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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 19:54:59 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 19:54:59 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/31039-8.txt b/31039-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..09fa4d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/31039-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1819 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, +May 24, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, May 24, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Cowley Burnand + +Release Date: January 21, 2010 [EBook #31039] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MAY 24, 1890. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. XI.--THE RIVAL DOLLS. + +"Miss JENNY and POLLY Had each a new dolly."--_Vide Poem._ + +CHARACTERS. + +_Miss Jenny_ } + } By the Sisters LEAMAR. +_Miss Polly_ } + +_The Soldier Doll_} + } By the Two ARMSTRONGS. +_The Sailor Doll_ } + +SCENE--_A Nursery. Enter_ Miss JENNY and Miss POLLY, _who perform a +blameless step-dance with an improving chorus_. + + Oh, isn't it jolly! we've each a new dolly, + And one is a Soldier, the other's a Tar! + We're fully contented with what's been presented, + Such good little children we both of us are! + + [_They dance up to a cupboard, from which they bring out two large + Dolls, which they place on chairs._ + + _Miss J._ _Don't_ they look nice! + Come, POLLY, let us strive + To make ourselves believe that they're alive! + +_Miss P._ (addressing Sailor D.). I'm glad you're mine. I dote on all +that's nautical. + +_The Sailor D. (opening his eyes suddenly)._ Excuse me, Miss, your +sister's more _my_ sort o' gal! + + [_Kisses his hand_ to Miss J., _who shrinks back, shocked and alarmed_. + +_Miss J._ Oh, POLLY, did you hear? I feel so shy! + +_The Soldier D. (with mild self-assertion)._ _I_ can say "Pa" and +"Ma"--and wink my eye. + + [_Does so at_ Miss P., _who runs in terror to_ Miss J.'s _side_. + +_Miss J._ Why, both are showing signs of animation! + +_Miss P._ Who'd think we had such strong imagination! + +_The Soldier Doll_ (_aside to the_ Sailor D.). I say, old fellow, we have + caught their fancy-- +In each of us they now a real man see! +Let's keep it up! + +_The Sailor D. (dubiously)._ D'ye think as we can _do_ it? + +_The Soldier D._ You stick by me, and I will see you through it. +Sit up, and turn your toes out,--don't you loll; +Put on the Man, and drop the bloomin' Doll! + + [_The_ Sailor Doll _pulls himself together, and rises from chair + importantly_. + +_The Sailor D. (in the manner of a Music-hall Chairman)_--Ladies, with + your kind leave, this gallant gent +Will now his military sketch present. + +[Miss J. _and_ P. applaud; _the_ Soldier D., _after feebly +expostulating, is induced to sing_. + +_Song, by the Soldier Doll._ + + When I used to be displayed + In the Burlington Arcade, + With artillery arrayed + Underneath. Shoulder Hump! + I imagine that I made + All the Lady Dolls afraid, + I should draw my battle-blade + From its sheath, Shoulder Hump! + For I'm Mars's gallant son, + And my back I've shown to none, + Nor was ever seen to run + From the strife! &c. + Oh, the battles I'd have won, + And the dashing deeds have done, + If I'd ever fired a gun + In my life! &c. + +_Refrain (to be sung marching round Stage)._ + + By your right flank, wheel! + Let the front rank kneel! + With the bristle of the steel + To the foe. + Till their regiments reel, + At our rattling peal, + And the military zeal + We show! + + [_Repeat, with the whole company marching round after him._ + +_The Soldier Doll._ My friend will next oblige--this jolly Jack Tar +Will give his song and chorus in charąck-tar! + + [_Same business with_ Sailor D. + +_Song, by the Sailor Doll._ + + In costume I'm + So maritime, + You'd never suppose the fact is, + That with the Fleet + In Regent Street, + I'd precious little naval practice! + There was saucy craft, + Rigged fore an' aft, + Inside o' Mr. CRE-MER'S. + From Noah's Arks to Clipper-built barques, + Like-wise mechanical stea-mers. + + But to navigate the Serpentine, + Yeo ho, my lads, ahoy! + With clockwork, sails, or spirits of wine, + Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy! + I did respeckfully decline, + So I was left in port to pine, + Which wasn't azactually the line + Of a rollicking Sailor Boy, + Yeo-ho! Of a rollicking Sailor Bo-oy! + + Yes, there was lots + Of boats and yachts, + Of timber and of tin, too; + But one and all + Was far too small + For a doll o' my size to get into! + I was too big + On any brig + To ship without disas-ter, + And it wouldn't never do + When the cap'n and the crew + Were a set o' little swabs all plas-ter! + +_Chorus_--So to navigate the Serpentine, &c. + + An Ark is p'raps + The berth for chaps + As is fond o' Natural Hist'ry. + But I sez to SHEM + And the rest o' them, + "How you get along at all's a myst'ry! + With a Wild Beast Show + Let loose below, + And four fe-males on deck too! + I never could agree + With your happy fami-lee, + And your lubberly ways I objeck to." + + [_Chorus. Hornpipe by the company, after which the_ Soldier Doll + _advances condescendingly to_ Miss JENNY. + +_The Sold. D._ Invincible I'm reckoned by the Ladies. +But yield to you--though conquering my trade is! + +_Miss J. (repulsing him)._ Oh, go away, you great conceited thing, you! + + [The Sold. D. _persists in offering her attentions_. + +_Miss P. (watching them bitterly)._ To be deserted by one's doll does +sting you! + + [_The_ Sailor D. _approaches_. + +_The Sailor D. (to_ Miss P.) Let me console you, Miss, a Sailor Doll +As swears his 'art was ever true to POLL! + + (_N.B.--Good opportunity for Song here._) + +_Miss P._ (_indignantly to_ Miss J.) Your Sailor's teasing me to be his + idol! +Do make him stop--(_spitefully_)--When you've _quite_ done with _my_ doll! + +_Miss J. (scornfully)._ If you suppose _I_ want your wretched warrior, +I'm sorry _for_ you! + +_Miss P._ I for you am sorrier. + +_Miss J. (weeping_, R.). POLLY preferred to me--what ignominy! + +_Miss P. (weeping,_ L.). My horrid Sailor jilting me for JENNY! + + [_The two Dolls face one another_, C. + +_Sailor D. (to_ Soldier D.). You've made her sluice her skylights now, + you swab! + +_Soldier D. (to_ Sailor D.). As you have broke her heart, I'll break + your nob! + + [_Hits him._ + +_Sailor D. (in a pale fury)._ This insult must be blotted out in bran! + +_Soldier D. (fiercely)._ Come on, I'll shed your sawdust--if I can! + + [Miss J. _and_ P. _throw themselves between the + combatants_. + +_Miss J._ For any mess you make we shall be scolded, +So wait until a drugget we've unfolded! + + [_They lay down drugget on Stage._ + +_The Soldier D. (politely)._ No hurry, Miss, _we_ don't object to waiting. + +_The Sailor D. (aside)._ His valour--like my own--'s evaporating! +(_Defiantly to_ Soldier D.). On guard! You'll see how soon I'll run +you through! (_Confidentially_). (If you will not prod _me_, + I won't pink _you_.) + +_The Soldier D._ Through your false kid my deadly blade I'll pass! +(_Confidentially_). (Look here, old fellow, don't you be a _hass_!) + + [_They exchange passes at a considerable distance._ + +_The Sailor D. (aside)._ Don't lose your temper now! + +_Sold. D._ Don't get excited. +Do keep a little farther off! + +_Sail. D._ Delighted! + + [_Wounds_ Soldier D. _by misadventure_. + +_Sold. D. (annoyed)._ There now, you've gone and made upon my wax a dent! + +_Sail. D._ Excuse me, it was really quite an accident. + +_Sold. D. (savagely)._ Such clumsiness would irritate a saint! + + [_Stabs_ Sailor Doll. + +_Miss J. and P. (imploringly)._ Oh, stop! the sight of sawdust turns + us faint! + + [_They drop into chairs, swooning._ + +_The Sailor D._ I'll pay you out for that! + + [_Stabs_ Soldier D. + +_Sold. D._ Right through you've poked me! + +_Sailor D._ So you have _me_! + +_Sold. D._ You shouldn't have provoked me! + + [_They fall transfixed._ + +_Sailor D. (faintly)._ Alas, we have been led away by vanity. +Dolls shouldn't try to imitate humanity! + + [_Dies._ + +_Soldier D._ For, if they do, they'll end like us, unpitied, +Each on the other's sword absurdly spitted! + + [_Dies._ Miss J. _and_ P. _revive, and bend sadly over the corpses_. + +_Miss Jenny._ From their untimely end we draw this moral, +How wrong it is, even for dolls, to quarrel! + +_Miss Polly._ Yes, JENNY, in the fate of these poor fellows see +What sad results may spring from female jealousy! + + [_They embrace penitently as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ROSE-WATER CURE.] + + * * * * * + +THE ROSE-WATER CURE. + + [The Report of the Sweating Committee says that "the inefficiency of + many of the lower class of workers, early marriages, and the + tendency of the residuum of the population in large towns to form a + helpless community, together with a low standard of life and the + excessive supply of unskilled labour are the chief factors in + producing sweating." The Committee's chief "recommendations" in + respect of the evils of Sweating seem to be, the lime-washing of + work-places and the multiplication of sanitary inspectors.] + + SEVENTY-ONE Sittings, a many months' run, + Witnesses Two Hundred, Ninety and One: + Clergymen, guardians, factors, physicians, + Middlemen, labourers, smart statisticians, + Journalists, managers, Gentiles and Jews, + And this is the issue! A thing to amuse + A cynic, the chat of this precious Committee, + But moving kind hearts to despair blent with pity. + + CANTUAR., DERBY, and mild ABERDEEN, + Such anti-climax sure never was seen! + ONSLOW and ROTHSCHILD and MONKSWELL and THRING, + Are you content with the pitiful thing? + DUNRAVEN out of it; lucky, my lad! + (Though your retirement seemed caused by a fad) + Was the Inquiry in earnest or sport? + What is the pith of this precious Report? + + Sweating--which all the world joined to abuse-- + Is not the fault of poor Russians or Jews; + 'Tisn't the middleman more than the factor, + 'Tisn't, no 'tisn't, the sub-contractor; + 'Tisn't machinery. No! In fact, + What Sweating _is_, in a manner exact, + After much thinking we cannot define. + Who _is_ to blame for it? Well, we incline + To think that the Sweated (improvident elves!) + Are, at the bottom, _to blame themselves_! + They're poor of spirit, and weak of will, + They marry early, have little skill; + They herd together, all sexes and ages, + And take too tamely starvation wages; + And if they _will_ do so, much to their shame, + How can the Capitalist be to blame? + Remedies? Humph! We really regret + We don't see our way to them. People _must_ sweat, + _Must_ stitch and starve till they almost drop; + But _let it be done in a lime-washed shop_! + To drudge in these dens is their destined fate, + But keep the dens in a decent state. + More inspectors, fewer bad smells, + These be our cures for the Sweaters' Hells! + + Revolutions with rose-water cannot be made! + So it was said. But the horrors of Trade, + Competition's accursed fruit, + The woman a drudge, and the man a brute, + These, our Committee of Lordlings are sure, + Can only be met by the Rose-water Cure! + The Sweating Demon to exorcise + Exceeds the skill of the wealthy wise. + Still he must "grind the face of the poor." + (Though some of us have a faint hope, to be sure, + That the highly respectable Capitalist + To the Lords' mild lispings will kindly list.) + No; the Demon must work his will + On his ill-paid suffering victims still; + But--he'd better look with a little _less_ dirt, + So sprinkle the brute with our Rose-water Squirt!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HARDLY LIKELY. + +(_An Incident in a "Point to Point" Race._) + +_Fallen Competitor (to his Bosom Friend, who now has the Race in hand)._ +"HI, GEORGE, OLD MAN! JUST CATCH MY HORSE, THERE'S A GOOD CHAP!"] + + * * * * * + +AN ENTERTAINMENT OF A GOOD STAMP.--The Penny Postage Jubilee Exhibition +at the Guildhall. + + * * * * * + +SONG SENTIMENTIANA. + +(_A delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable +Composer._) + + EXAMPLE IV.--Treating of a passion which, in the well-meant process + of making the best of it, unconsciously saddles its object with the + somewhat harassing responsibility of competing with the Universal + Provider. + + THOU art all the world to me, love, + Thou art everything in one, + From my early cup of tea, love, + To my kidney underdone; + From my canter in the Row, love, + To my invitation lunch-- + From my quiet country blow, love, + To my festive London _Punch_. + + Thou art all in all to me, love,-- + Thou art bread and meat and drink; + Thou art air and land and sea, love,-- + Thou art paper, pens, and ink. + Thou art all of which I'm fond, love: + Thou art Whitstables from RULE'S,-- + "Little drops" with SPIERS AND POND, love,-- + Measures sweet at Mr. POOLE'S. + + Thou art everything I lack, love, + From a month at Brighton gay + (Bar the journey there and back, love) + To the joys of Derby Day-- + From the start from my abode, love, + With a team of frisky browns, + To the driving "on the road," love, + And the dry _vin_ on the Downs! + + Thou art all the world to me, love,-- + Thou art all the thing contains; + Thou art honey from the bee, love,-- + Thou art sugar from the canes. + Thou art----stay! I've made a miss, love; + I'm forgetting, on my life! + Thou art all--excepting _this_, love,-- + Your devoted servant's wife! + + * * * * * + +CHARLES THE FIRST. + +SIR,--Did CHARLES THE FIRST walk _and_ talk half an hour after his head +was cut off, or not? + +Yours, + + A VERIFIER OF FACTS. + +SIR,--CHARLES THE FIRST walked and talked _one quarter of an hour_, not +half, as is erroneously supposed, after his decollation. We know this by +two Dutch pictures which I had in my possession until only the other +day, when I couldn't find them anywhere. + +Yours, + + HISTORIAN. + +SIR,--King CHARLES THE FIRST lost his head long before he came to the +scaffold. I have the block now by me. From it the well-known wood-cut +was taken. + + CONSULE PLAUCO. + +SIR,--It is a very curious thing, but all the trouble was taken out of +CHARLES'S head and put into mine years ago by one of the greatest +CHARLESES that ever lived, whose name was DICKENS; and mine, without the +"ENS," is + +Yours truly, + +"Mr. DICK." + +P.S.--"'Mr. DICK sets us all right,' said My Aunt, quietly." + + * * * * * + +A CHAPTER OF DICKENS UP TO DATE. + +[Illustration] + +(_In which Mrs. Harris, assisted by a Carpet, is the cause of a division +between Friends._) + +MRS. GAMP'S apartment wore, metaphorically speaking, a Bab-Balladish +aspect, being considerably topsy-turvey, as rooms have a habit of being +after any unusual ebullition of temper on the part of their occupants. +It was certainly not swept and garnished, although its owner was +preparing for the reception of a visitor. That visitor was BETSEY PRIG. + +Mrs. GAMP'S chimney-piece was ornamented with three photographs: one of +herself, looking somewhat severe; one of her friend and bosom companion, +Mrs. PRIG, of far more amiable aspect; and one of a mysterious personage +supposed to be Mrs. HARRIS. + +"There! Now, drat you, BETSEY, don't be long!" said Mrs. GAMP, +apostrophising her absent friend. "For I'm in no mood for waiting, I do +assure you. I'm easy pleased, but I must have my own way (as is always +the best and wisest), and have it directly minit, when the fancy strikes +me, else we shall part, and that not friendly, as I could wish, but +bearin' malice in our 'arts." + + * * * + +"BETSEY," said Mrs. GAMP, "I will now propoge a toast. My frequent +pardner, BETSEY PRIG!" + +"Which, altering the name to SAIRAH GAMP, I drink," said Mrs. PRIG, +"with love and tenderness!" + +"Now, SAIRAH," said Mrs. PRIG, "jining business with pleasure, as so +often we've done afore, wot is this bothersome affair about which you +wants to consult me? _Are_ you a-goin' to call me over the Carpet once +more, SAIREY?" + +"Drat the Carpet!" exclaimed Mrs. GAMP, with a vehement explosiveness +whose utter unexpectedness quite disconcerted her friend. + +"_Is_ it Mrs. HARRIS?" inquired Mrs. PRIG, solemnly. + +"Yes, BETSY PRIG, it _is_," snapped Mrs. GAMP, angrily, "that very +person herself, and no other, which, after twenty years of trust, I +never know'd nor never expected to, which it 'urts a feeling 'art even +to name her name as henceforth shall be nameless betwixt us twain." + +"Oh, shall it?" retorted Mrs. PRIG, shortly. "Why bless the woman, if +_I_'d said that, you'd ha' bitten the nose off my face, as is your +nature to, as the poick says." + +"Don't you say nothink against poicks, BETSEY, and I'll say nothink +against musicians," retorted Mrs. GAMP, mysteriously. + +"Oh! then it _was_ to call me over the Carpet that you sent for me so +sudden and peremptory?" rejoined Mrs. PRIG, with a smile. + +"DRAT THE CARPET!!!" again ejaculated Mrs. GAMP, with astonishing +fierceness. "Wot do _you_ know about the Carpet, BETSEY?" + +"Why nothink at all, my dear; nor don't want to," replied Mrs. PRIG, +with surprise. + +"Oh!" retorted Mrs. GAMP, "you don't, don't you? Well, then, I _do_, and +it's time you did likewise, if pardners we are to remain who 'ave +pardners been so long." + +Mrs. PRIG muttered something not quite audible, but which sounded +suspiciously like, "'Ard wuck!" + +"Which share and share alike is my mortar," continued Mrs. GAMP; "that +as bin my princerple, and I've found it pay. But Injin Carpets for our +mutual 'ome, of goldiun lustre and superfluos shine, as tho' we wos +Arabian Knights, I cannot and I will not stand. It is the last stror as +camels could not forgive. No, BETSEY," added Mr. GAMP, in a violent +burst of feeling, "nor crokydiles forget!" + +"Bother your camels, and your crokydiles too!" retorted Mrs. PRIG, with +indifference. "Wy, SAIREY, wot a tempest in a teapot, to be sure!" + +Mrs. GAMP looked at her with amazement, incredulity, and indignation. +"Wot!" she with difficulty ejaculated. "A--tempest--in--a--Teapot!! And +does BETSEY PRIG, my pardner for so many years, call her friend a +Teapot, and decline to take up SAIREY'S righteous quarrel with a Mrs. +HARRIS?" + +Then Mrs. PRIG, smiling more scornfully, and folding her arms still +tighter, uttered these memorable and tremendous words,-- + +"Wy, certainly she does, SAIREY GAMP; _most_ certainly she does. Wich I +don't believe there's either rhyme or reason in sech an absurd quarrel!" +After the utterance of which expressions she leaned forward, and snapped +her fingers, and then rose to put on her bonnet, as one who felt that +there was now a gulf between them which nothing could ever bridge +across. + + * * * * * + +THE PATIENT AT PLAY. + +_Adviser._ Have you ever been present at a performance of _The Dead +Heart_? + +_Patient._ No; and I know nothing of a _Tale of Two Cities_. + +_A._ Then surely you are well acquainted with _All for Her_? + +_P._ I regret to reply in the negative. + +_A._ Perhaps, you have seen the vision in _The Bells_, or the _Corsican +Brothers_? + +_P._ Alas! I am forced to confess I am familiar with neither! + +_A._ Dear me! This is very sad! Strange! I will give you a prescription. +Go to _Paul Kauvar_. You will then be provided with a thoroughly +enjoyable mixture. + + [_Exit Patient to Drury Lane, where he passes a delightful evening._ + + * * * * * + +NELLIE AT THE SODGERIES. + +(_Another Legend of the Royal Military Exhibition._) + +[Illustration] + +THE Lady once more left her frame in the Club Morning Room. + +"So I was wrong," she murmured, as she wended her way towards the now +familiar spot. "Poor NELLIE, after all, was _not_ forgotten. I am glad +of it,--very glad indeed!" + +And the flesh tints of Sir PETER LELY'S paint-brush brightened, as a +smile played across the canvas features. + +"I' faith! the Military gentlemen are gallants, one and all! To be sure! +Then how would it be possible that the foundress of a hospital should be +overlooked? And one as comely as myself!" + +So, well pleased, she journeyed on. As she reached the river, there was +quite a crowd,--people were coming by rail, and boat, and omnibus. It +was quite like the olden days of the Exhibitions at South Kensington. +She passed through the turnstiles, and then found the cause of the +excitement. There were all sorts of good things. A gallery full of +pictures, and relics of battles ancient and modern, a museum of +industrial work, a collection of everything interesting to a soldier. In +the grounds were balloons, and fireworks, assaults at arms, and the best +military bands. At length the Lady from the frame in the Club Morning +Room stood before a portrait showing a good-natured face and a comely +presence. + +"And so there I am! And in my hands a model of the Hospital hard-by! +'Gad zooks!' as poor dear ROWLEY used to say, I have no cause for +complaint! I thank those kind hearts who can find good in +everything,--even in poor NELLIE!" + +And, thoroughly satisfied at the treatment she had received at the +Sodgeries, Mistress NELL GWYNNE returned to her haunt in the Club +Morning Room. + + * * * * * + +A GLEE QUARTETTE.--Welcome to the Meister Glee Singers. Mr. SAXON, in +spite of his name, is by no means brutal, though he might be pardoned +for being so when he sees his colleague Mr. SAXTON suiting everybody to +a T. Mr. HAST has just as much speed as is necessary, and the fourth +gentleman should be neither angry NORCROSS, since he always sings in +tune. 'Tis a mad world, my Meisters, but, mad or not, we shall always be +glad to hear your glees. + + * * * * * + +AT THE DENTIST'S.--"_It won't hurt you in the least, and it will be out +before you know where you are_;" _i.e._, "You will suffer in the one +minute and thirty-nine seconds I am tugging at your jaw, all the +concentrated agony of forty-eight continuous hours of wrenching your +crushed and tortured body off your staring and staggered head." + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Wednesday._--Great Day everywhere. _Mr. Punch_ appears. Crowds in Fleet +Street. The Numbers up in the Office Window. Receptions, alarums, (eight +day) excursions (there and back) to meet H.M. STANLEY. Curfew at dusk. +No followers allowed. + +_Thursday._--Crowds out to meet H. M. STANLEY. Mrs. NEMO'S sixth and +last dance to meet Mr. H. M. STANLEY, as he hasn't been to any of the +others. + +_Friday._--Lecture by Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM on "the block system," in the +time of CHARLES THE FIRST. Admission by entrances only. + +_Saturday._--Centenary Celebration of a lot of things. Review of the +events of the past month in Hyde Park, by the Editor of the _Nineteenth +Century_, to meet Mr. STANLEY. Ceremony of conferring the Order of the +Adelphi on H. M. STANLEY, by Messrs. GATTI. + +_Sunday._--Short services from Dover to Calais. No sermon. Collection in +Hyde Park. H. M. STANLEY goes to meet somebody else for a change. + +_Monday._--Expedition to find H. M. STANLEY. + +_Tuesday._--Readings of the Barometer, and lecture on hot-house plants +and French grapes, by Sir SOMERS VINE. At Tattersall's, Lecture on the +approaching "Eve of the Derby," and the female dark races. + + * * * * * + +It has been finally settled that Mr. PHIL GORMAN, who will be remembered +in connection with the catering department at all the public dinners +held of late years in Sloshfield, is to be the next incumbent of the +highest municipal office in that prosperous borough. Mrs. GORMAN is a +daughter of the celebrated local poet, JAMES POSH, whose verse still +occasionally adorns the _Sloshfield Standard_. + + * * * * * + +A remarkable incident is stated to have taken place at Lady B----'s +fancy dress ball. A gentleman, wearing the gorgeous costume of a +Venetian Senator of the _renaissance_ period, somewhat awkwardly +entangled his spurs in the flowing train of a beautiful _débutante_, +dressed to represent Diana the Huntress. Some of those in the immediate +vicinity of the ill-used goddess aver that she was distinctly heard to +say, "Pig!". Those who know her better declare, however, that, with her +usual politeness, she merely remarked, "I _beg_ your pardon." Hence the +misconception, which is certainly pardonable. + + * * * * * + +The trees in the Park are now assuming their brightest verdure. It is +interesting to note that the number of sparrows shows no signs of +diminution. + + * * * * * + +Excellent subject Sir ARTHUR has chosen for his serious +opera--_Ivanhoe_. It is now finally settled that the part of _Rowena_ +will not be entrusted to Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL. It is whispered that the +great effect will be the song of _Isaac of York_, magnificently +orchestrated for fifteen Jews' harps, played by lads all under the age +of twelve. They have already commenced practice under the eye of Sir +ARTHUR, who himself is no unskilled performer on the ancient lyre of +JUBAL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MODERN PISTOL. + +"BASE IS THE SLAVE THAT PAYS!"] + + * * * * * + +A RUM CUSTOMER. + +[Illustration] + +THEY have bin so jolly busy lately at the "Grand Hotel," and a reel +grand Hotel it is too, that they wanted sum assistence in the werry +himportant line of Waiters; so they werry naterally sent for me, and in +course I went, and a werry nice cumferal place it is for ewerybody, both +Waiters and Wisiters, and I can trewly say as I aint had not a singel +complaint since I have been here. + +Well, one day a young Swell came a sauntering in, about 4 o'clock, and +wanted to know if he cood have a lunch for a gentleman, and in the +hansomest room as there was in the house. Of course I was ekal to the +ocashun, and told him, yes, he coud, and not only in the hansomest room +in that house but in the hansomest room in Lundon, and I at wunce showed +him into our Marble Pillow Room, which I coud see at a glarnce made a +werry deep impression on his mind, which I was not at all surprized at, +for it is about as near a approach to Paradise as you can resonably +expect so werry near the Strand. + +So I sets him down at a sweet little round table, and I puts a lovely +gold candlestick on it, with two darling little cherubs a climing up it, +jest as if they was a going for to lite the candle, and then he horders +his simple luncheon, which it was jest a cup of our shuperior chocolate +and two xquisite little beef and am sandwitches, and wile he eat and +drank 'em he arsked me sech lots of questyuns as farely estonished me. +Such as, how much did the four Marbel Pillows cost? So I said, about 200 +pound, for I allers thinks as an hed Waiter should be reddy to anser any +question as he is arsked, weather he knos anythink about it or not. + +Then he wanted to know where we got all our bewtifool flowers from, and +I told him as we had 'em in fresh every morning from the South of France +along with our Shampane, which was made a purpose for us by the most +sellebrated makers, and consisted of two sorts, wiz.: dry for the +higneramuses and rich for the connysewers. So he ordered a bottle of the +latter, and drunk two glasses of it, and then acshally made me drink one +two, and sed as it was the finest as he had ewer tasted. He then asked +me what made us line all the room with such bewtifool looking glass, and +I told him as it was by order of most of the most bewtifoolest Ladys in +Lundon, who came to dine there wunce or twice every week. So he said as +how he shood drop in now and then to see 'em, for he thort as they gave +a sort of relish to a good dinner. He then got up, and saying as he +didn't want not no Bill, he throwed down a soverain and saying, "I shall +allus know where to cum to when I wants a reelly ellegant lunch, in a +reelly ellegant room, and to be waited on by a reelly respectful +Waiter," went away. + +And now cums the strangest part of the hole affair, for presently in +rushes our most gentlemanly Manager, and he says, says he, "Do you know, +ROBERT, who that was as you've bin a waiting on?" "No, Sir!" says I. +"Why it's no other than the young ----" But wild hosses shan't tear the +name and title from me, as I was forbid to menshun it; but all I can say +is, that if it was known when he was a coming next time, there wood be +sich a crowd to see him as ewen our bewtifool Marble Pillow Room +wouldn't hold. