederacy who lifted his
+head slowly above our works, and deliberately aimed a deadly
+horse-pistol at Jacob Barker, the regimental dog. Hideous was the
+explosion ensuing, as the night-key with which the dread weapon was
+loaded went hurtling through the air some ten yards above its mark; and
+an aged Mackerel looked up from his penmanship.
+
+"What!" says he, with some animation, "are my spectacles guilty of a
+falsehood, or have I indeed the pleasure of seeing Mr. Davis?"
+
+The Confederacy reloaded his horse-pistol with a handful of
+carpet-tacks, and says he:
+
+"I am that individdle."
+
+Raising a bell that stood by his side, the venerable Mackerel rang a
+hasty peal, which had the effect to arouse two or three of the other
+scribes from their writing, and cause them to apply ear-trumpets to
+their ears. Simultaneously the first warrior roared, through a
+fire-trumpet:
+
+"Comrades! We are surprised."
+
+At the same instant the Confederacy burst into a tempest of unseemly
+chuckles, and fired his carpet-tacks into the soft hat of the nearest
+Mackerel, causing that hoary veteran to drop his will and scratch his
+head with an air of hopeless bewilderment.
+
+"Have you any tea that you could give me?" says the Confederacy,
+scrambling into the Fort,--"any Hyson senior or junior? Have you any
+coffee? Oh, _do_ give me some coffee." Here the Confederacy winked
+profoundly, to indicate that his request was intended merely as a bit
+of surprising humor. Meantime, six other Confederacies with
+horse-pistols had walked in to look for breakfast, and the facetious
+business of relieving the slowly-awakened garrison of their
+loud-ticking and rather cheap gold watches was performed with neatness
+and dispatch. After which the aged Mackerels were dismissed to join the
+main body of the ancient Brigade some ten yards to the rear of the
+work, with the remark, that their vandal rulers would find it somewhat
+difficult to reconstruct the sunny South.
+
+Thus, my boy, was accomplished another of those surprises which not
+unfrequently give the most villanous cause an appearance of temporary
+success; though at times they prove real blessings to the good cause by
+including the capture of three or four brass-buttoned brigadiers.
+
+But, pause, my feeble pen, ere thou venturest upon the hopeless task of
+putting into language the holy rage of the General of the Mackerel
+Brigade, when he learned the capture of Fort Bledandide. Pause,
+miserable quill, ere thou plungest into an insane effort to picture the
+awful state of vengeance exciting Captain Villiam Brown on the same
+occasion. As is his invariable custom at such junctures, the General at
+once retired to his tent to practise on the accordion, leaving Villiam
+to form a few regiments of the Mackerel reserve in line of battle for
+the recapture of the position.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, spiritedly, "here's a chance for a baynit charge
+after the manner of Napoleon's Old Guard; and I hereby notify Regiment
+5, that the eyes of the whole world are upon them."
+
+Captain Bob Shorty and I had got ready our bits of smoked glass, to
+preserve our eyes from the too-great glitter of the dazzling
+achievement about to come off, when we noticed that Villiam motioned
+with his famous sword, Escalibar, for the spectacled warriors to pause
+a moment.
+
+"If any of you martial beings happen to have any small change about you
+at this exciting moment," says Villiam, paternally, "I will take charge
+of it, for safety."
+
+This noble proposition, my boy, might have been accepted unanimously,
+had not the discharge, at that instant, of a horse-pistol from the
+ramparts of Fort Bledandide caused the entire regiment to partially
+disappear! That is to say, every man went down upon his stomach,
+according to the latest principles of regimental strategy.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, "how are the mighty fallen!"
+
+Loudly rang a tremendous horse-laugh from the Confederacies in the
+Fort, several of whom were seen making off toward Paris with Orange
+County howitzers under each arm. I could see, by the aid of my smoked
+glass, that the Chivalry on the ramparts was sitting on a chest, with
+his discharged horse-pistol across his knee, and a series of feeble
+winks chasing each other around his Confederate eyelids.
+
+"By all that's Federal!" says Captain Bob Shorty, "the scorpion
+surrenders!"
+
+At the word, up sprang Regiment 5, like the men of Roderick Dhu, and
+straightforward they swept into Fort Bledandide, as a wave of the angry
+sea will sometimes sweep into a doomed barrel on the beach. Such was
+the shock of this dare-devil charge, that the winking Confederacy on
+the ramparts incontinently rolled off his chest and was captured
+without much carnage.
+
+"Do you surrender to the United States of America?" says Villiam, with
+much star-spangled banner in his manner.
+
+The Confederacy raised himself up on an elbow and hiccup'd gloomily.
+
+"By all that's Federal!" says Captain Bob Shorty, "he's been drinking
+some of that air Commissary whiskey of ours."
+
+Then, my boy, did Captain Villiam Brown evidence that exquisite quality
+of our humanity, which bids us forget all wrongs and enmities at the
+eloquent appeal of death. No sooner had Captain Bob Shorty made the
+above remark, than his whole aspect changed to pity, and he feelingly
+knelt beside the miserable captive.
+
+"Have you any last request to make, poor inseck?" asked Villiam, much
+affected.
+
+The misguided Confederacy was speechless; but made an attempt to
+scratch his breast.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, with deep emotion, "you mean that your conscience
+is a still small woice."
+
+Here the Confederacy scratched his left leg feebly; and says Captain
+Bob Shorty:
+
+"According to your rule, Villiam, his conscience must be quite large,
+extending to his legs."
+
+Nervously arose Captain Villiam Brown to his feet, with such a shudder
+running through his manly frame as caused every brass button to jingle.
+
+"I think," says Villiam, with a ghastly smile, "that some of his
+conscience is a-walking softly down my backbone, with a hop now and
+then."
+
+Alas! my boy, we all have consciences, save green grocers and
+fashionable bootmakers; and who among us but has felt his conscience to
+be at times almost totally disregarded, until it has finally brought
+him to the scratch by turning to flee?
+
+Scarcely was Fort Bledandide recovered by the valor of our arms when
+the General of the Mackerel Brigade let fly the following
+
+    "GENERAL ORDER.
+
+    "The General Commanding announces to the Mackerels that the
+    Southern Confederacy has taken place. Also, that the unconquerable
+    Mackerel Brigade has taken place back again.
+
+    "Yesterday morning the Confederacy massed himself and succeeded,
+    through the unabated slumbers of the persons hired to sit up with
+    him, in obtaining Fort Bledandide.
+
+    "Prompt measures were taken by Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire;
+    and, although an entire regiment fell in the assault, the work was
+    retaken.
+
+    "Two lessons can be learned from these operations: First, that the
+    notorious Southern Confederacy is now reduced to a mere shell; and,
+    secondly, that said shell has a very short fuse.
+
+    "THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+    ("GREEN SEAL.")
+
+I was still reading this pointed document, when there arrived, from
+Paris, a Confederate being, in carpet slippers and white cotton gloves,
+whose name was Lamb, and who bore peace-propositions.
+
+"I have come," says he, affably, "to say, that the army of the North
+can now be admitted into the army of the Confederacy for a conjoint
+attack on combined Europe, after which the sunny South will forgive all
+her creditors, and see what can be done for the Northern masses."
