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+Project Gutenberg's Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, by Helen Rowland
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Reflections of a Bachelor Girl
+
+Author: Helen Rowland
+
+Illustrator: Henry S. Eddy
+
+Release Date: March 19, 2010 [EBook #31700]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Emmy and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL
+
+
+THE average man looks on matrimony as a hitching post where he can tie a
+woman and leave her until he comes home nights.
+
+STRANGE, how joyfully a man will pay a lawyer five hundred dollars for
+untying the knot that he begrudged paying a clergyman fifty dollars for
+tying.
+
+
+
+
+REFLECTIONS _of_ A BACHELOR GIRL
+
+_By_ HELEN ROWLAND
+
+_Decorated by_ HENRY S. EDDY
+
+"Just once more" is the Devil's best argument.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          NEW YORK
+          DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY
+          220 East 23d Street
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+          Copyright, 1909, by
+          DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+          [Reflections of a Bachelor Girl]
+
+A MAN buttons a woman's dress up the back with almost the same grace and
+alacrity that a woman displays in climbing a barbed wire fence.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL
+
+
+"JUST once more" is the Devil's best argument.
+
+VARIETY is the spice of love.
+
+THE only people who believe in a personal devil, nowadays, are the ones
+who are married to that kind.
+
+THE girl who marries for money is bought; but the girl who marries for
+love is sold.
+
+A WISE lover, like a good cook, is one who knows when the fire is out.
+
+ALIMONY is the price of peace.
+
+IN marriage, the love-light so often goes out as soon as the gas bills
+begin to come in.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE only way to be happy with a husband is to learn to be happy without
+him most of the time.
+
+LOVE is just the shine on the jewel of matrimony; but, after all, the
+shine on a jewel is the whole thing.
+
+A MAN firmly believes that, if he can only keep his wife in the straight
+and narrow path, he can go out and zig-zag all over the downward one
+without falling from grace.
+
+A GIRL is never so surprised when a man proposes to her as he is.
+
+LOVE doesn't really "make the world go 'round," it only makes us so
+dizzy that everything seems to be going round.
+
+ENNUI is "that tired feeling" that a girl has when the right man doesn't
+show up and the wrong one does.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+STRANGE, how joyfully a man will pay a lawyer five hundred dollars for
+untying the knot that he begrudged paying a clergyman fifty dollars for
+tying.
+
+WHEN a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of all the other men
+of her acquaintance for the inattention of just one.
+
+IT gives a girl silver threads among the gold to marry her ardent
+admirer and find out afterward that she has tied herself to a
+life-critic.
+
+AS FAR as men are concerned, a woman's reputation for brains is worse
+than no reputation at all.
+
+ALAS, if husbands were only like sewing machines, and we could have them
+sent up on trial!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+KISSING a girl, without first telling her that you love her, is as small
+and mean as letting a salesman take you for a free ride in an automobile
+when you have no intention of buying it.
+
+DIVORCE is the "Great Divide," over which many men think they will pass
+into Heaven.
+
+A MAN can never be made to understand why a woman will pay fifty dollars
+for a hat containing ten dollars worth of material and forty dollars
+worth of style.
+
+YOUTH will be youth; a young man chases temptation, folly, and chorus
+girls as naturally as a kitten chases its tail.
+
+FLINGING yourself at a man's head is like flinging a bone at a cat; it
+doesn't fascinate him, it frightens him.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MEN say they admire a woman with high ideals and principles; but it's
+the kind with high heels and dimples that a wife hesitates to introduce
+to her husband.
+
+MARRIAGE is the black coffee that a man takes to settle him after the
+love-feast.
+
+LOVE is the feeling that makes a man turn on the hot water when he meant
+to light the gas, go hunting for a collar when what he wanted was a pair
+of socks, shave every day, and forget whether or not he has had any
+lunch.
+
+HAPPINESS is at high-tide at the full of the honeymoon.
+
+SOMEHOW, a man who has been thrown over always lands on his knees to
+another girl.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A CONFIRMED bachelor girl is one who hasn't married--yet.
+
+TOO many "flames" dry up the well-spring of love.
+
+IT IS difficult for an old horse to learn new tricks--but an old _man_
+hasn't sense enough not to try.
+
+THE tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top
+of his head.
+
+NEVER worry for fear you have broken a man's heart; at the worst it is
+only sprained and a week's rest will put it in perfect working condition
+again.
+
+A RICH girl need not bother to cultivate the art of conversation in
+order to be fascinating. Her money will do the talking.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NOTHING can exceed the grace and tenderness with which men make love--in
+novels--, except the off-hand commonplaceness with which they do it in
+real life.
+
+ABOUT the only sign of personal individuality that the average woman is
+allowed to retain after she marries is her toothbrush.
+
+THERE are just three brands of masculine affection: platonic, which is
+love without kisses; plutonic, which is kisses without love, and kisses
+WITH love--which is almost extinct.
+
+OF course women should marry; no home is complete without a husband any
+more than it is without a cuckoo clock or a cat.
+
+"HOME" is any four walls that enclose the right person.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NO MAN can understand why a woman shouldn't prefer a good reputation to
+a good time.
+
+THE original fox was a man and the original grapes were the girls he
+couldn't kiss.
+
+A MAN'S desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate
+himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the
+world.
+
+IT isn't the girls whom he has loved and lost that a man sighs for; it's
+those whom he has loved and never won.
+
+LAZY men fancy that the wheel of life is a roulette wheel, on which
+fortunes are won only by chance.
+
+EVERY time a woman gives a man a piece of her mind she loses a piece of
+his heart.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead
+of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his
+charming manners, that won her heart.
+
+A MAN never marries when he ought to; he waits until some woman comes
+along and gets him so tangled up that he has to.
+
+THE shortest way to Heaven or to Hell is via the Love Route, Limited.
+
+IT MAY be bad form for a man to pay his wife compliments and call her
+pet-names in the presence of other women, but it's awfully good policy.
+
+MANY a foolish runaway match has been prevented by the fact that a girl
+didn't have on her best silk stockings at the critical moment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+REMORSE is the feeling a man has when the bottle is empty or he has
+tired of the girl.
+
+HUSBANDS are like Christmas gifts: you can't choose them; you've just
+got to sit down and wait until they arrive and then appear perfectly
+delighted with what you get.
+
+THE beauty of variety in love or wine is that the moment a man discovers
+a new brand or a new girl, he forgets all about the others and honestly
+believes that he is tasting the real thing for the first time.
+
+MATRIMONY should not be a prison but a privilege, and husbands and wives
+should not be jailors but jolliers.
+
+THAT lump which a man feels in his throat when he is about to propose is
+the "don't" lump.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN may read everything that ever was written about women and yet not
+know enough to avoid asking his wife a question when her mouth is full
+of pins.
+
+THE oftener a man falls in love, the more easily and gracefully he does
+it; exercise seems to keep the heart in good working condition.
+
+IT IS always a surprise to a woman when her husband sues for $200,000
+for the alienation of her affections, which he never seemed to consider
+worth two cents.
+
+MATRIMONY is a revolving door, round which husband and wife follow one
+another without ever meeting on the same side of any question.
+
+MARRYING an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+LOVE always must end sooner or later--usually sooner than the girl
+expected and later than the man intended.
+
+THE woman who insists on playing Solitaire in conversation is likely to
+end by playing Old Maid.
+
+FROM the number of virtues and accomplishments that a man expects to
+find in one wife, you'd fancy he was marrying a harem.
+
+DON'T worry for fear you may freeze a man's love out; the colder the
+wind you blow upon it, the higher you fan the flames.
+
+THE saddest thing about married life is the opportunity it gives two
+otherwise agreeable people for telling one another the disagreeable
+truth.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE never was a man big and strong enough to get out his clean shirt
+and collar and fix the water for his bath.
+
+IT'S when the game becomes a trifle stale that a man begins to feel
+conscientious qualms about flirting with a woman.
+
+THE woman who pins her faith to a man won't find a safety-pin strong
+enough to stand the strain.
+
+IN love, the best way to erase one face from the tablet of memory is to
+draw another across it.
+
+A MAN'S ideal woman is the one he couldn't get.
+
+A MAN may feel like a brute at taking a kiss from a nice girl--but it
+isn't until after he's gotten the kiss.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHY should matrimony interfere with pleasure in this day of self-rocking
+cradles, self-cooking ranges--and self-supporting wives?
+
+MOST men write a love-letter as cautiously as though they were writing
+for publication, or fame, or posterity.
+
+THE man who breaks his social engagements with you before marriage, will
+break everything from his word to your heart, afterward.
+
+PLATONIC friendship is a ship that starts for Nowhere and nearly always
+ends by being wrecked in the port of Love.
+
+TO a man, marriage means giving up four out of five of the chiffonier
+drawers; to a woman, giving up four out of five of her opinions.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN'S conscience is like his head; it never bothers him until "the
+morning after."
+
+A MAN'S shoulders are not always as broad as they're padded.
+
+MEN say they hate anything loud about a woman; it must be disgust that
+makes them always turn around to stare after a peroxide blonde.
+
+THE saddest sight on earth is an old bachelor trying to sew on a button
+with a blunt needle and a piece of string.
+
+THERE are some men who, before marriage, will risk their lives to pick
+up your parasol from in front of a whizzing automobile who wouldn't get
+off the sofa after marriage to pick up anything you might drop, from a
+hint, to a baby.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A HUSBAND gets so used to his wife's conversation that after a while it
+doesn't interrupt his reading of the newspaper any more than the
+plunking in the steam pipes.
+
+OF course men admire a circumspect woman above all things, but they
+seldom invite her out to supper.
+
+NOTHING bores a man worse than the devotion of the girl before the last.
+
+IT'S rather sad to see how easily a man gets "that tired feeling" after
+a love affair has become a bit stale.
+
+A MAN may send you a gold-handled umbrella with your monogram on it in
+diamonds and mean nothing but good-fellowship, but if he offers to put
+it up and carry it over you for fear the mist will spoil your feathers
+you may be sure he's in love.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+LOVE letters lead to all sorts of complications, but post cards tell no
+tales.
+
+ASKING a girl if you may kiss her before doing it is an insulting way of
+laying all the responsibility on her.
+
+A MARRIED man thinks that if he concedes to smooth his top hair and
+carry a cane he is sufficiently dressy to go out anywhere with his wife.
+
+BRIDEGROOMS have that sheepish look because every one of them is morally
+certain that he is a lamb being led to the slaughter.
+
+A WIFE sort of loses her awe and admiration for men after she has seen
+her husband without a collar and with his face covered with shaving
+lather and his top hair sticking up in tufts.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN seldom discovers that he hasn't married his affinity until his
+wife begins to get crow's-feet around the eyes.
+
+IF YOU want to be really popular pat a bald man on the head; call an old
+man "naughty boy"; treat a young man with timid respect; cling to a
+little man like the vine to the mighty oak, and tell a fat man how you
+love to dance with him.
+
+THE man who declares a friend innocent even when he knows he is guilty,
+and defends a woman's reputation even when it is scarcely worth
+defending, is not written down a liar by the recording angel.
+
+ODD how a man always gets remorse confused with reform; a cold bath, a
+dose of bromo-selzer, and his wife's forgiveness will make him feel so
+moral that he will begin to patronize you.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT'S as hard to get a man to stay home after you've married him as it
+was to get him to go home before you married him.
+
+A MAN hates emotions; when a girl pours her heart out to him he feels as
+if she has emptied the warm water jug or the molasses cruet over him.
+
+A WOMAN will lie to anybody else on earth sooner than to the man she
+loves; but a man will lie to the woman he loves sooner than to anybody
+else on earth.
+
+MATRIMONY is a bargain--and somebody has got to get the worst of the
+bargain.
+
+THE most uncomfortable thing about being married is that you can never
+tell whether your friends are envying you or pitying you.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ALL a man asks for in the love-game is beginner's luck.
+
+POKER and love are both games of bluff.
+
+A MAN has so many more temptations than a woman--because he knows where
+to go and find them.
+
+A MAN will sit on the edge of the bed, holding one shoe in his hand and
+gazing into space for half an hour, and then send the cook into
+hysterics and the waitress into nervous prostration because he has only
+ten minutes left in which to eat his breakfast.
+
+MOST bridal couples pile enough honey into the first month of matrimony
+to last a whole lifetime if thinned out and spread on economically.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WONDER if Adam ever scolded Eve for her extravagance in fig leaves.
+
+A BABY'S kisses taste of stale milk, a boy's of jam, a young man's of
+cigarettes and a husband's of cocktails.
+
+OF course people can't carry their party manners into marriage; but if
+they could, marriage would be more like a party and less like a prize
+fight.
+
+SOME marriages of convenience turn out to be about the most inconvenient
+things that could possibly have happened.
+
+WHEN perfect frankness comes in at the door love flies out of the
+window.
+
+MIGHT as well hail a Broadway car on the wrong side of the street as to
+hail a man on the wrong side of his vanity.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DIVORCE is getting to be as painless as dentistry. Two people pack each
+other's trunks, genially shake hands farewell, wish each other luck, and
+then go off to Europe while the lawyers fight it out.
+
+A MAN forgets all about how to make love after ten years of matrimony;
+but it's wonderful how quickly he can get into practice again after his
+wife dies.
+
+DON'T flatter yourself because he calls every Sunday evening that it is
+a sign that he's getting serious. It may only be a sign that everything
+else is closed.
+
+NO doubt when a man puts his cheek against a girl's he always imagines
+that it feels as smooth as hers does.
+
+GETTING married is so easy that most men are suspicious of it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MOTHER-IN-LAW may be the serpent in the Garden of Eden; but if it
+hadn't been for the serpent whom would Adam have had to blame for all
+his troubles?
+
+WHEN two people marry they "lock their hearts together and throw away
+the key;" then they begin looking around for some old legal nail to pick
+the lock with.
+
+LUCK in love consists in getting not the person you want, but the person
+who wants you. If you don't believe it try being married to somebody who
+is not in love with you.
+
+A MAN'S idea of an engagement is a chance to find out whether or not he
+really enjoys kissing that particular girl.
+
+IT'S not his understanding of the plot of the opera that makes a man
+appreciate it, but the "understanding" of the chorus ladies.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN thinks that by marrying a woman he proves he loves her, and that
+therefore nothing more need ever be said about it.
+
+THE average man looks on matrimony as a hitching post where he can tie a
+woman and leave her until he comes home nights.
+
+THERE is nothing so uninteresting to a a man as a contentedly married
+woman.
+
+A MAN'S sweethearts are like his cigars; he has many of each of them,
+loves each one as tenderly as the preceding, and appreciates each
+according to its expensiveness.
+
+A HUSBAND can always find fault with his wife, but, then, even
+archangels could pick flaws in one another if they had to drink coffee
+at the same table every morning.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MATRIMONY is, like the weather, mighty uncertain, and the happiest
+people are those who are neither looking for storms nor banking on
+sunshine, but are just willing to go along sensibly and take what comes.
+
+IT MAY mean nothing, but it's very mortifying to a woman when she takes
+her husband's dog for a walk and he tries to go into every corner
+saloon.
+
+IT'S easier to hide your light under a bushel than to keep your shady
+side dark.
+
+FUNNY how a married man who is trying to flirt with you always begins by
+telling you what a trying disposition his wife has.
+
+IT'S harder to get around a husband without flattery than to get around
+Cape Horn without a compass.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN marries a girl for what she is, and then invariably tries to make
+her over into something else which he thinks she ought to be.
+
+WHEN an ordinary man does not smoke, drink, nor swear, be careful to
+find out what worse folly it is that he is addicted to.
+
+A MAN gets his sentiment for a woman so mixed up with the brand of
+perfume she uses that half the time he doesn't know which is which.
+
+HUSBANDS are like the pictures in the anti-fat advertisements--so
+different before and after taking.
+
+THERE are moments when the meanest of women may feel a sisterly sympathy
+for her husband's first wife.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A WOMAN may have a great deal of difficulty getting married the first
+time, but after that it's easy, because where one man leads the others
+will follow like a flock of sheep.
+
+THERE are so many ways of punishing a refractory wife that the husband
+who cannot find one is either a timid, mawkish creature or--a gentleman.
+
+WHEN a lawyer is slow about getting a pretty woman her divorce it is
+because he wants a chance to make love to her before she is in a
+position to start a breach of promise suit.
+
+SOME men feel that the only thing they owe the woman who marries them is
+a grudge.
+
+BLUE BEARD isn't the only bridegroom who ever went to the altar with a
+closet full of dead loves on his conscience.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT isn't what a man can see through the holes in a peek-a-boo waist that
+makes the garment attractive, but what he tries to see and can't.
+
+A MAN who would turn up his nose at an overdone chop or an overdone
+biscuit will swallow an overdone compliment with the keenest relish.
+
+TOBACCO and love and olives are all acquired tastes; your first smoke
+makes you sick, your first olive tastes bitter, and your first love
+affair makes you unhappy.
+
+MOST men fancy that being married to a woman means merely seeing her in
+the mornings instead of in the evenings.
+
+A REFORMED rake is like a made-over hat or made-over tea--he has lost
+his style and his flavor.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN is always advising his wife to wear common-sense shoes, but that
+isn't the kind he turns around in the street to stare after.
+
+IT isn't the man who is willing to stay up late to talk to you, but the
+one who is willing to get up early to work for you, that you ought to
+waste your powder on.
+
+WHEN a woman is pretty and married an optimistic man can always console
+himself with the thought that perhaps she is unhappy because her husband
+doesn't appreciate her.
+
+MEN used to marry good cooks and flirt with chorus girls; now they marry
+chorus girls and hire good cooks.
+
+IT'S an ill wind that teaches a man the value of hatpins.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IF WE could all pay the price of matrimony in a lump sum it wouldn't be
+so bad; but paying it in daily instalments is what wearies us.
+
+A MARRIED man soon learns enough not to let the barber put lilac water
+on his hair; it's wonderful how sharp they get about exciting suspicion.
+
+LOVE always comes to a man as a surprise; he feels like a person who has
+been hit in the dark, and his one thought is for a means of escape.
+
+IF THE average husband were half as attentive, solicitous and devoted as
+his coachman, there would be fewer scandals of the drawing-room-stable
+variety.
+
+FLIRTING is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+SOME men are such bunglers at love-making that they cannot make a
+sentimental remark without tripping over it, or take your hand or a kiss
+without making you feel as though they had taken your pocketbook.
+
+THE average man's ideas of what a woman ought to be are as old-fashioned
+and set as two china vases on a parlor mantel.
+
+IT takes a mighty dishonorable man not to lie to a woman about where he
+saw her husband the night before.
+
+NEAR-LOVE-MAKING is the scientific masculine method of saying a great
+deal and promising nothing.
+
+IT'S so hard to reform a man when he hasn't any great fault but just a
+little of all of them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN who devotes his youth to ambition and cuts out love, finds out
+that he has been eating the bread of life without any jam on it.
+
+IT'S so easy for a man to get engaged that he is always disagreeably
+surprised when he finds out how difficult it is to get disengaged.
+
+A MAN buttons a woman's dress up the back with almost the same grace and
+alacrity that a woman displays in climbing a barbed wire fence.
+
+IT isn't Cupid, but cupidity, that is to blame for those unhappy
+international marriages.
+
+A MAN is absolutely certain that a woman is perfectly proper when she
+refuses to kiss him because in his simple, childlike vanity he can't
+think of any other reason why she shouldn't want to.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+GIVE me a man with a dark brown past--one who has tasted the spice in
+life's pudding, and won't begin to long for it the moment he has been
+put on the matrimonial diet of bread and milk.
+
+THE man who fancies himself completely understood is as unhappy as the
+woman who thinks she is misunderstood.
+
+IF St. Peter is really an old man, no girl over seventeen need apply for
+admission to Heaven.
+
+A KISS may be anything from an insult to a benediction; and yet a man
+never can understand why a girl is indignant sometimes when she is
+kissed and isn't at others.
+
+EVEN a dead husband gives a widow some advantage over an old maid.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE kind of wife every man is looking for is one who can peel potatoes
+with one hand, curl her hair with the other, rock the cradle with her
+foot and accompany herself on the piano.
+
+IT isn't conscience, but the fear of consequences that keeps a man from
+trifling with a pretty woman.
+
+POVERTY is a love charm; you never know how great a thing love is until
+you haven't anything else in the world.
+
+WOMEN take awful chances in matrimony--because that's the only kind they
+get nowadays.
+
+A MAN'S past is always quite past and his dead loves are so dead that he
+wouldn't recognize them if he should meet their corpses on the street.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN always holds a woman at her own valuation; if she sets a high
+price on herself he is eager to pay it, but he doesn't want anything
+that looks as though it came off a bargain counter.
+
+A MAN always considers himself mighty clever when he can glide through
+the shallows of love-making without foundering on the rocks of
+matrimony.
+
+CHOOSING a husband is like picking out the combination on a lottery
+ticket; your first guess is apt to be as good as your last.
+
+A MAN'S idea of success is to be able to run his business by touching
+the electric button at the side of his desk.
+
+MAN is a mysterious chemical combination; add matrimony and you never
+can tell what he will turn into.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE is nothing which falls with such a dull sickening thud on a man's
+vanity as his wife's dead silence after he has made one of his
+characteristically brilliant remarks.
+
+IT IS always a shock to a girl when her fiancé's sister takes her into
+his den and she sees her photograph standing on the mantelpiece between
+an actress in green tights and a cigarette ad.
+
+A GIRL who has a brother has a great advantage over one who hasn't; she
+gets a working knowledge of men without having to go through the
+matrimonial inquisition in order to acquire it.
+
+A MAN always pats himself on the back when he has composed a letter that
+breathes devotion, but would not be negotiable in a breach of promise
+suit.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE is nothing so easy for a man as forgetting; he scarcely takes time
+to throw a shovelful of dirt on the grave of a dead love before he is
+off pursuing a new one.
+
+TO a man love is only a side dish; to a woman it's the whole feast.
+
+THERE are few men constituted strong enough romantically to stand a
+daily diet of kisses, without getting sentimental nausea.
+
+GENIUS, like anything else, needs distance to lend it enchantment; and
+the longer you are married to one, the more distance you are likely to
+give him.
+
+BEFORE marrying a man, ask yourself if you could love him if he lost his
+front hair, went without a collar, smoked an old pipe, and wore a
+ready-made suit; all of these things are likely to happen.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT'S a funny thing about being in love, that the minute a man begins to
+get serious he begins to get foolish.
+
+A HUSBAND always expects his wife to look up to him, even if she has to
+get down on her knees to do it.
+
+COURTING is like cooking; you've got to be born with the knack; brains
+don't take the prizes and theory doesn't count.
+
+THE greatest proof that marriage is not a failure is that widows and
+widowers are always anxious to try it again.
+
+THE only way to be happy with a husband is to believe everything he
+tells you--even when you know it isn't so.
+
+IN love, a man's interest in the game is always deeper than his interest
+in the girl.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN may like a girl ever so much until he finds out she likes him ever
+so much; then like cures like. See "Simple Homoeopathy."
+
+PROPOSING is like making welsh-rarebit; there isn't any reliable recipe
+for it and you can only tell whether or not you have done properly by
+the way it turns out.
+
+AFTER a man has seen you cry two or three times it ceases to move
+him--except to move him out of the house.
+
+THE color of a friend's finger nails or his socks has very much more
+weight with a snob than the color of his soul or his reputation.
+
+IF a man would stick to his wife as he sticks to his seat in a street
+car, there wouldn't be much need for an alimony bureau.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AN old bachelor's looks may be well preserved, but his heart is always
+embalmed.
+
+IT takes an awfully big man to own up to his wife that he was a little
+at fault in a quarrel.
+
+WHEN a man gets a wife who makes him happy, he lays it to his
+perspicacity; when he doesn't, he lays it on fate.
+
+LIFE is a game in four rubbers: hearts are trumps when a man is very
+young; clubs are trumps after he marries; diamonds are trumps as he
+waxes rich and gouty; and lastly--spades.
+
+TO flirt inartistically is like stepping on a woman's toes when you are
+waltzing with her; it gives her real pain.
+
+A MAN seldom marries when he loses his heart; he waits until he loses
+his head.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN is like a cat; chase him and he'll run; sit still and ignore him
+and he'll come purring at your feet.
+
+WHAT a girl, who would be really popular, should do, is to wave a red
+danger flag at a man and then start to run in the opposite direction.
+
+THERE are some men who regard their wives' accomplishments with the same
+patronizing complacency that they feel toward the tricks of the educated
+monkey at the circus.
+
+DON'T always imagine that the man and woman who walk side by side
+without speaking to each other are angry; they may be only married.
+
+MASCULINITY covereth a multitude of sins.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE man who whips his small son for lying to shield a girl, has a mental
+vision as narrow as a Rocky Mountain path and side walls of dogmatism as
+high as the Colorado Cañon.
+
+SATAN and Cupid are chums, who go about together looking for people who
+have nothing to do.
+
+MANY a woman has divorced her husband for "desertion" who cheerfully
+helped pack his trunk and pay for his railway ticket when he left her.
+
+A MAN'S conscience is made of India rubber--warranted to stretch as long
+as the fun lasts.
+
+SOME men think that by putting on a silk hat and a white Ascot tie they
+are disguised as gentlemen.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE average man is about as good a judge of women as a woman is of race
+horses; he picks the favorites by their shape and color.
+
+LOVE is like gambling; you want to be sure that you are a good loser
+before you go in for the game.
+
+A MAN'S idea of honor is so peculiar; he would die rather than steal a
+friend's money or cheat him at cards, but he will steal his wife or
+cheat him out of his daughter with perfect equanimity.
+
+WHEN you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to
+work for a living.
+
+FLIRTATION is like a cocktail with no headache in it, champagne with no
+"next morning."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ALL men are the same after ten years of matrimony; they all smell of
+cloves and tobacco, talk in monosyllables, and tell the same stories
+when they come home late.
+
+A RECKLESS lover and an automobile scorcher may run all the risks--but
+they have all the excitement.
+
+OF course, bigamy is very reprehensible; but the man who marries two
+women deserves a little credit for trying to make up to the sex for the
+selfishness of the old bachelor who won't marry even one.
+
+IN a domestic quarrel, it is not the one who can hold out, but the one
+who can hold in, who usually wins.
+
+THE boy who has been brought up to button his sister's frocks down the
+back cherishes no illusions about women.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN is never content with a fortune of less than six figures; but a
+woman is satisfied with one figure--if it has the proper curves.
+
+IT'S a wise woman that knows how little she knows about her husband.
+
+ONE advantage of a bull-dog over a baby is that you are not haunted by
+the fear that he will grow up to be just like his father.
+
+THE way to a man's heart is a zig-zag road, leading through his stomach
+twice around his vanity, across his discretion and straight over his
+determination not to marry.
+
+FAILING to be "there" when a man wants her, is the greatest sin a woman
+can commit--except being there when doesn't want her.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE best men always seem to get the worst wives and vice versa; that's
+Nature's little way of spreading the virtues and the vices around
+equally, like the jam and the butter on the bread.
+
+A MAN'S idea of being "master" in his own house is asserting his right
+to put his muddy feet on the best divan and his pipe ashes on the parlor
+mantelpiece.
+
+A WOMAN may scoff at her husband's religion, insult his friends, absorb
+his income and pry into his secrets, and still retain his love, if she
+regards his pipe and his razor as sacred.