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +REPORTED ACCIDENT TO A COLONEL AND AN ALDERMAN.--Members of the Ancient +Corporation will do well to open their Royal Academy Guide very +cautiously, at least when they come to the Sculpture Department, as, if +come upon suddenly, their nervous system would receive a severe shock +from the following announcement:--"2023. Colonel W. H. WILKIN--bust." We +are glad to say that the worthy and gallant Alderman has pulled himself +together, and is uncommonly well. By the way, it is but fair to the +sculptor to state that his name is--ahem!--"WALKER." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ANTEDILUVIAN SURVIVAL. + +_Ęsthetic Party (looking over Furnished House)._ "A--I'M AFRAID, MY +LOVE, THAT THIS IS THE KIND OF DINING-ROOM--A--IN WHICH ONE WOULD FEEL +THAT ONE OUGHT TO DINE AT SIX O'CLOCK!!!"] + + * * * * * + +"NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS." + +_Leo Britannicus, loquitur_;-- + + GOOD Gentlemen both, you're on opposite tacks! + Well, your plans you are perfectly welcome to try on. + They talk of the patience of lambs, or park hacks; + They're not in it, my lads, with an elderly Lion. + A Lion, I mean, of the genuine breed, + And not a thin-skinned and upstart adolescent. + Dear me! did I let everybody succeed + In stirring me up, or in making things pleasant, + By smoothing me down in a flattering style, + I'd have, there's no doubt, a delectable time of it. + You think I look drowsy, and smile a fat smile; + Well, what if I do? Where's the very great crime of it? + A Lion, you know, is not all roar and ramp, + So, STANLEY my hero, why worry and chivey? + Mere blarney won't blind me; I'm not of that stamp; + So don't hope to hypnotise _me_, good CAPRIVI. + Why, bless you, my boys, long before you were cubbed + I was charged, by your betters, with being too lazy; + But rivals have found, when outwitted or drubbed, + That a calm waiting game is not always so crazy. + In Indian jungles, American plains, + And far Eastern wilds, they have fancied me "bested," + Because, when hot rivals were hungry for gains, + I kept my eyes open, and patiently rested. + A stolid and sleepy expression _will_ steal + At times, I'm aware, o'er my leonine features; + But, when the time's ripe, my opponents may feel + I'm _not_ the most easily humbugged of creatures. + In North as in South, in the East as the West, + Opponents _have_ planted their paws down before me. + But where are they now, boys? _J'y suis, j'y reste!_ + Staying power is the thing; so don't bully and bore me. + + I hear you, my STANLEY, I hear you and mark; + To snub you for patriot zeal were ungracious; + But--well, after all, on your Continent Dark + My footprints are plain, and my realm's pretty spacious. + I don't mean to say that a purblind content + My power should palsy, my policy dominate, + And Congos and Khartoums that pay cent. per cent. + Are tempting, but arrogant haste I abominate. + My "prancing proconsuls" not _always_ are right, + Whose first and last word for old Leo is "collar!" + I'm not going to flare up like fury and fight + Every time someone else wins an acre or dollar. + But if you imagine I'm out of the hunt + Every time I take breath, you are vastly mistaken: + I know you're a brick, and like language that's blunt; + Well, Lions sleep lightly, and readily waken! + + For you, friend CAPRIVI, your manners are nice, + Your style of caressing is verily charming; + How soothingly sweet is your placid advice, + Your mild deprecation is almost disarming; + Almost, but not quite, for 'tis true Teuton law + That unfailing defence is the root of the matter; + And Leo is fully aware tooth and claw + Must not be _talked off_ e'en by friendlies who flatter. + + Your prod, my good STANLEY, CAPRIVI, your pat, + Are politic both; I've an eye upon each of you. + The lids may look lazy, but don't trust to that; + I watch, and I wait, and I weigh the 'cute speech of you. + I do not mind learning from both of your books, + But though you may think Leo given to slumber, + He may not be quite such a slug as he looks, + As rivals have found, dear boys, times out of number! + + * * * * * + +AMONGST Cambridge cricketers Mr. GOSLING and Mr. HENFREY may be trusted +to avoid duck's eggs. Mr. ROWELL prefers to bat well; and Mr. LEESE +wishes he had a freehold when he is at the wickets. With WOODS, a HILL, +a (STREAT)FIELD, a (BERES)FORD and a (COTTE)RILL, there's plenty of +variety about FENNER'S ground at present. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS!" + +H. M. STANLEY. "NOW THEN, STOOPID! KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!!"] + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer._) + +No. XII.--THE POOR LADY BOUNTIFUL. + +[Illustration] + +POVERTY is commonly supposed to be a bar to all generosity and enjoyment +of life. Perhaps this may be true of a certain class. But there is a +kind of genteel and not unfashionable poverty with regard to which it is +mainly false. A poor lady, for instance, who is afflicted with an +overmastering charitable impulse, and is blessed with energy, will use +this bar of poverty as a lever with which to move the bounty of her +friends, in order that she herself may appear bountiful, and, as a rule, +her efforts in this direction will be crowned with a success that would +be phenomenal, if it were not so common. The history of her earlier +years is easily written. Whilst still a child, she begins a collecting +career, by being entrusted, on behalf of a church building fund, with a +card divided into "bricks," each brick being valued at the price of +half-a-crown. Her triumphs in inducing her relations and their friends +to become purchasers of these minute and valueless squares of cardboard +are great, and the consideration she acquires on all hands as a +precocious charitable agent is very acceptable even to her childish +mind. + +Her profession having thus been determined, she devotes herself with an +unflagging ardour to the task of diminishing the available assets of +those with whom she may be brought in contact. Her parents, who are not +overburdened with riches, look on at first with amusement, and +afterwards with the dismay which any excess of zeal always arouses in +the British breast. Their protests, however, fall upon deaf ears, and +they adopt an attitude of severe neutrality, in the hope that years and +a husband may bring wisdom to their daughter. + +This does not save them from being made involuntary sharers in her +charitable iniquities. Her father wakes one morning to find himself +famous to the amount of one pound ten, contributed under the name of "A +Cruel Parent," to the Amalgamated Society for the Reform of Rag-pickers, +and his wife at the same time is made indignant by the discovery that +she figures for twelve-and-sixpence, as "A Mother who ought to be +Proud," in the balance-sheet of the United Charwomen's Home Reading +Association. Further inquiry reveals the fact that the former sum +resulted from the sale by the daughter to an advertising Old Clothes' +Merchant of two of her father's suits, which, although they had seen +service, he had not yet resolved to discard; and the result is the +dismissal of the family butler, who had connived in the transaction. The +twelve-and-sixpence had been formed gradually by the accumulation of +stray coppers and postage-stamps, which her mother was accustomed to +leave about on her writing-table, without the least intention that they +should be devoted to charity. The parents expostulate in vain. The +consciousness that she has diverted to objects, which she believes to be +admirable, money that might have been unworthily spent, steels the heart +of their daughter against their remonstrances, nor can she be induced to +believe that, in thus taking upon herself to interpret or to correct the +intentions of her parents, she has done wrong. + +Matters, however, are thus brought to a crisis. Her home becomes +unendurable to her, and she accepts the offer of marriage made by a +subordinate, and not very highly paid official, in one of the +Departments of the Civil Service. Her parents pronounce their blessing, +and rejoice in an event which promises them an immunity from many +annoyances. + +The marriage duly takes place, but it is soon evident that the poor Lady +Bountiful will not allow her change of condition to make any difference +to the vigour and persistency of her charitable appeals. She continues +the old firm and the old business under a new name, and takes advantage +of her independence to enlarge immensely the field of her operations. No +bazaar can be organised without her and as a stall-holder she is +absolutely unrivalled. Missions, teas, treats, penny dinners, sea-side +excursions, the building of halls, the endowment of a bishopric, the +foundation of a flannel club, all depend upon her inexhaustible energy +in begging. Nor is she satisfied with public institutions. Private +applicants of all kinds gather about her. Destitute but undeserving +widows, orphans who have brought the grey hairs of their parents to the +grave, old soldiers and stranded foreigners batten upon her capacity for +taking advantage of her friends. For it must be well understood that the +restricted limits of her husband's means and his parsimony prevent her +from contributing anything herself to her innumerable schemes except a +lavish expenditure of pens and ink and paper with which to set forth her +appeals. Yet in this she is a true altruist. For she knows and tells +everybody how delightful and blessed it is to give, and accordingly in +the purest spirit of self-denial she permits her friends to dispense the +cash, whilst she herself is satisfied with the credit. + +Like a mighty river, she receives the offerings of innumerable tributary +streams, which lose their identity in hers, and are swept away under her +name, to be finally merged in the great ocean of charitable effort. Who +does not know, that it was mainly owing to her indefatigable efforts, +that the new wing was added to the Disabled District Visitors' Refuge, +and who has not seen at least one of the many subscription lists to +which "per Mrs. So-and-So" invariably contributed the largest amount? Is +it not also on record that at the reception which followed the public +opening of this wing, when the collecting ladies advanced to deposit +their collections at the feet of presiding Royalty, it was the Poor Lady +Bountiful who brought the largest, the most beautifully embroidered and +the fullest purse? It was felt on all hands, that "the dear Princess" +had only done what an English Princess might properly be expected to do, +when she afterwards, under the inspiration of the cunning Vicar, +showered a few words of golden public praise into the palpitating bosom +of the champion purse-bearer. + +And thus her time is spent. When she is not organising a refuge she is +setting on its legs a dinner fund, when she has exhausted the patience +of her friends on behalf of her particular tame widow, she can always +begin afresh with a poverty-stricken refugee, and if the delights of the +ordinary subscription-card should ever pall, she can fly for relaxation +to the seductive method of the snowball, which conceals under a cloak of +geometrical progression and accuracy, the most comprehensive uncertainty +in its results. One painful incident in her career must be chronicled. +Fired by her example, but without her knowledge, a friend of hers from +whom she is accustomed to solicit subscriptions, steps down to do battle +on her own account in the charitable arena. And thus, when next the Poor +Lady Bountiful makes an appeal in this quarter on behalf of a Siberian +Count, whom she declares to be quite a gentleman in his own country, she +is met by the declaration, that further relief is impossible, as her +friend has a Bulgarian of her own to attend to. Thus there is an end of +friendship, and both parties scatter dreadful insinuations as to the +necessity for an audit of accounts. Eventually it happens that a rich +and distant relation of her husband dies, and leaves him unexpectedly an +income of several thousands a-year. Having thus lost all her poverty, +she retires from the fitful fever of charitable life to the serene +enjoyment of a substantial income, and awaits, with a fortitude that no +collector is suffered to disturb, the approach of a non-subscribing and +peaceful old age. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_Hard Luck_, by ARTHUR Ą BECKETT, begins a trifle slow, but works up to +an exciting climax, of which the secret is so profoundly kept, up till +the very last moment, that not the most experienced in sensational plots +would discover it. Capitally managed. It is one of the Arrowsmith +Series, and a genuinely artistic shilling shocker. + +_A Black Business._ By HAWLEY SMART. Uncommonly smart of him bringing it +out just at this time, when the talk everywhere is about the Slave +Trade, the struggle for Colonial life, STANLEY, and the Very Darkest +Africa. There's Black Business enough about. Smart chap HAWLEY. + +The only thing I've to say against the _Remarks of Bill Nye_, in one +volume, says the Baron, is the size of the book, which is as big as a +family Bible. Nowadays, when busy men can only snatch a few seconds _en +route_, the handy volume is the only really practicable form of +literature. I'd rather have three small pocketable volumes of BILL NYE'S +essays and stories than this one cumbersome work, which, once on the +shelf, runs a pretty good chance of being left there. The majority of +BILL NYE'S sayings are very amusing, and one of his short papers shows +that the humorist can be pathetic on occasion without falling into mock +sentiment. It is published by NEELY, of New York, and, if reduced in +bulk, the _Remarks of Bill Nye_ ought to do very well here, even among +those who, for want of familiarity with American slang, do not keenly +appreciate American humour. The Baron does appreciate it when it is +genuine American humour, but when the peculiar style is only copied by a +journalistic 'ARRY, with whom the stupidest and most vulgar Yankeeisms +pass for the highest wit, simply because they are Yankeeisms, then for +this sort of imitation the Baron has no criticism sufficiently severe. + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.--ROYAL ACADEMY. + +[Illustration: No. 551. Two Tales of a Tiger. Advertisement for new +Romance by Rider Laggard and Andrew Hang.] + +[Illustration: No. 216. "Walk up! Walk up! Just a goin' to begin'!" + +[Probably from a contemporary wood engraving of Whitehall, 1649, which +settles the question as to whether there was a "block" or not.]] + +[Illustration: "HANSOM!" + +No. 1,962 hailing the Cab of the Desert (No. 1,958).] + +[Illustration: No. 24. "You naughty boy! You've been making a snowball, +and then tumbled down and hurt yourself!"] + +[Illustration: No. 779. The Timid Hare and the Terrible Tortoise.] + + * * * * * + +OUT AND ABOUT. + +SIR,--I have been about, according to your instructions, and I have come +back with a mixed notion that somewhere in the dawn of history the Queen +of SHEBA, scantily dressed, and attended by her black Chamberlain, drove +out on a four-horse parcel-post van to see an exhibition of paintings on +china at Messrs. HOWELL AND JAMES'S. It is perfectly true that in the +course of my wanderings I had some champagne, but _not a drop of +chicken_. Consequently, I have brought my critical faculty home with me +entirely unimpaired. But to business. + +Mr. E. J. POYNTER has painted a noble picture of the meeting of SOLOMON +and the Queen of SHEBA, and Mr. T. MCLEAN exhibits it at 7, Haymarket. I +once saw a picture of this Queen on an ancient corner-cupboard; that was +in early childhood, and the Queen of those days was a very Dutch Lady. +Mr. POYNTER'S is quite unlike that one; in fact, she is extremely +beautiful. But why is she overcome? SOLOMON might have been pardoned for +blushing when he saw her, but he takes it quite as a matter of course. +The black Chamberlain is evidently not a lord, otherwise he would have +been more careful about his Queen's dress. There are harps, peacocks, +golden lions, luscious fruits, monkeys, marble steps, and gorgeous +pillars, to complete the picture. Curiously enough, the other ladies do +not seem to care for the newly-arrived Queen. Bravo, POYNTER! A great +picture! + +After this I hurried to the painted China Exhibition at HOWELL AND +JAMES'S; very delicate, very graceful, and very refined. "_A Wild +Corner_" by G. LEONCE, "_Blue Tits_" by Miss SALISBURY--sure to make her +Mark(is),--two landscapes by A. FISHER (who needs no rod) struck me +particularly, but did not hurt me much. And so to the wilds of Finsbury +(14, Castle Street) where Messrs. McNAMARA were exhibiting the Postal +Vehicles to be used at the Penny Postage Jubilee Celebration. I've +already ordered two four-horse parcel vans, three two-horse, and two +one-horse mail-carts for my private use, _and have told Messrs. M. to +put them down to you, Sir_. I couldn't resist it. They said it would be +all right. Please make it so. I am told, that no _females_ are employed +in these vehicles. Another injustice. I should like to ride in a lovely +red carriage for ever. Yours, + + LE PETIT SHOWS. + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +THERE has been lately some racing at Kempton and various other places, +as to which, I ought perhaps to say a few words. Not that I acknowledge +a right in anyone to dictate to me how and when I shall notice matters +connected with the turf. The Bedlamites who mouth and gibber about +horses and their owners, as if they were in the constant habit of living +on terms of familiar intimacy with the aristocracy, instead of being, as +they probably are, the dumpling-headed parasites of touts and +stable-boys, are entitled only to the contempt of every decent man who +knows anything about what he professes to understand. At any rate, they +have mine. My knowledge of the Kempton Course dates back at least fifty +years. To be sure, it was not at that time a racecourse, but was mostly +ploughed fields and thickets. But if the anserous and asinine +mooncalves, whose high priest is Mr. JEREMY, suppose that that fact in +any way weakens the authority with which I may claim to speak on the +subject, I can only assure them, that they prove themselves fit inmates +for the various asylums from which they ought never to have been +withdrawn. I never thought much of _Philomel_. Ten years ago, I +observed, with regard to this animal, "_Philomel_ must be watched. There +is no knowing what a course of podophyllin and ginger might not do. +Failing that, I should feel inclined to say, buncombe." Mr. J. says, +this was a different mare. What of that? In turf matters the name is +everything, and I am therefore justified in citing this as one of the +most extraordinary instances of prescience known to the turf world. + +_Megatherium_, I notice, has many admirers. As a horizontal bar, or +possibly as a clothes-line, he might have merits, but as a horse, I must +confess, he has little to recommend him. When _Loblolly Boy_ cantered +home for the East End Weight-for-age Welter Handicap, I said that the +son of _Rattlesnake_ could make mince-meat of all his rivals. Since then +he has made for his owner £5,000,000 in added money, at an initial +expense of twopence halfpenny for saveloys and onions, a combination of +which this splendid animal is particularly fond. _Loblolly Boy_ was by +_Rowdy_ out of _Hoyden_, and his pedigree mounts up to _Sallycomeup_, +_Kissmequick_, and _Curate on Toast_, whilst in the collateral line he +can claim kinship with _Artaxerxes_ and _Devil's Dustpan_. In the +Margate Open Sweepstakes, he ran second to _Daddy_, when the sea was as +smooth as an old halfcrown. If there had been wind enough to blow out a +wooden match, he must have won in a common hand-gallop. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. + +_Maud (on crossing the boundary between Hertfordshire and the +neighbouring county, in which the Muzzling Order does not prevail)._ +"THAT'S RIGHT! OFF WITH HIS MUZZLE! SO MUCH FOR _BUCKINGHAM!