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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Am I Still There?, by James R. Hall
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Am I Still There?
+
+Author: James R. Hall
+
+Illustrator: Leo Summers
+
+Release Date: December 26, 2009 [EBook #30763]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AM I STILL THERE? ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Sankar Viswanathan, Greg Weeks, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ Transcriber's Note:
+
+ This etext was produced from Analog Science Fact & Fiction September
+ 1963. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S.
+ copyright on this publication was renewed.
+
+
+
+ AM I STILL THERE?
+
+
+ Which must in essence, of course,
+ simply be the question "What do I
+ mean by 'I'?"
+
+
+ by JAMES R. HALL
+
+
+ ILLUSTRATED BY LEO SUMMERS
+
+ [Illustration]
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+Lee slid off the examining table and began buttoning his shirt. He had
+had a medical examination every six months of his adult life, and it
+always seemed strange to him that, despite the banks of machines the
+doctor had which could practically map a man from a single cell
+outward, each examination always entailed the cold end of a
+stethoscope against his chest.
+
+He tucked his shirt into his pants and turned to the examining doctor
+who was writing on a chart.
+
+"Well?" Lee asked him.
+
+"Sound as a dollar," replied the doctor. "Of course Dr. Flotman or Dr.
+Roberts might turn up something on their electronic monsters, but I
+see no reason why we can't go ahead on schedule."
+
+Lee felt relieved. Even while being examined by technicians, M.D.'s
+and biologists, he had been conscious of the hundreds of little dull
+pains which had nibbled like mice in every corner of his brain.
+Sometimes he felt like a piece of his brain was being completely
+smothered, a horrible sensation of having a part of his head severed
+from him. This would go away, but would appear again in a different
+area, usually in about fifteen to thirty minutes. Well, the doctor
+said he was fit for surgery. That would end this nagging pain, just as
+it always had in the past.
+
+"... If you're ready now." Lee became aware the doctor was speaking to
+him.
+
+"Oh," Lee said. He had no idea what the doctor was talking about. "I'm
+sorry, I guess I didn't hear what you said--"
+
+The doctor smiled tolerantly. "I said you can see Dr. Letzmiller this
+afternoon to get the final O.K."
+
+"Letzmiller? Who's he? I thought you said I was ready to go." Lee knew
+he sounded a little petulant, but he was tired from all these
+examinations, and besides, his head hurt.
+
+The doctor, Gorss, Lee thought his name was, was rather young but
+seemed used to this kind of thing. He turned on his tolerant smile
+again. "Dr. Letzmiller is chief of the Familiarization and
+Post-Operative Adjustment Section. He can explain himself better when
+you see him."
+
+"Is he the last one?" Lee asked. He was already following Dr. Gorss
+out the door and down a corridor.
+
+Dr. Gorss stopped before a door marked "Dr. C. L. Letzmiller," and
+opened it. "The last one. You take these," he handed Lee a thick
+manila folder, "and tell the girl Dr. Gorss sent you for your
+interview." He waited until Lee had entered, then closed the door and
+left.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Evidently Dr. Letzmiller had been expecting him, for very shortly Lee
+found himself sitting at the doctor's desk, comfortably seated in a
+brown leather armchair. He was facing a rather pudgy man, who was
+leafing through the manila folder Lee had given him. Finally Dr.
+Letzmiller looked up.
+
+"Well. Well now, Mr. Lee, suppose you first tell me about yourself,
+and then I'll tell you about me."
+
+"Tell you about me?" Lee asked.
+
+Dr. Letzmiller smiled. It was another tolerant smile, but it seemed
+more sincere than Gorss'. "I suppose the best way would be for me to
+review these facts on your medical history. You are Vincent Bonard
+Lee?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Date of birth?"
+
+"August 11, 1934."
+
+"That would make you four hundred nine years old."
+
+Lee hesitated. He never really thought of his age. It had long ago
+ceased to be of any importance to him. Of course he remembered his
+birth date. It was one of those facts that always appears on your
+records, like your social security number. He did some calculation in
+his head, as rapidly as the constantly shifting blank spots in his
+thinking would allow him.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"It shows here that you first underwent replacive surgery in 1991.