+
+YOU can always find somebody to share your money and your pleasures
+with; but you've got to have somebody tied to you to share your sorrows
+and troubles with; that's the excuse for matrimony.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MARRIAGE of convenience is the safety-pin with which a woman fastens
+on her self-respect when the hooks of love are broken.
+
+THERE never was a man so small that he couldn't call his two-hundred
+pound wife "little one" with a perfectly serious face.
+
+GOD made the first man; but He must have seen His mistake, for the
+Scriptures say nothing of His having had anything to do with the rest of
+them.
+
+A MAN'S idea of a thrifty wife is one who can make lobster salad out of
+left-over veal and a new hat out of an old fruit basket.
+
+LOVE is the spur, matrimony the whip that drive a man to hard work and
+successful accomplishment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE longest way 'round the saloon and the stage door is the shortest way
+home for some men.
+
+THERE never was a man living who wouldn't marry Venus, and then expect
+her to stay home and do the cooking.
+
+ONCE a fool, twice married.
+
+WHEN a girl marries she usually has to choose whether she prefers to sit
+at the foot of a throne or to stand on a door-mat.
+
+OF course, you can't expect two people to keep step all their lives to
+the wedding march; but it's a pity the joy-bells get out of tune so
+soon.
+
+NINE tailors may make a man, but they can't make a gentleman.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BEFORE marriage a man inquires, "What is that fascinating perfume?"
+afterward, "What is that sickening stuff?"
+
+IT isn't the troubles and sorrows they share, but the bridge parties and
+midnight suppers they don't share, which separate most married couples.
+
+THERE is no pity on earth so heartfelt as that with which the bachelor
+and the newly-married man regard one another.
+
+LOVE is a delirious spin in an automobile, marriage the accident of
+which you are always in danger.
+
+A WOMAN can get so used to that sort of thing that she would feel almost
+neglected if some day her husband should fail to offer up the usual
+morning and evening growl.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A WOMAN will go on a starvation diet and have herself skinned alive in
+order to retain her husband's admiration; but a man considers himself a
+martyr if he resists a boiled onion.
+
+THE sentiment a society woman wastes in baby-talk to her dog and the
+money a society man wastes on gasoline for his automobile would keep
+half a dozen babies in love and milk.
+
+A CYNIC can always find flaws in a woman and weeds in a rose garden.
+
+THE lower a man's forehead, the higher his collar.
+
+NO matter how much a man dislikes children before marriage, after
+marriage he always imagines that he is going to improve on the human
+race.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A GIRL'S idea of a proposal of marriage is so different from any she
+ever gets, that, even after she is married she often wonders how it
+happened.
+
+VENUS may have been the most popular lady of her time; but it takes a
+clever huntress, like Diana, to get any attention nowadays.
+
+NOTHING makes a woman feel so old as watching the bald spot daily
+increase on the top of her husband's head.
+
+LOVE is not really blind, it is only nearsighted; and marriage is the
+optician that furnishes it with a strong pair of lenses, warranted to
+dispel all illusions and make defects perfectly clear.
+
+WHOM the gods wish to destroy they first infatuate with a chorus girl.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A WISE jilt wears his scalp beneath his waistcoat, and a wise girl keeps
+her mittens carefully hidden; only a savage or a fool flaunts the
+trophies of the love-chase.
+
+COCK ROBIN isn't the only chap who ever promised to feed a girl on
+jelly-cake and wine when he knew perfectly well that the moment they
+were married she would have to go out and grub for worms.
+
+PATCHING up a shattered love-affair is as foolish as trying to mend
+cobwebs.
+
+MATRIMONY is a see-saw; and the secret of happiness lies in keeping
+yourself so carefully balanced that you neither fly into the air nor
+come down with a sickening thud.
+
+THE softer a man's head, the louder his socks.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FROM the latest divorce cases it appears that as soon as a married
+couple get rich enough to keep two automobiles they at once begin to
+travel separate roads.
+
+DON'T think your husband has ceased to love you merely because he has
+begun to lie to you; it's when he stops taking the trouble to whitewash
+himself that you have real grounds for that suspicion.
+
+MANY a woman thinks she has married a hero until she tries to get him to
+go out and reason with the janitor.
+
+A GOOD husband may be the "salt of the earth," but he often seems more
+like the pepper.
+
+THE trouble with the marriage tie is that it's so tight that most people
+get tangled up or frazzled out trying to loosen it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a young man rails at marriage, listen for the wedding bells; a
+confirmed bachelor is too indifferent on the subject to be bitter about
+it.
+
+A MAN doesn't think he has had a good time unless he has a headache the
+next morning.
+
+THERE is no such thing as a confirmed bachelor in the countries where
+harems are fashionable.
+
+IT isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of
+marrying; it's separating himself from all the others.
+
+WHAT a man considers his "personal distinction," and a girl refers to as
+his "charming personality," is often nothing more than a good tailor and
+a smart haberdasher.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BEING good is merely keeping up with the styles; what was immoral ten
+years ago is only fashionable now, and what is shocking now will be only
+fashionable ten years hence.
+
+WONDER how many wives have been awakened from love's young dream by a
+snore.
+
+IT'S the men who are least particular about their own morals who are the
+most particular about a woman's; if Satan should come up here seeking a
+wife, he would probably demand an angel with gilt wings instead of a
+nice congenial little devil.
+
+APPEALING to a man's sense of humor when he has just lathered his face
+for shaving, is about as effective as appealing to a cat's sense of
+honor when she sees a chance to steal the milk.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN loses his illusions first, his teeth second and his follies last.
+
+SOMEHOW, the wagon a woman hitches to a star always turns out a baby
+carriage.
+
+A GOOD lie in time saves nine poor ones next morning.
+
+WHEN a girl refuses a man his chagrin is always tempered by his
+astonishment that she could be so blind to her own good fortune.
+
+THE troublesome part of love and everything nice is that it always must
+end; but then that's the _nice_ part of matrimony and everything
+troublesome.
+
+THAT old saw about marrying a man to get rid of him isn't a joke. It's
+the best way.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ABSENCE may make the heart grow fonder, but it is more likely to make
+the head grow steadier; there is nothing like total abstinence to cure
+you of "that dizzy feeling" that comes from either love or cocktails.
+
+BY THE awkwardness with which some men make love, you would fancy they
+had learned how in a correspondence school.
+
+AS lovers men are inclined to be general practitioners rather than
+specialists.
+
+IT MAY be possible to patch up a wornout love affair, but the darned
+places will always rub even if they don't show.
+
+IF a man would display the same patience in catering to a wife that he
+does in coloring an old meerschaum pipe matrimony would be as pleasant
+as a pipe dream.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE'S an old superstition that it's bad luck to be married in May; why
+not include the other eleven months?
+
+THE only contract a man considers so unimportant that he will sign it
+without first reading it over is the marriage contract.
+
+A WOMAN whose husband gives her cause for jealousy should not shed
+tears; she should shed the husband.
+
+A MAN is never really old until his rosy hopes have turned gray and he
+has begun to get wrinkles in his disposition.
+
+A GOOD woman is known by what she does; a good man by what he doesn't.
+
+RICH men and their wives are soon parted; matrimony plus money has such
+a way of developing into alimony.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ONE way to a man's heart is through your father's pocketbook.
+
+LOVE is the sparkle in the wine; matrimony, the headache that follows.
+
+BETTER be a young man's slave than an old man's nurse.
+
+THERE is something about one cocktail that makes a man want another the
+moment he has swallowed it; and there is something about one woman that
+makes a man want another the moment he has married her.
+
+A MAN plays his part in his first love affair as an actor plays his
+first star rôle with fire and enthusiasm, but without poise or method;
+later he becomes so technical that he can make his pretty speeches
+backward without a single thrill.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE only common ground on which some married people ever meet is the
+burying ground.
+
+LOVE is like a good dinner; the only way to get any satisfaction out of
+it is to enjoy it while it lasts, have no regrets when it is over and
+pay the price with good grace.
+
+HUSBANDS and wives may meet in heaven--but some of them won't if they
+see each other first.
+
+THE hardest part about the "next morning" is not the headache; it's the
+effort to recall what particular story you told your wife the night
+before.
+
+POOR people don't have to economize on love, kisses nor enthusiasm; and
+with plenty of those one can cover all the bare spots on the walls of
+poverty.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FLATTER a husband a little and he will adore you; flatter him too much
+and he will soon begin to wonder why such a combination of Solomon and
+the Apollo Belvidere ever stooped to marry an insignificant little thing
+like you.
+
+IT'S the hours a woman spends making frocks that her husband never looks
+at, and the hours a man spends making jokes that his wife never laughs
+at, that make the matrimonial years drag so heavily.
+
+THE reason that a woman who takes the downward path has so much
+attention is that there are so many men going that way.
+
+A MAN makes a virtue of necessity when he prides himself on his devotion
+to a wife who is so fascinating that he can't help it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN'S wife, like any other sort of stimulant, ceases to have that
+exhilarating effect after she has become a steady diet.
+
+NO MAN knows the shock that a woman receives when she finds that she has
+got to live up to a standard that is half angel and half cook.
+
+MEN declare they admire common sense in a woman; but a physical
+culturist with a perfect digestion and a thirty-inch waist hasn't a
+chance in the world against a foolish, unhealthy little thing in a
+French corset, a princess frock and open-work stockings.
+
+THE ultimate proof of a man's love is the self-restraint he shows when
+he allows a girl to run her fingers through his hair without putting up
+his hand to see if the part is still there.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A LITTLE knowledge makes a man a fool--but it makes a woman suspicious.
+
+THE best way to cure a man's love is to return it with interest--and
+then watch him lose the interest.
+
+A MAN seldom escapes temptation because he is so careful not to let any
+interesting temptations escape him.
+
+SELF-SACRIFICE is the soul of love, and a real soul-mate is one who is
+willing to get up and take the milk off the dumb-waiter, wait until you
+have finished with the morning paper and give you the seat nearest the
+radiator.
+
+IT must be awful to live with a man after you have reformed him and he
+has become so superlatively good that you don't feel superior to him any
+more.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+GOOD husbands are like tracts, comforting but uninteresting; the other
+kind are like dime novels, exciting, but apt to keep you in a constant
+fever of dread, anticipation and curiosity.
+
+IF a woman were like a serial novel and a man could read only one
+chapter at a time, honeymoons would last forever.
+
+A MAN doesn't demand common sense from a woman; he is satisfied with
+incense.
+
+WHEN a girl marries a man because he is the best she can do it is the
+irony of fate to have him blame her because they are ill-mated.
+
+DAKOTA is the State that cuts a woman's troubles in half--and kindly
+takes away the better half.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WONDERFUL how soon after marriage a man gets to look upon the morning
+and evening kiss as one of his daily chores.
+
+WHAT is the happiest state in life? Why, Dakota, of course.
+
+COLLEGE boys are addicted to cigarettes and flirtations, bachelors to
+cigars and sweethearts; it takes a married man to get real joy out of
+anything so economical as a pipe or a wife.
+
+MARRIAGE is the "commencement exercise" at which we take our diplomas in
+love; thereafter, like the college graduate, we begin to learn how
+little we know about it all.
+
+HALF the divorces are founded right on the wedding journey, just as half
+of indigestion is founded on too much sugar.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHAT do they know--about one another that makes every man who kisses a
+girl warn her so darkly and impressively not to trust any of the others?
+
+POVERTY is only a relative affair, after all; it is X minus the things
+you want.
+
+HEAVEN must be something like an afternoon tea, as far as the dearth of
+men is concerned.
+
+FIGURES do lie; especially if they are the ones that express a woman's
+age--or the time a man gets home at night.
+
+A MAN'S favorite way of answering a woman's accusations is to tell her
+how pretty she looks when she gets excited.
+
+MATRIMONY is the price of love--divorce, the rebate.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a millionaire's heart is touched it makes a hollow sound.
+
+THE woman who is wedded to an art and also to a man pays the full
+penalty for that kind of bigamy.
+
+IN the love game nobody knows exactly what he wants; but a wise man
+tries to get what he thinks he wants and a wise woman tries to think she
+wants what she gets.
+
+A MAN isn't as curious as a woman--because usually a woman tells him
+everything before he has a chance to become curious.
+
+THE only original thing about some men is original sin.
+
+HOLD on tight to your temper 'round the curves of matrimony.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+COLD water never cured a fever and a woman's indifference never put out
+the divine fire of a man's love.
+
+LOVE is a sort of club sandwich affair, composed of large slices of
+selfishness, seasoned with passion, spiced with jealousy and covered
+with thin layers of sentiment.
+
+A MAN may admire a superior woman, but when it comes to marrying he
+prefers a goose who will cackle at his jokes to an owl who is likely to
+hoot at them.
+
+A MAN always remembers a girl's first kiss the longest--because usually
+that's the only one he had any trouble in getting.
+
+TO keep a man's interest at high pressure deal yourself out to him in
+homoeopathic doses; one only wants more of anything that one cannot get
+enough of.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THOSE who have tried matrimony, like those who have finished with the
+morning paper, always say, "There's nothing in it;" but somehow that
+never keeps the rest of us from wanting to see for ourselves.
+
+WONDER if it never occurs to the woman who marries a man to reform him
+that the sort of person who is headstrong enough to have made a "past"
+for himself isn't likely to sit quietly by and let somebody else carve
+out his future for him.
+
+IT is so much easier for some men to go to the devil for a woman than to
+go to work for her.
+
+ALAS that the fever of love should so often be followed by a chill!
+
+IN THE modern love affair woman proposes, God disposes and man--just
+dozes.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN doesn't need to swear at a woman in order to express his opinion
+of her; he can shut the front door behind him in the morning so that it
+sounds just like a "damn!"
+
+BY a man's vows of devotion ye shall not know him; the lover who
+promises a girl a life of roses is usually the one who allows her to
+pick off all the thorns for herself.
+
+MAN is such a paradox that a woman is forced to make him believe that
+she doesn't take him seriously--or she won't get a chance to take him at
+all.
+
+A MAN cannot keep his grouch and his friends at the same time.
+
+THE woman who marries a dandy soon discovers that a thing of beauty is
+not necessarily a joy forever.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN never selects a wife with any judgment or reason, because by the
+time he has reached the marrying fever all judgment and reason have
+fled.
+
+IT IS a wise fool who rushes in and a fool angel who fears to tread when
+it comes to love making; the woman who can't be coaxed can always be
+captured.
+
+IT MAY not be immoral for a girl to say "damn," but it affects a man
+just as it would to hear a dove or a canary bird shrieking like a
+parrot.
+
+A MAN in the act of putting his wife on the train for her summer
+vacation feels like the bad boy who has just heard the bell clang for
+recess; he doesn't know exactly what he is going to do, but he knows it
+will be something against the rules and hence very fascinating.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT'S awfully hard for a girl, with her mind all made up and her thoughts
+at the altar, to sit silently by and wait for the love idea to penetrate
+the thick layers of resistance that cover the masculine brain.
+
+AS long as Satan can make a woman believe that it is possible to reform
+a rake and make a roué over into a doting husband the ladies will keep
+his majesty's business running.
+
+IF anything could make a woman willing to exchange her curves for a
+little muscle it would be that maddening, "There, there, now!" attitude
+with which the average man greets her righteous wrath.
+
+MANY a man would be dumbfounded if he should discover that the ideal in
+his wife's heart didn't have a double chin, a bald spot and turned-in
+toes just like himself.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE music of the spheres isn't loud enough to drown the din of some
+matrimonial squabbles.
+
+A KNOWLEDGE of all the ologies and isms isn't worth half as much to a
+girl in the game of life as a knowledge of how to use her eyes and how
+to keep her pompadour in curl.
+
+WHEN a man discovers that a woman knows more than he does it strikes him
+dumb--but not with admiration.
+
+HEART-TO-HEART talks between platonic friends are as apt to lead to
+lip-to-lip silences that Plato never dreamed of.
+
+MAN may be the noblest work of God--in the abstract; but in a bathing
+suit--well, it takes blind love to make a girl think he looks like that.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN'S surprise at the calmness with which his wife receives the
+announcement that he has failed in business is only equaled by his
+astonishment at her hysteria when a dress comes home that doesn't fit.
+
+A GIRL always keeps a tender spot in her heart for the man she has once
+loved; but to a man nothing is so cold as cooled affection.
+
+YOU would fancy a girl were a species of ostrich from the amount of
+flattery a man feeds her before marriage and the two-edged cynicisms he
+expects her to swallow afterward.
+
+THE average woman goes from the altar into total eclipse from which she
+never emerges until she becomes a widow--since husbands never look at
+their wives and other men don't dare.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE man who is most in love is most apt to get over it, just as the man
+who drinks most champagne has the worst headache next morning.
+
+ALL this talk about trial marriages seems so superfluous--considering
+that marriage has always been a trial.
+
+A MAN'S sense of honor is so peculiar that it gets out of working
+condition the minute he comes near a pretty woman.
+
+MAN--as far as his opinions and emotions go--is the noblest work of
+woman.
+
+A KISS and its thrills are soon parted--after the honeymoon.
+
+EVERY woman is born an actress; and actresses are twice as attractive to
+men as other women because they are twice women.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A DARK brown "past" is sometimes a good insurance against a black
+future; the man who has "seen life" is not quite so likely to be looking
+for it.
+
+HAPPINESS in marriage doesn't depend half so much on whether or not a
+man keeps the Ten Commandments and goes to church as on whether or not
+he keeps a pretty stenographer and comes home to dinner.
+
+WHEN a man declares that he knows his own mind, his wife may sometimes
+wonder why he seems so proud of the acquaintance.
+
+MARRYING a widower is like inheriting an heirloom; marrying a grass
+widower is like getting second-hand goods that somebody else has been
+anxious to get rid of.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MATRIMONY is a life job with long hours, small pay, hard work, no
+holidays and no chance to "give notice" if you get tired of it.
+
+AFTER all, a wife has her uses--even if its only as a protection against
+other ladies' breach of promise suits.
+
+A PRETTY wife in a soiled kimono affects a man like a pâté de fois gras
+served on an old tin plate; it takes away his appetite--for love.
+
+IT always surprises a woman when the son who has been tied to her apron
+strings suddenly gets tangled up in some chorus girl's shoe strings.
+
+A MAN'S idea of a perfectly loyal, devoted woman is one who will deceive
+another man for his sake.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A GIRL'S idea of business is a place where she can meet some man who
+will take her out of it.
+
+IN THE "relation of the sexes" a man is so likely to regard his wife as
+the "poor relation."
+
+NO MAN refuses to give a good wife all the credit she deserves; but some
+of them are rather shy about giving her cash to the same amount.
+
+A WOMAN on her summer vacation soon discovers that a husband is not "a
+man of letters," but a man of off-hand notes and telegrams.
+
+A LOVER looks at women through rose-colored spectacles, an old bachelor
+through blue glasses, and a married man--through a microscope.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN always feels deeply injured when his wife refuses to believe the
+story that he has worked at all the way up in the cab to make sound
+interesting and perfectly plausible.
+
+IT inspires a man with real awe and admiration, after he has spent all
+day Sunday and broken half the family tools fussing over a fractious
+lock, to see his wife come along and pick it with one hand and a
+hairpin.
+
+WHENEVER a man makes up his mind to give up anything, from a woman to a
+vice, it suddenly becomes so attractive to him that he begins to take a
+new and violent interest in it.
+
+THE hard part of separating from a husband or wife for summer vacation
+is trying to look sorry about it when you say good-by at the station.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TRAIN up a son in the way he should go--and then watch him go some other
+woman's way.
+
+MAKING hay while the sun shines is very tame sport beside making love
+while the moon shines.
+
+THE dollar sign is the only sign in which the modern man appears to have
+any real faith.
+
+IT IS a mistake to propose to a girl with whom you have been mooning all
+morning on the beach until you discover whether that pang you feel is
+really heart hunger or only the other kind of hunger; the two have such
+similar effects.
+
+YOU can lead a husband to the restaurant, but you can't make him order
+champagne--unless it's another woman's husband.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+LOVE seldom follows marriage, unless marriage follows love.
+
+WHEN a man says that "circumstances" have forced him to break his
+engagement with you, it is pretty safe to conclude that "Circumstances"
+wears smarter frocks or has a more fascinating way of doing her hair.
+
+SOME bright day women will learn that it is as impossible to revive a
+man's interest in a girl whom he has ceased to love as to make him want
+stale champagne with all the fizz gone out of it.
+
+ALL the great tragedies are written about the woman who isn't married to
+some man, but ought to be; when as a matter of fact the most tragic
+figure on earth is the woman who is married to him and oughtn't to be.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE are two kinds of masculine hearts; the kind like a peach, soft and
+impressionable on the outside, but stony at the core; and the kind like
+a nut, seemingly impenetrable, but sweet and satisfying once you get
+through the shell.
+
+A MAN doesn't object to a girl who smokes cigarettes, wears three-ply
+collars and calls him "old chap" because he considers her immoral, but
+because he considers her just a bad imitation of himself.
+
+A WOMAN can do nothing wrong, as long as a man is in love with her, and
+nothing right after he ceases to be.
+
+THE only way to be happy with a man is to have such blind faith that you
+can believe him when he vows he never kissed another woman, even though
+the scent of the last girl's sachet still clings to his coat lapel.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MARRYING a woman, after you have kept her ten years waiting, is like
+buying a doll that has stood too long in the showcase.
+
+WHEN a man asks a girl for a kiss, she _has_ to refuse him, but when he
+simply takes it, she has to take it, too.
+
+NOBODY scorns a woman for marrying money or a title; what they scorn is
+the sort of thing she usually marries along with it.
+
+THE woman whom a man idealizes is the one who keeps him guessing; who
+never lets him see how the wheels go round at her toilet table nor in
+her heart and head.
+
+SOME men regard home as nothing but a "rest cure."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TAXING bachelors only encourages them; a man always values anything
+more, even freedom, when he has to pay for it.
+
+THERE is a time of the year when a man will pay thirty dollars for a
+Panama hat that makes him look like thirty cents, and thirty cents for a
+drink that makes him feel like a millionaire.
+
+THE knots in the marriage tie which rub a man the wrong way are the
+"shalt nots"; those which chafe a woman are the "ought nots."
+
+THE social swim at present appears to be a whirlpool, wherein a man gets
+soaked with either weak tea or cocktails.
+
+IN a man's opinion a kiss is an end that justifies any means.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay
+her--and usually it's the last.
+
+THE happiest wife is not always the one who marries the best man, but
+the one who makes the best of the man she marries.
+
+"WHO findeth a wife findeth a good thing," saith the Scriptures. Well,
+that's what most men are looking for nowadays.
+
+IT isn't the big vague vows he makes at the altar which a man finds it
+so difficult to keep or to get around, but the little foolish promises
+he made before he ever got there.
+
+IT IS as foolish to try to reform a man after he has lost his front hair
+as to try to tame a lion after he has gotten his second teeth.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT isn't the things a man says that proves he loves you, but the things
+he tries to say and can't--the things that choke right up in his throat
+and leave him sitting dumb and miserable on your parlor divan.
+
+PHYSICIANS say the heart is an organ; but by the way some men manage to
+grind out the same old love songs over and over again it would seem to
+be more like a street piano.
+
+ONE whiff of an onion will do more to kill love than the breaking of the
+ten commandments.
+
+ALL a man demands of a woman is a knowledge of what she ought not to do,
+what she ought not to say and what she ought not to think. All a woman
+need know in order to wear a halo in her husband's eyes is how to keep
+it on straight.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MARRIED men should make the most successful fiction writers, because it
+takes a highly developed imagination to invent a different story for
+one's wife every night.
+
+DON'T marry a man merely because he can write nice long, soul-satisfying
+letters; wait until you find out if he can write equally nice long
+satisfactory checks.
+
+ONE man's folly is often another man's wife.
+
+THE woman who makes a man perfectly happy is the one who cares just
+enough to respond when he is interested and not enough to be interested
+when he doesn't respond.
+
+MARRIAGE is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring or eating with
+chopsticks; it looks so easy until you try it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MARRIED woman is always impressionable, because she has become so used
+to a total abstinence from flattery that a compliment from a man goes to
+her head like wine to the head of the teetotaler.
+
+REFINEMENT is what makes a man turn on his heel and go off to the club
+instead of staying at home and having a good, old-fashioned row with his
+wife.
+
+THE man who keeps his sentiment bottled up and his money lying in the
+bank is so narrow that he wouldn't take a broad view of anything, even
+if he saw it on a bargain counter at half price.
+
+THE biggest, boldest man that ever lived is built like a barge, and any
+little woman who puffs up steam enough can attach him to her and tow him
+all the way up the river of life.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN is always able to restrain his jealousy as long as his wife wears
+untrimmed cotton flannel lingerie.
+
+TAKE a spoonful of violet perfume, a pound or so of lace, a dash of
+music, and serve under a summer moon--and almost any man will call it
+"love."
+
+A WIFE always feels perfectly safe in going driving with her husband,
+because she knows by sad experience that he will devote both hands and
+all his attention to the horses.
+
+A MAN whom wild horses cannot drag from the path of duty will sometimes
+get so tangled up in a pink ribbon that he will trip and fall right out
+of it.
+
+KISSES are love's assets, quarrels its liabilities.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BEAUTIES of the soul may be very fascinating, but somehow they aren't
+the kind a man looks for when he invites a girl out to dinner or for a
+spin in his automobile.
+
+AN OLD maid is an unmarried woman who has more wrinkles than money.
+There is nothing like a halo of gold dollars to keep a woman attractive
+to a green old age.
+
+THE things for which there is "the devil to pay," are the only sort
+which most men seem to consider really worth the price.
+
+AS a soul-companion, the main difference between a bulldog and a husband
+is that the dog can't talk--and the husband won't.
+
+A MAN loves a woman first tenderly, then madly, then dearly, then
+comfortably, and last dutifully.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+SOME men are born for marriage, some achieve marriage; but all of them
+live in the deadly fear that marriage is going to be thrust upon them.
+
+DISTANCE lends enchantment; but too much distance between husband and
+wife is sure to end by one or the other of them finding another
+"enchantment."
+
+IN THE mathematics of matrimony two plus a baby equals a family; two
+plus a mother-in-law equals a mob; and two plus an affinity equals--a
+divorce.
+
+IT IS something of a shock to the sweet girl graduate who has spent her
+youth in digging up the Latin roots, studying the Greek forms and
+acquiring a working knowledge of French, German and Hebrew, to discover
+that the only language her lover really appreciates is baby talk.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a man tells his wife that he is "sorry" about anything he has done
+he doesn't mean that he's sorry he did it, but that he's sorry she found
+it out.
+
+FLIRTATION is like a pink tea, harmless but not exciting; love is like a
+dinner with seven kinds of wine, satisfying and exhilarating but apt to
+leave you with an uncomfortable feeling that you ought to have stayed
+away from it.
+
+A MAN'S wife is something like his teeth, in that he seems to be aware
+of her presence only when it becomes annoying or painful.
+
+ONE advantage in being a married man is that you are not haunted by the
+harrowing suspicion that every pretty single woman you meet may have
+matrimonial designs upon you.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN'S sentiment is like cologne; he always offers you the cheap kind
+in large quantities.
