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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 9, 1920</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Editor: Sir Owen Seaman</p> +<p>Release Date: January 29, 2010 [eBook #31119]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 158, JUNE 9, 1920***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page441" id="page441"></a>[pg 441]</span> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOLUME 158, Jan-Jul 1920</h2> + +<h2>June 9, 1920.</h2> + + <hr class="full" /> + + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>Owing to heavy storms the other +day one thousand London telephones +were thrown out of order. Very few +subscribers noticed the difference.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A camera capable of photographing +the most rapid moving objects in the +world is the latest invention of an +American. There is some talk of his +trying to photograph a bricklayer whizzing +along at his work.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Perjury is now rampant +in all our Courts and there +seems to be no way of preventing +it," declares a well-known +judge. Surely if +they did away with the oath +this grievance would soon +disappear.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"With goodwill on both +sides," said Lord <span class="sc">Rothschild</span> +recently, "the Jews +will make a success of colonising +their own country." +There will have to be assets +as well as goodwill, it is +thought, if they are to be +made to feel thoroughly at +home.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">George Beer</span>, the +man who built the first +glass houses in this country, +has died at Worthing. The +man who threw the first +stone from inside has not +yet been identified, but +suspicion points to Sir +<span class="sc">Frederick Banbury</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>When the police order you +to move on, said the Thames +magistrate, it is better to go +in the long run. Others declare +that it is quite sufficient +to melt from view at a +businesslike waddle.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"The only way to get houses," says +the Marylebone magistrate, "is to build +them." The idea of knitting a few +seems to have been overlooked.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We understand that the Scotsman +who was injured in the rush outside the +post-office on the last night of the three-halfpenny +postage, is now able to get +about with the help of a stick.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>New motor vehicles to take the place +of the "Black Marias" are now being +used between Brixton Gaol and Bow +Street. Customers who contemplate +arrest should book early to avoid the +congestion.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Signor <span class="sc">Marconi</span> has failed to get into +touch with Mars. At the same time +we are asked to deny the rumour that +communication has been established +between Lord <span class="sc">Northcliffe</span> and the +<span class="sc">Premier</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Comedians," says a stage paper, +"are born, not made." This disposes +of the impression that too many of +them do it on purpose.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/441-800.png"><img src="images/441-350.png" width="350" height="468" alt="Flapper. 'Oh--and I want some peroxide. Er--it's for'" /></a> +<p><i>Flapper.</i> <span class="sc">"Oh—and I want some peroxide. Er—it's for +cleaning hairbrushes, isn't it?"</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>It has been established in the Court +of Appeal that the farther north you go +the larger are people's feet. Surprise +has been expressed at the comparatively +small number of Metropolitan policemen +who hail from Spitzbergen.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="sc">Sydney Richardson</span>, the London +messenger-boy who went to America +for Mr. <span class="sc">Darewski</span>, has just returned. +It is said that one American wanted to +keep him as a souvenir and offered him +a job as a paper-weight for his desk.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Trafalgar Hotel, Greenwich, +famous of old for its whitebait dinners, +has been turned into a Trades Union +Club. The report that the Parliamentary +Labour Party has decided to +preserve the traditions of the place by +holding an annual red herring supper +there is not confirmed.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A certain brass band in Hertfordshire +now practises in the evening on +the flat roof of a large factory. We +understand that the Union of Cat +Musicians are taking a serious view of +the matter.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A vagrant was before the magistrate +last week, charged with tearing his +clothes and destroying all +the buttons on them whilst +in a workhouse ward. It is +not known at what laundry +he served his apprenticeship.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>After announcing that +the fox which had been +causing severe losses to +poultry had at last been +killed a local paper admits +that the wanton destruction +of fowls is still going on. +It is thought that another +fox of the same name was +killed in error.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"The Irish will take +nothing that we can offer +them," <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'say'">says</ins> a Government +official. Outside of that +they seem to take pretty +much what they want.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We think that the attention +of the N.S.P.C.C. +should be drawn to the fact +that several stall-holders on +the beach of a popular seaside +town are offering ices +at twopence each, or twelve +for one-and-six.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A man was charged at +the South Western Police +Court with throwing a sandwich +at a waiter. Very +thoughtless. He might have broken it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A new instrument for measuring +whiskey is announced. The last whiskey +we ordered seemed to have been +squirted into the glass with a hypodermic +syringe.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>The Bull-dog Breed.</h3> + +<p class="center">"H. Prew, b Staples, c L. Mitchell, c Ryland, +b Rajendrasinhji, 17."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">The gallant fellow doesn't seem to have +known when he was beaten.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"Wanted, thoroughly capable Woman, to +take management of canteen; one with knowledge +of ambulance work preferred."</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Provincial Paper.</i> +</p> + +<p class="ind2">A "wet" canteen, presumably.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page442" id="page442"></a>[pg 442]</span> + +<h3>"UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE."</h3> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +["A Skilled Labourer," writing to <i>The Times</i>, +speaks of "the extremists" among the working +classes as "cherishing a belief that the intelligence +of educated persons is declining."] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Doubtless, my Masters, you are right</p> +<p>As to the lore which they delight</p> +<p class="i2">To teach at Cambridge College;</p> +<p>Contented with a classic tone,</p> +<p>Those useful arts we left alone</p> +<p>By which we might have held our own</p> +<p class="i2">Against the Newer Knowledge.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Even if I could still retain</p> +<p>The ethics which my early brain</p> +<p class="i2">Imbibed from <span class="sc">Aristotle</span>,</p> +<p>It would not serve me much to speak</p> +<p>His views on virtue (in the Greek)</p> +<p>When buying table claret (weak)</p> +<p class="i2">At ten-and-six the bottle.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Or when my tailor claims his loot</p> +<p>Of twenty guineas for a suit</p> +<p class="i2">Of rude continuations,</p> +<p>I must remain his hopeless thrall,</p> +<p>Nor would it move his heart at all</p> +<p>Could I from <span class="sc">Juvenal</span> recall</p> +<p class="i2">Some apposite quotations.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>If I engaged a working-man</p> +<p>To mend a leaky pot or pan</p> +<p class="i2">Or else a pipe that's porous,</p> +<p>He would not modify his fees</p> +<p>For hours and hours of vacant ease</p> +<p>Though out of <span class="sc">Aristophanes</span></p> +<p class="i2">I said a funny chorus.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I am a failure, it appears;</p> +<p>I cannot cope with profiteers</p> +<p class="i2">Nor with enlightened Labour;</p> +<p>Too late I see, on looking back,</p> +<p>Where lies the blame for what I lack;</p> +<p>Why was I never taught the knack</p> +<p class="i2">Of beggaring my neighbour?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i28">O. S.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>A CONNOISSEUR'S APPRECIATION.</h3> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Sharp Rise of Great Britain in the +Estimation of U.S.A.</span></p> + +<p>The first-class carriage was empty. +I threw my coat into a corner and +settled myself in the seat opposite. +Just as the train started to move, the +door was flung open and a tall lean +body hurled itself into the compartment +and dropped on my coat. He was +followed instantaneously by a leather +bag which crashed on to the floor.</p> + +<p>"Say, these cars pull out pretty +slick."</p> + +<p>My intelligence at once conjectured +that this was an American, one of the +thousands who have lately taken advantage +of the exchange to spy out the +nakedness of our land.</p> + +<p>I must admit that I understand +American only with great difficulty. I +try to guess the meaning of each sentence +from the unimportant words which +I can interpret. I surmised somehow +that his speech referred to the bag on +the floor.</p> + +<p>So I answered, civilly enough, "I +hope your bag is undamaged. Excuse +me, I will relieve you of my coat." So +saying, I pulled it from beneath him +and with a single movement flung it +on the rack over my own head.</p> + +<p>The stranger spoke again after some +moments. He appeared to have spent +the interval in repeating my words to +himself, as though to grasp their meaning. +Yet, heaven knows, I speak +plainly enough.</p> + +<p>This time he said, "Guess my grip's +O.K. But I ain't plunkin' my bucks +on the guy that says the old country's +in the sweet and peaceful."</p> + +<p>After this most extraordinary and unintelligible +communication he began to +feel his pockets and his person all over, +as though searching for something. I +felt myself at liberty to resume my +study of <i>The Spectator</i>.</p> + +<p>However, I was not to be left alone. +Again he addressed me. "Guess I +gotta hand it to you."</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon," I observed, +lowering my paper.</p> + +<p>"You've got 'em all whipped blocks," +he went on, his absurd smile still persisting. +"You're a cracker jack, you're +a smart aleck. You've done to me +what the fire did to the furnishing +shack. You've dealt me one in the +spaghetti joint. Oh, I gotta hand it to +you."