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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Guide to Men
+       Being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor Girl
+
+Author: Helen Rowland
+
+Release Date: December 8, 2009 [EBook #30630]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A GUIDE TO MEN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Emmy, Tor Martin Kristiansen and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+          THE MATERIAL FOR
+          THIS BOOK WAS COLLECTED
+          DIRECTLY
+          FROM NATURE AT
+          GREAT PERSONAL RISK
+          BY THE AUTHOR
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+A GUIDE TO MEN
+
+
+          A BACHELOR'S LIFE
+          IS ONE LONG
+          SOLO--USUALLY
+          A HYMN OF
+          THANKSGIVING
+
+
+
+
+A GUIDE TO MEN
+
+          BEING ENCORE
+          REFLECTIONS OF A
+          BACHELOR GIRL
+
+          _by_
+          HELEN
+          ROWLAND
+
+          [Illustration]
+
+          PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK BY
+          DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+          COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY DODGE
+          PUBLISHING COMPANY, NEW YORK
+
+
+
+          To
+          FANNIE HURST
+
+Who has discovered the secret of how to be happy, though wedded to an
+art and to a man at the same time.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+          Foreword _by_ Fannie Hurst     13
+
+          Overture                       17
+
+              _Prelude_                  19
+
+              _Refrain_                  21
+
+          Bachelors                      23
+
+              _First Interlude_          27
+
+          True Love--How to know it      35
+
+              _Variations_               38
+
+          Blondes                        42
+
+              _Cymbals & Kettle-drums_   44
+
+          What Every Woman Wonders       50
+
+              _Second Interlude_         58
+
+          Brides                         63
+
+              _Syncopations_             66
+
+          Divorces                       73
+
+              _Third Interlude_          75
+
+          Widows                         81
+
+              _Improvisations_           83
+
+          Widowers                       89
+
+              _Fourth Interlude_         92
+
+          Second Marriages               99
+
+              _Intermezzo_              102
+
+          Woman & Her Infinite Variety  109
+
+          Maxims of Cleopatra           112
+
+              _Finale_                  118
+
+          Curtain                       125
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+          . . . and interrupts him.           23
+
+          Places him on a pedestal . . .      35
+
+          Married to a human being . . .      63
+
+          In remembrance.                     73
+
+          Half a love . . .                   81
+
+          You may polish him up . . .         89
+
+          A brand new sensation . . .         99
+
+          A man just crawls away . . .       109
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FOREWORD
+
+
+A SMALL phial, I doubt not, could contain the attar of the epigrammatic
+literature of all time. Few of the perfumes of this diminutive form of
+wit and satire have survived. Pretty and scented vaporings, most of the
+thousands and thousands of them, that have died on the air of the
+foibles of their day.
+
+Yet how the pungent ones can persist! The racy old odors, which are as
+new as _now_, that still hover about the political and amorous quips of
+the Greeks. The nose-crinkling ones of the French, more vinegar-acrid
+than perfumed, although a seventeenth-century proverb calls France "a
+monarchy tempered by epigrams." The didactic Teutonic ones, sharply
+corrosive.
+
+The greatest evaporative of course of this form of _bon mot_ is mere
+cleverness. Wit is the attar which endures. The wit of Pope and
+Catullus, Landor, Voltaire, Rousseau and Wilde.
+
+That is what Rapin must have had in mind when he said that a man ought
+to be content if he succeeded in writing one really good epigram.
+
+Helen Rowland stands pleasantly impeached for writing many. She has a
+whizz to her swiftly cynical arrow that entitles her to a place in the
+tournament.
+
+She is not merely anagrammatical, scorns the couplet for the mere sake
+of the couplet, and has little time for the smiting word at any price.
+
+In the entire history of epigrammatic expression there are few if any
+whose fame rests solely upon the brittle structure of the _bon mot_.
+Martial, about whose brilliant brevities can scarcely be said to hover
+the odor of sanctity, is, I suppose, remembered solely as a wielder of
+the barbed word.
+
+Miss Rowland is balanced skilfully upon that same slender trapeze, doing
+a very deft bow-and-arrow act, her archery of a high order.
+
+She wields a wicked bow, a kindly bow, a swift, a sure, a ductile bow.
+
+Matrimony is her favorite target (so was it Bombo's and Herrick's and
+even political Parnell had his shot at it) and her little winged arrows
+are often bitingly pointed with philosophy, satire, wit and sometimes
+just a touch of good old home-brew American hokum.
+
+For this wise woman with the high-spirited bow behind her arrow, these
+little pages speak eloquently.
+
+                                                   FANNIE HURST.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+OVERTURE
+
+
+          Would you your sweetheart's secret seek to spell?
+              There are so many little ways to tell!
+          A hair, perhaps, shall prove him false or true--
+              A single hair upon his coat lapel!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+PRELUDE
+
+
+THE sweetest part of a kiss is the moment just before taking.
+
+Love is misery--sweetened with imagination, salted with tears, spiced
+with doubt, flavored with novelty, and swallowed with your eyes shut.
+
+Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a
+duty, and a lie from a luxury into a necessity.
+
+A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been
+extracted.
+
+A man's heart is like a barber shop in which the cry is always, "NEXT!"
+
+The discovery of rice-powder on his coat-lapel makes a college-boy
+swagger, a bachelor blush, and a married man tremble.
+
+It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son--and another
+woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
+
+By the time a man has discovered that he is in love with a woman, she is
+usually so fagged out waiting for the phenomenon, that she is ready to
+topple right over into his arms from sheer exhaustion.
+
+A man always asks for "just one kiss"--because he knows that, if he can
+get that, the rest will come without asking.
+
+Somehow, the moment a man has surrendered the key of his heart to a
+woman, he begins to think about changing the lock.
+
+There are only two ages, at which a man faces the altar without a
+shudder; at twenty when he doesn't know what's happening to him--and at
+eighty when he doesn't care.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+THE REFRAIN
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          THERE'S so much saint in the worst of them,
+              And so much devil in the best of them,
+          That a woman who's married to one of them,
+              Has nothing to learn of the rest of them.
+
+          SOMEHOW, JUST AT
+          THE PSYCHOLOGICAL
+          MOMENT WHEN A
+          BACHELOR FANCIES
+          THAT HE IS GOING TO
+          DIE FOR LOVE OF A
+          WOMAN, ANOTHER
+          WOMAN ALWAYS COMES
+          ALONG AND INTERRUPTS
+          HIM
+
+[Illustration: . . . and interrupts him.]
+
+
+
+
+BACHELORS
+
+
+THE modern bachelor is like a blotting pad; he can soak up all the
+sentiment and flattery a woman has to offer him, without ever spilling a
+drop.
+
+A confirmed bachelor is so sure of his ability to dodge, that he is
+willing to amuse every pretty girl he meets, by handing her a rope and
+daring her to catch him.
+
+A bachelor is a large body of egotism, completely surrounded by caution
+and fortified at all points by suspicion. His chief products are wild
+oats and cynicism; his chief industry is dodging matrimony; his
+undeviating policy "Protection!" and his watch-word, "Give me liberty or
+give me death!"
+
+The average bachelor is so afraid of falling into matrimony, nowadays,
+that he sprinkles the path of love with ashes instead of with roses.
+
+The care with which a bachelor chaperones himself would inspire even the
+duenna of a fashionable boarding school with envy.
+
+A bachelor's idea of "safety first" consists in getting tangled up with
+a lot of women in order to avoid getting tied up to one.
+
+He is an altruist who refrains from devoting himself to one woman in
+order that he may scatter sweetness and light amongst the multitude.
+
+There is nothing quite so intriguing to a bachelor as flirting with the
+"_idea of marriage_"--with his fingers crossed. He just loves to
+"consider marrying" in the abstract and to go about pitying himself for
+being so "lonely."
+
+There are three kinds of bachelors: the kind that must be driven into
+matrimony with a whip; the kind that must be coaxed with sugar; and the
+kind that must be blindfolded and backed into the shafts.
+
+If you want to be chosen to brighten a bachelor's life, first make it
+dark and dreary; so long as women are willing to make his existence one
+long sweet song, naturally he isn't anxious to exchange it for a
+lullaby.
+
+When a man actually asks a girl to marry him in these days of bachelor
+comforts and the deification of single-blessedness, she has a revelation
+of human unselfishness that stands as the eighth wonder of the world.
+
+That tired expression on a bachelor's face is not so often the result of
+brain-fag from an overworked mind as of heart-fag from overworking the
+emotions.
+
+Lovers look at life through rose-colored curtains; old bachelors see it
+through a fog.
+
+Somehow, a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of
+beauty and a boy forever!
+
+A bachelor fancies that it is his wonderful sixty-horse will-power that
+keeps him from marrying, whereas it is nothing but his little one-horse
+_won't-power_.
+
+One consolation in marrying a bachelor over forty is that he has fought
+so long and so hard to escape the hook that there is no more fight left
+in him.
+
+Never give up hope as long as a bachelor declares definitely, "No woman
+can _get_ me!" Wait until he is so sure of his immunity that he sighs
+regretfully, "No woman will _have_ me!"
+
+The "vicious circle" in a bachelor's opinion, is the platinum one on a
+woman's third finger.
+
+A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has
+the art to remain a bachelor.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FIRST INTERLUDE
+
+
+IN the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns--and turns--and turns!
+
+There are lots of "sure cures" for love, but the quickest and surest
+is--_another love_.
