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diff --git a/3182-0.txt b/3182-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a55442 --- /dev/null +++ b/3182-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1993 @@ +Some Rambling Notes of an Idle Excursion, by Mark Twain + + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Some Rambling Notes of an Idle Excursion +by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost +no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use +it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this +eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Some Rambling Notes of an Idle Excursion + +Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Release Date: August 19, 2006 [EBook #3182] +Last Updated: February 24, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RAMBLING NOTES *** + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + + + +SOME RAMBLING NOTES OF AN IDLE EXCURSION + +by Mark Twain + + + + + + +I. + +All the journeyings I had ever done had been purely in the way of +business. The pleasant May weather suggested a novelty namely, a trip +for pure recreation, the bread-and-butter element left out. The Reverend +said he would go, too; a good man, one of the best of men, although a +clergyman. By eleven at night we were in New Haven and on board the New +York boat. We bought our tickets, and then went wandering around here +and there, in the solid comfort of being free and idle, and of putting +distance between ourselves and the mails and telegraphs. + +After a while I went to my stateroom and undressed, but the night +was too enticing for bed. We were moving down the bay now, and it was +pleasant to stand at the window and take the cool night breeze and watch +the gliding lights on shore. Presently, two elderly men sat down +under that window and began a conversation. Their talk was properly +no business of mine, yet I was feeling friendly toward the world and +willing to be entertained. I soon gathered that they were brothers, that +they were from a small Connecticut village, and that the matter in hand +concerned the cemetery. Said one: + +“Now, John, we talked it all over amongst ourselves, and this is what +we've done. You see, everybody was a-movin' from the old buryin'-ground, +and our folks was 'most about left to theirselves, as you may say. They +was crowded, too, as you know; lot wa'n't big enough in the first place; +and last year, when Seth's wife died, we couldn't hardly tuck her in. +She sort o' overlaid Deacon Shorb's lot, and he soured on her, so to +speak, and on the rest of us, too. So we talked it over, and I was for +a lay out in the new simitery on the hill. They wa'n't unwilling, if +it was cheap. Well, the two best and biggest plots was No. 8 and No. +9--both of a size; nice comfortable room for twenty-six--twenty-six +full-growns, that is; but you reckon in children and other shorts, and +strike an average, and I should say you might lay in thirty, or maybe +thirty-two or three, pretty genteel--no crowdin' to signify.” + +“That's a plenty, William. Which one did you buy?” + +“Well, I'm a-comin' to that, John. You see, No. 8 was thirteen dollars, +No. 9 fourteen--” + +“I see. So's't you took No. 8.” + +“You wait. I took No. 9. And I'll tell you for why. In the first place, +Deacon Shorb wanted it. Well, after the way he'd gone on about Seth's +wife overlappin' his prem'ses, I'd 'a' beat him out of that No. 9 if I'd +'a' had to stand two dollars extra, let alone one. That's the way I felt +about it. Says I, what's a dollar, anyway? Life's on'y a pilgrimage, +says I; we ain't here for good, and we can't take it with us, says I. So +I just dumped it down, knowin' the Lord don't suffer a good deed to go +for nothin', and cal'latin' to take it out o' somebody in the course +o' trade. Then there was another reason, John. No. 9's a long way the +handiest lot in the simitery, and the likeliest for situation. It lays +right on top of a knoll in the dead center of the buryin' ground; and +you can see Millport from there, and Tracy's, and Hopper Mount, and +a raft o' farms, and so on. There ain't no better outlook from a +buryin'-plot in the state. Si Higgins says so, and I reckon he ought to +know. Well, and that ain't all. 'Course Shorb had to take No. 8; wa'n't +no help for 't. Now, No. 8 jines onto No. 9, but it's on the slope +of the hill, and every time it rains it 'll soak right down onto the +Shorbs. Si Higgins says 't when the deacon's time comes, he better take +out fire and marine insurance both on his remains.” + +Here there was the sound of a low, placid, duplicate chuckle of +appreciation and satisfaction. + +“Now, John, here's a little rough draft of the ground that I've made +on a piece of paper. Up here in the left-hand corner we've bunched the +departed; took them from the old graveyard and stowed them one alongside +o' t'other, on a first-come-first-served plan, no partialities, with +Gran'ther Jones for a starter, on'y because it happened so, and windin' +up indiscriminate with Seth's twins. A little crowded towards the end of +the lay-out, maybe, but we reckoned 'twa'n't best to scatter the twins. +Well, next comes the livin'. Here, where it's marked A, we're goin' to +put Mariar and her family, when they're called; B, that's for Brother +Hosea and hisn; C, Calvin and tribe. What's left is these two lots +here--just the gem of the whole patch for general style and outlook; +they're for me and my folks, and you and yourn. Which of them would you +ruther be buried in?” + +“I swan, you've took me mighty unexpected, William! It sort of started +the shivers. Fact is, I was thinkin' so busy about makin' things +comfortable for the others, I hadn't thought about being buried myself.” + +“Life's on'y a fleetin' show, John, as the sayin' is. We've all got to +go, sooner or later. To go with a clean record's the main thing. Fact +is, it's the on'y thing worth strivin' for, John.” + +“Yes, that's so, William, that's so; there ain't no getting around it. +Which of these lots would you recommend?” + +“Well, it depends, John. Are you particular about outlook?” + +“I don't say I am, William, I don't say I ain't. Reely, I don't know. +But mainly, I reckon, I'd set store by a south exposure.” + +“That's easy fixed, John. They're both south exposure. They take the +sun, and the Shorbs get the shade.” + +“How about sile, William?” + +“D's a sandy sile, E's mostly loom.” + +“You may gimme E, then; William; a sandy sile caves in, more or less, +and costs for repairs.” + +“All right, set your name down here, John, under E. Now, if you don't +mind payin' me your share of the fourteen dollars, John, while we're on +the business, everything's fixed.” + +After some higgling and sharp bargaining the money was paid, and John +bade his brother good night and took his leave. There was silence for +some moments; then a soft chuckle welled up from the lonely William, +and he muttered: “I declare for 't, if I haven't made a mistake! It's +D that's mostly loom, not E. And John's booked for a sandy sile after +all.” + +There was another soft chuckle, and William departed to his rest also. + +The next day, in New York, was a hot one. Still we managed to get more +or less entertainment out of it. Toward the middle of the afternoon we +arrived on board the stanch steamship Bermuda, with bag and baggage, and +hunted for a shady place. It was blazing summer weather, until we were +half-way down the harbor. Then I buttoned my coat closely; half an hour +later I put on a spring overcoat and buttoned that. As we passed the +light-ship I added an ulster and tied a handkerchief around the collar +to hold it snug to my neck. So rapidly had the summer gone and winter +come again! + +By nightfall we were far out at sea, with no land in sight. No telegrams +could come here, no letters, no news. This was an uplifting thought. It +was still more uplifting to reflect that the millions of harassed people +on shore behind us were suffering just as usual. + +The next day brought us into the midst of the Atlantic solitudes--out +of smoke-colored sounding into fathomless deep blue; no ships visible +anywhere over the wide ocean; no company but Mother Carey's chickens +wheeling, darting, skimming the waves in the sun. There were some +seafaring men among the passengers, and conversation drifted into +matters concerning ships and sailors. One said that “true as the needle +to the pole” was a bad figure, since the needle seldom pointed to the +pole. He said a ship's compass was not faithful to any particular point, +but was the most fickle and treacherous of the servants of man. It was +forever changing. It changed every day in the year; consequently the +amount of the daily variation had to be ciphered out and allowance made +for it, else the mariner would go utterly astray. Another said there was +a vast fortune waiting for the genius who should invent a compass that +would not be affected by the local influences of an iron ship. He said +there was only one creature more fickle than a wooden ship's compass, +and that was the compass of an iron ship. Then came reference to the +well known fact that an experienced mariner can look at the compass of a +new iron vessel, thousands of miles from her birthplace, and tell which +way her head was pointing when she was in process of building. + +Now an ancient whale-ship master fell to talking about the sort of crews +they used to have in his early days. Said he: + +“Sometimes we'd have a batch of college students. Queer lot. Ignorant? +Why, they didn't know the catheads from the main brace. But if you took +them for fools you'd get bit, sure. They'd learn more in a month than +another man would in a year. We had one, once, in the Mary Ann, that +came aboard with gold spectacles on. And besides, he was rigged out from +main truck to keelson in the nobbiest clothes that ever saw a fo'castle. +He had a chestful, too: cloaks, and broadcloth coats, and velvet vests; +everything swell, you know; and didn't the saltwater fix them out for +him? I guess not! Well, going to sea, the mate told him to go aloft and +help shake out the foreto'gallants'l. Up he shins to the foretop, +with his spectacles on, and in a minute down he comes again, looking +insulted. Says the mate, 'What did you come down for?' Says the chap, +'P'r'aps you didn't notice that there ain't any ladders above there.' +You see we hadn't any shrouds above the foretop. The men bursted out in +a laugh such as I guess you never heard the like of. Next night, +which was dark and rainy, the mate ordered this chap to go aloft about +something, and I'm dummed if he didn't start up with an umbrella and a +lantern! But no matter; he made a mighty good sailor before the voyage +was done, and we had to hunt up something else to laugh at. Years +afterwards, when I had forgot all about him, I comes into Boston, mate +of a ship, and was loafing around town with the second mate, and it so +happened that we stepped into the Revere House, thinking maybe we would +chance the salt-horse in that big diningroom for a flyer, as the +boys say. Some fellows were talking just at our elbow, and one says, +'Yonder's the new governor of Massachusetts--at that table over there +with the ladies.' We took a good look my mate and I, for we hadn't +either of us ever seen a governor before. I looked and looked at that +face and then all of a sudden it popped on me! But I didn't give any +sign. Says I, 'Mate, I've a notion to go over and shake hands with him.' +Says he 'I think I see you doing it, Tom.' Says I, 'Mate I'm a-going to +do it.' Says he, 'Oh, yes, I guess so. Maybe you don't want to bet you +will, Tom?' Say I, 'I don't mind going a V on it, mate.' Says he 'Put it +up.' 