_"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 12._--"If a shutter be closed in the +daytime," said OLD MORALITY, a little abruptly, as we walked down to +House to-day, "the stream of light piercing through the crevice seems to +be in constant agitation. Why is this?" + +Hadn't slightest idea. Suggested Right Hon. Gentleman had better give +notice of question. + +[Illustration: "Can't a-bear verbosity."] + +"I can tell you why," he proceeded, with unwonted perturbation. "Because +little motes and particles of dust, thrown into agitation by the +convective currents of the air, are made visible by the strong beam of +light thrown into the room through the crevice of the shutter. That's +just the way with us, dear TOBY; _a_ is the hatred of Government by the +Opposition, the strong desire to take our places; _b_ is the convective +currents of air which agitate the political atmosphere; _c_ is the +Compensation Bill, the strong beam of light which, thrown into House +through crevice opened by JOKIM, makes the whole thing clear. Don't know +whether _I_ am; but if you reflect on the situation, you'll find there +is much in what I say. We were going along moderately well. Irish Land +Bill, of course, a rock ahead; everyone takes that into account. +Suddenly JOKIM, spoiling for a fight, goes and invents this Compensation +Bill, quietly hands it over to RITCHIE to work through, and all the +greasy compound is in the devouring element. Seems a pity we could not +leave the tolerably satisfactory undisturbed. Now we're in for it. +Meetings out-of-doors; opposition in-doors; prospect of getting on with +ordinary work of Session receding into distance." + +Good deal of truth in what OLD MORALITY says. House crowded to-night; +full of seething excitement. RITCHIE moved Second Reading of +Compensation Bill; CAINE moved Amendment, eliminating principle of +compensation. Capital speech; would have been better if it had been half +an hour shorter. Between them, RITCHIE and CAINE occupied nearly three +hours of sitting, leaving five hours for the remaining 668 Members. + +"This is not debate," protested SHAW-LEFEVRE, sternly! "it is preaching; +why cannot a man be concise? Concision, if I may coin a word, is the +soul of argument. My old friend DIZZY used to say to me, 'SHAW, what I +admire about LEFEVRE is his terseness. If you want a man to say in +twenty minutes everything that, from his point of view, is to be spoken +on a given subject, SHAW-LEFEVRE is the man.' That was, perhaps, a too +flattering view to take; but there's something in it, and it makes me, +perhaps naturally, impatient of a man who wanders round his subject for +an hour and a half." + +_Business done._--Debate on Compensation opened. + +_Tuesday._--"Heard something about good man struggling with adversity," +said Member for Sark, looking at RATHBONE. "Nothing to goody goody man +struggling with manuscript of his speech." + +RATHBONE certainly a melancholy spectacle. Evidently had spent his +nights and days in preparation of speech on Compensation Bill; brought +it down in large quarto notes. OLD MORALITY glanced across House with +sudden access of interest; thought it was a copy-book; Speech evidently +highly prized at rehearsals in family circle. + +"I think," said RATHBONE, complacently, "before I sit down I shall show +you that the view I take is correct." + +This remark interjected early in speech; proved rather a favourite. +Whenever RATHBONE got more than usually muddled, looked round nervously +at empty Benches, nodded confidentially to Mace, and remarked, "Before I +sit down I think I shall show you----" What it was he meant to show, no +one quite certain. ELLIOT LEES, who followed, assumed with reckless +light-heartedness of youth, that he meant to show before he sat down, +that the more public-houses licensed, the less drunkenness. + +"That," said RATHBONE, with unaccustomed flash of intelligent speech, +"was exactly the reverse of what I undertook to show the House." + +Would have gone on pretty well only for (1) the Accountant, and (2) +SINCLAIR. Whatever it was RATHBONE was going to show before he sat down, +he had fortified himself in his position by opinion of a sworn +Accountant. Conversations with this Accountant set forth at length. +RATHBONE appears to have been kept by the Accountant in state of +constant surprise. "Let's take two places in the country," he said, in +one of the more lucid passages. "Well, there are only 360 public-houses +in Leeds. Sheffield has 400 public-houses in proportion to population, +whereas Bradford hasn't 160. Well, I was so much struck with this, that +I wanted to know whether there were any reasons for it. So I applied to +the Accountant--_without telling him my object_--which really was," he +added, nodding quite briskly at the Mace, "to know whether there was +more drunkenness in Leeds or Sheffield. He said at once, that Leeds was +the most. Then I said to the Accountant 'I don't care about your +individual cases, let's take the average. Let's take Birmingham.'" + +[Illustration: "----but not clear."] + +Afterwards Blackburn and Stockport were "taken"--"As if they were goes +of gin," said the Member for Sark; RATHBONE turning over papers, which +appeared to have got upside down, recited heaps of figures. These struck +him the more he studied them. Anonymous Accountant seemed to have +brought him completely under a spell. His highly respectable appearance, +his evident earnestness, his accumulated mass of figures, his engagement +of the Accountant, the tone of his voice, his general attitude, all +conveyed impression that he was really saying something intelligible and +useful. The few Members present honestly endeavoured to follow him; +might have got a clue only for SINCLAIR. + +At end of first half-hour RATHBONE began to show signs of distress. +SINCLAIR thought he was signalling for water; prepared to go for glass; +something wrong; RATHBONE violently agitated; nodding and winking and +pointing to recess under bench before him. House now really excited. +Began to think that perhaps the Accountant was hidden down there. If he +could be only got up, might explain matters. SINCLAIR sharing general +agitation, dived under seat; reappeared attempting to secrete small +medicine bottle, apparently containing milk-punch; drew cork with +difficulty; poured out dose, handed it to RATHBONE. RATHBONE gulped it +down; smacked his lips; much refreshed; evidently good for another hour. + +"I said to the Accountant," he continued, "if the Magistrates of +Sheffield had indiced these lorcences--I mean endorsed those +licences----." + +Off again, wading with the Accountant knee-deep in figures from Leeds to +Sheffield, back to Birmingham, across to Liverpool, on to York, with +occasional sips of milk-punch. A wonderful performance that held in +breathless attention few Members present to hear it. + +"It is magnificent," said the Member for Sark; "but it isn't clear." + +_Business done._--RATHBONE'S great speech on the Licensing Question. + +_Wednesday._--Quite lively for Wednesday afternoon. At outset, +apparently nothing particular in wind. Irish Members had first three +places on Agenda, but that nothing unusual. Prospect was, that Debate on +their first Bill, appropriating Irish Church Fund to provide Dwellings +for Agricultural Labourers, would occupy whole of Sitting; be divided on +just before half-past five. To make sure, AKERS-DOUGLAS issued Whip to +Ministerialists, urging them to be in their places as early as four. + +"Never know what the Bhoys will do," he said, sagely. "Like to be on the +safe side. Division at five, so be here at four." + +The Bhoys came down in great force at one o'clock; only a score or so of +Ministerialists visible. Fox rose to move Second Reading of Bill. Good +for an hour if necessary. Long JOHN O'CONNOR, that Eiffel Tower of +patriotism, ready to Second Motion, in a discourse of ninety minutes. + +"May as well make an afternoon of it," he says, gazing round the +expectant but empty Benches opposite. + +FOX just started, when happy thought struck Irish Members. If they +divided at once, before Ministerial majority arrived, could carry Second +Reading; so Brer FOX doubled, and in ten minutes got back home. Long +JOHN folded himself up, till casual passer-by might have mistaken him +for PICTON. Conservatives, not ready for this manoeuvre, dumfounded. +Division imminent; only thing to be done was to make speeches till four +o'clock and majority arrived. Everybody available pressed into service. +CHARLES LEWIS, coming up breathless, declared that "promoters of Bill, +wished by a side-stab in the wind of the Government"--he meant by a +side-wind--"to stab the Measure on the same subject the Government had +brought forward." + +That was better; though how you stab by a side-wind not explained. +Prince ARTHUR threw himself languidly into fray. Talked up to quarter +past three; majority beginning to trickle in, T. W. RUSSELL moved +Adjournment of Debate. Defeated by 94 votes against 68. Irish Members +evidently in majority of 26. Prince ARTHUR, with eye nervously watching +door, wished that night or BLUCHER would come. Neither arriving, stepped +aside, letting Irish Members carry their Bill; which they did, amid +tumultuous cheering. + +"It's of no consequence, I assure you," Prince ARTHUR said, quoting _Mr. +Toots_ when he inadvertently sat down on _Florence Dombey's_ best +bonnet. "They may carry their Bill, but we'll take the money." + +_Business done._--Irish Members out-manoeuvre Government. + +_Friday._--Second Reading of Compensation Bill carried at early hour +this morning, after dull debate. Morning Sitting to-day for Supply. +Duller than ever. Dullest of all, JOKIM on Treasury Bench in charge of +Estimates. + +[Illustration: Sympathy.] + +"Yes, TOBY," he said, in reply to sympathetic greeting, "I _am_ a little +hipped; situation growing too heavy for me. Patriotism all very well; +public spirit desirable; self-abnegation, as OLD MORALITY says, is the +seed of virtue. But you may carry spirit of self-sacrifice too far. Read +my speech at dinner to HARTINGTON, of course? Put it in the right light, +don't you think? We Dissentient Liberals, as they call us, are the +Paschal Lambs of politics; except that, instead of being offered up as +sacrifice, we offer up ourselves. Still there are degrees. HARTINGTON +given up something; CHAMBERLAIN chucked himself away; JAMES might have +been on the Woolsack. But think of me, dear TOBY, and all I've +sacrificed. Four years ago a private Member, adrift from my Party; no +chance of reinstatement; not even sure of a seat. Now Chancellor of the +Exchequer, with £5000 a-year, and a pick of safe seats. Too much to +expect of me, TOBY; sometimes more than I can bear;" and JOKIM hid his +face in his copy of the Orders of the Day, whilst THEODORE FRY looking +on, was dissolved in tears. + +_Business done._--Supply. + + * * * * * + +COMPLAINTS are often made as to the non-appreciation of jokes by those +to whom they are addressed. A Correspondent sends us on this subject the +following interesting remarks:--"I have made on an average ten jokes a +day for the last six years. Being in possession of a large independent +income, I could have afforded to make more, but I think ten a day a +reasonable number. I find that, as a rule, the wealthy and highly-placed +have absolutely no appreciation of humour. The necessitous, however, +show a keen taste for it. The other day a gentleman, whom I had only +seen once, asked me for the loan of a sovereign. I immediately made six +jokes running, and was rewarded by six successive peals of laughter. I +then informed him I had no money with me, and left him chuckling to +himself something about an Eastern coin of small value, called, I +believe, a dam." + + * * * * * + +NARROW ESCAPE OF AN R.A.!--Everyone knows that a Critic is one, who +would, professionally, roast and cut up his own father; but that some +Critics go beyond this, may be gathered from the fact of the Art-Critic +of the _Observer_, in one of his recent reviews of the Academy, having +thus expressed himself:-- + + "Mr. POYNTER'S flesh is never quite to our liking,"---- + +Heavens! What a dainty cannibal is this Critic! But how lucky for Mr. +POYNTER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +98, May 24, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 31039-8.txt or 31039-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/0/3/31039/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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May 24, 1890. by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + td {padding-left: 1em;} + td.note {text-align: left;font-size: 0.9em; font-weight: normal; border: 1px dashed; padding: 1em;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + div.centered {text-align: center;} /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 1 */ + div.centered table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;} + /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 2 */ + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:25%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .poem1 + {margin-left:15%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem1 .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem1 p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem1 p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem1 p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem1 p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem1 p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem1 p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right; width: auto;} + .figleft {float: left; width: auto;} + + .img {margin: 0; padding-right: 0;} + .div {margin: 0; padding: 0;} + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .regards {text-align: right; + margin-right: 4em;} + + .bracket {font-size: 150%;} + + pre {font-size: 75%; } + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, +May 24, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, May 24, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Cowley Burnand + +Release Date: January 21, 2010 [EBook #31039] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOLUME 98.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2><span class="smcap">May 24, 1890,</span></h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.</h2> + +<center>No. XI.—THE RIVAL DOLLS.</center><br /> + +<center>"Miss <span class="smcap">Jenny</span> and <span class="smcap">Polly</span> Had each a new dolly."—<i>Vide Poem.</i></center><br /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/241.png"> +<img src="images/241.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div><br /><br /> + +<center>CHARACTERS.</center> + +<table summary="characters"> +<tr><td><i>Miss Jenny</i><br /> +<i>Miss Polly</i> +</td> +<td><p class="bracket">}</p></td> +<td>By the Sisters <span class="smcap">Leamar</span>.</td> +</tr> +<tr><td><i>The Soldier Doll</i><br /> +<i>The Soldier Doll</i></td> +<td><p class="bracket">}</p></td> +<td>By the Two <span class="smcap">Armstrongs</span>.</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>A Nursery. Enter</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Jenny</span> and Miss <span class="smcap">Polly</span>, <i>who perform a +blameless step-dance with an improving chorus</i>.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Oh, isn't it jolly! we've each a new dolly,</p> +<p class="i2">And one is a Soldier, the other's a Tar!</p> +<p class="i0">We're fully contented with what's been presented,</p> +<p class="i2">Such good little children we both of us are!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>They dance up to a cupboard, from which they bring out two large +Dolls, which they place on chairs.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><i>Miss J.</i> <i>Don't</i> they look nice!</p> +<p class="i0">Come, <span class="smcap">Polly</span>, let us strive</p> +<p class="i0">To make ourselves believe that they're alive!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Miss P. (addressing</i> Sailor D.). I'm glad you're mine. I dote on all +that's nautical.</p> + +<p><i>The Sailor D. (opening his eyes suddenly).</i> Excuse me, Miss, your +sister's more <i>my</i> sort o' gal!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Kisses his hand</i> to Miss J., <i>who shrinks back, shocked and alarmed</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Miss J.</i> Oh, <span class="smcap">Polly</span>, did you hear? I feel so shy!</p> + +<p><i>The Soldier D. (with mild self-assertion).</i> <i>I</i> can say "Pa" and +"Ma"—and wink my eye.</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Does so at</i> Miss P., <i>who runs in terror to</i> Miss J.'s <i>side</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Miss J.</i> Why, both are showing signs of animation!</p> + +<p><i>Miss P.</i> Who'd think we had such strong imagination!</p> + +<p><i>The Soldier Doll (aside to the</i> Sailor D.). I say, old fellow, we have +caught their fancy—<br /> +In each of us they now a real man see!<br /> +Let's keep it up!</p> + +<p><i>The Sailor D. (dubiously).</i> D'ye think as we can <i>do</i> it?</p> + +<p><i>The Soldier D.</i> You stick by me, and I will see you through it.<br /> +Sit up, and turn your toes out,—don't you loll;<br /> +Put on the Man, and drop the bloomin' Doll!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>The</i> Sailor Doll <i>pulls himself together, and rises from chair +importantly</i>.</p> + +<p><i>The Sailor D. (in the manner of a Music-hall Chairman)</i>—Ladies, with +your kind leave, this gallant gent Will now his military sketch present.</p> + +<p class="regards">[Miss J. <i>and</i> P. applaud; <i>the</i> Soldier D., <i>after feebly +expostulating, is induced to sing</i>.</p> + +<center><i>Song, by the Soldier Doll.</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">When I used to be displayed</p> +<p class="i0">In the Burlington Arcade,</p> +<p class="i0">With artillery arrayed</p> +<p class="i0">Underneath. Shoulder Hump!</p> +<p class="i0">I imagine that I made</p> +<p class="i0">All the Lady Dolls afraid,</p> +<p class="i0">I should draw my battle-blade</p> +<p class="i0">From its sheath, Shoulder Hump!</p> +<p class="i0">For I'm Mars's gallant son,</p> +<p class="i0">And my back I've shown to none,</p> +<p class="i0">Nor was ever seen to run</p> +<p class="i0">From the strife! &c.</p> +<p class="i0">Oh, the battles I'd have won,</p> +<p class="i0">And the dashing deeds have done,</p> +<p class="i0">If I'd ever fired a gun</p> +<p class="i0">In my life! &c.</p> +</div></div> + +<center><i>Refrain (to be sung marching round Stage).</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">By your right flank, wheel!</p> +<p class="i0">Let the front rank kneel!</p> +<p class="i0">With the bristle of the steel</p> +<p class="i0">To the foe.</p> +<p class="i0">Till their regiments reel,</p> +<p class="i0">At our rattling peal,</p> +<p class="i0">And the military zeal</p> +<p class="i0">We show!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Repeat, with the whole company marching round after him.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Soldier Doll.</i> My friend will next oblige—this jolly Jack Tar Will +give his song and chorus in charàck-tar!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Same business with</i> Sailor D.</p> + +<center><i>Song, by the Sailor Doll.</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">In costume I'm</p> +<p class="i0">So maritime,</p> +<p class="i0">You'd never suppose the fact is,</p> +<p class="i0">That with the Fleet</p> +<p class="i0">In Regent Street,</p> +<p class="i0">I'd precious little naval practice!</p> +<p class="i0">There was saucy craft,</p> +<p class="i0">Rigged fore an' aft,</p> +<p class="i0">Inside o' Mr. <span class="smcap">Cre-mer's</span>.</p> +<p class="i0">From Noah's Arks to Clipper-built barques,</p> +<p class="i0">Like-wise mechanical stea-mers.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">But to navigate the Serpentine,</p> +<p class="i4">Yeo ho, my lads, ahoy!</p> +<p class="i4">With clockwork, sails, or spirits of wine,</p> +<p class="i4">Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy!</p> +<p class="i4">I did respeckfully decline,</p> +<p class="i4">So I was left in port to pine,</p> +<p class="i4">Which wasn't azactually the line</p> +<p class="i4">Of a rollicking Sailor Boy,</p> +<p class="i6">Yeo-ho! Of a rollicking Sailor Bo-oy!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Yes, there was lots Of boats and yachts,</p> +<p class="i0">Of timber and of tin, too;</p> +<p class="i0">But one and all Was far too small</p> +<p class="i0">For a doll o' my size to get into!</p> +<p class="i0">I was too big On any brig</p> +<p class="i0">To ship without disas-ter,</p> +<p class="i0">And it wouldn't never do</p> +<p class="i0">When the cap'n and the crew</p> +<p class="i0">Were a set o' little swabs all plas-ter!</p> +</div></div> + +<center><i>Chorus</i>—So to navigate the Serpentine, &c.</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">An Ark is p'raps The berth for chaps</p> +<p class="i0">As is fond o' Natural Hist'ry.</p> +<p class="i0">But I sez to <span class="smcap">Shem</span></p> +<p class="i0">And the rest o' them,</p> +<p class="i0">"How you get along at all's a myst'ry!</p> +<p class="i0">With a Wild Beast Show</p> +<p class="i0">Let loose below,</p> +<p class="i0">And four fe-males on deck too!</p> +<p class="i0">I never could agree</p> +<p class="i0">With your happy fami-lee,</p> +<p class="i0">And your lubberly ways I objeck to."</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Chorus. Hornpipe by the company, after which the</i> Soldier Doll +<i>advances condescendingly to</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Jenny</span>.</p> + +<p><i>The Sold. D.</i> Invincible I'm reckoned by the Ladies.<br /> +But yield to you—though conquering my trade is!</p> + +<p><i>Miss J. (repulsing him).</i> Oh, go away, you great conceited thing, you!</p> + +<p>[The Sold. D. <i>persists in offering her attentions</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Miss P. (watching them bitterly).</i> To be deserted by one's doll does +sting you!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>The</i> Sailor D. <i>approaches</i>.</p> + +<p><i>The Sailor D. (to</i> Miss P.) Let me console you, Miss, a Sailor Doll<br /> +As swears his 'art was ever true to <span class="smcap">Poll</span>!</p> + +<center>(<i>N.B.—Good opportunity for Song here.</i>)</center> + +<p><i>Miss P. (indignantly to</i> Miss J.) Your Sailor's teasing me to be his idol! +Do make him stop—<i>spitefully</i>—When you've <i>quite</i> done with my doll!</p> +<p><i>Miss J. (scornfully).</i> If you suppose <i>I</i> want your wretched warrior, +I'm sorry <i>for</i> you!</p> + +<p><i>Miss P.</i> I for you am sorrier.</p> + +<p><i>Miss J. (weeping</i>, <span class="smcap">R.</span>). <span class="smcap">Polly</span> preferred to me—what ignominy!</p> + +<p><i>Miss P. (weeping,</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>). My horrid Sailor jilting me for <span class="smcap">Jenny</span>!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>The two Dolls face one another</i>, <span class="smcap">c.</span></p> + +<p><i>Sailor D. (to</i> Soldier D.). You've made her sluice her skylights now, you swab!</p> + +<p><i>Soldier D. (to</i> Sailor D.). As you have broke her heart, I'll break your nob!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Hits him.</i></p> + +<p><i>Sailor D. (in a pale fury).</i> This insult must be blotted out in bran!</p> + +<p><i>Soldier D. (fiercely).</i> Come on, I'll shed your sawdust—if I can!</p> + +<p class="regards">[Miss J. <i>and</i> P. <i>throw themselves between the combatants</i>.</p> + +<p ><i>Miss J.</i> For any mess you make we shall be scolded,<br /> +So wait until a drugget we've unfolded!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>They lay down drugget on Stage.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Soldier D. (politely).</i> No hurry, Miss, <i>we</i> don't object to waiting.</p> + +<p><i>The Sailor D. (aside).</i> His valour—like my own—'s evaporating!</p> + +<p>(<i>Defiantly to</i> Soldier D.). On guard! You'll see how soon I'll run you through!</p> + +<p>(<i>Confidentially</i>). (If you will not prod <i>me</i>, I won't pink <i>you</i>.)</p> + +<p><i>The Soldier D.</i> Through your false kid my deadly blade I'll pass!</p> + +<p>(<i>Confidentially</i>). (Look here, old fellow, don't you be a <i>hass</i>!)</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>They exchange passes at a considerable distance.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Sailor D. (aside).</i> Don't lose your temper now!</p> + +<p><i>Sold. D.</i> Don't get excited.<br /> +Do keep a little farther off!</p> + +<p><i>Sail. D.</i> Delighted!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Wounds</i> Soldier D. <i>by misadventure</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Sold. D. (annoyed).</i> There now, you've gone and made upon my wax a dent!</p> + +<p><i>Sail. D.</i> Excuse me, it was really quite an accident.</p> + +<p><i>Sold. D. (savagely).</i> Such clumsiness would irritate a saint!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Stabs</i> Sailor Doll.</p> + +<p><i>Miss J. and P. (imploringly).</i> Oh, stop! the sight of sawdust turns us faint!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>They drop into chairs, swooning.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Sailor D.</i> I'll pay you out for that!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Stabs</i> Soldier D.</p> + +<p><i>Sold. D.</i> Right through you've poked me!</p> + +<p><i>Sailor D.</i> So you have <i>me</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Sold. D.</i> You shouldn't have provoked me!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>They fall transfixed.</i></p> + +<p><i>Sailor D. (faintly).</i> Alas, we have been led away by vanity.<br /> +Dolls shouldn't try to imitate humanity!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Dies.</i></p> + +<p><i>Soldier D.</i> For, if they do, they'll end like us, unpitied,<br /> +Each on the other's sword absurdly spitted!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Dies.</i> Miss J. <i>and</i> P. <i>revive, and bend sadly over the corpses</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Miss Jenny.</i> From their untimely end we draw this moral,<br /> +How wrong it is, even for dolls, to quarrel!</p> + +<p><i>Miss Polly.</i> Yes, <span class="smcap">Jenny</span>, in the fate of these poor fellows see<br /> +What sad results may spring from female jealousy!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>They embrace penitently as Curtain falls.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> + +<h2>THE ROSE-WATER CURE.</h2> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/242.png"> +<img src="images/242.png" width="100%" alt="THE ROSE-WATER CURE" /></a> + +</div> + +<blockquote><p>[The Report of the Sweating Committee says that "the inefficiency of +many of the lower class of workers, early marriages, and the +tendency of the residuum of the population in large towns to form a +helpless community, together with a low standard of life and the +excessive supply of unskilled labour are the chief factors in +producing sweating." The Committee's chief "recommendations" in +respect of the evils of Sweating seem to be, the lime-washing of +work-places and the multiplication of sanitary inspectors.]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Seventy-one</span> Sittings, a many months' run,</p> +<p class="i0">Witnesses Two Hundred, Ninety and One:</p> +<p class="i0">Clergymen, guardians, factors, physicians,</p> +<p class="i0">Middlemen, labourers, smart statisticians,</p> +<p class="i0">Journalists, managers, Gentiles and Jews,</p> +<p class="i0">And this is the issue! A thing to amuse</p> +<p class="i0">A cynic, the chat of this precious Committee,</p> +<p class="i0">But moving kind hearts to despair blent with pity.