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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 19:54:09 -0700 |
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diff --git a/30630-h/30630-h.htm b/30630-h/30630-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bed2d17 --- /dev/null +++ b/30630-h/30630-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3593 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + + p {margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + text-indent: 1.25em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + img {border: 0;} + .tnote {border: dashed 1px; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em;} + ins {text-decoration:none; border-bottom: thin dotted gray;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + .copyright {text-align: center; font-size: 70%;} + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: justify;} + .blockquot2{margin-left: 25%; margin-right: 25%; text-align: justify;} + .bbox {border: solid 2px; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .unindent {margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + .right {text-align: right;} + .poem {margin-left: 30%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left;} + .poem2 {margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left;} + .sig {margin-right: 10%; text-align: right;} + .quote2 {font-size: 200%; margin-top: .75em; margin-left: 18%; margin-right: 18%; + text-align: center; + margin-bottom: .75em;} + .quote3 {font-size: 300%; margin-top: .75em; margin-left: 18%; margin-right: 18%; + text-align: center; + margin-bottom: .75em;} + .quote4 {font-size: 200%; text-indent: -1em; margin-left: 5em; margin-top: 0; margin-right: 18%; + margin-bottom: 0;} + + table.quote {width: 600px; text-align: center; background-image: + url("images/quotepage.jpg"); background-repeat: no-repeat;} + .hang1 {text-indent: -3em; margin-left: 3em;} + .cap:first-letter {float: left; clear: left; margin: -0.2em 0.1em 0; margin-top: 0%; + padding: 0; line-height: .75em; font-size: 300%; text-align: justify;} + .cap {text-align: justify;} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Guide to Men + Being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor Girl + +Author: Helen Rowland + +Release Date: December 8, 2009 [EBook #30630] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A GUIDE TO MEN *** + + + + +Produced by Emmy, Tor Martin Kristiansen and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 415px;"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="415" height="600" alt="Cover" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 475px;"> +<img src="images/frontfacing_right.jpg" width="475" height="600" alt="Front cover and signature" title="" /> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span><br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span></p> +<h1>A GUIDE TO MEN</h1> + + +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> +<div class='quote3'> +A BACHELOR'S LIFE +IS ONE LONG +SOLO—USUALLY +A HYMN OF +THANKSGIVING<br /> +</div><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> + +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> +<h1> +A GUIDE TO<br /> +MEN +</h1> +<h3>BEING ENCORE<br /> +REFLECTIONS OF A<br /> +BACHELOR GIRL<br /></h3> + +<h2><i>by</i><br /> +HELEN<br /> +ROWLAND<br /><br /></h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 33px;"> +<img src="images/emblem.png" width="33" height="49" alt="Emblem" title="" /> +</div> +<div class='center'><br /><br /><br /> +PUBLISHED IN NEW YORK BY<br /> +DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY<br /> +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p> + +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + + +<div class='center'> +COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY DODGE<br /> +PUBLISHING COMPANY, NEW YORK<br /> +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p> + +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + + +<div class='center'> +To<br /> +FANNIE HURST<br /> +</div> + +<div class='blockquot2'>Who has <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'discoverd'">discovered</ins> the secret of how to be +happy, though wedded to an art and to a man +at the same time. +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + + + + + + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents"> +<tr><td align='left'>Foreword <i>by</i> Fannie Hurst</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_13">13</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Overture</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_17">17</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Prelude</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_19">19</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Refrain</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_21">21</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Bachelors</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>First Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>True Love—How to know it</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Variations</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_38">38</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Blondes</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_42">42</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Cymbals & Kettle-drums</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_44">44</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>What Every Woman Wonders</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_50">50</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Second Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_58">58</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span>Brides</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_63">63</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Syncopations</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_66">66</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Divorces</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_73">73</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Third Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_75">75</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Widows</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_81">81</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Improvisations</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_83">83</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Widowers</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_89">89</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Fourth Interlude</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_92">92</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Second Marriages</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_99">99</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Intermezzo</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_102">102</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Woman & Her Infinite Variety </td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_109">109</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Maxims of Cleopatra</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_112">112</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 4em;"><i>Finale</i></span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_118">118</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Curtain</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_125">125</a></td></tr> +</table></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p> +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> +<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2> + + + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="List of Illustrations"> +<tr><td align='left'>. . . and interrupts him.</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Places him on a pedestal . . .</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Married to a human being . . . </td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_63">63</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>In remembrance.</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_73">73</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Half a love . . .</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_81">81</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>You may polish him up . . .</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_89">89</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>A brand new sensation . . .</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_99">99</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>A man just crawls away . . .</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_109">109</a></td></tr> +</table></div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>FOREWORD</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>A SMALL phial, I doubt not, could contain the +attar of the epigrammatic literature of all +time. Few of the perfumes of this diminutive +form of wit and satire have survived. Pretty and +scented vaporings, most of the thousands and thousands +of them, that have died on the air of the foibles +of their day.</div> + +<p>Yet how the pungent ones can persist! The racy +old odors, which are as new as <i>now</i>, that still hover +about the political and amorous quips of the Greeks. +The nose-crinkling ones of the French, more vinegar-acrid +than perfumed, although a seventeenth-century +proverb calls France "a monarchy tempered +by epigrams." The didactic Teutonic ones, sharply +corrosive.</p> + +<p>The greatest evaporative of course of this form of +<i>bon mot</i> is mere cleverness. Wit is the attar which +endures. The wit of Pope and Catullus, Landor, +Voltaire, Rousseau and Wilde.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span></p> + +<p>That is what Rapin must have had in mind when +he said that a man ought to be content if he succeeded +in writing one really good epigram.</p> + +<p>Helen Rowland stands pleasantly impeached for +writing many. She has a whizz to her swiftly +cynical arrow that entitles her to a place in the +tournament.</p> + +<p>She is not merely anagrammatical, scorns the couplet +for the mere sake of the couplet, and has little +time for the smiting word at any price.</p> + +<p>In the entire history of epigrammatic expression +there are few if any whose fame rests solely upon +the brittle structure of the <i>bon mot</i>. Martial, about +whose brilliant brevities can scarcely be said to +hover the odor of sanctity, is, I suppose, remembered +solely as a wielder of the barbed word.</p> + +<p>Miss Rowland is balanced skilfully upon that same +slender trapeze, doing a very deft bow-and-arrow +act, her archery of a high order.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p> + +<p>She wields a wicked bow, a kindly bow, a swift, a +sure, a ductile bow.</p> + +<p>Matrimony is her favorite target (so was it Bombo's +and Herrick's and even political Parnell had his shot +at it) and her little winged arrows are often bitingly +pointed with philosophy, satire, wit and sometimes +just a touch of good old home-brew American +hokum.</p> + +<p>For this wise woman with the high-spirited bow +behind her arrow, these little pages speak eloquently.</p> + +<div class='sig'> +FANNIE HURST.<br /></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"> +<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>OVERTURE</h2> + + +<div class='poem'> +Would you your sweetheart's secret seek to spell?<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">There are so many little ways to tell!</span><br /> +A hair, perhaps, shall prove him false or true—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A single hair upon his coat lapel!</span><br /> +<br /><br /></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>PRELUDE</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>THE sweetest part of a kiss is the moment just +before taking.</div> + +<p>Love is misery—sweetened with imagination, +salted with tears, spiced with doubt, flavored with +novelty, and swallowed with your eyes shut.</p> + +<p>Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from +a pleasure into a duty, and a lie from a luxury into a +necessity.</p> + +<p>A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve +has been extracted.</p> + +<p>A man's heart is like a barber shop in which the +cry is always, "NEXT!"</p> + +<p>The discovery of rice-powder on his coat-lapel +makes a college-boy swagger, a bachelor blush, and +a married man tremble.</p> + +<p>It takes one woman twenty years to make a man +of her son—and another woman twenty minutes to +make a fool of him.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> + +<p>By the time a man has discovered that he is in love +with a woman, she is usually so fagged out waiting +for the phenomenon, that she is ready to topple +right over into his arms from sheer exhaustion.</p> + +<p>A man always asks for "just one kiss"—because he +knows that, if he can get that, the rest will come +without asking.</p> + +<p>Somehow, the moment a man has surrendered the +key of his heart to a woman, he begins to think +about changing the lock.