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diff --git a/30018-0.txt b/30018-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fb2bb7b --- /dev/null +++ b/30018-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1217 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30018 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. XCVIII. + + +FEBRUARY 22, 1890. + + + + +[Illustration: THE SCIENTIFIC VOLUNTEER.] + + "If ever I have to choose.... I shall, without hesitation, + shoulder my rifle with the Orangeman."--_See Professor Tyndall's + Reply to Sir W. V. Harcourt._ "_Times_," Feb. 13, 1890. + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON EQUALITY. + + DEAR CHARLIE,--Bin down as a dab with that dashed heppydemick, dear boy. + I 'ave bloomin' nigh sneezed my poor head orf. You know that there specie + of toy + Wot they call cup-and-ball! That's _me_, CHARLIE! My back seemed to open + and shut, + As the _grippe_-demon danced on my innards, and played pitch-and-toss + with my nut. + + Hinfluenza be blowed! It licks hague and cholera rolled into one. + The Sawbones have give it that name, I'm aware, but of course that's + their fun. + I've 'ad colds in the head by the hunderd, but _this_ weren't no cold, + leastways _mine_. + Howsomever, I'm jest coming round a bit, thanks to warm slops and QyNine. + + Took to reading, I did as I mended; that's mostly a practice with me. + When I'm down on my back that's the time for a turn at my dear old + _D. T._ + A party named ROBERT BUCHANAN, as always appears on the job, + Was a slating a chappie called HUXLEY. Thinks I, I'll take stock of + friend BOB. + + Well, _he_ ain't much account, that's a moral; a ramblinger Rad never + wos. + Old HUXLEY's wuth ten on him, CHARLIE, though _he's_ rather huppish and + poz. + Are men really born free and equal? Ah! that's wot they're harguing hout. + BOB B., he says "Yus;" HUXLEY, "No;" and BOB'S wrong, there's no manner + of doubt. + + "Free and equal?" Oh, NEBUCHADNEZZAR! how _can_ they talk sech tommy-rot? + Might as well say as Fiz and Four-Arf should be equally fourpence a pot. + Nice hidea, but _taint so_, that's the wust on it. There's where these + dreamers go wrong. + Ought's nothink, and that as is, _is_; all the rest isn't wuth a old + Song. + + Bad as BUGGINS, the Radical Cobbler, these mugs are. Sez BUGGINS, sez he, + Wos it Nature give Mudford his millions, and three bob a day to poor me? + Not a bit on it. Nature's a mother, and meant all her gifts _for_ us all. + It's a Law as gives Mudford his Castle, and leaves me a poor Cobbler's + Stall. + + All I've got to say, CHARLIE, is this. If so be Nature meant all that + there, + She must be a fair "J." as a mater. _I've_ bin bested out of _my_ share. + So has BUGGINS, and nine out o' ten on us. _If_ the few nobble the quids + Spite of Nature, wy Nature's a noodle as cannot purtect her own kids. + + Poor BUGGINS! He's nuts upon HENERY GEORGE, WILLIAM MORRIS, and such. + He's got a white face, and is humpy, and lives in a sort of a hutch + Smellin' strong of wax-end and stale dubbin. _Him_ born free and equal? + Great Scott! + 'Bout as free as a trained flea in harness, or sueties piled in a pot. + + Nature's nothink, dear boy, simply nothink, and natural right don't + exist, + Unless it means natural flyness, or natural power of fist. + It's brains and big biceps, wot wins. _Is_ men equal in muscle and pith? + Arsk BISMARCK and DERBY, dear boy, or arsk JACKSON the Black and JEM + SMITH. + + There'd be precious few larks if they wos, CHARLIE--where'd be the chance + of a spree + If every pious old pump or young mug was the equal of Me? + It's the up-and-down bizness of life, mate, as makes it such fun--for the + ups. + Equal? Yus, as old BARNUM and BUGGINS, or tigers and tarrier pups. + + He's a long-winded lot, is BUCHANAN, slops over tremenjous, he do; + Kinder poet, dear boy, I believe, and they always do flop round a few, + Make a rare lot o' splash and no progress, like ducks in a tub, dontcher + know, + But cackle and splutter ain't swimming; so ROBERT, my nabs, it's no go. + + Men ain't equal a mite, that's a moral, and patter won't level 'em up. + Wy yer might as well talk of a popgun a holding its own with a Krupp. + 'Ow the brains and the ochre got fust ladled hout is a bit beyond me, + But to fancy as them as _has_ got 'em will part is dashed fiddle-de-dee. + + Normans nicked? Landlords copped? Lawyers fiddled? Quite likely; I dessay + they did. + Are they going to hand back the swag arter years? Not a hacre or quid! + Finding's keeping, and 'olding means 'aving. I wish _I_'d a spanking + estate + Wot my hancestors nailed on the ready. They wouldn't wipe me orf the + slate. + + No fear, CHARLIE, my boy! I'd hang on by my eyelids; and so will the + nobs, + Despite Mounseer Roosso's palaver or rattletrap rubbish like BOB'S. + As HUXLEY sez, Robbery's whitewashed by centries of toffdom, dear boy. + Poor pilgarlicks whose forbears wos honest rich perks earn't expect to + enjoy. + + Life's a great game of grab, fur's _I_ see, CHARLIE. Robbery? Well, + _call_ it that. + If you only lay hands on your own, mate, you won't git remarkable fat. + There isn't enough to go round and yet give a fair dollop to each, + It's a fight for front place, and he's lucky who gets the first bite at + the peach. + + _High priori_ hideas about Justice, as HUXLEY declares, is all rot. + Fancy tigers dividing a carcase, and portioning each his fair lot! + "Aren't men better than tigers?" cries BUGGINS. Well, yus, there's + religion and law; + Pooty fakes! But when _sharing's_ the word they ain't in it with sheer + tooth and claw. + + Orful nice to see Science confirming wot _I_ always held. Blow me tight, + If I don't rayther cotton to HUXLEY; he's racy, old pal, and he's right. + The skim-milk of life's for the many, the lardy few lap up the cream, + And all talk about trimming the balance is rubbish, a mere Roosso's + Dream! + + Philanterpy's all very nice as a plaything for soft-'arted toffs, + Kep in bounds it don't do no great 'arm. Poor old BUGGINS, he flushes + and coughs; + Gets hangry, he do, at my talk. I sez, keep on your hair, my good bloke, + Hindignation ain't good for your chest; cut this Sosherlist cant, or + _you'll_ choke. + + Philanterpy squared in a system would play up Old Nick with the Great, + As 'cute Bishop MAGEE sez Religion would do--_carried out_--with the + State. + Oh, when Science and Saintship shake hands, in a sperret of sound common + sense, + To chuck over the cant of the Pulpit, by Jingo, old pal, it's Himmense! + + All cop and no blue ain't _my_ motter; I likes to stand treat to a chum; + And if I wos flush of the ochre, I tell yer I'd make the thing hum. + And there's lots o' the rich is good parters; bit here and bit there, + dontcher know; + But shake up the Bag and share round, like good