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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30056 ***
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 98.
+
+  MARCH 8, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "This is what the County Council's Licensing Bill for
+Places of Entertainment did _not_ intend, as, according to the latest
+authoritative explanation, the L. C. C. does not consider Theatres as
+coming under the head of "places of entertainment". Rather hard on the
+Theatres!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL AND THE LYCEUM THEATRE.
+
+APPEAL OF MR. HENRY IRVING. RESULT.
+
+(_A not impossible Extract from Next Year's Morning Papers._)
+
+Yesterday, before the Theatres Committee of the London County Council,
+the appeal of MR. HENRY IRVING (the well-known actor and manager) against
+the decision of the Sub-Committee to refuse a licence to the Lyceum
+Theatre, came on for hearing.
+
+After MR. HENRY IRVING (who appeared in person) had addressed the
+Committee at some length, dwelling upon the character of the pieces he
+had produced during his management, and the care and expense with which
+they had been mounted, several members of the Committee expressed a wish
+to put questions to him, which MR. IRVING promised to answer to the best
+of his ability.
+
+MR. HECKLEBURY. I think you told us that _Hamlet_ was one of your
+favourite parts? Is it not the fact that the chief character in the play
+drives his _fiancée_ to madness and suicide by his cruelty, slays her
+father and brother, together with his own step-father, and procures the
+death of two of his school-fellows?
+
+MR. IRVING admitted that this was so. (_Sensation._)
+
+MR. HECKLEBURY. That is all I wanted to ask you.
+
+MR. FUSSLER. I understand that you have produced a play called _Othello_
+on more than one occasion; perhaps you will inform us whether the
+following passages are in your opinion suitable for public declamation?
+(Mr. FUSSLER _then proceeded to read several extracts to which he
+objected on account of their offensive signification_.)
+
+MR. IRVING protested that SHAKSPEARE, and not himself, was responsible
+for such passages.
+
+MR. FUSSLER. Unfortunately, SHAKSPEARE is not before us--and you are.
+You admit that you have produced a play containing lines such as
+I have just read? That is enough for Us.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. Unless I am mistaken, the hero in _Othello_ is not only a
+murderer but a suicide?
+
+MR. IRVING. Undoubtedly. (_Sensation._)
+
+MR. MEDLAM. We have heard something of a piece called _The Bells_. I
+seldom attend theatres myself, except in the exercise of my public
+functions, but I do happen to have seen that particular play on one
+occasion. Does my memory mislead me in saying, that you committed a
+brutal and savage murder in the course of the drama?
+
+MR. IRVING said that, as a matter of fact, the murder took place many
+years before the curtain rose--otherwise, the Member's memory was
+entirely accurate.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. Whenever the murder was committed, it remains undetected,
+and the criminal escapes all penalty--is not that the case?
+
+MR. IRVING urged that the Nemesis was worked out by the murderer's own
+conscience.
+
+MR. MEDLAM said that was all nonsense; a person's conscience could not
+be made visible on the stage, and here a murderer was represented as
+dying several years after his crime, in his own bedroom, respected by
+all who knew him. Did MR. IRVING intend to tell them that such a
+spectacle was calculated to deter an intending murderer, or did he not?
+That was the plain question.
+
+MR. IRVING thought that intending murderers formed so inappreciable an
+element in his usual audiences, that they might safely be left out of
+the calculation.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. But you might have an intending murderer among your
+audience, I suppose?
+
+MR. IRVING'S reply was not audible in the reporters' gallery.
+
+MR. PARSEEKER. I should like to hear what you have to say about
+duelling, MR. IRVING--I mean, is it, or is it not, a practice sanctioned
+by the laws of this country?
+
+MR. IRVING said that he did not quite understand the drift of such a
+question; but, since they asked him, he should say that duelling was
+distinctly illegal.
+
+MR. PARSEEKER. You will understand the drift of my question directly,
+MR. IRVING. I have made it my business to acquaint myself with your
+dramatic career, and I find that you have played as hero at various
+times in _Romeo and Juliet_, _Hamlet_, _The Corsican Brothers_, and _The
+Dead Heart_, besides _Macbeth_. Am I wrong in saying that in each of
+these pieces you fight a duel?
+
+MR. IRVING. No. I fight a duel in each of them, except _Macbeth_, in
+which there is no duel, only a hand-to-hand combat. I do commit a murder
+in _Macbeth_.
+
+A MEMBER. MR. IRVING'S tastes seem rather to run in the direction of
+murders. (_Laughter._)
+
+After the report of the Official Censor upon the general tone of the
+Lyceum plays during the last fifteen years had been read a second time
+and adopted, the Chairman, without more than a formal consultation with
+his colleagues, proceeded to announce the decision of the Committee. He
+said that they had not come to their present conclusion without long and
+anxious deliberation. They were now the constituted guardians of the
+public morals, and must fulfil their functions without fear or favour.
+(_Applause._) They must look at the character of the performances at
+each theatre, considering only whether they were or were not beneficial
+to morality. In the past, under a _régime_ happily now at an end, public
+opinion had been shamefully lax, and official control purely nominal;
+plays had been repeatedly performed, and even welcomed as classics,
+which he did not hesitate to say were full of incidents that were
+revolting to all well-regulated minds. SHAKSPEARE, who, with his
+undoubted talents, should have known better, was, so far from being an
+exception, one of the worst offenders. The Council must free themselves
+from the shackles of conventional tolerance. (_Applause._) Evil was
+evil--murder was murder--coarseness was coarseness--whether treated by
+SHAKSPEARE or anybody else. Nor could the Committee shut their eyes to
+the fact that Mr. IRVING'S histrionic ability, and his popularity with
+those who attended his exhibitions could only intensify the injurious
+effect which such representations must have upon young and
+impressionable minds. In his opinion, much as he regretted having to say
+so, the Lyceum was nothing less than a School of Murder. It aggravated
+rather than extenuated the evil to be told, as they had been told, that
+all these deeds of violence had been represented on the stage with every
+aid which money, art and research could give. Again, was it desirable
+that the Democracy should derive their ideas of the family life of
+crowned heads from being admitted into the scandalous secrets of the
+household of _Hamlet_? Or did they wish to see an injured husband
+following the example of _Othello_? A thousand times no. These things
+must be stopped. The Council was very far from taking a Puritanical view
+of the question--(_applause_)--they fully recognised that the stage was
+a necessary social evil, and, as such, must be tolerated until the
+public taste was sufficiently purified to refuse it further countenance;
+but, in the meantime, the Council must insure that such exhibitions as
+they were prepared to sanction were of a kind consistent with the
+preservation of good manners, decorum, and of the public
+peace--(_applause_)--none of which conditions, in the unanimous opinion
+of the Committee, was fulfilled by the class of entertainment which the
+appellant IRVING had, by his own admission, persisted in providing. On
+those grounds alone the Committee dismissed the Appeal, and declared the
+Lyceum Theatre closed till further notice. He might say, however, that
+they might possibly be induced, after a certain interval, to reconsider
+the question, and allow the theatre to be reopened on MR. IRVING'S
+undertaking to produce dramas of an entirely unobjectionable character
+in future. (MR. IRVING begged for some more definite leading as to the
+dramas alluded to.) The Chairman said that he had been informed that an
+illustrated periodical called _Punch_ was publishing a series of Moral
+Dramas, in which the sentiments and incidents were alike irreproachable.
+Let MR. IRVING promise to confine himself to these, and the Council would
+see about it. ( MR. IRVING then withdrew, without, however, having given
+any definite undertaking, and the Committee adjourned.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PUTTING HIS NOSE OUT OF JOINT."
+
+_Engineering (to Little Tour Eiffel)._ "WHERE ARE YOU, NOW, MY LITTLE
+MAN?"]
+
+    "The Eiffel Tower is 1000 feet high; if the Forth Bridge were put up
+    on end, it would be 5280 feet in height. The tower has in its
+    construction 7500 tons of iron; the bridge has 53,000 tons of the
+    best steel. The tower was made in about six months; the bridge has
+    required seven years. The Eiffel Tower is a wonderful thing; but,
+    then, how much more wonderful is the Forth Bridge!"--_Illustrated
+    London News._
+
+  _The Bridge._ You took lots of beating, my sky-scraping friend,
+          But  BENJAMIN BAKER has compassed _that_ end;
+          I am sure Monsieur  EIFFEL himself would allow
+          That the Bridge licks the Tower; so where are you _now_?
+
+  _The Tower._ _J'y suis et j'y reste_, my big friend and great rival,
+          I hope for a long and a glorious survival;
+          But don't mind admitting--all great souls are frank--
+          That you--for the present at least--take first rank
+          'Midst the mighty achievements adorning our sphere
+          Of our latest of Titans, the Great Engineer.
+
+  _The Bridge._ All hail, Engineering! No wonder you're proud
+          Of a work in whose honour all praises are loud;
+          No wonder 'tis opened by princes and peers
+          Amidst technical triumph and popular cheers;
+          No wonder that  BENJAMIN BAKER feels glad,
+          Sir  JOHN FOWLER and  COOPER quite other than sad.
+          'Twas a very big job, 'tis a very big day,
+          And the whole country joins in the Scotchmen's Hooray!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+What train of thought was it that led the indefatigable PERCY FITZGERALD
+to write, _The Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, which appears in one of the
+most striking wrappers that can be seen on a railway book-stall? How
+pleasant if we could obtain a real outside coat-pocket railway guide
+just this size. It is a pity that the Indefatigable and Percy-vering One
+did not apply to _Mr. Punch_ for permission to reprint the page of
+Bradshaw which appeared in _Mr. Punch's Bradshaw's Guide_, marvellously
+illustrated by BENNETT, many years ago. This _magnum opus in parvo_ is
+really interesting and amusing, but if there is one thing more than
+another which he who runs and reads desiderates of an author writing of
+time-tables and guides, it is accuracy. Now, in one particular instance,
+our PERCY is inaccurate. He writes: "Close on fifty years have passed
+by, and the guide with every year has continued, like _Mr. Stiggins_, to
+be a 'swellin' wisibly.'" The Brave Baron challenges PERCY to mortal
+combat on this issue, defying him to prove that _Mr. Stiggins_ was ever
+described within the limits of _Pickwick_, as "swellin' wisibly." Will
+the erudite biographer of _Bradshaw_ be surprised to learn, that, in the
+first place, the description "swellin' wisibly" was never applied to
+_Mr. Stiggins_ at all, but was used by _Mr. Weller_ senior, as
+illustrating the condition of a "young 'ooman on the next form but two"
+from where he was sitting, who had "drank nine breakfast cups and a
+half, and," he goes on to whisper to _Sam_, "_She's a swellin' wisibly
+before my wery eyes._" In the second place, the expression was employed
+at a time when _Mr. Stiggins_ was not present, but, in his official
+character, as "a deligate from the Dorking branch of our society,
+Brother _Stiggins_" was in attendance downstairs. With these two
+exceptions, one mistake of omission, and one of commission, the Baron
+confers his _imprimatur_ on the _Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, and
+recommends it to the public.
+
+For a first-rate, short, well-constructed, and sensationally interesting
+story, let me recommend my readers to _The Peril of Richard Pardon_.
+Only one possible objection do I see to it, and that is a matter of my
+own private opinion, which is, that _Richard Pardon_ is the most
+irritating idiot ever created by an author. For the sake of the story,
+it was necessary that he should be weak; but he is such a very
+backboneless man, and yet quite strong enough to support the fabric of
+the plot. Then one is cleverly put off the scent by a certain _Richard
+Mortlock_, from whom the reader expects much more than ever comes out.
+The sequel of this capital novelette must be _Richard Mortlock_. I have
+quite forgotten to say that _The Peril of Richard Pardon_ is by Mr. B.
+L. FARJEON, whom I have to thank for making time pass too rapidly on
+many a previous occasion. The Hour Before Dinner Series--not that this
+is the genuine title, but it might be, and is a suggestion--is a real
+"boon and a blessing" to those who, like _Podgers_, in JOHN
+HOLLINGSHEAD'S immortal farce, "only have a 'our," not for "their
+dinner," but for their novel-reading throughout the day. FARJEON _soit
+béni!_ (Signed) _The Baron de Book-Worms._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EVENTFUL WEEK.
+
+(_From a Prophetic Journal of Events, looming possibly somewhere
+a-head._)
+
+_Monday._--London, having now been without coal for sixteen weeks, and
+people having kept their kitchen-fires alight by burning their banisters
+and bedroom furniture, several noted West-end houses undertake to
+deliver the arms and legs of drawing-room chairs ("best screened"), at
+£26 5s. a ton for cash.
+
+_Tuesday._--All the petroleum in the country having now been exhausted
+for heating purposes, and Piccadilly being, in consequence, illuminated
+by a night-light in one lamp-post in every three, a "Discontented
+Ratepayer" commences a correspondence in the _Times_, commenting on the
+matter in a severe temper.
+
+_Wednesday._--Several Colliery Owners, in despair, descend into their
+own mines for the purpose of trying to raise some coal themselves, but
+their _employés_, declining to assist in hauling them up again, they are
+left to their fate, and nothing more is heard of them.
+
+_Thursday._--A Syndicate of Noblemen determine to try for coal on the
+spot, by sinking a mine in the middle of Belgrave Square, when, on
+arriving at a depth of 2500 feet, they come across an active volcano,
+which proves such a nuisance to the neighbourhood, that the Vestry is
+applied to by several parishioners to put a stop to it. On their sending
+the Sanitary Inspector to investigate the matter, he orders the mine to
+be closed. On this being done, the scheme collapses, several of the
+Syndicate, as a consequence, in despair emigrating to Tierra del Fuego.
+
+_Friday._--A set of studs and a drawing-room tiara of "Best Wallsend,"
+are shown in a window of a jeweller's in Bond Street, and attract such
+crowds that the Police have to be called in to prevent a block in the
+traffic, and keep the pavement clear for foot passengers.
+
+_Saturday._--Furious street riots commenced by a noble Duke in Grosvenor
+Place pulling up the wood pavement in front of his house, and having it
+carted rapidly into his coal-cellars. The move becoming popular, spreads
+in all directions, with the result of leading to serious collisions with
+the local Vestry Authorities, who call in the aid of the Police.
+
+_Sunday._--The Archbishop of CANTERBURY preaches to an enormous
+congregation in Westminster Abbey, on the "Plague of Darkness" in Egypt
+by the light of a one-farthing candle. This being, by some misadventure,
+inadvertently knocked over, the assembled multitude are enabled to
+realise, to some extent, the gloomy horrors of the situation as
+described by the reverend preacher, and, stumbling over each other,
+retire to unlighted streets and fireless hearths, to face another week
+of the consequences of the "Trade Problem," with the solution of which
+they have been brought face to face.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRAND OLD BILLEE.[A]
+
+    "It is stated that the captaincy of Deal Castle ... is to be offered
+    to Mr. GLADSTONE, the captaincy being in the gift of the Lord Warden
+    of the Cinque Ports."--_Daily News._
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+  There were three sailors of London city
+    Who found their (Party) ship at sea,
+  Although with programmes, authorised and unauthorised,
+    Most carefully they had loaded she.
+
+  There was greedy JOE and glosing JIMMY,
+    And the third was named Grand Old BILLEE;
+  And they were reduced to the piteous prospect
+    Of grubbing on one split (Party) pea.
+
+  Says greedy  JOE to glosing JIMMY,
+    "For captaincy I am hungaree."
+  To greedy JOE says glosing JIMMY,
+    "Then you and I must get rid of _he_."
+
+  Says greedy JOE to glosing JIMMY,
+    "With one another _we_ should agree.
+  With me as Captain, and you as First Mate,
+    If it wasn't for Grand Old BILLEE."
+
+  "Oh, BILLEE, we're going to chuck you over,
+    So prepare for a bath in the Irish Sea."
+  When BILL received this information,
+    His dexter optic winked he.
+
+  "First let me take an observation
+    From the main-top over the Irish Sea!"
+  "Make haste, make haste," says glosing JIMMY,
+    Whilst  JOE he fumbled his snickersnee.
+
+  So BILLY went up to the main-top-gallant mast,
+    And began to count o'er the Irish Sea;
+  And he scarce had come to eighty-six, or so,
+    When up he jumps. "Land Ho!" shouts he.
+
+  "I can see Ould Ireland! There's the Bay of Dublin;
+    With a distant glimpse of Amerikee.
+  And the Parliament upon College Green, bhoys,
+    With a right good glass I can (almost) see."
+
+  So they went ashore, and the crew when mustered
+    Kicked Guzzling  JOE, and cashiered JIMMEE.
+  But as for Grand Old BILLEE, they gave him
+    Of the old "Deal Castle" the captaincy!
+
+[Footnote A: As various versions of the popular song of _"Little
+Billee"_ have been set to music and sung, no apology is needed for the
+insertion in these pages of the version most up to date.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 24._--"Look here, TOBY, M.P.," said
+ARTHUR BALFOUR, almost fiercely; "if you suppose that I enjoy this sort
+of thing, you're quite mistaken." Hadn't supposed any such thing;
+hadn't, indeed, referred to the matter. Only looked at him inquiringly,
+as ATTORNEY-GENERAL for IRELAND, trudging stolidly through the mire,
+attempted to answer CHARLES RUSSELL. "If I _am_ Irish Secretary, as
+TREVELYAN once said, I'm an English gentleman, and if you suppose I have
+any sympathy with the sort of thing that goes on at Clongorey, you're
+mistaken. But I am answerable for law and order, and law and order I
+maintain."
+
+Thus ARTHUR, quite querulous. Have noticed sometimes, when a man
+hopelessly in the wrong, he is inclined to turn on his best friend and
+rend him. This Clongorey business, truly, a bad one. When, just now,
+SEXTON moved adjournment of House, in order to call attention to it,
+Conservatives rose with one accord and went forth. They know WINDBAG
+SEXTON of old, and thought he was probably going to favour them with one
+of his usual exercises. Better this once have stopped and listened.
+Interesting to see how two hundred English gentlemen would have voted
+had they learned all about Clongorey. Happily less, far less, than usual
+of the windbag about SEXTON. His story, in truth, needed no assistance
+from wind instrument. Farms at Clongorey simply strips of reclaimed bog
+land, on which struggling tenants had built miserable shanties; got
+along in good times; just managed to keep body and soul together, and
+pay the rent--rent on land they had literally created, and for huts they
+had actually built. Two years ago came a flood; swamped them. Asked
+landlord to make temporary reduction on rent, to tide over troublesome
+times. Landlord offered a pitiful trifle. What was thought of this shown
+by County Court Judge, who, on cases that came before him, permanently
+reduced rent by thrice amount of temporary reduction proffered. Judge
+further suggested that arrears should be wiped out. Landlord declined to
+listen to suggestion. Tenants drowned out by the cruel river, dragged
+out by the relentless landlord. Stood by whilst the emergency men
+wrenched roofs off their huts, and set fire to the ruins. A neighbour
+offered them shelter, enlarging out-buildings on her farm. Down came the
+police on workmen engaged in this act of charity. A hundred police, paid
+for by tax-payer, swooped down with fixed bayonets on Clongorey,
+arrested labourers, handcuffed them, marched them off to police
+barracks.
+
+This is the simple Story of Clongorey, reduced to facts not denied by
+BALFOUR or ATTORNEY-GENERAL, divested of all incidental matters alleged,
+such as the parading of the handcuffed prisoners through the crowded
+streets of the town, the police making raids among the crowd, naturally
+gathered to see the sight. "One man had his eyeball burst, another his
+skull broken." CHARLES RUSSELL, not given to exaggerated views, somewhat
+reputable as a legal authority, with law-books in hand stated his
+opinion that, apart from incidents of the foray, magistrates and police
+were acting illegally.
+
+"Well," said LONG LAWRANCE, turning his back on House of Commons, "I'm
+glad they've made me a Judge. Have ever been what is called a good
+Party-man; believe in BALFOUR; always ready to back him up with my vote;
+but, dash my wig (now that I'm going to wear a full-bottomed one) if I
+like voting to render possible the repetition of a business like this at
+Clongorey. Must begin to cultivate a judicial frame of mind; so I'll go
+for a walk on the terrace." LAWRANCE'S view evidently taken in other
+quarters of Conservative camp, for, after diligent whipping up,
+Ministerial majority reduced to 42. _Business done._--Address agreed to.
+
+_Tuesday._--Midst a mass of Notices of Motion, a sea of troublous words,
+GEORGE TREVELYAN drops in a score which shines forth with light of common
+sense. "Why," he asks, "does not Parliament rise at beginning of July,
+sitting through winter months for whatsoever longer period may be
+necessary for the due transaction of public business?"
+
+Why not? On Friday, the 14th March, TREVELYAN will put the question in
+formal way before House, so that they may vote on it. Conservative
+majority may well be expected to support it. No new thing; simply
+revival of older fashion. Our great grandfathers knew better than to
+swelter in London through July, pass the Twelfth of August at
+Westminster, and go off forlorn and jaded in the early days of
+September. Hunting men may have objections to raise; but then hunting
+men, though eminently respectable class, are not everybody, not even a
+majority; may even be spared to go hunting as usual. WALPOLE hunted like
+anything, yet in WALPOLE'S day Parliament oftener met in November than
+at any other time of year, and with due provision for Christmas
+holidays, sat into early summer. The thing can be done, and ought to be
+done--will be done if TREVELYAN sticks to it. Not nearly such a
+revolution in Procedure as that which, only a couple of years ago,
+established the automatic close of Debate at midnight. Who is there
+would like to go back to the old order of things in this respect?
+
+Got into Committee of Supply to-night on Vote for Houses of Parliament.
+TONY LUMPKIN turned up again. Last Session, in moment of inspiration,
+TONY spluttered forth a joke; likened new staircase in Westminster Hall
+to SPURGEON'S Pulpit. It is just as like the River Thames or Finsbury
+Park; but that's where the fun lies. Incongruity is the soul of wit.
+Everybody laughed last Session when TONY, with much gurgling, produced
+this bantling; brings it out again to-night.
+
+"Can't have too much of a good thing, TOBY," he says, wrestling with his
+exuberant shirt-front, and rubbing his hair the wrong way. "Always had
+my joke, you know, down in the country. Remember the little affair of
+the circuitous drive? This is what you may call my urban class of
+humour. SPURGEON'S Pulpit, Ha, ha!"--and TONY walked off delighted with
+himself.
+
+_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates.
+
+[Illustration: "Spurgeon's Pulpit, Ha, ha!"]
+
+_Thursday._--Pity that prejudice should be allowed to stand in way of
+doing the best thing. Talk just now of pending vacancies on the Bench;
+such talk recurrent; sometimes more talk than vacancy. "But I pass from
+that," as ARTHUR BALFOUR says, when gliding over knotty points of
+question put from Irish Benches. If not vacancy to-morrow, sure to be
+within week, or month, or year. Why not make JEMMY LOWTHER a Judge? It
+is true he has no practice at the Bar; but he was "called," and, I
+believe, went. That is a detail; what we desire in our Judges are, a
+certain impressive air, a striking presence, and an art of rotund
+speech. JAMES has played many parts in his time--Parliamentary Secretary
+to the Poor-Law Board, Under-Secretary for the Colonies, Chief Secretary
+for Ireland, and Steward of the Jockey Club. In this last capacity he, a
+year ago, temporarily assumed judicial functions. How well he bore
+himself! with what dignity! with what awful suavity! with what
+irreproachable integrity!
+
+That this manner is ingrained, is testified to on the occasions, too
+infrequent, when JEMMY rises in House. To-night BUCHANAN asked HOME
+SECRETARY a question, involving disrespect of rabbit-coursing. JAMES,
+the great patron of British sport in all developments, slowly rose, and
+impressively interposed. Was his Right Hon. friend, the HOME SECRETARY,
+aware that rabbit-coursing, conducted under recognised and established
+regulations, affords pastime to large masses of the industrious
+population who are unable, from their pecuniary circumstances, to
+indulge in the more expensive forms of sport? Those were JEMMY'S words,
+each syllable deliberately enunciated. What a study for the aspirant to
+Parliamentary style!
+
+Kindly Earl of RAVENSWORTH, who still haunts the Chamber in which Lord
+ESLINGTON once had a place, chanced to hear this question. Delighted
+with it. Wished he could introduce something of that sort in House of
+Lords. Went about Lobby with his faithful umbrella (companion of his
+daily life, wet or shine) murmuring the musical phrases. "Recognised and
+established regulations," "afford pastime to large masses of industrious
+population," "unable from pecuniary circumstances," "the more expensive
+forms of sport." That all very well, but not quite all. Easy enough to
+catch the trick of speech; who but JEMMY LOWTHER can add the indefinable
+personal gifts which invest even the commonplace with impressiveness?
+
+_Business done._--Lots. Ministers bring in Bills by the half-dozen.
+
+[Illustration: Earl and Umbrella.]
+
+_Friday._--Such _alouettes_! SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, who can't abear
+scandals, brought on alleged iniquity of Government in connection with
+Cleveland Street affair. Got off his speech; ATTORNEY-GENERAL replied;
+then SAGE proposed to offer few supplementary remarks. In course of
+these appeared frank declaration of his private opinion that everything
+the MARKISS says must be taken _cum grano Salis_-BURY; only the way he
+put it was much worse than that. COURTNEY asked him to withdraw.
+"Shan't!" said the SAGE. Then COURTNEY named him (calling him, by the
+way, "Mr. HENRY LABOUCHERE.") OLD MORALITY, rising to height of duty and
+occasion, moved that SAGE be suspended.
+
+"Oh, hang it!" cried Opposition--"can't agree to that."
+
+Divided on proposal; beaten, and SAGE hung up for a week. "He'll be
+pretty well dried by that time," grimly muttered the ATTORNEY-GENERAL,
+whom the SAGE had stroked the wrong way.
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account agreed to.
+
+[Illustration: Grand Historical Picture. Mr. Labouchere struggling with
+his Conscience.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A DOSE OF GREGORY."
+
+It is some time since I have tasted a dramatic mixture so much to my
+liking as Mr. GRUNDY'S Gregory's Mixture, known to the public, and
+likely to be highly popular with the public too, as _A Pair of
+Spectacles_. Art more refined than Mr. HARE'S, as _Benjamin Goldfinch_
+in this piece, has not been seen on the stage for many a long day; nor,
+except in _A Quiet Rubber_, do I remember Mr. HARE having had anything
+like this particular chance of displaying his rare skill as a genuine
+comedian of the very first rank.
+
+[Illustration: The Ruffled Hare. "This is your umbrella!"]
+
+Everyone remembers, or ought to remember, DICKENS'S "_Brothers
+Cheeryble_." Well, _Benjamin Goldfinch_ has all the milk of human
+kindness which characterised these philanthropic Gemini. As to moral
+characteristics, he is these two single gentlemen rolled into one, while
+physically, his exterior rather conjures up the picture of _Harold
+Skimpole_, though his eyes beam with the youthful impetuosity of old
+_Martin Chuzzlewit_ when he caned _Pecksniff_. To this delightfully
+guileless good Samaritan, the rough, nay brutal, _Uncle Gregory_ from
+Sheffield, with a heart apparently as hard as his own ware, is a
+contrast most skilfully brought out by Mr. CHARLES GROVE. Though the
+part of _Uncle Gregory_ does not require the delicate treatment demanded
+by that of _Goldfinch_, yet it might very easily be overdone; but never
+once does Mr. GROVE overshoot the mark, although the author has
+imperilled its success by too frequent repetition of a catch-phrase, "I
+know that man," "I know that father," "I know that friend," and so
+forth, which is sometimes on the verge of becoming wearisome. Indeed,
+even now, I should be inclined to cut out at least half a dozen of these
+variations of the original phrase. His short but sufficient
+representation of the effects of too much lunch on _Uncle Gregory_ is
+masterly. So realistic, in the best sense of the word, is the
+impersonation of these two characters, that one is inclined to resent
+the brutality of _Uncle Gregory_, when one sees the change suddenly
+effected in the sweet and sympathetic nature of _Benjamin Goldfinch_,
+and when we see him suspicious of everybody, and even of his young wife,
+whom he loves so dearly, we murmur, "Oh, what a noble mind is here
+o'erthrown!" And, indeed, but that it is impossible to help laughing
+from first to last, the final scenes of this charming piece, replete
+with touches of real human nature, would send an audience away crying
+with joy, to think of the possible goodness existent in the world, of
+which one occasionally hears, but so seldom sees, except on the stage.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Grove as Gregory the Grater.]
+
+Not a part in this piece is even indifferently played. The two young
+men, Mr. RUDGE HARDING, and Mr. SYDNEY BROUGH, both very good, the
+latter having better dramatic opportunities, and making the most of
+them. Mr. DODSWORTH just the very man for _Friend Lorimer_; Mr. CATHCART
+is _Joyce_, the Butler; and of the two Shoemakers, respectively played
+by Mr. KNIGHT and Mr. BYRON, I can only say, "I know those shoemakers."
+
+As for the Ladies, Miss KATE RORKE looks very pretty, and acts
+charmingly as young _Mrs. Goldfinch_; Miss HORLOCK is very nice as _Lucy
+Lorimer_, delivering herself of a little bit of picturesque sentiment
+about feeding the birds (_Les Petits Oiseaux_ is the title of the old
+French piece, if I remember rightly) in a rather too forcedly ingenuous
+manner, but behaving most naturally in the interrupted courtship scene,
+and being generally very sympathetic. I mustn't omit Miss HUNTER, pink
+of parlour-maids, not the conventional flirty soubrette nor the
+low-comedy waiting-woman, but a self-respecting, responsible young
+person, conscious of her own and her young man's moral rectitude, and
+satisfied with quarter-day and the Post-Office Savings Bank.
+
+Only one single fault have I to find with the piece, and as it cannot be
+entirely remedied, though it might be modified, I will mention it. The
+title is a mistake; that can't be altered now: but the attempt at
+illustrating the double-meaning conveyed in the title by the practical
+"business" of changing the material glasses and thus hampering the actor
+by the necessity of altering his expression and his manner in accordance
+with his deposition or his resumption of these spectacles, seems to me
+to be childish to a degree, and tends towards turning this simple tale
+into a kind of fairy story, in which the spectacles play the part of a
+magic potion or charm, such as Mr. W. S. GILBERT would use in his
+_Creatures of Impulse_, his _Fogarty's Fairy_, and his _Sorcerer_,
+whenever he wishes to bring about a sudden and otherwise inexplicable
+transition from one mental attitude to another, and entirely opposite.
+But for the earnestness of the actors, this _reductio ad Fairydum_ would
+have imparted an air of unreality to the characters and incidents which
+does not belong to them. The plot is a model of neat construction; and,
+to everyone at all in doubt as to where to pass an agreeable evening, I
+say, "Go to the Garrick Theatre." By the way, a Correspondent suggests
+that _A Pair of Spectacles_ is an illustration of "The Hares
+Preservation Bill,"
+
+  JACK IN A BOX.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISCLAIMER.--The Right Hon. Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN, M.P., Anti-muzzle-man
+and Minister of Agriculture, wishes to deny explicitly that, when, by a
+_lapsus calami_, he was made to describe Mr. TAY PAY O'CONNOR as
+"peeping from behind the Speaker's chair," he ever intended to fix upon
+that honourable gentleman the _sobriquet_ of "Peeping Tom"; nor had he
+any idea of sending him to Coventry. What he _did_ say was----but it
+doesn't much matter what "he _did_ say," what he _didn't_ say is so much
+more to the point.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STANLEY AND AFRICAN EXHIBITION.--One of the largest contributors
+will be Mr. BONNY. This sounds well; at all events, it's BONNY. The
+French, who are now welcoming their own private African hero, _le
+Capitaine_ TRIVIER, back to his native land, may be induced to place
+their trophies under Mr. BONNY'S care, as, if Imperialists, they can
+then say they have a BONNY-part in this Exhibition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM AN INDIGNANT CORRESPONDENT.--"Sir,--I sent you a joke three months
+ago, which you have not used. Since then I have made arrangements for
+the joke to appear elsewhere." [What a chance we have lost!--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUERIES.
+
+_He._ "BY THE BYE, TALKING OF OLD TIMES, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT OCCASION
+WHEN I MADE SUCH AN AWFUL ASS OF MYSELF?"
+
+_She._ "_WHICH?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BIG GUN!"
+
+_Grand Old Gunner loquitur:--_
+
+  'Tis a regular "Mons Meg" of a cannon!
+    The swabs, they have been every one,
+  Very hard the Grand Old (Gunner) Man on,
+    But what will they think of _this_ gun?
+  Double shotted, and charged to the muzzle,
+    And trained by my hands and my eye,
+  The foes I conceive it will puzzle,
+              And tempt them to fly.
+
+  Mere skirmishing, up to the present,
+    With pop-guns, and flint-locks, and such;
+  But now! They will not find it pleasant,
+    When once this huge touch-hole I touch.
+  Mighty CÆSAR! I guess they won't like it;
+    Great SCOTT! won't it just raise a din?
+  And don't they just wish they could spike it
+              Before we begin?
+
+  The fun of it is, they have furnished
+    The filling themselves, unaware.
+  The shot they've cast, polished, and burnished,
+    The powder were prompt to prepare.
+  It's pitiful, quite, their position,
+    To see, the unfortunate elves!
+  Their carefully-stored ammunition
+              Thus turned on themselves.
+
+  Their batteries big it should batter,
+    Their trenches should burst and blow up,
+  Their forces allied it should scatter,
+    It's worse than an Armstrong or Krupp.
+  Chain-shot for swift slaughter's not in it,
+    For spreading it's better than grape,
+  They'll all be smashed up in a minute,
+              Scarce one can escape.
+
+  Now, MORLEY, my boy, and brave PARNELL,
+    _I'll_ lay it; just follow my hand.
+  That plain will soon look like a charnel,
+    With all that remains of their band;
+  The "fragments of him called McCARTY"
+    (Referred to, I think, in the song)
+  Were huge chunks to the scraps that their Party
+              Will show before long.
+
+  They shall see what I can do, when ready,
+    As Grand Old (Artillery) Man.
+  Right, PARNELL! left, MORLEY! Now, steady!!!
+    Stop! Just one last peep, whilst I can!
+  I _do_ hope, dear boys, there's no blunder;
+    I _think_ it is loaded all right.
+  Are they horribly frightened, I wonder?
+              Well, now for a sight!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE BIG GUN!"
+
+GRAND OLD GUNNER (_inspecting Cannon_). "IT'S BEAUTIFULLY LOADED! WHY,
+THE MERE LOOK OF IT IS ENOUGH TO SHAKE SM-TH'S 'RESOLUTION.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD FRIENDS AND COUNSEL.
+
+Our old friend MADDISON MORTON'S _Box and Cox_ runs SHAKSPEARE'S works
+generally very near in the matter of daily application. But fancy its
+being quoted as an authority by Sir HORACE DAVEY, in his masterly reply
+to t'other side in the Bishop of LINCOLN'S case. Yet so it was. "Bishop
+COSIN," said Sir HORACE, "had erroneously assumed that a letter had been
+written by CALVIN to KNOX, whereas it had been really written to an
+Englishman named Cox." So it was a mistake of the postman, after all,
+and it only wants the introduction of the name of Box to make the whole
+thing perfect and satisfactory. "It will be within the recollection of
+the Court," Sir HORACE might have continued, "that Cox was prevented
+from becoming the husband of PENELOPE ANNE, relict of WILLIAM WIGGINS,
+Proprietor of Bathing Machines at Margate and Ramsgate, by the sudden
+and totally unforeseen union of the lady in question with one KNOX,
+whose residence, as the Musical Revised Version has it, was usually 'in
+the Docks'; and with this marriage of PENELOPE ANNE WIGGINS with Mr.
+KNOX of the Docks, Messrs. BOX AND COX professed themselves entirely and
+completely satisfied, as it is my earnest hope that Your Grace, and My
+Lords the Bishops, will also be. And should this be the result, then I
+assure Your Grace that there will not be a happier party sit down this
+night to supper than 'READ and others,' of which fact you may take your
+Davey."
+
+On the Learned Counsel resuming his seat, there would have been
+considerable applause, which, of course, would have been instantly
+suppressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES "IN GLOBO."--_Dorothy_ was long ago taken off the stage of the
+Prince of Wales's to make room for _Paul Jones_. But another DOROTHY has
+recently reappeared at the Globe Theatre in the pretty Shakspearian
+fairy-play entitled, _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, wherein DOROTHY DENE
+enacts the part of _Hippolyta_. By the way, the lady who used to speak
+of that immortal work, _Dixon's Johnsonary_, the other day referred to
+SHAKSPEARE as being "contemporaneous with that great wit--dear me--what
+was his name?--who wrote _Every Man in his own Humour_--oh, I
+remember--JOHN BENSON." Eminently satisfactory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY TAILOR.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+    "The St. Petersburgh tailors have hit upon an effectual device for
+    obtaining payment of their bills. Immense black-boards are hung up
+    in the most conspicuous place in the reception-room; thereon are
+    chalked, in letters as big as arrow-headed inscriptions, the names
+    of their hopelessly-indebted clients, and the amount of their
+    indebtedness."
+
+_Daily Paper._
+
+  Who always seemed serene and bland;
+  Who never asked for "cash in hand,"
+  Quite pleased that my account should "stand"?
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who catered for the gilded throng,
+  Who chid me when my taste was wrong,
+  Whose credit--and whose price--was long?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who chatted when I felt depressed,
+  Who proffered wine with friendly zest,
+  Whose weeds were ever of the best?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who with sartorial oil anoints
+  My vanity, who pads my joints,
+  And fortifies my weakest points?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  But who in future, much I fear,
+  Will greet me with no words of cheer,
+  But talk of "settling"--language queer?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who silently will point his hand
+  To figures white on black-board grand.
+  Where all my unpaid "items" stand?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll thus expose me to my peers,
+  Bring on me jibes, and flouts, and sneers,
+  Male sniggerings, and female tears?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll frown when I suggest a loan,
+  And ne'er produce Clicquot or Beaune,
+  But for his "checks" demand my own?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll take my "measures" when he wills,
+  But only if I take his "bills,"
+  And add one more to human ills?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKEN AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+MY DEAR EDITOR,
+
+It was most kind of you to ask me to go to the St. James's Theatre, the
+other evening, to see Mrs. LANGTRY, after I had told you that since my
+recovery from the influenza, I had unfortunately lost my memory. "Don't
+you know anything about _As You Like It_?" you asked. I pondered deeply,
+and then replied, that I half fancied it was a GERMAN REED'S
+Entertainment, that would have gone better had it included a part for
+Mr. CORNEY GRAIN. You told me I was wrong, but intimated that my
+ignorance on the subject would make my notice the more impartial. So I
+went.
+
+As to the play--was I pleased with _As You Like It_? Well, I have known
+worse, but I have seen better. It seemed a mixture of prose and verse,
+with several topical allusions that appeared, somehow or other, to have
+lost their point. For instance, a dull dog of a jester (played in a
+funereal fashion by Mr. SUGDEN) stopped the action of the piece, for
+what seemed to me (no doubt the time was actually less) some
+three-quarters of an hour, while he explained the difference between the
+"retort courteous" and "the reproof valiant." The plot was as thin as a
+wafer, but as it is, no doubt, generally known, I need not further refer
+to it. Mrs. LANGTRY was a most graceful and pleasing _Rosalind_. She
+acted with an earnestness worthy of a better cause, and afforded not a
+trace of the amateur. Of Miss VIOLET ARMBRUSTER as _Hymen_, I might say,
+with a friend who spent several hours in knocking off the impromptu--
+
+  TO A SEASONABLE VIOLET.
+
+  Had always Hymen
+    Such mien, such carriage,
+  You ne'er would fly, men,
+    The state of marriage!
+
+[Illustration: A New Piece.]
+
+Mr. LAWRENCE CAUTLEY, as _Orlando_, had an uphill part. At times (thanks
+to the author) he appeared in situations that were absolutely
+ridiculous. For instance, he leaves an old retainer (capitally played by
+that soundest of sound actors, Mr. EVERILL) dying of starvation, and,
+sword in hand, appears at a pic-nic of the banished _Duke_, to demand
+refreshment. "I almost die for food, and let me have it," says
+_Orlando_, and is welcomed by the _Duke_ to his table. And what does
+_Orlando_ do? Does he seize the boar's head, or something equally
+attractive, and rush back to his fainting servitor with the prize? Not a
+bit of it! He leisurely delivers fourteen lines of blank verse about the
+"shade of melancholy boughs," "the creeping hours of time," and
+"blushing, hides his sword!" In my neighbourhood happened to be one of
+the greatest advocates of our generation, and I heard this legal
+luminary whisper, "while that fellow is talking, the old servant will
+die of starvation," and the legal luminary was entirely and absolutely
+right. _Adam would_ have died of starvation while his garrulous master
+was posturing. A country wench called _Audrey_ was admirably
+impersonated by Miss MARION LEA, and the remainder of the cast was, on
+the whole, satisfactory. Stay, it is only just that I should single out
+for special commendation Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER, who played a character,
+to whom reference was frequently made as "the melancholy _Jaques_,"
+faultlessly. Here again the author committed an indiscretion. _Jaques_
+(by the way, why was not Mr. SUGDEN'S _rôle_ described as, "the more
+melancholy _Touchstone_?") is permitted to stop the action of the piece
+to deliver some thirty lines commencing with the trite truism, "all the
+world's a stage." Mr. BOURCHIER spoke his words with excellent
+discretion, but I cannot help thinking that, in the cause of Art, the
+speech should have been cut out, and I have no doubt, that Mr.
+BOURCHIER, as a true artist, will cordially agree with me.
+
+And so, to quote Mrs. LANGTRY in the Epilogue, "farewell;" but in spite
+of what you have said to the contrary, I am still of opinion, my dear
+Editor, that _As You Like It_ must have been originally intended for Mr.
+and Mrs. GERMAN REED'S Entertainment, minus Mr. CORNEY GRAIN.
+
+  Sincerely Yours,
+    A CORRESPONDENT WITHOUT A MEMORY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART-AUCTIONEER'S RELIGION, "CHRISTIE-anity."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ASTRAL COMPLICATION.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+  In periods of sleep, despair,
+    Of aberration, we have guessed
+  We were not altogether there,
+    But seldom known where was the rest.
+
+  Our Astral Bodies wander far,
+    Whenever they will not be missed.
+  Strange things in earth and heaven are
+    For the devout theosophist.
+
+  Young  WILFRID wooed the wealth of  CLARE;
+    But ah, in spite of golden dearth,
+  His mind and heart approved more fair
+     KATE'S intellect and moral worth.
+
+  "Prudence my steps inspire!" he said;
+    And automatically to
+  The residence of  CLARE he sped,
+    And gained an instant's interview.
+
+  "Fairest," he cried, "my homage deep
+    Ah, not your rank, your wealth command!
+  These idle baubles, lady, keep.
+    Give me alone this lily hand!"
+
+  "I will," she said. (The dinner gong
+    That moment sounded.) "Haste away;
+  But meet me in the social throng
+    To-morrow--that is, Saturday."
+
+  That self-same hour--the clock struck eight--
+    In Holloway began to muse
+  The charming and the gifted  KATE
+    On logarithms most abstruse.
+
+  Her door stood wide! Who entered there?
+    'Twas WILFRID spoke in hollow tone.
+  "With me life's logarithms share,
+    KATE, that I cannot solve alone!"
+
+  "I will," she answered. "But begone!
+    Strange chaperons inspect, explore.
+  The Principal, the stairs is on!"
+    He sighed, and vanished from the door.
+
+  Next eve, amid the social throng,
+    Serene stood CLARE at WILFRID'S side;
+  And dreaming not that aught was wrong,
+    She gaily questioned and replied.
+
+  Till WILFRID suddenly was 'ware,
+    Close by, of a familiar face,
+  And realised with wild despair
+    All, all the horror of the case!
+
+  "Oh, what is wrong?" cried CLARE in awe.
+    Calmly, he answered. "It was He,
+  My Astral Body, that she saw.
+    Oh, which am I? Oh, woe is me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EAST-ERN ART IN BOND STREET.--"So let the world jog along as it will,
+I'll be Japanese-y still! Japanese-y, Japanese-y. I'll be Japanese-y
+still!" Can't help singing when we see Mr. EAST'S pictures of Japan at
+the Fine Art Society's Gallery. This clever artist sojourned in that
+country from March to September. He kept his eyes open and his hand ever
+busy, and has brought back more than a hundred pictures--fresh,
+brilliant, and original. Such marvellous aspects of scenery, such wealth
+of colour, such novelty do we behold, that we long to start off at once
+to Yokohama, to Nikkô, to Hakone, to Tôkiyo, or any one of these
+delightful places--singing. "Let's quit this cold climate so dull and
+Britannical, And revel in sunshine and colour Japanical!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBABLE PUBLICATION.--Companion work to _Sardine and the Sardes_, by
+the same author, to be entitled _Sardinia and the Sardines_, illustrated
+in oils, and sold in tincases. Great reduction (at lunch time) on taking
+a quantity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES AT LAMBETH. (_As seen by
+Mr. Punch's Artist in a Fog._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES.
+
+Lambeth is in darkness. A Policeman with a bull's-eye prevents my
+driver's energetic endeavours to drive through the Palace wall. I
+stumble into the large hall known as the Library. "Here," said I to
+myself, "is taking place the historic trial of the Bishop of LINCOLN."
+The weird scene strongly resembles the Dream Trial in _The Bells_, where
+the judges, counsel, and all concerned, are in a fog. Will the limelight
+flash suddenly upon the chief actor, the Bishop of LINCOLN, as he takes
+the stage and re-acts the part that has caused the trial? Archbishop
+BANCROFT founded this library, so theatrical associations are natural.
+The only lights in the long and lofty library (excepting the clerical
+and legal) are a dozen or two wax candles and a few oil-lamps, but of
+daylight, gaslight, or electric, nothing. I can hear the voice of JEUNE,
+Q.C., the JEUNE _premier_ of this ecclesiastical drama.
+
+They have commenced proceedings. In this, the Archbishop's Court, they,
+very properly, begin with prayer. So does the House of Commons. "Any
+special form of orison?" I ask in a whisper of the JEUNE _premier_, Q.C.
+"Yes," he answers in a subdued tone. "Look in your prayer-book for 'form
+of prayer to be used by those at sea.' That's it." Then he has to
+continue his argument.
+
+At the further end of the library we have the Church, represented by an
+Archbishop and five Bishops; also a Judge, in a full-bottomed wig, who
+has evidently got in by mistake. Then we have the Law, represented by a
+row of Q.C.'s, their juniors, and attendants; and then a chorus of
+ordinary people, and common, or Thames Policemen. But where's the Bishop
+of LINCOLN? Not among the Thames Policemen? Not in the Dock? Where? Aha!
+I see him. I focus him. I sketch him. _Veni, vidi, vici!_ I show result
+on paper to Official. "Oh, no," he says; "that's not the Bishop, that's
+THINGUMMY," a Clerk of the Court, or something. Hang THINGUMMY! Official
+disappears. Lights, ho! a link on Lincoln! I determine to find him. The
+Bishops sit round three tables, on a raised platform. The Archbishop of
+CANTERBURY sits in the centre; on his right is the mysterious Judge, in
+full wig, and red robes; this is the Vicar-General, Sir JAMES PARKER
+DEANE, Q.C.; next to him sits Assessor Dr. ATLAY, Bishop of HEREFORD,
+who looks anything but happy; his hair has the appearance of being
+impelled by a strong draught, and his hand is to his face, as if the
+draught had produced toothache. The portly Bishop of OXFORD is on his
+right, and like the other corner man, the Bishop of SALISBURY, he
+scribbles away at a great rate in a huge manuscript book, or roll of
+foolscap. On the left of the Archbishop sits the Bishop of LONDON, who
+severely questions the Counsel, and evidently relishes acting the
+school-master over again. The Bishop of ROCHESTER sitting on LONDON'S
+left, supplies the comedy element, so far as facial expression goes; his
+mouth is wide open, and he holds some papers in front of him in an
+attitude which suggests that he will presently break forth into song.
+But where, oh where, is the Bishop of LINCOLN? Ah, I see him. I sketch
+him. I write his name under sketch, and show it to one of the Reporters.
+He scribbles across it, "Wrong." I write, "Where is he?" He waves me
+away. I believe the Bishop is at the other side of the long table, by
+his Counsel. There is a candle in front of him. I make my way to the
+other side. I find the Bishop is an old lady! I write, "Where does the
+Bishop of LINCOLN sit?" on a piece of paper, and take it to an Official.
+He cannot see to read it, so some time is lost while he finds a
+convenient candle. He looks towards me, and points to a corner.
+
+Good! At last! There is an old gentleman, in plain clothes it is true,
+but still otherwise every inch a Bishop or a Butler, or perhaps both in
+one,--say Bishop BUTLER. I have just finished a careful study of him,
+when he turns round and whispers, "Please, Sir, can you tell me which is
+the Bishop of LINCOLN?" I shake my head angrily, and move away. I'll
+bide my time. JEUNE _premier_ is answering the hundred-and-seventh
+question of the Bishop of LONDON, and is being "supported" by Sir WALTER
+PHILLIMORE. It amuses me to hear these two clever Counsel, in this
+natural and ecclesiastical fog, carrying on an animated legal
+conversation with each other, ignoring the Bishops; not that the latter
+seem to mind, as they scribble merrily away at their folios. Are their
+Right Reverend Lordships engaged in writing their Sunday sermons?
+
+But where is _the_ Bishop? He ought to be near his Counsel. The severe
+Sir HORACE DAVEY sits writing letters; next to him the affable Dr.
+TRISTRAM, then the rubicund Mr. DANKWERTS, but no Bishop. One o'clock!
+The Bishops rise for Lunch and Levée. "Where, oh where! is the Bishop of
+LINCOLN?" I ask JEUNE _premier_. "Quick--I want to sketch him before he
+leaves!"
+
+"The Bishop!" returns the First Ecclesiastical Young Man, smiling. "Oh,
+he never comes near the place." _Exit_ JEUNE _premier_. I appeal to the
+austere Sir HORACE DAVEY. "I can't tell you," says sir HORACE--"DAVEY
+_sum, non OEdipus_." And off he goes, to argue another sort of a case
+about Baird language and the Pelican Club. He will say no more. On this
+occasion only, HORACE is TACITUS. I do not find the Bishop, and quit
+Lambeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIKELY--VERY!
+
+"CONFOUND THESE BLACKS! THEY FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE!" "YES, MY DEAR
+FELLOW; THEY TAKE YOU FOR A MISSIONARY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITTLE DUC AND HIS BIG BILL.
+
+The _restaurateur_ evidently considered that he "didn't kill a pig every
+day," when he stuck _Le Petit Duc_ for this now historic bill, which, as
+given in full by the _Figaro_, _Mr. Punch_ reproduces here for general
+edification:--
+
+    Un artichaut barigoule   12fr.
+    Un châteaubriand         16 "
+    1 sole                   10 "
+    1 noix de veau           10 "
+    1 homard                 25 "
+    1 salade                  3 "
+    1 caneton aux navets     25 "
+    6 écrevisses             15 "
+    Hors d'oeuvre             5 "
+    Une assiette de fruits   16 "
+
+Whenever it may be the lot of any distinguished Member of the Upper
+House to be sent to the Tower of London, or a Member of the Lower to be
+shut up in the Clock Tower, the Provisional Government for the time
+being will know what to charge for its provisions. The _restaurateur_
+addressed his little account, "_À Sa Magesté (sic) Louis
+Philippe-Robert_ ('ROBERT' was in it) _Duc d'Orléans_." In styling _Le
+Petit Duc_ "His Majesty" the artful _restaurateur_ evidently had in view
+a future _restauration_. The _restaurateur_, who expected to provide the
+young Duke of ORLEANS with a second dinner, of course quoted SHAKSPEARE,
+and exclaimed enthusiastically--
+
+    "I must go victual Orleans forthwith!"
+
+_Henry V., Part I., Act I., Sc. 5._
+
+But the youthful Duc or Duckling wasn't to be caught and stuffed a
+second time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SATURDAY SERIES.--"Hunters' Dams" was the heading of an article in
+last week's _Saturday Review_. As the counter-jumper politely says,
+"What will be the next article?" We look forward with interest to
+"Shooters' Swearings," "Anglers' Affirmations," "Coursers' Curses," and
+a few others that may suggest themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL SOCIETY OF PAINTER-ETCHERS.--At the pleasant Gallery, 5A, Pall
+Mall East, is a good show of needle-work. One of the most prolific
+contributors is a certain clever gentleman whose name may possibly be
+familiar to some of our readers, one REMBRANDT VAN RHYN, who sends no
+less than a hundred works.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. III.--THE YOUNG M.P.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+For the proper production of the young M.P. there are many receipts, but
+only one is genuine. Take a rickety boy, and provide him with a wealthy
+father, slightly flavoured with a good social position and political
+tastes. Send him to a public school, having first eliminated as much
+youthfulness as is compatible with continued existence. Add some
+flattering masters, and a distaste for games. Season with the idea that
+he is born for a great career. Let him be, if possible, verbose and
+argumentative, and inclined to contradict his elders. Eliminate more
+youth and transfer hot to a University. Add more verbosity, and a strong
+extract of priggishness. Throw in a degree, and two speeches at the
+Union. Set him to simmer for two years in a popular constituency, and
+serve him up, a chattering pedant of twenty-four, at Westminster.
+
+In the course of the contest which resulted in his return to the House
+of Commons, the young M.P. will have tasted the sweets of advertisement
+by seeing his name constantly placarded in huge letters on coloured
+posters. He will have been constantly referred to as "Our popular young
+Candidate," and he will thus have become convinced that the welfare of
+his country imperatively demands his immediate presence and permanent
+continuance in Parliament. When the genial butcher who, besides
+retailing the carcases of sheep and oxen, sits in the Town Council, and
+presides over one of the local political associations, declared, as he
+often has at other contests and of other candidates, that never, in the
+course of his political career, had he listened to more mature wisdom,
+adorned with nobler eloquence, than that which had fallen from "Our
+young and popular Candidate," he was merely satisfying a burning desire
+for rhetorical expansion, without any particular regard to accuracy of
+statement. But the candidate himself greedily gulps that lump of
+flattery, and all the praise which is the conventional sauce for every
+political gander. On this he grows fat, and being, in addition, puffed
+up by a very considerable conceit of his own, he eventually presents an
+aspect which is not pleasing, and assumes (towards those who are not
+voters in the Constituency) a manner which can scarcely be described as
+modest.
+
+The majority of his Constituents regard him simply as an automatic
+machine for the regular distribution of large subscriptions. He regards
+himself as a being of great importance and capacity, and endowed with
+the power of acting as he likes, whilst the local wirepullers look upon
+him as a convenient mask, behind which they may the more effectively
+carry on their own petty schemes of personal ambition.
+
+As a Candidate, moreover, the young M.P. will have discovered that the
+triumph of his party depends not merely or even chiefly upon the due
+exposition of those political principles with which he may have lately
+crammed himself by the aid of a stray volume of MILL, and a _Compendium
+of Political History_, but rather upon the careful observance of local
+custom and local etiquette, and the ceaseless effort to trump his
+adversary's every trick. He will thus have become the President of the
+local Glee Club, the Patron of a Scientific Association, and a local Dog
+Show, the Vice-President of four Cricket Clubs and of five Football
+Clubs, a Member of the Committee of the Hospital Ball, and of the
+Society for Improving the breed of Grey Parrots; to say nothing of the
+Guild for Promoting the happiness of Middle-aged Housemaids, and the
+local Association for the Distribution of Penny Buns, at cheap prices,
+to the deserving poor. Moreover, before he has discovered the true
+relation of benefit societies to politics, he will find himself a Member
+of the Odd Fellows, the Foresters, the Hearts of Oak, the Druids, and
+the Loyal and Ancient Order of Free and Accepted Buffaloes, with the
+right, conferred by the last-named Society, of being addressed on lodge
+nights as if he were a Baronet, or, at least, a Knight.