</p> + +<p>There are only two ages, at which a man faces the +altar without a shudder; at twenty when he doesn't +know what's happening to him—and at eighty when +he doesn't care.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"> +<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div> + +<h2>THE REFRAIN</h2> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/illus-1.jpg" width="400" height="233" alt="Angel and demon" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class='poem'><div class='cap'> +THERE'S so much saint in the worst of them,<br /> +And so much devil in the best of them,<br /> +That a woman who's married to one of them,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Has nothing to learn of the rest of them.</span><br /><br /><br /> +</div> +</div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<div class='quote2'> +SOMEHOW, JUST AT +THE PSYCHOLOGICAL +MOMENT WHEN A +BACHELOR FANCIES +THAT HE IS GOING TO +DIE FOR LOVE OF A +WOMAN, ANOTHER +WOMAN ALWAYS COMES +ALONG AND INTERRUPTS +HIM <img src="images/decoration2.png" width="95" height="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" /> +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 346px;"> +<img src="images/illus-2.jpg" width="346" height="500" alt=". . . and interrupts him." title="" /> +<span class="caption">. . . and interrupts him.</span> +</div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>BACHELORS</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>THE modern bachelor is like a blotting pad; he +can soak up all the sentiment and flattery a +woman has to offer him, without ever spilling +a drop.</div> + +<p>A confirmed bachelor is so sure of his ability to +dodge, that he is willing to amuse every pretty girl +he meets, by handing her a rope and daring her to +catch him.</p> + +<p>A bachelor is a large body of egotism, completely +surrounded by caution and fortified at all points +by suspicion. His chief products are wild oats and +cynicism; his chief industry is dodging matrimony; +his undeviating policy "Protection!" and his watch-word, +"Give me liberty or give me death!"</p> + +<p>The average bachelor is so afraid of falling into +matrimony, nowadays, that he sprinkles the path +of love with ashes instead of with roses.</p> + +<p>The care with which a bachelor chaperones himself +would inspire even the duenna of a fashionable +boarding school with envy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> + +<p>A bachelor's idea of "safety first" consists in getting +tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid +getting tied up to one.</p> + +<p>He is an altruist who refrains from devoting himself +to one woman in order that he may scatter +sweetness and light amongst the multitude.</p> + +<p>There is nothing quite so intriguing to a bachelor +as flirting with the "<i>idea of marriage</i>"—with his +fingers crossed. He just loves to "consider marrying" +in the abstract and to go about pitying himself +for being so "lonely."</p> + +<p>There are three kinds of bachelors: the kind that +must be driven into matrimony with a whip; the +kind that must be coaxed with sugar; and the kind +that must be blindfolded and backed into the shafts.</p> + +<p>If you want to be chosen to brighten a bachelor's +life, first make it dark and dreary; so long as women +are willing to make his existence one long sweet +song, naturally he isn't anxious to exchange it for +a lullaby.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> + +<p>When a man actually asks a girl to marry him in +these days of bachelor comforts and the deification +of single-blessedness, she has a revelation of human +unselfishness that stands as the eighth wonder of +the world.</p> + +<p>That tired expression on a bachelor's face is not +so often the result of brain-fag from an overworked +mind as of heart-fag from overworking the emotions.</p> + +<p>Lovers look at life through rose-colored curtains; +old bachelors see it through a fog.</p> + +<p>Somehow, a bachelor never quite gets over the idea +that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever!</p> + +<p>A bachelor fancies that it is his wonderful sixty-horse +will-power that keeps him from marrying, +whereas it is nothing but his little one-horse <i>won't-power</i>.</p> + +<p>One consolation in marrying a bachelor over forty +is that he has fought so long and so hard to escape +the hook that there is no more fight left in him.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> + +<p>Never give up hope as long as a bachelor declares +definitely, "No woman can <i>get</i> me!" Wait until +he is so sure of his immunity that he sighs regretfully, +"No woman will <i>have</i> me!"</p> + +<p>The "vicious circle" in a bachelor's opinion, is the +platinum one on a woman's third finger.</p> + +<p>A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot +of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + + +<h2>FIRST INTERLUDE</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>IN the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns—and +turns—and turns!</div> + +<p>There are lots of "sure cures" for love, but the +quickest and surest is—<i>another love</i>.</p> + +<p>If there were only two women and one man in the +world, the man would marry the brunette and then +spend the rest of his life peeping over her shoulder +and trying to flirt with the blonde.</p> + +<p>A woman always embalms the corpse of a dead +love; a man wisely cremates it, and plants a new +love in the ashes.</p> + +<p>A fool and her money are soon courted.</p> + +<p>A woman's pity for a man who loves her against +her will may be akin to love; but a man's pity +for a woman who loves him without his permission +is a twin brother to boredom.</p> + +<p>Marriage is the miracle which affords a woman a +chance to gratify her vanity, pacify her family, mortify +her rivals, and electrify her friends, all at the +same time. Marriage is sweet!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> + +<p>Love is what incites the caveman to drag a woman +around by the hair and makes the civilized man +permit a woman to drag <i>him</i> around by the nose.</p> + +<p>The heart of a woman is a secret sanctuary where +she is constantly burning incense and candles before +a succession of idols of clay.</p> + +<p>Nowadays, a man's faith in women and heaven +seems to disappear with his milk-teeth and to reappear +again with his false teeth.</p> + +<p>To most men "repentance" is merely the interval +between the headache and the next temptation.</p> + +<p>Most bachelors regard the "flower of love" as a +species of poison ivy.</p> + +<p>Even Satan could find a woman to call him +"Dearie," if he would simply tell her that all he +needed was "a beautiful woman's uplifting influence."</p> + +<p>A man may be guilty of stealing a girl's heart, but +he always feels hurt and indignant if she refuses to +take it back again after he has finished with it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p> + +<p>Woman's love—a mirror in which a man beholds +himself glorified, magnified and deified.</p> + +<p>Always try to be the "guiding star" of a man's life, +but never make the mistake of fancying that you +are his whole planetary system.</p> + +<p>A woman must keep her conscience, her complexion +and her reputation snow-white. But a man is satisfied +if he can just manage to keep his so that they +comply with the pure food laws.</p> + +<p>Art is inspiring, but you can't run your fingers +through its hair; a career is absorbing, but you can't +tie ribbons on the curls of your brain-children; +work is ennobling, but, alas, it hasn't got a shoulder +to cry on!</p> + +<p>When a girl refuses to kiss a man he is never disconcerted; +he is merely astonished that she could +be so blind to her own feelings.</p> + +<p>A summer resort is a place where a girl spends half +her time in making herself alluring—and the other +half in yearning for something to "lure."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p> + +<p>When a girl marries a man she is sadly aware that +all his old sweethearts are wondering <i>how</i> she did +it, and that all her old sweethearts are wondering +<i>why</i>.</p> + +<p>Marriage will never be safe until we stop making it +an "ideal" and begin trying to make it a square deal.</p> + +<p>Just before marriage a man's coat lapel acquires +that grayish look which comes from the constant +contact with face powder, but it's wonderful how +soon it brightens up and gets back its natural color +after the wedding.</p> + +<p>Love is like appendicitis; you never know when nor +how it is going to strike you—the only difference +being that, after one attack of appendicitis, your +curiosity is perfectly satisfied.</p> + +<p>No matter how many men have tried to flirt with +her, a girl will step cheerfully up to the altar in +the firm belief that she has found the one perfect +human being in trousers who will never look at +another woman.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p> + +<p>After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen +that she can see right through her husband without +looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look +right through his wife without seeing her.</p> + +<p>A man recuperates so much more quickly from his +remorse than a woman does from her indignation +that by the time she has forgiven him he is tired of +being good and ready to sin again.</p> + +<p>Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake +all night thinking about something you said; after +marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying +it.</p> + +<p>A man can never understand how a woman gets so +much joy out of leading him all the way to the +threshold of love and then sweetly closing the door +in his face.</p> + +<p>Solitaire—the married woman's game.</p> + +<p>A man's greatest conquest is self-conquest; his +greatest possession, self-possession; and his greatest +love—Oh, well, you fill in the rest.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who +flirts with him wants him to kiss her—when, nine +times out of ten, she only wants him to <i>want</i> to +kiss her?</p> + +<p>Plunging into a hasty marriage in order to escape +from a foolish entanglement is like rushing under +a trolley car in order to escape from a taxicab.</p> + +<p>Nowadays a girl's favorite way of committing suicide +for love of a man, is to marry him and worry +herself to death over him.</p> + +<p>A good wife is always her husband's "guide, +philosopher and friend"; also his guardian, digestion, +conscience, time-table and valet.</p> + +<p>A man never knows how to say goodby; a woman +never knows <i>when</i> to say it.</p> + +<p>A woman's greatest "right" is the right husband.</p> + +<p>A woman might forgive a man for all his sins; it's +that stained-glass attitude with which he decides to +"give them up" when he is tired of them that exasperates +her so.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p> + +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> +<div class='quote2'>A MAN DOESN'T WANT +A WIFE WHO PLACES +HIM ON A PEDESTAL +OR KEEPS HIM ON A +FOOTSTOOL, BUT ONE +WHO WILL TAKE HIM +AS A MERE MAN—AND +LET HIM GO ON BEING +"MERE" <img src="images/decoration3.png" width="167" height="25" alt="Three Leaves" title="" /> +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 364px;"><br /><br /> +<img src="images/illus-3.jpg" width="364" height="500" alt="Places him on a pedestal . . ." title="" /> +<span class="caption">Places him on a pedestal . . .</span> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>TRUE LOVE—HOW TO KNOW IT</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>TRUE LOVE is nothing but friendship, highly +intensified, flavored with sentiment, spiced +with passion, and sprinkled with the stardust +of romance.</div> + +<p>True Love can be no deeper than your capacity for +friendship, no higher than your ideals, and no +broader than the scope of your vision.</p> + +<p>True Love, in the cave man, is expressed by a desire +to beat a woman, and to pull her around by the hair.</p> + +<p>True Love, in the Broadwayite, is expressed by an +insatiable craving to <i>buy things</i> for a woman.</p> + +<p>True Love, in a husband, is expressed by his willingness +to give his wife anything, from the tenderest +piece of steak to a divorce, if it will make her +happy.</p> + +<p>True Love, in any man, is the essence of unselfishness; +and the most selfish thing in the world. It +is the selfishness that transcends selfishness; the +vanity that puts egotism in the shade.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span></p> + +<p>True Love, in a bachelor, is exemplified by his +willingness to marry a woman—against all his instincts, +his sense of self-preservation, and his better +judgment.</p> + +<p>True Love, in a born flirt, is evidenced by his inability +to think of any <i>other woman</i>, while he is +kissing a particular one.</p> + +<p>True Love, in an author, is demonstrated by his +self-restraint, in refusing to make "copy" out of a +love affair.</p> + +<p>True Love, in a college boy, is expressed by his +ability to think of somebody besides himself for a +whole hour at a time.