pals a pot-lucking? + Oh no! + + Wot these jokers call Justice means knocking all 'andicap out of life's + race; + "Equal chances all round," they declare, wouldn't give equal power and + pace! + Wy, no; but if things weren't made nice for the few with the power and + the tin, + The 'andicapped many would be in the 'unt, and some on 'em might _win_. + + Pooty nice state o' things for the perkers! Luck, Law, and the Longheads, + dear boy, + Have arranged the world so that the many must work that the few may + enjoy. + These "Equality" jossers would spile it; if arf their reforms they can + carry, + The enjoyers will 'ave a rough time, and there won't be a look in for + 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +LE PETIT DUC. + +[Illustration: _Audience._ "BRAVO, MONSEIGNEUR!"] + + "BRAVO Monseigneur!" Quite a natural cry, + For he looks picturesque, and appears to be plucky, + The Roscius _rôle_ the young actor would try; + His _début_ "gets a hand," which is certainly lucky. + These Infant Phenomena frequently fail + To rouse anything more than good-natured derision; + But clappings and cheers this boy histrion hail. + What then is his Vision? + + "The thoughts of youth, they are long, long thoughts;" + Exceedingly true, most mellifluous LONGFELLOW! + But later come crosses, oft leading to noughts, + And "_l'homme nécessaire_" often finds he's the wrong fellow. + How many _débuts_ have occurred on the Stage + With various set scenes, and with properties varied? + Sensationalism, the vice of the age, + To extremes has been carried. + + A good situation all actors desire, + All playrights approve, and all managers glory in. + He has struck out his own with decision and fire. + What part will he play a more serious story in? + Who knows? For the moment the cue is applause. + "_Vive_, ROSCIUS!" It may mean mere _claque_, empty chatter. + And whether the youngster will further the Cause + Is a different matter. + + _A coup de théâtre_ is not everything, + As well he's aware, that tragedian troubled + Who is gliding so gloomily off at the wing. + Hope's cup at his lips lately brimmingly bubbled, + Now "foiled by a novice, eclipsed by a boy!" + Is the thought in his mind. The reflection is bitter-- + Theatrical taste often craves a fresh toy, + And is captured by glitter. + + What thinks Madame France of the attitude struck + By this confident slip of good stock histrionic? + Though dames swear their dear _Petit Duc_ is a duck, + The smile of old stagers is somewhat ironic. + But "Bravas!" resound. A lad's "resolute will," + The "wisdom of twenty years," stir admiration, + The political _Café Chantant_ pluck will thrill + In a stage-loving nation. + + * * * * * + +ROYAL BERKSHIRE.--Go to DOWDESWELL'S, in Bond Street, and they will +show you how County-history is written in the present day. It is +altogether different to the dull, old, dry volumes, "the musty +histories," which our grandfathers exhibited on their shelves, but +never took down to read; and these County-historians are of a much +more entertaining character. Those who know Royal Berkshire well--as +most of us do--will be glad to have their memory refreshed by the +fresh, bright, breezy pictures by YEEND KING, JOHN M. BROMLEY, and J. +M. MACKINTOSH. KEELEY HALSWELLE'S superb painting of "_Royal Windsor_" +occupies the place of honour in the room. It is one of the best +pictures--and at the same time one of the most unconventional--ever +produced of this oft-painted subject. + + * * * * * + +THE ROOT OF THE MATTER. + +(_The Typical Woman's Reply to the Arguments of the Rational Dress +Society._) + + My dear LENNOX BROWNE, and my good Dr. SMITH, + There is probably truth, there is certainly pith, + In your Kensington talk about Rational Dress. + Dr. GARSON and Miss LEFFLER-ARNIM also, + Talk sound common sense, but they'll find it no go; + The Crusade they have started _can't_ meet with success. + + No, sage Viscountess HARBERTON, sweet Mrs. STOPES, + You had better not nourish ridiculous hopes + About "rationalising" our frocks and our shoes. + There is just one invincible thing, and that's Fashion! + That object of every true woman's chief passion, + 'Tis vain to attack, and absurd to abuse. + + You may say what you please about feminine "togs," + That they're ugly, unhealthy, are burdens or clogs, + Too high, or too low, or too loose, or too tight, + There is just one reply (but 'tis more than enough) + To such "rational," but most irrelevant stuff:-- + _If not in the Fashion, a Woman's a Fright!!!_ + + * * * * * + +FROM THE ZOO.--The Tapir, the _Daily Telegraph_ stated in one of the +paragraphs of its useful and amusing diary of "London Day by +Day,"--"The Tapir," at the Zoological Gardens, is a specimen of a +species now "verging on the brink of extinction. He was an old Tory; +the world changes, but change he would not." He should be known as the +"Red Tape-ir." + + *** + +THE SEAS-ON.--Mr. J. L. TOOLE, until he reaches Australia. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WOMAN'S REASON.] + +_Cousin Jack._ "Then why did you Marry him, Effie?" + +_Effie._ "Oh, well--I wanted to see the Paris Exhibition, you know!" + + * * * * * + +SHOOTING ARROWS AT A SONG. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I observe, that a gentleman has written, in a book +called _In Tennyson Land_, an account of the exact localities of "the +Moated Grange," and other well-advertised places--statements, which +however, have been promptly challenged by the Poet's son in the +_Athenæum_. As there seems to be some doubt upon this subject, +perhaps, you will allow me to give a few notes anent the interesting +objects which Lord TENNYSON has so obligingly immortalised in song. + +_The Owl._--The name of a bright little newspaper which, amongst other +items of news and flashes of humour, gave a list of proposed +marriages--hence, no doubt, the refrain of "To wit and to woo." It +owed its temporary success both to its fun and its matrimonial +intelligence. + +_The Dying Swan._--Probably, suggested by the condition of one of +these interesting creatures on the Thames, whose plumage had changed +from white to blue, owing to the River being made the temporary +repository for the outcome of some chemical works. + +_Oriana._--This name, there is every reason to believe, was suggested +by a character in the opening of a pantomime at one of the minor +theatres, very popular some twenty or thirty years ago. + +_The Miller's Daughter._--A very touching reference to the domestic +life of a hero of the Prize Ring. + +_Lady Clara Vere de Vere._--Tradition has it that this aristocratic +sounding title was originally intended for a new sort of velveteen, +that would have been sold at a profit at three-and-sixpence a yard, +double width. + +_The May Queen._--Believed to have been changed at the last moment +from "The Jack-in-the-Green," a subject that had already been used by +a poet of smaller fame than ALFRED TENNYSON. + +_The Lotos Eaters._--No doubt adapted from the English translation to +a German picture of some children playing at a once well-known game +called "The Loto Seaters." + +_The Northern Cobbler._--Suggested by a favourite coal, supplied to +this day from Newcastle. + +_The Moated Grange._--The site of the original still exists at +Haverstock Hill, and was fifty years ago more remote than it is now. +Hence the title of one of the most pleasing little poems of +comparatively modern times. + +Trusting that these hints may be of service to those who take an +interest in Lord TENNYSON'S very entertaining works, I remain, my dear +_Mr. Punch_, yours sincerely, + A SCOTCH COUSIN (THRICE REMOVED AGAINST HIS WILL) OF + _Brain Cobwebby, Hatchley Colwell._ BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. VII.