+
+If there were only two women and one man in the world, the man would
+marry the brunette and then spend the rest of his life peeping over her
+shoulder and trying to flirt with the blonde.
+
+A woman always embalms the corpse of a dead love; a man wisely cremates
+it, and plants a new love in the ashes.
+
+A fool and her money are soon courted.
+
+A woman's pity for a man who loves her against her will may be akin to
+love; but a man's pity for a woman who loves him without his permission
+is a twin brother to boredom.
+
+Marriage is the miracle which affords a woman a chance to gratify her
+vanity, pacify her family, mortify her rivals, and electrify her
+friends, all at the same time. Marriage is sweet!
+
+Love is what incites the caveman to drag a woman around by the hair and
+makes the civilized man permit a woman to drag _him_ around by the nose.
+
+The heart of a woman is a secret sanctuary where she is constantly
+burning incense and candles before a succession of idols of clay.
+
+Nowadays, a man's faith in women and heaven seems to disappear with his
+milk-teeth and to reappear again with his false teeth.
+
+To most men "repentance" is merely the interval between the headache and
+the next temptation.
+
+Most bachelors regard the "flower of love" as a species of poison ivy.
+
+Even Satan could find a woman to call him "Dearie," if he would simply
+tell her that all he needed was "a beautiful woman's uplifting
+influence."
+
+A man may be guilty of stealing a girl's heart, but he always feels hurt
+and indignant if she refuses to take it back again after he has finished
+with it.
+
+Woman's love--a mirror in which a man beholds himself glorified,
+magnified and deified.
+
+Always try to be the "guiding star" of a man's life, but never make the
+mistake of fancying that you are his whole planetary system.
+
+A woman must keep her conscience, her complexion and her reputation
+snow-white. But a man is satisfied if he can just manage to keep his so
+that they comply with the pure food laws.
+
+Art is inspiring, but you can't run your fingers through its hair; a
+career is absorbing, but you can't tie ribbons on the curls of your
+brain-children; work is ennobling, but, alas, it hasn't got a shoulder
+to cry on!
+
+When a girl refuses to kiss a man he is never disconcerted; he is merely
+astonished that she could be so blind to her own feelings.
+
+A summer resort is a place where a girl spends half her time in making
+herself alluring--and the other half in yearning for something to
+"lure."
+
+When a girl marries a man she is sadly aware that all his old
+sweethearts are wondering _how_ she did it, and that all her old
+sweethearts are wondering _why_.
+
+Marriage will never be safe until we stop making it an "ideal" and begin
+trying to make it a square deal.
+
+Just before marriage a man's coat lapel acquires that grayish look which
+comes from the constant contact with face powder, but it's wonderful how
+soon it brightens up and gets back its natural color after the wedding.
+
+Love is like appendicitis; you never know when nor how it is going to
+strike you--the only difference being that, after one attack of
+appendicitis, your curiosity is perfectly satisfied.
+
+No matter how many men have tried to flirt with her, a girl will step
+cheerfully up to the altar in the firm belief that she has found the one
+perfect human being in trousers who will never look at another woman.
+
+After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right
+through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he
+can look right through his wife without seeing her.
+
+A man recuperates so much more quickly from his remorse than a woman
+does from her indignation that by the time she has forgiven him he is
+tired of being good and ready to sin again.
+
+Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking
+about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you
+finish saying it.
+
+A man can never understand how a woman gets so much joy out of leading
+him all the way to the threshold of love and then sweetly closing the
+door in his face.
+
+Solitaire--the married woman's game.
+
+A man's greatest conquest is self-conquest; his greatest possession,
+self-possession; and his greatest love--Oh, well, you fill in the rest.
+
+Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants
+him to kiss her--when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to
+_want_ to kiss her?
+
+Plunging into a hasty marriage in order to escape from a foolish
+entanglement is like rushing under a trolley car in order to escape from
+a taxicab.
+
+Nowadays a girl's favorite way of committing suicide for love of a man,
+is to marry him and worry herself to death over him.
+
+A good wife is always her husband's "guide, philosopher and friend";
+also his guardian, digestion, conscience, time-table and valet.
+
+A man never knows how to say goodby; a woman never knows _when_ to say
+it.
+
+A woman's greatest "right" is the right husband.
+
+A woman might forgive a man for all his sins; it's that stained-glass
+attitude with which he decides to "give them up" when he is tired of
+them that exasperates her so.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          A MAN DOESN'T WANT
+          A WIFE WHO PLACES
+          HIM ON A PEDESTAL
+          OR KEEPS HIM ON A
+          FOOTSTOOL, BUT ONE
+          WHO WILL TAKE HIM
+          AS A MERE MAN--AND
+          LET HIM GO ON BEING
+          "MERE"
+
+[Illustration: Places him on a pedestal . . .]
+
+
+
+
+TRUE LOVE--HOW TO KNOW IT
+
+
+TRUE LOVE is nothing but friendship, highly intensified, flavored with
+sentiment, spiced with passion, and sprinkled with the stardust of
+romance.
+
+True Love can be no deeper than your capacity for friendship, no higher
+than your ideals, and no broader than the scope of your vision.
+
+True Love, in the cave man, is expressed by a desire to beat a woman,
+and to pull her around by the hair.
+
+True Love, in the Broadwayite, is expressed by an insatiable craving to
+_buy things_ for a woman.
+
+True Love, in a husband, is expressed by his willingness to give his
+wife anything, from the tenderest piece of steak to a divorce, if it
+will make her happy.
+
+True Love, in any man, is the essence of unselfishness; and the most
+selfish thing in the world. It is the selfishness that transcends
+selfishness; the vanity that puts egotism in the shade.
+
+True Love, in a bachelor, is exemplified by his willingness to marry a
+woman--against all his instincts, his sense of self-preservation, and
+his better judgment.
+
+True Love, in a born flirt, is evidenced by his inability to think of
+any _other woman_, while he is kissing a particular one.
+
+True Love, in an author, is demonstrated by his self-restraint, in
+refusing to make "copy" out of a love affair.
+
+True Love, in a college boy, is expressed by his ability to think of
+somebody besides himself for a whole hour at a time.
+
+It is the flash of light, by which one sees clearly that to do for
+another, give to another, and sacrifice for another, will get one the
+most happiness out of life.
+
+True Love, in the poet, is expressed in soul kisses, and by his
+inability to do any work for days at a time.
+
+We speak of "falling in love," as though it were a pit or an abyss; but
+True Love is the light on the mountain-top, to which we must eternally
+climb.
+
+True Love is a relic of the Victorian Age.
+
+It still exists, here and there, like the buffalo; but in the face of
+eugenics, feminism, and the growing masculine determination not to
+marry, it may some day have to take a place beside the Dinosaurus in the
+Public Museum.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+VARIATIONS
+
+
+FLIRTATION is a duel in which the combatants cross lies, sighs and
+eyes--and the coolest heart wins.
+
+Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and
+bottling the common-sense.
+
+In the medley of love a man's soul sings a sonata, while his heart plays
+a waltz and his pulse beats to rag-time.
+
+Better be a strong man's "rib" than a weak man's "backbone."
+
+True love isn't the kind that endures through long years of absence, but
+the kind that endures through long years of propinquity.
+
+A man seldom thinks of marrying when he meets his ideal woman; he waits
+until he gets the marrying fever and then idealizes the first woman he
+happens to meet.
+
+Love is what tempts a man to tell foolish lies to a woman and a woman to
+tell the fool truth to a man.
+
+It took seven hundred guesses for Solomon to find out what kind of a
+wife he wanted; and even then he seems to have had his doubts.
+
+The only thing more astonishing than the length of time a man's love
+will subsist on nothing is the celerity with which it is surfeited the
+moment it has any encouragement to feed on.
+
+Even when a man knows that he wants to marry a woman, she has to prove
+it to him with a diagram before he is really convinced of it.
+
+A man is so apt to mistake his love of experiment for love of a woman
+that half the time he doesn't know which is which.
+
+Why is it that a man never thinks he has tasted the cup of joy unless he
+has splashed it all over himself, as though it were his morning bath?
+
+A man is so versatile that he can read his newspaper with one set of
+brain-cells while he carries on a conversation with his wife with
+another set.
+
+A girl hides her emotions under a veil of modesty, a spinster under a
+cloak of cynicism, a wife under a mantle of tact, and a widow under a
+cloud of mystery--and then women wonder why they are "misunderstood."
+
+Proposing is a sort of acrobatic feat, in which a man must hang on to
+his nerve with one hand and to the girl with the other. If he lets go of
+either, he is lost.
+
+In love, as in poker, men play just to _play_--and then proceed to throw
+away what has been easily won, without any thought of its value. Thus
+gamblers so often die in poverty and Lotharios in loneliness.
+
+Nowadays, a truly chivalrous girl will "lie like a lady" in order to
+protect a trusting man's vanity.
+
+The woman who fascinates a man is not the one who looks up to him as the
+sun of her existence, but the one who merely looks down on him as one of
+the footlights.
+
+Don't doubt a man when he says, "I never loved like _this_ before." Each
+time a man falls in love with so much more ease and facility that he
+doesn't recognize it as the same old emotion at all.
+
+The first time a man lies to his wife he is surprised to discover how
+easy it is to do it. After that he is surprised to find out how hard it
+is _not_ to do it.
+
+A man always speaks of having "given" his heart to a woman as though he
+had done something generous and noble; whereas, nine times out of ten,
+she probably had to wrench it from him.