+
+A FEW years with the "George Washington" type of husband, who goes about
+with a hatchet and is too honest to flatter his wife, must make her long
+for a nice, comfortable companion like Ananias.
+
+BEING clever at repartee means being able to say at the moment the
+brilliant thing which you usually don't think of until ten minutes
+later.
+
+ANALYZING your love for a woman is like dissecting a flower; by the time
+you have picked it to pieces and found out what it is composed of, its
+perfume and beauty are all gone. Sentimental botanists get about as much
+satisfaction out of life as dietetics out of a good dinner.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A SUMMER resort is a place where a man will resort to anything from
+croquet to cocktails for amusement and where a girl will resort to
+anything from a half-grown boy to an aged paralytic for an escort.
+
+WHEN a man becomes a confirmed old bachelor it is not because he has
+never met the one woman he could live with, but because he has never met
+the one woman he couldn't live without.
+
+MANY a man who promises before marriage to lift every care off a girl's
+shoulders won't even begin by lifting the ice off the dumb-waiter after
+marriage.
+
+ONE comfort in being a woman is that you have the right to cry; when a
+man sheds tears the poor thing always looks and feels as if he had been
+guilty of an immodest exposure of the soul.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DON'T fancy a man is serious merely because he treats you to French
+dinners and talks sentiment; wait until he begins to take you to cheap
+tables d'hôte and talks economy.
+
+A MAN likes a wife who appeals to his lighter side, but the average man
+has so many lighter sides that no one woman could appeal to them all;
+and even if she could there is always his darker side and a peroxide
+blonde waiting around to appeal to it.
+
+A WOMAN'S idea in marrying a man is that she may save his soul; his idea
+in marrying her is that she may save his socks and his digestion.
+
+PEOPLE who marry "for a joke" certainly must be blessed with an awfully
+keen sense of humor.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE girl whose hair is a little too gold, whose chin is a little too
+pink and whose laugh is a little too gay, apparently doesn't realize
+that even a siren couldn't attract a man if she sang too loud.
+
+THE "measure of a man" can usually be taken in half an hour's
+acquaintance, but the true measure of a woman is something that is known
+only to her husband and her dressmaker.
+
+"THE worst of certainty is better than the best of doubt," says the
+proverb; but when it comes to man's love for a woman the worst of
+uncertainty is better for it than the best of security.
+
+A MAN'S past is written on a slate which can be washed clean at will,
+but a woman's is written in indelible ink in Mrs. Grundy's reference
+book.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MANY a woman who cannot be bought with any amount of gold can be won
+with just a little amount of brass.
+
+IF MEN were absolutely certain that angels wear the sort of Mother
+Hubbard draperies in which they are usually painted instead of French
+corsets and sheath skirts, not one of them would bother about trying to
+get to heaven.
+
+THE poet who sang of "woman's infinite variety" must at some time have
+been the only young man at a summer hotel.
+
+THE man who lets the tailor pad his shoulders is very contemptuous of
+the woman who lets the dressmaker pad her skirts.
+
+NOWADAYS love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and
+divorce a matter of course.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+SOME men are so material that a beautiful sunset would remind them of
+nothing but Neapolitan ice cream, and a flock of sheep on a green
+hillside would suggest nothing more inspiring than lamb with mint sauce.
+
+IN ancient times one drink of Lethe water made a man lose his memory and
+forget even his name. Oh, well, one drink will do that nowadays--but it
+isn't Lethe and it isn't water.
+
+"JOY cometh in the morning"--but more often to the widow in second
+mourning.
+
+EVERYBODY has adopted modern improvements and new methods nowadays
+except the stork, and he goes right along carrying on business in the
+same old way. No wonder he has lost so much of his fashionable trade to
+the up-to-date dog fancier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A PRETTY girl in a peek-a-boo waist and a Merry Widow hat on her way
+downtown can sometimes create more excitement in the business district
+than a Wall Street panic or a fire.
+
+BEFORE marriage it fills a man with tenderness to have a girl slip her
+hand confidingly into his coat pocket; but after marriage somehow it
+fills him only with distrust.
+
+IT is one of the mockeries of matrimony that the moment two people begin
+to be awfully courteous to one another round the house it is a sign they
+are awfully mad.
+
+A MAN'S idea of being perfectly noble and honest with a woman is to be
+able to make her think he loves her without indulging in any
+incriminating statements to that effect.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MOST women appear to think that "'tis better to have been loved and
+bossed" than never to have been married at all.
+
+DISAGREEABLE habits, like disagreeable husbands and wives, are so much
+easier to acquire than the other kind and so much harder to get rid of.
+
+A WIFE'S indignation at the women who flirt with her husband is often
+tempered by her pity and astonishment that they should be so hard up as
+to waste time on a man like him.
+
+THE average husband has an idea that economy should begin at home--and
+end at the corner café.
+
+MANY a wife would be glad to exchange places with her cook on that
+lady's salary days and her evenings off.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN'S idea of showing real consideration for his wife is to make sure
+that she won't find out what he is doing before he does anything that
+she would disapprove of.
+
+THE first child makes a man proud, the second makes him happy, the third
+makes him hustle, and the fourth makes him desperate.
+
+WHEN a man declares that making love to a particular woman "wouldn't be
+right," he really means that it wouldn't be safe; but he is too polite
+to say that.
+
+IN tragic moments we think of trifles; no doubt a girl who is being run
+down by an automobile stops to thank heaven that there are no holes in
+her stockings and a man that there are no incriminating letters in his
+pockets.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MONTH of poker parties and summer girls can make a married man as
+anxious to get his wife back home again as a diet of champagne and ice
+cream would make him for a square meal of roast beef and baked potatoes.
+
+BETWEEN lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing.
+
+CALL a woman weak-minded and a man will wonder if you aren't jealous of
+her; but call her strong-minded and he will take your word without
+stopping to investigate.
+
+THE wife who insists on being useful instead of concentrating on being
+beautiful and amusing will soon find herself relegated to the shelf like
+a medicine bottle, instead of being kept near at hand like a wine
+bottle.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THAT sad, patient smile one sees on the face of a married woman may not
+come so much from heart-hunger as from a daily effort to listen to her
+husband's latest joke at the same time that she pacifies the cook,
+soothes the baby and looks for his lost collar button.
+
+HOPE springs eternal in the feminine breast as long as a woman has
+ambition enough to continue to curl her hair, and in the masculine
+breast as long as a man has self-respect enough to keep on shaving his
+chin.
+
+THE things a man wants in a sweetheart are no more like those he wants
+in a wife than the things he wants for breakfast are like those he wants
+for dinner; yet he never seems to despair of warming over the light menu
+and making it do for a regular diet.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHY is a woman always so jealous of her husband's stenographer when his
+real affinity is just as likely to be somebody else's stenographer?
+
+IT IS not a man's morals but the manners that make him comfortable or
+otherwise to live with. A burglar or an embezzler can make his wife
+fairly happy if he will be prompt to dinner, agreeable at breakfast and
+will put up the portieres with a pleasant smile.
+
+NOTHING makes a woman so green with envy and mortification as her
+husband's ability to turn over and snore five minutes after they have
+had an exciting quarrel.
+
+OLD love, like old lamps, is apt to burn low and fitfully; it takes a
+new heart interest now and then to keep up the glow of life.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE balance of power in the family usually goes to the husband or wife
+who has the largest balance in the bank.
+
+AMONG a man's sweethearts the first shall never be last, and the last
+can always be sure that she isn't the first.
+
+THE larger a man's girth the more expensive his flirtations; nothing but
+orchids and grand opera tickets can make a girl forget real embonpoint
+long enough to be sentimental.
+
+MEN don't talk about one another as women do--perhaps because they find
+it so much more interesting to talk about themselves.
+
+A FRANK husband and a kodak fiend teach a woman that truth is indeed
+stranger and more terrible than fiction.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ONE touch of highball makes the whole world spin.
+
+A MAN'S sense of honor is so peculiar that it gets out of working
+condition the minute he comes near a pretty woman.
+
+THE man who kisses a woman at the first opportunity is either a fool or
+a cad; the man who waits for the second opportunity is a philosopher;
+the man who waits for the third opportunity is a speculator; and the man
+who waits any longer is--a freak.
+
+THE girl who has entertained her fiancé every evening for a three years'
+engagement may console herself with the hope that she won't be liable to
+see so much of him after marriage.
+
+'TIS best for a man to be square, but a woman is more lucky to be round.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a man has waked up the whole family and half the neighborhood
+flinging empty beer bottles at a cat on the back fence he feels so
+refreshed that he can go right back to sleep and snore straight through
+a fire or a thunderstorm.
+
+IN the face of a man's childlike vanity it is so difficult for a girl to
+decide to be ready when he arrives and thereby look as though she had
+been waiting for him, or to keep him waiting and look as though she had
+been primping for him.
+
+A MAN will tell his troubles first to his God, next to his lawyer, then
+to his valet, and lastly--to his wife.
+
+A LITTLE "absent treatment" now and then is the best tonic for conjugal
+love; an ounce of summer vacation is worth a pound of divorce.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT may cause a man sincere regret to get into a foolish flirtation, but
+the only thing that causes him real downright repentance is not to be
+able to get out of it.
+
+TO fascinate an intelligent man pretend to be silly; to attract a good
+man pretend to be naughty; to win a fool pretend to be clever; and to
+charm the devil pretend to be a saint.
+
+A GIRL loves to spell her soul out on paper, but a man can't see the use
+of writing a love-letter when he can compress his whole passion into one
+paragraph on a post card.
+
+IT is a sad fact that two people who go into matrimony with the noble
+idea of sharing one another's joys and ambitions so often end by sharing
+nothing but one another's towels and brushes and grouches.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MODERN love affair is something like English plum pudding: it contains
+very little spice and sweetness and is mostly a matter of "dough."
+
+A FLIRT and his conscience are soon parted.
+
+A MAN'S idea of constancy is being perfectly devoted to some woman who
+is either dead or too indifferent to demand anything of him.
+
+THE whole art of winning at either cards or love consists in keeping a
+level head and not taking the game seriously; but, alas--when a man is
+playing for money and a woman for matrimony they are bound to take it
+seriously.
+
+WHEN mothers-in-law come in at the door love flies out at the window.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A CLEVER woman can sometimes make a fool of a man, but it takes a fluffy
+little thing with a baby face and no brains or morals to speak of to
+make him make a fool of himself.
+
+FAINT praise ne'er won fair lady.
+
+GOING through life without love is like going through a good dinner
+without an appetite--everything seems so flat and tasteless.
+
+IT is most provoking to a woman who is winning in a quarrel to have a
+man suddenly turn round and take the argument right out of her
+mouth--with a kiss.
+
+WHERE do all of the lost hearts go? Well, most of the masculine ones go
+"down where the Wurzburger flows."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE hardest problem of a girl's life is to find out why a man seems
+bored if she doesn't respond to him and frightened if she does.
+
+MENTAL science never cured a man of love-sickness, because in the
+average man's love mentality plays so small a part.
+
+A MARRIED woman has an awfully small chance of learning anything about
+her husband's English vocabulary, for the simple reason that he never
+addresses her except in baby talk or swear words.
+
+A $30-A-WEEK clerk always feels it incumbent to take a girl to the
+theatre in a taxicab. It requires a bona-fide millionaire to drag her
+about in a five-cent street car with perfect éclat and no apologies.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHETHER a girl looks indignant or happy after you have kissed her
+depends a great deal on how long she has been waiting for you to get up
+the courage to do it.
+
+TURNED-DOWN lovers tell no tales.
+
+WHEN a woman says "There are no secrets between my husband and me," it
+is a sure sign that she hasn't found out any of his.
+
+THERE are dozens of systems for winning at roulette, but the only system
+for winning at love is systematic flattery.
+
+LOVE in a cottage doesn't seem so appalling when you come to consider
+that there is such a thing as matrimony in a modern flat.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NO MAN is a really artistic lover who hasn't enough dramatic instinct to
+forget all other women while he is making love to one.
+
+IF it weren't for the tiresome wedding journey and the monotonous
+honeymoon, bridal couples could begin being happy right away.
+
+EVEN though the dulcet iciness in her voice ought to be more effective
+than a shriek of warning, a man will go right on telling his stout,
+blonde wife that she ought to dress like the slim brunette next door.
+
+THERE is something about a wife's tears that washes all the color and
+starch out of a man's love.
+
+WHEN married people can't come to terms marriage should come to a
+termination.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE longest way round matrimony is the shortest way to happiness.
+
+THE reason a man is so often tempted is because most of the time that is
+what he is sitting around waiting for.
+
+FROM the stony silence into which the average husband sinks after the
+honeymoon there must be something almost unspeakable about matrimony.
+
+A WOMAN looks upon her first kiss as a consecration; a man regards it as
+a desecration.
+
+TIME and tide wait for no man, but the untied woman has to wait for any
+man who chooses to keep her waiting.
+
+IN fashionable circles one wife and a dog constitute a "family."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT MAY be very noble of a man to have no secrets from the woman he
+loves, but it's rather hard on all the other women he has gotten over
+loving.
+
+A MAN who can marry the right girl and won't marry her somehow always
+ends by being made to marry the wrong one.
+
+MANY a good husband hasn't the nerve or the courage to be anything else.
+
+WIDOWS have all the honors without any of the trials of matrimony; a
+live husband is sometimes a necessity, but a dead one is a real luxury.
+
+MANY a man's idea of a wife is something decorative to be kept around
+the house and only taken out on show occasions like the jewels in his
+safe and the horses in his racing stable.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IN olden times sacrifices were made at the altar--a custom which is
+still continued.
+
+OF course every woman knows that the man she loves is a "brute"--but
+unfortunately that is one of the reasons why she loves him.
+
+THE kind of woman who holds a man's devotion forever is like a silky,
+self-satisfied Angora cat who takes her petting as a matter of course,
+never returns it, and never gets on his nerve by asking for more.
+
+IT isn't so much a man's sins and failings, but the air of conscious
+pride with which he accepts her comments on them that a woman can't
+forgive.
+
+THAT will be a great novel in which the author can make the man who owns
+the machine as fascinating as the chauffeur.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+EVERY man honestly believes that franchise in the hands of a woman is
+like a loaded gun in the hands of a small boy--utterly useless and sure
+to do damage to somebody.
+
+WAD some power the giftie gie us to see ourselves as men's mothers see
+us--but it wouldn't make us happy.
+
+ONE reason why a dainty little thing like a woman wastes her love on
+man-creature with a rough chin, stubbly hair and a smell of tobacco
+about his clothes is that he is the only thing in that line.
+
+A MAN will forgive a woman for almost any indiscretion sooner than for
+leaving her hair in the comb and for breaking the Ten Commandments
+sooner than for leaving her hot curling tongs where his fingers can get
+on them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE man who tries to mix his women friends has about the same
+unfortunate results as the man who tries to mix his drinks.
+
+'TIS better to have kissed and paid the cost than never to have kissed
+at all.
+
+THE word "court," whether it refers to the way her husband won her or
+the place where he lost her, always has a pleasant sound to a grass
+widow.
+
+IF a woman could veil her thoughts and feelings as effectively as she
+veils her face she would be so fascinating that no man could resist her.
+
+WHEN it comes to love-making men are so unoriginal, that a sage, a fool
+and a "lovers' letter-writer" all sound exactly alike.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HUSBANDS are like Christmas gifts: you can't choose them; you've just
+got to sit down and wait until they arrive and then appear perfectly
+delighted with what you get.
+
+THE only way to be happy with a husband is to learn to be happy without
+him most of the time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Book title was added to top of text so that it did not begin only with
+the quotes printed on the inside covers.
+
+Page 97, "marying" changed to "marrying" (idea in marrying a)
+
+Page 98, opening quotation mark added ("THE worst of certainty)
+
+Page 115, "blond" changed to "blonde" (blonde wife that she)
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, by Helen Rowland
+
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+    .blockquot2{margin-left: 28%; margin-right: 15%; text-align: justify;}
+    .blockquot3{margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 25%; text-align: justify;}
+
+     .center   {text-align: center;}
+    .smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
+    .figcenter   {margin: auto; text-align: center;}
+    .cap:first-letter {float: left; clear: left; margin: -0.2em 0.1em  0; margin-top: 0%;
+        padding: 0;  line-height: .75em; font-size: 300%; text-align: justify;}
+   .cap {text-align: justify; margin-top: .75em;
+       text-align: justify;
+       margin-bottom: .75em;
+       }
+
+    </style>
+  </head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+Project Gutenberg's Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, by Helen Rowland
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Reflections of a Bachelor Girl
+
+Author: Helen Rowland
+
+Illustrator: Henry S. Eddy
+
+Release Date: March 19, 2010 [EBook #31700]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Emmy and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+<h1>REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL</h1>
+
+<div class='center'> <table class="insidecover" summary="insidecover">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<div class='blockquot3'><div class='cap'>THE average man
+looks on matrimony
+as a hitching
+post where he can tie
+a woman and leave
+her until he comes
+home nights.</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+
+<div class='center'> <table class="insidecover" summary="insidecover">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<div class='blockquot3'><div class='cap'>STRANGE, how
+joyfully a man
+will pay a lawyer five
+hundred dollars for
+untying the knot that
+he begrudged paying
+a clergyman fifty dollars
+for tying.</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h1>REFLECTIONS <i>of</i> A<br />
+BACHELOR GIRL</h1>
+
+<h3><i>By</i><br />
+<span class="smcap">Helen Rowland</span></h3>
+
+<div class='center'><i>Decorated by</i><br />
+HENRY S. EDDY<br />
+<br />
+"Just once more" is the
+Devil's best argument.</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 32px;">
+<img src="images/emblem.png" width="32" height="51" alt="Emblem" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class='center'><br /><br />
+NEW YORK<br />
+DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY<br />
+220 East 23d Street<br />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 330px;">
+<img src="images/p004b.jpg" width="330" height="100" alt="men proposing" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<div class='copyright'>
+Copyright, 1909, by<br />
+DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY<br />
+<br />
+[Reflections of a Bachelor Girl]<br />
+</div>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<div class='cap'>A MAN buttons a woman's dress
+up the back with almost the
+same grace and alacrity that a
+woman displays in climbing a
+barbed wire fence.</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 226px;">
+<img src="images/p006.jpg" width="226" height="202" alt="Cupid on a key" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'> <table class="waitingmuff" summary="waitingmuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+<h2>REFLECTIONS OF A<br />
+BACHELOR GIRL</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>"JUST once more" is the Devil's best argument.<br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='cap'>VARIETY is the spice of love.<br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE only people who believe in a personal
+devil, nowadays, are the ones who are
+married to that kind.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE girl who marries for money is bought;
+but the girl who marries for love is sold.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WISE lover, like a good cook, is one who
+knows when the fire is out.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ALIMONY is the price of peace.<br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN marriage, the love-light so often goes out
+as soon as the gas bills begin to come in.</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="golftrophy" summary="golftrophy">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+<div class='cap'>THE only way to be happy with a husband
+is to learn to be happy without him most
+of the time.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE is just the shine on the jewel of
+matrimony; but, after all, the shine on a
+jewel is the whole thing.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN firmly believes that, if he can only
+keep his wife in the straight and narrow
+path, he can go out and zig-zag all over the
+downward one without falling from grace.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A GIRL is never so surprised when a man
+proposes to her as he is.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE doesn't really "make the world go
+'round," it only makes us so dizzy that
+everything seems to be going round.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ENNUI is "that tired feeling" that a girl
+has when the right man doesn't show up
+and the wrong one does.</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancecard" summary="dancecard">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+<div class='cap'>STRANGE, how joyfully a man will pay a
+lawyer five hundred dollars for untying
+the knot that he begrudged paying a clergyman
+fifty dollars for tying.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a girl marries, she exchanges the
+attentions of all the other men of her
+acquaintance for the inattention of just
+one.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT gives a girl silver threads among the gold
+to marry her ardent admirer and find out
+afterward that she has tied herself to a
+life-critic.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>AS FAR as men are concerned, a woman's
+reputation for brains is worse than no
+reputation at all.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ALAS, if husbands were only like sewing
+machines, and we could have them sent
+up on trial!</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cards" summary="cards">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+<div class='cap'>KISSING a girl, without first telling her
+that you love her, is as small and mean as
+letting a salesman take you for a free ride
+in an automobile when you have no intention
+of buying it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>DIVORCE is the "Great Divide," over
+which many men think they will pass into
+Heaven.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN can never be made to understand
+why a woman will pay fifty dollars for
+a hat containing ten dollars worth of material
+and forty dollars worth of style.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>YOUTH will be youth; a young man chases
+temptation, folly, and chorus girls as naturally
+as a kitten chases its tail.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>FLINGING yourself at a man's head is like
+flinging a bone at a cat; it doesn't fascinate
+him, it frightens him.</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'> <table class="painting" summary="painting">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br />
+<div class='cap'>MEN say they admire a woman with high
+ideals and principles; but it's the kind
+with high heels and dimples that a wife
+hesitates to introduce to her husband.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MARRIAGE is the black coffee that a man
+takes to settle him after the love-feast.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE is the feeling that makes a man turn
+on the hot water when he meant to light
+the gas, go hunting for a collar when what
+he wanted was a pair of socks, shave every
+day, and forget whether or not he has had
+any lunch.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>HAPPINESS is at high-tide at the full of
+the honeymoon.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>SOMEHOW, a man who has been thrown
+over always lands on his knees to another
+girl.</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="carracing" summary="carracing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A CONFIRMED bachelor girl is one who
+hasn't married&mdash;yet.<br /></div>
+
+<div class='cap'>TOO many "flames" dry up the well-spring
+of love.<br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT IS difficult for an old horse to learn new
+tricks&mdash;but an old <i>man</i> hasn't sense enough
+not to try.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE tenderest spot in a man's make-up is
+sometimes the bald spot on top of his
+head.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NEVER worry for fear you have broken a
+man's heart; at the worst it is only
+sprained and a week's rest will put it in
+perfect working condition again.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A RICH girl need not bother to cultivate
+the art of conversation in order to be fascinating.