</p> + +<p>I could understand little of the words, +but I gathered from his manner that he +was congratulating me on something in +the extravagant but interesting fashion +of the North-American tribes.</p> + +<p>"You sure put the monkey-wrench +on me," he continued. "You make me +feel like I couldn't operate a pea-nut +stand. I'm the rube from the back-blocks, +sure thing. I ain't going to +holler any—not me. I'm real pleased +to get acquainted. Shake."</p> + +<p>I took his hand with as little self-consciousness +as possible, not yet having +been able to understand what praiseworthy +act I had accomplished. I must +admit none the less that I felt vaguely +pleased at his encomiums.</p> + +<p>"There was a guy way back in +Nevada used to have a style like +yours. They called him Happy Cloud +Sim, and he had a hand like a ham. +See that grip? Well, Sir, Sim 'ud +come right in here, lay his hand somewheres +about, and that grip 'ud vanish +into the sweet eternal. You could +search the hull of the cars from caboose +to fire-box and nary a grip. He was +an artist. Poor Sim, he overreached +himself in Albany, trying to attach a +cash-register. The blame thing started +ringing a bell and shedding tickets all +along the sidewalk. The sleuths just +paper-chased him through the burg. +He was easy meat for the calaboose +that Fall."</p> + +<p>I was at a loss to understand the +relevance of this extremely improbable +narrative. It did not appear, on the +face of it, complimentary to connect +me with a declared thief and gaol-bird. +Still it was my duty to be courteous to +one who was for the time a national +guest.</p> + +<p>"A most interesting story," I remarked, +"and one which has the further +advantage of conveying a moral lesson."</p> + +<p>"But you got Sim beat ten blocks," +he resumed. "The way you threw +your top-coat up made Sim look like a +last year's made-over. I never set eyes +on a dry-goods clerk as could fix a +package slicker. I'll have a lil something +to tell the home town."</p> + +<p>He looked out of the window. "Guess +this is Harrow," he remarked, "and +we're pulling into the deepo. I may +as well have my wad back."</p> + +<p>So saying he put his hand into the +folds of the coat over my head and +withdrew a roll of notes fastened with +a rubber band. This roll he then +stuffed into his hip-pocket. I began to +see the meaning of his insinuations.</p> + +<p>"If you think," said I indignantly, +"that I saw you drop your notes +and deliberately rolled them up in the +coat——"</p> + +<p>"Nix on that stuff," he retorted +jovially. "I know them dollar-bills; +they kinder skin theirselves off the +wad and when you come to pay the bartender +they've hit the trail and you +stand lonesome with a bitter taste in +your mouth, like <span class="sc">Lot</span>'s wife."</p> + +<p>The train stopped; the man stepped +out with the unnecessary haste of his +kind.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm pleased to have met you," +he concluded, still smiling amiably +through the window; "if ever you +strike Rapid City, Wis., you'll find me +rustling wood somewheres near the +saloon. I'd like to have got better +acquainted, but I promised the folks +I'd stop off here and get wise as to +how boys is raised in your country. +They sure grow up fine men. I reckon +we 're way behind the times in Rapid +City——"</p> + +<p>The train passed out leaving me +speechless with indignation.</p> + +<p>It took me some moments to recover +my normal balance. Then I confess I +was delighted to notice that the fellow, +in his enthusiasm over the alleged +lightness of my fingers, had left his +precious "grip" behind him.</p> + +<p>It travelled with me to my destination. +I hope it is still travelling.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page443" id="page443"></a>[pg 443]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 420px;"><a href="images/443-1500.png"><img src="images/443-370.png" width="370" height="465" alt="MORE HASTE, LESS MEAT." /></a> +<h2>MORE HASTE, LESS MEAT.</h2> + +<p><i>The Calf</i> (<i>to the Butcher of the Exchequer</i>). "OH, SIR, IT SEEMS +SUCH A PITY TO KILL ME. +YOU'D GET SO MUCH MORE OFF ME LATER ON."</p></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page444" id="page444"></a>[pg 444]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/444-1500.png"><img src="images/444-600.png" width="600" height="378" alt="WHEN EXPERTS DIFFER." /></a> +<h3>WHEN EXPERTS DIFFER.</h3> + +<p><i>Junior Partner</i> (<i>in syndicate whose operations on the 2.30 race—six +furlongs—have gone wrong</i>). <span class="sc">"There—didn't I tell yer +Diamond's Pride was a five-furlong 'orse?"</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>ON APPROVAL.</h3> + +<p>John looked up from his paper.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" he sighed loudly, "how the +world progresses."</p> + +<p>There was silence. John sighed again.</p> + +<p>"How the world progresses," he said +a shade louder.</p> + +<p>Cecilia and I continued reading.</p> + +<p>"Can't <i>anyone</i> ask a question?" +asked John peevishly.</p> + +<p>"Where do the flies go in the winter-time?" +murmured Cecilia without looking +up.</p> + +<p>I was weak enough to laugh. For +some reason it annoyed John.</p> + +<p>"Go on, go on, laugh!" he spluttered; +"you're a good pair, you and +your sister. Say something else funny, +Cecilia, and make little brother laugh. +What a crowd to have married into! +Shrieks of laughter at every feeble joke, +but as for intelligent conversation——"</p> + +<p>"Well, we're reading," said Cecilia; +"we don't want intelligent conversation."</p> + +<p>"There's no need to tell me that. +I know it only too well. I haven't been +married to you for all these years without +seeing that."</p> + +<p>"'All these years,'" repeated Cecilia, +aghast. "The vindictive brute."</p> + + +<p>"And," continued John bitterly, "I +say again what I said just now: How +the world progresses."</p> + +<p>"Well, there's no need to keep on +saying it, dear old cauliflower," I said; +"we <i>know</i> it progresses. What are we +expected to say?"</p> + +<p>"I know," said Cecilia brightly. +"<i>Why?</i>"</p> + +<p>John pulled himself up.</p> + +<p>"Because," he said, "they are proposing +in the paper here to start a +system of temporary marriages which +can be dissolved if either party is dissatisfied +after a fair trial. I only +wish somebody had thought of it—how +many?—eight years ago."</p> + +<p>Cecilia's jaw dropped. I chuckled.</p> + +<p>"You certainly bought that one all +right, Cecilia old dear," I said. "Can't +you manage a witty retort? Try, sister, +for the honour of the family."</p> + +<p>Cecilia pulled herself together.</p> + +<p>"Retort?" she said in surprise. +"Why on earth a retort, my dear Alan? +When my husband makes his first really +sensible remark for years I don't retort, +I applaud. If only I had known the +sort of man he is before I tied myself +to him for life! What an actor he +would have made! Why, before we +married——"</p> + +<p>"'Nothing was too good for you,'" +I encouraged. "Go on, Cecilia."</p> + +<p>"Don't interrupt, Alan—nothing was +too good for me. Afterwards——"</p> + +<p>"Last year's blouses and a yearly +trip to the Zoo. Shame!" I said.</p> + +<p>"And what about me?" said John. +"Haven't I been deceived? Didn't you +all conspire to make me think she was +sweet and good? I remember somebody +telling me I was a lucky man. I realise +now you were all only too glad to get +rid of her."</p> + +<p>"Alan! How can you let him?" said +Cecilia with a small scream of rage.</p> + +<p>"Come, come," I said, "this family +wrangling has gone far enough. You +<i>are</i> married and you can't get out of it. +Make the best of it, my children, and +be friends."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said John sadly, "it is too +late now. I must try to bear up; but +it is hard. If only this scheme had been +started a few years earlier. If only I +could have taken her on approval."</p> + +<p>He paused a moment and smiled +softly.</p> + +<p>"Imagine the scene," he resumed. +"'Cecilia,' I should say, 'I have given +you every chance, but I am afraid you +don't suit. For eight long years I have +suffered from your rotten cooking, your +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page445" id="page445"></a>[pg 445]</span> +... extravagance ... and so on ... +<i>et cætera</i> ... and I regret that I must +give you a month's notice, to take effect +as from four o'clock this afternoon. You +have good qualities. You are honest +and temperate and, to some extent, not +bad looking—in the evening, anyway. +Your idea of keeping household accounts +is atrocious, but, on the other +hand, you look rather nice in a hammock +on a hot summer day. But that +is all I can say for you. You have not +given me the wifely devotion I expected. +Only last week, when I came home feeling +miserable, you sat at the piano playing +extracts from some beastly revue, +when a true wife would have been singing +"Parted" or even "Roses of Picardy." +Again, you invariably put our child in +front of me in all things, such as the +last piece of cake or having an egg for +tea. I am not jealous of the boy, mind +you, but I hate favouritism, and I won't +play second fiddle to Christopher or +anyone else.</p> + +<p>"'In fact, my dear Cecilia (I use the +phrase in its formal sense only), not +being satisfied that you do all that was +promised in the advertisement, I have +decided to return you without further +liability and ask for a refund of the +cost of carriage. That will be all, +thank you. You may go.'"</p> + +<p>There was a few moments' ominous +quiet, and then Cecilia went over the +top with a roar of artillery and the +rattle of machine guns. John put up +a defensive barrage. Cecilia raked him +with bombs and Lewis guns. He replied +with heavy stuff. The air grew +thicker and thicker.</p> + +<p>"Shush!" I shouted through the din +of battle. "Man and wife to wrangle like +this! Think of your good name. Think +of the servants. Think of the child."</p> + +<p>Cecilia caught the last phrase and +the noise subsided.</p> + +<p>"Yes," she said, breathless but calm, +"there's the hitch in your plans, Master +John—the child. If I go I take Christopher +with me."</p> + +<p>"That you don't. Christopher belongs +to me. He is part of my estate—in +law. You <i>can't</i> take him."</p> + +<p>"Can't I?" said Cecilia. "Am I +his mother or am I not?"</p> + +<p>"Who pays his school-fees?" said +John. "What's his name? Whose +house does he live in?"</p> + +<p>Cecilia was gathering herself for another +offensive when the door opened +and Christopher came in.</p> + +<p>We looked at him and he paused in +embarrassment.</p> + +<p>"What are you all looking at me +for?" he asked, smiling uneasily; "I +haven't done anything."</p> + +<p>"He belongs to <i>me</i>," said Cecilia +suddenly.</p> + +<p>"He belongs to <i>me</i>," said John with +decision.</p> + +<p>Christopher knows his parents fairly +well. "Whatever are you doing?" he +asked with a chuckle.</p> + +<p>"Come here," said John.</p> + +<p>Christopher advanced and stood between +his mother and his father.</p> + +<p>"I don't know what I'm inspected +to do," he said.</p> + +<p>"Christopher," said John, "to whom +do you belong—to your mother or to +me? Think well, my child."</p> + +<p>Christopher wrinkled his nose obediently +and thought for a moment.</p> + +<p>"Why," he said, his face clearing, +"we all b'long to each other."