+
+About the only things in connection with his wife for which a man shows
+any respect after a few years of marriage are her reputation and her
+toothbrush.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+BLONDES
+
+
+NEXT to a mouse or a rich widow, there is nothing on earth that a normal
+girl dreads so much as a blonde.
+
+No matter how many brunettes a man may have married from time to time
+you can always be perfectly sure that there has been a blonde in his
+life.
+
+A woman with dark hair and eyes may make men admire her, but in order to
+make one of them _propose_ she must blondine her temperament down to the
+roots.
+
+The dusky Cleopatra may have succeeded in making fools of a few men, but
+it took a dizzy little blonde like Helen of Troy to make a lot of men
+make fools of _themselves_.
+
+In order to be popular with men, in these days, a brunette must be
+either brilliant, interesting, rich or beautiful; but a blonde doesn't
+have to be anything but a _blonde_.
+
+You may fight a brunette, dearie, as woman to woman, but when you fight
+a blonde you fight a cherished masculine tradition.
+
+Why is it that in all the novels and motion picture plays the vampires
+and adventuresses have dark hair and black eyes, while the innocent,
+persecuted angels are all blondes--whereas in real life it is always the
+other way 'round.
+
+Generally speaking, there are two kinds of blondes: blondes by birth and
+blondes by preference. These are subdivided into golden blondes, diamond
+blondes, strawberry blondes--and undecided blondes; that is, those who
+have not yet decided on their favorite shade.
+
+Sometimes illness turns a woman's hair gray, and sometimes it merely
+turns it dark at the roots. A little peroxide is a treacherous thing!
+
+All this talk about the "yellow peril" is nonsense. There is no more
+danger in permitting your husband to employ a pretty blonde stenographer
+than there is in throwing a lighted match into the wastebasket.
+
+When love flies out of the window the tame cat and the sympathetic
+blonde tip-toe in by opposite doors.
+
+
+
+
+CYMBALS AND KETTLE-DRUMS
+
+
+THIS is the great masculine question: Whether it is better to marry and
+live in the constant fear of one woman's frown or to stay single and
+live in deadly fear of every woman's smile.
+
+"Conscience doth make cowards of us all"--but not until we've emptied
+the bottle, tired of the flirtation and gotten our money's worth out of
+the game.
+
+Marriage--A souvenir of love.
+
+Wanted: A wife who can broil a steak with one hand, powder her nose with
+the other, rock the cradle with her foot and accompany herself on the
+harp. (_Signed_) EVERYMAN.
+
+When the girls admire him a young man takes it as a matter of course;
+but when a widow selects him for her attention he thrills with the
+knowledge that he is being stamped with the approval of a connoisseur.
+
+Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve
+you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to
+you.
+
+If Achilles' only vulnerable spot was in his heel, then his vanity must
+have gone to his feet, instead of to his head.
+
+You can't expect a woman to accomplish much in this life, since she is
+busy every minute of it either trying to _get_ some man, trying to _get
+along with_ one, or trying to _get rid of_ one.
+
+A man's wife is something like his teeth: He never thinks of her unless
+she happens to bother him.
+
+Life is a tale that is "told": the monk tells his beads, the seer tells
+fortunes, the lover tells lies--and a woman tells everything.
+
+To collect books is a sign of culture, to collect jewels a sign of
+wealth, but to collect husbands is a sign of paresis.
+
+A modern bachelor makes love with his hand on his pulse and his eye on
+the clock.
+
+Oh yes, there is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized
+man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
+
+A sympathetic woman is like a rose which a man wears over his heart; a
+stupid woman is like a cabbage which he keeps in his kitchen; but a
+merely "clever" woman is like a dahlia--he knows he ought to admire her,
+but he had just as lief do so from a distance.
+
+While a woman is weeping over the ghost of a dead love in the graveyard
+of memory, a man is usually off pursuing a lot of little new loves in
+the garden of forgetfulness.
+
+Life is like a poem or a story; the most important thing about it is not
+that it should be long, but that it should be beautiful and interesting.
+
+The older a woman gets the more trusting she becomes; at twenty a man
+can feed her only diluted flattery; but at forty she can swallow it,
+straight, without a quiver.
+
+No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she
+just naturally becomes a "Master of Arts" and a "Doctor of Philosophy"
+after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.
+
+The average man takes all the natural taste out of his food by covering
+it with ready-made sauces, and all the personality out of a woman by
+covering her with his ready-made ideals.
+
+Heaven is _not_ a mythical place. It can be found right down in the
+heart of the man who has found the work he loves and the woman he loves.
+
+An ideal lover is one with such a keen dramatic instinct that he can
+convince himself of his sincerity--even when he knows that he is lying.
+
+Love is a matter of chance; matrimony a matter of money, and divorce--a
+matter of course.
+
+Adam was the first man to "misunderstand" a woman.
+
+A man is like a park squirrel; if you fling your favors or your charms
+at his head he will never come up and eat out of your hand.
+
+What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the mental action that
+follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.
+
+In the School of Love, a man is forever just taking up a brand new
+"study" and discovering that all the old loves were nothing but
+"preparatory practice."
+
+The eugenic idea of choosing a husband would be perfectly lovely, only
+that a husband isn't a matter of choice, but of chance, accident or
+blind luck.
+
+Love is woman's eternal spring, man's eternal fall.
+
+It isn't beauty, and it isn't cleverness, and it isn't clothes that make
+a particular woman fascinating. It is just a sort of magnetic current
+which seems to run around her and set her eyes a-twinkling--and a man's
+heart tingling.
+
+It is utterly useless to tell a man the honest truth. That is the last
+thing on earth which a man ever tells a woman--so of course it's the
+last thing on earth which he ever expects to hear from her.
+
+The average man, like "all Gaul," is divided into three parts: his
+vanity, his digestion and his ambition. Cater to the first, guard the
+second and stimulate the third--and his love will take care of itself.
+
+There is no such tonic for a man's nerve as a capricious wife and no
+such softener for his backbone as a self-sacrificing one.
+
+A man can sit in the moonlight and talk "New Thought" to a pretty girl
+and at the same time look right into her eyes with all the old, old
+ones.
+
+Bohemia is an oasis in the desert of life where only the rich-in-dreams
+may go and only the poor-in-purse may stay.
+
+There is no way of two people really knowing each other until after they
+are married and have to share the same dollar, the same table, the same
+newspaper and the same chiffonier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+WHAT EVERY WOMAN WONDERS
+
+
+          THERE are gardens full of flowers that I feared to pluck.
+          There are eyes full of promises that I dared not believe.
+          There are lips full of sweetness, from which I turned away.
+          I wonder if Paradise holds anything for me, one-half so beautiful
+          As the joys I have renounced for its sake!
+
+A man's life is like a musical comedy; there is always one woman in it
+who is the star--but it takes ninety-nine others to make up the
+"ensemble."
+
+Nothing so annoys a man as to have a woman "cheer him up," when he is
+enjoying the exquisite luxury of feeling sorry for himself.
+
+The modern girl's "perfect candor" has taken the sin out of
+sincerity--and most of the sweet scent out of the flower of sentiment.
+Without the Serpent, the Garden of Eden would seem a dull old place to
+most men.
+
+Love is neither a bonfire, nor a kitchen-fire; but an altar-fire, to be
+kept burning forever with prayer and reverence.
+
+In the language of love, "Forever!" means for quite a little while and
+"Never!" means not until next season.
+
+"A fool there was, and he made his prayer"--to two women on the same
+party wire.
+
+Love is a matter of give and take--marriage, a matter of misgive and
+mistake.
+
+Even a fool knows enough to laugh at a man's joke--but only a born Siren
+knows enough to hang onto his coat-lapel and beg him to "Tell it again!"
+
+Some men are born for matrimony, some achieve matrimony--but most of
+them are merely poor dodgers.
+
+There are many times when a woman would gladly drop her husband, if she
+did not feel morally certain that some other woman would come right
+along and pick him up.
+
+Alas! In choosing a husband, it seems that you've always got to decide
+between something tame and uninteresting, like a gold-fish, and
+something wild and fascinating, like a mountain goat.
+
+Perhaps the first time a young man actually realizes that he is married
+is when he catches himself looking at other women with that strange,
+new, wistful sort of interest.
+
+It is at once the mission and the punishment of the flirt to go through
+life tapping the hearts of men, that they may overflow--for other women.
+
+The sweetest things in a woman's life are her "yesterdays"--the sweetest
+things in a man's life are his "tomorrows."
+
+The man who is fondly looking for a perfect angel almost invariably ends
+by marrying some little devil who knows how to persuade him that her
+horns are merely the signs of a budding halo.
+
+Woman is to most men what "heart-failure" is to the doctors--something
+that it is always convenient to blame any old thing on.
+
+"The mind has a thousand eyes--the heart but one!"--and that usually
+goes fast asleep, after marriage.
+
+Philosophy is the only kind of "sweetening" with which to make life
+palatable.
+
+Estimated from a wife's experience, the average man spends fully
+one-quarter of his life in looking for his shoes.
+
+An "idealist" is a man who is content to worship a woman from afar--and
+let some gross, unselfish materialist marry her and support her.
+
+Changing husbands is about as satisfactory as changing a bundle from one
+hand to the other; it gives you only temporary relief.
+
+France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest
+divorces in the world are "made in America."