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Cantuar.</span>, <span class="smcap">Derby</span>, and mild <span class="smcap">Aberdeen</span>,</p> +<p class="i0">Such anti-climax sure never was seen!</p> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Onslow</span> and <span class="smcap">Rothschild</span> and <span class="smcap">Monkswell</span> and <span class="smcap">Thring</span>,</p> +<p class="i0">Are you content with the pitiful thing?</p> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Dunraven</span> out of it; lucky, my lad!</p> +<p class="i0">(Though your retirement seemed caused by a fad)</p> +<p class="i0">Was the Inquiry in earnest or sport?</p> +<p class="i0">What is the pith of this precious Report?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Sweating—which all the world joined to abuse—</p> +<p class="i0">Is not the fault of poor Russians or Jews;</p> +<p class="i0">'Tisn't the middleman more than the factor,</p> +<p class="i0">'Tisn't, no 'tisn't, the sub-contractor;</p> +<p class="i0">'Tisn't machinery. No! In fact,</p> +<p class="i0">What Sweating <i>is</i>, in a manner exact,</p> +<p class="i0">After much thinking we cannot define.</p> +<p class="i0">Who <i>is</i> to blame for it? Well, we incline<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span></p> +<p class="i0">To think that the Sweated (improvident elves!)</p> +<p class="i0">Are, at the bottom, <i>to blame themselves</i>!</p> +<p class="i0">They're poor of spirit, and weak of will,</p> +<p class="i0">They marry early, have little skill;</p> +<p class="i0">They herd together, all sexes and ages,</p> +<p class="i0">And take too tamely starvation wages;</p> +<p class="i0">And if they <i>will</i> do so, much to their shame,</p> +<p class="i0">How can the Capitalist be to blame?</p> +<p class="i0">Remedies? Humph! We really regret</p> +<p class="i0">We don't see our way to them. People <i>must</i> sweat,</p> +<p class="i0"><i>Must</i> stitch and starve till they almost drop;</p> +<p class="i0">But <i>let it be done in a lime-washed shop</i>!</p> +<p class="i0">To drudge in these dens is their destined fate,</p> +<p class="i0">But keep the dens in a decent state.</p> +<p class="i0">More inspectors, fewer bad smells,</p> +<p class="i0">These be our cures for the Sweaters' Hells!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Revolutions with rose-water cannot be made!</p> +<p class="i0">So it was said. But the horrors of Trade,</p> +<p class="i0">Competition's accursed fruit,</p> +<p class="i0">The woman a drudge, and the man a brute,</p> +<p class="i0">These, our Committee of Lordlings are sure,</p> +<p class="i0">Can only be met by the Rose-water Cure!</p> +<p class="i0">The Sweating Demon to exorcise</p> +<p class="i0">Exceeds the skill of the wealthy wise.</p> +<p class="i0">Still he must "grind the face of the poor."</p> +<p class="i0">(Though some of us have a faint hope, to be sure,</p> +<p class="i0">That the highly respectable Capitalist</p> +<p class="i0">To the Lords' mild lispings will kindly list.)</p> +<p class="i0">No; the Demon must work his will</p> +<p class="i0">On his ill-paid suffering victims still;</p> +<p class="i0">But—he'd better look with a little <i>less</i> dirt,</p> +<p class="i0">So sprinkle the brute with our Rose-water Squirt!!!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/243a.png"> +<img src="images/243a.png" width="100%" alt="HARDLY LIKELY" /></a> +<h4>HARDLY LIKELY.</h4> +<p>(<i>An Incident in a "Point to Point" Race.</i>)</p> +<p><i>Fallen Competitor (to his Bosom Friend, who now has the Race in hand).</i> +"<span class="smcap">Hi, George, old Man! Just catch my Horse, there's a good Chap!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /><br /> + +<p><span class="smcap">An Entertainment of a Good Stamp.</span>—The Penny Postage Jubilee Exhibition +at the Guildhall.</p><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SONG SENTIMENTIANA.</h2> + +<center>(<i>A delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable +Composer.</i>)</center> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Example IV.</span>—Treating of a passion which, in the well-meant process +of making the best of it, unconsciously saddles its object with the +somewhat harassing responsibility of competing with the Universal +Provider.</p></blockquote> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/243b.png"> +<img src="images/243b.png" width="100%" alt="Cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Thou</span> art all the world to me, love,</p> +<p class="i2">Thou art everything in one,</p> +<p class="i0">From my early cup of tea, love,</p> +<p class="i2">To my kidney underdone;</p> +<p class="i0">From my canter in the Row, love,</p> +<p class="i2">To my invitation lunch—</p> +<p class="i0">From my quiet country blow, love,</p> +<p class="i2">To my festive London <i>Punch</i>.</p> +</div></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Thou art all in all to me, love,—</p> +<p class="i2">Thou art bread and meat and drink;</p> +<p class="i0">Thou art air and land and sea, love,—</p> +<p class="i2">Thou art paper, pens, and ink.</p> +<p class="i0">Thou art all of which I'm fond, love:</p> +<p class="i2">Thou art Whitstables from <span class="smcap">Rule's</span>,—</p> +<p class="i0">"Little drops" with <span class="smcap">Spiers and Pond</span>, love,—</p> +<p class="i2">Measures sweet at Mr. <span class="smcap">Poole's</span>.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Thou art everything I lack, love,</p> +<p class="i2">From a month at Brighton gay</p> +<p class="i0">(Bar the journey there and back, love)</p> +<p class="i2">To the joys of Derby Day—</p> +<p class="i0">From the start from my abode, love,</p> +<p class="i2">With a team of frisky browns,</p> +<p class="i0">To the driving "on the road," love,</p> +<p class="i2">And the dry <i>vin</i> on the Downs!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Thou art all the world to me, love,—</p> +<p class="i2">Thou art all the thing contains;</p> +<p class="i0">Thou art honey from the bee, love,—</p> +<p class="i2">Thou art sugar from the canes.</p> +<p class="i0">Thou art—— stay! I've made a miss, love;</p> +<p class="i2">I'm forgetting, on my life!</p> +<p class="i0">Thou art all—excepting <i>this</i>, love,—</p> +<p class="i2">Your devoted servant's wife!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>CHARLES THE FIRST.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir,</span>—Did <span class="smcap">Charles the First</span> walk <i>and</i> talk half an hour after his head +was cut off, or not?</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A Verifier of Facts</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir,</span>—<span class="smcap">Charles the First</span> walked and talked <i>one quarter of an hour</i>, not +half, as is erroneously supposed, after his decollation. We know this by +two Dutch pictures which I had in my possession until only the other +day, when I couldn't find them anywhere.</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Historian</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir,</span>—King <span class="smcap">Charles the First</span> lost his head long before he came to the +scaffold. I have the block now by me. From it the well-known wood-cut +was taken.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Consule Plauco.</span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir,</span>—It is a very curious thing, but all the trouble was taken out of +<span class="smcap">Charles's</span> head and put into mine years ago by one of the greatest +<span class="smcap">Charleses</span> that ever lived, whose name was <span class="smcap">Dickens</span>; and mine, without the +"<span class="smcap">ENS</span>," is</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours truly,</p> + +<p class="author">"Mr. <span class="smcap">Dick</span>."</p> + +<p>P.S.—"'Mr. <span class="smcap">Dick</span> sets us all right,' said My Aunt, quietly."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> + +<h2>A CHAPTER OF DICKENS UP TO DATE.</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/244a.png"> +<img src="images/244a.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<center>(<i>In which Mrs. Harris, assisted by a Carpet, is the cause of a division +between Friends.</i>)</center> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Gamp's</span> apartment wore, metaphorically speaking, a Bab-Balladish +aspect, being considerably topsy-turvey, as rooms have a habit of being +after any unusual ebullition of temper on the part of their occupants. +It was certainly not swept and garnished, although its owner was +preparing for the reception of a visitor. That visitor was <span class="smcap">Betsey Prig</span>.</p> + +<p>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gamp's</span> chimney-piece was ornamented with three photographs: one of +herself, looking somewhat severe; one of her friend and bosom companion, +Mrs. <span class="smcap">Prig</span>, of far more amiable aspect; and one of a mysterious personage +supposed to be Mrs. <span class="smcap">Harris</span>.</p> + +<p>"There! Now, drat you, <span class="smcap">Betsey</span>, don't be long!" said Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gamp</span>, +apostrophising her absent friend. "For I'm in no mood for waiting, I do +assure you. I'm easy pleased, but I must have my own way (as is always +the best and wisest), and have it directly minit, when the fancy strikes +me, else we shall part, and that not friendly, as I could wish, but +bearin' malice in our 'arts."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Betsey</span>," said Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gamp</span>, "I will now propoge a toast. My frequent +pardner, <span class="smcap">Betsey Prig</span>!"</p> + +<p>"Which, altering the name to <span class="smcap">Sairah Gamp</span>, I drink," said Mrs. <span class="smcap">Prig</span>, +"with love and tenderness!"</p> + +<p>"Now, <span class="smcap">Sairah</span>," said Mrs. <span class="smcap">Prig</span>, "jining business with pleasure, as so +often we've done afore, wot is this bothersome affair about which you +wants to consult me? <i>Are</i> you a-goin' to call me over the Carpet once +more, <span class="smcap">Sairey</span>?"</p> + +<p>"Drat the Carpet!" exclaimed Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gamp</span>, with a vehement explosiveness +whose utter unexpectedness quite disconcerted her friend.</p> + +<p>"<i>Is</i> it Mrs. <span class="smcap">Harris</span>?" inquired Mrs. <span class="smcap">Prig</span>, solemnly.</p> + +<p>"Yes, <span class="smcap">Betsy Prig</span>, it <i>is</i>," snapped Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gamp</span>, angrily, "that very +person herself, and no other, which, after twenty years of trust, I +never know'd nor never expected to, which it 'urts a feeling 'art even +to name her name as henceforth shall be nameless betwixt us twain."</p> + +<p>"Oh, shall it?" retorted Mrs. <span class="smcap">Prig</span>, shortly. "Why bless the woman, if +<i>I</i>'d said that, you'd ha' bitten the nose off my face, as is your +nature to, as the poick says."</p> + +<p>"Don't you say nothink against poicks, <span class="smcap">Betsey</span>, and I'll say nothink +against musicians," retorted Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gamp</span>, mysteriously.</p> + +<p>"Oh! then it <i>was</i> to call me over the Carpet that you sent for me so +sudden and peremptory?" rejoined Mrs. <span class="smcap">Prig</span>, with a smile.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Drat the Carpet!!!</span>" again ejaculated Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gamp</span>, with astonishing +fierceness. "Wot do <i>you</i> know about the Carpet, <span class="smcap">Betsey</span>?"</p> + +<p>"Why nothink at all, my dear; nor don't want to," replied Mrs. <span class="smcap">Prig</span>, +with surprise.</p> + +<p>"Oh!" retorted Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gamp</span>, "you don't, don't you? Well, then, I <i>do</i>, and +it's time you did likewise, if pardners we are to remain who 'ave +pardners been so long."</p> + +<p>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Prig</span> muttered something not quite audible, but which sounded +suspiciously like, "'Ard wuck!"</p> + +<p>"Which share and share alike is my mortar," continued Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gamp</span>; "that +as bin my princerple, and I've found it pay. But Injin Carpets for our +mutual 'ome, of goldiun lustre and superfluos shine, as tho' we wos +Arabian Knights, I cannot and I will not stand. It is the last stror as +camels could not forgive. No, <span class="smcap">Betsey</span>," added Mr. <span class="smcap">Gamp</span>, in a violent +burst of feeling, "nor crokydiles forget!"</p> + +<p>"Bother your camels, and your crokydiles too!" retorted Mrs. <span class="smcap">Prig</span>, with +indifference. "Wy, <span class="smcap">Sairey</span>, wot a tempest in a teapot, to be sure!"</p> + +<p>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gamp</span> looked at her with amazement, incredulity, and indignation. +"Wot!" she with difficulty ejaculated. "A—tempest—in—a—Teapot!! And +does <span class="smcap">Betsey Prig</span>, my pardner for so many years, call her friend a +Teapot, and decline to take up <span class="smcap">Sairey's</span> righteous quarrel with a Mrs. +<span class="smcap">Harris</span>?"</p> + +<p>Then Mrs. <span class="smcap">Prig</span>, smiling more scornfully, and folding her arms still +tighter, uttered these memorable and tremendous words,—</p> + +<p>"Wy, certainly she does, <span class="smcap">Sairey Gamp</span>; <i>most</i> certainly she does. Wich I +don't believe there's either rhyme or reason in sech an absurd quarrel!" +After the utterance of which expressions she leaned forward, and snapped +her fingers, and then rose to put on her bonnet, as one who felt that +there was now a gulf between them which nothing could ever bridge +across.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE PATIENT AT PLAY.</h2> + +<p><i>Adviser.</i> Have you ever been present at a performance of <i>The Dead +Heart</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Patient.</i> No; and I know nothing of a <i>Tale of Two Cities</i>.</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Then surely you are well acquainted with <i>All for Her</i>?</p> + +<p><i>P.</i> I regret to reply in the negative.</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Perhaps, you have seen the vision in <i>The Bells</i>, or the <i>Corsican +Brothers</i>?</p> + +<p><i>P.</i> Alas! I am forced to confess I am familiar with neither!</p> + +<p><i>A.</i> Dear me! This is very sad! Strange! I will give you a prescription. +Go to <i>Paul Kauvar</i>. You will then be provided with a thoroughly +enjoyable mixture.</p> + +<p>[<i>Exit Patient to Drury Lane, where he passes a delightful evening.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>NELLIE AT THE SODGERIES.</h2> + +<center>(<i>Another Legend of the Royal Military Exhibition.</i>)</center> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Lady once more left her frame in the Club Morning Room.</p> + +<p>"So I was wrong," she murmured, as she wended her way towards the now +familiar spot. "Poor <span class="smcap">Nellie</span>, after all, was <i>not</i> forgotten. I am glad +of it,—very glad indeed!"</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/244b.png"> +<img src="images/244b.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>And the flesh tints of Sir <span class="smcap">Peter Lely's</span> paint-brush brightened, as a +smile played across the canvas features.</p> + +<p>"I' faith! the Military gentlemen are gallants, one and all! To be sure! +Then how would it be possible that the foundress of a hospital should be +overlooked? And one as comely as myself!"</p> + +<p>So, well pleased, she journeyed on. As she reached the river, there was +quite a crowd,—people were coming by rail, and boat, and omnibus. It +was quite like the olden days of the Exhibitions at South Kensington. +She passed through the turnstiles, and then found the cause of the +excitement. There were all sorts of good things. A gallery full of +pictures, and relics of battles ancient and modern, a museum of +industrial work, a collection of everything interesting to a soldier. In +the grounds were balloons, and fireworks, assaults at arms, and the best +military bands. At length the Lady from the frame in the Club Morning +Room stood before a portrait showing a good-natured face and a comely +presence.</p> + +<p>"And so there I am! And in my hands a model of the Hospital hard-by! +'Gad zooks!' as poor dear <span class="smcap">Rowley</span> used to say, I have no cause for +complaint! I thank those kind hearts who can find good in +everything,—even in poor <span class="smcap">Nellie</span>!"</p> + +<p>And, thoroughly satisfied at the treatment she had received at the +Sodgeries, Mistress <span class="smcap">Nell Gwynne</span> returned to her haunt in the Club +Morning Room.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Glee Quartette.</span>—Welcome to the Meister Glee Singers. Mr. <span class="smcap">Saxon</span>, in +spite of his name, is by no means brutal, though he might be pardoned +for being so when he sees his colleague Mr. <span class="smcap">Saxton</span> suiting everybody to +a T. Mr. <span class="smcap">Hast</span> has just as much speed as is necessary, and the fourth +gentleman should be neither angry <span class="smcap">Norcross</span>, since he always sings in +tune. 'Tis a mad world, my Meisters, but, mad or not, we shall always be +glad to hear your glees.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">At the Dentist's.</span>—"<i>It won't hurt you in the least, and it will be out +before you know where you are</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "You will suffer in the one +minute and thirty-nine seconds I am tugging at your jaw, all the +concentrated agony of forty-eight continuous hours of wrenching your +crushed and tortured body off your staring and staggered head."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span> + +<h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Great Day everywhere. <i>Mr. Punch</i> appears. Crowds in Fleet +Street. The Numbers up in the Office Window. Receptions, alarums, (eight +day) excursions (there and back) to meet H.M. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. Curfew at dusk. +No followers allowed.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Crowds out to meet <span class="smcap">H. M. Stanley</span>. Mrs. <span class="smcap">Nemo's</span> sixth and +last dance to meet Mr. <span class="smcap">H. M. Stanley</span>, as he hasn't been to any of the +others.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Lecture by Mr. <span class="smcap">Charles Wyndham</span> on "the block system," in the +time of <span class="smcap">Charles the First</span>. Admission by entrances only.</p> + +<p><i>Saturday.</i>—Centenary Celebration of a lot of things. Review of the +events of the past month in Hyde Park, by the Editor of the <i>Nineteenth +Century</i>, to meet Mr. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. Ceremony of conferring the Order of the +Adelphi on <span class="smcap">H. M. Stanley</span>, by Messrs. <span class="smcap">Gatti</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Sunday.</i>—Short services from Dover to Calais. No sermon. Collection in +Hyde Park. <span class="smcap">H. M. Stanley</span> goes to meet somebody else for a change.</p> + +<p><i>Monday.</i>—Expedition to find <span class="smcap">H. M. Stanley</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Readings of the Barometer, and lecture on hot-house plants +and French grapes, by Sir <span class="smcap">Somers Vine</span>. At Tattersall's, Lecture on the +approaching "Eve of the Derby," and the female dark races.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>It has been finally settled that Mr. <span class="smcap">Phil Gorman</span>, who will be remembered +in connection with the catering department at all the public dinners +held of late years in Sloshfield, is to be the next incumbent of the +highest municipal office in that prosperous borough. Mrs. <span class="smcap">Gorman</span> is a +daughter of the celebrated local poet, <span class="smcap">James Posh</span>, whose verse still +occasionally adorns the <i>Sloshfield Standard</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>A remarkable incident is stated to have taken place at Lady B—— 's +fancy dress ball. A gentleman, wearing the gorgeous costume of a +Venetian Senator of the <i>renaissance</i> period, somewhat awkwardly +entangled his spurs in the flowing train of a beautiful <i>débutante</i>, +dressed to represent Diana the Huntress. Some of those in the immediate +vicinity of the ill-used goddess aver that she was distinctly heard to +say, "Pig!". Those who know her better declare, however, that, with her +usual politeness, she merely remarked, "I <i>beg</i> your pardon." Hence the +misconception, which is certainly pardonable.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The trees in the Park are now assuming their brightest verdure. It is +interesting to note that the number of sparrows shows no signs of +diminution.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Excellent subject Sir <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> has chosen for his serious +opera—<i>Ivanhoe</i>. It is now finally settled that the part of <i>Rowena</i> +will not be entrusted to Mr. <span class="smcap">Herbert Campbell</span>. It is whispered that the +great effect will be the song of <i>Isaac of York</i>, magnificently +orchestrated for fifteen Jews' harps, played by lads all under the age +of twelve. They have already commenced practice under the eye of Sir +<span class="smcap">Arthur</span>, who himself is no unskilled performer on the ancient lyre of +<span class="smcap">Jubal</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A RUM CUSTOMER.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/245a.png"> +<img src="images/245a.png" width="100%" alt="A RUM CUSTOMER" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">They</span> have bin so jolly busy lately at the "Grand Hotel," and a reel +grand Hotel it is too, that they wanted sum assistence in the werry +himportant line of Waiters; so they werry naterally sent for me, and in +course I went, and a werry nice cumferal place it is for ewerybody, both +Waiters and Wisiters, and I can trewly say as I aint had not a singel +complaint since I have been here.</p> + +<p>Well, one day a young Swell came a sauntering in, about 4 o'clock, and +wanted to know if he cood have a lunch for a gentleman, and in the +hansomest room as there was in the house. Of course I was ekal to the +ocashun, and told him, yes, he coud, and not only in the hansomest room +in that house but in the hansomest room in Lundon, and I at wunce showed +him into our Marble Pillow Room, which I coud see at a glarnce made a +werry deep impression on his mind, which I was not at all surprized at, +for it is about as near a approach to Paradise as you can resonably +expect so werry near the Strand.</p> + +<p>So I sets him down at a sweet little round table, and I puts a lovely +gold candlestick on it, with two darling little cherubs a climing up it, +jest as if they was a going for to lite the candle, and then he horders +his simple luncheon, which it was jest a cup of our shuperior chocolate +and two xquisite little beef and am sandwitches, and wile he eat and +drank 'em he arsked me sech lots of questyuns as farely estonished me. +Such as, how much did the four Marbel Pillows cost? So I said, about 200 +pound, for I allers thinks as an hed Waiter should be reddy to anser any +question as he is arsked, weather he knos anythink about it or not.</p> + +<p>Then he wanted to know where we got all our bewtifool flowers from, and +I told him as we had 'em in fresh every morning from the South of France +along with our Shampane, which was made a purpose for us by the most +sellebrated makers, and consisted of two sorts, wiz.: dry for the +higneramuses and rich for the connysewers. So he ordered a bottle of the +latter, and drunk two glasses of it, and then acshally made me drink one +two, and sed as it was the finest as he had ewer tasted. He then asked +me what made us line all the room with such bewtifool looking glass, and +I told him as it was by order of most of the most bewtifoolest Ladys in +Lundon, who came to dine there wunce or twice every week. So he said as +how he shood drop in now and then to see 'em, for he thort as they gave +a sort of relish to a good dinner. He then got up, and saying as he +didn't want not no Bill, he throwed down a soverain and saying, "I shall +allus know where to cum to when I wants a reelly ellegant lunch, in a +reelly ellegant room, and to be waited on by a reelly respectful +Waiter," went away.