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diff --git a/30056-0.txt b/30056-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ebb17d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/30056-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1343 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30056 *** + + PUNCH, + + OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MARCH 8, 1890. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "This is what the County Council's Licensing Bill for +Places of Entertainment did _not_ intend, as, according to the latest +authoritative explanation, the L. C. C. does not consider Theatres as +coming under the head of "places of entertainment". Rather hard on the +Theatres!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL AND THE LYCEUM THEATRE. + +APPEAL OF MR. HENRY IRVING. RESULT. + +(_A not impossible Extract from Next Year's Morning Papers._) + +Yesterday, before the Theatres Committee of the London County Council, +the appeal of MR. HENRY IRVING (the well-known actor and manager) against +the decision of the Sub-Committee to refuse a licence to the Lyceum +Theatre, came on for hearing. + +After MR. HENRY IRVING (who appeared in person) had addressed the +Committee at some length, dwelling upon the character of the pieces he +had produced during his management, and the care and expense with which +they had been mounted, several members of the Committee expressed a wish +to put questions to him, which MR. IRVING promised to answer to the best +of his ability. + +MR. HECKLEBURY. I think you told us that _Hamlet_ was one of your +favourite parts? Is it not the fact that the chief character in the play +drives his _fiancée_ to madness and suicide by his cruelty, slays her +father and brother, together with his own step-father, and procures the +death of two of his school-fellows? + +MR. IRVING admitted that this was so. (_Sensation._) + +MR. HECKLEBURY. That is all I wanted to ask you. + +MR. FUSSLER. I understand that you have produced a play called _Othello_ +on more than one occasion; perhaps you will inform us whether the +following passages are in your opinion suitable for public declamation? +(Mr. FUSSLER _then proceeded to read several extracts to which he +objected on account of their offensive signification_.) + +MR. IRVING protested that SHAKSPEARE, and not himself, was responsible +for such passages. + +MR. FUSSLER. Unfortunately, SHAKSPEARE is not before us--and you are. +You admit that you have produced a play containing lines such as +I have just read? That is enough for Us. + +MR. MEDLAM. Unless I am mistaken, the hero in _Othello_ is not only a +murderer but a suicide? + +MR. IRVING. Undoubtedly. (_Sensation._) + +MR. MEDLAM. We have heard something of a piece called _The Bells_. I +seldom attend theatres myself, except in the exercise of my public +functions, but I do happen to have seen that particular play on one +occasion. Does my memory mislead me in saying, that you committed a +brutal and savage murder in the course of the drama? + +MR. IRVING said that, as a matter of fact, the murder took place many +years before the curtain rose--otherwise, the Member's memory was +entirely accurate. + +MR. MEDLAM. Whenever the murder was committed, it remains undetected, +and the criminal escapes all penalty--is not that the case? + +MR. IRVING urged that the Nemesis was worked out by the murderer's own +conscience. + +MR. MEDLAM said that was all nonsense; a person's conscience could not +be made visible on the stage, and here a murderer was represented as +dying several years after his crime, in his own bedroom, respected by +all who knew him. Did MR. IRVING intend to tell them that such a +spectacle was calculated to deter an intending murderer, or did he not? +That was the plain question. + +MR. IRVING thought that intending murderers formed so inappreciable an +element in his usual audiences, that they might safely be left out of +the calculation. + +MR. MEDLAM. But you might have an intending murderer among your +audience, I suppose? + +MR. IRVING'S reply was not audible in the reporters' gallery. + +MR. PARSEEKER. I should like to hear what you have to say about +duelling, MR. IRVING--I mean, is it, or is it not, a practice sanctioned +by the laws of this country? + +MR. IRVING said that he did not quite understand the drift of such a +question; but, since they asked him, he should say that duelling was +distinctly illegal. + +MR. PARSEEKER. You will understand the drift of my question directly, +MR. IRVING. I have made it my business to acquaint myself with your +dramatic career, and I find that you have played as hero at various +times in _Romeo and Juliet_, _Hamlet_, _The Corsican Brothers_, and _The +Dead Heart_, besides _Macbeth_. Am I wrong in saying that in each of +these pieces you fight a duel? + +MR. IRVING. No. I fight a duel in each of them, except _Macbeth_, in +which there is no duel, only a hand-to-hand combat. I do commit a murder +in _Macbeth_. + +A MEMBER. MR. IRVING'S tastes seem rather to run in the direction of +murders. (_Laughter._) + +After the report of the Official Censor upon the general tone of the +Lyceum plays during the last fifteen years had been read a second time +and adopted, the Chairman, without more than a formal consultation with +his colleagues, proceeded to announce the decision of the Committee. He +said that they had not come to their present conclusion without long and +anxious deliberation. They were now the constituted guardians of the +public morals, and must fulfil their functions without fear or favour. +(_Applause._) They must look at the character of the performances at +each theatre, considering only whether they were or were not beneficial +to morality. In the past, under a _régime_ happily now at an end, public +opinion had been shamefully lax, and official control purely nominal; +plays had been repeatedly performed, and even welcomed as classics, +which he did not hesitate to say were full of incidents that were +revolting to all well-regulated minds. SHAKSPEARE, who, with his +undoubted talents, should have known better, was, so far from being an +exception, one of the worst offenders. The Council must free themselves +from the shackles of conventional tolerance. (_Applause._) Evil was +evil--murder was murder--coarseness was coarseness--whether treated by +SHAKSPEARE or anybody else. Nor could the Committee shut their eyes to +the fact that Mr. IRVING'S histrionic ability, and his popularity with +those who attended his exhibitions could only intensify the injurious +effect which such representations must have upon young and +impressionable minds. In his opinion, much as he regretted having to say +so, the Lyceum was nothing less than a School of Murder. It aggravated +rather than extenuated the evil to be told, as they had been told, that +all these deeds of violence had been represented on the stage with every +aid which money, art and research could give. Again, was it desirable +that the Democracy should derive their ideas of the family life of +crowned heads from being admitted into the scandalous secrets of the +household of _Hamlet_? Or did they wish to see an injured husband +following the example of _Othello_? A thousand times no. These things +must be stopped. The Council was very far from taking a Puritanical view +of the question--(_applause_)--they fully recognised that the stage was +a necessary social evil, and, as such, must be tolerated until the +public taste was sufficiently purified to refuse it further countenance; +but, in the meantime, the Council must insure that such exhibitions as +they were prepared to sanction were of a kind consistent with the +preservation of good manners, decorum, and of the public +peace--(_applause_)--none of which conditions, in the unanimous opinion +of the Committee, was fulfilled by the class of entertainment which the +appellant IRVING had, by his own admission, persisted in providing. On +those grounds alone the Committee dismissed the Appeal, and declared the +Lyceum Theatre closed till further notice. He might say, however, that +they might possibly be induced, after a certain interval, to reconsider +the question, and allow the theatre to be reopened on MR. IRVING'S +undertaking to produce dramas of an entirely unobjectionable character +in future. (MR. IRVING begged for some more definite leading as to the +dramas alluded to.) The Chairman said that he had been informed that an +illustrated periodical called _Punch_ was publishing a series of Moral +Dramas, in which the sentiments and incidents were alike irreproachable. +Let MR. IRVING promise to confine himself to these, and the Council would +see about it. ( MR. IRVING then withdrew, without, however, having given +any definite undertaking, and the Committee adjourned.) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PUTTING HIS NOSE OUT OF JOINT." + +_Engineering (to Little Tour Eiffel)._ "WHERE ARE YOU, NOW, MY LITTLE +MAN?"] + + "The Eiffel Tower is 1000 feet high; if the Forth Bridge were put up + on end, it would be 5280 feet in height. The tower has in its + construction 7500 tons of iron; the bridge has 53,000 tons of the + best steel. The tower was made in about six months; the bridge has + required seven years. The Eiffel Tower is a wonderful thing; but, + then, how much more wonderful is the Forth Bridge!"--_Illustrated + London News._ + + _The Bridge._ You took lots of beating, my sky-scraping friend, + But BENJAMIN BAKER has compassed _that_ end; + I am sure Monsieur EIFFEL himself would allow + That the Bridge licks the Tower; so where are you _now_? + + _The Tower._ _J'y suis et j'y reste_, my big friend and great rival, + I hope for a long and a glorious survival; + But don't mind admitting--all great souls are frank-- + That you--for the present at least--take first rank + 'Midst the mighty achievements adorning our sphere + Of our latest of Titans, the Great Engineer. + + _The Bridge._ All hail, Engineering! No wonder you're proud + Of a work in whose honour all praises are loud; + No wonder 'tis opened by princes and peers + Amidst technical triumph and popular cheers; + No wonder that BENJAMIN BAKER feels glad, + Sir JOHN FOWLER and COOPER quite other than sad. + 'Twas a very big job, 'tis a very big day, + And the whole country joins in the Scotchmen's Hooray! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +What train of thought was it that led the indefatigable PERCY FITZGERALD +to write, _The Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, which appears in one of the +most striking wrappers that can be seen on a railway book-stall? How +pleasant if we could obtain a real outside coat-pocket railway guide +just this size. It is a pity that the Indefatigable and Percy-vering One +did not apply to _Mr. Punch_ for permission to reprint the page of +Bradshaw which appeared in _Mr. Punch's Bradshaw's Guide_, marvellously +illustrated by BENNETT, many years ago. This _magnum opus in parvo_ is +really interesting and amusing, but if there is one thing more than +another which he who runs and reads desiderates of an author writing of +time-tables and guides, it is accuracy. Now, in one particular instance, +our PERCY is inaccurate. He writes: "Close on fifty years have passed +by, and the guide with every year has continued, like _Mr. Stiggins_, to +be a 'swellin' wisibly.'" The Brave Baron challenges PERCY to mortal +combat on this issue, defying him to prove that _Mr. Stiggins_ was ever +described within the limits of _Pickwick_, as "swellin' wisibly." Will +the erudite biographer of _Bradshaw_ be surprised to learn, that, in the +first place, the description "swellin' wisibly" was never applied to +_Mr. Stiggins_ at all, but was used by _Mr. Weller_ senior, as +illustrating the condition of a "young 'ooman on the next form but two" +from where he was sitting, who had "drank nine breakfast cups and a +half, and," he goes on to whisper to _Sam_, "_She's a swellin' wisibly +before my wery eyes._" In the second place, the expression was employed +at a time when _Mr. Stiggins_ was not present, but, in his official +character, as "a deligate from the Dorking branch of our society, +Brother _Stiggins_" was in attendance downstairs. With these two +exceptions, one mistake of omission, and one of commission, the Baron +confers his _imprimatur_ on the _Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, and +recommends it to the public. + +For a first-rate, short, well-constructed, and sensationally interesting +story, let me recommend my readers to _The Peril of Richard Pardon_. +Only one possible objection do I see to it, and that is a matter of my +own private opinion, which is, that _Richard Pardon_ is the most +irritating idiot ever created by an author. For the sake of the story, +it was necessary that he should be weak; but he is such a very +backboneless man, and yet quite strong enough to support the fabric of +the plot. Then one is cleverly put off the scent by a certain _Richard +Mortlock_, from whom the reader expects much more than ever comes out. +The sequel of this capital novelette must be _Richard Mortlock_. I have +quite forgotten to say that _The Peril of Richard Pardon_ is by Mr. B. +L. FARJEON, whom I have to thank for making time pass too rapidly on +many a previous occasion. The Hour Before Dinner Series--not that this +is the genuine title, but it might be, and is a suggestion--is a real +"boon and a blessing" to those who, like _Podgers_, in JOHN +HOLLINGSHEAD'S immortal farce, "only have a 'our," not for "their +dinner," but for their novel-reading throughout the day. FARJEON _soit +béni!_ (Signed) _The Baron de Book-Worms._ + + * * * * * + +AN EVENTFUL WEEK. + +(_From a Prophetic Journal of Events, looming possibly somewhere +a-head._) + +_Monday._--London, having now been without coal for sixteen weeks, and +people having kept their kitchen-fires alight by burning their banisters +and bedroom furniture, several noted West-end houses undertake to +deliver the arms and legs of drawing-room chairs ("best screened"), at +£26 5s. a ton for cash. + +_Tuesday._--All the petroleum in the country having now been exhausted +for heating purposes, and Piccadilly being, in consequence, illuminated +by a night-light in one lamp-post in every three, a "Discontented +Ratepayer" commences a correspondence in the _Times_, commenting on the +matter in a severe temper. + +_Wednesday._--Several Colliery Owners, in despair, descend into their +own mines for the purpose of trying to raise some coal themselves, but +their _employés_, declining to assist in hauling them up again, they are +left to their fate, and nothing more is heard of them. + +_Thursday._--A Syndicate of Noblemen determine to try for coal on the +spot, by sinking a mine in the middle of Belgrave Square, when, on +arriving at a depth of 2500 feet, they come across an active volcano, +which proves such a nuisance to the neighbourhood, that the Vestry is +applied to by several parishioners to put a stop to it. On their sending +the Sanitary Inspector to investigate the matter, he orders the mine to +be closed. On this being done, the scheme collapses, several of the +Syndicate, as a consequence, in despair emigrating to Tierra del Fuego. + +_Friday._--A set of studs and a drawing-room tiara of "Best Wallsend," +are shown in a window of a jeweller's in Bond Street, and attract such +crowds that the Police have to be called in to prevent a block in the +traffic, and keep the pavement clear for foot passengers. + +_Saturday._--Furious street riots commenced by a noble Duke in Grosvenor +Place pulling up the wood pavement in front of his house, and having it +carted rapidly into his coal-cellars. The move becoming popular, spreads +in all directions, with the result of leading to serious collisions with +the local Vestry Authorities, who call in the aid of the Police. + +_Sunday._--The Archbishop of CANTERBURY preaches to an enormous +congregation in Westminster Abbey, on the "Plague of Darkness" in Egypt +by the light of a one-farthing candle. This being, by some misadventure, +inadvertently knocked over, the assembled multitude are enabled to +realise, to some extent, the gloomy horrors of the situation as +described by the reverend preacher, and, stumbling over each other, +retire to unlighted streets and fireless hearths, to face another week +of the consequences of the "Trade Problem," with the solution of which +they have been brought face to face. + + * * * * * + +GRAND OLD BILLEE.