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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
+February 8, 1890, by Various, Edited by F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, February 8, 1890
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 19, 2009  [eBook #30033]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 98, FEBRUARY 8, 1890***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 30033-h.htm or 30033-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30033/30033-h/30033-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30033/30033-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 98.
+
+FEBRUARY 8, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: ]
+
+UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS.
+
+    "Tres volontiers," repartit le demon. "Vous aimez les tableaux
+    changeans: je veux vous contenter."
+
+_Le Diable Boiteux._
+
+  XIX.
+
+  "A Late Symposium! Yet they're not engaged
+  In compotations. Argument hath raged
+    Four hours by the dial;
+  But zealotry of party, creed, or clique
+  Marks not the clock, whilst of polemic pique
+    There's one unvoided vial."
+
+  So smiled the Shade. Dusk coat and gleaming head,
+  Viewed from above, before my gaze outspread
+    Like a black sea bespotted
+  With bare pink peaks of coral isles; all eyes
+  Were fixed on one who reeled out rhapsodies
+    In diction double-shotted.
+
+  A long and lofty room, with pillars cold,
+  And spacious walls of chocolate and gold;
+    The solid sombre glory
+  Of tint oppressive and of tasteless shine,
+  Dear to the modern British Philistine,
+    Saint, sceptic, Whig, or Tory.
+
+  "No Samson-strength of intellect or taste
+  Shall bow the pillars of this temple chaste
+    Of ugliness and unction.
+  What is't they argue lengthily and late?
+  The flame of patriot passion for the State
+    Fires this polemic function.
+
+  "A caitiff Government has done a thing
+  To make its guardian-angel droop her wing
+    In sickened indignation:
+  That is, has striven to strengthen its redoubts,
+  Perfidious 'Ins,' to foil the eager 'Outs.'
+    Hence endless execration.
+
+  "Hence all Wire-pullerdom is up in arms;
+  With clarion-toned excursions and alarms
+    The rival camp is ringing.
+  Hence perky commoners and pompous peers,
+  'Midst vehement applause and volleying cheers,
+    Stale platitudes are stringing.
+
+  "The British Public--some five hundred strong--
+  Is here to 'strangle a Gigantic Wrong,'--
+    So MARABOUT is saying.
+  Watch his wide waistcoat and his wandering eyes,
+  His stamping boots of Brobdingnagian size,
+    Clenched hands, and shoulders swaying.
+
+  "A great Machine-man, MARABOUT! He dotes
+  On programmes hectographed and Party votes.
+    For all his pasty pallor
+  And shifty glance, he has the mob's regard,
+  And he is deemed by council, club, and ward
+    A mighty man of valour.
+
+  "A purchased henchman to a Star of State?
+  Perhaps. But here he'll pose and perorate,
+    A Brutus vain and voluble.
+  And who, like MARABOUT, with vocal flux
+  Of formulas, can settle every _crux_
+    That wisdom finds insoluble?
+
+  "'Hear! hear!' That shibboleth of shallow souls
+  Around his ears in clamorous cadence rolls;
+    He swells, he glows, he twinkles;
+  The sapient Chairman wags his snowy pate,
+  Whilst cynic triumph, cautious yet elate,
+    Lurks laughing in his wrinkles.
+
+  "And there sits honest zeal, absorbed, intent,
+  And cheerfully credulous. MARABOUT has bent
+    To the Commercial Dagon
+  He publicly derides; but many here
+  Will toast 'his genuine grit, his manly cheer,'
+    Over a friendly flagon.
+
+  "Look on him later! There he snugly sits
+  With his rich patron. Were it war of wits
+    That wakes their crackling chuckles,
+  They scarce were heartier. It would strangely shock
+  MARABOUT'S worshippers to hear him mock
+    The 'mob' to which he truckles.
+
+  "Truckles in platform speech. In club-room chat
+  With WAGSTAFF, shrewd wire-puller, flushed and fat,
+    Or DODD, the rich dry-salter,
+  You'd hear how supply he can shift and twist,
+  How BRUTUS with 'the base Monopolist'
+    Can calmly plot and palter,"
+
+  "Whilst MARABOUTS abound, O Shade," I cried,
+  "What wonder men are 'Mugwumps?'" Then my guide
+    Laughed low. "The aesthetic villa
+  Finds Shopdom's zeal on its fine senses jar;
+  Yet the Mugwumps Charybdis stands not far
+    From the Machine-man's Scylla.
+
+  "Culture derides the Caucus for its heat,
+  Its hate--its absence of the Light and Sweet,
+    So jays might flout the vulture.
+  Partisan bitterness and purblind haste?
+  Come, view the haunts of dilettante Taste,
+    The coteries of Culture!
+
+  "Here _Savants_ wrangle o'er a fossil bone,
+  CHAMPER, with curling lip and caustic tone,
+    At RUDDIMAN is railing.
+  CHAMPER knows everything, from PLATO'S text
+  To Protoplasm; yet his soul is vext,
+    His cheeks with spite are paling.
+
+  "Why? Because RUDDIMAN, the rude, robust,
+  Has pierced with logic's vigorous vulgar thrust
+    The shield of icy polish.
+  CHAMPER, in print, is hot on party-hate,
+  Here his one aim is in the rough debate
+    His rival to demolish.
+
+  "Sweet Reasonableness? Another host
+  Of sages see! The habits of the Ghost,
+    The Astral Body's action,
+  Absorb them, eager. Does more furious fire
+  The councils of the Caucusites inspire,
+    Or light the feuds of faction?
+
+  "And there? They argue out with toil intense
+  A 'cosmic' poet's esoteric sense,
+    Of which a world, unwitting,
+  Recks nothing. Yet how terribly they'd trounce
+  Parliament's pettifogging, and denounce
+    'Political hair-splitting'!"
+
+  "O Shade, the difference is but small, one dreads.
+  Betwixt logomachists at loggerheads,
+    Whether their theme be bonnets
+  Or British interests. Zealot ardour burns
+  Scarce fiercer o'er Electoral Returns
+    Than over SHAKSPEARE'S Sonnets.
+
+  "At MARABOUT the Mugwump sniffs and sneers;
+  Gregarious 'votes of thanks' and sheepish 'cheers'
+    Stir him to satire scornful.
+  But when sleek Culture apes, irate and loud,
+  The follies of the Caucus and the Crowd,
+    The spectacle is mournful."