'Up she goes,' says I, planking the cash. This surprised him. But +he covered it, and says pretty sarcastic, 'Hadn't you better take +your grub with the governor and the ladies, Tom?' Says I 'Upon second +thoughts, I will.' Says he, 'Well Tom, you aye a dum fool.' Says I, +'Maybe I am maybe I ain't; but the main question is, do you wan to risk +two and a half that I won't do it?' 'Make it a V,' says he. 'Done,' says +I. I started, him a giggling and slapping his hand on his thigh, he felt +so good. I went over there and leaned my knuckles on the table a minute +and looked the governor in the face, and says I, 'Mr. Gardner, don't you +know me?' He stared, and I stared, and he stared. Then all of a sudden +he sings out, 'Tom Bowling, by the holy poker! Ladies, it's old Tom +Bowling, that you've heard me talk about--shipmate of mine in the Mary +Ann.' He rose up and shook hands with me ever so hearty--I sort of +glanced around and took a realizing sense of my mate's saucer eyes--and +then says the governor, 'Plant yourself, Tom, plant yourself; you can't +cat your anchor again till you've had a feed with me and the ladies!' I +planted myself alongside the governor, and canted my eye around toward +my mate. Well, sir, his dead-lights were bugged out like tompions; and +his mouth stood that wide open that you could have laid a ham in it +without him noticing it.” + +There was great applause at the conclusion of the old captain's story; +then, after a moment's silence, a grave, pale young man said: + +“Had you ever met the governor before?” + +The old captain looked steadily at this inquirer awhile, and then got +up and walked aft without making any reply. One passenger after another +stole a furtive glance at the inquirer; but failed to make him out, and +so gave him up. It took some little work to get the talk-machinery +to running smoothly again after this derangement; but at length a +conversation sprang up about that important and jealously guarded +instrument, a ship's timekeeper, its exceeding delicate accuracy, and +the wreck and destruction that have sometimes resulted from its varying +a few seemingly trifling moments from the true time; then, in due +course, my comrade, the Reverend, got off on a yarn, with a fair +wind and everything drawing. It was a true story, too--about Captain +Rounceville's shipwreck--true in every detail. It was to this effect: + +Captain Rounceville's vessel was lost in mid-Atlantic, and likewise his +wife and his two little children. Captain Rounceville and seven seamen +escaped with life, but with little else. A small, rudely constructed +raft was to be their home for eight days. They had neither provisions +nor water. They had scarcely any clothing; no one had a coat but the +captain. This coat was changing hands all the time, for the weather was +very cold. Whenever a man became exhausted with the cold, they put the +coat on him and laid him down between two shipmates until the garment +and their bodies had warmed life into him again. Among the sailors was a +Portuguese who knew no English. He seemed to have no thought of his own +calamity, but was concerned only about the captain's bitter loss of wife +and children. By day he would look his dumb compassion in the captain's +face; and by night, in the darkness and the driving spray and rain, he +would seek out the captain and try to comfort him with caressing pats +on the shoulder. One day, when hunger and thirst were making their sure +inroads upon the men's strength and spirits, a floating barrel was seen +at a distance. It seemed a great find, for doubtless it contained food +of some sort. A brave fellow swam to it, and after long and exhausting +effort got it to the raft. It was eagerly opened. It was a barrel of +magnesia! On the fifth day an onion was spied. A sailor swam off and got +it. Although perishing with hunger, he brought it in its integrity and +put it into the captain's hand. The history of the sea teaches +that among starving, shipwrecked men selfishness is rare, and a +wonder-compelling magnanimity the rule. The onion was equally divided +into eight parts, and eaten with deep thanksgivings. On the eighth day +a distant ship was sighted. Attempts were made to hoist an oar, with +Captain Rounceville's coat on it for a signal. There were many failures, +for the men were but skeletons now, and strengthless. At last success +was achieved, but the signal brought no help. The ship faded out of +sight and left despair behind her. By and by another ship appeared, and +passed so near that the castaways, every eye eloquent with gratitude, +made ready to welcome the boat that would be sent to save them. But +this ship also drove on, and left these men staring their unutterable +surprise and dismay into each other's ashen faces. Late in the day, +still another ship came up out of the distance, but the men noted with +a pang that her course was one which would not bring her nearer. Their +remnant of life was nearly spent; their lips and tongues were swollen, +parched, cracked with eight days' thirst; their bodies starved; and here +was their last chance gliding relentlessly from them; they would not +be alive when the next sun rose. For a day or two past the men had lost +their voices, but now Captain Rounceville whispered, “Let us pray.” + The Portuguese patted him on the shoulder in sign of deep approval. All +knelt at the base of the oar that was waving the signal-coat aloft, and +bowed their heads. The sea was tossing; the sun rested, a red, rayless +disk, on the sea-line in the west. When the men presently raised their +heads they would have roared a hallelujah if they had had a voice--the +ship's sails lay wrinkled and flapping against her masts--she was going +about! Here was rescue at last, and in the very last instant of time +that was left for it. No, not rescue yet--only the imminent prospect of +it. The red disk sank under the sea, and darkness blotted out the ship. +By and by came a pleasant sound--oars moving in a boat's rowlocks. +Nearer it came, and nearer-within thirty steps, but nothing visible. +Then a deep voice: “Hol-lo!” The castaways could not answer; their +swollen tongues refused voice. The boat skirted round and round the +raft, started away--the agony of it!--returned, rested the oars, close +at hand, listening, no doubt. The deep voice again: “Hol-lo! Where +are ye, shipmates?” Captain Rounceville whispered to his men, saying: +“Whisper your best, boys! now--all at once!” So they sent out an +eightfold whisper in hoarse concert: “Here!”, There was life in it if +it succeeded; death if it failed. After that supreme moment Captain +Rounceville was conscious of nothing until he came to himself on board +the saving ship. Said the Reverend, concluding: + +“There was one little moment of time in which that raft could be visible +from that ship, and only one. If that one little fleeting moment had +passed unfruitful, those men's doom was sealed. As close as that does +God shave events foreordained from the beginning of the world. When +the sun reached the water's edge that day, the captain of that ship was +sitting on deck reading his prayer-book. The book fell; he stooped to +pick it up, and happened to glance at the sun. In that instant that +far-off raft appeared for a second against the red disk, its needlelike +oar and diminutive signal cut sharp and black against the bright +surface, and in the next instant was thrust away into the dusk again. +But that ship, that captain, and that pregnant instant had had their +work appointed for them in the dawn of time and could not fail of the +performance. The chronometer of God never errs!” + +There was deep, thoughtful silence for some moments. Then the grave, +pale young man said: + +“What is the chronometer of God?” + + + + + +II. + +At dinner, six o'clock, the same people assembled whom we had talked +with on deck and seen at luncheon and breakfast this second day out, +and at dinner the evening before. That is to say, three journeying +ship-masters, a Boston merchant, and a returning Bermudian who had been +absent from his Bermuda thirteen years; these sat on the starboard side. +On the port side sat the Reverend in the seat of honor; the pale young +man next to him; I next; next to me an aged Bermudian, returning to his +sunny islands after an absence of twenty-seven years. Of course, our +captain was at the head of the table, the purser at the foot of it. A +small company, but small companies are pleasantest. + +No racks upon the table; the sky cloudless, the sun brilliant, the blue +sea scarcely ruffled; then what had become of the four married couples, +the three bachelors, and the active and obliging doctor from the rural +districts of Pennsylvania?--for all these were on deck when we +sailed down New York harbor. This is the explanation. I quote from my +note-book: + + + Thursday, 3.30 P.M. Under way, passing the Battery. The large + party, of four married couples, three bachelors, and a cheery, + exhilarating doctor from the wilds of Pennsylvania, are evidently + traveling together. All but the doctor grouped in camp-chairs on + deck. + + Passing principal fort. The doctor is one of those people who has + an infallible preventive of seasickness; is flitting from friend to + friend administering it and saying, “Don't you be afraid; I know + this medicine; absolutely infallible; prepared under my own + supervision.” Takes a dose himself, intrepidly. + + 4.15 P.M. Two of those ladies have struck their colors, + notwithstanding the “infallible.” They have gone below. The other + two begin to show distress. + + 5 P.M. Exit one husband and one bachelor. These still had their + infallible in cargo when they started, but arrived at the + companionway without it. + + 5.10. Lady No. 3, two bachelors, and one married man have gone + below with their own opinion of the infallible. + + 5.20. Passing Quarantine Hulk. The infallible has done the + business for all the party except the Scotchman's wife and the + author of that formidable remedy. + + Nearing the Light-Ship. Exit the Scotchman's wife, head drooped on + stewardess's shoulder. + + Entering the open sea. Exit doctor! + +The rout seems permanent; hence the smallness of the company at table +since the voyage began. Our captain is a grave, handsome Hercules of +thirty-five, with a brown hand of such majestic size that one cannot +eat for admiring it and wondering if a single kid or calf could furnish +material for gloving it. + +Conversation not general; drones along between couples. One catches a +sentence here and there. Like this, from Bermudian of thirteen years' +absence: “It is the nature of women to ask trivial, irrelevant, and +pursuing questions--questions that pursue you from a beginning +in nothing to a run-to-cover in nowhere.” Reply of Bermudian of +twenty-seven years' absence: “Yes; and to think they have logical, +analytical minds and argumentative ability. You see 'em begin to whet up +whenever they smell argument in the air.” Plainly these be philosophers. + +Twice since we left port our engines have stopped for a couple of +minutes at a time. Now they stop again. Says the pale young man, +meditatively, “There!