+Correct?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Remember what it was for?"
+
+"Yes, I had heart trouble. They fixed me up with one of those big jobs
+requiring my carrying batteries under my armpit."
+
+"One of those early models. And this shows that at various times since
+then you have undergone replacive surgery some eighty-seven times,
+including three replacements of a pulmonary nature."
+
+Again Lee hesitated. The number of times he had had a worn organ or
+tissue repaired or replaced was more than a little hazy. After the
+novelty of the first few times when he found himself with a new
+stomach, or liver, or muscle, he had started to take these things as a
+matter of course. He gave a little nervous laugh. "If that paper says
+so, I suppose so, doctor."
+
+"Yes. Well, everything seems to be functioning properly now, doesn't
+it? With the exception of your head, of course."
+
+"Yes, yes I feel fine otherwise." Lee was feeling uncomfortable.
+"Doctor, could you tell me what this is all about? I must have
+answered these questions half a dozen times before to those other
+people."
+
+"In just a moment. First I need to know you a little better. Your
+medical history lists your occupation as 'cabinet maker'."
+
+"That's right." Lee was becoming more and more uncomfortable. The
+extensive examinations had tired him, and repetition of the answers to
+all these questions was making him edgy.
+
+"Doctor, can't you at least tell me what type operation I'm going to
+have?"
+
+"What do you think it will be?"
+
+"I don't know. Some sort of repair on my head, I guess."
+
+"Mr. Lee, this isn't going to be a matter of repair. We have found it
+necessary to replace the entirety of what could roughly be called
+your 'brain', as well as part of the spinal cord."
+
+"My whole brain?" Lee sat, stunned, comprehension slowly filtering
+into him. He voiced the only coherent thought which materialized. "Why
+that will mean there won't be anything left of me at all."
+
+Dr. Letzmiller regarded him. "What do you mean?"
+
+"Doc, you've got my records there. At one time or another, since they
+first put a new heart in me, every single inch of me has been replaced
+by an artificial part. I mean all of me. There's not one bit of me,
+heart, eyes, toenails, _nothing_, that is _me_. That bothered me quite
+a bit when this left eye was put in. I mean I thought, 'Well, this
+isn't me. This is my brain walking around in a jumble of artificial
+flesh.' I tell you it bothered me. But I went to a doctor, you know, a
+psychoanalyst, and he convinced me that as long as I had what he
+called a 'sense of identity', that I was me." Lee stopped. How could
+he explain it?
+
+But Letzmiller seemed to understand. "And you think that your brain is
+all that is left of 'you'?"
+
+"Doc, it's a funny feeling. Like this." Lee raised his hands, brought
+them together and touched his fingertips. "See that? I can raise those
+hands. I can make them touch each other. I can feel them touching each
+other. But it is just not quite right. It's just a little bit off key,
+like one trumpet player out of twenty being about one-sixteenth of a
+note flat. Know what I mean?"
+
+"I think I do," said Letzmiller, nodding slowly. "Now, just what does
+that have to do with your operation?"
+
+"Doctor--" Lee had to stop, for the patchwork quilt of blank spaces
+was dancing in his head. The helplessness went away, slowly, like
+smoke drifting from a fire. As his mind cleared, he realized that he
+didn't know why he was being interviewed by this doctor.
+
+"Anything wrong?" Dr. Letzmiller asked.
+
+Lee knew he wasn't being too coherent, jumping about with the
+conversation this way, but he asked the question, anyway. "Doc, why am
+I seeing you?"
+
+"You haven't guessed?"
+
+"No."
+
+The doctor paused to light a half-gone cigar. "My job here at Merkins
+Replacive is to deal with just such fears as you have expressed. I'm
+an M.D. and a psychologist, and"--Letzmiller smiled to himself--"a
+kind of historian."
+
+"Historian?"
+
+"Well, you see I was supposed to give you the regular formal lecture
+on the history of replacive surgery when you first came in. Like to
+hear it?"