</p> + +<p>It is the flash of light, by which one sees clearly +that to do for another, give to another, and sacrifice +for another, will get one the most happiness out of +life.</p> + +<p>True Love, in the poet, is expressed in soul kisses, +and by his inability to do any work for days at a +time.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p> + +<p>We speak of "falling in love," as though it were a +pit or an abyss; but True Love is the light on the +mountain-top, to which we must eternally climb.</p> + +<p>True Love is a relic of the Victorian Age.</p> + +<p>It still exists, here and there, like the buffalo; but +in the face of eugenics, feminism, and the growing +masculine determination not to marry, it may some +day have to take a place beside the Dinosaurus in +the Public Museum.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="Decoration" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>VARIATIONS</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>FLIRTATION is a duel in which the combatants +cross lies, sighs and eyes—and the +coolest heart wins.</div> + +<p>Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the +imagination and bottling the common-sense.</p> + +<p>In the medley of love a man's soul sings a sonata, +while his heart plays a waltz and his pulse beats to +rag-time.</p> + +<p>Better be a strong man's "rib" than a weak man's +"backbone."</p> + +<p>True love isn't the kind that endures through long +years of absence, but the kind that endures through +long years of propinquity.</p> + +<p>A man seldom thinks of marrying when he meets +his ideal woman; he waits until he gets the marrying +fever and then idealizes the first woman he +happens to meet.</p> + +<p>Love is what tempts a man to tell foolish lies to a +woman and a woman to tell the fool truth to a man.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p> + +<p>It took seven hundred guesses for Solomon to find +out what kind of a wife he wanted; and even then +he seems to have had his doubts.</p> + +<p>The only thing more astonishing than the length +of time a man's love will subsist on nothing is the +celerity with which it is surfeited the moment it +has any encouragement to feed on.</p> + +<p>Even when a man knows that he wants to marry +a woman, she has to prove it to him with a diagram +before he is really convinced of it.</p> + +<p>A man is so apt to mistake his love of experiment +for love of a woman that half the time he doesn't +know which is which.</p> + +<p>Why is it that a man never thinks he has tasted +the cup of joy unless he has splashed it all over himself, +as though it were his morning bath?</p> + +<p>A man is so versatile that he can read his newspaper +with one set of brain-cells while he carries +on a conversation with his wife with another set.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span></p> + +<p>A girl hides her emotions under a veil of modesty, +a spinster under a cloak of cynicism, a wife under +a mantle of tact, and a widow under a cloud of +mystery—and then women wonder why they are +"misunderstood."</p> + +<p>Proposing is a sort of acrobatic feat, in which a man +must hang on to his nerve with one hand and to the +girl with the other. If he lets go of either, he is +lost.</p> + +<p>In love, as in poker, men play just to <i>play</i>—and +then proceed to throw away what has been easily +won, without any thought of its value. Thus +gamblers so often die in poverty and Lotharios in +loneliness.</p> + +<p>Nowadays, a truly chivalrous girl will "lie like a +lady" in order to protect a trusting man's vanity.</p> + +<p>The woman who fascinates a man is not the one +who looks up to him as the sun of her existence, +but the one who merely looks down on him as one +of the footlights.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></p> + +<p>Don't doubt a man when he says, "I never loved +like <i>this</i> before." Each time a man falls in love +with so much more ease and facility that he doesn't +recognize it as the same old emotion at all.</p> + +<p>The first time a man lies to his wife he is surprised +to discover how easy it is to do it. After that he +is surprised to find out how hard it is <i>not</i> to do it.</p> + +<p>A man always speaks of having "given" his heart +to a woman as though he had done something generous +and noble; whereas, nine times out of ten, she +probably had to wrench it from him.</p> + +<p>About the only things in connection with his wife +for which a man shows any respect after a few +years of marriage are her reputation and her toothbrush.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"> +<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>BLONDES</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>NEXT to a mouse or a rich widow, there is +nothing on earth that a normal girl dreads so +much as a blonde.</div> + +<p>No matter how many brunettes a man may have +married from time to time you can always be perfectly +sure that there has been a blonde in his life.</p> + +<p>A woman with dark hair and eyes may make men +admire her, but in order to make one of them +<i>propose</i> she must blondine her temperament down +to the roots.</p> + +<p>The dusky Cleopatra may have succeeded in making +fools of a few men, but it took a dizzy little +blonde like Helen of Troy to make a lot of men +make fools of <i>themselves</i>.</p> + +<p>In order to be popular with men, in these days, a +brunette must be either brilliant, interesting, rich +or beautiful; but a blonde doesn't have to be anything +but a <i>blonde</i>.</p> + +<p>You may fight a brunette, dearie, as woman to +woman, but when you fight a blonde you fight a +cherished masculine tradition.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is it that in all the novels and motion picture +plays the vampires and adventuresses have dark +hair and black eyes, while the innocent, persecuted +angels are all blondes—whereas in real life it is +always the other way 'round.</p> + +<p>Generally speaking, there are two kinds of blondes: +blondes by birth and blondes by preference. These +are subdivided into golden blondes, diamond +blondes, strawberry blondes—and undecided +blondes; that is, those who have not yet decided +on their favorite shade.</p> + +<p>Sometimes illness turns a woman's hair gray, and +sometimes it merely turns it dark at the roots. A +little peroxide is a treacherous thing!</p> + +<p>All this talk about the "yellow peril" is nonsense. +There is no more danger in permitting your husband +to employ a pretty blonde stenographer than +there is in throwing a lighted match into the wastebasket.</p> + +<p>When love flies out of the window the tame cat and +the sympathetic blonde tip-toe in by opposite doors.</p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div><h2>CYMBALS AND KETTLE-DRUMS</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>THIS is the great masculine question: Whether +it is better to marry and live in the constant +fear of one woman's frown or to stay single +and live in deadly fear of every woman's smile.</div> + +<p>"Conscience doth make cowards of us all"—but not +until we've emptied the bottle, tired of the flirtation +and gotten our money's worth out of the game.</p> + +<p>Marriage—A souvenir of love.</p> + +<p>Wanted: A wife who can broil a steak with one +hand, powder her nose with the other, rock the +cradle with her foot and accompany herself on the +harp. (<i>Signed</i>) <span class="smcap">Everyman</span>.</p> + +<p>When the girls admire him a young man takes it +as a matter of course; but when a widow selects +him for her attention he thrills with the knowledge +that he is being stamped with the approval of a +connoisseur.</p> + +<p>Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay +down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't +even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p> + +<p>If Achilles' only vulnerable spot was in his heel, +then his vanity must have gone to his feet, instead +of to his head.</p> + +<p>You can't expect a woman to accomplish much in +this life, since she is busy every minute of it either +trying to <i>get</i> some man, trying to <i>get along with</i> +one, or trying to <i>get rid of</i> one.</p> + +<p>A man's wife is something like his teeth: He never +thinks of her unless she happens to bother him.</p> + +<p>Life is a tale that is "told": the monk tells his +beads, the seer tells fortunes, the lover tells lies—and +a woman tells everything.</p> + +<p>To collect books is a sign of culture, to collect jewels +a sign of wealth, but to collect husbands is a sign +of paresis.</p> + +<p>A modern bachelor makes love with his hand on his +pulse and his eye on the clock.</p> + +<p>Oh yes, there is a vast difference between the savage +and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to +their wives until after breakfast.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p> + +<p>A sympathetic woman is like a rose which a man +wears over his heart; a stupid woman is like a cabbage +which he keeps in his kitchen; but a merely +"clever" woman is like a dahlia—he knows he ought +to admire her, but he had just as lief do so from a +distance.</p> + +<p>While a woman is weeping over the ghost of a dead +love in the graveyard of memory, a man is usually +off pursuing a lot of little new loves in the garden +of forgetfulness.</p> + +<p>Life is like a poem or a story; the most important +thing about it is not that it should be long, but that +it should be beautiful and interesting.</p> + +<p>The older a woman gets the more trusting she becomes; +at twenty a man can feed her only diluted +flattery; but at forty she can swallow it, straight, +without a quiver.</p> + +<p>No girl who is going to marry need bother to win +a college degree; she just naturally becomes a "Master +of Arts" and a "Doctor of Philosophy" after +catering to an ordinary man for a few years.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> + +<p>The average man takes all the natural taste out of +his food by covering it with ready-made sauces, and +all the personality out of a woman by covering +her with his ready-made ideals.</p> + +<p>Heaven is <i>not</i> a mythical place. It can be found +right down in the heart of the man who has found +the work he loves and the woman he loves.</p> + +<p>An ideal lover is one with such a keen dramatic +instinct that he can convince himself of his sincerity—even +when he knows that he is lying.</p> + +<p>Love is a matter of chance; matrimony a matter of +money, and divorce—a matter of course.</p> + +<p>Adam was the first man to "misunderstand" a +woman.</p> + +<p>A man is like a park squirrel; if you fling your +favors or your charms at his head he will never +come up and eat out of your hand.</p> + +<p>What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the +mental action that follows a sentimental reaction +after too much wine or love.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> + +<p>In the School of Love, a man is forever just taking +up a brand new "study" and discovering that all the +old loves were nothing but "preparatory practice."</p> + +<p>The eugenic idea of choosing a husband would be +perfectly lovely, only that a husband isn't a matter +of choice, but of chance, accident or blind luck.</p> + +<p>Love is woman's eternal spring, man's eternal fall.</p> + +<p>It isn't beauty, and it isn't cleverness, and it isn't +clothes that make a particular woman fascinating. +It is just a sort of magnetic current which seems to +run around her and set her eyes a-twinkling—and +a man's heart tingling.</p> + +<p>It is utterly useless to tell a man the honest truth. +That is the last thing on earth which a man ever +tells a woman—so of course it's the last thing on +earth which he ever expects to hear from her.</p> + +<p>The average man, like "all Gaul," is divided into +three parts: his vanity, his digestion and his ambition. +Cater to the first, guard the second and stimulate +the third—and his love will take care of itself.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> + +<p>There is no such tonic for a man's nerve as a +capricious wife and no such softener for his backbone +as a self-sacrificing one.</p> + +<p>A man can sit in the moonlight and talk "New +Thought" to a pretty girl and at the same time look +right into her eyes with all the old, old ones.</p> + +<p>Bohemia is an oasis in the desert of life where only +the rich-in-dreams may go and only the poor-in-purse +may stay.</p> + +<p>There is no way of two people really knowing each +other until after they are married and have to share +the same dollar, the same table, the same newspaper +and the same chiffonier.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"> +<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>WHAT EVERY WOMAN WONDERS</h2> + + +<div class='poem2'><div class='cap'> +THERE are gardens full of flowers that I feared to pluck.<br /> +There are eyes full of promises that I dared not believe.<br /> +There are lips full of sweetness, from which I turned away.<br /> +I wonder if Paradise holds anything for me, one-half so beautiful<br /> +As the joys I have renounced for its sake!