--that engineer is sitting down to rest again.” + +Grave stare from the captain, whose mighty jaws cease to work, and +whose harpooned potato stops in midair on its way to his open, paralyzed +mouth. Presently he says in measured tones, “Is it your idea that the +engineer of this ship propels her by a crank turned by his own hands?” + +The pale young man studies over this a moment, then lifts up his +guileless eyes, and says, “Don't he?” + +Thus gently falls the death-blow to further conversation, and the dinner +drags to its close in a reflective silence, disturbed by no sounds but +the murmurous wash of the sea and the subdued clash of teeth. + +After a smoke and a promenade on deck, where is no motion to discompose +our steps, we think of a game of whist. We ask the brisk and capable +stewardess from Ireland if there are any cards in the ship. + +“Bless your soul, dear, indeed there is. Not a whole pack, true for ye, +but not enough missing to signify.” + +However, I happened by accident to bethink me of a new pack in a morocco +case, in my trunk, which I had placed there by mistake, thinking it to +be a flask of something. So a party of us conquered the tedium of the +evening with a few games and were ready for bed at six bells, mariner's +time, the signal for putting out the lights. + +There was much chat in the smoking-cabin on the upper deck after +luncheon to-day, mostly whaler yarns from those old sea-captains. +Captain Tom Bowling was garrulous. He had that garrulous attention to +minor detail which is born of secluded farm life or life at sea on long +voyages, where there is little to do and time no object. He would sail +along till he was right in the most exciting part of a yarn, and then +say, “Well, as I was saying, the rudder was fouled, ship driving before +the gale, head-on, straight for the iceberg, all hands holding their +breath, turned to stone, top-hamper giving 'way, sails blown to ribbons, +first one stick going, then another, boom! smash! crash! duck your head +and stand from under! when up comes Johnny Rogers, capstan-bar in hand, +eyes a-blazing, hair a-flying... no, 'twa'n't Johnny Rogers... lemme see +... seems to me Johnny Rogers wa'n't along that voyage; he was along +one voyage, I know that mighty well, but somehow it seems to me that he +signed the articles for this voyage, but--but--whether he come along or +not, or got left, or something happened--” + +And so on and so on till the excitement all cooled down and nobody cared +whether the ship struck the iceberg or not. + +In the course of his talk he rambled into a criticism upon New England +degrees of merit in ship building. Said he, “You get a vessel built away +down Maine-way; Bath, for instance; what's the result? First thing you +do, you want to heave her down for repairs--that's the result! Well, +sir, she hain't been hove down a week till you can heave a dog through +her seams. You send that vessel to sea, and what's the result? She wets +her oakum the first trip! Leave it to any man if 'tain't so. Well, +you let our folks build you a vessel--down New Bedford-way. What's the +result? Well, sir, you might take that ship and heave her down, and keep +her hove down six months, and she'll never shed a tear!” + +Everybody, landsmen and all, recognized the descriptive neatness of +that figure, and applauded, which greatly pleased the old man. A moment +later, the meek eyes of the pale young fellow heretofore mentioned came +up slowly, rested upon the old man's face a moment, and the meek mouth +began to open. + +“Shet your head!” shouted the old mariner. + +It was a rather startling surprise to everybody, but it was effective +in the matter of its purpose. So the conversation flowed on instead of +perishing. + +There was some talk about the perils of the sea, and a landsman +delivered himself of the customary nonsense about the poor mariner +wandering in far oceans, tempest-tossed, pursued by dangers, every +storm-blast and thunderbolt in the home skies moving the friends by +snug firesides to compassion for that poor mariner, and prayers for his +succor. Captain Bowling put up with this for a while, and then burst out +with a new view of the matter. + +“Come, belay there! I have read this kind of rot all my life in poetry +and tales and such-like rubbage. Pity for the poor mariner! sympathy for +the poor mariner! All right enough, but not in the way the poetry puts +it. Pity for the mariner's wife! all right again, but not in the way the +poetry puts it. Look-a here! whose life's the safest in the whole world? +The poor mariner's. You look at the statistics, you'll see. So don't you +fool away any sympathy on the poor mariner's dangers and privations and +sufferings. Leave that to the poetry muffs. Now you look at the other +side a minute. Here is Captain Brace, forty years old, been at sea +thirty. On his way now to take command of his ship and sail south from +Bermuda. Next week he'll be under way; easy times; comfortable quarters; +passengers, sociable company; just enough to do to keep his mind healthy +and not tire him; king over his ship, boss of everything and everybody; +thirty years' safety to learn him that his profession ain't a dangerous +one. Now you look back at his home. His wife's a feeble woman; she's a +stranger in New York; shut up in blazing hot or freezing cold lodgings, +according to the season; don't know anybody hardly; no company but her +lonesomeness and her thoughts; husband gone six months at a time. +She has borne eight children; five of them she has buried without her +husband ever setting eyes on them. She watched them all the long nights +till they died--he comfortable on the sea; she followed them to the +grave, she heard the clods fall that broke her heart he comfortable on +the sea; she mourned at home, weeks and weeks, missing them every day +and every hour--he cheerful at sea, knowing nothing about it. Now look +at it a minute--turn it over in your mind and size it: five children +born, she among strangers, and him not by to hearten her; buried, +and him not by to comfort her; think of that! Sympathy for the poor +mariner's perils is rot; give it to his wife's hard lines, where it +belongs! Poetry makes out that all the wife worries about is the dangers +her husband's running. She's got substantialer things to worry over, +I tell you. Poetry's always pitying the poor mariner on account of his +perils at sea; better a blamed sight pity him for the nights he can't +sleep for thinking of how he had to leave his wife in her very birth +pains, lonesome and friendless, in the thick of disease and trouble and +death. If there's one thing that can make me madder than another, it's +this sappy, damned maritime poetry!” + +Captain Brace was a patient, gentle, seldom speaking man, with a +pathetic something in his bronzed face that had been a mystery up to +this time, but stood interpreted now since we had heard his story. He +had voyaged eighteen times to the Mediterranean, seven times to India, +once to the arctic pole in a discovery-ship, and “between times” had +visited all the remote seas and ocean corners of the globe. But he said +that twelve years ago, on account of his family, he “settled down,” and +ever since then had ceased to roam. And what do you suppose was this +simple-hearted, lifelong wanderer's idea of settling down and ceasing to +roam? Why, the making of two five-month voyages a year between Surinam +and Boston for sugar and molasses! + +Among other talk to-day, it came out that whale-ships carry no doctor. +The captain adds the doctorship to his own duties. He not only gives +medicines, but sets broken limbs after notions of his own, or saws +them off and sears the stump when amputation seems best. The captain is +provided with a medicine-chest, with the medicines numbered instead of +named. A book of directions goes with this. It describes diseases and +symptoms, and says, “Give a teaspoonful of No. 9 once an hour,” or “Give +ten grains of No. 12 every half-hour,” etc. One of our sea-captains +came across a skipper in the North Pacific who was in a state of great +surprise and perplexity. Said he: + +“There's something rotten about this medicine-chest business. One of +my men was sick--nothing much the matter. I looked in the book: it said +give him a teaspoonful of No. 15. I went to the medicine-chest, and +I see I was out of No. 15. I judged I'd got to get up a combination +somehow that would fill the bill; so I hove into the fellow half a +teaspoonful of No. 8 and half a teaspoonful of No. 7, and I'll be hanged +if it didn't kill him in fifteen minutes! There's something about this +medicine-chest system that's too many for me!” + +There was a good deal of pleasant gossip about old Captain “Hurricane” + Jones, of the Pacific Ocean--peace to his ashes! Two or three of +us present had known him; I particularly well, for I had made four +sea-voyages with him. He was a very remarkable man. He was born in a +ship; he picked up what little education he had among his shipmates; +he began life in the forecastle, and climbed grade by grade to the +captaincy. More than fifty years of his sixty-five were spent at sea. +He had sailed all oceans, seen all lands, and borrowed a tint from all +climates. When a man has been fifty years at sea he necessarily knows +nothing of men, nothing of the world but its surface, nothing of the +world's thought, nothing of the world's learning but it's A B C, and +that blurred and distorted by the unfocused lenses of an untrained mind. +Such a man is only a gray and bearded child. That is what old Hurricane +Jones was--simply an innocent, lovable old infant. When his spirit was +in repose he was as sweet and gentle as a girl; when his wrath was up he +was a hurricane that made his nickname seem tamely descriptive. He +was formidable in a fight, for he was of powerful build and dauntless +courage. He was frescoed from head to heel with pictures and mottoes +tattooed in red and blue India ink. I was with him one voyage when he +got his last vacant space tattooed; this vacant space was around his +left ankle. During three days he stumped about the ship with his ankle +bare and swollen, and this legend gleaming red and angry out from a +clouding of India ink: “Virtue is its own R'd.” (There was a lack of +room.) He was deeply and sincerely pious, and swore like a fishwoman. He +considered swearing blameless, because sailors would not understand an +order unillumined by it. He was a profound biblical scholar--that is, he +thought he was. He believed everything in the Bible, but he had his own +methods of arriving at his beliefs. He was of the “advanced” school +of thinkers, and applied natural laws to the interpretation of all +miracles, somewhat on the plan of the people who make the six days of +creation six geological epochs, and so forth. Without being aware of it, +he was a rather severe satire on modern scientific religionists. Such +a man as I have been describing is rabidly fond of disquisition and +argument; one knows that without being told it. + +One trip the captain had a clergyman on board, but did not know he was +a clergyman, since the passenger-list did not betray the fact. He took +a great liking to this Reverend Mr. Peters, and talked with him a great +deal; told him yarns, gave him toothsome scraps of personal history, and +wove a glittering streak of profanity through his garrulous fabric that +was refreshing to a spirit weary of the dull neutralities of undecorated +speech. One day the captain said, “Peters, do you ever read the Bible?” + +“Well--yes.” + +“I judge it ain't often, by the way you say it. Now, you tackle it in +dead earnest once, and you'll find it'll pay. Don't you get discouraged, +but hang right on. First, you won't understand it; but by and by things +will begin to clear up, and then you wouldn't lay it down to eat.” + +“Yes, I have heard that said.” + +“And it's so, too. There ain't a book that begins with it. It lays over +'m all, Peters. There's some pretty tough things in it--there ain't any +getting around that--but you stick to them and