+
+  "True!" smiled the Shade. "Yon supercilious sage,
+  With patent prejudice and petty rage,
+    Penning a tart jobation
+  On practised Statesmen, must as much amuse
+  As Statesmen-sciolists venting vapid views
+    On rocks and revelation."
+
+  (_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOUTH-EASTERN ALPHABET.
+
+  A was the Anger evinced far and wide;
+  B was the Boat-train delayed by the tide;
+  C was the Chairman who found nothing wrong;
+  D was the Driver who sang the same song;
+  E was the Engine that stuck on the way;
+  F stood for Folkestone, reached late every day;
+  G was the Grumble to which this gave rise;
+  H was the Hubbub Directors despise;
+  I was the Ink over vain letters used;
+  J were the Junctions which some one abused;
+  K was the Kick "Protest" got for its crimes;
+  L were the Letters it wrote to the _Times_;
+  M was the Meeting that probed the affair;
+  N was the Nothing that came of the scare;
+  O was the Overdue train on its way;
+  P was the Patience that bore the delay;
+  Q was the Question which struck everyone;
+  R the Reply which could satisfy none;
+  S was the Station where passengers wait;
+  T was the Time that they're bound to be late;
+  U was the Up-train an hour overdue;
+  V was the Vagueness its movements pursue;
+  W stood for time's general Waste;
+  X for Ex-press that could never make haste;
+  Y for the Wherefore and Why of this wrong;
+  And Z for the Zanies who stand it so long!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STARTLING FOR GOURMETS.--"_Bisques_ disallowed." But it only refers to a
+new rule of the Lawn Tennis Association; so "_Bisque d'ecrevisses_" will
+still be preserved to us among the _embarras de richesse_--(_i.e._ the
+trouble caused subsequently by the richness,--_free trans._)--of a
+thoroughgoing French dinner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW TUNE.
+
+[Illustration: ]
+
+_Le Brav' General tootles_:--
+
+  Heroes bold owe much to bold songs.
+  What's that? "Cannot sing the old songs"?
+  Pooh! 'Tis a Britannic ditty.
+  Truth, though, in it,--more's the pity!
+  "_En revenant de la Revue._"
+  People tire of that--too true!
+  I must give them something new.
+    Played out, Frenchmen? _Pas de danger!_
+    Whilst you've still your _Brav'_ BOULANGER!
+
+  Do they think BOULANGER "mizzles,"
+  After all his recent "fizzles"?
+  (Most expressive slang, the Yankee!)
+  _Pas si bete_, my friends. No thank ye!
+  Came a cropper? Very true!
+  But I remount--my hobby's new,
+  So's my trumpet. Rooey-too!
+    France go softly? _Pas de danger!_
+    Whilst she has her _Brav'_ BOULANGER!
+
+  Cannot say her looks quite flatter.
+  Rather scornful. What's the matter?
+  Have you lost your recent fancy
+  For me and my charger prancy?
+  Turn those eyes this way, now _do_!
+  Mark my hobby,--not a screw!
+  Listen to my _chanson_ new!
+    BISMARCK flout you? _Pas de danger!_
+    _He's_ afraid of _Brav'_ BOULANGER.
+
+  Of your smile be not so chary!
+  The sixteenth of February
+  Probably will prove my care is
+  The especial charge of Paris.
+  Then you'll know that I am true.
+  "_En revenant de la Revue_;"
+  Stick to me, I'll stick to you.
+    Part with you, sweet? _Pas de danger!_
+    Not the game of _Brav'_ BOULANGER!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAPTAIN OF THE "PARIS."
+
+  Captain SHARP, of the Newhaven steamer, _Paris, you_'re no craven;
+    Grim and growling was the gale that you from your dead reckoning
+      bore;
+  And, but for your brave behaving, she might never have made haven,
+    But have foundered in mid-Channel, or been wrecked on a lee-shore.
+  With your paddle-floats unfeathered, wonder was it that you weathered
+    Such a storm as that of Sunday, which upset our nerves on land,
+  Though in fire-side comfort tethered. How it blew, and blared,
+      and blethered!
+    All your passengers, my Captain, say your pluck and skill were
+      grand.
+  Much to men like you is owing, when wild storms around are blowing,
+    As they seem to have been doing since the opening of the year:
+  Howling, hailing, sleeting, snowing; but for captains calm and
+      knowing,
+    Passage of our angry Channel were indeed a task of fear.
+  Well, you brought them safely through it, when not every man could do
+      it,
+    And your passengers, my Captain, are inspired with gratitude.
+  Therefore, _Mr. Punch_ thus thanks you, and right readily enranks you,
+    As a hero on the record of our briny island brood.
+  Verily the choice of "_Paris_" in this case proved right; and rare is
+    Fitness between name and nature such as that _you_ illustrate.
+  Captain SHARP! A proper _nomen_, and it proved a prosperous omen
+    To your passengers, whom _Punch_ must on their luck congratulate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON BOARD THE CHANNEL STEAMER "PARIS" (_Night of Saturday, January 25,
+1890_).--"SHARP'S the word!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOTHING LIKE A CHANGE!
+
+_Dr. Cockshure._ "MY GOOD SIR, WHAT _YOU_ WANT IS THOROUGH ALTERATION OF
+CLIMATE. THE ONLY THING TO CURE _YOU_ IS A LONG SEA VOYAGE!"
+
+_Patient._ "THAT'S RATHER INCONVENIENT. YOU SEE I'M ONLY JUST HOME FROM
+A SEA VOYAGE ROUND THE WORLD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+The title of the second chapter of _The Days of the Dandies_, in
+_Blackwood_, is calculated to excite curiosity,--it is, "Some Great
+Beauties, and some Social Celebrities." After reading the article, I
+think it would have been styled more correctly, "A Few Great Beauties."
+However, it is discursively amusing and interesting. There is much truth
+in the paper on Modern Mannish Maidens. I hold that no number of a
+Magazine is perfect without a tale of mystery and wonder, or a
+ghost-story of some sort. I hope I have not overlooked one of these in
+any Magazine for this month that I have seen. Last month there was a
+good one in _Macmillan_, and another in _Belgravia_. I forget their
+titles, unfortunately, and have mislaid the Magazines. But
+_After-thoughts_, in this month's _Macmillan_, is well worth perusal.