[A] + + "It is stated that the captaincy of Deal Castle ... is to be offered + to Mr. GLADSTONE, the captaincy being in the gift of the Lord Warden + of the Cinque Ports."--_Daily News._ + +[Illustration:] + + There were three sailors of London city + Who found their (Party) ship at sea, + Although with programmes, authorised and unauthorised, + Most carefully they had loaded she. + + There was greedy JOE and glosing JIMMY, + And the third was named Grand Old BILLEE; + And they were reduced to the piteous prospect + Of grubbing on one split (Party) pea. + + Says greedy JOE to glosing JIMMY, + "For captaincy I am hungaree." + To greedy JOE says glosing JIMMY, + "Then you and I must get rid of _he_." + + Says greedy JOE to glosing JIMMY, + "With one another _we_ should agree. + With me as Captain, and you as First Mate, + If it wasn't for Grand Old BILLEE." + + "Oh, BILLEE, we're going to chuck you over, + So prepare for a bath in the Irish Sea." + When BILL received this information, + His dexter optic winked he. + + "First let me take an observation + From the main-top over the Irish Sea!" + "Make haste, make haste," says glosing JIMMY, + Whilst JOE he fumbled his snickersnee. + + So BILLY went up to the main-top-gallant mast, + And began to count o'er the Irish Sea; + And he scarce had come to eighty-six, or so, + When up he jumps. "Land Ho!" shouts he. + + "I can see Ould Ireland! There's the Bay of Dublin; + With a distant glimpse of Amerikee. + And the Parliament upon College Green, bhoys, + With a right good glass I can (almost) see." + + So they went ashore, and the crew when mustered + Kicked Guzzling JOE, and cashiered JIMMEE. + But as for Grand Old BILLEE, they gave him + Of the old "Deal Castle" the captaincy! + +[Footnote A: As various versions of the popular song of _"Little +Billee"_ have been set to music and sung, no apology is needed for the +insertion in these pages of the version most up to date.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 24._--"Look here, TOBY, M.P.," said +ARTHUR BALFOUR, almost fiercely; "if you suppose that I enjoy this sort +of thing, you're quite mistaken." Hadn't supposed any such thing; +hadn't, indeed, referred to the matter. Only looked at him inquiringly, +as ATTORNEY-GENERAL for IRELAND, trudging stolidly through the mire, +attempted to answer CHARLES RUSSELL. "If I _am_ Irish Secretary, as +TREVELYAN once said, I'm an English gentleman, and if you suppose I have +any sympathy with the sort of thing that goes on at Clongorey, you're +mistaken. But I am answerable for law and order, and law and order I +maintain." + +Thus ARTHUR, quite querulous. Have noticed sometimes, when a man +hopelessly in the wrong, he is inclined to turn on his best friend and +rend him. This Clongorey business, truly, a bad one. When, just now, +SEXTON moved adjournment of House, in order to call attention to it, +Conservatives rose with one accord and went forth. They know WINDBAG +SEXTON of old, and thought he was probably going to favour them with one +of his usual exercises. Better this once have stopped and listened. +Interesting to see how two hundred English gentlemen would have voted +had they learned all about Clongorey. Happily less, far less, than usual +of the windbag about SEXTON. His story, in truth, needed no assistance +from wind instrument. Farms at Clongorey simply strips of reclaimed bog +land, on which struggling tenants had built miserable shanties; got +along in good times; just managed to keep body and soul together, and +pay the rent--rent on land they had literally created, and for huts they +had actually built. Two years ago came a flood; swamped them. Asked +landlord to make temporary reduction on rent, to tide over troublesome +times. Landlord offered a pitiful trifle. What was thought of this shown +by County Court Judge, who, on cases that came before him, permanently +reduced rent by thrice amount of temporary reduction proffered. Judge +further suggested that arrears should be wiped out. Landlord declined to +listen to suggestion. Tenants drowned out by the cruel river, dragged +out by the relentless landlord. Stood by whilst the emergency men +wrenched roofs off their huts, and set fire to the ruins. A neighbour +offered them shelter, enlarging out-buildings on her farm. Down came the +police on workmen engaged in this act of charity. A hundred police, paid +for by tax-payer, swooped down with fixed bayonets on Clongorey, +arrested labourers, handcuffed them, marched them off to police +barracks. + +This is the simple Story of Clongorey, reduced to facts not denied by +BALFOUR or ATTORNEY-GENERAL, divested of all incidental matters alleged, +such as the parading of the handcuffed prisoners through the crowded +streets of the town, the police making raids among the crowd, naturally +gathered to see the sight. "One man had his eyeball burst, another his +skull broken." CHARLES RUSSELL, not given to exaggerated views, somewhat +reputable as a legal authority, with law-books in hand stated his +opinion that, apart from incidents of the foray, magistrates and police +were acting illegally. + +"Well," said LONG LAWRANCE, turning his back on House of Commons, "I'm +glad they've made me a Judge. Have ever been what is called a good +Party-man; believe in BALFOUR; always ready to back him up with my vote; +but, dash my wig (now that I'm going to wear a full-bottomed one) if I +like voting to render possible the repetition of a business like this at +Clongorey. Must begin to cultivate a judicial frame of mind; so I'll go +for a walk on the terrace." LAWRANCE'S view evidently taken in other +quarters of Conservative camp, for, after diligent whipping up, +Ministerial majority reduced to 42. _Business done._--Address agreed to. + +_Tuesday._--Midst a mass of Notices of Motion, a sea of troublous words, +GEORGE TREVELYAN drops in a score which shines forth with light of common +sense. "Why," he asks, "does not Parliament rise at beginning of July, +sitting through winter months for whatsoever longer period may be +necessary for the due transaction of public business?" + +Why not? On Friday, the 14th March, TREVELYAN will put the question in +formal way before House, so that they may vote on it. Conservative +majority may well be expected to support it. No new thing; simply +revival of older fashion. Our great grandfathers knew better than to +swelter in London through July, pass the Twelfth of August at +Westminster, and go off forlorn and jaded in the early days of +September. Hunting men may have objections to raise; but then hunting +men, though eminently respectable class, are not everybody, not even a +majority; may even be spared to go hunting as usual. WALPOLE hunted like +anything, yet in WALPOLE'S day Parliament oftener met in November than +at any other time of year, and with due provision for Christmas +holidays, sat into early summer. The thing can be done, and ought to be +done--will be done if TREVELYAN sticks to it. Not nearly such a +revolution in Procedure as that which, only a couple of years ago, +established the automatic close of Debate at midnight. Who is there +would like to go back to the old order of things in this respect? + +Got into Committee of Supply to-night on Vote for Houses of Parliament. +TONY LUMPKIN turned up again. Last Session, in moment of inspiration, +TONY spluttered forth a joke; likened new staircase in Westminster Hall +to SPURGEON'S Pulpit. It is just as like the River Thames or Finsbury +Park; but that's where the fun lies. Incongruity is the soul of wit. +Everybody laughed last Session when TONY, with much gurgling, produced +this bantling; brings it out again to-night. + +"Can't have too much of a good thing, TOBY," he says, wrestling with his +exuberant shirt-front, and rubbing his hair the wrong way. "Always had +my joke, you know, down in the country. Remember the little affair of +the circuitous drive? This is what you may call my urban class of +humour. SPURGEON'S Pulpit, Ha, ha!"