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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
+May 3, 1890., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, May 3, 1890.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
+
+Release Date: December 7, 2009 [EBook #30625]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, MAY 3, 1890 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 98.
+
+  MAY 3, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+No. X.--TOMMY AND HIS SISTER JANE.
+
+Once more we draw upon our favourite source of inspiration--the poems of
+the Misses TAYLOR. The dramatist is serenely confident that the new
+London County Council Censor of Plays, whenever that much-desired
+official is appointed, will highly approve of this little piece on
+account of the multiplicity of its morals. It is intended to teach,
+amongst other useful lessons, that--as the poem on which it is founded
+puts it--"Fruit in lanes is seldom good"; also, that it is not always
+prudent to take a hint; again, that constructive murder is distinctly
+reprehensible, and should never be indulged in by persons who cannot
+control their countenances afterwards. Lastly, that suicide may often be
+averted by the exercise of a little _savoir vivre._
+
+CHARACTERS.
+
+_Tommy and his Sister Jane (Taylorian Twins, and awful examples)._
+
+_Their Wicked Uncle (plagiarised from a forgotten Nursery Story, and
+slightly altered)._
+
+_Old Farmer Copeer (skilled in the use of horse and cattle medicines)._
+
+SCENE--_A shady lane; on the right, a gate, leading to the farm; left,
+some bushes, covered with practicable scarlet berries._
+
+_Enter the_ Wicked Uncle, _stealthily_.
+
+_The W. U._ No peace of mind I e'er shall know again
+  Till I have cooked the geese of TOM and JANE!
+  But--though a naughty--I'm a nervous nunky,
+  For downright felonies I feel too funky!
+  I'd hire assassins--but of late the villains
+  Have raised their usual fee to fifteen shillin's!
+  Nor, to reduce their rates, will they engage
+  (_Sympathetically_) For two poor orphans who are under age!
+  So (as I'd give no more than half a guinea)
+  I must myself get rid of TOM and JENNY.
+  Yet, like an old soft-hearted fool, I falter,
+  And can't make up my mind to risk a halter.
+  (_Looking off_). Ha, in the distance, JANE and little TOM I see!
+  These berries--(_meditatingly_)--why, it only needs diplomacy.
+  Ho-ho, a most ingenious experiment!
+
+    [_Indulges in silent and sinister mirth, as_ JANE
+    _and_ TOM _trip in, and regard him with
+    innocent wonder_.
+
+_Jane._ Uncle, what is the joke? why all this
+  merriment?
+
+_The W. U. (in guilty confusion)._ Not merriment,
+  my loves--a trifling spasm--
+  Don't be alarmed--your Uncle often has 'em!
+  I'm feeling better than I did at first--
+  You're looking flushed, though not, I hope, with
+  thirst?   [_Insidiously._
+
+SONG, BY THE WICKED UNCLE.
+
+  The sun is scorching overhead: the roads are dry and dusty;
+  And here are berries, ripe and red, refreshing when you're _thusty_!
+  They're hanging just within your reach, inviting you to clutch them!
+  But--as your Uncle--I beseech you won't attempt to touch them?
+
+_Tommy and Jane (dutifully)._ We'll do whatever you beseech, and
+    not attempt to touch them!    [_Annoyance of_ W. U.
+
+_The W. U._ Temptation (so I've understood) a child, in order kept, shuns;
+  And fruit in lanes is seldom good (with several exceptions).
+  However freely you partake, it can't--as you are young--kill,
+  But should it cause a stomach-ache--well, don't you blame your Uncle!
+
+_Tommy and Jane._ No, should it cause a stomach-ache, we will not blame our
+    Uncle!
+
+_The W. U. (aside)._ They'll need no further personal assistance,
+  But take the bait when I am at a distance.
+  I could not, were I paid a thousand ducats,
+  (_With sentiment_) Stand by, and see them kick their little buckets,
+  Or look on while their sticks this pretty pair cut!    [_Stealing off._
+
+_Tommy._ What, Uncle, going?
+
+_The W. U. (with assumed jauntiness)._ Just to get my hair cut!   [_Goes._
+
+_Tommy (looking wistfully at the berries)._ I say, they _do_ look nice,
+  JANE, such a lot too!
+
+_Jane (demurely)._ Well, TOMMY, Uncle never told us _not_ to.
+
+    [_Slow music; they gradually approach the berries, which they
+    pick and eat with increasing relish, culminating in a dance
+    of delight._
+
+_Duet_--TOMMY _and_ JANE (_with step-dance._)
+
+_Tommy (dancing, with his mouth full)._ These berries ain't so
+  bad--although they've far too much acidity.
+
+_Jane (ditto)._ To me, their only drawback is a dash of insipidity.
+
+_Tommy (rudely)._ But, all the same, you're wolfing 'em with
+  wonderful avidity!
+
+_Jane (indignantly)._ No, that I'm not, so _there_ now!
+
+_Tommy (calmly)._ But you _are_!
+
+_Jane._ And so are _you_!
+
+    [_They retire up, dancing, and eat more berries--after which
+    they gaze thoughtfully at each other._
+
+_Jane._ This fruit is most refreshing--but it's curious how it cloys
+  on you!
+
+_Tommy (with anxiety)._ I wonder why all appetite for dinner it
+  destroys in you!
+
+_Jane._ Oh, TOMMY, you are half afraid you've ate enough to poison
+  you?
+
+_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not--so there now! &c., &c.
+
+    [_They dance as before._
+
+ _Tommy._ JANE, _is_ your palate parching up in horrible aridity?
+
+_Jane._ It is, and in my throat's a lump of singular solidity.
+
+_Tommy._ Then that is why you're dancing with such pokerlike rigidity.
+
+    [_Refrain as before: they dance with decreasing spirit, and
+    finally stop, and fan one another with their hats._
+
+_Jane._ I'm better now that on my brow there is a little breeziness.
+
+_Tommy._ My passing qualm is growing calm, and tightness turns to easiness.
+
+_Jane._ You seem to me tormented by a tendency to queasiness?
+
+    [_Refrain; they attempt to continue the dance--but
+    suddenly sit down side by side._
+
+_Jane (with a gasp)._ I don't know what it is--but,
+  oh, I _do_ feel so peculiar!
+
+_Tommy (with a gulp)._ I've tumults taking place within that I may say
+  unruly are.
+
+_Jane._ Why, TOMMY, you are turning green--you really and you _truly_ are!
+
+_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not, so _there_ now!
+
+_Jane._ But you _are_!
+
+_Tommy._ And so are _you_!
+
+    [_Melancholy music; to which_ TOMMY _and_ JANE, _after a few convulsive
+    movements, gradually become inanimate. Enter old Farmer_ COPEER _from
+    gate, carrying a large bottle labelled "Cattle Medicine."_
+
+_Farmer C._ It's time I gave the old bay mare
+  her drench.    [_Stumbles over the children._
+  What's here? A lifeless lad!--and little wench!
+  Been eatin' berries--where did they get _them_ idees?
+  For cows, when took so, I've the reg'lar remedies.
+  I'll try 'em here--and if their state the worse is,
+  Why, they shall have them balls I give my 'erses!
+
+        [_Carries the bodies off just before the W. U. re-enters._
+
+_W. U._ The children--gone? yon bush of berries less full!
+  Hooray, my little stratagem's successful!
+
+        [_Dances a triumphant pas seul. Re-enter Farmer C._
+
+_Farmer C._ Been looking for your little niece and nephew?
+
+_The W. U._ Yes, searching for them everywhere--
+
+_Farmer C. (ironically)._ Oh, _hev'_ you?
+  Then let me tell you, from all pain they're free, Sir.
+
+_The W. U. (falling on his knees)._ _I_ didn't poison them--it wasn't _me_,
+  Sir!
+
+_Farmer C._ I thought as much--a constable I'll run for.   [_Exit._
+
+_The W. U._ My wretched nerves again! _this_ time I'm done for!
+  Well, though I'm trapped and useless all disguise is,
+  My case shall ne'er come on at the Assizes!
+        [_Rushes desperately to tree and crams himself with the remaining
+        berries, which produce an almost instantaneous effect.