+
+[Illustration: ]
+
+My faithful "Co." has been looking through the works of reference. He
+complains that _Dod's Peerage, Baronetage, and Knighthood for 1890_ is
+carelessly edited. He notes, as a sample, that Sir HENRY LELAND
+HARRISON, who is said to have been born in 1857, is declared to have
+entered the Indian Civil Service in 1860, when he was only three years
+old--a manifest absurdity. As _Mr. Punch_ himself pointed out this
+_betise_ in _Dod's &c., &c., for 1889_, it should have been corrected in
+the new edition. "If this sort of thing continues," says the faithful
+"Co.," "_Dod_ will be known as _Dodder_, or even _Dodderer_!" Sir
+BERNARD BURKE'S _Genealogical and Heraldic Dictionary of the Peerage and
+Baronetage_ is, in every sense, a noble volume, and seems to have been
+compiled with the greatest care and accuracy. KELLY'S _Post Office
+Directory_, of course, is a necessity to every man of letters.
+_Whitaker's Almanack for 1890_ seems larger than usual, and better than
+ever. WEBSTER'S _Royal Red Book_, and GARDINER'S _Royal Blue Book_, it
+goes without saying, are both written by men of address. _The Century
+Atlas and Gazetteer_ is a book amongst a hundred. Finally, the _Era
+Almanack for 1890_, conducted by EDWARD LEDGER, is, as usual, full of
+information concerning things theatrical--some of it gay, some of it
+sad. "Replies to Questions by Actors and Actresses" is the liveliest
+contribution in the little volume. The Obituary contains the name of
+"EDWARD LITT LEMAN BLANCHARD," dramatist, novellist, and journalist, who
+died on the 4th of September, 1889. It is hard to realise the _Era
+Almanack_ without the excellent contributions of poor "E. L. B.!"
+
+"Co." furnishes some other notes in a livelier strain:--
+
+_Matthew Prior._ (KEGAN PAUL.) If you are asked to go out in this
+abominable weather, shelter yourself under the wing of Mr. AUSTIN
+DOBSON, and plead a prior engagement. (Ha! Ha!) You will find the
+engagement both prior and profitable. Mr. DOBSON'S introductory essay is
+not only exhaustive, but in the highest degree interesting, and his
+selection from the poems has been made with great taste and rare
+discretion.
+
+_In the Garden of Dreams._ The lack of poets of the softer sex has been
+recently a subject of remark. Lady-novelists we have in super-abundance,
+of lady-dramatists we have more than enough, of lady-journalists we have
+legions--but lady-poets we have but few. Possibly, they flourish more on
+the other side of the Atlantic. At any rate we have a good example of
+the American Muse in the latest volume by Mrs. LOUISE CHANDLER MOULTON.
+This little book is full of grace, its versification is melodious, and
+has the genuine poetic ring about it, which is as rare as it is
+acceptable. It can scarcely fail to find favour with English readers.
+
+  BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EPIDEMIOLOGICAL.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The Camel is reported to be greatly instrumental in the
+spread of cholera. This is evidently the Bacterian Camel, whose
+humps--or is it hump?--have long been such a terror to those who really
+don't care a bit how many humps an animal has.
+
+Yours faithfully, HUMPHRY CAMPBELL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To THOSE WHO GET THEIR LIVING BY DYEING.--"Sweet Auburn!" exclaimed a
+ruddy, aureate-haired lady of uncertain age,--anything, in fact, after
+fifty,--"'Sweet Auburn!'" she repeated, musingly, "What does 'Sweet
+Auburn' come from?" "Well," replied her husband, regarding her
+_coiffure_ with an air of uncertainty, "I'm not quite sure, but I think
+'Sweet Auburn' should be GRAY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.
+
+No. V.--BRUNETTE AND BLANCHIDINE.
+
+_A Melodramatic Didactic Vaudeville, suggested by "The Wooden Doll and
+the Wax Doll." By the Misses Jane and Ann Taylor._
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
+
+_Blanchidine_,} By the celebrated SISTERS STILTON, the Champion
+_Brunette_.   }      Duettists and Clog-dancers.
+
+
+_Fanny Furbelow._ By MISS SYLVIA SEALSKIN (_by kind permission of
+                      the Gaiety Management_).
+
+_Frank Manly._ By MR. HENRY NEVILLE.
+
+SCENE--_A Sunny Glade in Kensington Gardens, between the Serpentine
+and Round Pond_.
+
+_Enter_ BLANCHIDINE _and_ BRUNETTE, _with their arms thrown
+    affectionately around one another_. BLANCHIDINE _is carrying a large
+    and expressionless wooden doll_.
+
+            _Duet and Step-dance._
+
+  _Bl._ Oh, I do adore BRUNETTE! (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity,
+      tappity-tippity, tippity-tappity, tip-tap!
+
+  _Br_. BLANCHIDINE'S the sweetest pet! (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity, &c.
+
+_Together._ When the sun is high,
+            We come out to ply,
+            Nobody is nigh,
+            All is mirth and j'y!
+
+            With a pairosol,
+            We'll protect our doll,
+            Make a mossy bed
+            For her wooden head!
+
+    [_Combination step-dance, during which both watch their feet with an
+    air of detached and slightly amused interest, as if they belonged to
+    some other persons._
+
+    Clickity-clack, clickity-clack, clickity, clickity, clickity-clack;
+      clackity-clickity, clickity-clackity, clackity-clickity-_clack_!
+
+            [_Repeat ad. lib._
+
+  _Bl._ (_apologetically to Audience_). Her taste in dress is rather
+          plain! (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity, &c.
+
+  _Br._ (_in pitying aside_). It _is_ a pity she's so vain!
+                 (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity, &c.
+
+  _Bl._ 'Tis a shime to smoile,
+        But she's shocking stoyle,
+        It is quite a troyal,
+        Still--she mikes a foil!
+
+        _Br._ Often I've a job
+        To suppress a sob,
+        She is such a snob,
+        When she meets a nob!      [_Step-dance as before._
+
+    [_N.B.--In consideration of the well-known difficulty that most
+    popular variety-artists experience in the metrical delivery of
+    decasyllabic couplets, the lines which follow have been written as
+    they will most probably be spoken._
+
+  _Bl._ (_looking off with alarm_). Why, here comes FANNY FURBELOW, a
+    new frock from Paris in! She'll find me with BRUNETTE--it's too
+    embarrassing!
+
+                [_Aside._
+  _To Brunette._ BRUNETTE, my love, I know _such_ a pretty game we'll
+    play at--
+  Poor TIMBURINA'S ill, and the seaside she ought to stay at.
+  (The Serpentine's the seaside, let's pretend,)
+  And _you_ shall take her there--(_hypocritically_)--you're such a
+    friend!