+Her money will do the talking.</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="sailing" summary="sailing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+<div class='cap'>NOTHING can exceed the grace and tenderness
+with which men make love&mdash;in
+novels&mdash;, except the off-hand commonplaceness
+with which they do it in real life.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ABOUT the only sign of personal individuality
+that the average woman is allowed
+to retain after she marries is her toothbrush.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE are just three brands of masculine
+affection: platonic, which is love without
+kisses; plutonic, which is kisses without
+love, and kisses WITH love&mdash;which is almost
+extinct.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>OF course women should marry; no home
+is complete without a husband any more
+than it is without a cuckoo clock or a cat.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>"HOME" is any four walls that enclose the
+right person.</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="valentine" summary="valentine">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+<div class='cap'>NO MAN can understand why a woman
+shouldn't prefer a good reputation to a
+good time.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE original fox was a man and the original
+grapes were the girls he couldn't kiss.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S desire for a son is usually nothing
+but the wish to duplicate himself in order
+that such a remarkable pattern may
+not be lost to the world.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT isn't the girls whom he has loved and lost
+that a man sighs for; it's those whom he
+has loved and never won.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LAZY men fancy that the wheel of life is a
+roulette wheel, on which fortunes are won
+only by chance.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>EVERY time a woman gives a man a piece
+of her mind she loses a piece of his heart.</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="twohearts" summary="twohearts">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man spends his time giving his
+wife criticism and advice instead of
+compliments, he forgets that it was not his
+good judgment, but his charming manners,
+that won her heart.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN never marries when he ought to; he
+waits until some woman comes along
+and gets him so tangled up that he has to.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE shortest way to Heaven or to Hell is
+via the Love Route, Limited.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT MAY be bad form for a man to pay his
+wife compliments and call her pet-names in
+the presence of other women, but it's awfully
+good policy.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MANY a foolish runaway match has been
+prevented by the fact that a girl didn't
+have on her best silk stockings at the critical
+moment.</div></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="holdingphotos" summary="holdingphotos">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+<div class='cap'>REMORSE is the feeling a man has when
+the bottle is empty or he has tired of the
+girl.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>HUSBANDS are like Christmas gifts: you
+can't choose them; you've just got to sit
+down and wait until they arrive and then
+appear perfectly delighted with what you
+get.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE beauty of variety in love or wine is
+that the moment a man discovers a new
+brand or a new girl, he forgets all about
+the others and honestly believes that he is
+tasting the real thing for the first time.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MATRIMONY should not be a prison but
+a privilege, and husbands and wives
+should not be jailors but jolliers.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THAT lump which a man feels in his throat
+when he is about to propose is the "don't"
+lump.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="powderpuff" summary="powderpuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN may read everything that ever was
+written about women and yet not know
+enough to avoid asking his wife a question
+when her mouth is full of pins.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE oftener a man falls in love, the more
+easily and gracefully he does it; exercise
+seems to keep the heart in good working
+condition.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT IS always a surprise to a woman when her
+husband sues for $200,000 for the alienation
+of her affections, which he never seemed
+to consider worth two cents.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MATRIMONY is a revolving door, round
+which husband and wife follow one another
+without ever meeting on the same
+side of any question.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MARRYING an old bachelor is like buying
+second-hand furniture.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancinggirl" summary="dancinggirl">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE always must end sooner or later&mdash;usually
+sooner than the girl expected and
+later than the man intended.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE woman who insists on playing Solitaire
+in conversation is likely to end by
+playing Old Maid.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>FROM the number of virtues and accomplishments
+that a man expects to find in
+one wife, you'd fancy he was marrying a
+harem.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>DON'T worry for fear you may freeze a
+man's love out; the colder the wind you
+blow upon it, the higher you fan the
+flames.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE saddest thing about married life is the
+opportunity it gives two otherwise agreeable
+people for telling one another the disagreeable
+truth.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="ridingcrop" summary="ridingcrop">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE never was a man big and strong
+enough to get out his clean shirt and collar
+and fix the water for his bath.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S when the game becomes a trifle stale
+that a man begins to feel conscientious
+qualms about flirting with a woman.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE woman who pins her faith to a man
+won't find a safety-pin strong enough to
+stand the strain.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN love, the best way to erase one face from
+the tablet of memory is to draw another
+across it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S ideal woman is the one he
+couldn't get.<br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN may feel like a brute at taking a
+kiss from a nice girl&mdash;but it isn't until
+after he's gotten the kiss.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cookingfondue" summary="cookingfondue">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHY should matrimony interfere with
+pleasure in this day of self-rocking
+cradles, self-cooking ranges&mdash;and self-supporting
+wives?</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MOST men write a love-letter as cautiously
+as though they were writing for publication,
+or fame, or posterity.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE man who breaks his social engagements
+with you before marriage, will break
+everything from his word to your heart,
+afterward.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>PLATONIC friendship is a ship that starts
+for Nowhere and nearly always ends by
+being wrecked in the port of Love.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>TO a man, marriage means giving up four
+out of five of the chiffonier drawers; to a
+woman, giving up four out of five of her
+opinions.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cats" summary="cats">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S conscience is like his head; it
+never bothers him until "the morning
+after."</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S shoulders are not always as broad
+as they're padded.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MEN say they hate anything loud about a
+woman; it must be disgust that makes
+them always turn around to stare after a
+peroxide blonde.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE saddest sight on earth is an old bachelor
+trying to sew on a button with a blunt
+needle and a piece of string.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE are some men who, before marriage,
+will risk their lives to pick up your
+parasol from in front of a whizzing automobile
+who wouldn't get off the sofa after
+marriage to pick up anything you might
+drop, from a hint, to a baby.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cupidkey" summary="cupidkey">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A HUSBAND gets so used to his wife's
+conversation that after a while it doesn't
+interrupt his reading of the newspaper any
+more than the plunking in the steam pipes.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>OF course men admire a circumspect
+woman above all things, but they seldom
+invite her out to supper.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NOTHING bores a man worse than the devotion
+of the girl before the last.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S rather sad to see how easily a man gets
+"that tired feeling" after a love affair has
+become a bit stale.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN may send you a gold-handled umbrella
+with your monogram on it in diamonds
+and mean nothing but good-fellowship,
+but if he offers to put it up and carry
+it over you for fear the mist will spoil your
+feathers you may be sure he's in love.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="waitingmuff" summary="waitingmuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE letters lead to all sorts of complications,
+but post cards tell no tales.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ASKING a girl if you may kiss her before
+doing it is an insulting way of laying all
+the responsibility on her.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MARRIED man thinks that if he concedes
+to smooth his top hair and carry a
+cane he is sufficiently dressy to go out anywhere
+with his wife.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>BRIDEGROOMS have that sheepish look
+because every one of them is morally certain
+that he is a lamb being led to the
+slaughter.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WIFE sort of loses her awe and admiration
+for men after she has seen her husband
+without a collar and with his face
+covered with shaving lather and his top
+hair sticking up in tufts.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="golftrophy" summary="golftrophy">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN seldom discovers that he hasn't
+married his affinity until his wife begins
+to get crow's-feet around the eyes.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF YOU want to be really popular pat a bald
+man on the head; call an old man "naughty
+boy"; treat a young man with timid respect;
+cling to a little man like the vine to
+the mighty oak, and tell a fat man how
+you love to dance with him.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE man who declares a friend innocent
+even when he knows he is guilty, and defends
+a woman's reputation even when it
+is scarcely worth defending, is not written
+down a liar by the recording angel.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ODD how a man always gets remorse confused
+with reform; a cold bath, a dose of
+bromo-selzer, and his wife's forgiveness
+will make him feel so moral that he will
+begin to patronize you.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancecard" summary="dancecard">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S as hard to get a man to stay home after
+you've married him as it was to get him to
+go home before you married him.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN hates emotions; when a girl pours
+her heart out to him he feels as if she
+has emptied the warm water jug or the
+molasses cruet over him.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WOMAN will lie to anybody else on
+earth sooner than to the man she loves;
+but a man will lie to the woman he loves
+sooner than to anybody else on earth.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MATRIMONY is a bargain&mdash;and somebody
+has got to get the worst of the bargain.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE most uncomfortable thing about being
+married is that you can never tell whether
+your friends are envying you or pitying
+you.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cards" summary="cards">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>ALL a man asks for in the love-game is beginner's
+luck.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>POKER and love are both games of bluff.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN has so many more temptations than
+a woman&mdash;because he knows where to
+go and find them.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN will sit on the edge of the bed, holding
+one shoe in his hand and gazing into
+space for half an hour, and then send the
+cook into hysterics and the waitress into
+nervous prostration because he has only
+ten minutes left in which to eat his breakfast.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MOST bridal couples pile enough honey into
+the first month of matrimony to last a
+whole lifetime if thinned out and spread on
+economically.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="painting" summary="painting">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>WONDER if Adam ever scolded Eve for
+her extravagance in fig leaves.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A BABY'S kisses taste of stale milk, a boy's
+of jam, a young man's of cigarettes and
+a husband's of cocktails.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>OF course people can't carry their party
+manners into marriage; but if they could,
+marriage would be more like a party and
+less like a prize fight.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>SOME marriages of convenience turn out to
+be about the most inconvenient things that
+could possibly have happened.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN perfect frankness comes in at the
+door love flies out of the window.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MIGHT as well hail a Broadway car on the
+wrong side of the street as to<br />hail a man
+on the wrong side<br />of his vanity.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="carracing" summary="carracing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>DIVORCE is getting to be as painless as
+dentistry. Two people pack each other's
+trunks, genially shake hands farewell, wish
+each other luck, and then go off to Europe
+while the lawyers fight it out.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN forgets all about how to make love
+after ten years of matrimony; but it's
+wonderful how quickly he can get into
+practice again after his wife dies.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>DON'T flatter yourself because he calls
+every Sunday evening that it is a sign
+that he's getting serious. It may only be a
+sign that everything else is closed.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NO doubt when a man puts his cheek
+against a girl's he always imagines that it
+feels as smooth as hers does.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>GETTING married is so easy that most
+men are suspicious of it.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="sailing" summary="sailing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MOTHER-IN-LAW may be the serpent
+in the Garden of Eden; but if it hadn't
+been for the serpent whom would Adam
+have had to blame for all his troubles?</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN two people marry they "lock their
+hearts together and throw away the
+key;" then they begin looking around for
+some old legal nail to pick the lock with.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LUCK in love consists in getting not the
+person you want, but the person who
+wants you. If you don't believe it try being
+married to somebody who is not in
+love with you.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S idea of an engagement is a
+chance to find out whether or not he
+really enjoys kissing that particular girl.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S not his understanding of the plot of the
+opera that makes a man appreciate it, but
+the "understanding" of the chorus ladies.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="valentine" summary="valentine">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN thinks that by marrying a woman
+he proves he loves her, and that therefore
+nothing more need ever be said about
+it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE average man looks on matrimony as a
+hitching post where he can tie a woman
+and leave her until he comes home nights.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE is nothing so uninteresting to a
+a man as a contentedly married woman.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S sweethearts are like his cigars;
+he has many of each of them, loves each
+one as tenderly as the preceding, and appreciates
+each according to its expensiveness.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A HUSBAND can always find fault with
+his wife, but, then, even archangels could
+pick flaws in one another if they had to
+drink coffee at the same table every morning.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="twohearts" summary="twohearts">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>MATRIMONY is, like the weather, mighty
+uncertain, and the happiest people are
+those who are neither looking for storms
+nor banking on sunshine, but are just willing
+to go along sensibly and take what
+comes.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT MAY mean nothing, but it's very mortifying
+to a woman when she takes her husband's
+dog for a walk and he tries to go
+into every corner saloon.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S easier to hide your light under a bushel
+than to keep your shady side dark.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>FUNNY how a married man who is trying
+to flirt with you always begins by telling
+you what a trying disposition his wife has.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S harder to get around a husband without
+flattery than to get around Cape Horn without
+a compass.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="holdingphotos" summary="holdingphotos">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN marries a girl for what she is, and
+then invariably tries to make her over
+into something else which he thinks she
+ought to be.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN an ordinary man does not smoke,
+drink, nor swear, be careful to find out
+what worse folly it is that he is addicted
+to.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN gets his sentiment for a woman so
+mixed up with the brand of perfume she
+uses that half the time he doesn't know
+which is which.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>HUSBANDS are like the pictures in the
+anti-fat advertisements&mdash;so different before
+and after taking.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE are moments when the meanest of
+women may feel a sisterly sympathy for
+her husband's first wife.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="powderpuff" summary="powderpuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WOMAN may have a great deal of difficulty
+getting married the first time, but
+after that it's easy, because where one man
+leads the others will follow like a flock of
+sheep.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE are so many ways of punishing a
+refractory wife that the husband who cannot
+find one is either a timid, mawkish
+creature or&mdash;a gentleman.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a lawyer is slow about getting a
+pretty woman her divorce it is because
+he wants a chance to make love to her before
+she is in a position to start a breach
+of promise suit.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>SOME men feel that the only thing they owe
+the woman who marries them is a grudge.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>BLUE BEARD isn't the only bridegroom
+who ever went to the altar with a closet
+full of dead loves on his conscience.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancinggirl" summary="dancinggirl">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT isn't what a man can see through the holes
+in a peek-a-boo waist that makes the garment
+attractive, but what he tries to see
+and can't.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN who would turn up his nose at an
+overdone chop or an overdone biscuit
+will swallow an overdone compliment with
+the keenest relish.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>TOBACCO and love and olives are all acquired
+tastes; your first smoke makes you
+sick, your first olive tastes bitter, and your
+first love affair makes you unhappy.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MOST men fancy that being married to a
+woman means merely seeing her in the
+mornings instead of in the evenings.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A REFORMED rake is like a made-over
+hat or made-over tea&mdash;he has lost his
+style and his flavor.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="ridingcrop" summary="ridingcrop">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN is always advising his wife to wear
+common-sense shoes, but that isn't the
+kind he turns around in the street to stare
+after.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT isn't the man who is willing to stay up late
+to talk to you, but the one who is willing to
+get up early to work for you, that you
+ought to waste your powder on.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a woman is pretty and married an
+optimistic man can always console himself
+with the thought that perhaps she is
+unhappy because her husband doesn't appreciate
+her.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MEN used to marry good cooks and flirt
+with chorus girls; now they marry
+chorus girls and hire good cooks.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S an ill wind that teaches a man the value
+of hatpins.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cookingfondue" summary="cookingfondue">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF WE could all pay the price of matrimony
+in a lump sum it wouldn't be so bad; but
+paying it in daily instalments is what
+wearies us.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MARRIED man soon learns enough not
+to let the barber put lilac water on his
+hair; it's wonderful how sharp they get
+about exciting suspicion.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE always comes to a man as a surprise;
+he feels like a person who has been hit in
+the dark, and his one thought is for a
+means of escape.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF THE average husband were half as attentive,
+solicitous and devoted as his coachman,
+there would be fewer scandals of the
+drawing-room-stable variety.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>FLIRTING is the gentle art of making a
+man feel pleased with himself.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cats" summary="cats">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>SOME men are such bunglers at love-making
+that they cannot make a sentimental
+remark without tripping over it, or take
+your hand or a kiss without making you
+feel as though they had taken your pocketbook.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE average man's ideas of what a woman
+ought to be are as old-fashioned and set as
+two china vases on a parlor mantel.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT takes a mighty dishonorable man not to
+lie to a woman about where he saw her husband
+the night before.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NEAR-LOVE-MAKING is the scientific
+masculine method of saying a great deal
+and promising nothing.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S so hard to reform a man when he hasn't
+any great fault but just a little of all of
+them.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cupidkey" summary="cupidkey">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN who devotes his youth to ambition
+and cuts out love, finds out that he has
+been eating the bread of life without any
+jam on it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S so easy for a man to get engaged that he
+is always disagreeably surprised when he
+finds out how difficult it is to get disengaged.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN buttons a woman's dress up the
+back with almost the same grace and
+alacrity that a woman displays in climbing
+a barbed wire fence.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT isn't Cupid, but cupidity, that is to blame
+for those unhappy international marriages.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN is absolutely certain that a woman
+is perfectly proper when she refuses to
+kiss him because in his simple, childlike
+vanity he can't think of any other reason
+why she shouldn't want to.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="waitingmuff" summary="waitingmuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>GIVE me a man with a dark brown past&mdash;one
+who has tasted the spice in life's pudding,
+and won't begin to long for it the
+moment he has been put on the matrimonial
+diet of bread and milk.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE man who fancies himself completely
+understood is as unhappy as the woman
+who thinks she is misunderstood.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF St. Peter is really an old man, no girl over
+seventeen need apply for admission to
+Heaven.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A KISS may be anything from an insult to
+a benediction; and yet a man never can
+understand why a girl is indignant sometimes
+when she is kissed and isn't at
+others.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>EVEN a dead husband gives a widow some
+advantage over an old maid.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="golftrophy" summary="golftrophy">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>THE kind of wife every man is looking for
+is one who can peel potatoes with one
+hand, curl her hair with the other, rock the
+cradle with her foot and accompany herself
+on the piano.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT isn't conscience, but the fear of consequences
+that keeps a man from trifling with
+a pretty woman.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>POVERTY is a love charm; you never
+know how great a thing love is until you
+haven't anything else in the world.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WOMEN take awful chances in matrimony&mdash;because
+that's the only kind
+they get nowadays.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S past is always quite past and his
+dead loves are so dead that he wouldn't
+recognize them if he should meet their
+corpses on the street.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancecard" summary="dancecard">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN always holds a woman at her own
+valuation; if she sets a high price on herself
+he is eager to pay it, but he doesn't
+want anything that looks as though it
+came off a bargain counter.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN always considers himself mighty
+clever when he can glide through the
+shallows of love-making without foundering
+on the rocks of matrimony.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>CHOOSING a husband is like picking out
+the combination on a lottery ticket; your
+first guess is apt to be as good as your last.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S idea of success is to be able to
+run his business by touching the electric
+button at the side of his desk.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MAN is a mysterious chemical combination;
+add matrimony and you never can
+tell what he will turn into.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cards" summary="cards">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE is nothing which falls with such a
+dull sickening thud on a man's vanity as
+his wife's dead silence after he has made
+one of his characteristically brilliant remarks.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT IS always a shock to a girl when her fianc&eacute;'s
+sister takes her into his den and she
+sees her photograph standing on the mantelpiece
+between an actress in green tights
+and a cigarette ad.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A GIRL who has a brother has a great advantage
+over one who hasn't; she gets a
+working knowledge of men without having
+to go through the matrimonial inquisition
+in order to acquire it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN always pats himself on the back
+when he has composed a letter that
+breathes devotion, but would not be negotiable
+in a breach of promise suit.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="painting" summary="painting">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE is nothing so easy for a man as forgetting;
+he scarcely takes time to throw a
+shovelful of dirt on the grave of a dead
+love before he is off pursuing a new one.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>TO a man love is only a side dish; to a
+woman it's the whole feast.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE are few men constituted strong
+enough romantically to stand a daily diet
+of kisses, without getting sentimental
+nausea.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>GENIUS, like anything else, needs distance
+to lend it enchantment; and the longer
+you are married to one, the more distance
+you are likely to give him.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>BEFORE marrying a man, ask yourself if
+you could love him if he lost his front
+hair, went without a collar, smoked an old
+pipe, and wore a ready-made suit; all of
+these things are likely to happen.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="carracing" summary="carracing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S a funny thing about being in love, that
+the minute a man begins to get serious he
+begins to get foolish.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A HUSBAND always expects his wife to
+look up to him, even if she has to get
+down on her knees to do it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>COURTING is like cooking; you've got to
+be born with the knack; brains don't take
+the prizes and theory doesn't count.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE greatest proof that marriage is not a
+failure is that widows and widowers are always
+anxious to try it again.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE only way to be happy with a husband
+is to believe everything he tells you&mdash;even
+when you know it isn't so.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN love, a man's interest in the game is always
+deeper than his interest in the girl.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="sailing" summary="sailing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN may like a girl ever so much until he
+finds out she likes him ever so much;
+then like cures like. See "Simple Hom&oelig;opathy."</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>PROPOSING is like making welsh-rarebit;
+there isn't any reliable recipe for it and
+you can only tell whether or not you have
+done properly by the way it turns out.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>AFTER a man has seen you cry two or
+three times it ceases to move him&mdash;except
+to move him out of the house.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE color of a friend's finger nails or his
+socks has very much more weight with a
+snob than the color of his soul or his reputation.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF a man would stick to his wife as he sticks
+to his seat in a street car, there wouldn't
+be much need for an alimony bureau.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="valentine" summary="valentine">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>AN old bachelor's looks may be well preserved,
+but his heart is always embalmed.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT takes an awfully big man to own up to his
+wife that he was a little at fault in a quarrel.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man gets a wife who makes him
+happy, he lays it to his perspicacity;
+when he doesn't, he lays it on fate.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LIFE is a game in four rubbers: hearts are
+trumps when a man is very young; clubs
+are trumps after he marries; diamonds are
+trumps as he waxes rich and gouty; and
+lastly&mdash;spades.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>TO flirt inartistically is like stepping on a
+woman's toes when you are waltzing with
+her; it gives her real pain.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN seldom marries when he loses his
+heart; he waits until he loses his head.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="twohearts" summary="twohearts">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN is like a cat; chase him and he'll
+run; sit still and ignore him and he'll
+come purring at your feet.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHAT a girl, who would be really popular,
+should do, is to wave a red danger
+flag at a man and then start to run in the
+opposite direction.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE are some men who regard their
+wives' accomplishments with the same patronizing
+complacency that they feel toward
+the tricks of the educated monkey at the
+circus.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>DON'T always imagine that the man and
+woman who walk side by side without
+speaking to each other are angry; they
+may be only married.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MASCULINITY covereth a multitude of
+sins.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="holdingphotos" summary="holdingphotos">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>THE man who whips his small son for lying
+to shield a girl, has a mental vision as
+narrow as a Rocky Mountain path and side
+walls of dogmatism as high as the Colorado
+Ca&ntilde;on.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>SATAN and Cupid are chums, who go about
+together looking for people who have
+nothing to do.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MANY a woman has divorced her husband
+for "desertion" who cheerfully helped
+pack his trunk and pay for his railway
+ticket when he left her.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S conscience is made of India rubber&mdash;warranted
+to stretch as long as the
+fun lasts.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>SOME men think that by putting on a silk
+hat and a white Ascot tie they are disguised
+as gentlemen.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="powderpuff" summary="powderpuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE average man is about as good a judge
+of women as a woman is of race horses; he
+picks the favorites by their shape and
+color.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE is like gambling; you want to be
+sure that you are a good loser before you
+go in for the game.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S idea of honor is so peculiar; he
+would die rather than steal a friend's
+money or cheat him at cards, but he will
+steal his wife or cheat him out of his
+daughter with perfect equanimity.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN you see what some girls marry,
+you realize how they must hate to work
+for a living.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>FLIRTATION is like a cocktail with no
+headache in it, champagne with no "next
+morning."</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancinggirl" summary="dancinggirl">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>ALL men are the same after ten years of
+matrimony; they all smell of cloves and
+tobacco, talk in monosyllables, and tell the
+same stories when they come home late.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A RECKLESS lover and an automobile
+scorcher may run all the risks&mdash;but they
+have all the excitement.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>OF course, bigamy is very reprehensible;
+but the man who marries two women deserves
+a little credit for trying to make up
+to the sex for the selfishness of the old
+bachelor who won't marry even one.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN a domestic quarrel, it is not the one who
+can hold out, but the one who can hold in,
+who usually wins.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE boy who has been brought up to button
+his sister's frocks down the back cherishes
+no illusions about women.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="ridingcrop" summary="ridingcrop">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN is never content with a fortune of
+less than six figures; but a woman is
+satisfied with one figure&mdash;if it has the
+proper curves.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S a wise woman that knows how little she
+knows about her husband.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ONE advantage of a bull-dog over a baby is
+that you are not haunted by the fear that
+he will grow up to be just like his father.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE way to a man's heart is a zig-zag road,
+leading through his stomach twice around
+his vanity, across his discretion and
+straight over his determination not to
+marry.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>FAILING to be "there" when a man wants
+her, is the greatest sin a woman can commit&mdash;except
+being there when doesn't want her.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cookingfondue" summary="cookingfondue">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE best men always seem to get the worst
+wives and vice versa; that's Nature's little
+way of spreading the virtues and the vices
+around equally, like the jam and the butter
+on the bread.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S idea of being "master" in his own
+house is asserting his right to put his
+muddy feet on the best divan and his pipe
+ashes on the parlor mantelpiece.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WOMAN may scoff at her husband's
+religion, insult his friends, absorb his income
+and pry into his secrets, and still retain
+his love, if she regards his pipe and his
+razor as sacred.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>YOU can always find somebody to share
+your money and your pleasures with; but
+you've got to have somebody tied to you
+to share your sorrows and troubles with;
+that's the excuse for matrimony.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cats" summary="cats">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MARRIAGE of convenience is the safety-pin
+with which a woman fastens on her
+self-respect when the hooks of love are
+broken.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE never was a man so small that he
+couldn't call his two-hundred pound wife
+"little one" with a perfectly serious face.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>GOD made the first man; but He must have
+seen His mistake, for the Scriptures say
+nothing of His having had anything to do
+with the rest of them.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S idea of a thrifty wife is one who
+can make lobster salad out of left-over
+veal and a new hat out of an old fruit
+basket.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE is the spur, matrimony the whip that
+drive a man to hard work and successful
+accomplishment.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cupidkey" summary="cupidkey">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE longest way 'round the saloon and the
+stage door is the shortest way home for
+some men.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE never was a man living who
+wouldn't marry Venus, and then expect
+her to stay home and do the cooking.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ONCE a fool, twice married.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a girl marries she usually has to
+choose whether she prefers to sit at the
+foot of a throne or to stand on a door-mat.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>OF course, you can't expect two people to
+keep step all their lives to the wedding
+march; but it's a pity the joy-bells get out
+of tune so soon.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NINE tailors may make a man, but they
+can't make a gentleman.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="waitingmuff" summary="waitingmuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>BEFORE marriage a man inquires, "What
+is that fascinating perfume?" afterward,
+"What is that sickening stuff?"</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT isn't the troubles and sorrows they share,
+but the bridge parties and midnight suppers
+they don't share, which separate most
+married couples.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE is no pity on earth so heartfelt as
+that with which the bachelor and the
+newly-married man regard one another.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE is a delirious spin in an automobile,
+marriage the accident of which you are always
+in danger.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WOMAN can get so used to that sort of
+thing that she would feel almost neglected
+if some day her husband should fail
+to offer up the usual morning and evening
+growl.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="golftrophy" summary="golftrophy">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A WOMAN will go on a starvation diet and
+have herself skinned alive in order to retain
+her husband's admiration; but a man
+considers himself a martyr if he resists a
+boiled onion.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE sentiment a society woman wastes in
+baby-talk to her dog and the money a society
+man wastes on gasoline for his automobile
+would keep half a dozen babies in
+love and milk.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A CYNIC can always find flaws in a woman
+and weeds in a rose garden.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE lower a man's forehead, the higher his
+collar.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NO matter how much a man dislikes children
+before marriage, after marriage he
+always imagines that he is going to improve
+on the human race.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancecard" summary="dancecard">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A GIRL'S idea of a proposal of marriage is
+so different from any she ever gets, that,
+even after she is married she often wonders
+how it happened.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>VENUS may have been the most popular
+lady of her time; but it takes a clever
+huntress, like Diana, to get any attention
+nowadays.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NOTHING makes a woman feel so old as
+watching the bald spot daily increase on
+the top of her husband's head.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE is not really blind, it is only nearsighted;
+and marriage is the optician that
+furnishes it with a strong pair of lenses,
+warranted to dispel all illusions and make
+defects perfectly clear.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHOM the gods wish to destroy they first
+infatuate with a chorus girl.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cards" summary="cards">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WISE jilt wears his scalp beneath his
+waistcoat, and a wise girl keeps her mittens
+carefully hidden; only a savage or a
+fool flaunts the trophies of the love-chase.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>COCK ROBIN isn't the only chap who ever
+promised to feed a girl on jelly-cake and
+wine when he knew perfectly well that the
+moment they were married she would
+have to go out and grub for worms.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>PATCHING up a shattered love-affair is as
+foolish as trying to mend cobwebs.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MATRIMONY is a see-saw; and the secret
+of happiness lies in keeping yourself so
+carefully balanced that you neither fly into
+the air nor come down with a sickening
+thud.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE softer a man's head, the louder his
