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diff --git a/30763.txt b/30763.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2e66d21 --- /dev/null +++ b/30763.txt @@ -0,0 +1,819 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Am I Still There?, by James R. Hall + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Am I Still There? + +Author: James R. Hall + +Illustrator: Leo Summers + +Release Date: December 26, 2009 [EBook #30763] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AM I STILL THERE? *** + + + + +Produced by Sankar Viswanathan, Greg Weeks, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + Transcriber's Note: + + This etext was produced from Analog Science Fact & Fiction September + 1963. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. + copyright on this publication was renewed. + + + + AM I STILL THERE? + + + Which must in essence, of course, + simply be the question "What do I + mean by 'I'?" + + + by JAMES R. HALL + + + ILLUSTRATED BY LEO SUMMERS + + [Illustration] + + * * * * * + + + + +Lee slid off the examining table and began buttoning his shirt. He had +had a medical examination every six months of his adult life, and it +always seemed strange to him that, despite the banks of machines the +doctor had which could practically map a man from a single cell +outward, each examination always entailed the cold end of a +stethoscope against his chest. + +He tucked his shirt into his pants and turned to the examining doctor +who was writing on a chart. + +"Well?" Lee asked him. + +"Sound as a dollar," replied the doctor. "Of course Dr. Flotman or Dr. +Roberts might turn up something on their electronic monsters, but I +see no reason why we can't go ahead on schedule." + +Lee felt relieved. Even while being examined by technicians, M.D.'s +and biologists, he had been conscious of the hundreds of little dull +pains which had nibbled like mice in every corner of his brain. +Sometimes he felt like a piece of his brain was being completely +smothered, a horrible sensation of having a part of his head severed +from him. This would go away, but would appear again in a different +area, usually in about fifteen to thirty minutes. Well, the doctor +said he was fit for surgery. That would end this nagging pain, just as +it always had in the past. + +"... If you're ready now." Lee became aware the doctor was speaking to +him. + +"Oh," Lee said. He had no idea what the doctor was talking about. "I'm +sorry, I guess I didn't hear what you said--" + +The doctor smiled tolerantly. "I said you can see Dr. Letzmiller this +afternoon to get the final O.K." + +"Letzmiller? Who's he? I thought you said I was ready to go." Lee knew +he sounded a little petulant, but he was tired from all these +examinations, and besides, his head hurt. + +The doctor, Gorss, Lee thought his name was, was rather young but +seemed used to this kind of thing. He turned on his tolerant smile +again. "Dr. Letzmiller is chief of the Familiarization and +Post-Operative Adjustment Section. He can explain himself better when +you see him." + +"Is he the last one?" Lee asked. He was already following Dr. Gorss +out the door and down a corridor. + +Dr. Gorss stopped before a door marked "Dr. C. L. Letzmiller," and +opened it. "The last one. You take these," he handed Lee a thick +manila folder, "and tell the girl Dr. Gorss sent you for your +interview." He waited until Lee had entered, then closed the door and +left. + + * * * * * + +Evidently Dr. Letzmiller had been expecting him, for very shortly Lee +found himself sitting at the doctor's desk, comfortably seated in a +brown leather armchair. He was facing a rather pudgy man, who was +leafing through the manila folder Lee had given him. Finally Dr. +Letzmiller looked up. + +"Well. Well now, Mr. Lee, suppose you first tell me about yourself, +and then I'll tell you about me." + +"Tell you about me?" Lee asked. + +Dr. Letzmiller smiled. It was another tolerant smile, but it seemed +more sincere than Gorss'. "I suppose the best way would be for me to +review these facts on your medical history. You are Vincent Bonard +Lee?