+
+Having thus met and shaken hands with the working-man during his hours
+of festive relaxation, the young M.P. will be properly qualified for
+discussing those social questions which form the chief part of every
+aspirant's political baggage. Being gifted with a happy power of
+enunciating pompous platitudes with an air of profound conviction, and
+of spreading butter churned from the speeches of his leaders on the
+bread of political economy, he will be highly thought of at meetings of
+political leagues of either sex, or of both combined. It is necessary
+that he should catch the eye of the Speaker during his first Session. He
+will afterwards talk to his Constituents of the forms of the House in
+the tone of one who is familiar with mysteries, and is accustomed to
+mingle on terms of equality with the great and famous. He will bring in
+a Bill which an M.P. who was once young, has abandoned, and, finding his
+measure blocked, will discourse with extreme bitterness of the
+obstruction by which the efforts of rising political genius are
+oppressed.
+
+In London Society the young M.P. may be recognised by an air of
+conscious importance as of one who carries the burden of the State upon
+his shoulders, and desires to impress the fact upon others. He may be
+flattered by being consulted as to the secret intentions of foreign
+Cabinets or the prospects of party divisions. He will then speak at
+length of his leaders as "we," and will probably announce, in a voice
+intended not so much for his immediate neighbours as for the thoughtless
+crowd beyond, that "we shall smash them in Committee," and that
+"AKERS-DOUGLAS" (or ARNOLD MORLEY, as the case may be) "has asked me to
+answer the fellows on the other side to-morrow. I am not sure I shall
+speak," the MS. of his speech being already complete. On the following
+day he will speak during the dinner-hour to an audience of four, and,
+having escaped being counted out, will be greatly admired by his
+Constituents. He will assiduously attend all social functions, and will
+not object to seeing his name in the paragraphs of Society papers. It is
+not absolutely necessary that the young M.P. should be bald, but it is
+essential that he should wear a frock-coat. It is well, also, that his
+dress should be neat, but not ostentatiously spruce, lest the more
+horny-handed of his supporters should take umbrage at an offensive
+assumption of superiority over those whose votes keep him in place.
+
+Custom demands that the young M.P. should travel extensively, and that
+he should enlighten his home-staying Constituents as to the designs of
+Barataria, the labour question in Lilliput, and the prospects of
+federation in Laputa, by means of letters addressed to the local
+newspaper. He will also interview foreign potentates and statesmen, and
+cause the fact to be published through the medium of REUTER. On his
+return, he will write a book, and deliver a lecture before the Mutual
+Improvement Society of the town he represents. He will then marry, in
+order that he may attend Mothers' meetings by deputy, and cause his wife
+to make lavish purchases at a local bazaar, which he will have opened.
+Shortly afterwards he will select an unpopular fad, which certain
+members of his own party approve, and will take a vigorous stand against
+it on principle, thus earning the commendation of all parties as a man
+of independent views, and unswerving rectitude.
+
+If, at a subsequent election, he should chance to be rejected at the
+poll, he will publicly profess that he is delighted to be relieved of an
+uncongenial burden, whilst assuring his friends in private that the
+country in which able and honest men are neglected must be in a very bad
+way. He will, however, publish an address to the electors, in which he
+will claim a moral victory, and will assure them that it will ever be
+one of his proudest memories to have been connected with their
+constituency. He will spend his period of retirement on the stump, and,
+unless he be speedily furnished with another Constituency, will
+entertain doubts as to the sanity of his party leaders. Subsequently he
+will find himself again in the House of Commons, and, having been spoken
+of as a young man for about a quarter of a century, will at last become
+an Under-Secretary of State, and a grandfather, in the same year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER SINGERS.--Sir,--In accordance with your request, I visited the
+Meistersingers' Club (an institution which, seemingly from its name, has
+been established as a memorial to WAGNER), where a "dramatic
+performance" was given last week that had many points of interest to the
+languid pleasure-seeker, wearily thirsting for fresh sources of
+amusement. The evening's entertainment commenced with a play obligingly
+described by the author as a farce, which was followed by a new and
+original operetta, containing some very pretty music by Mr. PERCY REEVE,
+with the exquisitely droll title of _The Crusader and the Craven_. The
+one lady and two gentlemen who took part in this were, from a prompter's
+point of view, nearly perfect. Mr. R. HENDON as _Sir Rupert de
+Malvoisie_ (the Crusader) suggested, by his accent and gestures, that he
+must have come from the East--how far East, it boots not to inquire.
+Miss FLORENCE DARLEY was a good _Lady Alice_, and Mr. J. A. SHALE an
+efficient "Craven." Later on an operatic performance is threatened. If
+the thrilling series of arrangements on the back of the Programme is to
+be accepted as authentic, the members of the Club will be invited to
+have _Patience_. It would be difficult to find a more appropriate
+accessory to a Night with the Meistersingers. No one asked me to have
+any supper, Yours, A HAND AT CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari,
+Volume 98, March 8, 1890., by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30056 ***
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari, Volume 98,
+March 8, 1890., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or, the London Charivari, Volume 98, March 8, 1890.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2009 [EBook #30056]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MAR 8, 1890 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 98.
+
+  MARCH 8, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "This is what the County Council's Licensing Bill for
+Places of Entertainment did _not_ intend, as, according to the latest
+authoritative explanation, the L. C. C. does not consider Theatres as
+coming under the head of "places of entertainment". Rather hard on the
+Theatres!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL AND THE LYCEUM THEATRE.
+
+APPEAL OF MR. HENRY IRVING. RESULT.
+
+(_A not impossible Extract from Next Year's Morning Papers._)
+
+Yesterday, before the Theatres Committee of the London County Council,
+the appeal of MR. HENRY IRVING (the well-known actor and manager) against
+the decision of the Sub-Committee to refuse a licence to the Lyceum
+Theatre, came on for hearing.
+
+After MR. HENRY IRVING (who appeared in person) had addressed the
+Committee at some length, dwelling upon the character of the pieces he
+had produced during his management, and the care and expense with which
+they had been mounted, several members of the Committee expressed a wish
+to put questions to him, which MR. IRVING promised to answer to the best
+of his ability.
+
+MR. HECKLEBURY. I think you told us that _Hamlet_ was one of your
+favourite parts? Is it not the fact that the chief character in the play
+drives his _fiancée_ to madness and suicide by his cruelty, slays her
+father and brother, together with his own step-father, and procures the
+death of two of his school-fellows?
+
+MR. IRVING admitted that this was so. (_Sensation._)
+
+MR. HECKLEBURY. That is all I wanted to ask you.
+
+MR. FUSSLER. I understand that you have produced a play called _Othello_
+on more than one occasion; perhaps you will inform us whether the
+following passages are in your opinion suitable for public declamation?
+(Mr. FUSSLER _then proceeded to read several extracts to which he
+objected on account of their offensive signification_.)
+
+MR. IRVING protested that SHAKSPEARE, and not himself, was responsible
+for such passages.
+
+MR. FUSSLER. Unfortunately, SHAKSPEARE is not before us--and you are.
+You admit that you have produced a play containing lines such as
+I have just read? That is enough for Us.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. Unless I am mistaken, the hero in _Othello_ is not only a
+murderer but a suicide?
+
+MR. IRVING. Undoubtedly. (_Sensation._)
+
+MR. MEDLAM. We have heard something of a piece called _The Bells_. I
+seldom attend theatres myself, except in the exercise of my public
+functions, but I do happen to have seen that particular play on one
+occasion. Does my memory mislead me in saying, that you committed a
+brutal and savage murder in the course of the drama?
+
+MR. IRVING said that, as a matter of fact, the murder took place many
+years before the curtain rose--otherwise, the Member's memory was
+entirely accurate.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. Whenever the murder was committed, it remains undetected,
+and the criminal escapes all penalty--is not that the case?
+
+MR. IRVING urged that the Nemesis was worked out by the murderer's own
+conscience.
+
+MR. MEDLAM said that was all nonsense; a person's conscience could not
+be made visible on the stage, and here a murderer was represented as
+dying several years after his crime, in his own bedroom, respected by
+all who knew him. Did MR. IRVING intend to tell them that such a
+spectacle was calculated to deter an intending murderer, or did he not?
+That was the plain question.
+
+MR. IRVING thought that intending murderers formed so inappreciable an
+element in his usual audiences, that they might safely be left out of
+the calculation.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. But you might have an intending murderer among your
+audience, I suppose?
+
+MR. IRVING'S reply was not audible in the reporters' gallery.
+
+MR. PARSEEKER. I should like to hear what you have to say about
+duelling, MR. IRVING--I mean, is it, or is it not, a practice sanctioned
+by the laws of this country?
+
+MR. IRVING said that he did not quite understand the drift of such a
+question; but, since they asked him, he should say that duelling was
+distinctly illegal.
+
+MR. PARSEEKER. You will understand the drift of my question directly,
+MR. IRVING. I have made it my business to acquaint myself with your
+dramatic career, and I find that you have played as hero at various
+times in _Romeo and Juliet_, _Hamlet_, _The Corsican Brothers_, and _The
+Dead Heart_, besides _Macbeth_. Am I wrong in saying that in each of
+these pieces you fight a duel?
+
+MR. IRVING. No. I fight a duel in each of them, except _Macbeth_, in
+which there is no duel, only a hand-to-hand combat. I do commit a murder
+in _Macbeth_.
+
+A MEMBER. MR. IRVING'S tastes seem rather to run in the direction of
+murders. (_Laughter._)
+
+After the report of the Official Censor upon the general tone of the
+Lyceum plays during the last fifteen years had been read a second time
+and adopted, the Chairman, without more than a formal consultation with
+his colleagues, proceeded to announce the decision of the Committee. He
+said that they had not come to their present conclusion without long and
+anxious deliberation. They were now the constituted guardians of the
+public morals, and must fulfil their functions without fear or favour.
+(_Applause._) They must look at the character of the performances at
+each theatre, considering only whether they were or were not beneficial
+to morality. In the past, under a _régime_ happily now at an end, public
+opinion had been shamefully lax, and official control purely nominal;
+plays had been repeatedly performed, and even welcomed as classics,
+which he did not hesitate to say were full of incidents that were
+revolting to all well-regulated minds. SHAKSPEARE, who, with his
+undoubted talents, should have known better, was, so far from being an
+exception, one of the worst offenders. The Council must free themselves
+from the shackles of conventional tolerance. (_Applause._) Evil was
+evil--murder was murder--coarseness was coarseness--whether treated by
+SHAKSPEARE or anybody else. Nor could the Committee shut their eyes to
+the fact that Mr. IRVING'S histrionic ability, and his popularity with
+those who attended his exhibitions could only intensify the injurious
+effect which such representations must have upon young and
+impressionable minds. In his opinion, much as he regretted having to say
+so, the Lyceum was nothing less than a School of Murder. It aggravated
+rather than extenuated the evil to be told, as they had been told, that
+all these deeds of violence had been represented on the stage with every
+aid which money, art and research could give. Again, was it desirable
+that the Democracy should derive their ideas of the family life of
+crowned heads from being admitted into the scandalous secrets of the
+household of _Hamlet_? Or did they wish to see an injured husband
+following the example of _Othello_? A thousand times no. These things
+must be stopped. The Council was very far from taking a Puritanical view
+of the question--(_applause_)--they fully recognised that the stage was
+a necessary social evil, and, as such, must be tolerated until the
+public taste was sufficiently purified to refuse it further countenance;
+but, in the meantime, the Council must insure that such exhibitions as
+they were prepared to sanction were of a kind consistent with the
+preservation of good manners, decorum, and of the public
+peace--(_applause_)--none of which conditions, in the unanimous opinion
+of the Committee, was fulfilled by the class of entertainment which the
+appellant IRVING had, by his own admission, persisted in providing. On
+those grounds alone the Committee dismissed the Appeal, and declared the
+Lyceum Theatre closed till further notice. He might say, however, that
+they might possibly be induced, after a certain interval, to reconsider
+the question, and allow the theatre to be reopened on MR. IRVING'S
+undertaking to produce dramas of an entirely unobjectionable character
+in future. (MR. IRVING begged for some more definite leading as to the
+dramas alluded to.) The Chairman said that he had been informed that an
+illustrated periodical called _Punch_ was publishing a series of Moral
+Dramas, in which the sentiments and incidents were alike irreproachable.
+Let MR. IRVING promise to confine himself to these, and the Council would
+see about it. ( MR. IRVING then withdrew, without, however, having given
+any definite undertaking, and the Committee adjourned.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PUTTING HIS NOSE OUT OF JOINT."
+
+_Engineering (to Little Tour Eiffel)._ "WHERE ARE YOU, NOW, MY LITTLE
+MAN?"]
+
+    "The Eiffel Tower is 1000 feet high; if the Forth Bridge were put up
+    on end, it would be 5280 feet in height. The tower has in its
+    construction 7500 tons of iron; the bridge has 53,000 tons of the
+    best steel. The tower was made in about six months; the bridge has
+    required seven years. The Eiffel Tower is a wonderful thing; but,
+    then, how much more wonderful is the Forth Bridge!"--_Illustrated
+    London News._
+
+  _The Bridge._ You took lots of beating, my sky-scraping friend,
+          But  BENJAMIN BAKER has compassed _that_ end;
+          I am sure Monsieur  EIFFEL himself would allow
+          That the Bridge licks the Tower; so where are you _now_?
+
+  _The Tower._ _J'y suis et j'y reste_, my big friend and great rival,
+          I hope for a long and a glorious survival;
+          But don't mind admitting--all great souls are frank--
+          That you--for the present at least--take first rank
+          'Midst the mighty achievements adorning our sphere
+          Of our latest of Titans, the Great Engineer.
+
+  _The Bridge._ All hail, Engineering! No wonder you're proud
+          Of a work in whose honour all praises are loud;
+          No wonder 'tis opened by princes and peers
+          Amidst technical triumph and popular cheers;
+          No wonder that  BENJAMIN BAKER feels glad,
+          Sir  JOHN FOWLER and  COOPER quite other than sad.
+          'Twas a very big job, 'tis a very big day,
+          And the whole country joins in the Scotchmen's Hooray!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+What train of thought was it that led the indefatigable PERCY FITZGERALD
+to write, _The Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, which appears in one of the
+most striking wrappers that can be seen on a railway book-stall? How
+pleasant if we could obtain a real outside coat-pocket railway guide
+just this size. It is a pity that the Indefatigable and Percy-vering One
+did not apply to _Mr. Punch_ for permission to reprint the page of
+Bradshaw which appeared in _Mr. Punch's Bradshaw's Guide_, marvellously
+illustrated by BENNETT, many years ago. This _magnum opus in parvo_ is
+really interesting and amusing, but if there is one thing more than
+another which he who runs and reads desiderates of an author writing of
+time-tables and guides, it is accuracy. Now, in one particular instance,
+our PERCY is inaccurate. He writes: "Close on fifty years have passed
+by, and the guide with every year has continued, like _Mr. Stiggins_, to
+be a 'swellin' wisibly.'" The Brave Baron challenges PERCY to mortal
+combat on this issue, defying him to prove that _Mr. Stiggins_ was ever
+described within the limits of _Pickwick_, as "swellin' wisibly." Will
+the erudite biographer of _Bradshaw_ be surprised to learn, that, in the
+first place, the description "swellin' wisibly" was never applied to
+_Mr. Stiggins_ at all, but was used by _Mr. Weller_ senior, as
+illustrating the condition of a "young 'ooman on the next form but two"
+from where he was sitting, who had "drank nine breakfast cups and a
+half, and," he goes on to whisper to _Sam_, "_She's a swellin' wisibly
+before my wery eyes._" In the second place, the expression was employed
+at a time when _Mr. Stiggins_ was not present, but, in his official
+character, as "a deligate from the Dorking branch of our society,
+Brother _Stiggins_" was in attendance downstairs. With these two
+exceptions, one mistake of omission, and one of commission, the Baron
+confers his _imprimatur_ on the _Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, and
+recommends it to the public.
+
+For a first-rate, short, well-constructed, and sensationally interesting
+story, let me recommend my readers to _The Peril of Richard Pardon_.
+Only one possible objection do I see to it, and that is a matter of my
+own private opinion, which is, that _Richard Pardon_ is the most
+irritating idiot ever created by an author. For the sake of the story,
+it was necessary that he should be weak; but he is such a very
+backboneless man, and yet quite strong enough to support the fabric of
+the plot. Then one is cleverly put off the scent by a certain _Richard
+Mortlock_, from whom the reader expects much more than ever comes out.
+The sequel of this capital novelette must be _Richard Mortlock_. I have
+quite forgotten to say that _The Peril of Richard Pardon_ is by Mr. B.
+L. FARJEON, whom I have to thank for making time pass too rapidly on
+many a previous occasion. The Hour Before Dinner Series--not that this
+is the genuine title, but it might be, and is a suggestion--is a real
+"boon and a blessing" to those who, like _Podgers_, in JOHN
+HOLLINGSHEAD'S immortal farce, "only have a 'our," not for "their
+dinner," but for their novel-reading throughout the day. FARJEON _soit
+béni!_ (Signed) _The Baron de Book-Worms._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EVENTFUL WEEK.
+
+(_From a Prophetic Journal of Events, looming possibly somewhere
+a-head._)
+
+_Monday._--London, having now been without coal for sixteen weeks, and
+people having kept their kitchen-fires alight by burning their banisters
+and bedroom furniture, several noted West-end houses undertake to
+deliver the arms and legs of drawing-room chairs ("best screened"), at
+£26 5s. a ton for cash.
+
+_Tuesday._--All the petroleum in the country having now been exhausted
+for heating purposes, and Piccadilly being, in consequence, illuminated
+by a night-light in one lamp-post in every three, a "Discontented
+Ratepayer" commences a correspondence in the _Times_, commenting on the
+matter in a severe temper.
+
+_Wednesday._--Several Colliery Owners, in despair, descend into their
+own mines for the purpose of trying to raise some coal themselves, but
+their _employés_, declining to assist in hauling them up again, they are
+left to their fate, and nothing more is heard of them.
+
+_Thursday._--A Syndicate of Noblemen determine to try for coal on the
+spot, by sinking a mine in the middle of Belgrave Square, when, on
+arriving at a depth of 2500 feet, they come across an active volcano,
+which proves such a nuisance to the neighbourhood, that the Vestry is
+applied to by several parishioners to put a stop to it. On their sending
+the Sanitary Inspector to investigate the matter, he orders the mine to
+be closed. On this being done, the scheme collapses, several of the
+Syndicate, as a consequence, in despair emigrating to Tierra del Fuego.
+
+_Friday._--A set of studs and a drawing-room tiara of "Best Wallsend,"
+are shown in a window of a jeweller's in Bond Street, and attract such
+crowds that the Police have to be called in to prevent a block in the
+traffic, and keep the pavement clear for foot passengers.
+
+_Saturday._--Furious street riots commenced by a noble Duke in Grosvenor
+Place pulling up the wood pavement in front of his house, and having it
+carted rapidly into his coal-cellars. The move becoming popular, spreads
+in all directions, with the result of leading to serious collisions with
+the local Vestry Authorities, who call in the aid of the Police.
+
+_Sunday._--The Archbishop of CANTERBURY preaches to an enormous
+congregation in Westminster Abbey, on the "Plague of Darkness" in Egypt
+by the light of a one-farthing candle. This being, by some misadventure,
+inadvertently knocked over, the assembled multitude are enabled to
+realise, to some extent, the gloomy horrors of the situation as
+described by the reverend preacher, and, stumbling over each other,
+retire to unlighted streets and fireless hearths, to face another week
+of the consequences of the "Trade Problem," with the solution of which
+they have been brought face to face.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRAND OLD BILLEE.[A]
+
+    "It is stated that the captaincy of Deal Castle ... is to be offered
+    to Mr. GLADSTONE, the captaincy being in the gift of the Lord Warden
+    of the Cinque Ports."--_Daily News._
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+  There were three sailors of London city
+    Who found their (Party) ship at sea,
+  Although with programmes, authorised and unauthorised,
+    Most carefully they had loaded she.
+
+  There was greedy JOE and glosing JIMMY,
+    And the third was named Grand Old BILLEE;
+  And they were reduced to the piteous prospect
+    Of grubbing on one split (Party) pea.
+
+  Says greedy  JOE to glosing JIMMY,
+    "For captaincy I am hungaree."
+  To greedy JOE says glosing JIMMY,
+    "Then you and I must get rid of _he_."
+
+  Says greedy JOE to glosing JIMMY,
+    "With one another _we_ should agree.
+  With me as Captain, and you as First Mate,
+    If it wasn't for Grand Old BILLEE."
+
+  "Oh, BILLEE, we're going to chuck you over,
+    So prepare for a bath in the Irish Sea."
+  When BILL received this information,
+    His dexter optic winked he.
+
+  "First let me take an observation
+    From the main-top over the Irish Sea!"
+  "Make haste, make haste," says glosing JIMMY,
+    Whilst  JOE he fumbled his snickersnee.
+
+  So BILLY went up to the main-top-gallant mast,
+    And began to count o'er the Irish Sea;
+  And he scarce had come to eighty-six, or so,
+    When up he jumps. "Land Ho!" shouts he.
+
+  "I can see Ould Ireland! There's the Bay of Dublin;
+    With a distant glimpse of Amerikee.
+  And the Parliament upon College Green, bhoys,
+    With a right good glass I can (almost) see."
+
+  So they went ashore, and the crew when mustered
+    Kicked Guzzling  JOE, and cashiered JIMMEE.
+  But as for Grand Old BILLEE, they gave him
+    Of the old "Deal Castle" the captaincy!
+
+[Footnote A: As various versions of the popular song of _"Little
+Billee"_ have been set to music and sung, no apology is needed for the
+insertion in these pages of the version most up to date.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 24._--"Look here, TOBY, M.P.," said
+ARTHUR BALFOUR, almost fiercely; "if you suppose that I enjoy this sort
+of thing, you're quite mistaken." Hadn't supposed any such thing;
+hadn't, indeed, referred to the matter. Only looked at him inquiringly,
+as ATTORNEY-GENERAL for IRELAND, trudging stolidly through the mire,
+attempted to answer CHARLES RUSSELL. "If I _am_ Irish Secretary, as
+TREVELYAN once said, I'm an English gentleman, and if you suppose I have
+any sympathy with the sort of thing that goes on at Clongorey, you're
+mistaken. But I am answerable for law and order, and law and order I
+maintain."
+
+Thus ARTHUR, quite querulous. Have noticed sometimes, when a man
+hopelessly in the wrong, he is inclined to turn on his best friend and
+rend him. This Clongorey business, truly, a bad one. When, just now,
+SEXTON moved adjournment of House, in order to call attention to it,
+Conservatives rose with one accord and went forth. They know WINDBAG
+SEXTON of old, and thought he was probably going to favour them with one
+of his usual exercises. Better this once have stopped and listened.
+Interesting to see how two hundred English gentlemen would have voted
+had they learned all about Clongorey. Happily less, far less, than usual
+of the windbag about SEXTON. His story, in truth, needed no assistance
+from wind instrument. Farms at Clongorey simply strips of reclaimed bog
+land, on which struggling tenants had built miserable shanties; got
+along in good times; just managed to keep body and soul together, and
+pay the rent--rent on land they had literally created, and for huts they
+had actually built. Two years ago came a flood; swamped them. Asked
+landlord to make temporary reduction on rent, to tide over troublesome
+times. Landlord offered a pitiful trifle. What was thought of this shown
+by County Court Judge, who, on cases that came before him, permanently
+reduced rent by thrice amount of temporary reduction proffered. Judge
+further suggested that arrears should be wiped out. Landlord declined to
+listen to suggestion. Tenants drowned out by the cruel river, dragged
+out by the relentless landlord. Stood by whilst the emergency men
+wrenched roofs off their huts, and set fire to the ruins. A neighbour
+offered them shelter, enlarging out-buildings on her farm. Down came the
+police on workmen engaged in this act of charity. A hundred police, paid
+for by tax-payer, swooped down with fixed bayonets on Clongorey,
+arrested labourers, handcuffed them, marched them off to police
+barracks.
+
+This is the simple Story of Clongorey, reduced to facts not denied by
+BALFOUR or ATTORNEY-GENERAL, divested of all incidental matters alleged,
+such as the parading of the handcuffed prisoners through the crowded
+streets of the town, the police making raids among the crowd, naturally
+gathered to see the sight. "One man had his eyeball burst, another his
+skull broken." CHARLES RUSSELL, not given to exaggerated views, somewhat
+reputable as a legal authority, with law-books in hand stated his
+opinion that, apart from incidents of the foray, magistrates and police
+were acting illegally.
+
+"Well," said LONG LAWRANCE, turning his back on House of Commons, "I'm
+glad they've made me a Judge. Have ever been what is called a good
+Party-man; believe in BALFOUR; always ready to back him up with my vote;
+but, dash my wig (now that I'm going to wear a full-bottomed one) if I
+like voting to render possible the repetition of a business like this at
+Clongorey. Must begin to cultivate a judicial frame of mind; so I'll go
+for a walk on the terrace." LAWRANCE'S view evidently taken in other
+quarters of Conservative camp, for, after diligent whipping up,
+Ministerial majority reduced to 42. _Business done._--Address agreed to.
+
+_Tuesday._--Midst a mass of Notices of Motion, a sea of troublous words,
+GEORGE TREVELYAN drops in a score which shines forth with light of common
+sense. "Why," he asks, "does not Parliament rise at beginning of July,
+sitting through winter months for whatsoever longer period may be
+necessary for the due transaction of public business?"
+
+Why not? On Friday, the 14th March, TREVELYAN will put the question in
+formal way before House, so that they may vote on it. Conservative
+majority may well be expected to support it. No new thing; simply
+revival of older fashion. Our great grandfathers knew better than to
+swelter in London through July, pass the Twelfth of August at
+Westminster, and go off forlorn and jaded in the early days of
+September. Hunting men may have objections to raise; but then hunting
+men, though eminently respectable class, are not everybody, not even a
+majority; may even be spared to go hunting as usual. WALPOLE hunted like
+anything, yet in WALPOLE'S day Parliament oftener met in November than
+at any other time of year, and with due provision for Christmas
+holidays, sat into early summer. The thing can be done, and ought to be
+done--will be done if TREVELYAN sticks to it. Not nearly such a
+revolution in Procedure as that which, only a couple of years ago,
+established the automatic close of Debate at midnight. Who is there
+would like to go back to the old order of things in this respect?
+
+Got into Committee of Supply to-night on Vote for Houses of Parliament.
+TONY LUMPKIN turned up again. Last Session, in moment of inspiration,
+TONY spluttered forth a joke; likened new staircase in Westminster Hall
+to SPURGEON'S Pulpit. It is just as like the River Thames or Finsbury
+Park; but that's where the fun lies. Incongruity is the soul of wit.
+Everybody laughed last Session when TONY, with much gurgling, produced
+this bantling; brings it out again to-night.
+
+"Can't have too much of a good thing, TOBY," he says, wrestling with his
+exuberant shirt-front, and rubbing his hair the wrong way. "Always had
+my joke, you know, down in the country. Remember the little affair of
+the circuitous drive? This is what you may call my urban class of
+humour. SPURGEON'S Pulpit, Ha, ha!"--and TONY walked off delighted with
+himself.
+
+_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates.
+
+[Illustration: "Spurgeon's Pulpit, Ha, ha!"]
+
+_Thursday._--Pity that prejudice should be allowed to stand in way of
+doing the best thing. Talk just now of pending vacancies on the Bench;
+such talk recurrent; sometimes more talk than vacancy. "But I pass from
+that," as ARTHUR BALFOUR says, when gliding over knotty points of
+question put from Irish Benches. If not vacancy to-morrow, sure to be
+within week, or month, or year. Why not make JEMMY LOWTHER a Judge? It
+is true he has no practice at the Bar; but he was "called," and, I
+believe, went. That is a detail; what we desire in our Judges are, a
+certain impressive air, a striking presence, and an art of rotund
+speech. JAMES has played many parts in his time--Parliamentary Secretary
+to the Poor-Law Board, Under-Secretary for the Colonies, Chief Secretary
+for Ireland, and Steward of the Jockey Club. In this last capacity he, a
+year ago, temporarily assumed judicial functions. How well he bore
+himself! with what dignity! with what awful suavity! with what
+irreproachable integrity!
+
+That this manner is ingrained, is testified to on the occasions, too
+infrequent, when JEMMY rises in House. To-night BUCHANAN asked HOME
+SECRETARY a question, involving disrespect of rabbit-coursing. JAMES,
+the great patron of British sport in all developments, slowly rose, and
+impressively interposed. Was his Right Hon. friend, the HOME SECRETARY,
+aware that rabbit-coursing, conducted under recognised and established
+regulations, affords pastime to large masses of the industrious
+population who are unable, from their pecuniary circumstances, to
+indulge in the more expensive forms of sport? Those were JEMMY'S words,
+each syllable deliberately enunciated. What a study for the aspirant to
+Parliamentary style!
+
+Kindly Earl of RAVENSWORTH, who still haunts the Chamber in which Lord
+ESLINGTON once had a place, chanced to hear this question. Delighted
+with it. Wished he could introduce something of that sort in House of
+Lords. Went about Lobby with his faithful umbrella (companion of his
+daily life, wet or shine) murmuring the musical phrases. "Recognised and
+established regulations," "afford pastime to large masses of industrious
+population," "unable from pecuniary circumstances," "the more expensive
+forms of sport." That all very well, but not quite all. Easy enough to
+catch the trick of speech; who but JEMMY LOWTHER can add the indefinable
+personal gifts which invest even the commonplace with impressiveness?
+
+_Business done._--Lots. Ministers bring in Bills by the half-dozen.
+
+[Illustration: Earl and Umbrella.]
+
+_Friday._--Such _alouettes_! SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, who can't abear
+scandals, brought on alleged iniquity of Government in connection with
+Cleveland Street affair. Got off his speech; ATTORNEY-GENERAL replied;
+then SAGE proposed to offer few supplementary remarks. In course of
+these appeared frank declaration of his private opinion that everything
+the MARKISS says must be taken _cum grano Salis_-BURY; only the way he
+put it was much worse than that. COURTNEY asked him to withdraw.
+"Shan't!" said the SAGE. Then COURTNEY named him (calling him, by the
+way, "Mr. HENRY LABOUCHERE.") OLD MORALITY, rising to height of duty and
+occasion, moved that SAGE be suspended.
+
+"Oh, hang it!" cried Opposition--"can't agree to that."
+
+Divided on proposal; beaten, and SAGE hung up for a week. "He'll be
+pretty well dried by that time," grimly muttered the ATTORNEY-GENERAL,
+whom the SAGE had stroked the wrong way.
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account agreed to.
+
+[Illustration: Grand Historical Picture. Mr. Labouchere struggling with
+his Conscience.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A DOSE OF GREGORY."
+
+It is some time since I have tasted a dramatic mixture so much to my
+liking as Mr. GRUNDY'S Gregory's Mixture, known to the public, and
+likely to be highly popular with the public too, as _A Pair of
+Spectacles_. Art more refined than Mr. HARE'S, as _Benjamin Goldfinch_
+in this piece, has not been seen on the stage for many a long day; nor,
+except in _A Quiet Rubber_, do I remember Mr. HARE having had anything
+like this particular chance of displaying his rare skill as a genuine
+comedian of the very first rank.
+
+[Illustration: The Ruffled Hare. "This is your umbrella!"]
+
+Everyone remembers, or ought to remember, DICKENS'S "_Brothers
+Cheeryble_." Well, _Benjamin Goldfinch_ has all the milk of human
+kindness which characterised these philanthropic Gemini. As to moral
+characteristics, he is these two single gentlemen rolled into one, while
+physically, his exterior rather conjures up the picture of _Harold
+Skimpole_, though his eyes beam with the youthful impetuosity of old
+_Martin Chuzzlewit_ when he caned _Pecksniff_. To this delightfully
+guileless good Samaritan, the rough, nay brutal, _Uncle Gregory_ from
+Sheffield, with a heart apparently as hard as his own ware, is a
+contrast most skilfully brought out by Mr. CHARLES GROVE. Though the
+part of _Uncle Gregory_ does not require the delicate treatment demanded
+by that of _Goldfinch_, yet it might very easily be overdone; but never
+once does Mr. GROVE overshoot the mark, although the author has
+imperilled its success by too frequent repetition of a catch-phrase, "I
+know that man," "I know that father," "I know that friend," and so
+forth, which is sometimes on the verge of becoming wearisome. Indeed,
+even now, I should be inclined to cut out at least half a dozen of these
+variations of the original phrase. His short but sufficient
+representation of the effects of too much lunch on _Uncle Gregory_ is
+masterly. So realistic, in the best sense of the word, is the
+impersonation of these two characters, that one is inclined to resent
+the brutality of _Uncle Gregory_, when one sees the change suddenly
+effected in the sweet and sympathetic nature of _Benjamin Goldfinch_,
+and when we see him suspicious of everybody, and even of his young wife,
+whom he loves so dearly, we murmur, "Oh, what a noble mind is here
+o'erthrown!" And, indeed, but that it is impossible to help laughing
+from first to last, the final scenes of this charming piece, replete
+with touches of real human nature, would send an audience away crying
+with joy, to think of the possible goodness existent in the world, of
+which one occasionally hears, but so seldom sees, except on the stage.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Grove as Gregory the Grater.]
+
+Not a part in this piece is even indifferently played. The two young
+men, Mr. RUDGE HARDING, and Mr. SYDNEY BROUGH, both very good, the
+latter having better dramatic opportunities, and making the most of
+them. Mr. DODSWORTH just the very man for _Friend Lorimer_; Mr. CATHCART
+is _Joyce_, the Butler; and of the two Shoemakers, respectively played
+by Mr. KNIGHT and Mr. BYRON, I can only say, "I know those shoemakers."
+
+As for the Ladies, Miss KATE RORKE looks very pretty, and acts
+charmingly as young _Mrs. Goldfinch_; Miss HORLOCK is very nice as _Lucy
+Lorimer_, delivering herself of a little bit of picturesque sentiment
+about feeding the birds (_Les Petits Oiseaux_ is the title of the old
+French piece, if I remember rightly) in a rather too forcedly ingenuous
+manner, but behaving most naturally in the interrupted courtship scene,
+and being generally very sympathetic. I mustn't omit Miss HUNTER, pink
+of parlour-maids, not the conventional flirty soubrette nor the
+low-comedy waiting-woman, but a self-respecting, responsible young
+person, conscious of her own and her young man's moral rectitude, and
+satisfied with quarter-day and the Post-Office Savings Bank.
+
+Only one single fault have I to find with the piece, and as it cannot be
+entirely remedied, though it might be modified, I will mention it. The
+title is a mistake; that can't be altered now: but the attempt at
+illustrating the double-meaning conveyed in the title by the practical
+"business" of changing the material glasses and thus hampering the actor
+by the necessity of altering his expression and his manner in accordance
+with his deposition or his resumption of these spectacles, seems to me
+to be childish to a degree, and tends towards turning this simple tale
+into a kind of fairy story, in which the spectacles play the part of a
+magic potion or charm, such as Mr. W. S. GILBERT would use in his
+_Creatures of Impulse_, his _Fogarty's Fairy_, and his _Sorcerer_,
+whenever he wishes to bring about a sudden and otherwise inexplicable
+transition from one mental attitude to another, and entirely opposite.
+But for the earnestness of the actors, this _reductio ad Fairydum_ would
+have imparted an air of unreality to the characters and incidents which
+does not belong to them. The plot is a model of neat construction; and,
+to everyone at all in doubt as to where to pass an agreeable evening, I
+say, "Go to the Garrick Theatre." By the way, a Correspondent suggests
+that _A Pair of Spectacles_ is an illustration of "The Hares
+Preservation Bill,"
+
+  JACK IN A BOX.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISCLAIMER.--The Right Hon. Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN, M.P., Anti-muzzle-man
+and Minister of Agriculture, wishes to deny explicitly that, when, by a
+_lapsus calami_, he was made to describe Mr. TAY PAY O'CONNOR as
+"peeping from behind the Speaker's chair," he ever intended to fix upon
+that honourable gentleman the _sobriquet_ of "Peeping Tom"; nor had he
+any idea of sending him to Coventry. What he _did_ say was----but it
+doesn't much matter what "he _did_ say," what he _didn't_ say is so much
+more to the point.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STANLEY AND AFRICAN EXHIBITION.--One of the largest contributors
+will be Mr. BONNY. This sounds well; at all events, it's BONNY. The
+French, who are now welcoming their own private African hero, _le
+Capitaine_ TRIVIER, back to his native land, may be induced to place
+their trophies under Mr. BONNY'S care, as, if Imperialists, they can
+then say they have a BONNY-part in this Exhibition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM AN INDIGNANT CORRESPONDENT.--"Sir,--I sent you a joke three months
+ago, which you have not used. Since then I have made arrangements for
+the joke to appear elsewhere." [What a chance we have lost!--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUERIES.
+
+_He._ "BY THE BYE, TALKING OF OLD TIMES, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT OCCASION
+WHEN I MADE SUCH AN AWFUL ASS OF MYSELF?"
+
+_She._ "_WHICH?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BIG GUN!"
+
+_Grand Old Gunner loquitur:--_
+
+  'Tis a regular "Mons Meg" of a cannon!
+    The swabs, they have been every one,
+  Very hard the Grand Old (Gunner) Man on,
+    But what will they think of _this_ gun?
+  Double shotted, and charged to the muzzle,
+    And trained by my hands and my eye,
+  The foes I conceive it will puzzle,
+              And tempt them to fly.
+
+  Mere skirmishing, up to the present,
+    With pop-guns, and flint-locks, and such;
+  But now! They will not find it pleasant,
+    When once this huge touch-hole I touch.
+  Mighty CÆSAR! I guess they won't like it;
+    Great SCOTT! won't it just raise a din?
+  And don't they just wish they could spike it
+              Before we begin?
+
+  The fun of it is, they have furnished
+    The filling themselves, unaware.
+  The shot they've cast, polished, and burnished,
+    The powder were prompt to prepare.
+  It's pitiful, quite, their position,
+    To see, the unfortunate elves!
+  Their carefully-stored ammunition
+              Thus turned on themselves.
+
+  Their batteries big it should batter,
+    Their trenches should burst and blow up,
+  Their forces allied it should scatter,
+    It's worse than an Armstrong or Krupp.
+  Chain-shot for swift slaughter's not in it,
+    For spreading it's better than grape,
+  They'll all be smashed up in a minute,
+              Scarce one can escape.
+
+  Now, MORLEY, my boy, and brave PARNELL,
+    _I'll_ lay it; just follow my hand.
+  That plain will soon look like a charnel,
+    With all that remains of their band;
+  The "fragments of him called McCARTY"
+    (Referred to, I think, in the song)
+  Were huge chunks to the scraps that their Party
+              Will show before long.
+
+  They shall see what I can do, when ready,
+    As Grand Old (Artillery) Man.
+  Right, PARNELL! left, MORLEY! Now, steady!!!
+    Stop! Just one last peep, whilst I can!
+  I _do_ hope, dear boys, there's no blunder;
+    I _think_ it is loaded all right.
+  Are they horribly frightened, I wonder?
+              Well, now for a sight!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE BIG GUN!"
+
+GRAND OLD GUNNER (_inspecting Cannon_). "IT'S BEAUTIFULLY LOADED! WHY,
+THE MERE LOOK OF IT IS ENOUGH TO SHAKE SM-TH'S 'RESOLUTION.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD FRIENDS AND COUNSEL.
+
+Our old friend MADDISON MORTON'S _Box and Cox_ runs SHAKSPEARE'S works
+generally very near in the matter of daily application. But fancy its
+being quoted as an authority by Sir HORACE DAVEY, in his masterly reply
+to t'other side in the Bishop of LINCOLN'S case. Yet so it was. "Bishop
+COSIN," said Sir HORACE, "had erroneously assumed that a letter had been
+written by CALVIN to KNOX, whereas it had been really written to an
+Englishman named Cox." So it was a mistake of the postman, after all,
+and it only wants the introduction of the name of Box to make the whole
+thing perfect and satisfactory. "It will be within the recollection of
+the Court," Sir HORACE might have continued, "that Cox was prevented
+from becoming the husband of PENELOPE ANNE, relict of WILLIAM WIGGINS,
+Proprietor of Bathing Machines at Margate and Ramsgate, by the sudden
+and totally unforeseen union of the lady in question with one KNOX,
+whose residence, as the Musical Revised Version has it, was usually 'in
+the Docks'; and with this marriage of PENELOPE ANNE WIGGINS with Mr.
+KNOX of the Docks, Messrs. BOX AND COX professed themselves entirely and
+completely satisfied, as it is my earnest hope that Your Grace, and My
+Lords the Bishops, will also be. And should this be the result, then I
+assure Your Grace that there will not be a happier party sit down this
+night to supper than 'READ and others,' of which fact you may take your
+Davey."
+
+On the Learned Counsel resuming his seat, there would have been
+considerable applause, which, of course, would have been instantly
+suppressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES "IN GLOBO."--_Dorothy_ was long ago taken off the stage of the
+Prince of Wales's to make room for _Paul Jones_. But another DOROTHY has
+recently reappeared at the Globe Theatre in the pretty Shakspearian
+fairy-play entitled, _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, wherein DOROTHY DENE
+enacts the part of _Hippolyta_. By the way, the lady who used to speak
+of that immortal work, _Dixon's Johnsonary_, the other day referred to
+SHAKSPEARE as being "contemporaneous with that great wit--dear me--what
+was his name?--who wrote _Every Man in his own Humour_--oh, I
+remember--JOHN BENSON." Eminently satisfactory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY TAILOR.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+    "The St. Petersburgh tailors have hit upon an effectual device for
+    obtaining payment of their bills. Immense black-boards are hung up
+    in the most conspicuous place in the reception-room; thereon are
+    chalked, in letters as big as arrow-headed inscriptions, the names
+    of their hopelessly-indebted clients, and the amount of their
+    indebtedness."
+
+_Daily Paper._
+
+  Who always seemed serene and bland;
+  Who never asked for "cash in hand,"
+  Quite pleased that my account should "stand"?
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who catered for the gilded throng,
+  Who chid me when my taste was wrong,
+  Whose credit--and whose price--was long?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who chatted when I felt depressed,
+  Who proffered wine with friendly zest,
+  Whose weeds were ever of the best?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who with sartorial oil anoints
+  My vanity, who pads my joints,
+  And fortifies my weakest points?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  But who in future, much I fear,
+  Will greet me with no words of cheer,
+  But talk of "settling"--language queer?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who silently will point his hand
+  To figures white on black-board grand.
+  Where all my unpaid "items" stand?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll thus expose me to my peers,
+  Bring on me jibes, and flouts, and sneers,
+  Male sniggerings, and female tears?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll frown when I suggest a loan,
+  And ne'er produce Clicquot or Beaune,
+  But for his "checks" demand my own?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll take my "measures" when he wills,
+  But only if I take his "bills,"
+  And add one more to human ills?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKEN AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+MY DEAR EDITOR,
+
+It was most kind of you to ask me to go to the St. James's Theatre, the
+other evening, to see Mrs. LANGTRY, after I had told you that since my
+recovery from the influenza, I had unfortunately lost my memory. "Don't
+you know anything about _As You Like It_?" you asked. I pondered deeply,
+and then replied, that I half fancied it was a GERMAN REED'S
+Entertainment, that would have gone better had it included a part for
+Mr. CORNEY GRAIN. You told me I was wrong, but intimated that my
+ignorance on the subject would make my notice the more impartial. So I
+went.
+
+As to the play--was I pleased with _As You Like It_? Well, I have known
+worse, but I have seen better. It seemed a mixture of prose and verse,
+with several topical allusions that appeared, somehow or other, to have
+lost their point. For instance, a dull dog of a jester (played in a
+funereal fashion by Mr. SUGDEN) stopped the action of the piece, for
+what seemed to me (no doubt the time was actually less) some
+three-quarters of an hour, while he explained the difference between the
+"retort courteous" and "the reproof valiant." The plot was as thin as a
+wafer, but as it is, no doubt, generally known, I need not further refer
+to it. Mrs. LANGTRY was a most graceful and pleasing _Rosalind_. She
+acted with an earnestness worthy of a better cause, and afforded not a
+trace of the amateur. Of Miss VIOLET ARMBRUSTER as _Hymen_, I might say,
+with a friend who spent several hours in knocking off the impromptu--
+
+  TO A SEASONABLE VIOLET.
+
+  Had always Hymen
+    Such mien, such carriage,
+  You ne'er would fly, men,
+    The state of marriage!
+
+[Illustration: A New Piece.]
+
+Mr. LAWRENCE CAUTLEY, as _Orlando_, had an uphill part. At times (thanks
+to the author) he appeared in situations that were absolutely
+ridiculous. For instance, he leaves an old retainer (capitally played by
+that soundest of sound actors, Mr. EVERILL) dying of starvation, and,
+sword in hand, appears at a pic-nic of the banished _Duke_, to demand
+refreshment. "I almost die for food, and let me have it," says
+_Orlando_, and is welcomed by the _Duke_ to his table. And what does
+_Orlando_ do? Does he seize the boar's head, or something equally
+attractive, and rush back to his fainting servitor with the prize? Not a
+bit of it! He leisurely delivers fourteen lines of blank verse about the
+"shade of melancholy boughs," "the creeping hours of time," and
+"blushing, hides his sword!" In my neighbourhood happened to be one of
+the greatest advocates of our generation, and I heard this legal
+luminary whisper, "while that fellow is talking, the old servant will
+die of starvation," and the legal luminary was entirely and absolutely
+right. _Adam would_ have died of starvation while his garrulous master
+was posturing. A country wench called _Audrey_ was admirably
+impersonated by Miss MARION LEA, and the remainder of the cast was, on
+the whole, satisfactory. Stay, it is only just that I should single out
+for special commendation Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER, who played a character,
+to whom reference was frequently made as "the melancholy _Jaques_,"
+faultlessly. Here again the author committed an indiscretion. _Jaques_
+(by the way, why was not Mr. SUGDEN'S _rôle_ described as, "the more
+melancholy _Touchstone_?") is permitted to stop the action of the piece
+to deliver some thirty lines commencing with the trite truism, "all the
+world's a stage." Mr. BOURCHIER spoke his words with excellent
+discretion, but I cannot help thinking that, in the cause of Art, the
+speech should have been cut out, and I have no doubt, that Mr.
+BOURCHIER, as a true artist, will cordially agree with me.
+
+And so, to quote Mrs. LANGTRY in the Epilogue, "farewell;" but in spite
+of what you have said to the contrary, I am still of opinion, my dear
+Editor, that _As You Like It_ must have been originally intended for Mr.
+and Mrs. GERMAN REED'S Entertainment, minus Mr. CORNEY GRAIN.
+
+  Sincerely Yours,
+    A CORRESPONDENT WITHOUT A MEMORY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART-AUCTIONEER'S RELIGION, "CHRISTIE-anity."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ASTRAL COMPLICATION.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+  In periods of sleep, despair,
+    Of aberration, we have guessed
+  We were not altogether there,
+    But seldom known where was the rest.
+
+  Our Astral Bodies wander far,
+    Whenever they will not be missed.
+  Strange things in earth and heaven are
+    For the devout theosophist.
+
+  Young  WILFRID wooed the wealth of  CLARE;
+    But ah, in spite of golden dearth,
+  His mind and heart approved more fair
+     KATE'S intellect and moral worth.
+
+  "Prudence my steps inspire!" he said;
+    And automatically to
+  The residence of  CLARE he sped,
+    And gained an instant's interview.
+
+  "Fairest," he cried, "my homage deep
+    Ah, not your rank, your wealth command!
+  These idle baubles, lady, keep.
+    Give me alone this lily hand!"
+
+  "I will," she said. (The dinner gong
+    That moment sounded.) "Haste away;
+  But meet me in the social throng
+    To-morrow--that is, Saturday."
+
+  That self-same hour--the clock struck eight--
+    In Holloway began to muse
+  The charming and the gifted  KATE
+    On logarithms most abstruse.
+
+  Her door stood wide! Who entered there?
+    'Twas WILFRID spoke in hollow tone.
+  "With me life's logarithms share,
+    KATE, that I cannot solve alone!"
+
+  "I will," she answered. "But begone!
+    Strange chaperons inspect, explore.
+  The Principal, the stairs is on!"
+    He sighed, and vanished from the door.
+
+  Next eve, amid the social throng,
+    Serene stood CLARE at WILFRID'S side;
+  And dreaming not that aught was wrong,
+    She gaily questioned and replied.
+
+  Till WILFRID suddenly was 'ware,
+    Close by, of a familiar face,
+  And realised with wild despair
+    All, all the horror of the case!
+
+  "Oh, what is wrong?" cried CLARE in awe.
+    Calmly, he answered. "It was He,
+  My Astral Body, that she saw.
+    Oh, which am I? Oh, woe is me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EAST-ERN ART IN BOND STREET.--"So let the world jog along as it will,
+I'll be Japanese-y still! Japanese-y, Japanese-y. I'll be Japanese-y
+still!" Can't help singing when we see Mr. EAST'S pictures of Japan at
+the Fine Art Society's Gallery. This clever artist sojourned in that
+country from March to September. He kept his eyes open and his hand ever
+busy, and has brought back more than a hundred pictures--fresh,
+brilliant, and original. Such marvellous aspects of scenery, such wealth
+of colour, such novelty do we behold, that we long to start off at once
+to Yokohama, to Nikkô, to Hakone, to Tôkiyo, or any one of these
+delightful places--singing. "Let's quit this cold climate so dull and
+Britannical, And revel in sunshine and colour Japanical!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBABLE PUBLICATION.--Companion work to _Sardine and the Sardes_, by
+the same author, to be entitled _Sardinia and the Sardines_, illustrated
+in oils, and sold in tincases. Great reduction (at lunch time) on taking
+a quantity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES AT LAMBETH. (_As seen by
+Mr. Punch's Artist in a Fog._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES.
+
+Lambeth is in darkness. A Policeman with a bull's-eye prevents my
+driver's energetic endeavours to drive through the Palace wall. I
+stumble into the large hall known as the Library. "Here," said I to
+myself, "is taking place the historic trial of the Bishop of LINCOLN."
+The weird scene strongly resembles the Dream Trial in _The Bells_, where
+the judges, counsel, and all concerned, are in a fog. Will the limelight
+flash suddenly upon the chief actor, the Bishop of LINCOLN, as he takes
+the stage and re-acts the part that has caused the trial? Archbishop
+BANCROFT founded this library, so theatrical associations are natural.
+The only lights in the long and lofty library (excepting the clerical
+and legal) are a dozen or two wax candles and a few oil-lamps, but of
+daylight, gaslight, or electric, nothing. I can hear the voice of JEUNE,
+Q.C., the JEUNE _premier_ of this ecclesiastical drama.
+
+They have commenced proceedings. In this, the Archbishop's Court, they,
+very properly, begin with prayer. So does the House of Commons. "Any
+special form of orison?" I ask in a whisper of the JEUNE _premier_, Q.C.
+"Yes," he answers in a subdued tone. "Look in your prayer-book for 'form
+of prayer to be used by those at sea.' That's it." Then he has to
+continue his argument.
+
+At the further end of the library we have the Church, represented by an
+Archbishop and five Bishops; also a Judge, in a full-bottomed wig, who
+has evidently got in by mistake. Then we have the Law, represented by a
+row of Q.C.'s, their juniors, and attendants; and then a chorus of
+ordinary people, and common, or Thames Policemen. But where's the Bishop
+of LINCOLN? Not among the Thames Policemen? Not in the Dock? Where? Aha!
+I see him. I focus him. I sketch him. _Veni, vidi, vici!_ I show result
+on paper to Official. "Oh, no," he says; "that's not the Bishop, that's
+THINGUMMY," a Clerk of the Court, or something. Hang THINGUMMY! Official
+disappears. Lights, ho! a link on Lincoln! I determine to find him. The
+Bishops sit round three tables, on a raised platform. The Archbishop of
+CANTERBURY sits in the centre; on his right is the mysterious Judge, in
+full wig, and red robes; this is the Vicar-General, Sir JAMES PARKER
+DEANE, Q.C.; next to him sits Assessor Dr. ATLAY, Bishop of HEREFORD,
+who looks anything but happy; his hair has the appearance of being
+impelled by a strong draught, and his hand is to his face, as if the
+draught had produced toothache. The portly Bishop of OXFORD is on his
+right, and like the other corner man, the Bishop of SALISBURY, he
+scribbles away at a great rate in a huge manuscript book, or roll of
+foolscap. On the left of the Archbishop sits the Bishop of LONDON, who
+severely questions the Counsel, and evidently relishes acting the
+school-master over again. The Bishop of ROCHESTER sitting on LONDON'S
+left, supplies the comedy element, so far as facial expression goes; his
+mouth is wide open, and he holds some papers in front of him in an
+attitude which suggests that he will presently break forth into song.
+But where, oh where, is the Bishop of LINCOLN? Ah, I see him. I sketch
+him. I write his name under sketch, and show it to one of the Reporters.
+He scribbles across it, "Wrong." I write, "Where is he?" He waves me
+away. I believe the Bishop is at the other side of the long table, by
+his Counsel. There is a candle in front of him. I make my way to the
+other side. I find the Bishop is an old lady! I write, "Where does the
+Bishop of LINCOLN sit?" on a piece of paper, and take it to an Official.
+He cannot see to read it, so some time is lost while he finds a
+convenient candle. He looks towards me, and points to a corner.
+
+Good! At last! There is an old gentleman, in plain clothes it is true,
+but still otherwise every inch a Bishop or a Butler, or perhaps both in
+one,--say Bishop BUTLER. I have just finished a careful study of him,
+when he turns round and whispers, "Please, Sir, can you tell me which is
+the Bishop of LINCOLN?" I shake my head angrily, and move away. I'll
+bide my time. JEUNE _premier_ is answering the hundred-and-seventh
+question of the Bishop of LONDON, and is being "supported" by Sir WALTER
+PHILLIMORE. It amuses me to hear these two clever Counsel, in this
+natural and ecclesiastical fog, carrying on an animated legal
+conversation with each other, ignoring the Bishops; not that the latter
+seem to mind, as they scribble merrily away at their folios. Are their
+Right Reverend Lordships engaged in writing their Sunday sermons?
+
+But where is _the_ Bishop? He ought to be near his Counsel. The severe
+Sir HORACE DAVEY sits writing letters; next to him the affable Dr.
+TRISTRAM, then the rubicund Mr. DANKWERTS, but no Bishop. One o'clock!
+The Bishops rise for Lunch and Levée. "Where, oh where! is the Bishop of
+LINCOLN?" I ask JEUNE _premier_. "Quick--I want to sketch him before he
+leaves!"
+
+"The Bishop!" returns the First Ecclesiastical Young Man, smiling. "Oh,
+he never comes near the place." _Exit_ JEUNE _premier_. I appeal to the
+austere Sir HORACE DAVEY. "I can't tell you," says sir HORACE--"DAVEY
+_sum, non OEdipus_." And off he goes, to argue another sort of a case
+about Baird language and the Pelican Club. He will say no more. On this
+occasion only, HORACE is TACITUS. I do not find the Bishop, and quit
+Lambeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIKELY--VERY!
+
+"CONFOUND THESE BLACKS! THEY FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE!" "YES, MY DEAR
+FELLOW; THEY TAKE YOU FOR A MISSIONARY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITTLE DUC AND HIS BIG BILL.
+
+The _restaurateur_ evidently considered that he "didn't kill a pig every
+day," when he stuck _Le Petit Duc_ for this now historic bill, which, as
+given in full by the _Figaro_, _Mr. Punch_ reproduces here for general
+edification:--
+
+    Un artichaut barigoule   12fr.