</p> + +<p>And now cums the strangest part of the hole affair, for presently in +rushes our most gentlemanly Manager, and he says, says he, "Do you know, +<span class="smcap">Robert</span>, who that was as you've bin a waiting on?" "No, Sir!" says I. +"Why it's no other than the young ——" But wild hosses shan't tear the +name and title from me, as I was forbid to menshun it; but all I can say +is, that if it was known when he was a coming next time, there wood be +sich a crowd to see him as ewen our bewtifool Marble Pillow Room +wouldn't hold.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Robert.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/245b.png"> +<img src="images/245b.png" width="100%" alt="THE MODERN PISTOL" /></a> +<h4>THE MODERN PISTOL.</h4> +<p>"<span class="smcap">Base is the Slave that Pays!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Reported Accident to a Colonel and an Alderman.</span>—Members of the Ancient +Corporation will do well to open their Royal Academy Guide very +cautiously, at least when they come to the Sculpture Department, as, if +come upon suddenly, their nervous system would receive a severe shock +from the following announcement:—"2023. Colonel <span class="smcap">W. H. Wilkin</span>—bust." We +are glad to say that the worthy and gallant Alderman has pulled himself +together, and is uncommonly well. By the way, it is but fair to the +sculptor to state that his name is—ahem!—"<span class="smcap">Walker</span>".</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/246.png"> +<img src="images/246.png" width="100%" alt="AN ANTEDILUVIAN SURVIVAL" /></a> +<h4>AN ANTEDILUVIAN SURVIVAL.</h4> +<p><i>Æsthetic Party (looking over Furnished House).</i> "<span class="smcap">A—I'm afraid, my +love, that this is the kind of Dining-room—A—in which one would feel +that one ought to dine at Six o'Clock!!!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> + +<h2>"NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS."</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/247.png"> +<img src="images/247.png" width="100%" alt="NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS" /></a> +<h4>"NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS!"</h4> +<p><span class="smcap">H. M. Stanley.</span> "<span class="smcap">NOW THEN, STOOPID! KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!!</span>"</p> +</div><br /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span> + +<center><i>Leo Britannicus, loquitur</i>;—</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Good</span> Gentlemen both, you're on opposite tacks!</p> +<p class="i2">Well, your plans you are perfectly welcome to try on.</p> +<p class="i0">They talk of the patience of lambs, or park hacks;</p> +<p class="i2">They're not in it, my lads, with an elderly Lion.</p> +<p class="i0">A Lion, I mean, of the genuine breed,</p> +<p class="i2">And not a thin-skinned and upstart adolescent.</p> +<p class="i0">Dear me! did I let everybody succeed</p> +<p class="i2">In stirring me up, or in making things pleasant,</p> +<p class="i0">By smoothing me down in a flattering style,</p> +<p class="i2">I'd have, there's no doubt, a delectable time of it.</p> +<p class="i0">You think I look drowsy, and smile a fat smile;</p> +<p class="i2">Well, what if I do? Where's the very great crime of it?</p> +<p class="i0">A Lion, you know, is not all roar and ramp,</p> +<p class="i2">So, <span class="smcap">Stanley</span> my hero, why worry and chivey?</p> +<p class="i0">Mere blarney won't blind me; I'm not of that stamp;</p> +<p class="i2">So don't hope to hypnotise <i>me</i>, good <span class="smcap">Caprivi</span>.</p> +<p class="i0">Why, bless you, my boys, long before you were cubbed</p> +<p class="i2">I was charged, by your betters, with being too lazy;</p> +<p class="i0">But rivals have found, when outwitted or drubbed,</p> +<p class="i2">That a calm waiting game is not always so crazy.</p> +<p class="i0">In Indian jungles, American plains,</p> +<p class="i2">And far Eastern wilds, they have fancied me "bested,"</p> +<p class="i0">Because, when hot rivals were hungry for gains,</p> +<p class="i2">I kept my eyes open, and patiently rested.</p> +<p class="i0">A stolid and sleepy expression <i>will</i> steal</p> +<p class="i2">At times, I'm aware, o'er my leonine features;</p> +<p class="i0">But, when the time's ripe, my opponents may feel</p> +<p class="i2">I'm <i>not</i> the most easily humbugged of creatures.</p> +<p class="i0">In North as in South, in the East as the West,</p> +<p class="i2">Opponents <i>have</i> planted their paws down before me.</p> +<p class="i0">But where are they now, boys? <i>J'y suis, j'y reste!</i></p> +<p class="i2">Staying power is the thing; so don't bully and bore me.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I hear you, my <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>, I hear you and mark;</p> +<p class="i2">To snub you for patriot zeal were ungracious;</p> +<p class="i0">But—well, after all, on your Continent Dark</p> +<p class="i2">My footprints are plain, and my realm's pretty spacious.</p> +<p class="i0">I don't mean to say that a purblind content</p> +<p class="i2">My power should palsy, my policy dominate,</p> +<p class="i0">And Congos and Khartoums that pay cent. per cent.</p> +<p class="i2">Are tempting, but arrogant haste I abominate.</p> +<p class="i0">My "prancing proconsuls" not <i>always</i> are right,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose first and last word for old Leo is "collar!"</p> +<p class="i0">I'm not going to flare up like fury and fight</p> +<p class="i2">Every time someone else wins an acre or dollar.</p> +<p class="i0">But if you imagine I'm out of the hunt</p> +<p class="i2">Every time I take breath, you are vastly mistaken:</p> +<p class="i0">I know you're a brick, and like language that's blunt;</p> +<p class="i2">Well, Lions sleep lightly, and readily waken!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">For you, friend <span class="smcap">Caprivi</span>, your manners are nice,</p> +<p class="i2">Your style of caressing is verily charming;</p> +<p class="i0">How soothingly sweet is your placid advice,</p> +<p class="i2">Your mild deprecation is almost disarming;</p> +<p class="i0">Almost, but not quite, for 'tis true Teuton law</p> +<p class="i2">That unfailing defence is the root of the matter;</p> +<p class="i0">And Leo is fully aware tooth and claw</p> +<p class="i2">Must not be <i>talked off</i> e'en by friendlies who flatter.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Your prod, my good <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>, <span class="smcap">Caprivi</span>, your pat,</p> +<p class="i2">Are politic both; I've an eye upon each of you.</p> +<p class="i0">The lids may look lazy, but don't trust to that;</p> +<p class="i2">I watch, and I wait, and I weigh the 'cute speech of you.</p> +<p class="i0">I do not mind learning from both of your books,</p> +<p class="i2">But though you may think Leo given to slumber,</p> +<p class="i0">He may not be quite such a slug as he looks,</p> +<p class="i2">As rivals have found, dear boys, times out of number!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Amongst</span> Cambridge cricketers Mr. <span class="smcap">Gosling</span> and Mr. <span class="smcap">Henfrey</span> may be trusted +to avoid duck's eggs. Mr. <span class="smcap">Rowell</span> prefers to bat well; and Mr. <span class="smcap">Leese</span> +wishes he had a freehold when he is at the wickets. With <span class="smcap">Woods</span>, a <span class="smcap">Hill</span>, +a <span class="smcap">(Streat)field</span>, a <span class="smcap">(Beres)ford</span> and a <span class="smcap">(Cotte)rill</span>, there's plenty of +variety about <span class="smcap">Fenner's</span> ground at present.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> + +<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer.</i>)<br /><br /> + +No. XII.—THE POOR LADY BOUNTIFUL.</center> + +<p><span class="smcap">Poverty</span> is commonly supposed to be a bar to all generosity and enjoyment +of life. Perhaps this may be true of a certain class. But there is a +kind of genteel and not unfashionable poverty with regard to which it is +mainly false. A poor lady, for instance, who is afflicted with an +overmastering charitable impulse, and is blessed with energy, will use +this bar of poverty as a lever with which to move the bounty of her +friends, in order that she herself may appear bountiful, and, as a rule, +her efforts in this direction will be crowned with a success that would +be phenomenal, if it were not so common. The history of her earlier +years is easily written. Whilst still a child, she begins a collecting +career, by being entrusted, on behalf of a church building fund, with a +card divided into "bricks," each brick being valued at the price of +half-a-crown. Her triumphs in inducing her relations and their friends +to become purchasers of these minute and valueless squares of cardboard +are great, and the consideration she acquires on all hands as a +precocious charitable agent is very acceptable even to her childish +mind.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/249.png"> +<img src="images/249.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>Her profession having thus been determined, she devotes herself with an +unflagging ardour to the task of diminishing the available assets of +those with whom she may be brought in contact. Her parents, who are not +overburdened with riches, look on at first with amusement, and +afterwards with the dismay which any excess of zeal always arouses in +the British breast. Their protests, however, fall upon deaf ears, and +they adopt an attitude of severe neutrality, in the hope that years and +a husband may bring wisdom to their daughter.</p> + +<p>This does not save them from being made involuntary sharers in her +charitable iniquities. Her father wakes one morning to find himself +famous to the amount of one pound ten, contributed under the name of "A +Cruel Parent," to the Amalgamated Society for the Reform of Rag-pickers, +and his wife at the same time is made indignant by the discovery that +she figures for twelve-and-sixpence, as "A Mother who ought to be +Proud," in the balance-sheet of the United Charwomen's Home Reading +Association. Further inquiry reveals the fact that the former sum +resulted from the sale by the daughter to an advertising Old Clothes' +Merchant of two of her father's suits, which, although they had seen +service, he had not yet resolved to discard; and the result is the +dismissal of the family butler, who had connived in the transaction. The +twelve-and-sixpence had been formed gradually by the accumulation of +stray coppers and postage-stamps, which her mother was accustomed to +leave about on her writing-table, without the least intention that they +should be devoted to charity. The parents expostulate in vain. The +consciousness that she has diverted to objects, which she believes to be +admirable, money that might have been unworthily spent, steels the heart +of their daughter against their remonstrances, nor can she be induced to +believe that, in thus taking upon herself to interpret or to correct the +intentions of her parents, she has done wrong.</p> + +<p>Matters, however, are thus brought to a crisis. Her home becomes +unendurable to her, and she accepts the offer of marriage made by a +subordinate, and not very highly paid official, in one of the +Departments of the Civil Service. Her parents pronounce their blessing, +and rejoice in an event which promises them an immunity from many +annoyances.</p> + +<p>The marriage duly takes place, but it is soon evident that the poor Lady +Bountiful will not allow her change of condition to make any difference +to the vigour and persistency of her charitable appeals. She continues +the old firm and the old business under a new name, and takes advantage +of her independence to enlarge immensely the field of her operations. No +bazaar can be organised without her and as a stall-holder she is +absolutely unrivalled. Missions, teas, treats, penny dinners, sea-side +excursions, the building of halls, the endowment of a bishopric, the +foundation of a flannel club, all depend upon her inexhaustible energy +in begging. Nor is she satisfied with public institutions. Private +applicants of all kinds gather about her. Destitute but undeserving +widows, orphans who have brought the grey hairs of their parents to the +grave, old soldiers and stranded foreigners batten upon her capacity for +taking advantage of her friends. For it must be well understood that the +restricted limits of her husband's means and his parsimony prevent her +from contributing anything herself to her innumerable schemes except a +lavish expenditure of pens and ink and paper with which to set forth her +appeals. Yet in this she is a true altruist. For she knows and tells +everybody how delightful and blessed it is to give, and accordingly in +the purest spirit of self-denial she permits her friends to dispense the +cash, whilst she herself is satisfied with the credit.</p> + +<p>Like a mighty river, she receives the offerings of innumerable tributary +streams, which lose their identity in hers, and are swept away under her +name, to be finally merged in the great ocean of charitable effort. Who +does not know, that it was mainly owing to her indefatigable efforts, +that the new wing was added to the Disabled District Visitors' Refuge, +and who has not seen at least one of the many subscription lists to +which "per Mrs. So-and-So" invariably contributed the largest amount? Is +it not also on record that at the reception which followed the public +opening of this wing, when the collecting ladies advanced to deposit +their collections at the feet of presiding Royalty, it was the Poor Lady +Bountiful who brought the largest, the most beautifully embroidered and +the fullest purse? It was felt on all hands, that "the dear Princess" +had only done what an English Princess might properly be expected to do, +when she afterwards, under the inspiration of the cunning Vicar, +showered a few words of golden public praise into the palpitating bosom +of the champion purse-bearer.</p> + +<p>And thus her time is spent. When she is not organising a refuge she is +setting on its legs a dinner fund, when she has exhausted the patience +of her friends on behalf of her particular tame widow, she can always +begin afresh with a poverty-stricken refugee, and if the delights of the +ordinary subscription-card should ever pall, she can fly for relaxation +to the seductive method of the snowball, which conceals under a cloak of +geometrical progression and accuracy, the most comprehensive uncertainty +in its results. One painful incident in her career must be chronicled. +Fired by her example, but without her knowledge, a friend of hers from +whom she is accustomed to solicit subscriptions, steps down to do battle +on her own account in the charitable arena. And thus, when next the Poor +Lady Bountiful makes an appeal in this quarter on behalf of a Siberian +Count, whom she declares to be quite a gentleman in his own country, she +is met by the declaration, that further relief is impossible, as her +friend has a Bulgarian of her own to attend to. Thus there is an end of +friendship, and both parties scatter dreadful insinuations as to the +necessity for an audit of accounts. Eventually it happens that a rich +and distant relation of her husband dies, and leaves him unexpectedly an +income of several thousands a-year. Having thus lost all her poverty, +she retires from the fitful fever of charitable life to the serene +enjoyment of a substantial income, and awaits, with a fortitude that no +collector is suffered to disturb, the approach of a non-subscribing and +peaceful old age.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p><i>Hard Luck</i>, by <span class="smcap">Arthur à Beckett</span>, begins a trifle slow, but works up to +an exciting climax, of which the secret is so profoundly kept, up till +the very last moment, that not the most experienced in sensational plots +would discover it. Capitally managed. It is one of the Arrowsmith +Series, and a genuinely artistic shilling shocker.</p> + +<p><i>A Black Business.</i> By <span class="smcap">Hawley Smart</span>. Uncommonly smart of him bringing it +out just at this time, when the talk everywhere is about the Slave +Trade, the struggle for Colonial life, <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>, and the Very Darkest +Africa. There's Black Business enough about. Smart chap <span class="smcap">Hawley</span>.</p> + +<p>The only thing I've to say against the <i>Remarks of Bill Nye</i>, in one +volume, says the Baron, is the size of the book, which is as big as a +family Bible. Nowadays, when busy men can only snatch a few seconds <i>en +route</i>, the handy volume is the only really practicable form of +literature. I'd rather have three small pocketable volumes of <span class="smcap">Bill Nye's</span> +essays and stories than this one cumbersome work, which, once on the +shelf, runs a pretty good chance of being left there. The majority of +<span class="smcap">Bill Nye's</span> sayings are very amusing, and one of his short papers shows +that the humorist can be pathetic on occasion without falling into mock +sentiment. It is published by <span class="smcap">Neely</span>, of New York, and, if reduced in +bulk, the <i>Remarks of Bill Nye</i> ought to do very well here, even among +those who, for want of familiarity with American slang, do not keenly +appreciate American humour. The Baron does appreciate it when it is +genuine American humour, but when the peculiar style is only copied by a +journalistic <span class="smcap">'arry</span>, with whom the stupidest and most vulgar Yankeeisms +pass for the highest wit, simply because they are Yankeeisms, then for +this sort of imitation the Baron has no criticism sufficiently severe.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Baron de Book-Worms.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> + +<h2>THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.—ROYAL ACADEMY.</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/250a.png"> +<img src="images/250a.png" width="100%" alt="Two Tales of a Tiger" /></a><br /><br /> +<p>No. 551. Two Tales of a Tiger. Advertisement for new +Romance by Rider Laggard and Andrew Hang.</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/250d.png"> +<img src="images/250d.png" width="100%" alt="Walk up! Walk up!" /></a><br /><br /> +<p>No. 216. "Walk up! Walk up! Just a goin' to begin'!"</p> +<p>[Probably from a contemporary wood engraving of Whitehall, 1649, which +settles the question as to whether there was a "block" or not.]</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/250b.png"> +<img src="images/250b.png" width="100%" alt="HANSOM" /></a> +<h4>"HANSOM!"</h4> +<p>No. 1,962 hailing the Cab of the Desert (No. 1,958).</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/250e.png"> +<img src="images/250e.png" width="100%" alt="You naughty boy!" /></a><br /><br /> +<p>No. 24. "You naughty boy! You've been making a snowball, +and then tumbled down and hurt yourself!"</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/250c.png"> +<img src="images/250c.png" width="100%" alt="The Timid Hare" /></a><br /><br /> +<p>No. 779. The Timid Hare and the Terrible Tortoise.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUT AND ABOUT.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir,</span>—I have been about, according to your instructions, and I have come +back with a mixed notion that somewhere in the dawn of history the Queen +of <span class="smcap">Sheba</span>, scantily dressed, and attended by her black Chamberlain, drove +out on a four-horse parcel-post van to see an exhibition of paintings on +china at Messrs. <span class="smcap">Howell and James's</span>. It is perfectly true that in the +course of my wanderings I had some champagne, but <i>not a drop of +chicken</i>. Consequently, I have brought my critical faculty home with me +entirely unimpaired. But to business.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">E. J. Poynter</span> has painted a noble picture of the meeting of <span class="smcap">Solomon</span> +and the Queen of <span class="smcap">Sheba</span>, and Mr. <span class="smcap">T. McLean</span> exhibits it at 7, Haymarket. I +once saw a picture of this Queen on an ancient corner-cupboard; that was +in early childhood, and the Queen of those days was a very Dutch Lady. +Mr. <span class="smcap">Poynter's</span> is quite unlike that one; in fact, she is extremely +beautiful. But why is she overcome? <span class="smcap">Solomon</span> might have been pardoned for +blushing when he saw her, but he takes it quite as a matter of course. +The black Chamberlain is evidently not a lord, otherwise he would have +been more careful about his Queen's dress. There are harps, peacocks, +golden lions, luscious fruits, monkeys, marble steps, and gorgeous +pillars, to complete the picture. Curiously enough, the other ladies do +not seem to care for the newly-arrived Queen. Bravo, <span class="smcap">Poynter</span>! A great +picture!</p> + +<p>After this I hurried to the painted China Exhibition at <span class="smcap">Howell And +James's</span>; very delicate, very graceful, and very refined. "<i>A Wild +Corner</i>" by G. <span class="smcap">Leonce</span>, "<i>Blue Tits</i>" by Miss <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span>—sure to make her +Mark(is),—two landscapes by <span class="smcap">A. Fisher</span> (who needs no rod) struck me +particularly, but did not hurt me much. And so to the wilds of Finsbury +(14, Castle Street) where Messrs. <span class="smcap">McNamara</span> were exhibiting the Postal +Vehicles to be used at the Penny Postage Jubilee Celebration. I've +already ordered two four-horse parcel vans, three two-horse, and two +one-horse mail-carts for my private use, <i>and have told Messrs. M. to +put them down to you, Sir</i>. I couldn't resist it. They said it would be +all right. Please make it so. I am told, that no <i>females</i> are employed +in these vehicles. Another injustice. I should like to ride in a lovely +red carriage for ever.</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Le Petit Shows.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> + +<h2>IN THE KNOW.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.</i>)</center> + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> has been lately some racing at Kempton and various other places, +as to which, I ought perhaps to say a few words. Not that I acknowledge +a right in anyone to dictate to me how and when I shall notice matters +connected with the turf. The Bedlamites who mouth and gibber about +horses and their owners, as if they were in the constant habit of living +on terms of familiar intimacy with the aristocracy, instead of being, as +they probably are, the dumpling-headed parasites of touts and +stable-boys, are entitled only to the contempt of every decent man who +knows anything about what he professes to understand. At any rate, they +have mine. My knowledge of the Kempton Course dates back at least fifty +years. To be sure, it was not at that time a racecourse, but was mostly +ploughed fields and thickets. But if the anserous and asinine +mooncalves, whose high priest is Mr. <span class="smcap">Jeremy</span>, suppose that that fact in +any way weakens the authority with which I may claim to speak on the +subject, I can only assure them, that they prove themselves fit inmates +for the various asylums from which they ought never to have been +withdrawn. I never thought much of <i>Philomel</i>. Ten years ago, I +observed, with regard to this animal, "<i>Philomel</i> must be watched. There +is no knowing what a course of podophyllin and ginger might not do. +Failing that, I should feel inclined to say, buncombe." Mr. J. says, +this was a different mare. What of that? In turf matters the name is +everything, and I am therefore justified in citing this as one of the +most extraordinary instances of prescience known to the turf world.</p> + +<p><i>Megatherium</i>, I notice, has many admirers. As a horizontal bar, or +possibly as a clothes-line, he might have merits, but as a horse, I must +confess, he has little to recommend him. When <i>Loblolly Boy</i> cantered +home for the East End Weight-for-age Welter Handicap, I said that the +son of <i>Rattlesnake</i> could make mince-meat of all his rivals. Since then +he has made for his owner £5,000,000 in added money, at an initial +expense of twopence halfpenny for saveloys and onions, a combination of +which this splendid animal is particularly fond. <i>Loblolly Boy</i> was by +<i>Rowdy</i> out of <i>Hoyden</i>, and his pedigree mounts up to <i>Sallycomeup</i>, +<i>Kissmequick</i>, and <i>Curate on Toast</i>, whilst in the collateral line he +can claim kinship with <i>Artaxerxes</i> and <i>Devil's Dustpan</i>. In the +Margate Open Sweepstakes, he ran second to <i>Daddy</i>, when the sea was as +smooth as an old halfcrown. If there had been wind enough to blow out a +wooden match, he must have won in a common hand-gallop.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/251a.png"> +<img src="images/251a.png" width="100%" alt="FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS" /></a> +<h4>FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.</h4> +<p><i>Maud (on crossing the boundary between Hertfordshire and the +neighbouring county, in which the Muzzling Order does not prevail).