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diff --git a/30033-0.txt b/30033-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7fbedd --- /dev/null +++ b/30033-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1211 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30033 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 30033-h.htm or 30033-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30033/30033-h/30033-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30033/30033-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 98. + +FEBRUARY 8, 1890. + + + + + + + +[Illustration: ] + +UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS. + + "Très volontiers," repartit le démon. "Vous aimez les tableaux + changeans: je veux vous contenter." + +_Le Diable Boiteux._ + + XIX. + + "A Late Symposium! Yet they're not engaged + In compotations. Argument hath raged + Four hours by the dial; + But zealotry of party, creed, or clique + Marks not the clock, whilst of polemic pique + There's one unvoided vial." + + So smiled the Shade. Dusk coat and gleaming head, + Viewed from above, before my gaze outspread + Like a black sea bespotted + With bare pink peaks of coral isles; all eyes + Were fixed on one who reeled out rhapsodies + In diction double-shotted. + + A long and lofty room, with pillars cold, + And spacious walls of chocolate and gold; + The solid sombre glory + Of tint oppressive and of tasteless shine, + Dear to the modern British Philistine, + Saint, sceptic, Whig, or Tory. + + "No Samson-strength of intellect or taste + Shall bow the pillars of this temple chaste + Of ugliness and unction. + What is't they argue lengthily and late? + The flame of patriot passion for the State + Fires this polemic function. + + "A caitiff Government has done a thing + To make its guardian-angel droop her wing + In sickened indignation: + That is, has striven to strengthen its redoubts, + Perfidious 'Ins,' to foil the eager 'Outs.' + Hence endless execration. + + "Hence all Wire-pullerdom is up in arms; + With clarion-toned excursions and alarms + The rival camp is ringing. + Hence perky commoners and pompous peers, + 'Midst vehement applause and volleying cheers, + Stale platitudes are stringing. + + "The British Public--some five hundred strong-- + Is here to 'strangle a Gigantic Wrong,'-- + So MARABOUT is saying. + Watch his wide waistcoat and his wandering eyes, + His stamping boots of Brobdingnagian size, + Clenched hands, and shoulders swaying. + + "A great Machine-man, MARABOUT! He dotes + On programmes hectographed and Party votes. + For all his pasty pallor + And shifty glance, he has the mob's regard, + And he is deemed by council, club, and ward + A mighty man of valour. + + "A purchased henchman to a Star of State? + Perhaps. But here he'll pose and perorate, + A Brutus vain and voluble. + And who, like MARABOUT, with vocal flux + Of formulas, can settle every _crux_ + That wisdom finds insoluble? + + "'Hear! hear!' That shibboleth of shallow souls + Around his ears in clamorous cadence rolls; + He swells, he glows, he twinkles; + The sapient Chairman wags his snowy pate, + Whilst cynic triumph, cautious yet elate, + Lurks laughing in his wrinkles. + + "And there sits honest zeal, absorbed, intent, + And cheerfully credulous. MARABOUT has bent + To the Commercial Dagon + He publicly derides; but many here + Will toast 'his genuine grit, his manly cheer,' + Over a friendly flagon. + + "Look on him later! There he snugly sits + With his rich patron. Were it war of wits + That wakes their crackling chuckles, + They scarce were heartier. It would strangely shock + MARABOUT'S worshippers to hear him mock + The 'mob' to which he truckles. + + "Truckles in platform speech. In club-room chat + With WAGSTAFF, shrewd wire-puller, flushed and fat, + Or DODD, the rich dry-salter, + You'd hear how supply he can shift and twist, + How BRUTUS with 'the base Monopolist' + Can calmly plot and palter," + + "Whilst MARABOUTS abound, O Shade," I cried, + "What wonder men are 'Mugwumps?'" Then my guide + Laughed low. "The æsthetic villa + Finds Shopdom's zeal on its fine senses jar; + Yet the Mugwumps Charybdis stands not far + From the Machine-man's Scylla. + + "Culture derides the Caucus for its heat, + Its hate--its absence of the Light and Sweet, + So jays might flout the vulture. + Partisan bitterness and purblind haste? + Come, view the haunts of dilettante Taste, + The coteries of Culture! + + "Here _Savants_ wrangle o'er a fossil bone, + CHAMPER, with curling lip and caustic tone, + At RUDDIMAN is railing. + CHAMPER knows everything, from PLATO'S text + To Protoplasm; yet his soul is vext, + His cheeks with spite are paling. + + "Why? Because RUDDIMAN, the rude, robust, + Has pierced with logic's vigorous vulgar thrust + The shield of icy polish. + CHAMPER, in print, is hot on party-hate, + Here his one aim is in the rough debate + His rival to demolish. + + "Sweet Reasonableness? Another host + Of sages see! The habits of the Ghost, + The Astral Body's action, + Absorb them, eager. Does more furious fire + The councils of the Caucusites inspire, + Or light the feuds of faction? + + "And there? They argue out with toil intense + A 'cosmic' poet's esoteric sense, + Of which a world, unwitting, + Recks nothing. Yet how terribly they'd trounce + Parliament's pettifogging, and denounce + 'Political hair-splitting'!" + + "O Shade, the difference is but small, one dreads. + Betwixt logomachists at loggerheads, + Whether their theme be bonnets + Or British interests. Zealot ardour burns + Scarce fiercer o'er Electoral Returns + Than over SHAKSPEARE'S Sonnets. + + "At MARABOUT the Mugwump sniffs and sneers; + Gregarious 'votes of thanks' and sheepish 'cheers' + Stir him to satire scornful. + But when sleek Culture apes, irate and loud, + The follies of the Caucus and the Crowd, + The spectacle is mournful." + + "True!" smiled the Shade. "Yon supercilious sage, + With patent prejudice and petty rage, + Penning a tart jobation + On practised Statesmen, must as much amuse + As Statesmen-sciolists venting vapid views + On rocks and revelation." + + (_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +THE SOUTH-EASTERN ALPHABET. + + A was the Anger evinced far and wide; + B was the Boat-train delayed by the tide; + C was the Chairman who