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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/29992-8.txt b/29992-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf52cb7 --- /dev/null +++ b/29992-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1715 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, +March 1, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, March 1, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 14, 2009 [EBook #29992] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MARCH 1, 1890 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MARCH 1, 1890. + + * * * * * + +UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS. + +"Très volontiers," repartit le démon. "Vous aimez les tableaux +changeans: je veux vous contenter." + +_Le Diable Boiteux._ + +[Illustration:] + + XXI. + + "Though cold the coxcomb, and though coarse the boor, + Though dulness haunts the rich and pain the poor, + In this colossal city, + Yet London is not Rome, O Shade!" I said. + "A later JUVENAL should not find her dead + To purity and pity." + + "Satire, of shames and follies in sole quest, + Is a one-eyed divinity at best," + My guide responded, slowly. + "The tale of ZOÏLUS hath its moral still. + Such critics are but blowflies, their small skill + To carrion given wholly. + + "Not all the Romans of DOMITIAN's days + Were such as live in JUVENAL's savage lays; + Not all the Latian ladies + Were HIPPIAS or COLLATIAS. Neither here + May all be gauged by satire's rule severe, + Or earth would be a Hades. + + "The scalpel hath no terrors for the sound, + Nor is the hand that wields it harshly bound + To ceaseless vivisection. + The Cynic sharply sees, but sees not far; + The eye that hunts the mote may miss the star + Too great for scorn's detection. + + "Dream not, oh friend, because I let the light + On lurid London through the cloak of night + (As was my undertaking.) + That I've a spirit wholly given to scorn, + Or blind to all, save sin, that with the morn + Will see a bright awaking. + + "Yet could the freedman's son but wield his flail + In London, there are those might shrink and pale + As did DOMITIAN'S minion. + PARIS lives yet, pander and parasite + Still flaunt in bold impunity, despite + A custom-freed opinion. + + "Dull in the drawing-room, our beardless boys + Can sparkle in the haunts of coarser joys, + Coldness and muteness vanish + When TULLIA dances or when POLLIO sings. + With riotous applause the precinct rings, + There chill restraint they banish. + + "Behold Lord LIMPET in his gilded Box, + His well-gloved palms and scarlet silken socks + Actively agitated; + He who erewhile about the ball-room stood + A solemn, weary, whispering thing of wood, + And sneered, and yawned, and waited." + + "Wondrous!" I cried. "The youngster's cheeks flush red, + Wide laugh his lips, and swiftly wags his head, + He cheers, he claps, he chuckles. + Can he, the languid lounger limp and faint + Give way to mirth with the mad unrestraint + Of boys with ribs and knuckles? + + "Frankly _canaille_ is that dancing chit + Slang and suggestiveness serve her for wit, + And impudence for beauty. + Yet frigid 'Form' melts at her cockney spell, + 'Form,' which votes valsing with the reigning belle + An undelightful duty. + + "Bounds on the arch-buffoon, with flexile face, + With bagman smartness and batrachian grace. + Is he not sweet and winning? + Mime of the gutter, mimic of the slum, + Muse of the haunts unspeakable, else dumb, + A satyr gross and grinning? + + "LIMPET smiled," he said. "SHAKSPEARE'S boldest wit + Leaves LIMPET listless, but each feature lit + At that last comic chorus. + London is full of LIMPETS; clownings please + The well-groom'd mob, though ARISTOPHANES + Would miserably bore us. + + "Untile the Town entirely? Nay, good friend, + That were to affright the timid, and offend + The tender and the trustful. + Unlifted yet must lie the dusky screen + That veils the viler features of the scene, + The dread and the disgustful." + + "Shadow!" I said, "Civilisation fails, + While surfeits Idleness, and Labour pales. + For all its spread and glitter, + The Titan City lacks its crowning grace + And glory, whilst its pleasure is so base, + Its bondage is so bitter." + + "True!" sighed the Shadow, and a softened smile + Seemed to illume the coldness, void of guile, + Of those phantasmal features. + "When from the City's gloom shall flash to light + This truth: The sleek and selfish sybarite + Is meanest of God's creatures?" + + "Shadow!" I cried. But in the darkness dim + Those lineaments did waver and dislimn + Like clouds at the sun's waking. + Alone I stood; fled was the night, the dream, + And o'er the sleeping City's sullen stream + Babylon's grey dawn was breaking. + + THE END. + + * * * * * + +A DIAG-NOSE-IS OF WINE.--The Case of Champagne set before Mr. Alderman +and Sheriff DAVIES. Of course, the worthy Alderman, who is a judge of +wine, needed only to raise the glass to his nose. He smelt it to see if +it was Corke'd. But in answer to the charge of false labelling, it +should have been simply pleaded that, at the manufactory, the labels +were not simply put on, but Clapt-on. Whether this defence would have +gone to mitigate the fine of twenty pounds, is another matter. The +Alderman's decision was given, much as the public generally pay for +Champagne,--good or bad,--that is, "through the nose." + + * * * * * + +THE CHAMELEON "REPORT". + +_Entirely New Version._ + + ("The bearings of it lie in the application,"--to a certain Report.) + + Time to the eager seems to lag, + Howe'er his glass be shaken; + Yet struck the hour when from the bag + The Creature should be taken. + + Three Judges sage had cooped it there + Three Judges wise, three Judges fair, + At him Society will ejaculate + Who hints a Judge is _not_ immaculate. + The Judge's ermine none dares dim + (Unless the Judge differs from _him_). + + Now men discussed, with glee or dolour, + The question of the Creature's colour. + "Black as my hat," cries one, "_I_ know." + "Nay!" shouts another, "white as snow!" + Whether the thing revealed should prove + To ape the Raven or the Dove, + Was matter of dispute most furious; + Angry were most, and all were curious. + + At last arrived the eventful day + When from the bag the thing must crawl, + And lo! the Creature's tint was _grey_, + Which disappointed all. + + But though Truth brings a brief confusion + To obstinate foregone conclusion, + Prejudice, routed most dis_mally_, + Will quickly to Unreason rally. + And so the one side would remark + That for a grey 'twas wondrous _dark_; + The other side did more than hint + _They_ never saw so _light_ a tint; + "Deep iron-grey!" said one, "Oh, stuff!" + Another cried at most a buff! + "In tint below, in hue above, + 'Tis little deeper than a Dove! + In fact, looked at in a strong light, + 'Tis scarce distinguishable from white!" + "_White!_" yelled a third, with rage half + throttled, + "With jet-black streaks 'tis thickly mottled. + If not pure Raven, all must own + No Magpie hath a sootier tone!" + + And so the rival parties raged and wrangled; + Judgment considered whilst the bigots jangled, + And the great bulk of _them_ 'twas sad to find, + Wore party-coloured specs., or else were colour-blind! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GARRICK THEATRE.] + +The Hare Apparent in a New Pair of Spectacles. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONLY A DROP!] + +_Shareholder._ "HALLO! I DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING MUCH OUT OF THIS! +WHAT'S THE MATTER?" + +_Standard._ "MATTER? THERE'S A LEAKAGE SOMEWHERE!" + + * * * * * + +ALL FOR THE SAKE OF THE ARMY! + +_From Mr. C. Bounder to Mr. T. Tenterfive._ + +DEAR TOMMY,--I say, can't you give me a leg up, to get the Government to +adopt my confounded pop-guns? The foreigners don't seem to see them +much, and, hang it all! a true-hearted Johnnie should give his native +land the first chance. + +Thine ever, + +CHARLES BOUNDER. + +_From Mr. T. Tenterfive to Mr. C. Bounder._ + +DEAR CHARLEY,--I'm afraid I'm not of much use. Send in application about +your pop-guns, and I will look after it as much as can. You mustn't +expect much, as the Department has a way of knocking a thing about for +months--sometimes years--and then quietly shelving it. Hope to see you +soon. + +Thine ever, + +THOMAS TENTERFIVE. + +_Report of Ordnance Committee, to be forwarded to the Adjutant-General._ + +We have examined the Bounder Patent Ironclad Pocket Revolving +Cannonette, and consider it a weapon that might possibly be introduced +into the Service with advantage, if the cost of production is not +excessive. + +_Report of Adjutant-General, to be forwarded to Quartermaster-General._ + +I enclose report of Ordnance Committee of which I approve. However, as +the matter involves a financial question, your opinion thereon would be +of great value. + +_Report of the Quartermaster-Gen., to be forwarded to Inspector-Gen. of +Fortifications._ + +CAN offer no suggestion about the cost of production until it can be +ascertained whether the Cannonette will be suitable for Home Defences. +What is your opinion on this point? + +_Report of Inspector-General of Fortifications, to be forwarded to +Secretary of State._ + +No doubt the Cannonette might be used in a variety of ways. But it will +be observed that the Ordnance Committee raised the question of +expense--a matter that scarcely concerns my Department. + +_Memo. of Secretary of State, to be forwarded to Financial Secretary._ + +PLEASE read inclosed Report, and send on. + +_Report of Financial Secretary, to be forwarded to the Director-General +of Ordnance._ + +It is premature to consider the question of expense until it has been +decided that the introduction of this Cannonette will be of advantage to +the Service. The Ordnance Committee use the words, "Might possibly," +which are not, in themselves, a strong recommendation. It must be borne +in mind that the Army Estimates must be calculated with the greatest +attention to economy. + +_Report of Director-General of Ordnance to Commander-in-Chief._ + +I HAVE examined Cannonette, which appears to have been constructed on +the lines of a weapon manufactured in the reign of HENRY THE EIGHTH, of +which there is a specimen in the Museum at Woolwich. + +_Endorsement of Commander-in-Chief. (Packet to be put in Pigeon-hole_ +404,567 B.) + +POSSIBLY something in the notion--immediate attention unnecessary. + +_From Mr. T. Tenterfive to Mr. C. Bounder._ + +DEAR CHARLEY,--Have just been looking through our papers relative to +your pop-gun. I am afraid you will have to wait for a decision a good +long while. + +Thine ever, + +THOMAS TENTERFIVE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISILLUSION.] + +_Proud Mother._ "I SEE, HERBERT, 'S.P.G.' SEVERAL TIMES OCCURRING AMONG +YOUR EXPENSES. I'M GLAD TO FIND YOU CAN SPARE SOMETHING OCCASIONALLY FOR +THAT EXCELLENT SOCIETY." + +_Schoolboy._ "IT'S NOT EXACTLY THAT, MUMMY DEAR. IT STANDS FOR +_'SUNDRIES--PROBABLY GRUB_!'" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER OF ROBERT'S XSTRORNERRY ADWENCHURS. + +It was ony the beginnin of larst week, as I was a seekin to begile my +rayther tiresum lezzure by a wark down Cornhill--tho which is hup and +which is down that rayther strait hill it is sumtimes difficult to +say--that jest as I was a passing by the, to me, amost sacred +establishment of Messrs. BRING AND RHYMER, the great Cooks, as amost +everybody knos and reweres, I seed a henwellop a laying on the +pavement, which I naterally picked up, and put in my pocket quietly, and +then, crossing over to the Royal Xchange, jest hoppersit, I sets down on +one of the forms kindly purwided by the generus Copperashun and the +Mersers Company, six of one, and arf a dozzen of the other, for the rest +of the weary traveller. + +Then I quietly hopened my henwellop--which, strange to say, hadn't no +name on it--and hinside it I found a check for twenty-five pounds! It +was payable to "No. 2,437, or Bearer." I was that estonished that I +amost thort I shoud have feinted, the more so as won of the Beedles was +a looking at me rayther pointedly, as I thort, tho I dessay it was ony +my gilty conshence, which, as sumboddy says, makes cowards of ewen Hed +Waiters, as well as all the rest of us. So I quietly put my henwellop +with its corstly contents into my pocket, and quietly warked away bang +into the Bank as was printed in the check, and there I hands it to the +Clark at the Counter as bold as brass. Well, he jest looks at it, and +then he says, "How will you take it,--short?" So I larfs, and I says, "I +shood like it all, please." Then he larfs, and he says, "Gold or Notes?" +So I says, "Sum of each, please, in a little bag." So he gave it me, and +then, I so astonishes his week nerves by what I next said, that he +turned amost pail. "I now wants you," I sed, "to send one of your yung +gennelmen with me to the Firm as drawed that check; for it isn't reelly +mine, for I ony found it!" So he did, as it was ony a little ways off; +and there, sure enuff, was too most respectful looking Gents in a +counting-'ouse a counting out their money, like the King in the Fairy +Tail. + +"Well, my good man, and what do you want?" one of 'em said to me. So I +told 'em, and at the close of my story emtied out all the contents of my +little bag to the werry uttermost harf sovverain. "And, who is this +gennelman?" they said. "Oh," said I, "he is the Clark from the Bank cum +for to see that I acted on the square." "Well, you needn't wait any +longer," they said to him; so off he went. + +So the elder one, he says to me, what is your name? "ROBERT", I +naterally replied, and amost xpected he was a going to arsk me, "who +gave me that name," but he didn't. So he larfed, and he said, "But there +are so many of that name about, that you must tell me somethink more." +So I plucked up my curridge, and I says, boldly, "Please, Gennelmen, I +am ROBERT the City Waiter!" Well, I thinks as I never seed such a change +as cum over them too highly respectabel City Gents! They larfed quite +out loud, and they both got up and shook hands with me, and then they +larfed again, and then one on 'em said, what a lucky thing it was that +their lost check had fallen into sich honnest hands! Ah, what a grand +thing is a good karacter!--it's even better than reel Turtel and +Madeary! + +They then made me set down, and they larfed, and they chatted away, and +arsked me lots of questions, all about my warious experiences, and the +young one arsked me if I rememberd the dinner at the Manshun 'Ouse, when +he asked me for sum more champane, saying, "I 'spose it is _had lib_?" +To which, he said, I replied, "Suttenly not! you can have as much as you +like!" And then they both larfed again quite hartily, tho' I'm sure I +coudn't see what there was to larf at. + +They then arsked me jest to step out for a minnit or two, and when they +called me in they told me how pleased they was with my conduck, and, if +not offending me, they begged my acceptnse of a trifle, which shall be +nameless, but which made that memmurable day about the most +proffitablest I ewer remember. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. VII.-RECLAIMED! (CONCLUDED.) + + [Our readers will doubtless recollect the thrilling situation upon + which we were forced to drop the curtain. Lady BELLEDAME, the + hardened Grandmother of Little ELFIE, has, under the influence of + that angel-child, just vowed to amend, when, in the person of her + minion, MONKSHOOD, she is reminded of the series of atrocious crimes + she had been contemplating through his instrumentality. Struck with + remorse, she attempts to countermand them--only to find that her + orders have already been executed with a too punctual fidelity! Now + we can go on.] + +[Illustration:] + +_Lady B._ (_in a hoarse whisper_). You--you have left the parcels ... +all--_all_? Tell me--how were they received? Speak low--I would not that +yonder child should awake and hear! + +_Little Elfie_ (_behind the screen, very wide awake indeed_). Dear, good +old Grannie--she would conceal her generosity--even from _me_! +(_Loudly._) She little thinks that I am overhearing all! + +_Monks._ I could have sworn I heard whispering. + +_Lady B._ Nay, you are mistaken--'twas but the wind in the old wainscot. +(_Aside._) He is quite capable of destroying that innocent child; but, +old and attached servant as he is, there are liberties I still know how +to forbid. (_To_ M.) Your story--quick! + +_Monks._ First, I delivered the cigars to Sir VEVEY LONG, whom I found +under his verandah. He seemed surprised and gratified by the gift, +selected a weed, and was proceeding to light it, whilst he showed a +desire to converse familiarly with me. 