+    Un châteaubriand         16 "
+    1 sole                   10 "
+    1 noix de veau           10 "
+    1 homard                 25 "
+    1 salade                  3 "
+    1 caneton aux navets     25 "
+    6 écrevisses             15 "
+    Hors d'oeuvre             5 "
+    Une assiette de fruits   16 "
+
+Whenever it may be the lot of any distinguished Member of the Upper
+House to be sent to the Tower of London, or a Member of the Lower to be
+shut up in the Clock Tower, the Provisional Government for the time
+being will know what to charge for its provisions. The _restaurateur_
+addressed his little account, "_À Sa Magesté (sic) Louis
+Philippe-Robert_ ('ROBERT' was in it) _Duc d'Orléans_." In styling _Le
+Petit Duc_ "His Majesty" the artful _restaurateur_ evidently had in view
+a future _restauration_. The _restaurateur_, who expected to provide the
+young Duke of ORLEANS with a second dinner, of course quoted SHAKSPEARE,
+and exclaimed enthusiastically--
+
+    "I must go victual Orleans forthwith!"
+
+_Henry V., Part I., Act I., Sc. 5._
+
+But the youthful Duc or Duckling wasn't to be caught and stuffed a
+second time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SATURDAY SERIES.--"Hunters' Dams" was the heading of an article in
+last week's _Saturday Review_. As the counter-jumper politely says,
+"What will be the next article?" We look forward with interest to
+"Shooters' Swearings," "Anglers' Affirmations," "Coursers' Curses," and
+a few others that may suggest themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL SOCIETY OF PAINTER-ETCHERS.--At the pleasant Gallery, 5A, Pall
+Mall East, is a good show of needle-work. One of the most prolific
+contributors is a certain clever gentleman whose name may possibly be
+familiar to some of our readers, one REMBRANDT VAN RHYN, who sends no
+less than a hundred works.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. III.--THE YOUNG M.P.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+For the proper production of the young M.P. there are many receipts, but
+only one is genuine. Take a rickety boy, and provide him with a wealthy
+father, slightly flavoured with a good social position and political
+tastes. Send him to a public school, having first eliminated as much
+youthfulness as is compatible with continued existence. Add some
+flattering masters, and a distaste for games. Season with the idea that
+he is born for a great career. Let him be, if possible, verbose and
+argumentative, and inclined to contradict his elders. Eliminate more
+youth and transfer hot to a University. Add more verbosity, and a strong
+extract of priggishness. Throw in a degree, and two speeches at the
+Union. Set him to simmer for two years in a popular constituency, and
+serve him up, a chattering pedant of twenty-four, at Westminster.
+
+In the course of the contest which resulted in his return to the House
+of Commons, the young M.P. will have tasted the sweets of advertisement
+by seeing his name constantly placarded in huge letters on coloured
+posters. He will have been constantly referred to as "Our popular young
+Candidate," and he will thus have become convinced that the welfare of
+his country imperatively demands his immediate presence and permanent
+continuance in Parliament. When the genial butcher who, besides
+retailing the carcases of sheep and oxen, sits in the Town Council, and
+presides over one of the local political associations, declared, as he
+often has at other contests and of other candidates, that never, in the
+course of his political career, had he listened to more mature wisdom,
+adorned with nobler eloquence, than that which had fallen from "Our
+young and popular Candidate," he was merely satisfying a burning desire
+for rhetorical expansion, without any particular regard to accuracy of
+statement. But the candidate himself greedily gulps that lump of
+flattery, and all the praise which is the conventional sauce for every
+political gander. On this he grows fat, and being, in addition, puffed
+up by a very considerable conceit of his own, he eventually presents an
+aspect which is not pleasing, and assumes (towards those who are not
+voters in the Constituency) a manner which can scarcely be described as
+modest.
+
+The majority of his Constituents regard him simply as an automatic
+machine for the regular distribution of large subscriptions. He regards
+himself as a being of great importance and capacity, and endowed with
+the power of acting as he likes, whilst the local wirepullers look upon
+him as a convenient mask, behind which they may the more effectively
+carry on their own petty schemes of personal ambition.
+
+As a Candidate, moreover, the young M.P. will have discovered that the
+triumph of his party depends not merely or even chiefly upon the due
+exposition of those political principles with which he may have lately
+crammed himself by the aid of a stray volume of MILL, and a _Compendium
+of Political History_, but rather upon the careful observance of local
+custom and local etiquette, and the ceaseless effort to trump his
+adversary's every trick. He will thus have become the President of the
+local Glee Club, the Patron of a Scientific Association, and a local Dog
+Show, the Vice-President of four Cricket Clubs and of five Football
+Clubs, a Member of the Committee of the Hospital Ball, and of the
+Society for Improving the breed of Grey Parrots; to say nothing of the
+Guild for Promoting the happiness of Middle-aged Housemaids, and the
+local Association for the Distribution of Penny Buns, at cheap prices,
+to the deserving poor. Moreover, before he has discovered the true
+relation of benefit societies to politics, he will find himself a Member
+of the Odd Fellows, the Foresters, the Hearts of Oak, the Druids, and
+the Loyal and Ancient Order of Free and Accepted Buffaloes, with the
+right, conferred by the last-named Society, of being addressed on lodge
+nights as if he were a Baronet, or, at least, a Knight.
+
+Having thus met and shaken hands with the working-man during his hours
+of festive relaxation, the young M.P. will be properly qualified for
+discussing those social questions which form the chief part of every
+aspirant's political baggage. Being gifted with a happy power of
+enunciating pompous platitudes with an air of profound conviction, and
+of spreading butter churned from the speeches of his leaders on the
+bread of political economy, he will be highly thought of at meetings of
+political leagues of either sex, or of both combined. It is necessary
+that he should catch the eye of the Speaker during his first Session. He
+will afterwards talk to his Constituents of the forms of the House in
+the tone of one who is familiar with mysteries, and is accustomed to
+mingle on terms of equality with the great and famous. He will bring in
+a Bill which an M.P. who was once young, has abandoned, and, finding his
+measure blocked, will discourse with extreme bitterness of the
+obstruction by which the efforts of rising political genius are
+oppressed.
+
+In London Society the young M.P. may be recognised by an air of
+conscious importance as of one who carries the burden of the State upon
+his shoulders, and desires to impress the fact upon others. He may be
+flattered by being consulted as to the secret intentions of foreign
+Cabinets or the prospects of party divisions. He will then speak at
+length of his leaders as "we," and will probably announce, in a voice
+intended not so much for his immediate neighbours as for the thoughtless
+crowd beyond, that "we shall smash them in Committee," and that
+"AKERS-DOUGLAS" (or ARNOLD MORLEY, as the case may be) "has asked me to
+answer the fellows on the other side to-morrow. I am not sure I shall
+speak," the MS. of his speech being already complete. On the following
+day he will speak during the dinner-hour to an audience of four, and,
+having escaped being counted out, will be greatly admired by his
+Constituents. He will assiduously attend all social functions, and will
+not object to seeing his name in the paragraphs of Society papers. It is
+not absolutely necessary that the young M.P. should be bald, but it is
+essential that he should wear a frock-coat. It is well, also, that his
+dress should be neat, but not ostentatiously spruce, lest the more
+horny-handed of his supporters should take umbrage at an offensive
+assumption of superiority over those whose votes keep him in place.
+
+Custom demands that the young M.P. should travel extensively, and that
+he should enlighten his home-staying Constituents as to the designs of
+Barataria, the labour question in Lilliput, and the prospects of
+federation in Laputa, by means of letters addressed to the local
+newspaper. He will also interview foreign potentates and statesmen, and
+cause the fact to be published through the medium of REUTER. On his
+return, he will write a book, and deliver a lecture before the Mutual
+Improvement Society of the town he represents. He will then marry, in
+order that he may attend Mothers' meetings by deputy, and cause his wife
+to make lavish purchases at a local bazaar, which he will have opened.
+Shortly afterwards he will select an unpopular fad, which certain
+members of his own party approve, and will take a vigorous stand against
+it on principle, thus earning the commendation of all parties as a man
+of independent views, and unswerving rectitude.
+
+If, at a subsequent election, he should chance to be rejected at the
+poll, he will publicly profess that he is delighted to be relieved of an
+uncongenial burden, whilst assuring his friends in private that the
+country in which able and honest men are neglected must be in a very bad
+way. He will, however, publish an address to the electors, in which he
+will claim a moral victory, and will assure them that it will ever be
+one of his proudest memories to have been connected with their
+constituency. He will spend his period of retirement on the stump, and,
+unless he be speedily furnished with another Constituency, will
+entertain doubts as to the sanity of his party leaders. Subsequently he
+will find himself again in the House of Commons, and, having been spoken
+of as a young man for about a quarter of a century, will at last become
+an Under-Secretary of State, and a grandfather, in the same year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER SINGERS.--Sir,--In accordance with your request, I visited the
+Meistersingers' Club (an institution which, seemingly from its name, has
+been established as a memorial to WAGNER), where a "dramatic
+performance" was given last week that had many points of interest to the
+languid pleasure-seeker, wearily thirsting for fresh sources of
+amusement. The evening's entertainment commenced with a play obligingly
+described by the author as a farce, which was followed by a new and
+original operetta, containing some very pretty music by Mr. PERCY REEVE,
+with the exquisitely droll title of _The Crusader and the Craven_. The
+one lady and two gentlemen who took part in this were, from a prompter's
+point of view, nearly perfect. Mr. R. HENDON as _Sir Rupert de
+Malvoisie_ (the Crusader) suggested, by his accent and gestures, that he
+must have come from the East--how far East, it boots not to inquire.
+Miss FLORENCE DARLEY was a good _Lady Alice_, and Mr. J. A. SHALE an
+efficient "Craven." Later on an operatic performance is threatened. If
+the thrilling series of arrangements on the back of the Programme is to
+be accepted as authentic, the members of the Club will be invited to
+have _Patience_. It would be difficult to find a more appropriate
+accessory to a Night with the Meistersingers. No one asked me to have
+any supper, Yours, A HAND AT CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari,
+Volume 98, March 8, 1890., by Various
+
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30056 ***</div>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOLUME 98.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>MARCH 8, 1890.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL AND THE LYCEUM THEATRE.</h2>
+
+<center>APPEAL OF MR. HENRY IRVING. RESULT.</center>
+
+<center>(<i>A not impossible Extract from Next Year's Morning Papers.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/109.png">
+<img src="images/109.png" width="100%" alt="This is what the County Council&#39;s Licensing Bill" /></a>
+<p>"This is what the County Council's Licensing Bill for
+Places of Entertainment did <i>not</i> intend, as, according to the latest
+authoritative explanation, the L. C. C. does not consider Theatres as
+coming under the head of "places of entertainment". Rather hard on the
+Theatres!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Yesterday, before the Theatres Committee of the London County Council,
+the appeal of <span class="smcap">Mr. Henry Irving</span> (the well-known actor and manager) against
+the decision of the Sub-Committee to refuse a licence to the Lyceum
+Theatre, came on for hearing.</p>
+
+<p>After <span class="smcap">Mr. Henry Irving</span> (who appeared in person) had addressed the
+Committee at some length, dwelling upon the character of the pieces he
+had produced during his management, and the care and expense with which
+they had been mounted, several members of the Committee expressed a wish
+to put questions to him, which <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> promised to answer to the best
+of his ability.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Hecklebury</span>. I think you told us that <i>Hamlet</i> was one of your
+favourite parts? Is it not the fact that the chief character in the play
+drives his <i>fianc&eacute;e</i> to madness and suicide by his cruelty, slays her
+father and brother, together with his own step-father, and procures the
+death of two of his school-fellows?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> admitted that this was so. (<i>Sensation.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Hecklebury</span>. That is all I wanted to ask you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fussler</span>. I understand that you have produced a play called <i>Othello</i>
+on more than one occasion; perhaps you will inform us whether the
+following passages are in your opinion suitable for public declamation?
+(Mr. <span class="smcap">Fussler</span> <i>then proceeded to read several extracts to which he
+objected on account of their offensive signification</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> protested that <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>, and not himself, was responsible
+for such passages.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fussler</span>. Unfortunately, <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> is not before us&mdash;and you are. You
+admit that you have produced a play containing lines such as I have just
+read? That is enough for Us.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Medlam</span>. Unless I am mistaken, the hero in <i>Othello</i> is not only a
+murderer but a suicide?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span>. Undoubtedly. (<i>Sensation.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Medlam</span>. We have heard something of a piece called <i>The Bells</i>. I
+seldom attend theatres myself, except in the exercise of my public
+functions, but I do happen to have seen that particular play on one
+occasion. Does my memory mislead me in saying, that you committed a
+brutal and savage murder in the course of the drama?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> said that, as a matter of fact, the murder took place many
+years before the curtain rose&mdash;otherwise, the Member's memory was
+entirely accurate.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Medlam.</span> Whenever the murder was committed, it remains undetected,
+and the criminal escapes all penalty&mdash;is not that the case?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> urged that the Nemesis was worked out by the murderer's own
+conscience.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Medlam</span> said that was all nonsense; a person's conscience could not
+be made visible on the stage, and here a murderer was represented as
+dying several years after his crime, in his own bedroom, respected by
+all who knew him. Did <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> intend to tell them that such a
+spectacle was calculated to deter an intending murderer, or did he not?
+That was the plain question.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> thought that intending murderers formed so inappreciable an
+element in his usual audiences, that they might safely be left out of
+the calculation.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Medlam.</span> But you might have an intending murderer among your
+audience, I suppose?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving's</span> reply was not audible in the reporters' gallery.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Parseeker.</span> I should like to hear what you have to say about
+duelling, <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span>&mdash;I mean, is it, or is it not, a practice sanctioned
+by the laws of this country?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> said that he did not quite understand the drift of such a
+question; but, since they asked him, he should say that duelling was
+distinctly illegal.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Parseeker.</span> You will understand the drift of my question directly,
+<span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span>. I have made it my business to acquaint myself with your
+dramatic career, and I find that you have played as hero at various
+times in <i>Romeo and Juliet</i>, <i>Hamlet</i>, <i>The Corsican Brothers</i>, and <i>The
+Dead Heart</i>, besides <i>Macbeth</i>. Am I wrong in saying that in each of
+these pieces you fight a duel?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving.</span> No. I fight a duel in each of them, except <i>Macbeth</i>, in
+which there is no duel, only a hand-to-hand combat. I do commit a murder
+in <i>Macbeth</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Member.</span> <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving's</span> tastes seem rather to run in the direction of
+murders. (<i>Laughter.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>After the report of the Official Censor upon the general tone of the
+Lyceum plays during the last fifteen years had been read a second time
+and adopted, the Chairman, without more than a formal consultation with
+his colleagues, proceeded to announce the decision of the Committee. He
+said that they had not come to their present conclusion without long and
+anxious deliberation. They were now the constituted guardians of the
+public morals, and must fulfil their functions without fear or favour.
+(<i>Applause.</i>) They must look at the character of the performances at
+each theatre, considering only whether they were or were not beneficial
+to morality. In the past, under a <i>r&eacute;gime</i> happily now at an end, public
+opinion had been shamefully lax, and official control purely nominal;
+plays had been repeatedly performed, and even welcomed as classics,
+which he did not hesitate to say were full of incidents that were
+revolting to all well-regulated minds. <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>, who, with his
+undoubted talents, should have known better, was, so far from being an
+exception, one of the worst offenders. The Council must free themselves
+from the shackles of conventional tolerance. (<i>Applause.</i>) Evil was
+evil&mdash;murder was murder&mdash;coarseness was coarseness&mdash;whether treated by
+<span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> or anybody else. Nor could the Committee shut their eyes to
+the fact that Mr. <span class="smcap">Irving's</span> histrionic ability, and his popularity with
+those who attended his exhibitions could only intensify the injurious
+effect which such representations must have upon young and
+impressionable minds. In his opinion, much as he regretted having to say
+so, the Lyceum was nothing less than a School of Murder. It aggravated
+rather than extenuated the evil to be told, as they had been told, that
+all these deeds of violence had been represented on the stage with every
+aid which money, art and research could give. Again, was it desirable
+that the Democracy should derive their ideas of the family life of
+crowned heads from being admitted into the scandalous secrets of the
+household of <i>Hamlet</i>? Or did they wish to see an injured husband
+following the example of <i>Othello</i>? A thousand times no. These things
+must be stopped. The Council was very far from taking a Puritanical view
+of the question&mdash;(<i>applause</i>)&mdash;they fully recognised that the stage was
+a necessary social evil, and, as such, must be tolerated until the
+public taste was sufficiently purified to refuse it further countenance;
+but, in the meantime, the Council must insure that such exhibitions as
+they were prepared to sanction were of a kind consistent with the
+preservation of good manners, decorum, and of the public
+peace&mdash;(<i>applause</i>)&mdash;none of which conditions, in the unanimous opinion
+of the Committee, was fulfilled by the class of entertainment which the
+appellant <span class="smcap">Irving</span> had, by his own admission, persisted in providing. On
+those grounds alone the Committee dismissed the Appeal, and declared the
+Lyceum Theatre closed till further notice. He might say, however, that
+they might possibly be induced, after a certain interval, to reconsider
+the question, and allow the theatre to be reopened on <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving's</span>
+undertaking to produce dramas of an entirely unobjectionable character
+in future. (<span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> begged for some more definite leading as to the
+dramas alluded to.) The Chairman said that he had been informed that an
+illustrated periodical called <i>Punch</i> was publishing a series of Moral
+Dramas, in which the sentiments and incidents were alike irreproachable.
+Let <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> promise to confine himself to these, and the Council would
+see about it. (<span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> then withdrew, without, however, having given
+any definite undertaking, and the Committee adjourned.)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>
+
+<h4>"PUTTING HIS NOSE OUT OF JOINT."</h4>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/110.png">
+<img src="images/110.png" width="100%" alt="PUTTING HIS NOSE OUT OF JOINT." /></a>
+<p><i>Engineering (to Little Tour Eiffel).</i> "<span class="smcap">Where are You, Now, my Little
+Man?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Eiffel Tower is 1000 feet high; if the Forth Bridge were put up
+on end, it would be 5280 feet in height. The tower has in its
+construction 7500 tons of iron; the bridge has 53,000 tons of the
+best steel. The tower was made in about six months; the bridge has
+required seven years. The Eiffel Tower is a wonderful thing; but,
+then, how much more wonderful is the Forth Bridge!"&mdash;<i>Illustrated
+London News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>The Bridge.</i> You took lots of beating, my sky-scraping friend,</p>
+<p class="i4">But <span class="smcap">Benjamin Baker</span> has compassed <i>that</i> end;</p>
+<p class="i4">I am sure Monsieur <span class="smcap">Eiffel</span> himself would allow</p>
+<p class="i4">That the Bridge licks the Tower; so where are you <i>now</i>?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>The Tower.</i> <i>J'y suis et j'y reste</i>, my big friend and great rival,</p>
+<p class="i4">I hope for a long and a glorious survival;</p>
+<p class="i4">But don't mind admitting&mdash;all great souls are frank&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">That you&mdash;for the present at least&mdash;take first rank</p>
+<p class="i4">'Midst the mighty achievements adorning our sphere</p>
+<p class="i4">Of our latest of Titans, the Great Engineer.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>The Bridge.</i> All hail, Engineering! No wonder you're proud</p>
+<p class="i4">Of a work in whose honour all praises are loud;</p>
+<p class="i4">No wonder 'tis opened by princes and peers</p>
+<p class="i4">Amidst technical triumph and popular cheers;</p>
+<p class="i4">No wonder that <span class="smcap">Benjamin Baker</span> feels glad,</p>
+<p class="i4">Sir <span class="smcap">John Fowler</span> and <span class="smcap">Cooper</span> quite other than sad.</p>
+<p class="i4">'Twas a very big job, 'tis a very big day,</p>
+<p class="i4">And the whole country joins in the Scotchmen's Hooray!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>What train of thought was it that led the indefatigable <span class="smcap">Percy Fitzgerald</span>
+to write, <i>The Story of Bradshaw's Guide</i>, which appears in one of the
+most striking wrappers that can be seen on a railway book-stall? How
+pleasant if we could obtain a real outside coat-pocket railway guide
+just this size. It is a pity that the Indefatigable and Percy-vering One
+did not apply to <i>Mr. Punch</i> for permission to reprint the page of
+Bradshaw which appeared in <i>Mr. Punch's Bradshaw's Guide</i>, marvellously
+illustrated by <span class="smcap">Bennett</span>, many years ago. This <i>magnum opus in parvo</i> is
+really interesting and amusing, but if there is one thing more than
+another which he who runs and reads desiderates of an author writing of
+time-tables and guides, it is accuracy. Now, in one particular instance,
+our <span class="smcap">Percy</span> is inaccurate. He writes: "Close on fifty years have passed
+by, and the guide with every year has continued, like <i>Mr. Stiggins</i>, to
+be a 'swellin' wisibly.'" The Brave Baron challenges <span class="smcap">Percy</span> to mortal
+combat on this issue, defying him to prove that <i>Mr. Stiggins</i> was ever
+described within the limits of <i>Pickwick</i>, as "swellin' wisibly." Will
+the erudite biographer of <i>Bradshaw</i> be surprised to learn, that, in the
+first place, the description "swellin' wisibly" was never applied to
+<i>Mr. Stiggins</i> at all, but was used by <i>Mr. Weller</i> senior, as
+illustrating the condition of a "young 'ooman on the next form but two"
+from where he was sitting, who had "drank nine breakfast cups and a
+half, and," he goes on to whisper to <i>Sam</i>, "<i>She's a swellin' wisibly
+before my wery eyes.</i>" In the second place, the expression was employed
+at a time when <i>Mr. Stiggins</i> was not present, but, in his official
+character, as "a deligate from the Dorking branch of our society,
+Brother <i>Stiggins</i>" was in attendance downstairs. With these two
+exceptions, one mistake of omission, and one of commission, the Baron
+confers his <i>imprimatur</i> on the <i>Story of Bradshaw's Guide</i>, and
+recommends it to the public.</p>
+
+<p>For a first-rate, short, well-constructed, and sensationally interesting
+story, let me recommend my readers to <i>The Peril of Richard Pardon</i>.
+Only one possible objection do I see to it, and that is a matter of my
+own private opinion, which is, that <i>Richard Pardon</i> is the most
+irritating idiot ever created by an author. For the sake of the story,
+it was necessary that he should be weak; but he is such a very
+backboneless man, and yet quite strong enough to support the fabric of
+the plot. Then one is cleverly put off the scent by a certain <i>Richard
+Mortlock</i>, from whom the reader expects much more than ever comes out.
+The sequel of this capital novelette must be <i>Richard Mortlock</i>. I have
+quite forgotten to say that <i>The Peril of Richard Pardon</i> is by Mr. <span class="smcap">B.
+L. Farjeon</span>, whom I have to thank for making time pass too rapidly on
+many a previous occasion. The Hour Before Dinner Series&mdash;not that this
+is the genuine title, but it might be, and is a suggestion&mdash;is a real
+"boon and a blessing" to those who, like <i>Podgers</i>, in <span class="smcap">John
+Hollingshead's</span> immortal farce, "only have a 'our," not for "their
+dinner," but for their novel-reading throughout the day. <span class="smcap">Farjeon</span> <i>soit
+b&eacute;ni!</i> (Signed) <i>The Baron de Book-Worms.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AN EVENTFUL WEEK.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>From a Prophetic Journal of Events, looming possibly somewhere
+a-head.</i>)</center>
+
+<p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;London, having now been without coal for sixteen weeks, and
+people having kept their kitchen-fires alight by burning their banisters
+and bedroom furniture, several noted West-end houses undertake to
+deliver the arms and legs of drawing-room chairs ("best screened"), at
+&pound;26 5s. a ton for cash.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;All the petroleum in the country having now been exhausted
+for heating purposes, and Piccadilly being, in consequence, illuminated
+by a night-light in one lamp-post in every three, a "Discontented
+Ratepayer" commences a correspondence in the <i>Times</i>, commenting on the
+matter in a severe temper.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Several Colliery Owners, in despair, descend into their
+own mines for the purpose of trying to raise some coal themselves, but
+their <i>employ&eacute;s</i>, declining to assist in hauling them up again, they are
+left to their fate, and nothing more is heard of them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;A Syndicate of Noblemen determine to try for coal on the
+spot, by sinking a mine in the middle of Belgrave Square, when, on
+arriving at a depth of 2500 feet, they come across an active volcano,
+which proves such a nuisance to the neighbourhood, that the Vestry is
+applied to by several parishioners to put a stop to it. On their sending
+the Sanitary Inspector to investigate the matter, he orders the mine to
+be closed. On this being done, the scheme collapses, several of the
+Syndicate, as a consequence, in despair emigrating to Tierra del Fuego.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;A set of studs and a drawing-room tiara of "Best Wallsend,"
+are shown in a window of a jeweller's in Bond Street, and attract such
+crowds that the Police have to be called in to prevent a block in the
+traffic, and keep the pavement clear for foot passengers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Saturday.</i>&mdash;Furious street riots commenced by a noble Duke in Grosvenor
+Place pulling up the wood pavement in front of his house, and having it
+carted rapidly into his coal-cellars. The move becoming popular, spreads
+in all directions, with the result of leading to serious collisions with
+the local Vestry Authorities, who call in the aid of the Police.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sunday.</i>&mdash;The Archbishop of <span class="smcap">Canterbury</span> preaches to an enormous
+congregation in Westminster Abbey, on the "Plague of Darkness" in Egypt
+by the light of a one-farthing candle. This being, by some misadventure,
+inadvertently knocked over, the assembled multitude are enabled to
+realise, to some extent, the gloomy horrors of the situation as
+described by the reverend preacher, and, stumbling over each other,
+retire to unlighted streets and fireless hearths, to face another week
+of the consequences of the "Trade Problem," with the solution of which
+they have been brought face to face.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GRAND OLD BILLEE.<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a></h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"It is stated that the captaincy of Deal Castle ... is to be offered
+to Mr. <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>, the captaincy being in the gift of the Lord Warden
+of the Cinque Ports."&mdash;<i>Daily News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/111.png">
+<img src="images/111.png" width="100%" alt="GRAND OLD BILLEE" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">There were three sailors of London city</p>
+<p class="i2">Who found their (Party) ship at sea,</p>
+<p class="i0">Although with programmes, authorised and unauthorised,</p>
+<p class="i2">Most carefully they had loaded she.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">There was greedy <span class="smcap">Joe</span> and glosing <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the third was named Grand Old <span class="smcap">Billee</span>;</p>
+<p class="i0">And they were reduced to the piteous prospect</p>
+<p class="i2">Of grubbing on one split (Party) pea.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Says greedy <span class="smcap">Joe</span> to glosing <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">"For captaincy I am hungaree."</p>
+<p class="i0">To greedy <span class="smcap">Joe</span> says glosing <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Then you and I must get rid of <i>he</i>."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Says greedy <span class="smcap">Joe</span> to glosing <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">"With one another <i>we</i> should agree.</p>
+<p class="i0">With me as Captain, and you as First Mate,</p>
+<p class="i2">If it wasn't for Grand Old <span class="smcap">Billee</span>."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Oh, <span class="smcap">Billee</span>, we're going to chuck you over,</p>
+<p class="i2">So prepare for a bath in the Irish Sea."</p>
+<p class="i0">When <span class="smcap">Bill</span> received this information,</p>
+<p class="i2">His dexter optic winked he.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"First let me take an observation</p>
+<p class="i2">From the main-top over the Irish Sea!"</p>
+<p class="i0">"Make haste, make haste," says glosing <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whilst <span class="smcap">Joe</span> he fumbled his snickersnee.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So <span class="smcap">Billy</span> went up to the main-top-gallant mast,</p>
+<p class="i2">And began to count o'er the Irish Sea;</p>
+<p class="i0">And he scarce had come to eighty-six, or so,</p>
+<p class="i2">When up he jumps. "Land Ho!" shouts he.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"I can see Ould Ireland! There's the Bay of Dublin;</p>
+<p class="i2">With a distant glimpse of Amerikee.</p>
+<p class="i0">And the Parliament upon College Green, bhoys,</p>
+<p class="i2">With a right good glass I can (almost) see."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So they went ashore, and the crew when mustered</p>
+<p class="i2">Kicked Guzzling <span class="smcap">Joe</span>, and cashiered <span class="smcap">Jimmee</span>.</p>
+<p class="i0">But as for Grand Old <span class="smcap">Billee</span>, they gave him</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the old "Deal Castle" the captaincy!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> As various versions of the popular song of <i>"Little
+Billee</i>" have been set to music and sung, no apology is needed for the
+insertion in these pages of the version most up to date.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<center>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</center>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 24.</i>&mdash;"Look here, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, M.P.," said
+<span class="smcap">Arthur Balfour</span>, almost fiercely; "if you suppose that I enjoy this sort
+of thing, you're quite mistaken." Hadn't supposed any such thing;
+hadn't, indeed, referred to the matter. Only looked at him inquiringly,
+as <span class="smcap">Attorney-General</span> for <span class="smcap">Ireland</span>, trudging stolidly through the mire,
+attempted to answer <span class="smcap">Charles Russell</span>. "If I <i>am</i> Irish Secretary, as
+<span class="smcap">Trevelyan</span> once said, I'm an English gentleman, and if you suppose I have
+any sympathy with the sort of thing that goes on at Clongorey, you're
+mistaken. But I am answerable for law and order, and law and order I
+maintain."</p>
+
+<p>Thus <span class="smcap">Arthur</span>, quite querulous. Have noticed sometimes, when a man
+hopelessly in the wrong, he is inclined to turn on his best friend and
+rend him. This Clongorey business, truly, a bad one. When, just now,
+<span class="smcap">Sexton</span> moved adjournment of House, in order to call attention to it,
+Conservatives rose with one accord and went forth. They know <span class="smcap">Windbag
+Sexton</span> of old, and thought he was probably going to favour them with one
+of his usual exercises. Better this once have stopped and listened.
+Interesting to see how two hundred English gentlemen would have voted
+had they learned all about Clongorey. Happily less, far less, than usual
+of the windbag about <span class="smcap">Sexton</span>. His story, in truth, needed no assistance
+from wind instrument. Farms at Clongorey simply strips of reclaimed bog
+land, on which struggling tenants had built miserable shanties; got
+along in good times; just managed to keep body and soul together, and
+pay the rent&mdash;rent on land they had literally created, and for huts they
+had actually built. Two years ago came a flood; swamped them. Asked
+landlord to make temporary reduction on rent, to tide over troublesome
+times. Landlord offered a pitiful trifle. What was thought of this shown
+by County Court Judge, who, on cases that came before him, permanently
+reduced rent by thrice amount of temporary reduction proffered. Judge
+further suggested that arrears should be wiped out. Landlord declined to
+listen to suggestion. Tenants drowned out by the cruel river, dragged
+out by the relentless landlord. Stood by whilst the emergency men
+wrenched roofs off their huts, and set fire to the ruins. A neighbour
+offered them shelter, enlarging out-buildings on her farm. Down came the
+police on workmen engaged in this act of charity. A hundred police, paid
+for by tax-payer, swooped down with fixed bayonets on Clongorey,
+arrested labourers, handcuffed them, marched them off to police
+barracks.</p>
+
+<p>This is the simple Story of Clongorey, reduced to facts not denied by
+<span class="smcap">Balfour</span> or <span class="smcap">Attorney-General</span>, divested of all incidental matters alleged,
+such as the parading of the handcuffed prisoners through the crowded
+streets of the town, the police making raids among the crowd, naturally
+gathered to see the sight. "One man had his eyeball burst, another his
+skull broken." <span class="smcap">Charles Russell</span>, not given to exaggerated views, somewhat
+reputable as a legal authority, with law-books in hand stated his
+opinion that, apart from incidents of the foray, magistrates and police
+were acting illegally.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said <span class="smcap">Long Lawrance</span>, turning his back on House of Commons, "I'm
+glad they've made me a Judge. Have ever been what is called a good
+Party-man; believe in <span class="smcap">Balfour</span>; always ready to back him up with my vote;
+but, dash my wig (now that I'm going to wear a full-bottomed one) if I
+like voting to render possible the repetition of a business like this at
+Clongorey. Must begin to cultivate a judicial frame of mind; so I'll go
+for a walk on the terrace." <span class="smcap">Lawrance's</span> view evidently taken in other
+quarters of Conservative camp, for, after diligent whipping up,
+Ministerial majority reduced to 42. <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Address agreed to.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Midst a mass of Notices of Motion, a sea of troublous words,
+<span class="smcap">George Trevelyan</span> drops in a score which shines forth with light of common
+sense. "Why," he asks, "does not Parliament rise at beginning of July,
+sitting through winter months for whatsoever longer period may be
+necessary for the due transaction of public business?"</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/112a.png">
+<img src="images/112a.png" width="100%" alt="Spurgeon&#39;s Pulpit" /></a>
+<h4>"Spurgeon's Pulpit, Ha, ha!"</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Why not? On Friday, the 14th March, <span class="smcap">Trevelyan</span> will put the question in
+formal way before House, so that they may vote on it. Conservative
+majority may well be expected to support it. No new thing; simply
+revival of older fashion. Our great grandfathers knew better than to
+swelter in London through July, pass the Twelfth of August at
+Westminster, and go off forlorn and jaded in the early days of
+September. Hunting men may have objections to raise; but then hunting
+men, though eminently respectable class, are not everybody, not even a
+majority; may even be spared to go hunting as usual. <span class="smcap">Walpole</span> hunted like
+anything, yet in <span class="smcap">Walpole's</span> day Parliament oftener met in November than
+at any other time of year, and with due provision for Christmas
+holidays, sat into early summer. The thing can be done, and ought to be
+done&mdash;will be done if <span class="smcap">Trevelyan</span> sticks to it. Not nearly such a
+revolution in Procedure as that which, only a couple of years ago,
+established the automatic close of Debate at midnight. Who is there
+would like to go back to the old order of things in this respect?</p>
+
+<p>Got into Committee of Supply to-night on Vote for Houses of Parliament.
+<span class="smcap">Tony Lumpkin</span> turned up again. Last Session, in moment of inspiration,
+<span class="smcap">Tony</span> spluttered forth a joke; likened new staircase in Westminster Hall
+to <span class="smcap">Spurgeon's</span> Pulpit. It is just as like the River Thames or Finsbury
+Park; but that's where the fun lies. Incongruity is the soul of wit.
+Everybody laughed last Session when <span class="smcap">Tony</span>, with much gurgling, produced
+this bantling; brings it out again to-night.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't have too much of a good thing, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>," he says, wrestling with his
+exuberant shirt-front, and rubbing his hair the wrong way. "Always had
+my joke, you know, down in the country. Remember the little affair of
+the circuitous drive? This is what you may call my urban class of
+humour. <span class="smcap">Spurgeon's</span> Pulpit, Ha, ha!"&mdash;and <span class="smcap">Tony</span> walked off delighted with
+himself.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Supplementary Estimates.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Pity that prejudice should be allowed to stand in way of
+doing the best thing. Talk just now of pending vacancies on the Bench;
+such talk recurrent; sometimes more talk than vacancy. "But I pass from
+that," as <span class="smcap">Arthur Balfour</span> says, when gliding over knotty points of
+question put from Irish Benches. If not vacancy to-morrow, sure to be
+within week, or month, or year. Why not make <span class="smcap">Jemmy Lowther</span> a Judge? It
+is true he has no practice at the Bar; but he was "called," and, I
+believe, went. That is a detail; what we desire in our Judges are, a
+certain impressive air, a striking presence, and an art of rotund
+speech. <span class="smcap">James</span> has played many parts in his time&mdash;Parliamentary Secretary
+to the Poor-Law Board, Under-Secretary for the Colonies, Chief Secretary
+for Ireland, and Steward of the Jockey Club. In this last capacity he, a
+year ago, temporarily assumed judicial functions. How well he bore
+himself! with what dignity! with what awful suavity! with what
+irreproachable integrity!</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/112b.png">
+<img src="images/112b.png" width="100%" alt="Earl and Umbrella" /></a>
+<h4>Earl and Umbrella.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>That this manner is ingrained, is testified to on the occasions, too
+infrequent, when <span class="smcap">Jemmy</span> rises in House. To-night <span class="smcap">Buchanan</span> asked <span class="smcap">Home
+Secretary</span> a question, involving disrespect of rabbit-coursing. <span class="smcap">James</span>,
+the great patron of British sport in all developments, slowly rose, and
+impressively interposed. Was his Right Hon. friend, the <span class="smcap">Home Secretary</span>,
+aware that rabbit-coursing, conducted under recognised and established
+regulations, affords pastime to large masses of the industrious
+population who are unable, from their pecuniary circumstances, to
+indulge in the more expensive forms of sport? Those were <span class="smcap">Jemmy's</span> words,
+each syllable deliberately enunciated. What a study for the aspirant to
+Parliamentary style!</p>
+
+<p>Kindly Earl of <span class="smcap">Ravensworth</span>, who still haunts the Chamber in which Lord
+<span class="smcap">Eslington</span> once had a place, chanced to hear this question. Delighted
+with it. Wished he could introduce something of that sort in House of
+Lords. Went about Lobby with his faithful umbrella (companion of his
+daily life, wet or shine) murmuring the musical phrases. "Recognised and
+established regulations," "afford pastime to large masses of industrious
+population," "unable from pecuniary circumstances," "the more expensive
+forms of sport." That all very well, but not quite all. Easy enough to
+catch the trick of speech; who but <span class="smcap">Jemmy Lowther</span> can add the indefinable
+personal gifts which invest even the commonplace with impressiveness?</p>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Lots. Ministers bring in Bills by the half-dozen.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/113a.png">
+<img src="images/113a.png" width="100%" alt="Grand Historical Picture" /></a>
+<p>Grand Historical Picture. Mr. Labouchere struggling with
+his Conscience.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Such <i>alouettes</i>! <span class="smcap">Sage of Queen Anne's Gate</span>, who can't abear
+scandals, brought on alleged iniquity of Government in connection with
+Cleveland Street affair. Got off his speech; <span class="smcap">Attorney-General</span> replied;
+then <span class="smcap">Sage</span> proposed to offer few supplementary remarks. In course of
+these appeared frank declaration of his private opinion that everything
+the <span class="smcap">Markiss</span> says must be taken <i>cum grano Salis</i>-<span class="smcap">BURY</span>; only the way he
+put it was much worse than that. <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> asked him to withdraw.
+"Shan't!" said the <span class="smcap">Sage</span>. Then <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> named him (calling him, by the
+way, "Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Labouchere</span>.") <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>, rising to height of duty and
+occasion, moved that <span class="smcap">Sage</span> be suspended.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, hang it!" cried Opposition&mdash;"can't agree to that."</p>
+
+<p>Divided on proposal; beaten, and <span class="smcap">Sage</span> hung up for a week. "He'll be
+pretty well dried by that time," grimly muttered the <span class="smcap">Attorney-General</span>,
+whom the <span class="smcap">Sage</span> had stroked the wrong way.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Vote on Account agreed to.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"A DOSE OF GREGORY."</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/113b.png">
+<img src="images/113b.png" width="100%" alt="The Ruffled Hare" /></a>
+<p>The Ruffled Hare. "This is your umbrella!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>It is some time since I have tasted a dramatic mixture so much to my
+liking as Mr. <span class="smcap">Grundy's</span> Gregory's Mixture, known to the public, and
+likely to be highly popular with the public too, as <i>A Pair of
+Spectacles</i>. Art more refined than Mr. <span class="smcap">Hare's</span>, as <i>Benjamin Goldfinch</i>
+in this piece, has not been seen on the stage for many a long day; nor,
+except in <i>A Quiet Rubber</i>, do I remember Mr. <span class="smcap">Hare</span> having had anything
+like this particular chance of displaying his rare skill as a genuine
+comedian of the very first rank.</p>
+
+<p>Everyone remembers, or ought to remember, <span class="smcap">Dickens's</span> "<i>Brothers
+Cheeryble</i>." Well, <i>Benjamin Goldfinch</i> has all the milk of human
+kindness which characterised these philanthropic Gemini. As to moral
+characteristics, he is these two single gentlemen rolled into one, while
+physically, his exterior rather conjures up the picture of <i>Harold
+Skimpole</i>, though his eyes beam with the youthful impetuosity of old
+<i>Martin Chuzzlewit</i> when he caned <i>Pecksniff</i>. To this delightfully
+guileless good Samaritan, the rough, nay brutal, <i>Uncle Gregory</i> from
+Sheffield, with a heart apparently as hard as his own ware, is a
+contrast most skilfully brought out by Mr. <span class="smcap">Charles Grove</span>. Though the
+part of <i>Uncle Gregory</i> does not require the delicate treatment demanded
+by that of <i>Goldfinch</i>, yet it might very easily be overdone; but never
+once does Mr. <span class="smcap">Grove</span> overshoot the mark, although the author has
+imperilled its success by too frequent repetition of a catch-phrase, "I
+know that man," "I know that father," "I know that friend," and so
+forth, which is sometimes on the verge of becoming wearisome. Indeed,
+even now, I should be inclined to cut out at least half a dozen of these
+variations of the original phrase. His short but sufficient
+representation of the effects of too much lunch on <i>Uncle Gregory</i> is
+masterly. So realistic, in the best sense of the word, is the
+impersonation of these two characters, that one is inclined to resent
+the brutality of <i>Uncle Gregory</i>, when one sees the change suddenly
+effected in the sweet and sympathetic nature of <i>Benjamin Goldfinch</i>,
+and when we see him suspicious of everybody, and even of his young wife,
+whom he loves so dearly, we murmur, "Oh, what a noble mind is here
+o'erthrown!" And, indeed, but that it is impossible to help laughing
+from first to last, the final scenes of this charming piece, replete
+with touches of real human nature, would send an audience away crying
+with joy, to think of the possible goodness existent in the world, of
+which one occasionally hears, but so seldom sees, except on the stage.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/113c.png">
+<img src="images/113c.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Grove as Gregory the Grater" /></a>
+<p>Mr. Grove as Gregory the Grater.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Not a part in this piece is even indifferently played. The two young
+men, Mr. <span class="smcap">Rudge Harding</span>, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Sydney Brough</span>, both very good, the
+latter having better dramatic opportunities, and making the most of
+them. Mr. <span class="smcap">Dodsworth</span> just the very man for <i>Friend Lorimer</i>; Mr. <span class="smcap">Cathcart</span>
+is <i>Joyce</i>, the Butler; and of the two Shoemakers, respectively played
+by Mr. <span class="smcap">Knight</span> and Mr. <span class="smcap">Byron</span>, I can only say, "I know those shoemakers."</p>
+
+<p>As for the Ladies, Miss <span class="smcap">Kate Rorke</span> looks very pretty, and acts
+charmingly as young <i>Mrs. Goldfinch</i>; Miss <span class="smcap">Horlock</span> is very nice as <i>Lucy
+Lorimer</i>, delivering herself of a little bit of picturesque sentiment
+about feeding the birds (<i>Les Petits Oiseaux</i> is the title of the old
+French piece, if I remember rightly) in a rather too forcedly ingenuous
+manner, but behaving most naturally in the interrupted courtship scene,
+and being generally very sympathetic. I mustn't omit Miss <span class="smcap">Hunter</span>, pink
+of parlour-maids, not the conventional flirty soubrette nor the
+low-comedy waiting-woman, but a self-respecting, responsible young
+person, conscious of her own and her young man's moral rectitude, and
+satisfied with quarter-day and the Post-Office Savings Bank.</p>
+
+<p>Only one single fault have I to find with the piece, and as it cannot be
+entirely remedied, though it might be modified, I will mention it. The
+title is a mistake; that can't be altered now: but the attempt at
+illustrating the double-meaning conveyed in the title by the practical
+"business" of changing the material glasses and thus hampering the actor
+by the necessity of altering his expression and his manner in accordance
+with his deposition or his resumption of these spectacles, seems to me
+to be childish to a degree, and tends towards turning this simple tale
+into a kind of fairy story, in which the spectacles play the part of a
+magic potion or charm, such as Mr. <span class="smcap">W. S. Gilbert</span> would use in his
+<i>Creatures of Impulse</i>, his <i>Fogarty's Fairy</i>, and his <i>Sorcerer</i>,
+whenever he wishes to bring about a sudden and otherwise inexplicable
+transition from one mental attitude to another, and entirely opposite.
+But for the earnestness of the actors, this <i>reductio ad Fairydum</i> would
+have imparted an air of unreality to the characters and incidents which
+does not belong to them. The plot is a model of neat construction; and,
+to everyone at all in doubt as to where to pass an agreeable evening, I
+say, "Go to the Garrick Theatre." By the way, a Correspondent suggests
+that <i>A Pair of Spectacles</i> is an illustration of "The Hares
+Preservation Bill,"</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Jack in a Box</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Disclaimer.</span>&mdash;The Right Hon. Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Chaplin</span>, M.P., Anti-muzzle-man
+and Minister of Agriculture, wishes to deny explicitly that, when, by a
+<i>lapsus calami</i>, he was made to describe Mr. <span class="smcap">Tay Pay O'Connor</span> as
+"peeping from behind the Speaker's chair," he ever intended to fix upon
+that honourable gentleman the <i>sobriquet</i> of "Peeping Tom"; nor had he
+any idea of sending him to Coventry. What he <i>did</i> say was&mdash;&mdash; but it
+doesn't much matter what "he <i>did</i> say," what he <i>didn't</i> say is so much
+more to the point.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Stanley and African Exhibition.</span>&mdash;One of the largest contributors
+will be Mr. <span class="smcap">Bonny</span>. This sounds well; at all events, it's <span class="smcap">Bonny</span>. The
+French, who are now welcoming their own private African hero, <i>le
+Capitaine</i> <span class="smcap">Trivier</span>, back to his native land, may be induced to place
+their trophies under Mr. <span class="smcap">Bonny's</span> care, as, if Imperialists, they can
+then say they have a <span class="smcap">Bonny</span>-part in this Exhibition.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">From an Indignant Correspondent.</span>&mdash;"Sir,&mdash;I sent you a joke three months
+ago, which you have not used. Since then I have made arrangements for
+the joke to appear elsewhere." [What a chance we have lost!&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed.</span>]</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/114.png">
+<img src="images/114.png" width="100%" alt="INFELICITOUS QUERIES." /></a>
+<h4>INFELICITOUS QUERIES.</h4>
+<p><i>He.</i> "<span class="smcap">By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion
+when I made such an awful Ass of myself?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="smcap"><i>Which?</i></span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"THE BIG GUN!"</h2>
+
+<center><i>Grand Old Gunner loquitur:&mdash;</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">'Tis a regular "Mons Meg" of a cannon!</p>
+<p class="i2">The swabs, they have been every one,</p>
+<p class="i0">Very hard the Grand Old (Gunner) Man on,</p>
+<p class="i2">But what will they think of <i>this</i> gun?</p>
+<p class="i0">Double shotted, and charged to the muzzle,</p>
+<p class="i2">And trained by my hands and my eye,</p>
+<p class="i0">The foes I conceive it will puzzle,</p>
+<p class="i10">And tempt them to fly.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Mere skirmishing, up to the present,</p>
+<p class="i2">With pop-guns, and flint-locks, and such;</p>
+<p class="i0">But now! They will not find it pleasant,</p>
+<p class="i2">When once this huge touch-hole I touch.</p>
+<p class="i0">Mighty <span class="smcap">C&aelig;sar</span>! I guess they won't like it;</p>
+<p class="i2">Great <span class="smcap">Scott</span>! won't it just raise a din?</p>
+<p class="i0">And don't they just wish they could spike it</p>
+<p class="i10">Before we begin?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The fun of it is, they have furnished</p>
+<p class="i2">The filling themselves, unaware.</p>
+<p class="i0">The shot they've cast, polished, and burnished,</p>
+<p class="i2">The powder were prompt to prepare.</p>
+<p class="i0">It's pitiful, quite, their position,</p>
+<p class="i2">To see, the unfortunate elves!</p>
+<p class="i0">Their carefully-stored ammunition</p>
+<p class="i10">Thus turned on themselves.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Their batteries big it should batter,</p>
+<p class="i2">Their trenches should burst and blow up,</p>
+<p class="i0">Their forces allied it should scatter,</p>
+<p class="i2">It's worse than an Armstrong or Krupp.</p>
+<p class="i0">Chain-shot for swift slaughter's not in it,</p>
+<p class="i2">For spreading it's better than grape,</p>
+<p class="i0">They'll all be smashed up in a minute,</p>
+<p class="i10">Scarce one can escape.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Now, <span class="smcap">Morley</span>, my boy, and brave <span class="smcap">Parnell</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>I'll</i> lay it; just follow my hand.</p>
+<p class="i0">That plain will soon look like a charnel,</p>
+<p class="i2">With all that remains of their band;</p>
+<p class="i0">The "fragments of him called <span class="smcap">McCarty</span>"</p>
+<p class="i2">(Referred to, I think, in the song)</p>
+<p class="i0">Were huge chunks to the scraps that their Party</p>
+<p class="i10">Will show before long.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They shall see what I can do, when ready,</p>
+<p class="i2">As Grand Old (Artillery) Man.</p>
+<p class="i0">Right, <span class="smcap">Parnell</span>! left, <span class="smcap">Morley</span>! Now, steady!!!</p>
+<p class="i2">Stop! Just one last peep, whilst I can!</p>
+<p class="i0">I <i>do</i> hope, dear boys, there's no blunder;</p>
+<p class="i2">I <i>think</i> it is loaded all right.</p>
+<p class="i0">Are they horribly frightened, I wonder?</p>
+<p class="i10">Well, now for a sight!!!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/115.png">
+<img src="images/115.png" width="100%" alt="THE BIG GUN" /></a>
+<h4>"THE BIG GUN!"</h4>
+<p><span class="smcap">Grand Old Gunner</span> (<i>inspecting Cannon</i>). "<span class="smcap">IT'S BEAUTIFULLY LOADED! WHY,
+THE MERE LOOK OF IT IS ENOUGH TO SHAKE SM-TH'S 'RESOLUTION.</span>'"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OLD FRIENDS AND COUNSEL.</h2>
+
+<p>Our old friend <span class="smcap">Maddison Morton's</span> <i>Box and Cox</i> runs <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> works
+generally very near in the matter of daily application. But fancy its
+being quoted as an authority by Sir <span class="smcap">Horace Davey</span>, in his masterly reply
+to t'other side in the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln's</span> case. Yet so it was. "Bishop
+<span class="smcap">Cosin</span>," said Sir <span class="smcap">Horace</span>, "had erroneously assumed that a letter had been
+written by <span class="smcap">Calvin</span> to <span class="smcap">Knox</span>, whereas it had been really written to an
+Englishman named Cox." So it was a mistake of the postman, after all,
+and it only wants the introduction of the name of Box to make the whole
+thing perfect and satisfactory. "It will be within the recollection of
+the Court," Sir <span class="smcap">Horace</span> might have continued, "that Cox was prevented
+from becoming the husband of <span class="smcap">Penelope Anne</span>, relict of <span class="smcap">William Wiggins</span>,
+Proprietor of Bathing Machines at Margate and Ramsgate, by the sudden
+and totally unforeseen union of the lady in question with one <span class="smcap">Knox</span>,
+whose residence, as the Musical Revised Version has it, was usually 'in
+the Docks'; and with this marriage of <span class="smcap">Penelope Anne Wiggins</span> with Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Knox</span> of the Docks, Messrs. <span class="smcap">Box and Cox</span> professed themselves entirely and
+completely satisfied, as it is my earnest hope that Your Grace, and My
+Lords the Bishops, will also be. And should this be the result, then I
+assure Your Grace that there will not be a happier party sit down this
+night to supper than '<span class="smcap">Read</span> and others,' of which fact you may take your
+Davey."</p>
+
+<p>On the Learned Counsel resuming his seat, there would have been
+considerable applause, which, of course, would have been instantly
+suppressed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Notes "in Globo."</span>&mdash;<i>Dorothy</i> was long ago taken off the stage of the
+Prince of Wales's to make room for <i>Paul Jones</i>. But another <span class="smcap">Dorothy</span> has
+recently reappeared at the Globe Theatre in the pretty Shakspearian
+fairy-play entitled, <i>A Midsummer Night's Dream</i>, wherein <span class="smcap">Dorothy Dene</span>
+enacts the part of <i>Hippolyta</i>. By the way, the lady who used to speak
+of that immortal work, <i>Dixon's Johnsonary</i>, the other day referred to
+<span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> as being "contemporaneous with that great wit&mdash;dear me&mdash;what
+was his name?&mdash;who wrote <i>Every Man in his own Humour</i>&mdash;oh, I
+remember&mdash;<span class="smcap">John Benson</span>." Eminently satisfactory.</p>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MY TAILOR.</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/117a.png">
+<img src="images/117a.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The St. Petersburgh tailors have hit upon an effectual device for
+obtaining payment of their bills. Immense black-boards are hung up
+in the most conspicuous place in the reception-room; thereon are
+chalked, in letters as big as arrow-headed inscriptions, the names
+of their hopelessly-indebted clients, and the amount of their
+indebtedness."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who always seemed serene and bland;</p>
+<p class="i0">Who never asked for "cash in hand,"</p>
+<p class="i0">Quite pleased that my account should "stand"?</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who catered for the gilded throng,</p>
+<p class="i0">Who chid me when my taste was wrong,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whose credit&mdash;and whose price&mdash;was long?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who chatted when I felt depressed,</p>
+<p class="i0">Who proffered wine with friendly zest,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whose weeds were ever of the best?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who with sartorial oil anoints</p>
+<p class="i0">My vanity, who pads my joints,</p>
+<p class="i0">And fortifies my weakest points?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But who in future, much I fear,</p>
+<p class="i0">Will greet me with no words of cheer,</p>
+<p class="i0">But talk of "settling"&mdash;language queer?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who silently will point his hand</p>
+<p class="i0">To figures white on black-board grand.</p>
+<p class="i0">Where all my unpaid "items" stand?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who'll thus expose me to my peers,</p>
+<p class="i0">Bring on me jibes, and flouts, and sneers,</p>
+<p class="i0">Male sniggerings, and female tears?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who'll frown when I suggest a loan,</p>
+<p class="i0">And ne'er produce Clicquot or Beaune,</p>
+<p class="i0">But for his "checks" demand my own?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who'll take my "measures" when he wills,</p>
+<p class="i0">But only if I take his "bills,"</p>
+<p class="i0">And add one more to human ills?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TAKEN AS YOU LIKE IT.</h2>
+
+<p class="salute"><span class="smcap">My Dear Editor,</span></p>
+
+<p>It was most kind of you to ask me to go to the St. James's Theatre, the
+other evening, to see Mrs. <span class="smcap">Langtry</span>, after I had told you that since my
+recovery from the influenza, I had unfortunately lost my memory. "Don't
+you know anything about <i>As You Like It</i>?" you asked. I pondered deeply,
+and then replied, that I half fancied it was a <span class="smcap">German Reed's</span>
+Entertainment, that would have gone better had it included a part for
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Corney Grain</span>. You told me I was wrong, but intimated that my
+ignorance on the subject would make my notice the more impartial. So I
+went.</p>
+
+<p>As to the play&mdash;was I pleased with <i>As You Like It</i>? Well, I have known
+worse, but I have seen better. It seemed a mixture of prose and verse,
+with several topical allusions that appeared, somehow or other, to have
+lost their point. For instance, a dull dog of a jester (played in a
+funereal fashion by Mr. <span class="smcap">Sugden</span>) stopped the action of the piece, for
+what seemed to me (no doubt the time was actually less) some
+three-quarters of an hour, while he explained the difference between the
+"retort courteous" and "the reproof valiant." The plot was as thin as a
+wafer, but as it is, no doubt, generally known, I need not further refer
+to it. Mrs. <span class="smcap">Langtry</span> was a most graceful and pleasing <i>Rosalind</i>. She
+acted with an earnestness worthy of a better cause, and afforded not a
+trace of the amateur. Of Miss <span class="smcap">Violet Armbruster</span> as <i>Hymen</i>, I might say,
+with a friend who spent several hours in knocking off the impromptu&mdash;</p>
+
+<center>TO A SEASONABLE VIOLET.</center>
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Had always Hymen</p>
+<p class="i2">Such mien, such carriage,</p>
+<p class="i0">You ne'er would fly, men,</p>
+<p class="i2">The state of marriage!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/117b.png">
+<img src="images/117b.png" width="100%" alt="A New PieceA New Piece" /></a>
+<h4>A New Piece.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Lawrence Cautley</span>, as <i>Orlando</i>, had an uphill part. At times (thanks
+to the author) he appeared in situations that were absolutely
+ridiculous. For instance, he leaves an old retainer (capitally played by
+that soundest of sound actors, Mr. <span class="smcap">Everill</span>) dying of starvation, and,
+sword in hand, appears at a pic-nic of the banished <i>Duke</i>, to demand
+refreshment. "I almost die for food, and let me have it," says
+<i>Orlando</i>, and is welcomed by the <i>Duke</i> to his table. And what does
+<i>Orlando</i> do? Does he seize the boar's head, or something equally
+attractive, and rush back to his fainting servitor with the prize? Not a
+bit of it! He leisurely delivers fourteen lines of blank verse about the
+"shade of melancholy boughs," "the creeping hours of time," and
+"blushing, hides his sword!" In my neighbourhood happened to be one of
+the greatest advocates of our generation, and I heard this legal
+luminary whisper, "while that fellow is talking, the old servant will
+die of starvation," and the legal luminary was entirely and absolutely
+right. <i>Adam would</i> have died of starvation while his garrulous master
+was posturing. A country wench called <i>Audrey</i> was admirably
+impersonated by Miss <span class="smcap">Marion Lea</span>, and the remainder of the cast was, on
+the whole, satisfactory. Stay, it is only just that I should single out
+for special commendation Mr. <span class="smcap">Arthur Bourchier</span>, who played a character,
+to whom reference was frequently made as "the melancholy <i>Jaques</i>,"
+faultlessly. Here again the author committed an indiscretion. <i>Jaques</i>
+(by the way, why was not Mr. <span class="smcap">Sugden's</span> rôle described as, "the more
+melancholy <i>Touchstone</i>?") is permitted to stop the action of the piece
+to deliver some thirty lines commencing with the trite truism, "all the
+world's a stage." Mr. <span class="smcap">Bourchier</span> spoke his words with excellent
+discretion, but I cannot help thinking that, in the cause of Art, the
+speech should have been cut out, and I have no doubt, that Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Bourchier</span>, as a true artist, will cordially agree with me.</p>
+
+<p>And so, to quote Mrs. <span class="smcap">Langtry</span> in the Epilogue, "farewell;" but in spite
+of what you have said to the contrary, I am still of opinion, my dear
+Editor, that <i>As You Like It</i> must have been originally intended for Mr.
