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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced from the 1919 Harper and Brothers edition by +David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT + +by John Kendrick Bangs + + + + +CHAPTER I: THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION + + + +The House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the +River Styx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn from +its moorings and navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful +pirate Captain Kidd, aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly +inhabitants of Hades. Like a thief in the night had they come, and +for no better reason than that the Captain had been unanimously voted +a shade too shady to associate with self-respecting spirits had they +made off with the happy floating club-house of their betters; and +worst of all, with them, by force of circumstances over which they +had no control, had sailed also the fair Queen Elizabeth, the +spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded and beautiful woman +of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof were rendered desolate. + +"I can't stand it!" cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his +accustomed grace he presided over a special meeting of the club, +called on the bank of the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the +missing boat had been moored. "Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of +England, Calpurnia of Rome, Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious +jewel in our social diadem gone, vanished completely; and with whom? +Kidd, of all men in the universe! Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian--" + +"Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates, cheerfully. +"What's the use of going into hysterics? You are not a woman, and +should eschew that luxury. Xanthippe is with them, and I'll warrant +you that when that cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the +effects of the sea, say the third day out, Kidd and his crew will be +walking the plank, and voluntarily at that." + +"But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. "That was my +delight. It reminded me in some respects of the Ark." + +"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore," +retorted Socrates. "For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a +club to go to; I can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and +straight. Xanthippe always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of +one quart of water to the finger." + +"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Caesar firmly, +"therefore we are not all satisfied with the situation. I, for one, +quite agree with Sir Walter that something must be done, and quickly. +Are we to sit here and do nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our +wives with impunity?" + +"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has +arrived. All things considered, he is welcome to Marie Louise, but +the idea of Josephine going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my +heart." + +"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do +something if it is only for the sake of appearances. The question +really is, what shall be done first?" + +"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering +the matter of further action afterwards," suggested Shakespeare, and +it was this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the +necessity for immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called +for their various favorite beverages it was found that there were +none to be had, it being Sunday, and all the establishments wherein +liquid refreshments were licensed to be sold being closed--for at the +time of writing the local government of Hades was in the hands of the +reform party. + +"What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol, +Sundays? Then the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe +comes with it or not. Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after +all. This ruffian should be captured at once and made an example +of." + +"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah--pray speak in +Greek hereafter, will you, please? When you attempt English you have +a beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are +offensive to the ear of a purist." + +"This is no time to discuss style, Murray," interposed Sir Walter. +"Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases; he may even +part his infinitives in the middle, for all I care. We have affairs +of greater moment in hand." + +"We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that +boat. I'm dry as a fish." + +"There he goes again!" growled Murray. "Dry as a fish! What fish, +I'd like to know, is dry?" + +"Red herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at the +expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown more and +more melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined. + +"Then it is settled," said Raleigh; "something must be done. And now +the point is, what?" + +"Relief expeditions have a way of finding things," suggested Dr. +Livingstone. "Or rather of being found by the things they go out to +relieve. I propose that we send out a number of them. I will take +Africa; Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General +Washington may have North America; and--" + +"I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, "but have you any idea, Dr. +Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House-boat of +ours, and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels?" + +"No such absurd idea ever entered my head," retorted the Doctor. + +"Do you, then, believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged +in the pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing down the +Alps?" persisted the philosopher. + +"Not at all. Why do you ask?" queried the African explorer, +irritably. + +"Because I wish to know," said Johnson. "That is always my motive in +asking questions. You propose to go looking for a house-boat in +Central Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in +search of it through Europe--all of which strikes me as nonsense. +This search is the work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers. You might +as well ask Confucius to look for it in the heart of China. What +earthly use there is in ransacking the earth I fail to see. What we +need is a navel expedition to scour the sea, unless it is pretty well +understood in advance that we believe Kidd has hauled the boat out of +the water, and is now using it for a roller-skating rink or a bicycle +academy in Ohio, or for some other purpose for which neither he nor +it was designed." + +"Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had been +sitting upon the string-piece of the pier, quietly, but with very +evident interest, listening to the discussion. He was a tall and +excessively slender shade, "like a spirt of steam out of a teapot," +as Johnson put it afterwards, so slight he seemed. "I have not the +honor of being a member of this association," the stranger continued, +"but, like all well-ordered shades, I aspire to the distinction, and +I hold myself and my talents at the disposal of this club. I fancy +it will not take us long to establish our initial point, which is +that the gross person who has so foully appropriated your property to +his own base uses does not contemplate removing it from its keel and +placing it somewhere inland. All the evidence in hand points to a +radically different conclusion, which is my sole reason for doubting +the value of that conclusion. Captain Kidd is a seafarer by +instinct, not a landsman. The House-boat is not a house, but a boat; +therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson so well +says, in the Sahara Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio, +but upon the high sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of the +world's great cities." + +"And what, then, would be your plan?" asked Sir Walter, impressed by +the stranger's manner as well as by the very manifest reason in all +that he had said. + +"The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped for +the purpose of pursuit. Ascertain whither the House-boat has sailed, +for what port, and start at once. Have you a model of the House-boat +within reach?" returned the stranger. + +"I think not; we have the architect's plans, however," said the +chairman. + +"We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demosthenes, who was secretary of the +House Committee, rising, "but they are gone with the House-boat +itself. They were kept in the safe in the hold." + +A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger. + +"That's too bad," he said. "It was a most important part of my plan +that we should know about how fast the House-boat was." + +"Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed sarcasm. "If you'll +take Xanthippe's word for it, the House-boat was the fastest yacht +afloat." + +"I refer to the matter of speed in sailing," returned the stranger, +quietly. "The question of its ethical speed has nothing to do with +it." + +"The designer of the craft is here," said Sir Walter, fixing his eyes +upon Sir Christopher Wren. "It is possible that he may be of +assistance in settling that point." + +"What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr. +Chairman?" asked Solomon, rising impatiently and addressing Sir +Walter. "We aren't preparing for a yacht-race, that I know of. +Nobody's after a cup, or a championship of any kind. What we do want +is to get our wives back. The Captain hasn't taken more than half of +mine along with him, but I am interested none the less. The Queen of +Sheba is on board, and I am somewhat interested in her fate. So I +ask you what earthly or unearthly use there is in discussing this +question of speed in the House-boat. It strikes me as a woful waste +of time, and rather unprecedented too, that we should suspend all +rules and listen to the talk of an entire stranger." + +"I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon," said Johnson, +dryly, "but I must say that the gentleman's remarks rather interest +me." + +"Of course they do," ejaculated Solomon. "He agreed with you. That +ought to make him interesting to everybody. Freaks usually are." + +"That is not the reason at all," retorted Dr. Johnson. "Cold water +agrees with me, but it doesn't interest me. What I do think, +however, is that our unknown friend seems to have a grasp on the +situation by which we are confronted, and he's going at the matter in +hand in a very comprehensive fashion. I move, therefore, that +Solomon be laid on the table, and that the privileges of the--ah--of +the wharf be extended indefinitely to our friend on the string- +piece." + +The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the stranger +resumed. + +"I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon, whose +wisdom I have always admired, and whose endurance as the husband of +three hundred wives has filled me with wonder," he said, "that before +starting in pursuit of the stolen vessel we must select a craft of +some sort for the purpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is +quite essential that we should choose a vessel of greater speed than +the one we desire to overtake. It would hardly be proper, I think, +if the House-boat can sail four knots an hour to attempt to overhaul +her with a launch, or other nautical craft, with a maximum speed of +two knots an hour." + +"Hear! hear!" ejaculated Caesar. + +"That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed of +your late club-house," said the stranger, bowing courteously to +Solomon. "Now, if Sir Christopher Wren can give me her measurements, +we can very soon determine at about what rate she is leaving us +behind under favorable circumstances." + +"'Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the sort," +said Noah, rising and manifesting somewhat more heat than the +occasion seemed to require. "As long as we are discussing the +question I will take the liberty of stating what I have never +mentioned before, that the designer of the House-boat merely +appropriated the lines of the Ark. Shem, Ham, and Japhet will bear +testimony to the truth of that statement." + +"There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr. Chairman," assented Sir +Christopher, with cutting frigidity. "I am perfectly willing to +admit that practically the two vessels were built on the same lines, +but with modifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty +miles to windward and back in six days' less time than it would have +taken the Ark to cover the same distance, and it could have taken all +the wash of the excursion steamers into the bargain." + +"Bosh!" ejaculated Noah, angrily. "Strip your old tub down to a +flying balloon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with +elephants until every inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and +she'd outfoot you on every leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr. Give me +the Ark and a breeze, and your House-boat wouldn't be within hailing +distance of her five minutes after the start if she had 40,000 square +yards of canvas spread before a gale." + +"This discussion is waxing very unprofitable," observed Confucius. +"If these gentlemen cannot be made to confine themselves to the +subject that is agitating this body, I move we call in the +authorities and have them confined in the bottomless pit." + +"I did not precipitate the quarrel," said Noah. "I was merely trying +to assist our friend on the string-piece. I was going to say that as +the Ark was probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christopher +Wren's--tub, which he himself says can take care of all the wash of +the excursion boats, thereby becoming on his own admission a wash- +tub--" + +"Order! order!" cried Sir Christopher. + +"I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled by a +launch or any other craft with a speed of thirty knots a mouth," +continued Noah, ignoring the interruption. + +"Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!" sneered Sir +Christopher. + +"Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, I'll admit," +retorted Noah, "if she'd sprung a leak at the right time." + +"Granting the truth of Noah's statement," said Sir Walter, motioning +to the angry architect to be quiet--"not that we take any side in the +issue between the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument- +-I wish to ask the stranger who has been good enough to interest +himself in our trouble what he proposes to do--how can you establish +your course in case a boat were provided?" + +"Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?" put in Shylock. + +A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark. + +"The cost need not trouble you, sir," said Sir Walter, indignantly, +addressing the stranger; "you will have carte blanche." + +"Den ve are ruint!" cried Shylock, displaying his palms, and showing +by that act a select assortment of diamond rings. + +"Oh," laughed the stranger, "that is a simple matter. Captain Kidd +has gone to London." + +"To London!" cried several members at once. "How do you know that?" + +"By this," said the stranger, holding up the tiny stub end of a +cigar. + +"Tut-tut!" ejaculated Solomon. "What child's play is this!" + +"No, your Majesty," observed the stranger, "it is not child's play; +it is fact. That cigar end was thrown aside here on the wharf by +Captain Kidd just before he stepped on board the House-boat." + +"How do you know that?" demanded Raleigh. "And granting the truth of +the assertion, what does it prove?" + +"I will tell you," said the stranger. And he at once proceeded as +follows. + + + +CHAPTER II: THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF + + + +"I have made a hobby of the study of cigar ends," said the stranger, +as the Associated Shades settled back to hear his account of himself. +"From my earliest youth, when I used surreptitiously to remove the +unsmoked ends of my father's cigars and break them up, and, in +hiding, smoke them in an old clay pipe which I had presented to me by +an ancient sea-captain of my acquaintance, I have been interested in +tobacco in all forms, even including these self-same despised +unsmoked ends; for they convey to my mind messages, sentiments, +farces, comedies, and tragedies which to your minds would never +become manifest through their agency." + +The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a more +compact mass about the speaker. It was evident that they were +beginning to feel an unusual interest in this extraordinary person, +who had come among them unheralded and unknown. Even Shylock stopped +calculating percentages for an instant to listen. + +"Do you mean to tell us," demanded Shakespeare, "that the unsmoked +stub of a cigar will suggest the story of him who smoked it to your +mind?" + +"I do," replied the stranger, with a confident smile. "Take this +one, for instance, that I have picked up here upon the wharf; it +tells me the whole story of the intentions of Captain Kidd at the +moment when, in utter disregard of your rights, he stepped aboard +your House-boat, and, in his usual piratical fashion, made off with +it into unknown seas." + +"But how do you know he smoked it?" asked Solomon, who deemed it the +part of wisdom to be suspicious of the stranger. + +"There are two curious indentations in it which prove that. The +marks of two teeth, with a hiatus between, which you will see if you +look closely," said the stranger, handing the small bit of tobacco to +Sir Walter, "make that point evident beyond peradventure. The +Captain lost an eye-tooth in one of his later raids; it was knocked +out by a marine-spike which had been hurled at him by one of the crew +of the treasure-ship he and his followers had attacked. The adjacent +teeth were broken, but not removed. The cigar end bears the marks of +those two jagged molars, with the hiatus, which, as I have indicated, +is due to the destruction of the eye-tooth between them. It is not +likely that there was another man in the pirate's crew with teeth +exactly like the commander's, therefore I say there can be no doubt +that the cigar end was that of the Captain himself." + +"Very interesting indeed," observed Blackstone, removing his wig and +fanning himself with it; "but I must confess, Mr. Chairman, that in +any properly constituted law court this evidence would long since +have been ruled out as irrelevant and absurd. The idea of two or +three hundred dignified spirits like ourselves, gathered together to +devise a means for the recovery of our property and the rescue of our +wives, yielding the floor to the delivering of a lecture by an entire +stranger on 'Cigar Ends He Has Met,' strikes me as ridiculous in the +extreme. Of what earthly interest is it to us to know that this or +that cigar was smoked by Captain Kidd?" + +"Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover the +whereabouts of the said Kidd," interposed the stranger. "It is by +trifles, seeming trifles, that the greatest detective work is done. +My friends Le Coq, Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth will bear me out in this, +I think, however much in other respects our methods may have +differed. They left no stone unturned in the pursuit of a criminal; +no detail, however trifling, uncared for. No more should we in the +present instance overlook the minutest bit of evidence, however +irrelevant and absurd at first blush it may appear to be. The truth +of what I say was very effectually proven in the strange case of the +Brokedale tiara, in which I figured somewhat conspicuously, but which +have never made public, because it involves a secret affecting the +integrity of one of the noblest families in the British Empire. I +really believe that mystery was solved easily and at once because I +happened to remember that the number of my watch was 86507B. How +trivial and yet how important it was, to what then transpired, you +will realize when I tell you the incident." + +The stranger's manner was so impressive that there was a unanimous +and simultaneous movement upon the part of all present to get up +closer, so as the more readily to hear what he said, as a result of +which poor old Boswell was pushed overboard, and fell, with a loud +splash into the Styx. Fortunately, however, one of Charon's +pleasure-boats was close at hand, and in a short while the dripping, +sputtering spirit was drawn into it, wrung out, and sent home to dry. +The excitement attending this diversion having subsided, Solomon +asked: + +"What was the incident of the lost tiara?" + +"I am about to tell you," returned the stranger; "and it must be +understood that you are told in the strictest confidence, for, as I +say, the incident involves a state secret of great magnitude. In +life--in the mortal life--gentlemen, I was a detective by profession, +and, if I do say it, who perhaps should not, I was one of the most +interesting for purely literary purposes that has ever been known. I +did not find it necessary to go about saying 'Ha! ha!' as M. Le Coq +was accustomed to do to advertise his cleverness; neither did I +disguise myself as a drum-major and hide under a kitchen-table for +the purpose of solving a mystery involving the abduction of a parlor +stove, after the manner of the talented Hawkshaw. By mental +concentration alone, without fireworks or orchestral accompaniment of +any sort whatsoever, did I go about my business, and for that very +reason many of my fellow-sleuths were forced to go out of real +detective work into that line of the business with which the stage +has familiarized the most of us--a line in which nothing but +stupidity, luck, and a yellow wig is required of him who pursues it." + +"This man is an impostor," whispered Le Coq to Hawkshaw. + +"I've known that all along by the mole on his left wrist," returned +Hawkshaw, contemptuously. + +"I suspected it the minute I saw he was not disguised," returned Le +Coq, knowingly. "I have observed that the greatest villains latterly +have discarded disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and +therefore of no avail, and merely a useless expense." + +"Silence!" cried Confucius, impatiently. "How can the gentleman +proceed, with all this conversation going on in the rear?" + +Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately subsided, and the stranger went on. + +"It was in this way that I treated the strange case of the lost +tiara," resumed the stranger. "Mental concentration upon seemingly +insignificant details alone enabled me to bring about the desired +results in that instance. A brief outline of the case is as follows: +It was late one evening in the early spring of 1894. The London +season was at its height. Dances, fetes of all kinds, opera, and the +theatres were in full blast, when all of a sudden society was +paralyzed by a most audacious robbery. A diamond tiara valued at +50,000 pounds sterling had been stolen from the Duchess of Brokedale, +and under circumstances which threw society itself and every +individual in it under suspicion--even his Royal Highness the Prince +himself, for he had danced frequently with the Duchess, and was known +to be a great admirer of her tiara. It was at half-past eleven +o'clock at night that the news of the robbery first came to my ears. +I had been spending the evening alone in my library making notes for +a second volume of my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, I was +on the point of going out for my usual midnight walk on Hampstead +Heath, when one of my servants, hastily entering, informed me of the +robbery. I changed my mind in respect to my midnight walk +immediately upon receipt of the news, for I knew that before one +o'clock some one would call upon me at my lodgings with reference to +this robbery. It could not be otherwise. Any mystery of such +magnitude could no more be taken to another bureau than elephants +could fly--" + +"They used to," said Adam. "I once had a whole aviary full of winged +elephants. They flew from flower to flower, and thrusting their +probabilities deep into--" + +"Their what?" queried Johnson, with a frown. + +"Probabilities--isn't that the word? Their trunks," said Adam. + +"Probosces, I imagine you mean," suggested Johnson. + +"Yes--that was it. Their probosces," said Adam. "They were great +honey-gatherers, those elephants--far better than the bees, because +they could make so much more of it in a given time." + +Munchausen shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid I'm outclassed by these +antediluvians," he said. + +"Gentlemen! gentlemen!" cried Sir Walter. "These interruptions are +inexcusable!" + +"That's what I think," said the stranger, with some asperity. "I'm +having about as hard a time getting this story out as I would if it +were a serial. Of course, if you gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I +can stop; but it must be understood that when I do stop I stop +finally, once and for all, because the tale has not a sufficiency of +dramatic climaxes to warrant its prolongation over the usual magazine +period of twelve months." + +"Go on! go on!" cried some. + +"Shut up!" cried others--addressing the interrupting members, of +course. + +"As I was saying," resumed the stranger, "I felt confident that +within an hour, in some way or other, that case would be placed in my +hands. It would be mine either positively or negatively--that is to +say, either the person robbed would employ me to ferret out the +mystery and recover the diamonds, or the robber himself, actuated by +motives of self-preservation, would endeavor to direct my energies +into other channels until he should have the time to dispose of his +ill-gotten booty. A mental discussion of the probabilities inclined +me to believe that the latter would be the case. I reasoned in this +fashion: The person robbed is of exalted rank. She cannot move +rapidly because she is so. Great bodies move slowly. It is probable +that it will be a week before, according to the etiquette by which +she is hedged about, she can communicate with me. In the first +place, she must inform one of her attendants that she has been +robbed. He must communicate the news to the functionary in charge of +her residence, who will communicate with the Home Secretary, and from +him will issue the orders to the police, who, baffled at every step, +will finally address themselves to me. 