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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Guide to Men
+       Being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor Girl
+
+Author: Helen Rowland
+
+Release Date: December 8, 2009 [EBook #30630]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A GUIDE TO MEN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Emmy, Tor Martin Kristiansen and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+          THE MATERIAL FOR
+          THIS BOOK WAS COLLECTED
+          DIRECTLY
+          FROM NATURE AT
+          GREAT PERSONAL RISK
+          BY THE AUTHOR
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+A GUIDE TO MEN
+
+
+          A BACHELOR'S LIFE
+          IS ONE LONG
+          SOLO--USUALLY
+          A HYMN OF
+          THANKSGIVING
+
+
+
+
+A GUIDE TO MEN
+
+          BEING ENCORE
+          REFLECTIONS OF A
+          BACHELOR GIRL
+
+          _by_
+          HELEN
+          ROWLAND
+
+          [Illustration]
+
+          PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK BY
+          DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+          COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY DODGE
+          PUBLISHING COMPANY, NEW YORK
+
+
+
+          To
+          FANNIE HURST
+
+Who has discovered the secret of how to be happy, though wedded to an
+art and to a man at the same time.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+          Foreword _by_ Fannie Hurst     13
+
+          Overture                       17
+
+              _Prelude_                  19
+
+              _Refrain_                  21
+
+          Bachelors                      23
+
+              _First Interlude_          27
+
+          True Love--How to know it      35
+
+              _Variations_               38
+
+          Blondes                        42
+
+              _Cymbals & Kettle-drums_   44
+
+          What Every Woman Wonders       50
+
+              _Second Interlude_         58
+
+          Brides                         63
+
+              _Syncopations_             66
+
+          Divorces                       73
+
+              _Third Interlude_          75
+
+          Widows                         81
+
+              _Improvisations_           83
+
+          Widowers                       89
+
+              _Fourth Interlude_         92
+
+          Second Marriages               99
+
+              _Intermezzo_              102
+
+          Woman & Her Infinite Variety  109
+
+          Maxims of Cleopatra           112
+
+              _Finale_                  118
+
+          Curtain                       125
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+          . . . and interrupts him.           23
+
+          Places him on a pedestal . . .      35
+
+          Married to a human being . . .      63
+
+          In remembrance.                     73
+
+          Half a love . . .                   81
+
+          You may polish him up . . .         89
+
+          A brand new sensation . . .         99
+
+          A man just crawls away . . .       109
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FOREWORD
+
+
+A SMALL phial, I doubt not, could contain the attar of the epigrammatic
+literature of all time. Few of the perfumes of this diminutive form of
+wit and satire have survived. Pretty and scented vaporings, most of the
+thousands and thousands of them, that have died on the air of the
+foibles of their day.
+
+Yet how the pungent ones can persist! The racy old odors, which are as
+new as _now_, that still hover about the political and amorous quips of
+the Greeks. The nose-crinkling ones of the French, more vinegar-acrid
+than perfumed, although a seventeenth-century proverb calls France "a
+monarchy tempered by epigrams." The didactic Teutonic ones, sharply
+corrosive.
+
+The greatest evaporative of course of this form of _bon mot_ is mere
+cleverness. Wit is the attar which endures. The wit of Pope and
+Catullus, Landor, Voltaire, Rousseau and Wilde.
+
+That is what Rapin must have had in mind when he said that a man ought
+to be content if he succeeded in writing one really good epigram.
+
+Helen Rowland stands pleasantly impeached for writing many. She has a
+whizz to her swiftly cynical arrow that entitles her to a place in the
+tournament.
+
+She is not merely anagrammatical, scorns the couplet for the mere sake
+of the couplet, and has little time for the smiting word at any price.
+
+In the entire history of epigrammatic expression there are few if any
+whose fame rests solely upon the brittle structure of the _bon mot_.
+Martial, about whose brilliant brevities can scarcely be said to hover
+the odor of sanctity, is, I suppose, remembered solely as a wielder of
+the barbed word.
+
+Miss Rowland is balanced skilfully upon that same slender trapeze, doing
+a very deft bow-and-arrow act, her archery of a high order.
+
+She wields a wicked bow, a kindly bow, a swift, a sure, a ductile bow.
+
+Matrimony is her favorite target (so was it Bombo's and Herrick's and
+even political Parnell had his shot at it) and her little winged arrows
+are often bitingly pointed with philosophy, satire, wit and sometimes
+just a touch of good old home-brew American hokum.
+
+For this wise woman with the high-spirited bow behind her arrow, these
+little pages speak eloquently.
+
+                                                   FANNIE HURST.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+OVERTURE
+
+
+          Would you your sweetheart's secret seek to spell?
+              There are so many little ways to tell!
+          A hair, perhaps, shall prove him false or true--
+              A single hair upon his coat lapel!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+PRELUDE
+
+
+THE sweetest part of a kiss is the moment just before taking.
+
+Love is misery--sweetened with imagination, salted with tears, spiced
+with doubt, flavored with novelty, and swallowed with your eyes shut.
+
+Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a
+duty, and a lie from a luxury into a necessity.
+
+A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been
+extracted.
+
+A man's heart is like a barber shop in which the cry is always, "NEXT!"
+
+The discovery of rice-powder on his coat-lapel makes a college-boy
+swagger, a bachelor blush, and a married man tremble.
+
+It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son--and another
+woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
+
+By the time a man has discovered that he is in love with a woman, she is
+usually so fagged out waiting for the phenomenon, that she is ready to
+topple right over into his arms from sheer exhaustion.
+
+A man always asks for "just one kiss"--because he knows that, if he can
+get that, the rest will come without asking.
+
+Somehow, the moment a man has surrendered the key of his heart to a
+woman, he begins to think about changing the lock.
+
+There are only two ages, at which a man faces the altar without a
+shudder; at twenty when he doesn't know what's happening to him--and at
+eighty when he doesn't care.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+THE REFRAIN
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          THERE'S so much saint in the worst of them,
+              And so much devil in the best of them,
+          That a woman who's married to one of them,
+              Has nothing to learn of the rest of them.
+
+          SOMEHOW, JUST AT
+          THE PSYCHOLOGICAL
+          MOMENT WHEN A
+          BACHELOR FANCIES
+          THAT HE IS GOING TO
+          DIE FOR LOVE OF A
+          WOMAN, ANOTHER
+          WOMAN ALWAYS COMES
+          ALONG AND INTERRUPTS
+          HIM
+
+[Illustration: . . . and interrupts him.]
+
+
+
+
+BACHELORS
+
+
+THE modern bachelor is like a blotting pad; he can soak up all the
+sentiment and flattery a woman has to offer him, without ever spilling a
+drop.
+
+A confirmed bachelor is so sure of his ability to dodge, that he is
+willing to amuse every pretty girl he meets, by handing her a rope and
+daring her to catch him.
+
+A bachelor is a large body of egotism, completely surrounded by caution
+and fortified at all points by suspicion. His chief products are wild
+oats and cynicism; his chief industry is dodging matrimony; his
+undeviating policy "Protection!" and his watch-word, "Give me liberty or
+give me death!"
+
+The average bachelor is so afraid of falling into matrimony, nowadays,
+that he sprinkles the path of love with ashes instead of with roses.
+
+The care with which a bachelor chaperones himself would inspire even the
+duenna of a fashionable boarding school with envy.
+
+A bachelor's idea of "safety first" consists in getting tangled up with
+a lot of women in order to avoid getting tied up to one.
+
+He is an altruist who refrains from devoting himself to one woman in
+order that he may scatter sweetness and light amongst the multitude.
+
+There is nothing quite so intriguing to a bachelor as flirting with the
+"_idea of marriage_"--with his fingers crossed. He just loves to
+"consider marrying" in the abstract and to go about pitying himself for
+being so "lonely."
+
+There are three kinds of bachelors: the kind that must be driven into
+matrimony with a whip; the kind that must be coaxed with sugar; and the
+kind that must be blindfolded and backed into the shafts.
+
+If you want to be chosen to brighten a bachelor's life, first make it
+dark and dreary; so long as women are willing to make his existence one
+long sweet song, naturally he isn't anxious to exchange it for a
+lullaby.
+
+When a man actually asks a girl to marry him in these days of bachelor
+comforts and the deification of single-blessedness, she has a revelation
+of human unselfishness that stands as the eighth wonder of the world.
+
+That tired expression on a bachelor's face is not so often the result of
+brain-fag from an overworked mind as of heart-fag from overworking the
+emotions.
+
+Lovers look at life through rose-colored curtains; old bachelors see it
+through a fog.
+
+Somehow, a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of
+beauty and a boy forever!
+
+A bachelor fancies that it is his wonderful sixty-horse will-power that
+keeps him from marrying, whereas it is nothing but his little one-horse
+_won't-power_.
+
+One consolation in marrying a bachelor over forty is that he has fought
+so long and so hard to escape the hook that there is no more fight left
+in him.
+
+Never give up hope as long as a bachelor declares definitely, "No woman
+can _get_ me!" Wait until he is so sure of his immunity that he sighs
+regretfully, "No woman will _have_ me!"
+
+The "vicious circle" in a bachelor's opinion, is the platinum one on a
+woman's third finger.
+
+A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has
+the art to remain a bachelor.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FIRST INTERLUDE
+
+
+IN the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns--and turns--and turns!
+
+There are lots of "sure cures" for love, but the quickest and surest
+is--_another love_.
+
+If there were only two women and one man in the world, the man would
+marry the brunette and then spend the rest of his life peeping over her
+shoulder and trying to flirt with the blonde.
+
+A woman always embalms the corpse of a dead love; a man wisely cremates
+it, and plants a new love in the ashes.
+
+A fool and her money are soon courted.
+
+A woman's pity for a man who loves her against her will may be akin to
+love; but a man's pity for a woman who loves him without his permission
+is a twin brother to boredom.
+
+Marriage is the miracle which affords a woman a chance to gratify her
+vanity, pacify her family, mortify her rivals, and electrify her
+friends, all at the same time. Marriage is sweet!
+
+Love is what incites the caveman to drag a woman around by the hair and
+makes the civilized man permit a woman to drag _him_ around by the nose.
+
+The heart of a woman is a secret sanctuary where she is constantly
+burning incense and candles before a succession of idols of clay.
+
+Nowadays, a man's faith in women and heaven seems to disappear with his
+milk-teeth and to reappear again with his false teeth.
+
+To most men "repentance" is merely the interval between the headache and
+the next temptation.
+
+Most bachelors regard the "flower of love" as a species of poison ivy.
+
+Even Satan could find a woman to call him "Dearie," if he would simply
+tell her that all he needed was "a beautiful woman's uplifting
+influence."
+
+A man may be guilty of stealing a girl's heart, but he always feels hurt
+and indignant if she refuses to take it back again after he has finished
+with it.
+
+Woman's love--a mirror in which a man beholds himself glorified,
+magnified and deified.
+
+Always try to be the "guiding star" of a man's life, but never make the
+mistake of fancying that you are his whole planetary system.
+
+A woman must keep her conscience, her complexion and her reputation
+snow-white. But a man is satisfied if he can just manage to keep his so
+that they comply with the pure food laws.
+
+Art is inspiring, but you can't run your fingers through its hair; a
+career is absorbing, but you can't tie ribbons on the curls of your
+brain-children; work is ennobling, but, alas, it hasn't got a shoulder
+to cry on!
+
+When a girl refuses to kiss a man he is never disconcerted; he is merely
+astonished that she could be so blind to her own feelings.
+
+A summer resort is a place where a girl spends half her time in making
+herself alluring--and the other half in yearning for something to
+"lure."
+
+When a girl marries a man she is sadly aware that all his old
+sweethearts are wondering _how_ she did it, and that all her old
+sweethearts are wondering _why_.
+
+Marriage will never be safe until we stop making it an "ideal" and begin
+trying to make it a square deal.
+
+Just before marriage a man's coat lapel acquires that grayish look which
+comes from the constant contact with face powder, but it's wonderful how
+soon it brightens up and gets back its natural color after the wedding.
+
+Love is like appendicitis; you never know when nor how it is going to
+strike you--the only difference being that, after one attack of
+appendicitis, your curiosity is perfectly satisfied.
+
+No matter how many men have tried to flirt with her, a girl will step
+cheerfully up to the altar in the firm belief that she has found the one
+perfect human being in trousers who will never look at another woman.
+
+After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right
+through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he
+can look right through his wife without seeing her.
+
+A man recuperates so much more quickly from his remorse than a woman
+does from her indignation that by the time she has forgiven him he is
+tired of being good and ready to sin again.
+
+Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking
+about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you
+finish saying it.
+
+A man can never understand how a woman gets so much joy out of leading
+him all the way to the threshold of love and then sweetly closing the
+door in his face.
+
+Solitaire--the married woman's game.
+
+A man's greatest conquest is self-conquest; his greatest possession,
+self-possession; and his greatest love--Oh, well, you fill in the rest.
+
+Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants
+him to kiss her--when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to
+_want_ to kiss her?
+
+Plunging into a hasty marriage in order to escape from a foolish
+entanglement is like rushing under a trolley car in order to escape from
+a taxicab.
+
+Nowadays a girl's favorite way of committing suicide for love of a man,
+is to marry him and worry herself to death over him.
+
+A good wife is always her husband's "guide, philosopher and friend";
+also his guardian, digestion, conscience, time-table and valet.
+
+A man never knows how to say goodby; a woman never knows _when_ to say
+it.
+
+A woman's greatest "right" is the right husband.
+
+A woman might forgive a man for all his sins; it's that stained-glass
+attitude with which he decides to "give them up" when he is tired of
+them that exasperates her so.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          A MAN DOESN'T WANT
+          A WIFE WHO PLACES
+          HIM ON A PEDESTAL
+          OR KEEPS HIM ON A
+          FOOTSTOOL, BUT ONE
+          WHO WILL TAKE HIM
+          AS A MERE MAN--AND
+          LET HIM GO ON BEING
+          "MERE"
+
+[Illustration: Places him on a pedestal . . .]
+
+
+
+
+TRUE LOVE--HOW TO KNOW IT
+
+
+TRUE LOVE is nothing but friendship, highly intensified, flavored with
+sentiment, spiced with passion, and sprinkled with the stardust of
+romance.
+
+True Love can be no deeper than your capacity for friendship, no higher
+than your ideals, and no broader than the scope of your vision.
+
+True Love, in the cave man, is expressed by a desire to beat a woman,
+and to pull her around by the hair.
+
+True Love, in the Broadwayite, is expressed by an insatiable craving to
+_buy things_ for a woman.
+
+True Love, in a husband, is expressed by his willingness to give his
+wife anything, from the tenderest piece of steak to a divorce, if it
+will make her happy.
+
+True Love, in any man, is the essence of unselfishness; and the most
+selfish thing in the world. It is the selfishness that transcends
+selfishness; the vanity that puts egotism in the shade.
+
+True Love, in a bachelor, is exemplified by his willingness to marry a
+woman--against all his instincts, his sense of self-preservation, and
+his better judgment.
+
+True Love, in a born flirt, is evidenced by his inability to think of
+any _other woman_, while he is kissing a particular one.
+
+True Love, in an author, is demonstrated by his self-restraint, in
+refusing to make "copy" out of a love affair.
+
+True Love, in a college boy, is expressed by his ability to think of
+somebody besides himself for a whole hour at a time.
+
+It is the flash of light, by which one sees clearly that to do for
+another, give to another, and sacrifice for another, will get one the
+most happiness out of life.
+
+True Love, in the poet, is expressed in soul kisses, and by his
+inability to do any work for days at a time.
+
+We speak of "falling in love," as though it were a pit or an abyss; but
+True Love is the light on the mountain-top, to which we must eternally
+climb.
+
+True Love is a relic of the Victorian Age.
+
+It still exists, here and there, like the buffalo; but in the face of
+eugenics, feminism, and the growing masculine determination not to
+marry, it may some day have to take a place beside the Dinosaurus in the
+Public Museum.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+VARIATIONS
+
+
+FLIRTATION is a duel in which the combatants cross lies, sighs and
+eyes--and the coolest heart wins.
+
+Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and
+bottling the common-sense.
+
+In the medley of love a man's soul sings a sonata, while his heart plays
+a waltz and his pulse beats to rag-time.
+
+Better be a strong man's "rib" than a weak man's "backbone."
+
+True love isn't the kind that endures through long years of absence, but
+the kind that endures through long years of propinquity.
+
+A man seldom thinks of marrying when he meets his ideal woman; he waits
+until he gets the marrying fever and then idealizes the first woman he
+happens to meet.
+
+Love is what tempts a man to tell foolish lies to a woman and a woman to
+tell the fool truth to a man.
+
+It took seven hundred guesses for Solomon to find out what kind of a
+wife he wanted; and even then he seems to have had his doubts.
+
+The only thing more astonishing than the length of time a man's love
+will subsist on nothing is the celerity with which it is surfeited the
+moment it has any encouragement to feed on.
+
+Even when a man knows that he wants to marry a woman, she has to prove
+it to him with a diagram before he is really convinced of it.
+
+A man is so apt to mistake his love of experiment for love of a woman
+that half the time he doesn't know which is which.
+
+Why is it that a man never thinks he has tasted the cup of joy unless he
+has splashed it all over himself, as though it were his morning bath?
+
+A man is so versatile that he can read his newspaper with one set of
+brain-cells while he carries on a conversation with his wife with
+another set.
+
+A girl hides her emotions under a veil of modesty, a spinster under a
+cloak of cynicism, a wife under a mantle of tact, and a widow under a
+cloud of mystery--and then women wonder why they are "misunderstood."
+
+Proposing is a sort of acrobatic feat, in which a man must hang on to
+his nerve with one hand and to the girl with the other. If he lets go of
+either, he is lost.
+
+In love, as in poker, men play just to _play_--and then proceed to throw
+away what has been easily won, without any thought of its value. Thus
+gamblers so often die in poverty and Lotharios in loneliness.
+
+Nowadays, a truly chivalrous girl will "lie like a lady" in order to
+protect a trusting man's vanity.
+
+The woman who fascinates a man is not the one who looks up to him as the
+sun of her existence, but the one who merely looks down on him as one of
+the footlights.
+
+Don't doubt a man when he says, "I never loved like _this_ before." Each
+time a man falls in love with so much more ease and facility that he
+doesn't recognize it as the same old emotion at all.
+
+The first time a man lies to his wife he is surprised to discover how
+easy it is to do it. After that he is surprised to find out how hard it
+is _not_ to do it.
+
+A man always speaks of having "given" his heart to a woman as though he
+had done something generous and noble; whereas, nine times out of ten,
+she probably had to wrench it from him.
+
+About the only things in connection with his wife for which a man shows
+any respect after a few years of marriage are her reputation and her
+toothbrush.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+BLONDES
+
+
+NEXT to a mouse or a rich widow, there is nothing on earth that a normal
+girl dreads so much as a blonde.
+
+No matter how many brunettes a man may have married from time to time
+you can always be perfectly sure that there has been a blonde in his
+life.
+
+A woman with dark hair and eyes may make men admire her, but in order to
+make one of them _propose_ she must blondine her temperament down to the
+roots.
+
+The dusky Cleopatra may have succeeded in making fools of a few men, but
+it took a dizzy little blonde like Helen of Troy to make a lot of men
+make fools of _themselves_.
+
+In order to be popular with men, in these days, a brunette must be
+either brilliant, interesting, rich or beautiful; but a blonde doesn't
+have to be anything but a _blonde_.
+
+You may fight a brunette, dearie, as woman to woman, but when you fight
+a blonde you fight a cherished masculine tradition.
+
+Why is it that in all the novels and motion picture plays the vampires
+and adventuresses have dark hair and black eyes, while the innocent,
+persecuted angels are all blondes--whereas in real life it is always the
+other way 'round.
+
+Generally speaking, there are two kinds of blondes: blondes by birth and
+blondes by preference. These are subdivided into golden blondes, diamond
+blondes, strawberry blondes--and undecided blondes; that is, those who
+have not yet decided on their favorite shade.
+
+Sometimes illness turns a woman's hair gray, and sometimes it merely
+turns it dark at the roots. A little peroxide is a treacherous thing!
+
+All this talk about the "yellow peril" is nonsense. There is no more
+danger in permitting your husband to employ a pretty blonde stenographer
+than there is in throwing a lighted match into the wastebasket.
+
+When love flies out of the window the tame cat and the sympathetic
+blonde tip-toe in by opposite doors.
+
+
+
+
+CYMBALS AND KETTLE-DRUMS
+
+
+THIS is the great masculine question: Whether it is better to marry and
+live in the constant fear of one woman's frown or to stay single and
+live in deadly fear of every woman's smile.
+
+"Conscience doth make cowards of us all"--but not until we've emptied
+the bottle, tired of the flirtation and gotten our money's worth out of
+the game.
+
+Marriage--A souvenir of love.
+
+Wanted: A wife who can broil a steak with one hand, powder her nose with
+the other, rock the cradle with her foot and accompany herself on the
+harp. (_Signed_) EVERYMAN.
+
+When the girls admire him a young man takes it as a matter of course;
+but when a widow selects him for her attention he thrills with the
+knowledge that he is being stamped with the approval of a connoisseur.
+
+Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve
+you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to
+you.
+
+If Achilles' only vulnerable spot was in his heel, then his vanity must
+have gone to his feet, instead of to his head.
+
+You can't expect a woman to accomplish much in this life, since she is
+busy every minute of it either trying to _get_ some man, trying to _get
+along with_ one, or trying to _get rid of_ one.
+
+A man's wife is something like his teeth: He never thinks of her unless
+she happens to bother him.
+
+Life is a tale that is "told": the monk tells his beads, the seer tells
+fortunes, the lover tells lies--and a woman tells everything.
+
+To collect books is a sign of culture, to collect jewels a sign of
+wealth, but to collect husbands is a sign of paresis.
+
+A modern bachelor makes love with his hand on his pulse and his eye on
+the clock.
+
+Oh yes, there is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized
+man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
+
+A sympathetic woman is like a rose which a man wears over his heart; a
+stupid woman is like a cabbage which he keeps in his kitchen; but a
+merely "clever" woman is like a dahlia--he knows he ought to admire her,
+but he had just as lief do so from a distance.
+
+While a woman is weeping over the ghost of a dead love in the graveyard
+of memory, a man is usually off pursuing a lot of little new loves in
+the garden of forgetfulness.
+
+Life is like a poem or a story; the most important thing about it is not
+that it should be long, but that it should be beautiful and interesting.
+
+The older a woman gets the more trusting she becomes; at twenty a man
+can feed her only diluted flattery; but at forty she can swallow it,
+straight, without a quiver.
+
+No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she
+just naturally becomes a "Master of Arts" and a "Doctor of Philosophy"
+after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.
+
+The average man takes all the natural taste out of his food by covering
+it with ready-made sauces, and all the personality out of a woman by
+covering her with his ready-made ideals.
+
+Heaven is _not_ a mythical place. It can be found right down in the
+heart of the man who has found the work he loves and the woman he loves.
+
+An ideal lover is one with such a keen dramatic instinct that he can
+convince himself of his sincerity--even when he knows that he is lying.
+
+Love is a matter of chance; matrimony a matter of money, and divorce--a
+matter of course.
+
+Adam was the first man to "misunderstand" a woman.
+
+A man is like a park squirrel; if you fling your favors or your charms
+at his head he will never come up and eat out of your hand.
+
+What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the mental action that
+follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.
+
+In the School of Love, a man is forever just taking up a brand new
+"study" and discovering that all the old loves were nothing but
+"preparatory practice."
+
+The eugenic idea of choosing a husband would be perfectly lovely, only
+that a husband isn't a matter of choice, but of chance, accident or
+blind luck.
+
+Love is woman's eternal spring, man's eternal fall.
+
+It isn't beauty, and it isn't cleverness, and it isn't clothes that make
+a particular woman fascinating. It is just a sort of magnetic current
+which seems to run around her and set her eyes a-twinkling--and a man's
+heart tingling.
+
+It is utterly useless to tell a man the honest truth. That is the last
+thing on earth which a man ever tells a woman--so of course it's the
+last thing on earth which he ever expects to hear from her.
+
+The average man, like "all Gaul," is divided into three parts: his
+vanity, his digestion and his ambition. Cater to the first, guard the
+second and stimulate the third--and his love will take care of itself.
+
+There is no such tonic for a man's nerve as a capricious wife and no
+such softener for his backbone as a self-sacrificing one.
+
+A man can sit in the moonlight and talk "New Thought" to a pretty girl
+and at the same time look right into her eyes with all the old, old
+ones.
+
+Bohemia is an oasis in the desert of life where only the rich-in-dreams
+may go and only the poor-in-purse may stay.
+
+There is no way of two people really knowing each other until after they
+are married and have to share the same dollar, the same table, the same
+newspaper and the same chiffonier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+WHAT EVERY WOMAN WONDERS
+
+
+          THERE are gardens full of flowers that I feared to pluck.
+          There are eyes full of promises that I dared not believe.
+          There are lips full of sweetness, from which I turned away.
+          I wonder if Paradise holds anything for me, one-half so beautiful
+          As the joys I have renounced for its sake!
+
+A man's life is like a musical comedy; there is always one woman in it
+who is the star--but it takes ninety-nine others to make up the
+"ensemble."
+
+Nothing so annoys a man as to have a woman "cheer him up," when he is
+enjoying the exquisite luxury of feeling sorry for himself.
+
+The modern girl's "perfect candor" has taken the sin out of
+sincerity--and most of the sweet scent out of the flower of sentiment.
+Without the Serpent, the Garden of Eden would seem a dull old place to
+most men.
+
+Love is neither a bonfire, nor a kitchen-fire; but an altar-fire, to be
+kept burning forever with prayer and reverence.
+
+In the language of love, "Forever!" means for quite a little while and
+"Never!" means not until next season.
+
+"A fool there was, and he made his prayer"--to two women on the same
+party wire.
+
+Love is a matter of give and take--marriage, a matter of misgive and
+mistake.
+
+Even a fool knows enough to laugh at a man's joke--but only a born Siren
+knows enough to hang onto his coat-lapel and beg him to "Tell it again!"
+
+Some men are born for matrimony, some achieve matrimony--but most of
+them are merely poor dodgers.
+
+There are many times when a woman would gladly drop her husband, if she
+did not feel morally certain that some other woman would come right
+along and pick him up.
+
+Alas! In choosing a husband, it seems that you've always got to decide
+between something tame and uninteresting, like a gold-fish, and
+something wild and fascinating, like a mountain goat.
+
+Perhaps the first time a young man actually realizes that he is married
+is when he catches himself looking at other women with that strange,
+new, wistful sort of interest.
+
+It is at once the mission and the punishment of the flirt to go through
+life tapping the hearts of men, that they may overflow--for other women.
+
+The sweetest things in a woman's life are her "yesterdays"--the sweetest
+things in a man's life are his "tomorrows."
+
+The man who is fondly looking for a perfect angel almost invariably ends
+by marrying some little devil who knows how to persuade him that her
+horns are merely the signs of a budding halo.
+
+Woman is to most men what "heart-failure" is to the doctors--something
+that it is always convenient to blame any old thing on.
+
+"The mind has a thousand eyes--the heart but one!"--and that usually
+goes fast asleep, after marriage.
+
+Philosophy is the only kind of "sweetening" with which to make life
+palatable.
+
+Estimated from a wife's experience, the average man spends fully
+one-quarter of his life in looking for his shoes.
+
+An "idealist" is a man who is content to worship a woman from afar--and
+let some gross, unselfish materialist marry her and support her.
+
+Changing husbands is about as satisfactory as changing a bundle from one
+hand to the other; it gives you only temporary relief.
+
+France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest
+divorces in the world are "made in America."
+
+No doubt, even Solomon told each of his 700 wives that he had merely
+_thought_ he loved the others, but that _she_ was the only girl he "ever
+really cared for" in just that way.
+
+Love is what makes a man appear blissfully happy, when a woman is
+mussing up the precious wisp of hair across his bald spot.
+
+Love is what makes a woman laugh delightedly when a man is telling her
+for the second time, a story which she knew by heart before he told it
+to her the first time.
+
+All this "sex-antagonism" must have started when Adam brought in the
+first rabbit and ordered Eve to make it into Chicken-a-la-King.
+
+When a man takes a notion to marry, he doesn't start following it up--he
+merely stops running away.
+
+A woman is young until the light dies out of her last lover's eyes.
+
+Whenever a pretty girl runs her fingers through his hair, a cautious
+bachelor can't help thinking of what happened to Samson.
+
+Success in flirtation, as in gambling, consists in "getting out of the
+game" at the psychological moment before your luck begins to turn.
+
+Being a husband's "economic equal" may be awfully noble and advanced;
+but it usually means being all of his ribs and most of his vertebrae.
+
+Men have been classified as "what women marry." They have two feet, two
+hands and sometimes two wives--but never more than one collar-button or
+one idea at a time.
+
+When a man says, "Nobody understands me," don't fancy he is suffering.
+He is merely trying to let you know, in a modest way, that he is a
+profound, fascinating mystery.
+
+A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third,
+takes the fourth, accepts the fifth--and endures all the rest of them.
+
+After two years, an engagement doesn't need to be broken; it just
+naturally sags in the middle and comes apart.
+
+Eve had as much choice in the matter of a husband as any other woman.
+She merely accepted what fate sent her, and pretended to have gotten her
+"ideal."