+and Mrs. <span class="smcap">German Reed's</span> Entertainment, minus Mr. <span class="smcap">Corney Grain</span>.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Sincerely Yours,</p>
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A Correspondent Without a Memory</span>.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Art-Auctioneer's Religion, "Christie</span>-anity."</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AN ASTRAL COMPLICATION.</h2>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/117c.png">
+<img src="images/117c.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In periods of sleep, despair,</p>
+<p class="i2">Of aberration, we have guessed</p>
+<p class="i0">We were not altogether there,</p>
+<p class="i2">But seldom known where was the rest.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Our Astral Bodies wander far,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whenever they will not be missed.</p>
+<p class="i0">Strange things in earth and heaven are</p>
+<p class="i2">For the devout theosophist.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Young <span class="smcap">Wilfrid</span> wooed the wealth of <span class="smcap">Clare</span>;</p>
+<p class="i2">But ah, in spite of golden dearth,</p>
+<p class="i0">His mind and heart approved more fair</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Kate's</span> intellect and moral worth.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Prudence my steps inspire!" he said;</p>
+<p class="i2">And automatically to</p>
+<p class="i0">The residence of <span class="smcap">Clare</span> he sped,</p>
+<p class="i2">And gained an instant's interview.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Fairest," he cried, "my homage deep</p>
+<p class="i2">Ah, not your rank, your wealth command!</p>
+<p class="i0">These idle baubles, lady, keep.</p>
+<p class="i2">Give me alone this lily hand!"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"I will," she said. (The dinner gong</p>
+<p class="i2">That moment sounded.) "Haste away;</p>
+<p class="i0">But meet me in the social throng</p>
+<p class="i2">To-morrow&mdash;that is, Saturday."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">That self-same hour&mdash;the clock struck eight&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">In Holloway began to muse</p>
+<p class="i0">The charming and the gifted <span class="smcap">Kate</span></p>
+<p class="i2">On logarithms most abstruse.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Her door stood wide! Who entered there?</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twas <span class="smcap">Wilfrid</span> spoke in hollow tone.</p>
+<p class="i0">"With me life's logarithms share,</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Kate</span>, that I cannot solve alone!"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"I will," she answered. "But begone!</p>
+<p class="i2">Strange chaperons inspect, explore.</p>
+<p class="i0">The Principal, the stairs is on!"</p>
+<p class="i2">He sighed, and vanished from the door.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Next eve, amid the social throng,</p>
+<p class="i2">Serene stood <span class="smcap">Clare</span> at <span class="smcap">Wilfrid's</span> side;</p>
+<p class="i0">And dreaming not that aught was wrong,</p>
+<p class="i2">She gaily questioned and replied.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Till <span class="smcap">Wilfrid</span> suddenly was 'ware,</p>
+<p class="i2">Close by, of a familiar face,</p>
+<p class="i0">And realised with wild despair</p>
+<p class="i2">All, all the horror of the case!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Oh, what is wrong?" cried <span class="smcap">Clare</span> in awe.</p>
+<p class="i2">Calmly, he answered. "It was He,</p>
+<p class="i0">My Astral Body, that she saw.</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh, which am I? Oh, woe is me!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">East-ern Art in Bond Street.</span>&mdash;"So let the world jog along as it will,
+I'll be Japanese-y still! Japanese-y, Japanese-y. I'll be Japanese-y
+still!" Can't help singing when we see Mr. <span class="smcap">East's</span> pictures of Japan at
+the Fine Art Society's Gallery. This clever artist sojourned in that
+country from March to September. He kept his eyes open and his hand ever
+busy, and has brought back more than a hundred pictures&mdash;fresh,
+brilliant, and original. Such marvellous aspects of scenery, such wealth
+of colour, such novelty do we behold, that we long to start off at once
+to Yokohama, to Nikk&ocirc;, to Hakone, to T&ocirc;kiyo, or any one of these
+delightful places&mdash;singing. "Let's quit this cold climate so dull and
+Britannical, And revel in sunshine and colour Japanical!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Probable Publication.</span>&mdash;Companion work to <i>Sardine and the Sardes</i>, by
+the same author, to be entitled <i>Sardinia and the Sardines</i>, illustrated
+in oils, and sold in tincases. Great reduction (at lunch time) on taking
+a quantity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%">
+<a href="images/118.png">
+<img src="images/118.png" width="100%" alt="THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES" /></a>
+<h4>THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES AT LAMBETH.<br />(<i>As seen by
+Mr. Punch's Artist in a Fog.</i>)</h4>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES.</h2>
+
+<p>Lambeth is in darkness. A Policeman with a bull's-eye prevents my
+driver's energetic endeavours to drive through the Palace wall. I
+stumble into the large hall known as the Library. "Here," said I to
+myself, "is taking place the historic trial of the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>."
+The weird scene strongly resembles the Dream Trial in <i>The Bells</i>, where
+the judges, counsel, and all concerned, are in a fog. Will the limelight
+flash suddenly upon the chief actor, the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>, as he takes
+the stage and re-acts the part that has caused the trial? Archbishop
+<span class="smcap">Bancroft</span> founded this library, so theatrical associations are natural.
+The only lights in the long and lofty library (excepting the clerical
+and legal) are a dozen or two wax candles and a few oil-lamps, but of
+daylight, gaslight, or electric, nothing. I can hear the voice of <span class="smcap">Jeune</span>,
+Q.C., the <span class="smcap">Jeune</span> <i>premier</i> of this ecclesiastical drama.</p>
+
+<p>They have commenced proceedings. In this, the Archbishop's Court, they,
+very properly, begin with prayer. So does the House of Commons. "Any
+special form of orison?" I ask in a whisper of the <span class="smcap">Jeune</span> <i>premier</i>, Q.C.
+"Yes," he answers in a subdued tone. "Look in your prayer-book for 'form
+of prayer to be used by those at sea.' That's it." Then he has to
+continue his argument.</p>
+
+<p>At the further end of the library we have the Church, represented by an
+Archbishop and five Bishops; also a Judge, in a full-bottomed wig, who
+has evidently got in by mistake. Then we have the Law, represented by a
+row of Q.C.'s, their juniors, and attendants; and then a chorus of
+ordinary people, and common, or Thames Policemen. But where's the Bishop
+of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>? Not among the Thames Policemen? Not in the Dock? Where? Aha!
+I see him. I focus him. I sketch him. <i>Veni, vidi, vici!</i> I show result
+on paper to Official. "Oh, no," he says; "that's not the Bishop, that's
+<span class="smcap">Thingummy</span>," a Clerk of the Court, or something. Hang <span class="smcap">Thingummy</span>! Official
+disappears. Lights, ho! a link on Lincoln! I determine to find him. The
+Bishops sit round three tables, on a raised platform. The Archbishop of
+<span class="smcap">Canterbury</span> sits in the centre; on his right is the mysterious Judge, in
+full wig, and red robes; this is the Vicar-General, Sir <span class="smcap">James Parker
+Deane</span>, Q.C.; next to him sits Assessor Dr. <span class="smcap">Atlay</span>, Bishop of <span class="smcap">Hereford</span>,
+who looks anything but happy; his hair has the appearance of being
+impelled by a strong draught, and his hand is to his face, as if the
+draught had produced toothache. The portly Bishop of <span class="smcap">Oxford</span> is on his
+right, and like the other corner man, the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span>, he
+scribbles away at a great rate in a huge manuscript book, or roll of
+foolscap. On the left of the Archbishop sits the Bishop of <span class="smcap">London</span>, who
+severely questions the Counsel, and evidently relishes acting the
+school-master over again. The Bishop of <span class="smcap">Rochester</span> sitting on <span class="smcap">London's</span>
+left, supplies the comedy element, so far as facial expression goes; his
+mouth is wide open, and he holds some papers in front of him in an
+attitude which suggests that he will presently break forth into song.
+But where, oh where, is the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>? Ah, I see him. I sketch
+him. I write his name under sketch, and show it to one of the Reporters.
+He scribbles across it, "Wrong." I write, "Where is he?" He waves me
+away. I believe the Bishop is at the other side of the long table, by
+his Counsel. There is a candle in front of him. I make my way to the
+other side. I find the Bishop is an old lady! I write, "Where does the
+Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span> sit?" on a piece of paper, and take it to an Official.
+He cannot see to read it, so some time is lost while he finds a
+convenient candle. He looks towards me, and points to a corner.</p>
+
+<p>Good! At last! There is an old gentleman, in plain clothes it is true,
+but still otherwise every inch a Bishop or a Butler, or perhaps both in
+one,&mdash;say Bishop <span class="smcap">Butler</span>. I have just finished a careful study of him,
+when he turns round and whispers, "Please, Sir, can you tell me which is
+the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>?" I shake my head angrily, and move away. I'll
+bide my time. <span class="smcap">Jeune</span> <i>premier</i> is answering the hundred-and-seventh
+question of the Bishop of <span class="smcap">London</span>, and is being "supported" by Sir <span class="smcap">Walter
+Phillimore</span>. It amuses me to hear these two clever Counsel, in this
+natural and ecclesiastical fog, carrying on an animated legal
+conversation with each other, ignoring the Bishops; not that the latter
+seem to mind, as they scribble merrily away at their folios. Are their
+Right Reverend Lordships engaged in writing their Sunday sermons?</p>
+
+<p>But where is <i>the</i> Bishop? He ought to be near his Counsel. The severe
+Sir <span class="smcap">Horace Davey</span> sits writing letters; next to him the affable Dr.
+<span class="smcap">Tristram</span>, then the rubicund Mr. <span class="smcap">Dankwerts</span>, but no Bishop. One o'clock!
+The Bishops rise for Lunch and Lev&eacute;e. "Where, oh where! is the Bishop of
+<span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>?" I ask <span class="smcap">Jeune</span> <i>premier</i>. "Quick&mdash;I want to sketch him before he
+leaves!"</p>
+
+<p>"The Bishop!" returns the First Ecclesiastical Young Man, smiling. "Oh,
+he never comes near the place." <i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Jeune</span> <i>premier</i>. I appeal to the
+austere Sir <span class="smcap">Horace Davey</span>. "I can't tell you," says sir <span class="smcap">Horace</span>&mdash;"<span class="smcap">Davey</span>
+<i>sum, non &OElig;dipus</i>." And off he goes, to argue another sort of a case
+about Baird language and the Pelican Club. He will say no more. On this
+occasion only, <span class="smcap">Horace</span> is <span class="smcap">Tacitus</span>. I do not find the Bishop, and quit
+Lambeth.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/119.png">
+<img src="images/119.png" width="100%" alt="Confound these Blacks" /></a>
+<h4>LIKELY&mdash;VERY!</h4>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Confound these Blacks! They follow me everywhere!" "Yes, my dear
+Fellow; they take you for a Missionary!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE LITTLE DUC AND HIS BIG BILL.</h2>
+
+<p>The <i>restaurateur</i> evidently considered that he "didn't kill a pig every
+day," when he stuck <i>Le Petit Duc</i> for this now historic bill, which, as
+given in full by the <i>Figaro</i>, <i>Mr. Punch</i> reproduces here for general
+edification:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="centered table">
+<table summary="meal bill">
+<tr><td>Un artichaut barigoule</td><td>12</td><td>fr.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>Un ch&acirc;teaubriand</td><td>16</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 sole</td><td>10</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 noix de veau</td><td>10</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 homard</td><td>25</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 salade</td><td>3</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 caneton aux navets</td><td>25</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>6 &eacute;crevisses</td><td>15</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>Hors d'&oelig;uvre </td><td>5</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>Une assiette de fruits</td><td>16</td><td>"</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<p>Whenever it may be the lot of any distinguished Member of the Upper
+House to be sent to the Tower of London, or a Member of the Lower to be
+shut up in the Clock Tower, the Provisional Government for the time
+being will know what to charge for its provisions. The <i>restaurateur</i>
+addressed his little account, "<i>&Agrave; Sa Magest&eacute; (sic) Louis
+Philippe-Robert</i> ('<span class="smcap">Robert</span>' was in it) <i>Duc d'Orl&eacute;ans</i>." In styling <i>Le
+Petit Duc</i> "His Majesty" the artful <i>restaurateur</i> evidently had in view
+a future <i>restauration</i>. The <i>restaurateur</i>, who expected to provide the
+young Duke of <span class="smcap">Orleans</span> with a second dinner, of course quoted <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>,
+and exclaimed enthusiastically&mdash;</p>
+
+<center>
+"I must go victual Orleans forthwith!"</center>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Henry V., Part I., Act I., Sc. 5.</i></p>
+
+<p>But the youthful Duc or Duckling wasn't to be caught and stuffed a
+second time.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Saturday Series.</span>&mdash;"Hunters' Dams" was the heading of an article in
+last week's <i>Saturday Review</i>. As the counter-jumper politely says,
+"What will be the next article?" We look forward with interest to
+"Shooters' Swearings," "Anglers' Affirmations," "Coursers' Curses," and
+a few others that may suggest themselves.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Royal Society of Painter-Etchers.</span>&mdash;At the pleasant Gallery, 5A, Pall
+Mall East, is a good show of needle-work. One of the most prolific
+contributors is a certain clever gentleman whose name may possibly be
+familiar to some of our readers, one <span class="smcap">Rembrandt Van Rhyn</span>, who sends no
+less than a hundred works.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer.</i>)</center><br />
+
+<center>No. III.&mdash;THE YOUNG M.P.</center>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/120.png">
+<img src="images/120.png" width="100%" alt="MODERN TYPES" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>For the proper production of the young M.P. there are many receipts, but
+only one is genuine. Take a rickety boy, and provide him with a wealthy
+father, slightly flavoured with a good social position and political
+tastes. Send him to a public school, having first eliminated as much
+youthfulness as is compatible with continued existence. Add some
+flattering masters, and a distaste for games. Season with the idea that
+he is born for a great career. Let him be, if possible, verbose and
+argumentative, and inclined to contradict his elders. Eliminate more
+youth and transfer hot to a University. Add more verbosity, and a strong
+extract of priggishness. Throw in a degree, and two speeches at the
+Union. Set him to simmer for two years in a popular constituency, and
+serve him up, a chattering pedant of twenty-four, at Westminster.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of the contest which resulted in his return to the House
+of Commons, the young M.P. will have tasted the sweets of advertisement
+by seeing his name constantly placarded in huge letters on coloured
+posters. He will have been constantly referred to as "Our popular young
+Candidate," and he will thus have become convinced that the welfare of
+his country imperatively demands his immediate presence and permanent
+continuance in Parliament. When the genial butcher who, besides
+retailing the carcases of sheep and oxen, sits in the Town Council, and
+presides over one of the local political associations, declared, as he
+often has at other contests and of other candidates, that never, in the
+course of his political career, had he listened to more mature wisdom,
+adorned with nobler eloquence, than that which had fallen from "Our
+young and popular Candidate," he was merely satisfying a burning desire
+for rhetorical expansion, without any particular regard to accuracy of
+statement. But the candidate himself greedily gulps that lump of
+flattery, and all the praise which is the conventional sauce for every
+political gander. On this he grows fat, and being, in addition, puffed
+up by a very considerable conceit of his own, he eventually presents an
+aspect which is not pleasing, and assumes (towards those who are not
+voters in the Constituency) a manner which can scarcely be described as
+modest.</p>
+
+<p>The majority of his Constituents regard him simply as an automatic
+machine for the regular distribution of large subscriptions. He regards
+himself as a being of great importance and capacity, and endowed with
+the power of acting as he likes, whilst the local wirepullers look upon
+him as a convenient mask, behind which they may the more effectively
+carry on their own petty schemes of personal ambition.</p>
+
+<p>As a Candidate, moreover, the young M.P. will have discovered that the
+triumph of his party depends not merely or even chiefly upon the due
+exposition of those political principles with which he may have lately
+crammed himself by the aid of a stray volume of <span class="smcap">Mill</span>, and a <i>Compendium
+of Political History</i>, but rather upon the careful observance of local
+custom and local etiquette, and the ceaseless effort to trump his
+adversary's every trick. He will thus have become the President of the
+local Glee Club, the Patron of a Scientific Association, and a local Dog
+Show, the Vice-President of four Cricket Clubs and of five Football
+Clubs, a Member of the Committee of the Hospital Ball, and of the
+Society for Improving the breed of Grey Parrots; to say nothing of the
+Guild for Promoting the happiness of Middle-aged Housemaids, and the
+local Association for the Distribution of Penny Buns, at cheap prices,
+to the deserving poor. Moreover, before he has discovered the true
+relation of benefit societies to politics, he will find himself a Member
+of the Odd Fellows, the Foresters, the Hearts of Oak, the Druids, and
+the Loyal and Ancient Order of Free and Accepted Buffaloes, with the
+right, conferred by the last-named Society, of being addressed on lodge
+nights as if he were a Baronet, or, at least, a Knight.</p>
+
+<p>Having thus met and shaken hands with the working-man during his hours
+of festive relaxation, the young M.P. will be properly qualified for
+discussing those social questions which form the chief part of every
+aspirant's political baggage. Being gifted with a happy power of
+enunciating pompous platitudes with an air of profound conviction, and
+of spreading butter churned from the speeches of his leaders on the
+bread of political economy, he will be highly thought of at meetings of
+political leagues of either sex, or of both combined. It is necessary
+that he should catch the eye of the Speaker during his first Session. He
+will afterwards talk to his Constituents of the forms of the House in
+the tone of one who is familiar with mysteries, and is accustomed to
+mingle on terms of equality with the great and famous. He will bring in
+a Bill which an M.P. who was once young, has abandoned, and, finding his
+measure blocked, will discourse with extreme bitterness of the
+obstruction by which the efforts of rising political genius are
+oppressed.</p>
+
+<p>In London Society the young M.P. may be recognised by an air of
+conscious importance as of one who carries the burden of the State upon
+his shoulders, and desires to impress the fact upon others. He may be
+flattered by being consulted as to the secret intentions of foreign
+Cabinets or the prospects of party divisions. He will then speak at
+length of his leaders as "we," and will probably announce, in a voice
+intended not so much for his immediate neighbours as for the thoughtless
+crowd beyond, that "we shall smash them in Committee," and that
+"<span class="smcap">Akers-Douglas</span>" (or <span class="smcap">Arnold Morley</span>, as the case may be) "has asked me to
+answer the fellows on the other side to-morrow. I am not sure I shall
+speak," the MS. of his speech being already complete. On the following
+day he will speak during the dinner-hour to an audience of four, and,
+having escaped being counted out, will be greatly admired by his
+Constituents. He will assiduously attend all social functions, and will
+not object to seeing his name in the paragraphs of Society papers. It is
+not absolutely necessary that the young M.P. should be bald, but it is
+essential that he should wear a frock-coat. It is well, also, that his
+dress should be neat, but not ostentatiously spruce, lest the more
+horny-handed of his supporters should take umbrage at an offensive
+assumption of superiority over those whose votes keep him in place.</p>
+
+<p>Custom demands that the young M.P. should travel extensively, and that
+he should enlighten his home-staying Constituents as to the designs of
+Barataria, the labour question in Lilliput, and the prospects of
+federation in Laputa, by means of letters addressed to the local
+newspaper. He will also interview foreign potentates and statesmen, and
+cause the fact to be published through the medium of <span class="smcap">Reuter</span>. On his
+return, he will write a book, and deliver a lecture before the Mutual
+Improvement Society of the town he represents. He will then marry, in
+order that he may attend Mothers' meetings by deputy, and cause his wife
+to make lavish purchases at a local bazaar, which he will have opened.
+Shortly afterwards he will select an unpopular fad, which certain
+members of his own party approve, and will take a vigorous stand against
+it on principle, thus earning the commendation of all parties as a man
+of independent views, and unswerving rectitude.</p>
+
+<p>If, at a subsequent election, he should chance to be rejected at the
+poll, he will publicly profess that he is delighted to be relieved of an
+uncongenial burden, whilst assuring his friends in private that the
+country in which able and honest men are neglected must be in a very bad
+way. He will, however, publish an address to the electors, in which he
+will claim a moral victory, and will assure them that it will ever be
+one of his proudest memories to have been connected with their
+constituency. He will spend his period of retirement on the stump, and,
+unless he be speedily furnished with another Constituency, will
+entertain doubts as to the sanity of his party leaders. Subsequently he
+will find himself again in the House of Commons, and, having been spoken
+of as a young man for about a quarter of a century, will at last become
+an Under-Secretary of State, and a grandfather, in the same year.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Master Singers.</span>&mdash;Sir,&mdash;In accordance with your request, I visited the
+Meistersingers' Club (an institution which, seemingly from its name, has
+been established as a memorial to <span class="smcap">Wagner</span>), where a "dramatic
+performance" was given last week that had many points of interest to the
+languid pleasure-seeker, wearily thirsting for fresh sources of
+amusement. The evening's entertainment commenced with a play obligingly
+described by the author as a farce, which was followed by a new and
+original operetta, containing some very pretty music by Mr. <span class="smcap">Percy Reeve</span>,
+with the exquisitely droll title of <i>The Crusader and the Craven</i>. The
+one lady and two gentlemen who took part in this were, from a prompter's
+point of view, nearly perfect. Mr. <span class="smcap">R. Hendon</span> as <i>Sir Rupert de
+Malvoisie</i> (the Crusader) suggested, by his accent and gestures, that he
+must have come from the East&mdash;how far East, it boots not to inquire.
+Miss <span class="smcap">Florence Darley</span> was a good <i>Lady Alice</i>, and Mr. <span class="smcap">J. A. Shale</span> an
+efficient "Craven." Later on an operatic performance is threatened. If
+the thrilling series of arrangements on the back of the Programme is to
+be accepted as authentic, the members of the Club will be invited to
+have <i>Patience</i>. It would be difficult to find a more appropriate
+accessory to a Night with the Meistersingers. No one asked me to have
+any supper, Yours, <span class="smcap">A Hand at Clubs</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%">
+<a href="images/120a.gif">
+<img src="images/120a.gif" width="100%" alt="pointing finger" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30056 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1738 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari, Volume 98,
+March 8, 1890., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or, the London Charivari, Volume 98, March 8, 1890.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2009 [EBook #30056]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MAR 8, 1890 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 98.
+
+  MARCH 8, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "This is what the County Council's Licensing Bill for
+Places of Entertainment did _not_ intend, as, according to the latest
+authoritative explanation, the L. C. C. does not consider Theatres as
+coming under the head of "places of entertainment". Rather hard on the
+Theatres!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL AND THE LYCEUM THEATRE.
+
+APPEAL OF MR. HENRY IRVING. RESULT.
+
+(_A not impossible Extract from Next Year's Morning Papers._)
+
+Yesterday, before the Theatres Committee of the London County Council,
+the appeal of MR. HENRY IRVING (the well-known actor and manager) against
+the decision of the Sub-Committee to refuse a licence to the Lyceum
+Theatre, came on for hearing.
+
+After MR. HENRY IRVING (who appeared in person) had addressed the
+Committee at some length, dwelling upon the character of the pieces he
+had produced during his management, and the care and expense with which
+they had been mounted, several members of the Committee expressed a wish
+to put questions to him, which MR. IRVING promised to answer to the best
+of his ability.
+
+MR. HECKLEBURY. I think you told us that _Hamlet_ was one of your
+favourite parts? Is it not the fact that the chief character in the play
+drives his _fiancee_ to madness and suicide by his cruelty, slays her
+father and brother, together with his own step-father, and procures the
+death of two of his school-fellows?
+
+MR. IRVING admitted that this was so. (_Sensation._)
+
+MR. HECKLEBURY. That is all I wanted to ask you.
+
+MR. FUSSLER. I understand that you have produced a play called _Othello_
+on more than one occasion; perhaps you will inform us whether the
+following passages are in your opinion suitable for public declamation?
+(Mr. FUSSLER _then proceeded to read several extracts to which he
+objected on account of their offensive signification_.)
+
+MR. IRVING protested that SHAKSPEARE, and not himself, was responsible
+for such passages.
+
+MR. FUSSLER. Unfortunately, SHAKSPEARE is not before us--and you are.
+You admit that you have produced a play containing lines such as
+I have just read? That is enough for Us.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. Unless I am mistaken, the hero in _Othello_ is not only a
+murderer but a suicide?
+
+MR. IRVING. Undoubtedly. (_Sensation._)
+
+MR. MEDLAM. We have heard something of a piece called _The Bells_. I
+seldom attend theatres myself, except in the exercise of my public
+functions, but I do happen to have seen that particular play on one
+occasion. Does my memory mislead me in saying, that you committed a
+brutal and savage murder in the course of the drama?
+
+MR. IRVING said that, as a matter of fact, the murder took place many
+years before the curtain rose--otherwise, the Member's memory was
+entirely accurate.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. Whenever the murder was committed, it remains undetected,
+and the criminal escapes all penalty--is not that the case?
+
+MR. IRVING urged that the Nemesis was worked out by the murderer's own
+conscience.
+
+MR. MEDLAM said that was all nonsense; a person's conscience could not
+be made visible on the stage, and here a murderer was represented as
+dying several years after his crime, in his own bedroom, respected by
+all who knew him. Did MR. IRVING intend to tell them that such a
+spectacle was calculated to deter an intending murderer, or did he not?
+That was the plain question.
+
+MR. IRVING thought that intending murderers formed so inappreciable an
+element in his usual audiences, that they might safely be left out of
+the calculation.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. But you might have an intending murderer among your
+audience, I suppose?
+
+MR. IRVING'S reply was not audible in the reporters' gallery.
+
+MR. PARSEEKER. I should like to hear what you have to say about
+duelling, MR. IRVING--I mean, is it, or is it not, a practice sanctioned
+by the laws of this country?
+
+MR. IRVING said that he did not quite understand the drift of such a
+question; but, since they asked him, he should say that duelling was
+distinctly illegal.
+
+MR. PARSEEKER. You will understand the drift of my question directly,
+MR. IRVING. I have made it my business to acquaint myself with your
+dramatic career, and I find that you have played as hero at various
+times in _Romeo and Juliet_, _Hamlet_, _The Corsican Brothers_, and _The
+Dead Heart_, besides _Macbeth_. Am I wrong in saying that in each of
+these pieces you fight a duel?
+
+MR. IRVING. No. I fight a duel in each of them, except _Macbeth_, in
+which there is no duel, only a hand-to-hand combat. I do commit a murder
+in _Macbeth_.
+
+A MEMBER. MR. IRVING'S tastes seem rather to run in the direction of
+murders. (_Laughter._)
+
+After the report of the Official Censor upon the general tone of the
+Lyceum plays during the last fifteen years had been read a second time
+and adopted, the Chairman, without more than a formal consultation with
+his colleagues, proceeded to announce the decision of the Committee. He
+said that they had not come to their present conclusion without long and
+anxious deliberation. They were now the constituted guardians of the
+public morals, and must fulfil their functions without fear or favour.
+(_Applause._) They must look at the character of the performances at
+each theatre, considering only whether they were or were not beneficial
+to morality. In the past, under a _regime_ happily now at an end, public
+opinion had been shamefully lax, and official control purely nominal;
+plays had been repeatedly performed, and even welcomed as classics,
+which he did not hesitate to say were full of incidents that were
+revolting to all well-regulated minds. SHAKSPEARE, who, with his
+undoubted talents, should have known better, was, so far from being an
+exception, one of the worst offenders. The Council must free themselves
+from the shackles of conventional tolerance. (_Applause._) Evil was
+evil--murder was murder--coarseness was coarseness--whether treated by
+SHAKSPEARE or anybody else. Nor could the Committee shut their eyes to
+the fact that Mr. IRVING'S histrionic ability, and his popularity with
+those who attended his exhibitions could only intensify the injurious
+effect which such representations must have upon young and
+impressionable minds. In his opinion, much as he regretted having to say
+so, the Lyceum was nothing less than a School of Murder. It aggravated
+rather than extenuated the evil to be told, as they had been told, that
+all these deeds of violence had been represented on the stage with every
+aid which money, art and research could give. Again, was it desirable
+that the Democracy should derive their ideas of the family life of
+crowned heads from being admitted into the scandalous secrets of the
+household of _Hamlet_? Or did they wish to see an injured husband
+following the example of _Othello_? A thousand times no. These things
+must be stopped. The Council was very far from taking a Puritanical view
+of the question--(_applause_)--they fully recognised that the stage was
+a necessary social evil, and, as such, must be tolerated until the
+public taste was sufficiently purified to refuse it further countenance;
+but, in the meantime, the Council must insure that such exhibitions as
+they were prepared to sanction were of a kind consistent with the
+preservation of good manners, decorum, and of the public
+peace--(_applause_)--none of which conditions, in the unanimous opinion
+of the Committee, was fulfilled by the class of entertainment which the
+appellant IRVING had, by his own admission, persisted in providing. On
+those grounds alone the Committee dismissed the Appeal, and declared the
+Lyceum Theatre closed till further notice. He might say, however, that
+they might possibly be induced, after a certain interval, to reconsider
+the question, and allow the theatre to be reopened on MR. IRVING'S
+undertaking to produce dramas of an entirely unobjectionable character
+in future. (MR. IRVING begged for some more definite leading as to the
+dramas alluded to.) The Chairman said that he had been informed that an
+illustrated periodical called _Punch_ was publishing a series of Moral
+Dramas, in which the sentiments and incidents were alike irreproachable.
+Let MR. IRVING promise to confine himself to these, and the Council would
+see about it. ( MR. IRVING then withdrew, without, however, having given
+any definite undertaking, and the Committee adjourned.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PUTTING HIS NOSE OUT OF JOINT."
+
+_Engineering (to Little Tour Eiffel)._ "WHERE ARE YOU, NOW, MY LITTLE
+MAN?"]
+
+    "The Eiffel Tower is 1000 feet high; if the Forth Bridge were put up
+    on end, it would be 5280 feet in height. The tower has in its
+    construction 7500 tons of iron; the bridge has 53,000 tons of the
+    best steel. The tower was made in about six months; the bridge has
+    required seven years. The Eiffel Tower is a wonderful thing; but,
+    then, how much more wonderful is the Forth Bridge!"--_Illustrated
+    London News._
+
+  _The Bridge._ You took lots of beating, my sky-scraping friend,
+          But  BENJAMIN BAKER has compassed _that_ end;
+          I am sure Monsieur  EIFFEL himself would allow
+          That the Bridge licks the Tower; so where are you _now_?
+
+  _The Tower._ _J'y suis et j'y reste_, my big friend and great rival,
+          I hope for a long and a glorious survival;
+          But don't mind admitting--all great souls are frank--
+          That you--for the present at least--take first rank
+          'Midst the mighty achievements adorning our sphere
+          Of our latest of Titans, the Great Engineer.
+
+  _The Bridge._ All hail, Engineering! No wonder you're proud
+          Of a work in whose honour all praises are loud;
+          No wonder 'tis opened by princes and peers
+          Amidst technical triumph and popular cheers;
+          No wonder that  BENJAMIN BAKER feels glad,
+          Sir  JOHN FOWLER and  COOPER quite other than sad.
+          'Twas a very big job, 'tis a very big day,
+          And the whole country joins in the Scotchmen's Hooray!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+What train of thought was it that led the indefatigable PERCY FITZGERALD
+to write, _The Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, which appears in one of the
+most striking wrappers that can be seen on a railway book-stall? How
+pleasant if we could obtain a real outside coat-pocket railway guide
+just this size. It is a pity that the Indefatigable and Percy-vering One
+did not apply to _Mr. Punch_ for permission to reprint the page of
+Bradshaw which appeared in _Mr. Punch's Bradshaw's Guide_, marvellously
+illustrated by BENNETT, many years ago. This _magnum opus in parvo_ is
+really interesting and amusing, but if there is one thing more than
+another which he who runs and reads desiderates of an author writing of
+time-tables and guides, it is accuracy. Now, in one particular instance,
+our PERCY is inaccurate. He writes: "Close on fifty years have passed
+by, and the guide with every year has continued, like _Mr. Stiggins_, to
+be a 'swellin' wisibly.'" The Brave Baron challenges PERCY to mortal
+combat on this issue, defying him to prove that _Mr. Stiggins_ was ever
+described within the limits of _Pickwick_, as "swellin' wisibly." Will
+the erudite biographer of _Bradshaw_ be surprised to learn, that, in the
+first place, the description "swellin' wisibly" was never applied to
+_Mr. Stiggins_ at all, but was used by _Mr. Weller_ senior, as
+illustrating the condition of a "young 'ooman on the next form but two"
+from where he was sitting, who had "drank nine breakfast cups and a
+half, and," he goes on to whisper to _Sam_, "_She's a swellin' wisibly
+before my wery eyes._" In the second place, the expression was employed
+at a time when _Mr. Stiggins_ was not present, but, in his official
+character, as "a deligate from the Dorking branch of our society,
+Brother _Stiggins_" was in attendance downstairs. With these two
+exceptions, one mistake of omission, and one of commission, the Baron
+confers his _imprimatur_ on the _Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, and
+recommends it to the public.
+
+For a first-rate, short, well-constructed, and sensationally interesting
+story, let me recommend my readers to _The Peril of Richard Pardon_.
+Only one possible objection do I see to it, and that is a matter of my
+own private opinion, which is, that _Richard Pardon_ is the most
+irritating idiot ever created by an author. For the sake of the story,
+it was necessary that he should be weak; but he is such a very
+backboneless man, and yet quite strong enough to support the fabric of
+the plot. Then one is cleverly put off the scent by a certain _Richard
+Mortlock_, from whom the reader expects much more than ever comes out.
+The sequel of this capital novelette must be _Richard Mortlock_. I have
+quite forgotten to say that _The Peril of Richard Pardon_ is by Mr. B.
+L. FARJEON, whom I have to thank for making time pass too rapidly on
+many a previous occasion. The Hour Before Dinner Series--not that this
+is the genuine title, but it might be, and is a suggestion--is a real
+"boon and a blessing" to those who, like _Podgers_, in JOHN
+HOLLINGSHEAD'S immortal farce, "only have a 'our," not for "their
+dinner," but for their novel-reading throughout the day. FARJEON _soit
+beni!_ (Signed) _The Baron de Book-Worms._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EVENTFUL WEEK.
+
+(_From a Prophetic Journal of Events, looming possibly somewhere
+a-head._)
+
+_Monday._--London, having now been without coal for sixteen weeks, and
+people having kept their kitchen-fires alight by burning their banisters
+and bedroom furniture, several noted West-end houses undertake to
+deliver the arms and legs of drawing-room chairs ("best screened"), at
+L26 5s. a ton for cash.
+
+_Tuesday._--All the petroleum in the country having now been exhausted
+for heating purposes, and Piccadilly being, in consequence, illuminated
+by a night-light in one lamp-post in every three, a "Discontented
+Ratepayer" commences a correspondence in the _Times_, commenting on the
+matter in a severe temper.
+
+_Wednesday._--Several Colliery Owners, in despair, descend into their
+own mines for the purpose of trying to raise some coal themselves, but
+their _employes_, declining to assist in hauling them up again, they are
+left to their fate, and nothing more is heard of them.
+
+_Thursday._--A Syndicate of Noblemen determine to try for coal on the
+spot, by sinking a mine in the middle of Belgrave Square, when, on
+arriving at a depth of 2500 feet, they come across an active volcano,
+which proves such a nuisance to the neighbourhood, that the Vestry is
+applied to by several parishioners to put a stop to it. On their sending
+the Sanitary Inspector to investigate the matter, he orders the mine to
+be closed. On this being done, the scheme collapses, several of the
+Syndicate, as a consequence, in despair emigrating to Tierra del Fuego.
+
+_Friday._--A set of studs and a drawing-room tiara of "Best Wallsend,"
+are shown in a window of a jeweller's in Bond Street, and attract such
+crowds that the Police have to be called in to prevent a block in the
+traffic, and keep the pavement clear for foot passengers.
+
+_Saturday._--Furious street riots commenced by a noble Duke in Grosvenor
+Place pulling up the wood pavement in front of his house, and having it
+carted rapidly into his coal-cellars. The move becoming popular, spreads
+in all directions, with the result of leading to serious collisions with
+the local Vestry Authorities, who call in the aid of the Police.
+
+_Sunday._--The Archbishop of CANTERBURY preaches to an enormous
+congregation in Westminster Abbey, on the "Plague of Darkness" in Egypt
+by the light of a one-farthing candle. This being, by some misadventure,
+inadvertently knocked over, the assembled multitude are enabled to
+realise, to some extent, the gloomy horrors of the situation as
+described by the reverend preacher, and, stumbling over each other,
+retire to unlighted streets and fireless hearths, to face another week
+of the consequences of the "Trade Problem," with the solution of which
+they have been brought face to face.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRAND OLD BILLEE.[A]
+
+    "It is stated that the captaincy of Deal Castle ... is to be offered
+    to Mr. GLADSTONE, the captaincy being in the gift of the Lord Warden
+    of the Cinque Ports."--_Daily News._
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+  There were three sailors of London city
+    Who found their (Party) ship at sea,
+  Although with programmes, authorised and unauthorised,
+    Most carefully they had loaded she.
+
+  There was greedy JOE and glosing JIMMY,
+    And the third was named Grand Old BILLEE;
+  And they were reduced to the piteous prospect
+    Of grubbing on one split (Party) pea.
+
+  Says greedy  JOE to glosing JIMMY,
+    "For captaincy I am hungaree."
+  To greedy JOE says glosing JIMMY,
+    "Then you and I must get rid of _he_."
+
+  Says greedy JOE to glosing JIMMY,
+    "With one another _we_ should agree.
+  With me as Captain, and you as First Mate,
+    If it wasn't for Grand Old BILLEE."
+
+  "Oh, BILLEE, we're going to chuck you over,
+    So prepare for a bath in the Irish Sea."
+  When BILL received this information,
+    His dexter optic winked he.
+
+  "First let me take an observation
+    From the main-top over the Irish Sea!"
+  "Make haste, make haste," says glosing JIMMY,
+    Whilst  JOE he fumbled his snickersnee.
+
+  So BILLY went up to the main-top-gallant mast,
+    And began to count o'er the Irish Sea;
+  And he scarce had come to eighty-six, or so,
+    When up he jumps. "Land Ho!" shouts he.
+
+  "I can see Ould Ireland! There's the Bay of Dublin;
+    With a distant glimpse of Amerikee.
+  And the Parliament upon College Green, bhoys,
+    With a right good glass I can (almost) see."
+
+  So they went ashore, and the crew when mustered
+    Kicked Guzzling  JOE, and cashiered JIMMEE.
+  But as for Grand Old BILLEE, they gave him
+    Of the old "Deal Castle" the captaincy!
+
+[Footnote A: As various versions of the popular song of _"Little
+Billee"_ have been set to music and sung, no apology is needed for the
+insertion in these pages of the version most up to date.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 24._--"Look here, TOBY, M.P.," said
+ARTHUR BALFOUR, almost fiercely; "if you suppose that I enjoy this sort
+of thing, you're quite mistaken." Hadn't supposed any such thing;
+hadn't, indeed, referred to the matter. Only looked at him inquiringly,
+as ATTORNEY-GENERAL for IRELAND, trudging stolidly through the mire,
+attempted to answer CHARLES RUSSELL. "If I _am_ Irish Secretary, as
+TREVELYAN once said, I'm an English gentleman, and if you suppose I have
+any sympathy with the sort of thing that goes on at Clongorey, you're
+mistaken. But I am answerable for law and order, and law and order I
+maintain."
+
+Thus ARTHUR, quite querulous. Have noticed sometimes, when a man
+hopelessly in the wrong, he is inclined to turn on his best friend and
+rend him. This Clongorey business, truly, a bad one. When, just now,
+SEXTON moved adjournment of House, in order to call attention to it,
+Conservatives rose with one accord and went forth. They know WINDBAG
+SEXTON of old, and thought he was probably going to favour them with one
+of his usual exercises. Better this once have stopped and listened.
+Interesting to see how two hundred English gentlemen would have voted
+had they learned all about Clongorey. Happily less, far less, than usual
+of the windbag about SEXTON. His story, in truth, needed no assistance
+from wind instrument. Farms at Clongorey simply strips of reclaimed bog
+land, on which struggling tenants had built miserable shanties; got
+along in good times; just managed to keep body and soul together, and
+pay the rent--rent on land they had literally created, and for huts they
+had actually built. Two years ago came a flood; swamped them. Asked
+landlord to make temporary reduction on rent, to tide over troublesome
+times. Landlord offered a pitiful trifle. What was thought of this shown
+by County Court Judge, who, on cases that came before him, permanently
+reduced rent by thrice amount of temporary reduction proffered. Judge
+further suggested that arrears should be wiped out. Landlord declined to
+listen to suggestion. Tenants drowned out by the cruel river, dragged
+out by the relentless landlord. Stood by whilst the emergency men
+wrenched roofs off their huts, and set fire to the ruins. A neighbour
+offered them shelter, enlarging out-buildings on her farm. Down came the
+police on workmen engaged in this act of charity. A hundred police, paid
+for by tax-payer, swooped down with fixed bayonets on Clongorey,
+arrested labourers, handcuffed them, marched them off to police
+barracks.
+
+This is the simple Story of Clongorey, reduced to facts not denied by
+BALFOUR or ATTORNEY-GENERAL, divested of all incidental matters alleged,
+such as the parading of the handcuffed prisoners through the crowded
+streets of the town, the police making raids among the crowd, naturally
+gathered to see the sight. "One man had his eyeball burst, another his
+skull broken." CHARLES RUSSELL, not given to exaggerated views, somewhat
+reputable as a legal authority, with law-books in hand stated his
+opinion that, apart from incidents of the foray, magistrates and police
+were acting illegally.
+
+"Well," said LONG LAWRANCE, turning his back on House of Commons, "I'm
+glad they've made me a Judge. Have ever been what is called a good
+Party-man; believe in BALFOUR; always ready to back him up with my vote;
+but, dash my wig (now that I'm going to wear a full-bottomed one) if I
+like voting to render possible the repetition of a business like this at
+Clongorey. Must begin to cultivate a judicial frame of mind; so I'll go
+for a walk on the terrace." LAWRANCE'S view evidently taken in other
+quarters of Conservative camp, for, after diligent whipping up,
+Ministerial majority reduced to 42. _Business done._--Address agreed to.
+
+_Tuesday._--Midst a mass of Notices of Motion, a sea of troublous words,
+GEORGE TREVELYAN drops in a score which shines forth with light of common
+sense. "Why," he asks, "does not Parliament rise at beginning of July,
+sitting through winter months for whatsoever longer period may be
+necessary for the due transaction of public business?"
+
+Why not? On Friday, the 14th March, TREVELYAN will put the question in
+formal way before House, so that they may vote on it. Conservative
+majority may well be expected to support it. No new thing; simply
+revival of older fashion. Our great grandfathers knew better than to
+swelter in London through July, pass the Twelfth of August at
+Westminster, and go off forlorn and jaded in the early days of
+September. Hunting men may have objections to raise; but then hunting
+men, though eminently respectable class, are not everybody, not even a
+majority; may even be spared to go hunting as usual. WALPOLE hunted like
+anything, yet in WALPOLE'S day Parliament oftener met in November than
+at any other time of year, and with due provision for Christmas
+holidays, sat into early summer. The thing can be done, and ought to be
+done--will be done if TREVELYAN sticks to it. Not nearly such a
+revolution in Procedure as that which, only a couple of years ago,
+established the automatic close of Debate at midnight. Who is there
+would like to go back to the old order of things in this respect?
+
+Got into Committee of Supply to-night on Vote for Houses of Parliament.
+TONY LUMPKIN turned up again. Last Session, in moment of inspiration,
+TONY spluttered forth a joke; likened new staircase in Westminster Hall
+to SPURGEON'S Pulpit. It is just as like the River Thames or Finsbury
+Park; but that's where the fun lies. Incongruity is the soul of wit.
+Everybody laughed last Session when TONY, with much gurgling, produced
+this bantling; brings it out again to-night.
+
+"Can't have too much of a good thing, TOBY," he says, wrestling with his
+exuberant shirt-front, and rubbing his hair the wrong way. "Always had
+my joke, you know, down in the country. Remember the little affair of
+the circuitous drive? This is what you may call my urban class of
+humour. SPURGEON'S Pulpit, Ha, ha!"--and TONY walked off delighted with
+himself.
+
+_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates.
+
+[Illustration: "Spurgeon's Pulpit, Ha, ha!"]
+
+_Thursday._--Pity that prejudice should be allowed to stand in way of
+doing the best thing. Talk just now of pending vacancies on the Bench;
+such talk recurrent; sometimes more talk than vacancy. "But I pass from
+that," as ARTHUR BALFOUR says, when gliding over knotty points of
+question put from Irish Benches. If not vacancy to-morrow, sure to be
+within week, or month, or year. Why not make JEMMY LOWTHER a Judge? It
+is true he has no practice at the Bar; but he was "called," and, I
+believe, went. That is a detail; what we desire in our Judges are, a
+certain impressive air, a striking presence, and an art of rotund
+speech. JAMES has played many parts in his time--Parliamentary Secretary
+to the Poor-Law Board, Under-Secretary for the Colonies, Chief Secretary
+for Ireland, and Steward of the Jockey Club. In this last capacity he, a
+year ago, temporarily assumed judicial functions. How well he bore
+himself! with what dignity! with what awful suavity! with what
+irreproachable integrity!
+
+That this manner is ingrained, is testified to on the occasions, too
+infrequent, when JEMMY rises in House. To-night BUCHANAN asked HOME
+SECRETARY a question, involving disrespect of rabbit-coursing. JAMES,
+the great patron of British sport in all developments, slowly rose, and
+impressively interposed. Was his Right Hon. friend, the HOME SECRETARY,
+aware that rabbit-coursing, conducted under recognised and established
+regulations, affords pastime to large masses of the industrious
+population who are unable, from their pecuniary circumstances, to
+indulge in the more expensive forms of sport? Those were JEMMY'S words,
+each syllable deliberately enunciated. What a study for the aspirant to
+Parliamentary style!
+
+Kindly Earl of RAVENSWORTH, who still haunts the Chamber in which Lord
+ESLINGTON once had a place, chanced to hear this question. Delighted
+with it. Wished he could introduce something of that sort in House of
+Lords. Went about Lobby with his faithful umbrella (companion of his
+daily life, wet or shine) murmuring the musical phrases. "Recognised and
+established regulations," "afford pastime to large masses of industrious
+population," "unable from pecuniary circumstances," "the more expensive
+forms of sport." That all very well, but not quite all. Easy enough to
+catch the trick of speech; who but JEMMY LOWTHER can add the indefinable
+personal gifts which invest even the commonplace with impressiveness?
+
+_Business done._--Lots. Ministers bring in Bills by the half-dozen.
+
+[Illustration: Earl and Umbrella.]
+
+_Friday._--Such _alouettes_! SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, who can't abear
+scandals, brought on alleged iniquity of Government in connection with
+Cleveland Street affair. Got off his speech; ATTORNEY-GENERAL replied;
+then SAGE proposed to offer few supplementary remarks. In course of
+these appeared frank declaration of his private opinion that everything
+the MARKISS says must be taken _cum grano Salis_-BURY; only the way he
+put it was much worse than that. COURTNEY asked him to withdraw.
+"Shan't!" said the SAGE. Then COURTNEY named him (calling him, by the
+way, "Mr. HENRY LABOUCHERE.") OLD MORALITY, rising to height of duty and
+occasion, moved that SAGE be suspended.
+
+"Oh, hang it!" cried Opposition--"can't agree to that."
+
+Divided on proposal; beaten, and SAGE hung up for a week. "He'll be
+pretty well dried by that time," grimly muttered the ATTORNEY-GENERAL,
+whom the SAGE had stroked the wrong way.
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account agreed to.
+
+[Illustration: Grand Historical Picture. Mr. Labouchere struggling with
+his Conscience.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A DOSE OF GREGORY."
+
+It is some time since I have tasted a dramatic mixture so much to my
+liking as Mr. GRUNDY'S Gregory's Mixture, known to the public, and
+likely to be highly popular with the public too, as _A Pair of
+Spectacles_. Art more refined than Mr. HARE'S, as _Benjamin Goldfinch_
+in this piece, has not been seen on the stage for many a long day; nor,
+except in _A Quiet Rubber_, do I remember Mr. HARE having had anything
+like this particular chance of displaying his rare skill as a genuine
+comedian of the very first rank.
+
+[Illustration: The Ruffled Hare. "This is your umbrella!"]
+
+Everyone remembers, or ought to remember, DICKENS'S "_Brothers
+Cheeryble_." Well, _Benjamin Goldfinch_ has all the milk of human
+kindness which characterised these philanthropic Gemini. As to moral
+characteristics, he is these two single gentlemen rolled into one, while
+physically, his exterior rather conjures up the picture of _Harold
+Skimpole_, though his eyes beam with the youthful impetuosity of old
+_Martin Chuzzlewit_ when he caned _Pecksniff_. To this delightfully
+guileless good Samaritan, the rough, nay brutal, _Uncle Gregory_ from
+Sheffield, with a heart apparently as hard as his own ware, is a
+contrast most skilfully brought out by Mr. CHARLES GROVE. Though the
+part of _Uncle Gregory_ does not require the delicate treatment demanded
+by that of _Goldfinch_, yet it might very easily be overdone; but never
+once does Mr. GROVE overshoot the mark, although the author has
+imperilled its success by too frequent repetition of a catch-phrase, "I
+know that man," "I know that father," "I know that friend," and so
+forth, which is sometimes on the verge of becoming wearisome. Indeed,
+even now, I should be inclined to cut out at least half a dozen of these
+variations of the original phrase. His short but sufficient
+representation of the effects of too much lunch on _Uncle Gregory_ is
+masterly. So realistic, in the best sense of the word, is the
+impersonation of these two characters, that one is inclined to resent
+the brutality of _Uncle Gregory_, when one sees the change suddenly
+effected in the sweet and sympathetic nature of _Benjamin Goldfinch_,
+and when we see him suspicious of everybody, and even of his young wife,
+whom he loves so dearly, we murmur, "Oh, what a noble mind is here
+o'erthrown!" And, indeed, but that it is impossible to help laughing
+from first to last, the final scenes of this charming piece, replete
+with touches of real human nature, would send an audience away crying
+with joy, to think of the possible goodness existent in the world, of
+which one occasionally hears, but so seldom sees, except on the stage.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Grove as Gregory the Grater.]
+
+Not a part in this piece is even indifferently played. The two young
+men, Mr. RUDGE HARDING, and Mr. SYDNEY BROUGH, both very good, the
+latter having better dramatic opportunities, and making the most of
+them. Mr. DODSWORTH just the very man for _Friend Lorimer_; Mr. CATHCART
+is _Joyce_, the Butler; and of the two Shoemakers, respectively played
+by Mr. KNIGHT and Mr. BYRON, I can only say, "I know those shoemakers."
+
+As for the Ladies, Miss KATE RORKE looks very pretty, and acts
+charmingly as young _Mrs. Goldfinch_; Miss HORLOCK is very nice as _Lucy
+Lorimer_, delivering herself of a little bit of picturesque sentiment
+about feeding the birds (_Les Petits Oiseaux_ is the title of the old
+French piece, if I remember rightly) in a rather too forcedly ingenuous
+manner, but behaving most naturally in the interrupted courtship scene,
+and being generally very sympathetic. I mustn't omit Miss HUNTER, pink
+of parlour-maids, not the conventional flirty soubrette nor the
+low-comedy waiting-woman, but a self-respecting, responsible young
+person, conscious of her own and her young man's moral rectitude, and
+satisfied with quarter-day and the Post-Office Savings Bank.
+
+Only one single fault have I to find with the piece, and as it cannot be
+entirely remedied, though it might be modified, I will mention it. The
+title is a mistake; that can't be altered now: but the attempt at
+illustrating the double-meaning conveyed in the title by the practical
+"business" of changing the material glasses and thus hampering the actor
+by the necessity of altering his expression and his manner in accordance
+with his deposition or his resumption of these spectacles, seems to me
+to be childish to a degree, and tends towards turning this simple tale
+into a kind of fairy story, in which the spectacles play the part of a
+magic potion or charm, such as Mr. W. S. GILBERT would use in his
+_Creatures of Impulse_, his _Fogarty's Fairy_, and his _Sorcerer_,
+whenever he wishes to bring about a sudden and otherwise inexplicable
+transition from one mental attitude to another, and entirely opposite.