+
+  _Br._ (_with simplicity_). Oh, yes, that _will_ be splendid,
+    BLANCHIDINE,
+  And then we can go and have a dip in a bathing-machine!
+
+            [BLAN. _resigns the wooden doll to_ BRUN., _who skips off
+             with it_, L., _as_ FANNY FURBELOW _enters_, R., _carrying a
+             magnificent wax doll_.
+
+  _Fanny_ (_languidly_). Ah, howdy do--_isn't_ this heat too frightful?
+  And so you're quite alone?
+
+  _Bl._ (_nervously_). Oh, _quite_--oh yes, I always am alone, when
+  there's nobody with me.
+
+            [_This is a little specimen of the Lady's humorous "gag," at
+              which she is justly considered a proficient._
+
+  _Fanny_ (_drawling_).        Delightful!
+  When I was wondering, only a little while ago,
+  If I should meet a creature that I know;
+  Allow me--my new doll, the LADY MINNIE!
+
+            _[Introducing doll._
+
+  _Bl._ (_rapturously_). Oh, what a perfect love!
+
+  _Fanny_.     She ought to be--for a guinea!
+  Here, you may nurse her for a little while.
+  Be careful, for her frock's the latest style.
+
+            [_Gives_ BLAN. _the wax doll_.
+
+  She's the best wax, and has three changes of clothing--
+  For those cheap wooden dolls I've quite a loathing.
+
+  _Bl._ (_hastily_). Oh, so have _I_--they're not to be endured!
+
+      _Re-enter_ BRUNETTE _with the wooden doll, which she tries to
+        press upon_ BLANCHIDINE, _much to the latter's confusion_.
+
+  _Br._ I've brought poor TIMBURINA back, completely cured!
+  Why, aren't you pleased? Your face is looking so cloudy!
+
+  _F._ (_haughtily_). Is she a friend of _yours_--this little dowdy?
+
+            [_Slow music._
+
+  _Bl._ (_after an internal struggle_). Oh, no, what an idea! Why, I
+  don't even know her by name! Some vulgar child ...
+
+            [_Lets the wax doll fall unregarded on the gravel._
+
+  _Br._ (_indignantly_). Oh, what a horrid shame!
+  I see _now_ why you sent us to the Serpentine!
+
+  _Bl._ (_heartlessly_). There's no occasion to flare up like turpentine.
+
+  _Br._ (_ungrammatically_). I'm _not_! Disown your doll, and thrust me,
+          too, aside,
+  The one thing left for both of us is--suicide!
+  Yes, TIMBURINA, us no more she cherishes--
+  _(Bitterly.)_ Well, the Round Pond a handy place to perish is!
+
+            [_Rushes off stage with wooden doll._
+
+  _Bl._ (_making a feeble attempt to follow_). Come back, BRUNETTE; don't
+      leave me thus, in charity!
+
+  _F._ (_with contempt_). Well, I'll be off--since you seem to prefer
+      vulgarity.
+
+  _Bl._ No, stay--but--ah, she said--what if she _meant_ it?
+
+  _F._ Not she! And, if she did, _we_ can't prevent it.
+
+  _Bl._ (_relieved_). That's true--we'll play, and think no more about
+  her.
+
+  _F._ (_sarcastically_). We may _just_ manage to get on without her!
+      So come--(_perceives doll lying face upwards on path_)--you odious
+        girl, what have you done?
+      Left LADY MINNIE lying in the blazing sun!
+      'Twas done on purpose--oh, you _thing_ perfidious!      [_Stamps._
+      You _knew_ she'd melt, and get completely hideous!
+      Don't answer _me_, Miss--I wish we'd never met.
+      You're only fit for persons like BRUNETTE!
+
+            [_Picks up doll, and exit in passion._
+
+      _Grand Sensation Descriptive Soliloquy, by_ BLANCHIDINE, _to
+      Melodramatic Music._
+
+  _Bl._ Gone! Ah, I am rightly punished! What would I not give now to
+  have homely little BRUNETTE, and dear old wooden-headed TIMBURINA back
+  again! _She_ wouldn't melt in the sun.... Where are they now? Great
+  Heavens! that threat--that rash resolve ... I remember all! 'Twas in
+  the direction of the Pond they vanished. (_Peeping anxiously between
+  trees._) Are they still in sight?... Yes, I see them! BRUNETTE has
+  reached the water's edge.... What is she purposing! Now she kneels on
+  the rough gravel; she is making TIMBURINA kneel too! How calm and
+  resolute they both appear! (_Shuddering._) I dare not look
+  further--but, ah, I must--_I must!_... Horror! I saw her boots flash
+  for an instant in the bright sunlight; and now the ripples have
+  closed, smiling over her little black stockings!... Help!--save her,
+  somebody!--help!... Joy! a gentleman has appeared on the scene--how
+  handsome, how brave he looks! He has taken in the situation at a
+  glance! With quiet composure he removes his coat--oh, _don't_ trouble
+  about folding it up!--and why, _why_ remove your gloves, when there is
+  not a moment to be lost? Now, with many injunctions, he entrusts his
+  watch to a bystander, who retires, overcome by emotion. And now--oh,
+  gallant, heroic soul!--now he is sending his toy terrier into the
+  seething water! (_Straining eagerly forward._) Ah, the dog paddles
+  bravely out--he has reached the spot ... oh, he has passed it!--he is
+  trying to catch a duck! Dog, dog, _is_ this a time for pursuing ducks?
+  At last he understands--he dives ... he brings up--agony! a small tin
+  cup! Again ... _this_ time, surely--what, only an old pot-hat!... Oh,
+  this dog is a fool! And still the Round Pond holds its dread secret!
+  Once more ... yes--no, yes, it _is_ TIMBURINA! Thank Heaven, she yet
+  breathes! But BRUNETTE? Can she have stuck in the mud at the bottom?
+  Ha, she, too, is rescued--saved--ha-ha-ha!--saved, saved, saved!
+
+            [_Swoons hysterically, amid deafening applause._
+
+    _Enter_ FRANK MANLY, _supporting_ BRUNETTE, _who carries_ TIMBURINA.
+
+  _Bl._ (_wildly_). What, do I see you safe, beloved BRUNETTE?
+
+  _Br._ Yes, thanks to his courage, I'm not even _wet_!
+
+  _Frank_ (_modestly_). Nay, spare your compliments. To rescue Beauty,
+  When in distress, is every hero's duty!
+
+  _Bl._ BRUNETTE, forgive--I'm cured of all my folly!
+
+  _Br._ (_heartily_). Of course I will, my dear, and so will dolly!