--RECLAIMED! + +_Or, How Little Elfie taught her Grandmother._ + + CHARACTERS. + + _Lady Belledame_ (_a Dowager of the deepest dye_). + _Monkshood_ (_her Steward, and confidential Minion_). + _Little Elfie_ (_an Angel Child_). This part has been specially + constructed for that celebrated Infant Actress, Banjoist, and + Variety Comédienne, Miss BIRDIE CALLOWCHICK. + + SCENE--_The Panelled Room at Nightshade Hall._ + +[Illustration] + +_Lady Belledame_ (_discovered preparing parcels_). Old and +unloved!--yes, the longer I live, the more plainly do I perceive that +I am _not_ a popular old woman. Have I not acquired the reputation in +the county of being a witch? My neighbour, Sir VEVEY LONG, asked me +publicly only the other day "when I would like my broom ordered," and +that minx, Lady VIOLET POWDRAY, has pointedly mentioned old +cats in my hearing! PERGAMENT, my family lawyer, has +declined to act for me any longer, merely because MONKSHOOD +rack-rented some of the tenants a little too energetically in the +Torture Chamber--as if in these hard times one was not justified in +putting the screw on! Then the villagers scowl when I pass; the very +children shrink from me--[_A childish voice outside window_: "Yah, 'oo +sold 'erself to Old Bogie for a pound o' tea an' a set o' noo +teeth?"]--that is, when they do not insult me by suggestions of +bargains that are not even businesslike! No matter--I will be avenged +upon them all--ay, all! 'Tis Christmas-time--the season at which +sentimental fools exchange gifts and good wishes. For once I, too, +will distribute a few seasonable presents.... (_Inspecting parcels._) +Are my arrangements complete? The bundle of choice cigars, in each of +which a charge of nitro-glycerine has been dexterously inserted? The +lip-salve, made up from my own prescription with corrosive sublimate +by a venal chemist in the vicinity? The art flower-pot, containing a +fine specimen of the Upas plant, swathed in impermeable sacking? The +sweets compounded with sugar of lead? The packet of best ratsbane? +Yes, nothing has been omitted. Now to summon my faithful MONKSHOOD.... +Ha! he is already at hand. + + [_Chord as_ MONKSHOOD _enters_. + +_Monkshood._ Your Ladyship, a child, whose sole luggage is a small +bandbox and a large banjo, is without, and requests the favour of a +personal interview. + +_Lady B._ (_reproachfully_). And you, who have been with me all these +years, and know my ways, omitted to let loose the bloodhounds? You +grow careless, MONKSHOOD! + +_Monks._ (_wounded_). Your Ladyship is unjust--I _did_ unloose the +bloodhounds; but the ferocious animals merely sat up and begged. The +child had took the precaution to provide herself with a bun! + +_Lady B._ No matter, she must be removed--I care not how. + +_Monks._ There may be room for one more--a little one--in the old +well. The child mentioned that she was your Ladyship's granddaughter, +but I presume that will make no difference? + +_Lady B._ (_disquieted_). What!--then she must be the child of my only +son POLDOODLE, whom, for refusing to cut off the entail, I had falsely +accused of adulterating milk, and transported beyond the seas! She +comes hither to denounce and reproach me! MONKSHOOD, she must not +leave this place alive--you hear? + +_Monks._ I require no second bidding--ha, the child ... she comes! + + [_Chord._ _Little_ ELFIE _trips in with touching self-confidence._ + +_Elfie_ (_in a charming little Cockney accent_). Yes, Grandma, it's +me--little ELFIE, come all the way from Australia to see you, because +I thought you must be sow lownly all by yourself! My Papa often told +me what a long score he owed you, and how he hoped to pay you off if +he lived. But he went out to business one day--Pa was a bushranger, +you know, and worked--oh, _so_ hard; and never came back to his little +ELFIE, so poor little ELFIE has come to live with you! + +_Monks._ Will you have the child removed now, my Lady? + +_Lady B._ (_undecidedly_). Not now--not yet; I have other work for +you. These Christmas gifts, to be distributed amongst my good friends +and neighbours (_handing parcels_). First, this bundle of cigars to +Sir VEVEY LONG, with my best wishes that such a connoisseur in tobacco +may find them sufficiently strong. The salve for Lady VIOLET POWDRAY, +with my love, and it should be rubbed on the last thing at night. The +plant you will take to the little PERGAMENTS--'twill serve them for a +Christmas tree. This packet to be diluted in a barrel of beer, which +you will see broached upon the village green; these sweetmeats for +distribution among the most deserving of the school-children. + +_Elfie_ (_throwing her arms around_ Lady B.'s _neck_). I _do_ like +you, Grandma; you have such a kind face! And oh, what pains you must +have taken to find something that will do for everybody! + +_Lady B._ (_disengaging herself peevishly_). Yes, yes, child. I trust +that what I have chosen will indeed do for everybody,--but I do not +like to be messed about. MONKSHOOD, you know what you have to do. + +_Elfie._ Oh, I am sure he does, Grandma! See how benevolently he +smiles. You're such a good old man, you will take care that all the +poor people are fed, _won't_ you? + +_Monks._ (_with a sinister smile_). Ah! Missie, I've 'elped to settle +a many people's 'ash in my time! + +_Elfie_ (_innocently_). What, do they all get hash? How nice! I like +hash,--but what else do you give them? + +_Monks._ (_grimly_). Gruel, Missie. (_Aside._) I must get out of this, +or this innocent child's prattle will unman me! + + [_Exit with parcels._ + +_Elfie._ You seem so sad and troubled, Grandma. Let me sing you one of +the songs with which I drew a smile from poor dear Pa in happier days. + +_Lady B._ No, no, some other time. (_Aside._) Pshaw! why should I +dread the effect of her simple melodies? Sing, child, if you will. + +_Elfie._ How glad I am that I brought my banjo! [_Sings._ + Dar is a lubly yaller gal that tickles