found nothing wrong; + D was the Driver who sang the same song; + E was the Engine that stuck on the way; + F stood for Folkestone, reached late every day; + G was the Grumble to which this gave rise; + H was the Hubbub Directors despise; + I was the Ink over vain letters used; + J were the Junctions which some one abused; + K was the Kick "Protest" got for its crimes; + L were the Letters it wrote to the _Times_; + M was the Meeting that probed the affair; + N was the Nothing that came of the scare; + O was the Overdue train on its way; + P was the Patience that bore the delay; + Q was the Question which struck everyone; + R the Reply which could satisfy none; + S was the Station where passengers wait; + T was the Time that they're bound to be late; + U was the Up-train an hour overdue; + V was the Vagueness its movements pursue; + W stood for time's general Waste; + X for Ex-press that could never make haste; + Y for the Wherefore and Why of this wrong; + And Z for the Zanies who stand it so long! + + * * * * * + +STARTLING FOR GOURMETS.--"_Bisques_ disallowed." But it only refers to a +new rule of the Lawn Tennis Association; so "_Bisque d'écrevisses_" will +still be preserved to us among the _embarras de richesse_--(_i.e._ the +trouble caused subsequently by the richness,--_free trans._)--of a +thoroughgoing French dinner. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW TUNE. + +[Illustration: ] + +_Le Brav' Général tootles_:-- + + Heroes bold owe much to bold songs. + What's that? "Cannot sing the old songs"? + Pooh! 'Tis a Britannic ditty. + Truth, though, in it,--more's the pity! + "_En revenant de la Revue._" + People tire of that--too true! + I must give them something new. + Played out, Frenchmen? _Pas de danger!_ + Whilst you've still your _Brav'_ BOULANGER! + + Do they think BOULANGER "mizzles," + After all his recent "fizzles"? + (Most expressive slang, the Yankee!) + _Pas si bête_, my friends. No thank ye! + Came a cropper? Very true! + But I remount--my hobby's new, + So's my trumpet. Rooey-too! + France go softly? _Pas de danger!_ + Whilst she has her _Brav'_ BOULANGER! + + Cannot say her looks quite flatter. + Rather scornful. What's the matter? + Have you lost your recent fancy + For me and my charger prancy? + Turn those eyes this way, now _do_! + Mark my hobby,--not a screw! + Listen to my _chanson_ new! + BISMARCK flout you? _Pas de danger!_ + _He's_ afraid of _Brav'_ BOULANGER. + + Of your smile be not so chary! + The sixteenth of February + Probably will prove my care is + The especial charge of Paris. + Then you'll know that I am true. + "_En revenant de la Revue_;" + Stick to me, I'll stick to you. + Part with you, sweet? _Pas de danger!_ + Not the game of _Brav'_ BOULANGER! + + * * * * * + +THE CAPTAIN OF THE "PARIS." + + Captain SHARP, of the Newhaven steamer, _Paris, you_'re no craven; + Grim and growling was the gale that you from your dead reckoning + bore; + And, but for your brave behaving, she might never have made haven, + But have foundered in mid-Channel, or been wrecked on a lee-shore. + With your paddle-floats unfeathered, wonder was it that you weathered + Such a storm as that of Sunday, which upset our nerves on land, + Though in fire-side comfort tethered. How it blew, and blared, + and blethered! + All your passengers, my Captain, say your pluck and skill were + grand. + Much to men like you is owing, when wild storms around are blowing, + As they seem to have been doing since the opening of the year: + Howling, hailing, sleeting, snowing; but for captains calm and + knowing, + Passage of our angry Channel were indeed a task of fear. + Well, you brought them safely through it, when not every man could do + it, + And your passengers, my Captain, are inspired with gratitude. + Therefore, _Mr. Punch_ thus thanks you, and right readily enranks you, + As a hero on the record of our briny island brood. + Verily the choice of "_Paris_" in this case proved right; and rare is + Fitness between name and nature such as that _you_ illustrate. + Captain SHARP! A proper _nomen_, and it proved a prosperous omen + To your passengers, whom _Punch_ must on their luck congratulate. + + * * * * * + +ON BOARD THE CHANNEL STEAMER "PARIS" (_Night of Saturday, January 25, +1890_).--"SHARP'S the word!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOTHING LIKE A CHANGE! + +_Dr. Cockshure._ "MY GOOD SIR, WHAT _YOU_ WANT IS THOROUGH ALTERATION OF +CLIMATE. THE ONLY THING TO CURE _YOU_ IS A LONG SEA VOYAGE!" + +_Patient._ "THAT'S RATHER INCONVENIENT. YOU SEE I'M ONLY JUST HOME FROM +A SEA VOYAGE ROUND THE WORLD!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The title of the second chapter of _The Days of the Dandies_, in +_Blackwood_, is calculated to excite curiosity,--it is, "Some Great +Beauties, and some Social Celebrities." After reading the article, I +think it would have been styled more correctly, "A Few Great Beauties." +However, it is discursively amusing and interesting. There is much truth +in the paper on Modern Mannish Maidens. I hold that no number of a +Magazine is perfect without a tale of mystery and wonder, or a +ghost-story of some sort. I hope I have not overlooked one of these in +any Magazine for this month that I have seen. Last month there was a +good one in _Macmillan_, and another in _Belgravia_. I forget their +titles, unfortunately, and have mislaid the Magazines. But +_After-thoughts_, in this month's _Macmillan_, is well worth perusal. + +[Illustration: ] + +My faithful "Co." has been looking through the works of reference. He +complains that _Dod's Peerage, Baronetage, and Knighthood for 1890_ is +carelessly edited. He notes, as a sample, that Sir HENRY LELAND +HARRISON, who is said to have been born in 1857, is declared to have +entered the Indian Civil Service in 1860, when he was only three years +old--a manifest absurdity. As _Mr. Punch_ himself pointed out this +_bêtise_ in _Dod's &c., &c., for 1889_, it should have been corrected in +the new edition. "If this sort of thing continues," says the faithful +"Co.," "_Dod_ will be known as _Dodder_, or even _Dodderer_!" Sir +BERNARD BURKE'S _Genealogical and Heraldic Dictionary of the Peerage and +Baronetage_ is, in every sense, a noble volume, and seems to have been +compiled with the greatest care and accuracy. KELLY'S _Post