'I'll give that side two +weeks,' I said. On the other hand, the robber: will he allow +himself to be lulled into a false sense of security by counting on +this delay, or will he not, noting my habit of occasionally entering +upon detective enterprises of this nature of my own volition, come to +me at once and set me to work ferreting out some crime that has never +been committed? My feeling was that this would happen, and I pulled +out my watch to see if it were not nearly time for him to arrive. +The robbery had taken place at a state ball at the Buckingham Palace. +'H'm!' I mused. 'He has had an hour and forty minutes to get here. +It is now twelve-twenty. He should be here by twelve-forty-five. I +will wait.' And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself +up for the meeting, I sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer. +Hardly had I perused a page when there came a tap upon my door. I +rose with a smile, for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened +the door, and there stood, much to my surprise, the husband of the +lady whose tiara was missing. It was the Duke of Brokedale himself. +It is true he was disguised. His beard was powdered until it looked +like snow, and he wore a wig and a pair of green goggles; but I +recognized him at once by his lack of manners, which is an +unmistakable sign of nobility. As I opened the door, he began: + +"'You are Mr.--' + +"'I am,' I replied. 'Come in. You have come to see me about your +stolen watch. It is a gold hunting-case watch with a Swiss movement; +loses five minutes a day; stem-winder; and the back cover, which does +not bear any inscription, has upon it the indentations made by the +molars of your son Willie when that interesting youth was cutting his +teeth upon it.'" + +"Wonderful!" cried Johnson. + +"May I ask how you knew all that?" asked Solomon, deeply impressed. +"Such penetration strikes me as marvellous." + +"I didn't know it," replied the stranger, with a smile. "What I said +was intended to be jocular, and to put Brokedale at his ease. The +Americans present, with their usual astuteness, would term it bluff. +It was. I merely rattled on. I simply did not wish to offend the +gentleman by letting him know that I had penetrated his disguise. +Imagine my surprise, however, when his eye brightened as I spoke, and +he entered my room with such alacrity that half the powder which he +thought disguised his beard was shaken off on to the floor. Sitting +down in the chair I had just vacated, he quietly remarked: + +"'You are a wonderful man, sir. How did you know that I had lost my +watch?' + +"For a moment I was nonplussed; more than that, I was completely +staggered. I had expected him to say at once that he had not lost +his watch, but had come to see me about the tiara; and to have him +take my words seriously was entirely unexpected and overwhelmingly +surprising. However, in view of his rank, I deemed it well to fall +in with his humour. 'Oh, as for that,' I replied, 'that is a part of +my business. It is the detective's place to know everything; and +generally, if he reveals the machinery by means of which he reaches +his conclusions, he is a fool, since his method is his secret, and +his secret his stock-in-trade. I do not mind telling you, however, +that I knew your watch was stolen by your anxious glance at my clock, +which showed that you wished to know the time. Now most rich +Americans have watches for that purpose, and have no hesitation about +showing them. If you'd had a watch, you'd have looked at it, not at +my clock.' + +"My visitor laughed, and repeated what he had said about my being a +wonderful man. + +"'And the dents which my son made cutting his teeth?' he added. + +"'Invariably go with an American's watch. Rubber or ivory rings +aren't good enough for American babies to chew on,' said I. 'They +must have gold watches or nothing.' + +"'And finally, how did you know I was a rich American?' he asked. + +"'Because no other can afford to stop at hotels like the Savoy in the +height of the season,' I replied, thinking that the jest would end +there, and that he would now reveal his identity and speak of the +tiara. To my surprise, however, he did nothing of the sort. + +"'You have an almost supernatural gift,' he said. 'My name is +Bunker. I am stopping at the Savoy. I AM an American. I WAS rich +when I arrived here, but I'm not quite so bloated with wealth as I +was, now that I have paid my first week's bill. I HAVE lost my +watch; such a watch, too, as you describe, even to the dents. Your +only mistake was that the dents were made by my son John, and not +Willie; but even there I cannot but wonder at you, for John and +Willie are twins, and so much alike that it sometimes baffles even +their mother to tell them apart. The watch has no very great value +intrinsically, but the associations are such that I want it back, and +I will pay 200 pounds for its recovery. I have no clew as to who +took it. It was numbered--' + +"Here a happy thought struck me. In all my description of the watch +I had merely described my own, a very cheap affair which I had won at +a raffle. My visitor was deceiving me, though for what purpose I did +not on the instant divine. No one would like to suspect him of +having purloined his wife's tiara. Why should I not deceive him, and +at the same time get rid of my poor chronometer for a sum that +exceeded its value a hundredfold?" + +"Good business!" cried Shylock. + +The stranger smiled and bowed. + +"Excellent," he said. "I took the words right out of his mouth. 'It +was numbered 86507B!' I cried, giving, of course, the number of my +own watch. + +"He gazed at me narrowly for a moment, and then he smiled. 'You grow +more marvellous at every step. That was indeed the number. Are you +a demon?' + +"'No,' I replied. 'Only something of a mind-reader.' + +"Well, to be brief, the bargain was struck. I was to look for a +watch that I knew he hadn't lost, and was to receive 200 pounds if I +found it. It seemed to him to be a very good bargain, as, indeed, it +was, from his point of view, feeling, as he did, that there never +having been any such watch, it could not be recovered, and little +suspecting that two could play at his little game of deception, and +that under any circumstances I could foist a ten-shilling watch upon +him for two hundred pounds. This business concluded, he started to +go. + +"'Won't you have a little Scotch?' I asked, as he started, feeling, +with all that prospective profit in view, I could well afford the +expense. 'It is a stormy night.' + +"'Thanks, I will,' said he, returning and seating himself by my +table--still, to my surprise, keeping his hat on. + +"'Let me take your hat,' I said, little thinking that my courtesy +would reveal the true state of affairs. The mere mention of the word +hat brought about a terrible change in my visitor; his knees +trembled, his face grew ghastly, and he clutched the brim of his +beaver until it cracked. He then nervously removed it, and I noticed +a dull red mark running about his forehead, just as there would be on +the forehead of a man whose hat fitted too tightly; and that mark, +gentlemen, had the undulating outline of nothing more nor less than a +tiara, and on the apex of the uttermost extremity was a deep +indentation about the size of a shilling, that could have been made +only by some adamantine substance! The mystery was solved! The +robber of the Duchess of Brokedale stood before me." + +A suppressed murmur of excitement went through the assembled spirits, +and even Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le Coq were silent in the presence of +such genius. + +"My plan of action was immediately formulated. The man was +completely at my mercy. He had stolen the tiara, and had it +concealed in the lining of his hat. I rose and locked the door. My +visitor sank with a groan into my chair. + +"'Why did you do that?' he stammered, as I turned the key in the +lock. + +"'To keep my Scotch whiskey from evaporating,' I said, dryly. 'Now, +my lord,' I added, 'it will pay your Grace to let me have your hat. +I know who you are. You are the Duke of Brokedale. The Duchess of +Brokedale has lost a valuable tiara of diamonds, and you have not +lost your watch. Somebody has stolen the diamonds, and it may be +that somewhere there is a Bunker who has lost such a watch as I have +described. The queer part of it all is,' I continued, handing him +the decanter, and taking a couple of loaded six-shooters out of my +escritoire--'the queer part of it all is that I have the watch and +you have the tiara. We'll swap the swag. Hand over the bauble, +please.' + +"'But--' he began. + +"'We won't have any butting, your Grace,' said I. 'I'll give you the +watch, and you needn't mind the 200 pounds; and you must give me the +tiara, or I'll accompany you forthwith to the police, and have a +search made of your hat. It won't pay you to defy me. Give it up.' + +"He gave up the hat at once, and, as I suspected, there lay the +tiara, snugly stowed away behind the head-band. + +"'You are a great fellow,' said I, as I held the tiara up to the +light and watched with pleasure the flashing brilliance of its gems. + +"'I beg you'll not expose me,' he moaned. 'I was driven to it by +necessity.' + +"'Not I,' I replied. 'As long as you play fair it will be all right. +I'm not going to keep this thing. I'm not married, and so have no +use for such a trifle; but what I do intend is simply to wait until +your wife retains me to find it, and then I'll find it and get the +reward. If you keep perfectly still, I'll have it found in such a +fashion that you'll never be suspected. If, on the other hand, you +say a word about to-night's events, I'll hand you over to the +police.' + +"'Humph!' he said. 'You couldn't prove a case against me.' + +"'I can prove any case against anybody,' I retorted. 'If you don't +believe it, read my book,' I added, and I handed him a copy of my +memoirs. + +"'I've read it,' he answered, 'and I ought to have known better than +to come here. I thought you were only a literary success.' And with +a deep-drawn sigh he took the watch and went out. Ten days later I +was retained by the Duchess, and after a pretended search of ten days +more I found the tiara, restored it to the noble lady, and received +the 5000 pounds reward. The Duke kept perfectly quiet about our +little encounter, and afterwards we became stanch friends; for he was +a good fellow, and was driven to his desperate deed only by the +demands of his creditors, and the following Christmas he sent me the +watch I had given him, with the best wishes of the season. + +"So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, by quick wit and a mental +concentration of no mean order, combined with strict observance of +the pettiest details, I ferreted out what bade fair to become a great +diamond mystery; and when I say that this cigar end proves certain +things to my mind, it does not become you to doubt the value of my +conclusions." + +"Hear! hear!" cried Raleigh, growing tumultuous with enthusiasm. + +"Your name? your name?" came from all parts of the wharf. + +The stranger, putting his hand into the folds of his coat, drew forth +a bundle of business cards, which he tossed, as the prestidigitator +tosses playing-cards, out among the audience, and on each of them was +found printed the words: + + +SHERLOCK HOLMES, +DETECTIVE. +FERRETING DONE HERE. +Plots for Sale. + + +"I think he made a mistake in not taking the 200 pounds for the +watch. Such carelessness destroys my confidence in him," said +Shylock, who was the first to recover from the surprise of the +revelation. + + + +CHAPTER III: THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED + + + +"Well, Mr. Holmes," said Sir Walter Raleigh, after three rousing +cheers, led by Hamlet, had been given with a will by the assembled +spirits, "after this demonstration in your honor I think it is hardly +necessary for me to assure you of our hearty co-operation in anything +you may venture to suggest. There is still manifest, however, some +desire on the part of the ever-wise King Solomon and my friend +Confucius to know how you deduce that Kidd has sailed for London, +from the cigar end which you hold in your hand." + +"I can easily satisfy their curiosity," said Sherlock Holmes, +genially. "I believe I have already proven that it is the end of +Kidd's cigar. The marks of the teeth have shown that. Now observe +how closely it is smoked--there is barely enough of it left for one +to insert between his teeth. Now Captain Kidd would hardly have +risked the edges of his mustache and the comfort of his lips by +smoking a cigar down to the very light if he had had another; nor +would he under any circumstances have smoked it that far unless he +were passionately addicted to this particular brand of the weed. +Therefore I say to you, first, this was his cigar; second, it was the +last one he had; third, he is a confirmed smoker. The result, he has +gone to the one place in the world where these Connecticut hand- +rolled Havana cigars--for I recognize this as one of them--have a +real popularity, and are therefore more certainly obtainable, and +that is at London. You cannot get so vile a cigar as that outside of +a London hotel. If I could have seen a quarter-inch more of it, I +should have been able definitely to locate the hotel itself. The +wrappers unroll to a degree that varies perceptibly as between the +different hotels. The Fortuna cigar can be smoked a quarter through +before its wrapper gives way; the Felix wrapper goes as soon as you +light the cigar; whereas the River, fronting on the Thames, is +surrounded by a moister atmosphere than the others, and, as a +consequence, the wrapper will hold really until most people are +willing to throw the whole thing away." + +"It is really a wonderful art!" said Solomon. + +"The making of a Connecticut Havana cigar?" laughed Holmes. "Not at +all. Give me a head of lettuce and a straw, and I'll make you a +box." + +"I referred to your art--that of detection," said Solomon. "Your +logic is perfect; step by step we have been led to the irresistible +conclusion that Kidd has made for London, and can be found at one of +these hotels." + +"And only until next Tuesday, when he will take a house in the +neighborhood of Scotland Yard," put in Holmes, quickly, observing a +sneer on Hawkshaw's lips, and hastening to overwhelm him by further +evidence of his ingenuity. "When he gets his bill he will open his +piratical eyes so wide that he will be seized with jealousy to think +of how much more refined his profession has become since he left it, +and out of mere pique he will leave the hotel, and, to show himself +still cleverer than his modern prototypes, he will leave his account +unpaid, with the result that the affair will be put in the hands of +the police, under which circumstances a house in the immediate +vicinity of the famous police headquarters will be the safest hiding- +place he can find, as was instanced by the remarkable case of the +famous Penstock bond robbery. A certain churchwarden named Hinkley, +having been appointed cashier thereof, robbed the Penstock Imperial +Bank of 1,000,000 pounds in bonds, and, fleeing to London, actually +joined the detective force at Scotland Yard, and was detailed to find +himself, which of course he never did, nor would he ever have been +found had he not crossed my path." + +Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into space, and Le Coq muttered profane +words under his breath. + +"We're not in the same class with this fellow, Hawkshaw," said Le +Coq. "You could tap your forehead knowingly eight hours a day +through all eternity with a sledge-hammer without loosening an idea +like that." + +"Nevertheless I'll confound him yet," growled the jealous detective. +"I shall myself go to London, and, disguised as Captain Kidd, will +lead this visionary on until he comes there to arrest me, and when +these club members discover that it is Hawkshaw and not Kidd he has +run to earth, we'll have a great laugh on Sherlock Holmes." + +"I am anxious to hear how you solved the bond-robbery mystery," said +Socrates, wrapping his toga closely about him and settling back +against one of the spiles of the wharf. + +"So are we all," said Sir Walter. "But meantime the House-boat is +getting farther away." + +"Not unless she's sailing backwards," sneered Noah, who was still +nursing his resentment against Sir Christopher Wren for his +reflections upon the speed of the Ark + +"What's the hurry?" asked Socrates. "I believe in making haste +slowly; and on the admission of our two eminent naval architects, Sir +Christopher and Noah, neither of their vessels can travel more than a +mile a week, and if we charter the Flying Dutchman to go in pursuit +of her we can catch her before she gets out of the Styx into the +Atlantic." + +"Jonah might lend us his whale, if the beast is in commission," +suggested Munchausen, dryly. "I for one would rather take a state- +room in Jonah's whale than go aboard the Flying Dutchman again. I +made one trip on the Dutchman, and she's worse than a dory for +comfort; further--I don't see what good it would do us to charter a +boat that can't land oftener than once in seven years, and spends +most of her time trying to double the Cape of Good Hope." + +"My whale is in commission," said Jonah, with dignity. "But Baron +Munchausen need not consider the question of taking a state-room +aboard of her. She doesn't carry second-class passengers. And if I +took any stock in the idea of a trip on the Flying Dutchman amounting +to a seven years' exile, I would cheerfully pay the Baron's expenses +for a round trip." + +"We are losing time, gentlemen," suggested Sherlock Holmes. "This is +a moment, I think, when you should lay aside personal differences and +personal preferences for immediate action. I have examined the wake +of the House-boat, and I judge from the condition of what, for want +of a better term, I may call the suds, when she left us the House- +boat was making ten knots a day. Almost any craft we can find +suitably manned ought to be able to do better than that; and if you +could summon Charon and ascertain what boats he has at hand, it would +be for the good of all concerned." + +"That's a good plan," said Johnson. "Boswell, see if you can find +Charon." + +"I am here already, sir," returned the ferryman, rising. "Most of my +boats have gone into winter quarters, your Honor. The Mayflower went +into dry dock last week to be calked up; the Pinta and the Santa +Maria are slow and cranky; the Monitor and the Merrimac I haven't +really had time to patch up; and the Valkyrie is two months overdue. +I cannot make up my mind whether she is lost or kept back by +excursion steamers. Hence I really don't know what I can lend you. +Any of these boat I have named you could have had for nothing; but my +others are actively employed, and I couldn't let them go without a +serious interference with my business." + +The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the opposite +shore. It was quite evident that he realized what a dreadful expense +the club was about to be put to, and while of course there would be +profit in it for him, he was sincerely sorry for them. + +"I repeat," he added, "those boats you could have had for nothing, +but the others I'd have to charge you for, though of course I'll give +you a discount." + +And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that discount +should be an eighth or one-quarter of one per cent. + +"The Flying Dutchman," he pursued, "ain't no good for your purposes. +She's too fast. She's built to fly by, not to stop. You'd catch up +with the House-boat in a minute with her, but you'd go right on and +disappear like a visionary; and as for the Ark, she'd never do--with +all respect to Mr. Noah. She's just about as suitable as any other +waterlogged cattle-steamer'd be, and no more--first-rate for +elephants and kangaroos, but no good for cruiser-work, and so slow +she wouldn't make a ripple high enough to drown a gnat going at the +top of her