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"Date of birth?" + +"August 11, 1934." + +"That would make you four hundred nine years old." + +Lee hesitated. He never really thought of his age. It had long ago +ceased to be of any importance to him. Of course he remembered his +birth date. It was one of those facts that always appears on your +records, like your social security number. He did some calculation in +his head, as rapidly as the constantly shifting blank spots in his +thinking would allow him. + +"Yes, sir." + +"It shows here that you first underwent replacive surgery in 1991. +Correct?" + +"Yes." + +"Remember what it was for?" + +"Yes, I had heart trouble. They fixed me up with one of those big jobs +requiring my carrying batteries under my armpit." + +"One of those early models. And this shows that at various times since +then you have undergone replacive surgery some eighty-seven times, +including three replacements of a pulmonary nature." + +Again Lee hesitated. The number of times he had had a worn organ or +tissue repaired or replaced was more than a little hazy. After the +novelty of the first few times when he found himself with a new +stomach, or liver, or muscle, he had started to take these things as a +matter of course. He gave a little nervous laugh. "If that paper says +so, I suppose so, doctor." + +"Yes. Well, everything seems to be functioning properly now, doesn't +it? With the exception of your head, of course." + +"Yes, yes I feel fine otherwise." Lee was feeling uncomfortable. +"Doctor, could you tell me what this is all about? I must have +answered these questions half a dozen times before to those other +people." + +"In just a moment. First I need to know you a little better. Your +medical history lists your occupation as 'cabinet maker'." + +"That's right." Lee was becoming more and more uncomfortable. The +extensive examinations had tired him, and repetition of the answers to +all these questions was making him edgy. + +"Doctor, can't you at least tell me what type operation I'm going to +have?" + +"What do you think it will be?" + +"I don't know. Some sort of repair on my head, I guess." + +"Mr. Lee, this isn't going to be a matter of repair. We have found it +necessary to replace the entirety of what could roughly be called +your 'brain', as well as part of the spinal cord." + +"My whole brain?" Lee sat, stunned, comprehension slowly filtering +into him. He voiced the only coherent thought which materialized. "Why +that will mean there won't be anything left of me at all." + +Dr. Letzmiller regarded him. "What do you mean?" + +"Doc, you've got my records there. At one time or another, since they +first put a new heart in me, every single inch of me has been replaced +by an artificial part. I mean all of me. There's not one bit of me, +heart, eyes, toenails, _nothing_, that is _me_. That bothered me quite +a bit when this left eye was put in. I mean I thought, 'Well, this +isn't me. This is my brain walking around in a jumble of artificial +flesh.' I tell you it bothered me. But I went to a doctor, you know, a +psychoanalyst, and he convinced me that as long as I had what he +called a 'sense of identity', that I was me." Lee stopped. How could +he explain it? + +But Letzmiller seemed to understand. "And you think that your brain is +all that is left of 'you'?" + +"Doc, it's a funny feeling. Like this." Lee raised his hands, brought +them together and touched his fingertips. "See that? I can raise those +hands. I can make them touch each other. I can feel them touching each +other. But it is just not quite right. It's just a little bit off key, +like one trumpet player out of twenty being about one-sixteenth of a +note flat. Know what I mean?" + +"I think I do," said Letzmiller, nodding slowly. "Now, just what does +that have to do with your operation?" + +"Doctor--" Lee had to stop, for the patchwork quilt of blank spaces +was dancing in his head. The helplessness went away, slowly, like +smoke drifting from a fire. As his mind cleared, he realized that he +didn't know why he was being interviewed by this doctor. + +"Anything wrong?" Dr. Letzmiller asked. + +Lee knew he wasn't being too coherent, jumping about with the +conversation this way, but he asked the question, anyway. "Doc, why am +I seeing you?" + +"You haven't guessed?" + +"No." + +The doctor paused to light a half-gone cigar. "My job here at Merkins +Replacive is to deal with just such fears as you have expressed. I'm +an M.D. and a psychologist, and"--Letzmiller smiled to himself--"a +kind of historian." + +"Historian?" + +"Well, you see I was supposed to give you the regular formal lecture +on the history of replacive surgery when you first came in. Like to +hear it?" + +Lee nodded, so Letzmiller continued. "Replacive surgery is actually +quite old. Old as medicine itself, I suppose. Very early attempts at +dentures were tried, though with little success. And, of course, peg +legs and hooks for persons who had lost their hands might be called +replacive