+
+No doubt, even Solomon told each of his 700 wives that he had merely
+_thought_ he loved the others, but that _she_ was the only girl he "ever
+really cared for" in just that way.
+
+Love is what makes a man appear blissfully happy, when a woman is
+mussing up the precious wisp of hair across his bald spot.
+
+Love is what makes a woman laugh delightedly when a man is telling her
+for the second time, a story which she knew by heart before he told it
+to her the first time.
+
+All this "sex-antagonism" must have started when Adam brought in the
+first rabbit and ordered Eve to make it into Chicken-a-la-King.
+
+When a man takes a notion to marry, he doesn't start following it up--he
+merely stops running away.
+
+A woman is young until the light dies out of her last lover's eyes.
+
+Whenever a pretty girl runs her fingers through his hair, a cautious
+bachelor can't help thinking of what happened to Samson.
+
+Success in flirtation, as in gambling, consists in "getting out of the
+game" at the psychological moment before your luck begins to turn.
+
+Being a husband's "economic equal" may be awfully noble and advanced;
+but it usually means being all of his ribs and most of his vertebrae.
+
+Men have been classified as "what women marry." They have two feet, two
+hands and sometimes two wives--but never more than one collar-button or
+one idea at a time.
+
+When a man says, "Nobody understands me," don't fancy he is suffering.
+He is merely trying to let you know, in a modest way, that he is a
+profound, fascinating mystery.
+
+A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third,
+takes the fourth, accepts the fifth--and endures all the rest of them.
+
+After two years, an engagement doesn't need to be broken; it just
+naturally sags in the middle and comes apart.
+
+Eve had as much choice in the matter of a husband as any other woman.
+She merely accepted what fate sent her, and pretended to have gotten her
+"ideal."
+
+It is not much comfort to be able to keep your husband's material body
+in the house evenings, when his astral body keeps wandering off to the
+club, every few minutes.
+
+In love, sweet are the uses of diversity!
+
+A woman's love "bursts into flower," but judging from the time it takes
+him to discover it, a man's love must be developed by the wearisome
+process of geological formation.
+
+If a man and a diamond are big and brilliant enough, one doesn't mind a
+few flaws in them; but, for some reason, Heaven knows why, a woman and a
+pearl are expected to be absolutely perfect.
+
+When Fate places a laurel wreath on the brow of a genius she hitches a
+plough to his shoulders and holds a Tantalus cup to his lips.
+
+It isn't the man who paints his virtues in three colors and begs her to
+marry him, but the one who paints his sins in vermilion and begs her to
+"save" him who usually wins the girl.
+
+If you want a man to propose don't try to make your family coddle him.
+Make them hate him, because a man never really "takes hold" until
+somebody begins to pull the other way.
+
+The man who falls in love at first sight never knows what has struck
+him, and therefore mercifully escapes all the agonizing slow-torture of
+feeling himself sink, inch by inch, into the quicksands of matrimony.
+
+Never believe that justice is all you owe your husband; what every man
+needs, from the woman who loves him, is faith, hope and charity--and
+above all, _mercy_.
+
+Even a coquette can be loyal to one man--until she prefers another; but
+a man's heart is like a ferry-boat--always going backward and forward,
+and never staying "docked."
+
+Soft, sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing--that is what a little
+boy loves to eat and a grown man prefers to marry.
+
+
+
+
+SECOND INTERLUDE
+
+
+TO find your mate--that is luck; to know him when you find him--that is
+inspiration; to win him when you know him--that is art; and to keep him
+when you've won him--that is a _miracle_.
+
+A woman wastes more time in dreaming over a past flirtation than it
+would take a man to start a half dozen new ones.
+
+Flattery affects a man like any other sort of "dope." It stimulates and
+exhilarates him for the moment, but usually ends by going to his head
+and making him act foolish.
+
+The only way to be happy in this world is to take men and flirtations as
+they come--and _let them go_ as they go.
+
+Almost any straight path of devotion will lead to a woman's heart. It's
+this zigzagging from sentiment to cold fear and from adoration to
+self-preservation, that makes the way so long and dangerous for the
+average man.
+
+Solomon may have been the most famous _husband_ who ever lived, but as a
+_hero_ he isn't in it with the man who manages to get along happily and
+contentedly all through life with just _one_ wife!
+
+Woman! The peg on which the wit hangs his jest, the preacher his text,
+the cynic his grouch, and the sinner his justification!
+
+Everybody seems to be going through life at automobile speed nowadays;
+but alas, there are no sentimental garages by Life's wayside at which we
+may obtain a fresh supply of emotions, purchase a new thrill or patch up
+an exploded ideal.
+
+A man's work lasts from sun to sun, but his excuses for staying late at
+the office are never done.
+
+Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler
+instincts and his higher nature--and another woman to help him forget
+them.
+
+Never rush into a love affair. Love is a waiting game, which requires
+nerve, concentration, and a poker face.
+
+The average man marries one woman just in order to escape from a lot of
+others--and then flirts with a lot of others just in order to forget
+that he is married to one.
+
+Once a girl's heart beat faster at the sound of her sweetheart's
+footstep on the garden path; but now it requires the hum of a
+twelve-cylinder motor-car to rouse her from her lassitude.
+
+The one thing about love-making that the modern man simply can't
+understand is that, in order to make it thrilling and interesting, he
+must really put a little _love_ in it.
+
+In the war of the sexes a woman hides her scars of battle beneath a
+smile and a coat of rouge. A man goes about displaying his as proudly as
+though they were medals.
+
+Occasionally one meets a man who plunges into a love affair as he
+plunges into the surf, but most of them just sit back lazily on the
+beach and let the waves of emotion splash harmlessly over them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          THE GREATEST SHOCK
+          A TEMPERAMENTAL
+          WOMAN CAN RECEIVE
+          IS TO WAKE UP AND
+          FIND THAT SHE IS
+          MARRIED TO A HUMAN
+          BEING INSTEAD OF AN
+          IDEAL
+
+[Illustration: Married to a human being . . .]
+
+
+
+
+BRIDES
+
+"NEVERS" FOR THE "RIB."
+
+
+NEVER ask him to kiss you. Make your kisses a privilege, not a duty; a
+luxury, not a morning and evening "chore."
+
+Never refuse to kiss him--but sometimes keep him waiting a little while.
+Love thrives so much better on the stimulant of suspense than on the
+anaesthetic of memory.
+
+Never question him about his past love affairs. It is not the women he
+_has loved_, but those he _has not yet loved_, who will bother you.
+
+Never fling your old flames in his face. If you do he will soon cease to
+be jealous of the men you "might have married" and begin to _envy_ them.
+
+Never accuse him of being less ardent than he was before he married you.
+Many a husband would never discover that he was no longer madly in love,
+if his wife did not keep constantly reminding him of it.
+
+Never chide him for the same fault more than once.
+
+A man can become so accustomed to the thought of his own faults that he
+will begin to cherish them as charming little "personal
+characteristics."
+
+Never refer to your own defects. A man always accepts a woman at her own
+valuation; and he doesn't prize anything that advertises herself as a
+"second."
+
+Never laugh at him. Woman is supposed to be the only human joke and man
+the only laughing animal--except the hyena.
+
+Never _cry_ before him. A woman's tears soon wash all the color out of a
+man's love; after the third deluge they have no power to move
+him--except to move him out of the house.
+
+Never threaten him, scold him nor argue with him. _Act!_ A woman's
+arguments affect a man as water does a cat. He simply waits for them to
+dry up--and then he goes out and does as he pleases.
+
+Never doubt his word--even when you _know_ he is _lying_. A husband is
+like religion: to give you any real comfort, he must be taken with blind
+faith.
+
+Never put him on a leash. The dog or the husband that has to be tied is
+always the one that eventually has to be advertised in the "lost"
+columns.
+
+Never forget that marriage should be a privilege, not a prison; home a
+refectory, not a reformatory; and wives jolliers, and not jailers.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+SYNCOPATIONS
+
+
+A "SOUL-MATE" is seldom the siren who manages to drive a man to
+distraction, but just the sympathetic little thing who always happens to
+come along when he is _looking for distraction_.
+
+Hanging on a man's word may flatter him, but hanging on his neck merely
+frightens him.
+
+Every gay dog has his day--after.
+
+One may be loved forever! It is the vain desire to go on being a
+"heart-breaker" after one's flirting days are over that constitutes the
+real tragedy of age.
+
+A man regards a woman's love first as an unattainable dream, then as a
+boon, then as a blessing, then as a right, then as a matter-of-course--and,
+last, as a punishment.
+
+A man's idea of "preserving the unities" is to find out what side of an
+argument his wife is on, and then take the other side, in order to keep
+it from sagging.
+
+After a bachelor's heart has been patched up, cut down and remodeled to
+fit the romantic ideal of one girl after another, there is seldom enough
+of it left to go all the way around the honeymoon.
+
+There is no question of degree in matrimony. You can be a little bit in
+love or a little bit ill; but you can't be a little bit married or a
+little bit dead.
+
+Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment
+in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.
+
+If your husband is wrapped up in his work from 9 A.M. to 6 P.M. you
+needn't bother to investigate his morals. Satan wouldn't waste his
+talents trying to tempt a man with so little time and energy for the
+devil's business.
+
+You can't argue, frighten or nag a man into loving you just because he
+"ought to"--because, dearie, love is not exactly a man's feeling for a
+thought-censor, a creditor or a critic-on-the-hearth.