+socks.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="painting" summary="painting">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>FROM the latest divorce cases it appears
+that as soon as a married couple get rich
+enough to keep two automobiles they at
+once begin to travel separate roads.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>DON'T think your husband has ceased to
+love you merely because he has begun to
+lie to you; it's when he stops taking the
+trouble to whitewash himself that you
+have real grounds for that suspicion.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MANY a woman thinks she has married a
+hero until she tries to get him to go out
+and reason with the janitor.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A GOOD husband may be the "salt of the
+earth," but he often seems more like the
+pepper.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE trouble with the marriage tie is that
+it's so tight that most people get tangled
+up or frazzled out trying to loosen it.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="carracing" summary="carracing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a young man rails at marriage,
+listen for the wedding bells; a confirmed
+bachelor is too indifferent on the
+subject to be bitter about it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN doesn't think he has had a good
+time unless he has a headache the next
+morning.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE is no such thing as a confirmed
+bachelor in the countries where harems
+are fashionable.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT isn't tying himself to one woman that a
+man dreads when he thinks of marrying;
+it's separating himself from all the others.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHAT a man considers his "personal distinction,"
+and a girl refers to as his
+"charming personality," is often nothing
+more than a good tailor and a smart haberdasher.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="sailing" summary="sailing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>BEING good is merely keeping up with the
+styles; what was immoral ten years ago
+is only fashionable now, and what is
+shocking now will be only fashionable ten
+years hence.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WONDER how many wives have been
+awakened from love's young dream by
+a snore.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S the men who are least particular about
+their own morals who are the most particular
+about a woman's; if Satan should come
+up here seeking a wife, he would probably
+demand an angel with gilt wings instead
+of a nice congenial little devil.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>APPEALING to a man's sense of humor
+when he has just lathered his face for
+shaving, is about as effective as appealing
+to a cat's sense of honor when she sees a
+chance to steal the milk.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="valentine" summary="valentine">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN loses his illusions first, his teeth
+second and his follies last.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>SOMEHOW, the wagon a woman hitches to
+a star always turns out a baby carriage.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A GOOD lie in time saves nine poor ones
+next morning.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a girl refuses a man his chagrin is
+always tempered by his astonishment
+that she could be so blind to her own good
+fortune.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE troublesome part of love and everything
+nice is that it always must end; but
+then that's the <i>nice</i> part of matrimony and
+everything troublesome.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THAT old saw about marrying a man to get
+rid of him isn't a joke. It's the best way.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="twohearts" summary="twohearts">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>ABSENCE may make the heart grow
+fonder, but it is more likely to make the
+head grow steadier; there is nothing like
+total abstinence to cure you of "that dizzy
+feeling" that comes from either love or
+cocktails.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>BY THE awkwardness with which some
+men make love, you would fancy they had
+learned how in a correspondence school.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>AS lovers men are inclined to be general
+practitioners rather than specialists.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT MAY be possible to patch up a wornout
+love affair, but the darned places will always
+rub even if they don't show.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF a man would display the same patience in
+catering to a wife that he does in coloring
+an old meerschaum pipe matrimony would
+be as pleasant as a pipe dream.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancinggirl" summary="dancinggirl">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE'S an old superstition that it's bad
+luck to be married in May; why not include
+the other eleven months?</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE only contract a man considers so unimportant
+that he will sign it without first
+reading it over is the marriage contract.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WOMAN whose husband gives her cause
+for jealousy should not shed tears; she
+should shed the husband.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN is never really old until his rosy
+hopes have turned gray and he has begun
+to get wrinkles in his disposition.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A GOOD woman is known by what she
+does; a good man by what he doesn't.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>RICH men and their wives are soon parted;
+matrimony plus money has such a way of
+developing into alimony.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="ridingcrop" summary="ridingcrop">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>ONE way to a man's heart is through your
+father's pocketbook.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE is the sparkle in the wine; matrimony,
+the headache that follows.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>BETTER be a young man's slave than an
+old man's nurse.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE is something about one cocktail
+that makes a man want another the moment
+he has swallowed it; and there is
+something about one woman that makes a
+man want another the moment he has
+married her.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN plays his part in his first love affair
+as an actor plays his first star r&ocirc;le
+with fire and enthusiasm, but without
+poise or method; later he becomes so technical
+that he can make his pretty speeches
+backward without a single thrill.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cookingfondue" summary="cookingfondue">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE only common ground on which some
+married people ever meet is the burying
+ground.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE is like a good dinner; the only way
+to get any satisfaction out of it is to enjoy
+it while it lasts, have no regrets when it is
+over and pay the price with good grace.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>HUSBANDS and wives may meet in
+heaven&mdash;but some of them won't if they
+see each other first.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE hardest part about the "next morning"
+is not the headache; it's the effort to recall
+what particular story you told your wife
+the night before.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>POOR people don't have to economize on
+love, kisses nor enthusiasm; and with
+plenty of those one can cover all the bare
+spots on the walls of poverty.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cats" summary="cats">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>FLATTER a husband a little and he will
+adore you; flatter him too much and he
+will soon begin to wonder why such a
+combination of Solomon and the Apollo
+Belvidere ever stooped to marry an insignificant
+little thing like you.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S the hours a woman spends making
+frocks that her husband never looks at, and
+the hours a man spends making jokes that
+his wife never laughs at, that make the
+matrimonial years drag so heavily.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE reason that a woman who takes the
+downward path has so much attention is
+that there are so many men going that
+way.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN makes a virtue of necessity when
+he prides himself on his devotion to a
+wife who is so fascinating that he can't
+help it.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cupidkey" summary="cupidkey">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S wife, like any other sort of stimulant,
+ceases to have that exhilarating
+effect after she has become a steady diet.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NO MAN knows the shock that a woman receives
+when she finds that she has got to
+live up to a standard that is half angel and
+half cook.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MEN declare they admire common sense in
+a woman; but a physical culturist with a
+perfect digestion and a thirty-inch waist
+hasn't a chance in the world against a foolish,
+unhealthy little thing in a French corset,
+a princess frock and open-work stockings.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE ultimate proof of a man's love is the
+self-restraint he shows when he allows a
+girl to run her fingers through his hair
+without putting up his hand to see if the
+part is still there.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="waitingmuff" summary="waitingmuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A LITTLE knowledge makes a man a fool&mdash;but
+it makes a woman suspicious.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE best way to cure a man's love is to return
+it with interest&mdash;and then watch him
+lose the interest.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN seldom escapes temptation because
+he is so careful not to let any interesting
+temptations escape him.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>SELF-SACRIFICE is the soul of love, and
+a real soul-mate is one who is willing to
+get up and take the milk off the dumb-waiter,
+wait until you have finished with
+the morning paper and give you the seat
+nearest the radiator.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT must be awful to live with a man after you
+have reformed him and he has become so
+superlatively good that you don't feel superior
+to him any more.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="golftrophy" summary="golftrophy">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>GOOD husbands are like tracts, comforting
+but uninteresting; the other kind are like
+dime novels, exciting, but apt to keep you
+in a constant fever of dread, anticipation
+and curiosity.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF a woman were like a serial novel and a
+man could read only one chapter at a time,
+honeymoons would last forever.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN doesn't demand common sense
+from a woman; he is satisfied with incense.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a girl marries a man because he is
+the best she can do it is the irony of fate
+to have him blame her because they are ill-mated.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>DAKOTA is the State that cuts a woman's
+troubles in half&mdash;and kindly takes away
+the better half.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancecard" summary="dancecard">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>WONDERFUL how soon after marriage
+a man gets to look upon the morning
+and evening kiss as one of his daily chores.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHAT is the happiest state in life? Why,
+Dakota, of course.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>COLLEGE boys are addicted to cigarettes
+and flirtations, bachelors to cigars and
+sweethearts; it takes a married man to get
+real joy out of anything so economical as
+a pipe or a wife.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MARRIAGE is the "commencement exercise"
+at which we take our diplomas in
+love; thereafter, like the college graduate,
+we begin to learn how little we know
+about it all.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>HALF the divorces are founded right on
+the wedding journey, just as half of indigestion
+is founded on too much sugar.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cards" summary="cards">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHAT do they know&mdash;about one another
+that makes every man who kisses a girl
+warn her so darkly and impressively not
+to trust any of the others?</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>POVERTY is only a relative affair, after
+all; it is X minus the things you want.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>HEAVEN must be something like an afternoon
+tea, as far as the dearth of men is
+concerned.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>FIGURES do lie; especially if they are the
+ones that express a woman's age&mdash;or the
+time a man gets home at night.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S favorite way of answering a
+woman's accusations is to tell her how
+pretty she looks when she gets excited.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MATRIMONY is the price of love&mdash;divorce,
+the rebate.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="painting" summary="painting">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a millionaire's heart is touched it
+makes a hollow sound.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE woman who is wedded to an art and
+also to a man pays the full penalty for that
+kind of bigamy.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN the love game nobody knows exactly what
+he wants; but a wise man tries to get what
+he thinks he wants and a wise woman tries
+to think she wants what she gets.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN isn't as curious as a woman&mdash;because
+usually a woman tells him everything
+before he has a chance to become
+curious.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE only original thing about some men is
+original sin.<br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='cap'>HOLD on tight to your temper 'round the
+curves of matrimony.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="carracing" summary="carracing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>COLD water never cured a fever and a
+woman's indifference never put out the divine
+fire of a man's love.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE is a sort of club sandwich affair,
+composed of large slices of selfishness, seasoned
+with passion, spiced with jealousy
+and covered with thin layers of sentiment.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN may admire a superior woman, but
+when it comes to marrying he prefers
+a goose who will cackle at his jokes to an
+owl who is likely to hoot at them.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN always remembers a girl's first kiss
+the longest&mdash;because usually that's the
+only one he had any trouble in getting.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>TO keep a man's interest at high pressure
+deal yourself out to him in hom&oelig;opathic
+doses; one only wants more of anything
+that one cannot get enough of.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="ridingcrop" summary="ridingcrop">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THOSE who have tried matrimony, like
+those who have finished with the morning
+paper, always say, "There's nothing in it;"
+but somehow that never keeps the rest of
+us from wanting to see for ourselves.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WONDER if it never occurs to the woman
+who marries a man to reform him that
+the sort of person who is headstrong
+enough to have made a "past" for himself
+isn't likely to sit quietly by and let somebody
+else carve out his future for him.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT is so much easier for some men to go to
+the devil for a woman than to go to work
+for her.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ALAS that the fever of love should so often
+be followed by a chill!</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN THE modern love affair woman proposes,
+God disposes and man&mdash;just dozes.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="valentine" summary="valentine">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN doesn't need to swear at a woman
+in order to express his opinion of her; he
+can shut the front door behind him in the
+morning so that it sounds just like a
+"damn!"</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>BY a man's vows of devotion ye shall not
+know him; the lover who promises a girl a
+life of roses is usually the one who allows
+her to pick off all the thorns for herself.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MAN is such a paradox that a woman is
+forced to make him believe that she
+doesn't take him seriously&mdash;or she won't
+get a chance to take him at all.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN cannot keep his grouch and his
+friends at the same time.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE woman who marries a dandy soon discovers
+that a thing of beauty is not necessarily
+a joy forever.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="twohearts" summary="twohearts">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN never selects a wife with any judgment
+or reason, because by the time he
+has reached the marrying fever all judgment
+and reason have fled.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT IS a wise fool who rushes in and a fool
+angel who fears to tread when it comes to
+love making; the woman who can't be
+coaxed can always be captured.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT MAY not be immoral for a girl to say
+"damn," but it affects a man just as it would
+to hear a dove or a canary bird shrieking
+like a parrot.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN in the act of putting his wife on the
+train for her summer vacation feels like
+the bad boy who has just heard the bell
+clang for recess; he doesn't know exactly
+what he is going to do, but he knows it
+will be something against the rules and
+hence very fascinating.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="holdingphotos" summary="holdingphotos">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT'S awfully hard for a girl, with her mind
+all made up and her thoughts at the altar,
+to sit silently by and wait for the love idea
+to penetrate the thick layers of resistance
+that cover the masculine brain.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>AS long as Satan can make a woman believe
+that it is possible to reform a rake and
+make a rou&eacute; over into a doting husband
+the ladies will keep his majesty's business
+running.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF anything could make a woman willing to
+exchange her curves for a little muscle it
+would be that maddening, "There, there,
+now!" attitude with which the average
+man greets her righteous wrath.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MANY a man would be dumbfounded if he
+should discover that the ideal in his
+wife's heart didn't have a double chin, a
+bald spot and turned-in toes just like himself.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="powderpuff" summary="powderpuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE music of the spheres isn't loud enough
+to drown the din of some matrimonial
+squabbles.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A KNOWLEDGE of all the ologies and
+isms isn't worth half as much to a girl in
+the game of life as a knowledge of how to
+use her eyes and how to keep her pompadour
+in curl.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man discovers that a woman
+knows more than he does it strikes him
+dumb&mdash;but not with admiration.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>HEART-TO-HEART talks between platonic
+friends are as apt to lead to lip-to-lip
+silences that Plato never dreamed of.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MAN may be the noblest work of God&mdash;in
+the abstract; but in a bathing suit&mdash;well,
+it takes blind love to make a girl think he
+looks like that.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancinggirl" summary="dancinggirl">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S surprise at the calmness with
+which his wife receives the announcement
+that he has failed in business is only
+equaled by his astonishment at her hysteria
+when a dress comes home that doesn't
+fit.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A GIRL always keeps a tender spot in her
+heart for the man she has once loved;
+but to a man nothing is so cold as cooled
+affection.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>YOU would fancy a girl were a species of
+ostrich from the amount of flattery a man
+feeds her before marriage and the two-edged
+cynicisms he expects her to swallow
+afterward.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE average woman goes from the altar
+into total eclipse from which she never
+emerges until she becomes a widow&mdash;since
+husbands never look at their wives and
+other men don't dare.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="ridingcrop" summary="ridingcrop">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE man who is most in love is most apt to
+get over it, just as the man who drinks
+most champagne has the worst headache
+next morning.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ALL this talk about trial marriages seems
+so superfluous&mdash;considering that marriage
+has always been a trial.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S sense of honor is so peculiar that
+it gets out of working condition the minute
+he comes near a pretty woman.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MAN&mdash;as far as his opinions and emotions
+go&mdash;is the noblest work of woman.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A KISS and its thrills are soon parted&mdash;after
+the honeymoon.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>EVERY woman is born an actress; and
+actresses are twice as attractive to men as
+other women because they are twice
+women.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cupidkey" summary="cupidkey">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A DARK brown "past" is sometimes a good
+insurance against a black future; the
+man who has "seen life" is not quite so
+likely to be looking for it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>HAPPINESS in marriage doesn't depend
+half so much on whether or not a man
+keeps the Ten Commandments and goes
+to church as on whether or not he keeps a
+pretty stenographer and comes home to
+dinner.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man declares that he knows his
+own mind, his wife may sometimes
+wonder why he seems so proud of the acquaintance.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MARRYING a widower is like inheriting
+an heirloom; marrying a grass widower
+is like getting second-hand goods that
+somebody else has been anxious to get rid
+of.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="waitingmuff" summary="waitingmuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>MATRIMONY is a life job with long
+hours, small pay, hard work, no holidays
+and no chance to "give notice" if you get
+tired of it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>AFTER all, a wife has her uses&mdash;even if its
+only as a protection against other ladies'
+breach of promise suits.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A PRETTY wife in a soiled kimono affects
+a man like a p&acirc;t&eacute; de fois gras served on
+an old tin plate; it takes away his appetite&mdash;for
+love.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT always surprises a woman when the son
+who has been tied to her apron strings suddenly
+gets tangled up in some chorus girl's
+shoe strings.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S idea of a perfectly loyal, devoted
+woman is one who will deceive another
+man for his sake.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="golftrophy" summary="golftrophy">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A GIRL'S idea of business is a place where
+she can meet some man who will take
+her out of it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN THE "relation of the sexes" a man is so
+likely to regard his wife as the "poor relation."</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NO MAN refuses to give a good wife all the
+credit she deserves; but some of them
+are rather shy about giving her cash to the
+same amount.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WOMAN on her summer vacation soon
+discovers that a husband is not "a man
+of letters," but a man of off-hand notes
+and telegrams.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A LOVER looks at women through rose-colored
+spectacles, an old bachelor
+through blue glasses, and a married man&mdash;through
+a microscope.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancecard" summary="dancecard">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN always feels deeply injured when
+his wife refuses to believe the story that
+he has worked at all the way up in the
+cab to make sound interesting and perfectly
+plausible.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT inspires a man with real awe and admiration,
+after he has spent all day Sunday and
+broken half the family tools fussing over a
+fractious lock, to see his wife come along
+and pick it with one hand and a hairpin.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHENEVER a man makes up his mind
+to give up anything, from a woman to a
+vice, it suddenly becomes so attractive to
+him that he begins to take a new and violent
+interest in it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE hard part of separating from a husband
+or wife for summer vacation is trying to
+look sorry about it when you say good-by
+at the station.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cards" summary="cards">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>TRAIN up a son in the way he should go&mdash;and
+then watch him go some other
+woman's way.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MAKING hay while the sun shines is very
+tame sport beside making love while the
+moon shines.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE dollar sign is the only sign in which
+the modern man appears to have any real
+faith.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT IS a mistake to propose to a girl with
+whom you have been mooning all morning
+on the beach until you discover whether
+that pang you feel is really heart hunger
+or only the other kind of hunger; the two
+have such similar effects.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>YOU can lead a husband to the restaurant,
+but you can't make him order champagne&mdash;unless
+it's another woman's husband.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="painting" summary="painting">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE seldom follows marriage, unless marriage
+follows love.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man says that "circumstances"
+have forced him to break his engagement
+with you, it is pretty safe to conclude
+that "Circumstances" wears smarter
+frocks or has a more fascinating way of
+doing her hair.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>SOME bright day women will learn that it
+is as impossible to revive a man's interest
+in a girl whom he has ceased to love as to
+make him want stale champagne with all
+the fizz gone out of it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ALL the great tragedies are written about
+the woman who isn't married to some
+man, but ought to be; when as a matter of
+fact the most tragic figure on earth is the
+woman who is married to him and
+oughtn't to be.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="carracing" summary="carracing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE are two kinds of masculine hearts;
+the kind like a peach, soft and impressionable
+on the outside, but stony at the core;
+and the kind like a nut, seemingly impenetrable,
+but sweet and satisfying once you
+get through the shell.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN doesn't object to a girl who smokes
+cigarettes, wears three-ply collars and
+calls him "old chap" because he considers
+her immoral, but because he considers her
+just a bad imitation of himself.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WOMAN can do nothing wrong, as long
+as a man is in love with her, and nothing
+right after he ceases to be.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE only way to be happy with a man is to
+have such blind faith that you can believe
+him when he vows he never kissed another
+woman, even though the scent of the last
+girl's sachet still clings to his coat lapel.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="sailing" summary="sailing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>MARRYING a woman, after you have kept
+her ten years waiting, is like buying a
+doll that has stood too long in the showcase.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man asks a girl for a kiss, she <i>has</i>
+to refuse him, but when he simply takes
+it, she has to take it, too.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NOBODY scorns a woman for marrying
+money or a title; what they scorn is the
+sort of thing she usually marries along
+with it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE woman whom a man idealizes is the
+one who keeps him guessing; who never
+lets him see how the wheels go round at
+her toilet table nor in her heart and head.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>SOME men regard home as nothing but a
+"rest cure."</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="valentine" summary="valentine">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>TAXING bachelors only encourages them;
+a man always values anything more, even
+freedom, when he has to pay for it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE is a time of the year when a man
+will pay thirty dollars for a Panama hat
+that makes him look like thirty cents, and
+thirty cents for a drink that makes him
+feel like a millionaire.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE knots in the marriage tie which rub a
+man the wrong way are the "shalt nots";
+those which chafe a woman are the
+"ought nots."</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE social swim at present appears to be a
+whirlpool, wherein a man gets soaked with
+either weak tea or cocktails.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN a man's opinion a kiss is an end that
+justifies any means.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="twohearts" summary="twohearts">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man makes a woman his wife it's
+the highest compliment he can pay her&mdash;and
+usually it's the last.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE happiest wife is not always the one
+who marries the best man, but the one
+who makes the best of the man she marries.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>"WHO findeth a wife findeth a good
+thing," saith the Scriptures. Well,
+that's what most men are looking for nowadays.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT isn't the big vague vows he makes at the
+altar which a man finds it so difficult to
+keep or to get around, but the little foolish
+promises he made before he ever got there.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT IS as foolish to try to reform a man after
+he has lost his front hair as to try to tame a
+lion after he has gotten his second teeth.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="holdingphotos" summary="holdingphotos">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>IT isn't the things a man says that proves he
+loves you, but the things he tries to say and
+can't&mdash;the things that choke right up in his
+throat and leave him sitting dumb and miserable
+on your parlor divan.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>PHYSICIANS say the heart is an organ;
+but by the way some men manage to grind
+out the same old love songs over and over
+again it would seem to be more like a street
+piano.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ONE whiff of an onion will do more to kill
+love than the breaking of the ten commandments.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ALL a man demands of a woman is a knowledge
+of what she ought not to do, what
+she ought not to say and what she ought
+not to think. All a woman need know in
+order to wear a halo in her husband's eyes
+is how to keep it on straight.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="powderpuff" summary="powderpuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>MARRIED men should make the most successful
+fiction writers, because it takes a
+highly developed imagination to invent a
+different story for one's wife every night.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>DON'T marry a man merely because he can
+write nice long, soul-satisfying letters;
+wait until you find out if he can write
+equally nice long satisfactory checks.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ONE man's folly is often another man's
+wife.<br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE woman who makes a man perfectly
+happy is the one who cares just enough to
+respond when he is interested and not
+enough to be interested when he doesn't
+respond.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MARRIAGE is like twirling a baton, turning
+a handspring or eating with chopsticks;
+it looks so easy until you try it.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancinggirl2" summary="dancinggirl2">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MARRIED woman is always impressionable,
+because she has become so used to
+a total abstinence from flattery that a compliment
+from a man goes to her head like
+wine to the head of the teetotaler.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>REFINEMENT is what makes a man turn
+on his heel and go off to the club instead
+of staying at home and having a good, old-fashioned
+row with his wife.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE man who keeps his sentiment bottled
+up and his money lying in the bank is so
+narrow that he wouldn't take a broad view
+of anything, even if he saw it on a bargain
+counter at half price.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE biggest, boldest man that ever lived is
+built like a barge, and any little woman
+who puffs up steam enough can attach
+him to her and tow him all the way up the
+river of life.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="ridingcrop" summary="ridingcrop">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN is always able to restrain his jealousy
+as long as his wife wears untrimmed
+cotton flannel lingerie.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>TAKE a spoonful of violet perfume, a pound
+or so of lace, a dash of music, and serve
+under a summer moon&mdash;and almost any
+man will call it "love."</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WIFE always feels perfectly safe in going
+driving with her husband, because she
+knows by sad experience that he will devote
+both hands and all his attention to the
+horses.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN whom wild horses cannot drag
+from the path of duty will sometimes get
+so tangled up in a pink ribbon that he will
+trip and fall right out of it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>KISSES are love's assets, quarrels its liabilities.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cookingfondue" summary="cookingfondue">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>BEAUTIES of the soul may be very fascinating,
+but somehow they aren't the
+kind a man looks for when he invites a girl
+out to dinner or for a spin in his automobile.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>AN OLD maid is an unmarried woman who
+has more wrinkles than money. There is
+nothing like a halo of gold dollars to keep
+a woman attractive to a green old age.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE things for which there is "the devil to
+pay," are the only sort which most men
+seem to consider really worth the price.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>AS a soul-companion, the main difference
+between a bulldog and a husband is that
+the dog can't talk&mdash;and the husband won't.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN loves a woman first tenderly, then
+madly, then dearly, then comfortably,
+and last dutifully.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="ridingcrop" summary="ridingcrop">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>SOME men are born for marriage, some
+achieve marriage; but all of them live in
+the deadly fear that marriage is going to
+be thrust upon them.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>DISTANCE lends enchantment; but too
+much distance between husband and
+wife is sure to end by one or the other of
+them finding another "enchantment."</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN THE mathematics of matrimony two plus
+a baby equals a family; two plus a mother-in-law
+equals a mob; and two plus an affinity
+equals&mdash;a divorce.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT IS something of a shock to the sweet girl
+graduate who has spent her youth in digging
+up the Latin roots, studying the
+Greek forms and acquiring a working
+knowledge of French, German and Hebrew,
+to discover that the only language
+her lover really appreciates is baby talk.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cupidkey" summary="cupidkey">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man tells his wife that he is
+"sorry" about anything he has done he
+doesn't mean that he's sorry he did it, but
+that he's sorry she found it out.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>FLIRTATION is like a pink tea, harmless
+but not exciting; love is like a dinner with
+seven kinds of wine, satisfying and exhilarating
+but apt to leave you with an uncomfortable
+feeling that you ought to have
+stayed away from it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S wife is something like his teeth,
+in that he seems to be aware of her presence
+only when it becomes annoying or
+painful.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ONE advantage in being a married man is
+that you are not haunted by the harrowing
+suspicion that every pretty single woman
+you meet may have matrimonial designs
+upon you.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="waitingmuff" summary="waitingmuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S sentiment is like cologne; he always
+offers you the cheap kind in large
+quantities.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A FEW years with the "George Washington"
+type of husband, who goes about
+with a hatchet and is too honest to flatter
+his wife, must make her long for a nice,
+comfortable companion like Ananias.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>BEING clever at repartee means being able
+to say at the moment the brilliant thing
+which you usually don't think of until ten
+minutes later.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ANALYZING your love for a woman is like
+dissecting a flower; by the time you have
+picked it to pieces and found out what it is
+composed of, its perfume and beauty are
+all gone. Sentimental botanists get about
+as much satisfaction out of life as dietetics
+out of a good dinner.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="golftrophy" summary="golftrophy">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A SUMMER resort is a place where a man
+will resort to anything from croquet to
+cocktails for amusement and where a girl
+will resort to anything from a half-grown
+boy to an aged paralytic for an escort.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man becomes a confirmed old
+bachelor it is not because he has never
+met the one woman he could live with, but
+because he has never met the one woman
+he couldn't live without.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MANY a man who promises before marriage
+to lift every care off a girl's shoulders
+won't even begin by lifting the ice off
+the dumb-waiter after marriage.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ONE comfort in being a woman is that you
+have the right to cry; when a man sheds
+tears the poor thing always looks and feels
+as if he had been guilty of an immodest exposure
+of the soul.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancecard" summary="dancecard">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>DON'T fancy a man is serious merely because
+he treats you to French dinners and
+talks sentiment; wait until he begins to
+take you to cheap tables d'h&ocirc;te and talks
+economy.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN likes a wife who appeals to his
+lighter side, but the average man has so
+many lighter sides that no one woman
+could appeal to them all; and even if she
+could there is always his darker side and a
+peroxide blonde waiting around to appeal
+to it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WOMAN'S idea in <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'marying'">marrying</ins> a man is that
+she may save his soul; his idea in marrying
+her is that she may save his socks and
+his digestion.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>PEOPLE who marry "for a joke" certainly
+must be blessed with an awfully keen
+sense of humor.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cards" summary="cards">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>THE girl whose hair is a little too gold,
+whose chin is a little too pink and whose
+laugh is a little too gay, apparently doesn't
+realize that even a siren couldn't attract a
+man if she sang too loud.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE "measure of a man" can usually be
+taken in half an hour's acquaintance, but
+the true measure of a woman is something
+that is known only to her husband and her
+dressmaker.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'><ins title="Transcriber's Note: this quotation mark missing in original">"</ins>THE worst of certainty is better than the
+best of doubt," says the proverb; but
+when it comes to man's love for a woman
+the worst of uncertainty is better for it
+than the best of security.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S past is written on a slate which
+can be washed clean at will, but a
+woman's is written in indelible ink in Mrs.
+Grundy's reference book.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="painting" summary="painting">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>MANY a woman who cannot be bought
+with any amount of gold can be won with
+just a little amount of brass.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF MEN were absolutely certain that angels
+wear the sort of Mother Hubbard draperies
+in which they are usually painted instead
+of French corsets and sheath skirts, not
+one of them would bother about trying to
+get to heaven.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE poet who sang of "woman's infinite
+variety" must at some time have been the
+only young man at a summer hotel.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE man who lets the tailor pad his shoulders
+is very contemptuous of the woman
+who lets the dressmaker pad her skirts.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NOWADAYS love is a matter of chance,
+matrimony a matter of money and divorce
+a matter of course.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="carracing" summary="carracing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>SOME men are so material that a beautiful
+sunset would remind them of nothing but
+Neapolitan ice cream, and a flock of sheep
+on a green hillside would suggest nothing
+more inspiring than lamb with mint sauce.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN ancient times one drink of Lethe water
+made a man lose his memory and forget
+even his name. Oh, well, one drink will
+do that nowadays&mdash;but it isn't Lethe and
+it isn't water.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>"JOY cometh in the morning"&mdash;but more
+often to the widow in second mourning.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>EVERYBODY has adopted modern improvements
+and new methods nowadays
+except the stork, and he goes right along
+carrying on business in the same old way.