</p> + +<hr class="light" /> + +<p>"'The Heart of a Child,'" I said; +"the beautifullest love-story ever told. +Featuring Little Randolph, the Boy +Wonder."</p> + +<p>They took no notice. They were all +three busy rehearsing the final reconciliation +scene.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/445-1000.png"><img src="images/445-380.png" width="380" height="464" alt="'Of course we must. They might think we couldn't afford it.'" /></a> +<p><i>The Wife.</i> <span class="sc">"Must we always 'ave champagne, 'Arry? It +don't reely suit me."</span></p> + +<p><i>The Profiteer.</i> <span class="sc">"Of course we must. They might think we couldn't +afford it."</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Our Erudite Contemporaries.</h3> + +<h4>From a special golf correspondent:—</h4> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"I cannot remember the Latin for a daisy, +but most emphatically 'Delanda est.'" +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">O Carthego!</p> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"'Pol-u-me-tis.' The Greek brings back +the thundrous verse of Virgil. Echoes from +the twilight of the gods."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Poor old Götterdämmerung.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Another Sex-Problem.</h4> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"White Milking Shorthorn Bull for Sale, +£50."—<i>Farmers' Gazette.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"A Good Canvasser wanted for Credit Gentlemen's +wear; ready to wear and made to +measure clothing."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">"One," in fact, "that was made a shape +for his clothes, and, if <span class="sc">Adam</span> had not +fallen, had lived to no purpose."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"To-morrow afternoon, the Dansant, 3 p.m. +to 6 p.m. Tickets inclusive 3s. 6d. Dansant +(only) 2s. 6d."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">The "the" seems cheap at a shilling.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page446" id="page446"></a>[pg 446]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE ART OF POETRY.</h3> + +<h4>II.</h4> + +<p>In this lecture I propose to explain +how comic poetry is written.</p> + +<p>Comic poetry, as I think I pointed +out in my last lecture, is much more +difficult than serious poetry, because +there are all sorts of rules. In serious +poetry there are practically no rules, +and what rules there are may be shattered +with impunity as soon as they +become at all inconvenient. Rhyme, +for instance. A well-known Irish poet +once wrote a poem which ran like this:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Hands, do as you're bid,</p> +<p>Draw the balloon of the mind</p> +<p>That bellies and sags in the wind</p> +<p class="i2">Into its narrow shed."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>This was printed in a serious paper; +but if the poet had sent it up to a +humorous paper (as he might well have +done) the Editor would have said, "Do +you pronounce it <i>shid</i>?", and the poet +would have had no answer. You see, +he started out, as serious poets do, with +every intention of organising a good +rhyme for <i>bid</i>—or perhaps for <i>shed</i>—but +he found this was more difficult +than he expected. And then, no doubt, +somebody drove all his cattle on to +his croquet-lawn, or somebody else's +croquet-lawn, and he abandoned the +struggle. I shouldn't complain of that; +what I do complain of is the <i>deceitfulness</i> +of the whole thing. If a man can't +find a better rhyme than <i>shed</i> for a +simple word like <i>bid</i>, let him give up +the idea of having a rhyme at all; let +him write—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Hands, do as you're <span class="sc">TOLD</span>,</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>or</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Into its narrow <span class="sc">HUT</span> (or even <span class="sc">HANGAR</span>).</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>That at least would be an honest confession +of failure. But to write <i>bid</i> +and <i>shed</i> is simply a sinister attempt +to gain credit for writing a rhymed +poem <i>without doing it at all</i>.</p> + +<p>Well, that kind of thing is not allowed +in comic poetry. When I opened my +well-known military epic, "Riddles of +the King," with the couplet,</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Full dress (with decorations) will be worn</p> +<p>When General Officers are shot at dawn,</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>the Editor wrote cuttingly in the margin, +"Do you say <i>dorn</i>?"</p> + +<p>The correct answer would have been, +of course, "Well, as a matter of fact I +do;" but you cannot make answers of +that kind to Editors; they don't understand +it. And that brings you to the +real drawback of comic poetry; it means +constant truck with Editors. But I must +not be drawn into a discussion about +them. In a special lecture—two special +lectures—— Quite.</p> + +<p>The lowest form of comic poetry is, +of course, the Limerick; but it is a +mistake to suppose that it is the easiest. +It is more difficult to finish a Limerick +than to finish anything in the world. +You see, in a Limerick you cannot +begin:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There was an old man of West <i>Ham</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<p>and go on</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Who formed an original <i>plan</i>,</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>finishing the last line with <i>limb</i> or <i>hen</i> +or <i>bun</i>. A serious writer could do that +with impunity, and indeed with praise, +but the more exacting traditions of +Limerical composition insist that, having +fixed on <i>Ham</i> as the end of the first +line, you must find two other rhymes +to <i>Ham</i>, and good rhymes too. This is +why there is so large a body of uncompleted +Limericks. For many years +I have been trying to finish the following +unfinished masterpiece:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There was a young man who said "<i>Hell!</i></p> +<p>I don't think I feel very well——"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>That was composed on the Gallipoli +Peninsula; in fact it was composed +under fire; indeed I remember now +that we were going over the top at the +time. But in the quiet days of Peace +I can get no further with it. It only +shows how much easier it is to begin a +Limerick than to end it.</p> + +<p>Apart from the subtle phrasing of +the second line this poem is noteworthy +because it is cast in the classic form. +All the best Limericks are about a young +man, or else an old one, who said some +short sharp monosyllable in the first +line. For example:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There was a young man who said "<i>If</i>——</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Now what are the rhymes to <i>if</i>? Looking +up my <i>Rhyming Dictionary</i> I see +they are:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>cliff</p> +<p>hieroglyph</p> +<p>hippogriff</p> +<p>skiff</p> +<p>sniff</p> +<p>stiff</p> +<p>tiff</p> +<p>whiff</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Of these one may reject <i>hippogriff</i> at +once, as it is in the wrong metre. <i>Hieroglyph</i> +is attractive, and we might do +worse than:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There was a young man who said "If</p> +<p>One murdered a hieroglyph——"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Having, however, no very clear idea of +the nature of a hieroglyph I am afraid +that this will also join the long list of +unfinished masterpieces. Personally +I should incline to something of this +kind:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There was a young man who said "If</p> +<p>I threw myself over a cliff</p> +<p class="i4">I do not believe</p> +<p class="i4"><i>One</i> person would grieve——"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Now the last line is going to be very +difficult. The tragic loneliness, the +utter disillusion of this young man is so +vividly outlined in the first part of the +poem that to avoid an anticlimax a +really powerful last line is required. <i>But +there are no powerful rhymes.</i> A serious +poet, of course, could finish up with +<i>death</i> or <i>faith</i>, or some powerful word +like that. But we are limited to <i>skiff</i>, +<i>sniff</i>, <i>tiff</i> and <i>whiff</i>. And what can +you do with those? Students, I hope, +will see what they can do. My own +tentative solution is printed, by arrangement +with the Editor, on another +page (<a class="plain" href="#solution">458</a>). I do not pretend that it +is perfect; in fact it seems to me to +strike rather a vulgar note. At the +same time it is copyright, and must +not be set to music in the U.S.A.</p> + +<p>I have left little time for comic poetry +other than Limericks, but most of the +above profound observations are equally +applicable to both, except that in the +case of the former it is usual to think +of the <i>last</i> line first. Having done that +you think of some good rhymes to the +last line and hang them up in mid-air, +so to speak. Then you think of something +to say which will fit on to those +rhymes. It is just like Limericks, only +you start at the other end; indeed it +is much easier than Limericks, though, +I am glad to say, nobody believes this. +If they did it would be even harder +to get money out of Editors than it is +already.</p> + +<p>We will now write a comic poem +about Spring Cleaning. We will have +verses of six lines, five ten-syllable lines +and one six-syllable. As a last line for +the first verse I suggest</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Where have they put my hat?</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>We now require two rhymes to <i>hat</i>. +In the present context <i>flat</i> will obviously +be one, and <i>cat</i> or <i>drat</i> will be +another. Our resources at present are +therefore as follows:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Line 1— ——</p> +<p>" 2— ... flat.</p> +<p>" 3— ——</p> +<p>" 4— ... cat or drat.</p> +<p>" 5— ——</p> +<p>" 6—Where have they put my hat?</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>As for the blank lines, <i>wife</i> is certain +to come in sooner or later, and we had +better put that down, supported by <i>life</i> +("What a life!"), and <i>knife</i> or <i>strife</i>. +There are no other rhymes, except <i>rife</i>, +which is a useless word.</p> + +<p>We now hold another parade:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Terumti—umti—umti—umti—wife,</p> +<p class="i2">Terumti—umti—umti—umti—flat;</p> +<p>Teroodle—oodle—oodle—What a life!</p> +<p class="i2">Terumti—oodle—umti—oodle—cat (or drat);</p> +<p>Teroodle—umti—oodle—umti—knife (or strife);</p> +<p class="i2">Where have they put my hat?</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>All that remains now is to fill in the +umti-oodles, and I can't be bothered +to do that. There is nothing in it.</p> + +<p class="author">A. P. H.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"Will any gentleman requiring a House-keeper +accept two decently brought up boys, +age 12 and 8 years? Excellent cook and +housekeeper; capable of full control."