think them out, and when +once you get on the inside everything's plain as day.” + +“The miracles, too, captain?” + +“Yes, sir! the miracles, too. Every one of them. Now, there's that +business with the prophets of Baal; like enough that stumped you?” + +“Well, I don't know but--” + +“Own up now; it stumped you. Well, I don't wonder. You hadn't had any +experience in raveling such things out, and naturally it was too many +for you. Would you like to have me explain that thing to you, and show +you how to get at the meat of these matters?” + +“Indeed, I would, captain, if you don't mind.” + +Then the captain proceeded as follows: “I'll do it with pleasure. +First, you see, I read and read, and thought and thought, till I got +to understand what sort of people they were in the old Bible times, and +then after that it was all clear and easy. Now this was the way I put +it up, concerning Isaac--[This is the captain's own mistake]--and the +prophets of Baal. There was some mighty sharp men among the public +characters of that old ancient day, and Isaac was one of them. Isaac +had his failings--plenty of them, too; it ain't for me to apologize +for Isaac; he played it on the prophets of Baal, and like enough he was +justifiable, considering the odds that was against him. No, all I say +is, 'twa'n't any miracle, and that I'll show you so's't you can see it +yourself. + +“Well, times had been getting rougher and rougher for prophets--that +is, prophets of Isaac's denomination. There was four hundred and fifty +prophets of Baal in the community, and only one Presbyterian; that is, +if Isaac was a Presbyterian, which I reckon he was, but it don't say. +Naturally, the prophets of Baal took all the trade. Isaac was pretty +low-spirited, I reckon, but he was a good deal of a man, and no doubt +he went a-prophesying around, letting on to be doing a land-office +business, but 'twa'n't any use; he couldn't run any opposition to amount +to anything. By and by things got desperate with him; he sets his head +to work and thinks it all out, and then what does he do? Why, he +begins to throw out hints that the other parties are this and that and +t'other--nothing very definite, maybe, but just kind of undermining +their reputation in a quiet way. This made talk, of course, and finally +got to the king. The king asked Isaac what he meant by his talk. Says +Isaac, 'Oh, nothing particular; only, can they pray-down fire from +heaven on an altar? It ain't much, maybe, your majesty, only can they do +it? That's the idea.' So the king was a good deal disturbed, and he went +to the prophets of Baal, and they said, pretty airy, that if he had +an altar ready, they were ready; and they intimated he better get it +insured, too. + +“So next morning all the children of Israel and their parents and the +other people gathered themselves together. Well, here was that great +crowd of prophets of Baal packed together on one side, and Isaac walking +up and down all alone on the other, putting up his job. When time was +called, Isaac let on to be comfortable and indifferent; told the other +team to take the first innings. So they went at it, the whole four +hundred and fifty, praying around the altar, very hopeful, and doing +their level best. They prayed an hour--two hours--three hours--and so +on, plumb till noon. It wa'n't any use; they hadn't took a trick. Of +course they felt kind of ashamed before all those people, and well they +might. Now, what would a magnanimous man do? Keep still, wouldn't he? Of +course. What did Isaac do? He graveled the prophets of Baal every way +he could think of. Says he, 'You don't speak up loud enough; your god's +asleep, like enough, or maybe he's taking a walk; you want to holler, +you know'--or words to that effect; I don't recollect the exact +language. Mind, I don't apologize for Isaac; he had his faults. + +“Well, the prophets of Baal prayed along the best they knew how all the +afternoon, and never raised, a spark. At last, about sundown, they were +all tuckered out, and they owned up and quit. + +“What does Isaac do now? He steps up and says to some friends of +his there, 'Pour four barrels of water on the altar!' Everybody was +astonished; for the other side had prayed at it dry, you know, and got +whitewashed. They poured it on. Says he, 'Heave on four more barrels.' +Then he says, 'Heave on four more.' Twelve barrels, you see, altogether. +The water ran all over the altar, and all down the sides, and filled up +a trench around it that would hold a couple of hogsheads-'measures,' it +says; I reckon it means about a hogshead. Some of the people were going +to put on their things and go, for they allowed he was crazy. They +didn't know Isaac. Isaac knelt down and began to pray; he strung along, +and strung along, about the heathen in distant lands, and about the +sister churches, and about the state and the country at large, and about +those that's in authority in the government, and all the usual program, +you know, till everybody had got tired and gone to thinking about +something else, and then, all of a sudden, when nobody was noticing, he +outs with a match and rakes it on the under side of his leg, and pff! +up the whole thing blazes like a house afire! Twelve barrels of water? +Petroleum, sir, PETROLEUM! that's what it was!” + +“Petroleum, captain?” + +“Yes, sir, the country was full of it. Isaac knew all about that. You +read the Bible. Don't you worry about the tough places. They ain't tough +when you come to think them out and throw light on them. There ain't a +thing in the Bible but what is true; all you want is to go prayerfully +to work and cipher out how 'twas done.” + +At eight o'clock on the third morning out from New York, land was +sighted. Away across the sunny waves one saw a faint dark stripe +stretched along under the horizon--or pretended to see it, for the +credit of his eyesight. Even the Reverend said he saw it, a thing which +was manifestly not so. But I never have seen any one who was morally +strong enough to confess that he could not see land when others claimed +that they could. + +By and by the Bermuda Islands were easily visible. The principal one +lay upon the water in the distance, a long, dull-colored body; scalloped +with slight hills and valleys. We could not go straight at it, but had +to travel all the way around it, sixteen miles from shore, because it is +fenced with an invisible coral reef. At last we sighted buoys, bobbing +here and there, and then we glided into a narrow channel among them, +“raised the reef,” and came upon shoaling blue water that soon further +shoaled into pale green, with a surface scarcely rippled. Now came the +resurrection hour; the berths gave up their dead. Who are these pale +specters in plug-hats and silken flounces that file up the companionway +in melancholy procession and step upon the deck? These are they which +took the infallible preventive of seasickness in New York harbor and +then disappeared and were forgotten. Also there came two or three faces +not seen before until this moment. One's impulse is to ask, “Where did +you come aboard?” + +We followed the narrow channel a long time, with land on both sides--low +hills that might have been green and grassy, but had a faded look +instead. However, the land-locked water was lovely, at any rate, with +its glittering belts of blue and green where moderate soundings were, +and its broad splotches of rich brown where the rocks lay near the +surface. Everybody was feeling so well that even the grave, pale young +man (who, by a sort of kindly common consent, had come latterly to be +referred to as “The Ass”) received frequent and friendly notice--which +was right enough, for there was no harm in him. + +At last we steamed between two island points whose rocky jaws allowed +only just enough room for the vessel's body, and now before us loomed +Hamilton on her clustered hillsides and summits, the whitest mass of +terraced architecture that exists in the world, perhaps. + +It was Sunday afternoon, and on the pier were gathered one or two +hundred Bermudians, half of them black, half of them white, and all of +them nobbily dressed, as the poet says. + +Several boats came off to the ship, bringing citizens. One of these +citizens was a faded, diminutive old gentleman, who approached our most +ancient passenger with a childlike joy in his twinkling eyes, halted +before him, folded his arms, and said, smiling with all his might and +with all the simple delight that was in him, “You don't know me, John! +Come, out with it now; you know you don't!” + +The ancient passenger scanned him perplexedly, scanned the napless, +threadbare costume of venerable fashion that had done Sunday service no +man knows how many years, contemplated the marvelous stovepipe hat of +still more ancient and venerable pattern, with its poor, pathetic old +stiff brim canted up “gallusly” in the wrong places, and said, with a +hesitation that indicated strong internal effort to “place” the gentle +old apparition, “Why... let me see... plague on it... there's something +about you that... er... er... but I've been gone from Bermuda for +twenty-seven years, and... hum, hum ... I don't seem to get at it, +somehow, but there's something about you that is just as familiar to me +as--” + +“Likely it might be his hat,” murmured the Ass, with innocent, +sympathetic interest. + +So the Reverend and I had at last arrived at Hamilton, the principal +town in the Bermuda Islands. A wonderfully white town; white as snow +itself. White as marble; white as flour. Yet looking like none of these, +exactly. Never mind, we said; we shall hit upon a figure by and by that +will describe this peculiar white. + +It was a town that was compacted together upon the sides and tops of +a cluster of small hills. Its outlying borders fringed off and thinned +away among the cedar forests, and there was no woody distance of curving +coast or leafy islet sleeping upon the dimpled, painted sea, but was +flecked with shining white points--half-concealed houses peeping out of +the foliage. The architecture of the town was mainly Spanish, +inherited from the colonists of two hundred and fifty years ago. Some +ragged-topped cocoa-palms, glimpsed here and there, gave the land a +tropical aspect. + +There was an ample pier of heavy masonry; upon this, under shelter, were +some thousands of barrels containing that product which has carried the +fame of Bermuda to many lands, the potato. With here and there an onion. +That last sentence is facetious; for they grow at least two onions in +Bermuda to one potato. The onion is the pride and joy of Bermuda. It +is her jewel, her gem of gems. In her conversation, her pulpit, her +literature, it is her most frequent and eloquent figure. In Bermuda +metaphor it stands for perfection--perfection absolute. + +The Bermudian weeping over the departed exhausts praise when he says, +“He was an onion!” The Bermudian extolling the living hero bankrupts +applause when he says, “He is an onion!” The Bermudian setting his son +upon the stage of life to dare and do for himself climaxes all counsel, +supplication, admonition, comprehends all ambition, when he says, “Be an +onion!” + +When parallel with the pier, and ten or fifteen steps outside it, +we anchored. It was Sunday, bright and sunny. The groups upon the +pier--men, youths, and boys--were whites and blacks in about equal +proportion. All were well and neatly dressed; many of them nattily, a +few of them very stylishly. One would have to travel far before he would +find another town of twelve thousand inhabitants that could represent +itself so respectably, in the matter of clothes, on a