me to deff; + She'll dance de room ob darkies down, and take away deir breff. + When she sits down to supper, ebery coloured gemple-man, + As she gets her upper lip o'er a plate o' "possum dip," cries, + "Woa, LUCINDY ANN!" (Chorus, dear Granny!) + Woa, LUCINDY! Woa, LUCINDY! Woa, LUCINDY ANN! + At de rate dat you are stuffin, you will nebber leave us nuffin; so woa, + Miss SINDY ANN! + +_To Lady B._ (_who, after joining in chorus with deep emotion, has +burst into tears_). Why, you are _weeping_, dear Grandmother! + +_Lady B._ Nay, 'tis nothing, child--but have you no songs which are +less sad? + +_Elfie._ Oh, yes, I know plenty of plantation ditties more cheerful +than that. (_Sings._) + + Oh, I hear a gentle whisper from de days ob long ago, + When I used to be a happy darkie slave. (_Trump-a-trump._) + But now I'se got to labour wif de shovel an' de hoe-- + For ole Massa lies a sleepin' in his grave! (_Trump-trump._) + + _Chorus._ + + Poor ole Massa! Poor ole Massa! (_Pianissimo._) Poor ole Massa, dat I + nebber more shall see! + He was let off by de Jury, Way down in ole Missouri--But dey lynched him + on a persimmon tree. + +_Elfie._ You smile at last, dear Grandma! I would sing to you again, +but I am so very, very sleepy! + +_Lady B._ Poor child, you have had a long journey. Rest awhile on this +couch, and I will arrange this screen so as to protect your slumbers. +[_Leads little_ ELFIE _to couch._ + +_Elfie_ (_sleepily_). Thanks, dear Grandma, thanks.... Now I shall go +to sleep, and dream of you, and the dogs, and angels. I so often dream +about angels--but that is generally after supper, and to-night I have +had no supper.... But never mind.... Good night, Grannie, good night +... goo'ni' ... goo ... goo! [_She sinks softly to sleep._ + +_Lady B._ And I was about to set the bloodhounds upon this little +sunbeam! 'Tis long since these grim walls have echoed strains so sweet +as hers. (_Croons._) "Woa, LUCINDY," &c. "Dey tried him by a jury, way +down in ole Missouri, an' dey hung him to a possum-dip tree!" (_Goes +to couch, and gazes on the little sleeper._) How peacefully she +slumbers! What a change has come over me in one short hour!--my +withered heart is sending up green shoots of tenderness, of love, and +hope! Let me try henceforth to be worthy of this dear child's +affection and respect. (_Turns, and sees_ MONKSHOOD.) Ha, MONKSHOOD! +Then there is time yet! Those parcels ... quick, quick!--the +parcels!---- + +_Monks._ (_impassively_). Have been left as you instructed, my Lady. + +[_Chord_: Lady B. _staggers lack, gasping, into chair. Little_ ELFIE +_awakes behind screen, and rubs her eyes._ + +[N.B.--The reformation of a Grandmother being necessarily a process of +some length, the conclusion of this touching little Drama is +unavoidably deferred to a future number.] + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer._) + +No. I.--THE DULL ROYSTERER. + +[Illustration] + +The Dull Roysterer, or, as he is termed by the slangiest of his +intimates, the "Bluff Boozer," is ordinarily the son of a wealthy, but +injudicious father, who, having sent him to a good public school, +furnished him with an income that would keep a curate in luxury. He +developes an early inclination for check trousers, and the pleasures +of the table. Appalled by the difficulties of English spelling, he +seeks comfort in Scotch whiskey, and atones for a profound distaste +for the tongues of ancient Greece and Rome by cultivating an +appreciative palate for the vintages of Modern France. His burly +frame, and a certain brute courage, gain for him a place in the School +Football team, and a considerable amount of popularity, which he +increases by the lavish waste of his excessive allowance. He has a +fine contempt, which he never fails to express, for those boys who +attempt to cultivate their minds by the reading of books, and, +naturally, does not hesitate to degrade his own by the immoderate +absorption of strong drinks. + +Having, however, been discovered in a state of intoxication, he leaves +school hurriedly and betakes himself to an Army-crammer's where +discipline is lax and dissipation easy. Here he keeps half-a-dozen +fox-terriers, and busies himself about the destruction of domestic +cats. Yet, by dint of much forcing on the part of his Coach, he +succeeds in passing into Sandhurst, and eventually obtains a +commission in a Cavalry Regiment. During this stage of his career he +frequents race-courses and worships earnestly at the shrine of +Bacchus. He entangles himself with the wife of a brother officer, and, +after figuring as the co-respondent in an undefended case, marries +her. In the meantime he sends in his papers, and retires from the +Army. Shortly afterwards he enlists in the ranks of those who seek +pleasure in the night-resorts of the town. He soon becomes the boon +companion of shady sporting men, latter-day coachmen, pink and +paragraphic journalists, and middle-aged ladies, who, having once +been, or been once, on the stage, still affect the skittish manners of +a ballet-dancer. He is a man of short speech, but his humour is as +broad as his drinks are long. He affects a rowdy geniality and a +swaggering gait, by which he seeks to overawe the inoffensive. Though +he has but a small stock of intelligence, he passes for a wit amongst +his associates by dint of perpetually repeating an inane catch-word. +With this, and a stamp of the foot, he will greet a friend who may +meet him before lunch. Amongst his intimates such a welcome is held to +be intensely humorous. He scatters the same sort of stamp and the +identical remark broadcast over the loungers who congregate in front +of HATCHETT's; by these signs and tokens he announces his presence at +a Sporting Restaurant, and to the same accompaniment he sups at the +Camellia, or looks on, in a heavy, sodden sort of way, while others +dance, at the ball of a _demi-mondaine_. + +Yet his general ignorance leads him into perpetual pitfalls, and makes +him the butt of those of his associates who are cleverer than himself. +Having on a certain occasion been addressed as Falstaff, in delicate +allusion to his size and capacity for drink, he is easily persuaded +that the original owner of this name was celebrated in history for his +grace and sobriety. He takes much pride in recounting the incident +ever afterwards. + +Though the Roysterer is generally fuddled, he is rarely glorious. +Having once driven a tandem, he is credited with a complete knowledge +of horses, which, however, he invariably fails to turn to any +profitable account. He begins his day with whiskey cock-tails, +continues it with a series of brandy-and-sodas, followed by unlimited +magnums of _brut_ Champagne, and concludes it with more Champagne, a +liberal allowance of liqueur brandies, and two or three tumblers of +whiskey-and-seltzer to round