+
+Let this frank speech prove, my boy, what all our excellent
+democratic[6] morning journals of limited circulation have so long
+maintained,--that it rests entirely with the President to secure an
+immediate cessation of hostilities with the Southerners, by forgetting
+all the wrongs of the past, while they are for getting all the rights
+of the future.
+
+Yours, pacifically,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+      [6] This letter was originally addressed to the editor of an
+      excellent little democratic weekly journal, who went carefully
+      over it and substituted the word "patriotic" for "democratic,"
+      whenever the latter occurred:--thereby achieving the most
+      perfect and astounding perversion of meaning on record!
+
+
+
+
+LETTER CVIII.
+
+    NARRATING THE UTTERLY UNPARALLELED CONQUEST OF PARIS BY THE
+    VENERABLE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AFTER THREE DAYS' INCONCEIVABLE
+    STRATEGY; IN FACT, A BATTLE-REPORT AFTER THE MANNER OF ALL OUR
+    EXCITED MORNING JOURNALS; UPON PERUSING WHICH, EACH READER IS
+    EXPECTED TO WRAP HIMSELF UP IN THE AMERICAN FLAG AND SHAKE HIS FIST
+    AT COMBINED EUROPE.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., April 4th, 1865.
+
+To loud huzzas our flag ascends, as climbs a flame the dizzy mast,
+while all its burning glory bends from where the planets seal it fast;
+and, pliant to the chainless winds, a blazing sheet, a lurid scroll,
+the Compact of the Stars it binds in fire that warms a nation's soul!
+
+All of which, my boy, is the poetry of that banner whose union of a
+starry section of evening with the hues of dawn and sunset makes it a
+very good marriage-certificate of the wedding of old Mr. Day and the
+Widow Night. (Let us hope that Mr. Day will never be without a sun.)
+
+And do you ask me wherefore I thus burst into red-hot song?--wherefore
+I inflict further verses upon a flag already washed almost to pieces in
+a freshet of poet's tears?--wherefore I jingle rhymes of Bostonian
+severity at the commencement of an epistle whose readers may not all be
+Emersons?
+
+Know, then, my boy, that the chant is to celebrate the conquest of the
+ancient City of Paris, which, for many years past, has actually waxed
+prosperous against Mackerel strategy, but now rests a prize beneath
+that glorious bunting which we all like to see our poor relations die
+for: beneath that ensign of freedom for which every man of us would
+willingly sacrifice his life, did he not feel that his first great duty
+was to his helpless family, who like to have him stay at home and take
+them to the opera.
+
+O my country!--sublime in thy wounds, chivalrous in thy triumph, more
+than royal in the kingless magnificence of thine undaunted
+power;--forget not the patriots who have stayed at home on account of
+their families; for surely such a disinterested and general
+demonstration of domestic virtue seems to indicate that our police
+force is uselessly large.
+
+Let me not, however, waste time in national boasting, while the
+crowning result of consummate Mackerel strategy demands of me that
+narrating exercise of the pen without which even brigadiers might fail
+to receive public credit for deeds after the manner of Napoleon.
+
+Retrace, my boy, to the happy days of your youth, and you may remember
+that I once described the ancient city of Paris as a house founded upon
+a bar-room and surrounded by warlike settlements of Confederacies. Here
+were collected all the lemons, glassware, sugar, spoons, and cloves of
+the sunny South; and--though all else were lost--while these remained
+to them, the Confederacies were still unbroken in spirits and only
+spoke of Columbia to observe: "She may attack our chivalrous banner of
+Stars and Bars, and capture all the stars if she pleases; but while our
+Bars remain, we shall still be able to liquor." Therefore it is, that
+the aged and aristocratic city of Paris has stubbornly brought to grief
+so many of our admirable brass-buttoned generals, several of whom are
+now enjoying that unblemished obscurity which ungrateful republics are
+apt to bestow upon unappreciated greatness.
+
+On the day succeeding the sanguinary affair of Fort Bledandide, my boy,
+while notes of busy preparation were rising from all parts of the
+Mackerel camp, one of our pickets was awakened by the sound of many
+equestrians riding over his body, and immediately put on his spectacles
+to discern whether they were friends or foes. The inspection lasted
+until one skeleton charger had stepped upon his canteen; whereupon the
+Mackerel picket discovered that the new-comers were the Anatomical
+cavalry, under Captain Samyule Sa-mith, just returned from operations
+in Confederate railway stock, which they had raised so far above par as
+to give it a very decided mar.
+
+Proudly rode Samyule at the head of his triumphant bone-works, and the
+jingle of their spurs and sabres was like unto the collision of many
+tin pans. Gayly rode they to headquarters, and, says Samyule, "Sire, we
+have interrupted the railway travel of the Southern Confederacy for the
+season; and obliterated the tracks of treason, that it may no longer
+rail against us. Further depot-nent saith not."
+
+The General of the Mackerel Brigade laid aside his accordion, and says
+he:
+
+"My sons, I would that every earthly foe to our distracted banner could
+at this moment be placed on board a railway train in any part of this
+country. Because, says the General, thoughtfully, "a ride on an
+American railway train of cars is foreordained car-nage."
+
+After this speech, my boy, it was generally allowed that the Mackerel
+commander was even with Samyule; and as the Anatomical Cavalry swept
+off to the left to flank the unseemly Confederacies defending Paris,
+the main body of the venerable brigade, under Captain Villiam Brown and
+Captain Bob Shorty, commenced strategical designs on that city.
+
+Thus early in the engagement a bloodthirsty Confederacy had succeeded
+in training a fowling-piece from behind a chimney on the roof of Paris,
+greatly worrying our troops with dried beans, and the Orange County
+Howitzers were already concentrated upon him with a view to cutting off
+his legs; when there suddenly appeared within our lines a maiden,
+stricken in years, with a white plush bonnet, a green silk umbrella,
+and the ninety-ninth number of the History of this War under one arm.
+She waved a hand toward the Mackerels nearest her, and says she:
+
+"On, to Paris! On, to Paris! or a decimated and indignant country,
+acting on the predictions in the ninety-ninth number of the most
+accurate History of the War now sold to subscribers only, will
+indignantly demand that EVERYBODY be at once removed!"
+
+Here the General of the Mackerel Brigade made his appearance from the
+rear, and says he:
+
+"What do you desire, Miss P. Hen?"
+
+"On, to Paris!" shrieked the maiden. "On, to the capital of the
+brutalized dealers in human flesh and blood, and drag them to the
+scaffold!" Here Miss P. Hen drew a long breath, and says she, "Let's
+have no vacillating."
+
+"All right, Mamsell," says the General.
+
+"And the country'd have more confidence in _you_," says Miss P. Hen,
+vigorously, "if you'd stop chewing that nasty tobacco, which is only
+fit for brutes and dealers in human flesh and blood. On, to Paris!
+or"--
+
+At this juncture, my boy, the aged Miriam caught sight of the
+Conservative Kentucky Chap, haranguing against her down the Accomac
+road, and toddled furiously away to chastise him with her umbrella.