+
+            [_Grand Trio and Step-dance, with "tippity-tappity," and
+            "clickity-clack" refrain as finale._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE NEW GERMAN RIFLE."
+
+(A FANCY SKETCH OF ITS STARTLING APPEARANCE.)
+
+"The Regulations for the employment of the new German Infantry Rifle
+have just been published. With regard to the capabilities of the new
+rifle, the Regulations assert, that in this arm the German Infantry
+possesses a weapon standing fully abreast of the time with a range such
+as was heretofore held to be impossible of attainment."--_Standard, Jan.
+25._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+COMMEMORATION BIRTHDAY CONCERT.--The programme you are preparing, after
+the fashion set the other evening in St. James's Hall, at an
+entertainment organised in honour of the birthday of the poet BURNS, for
+the purpose of paying a similar tribute to the memory of his great
+fellow-countryman, Sir WALTER SCOTT, certainly promises well. As you
+very truly point out that, as at the Concert which you are taking as
+your model, though the name of BURNS was tacked on to nearly every item
+in the programme, as if he had been responsible for the words, music and
+all, it did not seem limited to the Poet's work alone, you might
+certainly allow yourself the latitude you propose in arranging your own
+scheme. The fact that, at the Burns Celebration, M. NACHEZ played his
+own Hungarian dances, the connection between which and the Poet's
+birthday is not, at first sight, entirely obvious, and that another
+gentleman, with equal appropriateness, favoured the company with "_The
+Death of Nelson_," on the trombone, seems certainly to give you a
+warrant for the introduction you contemplate making, in commemoration of
+Sir WALTER, of the Chinese Chopstick Mazurka, and the Woora-woora
+Cannibal Islanders side-knife and sledge-hammer war-dance. It may of
+course be possible, in a remote way, to introduce them, as you suggest,
+into _Old Mortality_, but we should think you would be nearer the mark
+with that other item of your programme, that associates _Jem Baggs_ with
+_The Lay of the Last Minstrel_. Your idea of accepting and utilising the
+offer of the GIRALFI family to introduce their Drawing-room
+Entertainment into your programme seems excellent, and has certainly as
+much in common with the Birthday of Sir WALTER SCOTT as the "_Death of
+Nelson_," on the trombone, has with that of the distinguished Novelist's
+great brother Poet. There is no reason, as you further point out, why
+you should not organise a whole Series of Commemorative Birthday
+Entertainments, as you think of doing, on the same plan, and with
+BEETHOVEN, MACAULAY, Dr. JOHNSON, and WARREN HASTINGS, the celebrities
+you mention, to begin upon, you ought to have no difficulty in working
+in the solo on the big drum, the performance of the Learned Hyaena, the
+Japanese Twenty-feet Bayonet-jump, and the other equally appropriate
+attractions with which you are already in communication. Anyhow, begin
+with Sir WALTER SCOTT, following the St. James's Hall lead, and let us
+hear how you get on.
+
+       * * *
+
+STRIKING WEDDING PRESENTS.--As you seem to think that a list of the
+presents made to your young friends who are about to be married will in
+all probability be published in some of the Society papers, "with the
+names of the donors," we think, on the whole, we would advise you _not_
+to give them, as you seem rather inclined to do, those three hundred
+weight of cheap sardines of which you became possessed through a seizure
+of your agents for arrears of rent. You might certainly present them
+with the disabled omnibus horse that came into your hands on the same
+occasion. Horses are sometimes given as wedding presents. There were
+four down in a list of gifts at a fashionable marriage only last week.
+But, of course, it would not suit your purpose to appear as the donor of
+a "damaged" creature. We think, perhaps, it would be wiser to accept the
+five pounds offered you through the veterinary surgeon you mention, and
+lay out the money, as you suggest, in sixteen hundred Japanese fans. If
+it falls through, and you find the horse still on your hands, there is
+no need to mention its association with the omnibus. "Mr. JOHN
+JOHNSON--a riding horse," doesn't read badly. We almost think this is
+better than the fans. Think it over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LUXURY OF PANTOMIME.
+
+One day last week, after a struggle for life, Her Majesty's Theatre was
+shut up, five hundred persons, so it was stated, lost employment, and
+the _Cinderella_ family, proud sisters and all, nay, even the gallant
+Prince himself, were turned adrift. Smiling, at the helm of the Drury
+Lane Ship, stands AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS, who sees, not unmoved, the wreck
+of "Her Majesty's Opposition," and murmurs to himself as _Jack and the
+Beanstalk_ continues its successful course, "This is, indeed, the
+survival of the fittest," and, charitably, DRURIOLANUS sends out a
+life-boat entitled "Benefit Performance" to the rescue of the
+shipwrecked crew. _Ave Caesar_!
+
+From this disaster there results a moral, "which, when found," it would
+be as well to "make a note of." It is this: as evidently London will
+not, or cannot, support two Pantomimes, several Circuses, and a Show
+like BARNUM'S, all through one winter, why try the experiment?
+especially when the _luxe_ of Pantomime, fostered by DRURIOLANUS, is so
+enormous, that any competitor must be forced into ruinous and even
+reckless extravagance, in order to enter into anything like rivalry with
+The Imperator who "holds the field" for Pantomime, just as he holds "The
+Garden" for Opera, against all comers.
+
+These rival establishments only do harm to one another, spoil the public
+by indulging their taste for magnificent spectacle, increasing in
+gorgeousness every year, until true Pantomime will be overlaid with
+jewelled armour, crushed under velvet and gold, and be lying helpless
+under the weight of its own gorgeosity. We should question whether the
+Olympian BARNUM has done much good for himself, seeing how gigantic the
+expenses must be; and certainly he can't have done good to the theatres.
+As to Shows, "The more the merrier" does not hold good. "The fewer the
+better" is nearer the mark in every sense, and perhaps the experience of
+this season may suggest even to DRURIOLANUS to give the public still
+more fun for their money (and there is plenty of genuine fun in _Jack
+and the Beanstalk_), with less show, in less time, and at consequently
+less expense to himself, and with, therefore, bigger profits. We shall
+see.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+    "Mr. GLADSTONE desires that ALL LETTERS, &c., should be addressed to
+    him at 10, St. James's Square, London."--_Standard, Jan. 25._
+
+Why should "all letters" be addressed to Mr. GLADSTONE? Isn't anybody
+else to have any? How about Valentine's Day? Will "_all letters_" be
+addressed to him then? If so--then the above Illustration conveys only a
+feeble idea of the result.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FELINE AMENITIES.