<br /> +</div></div> + +<p>A man's life is like a musical comedy; there is +always one woman in it who is the star—but it +takes ninety-nine others to make up the "ensemble."</p> + +<p>Nothing so annoys a man as to have a woman +"cheer him up," when he is enjoying the exquisite +luxury of feeling sorry for himself.</p> + +<p>The modern girl's "perfect candor" has taken the +sin out of sincerity—and most of the sweet scent +out of the flower of sentiment. Without the Serpent, +the Garden of Eden would seem a dull old +place to most men.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p> + +<p>Love is neither a bonfire, nor a kitchen-fire; but an +altar-fire, to be kept burning forever with prayer +and reverence.</p> + +<p>In the language of love, "Forever!" means for quite +a little while and "Never!" means not until next +season.</p> + +<p>"A fool there was, and he made his prayer"—to two +women on the same party wire.</p> + +<p>Love is a matter of give and take—marriage, a matter +of misgive and mistake.</p> + +<p>Even a fool knows enough to laugh at a man's +joke—but only a born Siren knows enough to hang +onto his coat-lapel and beg him to "Tell it again!"</p> + +<p>Some men are born for matrimony, some achieve +matrimony—but most of them are merely poor +dodgers.</p> + +<p>There are many times when a woman would gladly +drop her husband, if she did not feel morally certain +that some other woman would come right along +and pick him up.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p> + +<p>Alas! In choosing a husband, it seems that you've +always got to decide between something tame and +uninteresting, like a gold-fish, and something wild +and fascinating, like a mountain goat.</p> + +<p>Perhaps the first time a young man actually realizes +that he is married is when he catches himself looking +at other women with that strange, new, wistful +sort of interest.</p> + +<p>It is at once the mission and the punishment of the +flirt to go through life tapping the hearts of men, +that they may overflow—for other women.</p> + +<p>The sweetest things in a woman's life are her "yesterdays"—the +sweetest things in a man's life are +his "tomorrows."</p> + +<p>The man who is fondly looking for a perfect angel +almost invariably ends by marrying some little devil +who knows how to persuade him that her horns are +merely the signs of a budding halo.</p> + +<p>Woman is to most men what "heart-failure" is to +the doctors—something that it is always convenient +to blame any old thing on.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p> + +<p>"The mind has a thousand eyes—the heart but +one!"—and that usually goes fast asleep, after marriage.</p> + +<p>Philosophy is the only kind of "sweetening" with +which to make life palatable.</p> + +<p>Estimated from a wife's experience, the average +man spends fully one-quarter of his life in looking +for his shoes.</p> + +<p>An "idealist" is a man who is content to worship +a woman from afar—and let some gross, unselfish +materialist marry her and support her.</p> + +<p>Changing husbands is about as satisfactory as +changing a bundle from one hand to the other; it +gives you only temporary relief.</p> + +<p>France may claim the happiest marriages in the +world, but the happiest divorces in the world are +"made in America."</p> + +<p>No doubt, even Solomon told each of his 700 wives +that he had merely <i>thought</i> he loved the others, +but that <i>she</i> was the only girl he "ever really cared +for" in just that way.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span></p> + +<p>Love is what makes a man appear blissfully happy, +when a woman is mussing up the precious wisp of +hair across his bald spot.</p> + +<p>Love is what makes a woman laugh delightedly +when a man is telling her for the second time, a +story which she knew by heart before he told it to +her the first time.</p> + +<p>All this "sex-antagonism" must have started when +Adam brought in the first rabbit and ordered Eve +to make it into Chicken-a-la-King.</p> + +<p>When a man takes a notion to marry, he doesn't +start following it up—he merely stops running +away.</p> + +<p>A woman is young until the light dies out of her +last lover's eyes.</p> + +<p>Whenever a pretty girl runs her fingers through +his hair, a cautious bachelor can't help thinking of +what happened to Samson.</p> + +<p>Success in flirtation, as in gambling, consists in +"getting out of the game" at the psychological moment +before your luck begins to turn.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p> + +<p>Being a husband's "economic equal" may be awfully +noble and advanced; but it usually means being all +of his ribs and most of his vertebrae.</p> + +<p>Men have been classified as "what women marry." +They have two feet, two hands and sometimes two +wives—but never more than one collar-button or +one idea at a time.</p> + +<p>When a man says, "Nobody understands me," don't +fancy he is suffering. He is merely trying to let +you know, in a modest way, that he is a profound, +fascinating mystery.</p> + +<p>A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, +demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the +fifth—and endures all the rest of them.</p> + +<p>After two years, an engagement doesn't need to be +broken; it just naturally sags in the middle and +comes apart.</p> + +<p>Eve had as much choice in the matter of a husband +as any other woman. She merely accepted what +fate sent her, and pretended to have gotten her +"ideal."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p> + +<p>It is not much comfort to be able to keep your husband's +material body in the house evenings, when +his astral body keeps wandering off to the club, +every few minutes.</p> + +<p>In love, sweet are the uses of diversity!</p> + +<p>A woman's love "bursts into flower," but judging +from the time it takes him to discover it, a man's +love must be developed by the wearisome process of +geological formation.</p> + +<p>If a man and a diamond are big and brilliant +enough, one doesn't mind a few flaws in them; but, +for some reason, Heaven knows why, a woman and +a pearl are expected to be absolutely perfect.</p> + +<p>When Fate places a laurel wreath on the brow of +a genius she hitches a plough to his shoulders and +holds a Tantalus cup to his lips.</p> + +<p>It isn't the man who paints his virtues in three +colors and begs her to marry him, but the one who +paints his sins in vermilion and begs her to "save" +him who usually wins the girl.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> + +<p>If you want a man to propose don't try to make +your family coddle him. Make them hate him, +because a man never really "takes hold" until somebody +begins to pull the other way.</p> + +<p>The man who falls in love at first sight never knows +what has struck him, and therefore mercifully escapes +all the agonizing slow-torture of feeling himself +sink, inch by inch, into the quicksands of +matrimony.</p> + +<p>Never believe that justice is all you owe your husband; +what every man needs, from the woman who +loves him, is faith, hope and charity—and above +all, <i>mercy</i>.</p> + +<p>Even a coquette can be loyal to one man—until she +prefers another; but a man's heart is like a ferry-boat—always +going backward and forward, and +never staying "docked."</p> + +<p>Soft, sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing—that +is what a little boy loves to eat and a grown +man prefers to marry.</p> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + +<h2>SECOND INTERLUDE</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>TO find your mate—that is luck; to know him +when you find him—that is inspiration; to +win him when you know him—that is art; +and to keep him when you've won him—that is a +<i>miracle</i>.</div> + +<p>A woman wastes more time in dreaming over a past +flirtation than it would take a man to start a half +dozen new ones.</p> + +<p>Flattery affects a man like any other sort of "dope." +It stimulates and exhilarates him for the moment, +but usually ends by going to his head and making +him act foolish.</p> + +<p>The only way to be happy in this world is to take +men and flirtations as they come—and <i>let them go</i> +as they go.</p> + +<p>Almost any straight path of devotion will lead to +a woman's heart. It's this zigzagging from sentiment +to cold fear and from adoration to self-preservation, +that makes the way so long and dangerous +for the average man.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> + +<p>Solomon may have been the most famous <i>husband</i> +who ever lived, but as a <i>hero</i> he isn't in it with the +man who manages to get along happily and contentedly +all through life with just <i>one</i> wife!</p> + +<p>Woman! The peg on which the wit hangs his jest, +the preacher his text, the cynic his grouch, and the +sinner his justification!</p> + +<p>Everybody seems to be going through life at automobile +speed nowadays; but alas, there are no sentimental +garages by Life's wayside at which we +may obtain a fresh supply of emotions, purchase a +new thrill or patch up an exploded ideal.</p> + +<p>A man's work lasts from sun to sun, but his excuses +for staying late at the office are never done.</p> + +<p>Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better +side, his nobler instincts and his higher nature—and +another woman to help him forget them.</p> + +<p>Never rush into a love affair. Love is a waiting +game, which requires nerve, concentration, and a +poker face.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> + +<p>The average man marries one woman just in order +to escape from a lot of others—and then flirts with +a lot of others just in order to forget that he is +married to one.</p> + +<p>Once a girl's heart beat faster at the sound of her +sweetheart's footstep on the garden path; but now +it requires the hum of a twelve-cylinder motor-car +to rouse her from her lassitude.</p> + +<p>The one thing about love-making that the modern +man simply can't understand is that, in order to +make it thrilling and interesting, he must really put +a little <i>love</i> in it.</p> + +<p>In the war of the sexes a woman hides her scars +of battle beneath a smile and a coat of rouge. A +man goes about displaying his as proudly as though +they were medals.</p> + +<p>Occasionally one meets a man who plunges into a +love affair as he plunges into the surf, but most of +them just sit back lazily on the beach and let the +waves of emotion splash harmlessly over them.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p> +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<div class='quote2'> +THE GREATEST SHOCK +A TEMPERAMENTAL +WOMAN CAN RECEIVE +IS TO WAKE UP AND +FIND THAT SHE IS +MARRIED TO A HUMAN +BEING INSTEAD OF AN +IDEAL <img src="images/decoration3.png" width="167" height="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" /> +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 341px;"> +<img src="images/illus-4.jpg" width="341" height="500" alt="Married to a human being . . ." title="" /> +<span class="caption">Married to a human being . . .</span> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div><h2>BRIDES</h2> + +<h3>"NEVERS" FOR THE "RIB."</h3> + + +<div class='cap'>NEVER ask him to kiss you. Make your kisses +a privilege, not a duty; a luxury, not a morning +and evening "chore."</div> + +<p>Never refuse to kiss him—but sometimes keep him +waiting a little while. Love thrives so much better +on the stimulant of suspense than on the anaesthetic +of memory.</p> + +<p>Never question him about his past love affairs. It +is not the women he <i>has loved</i>, but those he <i>has +not yet loved</i>, who will bother you.</p> + +<p>Never fling your old flames in his face. If you do +he will soon cease to be jealous of the men you +"might have married" and begin to <i>envy</i> them.</p> + +<p>Never accuse him of being less ardent than he was +before he married you. Many a husband would +never discover that he was no longer madly in love, +if his wife did not keep constantly reminding him +of it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span></p> + +<p>Never chide him for the same fault more than once.</p> + +<p>A man can become so accustomed to the thought +of his own faults that he will begin to cherish them +as charming little "personal characteristics."</p> + +<p>Never refer to your own defects. A man always +accepts a woman at her own valuation; and he +doesn't prize anything that advertises herself as a +"second."</p> + +<p>Never laugh at him. Woman is supposed to be the +only human joke and man the only laughing animal—except +the hyena.</p> + +<p>Never <i>cry</i> before him. A woman's tears soon wash +all the color out of a man's love; after the third +deluge they have no power to move him—except to +move him out of the house.</p> + +<p>Never threaten him, scold him nor argue with him. +<i>Act!</i> A woman's arguments affect a man as water +does a cat. He simply waits for them to dry up—and +then he goes out and does as he pleases.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span></p> + +<p>Never doubt his word—even when you <i>know</i> he is +<i>lying</i>. A husband is like religion: to give you any +real comfort, he must be taken with blind faith.