Office +Directory_, of course, is a necessity to every man of letters. +_Whitaker's Almanack for 1890_ seems larger than usual, and better than +ever. WEBSTER'S _Royal Red Book_, and GARDINER'S _Royal Blue Book_, it +goes without saying, are both written by men of address. _The Century +Atlas and Gazetteer_ is a book amongst a hundred. Finally, the _Era +Almanack for 1890_, conducted by EDWARD LEDGER, is, as usual, full of +information concerning things theatrical--some of it gay, some of it +sad. "Replies to Questions by Actors and Actresses" is the liveliest +contribution in the little volume. The Obituary contains the name of +"EDWARD LITT LEMAN BLANCHARD," dramatist, novellist, and journalist, who +died on the 4th of September, 1889. It is hard to realise the _Era +Almanack_ without the excellent contributions of poor "E. L. B.!" + +"Co." furnishes some other notes in a livelier strain:-- + +_Matthew Prior._ (KEGAN PAUL.) If you are asked to go out in this +abominable weather, shelter yourself under the wing of Mr. AUSTIN +DOBSON, and plead a prior engagement. (Ha! Ha!) You will find the +engagement both prior and profitable. Mr. DOBSON'S introductory essay is +not only exhaustive, but in the highest degree interesting, and his +selection from the poems has been made with great taste and rare +discretion. + +_In the Garden of Dreams._ The lack of poets of the softer sex has been +recently a subject of remark. Lady-novelists we have in super-abundance, +of lady-dramatists we have more than enough, of lady-journalists we have +legions--but lady-poets we have but few. Possibly, they flourish more on +the other side of the Atlantic. At any rate we have a good example of +the American Muse in the latest volume by Mrs. LOUISE CHANDLER MOULTON. +This little book is full of grace, its versification is melodious, and +has the genuine poetic ring about it, which is as rare as it is +acceptable. It can scarcely fail to find favour with English readers. + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +EPIDEMIOLOGICAL. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The Camel is reported to be greatly instrumental in the +spread of cholera. This is evidently the Bacterian Camel, whose +humps--or is it hump?--have long been such a terror to those who really +don't care a bit how many humps an animal has. + +Yours faithfully, HUMPHRY CAMPBELL. + + * * * * * + +To THOSE WHO GET THEIR LIVING BY DYEING.--"Sweet Auburn!" exclaimed a +ruddy, aureate-haired lady of uncertain age,--anything, in fact, after +fifty,--"'Sweet Auburn!'" she repeated, musingly, "What does 'Sweet +Auburn' come from?" "Well," replied her husband, regarding her +_coiffure_ with an air of uncertainty, "I'm not quite sure, but I think +'Sweet Auburn' should be GRAY." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. V.--BRUNETTE AND BLANCHIDINE. + +_A Melodramatic Didactic Vaudeville, suggested by "The Wooden Doll and +the Wax Doll." By the Misses Jane and Ann Taylor._ + +[Illustration:] + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + +_Blanchidine_,} By the celebrated SISTERS STILTON, the Champion +_Brunette_. } Duettists and Clog-dancers. + + +_Fanny Furbelow._ By MISS SYLVIA SEALSKIN (_by kind permission of + the Gaiety Management_). + +_Frank Manly._ By MR. HENRY NEVILLE. + +SCENE--_A Sunny Glade in Kensington Gardens, between the Serpentine +and Round Pond_. + +_Enter_ BLANCHIDINE _and_ BRUNETTE, _with their arms thrown + affectionately around one another_. BLANCHIDINE _is carrying a large + and expressionless wooden doll_. + + _Duet and Step-dance._ + + _Bl._ Oh, I do adore BRUNETTE! (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity, + tappity-tippity, tippity-tappity, tip-tap! + + _Br_. BLANCHIDINE'S the sweetest pet! (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity, &c. + +_Together._ When the sun is high, + We come out to ply, + Nobody is nigh, + All is mirth and j'y! + + With a pairosol, + We'll protect our doll, + Make a mossy bed + For her wooden head! + + [_Combination step-dance, during which both watch their feet with an + air of detached and slightly amused interest, as if they belonged to + some other persons._ + + Clickity-clack, clickity-clack, clickity, clickity, clickity-clack; + clackity-clickity, clickity-clackity, clackity-clickity-_clack_! + + [_Repeat ad. lib._ + + _Bl._ (_apologetically to Audience_). Her taste in dress is rather + plain! (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity, &c. + + _Br._ (_in pitying aside_). It _is_ a pity she's so vain! + (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity, &c. + + _Bl._ 'Tis a shime to smoile, + But she's shocking stoyle, + It is quite a troyal, + Still--she mikes a foil! + + _Br._ Often I've a job + To suppress a sob, + She is such a snob, + When she meets a nob! [_Step-dance as before._ + + [_N.B.--In consideration of the well-known difficulty that most + popular variety-artists experience in the metrical delivery of + decasyllabic couplets, the lines which follow have been written as + they will most probably be spoken._ + + _Bl._ (_looking off with alarm_). Why, here comes FANNY FURBELOW, a + new frock from Paris in! She'll find me with BRUNETTE--it's too + embarrassing! + + [_Aside._ + _To Brunette._ BRUNETTE, my love, I know _such_ a pretty game we'll + play at-- + Poor TIMBURINA'S ill, and the seaside she ought to stay at. + (The Serpentine's the seaside, let's pretend,) + And _you_ shall take her there--(_hypocritically_)--you're such a + friend! + + _Br._ (_with simplicity_). Oh, yes, that _will_ be splendid, + BLANCHIDINE, + And then we can go and have a dip in a bathing-machine! + + [BLAN. _resigns the wooden doll to_ BRUN., _who skips off + with it_, L., _as_ FANNY FURBELOW _enters_, R., _carrying a + magnificent wax doll_. + + _Fanny_ (_languidly_). Ah, howdy do--_isn't_ this heat too frightful? + And so you're quite alone? + + _Bl._ (_nervously_). Oh, _quite_--oh yes, I always am alone, when + there's nobody with me. + + [_This is a little specimen of the Lady's humorous "gag," at + which she is justly considered a proficient._ + + _Fanny_ (_drawling_). Delightful! + When I was wondering, only a little while ago, + If I should meet a creature that I know; + Allow me--my new doll, the LADY MINNIE! + + _[Introducing doll._ + + _Bl._ (_rapturously_). Oh, what a perfect love! + + _Fanny_. She ought to be--for a guinea! + Here, you may nurse her for a little while. + Be careful, for her frock's the latest style. + + [_Gives_ BLAN. _the wax doll_. + + She's the best wax, and has three changes of clothing-- + For those cheap wooden dolls I've quite a loathing. + + _Bl._ (_hastily_). Oh, so have _I_--they're not to be endured! + + _Re-enter_ BRUNETTE _with the wooden doll, which she tries to + press upon_ BLANCHIDINE, _much to the latter's confusion_. + + _Br._ I've brought poor TIMBURINA back, completely cured! + Why, aren't you pleased? Your face is looking so cloudy! + + _F._ (_haughtily_). Is she a friend of _yours_--this little dowdy? + + [_Slow music._ + + _Bl._ (_after an internal struggle_). Oh, no, what an idea! Why, I + don't even know her by name! Some vulgar child ... + + [_Lets the wax doll fall unregarded on the gravel._ + + _Br._ (_indignantly_). Oh, what a horrid shame! + I see _now_ why you sent us to the Serpentine! + + _Bl._ (_heartlessly_). There's no occasion to flare up like turpentine. + + _Br._ (_ungrammatically_). I'm _not_! Disown your doll, and thrust me, + too, aside, + The one thing left for both of us is--suicide! + Yes, TIMBURINA, us no more she cherishes-- + _(Bitterly.)_ Well, the Round Pond a handy place to perish is! + + [_Rushes off stage with wooden doll._ + + _Bl._ (_making a feeble attempt to follow_). Come back, BRUNETTE; don't + leave me thus, in charity! + + _F._ (_with contempt_). Well, I'll be off--since you seem to prefer + vulgarity. + + _Bl._ No, stay--but--ah, she said--what if she _meant_ it? + + _F._ Not she! And, if she did, _we_ can't prevent it. + + _Bl._ (_relieved_). That's true--we'll play, and think no more about + her. + + _F._ (_sarcastically_). We may _just_ manage to get on without her! + So come--(_perceives doll lying face upwards on path_)--you odious + girl, what have you done? + Left LADY MINNIE lying in the blazing sun! + 'Twas done on purpose--oh, you _thing_ perfidious! [_Stamps._ + You _knew_ she'd melt, and get completely hideous! + Don't answer _me_, Miss--I wish we'd never met. + You're only fit for persons like BRUNETTE! + + [_Picks up doll, and exit in passion._ + + _Grand Sensation Descriptive Soliloquy, by_ BLANCHIDINE, _to + Melodramatic Music._ + + _Bl._ Gone! Ah, I am rightly punished! What would I not give now to + have homely little BRUNETTE, and dear old wooden-headed TIMBURINA back + again! _She_ wouldn't melt in the sun.... Where are they now? Great + Heavens! that threat--that rash resolve ... I remember all! 'Twas in + the direction of the Pond they vanished. (_Peeping anxiously between + trees._) Are they still in sight?... Yes, I see them! BRUNETTE has + reached the water's edge.... What is she purposing! Now she kneels on + the rough gravel; she is making TIMBURINA kneel too! How calm and + resolute they both appear! (_Shuddering._) I dare not look + further--but, ah, I must--_I must!_... Horror! I saw her boots flash + for an instant in the bright sunlight; and now the ripples have + closed, smiling over her little black stockings!... Help!--save her, + somebody!--help!... Joy! a gentleman has appeared on the scene--how + handsome, how brave he looks! He has taken in the situation at a + glance! With quiet composure he removes his coat--oh, _don't_ trouble + about folding it up!--and why, _why_ remove your gloves, when there is + not a moment to be lost? Now, with many injunctions, he entrusts his + watch to a bystander, who retires, overcome by emotion. And now--oh, + gallant, heroic soul!--now he is sending his toy terrier into the + seething water! (_Straining eagerly forward._) Ah, the dog paddles + bravely out--he has reached the spot ... oh, he has passed it!--he is + trying to catch a duck! Dog, dog, _is_ this a time for pursuing ducks? + At last he understands--he dives ... he brings up--agony! a small tin + cup! Again ... _this_ time, surely--what, only an old pot-hat!... Oh, + this dog is a fool! And still the Round Pond holds its dread secret! + Once more ... yes--no, yes, it _is_ TIMBURINA! Thank Heaven, she yet + breathes! But BRUNETTE? Can she have stuck in the mud at the bottom? + Ha, she, too, is rescued--saved--ha-ha-ha!--saved, saved, saved! + + [_Swoons hysterically, amid deafening applause._ + + _Enter_ FRANK MANLY, _supporting_ BRUNETTE, _who carries_ TIMBURINA. + + _Bl._ (_wildly_). What, do I see you safe, beloved BRUNETTE? + + _Br._ Yes, thanks to his courage, I'm not even _wet_! + + _Frank_ (_modestly_). Nay, spare your compliments. To rescue Beauty, + When in distress, is every hero's duty! + + _Bl._ BRUNETTE, forgive--I'm cured of all my folly! + + _Br._ (_heartily_). Of course I will, my dear, and so will dolly! + + [_Grand Trio and Step-dance, with "tippity-tappity," and + "clickity-clack" refrain as finale._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE NEW GERMAN RIFLE." + +(A FANCY SKETCH OF ITS STARTLING APPEARANCE.) + +"The Regulations for the employment of the new German Infantry Rifle +have just been published. With regard to the capabilities of the new +rifle, the Regulations assert, that in this arm the German Infantry +possesses a weapon standing fully abreast of the time with a range such +as was heretofore held to be impossible of attainment."--_Standard, Jan. +25._] + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +COMMEMORATION BIRTHDAY CONCERT.