+
+_Fair Hostess_ (_to Mrs. Masham, who is looking her very best_).
+"HOWDYDO, DEAR? I HOPE YOU'RE NOT SO TIRED AS YOU _LOOK_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FINISHING TOUCH; OR, PREPARING FOR MR. SPEAKER'S
+PARTY.
+
+"THANK GOODNESS, HE'S READY AT LAST!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FINISHING TOUCH;
+
+OR, PREPARING FOR MR. SPEAKER'S PARTY.
+
+_Anxious Old (Legal) Nurses loquitur_:--
+
+  Ah! he's ready now, thanks be!
+  But a plaguier child than he
+  I am sure we Nusses three
+                      Never dressed.
+  But at last we have got through;
+  Well-curled hair, and sash of blue!
+  Yes, we rather think he'll do,
+                      Heaven be blessed!
+
+  Ah! the awful time it took!
+  Never mind; by hook or crook
+  We have togged him trimly. Look!
+                      There he stands!
+  His long wailings nearly hushed,
+  Buttoned, pinned, oiled, combed and brushed,
+  And his tight glove-fingers crushed
+                      On his hands.
+
+  Does us credit, don't you think?
+  How the chit would writhe and shrink,
+  Get his garments in a kink
+                      Every way!
+  Awful handful, hot and heady,
+  Shuffling round, ne'er standing steady,
+  Feared we'd never get him ready
+                      For the day.
+
+  Mr. SPEAKER'S Party,--yes!
+  Hope he'll be a great success;
+  His clean face and natty dress
+                        _Ought_ to please.
+  But there'll be no end of eyes
+  On his buttons, hooks, and ties;
+  Prompt to chaff and criticise,
+                      Tear and tease.
+
+  There'll be many an Irish boy
+  Who will find it his chief joy
+  To upset and to annoy
+                      The young Turk;
+  And, with no particular call,
+  Try to make him squeal and squall,
+  Disarrange him, after all
+                      Our hard work.
+
+  Not to mention other lads,
+  Regular rowdy little Rads,
+  Full of ill-conditioned fads,
+                      And mean spite;
+  Who will pinch and pull the hair
+  Of our charge who's standing there,
+  After all our patient care
+                      Right and tight.
+
+  For we know they don't like _us_,
+  And they're sure to scold and cuss
+  The tired three, and raise a fuss
+                      And a pother
+  About Hopeful here. Heigho!
+  But he's ready, dears, to go.
+  Ah! they little little know
+                      All our bother!
+
+  On our hands heaven knows how long
+  We have had him. 'Twould be wrong
+  To indulge in language strong;
+                      But how hearty
+  Is our joy that we have done!
+  There now, REPPY, off you run!
+  Only hope you'll have good fun
+                      At the Party!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO AN OLD FRIEND WITH A NEW WIG.
+
+Delighted to hear that our friend CHARLES HALL, A.D.C., Trin. Coll.
+Cam., and Q.C., is likely to be made a Judge. Where will he sit?
+Admiralty, Probate, and Divorce Court, where wreckage cases of ships and
+married lives are heard? Health to the Judge that shall be, with a song
+and chorus, if you please, Gentlemen, to the ancient air of "_Samuel
+Hall_," revived for this occasion only:--
+
+  His name it is CHARLES HALL,
+                    A.D.C. and Q.C.,
+  His name it is CHARLES HALL.
+  In cases great and small
+  He's shone out since his call,
+                    All agree.
+
+  In Court of Admiral_tee_
+                    Did he drudge, (_bis_)
+  In Court of Admiraltee,
+  'Bout lights and wrecks,--will he
+  Henceforth be less at sea
+                    As a Judge?
+
+_Chorus._
+
+(_To quite another tune, i.e., the refrain of_ GEORGE GROSSMITH'S _song,
+"How I became an Actor."_)
+
+  And each of his friends makes this remark,
+        (Retort he may with "Fudge!")
+  "Now wasn't I the first to say, you're sure
+        Some day to be a Judge!"
+
+It will be a touching spectacle, as, indeed, it always is to the
+reflective mind, to see the new Judge sitting among the wrecks, like
+"Marius among the Ruins." Fine subject for Sir FREDERICK, P.R.A., in the
+next Academy Exhibition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE (IN RESULT).
+
+"HULLO, JIM, WHATEVER MADE YOU COME OFF?"--"WHY, THE BRUTE
+BUCKED!"--"BUCKED! NONSENSE, MAN, SHE ONLY COUGHED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KICKED!
+
+(_By the Foot of Clara Groomley._)
+
+IN FOUR CHAPTERS.--III.
+
+Nothing done! The whole Detective force of London, having nothing better
+to do, were placed at my disposal, and, after three weeks' search, they
+found a girl called SMITH; but it was the wrong one. My darling is
+_blonde_, and this was a dark, almost a black, SMITH. I came back to
+Ryde in a passion and a third-class carriage. I find from Mademoiselle
+that Miss SMITH has not yet returned.
+
+[Illustration: ]
+
+JAMES seemed pleased to see me, but he noticed that in my anxiety and
+preoccupation I had forgotten to have my hat ironed. The hotel is quite
+full, and I am to sleep in the Haunted Room to-night.
+
+       * * *
+
+I am not a hysterical man, and this is not a neurotic story. It is, as a
+matter of fact, the same old rot to which the shilling shockers have
+made us accustomed. I cannot account in any way for my experiences last
+night in the Haunted Room, but they certainly were not due to
+nervousness. I had not been asleep long before I had a most curious and
+vivid dream. I felt that I was not in the hotel, and that at the same
+time I was not out of it. I had a curious sense of being everywhere in
+general, and nowhere in particular.
+
+I saw before me a gorgeously furnished room. On the tiger-skin rug
+before the fire was a basket with a crewel-worked chair-back spread over
+it. _What was in the basket?_ Again and again I asked myself that
+question. I felt like a long-division sum, and a cold shiver went down
+my quotient.
+
+In one corner of the room stood a man of about thirty, with a handsome,
+wicked face. One hand rested on the drawer of a writing-table. Slowly he
+drew from it a folded paper, and read, in a harsh, raucous voice:--
+
+"'To cleaning and repairing one----' No, that's not it."
+
+He selected another paper. Ah, it was the right one this time!