+
+Meanwhile, the Orange County Howitzers had sent some pounds of shrapnel
+in the direction of the hostile Confederacy on the roof; and as the
+bricks began to fly from the chimney, and the dried beans came at
+longer intervals, Regiment 5 of the Mackerel Brigade moved nearer to
+the beleaguered capital, and opened an effective fire of musketry upon
+the azure zenith. Captain Villiam Brown was about to order an assault,
+when certain windows in the upper stories of Paris were thrown up, and
+there rained therefrom such a hurtling tempest of stew-pans,
+hearth-brushes, shaving-cups, and boxes of blacking, that hundreds of
+Mackerel spectacles were broken. Simultaneously the sanguinary
+Confederacy on the roof put a double charge of dried beans through the
+coat-tails of Captain Bob Shorty, and our troops--"the object of the
+reconnoissance being fully accomplished"--withdrew in good order to
+their former position.
+
+Quickly, thereupon, appeared a canvas banner from the garret windows of
+Paris, inscribed: "Chalk up the First Round for the Southern
+Confederacy!" and the first day's fight was over.
+
+All that night, my boy, did the venerable Mackerel Brigade lay upon
+their arms, finding all their hands asleep, in consequence, when
+morning broke; and as often as a venturesome Confederacy skulked near
+Fort Bledandide to steal a cannon, just so often did one Mackerel
+picket nudge another Mackerel picket and ask him if he didn't think he
+heard something.
+
+At last there came a gradual hush over everything, as though the whole
+world were an antechamber to a room in which rested some dear sick
+child. Then the sharp edges of this terrestrial bowl in which we hang
+over the sun at night began to define themselves all around, as though
+an early candle had just been brought underneath to light the fire. And
+at last a slowly-deepening lurid glow appeared around the sides of the
+bowl, as though the fire was just getting a start. It was morning.
+
+Fearful that if I go on in that strain any longer, some sentimental
+Philadelphian may carry me off by main force to write for the "Lady's
+Book," let me call your notice to the extreme left of the Mackerel
+line, where Captain Samyule Sa-mith and the Anatomical Cavalry,
+supported by Sergeant O'Pake and Regiment 3, were formed in line of
+battle, facing certain rickety Confederacies under Captain Munchausen.
+
+"Comrades," says Samyule, vainly attempting to keep the hind-legs of
+his anatomical steed from trying to surround the two
+fore-legs--"comrades, one blow, and Syracuse is free! For-r-ward!"
+
+But what is this, starting up, as from the ground, right in the path of
+what else had been the most exorbitant cavalry charge on record? It is
+the aged Miss P. Hen, with her white plush bonnet much mashed from a
+recent severe single combat with the Conservative Kentucky Chap, and
+the ninety-ninth number of the History of the War still unsold. She ate
+a Graham biscuit, and says she:
+
+"Just once--I only want to say just once, that everybody is a-howling
+at me like wolves, and abusing me, because I said 'On to Paris.' So I
+want to say, just once, that I never, never will say one word about the
+war again, no matter how much you want me to. Now there's no use of
+your asking me, because I never, never will!"
+
+And she hoisted her green silk umbrella and stalked grimly from the
+field, like the horrid, apparition of a nervous widower's dream.
+
+"Really," says Samyule, irritably, "I don't think there's any other
+country where old women would be allowed on the field of battle without
+epaulets on their shoulders. But let us proceed with the war," says
+Samyule, earnestly, "or we shall not get through in time for our coming
+conflict with combined Europe."
+
+Loud ring the bugles, my boy, on either side, as when two chivalrous
+cocks crow defiance to each other from neighboring roosts; and
+presently two rival circus-companies met in tremendous collision with
+two-up and two-down, two over and two under:
+guard--parry--feint--thrust! Twick, thwack, slam, bang; click-click,
+click-click, click-click; chip, chop, higgledy-piggledy, crush, crowd,
+and helter-skelter.
+
+"Let me get at you, foul Hessian!" roared the hairy Munchausen, with
+his horse hopping sideways in every direction.
+
+"Die in thy sins!" shouted the excited Samyule, taking a slide toward
+his charger's ears, as that spirited animal ecstatically waved his
+hinder feet in the air.
+
+"Coward, thou would'st fly me!" ejaculated Munchausen, just as his
+Arabian got a-straddle of a caisson.
+
+"You are my prisoner!" thundered Samyule, endeavoring to restrain his
+blooded courser from climbing a tree near by.
+
+"Beg for your life!" howled Munchausen, frantically clasping his arms
+about the neck of his Hambletonian colt as they went skipping against
+an ambulance together.
+
+"Say thy last prayer!" yelled Samyule, backing frenziedly into the
+middle of the Christian Commission.
+
+"This to thy heart!" screamed Munchausen, disappearing in a ditch.
+
+"Victory!" ejaculated Samyule, rolling down a hill.
+
+And the second day's fighting was ended.
+
+Night again upon the battle-field. The wearied soldier, as he seeks a
+few hours of repose upon the damp and dreary ground, wonders what the
+people of the great patriotic cities will think of the battle of the
+day; whether they are indeed unspeakably proud and fond of the men
+perilling and losing their lives that the nation may live? Oh, believe
+it, thou most innocent of heroes; for is it not so written in all our
+excellent morning journals? Put no trust in the Satyrs who tell thee
+that thy countrymen at home, in the exultation of victory, hold thee
+only as an unconsidered part of the dumb and blind machine which hoists
+thy captain to eminence. Yet would I have thee turn thy fairest hope,
+thy perfect faith, to that one spot of all the world where kneels
+to-night some fond, familiar form; where loving hands are humbly
+uplifted for an absent one, and quivering lips implore, Almighty
+Father, guard him still!
+
+Now tremble, earth, and shake, ye friendly spheres, for the Mackerel
+Brigade, glittering with spectacles and gorgeous with red neckties and
+gold watches, advances for a third round with the unblushing
+Confederacies of Paris, several of whom are on the roof with duck-guns
+in their hands and slaughter in their hearts. As I gaze upon the
+wonderful scene through my bit of smoked glass, the Orange County
+Howitzers burst into a roar, not unlike a Dutch chorus, and the sun is
+in momentary danger of being hit.
+
+To speak once more in a past tense:--Forward rolled the Mackerel tide
+of battle the whole length of the line, with skirmishers thrown out to
+catch Confederate chickens, and the deadly peal of treason's duck-gun
+mingled hoarsely with the angry bang of loyalty's random musket.
+Heading Regiment 5, and mounted on his geometrical steed, Euclid,
+Captain Villiam Brown essayed a daring charge at the front door of
+Paris; while Captain Bob Shorty, with a portion of the Conic Section
+just arrived from Accomac, thundered toward the window of the first
+floor; but here a female Confederacy opened a heavy fire of pokers and
+gridirons from the basement, and there was too much danger to the
+spectacles of the ancient Brigade to warrant persistence in the bold
+attempt.
+
+Far to the left, with his eyes blazing like the ends of two cigars, and
+his nose glowing like a transparent strawberry, Captain Samyule Sa-mith
+got himself and his celebrated horse-marines so ingeniously entangled
+and mixed up with Captain Munchausen's and everybody else's command,
+that the Schleswig-Holstein question was a very ordinary conundrum in
+comparison, and the fight in that part of the field bade fair to last
+for a few years without much definite carnage.
+
+Then, again, on the calm waters of Duck Lake (now too deep for wading
+in consequence of recent rains), that hoary old salt, Rear Admiral
+Head, unhooked his famous flagship, the "Shockingbadhat," and set out
+with his improved swivel-gun and agile Mackerel crew to take a hand in
+the carnival of conquest.