+But for the earnestness of the actors, this _reductio ad Fairydum_ would
+have imparted an air of unreality to the characters and incidents which
+does not belong to them. The plot is a model of neat construction; and,
+to everyone at all in doubt as to where to pass an agreeable evening, I
+say, "Go to the Garrick Theatre." By the way, a Correspondent suggests
+that _A Pair of Spectacles_ is an illustration of "The Hares
+Preservation Bill,"
+
+  JACK IN A BOX.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISCLAIMER.--The Right Hon. Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN, M.P., Anti-muzzle-man
+and Minister of Agriculture, wishes to deny explicitly that, when, by a
+_lapsus calami_, he was made to describe Mr. TAY PAY O'CONNOR as
+"peeping from behind the Speaker's chair," he ever intended to fix upon
+that honourable gentleman the _sobriquet_ of "Peeping Tom"; nor had he
+any idea of sending him to Coventry. What he _did_ say was----but it
+doesn't much matter what "he _did_ say," what he _didn't_ say is so much
+more to the point.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STANLEY AND AFRICAN EXHIBITION.--One of the largest contributors
+will be Mr. BONNY. This sounds well; at all events, it's BONNY. The
+French, who are now welcoming their own private African hero, _le
+Capitaine_ TRIVIER, back to his native land, may be induced to place
+their trophies under Mr. BONNY'S care, as, if Imperialists, they can
+then say they have a BONNY-part in this Exhibition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM AN INDIGNANT CORRESPONDENT.--"Sir,--I sent you a joke three months
+ago, which you have not used. Since then I have made arrangements for
+the joke to appear elsewhere." [What a chance we have lost!--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUERIES.
+
+_He._ "BY THE BYE, TALKING OF OLD TIMES, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT OCCASION
+WHEN I MADE SUCH AN AWFUL ASS OF MYSELF?"
+
+_She._ "_WHICH?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BIG GUN!"
+
+_Grand Old Gunner loquitur:--_
+
+  'Tis a regular "Mons Meg" of a cannon!
+    The swabs, they have been every one,
+  Very hard the Grand Old (Gunner) Man on,
+    But what will they think of _this_ gun?
+  Double shotted, and charged to the muzzle,
+    And trained by my hands and my eye,
+  The foes I conceive it will puzzle,
+              And tempt them to fly.
+
+  Mere skirmishing, up to the present,
+    With pop-guns, and flint-locks, and such;
+  But now! They will not find it pleasant,
+    When once this huge touch-hole I touch.
+  Mighty CAESAR! I guess they won't like it;
+    Great SCOTT! won't it just raise a din?
+  And don't they just wish they could spike it
+              Before we begin?
+
+  The fun of it is, they have furnished
+    The filling themselves, unaware.
+  The shot they've cast, polished, and burnished,
+    The powder were prompt to prepare.
+  It's pitiful, quite, their position,
+    To see, the unfortunate elves!
+  Their carefully-stored ammunition
+              Thus turned on themselves.
+
+  Their batteries big it should batter,
+    Their trenches should burst and blow up,
+  Their forces allied it should scatter,
+    It's worse than an Armstrong or Krupp.
+  Chain-shot for swift slaughter's not in it,
+    For spreading it's better than grape,
+  They'll all be smashed up in a minute,
+              Scarce one can escape.
+
+  Now, MORLEY, my boy, and brave PARNELL,
+    _I'll_ lay it; just follow my hand.
+  That plain will soon look like a charnel,
+    With all that remains of their band;
+  The "fragments of him called McCARTY"
+    (Referred to, I think, in the song)
+  Were huge chunks to the scraps that their Party
+              Will show before long.
+
+  They shall see what I can do, when ready,
+    As Grand Old (Artillery) Man.
+  Right, PARNELL! left, MORLEY! Now, steady!!!
+    Stop! Just one last peep, whilst I can!
+  I _do_ hope, dear boys, there's no blunder;
+    I _think_ it is loaded all right.
+  Are they horribly frightened, I wonder?
+              Well, now for a sight!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE BIG GUN!"
+
+GRAND OLD GUNNER (_inspecting Cannon_). "IT'S BEAUTIFULLY LOADED! WHY,
+THE MERE LOOK OF IT IS ENOUGH TO SHAKE SM-TH'S 'RESOLUTION.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD FRIENDS AND COUNSEL.
+
+Our old friend MADDISON MORTON'S _Box and Cox_ runs SHAKSPEARE'S works
+generally very near in the matter of daily application. But fancy its
+being quoted as an authority by Sir HORACE DAVEY, in his masterly reply
+to t'other side in the Bishop of LINCOLN'S case. Yet so it was. "Bishop
+COSIN," said Sir HORACE, "had erroneously assumed that a letter had been
+written by CALVIN to KNOX, whereas it had been really written to an
+Englishman named Cox." So it was a mistake of the postman, after all,
+and it only wants the introduction of the name of Box to make the whole
+thing perfect and satisfactory. "It will be within the recollection of
+the Court," Sir HORACE might have continued, "that Cox was prevented
+from becoming the husband of PENELOPE ANNE, relict of WILLIAM WIGGINS,
+Proprietor of Bathing Machines at Margate and Ramsgate, by the sudden
+and totally unforeseen union of the lady in question with one KNOX,
+whose residence, as the Musical Revised Version has it, was usually 'in
+the Docks'; and with this marriage of PENELOPE ANNE WIGGINS with Mr.
+KNOX of the Docks, Messrs. BOX AND COX professed themselves entirely and
+completely satisfied, as it is my earnest hope that Your Grace, and My
+Lords the Bishops, will also be. And should this be the result, then I
+assure Your Grace that there will not be a happier party sit down this
+night to supper than 'READ and others,' of which fact you may take your
+Davey."
+
+On the Learned Counsel resuming his seat, there would have been
+considerable applause, which, of course, would have been instantly
+suppressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES "IN GLOBO."--_Dorothy_ was long ago taken off the stage of the
+Prince of Wales's to make room for _Paul Jones_. But another DOROTHY has
+recently reappeared at the Globe Theatre in the pretty Shakspearian
+fairy-play entitled, _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, wherein DOROTHY DENE
+enacts the part of _Hippolyta_. By the way, the lady who used to speak
+of that immortal work, _Dixon's Johnsonary_, the other day referred to
+SHAKSPEARE as being "contemporaneous with that great wit--dear me--what
+was his name?--who wrote _Every Man in his own Humour_--oh, I
+remember--JOHN BENSON." Eminently satisfactory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY TAILOR.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+    "The St. Petersburgh tailors have hit upon an effectual device for
+    obtaining payment of their bills. Immense black-boards are hung up
+    in the most conspicuous place in the reception-room; thereon are
+    chalked, in letters as big as arrow-headed inscriptions, the names
+    of their hopelessly-indebted clients, and the amount of their
+    indebtedness."
+
+_Daily Paper._
+
+  Who always seemed serene and bland;
+  Who never asked for "cash in hand,"
+  Quite pleased that my account should "stand"?
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who catered for the gilded throng,
+  Who chid me when my taste was wrong,
+  Whose credit--and whose price--was long?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who chatted when I felt depressed,
+  Who proffered wine with friendly zest,
+  Whose weeds were ever of the best?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who with sartorial oil anoints
+  My vanity, who pads my joints,
+  And fortifies my weakest points?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  But who in future, much I fear,
+  Will greet me with no words of cheer,
+  But talk of "settling"--language queer?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who silently will point his hand
+  To figures white on black-board grand.
+  Where all my unpaid "items" stand?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll thus expose me to my peers,
+  Bring on me jibes, and flouts, and sneers,
+  Male sniggerings, and female tears?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll frown when I suggest a loan,
+  And ne'er produce Clicquot or Beaune,
+  But for his "checks" demand my own?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll take my "measures" when he wills,
+  But only if I take his "bills,"
+  And add one more to human ills?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKEN AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+MY DEAR EDITOR,
+
+It was most kind of you to ask me to go to the St. James's Theatre, the
+other evening, to see Mrs. LANGTRY, after I had told you that since my
+recovery from the influenza, I had unfortunately lost my memory. "Don't
+you know anything about _As You Like It_?" you asked. I pondered deeply,
+and then replied, that I half fancied it was a GERMAN REED'S
+Entertainment, that would have gone better had it included a part for
+Mr. CORNEY GRAIN. You told me I was wrong, but intimated that my
+ignorance on the subject would make my notice the more impartial. So I
+went.
+
+As to the play--was I pleased with _As You Like It_? Well, I have known
+worse, but I have seen better. It seemed a mixture of prose and verse,
+with several topical allusions that appeared, somehow or other, to have
+lost their point. For instance, a dull dog of a jester (played in a
+funereal fashion by Mr. SUGDEN) stopped the action of the piece, for
+what seemed to me (no doubt the time was actually less) some
+three-quarters of an hour, while he explained the difference between the
+"retort courteous" and "the reproof valiant." The plot was as thin as a
+wafer, but as it is, no doubt, generally known, I need not further refer
+to it. Mrs. LANGTRY was a most graceful and pleasing _Rosalind_. She
+acted with an earnestness worthy of a better cause, and afforded not a
+trace of the amateur. Of Miss VIOLET ARMBRUSTER as _Hymen_, I might say,
+with a friend who spent several hours in knocking off the impromptu--
+
+  TO A SEASONABLE VIOLET.
+
+  Had always Hymen
+    Such mien, such carriage,
+  You ne'er would fly, men,
+    The state of marriage!
+
+[Illustration: A New Piece.]
+
+Mr. LAWRENCE CAUTLEY, as _Orlando_, had an uphill part. At times (thanks
+to the author) he appeared in situations that were absolutely
+ridiculous. For instance, he leaves an old retainer (capitally played by
+that soundest of sound actors, Mr. EVERILL) dying of starvation, and,
+sword in hand, appears at a pic-nic of the banished _Duke_, to demand
+refreshment. "I almost die for food, and let me have it," says
+_Orlando_, and is welcomed by the _Duke_ to his table. And what does
+_Orlando_ do? Does he seize the boar's head, or something equally
+attractive, and rush back to his fainting servitor with the prize? Not a
+bit of it! He leisurely delivers fourteen lines of blank verse about the
+"shade of melancholy boughs," "the creeping hours of time," and
+"blushing, hides his sword!" In my neighbourhood happened to be one of
+the greatest advocates of our generation, and I heard this legal
+luminary whisper, "while that fellow is talking, the old servant will
+die of starvation," and the legal luminary was entirely and absolutely
+right. _Adam would_ have died of starvation while his garrulous master
+was posturing. A country wench called _Audrey_ was admirably
+impersonated by Miss MARION LEA, and the remainder of the cast was, on
+the whole, satisfactory. Stay, it is only just that I should single out
+for special commendation Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER, who played a character,
+to whom reference was frequently made as "the melancholy _Jaques_,"
+faultlessly. Here again the author committed an indiscretion. _Jaques_
+(by the way, why was not Mr. SUGDEN'S _role_ described as, "the more
+melancholy _Touchstone_?") is permitted to stop the action of the piece
+to deliver some thirty lines commencing with the trite truism, "all the
+world's a stage." Mr. BOURCHIER spoke his words with excellent
+discretion, but I cannot help thinking that, in the cause of Art, the
+speech should have been cut out, and I have no doubt, that Mr.
+BOURCHIER, as a true artist, will cordially agree with me.
+
+And so, to quote Mrs. LANGTRY in the Epilogue, "farewell;" but in spite
+of what you have said to the contrary, I am still of opinion, my dear
+Editor, that _As You Like It_ must have been originally intended for Mr.
+and Mrs. GERMAN REED'S Entertainment, minus Mr. CORNEY GRAIN.
+
+  Sincerely Yours,
+    A CORRESPONDENT WITHOUT A MEMORY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART-AUCTIONEER'S RELIGION, "CHRISTIE-anity."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ASTRAL COMPLICATION.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+  In periods of sleep, despair,
+    Of aberration, we have guessed
+  We were not altogether there,
+    But seldom known where was the rest.
+
+  Our Astral Bodies wander far,
+    Whenever they will not be missed.
+  Strange things in earth and heaven are
+    For the devout theosophist.
+
+  Young  WILFRID wooed the wealth of  CLARE;
+    But ah, in spite of golden dearth,
+  His mind and heart approved more fair
+     KATE'S intellect and moral worth.
+
+  "Prudence my steps inspire!" he said;
+    And automatically to
+  The residence of  CLARE he sped,
+    And gained an instant's interview.
+
+  "Fairest," he cried, "my homage deep
+    Ah, not your rank, your wealth command!
+  These idle baubles, lady, keep.
+    Give me alone this lily hand!"
+
+  "I will," she said. (The dinner gong
+    That moment sounded.) "Haste away;
+  But meet me in the social throng
+    To-morrow--that is, Saturday."
+
+  That self-same hour--the clock struck eight--
+    In Holloway began to muse
+  The charming and the gifted  KATE
+    On logarithms most abstruse.
+
+  Her door stood wide! Who entered there?
+    'Twas WILFRID spoke in hollow tone.
+  "With me life's logarithms share,
+    KATE, that I cannot solve alone!"
+
+  "I will," she answered. "But begone!
+    Strange chaperons inspect, explore.
+  The Principal, the stairs is on!"
+    He sighed, and vanished from the door.
+
+  Next eve, amid the social throng,
+    Serene stood CLARE at WILFRID'S side;
+  And dreaming not that aught was wrong,
+    She gaily questioned and replied.
+
+  Till WILFRID suddenly was 'ware,
+    Close by, of a familiar face,
+  And realised with wild despair
+    All, all the horror of the case!
+
+  "Oh, what is wrong?" cried CLARE in awe.
+    Calmly, he answered. "It was He,
+  My Astral Body, that she saw.
+    Oh, which am I? Oh, woe is me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EAST-ERN ART IN BOND STREET.--"So let the world jog along as it will,
+I'll be Japanese-y still! Japanese-y, Japanese-y. I'll be Japanese-y
+still!" Can't help singing when we see Mr. EAST'S pictures of Japan at
+the Fine Art Society's Gallery. This clever artist sojourned in that
+country from March to September. He kept his eyes open and his hand ever
+busy, and has brought back more than a hundred pictures--fresh,
+brilliant, and original. Such marvellous aspects of scenery, such wealth
+of colour, such novelty do we behold, that we long to start off at once
+to Yokohama, to Nikko, to Hakone, to Tokiyo, or any one of these
+delightful places--singing. "Let's quit this cold climate so dull and
+Britannical, And revel in sunshine and colour Japanical!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBABLE PUBLICATION.--Companion work to _Sardine and the Sardes_, by
+the same author, to be entitled _Sardinia and the Sardines_, illustrated
+in oils, and sold in tincases. Great reduction (at lunch time) on taking
+a quantity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES AT LAMBETH. (_As seen by
+Mr. Punch's Artist in a Fog._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES.
+
+Lambeth is in darkness. A Policeman with a bull's-eye prevents my
+driver's energetic endeavours to drive through the Palace wall. I
+stumble into the large hall known as the Library. "Here," said I to
+myself, "is taking place the historic trial of the Bishop of LINCOLN."
+The weird scene strongly resembles the Dream Trial in _The Bells_, where
+the judges, counsel, and all concerned, are in a fog. Will the limelight
+flash suddenly upon the chief actor, the Bishop of LINCOLN, as he takes
+the stage and re-acts the part that has caused the trial? Archbishop
+BANCROFT founded this library, so theatrical associations are natural.
+The only lights in the long and lofty library (excepting the clerical
+and legal) are a dozen or two wax candles and a few oil-lamps, but of
+daylight, gaslight, or electric, nothing. I can hear the voice of JEUNE,
+Q.C., the JEUNE _premier_ of this ecclesiastical drama.
+
+They have commenced proceedings. In this, the Archbishop's Court, they,
+very properly, begin with prayer. So does the House of Commons. "Any
+special form of orison?" I ask in a whisper of the JEUNE _premier_, Q.C.
+"Yes," he answers in a subdued tone. "Look in your prayer-book for 'form
+of prayer to be used by those at sea.' That's it." Then he has to
+continue his argument.
+
+At the further end of the library we have the Church, represented by an
+Archbishop and five Bishops; also a Judge, in a full-bottomed wig, who
+has evidently got in by mistake. Then we have the Law, represented by a
+row of Q.C.'s, their juniors, and attendants; and then a chorus of
+ordinary people, and common, or Thames Policemen. But where's the Bishop
+of LINCOLN? Not among the Thames Policemen? Not in the Dock? Where? Aha!
+I see him. I focus him. I sketch him. _Veni, vidi, vici!_ I show result
+on paper to Official. "Oh, no," he says; "that's not the Bishop, that's
+THINGUMMY," a Clerk of the Court, or something. Hang THINGUMMY! Official
+disappears. Lights, ho! a link on Lincoln! I determine to find him. The
+Bishops sit round three tables, on a raised platform. The Archbishop of
+CANTERBURY sits in the centre; on his right is the mysterious Judge, in
+full wig, and red robes; this is the Vicar-General, Sir JAMES PARKER
+DEANE, Q.C.; next to him sits Assessor Dr. ATLAY, Bishop of HEREFORD,
+who looks anything but happy; his hair has the appearance of being
+impelled by a strong draught, and his hand is to his face, as if the
+draught had produced toothache. The portly Bishop of OXFORD is on his
+right, and like the other corner man, the Bishop of SALISBURY, he
+scribbles away at a great rate in a huge manuscript book, or roll of
+foolscap. On the left of the Archbishop sits the Bishop of LONDON, who
+severely questions the Counsel, and evidently relishes acting the
+school-master over again. The Bishop of ROCHESTER sitting on LONDON'S
+left, supplies the comedy element, so far as facial expression goes; his
+mouth is wide open, and he holds some papers in front of him in an
+attitude which suggests that he will presently break forth into song.
+But where, oh where, is the Bishop of LINCOLN? Ah, I see him. I sketch
+him. I write his name under sketch, and show it to one of the Reporters.
+He scribbles across it, "Wrong." I write, "Where is he?" He waves me
+away. I believe the Bishop is at the other side of the long table, by
+his Counsel. There is a candle in front of him. I make my way to the
+other side. I find the Bishop is an old lady! I write, "Where does the
+Bishop of LINCOLN sit?" on a piece of paper, and take it to an Official.
+He cannot see to read it, so some time is lost while he finds a
+convenient candle. He looks towards me, and points to a corner.
+
+Good! At last! There is an old gentleman, in plain clothes it is true,
+but still otherwise every inch a Bishop or a Butler, or perhaps both in
+one,--say Bishop BUTLER. I have just finished a careful study of him,
+when he turns round and whispers, "Please, Sir, can you tell me which is
+the Bishop of LINCOLN?" I shake my head angrily, and move away. I'll
+bide my time. JEUNE _premier_ is answering the hundred-and-seventh
+question of the Bishop of LONDON, and is being "supported" by Sir WALTER
+PHILLIMORE. It amuses me to hear these two clever Counsel, in this
+natural and ecclesiastical fog, carrying on an animated legal
+conversation with each other, ignoring the Bishops; not that the latter
+seem to mind, as they scribble merrily away at their folios. Are their
+Right Reverend Lordships engaged in writing their Sunday sermons?
+
+But where is _the_ Bishop? He ought to be near his Counsel. The severe
+Sir HORACE DAVEY sits writing letters; next to him the affable Dr.
+TRISTRAM, then the rubicund Mr. DANKWERTS, but no Bishop. One o'clock!
+The Bishops rise for Lunch and Levee. "Where, oh where! is the Bishop of
+LINCOLN?" I ask JEUNE _premier_. "Quick--I want to sketch him before he
+leaves!"
+
+"The Bishop!" returns the First Ecclesiastical Young Man, smiling. "Oh,
+he never comes near the place." _Exit_ JEUNE _premier_. I appeal to the
+austere Sir HORACE DAVEY. "I can't tell you," says sir HORACE--"DAVEY
+_sum, non OEdipus_." And off he goes, to argue another sort of a case
+about Baird language and the Pelican Club. He will say no more. On this
+occasion only, HORACE is TACITUS. I do not find the Bishop, and quit
+Lambeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIKELY--VERY!
+
+"CONFOUND THESE BLACKS! THEY FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE!" "YES, MY DEAR
+FELLOW; THEY TAKE YOU FOR A MISSIONARY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITTLE DUC AND HIS BIG BILL.
+
+The _restaurateur_ evidently considered that he "didn't kill a pig every
+day," when he stuck _Le Petit Duc_ for this now historic bill, which, as
+given in full by the _Figaro_, _Mr. Punch_ reproduces here for general
+edification:--
+
+    Un artichaut barigoule   12fr.
+    Un chateaubriand         16 "
+    1 sole                   10 "
+    1 noix de veau           10 "
+    1 homard                 25 "
+    1 salade                  3 "
+    1 caneton aux navets     25 "
+    6 ecrevisses             15 "
+    Hors d'oeuvre             5 "
+    Une assiette de fruits   16 "
+
+Whenever it may be the lot of any distinguished Member of the Upper
+House to be sent to the Tower of London, or a Member of the Lower to be
+shut up in the Clock Tower, the Provisional Government for the time
+being will know what to charge for its provisions. The _restaurateur_
+addressed his little account, "_A Sa Mageste (sic) Louis
+Philippe-Robert_ ('ROBERT' was in it) _Duc d'Orleans_." In styling _Le
+Petit Duc_ "His Majesty" the artful _restaurateur_ evidently had in view
+a future _restauration_. The _restaurateur_, who expected to provide the
+young Duke of ORLEANS with a second dinner, of course quoted SHAKSPEARE,
+and exclaimed enthusiastically--
+
+    "I must go victual Orleans forthwith!"
+
+_Henry V., Part I., Act I., Sc. 5._
+
+But the youthful Duc or Duckling wasn't to be caught and stuffed a
+second time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SATURDAY SERIES.--"Hunters' Dams" was the heading of an article in
+last week's _Saturday Review_. As the counter-jumper politely says,
+"What will be the next article?" We look forward with interest to
+"Shooters' Swearings," "Anglers' Affirmations," "Coursers' Curses," and
+a few others that may suggest themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL SOCIETY OF PAINTER-ETCHERS.--At the pleasant Gallery, 5A, Pall
+Mall East, is a good show of needle-work. One of the most prolific
+contributors is a certain clever gentleman whose name may possibly be
+familiar to some of our readers, one REMBRANDT VAN RHYN, who sends no
+less than a hundred works.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. III.--THE YOUNG M.P.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+For the proper production of the young M.P. there are many receipts, but
+only one is genuine. Take a rickety boy, and provide him with a wealthy
+father, slightly flavoured with a good social position and political
+tastes. Send him to a public school, having first eliminated as much
+youthfulness as is compatible with continued existence. Add some
+flattering masters, and a distaste for games. Season with the idea that
+he is born for a great career. Let him be, if possible, verbose and
+argumentative, and inclined to contradict his elders. Eliminate more
+youth and transfer hot to a University. Add more verbosity, and a strong
+extract of priggishness. Throw in a degree, and two speeches at the
+Union. Set him to simmer for two years in a popular constituency, and
+serve him up, a chattering pedant of twenty-four, at Westminster.
+
+In the course of the contest which resulted in his return to the House
+of Commons, the young M.P. will have tasted the sweets of advertisement
+by seeing his name constantly placarded in huge letters on coloured
+posters. He will have been constantly referred to as "Our popular young
+Candidate," and he will thus have become convinced that the welfare of
+his country imperatively demands his immediate presence and permanent
+continuance in Parliament. When the genial butcher who, besides
+retailing the carcases of sheep and oxen, sits in the Town Council, and
+presides over one of the local political associations, declared, as he
+often has at other contests and of other candidates, that never, in the
+course of his political career, had he listened to more mature wisdom,
+adorned with nobler eloquence, than that which had fallen from "Our
+young and popular Candidate," he was merely satisfying a burning desire
+for rhetorical expansion, without any particular regard to accuracy of
+statement. But the candidate himself greedily gulps that lump of
+flattery, and all the praise which is the conventional sauce for every
+political gander. On this he grows fat, and being, in addition, puffed
+up by a very considerable conceit of his own, he eventually presents an
+aspect which is not pleasing, and assumes (towards those who are not
+voters in the Constituency) a manner which can scarcely be described as
+modest.
+
+The majority of his Constituents regard him simply as an automatic
+machine for the regular distribution of large subscriptions. He regards
+himself as a being of great importance and capacity, and endowed with
+the power of acting as he likes, whilst the local wirepullers look upon
+him as a convenient mask, behind which they may the more effectively
+carry on their own petty schemes of personal ambition.
+
+As a Candidate, moreover, the young M.P. will have discovered that the
+triumph of his party depends not merely or even chiefly upon the due
+exposition of those political principles with which he may have lately
+crammed himself by the aid of a stray volume of MILL, and a _Compendium
+of Political History_, but rather upon the careful observance of local
+custom and local etiquette, and the ceaseless effort to trump his
+adversary's every trick. He will thus have become the President of the
+local Glee Club, the Patron of a Scientific Association, and a local Dog
+Show, the Vice-President of four Cricket Clubs and of five Football
+Clubs, a Member of the Committee of the Hospital Ball, and of the
+Society for Improving the breed of Grey Parrots; to say nothing of the
+Guild for Promoting the happiness of Middle-aged Housemaids, and the
+local Association for the Distribution of Penny Buns, at cheap prices,
+to the deserving poor. Moreover, before he has discovered the true
+relation of benefit societies to politics, he will find himself a Member
+of the Odd Fellows, the Foresters, the Hearts of Oak, the Druids, and
+the Loyal and Ancient Order of Free and Accepted Buffaloes, with the
+right, conferred by the last-named Society, of being addressed on lodge
+nights as if he were a Baronet, or, at least, a Knight.
+
+Having thus met and shaken hands with the working-man during his hours
+of festive relaxation, the young M.P. will be properly qualified for
+discussing those social questions which form the chief part of every
+aspirant's political baggage. Being gifted with a happy power of
+enunciating pompous platitudes with an air of profound conviction, and
+of spreading butter churned from the speeches of his leaders on the
+bread of political economy, he will be highly thought of at meetings of
+political leagues of either sex, or of both combined. It is necessary
+that he should catch the eye of the Speaker during his first Session. He
+will afterwards talk to his Constituents of the forms of the House in
+the tone of one who is familiar with mysteries, and is accustomed to
+mingle on terms of equality with the great and famous. He will bring in
+a Bill which an M.P. who was once young, has abandoned, and, finding his
+measure blocked, will discourse with extreme bitterness of the
+obstruction by which the efforts of rising political genius are
+oppressed.
+
+In London Society the young M.P. may be recognised by an air of
+conscious importance as of one who carries the burden of the State upon
+his shoulders, and desires to impress the fact upon others. He may be
+flattered by being consulted as to the secret intentions of foreign
+Cabinets or the prospects of party divisions. He will then speak at
+length of his leaders as "we," and will probably announce, in a voice
+intended not so much for his immediate neighbours as for the thoughtless
+crowd beyond, that "we shall smash them in Committee," and that
+"AKERS-DOUGLAS" (or ARNOLD MORLEY, as the case may be) "has asked me to
+answer the fellows on the other side to-morrow. I am not sure I shall
+speak," the MS. of his speech being already complete. On the following
+day he will speak during the dinner-hour to an audience of four, and,
+having escaped being counted out, will be greatly admired by his
+Constituents. He will assiduously attend all social functions, and will
+not object to seeing his name in the paragraphs of Society papers. It is
+not absolutely necessary that the young M.P. should be bald, but it is
+essential that he should wear a frock-coat. It is well, also, that his
+dress should be neat, but not ostentatiously spruce, lest the more
+horny-handed of his supporters should take umbrage at an offensive
+assumption of superiority over those whose votes keep him in place.
+
+Custom demands that the young M.P. should travel extensively, and that
+he should enlighten his home-staying Constituents as to the designs of
+Barataria, the labour question in Lilliput, and the prospects of
+federation in Laputa, by means of letters addressed to the local
+newspaper. He will also interview foreign potentates and statesmen, and
+cause the fact to be published through the medium of REUTER. On his
+return, he will write a book, and deliver a lecture before the Mutual
+Improvement Society of the town he represents. He will then marry, in
+order that he may attend Mothers' meetings by deputy, and cause his wife
+to make lavish purchases at a local bazaar, which he will have opened.
+Shortly afterwards he will select an unpopular fad, which certain
+members of his own party approve, and will take a vigorous stand against
+it on principle, thus earning the commendation of all parties as a man
+of independent views, and unswerving rectitude.
+
+If, at a subsequent election, he should chance to be rejected at the
+poll, he will publicly profess that he is delighted to be relieved of an
+uncongenial burden, whilst assuring his friends in private that the
+country in which able and honest men are neglected must be in a very bad
+way. He will, however, publish an address to the electors, in which he
+will claim a moral victory, and will assure them that it will ever be
+one of his proudest memories to have been connected with their
+constituency. He will spend his period of retirement on the stump, and,
+unless he be speedily furnished with another Constituency, will
+entertain doubts as to the sanity of his party leaders. Subsequently he
+will find himself again in the House of Commons, and, having been spoken
+of as a young man for about a quarter of a century, will at last become
+an Under-Secretary of State, and a grandfather, in the same year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER SINGERS.--Sir,--In accordance with your request, I visited the
+Meistersingers' Club (an institution which, seemingly from its name, has
+been established as a memorial to WAGNER), where a "dramatic
+performance" was given last week that had many points of interest to the
+languid pleasure-seeker, wearily thirsting for fresh sources of
+amusement. The evening's entertainment commenced with a play obligingly
+described by the author as a farce, which was followed by a new and
+original operetta, containing some very pretty music by Mr. PERCY REEVE,
+with the exquisitely droll title of _The Crusader and the Craven_. The
+one lady and two gentlemen who took part in this were, from a prompter's
+point of view, nearly perfect. Mr. R. HENDON as _Sir Rupert de
+Malvoisie_ (the Crusader) suggested, by his accent and gestures, that he
+must have come from the East--how far East, it boots not to inquire.
+Miss FLORENCE DARLEY was a good _Lady Alice_, and Mr. J. A. SHALE an
+efficient "Craven." Later on an operatic performance is threatened. If
+the thrilling series of arrangements on the back of the Programme is to
+be accepted as authentic, the members of the Club will be invited to
+have _Patience_. It would be difficult to find a more appropriate
+accessory to a Night with the Meistersingers. No one asked me to have
+any supper, Yours, A HAND AT CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari,
+Volume 98, March 8, 1890., by Various
+
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diff --git a/30056.zip b/30056.zip
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #30056 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/30056)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari, Volume 98,
+March 8, 1890., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or, the London Charivari, Volume 98, March 8, 1890.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2009 [EBook #30056]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MAR 8, 1890 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 98.
+
+  MARCH 8, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "This is what the County Council's Licensing Bill for
+Places of Entertainment did _not_ intend, as, according to the latest
+authoritative explanation, the L. C. C. does not consider Theatres as
+coming under the head of "places of entertainment". Rather hard on the
+Theatres!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL AND THE LYCEUM THEATRE.
+
+APPEAL OF MR. HENRY IRVING. RESULT.
+
+(_A not impossible Extract from Next Year's Morning Papers._)
+
+Yesterday, before the Theatres Committee of the London County Council,
+the appeal of MR. HENRY IRVING (the well-known actor and manager) against
+the decision of the Sub-Committee to refuse a licence to the Lyceum
+Theatre, came on for hearing.
+
+After MR. HENRY IRVING (who appeared in person) had addressed the
+Committee at some length, dwelling upon the character of the pieces he
+had produced during his management, and the care and expense with which
+they had been mounted, several members of the Committee expressed a wish
+to put questions to him, which MR. IRVING promised to answer to the best
+of his ability.
+
+MR. HECKLEBURY. I think you told us that _Hamlet_ was one of your
+favourite parts? Is it not the fact that the chief character in the play
+drives his _fiancée_ to madness and suicide by his cruelty, slays her
+father and brother, together with his own step-father, and procures the
+death of two of his school-fellows?
+
+MR. IRVING admitted that this was so. (_Sensation._)
+
+MR. HECKLEBURY. That is all I wanted to ask you.
+
+MR. FUSSLER. I understand that you have produced a play called _Othello_
+on more than one occasion; perhaps you will inform us whether the
+following passages are in your opinion suitable for public declamation?
+(Mr. FUSSLER _then proceeded to read several extracts to which he
+objected on account of their offensive signification_.)
+
+MR. IRVING protested that SHAKSPEARE, and not himself, was responsible
+for such passages.
+
+MR. FUSSLER. Unfortunately, SHAKSPEARE is not before us--and you are.
+You admit that you have produced a play containing lines such as
+I have just read? That is enough for Us.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. Unless I am mistaken, the hero in _Othello_ is not only a
+murderer but a suicide?
+
+MR. IRVING. Undoubtedly. (_Sensation._)
+
+MR. MEDLAM. We have heard something of a piece called _The Bells_. I
+seldom attend theatres myself, except in the exercise of my public
+functions, but I do happen to have seen that particular play on one
+occasion. Does my memory mislead me in saying, that you committed a
+brutal and savage murder in the course of the drama?
+
+MR. IRVING said that, as a matter of fact, the murder took place many
+years before the curtain rose--otherwise, the Member's memory was
+entirely accurate.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. Whenever the murder was committed, it remains undetected,
+and the criminal escapes all penalty--is not that the case?
+
+MR. IRVING urged that the Nemesis was worked out by the murderer's own
+conscience.
+
+MR. MEDLAM said that was all nonsense; a person's conscience could not
+be made visible on the stage, and here a murderer was represented as
+dying several years after his crime, in his own bedroom, respected by
+all who knew him. Did MR. IRVING intend to tell them that such a
+spectacle was calculated to deter an intending murderer, or did he not?
+That was the plain question.
+
+MR. IRVING thought that intending murderers formed so inappreciable an
+element in his usual audiences, that they might safely be left out of
+the calculation.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. But you might have an intending murderer among your
+audience, I suppose?
+
+MR. IRVING'S reply was not audible in the reporters' gallery.
+
+MR. PARSEEKER. I should like to hear what you have to say about
+duelling, MR. IRVING--I mean, is it, or is it not, a practice sanctioned
+by the laws of this country?
+
+MR. IRVING said that he did not quite understand the drift of such a
+question; but, since they asked him, he should say that duelling was
+distinctly illegal.
+
+MR. PARSEEKER. You will understand the drift of my question directly,
+MR. IRVING. I have made it my business to acquaint myself with your
+dramatic career, and I find that you have played as hero at various
+times in _Romeo and Juliet_, _Hamlet_, _The Corsican Brothers_, and _The
+Dead Heart_, besides _Macbeth_. Am I wrong in saying that in each of
+these pieces you fight a duel?
+
+MR. IRVING. No. I fight a duel in each of them, except _Macbeth_, in
+which there is no duel, only a hand-to-hand combat. I do commit a murder
+in _Macbeth_.
+
+A MEMBER. MR. IRVING'S tastes seem rather to run in the direction of
+murders. (_Laughter._)
+
+After the report of the Official Censor upon the general tone of the
+Lyceum plays during the last fifteen years had been read a second time
+and adopted, the Chairman, without more than a formal consultation with
+his colleagues, proceeded to announce the decision of the Committee. He
+said that they had not come to their present conclusion without long and
+anxious deliberation. They were now the constituted guardians of the
+public morals, and must fulfil their functions without fear or favour.
+(_Applause._) They must look at the character of the performances at
+each theatre, considering only whether they were or were not beneficial
+to morality. In the past, under a _régime_ happily now at an end, public
+opinion had been shamefully lax, and official control purely nominal;
+plays had been repeatedly performed, and even welcomed as classics,
+which he did not hesitate to say were full of incidents that were
+revolting to all well-regulated minds. SHAKSPEARE, who, with his
+undoubted talents, should have known better, was, so far from being an
+exception, one of the worst offenders. The Council must free themselves
+from the shackles of conventional tolerance. (_Applause._) Evil was
+evil--murder was murder--coarseness was coarseness--whether treated by
+SHAKSPEARE or anybody else. Nor could the Committee shut their eyes to
+the fact that Mr. IRVING'S histrionic ability, and his popularity with
+those who attended his exhibitions could only intensify the injurious
+effect which such representations must have upon young and
+impressionable minds. In his opinion, much as he regretted having to say
+so, the Lyceum was nothing less than a School of Murder. It aggravated
+rather than extenuated the evil to be told, as they had been told, that
+all these deeds of violence had been represented on the stage with every
+aid which money, art and research could give. Again, was it desirable
+that the Democracy should derive their ideas of the family life of
+crowned heads from being admitted into the scandalous secrets of the
+household of _Hamlet_? Or did they wish to see an injured husband
+following the example of _Othello_? A thousand times no. These things
+must be stopped. The Council was very far from taking a Puritanical view
+of the question--(_applause_)--they fully recognised that the stage was
+a necessary social evil, and, as such, must be tolerated until the
+public taste was sufficiently purified to refuse it further countenance;
+but, in the meantime, the Council must insure that such exhibitions as
+they were prepared to sanction were of a kind consistent with the
+preservation of good manners, decorum, and of the public
+peace--(_applause_)--none of which conditions, in the unanimous opinion
+of the Committee, was fulfilled by the class of entertainment which the
+appellant IRVING had, by his own admission, persisted in providing. On
+those grounds alone the Committee dismissed the Appeal, and declared the
+Lyceum Theatre closed till further notice. He might say, however, that
+they might possibly be induced, after a certain interval, to reconsider
+the question, and allow the theatre to be reopened on MR. IRVING'S
+undertaking to produce dramas of an entirely unobjectionable character
+in future. (MR. IRVING begged for some more definite leading as to the
+dramas alluded to.) The Chairman said that he had been informed that an
+illustrated periodical called _Punch_ was publishing a series of Moral
+Dramas, in which the sentiments and incidents were alike irreproachable.
+Let MR. IRVING promise to confine himself to these, and the Council would
+see about it. ( MR. IRVING then withdrew, without, however, having given
+any definite undertaking, and the Committee adjourned.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PUTTING HIS NOSE OUT OF JOINT."
+
+_Engineering (to Little Tour Eiffel)._ "WHERE ARE YOU, NOW, MY LITTLE
+MAN?"]
+
+    "The Eiffel Tower is 1000 feet high; if the Forth Bridge were put up
+    on end, it would be 5280 feet in height. The tower has in its
+    construction 7500 tons of iron; the bridge has 53,000 tons of the
+    best steel. The tower was made in about six months; the bridge has
+    required seven years. The Eiffel Tower is a wonderful thing; but,
+    then, how much more wonderful is the Forth Bridge!"--_Illustrated
+    London News._
+
+  _The Bridge._ You took lots of beating, my sky-scraping friend,
+          But  BENJAMIN BAKER has compassed _that_ end;
+          I am sure Monsieur  EIFFEL himself would allow
+          That the Bridge licks the Tower; so where are you _now_?
+
+  _The Tower._ _J'y suis et j'y reste_, my big friend and great rival,
+          I hope for a long and a glorious survival;
+          But don't mind admitting--all great souls are frank--
+          That you--for the present at least--take first rank
+          'Midst the mighty achievements adorning our sphere
+          Of our latest of Titans, the Great Engineer.
+
+  _The Bridge._ All hail, Engineering! No wonder you're proud
+          Of a work in whose honour all praises are loud;
+          No wonder 'tis opened by princes and peers
+          Amidst technical triumph and popular cheers;
+          No wonder that  BENJAMIN BAKER feels glad,
+          Sir  JOHN FOWLER and  COOPER quite other than sad.
+          'Twas a very big job, 'tis a very big day,
+          And the whole country joins in the Scotchmen's Hooray!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+What train of thought was it that led the indefatigable PERCY FITZGERALD
+to write, _The Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, which appears in one of the
+most striking wrappers that can be seen on a railway book-stall? How
+pleasant if we could obtain a real outside coat-pocket railway guide
+just this size. It is a pity that the Indefatigable and Percy-vering One
+did not apply to _Mr. Punch_ for permission to reprint the page of
+Bradshaw which appeared in _Mr. Punch's Bradshaw's Guide_, marvellously
+illustrated by BENNETT, many years ago. This _magnum opus in parvo_ is
+really interesting and amusing, but if there is one thing more than
+another which he who runs and reads desiderates of an author writing of
+time-tables and guides, it is accuracy. Now, in one particular instance,
+our PERCY is inaccurate. He writes: "Close on fifty years have passed
+by, and the guide with every year has continued, like _Mr. Stiggins_, to
+be a 'swellin' wisibly.'" The Brave Baron challenges PERCY to mortal
+combat on this issue, defying him to prove that _Mr. Stiggins_ was ever
+described within the limits of _Pickwick_, as "swellin' wisibly." Will
+the erudite biographer of _Bradshaw_ be surprised to learn, that, in the
+first place, the description "swellin' wisibly" was never applied to
+_Mr. Stiggins_ at all, but was used by _Mr. Weller_ senior, as
+illustrating the condition of a "young 'ooman on the next form but two"
+from where he was sitting, who had "drank nine breakfast cups and a
+half, and," he goes on to whisper to _Sam_, "_She's a swellin' wisibly
+before my wery eyes._" In the second place, the expression was employed
+at a time when _Mr. Stiggins_ was not present, but, in his official
+character, as "a deligate from the Dorking branch of our society,
+Brother _Stiggins_" was in attendance downstairs. With these two
+exceptions, one mistake of omission, and one of commission, the Baron
+confers his _imprimatur_ on the _Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, and
+recommends it to the public.
+
+For a first-rate, short, well-constructed, and sensationally interesting
+story, let me recommend my readers to _The Peril of Richard Pardon_.
+Only one possible objection do I see to it, and that is a matter of my
+own private opinion, which is, that _Richard Pardon_ is the most
+irritating idiot ever created by an author. For the sake of the story,
+it was necessary that he should be weak; but he is such a very
+backboneless man, and yet quite strong enough to support the fabric of
+the plot. Then one is cleverly put off the scent by a certain _Richard
+Mortlock_, from whom the reader expects much more than ever comes out.
+The sequel of this capital novelette must be _Richard Mortlock_. I have
+quite forgotten to say that _The Peril of Richard Pardon_ is by Mr. B.
+L. FARJEON, whom I have to thank for making time pass too rapidly on
+many a previous occasion. The Hour Before Dinner Series--not that this
+is the genuine title, but it might be, and is a suggestion--is a real
+"boon and a blessing" to those who, like _Podgers_, in JOHN
+HOLLINGSHEAD'S immortal farce, "only have a 'our," not for "their
+dinner," but for their novel-reading throughout the day. FARJEON _soit
+béni!_ (Signed) _The Baron de Book-Worms._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EVENTFUL WEEK.
+
+(_From a Prophetic Journal of Events, looming possibly somewhere
+a-head._)
+
+_Monday._--London, having now been without coal for sixteen weeks, and
+people having kept their kitchen-fires alight by burning their banisters
+and bedroom furniture, several noted West-end houses undertake to
+deliver the arms and legs of drawing-room chairs ("best screened"), at
+£26 5s. a ton for cash.
+
+_Tuesday._--All the petroleum in the country having now been exhausted
+for heating purposes, and Piccadilly being, in consequence, illuminated
+by a night-light in one lamp-post in every three, a "Discontented
+Ratepayer" commences a correspondence in the _Times_, commenting on the
+matter in a severe temper.
+
+_Wednesday._--Several Colliery Owners, in despair, descend into their
+own mines for the purpose of trying to raise some coal themselves, but
+their _employés_, declining to assist in hauling them up again, they are
+left to their fate, and nothing more is heard of them.
+
+_Thursday._--A Syndicate of Noblemen determine to try for coal on the
+spot, by sinking a mine in the middle of Belgrave Square, when, on
+arriving at a depth of 2500 feet, they come across an active volcano,
+which proves such a nuisance to the neighbourhood, that the Vestry is
+applied to by several parishioners to put a stop to it. On their sending
+the Sanitary Inspector to investigate the matter, he orders the mine to
+be closed. On this being done, the scheme collapses, several of the
+Syndicate, as a consequence, in despair emigrating to Tierra del Fuego.
+
+_Friday._--A set of studs and a drawing-room tiara of "Best Wallsend,"
+are shown in a window of a jeweller's in Bond Street, and attract such
+crowds that the Police have to be called in to prevent a block in the
+traffic, and keep the pavement clear for foot passengers.
+
+_Saturday._--Furious street riots commenced by a noble Duke in Grosvenor
+Place pulling up the wood pavement in front of his house, and having it
+carted rapidly into his coal-cellars. The move becoming popular, spreads
+in all directions, with the result of leading to serious collisions with
+the local Vestry Authorities, who call in the aid of the Police.
+
+_Sunday._--The Archbishop of CANTERBURY preaches to an enormous
+congregation in Westminster Abbey, on the "Plague of Darkness" in Egypt
+by the light of a one-farthing candle. This being, by some misadventure,
+inadvertently knocked over, the assembled multitude are enabled to
+realise, to some extent, the gloomy horrors of the situation as
+described by the reverend preacher, and, stumbling over each other,
+retire to unlighted streets and fireless hearths, to face another week
+of the consequences of the "Trade Problem," with the solution of which
+they have been brought face to face.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRAND OLD BILLEE.[A]
+
+    "It is stated that the captaincy of Deal Castle ... is to be offered
+    to Mr. GLADSTONE, the captaincy being in the gift of the Lord Warden
+    of the Cinque Ports."--_Daily News._
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+  There were three sailors of London city
+    Who found their (Party) ship at sea,
+  Although with programmes, authorised and unauthorised,
+    Most carefully they had loaded she.
+
+  There was greedy JOE and glosing JIMMY,
+    And the third was named Grand Old BILLEE;
+  And they were reduced to the piteous prospect
+    Of grubbing on one split (Party) pea.
+
+  Says greedy  JOE to glosing JIMMY,
+    "For captaincy I am hungaree."
+  To greedy JOE says glosing JIMMY,
+    "Then you and I must get rid of _he_."
+
+  Says greedy JOE to glosing JIMMY,
+    "With one another _we_ should agree.
+  With me as Captain, and you as First Mate,
+    If it wasn't for Grand Old BILLEE."
+
+  "Oh, BILLEE, we're going to chuck you over,
+    So prepare for a bath in the Irish Sea."
+  When BILL received this information,
+    His dexter optic winked he.
+
+  "First let me take an observation
+    From the main-top over the Irish Sea!"
+  "Make haste, make haste," says glosing JIMMY,
+    Whilst  JOE he fumbled his snickersnee.
+
+  So BILLY went up to the main-top-gallant mast,
+    And began to count o'er the Irish Sea;
+  And he scarce had come to eighty-six, or so,
+    When up he jumps. "Land Ho!" shouts he.
+
+  "I can see Ould Ireland! There's the Bay of Dublin;
+    With a distant glimpse of Amerikee.
+  And the Parliament upon College Green, bhoys,
+    With a right good glass I can (almost) see."
+
+  So they went ashore, and the crew when mustered
+    Kicked Guzzling  JOE, and cashiered JIMMEE.
+  But as for Grand Old BILLEE, they gave him
+    Of the old "Deal Castle" the captaincy!
+
+[Footnote A: As various versions of the popular song of _"Little
+Billee"_ have been set to music and sung, no apology is needed for the
+insertion in these pages of the version most up to date.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 24._--"Look here, TOBY, M.P.," said
+ARTHUR BALFOUR, almost fiercely; "if you suppose that I enjoy this sort
+of thing, you're quite mistaken." Hadn't supposed any such thing;
+hadn't, indeed, referred to the matter. Only looked at him inquiringly,
+as ATTORNEY-GENERAL for IRELAND, trudging stolidly through the mire,
+attempted to answer CHARLES RUSSELL. "If I _am_ Irish Secretary, as
+TREVELYAN once said, I'm an English gentleman, and if you suppose I have
+any sympathy with the sort of thing that goes on at Clongorey, you're
+mistaken. But I am answerable for law and order, and law and order I
+maintain."
+
+Thus ARTHUR, quite querulous. Have noticed sometimes, when a man
+hopelessly in the wrong, he is inclined to turn on his best friend and
+rend him. This Clongorey business, truly, a bad one. When, just now,
+SEXTON moved adjournment of House, in order to call attention to it,
+Conservatives rose with one accord and went forth. They know WINDBAG
+SEXTON of old, and thought he was probably going to favour them with one
+of his usual exercises. Better this once have stopped and listened.
+Interesting to see how two hundred English gentlemen would have voted
+had they learned all about Clongorey. Happily less, far less, than usual
+of the windbag about SEXTON. His story, in truth, needed no assistance
+from wind instrument. Farms at Clongorey simply strips of reclaimed bog
+land, on which struggling tenants had built miserable shanties; got
+along in good times; just managed to keep body and soul together, and
+pay the rent--rent on land they had literally created, and for huts they
+had actually built. Two years ago came a flood; swamped them. Asked
+landlord to make temporary reduction on rent, to tide over troublesome
+times. Landlord offered a pitiful trifle. What was thought of this shown
+by County Court Judge, who, on cases that came before him, permanently
+reduced rent by thrice amount of temporary reduction proffered. Judge
+further suggested that arrears should be wiped out. Landlord declined to
+listen to suggestion. Tenants drowned out by the cruel river, dragged
+out by the relentless landlord. Stood by whilst the emergency men
+wrenched roofs off their huts, and set fire to the ruins. A neighbour
+offered them shelter, enlarging out-buildings on her farm. Down came the
+police on workmen engaged in this act of charity. A hundred police, paid
+for by tax-payer, swooped down with fixed bayonets on Clongorey,
+arrested labourers, handcuffed them, marched them off to police
+barracks.
+
+This is the simple Story of Clongorey, reduced to facts not denied by
+BALFOUR or ATTORNEY-GENERAL, divested of all incidental matters alleged,
+such as the parading of the handcuffed prisoners through the crowded
+streets of the town, the police making raids among the crowd, naturally
+gathered to see the sight. "One man had his eyeball burst, another his
+skull broken." CHARLES RUSSELL, not given to exaggerated views, somewhat
+reputable as a legal authority, with law-books in hand stated his
+opinion that, apart from incidents of the foray, magistrates and police
+were acting illegally.
+
+"Well," said LONG LAWRANCE, turning his back on House of Commons, "I'm
+glad they've made me a Judge. Have ever been what is called a good
+Party-man; believe in BALFOUR; always ready to back him up with my vote;
+but, dash my wig (now that I'm going to wear a full-bottomed one) if I
+like voting to render possible the repetition of a business like this at
+Clongorey. Must begin to cultivate a judicial frame of mind; so I'll go
+for a walk on the terrace." LAWRANCE'S view evidently taken in other
+quarters of Conservative camp, for, after diligent whipping up,
+Ministerial majority reduced to 42. _Business done._--Address agreed to.
+
+_Tuesday._--Midst a mass of Notices of Motion, a sea of troublous words,
+GEORGE TREVELYAN drops in a score which shines forth with light of common
+sense. "Why," he asks, "does not Parliament rise at beginning of July,
+sitting through winter months for whatsoever longer period may be
+necessary for the due transaction of public business?"
+
+Why not? On Friday, the 14th March, TREVELYAN will put the question in
+formal way before House, so that they may vote on it. Conservative
+majority may well be expected to support it. No new thing; simply
+revival of older fashion. Our great grandfathers knew better than to
+swelter in London through July, pass the Twelfth of August at
+Westminster, and go off forlorn and jaded in the early days of
+September. Hunting men may have objections to raise; but then hunting
+men, though eminently respectable class, are not everybody, not even a
+majority; may even be spared to go hunting as usual. WALPOLE hunted like
+anything, yet in WALPOLE'S day Parliament oftener met in November than
+at any other time of year, and with due provision for Christmas
+holidays, sat into early summer. The thing can be done, and ought to be
+done--will be done if TREVELYAN sticks to it. Not nearly such a
+revolution in Procedure as that which, only a couple of years ago,
+established the automatic close of Debate at midnight. Who is there
+would like to go back to the old order of things in this respect?
+
+Got into Committee of Supply to-night on Vote for Houses of Parliament.
+TONY LUMPKIN turned up again. Last Session, in moment of inspiration,
+TONY spluttered forth a joke; likened new staircase in Westminster Hall
+to SPURGEON'S Pulpit. It is just as like the River Thames or Finsbury
+Park; but that's where the fun lies. Incongruity is the soul of wit.
+Everybody laughed last Session when TONY, with much gurgling, produced
+this bantling; brings it out again to-night.
+
+"Can't have too much of a good thing, TOBY," he says, wrestling with his
+exuberant shirt-front, and rubbing his hair the wrong way. "Always had
+my joke, you know, down in the country. Remember the little affair of
+the circuitous drive? This is what you may call my urban class of
+humour. SPURGEON'S Pulpit, Ha, ha!"--and TONY walked off delighted with
+himself.
+
+_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates.
+
+[Illustration: "Spurgeon's Pulpit, Ha, ha!"]
+
+_Thursday._--Pity that prejudice should be allowed to stand in way of
+doing the best thing. Talk just now of pending vacancies on the Bench;
+such talk recurrent; sometimes more talk than vacancy. "But I pass from
+that," as ARTHUR BALFOUR says, when gliding over knotty points of
+question put from Irish Benches. If not vacancy to-morrow, sure to be
+within week, or month, or year. Why not make JEMMY LOWTHER a Judge? It
+is true he has no practice at the Bar; but he was "called," and, I
+believe, went. That is a detail; what we desire in our Judges are, a
+certain impressive air, a striking presence, and an art of rotund
+speech. JAMES has played many parts in his time--Parliamentary Secretary
+to the Poor-Law Board, Under-Secretary for the Colonies, Chief Secretary
+for Ireland, and Steward of the Jockey Club. In this last capacity he, a
+year ago, temporarily assumed judicial functions. How well he bore
+himself! with what dignity! with what awful suavity! with what
+irreproachable integrity!
+
+That this manner is ingrained, is testified to on the occasions, too
+infrequent, when JEMMY rises in House. To-night BUCHANAN asked HOME
+SECRETARY a question, involving disrespect of rabbit-coursing. JAMES,
+the great patron of British sport in all developments, slowly rose, and
+impressively interposed. Was his Right Hon. friend, the HOME SECRETARY,
+aware that rabbit-coursing, conducted under recognised and established
+regulations, affords pastime to large masses of the industrious
+population who are unable, from their pecuniary circumstances, to
+indulge in the more expensive forms of sport? Those were JEMMY'S words,
+each syllable deliberately enunciated. What a study for the aspirant to
+Parliamentary style!
+
+Kindly Earl of RAVENSWORTH, who still haunts the Chamber in which Lord
+ESLINGTON once had a place, chanced to hear this question. Delighted
+with it. Wished he could introduce something of that sort in House of
+Lords. Went about Lobby with his faithful umbrella (companion of his
+daily life, wet or shine) murmuring the musical phrases. "Recognised and
+established regulations," "afford pastime to large masses of industrious
+population," "unable from pecuniary circumstances," "the more expensive
+forms of sport." That all very well, but not quite all. Easy enough to
+catch the trick of speech; who but JEMMY LOWTHER can add the indefinable
+personal gifts which invest even the commonplace with impressiveness?
+
+_Business done._--Lots. Ministers bring in Bills by the half-dozen.
+
+[Illustration: Earl and Umbrella.]
+
+_Friday._--Such _alouettes_! SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, who can't abear
+scandals, brought on alleged iniquity of Government in connection with
+Cleveland Street affair. Got off his speech; ATTORNEY-GENERAL replied;
+then SAGE proposed to offer few supplementary remarks. In course of
+these appeared frank declaration of his private opinion that everything
+the MARKISS says must be taken _cum grano Salis_-BURY; only the way he
+put it was much worse than that. COURTNEY asked him to withdraw.
+"Shan't!" said the SAGE. Then COURTNEY named him (calling him, by the
+way, "Mr. HENRY LABOUCHERE.") OLD MORALITY, rising to height of duty and
+occasion, moved that SAGE be suspended.
+
+"Oh, hang it!" cried Opposition--"can't agree to that."
+
+Divided on proposal; beaten, and SAGE hung up for a week. "He'll be
+pretty well dried by that time," grimly muttered the ATTORNEY-GENERAL,
+whom the SAGE had stroked the wrong way.