+
+There are more ways of killing a man's love than by strangling it to
+death--but that's the usual way.
+
+In matters of the heart most men are still in a state of barbarism,
+slightly tempered by woman.
+
+A man is never old until his spirit is worn out, his rosy hopes have
+turned gray, his illusions have faded and he has wrinkles on his heart.
+
+An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his pockets full of money,
+his digestion in good condition and his wife in the country.
+
+Every time a man hits a woman's vanity he makes a dent in her love.
+
+A man's first lie wounds a woman's heart, the second breaks it, the
+third mends it, and all the rest simply harden it.
+
+Dissimulation is the price of peace--but it's awfully hard for a married
+woman to preserve the peace by deceiving her husband into thinking that
+he is deceiving her, every time he tries.
+
+Of course men are not so suspicious as women. A woman in love would be
+jealous of a store dummy; but how can a man possibly suspect that any
+girl on whom he may bestow himself could ever think of anybody else?
+
+A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a
+beautiful woman fascinates him--but the considerate woman _gets_ him.
+
+There never was a man too nearsighted to see the look of admiration in a
+pretty woman's eyes.
+
+WIFE: The woman from whom a man failed to escape and to whom he
+complacently refers as "the little woman _I married_."
+
+MARRIAGE: The intermission between the wedding and the divorce.
+
+WEDDING: The point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins
+roasting her.
+
+Most girls, nowadays, would give a lot for a few solid vows, a few
+unshrinkable signs of devotion and a really convincing kiss.
+
+It isn't a husband's disinclination to listen to his wife's
+conversation, but that "I-am-ready-to-bear-with-you" expression with
+which he does it that grates on her nerves so.
+
+The average man has so much heart that he apparently thinks it a pity to
+waste it all on one woman.
+
+Alas! Why is it that when your cup of happiness is full _somebody_
+always jogs your elbow!
+
+Never judge a man's love by the ardor of his first kiss, nor by the
+tenderness of his second, but by the eagerness with which he seeks the
+third.
+
+When it comes to making love, a girl can always listen so much faster
+than a man can talk.
+
+If nothing but their heart-strings became entangled, people would not
+find the marriage tie so binding; it is a man's purse-strings and a
+woman's apron-strings that really form the Gordian knot.
+
+In love, a man loses first his head, then his vanity, then his
+poise--and, last of all, his heart.
+
+It is much more comfortable to be considered a "little devil" and get a
+credit mark every time you do anything right, than to be considered an
+"angel" and get a black mark every time you do anything human.
+
+Love is a game at which a woman must play against stacked cards, and
+without the slightest inkling of the trump.
+
+A woman's last resort is henna--a man's Gehenna.
+
+To a woman marriage is the beginning of life; to a man it is the end of
+"liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
+
+Perfect wife: That which a married man always fancies he might have
+gotten if he had kept on experimenting a little longer.
+
+Why is it that, no matter how much a man thinks of one girl, he can't
+help thinking of a lot of others at the same time?
+
+Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be satisfied if you can
+just manage to chip it in a brand new place.
+
+          IT IS QUITE CORRECT
+          TO SEND YOUR FORMER
+          HUSBAND A GIFT ON
+          THE ANNIVERSARY OF
+          YOUR DIVORCE, IN REMEMBRANCE
+          OF "THE
+          MANY HAPPY DAYS
+          WHICH YOU HAVE
+          SPENT--APART"
+
+[Illustration: In remembrance.]
+
+
+
+
+DIVORCES
+
+
+LOVE, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.
+
+Most marriages, nowadays, seem built for speed rather than for
+endurance.
+
+A divorcee is one who has graduated from the Correspondence School of
+Experience.
+
+Marriage, according to the merry Widow-reno, is a "perfectly lovely
+experience to have _had_!"
+
+Grass Widow: The angel whom a man loved, the human being he married, and
+the devil he divorced.
+
+Most actresses are married--now and then; most literary women--off and
+on; most society women--from time to time.
+
+    In olden days, the lover cried, in burning words and brave,
+    "Oh darling, be my Queen, my Bride--and let me be your slave!"
+    But nowadays, he murmurs, over cigarette and tea,
+    "Say, when you get your _next_ divorce, will you (puff) marry me?"
+
+When a woman obtains her second divorce, one hardly knows whether to
+class her as a good loser, a bad chooser, or just a "poor sport."
+
+Why is it that when a man hears that a woman has had a "past," he is
+always so anxious to brighten up her present?
+
+Many a woman's sole reason for getting a divorce is because she is tired
+of holding onto heaven with one hand and onto a man with the other.
+
+When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they
+"don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last,
+begun to.
+
+That "just-after-the-divorce" feeling is not the exhilarating thing many
+people imagine it. It is more like the mingled sensation of pain and
+relief that comes the moment after you have removed a tight slipper and
+before the ache has subsided.
+
+Divorce is the Great Divide, over which most men expect to pass into the
+Happy Hunting Grounds.
+
+Reno! The land of the free and the grave of the home!
+
+
+
+
+THIRD INTERLUDE
+
+
+IN the abstract a man admires nobility and intelligence in a woman; but
+in the concrete he always prefers a bird of Paradise to a wren, a
+decoration to an inspiration and incense to common sense.
+
+"Intuition" is what a man calls a girl's ability to see through him,
+before marriage; "suspicion" is what he calls it, after marriage.
+
+Satan, himself, could no doubt make any woman love him, if he took the
+trouble to convince her that it was "her beauty that drove him to
+Hades."
+
+Of course, polygamy is dreadful; but, at least, an Oriental wife can
+come within four or five guesses of knowing where her husband spends his
+evenings.
+
+Take care of a woman's vanity--and her love will take care of itself.
+
+Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam the apple, woman's
+punishment has been to have to supply a man with food and then suffer
+the consequences when it disagrees with him.
+
+The wings of love are not clipped by marriage; they merely _molt_ for
+lack of exercise.
+
+All love is 99.44 per cent pure: pure imagination, pure vanity, pure
+curiosity, pure folly or whatever else it happens to be.
+
+Don't waste your tears on the girls a heart-breaker _should_ have
+married and didn't; save them for the girl he _will_ marry and
+_shouldn't_.
+
+It requires a little moisture to make a postage stamp stick and a little
+cold water of indifference to make a sweetheart stick.
+
+There are only two kinds of perfectly faultless men--the dead and the
+deadly.
+
+In order to see a man in his most interesting colors a woman always has
+to scrape off a lot of unnecessary whitewashing.
+
+Marriage is a discord that turns "Love's Old Sweet Song" from a eulogy
+into an elegy.
+
+The height of the average girl's ambition is just about six feet.
+
+You can always cure a man of love-sickness with "mental suggestion"
+merely by suggesting to him that the girl is trying to marry him.
+
+Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism
+are extracted without an anaesthetic.
+
+Jealousy is the false alarm that wakes us up from love's young dream.
+
+The most successful men are not those who have been inspired by a wise
+woman's love, but those who have perspired in order to gratify a foolish
+woman's whims.
+
+It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing than to keep one lover
+after he has stopped guessing.
+
+A man's soul lies so close to his digestion that when he looks blue and
+downhearted, a woman never knows whether to offer him a kiss, a meal, a
+dose of philosophy or a dyspepsia tablet.
+
+A woman is so complex that she can prove to a man by every possible
+convincing argument that she feels nothing but platonic friendship for
+him, at the same time that she is thinking how she would like to run her
+fingers through his hair.
+
+One reason why a man's life is so much fuller than a woman's is because
+he spends nearly three-quarters of it in hunting up things for a woman
+to do.
+
+Oh yes, a woman always looks up to a brave, strong man whom she can
+respect--and then nine times out of ten, goes and marries some pallid
+weakling whom she can "mother."
+
+A man spends his boyhood struggling against an education, his youth
+struggling against matrimony and his middle-age struggling against
+embonpoint; but sooner or later he succumbs to all of them.
+
+No man wants an "equal" but an angel. If Satan himself should decide to
+marry he wouldn't go around looking for a congenial little Satanette,
+but for a paragon who had a pull with St. Peter.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          HALF A LOVE
+          IS BETTER
+          THAN NONE
+
+[Illustration: Half a love . . .]
+
+
+
+
+WIDOWS
+
+
+A WIDOW is a fascinating being with the flavor of maturity, the spice of
+experience, the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced coquetry, and
+the halo of one man's approval.
+
+Second mourning is that interesting period, at which a widow continues
+to weep with one eye while she begins to flirt with the other.
+
+When a widow comes in at the door, a debutante's chances fly out of the
+window.
+
+No matter how many wrinkles a widow may have in her face, she always has
+enough at her fingertips to offset them.
+
+Even a dead husband gives a widow some advantage over a spinster; the
+very debts her husband left afford her something to boast about to the
+unmarried woman who has only her own board bills to pay.
+
+A girl takes a man for better or for worse--but a widow merely takes him
+for granted.
+
+Girls are the milk and honey which sweeten a man's life; widows, the
+caviare and wine which relieve its flatness and give it spice and
+piquancy.
+
+A girl knows exactly what kind of man she wants to marry; but a widow
+knows all the kinds she _doesn't_ want to marry, and usually makes a
+safe selection by the wise process of elimination.
+
+A widow's chief consolation in remarrying is probably that she finds it
+less exhausting to sit up and wait for one man to come home evenings,
+than to sit up and wait for a lot of them to go home.