off the night. As the hours advance, his +face assumes a ruddier glow. With the progress of years, being +compelled to conceal the increasing girth of his lower chest by the +constant inflation of his upper, he wears frock-coats. The point which +is lacking in his conversation is conspicuous in his boots, whilst his +collars possess an elevation entirely denied to his manners. + +He suffers from no restraint in consequence of his marriage. He is +adored by a certain class of burlesque actresses. He flatters them by +adoring himself. He owns a small house in Belgravia, but he frequently +lives elsewhere. No pigeon-shooting matches, and few poker parties, +amongst a certain set, are complete without him. Having benefited only +to a limited extent under the will of his father, he is not generally +reputed to be wealthy, but he is always extravagant. Yet he manages to +steer clear of the painful consequences of writs with some astuteness. +In middle-age he becomes obese, and cannot go the pace as formerly. +His friends therefore abandon him, and he dies before he is fifty, in +reduced circumstances, of an enlarged liver. + + * * * * * + +"JOHNNYKIN AND THE GOBLINGS." + +[Illustration: Bon Voyage! et Au Revoir!] + +Two hundred and fifty Goblings in the Grand Banquet room of the Hotel +Métropole assembled, as all the world knows by this time, to bid +"Farewell, but not good-bye," as CLEMENT SCOTT's admirable verses have +it, to JOHNNYKIN; that is, to Mr. J. L. TOOLE, usually and popularly +spoken of as "JOHNNIE TOOLE," and generally endeared to his private +friends as, simply, "JOHNNIE." Quite the best specimen of a "JOHNNIE," +among all the "Johnnies" of the present time. _Mr. Punch_, for the +first time in his life, permitted his merry men, The Knights of His +Own Round Table, to convert their usual Wednesday dinner into a +"movable feast," and to transfer it to the day beforehand, in order to +do honour to the unique occasion, and the exceptional guest of the +evening. No wonder there were two hundred and fifty acceptances to the +bill of fare, and two hundred and fifty more ready to sign, seeing +that the invitations came in effect from the President, the +Solicitor-General, who could not solicit in vain. + +Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., excelled himself in proposing the +toast of "The Drama." He contemned the ancient Greek Drama, but was of +opinion--Counsel's opinion--or, as he was speaking of the Romans, +"Consul's opinion"--that there was "more money in the Latin Drama." +_Mr. Punch_, regretted he was not at his learned friend's elbow to +suggest, that an apt illustration of the truth of his remark might be +found in the success of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS, IMPERATOR. + +Mr. HENRY IRVING proved, by his perfect recital of CLEMENT SCOTT's +verses, how thoroughly "by heart" he had got them. HENRY's "heart is" +_not_ "dead" when JOHNNIE is concerned. Sir EDWARD CLARKE, as we +learnt from the speeches made by himself, Mr. IRVING, and Mr. TOOLE, +seems to have been at school with all the leading Actors; and it was a +miracle that he escaped the attractions of the sock and buskin. Pity +that the song, "When we were boys, Merry merry boys, When we were boys +together," had not been arranged as a trio for them. JOHNNIE was in +his best form; very detached, casual, and uncommonly funny. Lord +ROSEBERY apologised by letter for not being able to be in Scotland and +London at the same time; and the Wicked Abbé BANCROFT in replying to +the toast of the Drama, pathetically represented his hard case of +being called upon to make an after-dinner speech, when he hadn't had +any dinner. The Actor's lot is evidently, not always a happy one. He +wanted a "feeding-part" and didn't get it. The dinner was excellent, +and the waiting of the waiters was, as far as I could ascertain, +exceptionally good. Certainly the Métropole, or the New "Holland" +House,--as it might be termed, after its manager,--holds first rank +for this sort of business. We present Mr. HOLLAND, the Métropole +Caterer, with this suggestion:-- + + _The Only Condiment for a Farewell Banquet_--"Sauce Ta Ta!" + + + * * * * * + +AVENUE THEATRE.--ALEXANDER the Growing, not yet the Great, finds that +for some weeks to come there will be no necessity to doctor his Bill. +He will be wise, however, not to reject any proffered assistance, as, +from his present success, it is evident he cannot get on un-Aidé-d. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT.] + +"OH, I SAY, OLD MAN, I WISH YOU'D RUN UPSTAIRS AND HUNT FOR MY AUNT, +AND BRING HER DOWN TO SUPPER. SHE'S AN OLD LADY, IN A RED BODY, AND A +GREEN SKIRT, AND A BLUE AND YELLOW TRAIN, WITH AN ORANGE BIRD OF +PARADISE IN HER CAP. YOU CAN'T _POSSIBLY_ MISTAKE HER. SAY I SENT +YOU!" + +"AWFULLY SORRY, OLD MAN, BUT--A--I'M TOTALLY COLOUR-BLIND, YOU KNOW. +JUST BEEN TESTED!" [_Exit in a hurry._ + + * * * * * + +THE INCANTATION SCENE. + +_Freely Adapted from "Der Freischütz."_ + + _Caspar_, Mr. L-B-CH-RE. + _Zamiel_, Mr. P-RN-LL. + + SCENE--_Stage in complete shadow. An Irish Glen surrounded by bare + mountains covered with dwarf oaks, overhanging a big bog. The Moon + is shining dimly._ CASPAR _discovered with a pouch and hanger, + busily engaged in making a Circle of fairy lanterns, in the middle + of which is placed a turnip-skull, a shillelagh, a bunch of + shamrock, a crucible, and a bullet-mould. Distant mutterings + heard._ + + _Chorus of Distant Party-Spirits._ + + Shindy now would be a boon, + ("_Hear, hear! Hear, hear!_") + Interest in M-tch-llst-wn hath died, + ("_Hear, hear! Hear, hear!_") + Mischief must be stirred up soon. + ("_Hear, hear! Hear, hear!_") + And Obstruction once more tried. + ("_Hear, hear! Hear, hear!_") + Ere this S-ss-n's course is run + We must really have some fun. + ("_Hear, hear! Hear, hear!