</i> +"<span class="smcap">That's right! Off with his Muzzle! So much for <i>Buckingham!</i></span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<center>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</center> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, May 12.</i>—"If a shutter be closed in the +daytime," said <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>, a little abruptly, as we walked down to +House to-day, "the stream of light piercing through the crevice seems to +be in constant agitation. Why is this?"</p> + +<p>Hadn't slightest idea. Suggested Right Hon. Gentleman had better give +notice of question.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/251b.png"> +<img src="images/251b.png" width="100%" alt="Can't a-bear verbosity" /></a> +<h4>"Can't a-bear verbosity."</h4> +</div> + +<p>"I can tell you why," he proceeded, with unwonted perturbation. "Because +little motes and particles of dust, thrown into agitation by the +convective currents of the air, are made visible by the strong beam of +light thrown into the room through the crevice of the shutter. That's +just the way with us, dear <span class="smcap">Toby</span>; <i>a</i> is the hatred of Government by the +Opposition, the strong desire to take our places; <i>b</i> is the convective +currents of air which agitate the political atmosphere; <i>c</i> is the +Compensation Bill, the strong beam of light which, thrown into House +through crevice opened by <span class="smcap">Jokim</span>, makes the whole thing clear. Don't know +whether <i>I</i> am; but if you reflect on the situation, you'll find there +is much in what I say. We were going along moderately well. Irish Land +Bill, of course, a rock ahead; everyone takes that into account. +Suddenly <span class="smcap">Jokim</span>, spoiling for a fight, goes and invents this Compensation +Bill, quietly hands it over to <span class="smcap">Ritchie</span> to work through, and all the +greasy compound is in the devouring element. Seems a pity we could not +leave the tolerably satisfactory undisturbed. Now we're in for it. +Meetings out-of-doors; opposition in-doors; prospect of getting on with +ordinary work of Session receding into distance."</p> + +<p>Good deal of truth in what <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> says. House crowded to-night; +full of seething excitement. <span class="smcap">Ritchie</span> moved Second Reading of +Compensation Bill; <span class="smcap">Caine</span> moved Amendment, eliminating principle of +compensation. Capital speech; would have been better if it had been half +an hour shorter. Between them, <span class="smcap">Ritchie</span> and <span class="smcap">Caine</span> occupied nearly three +hours of sitting, leaving five hours for the remaining 668 Members.</p> + +<p>"This is not debate," protested <span class="smcap">Shaw-Lefevre</span>, sternly! "it is preaching; +why cannot a man be concise? Concision, if I may coin a word, is the +soul of argument. My old friend <span class="smcap">Dizzy</span> used to say to me, '<span class="smcap">Shaw</span>, what I +admire about <span class="smcap">Lefevre</span> is his terseness. If you want a man to say in +twenty minutes everything that, from his point of view, is to be spoken +on a given subject, <span class="smcap">Shaw-Lefevre</span> is the man.' That was, perhaps, a too +flattering view to take; but there's something in it, and it makes me, +perhaps naturally, impatient of a man who wanders round his subject for +an hour and a half."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Debate on Compensation opened.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—"Heard something about good man struggling with adversity," +said Member for Sark, looking at <span class="smcap">Rathbone</span>. "Nothing to goody goody man +struggling with manuscript of his speech."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Rathbone</span> certainly a melancholy spectacle. Evidently had spent his +nights and days in preparation of speech on Compensation Bill; brought +it down in large quarto notes. <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> glanced across House with +sudden access of interest; thought it was a copy-book; Speech evidently +highly prized at rehearsals in family circle.</p> + +<p>"I think," said <span class="smcap">Rathbone</span>, complacently, "before I sit down I shall show +you that the view I take is correct."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span></p> + +<p>This remark interjected early in speech; proved rather a favourite. +Whenever <span class="smcap">Rathbone</span> got more than usually muddled, looked round nervously +at empty Benches, nodded confidentially to Mace, and remarked, "Before I +sit down I think I shall show you——" What it was he meant to show, no +one quite certain. <span class="smcap">Elliot Lees</span>, who followed, assumed with reckless +light-heartedness of youth, that he meant to show before he sat down, +that the more public-houses licensed, the less drunkenness.</p> + +<p>"That," said <span class="smcap">Rathbone</span>, with unaccustomed flash of intelligent speech, +"was exactly the reverse of what I undertook to show the House."</p> + +<p>Would have gone on pretty well only for (1) the Accountant, and (2) +<span class="smcap">Sinclair</span>. Whatever it was <span class="smcap">Rathbone</span> was going to show before he sat down, +he had fortified himself in his position by opinion of a sworn +Accountant. Conversations with this Accountant set forth at length. +<span class="smcap">Rathbone</span> appears to have been kept by the Accountant in state of +constant surprise. "Let's take two places in the country," he said, in +one of the more lucid passages. "Well, there are only 360 public-houses +in Leeds. Sheffield has 400 public-houses in proportion to population, +whereas Bradford hasn't 160. Well, I was so much struck with this, that +I wanted to know whether there were any reasons for it. So I applied to +the Accountant—<i>without telling him my object</i>—which really was," he +added, nodding quite briskly at the Mace, "to know whether there was +more drunkenness in Leeds or Sheffield. He said at once, that Leeds was +the most. Then I said to the Accountant 'I don't care about your +individual cases, let's take the average. Let's take Birmingham.'"</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/252a.png"> +<img src="images/252a.png" width="100%" alt="but not clear" /></a> +<h4>"—— but not clear."</h4> +</div> + +<p>Afterwards Blackburn and Stockport were "taken"—"As if they were goes +of gin," said the Member for Sark; <span class="smcap">Rathbone</span> turning over papers, which +appeared to have got upside down, recited heaps of figures. These struck +him the more he studied them. Anonymous Accountant seemed to have +brought him completely under a spell. His highly respectable appearance, +his evident earnestness, his accumulated mass of figures, his engagement +of the Accountant, the tone of his voice, his general attitude, all +conveyed impression that he was really saying something intelligible and +useful. The few Members present honestly endeavoured to follow him; +might have got a clue only for <span class="smcap">Sinclair</span>.</p> + +<p>At end of first half-hour <span class="smcap">Rathbone</span> began to show signs of distress. +<span class="smcap">Sinclair</span> thought he was signalling for water; prepared to go for glass; +something wrong; <span class="smcap">Rathbone</span> violently agitated; nodding and winking and +pointing to recess under bench before him. House now really excited. +Began to think that perhaps the Accountant was hidden down there. If he +could be only got up, might explain matters. <span class="smcap">Sinclair</span> sharing general +agitation, dived under seat; reappeared attempting to secrete small +medicine bottle, apparently containing milk-punch; drew cork with +difficulty; poured out dose, handed it to <span class="smcap">Rathbone</span>. <span class="smcap">Rathbone</span> gulped it +down; smacked his lips; much refreshed; evidently good for another hour.</p> + +<p>"I said to the Accountant," he continued, "if the Magistrates of +Sheffield had indiced these lorcences—I mean endorsed those +licences——."</p> + +<p>Off again, wading with the Accountant knee-deep in figures from Leeds to +Sheffield, back to Birmingham, across to Liverpool, on to York, with +occasional sips of milk-punch. A wonderful performance that held in +breathless attention few Members present to hear it.</p> + +<p>"It is magnificent," said the Member for Sark; "but it isn't clear."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="smcap">Rathbone's</span> great speech on the Licensing Question.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Quite lively for Wednesday afternoon. At outset, +apparently nothing particular in wind. Irish Members had first three +places on Agenda, but that nothing unusual. Prospect was, that Debate on +their first Bill, appropriating Irish Church Fund to provide Dwellings +for Agricultural Labourers, would occupy whole of Sitting; be divided on +just before half-past five. To make sure, <span class="smcap">Akers-Douglas</span> issued Whip to +Ministerialists, urging them to be in their places as early as four.</p> + +<p>"Never know what the Bhoys will do," he said, sagely. "Like to be on the +safe side. Division at five, so be here at four."</p> + +<p>The Bhoys came down in great force at one o'clock; only a score or so of +Ministerialists visible. Fox rose to move Second Reading of Bill. Good +for an hour if necessary. Long <span class="smcap">John O'Connor</span>, that Eiffel Tower of +patriotism, ready to Second Motion, in a discourse of ninety minutes.</p> + +<p>"May as well make an afternoon of it," he says, gazing round the +expectant but empty Benches opposite.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Fox</span> just started, when happy thought struck Irish Members. If they +divided at once, before Ministerial majority arrived, could carry Second +Reading; so Brer <span class="smcap">Fox</span> doubled, and in ten minutes got back home. Long +<span class="smcap">John</span> folded himself up, till casual passer-by might have mistaken him +for <span class="smcap">Picton</span>. Conservatives, not ready for this manœuvre, dumfounded. +Division imminent; only thing to be done was to make speeches till four +o'clock and majority arrived. Everybody available pressed into service. +<span class="smcap">Charles Lewis</span>, coming up breathless, declared that "promoters of Bill, +wished by a side-stab in the wind of the Government"—he meant by a +side-wind—"to stab the Measure on the same subject the Government had +brought forward."</p> + +<p>That was better; though how you stab by a side-wind not explained. +Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> threw himself languidly into fray. Talked up to quarter +past three; majority beginning to trickle in, <span class="smcap">T. W. Russell</span> moved +Adjournment of Debate. Defeated by 94 votes against 68. Irish Members +evidently in majority of 26. Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span>, with eye nervously watching +door, wished that night or <span class="smcap">Blucher</span> would come. Neither arriving, stepped +aside, letting Irish Members carry their Bill; which they did, amid +tumultuous cheering.</p> + +<p>"It's of no consequence, I assure you," Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> said, quoting <i>Mr. +Toots</i> when he inadvertently sat down on <i>Florence Dombey's</i> best +bonnet. "They may carry their Bill, but we'll take the money."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Irish Members out-manœuvre Government.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Second Reading of Compensation Bill carried at early hour +this morning, after dull debate. Morning Sitting to-day for Supply. +Duller than ever. Dullest of all, <span class="smcap">Jokim</span> on Treasury Bench in charge of +Estimates.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 10%"> +<a href="images/252b.png"> +<img src="images/252b.png" width="100%" alt="Sympathy" /></a> +<h4>Sympathy.</h4> +</div> + +<p>"Yes, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>," he said, in reply to sympathetic greeting, "I <i>am</i> a little +hipped; situation growing too heavy for me. Patriotism all very well; +public spirit desirable; self-abnegation, as <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> says, is the +seed of virtue. But you may carry spirit of self-sacrifice too far. Read +my speech at dinner to <span class="smcap">Hartington</span>, of course? Put it in the right light, +don't you think? We Dissentient Liberals, as they call us, are the +Paschal Lambs of politics; except that, instead of being offered up as +sacrifice, we offer up ourselves. Still there are degrees. <span class="smcap">Hartington</span> +given up something; <span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span> chucked himself away; <span class="smcap">James</span> might have +been on the Woolsack. But think of me, dear <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, and all I've +sacrificed. Four years ago a private Member, adrift from my Party; no +chance of reinstatement; not even sure of a seat. Now Chancellor of the +Exchequer, with £5000 a-year, and a pick of safe seats. Too much to +expect of me, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>; sometimes more than I can bear;" and <span class="smcap">Jokim</span> hid his +face in his copy of the Orders of the Day, whilst <span class="smcap">Theodore Fry</span> looking +on, was dissolved in tears.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Supply.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Complaints</span> are often made as to the non-appreciation of jokes by those +to whom they are addressed. A Correspondent sends us on this subject the +following interesting remarks:—"I have made on an average ten jokes a +day for the last six years. Being in possession of a large independent +income, I could have afforded to make more, but I think ten a day a +reasonable number. I find that, as a rule, the wealthy and highly-placed +have absolutely no appreciation of humour. The necessitous, however, +show a keen taste for it. The other day a gentleman, whom I had only +seen once, asked me for the loan of a sovereign. I immediately made six +jokes running, and was rewarded by six successive peals of laughter. I +then informed him I had no money with me, and left him chuckling to +himself something about an Eastern coin of small value, called, I +believe, a dam."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Narrow Escape of an R.A.!</span>—Everyone knows that a Critic is one, who +would, professionally, roast and cut up his own father; but that some +Critics go beyond this, may be gathered from the fact of the Art-Critic +of the <i>Observer</i>, in one of his recent reviews of the Academy, having +thus expressed himself:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>"Mr. <span class="smcap">Poynter's</span> flesh is never quite to our liking,"——</p></blockquote> + +<p>Heavens! What a dainty cannibal is this Critic! But how lucky for Mr. +<span class="smcap">Poynter</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%"> +<a href="images/252c.gif"> +<img src="images/252c.gif" width="100%" alt="Pointing finger" /></a> +</div> + +<blockquote><p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception.</p></blockquote> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +98, May 24, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 31039-h.htm or 31039-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/0/3/31039/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, May 24, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Cowley Burnand + +Release Date: January 21, 2010 [EBook #31039] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MAY 24, 1890. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. XI.--THE RIVAL DOLLS. + +"Miss JENNY and POLLY Had each a new dolly."--_Vide Poem._ + +CHARACTERS. + +_Miss Jenny_ } + } By the Sisters LEAMAR. +_Miss Polly_ } + +_The Soldier Doll_} + } By the Two ARMSTRONGS. +_The Sailor Doll_ } + +SCENE--_A Nursery. Enter_ Miss JENNY and Miss POLLY, _who perform a +blameless step-dance with an improving chorus_. + + Oh, isn't it jolly! we've each a new dolly, + And one is a Soldier, the other's a Tar! + We're fully contented with what's been presented, + Such good little children we both of us are! + + [_They dance up to a cupboard, from which they bring out two large + Dolls, which they place on chairs._ + + _Miss J._ _Don't_ they look nice! + Come, POLLY, let us strive + To make ourselves believe that they're alive! + +_Miss P._ (addressing Sailor D.). I'm glad you're mine. I dote on all +that's nautical. + +_The Sailor D. (opening his eyes suddenly)._ Excuse me, Miss, your +sister's more _my_ sort o' gal! + + [_Kisses his hand_ to Miss J., _who shrinks back, shocked and alarmed_. + +_Miss J._ Oh, POLLY, did you hear? I feel so shy! + +_The Soldier D. (with mild self-assertion)._ _I_ can say "Pa" and +"Ma"--and wink my eye. + + [_Does so at_ Miss P., _who runs in terror to_ Miss J.'s _side_. + +_Miss J._ Why, both are showing signs of animation! + +_Miss P._ Who'd think we had such strong imagination! + +_The Soldier Doll_ (_aside to the_ Sailor D.). I say, old fellow, we have + caught their fancy-- +In each of us they now a real man see! +Let's keep it up! + +_The Sailor D. (dubiously)._ D'ye think as we can _do_ it? + +_The Soldier D._ You stick by me, and I will see you through it. +Sit up, and turn your toes out,--don't you loll; +Put on the Man, and drop the bloomin' Doll! + + [_The_ Sailor Doll _pulls himself together, and rises from chair + importantly_. + +_The Sailor D. (in the manner of a Music-hall Chairman)_--Ladies, with + your kind leave, this gallant gent +Will now his military sketch present. + +[Miss J. _and_ P. applaud; _the_ Soldier D., _after feebly +expostulating, is induced to sing_. + +_Song, by the Soldier Doll._ + + When I used to be displayed + In the Burlington Arcade, + With artillery arrayed + Underneath. Shoulder Hump! + I imagine that I made + All the Lady Dolls afraid, + I should draw my battle-blade + From its sheath, Shoulder Hump! + For I'm Mars's gallant son, + And my back I've shown to none, + Nor was ever seen to run + From the strife! &c. + Oh, the battles I'd have won, + And the dashing deeds have done, + If I'd ever fired a gun + In my life! &c. + +_Refrain (to be sung marching round Stage)._ + + By your right flank, wheel! + Let the front rank kneel! + With the bristle of the steel + To the foe. + Till their regiments reel, + At our rattling peal, + And the military zeal + We show! + + [_Repeat, with the whole company marching round after him._ + +_The Soldier Doll._ My friend will next oblige--this jolly Jack Tar +Will give his song and chorus in charack-tar! + + [_Same business with_ Sailor D. + +_Song, by the Sailor Doll._ + + In costume I'm + So maritime, + You'd never suppose the fact is, + That with the Fleet + In Regent Street, + I'd precious little naval practice! + There was saucy craft, + Rigged fore an' aft, + Inside o' Mr. CRE-MER'S. + From Noah's Arks to Clipper-built barques, + Like-wise mechanical stea-mers. + + But to navigate the Serpentine, + Yeo ho, my lads, ahoy! + With clockwork, sails, or spirits of wine, + Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy! + I did respeckfully decline, + So I was left in port to pine, + Which wasn't azactually the line + Of a rollicking Sailor Boy, + Yeo-ho! Of a rollicking Sailor Bo-oy! + + Yes, there was lots + Of boats and yachts, + Of timber and of tin, too; + But one and all + Was far too small + For a doll o' my size to get into! + I was too big + On any brig + To ship without disas-ter, + And it wouldn't never do + When the cap'n and the crew + Were a set o' little swabs all plas-ter! + +_Chorus_--So to navigate the Serpentine, &c. + + An Ark is p'raps + The berth for chaps + As is fond o' Natural Hist'ry. + But I sez to SHEM + And the rest o' them, + "How you get along at all's a myst'ry! + With a Wild Beast Show + Let loose below, + And four fe-males on deck too! + I never could agree + With your happy fami-lee, + And your lubberly ways I objeck to." + + [_Chorus. Hornpipe by the company, after which the_ Soldier Doll + _advances condescendingly to_ Miss JENNY. + +_The Sold. D._ Invincible I'm reckoned by the Ladies. +But yield to you--though conquering my trade is! + +_Miss J. (repulsing him)._ Oh, go away, you great conceited thing, you! + + [The Sold. D. _persists in offering her attentions_. + +_Miss P. (watching them bitterly)._ To be deserted by one's doll does +sting you! + + [_The_ Sailor D. _approaches_. + +_The Sailor D. (to_ Miss P.) Let me console you, Miss, a Sailor Doll +As swears his 'art was ever true to POLL! + + (_N.B.--Good opportunity for Song here._) + +_Miss P._ (_indignantly to_ Miss J.) Your Sailor's teasing me to be his + idol! +Do make him stop--(_spitefully_)--When you've _quite_ done with _my_ doll! + +_Miss J. (scornfully)._ If you suppose _I_ want your wretched warrior, +I'm sorry _for_ you! + +_Miss P._ I for you am sorrier. + +_Miss J. (weeping_, R.). POLLY preferred to me--what ignominy! + +_Miss P. (weeping,_ L.). My horrid Sailor jilting me for JENNY! + + [_The two Dolls face one another_, C. + +_Sailor D. (to_ Soldier D.). You've made her sluice her skylights now, + you swab! + +_Soldier D. (to_ Sailor D.). As you have broke her heart, I'll break + your nob! + + [_Hits him._ + +_Sailor D. (in a pale fury)._ This insult must be blotted out in bran! + +_Soldier D. (fiercely)._ Come on, I'll shed your sawdust--if I can! + + [Miss J. _and_ P. _throw themselves between the + combatants_. + +_Miss J._ For any mess you make we shall be scolded, +So wait until a drugget we've unfolded! + + [_They lay down drugget on Stage._ + +_The Soldier D. (politely)._ No hurry, Miss, _we_ don't object to waiting. + +_The Sailor D. (aside)._ His valour--like my own--'s evaporating! +(_Defiantly to_ Soldier D.). On guard! You'll see how soon I'll run +you through! (_Confidentially_). (If you will not prod _me_, + I won't pink _you_.) + +_The Soldier D._ Through your false kid my deadly blade I'll pass! +(_Confidentially_). (Look here, old fellow, don't you be a _hass_!) + + [_They exchange passes at a considerable distance._ + +_The Sailor D. (aside)._ Don't lose your temper now! + +_Sold. D._ Don't get excited. +Do keep a little farther off! + +_Sail. D._ Delighted! + + [_Wounds_ Soldier D. _by misadventure_. + +_Sold. D. (annoyed)._ There now, you've gone and made upon my wax a dent! + +_Sail. D._ Excuse me, it was really quite an accident. + +_Sold. D. (savagely)._ Such clumsiness would irritate a saint! + + [_Stabs_ Sailor Doll. + +_Miss J. and P. (imploringly)._ Oh, stop! the sight of sawdust turns + us faint! + + [_They drop into chairs, swooning._ + +_The Sailor D._ I'll pay you out for that! + + [_Stabs_ Soldier D. + +_Sold. D._ Right through you've poked me! + +_Sailor D._ So you have _me_! + +_Sold. D._ You shouldn't have provoked me! + + [_They fall transfixed._ + +_Sailor D. (faintly)._ Alas, we have been led away by vanity. +Dolls shouldn't try to imitate humanity! + + [_Dies._ + +_Soldier D._ For, if they do, they'll end like us, unpitied, +Each on the other's sword absurdly spitted! + + [_Dies._ Miss J. _and_ P. _revive, and bend sadly over the corpses_. + +_Miss Jenny._ From their untimely end we draw this moral, +How wrong it is, even for dolls, to quarrel! + +_Miss Polly._ Yes, JENNY, in the fate of these poor fellows see +What sad results may spring from female jealousy! + + [_They embrace penitently as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ROSE-WATER CURE.] + + * * * * * + +THE ROSE-WATER CURE. + + [The Report of the Sweating Committee says that "the inefficiency of + many of the lower class of workers, early marriages, and the + tendency of the residuum of the population in large towns to form a + helpless community, together with a low standard of life and the + excessive supply of unskilled labour are the chief factors in + producing sweating." The Committee's chief "recommendations" in + respect of the evils of Sweating seem to be, the lime-washing of + work-places and the multiplication of sanitary inspectors.] + + SEVENTY-ONE Sittings, a many months' run, + Witnesses Two Hundred, Ninety and One: + Clergymen, guardians, factors, physicians, + Middlemen, labourers, smart statisticians, + Journalists, managers, Gentiles and Jews, + And this is the issue! A thing to amuse + A cynic, the chat of this precious Committee, + But moving kind hearts to despair blent with pity. + + CANTUAR., DERBY, and mild ABERDEEN, + Such anti-climax sure never was seen! + ONSLOW and ROTHSCHILD and MONKSWELL and THRING, + Are you content with the pitiful thing? + DUNRAVEN out of it; lucky, my lad! + (Though your retirement seemed caused by a fad) + Was the Inquiry in earnest or sport? + What is the pith of this precious Report? + + Sweating--which all the world joined to abuse-- + Is not the fault of poor Russians or Jews; + 'Tisn't the middleman more than the factor, + 'Tisn't, no 'tisn't, the sub-contractor; + 'Tisn't machinery. No! In fact, + What Sweating _is_, in a manner exact, + After much thinking we cannot define. + Who _is_ to blame for it? Well, we incline + To think that the Sweated (improvident elves!) + Are, at the bottom, _to blame themselves_! + They're poor of spirit, and weak of will, + They marry early, have little skill; + They herd together, all sexes and ages, + And take too tamely starvation wages; + And if they _will_ do so, much to their shame, + How can the Capitalist be to blame? + Remedies? Humph! We really regret + We don't see our way to them. People _must_ sweat, + _Must_ stitch and starve till they almost drop; + But _let it be done in a lime-washed shop_! + To drudge in these dens is their destined fate, + But keep the dens in a decent state. + More inspectors, fewer bad smells, + These be our cures for the Sweaters' Hells! + + Revolutions with rose-water cannot be made! + So it was said. But the horrors of Trade, + Competition's accursed fruit, + The woman a drudge, and the man a brute, + These, our Committee of Lordlings are sure, + Can only be met by the Rose-water Cure! + The Sweating Demon to exorcise + Exceeds the skill of the wealthy wise. + Still he must "grind the face of the poor." + (Though some of us have a faint hope, to be sure, + That the highly respectable Capitalist + To the Lords' mild lispings will kindly list.) + No; the Demon must work his will + On his ill-paid suffering victims still; + But--he'd better look with a little _less_ dirt, + So sprinkle the brute with our Rose-water Squirt!