--The programme you are preparing, after +the fashion set the other evening in St. James's Hall, at an +entertainment organised in honour of the birthday of the poet BURNS, for +the purpose of paying a similar tribute to the memory of his great +fellow-countryman, Sir WALTER SCOTT, certainly promises well. As you +very truly point out that, as at the Concert which you are taking as +your model, though the name of BURNS was tacked on to nearly every item +in the programme, as if he had been responsible for the words, music and +all, it did not seem limited to the Poet's work alone, you might +certainly allow yourself the latitude you propose in arranging your own +scheme. The fact that, at the Burns Celebration, M. NACHEZ played his +own Hungarian dances, the connection between which and the Poet's +birthday is not, at first sight, entirely obvious, and that another +gentleman, with equal appropriateness, favoured the company with "_The +Death of Nelson_," on the trombone, seems certainly to give you a +warrant for the introduction you contemplate making, in commemoration of +Sir WALTER, of the Chinese Chopstick Mazurka, and the Woora-woora +Cannibal Islanders side-knife and sledge-hammer war-dance. It may of +course be possible, in a remote way, to introduce them, as you suggest, +into _Old Mortality_, but we should think you would be nearer the mark +with that other item of your programme, that associates _Jem Baggs_ with +_The Lay of the Last Minstrel_. Your idea of accepting and utilising the +offer of the GIRALFI family to introduce their Drawing-room +Entertainment into your programme seems excellent, and has certainly as +much in common with the Birthday of Sir WALTER SCOTT as the "_Death of +Nelson_," on the trombone, has with that of the distinguished Novelist's +great brother Poet. There is no reason, as you further point out, why +you should not organise a whole Series of Commemorative Birthday +Entertainments, as you think of doing, on the same plan, and with +BEETHOVEN, MACAULAY, Dr. JOHNSON, and WARREN HASTINGS, the celebrities +you mention, to begin upon, you ought to have no difficulty in working +in the solo on the big drum, the performance of the Learned Hyæna, the +Japanese Twenty-feet Bayonet-jump, and the other equally appropriate +attractions with which you are already in communication. Anyhow, begin +with Sir WALTER SCOTT, following the St. James's Hall lead, and let us +hear how you get on. + + * * * + +STRIKING WEDDING PRESENTS.--As you seem to think that a list of the +presents made to your young friends who are about to be married will in +all probability be published in some of the Society papers, "with the +names of the donors," we think, on the whole, we would advise you _not_ +to give them, as you seem rather inclined to do, those three hundred +weight of cheap sardines of which you became possessed through a seizure +of your agents for arrears of rent. You might certainly present them +with the disabled omnibus horse that came into your hands on the same +occasion. Horses are sometimes given as wedding presents. There were +four down in a list of gifts at a fashionable marriage only last week. +But, of course, it would not suit your purpose to appear as the donor of +a "damaged" creature. We think, perhaps, it would be wiser to accept the +five pounds offered you through the veterinary surgeon you mention, and +lay out the money, as you suggest, in sixteen hundred Japanese fans. If +it falls through, and you find the horse still on your hands, there is +no need to mention its association with the omnibus. "Mr. JOHN +JOHNSON--a riding horse," doesn't read badly. We almost think this is +better than the fans. Think it over. + + * * * * * + +THE LUXURY OF PANTOMIME. + +One day last week, after a struggle for life, Her Majesty's Theatre was +shut up, five hundred persons, so it was stated, lost employment, and +the _Cinderella_ family, proud sisters and all, nay, even the gallant +Prince himself, were turned adrift. Smiling, at the helm of the Drury +Lane Ship, stands AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS, who sees, not unmoved, the wreck +of "Her Majesty's Opposition," and murmurs to himself as _Jack and the +Beanstalk_ continues its successful course, "This is, indeed, the +survival of the fittest," and, charitably, DRURIOLANUS sends out a +life-boat entitled "Benefit Performance" to the rescue of the +shipwrecked crew. _Ave Cæsar_! + +From this disaster there results a moral, "which, when found," it would +be as well to "make a note of." It is this: as evidently London will +not, or cannot, support two Pantomimes, several Circuses, and a Show +like BARNUM'S, all through one winter, why try the experiment? +especially when the _luxe_ of Pantomime, fostered by DRURIOLANUS, is so +enormous, that any competitor must be forced into ruinous and even +reckless extravagance, in order to enter into anything like rivalry with +The Imperator who "holds the field" for Pantomime, just as he holds "The +Garden" for Opera, against all comers. + +These rival establishments only do harm to one another, spoil the public +by indulging their taste for magnificent spectacle, increasing in +gorgeousness every year, until true Pantomime will be overlaid with +jewelled armour, crushed under velvet and gold, and be lying helpless +under the weight of its own gorgeosity. We should question whether the +Olympian BARNUM has done much good for himself, seeing how gigantic the +expenses must be; and certainly he can't have done good to the theatres. +As to Shows, "The more the merrier" does not hold good. "The fewer the +better" is nearer the mark in every sense, and perhaps the experience of +this season may suggest even to DRURIOLANUS to give the public still +more fun for their money (and there is plenty of genuine fun in _Jack +and the Beanstalk_), with less show, in less time, and at consequently +less expense to himself, and with, therefore, bigger profits. We shall +see. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + + "Mr. GLADSTONE desires that ALL LETTERS, &c., should be addressed to + him at 10, St. James's Square, London."--_Standard, Jan. 25._ + +Why should "all letters" be addressed to Mr. GLADSTONE? Isn't anybody +else to have any? How about Valentine's Day? Will "_all letters_" be +addressed to him then? If so--then the above Illustration conveys only a +feeble idea of the result.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES. + +_Fair Hostess_ (_to Mrs. Masham, who is looking her very best_). +"HOWDYDO, DEAR? I HOPE YOU'RE NOT SO TIRED AS YOU _LOOK_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FINISHING TOUCH; OR, PREPARING FOR MR. SPEAKER'S +PARTY. + +"THANK GOODNESS, HE'S READY AT LAST!