+        Re-enter_ TOM _and_ JANE _from gate, looking pale and limp.
+        Terror of the_ Wicked Uncle _as he turns and recognises them._
+
+_The W. U. (with tremulous politeness)._ The shades of JANE and
+  TOMMY, I presume?    [_Re-enter Farmer C._
+
+_Jane and Tommy (pointing to Farmer C.)_ His Cattle Mixtures snatched us
+from the Tomb!
+
+_The W. U. (with a flicker of hope)._ Why, then the selfsame drugs will
+ease my torments!
+
+_Farmer C. (chuckling.)_ Too late! they've drunk the lot, the little
+vormints!
+
+_The W. U. (bitterly)._ So out of life I must inglorious wriggle,
+  Pursued by TOMMY'S grin, and JENNY'S giggle!
+
+        [_Dies in great agony, while_ TOMMY, JANE, _and_ Farmer COPEER
+        _look on with mixed emotions as the Curtain falls_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RECIPROCAL HOSPITALITY.
+
+_First Distinguished Colonist._ "BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING OF
+THAT NICE YOUNG FELLOW, LORD LIMPET, SINCE YOU CAME TO LONDON--THE MAN
+WHO STAYED WITH YOU SO MANY MONTHS AT YOUR STATION LAST YEAR?"
+
+_Second Ditto, Ditto._ "OH YES! I MET HIM THE OTHER NIGHT AT LADY
+BOVRIL'S RECEPTION, AND HE KINDLY BESTOWED UPON ME THE UNUSED HALF OF A
+SMILE WHICH HE HAD PUT TOGETHER FOR A PASSING DUKE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW DANCE OF DEATH.
+
+  "Starving to make a British holiday"--
+  And plump his pockets with the _gobemouches'_ pay!
+  A pretty picture, full of fine humanity
+  And creditable to the public sanity!
+  "Sensation" is a most despotic master.
+  First HIGGINS and then SUCCI! Fast and faster
+  The flood of morbid sentiment rolls on.
+  Lion-kings die, and the Sword-swallower's gone
+  The way of all such horrors, slowly slain
+  By efforts to please curious brutes, for gain.
+  What next, and next? Stretch some one on the rack
+  And let him suffer publicly. 'Twill pack
+  The show with prurient pryers, and draw out
+  The ready shillings from the rabble rout
+  Of well-dressed quidnuncs, frivolous and fickle
+  Who'll pay for aught that their dull sense will tickle.
+  Look on, crass crowd; your money freely give
+  To see Sensation's victims die to live;
+  For Science knows, and says beneath her breath,
+  That this "Fast Life" (like other sorts) means Death!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RESOLUTIONS FOR THE COSMOPOLITAN LABOUR MEETING.
+
+(_Compiled with due regard to the International Idiosyncrasies._)
+
+_French._--That France contains the World, and Paris France.
+
+_Belgium._--That on the whole, the Slave Trade should be discouraged, as
+it cannot be made to yield more than a safe 7 per cent.
+
+_Germany._--That the best way of showing love for the Fatherland is to
+live in every other part of the universe.
+
+_Spain._--That it will be for the benefit of mankind to exterminate the
+Portuguese.
+
+_Portugal._--That the interests of civilisation will be advanced by the
+annihilation of the Spanish.
+
+_Russian._--That dynamite literally raises not only the mansions of the
+nobles, but betters the homes of those who have been serfs.
+
+_British._--That the equality of man is proved by the fact that one
+Englishman is worth a dozen foreigners.
+
+_American._--That everybody (except citizens of the U.S.A.) pay half a
+dollar to the Treasurer right off the reel slick away, and that the sum
+so collected be equally divided amongst those present.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+"_Yes; it is a sovereign you owe me--but any time will do_;" _i.e._, "If
+he has the least spark of honour he'll pay me now."
+
+"_Never saw you looking better! Magnificent colour!_" _i.e._, "Evidently
+ripening for apoplectic fit."
+
+"_Pray bring your friend_;" _i.e._, "Doesn't he know how overcrowded my
+rooms are already?"
+
+"_To be perfectly candid_;" _i.e._, "Not sorry to rub it in."
+
+JOURNALISTIC.
+
+"_As yet nothing has transpired_;" _i.e._, The reporter was too late to
+obtain any information.
+
+"_Detective Inspector Muggins is actively pursuing his inquiries_;"
+_i.e._, Reporter thinks it as well to keep in with MUGGINS, who may be
+useful in future.
+
+EPISTOLATORY.
+
+"_In great haste_;" _i.e._, "Must make some excuse for scrappiness."
+
+"_We were all so shocked at hearing of your sad bereavement_;" _i.e._,
+"None of us knew her but myself, and _I_ thought her a Cat!"
+
+AT A DANCE.
+
+"_Let me get you a partner, Mr.--'er--'er Smith_;" _i.e._, "He'll do for
+dowdy Miss JONES, who has only danced once the whole night."
+
+"_Shall we take a turn round now?_" _i.e._, "She can't waltz any more
+than a crane, and parading is better than hopping."
+
+"_Not dancing to-night, Mr. Sprawle? Now, that's very naughty of you,
+with so many nice girls here_;" _i.e._, "What an escape for the nice
+girls!"
+
+A LITTLE MUSIC.
+
+"_I_ hope _you brought your Music with you, dear_;" _i.e._, "If _only_
+she had left it in the cab!"
+
+"_I would with pleasure, but I've such a shocking cold that really,
+&c._;" _i.e._, "I want a little more pressing, and then I'll come out
+strong, and astonish them, I fancy."
+
+"_Oh do! We have been looking forward to your Banjo-solo all the
+evening_;" _i.e._, "With horror!"
+
+CURIOMANIA, ETC.
+
+"_How delightful it must be to have such a hobby!_" _i.e._, "Thank
+heavens, I am not so afflicted!"
+
+"_It must have cost you a heap of money_;" _i.e._, "How he's been
+'done'!"
+
+"_What a wonderful collection of pictures you have here!_" _i.e._, "Must
+say something. Wouldn't give ten pounds for the lot."
+
+RAILROAD AMENITIES.
+
+"_So glad you got into the same carriage. A little of your conversation
+so lightens a long journey_;" _i.e._, "He'll talk my head off, and
+render a nap impossible."
+
+"_Would you like to look at the papers?_" _i.e._, "May keep her tongue
+still for a few minutes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Busy "B."
+
+    [Mr. BANCROFT has just settled one theatrical difference, and now he
+    is engaged on a "far more delicate matter"; i.e., a dispute between
+    a Manager and an Actor.]
+
+  How doth the little busy "B"
+    Employ each leisure hour?
+
+  By arbitrating all the day
+    With great dramatic power.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXTREMES MEET.--"_The Darkies' Africa_" is an Eastern entertainment at
+Weston's Music Hall.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Couldn't Slander and Libel causes be appropriately heard in Sir JAMES
+HANNEN'S Admiralty Court, as "Running Down Cases?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHEAP FARES.
+
+_Passengers._ "WE'RE FULL--THERE'S NO ROOM!"
+
+_Conductor._ "WE MUST MAKE ROOM FOR 'ER. THERE'S ROOM FOR ONE ON THE
+NEAR SIDE 'ERE. B'SIDES YOU'RE ALL SHORT PENN'ORTHS, AND SHE'S A
+FOURPENN'ORTH--GOES THE WHOLE WAY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE PROMISE OF MAY."
+
+(_As the Proletariat paints it._)
+
+    "Since it is incredible that the economic balance can be universally
+    disturbed by local changes, and always in one direction, we must
+    assume a kind of moral contagion as an efficient agent in the
+    wide-spread demand for a revision, of wages and hours of labour.
+    Identical theories and demands, preferred simultaneously in Austria,
+    Germany, France, England, and America, must be largely due to the
+    force of example operating through the modern facility of
+    communication. A universal movement in favour of shorter hours would
+    seem best fitted to secure the amelioration of the labourer's
+    lot."--_The Times._
+
+_Enthusiastic Operative to his Bench-Mate, loquitur:--_
+
+  We must wake and turn out early, bright and early, comrade dear;
+  To-morrow'll be the biggest day of all the sad New Year;
+  Of all the sad New Year, mate, the biggest, brightest day;
+  For to-morrow's the First of May, chummy, to-morrow's _our_ First of May.