--and TONY walked off delighted with +himself. + +_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates. + +[Illustration: "Spurgeon's Pulpit, Ha, ha!"] + +_Thursday._--Pity that prejudice should be allowed to stand in way of +doing the best thing. Talk just now of pending vacancies on the Bench; +such talk recurrent; sometimes more talk than vacancy. "But I pass from +that," as ARTHUR BALFOUR says, when gliding over knotty points of +question put from Irish Benches. If not vacancy to-morrow, sure to be +within week, or month, or year. Why not make JEMMY LOWTHER a Judge? It +is true he has no practice at the Bar; but he was "called," and, I +believe, went. That is a detail; what we desire in our Judges are, a +certain impressive air, a striking presence, and an art of rotund +speech. JAMES has played many parts in his time--Parliamentary Secretary +to the Poor-Law Board, Under-Secretary for the Colonies, Chief Secretary +for Ireland, and Steward of the Jockey Club. In this last capacity he, a +year ago, temporarily assumed judicial functions. How well he bore +himself! with what dignity! with what awful suavity! with what +irreproachable integrity! + +That this manner is ingrained, is testified to on the occasions, too +infrequent, when JEMMY rises in House. To-night BUCHANAN asked HOME +SECRETARY a question, involving disrespect of rabbit-coursing. JAMES, +the great patron of British sport in all developments, slowly rose, and +impressively interposed. Was his Right Hon. friend, the HOME SECRETARY, +aware that rabbit-coursing, conducted under recognised and established +regulations, affords pastime to large masses of the industrious +population who are unable, from their pecuniary circumstances, to +indulge in the more expensive forms of sport? Those were JEMMY'S words, +each syllable deliberately enunciated. What a study for the aspirant to +Parliamentary style! + +Kindly Earl of RAVENSWORTH, who still haunts the Chamber in which Lord +ESLINGTON once had a place, chanced to hear this question. Delighted +with it. Wished he could introduce something of that sort in House of +Lords. Went about Lobby with his faithful umbrella (companion of his +daily life, wet or shine) murmuring the musical phrases. "Recognised and +established regulations," "afford pastime to large masses of industrious +population," "unable from pecuniary circumstances," "the more expensive +forms of sport." That all very well, but not quite all. Easy enough to +catch the trick of speech; who but JEMMY LOWTHER can add the indefinable +personal gifts which invest even the commonplace with impressiveness? + +_Business done._--Lots. Ministers bring in Bills by the half-dozen. + +[Illustration: Earl and Umbrella.] + +_Friday._--Such _alouettes_! SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, who can't abear +scandals, brought on alleged iniquity of Government in connection with +Cleveland Street affair. Got off his speech; ATTORNEY-GENERAL replied; +then SAGE proposed to offer few supplementary remarks. In course of +these appeared frank declaration of his private opinion that everything +the MARKISS says must be taken _cum grano Salis_-BURY; only the way he +put it was much worse than that. COURTNEY asked him to withdraw. +"Shan't!" said the SAGE. Then COURTNEY named him (calling him, by the +way, "Mr. HENRY LABOUCHERE.") OLD MORALITY, rising to height of duty and +occasion, moved that SAGE be suspended. + +"Oh, hang it!" cried Opposition--"can't agree to that." + +Divided on proposal; beaten, and SAGE hung up for a week. "He'll be +pretty well dried by that time," grimly muttered the ATTORNEY-GENERAL, +whom the SAGE had stroked the wrong way. + +_Business done._--Vote on Account agreed to. + +[Illustration: Grand Historical Picture. Mr. Labouchere struggling with +his Conscience.] + + * * * * * + +"A DOSE OF GREGORY." + +It is some time since I have tasted a dramatic mixture so much to my +liking as Mr. GRUNDY'S Gregory's Mixture, known to the public, and +likely to be highly popular with the public too, as _A Pair of +Spectacles_. Art more refined than Mr. HARE'S, as _Benjamin Goldfinch_ +in this piece, has not been seen on the stage for many a long day; nor, +except in _A Quiet Rubber_, do I remember Mr. HARE having had anything +like this particular chance of displaying his rare skill as a genuine +comedian of the very first rank. + +[Illustration: The Ruffled Hare. "This is your umbrella!"] + +Everyone remembers, or ought to remember, DICKENS'S "_Brothers +Cheeryble_." Well, _Benjamin Goldfinch_ has all the milk of human +kindness which characterised these philanthropic Gemini. As to moral +characteristics, he is these two single gentlemen rolled into one, while +physically, his exterior rather conjures up the picture of _Harold +Skimpole_, though his eyes beam with the youthful impetuosity of old +_Martin Chuzzlewit_ when he caned _Pecksniff_. To this delightfully +guileless good Samaritan, the rough, nay brutal, _Uncle Gregory_ from +Sheffield, with a heart apparently as hard as his own ware, is a +contrast most skilfully brought out by Mr. CHARLES GROVE. Though the +part of _Uncle Gregory_ does not require the delicate treatment demanded +by that of _Goldfinch_, yet it might very easily be overdone; but never +once does Mr. GROVE overshoot the mark, although the author has +imperilled its success by too frequent repetition of a catch-phrase, "I +know that man," "I know that father," "I know that friend," and so +forth, which is sometimes on the verge of becoming wearisome. Indeed, +even now, I should be inclined to cut out at least half a dozen of these +variations of the original phrase. His short but sufficient +representation of the effects of too much lunch on _Uncle Gregory_ is +masterly. So realistic, in the best sense of the word, is the +impersonation of these two characters, that one is inclined to resent +the brutality of _Uncle Gregory_, when one sees the change suddenly +effected in the sweet and sympathetic nature of _Benjamin Goldfinch_, +and when we see him suspicious of everybody, and even of his young wife, +whom he loves so dearly, we murmur, "Oh, what a noble mind is here +o'erthrown!" And, indeed, but that it is impossible to help laughing +from first to last, the final scenes of this charming piece, replete +with touches of real human nature, would send an audience away crying +with joy, to think of the possible goodness existent in the world, of +which one occasionally hears, but so seldom sees, except on the stage. + +[Illustration: Mr. Grove as Gregory the Grater.] + +Not a part in this piece is even indifferently played. The two young +men, Mr. RUDGE HARDING, and Mr. SYDNEY BROUGH, both very good, the +latter having better dramatic opportunities, and making the most of +them. Mr. DODSWORTH just the very man for _Friend Lorimer_; Mr. CATHCART +is _Joyce_, the Butler; and of the two Shoemakers, respectively played +by Mr. KNIGHT and Mr. BYRON, I can only say, "I know those shoemakers." + +As for the Ladies, Miss KATE RORKE looks very pretty, and acts +charmingly as young _Mrs. Goldfinch_; Miss HORLOCK is very nice as _Lucy +Lorimer_, delivering herself of a little bit of picturesque sentiment +about feeding the birds (_Les Petits Oiseaux_ is the title of the old +French piece, if I remember rightly) in a rather too forcedly ingenuous +manner, but behaving most naturally in the interrupted courtship scene, +and being generally very sympathetic. I mustn't omit Miss HUNTER, pink +of parlour-maids, not the conventional flirty soubrette nor the +low-comedy waiting-woman, but a self-respecting, responsible young +person, conscious of her own and her young man's moral rectitude, and +satisfied with quarter-day and the Post-Office Savings Bank. + +Only one single fault have I to find with the piece, and as it cannot be +entirely remedied, though it might be modified, I will mention it. The +title is a mistake; that can't be altered now: but the attempt at +illustrating the double-meaning conveyed in the title by the practical +"business" of changing the material glasses and thus hampering the actor +by the necessity of altering his expression and his manner in accordance +with his deposition or his resumption of these spectacles, seems to me +to be childish to a degree, and tends towards turning this simple tale +into a kind of fairy story, in which the spectacles play the part of a +magic potion or charm, such as Mr. W. S. GILBERT would use in his +_Creatures of Impulse_, his _Fogarty's Fairy_, and his _Sorcerer_, +whenever he wishes to bring about a sudden and otherwise inexplicable +transition from one mental attitude to another, and entirely opposite. +But for the earnestness of the actors, this _reductio ad Fairydum_ would +have imparted an air of unreality to the characters and incidents which +does not belong to them. The plot is a model of neat construction; and, +to everyone at all in doubt as to where to pass an agreeable evening, I +say, "Go to the Garrick Theatre." By the way, a Correspondent suggests +that _A Pair of Spectacles_ is an illustration of "The Hares +Preservation Bill," + + JACK IN A BOX. + + * * * * * + +A DISCLAIMER.