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FINISHING TOUCH; + +OR, PREPARING FOR MR. SPEAKER'S PARTY. + +_Anxious Old (Legal) Nurses loquitur_:-- + + Ah! he's ready now, thanks be! + But a plaguier child than he + I am sure we Nusses three + Never dressed. + But at last we have got through; + Well-curled hair, and sash of blue! + Yes, we rather think he'll do, + Heaven be blessed! + + Ah! the awful time it took! + Never mind; by hook or crook + We have togged him trimly. Look! + There he stands! + His long wailings nearly hushed, + Buttoned, pinned, oiled, combed and brushed, + And his tight glove-fingers crushed + On his hands. + + Does us credit, don't you think? + How the chit would writhe and shrink, + Get his garments in a kink + Every way! + Awful handful, hot and heady, + Shuffling round, ne'er standing steady, + Feared we'd never get him ready + For the day. + + Mr. SPEAKER'S Party,--yes! + Hope he'll be a great success; + His clean face and natty dress + _Ought_ to please. + But there'll be no end of eyes + On his buttons, hooks, and ties; + Prompt to chaff and criticise, + Tear and tease. + + There'll be many an Irish boy + Who will find it his chief joy + To upset and to annoy + The young Turk; + And, with no particular call, + Try to make him squeal and squall, + Disarrange him, after all + Our hard work. + + Not to mention other lads, + Regular rowdy little Rads, + Full of ill-conditioned fads, + And mean spite; + Who will pinch and pull the hair + Of our charge who's standing there, + After all our patient care + Right and tight. + + For we know they don't like _us_, + And they're sure to scold and cuss + The tired three, and raise a fuss + And a pother + About Hopeful here. Heigho! + But he's ready, dears, to go. + Ah! they little little know + All our bother! + + On our hands heaven knows how long + We have had him. 'Twould be wrong + To indulge in language strong; + But how hearty + Is our joy that we have done! + There now, REPPY, off you run! + Only hope you'll have good fun + At the Party! + + * * * * * + +TO AN OLD FRIEND WITH A NEW WIG. + +Delighted to hear that our friend CHARLES HALL, A.D.C., Trin. Coll. +Cam., and Q.C., is likely to be made a Judge. Where will he sit? +Admiralty, Probate, and Divorce Court, where wreckage cases of ships and +married lives are heard? Health to the Judge that shall be, with a song +and chorus, if you please, Gentlemen, to the ancient air of "_Samuel +Hall_," revived for this occasion only:-- + + His name it is CHARLES HALL, + A.D.C. and Q.C., + His name it is CHARLES HALL. + In cases great and small + He's shone out since his call, + All agree. + + In Court of Admiral_tee_ + Did he drudge, (_bis_) + In Court of Admiraltee, + 'Bout lights and wrecks,--will he + Henceforth be less at sea + As a Judge? + +_Chorus._ + +(_To quite another tune, i.e., the refrain of_ GEORGE GROSSMITH'S _song, +"How I became an Actor."_) + + And each of his friends makes this remark, + (Retort he may with "Fudge!") + "Now wasn't I the first to say, you're sure + Some day to be a Judge!" + +It will be a touching spectacle, as, indeed, it always is to the +reflective mind, to see the new Judge sitting among the wrecks, like +"Marius among the Ruins." Fine subject for Sir FREDERICK, P.R.A., in the +next Academy Exhibition. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE (IN RESULT). + +"HULLO, JIM, WHATEVER MADE YOU COME OFF?"--"WHY, THE BRUTE +BUCKED!"--"BUCKED! NONSENSE, MAN, SHE ONLY COUGHED!"] + + * * * * * + +KICKED! + +(_By the Foot of Clara Groomley._) + +IN FOUR CHAPTERS.--III. + +Nothing done! The whole Detective force of London, having nothing better +to do, were placed at my disposal, and, after three weeks' search, they +found a girl called SMITH; but it was the wrong one. My darling is +_blonde_, and this was a dark, almost a black, SMITH. I came back to +Ryde in a passion and a third-class carriage. I find from Mademoiselle +that Miss SMITH has not yet returned. + +[Illustration: ] + +JAMES seemed pleased to see me, but he noticed that in my anxiety and +preoccupation I had forgotten to have my hat ironed. The hotel is quite +full, and I am to sleep in the Haunted Room to-night. + + * * * + +I am not a hysterical man, and this is not a neurotic story. It is, as a +matter of fact, the same old rot to which the shilling shockers have +made us accustomed. I cannot account in any way for my experiences last +night in the Haunted Room, but they certainly were not due to +nervousness. I had not been asleep long before I had a most curious and +vivid dream. I felt that I was not in the hotel, and that at the same +time I was not out of it. I had a curious sense of being everywhere in +general, and nowhere in particular. + +I saw before me a gorgeously furnished room. On the tiger-skin rug +before the fire was a basket with a crewel-worked chair-back spread over +it. _What was in the basket?_ Again and again I asked myself that +question. I felt like a long-division sum, and a cold shiver went down +my quotient. + +In one corner of the room stood a man of about thirty, with a handsome, +wicked face. One hand rested on the drawer of a writing-table. Slowly he +drew from it a folded paper, and read, in a harsh, raucous voice:-- + +"'To cleaning and repairing one----' No, that's not it." + +He selected another paper. Ah, it was the right one this time! + +"'Memorandum of Aunt JANE'S Will.' 'All property to go to ALICE SMITH, +unless Aunt JANE'S poodle, _Tommy Atkins_, dies before ALICE SMITH comes +of age. In which case, it all goes to me.' I remember making that note +when the will was read. And now"--he glanced at the covered +basket--"_Tommy_'s kicked the bucket. Well, he stood in my way. Who's to +know? But there must be no _post-mortem_, no 'vet' fetched in. Happy +thought--I'll have the brute stuffed." He knelt down by the side of the +basket, and slowly drew back the covering. "Ah!" he said--"it's cruel +work." + +Did he refer to the chair-back? or did he refer to the way in which, for +the sake of gain, an honest dog had been MURDERED? For there before my +eyes lay the dead poodle, _Tommy Atkins_! + +"ALICE loses all her money," he continued, "but that doesn't matter. She +tells me that she's picked up no end of a swell down at Ryde, and he may +marry her. The question is--will he?" Once more I felt like a division +sum. I yearned to call out loudly, and answer with a decided negative; +but no words came. My strength was gone. I was utterly worked out, and +there was no remainder. + +When I came to myself, I found JAMES, the waiter, standing by my bedside +with a gentleman whom I did not know. JAMES introduced him to me as a +Mr. ALKALOID, a photographer who was stopping in the hotel. Mr. ALKALOID +had been woken up by a wild shriek for a decided negative, and had +rushed down to see if he could do a little business. "Take you by the +electric light," he said; "just as you are,"--I was in my night-dress +and the old, old hat, the rim of which had been slightly +sprained,--"perfectly painless process, and money returned if not +satisfactory." I thanked him warmly, and apologised for having disturbed +him. + +I went to London on the following day. I felt it my positive duty to +explain that I should always regard ALICE SMITH as a sister, but nothing +more. + +I had quite forgotten that I did not know the house where ALICE SMITH +lived, and the poodle dog lay dead. + +(_Here ends the Narrative of_ CYRIL MUSH.) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SUMMONS TO DUTY. + +(_Design for a Parliamentary Cartoon, illustrating the Life of a Country +Member._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EXCLUSIVE DEALING." + +_Irish Landlord_ (_boycotted_). "PAT, MY MAN, I'M IN NO END OF A HURRY. +PUT THE PONY TO, AND DRIVE ME TO THE STATION, AND I'LL GIVE YE HALF A +SOVEREIGN!" + +_Pat_ (_Nationalist, but needy_). "OCH SHURE, IT'S MORE THAN ME LOIFE IS +WORTH TO BE SEEN DROIVING _YOU_, YER HONOUR. BUT"--(_slily_)--"IF YER +HONOUR WOULD JIST DROIVE _ME_, MAYBE IT'S MESELF THAT MOIGHT VENTURE +IT!"] + + * * * * * + +"SWEET-MARJORIE!" + +[Illustration: Change for a Tenor. Wilfred of Huntington is succeeded by +that Man of Mark--Tapley.] + +Take it all in all, _Marjorie_ at the Prince of Wales' is a very +satisfactory production. The subject is English, the music is English, +and the "book" is English too. So when we applaud the new Opera, we have +the satisfaction of knowing that our cheers are given in the cause of +native talent triumphant. This is appropriate to the "time" of the play +(the commencement of the thirteenth century), which is the very epoch +when the Saxons were beginning to hold their own in the teeth of their +Norman conquerors. But leaving patriotism out of the question (a matter +which, it is to be feared, is not likely to influence Stalls, Pit, and +Gallery materially for a very lengthened period), the Opera _quâ_ Opera +is a very good one. The company is strong--so strong, that it hears the +loss of an accomplished songstress like Miss HUNTINGTON without severely +suffering. It is true that an excellent substitute for the lady has been +found in that tenor with the cheerful name, Mr. MARK TAPLEY, whose notes +are certainly worth their weight in gold; but leaving the +representatives of _Wilfred_ "outside the competition," the remainder of +the _Dramatis Personæ_ are excellent. They work well together, and +consequently the _ensemble_ is in the highest degree pleasing. + +Assistance of rather a graver character than usually associated with +comic opera is naturally afforded by Mr. HAYDYN COFFIN. Miss PHYLLIS +BROUGHTON is introduced not only to sing but to dance, and performs the +latter accomplishment with a grace not to be surpassed, and only to be +equalled by Miss KATE VAUGHAN. Mr. ASHLEY, now happily returned to the +melodious paths from which he strayed to play in pieces of the calibre +of _Pink Dominoes_, seems quite at home in the character of _Sir +Simon_--not "the Cellarer," but rather, "the sold one." Mr. MONKHOUSE, +whose name and personality go to prove that a cowl does not preclude its +occasional occupation by a wag, is most amusing as _Gosric_. Mr. ALBERT +JAMES is a lively jester, whose quips and cranks might have been of +considerable value to Mr. JOSEPH MILLER when that literary droll was +engaged in compiling his comic classic. Miss D'ARVILLE and Madame AMADI +both work with a will, and find a way to public favour. The dresses are +in excellent taste, and the scenery capital. + +That the _mise en scène_ is perfect, goes without saying, as this Opera +has been produced by that past master of stage-direction, the one and +only AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS. The dialogue is sufficiently pointed--not too +pointed, but pointed enough. It does not require a knowledge of the +niceties of the law, the regulations of the British army, or a keen +appreciation of the subtlest subtleties of logic to fully understand it. +It is amusing, and provocative of innocent laughter, which, after all, +seems to be a sufficient recommendation for words spoken within the +walls of a play-house. The music is full of melody--"quite killing," as +a young lady wittily observed, on noticing that the name of the Composer +was SLAUGHTER. So _Marjorie_ may be fairly said not only to have +deserved success, but (it is satisfactory to be able to add) also to +have attained it. + + ONE WHO HAS PRACTISED AT THE MUSICAL BAR. + + * * * * * + +STATESMEN AT HOME. + +DCXLIII. THE RIGHT HON. W. E. GLADSTONE, M.P., AT HAWARDEN. + +[Illustration: ] + +As you approach the historic home of the great English Statesman who is +to be your host to-day, you become conscious of the fact that there are +two Hawarden Castles. Moreover, as young HERBERT pleasantly remarks a +little later in the day, "You must draw a Hawarden-fast line between the +two." One, standing on a hill dominating a far-reaching tract of level +country, was already so old in the time of EDWARD THE FIRST that it was +found necessary to rebuild it. Looking through your Domesday Book (which +you always carry with you on these excursions), you find the mansion +referred to under the style of Haordine. This, antiquarians assume, is +the Saxonised form of the earlier British _Y Garthddin_, which, being +translated, means "The hill-fort on the projecting ridge." + +When WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR came over, bringing with him a following the +numerical proportions of which increase as the years roll by, he found +the Fort on the Hill held by EDWARD of Mercia, and deemed it convenient +to leave it in his possession. The Castle played its part in English +history down to the time, now 130 years gone by, when it came into the +hands of Sir JOHN GLYNN, and thence through long descent became an +inheritance of the gracious lady who, with cambric cap-strings streaming +in the free air of the Marches, joins your host in welcoming you. + +It is, however, not on the steps of the old castle of which Prince +LLEWELLYN was once lord that you are thus received. By the side of the +old ruin has grown up another