</p> + +<p>Never put him on a leash. The dog or the husband +that has to be tied is always the one that eventually +has to be advertised in the "lost" columns.</p> + +<p>Never forget that marriage should be a privilege, +not a prison; home a refectory, not a reformatory; +and wives jolliers, and not jailers.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div><h2>SYNCOPATIONS</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>A "SOUL-MATE" is seldom the siren who +manages to drive a man to distraction, but +just the sympathetic little thing who always +happens to come along when he is <i>looking for +distraction</i>.</div> + +<p>Hanging on a man's word may flatter him, but +hanging on his neck merely frightens him.</p> + +<p>Every gay dog has his day—after.</p> + +<p>One may be loved forever! It is the vain desire to +go on being a "heart-breaker" after one's flirting +days are over that constitutes the real tragedy of +age.</p> + +<p>A man regards a woman's love first as an unattainable +dream, then as a boon, then as a blessing, then +as a right, then as a matter-of-course—and, last, as +a punishment.</p> + +<p>A man's idea of "preserving the unities" is to find +out what side of an argument his wife is on, and +then take the other side, in order to keep it from +sagging.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span></p> + +<p>After a bachelor's heart has been patched up, cut +down and remodeled to fit the romantic ideal of one +girl after another, there is seldom enough of it left +to go all the way around the honeymoon.</p> + +<p>There is no question of degree in matrimony. You +can be a little bit in love or a little bit ill; but you +can't be a little bit married or a little bit dead.</p> + +<p>Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, +an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature +in a married man.</p> + +<p>If your husband is wrapped up in his work from +9 A.M. to 6 P.M. you needn't bother to investigate +his morals. Satan wouldn't waste his talents trying +to tempt a man with so little time and energy for +the devil's business.</p> + +<p>You can't argue, frighten or nag a man into loving +you just because he "ought to"—because, dearie, +love is not exactly a man's feeling for a thought-censor, +a creditor or a critic-on-the-hearth.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span></p> + +<p>There are more ways of killing a man's love than +by strangling it to death—but that's the usual way.</p> + +<p>In matters of the heart most men are still in a state +of barbarism, slightly tempered by woman.</p> + +<p>A man is never old until his spirit is worn out, his +rosy hopes have turned gray, his illusions have +faded and he has wrinkles on his heart.</p> + +<p>An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his +pockets full of money, his digestion in good condition +and his wife in the country.</p> + +<p>Every time a man hits a woman's vanity he makes +a dent in her love.</p> + +<p>A man's first lie wounds a woman's heart, the second +breaks it, the third mends it, and all the rest +simply harden it.</p> + +<p>Dissimulation is the price of peace—but it's awfully +hard for a married woman to preserve the peace by +deceiving her husband into thinking that he is deceiving +her, every time he tries.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span></p> + +<p>Of course men are not so suspicious as women. A +woman in love would be jealous of a store dummy; +but how can a man possibly suspect that any girl +on whom he may bestow himself could ever think +of anybody else?</p> + +<p>A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman +interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him—but +the considerate woman <i>gets</i> him.</p> + +<p>There never was a man too nearsighted to see the +look of admiration in a pretty woman's eyes.</p> + +<p>WIFE: The woman from whom a man failed to +escape and to whom he complacently refers as "the +little woman <i>I married</i>."</p> + +<p>MARRIAGE: The intermission between the wedding +and the divorce.</p> + +<p>WEDDING: The point at which a man stops +toasting a woman and begins roasting her.</p> + +<p>Most girls, nowadays, would give a lot for a few +solid vows, a few unshrinkable signs of devotion and +a really convincing kiss.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span></p> + +<p>It isn't a husband's disinclination to listen to his +wife's conversation, but that "I-am-ready-to-bear-with-you" +expression with which he does it that +grates on her nerves so.</p> + +<p>The average man has so much heart that he apparently +thinks it a pity to waste it all on one +woman.</p> + +<p>Alas! Why is it that when your cup of happiness +is full <i>somebody</i> always jogs your elbow!</p> + +<p>Never judge a man's love by the ardor of his first +kiss, nor by the tenderness of his second, but by +the eagerness with which he seeks the third.</p> + +<p>When it comes to making love, a girl can always +listen so much faster than a man can talk.</p> + +<p>If nothing but their heart-strings became entangled, +people would not find the marriage tie so binding; +it is a man's purse-strings and a woman's apron-strings +that really form the Gordian knot.</p> + +<p>In love, a man loses first his head, then his vanity, +then his poise—and, last of all, his heart.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span></p> + +<p>It is much more comfortable to be considered a +"little devil" and get a credit mark every time you +do anything right, than to be considered an "angel" +and get a black mark every time you do anything +human.</p> + +<p>Love is a game at which a woman must play +against stacked cards, and without the slightest +inkling of the trump.</p> + +<p>A woman's last resort is henna—a man's Gehenna.</p> + +<p>To a woman marriage is the beginning of life; to +a man it is the end of "liberty and the pursuit of +happiness."</p> + +<p>Perfect wife: That which a married man always +fancies he might have gotten if he had kept on +experimenting a little longer.</p> + +<p>Why is it that, no matter how much a man thinks +of one girl, he can't help thinking of a lot of others +at the same time?</p> + +<p>Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be +satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand +new place.</p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span></p> +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<div class='quote2'> +IT IS QUITE CORRECT +TO SEND YOUR FORMER +HUSBAND A GIFT ON +THE ANNIVERSARY OF +YOUR DIVORCE, IN REMEMBRANCE +OF "THE +MANY HAPPY DAYS +WHICH YOU HAVE +SPENT—APART" <img src="images/decoration2.png" width="95" height="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" /> +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 347px;"> +<img src="images/illus-5.jpg" width="347" height="500" alt="In remembrance." title="" /> +<span class="caption">In remembrance.</span> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div><h2>DIVORCES</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>LOVE, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, +the inquest.</div> + +<p>Most marriages, nowadays, seem built for speed +rather than for endurance.</p> + +<p>A divorcée is one who has graduated from the <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Corespondence'">Correspondence</ins> +School of Experience.</p> + +<p>Marriage, according to the merry Widow-reno, is +a "perfectly lovely experience to have <i>had!</i>"</p> + +<p>Grass Widow: The angel whom a man loved, the +human being he married, and the devil he divorced.</p> + +<p>Most actresses are married—now and then; most +literary women—off and on; most society women—from +time to time.</p> + +<div class='poem2'> +In olden days, the lover cried, in burning words and brave,<br /> +"Oh darling, be my Queen, my Bride—and let me be your slave!"<br /> +But nowadays, he murmurs, over cigarette and tea,<br /> +"Say, when you get your <i>next</i> divorce, will you (puff) marry me?"<br /> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></p> + +<p>When a woman obtains her second divorce, one +hardly knows whether to class her as a good loser, +a bad chooser, or just a "poor sport."</p> + +<p>Why is it that when a man hears that a woman has +had a "past," he is always so anxious to brighten +up her present?</p> + +<p>Many a woman's sole reason for getting a divorce +is because she is tired of holding onto heaven with +one hand and onto a man with the other.</p> + +<p>When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't +a sign that they "don't understand" one another, +but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.</p> + +<p>That "just-after-the-divorce" feeling is not the exhilarating +thing many people imagine it. It is more +like the mingled sensation of pain and relief that +comes the moment after you have removed a tight +slipper and before the ache has subsided.</p> + +<p>Divorce is the Great Divide, over which most men +expect to pass into the Happy Hunting Grounds.</p> + +<p>Reno! The land of the free and the grave of the +home!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div> + +<h2>THIRD INTERLUDE</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>IN the abstract a man admires nobility and intelligence +in a woman; but in the concrete he +always prefers a bird of Paradise to a wren, a +decoration to an inspiration and incense to common +sense.</div> + +<p>"Intuition" is what a man calls a girl's ability to +see through him, before marriage; "suspicion" is +what he calls it, after marriage.</p> + +<p>Satan, himself, could no doubt make any woman +love him, if he took the trouble to convince her +that it was "her beauty that drove him to Hades."</p> + +<p>Of course, polygamy is dreadful; but, at least, an +Oriental wife can come within four or five guesses of +knowing where her husband spends his evenings.</p> + +<p>Take care of a woman's vanity—and her love will +take care of itself.</p> + +<p>Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam the +apple, woman's punishment has been to have to +supply a man with food and then suffer the consequences +when it disagrees with him.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span></p> + +<p>The wings of love are not clipped by marriage; +they merely <i>molt</i> for lack of exercise.</p> + +<p>All love is 99.44 per cent pure: pure imagination, +pure vanity, pure curiosity, pure folly or whatever +else it happens to be.</p> + +<p>Don't waste your tears on the girls a heart-breaker +<i>should</i> have married and didn't; save them for the +girl he <i>will</i> marry and <i>shouldn't</i>.</p> + +<p>It requires a little moisture to make a postage +stamp stick and a little cold water of indifference +to make a sweetheart stick.</p> + +<p>There are only two kinds of perfectly faultless men—the +dead and the deadly.</p> + +<p>In order to see a man in his most interesting colors +a woman always has to scrape off a lot of unnecessary +whitewashing.</p> + +<p>Marriage is a discord that turns "Love's Old Sweet +Song" from a eulogy into an elegy.</p> + +<p>The height of the average girl's ambition is just +about six feet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span></p> + +<p>You can always cure a man of love-sickness with +"mental suggestion" merely by suggesting to him +that the girl is trying to marry him.</p> + +<p>Marriage is the operation by which a woman's +vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without +an anaesthetic.</p> + +<p>Jealousy is the false alarm that wakes us up from +love's young dream.</p> + +<p>The most successful men are not those who have +been inspired by a wise woman's love, but those +who have perspired in order to gratify a foolish +woman's whims.</p> + +<p>It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing +than to keep one lover after he has stopped guessing.</p> + +<p>A man's soul lies so close to his digestion that when +he looks blue and downhearted, a woman never +knows whether to offer him a kiss, a meal, a dose +of philosophy or a dyspepsia tablet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span></p> + +<p>A woman is so complex that she can prove to a +man by every possible convincing argument that +she feels nothing but platonic friendship for him, +at the same time that she is thinking how she would +like to run her fingers through his hair.</p> + +<p>One reason why a man's life is so much fuller than +a woman's is because he spends nearly three-quarters +of it in hunting up things for a woman to do.</p> + +<p>Oh yes, a woman always looks up to a brave, strong +man whom she can respect—and then nine times +out of ten, goes and marries some pallid weakling +whom she can "mother."</p> + +<p>A man spends his boyhood struggling against an +education, his youth struggling against matrimony +and his middle-age struggling against embonpoint; +but sooner or later he succumbs to all of them.</p> + +<p>No man wants an "equal" but an angel. If Satan +himself should decide to marry he wouldn't go +around looking for a congenial little Satanette, but +for a paragon who had a pull with St. Peter.