surgery, though they were very crude. Later on came more +refined dentures, artificial limbs, corrective lenses, skull plates, +hearing aids, plastic or cosmetic surgery, blood transfusions, all +types of skin grafts, et cetera. + +"The 1950s saw the beginning of bone and corneal transplants, use of +plastics in arteries, those huge heart-lung and kidney machines, +implantation of electrodes in the heart to steady its beat--many +things which were mostly emergency or stop-gap measures. All through +the late 1900s refinements continued to be made, but it wasn't until +1988 that the fathers of replacive surgery, Doctors Mills, Levinson +and McCarty made the breakthrough that revolutionized the whole +concept. In very simplified language they unlocked the key to +producing specialized living tissue through a bombardment of an +extremely complex carbon compound with amino acids and electricity, +then making it selective in function by a fantastically intricate +application of radiation. + +"That pulmonary replacement you received in 1991 was undoubtedly one +of the first successes. You were quite lucky, you know. Up until 2017, +only about five per cent of their synthesized hearts lasted more than +thirty days. At any rate, the principle was established, and it was +proven that it could work. Most of our work from then till a few years +ago has been in improving and refining the work those three good +doctors did over three hundred years ago." + +Letzmiller's cigar had gone out, and he discarded it in favor of a +cigarette. "That would be the end of my history lecture, if it were +not for the nature of your trouble." + +Lee looked at him closely. "Why's that?" + +"Well, Mr. Lee, the big thing missing in that summation is the +seemingly impossible task of synthesizing nerve tissue, especially +that of the cerebral cortex. It's been approximated, at any rate +closely enough to give us good enough results to allow an artificial +tissue to respond to brain signals about ninety-eight per cent as well +as the original would. But actual duplication? No. At least not until +about three years ago. To tell you the truth, it is barely out of the +experimental stage." + +"Experimental!" + + * * * * * + +"Yes, this will be the first complete replacement of a human brain. +Oh, of course it has been done with animals, and it has been +successful with partial replacements on humans. But you will have the +honor of being the first human with a complete substitution." + +Lee could not contain himself. "Doc, that's just it! There won't be a +single atom of me except what you fellows have conjured up--" + +Letzmiller broke in mildly. "I think 'conjured' is hardly the proper +word, Mr. Lee." + +"Well, of course, I didn't mean that. But don't you see what I'm +driving at? You could just as well start from scratch and duplicate me +without bothering about going about it piecemeal. And what does that +make me?" + +The doctor had been looking at Lee intently, studying him through this +outburst. "I think I see what you mean. And I can't answer you. The +question you raise may be philosophical, or metaphysical, but it +certainly isn't medical. And from a doctor's point of view complete +substitution is the only course open, risky as it may seem." + +Lee mulled this over. Of course he knew surgery was the only solution +to his decaying mentality, actually the only alternative to his +becoming a virtual idiot, and, shortly after that, dead. And he did +not want to die. He had lived a long time, but thanks to the methods +of Letzmiller, Gorss, and all their predecessors, he was as full of +juice as he had been at thirty-five. But the question that kept +plaguing him Letzmiller seemed determined to avoid. He didn't +understand very much about replacive surgery, really didn't care to. +If Letzmiller said it could work, then he wasn't worried about that. +Well, he guessed he really didn't have much choice. With this +realization, he had only one more question for Letzmiller. + +"Doc, if I'm not me when this is over, do you think I'll know it?" + +Letzmiller looked at Lee's troubled face. "Do you think that you would +want to?" + +Lee answered slowly. "No, no I guess not." + +Letzmiller rose from his chair. "I'll talk to you again after the +operation. Do you think you're ready to go to your room now?" + +Lee nodded and obediently followed the doctor. + + * * * * * + +Lee was asleep when the nurse came, but with the efficiency of all +good nurses since time immemorial, she woke him to give him the +sedative to prepare him for surgery. She chattered brightly