+
+Lee nodded, so Letzmiller continued. "Replacive surgery is actually
+quite old. Old as medicine itself, I suppose. Very early attempts at
+dentures were tried, though with little success. And, of course, peg
+legs and hooks for persons who had lost their hands might be called
+replacive surgery, though they were very crude. Later on came more
+refined dentures, artificial limbs, corrective lenses, skull plates,
+hearing aids, plastic or cosmetic surgery, blood transfusions, all
+types of skin grafts, et cetera.
+
+"The 1950s saw the beginning of bone and corneal transplants, use of
+plastics in arteries, those huge heart-lung and kidney machines,
+implantation of electrodes in the heart to steady its beat--many
+things which were mostly emergency or stop-gap measures. All through
+the late 1900s refinements continued to be made, but it wasn't until
+1988 that the fathers of replacive surgery, Doctors Mills, Levinson
+and McCarty made the breakthrough that revolutionized the whole
+concept. In very simplified language they unlocked the key to
+producing specialized living tissue through a bombardment of an
+extremely complex carbon compound with amino acids and electricity,
+then making it selective in function by a fantastically intricate
+application of radiation.
+
+"That pulmonary replacement you received in 1991 was undoubtedly one
+of the first successes. You were quite lucky, you know. Up until 2017,
+only about five per cent of their synthesized hearts lasted more than
+thirty days. At any rate, the principle was established, and it was
+proven that it could work. Most of our work from then till a few years
+ago has been in improving and refining the work those three good
+doctors did over three hundred years ago."
+
+Letzmiller's cigar had gone out, and he discarded it in favor of a
+cigarette. "That would be the end of my history lecture, if it were
+not for the nature of your trouble."
+
+Lee looked at him closely. "Why's that?"
+
+"Well, Mr. Lee, the big thing missing in that summation is the
+seemingly impossible task of synthesizing nerve tissue, especially
+that of the cerebral cortex. It's been approximated, at any rate
+closely enough to give us good enough results to allow an artificial
+tissue to respond to brain signals about ninety-eight per cent as well
+as the original would. But actual duplication? No. At least not until
+about three years ago. To tell you the truth, it is barely out of the
+experimental stage."
+
+"Experimental!"
+
+ * * * * *
+
+"Yes, this will be the first complete replacement of a human brain.
+Oh, of course it has been done with animals, and it has been
+successful with partial replacements on humans. But you will have the
+honor of being the first human with a complete substitution."
+
+Lee could not contain himself. "Doc, that's just it! There won't be a
+single atom of me except what you fellows have conjured up--"
+
+Letzmiller broke in mildly. "I think 'conjured' is hardly the proper
+word, Mr. Lee."
+
+"Well, of course, I didn't mean that. But don't you see what I'm
+driving at? You could just as well start from scratch and duplicate me
+without bothering about going about it piecemeal. And what does that
+make me?"
+
+The doctor had been looking at Lee intently, studying him through this
+outburst. "I think I see what you mean. And I can't answer you. The
+question you raise may be philosophical, or metaphysical, but it
+certainly isn't medical. And from a doctor's point of view complete
+substitution is the only course open, risky as it may seem."
+
+Lee mulled this over. Of course he knew surgery was the only solution
+to his decaying mentality, actually the only alternative to his
+becoming a virtual idiot, and, shortly after that, dead. And he did
+not want to die. He had lived a long time, but thanks to the methods
+of Letzmiller, Gorss, and all their predecessors, he was as full of
+juice as he had been at thirty-five. But the question that kept
+plaguing him Letzmiller seemed determined to avoid. He didn't
+understand very much about replacive surgery, really didn't care to.
+If Letzmiller said it could work, then he wasn't worried about that.
+Well, he guessed he really didn't have much choice. With this
+realization, he had only one more question for Letzmiller.
+
+"Doc, if I'm not me when this is over, do you think I'll know it?"
+
+Letzmiller looked at Lee's troubled face. "Do you think that you would
+want to?"
+
+Lee answered slowly. "No, no I guess not."
+
+Letzmiller rose from his chair. "I'll talk to you again after the
+operation. Do you think you're ready to go to your room now?"
+
+Lee nodded and obediently followed the doctor.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Lee was asleep when the nurse came, but with the efficiency of all
+good nurses since time immemorial, she woke him to give him the
+sedative to prepare him for surgery. She chattered brightly as she
+prepared the hypodermic.