Hawarden Castle, a roomy mansion, +statelily stuccoed, with sham turrets run up, buttresses, embrasures, +portholes, and portcullises, putting to shame the rugged, looped and +windowless ruin that still stands on the projecting ridge. This dates +only from the beginning of the century, and, looking upon it, your face +glows with honest pride, as you think how much better the generation +near your own made for itself dwelling-houses compared with the earlier +English. + +Whilst you stand musing on these things you are conscious of a whishing +sound, and a breath of swiftly moving cool air wantonly strikes your +cheek. You look up and behold! there is your host, axe in hand, +playfully performing a number of passes over your unconscious head. His +dress is designed admirably to suit the exercise. Coat and waistcoat are +doffed; the immortal collars are turned down, displaying the columnar +throat and the brawny chest; the snow-white shirt-sleeves are turned up +to the elbow, disclosing biceps that SAMSON would envy and SANDOW covet. +His braces are looped on either side of his supple hips, and his right +hand grasps the axe which, a moment ago had been performing over your +head a series of evolutions which, remarkable for the strength and +agility displayed, were, perhaps, scarcely desirable for daily +repetition. + +"Don't be frightened, TOBY M.P.," said the full rich voice so familiar +in the House of Commons; "it's our wild woodsman's way of welcoming the +coming guest. What do you think of my costume? Seen it before? Ah! +_yes_, the photographs. _Carte de visite style_, _10s. 6d._ a dozen; +Cabinet size, a guinea. I have been photographed several times as you +will observe." + +And, indeed, as your host leads you along the stately passages, through +the storied rooms, you find his photograph everywhere. The tables are +covered with them, showing your host in all attitudes and costumes. +"Yes," he says, with a sigh, "I think I have marched up to the camera's +mouth as often as most men of my years." + +Ascending the rustic staircase which leads from the garden, WILLIAM +EWART GLADSTONE takes you past the library into the drawing-room, in the +upper parts of the leaded windows of which are inserted panels of rare +old glass, cunningly obtained by melting superfluous Welsh ale bottles. +He leads you to a table, as round as that at which a famous Conference +was held, and points to a little ivory painting. It shows a chubby +little boy some two years of age, with rather large head and broad +shoulders, sitting at the knee of a young nymph approaching her fifth +year. On her knee is a book, and the chubby boy, with dark hair falling +low over his forehead, his great brown eyes staring frankly at you, +points with his finger to a passage. When you learn that this is a +portrait of your host and his sister taken in the year 1811, you +naturally come to the conclusion that the young lady has, for party +purposes, been misquoting some passages in her brother's speech, and +that he, having produced an authorised record of his address, is +triumphantly pointing to the text in controversion of her statement. + +Your host, chopping grimly at the furniture as he passes along--here +dexterously severing the leg of a Chippendale chair, and there hacking a +piece off a Louis Quatorze couch--leads the way to an annexe he has just +built for the reception of his treasured books. From the outside this +excrescence on the Castle has but a poverty-stricken look. It is, to +tell the truth, made of corrugated iron. But that is a cloak that +cunningly covers an interior of rare beauty and rich design. Arras of +cloth of gold hangs loosely on the walls, whilst here and there, on the +far-reaching floor, gleams the low light of a faded Turkey carpet. Open +tables, covered with broad cloths of crimson velvet, embroidered and +fringed with gold, carry innumerable Blue Books. On marble tables, +supported on carved and gilded frames, stand priceless vases, filled +with rare flowers. In crystal flagons you detect the sheen of amber +light (which may be sherry wine), whilst the ear is lulled with the +sound of fountains dispensing perfumes as of Araby. In an alcove, +chastely draped with violent violet velvet, the grey apes swing, and the +peacocks preen, on fretted pillar and jewelled screen. Horologes, to +chime the hours, and even the quarters, uprise from tables of +ebony-and-mother-of-pearl. Cabinets from Ind and Venice, of filligree +gold and silver, enclose complete sets of _Hansard's Parliamentary +Debates_; whilst lamps of silver, suspended from pendant pinnacles in +the fretted ceiling, shed a soft light over the varied mass of colour. + +Casting himself down lightly by a cabinet worked with Dutch beads +interspersed with seed-pearls, and toying with the gnarled handle of the +axe, the Right Hon. WILLIAM EWART GLADSTONE tells you the story of his +life. At the outset you are a little puzzled to gather where exactly he +was born. At first you think it was in Scotland. Anon some town in +England claims the honour. Then Wales is incidentally mentioned, and +next the tearful voice of Erin claims her son. But, as the story goes +forward with long majestic stride, these difficulties fade in the +glamour of the Old Man's eloquence, and when you awake and find your +host has not yet got beyond the second course--the fish, as it were, of +the intellectual banquet--you say you will call again. + +Mention of the three courses naturally suggests dinner, and as you +evidently enjoy the monopoly of the mental association, you take your +leave, perhaps regretting that among his wild woodsman accessories your +host does not seem to include the midday chop. + + * * * * * + +GOLD-TIPPED cigarettes seem just now to be "the swagger thing." "Ah!" +Master TOMMY sighed, as he set off for school with only five shillings +in his pocket, in consequence of all his dearest--and nearest--relatives +being laid up with the prevailing epidemic, "Ah, how I should like to be +one of those cigarettes, and then I should be tipped with gold." + + * * * * * + + NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., + Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no + case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and + Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30033 *** |