'Astily excusing myself, I drove +away, when---- + +_Lady B._ When _what_? Do not torture a wretched old woman! + +_Monks._ When I heard a loud report behind me, and, in the portion of a +brace, two waistcoat-buttons, and half a slipper, which hurtled past my +ears, I recognised all that was mortal of the late Sir VEVEY. You mixed +them cigars uncommon strong, m'Lady. + +_Elfie_ (_aside_). Can it be? But no, no. I will _not_ believe it. I am +sure that dear Granny meant no harm! + +_Lady B._ (_with a grim pride she cannot wholly repress_). I have +devoted some study to the subject of explosives. 'Tis another triumph to +the Anti-tobacconists. And what of Lady VIOLET POWDRAY--did she apply +the salve? + +_Monks._ Judging from the 'eartrending 'owls which proceeded from +Carmine Cottage, the salve was producing the desired result. Her +Ladyship, 'owever, terminated her sufferings somewhat prematoor by +jumping out of a top winder just as I was taking my departure---- + +_Lady B._ She should have died hereafter--but no matter ... and the +Upas-tree? + +_Monks._ Was presented to the PERGAMENTS, who unpacked it, and loaded +its branches with toys and tapers; after which Mr. PERGAMENTS, Mrs. P., +and all the little PERGAMENTS joined 'ands, and danced round it in light +'arted glee. (_In a sombre tone._) They little knoo as how it was their +dance of death! + +_Lady B._ That knowledge will come! And the beer, MONKSHOOD--you saw it +broached? + +_Monks._ Upon the village green; the mortality is still spreading, it +being found impossible to undo the knots in which the victims had tied +themselves. The sweetmeats were likewise distributed, and the floor of +the hinfant-school now resembles one vast fly-paper. + +_Lady B._ (_with a touch of remorse_). The children, too! Was not my +little ELFIE once an infant? Ah me, ah me! + +_Elfie_ (_aside_). Once--but that was long, long ago. And, oh, _how_ +disappointed I am in poor dear Grandmamma! + +_Lady B._ MONKSHOOD, you should not have done these things--you should +have saved me from myself. You _must_ have known how greatly all this +would increase my unpopularity in the neighbourhood. + +_Monks._ (_sulkily_). And this is my reward for obeying orders! Take +care, my Lady. It suits you now to throw me aside like a--(_casting +about for an original simile_)--like a old glove, because this innocent +grandchild of yours has touched your flinty 'art. But where will _you_ +be when she learns----? + +_Lady B._ (_in agony_). Ah, no, MONKSHOOD, good, faithful MONKSHOOD, she +must never know that! Think, MONKSHOOD, you would not tell her that the +Grandmother to whom she looks up with such touching, childlike love, was +a--_homicide_--you would not do that? + +_Monks._ Some would say even 'omicide was not too black a name for all +you've done. (Lady BELLEDAME _shudders_.) I might tell Miss ELFIE how +you've blowed up a live Baronet, corrosive sublimated a gentle Lady, +honly for 'aving, in a moment of candour, called you a hold cat, and +distributed pison in a variety of forms about this smiling village; and, +if that don't inspire her with distrust, I don't know the nature of +children, that's all! I might tell her, I say, and, if I'm to keep my +mouth shut, I shall expect it to be considered in my wages. + +_Lady B._ I knew you had a good heart! I will pay you +anything--anything, provided you shield my guilt from her ... wait, you +shall have gold, gold, MONKSHOOD, gold! + +[_Chord. Little_ ELFIE _suddenly comes from behind screen; limelight on +her. The other two shrink back._ + +_Elfie._ Do not give that bad old man money, Grandmother,--for it will +only be wasted. + +_Lady B._ Speak, child--how much do you know? + +_Elfie._ All! + +[_Chord._ Lady B. _collapses on chair._ + +_Lady B._ (_with an effort_). And now, ELFIE, that you know, you scorn +and hate your poor old Grandmother--is it not so? + +_Elfie._ It is wrong to hate one's Grandmother, whatever she does. At +first, when I heard, I was very, very sorry. I _did_ think it was most +unkind of you. But now, oh, I _can't_ believe that you had not some +good, wise motive, in acting as you did! + +_Lady B._ (_in conscience-stricken aside_). Even _this_ cannot shatter +her artless faith ... Oh, wretch, wretch! + +[_Covers her face._ + +_Monks._ Motive--I believe you there, Missie. Why, she went and insured +all their lives aforehand, _she_ did. + +_Lady B._ MONKSHOOD, in pity hold your peace! + +_Elfie_ (_her face beaming_). I knew it--I was sure of it! Oh, Granny, +my dear, kind old Granny, you insured their lives first, so that no real +harm could possibly happen to them--oh, I am so happy! + +_Lady B._ (_aside_). What shall I say? Merciful Powers, what _shall_ I +say to her? + +[_Disturbed sounds without._ + +_Monks._ I don't know what you'd better _say_, but I can tell you what +your Ladyship had better _do_--and that is, take your 'ook while you +can. Even now the outraged populace approaches, to wreak a hawful +vengeance upon your guilty 'ed! + +[_Melodramatic music._ + +_Lady B._ (_distractedly_). A mob! I cannot face them--they will tear me +limb from limb. At my age I could not survive such an indignity as that! +Hide me, MONKSHOOD--help me to escape! + +_Monks._ There is a secret underground passage, known only to myself, +communicating with the nearest railway station. I will point it out, and +personally conduct your Ladyship--for a consideration--one thousand +pounds down. + +[_The noise increases._ + +_Elfie._ No, Grannie, don't trust him! Be calm and brave. Await the mob +here. Leave it all to me. I will explain everything to them--how you +meant no ill,--how, at the very time they thought you were meditating an +injury, you were actually spending money in insuring all their lives. +When I tell them _that_---- + +_Monks._ Ah, you tell 'em that, and see. It's too late now--they are +here. + +[_Shouts without. Lady B. crouches on floor. Little_ ELFIE _goes to the +window, throws open the shutters, and stands on balcony in her +fluttering white robe, and the limelight._ + +_Elfie._ Yes, they are here. Why, they are carrying torches!--(Lady B. +_groans_)--and banners, too! I think they have a band ... Who is that +tall, stout gentleman, in the white hat, on horseback, and the lady in a +pony-trap, with, oh, such a beautiful complexion! There is an +inscription on one of the flags--I can read it quite plainly. "_Thanks +to the generous Donor!_" (That must be _you_, Grandmother!) And there +are children who dance, and scatter flowers. They are asking for a +speech. (_Speaking off._) "If you please, Ladies and Gentlemen, my +Grandmamma is not at all well, but she wishes me to say she wishes you a +Merry Christmas, and is very glad you all like your presents so much. +Good-bye, _good_-bye! (_Returning down Stage._) Now they have gone away, +Granny ... They did look so grateful! + +_Lady B._ (_bewildered_). What is this? Sir VEVEY, Lady VIOLET,--alive, +well? This deputation of gratitude? Am I mad, dreaming--or what does it +all mean? + +_Monks._ (_doggedly_). It means that the sight of this 'ere angel-child +recalled me to a sense of what I might be exposin' myself to by carrying +out your Ladyship's commands; and so I took the liberty of substitootin +gifts more calculated to inspire gratitude in their recipients--that's +what it means. + +_Lady B._ Wretch!--then you have disobeyed me? You leave this day month! + +_Elfie_ (_pleading_). Nay, Grandmother, bear with him, for has not his +disobedience spared you from acts that you might some day have +regretted?... There, Mr. Butler, Granny forgives you--see, she holds out +her hand, and here's mine; and now---- + +_Lady B._ (_smiling tenderly_). Now you shall sing us "_Woa, Lucinda!