+
+"Loosen my plates!" swore the aged son of Neptune in his iron-clad
+manner, as he adjusted his spectacles and extracted a slow-match from
+one corner of his snuff-box,--"Loosen my plates! but the navy must kill
+a few Confederate insects,--bark my turret, if it mustn't."
+
+It was really beautiful, my boy, to see an iron-clad tar of such great
+age light the slow-match with his own meerschaum, and aim the improved
+artillery directly at the rear-elevation of a Confederacy tying his
+shoe in one of the side windows of Paris.
+
+Ker-bang! went the triumph of naval ingenuity, causing the flag-ship to
+hop only a few inches into the air; and a Confederacy with amputated
+coat-tails was instantly seen to spin wildly around and rub himself
+like one in a bath.
+
+Not to sicken you, my boy, with too much of such heart-rending
+slaughter, let me say that a dense cloud of sulphurous smoke soon
+entirely veiled the doomed City of Paris, into which the strategical
+Mackerels continued for hours to pour such torrents of lead as no
+number of windows could stand. Finally, as night approached, a person
+of black extraction, with wool on the brain, emerged from the cloud
+quite close to Villiam, and says he:
+
+"De place hab surrender, sah."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, pulling out his ruffles, "is the conflick too much
+for the scorpions?"
+
+The faithful black arranged a silver cake-basket more firmly under his
+coat, and says he:
+
+"Dey's all gone over Jordan."
+
+Wild were the cheers that rent the air at this intelligence, and right
+quickly were our national troops marching into the bar-room of captured
+Paris, to the inspiring strains of "Drops of Brandy," from the
+night-key bugle of the Mackerel band. Our distracted banner, too, was
+just being raised triumphantly upon the roof, when there suddenly
+emerged, from the shadow of the rear-guard, Miss P. Hen, leaning
+trustfully upon the arm of the Conservative Kentucky Chap!
+
+"Now," says she, vivaciously, "is the very moment for the President to
+save our bleeding and bankrupt people, by paying four hundred millions
+of dollars to the sunny South for her losses in this war, and offering
+her such terms as may induce her to make that peace which is absolutely
+necessary to close the most accurate History of the War now sold to
+subscribers only."
+
+Pause, my boy, ere you execrate the venerable Miss P. Hen; for there is
+more than one fidgety old lady tendering advice to the Government at
+this crisis; and the sisterhood is not without members who wear your
+own style of costume.
+
+Yours, carefully,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER CIX.
+
+    WHICH ENDETH THE THIRD VOLUME OF THIS INEXPRESSIBLY VERACIOUS
+    HISTORY OF THE WAR; AND SHOWETH HOW A GREAT REPUBLIC FINALLY
+    OVERCAME ITS SURPASSINGLY MENDACIOUS FOES, AND HOW IT EVINCES ITS
+    UNSPEAKABLE GRATITUDE TO PROVIDENCE FOR SUCH A VICTORY.
+
+
+WASHINGTON, D.C., April 11th, 1865.
+
+Look, my boy, upon the east wall of my luxurious presence-chamber, and
+mark how I have maliciously pasted thereon a map of besotted Europe;
+with all its capitals, rivers, mountains, and inland puddles laid down
+with an accuracy and multitudinosity to forever enlighten and utterly
+confound every sniffing little schoolboy-geographer in the land. What a
+shapeless chunk of inferior dirt is Europe! How like a minute and
+feeble skiptail does it appear, when compared with our own gigantic
+straddlebug of a country! Yet has the skiptail ventured to interfere
+offensively in the private affairs of the straddlebug; and the
+interference, and the private affairs, and the possible upshot of the
+whole matter, remind me forcibly of a spirited little event which once
+occurred in the Sixth Ward.
+
+The male and female Michael O'Korrigan, my boy, occupied a spacious
+apartment on the fine, airy, eighth floor of the sumptuous Maison
+Mulligan in that celebrated Ward, and for several years the course of
+their true love ran so smoothly that it became hopelessly insipid and
+exasperating to all the old maids for blocks around. Nothing was ever
+equal to the peaceful unity of the male and female O'Korrigan; and did
+Michael find it necessary, in the course of some friendly discussion
+with a neighbor on the stairs, to call for a hatchet till he broke the
+ugly nose of the spalpeen, it was the wife of his bosom that handed him
+his own bit of a stick, and joined in the argument herself with a poker
+for a referee. But nothing's perfect in this world except the wisdom of
+owls and Congressmen, and Mrs. O'Korrigan's military virtues and
+wholesome command of her husband had the slight drawback of a
+constitutional taste for poteen. Michael expostulated with her by the
+hair, and remonstrated with her by the shoulders, and plead with her
+over the head; but all to no purpose; and he was greatly assisted and
+comforted by a bit of a preacher named Father O'Tod, who took care of
+everybody's virtue except his own. It was Father O'Tod that sat down
+beside her quite pious and comfortable, and
+
+"Ailey," says he, "it's clane disgusted I am at heart," says he, "to
+see a wake crature of the hen sex," says he, "a-cackling over a baste
+of a black bottle as if it was a fresh egg," says he. "And Ailey," says
+he, "if your husband was anything but a wake-minded bouchal of a man,"
+says he, "it's with a bit of crab-thorn that he'd be persuadin' ye to
+give it up for good," says he.
+
+"Oh, sorra the day," says she, "that I'm not behoolden to yer
+riverence," says she, "for such illigant advice," says she; "but it's
+meself that's accountable to somebody else than yerself and Michael
+O'Korrigan," says she, "for what I do," says she. "Do ye mind that,
+Father O'Tod?" says she. "And when I'm afther takin' a drop for the
+good of me health," says she, "I don't bother any one," says she; "but
+stay shut up in my own room," says she, "and only ask to be let alone,"
+says she.
+
+Now it chanced that Mr. O'Korrigan, being invited by Father O'Tod, and
+especially aggrieved by having one of his best Sunday shoes coolly
+appropriated as a sort of fanciful leathern case for the aforesaid
+black bottle, finally resolved to at least recapture his property, and,
+mayhap, spill the poteen. So he placed the hair of his head in Mrs.
+O'Korrigan's left hand, and scraped his nose against the nails of her
+right, and was enjoying himself very much, when Father O'Tod came in,
+and
+
+"Michael agrah," says he, "it's spaichless with horrors I am," says he,
+"to see ye brawling with yer own wife," says he, "and she a woman,"
+says he.
+
+"The marcy of Heaven on me!" says Mike, says he; "but isn't it yer own
+self," says he, "that's been advisin' me by the year," says he, "to
+stop her poteen?" says he.
+
+"It's not the desthruction of the poteen yer after at all," says Father
+O'Tod, says he; "but only to wrinch from her," says he, "an owld
+brogan," says he, "that ye'd be as well without," says he.
+
+Just at this moment Mr. O'Korrigan managed to get possession of the
+brogan referred to, and was commencing to use it most potently as an
+instrument of wholesome matrimonial correction, when the scuffle
+displaced the unfortunate black bottle from the pocket of Mrs.
+O'Korrigan, and it fell to the floor and--broke into fifty pieces.
+
+"It's accident that did that," says Father O'Tod, says he, "and not
+yerself at all, Michael O'Korrigan," says he; "and it's not myself,"
+says he, "that'll give aither of ye pardon," says he. "But I'm l'anin'
+to Ailey," says he, "and it's masses I'll say for her," says he, "if
+she's bate to death," says he.