</p> + +<p class="author1"><i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Someone really ought to give these +young sportsmen a trial.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page447" id="page447"></a>[pg 447]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/447-1500.png"><img src="images/447-360.png" width="360" height="471" alt="MANNERS AND MODES." /></a> +<h2>MANNERS AND MODES.</h2> + +<h4><span class="sc">The Domestic Servant Shortage.</span></h4> + +<p>HOW THE MISSES MARJORIBANKS DE VERE (WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF A PERRUQUIER) UPHOLD +THE +DIGNITY OF HER LADYSHIP THEIR MAMA'S AFTERNOON "AT HOMES."</p></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page448" id="page448"></a>[pg 448]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/448-1500.png"><img src="images/448-600.png" width="600" height="353" alt="'It completes the resemblance to the Bay of Naples, which we insist on in all our advertisements.'" /></a> + +<p><i>The Visitor.</i> <span class="sc">"But you spoil the place by having the public +incinerator on that hill over there."</span></p> + +<p><i>The Town Clerk.</i> <span class="sc">"Pardon me, Sir—that is <i>my</i> idea. It completes +the resemblance to the Bay of Naples, which we +insist on in all our advertisements."</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE LOQUACIOUS INSTINCT.</h3> + +<p>Don't you ever know the impulse, +when you are idly turning the pages +of a telephone directory, to ring up +some total stranger and engage him in +light conversation?</p> + +<p>I do, quite intensely. In moments of +ennui, when there is really nothing to do +in the office, the fear of discovery alone +restrains me. I'm not sure that I can +rely on the professional secrecy of the +girl at the exchange. Has she strength +of mind to refuse a righteously indignant +subscriber who demands to know +(with imprecations) what number has +been talking to him?</p> + +<p>I could take her into my confidence, +I suppose. Only the thing oughtn't to +be elaborately premeditated; it should +be sudden and spontaneous, the matter +of a happy moment. You get your +number and say:—</p> + +<p>"Hullo! Is that Barefoot and Humpage, +the architects? Can I speak to +Mr. Barefoot—or Mr. Humpage?"</p> + +<p>"Mr. Humpage speaking. Who is +that, please?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I want you to design me a +cathedral. By to-morrow afternoon, +if poss—"</p> + +<p>"To design you a what?"</p> + +<p>"A cathedral. <span class="sc">C-a-t-h——</span> but I +expect you heard me that time. A +massive structure, you know, chiefly +built of stone. As at Salisbury, and +Ely, and—well, probably you'll know +what I mean. Now, as to details——"</p> + +<p>"Who are you?"</p> + +<p>"I? Oh, I'm a collector of these +buildings in a small way. But about +this one we're discussing. Something +in the pre-Raphaelite manner, do you +think—with arpeggios dotted about +here and there?"</p> + +<p>Of course I don't know what Mr. +Humpage would say at this point. +Therein would lie the fascination of +these experiments—to discover just +what different people would say at that +kind of point.</p> + +<p>Take Mr. Absalom, for instance, who +is described in the Directory as a commission +agent. How would he express +himself, I wonder, if I were to ring +him up and request him to dispose, on +the most advantageous terms, of my +commission in the Army?</p> + +<p>Messrs. Wheable Brothers too. Just +the people I've been looking for.</p> + +<p>"You're the sand and gravel contractors, +aren't you?" I should begin, +"Well, I know of some sand that badly +wants contracting."</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon?"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps I had better explain. You +see, I always spend my holidays at +Pipton-on-Sea. This year, in fact, I'm +going there in two or three weeks' time. +Earlier holidays—a splendid movement, +what? See railway posters. In June +the average snowfall is only—— But +the point is that at Pipton there's a +belt of about two miles of sand, even +at high-tide—several hundred yards, +anyhow—and it <i>does</i> spoil the bathing +so. Now if you could arrange to have +this sand contracted to half or a third +of its present width? Perhaps you'll +quote me terms. Thank you so much."</p> + +<p>Then there's the Steam Packet Company +at a neighbouring port. One +might ask them to supply half-a-dozen +small packets of steam for the ungumming +of envelope-flaps.</p> + +<p>I find also in the Directory two or +three gentlemen with the surname of +"George." I could profess to be an +earnest Liberal opponent of the <span class="sc">Prime +Minister</span>, accustomed to refer to him +by that disrespectful abbreviation:—</p> + +<p>"Oh, is that Mr. George? Well, Sir, +I wanted to have a word with you on +your handling of the European situation. +Now, it's surely obvious that +the Jugo-Slavs—"</p> + +<p>It seems possible that your victim +now and then might enter into the +spirit of the thing and do his best to +make the dialogue a success. Contrariwise, +if you were seeking violent +excitements, you would ask a retired +admiral, let us say, his opinion on the +question "Do flappers put their hair +up too soon?" or some such urgent +problem of the day. How jolly these +promiscuous exercises in conversation +might be!</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page449" id="page449"></a>[pg 449]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/449-1500.png"><img src="images/449-600.png" width="600" height="441" alt="'Sure, one av the guests must have had a hole in his pockut'" /></a> + +<p><i>Biddy</i> (<i>recovering a spoon the morning after the party</i>). "<span class="sc">Sure, +one av the guests must have had a hole in his pockut</span>."</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>TO THE NEW POLICEMAN.</h3> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +["Increased remuneration is attracting to +the force a more intellectual and better class +of recruit.... Police administration here is +now organised in a more humanitarian spirit +than formerly, and a policeman is as much +encouraged to prevent the necessity of an +arrest as to effect an arrest."—<i>Sir <span class="sc">William +Gentle</span> (retiring chief of the Brighton Police +Force, unofficially known as "Sir William +Gentle's Gentlemen"), interviewed by "The +Daily Sketch.</i>"] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>O Robert, in our hours of crime</p> +<p>Certain to nab us every time,</p> +<p>Or, failing, fill a dungeon cell</p> +<p>With someone who does just as well;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Now you're a gentleman in blue</p> +<p>Provided with a princely screw,</p> +<p>More is expected of you still;</p> +<p>You must <i>prevent</i> us doing ill.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>No longer is it deemed enough</p> +<p>To slip the hand within the "cuff,"</p> +<p>To trap road-hogs and motor-bikes,</p> +<p>Or merely to arrest <i>Bill Sikes</i>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Thus, when you take position at</p> +<p>The window of an empty flat,</p> +<p>And <i>Bill</i> arrives to burgle it,</p> +<p>Urge him his evil ways to quit;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Or, posted in a public bar,</p> +<p>Where men drink too much beer by far,</p> +<p>Before them you might firmly put</p> +<p>The arguments of <span class="sc">Pussyfoot</span>;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Or, summoned to a scene of strife,</p> +<p>Persuade the fellow with the knife</p> +<p>By means of tactful reasoning</p> +<p>That murder is not quite the thing.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The world would profit if you took</p> +<p>A leaf from out the Parson's book,</p> +<p>Becoming a judicious blend</p> +<p>Of "guide, philosopher and friend."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Discard your truncheon for a tract;</p> +<p>Strive to admonish ere you act;</p> +<p>In Virtue's force enrol recruits</p> +<p>And stamp out Belial with your boots.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>ITEMS FROM ANYWHERE.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>After the model of most of the dailies, by +our specially unreliable news service.</i>)</p> + +<p>It is reported that, owing to the +present high price of labour, a German +Zeppelin is to be loaned to the Government +to carry out the demolition of the +nineteen unnecessary City churches.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Arrested on a charge of loitering with +felonious intent, Thomas Wrott, aged +forty, of Featherleigh, Beds, stated that +he was building a house.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Though the titles of all the pictures in +a recent Vorticist exhibition were placed +by a printer's error opposite to the +wrong numbers in the catalogue, none +of the visitors discovered the mistake.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Strike action is threatened in Manchester +by the Amalgamated Society of +Tyldesleys, several Lancashire wickets +having been taken by non-union labour.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is reported that Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span> was +recently traversing <i>The Times</i> with a +belt of Biblical sentences when a cross-feed +occurred, causing the action to jam.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A silver salver is to be presented to +the Royal Automobile Club in token of +gratitude by octogenarian villagers of +Sussex.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"Experienced Cook-General Wanted; comfortable +home; liberal outings; wages £40; +policeman handy."—<i>Welsh Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Would it not have been more tactful to +say, "Copper in kitchen"?</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page450" id="page450"></a>[pg 450]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/450-1500.png"><img src="images/450-600.png" width="600" height="432" alt="Partner. 'After you'd done waving those diamonds about I couldn't see anything'" /></a> + +<p><i>Disgusted Plutocrat</i> (<i>to partner, who has just missed a fifty-pound +putt</i>). "<span class="sc">Couldn't you see that slope after I pointed it out +to YOU</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Partner.</i> "<span class="sc">After you'd done waving those diamonds about I couldn't see +anything</span>."</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>FOR REMEMBRANCE.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>In stone perdurable and bronze austere</p> +<p class="i2">We have bequeathed the memory of the dead</p> +<p class="i2">Unto the yet unborn; " 'their name,' " we said,</p> +<p>" 'Liveth for evermore'; each happier year</p> +<p>Shall see, we trust, before the unmossed stone</p> +<p class="i6">Love and Remembrance wed."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Though from dim hosts that narrow and recede</p> +<p class="i2">Dear unforgotten eyes salute us still,</p> +<p class="i2">Look back a moment, make our pulses thrill</p> +<p>With the old music, though the festal weed</p> +<p>Of Spring be cypress-girt, oblivion</p> +<p class="i6">Will come, as Winter will.