+
+  There'll be many a dark, dark eye, chummy, by Thames, and Seine, and
+    Rhine,
+  There'll be SALISBURY, and CARNOT, and _Caprivi_ to peak and pine.
+  For there'll be a stir of the Labourer in every land, they say,
+  And Toil's to be Queen o' this May, chummy, Toil's to be Queen o' _this_
+    May.
+
+  I do sleep sound at night, chummy, but to-morrow morn I'll wake;
+  The Cry of the Crowd will sound aloud in my ear ere dawn shall break.
+  'Twill muster with its booming bands and with its banners gay;
+  For to-morrow's the Feast of May, brother, to-morrow's our Feast of May.
+
+  They've kept us scattered till now, comrade; but that no more may be:
+  Our shout goes up in unison by Thames, Seine, Rhine and Spree.
+  We are not the crushed-down crowd, chummy, we were but yesterday.
+  We're full of the Promise o' May, brother, mad with the Promise of May!
+
+  They thought us wandering ghosts, brother. Divided strength is slight;
+  But what will they say when our myriads assemble in banded might?
+  They call us craven-hearted, but what matter what they say?
+  They'll know on the First o' May, brother; they'll learn on the First
+        o' May.
+
+  They say ours is a dying cause, but that can never be:
+  There's many a heart as bold as TELL'S in the New Democracy.
+  There's many a million of stalwart lads who toil for poorish pay;
+  And they'll meet on the First o' May, brother, they'll speak on the
+        First o' May.
+
+  The tramp of a myriad feet shall sound where the young Spring grass is
+        green,
+  Yon Emperor young shall hear, brother, and so shall our gracious QUEEN,
+  For Labour's hosts to all civic centres shall gather from far away;
+  The Champs de Mars shall greet Hyde Park on this glorious First o' May.
+
+  The lime is budding forth, brother, lilac our cot embowers,
+  And the meadows soon shall be a-scent with the snowy hawthorn flowers;
+  But a bonnier sight shall be the tramping crowds in fustian grey,
+  Flushed with the Promise o' May, brother, the new-born Promise o' May.
+
+  A wind is with their march, brother, that threatens old claims of Class,
+  And the grey Spring skies above them seem to brighten as they pass.
+  Pray heaven there'll be no drop o' rain the whole of the live-long day,
+  To sadden our First o' May, brother, to sadden our First o' May!
+
+  The labourers of Paris, and the toilers of Berlin,
+  Will throng to shout for shorter hours, homes happier, and more "tin."
+  Why even the chilly Times, chummy, is almost constrained to say
+  There is sense in our First o' May, chummy, hope from our First o' May.
+
+  The Governments are a-gog, brother, _Figaro_ owns as much;
+  Property quakes when the countless hands of Labour are in touch.
+  And from Bermondsey to Budapest they are in touch to-day,
+  Linked for the Feast of May, brother, linked for the Feast of May!
+
+  So we must wake and turn out early, bright and early, comrade, dear;
+  To-morrow'll be the grandest day of all the green New Year;
+  To-morrow'll be of all the year the maddest merriest day,
+  For Toil's to be Queen o' the May, brother. Labour is Queen 'o _this_
+        May!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer._)
+
+No. X.--THE MARTYR _INCOMPRISE_.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Martyr _Incomprise_ is one who, having in her home erected a stake,
+ties to it her husband, and then having set alight the faggots which her
+own hands have piled round him, calls the world to witness the
+saint-like fortitude with which she bears up under the sufferings
+inflicted upon her by her lord and master. She will have been married to
+a man who, though he does not pretend to be above the ordinary frailties
+and failings of human nature, tries honestly, for many years, to make
+her happy. Time after time does this domestic Sisyphus roll the stone of
+contentment up the hill of his wife's temper, and time after time does
+it slip from his hands, and go clattering down into the plain of
+despair. The Martyr is a very virtuous lady, yet she is not satisfied
+with the calm and acknowledged possession of her virtues. She adds them
+to her armoury of aggravation, and uses them with a deadly effect. Her
+morality is irreproachable. She studies to make it a reproach to her
+husband, and, inasmuch as her temper is equally compounded of the most
+persistent obstinacy, and the most perverse and unaccountable caprices,
+it is unnecessary to say that she succeeds marvellously in her
+undertaking.
+
+As a girl, the Martyr will have been distinguished by a keen sense of
+wrong, and a total lack of all sense of humour. Having been rebuked by
+her mother for some trifling fault, she will persuade herself that her
+parents detest her, and desire her death. She will spend the next few
+days with her breast luxuriously against the thorn of her fancied
+sufferings. She will weave romances, in order to enjoy the delicious
+sensation of looking on as she withers under injustice into a premature
+coffin, and of watching her cruel parents as they water the grave of
+their victim with unavailing tears. A somewhat lax method of bringing up
+will have enabled her to read many trashy novels. Out of these she
+constructs an imaginary hero, all gushing tenderness and a tawny
+moustache. Having met a young man who fully realises her ideal in the
+latter particular, she promptly assumes his possession of the former,
+and accepts his proposal of marriage. After having all but thrown him
+over on three or four occasions for an insufficient display of romantic
+devotion at dances and tennis parties, she eventually marries him. Soon
+afterwards she discovers that he is not a chivalrous wind-bag, but a
+Man, whereupon she shatters his pedestal, and abandons herself to misery
+amidst the ruins.
+
+And now the full joys of her married martyrdom begin. She withdraws even
+from the affectation of interest in her partner, his friends and his
+pursuits. She spends her mornings in the keeping of a diary, or the
+writing of a novel, in which she appoints herself to the post of
+heroine, and endows her creation with a superhuman combination of
+unappreciated qualities. From the fact that her husband spends a large
+part of each day away from her, either in attending to his business or
+in following a sport, she infers that he has ceased to love her. When he
+returns in the evening, she locks herself into her room, and, having
+thus assured to herself solitude, she converts it, by an easy process,
+into the studied neglect of an unfeeling husband.
+
+She now gathers round herself a select company of two or three female
+friends, whom the easy good-nature of her husband permits to stay in his
+house for months at a time. Into their sympathetic ears she pours the
+story of her woes, and gradually organises them into a trained band of
+disciplined conspirators, who make it their constant object to defend
+the wife by thwarting the husband. They have their signs and their
+pass-words. If the callous male, for the enjoyment of whose hospitality
+they seem to gain an additional zest by affecting to despise and defy
+him, should intimate at the dinner-table that he has ventured to make
+some arrangement without consulting them, they will raise their
+eyebrows, and look pityingly at the wife. She will inform them, in a
+tone of convinced melancholy, that she has long suspected that she was
+of no importance to any one, but that now she knows it for certain. She
+will then tell her husband that, as she is no longer allowed to interest
+herself in what he does, she has of course no opinion on the matter in
+hand, and that, if she had one, she would never think of offering it
+when she knows that all interference on her part is always so bitterly
+resented. Her husband's temper having exploded in the orthodox marital
+manner, she will smile sweetly upon him, and, the butler and footman
+having entered with the fish, will implore him, in a voice intended
+rather for the servants than for him, to moderate his anger, lest he
+should set a bad example. She will then weep silently into her tumbler,
+and her friends, after expressing a muttered indignation at the
+heartlessness of men, will support her tottering steps from the room. If
+her husband should invite one or two of his friends to dinner on a
+subsequent occasion, she will amuse herself and madden him by recounting
+to them this incident, in which she will figure as a suffering angel,
+whose wings have moulted under the neglect and cruel treatment of an
+unangelic spouse. If, while her story is in progress, she should observe
+her husband writhing, she will inform him that she is sure he must be
+sitting in a draught, and will order the butler to place a screen behind
+him. Having thus called attention to his discomfort, and to the care
+with which she watches over him, she will take offence when he
+countermands the screen; and, after giving the company in general to
+understand that she is not allowed to give orders in her own house, she
+will, for the rest of the evening, preserve a death-like calm. This will
+be followed, on the departure of her guests, by showers of tears and
+reproaches, the inevitable prelude to twenty-four hours of salts and
+seclusion in the privacy of her bed-room. It is curious to note that,
+although the Martyr, at an early period of her married life, developes a
+distaste for going into society, which she attributes to the persecution
+of her husband; yet she always contrives to spend as much money as those
+who live in a whirl of gaiety. Her bills, therefore, mount up, and, in a
+moment of unguarded pecuniary prudence, her husband will remonstrate
+mildly with her upon her extravagance. She will, thereupon, accuse him
+to her friends of meanness, and avow her determination never again to
+ask him for money. For a short time she will pay portions of her own
+bills, but, finding her pin-money insufficient for the purpose, she will
+sell some jewels, and spend the proceeds on a new tea-gown. Her
+increasing liabilities will afford her no anxiety, seeing that her sense
+of martyrdom increases in proportion, and that in her heart of hearts
+she knows that her husband is prepared to pay everything, and will
+eventually have to do so.