speed. Furthermore, she's got a great big hole in her +bottom, where she was stove in by running afoul of--Mount Arrus-root, +I believe it was called when Captain Noah went cruising with that +menagerie of his." + +"That's an unmitigated falsehood!" cried Noah, angrily. "This man +talks like a professional amateur yachtsman. He has no regard for +facts, but simply goes ahead and makes statements with an utter +disregard of the truth. The Ark was not stove in. We beached her +very successfully. I say this in defence of my seamanship, which was +top-notch for my day." + +"Couldn't sail six weeks without fouling a mountain-peak!" sneered +Wren, perceiving a chance to get even. + +"The hole's there, just the same," said Charon. "Maybe she was a +centreboard, sad that's where you kept the board." + +"The hole is there because it was worn there by one of the +elephants," retorted Noah. "You get a beast like the elephant +shuffling one of his fore-feet up and down, up and down, a plank for +twenty-four hours a day for forty days in one of your boats, and see +where your boat would be." + +"Thanks," said Charon, calmly. "But the elephants don't patronize my +line. All the elephants I've ever seen in Hades waded over, except +Jumbo, and he reached his trunk across, fastened on to a tree limb +with it, and swung himself over. However, the Ark isn't at all what +you want, unless you are going to man her with a lot of centaurs. If +that's your intention, I'd charter her; the accommodations are just +the thing for a crew of that kind." + +"Well, what do you suggest?" asked Raleigh, somewhat impatiently. +"You've told us what we can't do. Now tell us what we can do." + +"I'd stay right here," said Charon, "and let the ladies rescue +themselves. That's what I'd do. I've had the honor of bringing 'em +over here, and I think I know 'em pretty well. I've watched 'em +close, and it's my private opinion that before many days you'll see +your club-house sailing back here, with Queen Elizabeth at the +hellum, and the other ladies on the for'ard deck knittin' and +crochetin', and tearin' each other to pieces in a conversational way, +as happy as if there never had been any Captain Kidd and his pirate +crew." + +"That suggestion is impossible," said Blackstone, rising. "Whether +the relief expedition amounts to anything or not, it's good to be set +going. The ladies would never forgive us if we sat here inactive, +even if they were capable of rescuing themselves. It is an accepted +principle of law that this climate hath no fury like a woman left to +herself, and we've got enough professional furies hereabouts without +our aiding in augmenting the ranks. We must have a boat." + +"It'll cost you a thousand dollars a week," said Charon. + +"I'll subscribe fifty," cried Hamlet. + +"I'll consult my secretary," said Solomon, "and find out how many of +my wives have been abducted, and I'll pay ten dollars apiece for +their recovery." + +"That's liberal," said Hawkshaw. "There are sixty-three of 'em on +board, together with eighty of his fiancees. What's the quotation on +fiancees, King Solomon?" + +"Nothing," said Solomon. "They're not mine yet, and it's their +father's business to get 'em back. Not mine." + +Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long before +everybody save Shylock had put his name down for something. This +some one of the more quick-witted of the spirits soon observed, and, +with reckless disregard of the feelings of the Merchant of Venice, +began to call, "Shylock! Shylock! How much?" + +The Merchant tried to leave the pier, but his path was blocked. + +"Subscribe, subscribe!" was the cry. "How much?" + +"Order, gentlemen, order!" said Sir Walter, rising and holding a +bottle aloft. "A black person by the name of Friday, a valet of our +friend Mr. Crusoe, has just handed me this bottle, which he picked up +ten minutes ago on the bank of the river a few miles distant. It +contains a bit of paper, and may perhaps give us a clew based upon +something more substantial than even the wonderful theories of our +new brother Holmes." + +A deathly silence followed the chairman's words, as Sir Walter drew a +corkscrew from his pocket and opened the bottle. He extracted the +paper, and, as he had surmised, it proved to be a message from the +missing vessel. His face brightening with a smile of relief, Sir +Walter read, aloud: + +"Have just emerged into the Atlantic Club in hands of Kidd and forty +ruffians. One hundred and eighty-three ladies on board. Headed for +the Azores. Send aid at once. All well except Xanthippe, who is +seasick in the billiard-room. (Signed) Portia." + +"Aha!" cried Hawkshaw. "That shows how valuable the Holmes theory +is." + +"Precisely," said Holmes. "No woman knows anything about seafaring, +but Portia is right. The ship is headed for the Azores, which is the +first tack needed in a windward sail for London under the present +conditions." + +The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the cry for +Shylock's subscription began again, but he declined. + +"I had intended to put up a thousand ducats," he said, defiantly, +"but with that woman Portia on board I won't give a red obolus!" and +with that he wrapped his cloak about him and stalked off into the +gathering shadows of the wood. + +And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and the +shapely twin-screw steamer the Gehenna was chartered of Charon, and +put under the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who, after he had +thanked the company for their confidence, walked abstractedly away, +observing in strictest confidence to himself that he had done well to +prepare that bottle beforehand and bribe Crusoe's man to find it. + +"For now," he said, with a chuckle, "I can get back to earth again +free of cost on my own hook, whether my eminent inventor wants me +there or not. I never approved of his killing me off as he did at +the very height of my popularity." + + + +CHAPTER IV: ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT + + + +Meanwhile the ladies were not having such a bad time, after all. +Once having gained possession of the House-boat, they were loath to +think of ever having to give it up again, and it is an open question +in my mind if they would not have made off with it themselves had +Captain Kidd and his men not done it for them. + +"I'll never forgive these men for their selfishness in monopolizing +all this," said Elizabeth, with a vicious stroke of a billiard-cue, +which missed the cue-ball and tore a right angle in the cloth. "It +is not right." + +"No," said Portia. "It is all wrong; and when we get back home I'm +going to give my beloved Bassanio a piece of my mind; and if he +doesn't give in to me, I'LL reverse my decision in the famous case of +Shylock versus Antonio." + +"Then I sincerely hope he doesn't give in," retorted Cleopatra, "for +I swear by all my auburn locks that that was the very worst bit of +injustice ever perpetrated. Mr. Shakespeare confided to me one +night, at one of Mrs. Caesar's card-parties, that he regarded that as +the biggest joke he ever wrote, and Judge Blackstone observed to +Antony that the decision wouldn't have held in any court of equity +outside of Venice. If you owe a man a thousand ducats, and it costs +you three thousand to get them, that's your affair, not his. If it +cost Antonio every drop of his bluest blood to pay the pound of +flesh, it was Antonio's affair, not Shylock's. However, the world +applauds you as a great jurist, when you have nothing more than a +woman's keen instinct for sentimental technicalities." + +"It would have made a horrid play, though, if it had gone on," +shuddered Elizabeth. + +"That may be, but, carried out realistically, it would have done away +with a raft of bad actors," said Cleopatra. "I'm half sorry it +didn't go on, and I'm sure it wouldn't have been any worse than +compelling Brutus to fall on his sword until he resembles a chicken +liver en brochette, as is done in that Julius Caesar play." + +"Well, I'm very glad I did it," snapped Portia. + +"I should think you would be," said Cleopatra. "If you hadn't done +it, you'd never have been known. What was that?" + +The boat had given a slight lurch. + +"Didn't you hear a shuffling noise up on deck, Portia?" asked the +Egyptian Queen. + +"I thought I did, and it seemed as if the vessel had moved a bit," +returned Portia, nervously; for, like most women in an advanced state +of development, she had become a martyr to her nerves. + +"It was merely the wash from one of Charon's new ferry-boats, I +fancy," said Elizabeth, calmly. "It's disgusting, the way that old +fellow allows these modern innovations to be brought in here! As if +the old paddle-boats he used to carry shades in weren't good enough +for the immigrants of this age! Really this Styx River is losing a +great deal of its charm. Sir Walter and I were upset, while out +rowing one day last summer, by the waves kicked up by one of Charon's +excursion steamers going up the river with a party of picnickers from +the city--the Greater Gehenna Chowder Club, I believe it was--on +board of her. One might just as well live in the midst of the +turmoil of a great city as try to get uninterrupted quiet here in the +suburbs in these days. Charon isn't content to get rich slowly; he +must make money by the barrelful, if he has to sacrifice all the +comfort of everybody living on this river. Anybody'd think he was an +American, the way he goes on; and everybody else here is the same +way. The Erebeans are getting to be a race of shopkeepers." + +"I think myself," sighed Cleopatra, "that Hades is being spoiled by +the introduction of American ideas--it is getting by far too +democratic for my tastes; and if it isn't stopped, it's my belief +that the best people will stop coming here. Take Madame Recamier's +salon as it is now and compare it with what it used to be! In the +early days, after her arrival here, everybody went because it was the +swell thing, and you'd be sure of meeting the intellectually elect. +On the one hand you'd find Sophocles; on the other, Cicero; across +the room would be Horace chatting gayly with some such person as +myself. Great warriors, from Alexander to Bonaparte, were there, and +glad of the opportunity to be there, too; statesmen like +Macchiavelli; artists like Cellini or Tintoretto. You couldn't move +without stepping on the toes of genius. But now all is different. +The money-getting instinct has been aroused within them all, with the +result that when I invited Mozart to meet a few friends at dinner at +my place last autumn, he sent me a card stating his terms for +dinners. Let me see, I think I have it with me; I've kept it by me +for fear of losing it, it is such a complete revelation of the actual +condition of affairs in this locality. Ah! this is it," she added, +taking a small bit of pasteboard from her card-case. "Read that." + +The card was passed about, and all the ladies were much astonished-- +and naturally so, for it ran this wise: + + +NOTICE TO HOSTESSES. + +Owing to the very great, constantly growing, and at times vexatious +demands upon his time socially, + +HERR WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART + +takes this method of announcing to his friends that on and after +January 1, 1897, his terms for functions will be as follows: + +Dinners with conversation on the Marks + Theory of Music 500 +Dinners with conversation on the + Theory of Music, illustrated 750 +Dinners without any conversation 300 + Receptions, public, with music 1000 + " " private, 750 + Encores (single) 100 + Three encores for 150 + Autographs 10 + +Positively no Invitations for Five-o'Clock Teas or Morning Musicales +considered. + + +"Well, I declare!" tittered Elizabeth, as she read. "Isn't that +extraordinary? He's got the three-name craze, too!" + +"It's perfectly ridiculous," said Cleopatra. "But it's fairer than +Artemus Ward's plan. Mozart gives notice of his intentions to charge +you; but with Ward it's different. He comes, and afterwards sends a +bill for his fun. Why, only last week I got a 'quarterly statement' +from him showing a charge against me of thirty-eight dollars for +humorous remarks made to my guests at a little chafing-dish party I +gave in honor of Balzac, and, worst of all, he had marked it 'Please +remit.' Even Antony, when he wrote a sonnet to my eyebrow, wouldn't +let me have it until he had heard whether or not Boswell wanted it +for publication in the Gossip. With Rubens giving chalk-talks for +pay, Phidias doing 'Five-minute Masterpieces in Putty' for suburban +lyceums, and all the illustrious in other lines turning their genius +to account through the entertainment bureaus, it's impossible to have +a salon now." + +"You are indeed right," said Madame Recamier, sadly. "Those were +palmy days when genius was satisfied with chicken salad and lemonade. +I shall never forget those nights when the wit and wisdom of all time +were--ah--were on tap at my house, if I may so speak, at a cost to me +of lights and supper. Now the only people who will come for nothing +are those we used to think of paying to stay away. Boswell is always +ready, but you can't run a salon on Boswell." + +"Well," said Portia, "I sincerely hope that you won't give up the +functions altogether, because I have always found them most +delightful. It is still possible to have lights and supper." + +"I have a plan for next winter," said Madame Recamier, "but I suppose +I shall be accused of going into the commercial side of it if I adopt +it. The plan is, briefly, to incorporate my salon. That's an idea +worthy of an American, I admit; but if I don't do it I'll have to +give it up entirely, which, as you intimate, would be too bad. An +incorporated salon, however, would be a grand thing, if only because +it would perpetuate the salon. 'The Recamier Salon (Limited)' would +be a most excellent title, and, suitably capitalized would enable us +to pay our lions sufficiently. Private enterprise is powerless under +modern conditions. It's as much as I can afford to pay for a dinner, +without running up an expensive account for guests; and unless we get +up a salon-trust, as it were, the whole affair must go to the wall." + +"How would you make it pay?" asked Portia. "I can't see where your +dividends would come from." + +"That is simple enough," said Madame Recamier. "We could put up a +large reception-hall with a portion of our capital, and advertise a +series of nights--say one a week throughout the season. These would +be Warriors' Night, Story-tellers' Night, Poets' Night, Chafing-dish +Night under the charge of Brillat-Savarin, and so on. It would be +understood that on these particular evenings the most interesting +people in certain lines would be present, and would mix with +outsiders, who should be admitted only on payment of a certain sum of +money. The commonplace inhabitants of this country could thus meet +the truly great; and if I know them well, as I think I do, they'll +pay readily for the privilege. The obscure love to rub up against +the famous here as well as they do on earth." + +"You'd run a sort of Social Zoo?" suggested Elizabeth. + +"Precisely; and provide entertainment for private residences too. An +advertisement in Boswell's paper, which everybody buys--" + +"And which nobody reads," said Portia. + +"They read the advertisements," retorted Madame Recamier. "As I was +saying, an advertisement could be placed in Boswell's paper as +follows: 'Are you giving a Function? Do you want Talent? Get your +Genius at the Recamier Salon (Limited).' It would be simply +magnificent as a business enterprise. The common herd would be +tickled to death if they could get great people at their homes, even +if they had to pay roundly for them." + +"It would look well in the society notes, wouldn't it, if Mr. John +Boggs gave a reception, and at the close of the account it said, 'The +supper was furnished by Calizetti, and the genius by the Recamier +Salon (Limited)'?" suggested Elizabeth, scornfully. + +"I must admit," replied the French lady, "that you call up an +unpleasant possibility, but I don't really see what else we can do if +we want to preserve the salon idea. Somebody has told these talented +people that they have a commercial value, and they are availing +themselves of the demand." + +"It is a sad age!" sighed Elizabeth. + +"Well, all I've got to say is just this," put in Xanthippe: "You +people who get up functions have brought this condition of affairs on +yourselves. You were not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your +passion for lions in a moderate fashion. Take the case of +Demosthenes last winter, for instance. His wife told me that he +dined at home three times during the winter. The rest of the time he +was out, here, there, and everywhere, making after-dinner speeches. +The saving on his dinner bills didn't pay his pebble account, much +less remunerate him for his time, and the fearful expense of nervous +energy to which he was subjected. It was as much as she could do, +she said, to keep him from shaving one side of his head, so that he +couldn't go out, the way he used to do in Athens when he was afraid +he would be invited out and couldn't scare up a decent excuse for +refusing." + +"Did he do that?" cried Elizabeth, with a roar of laughter. + +"So the cyclopaedias say. It's a good plan, too," said Xanthippe. +"Though Socrates never had to do it. When I got the notion Socrates +was going out too much, I used to hide his dress clothes. Then there +was the case of Rubens. He gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza's +Thursday Night Club, merely to oblige Madame Sforza, and three weeks +later discovered that she had sold his pictures to pay for her gown! +You people simply run it into the ground. You kill the goose that +when taken at the flood leads on to fortune. It advertises you, does +the lion no good, and he is expected to be satisfied with +confectionery, material and theoretical. If they are getting tired +of candy and compliments, it's because you have forced too much of it +upon them." + +"They like it, just the same," retorted Recamier. "A genius likes +nothing better than the sound of his own voice, when he feels that it +is falling on aristocratic ears. The social laurel rests pleasantly +on many a noble brow." + +"True," said Xanthippe. "But when a man gets a pile of Christmas +wreaths a mile high on his head, he begins to wonder what they will +bring on the market. An occasional wreath is very nice, but by the +ton they are apt to weigh on his mind. Up to a certain point +notoriety is like a woman, and a man is apt to love it; but when it +becomes exacting, demanding instead of permitting itself to be +courted, it loses its charm." + +"That is Socratic in its wisdom," smiled Portia. + +"But Xanthippic in its origin," returned Xanthippe. "No man ever +gave me my ideas." + +As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia burst into the room. + +"Hurry and save yourselves!" she cried. "The boat has broken loose +from her moorings, and is floating down the stream. If we don't +hurry up and do something, we'll drift out to sea!" + +"What!" cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in terror, and rushing for +the stairs. "I was certain I felt a slight motion. You said it was +the wash from one of Charon's barges, Elizabeth." + +"I thought it was," said Elizabeth, following closely after. + +"Well, it wasn't," moaned Lucretia Borgia. "Calpurnia just looked +out of the window and discovered that we were in mid-stream." + +The ladies crowded anxiously about the stair and attempted to ascend, +Cleopatra in the van; but as the Egyptian Queen reached the doorway +to the upper deck, the door opened, and the hard features of Captain +Kidd were thrust roughly through, and his strident voice rang out +through the gathering gloom. "Pipe my eye for a sardine if we +haven't captured a female seminary!" he cried. + +And one by one the ladies, in terror, shrank back into the billiard- +room, while Kidd, overcome by surprise, slammed the door to, and +retreated into the darkness of the forward deck to consult with his +followers as to "what next." + + + +CHAPTER V: A CONFERENCE ON DECK + + + +"Here's a kettle of fish!" said Kidd, pulling his chin whisker in +perplexity as he and his fellow-pirates gathered about the captain to +discuss the situation. "I'm blessed if in all my experience I ever +sailed athwart anything like it afore! Pirating with a lot of low- +down ruffians like you gentlemen is bad enough, but on a craft loaded +to the water's edge with advanced women--I've half a mind to turn +back." + +"If you do, you swim--we'll not turn back with you," retorted +Abeuchapeta, whom, in honor of his prowess, Kidd had appointed +executive officer of the House-boat. "I have no desire to be +mutinous, Captain Kidd, but I have not embarked upon this enterprise +for a pleasure sail down the Styx. I am out for business. If you +had thirty thousand women on board, still should I not turn back." + +"But what shall we do with 'em?" pleaded Kidd. "Where can we go +without attracting attention? Who's going to feed 'em? Who's going +to dress 'em? Who's going to keep 'em in bonnets? You don't know +anything about these creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta; and, by-the-way, +can't we arbitrate that name of yours? It would be fearful to +remember in the excitement of a fight." + +"Call him Ab," suggested Sir Henry Morgan, with an ill-concealed +sneer, for he was deeply jealous of Abeuchapeta's preferral. + +"If you do I'll call you Morgue, and change your appearance to fit," +retorted Abeuchapeta, angrily. + +"By the beards of all my sainted Buccaneers," began Morgan, springing +angrily to his feet, "I'll have your life!" + +"Gentlemen! Gentlemen--my noble ruffians!" expostulated Kidd. +"Come, come; this will never do! I must have no quarrelling among my +aides. This is no time for divisions in our councils. An entirely +unexpected element has entered into our affairs, and it behooveth us +to act in concert. It is no light matter--" + +"Excuse me, captain," said Abeuchapeta, "but that is where you and I +do not agree. We've got our ship and we've got our crew, and in +addition we find that the Fates have thrown in a hundred or more +women to act as ballast. Now I, for one, do not fear a woman. We +can set them to work. There is plenty for them to do keeping things +tidy; and if we get into a very hard fight, and come out of the melee +somewhat the worse for wear, it will be a blessing to have 'em along +to mend our togas, sew buttons on our uniforms, and darn our +hosiery." + +Morgan laughed sarcastically. "When did you flourish, if ever, +colonel?" he asked. + +"Do you refer to me?" queried Abeuchapeta, with a frown. + +"You have guessed correctly," replied Morgan, icily. "I have quite +forgotten your date; were you a success in the year one, or when?" + +"Admiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry," interposed Kidd, fearing a further +outbreak of hostilities--"Admiral Abeuchapeta was the terror of the +seas in the seventh century, and what he undertook to do he did, and +his piratical enterprises were carried on on a scale of magnificence +which is without parallel off the comic-opera stage. He never went +forth without at least seventy galleys and a hundred other vessels." + +Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly. "Six-ninety-eight was my great +year," he said. + +"That's what I thought," said Morgan. "That is to say, you got your +ideas of women twelve hundred years ago, and the ladies have changed +somewhat since that time. I have great respect for you, sir, as a +ruffian. I have no doubt that as a ruffian you are a complete +success, but when it comes to 'feminology' you are sailing in unknown +waters. The study of women, my dear Abeuchadnezzar--" + +"Peta," retorted Abeuchapeta, irritably. + +"I stand corrected. The study of women, my dear Peter," said Morgan, +with a wink at Conrad, which fortunately the seventh-century pirate +did not see, else there would have been an open break--"the study of +women is more difficult than that of astronomy; there may be two +stars alike, but all women are unique. Because she was this, that, +or the other thing in your day does not prove that she is any one of +those things in our day--in fact, it proves the contrary. Why, I +venture even to say that no individual woman is alike." + +"That's rather a hazy thought," said Kidd, scratching his head in a +puzzled sort of way. + +"I mean that she's different from herself at different times," said +Morgan. "What is it the poet called her?