+
+"'Memorandum of Aunt JANE'S Will.' 'All property to go to ALICE SMITH,
+unless Aunt JANE'S poodle, _Tommy Atkins_, dies before ALICE SMITH comes
+of age. In which case, it all goes to me.' I remember making that note
+when the will was read. And now"--he glanced at the covered
+basket--"_Tommy_'s kicked the bucket. Well, he stood in my way. Who's to
+know? But there must be no _post-mortem_, no 'vet' fetched in. Happy
+thought--I'll have the brute stuffed." He knelt down by the side of the
+basket, and slowly drew back the covering. "Ah!" he said--"it's cruel
+work."
+
+Did he refer to the chair-back? or did he refer to the way in which, for
+the sake of gain, an honest dog had been MURDERED? For there before my
+eyes lay the dead poodle, _Tommy Atkins_!
+
+"ALICE loses all her money," he continued, "but that doesn't matter. She
+tells me that she's picked up no end of a swell down at Ryde, and he may
+marry her. The question is--will he?" Once more I felt like a division
+sum. I yearned to call out loudly, and answer with a decided negative;
+but no words came. My strength was gone. I was utterly worked out, and
+there was no remainder.
+
+When I came to myself, I found JAMES, the waiter, standing by my bedside
+with a gentleman whom I did not know. JAMES introduced him to me as a
+Mr. ALKALOID, a photographer who was stopping in the hotel. Mr. ALKALOID
+had been woken up by a wild shriek for a decided negative, and had
+rushed down to see if he could do a little business. "Take you by the
+electric light," he said; "just as you are,"--I was in my night-dress
+and the old, old hat, the rim of which had been slightly
+sprained,--"perfectly painless process, and money returned if not
+satisfactory." I thanked him warmly, and apologised for having disturbed
+him.
+
+I went to London on the following day. I felt it my positive duty to
+explain that I should always regard ALICE SMITH as a sister, but nothing
+more.
+
+I had quite forgotten that I did not know the house where ALICE SMITH
+lived, and the poodle dog lay dead.
+
+(_Here ends the Narrative of_ CYRIL MUSH.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SUMMONS TO DUTY.
+
+(_Design for a Parliamentary Cartoon, illustrating the Life of a Country
+Member._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EXCLUSIVE DEALING."
+
+_Irish Landlord_ (_boycotted_). "PAT, MY MAN, I'M IN NO END OF A HURRY.
+PUT THE PONY TO, AND DRIVE ME TO THE STATION, AND I'LL GIVE YE HALF A
+SOVEREIGN!"
+
+_Pat_ (_Nationalist, but needy_). "OCH SHURE, IT'S MORE THAN ME LOIFE IS
+WORTH TO BE SEEN DROIVING _YOU_, YER HONOUR. BUT"--(_slily_)--"IF YER
+HONOUR WOULD JIST DROIVE _ME_, MAYBE IT'S MESELF THAT MOIGHT VENTURE
+IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SWEET-MARJORIE!"
+
+[Illustration: Change for a Tenor. Wilfred of Huntington is succeeded by
+that Man of Mark--Tapley.]
+
+Take it all in all, _Marjorie_ at the Prince of Wales' is a very
+satisfactory production. The subject is English, the music is English,
+and the "book" is English too. So when we applaud the new Opera, we have
+the satisfaction of knowing that our cheers are given in the cause of
+native talent triumphant. This is appropriate to the "time" of the play
+(the commencement of the thirteenth century), which is the very epoch
+when the Saxons were beginning to hold their own in the teeth of their
+Norman conquerors. But leaving patriotism out of the question (a matter
+which, it is to be feared, is not likely to influence Stalls, Pit, and
+Gallery materially for a very lengthened period), the Opera _qua_ Opera
+is a very good one. The company is strong--so strong, that it hears the
+loss of an accomplished songstress like Miss HUNTINGTON without severely
+suffering. It is true that an excellent substitute for the lady has been
+found in that tenor with the cheerful name, Mr. MARK TAPLEY, whose notes
+are certainly worth their weight in gold; but leaving the
+representatives of _Wilfred_ "outside the competition," the remainder of
+the _Dramatis Personae_ are excellent. They work well together, and
+consequently the _ensemble_ is in the highest degree pleasing.
+
+Assistance of rather a graver character than usually associated with
+comic opera is naturally afforded by Mr. HAYDYN COFFIN. Miss PHYLLIS
+BROUGHTON is introduced not only to sing but to dance, and performs the
+latter accomplishment with a grace not to be surpassed, and only to be
+equalled by Miss KATE VAUGHAN. Mr. ASHLEY, now happily returned to the
+melodious paths from which he strayed to play in pieces of the calibre
+of _Pink Dominoes_, seems quite at home in the character of _Sir
+Simon_--not "the Cellarer," but rather, "the sold one." Mr. MONKHOUSE,
+whose name and personality go to prove that a cowl does not preclude its
+occasional occupation by a wag, is most amusing as _Gosric_. Mr. ALBERT
+JAMES is a lively jester, whose quips and cranks might have been of
+considerable value to Mr. JOSEPH MILLER when that literary droll was
+engaged in compiling his comic classic. Miss D'ARVILLE and Madame AMADI
+both work with a will, and find a way to public favour. The dresses are
+in excellent taste, and the scenery capital.
+
+That the _mise en scene_ is perfect, goes without saying, as this Opera
+has been produced by that past master of stage-direction, the one and
+only AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS. The dialogue is sufficiently pointed--not too
+pointed, but pointed enough. It does not require a knowledge of the
+niceties of the law, the regulations of the British army, or a keen
+appreciation of the subtlest subtleties of logic to fully understand it.
+It is amusing, and provocative of innocent laughter, which, after all,
+seems to be a sufficient recommendation for words spoken within the
+walls of a play-house. The music is full of melody--"quite killing," as
+a young lady wittily observed, on noticing that the name of the Composer
+was SLAUGHTER. So _Marjorie_ may be fairly said not only to have
+deserved success, but (it is satisfactory to be able to add) also to
+have attained it.
+
+  ONE WHO HAS PRACTISED AT THE MUSICAL BAR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STATESMEN AT HOME.
+
+DCXLIII. THE RIGHT HON. W. E. GLADSTONE, M.P., AT HAWARDEN.
+
+[Illustration: ]
+
+As you approach the historic home of the great English Statesman who is
+to be your host to-day, you become conscious of the fact that there are
+two Hawarden Castles. Moreover, as young HERBERT pleasantly remarks a
+little later in the day, "You must draw a Hawarden-fast line between the
+two." One, standing on a hill dominating a far-reaching tract of level
+country, was already so old in the time of EDWARD THE FIRST that it was
+found necessary to rebuild it. Looking through your Domesday Book (which
+you always carry with you on these excursions), you find the mansion
+referred to under the style of Haordine. This, antiquarians assume, is
+the Saxonised form of the earlier British _Y Garthddin_, which, being
+translated, means "The hill-fort on the projecting ridge."