+
+Widows have all the honor and glory without any of the trials of
+matrimony; a live husband may be a necessity, but a dead one is a
+luxury.
+
+Matrimony is the price of love--widowhood, the rebate.
+
+
+
+
+IMPROVISATIONS
+
+
+SPRING flowers are like spring love, so sweet and tender, but doomed to
+fade quickly; it's in the autumn of life, or of the year, that we get
+the hardy variety of either.
+
+A man may honestly admire a superior woman; but when it comes to
+marrying, he usually looks about for something far enough beneath him to
+enjoy being ordered about and patted on the head.
+
+A girl's heart is like her dressing-table--crowded with tenderly
+cherished little souvenirs of love; a man's, like his pipe, is carefully
+cleaned and emptied after each flame has gone out.
+
+A man doesn't ask a girl to "name the day" any more; he merely pleads
+guilty to loving her and then closes his eyes while she passes sentence
+on him and decide when he shall begin "serving time."
+
+When a woman reforms she bleaches her conscience down to the roots as
+she does her hair; a man simply gives his a coat of whitewashing so that
+he will have a nice, clean space in which to begin all over again.
+
+When a bachelor sniffs through his letters before opening them in the
+morning, it is not a sign that he is looking for dynamite, but that he
+is looking for a note bearing a brand of sachet which he has mistaken
+for some girl's "sweet personality."
+
+At the awakening from love's young dream the woman's first thought is,
+"How can I break his heart?" The man's, "How can I break away?"
+
+A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her imagination,
+and then they both speak of it as an affair of "the heart."
+
+No, Clarice, a man's idea of being loved isn't exactly being followed
+around with a hot water bottle, a box of pills and the eternal question:
+"Do you love me as much as ever?"
+
+One grass widow doesn't make a summer resort--but she can always make it
+interesting.
+
+When a man has baggy trousers nowadays it is from falling on his knees
+to an automobile--not to a girl.
+
+A black lie always shows up against the dazzling background of truth;
+it's all the little white ones a man keeps telling you that can't be
+spotted or distinguished from the rest of his conversation.
+
+The only time when a sense of humor profits a woman anything is when she
+can laugh at herself for having tried to charm a man by dazzling him
+with it.
+
+Most men fall in love with a sudden jolt, and wake up to find that they
+are married to an "impulse."
+
+It's a lame love that has to be carried through the honeymoon in a
+three-thousand-dollar touring car.
+
+In the mathematics of a bachelor one kiss makes a flirtation, two kisses
+make one conquest, three kisses make a love-affair and four kisses make
+one tired.
+
+There are "chain-smokers" who light one cigarette from the dying end of
+another--and there are also "chain lovers" who light one flame from the
+dying embers of another.
+
+Eve had one advantage over all the rest of her sex. In his wildest
+moments of rage Adam never could accuse her of being "just like her
+_mother_!"
+
+Every woman has a different notion of an ideal husband; but every
+woman's ideal lover is the same impossible combination of saint and
+devil, brute and baby, hero and mollycoddle, that never is seen anywhere
+off the stage or outside the pages of a "best thriller."
+
+Love is a voyage of discovery, marriage the goal--and divorce the relief
+expedition.
+
+A man never can comprehend why a woman can't understand how he can be
+dead in love with one girl and acutely alive to the charms of a lot of
+others at the same time.
+
+Jealousy is the tie that binds--and binds--and binds.
+
+It is not the fear of being shipwrecked that keeps a bachelor from
+embarking on the sea of matrimony; it is the awful horror of being
+becalmed.
+
+Nowadays most women grow old gracefully; most men, disgracefully.
+
+A man can forgive a woman for having made a fool of herself over any man
+on earth--except himself.
+
+Eternity: The interval between the time when a woman discovers that a
+man is in love with her and the time when he finds it out himself and
+tells her about it.
+
+The follies which a man regrets the most, in his life, are those which
+he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
+
+In the average man's opinion the command, "Thou shalt not steal," does
+not apply to a kiss, a heart, an umbrella, an hotel or an after-dinner
+story.
+
+To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning; to a man, it
+is the beginning of the end.
+
+The qualities a man seeks in a bride no more resemble those he will want
+in a wife than a cabaret rag-ditty resembles a lullaby, but two years
+ahead is farther than any man can see when he is looking into a pretty
+girl's eyes.
+
+          YOU MAY GROOM, YOU MAY POLISH HIM UP AS YOU WILL,
+          BUT THE MARK OF THE "M A R R I E D  M A N" CLINGS TO HIM STILL.
+
+[Illustration: You may polish him up . . .]
+
+
+
+
+WIDOWERS
+
+
+THE tenderest, most impressionable thing on earth is the heart of a
+yearling widower.
+
+Of course it is easier to marry a widower than a bachelor. A man who has
+been through the Armageddon of _one_ marriage has no spirit of battle
+left in him.
+
+When a widow begins curling her hair, again, or a widower begins
+worrying about his thinness on top, Cupid chuckles and gets out his
+arrows and Satan smiles behind his hand.
+
+In the matrimonial market a seasoned bachelor is just a shop-worn
+remnant; a divorce is a cast-off, second-hand article; but a widower is
+a treasured heirloom inherited only through death.
+
+After his wedding day, a man usually tucks all the flattering adjectives
+and tender nothings in his vocabulary away in a pigeon-hole and marks
+them "Not to be opened until widowerhood."
+
+Perhaps there may not be so much excitement in marrying a widower; but
+there is a lot more comfort in getting something that another woman has
+broken to double harness than in lashing yourself to a bucking bronco
+fresh from the wild.
+
+No matter how unhappy a man may have been with his first wife nothing on
+earth will make him flatter her successor by acknowledging that she was
+not a combination of Circe, St. Cecilia and the Venus di Milo.
+
+The girl who marries a widower may be a sort of "second edition," but
+the girl who marries a seasoned bachelor is apt to be a forty-second
+edition.
+
+When a widower vows he will "never marry again," listen for the wedding
+bells! The "Never-agains" are the easiest fruit in the Garden of Love.
+It's the "Never-at-alls!" who are harder than a newsboy's conscience,
+colder than yesterday's kiss, and less impressionable than a
+boarding-house steak.
+
+If a woman could foresee how irresistible her husband would look with a
+bereaved expression on his face and a black band on his coat sleeve, it
+would give her the strength to live forever.
+
+Some widowers _are_ bereaved--others, relieved.
+
+A man may forget all about how to make love during ten years of
+matrimony, but it's wonderful how quickly he can brush up on the fine
+points again after he becomes a widower.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FOURTH INTERLUDE
+
+
+A MAN always looks at a woman through either the right or the wrong end
+of a telescope, and thus always sees her as a divinity or a devil--never
+as a human being.
+
+Business girl's motto: "Better marry and be a poor man's slave than stay
+single and be a rich man's stenographer."
+
+When a clever girl lets fly the arrows of wit she should be careful to
+see that a man's vanity is not the bull's eye.
+
+It is difficult for a man to reconcile a girl's absorbing interest in
+picture-hats, pearl powder, and Paquin models with real brains; but
+somehow his own enthusiasm for baseball and golf never seems to him
+incompatible with superior intelligence.
+
+Don't fancy your husband has ceased to love you merely because he no
+longer seems to notice your presence around the house; wait until he
+gets so that he doesn't even notice your absence.
+
+A good husband is one who will get up and lift the ice off the
+dumbwaiter instead of lying back and lifting his voice to tell you how
+to do it without "hurting your itsy bitsy fingers."
+
+The shallower a man's love, the more it bubbles over into eloquence.
+When his emotions go deep, words stick in his throat, and have to be
+hauled out of him with a derrick.
+
+To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
+little; to be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to
+understand her at all.
+
+A man with _savoir faire_ may scintillate in a crowd, but it takes a
+"bashful man" to shine in a dim cozy corner.
+
+Every bride fancies that she married the original "cave-man" until she
+tries to persuade him to go out and argue with the furniture-movers.
+
+What a man calls his conscience in a love affair is merely a pain in his
+vanity, the moral ache that accompanies a headache, or the mental action
+that follows a sentimental reaction.
+
+It never pays to compromise! Cheap clothes, cheap literature, cheap
+sports, cheap flirtations--a life filled with these is nothing but an
+electric flash, advertising "something just as good."
+
+Just at first, every man seems to fancy that it takes nothing but brute
+force and determination to run an automobile or a wife; after the
+smash-up he changes his mind.
+
+Brains and beauty are an impossible combination in a woman--not
+necessarily impossible to _find_, but impossible to _live with_.
+
+When a woman looks at a man in evening dress, she sometimes can't help
+wondering why he wants to blazon his ancestry to the world by wearing a
+coat with a long tail to it.
+
+When a man says he loves you don't ask him "Why," because by the time he
+has found his reason he will undoubtedly have lost his enthusiasm.
+
+Pshaw! It is no more reasonable to expect a man to love you tomorrow
+because he loves you today, than it is to assume that the sun will be
+shining tomorrow because the weather is pleasant today.
+
+Sending a man a sentimental note, just after he has spent the evening
+with you, has about the same thrilling effect as offering him a
+sandwich, immediately after dinner.
+
+A "good woman," according to Mrs. Grundy, is one who would scorn to
+sacrifice society for the sake of a man but will cheerfully sacrifice
+the man she marries for the sake of society.