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah, not oblivion drowsing love and pain</p> +<p class="i2">Into dull slumber; still we can retell</p> +<p class="i2">How young blithe valour broke the powers of hell;</p> +<p>We grope for hands that will not stir again</p> +<p>In ours, hear still in every carillon</p> +<p class="i6">The cadence of Farewell.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Not these things and not thus do we forget;</p> +<p class="i2">But the informing spirit, the dream within</p> +<p class="i2">And the high ardour that was half-akin</p> +<p>To ancient faiths and half to hopes not yet</p> +<p>Coherent, unperceived are surely gone,</p> +<p class="i6">Like stars that dawnward set.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Though "their name liveth," the dream they died to bring</p> +<p class="i2">Unto fruition eludes our fumbling hold;</p> +<p class="i2">The Othman riders gallop to their old</p> +<p>Red revels, and the seas are darkening</p> +<p>Round all the Asian shores, while one by one</p> +<p class="i6">Depart the sweets of Spring.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>O you whom yet we mourn, for whom the song</p> +<p class="i2">Of victory and sorrow dies not away,</p> +<p class="i2">Well is it with you if beyond the grey</p> +<p>Islands of sleep that you are met among</p> +<p>No world-born memories win. May there be none!</p> +<p class="i6">We have not remembered long.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet if beyond the sunset's golden choir,</p> +<p class="i2">Instead of one august enduring sleep,</p> +<p class="i2">There waits a life where memory shall keep</p> +<p>Her ancient force and hope her old desire,</p> +<p>Now, even now, on altars cleft and prone</p> +<p class="i6">Rekindle the pure fire!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="author1">D. M. S.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>"SCOUNDREL AND MAN OF LETTERS.</h3> + +<blockquote class="note"><p class="center"> +One of the Prizewinners in Our Article Competition."—<i>Weekly Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">But ought an editor to give away his contributors like this?</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"M. Deves, the leading French amateur [tennis] of the day, who +was beaten in 1914 after 'une tutte à charné,' as the French say, +will be competing."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">The French have a lot to learn about their own language.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"Dr. —— will extract a tooth free from the person who will be kind +enough to secure him an office in the Central district."</p> + +<p class="author1"><i>North China Daily News.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">This is presumably meant as an inducement, but it sounds +like a threat.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page451" id="page451"></a>[pg 451]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/451-1500.png"><img src="images/451-360.png" width="360" height="466" alt="THE GREAT IMPROVISER." /></a> +<h3>THE GREAT IMPROVISER.</h3></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page452" id="page452"></a>[pg 452]</span> + +<br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page453" id="page453"></a>[pg 453]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3> + +<p><i>Tuesday, June 1st.</i>—Tempted by the +fine weather a good many Members had +evidently determined that the country +was good enough for them and that +Westminster could wait. But Viscount +<span class="sc">Curzon</span> was not of their number. Was +it not on the glorious +First of June, a hundred +and twenty-six +years ago, that his +great-great-great-grandfather +won victory +for his country +and immortal fame for +himself? On such an +anniversary he was +obviously bound, no +matter at what personal +inconvenience, +to show a like public +spirit. Accordingly, +with a full sense of +responsibility, he addressed +to the appropriate +Minister this +momentous question: +"Whether any fried +fish shops are now the +property or under the +control of the Ministry +of Munitions; and if +so how many?" The +House paused in awed +anticipation of the +reply, but breathed +again when Mr. <span class="sc">Hope</span> +announced that "No +fried fish shops are +now nor, so far as is known, were +ever conducted by the Ministry of +Munitions."</p> + +<p>No other episode of Question-time +rose to this high level. Next in importance +to it were Mr. <span class="sc">Baldwin's</span> +revelations on the subject of "conscience-money." +It seems that in one +particular instance it cost the Treasury +eleven shillings to acknowledge the +receipt of half-a-sovereign; but that +was because the dilatory tax-payer insisted +that the depth of his remorse +could only be adequately exhibited by +a notice in the "agony-column." In +ordinary cases no charge is incurred.</p> + +<p>Any conscientious Sinn Feiner who +may have been fearing lest the recent +destruction of Inland Revenue offices +in Ireland should prevent the authorities +from sending out the usual demand-notes, +may now forward his contribution +direct to the Treasury without hesitation. +Mr. <span class="sc">Baldwin</span> is doubtless relying +upon the wide adoption of this practice, +for he stated that, although the damage +might cause delay in the collection, it +was not expected that the ultimate yield +of the tax would be seriously affected.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/453-a-800.png"><img src="images/453-a-500.png" width="500" height="435" alt="From left to right:--The Whirlpool of Charybdis; The First Lord of the Admiralty; The Rock of Scylla (Sir Edward Carson)" /></a> +<p><i>From left to right:</i>—The Whirlpool of Charybdis; <span class="sc">The First Lord of the Admiralty</span>; The Rock of Scylla (<span class="sc">Sir Edward Carson</span>).</p></div> + +<p>The discussion on the Navy Estimates +was chiefly conducted by Lieut.-Commander +<span class="sc">Kenworthy</span>, who made +half-a-dozen set speeches, besides any +number of informal interjections. To +place them in order of merit would be +impossible, but of single passages that +which perhaps carried most conviction +with his audience was the description +of the pre-war Navy as "a sort of +pleasant service into which the fools +of the family could be put."</p> + +<p>In the discussion on the Navy Estimates +Rear-Admiral Sir <span class="sc">Reginald Hall</span>, +resisting a proposal to hand over the +coastguards to the Board of Trade, surprised +the House with the apparently +reactionary statement that "we do not +want to run the Navy in water-tight +compartments."</p> + +<p>Commander <span class="sc">Bellairs</span>, enforcing the +point that administration +must depend +upon policy, recalled +the fact that in his +time "the Mediterranean +outlook" had +given way to "the +North Sea outlook," +and expressed the confident +belief that we +should next have "the +Pacific outlook." Well, +let us hope we may. +At any rate the House +agreed with the <span class="sc">First +Lord</span> that the best +way to ensure it was +to keep the Navy +strong and efficient, +for by half-past eight +it had passed all the +Votes submitted to it.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday, June +2nd.</i>—Derby Day and +an adjournment of the +House of Commons! +Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> might +well rub his eyes and +wonder if there had +been a revival of the +Saturnian days when +Lord <span class="sc">Elcho</span> used annually +to mount his favourite hobby and +witch the House with noble horsemanship. +But on this occasion the adjournment +lasted only half-an-hour, and had +nothing to do with Epsom. Chivalry, +not sport, was its motive. The House +merely wished to do honour to its +Leader by assisting at the presentation +of its wedding gift to Miss <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> +(now Lady <span class="sc">Sykes</span>).</p> + +<p>At Question-time Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span> sought +information regarding the British Naval +Mission recently captured at Baku, and +inquired whether the Government intended +to continue negotiating with +people who were keeping our men in +prison. Sir <span class="sc">James Craig</span> could not say +anything on the question of policy, but +to some extent relieved the anxiety of +the House by stating that the last news +of the prisoners was that they were seen +playing football.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 320px;"><a href="images/453-b-650.png"><img src="images/453-b-300.png" width="300" height="377" alt="THE CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND." /></a> +<h3>THE CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND.</h3> +<h4>"No arrests have been made."</h4></div> + +<p>The complications of the Peace Settlement +continue to increase. Thus President +<span class="sc">Wilson</span> has consented to delimit +the boundaries of Armenia, although +the United States shows no desire to +undertake the mandate for its administration. +No doubt it is with the kindly +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page454" id="page454"></a>[pg 454]</span> +intention of helping those dilatory +Americans to make up their minds that +Turkey has asked for an extension of +time before signing the Treaty.</p> + + + +<p>The placid progress of the Government +of Ireland Bill through Committee +was broken this afternoon when +Captain <span class="sc">Colin Coote</span> proposed to hand +over the control of the armed forces of +the Crown in Ireland to the new Parliaments. +His argument was in brief +that these bodies must be given serious +responsibilities which would compel +them to unite. He wanted, as he said, +to "infuse blood into their veins" at +whatever risk—<i><span class="sc">Coote</span> que coûte.</i></p> + +<p>The idea of providing a probably Sinn +Fein Parliament in Dublin with submarines +and aeroplanes did not appeal +to the <span class="sc">First Lord of the Admiralty</span>, +who was hotly rebuked for his lack of +imagination by Captain <span class="sc">Elliot</span>. The +fact that two young Coalitionists should +have advocated such revolutionary ideas +inspired another of Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson's</span> +gloomy variations on the theme +that any form of Home Rule must lead +ultimately to separation.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday, June 3rd.</i>—Sir <span class="sc">Hamar +Greenwood</span>, who took his seat on +Tuesday, answered Irish questions for +the first time. His manner was as +direct and forceful as ever, but his +matter, unhappily, consisted chiefly in +the admission of unpleasant facts regarding +recent attacks upon the police, +with the invariable addition that "no +arrests have been made."</p> + +<p>The hon. baronet who sits for Nottingham +is so much impressed with the +necessity for economy that he ought to +be known as <i>Rees angustæ</i>. But he has +no luck. Mr. <span class="sc">Fisher</span> offered the "frozen +face" to his complaints that the State +is giving free education at the Ministries +to ex-Service men; and Mr. <span class="sc">Shortt</span> was +no more sympathetic to his plea that the +new policewomen should be abolished.