--'an infinite variety +show,' or something of that sort; a perpetual vaudeville--a +continuous performance, as it were, from twelve to twelve." + +"Morgan is right, admiral!" put in Conrad the corsair, acting +temporarily as bo'sun. "The times are sadly changed, and woman is no +longer what she was. She is hardly what she is, much less what she +was. The Roman Gynaeceum would be an impossibility to-day. You +might as well expect Delilah to open a barber-shop on board this boat +as ask any of these advanced females below-stairs to sew buttons on a +pirate's uniform after a fray, or to keep the fringe on his epaulets +curled. They're no longer sewing-machines--they are Keeley motors +for mystery and perpetual motion. Women have views now they are no +longer content to be looked at merely; they must see for themselves; +and the more they see, the more they wish to domesticate man and +emancipate woman. It's my private opinion that if we are to get +along with them at all the best thing to do is to let 'em alone. I +have always found I was better off in the abstract, and if this +question is going to be settled in a purely democratic fashion by +submitting it to a vote, I'll vote for any measure which involves +leaving them strictly to themselves. They're nothing but a lot of +ghosts anyhow, like ourselves, and we can pretend we don't see them." + +"If that could be, it would be excellent," said Morgan; "but it is +impossible. For a pirate of the Byronic order, my dear Conrad, you +are strangely unversed in the ways of the sex which cheers but not +inebriates. We can no more ignore their presence upon this boat than +we can expect whales to spout kerosene. In the first place, it would +be excessively impolite of us to cut them--to decline to speak to +them if they should address us. We may be pirates, ruffians, +cutthroats, but I hope we shall never forget that we are gentlemen." + +"The whole situation is rather contrary to etiquette, don't you +think?" suggested Conrad. "There's nobody to introduce us, and I +can't really see how we can do otherwise than ignore them. I +certainly am not going to stand on deck and make eyes at them, to try +and pick up an acquaintance with them, even if I am of a Byronic +strain." + +"You forget," said Kidd, "two essential features of the situation. +These women are at present--or shortly will be, when they realize +their situation--in distress, and a true gentleman may always fly to +the rescue of a distressed female; and, the second point, we shall +soon be on the seas, and I understand that on the fashionable +transatlantic lines it is now considered de rigueur to speak to +anybody you choose to. The introduction business isn't going to +stand in my way." + +"Well, may I ask," put in Abeuchapeta, "just what it is that is +worrying you? You said something about feeding them, and dressing +them, and keeping them in bonnets. I fancy there's fish enough in +the sea to feed 'em; and as for their gowns and hats, they can make +'em themselves. Every woman is a milliner at heart." + +"Exactly, and we'll have to pay the milliners. That is what bothers +me. I was going to lead this expedition to London, Paris, and New +York, admiral. That is where the money is, and to get it you've got +to go ashore, to headquarters. You cannot nowadays find it on the +high seas. Modern civilization," said Kidd, "has ruined the pirate's +business. The latest news from the other world has really opened my +eyes to certain facts that I never dreamed of. The conditions of the +day of which I speak are interestingly shown in the experience of our +friend Hawkins here. Captain Hawkins, would you have any objection +to stating to these gentlemen the condition of affairs which led you +to give up piracy on the high seas?" + +"Not the slightest, Captain Kidd," returned Captain Hawkins, who was +a recent arrival in Hades. "It is a sad little story, and it gives +me a pain for to think on it, but none the less I'll tell it, since +you ask me. When I were a mere boy, fellow-pirates, I had but one +ambition, due to my readin', which was confined to stories of a +Sunday-school nater--to become somethin' different from the little +Willies an' the clever Tommies what I read about therein. They was +all good, an' they went to their reward too soon in life for me, who +even in them days regarded death as a stuffy an' unpleasant +diversion. Learnin' at an early period that virtue was its only +reward, an' a-wish-in' others, I says to myself: 'Jim,' says I, 'if +you wishes to become a magnet in this village, be sinful. If so be +as you are a good boy, an' kind to your sister an' all other animals, +you'll end up as a prosperous father with fifteen hundred a year +sure, with never no hope for no public preferment beyond bein' made +the super-intendent of the Sunday-school; but if so be as how you're +bad, you may become famous, an' go to Congress, an' have your picture +in the Sunday noospapers.' So I looks around for books tellin' how +to get 'Famous in Fifty Ways,' an' after due reflection I settles in +my mind that to be a pirate's just the thing for me, seein' as how +it's both profitable an' healthy. Pass-in' over details, let me tell +you that I became a pirate. I ran away to sea, an' by dint of +perseverance, as the Sunday-school book useter say, in my badness I +soon became the centre of a evil lot; an' when I says to 'em, 'Boys, +I wants to be a pirate chief,' they hollers back, loud like, 'Jim, +we're with you,' an' they was. For years I was the terror of the +Venezuelan Gulf, the Spanish Main, an' the Pacific seas, but there +was precious little money into it. The best pay I got was from a +Sunday noospaper which paid me well to sign an article on 'Modern +Piracy' which I didn't write. Finally business got so bad the crew +began to murmur, an' I was at my wits' ends to please 'em; when one +mornin', havin' passed a restless night, I picks up a noospaper and +sees in it that 'Next Saturday's steamer is a weritable treasure- +ship, takin' out twelve million dollars, and the jewels of a certain +prima donna valued at five hundred thousand.' 'Here's my chance,' +says I, an' I goes to sea and lies in wait for the steamer. I +captures her easy, my crew bein' hungry, an' fightin according like. +We steals the box a-hold-in' the jewels an' the bag containin' the +millions, hustles back to our own ship, an' makes for our rondyvoo, +me with two bullets in my leg, four o' my crew killed, and one engin' +of my ship disabled by a shot--but happy. Twelve an' a half millions +at one break is enough to make anybody happy." + +"I should say so," said Abeuchapeta, with an ecstatic shake of his +head. "I didn't get that in all my career." + +"Nor I," sighed Kidd. "But go on, Hawkins." + +"Well, as I says," continued Captain Hawkins, "we goes to the +rondyvoo to look over our booty. 'Captain 'Awkins,' says my valet-- +for I was a swell pirate, gents, an' never travelled nowhere without +a man to keep my clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles in my +trousers--'this 'ere twelve millions,' says he, 'is werry light,' +says he, carryin' the bag ashore. 'I don't care how light it is, so +long as it's twelve millions, Henderson,' says I; but my heart sinks +inside o' me at his words, an' the minute we lands I sits down to +investigate right there on the beach. I opens the bag, an' it's the +one I was after--but the twelve millions!" + +"Weren't there?" cried Conrad. + +"Yes, they was there," sighed Hawkins, "but every bloomin' million +was represented by a certified check, an' payable in London!" + +"By Jingo!" cried Morgan. "What fearful luck! But you had the prima +donna's jewels." + +"Yes," said Hawkins, with a moan. "But they was like all other prima +donna's jewels--for advertisin' purposes only, an' made o' gum- +arabic!" + +"Horrible!" said Abeuchapeta. "And the crew, what did they say?" + +"They was a crew of a few words," sighed Hawkins. "Werry few words, +an' not a civil word in the lot--mostly adjectives of a profane kind. +When I told 'em what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for a- +jiltin' of 'em, an'--well, I came here. I was 'sas'inated that werry +night!" + +"They killed you?" cried Morgan. + +"A dozen times," nodded Hawkins. "They always was a lavish lot. I +met death in all its most horrid forms. First they stabbed me, then +they shot me, then they clubbed me, and so on, endin' up with a +lynchin'--but I didn't mind much after the first, which hurt a bit. +But now that I'm here I'm glad it happened. This life is sort of +less responsible than that other. You can't hurt a ghost by shooting +him, because there ain't nothing to hurt, an' I must say I like bein' +a mere vision what everybody can see through." + +"All of which interesting tale proves what?" queried Abeuchapeta. + +"That piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days of the check +banking system," said Kidd. "If you can get a chance at real gold +it's all right, but it's of no earthly use to steal checks that +people can stop payment on. Therefore it was my plan to visit the +cities and do a little freebooting there, where solid material wealth +is to be found." + +"Well? Can't we do it now?" asked Abeuchapeta. + +"Not with these women tagging after us," returned Kidd. "If we went +to London and lifted the whole Bank of England, these women would +have it spent on Regent Street inside of twenty-four hours." + +"Then leave them on board," said Abeuchapeta. + +"And have them steal the ship!" retorted Kidd. "No. There are but +two things to do. Take 'em back, or land them in Paris. Tell them +to spend a week on shore while we are provisioning. Tell 'em to shop +to their hearts' content, and while they are doing it we can sneak +off and leave them stranded." + +"Splendid!" cried Morgan. + +"But will they consent?" asked Abeuchapeta. + +"Consent! To shop? In Paris? For a week?" cried Morgan. + +"Ha, ha!" laughed Hawkins. "Will they consent! Will a duck swim?" + +And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the career of +the House-boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock Holmes had failed +to count. + + + +CHAPTER VI: A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS + + + +When, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the +House-boat was shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra by +the unmannerly Kidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who +thronged the stairs behind them in blank amazement, and the heart of +Xanthippe, had one chosen to gaze through that diaphanous person's +ribs, could have been seen to beat angrily. + +Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude towards +her regal self that, having turned, she sat down plump upon the floor +in the most unroyal fashion. + +"Well!" she ejaculated. "If this does not surpass everything! The +idea of it! Oh for one hour of my olden power, one hour of the axe, +one hour of the block!" + +"Get up," retorted Cleopatra, "and let us all return to the billiard- +room and discuss this matter calmly. It is quite evident that +something has happened of which we wotted little when we came aboard +this craft." + +"That is a good idea," said Calpurnia, retreating below. "I can see +through the window that we are in motion. The vessel has left her +moorings, and is making considerable headway down the stream, and the +distinctly masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind +that the ship is manned, and that this is the result of design rather +than of accident. Let us below." + +Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the excitement of +the moment had been forced to assume a position about her forehead +which gave one the impression that its royal wearer had suddenly +donned a sombrero. + +"Very well," she said. "Let us below; but oh, for the axe!" + +"Bring the lady an axe," cried Xanthippe, sarcastically. "She wants +to cut somebody." + +The sally was not greeted with applause. The situation was regarded +as being too serious to admit of humor, and in silence they filed +back into the billiard-room, and, arranging themselves in groups, +stood about anxiously discussing the situation. + +"It's getting rougher every minute," sobbed Ophelia. "Look at those +pool-balls!" These were in very truth chasing each other about the +table in an extraordinary fashion. "And I wish I'd never followed +you horrid new creatures on board!" the poor girl added, in an agony +of despair. + +"I believe we've crossed the bar already!" said Cleopatra, gazing out +of the window at a nasty choppy sea that was adding somewhat to the +disquietude of the fair gathering. "If this is merely a joke on the +part of the Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think +it is time it should cease." + +"Oh, for an axe!" moaned Elizabeth, again. + +"Excuse me, your Majesty," put in Xanthippe. "You said that before, +and I must say it is getting tiresome. You couldn't do anything with +an axe. Suppose you had one. What earthly good would it do you, who +were accustomed to doing all your killing by proxy? I don't believe, +if you had the unmannerly person who slammed the door in your face +lying prostrate upon the billiard-table here, you could hit him a +square blow in the neck if you had a hundred axes. Delilah might as +well cry for her scissors, for all the good it would do us in our +predicament. If Cleopatra had her asp with her it might be more to +the purpose. One deadly little snake like that let loose on the +upper deck would doubtless drive these boors into the sea, and even +then our condition would not be bettered, for there isn't any of us +that can sail a boat. There isn't an old salt among us." + +"Too bad Mrs. Lot isn't along," giggled Marguerite de Valois, whose +Gallic spirits were by no means overshadowed by the unhappy +predicament in which she found herself. + +"I'm here," piped up Mrs. Lot. "But I'm not that kind of a salt." + +"I am present," said Mrs. Noah. "Though why I ever came I don't +know, for I vowed the minute I set my foot on Ararat that dry land +was good enough for me, and that I'd never step aboard another boat +as long as I lived. If, however, now that I am here, I can give you +the benefit of my nautical experience, you are all perfectly welcome +to it." + +"I'm sure we're very much obliged for the offer," said Portia, "but +in the emergency which has arisen we cannot say how much obliged we +are until we know what your experience amounted to. Before relying +upon you we ought to know how far that reliance can go--not that I +lack confidence in you, my dear madam, but that in an hour of peril +one must take care, to rely upon the oak, not upon the reed." + +"The point is properly taken," said Elizabeth, "and I wish to say +here that I am easier in my mind when I realize that we have with us +so level-headed a person as the lady who has just spoken. She has +spoken truly and to the point. If I were to become queen again, I +should make her my attorney-general. We must not go ahead +impulsively, but look at all things in a calm, judicial manner." + +"Which is pretty hard work with a sea like this on," remarked +Ophelia, faintly, for she was getting a trifle sallow, as indeed she +might, for the House-boat was beginning to roll tremendously with no +alleviation save an occasional pitch, which was an alleviation only +in the sense that it gave variety to their discomfort. "I don't +believe a chief-justice could look at things calmly and in a judicial +manner if he felt as I do." + +"Poor dear!" said the matronly Mrs. Noah, sympathetically. "I know +exactly how you feel. I have been there myself. The fourth day out +I and my whole family were in the same condition, except that Noah, +my husband, was so very far gone that I could not afford to yield. I +nursed him for six days before he got his sea-legs on, and then +succumbed myself." + +"But," gasped Ophelia, "that doesn't help me - + +"It did my husband," said Mrs. Noah. + +"When he heard that the boys were seasick too, he actually laughed +and began to get better right away. There is really only one cure +for the mal de mer, and that is the fun of knowing that somebody else +is suffering too. If some of you ladies would kindly yield to the +seductions of the sea, I think we could get this poor girl on her +feet in an instant." + +Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there was no immediate response to +this appeal, and the unhappy young woman was forced to suffer in +solitude. + +"We have no time for untimely diversions of this sort," snapped +Xanthippe, with a scornful glance at the suffering Ophelia, who, +having retired to a comfortable lounge at an end of the room, was +evidently improving. "I have no sympathy with this habit some of my +sex seem to have acquired of succumbing to an immediate sensation of +this nature." + +"I hope to be pardoned for interrupting," said Mrs. Noah, with a +great deal of firmness, "but I wish Mrs. Socrates to understand that +it is rather early in the voyage for her to lay down any such broad +principle as that, and for her own sake to-morrow, I think it would +be well if she withdrew the sentiment. There are certain things +about a sea-voyage that are more or less beyond the control of man or +woman, and any one who chides that poor suffering child on yonder +sofa ought to be more confident than Mrs. Socrates can possibly be +that within an hour she will not be as badly off. People who live in +glass houses should not throw dice." + +"I shall never yield to anything so undignified as seasickness, let +me tell you that," retorted Xanthippe. "Furthermore, the proverb is +not as the lady has quoted it. 'People who live in glass houses +should not throw stones' is the proper version." + +"I was not quoting," returned Mrs. Noah, calmly. "When I said that +people who live in glass houses should not throw dice, I meant +precisely what I said. People who live in glass houses should not +take chances. In assuming with such vainglorious positiveness that +she will not be seasick, the lady who has just spoken is giving +tremendous odds, as the boys used to say on the Ark when we gathered +about the table at night and began to make small wagers on the day's +run." + +"I think we had better suspend this discussion," suggested Cleopatra. +"It is of no immediate interest to any one but Ophelia, and I fancy +she does not care to dwell upon it at any great length. It is more +important that we should decide upon our future course of action. In +the first place, the question is who these people up on deck are. If +they are the members of the club, we are all right. They will give +us our scare, and land us safely again at the pier. In that event it +is our womanly duty to manifest no concern, and to seem to be aware +of nothing unusual in the proceeding. It would never do to let them +think that their joke has been a good one. If, on the other hand, as +I fear, we are the victims of some horde of ruffians, who have +pounced upon us unawares, and are going into the business of +abduction on a wholesale basis, we must meet treachery with +treachery, strategy with strategy. I, for one, am perfectly willing +to make every man on board walk the plank; having confidence in the +seawomanship of Mrs. Noah and her ability to steer us into port." + +"I am quite in accord with these views," put in Madame Recamier, "and +I move you, Mrs. President, that we organize a series of sub- +committees--one on treachery, with Lucretia Borgia and Delilah as +members; one on strategy, consisting of Portia and Queen Elizabeth; +one on navigation, headed by Mrs. Noah; with a final sub-committee on +reconnoitre, with Cassandra to look forward, and Mrs. Lot to look +aft--all of these subordinated to a central committee of safety +headed by Cleopatra and Calpurnia. The rest of us can then commit +ourselves and our interests unreservedly to these ladies, and proceed +to enjoy ourselves without thought of the morrow." + +"I second the motion," said Ophelia, "with the amendment that Madame +Recamier be appointed chair-lady of another sub-committee, on +entertainment." + +The amendment was accepted, and the motion put. It was carried with +an enthusiastic aye, and the organization was complete. + +The various committees retired to the several corners of the room to +discuss their individual lines of action, when a shadow was observed +to obscure the moonlight which had been streaming in through the +window. The faces of Calpurnia and Cleopatra blanched for an +instant, as, immediately following upon this apparition, a large +bundle was hurled through the open port into the middle of the room, +and the shadow vanished. + +"Is it a bomb?" cried several of the ladies at once. + +"Nonsense!" said Madame Recamier, jumping lightly forward. "A man +doesn't mind blowing a woman up, but he'll never blow himself up. +We're safe enough in that respect. The thing looks to me like a +bundle of illustrated papers." + +"That's what it is," said Cleopatra who had been investigating. +"It's rather a discourteous bit of courtesy, tossing them in through +the window that way, I think, but I presume they mean well. Dear +me," she added, as, having untied the bundle, she held one of the +open papers up before her, "how interesting! All the latest Paris +fashions. Humph! Look at those sleeves, Elizabeth. What an +impregnable fortress you would have been with those sleeves added to +your ruffs!" + +"I should think they'd be very becoming," put in Cassandra, standing +on her tip-toes and looking over Cleopatra's shoulder. "That Watteau +isn't bad, either, is it, now?" + +"No," remarked Calpurnia. "I wonder how a Watteau back like that +would go on my blue alpaca?" + +"Very nicely," said Elizabeth. "How many gores has it?" + +"Five," observed Calpurnia. "One more than Caesar's toga. We had to +have our costumes distinct in some way." + +"A remarkable hat, that," nodded Mrs. Lot, her eye catching sight of +a Virot creation at the top of the page. + +"Reminds me of Eve's description of an autumn scene in the garden," +smiled Mrs. Noah. "Gorgeous in its foliage, beautiful