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account agreed to.
+
+[Illustration: Grand Historical Picture. Mr. Labouchere struggling with
+his Conscience.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A DOSE OF GREGORY."
+
+It is some time since I have tasted a dramatic mixture so much to my
+liking as Mr. GRUNDY'S Gregory's Mixture, known to the public, and
+likely to be highly popular with the public too, as _A Pair of
+Spectacles_. Art more refined than Mr. HARE'S, as _Benjamin Goldfinch_
+in this piece, has not been seen on the stage for many a long day; nor,
+except in _A Quiet Rubber_, do I remember Mr. HARE having had anything
+like this particular chance of displaying his rare skill as a genuine
+comedian of the very first rank.
+
+[Illustration: The Ruffled Hare. "This is your umbrella!"]
+
+Everyone remembers, or ought to remember, DICKENS'S "_Brothers
+Cheeryble_." Well, _Benjamin Goldfinch_ has all the milk of human
+kindness which characterised these philanthropic Gemini. As to moral
+characteristics, he is these two single gentlemen rolled into one, while
+physically, his exterior rather conjures up the picture of _Harold
+Skimpole_, though his eyes beam with the youthful impetuosity of old
+_Martin Chuzzlewit_ when he caned _Pecksniff_. To this delightfully
+guileless good Samaritan, the rough, nay brutal, _Uncle Gregory_ from
+Sheffield, with a heart apparently as hard as his own ware, is a
+contrast most skilfully brought out by Mr. CHARLES GROVE. Though the
+part of _Uncle Gregory_ does not require the delicate treatment demanded
+by that of _Goldfinch_, yet it might very easily be overdone; but never
+once does Mr. GROVE overshoot the mark, although the author has
+imperilled its success by too frequent repetition of a catch-phrase, "I
+know that man," "I know that father," "I know that friend," and so
+forth, which is sometimes on the verge of becoming wearisome. Indeed,
+even now, I should be inclined to cut out at least half a dozen of these
+variations of the original phrase. His short but sufficient
+representation of the effects of too much lunch on _Uncle Gregory_ is
+masterly. So realistic, in the best sense of the word, is the
+impersonation of these two characters, that one is inclined to resent
+the brutality of _Uncle Gregory_, when one sees the change suddenly
+effected in the sweet and sympathetic nature of _Benjamin Goldfinch_,
+and when we see him suspicious of everybody, and even of his young wife,
+whom he loves so dearly, we murmur, "Oh, what a noble mind is here
+o'erthrown!" And, indeed, but that it is impossible to help laughing
+from first to last, the final scenes of this charming piece, replete
+with touches of real human nature, would send an audience away crying
+with joy, to think of the possible goodness existent in the world, of
+which one occasionally hears, but so seldom sees, except on the stage.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Grove as Gregory the Grater.]
+
+Not a part in this piece is even indifferently played. The two young
+men, Mr. RUDGE HARDING, and Mr. SYDNEY BROUGH, both very good, the
+latter having better dramatic opportunities, and making the most of
+them. Mr. DODSWORTH just the very man for _Friend Lorimer_; Mr. CATHCART
+is _Joyce_, the Butler; and of the two Shoemakers, respectively played
+by Mr. KNIGHT and Mr. BYRON, I can only say, "I know those shoemakers."
+
+As for the Ladies, Miss KATE RORKE looks very pretty, and acts
+charmingly as young _Mrs. Goldfinch_; Miss HORLOCK is very nice as _Lucy
+Lorimer_, delivering herself of a little bit of picturesque sentiment
+about feeding the birds (_Les Petits Oiseaux_ is the title of the old
+French piece, if I remember rightly) in a rather too forcedly ingenuous
+manner, but behaving most naturally in the interrupted courtship scene,
+and being generally very sympathetic. I mustn't omit Miss HUNTER, pink
+of parlour-maids, not the conventional flirty soubrette nor the
+low-comedy waiting-woman, but a self-respecting, responsible young
+person, conscious of her own and her young man's moral rectitude, and
+satisfied with quarter-day and the Post-Office Savings Bank.
+
+Only one single fault have I to find with the piece, and as it cannot be
+entirely remedied, though it might be modified, I will mention it. The
+title is a mistake; that can't be altered now: but the attempt at
+illustrating the double-meaning conveyed in the title by the practical
+"business" of changing the material glasses and thus hampering the actor
+by the necessity of altering his expression and his manner in accordance
+with his deposition or his resumption of these spectacles, seems to me
+to be childish to a degree, and tends towards turning this simple tale
+into a kind of fairy story, in which the spectacles play the part of a
+magic potion or charm, such as Mr. W. S. GILBERT would use in his
+_Creatures of Impulse_, his _Fogarty's Fairy_, and his _Sorcerer_,
+whenever he wishes to bring about a sudden and otherwise inexplicable
+transition from one mental attitude to another, and entirely opposite.
+But for the earnestness of the actors, this _reductio ad Fairydum_ would
+have imparted an air of unreality to the characters and incidents which
+does not belong to them. The plot is a model of neat construction; and,
+to everyone at all in doubt as to where to pass an agreeable evening, I
+say, "Go to the Garrick Theatre." By the way, a Correspondent suggests
+that _A Pair of Spectacles_ is an illustration of "The Hares
+Preservation Bill,"
+
+  JACK IN A BOX.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISCLAIMER.--The Right Hon. Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN, M.P., Anti-muzzle-man
+and Minister of Agriculture, wishes to deny explicitly that, when, by a
+_lapsus calami_, he was made to describe Mr. TAY PAY O'CONNOR as
+"peeping from behind the Speaker's chair," he ever intended to fix upon
+that honourable gentleman the _sobriquet_ of "Peeping Tom"; nor had he
+any idea of sending him to Coventry. What he _did_ say was----but it
+doesn't much matter what "he _did_ say," what he _didn't_ say is so much
+more to the point.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STANLEY AND AFRICAN EXHIBITION.--One of the largest contributors
+will be Mr. BONNY. This sounds well; at all events, it's BONNY. The
+French, who are now welcoming their own private African hero, _le
+Capitaine_ TRIVIER, back to his native land, may be induced to place
+their trophies under Mr. BONNY'S care, as, if Imperialists, they can
+then say they have a BONNY-part in this Exhibition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM AN INDIGNANT CORRESPONDENT.--"Sir,--I sent you a joke three months
+ago, which you have not used. Since then I have made arrangements for
+the joke to appear elsewhere." [What a chance we have lost!--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUERIES.
+
+_He._ "BY THE BYE, TALKING OF OLD TIMES, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT OCCASION
+WHEN I MADE SUCH AN AWFUL ASS OF MYSELF?"
+
+_She._ "_WHICH?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BIG GUN!"
+
+_Grand Old Gunner loquitur:--_
+
+  'Tis a regular "Mons Meg" of a cannon!
+    The swabs, they have been every one,
+  Very hard the Grand Old (Gunner) Man on,
+    But what will they think of _this_ gun?
+  Double shotted, and charged to the muzzle,
+    And trained by my hands and my eye,
+  The foes I conceive it will puzzle,
+              And tempt them to fly.
+
+  Mere skirmishing, up to the present,
+    With pop-guns, and flint-locks, and such;
+  But now! They will not find it pleasant,
+    When once this huge touch-hole I touch.
+  Mighty CÆSAR! I guess they won't like it;
+    Great SCOTT! won't it just raise a din?
+  And don't they just wish they could spike it
+              Before we begin?
+
+  The fun of it is, they have furnished
+    The filling themselves, unaware.
+  The shot they've cast, polished, and burnished,
+    The powder were prompt to prepare.
+  It's pitiful, quite, their position,
+    To see, the unfortunate elves!
+  Their carefully-stored ammunition
+              Thus turned on themselves.
+
+  Their batteries big it should batter,
+    Their trenches should burst and blow up,
+  Their forces allied it should scatter,
+    It's worse than an Armstrong or Krupp.
+  Chain-shot for swift slaughter's not in it,
+    For spreading it's better than grape,
+  They'll all be smashed up in a minute,
+              Scarce one can escape.
+
+  Now, MORLEY, my boy, and brave PARNELL,
+    _I'll_ lay it; just follow my hand.
+  That plain will soon look like a charnel,
+    With all that remains of their band;
+  The "fragments of him called McCARTY"
+    (Referred to, I think, in the song)
+  Were huge chunks to the scraps that their Party
+              Will show before long.
+
+  They shall see what I can do, when ready,
+    As Grand Old (Artillery) Man.
+  Right, PARNELL! left, MORLEY! Now, steady!!!
+    Stop! Just one last peep, whilst I can!
+  I _do_ hope, dear boys, there's no blunder;
+    I _think_ it is loaded all right.
+  Are they horribly frightened, I wonder?
+              Well, now for a sight!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE BIG GUN!"
+
+GRAND OLD GUNNER (_inspecting Cannon_). "IT'S BEAUTIFULLY LOADED! WHY,
+THE MERE LOOK OF IT IS ENOUGH TO SHAKE SM-TH'S 'RESOLUTION.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD FRIENDS AND COUNSEL.
+
+Our old friend MADDISON MORTON'S _Box and Cox_ runs SHAKSPEARE'S works
+generally very near in the matter of daily application. But fancy its
+being quoted as an authority by Sir HORACE DAVEY, in his masterly reply
+to t'other side in the Bishop of LINCOLN'S case. Yet so it was. "Bishop
+COSIN," said Sir HORACE, "had erroneously assumed that a letter had been
+written by CALVIN to KNOX, whereas it had been really written to an
+Englishman named Cox." So it was a mistake of the postman, after all,
+and it only wants the introduction of the name of Box to make the whole
+thing perfect and satisfactory. "It will be within the recollection of
+the Court," Sir HORACE might have continued, "that Cox was prevented
+from becoming the husband of PENELOPE ANNE, relict of WILLIAM WIGGINS,
+Proprietor of Bathing Machines at Margate and Ramsgate, by the sudden
+and totally unforeseen union of the lady in question with one KNOX,
+whose residence, as the Musical Revised Version has it, was usually 'in
+the Docks'; and with this marriage of PENELOPE ANNE WIGGINS with Mr.
+KNOX of the Docks, Messrs. BOX AND COX professed themselves entirely and
+completely satisfied, as it is my earnest hope that Your Grace, and My
+Lords the Bishops, will also be. And should this be the result, then I
+assure Your Grace that there will not be a happier party sit down this
+night to supper than 'READ and others,' of which fact you may take your
+Davey."
+
+On the Learned Counsel resuming his seat, there would have been
+considerable applause, which, of course, would have been instantly
+suppressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES "IN GLOBO."--_Dorothy_ was long ago taken off the stage of the
+Prince of Wales's to make room for _Paul Jones_. But another DOROTHY has
+recently reappeared at the Globe Theatre in the pretty Shakspearian
+fairy-play entitled, _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, wherein DOROTHY DENE
+enacts the part of _Hippolyta_. By the way, the lady who used to speak
+of that immortal work, _Dixon's Johnsonary_, the other day referred to
+SHAKSPEARE as being "contemporaneous with that great wit--dear me--what
+was his name?--who wrote _Every Man in his own Humour_--oh, I
+remember--JOHN BENSON." Eminently satisfactory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY TAILOR.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+    "The St. Petersburgh tailors have hit upon an effectual device for
+    obtaining payment of their bills. Immense black-boards are hung up
+    in the most conspicuous place in the reception-room; thereon are
+    chalked, in letters as big as arrow-headed inscriptions, the names
+    of their hopelessly-indebted clients, and the amount of their
+    indebtedness."
+
+_Daily Paper._
+
+  Who always seemed serene and bland;
+  Who never asked for "cash in hand,"
+  Quite pleased that my account should "stand"?
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who catered for the gilded throng,
+  Who chid me when my taste was wrong,
+  Whose credit--and whose price--was long?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who chatted when I felt depressed,
+  Who proffered wine with friendly zest,
+  Whose weeds were ever of the best?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who with sartorial oil anoints
+  My vanity, who pads my joints,
+  And fortifies my weakest points?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  But who in future, much I fear,
+  Will greet me with no words of cheer,
+  But talk of "settling"--language queer?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who silently will point his hand
+  To figures white on black-board grand.
+  Where all my unpaid "items" stand?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll thus expose me to my peers,
+  Bring on me jibes, and flouts, and sneers,
+  Male sniggerings, and female tears?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll frown when I suggest a loan,
+  And ne'er produce Clicquot or Beaune,
+  But for his "checks" demand my own?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll take my "measures" when he wills,
+  But only if I take his "bills,"
+  And add one more to human ills?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKEN AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+MY DEAR EDITOR,
+
+It was most kind of you to ask me to go to the St. James's Theatre, the
+other evening, to see Mrs. LANGTRY, after I had told you that since my
+recovery from the influenza, I had unfortunately lost my memory. "Don't
+you know anything about _As You Like It_?" you asked. I pondered deeply,
+and then replied, that I half fancied it was a GERMAN REED'S
+Entertainment, that would have gone better had it included a part for
+Mr. CORNEY GRAIN. You told me I was wrong, but intimated that my
+ignorance on the subject would make my notice the more impartial. So I
+went.
+
+As to the play--was I pleased with _As You Like It_? Well, I have known
+worse, but I have seen better. It seemed a mixture of prose and verse,
+with several topical allusions that appeared, somehow or other, to have
+lost their point. For instance, a dull dog of a jester (played in a
+funereal fashion by Mr. SUGDEN) stopped the action of the piece, for
+what seemed to me (no doubt the time was actually less) some
+three-quarters of an hour, while he explained the difference between the
+"retort courteous" and "the reproof valiant." The plot was as thin as a
+wafer, but as it is, no doubt, generally known, I need not further refer
+to it. Mrs. LANGTRY was a most graceful and pleasing _Rosalind_. She
+acted with an earnestness worthy of a better cause, and afforded not a
+trace of the amateur. Of Miss VIOLET ARMBRUSTER as _Hymen_, I might say,
+with a friend who spent several hours in knocking off the impromptu--
+
+  TO A SEASONABLE VIOLET.
+
+  Had always Hymen
+    Such mien, such carriage,
+  You ne'er would fly, men,
+    The state of marriage!
+
+[Illustration: A New Piece.]
+
+Mr. LAWRENCE CAUTLEY, as _Orlando_, had an uphill part. At times (thanks
+to the author) he appeared in situations that were absolutely
+ridiculous. For instance, he leaves an old retainer (capitally played by
+that soundest of sound actors, Mr. EVERILL) dying of starvation, and,
+sword in hand, appears at a pic-nic of the banished _Duke_, to demand
+refreshment. "I almost die for food, and let me have it," says
+_Orlando_, and is welcomed by the _Duke_ to his table. And what does
+_Orlando_ do? Does he seize the boar's head, or something equally
+attractive, and rush back to his fainting servitor with the prize? Not a
+bit of it! He leisurely delivers fourteen lines of blank verse about the
+"shade of melancholy boughs," "the creeping hours of time," and
+"blushing, hides his sword!" In my neighbourhood happened to be one of
+the greatest advocates of our generation, and I heard this legal
+luminary whisper, "while that fellow is talking, the old servant will
+die of starvation," and the legal luminary was entirely and absolutely
+right. _Adam would_ have died of starvation while his garrulous master
+was posturing. A country wench called _Audrey_ was admirably
+impersonated by Miss MARION LEA, and the remainder of the cast was, on
+the whole, satisfactory. Stay, it is only just that I should single out
+for special commendation Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER, who played a character,
+to whom reference was frequently made as "the melancholy _Jaques_,"
+faultlessly. Here again the author committed an indiscretion. _Jaques_
+(by the way, why was not Mr. SUGDEN'S _rôle_ described as, "the more
+melancholy _Touchstone_?") is permitted to stop the action of the piece
+to deliver some thirty lines commencing with the trite truism, "all the
+world's a stage." Mr. BOURCHIER spoke his words with excellent
+discretion, but I cannot help thinking that, in the cause of Art, the
+speech should have been cut out, and I have no doubt, that Mr.
+BOURCHIER, as a true artist, will cordially agree with me.
+
+And so, to quote Mrs. LANGTRY in the Epilogue, "farewell;" but in spite
+of what you have said to the contrary, I am still of opinion, my dear
+Editor, that _As You Like It_ must have been originally intended for Mr.
+and Mrs. GERMAN REED'S Entertainment, minus Mr. CORNEY GRAIN.
+
+  Sincerely Yours,
+    A CORRESPONDENT WITHOUT A MEMORY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART-AUCTIONEER'S RELIGION, "CHRISTIE-anity."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ASTRAL COMPLICATION.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+  In periods of sleep, despair,
+    Of aberration, we have guessed
+  We were not altogether there,
+    But seldom known where was the rest.
+
+  Our Astral Bodies wander far,
+    Whenever they will not be missed.
+  Strange things in earth and heaven are
+    For the devout theosophist.
+
+  Young  WILFRID wooed the wealth of  CLARE;
+    But ah, in spite of golden dearth,
+  His mind and heart approved more fair
+     KATE'S intellect and moral worth.
+
+  "Prudence my steps inspire!" he said;
+    And automatically to
+  The residence of  CLARE he sped,
+    And gained an instant's interview.
+
+  "Fairest," he cried, "my homage deep
+    Ah, not your rank, your wealth command!
+  These idle baubles, lady, keep.
+    Give me alone this lily hand!"
+
+  "I will," she said. (The dinner gong
+    That moment sounded.) "Haste away;
+  But meet me in the social throng
+    To-morrow--that is, Saturday."
+
+  That self-same hour--the clock struck eight--
+    In Holloway began to muse
+  The charming and the gifted  KATE
+    On logarithms most abstruse.
+
+  Her door stood wide! Who entered there?
+    'Twas WILFRID spoke in hollow tone.
+  "With me life's logarithms share,
+    KATE, that I cannot solve alone!"
+
+  "I will," she answered. "But begone!
+    Strange chaperons inspect, explore.
+  The Principal, the stairs is on!"
+    He sighed, and vanished from the door.
+
+  Next eve, amid the social throng,
+    Serene stood CLARE at WILFRID'S side;
+  And dreaming not that aught was wrong,
+    She gaily questioned and replied.
+
+  Till WILFRID suddenly was 'ware,
+    Close by, of a familiar face,
+  And realised with wild despair
+    All, all the horror of the case!
+
+  "Oh, what is wrong?" cried CLARE in awe.
+    Calmly, he answered. "It was He,
+  My Astral Body, that she saw.
+    Oh, which am I? Oh, woe is me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EAST-ERN ART IN BOND STREET.--"So let the world jog along as it will,
+I'll be Japanese-y still! Japanese-y, Japanese-y. I'll be Japanese-y
+still!" Can't help singing when we see Mr. EAST'S pictures of Japan at
+the Fine Art Society's Gallery. This clever artist sojourned in that
+country from March to September. He kept his eyes open and his hand ever
+busy, and has brought back more than a hundred pictures--fresh,
+brilliant, and original. Such marvellous aspects of scenery, such wealth
+of colour, such novelty do we behold, that we long to start off at once
+to Yokohama, to Nikkô, to Hakone, to Tôkiyo, or any one of these
+delightful places--singing. "Let's quit this cold climate so dull and
+Britannical, And revel in sunshine and colour Japanical!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBABLE PUBLICATION.--Companion work to _Sardine and the Sardes_, by
+the same author, to be entitled _Sardinia and the Sardines_, illustrated
+in oils, and sold in tincases. Great reduction (at lunch time) on taking
+a quantity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES AT LAMBETH. (_As seen by
+Mr. Punch's Artist in a Fog._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES.
+
+Lambeth is in darkness. A Policeman with a bull's-eye prevents my
+driver's energetic endeavours to drive through the Palace wall. I
+stumble into the large hall known as the Library. "Here," said I to
+myself, "is taking place the historic trial of the Bishop of LINCOLN."
+The weird scene strongly resembles the Dream Trial in _The Bells_, where
+the judges, counsel, and all concerned, are in a fog. Will the limelight
+flash suddenly upon the chief actor, the Bishop of LINCOLN, as he takes
+the stage and re-acts the part that has caused the trial? Archbishop
+BANCROFT founded this library, so theatrical associations are natural.
+The only lights in the long and lofty library (excepting the clerical
+and legal) are a dozen or two wax candles and a few oil-lamps, but of
+daylight, gaslight, or electric, nothing. I can hear the voice of JEUNE,
+Q.C., the JEUNE _premier_ of this ecclesiastical drama.
+
+They have commenced proceedings. In this, the Archbishop's Court, they,
+very properly, begin with prayer. So does the House of Commons. "Any
+special form of orison?" I ask in a whisper of the JEUNE _premier_, Q.C.
+"Yes," he answers in a subdued tone. "Look in your prayer-book for 'form
+of prayer to be used by those at sea.' That's it." Then he has to
+continue his argument.
+
+At the further end of the library we have the Church, represented by an
+Archbishop and five Bishops; also a Judge, in a full-bottomed wig, who
+has evidently got in by mistake. Then we have the Law, represented by a
+row of Q.C.'s, their juniors, and attendants; and then a chorus of
+ordinary people, and common, or Thames Policemen. But where's the Bishop
+of LINCOLN? Not among the Thames Policemen? Not in the Dock? Where? Aha!
+I see him. I focus him. I sketch him. _Veni, vidi, vici!_ I show result
+on paper to Official. "Oh, no," he says; "that's not the Bishop, that's
+THINGUMMY," a Clerk of the Court, or something. Hang THINGUMMY! Official
+disappears. Lights, ho! a link on Lincoln! I determine to find him. The
+Bishops sit round three tables, on a raised platform. The Archbishop of
+CANTERBURY sits in the centre; on his right is the mysterious Judge, in
+full wig, and red robes; this is the Vicar-General, Sir JAMES PARKER
+DEANE, Q.C.; next to him sits Assessor Dr. ATLAY, Bishop of HEREFORD,
+who looks anything but happy; his hair has the appearance of being
+impelled by a strong draught, and his hand is to his face, as if the
+draught had produced toothache. The portly Bishop of OXFORD is on his
+right, and like the other corner man, the Bishop of SALISBURY, he
+scribbles away at a great rate in a huge manuscript book, or roll of
+foolscap. On the left of the Archbishop sits the Bishop of LONDON, who
+severely questions the Counsel, and evidently relishes acting the
+school-master over again. The Bishop of ROCHESTER sitting on LONDON'S
+left, supplies the comedy element, so far as facial expression goes; his
+mouth is wide open, and he holds some papers in front of him in an
+attitude which suggests that he will presently break forth into song.
+But where, oh where, is the Bishop of LINCOLN? Ah, I see him. I sketch
+him. I write his name under sketch, and show it to one of the Reporters.
+He scribbles across it, "Wrong." I write, "Where is he?" He waves me
+away. I believe the Bishop is at the other side of the long table, by
+his Counsel. There is a candle in front of him. I make my way to the
+other side. I find the Bishop is an old lady! I write, "Where does the
+Bishop of LINCOLN sit?" on a piece of paper, and take it to an Official.
+He cannot see to read it, so some time is lost while he finds a
+convenient candle. He looks towards me, and points to a corner.
+
+Good! At last! There is an old gentleman, in plain clothes it is true,
+but still otherwise every inch a Bishop or a Butler, or perhaps both in
+one,--say Bishop BUTLER. I have just finished a careful study of him,
+when he turns round and whispers, "Please, Sir, can you tell me which is
+the Bishop of LINCOLN?" I shake my head angrily, and move away. I'll
+bide my time. JEUNE _premier_ is answering the hundred-and-seventh
+question of the Bishop of LONDON, and is being "supported" by Sir WALTER
+PHILLIMORE. It amuses me to hear these two clever Counsel, in this
+natural and ecclesiastical fog, carrying on an animated legal
+conversation with each other, ignoring the Bishops; not that the latter
+seem to mind, as they scribble merrily away at their folios. Are their
+Right Reverend Lordships engaged in writing their Sunday sermons?
+
+But where is _the_ Bishop? He ought to be near his Counsel. The severe
+Sir HORACE DAVEY sits writing letters; next to him the affable Dr.
+TRISTRAM, then the rubicund Mr. DANKWERTS, but no Bishop. One o'clock!
+The Bishops rise for Lunch and Levée. "Where, oh where! is the Bishop of
+LINCOLN?" I ask JEUNE _premier_. "Quick--I want to sketch him before he
+leaves!"
+
+"The Bishop!" returns the First Ecclesiastical Young Man, smiling. "Oh,
+he never comes near the place." _Exit_ JEUNE _premier_. I appeal to the
+austere Sir HORACE DAVEY. "I can't tell you," says sir HORACE--"DAVEY
+_sum, non OEdipus_." And off he goes, to argue another sort of a case
+about Baird language and the Pelican Club. He will say no more. On this
+occasion only, HORACE is TACITUS. I do not find the Bishop, and quit
+Lambeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIKELY--VERY!
+
+"CONFOUND THESE BLACKS! THEY FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE!" "YES, MY DEAR
+FELLOW; THEY TAKE YOU FOR A MISSIONARY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITTLE DUC AND HIS BIG BILL.
+
+The _restaurateur_ evidently considered that he "didn't kill a pig every
+day," when he stuck _Le Petit Duc_ for this now historic bill, which, as
+given in full by the _Figaro_, _Mr. Punch_ reproduces here for general
+edification:--
+
+    Un artichaut barigoule   12fr.
+    Un châteaubriand         16 "
+    1 sole                   10 "
+    1 noix de veau           10 "
+    1 homard                 25 "
+    1 salade                  3 "
+    1 caneton aux navets     25 "
+    6 écrevisses             15 "
+    Hors d'oeuvre             5 "
+    Une assiette de fruits   16 "
+
+Whenever it may be the lot of any distinguished Member of the Upper
+House to be sent to the Tower of London, or a Member of the Lower to be
+shut up in the Clock Tower, the Provisional Government for the time
+being will know what to charge for its provisions. The _restaurateur_
+addressed his little account, "_À Sa Magesté (sic) Louis
+Philippe-Robert_ ('ROBERT' was in it) _Duc d'Orléans_." In styling _Le
+Petit Duc_ "His Majesty" the artful _restaurateur_ evidently had in view
+a future _restauration_. The _restaurateur_, who expected to provide the
+young Duke of ORLEANS with a second dinner, of course quoted SHAKSPEARE,
+and exclaimed enthusiastically--
+
+    "I must go victual Orleans forthwith!"
+
+_Henry V., Part I., Act I., Sc. 5._
+
+But the youthful Duc or Duckling wasn't to be caught and stuffed a
+second time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SATURDAY SERIES.--"Hunters' Dams" was the heading of an article in
+last week's _Saturday Review_. As the counter-jumper politely says,
+"What will be the next article?" We look forward with interest to
+"Shooters' Swearings," "Anglers' Affirmations," "Coursers' Curses," and
+a few others that may suggest themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL SOCIETY OF PAINTER-ETCHERS.--At the pleasant Gallery, 5A, Pall
+Mall East, is a good show of needle-work. One of the most prolific
+contributors is a certain clever gentleman whose name may possibly be
+familiar to some of our readers, one REMBRANDT VAN RHYN, who sends no
+less than a hundred works.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. III.--THE YOUNG M.P.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+For the proper production of the young M.P. there are many receipts, but
+only one is genuine. Take a rickety boy, and provide him with a wealthy
+father, slightly flavoured with a good social position and political
+tastes. Send him to a public school, having first eliminated as much
+youthfulness as is compatible with continued existence. Add some
+flattering masters, and a distaste for games. Season with the idea that
+he is born for a great career. Let him be, if possible, verbose and
+argumentative, and inclined to contradict his elders. Eliminate more
+youth and transfer hot to a University. Add more verbosity, and a strong
+extract of priggishness. Throw in a degree, and two speeches at the
+Union. Set him to simmer for two years in a popular constituency, and
+serve him up, a chattering pedant of twenty-four, at Westminster.
+
+In the course of the contest which resulted in his return to the House
+of Commons, the young M.P. will have tasted the sweets of advertisement
+by seeing his name constantly placarded in huge letters on coloured
+posters. He will have been constantly referred to as "Our popular young
+Candidate," and he will thus have become convinced that the welfare of
+his country imperatively demands his immediate presence and permanent
+continuance in Parliament. When the genial butcher who, besides
+retailing the carcases of sheep and oxen, sits in the Town Council, and
+presides over one of the local political associations, declared, as he
+often has at other contests and of other candidates, that never, in the
+course of his political career, had he listened to more mature wisdom,
+adorned with nobler eloquence, than that which had fallen from "Our
+young and popular Candidate," he was merely satisfying a burning desire
+for rhetorical expansion, without any particular regard to accuracy of
+statement. But the candidate himself greedily gulps that lump of
+flattery, and all the praise which is the conventional sauce for every
+political gander. On this he grows fat, and being, in addition, puffed
+up by a very considerable conceit of his own, he eventually presents an
+aspect which is not pleasing, and assumes (towards those who are not
+voters in the Constituency) a manner which can scarcely be described as
+modest.
+
+The majority of his Constituents regard him simply as an automatic
+machine for the regular distribution of large subscriptions. He regards
+himself as a being of great importance and capacity, and endowed with
+the power of acting as he likes, whilst the local wirepullers look upon
+him as a convenient mask, behind which they may the more effectively
+carry on their own petty schemes of personal ambition.
+
+As a Candidate, moreover, the young M.P. will have discovered that the
+triumph of his party depends not merely or even chiefly upon the due
+exposition of those political principles with which he may have lately
+crammed himself by the aid of a stray volume of MILL, and a _Compendium
+of Political History_, but rather upon the careful observance of local
+custom and local etiquette, and the ceaseless effort to trump his
+adversary's every trick. He will thus have become the President of the
+local Glee Club, the Patron of a Scientific Association, and a local Dog
+Show, the Vice-President of four Cricket Clubs and of five Football
+Clubs, a Member of the Committee of the Hospital Ball, and of the
+Society for Improving the breed of Grey Parrots; to say nothing of the
+Guild for Promoting the happiness of Middle-aged Housemaids, and the
+local Association for the Distribution of Penny Buns, at cheap prices,
+to the deserving poor. Moreover, before he has discovered the true
+relation of benefit societies to politics, he will find himself a Member
+of the Odd Fellows, the Foresters, the Hearts of Oak, the Druids, and
+the Loyal and Ancient Order of Free and Accepted Buffaloes, with the
+right, conferred by the last-named Society, of being addressed on lodge
+nights as if he were a Baronet, or, at least, a Knight.
+
+Having thus met and shaken hands with the working-man during his hours
+of festive relaxation, the young M.P. will be properly qualified for
+discussing those social questions which form the chief part of every
+aspirant's political baggage. Being gifted with a happy power of
+enunciating pompous platitudes with an air of profound conviction, and
+of spreading butter churned from the speeches of his leaders on the
+bread of political economy, he will be highly thought of at meetings of
+political leagues of either sex, or of both combined. It is necessary
+that he should catch the eye of the Speaker during his first Session. He
+will afterwards talk to his Constituents of the forms of the House in
+the tone of one who is familiar with mysteries, and is accustomed to
+mingle on terms of equality with the great and famous. He will bring in
+a Bill which an M.P. who was once young, has abandoned, and, finding his
+measure blocked, will discourse with extreme bitterness of the
+obstruction by which the efforts of rising political genius are
+oppressed.
+
+In London Society the young M.P. may be recognised by an air of
+conscious importance as of one who carries the burden of the State upon
+his shoulders, and desires to impress the fact upon others. He may be
+flattered by being consulted as to the secret intentions of foreign
+Cabinets or the prospects of party divisions. He will then speak at
+length of his leaders as "we," and will probably announce, in a voice
+intended not so much for his immediate neighbours as for the thoughtless
+crowd beyond, that "we shall smash them in Committee," and that
+"AKERS-DOUGLAS" (or ARNOLD MORLEY, as the case may be) "has asked me to
+answer the fellows on the other side to-morrow. I am not sure I shall
+speak," the MS. of his speech being already complete. On the following
+day he will speak during the dinner-hour to an audience of four, and,
+having escaped being counted out, will be greatly admired by his
+Constituents. He will assiduously attend all social functions, and will
+not object to seeing his name in the paragraphs of Society papers. It is
+not absolutely necessary that the young M.P. should be bald, but it is
+essential that he should wear a frock-coat. It is well, also, that his
+dress should be neat, but not ostentatiously spruce, lest the more
+horny-handed of his supporters should take umbrage at an offensive
+assumption of superiority over those whose votes keep him in place.
+
+Custom demands that the young M.P. should travel extensively, and that
+he should enlighten his home-staying Constituents as to the designs of
+Barataria, the labour question in Lilliput, and the prospects of
+federation in Laputa, by means of letters addressed to the local
+newspaper. He will also interview foreign potentates and statesmen, and
+cause the fact to be published through the medium of REUTER. On his
+return, he will write a book, and deliver a lecture before the Mutual
+Improvement Society of the town he represents. He will then marry, in
+order that he may attend Mothers' meetings by deputy, and cause his wife
+to make lavish purchases at a local bazaar, which he will have opened.
+Shortly afterwards he will select an unpopular fad, which certain
+members of his own party approve, and will take a vigorous stand against
+it on principle, thus earning the commendation of all parties as a man
+of independent views, and unswerving rectitude.
+
+If, at a subsequent election, he should chance to be rejected at the
+poll, he will publicly profess that he is delighted to be relieved of an
+uncongenial burden, whilst assuring his friends in private that the
+country in which able and honest men are neglected must be in a very bad
+way. He will, however, publish an address to the electors, in which he
+will claim a moral victory, and will assure them that it will ever be
+one of his proudest memories to have been connected with their
+constituency. He will spend his period of retirement on the stump, and,
+unless he be speedily furnished with another Constituency, will
+entertain doubts as to the sanity of his party leaders. Subsequently he
+will find himself again in the House of Commons, and, having been spoken
+of as a young man for about a quarter of a century, will at last become
+an Under-Secretary of State, and a grandfather, in the same year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER SINGERS.--Sir,--In accordance with your request, I visited the
+Meistersingers' Club (an institution which, seemingly from its name, has
+been established as a memorial to WAGNER), where a "dramatic
+performance" was given last week that had many points of interest to the
+languid pleasure-seeker, wearily thirsting for fresh sources of
+amusement. The evening's entertainment commenced with a play obligingly
+described by the author as a farce, which was followed by a new and
+original operetta, containing some very pretty music by Mr. PERCY REEVE,
+with the exquisitely droll title of _The Crusader and the Craven_. The
+one lady and two gentlemen who took part in this were, from a prompter's
+point of view, nearly perfect. Mr. R. HENDON as _Sir Rupert de
+Malvoisie_ (the Crusader) suggested, by his accent and gestures, that he
+must have come from the East--how far East, it boots not to inquire.
+Miss FLORENCE DARLEY was a good _Lady Alice_, and Mr. J. A. SHALE an
+efficient "Craven." Later on an operatic performance is threatened. If
+the thrilling series of arrangements on the back of the Programme is to
+be accepted as authentic, the members of the Club will be invited to
+have _Patience_. It would be difficult to find a more appropriate
+accessory to a Night with the Meistersingers. No one asked me to have
+any supper, Yours, A HAND AT CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari,
+Volume 98, March 8, 1890., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MAR 8, 1890 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 30056-8.txt or 30056-8.zip *****
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari, Volume 98,
+March 8, 1890., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or, the London Charivari, Volume 98, March 8, 1890.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2009 [EBook #30056]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MAR 8, 1890 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOLUME 98.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>MARCH 8, 1890.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL AND THE LYCEUM THEATRE.</h2>
+
+<center>APPEAL OF MR. HENRY IRVING. RESULT.</center>
+
+<center>(<i>A not impossible Extract from Next Year's Morning Papers.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/109.png">
+<img src="images/109.png" width="100%" alt="This is what the County Council&#39;s Licensing Bill" /></a>
+<p>"This is what the County Council's Licensing Bill for
+Places of Entertainment did <i>not</i> intend, as, according to the latest
+authoritative explanation, the L. C. C. does not consider Theatres as
+coming under the head of "places of entertainment". Rather hard on the
+Theatres!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Yesterday, before the Theatres Committee of the London County Council,
+the appeal of <span class="smcap">Mr. Henry Irving</span> (the well-known actor and manager) against
+the decision of the Sub-Committee to refuse a licence to the Lyceum
+Theatre, came on for hearing.</p>
+
+<p>After <span class="smcap">Mr. Henry Irving</span> (who appeared in person) had addressed the
+Committee at some length, dwelling upon the character of the pieces he
+had produced during his management, and the care and expense with which
+they had been mounted, several members of the Committee expressed a wish
+to put questions to him, which <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> promised to answer to the best
+of his ability.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Hecklebury</span>. I think you told us that <i>Hamlet</i> was one of your
+favourite parts? Is it not the fact that the chief character in the play
+drives his <i>fianc&eacute;e</i> to madness and suicide by his cruelty, slays her
+father and brother, together with his own step-father, and procures the
+death of two of his school-fellows?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> admitted that this was so. (<i>Sensation.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Hecklebury</span>. That is all I wanted to ask you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fussler</span>. I understand that you have produced a play called <i>Othello</i>
+on more than one occasion; perhaps you will inform us whether the
+following passages are in your opinion suitable for public declamation?
+(Mr. <span class="smcap">Fussler</span> <i>then proceeded to read several extracts to which he
+objected on account of their offensive signification</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> protested that <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>, and not himself, was responsible
+for such passages.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Fussler</span>. Unfortunately, <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> is not before us&mdash;and you are. You
+admit that you have produced a play containing lines such as I have just
+read? That is enough for Us.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Medlam</span>. Unless I am mistaken, the hero in <i>Othello</i> is not only a
+murderer but a suicide?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span>. Undoubtedly. (<i>Sensation.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Medlam</span>. We have heard something of a piece called <i>The Bells</i>. I
+seldom attend theatres myself, except in the exercise of my public
+functions, but I do happen to have seen that particular play on one
+occasion. Does my memory mislead me in saying, that you committed a
+brutal and savage murder in the course of the drama?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> said that, as a matter of fact, the murder took place many
+years before the curtain rose&mdash;otherwise, the Member's memory was
+entirely accurate.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Medlam.</span> Whenever the murder was committed, it remains undetected,
+and the criminal escapes all penalty&mdash;is not that the case?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> urged that the Nemesis was worked out by the murderer's own
+conscience.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Medlam</span> said that was all nonsense; a person's conscience could not
+be made visible on the stage, and here a murderer was represented as
+dying several years after his crime, in his own bedroom, respected by
+all who knew him. Did <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> intend to tell them that such a
+spectacle was calculated to deter an intending murderer, or did he not?
+That was the plain question.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> thought that intending murderers formed so inappreciable an
+element in his usual audiences, that they might safely be left out of
+the calculation.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Medlam.</span> But you might have an intending murderer among your
+audience, I suppose?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving's</span> reply was not audible in the reporters' gallery.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Parseeker.</span> I should like to hear what you have to say about
+duelling, <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span>&mdash;I mean, is it, or is it not, a practice sanctioned
+by the laws of this country?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> said that he did not quite understand the drift of such a
+question; but, since they asked him, he should say that duelling was
+distinctly illegal.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Parseeker.</span> You will understand the drift of my question directly,
+<span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span>. I have made it my business to acquaint myself with your
+dramatic career, and I find that you have played as hero at various
+times in <i>Romeo and Juliet</i>, <i>Hamlet</i>, <i>The Corsican Brothers</i>, and <i>The
+Dead Heart</i>, besides <i>Macbeth</i>. Am I wrong in saying that in each of
+these pieces you fight a duel?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Irving.</span> No. I fight a duel in each of them, except <i>Macbeth</i>, in
+which there is no duel, only a hand-to-hand combat. I do commit a murder
+in <i>Macbeth</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Member.</span> <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving's</span> tastes seem rather to run in the direction of
+murders. (<i>Laughter.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>After the report of the Official Censor upon the general tone of the
+Lyceum plays during the last fifteen years had been read a second time
+and adopted, the Chairman, without more than a formal consultation with
+his colleagues, proceeded to announce the decision of the Committee. He
+said that they had not come to their present conclusion without long and
+anxious deliberation. They were now the constituted guardians of the
+public morals, and must fulfil their functions without fear or favour.
+(<i>Applause.</i>) They must look at the character of the performances at
+each theatre, considering only whether they were or were not beneficial
+to morality. In the past, under a <i>r&eacute;gime</i> happily now at an end, public
+opinion had been shamefully lax, and official control purely nominal;
+plays had been repeatedly performed, and even welcomed as classics,
+which he did not hesitate to say were full of incidents that were
+revolting to all well-regulated minds. <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>, who, with his
+undoubted talents, should have known better, was, so far from being an
+exception, one of the worst offenders. The Council must free themselves
+from the shackles of conventional tolerance. (<i>Applause.</i>) Evil was
+evil&mdash;murder was murder&mdash;coarseness was coarseness&mdash;whether treated by
+<span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> or anybody else. Nor could the Committee shut their eyes to
+the fact that Mr. <span class="smcap">Irving's</span> histrionic ability, and his popularity with
+those who attended his exhibitions could only intensify the injurious
+effect which such representations must have upon young and
+impressionable minds. In his opinion, much as he regretted having to say
+so, the Lyceum was nothing less than a School of Murder. It aggravated
+rather than extenuated the evil to be told, as they had been told, that
+all these deeds of violence had been represented on the stage with every
+aid which money, art and research could give. Again, was it desirable
+that the Democracy should derive their ideas of the family life of
+crowned heads from being admitted into the scandalous secrets of the
+household of <i>Hamlet</i>? Or did they wish to see an injured husband
+following the example of <i>Othello</i>? A thousand times no. These things
+must be stopped. The Council was very far from taking a Puritanical view
+of the question&mdash;(<i>applause</i>)&mdash;they fully recognised that the stage was
+a necessary social evil, and, as such, must be tolerated until the
+public taste was sufficiently purified to refuse it further countenance;
+but, in the meantime, the Council must insure that such exhibitions as
+they were prepared to sanction were of a kind consistent with the
+preservation of good manners, decorum, and of the public
+peace&mdash;(<i>applause</i>)&mdash;none of which conditions, in the unanimous opinion
+of the Committee, was fulfilled by the class of entertainment which the
+appellant <span class="smcap">Irving</span> had, by his own admission, persisted in providing. On
+those grounds alone the Committee dismissed the Appeal, and declared the
+Lyceum Theatre closed till further notice. He might say, however, that
+they might possibly be induced, after a certain interval, to reconsider
+the question, and allow the theatre to be reopened on <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving's</span>
+undertaking to produce dramas of an entirely unobjectionable character
+in future. (<span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> begged for some more definite leading as to the
+dramas alluded to.) The Chairman said that he had been informed that an
+illustrated periodical called <i>Punch</i> was publishing a series of Moral
+Dramas, in which the sentiments and incidents were alike irreproachable.
+Let <span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> promise to confine himself to these, and the Council would
+see about it. (<span class="smcap">Mr. Irving</span> then withdrew, without, however, having given
+any definite undertaking, and the Committee adjourned.)</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>
+
+<h4>"PUTTING HIS NOSE OUT OF JOINT."</h4>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/110.png">
+<img src="images/110.png" width="100%" alt="PUTTING HIS NOSE OUT OF JOINT." /></a>
+<p><i>Engineering (to Little Tour Eiffel).</i> "<span class="smcap">Where are You, Now, my Little
+Man?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Eiffel Tower is 1000 feet high; if the Forth Bridge were put up
+on end, it would be 5280 feet in height. The tower has in its
+construction 7500 tons of iron; the bridge has 53,000 tons of the
+best steel. The tower was made in about six months; the bridge has
+required seven years. The Eiffel Tower is a wonderful thing; but,
+then, how much more wonderful is the Forth Bridge!"&mdash;<i>Illustrated
+London News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>The Bridge.</i> You took lots of beating, my sky-scraping friend,</p>
+<p class="i4">But <span class="smcap">Benjamin Baker</span> has compassed <i>that</i> end;</p>
+<p class="i4">I am sure Monsieur <span class="smcap">Eiffel</span> himself would allow</p>
+<p class="i4">That the Bridge licks the Tower; so where are you <i>now</i>?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>The Tower.</i> <i>J'y suis et j'y reste</i>, my big friend and great rival,</p>
+<p class="i4">I hope for a long and a glorious survival;</p>
+<p class="i4">But don't mind admitting&mdash;all great souls are frank&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">That you&mdash;for the present at least&mdash;take first rank</p>
+<p class="i4">'Midst the mighty achievements adorning our sphere</p>
+<p class="i4">Of our latest of Titans, the Great Engineer.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>The Bridge.</i> All hail, Engineering! No wonder you're proud</p>
+<p class="i4">Of a work in whose honour all praises are loud;</p>
+<p class="i4">No wonder 'tis opened by princes and peers</p>
+<p class="i4">Amidst technical triumph and popular cheers;</p>
+<p class="i4">No wonder that <span class="smcap">Benjamin Baker</span> feels glad,</p>
+<p class="i4">Sir <span class="smcap">John Fowler</span> and <span class="smcap">Cooper</span> quite other than sad.</p>
+<p class="i4">'Twas a very big job, 'tis a very big day,</p>
+<p class="i4">And the whole country joins in the Scotchmen's Hooray!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>What train of thought was it that led the indefatigable <span class="smcap">Percy Fitzgerald</span>
+to write, <i>The Story of Bradshaw's Guide</i>, which appears in one of the
+most striking wrappers that can be seen on a railway book-stall? How
+pleasant if we could obtain a real outside coat-pocket railway guide
+just this size. It is a pity that the Indefatigable and Percy-vering One
+did not apply to <i>Mr. Punch</i> for permission to reprint the page of
+Bradshaw which appeared in <i>Mr. Punch's Bradshaw's Guide</i>, marvellously
+illustrated by <span class="smcap">Bennett</span>, many years ago. This <i>magnum opus in parvo</i> is
+really interesting and amusing, but if there is one thing more than
+another which he who runs and reads desiderates of an author writing of
+time-tables and guides, it is accuracy. Now, in one particular instance,
+our <span class="smcap">Percy</span> is inaccurate. He writes: "Close on fifty years have passed
+by, and the guide with every year has continued, like <i>Mr. Stiggins</i>, to
+be a 'swellin' wisibly.'" The Brave Baron challenges <span class="smcap">Percy</span> to mortal
+combat on this issue, defying him to prove that <i>Mr. Stiggins</i> was ever
+described within the limits of <i>Pickwick</i>, as "swellin' wisibly." Will
+the erudite biographer of <i>Bradshaw</i> be surprised to learn, that, in the
+first place, the description "swellin' wisibly" was never applied to
+<i>Mr. Stiggins</i> at all, but was used by <i>Mr. Weller</i> senior, as
+illustrating the condition of a "young 'ooman on the next form but two"
+from where he was sitting, who had "drank nine breakfast cups and a
+half, and," he goes on to whisper to <i>Sam</i>, "<i>She's a swellin' wisibly
+before my wery eyes.</i>" In the second place, the expression was employed
+at a time when <i>Mr. Stiggins</i> was not present, but, in his official
+character, as "a deligate from the Dorking branch of our society,
+Brother <i>Stiggins</i>" was in attendance downstairs. With these two
+exceptions, one mistake of omission, and one of commission, the Baron
+confers his <i>imprimatur</i> on the <i>Story of Bradshaw's Guide</i>, and
+recommends it to the public.</p>
+
+<p>For a first-rate, short, well-constructed, and sensationally interesting
+story, let me recommend my readers to <i>The Peril of Richard Pardon</i>.
+Only one possible objection do I see to it, and that is a matter of my
+own private opinion, which is, that <i>Richard Pardon</i> is the most
+irritating idiot ever created by an author. For the sake of the story,
+it was necessary that he should be weak; but he is such a very
+backboneless man, and yet quite strong enough to support the fabric of
+the plot. Then one is cleverly put off the scent by a certain <i>Richard
+Mortlock</i>, from whom the reader expects much more than ever comes out.
+The sequel of this capital novelette must be <i>Richard Mortlock</i>. I have
+quite forgotten to say that <i>The Peril of Richard Pardon</i> is by Mr. <span class="smcap">B.
+L. Farjeon</span>, whom I have to thank for making time pass too rapidly on
+many a previous occasion. The Hour Before Dinner Series&mdash;not that this
+is the genuine title, but it might be, and is a suggestion&mdash;is a real
+"boon and a blessing" to those who, like <i>Podgers</i>, in <span class="smcap">John
+Hollingshead's</span> immortal farce, "only have a 'our," not for "their
+dinner," but for their novel-reading throughout the day. <span class="smcap">Farjeon</span> <i>soit
+b&eacute;ni!</i> (Signed) <i>The Baron de Book-Worms.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AN EVENTFUL WEEK.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>From a Prophetic Journal of Events, looming possibly somewhere
+a-head.</i>)</center>
+
+<p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;London, having now been without coal for sixteen weeks, and
+people having kept their kitchen-fires alight by burning their banisters
+and bedroom furniture, several noted West-end houses undertake to
+deliver the arms and legs of drawing-room chairs ("best screened"), at
+&pound;26 5s. a ton for cash.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;All the petroleum in the country having now been exhausted
+for heating purposes, and Piccadilly being, in consequence, illuminated
+by a night-light in one lamp-post in every three, a "Discontented
+Ratepayer" commences a correspondence in the <i>Times</i>, commenting on the
+matter in a severe temper.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Several Colliery Owners, in despair, descend into their
+own mines for the purpose of trying to raise some coal themselves, but
+their <i>employ&eacute;s</i>, declining to assist in hauling them up again, they are
+left to their fate, and nothing more is heard of them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;A Syndicate of Noblemen determine to try for coal on the
+spot, by sinking a mine in the middle of Belgrave Square, when, on
+arriving at a depth of 2500 feet, they come across an active volcano,
+which proves such a nuisance to the neighbourhood, that the Vestry is
+applied to by several parishioners to put a stop to it. On their sending
+the Sanitary Inspector to investigate the matter, he orders the mine to
+be closed. On this being done, the scheme collapses, several of the
+Syndicate, as a consequence, in despair emigrating to Tierra del Fuego.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;A set of studs and a drawing-room tiara of "Best Wallsend,"
+are shown in a window of a jeweller's in Bond Street, and attract such
+crowds that the Police have to be called in to prevent a block in the
+traffic, and keep the pavement clear for foot passengers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Saturday.</i>&mdash;Furious street riots commenced by a noble Duke in Grosvenor
+Place pulling up the wood pavement in front of his house, and having it
+carted rapidly into his coal-cellars. The move becoming popular, spreads
+in all directions, with the result of leading to serious collisions with
+the local Vestry Authorities, who call in the aid of the Police.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sunday.</i>&mdash;The Archbishop of <span class="smcap">Canterbury</span> preaches to an enormous
+congregation in Westminster Abbey, on the "Plague of Darkness" in Egypt
+by the light of a one-farthing candle. This being, by some misadventure,
+inadvertently knocked over, the assembled multitude are enabled to
+realise, to some extent, the gloomy horrors of the situation as
+described by the reverend preacher, and, stumbling over each other,
+retire to unlighted streets and fireless hearths, to face another week
+of the consequences of the "Trade Problem," with the solution of which
+they have been brought face to face.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GRAND OLD BILLEE.<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a></h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>"It is stated that the captaincy of Deal Castle ... is to be offered
+to Mr. <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>, the captaincy being in the gift of the Lord Warden
+of the Cinque Ports."&mdash;<i>Daily News.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/111.png">
+<img src="images/111.png" width="100%" alt="GRAND OLD BILLEE" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">There were three sailors of London city</p>
+<p class="i2">Who found their (Party) ship at sea,</p>
+<p class="i0">Although with programmes, authorised and unauthorised,</p>
+<p class="i2">Most carefully they had loaded she.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">There was greedy <span class="smcap">Joe</span> and glosing <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the third was named Grand Old <span class="smcap">Billee</span>;</p>
+<p class="i0">And they were reduced to the piteous prospect</p>
+<p class="i2">Of grubbing on one split (Party) pea.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Says greedy <span class="smcap">Joe</span> to glosing <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">"For captaincy I am hungaree."</p>
+<p class="i0">To greedy <span class="smcap">Joe</span> says glosing <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Then you and I must get rid of <i>he</i>."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Says greedy <span class="smcap">Joe</span> to glosing <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">"With one another <i>we</i> should agree.</p>
+<p class="i0">With me as Captain, and you as First Mate,</p>
+<p class="i2">If it wasn't for Grand Old <span class="smcap">Billee</span>."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Oh, <span class="smcap">Billee</span>, we're going to chuck you over,</p>
+<p class="i2">So prepare for a bath in the Irish Sea."</p>
+<p class="i0">When <span class="smcap">Bill</span> received this information,</p>
+<p class="i2">His dexter optic winked he.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"First let me take an observation</p>
+<p class="i2">From the main-top over the Irish Sea!"</p>
+<p class="i0">"Make haste, make haste," says glosing <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whilst <span class="smcap">Joe</span> he fumbled his snickersnee.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So <span class="smcap">Billy</span> went up to the main-top-gallant mast,</p>
+<p class="i2">And began to count o'er the Irish Sea;</p>
+<p class="i0">And he scarce had come to eighty-six, or so,</p>
+<p class="i2">When up he jumps. "Land Ho!" shouts he.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"I can see Ould Ireland! There's the Bay of Dublin;</p>
+<p class="i2">With a distant glimpse of Amerikee.</p>
+<p class="i0">And the Parliament upon College Green, bhoys,</p>
+<p class="i2">With a right good glass I can (almost) see."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So they went ashore, and the crew when mustered</p>
+<p class="i2">Kicked Guzzling <span class="smcap">Joe</span>, and cashiered <span class="smcap">Jimmee</span>.</p>
+<p class="i0">But as for Grand Old <span class="smcap">Billee</span>, they gave him</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the old "Deal Castle" the captaincy!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> As various versions of the popular song of <i>"Little
+Billee</i>" have been set to music and sung, no apology is needed for the
+insertion in these pages of the version most up to date.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<center>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</center>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 24.</i>&mdash;"Look here, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, M.P.," said
+<span class="smcap">Arthur Balfour</span>, almost fiercely; "if you suppose that I enjoy this sort
+of thing, you're quite mistaken." Hadn't supposed any such thing;
+hadn't, indeed, referred to the matter. Only looked at him inquiringly,
+as <span class="smcap">Attorney-General</span> for <span class="smcap">Ireland</span>, trudging stolidly through the mire,
+attempted to answer <span class="smcap">Charles Russell</span>. "If I <i>am</i> Irish Secretary, as
+<span class="smcap">Trevelyan</span> once said, I'm an English gentleman, and if you suppose I have
+any sympathy with the sort of thing that goes on at Clongorey, you're
+mistaken. But I am answerable for law and order, and law and order I
+maintain."</p>
+
+<p>Thus <span class="smcap">Arthur</span>, quite querulous. Have noticed sometimes, when a man
+hopelessly in the wrong, he is inclined to turn on his best friend and
+rend him. This Clongorey business, truly, a bad one. When, just now,
+<span class="smcap">Sexton</span> moved adjournment of House, in order to call attention to it,
+Conservatives rose with one accord and went forth. They know <span class="smcap">Windbag
+Sexton</span> of old, and thought he was probably going to favour them with one
+of his usual exercises. Better this once have stopped and listened.