_" + +[_Little_ ELFIE _fetches her banjo, and sings, "Woa, Lucinda!" her +Grandmother and the aged Steward joining in the dance and chorus, and +embracing the child, to form picture as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer._) + +No. II.--THE CORINTHIAN LADY. + +[Illustration:] + +The Corinthian Lady is the latest resultant of the two forces of _ennui_ +and dissipation acting on a Society that is willing to spend money and +desires to kill time. She has played many parts, some (of infinitesimal +proportions), on the burlesque stage, others in the semi-private life of +her own residence in the South-west district of London. Her versatility +has gained for her many admirers and a precarious income, but so long as +she possesses the former she scorns to live upon the latter. Being +unquestionably a real lady, she has been elected an honorary member of a +night club to which undoubted gentlemen resort. There she occasionally +consents to dance; more often she sups to an accompaniment of Viennese +music, loud and mirthless laughter, jests which are as fatuous as they +are suggestive, and wine which, unlike the humour of the plated youths, +her companions, is always sparkling and sometimes dry. + +Her real name is a mystery, which, however, she did not find attractive. +Having, therefore, abandoned it, she generally substitutes for it the +patronymic of a Norman peer, but, lest this should be thought too +strong, she dilutes it by the addition of a pet name drawn from the +nursery. By this title her fame is celebrated amongst many foolish young +men who singe themselves at the flame of her friendship, and many others +who, wishing to be thought wise, pretend to know her. Like all doves, +she plumes herself on her good looks. Unlike them, she is proud of her +bad habits; but she is a stern censor, and shows scant mercy to those +colleagues who, surpassing her in the former, lack means or chances to +attain to the splendour of the latter. Should one of these happen to be +admitted to a club she frequents, or to a supper-party she honours with +her presence, she has been known to wrap herself in her sealskins, and +to depart indignantly in her private brougham. + +She possesses the secret of nocturnal youth, and her eyes are warranted +to kill across a supper-table, yet she is no longer young, and sometimes +betrays herself by her anecdotes of familiar associations with "boys" +who have long since passed into respectability and middle-age. Though +she adores diamonds, she frequently sells them, and includes in the +transaction those who have purchased them for her; yet she retains and +wears as many jewels as would furnish forth a Duchess in a _Bow Bells_ +novel. But her elbow gloves, which rarely come within a measurable +distance of godliness, inevitably proclaim the Corinthian. + +She is constant only in her love of excitement, and in her devotion to +change, whether it be of the persons of her adorers, or of the colour of +her hair. Having early in life learnt the lesson that only those who +possess are happy, she endeavours to assure herself against misery by +transferring to herself the wealth of those who fall under her +influence, or aspire to her affections. She apes what she conceives to +be the manners of good society by a languid affectation of refinement +and a supercilious drawl, yet she has been known to clothe herself in +objurgations as in a tea-gown, and to repel with scurrility the advances +of those who are not moneyed. She earns a certain popularity by the +display of a kind of rough good-nature, and the possession of a pet +poodle. She has been seen on a coach at Ascot, and in a launch at Henley +Regatta, together with a select company of those who cultivate +excitement by not looking at the exertions of horses or athletes, whilst +they themselves drink Champagne. Nor is she unknown in the boxes of the +Gaiety or the Avenue, whither she repairs after dining at the Café +Royal. She goes, but not alone, to Monte Carlo, and returns, under a +different escort, to London, after losing a great deal of the money of +other people. + +She was once married to a racing man of shady reputation and great +wealth, but having soon wearied of the mock-respectability of a +quasi-matrimonial existence, she makes the acquaintance of Mr. Justice +BUTT at a moment when he is engaged neither upon the probate of wills +nor on the collisions of ships. Yet her dislike of one husband who +happened for a time to be her own has not in the least impaired her +affections for the husbands, actual or to be, of others. No lady can be +considered truly Corinthian unless she has figured as the defendant in +an action for goods supplied by a milliner. It is thus that the Public +learns the Corinthian value of silks, and satins, and laces, and +decorative butterflies. + +Finally, however, in spite of her gallant and protracted struggles, the +years overtake her. She begins to be talked of with a pitying contempt +as "OLD SO-AND-SO"; art ceases to outwit Nature, and she herself can no +longer deceive men. For some time she clings to the fringe of the +society she once adorned; but sinking gradually from the Corinthian to +the Continental, from the Continental to the Cavour, from the Cavour to +a supper-less Music-hall existence, and hence, after many misfortunes, +to the cold comfort of the pavement, she ends her days decrepit, +obscure, and unfriended, in the back bed-room of a Soho lodging. + + * * * * * + +GHOSTLESS BOSTON. + +[It is said that the Psychical Society could find no authentic stories +of ghosts in Boston, U.S.A.] + + Not a ghost in bumptious Boston! Do the souls of men whose books, + So they tell us, outshine DICKENS, rise superior to "spooks"? + Do the phantoms, having read them, fly in terror and in pain + At the cult of vivisection of _La belle Américaine_? + HOWELLS puffs up DUDLEY WARNER, who declares his HOWELLS fine. + Do the spectres hate "log-rolling," and to haunt the place decline? + + Are there no ghosts in New England? Really, this is something new. + Where did famous _Rip van Winkle_ see old HUDSON'S phantom crew? + Are the Katskills now unhaunted, where those silent elders bowled, + And _Rip_ brought the keg of liquor, and the awful thunder rolled? + Or do those immortal spectres very wisely count as nought + All the tricks of spirit-rappers and sham readers of our thought? + + Did the Pilgrims of the _Mayflower_, as we must perforce surmise, + Leave ancestral ghosts behind them when they sailed 'neath alien skies? + There is something in the notion, for it was a risky trip, + And a spectre is a nuisance when he gibbers on board ship. + So, no doubt, those sturdy people, when they crossed Atlantic foam, + From an economic motive, left their phantoms all at home. + + Or it may be disembodied spirits, when abroad they walk, + Cannot stand the stucco culture and the egotistic talk; + WARNER may have "lovely manners," HOWELLS swears he has, but then + Ghosts have seen as good in days of stately dames and high-born men; + While a curious nasal accent, just a _soupcon_ of a twang, + May cause spectres of refinement an involuntary pang. + + So it seems the phantoms shun it, be the reason what it may, + Not a single ghost of Boston owns to living there to-day. + Possibly, if we but knew it, an American's too spry, + And he takes his spirit with him when he condescends to die; + Any way the "spooks" have vanished, and the spectres of old time + Only live in cheap romances and the poet's idle rhyme. + + * * * * * + +FORTUNATE AND ECONOMICAL. + +DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS didn't go over to Brussels the other day for +nothing. What he had in his pocket at starting we are not aware, but it +is certain that, while abroad, he collared a tenner, which is to last +him through the ensuing season at Covent Garden. The new tenor's name is +"YBOO." Beautiful name! "Why boo?" Ask _Sir Pertinax Macsycophant_, who +tells us that "boo'ing" (not "for BALFOUR") is the only way to get on in +life. The tenor, if successful, will be able to reply to "Y-BOO" with +the satisfactory answer--"Because I'm called before the Curtain." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.] + +_Jones_ (_nervously conscious that he is interrupting a pleasant +tête-à-tête_). "A--I'M SORRY TO SAY I'VE BEEN TOLD TO TAKE YOU IN TO +SUPPER, MISS BELSIZE!" + + * * * * * + +GRANDOLPH'S LATEST. + + Yes; "one man in his time plays many parts," + But GRANDOLPH posing on a Temperance platform? + Young Tories who so praised their hero's arts + Hardly expected him to show in _that_ form. + He was their Coming Champion; he'd revive + The memories of the mighty days of BEAKY. + Him they could trust to keep the game alive; + Was he not vigorous, various, cool, and cheeky? + GLADSTONE he'd beard, Corruption he would throttle. + And here he stands behind the Water-Bottle! + + As the political Puck he was rare fun, + As young Bellerophon he was a wonder; + He'd see that England had the biggest gun, + He'd end the era of expensive blunder. + E'en as _Jack Sheppard_ collaring GLADSTONE'S "swag," + The Tory-Democratic hosts admired him; + And when he seemed to stumble or to lag, + They swore he'd be "all there"--when they required him. + But _did_ they picture him upon the stump + As the Grand Young Apostle of the Pump? + + He, whose amazing advent was all fire, + Stoop to the leaden level of cold water? + A spectacle indeed to tame and tire + The zeal of his most confident supporter. + What will DUNRAVEN say? Quidnuncs will quiz, + And Balfour-worshippers will smirk and chuckle, + And ask if he considers it "good biz" + To the Teetotal interest to truckle. + They may be right--or wrong, these babblers busy. + They were not _always_ right about BEN DIZZY. + + Meanwhile he poses there as advocate + Of this last panacea of his adoption. + He holds the only way to save the State + Is Temperance, enforced by Local Option. + Spirited Foreign Policy? Anon! + Fiscal Economy? Quite secondary! + All is no use till the Drink-Demon's gone! + BUNG, who so loved him, feels his colour vary; + And, while he perorates to all men's wonder. + Smug WILFRID smiles and whispers, "That's _my_ thunder!" + + * * * + +[Illustration: GRANDOLPH'S LATEST.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +My faithful "Co." has been reading _Marooned_, by Mr. CLARK RUSSELL, an +author who delights in stories of nautical adventure. My worthy follower +declares that the novel, although rather spun out, is full of interest. +He was especially pleased with Mr. CLARK RUSSELL'S anxiety to make his +meaning clear when talking of things maritime. He particularly instances +a passage in Vol. II., page 17. Here it is: "It is proper I should state +here, for the information for those to whom sea-terms are +unintelligible, that a studding-sail-boom is a long smooth spar that +reeves through irons, fixed upon the yard to which it belongs." How +land-lubbers would be able to understand the marine technicalities Mr. +RUSSELL introduces into his stories without explanations such as this, +it would be difficult to say. But with such assistance, a +studding-sail-boom becomes as easy of identification as a marling-spike +lashed to a forecastle spinaker-boom, close hauled aport under trysails, +blowing out like flags from the grips of clew-lines and leech-lines +towards the close of a second dog-watch! Shiver LINDLEY MURRAY'S +timbers! but what can be finer than a bulkhead battened down with the +scandalised main-sail of a top-gallant clipper-rigged halliard! Ah, what +indeed! + +"Co." has also been improving his mind by reading a new edition of Mr. +JOSEPH FOSTER'S _Noble and Gentle Families of Royal Descent_, in which +he has found, amongst other interesting matter, the recently much +discussed pedigree of the Duke of FIFE. Like all Mr. FOSTER'S books of +reference, the two handsome volumes are invaluable to the genealogist, +and no library can be accurately said to be _quite_ complete without +them. + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +DAUBIGNY IN BOND STREET.--Through the organisation of Messrs. BOUSSOD, +VALADON & CO., and the kindness of Mr. JAMES STAATS FORBES, Mr. W. +CUTHBERT QUILTER, Mr. ALEXANDER YOUNG, and other courteous collectors, +we are enabled to enjoy, at the Goupil Gallery, as many as forty-three +works by this distinguished _paysagiste_ of the Barbizon School. Nothing +of the "daub" to be seen here excepting in the first half of the name. +Charming collection. Nice boys they were of the Barbizon School, all in +the best form. _Mr. Punch_ recommends everybody not to neglect to pay an +immediate visit to this superb exhibition. + + * * * * * + +LE KICK-BALLE FIGHT. + + "No definite date has yet been fixed for the football match which is + to take place here between an English and a French eleven, the + latter consisting of pupils from the Lycée Janson de Sailly, but the + preliminary negotiations are still proceeding."--_Letter of Paris + Correspondent._ + +MON CHER MONSIEUR, + +[Illustration:] + +It is with the feelings of _a 'Igh Life-Sporting-Gentlemans_ most +ecstatic and profound, that I find myself preparing "_Le Onze_" of the +great spirited youths of our Lycée, who have, brave-souled heroes, +volunteered to meet on the _véritable champ de bataille_ of the +kicke-legges-match your Public-school-team, who have thrown in their +faces the challenge glove of combat. I say, I am preparing, but this +means, of course, with such modifications of your _Jeu-de-Rugby_ rules, +which, indeed, turn the struggle into _un vrai carnage_, degrading alike +to humanity and civilisation, as will permit the enlightened children of +our great, refined and Republican France, to meet their antagonists not +with the savage antics of Blood-thirsty Cannibals, which seem to +characterise what you term "_le scrimmage_," as practised by your +contending "_'ome-teams_" at _le Hovals_ and other arenas, where meet +and rend each other with the fury unrestrained, terrible and +indescribable of the wild beasts and gladiators of the barbaric Roman +Circus, of ancient times, but with the humanised activity of that +expurgated and refined form of the contest which has enabled the +courageous but reasoning youth of this great reforming and Republic +France of ours, to throw open wide her arms and welcome to her heart +elastic and generous _Le Kick-Balle Fight_, as henceforth her own chosen +and peculiar national game. + +You can understand, _Mon cher Monsieur_, that I cannot, in the short +space at my disposal in this limited letter, do more than merely outline +the suggestion of the New Rules, but when I assure you that they have +been cautiously thought out, drawn up and revised by a carefully +selected Committee, comprising, among other noted experts, a +Major-General of Engineers, two Analytical Chemists, a Balloon +Proprietor, an Archbishop, a Wild-beast Tamer, a Ballet Master, a +Professor of Anatomy, a Patent Artificial Limb Maker, and a Champion +Fighter of _Le Boxe Americain_, you will see that the features of the +game, gay, murderous, active, and terrible, have all been considered +with a due regard to their preservation where this has been found +compatible with the sacredness of human life and the protection of _le +shin_ from too much furious and brutal bruising. But here I subjoin a +few of the simpler "New Provisions" as adopted by the Committee. + +1. "Le Balle."--He will be constructed of Gold-beater's Skin, and +covered with Pink or Blue Satin, with perhaps a few White Silk Bows, +sewn on to him for the purpose of elegant adornment. It is this making +of "Le Balle," a light, gay, and altogether ethereal creation which will +strike the key-note of the new game of _Le Kick-Balle Fight_ as a +recognised pastime for the courageous youth of modern France. + +2. _Le Onze_, will all wear one uniform, which will consist of white +satin slippers, pantalons of cashmere, with feather pillows worn as a +protection strapped over the knees, a bolster being wound round the body +to safeguard the chest, ribs, and spinal column. A broad gay, coloured +satin sash with a cocked hat and ostrich feathers completes the costume. +The last to indicate, owing to the risks and dangers in which the +combatants may be involved, its association with _le vrai champs de +bataille_, to which, but for the "new provisions" it would bear such a +terrible and striking resemblance. + +3. "Le 'Arf-back."