thing; though +I shouldn't have dared wear one in the Ark, with all those hungry +animals browsing about the upper and lower decks." + +"I wonder," remarked Cleopatra, as she cocked her head to one side to +take in the full effect of an attractive summer gown--"I wonder how +that waist would make up in blue crepon, with a yoke of lace and a +stylishly contrasting stock of satin ribbon?" + +"It would depend upon how you finished the sleeves," remarked Madame +Recamier. "If you had a few puffs of rich brocaded satin set in with +deeply folded pleats it wouldn't be bad." + +"I think it would be very effective," observed Mrs. Noah, "but a +trifle too light for general wear. I should want some kind of a wrap +with it." + +"It does need that," assented Elizabeth. "A wrap made of +passementerie and jet, with a mousseline de soie ruche about the neck +held by a chou, would make it fascinating." + +"The committee on treachery is ready to report," said Delilah, rising +from her corner, where she and Lucretia Borgia had been having so +animated a discussion that they had failed to observe the others +crowding about Cleopatra and the papers. + +"A little sombre," said Cleopatra. "The corsage is effective, but I +don't like those basque terminations. I've never approved of those +full godets--" + +"The committee on treachery," remarked Delilah again, raising her +voice, "has a suggestion to make." + +"I can't get over those sleeves, though," laughed Helen of Troy. +"What is the use of them?" + +"They might be used to get Greeks into Troy," suggested Madame +Recamier. + +"The committee on treachery," roared Delilah, thoroughly angered by +the absorption of the chairman and others, "has a suggestion to make. +This is the third and last call." + +"Oh, I beg pardon," cried Cleopatra, rapping for order. "I had +forgotten all about our committees. Excuse me, Delilah. I--ah--was +absorbed in other matters. Will you kindly lay your pattern--I +should say your plan--before us?" + +"It is briefly this," said Delilah. "It has been suggested that we +invite the crew of this vessel to a chafing-dish party, under the +supervision of Lucretia Borgia, and that she--" + +The balance of the plan was not outlined, for at this point the +speaker was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door, its instant +opening, and the appearance in the doorway of that ill-visaged +ruffian Captain Kidd. + +"Ladies," he began, "I have come here to explain to you the situation +in which you find yourselves. Have I your permission to speak?" + +The ladies started back, but the chairman was equal to the occasion. + +"Go on," said Cleopatra, with queenly dignity, turning to the +interloper; and the pirate proceeded to take the second step in the +nefarious plan upon which he and his brother ruffians had agreed, of +which the tossing in through the window of the bundle of fashion +papers was the first. + + + +CHAPTER VII: THE "GEHENNA" IS CHARTERED + + + +It was about twenty-four hours after the events narrated in the +preceding chapters that Mr. Sherlock Holmes assumed command of the +Gehenna, which was nothing more nor less than the shadow of the ill- +starred ocean steamship City of Chicago, which tried some years ago +to reach Liverpool by taking the overland route through Ireland, +fortunately without detriment to her passengers and crew, who had the +pleasure of the experience of shipwreck without any of the +discomforts of drowning. As will be remembered, the obstructionist +nature of the Irish soil prevented the City of Chicago from +proceeding farther inland than was necessary to keep her well +balanced amidships upon a convenient and not too stony bed; and that +after a brief sojourn on the rocks she was finally disposed of to the +Styx Navigation Company, under which title Charon had had himself +incorporated, is a matter of nautical history. The change of name to +the Gehenna was the act of Charon himself, and was prompted, no +doubt, by a desire to soften the jealous prejudices of the residents +of the Stygian capital against the flourishing and ever-growing +metropolis of Illinois. + +The Associated Shades had had some trouble in getting this craft. +Charon, through his constant association with life on both sides of +the dark river, had gained a knowledge, more or less intimate, of +modern business methods, and while as janitor of the club he was +subject to the will of the House-boat Committee, and sympathized +deeply with the members of the association in their trouble, as +president of the Styx Navigation Company he was bound up in certain +newly attained commercial ideas which were embarrassing to those +members of the association to whose hands the chartering of a vessel +had been committed. + +"See here, Charon," Sir Walter Raleigh had said, after Charon had +expressed himself as deeply sympathetic, but unable to shave the +terms upon which the vessel could be had, "you are an infernal old +hypocrite. You go about wringing your hands over our misfortunes +until they've got as dry and flabby as a pair of kid gloves, and yet +when we ask you for a ship of suitable size and speed to go out after +those pirates, you become a sort of twin brother to Shylock, without +his excuse. His instincts are accidents of birth. Yours are +cultivated, and you know it." + +"You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter," Charon had answered to +this. "You don't understand my position. It is a very hard one. As +janitor of your club I am really prostrated over the events of the +past twenty-four hours. My occupation is gone, and my despair over +your loss is correspondingly greater, for I have time on my hands to +brood over it. I was hysterical as a woman yesterday afternoon--so +hysterical that I came near upsetting one of the Furies who engaged +me to row her down to Madame Medusa's villa last evening; and right +at the sluice of the vitriol reservoir at that." + +"Then why the deuce don't you do something to help us?" pleaded +Hamlet. + +"How can I do any more than I have done? I've offered you the +Gehenna," retorted Charon. + +"But on what terms?" expostulated Raleigh. "If we had all the wealth +of the Indies we'd have difficulty in paying you the sums you +demand." + +"But I am only president of the company," explained Charon. "I'd +like, as president, to show you some courtesy, and I'm perfectly +willing to do so; but when it comes down to giving you a vessel like +that, I'm bound by my official oath to consider the interest of the +stockholders. It isn't as it used to be when I had boats to hire in +my own behalf alone. In those days I had nobody's interest but my +own to look after. Now the ships all belong to the Styx Navigation +Company. Can't you see the difference?" + +"You own all the stock, don't you?" insisted Raleigh. + +"I don't know," Charon answered, blandly. "I haven't seen the +transfer-books lately.'' + +"But you know that you did own every share of it, and that you +haven't sold any, don't you?" put in Hamlet. + +Charon was puzzled for a moment, but shortly his face cleared, and +Sir Walter's heart sank, for it was evident that the old fellow could +not be cornered. + +"Well, it's this way, Sir Walter, and your Highness," he said, "I--I +can't say whether any of that stock has been transferred or not. The +fact is, I've been speculating a little on margin, and I've put up +that stock as security, and, for all I know, I may have been sold out +by my brokers. I've been so upset by this unfortunate occurrence +that I haven't seen the market reports for two days. Really you'll +have to be content with my offer or go without the Gehenna. There's +too much suspicion attached to high corporate officials lately for me +to yield a jot in the position I have taken. It would never do to +get you all ready to start, and then have an injunction clapped on +you by some unforeseen stockholder who was not satisfied with the +terms offered you; nor can I ever let it be said of me that to retain +my position as janitor of your organization I sacrificed a trust +committed to my charge. I'll gladly lend you my private launch, +though I don't think it will aid you much, because the naphtha-tank +has exploded, and the screw slipped off and went to the bottom two +weeks ago. Still, it is at your service, and I've no doubt that +either Phidias or Benvenuto Cellini will carve out a paddle for you +if you ask him to." + +"Bah!" retorted Raleigh. "You might as well offer us a pair of +skates." + +"I would, if I thought the river'd freeze," retorted Charon, blandly. + +Raleigh and Hamlet turned away impatiently and left Charon to his own +devices, which for the time being consisted largely of winking his +other eye quietly and outwardly making a great show of grief. + +"He's too canny for us, I am afraid," said Sir Walter. "We'll have +to pay him his money." + +"Let us first consult Sherlock Holmes," suggested Hamlet, and this +they proceeded at once to do. + +"There is but one thing to be done," observed the astute detective +after he had heard Sir Walter's statement of the case. "It is an old +saying that one should fight fire with fire. We must meet modern +business methods with modern commercial ideas. Charter his vessel at +his own price." + +"But we'd never be able to pay," said Hamlet. + +"Ha-ha!" laughed Holmes. "It is evident that you know nothing of the +laws of trade nowadays. Don't pay!" + +"But how can we?" asked Raleigh. + +"The method is simple. You haven't anything to pay with," returned +Holmes. "Let him sue. Suppose he gets a verdict. You haven't +anything he can attach--if you have, make it over to your wives or +your fiancees" + +"Is that honest?" asked Hamlet, shaking his head doubtfully. + +"It's business," said Holmes. + +"But suppose he wants an advance payment?" queried Hamlet. + +"Give him a check drawn to his own order. He'll have to endorse it +when he deposits it, and that will make him responsible," laughed +Holmes. + +"What a simple thing when you understand it!" commented Raleigh. + +"Very," said Holmes. "Business is getting by slow degrees to be an +exact science. It reminds me of the Brighton mystery, in which I +played a modest part some ten years ago, when I first took up +ferreting as a profession. I was sitting one night in my room at one +of the Brighton hotels, which shall be nameless. I never give the +name of any of the hotels at which I stop, because it might give +offence to the proprietors of other hotels, with the result that my +books would be excluded from sale therein. Suffice it to say that I +was spending an early summer Sunday at Brighton with my friend +Watson. We had dined well, and were enjoying our evening smoke +together upon a small balcony overlooking the water, when there came +a timid knock on the door of my room. + +"'Watson,' said I, 'here comes some one for advice. Do you wish to +wager a small bottle upon it?' + +"'Yes,' he answered, with a smile. 'I am thirsty and I'd like a +small bottle; and while I do not expect to win, I'll take the bet. I +should like to know, though, how you know.' + +"'It is quite simple,' said I. 'The timidity of the knock shows that +my visitor is one of two classes of persons--an autograph-hunter or a +client, one of the two. You see I give you a chance to win. It may +be an autograph-hunter, but I think it is a client. If it were a +creditor, he would knock boldly, even ostentatiously; if it were the +maid, she would not knock at all; if it were the hall-boy, he would +not come until I had rung five times for him. None of these things +has occurred; the knock is the half-hearted knock which betokens +either that the person who knocked is in trouble, or is uncertain as +to his reception. I am willing, however, considering the heat and my +desire to quench my thirst, to wager that it is a client.' + +"'Done,' said Watson; and I immediately remarked, 'Come in.' + +"The door opened, and a man of about thirty-five years of age, in a +bathing-suit, entered the room, and I saw at a glance what had +happened. + +"'Your name is Burgess,' I said. 'You came here from London this +morning, expecting to return to-night. You brought no luggage with +you. After luncheon you went bathing. You had machine No. 35, and +when you came out of the water you found that No. 35 had disappeared, +with your clothes and the silver watch your uncle gave you on the day +you succeeded to his business.' + +"Of course, gentlemen," observed the detective, with a smile at Sir +Walter and Hamlet--"of course the man fairly gasped, and I continued: +'You have been lying face downward in the sand ever since, waiting +for nightfall, so that you could come to me for assistance, not +considering it good form to make an afternoon call upon a stranger at +his hotel, clad in a bathing-suit. Am I correct?' + +"'Sir,' he replied, with a look of wonder, 'you have narrated my +story exactly as it happened, and I find I have made no mistake in +coming to you. Would you mind telling me what is your course of +reasoning?' + +"'It is plain as day,' said I. 'I am the person with the red beard +with whom you came down third class from London this morning, and you +told me your name was Burgess and that you were a butcher. When you +looked to see the time, I remarked upon the oddness of your watch, +which led to your telling me that it was the gift of your uncle.' + +"'True,' said Burgess, 'but I did not tell you I had no luggage.' + +"'No,' said I, 'but that you hadn't is plain; for if you had brought +any other clothing besides that you had on with you, you would have +put it on to come here. That you have been robbed I deduce also from +your costume.' + +"'But the number of the machine?' asked Watson. + +"'Is on the tag on the key hanging about his neck,' said I. + +"'One more question,' queried Burgess. 'How do you know I have been +lying face downward on the beach ever since?' + +"'By the sand in your eyebrows,' I replied; and Watson ordered up the +small bottle." + +"I fail to see what it was in our conversation, however," observed +Hamlet, somewhat impatient over the delay caused by the narration of +this tale, "that suggested this train of thought to you." + +"The sequel will show," returned Holmes. + +"Oh, Lord!" put in Raleigh. "Can't we put off the sequel until a +later issue? Remember, Mr. Holmes, that we are constantly losing +time." + +"The sequel is brief, and I can narrate it on our way to the office +of the Navigation Company," observed the detective. "When the bottle +came I invited Mr. Burgess to join us, which he did, and as the hour +was late when we came to separate, I offered him the use of my parlor +overnight. This he accepted, and we retired. + +"The next morning when I arose to dress, the mystery was cleared." + +"You had dreamed its solution?" asked Raleigh. + +"No," replied Holmes. "Burgess had disappeared with all my clothing, +my false-beard, my suit-case, and my watch. The only thing he had +left me was the bathing-suit and a few empty small bottles." + +"And why, may I ask," put in Hamlet, as they drew near to Charon's +office--"why does that case remind you of business as it is conducted +to-day?" + +"In this, that it is a good thing to stay out of unless you know it +all," explained Holmes. "I omitted in the case of Burgess to observe +one thing about him. Had I observed that his nose was rectilinear, +incurved, and with a lifted base, and that his auricular temporal +angle was between 96 and 97 degrees, I should have known at once that +he was an impostor Vide Ottolenghui on 'Ears and Noses I Have Met,' +pp. 631-640." + +"Do you mean to say that you can tell a criminal by his ears?" +demanded Hamlet. + +"If he has any--yes; but I did not know that at the time of the +Brighton mystery. Therefore I should have stayed out of the case. +But here we are. Good-morning, Charon." + +By this time the trio had entered the private office of the president +of the Styx Navigation Company, and in a few moments the vessel was +chartered at a fabulous price. + +On the return to the wharf, Sir Walter somewhat nervously asked +Holmes if he thought the plan they had settled upon would work. + +"Charon is a very shrewd old fellow," said he. "He may outwit us +yet." + +"The chances are just two and one-eighth degrees in your favor," +observed Holmes, quietly, with a glance at Raleigh's ears. "The +temporal angle of your ears is 93.125 degrees, whereas Charon's stand +out at 91, by my otometer. To that extent your criminal instincts +are superior to his. If criminology is an exact science, reasoning +by your respective ears, you ought to beat him out by a perceptible +though possibly narrow margin." + +With which assurance Raleigh went ahead with his preparations, and +within twelve hours the Gehenna was under way, carrying a full +complement of crew and officers, with every state-room on board +occupied by some spirit of the more illustrious kind. + +Even Shylock was on board, though no one knew it, for in the dead of +night he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank and had hidden himself +in an empty water-cask in the forecastle. + +"'Tisn't Venice," he said, as he sat down and breathed heavily +through the bung of the barrel, "but it's musty and damp enough, and, +considering the cost, I can't complain. You can't get something for +nothing, even in Hades." + + + +CHAPTER VIII: ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA" + + + +When the Gehenna had passed down the Styx and out through the +beautiful Cimmerian Harbor into the broad waters of the ocean, and +everything was comparatively safe for a while at least, Sherlock +Holmes came down from the bridge, where he had taken his place as the +commander of the expedition at the moment of departure. His brow was +furrowed with anxiety, and through his massive forehead his brain +could be seen to be throbbing violently, and the corrugations of his +gray matter were not pleasant to witness as he tried vainly to +squeeze an idea out of them. + +"What is the matter?" asked Demosthenes, anxiously. "We are not in +any danger, are we?" + +"No," replied Holmes. "But I am somewhat puzzled at the bubbles on +the surface of the ocean, and the ripples which we passed over an +hour or two ago, barely perceptible through the most powerful +microscope, indicate to my mind that for some reason at present +unknown to me the House-boat has changed her course. Take that +bubble floating by. It is the last expiring bit of aerial agitation +of the House-boat's wake. Observe whence it comes. Not from the +Azores quarter, but as if instead of steering a straight course +thither the House-boat had taken a sharp turn to the north-east, and +was making for Havre; or, in other words, Paris instead of London +seems to have become their destination." + +Demosthenes looked at Holmes with blank amazement, and, to keep from +stammering out the exclamation of wonder that rose to his lips, he +opened his bonbonniere and swallowed a pebble. + +"You don't happen to have a cocaine tablet in your box, do you?" +queried Holmes. + +"No," returned the Greek. "Cocaine makes me flighty and nervous, but +these pebbles sort of ballast me and hold me down. How on earth do +you know that that bubble comes from the wake of the House-boat?" + +"By my chemical knowledge, merely," replied Holmes. "A merely +worldly vessel leaves a phosphorescent bubble in its wake. That one +we have just discovered is not so, but sulphurescent, if I may coin a +word which it seems to me the English language is very much in need +of. It proves, then, that the bubble is a portion of the wake of a +Stygian craft, and the only Stygian craft that has cleared the +Cimmerian Harbor for years is the House-boat--Q. E. D." + +"We can go back until we find the ripple again, and follow that, I +presume," sneered Le Coq, who did not take much stock in the theories +of his great rival, largely because he was a detective by intuition +rather than by study of the science. + +"You can if you want to, but it is better not to," rejoined Holmes, +simply, as though not observing the sneer, "because the ripple +represents the outer lines of the angle of disturbance in the water; +and as any one of the sides to an angle is greater than the +perpendicular from the hypothenuse to the apex, you'd merely be going +the long way. This is especially important when you consider the +formation of the bow of the House-boat, which is rounded like the +stern of most vessels, and comes near to making a pair of ripples at +an angle of ninety degrees." + +"Then," observed Sir Walter, with a sigh of disappointment, "we must +change our course and sail for Paris?" + +"I am afraid so," said Holmes; "but of course it's by no means +certain as yet. I think if Columbus would go up into the mizzentop +and look about him, he might discover something either in +confirmation or refutation of the theory." + +"He couldn't discover anything," put in Pinzon. "He never did." + +"Well, I like that!" retorted Columbus. "I'd like to know who +discovered America." + +"So should I," observed Leif Ericson, with a wink at Vespucci. + +"Tut!" retorted Columbus. "I did it, and the world knows it, whether +you claim it or not." + +"Yes, just as Noah discovered Ararat," replied Pinzon. "You sat upon +the deck until we ran plumb into an island, after floating about for +three months, and then you couldn't tell it from a continent, even +when you had it right before your eyes. Noah might just as well have +told his family that he discovered a roof garden as for you to go +back to Spain telling 'em all that San Salvador was the United +States." + +"Well, I don't care," said Columbus, with a short laugh. "I'm the +one they celebrate, so what's the odds? I'd rather stay down here in +the smoking-room enjoying a small game, anyhow, than climb up that +mast and strain my eyes for ten or a dozen hours looking for evidence +to prove or disprove the correctness of another man's theory. I +wouldn't know evidence when I saw it, anyhow. Send Judge +Blackstone." + +"I draw the line at the mizzentop," observed Blackstone. "The +dignity of the bench must and shall be preserved, and I'll never +consent to climb up that rigging, getting pitch and paint on my +ermine, no matter who asks me to go." + +"Whomsoever I tell to go, shall go," put in Holmes, firmly. "I am +commander of this ship. It will pay you to remember that, Judge +Blackstone." + +"And I am the Court of Appeals," retorted Blackstone, hotly. "Bear +that in mind, captain, when you try to send me up. I'll issue a writ +of habeas corpus on my own body, and commit you for contempt." + +"There's no use of sending the Judge, anyhow," said Raleigh, fearing +by the glitter that came into the eye of the commander that trouble +might ensue unless pacificatory measures were resorted to. "He's +accustomed to weighing everything carefully, and cannot be rushed +into a decision. If he saw any evidence, he'd have to sit on it a +week before reaching a conclusion. What we need here more than +anything else is an expert seaman, a lookout, and I nominate Shem. +He has sailed under his father, and I have it on good authority that +he is a nautical expert." + +Holmes hesitated for an instant. He was considering the necessity of +disciplining the recalcitrant Blackstone, but he finally yielded. + +"Very well," he said. "Shem be it. Bo'sun, pipe Shem on deck, and +tell him that general order number one requires him to report at