+
+"Ailey, avourneen," says Mike, says he, "the bottle's broke," says he,
+"and I've got me brogan," says he, "and ye may keep the rest," says he,
+"if ye'll make up," says he.
+
+"Michael, darlint," says she, "ye can place yer big mout' in the middle
+of me faychures," says she; "but as for Father O'Tod," says she, "it's
+achin' I am to comb his hypocritical hair," says she, "with a poker,"
+says she.
+
+"Ailey, me angel," says Mike, says he, "it'll be showin' our gratitude
+to Saint Payter," says he, "that we an't both kilt intirely," says he,
+"lavin' aich other orphans," says he, "if we just slather the owld
+humbug together," says he.
+
+So they both fell upon Father O'Tod with a heartiness not to be
+described, and that excellent and neutral old gentleman was much mussed
+in his linen.
+
+Far be it from me, my boy, to say that combined Europe, and especially
+the step-mother country, is at all like Father O'Tod, or that Slavery
+in the remotest degree resembles a small black bottle; but interference
+in the quarrels of married folks is apt to excite the liveliest enmity
+of both parties, and two-against-one has been known to result quite
+spiritedly therefrom.
+
+Therefore, let the skiptail of Europe beware! for even I, an humble
+historian and no warrior, am filled with that spirit of defiance to
+everything across the Atlantic which might serve to inspire a
+brigadier, the editor of an able morning journal, a fierce turkey-cock,
+or any other type of matchless valor. One week ago, this American
+breast of mine was wild for the immediate redemption of lovely Ireland,
+by reason of the marvellous and triumphant capture of Paris by the
+thrice-valiant Mackerel Brigade; and to-day such an accession of
+national triumph stares all through the columns of our more stentorian
+morning journals, that I demand the immediate disenthrallment from
+foreign tyrants of Hungary, Poland, Venetia, Mexico, Canada, Jersey
+City, and the Guano Islands.
+
+Munchausen, my boy, has surrendered! That mirror of chivalry and
+hollow-eyed wanderer in a forest of whiskers has yielded to his noble
+desire for a piece--of something to eat, and gracefully permitted
+himself and his command to be wooed from their guiding
+star,--starvation.
+
+Immediately after the unprecedented battle for Paris, and while yet the
+agitated Miss P. Hen and divers enterprising political chaps who had
+followed our troops were organizing a Republican caucus in the bar-room
+of the captured capital, the unconquerable Mackerel Brigade pushed on
+after the unseemly Confederacies, with a view to further carnage. Not a
+stump of a tree was seen but it was at once taken for Mr. Davis
+himself, and had the direful Orange County Howitzers concentrated upon
+it; yet such dangers did not deter our venerable Mackerel boys from
+their assigned pursuit, and ere long their glittering spectacles
+surrounded a goodly swamp, wherein were perceptible the caitiff
+Confederacies up to their chins in the sacred soil. With only their
+heads above the mud, these sons of chivalry looked not unlike a vast
+cabbage-patch romantically viewed by twilight; while far up the
+vegetable vista glowed the eyes of Captain Munchausen, like those of an
+irascible Thomas cat who sees a dog down the lane.
+
+Pitching his tent in a spot where no vagrant stone could reach it, the
+General of the Mackerel Brigade took off his coat and vest, rolled up
+the legs of his inexpressibles, and commenced the following
+
+    CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+    MUNCHAUSEN, _Southern Confederacy_:
+
+    "SIR,--The result of the last strategical combat between us must
+    convince you of the hopelessness of further military confusion in
+    this country. I feel that it is so, and consider it my duty to
+    shift from myself the responsibility of further carnage by asking
+    of you the surrender of that portion of the sunny South known as
+    the Southern Confederacy.
+
+    "THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+    ("Green Seal.")
+
+You may observe, my boy, that the remark: "I feel that it is so," does
+not make the strongest kind of connection with the preceding sentence;
+but great warriors are apt to be shaky in their rhetoric; and the
+Confederacy responded thus:
+
+    "GEN. MACK. BRIG.:
+
+    "SIRRAH,--Though repelling with scorn the vandal insinuation that
+    further military confusion on my part is hopeless, I agree with you
+    as to the stoppage of further carnage, and desire to know upon what
+    terms you will haul the celebrated Southern Confederacy out of this
+    swamp.
+
+    "MUNCHAUSEN X his mark."
+
+(This chivalrous manner of signing a name with a Cross is a knightly
+expression of profound piety, descended from the ancient crusaders to
+the Southern chivalry of the present day.)
+
+To the above epistle the General thus replied:
+
+    "MUNCHAUSEN, _Southern Confederacy_:
+
+    "SIR,--I propose to receive the surrender of the well-known
+    Southern Confederacy on the following terms:
+
+    "Fresh rolls for all the officers and men to be made at once, and
+    the boots of the Southern Confederacy to be blacked by officers
+    duly appointed by the United States of America. All the officers to
+    give their individual pay rolls, that they may be cashed by the
+    United States. Such public and private property as has been stolen
+    by the well-known Southern Confederacy to be turned over to the
+    police-officers appointed to take charge of it.
+
+    "Each officer will be permitted to retain both of his arms, and,
+    together with the men, is expected to return calmly to his family,
+    and not commit assault upon the United States of America without
+    due provocation.
+
+    "THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+    ("Green Seal.")
+
+It is related in tradition, that when the knightly Munchausen received
+this epistle, he laughed horribly for the space of at least half an
+hour, as though greatly rejoiced at a bit of unparalleled waggishness.
+After which he delivered himself of four sinister winks at nothing,
+simultaneously exclaiming:
+
+"By Chivalry! here's magnanimity."
+
+After which he wrote thus:
+
+    "GEN. MACK. BRIG.:
+
+    "SIRRAH,--I have received your scrawl of this date, containing what
+    may be denominated terms of first-class board for the celebrated
+    Southern Confederacy. Inasmuch as said terms give me rather more
+    advantage than half a dozen strategical victories over your vandals
+    could possibly have procured for us, I hereby permit you to capture
+    us at once, in order to avoid further carnage in your ranks.
+
+    "MUNCHAUSEN X his mark."
+
+Other letters incidental to this business passed between the two
+paladins, my boy; but as the letters of all great men are proverbial
+for their great dignity and heaviness, and are immensely calculated to
+incline readers to untimely repose, I have spared you the infliction.
+Suffice it to say, that when Captain Villiam Brown read the Mackerel
+terms of surrender, he spasmodically applied his lips to a canteen,
+with the air of one who takes poison because the butcher's daughter has
+refused to be won by his manly shape.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, "such magnanimity!"
+
+Captain Bob Shorty was playing Old Sledge with three members of the
+Sanitary Commission when the document arrived.
+
+"By all that's Federal!" says Captain Bob Shorty, "it appears to me--it
+really appears to me, Villiam, that I never see so much magnanimity!"
+
+They took it to Captain Samyule Sa-mith as he sat by the roadside,
+straightening his highly-tempered sabre with a stone.
+
+"I cannot always agree entirely with my brother officers on all
+points," says Samyule, reflectively, "for some of them are ineddicated:
+but I find in this document great magnanimity!"