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HARDLY LIKELY. + +(_An Incident in a "Point to Point" Race._) + +_Fallen Competitor (to his Bosom Friend, who now has the Race in hand)._ +"HI, GEORGE, OLD MAN! JUST CATCH MY HORSE, THERE'S A GOOD CHAP!"] + + * * * * * + +AN ENTERTAINMENT OF A GOOD STAMP.--The Penny Postage Jubilee Exhibition +at the Guildhall. + + * * * * * + +SONG SENTIMENTIANA. + +(_A delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable +Composer._) + + EXAMPLE IV.--Treating of a passion which, in the well-meant process + of making the best of it, unconsciously saddles its object with the + somewhat harassing responsibility of competing with the Universal + Provider. + + THOU art all the world to me, love, + Thou art everything in one, + From my early cup of tea, love, + To my kidney underdone; + From my canter in the Row, love, + To my invitation lunch-- + From my quiet country blow, love, + To my festive London _Punch_. + + Thou art all in all to me, love,-- + Thou art bread and meat and drink; + Thou art air and land and sea, love,-- + Thou art paper, pens, and ink. + Thou art all of which I'm fond, love: + Thou art Whitstables from RULE'S,-- + "Little drops" with SPIERS AND POND, love,-- + Measures sweet at Mr. POOLE'S. + + Thou art everything I lack, love, + From a month at Brighton gay + (Bar the journey there and back, love) + To the joys of Derby Day-- + From the start from my abode, love, + With a team of frisky browns, + To the driving "on the road," love, + And the dry _vin_ on the Downs! + + Thou art all the world to me, love,-- + Thou art all the thing contains; + Thou art honey from the bee, love,-- + Thou art sugar from the canes. + Thou art----stay! I've made a miss, love; + I'm forgetting, on my life! + Thou art all--excepting _this_, love,-- + Your devoted servant's wife! + + * * * * * + +CHARLES THE FIRST. + +SIR,--Did CHARLES THE FIRST walk _and_ talk half an hour after his head +was cut off, or not? + +Yours, + + A VERIFIER OF FACTS. + +SIR,--CHARLES THE FIRST walked and talked _one quarter of an hour_, not +half, as is erroneously supposed, after his decollation. We know this by +two Dutch pictures which I had in my possession until only the other +day, when I couldn't find them anywhere. + +Yours, + + HISTORIAN. + +SIR,--King CHARLES THE FIRST lost his head long before he came to the +scaffold. I have the block now by me. From it the well-known wood-cut +was taken. + + CONSULE PLAUCO. + +SIR,--It is a very curious thing, but all the trouble was taken out of +CHARLES'S head and put into mine years ago by one of the greatest +CHARLESES that ever lived, whose name was DICKENS; and mine, without the +"ENS," is + +Yours truly, + +"Mr. DICK." + +P.S.--"'Mr. DICK sets us all right,' said My Aunt, quietly." + + * * * * * + +A CHAPTER OF DICKENS UP TO DATE. + +[Illustration] + +(_In which Mrs. Harris, assisted by a Carpet, is the cause of a division +between Friends._) + +MRS. GAMP'S apartment wore, metaphorically speaking, a Bab-Balladish +aspect, being considerably topsy-turvey, as rooms have a habit of being +after any unusual ebullition of temper on the part of their occupants. +It was certainly not swept and garnished, although its owner was +preparing for the reception of a visitor. That visitor was BETSEY PRIG. + +Mrs. GAMP'S chimney-piece was ornamented with three photographs: one of +herself, looking somewhat severe; one of her friend and bosom companion, +Mrs. PRIG, of far more amiable aspect; and one of a mysterious personage +supposed to be Mrs. HARRIS. + +"There! Now, drat you, BETSEY, don't be long!" said Mrs. GAMP, +apostrophising her absent friend. "For I'm in no mood for waiting, I do +assure you. I'm easy pleased, but I must have my own way (as is always +the best and wisest), and have it directly minit, when the fancy strikes +me, else we shall part, and that not friendly, as I could wish, but +bearin' malice in our 'arts." + + * * * + +"BETSEY," said Mrs. GAMP, "I will now propoge a toast. My frequent +pardner, BETSEY PRIG!" + +"Which, altering the name to SAIRAH GAMP, I drink," said Mrs. PRIG, +"with love and tenderness!" + +"Now, SAIRAH," said Mrs. PRIG, "jining business with pleasure, as so +often we've done afore, wot is this bothersome affair about which you +wants to consult me? _Are_ you a-goin' to call me over the Carpet once +more, SAIREY?" + +"Drat the Carpet!" exclaimed Mrs. GAMP, with a vehement explosiveness +whose utter unexpectedness quite disconcerted her friend. + +"_Is_ it Mrs. HARRIS?" inquired Mrs. PRIG, solemnly. + +"Yes, BETSY PRIG, it _is_," snapped Mrs. GAMP, angrily, "that very +person herself, and no other, which, after twenty years of trust, I +never know'd nor never expected to, which it 'urts a feeling 'art even +to name her name as henceforth shall be nameless betwixt us twain." + +"Oh, shall it?" retorted Mrs. PRIG, shortly. "Why bless the woman, if +_I_'d said that, you'd ha' bitten the nose off my face, as is your +nature to, as the poick says." + +"Don't you say nothink against poicks, BETSEY, and I'll say nothink +against musicians," retorted Mrs. GAMP, mysteriously. + +"Oh! then it _was_ to call me over the Carpet that you sent for me so +sudden and peremptory?" rejoined Mrs. PRIG, with a smile. + +"DRAT THE CARPET!!!" again ejaculated Mrs. GAMP, with astonishing +fierceness. "Wot do _you_ know about the Carpet, BETSEY?" + +"Why nothink at all, my dear; nor don't want to," replied Mrs. PRIG, +with surprise. + +"Oh!" retorted Mrs. GAMP, "you don't, don't you? Well, then, I _do_, and +it's time you did likewise, if pardners we are to remain who 'ave +pardners been so long." + +Mrs. PRIG muttered something not quite audible, but which sounded +suspiciously like, "'Ard wuck!" + +"Which share and share alike is my mortar," continued Mrs. GAMP; "that +as bin my princerple, and I've found it pay. But Injin Carpets for our +mutual 'ome, of goldiun lustre and superfluos shine, as tho' we wos +Arabian Knights, I cannot and I will not stand. It is the last stror as +camels could not forgive. No, BETSEY," added Mr. GAMP, in a violent +burst of feeling, "nor crokydiles forget!" + +"Bother your camels, and your crokydiles too!" retorted Mrs. PRIG, with +indifference. "Wy, SAIREY, wot a tempest in a teapot, to be sure!" + +Mrs. GAMP looked at her with amazement, incredulity, and indignation. +"Wot!" she with difficulty ejaculated. "A--tempest--in--a--Teapot!! And +does BETSEY PRIG, my pardner for so many years, call her friend a +Teapot, and decline to take up SAIREY'S righteous quarrel with a Mrs. +HARRIS?" + +Then Mrs. PRIG, smiling more scornfully, and folding her arms still +tighter, uttered these memorable and tremendous words,-- + +"Wy, certainly she does, SAIREY GAMP; _most_ certainly she does. Wich I +don't believe there's either rhyme or reason in sech an absurd quarrel!" +After the utterance of which expressions she leaned forward, and snapped +her fingers, and then rose to put on her bonnet, as one who felt that +there was now a gulf between them which nothing could ever bridge +across. + + * * * * * + +THE PATIENT AT PLAY. + +_Adviser._ Have you ever been present at a performance of _The Dead +Heart_? + +_Patient._ No; and I know nothing of a _Tale of Two Cities_. + +_A._ Then surely you are well acquainted with _All for Her_? + +_P._ I regret to reply in the negative. + +_A._ Perhaps, you have seen the vision in _The Bells_, or the _Corsican +Brothers_? + +_P._ Alas! I am forced to confess I am familiar with neither! + +_A._ Dear me! This is very sad! Strange! I will give you a prescription. +Go to _Paul Kauvar_. You will then be provided with a thoroughly +enjoyable mixture. + + [_Exit Patient to Drury Lane, where he passes a delightful evening._ + + * * * * * + +NELLIE AT THE SODGERIES. + +(_Another Legend of the Royal Military Exhibition._) + +[Illustration] + +THE Lady once more left her frame in the Club Morning Room. + +"So I was wrong," she murmured, as she wended her way towards the now +familiar spot. "Poor NELLIE, after all, was _not_ forgotten. I am glad +of it,--very glad indeed!" + +And the flesh tints of Sir PETER LELY'S paint-brush brightened, as a +smile played across the canvas features. + +"I' faith! the Military gentlemen are gallants, one and all! To be sure! +Then how would it be possible that the foundress of a hospital should be +overlooked? And one as comely as myself!" + +So, well pleased, she journeyed on. As she reached the river, there was +quite a crowd,--people were coming by rail, and boat, and omnibus. It +was quite like the olden days of the Exhibitions at South Kensington. +She passed through the turnstiles, and then found the cause of the +excitement. There were all sorts of good things. A gallery full of +pictures, and relics of battles ancient and modern, a museum of +industrial work, a collection of everything interesting to a soldier. In +the grounds were balloons, and fireworks, assaults at arms, and the best +military bands. At length the Lady from the frame in the Club Morning +Room stood before a portrait showing a good-natured face and a comely +presence. + +"And so there I am! And in my hands a model of the Hospital hard-by! +'Gad zooks!' as poor dear ROWLEY used to say, I have no cause for +complaint! I thank those kind hearts who can find good in +everything,--even in poor NELLIE!" + +And, thoroughly satisfied at the treatment she had received at the +Sodgeries, Mistress NELL GWYNNE returned to her haunt in the Club +Morning Room. + + * * * * * + +A GLEE QUARTETTE.--Welcome to the Meister Glee Singers. Mr. SAXON, in +spite of his name, is by no means brutal, though he might be pardoned +for being so when he sees his colleague Mr. SAXTON suiting everybody to +a T. Mr. HAST has just as much speed as is necessary, and the fourth +gentleman should be neither angry NORCROSS, since he always sings in +tune. 'Tis a mad world, my Meisters, but, mad or not, we shall always be +glad to hear your glees. + + * * * * * + +AT THE DENTIST'S.--"_It won't hurt you in the least, and it will be out +before you know where you are_;" _i.e._, "You will suffer in the one +minute and thirty-nine seconds I am tugging at your jaw, all the +concentrated agony of forty-eight continuous hours of wrenching your +crushed and tortured body off your staring and staggered head." + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Wednesday._--Great Day everywhere. _Mr. Punch_ appears. Crowds in Fleet +Street. The Numbers up in the Office Window. Receptions, alarums, (eight +day) excursions (there and back) to meet H.M. STANLEY. Curfew at dusk. +No followers allowed. + +_Thursday._--Crowds out to meet H. M. STANLEY. Mrs. NEMO'S sixth and +last dance to meet Mr. H. M. STANLEY, as he hasn't been to any of the +others. + +_Friday._--Lecture by Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM on "the block system," in the +time of CHARLES THE FIRST. Admission by entrances only. + +_Saturday._--Centenary Celebration of a lot of things. Review of the +events of the past month in Hyde Park, by the Editor of the _Nineteenth +Century_, to meet Mr. STANLEY. Ceremony of conferring the Order of the +Adelphi on H. M. STANLEY, by Messrs. GATTI. + +_Sunday._--Short services from Dover to Calais. No sermon. Collection in +Hyde Park. H. M. STANLEY goes to meet somebody else for a change. + +_Monday._--Expedition to find H. M. STANLEY. + +_Tuesday._--Readings of the Barometer, and lecture on hot-house plants +and French grapes, by Sir SOMERS VINE. At Tattersall's, Lecture on the +approaching "Eve of the Derby," and the female dark races. + + * * * * * + +It has been finally settled that Mr. PHIL GORMAN, who will be remembered +in connection with the catering department at all the public dinners +held of late years in Sloshfield, is to be the next incumbent of the +highest municipal office in that prosperous borough. Mrs. GORMAN is a +daughter of the celebrated local poet, JAMES POSH, whose verse still +occasionally adorns the _Sloshfield Standard_. + + * * * * * + +A remarkable incident is stated to have taken place at Lady B----'s +fancy dress ball. A gentleman, wearing the gorgeous costume of a +Venetian Senator of the _renaissance_ period, somewhat awkwardly +entangled his spurs in the flowing train of a beautiful _debutante_, +dressed to represent Diana the Huntress. Some of those in the immediate +vicinity of the ill-used goddess aver that she was distinctly heard to +say, "Pig!". Those who know her better declare, however, that, with her +usual politeness, she merely remarked, "I _beg_ your pardon." Hence the +misconception, which is certainly pardonable. + + * * * * * + +The trees in the Park are now assuming their brightest verdure. It is +interesting to note that the number of sparrows shows no signs of +diminution. + + * * * * * + +Excellent subject Sir ARTHUR has chosen for his serious +opera--_Ivanhoe_. It is now finally settled that the part of _Rowena_ +will not be entrusted to Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL. It is whispered that the +great effect will be the song of _Isaac of York_, magnificently +orchestrated for fifteen Jews' harps, played by lads all under the age +of twelve. They have already commenced practice under the eye of Sir +ARTHUR, who himself is no unskilled performer on the ancient lyre of +JUBAL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MODERN PISTOL. + +"BASE IS THE SLAVE THAT PAYS!"] + + * * * * * + +A RUM CUSTOMER. + +[Illustration] + +THEY have bin so jolly busy lately at the "Grand Hotel," and a reel +grand Hotel it is too, that they wanted sum assistence in the werry +himportant line of Waiters; so they werry naterally sent for me, and in +course I went, and a werry nice cumferal place it is for ewerybody, both +Waiters and Wisiters, and I can trewly say as I aint had not a singel +complaint since I have been here. + +Well, one day a young Swell came a sauntering in, about 4 o'clock, and +wanted to know if he cood have a lunch for a gentleman, and in the +hansomest room as there was in the house. Of course I was ekal to the +ocashun, and told him, yes, he coud, and not only in the hansomest room +in that house but in the hansomest room in Lundon, and I at wunce showed +him into our Marble Pillow Room, which I coud see at a glarnce made a +werry deep impression on his mind, which I was not at all surprized at, +for it is about as near a approach to Paradise as you can resonably +expect so werry near the Strand. + +So I sets him down at a sweet little round table, and I puts a lovely +gold candlestick on it, with two darling little cherubs a climing up it, +jest as if they was a going for to lite the candle, and then he horders +his simple luncheon, which it was jest a cup of our shuperior chocolate +and two xquisite little beef and am sandwitches, and wile he eat and +drank 'em he arsked me sech lots of questyuns as farely estonished me. +Such as, how much did the four Marbel Pillows cost? So I said, about 200 +pound, for I allers thinks as an hed Waiter should be reddy to anser any +question as he is arsked, weather he knos anythink about it or not. + +Then he wanted to know where we got all our bewtifool flowers from, and +I told him as we had 'em in fresh every morning from the South of France +along with our Shampane, which was made a purpose for us by the most +sellebrated makers, and consisted of two sorts, wiz.: dry for the +higneramuses and rich for the connysewers. So he ordered a bottle of the +latter, and drunk two glasses of it, and then acshally made me drink one +two, and sed as it was the finest as he had ewer tasted. He then asked +me what made us line all the room with such bewtifool looking glass, and +I told him as it was by order of most of the most bewtifoolest Ladys in +Lundon, who came to dine there wunce or twice every week. So he said as +how he shood drop in now and then to see 'em, for he thort as they gave +a sort of relish to a good dinner. He then got up, and saying as he +didn't want not no Bill, he throwed down a soverain and saying, "I shall +allus know where to cum to when I wants a reelly ellegant lunch, in a +reelly ellegant room, and to be waited on by a reelly respectful +Waiter," went away. + +And now cums the strangest part of the hole affair, for presently in +rushes our most gentlemanly Manager, and he says, says he, "Do you know, +ROBERT, who that was as you've bin a waiting on?" "No, Sir!" says I. +"Why it's no other than the young ----" But wild hosses shan't tear the +name and title from me, as I was forbid to menshun it; but all I can say +is, that if it was known when he was a coming next time, there wood be +sich a crowd to see him as ewen our bewtifool Marble Pillow Room +wouldn't hold. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +REPORTED ACCIDENT TO A COLONEL AND AN ALDERMAN.--Members of the Ancient +Corporation will do well to open their Royal Academy Guide very +cautiously, at least when they come to the Sculpture Department, as, if +come upon suddenly, their nervous system would receive a severe shock +from the following announcement:--"2023. Colonel W. H. WILKIN--bust." We +are glad to say that the worthy and gallant Alderman has pulled himself +together, and is uncommonly well. By the way, it is but fair to the +sculptor to state that his name is--ahem!--"WALKER." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ANTEDILUVIAN SURVIVAL. + +_AEsthetic Party (looking over Furnished House)._ "A--I'M AFRAID, MY +LOVE, THAT THIS IS THE KIND OF DINING-ROOM--A--IN WHICH ONE WOULD FEEL +THAT ONE OUGHT TO DINE AT SIX O'CLOCK!!!"] + + * * * * * + +"NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS." + +_Leo Britannicus, loquitur_;-- + + GOOD Gentlemen both, you're on opposite tacks! + Well, your plans you are perfectly welcome to try on. + They talk of the patience of lambs, or park hacks; + They're not in it, my lads, with an elderly Lion. + A Lion, I mean, of the genuine breed, + And not a thin-skinned and upstart adolescent. + Dear me! did I let everybody succeed + In stirring me up, or in making things pleasant, + By smoothing me down in a flattering style, + I'd have, there's no doubt, a delectable time of it. + You think I look drowsy, and smile a fat smile; + Well, what if I do? Where's the very great crime of it? + A Lion, you know, is not all roar and ramp, + So, STANLEY my hero, why worry and chivey? + Mere blarney won't blind me; I'm not of that stamp; + So don't hope to hypnotise _me_, good CAPRIVI. + Why, bless you, my boys, long before you were cubbed + I was charged, by your betters, with being too lazy; + But rivals have found, when outwitted or drubbed, + That a calm waiting game is not always so crazy. + In Indian jungles, American plains, + And far Eastern wilds, they have fancied me "bested," + Because, when hot rivals were hungry for gains, + I kept my eyes open, and patiently rested. + A stolid and sleepy expression _will_ steal + At times, I'm aware, o'er my leonine features; + But, when the time's ripe, my opponents may feel + I'm _not_ the most easily humbugged of creatures. + In North as in South, in the East as the West, + Opponents _have_ planted their paws down before me. + But where are they now, boys? _J'y suis, j'y reste!_ + Staying power is the thing; so don't bully and bore me. + + I hear you, my STANLEY, I hear you and mark; + To snub you for patriot zeal were ungracious; + But--well, after all, on your Continent Dark + My footprints are plain, and my realm's pretty spacious. + I don't mean to say that a purblind content + My power should palsy, my policy dominate, + And Congos and Khartoums that pay cent. per cent. + Are tempting, but arrogant haste I abominate. + My "prancing proconsuls" not _always_ are right, + Whose first and last word for old Leo is "collar!" + I'm not going to flare up like fury and fight + Every time someone else wins an acre or dollar. + But if you imagine I'm out of the hunt + Every time I take breath, you are vastly mistaken: + I know you're a brick, and like language that's blunt; + Well, Lions sleep lightly, and readily waken! + + For you, friend CAPRIVI, your manners are nice, + Your style of caressing is verily charming; + How soothingly sweet is your placid advice, + Your mild deprecation is almost disarming; + Almost, but not quite, for 'tis true Teuton law + That unfailing defence is the root of the matter; + And Leo is fully aware tooth and claw + Must not be _talked off_ e'en by friendlies who flatter. + + Your prod, my good STANLEY, CAPRIVI, your pat, + Are politic both; I've an eye upon each of you. + The lids may look lazy, but don't trust to that; + I watch, and I wait, and I weigh the 'cute speech of you. + I do not mind learning from both of your books, + But though you may think Leo given to slumber, + He may not be quite such a slug as he looks, + As rivals have found, dear boys, times out of number! + + * * * * * + +AMONGST Cambridge cricketers Mr. GOSLING and Mr. HENFREY may be trusted +to avoid duck's eggs. Mr. ROWELL prefers to bat well; and Mr. LEESE +wishes he had a freehold when he is at the wickets. With WOODS, a HILL, +a (STREAT)FIELD, a (BERES)FORD and a (COTTE)RILL, there's plenty of +variety about FENNER'S ground at present. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS!" + +H. M. STANLEY. "NOW THEN, STOOPID! KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!!"] + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer._) + +No. XII.