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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30035 ***
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+ _Shure and begorra, it was a great day for the Earth! The
+ first envoy from another world was about to speak--that
+ is, if he could forget that horse for a minute...._
+
+
+         off course
+
+      By Mack Reynolds
+
+ Illustrated by Kelly Freas
+
+
+First on the scene were Larry Dermott and Tim Casey of the State Highway
+Patrol. They assumed they were witnessing the crash of a new type of Air
+Force plane and slipped and skidded desperately across the field to
+within thirty feet of the strange craft, only to discover that the
+landing had been made without accident.
+
+Patrolman Dermott shook his head. "They're gettin' queerer looking every
+year. Get a load of it--no wheels, no propeller, no cockpit."
+
+They left the car and made their way toward the strange egg-shaped
+vessel.
+
+Tim Casey loosened his .38 in its holster and said, "Sure, and I'm
+beginning to wonder if it's one of ours. No insignia and--"
+
+A circular door slid open at that point and Dameri Tass stepped out,
+yawning. He spotted them, smiled and said, "Glork."
+
+They gaped at him.
+
+"Glork is right," Dermott swallowed.
+
+Tim Casey closed his mouth with an effort. "Do you mind the color of his
+face?" he blurted.
+
+"How could I help it?"
+
+Dameri Tass rubbed a blue-nailed pink hand down his purplish countenance
+and yawned again. "Gorra manigan horp soratium," he said.
+
+Patrolman Dermott and Patrolman Casey shot stares at each other. "'Tis
+double talk he's after givin' us," Casey said.
+
+Dameri Tass frowned. "Harama?" he asked.
+
+Larry Dermott pushed his cap to the back of his head. "That doesn't
+sound like any language I've even _heard_ about."
+
+Dameri Tass grimaced, turned and reentered his spacecraft to emerge in
+half a minute with his hands full of contraption. He held a box-like
+arrangement under his left arm; in his right hand were two metal caps
+connected to the box by wires.
+
+While the patrolmen watched him, he set the box on the ground, twirled
+two dials and put one of the caps on his head. He offered the other to
+Larry Dermott; his desire was obvious.
+
+Trained to grasp a situation and immediately respond in manner best
+suited to protect the welfare of the people of New York State, Dermott
+cleared his throat and said, "Tim, take over while I report."
+
+"Hey!" Casey protested, but his fellow minion had left.
+
+"Mandaia," Dameri Tass told Casey, holding out the metal cap.
+
+"Faith, an' do I look balmy?" Casey told him. "I wouldn't be puttin'
+that dingus on my head for all the colleens in Ireland."
+
+"Mandaia," the stranger said impatiently.
+
+"Bejasus," Casey snorted, "ye can't--"
+
+Dermott called from the car, "Tim, the captain says to humor this guy.
+We're to keep him here until the officials arrive."
+
+Tim Casey closed his eyes and groaned. "Humor him, he's after sayin'.
+Orders it is." He shouted back, "Sure, an' did ye tell 'em he's in
+technicolor? Begorra, he looks like a man from Mars."
+
+"That's what they think," Larry yelled, "and the governor is on his way.
+We're to do everything possible short of violence to keep this character
+here. Humor him, Tim!"
+
+"Mandaia," Dameri Tass snapped, pushing the cap into Casey's reluctant
+hands.
+
+Muttering his protests, Casey lifted it gingerly and placed it on his
+head. Not feeling any immediate effect, he said, "There, 'tis satisfied
+ye are now, I'm supposin'."
+
+The alien stooped down and flicked a switch on the little box. It
+hummed gently. Tim Casey suddenly shrieked and sat down on the stubble
+and grass of the field. "Begorra," he yelped, "I've been murthered!" He
+tore the cap from his head.
+
+His companion came running, "What's the matter, Tim?" he shouted.
+
+Dameri Tass removed the metal cap from his own head. "Sure, an' nothin'
+is after bein' the matter with him," he said. "Evidently the bhoy has
+niver been a-wearin' of a kerit helmet afore. 'Twill hurt him not at
+all."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"You can talk!" Dermott blurted, skidding to a stop.