</p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span></p> +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> +<div class='quote3'>HALF A LOVE +IS BETTER +THAN NONE +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 346px;"> +<img src="images/illus-6.jpg" width="346" height="500" alt="Half a love . . ." title="" /> +<span class="caption">Half a love . . .</span> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div><h2>WIDOWS</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>A WIDOW is a fascinating being with the +flavor of maturity, the spice of experience, +the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced +coquetry, and the halo of one man's approval.</div> + +<p>Second mourning is that interesting period, at which +a widow continues to weep with one eye while she +begins to flirt with the other.</p> + +<p>When a widow comes in at the door, a debutante's +chances fly out of the window.</p> + +<p>No matter how many wrinkles a widow may have +in her face, she always has enough at her fingertips +to offset them.</p> + +<p>Even a dead husband gives a widow some advantage +over a spinster; the very debts her husband +left afford her something to boast about to the +unmarried woman who has only her own board +bills to pay.</p> + +<p>A girl takes a man for better or for worse—but +a widow merely takes him for granted.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span></p> + +<p>Girls are the milk and honey which sweeten a man's +life; widows, the caviare and wine which relieve its +flatness and give it spice and piquancy.</p> + +<p>A girl knows exactly what kind of man she wants +to marry; but a widow knows all the kinds she +<i>doesn't</i> want to marry, and usually makes a safe +selection by the wise process of elimination.</p> + +<p>A widow's chief consolation in remarrying is probably +that she finds it less exhausting to sit up and +wait for one man to come home evenings, than to +sit up and wait for a lot of them to go home.</p> + +<p>Widows have all the honor and glory without any +of the trials of matrimony; a live husband may be +a necessity, but a dead one is a luxury.</p> + +<p>Matrimony is the price of love—widowhood, the +rebate.</p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div><h2>IMPROVISATIONS</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>SPRING flowers are like spring love, so sweet +and tender, but doomed to fade quickly; it's in +the autumn of life, or of the year, that we +get the hardy variety of either.</div> + +<p>A man may honestly admire a superior woman; +but when it comes to marrying, he usually looks +about for something far enough beneath him to +enjoy being ordered about and patted on the head.</p> + +<p>A girl's heart is like her dressing-table—crowded +with tenderly cherished little souvenirs of love; a +man's, like his pipe, is carefully cleaned and +emptied after each flame has gone out.</p> + +<p>A man doesn't ask a girl to "name the day" any +more; he merely pleads guilty to loving her and +then closes his eyes while she passes sentence on +him and decide when he shall begin "serving time."</p> + +<p>When a woman reforms she bleaches her conscience +down to the roots as she does her hair; a man +simply gives his a coat of whitewashing so that he +will have a nice, clean space in which to begin all +over again.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span></p> + +<p>When a bachelor sniffs through his letters before +opening them in the morning, it is not a sign that +he is looking for dynamite, but that he is looking +for a note bearing a brand of sachet which he has +mistaken for some girl's "sweet personality."</p> + +<p>At the awakening from love's young dream the +woman's first thought is, "How can I break his +heart?" The man's, "How can I break away?"</p> + +<p>A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman +through her imagination, and then they both speak +of it as an affair of "the heart."</p> + +<p>No, Clarice, a man's idea of being loved isn't +exactly being followed around with a hot water +bottle, a box of pills and the eternal question: "Do +you love me as much as ever?"</p> + +<p>One grass widow doesn't make a summer resort—but +she can always make it interesting.</p> + +<p>When a man has baggy trousers nowadays it is +from falling on his knees to an automobile—not to +a girl.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span></p> + +<p>A black lie always shows up against the dazzling +background of truth; it's all the little white ones +a man keeps telling you that can't be spotted or +distinguished from the rest of his conversation.</p> + +<p>The only time when a sense of humor profits a +woman anything is when she can laugh at herself +for having tried to charm a man by dazzling him +with it.</p> + +<p>Most men fall in love with a sudden jolt, and wake +up to find that they are married to an "impulse."</p> + +<p>It's a lame love that has to be carried through the +honeymoon in a three-thousand-dollar touring car.</p> + +<p>In the mathematics of a bachelor one kiss makes +a flirtation, two kisses make one conquest, three +kisses make a love-affair and four kisses make one +tired.</p> + +<p>There are "chain-smokers" who light one cigarette +from the dying end of another—and there are also +"chain lovers" who light one flame from the dying +embers of another.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span></p> + +<p>Eve had one advantage over all the rest of her sex. +In his wildest moments of rage Adam never could +accuse her of being "just like her <i>mother!</i>"</p> + +<p>Every woman has a different notion of an ideal +husband; but every woman's ideal lover is the same +impossible combination of saint and devil, brute +and baby, hero and mollycoddle, that never is seen +anywhere off the stage or outside the pages of a +"best thriller."</p> + +<p>Love is a voyage of discovery, marriage the goal—and +divorce the relief expedition.</p> + +<p>A man never can comprehend why a woman can't +understand how he can be dead in love with one +girl and acutely alive to the charms of a lot of +others at the same time.</p> + +<p>Jealousy is the tie that binds—and binds—and +binds.</p> + +<p>It is not the fear of being shipwrecked that keeps +a bachelor from embarking on the sea of matrimony; +it is the awful horror of being becalmed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span></p> + +<p>Nowadays most women grow old gracefully; most +men, disgracefully.</p> + +<p>A man can forgive a woman for having made a fool +of herself over any man on earth—except himself.</p> + +<p>Eternity: The interval between the time when a +woman discovers that a man is in love with her +and the time when he finds it out himself and tells +her about it.</p> + +<p>The follies which a man regrets the most, in his life, +are those which he didn't commit when he had the +opportunity.</p> + +<p>In the average man's opinion the command, "Thou +shalt not steal," does not apply to a kiss, a heart, +an umbrella, an hotel or an after-dinner story.</p> + +<p>To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the +beginning; to a man, it is the beginning of the end.</p> + +<p>The qualities a man seeks in a bride no more resemble +those he will want in a wife than a cabaret +rag-ditty resembles a lullaby, but two years ahead +is farther than any man can see when he is looking +into a pretty girl's eyes.</p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span></p> + +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<div class='quote4'> +YOU MAY GROOM, YOU MAY POLISH HIM UP AS YOU WILL,<br /></div> +<div class='quote4'>BUT THE MARK OF THE "M A R R I E D M A N" CLINGS TO HIM STILL.<br /> +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 355px;"> +<img src="images/illus-7.jpg" width="355" height="500" alt="You may polish him up . . ." title="" /> +<span class="caption">You may polish him up . . .</span> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div><h2>WIDOWERS</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>THE tenderest, most impressionable thing on +earth is the heart of a yearling widower.</div> + +<p>Of course it is easier to marry a widower than a +bachelor. A man who has been through the Armageddon +of <i>one</i> marriage has no spirit of battle left +in him.</p> + +<p>When a widow begins curling her hair, again, or +a widower begins worrying about his thinness on +top, Cupid chuckles and gets out his arrows and +Satan smiles behind his hand.</p> + +<p>In the matrimonial market a seasoned bachelor is +just a shop-worn remnant; a divorcé is a cast-off, +second-hand article; but a widower is a treasured +heirloom inherited only through death.</p> + +<p>After his wedding day, a man usually tucks all the +flattering adjectives and tender nothings in his +vocabulary away in a pigeon-hole and marks them +"Not to be opened until widowerhood."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span></p> + +<p>Perhaps there may not be so much excitement in +marrying a widower; but there is a lot more comfort +in getting something that another woman has +broken to double harness than in lashing yourself +to a bucking bronco fresh from the wild.</p> + +<p>No matter how unhappy a man may have been with +his first wife nothing on earth will make him flatter +her successor by acknowledging that she was not a +combination of Circe, St. Cecilia and the Venus di +Milo.</p> + +<p>The girl who marries a widower may be a sort of +"second edition," but the girl who marries a seasoned +bachelor is apt to be a forty-second edition.</p> + +<p>When a widower vows he will "never marry again," +listen for the wedding bells! The "Never-agains" +are the easiest fruit in the Garden of Love. It's the +"Never-at-alls!" who are harder than a newsboy's +conscience, colder than yesterday's kiss, and less +impressionable than a boarding-house steak.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span></p> + +<p>If a woman could foresee how irresistible her husband +would look with a bereaved expression on his +face and a black band on his coat sleeve, it would +give her the strength to live forever.</p> + +<p>Some widowers <i>are</i> bereaved—others, relieved.</p> + +<p>A man may forget all about how to make love during +ten years of matrimony, but it's wonderful how +quickly he can brush up on the fine points again +after he becomes a widower.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>FOURTH INTERLUDE</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>A MAN always looks at a woman through either +the right or the wrong end of a telescope, +and thus always sees her as a divinity or a +devil—never as a human being.</div> + +<p>Business girl's motto: "Better marry and be a poor +man's slave than stay single and be a rich man's +stenographer."</p> + +<p>When a clever girl lets fly the arrows of wit she +should be careful to see that a man's vanity is not +the bull's eye.</p> + +<p>It is difficult for a man to reconcile a girl's absorbing +interest in picture-hats, pearl powder, and +Paquin models with real brains; but somehow his +own enthusiasm for baseball and golf never seems +to him incompatible with superior intelligence.</p> + +<p>Don't fancy your husband has ceased to love you +merely because he no longer seems to notice your +presence around the house; wait until he gets so +that he doesn't even notice your absence.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span></p> + +<p>A good husband is one who will get up and lift +the ice off the dumbwaiter instead of lying back and +lifting his voice to tell you how to do it without +"hurting your itsy bitsy fingers."</p> + +<p>The shallower a man's love, the more it bubbles +over into eloquence. When his emotions go deep, +words stick in his throat, and have to be hauled +out of him with a derrick.</p> + +<p>To be happy with a man you must understand him +a lot and love him a little; to be happy with a +woman you must love her a lot and not try to +understand her at all.</p> + +<p>A man with <i>savoir faire</i> may scintillate in a crowd, +but it takes a "bashful man" to shine in a dim cozy +corner.</p> + +<p>Every bride fancies that she married the original +"cave-man" until she tries to persuade him to go +out and argue with the furniture-movers.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span></p> + +<p>What a man calls his conscience in a love affair +is merely a pain in his vanity, the moral ache that +accompanies a headache, or the mental action that +follows a sentimental reaction.</p> + +<p>It never pays to compromise! Cheap clothes, cheap +literature, cheap sports, cheap flirtations—a life +filled with these is nothing but an electric flash, +advertising "something just as good."</p> + +<p>Just at first, every man seems to fancy that it takes +nothing but brute force and determination to run +an automobile or a wife; after the smash-up he +changes his mind.</p> + +<p>Brains and beauty are an impossible combination +in a woman—not necessarily impossible to <i>find</i>, but +impossible to <i>live with</i>.