--This dangerous officer is abolished altogether, the +Committee being of opinion, unanimous and decisive, that the position is +only provocative of strife. + +4. "Le Forward."--He is for the same reason equally abolished, and in +the French game exists no more. + +5. "Le Goal-keepere."--He may keep "Le Goal" if he can do so without +danger of being struck in the face with "Le Balle." + +6. "Le Balle" must, on no account, be touched with the foot, but merely +slapped playfully, enough for the purposes of propulsion, with the palm +of the open hand. + +7. "Le Scrimmage." This barbarous and savage entanglement is absolutely +_défendu_. No two opposing combatants must ever, under any +circumstances, permit themselves to touch each other. The great skill of +the new game will be, by subtle and appropriate gesticulation, to dance +out of each other's way. On any two opposing combatants, by any chance, +touching each other, "Le Capitaine" of either side will appeal to the +Umpire, and, after the manner of "Le jeu de Cricket," will propose for +him the simple question, "Mister Umpire, 'ow is that?" Upon which, that +official saying "Out!" the two offenders will be struck from the game, +and enjoy no share of "Le gate-money," if that is the prize for which +the two teams are honourably contending. + +The above, _Mon cher Monsieur_, are the principal Rules, as arranged by +the Committee, and you will see that they have been drawn up with a view +to eliminating the bloodthirsty _boule-dogue_ ferocity from a pastime +which, under the title of _Le Kick-Balle Fight_, bids fair to become the +characteristic sport, gay, active, and courage-inspiring, of our modern +French youth awakened with _élan_ and ardour to the athletic spirit of +the age which has overtaken them. + +Receive, _Mon cher Monsieur_, the assurance of my most distinguished +consideration, + + Le Heads-Masterre of the Lycée Janson de Sailly. + + * * * * * + +THE FARTHING NOVEL SERIES. + +Now that the entire works of the late WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE can be +purchased (allowing for discount) for fourpence-halfpenny, it seems +strange that no publisher has issued the more celebrated of our romances +at the rate per volume of the smallest coin of the realm. That it can be +done will be obvious to the meanest comprehension. All that is required +is brevity and intelligibility. It is only necessary to give an outline +of the story--the sketchier the better. If a little "local colouring" +can be thrown in, no harm will be done. But that local colouring must be +distinctly modern. Again, if sentiments calculated to be popular with +the class by whom the series is likely to be purchased are introduced, a +distinct gain will be the consequence. But as an example is better than +pages of description, a sample is subjoined:-- + + IVANHOE; + +_Or, The Disguised Knight, the Distressed Jewess, and the Templar who +did not Behave like a Gentleman._ + + CHAPTER I. + +"You are very welcome," said CEDRIC the Saxon, for the fifth time, as +Sir BRIAN DE BOIS-GILBERT took down the Fair ROWENA to supper. "As for +you, WILFRID the Pilgrim, sit below the salt, and, Sir Seneschal, keep +your eyes upon the horn spoons." + +"And this is the curse of the land," murmured the heir, as he helped +himself to plum-pasty, the forerunner of plum-pudding. "It is this +haughtiness that causes our yeomen to strike, and makes ROBIN HOOD, +Friar TUCK, and the rest of his merry men possible!" + + CHAPTER II. + +The next day joined in the tournament. It was a grand sight. The horses +pranced, the plumes flowed in the wind. The refreshments were executed +by contract, at so much a head, by a body of adventurers, who had +combined together to keep down prices. + +"Nay, beshrew thee, man!" exclaimed JOHN, the Smith, to THOMAS the +Jones--a contraction of joiner. "It is these +combinations--co-operations, as Sir EVANS, the Clerk at the church over +yonder hath it--that ruin trade." Before THOMAS the Jones or joiner +could reply, there was a crash, and it was known that Sir BRIAN had been +overcome by a Knight who had no crest. + +"He does not deserve to win," said a Herald to a Pursuivant--"defrauding +us of our fees! No coat-of-arms; no pedigree! It is simply disgraceful." + +"Ay, and so it is," replied the under-officers of the College of Arms. +"But see yonder is ISAAC of YORK the Jew. Join me in a bond, and we will +avail ourselves of his usury." And within twenty-four hours the two +gentles had borrowed one-and-sevenpence-halfpenny! + + CHAPTER III. + +In the meanwhile Sir BRIAN had carried off REBECCA, been slain, and +disposed of. + + CHAPTER IV. + +Then there was a magnificent wedding, as WILFRID of Ivanhoe, no longer +the disowned, but the heir to estates belonging to a highly respectable +county family led his bride to the altar. + +"Methinks she takes the cake," whispered WAMBA the Jester. + +"Not until after the breakfast," replied RICHARD COEUR DE LION, +throwing off his disguise as the Nameless Knight, and appearing in the +full costume of a monarch. + +"Long live the King!" shouted the populace. + +"You are right to utter that wish," returned His Majesty, "so long as I +reign without attempting to govern. Believe me, it is better to have +universal suffrage than a despot who may be at once cruel and +incompetent." + +"In fact, an idiot," put in a reporter, who was doing the ceremony for a +local record. + +"Quite so," acquiesced the Monarch; and then, turning to the +newly-married pair, he observed, "Bless you, my children! Mark me, I +order you to live in happiness for ever afterwards." + +And IVANHOE and his bride obeyed the royal command. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration:] + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TORY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 17._--"Better be in your place +early," said CHAPLIN, passing me as he marched with long strides across +resounding corridor. + +"Yes, I know. OLD MORALITY'S going to say what Government will do about +PARNELL Commission's Report; everybody anxious to know." + +"It's not that, dear boy, not that," said our new Minister, in +compassionate tone. "I have two questions to answer. First time, don't +you know; everybody dying to see how it goes off; warrant you they +shan't be disappointed." + +COBB the Curious came on with first interrogatory. All about fox-hunting +and fox-hunters. Pretty to see COBB, having submitted his question under +ten sub-heads, place hands on knees and fix Minister with steady stare. +CHAPLIN advanced to table with graceful carriage and confident bearing; +produced with imposing flourish a sheaf of notes, foolscap size, stoutly +sewn, apparently exceeding a dozen in number; began to read with +practised elocutionary art; drew the covert, "so to speak," as T. W. +RUSSELL protests he said when telling the men of Manchester that WILLIAM +O'BRIEN must be taken by the throat. No draw; went to next covert--I +mean turned over another folio. House began to murmur; CHAPLIN, +accepting involuntary applause, read on with increased impressiveness +and complacency; murmurs grew into shout. At view-halloa! fox started; +fifth folio now reached; only seven more to read. CHAPLIN began to wish +GOSCHEN or OLD MORALITY would go and fetch him glass of water. Cries +from crowd grew louder. At last CHAPLIN, looking up, beheld, through +astonished glasses, Opposition indulging in roar of contumely. Wouldn't +have taken him more than quarter of an hour or twenty minutes to finish +his few remarks, and yet a lot of miserable Members who didn't know a +fox from a hare wouldn't let him go on! Struggled gallantly for some +minutes; at last sat down; whole pages of his answer unrecited. + +[Illustration: The Inquiring Cobb.] + +Speeches all night in continued Debate on the Address. PARNELL has moved +Amendment arraigning BALFOUR'S administration in Ireland. WILLIAM +O'BRIEN, chancing to be out of prison, looks in and delivers fiery +harangue in support of Amendment. But yesterday, BALFOUR, his gaoler; +ordered his food; not too