+
+When WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR came over, bringing with him a following the
+numerical proportions of which increase as the years roll by, he found
+the Fort on the Hill held by EDWARD of Mercia, and deemed it convenient
+to leave it in his possession. The Castle played its part in English
+history down to the time, now 130 years gone by, when it came into the
+hands of Sir JOHN GLYNN, and thence through long descent became an
+inheritance of the gracious lady who, with cambric cap-strings streaming
+in the free air of the Marches, joins your host in welcoming you.
+
+It is, however, not on the steps of the old castle of which Prince
+LLEWELLYN was once lord that you are thus received. By the side of the
+old ruin has grown up another Hawarden Castle, a roomy mansion,
+statelily stuccoed, with sham turrets run up, buttresses, embrasures,
+portholes, and portcullises, putting to shame the rugged, looped and
+windowless ruin that still stands on the projecting ridge. This dates
+only from the beginning of the century, and, looking upon it, your face
+glows with honest pride, as you think how much better the generation
+near your own made for itself dwelling-houses compared with the earlier
+English.
+
+Whilst you stand musing on these things you are conscious of a whishing
+sound, and a breath of swiftly moving cool air wantonly strikes your
+cheek. You look up and behold! there is your host, axe in hand,
+playfully performing a number of passes over your unconscious head. His
+dress is designed admirably to suit the exercise. Coat and waistcoat are
+doffed; the immortal collars are turned down, displaying the columnar
+throat and the brawny chest; the snow-white shirt-sleeves are turned up
+to the elbow, disclosing biceps that SAMSON would envy and SANDOW covet.
+His braces are looped on either side of his supple hips, and his right
+hand grasps the axe which, a moment ago had been performing over your
+head a series of evolutions which, remarkable for the strength and
+agility displayed, were, perhaps, scarcely desirable for daily
+repetition.
+
+"Don't be frightened, TOBY M.P.," said the full rich voice so familiar
+in the House of Commons; "it's our wild woodsman's way of welcoming the
+coming guest. What do you think of my costume? Seen it before? Ah!
+_yes_, the photographs. _Carte de visite style_, _10s. 6d._ a dozen;
+Cabinet size, a guinea. I have been photographed several times as you
+will observe."
+
+And, indeed, as your host leads you along the stately passages, through
+the storied rooms, you find his photograph everywhere. The tables are
+covered with them, showing your host in all attitudes and costumes.
+"Yes," he says, with a sigh, "I think I have marched up to the camera's
+mouth as often as most men of my years."
+
+Ascending the rustic staircase which leads from the garden, WILLIAM
+EWART GLADSTONE takes you past the library into the drawing-room, in the
+upper parts of the leaded windows of which are inserted panels of rare
+old glass, cunningly obtained by melting superfluous Welsh ale bottles.
+He leads you to a table, as round as that at which a famous Conference
+was held, and points to a little ivory painting. It shows a chubby
+little boy some two years of age, with rather large head and broad
+shoulders, sitting at the knee of a young nymph approaching her fifth
+year. On her knee is a book, and the chubby boy, with dark hair falling
+low over his forehead, his great brown eyes staring frankly at you,
+points with his finger to a passage. When you learn that this is a
+portrait of your host and his sister taken in the year 1811, you
+naturally come to the conclusion that the young lady has, for party
+purposes, been misquoting some passages in her brother's speech, and
+that he, having produced an authorised record of his address, is
+triumphantly pointing to the text in controversion of her statement.
+
+Your host, chopping grimly at the furniture as he passes along--here
+dexterously severing the leg of a Chippendale chair, and there hacking a
+piece off a Louis Quatorze couch--leads the way to an annexe he has just
+built for the reception of his treasured books. From the outside this
+excrescence on the Castle has but a poverty-stricken look. It is, to
+tell the truth, made of corrugated iron. But that is a cloak that
+cunningly covers an interior of rare beauty and rich design. Arras of
+cloth of gold hangs loosely on the walls, whilst here and there, on the
+far-reaching floor, gleams the low light of a faded Turkey carpet. Open
+tables, covered with broad cloths of crimson velvet, embroidered and
+fringed with gold, carry innumerable Blue Books. On marble tables,
+supported on carved and gilded frames, stand priceless vases, filled
+with rare flowers. In crystal flagons you detect the sheen of amber
+light (which may be sherry wine), whilst the ear is lulled with the
+sound of fountains dispensing perfumes as of Araby. In an alcove,
+chastely draped with violent violet velvet, the grey apes swing, and the
+peacocks preen, on fretted pillar and jewelled screen. Horologes, to
+chime the hours, and even the quarters, uprise from tables of
+ebony-and-mother-of-pearl. Cabinets from Ind and Venice, of filligree
+gold and silver, enclose complete sets of _Hansard's Parliamentary
+Debates_; whilst lamps of silver, suspended from pendant pinnacles in
+the fretted ceiling, shed a soft light over the varied mass of colour.
+
+Casting himself down lightly by a cabinet worked with Dutch beads
+interspersed with seed-pearls, and toying with the gnarled handle of the
+axe, the Right Hon. WILLIAM EWART GLADSTONE tells you the story of his
+life. At the outset you are a little puzzled to gather where exactly he
+was born. At first you think it was in Scotland. Anon some town in
+England claims the honour. Then Wales is incidentally mentioned, and
+next the tearful voice of Erin claims her son. But, as the story goes
+forward with long majestic stride, these difficulties fade in the
+glamour of the Old Man's eloquence, and when you awake and find your
+host has not yet got beyond the second course--the fish, as it were, of
+the intellectual banquet--you say you will call again.
+
+Mention of the three courses naturally suggests dinner, and as you
+evidently enjoy the monopoly of the mental association, you take your
+leave, perhaps regretting that among his wild woodsman accessories your
+host does not seem to include the midday chop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOLD-TIPPED cigarettes seem just now to be "the swagger thing." "Ah!"
+Master TOMMY sighed, as he set off for school with only five shillings
+in his pocket, in consequence of all his dearest--and nearest--relatives
+being laid up with the prevailing epidemic, "Ah, how I should like to be
+one of those cigarettes, and then I should be tipped with gold."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
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+    case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
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+    exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+98, FEBRUARY 8, 1890***
+
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