+
+Dameri Tass shrugged. "Faith, an' why not? As I was after sayin', I
+shared the kerit helmet with Tim Casey."
+
+Patrolman Dermott glared at him unbelievingly. "You learned the language
+just by sticking that Rube Goldberg deal on Tim's head?"
+
+"Sure, an' why not?"
+
+Dermott muttered, "And with it he has to pick up the corniest brogue
+west of Dublin."
+
+Tim Casey got to his feet indignantly. "I'm after resentin' that, Larry
+Dermott. Sure, an' the way we talk in Ireland is--"
+
+Dameri Tass interrupted, pointing to a bedraggled horse that had made
+its way to within fifty feet of the vessel. "Now what could that be
+after bein'?"
+
+The patrolmen followed his stare. "It's a horse. What else?"
+
+"A horse?"
+
+Larry Dermott looked again, just to make sure. "Yeah--not much of a
+horse, but a horse."
+
+Dameri Tass sighed ecstatically. "And jist what is a horse, if I may be
+so bold as to be askin'?"
+
+"It's an animal you ride on."
+
+The alien tore his gaze from the animal to look his disbelief at the
+other. "Are you after meanin' that you climb upon the crature's back and
+ride him? Faith now, quit your blarney."
+
+He looked at the horse again, then down at his equipment. "Begorra," he
+muttered, "I'll share the kerit helmet with the crature."
+
+"Hey, hold it," Dermott said anxiously. He was beginning to feel like a
+character in a shaggy dog story.
+
+Interest in the horse was ended with the sudden arrival of a helicopter.
+It swooped down on the field and settled within twenty feet of the alien
+craft. Almost before it had touched, the door was flung open and the
+flying windmill disgorged two bestarred and efficient-looking Army
+officers.
+
+Casey and Dermott snapped them a salute.
+
+The senior general didn't take his eyes from the alien and the
+spacecraft as he spoke, and they bugged quite as effectively as had
+those of the patrolmen when they'd first arrived on the scene.
+
+"I'm Major General Browning," he rapped. "I want a police cordon thrown
+up around this, er, vessel. No newsmen, no sightseers, nobody without my
+permission. As soon as Army personnel arrives, we'll take over
+completely."
+
+"Yes, sir," Larry Dermott said. "I just got a report on the radio that
+the governor is on his way, sir. How about him?"
+
+The general muttered something under his breath. Then, "When the
+governor arrives, let me know; otherwise, nobody gets through!"
+
+Dameri Tass said, "Faith, and what goes on?"
+
+The general's eyes bugged still further. "_He talks!_" he accused.
+
+"Yes, sir," Dermott said. "He had some kind of a machine. He put it over
+Tim's head and seconds later he could talk."
+
+"Nonsense!" the general snapped.
+
+Further discussion was interrupted by the screaming arrival of several
+motorcycle patrolmen followed by three heavily laden patrol cars.
+Overhead, pursuit planes zoomed in and began darting about nervously
+above the field.
+
+"Sure, and it's quite a reception I'm after gettin'," Dameri Tass said.
+He yawned. "But what I'm wantin' is a chance to get some sleep. Faith,
+an' I've been awake for almost a _decal_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dameri Tass was hurried, via helicopter, to Washington. There he
+disappeared for several days, being held incommunicado while White
+House, Pentagon, State Department and Congress tried to figure out just
+what to do with him.
+
+Never in the history of the planet had such a furor arisen. Thus far, no
+newspapermen had been allowed within speaking distance. Administration
+higher-ups were being subjected to a volcano of editorial heat but the
+longer the space alien was discussed the more they viewed with alarm the
+situation his arrival had precipitated. There were angles that hadn't at
+first been evident.
+
+Obviously he was from some civilization far beyond that of Earth's. That
+was the rub. No matter what he said, it would shake governments,
+possibly overthrow social systems, perhaps even destroy established
+religious concepts.