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, looking delightfully +cool in a new grey suit, made +a welcome reappearance after some +weeks' absence. He gave a version of the +<span class="sc">Krassin</span> negotiations—which, according +to his account, had followed exactly +the course marked out by the Supreme +Council in Paris and San Remo—very +different from that presented in a section +of the Press, and he implied that the +alleged perturbation of French public +opinion only existed in the imagination +of "certain newspapers which are trying +to foment ill-feeling between two +countries whose friendliness is essential +to the welfare of the world." His most +satisfactory pronouncement was that +British prisoners must be released before +trade with Russia would be resumed.</p> + +<p>In spite of the absence of the regular +Opposition the <span class="sc">First Lord of the +Admiralty</span> is finding the Government +of Ireland Bill a rather unhandy vessel +to steer. He dares not concede too many +powers to the new Parliaments lest he +should be putting weapons into the +hands of our Sinn Fein enemies; on +the other hand, he cannot reduce them +overmuch lest the Bill should cease to +have any chance of conciliating Irish +sentiment.</p> + +<p>The dilemma arose acutely over the +clause relating to the Irish police. +When, if ever, should they be handed +over to the new Government? The +Bill said not later than three years after +the appointed day. An amendment +suggested "not earlier." Sir <span class="sc">Edward +Carson</span> thought the only fair thing +would be to allow the police to retire on +full pay directly the Bill came into force, +instead of leaving them with a divided +allegiance and control. Eventually, +on the Government undertaking to +modify their proposals, the clause was +passed; but with so many matters to +be adjusted on Report it looks as if it +will be a <span class="sc">Long, Long</span> way to Tipperary.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/454-1500.png"><img src="images/454-600.png" width="600" height="364" alt="'OH, EAST IS EAST.'" /></a> +<h3>"OH, EAST IS EAST."</h3> + +<p><i>Mechanical Transport Officer.</i> <span class="sc">"I told you not to drive fast through +the bazaar."</span></p> + +<p><i>Lorry Driver.</i> <span class="sc">"But, Sahib, these be only very ignorant peoples. ME +mota driver! If drive slow, these peoples +think me common person."</span></p></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page455" id="page455"></a>[pg 455]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>PERCE MURGATROYD, MASTER BRICKLAYER.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">By One who knew Him</span>.</h4> + +<p>By the untimely death of the late +Mr. Percival Murgatroyd we suffer the +irreplaceable loss of our youngest and +perhaps most talented master bricklayer. +The story of his life is yet another +example of genius triumphing over +adversity. Perce Murgatroyd was born +in a mean street. His father was a poor +hardworking physician. Lacking the +influence necessary for the introduction +of his boy to some lucrative commercial +calling he contrived at great self-sacrifice +to educate him for the Civil Service.</p> + +<p>The long hours of grinding toil and +the complete lack of sympathy at home +could not extinguish the divine fire of +genius in the youthful Murgatroyd. +Exhausted and hungry as he often was +at the end of the day's work, he devoted +his leisure to the study of bricks and +mortar, and out of his scanty pocket-money +he bought for himself first a +trowel and later a plummet.</p> + +<p>When I first made his acquaintance +he was already, at the age of twenty-five, +assisting a bricklayer's helper, and +was fairly launched on a career of unbroken +success which was to culminate +in a master bricklayership at the record +age of thirty-eight.</p> + +<p>Some of the finest things Murgatroyd +did are to be found in and around +Tooting, a quarter which is becoming +known as Murgatroyd's London; but +there is scarcely a district which does +not cherish some gem from his trowel. +At Wanstead Flats, during some reparations +to "Edelweiss Cottage," +there was discovered under the plaster +a party-wall which proved to be a +genuine Murgatroyd. It is one of his +early works, executed with his studied +reserve of power, and is marred only by +suggestions of the conventional haste +of the early Georgian School, from +which Murgatroyd had not in those +days completely broken away. It is +also worth while to make a pilgrimage +to Walham Green, where all that is +best and most typical of the Master—that +effect he obtained of deliberate +treatment of each individual brick—may +be seen in a perfect little poem—an +outhouse (unfinished).</p> + +<p>The fame of Perce Murgatroyd is +founded on the quality rather than the +quantity of his output. To our eternal +loss he suffered from a temperament. +He worked only by fits and starts. He +never overcame a superstition that +"Monday was a bad day for good +work." And he was too conscientious +an artist to attempt anything on days +when the sky was overcast and the light +bad. Often too, when he had actually +made a start, he would stand, smoking +furiously, in front of his work waiting +for an inspiration.</p> + +<p>This habit of his was the primary +cause of his premature end. Emerging +from some such fit of abstraction he +became aware that it was after twelve. +Convivial spirit that he was, he hurried +to join his colleagues at their dinner, +displaying remarkable agility as he descended +the scaffold. But the effort +caused him to perspire, and he took a +chill, from which he never recovered.</p> + +<p>The keynote of Murgatroyd's character +was simplicity. Unaided he rose +to be pre-eminent as a bricklayer, but +in private life he never became accustomed +to the exclusive society to which +by his genius he had won admittance. +He never quite lost the mincing speech +of the class from which he sprang, nor +could he acquire facility in the vigorous +mode of expression proper to his new +and exalted station. "Not 'arf" and +"'Strewf" ever came haltingly to his +tongue, and to the last he struggled +painfully with the double negative.</p> + +<p>But the same indomitable courage +which brought him to the top of his +profession eventually served him in his +adopted social sphere, and in the end +he won through.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/455-1000.png"><img src="images/455-320.png" width="320" height="476" alt="Gwendoline. ''E ain't agoin' to get up for no bun. 'E'd 'ave such an orful lot of up to get.'" /></a> + +<p><i>Gwendoline.</i> <span class="sc">"'E ain't agoin' to get up for no bun. 'E'd 'ave such an +orful lot of up to get."</span></p></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page456" id="page456"></a>[pg 456]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE BRAIN WAVE.</h3> + +<p>I hope William likes it, for he brought +it on himself. As soon as the sad event +was announced to me I discussed the +matter most seriously with Araminta. +"A situation of unparalleled gravity has +arisen," I said, "with regard to the +wedding of William. It is going to be +carried out at Whittlehampton in top-hats. +Picture to yourself the scene. +Waterloo Station full of lithe young athletes +of either sex arrayed for sports on +flood and field, carrying their golf-clubs, +their diabolo spools and their butterfly +nets, and there, in the midst of them, me +with my miserable coat-tails, the June +sun glaring on my burnished topper, +and in my hands the silver asparagus-server +or whatever it is that I am going +to buy for William. I tell you it isn't +done. They will come round and mock +me. They will titter at me through +their tennis-racquets."</p> + +<p>"Couldn't you wear a common or +Homburg hat and carry your other in +a hat-box?" she suggested in that +bright helpful way they have.</p> + +<p>"Amongst the severe economic consequences +of the recent great war," I +replied coldly, "was, if you will take the +trouble to remember, the total loss of +my top-hat box."</p> + +<p>"Well, why not a white cardboard +box, then?"</p> + +<p>"No power on earth shall induce me +to stand on Waterloo Station platform +dandling a white cardboard box," I +cried. "Waterloo indeed! It would +be my Austerlitz, my Jena. I should +never dare to read the works of 'Man +about Town' again. Besides, what +about my morning-coat?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I could pin the tails of it up +inside if you like. Or what about wearing +an overcoat?"</p> + +<p>"Your first suggestion makes me +despair of women's future position in +the economic sphere. The second I +would consider if I could settle the +hat problem."</p> + +<p>And still thinking hard I rang up +William.</p> + +<p>"I suppose you couldn't possibly +cancel this wedding of yours?" I asked +when I had explained the <i>impasse</i>. +Self-centred as usual, he flatly declined.</p> + +<p>"Honestly, I don't see the difficulty +at all," he went on. "I expect you'll +look a bit of a mug anyhow, and probably +there'll be lots of people on the +platform dressed in morning-coats and +top-hats."</p> + +<p>"Nobody leaves London on a Saturday +morning wearing top-hats," I assured +him, "nobody. If I were coming +<i>in</i> to London it would be quite a different +matter. I might be an officer in +the Guards, or M. <span class="sc">Krassin</span> proceeding +to a deputation in Downing Street; but +going out—no. Look here, why not make +it a simple country wedding—sports +coats and hayseed in the hair, and all +that sort of thing?"</p> + +<p>"Spats and white vest-slips will be +worn by all the more prominent guests," +he replied firmly.</p> + +<p>"Well, hang it, have the thing in +London, then," I implored, "and I'll +promise to add the price of the return-fare +to the cost of your wedding present."</p> + +<p>"The bride's parents reside at Whittlehampton, +and the wedding will take +place from the home of the bride," he +answered.</p> + +<p>"You got that little bit out of <i>The +Morning Post</i>," I said. "Couldn't you +persuade the bride's parents to take a +house in London? There's one just +opposite us at only about thirty pounds +a week. Stands in its own grounds, it +does, and there's a stag's head in the +hall. There's nothing like a stag's +head for hanging top-hats on."</p> + +<p>It was no good. You know what +these young lovers are. Immersed in +their own petty affairs, they can pay +no proper attention to the troubles of +their friends.</p> + +<p>William rang off and left me once more +a prey to harrowing despair. There +were only three nights before the +calamity took place, and I had terrible +nightmares on two of them. In one I +attended the wedding in a bowler hat +and pyjamas, with carpet slippers and +spats. In the other my top-hat was on +my head and my vest-slip was all right, +but I tailed off into khaki breeches and +trench boots. On the third day a gleam +of light broke and I rang up William +again.</p> + +<p>"I haven't quite settled that little +hat problem I was talking to you +about," I told him. "Look here—can +you lend me your old top-hat-box?"</p> + +<p>"Haven't got one," he replied. "In +the chaos consequent upon Armageddon +it somehow disappeared."</p> + +<p>I breathed a sigh of relief.</p> + +<p>Happily the morning of the wedding +was cloudy and dull. I wore my oldest +squash hat and coat and went to +Whittlehampton carrying my present +in my hand. As the train arrived the +sun broke through the clouds, and I +also emerged from my chrysalis and +attended the ceremony in all the panoply +that William's egotism had demanded. +If it had not been too late to +get into the list you would have seen +this entry amongst the wedding gifts:—</p> + +<p>"Mr. Herbert Robinson: Leather +hat-box."