</p> + +<p>When a woman looks at a man in evening dress, +she sometimes can't help wondering why he wants +to blazon his ancestry to the world by wearing a +coat with a long tail to it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span></p> + +<p>When a man says he loves you don't ask him +"Why," because by the time he has found his reason +he will undoubtedly have lost his enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>Pshaw! It is no more reasonable to expect a man +to love you tomorrow because he loves you today, +than it is to assume that the sun will be shining +tomorrow because the weather is pleasant today.</p> + +<p>Sending a man a sentimental note, just after he has +spent the evening with you, has about the same +thrilling effect as offering him a sandwich, immediately +after dinner.</p> + +<p>A "good woman," according to Mrs. Grundy, is one +who would scorn to sacrifice society for the sake of +a man but will cheerfully sacrifice the man she +marries for the sake of society.</p> + +<p>The flower of a man's love is not an immortelle, +but a morning-glory; which fades the moment the +sun of a woman's smiles becomes too intense and +glowing.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span></p> + +<p>The sweetest part of a love affair is just before the +confession when you begin discussing love in the +abstract and gazing concretely into one another's +eyes.</p> + +<p>Marriage is a photogravure made from the glowing +illusions which Love has painted on the canvas of +the heart.</p> + +<p>A woman may have to reach heaven before she +tastes supernal joy; but to taste supreme punishment +she has only to watch the love-mist die out +of a man's eyes.</p> + +<p>Nothing frightens a man like a woman's stony +silence. Somehow in spite of his lack of intuition, +he has a subconscious premonition that her love is +<i>dead</i> when she is too weary and disinterested to +"<i>answer back</i>."</p> + +<p>The satisfaction in flattering a man consists in the +fact that, whether you lay it on thick or thin, rough +or smooth, a little of it is always bound to stick.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span></p> + +<p>Love is a furnace in which the man builds the fire, +and forever afterward expects the woman to keep +it glowing, by supplying all the fuel.</p> + +<p>The gods must love summer flirtations—they die so +young.</p> + +<p>A man may have heart enough to love more than +one woman at a time, but unless he is a fatalist he +should have brains enough not to try it.</p> + +<p>When love dies a wise married couple give its ashes +a respectful burial, and hang a good photograph +of it on the wall for the benefit of the public.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"> +<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span></p> + +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<div class='quote2'> +EVERY TIME A MAN +FALLS IN LOVE HE +FANCIES THAT HE HAS +JUST DISCOVERED A +BRAND NEW SENSATION; +BUT, ALAS, IT ALWAYS +TURNS OUT, LIKE THE +HOTEL SOUP, TO BE +JUST THE SAME OLD +"STOCK" WITH A DIFFERENT +FLAVORING</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 336px;"> +<img src="images/illus-7a.jpg" width="336" height="500" alt="A brand new sensation . . ." title="" /> +<span class="caption">A brand new sensation . . .</span> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div><h2>SECOND MARRIAGES</h2> + +<h3>HINTS ON HOW TO CONDUCT ENCORE<br /> +PERFORMANCES OF THE CEREMONY</h3> + + +<div class='cap'>A BRIDE at her second wedding does not wear +a veil. She wants to <i>see</i> what she is getting.</div> + +<p>Always send your former husband a notice of your +marriage; true politeness consists in giving pleasure +to others.</p> + +<p>If you meet your ex-husband's fiancée, treat her +with sympathetic courtesy. Remember that she is +more to be pitied than scorned.</p> + +<p>If the bridegroom does not show up, marry the best +man. After a few weeks you will not be able to +notice the difference between them. Either will +make you the same old excuses, tell you the same +stories and give you the same "stock" kisses in the +morning.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span></p> + +<p>When your second husband begins to speak wistfully +of your first husband, do not chide him; remember +that misery loves company, and perhaps it +is a comfort to him to think that some one else has +been as foolish as he has.</p> + +<p>Never consider your wedding a settled thing until +you have gotten the man to the altar. The primary +rule for marrying is "First catch your husband!"</p> + +<p>Besides, there's many a slip 'twixt the license and +the certificate—and you may let him slip.</p> + +<p>In selecting husbands, always consider that it is +quality, not quantity, that counts.</p> + +<p>One or two marriages, like one or two drinks, may +not have any visible effect upon you. But don't +make it a custom.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span></p> + +<p>A woman marries the first time, you know, for +love, the second time for companionship, the third +time for a support—and the rest of the time just +from habit.</p> + +<p>When marrying a second time refrain from asking +your friends what they think about it. Remember +that they all think you are a fool.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div><h2>INTERMEZZO</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>A MAN'S kisses are first reverent, then rapturous, +then tender, then casual, and last—charitable.</div> + +<p>The hardest thing in life is to discover the exact +geographical location of a man's grouch—whether +it is in his tooth, his vanity or his digestion, or is +just a chronic condition of the whole system.</p> + +<p>Being in love is like a fascinating spin at will in an +automobile; being married, like a trolley trip on +rails, with somebody ringing the bell at you every +few minutes.</p> + +<p>A woman's love is composed of maternal tenderness, +childlike inconsistency, torturing jealousy and +sublime unselfishness—and how is a man ever going +to comprehend a mixture like that?</p> + +<p>Alas, why is it that the most popular and fascinating +women are so often the last to marry, and then +nearly always pluck either a broken stick from the +tide of life or a brand from the burning?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p> + +<p>Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all +women can be fooled some of the time, but the same +woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same +way more than half of the time.</p> + +<p>A woman always wants her photograph to flatter +her, but a man is perfectly satisfied if he gets one +that looks as fascinating and impressive as he thinks +he does.</p> + +<p>A jealous husband can put two and two together—and +make fourteen.</p> + +<p>When a man hesitates to propose to a girl he is +never quite sure whether it is the fear of being +"turned down" or the fear of being "taken up" +which paralyzes him.</p> + +<p>Spring is the time of the year when the eternal +monotony of the daily grind gives a man brain-fag—and +the eternal monotony of any one girl appears +to give him heart-fag.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span></p> + +<p>A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything +she says to a man and takes a grain of salt with +everything he says to her.</p> + +<p>Of course, a girl hates to wound a man; but sometimes, +after a painful parting, it would seem so much +more artistic if he would only <i>remain</i> "wounded" +just a little longer.</p> + +<p>Making a man promise to drop a woman simply +excites his sympathy for her, so that, before he has +fairly cut the string, he is anxious to tie a knot in +it again.</p> + +<p>The hardest task of a girl's life, nowadays, is to +prove to a man that his intentions are serious.</p> + +<p>Love, without faith, illusions and trust, is—Lord +forgive us—cinders, ashes and dust!</p> + +<p>A man who strays for love of a woman may sometimes +be reclaimed; but the man who strays for +love of amusement or love or novelty will never +"stay put" for any girl.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span></p> + +<p>Most girls, nowadays, would give almost as much +for a little genuine sentiment and a really convincing +kiss, as for a genuine "old master" and a really +convincing novel.</p> + +<p>There are a hundred things that the cleverest man +in the world never <i>can</i> understand—and ninety-nine +of them are women.</p> + +<p>Many a man who is too tender-hearted to pour salt +on an oyster will pour sarcasm all over his wife's +vanity and then wonder why she always shrivels +up in her shell at the sight of him.</p> + +<p>A grub may become a butterfly, but the man who +marries a butterfly, expecting to turn her into a +grub, should remember that nature never works that +way.</p> + +<p>A married man's hardest cross is not to be able to +brag to his wife about the women who "tried to +flirt with him."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span></p> + +<p>Plato has lured more men into matrimony than +Cupid. A man can <i>see</i> an arrow coming and dodge +it, but platonic friendship strikes him in the back.</p> + +<p>Many a man has started out to "string" a girl, and +gotten so tangled up, that the string ended in a +marriage tie.</p> + +<p>Habit is the cement which holds the links of matrimony +together when the ties of romance have +crumbled.</p> + +<p>He that telleth a secret unto a married man may +prepare himself for a lot of free advertising; for, +lo, the conjugal pillow is the root of all gossip.</p> + +<p>To make a man perfectly happy tell him he works +too hard, that he spends too much money, that he +is "misunderstood" or that he is "different;" none +of this is necessarily complimentary, but it will +flatter him infinitely more than merely telling him +that he is brilliant, or noble, or wise, or good.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span></p> + +<p>After a woman has lain awake half the night in +order to be able to call her husband in time to catch +his train it's rather hard to be hated for it, just like +an alarm clock.</p> + +<p>A man expects a woman to laugh at all his jokes, +admire all his bon mots, agree with all his opinions, +and be blind to all his faults—and then he scornfully +wonders why women are so "hypocritical."</p> + +<p>A diamond and a lump of coal are merely two +varieties of carbon; but they are as different as the +two things which the right wife and the wrong wife +can make of the same man.</p> + +<p>Sometimes man proposes—and then keeps the girl +waiting until the Lord kindly interposes.</p> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"> +<img src="images/decoration1.png" width="150" height="103" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span></p> + +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<div class='quote2'>A WOMAN +FLEES FROM +TEMPTATION, +BUT A MAN +JUST <i>CRAWLS</i> +AWAY FROM IT +IN THE CHEERFUL +HOPE +THAT IT MAY +OVERTAKE HIM</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 344px;"> +<img src="images/illus-8.jpg" width="344" height="500" alt="A man just crawls away . . ." title="" /> +<span class="caption">A man just crawls away . . .</span> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div><h2>WOMAN—AND HER INFINITE VARIETY</h2> + +<h3>(A LEAF FROM ADAM'S DICTIONARY.)</h3> + + +<div class='cap'>WOMAN—A divine creation for the comfort +and amusement of mankind.</div> + +<p>RIB—That part of man's self of which he thinks +the least and brags the most.</p> + +<p>WIFE (The Inferior Fraction)—The excuse for all +a man's sins, the cause of all his failings, the keeper +of his conscience, the guardian of his digestion, and +the repository of his grouches.</p> + +<p>BETTER-HALF—The half that is always left at +home.</p> + +<p>COQUETTE—Any woman who is so unreasonable +as not to return a man's affections.</p> + +<p>FLIRT—Any woman, over whom a man has insisted +on making a fool of himself.</p> + +<p>OLD MAID—An unmarried woman with more +wrinkles than money.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span></p> + +<p>BACHELOR GIRL—An unmarried woman with +more money than wrinkles.</p> + +<p>KITTEN—Any woman under sixty for whom a +man feels a temporary tenderness.</p> + +<p>QUEEN—A pretty woman whom a man has not +yet kissed.</p> + +<p>"IDEAL"—The particular woman, to whom a man +happens to be making love.</p> + +<p>CLINGING VINE—A woman who allows her husband +to think that he is having his own way.</p> + +<p>HELPMATE—A combination of playmate, soul-mate, +and light-running domestic.</p> + +<p>GODDESS—An impossible woman, who exists +only in novels and in a man's imagination.</p> + +<p>PARAGON—The kind of woman a man ought to +marry, wants to marry, intends to marry—and never +does.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span></p> +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<div class='quote2'> +PESSIMISM IS A MAN'S +NATURAL REACTION +AFTER TOO MUCH +OF ANYTHING—WINE, +LOVE, FOOD, FLIRTATION +OR OPTIMISM +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div> +<h2>MAXIMS OF CLEOPATRA</h2> + + +<div class='center'><br />1</div> + +<div class='poem2'><div class='cap'> +THESE three things Man feareth: Oysters out of season,<br /> +A Babe that plays with fire, and a Woman who can <i>reason!