--The Right Hon. Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN, M.P., Anti-muzzle-man +and Minister of Agriculture, wishes to deny explicitly that, when, by a +_lapsus calami_, he was made to describe Mr. TAY PAY O'CONNOR as +"peeping from behind the Speaker's chair," he ever intended to fix upon +that honourable gentleman the _sobriquet_ of "Peeping Tom"; nor had he +any idea of sending him to Coventry. What he _did_ say was----but it +doesn't much matter what "he _did_ say," what he _didn't_ say is so much +more to the point. + + * * * * * + +THE STANLEY AND AFRICAN EXHIBITION.--One of the largest contributors +will be Mr. BONNY. This sounds well; at all events, it's BONNY. The +French, who are now welcoming their own private African hero, _le +Capitaine_ TRIVIER, back to his native land, may be induced to place +their trophies under Mr. BONNY'S care, as, if Imperialists, they can +then say they have a BONNY-part in this Exhibition. + + * * * * * + +FROM AN INDIGNANT CORRESPONDENT.--"Sir,--I sent you a joke three months +ago, which you have not used. Since then I have made arrangements for +the joke to appear elsewhere." [What a chance we have lost!--ED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUERIES. + +_He._ "BY THE BYE, TALKING OF OLD TIMES, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT OCCASION +WHEN I MADE SUCH AN AWFUL ASS OF MYSELF?" + +_She._ "_WHICH?_"] + + * * * * * + +"THE BIG GUN!" + +_Grand Old Gunner loquitur:--_ + + 'Tis a regular "Mons Meg" of a cannon! + The swabs, they have been every one, + Very hard the Grand Old (Gunner) Man on, + But what will they think of _this_ gun? + Double shotted, and charged to the muzzle, + And trained by my hands and my eye, + The foes I conceive it will puzzle, + And tempt them to fly. + + Mere skirmishing, up to the present, + With pop-guns, and flint-locks, and such; + But now! They will not find it pleasant, + When once this huge touch-hole I touch. + Mighty CÆSAR! I guess they won't like it; + Great SCOTT! won't it just raise a din? + And don't they just wish they could spike it + Before we begin? + + The fun of it is, they have furnished + The filling themselves, unaware. + The shot they've cast, polished, and burnished, + The powder were prompt to prepare. + It's pitiful, quite, their position, + To see, the unfortunate elves! + Their carefully-stored ammunition + Thus turned on themselves. + + Their batteries big it should batter, + Their trenches should burst and blow up, + Their forces allied it should scatter, + It's worse than an Armstrong or Krupp. + Chain-shot for swift slaughter's not in it, + For spreading it's better than grape, + They'll all be smashed up in a minute, + Scarce one can escape. + + Now, MORLEY, my boy, and brave PARNELL, + _I'll_ lay it; just follow my hand. + That plain will soon look like a charnel, + With all that remains of their band; + The "fragments of him called McCARTY" + (Referred to, I think, in the song) + Were huge chunks to the scraps that their Party + Will show before long. + + They shall see what I can do, when ready, + As Grand Old (Artillery) Man. + Right, PARNELL! left, MORLEY! Now, steady!!! + Stop! Just one last peep, whilst I can! + I _do_ hope, dear boys, there's no blunder; + I _think_ it is loaded all right. + Are they horribly frightened, I wonder? + Well, now for a sight!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE BIG GUN!" + +GRAND OLD GUNNER (_inspecting Cannon_). "IT'S BEAUTIFULLY LOADED! WHY, +THE MERE LOOK OF IT IS ENOUGH TO SHAKE SM-TH'S 'RESOLUTION.'"] + + * * * * * + +OLD FRIENDS AND COUNSEL. + +Our old friend MADDISON MORTON'S _Box and Cox_ runs SHAKSPEARE'S works +generally very near in the matter of daily application. But fancy its +being quoted as an authority by Sir HORACE DAVEY, in his masterly reply +to t'other side in the Bishop of LINCOLN'S case. Yet so it was. "Bishop +COSIN," said Sir HORACE, "had erroneously assumed that a letter had been +written by CALVIN to KNOX, whereas it had been really written to an +Englishman named Cox." So it was a mistake of the postman, after all, +and it only wants the introduction of the name of Box to make the whole +thing perfect and satisfactory. "It will be within the recollection of +the Court," Sir HORACE might have continued, "that Cox was prevented +from becoming the husband of PENELOPE ANNE, relict of WILLIAM WIGGINS, +Proprietor of Bathing Machines at Margate and Ramsgate, by the sudden +and totally unforeseen union of the lady in question with one KNOX, +whose residence, as the Musical Revised Version has it, was usually 'in +the Docks'; and with this marriage of PENELOPE ANNE WIGGINS with Mr. +KNOX of the Docks, Messrs. BOX AND COX professed themselves entirely and +completely satisfied, as it is my earnest hope that Your Grace, and My +Lords the Bishops, will also be. And should this be the result, then I +assure Your Grace that there will not be a happier party sit down this +night to supper than 'READ and others,' of which fact you may take your +Davey." + +On the Learned Counsel resuming his seat, there would have been +considerable applause, which, of course, would have been instantly +suppressed. + + * * * * * + +NOTES "IN GLOBO."--_Dorothy_ was long ago taken off the stage of the +Prince of Wales's to make room for _Paul Jones_. But another DOROTHY has +recently reappeared at the Globe Theatre in the pretty Shakspearian +fairy-play entitled, _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, wherein DOROTHY DENE +enacts the part of _Hippolyta_. By the way, the lady who used to speak +of that immortal work, _Dixon's Johnsonary_, the other day referred to +SHAKSPEARE as being "contemporaneous with that great wit--dear me--what +was his name?--who wrote _Every Man in his own Humour_--oh, I +remember--JOHN BENSON." Eminently satisfactory. + + * * * * * + +MY TAILOR. + +[Illustration:] + + "The St. Petersburgh tailors have hit upon an effectual device for + obtaining payment of their bills. Immense black-boards are hung up + in the most conspicuous place in the reception-room; thereon are + chalked, in letters as big as arrow-headed inscriptions, the names + of their hopelessly-indebted clients, and the amount of their + indebtedness." + +_Daily Paper._ + + Who always seemed serene and bland; + Who never asked for "cash in hand," + Quite pleased that my account should "stand"? + My Tailor! + + Who catered for the gilded throng, + Who chid me when my taste was wrong, + Whose credit--and whose price--was long?-- + My Tailor! + + Who chatted when I felt depressed, + Who proffered wine with friendly zest, + Whose weeds were ever of the best?-- + My Tailor! + + Who with sartorial oil anoints + My vanity, who pads my joints, + And fortifies my weakest points?-- + My Tailor! + + But who in future, much I fear, + Will greet me with no words of cheer, + But talk of "settling"--language queer?-- + My Tailor! + + Who silently will point his hand + To figures white on black-board grand. + Where all my unpaid "items" stand?-- + My Tailor! + + Who'll thus expose me to my peers, + Bring on me jibes, and flouts, and sneers, + Male sniggerings, and female tears?-- + My Tailor! + + Who'll frown when I suggest a loan, + And ne'er produce Clicquot or Beaune, + But for his "checks" demand my own?-- + My Tailor! + + Who'll take my "measures" when he wills, + But only if I take his "bills," + And add one more to human ills?