+No wonder he has lost so much of his
+fashionable trade to the up-to-date dog
+fancier.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="sailing" summary="sailing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A PRETTY girl in a peek-a-boo waist and a
+Merry Widow hat on her way downtown
+can sometimes create more excitement in
+the business district than a Wall Street
+panic or a fire.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>BEFORE marriage it fills a man with tenderness
+to have a girl slip her hand confidingly
+into his coat pocket; but after
+marriage somehow it fills him only with
+distrust.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT is one of the mockeries of matrimony that
+the moment two people begin to be awfully
+courteous to one another round the house
+it is a sign they are awfully mad.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S idea of being perfectly noble and
+honest with a woman is to be able to
+make her think he loves her without indulging
+in any incriminating statements
+to that effect.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="valentine" summary="valentine">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>MOST women appear to think that "'tis
+better to have been loved and bossed"
+than never to have been married at all.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>DISAGREEABLE habits, like disagreeable
+husbands and wives, are so much
+easier to acquire than the other kind and
+so much harder to get rid of.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WIFE'S indignation at the women who
+flirt with her husband is often tempered
+by her pity and astonishment that they
+should be so hard up as to waste time on
+a man like him.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE average husband has an idea that
+economy should begin at home&mdash;and end
+at the corner caf&eacute;.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MANY a wife would be glad to exchange
+places with her cook on that lady's salary
+days and her evenings off.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="twohearts" summary="twohearts">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S idea of showing real consideration
+for his wife is to make sure that she
+won't find out what he is doing before he
+does anything that she would disapprove
+of.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE first child makes a man proud, the
+second makes him happy, the third makes
+him hustle, and the fourth makes him
+desperate.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man declares that making love
+to a particular woman "wouldn't be
+right," he really means that it wouldn't be
+safe; but he is too polite to say that.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN tragic moments we think of trifles; no
+doubt a girl who is being run down by an
+automobile stops to thank heaven that
+there are no holes in her stockings and a
+man that there are no incriminating letters
+in his pockets.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="holdingphotos" summary="holdingphotos">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MONTH of poker parties and summer
+girls can make a married man as anxious
+to get his wife back home again as a diet
+of champagne and ice cream would make
+him for a square meal of roast beef and
+baked potatoes.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>BETWEEN lovers a little confession is a
+dangerous thing.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>CALL a woman weak-minded and a man
+will wonder if you aren't jealous of her;
+but call her strong-minded and he will
+take your word without stopping to investigate.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE wife who insists on being useful instead
+of concentrating on being beautiful
+and amusing will soon find herself relegated
+to the shelf like a medicine bottle,
+instead of being kept near at hand like a
+wine bottle.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="powderpuff" summary="powderpuff">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THAT sad, patient smile one sees on the
+face of a married woman may not come so
+much from heart-hunger as from a daily
+effort to listen to her husband's latest joke
+at the same time that she pacifies the cook,
+soothes the baby and looks for his lost collar
+button.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>HOPE springs eternal in the feminine
+breast as long as a woman has ambition
+enough to continue to curl her hair, and
+in the masculine breast as long as a man
+has self-respect enough to keep on shaving
+his chin.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE things a man wants in a sweetheart
+are no more like those he wants in a wife
+than the things he wants for breakfast are
+like those he wants for dinner; yet he
+never seems to despair of warming over
+the light menu and making it do for a
+regular diet.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancinggirl2" summary="dancinggirl2">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>WHY is a woman always so jealous of her
+husband's stenographer when his real
+affinity is just as likely to be somebody
+else's stenographer?</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT IS not a man's morals but the manners
+that make him comfortable or otherwise to
+live with. A burglar or an embezzler can
+make his wife fairly happy if he will be
+prompt to dinner, agreeable at breakfast
+and will put up the portieres with a pleasant
+smile.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>NOTHING makes a woman so green with
+envy and mortification as her husband's
+ability to turn over and snore five minutes
+after they have had an exciting quarrel.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>OLD love, like old lamps, is apt to burn
+low and fitfully; it takes a new heart interest
+now and then to keep up the glow
+of life.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="ridingcrop" summary="ridingcrop">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE balance of power in the family usually
+goes to the husband or wife who has the
+largest balance in the bank.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>AMONG a man's sweethearts the first shall
+never be last, and the last can always be
+sure that she isn't the first.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE larger a man's girth the more expensive
+his flirtations; nothing but orchids
+and grand opera tickets can make a girl
+forget real embonpoint long enough to be
+sentimental.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MEN don't talk about one another as
+women do&mdash;perhaps because they find
+it so much more interesting to talk about
+themselves.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A FRANK husband and a kodak fiend teach
+a woman that truth is indeed stranger and
+more terrible than fiction.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cookingfondue" summary="cookingfondue">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>ONE touch of highball makes the whole
+world spin.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S sense of honor is so peculiar that
+it gets out of working condition the minute
+he comes near a pretty woman.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE man who kisses a woman at the first
+opportunity is either a fool or a cad; the
+man who waits for the second opportunity
+is a philosopher; the man who waits for
+the third opportunity is a speculator; and
+the man who waits any longer is&mdash;a freak.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE girl who has entertained her fianc&eacute;
+every evening for a three years' engagement
+may console herself with the hope
+that she won't be liable to see so much of
+him after marriage.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>'TIS best for a man to be square, but a
+woman is more lucky to be round.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cats" summary="cats">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a man has waked up the whole
+family and half the neighborhood flinging
+empty beer bottles at a cat on the back
+fence he feels so refreshed that he can go
+right back to sleep and snore straight
+through a fire or a thunderstorm.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN the face of a man's childlike vanity it is so
+difficult for a girl to decide to be ready
+when he arrives and thereby look as
+though she had been waiting for him, or
+to keep him waiting and look as though
+she had been primping for him.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN will tell his troubles first to his God,
+next to his lawyer, then to his valet, and
+lastly&mdash;to his wife.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A LITTLE "absent treatment" now and
+then is the best tonic for conjugal love;
+an ounce of summer vacation is worth a
+pound of divorce.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cupidkey" summary="cupidkey">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT may cause a man sincere regret to get into
+a foolish flirtation, but the only thing that
+causes him real downright repentance is
+not to be able to get out of it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>TO fascinate an intelligent man pretend to
+be silly; to attract a good man pretend to
+be naughty; to win a fool pretend to be
+clever; and to charm the devil pretend to
+be a saint.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A GIRL loves to spell her soul out on paper,
+but a man can't see the use of writing a
+love-letter when he can compress his
+whole passion into one paragraph on a post
+card.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT is a sad fact that two people who go into
+matrimony with the noble idea of sharing
+one another's joys and ambitions so often
+end by sharing nothing but one another's
+towels and brushes and grouches.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="ridingcrop" summary="ridingcrop">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MODERN love affair is something like
+English plum pudding: it contains very
+little spice and sweetness and is mostly a
+matter of "dough."</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A FLIRT and his conscience are soon
+parted.<br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN'S idea of constancy is being perfectly
+devoted to some woman who is
+either dead or too indifferent to demand
+anything of him.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE whole art of winning at either cards or
+love consists in keeping a level head and
+not taking the game seriously; but, alas&mdash;when
+a man is playing for money and a
+woman for matrimony they are bound to
+take it seriously.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN mothers-in-law come in at the door
+love flies out at the window.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="golftrophy" summary="golftrophy">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>A CLEVER woman can sometimes make a
+fool of a man, but it takes a fluffy little
+thing with a baby face and no brains or
+morals to speak of to make him make a
+fool of himself.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>FAINT praise ne'er won fair lady.<br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='cap'>GOING through life without love is like going
+through a good dinner without an
+appetite&mdash;everything seems so flat and
+tasteless.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT is most provoking to a woman who is winning
+in a quarrel to have a man suddenly
+turn round and take the argument right
+out of her mouth&mdash;with a kiss.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHERE do all of the lost hearts go?
+Well, most of the masculine ones go
+"down where the Wurzburger flows."</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="dancecard" summary="dancecard">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>THE hardest problem of a girl's life is to
+find out why a man seems bored if she
+doesn't respond to him and frightened if
+she does.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MENTAL science never cured a man of
+love-sickness, because in the average
+man's love mentality plays so small a
+part.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MARRIED woman has an awfully small
+chance of learning anything about her
+husband's English vocabulary, for the
+simple reason that he never addresses her
+except in baby talk or swear words.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A $30-A-WEEK clerk always feels it incumbent
+to take a girl to the theatre in
+a taxicab. It requires a bona-fide millionaire
+to drag her about in a five-cent
+street car with perfect &eacute;clat and no apologies.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="cards" summary="cards">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>WHETHER a girl looks indignant or
+happy after you have kissed her depends
+a great deal on how long she has been
+waiting for you to get up the courage to do
+it.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>TURNED-DOWN lovers tell no tales.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN a woman says "There are no secrets
+between my husband and me," it
+is a sure sign that she hasn't found out any
+of his.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE are dozens of systems for winning
+at roulette, but the only system for winning
+at love is systematic flattery.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE in a cottage doesn't seem so appalling
+when you come to consider that there
+is such a thing as matrimony in a modern
+flat.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="painting" summary="painting">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>NO MAN is a really artistic lover who hasn't
+enough dramatic instinct to forget all
+other women while he is making love to
+one.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF it weren't for the tiresome wedding journey
+and the monotonous honeymoon, bridal
+couples could begin being happy right
+away.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>EVEN though the dulcet iciness in her
+voice ought to be more effective than a
+shriek of warning, a man will go right on
+telling his stout, <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'blond'">blonde</ins>blonde wife that she ought
+to dress like the slim brunette next door.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THERE is something about a wife's tears
+that washes all the color and starch out of
+a man's love.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN married people can't come to
+terms marriage should come to a termination.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="carracing" summary="carracing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>THE longest way round matrimony is the
+shortest way to happiness.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE reason a man is so often tempted is
+because most of the time that is what he
+is sitting around waiting for.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>FROM the stony silence into which the average
+husband sinks after the honeymoon
+there must be something almost unspeakable
+about matrimony.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A WOMAN looks upon her first kiss as a
+consecration; a man regards it as a desecration.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>TIME and tide wait for no man, but the untied
+woman has to wait for any man who
+chooses to keep her waiting.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN fashionable circles one wife and a dog
+constitute a "family."</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="sailing" summary="sailing">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='cap'>IT MAY be very noble of a man to have no
+secrets from the woman he loves, but it's
+rather hard on all the other women he has
+gotten over loving.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN who can marry the right girl and
+won't marry her somehow always ends
+by being made to marry the wrong one.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MANY a good husband hasn't the nerve or
+the courage to be anything else.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WIDOWS have all the honors without any
+of the trials of matrimony; a live husband
+is sometimes a necessity, but a dead
+one is a real luxury.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>MANY a man's idea of a wife is something
+decorative to be kept around the house
+and only taken out on show occasions like
+the jewels in his safe and the horses in his
+racing stable.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="valentine" summary="valentine">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>IN olden times sacrifices were made at the
+altar&mdash;a custom which is still continued.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>OF course every woman knows that the
+man she loves is a "brute"&mdash;but unfortunately
+that is one of the reasons why she
+loves him.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE kind of woman who holds a man's devotion
+forever is like a silky, self-satisfied
+Angora cat who takes her petting as a matter
+of course, never returns it, and never
+gets on his nerve by asking for more.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IT isn't so much a man's sins and failings,
+but the air of conscious pride with which
+he accepts her comments on them that a
+woman can't forgive.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THAT will be a great novel in which the
+author can make the man who owns the
+machine as fascinating as the chauffeur.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="twohearts" summary="twohearts">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot'>
+
+<div class='cap'>EVERY man honestly believes that franchise
+in the hands of a woman is like a
+loaded gun in the hands of a small boy&mdash;utterly
+useless and sure to do damage to
+somebody.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WAD some power the giftie gie us to see
+ourselves as men's mothers see us&mdash;but
+it wouldn't make us happy.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>ONE reason why a dainty little thing like
+a woman wastes her love on man-creature
+with a rough chin, stubbly hair and a
+smell of tobacco about his clothes is that
+he is the only thing in that line.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN will forgive a woman for almost
+any indiscretion sooner than for leaving
+her hair in the comb and for breaking the
+Ten Commandments sooner than for leaving
+her hot curling tongs where his fingers
+can get on them.</div>
+
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'> <table class="holdingphotos" summary="holdingphotos">
+<tr><td align='left'><div class='blockquot2'>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE man who tries to mix his women
+friends has about the same unfortunate results
+as the man who tries to mix his
+drinks.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>'TIS better to have kissed and paid the cost
+than never to have kissed at all.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>THE word "court," whether it refers to the
+way her husband won her or the place
+where he lost her, always has a pleasant
+sound to a grass widow.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>IF a woman could veil her thoughts and feelings
+as effectively as she veils her face she
+would be so fascinating that no man could
+resist her.</div>
+
+<div class='cap'>WHEN it comes to love-making men are
+so unoriginal, that a sage, a fool and a
+"lovers' letter-writer" all sound exactly
+alike.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<div class='center'> <table class="insidecover" summary="insidecover">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<div class='blockquot3'>
+<div class='cap'>HUSBANDS are
+like Christmas
+gifts: you can't choose
+them; you've just got
+to sit down and wait
+until they arrive and
+then appear perfectly
+delighted with what
+you get.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<div class='center'> <table class="insidecover" summary="insidecover">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<div class='blockquot3'>
+<div class='cap'>THE only way to
+be happy with
+a husband is to
+learn to be happy
+without him most of
+the time.</div>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<div class='tnote'><h3>Transcriber's Notes:</h3>
+<p>Obvious punctuation errors repaired.</p>
+<p>Book title was added to top of text so that it did not begin only with the quotes printed on the inside
+covers.</p>
+<p>The remaining corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, by Helen Rowland
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+Project Gutenberg's Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, by Helen Rowland
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Reflections of a Bachelor Girl
+
+Author: Helen Rowland
+
+Illustrator: Henry S. Eddy
+
+Release Date: March 19, 2010 [EBook #31700]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Emmy and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL
+
+
+THE average man looks on matrimony as a hitching post where he can tie a
+woman and leave her until he comes home nights.
+
+STRANGE, how joyfully a man will pay a lawyer five hundred dollars for
+untying the knot that he begrudged paying a clergyman fifty dollars for
+tying.
+
+
+
+
+REFLECTIONS _of_ A BACHELOR GIRL
+
+_By_ HELEN ROWLAND
+
+_Decorated by_ HENRY S. EDDY
+
+"Just once more" is the Devil's best argument.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          NEW YORK
+          DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY
+          220 East 23d Street
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+          Copyright, 1909, by
+          DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+          [Reflections of a Bachelor Girl]
+
+A MAN buttons a woman's dress up the back with almost the same grace and
+alacrity that a woman displays in climbing a barbed wire fence.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL
+
+
+"JUST once more" is the Devil's best argument.
+
+VARIETY is the spice of love.
+
+THE only people who believe in a personal devil, nowadays, are the ones
+who are married to that kind.
+
+THE girl who marries for money is bought; but the girl who marries for
+love is sold.
+
+A WISE lover, like a good cook, is one who knows when the fire is out.
+
+ALIMONY is the price of peace.
+
+IN marriage, the love-light so often goes out as soon as the gas bills
+begin to come in.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE only way to be happy with a husband is to learn to be happy without
+him most of the time.
+
+LOVE is just the shine on the jewel of matrimony; but, after all, the
+shine on a jewel is the whole thing.
+
+A MAN firmly believes that, if he can only keep his wife in the straight
+and narrow path, he can go out and zig-zag all over the downward one
+without falling from grace.
+
+A GIRL is never so surprised when a man proposes to her as he is.
+
+LOVE doesn't really "make the world go 'round," it only makes us so
+dizzy that everything seems to be going round.
+
+ENNUI is "that tired feeling" that a girl has when the right man doesn't
+show up and the wrong one does.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+STRANGE, how joyfully a man will pay a lawyer five hundred dollars for
+untying the knot that he begrudged paying a clergyman fifty dollars for
+tying.
+
+WHEN a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of all the other men
+of her acquaintance for the inattention of just one.
+
+IT gives a girl silver threads among the gold to marry her ardent
+admirer and find out afterward that she has tied herself to a
+life-critic.
+
+AS FAR as men are concerned, a woman's reputation for brains is worse
+than no reputation at all.
+
+ALAS, if husbands were only like sewing machines, and we could have them
+sent up on trial!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+KISSING a girl, without first telling her that you love her, is as small
+and mean as letting a salesman take you for a free ride in an automobile
+when you have no intention of buying it.
+
+DIVORCE is the "Great Divide," over which many men think they will pass
+into Heaven.
+
+A MAN can never be made to understand why a woman will pay fifty dollars
+for a hat containing ten dollars worth of material and forty dollars
+worth of style.
+
+YOUTH will be youth; a young man chases temptation, folly, and chorus
+girls as naturally as a kitten chases its tail.
+
+FLINGING yourself at a man's head is like flinging a bone at a cat; it
+doesn't fascinate him, it frightens him.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MEN say they admire a woman with high ideals and principles; but it's
+the kind with high heels and dimples that a wife hesitates to introduce
+to her husband.
+
+MARRIAGE is the black coffee that a man takes to settle him after the
+love-feast.
+
+LOVE is the feeling that makes a man turn on the hot water when he meant
+to light the gas, go hunting for a collar when what he wanted was a pair
+of socks, shave every day, and forget whether or not he has had any
+lunch.
+
+HAPPINESS is at high-tide at the full of the honeymoon.
+
+SOMEHOW, a man who has been thrown over always lands on his knees to
+another girl.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A CONFIRMED bachelor girl is one who hasn't married--yet.
+
+TOO many "flames" dry up the well-spring of love.
+
+IT IS difficult for an old horse to learn new tricks--but an old _man_
+hasn't sense enough not to try.
+
+THE tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top
+of his head.
+
+NEVER worry for fear you have broken a man's heart; at the worst it is
+only sprained and a week's rest will put it in perfect working condition
+again.
+
+A RICH girl need not bother to cultivate the art of conversation in
+order to be fascinating. Her money will do the talking.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NOTHING can exceed the grace and tenderness with which men make love--in
+novels--, except the off-hand commonplaceness with which they do it in
+real life.
+
+ABOUT the only sign of personal individuality that the average woman is
+allowed to retain after she marries is her toothbrush.
+
+THERE are just three brands of masculine affection: platonic, which is
+love without kisses; plutonic, which is kisses without love, and kisses
+WITH love--which is almost extinct.
+
+OF course women should marry; no home is complete without a husband any
+more than it is without a cuckoo clock or a cat.
+
+"HOME" is any four walls that enclose the right person.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NO MAN can understand why a woman shouldn't prefer a good reputation to
+a good time.
+
+THE original fox was a man and the original grapes were the girls he
+couldn't kiss.
+
+A MAN'S desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate
+himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the
+world.
+
+IT isn't the girls whom he has loved and lost that a man sighs for; it's
+those whom he has loved and never won.
+
+LAZY men fancy that the wheel of life is a roulette wheel, on which
+fortunes are won only by chance.
+
+EVERY time a woman gives a man a piece of her mind she loses a piece of
+his heart.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead
+of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his
+charming manners, that won her heart.
+
+A MAN never marries when he ought to; he waits until some woman comes
+along and gets him so tangled up that he has to.
+
+THE shortest way to Heaven or to Hell is via the Love Route, Limited.
+
+IT MAY be bad form for a man to pay his wife compliments and call her
+pet-names in the presence of other women, but it's awfully good policy.
+
+MANY a foolish runaway match has been prevented by the fact that a girl
+didn't have on her best silk stockings at the critical moment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+REMORSE is the feeling a man has when the bottle is empty or he has
+tired of the girl.
+
+HUSBANDS are like Christmas gifts: you can't choose them; you've just
+got to sit down and wait until they arrive and then appear perfectly
+delighted with what you get.
+
+THE beauty of variety in love or wine is that the moment a man discovers
+a new brand or a new girl, he forgets all about the others and honestly
+believes that he is tasting the real thing for the first time.
+
+MATRIMONY should not be a prison but a privilege, and husbands and wives
+should not be jailors but jolliers.
+
+THAT lump which a man feels in his throat when he is about to propose is
+the "don't" lump.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN may read everything that ever was written about women and yet not
+know enough to avoid asking his wife a question when her mouth is full
+of pins.
+
+THE oftener a man falls in love, the more easily and gracefully he does
+it; exercise seems to keep the heart in good working condition.
+
+IT IS always a surprise to a woman when her husband sues for $200,000
+for the alienation of her affections, which he never seemed to consider
+worth two cents.
+
+MATRIMONY is a revolving door, round which husband and wife follow one
+another without ever meeting on the same side of any question.
+
+MARRYING an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+LOVE always must end sooner or later--usually sooner than the girl
+expected and later than the man intended.
+
+THE woman who insists on playing Solitaire in conversation is likely to
+end by playing Old Maid.
+
+FROM the number of virtues and accomplishments that a man expects to
+find in one wife, you'd fancy he was marrying a harem.
+
+DON'T worry for fear you may freeze a man's love out; the colder the
+wind you blow upon it, the higher you fan the flames.
+
+THE saddest thing about married life is the opportunity it gives two
+otherwise agreeable people for telling one another the disagreeable
+truth.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE never was a man big and strong enough to get out his clean shirt
+and collar and fix the water for his bath.
+
+IT'S when the game becomes a trifle stale that a man begins to feel
+conscientious qualms about flirting with a woman.
+
+THE woman who pins her faith to a man won't find a safety-pin strong
+enough to stand the strain.
+
+IN love, the best way to erase one face from the tablet of memory is to
+draw another across it.
+
+A MAN'S ideal woman is the one he couldn't get.
+
+A MAN may feel like a brute at taking a kiss from a nice girl--but it
+isn't until after he's gotten the kiss.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHY should matrimony interfere with pleasure in this day of self-rocking
+cradles, self-cooking ranges--and self-supporting wives?
+
+MOST men write a love-letter as cautiously as though they were writing
+for publication, or fame, or posterity.
+
+THE man who breaks his social engagements with you before marriage, will
+break everything from his word to your heart, afterward.
+
+PLATONIC friendship is a ship that starts for Nowhere and nearly always
+ends by being wrecked in the port of Love.
+
+TO a man, marriage means giving up four out of five of the chiffonier
+drawers; to a woman, giving up four out of five of her opinions.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN'S conscience is like his head; it never bothers him until "the
+morning after."
+
+A MAN'S shoulders are not always as broad as they're padded.
+
+MEN say they hate anything loud about a woman; it must be disgust that
+makes them always turn around to stare after a peroxide blonde.
+
+THE saddest sight on earth is an old bachelor trying to sew on a button
+with a blunt needle and a piece of string.
+
+THERE are some men who, before marriage, will risk their lives to pick
+up your parasol from in front of a whizzing automobile who wouldn't get
+off the sofa after marriage to pick up anything you might drop, from a
+hint, to a baby.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A HUSBAND gets so used to his wife's conversation that after a while it
+doesn't interrupt his reading of the newspaper any more than the
+plunking in the steam pipes.
+
+OF course men admire a circumspect woman above all things, but they
+seldom invite her out to supper.
+
+NOTHING bores a man worse than the devotion of the girl before the last.
+
+IT'S rather sad to see how easily a man gets "that tired feeling" after
+a love affair has become a bit stale.
+
+A MAN may send you a gold-handled umbrella with your monogram on it in
+diamonds and mean nothing but good-fellowship, but if he offers to put
+it up and carry it over you for fear the mist will spoil your feathers
+you may be sure he's in love.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+LOVE letters lead to all sorts of complications, but post cards tell no
+tales.
+
+ASKING a girl if you may kiss her before doing it is an insulting way of
+laying all the responsibility on her.
+
+A MARRIED man thinks that if he concedes to smooth his top hair and
+carry a cane he is sufficiently dressy to go out anywhere with his wife.
+
+BRIDEGROOMS have that sheepish look because every one of them is morally
+certain that he is a lamb being led to the slaughter.
+
+A WIFE sort of loses her awe and admiration for men after she has seen
+her husband without a collar and with his face covered with shaving
+lather and his top hair sticking up in tufts.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN seldom discovers that he hasn't married his affinity until his
+wife begins to get crow's-feet around the eyes.
+
+IF YOU want to be really popular pat a bald man on the head; call an old
+man "naughty boy"; treat a young man with timid respect; cling to a
+little man like the vine to the mighty oak, and tell a fat man how you
+love to dance with him.
+
+THE man who declares a friend innocent even when he knows he is guilty,
+and defends a woman's reputation even when it is scarcely worth
+defending, is not written down a liar by the recording angel.
+
+ODD how a man always gets remorse confused with reform; a cold bath, a
+dose of bromo-selzer, and his wife's forgiveness will make him feel so
+moral that he will begin to patronize you.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT'S as hard to get a man to stay home after you've married him as it
+was to get him to go home before you married him.
+
+A MAN hates emotions; when a girl pours her heart out to him he feels as
+if she has emptied the warm water jug or the molasses cruet over him.
+
+A WOMAN will lie to anybody else on earth sooner than to the man she
+loves; but a man will lie to the woman he loves sooner than to anybody
+else on earth.
+
+MATRIMONY is a bargain--and somebody has got to get the worst of the
+bargain.
+
+THE most uncomfortable thing about being married is that you can never
+tell whether your friends are envying you or pitying you.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ALL a man asks for in the love-game is beginner's luck.
+
+POKER and love are both games of bluff.
+
+A MAN has so many more temptations than a woman--because he knows where
+to go and find them.
+
+A MAN will sit on the edge of the bed, holding one shoe in his hand and
+gazing into space for half an hour, and then send the cook into
+hysterics and the waitress into nervous prostration because he has only
+ten minutes left in which to eat his breakfast.
+
+MOST bridal couples pile enough honey into the first month of matrimony
+to last a whole lifetime if thinned out and spread on economically.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WONDER if Adam ever scolded Eve for her extravagance in fig leaves.
+
+A BABY'S kisses taste of stale milk, a boy's of jam, a young man's of
+cigarettes and a husband's of cocktails.
+
+OF course people can't carry their party manners into marriage; but if
+they could, marriage would be more like a party and less like a prize
+fight.
+
+SOME marriages of convenience turn out to be about the most inconvenient
+things that could possibly have happened.
+
+WHEN perfect frankness comes in at the door love flies out of the
+window.
+
+MIGHT as well hail a Broadway car on the wrong side of the street as to
+hail a man on the wrong side of his vanity.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DIVORCE is getting to be as painless as dentistry. Two people pack each
+other's trunks, genially shake hands farewell, wish each other luck, and
+then go off to Europe while the lawyers fight it out.
+
+A MAN forgets all about how to make love after ten years of matrimony;
+but it's wonderful how quickly he can get into practice again after his
+wife dies.
+
+DON'T flatter yourself because he calls every Sunday evening that it is
+a sign that he's getting serious. It may only be a sign that everything
+else is closed.
+
+NO doubt when a man puts his cheek against a girl's he always imagines
+that it feels as smooth as hers does.
+
+GETTING married is so easy that most men are suspicious of it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MOTHER-IN-LAW may be the serpent in the Garden of Eden; but if it
+hadn't been for the serpent whom would Adam have had to blame for all
+his troubles?
+
+WHEN two people marry they "lock their hearts together and throw away
+the key;" then they begin looking around for some old legal nail to pick
+the lock with.
+
+LUCK in love consists in getting not the person you want, but the person
+who wants you. If you don't believe it try being married to somebody who
+is not in love with you.
+
+A MAN'S idea of an engagement is a chance to find out whether or not he
+really enjoys kissing that particular girl.
+
+IT'S not his understanding of the plot of the opera that makes a man
+appreciate it, but the "understanding" of the chorus ladies.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN thinks that by marrying a woman he proves he loves her, and that
+therefore nothing more need ever be said about it.
+
+THE average man looks on matrimony as a hitching post where he can tie a
+woman and leave her until he comes home nights.
+
+THERE is nothing so uninteresting to a a man as a contentedly married
+woman.
+
+A MAN'S sweethearts are like his cigars; he has many of each of them,
+loves each one as tenderly as the preceding, and appreciates each
+according to its expensiveness.
+
+A HUSBAND can always find fault with his wife, but, then, even
+archangels could pick flaws in one another if they had to drink coffee
+at the same table every morning.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MATRIMONY is, like the weather, mighty uncertain, and the happiest
+people are those who are neither looking for storms nor banking on
+sunshine, but are just willing to go along sensibly and take what comes.
+
+IT MAY mean nothing, but it's very mortifying to a woman when she takes
+her husband's dog for a walk and he tries to go into every corner
+saloon.
+
+IT'S easier to hide your light under a bushel than to keep your shady
+side dark.
+
+FUNNY how a married man who is trying to flirt with you always begins by
+telling you what a trying disposition his wife has.
+
+IT'S harder to get around a husband without flattery than to get around
+Cape Horn without a compass.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN marries a girl for what she is, and then invariably tries to make
+her over into something else which he thinks she ought to be.
+
+WHEN an ordinary man does not smoke, drink, nor swear, be careful to
+find out what worse folly it is that he is addicted to.
+
+A MAN gets his sentiment for a woman so mixed up with the brand of
+perfume she uses that half the time he doesn't know which is which.
+
+HUSBANDS are like the pictures in the anti-fat advertisements--so
+different before and after taking.