</i><br /> +</div></div> + + +<div class='center'><br />2</div> + +<div class='poem2'> +Last year's sandals and yesterday's fish,<br /> +Last night's kisses and last week's wish<br /> +Are, to a Man, things gone and past;<br /> +Likewise <i>the woman before the last!</i><br /> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span></p> + + +<div class='center'><br />3</div> + +<div class='poem2'> +The soul of a man is white—or black, or yellow, or dun;<br /> +But a woman's soul is a rainbow and a Roman sash in one.<br /> +</div> + + +<div class='center'><br />4</div> + +<div class='poem2'> +Empty the words of the prayer, when the Pharisee prayeth aloud;<br /> +Empty the words of love, when he praiseth thee in a crowd.<br /> +Yet, he that is cold in the crowd, but seeketh thine ear when alone,<br /> +In the land of the Great God Isis by the name of "Cad" shall be known.<br /> +</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span></p> + + +<div class='center'><br />5</div> + +<div class='poem2'> +As the pearl that I dropped in the glass can never again be mine,<br /> +So many a pearl of woman's love hath a man dissolved—in wine.<br /> +</div> + + +<div class='center'><br />6</div> + +<div class='poem2'> +Geese walk not alone; sheep will follow sheep;<br /> +So this little maxim I would have ye keep:<br /> +Would ye conquer <i>all</i> men, make a fool of <i>one</i>—<br /> +The rest will turn toward thee, as lilies to the sun.<br /> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span></p> + + +<div class='center'><br />7</div> + +<div class='poem2'> +The young man calleth for wine, the old for crystal water.<br /> +Seek not to enslave a <i>boy</i> till thou art thirty, Daughter.<br /> +</div> + + +<div class='center'><br />8</div> + +<div class='poem2'> +When the game is over, vain the loser's sigh.<br /> +To thy parting lover, wave a gay good-by!<br /> +'Neath the storm-cloud bending, see the lily laugh.<br /> +If Love's reign be ending—write his epitaph!<br /> +Deck his grave with iris; blot away his name.<br /> +Isis and Osiris, make thy Daughter <i>game!</i><br /> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span></p> + + +<div class='center'><br />9</div> + +<div class='poem2'> +Flatter him boldly, Daughter, be he old or wise or callow;<br /> +For there is no meed of flattery that a man will fail to swallow.<br /> +Yet, after a time, desist; lest perchance, in his vanity,<br /> +He wonder why such a demi-god should stoop to a worm like thee!<br /> +</div> + + +<div class='center'><br />10</div> + +<div class='poem2'> +Call the bald man, "Boy;" make the sage thy toy;<br /> +Greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace.<br /><br /> +</div> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span></p> + + + +<div class='center'><table class="quote" summary="quote"> +<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<div class='quote2'> +WHERE IS THE SWEET, +OLD-FASHIONED WIFE +WHO USED TO GET UP +AT 6 O'CLOCK IN THE +MORNING AND COOK +HER HUSBAND'S +BREAKFAST? GONE, +GONE, ALAS, WITH +THE SWEET OLD-FASHIONED +HUSBAND +WHO USED TO COME +HOME AT 6 O'CLOCK +IN THE EVENING AND +<i>STAY THERE</i> <img src="images/decoration2.png" width="95" height="25" alt="Two Leaves" title="" /> +</div> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td> +</tr></table></div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagetop.jpg" width="600" height="83" alt="top border" title="" /> +</div><h2>FINALE</h2> + + +<div class='cap'>ALL the love routes lead to a kiss—but some +men make love with the directness of an +express train, some as haltingly as a local +and some with the charm, smoothness and variation +of a "special."</div> + +<p>When a man complains of the girls who "pursue" +him, don't forget that the mark of a real "girl-charmer" +is his dead silence concerning all women +except the one to whom he happens to be talking.</p> + +<p>A man's idea of displaying "resolution" appears to +be first to find out what a woman wants him to do, +and then to proceed "resolutely" not to do it.</p> + +<p>Presence of mind in love making is a sure sign of +absence of heart; no man begins to be serious until +he begins to be foolish.</p> + +<p>The girl a man marries is never the one he ought +to marry or intended to marry, but just some "innocent +bystander" who happened to be in the way at +the psychological moment.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span></p> + +<p>A woman's heart is like a frame, which holds only +one picture at a time; a man's is more like a cinemetograph.</p> + +<p>A man's love is not actually dead until he begins +subconsciously to think of his wife as the person +who makes him wear his rubbers, mow the lawn, +put up the fly-screens, and explain where he has +been all Saturday afternoon.</p> + +<p>The average man is so busy backing away from the +girls he ought to marry that he usually backs right +into the arms of the one woman under Heaven +that he <i>ought not</i> to marry.</p> + +<p>A man is like a motor-car which always balks on +the trolley-tracks and runs at top speed down hill; +a wife is the human brake that prevents him from +going to destruction.</p> + +<p>When a girl refuses a man his greatest emotion is +not disappointment, but astonishment that she +should be so blind to her own luck.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span></p> + +<p>Nothing bores a man so much as for a woman to +give him <i>all</i> her love—when he wanted only a +<i>little</i> of it.</p> + +<p>Solomon was the only man who ever had six hundred +and ninety-nine alibis when one of his wives +detected the fragrance of another woman's sachet +on his coat lapel.</p> + +<p>Every man "rocks the boat" of happiness at least +once during a love affair—usually by trying to leap +out of it before it lands in the port of Matrimony. +All a man needs in order to win any woman is a +little audacity, a little mendacity and plenty of pertinacity.</p> + +<p>The only chain that can bind love is an endless +chain of compliments.</p> + +<p>When a woman doesn't marry it is usually because +she has never met the man with whom she could +be perfectly happy; but when a man remains single +it is usually because he has never met the woman +<i>without</i> whom he could <i>not</i> be perfectly happy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span></p> + +<p>Most men expect to "reform" between the last dose +of medicine and the last breath.</p> + +<p>Speaking of the modern advance in the "arts and +crafts" it requires more art to get a husband and +more craft to keep one nowadays, than it ever did.</p> + +<p>A frank man may be the noblest work of God, but +he is as much of a nuisance in feminine society as +a woman on a fishing trip.</p> + +<p>There is always a chance that a man may escape +from the bonds of matrimony; but an old bachelor +is wedded by all the bonds of nature to a collection +of habits from which nothing but death can divorce +him.</p> + +<p>By the time he marries, a bachelor's heart has been +pressed, cleaned and mended so often that it will +barely hold together through the honeymoon.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span></p> + +<p>It seems so unreasonable of man to expect a woman +to think straight, walk straight, or talk straight, +considering that she was made from his rib—the +crookedest bone in his body.</p> + +<p>Motto for a married man's den: "Others love your +wife, why not <i>you?</i>"</p> + +<p>A man's idea of being perfectly loyal to a woman +is to "think of her always"—even when he is kissing +another woman.</p> + +<p>Love is just a glittering illusion with which we gild +the hard, cold facts of life—until all the world seems +bright and shining!</p> + +<p>Most men are so busy dodging one love affair that +they step right back under the wheels of another, +and are fatally mangled.</p> + +<p>A brave man is always ready to "face the music"—provided +it isn't that old tune from Lohengrin.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span></p> + +<p>If married couples would show as much respect +for one another's personal liberty, habits and preferences +as they do for one another's toothbrushes, +love's young dream would not so often turn into a +nightmare. It is the Siamese twin existence they +impose on themselves that drives them to distraction +or destruction.</p> + +<p>A man kills time with a golf stick; a woman with +a lip-stick.</p> + +<p>It is foolish to fancy that a man is thinking of proposing +to you; a man never proposes to any woman, +until he has gotten past "thinking."</p> + +<p>If a man would employ a little more commonsense +before marriage and a little more <i>incense</i> afterwards, +matrimony would be more of an inspiration +and less of a visitation.</p> + +<p>Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too +near.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span></p> + +<p>The man who takes a kiss "for granted" doesn't +stand a chance beside the man who takes it before +it is granted.</p> + +<p>Husband: A miniature volcano, constantly smoking, +usually grumbling, and always liable to violent +and unexpected eruptions.</p> + +<p>On the journey of matrimony, there are no garages +where punctured illusions can be patched up, shattered +ideals mended, and empty hearts refilled.</p> + +<p>Of course a man is not as jealous as a woman—because +it's so hard for him to believe that a girl +on whom he bestows himself could possibly wish +for anything better.</p> + +<p>The making of a husband out of a mere man is not +a sinecure; it's one of the highest plastic arts known +to civilization.</p> + +<p>Before marriage a woman says sweetly, "I understand +you!" After marriage she says coldly, "I see +through you!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span></p> + +<div class='poem'> +Oh, what is so stupid as last year's song,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So foolish as last year's fashion,</span><br /> +So completely forgotten as last year's girl,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And so dead as a last year's passion?</span><br /> +</div> + + +<h3>CURTAIN</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;"> +<img src="images/illus-9.jpg" width="250" height="260" alt="bird" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/decopagebottom.jpg" width="600" height="162" alt="bottom border" title="" /> +<br /><br /></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span></p> +<h2>OTHER BOOKS BY HELEN ROWLAND</h2> + + +<h3>THE SAYINGS OF MRS. SOLOMON</h3> + +<p>Being the confessions of the 700th wife. A +book that is much appreciated and is destined to +entertain Helen Rowland's fast growing audience +for years to come.</p> + +<p>"Yet whichever he weddeth, he regretteth it +all the days of his life."</p> + +<div class='center'> +From the Sayings of Mrs. Solomon<br /> +</div> + + +<h3><br />REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR GIRL</h3> + +<p>Clever, cynical and witty, with a philosophical +trend that will entertain men and woman alike—the +older ones—the younger ones. Read this +book for a mirror likeness to yourself.</p> + +<p>Border decorations in color size 5 × 7<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>2</sub></small>.</p> + +<div class='center'> +A Laugh on Every Page<br /> +</div> + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span></p> +<h3><br />THE WIDOW (TO SAY NOTHING OF +THE MAN)</h3> + +<p>Here is a little book of delightful love stories, +brimful of clever, witty epigrams. The Widow +is—well, say that she is lovable—only more so; +and the Man—read, know and love both.</p> + +<p>Illustrated bound in boards 4<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>2</sub></small> × 7<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>4</sub></small>.</p> + + +<h3><br />RUBAIYAT OF A BACHELOR</h3> + +<p>An exceedingly clever parody both in verses +and illustrations. Every yearning, timorous +bachelor should read and ponder; so, too, each +damsel, read and—"then, in your mercy, Friend, +forbear to smile."</p> + +<p>Illustrations and border decorations by Harold +Speakman, attractively bound in cloth with inlay +in color size 5<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>4</sub></small> × 7<small><sup>1</sup>/<sub>2</sub></small>.</p> + +<div class='center'> +A Laugh on Every Page<br /> +</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/dividing_page.jpg" width="300" height="166" alt="decoration" title="" /> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class='tnote'><h3>Transcriber's Notes:</h3> +<p>Text uses both caveman and cave-man, commonsense and common-sense, goodby and good-by.</p> +<p>Corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p></div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guide to Men, by Helen Rowland + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A GUIDE TO MEN *** + +***** This file should be named 30630-h.htm or 30630-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/6/3/30630/ + +Produced by Emmy, Tor Martin Kristiansen and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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