-- + My Tailor! + + * * * * * + +TAKEN AS YOU LIKE IT. + +MY DEAR EDITOR, + +It was most kind of you to ask me to go to the St. James's Theatre, the +other evening, to see Mrs. LANGTRY, after I had told you that since my +recovery from the influenza, I had unfortunately lost my memory. "Don't +you know anything about _As You Like It_?" you asked. I pondered deeply, +and then replied, that I half fancied it was a GERMAN REED'S +Entertainment, that would have gone better had it included a part for +Mr. CORNEY GRAIN. You told me I was wrong, but intimated that my +ignorance on the subject would make my notice the more impartial. So I +went. + +As to the play--was I pleased with _As You Like It_? Well, I have known +worse, but I have seen better. It seemed a mixture of prose and verse, +with several topical allusions that appeared, somehow or other, to have +lost their point. For instance, a dull dog of a jester (played in a +funereal fashion by Mr. SUGDEN) stopped the action of the piece, for +what seemed to me (no doubt the time was actually less) some +three-quarters of an hour, while he explained the difference between the +"retort courteous" and "the reproof valiant." The plot was as thin as a +wafer, but as it is, no doubt, generally known, I need not further refer +to it. Mrs. LANGTRY was a most graceful and pleasing _Rosalind_. She +acted with an earnestness worthy of a better cause, and afforded not a +trace of the amateur. Of Miss VIOLET ARMBRUSTER as _Hymen_, I might say, +with a friend who spent several hours in knocking off the impromptu-- + + TO A SEASONABLE VIOLET. + + Had always Hymen + Such mien, such carriage, + You ne'er would fly, men, + The state of marriage! + +[Illustration: A New Piece.] + +Mr. LAWRENCE CAUTLEY, as _Orlando_, had an uphill part. At times (thanks +to the author) he appeared in situations that were absolutely +ridiculous. For instance, he leaves an old retainer (capitally played by +that soundest of sound actors, Mr. EVERILL) dying of starvation, and, +sword in hand, appears at a pic-nic of the banished _Duke_, to demand +refreshment. "I almost die for food, and let me have it," says +_Orlando_, and is welcomed by the _Duke_ to his table. And what does +_Orlando_ do? Does he seize the boar's head, or something equally +attractive, and rush back to his fainting servitor with the prize? Not a +bit of it! He leisurely delivers fourteen lines of blank verse about the +"shade of melancholy boughs," "the creeping hours of time," and +"blushing, hides his sword!" In my neighbourhood happened to be one of +the greatest advocates of our generation, and I heard this legal +luminary whisper, "while that fellow is talking, the old servant will +die of starvation," and the legal luminary was entirely and absolutely +right. _Adam would_ have died of starvation while his garrulous master +was posturing. A country wench called _Audrey_ was admirably +impersonated by Miss MARION LEA, and the remainder of the cast was, on +the whole, satisfactory. Stay, it is only just that I should single out +for special commendation Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER, who played a character, +to whom reference was frequently made as "the melancholy _Jaques_," +faultlessly. Here again the author committed an indiscretion. _Jaques_ +(by the way, why was not Mr. SUGDEN'S _rôle_ described as, "the more +melancholy _Touchstone_?") is permitted to stop the action of the piece +to deliver some thirty lines commencing with the trite truism, "all the +world's a stage." Mr. BOURCHIER spoke his words with excellent +discretion, but I cannot help thinking that, in the cause of Art, the +speech should have been cut out, and I have no doubt, that Mr. +BOURCHIER, as a true artist, will cordially agree with me. + +And so, to quote Mrs. LANGTRY in the Epilogue, "farewell;" but in spite +of what you have said to the contrary, I am still of opinion, my dear +Editor, that _As You Like It_ must have been originally intended for Mr. +and Mrs. GERMAN REED'S Entertainment, minus Mr. CORNEY GRAIN. + + Sincerely Yours, + A CORRESPONDENT WITHOUT A MEMORY. + + * * * * * + +ART-AUCTIONEER'S RELIGION, "CHRISTIE-anity." + + * * * * * + +AN ASTRAL COMPLICATION. + +[Illustration:] + + In periods of sleep, despair, + Of aberration, we have guessed + We were not altogether there, + But seldom known where was the rest. + + Our Astral Bodies wander far, + Whenever they will not be missed. + Strange things in earth and heaven are + For the devout theosophist. + + Young WILFRID wooed the wealth of CLARE; + But ah, in spite of golden dearth, + His mind and heart approved more fair + KATE'S intellect and moral worth. + + "Prudence my steps inspire!" he said; + And automatically to + The residence of CLARE he sped, + And gained an instant's interview. + + "Fairest," he cried, "my homage deep + Ah, not your rank, your wealth command! + These idle baubles, lady, keep. + Give me alone this lily hand!" + + "I will," she said. (The dinner gong + That moment sounded.) "Haste away; + But meet me in the social throng + To-morrow--that is, Saturday." + + That self-same hour--the clock struck eight-- + In Holloway began to muse + The charming and the gifted KATE + On logarithms most abstruse. + + Her door stood wide! Who entered there? + 'Twas WILFRID spoke in hollow tone. + "With me life's logarithms share, + KATE, that I cannot solve alone!" + + "I will," she answered. "But begone! + Strange chaperons inspect, explore. + The Principal, the stairs is on!" + He sighed, and vanished from the door. + + Next eve, amid the social throng, + Serene stood CLARE at WILFRID'S side; + And dreaming not that aught was wrong, + She gaily questioned and replied. + + Till WILFRID suddenly was 'ware, + Close by, of a familiar face, + And realised with wild despair + All, all the horror of the case! + + "Oh, what is wrong?" cried CLARE in awe. + Calmly, he answered. "It was He, + My Astral Body, that she saw. + Oh, which am I? Oh, woe is me!" + + * * * * * + +EAST-ERN ART IN BOND STREET.--"So let the world jog along as it will, +I'll be Japanese-y still! Japanese-y, Japanese-y. I'll be Japanese-y +still!" Can't help singing when we see Mr. EAST'S pictures of Japan at +the Fine Art Society's Gallery. This clever artist sojourned in that +country from March to September. He kept his eyes open and his hand ever +busy, and has brought back more than a hundred pictures--fresh, +brilliant, and original. Such marvellous aspects of scenery, such wealth +of colour, such novelty do we behold, that we long to start off at once +to Yokohama, to Nikkô, to Hakone, to Tôkiyo, or any one of these +delightful places--singing. "Let's quit this cold climate so dull and +Britannical, And revel in sunshine and colour Japanical!" + + * * * * * + +PROBABLE PUBLICATION.--Companion work to _Sardine and the Sardes_, by +the same author, to be entitled _Sardinia and the Sardines_, illustrated +in oils, and sold in tincases. Great reduction (at lunch time) on taking +a quantity. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES AT LAMBETH. (_As seen by +Mr. Punch's Artist in a Fog._)] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES. + +Lambeth is in darkness. A Policeman with a bull's-eye prevents my +driver's energetic endeavours to drive through the Palace wall. I +stumble into the large hall known as the Library. "Here," said I to +myself, "is taking place the historic trial of the Bishop of LINCOLN." +The weird scene strongly resembles the Dream Trial in _The Bells_, where +the judges, counsel, and all concerned, are in a fog. Will the limelight +flash suddenly upon the chief actor, the Bishop of LINCOLN, as he takes +the stage and re-acts the part that has caused the trial? Archbishop +BANCROFT founded this library, so theatrical associations are natural. +The only lights in the long and lofty library (excepting the clerical +and legal) are a dozen or two wax candles and a few oil-lamps, but of +daylight, gaslight, or electric, nothing. I can hear the voice of JEUNE, +Q.C., the JEUNE _premier_ of this ecclesiastical drama. + +They have commenced proceedings. In this, the Archbishop's Court, they, +very properly, begin with prayer. So does the House of Commons. "Any +special form of orison?" I ask in a whisper of the JEUNE _premier_, Q.C. +"Yes," he answers in a subdued tone. "Look in your prayer-book for 'form +of prayer to be used by those at sea.' That's it." Then he has to +continue his argument. + +At the further end of the library we have the Church, represented by an +Archbishop and five Bishops; also a Judge, in a full-bottomed wig, who +has evidently got in by mistake. Then we have the Law, represented by a +row of Q.C.'s, their juniors, and attendants; and then a chorus of +ordinary people, and common, or Thames Policemen. But where's the Bishop +of LINCOLN? Not among the Thames Policemen? Not in the Dock? Where? Aha! +I see him. I focus him. I sketch him. _Veni, vidi, vici!