+
+Magnanimity, my boy, is the revenge of generous minds; as the venerable
+male parent feelingly observed when he made over his whole property to
+the interesting son who had just tried to poison him by putting arsenic
+into his coffee, and expressed an intention to burn him to death in his
+bed that night.
+
+The glorious news of the surrender had no sooner reached the city of
+Paris than the aged and gifted Miss P. Hen organized an enthusiastic
+mass meeting of the decrepit Union element, and a speaker's stand was
+quickly erected, over which floated a banner inscribed
+
+    REGULAR MAGNANIMOUS NOMINATION
+
+    FOR
+
+    PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
+
+    IN 1869,
+
+    _COLORADO JEWETT_.
+
+The meeting being called to order, Miss P. Hen came to the front with
+her umbrella, and addressed the populace. She stated that this meeting
+was designed for no political purpose, but only to show Providence that
+a great nation knows how to be grateful for victory. Now was the time
+to heed the heart-sobs and gushing soul-pangs of the misguided
+Confederacies, and receive back all the Rebel leaders with kisses on
+their penitent noses. As for our present President, he meant well;
+but--
+
+The speaker was suddenly interrupted by a burst of fifes and drums
+coming up the Accomac road, and right quickly there appeared a
+procession of political chaps with immense stomachs, from Chicago, who
+carried a fine banner inscribed:
+
+    REPUBLICAN NOMINATION
+
+    FOR
+
+    PRESIDENT IN 1869,
+
+    THE
+
+    _GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE_.
+
+At this apparition Miss P. Hen ate a Graham biscuit with great
+accerbity of bearing, and was about to go on with her _Te Deum_, when a
+fleshy Chicago chap lightly jumped upon the platform and pushed the
+venerable maiden aside. He said that no scheme of politics brought them
+together this time: but a humble, heartfelt wish to thank a benignant
+Heaven for the downfall of a mighty people's enemies. As for the chief
+of those enemies, the Rebel leaders, they must every one of them be
+hanged without mercy, or justice might as well be ignored forever. The
+present President was too--
+
+At this moment the hum of an approaching multitude drowned all other
+sounds, and there advanced from the rear of Paris a great band of
+high-moral citizens, with a banner announcing
+
+    UNION NOMINATION
+
+    FOR
+
+    PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
+
+    IN 1869.
+
+    _OUR UNCLE ABE_.[7]
+
+Forward surged this new audience toward the platform, and both Miss P.
+Hen and the Chicago chap had recommenced their hymns of gratitude, when
+an athletic citizen from Baltimore made a dash for the front railing
+and eloquently addressed the meeting. He was proud to see such a
+glorious concourse assembled, for no wrangling party object, but solely
+to unite in thankfulness to a greater than all earthly powers for the
+blessing of returning peace. To make that peace permanent and solid,--
+
+      [7] Four days after the date of this letter, ABRAHAM LINCOLN--the
+      wise, the just, the merciful--fell beneath the dastard blow of an
+      ignoble assassin! All that is beautiful and good in the world
+      must mourn his irreparable loss; and I need not say how consoling
+      it is to me in this dark hour to feel, that, in all my
+      extravagances of nonsense, I have never penned one word
+      concerning the Martyr-President that was not inspired by a
+      sentiment of actual affection for his genial and guileless
+      character. Thank God! his eternally-infamous murderer came of a
+      line not native to my country!
+
+      O. C. K.
+
+Here Miss P. Hen got to the front and brought down her umbrella with
+awful violence upon the bare head of the speaker, and says she: "I'm
+the Republican party myself!"
+
+"I beg your pardon, miss," says the Baltimore citizen, hotly, "but
+_I'm_ the Republican party!"
+
+"You're both impostors!" roared the Chicago chap, scientifically
+squaring-off; "for I'M the Republican party!"
+
+Crash goes the platform; down tumble the banners. Fists are plunging
+wildly in all directions, while such howls and screams arise from the
+tempest as though pandemonium were let loose to run a gamut of
+diabolical sounds.
+
+Seated upon a barrel a short distance off, I was taking a deep
+interest, through my bit of smoked glass, in this scene of exciting
+National Thanksgiving, when a strange ringing noise, or lively bellow,
+and a sharp crash very unexpectedly sounded above the din, and, on
+looking up, I beheld the Conservative Kentucky chap joyously dancing
+upon the roof of Paris, with a huge dinner-bell in his right hand, and
+a smoking three-pounder beside him.
+
+"Hooray!" shouted the Conservative Kentucky chap, blissfully standing
+on one leg. "Go in! That's the style! Sic 'em! Sic 'em! Hit 'em again,
+boys. Hem!" says the Conservative chap, with delirious enthusiasm;
+"this here sort of thing in the enemy's camp is just the ticket for our
+National Democratic Organization, of which I am the large Kentucky
+branch!"
+
+Turn away your eyes, my boy, from such scenes as these, and look with
+me along that hill-side yonder, where the gentle sun casts his
+tenderest beams upon the new spring grass. You see there are irregular
+mounds scattered all the way up the slope,--hundreds,--hundreds!
+Beneath them sleep the brave, the beautiful, the wept of the patriot
+home. Their loyal blood, poured in a fervid river to the twilight ocean
+of Eternity, has washed a pollution from our Flag, a blot from our
+escutcheon; and, oh! that it had also borne hence upon its purifying
+current that unholy, shifting beacon of political discord, which ever
+lures our Ship of State toward the breakers.
+
+Yours, reverently,
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+_JUST PUBLISHED_,
+
+A VOLUME OF POEMS BY ORPHEUS C. KERR,
+
+ENTITLED,
+
+THE PALACE BEAUTIFUL, AND OTHER POEMS.
+
+12MO, CLOTH BOUND, WITH PORTRAIT PRICE $1.50.
+
+
+The _Boston Transcript_, in speaking of this book, says: "Energy of
+feeling, sweetness of sentiment, and grace and delicacy of fancy, are
+common characteristics of the volume. A number of the poems relate to
+the incidents, ideas, and passions of the war, and rank among the most
+striking lyrics called forth by the events of the time." Copies will be
+sent by mail, _free_, on receipt of price, $1.50,
+
+by
+
+CARLETON, Publisher,
+
+New York.
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+BOOKS
+Published by
+CARLETON
+413 Broad-Way
+New-York
+1865.]
+
+
+
+
+"_There is a kind of physiognomy in the titles of books no less than in
+the faces of men, by which a skilful observer will know as well what to
+expect from the one as the other._"--BUTLER.
+
+
+
+
+NEW BOOKS
+
+And New Editions Recently Issued by
+
+CARLETON, PUBLISHER,
+NEW YORK.
+_413 BROADWAY, CORNER OF LISPENARD STREET._
+
+    N.B.--THE PUBLISHER, upon receipt of the price in advance, will
+    send any of the following Books, by mail, POSTAGE FREE, to any part
+    of the United States. This convenient and very safe mode may be
+    adopted when the neighboring Booksellers are not supplied with the
+    desired work. State name and address in full.
+
+
+Victor Hugo.