+
+After some years of this life her husband will have acquired the
+reputation of a domestic ruffian. Friends will shake their heads, and
+wonder how long his sweet wife will bear up against his treatment. It
+will be reported, on the authority of imaginary eye-witnesses, that he
+has thrown a soup-plate at her, and that, on more than one occasion, he
+has beaten her. He will find himself shunned, and will be driven for
+society and pleasure to his bachelor haunts. His wife will now rage with
+jealousy over a defection she has done her best to cause. After a time
+she will hire the services of a detective, and will file a petition in
+the Divorce Court. The case will probably be undefended, and the Court
+having listened to her tale of cruelty, the imaginative boldness of
+which will startle even the friend who corroborates it in the
+witness-box, will decree to her a divorce from the supposed author of
+her sufferings. She will then set up for a short time as an object of
+universal pity, but, meeting a bluff and burly widower, she will accept
+him as her second husband. After having wearied of her constant recital
+of her former misery, this husband will begin to neglect and ill-use her
+in good earnest. Under the tonic of this genuine shock, her spirits may
+revive; and it is as likely as not that she will enjoy many years of
+mitigated happiness as the wife of a real tyrant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE NOVELTIES.--Sir,--The Fasting Man seems to have been a great
+success. Why shouldn't he be succeeded by The Stuffing Man, The Eating
+Boy, and The Talking Man. The last of these would be backed to talk
+incessantly on every possible subject for forty days. In the Recess,
+what a chance for Mr. GLADSTONE, or, indeed, for any Parliamentary
+orator, who, otherwise, would be on the stump! Instead of his going to
+the Country, the Country, and London, too, would come to him. Big
+business for Aquarium and for Talking Man. Then there would be The
+Sneezing Man, The Smoking Man, The Singing Man, The Drinking Man, and so
+forth. It's endless. I only ask for a per-centage on gate-money, and I
+place the idea at the disposition of the Aquarium.
+
+Yours,
+
+  THE OTHER MAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YET ANOTHER QUARTERLY.--_Subjects of the Day_--sounds like an Algerian
+publication--is a quarterly review of current topics. The motto of this
+new quarterly review of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE'S is "_Post Tenebras Lux_"
+which, being freely translated, means, "after the heavy reviews this
+comes as a little light reading!" Ahem! the subject of No. 1 is
+Education, and to study the essays in this volume will keep any reader
+well occupied till the appearance of No. 2.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LEGEND OF THE BRIAR-ROOT.
+
+(_Suggestion for companion subject to "The Briar Rose," by E.
+Burne-Jones, A.R.A., now exhibiting at Messrs. Agnew & Sons' Gallery,
+Bond Street._)
+
+[Illustration:
+
+THE BRIAR-WOOD PIPE. EFFECT ON THE SMOKERS.
+
+  The fateful odour fumes and goes
+  About the angle of the Nose.
+
+THE BED-ROOM.
+
+  They smoked and smoked a pipe a-piece:
+  Thus did their drowsiness increase.
+
+SHORT CUT THROUGH THE GARDEN.
+
+  The Maidens thought the pipe to fill:
+  They smoked, and now they all lie still.
+
+THE NOSE BOWER. _LA BELLE PIPE-EN-BOIS DORMANT._
+
+  _'Twas five o'clock, the hour of tea;
+  But, having smoked, they're as you see_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIPS FROM THE TAPE.
+
+(_Picked up in Mr. Punch's Own Special City Corner._)
+
+EVER since it became known that, in conformity with the general interest
+in the condition of the Stock and Share Market, now manifested by all
+classes of readers, you had determined to start your own special
+"Corner," for the purpose of keeping your eye on the matter, and had
+appointed me as your "City Commissioner," if I have been flooded with
+applications from Stock-jobbers, tendering their advice, I may say I
+have been literally overwhelmed by applications from clients and
+outsiders, asking me for mine. With five tapes always on the move,
+telephonic communication with everywhere, and my telegraphic address of
+"Panjimcracks," comfortably installed in a third-floor flat in
+commanding premises, within a stone's throw of the Stock Exchange, I
+flatter myself that, at least in all the surroundings of my position, I
+am, acting under your instructions, well up to the mark.
+
+You would wish naturally to know something of the state of the market,
+and would doubtless like to hear from me, if there is any particular
+investment that I can recommend as safe for a rise. I have been giving
+some attention lately to
+
+    PATAGONIAN CROCODILES,
+
+but from news that has reached me from a private and most reliable
+source (I hear that the Chairman and Directors, who have gone off with
+the balance-sheet have disappeared, and have not been heard of for
+months) I should strongly advise, if you hold any of it, to get rid of
+it, if you can, as soon as possible. I have a similar tale to tell about
+
+    HERNEBAY Z'S.
+
+This Stock has been run up by purchasers for the fall; and, though in
+October last it somehow touched 117-3/8, it is now standing at 9-1/4,
+and, spite the rumours of increased traffic receipts (due to the fact
+that a family drove up to the station last week in a cab), artfully put
+into circulation by interested holders, I would certainly get out of it
+before the issue of the forthcoming Report, which I hear, on good
+authority, not only announces the payment of no dividend on the
+Debenture Stock, but makes the unwelcome statement to the shareholders
+of the prospective seizure of the whole of the rolling stock under a
+debtors' summons, a catastrophe that must land the affairs of the
+Company in inevitable bankruptcy. Under these circumstances, I do not
+think I can conscientiously advise you to "hold;" still, you might watch
+the Market for a day or two; but, at any rate, take my advice, and get
+rid of your "Crocodiles."
+
+I subjoin some of my correspondence:--
+
+    DEAR SIR,--I am in the somewhat embarrassing position of being
+    responsible for L5000 under the marriage settlement of a niece,
+    that, owing to my want of financial knowledge, has, I fear, been
+    somewhat injudiciously, if not absolutely, illegally invested by my
+    Co-Trustee. Though the settlement stipulates that only Government
+    Stocks and Railway Debentures are available, I find that the money
+    at the present moment is thus disposed  of:--
+
+                                      Purchasing  Present  Last
+      Security.                       Price.      Price.   Div.
+
+L1000 Kangaroo Copper Trust            193        13-1/8   None
+
+ 2000 Bursters' Patent Coffin Company  157         4       None
+
+ 1000 Battersea Gold Syndicate         235         7-1/2   None
+
+  500 International Balloon Transit    170         Nil.    None
+
+  500 Bolivian Spasmodics              194         9-1/8   None
+
+You see it is not so much the depreciated value of the Securities, which
+certainly read well, but the absence of the Dividend which perplexes me.
+What would be your advice? Should I sell, or continue to hold?
+
+    A PUZZLED TRUSTEE.
+
+We should certainly hold.