the +mizzentop right away, and that immediately he sees anything he shall +come below and make it known to me. As for the rest of us, having a +very considerable appetite, I do now decree that it is dinner-time. +Shall we go below?" + +"I don't think I care for any, thank you," said Raleigh. "Fact is-- +ah--I dined last week, and am not hungry." + +Noah laughed. "Oh, come below and watch us eat, then," he said. +"It'll do you good." + +But there was no reply. Raleigh had plunged head first into his +state-room, which fortunately happened to be on the upper deck. The +rest of the spirits repaired below to the saloon, where they were +soon engaged in an animated discussion of such viands as the larder +provided. + +"This," said Dr. Johnson, from the head of the table, "is what I call +comfort. I don't know that I am so anxious to recover the House- +boat, after all." + +"Nor I," said Socrates, "with a ship like this to go off cruising on, +and with such a larder. Look at the thickness of that puree, Doctor- +-" + +"Excuse me," said Boswell, faintly, "but I--I've left my note--bub-- +book upstairs, Doctor, and I'd like to go up and get it." + +"Certainly," said Dr. Johnson. "I judge from your color, which is +highly suggestive of a modern magazine poster, that it might be well +too if you stayed on deck for a little while and made a few entries +in your commonplace book." + +"Thank you," said Boswell, gratefully. "Shall you say anything +clever during dinner, sir? If so, I might be putting it down while +I'm up--" + +"Get out!" roared the Doctor. "Get up as high as you can--get up +with Shem on the mizzentop--" + +"Very good, sir," replied Boswell, and he was off. + +"You ought to be more lenient with him, Doctor," said Bonaparte; "he +means well." + +"I know it," observed Johnson; "but he's so very previous. Last +winter, at Chaucer's dinner to Burns, I made a speech, which Boswell +printed a week before it was delivered, with the words 'laughter' and +'uproarious applause' interspersed through it. It placed me in a +false position." + +"How did he know what you were going to say?" queried Demosthenes. + +"Don't know," replied Johnson. "Kind of mind-reader, I fancy," he +added, blushing a trifle. "But, Captain Holmes, what do you deduce +from your observation of the wake of the House-boat? If she's going +to Paris, why the change?" + +"I have two theories," replied the detective. + +"Which is always safe," said Le Coq. + +"Always; it doubles your chances of success," acquiesced Holmes. +"Anyhow, it gives you a choice, which makes it more interesting. The +change of her course from Londonward to Parisward proves to me either +that Kidd is not satisfied with the extent of the revenge he has +already taken, and wishes to ruin you gentlemen financially by +turning your wives, daughters, and sisters loose on the Parisian +shops, or that the pirates have themselves been overthrown by the +ladies, who have decided to prolong their cruise and get some fun out +of their misfortune." + +"And where else than to Paris would any one in search of pleasure +go?" asked Bonaparte. + +"I had more fun a few miles outside of Brussels," said Wellington, +with a sly wink at Washington. + +"Oh, let up on that!" retorted Bonaparte. "It wasn't you beat me at +Waterloo. You couldn't have beaten me at a plain ordinary game of +old-maid with a stacked pack of cards, much less in the game of war, +if you hadn't had the elements with you." + +"Tut!" snapped Wellington. "It was clear science laid you out, +Boney." + +"Taisey-voo!" shouted the irate Corsican. "Clear science be hanged! +Wet science was what did it. If it hadn't been for the rain, my +little Duke, I should have been in London within a week, my +grenadiers would have been camping in your Rue Peekadeely, and the +Old Guard all over everywhere else." + +"You must have had a gay army, then," laughed Caesar. "What are +French soldiers made of, that they can't stand the wet--unshrunk +linen or flannel?" + +"Bah!" observed Napoleon, shrugging his shoulders and walking a few +paces away. "You do not understand the French. The Frenchman is not +a pell-mell soldier like you Romans; he is the poet of arms; he does +not go in for glory at the expense of his dignity; style, form, is +dearer to him than honor, and he has no use for fighting in the wet +and coming out of the fight conspicuous as a victor with the curl out +of his feathers and his epaulets rusted with the damp. There is no +glory in water. But if we had had umbrellas and mackintoshes, as +every Englishman who comes to the Continent always has, and a bath- +tub for everybody, then would your Waterloo have been different +again, and the great democracy of Europe with a Bonaparte for emperor +would have been founded for what the Americans call the keeps; and as +for your little Great Britain, ha! she would have become the +Blackwell's Island of the Greater France." + +"You're almost as funny as Punch isn't," drawled Wellington, with an +angry gesture at Bonaparte. "You weren't within telephoning distance +of victory all day. We simply played with you, my boy. It was a +regular game of golf for us. We let you keep up pretty close and win +a few holes, but on the home drive we had you beaten in one stroke. +Go to, my dear Bonaparte, and stop talking about the flood." + +"It's a lucky thing for us that Noah wasn't a Frenchman, eh?" said +Frederick the Great. "How that rain would have fazed him if he had +been! The human race would have been wiped out." + +"Oh, pshaw!" ejaculated Noah, deprecating the unseemliness of the +quarrel, and putting his arm affectionately about Bonaparte's +shoulder. "When you come down to that, I was French--as French as +one could be in those days--and these Gallic subjects of my friend +here were, every one of 'em, my lineal descendants, and their hatred +of rain was inherited directly from me, their ancestor." + +"Are not we English as much your descendants?" queried Wellington, +arching his eyebrows. + +"You are," said Noah, "but you take after Mrs. Noah more than after +me. Water never fazes a woman, and your delight in tubs is an +essentially feminine trait. The first thing Mrs. Noah carried aboard +was a laundry outfit, and then she went back for rugs and coats and +all sorts of hand-baggage. Gad, it makes me laugh to this day when I +think of it! She looked for all the world like an Englishman +travelling on the Continent as she walked up the gang-plank behind +the elephants, each elephant with a Gladstone bag in his trunk and a +hat-box tied to his tail." Here the venerable old weather-prophet +winked at Munchausen, and the little quarrel which had been imminent +passed off in a general laugh. + +"Where's Boswell? He ought to get that anecdote," said Johnson. + +"I've locked him up in the library," said Holmes. "He's in charge of +the log, and as I have a pretty good general idea as to what is about +to happen, I have mapped out a skeleton of the plot and set him to +work writing it up." Here the detective gave a sudden start, placed +his hand to his ear, listened intently for an instant, and, taking +out his watch and glancing at it, added, quietly, "In three minutes +Shem will be in here to announce a discovery, and one of great +importance, I judge, from the squeak." + +The assemblage gazed earnestly at Holmes for a moment. + +"The squeak?" queried Raleigh. + +"Precisely," said Holmes. "The squeak is what I said, and as I +always say what I mean, it follows logically that I meant what I +said." + +"I heard no squeak," observed Dr. Johnson; "and, furthermore, I fail +to see how a squeak, if I had heard it, would have portended a +discovery of importance." + +"It would not--to you," said Holmes; "but with me it is different. +My hearing is unusually acute. I can hear the dropping of a pin +through a stone wall ten feet thick; any sound within a mile of my +eardrum vibrates thereon with an intensity which would surprise you, +and it is by the use of cocaine that I have acquired this wonderfully +acute sense. A property which dulls the senses of most people +renders mine doubly apprehensive; therefore, gentlemen, while to you +there was no auricular disturbance, to me there was. I heard Shem +sliding down the mast a minute since. The fact that he slid down the +mast instead of climbing down the rigging showed that he was in great +haste, therefore he must have something to communicate of great +importance." + +"Why isn't he here already, then? It wouldn't take him two minutes +to get from the deck here," asked the ever-auspicious Le Coq. + +"It is simple," returned Holmes, calmly. "If you will go yourself +and slide down that mast you will see. Shem has stopped for a little +witch-hazel to soothe his burns. It is no cool matter sliding down a +mast two hundred feet in height." + +As Sherlock Holmes spoke the door burst open and Shem rushed in. + +"A signal of distress, captain!" he cried. + +"From what quarter--to larboard?" asked Holmes. + +"No," returned Shem, breathless. + +"Then it must be dead ahead," said Holmes. + +"Why not to starboard?" asked Le Coq, dryly. + +"Because," answered Holmes, confidently, "it never happens so. If +you had ever read a truly exciting sea-tale, my dear Le Coq, you +would have known that interesting things, and particularly signals of +distress, are never seen except to larboard or dead ahead." + +A murmur of applause greeted this retort, and Le Coq subsided. + +"The nature of the signal?" demanded Holmes. + +"A black flag, skull and cross-bones down, at half-mast!" cried Shem, +"and on a rock-bound coast!" + +"They're marooned, by heavens!" shouted Holmes, springing to his feet +and rushing to the deck, where he was joined immediately by Sir +Walter, Dr. Johnson, Bonaparte, and the others. + +"Isn't he a daisy?" whispered Demosthenes to Diogenes as they climbed +the stairs. + +"He is more than that; he's a blooming orchid," said Diogenes, with +intense enthusiasm. "I think I'll get my X-ray lantern and see if +he's honest." + + + +CHAPTER IX: CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE + + + +"Excuse me, your Majesty," remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra +accorded permission to Captain Kidd to speak, "I have not been +introduced to this gentleman nor has he been presented to me, and I +really cannot consent to any proceeding so irregular as this. I do +not speak to gentlemen I have not met, nor do I permit them to +address me." + +"Hear, hear!" cried Xanthippe. "I quite agree with the principle of +my young friend from Troy. It may be that when we claimed for +ourselves all the rights of men that the right to speak and be spoken +to by other men without an introduction will included in the list, +but I for one have no desire to avail myself of the privilege, +especially when it's a horrid-looking man like this." + +Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of the +ladies fainted. + +"I will withdraw," he said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be said +that his suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt wish, for now that +he found himself thus conspicuously brought before so many women, +with falsehood on his lips, his courage began to ooze. + +"Not yet, please," answered the chairlady. "I imagine we can get +about this difficulty without much trouble." + +"I think it a perfectly proper objection too," observed Delilah, +rising. "If we ever needed etiquette we need it now. But I have a +plan which will obviate any further difficulty. If there is no one +among us who is sufficiently well acquainted with the gentleman to +present him formally to us, I will for the time being take upon +myself the office of ship's barber and cut his hair. I understand +that it is quite the proper thing for barbers to talk, while cutting +their hair, to persons to whom they have not been introduced. And, +besides, he really needs a hair-cut badly. Thus I shall establish an +acquaintance with the captain, after which I can with propriety +introduce him to the rest of you." + +"Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to that," put in Queen +Elizabeth. "If I remember rightly, your last customer was very much +dissatisfied with the trim you gave him." + +"It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah proposes," said Mrs. Noah, +with a kindly smile, as she rose up from the corner in which she had +been sitting, an interested listener. "I can introduce the gentleman +to you all with perfect propriety. He's a member of my family. His +grandfather was the great-grandson a thousand and eight times removed +of my son Shem's great-grandnephew on his father's side. His +relationship to me is therefore obvious, though from what I know of +his reputation I think he takes more after my husband's ancestors +than my own. Willie, dear, these ladies are friends of mine. +Ladies, this young man is one of my most famous descendants. He has +been a man of many adventures, and he has been hanged once, which, +far from making him undesirable as an acquaintance, has served merely +to render him harmless, and therefore a safe person to know. Now, my +son, go ahead and speak your piece." + +The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the objectors +having thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began. + +"Now that I know you all," he remarked, as pleasantly as he could +under the circumstances, "I feel that I can speak more freely, and +certainly with a great deal less embarrassment than if I were +addressing a gathering of entire strangers. I am not much of a hand +at speaking, and have always felt somewhat nonplussed at finding +myself in a position of this nature. In my whole career I never +experienced but one irresistible impulse to make a public address of +any length, and that was upon that unhappy occasion to which the +greatest and grandest of my great-grandmothers has alluded, and that +only as the chain by which I was suspended in mid-air tightened about +my vocal chords. At that moment I could have talked impromptu for a +year, so fast and numerously did thoughts of the uttermost import +surge upward into my brain; but circumstances over which I had no +control prevented the utterance of those thoughts, and that speech is +therefore lost to the world." + +"He has the gift of continuity," observed Madame Recamier. + +"Ought to be in the United States Senate," smiled Elizabeth. + +"I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is outrageously +handsome or desperately ugly," remarked Helen of Troy. "He +fascinates me, but whether it is the fascination of liking or of +horror I can't tell, and it's quite important." + +"Ladies," resumed the captain, his uneasiness increasing as he came +to the point, "I am but the agent of your respective husbands, +fiances, and other masculine guardians. The gentlemen who were +previously the tenants of this club-house have delegated to me the +important, and I may add highly agreeable, task of showing you the +world. They have noted of late years the growth of that feeling of +unrest which is becoming every day more and more conspicuous in +feminine circles in all parts of the universe--on the earth, where +women are clamoring to vote, and to be allowed to go out late at +night without an escort, in Hades, where, as you are no doubt aware, +the management of the government has fallen almost wholly into the +hands of the Furies; and even in the halls of Jupiter himself, where, +I am credibly informed, Juno has been taking private lessons in the +art of hurling thunderbolts--information which the extraordinary +quality of recent electrical storms on the earth would seem to +confirm. Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither and yon in +a most erratic fashion, striking where they were least expected, as +those of you who keep in touch with the outer world must be fully +aware. Now, actuated by their usual broad and liberal motives, the +men of Hades wish to meet the views of you ladies to just that extent +that your views are based upon a wise selection, in turn based upon +experience, and they have come to me and in so many words have said, +'Mr. Kidd, we wish the women of Hades to see the world. We want them +to be satisfied. We do not like this constantly increasing spirit of +unrest. We, who have seen all the life that we care to see, do not +ourselves feel equal to the task of showing them about. We will pay +you liberally if you will take our House-boat, which they have always +been anxious to enter, and personally conduct our beloved ones to +Paris, London, and elsewhere. Let them see as much of life as they +can stand. Accord them every privilege. Spare no expense; only +bring them back again to us safe and sound.' These were their words, +ladies. I asked them why they didn't come along themselves, saying +that even if they were tired of it all, they should make some +personal sacrifice to your comfort; and they answered, reasonably and +well, that they would be only too glad to do so, but that they feared +they might unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon +you. 'We want them to feel absolutely free, Captain Kidd,' said +they, 'and if we are along they may not feel so.' The answer was +convincing, ladies, and I accepted the commission." + +"But we knew nothing of all this," interposed Elizabeth. "The +subject was not broached to us by our husbands, brothers, fiances, or +fathers. My brother, Sir Walter Raleigh--" + +Cleopatra chuckled. "Brother! Brother's good," she said. + +"Well, that's what he is," retorted Elizabeth, quickly. "I promised +to be a sister to him, and I'm going to keep my word. That's the +kind of a queen I am. I was about to remark," Elizabeth added, +turning to the captain, "that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh, never +even hinted at any such plan, and usually he asked my advice in +matters of so great importance." + +"That is easily accounted for, madame," retorted Kidd. "Sir Walter +intended this as a little surprise for you, that is all. The +arrangements were all placed in his hands, and it was he who bound us +all to secrecy. None of the ladies were to be informed of it." + +"It does not sound altogether plausible," interposed Portia. "If you +ladies do not object, I should like to cross-examine this--ah-- +gentleman." + +Kidd paled visibly. He was not prepared for any such trial; however, +he put as good a face on the matter as he could, and announced his +willingness to answer any questions that he might be asked. + +"Shall we put him under oath?" asked Cleopatra. + +"As you please, ladies," said the pirate. "A pirate's word is as +good as his bond; but I'll take an oath if you choose--a half-dozen +of 'em, if need be." + +"I fancy we can get along without that," said Portia. "Now, Captain +Kidd, who first proposed this plan?" + +"Socrates," said Kidd, unblushingly with a sly glance at Xanthippe. + +"What?" cried Xanthippe. "My husband propose anything that would +contribute to my pleasure or intellectual advancement? Bah! Your +story is transparently false at the outset." + +"Nevertheless," said Kidd, "the scheme was proposed by Socrates. He +said a trip of that kind for Xanthippe would be very restful and +health-giving." + +"For me?" cried Xanthippe, sceptically. + +"No, madame, for him," retorted Kidd. + +"Ah--ho-ho! That's the way of it, eh?" said Xanthippe, flushing to +the roots of her hair. "Very likely. You--ah--you will excuse my +doubting your word, Captain Kidd, a moment since. I withdraw my +remark, and in order to make fullest reparation, I beg to assure +these ladies that I am now perfectly convinced that you are telling +the truth. That last observation is just like my husband, and when I +get back home again, if I ever do, well--ha, ha!--we'll have a merry +time, that's all." + +"And what was--ah--Bassanio's connection with this affair?" added +Portia, hesitatingly. + +"He was not informed of it," said Kidd, archly. "I am not acquainted +with Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard Sir Walter enjoining upon the +others the absolute necessity of keeping the whole affair from +Bassanio, because he was afraid he would not consent to it. +'Bassanio has a most beautiful wife, gentlemen,' said Sir Walter, +'and he wouldn't think of parting with her under any circumstances; +therefore let us keep our intentions a secret from him.' I did not +hear whom the gentleman married, madame; but the others, Prince +Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham, and Louis the Fourteenth, all agreed +that Mrs. Bassanio was too beautiful a person to be separated from, +and that it was better, therefore, to keep Bassanio in the dark as to +their little enterprise until it was too late for him to interfere." + +A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of the cross- +examiner, and it did not require a very sharp eye to see that the +wily Kidd had completely won her over to his side. On the other +hand, Elizabeth's brow became as corrugated as her ruff, and the +spirit of the pirate shivered to the core as he turned and gazed upon +that glowering face. + +"Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?" snapped Elizabeth. "And yet he +was willing to part with--ah--his sister." + +"Well, your Majesty," began Kidd, hesitatingly, "you see it was this +way: Sir Walter--er--did say that, but--ah--he--ah--but he added +that he of course merely judged--er--this man Bassanio's feelings by +his own in parting from his sister--" + +"Did he say sister?" cried Elizabeth. + +"Well--no--not in those words," shuffled Kidd, perceiving quickly +wherein his error lay, "but--ah--I jumped at the conclusion, seeing +his intense enthusiasm for the lady's beauty and--er--intellectual +qualities, that he referred to you, and it is from yourself that I +have gained my knowledge as to the fraternal, not to say sororal, +relationship that exists between you." + +"That man's a diplomat from Diplomaville!" muttered Sir Henry Morgan, +who, with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was listening at the port without. + +"He is that," said Abeuchapeta, "but he can't last much longer. He's +perspiring like a pitcher of ice-water on a hot day, and a spirit of +his size and volatile nature can't stand much of that without +evaporating. If you will observe him closely you will see that his +left arm already has vanished into thin air." + +"By Jove!" whispered Conrad, "that's a fact! If they don't let up on +him he'll vanish. He's getting excessively tenuous about the top of +his head." + +All of which was only too true. Subjected to a scrutiny which he had +little expected, the deceitful ambassador of the thieving band was +rapidly dissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely noted, +was in imminent danger of complete sublimation, which, in the case of +one possessed of so little elementary purity, meant nothing short of +annihilation. Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful tact had +stemmed the tide of suspicion. Elizabeth was satisfied with his +explanation, and in the minds of at least three of the most +influential ladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he had +become a creature worthy of credence, which meant that he had nothing +more to fear. + +"I am prepared, your Majesty," said Elizabeth, addressing Cleopatra, +"to accept from this time on the gentleman's word. The little that +he has already told us is hall-marked with truth. I should like to +ask, however, one more question, and that is how our gentleman +friends expected to embark us upon this voyage without letting us +into the secret?" + +"Oh, as for that," replied Kidd, with a deep-drawn sigh of relief, +for he too had noticed the gradual evaporation of his arm and the +incipient etherization of his cranium--"as for that, it was simple +enough. There was to have been a day set apart for ladies' day at +the club, and when you were all on board we were quietly to weigh +anchor and start. The fact that you had anticipated the day, of your +own volition, was telephoned by my scouts to me at my headquarters, +and that news was by me transmitted by messenger to Sir Walter at +Charon's Glen Island, where the long-talked-of fight between Samson +and Goliath was taking place. Raleigh immediately replied, 'Good! +Start at once. Paris first. Unlimited credit. Love to Elizabeth.' +Wherefore, ladies," he added, rising from his chair and walking to +the door--"wherefore you are here and in my care. Make yourselves +comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion papers which you have +already received prepare yourselves for the joys that await you. +With the aid of Madame Recamier and Baedeker's Paris, which you will +find in the library, it will be your own fault if when you arrive +there you resemble a great many less fortunate women who don't know +what they want." + +With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and fainted in +the arms of Sir Henry Morgan. The strain upon him had been too +great. + +"A charming fellow," said Portia, as the pirate disappeared. + +"Most attractive," said Elizabeth. + +"Handsome, too, don't you think?" asked Helen of Troy. + +"And truthful beyond peradventure," observed Xanthippe, as she +reflected upon the words the captain had attributed to Socrates. "I +didn't believe him at first, but when he told me what my sweet- +tempered philosopher had said, I was convinced." + +"He's a sweet child," interposed Mrs. Noah, fondly. "One of my +favorite grandchildren." + +"Which makes it embarrassing for me to say," cried Cassandra, +starting up angrily, "that he is a base caitiff!" + +Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could not have +created a greater sensation than the words of Cassandra. + +"What?" cried several voices at once. "A caitiff?" + +"A caitiff with a capital K," retorted Cassandra. "I know that, +because while he was telling his story I was listening to it with one +ear and looking forward into the middle of next week with the other-- +I mean the other eye--and I saw--" + +"Yes, you saw?" cried Cleopatra. + +"I saw that he was deceiving us. Mark my words, ladies, he is a base +caitiff," replied Cassandra--"a base caitiff." + +"What did you see?" cried Elizabeth, excitedly. + +"This," said Cassandra, and she began a narration of future events +which I must defer to the next chapter. Meanwhile his associates +were endeavoring to restore the evaporated portions of the prostrated +Kidd's spirit anatomy by the use of a steam-atomizer, but with +indifferent success. Kidd's training had not fitted him for an +intellectual combat with superior women, and he suffered accordingly. + + + +CHAPTER X: A WARNING ACCEPTED + + + +"It is with no desire to interrupt my friend Cassandra +unnecessarily," said Mrs. Noah, as the prophetess was about to +narrate her story, "that I rise to beg her to remember that, as an +ancestress of Captain Kidd, I hope she will spare a grandmother's +feelings, if anything in the story she is about to tell is improper +to be placed before the young. I have been so shocked by the stories +of perfidy and baseness generally that have been published of late +years, that I would interpose a protest while there is yet time if +there is a line in Cassandra's story which ought to be withheld from +the public; a protest based upon my affection for posterity, and in +the interests of morality everywhere." + +"You may rest easy upon that score, my dear Mrs. Noah," said the +prophetess. "What I have to say would commend itself, I am sure, +even to the ears of a British matron; and while it is as complete a +demonstration of man's perfidy as ever was, it is none the less as +harmless a little tale as the Dottie Dimple books or any other more +recent study of New England character." + +"Thank you for the load your words have lifted from my mind," said +Mrs. Noah, settling back in her chair, a satisfied expression upon +her gentle countenance. "I hope you will understand why I spoke, and +withal why modern literature generally has been so distressful to me. +When you reflect that the world is satisfied that most of man's +criminal instincts are the result of heredity, and that Mr. Noah and +I are unable to shift the responsibility for posterity to other +shoulders than our own, you will understand my position. We were +about the most domestic old couple that ever lived, and when we see +the long and varied assortment of crimes that are cropping out +everywhere in our descendants it is painful to us to realize what a +pair of unconsciously wicked old fogies we must have been." + +"We all understand that," said Cleopatra, kindly; "and we are all +prepared to acquit you of any responsibility for the advanced +condition of wickedness to-day. Man has progressed since your time, +my dear grandma, and the modern improvements in the science of crime +are no more attributable to you than the invention of the telephone +or the oyster cocktail is attributable to your husband." + +"Thank you kindly," murmured the old lady, and she resumed her +knitting upon a phantom tam-o'-shanter, which she was making as a +Christmas surprise for her husband. + +"When Captain Kidd began his story," said Cassandra, "he made one +very bad mistake, and yet one which was prompted by that courtesy +which all men instinctively adopt when addressing women. When he +entered the room he removed his hat, and therein lay his fatal error, +if he wished to convince me of the truth of his story, for with his +hat removed I could see the workings of his mind. While you ladies +were watching his lips or his eyes, some of you taking in the +gorgeous details of his dress, all of you hanging upon his every +word, I kept my eye fixed firmly upon his imagination, and I saw, +what you did not, THAT HE WAS DRAWING WHOLLY UPON THAT!" + +"How extraordinary!" cried Elizabeth. + +"Yes--and fortunate," said Cassandra. "Had I not done so, a week +hence we should, every one of us, have been lost in the surging +wickedness of the city of Paris." + +"But, Cassandra," said Trilby, who was anxious to return once more to +the beautiful city by the Seine, "he told us we were going to Paris." + +"Of course he did," said Madame Recamier, "and in so many words. +Certainly he was not drawing upon his imagination there." + +"And one might be lost in a very much worse place," put in Marguerite +de Valois, "if, indeed, it were possible to lose us in Paris at all. +I fancy that I know enough about Paris to find my way about." + +"Humph!" ejaculated Cassandra. "What a foolish little thing you are! +You don't imagine that the Paris of to-day is the Paris of your time, +or even the Paris of that sweet child Trilby's time, do you? If you +do you are very much mistaken. I almost wish I had not warned you of +your danger and had let you go, just to see those eyes of yours open +with amazement at the change. You'd find your Louvre a very +different sort of a place from what it used to be, my dear lady. +Those pleasing little windows through which your relations were wont +in olden times to indulge in target practice at people who didn't go +to their church are now kept closed; the galleries which used to +swarm with people, many of whom ought to have been hanged, now swarm +with pictures, many of which ought not to have been hung; the romance +which clung about its walls is as much a part of the dead past as +yourselves, and were you to materialize suddenly therein you would +find yourselves jostled and hustled and trodden upon by the curious +from other lands, with Argus eyes taking in five hundred pictures a +minute, and traversing those halls at a rate of speed at which +Mercury himself would stand aghast." + +"But my beloved Tuileries?" cried Marie Antoinette. + +"Has been swallowed up by a play-ground for the people, my dear," +said Cassandra, gently. "Paris is no place for us, and it is the +intention of these men, in whose hands we are, to take us there and +then desert us. Can you imagine anything worse than ourselves, the +phantoms of a glorious romantic past, basely deserted in the streets +of a wholly strange, superficial, material city of to-day? What do +you think, Elizabeth, would be your fate if, faint and famished, you +begged for sustenance at an English door to-day, and when asked your +name and profession were to reply, 'Elizabeth, Queen of England'?" + +"Insane asylum," said Elizabeth, shortly. + +"Precisely. So in Paris with the rest of us," said Cassandra. + +"How do you know all this?" asked Trilby, still unconvinced. + +"I know it just as you knew how to become a prima donna," said +Cassandra. "I am, however, my own Svengali, which is rather +preferable to the patent detachable hypnotizer you had. I hypnotize +myself, and direct my mind into the future. I was a professional +forecaster in the days of ancient Troy, and if my revelations had +been heeded the Priam family would, I doubt not, still be doing +business at the old stand, and Mr. AEneas would not have grown round- +shouldered giving his poor father a picky-back ride on the opening +night of the horse-show, so graphically depicted by Virgil." + +"I never heard about that," said Trilby. "It sounds like a very +funny story, though." + +"Well, it wasn't so humorous for some as it was for others," said +Cassandra, with a sly glance at Helen. "The fact is, until you +mentioned it yourself, it never occurred to me that there was much +fun in any portion of the Trojan incident, excepting perhaps the +delirium tremens of old Laocoon, who got no more than he deserved for +stealing my thunder. I had warned Troy against the Greeks, and they +all laughed at me, and said my eye to the future was strabismatic; +that the Greeks couldn't get into Troy at all, even if they wanted +to. And then the Greeks made a great wooden horse as a gift for the +Trojans, and when I turned my X-ray gaze upon it I saw that it +contained about six brigades of infantry, three artillery regiments, +and sharp-shooters by the score. It was a sort of military Noah's +Ark; but I knew that the prejudice against me was so strong that +nobody would believe what I told them. So I said nothing. My +prophecies never came true, they said, failing to observe that my +warning as to what would be was in itself the cause of their non- +fulfilment. But desiring to save Troy, I sent for Laocoon and told +him all about it, and he went out and announced it as his own private +prophecy; and then, having tried to drown his conscience in strong +waters, he fell a victim to the usual serpentine hallucination, and +everybody said he wasn't sober, and therefore unworthy of belief. +The horse was accepted, hauled into the city, and that night orders +came from hindquarters to the regiments concealed inside to march. +They marched, and next morning Troy had been removed from the map; +ninety per cent of the Trojans died suddenly, and AEneas, grabbing up +his family in one hand and his gods in the other, went yachting for +several seasons, ultimately settling down in Italy. All of this +could have been avoided if the Trojans would have taken the hint from +my prophecies. They preferred, however, not to do it, with the +result that to-day no one but Helen and myself knows even where Troy +was, and we'll never tell." + +"It is all true," said Helen, proudly. "I was the woman who was at +the bottom of it all, and I can testify that Cassandra always told +the truth, which is why she was always so unpopular. When anything +that was unpleasant happened, after it was all over she would turn +and say, sweetly, 'I told you so.' She was the original 'I told you +so' nuisance, and of course she had the newspapyruses down on her, +because she never left them any sensation to spring upon the public. +If she had only told a fib once in a while, the public would have had +more confidence in her." + +"Thank you for your endorsement," said Cassandra, with a nod at +Helen. "With such testimony I cannot see how you can refrain from +taking my advice in this matter; and I tell you, ladies, that this +man Kidd has made his story up out of whole cloth; the men of Hades +had no more to do with our being here than we had; they were as much +surprised as we are to find us gone. Kidd himself was not aware of +our presence, and his object in taking us to Paris is to leave us +stranded there, disembodied spirits, vagrant souls with no familiar +haunts to haunt, no place to rest, and nothing before us save +perpetual exile in a world that would have no sympathy for us in our +misfortune, and no belief in our continued existence." + +"But what, then, shall we do?" cried Ophelia, wringing her hands in +despair. + +"It is a terrible problem," said Cleopatra, anxiously; "and yet it +does seem as if our woman's instinct ought to show us some way out of +our trouble." + +"The Committee on Treachery," said Delilah, "has already suggested a +chafing-dish party, with Lucretia Borgia in charge of the lobster +Newberg." + +"That is true," said Lucretia; "but I find, in going through my +reticule, that my maid, for some reason unknown to me, has failed to +renew my supply of poisons. I shall discharge her on my return home, +for she knows that I never go anywhere without them; but that does +not help matters at this juncture. The sad fact remains that I could +prepare a thousand delicacies for these pirates without fatal +results." + +"You mean immediately fatal, do you not?" suggested Xanthippe. "I +could myself prepare a cake which would in time reduce our captors to +a state of absolute dependence, but of course the effect is not +immediate." + +"We might give a musicale, and let Trilby sing 'Ben Bolt' to them," +suggested Marguerite de Valois, with a giggle. + +"Don't be flippant, please," said Portia. "We haven't time to waste +on flippant suggestions. Perhaps a court-martial of these pirates, +supplemented by a yard-arm, wouldn't be a bad thing. I'll prosecute +the case." + +"You forget that you are dealing with immortal spirits," observed +Cleopatra. "If these creatures were mortals, hanging them would be +all right, and comparatively easy, considering that we outnumber them +ten to one, and have many resources for getting them, more or less, +in our power, but they are not. They have gone through the refining +process of dissolution once, and there's an end to that. Our only +resource is in the line of deception, and if we cannot deceive them, +then we have ceased to be women." + +"That is truly said," observed Elizabeth. "And inasmuch as we have +already provided ourselves with a suitable committee for the +preparation of our plans of a deceptive nature, I move, as the +easiest possible solution of the difficulty for the rest of us, that +the Committee on Treachery be requested to go at once into executive +session, with orders not to come out of it until they have suggested +a plausible plan of campaign against our abductors. We must be rid +of them. Let the Committee on Treachery say how." + +"Second the motion," said Mrs. Noah. "You are a very clear-headed +young woman, Lizzie, and your grandmother is proud of you." + +The Committee on Treachery were about to protest, but the chair +refused to entertain any debate upon the question, which was put and +carried with a storm of approval. + +Five minutes later a note was handed through the port, addressed to +Cleopatra, which read as follows: + + +"Dear Madame,--Six bells has just struck, and the officers and crew +are hungry. Will you and your fair companions co-operate with us in +our enterprise by having a hearty dinner ready within two hours? A +speck has appeared on the horizon which betokens a coming storm, else +we would prepare our supper ourselves. As it is, we feel that your +safety depends on our remaining on deck. If there is any beer on the +ice, we prefer it to tea. Two cases will suffice. + +"Yours respectfully, + +"HENRY MORGAN, Bart.; First Mate." + + +"Hurrah!" cried Cleopatra, as she read this communication. "I have +an idea. Tell the Committee on Treachery to appear before the full +meeting at once." + +The committee was summoned, and Cleopatra announced her plan of +operation, and it was unanimously adopted; but what it was we shall +have to wait for another chapter to learn. + + + +CHAPTER XI: MAROONED + + + +When Captain Holmes arrived upon deck he seized his glass, and, +gazing intently through it for a moment, perceived that the faithful +Shem had not deceived him. Flying at half-mast from a rude, roughly +hewn pole set upon a rocky height was the black flag, emblem of +piracy, and, as Artemus Ward put it, "with the second joints +reversed." It was in very truth a signal of distress. + +"I make it a point never to be surprised," observed Holmes, as he +peered through the glass, "but this beats me. I didn't know there +was an island of this nature in these latitudes. Blackstone, go +below and pipe Captain Cook on deck. Perhaps he knows what island +that is." + +"You'll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes," replied the Judge. "I +didn't ship on this voyage as a cabin-boy or a messenger-boy. +Therefore I--" + +"Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons," interrupted Holmes, sternly. "I +expect to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone, whether you shipped as a Lord +Chief-Justice or a state-room steward. When I issue an order it must +be obeyed. Step lively there, Bonaparte. Get his honor ironed and +summon your marines. We may have work to do before night. Hamlet, +pipe Captain Cook on deck." + +"Aye, aye, sir," replied Hamlet, with alacrity, as he made off. + +"That's the way to obey orders," said Holmes, with a scornful glance +at Blackstone. + +"I was only jesting, Captain," said the latter, paling somewhat. + +"That's all right," said Holmes, taking up his glass again. "So was +I when I ordered you in irons, and in order that you may appreciate +the full force of the joke I repeat it. Bonaparte, do your duty." + +In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge shortly +found himself manacled and alone in the forecastle. Meanwhile +Captain Cook, in response to the commander's order, repaired to the +deck and scanned the distant coast. + +"I can't place it," he said. "It can't be Monte Cristo, can it?" + +"No, it can't," said the Count, who stood hard by. "My island was in +the Mediterranean, and even if it dragged anchor it couldn't have got +out through the Strait of Gibraltar." + +"Perhaps it's Robinson Crusoe's island," suggested Doctor Johnson. + +"Not it," observed De Foe. "If it is, the rest of you will please +keep off. It's mine, and I may want to use it again. I've been +having a number of interviews with Crusoe latterly, and he's given me +a lot of new points, which I intend incorporating in a sequel for the +Cimmerian Magazine." + +"Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it, then?" roared Holmes, +angrily. "What is the matter with all you learned lubbers that I +have brought along on this trip? Do you suppose I've brought you to +whistle up favorable winds? Not by the beard of the Prophet! I +brought you to give me information, and now when I ask for the name +of a simple little island like that in plain sight there's not one of +you able so much as to guess at it reasonably. The next man I ask +for information goes into irons with Judge Blackstone if he doesn't +answer me instantly with the information I want. Munchausen, what +island is that?" + +"Ahem! that?" replied Munchausen, trembling, as he reflected upon the +Captain's threat. "What? Nobody knows what island that is? Why, +you surprise me - + +"See here, Baron," retorted Holmes, menacingly, "I ask you a plain +question, and I want a plain answer, with no evasions to gain time. +Now it's irons or an answer. What island is that?" + +"It's an island that doesn't appear on any chart, Captain," +Munchausen responded instantly, pulling himself together for a mighty +effort, "and it has never been given a name; but as you insist upon +having one, we'll call it Holmes Island, in your honor. It is not +stationary. It is a floating island of lava formation, and is a +menace to every craft that goes to sea. I spent a year of my life +upon it once, and it is more barren than the desert of Sahara, +because you cannot raise even sand upon it, and it is devoid of water +of any sort, salt or fresh." + +"What did you live on during that year?" asked Holmes, eying him +narrowly. + +"Canned food from wrecks," replied the Baron, feeling much easier now +that he had got a fair start--"canned food from wrecks, commander. +There is a magnetic property in the upper stratum of this piece of +derelict real estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of canned +substance that is lost overboard in all parts of the world. A ship +is wrecked, say, in the Pacific Ocean, and ultimately all the loose +metal upon her will succumb to the irresistible attraction of this +magnetic upper stratum, and will find its way to its shores. So in +any other part of the earth. Everything metallic turns up here +sooner or later; and when you consider that thousands of vessels go +down every year, vessels which are provisioned with tinned foods +only, you will begin to comprehend how many millions of pounds of +preserved salmon, sardines, pate de foie gras, peaches, and so on, +can be found strewn along its coast." + +"Munchausen," said Holmes, smiling, "by the blush upon your cheek, +coupled with an occasional uneasy glance of the eye, I know that for +once you are standing upon the, to you, unfamiliar ground of truth, +and I admire you for it. There is nothing to be ashamed of in +telling the truth occasionally. You are a man after my own heart. +Come below and have a cocktail. Captain Cook, take command of the +Gehenna during my absence; head her straight for Holmes Island, and +when you discover anything new let me know. Bonaparte, in honor of +Munchausen's remarkable genius, I proclaim general amnesty to our +prisoners, and you may release Blackstone from his dilemma; and if +you have any tin soldiers among your marines, see that they are +lashed to the rigging. I don't want this electric island of the +Baron's to get a grip upon my military force at this juncture." + +With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the two +worthies were soon deep in the mysteries of a phantom cocktail, while +Doctor Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out over the ocean at the +floating island. + +"De Foe," said Johnson "that ought to be a lesson to you. This +realism that you tie up to is all right when you are alone with your +conscience; but when there are great things afoot, an imagination and +a broad view as to the limitations of truth aren't at all bad. You +or I might now be drinking that cocktail with Holmes if we'd only +risen to the opportunity the way