+
+LES MISERABLES.--_The best edition_, two elegant 8vo. vols.,
+beautifully bound in cloth, $5.50; half calf,                  $10.00
+
+LES MISERABLES..--_The popular edition_, one large octavo volume, paper
+covers, $2.00; cloth bound,                                     $2.50
+
+LES MISERABLES.--Original edition in five vols.--Fantine--Cosette--
+Marius--Denis--Valjean. 8vo. cloth,                             $1.25
+
+LES MISERABLES.--In the Spanish language. Fine 8vo. edition, two vols.,
+paper covers, $4.00; or cloth, bound,                           $5.00
+
+THE LIFE OF VICTOR HUGO.--By himself. 8vo. cloth,               $1.75
+
+
+By the Author of "Rutledge."
+
+RUTLEDGE.--A deeply interesting novel.             12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+THE SUTHERLANDS.--               do.                 do.        $1.75
+
+FRANK WARRINGTON.--              do.                 do.        $1.75
+
+LOUIE'S LAST TERM AT ST. MARY'S.--                   do.        $1.75
+
+ST. PHILIP'S.--_Just published._                     do.        $1.75
+
+
+Hand-Books of Good Society.
+
+THE HABITS OF GOOD SOCIETY; with Thoughts, Hints, and Anecdotes,
+concerning nice points of taste, good manners and the art of making
+oneself agreeable. Reprinted from the London Edition. The best and most
+entertaining work of the kind ever published.      12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+THE ART OF CONVERSATION.--With directions for self-culture. A sensible
+and instructive work, that ought to be in the hands of every one who
+wishes to be either an agreeable talker or listener.
+                                                   12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+
+Miss Augusta J. Evans.
+
+BEULAH.--A novel of great power.                   12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+
+Mrs. Mary J. Holmes' Works.
+
+DARKNESS AND DAYLIGHT.--_Just published._            12mo. cl., $1.50
+
+LENA RIVERS.--               A Novel.               do.         $1.50
+
+TEMPEST AND SUNSHINE.--        do.                  do.         $1.50
+
+MARIAN GREY.--                 do.                  do.         $1.50
+
+MEADOW BROOK.--                do.                  do.         $1.50
+
+ENGLISH ORPHANS.--             do.                  do.         $1.50
+
+DORA DEANE.--                  do.                  do.         $1.50
+
+COUSIN MAUDE.--                do.                  do.         $1.50
+
+HOMESTEAD ON THE HILLSIDE.--   do.                  do.         $1.50
+
+HUGH WORTHINGTON.--_Just published._                do.         $1.50
+
+
+Artemus Ward.
+
+HIS BOOK.--An irresistibly funny volume of writings by the immortal
+American humorist.                                 12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+A NEW BOOK.--_In press._                               do.      $1.50
+
+
+Miss Muloch.
+
+JOHN HALIFAX.--A novel. With illust.               12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+A LIFE FOR A LIFE.--        do.                        do.      $l.75
+
+
+Charlotte Bronte (Currer Bell).
+
+JANE EYRE.--A novel. With illustration.            12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+THE PROFESSOR.--do.         do.                        do.      $1.75
+
+SHIRLEY.--      do.         do.                        do.      $1.75
+
+VILLETTE.--     do.         do.                        do.      $1.75
+
+
+Edmund Kirke.
+
+AMONG THE PINES.--A Southern sketch.               12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+MY SOUTHERN FRIENDS.--      do.                        do.      $1.50
+
+DOWN IN TENNESSEE.--Just published.                    do.      $1.50
+
+
+Cuthbert Bede.
+
+VERDANT GREEN.--A rollicking, humorous novel of English student life;
+with 200 comic illustrations.                      12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+NEARER AND DEARER.--A novel, illustrated.           12mo. clo., $1.50
+
+
+Richard B. Kimball.
+
+WAS HE SUCCESSFUL?--    A novel.                   12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+UNDERCURRENTS.--          do.                          do.      $1.75
+
+SAINT LEGER.--            do.                          do.      $1.75
+
+ROMANCE OF STUDENT LIFE.--do.                          do.      $1.75
+
+IN THE TROPICS.--Edited by R. B. Kimball.              do.      $1.75
+
+
+Epes Sargent.
+
+PECULIAR.--One of the most remarkable and successful novels
+published in this country.                         12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+
+A. S. Roe's Works.
+
+A LONG LOOK AHEAD.--    A novel.                   12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+TO LOVE AND TO BE LOVED.--do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+TIME AND TIDE.--          do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+I'VE BEEN THINKING.--     do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+THE STAR AND THE CLOUD.-- do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+TRUE TO THE LAST.--       do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+HOW COULD HE HELP IT.--   do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+LIKE AND UNLIKE.--        do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+LOOKING AROUND.--_Just published._                     do.      $1.50
+
+
+Walter Barrett, Clerk.
+
+OLD MERCHANTS OF NEW YORK.--Being personal incidents, interesting
+sketches, bits of biography, and gossipy events in the life of nearly
+every leading merchant in New York City. Three series.
+                                             12mo. cloth, each, $1.75
+
+
+T. S. Arthur's New Works.
+
+LIGHT ON SHADOWED PATHS.--A novel.                 12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+OUT IN THE WORLD.--       do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+NOTHING BUT MONEY.--      do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+WHAT CAME AFTERWARDS.--_In press._                     do.      $1.50
+
+
+Orpheus C. Kerr.
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.--Three series.             12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+THE PALACE BEAUTIFUL.--And other poems.                do.      $1.50
+
+
+M. Michelet's Works.
+
+LOVE (L'AMOUR).--From the French.                  12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+WOMAN (LA FEMME.)--       do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+
+Novels by Ruffini.
+
+DR. ANTONIO.--A love story of Italy.               12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+LAVINIA; OR, THE ITALIAN ARTIST.--                     do.      $1.75
+
+VINCENZO; OR, SUNKEN ROCKS.--                       8vo. cloth, $1.75
+
+
+Rev John Cumming, D.D., of London.
+
+THE GREAT TRIBULATION.--Two series.                12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+THE GREAT PREPARATION.--  do.                          do.      $1.50
+
+THE GREAT CONSUMMATION.-- do.                         do.       $1.50
+
+
+Ernest Renan.
+
+THE LIFE OF JESUS.--Translated by C. E. Wilbour from the celebrated
+French work.                                       12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+RELIGIOUS HISTORY AND CRITICISM.--                  8vo. cloth, $2.50
+
+
+Cuyler Pine.
+
+MARY BRANDEGEE.--An American novel.                             $1.75
+
+A NEW NOVEL.--_In press._                                       $1.75
+
+
+Charles Reade.
+
+THE CLOISTER AND THE HEARTH.--A magnificent new novel, by the author of
+"Hard Cash," etc.                                   8vo. cloth, $2.00
+
+
+The Opera.
+
+TALES FROM THE OPERAS.--A collection of clever stories, based upon the
+plots of all the famous operas.                      12mo. cl., $1.50
+
+
+J. C. Jeaffreson.
+
+A BOOK ABOUT DOCTORS.--An exceedingly humorous and entertaining volume
+of sketches, stories, and facts, about famous physicians and surgeons.
+                                                   12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+
+Fred. S. Cozzens.
+
+THE SPARROWGRASS PAPERS.--A capital humorous work, with illustrations
+by Darley.                                         12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+
+F. D. Guerrazzi.
+
+BEATRICE CENCI.--A great historical novel. Translated from the Italian;
+with a portrait of the Cenci, from Guido's famous picture in Rome.
+                                                   12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+
+Private Miles O'Reilly.