+
+    SIR,--Acting on the advice of a friend who is in the Directorate, I
+    have largely invested in the Automatic Hair-cutting Company. Owing,
+    however, to the fact that customers, who will not hold their heads
+    properly, have on several occasions latterly had their ears trimmed,
+    and a pattern cut on their necks, several actions for heavy damages
+    have been brought against the concern. These having been successful
+    in every case, the Company is virtually ruined, and the shares are,
+    in consequence, almost unsaleable. What should I do with mine?
+
+    AN ANXIOUS SPECULATOR.
+
+Hold. The Company has evidently touched bottom. Wait for the rise.
+
+You will see from the above specimens, taken at random from a heap of
+others, that I utterly deprecate panic. "Never cut losses" is the
+wholesome and cheerful advice I give all my clients. There cannot be a
+doubt about it being thoroughly sound; for it stands to reason if no one
+were to sell out, no securities would ever fall. So, to nine out of ten
+who ask my advice I invariably say, "Hold." Though I have several stocks
+in prospective, the movements of which I am watching most attentively, I
+have, I confess, hardly got things into proper working order yet, but I
+have a grand scheme on foot that will, I fancy, take the wind out of the
+sails of many hitherto successful Stockdealers. In my new system
+three-and-sixpence will cover L500! Here will be a chance for even the
+schoolboy to taste the delights of Monte Carlo. But more of this later.
+Suffice it to say, that I have a "Combination Pool" in my eye, that if I
+can only carry out with the right sort of stock, ought to make the
+fortune of every one concerned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Charles Wynd'em Up.]
+
+THEATRICAL SHORT SERVICE BILL.--CHARLES THE SECOND (WYNDHAM) is
+following in the footsteps of CHARLES THE FIRST (MATHEWS) and beginning
+to play several short pieces as one entertainment, instead of giving a
+three-act farce or comedy, and one brief and unimportant curtain-raiser.
+At least, he is _Trying It On_. How far preferable, in the summer and
+autumn season, would be an evening bill of fare consisting of three
+_entrees_, each of a different character, and all of first-rate quality.
+The patron of the drama could pick and choose, and be satisfied with an
+hour, or two hours, or three hours' entertainment. How much better for
+the actor's art, too, by way of varying his _roles_. The stall people
+would rather pay the present price of half a guinea for anything,
+however short, which it was the fashion to see, than for a long piece
+which only bores them. To see short pieces, they might come two or three
+times instead of once, and the management could make a reduction on
+taking a quantity.
+
+There is a small fortune waiting for this CHARLES, or t'other CHARLES,
+'yclept HAWTREY, whichever may take up the idea and work it.
+
+  AUDI MAGISTRUM PUNCHIUM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WINDOW STUDIES.
+
+THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE. (THREE CAB-RUNNERS AFTER ONE SMALL PORTMANTEAU.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STANLEY AFRICANUS!
+
+_Mr. Punch loquitur:--_
+
+  "MR. STANLEY, I presume!" Well, the crowd will fuss and fume,
+    From the mob you'll get, no doubt, a noisy greeting:;
+  But I'm pleased to take your hand on the threshold of the land;
+    This is truly a most gratifying meeting!
+  Nay, no need for you to blush, for I am not going to gush
+    There are plenty who'll indulge in fuss and flummery.
+  Heroes like to be admired, but you'll probably be tired
+    Of tall-talk ere this spring greenery shows summery.
+  "An illustrious pioneer," says the Belgian King. 'Tis clear
+    That at any rate you've earned that appellation.
+  True words tell, though tattlers twist 'em, and a "mighty fluvial system"
+    You have opened up no doubt to civilisation.
+  Spreading tracts of territory 'tis your undisputed glory
+    To have footed for the first time (save by savages),
+  The result will be that Trade will there supersede the raid
+    Of the slaver, and the ruthless chieftain's ravages.
+  That is useful work well done, and it hasn't been all fun,
+    As you found in that huge awful tract of forest,
+  And you must have felt some doubt of your chance of winning out
+    Of all perils when your need was at the sorest.
+  Mortal sickness now and then, and the pranks of lesser men,
+    Must have tried your iron health and steely temper.
+  But, like SCIPIO of old, you 're as patient as you're bold,
+    And you turn up tough and timely, _idem semper_!
+
+  STANLEY AFRICANUS! Yes, that's a fitting name, I guess,
+    For as stout a soul as PUBLIUS CORNELIUS;
+  And now, probably, there's no man will not dub you "noblest Roman,"
+    Though you once had many a foeman contumelious.
+  Have them still? Oh yes, no doubt; but just now they'll scarce speak out
+    In a tone to mar the laudatory chorus:
+  Though when once they've had a look, HENRY mine, in your Big Book,
+    They with snips, and snaps, and snarls, are sure to bore us.
+  Well, that will not matter much if you only keep in touch
+    With all that is humane, and wise, and manly.
+  Your time has been well spent in that huge Dark Continent,
+    And all England's word to-day is, "Welcome, STANLEY!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STANLEY AFRICANUS!
+
+MR. PUNCH (_saluting_). "MR. STANLEY, I PRESUME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+In his _By Order of the Czar_ Mr. JOSEPH HATTON exposes the cruelties of
+Muscovite rule in the most trenchant yet entertaining fashion. The
+headings to the chapters (to say nothing of their contents) are exciting
+to a degree, and consequently it is not altogether surprising that the
+Russian officials, possibly hearing that the three handsome volumes
+might cause a revolution, should have refused them admission to the
+Emperor's dominions. Be this as it may, in each of the aforesaid
+handsome volumes appears a slip of yellow paper, announcing that "it is
+prohibited by the Government of the CZAR from circulation in Russia."
+How fortunate--not, of course, for the Russians, poor things, to be
+deprived of this treat--but how fortunate that it is not prohibited
+_here_! With Mr. JOSEPH HATTON continuously in his thoughts, the BARON
+has sung ever since--not only "_In the Gloaming_," be it understood, but
+during the following day, and well into the succeeding night--"_Best_
+for him (J. H), _and best_ for me (B. DE B. W.)." The novel should have
+a large general circulation, in spite of the boycotting to which it has
+been locally subjected in St. Petersburg, Moscow, and Siberia.
+
+Miss JEANIE MIDDLEMASS has made a step in the right direction by
+publishing _Two False Moves_. Like all her work, the new novel is deeply
+interesting. As it is full of "go," it is sure to be continually on the
+march in the circulating libraries.
+
+In _Miss Mephistopheles_, Mr. FEARGUS HUME gives us a story much in
+advance of _The Mystery of a Hansom Cab_. It is better in construction,
+its character sketches are more life-like, and its literary style is
+superior--therefore there is every chance of its not being so successful
+with the general public.
+
+  BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COURT NAPPING.
+
+MRS. WOOD can't expect to be always the lucky possessor of a _Dandy
+Dick_, nor can Mr. PINERO hope always to be up to that really good
+farcical standard. The good PINERO has nodded over this. _The Cabinet
+Minister_ is an excellent title thrown away. The Cabinet Minister
+himself, Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, in his official costume, playing the flute,
+is as burlesque as the General in full uniform, in Mr. GILBERT'S
+"_Wedding March_," sitting with his feet in hot-water. The married boy
+and girl, with their doll baby and irritatingly unreal quarrels,
+reminded me of the boy-and-girl lovers in _Brantingham Hall_. The mother
+of _The Macphail_--the wooden Scotch figure (represented by Mr. B.
+THOMAS) still to be seen at the door of small tobacconists,--is a
+Helen-Macgregorish bore, curiously suggestive of what Mr. RIGHTON might
+look like in petticoats. Mrs. JOHN WOOD'S part is a very trying one, and
+not what the public expect from her.
+
+[Illustration: Court in the Act; or, Mag-Pi-nero flying to a Wood with a
+few leaves from the Gilbertum Topsyturveycum Bookum.]
+
+Though the piece begins fairly well, yet it is dull until Mr. WEEDON
+GROSSMITH, as _Joseph Lebanon_, comes on the scene in the Second Act,
+when everyone begins to be amused, and ends by being disappointed.