much of it and not full variety; fixed his +hours of going to bed and getting up. Now prison-doors opened by lapse +of time; O'BRIEN walks out through Westminster Hall into House of +Commons; stands before SPEAKER on equal terms with his whilom gaoler, +and scolds him magnificently. By-and-by BALFOUR will probably have his +turn again, and O'BRIEN will be eating and drinking the bread and water +of affliction. Meanwhile, storms at top of his voice, beats the air with +long lean arm and clenched hand, and makes dumb dogs of English Members +sad with musing on the inequalities of fortune, which has given these +Irishmen the great gift of pointedly saying what they have at heart. + +_Business done._--Debate on Address. + +_Tuesday._--"Well," said THOMAS BAYLEY POTTER, sinking slowly into +corner seat, grateful to find that PETER O'BRIEN was his neighbour, for +PETER finds it possible to pack himself into a limited space and THOMAS +BAYLEY'S proportions are roomy--"well it _is_ nice to see how these old +colleagues love one another. Come next April, I have sat in House man +and boy for twenty-five years. Have found that on some pretext, on one +occasion or another, they are always at it, scratching each other's +face, pulling one another's hair, or stabbing each other in the back. +Why don't they all join the Cobden Club, sink minor differences, and be +friends ever after?" + +[Illustration: The Cobden Club.] + +As THOMAS BAYLEY thus mused, he gazed across Gangway on to Front +Opposition Bench. An interesting incident developing. HENRY JAMES on his +legs (generally on one) opposing PARNELL'S Amendment to Address. He +stands between the outstretched legs of his two dear and right hon. +friends, GLADSTONE and JOHN MORLEY. Just beyond JOHN MORLEY, TREVELYAN +sits. At the other side of GLADSTONE, HARCOURT towers, toying with the +gracious folds of his massive chin, looking straight before him with +sphynx-like gaze. According to etiquette and usage, JAMES should be +addressing the Chair; but his back is turned to SPEAKER. He faces half +round to Front Opposition Bench, and, with left foot clasped round right +ankle, elbow of right arm leaning on box, and clenched left hand +swinging to and fro in perilous proximity to a grand old proboscis, he +literally drives home his argument. House may listen, if it pleases, +like crowd closing in on street squabble; HENRY JAMES is having it out +with his old friends and Leader; professing fullest respect, and even +reverence for his right hon. friend the Member for Midlothian, but at +same time showing how utterly, hopelessly wrong he and his have gone +since his former Solicitor-General parted company. + +HARCOURT, a little out of it, sits and ponders, possibly thinking of the +days when he was plain Mr. VERNON HARCOURT, and, seated below the +Gangway, used, in company with his young friend, Mr. HENRY JAMES, to bait +GLADSTONE, then on Treasury Bench, hastening to the catastrophe of 1874. + +"Makes me feel quite old," said THOMAS BAYLEY POTTER, dexterously +appropriating another half-inch of the space that rightfully belonged to +PETER O'BRIEN. "Seems but yesterday that HARCOURT and JAMES were in the +running, one for Attorney-General, the other Solicitor-General. But +getting it, having got it, or having abandoned it, seems all to lead to +the same end--the worrying of the Grand Old Man." + +_Business done._--PARNELL'S Amendment to Address negatived by 307 Votes +against 240. + +_Wednesday._--LYCIDAS is dead--dead in his prime! It was this very +morning, in the earliest moments of its birth, that I watched JOSEPH +GILLIS walking up the floor shoulder to shoulder with old friend DICK +POWER, "telling" in division on PARNELL'S Amendment to Address. Beaten, +of course, but majority diminished, and JOEY beamed as he walked across +Lobby towards Cloak-Room. Rather a sickly beam, compared with wild +lights that used to flash from his eyes in the old times, when majority +against Home Rule was a great deal more than 67. + +"Yes, I _am_ a little tired, TOBY, dear boy," he said. "These dull +sittings and early adjournments don't suit me. I was better and stronger +in the old times, when we used to sit up all night and fight all day. +Remember thirteen years ago, when I slept for an hour on two chairs in +the Library? Returned to House at five in morning; found them all +looking jaded and worn; cheered them up by saying I'd come back like a +giant refreshed. Well, I'll go home now, have a good sleep, be all right +in the morning." + +And when we are gathered in House for Wednesday's sitting we learn that +all is right indeed, and that poor old JOEY B. lies quiet, with face +upturned, in his alien lodgings off Clapham Common. + +He would be surprised if he knew with what warm and sincere feeling his +sudden taking-off is mourned. At the time he spoke of, thirteen years +back, he was certainly the most abhorred person on the premises, and +gleefully chuckled over consciousness of the fact. But the House, with +nearer knowledge, learned to recognise his sterling qualities, and now, +when Death rounds off with tragic touch the comicalities of his public +life, everyone has a kindly word to say for JOSEPH GILLIS. + +_Business done._--Debate on Address. + +_Thursday._--"Curious," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, "how habits ingrained +in early life, born in the blood as it were, come out at chance times. +Here's OLD MORALITY been for a generation practically divorced from +business affairs in the Strand, and yet look at him now, and listen to +him!" + +Strange transmogrification truly. Arose on question put by HUNTER as to +when the ten volumes of evidence, upon which Report of Special Committee +founded, would be on the bookstalls. OLD MORALITY at the table in a +moment, his manner brisk yet deferential, his hands involuntarily +wandering over the books and papers scattered about, as if he were +looking for special edition someone on other side of counter had asked +for. + +"The Evidence," he said, "given before the Special Commission occupies +eleven volumes, consisting of the Evidence and Appendix, and they will +probably be followed by a twelfth volume containing Index matter. We +trust that the first eleven volumes will be ready for delivery to +customers before the 1st of March." + +[Illustration: District Councils.] + +PETER O'BRIEN, not yet expanded since compressed by contiguity of THOMAS +BAYLEY POTTER, asked whether complete copies of the evidence would be +supplied to other persons incriminated, but not being Members of the +House? OLD MORALITY at the counter again; the old Adam in him stronger +than ever. Here was a pretty proposal! Bound to supply this interesting +work gratuitously to Members of Parliament; to go beyond that most +unbusinesslike. + +"No, Sir," he said, firmly; "it is open to other persons to obtain the +volumes by purchase." + +House roared with laughter, turned delighted from this little comedy to +face the gloomy prospect of STANSFELD on District Councils. + +_Business done._--Still harping on Address. + +_Friday Night._--"Strange," said J. A. PICTON, slowly rubbing his brawny +hands, "how in our ashes live our wonted fires." + +Dwelt amongst dead ashes all week; dreary dulness. To-night, in very +last hour of week, Debate suddenly flashes forth in brilliant flame, +worthy of old traditions. CHAMBERLAIN, with his back to the wall, faced +and flanked by jeering, scornful, angry Liberals. Explains why he's +going to vote with Government against demand for Free Education. A +tough, dialectical job, requiring skill, temper, courage. CHAMBERLAIN +displays each quality. Cool, collected, master of the situation, deftly +warding off thundering blows, and now and then changing, with swift +action, from defensive to offensive. A pretty sight, worth waiting a +week for. + +_Business done._--ACLAND'S Motion for Free Education rejected by 223 +Votes against 163. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: "THE MISS!" + +_Gillie._ "EH, MON! BUT IT'S FORTUNATE THERE'S BEEF IN ABERDEEN!