_ I show result +on paper to Official. "Oh, no," he says; "that's not the Bishop, that's +THINGUMMY," a Clerk of the Court, or something. Hang THINGUMMY! Official +disappears. Lights, ho! a link on Lincoln! I determine to find him. The +Bishops sit round three tables, on a raised platform. The Archbishop of +CANTERBURY sits in the centre; on his right is the mysterious Judge, in +full wig, and red robes; this is the Vicar-General, Sir JAMES PARKER +DEANE, Q.C.; next to him sits Assessor Dr. ATLAY, Bishop of HEREFORD, +who looks anything but happy; his hair has the appearance of being +impelled by a strong draught, and his hand is to his face, as if the +draught had produced toothache. The portly Bishop of OXFORD is on his +right, and like the other corner man, the Bishop of SALISBURY, he +scribbles away at a great rate in a huge manuscript book, or roll of +foolscap. On the left of the Archbishop sits the Bishop of LONDON, who +severely questions the Counsel, and evidently relishes acting the +school-master over again. The Bishop of ROCHESTER sitting on LONDON'S +left, supplies the comedy element, so far as facial expression goes; his +mouth is wide open, and he holds some papers in front of him in an +attitude which suggests that he will presently break forth into song. +But where, oh where, is the Bishop of LINCOLN? Ah, I see him. I sketch +him. I write his name under sketch, and show it to one of the Reporters. +He scribbles across it, "Wrong." I write, "Where is he?" He waves me +away. I believe the Bishop is at the other side of the long table, by +his Counsel. There is a candle in front of him. I make my way to the +other side. I find the Bishop is an old lady! I write, "Where does the +Bishop of LINCOLN sit?" on a piece of paper, and take it to an Official. +He cannot see to read it, so some time is lost while he finds a +convenient candle. He looks towards me, and points to a corner. + +Good! At last! There is an old gentleman, in plain clothes it is true, +but still otherwise every inch a Bishop or a Butler, or perhaps both in +one,--say Bishop BUTLER. I have just finished a careful study of him, +when he turns round and whispers, "Please, Sir, can you tell me which is +the Bishop of LINCOLN?" I shake my head angrily, and move away. I'll +bide my time. JEUNE _premier_ is answering the hundred-and-seventh +question of the Bishop of LONDON, and is being "supported" by Sir WALTER +PHILLIMORE. It amuses me to hear these two clever Counsel, in this +natural and ecclesiastical fog, carrying on an animated legal +conversation with each other, ignoring the Bishops; not that the latter +seem to mind, as they scribble merrily away at their folios. Are their +Right Reverend Lordships engaged in writing their Sunday sermons? + +But where is _the_ Bishop? He ought to be near his Counsel. The severe +Sir HORACE DAVEY sits writing letters; next to him the affable Dr. +TRISTRAM, then the rubicund Mr. DANKWERTS, but no Bishop. One o'clock! +The Bishops rise for Lunch and Levée. "Where, oh where! is the Bishop of +LINCOLN?" I ask JEUNE _premier_. "Quick--I want to sketch him before he +leaves!" + +"The Bishop!" returns the First Ecclesiastical Young Man, smiling. "Oh, +he never comes near the place." _Exit_ JEUNE _premier_. I appeal to the +austere Sir HORACE DAVEY. "I can't tell you," says sir HORACE--"DAVEY +_sum, non OEdipus_." And off he goes, to argue another sort of a case +about Baird language and the Pelican Club. He will say no more. On this +occasion only, HORACE is TACITUS. I do not find the Bishop, and quit +Lambeth. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIKELY--VERY! + +"CONFOUND THESE BLACKS! THEY FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE!" "YES, MY DEAR +FELLOW; THEY TAKE YOU FOR A MISSIONARY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE DUC AND HIS BIG BILL. + +The _restaurateur_ evidently considered that he "didn't kill a pig every +day," when he stuck _Le Petit Duc_ for this now historic bill, which, as +given in full by the _Figaro_, _Mr. Punch_ reproduces here for general +edification:-- + + Un artichaut barigoule 12fr. + Un châteaubriand 16 " + 1 sole 10 " + 1 noix de veau 10 " + 1 homard 25 " + 1 salade 3 " + 1 caneton aux navets 25 " + 6 écrevisses 15 " + Hors d'oeuvre 5 " + Une assiette de fruits 16 " + +Whenever it may be the lot of any distinguished Member of the Upper +House to be sent to the Tower of London, or a Member of the Lower to be +shut up in the Clock Tower, the Provisional Government for the time +being will know what to charge for its provisions. The _restaurateur_ +addressed his little account, "_À Sa Magesté (sic) Louis +Philippe-Robert_ ('ROBERT' was in it) _Duc d'Orléans_." In styling _Le +Petit Duc_ "His Majesty" the artful _restaurateur_ evidently had in view +a future _restauration_. The _restaurateur_, who expected to provide the +young Duke of ORLEANS with a second dinner, of course quoted SHAKSPEARE, +and exclaimed enthusiastically-- + + "I must go victual Orleans forthwith!" + +_Henry V., Part I., Act I., Sc. 5._ + +But the youthful Duc or Duckling wasn't to be caught and stuffed a +second time. + + * * * * * + +A SATURDAY SERIES.--"Hunters' Dams" was the heading of an article in +last week's _Saturday Review_. As the counter-jumper politely says, +"What will be the next article?" We look forward with interest to +"Shooters' Swearings," "Anglers' Affirmations," "Coursers' Curses," and +a few others that may suggest themselves. + + * * * * * + +ROYAL SOCIETY OF PAINTER-ETCHERS.--At the pleasant Gallery, 5A, Pall +Mall East, is a good show of needle-work. One of the most prolific +contributors is a certain clever gentleman whose name may possibly be +familiar to some of our readers, one REMBRANDT VAN RHYN, who sends no +less than a hundred works. + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._) + +No. III.--THE YOUNG M.P. + +[Illustration:] + +For the proper production of the young M.P. there are many receipts, but +only one is genuine. Take a rickety boy, and provide him with a wealthy +father, slightly flavoured with a good social position and political +tastes. Send him to a public school, having first eliminated as much +youthfulness as is compatible with continued existence. Add some +flattering masters, and a distaste for games. Season with the idea that +he is born for a great career. Let him be, if possible, verbose and +argumentative, and inclined to contradict his elders. Eliminate more +youth and transfer hot to a University. Add more verbosity, and a strong +extract of priggishness. Throw in a degree, and two speeches at the +Union. Set him to simmer for two years in a popular constituency, and +serve him up, a chattering pedant of twenty-four, at Westminster. + +In the course of the contest which resulted in his return to the House +of Commons, the young M.P. will have tasted the sweets of advertisement +by seeing his name constantly placarded in huge letters on coloured +posters. He will have been constantly referred to as "Our popular young +Candidate," and he will thus have become convinced that the welfare of +his country imperatively demands his immediate presence and permanent +continuance in Parliament. When the genial butcher who, besides +retailing the carcases of sheep and oxen, sits in the Town Council, and +presides over one of the local political associations, declared, as he +often has at other contests and of other candidates, that never, in the +course of his political career, had he listened to more mature wisdom, +adorned with nobler eloquence, than that which had fallen from "Our +young and