+_Joseph_ remains the hero of the situation, and, cad as he is, the
+behaviour of the ladies and gentlemen towards him reduces them to his
+level, so that, in spite of its being a farce, we begin to pity him as
+we pity Mr. GUTHRIE'S _Pariah_, and as those who remember THEODORE
+HOOK'S novel have pitied that wretched little cad, _Jack Brag_. The part
+is not equal to _Aunt Jack's_ Solicitor, and had Mr. GROSSMITH, by the
+kind permission of Mr. PINERO, departed from the conventional Adelphi
+and Drury Lane type of comic Hebraic money-lender, he would have done
+better. The piece is played with the burlesque earnestness that
+characterised the first performances of _Engaged_ at the Haymarket,
+which piece the Scotch accent recalls to the playgoer's memory. No one
+can possibly feel any interest in the lovers.
+
+As a rule Mr. PINERO'S stage-management is simple and effective: but
+here the design is confused and the result is an appearance of restless
+uncertainty. Drumdurris Castle seems to be a lunatic asylum, of which
+the principal inmates are two elderly female patients, one, like a
+twopence-coloured plate of some ancient Scotch heroine, with a craze
+about Scotland, and the other mad on saying "Fal-lal," and screaming out
+something about "motives." If eight of the characters were cut out,
+"they'd none of 'em be missed," and if the play were compressed into one
+Act, it would contain the essence of all that was worth retaining, and,
+with a few songs and dances, might make an attractive _lever de rideau_
+or "laughable farce to finish," before, or after, a revival of _Dandy
+Dick_.
+
+  AMICUS CANDIDUS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PROVERBS UP TO DATE.
+
+An acre of land in Melbourne is better than two miles in the bush.
+
+Not enough at the Aquarium pays better than a feast.
+
+You may start a train punctually from the terminus, but you can't get it
+to keep its time _en route_.
+
+You can't make an English purse out of an Irish Land Bill.
+
+A Tea Duty will annoy for ever.
+
+It is the early Tram-man who holds the morning meeting.
+
+Look after the wire-fences for the horses and the hounds will take care
+of themselves.
+
+A man may go nine times to Holloway for contempt, and after the tenth
+visit come before the Official Receiver and be broke.
+
+A School Board is soon parted from its money.
+
+Give a dog a muzzle and you needn't chain him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE ROOSE'D TO IT,"--We've heard plenty about _diner a
+la Roose_, and the _Here and There and Everywhere and Fare of London
+Life_, but now we are to have _Fasting a la Roose_. Vide article in May
+number of _New Review_ on Fasting, by Dr. ROBINSON CRUSOE,--beg
+pardon,--should have said Dr. ROBSON ROOSE O. Article not variation on
+ROOSE O'S Dream, but thoroughly practical.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEEK BY WEEK.
+
+_Wednesday, April 30._--_Mr. Punch_ rises early and appears everywhere.
+Whole holiday. General rejoicings. Grand Banquet in the evening as
+usual. Private Reception of Mr. STANLEY, I presume. No one admitted
+without orders--on his uniform. Great reception of Mr. H. M. STANLEY by
+his Hairdresser.
+
+_Thursday, May 1._--Headaches. Chimney Sweeper's Day. Sootable occasion
+for Sweeping Reform Meetings everywhere. N. B.--Edinburgh Exhibition.
+Scots wha' hae. Reception of Mr. H. M. STANLEY by the eminent Explorer's
+tailor, bootmaker, and hosier.
+
+_Friday, May 2._--Strictly Private View of the Pictures at Burlington
+House. Admissions limited to not more than 100,000 patrons of Art. Quiet
+day. Everybody preparing speech for the Academy Banquet to-morrow.
+Deputation to Mr. H. M. STANLEY from Aquarium, to ask if he will take
+SUCCI'S place.
+
+_Saturday._--Great Cooking Match at the Cafe Royal, Lunch Time, Trial
+Steaks. Opening of the front door by Mr. H. M. STANLEY. Snug little
+dinner at Burlington House. Sir FREDERICK, P. R. A., in the chair.
+Musical entertainment by Mr. WHISTLER. Fireworks by Mr. H-RRY F-RN-SS.
+
+_Sunday.--Dies Non._ No Day!! Curious effect. Gas lighted everywhere.
+Private Banquet to Mr. STANLEY, who discovers the sauce of the lobster,
+and takes it with his salmon. Rejoicings.
+
+_Monday._--Ceremony of changing sentinels at Buckingham Palace. Every
+sentinel very much changed after the operation. Opening of a New Book by
+Mr. H. M. STANLEY. Mrs. SNOOKS'S first dance, if she has learnt it in
+time for to-night.
+
+_Tuesday._--Preparations for to-morrow. The Platelayers' annual
+festival, ROBERT, the Waiter, in the chair. Reception by Mr. H. M.
+STANLEY, of a parcel from his tailor's. Usual banquets, dances, races,
+excursions, alarums.
+
+_Wednesday._--_Mr. Punch_ comes out stronger than ever. Congratulatory
+telegrams from all parts of Europe. Banquet as usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.
+
+[Illustration: The Scandinavian Composer.]
+
+_Tuesday, April 22._--Mr. BENNETT'S Libretto of _Thorgrim_ good from
+literary point of view; poor from dramatic ditto. Composer COWEN not
+possessing dramatic power sufficient for two, cannot supply the want.
+Sestett and Chorus, end of Act II., skilfully worked up, and received
+with acclamation. Opera, in a general way, Wagnerish. Orchestration
+shows the hand of a master, Master COWEN. Local colour good, but too
+much local colour spoils the Opera. Mr. McGUCKIN is _Thorgrim_ to the
+life; singing, acting, and make-up admirable. Miss ZELIE DE LUSSAN
+highly commendable. Miss TREMELLI, mother of _Helgi_ (an ugly name and
+scarcely mentionable to ears polite), loud and leading as a
+lady-villain. _Helgi_ and _Arnora_ are first cousins (not once removed)
+to _Telrammond_ the Tedious and _Ortrude_ the Orful. Mr. CELLI as
+_King_, a sort of Scandinavian BEAU BRUMMEL, imparts light comedy touch
+to Opera, which, but for this, might have been a trifle dull. COWEN
+called, came, congratulated. H. R. H. Prince of WALES, setting the best
+example, as he always does, to Opera-goers, came at the beginning and
+remained to the end.
+
+_April 23._--_Maritana_ delighted everyone. Miss GEORGINA BURNS
+splendid. Mr. JOHN CHILD, as _Caesar_, good child. Mr. LESLIE CROTTY good
+for _Jose_.
+
+_April 26._--_Lohengrin._ _King_ played by POPE with considerable amount
+of temporal power. F. DAVIES good as the _Herald_, but which _Herald_ he
+is, whether the "Family" or "New York" not quite clear. Incidental music
+by amateurs in the Gallery, who, in lengthy interval between Second and
+Third Scenes of Last Act, whistled "_We won't go home till morning!_"
+
+Carl Rosa Opera season soon over, then Drama at Drury Lane, and Italian
+Opera at Covent Garden. AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS
+COUNTICOUNCILLARIUS (Sheriff _in posse_, Alderman _in futuro_, and Lord
+Mayor _in futurissimo_) keeps the ball a rolling at both Houses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STRICTLY PRIVATE VIEW, ROYAL ACADEMY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE KNOW.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._)
+
+The Duke of DUMPSHIRE seems to have been much annoyed by my statement
+that he killed two trainers with his own hand, for being caught watching
+a trial of his Derby horses, and that the Jockey Club took no action. I
+beg to inform his Grace and those who approve his methods, that I care
+no more for their annoyance than I do for the muddy-minded lucubrations
+of Mr. JEREMY and his servile tribe of moon-calves. I have public duties
+to perform, and if, in the course of my comments on racing, I should
+find myself occasionally compelled to run counter to the imbecile
+prejudices of some of the aristocratic patrons of the turf, I can assure
+my readers that I shall not flinch from the task. I therefore repeat
+that, in the middle of last month, the Duke of DUMPSHIRE killed two
+trainers, and that up to the present time the Jockey Club have not
+enforced against him the five-pound penalty which is specially provided
+by their rules for offences of this sort. When Mr. JACOBS, who has no
+aristocratic connections, ventured to lynch a rascally tout on Newmarket
+Heath last year, he was made to pay up at once. The contrast is
+suggestive.