freight-pier, +without premeditation or effort. The women and young girls, black and +white, who occasionally passed by, were nicely clad, and many were +elegantly and fashionably so. The men did not affect summer clothing +much, but the girls and women did, and their white garments were good to +look at, after so many months of familiarity with somber colors. + +Around one isolated potato-barrel stood four young gentlemen, two black, +two white, becomingly dressed, each with the head of a slender cane +pressed against his teeth, and each with a foot propped up on the +barrel. Another young gentleman came up, looked longingly at the barrel, +but saw no rest for his foot there, and turned pensively away to seek +another barrel. He wandered here and there, but without result. Nobody +sat upon a barrel, as is the custom of the idle in other lands, yet +all the isolated barrels were humanly occupied. Whosoever had a foot +to spare put it on a barrel, if all the places on it were not already +taken. The habits of all peoples are determined by their circumstances. +The Bermudians lean upon barrels because of the scarcity of lamp-posts. + +Many citizens came on board and spoke eagerly to the officers--inquiring +about the Turco-Russian war news, I supposed. However, by listening +judiciously I found that this was not so. They said, “What is the price +of onions?” or, “How's onions?” Naturally enough this was their first +interest; but they dropped into the war the moment it was satisfied. + +We went ashore and found a novelty of a pleasant nature: there were +no hackmen, hacks, or omnibuses on the pier or about it anywhere, and +nobody offered his services to us, or molested us in any way. I said it +was like being in heaven. The Reverend rebukingly and rather pointedly +advised me to make the most of it, then. We knew of a boarding-house, +and what we needed now was somebody to pilot us to it. Presently +a little barefooted colored boy came along, whose raggedness was +conspicuously not un-Bermudian. His rear was so marvelously bepatched +with colored squares and triangles that one was half persuaded he had +got it out of an atlas. When the sun struck him right, he was as good +to follow as a lightning-bug. We hired him and dropped into his wake. +He piloted us through one picturesque street after another, and in due +course deposited us where we belonged. He charged nothing for his map, +and but a trifle for his services: so the Reverend doubled it. The +little chap received the money with a beaming applause in his eye which +plainly said, “This man's an onion!” + +We had brought no letters of introduction; our names had been misspelled +in the passenger-list; nobody knew whether we were honest folk or +otherwise. So we were expecting to have a good private time in case +there was nothing in our general aspect to close boarding-house doors +against us. We had no trouble. Bermuda has had but little experience of +rascals, and is not suspicious. We got large, cool, well-lighted rooms +on a second floor, overlooking a bloomy display of flowers and flowering +shrubscalia and annunciation lilies, lantanas, heliotrope, jasmine, +roses, pinks, double geraniums, oleanders, pomegranates, blue +morning-glories of a great size, and many plants that were unknown to +me. + + + + + +III. + +So the Reverend and I had at last arrived at Hamilton, the principal +town in the Bermuda Islands. + +We took a long afternoon walk, and soon found out that that exceedingly +white town was built of blocks of white coral. Bermuda is a coral +island, with a six-inch crust of soil on top of it, and every man has +a quarry on his own premises. Everywhere you go you see square recesses +cut into the hillsides, with perpendicular walls unmarred by crack +or crevice, and perhaps you fancy that a house grew out of the ground +there, and has been removed in a single piece from the mold. If you do, +you err. But the material for a house has been quarried there. They cut +right down through the coral, to any depth that is convenient--ten to +twenty feet--and take it out in great square blocks. This cutting is +done with a chisel that has a handle twelve or fifteen feet long, and is +used as one uses a crowbar when he is drilling a hole, or a dasher when +he is churning. Thus soft is this stone. Then with a common handsaw they +saw the great blocks into handsome, huge bricks that are two feet long, +a foot wide, and about six inches thick. These stand loosely piled +during a month to harden; then the work of building begins. + +The house is built of these blocks; it is roofed with broad coral slabs +an inch thick, whose edges lap upon each other, so that the roof looks +like a succession of shallow steps or terraces; the chimneys are built +of the coral blocks, and sawed into graceful and picturesque patterns; +the ground-floor veranda is paved with coral blocks; also the walk to +the gate; the fence is built of coral blocks--built in massive panels, +with broad capstones and heavy gate-posts, and the whole trimmed into +easy lines and comely shape with the saw. Then they put a hard coat of +whitewash, as thick as your thumb-nail, on the fence and all over the +house, roof, chimneys, and all; the sun comes out and shines on this +spectacle, and it is time for you to shut your unaccustomed eyes, lest +they be put out. It is the whitest white you can conceive of, and the +blindingest. A Bermuda house does not look like marble; it is a much +intenser white than that; and, besides, there is a dainty, indefinable +something else about its look that is not marble-like. We put in a great +deal of solid talk and reflection over this matter of trying to find a +figure that would describe the unique white of a Bermuda house, and we +contrived to hit upon it at last. It is exactly the white of the icing +of a cake, and has the same unemphasized and scarcely perceptible +polish. The white of marble is modest and retiring compared with it. + +After the house is cased in its hard scale of whitewash, not a crack, or +sign of a seam, or joining of the blocks is detectable, from base-stone +to chimney-top; the building looks as if it had been carved from a +single block of stone, and the doors and windows sawed out afterward. A +white marble house has a cold, tomb-like, unsociable look, and takes +the conversation out of a body and depresses him. Not so with a Bermuda +house. There is something exhilarating, even hilarious, about its vivid +whiteness when the sun plays upon it. If it be of picturesque shape and +graceful contour--and many of the Bermudian dwellings are--it will so +fascinate you that you will keep your eyes on it until they ache. One +of those clean-cut, fanciful chimneys--too pure and white for this +world--with one side glowing in the sun and the other touched with a +soft shadow, is an object that will charm one's gaze by the hour. I know +of no other country that has chimneys worthy to be gazed at and gloated +over. One of those snowy houses, half concealed and half glimpsed +through green foliage, is a pretty thing to see; and if it takes one by +surprise and suddenly, as he turns a sharp corner of a country road, it +will wring an exclamation from him, sure. + +Wherever you go, in town or country, you find those snowy houses, and +always with masses of bright-colored flowers about them, but with no +vines climbing their walls; vines cannot take hold of the smooth, hard +whitewash. Wherever you go, in the town or along the country roads, +among little potato farms and patches or expensive country-seats, these +stainless white dwellings, gleaming out from flowers and foliage, meet +you at every turn. The least little bit of a cottage is as white and +blemishless as the stateliest mansion. Nowhere is there dirt or stench, +puddle or hog-wallow, neglect, disorder, or lack of trimness and +neatness. The roads, the streets, the dwellings, the people, the +clothes--this neatness extends to everything that falls under the eye. +It is the tidiest country in the world. And very much the tidiest, too. + +Considering these things, the question came up, Where do the poor live? +No answer was arrived at. Therefore, we agreed to leave this conundrum +for future statesmen to wrangle over. + +What a bright and startling spectacle one of those blazing white +country palaces, with its brown-tinted window-caps and ledges, and green +shutters, and its wealth of caressing flowers and foliage, would be in +black London! And what a gleaming surprise it would be in nearly any +American city one could mention, too! + +Bermuda roads are made by cutting down a few inches into the solid white +coral--or a good many feet, where a hill intrudes itself--and smoothing +off the surface of the road-bed. It is a simple and easy process. The +grain of the coral is coarse and porous; the road-bed has the look of +being made of coarse white sugar. Its excessive cleanness and whiteness +are a trouble in one way: the sun is reflected into your eyes with +such energy as you walk along that you want to sneeze all the time. Old +Captain Tom Bowling found another difficulty. He joined us in our walk, +but kept wandering unrestfully to the roadside. Finally he explained. +Said he, “Well, I chew, you know, and the road's so plagued clean.” + +We walked several miles that afternoon in the bewildering glare of the +sun, the white roads, and the white buildings. Our eyes got to paining +us a good deal. By and by a soothing, blessed twilight spread its cool +balm around. We looked up in pleased surprise and saw that it proceeded +from an intensely black negro who was going by. We answered his military +salute in the grateful gloom of his near presence, and then passed on +into the pitiless white glare again. + +The colored women whom we met usually bowed and spoke; so did the +children. The colored men commonly gave the military salute. They borrow +this fashion from the soldiers, no doubt; England has kept a garrison +here for generations. The younger men's custom of carrying small canes +is also borrowed from the soldiers, I suppose, who always carry a cane, +in Bermuda as everywhere else in Britain's broad dominions. + +The country roads curve and wind hither and thither in the delightfulest +way, unfolding pretty surprises at every turn: billowy masses of +oleander that seem to float out from behind distant projections like the +pink cloud-banks of sunset; sudden plunges among cottages and gardens, +life and activity, followed by as sudden plunges into the somber +twilight and stillness of the woods; flitting visions of white +fortresses and beacon towers pictured against the sky on remote +hilltops; glimpses of shining green sea caught for a moment through +opening headlands, then lost again; more woods and solitude; and by and +by another turn lays bare, without warning, the full sweep of the +inland ocean, enriched with its bars of soft color and graced with its +wandering sails. + +Take any road you please, you may depend upon it you will not stay in +it half a mile. Your road is everything that a road ought to be: it is +bordered with trees, and with strange plants and flowers; it is shady +and pleasant, or sunny and still pleasant; it carries you by the +prettiest and peacefulest and most homelike of homes, and through +stretches of forest that lie in a deep hush sometimes, and sometimes are +alive with the music of birds; it curves always, which is a continual +promise, whereas straight roads reveal everything at a glance and kill +interest. Your road is all this, and yet you will not stay in it half a +mile, for the reason that little seductive, mysterious roads are always +branching out from it on