+
+HIS BOOK.--Comic songs, speeches, &c.              12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+A NEW NOVEL.--_In press._                              do.      $1.50
+
+
+The New York Central Park.
+
+A SUPERB GIFT BOOK.--The Central Park pleasantly described, and
+magnificently embellished with more than 50 exquisite photographs of
+the principal views and objects of interest. A large quarto volume,
+sumptuously bound in Turkey morocco,                           $30.00
+
+
+Joseph Rodman Drake.
+
+THE CULPRIT FAY.--The most charming faery poem in the English language.
+Beautifully printed.                             12mo. cloth, 75 cts.
+
+
+Mother Goose for Grown Folks.
+
+HUMOROUS RHYMES for grown people; based upon the famous "Mother Goose
+Melodies."                                         12mo. cloth, $1.00
+
+
+Mrs. ---- ----
+
+FAIRY FINGERS.--A new novel.                       12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+THE MUTE SINGER.--do.  _In press._                     do.      $1.75
+
+
+Robert B. Roosevelt.
+
+THE GAME FISH OF THE NORTH.--Illustrated             12mo. cl., $2.00
+
+SUPERIOR FISHING.--_Just published._                   do.      $2.00
+
+THE GAME BIRDS OF THE NORTH.--_In press._                       $2.00
+
+
+John Phoenix.
+
+THE SQUIBOB PAPERS.--With comic illustr.             12mo. cl., $1.50
+
+
+N. H. Chamberlain.
+
+THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A NEW ENGLAND FARM-HOUSE.--                $1.75
+
+
+Amelia B. Edwards.
+
+BALLADS.--By author of "Barbara's History."                     $1.50
+
+
+S. M. Johnson.
+
+FREE GOVERNMENT IN ENGLAND AND AMERICA.--             8vo. cl., $3.00
+
+
+Captain Semmes.
+
+THE ALABAMA AND SUMTER.--                            12mo. cl., $2.00
+
+
+Hewes Gordon.
+
+LOVERS AND THINKERS.--A new novel.                              $1.50
+
+
+Caroline May.
+
+POEMS.--_Just published._                          12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+
+Slavery.
+
+THE SUPPRESSED BOOK ABOUT SLAVERY.--               12mo. cloth, $2.00
+
+
+Railroad and Insurance.
+
+ALMANAC FOR 1865.--Full of Statistics.              8vo. cloth, $2.00
+
+
+Stephen Massett.
+
+DRIFTING ABOUT.--Comic book, illustrated.          12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+
+Thomas Bailey Aldrich.
+
+BABIE BELL, AND OTHER POEMS.--           Blue and gold binding, $1.50
+
+OUT OF HIS HEAD.--A new romance.                   12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+
+Richard H. Stoddard.
+
+THE KING'S BELL.--A new poem.                    12mo. cloth, 75 cts.
+
+THE MORGESONS.--A novel. By Mrs. R. H. Stoddard.                $1.50
+
+
+Edmund C. Stedman.
+
+ALICE OF MONMOUTH.--A new poem.                    12mo. cloth, $1.25
+
+LYRICS AND IDYLS.--                                    do.      $1.25
+
+
+M. T. Walworth.
+
+LULU.--A new novel.                                12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+HOTSPUR.--  do.                                        do.      $1.50
+
+
+Author of "Olie."
+
+NEPENTHE.--A new novel.                            12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+TOGETHER.-- do.                                        do.      $1.50
+
+
+Quest.
+
+A NEW ROMANCE.--                                   12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+
+Victoire.
+
+A NEW NOVEL.--                                     12mo. cloth, $1.75
+
+
+James H. Hackett.
+
+NOTES AND COMMENTS ON SHAKSPEARE.--                12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+
+Miscellaneous Works.
+
+JOHN GUILDERSTRING'S SIN.--A novel.                12mo. cloth, $1.50
+
+CENTEOLA.--By author "Green Mountain Boys."            do.      $1.50
+
+RED TAPE AND PIGEON-HOLE GENERALS.--                   do.      $1.50
+
+THE PARTISAN LEADER.--By Beverly Tucker.               do.      $1.50
+
+ADAM GUROWSKI.--Washington diary for 1863.             do.      $1.50
+
+TREATISE ON DEAFNESS.--By Dr. E. B. Lighthill.          do.     $1.50
+
+THE PRISONER OF STATE.--By D. A. Mahoney.              do.      $1.50
+
+AROUND THE PYRAMIDS.--By Gen. Aaron Ward.              do.      $1.50
+
+CHINA AND THE CHINESE.--By W. L. G. Smith.             do.      $1.50
+
+THE WINTHROPS.--A novel by J. R. Beckwith.             do.      $1.75
+
+SPREES AND SPLASHES.--By Henry Morford.                do.      $1.50
+
+GARRET VAN HORN.--A novel by J. S. Sauzade.            do.      $1.50
+
+SCHOOL FOR THE SOLDIER.--By Capt. Van Ness.            do.    50 cts.
+
+THE YACHTMAN'S PRIMER.--By T. R. Warren.               do.    50 cts.
+
+EDGAR POE AND HIS CRITICS.--By Mrs. Whitman.           do.      $1.00
+
+ERIC; OR, LITTLE BY LITTLE.--By F. W. Farrar           do.      $1.50
+
+SAINT WINIFRED'S.--By the author of "Eric."            do.      $1.50
+
+A WOMAN'S THOUGHTS ABOUT WOMEN.--                      do.      $1.50
+
+THE SEA.--By Michelet, author of "Love."               do.      $1.50
+
+MARRIED OFF.--Illustrated satirical poem.              do.    50 cts.
+
+SCHOOL-DAYS OF EMINENT MEN.--By Timbs.                 do.      $1.50
+
+ROMANCE OF A POOR YOUNG MAN.--                         do.      $1.50
+
+THE FLYING DUTCHMAN.--J. G. Saxe, illustrated.         do.    75 cts.
+
+ALEXANDER VON HUMBOLDT.--Life and travels.             do.      $1.50
+
+LIFE OF HUGH MILLER.--The celebrated geologist.        do.      $1.50
+
+LYRICS OF A DAY.--or, newspaper poetry.                do.      $1.00
+
+THE U.S. TAX LAW.--"Government Edition."               do.      $1.00
+
+TACTICS; or, Cupid in Shoulder-Straps.                 do.      $1.50
+
+DEBT AND GRACE.--By Rev. C. F. Hudson.                 do.      $1.75
+
+THE RUSSIAN BALL.--Illustrated satirical poem.         do.    50 cts.
+
+THE SNOBLACE BALL.--  do.     do.     do.              do.    50 cts.
+
+THE CHURCH IN THE ARMY.--By Dr. Scott.                 do.      $1.75
+
+TEACH US TO PRAY.--By Dr. Cumming.                     do.      $1.50
+
+AN ANSWER TO HUGH MILLER.--By T. A. Davies.            do.      $1.50
+
+COSMOGONY.--By Thomas A. Davies.                    8vo. cloth, $2.00
+
+TWENTY YEARS around the World. J. Guy Vassar.          do.      $3.75
+
+THE SLAVE POWER.--By J. E. Cairnes.                    do.      $2.00
+
+RURAL ARCHITECTURE.--By M. Field, illustrated.         do.      $2.00
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 3, by 
+Robert H. Newell
+
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