+
+A lot of jannering nonsense has been talked about _Bazaar_ by the
+Will-o'-the-Wisps who mislead the long-suffering public in turf matters.
+_Bazaar_ is by _Rector_ out of _Church Mouse_, and in his pedigree are
+to be found such well-known roarers as _Boanerges_ and _Hallelujah
+Sal_--not much of a recommendation to anybody except Mr. JEREMY. His own
+performances are worse than contemptible. As a two-year old, he was
+placed second at eight stone to _Candlestick_ in the Warmington Open
+Welter Handicap. After that he sprang a curb in the middle of his back,
+and the fools who train him actually brought him out to run in the
+All-aged Selling Plate at Ballymacwhacket. He won the race easily enough
+of course, but only an impostor, whose head was stuffed with horsehair,
+would attach the least importance to that. Since then he has eaten two
+pairs of spurs, a halter, and half of a jockey, which scarcely looks
+like winning races. I have now relieved my conscience on the matter, so
+if the puddle-brains wish to back him, their loss must lie at their own
+doors.
+
+The Marquis de MILLEPARDON has bought _Chowbock_ for L2000. At the last
+Epsom Meeting _Chowbock_ showed himself a fine pace-maker in an East
+wind, having cantered in from _Sister Mary_, who as good as walked round
+_Vilikins_ when the latter was being tried without his pastern-pad on
+the Cotswold Hills. At the same time it must be remembered, that _Sister
+Mary_ only got home by a length from _Smockfrock_, after having been
+double-girthed and provided with a bucket of POCOCK'S antiseptic,
+anti-crib-biting condition balls for internal application over the
+Newmarket T. Y. C.
+
+Next week, I may have something to say about Derby prospects. For the
+present, I can only advise would-be investors to steer clear of Mr.
+JEREMY and his quacking, goose-headed parasites.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF NAME.--M. SUCCI, having succeeded in existing for forty days
+on water alone, will henceforth be known as Water-SUCCI.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.
+
+"IS THIS A DAGGER THAT I SEE BEFORE ME?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW I WELCOMED STANLEY.
+
+(_Notes of a Very Important Journey._)
+
+Left Victoria by special train. On my road met my dear old friend BROWN.
+We were boys together. Nothing I would not do for him. BROWN says the
+dearest object of his life is to welcome STANLEY. Can't I take him with
+me? (This on learning the nature of _my_ expedition.) He is off to
+Canada to-morrow--early. More sorry than I can say--impossible. Only
+invitation for "one." One, myself. He sighs and we part--it may be for
+years, it may be for ever. Sorrowful, but cheered up by party in special
+train. Everybody in great spirits going to welcome STANLEY. Dearest
+object of everybody's life. To pass the time tell one another stories of
+adventure. Man who was in the Franco-German War explains how he would
+have defended Metz if he had been BAZAINE. Man who went through the
+Soudan (perhaps a trifle jealous), says if he _had_ been BAZAINE he
+wouldn't have defended Metz at all, because BAZAINE was a traitor. Row
+imminent, so cut in with my adventure in a life-boat. Graphic account.
+Ship springing a-leak; men at the pumps; boats given up to the women and
+children. The good ship--well, never mind the name of ship; have
+forgotten it--lurches, gives one long roll, and sinks! Remaining
+passengers, headed by myself, swarm up the rigging to the mizzen-top.
+High sea, thunder and lightning. Great privations. Sun sinks in red,
+moon rises in green. All hope gone, when--hurrah, a sail! It is the
+life-boat! Slung on board by ropes. Rockets and coloured lights let off.
+The coxswain calls upon the crew to "pull blue," or "pull white."
+Startling adventures. On the rocks! Off them! Saved! Everybody pleased
+with my story. Keep to myself the fact that I have only once in my life
+been on board a life-boat--when it was practising off Lynton. No more
+stories after mine. Company (disheartened) break up into groups. Pleased
+with the scenery. After all, there is no place like Dover--when you stop
+there. Glad I am not going to welcome STANLEY on the other side of the
+Channel. London, Chatham and Dover Railway arrangements capital,
+especially when you are travelling _en prince_.
+
+Ah, here we are at Dover! Meet JONES--of course, he is going to welcome
+STANLEY. So are SNOOKS and SMITH. And, as I live, old TOMPKINS! Well,
+this is very plucky of old TOMPKINS. Thought he was dead years ago. Says
+he would not miss STANLEY for worlds. More would I. Great privilege to
+welcome him. Feel it most deeply. The greatest explorer of the age. But
+sea-air has made me a trifle hungry and thirsty. I daresay lunch is
+going on somewhere. Find it isn't! Deputation of Vergers, seemingly from
+Canterbury Cathedral, headed by a beadle, carrying an ear-trumpet,
+forcing their way through crowd. Police arrangements the reverse of
+satisfactory. Distinguished proprietor of influential newspaper
+hustled--possibly mistaken for EMIN PASHA, who would be _de trop_ on
+such an occasion. But must have lunch. Not up to form of Signor SUCCI.
+So avoid the brilliant but giddy throng, and find out a favourite little
+restaurant close to the Lord Warden. French _plats_ and some excellent
+_Grave_. Know the _Grave_ of old--seldom asked for, and so kept long in
+bottle. Order a nice little luncheon and feel rather sleepy. Luncheon
+ready. Do it justice, and fancy suddenly that I am in charge of the lamp
+in a lighthouse. Rough night. Ah! the life-boat! manned by old TOMPKINS
+(adventurous chap old TOMPKINS) SNOOKS, JONES, SMITH and BROWN. Thought
+latter had gone to Canada! Open eyes with a start. Waiter and bill.
+Bless me, how late it is. Must be off at once to welcome STANLEY. Meet
+old TOMPKINS, SNOOKS, JONES and SMITH instead. They tell me that they
+have all welcomed STANLEY. Found him being "run into" the train by two
+policemen! Thought him looking very well. Didn't I? Ask, where is he
+now? Don't I know? Why gone back by the special! Thought I must have
+missed it on purpose. Hurry away in bad temper. May catch him up. Pop
+into fast train just starting. Scenery bad. Weather horrid. Fellow
+travellers unsupportable. Ah, here we are at last at Victoria. One
+satisfaction--BROWN didn't welcome him either. Why here _is_ BROWN on
+the platform--do him a last good turn--describe STANLEY. I tell him that
+the great explorer looks younger than ever, wears big cap, white suit,
+revolver and field-glasses. Every inch a portrait in the _Daily
+Graphic_! BROWN says, "That's strange, as he didn't look like _that_
+when _he_ saw him!" Appears BROWN put off trip to Canada to welcome him.
+Can't be helped! Shall meet STANLEY somewhere (movements advertised
+daily in the _Times_) and when I _do_ won't I give him a bit of my mind,
+for not waiting long enough to let me welcome him!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, April 21._--House really beginning to fill
+up. HARTINGTON back from the Riviera. First time he has appeared this
+Session; lounged in with pretty air of having been there yesterday and
+just looked in again. Blushed with surprise to find Members on both
+sides welcoming him with cheer.
+
+"We all like HARTINGTON," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "Of course we
+liked him better when he agreed with our opinions; but we can't all keep
+straight, and he's gone wrong. Still, we bear him no malice. Sorry he
+was ill; glad he's better. Must encourage this benevolent attitude
+towards him, since it enables us, with fuller vigour to denounce
+CHAMBERLAIN. You see, when we howl at CHAMBERLAIN, they can't say we are
+simply moved by personal spite, because here we are cheering HARTINGTON
+as he returns to the fray."
+
+JOHN DILLON back too; bronzed with Australian suns; ruddy with the
+breezes of lusty Colorado. Everyone glad to see JOHN back; first because
+everyone likes him; next for reasons akin to those which the SAGE
+frankly acknowledges when cheering HARTINGTON. Even in the evil days
+when JOHN DILLON used to fold his arms and flash dark glances of
+defiance on Speaker BRAND, House didn't include him in same angry,
+uncompromising, denunciation as hurtled round head of WILLIAM O'BRIEN,
+TIM HEALY, and dear old JOSEPH GILLIS. JOHN DILLON sometimes suspended;
+occasionally sent to prison; but the honesty of his motives, the purity
+of his patriotism, always acknowledged. Mistaken, led astray (that is to
+say differed from us on matters of opinion), but meant well.