either hand, and as these curve sharply also +and hide what is beyond, you cannot resist the temptation to desert your +own chosen road and explore them. You are usually paid for your trouble; +consequently, your walk inland always turns out to be one of the most +crooked, involved, purposeless, and interesting experiences a body can +imagine. There is enough of variety. Sometimes you are in the level +open, with marshes thick grown with flag-lances that are ten feet high +on the one hand, and potato and onion orchards on the other; next, you +are on a hilltop, with the ocean and the islands spread around you; +presently the road winds through a deep cut, shut in by perpendicular +walls thirty or forty feet high, marked with the oddest and abruptest +stratum lines, suggestive of sudden and eccentric old upheavals, and +garnished with here and there a clinging adventurous flower, and here +and there a dangling vine; and by and by your way is along the sea edge, +and you may look down a fathom or two through the transparent water and +watch the diamond-like flash and play of the light upon the rocks and +sands on the bottom until you are tired of it--if you are so constituted +as to be able to get tired of it. + +You may march the country roads in maiden meditation, fancy free, by +field and farm, for no dog will plunge out at you from unsuspected gate, +with breath-taking surprise of ferocious bark, notwithstanding it is +a Christian land and a civilized. We saw upward of a million cats in +Bermuda, but the people are very abstemious in the matter of dogs. Two +or three nights we prowled the country far and wide, and never once were +accosted by a dog. It is a great privilege to visit such a land. The +cats were no offense when properly distributed, but when piled they +obstructed travel. + +As we entered the edge of the town that Sunday afternoon, we stopped +at a cottage to get a drink of water. The proprietor, a middle-aged +man with a good face, asked us to sit down and rest. His dame brought +chairs, and we grouped ourselves in the shade of the trees by the door. +Mr. Smith--that was not his name, but it will answer--questioned us +about ourselves and our country, and we answered him truthfully, as a +general thing, and questioned him in return. It was all very simple +and pleasant and sociable. Rural, too; for there was a pig and a small +donkey and a hen anchored out, close at hand, by cords to their legs, on +a spot that purported to be grassy. Presently, a woman passed along, and +although she coldly said nothing she changed the drift of our talk. Said +Smith: + +“She didn't look this way, you noticed? Well, she is our next neighbor +on one side, and there's another family that's our next neighbors on the +other side; but there's a general coolness all around now, and we don't +speak. Yet these three families, one generation and another, have lived +here side by side and been as friendly as weavers for a hundred and +fifty years, till about a year ago.” + +“Why, what calamity could have been powerful enough to break up so old a +friendship?” + +“Well, it was too bad, but it couldn't be helped. It happened like this: +About a year or more ago, the rats got to pestering my place a good +deal, and I set up a steel trap in my back yard. Both of these neighbors +run considerable to cats, and so I warned them about the trap, because +their cats were pretty sociable around here nights, and they might get +into trouble without my intending it. Well, they shut up their cats for +a while, but you know how it is with people; they got careless, and sure +enough one night the trap took Mrs. Jones's principal tomcat into camp +and finished him up. In the morning Mrs. Jones comes here with the +corpse in her arms, and cries and takes on the same as if it was a +child. It was a cat by the name of Yelverton--Hector G. Yelverton--a +troublesome old rip, with no more principle than an Injun, though you +couldn't make her believe it. I said all a man could to comfort her, but +no, nothing would do but I must pay for him. Finally, I said I warn't +investing in cats now as much as I was, and with that she walked off in +a huff, carrying the remains with her. That closed our intercourse with +the Joneses. Mrs. Jones joined another church and took her tribe with +her. She said she would not hold fellowship with assassins. Well, by and +by comes Mrs. Brown's turn--she that went by here a minute ago. She had +a disgraceful old yellow cat that she thought as much of as if he was +twins, and one night he tried that trap on his neck, and it fitted him +so, and was so sort of satisfactory, that he laid down and curled up and +stayed with it. Such was the end of Sir John Baldwin.” + +“Was that the name of the cat?” + +“The same. There's cats around here with names that would surprise +you. Maria” (to his wife), “what was that cat's name that eat a keg of +ratsbane by mistake over at Hooper's, and started home and got struck by +lightning and took the blind staggers and fell in the well and was 'most +drowned before they could fish him out?” + +“That was that colored Deacon Jackson's cat. I only remember the last +end of its name, which was Hold-The-Fort-For-I-Am-Coming Jackson.” + +“Sho! that ain't the one. That's the one that eat up an entire box of +Seidlitz powders, and then hadn't any more judgment than to go and take +a drink. He was considered to be a great loss, but I never could see it. +Well, no matter about the names. Mrs. Brown wanted to be reasonable, but +Mrs. Jones wouldn't let her. She put her up to going to law for damages. +So to law she went, and had the face to claim seven shillings and +sixpence. It made a great stir. All the neighbors went to court. +Everybody took sides. It got hotter and hotter, and broke up all the +friendships for three hundred yards around--friendships that had lasted +for generations and generations. + +“Well, I proved by eleven witnesses that the cat was of a low character +and very ornery, and warn't worth a canceled postage-stamp, anyway, +taking the average of cats here; but I lost the case. What could I +expect? The system is all wrong here, and is bound to make revolution +and bloodshed some day. You see, they give the magistrate a poor little +starvation salary, and then turn him loose on the public to gouge for +fees and costs to live on. What is the natural result? Why, he never +looks into the justice of a case--never once. All he looks at is which +client has got the money. So this one piled the fees and costs and +everything on to me. I could pay specie, don't you see? and he knew +mighty well that if he put the verdict on to Mrs. Brown, where it +belonged, he'd have to take his swag in currency.” + +“Currency? Why, has Bermuda a currency?” + +“Yes--onions. And they were forty per cent. discount, too, then, because +the season had been over as much as three months. So I lost my case. I +had to pay for that cat. But the general trouble the case made was the +worst thing about it. Broke up so much good feeling. The neighbors don't +speak to each other now. Mrs. Brown had named a child after me. But she +changed its name right away. She is a Baptist. Well, in the course of +baptizing it over again it got drowned. I was hoping we might get to be +friendly again some time or other, but of course this drowning the child +knocked that all out of the question. It would have saved a world of +heartbreak and ill blood if she had named it dry.” + +I knew by the sigh that this was honest. All this trouble and all this +destruction of confidence in the purity of the bench on account of a +seven-shilling lawsuit about a cat! Somehow, it seemed to “size” the +country. + +At this point we observed that an English flag had just been placed at +half-mast on a building a hundred yards away. I and my friends were +busy in an instant trying to imagine whose death, among the island +dignitaries, could command such a mark of respect as this. Then a +shudder shook them and me at the same moment, and I knew that we +had jumped to one and the same conclusion: “The governor has gone to +England; it is for the British admiral!” + +At this moment Mr. Smith noticed the flag. He said with emotion: + +“That's on a boarding-house. I judge there's a boarder dead.” + +A dozen other flags within view went to half-mast. + +“It's a boarder, sure,” said Smith. + +“But would they half-mast the flags here for a boarder, Mr. Smith?” + +“Why, certainly they would, if he was dead.” + +That seemed to size the country again. + + + + + +IV. + +The early twilight of a Sunday evening in Hamilton, Bermuda, is an +alluring time. There is just enough of whispering breeze, fragrance of +flowers, and sense of repose to raise one's thoughts heavenward; and +just enough amateur piano music to keep him reminded of the other +place. There are many venerable pianos in Hamilton, and they all play +at twilight. Age enlarges and enriches the powers of some musical +instruments--notably those of the violin--but it seems to set a piano's +teeth on edge. Most of the music in vogue there is the same that those +pianos prattled in their innocent infancy; and there is something very +pathetic about it when they go over it now, in their asthmatic second +childhood, dropping a note here and there where a tooth is gone. + +We attended evening service at the stately Episcopal church on the hill, +where five or six hundred people, half of them white and the other +half black, according to the usual Bermudian proportions; and all well +dressed--a thing which is also usual in Bermuda and to be confidently +expected. There was good music, which we heard, and doubtless--a good +sermon, but there was a wonderful deal of coughing, and so only the high +parts of the argument carried over it. As we came out, after service, I +overheard one young girl say to another: + +“Why, you don't mean to say you pay duty on gloves and laces! I only pay +postage; have them done up and sent in the Boston Advertiser.” + +There are those that believe that the most difficult thing to create +is a woman who can comprehend that it is wrong to smuggle; and that an +impossible thing to create is a woman who will not smuggle, whether or +no, when she gets a chance. But these may be errors. + +We went wandering off toward the country, and were soon far down in +the lonely black depths of a road that was roofed over with the dense +foliage of a double rank of great cedars. There was no sound of any kind +there; it was perfectly still. And it was so dark that one could detect +nothing but somber outlines. We strode farther and farther down this +tunnel, cheering the way with chat. + +Presently the chat took this shape: “How insensibly the character of the +people and of a government makes its impress upon a stranger, and gives +him a sense of security or of insecurity without his taking deliberate +thought upon the matter or asking anybody a question! We have been in +this land half a day; we have seen none but honest faces; we have noted +the British flag flying, which means efficient government and good +order; so without inquiry we plunge unarmed and with perfect confidence +into this dismal place, which in almost any other country would swarm +with thugs and garroters--” + +'Sh! What was that? Stealthy footsteps! Low voices! We gasp, we close up +together, and wait. A vague shape glides out of the dusk and confronts +us. A voice speaks--demands money! + +“A shilling, gentlemen, if you please, to help build the new Methodist +church.” + +Blessed sound! Holy sound! We contribute with thankful avidity to the +new Methodist church, and are happy to think how lucky it was that those +little colored