+Interesting to see how two hundred English gentlemen would have voted
+had they learned all about Clongorey. Happily less, far less, than usual
+of the windbag about <span class="smcap">Sexton</span>. His story, in truth, needed no assistance
+from wind instrument. Farms at Clongorey simply strips of reclaimed bog
+land, on which struggling tenants had built miserable shanties; got
+along in good times; just managed to keep body and soul together, and
+pay the rent&mdash;rent on land they had literally created, and for huts they
+had actually built. Two years ago came a flood; swamped them. Asked
+landlord to make temporary reduction on rent, to tide over troublesome
+times. Landlord offered a pitiful trifle. What was thought of this shown
+by County Court Judge, who, on cases that came before him, permanently
+reduced rent by thrice amount of temporary reduction proffered. Judge
+further suggested that arrears should be wiped out. Landlord declined to
+listen to suggestion. Tenants drowned out by the cruel river, dragged
+out by the relentless landlord. Stood by whilst the emergency men
+wrenched roofs off their huts, and set fire to the ruins. A neighbour
+offered them shelter, enlarging out-buildings on her farm. Down came the
+police on workmen engaged in this act of charity. A hundred police, paid
+for by tax-payer, swooped down with fixed bayonets on Clongorey,
+arrested labourers, handcuffed them, marched them off to police
+barracks.</p>
+
+<p>This is the simple Story of Clongorey, reduced to facts not denied by
+<span class="smcap">Balfour</span> or <span class="smcap">Attorney-General</span>, divested of all incidental matters alleged,
+such as the parading of the handcuffed prisoners through the crowded
+streets of the town, the police making raids among the crowd, naturally
+gathered to see the sight. "One man had his eyeball burst, another his
+skull broken." <span class="smcap">Charles Russell</span>, not given to exaggerated views, somewhat
+reputable as a legal authority, with law-books in hand stated his
+opinion that, apart from incidents of the foray, magistrates and police
+were acting illegally.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said <span class="smcap">Long Lawrance</span>, turning his back on House of Commons, "I'm
+glad they've made me a Judge. Have ever been what is called a good
+Party-man; believe in <span class="smcap">Balfour</span>; always ready to back him up with my vote;
+but, dash my wig (now that I'm going to wear a full-bottomed one) if I
+like voting to render possible the repetition of a business like this at
+Clongorey. Must begin to cultivate a judicial frame of mind; so I'll go
+for a walk on the terrace." <span class="smcap">Lawrance's</span> view evidently taken in other
+quarters of Conservative camp, for, after diligent whipping up,
+Ministerial majority reduced to 42. <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Address agreed to.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Midst a mass of Notices of Motion, a sea of troublous words,
+<span class="smcap">George Trevelyan</span> drops in a score which shines forth with light of common
+sense. "Why," he asks, "does not Parliament rise at beginning of July,
+sitting through winter months for whatsoever longer period may be
+necessary for the due transaction of public business?"</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/112a.png">
+<img src="images/112a.png" width="100%" alt="Spurgeon&#39;s Pulpit" /></a>
+<h4>"Spurgeon's Pulpit, Ha, ha!"</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Why not? On Friday, the 14th March, <span class="smcap">Trevelyan</span> will put the question in
+formal way before House, so that they may vote on it. Conservative
+majority may well be expected to support it. No new thing; simply
+revival of older fashion. Our great grandfathers knew better than to
+swelter in London through July, pass the Twelfth of August at
+Westminster, and go off forlorn and jaded in the early days of
+September. Hunting men may have objections to raise; but then hunting
+men, though eminently respectable class, are not everybody, not even a
+majority; may even be spared to go hunting as usual. <span class="smcap">Walpole</span> hunted like
+anything, yet in <span class="smcap">Walpole's</span> day Parliament oftener met in November than
+at any other time of year, and with due provision for Christmas
+holidays, sat into early summer. The thing can be done, and ought to be
+done&mdash;will be done if <span class="smcap">Trevelyan</span> sticks to it. Not nearly such a
+revolution in Procedure as that which, only a couple of years ago,
+established the automatic close of Debate at midnight. Who is there
+would like to go back to the old order of things in this respect?</p>
+
+<p>Got into Committee of Supply to-night on Vote for Houses of Parliament.
+<span class="smcap">Tony Lumpkin</span> turned up again. Last Session, in moment of inspiration,
+<span class="smcap">Tony</span> spluttered forth a joke; likened new staircase in Westminster Hall
+to <span class="smcap">Spurgeon's</span> Pulpit. It is just as like the River Thames or Finsbury
+Park; but that's where the fun lies. Incongruity is the soul of wit.
+Everybody laughed last Session when <span class="smcap">Tony</span>, with much gurgling, produced
+this bantling; brings it out again to-night.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't have too much of a good thing, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>," he says, wrestling with his
+exuberant shirt-front, and rubbing his hair the wrong way. "Always had
+my joke, you know, down in the country. Remember the little affair of
+the circuitous drive? This is what you may call my urban class of
+humour. <span class="smcap">Spurgeon's</span> Pulpit, Ha, ha!"&mdash;and <span class="smcap">Tony</span> walked off delighted with
+himself.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Supplementary Estimates.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Pity that prejudice should be allowed to stand in way of
+doing the best thing. Talk just now of pending vacancies on the Bench;
+such talk recurrent; sometimes more talk than vacancy. "But I pass from
+that," as <span class="smcap">Arthur Balfour</span> says, when gliding over knotty points of
+question put from Irish Benches. If not vacancy to-morrow, sure to be
+within week, or month, or year. Why not make <span class="smcap">Jemmy Lowther</span> a Judge? It
+is true he has no practice at the Bar; but he was "called," and, I
+believe, went. That is a detail; what we desire in our Judges are, a
+certain impressive air, a striking presence, and an art of rotund
+speech. <span class="smcap">James</span> has played many parts in his time&mdash;Parliamentary Secretary
+to the Poor-Law Board, Under-Secretary for the Colonies, Chief Secretary
+for Ireland, and Steward of the Jockey Club. In this last capacity he, a
+year ago, temporarily assumed judicial functions. How well he bore
+himself! with what dignity! with what awful suavity! with what
+irreproachable integrity!</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/112b.png">
+<img src="images/112b.png" width="100%" alt="Earl and Umbrella" /></a>
+<h4>Earl and Umbrella.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>That this manner is ingrained, is testified to on the occasions, too
+infrequent, when <span class="smcap">Jemmy</span> rises in House. To-night <span class="smcap">Buchanan</span> asked <span class="smcap">Home
+Secretary</span> a question, involving disrespect of rabbit-coursing. <span class="smcap">James</span>,
+the great patron of British sport in all developments, slowly rose, and
+impressively interposed. Was his Right Hon. friend, the <span class="smcap">Home Secretary</span>,
+aware that rabbit-coursing, conducted under recognised and established
+regulations, affords pastime to large masses of the industrious
+population who are unable, from their pecuniary circumstances, to
+indulge in the more expensive forms of sport? Those were <span class="smcap">Jemmy's</span> words,
+each syllable deliberately enunciated. What a study for the aspirant to
+Parliamentary style!</p>
+
+<p>Kindly Earl of <span class="smcap">Ravensworth</span>, who still haunts the Chamber in which Lord
+<span class="smcap">Eslington</span> once had a place, chanced to hear this question. Delighted
+with it. Wished he could introduce something of that sort in House of
+Lords. Went about Lobby with his faithful umbrella (companion of his
+daily life, wet or shine) murmuring the musical phrases. "Recognised and
+established regulations," "afford pastime to large masses of industrious
+population," "unable from pecuniary circumstances," "the more expensive
+forms of sport." That all very well, but not quite all. Easy enough to
+catch the trick of speech; who but <span class="smcap">Jemmy Lowther</span> can add the indefinable
+personal gifts which invest even the commonplace with impressiveness?</p>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Lots. Ministers bring in Bills by the half-dozen.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/113a.png">
+<img src="images/113a.png" width="100%" alt="Grand Historical Picture" /></a>
+<p>Grand Historical Picture. Mr. Labouchere struggling with
+his Conscience.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Such <i>alouettes</i>! <span class="smcap">Sage of Queen Anne's Gate</span>, who can't abear
+scandals, brought on alleged iniquity of Government in connection with
+Cleveland Street affair. Got off his speech; <span class="smcap">Attorney-General</span> replied;
+then <span class="smcap">Sage</span> proposed to offer few supplementary remarks. In course of
+these appeared frank declaration of his private opinion that everything
+the <span class="smcap">Markiss</span> says must be taken <i>cum grano Salis</i>-<span class="smcap">BURY</span>; only the way he
+put it was much worse than that. <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> asked him to withdraw.
+"Shan't!" said the <span class="smcap">Sage</span>. Then <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> named him (calling him, by the
+way, "Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Labouchere</span>.") <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>, rising to height of duty and
+occasion, moved that <span class="smcap">Sage</span> be suspended.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, hang it!" cried Opposition&mdash;"can't agree to that."</p>
+
+<p>Divided on proposal; beaten, and <span class="smcap">Sage</span> hung up for a week. "He'll be
+pretty well dried by that time," grimly muttered the <span class="smcap">Attorney-General</span>,
+whom the <span class="smcap">Sage</span> had stroked the wrong way.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Vote on Account agreed to.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"A DOSE OF GREGORY."</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/113b.png">
+<img src="images/113b.png" width="100%" alt="The Ruffled Hare" /></a>
+<p>The Ruffled Hare. "This is your umbrella!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>It is some time since I have tasted a dramatic mixture so much to my
+liking as Mr. <span class="smcap">Grundy's</span> Gregory's Mixture, known to the public, and
+likely to be highly popular with the public too, as <i>A Pair of
+Spectacles</i>. Art more refined than Mr. <span class="smcap">Hare's</span>, as <i>Benjamin Goldfinch</i>
+in this piece, has not been seen on the stage for many a long day; nor,
+except in <i>A Quiet Rubber</i>, do I remember Mr. <span class="smcap">Hare</span> having had anything
+like this particular chance of displaying his rare skill as a genuine
+comedian of the very first rank.</p>
+
+<p>Everyone remembers, or ought to remember, <span class="smcap">Dickens's</span> "<i>Brothers
+Cheeryble</i>." Well, <i>Benjamin Goldfinch</i> has all the milk of human
+kindness which characterised these philanthropic Gemini. As to moral
+characteristics, he is these two single gentlemen rolled into one, while
+physically, his exterior rather conjures up the picture of <i>Harold
+Skimpole</i>, though his eyes beam with the youthful impetuosity of old
+<i>Martin Chuzzlewit</i> when he caned <i>Pecksniff</i>. To this delightfully
+guileless good Samaritan, the rough, nay brutal, <i>Uncle Gregory</i> from
+Sheffield, with a heart apparently as hard as his own ware, is a
+contrast most skilfully brought out by Mr. <span class="smcap">Charles Grove</span>. Though the
+part of <i>Uncle Gregory</i> does not require the delicate treatment demanded
+by that of <i>Goldfinch</i>, yet it might very easily be overdone; but never
+once does Mr. <span class="smcap">Grove</span> overshoot the mark, although the author has
+imperilled its success by too frequent repetition of a catch-phrase, "I
+know that man," "I know that father," "I know that friend," and so
+forth, which is sometimes on the verge of becoming wearisome. Indeed,
+even now, I should be inclined to cut out at least half a dozen of these
+variations of the original phrase. His short but sufficient
+representation of the effects of too much lunch on <i>Uncle Gregory</i> is
+masterly. So realistic, in the best sense of the word, is the
+impersonation of these two characters, that one is inclined to resent
+the brutality of <i>Uncle Gregory</i>, when one sees the change suddenly
+effected in the sweet and sympathetic nature of <i>Benjamin Goldfinch</i>,
+and when we see him suspicious of everybody, and even of his young wife,
+whom he loves so dearly, we murmur, "Oh, what a noble mind is here
+o'erthrown!" And, indeed, but that it is impossible to help laughing
+from first to last, the final scenes of this charming piece, replete
+with touches of real human nature, would send an audience away crying
+with joy, to think of the possible goodness existent in the world, of
+which one occasionally hears, but so seldom sees, except on the stage.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/113c.png">
+<img src="images/113c.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Grove as Gregory the Grater" /></a>
+<p>Mr. Grove as Gregory the Grater.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Not a part in this piece is even indifferently played. The two young
+men, Mr. <span class="smcap">Rudge Harding</span>, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Sydney Brough</span>, both very good, the
+latter having better dramatic opportunities, and making the most of
+them. Mr. <span class="smcap">Dodsworth</span> just the very man for <i>Friend Lorimer</i>; Mr. <span class="smcap">Cathcart</span>
+is <i>Joyce</i>, the Butler; and of the two Shoemakers, respectively played
+by Mr. <span class="smcap">Knight</span> and Mr. <span class="smcap">Byron</span>, I can only say, "I know those shoemakers."</p>
+
+<p>As for the Ladies, Miss <span class="smcap">Kate Rorke</span> looks very pretty, and acts
+charmingly as young <i>Mrs. Goldfinch</i>; Miss <span class="smcap">Horlock</span> is very nice as <i>Lucy
+Lorimer</i>, delivering herself of a little bit of picturesque sentiment
+about feeding the birds (<i>Les Petits Oiseaux</i> is the title of the old
+French piece, if I remember rightly) in a rather too forcedly ingenuous
+manner, but behaving most naturally in the interrupted courtship scene,
+and being generally very sympathetic. I mustn't omit Miss <span class="smcap">Hunter</span>, pink
+of parlour-maids, not the conventional flirty soubrette nor the
+low-comedy waiting-woman, but a self-respecting, responsible young
+person, conscious of her own and her young man's moral rectitude, and
+satisfied with quarter-day and the Post-Office Savings Bank.</p>
+
+<p>Only one single fault have I to find with the piece, and as it cannot be
+entirely remedied, though it might be modified, I will mention it. The
+title is a mistake; that can't be altered now: but the attempt at
+illustrating the double-meaning conveyed in the title by the practical
+"business" of changing the material glasses and thus hampering the actor
+by the necessity of altering his expression and his manner in accordance
+with his deposition or his resumption of these spectacles, seems to me
+to be childish to a degree, and tends towards turning this simple tale
+into a kind of fairy story, in which the spectacles play the part of a
+magic potion or charm, such as Mr. <span class="smcap">W. S. Gilbert</span> would use in his
+<i>Creatures of Impulse</i>, his <i>Fogarty's Fairy</i>, and his <i>Sorcerer</i>,
+whenever he wishes to bring about a sudden and otherwise inexplicable
+transition from one mental attitude to another, and entirely opposite.
+But for the earnestness of the actors, this <i>reductio ad Fairydum</i> would
+have imparted an air of unreality to the characters and incidents which
+does not belong to them. The plot is a model of neat construction; and,
+to everyone at all in doubt as to where to pass an agreeable evening, I
+say, "Go to the Garrick Theatre." By the way, a Correspondent suggests
+that <i>A Pair of Spectacles</i> is an illustration of "The Hares
+Preservation Bill,"</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Jack in a Box</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Disclaimer.</span>&mdash;The Right Hon. Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Chaplin</span>, M.P., Anti-muzzle-man
+and Minister of Agriculture, wishes to deny explicitly that, when, by a
+<i>lapsus calami</i>, he was made to describe Mr. <span class="smcap">Tay Pay O'Connor</span> as
+"peeping from behind the Speaker's chair," he ever intended to fix upon
+that honourable gentleman the <i>sobriquet</i> of "Peeping Tom"; nor had he
+any idea of sending him to Coventry. What he <i>did</i> say was&mdash;&mdash; but it
+doesn't much matter what "he <i>did</i> say," what he <i>didn't</i> say is so much
+more to the point.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Stanley and African Exhibition.</span>&mdash;One of the largest contributors
+will be Mr. <span class="smcap">Bonny</span>. This sounds well; at all events, it's <span class="smcap">Bonny</span>. The
+French, who are now welcoming their own private African hero, <i>le
+Capitaine</i> <span class="smcap">Trivier</span>, back to his native land, may be induced to place
+their trophies under Mr. <span class="smcap">Bonny's</span> care, as, if Imperialists, they can
+then say they have a <span class="smcap">Bonny</span>-part in this Exhibition.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">From an Indignant Correspondent.</span>&mdash;"Sir,&mdash;I sent you a joke three months
+ago, which you have not used. Since then I have made arrangements for
+the joke to appear elsewhere." [What a chance we have lost!&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed.</span>]</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/114.png">
+<img src="images/114.png" width="100%" alt="INFELICITOUS QUERIES." /></a>
+<h4>INFELICITOUS QUERIES.</h4>
+<p><i>He.</i> "<span class="smcap">By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion
+when I made such an awful Ass of myself?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="smcap"><i>Which?</i></span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"THE BIG GUN!"</h2>
+
+<center><i>Grand Old Gunner loquitur:&mdash;</i></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">'Tis a regular "Mons Meg" of a cannon!</p>
+<p class="i2">The swabs, they have been every one,</p>
+<p class="i0">Very hard the Grand Old (Gunner) Man on,</p>
+<p class="i2">But what will they think of <i>this</i> gun?</p>
+<p class="i0">Double shotted, and charged to the muzzle,</p>
+<p class="i2">And trained by my hands and my eye,</p>
+<p class="i0">The foes I conceive it will puzzle,</p>
+<p class="i10">And tempt them to fly.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Mere skirmishing, up to the present,</p>
+<p class="i2">With pop-guns, and flint-locks, and such;</p>
+<p class="i0">But now! They will not find it pleasant,</p>
+<p class="i2">When once this huge touch-hole I touch.</p>
+<p class="i0">Mighty <span class="smcap">C&aelig;sar</span>! I guess they won't like it;</p>
+<p class="i2">Great <span class="smcap">Scott</span>! won't it just raise a din?</p>
+<p class="i0">And don't they just wish they could spike it</p>
+<p class="i10">Before we begin?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The fun of it is, they have furnished</p>
+<p class="i2">The filling themselves, unaware.</p>
+<p class="i0">The shot they've cast, polished, and burnished,</p>
+<p class="i2">The powder were prompt to prepare.</p>
+<p class="i0">It's pitiful, quite, their position,</p>
+<p class="i2">To see, the unfortunate elves!</p>
+<p class="i0">Their carefully-stored ammunition</p>
+<p class="i10">Thus turned on themselves.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Their batteries big it should batter,</p>
+<p class="i2">Their trenches should burst and blow up,</p>
+<p class="i0">Their forces allied it should scatter,</p>
+<p class="i2">It's worse than an Armstrong or Krupp.</p>
+<p class="i0">Chain-shot for swift slaughter's not in it,</p>
+<p class="i2">For spreading it's better than grape,</p>
+<p class="i0">They'll all be smashed up in a minute,</p>
+<p class="i10">Scarce one can escape.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Now, <span class="smcap">Morley</span>, my boy, and brave <span class="smcap">Parnell</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>I'll</i> lay it; just follow my hand.</p>
+<p class="i0">That plain will soon look like a charnel,</p>
+<p class="i2">With all that remains of their band;</p>
+<p class="i0">The "fragments of him called <span class="smcap">McCarty</span>"</p>
+<p class="i2">(Referred to, I think, in the song)</p>
+<p class="i0">Were huge chunks to the scraps that their Party</p>
+<p class="i10">Will show before long.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They shall see what I can do, when ready,</p>
+<p class="i2">As Grand Old (Artillery) Man.</p>
+<p class="i0">Right, <span class="smcap">Parnell</span>! left, <span class="smcap">Morley</span>! Now, steady!!!</p>
+<p class="i2">Stop! Just one last peep, whilst I can!</p>
+<p class="i0">I <i>do</i> hope, dear boys, there's no blunder;</p>
+<p class="i2">I <i>think</i> it is loaded all right.</p>
+<p class="i0">Are they horribly frightened, I wonder?</p>
+<p class="i10">Well, now for a sight!!!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/115.png">
+<img src="images/115.png" width="100%" alt="THE BIG GUN" /></a>
+<h4>"THE BIG GUN!"</h4>
+<p><span class="smcap">Grand Old Gunner</span> (<i>inspecting Cannon</i>). "<span class="smcap">IT'S BEAUTIFULLY LOADED! WHY,
+THE MERE LOOK OF IT IS ENOUGH TO SHAKE SM-TH'S 'RESOLUTION.</span>'"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OLD FRIENDS AND COUNSEL.</h2>
+
+<p>Our old friend <span class="smcap">Maddison Morton's</span> <i>Box and Cox</i> runs <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> works
+generally very near in the matter of daily application. But fancy its
+being quoted as an authority by Sir <span class="smcap">Horace Davey</span>, in his masterly reply
+to t'other side in the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln's</span> case. Yet so it was. "Bishop
+<span class="smcap">Cosin</span>," said Sir <span class="smcap">Horace</span>, "had erroneously assumed that a letter had been
+written by <span class="smcap">Calvin</span> to <span class="smcap">Knox</span>, whereas it had been really written to an
+Englishman named Cox." So it was a mistake of the postman, after all,
+and it only wants the introduction of the name of Box to make the whole
+thing perfect and satisfactory. "It will be within the recollection of
+the Court," Sir <span class="smcap">Horace</span> might have continued, "that Cox was prevented
+from becoming the husband of <span class="smcap">Penelope Anne</span>, relict of <span class="smcap">William Wiggins</span>,
+Proprietor of Bathing Machines at Margate and Ramsgate, by the sudden
+and totally unforeseen union of the lady in question with one <span class="smcap">Knox</span>,
+whose residence, as the Musical Revised Version has it, was usually 'in
+the Docks'; and with this marriage of <span class="smcap">Penelope Anne Wiggins</span> with Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Knox</span> of the Docks, Messrs. <span class="smcap">Box and Cox</span> professed themselves entirely and
+completely satisfied, as it is my earnest hope that Your Grace, and My
+Lords the Bishops, will also be. And should this be the result, then I
+assure Your Grace that there will not be a happier party sit down this
+night to supper than '<span class="smcap">Read</span> and others,' of which fact you may take your
+Davey."</p>
+
+<p>On the Learned Counsel resuming his seat, there would have been
+considerable applause, which, of course, would have been instantly
+suppressed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Notes "in Globo."</span>&mdash;<i>Dorothy</i> was long ago taken off the stage of the
+Prince of Wales's to make room for <i>Paul Jones</i>. But another <span class="smcap">Dorothy</span> has
+recently reappeared at the Globe Theatre in the pretty Shakspearian
+fairy-play entitled, <i>A Midsummer Night's Dream</i>, wherein <span class="smcap">Dorothy Dene</span>
+enacts the part of <i>Hippolyta</i>. By the way, the lady who used to speak
+of that immortal work, <i>Dixon's Johnsonary</i>, the other day referred to
+<span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> as being "contemporaneous with that great wit&mdash;dear me&mdash;what
+was his name?&mdash;who wrote <i>Every Man in his own Humour</i>&mdash;oh, I
+remember&mdash;<span class="smcap">John Benson</span>." Eminently satisfactory.</p>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MY TAILOR.</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/117a.png">
+<img src="images/117a.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The St. Petersburgh tailors have hit upon an effectual device for
+obtaining payment of their bills. Immense black-boards are hung up
+in the most conspicuous place in the reception-room; thereon are
+chalked, in letters as big as arrow-headed inscriptions, the names
+of their hopelessly-indebted clients, and the amount of their
+indebtedness."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who always seemed serene and bland;</p>
+<p class="i0">Who never asked for "cash in hand,"</p>
+<p class="i0">Quite pleased that my account should "stand"?</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who catered for the gilded throng,</p>
+<p class="i0">Who chid me when my taste was wrong,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whose credit&mdash;and whose price&mdash;was long?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who chatted when I felt depressed,</p>
+<p class="i0">Who proffered wine with friendly zest,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whose weeds were ever of the best?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who with sartorial oil anoints</p>
+<p class="i0">My vanity, who pads my joints,</p>
+<p class="i0">And fortifies my weakest points?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But who in future, much I fear,</p>
+<p class="i0">Will greet me with no words of cheer,</p>
+<p class="i0">But talk of "settling"&mdash;language queer?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who silently will point his hand</p>
+<p class="i0">To figures white on black-board grand.</p>
+<p class="i0">Where all my unpaid "items" stand?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who'll thus expose me to my peers,</p>
+<p class="i0">Bring on me jibes, and flouts, and sneers,</p>
+<p class="i0">Male sniggerings, and female tears?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who'll frown when I suggest a loan,</p>
+<p class="i0">And ne'er produce Clicquot or Beaune,</p>
+<p class="i0">But for his "checks" demand my own?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who'll take my "measures" when he wills,</p>
+<p class="i0">But only if I take his "bills,"</p>
+<p class="i0">And add one more to human ills?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">My Tailor!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TAKEN AS YOU LIKE IT.</h2>
+
+<p class="salute"><span class="smcap">My Dear Editor,</span></p>
+
+<p>It was most kind of you to ask me to go to the St. James's Theatre, the
+other evening, to see Mrs. <span class="smcap">Langtry</span>, after I had told you that since my
+recovery from the influenza, I had unfortunately lost my memory. "Don't
+you know anything about <i>As You Like It</i>?" you asked. I pondered deeply,
+and then replied, that I half fancied it was a <span class="smcap">German Reed's</span>
+Entertainment, that would have gone better had it included a part for
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Corney Grain</span>. You told me I was wrong, but intimated that my
+ignorance on the subject would make my notice the more impartial. So I
+went.</p>
+
+<p>As to the play&mdash;was I pleased with <i>As You Like It</i>? Well, I have known
+worse, but I have seen better. It seemed a mixture of prose and verse,
+with several topical allusions that appeared, somehow or other, to have
+lost their point. For instance, a dull dog of a jester (played in a
+funereal fashion by Mr. <span class="smcap">Sugden</span>) stopped the action of the piece, for
+what seemed to me (no doubt the time was actually less) some
+three-quarters of an hour, while he explained the difference between the
+"retort courteous" and "the reproof valiant." The plot was as thin as a
+wafer, but as it is, no doubt, generally known, I need not further refer
+to it. Mrs. <span class="smcap">Langtry</span> was a most graceful and pleasing <i>Rosalind</i>. She
+acted with an earnestness worthy of a better cause, and afforded not a
+trace of the amateur. Of Miss <span class="smcap">Violet Armbruster</span> as <i>Hymen</i>, I might say,
+with a friend who spent several hours in knocking off the impromptu&mdash;</p>
+
+<center>TO A SEASONABLE VIOLET.</center>
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Had always Hymen</p>
+<p class="i2">Such mien, such carriage,</p>
+<p class="i0">You ne'er would fly, men,</p>
+<p class="i2">The state of marriage!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/117b.png">
+<img src="images/117b.png" width="100%" alt="A New PieceA New Piece" /></a>
+<h4>A New Piece.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Lawrence Cautley</span>, as <i>Orlando</i>, had an uphill part. At times (thanks
+to the author) he appeared in situations that were absolutely
+ridiculous. For instance, he leaves an old retainer (capitally played by
+that soundest of sound actors, Mr. <span class="smcap">Everill</span>) dying of starvation, and,
+sword in hand, appears at a pic-nic of the banished <i>Duke</i>, to demand
+refreshment. "I almost die for food, and let me have it," says
+<i>Orlando</i>, and is welcomed by the <i>Duke</i> to his table. And what does
+<i>Orlando</i> do? Does he seize the boar's head, or something equally
+attractive, and rush back to his fainting servitor with the prize? Not a
+bit of it! He leisurely delivers fourteen lines of blank verse about the
+"shade of melancholy boughs," "the creeping hours of time," and
+"blushing, hides his sword!" In my neighbourhood happened to be one of
+the greatest advocates of our generation, and I heard this legal
+luminary whisper, "while that fellow is talking, the old servant will
+die of starvation," and the legal luminary was entirely and absolutely
+right. <i>Adam would</i> have died of starvation while his garrulous master
+was posturing. A country wench called <i>Audrey</i> was admirably
+impersonated by Miss <span class="smcap">Marion Lea</span>, and the remainder of the cast was, on
+the whole, satisfactory. Stay, it is only just that I should single out
+for special commendation Mr. <span class="smcap">Arthur Bourchier</span>, who played a character,
+to whom reference was frequently made as "the melancholy <i>Jaques</i>,"
+faultlessly. Here again the author committed an indiscretion. <i>Jaques</i>
+(by the way, why was not Mr. <span class="smcap">Sugden's</span> rôle described as, "the more
+melancholy <i>Touchstone</i>?") is permitted to stop the action of the piece
+to deliver some thirty lines commencing with the trite truism, "all the
+world's a stage." Mr. <span class="smcap">Bourchier</span> spoke his words with excellent
+discretion, but I cannot help thinking that, in the cause of Art, the
+speech should have been cut out, and I have no doubt, that Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Bourchier</span>, as a true artist, will cordially agree with me.</p>
+
+<p>And so, to quote Mrs. <span class="smcap">Langtry</span> in the Epilogue, "farewell;" but in spite
+of what you have said to the contrary, I am still of opinion, my dear
+Editor, that <i>As You Like It</i> must have been originally intended for Mr.
+and Mrs. <span class="smcap">German Reed's</span> Entertainment, minus Mr. <span class="smcap">Corney Grain</span>.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Sincerely Yours,</p>
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A Correspondent Without a Memory</span>.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Art-Auctioneer's Religion, "Christie</span>-anity."</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AN ASTRAL COMPLICATION.</h2>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/117c.png">
+<img src="images/117c.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In periods of sleep, despair,</p>
+<p class="i2">Of aberration, we have guessed</p>
+<p class="i0">We were not altogether there,</p>
+<p class="i2">But seldom known where was the rest.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Our Astral Bodies wander far,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whenever they will not be missed.</p>
+<p class="i0">Strange things in earth and heaven are</p>
+<p class="i2">For the devout theosophist.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Young <span class="smcap">Wilfrid</span> wooed the wealth of <span class="smcap">Clare</span>;</p>
+<p class="i2">But ah, in spite of golden dearth,</p>
+<p class="i0">His mind and heart approved more fair</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Kate's</span> intellect and moral worth.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Prudence my steps inspire!" he said;</p>
+<p class="i2">And automatically to</p>
+<p class="i0">The residence of <span class="smcap">Clare</span> he sped,</p>
+<p class="i2">And gained an instant's interview.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Fairest," he cried, "my homage deep</p>
+<p class="i2">Ah, not your rank, your wealth command!</p>
+<p class="i0">These idle baubles, lady, keep.</p>
+<p class="i2">Give me alone this lily hand!"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"I will," she said. (The dinner gong</p>
+<p class="i2">That moment sounded.) "Haste away;</p>
+<p class="i0">But meet me in the social throng</p>
+<p class="i2">To-morrow&mdash;that is, Saturday."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">That self-same hour&mdash;the clock struck eight&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">In Holloway began to muse</p>
+<p class="i0">The charming and the gifted <span class="smcap">Kate</span></p>
+<p class="i2">On logarithms most abstruse.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Her door stood wide! Who entered there?</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twas <span class="smcap">Wilfrid</span> spoke in hollow tone.</p>
+<p class="i0">"With me life's logarithms share,</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Kate</span>, that I cannot solve alone!"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"I will," she answered. "But begone!</p>
+<p class="i2">Strange chaperons inspect, explore.</p>
+<p class="i0">The Principal, the stairs is on!"</p>
+<p class="i2">He sighed, and vanished from the door.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Next eve, amid the social throng,</p>
+<p class="i2">Serene stood <span class="smcap">Clare</span> at <span class="smcap">Wilfrid's</span> side;</p>
+<p class="i0">And dreaming not that aught was wrong,</p>
+<p class="i2">She gaily questioned and replied.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Till <span class="smcap">Wilfrid</span> suddenly was 'ware,</p>
+<p class="i2">Close by, of a familiar face,</p>
+<p class="i0">And realised with wild despair</p>
+<p class="i2">All, all the horror of the case!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Oh, what is wrong?" cried <span class="smcap">Clare</span> in awe.</p>
+<p class="i2">Calmly, he answered. "It was He,</p>
+<p class="i0">My Astral Body, that she saw.</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh, which am I? Oh, woe is me!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">East-ern Art in Bond Street.</span>&mdash;"So let the world jog along as it will,
+I'll be Japanese-y still! Japanese-y, Japanese-y. I'll be Japanese-y
+still!" Can't help singing when we see Mr. <span class="smcap">East's</span> pictures of Japan at
+the Fine Art Society's Gallery. This clever artist sojourned in that
+country from March to September. He kept his eyes open and his hand ever
+busy, and has brought back more than a hundred pictures&mdash;fresh,
+brilliant, and original. Such marvellous aspects of scenery, such wealth
+of colour, such novelty do we behold, that we long to start off at once
+to Yokohama, to Nikk&ocirc;, to Hakone, to T&ocirc;kiyo, or any one of these
+delightful places&mdash;singing. "Let's quit this cold climate so dull and
+Britannical, And revel in sunshine and colour Japanical!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Probable Publication.</span>&mdash;Companion work to <i>Sardine and the Sardes</i>, by
+the same author, to be entitled <i>Sardinia and the Sardines</i>, illustrated
+in oils, and sold in tincases. Great reduction (at lunch time) on taking
+a quantity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%">
+<a href="images/118.png">
+<img src="images/118.png" width="100%" alt="THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES" /></a>
+<h4>THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES AT LAMBETH.<br />(<i>As seen by
+Mr. Punch's Artist in a Fog.</i>)</h4>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES.</h2>
+
+<p>Lambeth is in darkness. A Policeman with a bull's-eye prevents my
+driver's energetic endeavours to drive through the Palace wall. I
+stumble into the large hall known as the Library. "Here," said I to
+myself, "is taking place the historic trial of the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>."
+The weird scene strongly resembles the Dream Trial in <i>The Bells</i>, where
+the judges, counsel, and all concerned, are in a fog. Will the limelight
+flash suddenly upon the chief actor, the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>, as he takes
+the stage and re-acts the part that has caused the trial? Archbishop
+<span class="smcap">Bancroft</span> founded this library, so theatrical associations are natural.
+The only lights in the long and lofty library (excepting the clerical
+and legal) are a dozen or two wax candles and a few oil-lamps, but of
+daylight, gaslight, or electric, nothing. I can hear the voice of <span class="smcap">Jeune</span>,
+Q.C., the <span class="smcap">Jeune</span> <i>premier</i> of this ecclesiastical drama.</p>
+
+<p>They have commenced proceedings. In this, the Archbishop's Court, they,
+very properly, begin with prayer. So does the House of Commons. "Any
+special form of orison?" I ask in a whisper of the <span class="smcap">Jeune</span> <i>premier</i>, Q.C.
+"Yes," he answers in a subdued tone. "Look in your prayer-book for 'form
+of prayer to be used by those at sea.' That's it." Then he has to
+continue his argument.</p>
+
+<p>At the further end of the library we have the Church, represented by an
+Archbishop and five Bishops; also a Judge, in a full-bottomed wig, who
+has evidently got in by mistake. Then we have the Law, represented by a
+row of Q.C.'s, their juniors, and attendants; and then a chorus of
+ordinary people, and common, or Thames Policemen. But where's the Bishop
+of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>? Not among the Thames Policemen? Not in the Dock? Where? Aha!
+I see him. I focus him. I sketch him. <i>Veni, vidi, vici!</i> I show result
+on paper to Official. "Oh, no," he says; "that's not the Bishop, that's
+<span class="smcap">Thingummy</span>," a Clerk of the Court, or something. Hang <span class="smcap">Thingummy</span>! Official
+disappears. Lights, ho! a link on Lincoln! I determine to find him. The
+Bishops sit round three tables, on a raised platform. The Archbishop of
+<span class="smcap">Canterbury</span> sits in the centre; on his right is the mysterious Judge, in
+full wig, and red robes; this is the Vicar-General, Sir <span class="smcap">James Parker
+Deane</span>, Q.C.; next to him sits Assessor Dr. <span class="smcap">Atlay</span>, Bishop of <span class="smcap">Hereford</span>,
+who looks anything but happy; his hair has the appearance of being
+impelled by a strong draught, and his hand is to his face, as if the
+draught had produced toothache. The portly Bishop of <span class="smcap">Oxford</span> is on his
+right, and like the other corner man, the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span>, he
+scribbles away at a great rate in a huge manuscript book, or roll of
+foolscap. On the left of the Archbishop sits the Bishop of <span class="smcap">London</span>, who
+severely questions the Counsel, and evidently relishes acting the
+school-master over again. The Bishop of <span class="smcap">Rochester</span> sitting on <span class="smcap">London's</span>
+left, supplies the comedy element, so far as facial expression goes; his
+mouth is wide open, and he holds some papers in front of him in an
+attitude which suggests that he will presently break forth into song.
+But where, oh where, is the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>? Ah, I see him. I sketch
+him. I write his name under sketch, and show it to one of the Reporters.
+He scribbles across it, "Wrong." I write, "Where is he?" He waves me
+away. I believe the Bishop is at the other side of the long table, by
+his Counsel. There is a candle in front of him. I make my way to the
+other side. I find the Bishop is an old lady! I write, "Where does the
+Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span> sit?" on a piece of paper, and take it to an Official.
+He cannot see to read it, so some time is lost while he finds a
+convenient candle. He looks towards me, and points to a corner.</p>
+
+<p>Good! At last! There is an old gentleman, in plain clothes it is true,
+but still otherwise every inch a Bishop or a Butler, or perhaps both in
+one,&mdash;say Bishop <span class="smcap">Butler</span>. I have just finished a careful study of him,
+when he turns round and whispers, "Please, Sir, can you tell me which is
+the Bishop of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>?" I shake my head angrily, and move away. I'll
+bide my time. <span class="smcap">Jeune</span> <i>premier</i> is answering the hundred-and-seventh
+question of the Bishop of <span class="smcap">London</span>, and is being "supported" by Sir <span class="smcap">Walter
+Phillimore</span>. It amuses me to hear these two clever Counsel, in this
+natural and ecclesiastical fog, carrying on an animated legal
+conversation with each other, ignoring the Bishops; not that the latter
+seem to mind, as they scribble merrily away at their folios. Are their
+Right Reverend Lordships engaged in writing their Sunday sermons?</p>
+
+<p>But where is <i>the</i> Bishop? He ought to be near his Counsel. The severe
+Sir <span class="smcap">Horace Davey</span> sits writing letters; next to him the affable Dr.
+<span class="smcap">Tristram</span>, then the rubicund Mr. <span class="smcap">Dankwerts</span>, but no Bishop. One o'clock!
+The Bishops rise for Lunch and Lev&eacute;e. "Where, oh where! is the Bishop of
+<span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>?" I ask <span class="smcap">Jeune</span> <i>premier</i>. "Quick&mdash;I want to sketch him before he
+leaves!"</p>
+
+<p>"The Bishop!" returns the First Ecclesiastical Young Man, smiling. "Oh,
+he never comes near the place." <i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Jeune</span> <i>premier</i>. I appeal to the
+austere Sir <span class="smcap">Horace Davey</span>. "I can't tell you," says sir <span class="smcap">Horace</span>&mdash;"<span class="smcap">Davey</span>
+<i>sum, non &OElig;dipus</i>." And off he goes, to argue another sort of a case
+about Baird language and the Pelican Club. He will say no more. On this
+occasion only, <span class="smcap">Horace</span> is <span class="smcap">Tacitus</span>. I do not find the Bishop, and quit
+Lambeth.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/119.png">
+<img src="images/119.png" width="100%" alt="Confound these Blacks" /></a>
+<h4>LIKELY&mdash;VERY!</h4>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Confound these Blacks! They follow me everywhere!" "Yes, my dear
+Fellow; they take you for a Missionary!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE LITTLE DUC AND HIS BIG BILL.</h2>
+
+<p>The <i>restaurateur</i> evidently considered that he "didn't kill a pig every
+day," when he stuck <i>Le Petit Duc</i> for this now historic bill, which, as
+given in full by the <i>Figaro</i>, <i>Mr. Punch</i> reproduces here for general
+edification:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="centered table">
+<table summary="meal bill">
+<tr><td>Un artichaut barigoule</td><td>12</td><td>fr.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>Un ch&acirc;teaubriand</td><td>16</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 sole</td><td>10</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 noix de veau</td><td>10</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 homard</td><td>25</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 salade</td><td>3</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>1 caneton aux navets</td><td>25</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>6 &eacute;crevisses</td><td>15</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>Hors d'&oelig;uvre </td><td>5</td><td>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td>Une assiette de fruits</td><td>16</td><td>"</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<p>Whenever it may be the lot of any distinguished Member of the Upper
+House to be sent to the Tower of London, or a Member of the Lower to be
+shut up in the Clock Tower, the Provisional Government for the time
+being will know what to charge for its provisions. The <i>restaurateur</i>
+addressed his little account, "<i>&Agrave; Sa Magest&eacute; (sic) Louis
+Philippe-Robert</i> ('<span class="smcap">Robert</span>' was in it) <i>Duc d'Orl&eacute;ans</i>." In styling <i>Le
+Petit Duc</i> "His Majesty" the artful <i>restaurateur</i> evidently had in view
+a future <i>restauration</i>. The <i>restaurateur</i>, who expected to provide the
+young Duke of <span class="smcap">Orleans</span> with a second dinner, of course quoted <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>,
+and exclaimed enthusiastically&mdash;</p>
+
+<center>
+"I must go victual Orleans forthwith!"</center>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Henry V., Part I., Act I., Sc. 5.</i></p>
+
+<p>But the youthful Duc or Duckling wasn't to be caught and stuffed a
+second time.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Saturday Series.</span>&mdash;"Hunters' Dams" was the heading of an article in
+last week's <i>Saturday Review</i>. As the counter-jumper politely says,
+"What will be the next article?" We look forward with interest to
+"Shooters' Swearings," "Anglers' Affirmations," "Coursers' Curses," and
+a few others that may suggest themselves.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Royal Society of Painter-Etchers.</span>&mdash;At the pleasant Gallery, 5A, Pall
+Mall East, is a good show of needle-work. One of the most prolific
+contributors is a certain clever gentleman whose name may possibly be
+familiar to some of our readers, one <span class="smcap">Rembrandt Van Rhyn</span>, who sends no
+less than a hundred works.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer.</i>)</center><br />
+
+<center>No. III.&mdash;THE YOUNG M.P.</center>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/120.png">
+<img src="images/120.png" width="100%" alt="MODERN TYPES" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>For the proper production of the young M.P. there are many receipts, but
+only one is genuine. Take a rickety boy, and provide him with a wealthy
+father, slightly flavoured with a good social position and political
+tastes. Send him to a public school, having first eliminated as much
+youthfulness as is compatible with continued existence. Add some
+flattering masters, and a distaste for games. Season with the idea that
+he is born for a great career. Let him be, if possible, verbose and
+argumentative, and inclined to contradict his elders. Eliminate more
+youth and transfer hot to a University. Add more verbosity, and a strong
+extract of priggishness. Throw in a degree, and two speeches at the
+Union. Set him to simmer for two years in a popular constituency, and
+serve him up, a chattering pedant of twenty-four, at Westminster.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of the contest which resulted in his return to the House
+of Commons, the young M.P. will have tasted the sweets of advertisement
+by seeing his name constantly placarded in huge letters on coloured
+posters. He will have been constantly referred to as "Our popular young
+Candidate," and he will thus have become convinced that the welfare of
+his country imperatively demands his immediate presence and permanent
+continuance in Parliament. When the genial butcher who, besides
+retailing the carcases of sheep and oxen, sits in the Town Council, and
+presides over one of the local political associations, declared, as he
+often has at other contests and of other candidates, that never, in the
+course of his political career, had he listened to more mature wisdom,
+adorned with nobler eloquence, than that which had fallen from "Our
+young and popular Candidate," he was merely satisfying a burning desire
+for rhetorical expansion, without any particular regard to accuracy of
+statement. But the candidate himself greedily gulps that lump of
+flattery, and all the praise which is the conventional sauce for every
+political gander. On this he grows fat, and being, in addition, puffed
+up by a very considerable conceit of his own, he eventually presents an
+aspect which is not pleasing, and assumes (towards those who are not
+voters in the Constituency) a manner which can scarcely be described as
+modest.</p>
+
+<p>The majority of his Constituents regard him simply as an automatic
+machine for the regular distribution of large subscriptions. He regards
+himself as a being of great importance and capacity, and endowed with
+the power of acting as he likes, whilst the local wirepullers look upon
+him as a convenient mask, behind which they may the more effectively
+carry on their own petty schemes of personal ambition.</p>
+
+<p>As a Candidate, moreover, the young M.P. will have discovered that the
+triumph of his party depends not merely or even chiefly upon the due
+exposition of those political principles with which he may have lately
+crammed himself by the aid of a stray volume of <span class="smcap">Mill</span>, and a <i>Compendium
+of Political History</i>, but rather upon the careful observance of local
+custom and local etiquette, and the ceaseless effort to trump his
+adversary's every trick. He will thus have become the President of the
+local Glee Club, the Patron of a Scientific Association, and a local Dog
+Show, the Vice-President of four Cricket Clubs and of five Football
+Clubs, a Member of the Committee of the Hospital Ball, and of the
+Society for Improving the breed of Grey Parrots; to say nothing of the
+Guild for Promoting the happiness of Middle-aged Housemaids, and the
+local Association for the Distribution of Penny Buns, at cheap prices,
+to the deserving poor. Moreover, before he has discovered the true
+relation of benefit societies to politics, he will find himself a Member
+of the Odd Fellows, the Foresters, the Hearts of Oak, the Druids, and
+the Loyal and Ancient Order of Free and Accepted Buffaloes, with the
+right, conferred by the last-named Society, of being addressed on lodge
+nights as if he were a Baronet, or, at least, a Knight.</p>
+
+<p>Having thus met and shaken hands with the working-man during his hours
+of festive relaxation, the young M.P. will be properly qualified for
+discussing those social questions which form the chief part of every
+aspirant's political baggage. Being gifted with a happy power of
+enunciating pompous platitudes with an air of profound conviction, and
+of spreading butter churned from the speeches of his leaders on the
+bread of political economy, he will be highly thought of at meetings of
+political leagues of either sex, or of both combined. It is necessary
+that he should catch the eye of the Speaker during his first Session. He
+will afterwards talk to his Constituents of the forms of the House in
+the tone of one who is familiar with mysteries, and is accustomed to
+mingle on terms of equality with the great and famous. He will bring in
+a Bill which an M.P. who was once young, has abandoned, and, finding his
+measure blocked, will discourse with extreme bitterness of the
+obstruction by which the efforts of rising political genius are
+oppressed.</p>
+
+<p>In London Society the young M.P. may be recognised by an air of
+conscious importance as of one who carries the burden of the State upon
+his shoulders, and desires to impress the fact upon others. He may be
+flattered by being consulted as to the secret intentions of foreign
+Cabinets or the prospects of party divisions. He will then speak at
+length of his leaders as "we," and will probably announce, in a voice
+intended not so much for his immediate neighbours as for the thoughtless
+crowd beyond, that "we shall smash them in Committee," and that
+"<span class="smcap">Akers-Douglas</span>" (or <span class="smcap">Arnold Morley</span>, as the case may be) "has asked me to
+answer the fellows on the other side to-morrow. I am not sure I shall
+speak," the MS. of his speech being already complete. On the following
+day he will speak during the dinner-hour to an audience of four, and,
+having escaped being counted out, will be greatly admired by his
+Constituents. He will assiduously attend all social functions, and will
+not object to seeing his name in the paragraphs of Society papers. It is
+not absolutely necessary that the young M.P. should be bald, but it is
+essential that he should wear a frock-coat. It is well, also, that his
+dress should be neat, but not ostentatiously spruce, lest the more
+horny-handed of his supporters should take umbrage at an offensive
+assumption of superiority over those whose votes keep him in place.</p>
+
+<p>Custom demands that the young M.P. should travel extensively, and that
+he should enlighten his home-staying Constituents as to the designs of
+Barataria, the labour question in Lilliput, and the prospects of
+federation in Laputa, by means of letters addressed to the local
+newspaper. He will also interview foreign potentates and statesmen, and
+cause the fact to be published through the medium of <span class="smcap">Reuter</span>. On his
+return, he will write a book, and deliver a lecture before the Mutual
+Improvement Society of the town he represents. He will then marry, in
+order that he may attend Mothers' meetings by deputy, and cause his wife
+to make lavish purchases at a local bazaar, which he will have opened.
+Shortly afterwards he will select an unpopular fad, which certain
+members of his own party approve, and will take a vigorous stand against
+it on principle, thus earning the commendation of all parties as a man
+of independent views, and unswerving rectitude.</p>
+
+<p>If, at a subsequent election, he should chance to be rejected at the
+poll, he will publicly profess that he is delighted to be relieved of an
+uncongenial burden, whilst assuring his friends in private that the
+country in which able and honest men are neglected must be in a very bad
+way. He will, however, publish an address to the electors, in which he
+will claim a moral victory, and will assure them that it will ever be
+one of his proudest memories to have been connected with their
+constituency. He will spend his period of retirement on the stump, and,
+unless he be speedily furnished with another Constituency, will
+entertain doubts as to the sanity of his party leaders. Subsequently he
+will find himself again in the House of Commons, and, having been spoken
+of as a young man for about a quarter of a century, will at last become
+an Under-Secretary of State, and a grandfather, in the same year.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Master Singers.</span>&mdash;Sir,&mdash;In accordance with your request, I visited the
+Meistersingers' Club (an institution which, seemingly from its name, has
+been established as a memorial to <span class="smcap">Wagner</span>), where a "dramatic
+performance" was given last week that had many points of interest to the
+languid pleasure-seeker, wearily thirsting for fresh sources of
+amusement. The evening's entertainment commenced with a play obligingly
+described by the author as a farce, which was followed by a new and
+original operetta, containing some very pretty music by Mr. <span class="smcap">Percy Reeve</span>,
+with the exquisitely droll title of <i>The Crusader and the Craven</i>. The
+one lady and two gentlemen who took part in this were, from a prompter's
+point of view, nearly perfect. Mr. <span class="smcap">R. Hendon</span> as <i>Sir Rupert de
+Malvoisie</i> (the Crusader) suggested, by his accent and gestures, that he
+must have come from the East&mdash;how far East, it boots not to inquire.
+Miss <span class="smcap">Florence Darley</span> was a good <i>Lady Alice</i>, and Mr. <span class="smcap">J. A. Shale</span> an
+efficient "Craven." Later on an operatic performance is threatened. If
+the thrilling series of arrangements on the back of the Programme is to
+be accepted as authentic, the members of the Club will be invited to
+have <i>Patience</i>. It would be difficult to find a more appropriate
+accessory to a Night with the Meistersingers. No one asked me to have
+any supper, Yours, <span class="smcap">A Hand at Clubs</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%">
+<a href="images/120a.gif">
+<img src="images/120a.gif" width="100%" alt="pointing finger" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari,
+Volume 98, March 8, 1890., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MAR 8, 1890 ***
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari, Volume 98,
+March 8, 1890., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or, the London Charivari, Volume 98, March 8, 1890.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2009 [EBook #30056]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MAR 8, 1890 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 98.
+
+  MARCH 8, 1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "This is what the County Council's Licensing Bill for
+Places of Entertainment did _not_ intend, as, according to the latest
+authoritative explanation, the L. C. C. does not consider Theatres as
+coming under the head of "places of entertainment". Rather hard on the
+Theatres!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL AND THE LYCEUM THEATRE.
+
+APPEAL OF MR. HENRY IRVING. RESULT.
+
+(_A not impossible Extract from Next Year's Morning Papers._)
+
+Yesterday, before the Theatres Committee of the London County Council,
+the appeal of MR. HENRY IRVING (the well-known actor and manager) against
+the decision of the Sub-Committee to refuse a licence to the Lyceum
+Theatre, came on for hearing.
+
+After MR. HENRY IRVING (who appeared in person) had addressed the
+Committee at some length, dwelling upon the character of the pieces he
+had produced during his management, and the care and expense with which
+they had been mounted, several members of the Committee expressed a wish
+to put questions to him, which MR. IRVING promised to answer to the best
+of his ability.
+
+MR. HECKLEBURY. I think you told us that _Hamlet_ was one of your
+favourite parts? Is it not the fact that the chief character in the play
+drives his _fiancee_ to madness and suicide by his cruelty, slays her
+father and brother, together with his own step-father, and procures the
+death of two of his school-fellows?
+
+MR. IRVING admitted that this was so. (_Sensation._)
+
+MR. HECKLEBURY. That is all I wanted to ask you.
+
+MR. FUSSLER. I understand that you have produced a play called _Othello_
+on more than one occasion; perhaps you will inform us whether the
+following passages are in your opinion suitable for public declamation?
+(Mr. FUSSLER _then proceeded to read several extracts to which he
+objected on account of their offensive signification_.)
+
+MR. IRVING protested that SHAKSPEARE, and not himself, was responsible
+for such passages.
+
+MR. FUSSLER. Unfortunately, SHAKSPEARE is not before us--and you are.
+You admit that you have produced a play containing lines such as
+I have just read? That is enough for Us.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. Unless I am mistaken, the hero in _Othello_ is not only a
+murderer but a suicide?
+
+MR. IRVING. Undoubtedly. (_Sensation._)
+
+MR. MEDLAM. We have heard something of a piece called _The Bells_. I
+seldom attend theatres myself, except in the exercise of my public
+functions, but I do happen to have seen that particular play on one
+occasion. Does my memory mislead me in saying, that you committed a
+brutal and savage murder in the course of the drama?
+
+MR. IRVING said that, as a matter of fact, the murder took place many
+years before the curtain rose--otherwise, the Member's memory was
+entirely accurate.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. Whenever the murder was committed, it remains undetected,
+and the criminal escapes all penalty--is not that the case?
+
+MR. IRVING urged that the Nemesis was worked out by the murderer's own
+conscience.
+
+MR. MEDLAM said that was all nonsense; a person's conscience could not
+be made visible on the stage, and here a murderer was represented as
+dying several years after his crime, in his own bedroom, respected by
+all who knew him. Did MR. IRVING intend to tell them that such a
+spectacle was calculated to deter an intending murderer, or did he not?
+That was the plain question.
+
+MR. IRVING thought that intending murderers formed so inappreciable an
+element in his usual audiences, that they might safely be left out of
+the calculation.
+
+MR. MEDLAM. But you might have an intending murderer among your
+audience, I suppose?
+
+MR. IRVING'S reply was not audible in the reporters' gallery.
+
+MR. PARSEEKER. I should like to hear what you have to say about
+duelling, MR. IRVING--I mean, is it, or is it not, a practice sanctioned
+by the laws of this country?
+
+MR. IRVING said that he did not quite understand the drift of such a
+question; but, since they asked him, he should say that duelling was
+distinctly illegal.
+
+MR. PARSEEKER. You will understand the drift of my question directly,
+MR. IRVING. I have made it my business to acquaint myself with your
+dramatic career, and I find that you have played as hero at various
+times in _Romeo and Juliet_, _Hamlet_, _The Corsican Brothers_, and _The
+Dead Heart_, besides _Macbeth_. Am I wrong in saying that in each of
+these pieces you fight a duel?
+
+MR. IRVING. No. I fight a duel in each of them, except _Macbeth_, in
+which there is no duel, only a hand-to-hand combat. I do commit a murder
+in _Macbeth_.
+
+A MEMBER. MR. IRVING'S tastes seem rather to run in the direction of
+murders. (_Laughter._)
+
+After the report of the Official Censor upon the general tone of the
+Lyceum plays during the last fifteen years had been read a second time
+and adopted, the Chairman, without more than a formal consultation with
+his colleagues, proceeded to announce the decision of the Committee. He
+said that they had not come to their present conclusion without long and
+anxious deliberation. They were now the constituted guardians of the
+public morals, and must fulfil their functions without fear or favour.