+
+The flower of a man's love is not an immortelle, but a morning-glory;
+which fades the moment the sun of a woman's smiles becomes too intense
+and glowing.
+
+The sweetest part of a love affair is just before the confession when
+you begin discussing love in the abstract and gazing concretely into one
+another's eyes.
+
+Marriage is a photogravure made from the glowing illusions which Love
+has painted on the canvas of the heart.
+
+A woman may have to reach heaven before she tastes supernal joy; but to
+taste supreme punishment she has only to watch the love-mist die out of
+a man's eyes.
+
+Nothing frightens a man like a woman's stony silence. Somehow in spite
+of his lack of intuition, he has a subconscious premonition that her
+love is _dead_ when she is too weary and disinterested to "_answer
+back_."
+
+The satisfaction in flattering a man consists in the fact that, whether
+you lay it on thick or thin, rough or smooth, a little of it is always
+bound to stick.
+
+Love is a furnace in which the man builds the fire, and forever
+afterward expects the woman to keep it glowing, by supplying all the
+fuel.
+
+The gods must love summer flirtations--they die so young.
+
+A man may have heart enough to love more than one woman at a time, but
+unless he is a fatalist he should have brains enough not to try it.
+
+When love dies a wise married couple give its ashes a respectful burial,
+and hang a good photograph of it on the wall for the benefit of the
+public.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          EVERY TIME A MAN
+          FALLS IN LOVE HE
+          FANCIES THAT HE HAS
+          JUST DISCOVERED A
+          BRAND NEW SENSATION;
+          BUT, ALAS, IT ALWAYS
+          TURNS OUT, LIKE THE
+          HOTEL SOUP, TO BE
+          JUST THE SAME OLD
+          "STOCK" WITH A DIFFERENT
+          FLAVORING
+
+[Illustration: A brand new sensation . . .]
+
+
+
+
+SECOND MARRIAGES
+
+HINTS ON HOW TO CONDUCT ENCORE PERFORMANCES OF THE CEREMONY
+
+
+A BRIDE at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to _see_
+what she is getting.
+
+Always send your former husband a notice of your marriage; true
+politeness consists in giving pleasure to others.
+
+If you meet your ex-husband's fiancee, treat her with sympathetic
+courtesy. Remember that she is more to be pitied than scorned.
+
+If the bridegroom does not show up, marry the best man. After a few
+weeks you will not be able to notice the difference between them. Either
+will make you the same old excuses, tell you the same stories and give
+you the same "stock" kisses in the morning.
+
+When your second husband begins to speak wistfully of your first
+husband, do not chide him; remember that misery loves company, and
+perhaps it is a comfort to him to think that some one else has been as
+foolish as he has.
+
+Never consider your wedding a settled thing until you have gotten the
+man to the altar. The primary rule for marrying is "First catch your
+husband!"
+
+Besides, there's many a slip 'twixt the license and the certificate--and
+you may let him slip.
+
+In selecting husbands, always consider that it is quality, not quantity,
+that counts.
+
+One or two marriages, like one or two drinks, may not have any visible
+effect upon you. But don't make it a custom.
+
+A woman marries the first time, you know, for love, the second time for
+companionship, the third time for a support--and the rest of the time
+just from habit.
+
+When marrying a second time refrain from asking your friends what they
+think about it. Remember that they all think you are a fool.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+INTERMEZZO
+
+
+A MAN'S kisses are first reverent, then rapturous, then tender, then
+casual, and last--charitable.
+
+The hardest thing in life is to discover the exact geographical location
+of a man's grouch--whether it is in his tooth, his vanity or his
+digestion, or is just a chronic condition of the whole system.
+
+Being in love is like a fascinating spin at will in an automobile; being
+married, like a trolley trip on rails, with somebody ringing the bell at
+you every few minutes.
+
+A woman's love is composed of maternal tenderness, childlike
+inconsistency, torturing jealousy and sublime unselfishness--and how is
+a man ever going to comprehend a mixture like that?
+
+Alas, why is it that the most popular and fascinating women are so often
+the last to marry, and then nearly always pluck either a broken stick
+from the tide of life or a brand from the burning?
+
+Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled
+some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in
+the same way more than half of the time.
+
+A woman always wants her photograph to flatter her, but a man is
+perfectly satisfied if he gets one that looks as fascinating and
+impressive as he thinks he does.
+
+A jealous husband can put two and two together--and make fourteen.
+
+When a man hesitates to propose to a girl he is never quite sure whether
+it is the fear of being "turned down" or the fear of being "taken up"
+which paralyzes him.
+
+Spring is the time of the year when the eternal monotony of the daily
+grind gives a man brain-fag--and the eternal monotony of any one girl
+appears to give him heart-fag.
+
+A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man and
+takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.
+
+Of course, a girl hates to wound a man; but sometimes, after a painful
+parting, it would seem so much more artistic if he would only _remain_
+"wounded" just a little longer.
+
+Making a man promise to drop a woman simply excites his sympathy for
+her, so that, before he has fairly cut the string, he is anxious to tie
+a knot in it again.
+
+The hardest task of a girl's life, nowadays, is to prove to a man that
+his intentions are serious.
+
+Love, without faith, illusions and trust, is--Lord forgive us--cinders,
+ashes and dust!
+
+A man who strays for love of a woman may sometimes be reclaimed; but the
+man who strays for love of amusement or love or novelty will never "stay
+put" for any girl.
+
+Most girls, nowadays, would give almost as much for a little genuine
+sentiment and a really convincing kiss, as for a genuine "old master"
+and a really convincing novel.
+
+There are a hundred things that the cleverest man in the world never
+_can_ understand--and ninety-nine of them are women.
+
+Many a man who is too tender-hearted to pour salt on an oyster will pour
+sarcasm all over his wife's vanity and then wonder why she always
+shrivels up in her shell at the sight of him.
+
+A grub may become a butterfly, but the man who marries a butterfly,
+expecting to turn her into a grub, should remember that nature never
+works that way.
+
+A married man's hardest cross is not to be able to brag to his wife
+about the women who "tried to flirt with him."
+
+Plato has lured more men into matrimony than Cupid. A man can _see_ an
+arrow coming and dodge it, but platonic friendship strikes him in the
+back.
+
+Many a man has started out to "string" a girl, and gotten so tangled up,
+that the string ended in a marriage tie.
+
+Habit is the cement which holds the links of matrimony together when the
+ties of romance have crumbled.
+
+He that telleth a secret unto a married man may prepare himself for a
+lot of free advertising; for, lo, the conjugal pillow is the root of all
+gossip.
+
+To make a man perfectly happy tell him he works too hard, that he spends
+too much money, that he is "misunderstood" or that he is "different;"
+none of this is necessarily complimentary, but it will flatter him
+infinitely more than merely telling him that he is brilliant, or noble,
+or wise, or good.
+
+After a woman has lain awake half the night in order to be able to call
+her husband in time to catch his train it's rather hard to be hated for
+it, just like an alarm clock.
+
+A man expects a woman to laugh at all his jokes, admire all his bon
+mots, agree with all his opinions, and be blind to all his faults--and
+then he scornfully wonders why women are so "hypocritical."
+
+A diamond and a lump of coal are merely two varieties of carbon; but
+they are as different as the two things which the right wife and the
+wrong wife can make of the same man.
+
+Sometimes man proposes--and then keeps the girl waiting until the Lord
+kindly interposes.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          A WOMAN
+          FLEES FROM
+          TEMPTATION,
+          BUT A MAN
+          JUST _CRAWLS_
+          AWAY FROM IT
+          IN THE CHEERFUL
+          HOPE
+          THAT IT MAY
+          OVERTAKE HIM
+
+[Illustration: A man just crawls away . . .]
+
+
+
+
+WOMAN--AND HER INFINITE VARIETY
+
+(A LEAF FROM ADAM'S DICTIONARY.)
+
+
+WOMAN--A divine creation for the comfort and amusement of mankind.
+
+RIB--That part of man's self of which he thinks the least and brags the
+most.
+
+WIFE (The Inferior Fraction)--The excuse for all a man's sins, the cause
+of all his failings, the keeper of his conscience, the guardian of his
+digestion, and the repository of his grouches.
+
+BETTER-HALF--The half that is always left at home.
+
+COQUETTE--Any woman who is so unreasonable as not to return a man's
+affections.
+
+FLIRT--Any woman, over whom a man has insisted on making a fool of
+himself.
+
+OLD MAID--An unmarried woman with more wrinkles than money.
+
+BACHELOR GIRL--An unmarried woman with more money than wrinkles.
+
+KITTEN--Any woman under sixty for whom a man feels a temporary
+tenderness.
+
+QUEEN--A pretty woman whom a man has not yet kissed.
+
+"IDEAL"--The particular woman, to whom a man happens to be making love.
+
+CLINGING VINE--A woman who allows her husband to think that he is having
+his own way.
+
+HELPMATE--A combination of playmate, soul-mate, and light-running
+domestic.
+
+GODDESS--An impossible woman, who exists only in novels and in a man's
+imagination.
+
+PARAGON--The kind of woman a man ought to marry, wants to marry, intends
+to marry--and never does.
+
+          PESSIMISM IS A MAN'S
+          NATURAL REACTION
+          AFTER TOO MUCH
+          OF ANYTHING--WINE,
+          LOVE, FOOD, FLIRTATION
+          OR OPTIMISM
+
+
+
+
+MAXIMS OF CLEOPATRA
+
+
+1
+
+  THESE three things Man feareth: Oysters out of season,
+  A Babe that plays with fire, and a Woman who can _reason_!