+
+It is not much comfort to be able to keep your husband's material body
+in the house evenings, when his astral body keeps wandering off to the
+club, every few minutes.
+
+In love, sweet are the uses of diversity!
+
+A woman's love "bursts into flower," but judging from the time it takes
+him to discover it, a man's love must be developed by the wearisome
+process of geological formation.
+
+If a man and a diamond are big and brilliant enough, one doesn't mind a
+few flaws in them; but, for some reason, Heaven knows why, a woman and a
+pearl are expected to be absolutely perfect.
+
+When Fate places a laurel wreath on the brow of a genius she hitches a
+plough to his shoulders and holds a Tantalus cup to his lips.
+
+It isn't the man who paints his virtues in three colors and begs her to
+marry him, but the one who paints his sins in vermilion and begs her to
+"save" him who usually wins the girl.
+
+If you want a man to propose don't try to make your family coddle him.
+Make them hate him, because a man never really "takes hold" until
+somebody begins to pull the other way.
+
+The man who falls in love at first sight never knows what has struck
+him, and therefore mercifully escapes all the agonizing slow-torture of
+feeling himself sink, inch by inch, into the quicksands of matrimony.
+
+Never believe that justice is all you owe your husband; what every man
+needs, from the woman who loves him, is faith, hope and charity--and
+above all, _mercy_.
+
+Even a coquette can be loyal to one man--until she prefers another; but
+a man's heart is like a ferry-boat--always going backward and forward,
+and never staying "docked."
+
+Soft, sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing--that is what a little
+boy loves to eat and a grown man prefers to marry.
+
+
+
+
+SECOND INTERLUDE
+
+
+TO find your mate--that is luck; to know him when you find him--that is
+inspiration; to win him when you know him--that is art; and to keep him
+when you've won him--that is a _miracle_.
+
+A woman wastes more time in dreaming over a past flirtation than it
+would take a man to start a half dozen new ones.
+
+Flattery affects a man like any other sort of "dope." It stimulates and
+exhilarates him for the moment, but usually ends by going to his head
+and making him act foolish.
+
+The only way to be happy in this world is to take men and flirtations as
+they come--and _let them go_ as they go.
+
+Almost any straight path of devotion will lead to a woman's heart. It's
+this zigzagging from sentiment to cold fear and from adoration to
+self-preservation, that makes the way so long and dangerous for the
+average man.
+
+Solomon may have been the most famous _husband_ who ever lived, but as a
+_hero_ he isn't in it with the man who manages to get along happily and
+contentedly all through life with just _one_ wife!
+
+Woman! The peg on which the wit hangs his jest, the preacher his text,
+the cynic his grouch, and the sinner his justification!
+
+Everybody seems to be going through life at automobile speed nowadays;
+but alas, there are no sentimental garages by Life's wayside at which we
+may obtain a fresh supply of emotions, purchase a new thrill or patch up
+an exploded ideal.
+
+A man's work lasts from sun to sun, but his excuses for staying late at
+the office are never done.
+
+Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler
+instincts and his higher nature--and another woman to help him forget
+them.
+
+Never rush into a love affair. Love is a waiting game, which requires
+nerve, concentration, and a poker face.
+
+The average man marries one woman just in order to escape from a lot of
+others--and then flirts with a lot of others just in order to forget
+that he is married to one.
+
+Once a girl's heart beat faster at the sound of her sweetheart's
+footstep on the garden path; but now it requires the hum of a
+twelve-cylinder motor-car to rouse her from her lassitude.
+
+The one thing about love-making that the modern man simply can't
+understand is that, in order to make it thrilling and interesting, he
+must really put a little _love_ in it.
+
+In the war of the sexes a woman hides her scars of battle beneath a
+smile and a coat of rouge. A man goes about displaying his as proudly as
+though they were medals.
+
+Occasionally one meets a man who plunges into a love affair as he
+plunges into the surf, but most of them just sit back lazily on the
+beach and let the waves of emotion splash harmlessly over them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          THE GREATEST SHOCK
+          A TEMPERAMENTAL
+          WOMAN CAN RECEIVE
+          IS TO WAKE UP AND
+          FIND THAT SHE IS
+          MARRIED TO A HUMAN
+          BEING INSTEAD OF AN
+          IDEAL
+
+[Illustration: Married to a human being . . .]
+
+
+
+
+BRIDES
+
+"NEVERS" FOR THE "RIB."
+
+
+NEVER ask him to kiss you. Make your kisses a privilege, not a duty; a
+luxury, not a morning and evening "chore."
+
+Never refuse to kiss him--but sometimes keep him waiting a little while.
+Love thrives so much better on the stimulant of suspense than on the
+anaesthetic of memory.
+
+Never question him about his past love affairs. It is not the women he
+_has loved_, but those he _has not yet loved_, who will bother you.
+
+Never fling your old flames in his face. If you do he will soon cease to
+be jealous of the men you "might have married" and begin to _envy_ them.
+
+Never accuse him of being less ardent than he was before he married you.
+Many a husband would never discover that he was no longer madly in love,
+if his wife did not keep constantly reminding him of it.
+
+Never chide him for the same fault more than once.
+
+A man can become so accustomed to the thought of his own faults that he
+will begin to cherish them as charming little "personal
+characteristics."
+
+Never refer to your own defects. A man always accepts a woman at her own
+valuation; and he doesn't prize anything that advertises herself as a
+"second."
+
+Never laugh at him. Woman is supposed to be the only human joke and man
+the only laughing animal--except the hyena.
+
+Never _cry_ before him. A woman's tears soon wash all the color out of a
+man's love; after the third deluge they have no power to move
+him--except to move him out of the house.
+
+Never threaten him, scold him nor argue with him. _Act!_ A woman's
+arguments affect a man as water does a cat. He simply waits for them to
+dry up--and then he goes out and does as he pleases.
+
+Never doubt his word--even when you _know_ he is _lying_. A husband is
+like religion: to give you any real comfort, he must be taken with blind
+faith.
+
+Never put him on a leash. The dog or the husband that has to be tied is
+always the one that eventually has to be advertised in the "lost"
+columns.
+
+Never forget that marriage should be a privilege, not a prison; home a
+refectory, not a reformatory; and wives jolliers, and not jailers.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+SYNCOPATIONS
+
+
+A "SOUL-MATE" is seldom the siren who manages to drive a man to
+distraction, but just the sympathetic little thing who always happens to
+come along when he is _looking for distraction_.
+
+Hanging on a man's word may flatter him, but hanging on his neck merely
+frightens him.
+
+Every gay dog has his day--after.
+
+One may be loved forever! It is the vain desire to go on being a
+"heart-breaker" after one's flirting days are over that constitutes the
+real tragedy of age.
+
+A man regards a woman's love first as an unattainable dream, then as a
+boon, then as a blessing, then as a right, then as a matter-of-course--and,
+last, as a punishment.
+
+A man's idea of "preserving the unities" is to find out what side of an
+argument his wife is on, and then take the other side, in order to keep
+it from sagging.
+
+After a bachelor's heart has been patched up, cut down and remodeled to
+fit the romantic ideal of one girl after another, there is seldom enough
+of it left to go all the way around the honeymoon.
+
+There is no question of degree in matrimony. You can be a little bit in
+love or a little bit ill; but you can't be a little bit married or a
+little bit dead.
+
+Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment
+in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.
+
+If your husband is wrapped up in his work from 9 A.M. to 6 P.M. you
+needn't bother to investigate his morals. Satan wouldn't waste his
+talents trying to tempt a man with so little time and energy for the
+devil's business.
+
+You can't argue, frighten or nag a man into loving you just because he
+"ought to"--because, dearie, love is not exactly a man's feeling for a
+thought-censor, a creditor or a critic-on-the-hearth.
+
+There are more ways of killing a man's love than by strangling it to
+death--but that's the usual way.
+
+In matters of the heart most men are still in a state of barbarism,
+slightly tempered by woman.
+
+A man is never old until his spirit is worn out, his rosy hopes have
+turned gray, his illusions have faded and he has wrinkles on his heart.
+
+An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his pockets full of money,
+his digestion in good condition and his wife in the country.
+
+Every time a man hits a woman's vanity he makes a dent in her love.
+
+A man's first lie wounds a woman's heart, the second breaks it, the
+third mends it, and all the rest simply harden it.
+
+Dissimulation is the price of peace--but it's awfully hard for a married
+woman to preserve the peace by deceiving her husband into thinking that
+he is deceiving her, every time he tries.
+
+Of course men are not so suspicious as women. A woman in love would be
+jealous of a store dummy; but how can a man possibly suspect that any
+girl on whom he may bestow himself could ever think of anybody else?
+
+A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a
+beautiful woman fascinates him--but the considerate woman _gets_ him.
+
+There never was a man too nearsighted to see the look of admiration in a
+pretty woman's eyes.
+
+WIFE: The woman from whom a man failed to escape and to whom he
+complacently refers as "the little woman _I married_."
+
+MARRIAGE: The intermission between the wedding and the divorce.
+
+WEDDING: The point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins
+roasting her.
+
+Most girls, nowadays, would give a lot for a few solid vows, a few
+unshrinkable signs of devotion and a really convincing kiss.
+
+It isn't a husband's disinclination to listen to his wife's
+conversation, but that "I-am-ready-to-bear-with-you" expression with
+which he does it that grates on her nerves so.
+
+The average man has so much heart that he apparently thinks it a pity to
+waste it all on one woman.
+
+Alas! Why is it that when your cup of happiness is full _somebody_
+always jogs your elbow!
+
+Never judge a man's love by the ardor of his first kiss, nor by the
+tenderness of his second, but by the eagerness with which he seeks the
+third.
+
+When it comes to making love, a girl can always listen so much faster
+than a man can talk.
+
+If nothing but their heart-strings became entangled, people would not
+find the marriage tie so binding; it is a man's purse-strings and a
+woman's apron-strings that really form the Gordian knot.
+
+In love, a man loses first his head, then his vanity, then his
+poise--and, last of all, his heart.
+
+It is much more comfortable to be considered a "little devil" and get a
+credit mark every time you do anything right, than to be considered an
+"angel" and get a black mark every time you do anything human.
+
+Love is a game at which a woman must play against stacked cards, and
+without the slightest inkling of the trump.
+
+A woman's last resort is henna--a man's Gehenna.
+
+To a woman marriage is the beginning of life; to a man it is the end of
+"liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
+
+Perfect wife: That which a married man always fancies he might have
+gotten if he had kept on experimenting a little longer.
+
+Why is it that, no matter how much a man thinks of one girl, he can't
+help thinking of a lot of others at the same time?
+
+Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be satisfied if you can
+just manage to chip it in a brand new place.
+
+          IT IS QUITE CORRECT
+          TO SEND YOUR FORMER
+          HUSBAND A GIFT ON
+          THE ANNIVERSARY OF
+          YOUR DIVORCE, IN REMEMBRANCE
+          OF "THE
+          MANY HAPPY DAYS
+          WHICH YOU HAVE
+          SPENT--APART"
+
+[Illustration: In remembrance.]
+
+
+
+
+DIVORCES
+
+
+LOVE, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.
+
+Most marriages, nowadays, seem built for speed rather than for
+endurance.
+
+A divorcée is one who has graduated from the Correspondence School of
+Experience.
+
+Marriage, according to the merry Widow-reno, is a "perfectly lovely
+experience to have _had_!"
+
+Grass Widow: The angel whom a man loved, the human being he married, and
+the devil he divorced.
+
+Most actresses are married--now and then; most literary women--off and
+on; most society women--from time to time.
+
+    In olden days, the lover cried, in burning words and brave,
+    "Oh darling, be my Queen, my Bride--and let me be your slave!"
+    But nowadays, he murmurs, over cigarette and tea,
+    "Say, when you get your _next_ divorce, will you (puff) marry me?"
+
+When a woman obtains her second divorce, one hardly knows whether to
+class her as a good loser, a bad chooser, or just a "poor sport."
+
+Why is it that when a man hears that a woman has had a "past," he is
+always so anxious to brighten up her present?
+
+Many a woman's sole reason for getting a divorce is because she is tired
+of holding onto heaven with one hand and onto a man with the other.
+
+When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they
+"don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last,
+begun to.
+
+That "just-after-the-divorce" feeling is not the exhilarating thing many
+people imagine it. It is more like the mingled sensation of pain and
+relief that comes the moment after you have removed a tight slipper and
+before the ache has subsided.
+
+Divorce is the Great Divide, over which most men expect to pass into the
+Happy Hunting Grounds.
+
+Reno! The land of the free and the grave of the home!
+
+
+
+
+THIRD INTERLUDE
+
+
+IN the abstract a man admires nobility and intelligence in a woman; but
+in the concrete he always prefers a bird of Paradise to a wren, a
+decoration to an inspiration and incense to common sense.
+
+"Intuition" is what a man calls a girl's ability to see through him,
+before marriage; "suspicion" is what he calls it, after marriage.
+
+Satan, himself, could no doubt make any woman love him, if he took the
+trouble to convince her that it was "her beauty that drove him to
+Hades."
+
+Of course, polygamy is dreadful; but, at least, an Oriental wife can
+come within four or five guesses of knowing where her husband spends his
+evenings.
+
+Take care of a woman's vanity--and her love will take care of itself.
+
+Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam the apple, woman's
+punishment has been to have to supply a man with food and then suffer
+the consequences when it disagrees with him.
+
+The wings of love are not clipped by marriage; they merely _molt_ for
+lack of exercise.
+
+All love is 99.44 per cent pure: pure imagination, pure vanity, pure
+curiosity, pure folly or whatever else it happens to be.
+
+Don't waste your tears on the girls a heart-breaker _should_ have
+married and didn't; save them for the girl he _will_ marry and
+_shouldn't_.
+
+It requires a little moisture to make a postage stamp stick and a little
+cold water of indifference to make a sweetheart stick.
+
+There are only two kinds of perfectly faultless men--the dead and the
+deadly.
+
+In order to see a man in his most interesting colors a woman always has
+to scrape off a lot of unnecessary whitewashing.
+
+Marriage is a discord that turns "Love's Old Sweet Song" from a eulogy
+into an elegy.
+
+The height of the average girl's ambition is just about six feet.
+
+You can always cure a man of love-sickness with "mental suggestion"
+merely by suggesting to him that the girl is trying to marry him.
+
+Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism
+are extracted without an anaesthetic.
+
+Jealousy is the false alarm that wakes us up from love's young dream.
+
+The most successful men are not those who have been inspired by a wise
+woman's love, but those who have perspired in order to gratify a foolish
+woman's whims.
+
+It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing than to keep one lover
+after he has stopped guessing.
+
+A man's soul lies so close to his digestion that when he looks blue and
+downhearted, a woman never knows whether to offer him a kiss, a meal, a
+dose of philosophy or a dyspepsia tablet.
+
+A woman is so complex that she can prove to a man by every possible
+convincing argument that she feels nothing but platonic friendship for
+him, at the same time that she is thinking how she would like to run her
+fingers through his hair.
+
+One reason why a man's life is so much fuller than a woman's is because
+he spends nearly three-quarters of it in hunting up things for a woman
+to do.
+
+Oh yes, a woman always looks up to a brave, strong man whom she can
+respect--and then nine times out of ten, goes and marries some pallid
+weakling whom she can "mother."
+
+A man spends his boyhood struggling against an education, his youth
+struggling against matrimony and his middle-age struggling against
+embonpoint; but sooner or later he succumbs to all of them.
+
+No man wants an "equal" but an angel. If Satan himself should decide to
+marry he wouldn't go around looking for a congenial little Satanette,
+but for a paragon who had a pull with St. Peter.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          HALF A LOVE
+          IS BETTER
+          THAN NONE
+
+[Illustration: Half a love . . .]
+
+
+
+
+WIDOWS
+
+
+A WIDOW is a fascinating being with the flavor of maturity, the spice of
+experience, the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced coquetry, and
+the halo of one man's approval.
+
+Second mourning is that interesting period, at which a widow continues
+to weep with one eye while she begins to flirt with the other.
+
+When a widow comes in at the door, a debutante's chances fly out of the
+window.
+
+No matter how many wrinkles a widow may have in her face, she always has
+enough at her fingertips to offset them.
+
+Even a dead husband gives a widow some advantage over a spinster; the
+very debts her husband left afford her something to boast about to the
+unmarried woman who has only her own board bills to pay.
+
+A girl takes a man for better or for worse--but a widow merely takes him
+for granted.
+
+Girls are the milk and honey which sweeten a man's life; widows, the
+caviare and wine which relieve its flatness and give it spice and
+piquancy.
+
+A girl knows exactly what kind of man she wants to marry; but a widow
+knows all the kinds she _doesn't_ want to marry, and usually makes a
+safe selection by the wise process of elimination.
+
+A widow's chief consolation in remarrying is probably that she finds it
+less exhausting to sit up and wait for one man to come home evenings,
+than to sit up and wait for a lot of them to go home.
+
+Widows have all the honor and glory without any of the trials of
+matrimony; a live husband may be a necessity, but a dead one is a
+luxury.
+
+Matrimony is the price of love--widowhood, the rebate.
+
+
+
+
+IMPROVISATIONS
+
+
+SPRING flowers are like spring love, so sweet and tender, but doomed to
+fade quickly; it's in the autumn of life, or of the year, that we get
+the hardy variety of either.
+
+A man may honestly admire a superior woman; but when it comes to
+marrying, he usually looks about for something far enough beneath him to
+enjoy being ordered about and patted on the head.
+
+A girl's heart is like her dressing-table--crowded with tenderly
+cherished little souvenirs of love; a man's, like his pipe, is carefully
+cleaned and emptied after each flame has gone out.
+
+A man doesn't ask a girl to "name the day" any more; he merely pleads
+guilty to loving her and then closes his eyes while she passes sentence
+on him and decide when he shall begin "serving time."
+
+When a woman reforms she bleaches her conscience down to the roots as
+she does her hair; a man simply gives his a coat of whitewashing so that
+he will have a nice, clean space in which to begin all over again.
+
+When a bachelor sniffs through his letters before opening them in the
+morning, it is not a sign that he is looking for dynamite, but that he
+is looking for a note bearing a brand of sachet which he has mistaken
+for some girl's "sweet personality."
+
+At the awakening from love's young dream the woman's first thought is,
+"How can I break his heart?" The man's, "How can I break away?"
+
+A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her imagination,
+and then they both speak of it as an affair of "the heart."
+
+No, Clarice, a man's idea of being loved isn't exactly being followed
+around with a hot water bottle, a box of pills and the eternal question:
+"Do you love me as much as ever?"
+
+One grass widow doesn't make a summer resort--but she can always make it
+interesting.
+
+When a man has baggy trousers nowadays it is from falling on his knees
+to an automobile--not to a girl.
+
+A black lie always shows up against the dazzling background of truth;
+it's all the little white ones a man keeps telling you that can't be
+spotted or distinguished from the rest of his conversation.
+
+The only time when a sense of humor profits a woman anything is when she
+can laugh at herself for having tried to charm a man by dazzling him
+with it.
+
+Most men fall in love with a sudden jolt, and wake up to find that they
+are married to an "impulse."
+
+It's a lame love that has to be carried through the honeymoon in a
+three-thousand-dollar touring car.
+
+In the mathematics of a bachelor one kiss makes a flirtation, two kisses
+make one conquest, three kisses make a love-affair and four kisses make
+one tired.
+
+There are "chain-smokers" who light one cigarette from the dying end of
+another--and there are also "chain lovers" who light one flame from the
+dying embers of another.
+
+Eve had one advantage over all the rest of her sex. In his wildest
+moments of rage Adam never could accuse her of being "just like her
+_mother_!"
+
+Every woman has a different notion of an ideal husband; but every
+woman's ideal lover is the same impossible combination of saint and
+devil, brute and baby, hero and mollycoddle, that never is seen anywhere
+off the stage or outside the pages of a "best thriller."
+
+Love is a voyage of discovery, marriage the goal--and divorce the relief
+expedition.
+
+A man never can comprehend why a woman can't understand how he can be
+dead in love with one girl and acutely alive to the charms of a lot of
+others at the same time.
+
+Jealousy is the tie that binds--and binds--and binds.
+
+It is not the fear of being shipwrecked that keeps a bachelor from
+embarking on the sea of matrimony; it is the awful horror of being
+becalmed.
+
+Nowadays most women grow old gracefully; most men, disgracefully.
+
+A man can forgive a woman for having made a fool of herself over any man
+on earth--except himself.
+
+Eternity: The interval between the time when a woman discovers that a
+man is in love with her and the time when he finds it out himself and
+tells her about it.
+
+The follies which a man regrets the most, in his life, are those which
+he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
+
+In the average man's opinion the command, "Thou shalt not steal," does
+not apply to a kiss, a heart, an umbrella, an hotel or an after-dinner
+story.
+
+To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning; to a man, it
+is the beginning of the end.
+
+The qualities a man seeks in a bride no more resemble those he will want
+in a wife than a cabaret rag-ditty resembles a lullaby, but two years
+ahead is farther than any man can see when he is looking into a pretty
+girl's eyes.
+
+          YOU MAY GROOM, YOU MAY POLISH HIM UP AS YOU WILL,
+          BUT THE MARK OF THE "M A R R I E D  M A N" CLINGS TO HIM STILL.
+
+[Illustration: You may polish him up . . .]
+
+
+
+
+WIDOWERS
+
+
+THE tenderest, most impressionable thing on earth is the heart of a
+yearling widower.
+
+Of course it is easier to marry a widower than a bachelor. A man who has
+been through the Armageddon of _one_ marriage has no spirit of battle
+left in him.
+
+When a widow begins curling her hair, again, or a widower begins
+worrying about his thinness on top, Cupid chuckles and gets out his
+arrows and Satan smiles behind his hand.
+
+In the matrimonial market a seasoned bachelor is just a shop-worn
+remnant; a divorcé is a cast-off, second-hand article; but a widower is
+a treasured heirloom inherited only through death.
+
+After his wedding day, a man usually tucks all the flattering adjectives
+and tender nothings in his vocabulary away in a pigeon-hole and marks
+them "Not to be opened until widowerhood."
+
+Perhaps there may not be so much excitement in marrying a widower; but
+there is a lot more comfort in getting something that another woman has
+broken to double harness than in lashing yourself to a bucking bronco
+fresh from the wild.
+
+No matter how unhappy a man may have been with his first wife nothing on
+earth will make him flatter her successor by acknowledging that she was
+not a combination of Circe, St. Cecilia and the Venus di Milo.
+
+The girl who marries a widower may be a sort of "second edition," but
+the girl who marries a seasoned bachelor is apt to be a forty-second
+edition.
+
+When a widower vows he will "never marry again," listen for the wedding
+bells! The "Never-agains" are the easiest fruit in the Garden of Love.
+It's the "Never-at-alls!" who are harder than a newsboy's conscience,
+colder than yesterday's kiss, and less impressionable than a
+boarding-house steak.
+
+If a woman could foresee how irresistible her husband would look with a
+bereaved expression on his face and a black band on his coat sleeve, it
+would give her the strength to live forever.
+
+Some widowers _are_ bereaved--others, relieved.
+
+A man may forget all about how to make love during ten years of
+matrimony, but it's wonderful how quickly he can brush up on the fine
+points again after he becomes a widower.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FOURTH INTERLUDE
+
+
+A MAN always looks at a woman through either the right or the wrong end
+of a telescope, and thus always sees her as a divinity or a devil--never
+as a human being.
+
+Business girl's motto: "Better marry and be a poor man's slave than stay
+single and be a rich man's stenographer."
+
+When a clever girl lets fly the arrows of wit she should be careful to
+see that a man's vanity is not the bull's eye.
+
+It is difficult for a man to reconcile a girl's absorbing interest in
+picture-hats, pearl powder, and Paquin models with real brains; but
+somehow his own enthusiasm for baseball and golf never seems to him
+incompatible with superior intelligence.
+
+Don't fancy your husband has ceased to love you merely because he no
+longer seems to notice your presence around the house; wait until he
+gets so that he doesn't even notice your absence.
+
+A good husband is one who will get up and lift the ice off the
+dumbwaiter instead of lying back and lifting his voice to tell you how
+to do it without "hurting your itsy bitsy fingers."
+
+The shallower a man's love, the more it bubbles over into eloquence.
+When his emotions go deep, words stick in his throat, and have to be
+hauled out of him with a derrick.
+
+To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
+little; to be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to
+understand her at all.
+
+A man with _savoir faire_ may scintillate in a crowd, but it takes a
+"bashful man" to shine in a dim cozy corner.
+
+Every bride fancies that she married the original "cave-man" until she
+tries to persuade him to go out and argue with the furniture-movers.
+
+What a man calls his conscience in a love affair is merely a pain in his
+vanity, the moral ache that accompanies a headache, or the mental action
+that follows a sentimental reaction.
+
+It never pays to compromise! Cheap clothes, cheap literature, cheap
+sports, cheap flirtations--a life filled with these is nothing but an
+electric flash, advertising "something just as good."
+
+Just at first, every man seems to fancy that it takes nothing but brute
+force and determination to run an automobile or a wife; after the
+smash-up he changes his mind.
+
+Brains and beauty are an impossible combination in a woman--not
+necessarily impossible to _find_, but impossible to _live with_.
+
+When a woman looks at a man in evening dress, she sometimes can't help
+wondering why he wants to blazon his ancestry to the world by wearing a
+coat with a long tail to it.
+
+When a man says he loves you don't ask him "Why," because by the time he
+has found his reason he will undoubtedly have lost his enthusiasm.
+
+Pshaw! It is no more reasonable to expect a man to love you tomorrow
+because he loves you today, than it is to assume that the sun will be
+shining tomorrow because the weather is pleasant today.
+
+Sending a man a sentimental note, just after he has spent the evening
+with you, has about the same thrilling effect as offering him a
+sandwich, immediately after dinner.
+
+A "good woman," according to Mrs. Grundy, is one who would scorn to
+sacrifice society for the sake of a man but will cheerfully sacrifice
+the man she marries for the sake of society.
+
+The flower of a man's love is not an immortelle, but a morning-glory;
+which fades the moment the sun of a woman's smiles becomes too intense
+and glowing.
+
+The sweetest part of a love affair is just before the confession when
+you begin discussing love in the abstract and gazing concretely into one
+another's eyes.
+
+Marriage is a photogravure made from the glowing illusions which Love
+has painted on the canvas of the heart.
+
+A woman may have to reach heaven before she tastes supernal joy; but to
+taste supreme punishment she has only to watch the love-mist die out of
+a man's eyes.
+
+Nothing frightens a man like a woman's stony silence. Somehow in spite
+of his lack of intuition, he has a subconscious premonition that her
+love is _dead_ when she is too weary and disinterested to "_answer
+back_."
+
+The satisfaction in flattering a man consists in the fact that, whether
+you lay it on thick or thin, rough or smooth, a little of it is always
+bound to stick.
+
+Love is a furnace in which the man builds the fire, and forever
+afterward expects the woman to keep it glowing, by supplying all the
+fuel.
+
+The gods must love summer flirtations--they die so young.
+
+A man may have heart enough to love more than one woman at a time, but
+unless he is a fatalist he should have brains enough not to try it.
+
+When love dies a wise married couple give its ashes a respectful burial,
+and hang a good photograph of it on the wall for the benefit of the
+public.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          EVERY TIME A MAN
+          FALLS IN LOVE HE
+          FANCIES THAT HE HAS
+          JUST DISCOVERED A
+          BRAND NEW SENSATION;
+          BUT, ALAS, IT ALWAYS
+          TURNS OUT, LIKE THE
+          HOTEL SOUP, TO BE
+          JUST THE SAME OLD
+          "STOCK" WITH A DIFFERENT
+          FLAVORING
+
+[Illustration: A brand new sensation . . .]
+
+
+
+
+SECOND MARRIAGES
+
+HINTS ON HOW TO CONDUCT ENCORE PERFORMANCES OF THE CEREMONY
+
+
+A BRIDE at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to _see_
+what she is getting.
+
+Always send your former husband a notice of your marriage; true
+politeness consists in giving pleasure to others.
+
+If you meet your ex-husband's fiancée, treat her with sympathetic
+courtesy. Remember that she is more to be pitied than scorned.
+
+If the bridegroom does not show up, marry the best man. After a few
+weeks you will not be able to notice the difference between them. Either
+will make you the same old excuses, tell you the same stories and give
+you the same "stock" kisses in the morning.
+
+When your second husband begins to speak wistfully of your first
+husband, do not chide him; remember that misery loves company, and
+perhaps it is a comfort to him to think that some one else has been as
+foolish as he has.
+
+Never consider your wedding a settled thing until you have gotten the
+man to the altar. The primary rule for marrying is "First catch your
+husband!"
+
+Besides, there's many a slip 'twixt the license and the certificate--and
+you may let him slip.
+
+In selecting husbands, always consider that it is quality, not quantity,
+that counts.
+
+One or two marriages, like one or two drinks, may not have any visible
+effect upon you. But don't make it a custom.
+
+A woman marries the first time, you know, for love, the second time for
+companionship, the third time for a support--and the rest of the time
+just from habit.
+
+When marrying a second time refrain from asking your friends what they
+think about it. Remember that they all think you are a fool.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+INTERMEZZO
+
+
+A MAN'S kisses are first reverent, then rapturous, then tender, then
+casual, and last--charitable.