popular Candidate," he was merely satisfying a burning desire +for rhetorical expansion, without any particular regard to accuracy of +statement. But the candidate himself greedily gulps that lump of +flattery, and all the praise which is the conventional sauce for every +political gander. On this he grows fat, and being, in addition, puffed +up by a very considerable conceit of his own, he eventually presents an +aspect which is not pleasing, and assumes (towards those who are not +voters in the Constituency) a manner which can scarcely be described as +modest. + +The majority of his Constituents regard him simply as an automatic +machine for the regular distribution of large subscriptions. He regards +himself as a being of great importance and capacity, and endowed with +the power of acting as he likes, whilst the local wirepullers look upon +him as a convenient mask, behind which they may the more effectively +carry on their own petty schemes of personal ambition. + +As a Candidate, moreover, the young M.P. will have discovered that the +triumph of his party depends not merely or even chiefly upon the due +exposition of those political principles with which he may have lately +crammed himself by the aid of a stray volume of MILL, and a _Compendium +of Political History_, but rather upon the careful observance of local +custom and local etiquette, and the ceaseless effort to trump his +adversary's every trick. He will thus have become the President of the +local Glee Club, the Patron of a Scientific Association, and a local Dog +Show, the Vice-President of four Cricket Clubs and of five Football +Clubs, a Member of the Committee of the Hospital Ball, and of the +Society for Improving the breed of Grey Parrots; to say nothing of the +Guild for Promoting the happiness of Middle-aged Housemaids, and the +local Association for the Distribution of Penny Buns, at cheap prices, +to the deserving poor. Moreover, before he has discovered the true +relation of benefit societies to politics, he will find himself a Member +of the Odd Fellows, the Foresters, the Hearts of Oak, the Druids, and +the Loyal and Ancient Order of Free and Accepted Buffaloes, with the +right, conferred by the last-named Society, of being addressed on lodge +nights as if he were a Baronet, or, at least, a Knight. + +Having thus met and shaken hands with the working-man during his hours +of festive relaxation, the young M.P. will be properly qualified for +discussing those social questions which form the chief part of every +aspirant's political baggage. Being gifted with a happy power of +enunciating pompous platitudes with an air of profound conviction, and +of spreading butter churned from the speeches of his leaders on the +bread of political economy, he will be highly thought of at meetings of +political leagues of either sex, or of both combined. It is necessary +that he should catch the eye of the Speaker during his first Session. He +will afterwards talk to his Constituents of the forms of the House in +the tone of one who is familiar with mysteries, and is accustomed to +mingle on terms of equality with the great and famous. He will bring in +a Bill which an M.P. who was once young, has abandoned, and, finding his +measure blocked, will discourse with extreme bitterness of the +obstruction by which the efforts of rising political genius are +oppressed. + +In London Society the young M.P. may be recognised by an air of +conscious importance as of one who carries the burden of the State upon +his shoulders, and desires to impress the fact upon others. He may be +flattered by being consulted as to the secret intentions of foreign +Cabinets or the prospects of party divisions. He will then speak at +length of his leaders as "we," and will probably announce, in a voice +intended not so much for his immediate neighbours as for the thoughtless +crowd beyond, that "we shall smash them in Committee," and that +"AKERS-DOUGLAS" (or ARNOLD MORLEY, as the case may be) "has asked me to +answer the fellows on the other side to-morrow. I am not sure I shall +speak," the MS. of his speech being already complete. On the following +day he will speak during the dinner-hour to an audience of four, and, +having escaped being counted out, will be greatly admired by his +Constituents. He will assiduously attend all social functions, and will +not object to seeing his name in the paragraphs of Society papers. It is +not absolutely necessary that the young M.P. should be bald, but it is +essential that he should wear a frock-coat. It is well, also, that his +dress should be neat, but not ostentatiously spruce, lest the more +horny-handed of his supporters should take umbrage at an offensive +assumption of superiority over those whose votes keep him in place. + +Custom demands that the young M.P. should travel extensively, and that +he should enlighten his home-staying Constituents as to the designs of +Barataria, the labour question in Lilliput, and the prospects of +federation in Laputa, by means of letters addressed to the local +newspaper. He will also interview foreign potentates and statesmen, and +cause the fact to be published through the medium of REUTER. On his +return, he will write a book, and deliver a lecture before the Mutual +Improvement Society of the town he represents. He will then marry, in +order that he may attend Mothers' meetings by deputy, and cause his wife +to make lavish purchases at a local bazaar, which he will have opened. +Shortly afterwards he will select an unpopular fad, which certain +members of his own party approve, and will take a vigorous stand against +it on principle, thus earning the commendation of all parties as a man +of independent views, and unswerving rectitude. + +If, at a subsequent election, he should chance to be rejected at the +poll, he will publicly profess that he is delighted to be relieved of an +uncongenial burden, whilst assuring his friends in private that the +country in which able and honest men are neglected must be in a very bad +way. He will, however, publish an address to the electors, in which he +will claim a moral victory, and will assure them that it will ever be +one of his proudest memories to have been connected with their +constituency. He will spend his period of retirement on the stump, and, +unless he be speedily furnished with another Constituency, will +entertain doubts as to the sanity of his party leaders. Subsequently he +will find himself again in the House of Commons, and, having been spoken +of as a young man for about a quarter of a century, will at last become +an Under-Secretary of State, and a grandfather, in the same year. + + * * * * * + +MASTER SINGERS.--Sir,--In accordance with your request, I visited the +Meistersingers' Club (an institution which, seemingly from its name, has +been established as a memorial to WAGNER), where a "dramatic +performance" was given last week that had many points of interest to the +languid pleasure-seeker, wearily thirsting for fresh sources of +amusement. The evening's entertainment commenced with a play obligingly +described by the author as a farce, which was followed by a new and +original operetta, containing some very pretty music by Mr. PERCY REEVE, +with the exquisitely droll title of _The Crusader and the Craven_. The +one lady and two gentlemen who took part in this were, from a prompter's +point of view, nearly perfect. Mr. R. HENDON as _Sir Rupert de +Malvoisie_ (the Crusader) suggested, by his accent and gestures, that he +must have come from the East--how far East, it boots not to inquire. +Miss FLORENCE DARLEY was a good _Lady Alice_, and Mr. J. A. SHALE an +efficient "Craven." Later on an operatic performance is threatened. If +the thrilling series of arrangements on the back of the Programme is to +be accepted as authentic, the members of the Club will be invited to +have _Patience_. It would be difficult to find a more appropriate +accessory to a Night with the Meistersingers. No one asked me to have +any supper, Yours, A HAND AT CLUBS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration:] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari, +Volume 98, March 8, 1890., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30056 *** |