+
+THERE are moments when the meanest of women may feel a sisterly sympathy
+for her husband's first wife.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A WOMAN may have a great deal of difficulty getting married the first
+time, but after that it's easy, because where one man leads the others
+will follow like a flock of sheep.
+
+THERE are so many ways of punishing a refractory wife that the husband
+who cannot find one is either a timid, mawkish creature or--a gentleman.
+
+WHEN a lawyer is slow about getting a pretty woman her divorce it is
+because he wants a chance to make love to her before she is in a
+position to start a breach of promise suit.
+
+SOME men feel that the only thing they owe the woman who marries them is
+a grudge.
+
+BLUE BEARD isn't the only bridegroom who ever went to the altar with a
+closet full of dead loves on his conscience.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT isn't what a man can see through the holes in a peek-a-boo waist that
+makes the garment attractive, but what he tries to see and can't.
+
+A MAN who would turn up his nose at an overdone chop or an overdone
+biscuit will swallow an overdone compliment with the keenest relish.
+
+TOBACCO and love and olives are all acquired tastes; your first smoke
+makes you sick, your first olive tastes bitter, and your first love
+affair makes you unhappy.
+
+MOST men fancy that being married to a woman means merely seeing her in
+the mornings instead of in the evenings.
+
+A REFORMED rake is like a made-over hat or made-over tea--he has lost
+his style and his flavor.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN is always advising his wife to wear common-sense shoes, but that
+isn't the kind he turns around in the street to stare after.
+
+IT isn't the man who is willing to stay up late to talk to you, but the
+one who is willing to get up early to work for you, that you ought to
+waste your powder on.
+
+WHEN a woman is pretty and married an optimistic man can always console
+himself with the thought that perhaps she is unhappy because her husband
+doesn't appreciate her.
+
+MEN used to marry good cooks and flirt with chorus girls; now they marry
+chorus girls and hire good cooks.
+
+IT'S an ill wind that teaches a man the value of hatpins.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IF WE could all pay the price of matrimony in a lump sum it wouldn't be
+so bad; but paying it in daily instalments is what wearies us.
+
+A MARRIED man soon learns enough not to let the barber put lilac water
+on his hair; it's wonderful how sharp they get about exciting suspicion.
+
+LOVE always comes to a man as a surprise; he feels like a person who has
+been hit in the dark, and his one thought is for a means of escape.
+
+IF THE average husband were half as attentive, solicitous and devoted as
+his coachman, there would be fewer scandals of the drawing-room-stable
+variety.
+
+FLIRTING is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+SOME men are such bunglers at love-making that they cannot make a
+sentimental remark without tripping over it, or take your hand or a kiss
+without making you feel as though they had taken your pocketbook.
+
+THE average man's ideas of what a woman ought to be are as old-fashioned
+and set as two china vases on a parlor mantel.
+
+IT takes a mighty dishonorable man not to lie to a woman about where he
+saw her husband the night before.
+
+NEAR-LOVE-MAKING is the scientific masculine method of saying a great
+deal and promising nothing.
+
+IT'S so hard to reform a man when he hasn't any great fault but just a
+little of all of them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN who devotes his youth to ambition and cuts out love, finds out
+that he has been eating the bread of life without any jam on it.
+
+IT'S so easy for a man to get engaged that he is always disagreeably
+surprised when he finds out how difficult it is to get disengaged.
+
+A MAN buttons a woman's dress up the back with almost the same grace and
+alacrity that a woman displays in climbing a barbed wire fence.
+
+IT isn't Cupid, but cupidity, that is to blame for those unhappy
+international marriages.
+
+A MAN is absolutely certain that a woman is perfectly proper when she
+refuses to kiss him because in his simple, childlike vanity he can't
+think of any other reason why she shouldn't want to.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+GIVE me a man with a dark brown past--one who has tasted the spice in
+life's pudding, and won't begin to long for it the moment he has been
+put on the matrimonial diet of bread and milk.
+
+THE man who fancies himself completely understood is as unhappy as the
+woman who thinks she is misunderstood.
+
+IF St. Peter is really an old man, no girl over seventeen need apply for
+admission to Heaven.
+
+A KISS may be anything from an insult to a benediction; and yet a man
+never can understand why a girl is indignant sometimes when she is
+kissed and isn't at others.
+
+EVEN a dead husband gives a widow some advantage over an old maid.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE kind of wife every man is looking for is one who can peel potatoes
+with one hand, curl her hair with the other, rock the cradle with her
+foot and accompany herself on the piano.
+
+IT isn't conscience, but the fear of consequences that keeps a man from
+trifling with a pretty woman.
+
+POVERTY is a love charm; you never know how great a thing love is until
+you haven't anything else in the world.
+
+WOMEN take awful chances in matrimony--because that's the only kind they
+get nowadays.
+
+A MAN'S past is always quite past and his dead loves are so dead that he
+wouldn't recognize them if he should meet their corpses on the street.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN always holds a woman at her own valuation; if she sets a high
+price on herself he is eager to pay it, but he doesn't want anything
+that looks as though it came off a bargain counter.
+
+A MAN always considers himself mighty clever when he can glide through
+the shallows of love-making without foundering on the rocks of
+matrimony.
+
+CHOOSING a husband is like picking out the combination on a lottery
+ticket; your first guess is apt to be as good as your last.
+
+A MAN'S idea of success is to be able to run his business by touching
+the electric button at the side of his desk.
+
+MAN is a mysterious chemical combination; add matrimony and you never
+can tell what he will turn into.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE is nothing which falls with such a dull sickening thud on a man's
+vanity as his wife's dead silence after he has made one of his
+characteristically brilliant remarks.
+
+IT IS always a shock to a girl when her fiance's sister takes her into
+his den and she sees her photograph standing on the mantelpiece between
+an actress in green tights and a cigarette ad.
+
+A GIRL who has a brother has a great advantage over one who hasn't; she
+gets a working knowledge of men without having to go through the
+matrimonial inquisition in order to acquire it.
+
+A MAN always pats himself on the back when he has composed a letter that
+breathes devotion, but would not be negotiable in a breach of promise
+suit.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE is nothing so easy for a man as forgetting; he scarcely takes time
+to throw a shovelful of dirt on the grave of a dead love before he is
+off pursuing a new one.
+
+TO a man love is only a side dish; to a woman it's the whole feast.
+
+THERE are few men constituted strong enough romantically to stand a
+daily diet of kisses, without getting sentimental nausea.
+
+GENIUS, like anything else, needs distance to lend it enchantment; and
+the longer you are married to one, the more distance you are likely to
+give him.
+
+BEFORE marrying a man, ask yourself if you could love him if he lost his
+front hair, went without a collar, smoked an old pipe, and wore a
+ready-made suit; all of these things are likely to happen.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT'S a funny thing about being in love, that the minute a man begins to
+get serious he begins to get foolish.
+
+A HUSBAND always expects his wife to look up to him, even if she has to
+get down on her knees to do it.
+
+COURTING is like cooking; you've got to be born with the knack; brains
+don't take the prizes and theory doesn't count.
+
+THE greatest proof that marriage is not a failure is that widows and
+widowers are always anxious to try it again.
+
+THE only way to be happy with a husband is to believe everything he
+tells you--even when you know it isn't so.
+
+IN love, a man's interest in the game is always deeper than his interest
+in the girl.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN may like a girl ever so much until he finds out she likes him ever
+so much; then like cures like. See "Simple Homoeopathy."
+
+PROPOSING is like making welsh-rarebit; there isn't any reliable recipe
+for it and you can only tell whether or not you have done properly by
+the way it turns out.
+
+AFTER a man has seen you cry two or three times it ceases to move
+him--except to move him out of the house.
+
+THE color of a friend's finger nails or his socks has very much more
+weight with a snob than the color of his soul or his reputation.
+
+IF a man would stick to his wife as he sticks to his seat in a street
+car, there wouldn't be much need for an alimony bureau.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AN old bachelor's looks may be well preserved, but his heart is always
+embalmed.
+
+IT takes an awfully big man to own up to his wife that he was a little
+at fault in a quarrel.
+
+WHEN a man gets a wife who makes him happy, he lays it to his
+perspicacity; when he doesn't, he lays it on fate.
+
+LIFE is a game in four rubbers: hearts are trumps when a man is very
+young; clubs are trumps after he marries; diamonds are trumps as he
+waxes rich and gouty; and lastly--spades.
+
+TO flirt inartistically is like stepping on a woman's toes when you are
+waltzing with her; it gives her real pain.
+
+A MAN seldom marries when he loses his heart; he waits until he loses
+his head.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN is like a cat; chase him and he'll run; sit still and ignore him
+and he'll come purring at your feet.
+
+WHAT a girl, who would be really popular, should do, is to wave a red
+danger flag at a man and then start to run in the opposite direction.
+
+THERE are some men who regard their wives' accomplishments with the same
+patronizing complacency that they feel toward the tricks of the educated
+monkey at the circus.
+
+DON'T always imagine that the man and woman who walk side by side
+without speaking to each other are angry; they may be only married.
+
+MASCULINITY covereth a multitude of sins.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE man who whips his small son for lying to shield a girl, has a mental
+vision as narrow as a Rocky Mountain path and side walls of dogmatism as
+high as the Colorado Canyon.
+
+SATAN and Cupid are chums, who go about together looking for people who
+have nothing to do.
+
+MANY a woman has divorced her husband for "desertion" who cheerfully
+helped pack his trunk and pay for his railway ticket when he left her.
+
+A MAN'S conscience is made of India rubber--warranted to stretch as long
+as the fun lasts.
+
+SOME men think that by putting on a silk hat and a white Ascot tie they
+are disguised as gentlemen.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE average man is about as good a judge of women as a woman is of race
+horses; he picks the favorites by their shape and color.
+
+LOVE is like gambling; you want to be sure that you are a good loser
+before you go in for the game.
+
+A MAN'S idea of honor is so peculiar; he would die rather than steal a
+friend's money or cheat him at cards, but he will steal his wife or
+cheat him out of his daughter with perfect equanimity.
+
+WHEN you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to
+work for a living.
+
+FLIRTATION is like a cocktail with no headache in it, champagne with no
+"next morning."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ALL men are the same after ten years of matrimony; they all smell of
+cloves and tobacco, talk in monosyllables, and tell the same stories
+when they come home late.
+
+A RECKLESS lover and an automobile scorcher may run all the risks--but
+they have all the excitement.
+
+OF course, bigamy is very reprehensible; but the man who marries two
+women deserves a little credit for trying to make up to the sex for the
+selfishness of the old bachelor who won't marry even one.
+
+IN a domestic quarrel, it is not the one who can hold out, but the one
+who can hold in, who usually wins.
+
+THE boy who has been brought up to button his sister's frocks down the
+back cherishes no illusions about women.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN is never content with a fortune of less than six figures; but a
+woman is satisfied with one figure--if it has the proper curves.
+
+IT'S a wise woman that knows how little she knows about her husband.
+
+ONE advantage of a bull-dog over a baby is that you are not haunted by
+the fear that he will grow up to be just like his father.
+
+THE way to a man's heart is a zig-zag road, leading through his stomach
+twice around his vanity, across his discretion and straight over his
+determination not to marry.
+
+FAILING to be "there" when a man wants her, is the greatest sin a woman
+can commit--except being there when doesn't want her.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE best men always seem to get the worst wives and vice versa; that's
+Nature's little way of spreading the virtues and the vices around
+equally, like the jam and the butter on the bread.
+
+A MAN'S idea of being "master" in his own house is asserting his right
+to put his muddy feet on the best divan and his pipe ashes on the parlor
+mantelpiece.
+
+A WOMAN may scoff at her husband's religion, insult his friends, absorb
+his income and pry into his secrets, and still retain his love, if she
+regards his pipe and his razor as sacred.
+
+YOU can always find somebody to share your money and your pleasures
+with; but you've got to have somebody tied to you to share your sorrows
+and troubles with; that's the excuse for matrimony.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MARRIAGE of convenience is the safety-pin with which a woman fastens
+on her self-respect when the hooks of love are broken.
+
+THERE never was a man so small that he couldn't call his two-hundred
+pound wife "little one" with a perfectly serious face.
+
+GOD made the first man; but He must have seen His mistake, for the
+Scriptures say nothing of His having had anything to do with the rest of
+them.
+
+A MAN'S idea of a thrifty wife is one who can make lobster salad out of
+left-over veal and a new hat out of an old fruit basket.
+
+LOVE is the spur, matrimony the whip that drive a man to hard work and
+successful accomplishment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE longest way 'round the saloon and the stage door is the shortest way
+home for some men.
+
+THERE never was a man living who wouldn't marry Venus, and then expect
+her to stay home and do the cooking.
+
+ONCE a fool, twice married.
+
+WHEN a girl marries she usually has to choose whether she prefers to sit
+at the foot of a throne or to stand on a door-mat.
+
+OF course, you can't expect two people to keep step all their lives to
+the wedding march; but it's a pity the joy-bells get out of tune so
+soon.
+
+NINE tailors may make a man, but they can't make a gentleman.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BEFORE marriage a man inquires, "What is that fascinating perfume?"
+afterward, "What is that sickening stuff?"
+
+IT isn't the troubles and sorrows they share, but the bridge parties and
+midnight suppers they don't share, which separate most married couples.
+
+THERE is no pity on earth so heartfelt as that with which the bachelor
+and the newly-married man regard one another.
+
+LOVE is a delirious spin in an automobile, marriage the accident of
+which you are always in danger.
+
+A WOMAN can get so used to that sort of thing that she would feel almost
+neglected if some day her husband should fail to offer up the usual
+morning and evening growl.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A WOMAN will go on a starvation diet and have herself skinned alive in
+order to retain her husband's admiration; but a man considers himself a
+martyr if he resists a boiled onion.
+
+THE sentiment a society woman wastes in baby-talk to her dog and the
+money a society man wastes on gasoline for his automobile would keep
+half a dozen babies in love and milk.
+
+A CYNIC can always find flaws in a woman and weeds in a rose garden.
+
+THE lower a man's forehead, the higher his collar.
+
+NO matter how much a man dislikes children before marriage, after
+marriage he always imagines that he is going to improve on the human
+race.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A GIRL'S idea of a proposal of marriage is so different from any she
+ever gets, that, even after she is married she often wonders how it
+happened.
+
+VENUS may have been the most popular lady of her time; but it takes a
+clever huntress, like Diana, to get any attention nowadays.
+
+NOTHING makes a woman feel so old as watching the bald spot daily
+increase on the top of her husband's head.
+
+LOVE is not really blind, it is only nearsighted; and marriage is the
+optician that furnishes it with a strong pair of lenses, warranted to
+dispel all illusions and make defects perfectly clear.
+
+WHOM the gods wish to destroy they first infatuate with a chorus girl.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A WISE jilt wears his scalp beneath his waistcoat, and a wise girl keeps
+her mittens carefully hidden; only a savage or a fool flaunts the
+trophies of the love-chase.
+
+COCK ROBIN isn't the only chap who ever promised to feed a girl on
+jelly-cake and wine when he knew perfectly well that the moment they
+were married she would have to go out and grub for worms.
+
+PATCHING up a shattered love-affair is as foolish as trying to mend
+cobwebs.
+
+MATRIMONY is a see-saw; and the secret of happiness lies in keeping
+yourself so carefully balanced that you neither fly into the air nor
+come down with a sickening thud.
+
+THE softer a man's head, the louder his socks.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FROM the latest divorce cases it appears that as soon as a married
+couple get rich enough to keep two automobiles they at once begin to
+travel separate roads.
+
+DON'T think your husband has ceased to love you merely because he has
+begun to lie to you; it's when he stops taking the trouble to whitewash
+himself that you have real grounds for that suspicion.
+
+MANY a woman thinks she has married a hero until she tries to get him to
+go out and reason with the janitor.
+
+A GOOD husband may be the "salt of the earth," but he often seems more
+like the pepper.
+
+THE trouble with the marriage tie is that it's so tight that most people
+get tangled up or frazzled out trying to loosen it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a young man rails at marriage, listen for the wedding bells; a
+confirmed bachelor is too indifferent on the subject to be bitter about
+it.
+
+A MAN doesn't think he has had a good time unless he has a headache the
+next morning.
+
+THERE is no such thing as a confirmed bachelor in the countries where
+harems are fashionable.
+
+IT isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of
+marrying; it's separating himself from all the others.
+
+WHAT a man considers his "personal distinction," and a girl refers to as
+his "charming personality," is often nothing more than a good tailor and
+a smart haberdasher.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BEING good is merely keeping up with the styles; what was immoral ten
+years ago is only fashionable now, and what is shocking now will be only
+fashionable ten years hence.
+
+WONDER how many wives have been awakened from love's young dream by a
+snore.
+
+IT'S the men who are least particular about their own morals who are the
+most particular about a woman's; if Satan should come up here seeking a
+wife, he would probably demand an angel with gilt wings instead of a
+nice congenial little devil.
+
+APPEALING to a man's sense of humor when he has just lathered his face
+for shaving, is about as effective as appealing to a cat's sense of
+honor when she sees a chance to steal the milk.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN loses his illusions first, his teeth second and his follies last.
+
+SOMEHOW, the wagon a woman hitches to a star always turns out a baby
+carriage.
+
+A GOOD lie in time saves nine poor ones next morning.
+
+WHEN a girl refuses a man his chagrin is always tempered by his
+astonishment that she could be so blind to her own good fortune.
+
+THE troublesome part of love and everything nice is that it always must
+end; but then that's the _nice_ part of matrimony and everything
+troublesome.
+
+THAT old saw about marrying a man to get rid of him isn't a joke. It's
+the best way.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ABSENCE may make the heart grow fonder, but it is more likely to make
+the head grow steadier; there is nothing like total abstinence to cure
+you of "that dizzy feeling" that comes from either love or cocktails.
+
+BY THE awkwardness with which some men make love, you would fancy they
+had learned how in a correspondence school.
+
+AS lovers men are inclined to be general practitioners rather than
+specialists.
+
+IT MAY be possible to patch up a wornout love affair, but the darned
+places will always rub even if they don't show.
+
+IF a man would display the same patience in catering to a wife that he
+does in coloring an old meerschaum pipe matrimony would be as pleasant
+as a pipe dream.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE'S an old superstition that it's bad luck to be married in May; why
+not include the other eleven months?
+
+THE only contract a man considers so unimportant that he will sign it
+without first reading it over is the marriage contract.
+
+A WOMAN whose husband gives her cause for jealousy should not shed
+tears; she should shed the husband.
+
+A MAN is never really old until his rosy hopes have turned gray and he
+has begun to get wrinkles in his disposition.
+
+A GOOD woman is known by what she does; a good man by what he doesn't.
+
+RICH men and their wives are soon parted; matrimony plus money has such
+a way of developing into alimony.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ONE way to a man's heart is through your father's pocketbook.
+
+LOVE is the sparkle in the wine; matrimony, the headache that follows.
+
+BETTER be a young man's slave than an old man's nurse.
+
+THERE is something about one cocktail that makes a man want another the
+moment he has swallowed it; and there is something about one woman that
+makes a man want another the moment he has married her.
+
+A MAN plays his part in his first love affair as an actor plays his
+first star role with fire and enthusiasm, but without poise or method;
+later he becomes so technical that he can make his pretty speeches
+backward without a single thrill.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE only common ground on which some married people ever meet is the
+burying ground.
+
+LOVE is like a good dinner; the only way to get any satisfaction out of
+it is to enjoy it while it lasts, have no regrets when it is over and
+pay the price with good grace.
+
+HUSBANDS and wives may meet in heaven--but some of them won't if they
+see each other first.
+
+THE hardest part about the "next morning" is not the headache; it's the
+effort to recall what particular story you told your wife the night
+before.
+
+POOR people don't have to economize on love, kisses nor enthusiasm; and
+with plenty of those one can cover all the bare spots on the walls of
+poverty.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+FLATTER a husband a little and he will adore you; flatter him too much
+and he will soon begin to wonder why such a combination of Solomon and
+the Apollo Belvidere ever stooped to marry an insignificant little thing
+like you.
+
+IT'S the hours a woman spends making frocks that her husband never looks
+at, and the hours a man spends making jokes that his wife never laughs
+at, that make the matrimonial years drag so heavily.
+
+THE reason that a woman who takes the downward path has so much
+attention is that there are so many men going that way.
+
+A MAN makes a virtue of necessity when he prides himself on his devotion
+to a wife who is so fascinating that he can't help it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN'S wife, like any other sort of stimulant, ceases to have that
+exhilarating effect after she has become a steady diet.
+
+NO MAN knows the shock that a woman receives when she finds that she has
+got to live up to a standard that is half angel and half cook.
+
+MEN declare they admire common sense in a woman; but a physical
+culturist with a perfect digestion and a thirty-inch waist hasn't a
+chance in the world against a foolish, unhealthy little thing in a
+French corset, a princess frock and open-work stockings.
+
+THE ultimate proof of a man's love is the self-restraint he shows when
+he allows a girl to run her fingers through his hair without putting up
+his hand to see if the part is still there.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A LITTLE knowledge makes a man a fool--but it makes a woman suspicious.
+
+THE best way to cure a man's love is to return it with interest--and
+then watch him lose the interest.
+
+A MAN seldom escapes temptation because he is so careful not to let any
+interesting temptations escape him.
+
+SELF-SACRIFICE is the soul of love, and a real soul-mate is one who is
+willing to get up and take the milk off the dumb-waiter, wait until you
+have finished with the morning paper and give you the seat nearest the
+radiator.
+
+IT must be awful to live with a man after you have reformed him and he
+has become so superlatively good that you don't feel superior to him any
+more.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+GOOD husbands are like tracts, comforting but uninteresting; the other
+kind are like dime novels, exciting, but apt to keep you in a constant
+fever of dread, anticipation and curiosity.
+
+IF a woman were like a serial novel and a man could read only one
+chapter at a time, honeymoons would last forever.
+
+A MAN doesn't demand common sense from a woman; he is satisfied with
+incense.
+
+WHEN a girl marries a man because he is the best she can do it is the
+irony of fate to have him blame her because they are ill-mated.
+
+DAKOTA is the State that cuts a woman's troubles in half--and kindly
+takes away the better half.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WONDERFUL how soon after marriage a man gets to look upon the morning
+and evening kiss as one of his daily chores.
+
+WHAT is the happiest state in life? Why, Dakota, of course.
+
+COLLEGE boys are addicted to cigarettes and flirtations, bachelors to
+cigars and sweethearts; it takes a married man to get real joy out of
+anything so economical as a pipe or a wife.
+
+MARRIAGE is the "commencement exercise" at which we take our diplomas in
+love; thereafter, like the college graduate, we begin to learn how
+little we know about it all.
+
+HALF the divorces are founded right on the wedding journey, just as half
+of indigestion is founded on too much sugar.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHAT do they know--about one another that makes every man who kisses a
+girl warn her so darkly and impressively not to trust any of the others?
+
+POVERTY is only a relative affair, after all; it is X minus the things
+you want.
+
+HEAVEN must be something like an afternoon tea, as far as the dearth of
+men is concerned.
+
+FIGURES do lie; especially if they are the ones that express a woman's
+age--or the time a man gets home at night.
+
+A MAN'S favorite way of answering a woman's accusations is to tell her
+how pretty she looks when she gets excited.
+
+MATRIMONY is the price of love--divorce, the rebate.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a millionaire's heart is touched it makes a hollow sound.
+
+THE woman who is wedded to an art and also to a man pays the full
+penalty for that kind of bigamy.
+
+IN the love game nobody knows exactly what he wants; but a wise man
+tries to get what he thinks he wants and a wise woman tries to think she
+wants what she gets.
+
+A MAN isn't as curious as a woman--because usually a woman tells him
+everything before he has a chance to become curious.
+
+THE only original thing about some men is original sin.
+
+HOLD on tight to your temper 'round the curves of matrimony.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+COLD water never cured a fever and a woman's indifference never put out
+the divine fire of a man's love.
+
+LOVE is a sort of club sandwich affair, composed of large slices of
+selfishness, seasoned with passion, spiced with jealousy and covered
+with thin layers of sentiment.
+
+A MAN may admire a superior woman, but when it comes to marrying he
+prefers a goose who will cackle at his jokes to an owl who is likely to
+hoot at them.
+
+A MAN always remembers a girl's first kiss the longest--because usually
+that's the only one he had any trouble in getting.
+
+TO keep a man's interest at high pressure deal yourself out to him in
+homoeopathic doses; one only wants more of anything that one cannot get
+enough of.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THOSE who have tried matrimony, like those who have finished with the
+morning paper, always say, "There's nothing in it;" but somehow that
+never keeps the rest of us from wanting to see for ourselves.
+
+WONDER if it never occurs to the woman who marries a man to reform him
+that the sort of person who is headstrong enough to have made a "past"
+for himself isn't likely to sit quietly by and let somebody else carve
+out his future for him.
+
+IT is so much easier for some men to go to the devil for a woman than to
+go to work for her.
+
+ALAS that the fever of love should so often be followed by a chill!
+
+IN THE modern love affair woman proposes, God disposes and man--just
+dozes.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN doesn't need to swear at a woman in order to express his opinion
+of her; he can shut the front door behind him in the morning so that it
+sounds just like a "damn!"
+
+BY a man's vows of devotion ye shall not know him; the lover who
+promises a girl a life of roses is usually the one who allows her to
+pick off all the thorns for herself.
+
+MAN is such a paradox that a woman is forced to make him believe that
+she doesn't take him seriously--or she won't get a chance to take him at
+all.
+
+A MAN cannot keep his grouch and his friends at the same time.
+
+THE woman who marries a dandy soon discovers that a thing of beauty is
+not necessarily a joy forever.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN never selects a wife with any judgment or reason, because by the
+time he has reached the marrying fever all judgment and reason have
+fled.
+
+IT IS a wise fool who rushes in and a fool angel who fears to tread when
+it comes to love making; the woman who can't be coaxed can always be
+captured.
+
+IT MAY not be immoral for a girl to say "damn," but it affects a man
+just as it would to hear a dove or a canary bird shrieking like a
+parrot.
+
+A MAN in the act of putting his wife on the train for her summer
+vacation feels like the bad boy who has just heard the bell clang for
+recess; he doesn't know exactly what he is going to do, but he knows it
+will be something against the rules and hence very fascinating.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT'S awfully hard for a girl, with her mind all made up and her thoughts
+at the altar, to sit silently by and wait for the love idea to penetrate
+the thick layers of resistance that cover the masculine brain.
+
+AS long as Satan can make a woman believe that it is possible to reform
+a rake and make a roue over into a doting husband the ladies will keep
+his majesty's business running.
+
+IF anything could make a woman willing to exchange her curves for a
+little muscle it would be that maddening, "There, there, now!" attitude
+with which the average man greets her righteous wrath.
+
+MANY a man would be dumbfounded if he should discover that the ideal in
+his wife's heart didn't have a double chin, a bald spot and turned-in
+toes just like himself.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE music of the spheres isn't loud enough to drown the din of some
+matrimonial squabbles.
+
+A KNOWLEDGE of all the ologies and isms isn't worth half as much to a
+girl in the game of life as a knowledge of how to use her eyes and how
+to keep her pompadour in curl.
+
+WHEN a man discovers that a woman knows more than he does it strikes him
+dumb--but not with admiration.