+
+The hardest thing in life is to discover the exact geographical location
+of a man's grouch--whether it is in his tooth, his vanity or his
+digestion, or is just a chronic condition of the whole system.
+
+Being in love is like a fascinating spin at will in an automobile; being
+married, like a trolley trip on rails, with somebody ringing the bell at
+you every few minutes.
+
+A woman's love is composed of maternal tenderness, childlike
+inconsistency, torturing jealousy and sublime unselfishness--and how is
+a man ever going to comprehend a mixture like that?
+
+Alas, why is it that the most popular and fascinating women are so often
+the last to marry, and then nearly always pluck either a broken stick
+from the tide of life or a brand from the burning?
+
+Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled
+some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in
+the same way more than half of the time.
+
+A woman always wants her photograph to flatter her, but a man is
+perfectly satisfied if he gets one that looks as fascinating and
+impressive as he thinks he does.
+
+A jealous husband can put two and two together--and make fourteen.
+
+When a man hesitates to propose to a girl he is never quite sure whether
+it is the fear of being "turned down" or the fear of being "taken up"
+which paralyzes him.
+
+Spring is the time of the year when the eternal monotony of the daily
+grind gives a man brain-fag--and the eternal monotony of any one girl
+appears to give him heart-fag.
+
+A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man and
+takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.
+
+Of course, a girl hates to wound a man; but sometimes, after a painful
+parting, it would seem so much more artistic if he would only _remain_
+"wounded" just a little longer.
+
+Making a man promise to drop a woman simply excites his sympathy for
+her, so that, before he has fairly cut the string, he is anxious to tie
+a knot in it again.
+
+The hardest task of a girl's life, nowadays, is to prove to a man that
+his intentions are serious.
+
+Love, without faith, illusions and trust, is--Lord forgive us--cinders,
+ashes and dust!
+
+A man who strays for love of a woman may sometimes be reclaimed; but the
+man who strays for love of amusement or love or novelty will never "stay
+put" for any girl.
+
+Most girls, nowadays, would give almost as much for a little genuine
+sentiment and a really convincing kiss, as for a genuine "old master"
+and a really convincing novel.
+
+There are a hundred things that the cleverest man in the world never
+_can_ understand--and ninety-nine of them are women.
+
+Many a man who is too tender-hearted to pour salt on an oyster will pour
+sarcasm all over his wife's vanity and then wonder why she always
+shrivels up in her shell at the sight of him.
+
+A grub may become a butterfly, but the man who marries a butterfly,
+expecting to turn her into a grub, should remember that nature never
+works that way.
+
+A married man's hardest cross is not to be able to brag to his wife
+about the women who "tried to flirt with him."
+
+Plato has lured more men into matrimony than Cupid. A man can _see_ an
+arrow coming and dodge it, but platonic friendship strikes him in the
+back.
+
+Many a man has started out to "string" a girl, and gotten so tangled up,
+that the string ended in a marriage tie.
+
+Habit is the cement which holds the links of matrimony together when the
+ties of romance have crumbled.
+
+He that telleth a secret unto a married man may prepare himself for a
+lot of free advertising; for, lo, the conjugal pillow is the root of all
+gossip.
+
+To make a man perfectly happy tell him he works too hard, that he spends
+too much money, that he is "misunderstood" or that he is "different;"
+none of this is necessarily complimentary, but it will flatter him
+infinitely more than merely telling him that he is brilliant, or noble,
+or wise, or good.
+
+After a woman has lain awake half the night in order to be able to call
+her husband in time to catch his train it's rather hard to be hated for
+it, just like an alarm clock.
+
+A man expects a woman to laugh at all his jokes, admire all his bon
+mots, agree with all his opinions, and be blind to all his faults--and
+then he scornfully wonders why women are so "hypocritical."
+
+A diamond and a lump of coal are merely two varieties of carbon; but
+they are as different as the two things which the right wife and the
+wrong wife can make of the same man.
+
+Sometimes man proposes--and then keeps the girl waiting until the Lord
+kindly interposes.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          A WOMAN
+          FLEES FROM
+          TEMPTATION,
+          BUT A MAN
+          JUST _CRAWLS_
+          AWAY FROM IT
+          IN THE CHEERFUL
+          HOPE
+          THAT IT MAY
+          OVERTAKE HIM
+
+[Illustration: A man just crawls away . . .]
+
+
+
+
+WOMAN--AND HER INFINITE VARIETY
+
+(A LEAF FROM ADAM'S DICTIONARY.)
+
+
+WOMAN--A divine creation for the comfort and amusement of mankind.
+
+RIB--That part of man's self of which he thinks the least and brags the
+most.
+
+WIFE (The Inferior Fraction)--The excuse for all a man's sins, the cause
+of all his failings, the keeper of his conscience, the guardian of his
+digestion, and the repository of his grouches.
+
+BETTER-HALF--The half that is always left at home.
+
+COQUETTE--Any woman who is so unreasonable as not to return a man's
+affections.
+
+FLIRT--Any woman, over whom a man has insisted on making a fool of
+himself.
+
+OLD MAID--An unmarried woman with more wrinkles than money.
+
+BACHELOR GIRL--An unmarried woman with more money than wrinkles.
+
+KITTEN--Any woman under sixty for whom a man feels a temporary
+tenderness.
+
+QUEEN--A pretty woman whom a man has not yet kissed.
+
+"IDEAL"--The particular woman, to whom a man happens to be making love.
+
+CLINGING VINE--A woman who allows her husband to think that he is having
+his own way.
+
+HELPMATE--A combination of playmate, soul-mate, and light-running
+domestic.
+
+GODDESS--An impossible woman, who exists only in novels and in a man's
+imagination.
+
+PARAGON--The kind of woman a man ought to marry, wants to marry, intends
+to marry--and never does.
+
+          PESSIMISM IS A MAN'S
+          NATURAL REACTION
+          AFTER TOO MUCH
+          OF ANYTHING--WINE,
+          LOVE, FOOD, FLIRTATION
+          OR OPTIMISM
+
+
+
+
+MAXIMS OF CLEOPATRA
+
+
+1
+
+  THESE three things Man feareth: Oysters out of season,
+  A Babe that plays with fire, and a Woman who can _reason_!
+
+
+2
+
+  Last year's sandals and yesterday's fish,
+  Last night's kisses and last week's wish
+  Are, to a Man, things gone and past;
+  Likewise _the woman before the last_!
+
+
+3
+
+  The soul of a man is white--or black, or yellow, or dun;
+  But a woman's soul is a rainbow and a Roman sash in one.
+
+
+4
+
+  Empty the words of the prayer, when the Pharisee prayeth aloud;
+  Empty the words of love, when he praiseth thee in a crowd.
+  Yet, he that is cold in the crowd, but seeketh thine ear when alone,
+  In the land of the Great God Isis by the name of "Cad" shall be known.
+
+
+5
+
+  As the pearl that I dropped in the glass can never again be mine,
+  So many a pearl of woman's love hath a man dissolved--in wine.
+
+
+6
+
+  Geese walk not alone; sheep will follow sheep;
+  So this little maxim I would have ye keep:
+  Would ye conquer _all_ men, make a fool of _one_--
+  The rest will turn toward thee, as lilies to the sun.
+
+
+7
+
+  The young man calleth for wine, the old for crystal water.
+  Seek not to enslave a _boy_ till thou art thirty, Daughter.
+
+
+8
+
+  When the game is over, vain the loser's sigh.
+  To thy parting lover, wave a gay good-by!
+  'Neath the storm-cloud bending, see the lily laugh.
+  If Love's reign be ending--write his epitaph!
+  Deck his grave with iris; blot away his name.
+  Isis and Osiris, make thy Daughter _game_!
+
+
+9
+
+  Flatter him boldly, Daughter, be he old or wise or callow;
+  For there is no meed of flattery that a man will fail to swallow.
+  Yet, after a time, desist; lest perchance, in his vanity,
+  He wonder why such a demi-god should stoop to a worm like thee!
+
+
+10
+
+  Call the bald man, "Boy;" make the sage thy toy;
+  Greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace.
+
+
+          WHERE IS THE SWEET,
+          OLD-FASHIONED WIFE
+          WHO USED TO GET UP
+          AT 6 O'CLOCK IN THE
+          MORNING AND COOK
+          HER HUSBAND'S
+          BREAKFAST? GONE,
+          GONE, ALAS, WITH
+          THE SWEET OLD-FASHIONED
+          HUSBAND
+          WHO USED TO COME
+          HOME AT 6 O'CLOCK
+          IN THE EVENING AND
+          _STAY THERE_
+
+
+
+
+FINALE
+
+
+ALL the love routes lead to a kiss--but some men make love with the
+directness of an express train, some as haltingly as a local and some
+with the charm, smoothness and variation of a "special."
+
+When a man complains of the girls who "pursue" him, don't forget that
+the mark of a real "girl-charmer" is his dead silence concerning all
+women except the one to whom he happens to be talking.
+
+A man's idea of displaying "resolution" appears to be first to find out
+what a woman wants him to do, and then to proceed "resolutely" not to do
+it.
+
+Presence of mind in love making is a sure sign of absence of heart; no
+man begins to be serious until he begins to be foolish.
+
+The girl a man marries is never the one he ought to marry or intended to
+marry, but just some "innocent bystander" who happened to be in the way
+at the psychological moment.
+
+A woman's heart is like a frame, which holds only one picture at a time;
+a man's is more like a cinemetograph.
+
+A man's love is not actually dead until he begins subconsciously to
+think of his wife as the person who makes him wear his rubbers, mow the
+lawn, put up the fly-screens, and explain where he has been all Saturday
+afternoon.
+
+The average man is so busy backing away from the girls he ought to marry
+that he usually backs right into the arms of the one woman under Heaven
+that he _ought not_ to marry.
+
+A man is like a motor-car which always balks on the trolley-tracks and
+runs at top speed down hill; a wife is the human brake that prevents him
+from going to destruction.
+
+When a girl refuses a man his greatest emotion is not disappointment,
+but astonishment that she should be so blind to her own luck.
+
+Nothing bores a man so much as for a woman to give him _all_ her
+love--when he wanted only a _little_ of it.
+
+Solomon was the only man who ever had six hundred and ninety-nine alibis
+when one of his wives detected the fragrance of another woman's sachet
+on his coat lapel.
+
+Every man "rocks the boat" of happiness at least once during a love
+affair--usually by trying to leap out of it before it lands in the port
+of Matrimony. All a man needs in order to win any woman is a little
+audacity, a little mendacity and plenty of pertinacity.
+
+The only chain that can bind love is an endless chain of compliments.
+
+When a woman doesn't marry it is usually because she has never met the
+man with whom she could be perfectly happy; but when a man remains
+single it is usually because he has never met the woman _without_ whom
+he could _not_ be perfectly happy.
+
+Most men expect to "reform" between the last dose of medicine and the
+last breath.
+
+Speaking of the modern advance in the "arts and crafts" it requires more
+art to get a husband and more craft to keep one nowadays, than it ever
+did.
+
+A frank man may be the noblest work of God, but he is as much of a
+nuisance in feminine society as a woman on a fishing trip.
+
+There is always a chance that a man may escape from the bonds of
+matrimony; but an old bachelor is wedded by all the bonds of nature to a
+collection of habits from which nothing but death can divorce him.
+
+By the time he marries, a bachelor's heart has been pressed, cleaned and
+mended so often that it will barely hold together through the
+honeymoon.
+
+It seems so unreasonable of man to expect a woman to think straight,
+walk straight, or talk straight, considering that she was made from his
+rib--the crookedest bone in his body.
+
+Motto for a married man's den: "Others love your wife, why not _you_?"
+
+A man's idea of being perfectly loyal to a woman is to "think of her
+always"--even when he is kissing another woman.
+
+Love is just a glittering illusion with which we gild the hard, cold
+facts of life--until all the world seems bright and shining!
+
+Most men are so busy dodging one love affair that they step right back
+under the wheels of another, and are fatally mangled.
+
+A brave man is always ready to "face the music"--provided it isn't that
+old tune from Lohengrin.
+
+If married couples would show as much respect for one another's personal
+liberty, habits and preferences as they do for one another's
+toothbrushes, love's young dream would not so often turn into a
+nightmare. It is the Siamese twin existence they impose on themselves
+that drives them to distraction or destruction.
+
+A man kills time with a golf stick; a woman with a lip-stick.
+
+It is foolish to fancy that a man is thinking of proposing to you; a man
+never proposes to any woman, until he has gotten past "thinking."
+
+If a man would employ a little more commonsense before marriage and a
+little more _incense_ afterwards, matrimony would be more of an
+inspiration and less of a visitation.
+
+Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
+
+The man who takes a kiss "for granted" doesn't stand a chance beside the
+man who takes it before it is granted.
+
+Husband: A miniature volcano, constantly smoking, usually grumbling, and
+always liable to violent and unexpected eruptions.
+
+On the journey of matrimony, there are no garages where punctured
+illusions can be patched up, shattered ideals mended, and empty hearts
+refilled.
+
+Of course a man is not as jealous as a woman--because it's so hard for
+him to believe that a girl on whom he bestows himself could possibly
+wish for anything better.
+
+The making of a husband out of a mere man is not a sinecure; it's one of
+the highest plastic arts known to civilization.
+
+Before marriage a woman says sweetly, "I understand you!" After marriage
+she says coldly, "I see through you!"
+
+          Oh, what is so stupid as last year's song,
+            So foolish as last year's fashion,
+          So completely forgotten as last year's girl,
+            And so dead as a last year's passion?
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+OTHER BOOKS BY HELEN ROWLAND
+
+
+
+
+THE SAYINGS OF MRS. SOLOMON
+
+Being the confessions of the 700th wife. A book that is much appreciated
+and is destined to entertain Helen Rowland's fast growing audience for
+years to come.
+
+"Yet whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it all the days of his life."
+
+          From the Sayings of Mrs. Solomon
+
+
+REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL
+
+Clever, cynical and witty, with a philosophical trend that will
+entertain men and woman alike--the older ones--the younger ones. Read
+this book for a mirror likeness to yourself.
+
+Border decorations in color size 5 × 7-1/2.
+
+                     A Laugh on Every Page
+
+
+
+
+THE WIDOW (TO SAY NOTHING OF THE MAN)
+
+Here is a little book of delightful love stories, brimful of clever,
+witty epigrams. The Widow is--well, say that she is lovable--only more
+so; and the Man--read, know and love both.
+
+Illustrated bound in boards 4-1/2 × 7-1/4.
+
+
+RUBAIYAT OF A BACHELOR
+
+An exceedingly clever parody both in verses and illustrations. Every
+yearning, timorous bachelor should read and ponder; so, too, each
+damsel, read and--"then, in your mercy, Friend, forbear to smile."
+
+Illustrations and border decorations by Harold Speakman, attractively
+bound in cloth with inlay in color size 5-3/4 × 7-1/2.
+
+                        A Laugh on Every Page
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Page 7, "discoverd" changed to "discovered" (Who has discovered)
+
+Page 32, extraneous closing quote removed from text. Original read:
+"guide," philosopher and friend"
+
+Page 73, "Corespondence" changed to "Correspondence" (from the
+Correspondence)
+
+Text uses both caveman and cave-man, commonsense and common-sense,
+goodby and good-by.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland
+
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+      .quote2 {font-size: 200%; margin-top: .75em; margin-left: 18%; margin-right: 18%;
+      text-align: center;
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+      text-align: center;
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+     .quote4 {font-size: 200%; text-indent: -1em; margin-left: 5em; margin-top: 0;  margin-right: 18%;
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+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Guide to Men
+       Being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor Girl
+
+Author: Helen Rowland
+
+Release Date: December 8, 2009 [EBook #30630]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A GUIDE TO MEN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Emmy, Tor Martin Kristiansen and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 415px;">
+<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="415" height="600" alt="Cover" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 475px;">
+<img src="images/frontfacing_right.jpg" width="475" height="600" alt="Front cover and signature" title="" />
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span><br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span></p>
+<h1>A GUIDE TO MEN</h1>
+
+
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<div class='quote3'>
+A&nbsp;BACHELOR'S LIFE
+IS ONE LONG
+SOLO&mdash;USUALLY
+A HYMN OF
+THANKSGIVING<br />
+</div><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h1>
+A GUIDE TO<br />
+MEN
+</h1>
+<h3>BEING ENCORE<br />
+REFLECTIONS OF A<br />
+BACHELOR GIRL<br /></h3>
+
+<h2><i>by</i><br />
+HELEN<br />
+ROWLAND<br /><br /></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 33px;">
+<img src="images/emblem.png" width="33" height="49" alt="Emblem" title="" />
+</div>
+<div class='center'><br /><br /><br />
+PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK BY<br />
+DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY<br />
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY DODGE<br />
+PUBLISHING COMPANY, NEW YORK<br />
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+To<br />
+FANNIE HURST<br />
+</div>
+
+<div class='blockquot2'>Who has <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'discoverd'">discovered</ins> the secret of how to be
+happy, though wedded to an art and to a man
+at the same time.
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents">
+<tr><td align='left'>Foreword <i>by</i> Fannie Hurst</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_13">13</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Overture</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_17">17</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Prelude</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_19">19</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Refrain</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_21">21</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Bachelors</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>First Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>True Love&mdash;How to know it</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Variations</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_38">38</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Blondes</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_42">42</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Cymbals &amp; Kettle-drums</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_44">44</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>What Every Woman Wonders</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_50">50</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Second Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_58">58</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span>Brides</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_63">63</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Syncopations</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_66">66</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Divorces</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_73">73</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Third Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_75">75</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Widows</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_81">81</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Improvisations</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_83">83</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Widowers</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_89">89</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Fourth Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_92">92</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Second Marriages</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_99">99</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Intermezzo</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_102">102</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Woman &amp; Her Infinite Variety&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_109">109</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Maxims of Cleopatra</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_112">112</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Finale</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_118">118</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Curtain</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_125">125</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="List of Illustrations">
+<tr><td align='left'>. . . and interrupts him.</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Places him on a pedestal . . .</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Married to a human being . . .&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_63">63</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>In remembrance.</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_73">73</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Half a love . . .</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_81">81</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>You may polish him up . . .</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_89">89</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A brand new sensation . . .</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_99">99</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A man just crawls away . . .</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_109">109</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>FOREWORD</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>A SMALL phial, I doubt not, could contain the
+attar of the epigrammatic literature of all
+time. Few of the perfumes of this diminutive
+form of wit and satire have survived. Pretty and
+scented vaporings, most of the thousands and thousands
+of them, that have died on the air of the foibles
+of their day.</div>
+
+<p>Yet how the pungent ones can persist! The racy
+old odors, which are as new as <i>now</i>, that still hover
+about the political and amorous quips of the Greeks.
+The nose-crinkling ones of the French, more vinegar-acrid
+than perfumed, although a seventeenth-century
+proverb calls France "a monarchy tempered
+by epigrams." The didactic Teutonic ones, sharply
+corrosive.</p>
+
+<p>The greatest evaporative of course of this form of
+<i>bon mot</i> is mere cleverness. Wit is the attar which
+endures. The wit of Pope and Catullus, Landor,
+Voltaire, Rousseau and Wilde.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>That is what Rapin must have had in mind when
+he said that a man ought to be content if he succeeded
+in writing one really good epigram.</p>
+
+<p>Helen Rowland stands pleasantly impeached for
+writing many. She has a whizz to her swiftly
+cynical arrow that entitles her to a place in the
+tournament.</p>
+
+<p>She is not merely anagrammatical, scorns the couplet
+for the mere sake of the couplet, and has little
+time for the smiting word at any price.</p>
+
+<p>In the entire history of epigrammatic expression
+there are few if any whose fame rests solely upon
+the brittle structure of the <i>bon mot</i>. Martial, about
+whose brilliant brevities can scarcely be said to
+hover the odor of sanctity, is, I suppose, remembered
+solely as a wielder of the barbed word.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Rowland is balanced skilfully upon that same
+slender trapeze, doing a very deft bow-and-arrow
+act, her archery of a high order.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>She wields a wicked bow, a kindly bow, a swift, a
+sure, a ductile bow.</p>
+
+<p>Matrimony is her favorite target (so was it Bombo's
+and Herrick's and even political Parnell had his shot
+at it) and her little winged arrows are often bitingly
+pointed with philosophy, satire, wit and sometimes
+just a touch of good old home-brew American
+hokum.</p>
+
+<p>For this wise woman with the high-spirited bow
+behind her arrow, these little pages speak eloquently.</p>
+
+<div class='sig'>
+FANNIE HURST.<br /></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;">
+<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>OVERTURE</h2>
+
+
+<div class='poem'>
+Would you your sweetheart's secret seek to spell?<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">There are so many little ways to tell!</span><br />
+A hair, perhaps, shall prove him false or true&mdash;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A single hair upon his coat lapel!</span><br />
+<br /><br /></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>PRELUDE</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>THE sweetest part of a kiss is the moment just
+before taking.</div>
+
+<p>Love is misery&mdash;sweetened with imagination,
+salted with tears, spiced with doubt, flavored with
+novelty, and swallowed with your eyes shut.</p>
+
+<p>Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from
+a pleasure into a duty, and a lie from a luxury into a
+necessity.</p>
+
+<p>A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve
+has been extracted.</p>
+
+<p>A man's heart is like a barber shop in which the
+cry is always, "NEXT!"</p>
+
+<p>The discovery of rice-powder on his coat-lapel
+makes a college-boy swagger, a bachelor blush, and
+a married man tremble.</p>
+
+<p>It takes one woman twenty years to make a man
+of her son&mdash;and another woman twenty minutes to
+make a fool of him.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>By the time a man has discovered that he is in love
+with a woman, she is usually so fagged out waiting
+for the phenomenon, that she is ready to topple
+right over into his arms from sheer exhaustion.</p>
+
+<p>A man always asks for "just one kiss"&mdash;because he
+knows that, if he can get that, the rest will come
+without asking.</p>
+
+<p>Somehow, the moment a man has surrendered the
+key of his heart to a woman, he begins to think
+about changing the lock.</p>
+
+<p>There are only two ages, at which a man faces the
+altar without a shudder; at twenty when he doesn't
+know what's happening to him&mdash;and at eighty when
+he doesn't care.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;">
+<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<h2>THE REFRAIN</h2>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/illus-1.jpg" width="400" height="233" alt="Angel and demon" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class='poem'><div class='cap'>
+THERE'S so much saint in the worst of them,<br />
+And so much devil in the best of them,<br />
+That a woman who's married to one of them,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Has nothing to learn of the rest of them.</span><br /><br /><br />
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='quote2'>
+SOMEHOW, JUST AT
+THE PSYCHOLOGICAL
+MOMENT WHEN A
+BACHELOR FANCIES
+THAT HE IS GOING TO
+DIE FOR LOVE OF A
+WOMAN, ANOTHER
+WOMAN ALWAYS COMES
+ALONG AND INTERRUPTS
+HIM&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<img src="images/decoration2.png" width="95" height="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" />
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 346px;">
+<img src="images/illus-2.jpg" width="346" height="500" alt=". . . and interrupts him." title="" />
+<span class="caption">. . . and interrupts him.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>BACHELORS</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>THE modern bachelor is like a blotting pad; he
+can soak up all the sentiment and flattery a
+woman has to offer him, without ever spilling
+a drop.</div>
+
+<p>A confirmed bachelor is so sure of his ability to
+dodge, that he is willing to amuse every pretty girl
+he meets, by handing her a rope and daring her to
+catch him.</p>
+
+<p>A bachelor is a large body of egotism, completely
+surrounded by caution and fortified at all points
+by suspicion. His chief products are wild oats and
+cynicism; his chief industry is dodging matrimony;
+his undeviating policy "Protection!" and his watch-word,
+"Give me liberty or give me death!"</p>
+
+<p>The average bachelor is so afraid of falling into
+matrimony, nowadays, that he sprinkles the path
+of love with ashes instead of with roses.</p>
+
+<p>The care with which a bachelor chaperones himself
+would inspire even the duenna of a fashionable
+boarding school with envy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A bachelor's idea of "safety first" consists in getting
+tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid
+getting tied up to one.</p>
+
+<p>He is an altruist who refrains from devoting himself
+to one woman in order that he may scatter
+sweetness and light amongst the multitude.</p>
+
+<p>There is nothing quite so intriguing to a bachelor
+as flirting with the "<i>idea of marriage</i>"&mdash;with his
+fingers crossed. He just loves to "consider marrying"
+in the abstract and to go about pitying himself
+for being so "lonely."</p>
+
+<p>There are three kinds of bachelors: the kind that
+must be driven into matrimony with a whip; the
+kind that must be coaxed with sugar; and the kind
+that must be blindfolded and backed into the shafts.</p>
+
+<p>If you want to be chosen to brighten a bachelor's
+life, first make it dark and dreary; so long as women
+are willing to make his existence one long sweet
+song, naturally he isn't anxious to exchange it for
+a lullaby.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When a man actually asks a girl to marry him in
+these days of bachelor comforts and the deification
+of single-blessedness, she has a revelation of human
+unselfishness that stands as the eighth wonder of
+the world.</p>
+
+<p>That tired expression on a bachelor's face is not
+so often the result of brain-fag from an overworked
+mind as of heart-fag from overworking the emotions.</p>
+
+<p>Lovers look at life through rose-colored curtains;
+old bachelors see it through a fog.</p>
+
+<p>Somehow, a bachelor never quite gets over the idea
+that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever!</p>
+
+<p>A bachelor fancies that it is his wonderful sixty-horse
+will-power that keeps him from marrying,
+whereas it is nothing but his little one-horse <i>won't-power</i>.</p>
+
+<p>One consolation in marrying a bachelor over forty
+is that he has fought so long and so hard to escape
+the hook that there is no more fight left in him.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Never give up hope as long as a bachelor declares
+definitely, "No woman can <i>get</i> me!" Wait until
+he is so sure of his immunity that he sighs regretfully,
+"No woman will <i>have</i> me!"</p>
+
+<p>The "vicious circle" in a bachelor's opinion, is the
+platinum one on a woman's third finger.</p>
+
+<p>A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot
+of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<h2>FIRST INTERLUDE</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>IN the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns&mdash;and
+turns&mdash;and turns!</div>
+
+<p>There are lots of "sure cures" for love, but the
+quickest and surest is&mdash;<i>another love</i>.</p>
+
+<p>If there were only two women and one man in the
+world, the man would marry the brunette and then
+spend the rest of his life peeping over her shoulder
+and trying to flirt with the blonde.</p>
+
+<p>A woman always embalms the corpse of a dead
+love; a man wisely cremates it, and plants a new
+love in the ashes.</p>
+
+<p>A fool and her money are soon courted.</p>
+
+<p>A woman's pity for a man who loves her against
+her will may be akin to love; but a man's pity
+for a woman who loves him without his permission
+is a twin brother to boredom.</p>
+
+<p>Marriage is the miracle which affords a woman a
+chance to gratify her vanity, pacify her family, mortify
+her rivals, and electrify her friends, all at the