+
+But they couldn't keep him under wraps indefinitely.
+
+It was the United Nations that cracked the iron curtain. Their demands
+that the alien be heard before their body were too strong and had too
+much public opinion behind them to be ignored. The White House yielded
+and the date was set for the visitor to speak before the Assembly.
+
+Excitement, anticipation, blanketed the world. Shepherds in Sinkiang,
+multi-millionaires in Switzerland, fakirs in Pakistan, gauchos in the
+Argentine were raised to a zenith of expectation. Panhandlers debated
+the message to come with pedestrians; jinrikisha men argued it with
+their passengers; miners discussed it deep beneath the surface; pilots
+argued with their co-pilots thousands of feet above.
+
+It was the most universally awaited event of the ages.
+
+By the time the delegates from every nation, tribe, religion, class,
+color, and race had gathered in New York to receive the message from the
+stars, the majority of Earth had decided that Dameri Tass was the
+plenipotentiary of a super-civilization which had been viewing
+developments on this planet with misgivings. It was thought this other
+civilization had advanced greatly beyond Earth's and that the problems
+besetting us--social, economic, scientific--had been solved by the
+super-civilization. Obviously, then, Dameri Tass had come, an advisor
+from a benevolent and friendly people, to guide the world aright.
+
+And nine-tenths of the population of Earth stood ready and willing to be
+guided. The other tenth liked things as they were and were quite
+convinced that the space envoy would upset their applecarts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Viljalmar Andersen, Secretary-General of the U.N., was to introduce the
+space emissary. "Can you give me an idea at all of what he is like?" he
+asked nervously.
+
+President McCord was as upset as the Dane. He shrugged in agitation. "I
+know almost as little as you do."
+
+Sir Alfred Oxford protested, "But my dear chap, you've had him for
+almost two weeks. Certainly in that time--"
+
+The President snapped back, "You probably won't believe this, but he's
+been asleep until yesterday. When he first arrived he told us he hadn't
+slept for a _decal_, whatever that is; so we held off our discussion
+with him until morning. Well--he didn't awaken in the morning, nor the
+next. Six days later, fearing something was wrong we woke him."
+
+"What happened?" Sir Alfred asked.
+
+The President showed embarrassment. "He used some rather ripe Irish
+profanity on us, rolled over, and went back to sleep."
+
+Viljalmar Andersen asked, "Well, what happened yesterday?"
+
+"We actually haven't had time to question him. Among other things,
+there's been some controversy about whose jurisdiction he comes under.
+The State Department claims the Army shouldn't--"
+
+The Secretary General sighed deeply. "Just what _did_ he do?"
+
+"The Secret Service reports he spent the day whistling Mother Machree
+and playing with his dog, cat and mouse."
+
+"Dog, cat and mouse? I say!" blurted Sir Alfred.
+
+The President was defensive. "He had to have some occupation, and he
+seems to be particularly interested in our animal life. He wanted a
+horse but compromised for the others. I understand he insists all three
+of them come with him wherever he goes."
+
+"I wish we knew what he was going to say," Andersen worried.
+
+"Here he comes," said Sir Alfred.
+
+Surrounded by F.B.I. men, Dameri Tass was ushered to the speaker's
+stand. He had a kitten in his arms; a Scotty followed him.
+
+The alien frowned worriedly. "Sure," he said, "and what kin all this be?
+Is it some ordinance I've been after breakin'?"
+
+McCord, Sir Alfred and Andersen hastened to reassure him and made him
+comfortable in a chair.
+
+Viljalmar Andersen faced the thousands in the audience and held up his
+hands, but it was ten minutes before he was able to quiet the cheering,
+stamping delegates from all Earth.
+
+Finally: "Fellow Terrans, I shall not take your time for a lengthy
+introduction of the envoy from the stars. I will only say that, without
+doubt, this is the most important moment in the history of the human
+race. We will now hear from the first being to come to Earth from
+another world."