Munchausen did." + +"That is true," said De Foe, sadly. "But I didn't suppose he wanted +that kind of information. I could have spun a better yarn than that +of Munchausen's with my eyes shut. I supposed he wanted truth, and I +gave it." + +"I'd like to know what has become of the House-boat," said Raleigh, +anxiously gazing through the glass at the island. "I can see old +Henry Morgan sitting down there on the rocks with his elbows on his +knees and his chin in his hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are +standing back of him, yelling like mad, but there isn't a boat in +sight." + +"Who is that man, off to the right, dancing a fandango?" asked +Johnson. + +"It looks like Conrad, but I can't tell. He appears to have gone +crazy. He's got that wild look on his face which betokens insanity. +We'll have to be careful in our parleyings with these people," said +Raleigh. + +"Anything new?" asked Holmes, returning to the deck, smacking his +lips in enjoyment of the cocktail. + +"No--except that we are almost within hailing distance," said Cook. + +"Then give orders to cast anchor," observed Holmes. "Bonaparte, take +a crew of picked men ashore and bring those pirates aboard. Take the +three musketeers with you, and don't let Kidd or Morgan give you any +back talk. If they try any funny business, exorcise them." + +"Aye, aye, sir," replied Bonaparte, and in a moment a boat had been +lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors were pulling for the shore. As +they came within ten feet of it the pirates made a mad dash down the +rough, rocky hillside and clamored to be saved. + +"What's happened to you?" cried Bonaparte, ordering the sailors to +back water lest the pirates should too hastily board the boat and +swamp her. + +"We are marooned," replied Kidd, "and on an island of a volcanic +nature. There isn't a square inch of it that isn't heated up to 125 +degrees, and seventeen of us have already evaporated. Conrad has +lost his reason; Abeuchapeta has become so tenuous that a child can +see through him. As for myself, I am growing iridescent with +anxiety, and unless I get off this infernal furnace I'll disappear +like a soap-bubble. For Heaven's sake, then, General, take us off, +on your own terms. We'll accept anything." + +As if in confirmation of Kidd's words, six of the pirate crew +collapsed and disappeared into thin air, and a glance at Abeuchapeta +was proof enough of his condition. He had become as clear as +crystal, and had it not been for his rugged outlines he would hardly +have been visible even to his fellow-spirits. As for Kidd, he had +taken on the aspect of a rainbow, and it was patent that his fears +for himself were all too well founded. + +Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning +subsequently for the others, and repaired with them at once to the +Gehenna, where they were ushered into the presence of Sherlock +Holmes. The first question he asked was as to the whereabouts of the +House-boat. + +"That we do not know," replied Kidd, mournfully, gazing downward at +the wreck of his former self. "We came ashore, sir, early yesterday +morning, in search of food. It appears that when--acting in a wholly +inexcusable fashion, and influenced, I confess it, by motives of +revenge--I made off with your club-house, I neglected to ascertain if +it were well stocked with provisions, a fatal error; for when we +endeavored to get supper we discovered that the larder contained but +half a bottle of farcie olives, two salted almonds, and a soda +cracker--not a luxurious feast for sixty-nine pirates and a hundred +and eighty-three women to sit down to." + +"That's all nonsense," said Demosthenes. "The House Committee had +provided enough supper for six hundred people, in anticipation of the +appetite of the members on their return from the fight." + +"Of course they did," said Confucius; "and it was a good one, too-- +salads, salmon glace, lobsters--every blessed thing a man can't get +at home we had; and what is more, they'd been delivered on board. I +saw to that before I went up the river." + +"Then," moaned Kidd, "it is as I suspected. We were the victims of +base treachery on the part of those women." + +"Treachery? Well, I like that. Call it reciprocity," said Hamlet, +dryly. + +"We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing for supper +save the items I have already referred to," said Kidd. "I see it all +now. We had tried to make them comfortable, and I put myself to some +considerable personal inconvenience to make them easy in their minds, +but they were ungrateful." + +"Whatever induced you to take 'em along with you?" asked Socrates. + +"We didn't want them," said Kidd. + +"We didn't know they were on board until it was too late to turn +back. They'd broken in, and were having the club all to themselves +in your absence." + +"It served you good and right," said Socrates, with a laugh. "Next +time you try to take things that don't belong to you, maybe you'll be +a trifle more careful as to whose property you confiscate." + +"But the House-boat--you haven't told us how you lost her," put in +Raleigh, impatiently. + +"Well, it was this way," said Kidd. "When, in response to our polite +request for supper, the ladies said there was nothing to eat on +board, something had to be done, for we were all as hungry as bears, +and we decided to go ashore at the first port and provision. +Unfortunately the crew got restive, and when this floating frying-pan +loomed into view, to keep them good-natured we decided to land and +see if we could beg, borrow, or steal some supplies. We had to. +Observations taken with the sextant showed that there was no port +within five hundred miles; the island looked as if it might be +inhabited at least by goats, and ashore we went, every man of us, +leaving the House-boat safely anchored in the harbor. At first we +didn't mind the heat, and we hunted and hunted and hunted; but after +three or four hours I began to notice that three of my sailors were +shrivelling up, and Conrad began to act as if he were daft. Hawkins +burst right before my eyes. Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic around +the eyes and began to fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence about +myself; and as for Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to take +a nap in the sun, and when he waked up, his whole right side had +evaporated. Then we saw what the trouble was. We'd struck this lava +island, and were gradually succumbing to its intense heat. We rushed +madly back to the harbor to embark; and our ship, gentlemen, and your +House-boat, was slowly but surely disappearing over the horizon, and +flying from the flag-staff at the fore were signals of farewell, with +an unfeeling P.S. below to this effect: 'DON'T WAIT UP FOR US. WE +MAY NOT BE BACK UNTIL LATE.'" + +There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to himself, +while Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan wept silently. + +"That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know of the +whereabouts of the House-boat," continued Captain Kidd. "I have no +doubt that the ladies practised a deception, to our discomfiture, and +I must say that I think it was exceedingly clever--granting that it +was desirable to be rid of us, which I don't, for we meant well by +them, and they would have enjoyed themselves." + +"But," cried Hamlet, "may they not now be in peril? They cannot +navigate that ship." + +"They got her out of the harbor all right," said Kidd. "And I judged +from the figure at the helm that Mrs. Noah had taken charge. What +kind of a seaman she is I don't know." + +"Almighty bad," ejaculated Shem, turning pale. "It was she who ran +us ashore on Ararat." + +"Well, wasn't that what you wanted?" queried Munchausen. + +"What we wanted!" cried Shem. "Well, I guess not. You don't want +your yacht stranded on a mountain-top, do you? She was a dead loss +there, whereas if mother hadn't been in such a hurry to get ashore, +we could have waited a month and landed on the seaboard." + +"You might have turned her into a summer hotel," suggested +Munchausen. + +"Well, we must up anchor and away," said Holmes. "Our pursuit has +merely begun, apparently. We must overtake this vessel, and the +question to be answered is--where?" + +"That's easy," said Artemus Ward. "From what Shem says, I think we'd +better look for her in the Himalayas." + +"And, meanwhile, what shall be done with Kidd?" asked Holmes. + +"He ought to be expelled from the club," said Johnson. + +"We can't expel him, because he's not a member," replied Raleigh. + +"Then elect him," suggested Ward. + +"What on earth for?" growled Johnson. + +"So that we can expel him," said Ward. And while Boswell's hero was +trying to get the value of this notion through his head, the others +repaired to the deck, and the Gehenna was soon under way once more. +Meanwhile Captain Kidd and his fellows were put in irons and stowed +away in the forecastle, alongside of the water-cask in which Shylock +lay in hiding. + + + +CHAPTER XII: THE ESCAPE AND THE END + + + +If there was anxiety on board of the Gehenna as to the condition and +whereabouts of the House-boat, there was by no means less uneasiness +upon that vessel itself. Cleopatra's scheme for ridding herself and +her abducted sisters of the pirates had worked to a charm, but, +having worked thus, a new and hitherto undreamed-of problem, full of +perplexities bearing upon their immediate safety, now confronted +them. The sole representative of a seafaring family on board was +Mrs. Noah, and it did not require much time to see that her knowledge +as to navigation was of an extremely primitive order, limited indeed +to the science of floating. + +When the last pirate had disappeared behind the rocks of Holmes +Island, and all was in readiness for action, the good old lady, who +had hitherto been as calm and unruffled as a child, began to get red +in the face and to bustle about in a manner which betrayed +considerable perturbation of spirit. + +"Now, Mrs. Noah," said Cleopatra, as, peeping out from the billiard- +room window, she saw Morgan disappearing in the distance, "the coast +is clear, and I resign my position of chairman to you. We place the +vessel in your hands, and ourselves subject to your orders. You are +in command. What do you wish us to do?" + +"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, putting down her knitting and +starting for the deck. "I'm not certain, but I think the first thing +to do is to get her moving. Do you know, I've never discovered +whether this boat was a steamboat or a sailing-vessel? Does anybody +know?" + +"I think it has a naphtha tank and a propeller," said Elizabeth, +"although I don't know. It seems to me my brother Raleigh told me +they'd had a naphtha engine put in last winter after the freshet, +when the House-boat was carried ten miles down the river, and had to +be towed back at enormous expense. They put it in so that if she +were carried away again she could get back of her own power." + +"That's unfortunate," said Mrs. Noah, "because I don't know anything +about these new fangled notions. If there's any one here who knows +anything about naphtha engines, I wish they'd speak." + +"I'm of the opinion," said Portia, "that I can study out the theory +of it in a short while." + +"Very well, then," said Mrs. Noah, "you can do it. I'll appoint you +engineer, and give you all your orders now, right away, in advance. +Set her going and keep her going, and don't stop without a written +order signed by me. We might as well be very careful, and have +everything done properly, and it might happen that in the excitement +of our trip you would misunderstand my spoken orders and make a fatal +error. Therefore, pay no attention to unwritten orders. That will +do for you for the present. Xanthippe, you may take Ophelia and +Madame Recamier, and ten other ladies, and, every morning before +breakfast, swab the larboard deck. Cassandra, Tuesdays you will +devote to polishing the brasses in the dining-room, and the balance +of your time I wish you to expend in dusting the bric-a-brac. Dido, +you always were strong at building fires. I'll make you chief +stoker. You will also assist Lucretia Borgia in the kitchen. +Inasmuch as the latter's maid has neglected to supply her with the +usual line of poisons, I think we can safely entrust to Lucretia's +hands the responsibilities of the culinary department." + +"I'm perfectly willing to do anything I can," said Lucretia, "but I +must confess that I don't approve of your methods of commanding a +ship. A ship's captain isn't a domestic martinet, as you are setting +out to be. We didn't appoint you housekeeper." + +"Now, my child," said Mrs. Noah, firmly, "I do not wish any words. +If I hear any more impudence from you, I'll put you ashore without a +reference; and the rest of you I would warn in all kindness that I +will not tolerate insubordination. You may, all of you, have one +night of the week and alternate Sundays off, but your work must be +done. The regimen I am adopting is precisely that in vogue on the +Ark, only I didn't have the help I have now, and things got into very +bad shape. We were out forty days, and, while the food was poor and +the service execrable, we never lost a life." + +The boat gave a slight tremor. + +"Hurrah!" cried Elizabeth, clapping her hands with glee, "we are +off!" + +"I will repair to the deck and get our bearings," said Mrs. Noah, +putting her shawl over her shoulders. "Meantime, Cleopatra, I +appoint you first mate. See that things are tidied up a bit here +before I return. Have the windows washed, and to-morrow I want all +the rugs and carpets taken up and shaken." + +Portia meanwhile had discovered the naphtha engine, and, after +experimenting several times with the various levers and stop-cocks, +had finally managed to move one of them in such a way as to set the +engine going, and the wheel began to revolve. + +"Are we going all right?" she cried, from below. + +"I am afraid not," said the gallant commander. "The wheel is roiling +up the water at a great rate, but we don't seem to be going ahead +very fast--in fact, we're simply moving round and round as though we +were on a pivot." + +"I'm afraid we're aground amidships," said Xanthippe, gazing over the +side of the House-boat anxiously. "She certainly acts that way--like +a merry-go-round." + +"Well, there's something wrong," said Mrs. Noah; "and we've got to +hurry and find out what it is, or those men will be back and we shall +be as badly off as ever." + +"Maybe this has something to do with it," observed Mrs. Lot, pointing +to the anchor rope. "It looks to me as if those horrid men had tied +us fast." + +"That's just what it is," snapped Mrs. Noah. "They guessed our plan, +and have fastened us to a pole or something, but I imagine we can +untie it." + +Portia, who had come on deck, gave a short little laugh. + +"Why, of course we don't move," she said--"we are anchored!" + +"What's that?" queried Mrs. Noah. "We never had an experience like +that on the Ark." + +Portia explained the science of the anchor. + +"What nonsense!" ejaculated Mrs. Noah. "How can we get away from +it?" + +"We've got to pull it up," said Portia. "Order all hands on deck and +have it pulled up." + +"It can't be done, and, if it could, I wouldn't have it!" said Mrs. +Noah, indignantly. "The idea! Lifting heavy pieces of iron, my dear +Portia, is not a woman's work. Send for Delilah, and let her cut the +rope with her scissors." + +"It would take her a week to cut a hawser like that," said Elizabeth, +who had been investigating. "It would be more to the purpose, I +think, to chop it in two with an axe." + +"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, satisfied. "I don't care how it is +done as long as it is done quickly. It would never do for us to be +recaptured now." + +The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried out, and the queen herself +cut the hawser with six well-directed strokes of the axe. + +"You ARE an expert with it, aren't you?" smiled Cleopatra. + +"I am, indeed," replied Elizabeth, grimly. "I had it suspended over +my head for so long a time before I got to the throne that I couldn't +help familiarizing myself with some of its possibilities." + +"Ah!" cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel began to move. "I begin to feel +easier. It looks now as if we were really off." + +"It seems to me, though," said Cleopatra, gazing forward, "that we +are going backward." + +"Oh, well, what if we are!" said Mrs. Noah. "We did that on the Ark +half the time. It doesn't make any difference which way we are going +as long as we go, does it?" + +"Why, of course it does!" cried Elizabeth. "What can you be thinking +of? People who walk backward are in great danger of running into +other people. Why not the same with ships? It seems to me, it's a +very dangerous piece of business, sailing backward." + +"Oh, nonsense," snapped Mrs. Noah. "You are as timid as a zebra. +During the Flood, we sailed days and days and days, going backward. +It didn't make a particle of difference how we went--it was as safe +one way as another, and we got just as far away in the end. Our main +object now is to get away from the pirates, and that's what we are +doing. Don't get emotional, Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in +charge. If I think the boat ought to go sideways, sideways she shall +go. If you don't like it, it is still not too late to put you +ashore." + +The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, and she was satisfied, and all +went well with them, even if Portia had started the propeller +revolving reverse fashion; so that the House-boat was, as Elizabeth +had said, backing her way through the ocean. + +The day passed, and by slow degrees the island and the marooned +pirates faded from view, and the night came on, and with it a dense +fog. + +"We're going to have a nasty night, I am afraid," said Xanthippe, +looking anxiously out of the port. + +"No doubt," said Mrs. Noah, pleasantly. "I'm sorry for those who +have to be out in it." + +"That's what I was thinking about," observed Xanthippe. "It's going +to be very hard on us keeping watch." + +"Watch for what?" demanded Mrs. Noah, looking over the tops of her +glasses at Xanthippe. + +"Why, surely you are going to have lookouts stationed on deck?" said +Elizabeth. + +"Not at all," said Mrs. Noah. "Perfectly absurd. We never did it on +the Ark, and it isn't necessary now. I want you all to go to bed at +ten o'clock. I don't think the night air is good for you. Besides, +it isn't proper for a woman to be out after dark, whether she's new +or not." + +"But, my dear Mrs. Noah," expostulated Cleopatra, "what will become +of the ship?" + +"I guess she'll float through the night whether we are on deck or +not," said the commander. "The Ark did, why not this? Now, girls, +these new-fangled yachting notions are all nonsense. It's night, and +there's a fog as thick as a stone-wall all about us. If there were a +hundred of you upon deck with ten eyes apiece, you couldn't see +anything. You might much better be in bed. As your captain, +chaperon, and grandmother, I command you to stay below." + +"But--who is to steer?" queried Xanthippe. + +"What's the use of steering until we can see where to steer to?" +demanded Mrs. Noah. "I certainly don't intend to bother with that +tiller until some reason for doing it arises. We haven't any place +to steer to yet; we don't know where we are going. Now, my dear +children, be reasonable, and don't worry me. I've had a very hard +day of it, and I feel my responsibilities keenly. Just let me +manage, and we'll come out all right. I've had more experience than +any of you, and if--" + +A terrible crash interrupted the old lady's remarks. The House-boat +shivered and shook, careened way to one side, and as quickly righted +and stood still. A mad rush up the gangway followed, and in a moment +a hundred and eighty-three pale-faced, trembling women stood upon the +deck, gazing with horror at a great helpless hulk ten feet to the +rear, fastened by broken ropes and odd pieces of rigging to the +stern-posts of the House-boat, sinking slowly but surely into the +sea. + +It was the Gehenna! + +The House-boat had run her down and her last hour had come, but, +thanks to the stanchness of her build and wonderful beam, the +floating club-house had withstood the shock of the impact and now +rode the waters as gracefully as ever. + +Portia was the first to realize the extent of the catastrophe, and in +a short while chairs and life-preservers and tables--everything that +could float--had been tossed into the sea to the struggling immortals +therein. On board the Gehenna, those who had not cast themselves +into the waters, under the cool direction of Holmes and Bonaparte, +calmly lowered the boats, and in a short while were not only able to +felicitate themselves upon their safety, but had likewise the good +fortune to rescue their more impetuous brethren who had preferred to +swim for it. Ultimately, all were brought aboard the House-boat in +safety, and the men in Hades were once more reunited to their wives, +daughters, sisters, and fiancees, and Elizabeth had the satisfaction +of once more saving the life of Raleigh by throwing him her ruff as +she had done a year or so previously, when she and her brother had +been upset in the swift current of the river Styx. + +Order and happiness being restored, Holmes took command of the House- +boat and soon navigated her safely back into her old-time berth. The +Gehenna went to the bottom and was never seen again, and when the +roll was called it was found that all who had set out upon her had +returned in safety save Shylock, Kidd, Sir Henry Morgan, and +Abeuchapeta; but even they were not lost, for, five weeks later, +these four worthies were found early one morning drifting slowly up +the river Styx, gazing anxiously out from the top of a water-cask and +yelling lustily for help. + +And here endeth the chronicle of the pursuit of the good old House- +boat. Back to her moorings, the even tenor of her ways was once more +resumed, but with one slight difference. + +The ladies became eligible for membership, and, availing themselves +of the privilege, began to think less and less of the advantages of +being men and to rejoice that, after all, they were women; and even +Xanthippe and Socrates, after that night of peril, reconciled their +differences, and no longer quarrel as to which is the more entitled +to wear the toga of authority. It has become for them a divided +skirt. + +As for Kidd and his fellows, they have never recovered from the +effects of their fearful, though short, exile upon Holmes Island, and +are but shadows of their former shades; whereas Mr. Sherlock Holmes +has so endeared himself to his new-found friends that he is quite as +popular with them as he is with us, who have yet to cross the dark +river and be subjected to the scrutiny of the Committee on Membership +at the House-boat on the Styx. + +Even Hawkshaw has been able to detect his genius. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Pursuit of the House-Boat, by John Bangs + diff --git a/old/prhsb10.zip b/old/prhsb10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7acb5a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/prhsb10.zip |