Sunday-school scholars did not seize upon everything +we had with violence, before we recovered from our momentary helpless +condition. By the light of cigars we write down the names of weightier +philanthropists than ourselves on the contribution cards, and then pass +on into the farther darkness, saying, What sort of a government do +they call this, where they allow little black pious children, with +contribution cards, to plunge out upon peaceable strangers in the dark +and scare them to death? + +We prowled on several hours, sometimes by the seaside, sometimes inland, +and finally managed to get lost, which is a feat that requires talent in +Bermuda. I had on new shoes. They were No. 7's when I started, but were +not more than 5's now, and still diminishing. I walked two hours in +those shoes after that, before we reached home. Doubtless I could have +the reader's sympathy for the asking. Many people have never had the +headache or the toothache, and I am one of those myself; but everybody +has worn tight shoes for two or three hours, and known the luxury of +taking them off in a retired place and seeing his feet swell up and +obscure the firmament. Once when I was a callow, bashful cub, I took a +plain, unsentimental country girl to a comedy one night. I had known her +a day; she seemed divine; I wore my new boots. At the end of the first +half-hour she said, “Why do you fidget so with your feet?” I said, “Did +I?” Then I put my attention there and kept still. At the end of another +half-hour she said, “Why do you say, 'Yes, oh yes!' and 'Ha, ha, oh, +certainly! very true!' to everything I say, when half the time those are +entirely irrelevant answers?” I blushed, and explained that I had been a +little absent-minded. At the end of another half-hour she said, “Please, +why do you grin so steadfastly at vacancy, and yet look so sad?” I +explained that I always did that when I was reflecting. An hour passed, +and then she turned and contemplated me with her earnest eyes and said, +“Why do you cry all the time?” I explained that very funny comedies +always made me cry. At last human nature surrendered, and I secretly +slipped my boots off. This was a mistake. I was not able to get them on +any more. It was a rainy night; there were no omnibuses going our way; +and as I walked home, burning up with shame, with the girl on one +arm and my boots under the other, I was an object worthy of some +compassion--especially in those moments of martyrdom when I had to +pass through the glare that fell upon the pavement from street-lamps. +Finally, this child of the forest said, “Where are your boots?” and +being taken unprepared, I put a fitting finish to the follies of the +evening with the stupid remark, “The higher classes do not wear them to +the theater.” + +The Reverend had been an army chaplain during the war, and while we were +hunting for a road that would lead to Hamilton he told a story about two +dying soldiers which interested me in spite of my feet. He said that in +the Potomac hospitals rough pine coffins were furnished by government, +but that it was not always possible to keep up with the demand; so, when +a man died, if there was no coffin at hand he was buried without one. +One night, late, two soldiers lay dying in a ward. A man came in with +a coffin on his shoulder, and stood trying to make up his mind which of +these two poor fellows would be likely to need it first. Both of them +begged for it with their fading eyes--they were past talking. Then one +of them protruded a wasted hand from his blankets and made a feeble +beckoning sign with the fingers, to signify, “Be a good fellow; put +it under my bed, please.” The man did it, and left. The lucky soldier +painfully turned himself in his bed until he faced the other warrior, +raised himself partly on his elbow, and began to work up a mysterious +expression of some kind in his face. Gradually, irksomely, but surely +and steadily, it developed, and at last it took definite form as a +pretty successful wink. The sufferer fell back exhausted with his +labor, but bathed in glory. Now entered a personal friend of No. 2, +the despoiled soldier. No. 2 pleaded with him with eloquent eyes, till +presently he understood, and removed the coffin from under No. 1's bed +and put it under No. 2's. No. 2 indicated his joy, and made some more +signs; the friend understood again, and put his arm under No. 2's +shoulders and lifted him partly up. Then the dying hero turned the dim +exultation of his eye upon No. 1, and began a slow and labored work with +his hands; gradually he lifted one hand up toward his face; it grew weak +and dropped back again; once more he made the effort, but failed again. +He took a rest; he gathered all the remnant of his strength, and this +time he slowly but surely carried his thumb to the side of his nose, +spread the gaunt fingers wide in triumph, and dropped back dead. That +picture sticks by me yet. The “situation” is unique. + +The next morning, at what seemed a very early hour, the little white +table-waiter appeared suddenly in my room and shot a single word out of +himself “Breakfast!” + +This was a remarkable boy in many ways. He was about eleven years old; +he had alert, intent black eyes; he was quick of movement; there was +no hesitation, no uncertainty about him anywhere; there was a military +decision in his lip, his manner, his speech, that was an astonishing +thing to see in a little chap like him; he wasted no words; his answers +always came so quick and brief that they seemed to be part of the +question that had been asked instead of a reply to it. When he stood +at table with his fly-brush, rigid, erect, his face set in a cast-iron +gravity, he was a statue till he detected a dawning want in somebody's +eye; then he pounced down, supplied it, and was instantly a statue +again. When he was sent to the kitchen for anything, he marched upright +till he got to the door; he turned hand-springs the rest of the way. + +“Breakfast!” + +I thought I would make one more effort to get some conversation out of +this being. + +“Have you called the Reverend, or are--” + +“Yes s'r!” + +“Is it early, or is--” + +“Eight-five.” + +“Do you have to do all the 'chores,' or is there somebody to give you +a--” + +“Colored girl.” + +“Is there only one parish in this island, or are there--” + +“Eight!” + +“Is the big church on the hill a parish church, or is it--” + +“Chapel-of-ease!” + +“Is taxation here classified into poll, parish, town, and--” + +“Don't know!” + +Before I could cudgel another question out of my head, he was below, +hand-springing across the back yard. He had slid down the balusters, +headfirst. I gave up trying to provoke a discussion with him. The +essential element of discussion had been left out of him; his answers +were so final and exact that they did not leave a doubt to hang +conversation on. I suspect that there is the making of a mighty man or +a mighty rascal in this boy--according to circumstances--but they are +going to apprentice him to a carpenter. It is the way the world uses its +opportunities. + +During this day and the next we took carriage drives about the island +and over to the town of St. George's, fifteen or twenty miles away. Such +hard, excellent roads to drive over are not to be found elsewhere out +of Europe. An intelligent young colored man drove us, and acted as +guide-book. In the edge of the town we saw five or six mountain-cabbage +palms (atrocious name!) standing in a straight row, and equidistant from +each other. These were not the largest or the tallest trees I have ever +seen, but they were the stateliest, the most majestic. That row of +them must be the nearest that nature has ever come to counterfeiting +a colonnade. These trees are all the same height, say sixty feet; +the trunks as gray as granite, with a very gradual and perfect taper; +without sign of branch or knot or flaw; the surface not looking like +bark, but like granite that has been dressed and not polished. Thus all +the way up the diminishing shaft for fifty feet; then it begins to take +the appearance of being closely wrapped, spool-fashion, with gray +cord, or of having been turned in a lathe. Above this point there is an +outward swell, and thence upward for six feet or more the cylinder is a +bright, fresh green, and is formed of wrappings like those of an ear +of green Indian corn. Then comes the great, spraying palm plume, also +green. Other palm trees always lean out of the perpendicular, or have a +curve in them. But the plumb-line could not detect a deflection in any +individual of this stately row; they stand as straight as the colonnade +of Baalbec; they have its great height, they have its gracefulness, they +have its dignity; in moonlight or twilight, and shorn of their plumes, +they would duplicate it. + +The birds we came across in the country were singularly tame; even that +wild creature, the quail, would pick around in the grass at ease while +we inspected it and talked about it at leisure. A small bird of the +canary species had to be stirred up with the butt-end of the whip before +it would move, and then it moved only a couple of feet. It is said that +even the suspicious flea is tame and sociable in Bermuda, and will allow +himself to be caught and caressed without misgivings. This should be +taken with allowance, for doubtless there is more or less brag about it. +In San Francisco they used to claim that their native flea could kick a +child over, as if it were a merit in a flea to be able to do that; as if +the knowledge of it trumpeted abroad ought to entice immigration. Such a +thing in nine cases out of ten would be almost sure to deter a thinking +man from coming. + +We saw no bugs or reptiles to speak of, and so I was thinking of saying +in print, in a general way, that there were none at all; but one +night after I had gone to bed, the Reverend came into my room carrying +something, and asked, “Is this your boot?” I said it was, and he said he +had met a spider going off with it. Next morning he stated that just at +dawn the same spider raised his window and was coming in to get a shirt, +but saw him and fled. + +I inquired, “Did he get the shirt?” + +“No.” + +“How did you know it was a shirt he was after?” + +“I could see it in his eye.” + +We inquired around, but could hear of no Bermudian spider capable of +doing these things. Citizens said that their largest spiders could not +more than spread their legs over an ordinary saucer, and that they had +always been considered honest. Here was testimony of a clergyman against +the testimony of mere worldlings--interested ones, too. On the whole, I +judged it best to lock up my things. + +Here and there on the country roads we found lemon, papaw, orange, lime, +and fig trees; also several sorts of palms, among them the cocoa, the +date, and the palmetto. We saw some bamboos forty feet high, with stems +as thick as a man's arm. Jungles of the mangrove tree stood up out of +swamps; propped on their interlacing roots as upon a tangle of stilts. +In drier places the noble tamarind sent down its grateful cloud of +shade. Here and there the blossomy tamarisk adorned the roadside. There +was a curious gnarled and twisted black tree, without a single leaf on +it. It might have passed itself off for a dead apple tree but for the +fact that it had a star-like, red-hot flower sprinkled sparsely over +its person. It had the scattery red glow that a constellation might +have when glimpsed through smoked glass. It is possible that our +constellations have been so constructed as to be invisible through +smoked glass; if this is so it is a great mistake. + +We saw a tree that