</p> + +<p>Perhaps if it had been a very full list +it would have gone on:—</p> + +<p>"Containing unique specimen of +dappled fawn trilby headwear slightly +moth-eaten in the crown."</p> + +<p>As I explained to William, it is customary +to give useful rather than +ornamental gifts nowadays, but I could +not refrain from adding a small sentimental +tribute.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE WESTERN LIGHTHOUSES.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Flashed Lizard to Bishop,</p> +<p class="i4">"They're rounding the fish up</p> +<p>Close under my cliffs where the cormorants nest;</p> +<p class="i4">The lugger lamps glitter</p> +<p class="i4">In hundreds and litter</p> +<p>The sea-floor like spangles. What news from the West?"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Flashed he of the mitre,</p> +<p class="i4">"The night's growing brighter,</p> +<p>There's mist over Annet, but all's clear at sea;</p> +<p class="i4">Lit up like a city,</p> +<p class="i4">Her band playing pretty,</p> +<p>A big liner's passing. Ay, all's well with me."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">Flashed Wolf to Round Island,</p> +<p class="i4">"Oh, you upon dry land,</p> +<p>With wild rabbits cropping the pinks at your base,</p> +<p class="i4">You lubber, you oughter</p> +<p class="i4">Stand watch in salt water</p> +<p>With tides tearing at you and spray in your face."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">The gun of the Longships</p> +<p class="i4">Boomed out like a gong, "Ships</p> +<p>Are bleating around me like sheep gone astray;</p> +<p class="i4">There's fog in my channel</p> +<p class="i4">As thick as grey flannel—</p> +<p>Boom-rumble!—I'm busy; excuse me, I pray."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">They winked at each other</p> +<p class="i4">As brother to brother,</p> +<p>Those red lights and white lights, the summer night through,</p> +<p class="i4">And steered the stray tramps out</p> +<p class="i4">Till dawn snuffed their lamps out</p> +<p>And stained the sea-meadows all purple and blue.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i28"><span class="sc">Patlander.</span></p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"Advertiser has Stole Skin, Russian Sables, +for Sale."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">This is what comes of opening up trade +relations with the Bolshevists.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>A provincial firm announces that it +supplies "distinctive clothing for men." +And a very necessary thing, too, in +these days of sex equality.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"<span class="sc">Ex-Soldier</span> requires Loan of £100. What +interest? No lenders."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">We should have thought "No interest! +What lenders?" would have been more +to the point.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page457" id="page457"></a>[pg 457]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<table align="center" width="600" summary="cartoon" border="0" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> +<tr> +<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-a-1-180.png" width="180" height="244" alt="Squire." border="0" /></a><br /> +<span class="sc">Squire.</span></td> + +<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-a-2-184.png" width="184" height="244" alt="Almshouse inmate, late squire." border="0" /></a><br /> +<span class="sc">Almshouse inmate, late squire.</span></td> + +<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-a-3-206.png" width="206" height="244" alt="Second under tweeny at the hall." border="0" /></a><br /> +<span class="sc">Second under tweeny at the hall.</span><br /> +(<i>See Squire</i>).</td> +</tr> +</table> +<table align="center" width="600" summary="cartoon" border="0" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> +<tr> +<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-b-1-270.png" width="270" height="216" alt="Ploughman homeward plodding his weary way." border="0" /></a><br /> +<span class="sc">Ploughman homeward plodding his weary way.</span></td> + +<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-b-2-300.png" width="300" height="216" alt="Village shop proprietor." border="0" /></a><br /> +<span class="sc">Village shop proprietor.</span></td> +</tr> +</table> +<table align="center" width="600" summary="cartoon" border="0" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> +<tr> +<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-c-1-193.png" width="193" height="225" alt="Oldest inhabitant." border="0" /></a><br /> +<span class="sc">Oldest inhabitant.</span></td> + +<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-c-2-189.png" width="189" height="225" alt="Parson." border="0" /></a><br /> +<span class="sc">Parson.</span></td> + +<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-c-3-188.png" width="188" height="225" alt="Bird Scarer (D.S.O., M.C.)." border="0" /></a><br /> +<span class="sc">Bird Scarer (D.S.O., M.C.).</span></td> +</tr> +</table> + +<p class="center">[Among the Americans who will visit us this summer there may be some not +familiar with our countryside types. Mr. Punch hopes +the above will be useful.]</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page458" id="page458"></a>[pg 458]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/458-1000.png"><img src="images/458-330.png" width="330" height="470" alt="The Ex-Plunger. 'Chuck 'orses, my son--they'll be the ruin of yer. I lorst a fortune on the Durby.'" /></a> + +<p><i>The Ex-Plunger.</i> <span class="sc">"Chuck 'orses, my son—they'll be the ruin of yer. I +lorst a fortune on the Durby."</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>HOW TO PACIFY IRELAND.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>By a Student of anti-Coalition Political Psycho-Analysis.</i>)</h4> + +<p>The announcement that a child of +ten years old, recently described by the +Willesden magistrate as "a remarkable +example of a child kleptomaniac," has +been handed over to an eminent specialist +in psycho-pathology, has not +yet received the attention that it undoubtedly +demands. It is true that, in +the beautifully alliterative phrase of one +of our contemporaries, "with the exception +of a penchant for petty peculations" +the young offender "has always +been a model girl, industrious and +truthful," thus justifying the belief of +the eminent specialist, that he could +"wipe out the original sin" in her. But +the child is mother to the woman, and +those of us who have been gradually and +conscientiously convinced of the total +inadequacy of the Government's policy +towards Ireland, cannot but recognise +in this experiment an example which +might be profitably followed in dealing +with what—with all due deference to +Hibernian susceptibilities—we are reluctantly +driven to call the irregular +conduct of certain sections of Irish +society.</p> + +<p>With the exception of a penchant for +petty pin-pricks at the expense of the +police, Ireland's behaviour has been +exemplary in its industry and humanity. +So averse were a large number of her +sons from the employment of violence +in any form that they refused to participate +in warlike operations against +the enemy that threatened our common +Empire. So magnanimous was their +charity that they found it impossible to +credit the harsh and unchristian allegations +levelled at the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> and his +countrymen. But it could hardly be +expected that so high-spirited and +energetic a race could indefinitely pursue +a course of inaction. The relentless +logic which has always been a distinguishing +feature of the Celt has impelled +them, since the cessation of formal +hostilities, to express their disapproval +of a war waged in their interests by indulging +in demonstrations—if so harsh +a term may be permitted—directed +against the <i>régime</i> which has secured +them immunity from invasion, devastation +and conscription, and at the same +time afforded them exceptional opportunities +for amassing wealth.</p> + +<p>It must be reluctantly admitted +that some of these ebullitions have +bordered closely on what we may be +forgiven for describing as indecorum. +But the motive was undoubtedly a +generous instinct of self-assertion. Ever +since the days of <span class="sc">Cain</span>, the first great +self-expressionist, there have always +been richly-organised natures to whom +even fratricide is preferable to the dull +routine of agricultural life.</p> + +<p>None the less it is at least arguable +that an indefinite extension and expansion +of the conduct now prevalent in +the Sister Isle might be fraught with +consequences not altogether conducive +to the longevity of the minority. And +while sad experience has proved the +futility of legislative panaceas there still +remain the fruitful possibilities inherent +in an application of the principles of +psycho-pathological treatment based +on the discoveries of <span class="sc">Freud</span>. For our +own part we are convinced that herein +lies the only solution of Ireland's discontent.</p> + +<p>Therefore let the Government at once +withdraw all troops and munitions of +war from Ireland, disband the R.I.C. +and invite the leaders of the Sinn Fein +movement and of the I.R.B. to submit +to a course of psychiatric treatment +conducted by an international board +of specialists, from which all representatives +of the belligerent Powers +should be excluded, with possibly the +exception of America. It seems incredible +that such an offer should be +refused. If it is we can only patiently +acquiesce in the optimistic view of the +famous Celtic chronicler, <span class="sc">Giraldus +Cambrensis</span>, that Ireland will be ultimately +pacified just before the Day of +Judgment—<i>vix paulo ante diem judicii</i>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<a name="solution" id="solution"></a> + +<h3>THE ART OF POETRY.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">Solution to Problem on page 446</span>.</h4> + +<p class="center">"It comes of my having a sniff."</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page459" id="page459"></a>[pg 459]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/459-1500.png"><img src="images/459-600.png" width="600" height="402" alt="OUR VILLAGE FIRE BRIGADE." /></a> +<h3>OUR VILLAGE FIRE BRIGADE.</h3> + +<p><i>Amateur Engineer</i> (<i>who has burst the boiler and shouted to the driver +to stop</i>). "<span class="sc">Get out the hose quick! The engine's afire</span>."