as she +prepared the hypodermic. + +"You know, you have all the nurses speculating, Mr. Lee. I mean we're +wondering just what Dr. Lakin, he's the anesthesiologist, is going to +use for you when you won't have any brain for the anesthesia to work +on." She stopped, the needle poised above Lee's arm, realizing the +inaptness of her remark. "Oh. I shouldn't have said that." + +"No, that's all right," said Lee. "I've already reconciled myself to +being the headless horseman for a while." He had, too, although it was +wonderfully strange to think of himself lying on the operating table +with a cavity where he right now thought, felt, knew that he was a +person. + + * * * * * + +Lee didn't actually lie on the table in the literal sense. The table +was inclined to about forty-five degrees, with his head exposed and +supported by a clamp on the cheek and jaw bones. This arrangement was +necessary to allow the waiting machinery access to the area where it +would perform. + +Physicians, surgeons, biologists and the like were gathered in the +amphitheater to see a bit of medical history. Actually there wasn't +much to see. A team of technicians, radiologists and surgeons were +working around Lee. Some were attaching electrodes to parts of Lee's +body to maintain the electrical impulses necessary to keep his vital +processes in motion while the main switchboard was out of commission. +Others were sensitizing the exposed brain, from which the skull had +already been removed, to guide the delicate fingers of the huge +automatic Operating, Recording and Calculating Complex through its +precisely programmed steps. + +Letzmiller was among those in the amphitheater, as a spectator, drawn +both by professional curiosity and a desire to know the answer to +Lee's question, "Doc, what will there be left of me?" Of course he +couldn't find out even part of the answer for some weeks. Even the ORC +complex, now being fitted to Lee's unconscious brain, adjusted and +activated, would not finish with its job for something like thirty-two +hours. + +The synthesizer would reconvert the data, translate it into countless +chemical and electrical formulae, and apply it to the raw material of +carbons, amino acids, proteins, and other components. When the basic +organ had been reconstructed, a process requiring another week and a +half in the synthesizer, it would be grafted back. The nerve lead-ins +would then be reconnected, one by one, spaced at intervals to avoid +shock. Lee would be unconscious the whole time, of course. Or rather +Lee would be unconscious part of the time. Most of the time he +wouldn't have the capacity for either consciousness or the lack of it. + +Dr. Letzmiller observed the huge ORC complex for a time, but there +wasn't anything to see. It simply sat over Lee, doing its job. +Unwanted, the thought came to Letzmiller that the machine looked like +a frog with a long worm dangling from its mouth. Lee was the worm. + + * * * * * + +"You can talk to him now, doctor." Oldenreid, Surgeon in Charge, +addressed Letzmiller outside Lee's room where he had just finished his +examination. "Personally, I think things went exactly as they should. +All physical and mental responses check out. I guess here's where I'm +finished and you go to work." + +Lee was sitting up in bed as Letzmiller entered. He looked just like +he had in Letzmiller's office before the operation, except for the +small white bandages around his head to protect his healing skull. +"Well," the doctor said, "how do you feel? Your head hurt?" + + * * * * * + +Letzmiller checked at Oldenreid's office, and was admitted to give his +report, as had been planned. + +"Well?" asked Oldenreid. + +Letzmiller lit the end of his cigar before answering. "I wholly agree +with you. Everything seems to have worked out exactly according to +plan. I found him essentially the same as he appeared to me during his +pre-operative interview. Of course he's a little foggy yet, but I +suppose that's just the post-operative shock." + +"Yes, that will clear up in a few days." + +"He seems alert, responsive, full memory. I don't think there will be +any difficulty with my part of his post-operative treatment. Except-- + +"Doctor, have you ever listened to a group of violins and sensed, just +sensed, not actually heard, that one of them seemed about a quarter of +a note flat?" + +Oldenreid looked at him strangely as Letzmiller left the office and +closed the door. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Am I Still There?, by James R. 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