+same time. Marriage is sweet!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Love is what incites the caveman to drag a woman
+around by the hair and makes the civilized man
+permit a woman to drag <i>him</i> around by the nose.</p>
+
+<p>The heart of a woman is a secret sanctuary where
+she is constantly burning incense and candles before
+a succession of idols of clay.</p>
+
+<p>Nowadays, a man's faith in women and heaven
+seems to disappear with his milk-teeth and to reappear
+again with his false teeth.</p>
+
+<p>To most men "repentance" is merely the interval
+between the headache and the next temptation.</p>
+
+<p>Most bachelors regard the "flower of love" as a
+species of poison ivy.</p>
+
+<p>Even Satan could find a woman to call him
+"Dearie," if he would simply tell her that all he
+needed was "a beautiful woman's uplifting influence."</p>
+
+<p>A man may be guilty of stealing a girl's heart, but
+he always feels hurt and indignant if she refuses to
+take it back again after he has finished with it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Woman's love&mdash;a mirror in which a man beholds
+himself glorified, magnified and deified.</p>
+
+<p>Always try to be the "guiding star" of a man's life,
+but never make the mistake of fancying that you
+are his whole planetary system.</p>
+
+<p>A woman must keep her conscience, her complexion
+and her reputation snow-white. But a man is satisfied
+if he can just manage to keep his so that they
+comply with the pure food laws.</p>
+
+<p>Art is inspiring, but you can't run your fingers
+through its hair; a career is absorbing, but you can't
+tie ribbons on the curls of your brain-children;
+work is ennobling, but, alas, it hasn't got a shoulder
+to cry on!</p>
+
+<p>When a girl refuses to kiss a man he is never disconcerted;
+he is merely astonished that she could
+be so blind to her own feelings.</p>
+
+<p>A summer resort is a place where a girl spends half
+her time in making herself alluring&mdash;and the other
+half in yearning for something to "lure."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When a girl marries a man she is sadly aware that
+all his old sweethearts are wondering <i>how</i> she did
+it, and that all her old sweethearts are wondering
+<i>why</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Marriage will never be safe until we stop making it
+an "ideal" and begin trying to make it a square deal.</p>
+
+<p>Just before marriage a man's coat lapel acquires
+that grayish look which comes from the constant
+contact with face powder, but it's wonderful how
+soon it brightens up and gets back its natural color
+after the wedding.</p>
+
+<p>Love is like appendicitis; you never know when nor
+how it is going to strike you&mdash;the only difference
+being that, after one attack of appendicitis, your
+curiosity is perfectly satisfied.</p>
+
+<p>No matter how many men have tried to flirt with
+her, a girl will step cheerfully up to the altar in
+the firm belief that she has found the one perfect
+human being in trousers who will never look at
+another woman.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen
+that she can see right through her husband without
+looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look
+right through his wife without seeing her.</p>
+
+<p>A man recuperates so much more quickly from his
+remorse than a woman does from her indignation
+that by the time she has forgiven him he is tired of
+being good and ready to sin again.</p>
+
+<p>Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake
+all night thinking about something you said; after
+marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying
+it.</p>
+
+<p>A man can never understand how a woman gets so
+much joy out of leading him all the way to the
+threshold of love and then sweetly closing the door
+in his face.</p>
+
+<p>Solitaire&mdash;the married woman's game.</p>
+
+<p>A man's greatest conquest is self-conquest; his
+greatest possession, self-possession; and his greatest
+love&mdash;Oh, well, you fill in the rest.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who
+flirts with him wants him to kiss her&mdash;when, nine
+times out of ten, she only wants him to <i>want</i> to
+kiss her?</p>
+
+<p>Plunging into a hasty marriage in order to escape
+from a foolish entanglement is like rushing under
+a trolley car in order to escape from a taxicab.</p>
+
+<p>Nowadays a girl's favorite way of committing suicide
+for love of a man, is to marry him and worry
+herself to death over him.</p>
+
+<p>A good wife is always her husband's "guide,
+philosopher and friend"; also his guardian, digestion,
+conscience, time-table and valet.</p>
+
+<p>A man never knows how to say goodby; a woman
+never knows <i>when</i> to say it.</p>
+
+<p>A woman's greatest "right" is the right husband.</p>
+
+<p>A woman might forgive a man for all his sins; it's
+that stained-glass attitude with which he decides to
+"give them up" when he is tired of them that exasperates
+her so.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<div class='quote2'>A MAN DOESN'T WANT
+A WIFE WHO PLACES
+HIM ON A PEDESTAL
+OR KEEPS HIM ON A
+FOOTSTOOL, BUT ONE
+WHO WILL TAKE HIM
+AS A MERE MAN&mdash;AND
+LET HIM GO ON BEING
+"MERE"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<img src="images/decoration3.png" width="167" height="25" alt="Three Leaves" title="" />
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 364px;"><br /><br />
+<img src="images/illus-3.jpg" width="364" height="500" alt="Places him on a pedestal . . ." title="" />
+<span class="caption">Places him on a pedestal . . .</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>TRUE LOVE&mdash;HOW TO KNOW IT</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>TRUE LOVE is nothing but friendship, highly
+intensified, flavored with sentiment, spiced
+with passion, and sprinkled with the stardust
+of romance.</div>
+
+<p>True Love can be no deeper than your capacity for
+friendship, no higher than your ideals, and no
+broader than the scope of your vision.</p>
+
+<p>True Love, in the cave man, is expressed by a desire
+to beat a woman, and to pull her around by the hair.</p>
+
+<p>True Love, in the Broadwayite, is expressed by an
+insatiable craving to <i>buy things</i> for a woman.</p>
+
+<p>True Love, in a husband, is expressed by his willingness
+to give his wife anything, from the tenderest
+piece of steak to a divorce, if it will make her
+happy.</p>
+
+<p>True Love, in any man, is the essence of unselfishness;
+and the most selfish thing in the world. It
+is the selfishness that transcends selfishness; the
+vanity that puts egotism in the shade.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>True Love, in a bachelor, is exemplified by his
+willingness to marry a woman&mdash;against all his instincts,
+his sense of self-preservation, and his better
+judgment.</p>
+
+<p>True Love, in a born flirt, is evidenced by his inability
+to think of any <i>other woman</i>, while he is
+kissing a particular one.</p>
+
+<p>True Love, in an author, is demonstrated by his
+self-restraint, in refusing to make "copy" out of a
+love affair.</p>
+
+<p>True Love, in a college boy, is expressed by his
+ability to think of somebody besides himself for a
+whole hour at a time.</p>
+
+<p>It is the flash of light, by which one sees clearly
+that to do for another, give to another, and sacrifice
+for another, will get one the most happiness out of
+life.</p>
+
+<p>True Love, in the poet, is expressed in soul kisses,
+and by his inability to do any work for days at a
+time.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>We speak of "falling in love," as though it were a
+pit or an abyss; but True Love is the light on the
+mountain-top, to which we must eternally climb.</p>
+
+<p>True Love is a relic of the Victorian Age.</p>
+
+<p>It still exists, here and there, like the buffalo; but
+in the face of eugenics, feminism, and the growing
+masculine determination not to marry, it may some
+day have to take a place beside the Dinosaurus in
+the Public Museum.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="Decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>VARIATIONS</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>FLIRTATION is a duel in which the combatants
+cross lies, sighs and eyes&mdash;and the
+coolest heart wins.</div>
+
+<p>Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the
+imagination and bottling the common-sense.</p>
+
+<p>In the medley of love a man's soul sings a sonata,
+while his heart plays a waltz and his pulse beats to
+rag-time.</p>
+
+<p>Better be a strong man's "rib" than a weak man's
+"backbone."</p>
+
+<p>True love isn't the kind that endures through long
+years of absence, but the kind that endures through
+long years of propinquity.</p>
+
+<p>A man seldom thinks of marrying when he meets
+his ideal woman; he waits until he gets the marrying
+fever and then idealizes the first woman he
+happens to meet.</p>
+
+<p>Love is what tempts a man to tell foolish lies to a
+woman and a woman to tell the fool truth to a man.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It took seven hundred guesses for Solomon to find
+out what kind of a wife he wanted; and even then
+he seems to have had his doubts.</p>
+
+<p>The only thing more astonishing than the length
+of time a man's love will subsist on nothing is the
+celerity with which it is surfeited the moment it
+has any encouragement to feed on.</p>
+
+<p>Even when a man knows that he wants to marry
+a woman, she has to prove it to him with a diagram
+before he is really convinced of it.</p>
+
+<p>A man is so apt to mistake his love of experiment
+for love of a woman that half the time he doesn't
+know which is which.</p>
+
+<p>Why is it that a man never thinks he has tasted
+the cup of joy unless he has splashed it all over himself,
+as though it were his morning bath?</p>
+
+<p>A man is so versatile that he can read his newspaper
+with one set of brain-cells while he carries
+on a conversation with his wife with another set.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A girl hides her emotions under a veil of modesty,
+a spinster under a cloak of cynicism, a wife under
+a mantle of tact, and a widow under a cloud of
+mystery&mdash;and then women wonder why they are
+"misunderstood."</p>
+
+<p>Proposing is a sort of acrobatic feat, in which a man
+must hang on to his nerve with one hand and to the
+girl with the other. If he lets go of either, he is
+lost.</p>
+
+<p>In love, as in poker, men play just to <i>play</i>&mdash;and
+then proceed to throw away what has been easily
+won, without any thought of its value. Thus
+gamblers so often die in poverty and Lotharios in
+loneliness.</p>
+
+<p>Nowadays, a truly chivalrous girl will "lie like a
+lady" in order to protect a trusting man's vanity.</p>
+
+<p>The woman who fascinates a man is not the one
+who looks up to him as the sun of her existence,
+but the one who merely looks down on him as one
+of the footlights.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Don't doubt a man when he says, "I never loved
+like <i>this</i> before." Each time a man falls in love
+with so much more ease and facility that he doesn't
+recognize it as the same old emotion at all.</p>
+
+<p>The first time a man lies to his wife he is surprised
+to discover how easy it is to do it. After that he
+is surprised to find out how hard it is <i>not</i> to do it.</p>
+
+<p>A man always speaks of having "given" his heart
+to a woman as though he had done something generous
+and noble; whereas, nine times out of ten, she
+probably had to wrench it from him.</p>
+
+<p>About the only things in connection with his wife
+for which a man shows any respect after a few
+years of marriage are her reputation and her toothbrush.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;">
+<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>BLONDES</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>NEXT to a mouse or a rich widow, there is
+nothing on earth that a normal girl dreads so
+much as a blonde.</div>
+
+<p>No matter how many brunettes a man may have
+married from time to time you can always be perfectly
+sure that there has been a blonde in his life.</p>
+
+<p>A woman with dark hair and eyes may make men
+admire her, but in order to make one of them
+<i>propose</i> she must blondine her temperament down
+to the roots.</p>
+
+<p>The dusky Cleopatra may have succeeded in making
+fools of a few men, but it took a dizzy little
+blonde like Helen of Troy to make a lot of men
+make fools of <i>themselves</i>.</p>
+
+<p>In order to be popular with men, in these days, a
+brunette must be either brilliant, interesting, rich
+or beautiful; but a blonde doesn't have to be anything
+but a <i>blonde</i>.</p>
+
+<p>You may fight a brunette, dearie, as woman to
+woman, but when you fight a blonde you fight a
+cherished masculine tradition.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it that in all the novels and motion picture
+plays the vampires and adventuresses have dark
+hair and black eyes, while the innocent, persecuted
+angels are all blondes&mdash;whereas in real life it is
+always the other way 'round.</p>
+
+<p>Generally speaking, there are two kinds of blondes:
+blondes by birth and blondes by preference. These
+are subdivided into golden blondes, diamond
+blondes, strawberry blondes&mdash;and undecided
+blondes; that is, those who have not yet decided
+on their favorite shade.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes illness turns a woman's hair gray, and
+sometimes it merely turns it dark at the roots. A
+little peroxide is a treacherous thing!</p>
+
+<p>All this talk about the "yellow peril" is nonsense.
+There is no more danger in permitting your husband
+to employ a pretty blonde stenographer than
+there is in throwing a lighted match into the wastebasket.</p>
+
+<p>When love flies out of the window the tame cat and
+the sympathetic blonde tip-toe in by opposite doors.</p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div><h2>CYMBALS AND KETTLE-DRUMS</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>THIS is the great masculine question: Whether
+it is better to marry and live in the constant
+fear of one woman's frown or to stay single
+and live in deadly fear of every woman's smile.</div>
+
+<p>"Conscience doth make cowards of us all"&mdash;but not
+until we've emptied the bottle, tired of the flirtation
+and gotten our money's worth out of the game.</p>
+
+<p>Marriage&mdash;A souvenir of love.</p>
+
+<p>Wanted: A wife who can broil a steak with one
+hand, powder her nose with the other, rock the
+cradle with her foot and accompany herself on the
+harp. (<i>Signed</i>) <span class="smcap">Everyman</span>.</p>
+
+<p>When the girls admire him a young man takes it
+as a matter of course; but when a widow selects
+him for her attention he thrills with the knowledge
+that he is being stamped with the approval of a
+connoisseur.</p>
+
+<p>Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay
+down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't
+even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>If Achilles' only vulnerable spot was in his heel,
+then his vanity must have gone to his feet, instead
+of to his head.</p>
+
+<p>You can't expect a woman to accomplish much in
+this life, since she is busy every minute of it either
+trying to <i>get</i> some man, trying to <i>get along with</i>
+one, or trying to <i>get rid of</i> one.</p>
+
+<p>A man's wife is something like his teeth: He never
+thinks of her unless she happens to bother him.</p>
+
+<p>Life is a tale that is "told": the monk tells his
+beads, the seer tells fortunes, the lover tells lies&mdash;and
+a woman tells everything.</p>
+
+<p>To collect books is a sign of culture, to collect jewels
+a sign of wealth, but to collect husbands is a sign
+of paresis.</p>
+
+<p>A modern bachelor makes love with his hand on his
+pulse and his eye on the clock.</p>
+
+<p>Oh yes, there is a vast difference between the savage
+and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to
+their wives until after breakfast.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A sympathetic woman is like a rose which a man
+wears over his heart; a stupid woman is like a cabbage
+which he keeps in his kitchen; but a merely
+"clever" woman is like a dahlia&mdash;he knows he ought
+to admire her, but he had just as lief do so from a
+distance.</p>
+
+<p>While a woman is weeping over the ghost of a dead
+love in the graveyard of memory, a man is usually
+off pursuing a lot of little new loves in the garden
+of forgetfulness.</p>
+
+<p>Life is like a poem or a story; the most important
+thing about it is not that it should be long, but that
+it should be beautiful and interesting.</p>
+
+<p>The older a woman gets the more trusting she becomes;
+at twenty a man can feed her only diluted
+flattery; but at forty she can swallow it, straight,
+without a quiver.</p>
+
+<p>No girl who is going to marry need bother to win
+a college degree; she just naturally becomes a "Master
+of Arts" and a "Doctor of Philosophy" after
+catering to an ordinary man for a few years.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The average man takes all the natural taste out of
+his food by covering it with ready-made sauces, and
+all the personality out of a woman by covering
+her with his ready-made ideals.</p>
+
+<p>Heaven is <i>not</i> a mythical place. It can be found
+right down in the heart of the man who has found
+the work he loves and the woman he loves.</p>
+
+<p>An ideal lover is one with such a keen dramatic
+instinct that he can convince himself of his sincerity&mdash;even
+when he knows that he is lying.</p>
+
+<p>Love is a matter of chance; matrimony a matter of
+money, and divorce&mdash;a matter of course.</p>
+
+<p>Adam was the first man to "misunderstand" a
+woman.</p>
+
+<p>A man is like a park squirrel; if you fling your
+favors or your charms at his head he will never
+come up and eat out of your hand.</p>
+
+<p>What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the
+mental action that follows a sentimental reaction
+after too much wine or love.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In the School of Love, a man is forever just taking
+up a brand new "study" and discovering that all the
+old loves were nothing but "preparatory practice."</p>
+
+<p>The eugenic idea of choosing a husband would be
+perfectly lovely, only that a husband isn't a matter
+of choice, but of chance, accident or blind luck.</p>
+
+<p>Love is woman's eternal spring, man's eternal fall.</p>
+
+<p>It isn't beauty, and it isn't cleverness, and it isn't
+clothes that make a particular woman fascinating.
+It is just a sort of magnetic current which seems to
+run around her and set her eyes a-twinkling&mdash;and
+a man's heart tingling.</p>
+
+<p>It is utterly useless to tell a man the honest truth.
+That is the last thing on earth which a man ever
+tells a woman&mdash;so of course it's the last thing on
+earth which he ever expects to hear from her.</p>
+
+<p>The average man, like "all Gaul," is divided into
+three parts: his vanity, his digestion and his ambition.
+Cater to the first, guard the second and stimulate
+the third&mdash;and his love will take care of itself.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>There is no such tonic for a man's nerve as a
+capricious wife and no such softener for his backbone
+as a self-sacrificing one.</p>
+
+<p>A man can sit in the moonlight and talk "New
+Thought" to a pretty girl and at the same time look
+right into her eyes with all the old, old ones.</p>
+
+<p>Bohemia is an oasis in the desert of life where only
+the rich-in-dreams may go and only the poor-in-purse
+may stay.</p>
+
+<p>There is no way of two people really knowing each
+other until after they are married and have to share
+the same dollar, the same table, the same newspaper
+and the same chiffonier.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;">
+<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>WHAT EVERY WOMAN WONDERS</h2>
+
+
+<div class='poem2'><div class='cap'>
+THERE are gardens full of flowers that I feared to pluck.<br />
+There are eyes full of promises that I dared not believe.<br />
+There are lips full of sweetness, from which I turned away.<br />
+I wonder if Paradise holds anything for me, one-half so beautiful<br />
+As the joys I have renounced for its sake!<br />
+</div></div>
+
+<p>A man's life is like a musical comedy; there is
+always one woman in it who is the star&mdash;but it
+takes ninety-nine others to make up the "ensemble."</p>
+
+<p>Nothing so annoys a man as to have a woman
+"cheer him up," when he is enjoying the exquisite
+luxury of feeling sorry for himself.</p>
+
+<p>The modern girl's "perfect candor" has taken the
+sin out of sincerity&mdash;and most of the sweet scent
+out of the flower of sentiment. Without the Serpent,
+the Garden of Eden would seem a dull old
+place to most men.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Love is neither a bonfire, nor a kitchen-fire; but an
+altar-fire, to be kept burning forever with prayer
+and reverence.</p>
+
+<p>In the language of love, "Forever!" means for quite
+a little while and "Never!" means not until next
+season.</p>
+
+<p>"A fool there was, and he made his prayer"&mdash;to two
+women on the same party wire.</p>
+
+<p>Love is a matter of give and take&mdash;marriage, a matter
+of misgive and mistake.</p>
+
+<p>Even a fool knows enough to laugh at a man's
+joke&mdash;but only a born Siren knows enough to hang
+onto his coat-lapel and beg him to "Tell it again!"</p>
+
+<p>Some men are born for matrimony, some achieve
+matrimony&mdash;but most of them are merely poor
+dodgers.</p>
+
+<p>There are many times when a woman would gladly
+drop her husband, if she did not feel morally certain
+that some other woman would come right along
+and pick him up.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Alas! In choosing a husband, it seems that you've
+always got to decide between something tame and
+uninteresting, like a gold-fish, and something wild
+and fascinating, like a mountain goat.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps the first time a young man actually realizes
+that he is married is when he catches himself looking
+at other women with that strange, new, wistful
+sort of interest.</p>
+
+<p>It is at once the mission and the punishment of the
+flirt to go through life tapping the hearts of men,
+that they may overflow&mdash;for other women.</p>
+
+<p>The sweetest things in a woman's life are her "yesterdays"&mdash;the
+sweetest things in a man's life are
+his "tomorrows."</p>
+
+<p>The man who is fondly looking for a perfect angel
+almost invariably ends by marrying some little devil
+who knows how to persuade him that her horns are
+merely the signs of a budding halo.</p>
+
+<p>Woman is to most men what "heart-failure" is to
+the doctors&mdash;something that it is always convenient
+to blame any old thing on.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"The mind has a thousand eyes&mdash;the heart but
+one!"&mdash;and that usually goes fast asleep, after marriage.</p>
+
+<p>Philosophy is the only kind of "sweetening" with
+which to make life palatable.</p>
+
+<p>Estimated from a wife's experience, the average
+man spends fully one-quarter of his life in looking
+for his shoes.</p>
+
+<p>An "idealist" is a man who is content to worship
+a woman from afar&mdash;and let some gross, unselfish
+materialist marry her and support her.</p>
+
+<p>Changing husbands is about as satisfactory as
+changing a bundle from one hand to the other; it
+gives you only temporary relief.</p>
+
+<p>France may claim the happiest marriages in the
+world, but the happiest divorces in the world are
+"made in America."</p>
+
+<p>No doubt, even Solomon told each of his 700 wives
+that he had merely <i>thought</i> he loved the others,
+but that <i>she</i> was the only girl he "ever really cared
+for" in just that way.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Love is what makes a man appear blissfully happy,
+when a woman is mussing up the precious wisp of
+hair across his bald spot.</p>
+
+<p>Love is what makes a woman laugh delightedly
+when a man is telling her for the second time, a
+story which she knew by heart before he told it to
+her the first time.</p>
+
+<p>All this "sex-antagonism" must have started when
+Adam brought in the first rabbit and ordered Eve
+to make it into Chicken-a-la-King.</p>
+
+<p>When a man takes a notion to marry, he doesn't
+start following it up&mdash;he merely stops running
+away.</p>
+
+<p>A woman is young until the light dies out of her
+last lover's eyes.</p>
+
+<p>Whenever a pretty girl runs her fingers through
+his hair, a cautious bachelor can't help thinking of
+what happened to Samson.</p>
+
+<p>Success in flirtation, as in gambling, consists in
+"getting out of the game" at the psychological moment
+before your luck begins to turn.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Being a husband's "economic equal" may be awfully
+noble and advanced; but it usually means being all
+of his ribs and most of his vertebrae.</p>
+
+<p>Men have been classified as "what women marry."
+They have two feet, two hands and sometimes two
+wives&mdash;but never more than one collar-button or
+one idea at a time.</p>
+
+<p>When a man says, "Nobody understands me," don't
+fancy he is suffering. He is merely trying to let
+you know, in a modest way, that he is a profound,
+fascinating mystery.</p>
+
+<p>A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second,
+demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the
+fifth&mdash;and endures all the rest of them.</p>
+
+<p>After two years, an engagement doesn't need to be
+broken; it just naturally sags in the middle and
+comes apart.</p>
+
+<p>Eve had as much choice in the matter of a husband
+as any other woman. She merely accepted what
+fate sent her, and pretended to have gotten her
+"ideal."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It is not much comfort to be able to keep your husband's
+material body in the house evenings, when
+his astral body keeps wandering off to the club,
+every few minutes.</p>
+
+<p>In love, sweet are the uses of diversity!</p>
+
+<p>A woman's love "bursts into flower," but judging
+from the time it takes him to discover it, a man's
+love must be developed by the wearisome process of
+geological formation.</p>
+
+<p>If a man and a diamond are big and brilliant
+enough, one doesn't mind a few flaws in them; but,
+for some reason, Heaven knows why, a woman and
+a pearl are expected to be absolutely perfect.</p>
+
+<p>When Fate places a laurel wreath on the brow of
+a genius she hitches a plough to his shoulders and
+holds a Tantalus cup to his lips.</p>
+
+<p>It isn't the man who paints his virtues in three
+colors and begs her to marry him, but the one who
+paints his sins in vermilion and begs her to "save"
+him who usually wins the girl.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>If you want a man to propose don't try to make
+your family coddle him. Make them hate him,
+because a man never really "takes hold" until somebody
+begins to pull the other way.</p>
+
+<p>The man who falls in love at first sight never knows
+what has struck him, and therefore mercifully escapes
+all the agonizing slow-torture of feeling himself
+sink, inch by inch, into the quicksands of
+matrimony.</p>
+
+<p>Never believe that justice is all you owe your husband;
+what every man needs, from the woman who
+loves him, is faith, hope and charity&mdash;and above
+all, <i>mercy</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Even a coquette can be loyal to one man&mdash;until she
+prefers another; but a man's heart is like a ferry-boat&mdash;always
+going backward and forward, and
+never staying "docked."</p>
+
+<p>Soft, sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing&mdash;that
+is what a little boy loves to eat and a grown
+man prefers to marry.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<h2>SECOND INTERLUDE</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>TO find your mate&mdash;that is luck; to know him
+when you find him&mdash;that is inspiration; to
+win him when you know him&mdash;that is art;
+and to keep him when you've won him&mdash;that is a
+<i>miracle</i>.</div>
+
+<p>A woman wastes more time in dreaming over a past
+flirtation than it would take a man to start a half
+dozen new ones.</p>
+
+<p>Flattery affects a man like any other sort of "dope."
+It stimulates and exhilarates him for the moment,
+but usually ends by going to his head and making
+him act foolish.</p>
+
+<p>The only way to be happy in this world is to take
+men and flirtations as they come&mdash;and <i>let them go</i>
+as they go.</p>
+
+<p>Almost any straight path of devotion will lead to
+a woman's heart. It's this zigzagging from sentiment
+to cold fear and from adoration to self-preservation,
+that makes the way so long and dangerous
+for the average man.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Solomon may have been the most famous <i>husband</i>
+who ever lived, but as a <i>hero</i> he isn't in it with the
+man who manages to get along happily and contentedly
+all through life with just <i>one</i> wife!</p>
+
+<p>Woman! The peg on which the wit hangs his jest,
+the preacher his text, the cynic his grouch, and the
+sinner his justification!</p>
+
+<p>Everybody seems to be going through life at automobile
+speed nowadays; but alas, there are no sentimental
+garages by Life's wayside at which we
+may obtain a fresh supply of emotions, purchase a
+new thrill or patch up an exploded ideal.</p>
+
+<p>A man's work lasts from sun to sun, but his excuses
+for staying late at the office are never done.</p>
+
+<p>Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better
+side, his nobler instincts and his higher nature&mdash;and
+another woman to help him forget them.</p>
+
+<p>Never rush into a love affair. Love is a waiting
+game, which requires nerve, concentration, and a
+poker face.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The average man marries one woman just in order
+to escape from a lot of others&mdash;and then flirts with
+a lot of others just in order to forget that he is
+married to one.</p>
+
+<p>Once a girl's heart beat faster at the sound of her
+sweetheart's footstep on the garden path; but now
+it requires the hum of a twelve-cylinder motor-car
+to rouse her from her lassitude.</p>
+
+<p>The one thing about love-making that the modern
+man simply can't understand is that, in order to
+make it thrilling and interesting, he must really put
+a little <i>love</i> in it.</p>
+
+<p>In the war of the sexes a woman hides her scars
+of battle beneath a smile and a coat of rouge. A
+man goes about displaying his as proudly as though
+they were medals.</p>
+
+<p>Occasionally one meets a man who plunges into a
+love affair as he plunges into the surf, but most of
+them just sit back lazily on the beach and let the
+waves of emotion splash harmlessly over them.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='quote2'>
+THE GREATEST SHOCK
+A TEMPERAMENTAL
+WOMAN CAN RECEIVE
+IS TO WAKE UP AND
+FIND THAT SHE IS
+MARRIED TO A HUMAN
+BEING INSTEAD OF AN
+IDEAL&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<img src="images/decoration3.png" width="167" height="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" />
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 341px;">
+<img src="images/illus-4.jpg" width="341" height="500" alt="Married to a human being . . ." title="" />
+<span class="caption">Married to a human being . . .</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div><h2>BRIDES</h2>
+
+<h3>"NEVERS" FOR THE "RIB."</h3>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>NEVER ask him to kiss you. Make your kisses
+a privilege, not a duty; a luxury, not a morning
+and evening "chore."</div>
+
+<p>Never refuse to kiss him&mdash;but sometimes keep him
+waiting a little while. Love thrives so much better
+on the stimulant of suspense than on the anaesthetic
+of memory.</p>
+
+<p>Never question him about his past love affairs. It
+is not the women he <i>has loved</i>, but those he <i>has
+not yet loved</i>, who will bother you.</p>
+
+<p>Never fling your old flames in his face. If you do
+he will soon cease to be jealous of the men you
+"might have married" and begin to <i>envy</i> them.</p>
+
+<p>Never accuse him of being less ardent than he was
+before he married you. Many a husband would
+never discover that he was no longer madly in love,
+if his wife did not keep constantly reminding him
+of it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Never chide him for the same fault more than once.</p>
+
+<p>A man can become so accustomed to the thought
+of his own faults that he will begin to cherish them
+as charming little "personal characteristics."</p>
+
+<p>Never refer to your own defects. A man always
+accepts a woman at her own valuation; and he
+doesn't prize anything that advertises herself as a
+"second."</p>
+
+<p>Never laugh at him. Woman is supposed to be the
+only human joke and man the only laughing animal&mdash;except
+the hyena.</p>
+
+<p>Never <i>cry</i> before him. A woman's tears soon wash
+all the color out of a man's love; after the third
+deluge they have no power to move him&mdash;except to
+move him out of the house.</p>
+
+<p>Never threaten him, scold him nor argue with him.