bears grapes, and just as calmly and unostentatiously +as a vine would do it. We saw an India-rubber tree, but out of season, +possibly, so there were no shoes on it, nor suspenders, nor anything +that a person would properly expect to find there. This gave it an +impressively fraudulent look. There was exactly one mahogany tree on the +island. I know this to be reliable, because I saw a man who said he had +counted it many a time and could not be mistaken. He was a man with a +harelip and a pure heart, and everybody said he was as true as steel. +Such men are all too few. + +One's eye caught near and far the pink cloud of the oleander and the +red blaze of the pomegranate blossom. In one piece of wild wood the +morning-glory vines had wrapped the trees to their very tops, and +decorated them all over with couples and clusters of great bluebells--a +fine and striking spectacle, at a little distance. But the dull cedar is +everywhere, and is the prevailing foliage. One does not appreciate how +dull it is until the varnished, bright green attire of the infrequent +lemon tree pleasantly intrudes its contrast. In one thing Bermuda is +eminently tropical--was in May, at least--the unbrilliant, slightly +faded, unrejoicing look of the landscape. For forests arrayed in a +blemishless magnificence of glowing green foliage that seems to exult in +its own existence and can move the beholder to an enthusiasm that +will make him either shout or cry, one must go to countries that have +malignant winters. + +We saw scores of colored farmers digging their crops of potatoes +and onions, their wives and children helping--entirely contented and +comfortable, if looks go for anything. We never met a man, or woman, or +child anywhere in this sunny island who seemed to be unprosperous, or +discontented, or sorry about anything. This sort of monotony became very +tiresome presently, and even something worse. The spectacle of an entire +nation groveling in contentment is an infuriating thing. We felt the +lack of something in this community--a vague, an indefinable, an elusive +something, and yet a lack. But after considerable thought we made out +what it was--tramps. Let them go there, right now, in a body. It is +utterly virgin soil. Passage is cheap. Every true patriot in America +will help buy tickets. Whole armies of these excellent beings can be +spared from our midst and our polls; they will find a delicious climate +and a green, kind-hearted people. There are potatoes and onions for all, +and a generous welcome for the first batch that arrives, and elegant +graves for the second. + +It was the Early Rose potato the people were digging. Later in the +year they have another crop, which they call the Garnet. We buy their +potatoes (retail) at fifteen dollars a barrel; and those colored farmers +buy ours for a song, and live on them. Havana might exchange cigars with +Connecticut in the same advantageous way, if she thought of it. + +We passed a roadside grocery with a sign up, “Potatoes Wanted.” An +ignorant stranger, doubtless. He could not have gone thirty steps from +his place without finding plenty of them. + +In several fields the arrowroot crop was already sprouting. Bermuda used +to make a vast annual profit out of this staple before firearms came +into such general use. + +The island is not large. Somewhere in the interior a man ahead of us +had a very slow horse. I suggested that we had better go by him; but +the driver said the man had but a little way to go. I waited to see, +wondering how he could know. Presently the man did turn down another +road. I asked, “How did you know he would?” + +“Because I knew the man, and where he lived.” + +I asked him, satirically, if he knew everybody in the island; he +answered, very simply, that he did. This gives a body's mind a good +substantial grip on the dimensions of the place. + +At the principal hotel at St. George's, a young girl, with a sweet, +serious face, said we could not be furnished with dinner, because we had +not been expected, and no preparation had been made. Yet it was still an +hour before dinner-time. We argued, she yielded not; we supplicated, +she was serene. The hotel had not been expecting an inundation of two +people, and so it seemed that we should have to go home dinnerless. I +said we were not very hungry; a fish would do. My little maid answered, +it was not the market-day for fish. Things began to look serious; but +presently the boarder who sustained the hotel came in, and when the case +was laid before him he was cheerfully willing to divide. So we had much +pleasant chat at table about St. George's chief industry, the repairing +of damaged ships; and in between we had a soup that had something in it +that seemed to taste like the hereafter, but it proved to be only pepper +of a particularly vivacious kind. And we had an iron-clad chicken that +was deliciously cooked, but not in the right way. Baking was not +the thing to convince this sort. He ought to have been put through a +quartz-mill until the “tuck” was taken out of him, and then boiled till +we came again. We got a good deal of sport out of him, but not enough +sustenance to leave the victory on our side. No matter; we had potatoes +and a pie and a sociable good time. Then a ramble through the town, +which is a quaint one, with interesting, crooked streets, and narrow, +crooked lanes, with here and there a grain of dust. Here, as in +Hamilton, the dwellings had Venetian blinds of a very sensible pattern. +They were not double shutters, hinged at the sides, but a single broad +shutter, hinged at the top; you push it outward, from the bottom, and +fasten it at any angle required by the sun or desired by yourself. + +All about the island one sees great white scars on the hill-slopes. +These are dished spaces where the soil has been scraped off and the +coral exposed and glazed with hard whitewash. Some of these are a +quarter-acre in size. They catch and carry the rainfall to reservoirs; +for the wells are few and poor, and there are no natural springs and no +brooks. + +They say that the Bermuda climate is mild and equable, with never any +snow or ice, and that one may be very comfortable in spring clothing the +year round, there. We had delightful and decided summer weather in May, +with a flaming sun that permitted the thinnest of raiment, and yet there +was a constant breeze; consequently we were never discomforted by heat. +At four or five in the afternoon the mercury began to go down, and then +it became necessary to change to thick garments. I went to St. George's +in the morning clothed in the thinnest of linen, and reached home at +five in the afternoon with two overcoats on. The nights are said to be +always cool and bracing. We had mosquito-nets, and the Reverend said the +mosquitoes persecuted him a good deal. I often heard him slapping and +banging at these imaginary creatures with as much zeal as if they had +been real. There are no mosquitoes in the Bermudas in May. + +The poet Thomas Moore spent several months in Bermuda more than seventy +years ago. He was sent out to be registrar of the admiralty. I am +not quite clear as to the function of a registrar of the admiralty of +Bermuda, but I think it is his duty to keep a record of all the admirals +born there. I will inquire into this. There was not much doing in +admirals, and Moore got tired and went away. A reverently preserved +souvenir of him is still one of the treasures of the islands: I gathered +the idea, vaguely, that it was a jug, but was persistently thwarted in +the twenty-two efforts I made to visit it. However, it was no matter, +for I found out afterward that it was only a chair. + +There are several “sights” in the Bermudas, of course, but they are +easily avoided. This is a great advantage--one cannot have it in Europe. +Bermuda is the right country for a jaded man to “loaf” in. There are +no harassments; the deep peace and quiet of the country sink into one's +body and bones and give his conscience a rest, and chloroform the legion +of invisible small devils that are always trying to whitewash his hair. +A good many Americans go there about the first of March and remain until +the early spring weeks have finished their villainies at home. + +The Bermudians are hoping soon to have telegraphic communication with +the world. But even after they shall have acquired this curse it will +still be a good country to go to for a vacation, for there are charming +little islets scattered about the inclosed sea where one could live +secure from interruption. The telegraph-boy would have to come in a +boat, and one could easily kill him while he was making his landing. + +We had spent four days in Bermuda--three bright ones out of doors and +one rainy one in the house, we being disappointed about getting a yacht +for a sail; and now our furlough was ended, and we entered into the ship +again and sailed homeward. + +We made the run home to New York quarantine in three days and five +hours, and could have gone right along up to the city if we had had a +health permit. But health permits are not granted after seven in the +evening, partly because a ship cannot be inspected and overhauled +with exhaustive, thoroughness except in daylight, and partly because +health-officers are liable to catch cold if they expose themselves to +the night air. Still, you can buy a permit after hours for five dollars +extra, and the officer will do the inspecting next week. Our ship and +passengers lay under expense and in humiliating captivity all night, +under the very nose of the little official reptile who is supposed to +protect New York from pestilence by his vigilant “inspections.” This +imposing rigor gave everybody a solemn and awful idea of the beneficent +watchfulness of our government, and there were some who wondered if +anything finer could be found in other countries. + +In the morning we were all a-tiptoe to witness the intricate ceremony +of inspecting the ship. But it was a disappointing thing. The +health-officer's tug ranged alongside for a moment, our purser handed +the lawful three-dollar permit fee to the health-officer's bootblack, +who passed us a folded paper in a forked stick, and away we went. The +entire “inspection” did not occupy thirteen seconds. + +The health-officer's place is worth a hundred thousand dollars a year +to him. His system of inspection is perfect, and therefore cannot be +improved on; but it seems to me that his system of collecting his fees +might be amended. For a great ship to lie idle all night is a most +costly loss of time; for her passengers to have to do the same thing +works to them the same damage, with the addition of an amount of +exasperation and bitterness of soul that the spectacle of that +health-officer's ashes on a shovel could hardly sweeten. Now why would +it not be better and simpler to let the ships pass in unmolested, and +the fees and permits be exchanged once a year by post. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Some Rambling Notes of an Idle +Excursion, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RAMBLING NOTES *** + +***** This file should be named 3182-0.txt or 3182-0.zip ***** This and +all associated files of various formats will be found in: https://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/8/3182/ + +Produced by David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be +renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no one +owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and +you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission +and without paying copyright royalties. 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