_") + + [_At the end of chorus, a Big Bell booms twelve times; the Circle + being finished,_ CASPAR _within it, draws his hanger round the + lanterns, and at the twelfth stroke strikes it into the + turnip-skull._ + + _Caspar (kneeling, and raising the skull on the hanger at arm's length)_. + ZAMIEL, ZAMIEL, hear me, hear! + By this bogey-skull appear! + ZAMIEL, rise, for things look queer! + + [_A confused noise is heard, a Meteor (looking rather like a + long-expected Blue-Book) falls on the Circle, and_ ZAMIEL, + _looking coldly triumphant, appears._ + + _Zamiel._ Why callest thou? + + _Caspar._ Well, hang it! I like that! + But, by St. Patrick's beard, your advent's pat, + Our foes boast three years longer they may live. + + _Zamiel._ No! + + _Caspar._ Then good reason you and I must give. + + _Zamiel._ Who says so? + + _Caspar._ One who hardly dared--till now-- + To face thy really rayther freezing brow; + But, moved by reason, and a late Report, + He's on the job; and we shall have some sport. + + _Zamiel._ What doth he seek? + + _Caspar._ To be supplied + With bullets which thy skill shall guide. + + _Zamiel._ Six shall obey, + The seventh--who'll say? + + _Caspar._ Lord of the mystic League, + I hope, by sly intrigue, + To rule the seventh also, + And let it kill--_you_ know! + + _Zamiel._ Too risky. + + _Caspar._ Oh, I say, + Let's have no more delay. + Three long years yet to sway? + Pooh, ZAMIEL! It's child's-play. + + _Zamiel._ Enough--no more! I'll tell thee now + By this day month there'll be--a row? + + [_More mutterings are heard and repeated in chorus. The skull and + hanger sink, and in their place a hearth with lighted coals and + faggots, rise out of the earth, within the Circle. The Moon + becomes red._ + + _Caspar._ Well served! Bless thee, ZAMIEL! + The day will be ours! + + [CASPAR _moves to and fro, places faggots on the coals, blows the + fire, which blazes and fumes. In the smoke certain cabalistic + letters appear._ + +Now for it! Every moment is precious. "Every bullet hath its billet," +saith the old saw. Rather! Black C-C-L, beware! Bland WILLIAM H., look +out! Brutal B-LF-R, mind your eye! Shrewish G-SCH-N, be warned! +Haughty H-RT-NGT-N, take care! Perfidious J-S-PH, watch it! That +accounts for Six out of the fatal Seven. 'Twill suffice, even if the +seventh--bah! that's silly superstition. Here goes! First this +lead--heavy as SM-TH's speeches; then this glass, brittle as the bond +between the Unionists; some quicksilver of Randolphian shiftiness; +three charmed balls which have already hit their mark. See, they are +marked. "P-G-TT," "P-RN-LL," "C-mm-ss-n"!!! _Probatum est!_ Now for +the blessing of the balls. + + [CASPAR _bowing down his head three separate times (as to three + Judges) before he commences his incantation._ + + Thou who hast Fate's mystic dower, + ZAMIEL, ZAMIEL, work thy power! + Spirit of the evil dead + (At Madrid), bless, bless the lead! + May they be as featly sped + As the one that pierced his head. + I am sick of shilly-shally, + May they--metaphorically, + For, of course, I don't mean murder, + Nothing could be--well, absurder-- + May they spifflicate our foes. + Neither progress nor repose, + On Bench or in Cabinet, + May they any of them get + Till they get their last quietus + From these bullets (That will seat us + Comfortably in their places, + To the rapture of three races) + How the fire fumes! There'll be ruction. + Characters _look_ like OBSTRUCTION! + But they _mean_--and that's their beauty!-- + Merely, simply, purely DUTY! + Therefore, 'tis my occupation + So at present, Incantation! + G. O. M. won't take a part; + He objects to the Black Art. + Though he rather shirks my cult, + He will relish the result. + ZAMIEL! you're the chap I like, + Charm the bullets that they strike. + ZAMIEL, lend thy might to kill + To each burning drop we spill! + Now then for it! Out on fear! + ZAMIEL, ZAMIEL, be thou near! + + [_Sets to work at--THE CASTING OF THE BULLETS. Music._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "INCANTATION." + +(_Scene from the Very Latest Version of "Der Freischütz_.")] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RUSTIC POLITENESS.] + +_Squire Roadster._ "WHERE ARE THE HOUNDS, MY MAN?" + +_Yokel._ "GAR ON WITH YER! DON'T KNAW WHEER THE 'OUNDS BE, AND GOT A +RED COAT AND A BIG 'OSS! YER OUGHTER BE ASHAMED OF YERSELF!" + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST CATCH-LINE.--Good DAY! Have you read the Report of the +Special Commission? + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_Leaves of a Life._ So MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C., and Worthy Beak, styles +his Reminiscences. The Leaves are fresh, and will be Evergreen. +Nothing in his Life has become him so well as his leave-ing it. I +fancy that the most popular part of it will be the early days--his +salad days--when his leaves were at their greenest. Certainly, to all +old Etonians, the opening of Volume One must prove the most +interesting part of the two books; and after this, in point of +interest to the general reader, will rank all the stories about +persons whose names, for evident reasons, the learned Reminiscenser +cannot give in full. When you read about what enormities "C----" +committed, and what an unmitigated scoundrel "D----'s" brother was, +there is in the narrative a delightful element of mystery, and an +inducement to guess, which will excite in many a strong desire for a +private key, which, of course, could not be placed in any publisher's +hands, except under such conditions as hamper the trustee of the +_Talleyrand Memoirs_. + +Mr. WILLIAMS has better stories of Sergeant BALLANTINE than the latter +had of himself in his own book. But I should like more of the MONTAGU +out of Court--more of the behind-the-scenes of the cases in which he +was engaged or interested. All his book is written in a dashing style, +and there would be an enormous demand for a third volume, which might +be all dash--C---- D---- E----; every letter of the alphabet dash--a +dash'd good book, in fact, giving us the toothsome _fond d'artichaut_ +after the "leaves" have been disposed of. But that this should be the +strong feeling expressed not alone by the Baron DE B.-W., but by very +many readers, is proof sufficient of the art with which these +Reminiscences have been compiled, so as, according to _Sam Weller's_ +prescription for a love-letter, to make us "wish there was more of +it." By the way, I doubt whether WHATELEY'S _Evidences of +Christianity_ was the work that MONTAGU WILLIAMS was dozing over +during "Sunday Private" in pupil-room; doesn't he mean PALEY's +_Evidences_? Also, wasn't the old College Fellow's name spelt PLUMTRE, +or PLUMPTRE, not PLUMPTREE? However, the Baron is less likely to be +right than the Magistrate, who is evidently blessed with a wonderfully +retentive memory. + +My faithful Co. reports that he has read _On the Children_, a not very +interesting novel, by ANNIE THOMAS, otherwise Mrs. PENDER CUDLIP. The +story deals with a young girl, who, after serving in a village +newspaper shop, marries the local nobleman, and no doubt lives happily +ever afterwards. Persons who are interested in the doings of the class +JEAMES calls the "hupper suckles," will perhaps be a little +disappointed, as, truth to tell, the narrative is rather homely. Many +of the characters seem to have that exaggerated awe of rank which used +to be characteristic of the tales in the _London Journal_. The book +should, however, be welcome in the homes of some of the lower middle +class. + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +MR. PARKER SMITH, the recently elected M.P., appeared in the House +looking Partickularly happy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Mr Punch's suggestion for the Betterment of Parliament + +The House of Commons altered so as to accommodate all its members.] + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, +EXTRACTED FROM the DIARY of TOBY M.P. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, February 11._--"Rather slow this," said +Commandant (of the Yeomanry Cavalry) Lord BROOKE to Admiral (in black +velvet suit, with silver buckles) ROYDEN. + +They were locked up in a room adjoining OLD MORALITY'S private +apartment, at back of SPEAKER's chair. Both dressed in warlike +costumes, both uniforms new, unaccustomed, and uncomfortable. Both +warriors had waked in the morning full of joy and proud anticipation. +"If you're waking call me early," Quartermaster-General Lord BROOKE +had said to his man; "this is the happiest day of all the bright new +year; for I'm to Second the Address. Yes, I'm to Second the Address." + +Captain ROYDEN had made a remark of a similar purport to his body +servant, though he had kept more closely to prose. Now here they were +locked in, with a glass of sherry wine and a sponge cake, waiting for +the signal that might never come. Ordinary course on opening night of +Session is, for SPEAKER to take Chair; Notices of Motion to be worked +off; Queen's Speech read; then Mover and Seconder of Address march +into seats immediately behind Ministers, especially kept for them; +dexterously dodge tendency of sword to get between their knees; sit +down with the consciousness that they are the cynosure of every eye, +including those of JOSEPH GILLIS, regarding them across House through +horn-bound spectacles. To-day everything upside down. Instead of +moving the Address, HARCOURT on with question of Privilege--HARCOURT, +a plain man, in civilian costume! Worst of it was, they could not go +away and change their clothes. No one knows what may happen from hour +to hour in House of Commons; debate on Privilege might break down; +Address brought on, and what would happen to British Constitution if +Mover and Seconder were dragged in in their dressing-gowns? + +"Dem'd dull," said Captain of Yeomanry Cavalry Lord BROOKE, toying +with his sword-tassel. + +"Trenormous!" yawned Bosun's Mate ROYDEN, loosening his belt, for he +had been beguiled into taking another sponge-cake. "If they'd only let +us walk about the corridors, or lounge in the House, it would be +better. But to sit cooped up here is terrible. Worst of it is I've +conned my speech over so often, got it mixed up; end turning up in +middle; exordium marching in with rear-guard; was just right to go off +at half-past six; now it's eight, and we won't be off duty till +twelve." + +Vice-Admiral ROYDEN feebly hitched up his trousers; sadly sipped his +sherry wine, and deep silence fell on the forlorn company. + +No one in crowded House thought of these miserable men. HARCOURT made +his speech; GORST demonstrated that Motion was indefensible, being +both too late and too soon; the Mouse came and went amid a spasm of +thrilled interest; GLADSTONE delivered oration in dinner-hour; PARNELL +fired up at midnight; House divided, and SPEAKER left the Chair. Then +was heard the rattling of keys in the door by OLD MORALITY's room; two +limp warriors were led forth; conducted to four-wheel cab; delivered +at their own doorways, to spend night in pleased reflection on the +distinction of Moving and Seconding the Address. + +[Illustration: "Ridiculus Mus," the New Member.] + +_Business done._--Charge of Breach of Privilege against _Times_, +negatived by 260 Votes against 212. + +_Wednesday._--House met at Noon as usual on Wednesdays; the two men of +war in their places in full uniform, which looked a little creased as +if they had slept in it. The eye that has sternly reviewed the +Warwickshire Yeomanry Cavalry, lacks something of its wonted +brightness; whilst ROYDEN's black velvet suit sets off the added +pallor of a countenance that tells of sleepless vigil. + +House nearly empty; Members won't turn up at Noon even to hear the +thrilling eloquence clothing the original thoughts of the Mover and +Seconder of the Address. Amid the dreary space the stalwart figure of +GEORGE HAWKESWORTH BOND, Member for the East Division of Dorset, +stands forth like a monument. Curious to see how BOND avoids vicinity +of Cross Benches. Was standing there in contemplative attitude last +night, whilst GORST was demonstrating that HARCOURT's Motion on Breach +of Privilege was, (1) too late, and (2) that it was too soon. It was +at this moment that the Mouse appeared on the scene, leisurely +strolling down floor apparently going to join the majority. A +view-halloa started him; doubled and made for Cross Benches; BOND, +awakened out of reverie by the shout, looked down and saw the strange +apparition. Never believed a man of his weight could get so high up +into the air by sudden swift gyration. Mouse, more frightened even +than the man, dodged round the Benches and disappeared. "All very +well once in a way," said BOND this afternoon, sinking into a seat far +removed from the Cross Benches; "but it is foolish unnecessarily to +court danger; won't catch _me_ standing at the bar any more when GORST +is orating." + +[Illustration: Before the Mouse came.] + +And his word is as good as his Bond. + +After Mover and Seconder had completed their story, Grand Old Man +appeared at the table, and talked for nearly an hour. Few to listen, +but that no matter. A rapt auditor in OLD MORALITY, sitting forward +with hands on knees, eyes reverently fixed on orator, drinking in his +honeyed words. Something paternal in his attitude towards Ministers. +Here and there they had done not quite the right thing. The MARKISS, +in particular, had been particularly harsh to Portugal; but, on the +whole, things might have been worse. + +"Bless you, my children; bless you!" were the last words of the Grand +Old Man as he stretched forth his hands across the table. Not a dry +eye on the Treasury Bench. OLD MORALITY deeply touched, but through +his sobs managed to make acknowledgment of the unexpected clemency. +_Business done._--Address Moved. + +_Thursday._--The languor in which House steeped since Debate on +Address opened, not varied to-night till, at ten o'clock, copies of +Report of Parnell Commission brought to Vote Office. Then such a +scrimmage as never before seen. + +[Illustration: Fight for the Report of the Royal Commission.] + +At re-opening of Debate, HOWORTH started off with reference to +Portugal. Immediately Members, with one consent, went forth, +discovering that they had special business in the Lobby, the Library, +the Tea-room, anywhere out of the House. The SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE's GATE +had not even waited for resumption of Debate to quit the scene; was +comfortably ensconsed in Smoking-room, distilling words of wisdom to +listening circle. Someone dropping in, accidentally mentioned that +HOWORTH had brought on Portugal