+<i>Act!</i> A woman's arguments affect a man as water
+does a cat. He simply waits for them to dry up&mdash;and
+then he goes out and does as he pleases.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Never doubt his word&mdash;even when you <i>know</i> he is
+<i>lying</i>. A husband is like religion: to give you any
+real comfort, he must be taken with blind faith.</p>
+
+<p>Never put him on a leash. The dog or the husband
+that has to be tied is always the one that eventually
+has to be advertised in the "lost" columns.</p>
+
+<p>Never forget that marriage should be a privilege,
+not a prison; home a refectory, not a reformatory;
+and wives jolliers, and not jailers.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div><h2>SYNCOPATIONS</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>A &nbsp;"SOUL-MATE" is seldom the siren who
+manages to drive a man to distraction, but
+just the sympathetic little thing who always
+happens to come along when he is <i>looking for
+distraction</i>.</div>
+
+<p>Hanging on a man's word may flatter him, but
+hanging on his neck merely frightens him.</p>
+
+<p>Every gay dog has his day&mdash;after.</p>
+
+<p>One may be loved forever! It is the vain desire to
+go on being a "heart-breaker" after one's flirting
+days are over that constitutes the real tragedy of
+age.</p>
+
+<p>A man regards a woman's love first as an unattainable
+dream, then as a boon, then as a blessing, then
+as a right, then as a matter-of-course&mdash;and, last, as
+a punishment.</p>
+
+<p>A man's idea of "preserving the unities" is to find
+out what side of an argument his wife is on, and
+then take the other side, in order to keep it from
+sagging.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>After a bachelor's heart has been patched up, cut
+down and remodeled to fit the romantic ideal of one
+girl after another, there is seldom enough of it left
+to go all the way around the honeymoon.</p>
+
+<p>There is no question of degree in matrimony. You
+can be a little bit in love or a little bit ill; but you
+can't be a little bit married or a little bit dead.</p>
+
+<p>Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover,
+an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature
+in a married man.</p>
+
+<p>If your husband is wrapped up in his work from
+9 A.M. to 6 P.M. you needn't bother to investigate
+his morals. Satan wouldn't waste his talents trying
+to tempt a man with so little time and energy for
+the devil's business.</p>
+
+<p>You can't argue, frighten or nag a man into loving
+you just because he "ought to"&mdash;because, dearie,
+love is not exactly a man's feeling for a thought-censor,
+a creditor or a critic-on-the-hearth.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>There are more ways of killing a man's love than
+by strangling it to death&mdash;but that's the usual way.</p>
+
+<p>In matters of the heart most men are still in a state
+of barbarism, slightly tempered by woman.</p>
+
+<p>A man is never old until his spirit is worn out, his
+rosy hopes have turned gray, his illusions have
+faded and he has wrinkles on his heart.</p>
+
+<p>An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his
+pockets full of money, his digestion in good condition
+and his wife in the country.</p>
+
+<p>Every time a man hits a woman's vanity he makes
+a dent in her love.</p>
+
+<p>A man's first lie wounds a woman's heart, the second
+breaks it, the third mends it, and all the rest
+simply harden it.</p>
+
+<p>Dissimulation is the price of peace&mdash;but it's awfully
+hard for a married woman to preserve the peace by
+deceiving her husband into thinking that he is deceiving
+her, every time he tries.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Of course men are not so suspicious as women. A
+woman in love would be jealous of a store dummy;
+but how can a man possibly suspect that any girl
+on whom he may bestow himself could ever think
+of anybody else?</p>
+
+<p>A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman
+interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him&mdash;but
+the considerate woman <i>gets</i> him.</p>
+
+<p>There never was a man too nearsighted to see the
+look of admiration in a pretty woman's eyes.</p>
+
+<p>WIFE: The woman from whom a man failed to
+escape and to whom he complacently refers as "the
+little woman <i>I married</i>."</p>
+
+<p>MARRIAGE: The intermission between the wedding
+and the divorce.</p>
+
+<p>WEDDING: The point at which a man stops
+toasting a woman and begins roasting her.</p>
+
+<p>Most girls, nowadays, would give a lot for a few
+solid vows, a few unshrinkable signs of devotion and
+a really convincing kiss.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It isn't a husband's disinclination to listen to his
+wife's conversation, but that "I-am-ready-to-bear-with-you"
+expression with which he does it that
+grates on her nerves so.</p>
+
+<p>The average man has so much heart that he apparently
+thinks it a pity to waste it all on one
+woman.</p>
+
+<p>Alas! Why is it that when your cup of happiness
+is full <i>somebody</i> always jogs your elbow!</p>
+
+<p>Never judge a man's love by the ardor of his first
+kiss, nor by the tenderness of his second, but by
+the eagerness with which he seeks the third.</p>
+
+<p>When it comes to making love, a girl can always
+listen so much faster than a man can talk.</p>
+
+<p>If nothing but their heart-strings became entangled,
+people would not find the marriage tie so binding;
+it is a man's purse-strings and a woman's apron-strings
+that really form the Gordian knot.</p>
+
+<p>In love, a man loses first his head, then his vanity,
+then his poise&mdash;and, last of all, his heart.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It is much more comfortable to be considered a
+"little devil" and get a credit mark every time you
+do anything right, than to be considered an "angel"
+and get a black mark every time you do anything
+human.</p>
+
+<p>Love is a game at which a woman must play
+against stacked cards, and without the slightest
+inkling of the trump.</p>
+
+<p>A woman's last resort is henna&mdash;a man's Gehenna.</p>
+
+<p>To a woman marriage is the beginning of life; to
+a man it is the end of "liberty and the pursuit of
+happiness."</p>
+
+<p>Perfect wife: That which a married man always
+fancies he might have gotten if he had kept on
+experimenting a little longer.</p>
+
+<p>Why is it that, no matter how much a man thinks
+of one girl, he can't help thinking of a lot of others
+at the same time?</p>
+
+<p>Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be
+satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand
+new place.</p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='quote2'>
+IT IS QUITE CORRECT
+TO SEND YOUR FORMER
+HUSBAND A GIFT ON
+THE ANNIVERSARY OF
+YOUR DIVORCE, IN REMEMBRANCE
+OF "THE
+MANY HAPPY DAYS
+WHICH YOU HAVE
+SPENT&mdash;APART"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<img src="images/decoration2.png" width="95" height="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" />
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 347px;">
+<img src="images/illus-5.jpg" width="347" height="500" alt="In remembrance." title="" />
+<span class="caption">In remembrance.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div><h2>DIVORCES</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>LOVE, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce,
+the inquest.</div>
+
+<p>Most marriages, nowadays, seem built for speed
+rather than for endurance.</p>
+
+<p>A divorc&eacute;e is one who has graduated from the <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Corespondence'">Correspondence</ins>
+School of Experience.</p>
+
+<p>Marriage, according to the merry Widow-reno, is
+a "perfectly lovely experience to have <i>had!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Grass Widow: The angel whom a man loved, the
+human being he married, and the devil he divorced.</p>
+
+<p>Most actresses are married&mdash;now and then; most
+literary women&mdash;off and on; most society women&mdash;from
+time to time.</p>
+
+<div class='poem2'>
+In olden days, the lover cried, in burning words and brave,<br />
+"Oh darling, be my Queen, my Bride&mdash;and let me be your slave!"<br />
+But nowadays, he murmurs, over cigarette and tea,<br />
+"Say, when you get your <i>next</i> divorce, will you (puff) marry me?"<br />
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When a woman obtains her second divorce, one
+hardly knows whether to class her as a good loser,
+a bad chooser, or just a "poor sport."</p>
+
+<p>Why is it that when a man hears that a woman has
+had a "past," he is always so anxious to brighten
+up her present?</p>
+
+<p>Many a woman's sole reason for getting a divorce
+is because she is tired of holding onto heaven with
+one hand and onto a man with the other.</p>
+
+<p>When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't
+a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
+but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.</p>
+
+<p>That "just-after-the-divorce" feeling is not the exhilarating
+thing many people imagine it. It is more
+like the mingled sensation of pain and relief that
+comes the moment after you have removed a tight
+slipper and before the ache has subsided.</p>
+
+<p>Divorce is the Great Divide, over which most men
+expect to pass into the Happy Hunting Grounds.</p>
+
+<p>Reno! The land of the free and the grave of the
+home!</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<h2>THIRD INTERLUDE</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>IN the abstract a man admires nobility and intelligence
+in a woman; but in the concrete he
+always prefers a bird of Paradise to a wren, a
+decoration to an inspiration and incense to common
+sense.</div>
+
+<p>"Intuition" is what a man calls a girl's ability to
+see through him, before marriage; "suspicion" is
+what he calls it, after marriage.</p>
+
+<p>Satan, himself, could no doubt make any woman
+love him, if he took the trouble to convince her
+that it was "her beauty that drove him to Hades."</p>
+
+<p>Of course, polygamy is dreadful; but, at least, an
+Oriental wife can come within four or five guesses of
+knowing where her husband spends his evenings.</p>
+
+<p>Take care of a woman's vanity&mdash;and her love will
+take care of itself.</p>
+
+<p>Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam the
+apple, woman's punishment has been to have to
+supply a man with food and then suffer the consequences
+when it disagrees with him.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The wings of love are not clipped by marriage;
+they merely <i>molt</i> for lack of exercise.</p>
+
+<p>All love is 99.44 per cent pure: pure imagination,
+pure vanity, pure curiosity, pure folly or whatever
+else it happens to be.</p>
+
+<p>Don't waste your tears on the girls a heart-breaker
+<i>should</i> have married and didn't; save them for the
+girl he <i>will</i> marry and <i>shouldn't</i>.</p>
+
+<p>It requires a little moisture to make a postage
+stamp stick and a little cold water of indifference
+to make a sweetheart stick.</p>
+
+<p>There are only two kinds of perfectly faultless men&mdash;the
+dead and the deadly.</p>
+
+<p>In order to see a man in his most interesting colors
+a woman always has to scrape off a lot of unnecessary
+whitewashing.</p>
+
+<p>Marriage is a discord that turns "Love's Old Sweet
+Song" from a eulogy into an elegy.</p>
+
+<p>The height of the average girl's ambition is just
+about six feet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>You can always cure a man of love-sickness with
+"mental suggestion" merely by suggesting to him
+that the girl is trying to marry him.</p>
+
+<p>Marriage is the operation by which a woman's
+vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without
+an anaesthetic.</p>
+
+<p>Jealousy is the false alarm that wakes us up from
+love's young dream.</p>
+
+<p>The most successful men are not those who have
+been inspired by a wise woman's love, but those
+who have perspired in order to gratify a foolish
+woman's whims.</p>
+
+<p>It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing
+than to keep one lover after he has stopped guessing.</p>
+
+<p>A man's soul lies so close to his digestion that when
+he looks blue and downhearted, a woman never
+knows whether to offer him a kiss, a meal, a dose
+of philosophy or a dyspepsia tablet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A woman is so complex that she can prove to a
+man by every possible convincing argument that
+she feels nothing but platonic friendship for him,
+at the same time that she is thinking how she would
+like to run her fingers through his hair.</p>
+
+<p>One reason why a man's life is so much fuller than
+a woman's is because he spends nearly three-quarters
+of it in hunting up things for a woman to do.</p>
+
+<p>Oh yes, a woman always looks up to a brave, strong
+man whom she can respect&mdash;and then nine times
+out of ten, goes and marries some pallid weakling
+whom she can "mother."</p>
+
+<p>A man spends his boyhood struggling against an
+education, his youth struggling against matrimony
+and his middle-age struggling against embonpoint;
+but sooner or later he succumbs to all of them.</p>
+
+<p>No man wants an "equal" but an angel. If Satan
+himself should decide to marry he wouldn't go
+around looking for a congenial little Satanette, but
+for a paragon who had a pull with St. Peter.</p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<div class='quote3'>HALF A LOVE
+IS BETTER
+THAN NONE
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 346px;">
+<img src="images/illus-6.jpg" width="346" height="500" alt="Half a love . . ." title="" />
+<span class="caption">Half a love . . .</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div><h2>WIDOWS</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>A &nbsp;WIDOW is a fascinating being with the
+flavor of maturity, the spice of experience,
+the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced
+coquetry, and the halo of one man's approval.</div>
+
+<p>Second mourning is that interesting period, at which
+a widow continues to weep with one eye while she
+begins to flirt with the other.</p>
+
+<p>When a widow comes in at the door, a debutante's
+chances fly out of the window.</p>
+
+<p>No matter how many wrinkles a widow may have
+in her face, she always has enough at her fingertips
+to offset them.</p>
+
+<p>Even a dead husband gives a widow some advantage
+over a spinster; the very debts her husband
+left afford her something to boast about to the
+unmarried woman who has only her own board
+bills to pay.</p>
+
+<p>A girl takes a man for better or for worse&mdash;but
+a widow merely takes him for granted.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Girls are the milk and honey which sweeten a man's
+life; widows, the caviare and wine which relieve its
+flatness and give it spice and piquancy.</p>
+
+<p>A girl knows exactly what kind of man she wants
+to marry; but a widow knows all the kinds she
+<i>doesn't</i> want to marry, and usually makes a safe
+selection by the wise process of elimination.</p>
+
+<p>A widow's chief consolation in remarrying is probably
+that she finds it less exhausting to sit up and
+wait for one man to come home evenings, than to
+sit up and wait for a lot of them to go home.</p>
+
+<p>Widows have all the honor and glory without any
+of the trials of matrimony; a live husband may be
+a necessity, but a dead one is a luxury.</p>
+
+<p>Matrimony is the price of love&mdash;widowhood, the
+rebate.</p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div><h2>IMPROVISATIONS</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>SPRING flowers are like spring love, so sweet
+and tender, but doomed to fade quickly; it's in
+the autumn of life, or of the year, that we
+get the hardy variety of either.</div>
+
+<p>A man may honestly admire a superior woman;
+but when it comes to marrying, he usually looks
+about for something far enough beneath him to
+enjoy being ordered about and patted on the head.</p>
+
+<p>A girl's heart is like her dressing-table&mdash;crowded
+with tenderly cherished little souvenirs of love; a
+man's, like his pipe, is carefully cleaned and
+emptied after each flame has gone out.</p>
+
+<p>A man doesn't ask a girl to "name the day" any
+more; he merely pleads guilty to loving her and
+then closes his eyes while she passes sentence on
+him and decide when he shall begin "serving time."</p>
+
+<p>When a woman reforms she bleaches her conscience
+down to the roots as she does her hair; a man
+simply gives his a coat of whitewashing so that he
+will have a nice, clean space in which to begin all
+over again.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When a bachelor sniffs through his letters before
+opening them in the morning, it is not a sign that
+he is looking for dynamite, but that he is looking
+for a note bearing a brand of sachet which he has
+mistaken for some girl's "sweet personality."</p>
+
+<p>At the awakening from love's young dream the
+woman's first thought is, "How can I break his
+heart?" The man's, "How can I break away?"</p>
+
+<p>A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman
+through her imagination, and then they both speak
+of it as an affair of "the heart."</p>
+
+<p>No, Clarice, a man's idea of being loved isn't
+exactly being followed around with a hot water
+bottle, a box of pills and the eternal question: "Do
+you love me as much as ever?"</p>
+
+<p>One grass widow doesn't make a summer resort&mdash;but
+she can always make it interesting.</p>
+
+<p>When a man has baggy trousers nowadays it is
+from falling on his knees to an automobile&mdash;not to
+a girl.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A black lie always shows up against the dazzling
+background of truth; it's all the little white ones
+a man keeps telling you that can't be spotted or
+distinguished from the rest of his conversation.</p>
+
+<p>The only time when a sense of humor profits a
+woman anything is when she can laugh at herself
+for having tried to charm a man by dazzling him
+with it.</p>
+
+<p>Most men fall in love with a sudden jolt, and wake
+up to find that they are married to an "impulse."</p>
+
+<p>It's a lame love that has to be carried through the
+honeymoon in a three-thousand-dollar touring car.</p>
+
+<p>In the mathematics of a bachelor one kiss makes
+a flirtation, two kisses make one conquest, three
+kisses make a love-affair and four kisses make one
+tired.</p>
+
+<p>There are "chain-smokers" who light one cigarette
+from the dying end of another&mdash;and there are also
+"chain lovers" who light one flame from the dying
+embers of another.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Eve had one advantage over all the rest of her sex.
+In his wildest moments of rage Adam never could
+accuse her of being "just like her <i>mother!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Every woman has a different notion of an ideal
+husband; but every woman's ideal lover is the same
+impossible combination of saint and devil, brute
+and baby, hero and mollycoddle, that never is seen
+anywhere off the stage or outside the pages of a
+"best thriller."</p>
+
+<p>Love is a voyage of discovery, marriage the goal&mdash;and
+divorce the relief expedition.</p>
+
+<p>A man never can comprehend why a woman can't
+understand how he can be dead in love with one
+girl and acutely alive to the charms of a lot of
+others at the same time.</p>
+
+<p>Jealousy is the tie that binds&mdash;and binds&mdash;and
+binds.</p>
+
+<p>It is not the fear of being shipwrecked that keeps
+a bachelor from embarking on the sea of matrimony;
+it is the awful horror of being becalmed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Nowadays most women grow old gracefully; most
+men, disgracefully.</p>
+
+<p>A man can forgive a woman for having made a fool
+of herself over any man on earth&mdash;except himself.</p>
+
+<p>Eternity: The interval between the time when a
+woman discovers that a man is in love with her
+and the time when he finds it out himself and tells
+her about it.</p>
+
+<p>The follies which a man regrets the most, in his life,
+are those which he didn't commit when he had the
+opportunity.</p>
+
+<p>In the average man's opinion the command, "Thou
+shalt not steal," does not apply to a kiss, a heart,
+an umbrella, an hotel or an after-dinner story.</p>
+
+<p>To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the
+beginning; to a man, it is the beginning of the end.</p>
+
+<p>The qualities a man seeks in a bride no more resemble
+those he will want in a wife than a cabaret
+rag-ditty resembles a lullaby, but two years ahead
+is farther than any man can see when he is looking
+into a pretty girl's eyes.</p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='quote4'>
+YOU MAY GROOM, YOU MAY POLISH HIM UP AS YOU WILL,<br /></div>
+<div class='quote4'>BUT THE MARK OF THE "M&nbsp;A&nbsp;R&nbsp;R&nbsp;I&nbsp;E&nbsp;D&nbsp;&nbsp;M&nbsp;A&nbsp;N" CLINGS TO HIM STILL.<br />
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 355px;">
+<img src="images/illus-7.jpg" width="355" height="500" alt="You may polish him up . . ." title="" />
+<span class="caption">You may polish him up . . .</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div><h2>WIDOWERS</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>THE tenderest, most impressionable thing on
+earth is the heart of a yearling widower.</div>
+
+<p>Of course it is easier to marry a widower than a
+bachelor. A man who has been through the Armageddon
+of <i>one</i> marriage has no spirit of battle left
+in him.</p>
+
+<p>When a widow begins curling her hair, again, or
+a widower begins worrying about his thinness on
+top, Cupid chuckles and gets out his arrows and
+Satan smiles behind his hand.</p>
+
+<p>In the matrimonial market a seasoned bachelor is
+just a shop-worn remnant; a divorc&eacute; is a cast-off,
+second-hand article; but a widower is a treasured
+heirloom inherited only through death.</p>
+
+<p>After his wedding day, a man usually tucks all the
+flattering adjectives and tender nothings in his
+vocabulary away in a pigeon-hole and marks them
+"Not to be opened until widowerhood."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Perhaps there may not be so much excitement in
+marrying a widower; but there is a lot more comfort
+in getting something that another woman has
+broken to double harness than in lashing yourself
+to a bucking bronco fresh from the wild.</p>
+
+<p>No matter how unhappy a man may have been with
+his first wife nothing on earth will make him flatter
+her successor by acknowledging that she was not a
+combination of Circe, St. Cecilia and the Venus di
+Milo.</p>
+
+<p>The girl who marries a widower may be a sort of
+"second edition," but the girl who marries a seasoned
+bachelor is apt to be a forty-second edition.</p>
+
+<p>When a widower vows he will "never marry again,"
+listen for the wedding bells! The "Never-agains"
+are the easiest fruit in the Garden of Love. It's the
+"Never-at-alls!" who are harder than a newsboy's
+conscience, colder than yesterday's kiss, and less
+impressionable than a boarding-house steak.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>If a woman could foresee how irresistible her husband
+would look with a bereaved expression on his
+face and a black band on his coat sleeve, it would
+give her the strength to live forever.</p>
+
+<p>Some widowers <i>are</i> bereaved&mdash;others, relieved.</p>
+
+<p>A man may forget all about how to make love during
+ten years of matrimony, but it's wonderful how
+quickly he can brush up on the fine points again
+after he becomes a widower.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>FOURTH INTERLUDE</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>A MAN always looks at a woman through either
+the right or the wrong end of a telescope,
+and thus always sees her as a divinity or a
+devil&mdash;never as a human being.</div>
+
+<p>Business girl's motto: "Better marry and be a poor
+man's slave than stay single and be a rich man's
+stenographer."</p>
+
+<p>When a clever girl lets fly the arrows of wit she
+should be careful to see that a man's vanity is not
+the bull's eye.</p>
+
+<p>It is difficult for a man to reconcile a girl's absorbing
+interest in picture-hats, pearl powder, and
+Paquin models with real brains; but somehow his
+own enthusiasm for baseball and golf never seems
+to him incompatible with superior intelligence.</p>
+
+<p>Don't fancy your husband has ceased to love you
+merely because he no longer seems to notice your
+presence around the house; wait until he gets so
+that he doesn't even notice your absence.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A good husband is one who will get up and lift
+the ice off the dumbwaiter instead of lying back and
+lifting his voice to tell you how to do it without
+"hurting your itsy bitsy fingers."</p>
+
+<p>The shallower a man's love, the more it bubbles
+over into eloquence. When his emotions go deep,
+words stick in his throat, and have to be hauled
+out of him with a derrick.</p>
+
+<p>To be happy with a man you must understand him
+a lot and love him a little; to be happy with a
+woman you must love her a lot and not try to
+understand her at all.</p>
+
+<p>A man with <i>savoir faire</i> may scintillate in a crowd,
+but it takes a "bashful man" to shine in a dim cozy
+corner.</p>
+
+<p>Every bride fancies that she married the original
+"cave-man" until she tries to persuade him to go
+out and argue with the furniture-movers.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What a man calls his conscience in a love affair
+is merely a pain in his vanity, the moral ache that
+accompanies a headache, or the mental action that
+follows a sentimental reaction.</p>
+
+<p>It never pays to compromise! Cheap clothes, cheap
+literature, cheap sports, cheap flirtations&mdash;a life
+filled with these is nothing but an electric flash,
+advertising "something just as good."</p>
+
+<p>Just at first, every man seems to fancy that it takes
+nothing but brute force and determination to run
+an automobile or a wife; after the smash-up he
+changes his mind.</p>
+
+<p>Brains and beauty are an impossible combination
+in a woman&mdash;not necessarily impossible to <i>find</i>, but
+impossible to <i>live with</i>.</p>
+
+<p>When a woman looks at a man in evening dress,
+she sometimes can't help wondering why he wants
+to blazon his ancestry to the world by wearing a
+coat with a long tail to it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When a man says he loves you don't ask him
+"Why," because by the time he has found his reason
+he will undoubtedly have lost his enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>Pshaw! It is no more reasonable to expect a man
+to love you tomorrow because he loves you today,
+than it is to assume that the sun will be shining
+tomorrow because the weather is pleasant today.</p>
+
+<p>Sending a man a sentimental note, just after he has
+spent the evening with you, has about the same
+thrilling effect as offering him a sandwich, immediately
+after dinner.</p>
+
+<p>A "good woman," according to Mrs. Grundy, is one
+who would scorn to sacrifice society for the sake of
+a man but will cheerfully sacrifice the man she
+marries for the sake of society.</p>
+
+<p>The flower of a man's love is not an immortelle,
+but a morning-glory; which fades the moment the
+sun of a woman's smiles becomes too intense and
+glowing.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The sweetest part of a love affair is just before the
+confession when you begin discussing love in the
+abstract and gazing concretely into one another's
+eyes.</p>
+
+<p>Marriage is a photogravure made from the glowing
+illusions which Love has painted on the canvas of
+the heart.</p>
+
+<p>A woman may have to reach heaven before she
+tastes supernal joy; but to taste supreme punishment
+she has only to watch the love-mist die out
+of a man's eyes.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing frightens a man like a woman's stony
+silence. Somehow in spite of his lack of intuition,
+he has a subconscious premonition that her love is
+<i>dead</i> when she is too weary and disinterested to
+"<i>answer back</i>."</p>
+
+<p>The satisfaction in flattering a man consists in the
+fact that, whether you lay it on thick or thin, rough
+or smooth, a little of it is always bound to stick.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Love is a furnace in which the man builds the fire,
+and forever afterward expects the woman to keep
+it glowing, by supplying all the fuel.</p>
+
+<p>The gods must love summer flirtations&mdash;they die so
+young.</p>
+
+<p>A man may have heart enough to love more than
+one woman at a time, but unless he is a fatalist he
+should have brains enough not to try it.</p>
+
+<p>When love dies a wise married couple give its ashes
+a respectful burial, and hang a good photograph
+of it on the wall for the benefit of the public.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;">
+<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='quote2'>
+EVERY TIME A MAN
+FALLS IN LOVE HE
+FANCIES THAT HE HAS
+JUST DISCOVERED A
+BRAND NEW SENSATION;
+BUT, ALAS, IT ALWAYS
+TURNS OUT, LIKE THE
+HOTEL SOUP, TO BE
+JUST THE SAME OLD
+"STOCK" WITH A DIFFERENT
+FLAVORING</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 336px;">
+<img src="images/illus-7a.jpg" width="336" height="500" alt="A brand new sensation . . ." title="" />
+<span class="caption">A brand new sensation . . .</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div><h2>SECOND MARRIAGES</h2>
+
+<h3>HINTS ON HOW TO CONDUCT ENCORE<br />
+PERFORMANCES OF THE CEREMONY</h3>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>A &nbsp;BRIDE at her second wedding does not wear
+a veil. She wants to <i>see</i> what she is getting.</div>
+
+<p>Always send your former husband a notice of your
+marriage; true politeness consists in giving pleasure
+to others.</p>
+
+<p>If you meet your ex-husband's fianc&eacute;e, treat her
+with sympathetic courtesy. Remember that she is
+more to be pitied than scorned.</p>
+
+<p>If the bridegroom does not show up, marry the best
+man. After a few weeks you will not be able to
+notice the difference between them. Either will
+make you the same old excuses, tell you the same
+stories and give you the same "stock" kisses in the
+morning.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When your second husband begins to speak wistfully
+of your first husband, do not chide him; remember
+that misery loves company, and perhaps it
+is a comfort to him to think that some one else has
+been as foolish as he has.</p>
+
+<p>Never consider your wedding a settled thing until
+you have gotten the man to the altar. The primary
+rule for marrying is "First catch your husband!"</p>
+
+<p>Besides, there's many a slip 'twixt the license and
+the certificate&mdash;and you may let him slip.</p>
+
+<p>In selecting husbands, always consider that it is
+quality, not quantity, that counts.</p>
+
+<p>One or two marriages, like one or two drinks, may
+not have any visible effect upon you. But don't
+make it a custom.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A woman marries the first time, you know, for
+love, the second time for companionship, the third
+time for a support&mdash;and the rest of the time just
+from habit.</p>
+
+<p>When marrying a second time refrain from asking
+your friends what they think about it. Remember
+that they all think you are a fool.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div><h2>INTERMEZZO</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>A &nbsp;MAN'S kisses are first reverent, then rapturous,
+then tender, then casual, and last&mdash;charitable.</div>
+
+<p>The hardest thing in life is to discover the exact
+geographical location of a man's grouch&mdash;whether
+it is in his tooth, his vanity or his digestion, or is
+just a chronic condition of the whole system.</p>
+
+<p>Being in love is like a fascinating spin at will in an
+automobile; being married, like a trolley trip on
+rails, with somebody ringing the bell at you every
+few minutes.</p>
+
+<p>A woman's love is composed of maternal tenderness,
+childlike inconsistency, torturing jealousy and
+sublime unselfishness&mdash;and how is a man ever going
+to comprehend a mixture like that?</p>
+
+<p>Alas, why is it that the most popular and fascinating
+women are so often the last to marry, and then
+nearly always pluck either a broken stick from the
+tide of life or a brand from the burning?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all
+women can be fooled some of the time, but the same
+woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same
+way more than half of the time.</p>
+
+<p>A woman always wants her photograph to flatter
+her, but a man is perfectly satisfied if he gets one
+that looks as fascinating and impressive as he thinks
+he does.</p>
+
+<p>A jealous husband can put two and two together&mdash;and
+make fourteen.</p>
+
+<p>When a man hesitates to propose to a girl he is
+never quite sure whether it is the fear of being
+"turned down" or the fear of being "taken up"
+which paralyzes him.</p>
+
+<p>Spring is the time of the year when the eternal
+monotony of the daily grind gives a man brain-fag&mdash;and
+the eternal monotony of any one girl appears
+to give him heart-fag.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything
+she says to a man and takes a grain of salt with
+everything he says to her.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, a girl hates to wound a man; but sometimes,
+after a painful parting, it would seem so much
+more artistic if he would only <i>remain</i> "wounded"
+just a little longer.</p>
+
+<p>Making a man promise to drop a woman simply
+excites his sympathy for her, so that, before he has
+fairly cut the string, he is anxious to tie a knot in
+it again.</p>
+
+<p>The hardest task of a girl's life, nowadays, is to
+prove to a man that his intentions are serious.</p>
+
+<p>Love, without faith, illusions and trust, is&mdash;Lord
+forgive us&mdash;cinders, ashes and dust!</p>
+
+<p>A man who strays for love of a woman may sometimes
+be reclaimed; but the man who strays for
+love of amusement or love or novelty will never
+"stay put" for any girl.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Most girls, nowadays, would give almost as much
+for a little genuine sentiment and a really convincing
+kiss, as for a genuine "old master" and a really
+convincing novel.</p>
+
+<p>There are a hundred things that the cleverest man
+in the world never <i>can</i> understand&mdash;and ninety-nine
+of them are women.</p>
+
+<p>Many a man who is too tender-hearted to pour salt
+on an oyster will pour sarcasm all over his wife's
+vanity and then wonder why she always shrivels
+up in her shell at the sight of him.</p>
+
+<p>A grub may become a butterfly, but the man who
+marries a butterfly, expecting to turn her into a
+grub, should remember that nature never works that
+way.</p>
+
+<p>A married man's hardest cross is not to be able to
+brag to his wife about the women who "tried to
+flirt with him."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Plato has lured more men into matrimony than
+Cupid. A man can <i>see</i> an arrow coming and dodge
+it, but platonic friendship strikes him in the back.</p>
+
+<p>Many a man has started out to "string" a girl, and
+gotten so tangled up, that the string ended in a
+marriage tie.</p>
+
+<p>Habit is the cement which holds the links of matrimony
+together when the ties of romance have
+crumbled.</p>
+
+<p>He that telleth a secret unto a married man may
+prepare himself for a lot of free advertising; for,
+lo, the conjugal pillow is the root of all gossip.</p>
+
+<p>To make a man perfectly happy tell him he works
+too hard, that he spends too much money, that he
+is "misunderstood" or that he is "different;" none
+of this is necessarily complimentary, but it will
+flatter him infinitely more than merely telling him
+that he is brilliant, or noble, or wise, or good.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>After a woman has lain awake half the night in
+order to be able to call her husband in time to catch
+his train it's rather hard to be hated for it, just like
+an alarm clock.</p>
+
+<p>A man expects a woman to laugh at all his jokes,
+admire all his bon mots, agree with all his opinions,
+and be blind to all his faults&mdash;and then he scornfully
+wonders why women are so "hypocritical."</p>
+
+<p>A diamond and a lump of coal are merely two
+varieties of carbon; but they are as different as the
+two things which the right wife and the wrong wife
+can make of the same man.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes man proposes&mdash;and then keeps the girl
+waiting until the Lord kindly interposes.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;">
+<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='quote2'>A WOMAN
+FLEES FROM
+TEMPTATION,
+BUT A MAN
+JUST <i>CRAWLS</i>
+AWAY FROM IT
+IN THE CHEERFUL
+HOPE
+THAT IT MAY
+OVERTAKE HIM</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 344px;">
+<img src="images/illus-8.jpg" width="344" height="500" alt="A man just crawls away . . ." title="" />
+<span class="caption">A man just crawls away . . .</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div><h2>WOMAN&mdash;AND HER INFINITE VARIETY</h2>
+
+<h3>(A LEAF FROM ADAM'S DICTIONARY.)</h3>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>WOMAN&mdash;A divine creation for the comfort
+and amusement of mankind.</div>
+
+<p>RIB&mdash;That part of man's self of which he thinks
+the least and brags the most.</p>
+
+<p>WIFE (The Inferior Fraction)&mdash;The excuse for all
+a man's sins, the cause of all his failings, the keeper
+of his conscience, the guardian of his digestion, and
+the repository of his grouches.</p>
+
+<p>BETTER-HALF&mdash;The half that is always left at
+home.</p>
+
+<p>COQUETTE&mdash;Any woman who is so unreasonable
+as not to return a man's affections.</p>
+
+<p>FLIRT&mdash;Any woman, over whom a man has insisted
+on making a fool of himself.</p>
+
+<p>OLD MAID&mdash;An unmarried woman with more
+wrinkles than money.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>BACHELOR GIRL&mdash;An unmarried woman with
+more money than wrinkles.</p>
+
+<p>KITTEN&mdash;Any woman under sixty for whom a
+man feels a temporary tenderness.</p>
+
+<p>QUEEN&mdash;A pretty woman whom a man has not
+yet kissed.</p>
+
+<p>"IDEAL"&mdash;The particular woman, to whom a man
+happens to be making love.</p>
+
+<p>CLINGING VINE&mdash;A woman who allows her husband
+to think that he is having his own way.</p>
+
+<p>HELPMATE&mdash;A combination of playmate, soul-mate,
+and light-running domestic.</p>
+
+<p>GODDESS&mdash;An impossible woman, who exists
+only in novels and in a man's imagination.</p>
+
+<p>PARAGON&mdash;The kind of woman a man ought to
+marry, wants to marry, intends to marry&mdash;and never
+does.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span></p>
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='quote2'>
+PESSIMISM IS A MAN'S
+NATURAL REACTION
+AFTER TOO MUCH
+OF ANYTHING&mdash;WINE,
+LOVE, FOOD, FLIRTATION
+OR OPTIMISM
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div>
+<h2>MAXIMS OF CLEOPATRA</h2>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br />1</div>
+
+<div class='poem2'><div class='cap'>
+THESE three things Man feareth: Oysters out of season,<br />
+A Babe that plays with fire, and a Woman who can <i>reason!</i><br />
+</div></div>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br />2</div>
+
+<div class='poem2'>
+Last year's sandals and yesterday's fish,<br />
+Last night's kisses and last week's wish<br />
+Are, to a Man, things gone and past;<br />
+Likewise <i>the woman before the last!</i><br />
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br />3</div>
+
+<div class='poem2'>
+The soul of a man is white&mdash;or black, or yellow, or dun;<br />
+But a woman's soul is a rainbow and a Roman sash in one.<br />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br />4</div>
+
+<div class='poem2'>
+Empty the words of the prayer, when the Pharisee prayeth aloud;<br />
+Empty the words of love, when he praiseth thee in a crowd.<br />
+Yet, he that is cold in the crowd, but seeketh thine ear when alone,<br />
+In the land of the Great God Isis by the name of "Cad" shall be known.<br />
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br />5</div>
+
+<div class='poem2'>
+As the pearl that I dropped in the glass can never again be mine,<br />
+So many a pearl of woman's love hath a man dissolved&mdash;in wine.<br />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br />6</div>
+
+<div class='poem2'>
+Geese walk not alone; sheep will follow sheep;<br />
+So this little maxim I would have ye keep:<br />
+Would ye conquer <i>all</i> men, make a fool of <i>one</i>&mdash;<br />
+The rest will turn toward thee, as lilies to the sun.<br />
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br />7</div>
+
+<div class='poem2'>
+The young man calleth for wine, the old for crystal water.<br />
+Seek not to enslave a <i>boy</i> till thou art thirty, Daughter.<br />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br />8</div>
+
+<div class='poem2'>
+When the game is over, vain the loser's sigh.<br />
+To thy parting lover, wave a gay good-by!<br />
+'Neath the storm-cloud bending, see the lily laugh.<br />
+If Love's reign be ending&mdash;write his epitaph!<br />
+Deck his grave with iris; blot away his name.<br />
+Isis and Osiris, make thy Daughter <i>game!</i><br />
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br />9</div>
+
+<div class='poem2'>
+Flatter him boldly, Daughter, be he old or wise or callow;<br />
+For there is no meed of flattery that a man will fail to swallow.<br />
+Yet, after a time, desist; lest perchance, in his vanity,<br />
+He wonder why such a demi-god should stoop to a worm like thee!<br />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class='center'><br />10</div>
+
+<div class='poem2'>
+Call the bald man, "Boy;" make the sage thy toy;<br />
+Greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace.<br /><br />
+</div>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<div class='quote2'>
+WHERE IS THE SWEET,
+OLD-FASHIONED WIFE
+WHO USED TO GET UP
+AT 6 O'CLOCK IN THE
+MORNING AND COOK
+HER HUSBAND'S
+BREAKFAST? GONE,
+GONE, ALAS, WITH
+THE SWEET OLD-FASHIONED
+HUSBAND
+WHO USED TO COME
+HOME AT 6 O'CLOCK
+IN THE EVENING AND
+<i>STAY THERE</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<img src="images/decoration2.png" width="95" height="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" />
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td>
+</tr></table></div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" />
+</div><h2>FINALE</h2>
+
+
+<div class='cap'>ALL the love routes lead to a kiss&mdash;but some
+men make love with the directness of an
+express train, some as haltingly as a local
+and some with the charm, smoothness and variation
+of a "special."</div>
+
+<p>When a man complains of the girls who "pursue"
+him, don't forget that the mark of a real "girl-charmer"
+is his dead silence concerning all women
+except the one to whom he happens to be talking.</p>
+
+<p>A man's idea of displaying "resolution" appears to
+be first to find out what a woman wants him to do,
+and then to proceed "resolutely" not to do it.</p>
+
+<p>Presence of mind in love making is a sure sign of
+absence of heart; no man begins to be serious until
+he begins to be foolish.</p>
+
+<p>The girl a man marries is never the one he ought
+to marry or intended to marry, but just some "innocent
+bystander" who happened to be in the way at
+the psychological moment.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A woman's heart is like a frame, which holds only
+one picture at a time; a man's is more like a cinemetograph.</p>
+
+<p>A man's love is not actually dead until he begins
+subconsciously to think of his wife as the person
+who makes him wear his rubbers, mow the lawn,
+put up the fly-screens, and explain where he has
+been all Saturday afternoon.</p>
+
+<p>The average man is so busy backing away from the
+girls he ought to marry that he usually backs right
+into the arms of the one woman under Heaven
+that he <i>ought not</i> to marry.</p>
+
+<p>A man is like a motor-car which always balks on
+the trolley-tracks and runs at top speed down hill;
+a wife is the human brake that prevents him from
+going to destruction.</p>
+
+<p>When a girl refuses a man his greatest emotion is
+not disappointment, but astonishment that she
+should be so blind to her own luck.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Nothing bores a man so much as for a woman to
+give him <i>all</i> her love&mdash;when he wanted only a
+<i>little</i> of it.</p>
+
+<p>Solomon was the only man who ever had six hundred
+and ninety-nine alibis when one of his wives
+detected the fragrance of another woman's sachet
+on his coat lapel.</p>
+
+<p>Every man "rocks the boat" of happiness at least
+once during a love affair&mdash;usually by trying to leap
+out of it before it lands in the port of Matrimony.