+
+He turned and gestured to Dameri Tass who hadn't been paying overmuch
+attention to the chairman in view of some dog and cat hostilities that
+had been developing about his feet.
+
+But now the alien's purplish face faded to a light blue. He stood and
+said hoarsely. "Faith, an' what was that last you said?"
+
+Viljalmar Andersen repeated, "We will now hear from the first being ever
+to come to Earth from another world."
+
+The face of the alien went a lighter blue. "Sure, an' ye wouldn't jist
+be frightenin' a body, would ye? You don't mean to tell me this planet
+isn't after bein' a member of the Galactic League?"
+
+Andersen's face was blank. "Galactic League?"
+
+"Cushlamachree," Dameri Tass moaned. "I've gone and put me foot in it
+again. I'll be after getting _kert_ for this."
+
+Sir Alfred was on his feet. "I don't understand! Do you mean you aren't
+an envoy from another planet?"
+
+Dameri Tass held his head in his hands and groaned. "An envoy, he's
+sayin', and meself only a second-rate collector of specimens for the
+Carthis zoo."
+
+He straightened and started off the speaker's stand. "Sure, an' I must
+blast off immediately."
+
+Things were moving fast for President McCord but already an edge of
+relief was manifesting itself. Taking the initiative, he said, "Of
+course, of course, if that is your desire." He signaled to the bodyguard
+who had accompanied the alien to the assemblage.
+
+A dull roar was beginning to emanate from the thousands gathered in the
+tremendous hall, murmuring, questioning, disbelieving.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Viljalmar Andersen felt that he must say something. He extended a
+detaining hand. "Now you are here," he said urgently, "even though by
+mistake, before you go can't you give us some brief word? Our world is
+in chaos. Many of us have lost faith. Perhaps ..."
+
+Dameri Tass shook off the restraining hand. "Do I look daft? Begorry, I
+should have been a-knowin' something was queer. All your weapons and
+your strange ideas. Faith, I wouldn't be surprised if ye hadn't yet
+established a planet-wide government. Sure, an' I'll go still further.
+Ye probably still have wars on this benighted world. No wonder it is ye
+haven't been invited to join the Galactic League an' take your place
+among the civilized planets."
+
+He hustled from the rostrum and made his way, still surrounded by
+guards, to the door by which he had entered. The dog and the cat trotted
+after, undismayed by the furor about them.
+
+They arrived about four hours later at the field on which he'd landed,
+and the alien from space hurried toward his craft, still muttering. He'd
+been accompanied by a general and by the President, but all the way he
+had refrained from speaking.
+
+He scurried from the car and toward the spacecraft.
+
+President McCord said, "You've forgotten your pets. We would be glad if
+you would accept them as--"
+
+The alien's face faded a light blue again. "Faith, an' I'd almost
+forgotten," he said. "If I'd taken a crature from this quarantined
+planet, my name'd be _nork_. Keep your dog and your kitty." He shook his
+head sadly and extracted a mouse from a pocket. "An' this amazin' little
+crature as well."
+
+They followed him to the spacecraft. Just before entering, he spotted
+the bedraggled horse that had been present on his landing.
+
+A longing expression came over his highly colored face. "Jist one
+thing," he said. "Faith now, were they pullin' my leg when they said you
+were after ridin' on the back of those things?"
+
+The President looked at the woebegone nag. "It's a horse," he said,
+surprised. "Man has been riding them for centuries."
+
+Dameri Tass shook his head. "Sure, an' 'twould've been my makin' if I
+could've taken one back to Carthis." He entered his vessel.
+
+The others drew back, out of range of the expected blast, and watched,
+each with his own thoughts, as the first visitor from space hurriedly
+left Earth.
+
+
+                                                           ... THE END
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+    This etext was produced from _If Worlds of Science Fiction_ January
+    1954. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S.
+    copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and
+    typographical errors have been corrected without note.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Off Course, by 
+Mack Reynolds (AKA Dallas McCord Reynolds)
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30035 ***