+
+[Illustration: The Sage.]
+
+"Yes, TOBY," said the SAGE, lighting another cigarette; "always well
+when you're going it hot for a Party to have some individual in it whom
+you can omit from general implication of infamous motives. Gives one
+high moral standpoint, doncha know. Thus, when I want to suggest that
+THE MARKISS is a mere tool in hands of BISMARCK, I extol honest purposes
+of OLD MORALITY; hint, you know, that he is not so sharp of perception
+as he might be; but that gives him the fuller claim upon our sympathy,
+seeing that he is yoked with a colleague of the natural depravity, and
+capable of the infinite iniquity, which marks the MARKISS'S relations
+with public affairs. The great thing, dear TOBY, in public controversy
+is to assume an attitude of impartiality. When you have to suggest that
+a political adversary was privy to the putting-away of his grandmother,
+do it rather in sorrow than in anger, and if you can find or make an
+opportunity of saying at the same time a kind word for one of his
+colleagues, seize it. That's why we cheer HARTINGTON to-night, and why
+the Tories sometimes admit that JOHN DILLON'S an honest man."
+
+_Business done._--_Parnell_ moved rejection of Land Purchase Bill.
+
+_Tuesday._--COURTNEY on in his famous quick-change scene. One minute he
+is discovered in recesses of canopied chair as Speaker; the next is
+seated at table as Chairman of Committees. SPEAKER, everyone sorry to
+learn, is ill in bed. So COURTNEY doubles his part. Proceeding watched
+with profound interest from Strangers' Gallery. At ten minutes and ten
+seconds to Seven House in Committee of Supply. COURTNEY in Chair at
+table; Mace off the table; TANNER on his legs. As hand of clock falters
+over the numeral ten, COURTNEY gets up, says never a word, wheels to
+right out of Chair and marches to rear. TANNER stops midway in sentence
+and resumes seat. Sergeant-at-Arms bowing thrice advances, lifts Mace on
+to table, and retires. Stranger in Gallery wondering what has become of
+COURTNEY, appalled by discovering him in SPEAKER'S Chair, quite a new
+man. On these occasions marks his swiftly varying condition by altered
+tone of voice. As Chairman of Committees, assumes piping treble voice,
+as Deputy-Chairman drops occasional observations in profound bass.
+
+[Illustration: Sergeant-at-Arms (and Legs).]
+
+"Only thing left to me, dear TOBY," he said, when I congratulated him on
+his treble. "Haven't time to change dress, even if it were permissible;
+must do something to mark wide gulf fixed between Chairman of Committee
+and SPEAKER; so hit upon this scheme. Glad you like the treble; a little
+out of my line, but practice makes perfect."
+
+At Evening Sitting question of Labour and Capital brought on by BARTLEY.
+CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM let House see what a terrible fellow he is. Doesn't
+look the part; but after speech to-night no question of his innate
+ferocity. _Sim Tappertit_ not in it for such blood-curdling remarks. "I
+have," he said just now, "often interfered between Capital and Labour;
+but, thank Heaven! I have never interfered in the character of a
+conciliator."
+
+"Ha, ha!" he cried, a little later, _a propos_ of nothing. "You talk of
+inciting to violence. I have never incited to violence, and wherefore?
+Because, in present state of affairs, with society a vast organised
+conspiracy, violence would recoil on the heads of the Working Classes.
+But, Sir, the time will come when things will be otherwise, and the very
+moment that power is in the hands of the Working Classes I shall incite
+them to violence."
+
+After this House took early opportunity of adjourning. Pretty to see
+Members stealing across Palace Yard in the dark, looking furtively right
+and left, not sure that moment was not come, and SIMON CUNNINGHAME
+TAPPERTIT GRAHAM was not hounding on his "United Bulldogs" against the
+Classes. "We must look out, BROADHURST," said JAMES ROWLANDS, nervously
+rubbing his hand. "It's all very well of your retiring to Cromer. I
+think I shall practise with a revolver; shall certainly carry a
+sword-stick."
+
+_Business done._--Budget Resolutions through Committee.
+
+_Thursday Night._--HOME SECRETARY came down to-day in unusually good
+spirits. Nothing happened of late to give enemy occasion to blaspheme.
+Crewe affair seems quite forgotten; nobody going to be hanged when he
+ought to be reprieved, or reprieved when he ought to be hanged. Seems
+almost as if, after all, life for HOME SECRETARY would be worth living.
+Whatever embarrassments ahead belong to other Departments of Ministry.
+Land Purchase troubles, not the HOME SECRETARY, nor Bi-Metallism either.
+RAIKES been doing something at the Post Office. GOSCHEN been tampering
+with tea, and sinning in the matter of currants. Something wrong with
+the Newfoundland Fisheries, but that FERGUSSON'S look-out. True, ELCHO
+wanting to know about some prisoners taken from Ipswich to Bury in
+chains. Sounds bad sort of thing; sure to be letters in newspapers about
+it. But HOME SECRETARY able to lay hand on heart and swear the chains
+were light. ELCHO blustered a bit. Irish Members, naturally interested
+in arrangements for going to prison, threateningly cheered; but after
+what MATTHEWS had suffered in other times this affair lighter than the
+chains themselves.
+
+Incident had passed; questions on paper disposed of; soon be debating
+Land Purchase Bill; all would be well for at least another day. Suddenly
+up gets HARCOURT; wants to know who is responsible for the design of new
+police buildings on Thames Embankment? Flush of pride mantles brow of
+MATTHEWS. This red-hot building--its gables, its roofs, its windows, its
+doorways, and its twisted knockers--was designed under his direction. It
+is his dower to London, set forth on one of its most spacious sites.
+What does HARCOURT want to know about it? Why is PLUNKET so studious in
+repudiating all responsibility for the thing? Wherefore does crowded
+House cheer and laugh when HARCOURT gives notice to call attention to
+building on Home Office Vote? Can it be possible that here is another
+mistake? Ought he to have hanged the architect instead of encouraging
+him? Always doing things for the best, and they turn out the very worst.
+Been occasionally misunderstood; but did, at least, think that London
+would be grateful for this emanation from the heated architectural mind.
+
+"Looks so like a carbuncle suddenly developed on Embankment, with the
+stately Thames swirling below, that I really thought they would like
+it," said HOME SECRETARY, mopping his furrowed brow. "But there are some
+people, TOBY, who are never pleased, and prominent among them are the
+people of London."
+
+_Business done._--Debate on Land Purchase Bill.
+
+_Friday._--Things rather in a muddle to-day all round. At Morning
+Sitting didn't get Supply which everybody expected would be order of
+day; didn't proceed with Allotments Bill, which was first on Orders. At
+night, PROVAND on first with Dried Currants; MCLAREN to follow with
+Woman's Suffrage, neither turned up, and at half-past eleven by dint of
+Closure, got into Committee of Supply. GEORGE CAMPBELL cruising up and
+down in New Guinea steamer; finally docked. Then ARTHUR WILLIAMS moved
+to report progress; more discussion; OLD MORALITY pounced; Division on
+Closure; COURTNEY named SHEEHY as one of tellers; SHEEHY in Limerick;
+House couldn't wait for him to return; so WADDY brought out of Lobby to
+tell with TANNER. When Closure carried, it was ten minutes past one.
+House bound to rise at one o'clock; Chairman equally bound to put the
+question, which was to report progress. Motion for progress negatived,
+which meant that the House would go on with business; but it being a
+quarter past one Deputy-Speaker must needs leave Chair, and so sitting
+collapsed.
+
+"Dear me!" said BOLTON, "this is hard to understand. Must go off to the
+Garrick and think it over."
+
+_Business done._--None.
+
+[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+98, May 3, 1890., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, MAY 3, 1890 ***
+
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