+All a man needs in order to win any woman is a
+little audacity, a little mendacity and plenty of pertinacity.</p>
+
+<p>The only chain that can bind love is an endless
+chain of compliments.</p>
+
+<p>When a woman doesn't marry it is usually because
+she has never met the man with whom she could
+be perfectly happy; but when a man remains single
+it is usually because he has never met the woman
+<i>without</i> whom he could <i>not</i> be perfectly happy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Most men expect to "reform" between the last dose
+of medicine and the last breath.</p>
+
+<p>Speaking of the modern advance in the "arts and
+crafts" it requires more art to get a husband and
+more craft to keep one nowadays, than it ever did.</p>
+
+<p>A frank man may be the noblest work of God, but
+he is as much of a nuisance in feminine society as
+a woman on a fishing trip.</p>
+
+<p>There is always a chance that a man may escape
+from the bonds of matrimony; but an old bachelor
+is wedded by all the bonds of nature to a collection
+of habits from which nothing but death can divorce
+him.</p>
+
+<p>By the time he marries, a bachelor's heart has been
+pressed, cleaned and mended so often that it will
+barely hold together through the honeymoon.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It seems so unreasonable of man to expect a woman
+to think straight, walk straight, or talk straight,
+considering that she was made from his rib&mdash;the
+crookedest bone in his body.</p>
+
+<p>Motto for a married man's den: "Others love your
+wife, why not <i>you?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>A man's idea of being perfectly loyal to a woman
+is to "think of her always"&mdash;even when he is kissing
+another woman.</p>
+
+<p>Love is just a glittering illusion with which we gild
+the hard, cold facts of life&mdash;until all the world seems
+bright and shining!</p>
+
+<p>Most men are so busy dodging one love affair that
+they step right back under the wheels of another,
+and are fatally mangled.</p>
+
+<p>A brave man is always ready to "face the music"&mdash;provided
+it isn't that old tune from Lohengrin.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>If married couples would show as much respect
+for one another's personal liberty, habits and preferences
+as they do for one another's toothbrushes,
+love's young dream would not so often turn into a
+nightmare. It is the Siamese twin existence they
+impose on themselves that drives them to distraction
+or destruction.</p>
+
+<p>A man kills time with a golf stick; a woman with
+a lip-stick.</p>
+
+<p>It is foolish to fancy that a man is thinking of proposing
+to you; a man never proposes to any woman,
+until he has gotten past "thinking."</p>
+
+<p>If a man would employ a little more commonsense
+before marriage and a little more <i>incense</i> afterwards,
+matrimony would be more of an inspiration
+and less of a visitation.</p>
+
+<p>Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too
+near.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The man who takes a kiss "for granted" doesn't
+stand a chance beside the man who takes it before
+it is granted.</p>
+
+<p>Husband: A miniature volcano, constantly smoking,
+usually grumbling, and always liable to violent
+and unexpected eruptions.</p>
+
+<p>On the journey of matrimony, there are no garages
+where punctured illusions can be patched up, shattered
+ideals mended, and empty hearts refilled.</p>
+
+<p>Of course a man is not as jealous as a woman&mdash;because
+it's so hard for him to believe that a girl
+on whom he bestows himself could possibly wish
+for anything better.</p>
+
+<p>The making of a husband out of a mere man is not
+a sinecure; it's one of the highest plastic arts known
+to civilization.</p>
+
+<p>Before marriage a woman says sweetly, "I understand
+you!" After marriage she says coldly, "I see
+through you!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='poem'>
+Oh, what is so stupid as last year's song,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So foolish as last year's fashion,</span><br />
+So completely forgotten as last year's girl,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And so dead as a last year's passion?</span><br />
+</div>
+
+
+<h3>CURTAIN</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;">
+<img src="images/illus-9.jpg" width="250" height="260" alt="bird" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" />
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span></p>
+<h2>OTHER BOOKS BY HELEN ROWLAND</h2>
+
+
+<h3>THE SAYINGS OF MRS. SOLOMON</h3>
+
+<p>Being the confessions of the 700th wife. A
+book that is much appreciated and is destined to
+entertain Helen Rowland's fast growing audience
+for years to come.</p>
+
+<p>"Yet whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it
+all the days of his life."</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+From the Sayings of Mrs. Solomon<br />
+</div>
+
+
+<h3><br />REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL</h3>
+
+<p>Clever, cynical and witty, with a philosophical
+trend that will entertain men and woman alike&mdash;the
+older ones&mdash;the younger ones. Read this
+book for a mirror likeness to yourself.</p>
+
+<p>Border decorations in color size 5 &times; 7<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>2</sub></small>.</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+A Laugh on Every Page<br />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span></p>
+<h3><br />THE WIDOW (TO SAY NOTHING OF
+THE MAN)</h3>
+
+<p>Here is a little book of delightful love stories,
+brimful of clever, witty epigrams. The Widow
+is&mdash;well, say that she is lovable&mdash;only more so;
+and the Man&mdash;read, know and love both.</p>
+
+<p>Illustrated bound in boards 4<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>2</sub></small> &times; 7<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>4</sub></small>.</p>
+
+
+<h3><br />RUBAIYAT OF A BACHELOR</h3>
+
+<p>An exceedingly clever parody both in verses
+and illustrations. Every yearning, timorous
+bachelor should read and ponder; so, too, each
+damsel, read and&mdash;"then, in your mercy, Friend,
+forbear to smile."</p>
+
+<p>Illustrations and border decorations by Harold
+Speakman, attractively bound in cloth with inlay
+in color size 5<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>4</sub></small> &times; 7<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>2</sub></small>.</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+A Laugh on Every Page<br />
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<div class='tnote'><h3>Transcriber's Notes:</h3>
+<p>Text uses both caveman and cave-man, commonsense and common-sense, goodby and good-by.</p>
+<p>Corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland
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+</pre>
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+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Guide to Men
+       Being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor Girl
+
+Author: Helen Rowland
+
+Release Date: December 8, 2009 [EBook #30630]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A GUIDE TO MEN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Emmy, Tor Martin Kristiansen and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+          THE MATERIAL FOR
+          THIS BOOK WAS COLLECTED
+          DIRECTLY
+          FROM NATURE AT
+          GREAT PERSONAL RISK
+          BY THE AUTHOR
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+A GUIDE TO MEN
+
+
+          A BACHELOR'S LIFE
+          IS ONE LONG
+          SOLO--USUALLY
+          A HYMN OF
+          THANKSGIVING
+
+
+
+
+A GUIDE TO MEN
+
+          BEING ENCORE
+          REFLECTIONS OF A
+          BACHELOR GIRL
+
+          _by_
+          HELEN
+          ROWLAND
+
+          [Illustration]
+
+          PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK BY
+          DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+          COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY DODGE
+          PUBLISHING COMPANY, NEW YORK
+
+
+
+          To
+          FANNIE HURST
+
+Who has discovered the secret of how to be happy, though wedded to an
+art and to a man at the same time.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+          Foreword _by_ Fannie Hurst     13
+
+          Overture                       17
+
+              _Prelude_                  19
+
+              _Refrain_                  21
+
+          Bachelors                      23
+
+              _First Interlude_          27
+
+          True Love--How to know it      35
+
+              _Variations_               38
+
+          Blondes                        42
+
+              _Cymbals & Kettle-drums_   44
+
+          What Every Woman Wonders       50
+
+              _Second Interlude_         58
+
+          Brides                         63
+
+              _Syncopations_             66
+
+          Divorces                       73
+
+              _Third Interlude_          75
+
+          Widows                         81
+
+              _Improvisations_           83
+
+          Widowers                       89
+
+              _Fourth Interlude_         92
+
+          Second Marriages               99
+
+              _Intermezzo_              102
+
+          Woman & Her Infinite Variety  109
+
+          Maxims of Cleopatra           112
+
+              _Finale_                  118
+
+          Curtain                       125
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+          . . . and interrupts him.           23
+
+          Places him on a pedestal . . .      35
+
+          Married to a human being . . .      63
+
+          In remembrance.                     73
+
+          Half a love . . .                   81
+
+          You may polish him up . . .         89
+
+          A brand new sensation . . .         99
+
+          A man just crawls away . . .       109
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FOREWORD
+
+
+A SMALL phial, I doubt not, could contain the attar of the epigrammatic
+literature of all time. Few of the perfumes of this diminutive form of
+wit and satire have survived. Pretty and scented vaporings, most of the
+thousands and thousands of them, that have died on the air of the
+foibles of their day.
+
+Yet how the pungent ones can persist! The racy old odors, which are as
+new as _now_, that still hover about the political and amorous quips of
+the Greeks. The nose-crinkling ones of the French, more vinegar-acrid
+than perfumed, although a seventeenth-century proverb calls France "a
+monarchy tempered by epigrams." The didactic Teutonic ones, sharply
+corrosive.
+
+The greatest evaporative of course of this form of _bon mot_ is mere
+cleverness. Wit is the attar which endures. The wit of Pope and
+Catullus, Landor, Voltaire, Rousseau and Wilde.
+
+That is what Rapin must have had in mind when he said that a man ought
+to be content if he succeeded in writing one really good epigram.
+
+Helen Rowland stands pleasantly impeached for writing many. She has a
+whizz to her swiftly cynical arrow that entitles her to a place in the
+tournament.
+
+She is not merely anagrammatical, scorns the couplet for the mere sake
+of the couplet, and has little time for the smiting word at any price.
+
+In the entire history of epigrammatic expression there are few if any
+whose fame rests solely upon the brittle structure of the _bon mot_.
+Martial, about whose brilliant brevities can scarcely be said to hover
+the odor of sanctity, is, I suppose, remembered solely as a wielder of
+the barbed word.
+
+Miss Rowland is balanced skilfully upon that same slender trapeze, doing
+a very deft bow-and-arrow act, her archery of a high order.
+
+She wields a wicked bow, a kindly bow, a swift, a sure, a ductile bow.
+
+Matrimony is her favorite target (so was it Bombo's and Herrick's and
+even political Parnell had his shot at it) and her little winged arrows
+are often bitingly pointed with philosophy, satire, wit and sometimes
+just a touch of good old home-brew American hokum.
+
+For this wise woman with the high-spirited bow behind her arrow, these
+little pages speak eloquently.
+
+                                                   FANNIE HURST.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+OVERTURE
+
+
+          Would you your sweetheart's secret seek to spell?
+              There are so many little ways to tell!
+          A hair, perhaps, shall prove him false or true--
+              A single hair upon his coat lapel!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+PRELUDE
+
+
+THE sweetest part of a kiss is the moment just before taking.
+
+Love is misery--sweetened with imagination, salted with tears, spiced
+with doubt, flavored with novelty, and swallowed with your eyes shut.
+
+Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a
+duty, and a lie from a luxury into a necessity.
+
+A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been
+extracted.
+
+A man's heart is like a barber shop in which the cry is always, "NEXT!"
+
+The discovery of rice-powder on his coat-lapel makes a college-boy
+swagger, a bachelor blush, and a married man tremble.
+
+It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son--and another
+woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
+
+By the time a man has discovered that he is in love with a woman, she is
+usually so fagged out waiting for the phenomenon, that she is ready to
+topple right over into his arms from sheer exhaustion.
+
+A man always asks for "just one kiss"--because he knows that, if he can
+get that, the rest will come without asking.
+
+Somehow, the moment a man has surrendered the key of his heart to a
+woman, he begins to think about changing the lock.
+
+There are only two ages, at which a man faces the altar without a
+shudder; at twenty when he doesn't know what's happening to him--and at
+eighty when he doesn't care.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+THE REFRAIN
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          THERE'S so much saint in the worst of them,
+              And so much devil in the best of them,
+          That a woman who's married to one of them,
+              Has nothing to learn of the rest of them.
+
+          SOMEHOW, JUST AT
+          THE PSYCHOLOGICAL
+          MOMENT WHEN A
+          BACHELOR FANCIES
+          THAT HE IS GOING TO
+          DIE FOR LOVE OF A
+          WOMAN, ANOTHER
+          WOMAN ALWAYS COMES
+          ALONG AND INTERRUPTS
+          HIM
+
+[Illustration: . . . and interrupts him.]
+
+
+
+
+BACHELORS
+
+
+THE modern bachelor is like a blotting pad; he can soak up all the
+sentiment and flattery a woman has to offer him, without ever spilling a
+drop.
+
+A confirmed bachelor is so sure of his ability to dodge, that he is
+willing to amuse every pretty girl he meets, by handing her a rope and
+daring her to catch him.
+
+A bachelor is a large body of egotism, completely surrounded by caution
+and fortified at all points by suspicion. His chief products are wild
+oats and cynicism; his chief industry is dodging matrimony; his
+undeviating policy "Protection!" and his watch-word, "Give me liberty or
+give me death!"
+
+The average bachelor is so afraid of falling into matrimony, nowadays,
+that he sprinkles the path of love with ashes instead of with roses.
+
+The care with which a bachelor chaperones himself would inspire even the
+duenna of a fashionable boarding school with envy.
+
+A bachelor's idea of "safety first" consists in getting tangled up with
+a lot of women in order to avoid getting tied up to one.
+
+He is an altruist who refrains from devoting himself to one woman in
+order that he may scatter sweetness and light amongst the multitude.
+
+There is nothing quite so intriguing to a bachelor as flirting with the
+"_idea of marriage_"--with his fingers crossed. He just loves to
+"consider marrying" in the abstract and to go about pitying himself for
+being so "lonely."
+
+There are three kinds of bachelors: the kind that must be driven into
+matrimony with a whip; the kind that must be coaxed with sugar; and the
+kind that must be blindfolded and backed into the shafts.
+
+If you want to be chosen to brighten a bachelor's life, first make it
+dark and dreary; so long as women are willing to make his existence one
+long sweet song, naturally he isn't anxious to exchange it for a
+lullaby.
+
+When a man actually asks a girl to marry him in these days of bachelor
+comforts and the deification of single-blessedness, she has a revelation
+of human unselfishness that stands as the eighth wonder of the world.
+
+That tired expression on a bachelor's face is not so often the result of
+brain-fag from an overworked mind as of heart-fag from overworking the
+emotions.
+
+Lovers look at life through rose-colored curtains; old bachelors see it
+through a fog.
+
+Somehow, a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of
+beauty and a boy forever!
+
+A bachelor fancies that it is his wonderful sixty-horse will-power that
+keeps him from marrying, whereas it is nothing but his little one-horse
+_won't-power_.
+
+One consolation in marrying a bachelor over forty is that he has fought
+so long and so hard to escape the hook that there is no more fight left
+in him.
+
+Never give up hope as long as a bachelor declares definitely, "No woman
+can _get_ me!" Wait until he is so sure of his immunity that he sighs
+regretfully, "No woman will _have_ me!"
+
+The "vicious circle" in a bachelor's opinion, is the platinum one on a
+woman's third finger.
+
+A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has
+the art to remain a bachelor.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FIRST INTERLUDE
+
+
+IN the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns--and turns--and turns!
+
+There are lots of "sure cures" for love, but the quickest and surest
+is--_another love_.
+
+If there were only two women and one man in the world, the man would
+marry the brunette and then spend the rest of his life peeping over her
+shoulder and trying to flirt with the blonde.
+
+A woman always embalms the corpse of a dead love; a man wisely cremates
+it, and plants a new love in the ashes.
+
+A fool and her money are soon courted.
+
+A woman's pity for a man who loves her against her will may be akin to
+love; but a man's pity for a woman who loves him without his permission
+is a twin brother to boredom.
+
+Marriage is the miracle which affords a woman a chance to gratify her
+vanity, pacify her family, mortify her rivals, and electrify her
+friends, all at the same time. Marriage is sweet!
+
+Love is what incites the caveman to drag a woman around by the hair and
+makes the civilized man permit a woman to drag _him_ around by the nose.
+
+The heart of a woman is a secret sanctuary where she is constantly
+burning incense and candles before a succession of idols of clay.
+
+Nowadays, a man's faith in women and heaven seems to disappear with his
+milk-teeth and to reappear again with his false teeth.
+
+To most men "repentance" is merely the interval between the headache and
+the next temptation.
+
+Most bachelors regard the "flower of love" as a species of poison ivy.
+
+Even Satan could find a woman to call him "Dearie," if he would simply
+tell her that all he needed was "a beautiful woman's uplifting
+influence."
+
+A man may be guilty of stealing a girl's heart, but he always feels hurt
+and indignant if she refuses to take it back again after he has finished
+with it.
+
+Woman's love--a mirror in which a man beholds himself glorified,
+magnified and deified.
+
+Always try to be the "guiding star" of a man's life, but never make the
+mistake of fancying that you are his whole planetary system.
+
+A woman must keep her conscience, her complexion and her reputation
+snow-white. But a man is satisfied if he can just manage to keep his so
+that they comply with the pure food laws.
+
+Art is inspiring, but you can't run your fingers through its hair; a
+career is absorbing, but you can't tie ribbons on the curls of your
+brain-children; work is ennobling, but, alas, it hasn't got a shoulder
+to cry on!
+
+When a girl refuses to kiss a man he is never disconcerted; he is merely
+astonished that she could be so blind to her own feelings.
+
+A summer resort is a place where a girl spends half her time in making
+herself alluring--and the other half in yearning for something to
+"lure."
+
+When a girl marries a man she is sadly aware that all his old
+sweethearts are wondering _how_ she did it, and that all her old
+sweethearts are wondering _why_.
+
+Marriage will never be safe until we stop making it an "ideal" and begin
+trying to make it a square deal.
+
+Just before marriage a man's coat lapel acquires that grayish look which
+comes from the constant contact with face powder, but it's wonderful how
+soon it brightens up and gets back its natural color after the wedding.
+
+Love is like appendicitis; you never know when nor how it is going to
+strike you--the only difference being that, after one attack of
+appendicitis, your curiosity is perfectly satisfied.
+
+No matter how many men have tried to flirt with her, a girl will step
+cheerfully up to the altar in the firm belief that she has found the one
+perfect human being in trousers who will never look at another woman.
+
+After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right
+through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he
+can look right through his wife without seeing her.
+
+A man recuperates so much more quickly from his remorse than a woman
+does from her indignation that by the time she has forgiven him he is
+tired of being good and ready to sin again.
+
+Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking
+about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you
+finish saying it.
+
+A man can never understand how a woman gets so much joy out of leading
+him all the way to the threshold of love and then sweetly closing the
+door in his face.
+
+Solitaire--the married woman's game.
+
+A man's greatest conquest is self-conquest; his greatest possession,
+self-possession; and his greatest love--Oh, well, you fill in the rest.
+
+Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants
+him to kiss her--when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to
+_want_ to kiss her?
+
+Plunging into a hasty marriage in order to escape from a foolish
+entanglement is like rushing under a trolley car in order to escape from
+a taxicab.
+
+Nowadays a girl's favorite way of committing suicide for love of a man,
+is to marry him and worry herself to death over him.
+
+A good wife is always her husband's "guide, philosopher and friend";
+also his guardian, digestion, conscience, time-table and valet.
+
+A man never knows how to say goodby; a woman never knows _when_ to say
+it.
+
+A woman's greatest "right" is the right husband.
+
+A woman might forgive a man for all his sins; it's that stained-glass
+attitude with which he decides to "give them up" when he is tired of
+them that exasperates her so.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          A MAN DOESN'T WANT
+          A WIFE WHO PLACES
+          HIM ON A PEDESTAL
+          OR KEEPS HIM ON A
+          FOOTSTOOL, BUT ONE
+          WHO WILL TAKE HIM
+          AS A MERE MAN--AND
+          LET HIM GO ON BEING
+          "MERE"
+
+[Illustration: Places him on a pedestal . . .]
+
+
+
+
+TRUE LOVE--HOW TO KNOW IT
+
+
+TRUE LOVE is nothing but friendship, highly intensified, flavored with
+sentiment, spiced with passion, and sprinkled with the stardust of
+romance.
+
+True Love can be no deeper than your capacity for friendship, no higher
+than your ideals, and no broader than the scope of your vision.
+
+True Love, in the cave man, is expressed by a desire to beat a woman,
+and to pull her around by the hair.
+
+True Love, in the Broadwayite, is expressed by an insatiable craving to
+_buy things_ for a woman.
+
+True Love, in a husband, is expressed by his willingness to give his
+wife anything, from the tenderest piece of steak to a divorce, if it
+will make her happy.
+
+True Love, in any man, is the essence of unselfishness; and the most
+selfish thing in the world. It is the selfishness that transcends
+selfishness; the vanity that puts egotism in the shade.
+
+True Love, in a bachelor, is exemplified by his willingness to marry a
+woman--against all his instincts, his sense of self-preservation, and
+his better judgment.
+
+True Love, in a born flirt, is evidenced by his inability to think of
+any _other woman_, while he is kissing a particular one.
+
+True Love, in an author, is demonstrated by his self-restraint, in
+refusing to make "copy" out of a love affair.
+
+True Love, in a college boy, is expressed by his ability to think of
+somebody besides himself for a whole hour at a time.