+(_Applause._) They must look at the character of the performances at
+each theatre, considering only whether they were or were not beneficial
+to morality. In the past, under a _regime_ happily now at an end, public
+opinion had been shamefully lax, and official control purely nominal;
+plays had been repeatedly performed, and even welcomed as classics,
+which he did not hesitate to say were full of incidents that were
+revolting to all well-regulated minds. SHAKSPEARE, who, with his
+undoubted talents, should have known better, was, so far from being an
+exception, one of the worst offenders. The Council must free themselves
+from the shackles of conventional tolerance. (_Applause._) Evil was
+evil--murder was murder--coarseness was coarseness--whether treated by
+SHAKSPEARE or anybody else. Nor could the Committee shut their eyes to
+the fact that Mr. IRVING'S histrionic ability, and his popularity with
+those who attended his exhibitions could only intensify the injurious
+effect which such representations must have upon young and
+impressionable minds. In his opinion, much as he regretted having to say
+so, the Lyceum was nothing less than a School of Murder. It aggravated
+rather than extenuated the evil to be told, as they had been told, that
+all these deeds of violence had been represented on the stage with every
+aid which money, art and research could give. Again, was it desirable
+that the Democracy should derive their ideas of the family life of
+crowned heads from being admitted into the scandalous secrets of the
+household of _Hamlet_? Or did they wish to see an injured husband
+following the example of _Othello_? A thousand times no. These things
+must be stopped. The Council was very far from taking a Puritanical view
+of the question--(_applause_)--they fully recognised that the stage was
+a necessary social evil, and, as such, must be tolerated until the
+public taste was sufficiently purified to refuse it further countenance;
+but, in the meantime, the Council must insure that such exhibitions as
+they were prepared to sanction were of a kind consistent with the
+preservation of good manners, decorum, and of the public
+peace--(_applause_)--none of which conditions, in the unanimous opinion
+of the Committee, was fulfilled by the class of entertainment which the
+appellant IRVING had, by his own admission, persisted in providing. On
+those grounds alone the Committee dismissed the Appeal, and declared the
+Lyceum Theatre closed till further notice. He might say, however, that
+they might possibly be induced, after a certain interval, to reconsider
+the question, and allow the theatre to be reopened on MR. IRVING'S
+undertaking to produce dramas of an entirely unobjectionable character
+in future. (MR. IRVING begged for some more definite leading as to the
+dramas alluded to.) The Chairman said that he had been informed that an
+illustrated periodical called _Punch_ was publishing a series of Moral
+Dramas, in which the sentiments and incidents were alike irreproachable.
+Let MR. IRVING promise to confine himself to these, and the Council would
+see about it. ( MR. IRVING then withdrew, without, however, having given
+any definite undertaking, and the Committee adjourned.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PUTTING HIS NOSE OUT OF JOINT."
+
+_Engineering (to Little Tour Eiffel)._ "WHERE ARE YOU, NOW, MY LITTLE
+MAN?"]
+
+    "The Eiffel Tower is 1000 feet high; if the Forth Bridge were put up
+    on end, it would be 5280 feet in height. The tower has in its
+    construction 7500 tons of iron; the bridge has 53,000 tons of the
+    best steel. The tower was made in about six months; the bridge has
+    required seven years. The Eiffel Tower is a wonderful thing; but,
+    then, how much more wonderful is the Forth Bridge!"--_Illustrated
+    London News._
+
+  _The Bridge._ You took lots of beating, my sky-scraping friend,
+          But  BENJAMIN BAKER has compassed _that_ end;
+          I am sure Monsieur  EIFFEL himself would allow
+          That the Bridge licks the Tower; so where are you _now_?
+
+  _The Tower._ _J'y suis et j'y reste_, my big friend and great rival,
+          I hope for a long and a glorious survival;
+          But don't mind admitting--all great souls are frank--
+          That you--for the present at least--take first rank
+          'Midst the mighty achievements adorning our sphere
+          Of our latest of Titans, the Great Engineer.
+
+  _The Bridge._ All hail, Engineering! No wonder you're proud
+          Of a work in whose honour all praises are loud;
+          No wonder 'tis opened by princes and peers
+          Amidst technical triumph and popular cheers;
+          No wonder that  BENJAMIN BAKER feels glad,
+          Sir  JOHN FOWLER and  COOPER quite other than sad.
+          'Twas a very big job, 'tis a very big day,
+          And the whole country joins in the Scotchmen's Hooray!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+What train of thought was it that led the indefatigable PERCY FITZGERALD
+to write, _The Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, which appears in one of the
+most striking wrappers that can be seen on a railway book-stall? How
+pleasant if we could obtain a real outside coat-pocket railway guide
+just this size. It is a pity that the Indefatigable and Percy-vering One
+did not apply to _Mr. Punch_ for permission to reprint the page of
+Bradshaw which appeared in _Mr. Punch's Bradshaw's Guide_, marvellously
+illustrated by BENNETT, many years ago. This _magnum opus in parvo_ is
+really interesting and amusing, but if there is one thing more than
+another which he who runs and reads desiderates of an author writing of
+time-tables and guides, it is accuracy. Now, in one particular instance,
+our PERCY is inaccurate. He writes: "Close on fifty years have passed
+by, and the guide with every year has continued, like _Mr. Stiggins_, to
+be a 'swellin' wisibly.'" The Brave Baron challenges PERCY to mortal
+combat on this issue, defying him to prove that _Mr. Stiggins_ was ever
+described within the limits of _Pickwick_, as "swellin' wisibly." Will
+the erudite biographer of _Bradshaw_ be surprised to learn, that, in the
+first place, the description "swellin' wisibly" was never applied to
+_Mr. Stiggins_ at all, but was used by _Mr. Weller_ senior, as
+illustrating the condition of a "young 'ooman on the next form but two"
+from where he was sitting, who had "drank nine breakfast cups and a
+half, and," he goes on to whisper to _Sam_, "_She's a swellin' wisibly
+before my wery eyes._" In the second place, the expression was employed
+at a time when _Mr. Stiggins_ was not present, but, in his official
+character, as "a deligate from the Dorking branch of our society,
+Brother _Stiggins_" was in attendance downstairs. With these two
+exceptions, one mistake of omission, and one of commission, the Baron
+confers his _imprimatur_ on the _Story of Bradshaw's Guide_, and
+recommends it to the public.
+
+For a first-rate, short, well-constructed, and sensationally interesting
+story, let me recommend my readers to _The Peril of Richard Pardon_.
+Only one possible objection do I see to it, and that is a matter of my
+own private opinion, which is, that _Richard Pardon_ is the most
+irritating idiot ever created by an author. For the sake of the story,
+it was necessary that he should be weak; but he is such a very
+backboneless man, and yet quite strong enough to support the fabric of
+the plot. Then one is cleverly put off the scent by a certain _Richard
+Mortlock_, from whom the reader expects much more than ever comes out.
+The sequel of this capital novelette must be _Richard Mortlock_. I have
+quite forgotten to say that _The Peril of Richard Pardon_ is by Mr. B.
+L. FARJEON, whom I have to thank for making time pass too rapidly on
+many a previous occasion. The Hour Before Dinner Series--not that this
+is the genuine title, but it might be, and is a suggestion--is a real
+"boon and a blessing" to those who, like _Podgers_, in JOHN
+HOLLINGSHEAD'S immortal farce, "only have a 'our," not for "their
+dinner," but for their novel-reading throughout the day. FARJEON _soit
+beni!_ (Signed) _The Baron de Book-Worms._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EVENTFUL WEEK.
+
+(_From a Prophetic Journal of Events, looming possibly somewhere
+a-head._)
+
+_Monday._--London, having now been without coal for sixteen weeks, and
+people having kept their kitchen-fires alight by burning their banisters
+and bedroom furniture, several noted West-end houses undertake to
+deliver the arms and legs of drawing-room chairs ("best screened"), at
+L26 5s. a ton for cash.
+
+_Tuesday._--All the petroleum in the country having now been exhausted
+for heating purposes, and Piccadilly being, in consequence, illuminated
+by a night-light in one lamp-post in every three, a "Discontented
+Ratepayer" commences a correspondence in the _Times_, commenting on the
+matter in a severe temper.
+
+_Wednesday._--Several Colliery Owners, in despair, descend into their
+own mines for the purpose of trying to raise some coal themselves, but
+their _employes_, declining to assist in hauling them up again, they are
+left to their fate, and nothing more is heard of them.
+
+_Thursday._--A Syndicate of Noblemen determine to try for coal on the
+spot, by sinking a mine in the middle of Belgrave Square, when, on
+arriving at a depth of 2500 feet, they come across an active volcano,
+which proves such a nuisance to the neighbourhood, that the Vestry is
+applied to by several parishioners to put a stop to it. On their sending
+the Sanitary Inspector to investigate the matter, he orders the mine to
+be closed. On this being done, the scheme collapses, several of the
+Syndicate, as a consequence, in despair emigrating to Tierra del Fuego.
+
+_Friday._--A set of studs and a drawing-room tiara of "Best Wallsend,"
+are shown in a window of a jeweller's in Bond Street, and attract such
+crowds that the Police have to be called in to prevent a block in the
+traffic, and keep the pavement clear for foot passengers.
+
+_Saturday._--Furious street riots commenced by a noble Duke in Grosvenor
+Place pulling up the wood pavement in front of his house, and having it
+carted rapidly into his coal-cellars. The move becoming popular, spreads
+in all directions, with the result of leading to serious collisions with
+the local Vestry Authorities, who call in the aid of the Police.
+
+_Sunday._--The Archbishop of CANTERBURY preaches to an enormous
+congregation in Westminster Abbey, on the "Plague of Darkness" in Egypt
+by the light of a one-farthing candle. This being, by some misadventure,
+inadvertently knocked over, the assembled multitude are enabled to
+realise, to some extent, the gloomy horrors of the situation as
+described by the reverend preacher, and, stumbling over each other,
+retire to unlighted streets and fireless hearths, to face another week
+of the consequences of the "Trade Problem," with the solution of which
+they have been brought face to face.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GRAND OLD BILLEE.[A]
+
+    "It is stated that the captaincy of Deal Castle ... is to be offered
+    to Mr. GLADSTONE, the captaincy being in the gift of the Lord Warden
+    of the Cinque Ports."--_Daily News._
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+  There were three sailors of London city
+    Who found their (Party) ship at sea,
+  Although with programmes, authorised and unauthorised,
+    Most carefully they had loaded she.
+
+  There was greedy JOE and glosing JIMMY,
+    And the third was named Grand Old BILLEE;
+  And they were reduced to the piteous prospect
+    Of grubbing on one split (Party) pea.
+
+  Says greedy  JOE to glosing JIMMY,
+    "For captaincy I am hungaree."
+  To greedy JOE says glosing JIMMY,
+    "Then you and I must get rid of _he_."
+
+  Says greedy JOE to glosing JIMMY,
+    "With one another _we_ should agree.
+  With me as Captain, and you as First Mate,
+    If it wasn't for Grand Old BILLEE."
+
+  "Oh, BILLEE, we're going to chuck you over,
+    So prepare for a bath in the Irish Sea."
+  When BILL received this information,
+    His dexter optic winked he.
+
+  "First let me take an observation
+    From the main-top over the Irish Sea!"
+  "Make haste, make haste," says glosing JIMMY,
+    Whilst  JOE he fumbled his snickersnee.
+
+  So BILLY went up to the main-top-gallant mast,
+    And began to count o'er the Irish Sea;
+  And he scarce had come to eighty-six, or so,
+    When up he jumps. "Land Ho!" shouts he.
+
+  "I can see Ould Ireland! There's the Bay of Dublin;
+    With a distant glimpse of Amerikee.
+  And the Parliament upon College Green, bhoys,
+    With a right good glass I can (almost) see."
+
+  So they went ashore, and the crew when mustered
+    Kicked Guzzling  JOE, and cashiered JIMMEE.
+  But as for Grand Old BILLEE, they gave him
+    Of the old "Deal Castle" the captaincy!
+
+[Footnote A: As various versions of the popular song of _"Little
+Billee"_ have been set to music and sung, no apology is needed for the
+insertion in these pages of the version most up to date.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 24._--"Look here, TOBY, M.P.," said
+ARTHUR BALFOUR, almost fiercely; "if you suppose that I enjoy this sort
+of thing, you're quite mistaken." Hadn't supposed any such thing;
+hadn't, indeed, referred to the matter. Only looked at him inquiringly,
+as ATTORNEY-GENERAL for IRELAND, trudging stolidly through the mire,
+attempted to answer CHARLES RUSSELL. "If I _am_ Irish Secretary, as
+TREVELYAN once said, I'm an English gentleman, and if you suppose I have
+any sympathy with the sort of thing that goes on at Clongorey, you're
+mistaken. But I am answerable for law and order, and law and order I
+maintain."
+
+Thus ARTHUR, quite querulous. Have noticed sometimes, when a man
+hopelessly in the wrong, he is inclined to turn on his best friend and
+rend him. This Clongorey business, truly, a bad one. When, just now,
+SEXTON moved adjournment of House, in order to call attention to it,
+Conservatives rose with one accord and went forth. They know WINDBAG
+SEXTON of old, and thought he was probably going to favour them with one
+of his usual exercises. Better this once have stopped and listened.
+Interesting to see how two hundred English gentlemen would have voted
+had they learned all about Clongorey. Happily less, far less, than usual
+of the windbag about SEXTON. His story, in truth, needed no assistance
+from wind instrument. Farms at Clongorey simply strips of reclaimed bog
+land, on which struggling tenants had built miserable shanties; got
+along in good times; just managed to keep body and soul together, and
+pay the rent--rent on land they had literally created, and for huts they
+had actually built. Two years ago came a flood; swamped them. Asked
+landlord to make temporary reduction on rent, to tide over troublesome
+times. Landlord offered a pitiful trifle. What was thought of this shown
+by County Court Judge, who, on cases that came before him, permanently
+reduced rent by thrice amount of temporary reduction proffered. Judge
+further suggested that arrears should be wiped out. Landlord declined to
+listen to suggestion. Tenants drowned out by the cruel river, dragged
+out by the relentless landlord. Stood by whilst the emergency men
+wrenched roofs off their huts, and set fire to the ruins. A neighbour
+offered them shelter, enlarging out-buildings on her farm. Down came the
+police on workmen engaged in this act of charity. A hundred police, paid
+for by tax-payer, swooped down with fixed bayonets on Clongorey,
+arrested labourers, handcuffed them, marched them off to police
+barracks.
+
+This is the simple Story of Clongorey, reduced to facts not denied by
+BALFOUR or ATTORNEY-GENERAL, divested of all incidental matters alleged,
+such as the parading of the handcuffed prisoners through the crowded
+streets of the town, the police making raids among the crowd, naturally
+gathered to see the sight. "One man had his eyeball burst, another his
+skull broken." CHARLES RUSSELL, not given to exaggerated views, somewhat
+reputable as a legal authority, with law-books in hand stated his
+opinion that, apart from incidents of the foray, magistrates and police
+were acting illegally.
+
+"Well," said LONG LAWRANCE, turning his back on House of Commons, "I'm
+glad they've made me a Judge. Have ever been what is called a good
+Party-man; believe in BALFOUR; always ready to back him up with my vote;
+but, dash my wig (now that I'm going to wear a full-bottomed one) if I
+like voting to render possible the repetition of a business like this at
+Clongorey. Must begin to cultivate a judicial frame of mind; so I'll go
+for a walk on the terrace." LAWRANCE'S view evidently taken in other
+quarters of Conservative camp, for, after diligent whipping up,
+Ministerial majority reduced to 42. _Business done._--Address agreed to.
+
+_Tuesday._--Midst a mass of Notices of Motion, a sea of troublous words,
+GEORGE TREVELYAN drops in a score which shines forth with light of common
+sense. "Why," he asks, "does not Parliament rise at beginning of July,
+sitting through winter months for whatsoever longer period may be
+necessary for the due transaction of public business?"
+
+Why not? On Friday, the 14th March, TREVELYAN will put the question in
+formal way before House, so that they may vote on it. Conservative
+majority may well be expected to support it. No new thing; simply
+revival of older fashion. Our great grandfathers knew better than to
+swelter in London through July, pass the Twelfth of August at
+Westminster, and go off forlorn and jaded in the early days of
+September. Hunting men may have objections to raise; but then hunting
+men, though eminently respectable class, are not everybody, not even a
+majority; may even be spared to go hunting as usual. WALPOLE hunted like
+anything, yet in WALPOLE'S day Parliament oftener met in November than
+at any other time of year, and with due provision for Christmas
+holidays, sat into early summer. The thing can be done, and ought to be
+done--will be done if TREVELYAN sticks to it. Not nearly such a
+revolution in Procedure as that which, only a couple of years ago,
+established the automatic close of Debate at midnight. Who is there
+would like to go back to the old order of things in this respect?
+
+Got into Committee of Supply to-night on Vote for Houses of Parliament.
+TONY LUMPKIN turned up again. Last Session, in moment of inspiration,
+TONY spluttered forth a joke; likened new staircase in Westminster Hall
+to SPURGEON'S Pulpit. It is just as like the River Thames or Finsbury
+Park; but that's where the fun lies. Incongruity is the soul of wit.
+Everybody laughed last Session when TONY, with much gurgling, produced
+this bantling; brings it out again to-night.
+
+"Can't have too much of a good thing, TOBY," he says, wrestling with his
+exuberant shirt-front, and rubbing his hair the wrong way. "Always had
+my joke, you know, down in the country. Remember the little affair of
+the circuitous drive? This is what you may call my urban class of
+humour. SPURGEON'S Pulpit, Ha, ha!"--and TONY walked off delighted with
+himself.
+
+_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates.
+
+[Illustration: "Spurgeon's Pulpit, Ha, ha!"]
+
+_Thursday._--Pity that prejudice should be allowed to stand in way of
+doing the best thing. Talk just now of pending vacancies on the Bench;
+such talk recurrent; sometimes more talk than vacancy. "But I pass from
+that," as ARTHUR BALFOUR says, when gliding over knotty points of
+question put from Irish Benches. If not vacancy to-morrow, sure to be
+within week, or month, or year. Why not make JEMMY LOWTHER a Judge? It
+is true he has no practice at the Bar; but he was "called," and, I
+believe, went. That is a detail; what we desire in our Judges are, a
+certain impressive air, a striking presence, and an art of rotund
+speech. JAMES has played many parts in his time--Parliamentary Secretary
+to the Poor-Law Board, Under-Secretary for the Colonies, Chief Secretary
+for Ireland, and Steward of the Jockey Club. In this last capacity he, a
+year ago, temporarily assumed judicial functions. How well he bore
+himself! with what dignity! with what awful suavity! with what
+irreproachable integrity!
+
+That this manner is ingrained, is testified to on the occasions, too
+infrequent, when JEMMY rises in House. To-night BUCHANAN asked HOME
+SECRETARY a question, involving disrespect of rabbit-coursing. JAMES,
+the great patron of British sport in all developments, slowly rose, and
+impressively interposed. Was his Right Hon. friend, the HOME SECRETARY,
+aware that rabbit-coursing, conducted under recognised and established
+regulations, affords pastime to large masses of the industrious
+population who are unable, from their pecuniary circumstances, to
+indulge in the more expensive forms of sport? Those were JEMMY'S words,
+each syllable deliberately enunciated. What a study for the aspirant to
+Parliamentary style!
+
+Kindly Earl of RAVENSWORTH, who still haunts the Chamber in which Lord
+ESLINGTON once had a place, chanced to hear this question. Delighted
+with it. Wished he could introduce something of that sort in House of
+Lords. Went about Lobby with his faithful umbrella (companion of his
+daily life, wet or shine) murmuring the musical phrases. "Recognised and
+established regulations," "afford pastime to large masses of industrious
+population," "unable from pecuniary circumstances," "the more expensive
+forms of sport." That all very well, but not quite all. Easy enough to
+catch the trick of speech; who but JEMMY LOWTHER can add the indefinable
+personal gifts which invest even the commonplace with impressiveness?
+
+_Business done._--Lots. Ministers bring in Bills by the half-dozen.
+
+[Illustration: Earl and Umbrella.]
+
+_Friday._--Such _alouettes_! SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, who can't abear
+scandals, brought on alleged iniquity of Government in connection with
+Cleveland Street affair. Got off his speech; ATTORNEY-GENERAL replied;
+then SAGE proposed to offer few supplementary remarks. In course of
+these appeared frank declaration of his private opinion that everything
+the MARKISS says must be taken _cum grano Salis_-BURY; only the way he
+put it was much worse than that. COURTNEY asked him to withdraw.
+"Shan't!" said the SAGE. Then COURTNEY named him (calling him, by the
+way, "Mr. HENRY LABOUCHERE.") OLD MORALITY, rising to height of duty and
+occasion, moved that SAGE be suspended.
+
+"Oh, hang it!" cried Opposition--"can't agree to that."
+
+Divided on proposal; beaten, and SAGE hung up for a week. "He'll be
+pretty well dried by that time," grimly muttered the ATTORNEY-GENERAL,
+whom the SAGE had stroked the wrong way.
+
+_Business done._--Vote on Account agreed to.
+
+[Illustration: Grand Historical Picture. Mr. Labouchere struggling with
+his Conscience.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A DOSE OF GREGORY."
+
+It is some time since I have tasted a dramatic mixture so much to my
+liking as Mr. GRUNDY'S Gregory's Mixture, known to the public, and
+likely to be highly popular with the public too, as _A Pair of
+Spectacles_. Art more refined than Mr. HARE'S, as _Benjamin Goldfinch_
+in this piece, has not been seen on the stage for many a long day; nor,
+except in _A Quiet Rubber_, do I remember Mr. HARE having had anything
+like this particular chance of displaying his rare skill as a genuine
+comedian of the very first rank.
+
+[Illustration: The Ruffled Hare. "This is your umbrella!"]
+
+Everyone remembers, or ought to remember, DICKENS'S "_Brothers
+Cheeryble_." Well, _Benjamin Goldfinch_ has all the milk of human
+kindness which characterised these philanthropic Gemini. As to moral
+characteristics, he is these two single gentlemen rolled into one, while
+physically, his exterior rather conjures up the picture of _Harold
+Skimpole_, though his eyes beam with the youthful impetuosity of old
+_Martin Chuzzlewit_ when he caned _Pecksniff_. To this delightfully
+guileless good Samaritan, the rough, nay brutal, _Uncle Gregory_ from
+Sheffield, with a heart apparently as hard as his own ware, is a
+contrast most skilfully brought out by Mr. CHARLES GROVE. Though the
+part of _Uncle Gregory_ does not require the delicate treatment demanded
+by that of _Goldfinch_, yet it might very easily be overdone; but never
+once does Mr. GROVE overshoot the mark, although the author has
+imperilled its success by too frequent repetition of a catch-phrase, "I
+know that man," "I know that father," "I know that friend," and so
+forth, which is sometimes on the verge of becoming wearisome. Indeed,
+even now, I should be inclined to cut out at least half a dozen of these
+variations of the original phrase. His short but sufficient
+representation of the effects of too much lunch on _Uncle Gregory_ is
+masterly. So realistic, in the best sense of the word, is the
+impersonation of these two characters, that one is inclined to resent
+the brutality of _Uncle Gregory_, when one sees the change suddenly
+effected in the sweet and sympathetic nature of _Benjamin Goldfinch_,
+and when we see him suspicious of everybody, and even of his young wife,
+whom he loves so dearly, we murmur, "Oh, what a noble mind is here
+o'erthrown!" And, indeed, but that it is impossible to help laughing
+from first to last, the final scenes of this charming piece, replete
+with touches of real human nature, would send an audience away crying
+with joy, to think of the possible goodness existent in the world, of
+which one occasionally hears, but so seldom sees, except on the stage.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Grove as Gregory the Grater.]
+
+Not a part in this piece is even indifferently played. The two young
+men, Mr. RUDGE HARDING, and Mr. SYDNEY BROUGH, both very good, the
+latter having better dramatic opportunities, and making the most of
+them. Mr. DODSWORTH just the very man for _Friend Lorimer_; Mr. CATHCART
+is _Joyce_, the Butler; and of the two Shoemakers, respectively played
+by Mr. KNIGHT and Mr. BYRON, I can only say, "I know those shoemakers."
+
+As for the Ladies, Miss KATE RORKE looks very pretty, and acts
+charmingly as young _Mrs. Goldfinch_; Miss HORLOCK is very nice as _Lucy
+Lorimer_, delivering herself of a little bit of picturesque sentiment
+about feeding the birds (_Les Petits Oiseaux_ is the title of the old
+French piece, if I remember rightly) in a rather too forcedly ingenuous
+manner, but behaving most naturally in the interrupted courtship scene,
+and being generally very sympathetic. I mustn't omit Miss HUNTER, pink
+of parlour-maids, not the conventional flirty soubrette nor the
+low-comedy waiting-woman, but a self-respecting, responsible young
+person, conscious of her own and her young man's moral rectitude, and
+satisfied with quarter-day and the Post-Office Savings Bank.
+
+Only one single fault have I to find with the piece, and as it cannot be
+entirely remedied, though it might be modified, I will mention it. The
+title is a mistake; that can't be altered now: but the attempt at
+illustrating the double-meaning conveyed in the title by the practical
+"business" of changing the material glasses and thus hampering the actor
+by the necessity of altering his expression and his manner in accordance
+with his deposition or his resumption of these spectacles, seems to me
+to be childish to a degree, and tends towards turning this simple tale
+into a kind of fairy story, in which the spectacles play the part of a
+magic potion or charm, such as Mr. W. S. GILBERT would use in his
+_Creatures of Impulse_, his _Fogarty's Fairy_, and his _Sorcerer_,
+whenever he wishes to bring about a sudden and otherwise inexplicable
+transition from one mental attitude to another, and entirely opposite.
+But for the earnestness of the actors, this _reductio ad Fairydum_ would
+have imparted an air of unreality to the characters and incidents which
+does not belong to them. The plot is a model of neat construction; and,
+to everyone at all in doubt as to where to pass an agreeable evening, I
+say, "Go to the Garrick Theatre." By the way, a Correspondent suggests
+that _A Pair of Spectacles_ is an illustration of "The Hares
+Preservation Bill,"
+
+  JACK IN A BOX.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISCLAIMER.--The Right Hon. Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN, M.P., Anti-muzzle-man
+and Minister of Agriculture, wishes to deny explicitly that, when, by a
+_lapsus calami_, he was made to describe Mr. TAY PAY O'CONNOR as
+"peeping from behind the Speaker's chair," he ever intended to fix upon
+that honourable gentleman the _sobriquet_ of "Peeping Tom"; nor had he
+any idea of sending him to Coventry. What he _did_ say was----but it
+doesn't much matter what "he _did_ say," what he _didn't_ say is so much
+more to the point.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STANLEY AND AFRICAN EXHIBITION.--One of the largest contributors
+will be Mr. BONNY. This sounds well; at all events, it's BONNY. The
+French, who are now welcoming their own private African hero, _le
+Capitaine_ TRIVIER, back to his native land, may be induced to place
+their trophies under Mr. BONNY'S care, as, if Imperialists, they can
+then say they have a BONNY-part in this Exhibition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM AN INDIGNANT CORRESPONDENT.--"Sir,--I sent you a joke three months
+ago, which you have not used. Since then I have made arrangements for
+the joke to appear elsewhere." [What a chance we have lost!--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUERIES.
+
+_He._ "BY THE BYE, TALKING OF OLD TIMES, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT OCCASION
+WHEN I MADE SUCH AN AWFUL ASS OF MYSELF?"
+
+_She._ "_WHICH?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE BIG GUN!"
+
+_Grand Old Gunner loquitur:--_
+
+  'Tis a regular "Mons Meg" of a cannon!
+    The swabs, they have been every one,
+  Very hard the Grand Old (Gunner) Man on,
+    But what will they think of _this_ gun?
+  Double shotted, and charged to the muzzle,
+    And trained by my hands and my eye,
+  The foes I conceive it will puzzle,
+              And tempt them to fly.
+
+  Mere skirmishing, up to the present,
+    With pop-guns, and flint-locks, and such;
+  But now! They will not find it pleasant,
+    When once this huge touch-hole I touch.
+  Mighty CAESAR! I guess they won't like it;
+    Great SCOTT! won't it just raise a din?
+  And don't they just wish they could spike it
+              Before we begin?
+
+  The fun of it is, they have furnished
+    The filling themselves, unaware.
+  The shot they've cast, polished, and burnished,
+    The powder were prompt to prepare.
+  It's pitiful, quite, their position,
+    To see, the unfortunate elves!
+  Their carefully-stored ammunition
+              Thus turned on themselves.
+
+  Their batteries big it should batter,
+    Their trenches should burst and blow up,
+  Their forces allied it should scatter,
+    It's worse than an Armstrong or Krupp.
+  Chain-shot for swift slaughter's not in it,
+    For spreading it's better than grape,
+  They'll all be smashed up in a minute,
+              Scarce one can escape.
+
+  Now, MORLEY, my boy, and brave PARNELL,
+    _I'll_ lay it; just follow my hand.
+  That plain will soon look like a charnel,
+    With all that remains of their band;
+  The "fragments of him called McCARTY"
+    (Referred to, I think, in the song)
+  Were huge chunks to the scraps that their Party
+              Will show before long.
+
+  They shall see what I can do, when ready,
+    As Grand Old (Artillery) Man.
+  Right, PARNELL! left, MORLEY! Now, steady!!!
+    Stop! Just one last peep, whilst I can!
+  I _do_ hope, dear boys, there's no blunder;
+    I _think_ it is loaded all right.
+  Are they horribly frightened, I wonder?
+              Well, now for a sight!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE BIG GUN!"
+
+GRAND OLD GUNNER (_inspecting Cannon_). "IT'S BEAUTIFULLY LOADED! WHY,
+THE MERE LOOK OF IT IS ENOUGH TO SHAKE SM-TH'S 'RESOLUTION.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD FRIENDS AND COUNSEL.
+
+Our old friend MADDISON MORTON'S _Box and Cox_ runs SHAKSPEARE'S works
+generally very near in the matter of daily application. But fancy its
+being quoted as an authority by Sir HORACE DAVEY, in his masterly reply
+to t'other side in the Bishop of LINCOLN'S case. Yet so it was. "Bishop
+COSIN," said Sir HORACE, "had erroneously assumed that a letter had been
+written by CALVIN to KNOX, whereas it had been really written to an
+Englishman named Cox." So it was a mistake of the postman, after all,
+and it only wants the introduction of the name of Box to make the whole
+thing perfect and satisfactory. "It will be within the recollection of
+the Court," Sir HORACE might have continued, "that Cox was prevented
+from becoming the husband of PENELOPE ANNE, relict of WILLIAM WIGGINS,
+Proprietor of Bathing Machines at Margate and Ramsgate, by the sudden
+and totally unforeseen union of the lady in question with one KNOX,
+whose residence, as the Musical Revised Version has it, was usually 'in
+the Docks'; and with this marriage of PENELOPE ANNE WIGGINS with Mr.
+KNOX of the Docks, Messrs. BOX AND COX professed themselves entirely and
+completely satisfied, as it is my earnest hope that Your Grace, and My
+Lords the Bishops, will also be. And should this be the result, then I
+assure Your Grace that there will not be a happier party sit down this
+night to supper than 'READ and others,' of which fact you may take your
+Davey."
+
+On the Learned Counsel resuming his seat, there would have been
+considerable applause, which, of course, would have been instantly
+suppressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTES "IN GLOBO."--_Dorothy_ was long ago taken off the stage of the
+Prince of Wales's to make room for _Paul Jones_. But another DOROTHY has
+recently reappeared at the Globe Theatre in the pretty Shakspearian
+fairy-play entitled, _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, wherein DOROTHY DENE
+enacts the part of _Hippolyta_. By the way, the lady who used to speak
+of that immortal work, _Dixon's Johnsonary_, the other day referred to
+SHAKSPEARE as being "contemporaneous with that great wit--dear me--what
+was his name?--who wrote _Every Man in his own Humour_--oh, I
+remember--JOHN BENSON." Eminently satisfactory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY TAILOR.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+    "The St. Petersburgh tailors have hit upon an effectual device for
+    obtaining payment of their bills. Immense black-boards are hung up
+    in the most conspicuous place in the reception-room; thereon are
+    chalked, in letters as big as arrow-headed inscriptions, the names
+    of their hopelessly-indebted clients, and the amount of their
+    indebtedness."
+
+_Daily Paper._
+
+  Who always seemed serene and bland;
+  Who never asked for "cash in hand,"
+  Quite pleased that my account should "stand"?
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who catered for the gilded throng,
+  Who chid me when my taste was wrong,
+  Whose credit--and whose price--was long?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who chatted when I felt depressed,
+  Who proffered wine with friendly zest,
+  Whose weeds were ever of the best?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who with sartorial oil anoints
+  My vanity, who pads my joints,
+  And fortifies my weakest points?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  But who in future, much I fear,
+  Will greet me with no words of cheer,
+  But talk of "settling"--language queer?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who silently will point his hand
+  To figures white on black-board grand.
+  Where all my unpaid "items" stand?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll thus expose me to my peers,
+  Bring on me jibes, and flouts, and sneers,
+  Male sniggerings, and female tears?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll frown when I suggest a loan,
+  And ne'er produce Clicquot or Beaune,
+  But for his "checks" demand my own?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+  Who'll take my "measures" when he wills,
+  But only if I take his "bills,"
+  And add one more to human ills?--
+                           My Tailor!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKEN AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+MY DEAR EDITOR,
+
+It was most kind of you to ask me to go to the St. James's Theatre, the
+other evening, to see Mrs. LANGTRY, after I had told you that since my
+recovery from the influenza, I had unfortunately lost my memory. "Don't
+you know anything about _As You Like It_?" you asked. I pondered deeply,
+and then replied, that I half fancied it was a GERMAN REED'S
+Entertainment, that would have gone better had it included a part for
+Mr. CORNEY GRAIN. You told me I was wrong, but intimated that my
+ignorance on the subject would make my notice the more impartial. So I
+went.
+
+As to the play--was I pleased with _As You Like It_? Well, I have known
+worse, but I have seen better. It seemed a mixture of prose and verse,
+with several topical allusions that appeared, somehow or other, to have
+lost their point. For instance, a dull dog of a jester (played in a
+funereal fashion by Mr. SUGDEN) stopped the action of the piece, for
+what seemed to me (no doubt the time was actually less) some
+three-quarters of an hour, while he explained the difference between the
+"retort courteous" and "the reproof valiant." The plot was as thin as a
+wafer, but as it is, no doubt, generally known, I need not further refer
+to it. Mrs. LANGTRY was a most graceful and pleasing _Rosalind_. She
+acted with an earnestness worthy of a better cause, and afforded not a
+trace of the amateur. Of Miss VIOLET ARMBRUSTER as _Hymen_, I might say,
+with a friend who spent several hours in knocking off the impromptu--
+
+  TO A SEASONABLE VIOLET.
+
+  Had always Hymen
+    Such mien, such carriage,
+  You ne'er would fly, men,
+    The state of marriage!
+
+[Illustration: A New Piece.]
+
+Mr. LAWRENCE CAUTLEY, as _Orlando_, had an uphill part. At times (thanks
+to the author) he appeared in situations that were absolutely
+ridiculous. For instance, he leaves an old retainer (capitally played by
+that soundest of sound actors, Mr. EVERILL) dying of starvation, and,
+sword in hand, appears at a pic-nic of the banished _Duke_, to demand
+refreshment. "I almost die for food, and let me have it," says
+_Orlando_, and is welcomed by the _Duke_ to his table. And what does
+_Orlando_ do? Does he seize the boar's head, or something equally
+attractive, and rush back to his fainting servitor with the prize? Not a
+bit of it! He leisurely delivers fourteen lines of blank verse about the
+"shade of melancholy boughs," "the creeping hours of time," and
+"blushing, hides his sword!" In my neighbourhood happened to be one of
+the greatest advocates of our generation, and I heard this legal
+luminary whisper, "while that fellow is talking, the old servant will
+die of starvation," and the legal luminary was entirely and absolutely
+right. _Adam would_ have died of starvation while his garrulous master
+was posturing. A country wench called _Audrey_ was admirably
+impersonated by Miss MARION LEA, and the remainder of the cast was, on
+the whole, satisfactory. Stay, it is only just that I should single out
+for special commendation Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER, who played a character,
+to whom reference was frequently made as "the melancholy _Jaques_,"
+faultlessly. Here again the author committed an indiscretion. _Jaques_
+(by the way, why was not Mr. SUGDEN'S _role_ described as, "the more
+melancholy _Touchstone_?") is permitted to stop the action of the piece
+to deliver some thirty lines commencing with the trite truism, "all the
+world's a stage." Mr. BOURCHIER spoke his words with excellent
+discretion, but I cannot help thinking that, in the cause of Art, the
+speech should have been cut out, and I have no doubt, that Mr.
+BOURCHIER, as a true artist, will cordially agree with me.
+
+And so, to quote Mrs. LANGTRY in the Epilogue, "farewell;" but in spite
+of what you have said to the contrary, I am still of opinion, my dear
+Editor, that _As You Like It_ must have been originally intended for Mr.
+and Mrs. GERMAN REED'S Entertainment, minus Mr. CORNEY GRAIN.
+
+  Sincerely Yours,
+    A CORRESPONDENT WITHOUT A MEMORY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART-AUCTIONEER'S RELIGION, "CHRISTIE-anity."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ASTRAL COMPLICATION.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+  In periods of sleep, despair,
+    Of aberration, we have guessed
+  We were not altogether there,
+    But seldom known where was the rest.
+
+  Our Astral Bodies wander far,
+    Whenever they will not be missed.
+  Strange things in earth and heaven are
+    For the devout theosophist.
+
+  Young  WILFRID wooed the wealth of  CLARE;
+    But ah, in spite of golden dearth,
+  His mind and heart approved more fair
+     KATE'S intellect and moral worth.
+
+  "Prudence my steps inspire!" he said;
+    And automatically to
+  The residence of  CLARE he sped,
+    And gained an instant's interview.
+
+  "Fairest," he cried, "my homage deep
+    Ah, not your rank, your wealth command!
+  These idle baubles, lady, keep.
+    Give me alone this lily hand!"
+
+  "I will," she said. (The dinner gong
+    That moment sounded.) "Haste away;
+  But meet me in the social throng
+    To-morrow--that is, Saturday."
+
+  That self-same hour--the clock struck eight--
+    In Holloway began to muse
+  The charming and the gifted  KATE
+    On logarithms most abstruse.
+
+  Her door stood wide! Who entered there?
+    'Twas WILFRID spoke in hollow tone.
+  "With me life's logarithms share,
+    KATE, that I cannot solve alone!"
+
+  "I will," she answered. "But begone!
+    Strange chaperons inspect, explore.
+  The Principal, the stairs is on!"
+    He sighed, and vanished from the door.
+
+  Next eve, amid the social throng,
+    Serene stood CLARE at WILFRID'S side;
+  And dreaming not that aught was wrong,
+    She gaily questioned and replied.
+
+  Till WILFRID suddenly was 'ware,
+    Close by, of a familiar face,
+  And realised with wild despair
+    All, all the horror of the case!
+
+  "Oh, what is wrong?" cried CLARE in awe.
+    Calmly, he answered. "It was He,
+  My Astral Body, that she saw.
+    Oh, which am I? Oh, woe is me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EAST-ERN ART IN BOND STREET.--"So let the world jog along as it will,
+I'll be Japanese-y still! Japanese-y, Japanese-y. I'll be Japanese-y
+still!" Can't help singing when we see Mr. EAST'S pictures of Japan at
+the Fine Art Society's Gallery. This clever artist sojourned in that
+country from March to September. He kept his eyes open and his hand ever
+busy, and has brought back more than a hundred pictures--fresh,
+brilliant, and original. Such marvellous aspects of scenery, such wealth
+of colour, such novelty do we behold, that we long to start off at once
+to Yokohama, to Nikko, to Hakone, to Tokiyo, or any one of these
+delightful places--singing. "Let's quit this cold climate so dull and
+Britannical, And revel in sunshine and colour Japanical!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBABLE PUBLICATION.--Companion work to _Sardine and the Sardes_, by
+the same author, to be entitled _Sardinia and the Sardines_, illustrated
+in oils, and sold in tincases. Great reduction (at lunch time) on taking
+a quantity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES AT LAMBETH. (_As seen by
+Mr. Punch's Artist in a Fog._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT LINCOLN TRIAL STAKES.
+
+Lambeth is in darkness. A Policeman with a bull's-eye prevents my
+driver's energetic endeavours to drive through the Palace wall. I
+stumble into the large hall known as the Library. "Here," said I to
+myself, "is taking place the historic trial of the Bishop of LINCOLN."
+The weird scene strongly resembles the Dream Trial in _The Bells_, where
+the judges, counsel, and all concerned, are in a fog. Will the limelight
+flash suddenly upon the chief actor, the Bishop of LINCOLN, as he takes
+the stage and re-acts the part that has caused the trial? Archbishop
+BANCROFT founded this library, so theatrical associations are natural.
+The only lights in the long and lofty library (excepting the clerical
+and legal) are a dozen or two wax candles and a few oil-lamps, but of
+daylight, gaslight, or electric, nothing. I can hear the voice of JEUNE,
+Q.C., the JEUNE _premier_ of this ecclesiastical drama.
+
+They have commenced proceedings. In this, the Archbishop's Court, they,
+very properly, begin with prayer. So does the House of Commons. "Any
+special form of orison?" I ask in a whisper of the JEUNE _premier_, Q.C.
+"Yes," he answers in a subdued tone. "Look in your prayer-book for 'form
+of prayer to be used by those at sea.' That's it." Then he has to
+continue his argument.
+
+At the further end of the library we have the Church, represented by an
+Archbishop and five Bishops; also a Judge, in a full-bottomed wig, who
+has evidently got in by mistake. Then we have the Law, represented by a
+row of Q.C.'s, their juniors, and attendants; and then a chorus of
+ordinary people, and common, or Thames Policemen. But where's the Bishop
+of LINCOLN? Not among the Thames Policemen? Not in the Dock? Where? Aha!
+I see him. I focus him. I sketch him. _Veni, vidi, vici!_ I show result
+on paper to Official. "Oh, no," he says; "that's not the Bishop, that's
+THINGUMMY," a Clerk of the Court, or something. Hang THINGUMMY! Official
+disappears. Lights, ho! a link on Lincoln! I determine to find him. The
+Bishops sit round three tables, on a raised platform. The Archbishop of
+CANTERBURY sits in the centre; on his right is the mysterious Judge, in
+full wig, and red robes; this is the Vicar-General, Sir JAMES PARKER
+DEANE, Q.C.; next to him sits Assessor Dr. ATLAY, Bishop of HEREFORD,
+who looks anything but happy; his hair has the appearance of being
+impelled by a strong draught, and his hand is to his face, as if the
+draught had produced toothache. The portly Bishop of OXFORD is on his
+right, and like the other corner man, the Bishop of SALISBURY, he
+scribbles away at a great rate in a huge manuscript book, or roll of
+foolscap. On the left of the Archbishop sits the Bishop of LONDON, who
+severely questions the Counsel, and evidently relishes acting the
+school-master over again. The Bishop of ROCHESTER sitting on LONDON'S
+left, supplies the comedy element, so far as facial expression goes; his
+mouth is wide open, and he holds some papers in front of him in an
+attitude which suggests that he will presently break forth into song.
+But where, oh where, is the Bishop of LINCOLN? Ah, I see him. I sketch
+him. I write his name under sketch, and show it to one of the Reporters.
+He scribbles across it, "Wrong." I write, "Where is he?" He waves me
+away. I believe the Bishop is at the other side of the long table, by
+his Counsel. There is a candle in front of him. I make my way to the
+other side. I find the Bishop is an old lady! I write, "Where does the
+Bishop of LINCOLN sit?" on a piece of paper, and take it to an Official.
+He cannot see to read it, so some time is lost while he finds a
+convenient candle. He looks towards me, and points to a corner.
+
+Good! At last! There is an old gentleman, in plain clothes it is true,
+but still otherwise every inch a Bishop or a Butler, or perhaps both in
+one,--say Bishop BUTLER. I have just finished a careful study of him,
+when he turns round and whispers, "Please, Sir, can you tell me which is
+the Bishop of LINCOLN?" I shake my head angrily, and move away. I'll
+bide my time. JEUNE _premier_ is answering the hundred-and-seventh
+question of the Bishop of LONDON, and is being "supported" by Sir WALTER
+PHILLIMORE. It amuses me to hear these two clever Counsel, in this
+natural and ecclesiastical fog, carrying on an animated legal
+conversation with each other, ignoring the Bishops; not that the latter
+seem to mind, as they scribble merrily away at their folios. Are their
+Right Reverend Lordships engaged in writing their Sunday sermons?
+
+But where is _the_ Bishop? He ought to be near his Counsel. The severe
+Sir HORACE DAVEY sits writing letters; next to him the affable Dr.
+TRISTRAM, then the rubicund Mr. DANKWERTS, but no Bishop. One o'clock!
+The Bishops rise for Lunch and Levee. "Where, oh where! is the Bishop of
+LINCOLN?" I ask JEUNE _premier_. "Quick--I want to sketch him before he
+leaves!"
+
+"The Bishop!" returns the First Ecclesiastical Young Man, smiling. "Oh,
+he never comes near the place." _Exit_ JEUNE _premier_. I appeal to the
+austere Sir HORACE DAVEY. "I can't tell you," says sir HORACE--"DAVEY
+_sum, non OEdipus_." And off he goes, to argue another sort of a case
+about Baird language and the Pelican Club. He will say no more. On this
+occasion only, HORACE is TACITUS. I do not find the Bishop, and quit
+Lambeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIKELY--VERY!
+
+"CONFOUND THESE BLACKS! THEY FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE!" "YES, MY DEAR
+FELLOW; THEY TAKE YOU FOR A MISSIONARY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITTLE DUC AND HIS BIG BILL.
+
+The _restaurateur_ evidently considered that he "didn't kill a pig every
+day," when he stuck _Le Petit Duc_ for this now historic bill, which, as
+given in full by the _Figaro_, _Mr. Punch_ reproduces here for general
+edification:--
+
+    Un artichaut barigoule   12fr.
+    Un chateaubriand         16 "
+    1 sole                   10 "
+    1 noix de veau           10 "
+    1 homard                 25 "
+    1 salade                  3 "
+    1 caneton aux navets     25 "
+    6 ecrevisses             15 "
+    Hors d'oeuvre             5 "
+    Une assiette de fruits   16 "
+
+Whenever it may be the lot of any distinguished Member of the Upper
+House to be sent to the Tower of London, or a Member of the Lower to be
+shut up in the Clock Tower, the Provisional Government for the time
+being will know what to charge for its provisions. The _restaurateur_
+addressed his little account, "_A Sa Mageste (sic) Louis
+Philippe-Robert_ ('ROBERT' was in it) _Duc d'Orleans_." In styling _Le
+Petit Duc_ "His Majesty" the artful _restaurateur_ evidently had in view
+a future _restauration_. The _restaurateur_, who expected to provide the
+young Duke of ORLEANS with a second dinner, of course quoted SHAKSPEARE,
+and exclaimed enthusiastically--
+
+    "I must go victual Orleans forthwith!"
+
+_Henry V., Part I., Act I., Sc. 5._
+
+But the youthful Duc or Duckling wasn't to be caught and stuffed a
+second time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SATURDAY SERIES.--"Hunters' Dams" was the heading of an article in
+last week's _Saturday Review_. As the counter-jumper politely says,
+"What will be the next article?" We look forward with interest to
+"Shooters' Swearings," "Anglers' Affirmations," "Coursers' Curses," and
+a few others that may suggest themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL SOCIETY OF PAINTER-ETCHERS.--At the pleasant Gallery, 5A, Pall
+Mall East, is a good show of needle-work. One of the most prolific
+contributors is a certain clever gentleman whose name may possibly be
+familiar to some of our readers, one REMBRANDT VAN RHYN, who sends no
+less than a hundred works.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERN TYPES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._)
+
+No. III.--THE YOUNG M.P.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+For the proper production of the young M.P. there are many receipts, but
+only one is genuine. Take a rickety boy, and provide him with a wealthy
+father, slightly flavoured with a good social position and political
+tastes. Send him to a public school, having first eliminated as much
+youthfulness as is compatible with continued existence. Add some
+flattering masters, and a distaste for games. Season with the idea that
+he is born for a great career. Let him be, if possible, verbose and
+argumentative, and inclined to contradict his elders. Eliminate more
+youth and transfer hot to a University. Add more verbosity, and a strong
+extract of priggishness. Throw in a degree, and two speeches at the
+Union. Set him to simmer for two years in a popular constituency, and
+serve him up, a chattering pedant of twenty-four, at Westminster.
+
+In the course of the contest which resulted in his return to the House
+of Commons, the young M.P. will have tasted the sweets of advertisement
+by seeing his name constantly placarded in huge letters on coloured
+posters. He will have been constantly referred to as "Our popular young
+Candidate," and he will thus have become convinced that the welfare of
+his country imperatively demands his immediate presence and permanent
+continuance in Parliament. When the genial butcher who, besides
+retailing the carcases of sheep and oxen, sits in the Town Council, and
+presides over one of the local political associations, declared, as he
+often has at other contests and of other candidates, that never, in the
+course of his political career, had he listened to more mature wisdom,
+adorned with nobler eloquence, than that which had fallen from "Our
+young and popular Candidate," he was merely satisfying a burning desire
+for rhetorical expansion, without any particular regard to accuracy of
+statement. But the candidate himself greedily gulps that lump of
+flattery, and all the praise which is the conventional sauce for every
+political gander. On this he grows fat, and being, in addition, puffed
+up by a very considerable conceit of his own, he eventually presents an
+aspect which is not pleasing, and assumes (towards those who are not
+voters in the Constituency) a manner which can scarcely be described as
+modest.
+
+The majority of his Constituents regard him simply as an automatic
+machine for the regular distribution of large subscriptions. He regards
+himself as a being of great importance and capacity, and endowed with
+the power of acting as he likes, whilst the local wirepullers look upon
+him as a convenient mask, behind which they may the more effectively
+carry on their own petty schemes of personal ambition.
+
+As a Candidate, moreover, the young M.P. will have discovered that the
+triumph of his party depends not merely or even chiefly upon the due
+exposition of those political principles with which he may have lately
+crammed himself by the aid of a stray volume of MILL, and a _Compendium
+of Political History_, but rather upon the careful observance of local
+custom and local etiquette, and the ceaseless effort to trump his
+adversary's every trick. He will thus have become the President of the
+local Glee Club, the Patron of a Scientific Association, and a local Dog
+Show, the Vice-President of four Cricket Clubs and of five Football
+Clubs, a Member of the Committee of the Hospital Ball, and of the
+Society for Improving the breed of Grey Parrots; to say nothing of the
+Guild for Promoting the happiness of Middle-aged Housemaids, and the
+local Association for the Distribution of Penny Buns, at cheap prices,
+to the deserving poor. Moreover, before he has discovered the true
+relation of benefit societies to politics, he will find himself a Member
+of the Odd Fellows, the Foresters, the Hearts of Oak, the Druids, and
+the Loyal and Ancient Order of Free and Accepted Buffaloes, with the
+right, conferred by the last-named Society, of being addressed on lodge
+nights as if he were a Baronet, or, at least, a Knight.
+
+Having thus met and shaken hands with the working-man during his hours
+of festive relaxation, the young M.P. will be properly qualified for
+discussing those social questions which form the chief part of every
+aspirant's political baggage. Being gifted with a happy power of
+enunciating pompous platitudes with an air of profound conviction, and
+of spreading butter churned from the speeches of his leaders on the
+bread of political economy, he will be highly thought of at meetings of
+political leagues of either sex, or of both combined. It is necessary
+that he should catch the eye of the Speaker during his first Session. He
+will afterwards talk to his Constituents of the forms of the House in
+the tone of one who is familiar with mysteries, and is accustomed to
+mingle on terms of equality with the great and famous. He will bring in
+a Bill which an M.P. who was once young, has abandoned, and, finding his
+measure blocked, will discourse with extreme bitterness of the
+obstruction by which the efforts of rising political genius are
+oppressed.
+
+In London Society the young M.P. may be recognised by an air of
+conscious importance as of one who carries the burden of the State upon
+his shoulders, and desires to impress the fact upon others. He may be
+flattered by being consulted as to the secret intentions of foreign
+Cabinets or the prospects of party divisions. He will then speak at
+length of his leaders as "we," and will probably announce, in a voice
+intended not so much for his immediate neighbours as for the thoughtless
+crowd beyond, that "we shall smash them in Committee," and that
+"AKERS-DOUGLAS" (or ARNOLD MORLEY, as the case may be) "has asked me to
+answer the fellows on the other side to-morrow. I am not sure I shall
+speak," the MS. of his speech being already complete. On the following
+day he will speak during the dinner-hour to an audience of four, and,
+having escaped being counted out, will be greatly admired by his
+Constituents. He will assiduously attend all social functions, and will
+not object to seeing his name in the paragraphs of Society papers. It is
+not absolutely necessary that the young M.P. should be bald, but it is
+essential that he should wear a frock-coat. It is well, also, that his
+dress should be neat, but not ostentatiously spruce, lest the more
+horny-handed of his supporters should take umbrage at an offensive
+assumption of superiority over those whose votes keep him in place.
+
+Custom demands that the young M.P. should travel extensively, and that
+he should enlighten his home-staying Constituents as to the designs of
+Barataria, the labour question in Lilliput, and the prospects of
+federation in Laputa, by means of letters addressed to the local
+newspaper. He will also interview foreign potentates and statesmen, and
+cause the fact to be published through the medium of REUTER. On his
+return, he will write a book, and deliver a lecture before the Mutual
+Improvement Society of the town he represents. He will then marry, in
+order that he may attend Mothers' meetings by deputy, and cause his wife
+to make lavish purchases at a local bazaar, which he will have opened.
+Shortly afterwards he will select an unpopular fad, which certain
+members of his own party approve, and will take a vigorous stand against
+it on principle, thus earning the commendation of all parties as a man
+of independent views, and unswerving rectitude.
+
+If, at a subsequent election, he should chance to be rejected at the
+poll, he will publicly profess that he is delighted to be relieved of an
+uncongenial burden, whilst assuring his friends in private that the
+country in which able and honest men are neglected must be in a very bad
+way. He will, however, publish an address to the electors, in which he
+will claim a moral victory, and will assure them that it will ever be
+one of his proudest memories to have been connected with their
+constituency. He will spend his period of retirement on the stump, and,
+unless he be speedily furnished with another Constituency, will
+entertain doubts as to the sanity of his party leaders. Subsequently he
+will find himself again in the House of Commons, and, having been spoken
+of as a young man for about a quarter of a century, will at last become
+an Under-Secretary of State, and a grandfather, in the same year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MASTER SINGERS.--Sir,--In accordance with your request, I visited the
+Meistersingers' Club (an institution which, seemingly from its name, has
+been established as a memorial to WAGNER), where a "dramatic
+performance" was given last week that had many points of interest to the
+languid pleasure-seeker, wearily thirsting for fresh sources of
+amusement. The evening's entertainment commenced with a play obligingly
+described by the author as a farce, which was followed by a new and
+original operetta, containing some very pretty music by Mr. PERCY REEVE,
+with the exquisitely droll title of _The Crusader and the Craven_. The
+one lady and two gentlemen who took part in this were, from a prompter's
+point of view, nearly perfect. Mr. R. HENDON as _Sir Rupert de
+Malvoisie_ (the Crusader) suggested, by his accent and gestures, that he
+must have come from the East--how far East, it boots not to inquire.
+Miss FLORENCE DARLEY was a good _Lady Alice_, and Mr. J. A. SHALE an
+efficient "Craven." Later on an operatic performance is threatened. If
+the thrilling series of arrangements on the back of the Programme is to
+be accepted as authentic, the members of the Club will be invited to
+have _Patience_. It would be difficult to find a more appropriate
+accessory to a Night with the Meistersingers. No one asked me to have
+any supper, Yours, A HAND AT CLUBS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or, the London Charivari,
+Volume 98, March 8, 1890., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MAR 8, 1890 ***
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