+
+"You know, you have all the nurses speculating, Mr. Lee. I mean we're
+wondering just what Dr. Lakin, he's the anesthesiologist, is going to
+use for you when you won't have any brain for the anesthesia to work
+on." She stopped, the needle poised above Lee's arm, realizing the
+inaptness of her remark. "Oh. I shouldn't have said that."
+
+"No, that's all right," said Lee. "I've already reconciled myself to
+being the headless horseman for a while." He had, too, although it was
+wonderfully strange to think of himself lying on the operating table
+with a cavity where he right now thought, felt, knew that he was a
+person.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Lee didn't actually lie on the table in the literal sense. The table
+was inclined to about forty-five degrees, with his head exposed and
+supported by a clamp on the cheek and jaw bones. This arrangement was
+necessary to allow the waiting machinery access to the area where it
+would perform.
+
+Physicians, surgeons, biologists and the like were gathered in the
+amphitheater to see a bit of medical history. Actually there wasn't
+much to see. A team of technicians, radiologists and surgeons were
+working around Lee. Some were attaching electrodes to parts of Lee's
+body to maintain the electrical impulses necessary to keep his vital
+processes in motion while the main switchboard was out of commission.
+Others were sensitizing the exposed brain, from which the skull had
+already been removed, to guide the delicate fingers of the huge
+automatic Operating, Recording and Calculating Complex through its
+precisely programmed steps.
+
+Letzmiller was among those in the amphitheater, as a spectator, drawn
+both by professional curiosity and a desire to know the answer to
+Lee's question, "Doc, what will there be left of me?" Of course he
+couldn't find out even part of the answer for some weeks. Even the ORC
+complex, now being fitted to Lee's unconscious brain, adjusted and
+activated, would not finish with its job for something like thirty-two
+hours.
+
+The synthesizer would reconvert the data, translate it into countless
+chemical and electrical formulae, and apply it to the raw material of
+carbons, amino acids, proteins, and other components. When the basic
+organ had been reconstructed, a process requiring another week and a
+half in the synthesizer, it would be grafted back. The nerve lead-ins
+would then be reconnected, one by one, spaced at intervals to avoid
+shock. Lee would be unconscious the whole time, of course. Or rather
+Lee would be unconscious part of the time. Most of the time he
+wouldn't have the capacity for either consciousness or the lack of it.
+
+Dr. Letzmiller observed the huge ORC complex for a time, but there
+wasn't anything to see. It simply sat over Lee, doing its job.
+Unwanted, the thought came to Letzmiller that the machine looked like
+a frog with a long worm dangling from its mouth. Lee was the worm.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+"You can talk to him now, doctor." Oldenreid, Surgeon in Charge,
+addressed Letzmiller outside Lee's room where he had just finished his
+examination. "Personally, I think things went exactly as they should.
+All physical and mental responses check out. I guess here's where I'm
+finished and you go to work."
+
+Lee was sitting up in bed as Letzmiller entered. He looked just like
+he had in Letzmiller's office before the operation, except for the
+small white bandages around his head to protect his healing skull.
+"Well," the doctor said, "how do you feel? Your head hurt?"
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Letzmiller checked at Oldenreid's office, and was admitted to give his
+report, as had been planned.
+
+"Well?" asked Oldenreid.
+
+Letzmiller lit the end of his cigar before answering. "I wholly agree
+with you. Everything seems to have worked out exactly according to
+plan. I found him essentially the same as he appeared to me during his
+pre-operative interview. Of course he's a little foggy yet, but I
+suppose that's just the post-operative shock."
+
+"Yes, that will clear up in a few days."
+
+"He seems alert, responsive, full memory. I don't think there will be
+any difficulty with my part of his post-operative treatment. Except--
+
+"Doctor, have you ever listened to a group of violins and sensed, just
+sensed, not actually heard, that one of them seemed about a quarter of
+a note flat?"
+
+Oldenreid looked at him strangely as Letzmiller left the office and
+closed the door.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Am I Still There?, by James R. Hall
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AM I STILL THERE? ***
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