+
+
+2
+
+  Last year's sandals and yesterday's fish,
+  Last night's kisses and last week's wish
+  Are, to a Man, things gone and past;
+  Likewise _the woman before the last_!
+
+
+3
+
+  The soul of a man is white--or black, or yellow, or dun;
+  But a woman's soul is a rainbow and a Roman sash in one.
+
+
+4
+
+  Empty the words of the prayer, when the Pharisee prayeth aloud;
+  Empty the words of love, when he praiseth thee in a crowd.
+  Yet, he that is cold in the crowd, but seeketh thine ear when alone,
+  In the land of the Great God Isis by the name of "Cad" shall be known.
+
+
+5
+
+  As the pearl that I dropped in the glass can never again be mine,
+  So many a pearl of woman's love hath a man dissolved--in wine.
+
+
+6
+
+  Geese walk not alone; sheep will follow sheep;
+  So this little maxim I would have ye keep:
+  Would ye conquer _all_ men, make a fool of _one_--
+  The rest will turn toward thee, as lilies to the sun.
+
+
+7
+
+  The young man calleth for wine, the old for crystal water.
+  Seek not to enslave a _boy_ till thou art thirty, Daughter.
+
+
+8
+
+  When the game is over, vain the loser's sigh.
+  To thy parting lover, wave a gay good-by!
+  'Neath the storm-cloud bending, see the lily laugh.
+  If Love's reign be ending--write his epitaph!
+  Deck his grave with iris; blot away his name.
+  Isis and Osiris, make thy Daughter _game_!
+
+
+9
+
+  Flatter him boldly, Daughter, be he old or wise or callow;
+  For there is no meed of flattery that a man will fail to swallow.
+  Yet, after a time, desist; lest perchance, in his vanity,
+  He wonder why such a demi-god should stoop to a worm like thee!
+
+
+10
+
+  Call the bald man, "Boy;" make the sage thy toy;
+  Greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace.
+
+
+          WHERE IS THE SWEET,
+          OLD-FASHIONED WIFE
+          WHO USED TO GET UP
+          AT 6 O'CLOCK IN THE
+          MORNING AND COOK
+          HER HUSBAND'S
+          BREAKFAST? GONE,
+          GONE, ALAS, WITH
+          THE SWEET OLD-FASHIONED
+          HUSBAND
+          WHO USED TO COME
+          HOME AT 6 O'CLOCK
+          IN THE EVENING AND
+          _STAY THERE_
+
+
+
+
+FINALE
+
+
+ALL the love routes lead to a kiss--but some men make love with the
+directness of an express train, some as haltingly as a local and some
+with the charm, smoothness and variation of a "special."
+
+When a man complains of the girls who "pursue" him, don't forget that
+the mark of a real "girl-charmer" is his dead silence concerning all
+women except the one to whom he happens to be talking.
+
+A man's idea of displaying "resolution" appears to be first to find out
+what a woman wants him to do, and then to proceed "resolutely" not to do
+it.
+
+Presence of mind in love making is a sure sign of absence of heart; no
+man begins to be serious until he begins to be foolish.
+
+The girl a man marries is never the one he ought to marry or intended to
+marry, but just some "innocent bystander" who happened to be in the way
+at the psychological moment.
+
+A woman's heart is like a frame, which holds only one picture at a time;
+a man's is more like a cinemetograph.
+
+A man's love is not actually dead until he begins subconsciously to
+think of his wife as the person who makes him wear his rubbers, mow the
+lawn, put up the fly-screens, and explain where he has been all Saturday
+afternoon.
+
+The average man is so busy backing away from the girls he ought to marry
+that he usually backs right into the arms of the one woman under Heaven
+that he _ought not_ to marry.
+
+A man is like a motor-car which always balks on the trolley-tracks and
+runs at top speed down hill; a wife is the human brake that prevents him
+from going to destruction.
+
+When a girl refuses a man his greatest emotion is not disappointment,
+but astonishment that she should be so blind to her own luck.
+
+Nothing bores a man so much as for a woman to give him _all_ her
+love--when he wanted only a _little_ of it.
+
+Solomon was the only man who ever had six hundred and ninety-nine alibis
+when one of his wives detected the fragrance of another woman's sachet
+on his coat lapel.
+
+Every man "rocks the boat" of happiness at least once during a love
+affair--usually by trying to leap out of it before it lands in the port
+of Matrimony. All a man needs in order to win any woman is a little
+audacity, a little mendacity and plenty of pertinacity.
+
+The only chain that can bind love is an endless chain of compliments.
+
+When a woman doesn't marry it is usually because she has never met the
+man with whom she could be perfectly happy; but when a man remains
+single it is usually because he has never met the woman _without_ whom
+he could _not_ be perfectly happy.
+
+Most men expect to "reform" between the last dose of medicine and the
+last breath.
+
+Speaking of the modern advance in the "arts and crafts" it requires more
+art to get a husband and more craft to keep one nowadays, than it ever
+did.
+
+A frank man may be the noblest work of God, but he is as much of a
+nuisance in feminine society as a woman on a fishing trip.
+
+There is always a chance that a man may escape from the bonds of
+matrimony; but an old bachelor is wedded by all the bonds of nature to a
+collection of habits from which nothing but death can divorce him.
+
+By the time he marries, a bachelor's heart has been pressed, cleaned and
+mended so often that it will barely hold together through the
+honeymoon.
+
+It seems so unreasonable of man to expect a woman to think straight,
+walk straight, or talk straight, considering that she was made from his
+rib--the crookedest bone in his body.
+
+Motto for a married man's den: "Others love your wife, why not _you_?"
+
+A man's idea of being perfectly loyal to a woman is to "think of her
+always"--even when he is kissing another woman.
+
+Love is just a glittering illusion with which we gild the hard, cold
+facts of life--until all the world seems bright and shining!
+
+Most men are so busy dodging one love affair that they step right back
+under the wheels of another, and are fatally mangled.
+
+A brave man is always ready to "face the music"--provided it isn't that
+old tune from Lohengrin.
+
+If married couples would show as much respect for one another's personal
+liberty, habits and preferences as they do for one another's
+toothbrushes, love's young dream would not so often turn into a
+nightmare. It is the Siamese twin existence they impose on themselves
+that drives them to distraction or destruction.
+
+A man kills time with a golf stick; a woman with a lip-stick.
+
+It is foolish to fancy that a man is thinking of proposing to you; a man
+never proposes to any woman, until he has gotten past "thinking."
+
+If a man would employ a little more commonsense before marriage and a
+little more _incense_ afterwards, matrimony would be more of an
+inspiration and less of a visitation.
+
+Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
+
+The man who takes a kiss "for granted" doesn't stand a chance beside the
+man who takes it before it is granted.
+
+Husband: A miniature volcano, constantly smoking, usually grumbling, and
+always liable to violent and unexpected eruptions.
+
+On the journey of matrimony, there are no garages where punctured
+illusions can be patched up, shattered ideals mended, and empty hearts
+refilled.
+
+Of course a man is not as jealous as a woman--because it's so hard for
+him to believe that a girl on whom he bestows himself could possibly
+wish for anything better.
+
+The making of a husband out of a mere man is not a sinecure; it's one of
+the highest plastic arts known to civilization.
+
+Before marriage a woman says sweetly, "I understand you!" After marriage
+she says coldly, "I see through you!"
+
+          Oh, what is so stupid as last year's song,
+            So foolish as last year's fashion,
+          So completely forgotten as last year's girl,
+            And so dead as a last year's passion?
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+OTHER BOOKS BY HELEN ROWLAND
+
+
+
+
+THE SAYINGS OF MRS. SOLOMON
+
+Being the confessions of the 700th wife. A book that is much appreciated
+and is destined to entertain Helen Rowland's fast growing audience for
+years to come.
+
+"Yet whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it all the days of his life."
+
+          From the Sayings of Mrs. Solomon
+
+
+REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL
+
+Clever, cynical and witty, with a philosophical trend that will
+entertain men and woman alike--the older ones--the younger ones. Read
+this book for a mirror likeness to yourself.
+
+Border decorations in color size 5 x 7-1/2.
+
+                     A Laugh on Every Page
+
+
+
+
+THE WIDOW (TO SAY NOTHING OF THE MAN)
+
+Here is a little book of delightful love stories, brimful of clever,
+witty epigrams. The Widow is--well, say that she is lovable--only more
+so; and the Man--read, know and love both.
+
+Illustrated bound in boards 4-1/2 x 7-1/4.
+
+
+RUBAIYAT OF A BACHELOR
+
+An exceedingly clever parody both in verses and illustrations. Every
+yearning, timorous bachelor should read and ponder; so, too, each
+damsel, read and--"then, in your mercy, Friend, forbear to smile."
+
+Illustrations and border decorations by Harold Speakman, attractively
+bound in cloth with inlay in color size 5-3/4 x 7-1/2.
+
+                        A Laugh on Every Page
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Page 7, "discoverd" changed to "discovered" (Who has discovered)
+
+Page 32, extraneous closing quote removed from text. Original read:
+"guide," philosopher and friend"
+
+Page 73, "Corespondence" changed to "Correspondence" (from the
+Correspondence)
+
+Text uses both caveman and cave-man, commonsense and common-sense,
+goodby and good-by.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland
+
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