</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + +<p>From what is known of the tastes of Sir <span class="sc">Ian Hamilton</span> +it might have been supposed that he wrote his <i>Gallipoli +Diary</i> (<span class="sc">Arnold</span>) lest his pen-hand should lose its cunning +while wielding the sword. Indeed he tells us of a rumour +among his officers "that I spend my time composing poetry, +especially during our battles." But that he did not write +for the sake of writing must be clear to anyone who reads +the book, even if the author had not declared his motive in +the preface. Here he admits that, though "soldiers think of +nothing so little as failure," it was in fact the thought of possible +failure that determined him, at the very start, to prepare +from day to day his defence. Perhaps this is not quite +the attitude of one who stakes all upon the great chance. +In another significant passage of self-revelation he tells us +how, on a tour of inspection in Egypt, he met <span class="sc">Rupert +Brooke</span>, "the most distinguished of the Georgians." "He +looked extraordinarily handsome ... stretched out there on +the sand, with the only world that counts at his feet." +Whether in ordinary times the world of art is or is not +the "only world that counts," I cannot say, but I am +certain that to a soldier entrusted with an enterprise of so +great moment the only world that should have "counted" +at that hour was the world of war. If the chapter +which describes the failure that followed the landing in +Suvla Bay exposes the incapacity of some of his officers to +inspire their men with that little more energy which would +have ensured a great victory, it seems also to expose a +certain want of compelling personality in the High Command. +But of the military questions here raised I make no +pretence to judge, and in any case judgment has been passed +on them already. The interest of the diary lies in its appeal +as a human document. It is the <i>apologia</i> of a man who, for +all his criticism, often apparently justified, of the authorities +at home (there are passages which he must surely have suppressed +if Lord <span class="sc">Kitchner</span> had still been living), sets down +scarce a word in malice and but few in bitterness of spirit; +who appreciates at its high worth the devotion and gallantry +of his officers and men; who, whatever qualities he +may have lacked for his difficult task, reveals himself as +loyal at heart and generous by nature.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Miss <span class="sc">Ruth Holt Boucicault</span> (a name with a double +theatrical association) has written, in <i>The Rose of Jericho</i> +(<span class="sc">Putnam</span>), a novel of American stage life which I should +suppose comes as near to being a true picture as such +stories can. She derives her title from the convenient +habit of the desert rose of detaching itself from uncongenial +or exhausted soil, subsiding into a compact mass and +travelling before the wind to more profitable surroundings. +It will be admitted that the author has at least hit upon a +picturesque metaphor for a touring company, which on +this analogy becomes a very garden of (Jericho) roses. +Actually, however, she no doubt intended it to apply more +to the disposition of her heroine, and in particular to her +power of transferring her young affections, flower, leaf and +root, from one object to another, with undiminished enthusiasm. +<i>Sheelah's</i> capacity for being off with the old and +on with the new is almost preternatural; her progress from +stage-child to leading lady is accompanied by such various +essays in unconventional domesticity that the reader may +well experience a sense of confusion, or at least feel some +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page460" id="page460"></a>[pg 460]</span> +difficulty in sustaining the first freshness of his sympathy. +The story is at times almost startlingly American, +as when the original betrayer of the heroine is excused on +the ground that, being English, his morality would naturally +not rise to native level (I swear I'm not laughing—see +page 168); and so full of the idiom of the Transatlantic +stage as to be a perfect <i>vade mecum</i> for visiting mimes from +this side. For the rest, vivacious, wildly sentimental and +obviously written from first-hand experience.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>By calling her <i>Potterism</i> (<span class="sc">Collins</span>) "a tragi-farcical +tract" Miss <span class="sc">Rose Macaulay</span> disarms our criticism that she +conducts too heavy a discussion from too light a platform. I +don't think the author of <i>What Not</i> is likely to write anything +dull, anything I shan't be pleased to read. She has +a keen eye, a candid soul, a sharp-pointed pen. She is +deliciously modern. And she dislikes <i>Potterism</i>, which is +sentimental lack of precision in +thought. It is much more (or +much less) than this, but I get +the definition by inverting a +phrase of her dedication. <i>Potter</i>, +by the way, or <i>Lord Pinkerton</i>, +as he is now, owns a series of +newspapers "not so good as <i>The +Times</i> nor so bad as <i>The Weekly +Dispatch</i>" (guileless piece of +camouflage this!), and <i>Mrs. +Potter</i> ("<i>Leila Yorke</i>") is a +novelist who might have written +<i>The Rosary</i>. Two of the young +<i>Potters, Jane</i> and <i>Johnny</i>, though +they both when up at Oxford +joined the <i>Anti-Potter League</i>, +do not thereby escape being +Potterites. They cling to materialistic +<i>Potter</i> values. Whereas +an aristocratic clergyman, a woman +scientist, a Jew journalist +(this last an admirable study) +do in varying degrees contrive +to avoid the deadly infection. +This tract needed writing. I +have a feeling that it could +be better done and by <span class="sc">Rose +Macaulay</span>. But it makes excellent +reading as it is.... +The pachyderm will wince, +shake himself and be left grinning.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Palmer</span> derives the title of <i>My Profitable +Friends</i> (<span class="sc">Selwyn and Blount</span>) from a verse, new to me, in +which the poet, apparently when launching her wares, +concludes,</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"But who has pain has songs to sell;</p> +<p>My Profitable Friends, farewell!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>which I take to be the pleasantest way in the world of +calling them pot-boilers. But whether they were so intended +or not, there can be no question of the very agreeable +dexterity that Mr. <span class="sc">Palmer</span> brings to the composition +of his tales. Save for a few experiments (which I should +call the least successful in the collection) his formula is +not the episodical "slice of life," with crumbly edges. His +choice is for the well-made, with usually some ingenious +little twist at the finish, and (so to speak) a neatly tied bow +to end all. As an instance of this kind I commend to your +notice the admirably shaped little yarn called "Two-penn'orth." +Mr. <span class="sc">Palmer</span> has a pretty wit (perhaps here +and there a trifle thin), shown nowhere to better advantage +than in "A Picked Eleven," one of the most entertaining, +and at the same time human, short stories that I have ever +read. Further, his tales are essentially of the friendly order, +and the public will be in fault if they do not also prove +profitable, since we have none too many writers capable of +getting such deft results with the same economy of means.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>In most stories constructed on the <i>Enoch Arden</i> principle +one of the husbands or wives (whichever it may be of whom +there are too many) is usually a very nasty person. Miss +<span class="sc">Sophie Cole</span>, in <i>The Cypress Tree</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>), +makes +all three of her entangled characters quite attractive; in +fact, though I fear she would not wish me to say so, I +really liked the unsuccessful competitor better than the +winner. Books made up of the little homely things +which might happen to anybody and distinguished by their +pleasant atmosphere have been Miss <span class="sc">Cole</span>'s speciality in +the past; this time she has, +without abating a jot of her +pleasantness, added a touch of +the occult in the shape of an +old black-letter volume which +infects everyone who gets possession +of it with a mildly insane +determination to keep it. +An honourable man steals it +and a nice woman smacks her +baby for holding it, so you can +see how really baleful its influence +must have been when you +consider that they were both +Miss <span class="sc">Cole's</span> characters. A very +little of the occult will excuse a +good deal of improbability, and +the small amount that has crept +into <i>The Cypress Tree</i> does not +spoil the effect of a truly +"nice" tale.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>As an admirer of the <i>Spud +Tamson</i> books it irks me to +have to say that <i>Winnie McLeod</i> +(<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) contains too much +solid sermon to appeal to me. +I gather that <span class="sc">R. W. Campbell</span> +wants to show how dangerous +life may be for a poor and beautiful +girl, and as a warning <i>Winnie</i> +can be confidently recommended. But sound and wholesome +as the preaching is it seems to me more suitable for a +tract than for a novel. Moreover it is not easy to feel full +sympathy with a hero who is frankly called an Adonis, who +"played a good bat at cricket," and also in a strenuous +rugger match "dropped a beauty through the Edinburgh +sticks." Altogether the picture suffers from the prodigious +amount of paint that has been spent on it; yet I am confident +it will afford edification to many people whose tastes +I respect but cannot share.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"Ninety-six per cent. of men employed in the gas undertakings +voted in favour of a strike. Four per cent. were against such action +and the neutrals formed an infinitesimal number,"—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">A mere cipher, in fact.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"Required, immediately, man with intimate knowledge of colours +to call on consumers with ochres from the French Alps."</p> + +<p class="author1"><i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Personally, we always prefer to consume raw umbers from +the Apennines.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/460-800.png"><img src="images/460-400.png" width="400" height="462" alt="Customer. 'But if these watches cost ten bob to make...." /></a> +<p><i>Customer.</i> "<span class="sc">But if these watches cost ten bob to +make, and you are selling them at the same price, +where does your profit come in</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Watchmaker.</i> "<span class="sc">We get it repairing them</span>."</p></div> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<table align="center" summary="note" style="margin-top: 5em;"> +<tr><td class="note"> +<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4> + +<p>Corrections are indicated by a dotted line underneath the correction.</p> +<p style="margin-top:-1em;">Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p> + +<p>Correction:</p> +p. 1.: 'say' corrected to 'says' ... 'says a Government official.' + + +</td></tr></table> + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="pg" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 158, JUNE 9, 1920***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 31119-h.txt or 31119-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/1/1/1/31119">http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/1/1/31119</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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