--THE POOR LADY BOUNTIFUL. + +[Illustration] + +POVERTY is commonly supposed to be a bar to all generosity and enjoyment +of life. Perhaps this may be true of a certain class. But there is a +kind of genteel and not unfashionable poverty with regard to which it is +mainly false. A poor lady, for instance, who is afflicted with an +overmastering charitable impulse, and is blessed with energy, will use +this bar of poverty as a lever with which to move the bounty of her +friends, in order that she herself may appear bountiful, and, as a rule, +her efforts in this direction will be crowned with a success that would +be phenomenal, if it were not so common. The history of her earlier +years is easily written. Whilst still a child, she begins a collecting +career, by being entrusted, on behalf of a church building fund, with a +card divided into "bricks," each brick being valued at the price of +half-a-crown. Her triumphs in inducing her relations and their friends +to become purchasers of these minute and valueless squares of cardboard +are great, and the consideration she acquires on all hands as a +precocious charitable agent is very acceptable even to her childish +mind. + +Her profession having thus been determined, she devotes herself with an +unflagging ardour to the task of diminishing the available assets of +those with whom she may be brought in contact. Her parents, who are not +overburdened with riches, look on at first with amusement, and +afterwards with the dismay which any excess of zeal always arouses in +the British breast. Their protests, however, fall upon deaf ears, and +they adopt an attitude of severe neutrality, in the hope that years and +a husband may bring wisdom to their daughter. + +This does not save them from being made involuntary sharers in her +charitable iniquities. Her father wakes one morning to find himself +famous to the amount of one pound ten, contributed under the name of "A +Cruel Parent," to the Amalgamated Society for the Reform of Rag-pickers, +and his wife at the same time is made indignant by the discovery that +she figures for twelve-and-sixpence, as "A Mother who ought to be +Proud," in the balance-sheet of the United Charwomen's Home Reading +Association. Further inquiry reveals the fact that the former sum +resulted from the sale by the daughter to an advertising Old Clothes' +Merchant of two of her father's suits, which, although they had seen +service, he had not yet resolved to discard; and the result is the +dismissal of the family butler, who had connived in the transaction. The +twelve-and-sixpence had been formed gradually by the accumulation of +stray coppers and postage-stamps, which her mother was accustomed to +leave about on her writing-table, without the least intention that they +should be devoted to charity. The parents expostulate in vain. The +consciousness that she has diverted to objects, which she believes to be +admirable, money that might have been unworthily spent, steels the heart +of their daughter against their remonstrances, nor can she be induced to +believe that, in thus taking upon herself to interpret or to correct the +intentions of her parents, she has done wrong. + +Matters, however, are thus brought to a crisis. Her home becomes +unendurable to her, and she accepts the offer of marriage made by a +subordinate, and not very highly paid official, in one of the +Departments of the Civil Service. Her parents pronounce their blessing, +and rejoice in an event which promises them an immunity from many +annoyances. + +The marriage duly takes place, but it is soon evident that the poor Lady +Bountiful will not allow her change of condition to make any difference +to the vigour and persistency of her charitable appeals. She continues +the old firm and the old business under a new name, and takes advantage +of her independence to enlarge immensely the field of her operations. No +bazaar can be organised without her and as a stall-holder she is +absolutely unrivalled. Missions, teas, treats, penny dinners, sea-side +excursions, the building of halls, the endowment of a bishopric, the +foundation of a flannel club, all depend upon her inexhaustible energy +in begging. Nor is she satisfied with public institutions. Private +applicants of all kinds gather about her. Destitute but undeserving +widows, orphans who have brought the grey hairs of their parents to the +grave, old soldiers and stranded foreigners batten upon her capacity for +taking advantage of her friends. For it must be well understood that the +restricted limits of her husband's means and his parsimony prevent her +from contributing anything herself to her innumerable schemes except a +lavish expenditure of pens and ink and paper with which to set forth her +appeals. Yet in this she is a true altruist. For she knows and tells +everybody how delightful and blessed it is to give, and accordingly in +the purest spirit of self-denial she permits her friends to dispense the +cash, whilst she herself is satisfied with the credit. + +Like a mighty river, she receives the offerings of innumerable tributary +streams, which lose their identity in hers, and are swept away under her +name, to be finally merged in the great ocean of charitable effort. Who +does not know, that it was mainly owing to her indefatigable efforts, +that the new wing was added to the Disabled District Visitors' Refuge, +and who has not seen at least one of the many subscription lists to +which "per Mrs. So-and-So" invariably contributed the largest amount? Is +it not also on record that at the reception which followed the public +opening of this wing, when the collecting ladies advanced to deposit +their collections at the feet of presiding Royalty, it was the Poor Lady +Bountiful who brought the largest, the most beautifully embroidered and +the fullest purse? It was felt on all hands, that "the dear Princess" +had only done what an English Princess might properly be expected to do, +when she afterwards, under the inspiration of the cunning Vicar, +showered a few words of golden public praise into the palpitating bosom +of the champion purse-bearer. + +And thus her time is spent. When she is not organising a refuge she is +setting on its legs a dinner fund, when she has exhausted the patience +of her friends on behalf of her particular tame widow, she can always +begin afresh with a poverty-stricken refugee, and if the delights of the +ordinary subscription-card should ever pall, she can fly for relaxation +to the seductive method of the snowball, which conceals under a cloak of +geometrical progression and accuracy, the most comprehensive uncertainty +in its results. One painful incident in her career must be chronicled. +Fired by her example, but without her knowledge, a friend of hers from +whom she is accustomed to solicit subscriptions, steps down to do battle +on her own account in the charitable arena. And thus, when next the Poor +Lady Bountiful makes an appeal in this quarter on behalf of a Siberian +Count, whom she declares to be quite a gentleman in his own country, she +is met by the declaration, that further relief is impossible, as her +friend has a Bulgarian of her own to attend to. Thus there is an end of +friendship, and both parties scatter dreadful insinuations as to the +necessity for an audit of accounts. Eventually it happens that a rich +and distant relation of her husband dies, and leaves him unexpectedly an +income of several thousands a-year. Having thus lost all her poverty, +she retires from the fitful fever of charitable life to the serene +enjoyment of a substantial income, and awaits, with a fortitude that no +collector is suffered to disturb, the approach of a non-subscribing and +peaceful old age. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_Hard Luck_, by ARTHUR A BECKETT, begins a trifle slow, but works up to +an exciting climax, of which the secret is so profoundly kept, up till +the very last moment, that not the most experienced in sensational plots +would discover it. Capitally managed. It is one of the Arrowsmith +Series, and a genuinely artistic shilling shocker. + +_A Black Business._ By HAWLEY SMART. Uncommonly smart of him bringing it +out just at this time, when the talk everywhere is about the Slave +Trade, the struggle for Colonial life, STANLEY, and the Very Darkest +Africa. There's Black Business enough about. Smart chap HAWLEY. + +The only thing I've to say against the _Remarks of Bill Nye_, in one +volume, says the Baron, is the size of the book, which is as big as a +family Bible. Nowadays, when busy men can only snatch a few seconds _en +route_, the handy volume is the only really practicable form of +literature. I'd rather have three small pocketable volumes of BILL NYE'S +essays and stories than this one cumbersome work, which, once on the +shelf, runs a pretty good chance of being left there. The majority of +BILL NYE'S sayings are very amusing, and one of his short papers shows +that the humorist can be pathetic on occasion without falling into mock +sentiment. It is published by NEELY, of New York, and, if reduced in +bulk, the _Remarks of Bill Nye_ ought to do very well here, even among +those who, for want of familiarity with American slang, do not keenly +appreciate American humour. The Baron does appreciate it when it is +genuine American humour, but when the peculiar style is only copied by a +journalistic 'ARRY, with whom the stupidest and most vulgar Yankeeisms +pass for the highest wit, simply because they are Yankeeisms, then for +this sort of imitation the Baron has no criticism sufficiently severe. + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.--ROYAL ACADEMY. + +[Illustration: No. 551. Two Tales of a Tiger. Advertisement for new +Romance by Rider Laggard and Andrew Hang.] + +[Illustration: No. 216. "Walk up! Walk up! Just a goin' to begin'!" + +[Probably from a contemporary wood engraving of Whitehall, 1649, which +settles the question as to whether there was a "block" or not.]] + +[Illustration: "HANSOM!" + +No. 1,962 hailing the Cab of the Desert (No. 1,958).] + +[Illustration: No. 24. "You naughty boy! You've been making a snowball, +and then tumbled down and hurt yourself!"] + +[Illustration: No. 779. The Timid Hare and the Terrible Tortoise.] + + * * * * * + +OUT AND ABOUT. + +SIR,--I have been about, according to your instructions, and I have come +back with a mixed notion that somewhere in the dawn of history the Queen +of SHEBA, scantily dressed, and attended by her black Chamberlain, drove +out on a four-horse parcel-post van to see an exhibition of paintings on +china at Messrs. HOWELL AND JAMES'S. It is perfectly true that in the +course of my wanderings I had some champagne, but _not a drop of +chicken_. Consequently, I have brought my critical faculty home with me +entirely unimpaired. But to business. + +Mr. E. J. POYNTER has painted a noble picture of the meeting of SOLOMON +and the Queen of SHEBA, and Mr. T. MCLEAN exhibits it at 7, Haymarket. I +once saw a picture of this Queen on an ancient corner-cupboard; that was +in early childhood, and the Queen of those days was a very Dutch Lady. +Mr. POYNTER'S is quite unlike that one; in fact, she is extremely +beautiful. But why is she overcome? SOLOMON might have been pardoned for +blushing when he saw her, but he takes it quite as a matter of course. +The black Chamberlain is evidently not a lord, otherwise he would have +been more careful about his Queen's dress. There are harps, peacocks, +golden lions, luscious fruits, monkeys, marble steps, and gorgeous +pillars, to complete the picture. Curiously enough, the other ladies do +not seem to care for the newly-arrived Queen. Bravo, POYNTER! A great +picture! + +After this I hurried to the painted China Exhibition at HOWELL AND +JAMES'S; very delicate, very graceful, and very refined. "_A Wild +Corner_" by G. LEONCE, "_Blue Tits_" by Miss SALISBURY--sure to make her +Mark(is),--two landscapes by A. FISHER (who needs no rod) struck me +particularly, but did not hurt me much. And so to the wilds of Finsbury +(14, Castle Street) where Messrs. McNAMARA were exhibiting the Postal +Vehicles to be used at the Penny Postage Jubilee Celebration. I've +already ordered two four-horse parcel vans, three two-horse, and two +one-horse mail-carts for my private use, _and have told Messrs. M. to +put them down to you, Sir_. I couldn't resist it. They said it would be +all right. Please make it so. I am told, that no _females_ are employed +in these vehicles. Another injustice. I should like to ride in a lovely +red carriage for ever. Yours, + + LE PETIT SHOWS. + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +THERE has been lately some racing at Kempton and various other places, +as to which, I ought perhaps to say a few words. Not that I acknowledge +a right in anyone to dictate to me how and when I shall notice matters +connected with the turf. The Bedlamites who mouth and gibber about +horses and their owners, as if they were in the constant habit of living +on terms of familiar intimacy with the aristocracy, instead of being, as +they probably are, the dumpling-headed parasites of touts and +stable-boys, are entitled only to the contempt of every decent man who +knows anything about what he professes to understand. At any rate, they +have mine. My knowledge of the Kempton Course dates back at least fifty +years. To be sure, it was not at that time a racecourse, but was mostly +ploughed fields and thickets. But if the anserous and asinine +mooncalves, whose high priest is Mr. JEREMY, suppose that that fact in +any way weakens the authority with which I may claim to speak on the +subject, I can only assure them, that they prove themselves fit inmates +for the various asylums from which they ought never to have been +withdrawn. I never thought much of _Philomel_. Ten years ago, I +observed, with regard to this animal, "_Philomel_ must be watched. There +is no knowing what a course of podophyllin and ginger might not do. +Failing that, I should feel inclined to say, buncombe." Mr. J. says, +this was a different mare. What of that? In turf matters the name is +everything, and I am therefore justified in citing this as one of the +most extraordinary instances of prescience known to the turf world. + +_Megatherium_, I notice, has many admirers. As a horizontal bar, or +possibly as a clothes-line, he might have merits, but as a horse, I must +confess, he has little to recommend him. When _Loblolly Boy_ cantered +home for the East End Weight-for-age Welter Handicap, I said that the +son of _Rattlesnake_ could make mince-meat of all his rivals. Since then +he has made for his owner L5,000,000 in added money, at an initial +expense of twopence halfpenny for saveloys and onions, a combination of +which this splendid animal is particularly fond. _Loblolly Boy_ was by +_Rowdy_ out of _Hoyden_, and his pedigree mounts up to _Sallycomeup_, +_Kissmequick_, and _Curate on Toast_, whilst in the collateral line he +can claim kinship with _Artaxerxes_ and _Devil's Dustpan_. In the +Margate Open Sweepstakes, he ran second to _Daddy_, when the sea was as +smooth as an old halfcrown. If there had been wind enough to blow out a +wooden match, he must have won in a common hand-gallop. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. + +_Maud (on crossing the boundary between Hertfordshire and the +neighbouring county, in which the Muzzling Order does not prevail)._ +"THAT'S RIGHT! OFF WITH HIS MUZZLE! SO MUCH FOR _BUCKINGHAM!_"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 12._--"If a shutter be closed in the +daytime," said OLD MORALITY, a little abruptly, as we walked down to +House to-day, "the stream of light piercing through the crevice seems to +be in constant agitation. Why is this?" + +Hadn't slightest idea. Suggested Right Hon. Gentleman had better give +notice of question. + +[Illustration: "Can't a-bear verbosity."] + +"I can tell you why," he proceeded, with unwonted perturbation. "Because +little motes and particles of dust, thrown into agitation by the +convective currents of the air, are made visible by the strong beam of +light thrown into the room through the crevice of the shutter. That's +just the way with us, dear TOBY; _a_ is the hatred of Government by the +Opposition, the strong desire to take our places; _b_ is the convective +currents of air which agitate the political atmosphere; _c_ is the +Compensation Bill, the strong beam of light which, thrown into House +through crevice opened by JOKIM, makes the whole thing clear. Don't know +whether _I_ am; but if you reflect on the situation, you'll find there +is much in what I say. We were going along moderately well. Irish Land +Bill, of course, a rock ahead; everyone takes that into account. +Suddenly JOKIM, spoiling for a fight, goes and invents this Compensation +Bill, quietly hands it over to RITCHIE to work through, and all the +greasy compound is in the devouring element. Seems a pity we could not +leave the tolerably satisfactory undisturbed. Now we're in for it. +Meetings out-of-doors; opposition in-doors; prospect of getting on with +ordinary work of Session receding into distance." + +Good deal of truth in what OLD MORALITY says. House crowded to-night; +full of seething excitement. RITCHIE moved Second Reading of +Compensation Bill; CAINE moved Amendment, eliminating principle of +compensation. Capital speech; would have been better if it had been half +an hour shorter. Between them, RITCHIE and CAINE occupied nearly three +hours of sitting, leaving five hours for the remaining 668 Members. + +"This is not debate," protested SHAW-LEFEVRE, sternly! "it is preaching; +why cannot a man be concise? Concision, if I may coin a word, is the +soul of argument. My old friend DIZZY used to say to me, 'SHAW, what I +admire about LEFEVRE is his terseness. If you want a man to say in +twenty minutes everything that, from his point of view, is to be spoken +on a given subject, SHAW-LEFEVRE is the man.' That was, perhaps, a too +flattering view to take; but there's something in it, and it makes me, +perhaps naturally, impatient of a man who wanders round his subject for +an hour and a half." + +_Business done._--Debate on Compensation opened. + +_Tuesday._--"Heard something about good man struggling with adversity," +said Member for Sark, looking at RATHBONE. "Nothing to goody goody man +struggling with manuscript of his speech." + +RATHBONE certainly a melancholy spectacle. Evidently had spent his +nights and days in preparation of speech on Compensation Bill; brought +it down in large quarto notes. OLD MORALITY glanced across House with +sudden access of interest; thought it was a copy-book; Speech evidently +highly prized at rehearsals in family circle. + +"I think," said RATHBONE, complacently, "before I sit down I shall show +you that the view I take is correct." + +This remark interjected early in speech; proved rather a favourite. +Whenever RATHBONE got more than usually muddled, looked round nervously +at empty Benches, nodded confidentially to Mace, and remarked, "Before I +sit down I think I shall show you----" What it was he meant to show, no +one quite certain. ELLIOT LEES, who followed, assumed with reckless +light-heartedness of youth, that he meant to show before he sat down, +that the more public-houses licensed, the less drunkenness. + +"That," said RATHBONE, with unaccustomed flash of intelligent speech, +"was exactly the reverse of what I undertook to show the House." + +Would have gone on pretty well only for (1) the Accountant, and (2) +SINCLAIR. Whatever it was RATHBONE was going to show before he sat down, +he had fortified himself in his position by opinion of a sworn +Accountant. Conversations with this Accountant set forth at length. +RATHBONE appears to have been kept by the Accountant in state of +constant surprise. "Let's take two places in the country," he said, in +one of the more lucid passages. "Well, there are only 360 public-houses +in Leeds. Sheffield has 400 public-houses in proportion to population, +whereas Bradford hasn't 160. Well, I was so much struck with this, that +I wanted to know whether there were any reasons for it. So I applied to +the Accountant--_without telling him my object_--which really was," he +added, nodding quite briskly at the Mace, "to know whether there was +more drunkenness in Leeds or Sheffield. He said at once, that Leeds was +the most. Then I said to the Accountant 'I don't care about your +individual cases, let's take the average. Let's take Birmingham.'" + +[Illustration: "----but not clear."] + +Afterwards Blackburn and Stockport were "taken"--"As if they were goes +of gin," said the Member for Sark; RATHBONE turning over papers, which +appeared to have got upside down, recited heaps of figures. These struck +him the more he studied them. Anonymous Accountant seemed to have +brought him completely under a spell. His highly respectable appearance, +his evident earnestness, his accumulated mass of figures, his engagement +of the Accountant, the tone of his voice, his general attitude, all +conveyed impression that he was really saying something intelligible and +useful. The few Members present honestly endeavoured to follow him; +might have got a clue only for SINCLAIR. + +At end of first half-hour RATHBONE began to show signs of distress. +SINCLAIR thought he was signalling for water; prepared to go for glass; +something wrong; RATHBONE violently agitated; nodding and winking and +pointing to recess under bench before him. House now really excited. +Began to think that perhaps the Accountant was hidden down there. If he +could be only got up, might explain matters. SINCLAIR sharing general +agitation, dived under seat; reappeared attempting to secrete small +medicine bottle, apparently containing milk-punch; drew cork with +difficulty; poured out dose, handed it to RATHBONE. RATHBONE gulped it +down; smacked his lips; much refreshed; evidently good for another hour. + +"I said to the Accountant," he continued, "if the Magistrates of +Sheffield had indiced these lorcences--I mean endorsed those +licences----." + +Off again, wading with the Accountant knee-deep in figures from Leeds to +Sheffield, back to Birmingham, across to Liverpool, on to York, with +occasional sips of milk-punch. A wonderful performance that held in +breathless attention few Members present to hear it. + +"It is magnificent," said the Member for Sark; "but it isn't clear." + +_Business done._--RATHBONE'S great speech on the Licensing Question. + +_Wednesday._--Quite lively for Wednesday afternoon. At outset, +apparently nothing particular in wind. Irish Members had first three +places on Agenda, but that nothing unusual. Prospect was, that Debate on +their first Bill, appropriating Irish Church Fund to provide Dwellings +for Agricultural Labourers, would occupy whole of Sitting; be divided on +just before half-past five. To make sure, AKERS-DOUGLAS issued Whip to +Ministerialists, urging them to be in their places as early as four. + +"Never know what the Bhoys will do," he said, sagely. "Like to be on the +safe side. Division at five, so be here at four." + +The Bhoys came down in great force at one o'clock; only a score or so of +Ministerialists visible. Fox rose to move Second Reading of Bill. Good +for an hour if necessary. Long JOHN O'CONNOR, that Eiffel Tower of +patriotism, ready to Second Motion, in a discourse of ninety minutes. + +"May as well make an afternoon of it," he says, gazing round the +expectant but empty Benches opposite. + +FOX just started, when happy thought struck Irish Members. If they +divided at once, before Ministerial majority arrived, could carry Second +Reading; so Brer FOX doubled, and in ten minutes got back home. Long +JOHN folded himself up, till casual passer-by might have mistaken him +for PICTON. Conservatives, not ready for this manoeuvre, dumfounded. +Division imminent; only thing to be done was to make speeches till four +o'clock and majority arrived. Everybody available pressed into service. +CHARLES LEWIS, coming up breathless, declared that "promoters of Bill, +wished by a side-stab in the wind of the Government"--he meant by a +side-wind--"to stab the Measure on the same subject the Government had +brought forward." + +That was better; though how you stab by a side-wind not explained. +Prince ARTHUR threw himself languidly into fray. Talked up to quarter +past three; majority beginning to trickle in, T. W. RUSSELL moved +Adjournment of Debate. Defeated by 94 votes against 68. Irish Members +evidently in majority of 26. Prince ARTHUR, with eye nervously watching +door, wished that night or BLUCHER would come. Neither arriving, stepped +aside, letting Irish Members carry their Bill; which they did, amid +tumultuous cheering. + +"It's of no consequence, I assure you," Prince ARTHUR said, quoting _Mr. +Toots_ when he inadvertently sat down on _Florence Dombey's_ best +bonnet. "They may carry their Bill, but we'll take the money." + +_Business done._--Irish Members out-manoeuvre Government. + +_Friday._--Second Reading of Compensation Bill carried at early hour +this morning, after dull debate. Morning Sitting to-day for Supply. +Duller than ever. Dullest of all, JOKIM on Treasury Bench in charge of +Estimates. + +[Illustration: Sympathy.] + +"Yes, TOBY," he said, in reply to sympathetic greeting, "I _am_ a little +hipped; situation growing too heavy for me. Patriotism all very well; +public spirit desirable; self-abnegation, as OLD MORALITY says, is the +seed of virtue. But you may carry spirit of self-sacrifice too far. Read +my speech at dinner to HARTINGTON, of course? Put it in the right light, +don't you think? We Dissentient Liberals, as they call us, are the +Paschal Lambs of politics; except that, instead of being offered up as +sacrifice, we offer up ourselves. Still there are degrees. HARTINGTON +given up something; CHAMBERLAIN chucked himself away; JAMES might have +been on the Woolsack. But think of me, dear TOBY, and all I've +sacrificed. Four years ago a private Member, adrift from my Party; no +chance of reinstatement; not even sure of a seat. Now Chancellor of the +Exchequer, with L5000 a-year, and a pick of safe seats. Too much to +expect of me, TOBY; sometimes more than I can bear;" and JOKIM hid his +face in his copy of the Orders of the Day, whilst THEODORE FRY looking +on, was dissolved in tears. + +_Business done._--Supply. + + * * * * * + +COMPLAINTS are often made as to the non-appreciation of jokes by those +to whom they are addressed. A Correspondent sends us on this subject the +following interesting remarks:--"I have made on an average ten jokes a +day for the last six years. Being in possession of a large independent +income, I could have afforded to make more, but I think ten a day a +reasonable number. I find that, as a rule, the wealthy and highly-placed +have absolutely no appreciation of humour. The necessitous, however, +show a keen taste for it. The other day a gentleman, whom I had only +seen once, asked me for the loan of a sovereign. I immediately made six +jokes running, and was rewarded by six successive peals of laughter. I +then informed him I had no money with me, and left him chuckling to +himself something about an Eastern coin of small value, called, I +believe, a dam." + + * * * * * + +NARROW ESCAPE OF AN R.A.!--Everyone knows that a Critic is one, who +would, professionally, roast and cut up his own father; but that some +Critics go beyond this, may be gathered from the fact of the Art-Critic +of the _Observer_, in one of his recent reviews of the Academy, having +thus expressed himself:-- + + "Mr. POYNTER'S flesh is never quite to our liking,"---- + +Heavens! What a dainty cannibal is this Critic! But how lucky for Mr. +POYNTER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +98, May 24, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 31039.txt or 31039.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/0/3/31039/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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