+
+HEART-TO-HEART talks between platonic friends are as apt to lead to
+lip-to-lip silences that Plato never dreamed of.
+
+MAN may be the noblest work of God--in the abstract; but in a bathing
+suit--well, it takes blind love to make a girl think he looks like that.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN'S surprise at the calmness with which his wife receives the
+announcement that he has failed in business is only equaled by his
+astonishment at her hysteria when a dress comes home that doesn't fit.
+
+A GIRL always keeps a tender spot in her heart for the man she has once
+loved; but to a man nothing is so cold as cooled affection.
+
+YOU would fancy a girl were a species of ostrich from the amount of
+flattery a man feeds her before marriage and the two-edged cynicisms he
+expects her to swallow afterward.
+
+THE average woman goes from the altar into total eclipse from which she
+never emerges until she becomes a widow--since husbands never look at
+their wives and other men don't dare.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE man who is most in love is most apt to get over it, just as the man
+who drinks most champagne has the worst headache next morning.
+
+ALL this talk about trial marriages seems so superfluous--considering
+that marriage has always been a trial.
+
+A MAN'S sense of honor is so peculiar that it gets out of working
+condition the minute he comes near a pretty woman.
+
+MAN--as far as his opinions and emotions go--is the noblest work of
+woman.
+
+A KISS and its thrills are soon parted--after the honeymoon.
+
+EVERY woman is born an actress; and actresses are twice as attractive to
+men as other women because they are twice women.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A DARK brown "past" is sometimes a good insurance against a black
+future; the man who has "seen life" is not quite so likely to be looking
+for it.
+
+HAPPINESS in marriage doesn't depend half so much on whether or not a
+man keeps the Ten Commandments and goes to church as on whether or not
+he keeps a pretty stenographer and comes home to dinner.
+
+WHEN a man declares that he knows his own mind, his wife may sometimes
+wonder why he seems so proud of the acquaintance.
+
+MARRYING a widower is like inheriting an heirloom; marrying a grass
+widower is like getting second-hand goods that somebody else has been
+anxious to get rid of.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MATRIMONY is a life job with long hours, small pay, hard work, no
+holidays and no chance to "give notice" if you get tired of it.
+
+AFTER all, a wife has her uses--even if its only as a protection against
+other ladies' breach of promise suits.
+
+A PRETTY wife in a soiled kimono affects a man like a pate de fois gras
+served on an old tin plate; it takes away his appetite--for love.
+
+IT always surprises a woman when the son who has been tied to her apron
+strings suddenly gets tangled up in some chorus girl's shoe strings.
+
+A MAN'S idea of a perfectly loyal, devoted woman is one who will deceive
+another man for his sake.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A GIRL'S idea of business is a place where she can meet some man who
+will take her out of it.
+
+IN THE "relation of the sexes" a man is so likely to regard his wife as
+the "poor relation."
+
+NO MAN refuses to give a good wife all the credit she deserves; but some
+of them are rather shy about giving her cash to the same amount.
+
+A WOMAN on her summer vacation soon discovers that a husband is not "a
+man of letters," but a man of off-hand notes and telegrams.
+
+A LOVER looks at women through rose-colored spectacles, an old bachelor
+through blue glasses, and a married man--through a microscope.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN always feels deeply injured when his wife refuses to believe the
+story that he has worked at all the way up in the cab to make sound
+interesting and perfectly plausible.
+
+IT inspires a man with real awe and admiration, after he has spent all
+day Sunday and broken half the family tools fussing over a fractious
+lock, to see his wife come along and pick it with one hand and a
+hairpin.
+
+WHENEVER a man makes up his mind to give up anything, from a woman to a
+vice, it suddenly becomes so attractive to him that he begins to take a
+new and violent interest in it.
+
+THE hard part of separating from a husband or wife for summer vacation
+is trying to look sorry about it when you say good-by at the station.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TRAIN up a son in the way he should go--and then watch him go some other
+woman's way.
+
+MAKING hay while the sun shines is very tame sport beside making love
+while the moon shines.
+
+THE dollar sign is the only sign in which the modern man appears to have
+any real faith.
+
+IT IS a mistake to propose to a girl with whom you have been mooning all
+morning on the beach until you discover whether that pang you feel is
+really heart hunger or only the other kind of hunger; the two have such
+similar effects.
+
+YOU can lead a husband to the restaurant, but you can't make him order
+champagne--unless it's another woman's husband.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+LOVE seldom follows marriage, unless marriage follows love.
+
+WHEN a man says that "circumstances" have forced him to break his
+engagement with you, it is pretty safe to conclude that "Circumstances"
+wears smarter frocks or has a more fascinating way of doing her hair.
+
+SOME bright day women will learn that it is as impossible to revive a
+man's interest in a girl whom he has ceased to love as to make him want
+stale champagne with all the fizz gone out of it.
+
+ALL the great tragedies are written about the woman who isn't married to
+some man, but ought to be; when as a matter of fact the most tragic
+figure on earth is the woman who is married to him and oughtn't to be.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE are two kinds of masculine hearts; the kind like a peach, soft and
+impressionable on the outside, but stony at the core; and the kind like
+a nut, seemingly impenetrable, but sweet and satisfying once you get
+through the shell.
+
+A MAN doesn't object to a girl who smokes cigarettes, wears three-ply
+collars and calls him "old chap" because he considers her immoral, but
+because he considers her just a bad imitation of himself.
+
+A WOMAN can do nothing wrong, as long as a man is in love with her, and
+nothing right after he ceases to be.
+
+THE only way to be happy with a man is to have such blind faith that you
+can believe him when he vows he never kissed another woman, even though
+the scent of the last girl's sachet still clings to his coat lapel.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MARRYING a woman, after you have kept her ten years waiting, is like
+buying a doll that has stood too long in the showcase.
+
+WHEN a man asks a girl for a kiss, she _has_ to refuse him, but when he
+simply takes it, she has to take it, too.
+
+NOBODY scorns a woman for marrying money or a title; what they scorn is
+the sort of thing she usually marries along with it.
+
+THE woman whom a man idealizes is the one who keeps him guessing; who
+never lets him see how the wheels go round at her toilet table nor in
+her heart and head.
+
+SOME men regard home as nothing but a "rest cure."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TAXING bachelors only encourages them; a man always values anything
+more, even freedom, when he has to pay for it.
+
+THERE is a time of the year when a man will pay thirty dollars for a
+Panama hat that makes him look like thirty cents, and thirty cents for a
+drink that makes him feel like a millionaire.
+
+THE knots in the marriage tie which rub a man the wrong way are the
+"shalt nots"; those which chafe a woman are the "ought nots."
+
+THE social swim at present appears to be a whirlpool, wherein a man gets
+soaked with either weak tea or cocktails.
+
+IN a man's opinion a kiss is an end that justifies any means.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay
+her--and usually it's the last.
+
+THE happiest wife is not always the one who marries the best man, but
+the one who makes the best of the man she marries.
+
+"WHO findeth a wife findeth a good thing," saith the Scriptures. Well,
+that's what most men are looking for nowadays.
+
+IT isn't the big vague vows he makes at the altar which a man finds it
+so difficult to keep or to get around, but the little foolish promises
+he made before he ever got there.
+
+IT IS as foolish to try to reform a man after he has lost his front hair
+as to try to tame a lion after he has gotten his second teeth.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT isn't the things a man says that proves he loves you, but the things
+he tries to say and can't--the things that choke right up in his throat
+and leave him sitting dumb and miserable on your parlor divan.
+
+PHYSICIANS say the heart is an organ; but by the way some men manage to
+grind out the same old love songs over and over again it would seem to
+be more like a street piano.
+
+ONE whiff of an onion will do more to kill love than the breaking of the
+ten commandments.
+
+ALL a man demands of a woman is a knowledge of what she ought not to do,
+what she ought not to say and what she ought not to think. All a woman
+need know in order to wear a halo in her husband's eyes is how to keep
+it on straight.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MARRIED men should make the most successful fiction writers, because it
+takes a highly developed imagination to invent a different story for
+one's wife every night.
+
+DON'T marry a man merely because he can write nice long, soul-satisfying
+letters; wait until you find out if he can write equally nice long
+satisfactory checks.
+
+ONE man's folly is often another man's wife.
+
+THE woman who makes a man perfectly happy is the one who cares just
+enough to respond when he is interested and not enough to be interested
+when he doesn't respond.
+
+MARRIAGE is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring or eating with
+chopsticks; it looks so easy until you try it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MARRIED woman is always impressionable, because she has become so used
+to a total abstinence from flattery that a compliment from a man goes to
+her head like wine to the head of the teetotaler.
+
+REFINEMENT is what makes a man turn on his heel and go off to the club
+instead of staying at home and having a good, old-fashioned row with his
+wife.
+
+THE man who keeps his sentiment bottled up and his money lying in the
+bank is so narrow that he wouldn't take a broad view of anything, even
+if he saw it on a bargain counter at half price.
+
+THE biggest, boldest man that ever lived is built like a barge, and any
+little woman who puffs up steam enough can attach him to her and tow him
+all the way up the river of life.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN is always able to restrain his jealousy as long as his wife wears
+untrimmed cotton flannel lingerie.
+
+TAKE a spoonful of violet perfume, a pound or so of lace, a dash of
+music, and serve under a summer moon--and almost any man will call it
+"love."
+
+A WIFE always feels perfectly safe in going driving with her husband,
+because she knows by sad experience that he will devote both hands and
+all his attention to the horses.
+
+A MAN whom wild horses cannot drag from the path of duty will sometimes
+get so tangled up in a pink ribbon that he will trip and fall right out
+of it.
+
+KISSES are love's assets, quarrels its liabilities.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BEAUTIES of the soul may be very fascinating, but somehow they aren't
+the kind a man looks for when he invites a girl out to dinner or for a
+spin in his automobile.
+
+AN OLD maid is an unmarried woman who has more wrinkles than money.
+There is nothing like a halo of gold dollars to keep a woman attractive
+to a green old age.
+
+THE things for which there is "the devil to pay," are the only sort
+which most men seem to consider really worth the price.
+
+AS a soul-companion, the main difference between a bulldog and a husband
+is that the dog can't talk--and the husband won't.
+
+A MAN loves a woman first tenderly, then madly, then dearly, then
+comfortably, and last dutifully.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+SOME men are born for marriage, some achieve marriage; but all of them
+live in the deadly fear that marriage is going to be thrust upon them.
+
+DISTANCE lends enchantment; but too much distance between husband and
+wife is sure to end by one or the other of them finding another
+"enchantment."
+
+IN THE mathematics of matrimony two plus a baby equals a family; two
+plus a mother-in-law equals a mob; and two plus an affinity equals--a
+divorce.
+
+IT IS something of a shock to the sweet girl graduate who has spent her
+youth in digging up the Latin roots, studying the Greek forms and
+acquiring a working knowledge of French, German and Hebrew, to discover
+that the only language her lover really appreciates is baby talk.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a man tells his wife that he is "sorry" about anything he has done
+he doesn't mean that he's sorry he did it, but that he's sorry she found
+it out.
+
+FLIRTATION is like a pink tea, harmless but not exciting; love is like a
+dinner with seven kinds of wine, satisfying and exhilarating but apt to
+leave you with an uncomfortable feeling that you ought to have stayed
+away from it.
+
+A MAN'S wife is something like his teeth, in that he seems to be aware
+of her presence only when it becomes annoying or painful.
+
+ONE advantage in being a married man is that you are not haunted by the
+harrowing suspicion that every pretty single woman you meet may have
+matrimonial designs upon you.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN'S sentiment is like cologne; he always offers you the cheap kind
+in large quantities.
+
+A FEW years with the "George Washington" type of husband, who goes about
+with a hatchet and is too honest to flatter his wife, must make her long
+for a nice, comfortable companion like Ananias.
+
+BEING clever at repartee means being able to say at the moment the
+brilliant thing which you usually don't think of until ten minutes
+later.
+
+ANALYZING your love for a woman is like dissecting a flower; by the time
+you have picked it to pieces and found out what it is composed of, its
+perfume and beauty are all gone. Sentimental botanists get about as much
+satisfaction out of life as dietetics out of a good dinner.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A SUMMER resort is a place where a man will resort to anything from
+croquet to cocktails for amusement and where a girl will resort to
+anything from a half-grown boy to an aged paralytic for an escort.
+
+WHEN a man becomes a confirmed old bachelor it is not because he has
+never met the one woman he could live with, but because he has never met
+the one woman he couldn't live without.
+
+MANY a man who promises before marriage to lift every care off a girl's
+shoulders won't even begin by lifting the ice off the dumb-waiter after
+marriage.
+
+ONE comfort in being a woman is that you have the right to cry; when a
+man sheds tears the poor thing always looks and feels as if he had been
+guilty of an immodest exposure of the soul.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DON'T fancy a man is serious merely because he treats you to French
+dinners and talks sentiment; wait until he begins to take you to cheap
+tables d'hote and talks economy.
+
+A MAN likes a wife who appeals to his lighter side, but the average man
+has so many lighter sides that no one woman could appeal to them all;
+and even if she could there is always his darker side and a peroxide
+blonde waiting around to appeal to it.
+
+A WOMAN'S idea in marrying a man is that she may save his soul; his idea
+in marrying her is that she may save his socks and his digestion.
+
+PEOPLE who marry "for a joke" certainly must be blessed with an awfully
+keen sense of humor.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE girl whose hair is a little too gold, whose chin is a little too
+pink and whose laugh is a little too gay, apparently doesn't realize
+that even a siren couldn't attract a man if she sang too loud.
+
+THE "measure of a man" can usually be taken in half an hour's
+acquaintance, but the true measure of a woman is something that is known
+only to her husband and her dressmaker.
+
+"THE worst of certainty is better than the best of doubt," says the
+proverb; but when it comes to man's love for a woman the worst of
+uncertainty is better for it than the best of security.
+
+A MAN'S past is written on a slate which can be washed clean at will,
+but a woman's is written in indelible ink in Mrs. Grundy's reference
+book.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MANY a woman who cannot be bought with any amount of gold can be won
+with just a little amount of brass.
+
+IF MEN were absolutely certain that angels wear the sort of Mother
+Hubbard draperies in which they are usually painted instead of French
+corsets and sheath skirts, not one of them would bother about trying to
+get to heaven.
+
+THE poet who sang of "woman's infinite variety" must at some time have
+been the only young man at a summer hotel.
+
+THE man who lets the tailor pad his shoulders is very contemptuous of
+the woman who lets the dressmaker pad her skirts.
+
+NOWADAYS love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and
+divorce a matter of course.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+SOME men are so material that a beautiful sunset would remind them of
+nothing but Neapolitan ice cream, and a flock of sheep on a green
+hillside would suggest nothing more inspiring than lamb with mint sauce.
+
+IN ancient times one drink of Lethe water made a man lose his memory and
+forget even his name. Oh, well, one drink will do that nowadays--but it
+isn't Lethe and it isn't water.
+
+"JOY cometh in the morning"--but more often to the widow in second
+mourning.
+
+EVERYBODY has adopted modern improvements and new methods nowadays
+except the stork, and he goes right along carrying on business in the
+same old way. No wonder he has lost so much of his fashionable trade to
+the up-to-date dog fancier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A PRETTY girl in a peek-a-boo waist and a Merry Widow hat on her way
+downtown can sometimes create more excitement in the business district
+than a Wall Street panic or a fire.
+
+BEFORE marriage it fills a man with tenderness to have a girl slip her
+hand confidingly into his coat pocket; but after marriage somehow it
+fills him only with distrust.
+
+IT is one of the mockeries of matrimony that the moment two people begin
+to be awfully courteous to one another round the house it is a sign they
+are awfully mad.
+
+A MAN'S idea of being perfectly noble and honest with a woman is to be
+able to make her think he loves her without indulging in any
+incriminating statements to that effect.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MOST women appear to think that "'tis better to have been loved and
+bossed" than never to have been married at all.
+
+DISAGREEABLE habits, like disagreeable husbands and wives, are so much
+easier to acquire than the other kind and so much harder to get rid of.
+
+A WIFE'S indignation at the women who flirt with her husband is often
+tempered by her pity and astonishment that they should be so hard up as
+to waste time on a man like him.
+
+THE average husband has an idea that economy should begin at home--and
+end at the corner cafe.
+
+MANY a wife would be glad to exchange places with her cook on that
+lady's salary days and her evenings off.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MAN'S idea of showing real consideration for his wife is to make sure
+that she won't find out what he is doing before he does anything that
+she would disapprove of.
+
+THE first child makes a man proud, the second makes him happy, the third
+makes him hustle, and the fourth makes him desperate.
+
+WHEN a man declares that making love to a particular woman "wouldn't be
+right," he really means that it wouldn't be safe; but he is too polite
+to say that.
+
+IN tragic moments we think of trifles; no doubt a girl who is being run
+down by an automobile stops to thank heaven that there are no holes in
+her stockings and a man that there are no incriminating letters in his
+pockets.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MONTH of poker parties and summer girls can make a married man as
+anxious to get his wife back home again as a diet of champagne and ice
+cream would make him for a square meal of roast beef and baked potatoes.
+
+BETWEEN lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing.
+
+CALL a woman weak-minded and a man will wonder if you aren't jealous of
+her; but call her strong-minded and he will take your word without
+stopping to investigate.
+
+THE wife who insists on being useful instead of concentrating on being
+beautiful and amusing will soon find herself relegated to the shelf like
+a medicine bottle, instead of being kept near at hand like a wine
+bottle.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THAT sad, patient smile one sees on the face of a married woman may not
+come so much from heart-hunger as from a daily effort to listen to her
+husband's latest joke at the same time that she pacifies the cook,
+soothes the baby and looks for his lost collar button.
+
+HOPE springs eternal in the feminine breast as long as a woman has
+ambition enough to continue to curl her hair, and in the masculine
+breast as long as a man has self-respect enough to keep on shaving his
+chin.
+
+THE things a man wants in a sweetheart are no more like those he wants
+in a wife than the things he wants for breakfast are like those he wants
+for dinner; yet he never seems to despair of warming over the light menu
+and making it do for a regular diet.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHY is a woman always so jealous of her husband's stenographer when his
+real affinity is just as likely to be somebody else's stenographer?
+
+IT IS not a man's morals but the manners that make him comfortable or
+otherwise to live with. A burglar or an embezzler can make his wife
+fairly happy if he will be prompt to dinner, agreeable at breakfast and
+will put up the portieres with a pleasant smile.
+
+NOTHING makes a woman so green with envy and mortification as her
+husband's ability to turn over and snore five minutes after they have
+had an exciting quarrel.
+
+OLD love, like old lamps, is apt to burn low and fitfully; it takes a
+new heart interest now and then to keep up the glow of life.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE balance of power in the family usually goes to the husband or wife
+who has the largest balance in the bank.
+
+AMONG a man's sweethearts the first shall never be last, and the last
+can always be sure that she isn't the first.
+
+THE larger a man's girth the more expensive his flirtations; nothing but
+orchids and grand opera tickets can make a girl forget real embonpoint
+long enough to be sentimental.
+
+MEN don't talk about one another as women do--perhaps because they find
+it so much more interesting to talk about themselves.
+
+A FRANK husband and a kodak fiend teach a woman that truth is indeed
+stranger and more terrible than fiction.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ONE touch of highball makes the whole world spin.
+
+A MAN'S sense of honor is so peculiar that it gets out of working
+condition the minute he comes near a pretty woman.
+
+THE man who kisses a woman at the first opportunity is either a fool or
+a cad; the man who waits for the second opportunity is a philosopher;
+the man who waits for the third opportunity is a speculator; and the man
+who waits any longer is--a freak.
+
+THE girl who has entertained her fiance every evening for a three years'
+engagement may console herself with the hope that she won't be liable to
+see so much of him after marriage.
+
+'TIS best for a man to be square, but a woman is more lucky to be round.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHEN a man has waked up the whole family and half the neighborhood
+flinging empty beer bottles at a cat on the back fence he feels so
+refreshed that he can go right back to sleep and snore straight through
+a fire or a thunderstorm.
+
+IN the face of a man's childlike vanity it is so difficult for a girl to
+decide to be ready when he arrives and thereby look as though she had
+been waiting for him, or to keep him waiting and look as though she had
+been primping for him.
+
+A MAN will tell his troubles first to his God, next to his lawyer, then
+to his valet, and lastly--to his wife.
+
+A LITTLE "absent treatment" now and then is the best tonic for conjugal
+love; an ounce of summer vacation is worth a pound of divorce.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT may cause a man sincere regret to get into a foolish flirtation, but
+the only thing that causes him real downright repentance is not to be
+able to get out of it.
+
+TO fascinate an intelligent man pretend to be silly; to attract a good
+man pretend to be naughty; to win a fool pretend to be clever; and to
+charm the devil pretend to be a saint.
+
+A GIRL loves to spell her soul out on paper, but a man can't see the use
+of writing a love-letter when he can compress his whole passion into one
+paragraph on a post card.
+
+IT is a sad fact that two people who go into matrimony with the noble
+idea of sharing one another's joys and ambitions so often end by sharing
+nothing but one another's towels and brushes and grouches.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A MODERN love affair is something like English plum pudding: it contains
+very little spice and sweetness and is mostly a matter of "dough."
+
+A FLIRT and his conscience are soon parted.
+
+A MAN'S idea of constancy is being perfectly devoted to some woman who
+is either dead or too indifferent to demand anything of him.
+
+THE whole art of winning at either cards or love consists in keeping a
+level head and not taking the game seriously; but, alas--when a man is
+playing for money and a woman for matrimony they are bound to take it
+seriously.
+
+WHEN mothers-in-law come in at the door love flies out at the window.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A CLEVER woman can sometimes make a fool of a man, but it takes a fluffy
+little thing with a baby face and no brains or morals to speak of to
+make him make a fool of himself.
+
+FAINT praise ne'er won fair lady.
+
+GOING through life without love is like going through a good dinner
+without an appetite--everything seems so flat and tasteless.
+
+IT is most provoking to a woman who is winning in a quarrel to have a
+man suddenly turn round and take the argument right out of her
+mouth--with a kiss.
+
+WHERE do all of the lost hearts go? Well, most of the masculine ones go
+"down where the Wurzburger flows."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE hardest problem of a girl's life is to find out why a man seems
+bored if she doesn't respond to him and frightened if she does.
+
+MENTAL science never cured a man of love-sickness, because in the
+average man's love mentality plays so small a part.
+
+A MARRIED woman has an awfully small chance of learning anything about
+her husband's English vocabulary, for the simple reason that he never
+addresses her except in baby talk or swear words.
+
+A $30-A-WEEK clerk always feels it incumbent to take a girl to the
+theatre in a taxicab. It requires a bona-fide millionaire to drag her
+about in a five-cent street car with perfect eclat and no apologies.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WHETHER a girl looks indignant or happy after you have kissed her
+depends a great deal on how long she has been waiting for you to get up
+the courage to do it.
+
+TURNED-DOWN lovers tell no tales.
+
+WHEN a woman says "There are no secrets between my husband and me," it
+is a sure sign that she hasn't found out any of his.
+
+THERE are dozens of systems for winning at roulette, but the only system
+for winning at love is systematic flattery.
+
+LOVE in a cottage doesn't seem so appalling when you come to consider
+that there is such a thing as matrimony in a modern flat.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NO MAN is a really artistic lover who hasn't enough dramatic instinct to
+forget all other women while he is making love to one.
+
+IF it weren't for the tiresome wedding journey and the monotonous
+honeymoon, bridal couples could begin being happy right away.
+
+EVEN though the dulcet iciness in her voice ought to be more effective
+than a shriek of warning, a man will go right on telling his stout,
+blonde wife that she ought to dress like the slim brunette next door.
+
+THERE is something about a wife's tears that washes all the color and
+starch out of a man's love.
+
+WHEN married people can't come to terms marriage should come to a
+termination.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE longest way round matrimony is the shortest way to happiness.
+
+THE reason a man is so often tempted is because most of the time that is
+what he is sitting around waiting for.
+
+FROM the stony silence into which the average husband sinks after the
+honeymoon there must be something almost unspeakable about matrimony.
+
+A WOMAN looks upon her first kiss as a consecration; a man regards it as
+a desecration.
+
+TIME and tide wait for no man, but the untied woman has to wait for any
+man who chooses to keep her waiting.
+
+IN fashionable circles one wife and a dog constitute a "family."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IT MAY be very noble of a man to have no secrets from the woman he
+loves, but it's rather hard on all the other women he has gotten over
+loving.
+
+A MAN who can marry the right girl and won't marry her somehow always
+ends by being made to marry the wrong one.
+
+MANY a good husband hasn't the nerve or the courage to be anything else.
+
+WIDOWS have all the honors without any of the trials of matrimony; a
+live husband is sometimes a necessity, but a dead one is a real luxury.
+
+MANY a man's idea of a wife is something decorative to be kept around
+the house and only taken out on show occasions like the jewels in his
+safe and the horses in his racing stable.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IN olden times sacrifices were made at the altar--a custom which is
+still continued.
+
+OF course every woman knows that the man she loves is a "brute"--but
+unfortunately that is one of the reasons why she loves him.
+
+THE kind of woman who holds a man's devotion forever is like a silky,
+self-satisfied Angora cat who takes her petting as a matter of course,
+never returns it, and never gets on his nerve by asking for more.
+
+IT isn't so much a man's sins and failings, but the air of conscious
+pride with which he accepts her comments on them that a woman can't
+forgive.
+
+THAT will be a great novel in which the author can make the man who owns
+the machine as fascinating as the chauffeur.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+EVERY man honestly believes that franchise in the hands of a woman is
+like a loaded gun in the hands of a small boy--utterly useless and sure
+to do damage to somebody.
+
+WAD some power the giftie gie us to see ourselves as men's mothers see
+us--but it wouldn't make us happy.
+
+ONE reason why a dainty little thing like a woman wastes her love on
+man-creature with a rough chin, stubbly hair and a smell of tobacco
+about his clothes is that he is the only thing in that line.
+
+A MAN will forgive a woman for almost any indiscretion sooner than for
+leaving her hair in the comb and for breaking the Ten Commandments
+sooner than for leaving her hot curling tongs where his fingers can get
+on them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE man who tries to mix his women friends has about the same
+unfortunate results as the man who tries to mix his drinks.
+
+'TIS better to have kissed and paid the cost than never to have kissed
+at all.
+
+THE word "court," whether it refers to the way her husband won her or
+the place where he lost her, always has a pleasant sound to a grass
+widow.
+
+IF a woman could veil her thoughts and feelings as effectively as she
+veils her face she would be so fascinating that no man could resist her.
+
+WHEN it comes to love-making men are so unoriginal, that a sage, a fool
+and a "lovers' letter-writer" all sound exactly alike.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HUSBANDS are like Christmas gifts: you can't choose them; you've just
+got to sit down and wait until they arrive and then appear perfectly
+delighted with what you get.
+
+THE only way to be happy with a husband is to learn to be happy without
+him most of the time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Book title was added to top of text so that it did not begin only with
+the quotes printed on the inside covers.
+
+Page 97, "marying" changed to "marrying" (idea in marrying a)
+
+Page 98, opening quotation mark added ("THE worst of certainty)
+
+Page 115, "blond" changed to "blonde" (blonde wife that she)
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, by Helen Rowland
+
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