business. SAGE jumped up nearly as +high as BOND when he saw the Mouse. Had an Amendment on the paper +referring to Portugal; had prepared a few paragraphs elucidating it. +If opportunity missed, speech would be lost. So bolted off; arrived +just in time to follow HOWORTH. Whilst discoursing, Our Latest Duke +came in, fresh from the pageant of his installation in House of Lords. +Seated in Peers' Gallery, toying with his walking-stick, thinking no +evil, started to hear his name mentioned. SAGE's quick eye had caught +sight of him. + +"Halloa!" said the SAGE to himself, "here's a Duke; let's throw arf a +brick at him!" + +So, with innocent manner and pretty assumption of ignorance of the +presence in Peers' Gallery of the highly favoured young gentleman with +the walking-stick, the SAGE traced all the evils of Central Africa, +leading directly up to the quarrel with Portugal, to the action of the +British South Africa Company, of which the Duke of FIFE, he said, was +a Promoter and Director. + +"Very odd thing that, TOBY," said the Duke, under his breath, as he +left the Gallery on tip-toe; "most remarkable coincidence; odds seemed +to be a thousand to one against it; and yet it came off. Don't look +into Peers' Gallery twice a year; yet on very night I happened to be +there for five minutes, LABBY on his legs and talking about ME!" + +_Business done._--Debate on Address. + +_Friday._--A dull night, uplifted, at outset, by powerful speech +from PARNELL, and, towards finish, by Colonel SAUNDERSON riding +in, and slashing off heads all round. After him came SHEEHY. +Splendid fellow, SHEEHY; must see more of him. + +"What you want is blood!" SHEEHY shouted across the House +at BALFOUR, lounging, dull and depressed, on Treasury Bench; +"I repeat the phrase--Blood!" + +"Blood," said SAUNDERSON, carelessly passing his hand through +the black locks that crown his lofty brow, "is not exactly a phrase. +Besides, after eight hours of this, a cup of black coffee would be +more in BALFOUR'S way. But a good deal must be conceded to +SHEEHY. What a nation we are for genders! We had an O'SHEA, +we have an O'HEA; and here's a SHEE-HE. I have occasional +differences with some of my countrymen; but I am proud of my +country." + +_Business done._--Debate on Address. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IN KIND."] + +_Country Editor's Wife._ "OH, JOHN DEAR! SOMEBODY'S SENT US SUCH A +SPLENDID SALMON!" + +_Editor_ (_after a moment's thought_). "AH, YES--I KNOW--AND CHEAP +TOO! ON'Y HALF A COLUMN!" + + * * * * * + +FIFTY YEARS OF RAILWAY PROGRESS--FIFTY YEARS HENCE. + +A large and attentive audience assembled yesterday evening to hear Mr. +FAIRWEATHER'S discourse on the highly interesting and instructive +subject of the progress made in the matter of Railway Travelling in +the course of the last fifty years. + +The lecturer commenced by reminding his audience that, in the days of +their fathers and grandfathers, fifty years ago, towards the close of +the Nineteenth Century, the wretched Public had to content themselves +with a miserable conveyance called a Pullman Car, that they in those +days considered a triumph of elegant and convenient locomotion, +because they could get tucked away on a shelf at night as a sort of +apology for a bed, and be served with a mutton-chop by day, as a +makeshift for lunch, and this they considered wonderful, because they +were being dragged over their road at the marvellous, soul-thrilling +pace of sixty miles an hour. (_Loud laughter._) What would the poor +benighted travellers of those days say to their present Grand Circular +Express, that ran from London to York in two-and-twenty minutes, and +ran up to the most northern point in Scotland, then down the Western +Coast to Land's End, and back again to London all along the Channel +Shore, doing the entire circuit in four hours and a quarter, and this +while you reclined on the rich red velvet cushions of the lofty and +sumptuously decorated third-class carriage at a one-and-ninepenny +fare? No wonder that people took monthly tickets, and went round, and +round, and round the two kingdoms; living, in fact, in the train, and +being thus perpetually on the move. Look at the advantages offered by +the Company, on their new extra-triple width line. A Brass Band, a +Theatrical Company, a Doctor, Dancing-Master, Teacher of Elocution, +Solicitor, Dentist, and Police Magistrate, accompanied every train, +which was, moreover, provided with Turkish Shower and Swimming Baths, +Billiard-rooms, Circulating Library, and offered attractive advantages +to families wishing, either at their doctor's orders or for the mere +sake of the run on its own account, continual change of air, complete +sets of handsomely furnished apartments not fitted up with sleeping +shelves--(_laughter_)--but supplied with regular six foot +four-posters, such as would have delighted the eyes of their great +grandfathers a hundred years ago. The law, too, recently passed, which +consigned a Director to penal servitude, in the event of a train being +ten minutes after its time, which had been passed owing to the +persistent unpunctuality of the South-Eastern Company, had worked +admirably, and to it, no doubt, they owed the present orderly +management of all the lines in the three kingdoms. What would be the +next development of Railway travelling he could not venture to +predict, but he thought that if, in the next fifty years, they made as +much progress as they had in the fifty years just expired, he was of +opinion, that though the shareholders might possibly receive a smaller +dividend even than that they were drawing to-day--(_loud +laughter_)--the Railway, as an institution in the country, could not +be regarded but as being in a highly flourishing condition. + +A vote of thanks having been passed to the Lecturer for his lively and +instructive discourse, which he briefly acknowledged, the proceedings +terminated. + + * * * * * + +Another "Competitive." + + Why have we no Exams, for our M.P.'s.? + Why not give marks for intellectual variance? + And range each class according to degrees-- + Here the Tomfoolites--there the Noodeletarians? + + * * * * * + + NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., + Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in + no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and + Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be + no exception. + + + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + + Passages in italics are indicated by _underscore_. + + Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the closest + paragraph break. + + Printer's inconsistencies in spelling, punctuation, hyphenation, + and ligature usage have been retained. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, February 22nd, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30018 *** |