+
+It is the flash of light, by which one sees clearly that to do for
+another, give to another, and sacrifice for another, will get one the
+most happiness out of life.
+
+True Love, in the poet, is expressed in soul kisses, and by his
+inability to do any work for days at a time.
+
+We speak of "falling in love," as though it were a pit or an abyss; but
+True Love is the light on the mountain-top, to which we must eternally
+climb.
+
+True Love is a relic of the Victorian Age.
+
+It still exists, here and there, like the buffalo; but in the face of
+eugenics, feminism, and the growing masculine determination not to
+marry, it may some day have to take a place beside the Dinosaurus in the
+Public Museum.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+VARIATIONS
+
+
+FLIRTATION is a duel in which the combatants cross lies, sighs and
+eyes--and the coolest heart wins.
+
+Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and
+bottling the common-sense.
+
+In the medley of love a man's soul sings a sonata, while his heart plays
+a waltz and his pulse beats to rag-time.
+
+Better be a strong man's "rib" than a weak man's "backbone."
+
+True love isn't the kind that endures through long years of absence, but
+the kind that endures through long years of propinquity.
+
+A man seldom thinks of marrying when he meets his ideal woman; he waits
+until he gets the marrying fever and then idealizes the first woman he
+happens to meet.
+
+Love is what tempts a man to tell foolish lies to a woman and a woman to
+tell the fool truth to a man.
+
+It took seven hundred guesses for Solomon to find out what kind of a
+wife he wanted; and even then he seems to have had his doubts.
+
+The only thing more astonishing than the length of time a man's love
+will subsist on nothing is the celerity with which it is surfeited the
+moment it has any encouragement to feed on.
+
+Even when a man knows that he wants to marry a woman, she has to prove
+it to him with a diagram before he is really convinced of it.
+
+A man is so apt to mistake his love of experiment for love of a woman
+that half the time he doesn't know which is which.
+
+Why is it that a man never thinks he has tasted the cup of joy unless he
+has splashed it all over himself, as though it were his morning bath?
+
+A man is so versatile that he can read his newspaper with one set of
+brain-cells while he carries on a conversation with his wife with
+another set.
+
+A girl hides her emotions under a veil of modesty, a spinster under a
+cloak of cynicism, a wife under a mantle of tact, and a widow under a
+cloud of mystery--and then women wonder why they are "misunderstood."
+
+Proposing is a sort of acrobatic feat, in which a man must hang on to
+his nerve with one hand and to the girl with the other. If he lets go of
+either, he is lost.
+
+In love, as in poker, men play just to _play_--and then proceed to throw
+away what has been easily won, without any thought of its value. Thus
+gamblers so often die in poverty and Lotharios in loneliness.
+
+Nowadays, a truly chivalrous girl will "lie like a lady" in order to
+protect a trusting man's vanity.
+
+The woman who fascinates a man is not the one who looks up to him as the
+sun of her existence, but the one who merely looks down on him as one of
+the footlights.
+
+Don't doubt a man when he says, "I never loved like _this_ before." Each
+time a man falls in love with so much more ease and facility that he
+doesn't recognize it as the same old emotion at all.
+
+The first time a man lies to his wife he is surprised to discover how
+easy it is to do it. After that he is surprised to find out how hard it
+is _not_ to do it.
+
+A man always speaks of having "given" his heart to a woman as though he
+had done something generous and noble; whereas, nine times out of ten,
+she probably had to wrench it from him.
+
+About the only things in connection with his wife for which a man shows
+any respect after a few years of marriage are her reputation and her
+toothbrush.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+BLONDES
+
+
+NEXT to a mouse or a rich widow, there is nothing on earth that a normal
+girl dreads so much as a blonde.
+
+No matter how many brunettes a man may have married from time to time
+you can always be perfectly sure that there has been a blonde in his
+life.
+
+A woman with dark hair and eyes may make men admire her, but in order to
+make one of them _propose_ she must blondine her temperament down to the
+roots.
+
+The dusky Cleopatra may have succeeded in making fools of a few men, but
+it took a dizzy little blonde like Helen of Troy to make a lot of men
+make fools of _themselves_.
+
+In order to be popular with men, in these days, a brunette must be
+either brilliant, interesting, rich or beautiful; but a blonde doesn't
+have to be anything but a _blonde_.
+
+You may fight a brunette, dearie, as woman to woman, but when you fight
+a blonde you fight a cherished masculine tradition.
+
+Why is it that in all the novels and motion picture plays the vampires
+and adventuresses have dark hair and black eyes, while the innocent,
+persecuted angels are all blondes--whereas in real life it is always the
+other way 'round.
+
+Generally speaking, there are two kinds of blondes: blondes by birth and
+blondes by preference. These are subdivided into golden blondes, diamond
+blondes, strawberry blondes--and undecided blondes; that is, those who
+have not yet decided on their favorite shade.
+
+Sometimes illness turns a woman's hair gray, and sometimes it merely
+turns it dark at the roots. A little peroxide is a treacherous thing!
+
+All this talk about the "yellow peril" is nonsense. There is no more
+danger in permitting your husband to employ a pretty blonde stenographer
+than there is in throwing a lighted match into the wastebasket.
+
+When love flies out of the window the tame cat and the sympathetic
+blonde tip-toe in by opposite doors.
+
+
+
+
+CYMBALS AND KETTLE-DRUMS
+
+
+THIS is the great masculine question: Whether it is better to marry and
+live in the constant fear of one woman's frown or to stay single and
+live in deadly fear of every woman's smile.
+
+"Conscience doth make cowards of us all"--but not until we've emptied
+the bottle, tired of the flirtation and gotten our money's worth out of
+the game.
+
+Marriage--A souvenir of love.
+
+Wanted: A wife who can broil a steak with one hand, powder her nose with
+the other, rock the cradle with her foot and accompany herself on the
+harp. (_Signed_) EVERYMAN.
+
+When the girls admire him a young man takes it as a matter of course;
+but when a widow selects him for her attention he thrills with the
+knowledge that he is being stamped with the approval of a connoisseur.
+
+Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve
+you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to
+you.
+
+If Achilles' only vulnerable spot was in his heel, then his vanity must
+have gone to his feet, instead of to his head.
+
+You can't expect a woman to accomplish much in this life, since she is
+busy every minute of it either trying to _get_ some man, trying to _get
+along with_ one, or trying to _get rid of_ one.
+
+A man's wife is something like his teeth: He never thinks of her unless
+she happens to bother him.
+
+Life is a tale that is "told": the monk tells his beads, the seer tells
+fortunes, the lover tells lies--and a woman tells everything.
+
+To collect books is a sign of culture, to collect jewels a sign of
+wealth, but to collect husbands is a sign of paresis.
+
+A modern bachelor makes love with his hand on his pulse and his eye on
+the clock.
+
+Oh yes, there is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized
+man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
+
+A sympathetic woman is like a rose which a man wears over his heart; a
+stupid woman is like a cabbage which he keeps in his kitchen; but a
+merely "clever" woman is like a dahlia--he knows he ought to admire her,
+but he had just as lief do so from a distance.
+
+While a woman is weeping over the ghost of a dead love in the graveyard
+of memory, a man is usually off pursuing a lot of little new loves in
+the garden of forgetfulness.
+
+Life is like a poem or a story; the most important thing about it is not
+that it should be long, but that it should be beautiful and interesting.
+
+The older a woman gets the more trusting she becomes; at twenty a man
+can feed her only diluted flattery; but at forty she can swallow it,
+straight, without a quiver.
+
+No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she
+just naturally becomes a "Master of Arts" and a "Doctor of Philosophy"
+after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.
+
+The average man takes all the natural taste out of his food by covering
+it with ready-made sauces, and all the personality out of a woman by
+covering her with his ready-made ideals.
+
+Heaven is _not_ a mythical place. It can be found right down in the
+heart of the man who has found the work he loves and the woman he loves.
+
+An ideal lover is one with such a keen dramatic instinct that he can
+convince himself of his sincerity--even when he knows that he is lying.
+
+Love is a matter of chance; matrimony a matter of money, and divorce--a
+matter of course.
+
+Adam was the first man to "misunderstand" a woman.
+
+A man is like a park squirrel; if you fling your favors or your charms
+at his head he will never come up and eat out of your hand.
+
+What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the mental action that
+follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.
+
+In the School of Love, a man is forever just taking up a brand new
+"study" and discovering that all the old loves were nothing but
+"preparatory practice."
+
+The eugenic idea of choosing a husband would be perfectly lovely, only
+that a husband isn't a matter of choice, but of chance, accident or
+blind luck.
+
+Love is woman's eternal spring, man's eternal fall.
+
+It isn't beauty, and it isn't cleverness, and it isn't clothes that make
+a particular woman fascinating. It is just a sort of magnetic current
+which seems to run around her and set her eyes a-twinkling--and a man's
+heart tingling.
+
+It is utterly useless to tell a man the honest truth. That is the last
+thing on earth which a man ever tells a woman--so of course it's the
+last thing on earth which he ever expects to hear from her.
+
+The average man, like "all Gaul," is divided into three parts: his
+vanity, his digestion and his ambition. Cater to the first, guard the
+second and stimulate the third--and his love will take care of itself.
+
+There is no such tonic for a man's nerve as a capricious wife and no
+such softener for his backbone as a self-sacrificing one.
+
+A man can sit in the moonlight and talk "New Thought" to a pretty girl
+and at the same time look right into her eyes with all the old, old
+ones.
+
+Bohemia is an oasis in the desert of life where only the rich-in-dreams
+may go and only the poor-in-purse may stay.
+
+There is no way of two people really knowing each other until after they
+are married and have to share the same dollar, the same table, the same
+newspaper and the same chiffonier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+WHAT EVERY WOMAN WONDERS
+
+
+          THERE are gardens full of flowers that I feared to pluck.
+          There are eyes full of promises that I dared not believe.
+          There are lips full of sweetness, from which I turned away.
+          I wonder if Paradise holds anything for me, one-half so beautiful
+          As the joys I have renounced for its sake!
+
+A man's life is like a musical comedy; there is always one woman in it
+who is the star--but it takes ninety-nine others to make up the
+"ensemble."
+
+Nothing so annoys a man as to have a woman "cheer him up," when he is
+enjoying the exquisite luxury of feeling sorry for himself.
+
+The modern girl's "perfect candor" has taken the sin out of
+sincerity--and most of the sweet scent out of the flower of sentiment.
+Without the Serpent, the Garden of Eden would seem a dull old place to
+most men.
+
+Love is neither a bonfire, nor a kitchen-fire; but an altar-fire, to be
+kept burning forever with prayer and reverence.
+
+In the language of love, "Forever!" means for quite a little while and
+"Never!" means not until next season.
+
+"A fool there was, and he made his prayer"--to two women on the same
+party wire.
+
+Love is a matter of give and take--marriage, a matter of misgive and
+mistake.
+
+Even a fool knows enough to laugh at a man's joke--but only a born Siren
+knows enough to hang onto his coat-lapel and beg him to "Tell it again!"
+
+Some men are born for matrimony, some achieve matrimony--but most of
+them are merely poor dodgers.
+
+There are many times when a woman would gladly drop her husband, if she
+did not feel morally certain that some other woman would come right
+along and pick him up.
+
+Alas! In choosing a husband, it seems that you've always got to decide
+between something tame and uninteresting, like a gold-fish, and
+something wild and fascinating, like a mountain goat.
+
+Perhaps the first time a young man actually realizes that he is married
+is when he catches himself looking at other women with that strange,
+new, wistful sort of interest.
+
+It is at once the mission and the punishment of the flirt to go through
+life tapping the hearts of men, that they may overflow--for other women.
+
+The sweetest things in a woman's life are her "yesterdays"--the sweetest
+things in a man's life are his "tomorrows."
+
+The man who is fondly looking for a perfect angel almost invariably ends
+by marrying some little devil who knows how to persuade him that her
+horns are merely the signs of a budding halo.
+
+Woman is to most men what "heart-failure" is to the doctors--something
+that it is always convenient to blame any old thing on.
+
+"The mind has a thousand eyes--the heart but one!"--and that usually
+goes fast asleep, after marriage.
+
+Philosophy is the only kind of "sweetening" with which to make life
+palatable.
+
+Estimated from a wife's experience, the average man spends fully
+one-quarter of his life in looking for his shoes.
+
+An "idealist" is a man who is content to worship a woman from afar--and
+let some gross, unselfish materialist marry her and support her.
+
+Changing husbands is about as satisfactory as changing a bundle from one
+hand to the other; it gives you only temporary relief.
+
+France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest
+divorces in the world are "made in America."
+
+No doubt, even Solomon told each of his 700 wives that he had merely
+_thought_ he loved the others, but that _she_ was the only girl he "ever
+really cared for" in just that way.
+
+Love is what makes a man appear blissfully happy, when a woman is
+mussing up the precious wisp of hair across his bald spot.
+
+Love is what makes a woman laugh delightedly when a man is telling her
+for the second time, a story which she knew by heart before he told it
+to her the first time.
+
+All this "sex-antagonism" must have started when Adam brought in the
+first rabbit and ordered Eve to make it into Chicken-a-la-King.
+
+When a man takes a notion to marry, he doesn't start following it up--he
+merely stops running away.
+
+A woman is young until the light dies out of her last lover's eyes.
+
+Whenever a pretty girl runs her fingers through his hair, a cautious
+bachelor can't help thinking of what happened to Samson.
+
+Success in flirtation, as in gambling, consists in "getting out of the
+game" at the psychological moment before your luck begins to turn.
+
+Being a husband's "economic equal" may be awfully noble and advanced;
+but it usually means being all of his ribs and most of his vertebrae.
+
+Men have been classified as "what women marry." They have two feet, two
+hands and sometimes two wives--but never more than one collar-button or
+one idea at a time.
+
+When a man says, "Nobody understands me," don't fancy he is suffering.
+He is merely trying to let you know, in a modest way, that he is a
+profound, fascinating mystery.
+
+A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third,
+takes the fourth, accepts the fifth--and endures all the rest of them.
+
+After two years, an engagement doesn't need to be broken; it just
+naturally sags in the middle and comes apart.
+
+Eve had as much choice in the matter of a husband as any other woman.
+She merely accepted what fate sent her, and pretended to have gotten her
+"ideal."
+
+It is not much comfort to be able to keep your husband's material body
+in the house evenings, when his astral body keeps wandering off to the
+club, every few minutes.
+
+In love, sweet are the uses of diversity!
+
+A woman's love "bursts into flower," but judging from the time it takes
+him to discover it, a man's love must be developed by the wearisome
+process of geological formation.
+
+If a man and a diamond are big and brilliant enough, one doesn't mind a
+few flaws in them; but, for some reason, Heaven knows why, a woman and a
+pearl are expected to be absolutely perfect.
+
+When Fate places a laurel wreath on the brow of a genius she hitches a
+plough to his shoulders and holds a Tantalus cup to his lips.
+
+It isn't the man who paints his virtues in three colors and begs her to
+marry him, but the one who paints his sins in vermilion and begs her to
+"save" him who usually wins the girl.
+
+If you want a man to propose don't try to make your family coddle him.
+Make them hate him, because a man never really "takes hold" until
+somebody begins to pull the other way.
+
+The man who falls in love at first sight never knows what has struck
+him, and therefore mercifully escapes all the agonizing slow-torture of
+feeling himself sink, inch by inch, into the quicksands of matrimony.
+
+Never believe that justice is all you owe your husband; what every man
+needs, from the woman who loves him, is faith, hope and charity--and
+above all, _mercy_.
+
+Even a coquette can be loyal to one man--until she prefers another; but
+a man's heart is like a ferry-boat--always going backward and forward,
+and never staying "docked."
+
+Soft, sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing--that is what a little
+boy loves to eat and a grown man prefers to marry.
+
+
+
+
+SECOND INTERLUDE
+
+
+TO find your mate--that is luck; to know him when you find him--that is
+inspiration; to win him when you know him--that is art; and to keep him
+when you've won him--that is a _miracle_.
+
+A woman wastes more time in dreaming over a past flirtation than it
+would take a man to start a half dozen new ones.
+
+Flattery affects a man like any other sort of "dope." It stimulates and
+exhilarates him for the moment, but usually ends by going to his head
+and making him act foolish.
+
+The only way to be happy in this world is to take men and flirtations as
+they come--and _let them go_ as they go.
+
+Almost any straight path of devotion will lead to a woman's heart. It's
+this zigzagging from sentiment to cold fear and from adoration to
+self-preservation, that makes the way so long and dangerous for the
+average man.
+
+Solomon may have been the most famous _husband_ who ever lived, but as a
+_hero_ he isn't in it with the man who manages to get along happily and
+contentedly all through life with just _one_ wife!
+
+Woman! The peg on which the wit hangs his jest, the preacher his text,
+the cynic his grouch, and the sinner his justification!
+
+Everybody seems to be going through life at automobile speed nowadays;
+but alas, there are no sentimental garages by Life's wayside at which we
+may obtain a fresh supply of emotions, purchase a new thrill or patch up
+an exploded ideal.
+
+A man's work lasts from sun to sun, but his excuses for staying late at
+the office are never done.
+
+Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler
+instincts and his higher nature--and another woman to help him forget
+them.
+
+Never rush into a love affair. Love is a waiting game, which requires
+nerve, concentration, and a poker face.
+
+The average man marries one woman just in order to escape from a lot of
+others--and then flirts with a lot of others just in order to forget
+that he is married to one.
+
+Once a girl's heart beat faster at the sound of her sweetheart's
+footstep on the garden path; but now it requires the hum of a
+twelve-cylinder motor-car to rouse her from her lassitude.
+
+The one thing about love-making that the modern man simply can't
+understand is that, in order to make it thrilling and interesting, he
+must really put a little _love_ in it.
+
+In the war of the sexes a woman hides her scars of battle beneath a
+smile and a coat of rouge. A man goes about displaying his as proudly as
+though they were medals.
+
+Occasionally one meets a man who plunges into a love affair as he
+plunges into the surf, but most of them just sit back lazily on the
+beach and let the waves of emotion splash harmlessly over them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          THE GREATEST SHOCK
+          A TEMPERAMENTAL
+          WOMAN CAN RECEIVE
+          IS TO WAKE UP AND
+          FIND THAT SHE IS
+          MARRIED TO A HUMAN
+          BEING INSTEAD OF AN
+          IDEAL
+
+[Illustration: Married to a human being . . .]
+
+
+
+
+BRIDES
+
+"NEVERS" FOR THE "RIB."
+
+
+NEVER ask him to kiss you. Make your kisses a privilege, not a duty; a
+luxury, not a morning and evening "chore."
+
+Never refuse to kiss him--but sometimes keep him waiting a little while.
+Love thrives so much better on the stimulant of suspense than on the
+anaesthetic of memory.
+
+Never question him about his past love affairs. It is not the women he
+_has loved_, but those he _has not yet loved_, who will bother you.
+
+Never fling your old flames in his face. If you do he will soon cease to
+be jealous of the men you "might have married" and begin to _envy_ them.
+
+Never accuse him of being less ardent than he was before he married you.
+Many a husband would never discover that he was no longer madly in love,
+if his wife did not keep constantly reminding him of it.
+
+Never chide him for the same fault more than once.
+
+A man can become so accustomed to the thought of his own faults that he
+will begin to cherish them as charming little "personal
+characteristics."
+
+Never refer to your own defects. A man always accepts a woman at her own
+valuation; and he doesn't prize anything that advertises herself as a
+"second."
+
+Never laugh at him. Woman is supposed to be the only human joke and man
+the only laughing animal--except the hyena.
+
+Never _cry_ before him. A woman's tears soon wash all the color out of a
+man's love; after the third deluge they have no power to move
+him--except to move him out of the house.
+
+Never threaten him, scold him nor argue with him. _Act!_ A woman's
+arguments affect a man as water does a cat. He simply waits for them to
+dry up--and then he goes out and does as he pleases.
+
+Never doubt his word--even when you _know_ he is _lying_. A husband is
+like religion: to give you any real comfort, he must be taken with blind
+faith.
+
+Never put him on a leash. The dog or the husband that has to be tied is
+always the one that eventually has to be advertised in the "lost"
+columns.
+
+Never forget that marriage should be a privilege, not a prison; home a
+refectory, not a reformatory; and wives jolliers, and not jailers.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+SYNCOPATIONS
+
+
+A "SOUL-MATE" is seldom the siren who manages to drive a man to
+distraction, but just the sympathetic little thing who always happens to
+come along when he is _looking for distraction_.
+
+Hanging on a man's word may flatter him, but hanging on his neck merely
+frightens him.
+
+Every gay dog has his day--after.
+
+One may be loved forever! It is the vain desire to go on being a
+"heart-breaker" after one's flirting days are over that constitutes the
+real tragedy of age.
+
+A man regards a woman's love first as an unattainable dream, then as a
+boon, then as a blessing, then as a right, then as a matter-of-course--and,
+last, as a punishment.
+
+A man's idea of "preserving the unities" is to find out what side of an
+argument his wife is on, and then take the other side, in order to keep
+it from sagging.
+
+After a bachelor's heart has been patched up, cut down and remodeled to
+fit the romantic ideal of one girl after another, there is seldom enough
+of it left to go all the way around the honeymoon.
+
+There is no question of degree in matrimony. You can be a little bit in
+love or a little bit ill; but you can't be a little bit married or a
+little bit dead.
+
+Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment
+in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.
+
+If your husband is wrapped up in his work from 9 A.M. to 6 P.M. you
+needn't bother to investigate his morals. Satan wouldn't waste his
+talents trying to tempt a man with so little time and energy for the
+devil's business.
+
+You can't argue, frighten or nag a man into loving you just because he
+"ought to"--because, dearie, love is not exactly a man's feeling for a
+thought-censor, a creditor or a critic-on-the-hearth.
+
+There are more ways of killing a man's love than by strangling it to
+death--but that's the usual way.
+
+In matters of the heart most men are still in a state of barbarism,
+slightly tempered by woman.
+
+A man is never old until his spirit is worn out, his rosy hopes have
+turned gray, his illusions have faded and he has wrinkles on his heart.
+
+An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his pockets full of money,
+his digestion in good condition and his wife in the country.
+
+Every time a man hits a woman's vanity he makes a dent in her love.
+
+A man's first lie wounds a woman's heart, the second breaks it, the
+third mends it, and all the rest simply harden it.
+
+Dissimulation is the price of peace--but it's awfully hard for a married
+woman to preserve the peace by deceiving her husband into thinking that
+he is deceiving her, every time he tries.
+
+Of course men are not so suspicious as women. A woman in love would be
+jealous of a store dummy; but how can a man possibly suspect that any
+girl on whom he may bestow himself could ever think of anybody else?
+
+A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a
+beautiful woman fascinates him--but the considerate woman _gets_ him.
+
+There never was a man too nearsighted to see the look of admiration in a
+pretty woman's eyes.
+
+WIFE: The woman from whom a man failed to escape and to whom he
+complacently refers as "the little woman _I married_."
+
+MARRIAGE: The intermission between the wedding and the divorce.
+
+WEDDING: The point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins
+roasting her.
+
+Most girls, nowadays, would give a lot for a few solid vows, a few
+unshrinkable signs of devotion and a really convincing kiss.
+
+It isn't a husband's disinclination to listen to his wife's
+conversation, but that "I-am-ready-to-bear-with-you" expression with
+which he does it that grates on her nerves so.
+
+The average man has so much heart that he apparently thinks it a pity to
+waste it all on one woman.
+
+Alas! Why is it that when your cup of happiness is full _somebody_
+always jogs your elbow!
+
+Never judge a man's love by the ardor of his first kiss, nor by the
+tenderness of his second, but by the eagerness with which he seeks the
+third.
+
+When it comes to making love, a girl can always listen so much faster
+than a man can talk.
+
+If nothing but their heart-strings became entangled, people would not
+find the marriage tie so binding; it is a man's purse-strings and a
+woman's apron-strings that really form the Gordian knot.
+
+In love, a man loses first his head, then his vanity, then his
+poise--and, last of all, his heart.
+
+It is much more comfortable to be considered a "little devil" and get a
+credit mark every time you do anything right, than to be considered an
+"angel" and get a black mark every time you do anything human.
+
+Love is a game at which a woman must play against stacked cards, and
+without the slightest inkling of the trump.
+
+A woman's last resort is henna--a man's Gehenna.
+
+To a woman marriage is the beginning of life; to a man it is the end of
+"liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
+
+Perfect wife: That which a married man always fancies he might have
+gotten if he had kept on experimenting a little longer.
+
+Why is it that, no matter how much a man thinks of one girl, he can't
+help thinking of a lot of others at the same time?
+
+Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be satisfied if you can
+just manage to chip it in a brand new place.
+
+          IT IS QUITE CORRECT
+          TO SEND YOUR FORMER
+          HUSBAND A GIFT ON
+          THE ANNIVERSARY OF
+          YOUR DIVORCE, IN REMEMBRANCE
+          OF "THE
+          MANY HAPPY DAYS
+          WHICH YOU HAVE
+          SPENT--APART"
+
+[Illustration: In remembrance.]
+
+
+
+
+DIVORCES
+
+
+LOVE, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.
+
+Most marriages, nowadays, seem built for speed rather than for
+endurance.
+
+A divorcee is one who has graduated from the Correspondence School of
+Experience.
+
+Marriage, according to the merry Widow-reno, is a "perfectly lovely
+experience to have _had_!"
+
+Grass Widow: The angel whom a man loved, the human being he married, and
+the devil he divorced.
+
+Most actresses are married--now and then; most literary women--off and
+on; most society women--from time to time.
+
+    In olden days, the lover cried, in burning words and brave,
+    "Oh darling, be my Queen, my Bride--and let me be your slave!"
+    But nowadays, he murmurs, over cigarette and tea,
+    "Say, when you get your _next_ divorce, will you (puff) marry me?"
+
+When a woman obtains her second divorce, one hardly knows whether to
+class her as a good loser, a bad chooser, or just a "poor sport."
+
+Why is it that when a man hears that a woman has had a "past," he is
+always so anxious to brighten up her present?
+
+Many a woman's sole reason for getting a divorce is because she is tired
+of holding onto heaven with one hand and onto a man with the other.
+
+When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they
+"don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last,
+begun to.
+
+That "just-after-the-divorce" feeling is not the exhilarating thing many
+people imagine it. It is more like the mingled sensation of pain and
+relief that comes the moment after you have removed a tight slipper and
+before the ache has subsided.
+
+Divorce is the Great Divide, over which most men expect to pass into the
+Happy Hunting Grounds.
+
+Reno! The land of the free and the grave of the home!
+
+
+
+
+THIRD INTERLUDE
+
+
+IN the abstract a man admires nobility and intelligence in a woman; but
+in the concrete he always prefers a bird of Paradise to a wren, a
+decoration to an inspiration and incense to common sense.
+
+"Intuition" is what a man calls a girl's ability to see through him,
+before marriage; "suspicion" is what he calls it, after marriage.
+
+Satan, himself, could no doubt make any woman love him, if he took the
+trouble to convince her that it was "her beauty that drove him to
+Hades."
+
+Of course, polygamy is dreadful; but, at least, an Oriental wife can
+come within four or five guesses of knowing where her husband spends his
+evenings.
+
+Take care of a woman's vanity--and her love will take care of itself.
+
+Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam the apple, woman's
+punishment has been to have to supply a man with food and then suffer
+the consequences when it disagrees with him.
+
+The wings of love are not clipped by marriage; they merely _molt_ for
+lack of exercise.
+
+All love is 99.44 per cent pure: pure imagination, pure vanity, pure
+curiosity, pure folly or whatever else it happens to be.
+
+Don't waste your tears on the girls a heart-breaker _should_ have
+married and didn't; save them for the girl he _will_ marry and
+_shouldn't_.
+
+It requires a little moisture to make a postage stamp stick and a little
+cold water of indifference to make a sweetheart stick.
+
+There are only two kinds of perfectly faultless men--the dead and the
+deadly.
+
+In order to see a man in his most interesting colors a woman always has
+to scrape off a lot of unnecessary whitewashing.
+
+Marriage is a discord that turns "Love's Old Sweet Song" from a eulogy
+into an elegy.
+
+The height of the average girl's ambition is just about six feet.
+
+You can always cure a man of love-sickness with "mental suggestion"
+merely by suggesting to him that the girl is trying to marry him.
+
+Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism
+are extracted without an anaesthetic.
+
+Jealousy is the false alarm that wakes us up from love's young dream.
+
+The most successful men are not those who have been inspired by a wise
+woman's love, but those who have perspired in order to gratify a foolish
+woman's whims.
+
+It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing than to keep one lover
+after he has stopped guessing.
+
+A man's soul lies so close to his digestion that when he looks blue and
+downhearted, a woman never knows whether to offer him a kiss, a meal, a
+dose of philosophy or a dyspepsia tablet.
+
+A woman is so complex that she can prove to a man by every possible
+convincing argument that she feels nothing but platonic friendship for
+him, at the same time that she is thinking how she would like to run her
+fingers through his hair.
+
+One reason why a man's life is so much fuller than a woman's is because
+he spends nearly three-quarters of it in hunting up things for a woman
+to do.
+
+Oh yes, a woman always looks up to a brave, strong man whom she can
+respect--and then nine times out of ten, goes and marries some pallid
+weakling whom she can "mother."
+
+A man spends his boyhood struggling against an education, his youth
+struggling against matrimony and his middle-age struggling against
+embonpoint; but sooner or later he succumbs to all of them.
+
+No man wants an "equal" but an angel. If Satan himself should decide to
+marry he wouldn't go around looking for a congenial little Satanette,
+but for a paragon who had a pull with St. Peter.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          HALF A LOVE
+          IS BETTER
+          THAN NONE
+
+[Illustration: Half a love . . .]
+
+
+
+
+WIDOWS
+
+
+A WIDOW is a fascinating being with the flavor of maturity, the spice of
+experience, the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced coquetry, and
+the halo of one man's approval.
+
+Second mourning is that interesting period, at which a widow continues
+to weep with one eye while she begins to flirt with the other.
+
+When a widow comes in at the door, a debutante's chances fly out of the
+window.
+
+No matter how many wrinkles a widow may have in her face, she always has
+enough at her fingertips to offset them.
+
+Even a dead husband gives a widow some advantage over a spinster; the
+very debts her husband left afford her something to boast about to the
+unmarried woman who has only her own board bills to pay.
+
+A girl takes a man for better or for worse--but a widow merely takes him
+for granted.
+
+Girls are the milk and honey which sweeten a man's life; widows, the
+caviare and wine which relieve its flatness and give it spice and
+piquancy.
+
+A girl knows exactly what kind of man she wants to marry; but a widow
+knows all the kinds she _doesn't_ want to marry, and usually makes a
+safe selection by the wise process of elimination.
+
+A widow's chief consolation in remarrying is probably that she finds it
+less exhausting to sit up and wait for one man to come home evenings,
+than to sit up and wait for a lot of them to go home.
+
+Widows have all the honor and glory without any of the trials of
+matrimony; a live husband may be a necessity, but a dead one is a
+luxury.
+
+Matrimony is the price of love--widowhood, the rebate.
+
+
+
+
+IMPROVISATIONS
+
+
+SPRING flowers are like spring love, so sweet and tender, but doomed to
+fade quickly; it's in the autumn of life, or of the year, that we get
+the hardy variety of either.
+
+A man may honestly admire a superior woman; but when it comes to
+marrying, he usually looks about for something far enough beneath him to
+enjoy being ordered about and patted on the head.
+
+A girl's heart is like her dressing-table--crowded with tenderly
+cherished little souvenirs of love; a man's, like his pipe, is carefully
+cleaned and emptied after each flame has gone out.
+
+A man doesn't ask a girl to "name the day" any more; he merely pleads
+guilty to loving her and then closes his eyes while she passes sentence
+on him and decide when he shall begin "serving time."
+
+When a woman reforms she bleaches her conscience down to the roots as
+she does her hair; a man simply gives his a coat of whitewashing so that
+he will have a nice, clean space in which to begin all over again.
+
+When a bachelor sniffs through his letters before opening them in the
+morning, it is not a sign that he is looking for dynamite, but that he
+is looking for a note bearing a brand of sachet which he has mistaken
+for some girl's "sweet personality."
+
+At the awakening from love's young dream the woman's first thought is,
+"How can I break his heart?" The man's, "How can I break away?"
+
+A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her imagination,
+and then they both speak of it as an affair of "the heart."
+
+No, Clarice, a man's idea of being loved isn't exactly being followed
+around with a hot water bottle, a box of pills and the eternal question:
+"Do you love me as much as ever?"
+
+One grass widow doesn't make a summer resort--but she can always make it
+interesting.
+
+When a man has baggy trousers nowadays it is from falling on his knees
+to an automobile--not to a girl.
+
+A black lie always shows up against the dazzling background of truth;
+it's all the little white ones a man keeps telling you that can't be
+spotted or distinguished from the rest of his conversation.
+
+The only time when a sense of humor profits a woman anything is when she
+can laugh at herself for having tried to charm a man by dazzling him
+with it.
+
+Most men fall in love with a sudden jolt, and wake up to find that they
+are married to an "impulse."
+
+It's a lame love that has to be carried through the honeymoon in a
+three-thousand-dollar touring car.
+
+In the mathematics of a bachelor one kiss makes a flirtation, two kisses
+make one conquest, three kisses make a love-affair and four kisses make
+one tired.
+
+There are "chain-smokers" who light one cigarette from the dying end of
+another--and there are also "chain lovers" who light one flame from the
+dying embers of another.
+
+Eve had one advantage over all the rest of her sex. In his wildest
+moments of rage Adam never could accuse her of being "just like her
+_mother_!"
+
+Every woman has a different notion of an ideal husband; but every
+woman's ideal lover is the same impossible combination of saint and
+devil, brute and baby, hero and mollycoddle, that never is seen anywhere
+off the stage or outside the pages of a "best thriller."
+
+Love is a voyage of discovery, marriage the goal--and divorce the relief
+expedition.
+
+A man never can comprehend why a woman can't understand how he can be
+dead in love with one girl and acutely alive to the charms of a lot of
+others at the same time.
+
+Jealousy is the tie that binds--and binds--and binds.
+
+It is not the fear of being shipwrecked that keeps a bachelor from
+embarking on the sea of matrimony; it is the awful horror of being
+becalmed.
+
+Nowadays most women grow old gracefully; most men, disgracefully.
+
+A man can forgive a woman for having made a fool of herself over any man
+on earth--except himself.
+
+Eternity: The interval between the time when a woman discovers that a
+man is in love with her and the time when he finds it out himself and
+tells her about it.
+
+The follies which a man regrets the most, in his life, are those which
+he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
+
+In the average man's opinion the command, "Thou shalt not steal," does
+not apply to a kiss, a heart, an umbrella, an hotel or an after-dinner
+story.
+
+To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning; to a man, it
+is the beginning of the end.
+
+The qualities a man seeks in a bride no more resemble those he will want
+in a wife than a cabaret rag-ditty resembles a lullaby, but two years
+ahead is farther than any man can see when he is looking into a pretty
+girl's eyes.
+
+          YOU MAY GROOM, YOU MAY POLISH HIM UP AS YOU WILL,
+          BUT THE MARK OF THE "M A R R I E D  M A N" CLINGS TO HIM STILL.
+
+[Illustration: You may polish him up . . .]
+
+
+
+
+WIDOWERS
+
+
+THE tenderest, most impressionable thing on earth is the heart of a
+yearling widower.
+
+Of course it is easier to marry a widower than a bachelor. A man who has
+been through the Armageddon of _one_ marriage has no spirit of battle
+left in him.
+
+When a widow begins curling her hair, again, or a widower begins
+worrying about his thinness on top, Cupid chuckles and gets out his
+arrows and Satan smiles behind his hand.
+
+In the matrimonial market a seasoned bachelor is just a shop-worn
+remnant; a divorce is a cast-off, second-hand article; but a widower is
+a treasured heirloom inherited only through death.
+
+After his wedding day, a man usually tucks all the flattering adjectives
+and tender nothings in his vocabulary away in a pigeon-hole and marks
+them "Not to be opened until widowerhood."
+
+Perhaps there may not be so much excitement in marrying a widower; but
+there is a lot more comfort in getting something that another woman has
+broken to double harness than in lashing yourself to a bucking bronco
+fresh from the wild.
+
+No matter how unhappy a man may have been with his first wife nothing on
+earth will make him flatter her successor by acknowledging that she was
+not a combination of Circe, St. Cecilia and the Venus di Milo.
+
+The girl who marries a widower may be a sort of "second edition," but
+the girl who marries a seasoned bachelor is apt to be a forty-second
+edition.
+
+When a widower vows he will "never marry again," listen for the wedding
+bells! The "Never-agains" are the easiest fruit in the Garden of Love.
+It's the "Never-at-alls!" who are harder than a newsboy's conscience,
+colder than yesterday's kiss, and less impressionable than a
+boarding-house steak.
+
+If a woman could foresee how irresistible her husband would look with a
+bereaved expression on his face and a black band on his coat sleeve, it
+would give her the strength to live forever.
+
+Some widowers _are_ bereaved--others, relieved.
+
+A man may forget all about how to make love during ten years of
+matrimony, but it's wonderful how quickly he can brush up on the fine
+points again after he becomes a widower.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FOURTH INTERLUDE
+
+
+A MAN always looks at a woman through either the right or the wrong end
+of a telescope, and thus always sees her as a divinity or a devil--never
+as a human being.
+
+Business girl's motto: "Better marry and be a poor man's slave than stay
+single and be a rich man's stenographer."
+
+When a clever girl lets fly the arrows of wit she should be careful to
+see that a man's vanity is not the bull's eye.
+
+It is difficult for a man to reconcile a girl's absorbing interest in
+picture-hats, pearl powder, and Paquin models with real brains; but
+somehow his own enthusiasm for baseball and golf never seems to him
+incompatible with superior intelligence.
+
+Don't fancy your husband has ceased to love you merely because he no
+longer seems to notice your presence around the house; wait until he
+gets so that he doesn't even notice your absence.
+
+A good husband is one who will get up and lift the ice off the
+dumbwaiter instead of lying back and lifting his voice to tell you how
+to do it without "hurting your itsy bitsy fingers."
+
+The shallower a man's love, the more it bubbles over into eloquence.
+When his emotions go deep, words stick in his throat, and have to be
+hauled out of him with a derrick.
+
+To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
+little; to be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to
+understand her at all.
+
+A man with _savoir faire_ may scintillate in a crowd, but it takes a
+"bashful man" to shine in a dim cozy corner.
+
+Every bride fancies that she married the original "cave-man" until she
+tries to persuade him to go out and argue with the furniture-movers.
+
+What a man calls his conscience in a love affair is merely a pain in his
+vanity, the moral ache that accompanies a headache, or the mental action
+that follows a sentimental reaction.
+
+It never pays to compromise! Cheap clothes, cheap literature, cheap
+sports, cheap flirtations--a life filled with these is nothing but an
+electric flash, advertising "something just as good."
+
+Just at first, every man seems to fancy that it takes nothing but brute
+force and determination to run an automobile or a wife; after the
+smash-up he changes his mind.
+
+Brains and beauty are an impossible combination in a woman--not
+necessarily impossible to _find_, but impossible to _live with_.
+
+When a woman looks at a man in evening dress, she sometimes can't help
+wondering why he wants to blazon his ancestry to the world by wearing a
+coat with a long tail to it.
+
+When a man says he loves you don't ask him "Why," because by the time he
+has found his reason he will undoubtedly have lost his enthusiasm.
+
+Pshaw! It is no more reasonable to expect a man to love you tomorrow
+because he loves you today, than it is to assume that the sun will be
+shining tomorrow because the weather is pleasant today.
+
+Sending a man a sentimental note, just after he has spent the evening
+with you, has about the same thrilling effect as offering him a
+sandwich, immediately after dinner.
+
+A "good woman," according to Mrs. Grundy, is one who would scorn to
+sacrifice society for the sake of a man but will cheerfully sacrifice
+the man she marries for the sake of society.
+
+The flower of a man's love is not an immortelle, but a morning-glory;
+which fades the moment the sun of a woman's smiles becomes too intense
+and glowing.
+
+The sweetest part of a love affair is just before the confession when
+you begin discussing love in the abstract and gazing concretely into one
+another's eyes.
+
+Marriage is a photogravure made from the glowing illusions which Love
+has painted on the canvas of the heart.
+
+A woman may have to reach heaven before she tastes supernal joy; but to
+taste supreme punishment she has only to watch the love-mist die out of
+a man's eyes.
+
+Nothing frightens a man like a woman's stony silence. Somehow in spite
+of his lack of intuition, he has a subconscious premonition that her
+love is _dead_ when she is too weary and disinterested to "_answer
+back_."
+
+The satisfaction in flattering a man consists in the fact that, whether
+you lay it on thick or thin, rough or smooth, a little of it is always
+bound to stick.
+
+Love is a furnace in which the man builds the fire, and forever
+afterward expects the woman to keep it glowing, by supplying all the
+fuel.
+
+The gods must love summer flirtations--they die so young.
+
+A man may have heart enough to love more than one woman at a time, but
+unless he is a fatalist he should have brains enough not to try it.
+
+When love dies a wise married couple give its ashes a respectful burial,
+and hang a good photograph of it on the wall for the benefit of the
+public.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          EVERY TIME A MAN
+          FALLS IN LOVE HE
+          FANCIES THAT HE HAS
+          JUST DISCOVERED A
+          BRAND NEW SENSATION;
+          BUT, ALAS, IT ALWAYS
+          TURNS OUT, LIKE THE
+          HOTEL SOUP, TO BE
+          JUST THE SAME OLD
+          "STOCK" WITH A DIFFERENT
+          FLAVORING
+
+[Illustration: A brand new sensation . . .]
+
+
+
+
+SECOND MARRIAGES
+
+HINTS ON HOW TO CONDUCT ENCORE PERFORMANCES OF THE CEREMONY
+
+
+A BRIDE at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to _see_
+what she is getting.
+
+Always send your former husband a notice of your marriage; true
+politeness consists in giving pleasure to others.
+
+If you meet your ex-husband's fiancee, treat her with sympathetic
+courtesy. Remember that she is more to be pitied than scorned.
+
+If the bridegroom does not show up, marry the best man. After a few
+weeks you will not be able to notice the difference between them. Either
+will make you the same old excuses, tell you the same stories and give
+you the same "stock" kisses in the morning.
+
+When your second husband begins to speak wistfully of your first
+husband, do not chide him; remember that misery loves company, and
+perhaps it is a comfort to him to think that some one else has been as
+foolish as he has.
+
+Never consider your wedding a settled thing until you have gotten the
+man to the altar. The primary rule for marrying is "First catch your
+husband!"
+
+Besides, there's many a slip 'twixt the license and the certificate--and
+you may let him slip.
+
+In selecting husbands, always consider that it is quality, not quantity,
+that counts.
+
+One or two marriages, like one or two drinks, may not have any visible
+effect upon you. But don't make it a custom.
+
+A woman marries the first time, you know, for love, the second time for
+companionship, the third time for a support--and the rest of the time
+just from habit.
+
+When marrying a second time refrain from asking your friends what they
+think about it. Remember that they all think you are a fool.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+INTERMEZZO
+
+
+A MAN'S kisses are first reverent, then rapturous, then tender, then
+casual, and last--charitable.
+
+The hardest thing in life is to discover the exact geographical location
+of a man's grouch--whether it is in his tooth, his vanity or his
+digestion, or is just a chronic condition of the whole system.
+
+Being in love is like a fascinating spin at will in an automobile; being
+married, like a trolley trip on rails, with somebody ringing the bell at
+you every few minutes.
+
+A woman's love is composed of maternal tenderness, childlike
+inconsistency, torturing jealousy and sublime unselfishness--and how is
+a man ever going to comprehend a mixture like that?
+
+Alas, why is it that the most popular and fascinating women are so often
+the last to marry, and then nearly always pluck either a broken stick
+from the tide of life or a brand from the burning?
+
+Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled
+some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in
+the same way more than half of the time.
+
+A woman always wants her photograph to flatter her, but a man is
+perfectly satisfied if he gets one that looks as fascinating and
+impressive as he thinks he does.
+
+A jealous husband can put two and two together--and make fourteen.
+
+When a man hesitates to propose to a girl he is never quite sure whether
+it is the fear of being "turned down" or the fear of being "taken up"
+which paralyzes him.
+
+Spring is the time of the year when the eternal monotony of the daily
+grind gives a man brain-fag--and the eternal monotony of any one girl
+appears to give him heart-fag.
+
+A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man and
+takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.
+
+Of course, a girl hates to wound a man; but sometimes, after a painful
+parting, it would seem so much more artistic if he would only _remain_
+"wounded" just a little longer.
+
+Making a man promise to drop a woman simply excites his sympathy for
+her, so that, before he has fairly cut the string, he is anxious to tie
+a knot in it again.
+
+The hardest task of a girl's life, nowadays, is to prove to a man that
+his intentions are serious.
+
+Love, without faith, illusions and trust, is--Lord forgive us--cinders,
+ashes and dust!
+
+A man who strays for love of a woman may sometimes be reclaimed; but the
+man who strays for love of amusement or love or novelty will never "stay
+put" for any girl.
+
+Most girls, nowadays, would give almost as much for a little genuine
+sentiment and a really convincing kiss, as for a genuine "old master"
+and a really convincing novel.
+
+There are a hundred things that the cleverest man in the world never
+_can_ understand--and ninety-nine of them are women.
+
+Many a man who is too tender-hearted to pour salt on an oyster will pour
+sarcasm all over his wife's vanity and then wonder why she always
+shrivels up in her shell at the sight of him.
+
+A grub may become a butterfly, but the man who marries a butterfly,
+expecting to turn her into a grub, should remember that nature never
+works that way.
+
+A married man's hardest cross is not to be able to brag to his wife
+about the women who "tried to flirt with him."
+
+Plato has lured more men into matrimony than Cupid. A man can _see_ an
+arrow coming and dodge it, but platonic friendship strikes him in the
+back.
+
+Many a man has started out to "string" a girl, and gotten so tangled up,
+that the string ended in a marriage tie.
+
+Habit is the cement which holds the links of matrimony together when the
+ties of romance have crumbled.
+
+He that telleth a secret unto a married man may prepare himself for a
+lot of free advertising; for, lo, the conjugal pillow is the root of all
+gossip.
+
+To make a man perfectly happy tell him he works too hard, that he spends
+too much money, that he is "misunderstood" or that he is "different;"
+none of this is necessarily complimentary, but it will flatter him
+infinitely more than merely telling him that he is brilliant, or noble,
+or wise, or good.
+
+After a woman has lain awake half the night in order to be able to call
+her husband in time to catch his train it's rather hard to be hated for
+it, just like an alarm clock.
+
+A man expects a woman to laugh at all his jokes, admire all his bon
+mots, agree with all his opinions, and be blind to all his faults--and
+then he scornfully wonders why women are so "hypocritical."
+
+A diamond and a lump of coal are merely two varieties of carbon; but
+they are as different as the two things which the right wife and the
+wrong wife can make of the same man.
+
+Sometimes man proposes--and then keeps the girl waiting until the Lord
+kindly interposes.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+          A WOMAN
+          FLEES FROM
+          TEMPTATION,
+          BUT A MAN
+          JUST _CRAWLS_
+          AWAY FROM IT
+          IN THE CHEERFUL
+          HOPE
+          THAT IT MAY
+          OVERTAKE HIM
+
+[Illustration: A man just crawls away . . .]
+
+
+
+
+WOMAN--AND HER INFINITE VARIETY
+
+(A LEAF FROM ADAM'S DICTIONARY.)
+
+
+WOMAN--A divine creation for the comfort and amusement of mankind.
+
+RIB--That part of man's self of which he thinks the least and brags the
+most.
+
+WIFE (The Inferior Fraction)--The excuse for all a man's sins, the cause
+of all his failings, the keeper of his conscience, the guardian of his
+digestion, and the repository of his grouches.
+
+BETTER-HALF--The half that is always left at home.
+
+COQUETTE--Any woman who is so unreasonable as not to return a man's
+affections.
+
+FLIRT--Any woman, over whom a man has insisted on making a fool of
+himself.
+
+OLD MAID--An unmarried woman with more wrinkles than money.
+
+BACHELOR GIRL--An unmarried woman with more money than wrinkles.
+
+KITTEN--Any woman under sixty for whom a man feels a temporary
+tenderness.
+
+QUEEN--A pretty woman whom a man has not yet kissed.
+
+"IDEAL"--The particular woman, to whom a man happens to be making love.
+
+CLINGING VINE--A woman who allows her husband to think that he is having
+his own way.
+
+HELPMATE--A combination of playmate, soul-mate, and light-running
+domestic.
+
+GODDESS--An impossible woman, who exists only in novels and in a man's
+imagination.
+
+PARAGON--The kind of woman a man ought to marry, wants to marry, intends
+to marry--and never does.
+
+          PESSIMISM IS A MAN'S
+          NATURAL REACTION
+          AFTER TOO MUCH
+          OF ANYTHING--WINE,
+          LOVE, FOOD, FLIRTATION
+          OR OPTIMISM
+
+
+
+
+MAXIMS OF CLEOPATRA
+
+
+1
+
+  THESE three things Man feareth: Oysters out of season,
+  A Babe that plays with fire, and a Woman who can _reason_!
+
+
+2
+
+  Last year's sandals and yesterday's fish,
+  Last night's kisses and last week's wish
+  Are, to a Man, things gone and past;
+  Likewise _the woman before the last_!
+
+
+3
+
+  The soul of a man is white--or black, or yellow, or dun;
+  But a woman's soul is a rainbow and a Roman sash in one.
+
+
+4
+
+  Empty the words of the prayer, when the Pharisee prayeth aloud;
+  Empty the words of love, when he praiseth thee in a crowd.
+  Yet, he that is cold in the crowd, but seeketh thine ear when alone,
+  In the land of the Great God Isis by the name of "Cad" shall be known.
+
+
+5
+
+  As the pearl that I dropped in the glass can never again be mine,
+  So many a pearl of woman's love hath a man dissolved--in wine.
+
+
+6
+
+  Geese walk not alone; sheep will follow sheep;
+  So this little maxim I would have ye keep:
+  Would ye conquer _all_ men, make a fool of _one_--
+  The rest will turn toward thee, as lilies to the sun.
+
+
+7
+
+  The young man calleth for wine, the old for crystal water.
+  Seek not to enslave a _boy_ till thou art thirty, Daughter.
+
+
+8
+
+  When the game is over, vain the loser's sigh.
+  To thy parting lover, wave a gay good-by!
+  'Neath the storm-cloud bending, see the lily laugh.
+  If Love's reign be ending--write his epitaph!
+  Deck his grave with iris; blot away his name.
+  Isis and Osiris, make thy Daughter _game_!
+
+
+9
+
+  Flatter him boldly, Daughter, be he old or wise or callow;
+  For there is no meed of flattery that a man will fail to swallow.
+  Yet, after a time, desist; lest perchance, in his vanity,
+  He wonder why such a demi-god should stoop to a worm like thee!
+
+
+10
+
+  Call the bald man, "Boy;" make the sage thy toy;
+  Greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace.
+
+
+          WHERE IS THE SWEET,
+          OLD-FASHIONED WIFE
+          WHO USED TO GET UP
+          AT 6 O'CLOCK IN THE
+          MORNING AND COOK
+          HER HUSBAND'S
+          BREAKFAST? GONE,
+          GONE, ALAS, WITH
+          THE SWEET OLD-FASHIONED
+          HUSBAND
+          WHO USED TO COME
+          HOME AT 6 O'CLOCK
+          IN THE EVENING AND
+          _STAY THERE_
+
+
+
+
+FINALE
+
+
+ALL the love routes lead to a kiss--but some men make love with the
+directness of an express train, some as haltingly as a local and some
+with the charm, smoothness and variation of a "special."
+
+When a man complains of the girls who "pursue" him, don't forget that
+the mark of a real "girl-charmer" is his dead silence concerning all
+women except the one to whom he happens to be talking.
+
+A man's idea of displaying "resolution" appears to be first to find out
+what a woman wants him to do, and then to proceed "resolutely" not to do
+it.
+
+Presence of mind in love making is a sure sign of absence of heart; no
+man begins to be serious until he begins to be foolish.
+
+The girl a man marries is never the one he ought to marry or intended to
+marry, but just some "innocent bystander" who happened to be in the way
+at the psychological moment.
+
+A woman's heart is like a frame, which holds only one picture at a time;
+a man's is more like a cinemetograph.
+
+A man's love is not actually dead until he begins subconsciously to
+think of his wife as the person who makes him wear his rubbers, mow the
+lawn, put up the fly-screens, and explain where he has been all Saturday
+afternoon.
+
+The average man is so busy backing away from the girls he ought to marry
+that he usually backs right into the arms of the one woman under Heaven
+that he _ought not_ to marry.
+
+A man is like a motor-car which always balks on the trolley-tracks and
+runs at top speed down hill; a wife is the human brake that prevents him
+from going to destruction.
+
+When a girl refuses a man his greatest emotion is not disappointment,
+but astonishment that she should be so blind to her own luck.
+
+Nothing bores a man so much as for a woman to give him _all_ her
+love--when he wanted only a _little_ of it.
+
+Solomon was the only man who ever had six hundred and ninety-nine alibis
+when one of his wives detected the fragrance of another woman's sachet
+on his coat lapel.
+
+Every man "rocks the boat" of happiness at least once during a love
+affair--usually by trying to leap out of it before it lands in the port
+of Matrimony. All a man needs in order to win any woman is a little
+audacity, a little mendacity and plenty of pertinacity.
+
+The only chain that can bind love is an endless chain of compliments.
+
+When a woman doesn't marry it is usually because she has never met the
+man with whom she could be perfectly happy; but when a man remains
+single it is usually because he has never met the woman _without_ whom
+he could _not_ be perfectly happy.
+
+Most men expect to "reform" between the last dose of medicine and the
+last breath.
+
+Speaking of the modern advance in the "arts and crafts" it requires more
+art to get a husband and more craft to keep one nowadays, than it ever
+did.
+
+A frank man may be the noblest work of God, but he is as much of a
+nuisance in feminine society as a woman on a fishing trip.
+
+There is always a chance that a man may escape from the bonds of
+matrimony; but an old bachelor is wedded by all the bonds of nature to a
+collection of habits from which nothing but death can divorce him.
+
+By the time he marries, a bachelor's heart has been pressed, cleaned and
+mended so often that it will barely hold together through the
+honeymoon.
+
+It seems so unreasonable of man to expect a woman to think straight,
+walk straight, or talk straight, considering that she was made from his
+rib--the crookedest bone in his body.
+
+Motto for a married man's den: "Others love your wife, why not _you_?"
+
+A man's idea of being perfectly loyal to a woman is to "think of her
+always"--even when he is kissing another woman.
+
+Love is just a glittering illusion with which we gild the hard, cold
+facts of life--until all the world seems bright and shining!
+
+Most men are so busy dodging one love affair that they step right back
+under the wheels of another, and are fatally mangled.
+
+A brave man is always ready to "face the music"--provided it isn't that
+old tune from Lohengrin.
+
+If married couples would show as much respect for one another's personal
+liberty, habits and preferences as they do for one another's
+toothbrushes, love's young dream would not so often turn into a
+nightmare. It is the Siamese twin existence they impose on themselves
+that drives them to distraction or destruction.
+
+A man kills time with a golf stick; a woman with a lip-stick.
+
+It is foolish to fancy that a man is thinking of proposing to you; a man
+never proposes to any woman, until he has gotten past "thinking."
+
+If a man would employ a little more commonsense before marriage and a
+little more _incense_ afterwards, matrimony would be more of an
+inspiration and less of a visitation.
+
+Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
+
+The man who takes a kiss "for granted" doesn't stand a chance beside the
+man who takes it before it is granted.
+
+Husband: A miniature volcano, constantly smoking, usually grumbling, and
+always liable to violent and unexpected eruptions.
+
+On the journey of matrimony, there are no garages where punctured
+illusions can be patched up, shattered ideals mended, and empty hearts
+refilled.
+
+Of course a man is not as jealous as a woman--because it's so hard for
+him to believe that a girl on whom he bestows himself could possibly
+wish for anything better.
+
+The making of a husband out of a mere man is not a sinecure; it's one of
+the highest plastic arts known to civilization.
+
+Before marriage a woman says sweetly, "I understand you!" After marriage
+she says coldly, "I see through you!"
+
+          Oh, what is so stupid as last year's song,
+            So foolish as last year's fashion,
+          So completely forgotten as last year's girl,
+            And so dead as a last year's passion?
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+OTHER BOOKS BY HELEN ROWLAND
+
+
+
+
+THE SAYINGS OF MRS. SOLOMON
+
+Being the confessions of the 700th wife. A book that is much appreciated
+and is destined to entertain Helen Rowland's fast growing audience for
+years to come.
+
+"Yet whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it all the days of his life."
+
+          From the Sayings of Mrs. Solomon
+
+
+REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL
+
+Clever, cynical and witty, with a philosophical trend that will
+entertain men and woman alike--the older ones--the younger ones. Read
+this book for a mirror likeness to yourself.
+
+Border decorations in color size 5 x 7-1/2.
+
+                     A Laugh on Every Page
+
+
+
+
+THE WIDOW (TO SAY NOTHING OF THE MAN)
+
+Here is a little book of delightful love stories, brimful of clever,
+witty epigrams. The Widow is--well, say that she is lovable--only more
+so; and the Man--read, know and love both.
+
+Illustrated bound in boards 4-1/2 x 7-1/4.
+
+
+RUBAIYAT OF A BACHELOR
+
+An exceedingly clever parody both in verses and illustrations. Every
+yearning, timorous bachelor should read and ponder; so, too, each
+damsel, read and--"then, in your mercy, Friend, forbear to smile."
+
+Illustrations and border decorations by Harold Speakman, attractively
+bound in cloth with inlay in color size 5-3/4 x 7-1/2.
+
+                        A Laugh on Every Page
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Page 7, "discoverd" changed to "discovered" (Who has discovered)
+
+Page 32, extraneous closing quote removed from text. Original read:
+"guide," philosopher and friend"
+
+Page 73, "Corespondence" changed to "Correspondence" (from the
+Correspondence)
+
+Text uses both caveman and cave-man, commonsense and common-sense,
+goodby and good-by.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland
+
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