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE KENT COAL HOLE. + +Finding Coal in the Channel Tunnel Works. Rush of delighted S.E.R. +Shareholders to Shakspeare's Cliff.] + + * * * * * + +SONG FOR MR. STANSFELD, M.P. + +(_Adapted from Mr. J. L. Toole's "Speaker's Eye"._) + +_Refrain._ + + In Eyer-land I used to try, + But I never could catch a P'leeceman's eye. + I never could catch---- [_Whistles._ + + _Chorus of Members, led by the Speaker._ + + He never could catch---- + + _Mr. Stansfeld and Chorus ensemble._ + + I } never could catch the P'leeceman's eye. + He} + +Copies should be on sale in the House, with an illustration by Mr. FRANK +LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P. + + * * * * * + +Forthcoming Book, a "Standard" Work (in the Press), New Edition of +_Allsopp's Fables_. N.B.--This volume will contain two extra Fables, +illustrating the proverb of "Allsopps to Cerberus," and "There's many a +slip between the mug and the Hind-lip." Many novel pints will be +introduced. + + * * * * * + +"FESTINA LENTE."--Get through Lent festively. + + * * * * * + + NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., + Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no + case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and + Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +98, March 1, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MARCH 1, 1890 *** + +***** This file should be named 29992-8.txt or 29992-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/9/9/29992/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, March 1, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 14, 2009 [EBook #29992] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MARCH 1, 1890 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOLUME 98.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>MARCH 1, 1890.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> + +<h2>UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS.</h2> + +<blockquote>"Très volontiers," repartit le démon. "Vous aimez les tableaux changeans: je veux vous contenter."<br /> +<br /> +<i>Le Diable Boiteux.</i></blockquote> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/097a.png"> +<img src="images/097a.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<h4>XXI.</h4> +<div class="poem1"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Though cold the coxcomb, and though coarse the boor,</p> +<p class="i0">Though dulness haunts the rich and pain the poor,</p> +<p class="i4">In this colossal city,</p> +<p class="i0">Yet London is not Rome, O Shade!" I said.</p> +<p class="i0">"A later <span class="smcap">Juvenal</span> should not find her dead</p> +<p class="i4">To purity and pity."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Satire, of shames and follies in sole quest,</p> +<p class="i0">Is a one-eyed divinity at best,"</p> +<p class="i4">My guide responded, slowly.</p> +<p class="i0">"The tale of <span class="smcap">Zoïlus</span> hath its moral still.</p> +<p class="i0">Such critics are but blowflies, their small skill</p> +<p class="i4">To carrion given wholly.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Not all the Romans of <span class="smcap">Domitian</span>'s days</p> +<p class="i0">Were such as live in <span class="smcap">Juvenal</span>'s savage lays;</p> +<p class="i4">Not all the Latian ladies</p> +<p class="i0">Were <span class="smcap">Hippias</span> or <span class="smcap">Collatias</span>. Neither here</p> +<p class="i0">May all be gauged by satire's rule severe,</p> +<p class="i4">Or earth would be a Hades.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"The scalpel hath no terrors for the sound,</p> +<p class="i0">Nor is the hand that wields it harshly bound</p> +<p class="i4">To ceaseless vivisection.</p> +<p class="i0">The Cynic sharply sees, but sees not far;</p> +<p class="i0">The eye that hunts the mote may miss the star</p> +<p class="i4">Too great for scorn's detection.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Dream not, oh friend, because I let the light</p> +<p class="i0">On lurid London through the cloak of night</p> +<p class="i4">(As was my undertaking.)</p> +<p class="i0">That I've a spirit wholly given to scorn,</p> +<p class="i0">Or blind to all, save sin, that with the morn</p> +<p class="i4">Will see a bright awaking.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Yet could the freedman's son but wield his flail</p> +<p class="i0">In London, there are those might shrink and pale</p> +<p class="i4">As did <span class="smcap">Domitian's</span> minion.</p> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Paris</span> lives yet, pander and parasite</p> +<p class="i0">Still flaunt in bold impunity, despite</p> +<p class="i4">A custom-freed opinion.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Dull in the drawing-room, our beardless boys</p> +<p class="i0">Can sparkle in the haunts of coarser joys,</p> +<p class="i4">Coldness and muteness vanish</p> +<p class="i0">When <span class="smcap">Tullia</span> dances or when <span class="smcap">Pollio</span> sings.</p> +<p class="i0">With riotous applause the precinct rings,</p> +<p class="i4">There chill restraint they banish.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Behold Lord <span class="smcap">Limpet</span> in his gilded Box,</p> +<p class="i0">His well-gloved palms and scarlet silken socks</p> +<p class="i4">Actively agitated;</p> +<p class="i0">He who erewhile about the ball-room stood</p> +<p class="i0">A solemn, weary, whispering thing of wood,</p> +<p class="i4">And sneered, and yawned, and waited."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Wondrous!" I cried. "The youngster's cheeks flush red,</p> +<p class="i0">Wide laugh his lips, and swiftly wags his head,</p> +<p class="i4">He cheers, he claps, he chuckles.</p> +<p class="i0">Can he, the languid lounger limp and faint</p> +<p class="i0">Give way to mirth with the mad unrestraint</p> +<p class="i4">Of boys with ribs and knuckles?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Frankly <i>canaille</i> is that dancing chit</p> +<p class="i0">Slang and suggestiveness serve her for wit,</p> +<p class="i4">And impudence for beauty.</p> +<p class="i0">Yet frigid 'Form' melts at her cockney spell,</p> +<p class="i0">'Form,' which votes valsing with the reigning belle</p> +<p class="i4">An undelightful duty.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Bounds on the arch-buffoon, with flexile face,</p> +<p class="i0">With bagman smartness and batrachian grace.</p> +<p class="i4">Is he not sweet and winning?</p> +<p class="i0">Mime of the gutter, mimic of the slum,</p> +<p class="i0">Muse of the haunts unspeakable, else dumb,</p> +<p class="i4">A satyr gross and grinning?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Limpet</span> smiled," he said. "<span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> boldest wit</p> +<p class="i0">Leaves <span class="smcap">Limpet</span> listless, but each feature lit</p> +<p class="i4">At that last comic chorus.</p> +<p class="i0">London is full of <span class="smcap">Limpets</span>; clownings please</p> +<p class="i0">The well-groom'd mob, though <span class="smcap">Aristophanes</span></p> +<p class="i4">Would miserably bore us.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Untile the Town entirely? Nay, good friend,</p> +<p class="i0">That were to affright the timid, and offend</p> +<p class="i4">The tender and the trustful.</p> +<p class="i0">Unlifted yet must lie the dusky screen</p> +<p class="i0">That veils the viler features of the scene,</p> +<p class="i4">The dread and the disgustful."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Shadow!" I said, "Civilisation fails,</p> +<p class="i0">While surfeits Idleness, and Labour pales.</p> +<p class="i4">For all its spread and glitter,</p> +<p class="i0">The Titan City lacks its crowning grace</p> +<p class="i0">And glory, whilst its pleasure is so base,</p> +<p class="i4">Its bondage is so bitter."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"True!" sighed the Shadow, and a softened smile</p> +<p class="i0">Seemed to illume the coldness, void of guile,</p> +<p class="i4">Of those phantasmal features.</p> +<p class="i0">"When from the City's gloom shall flash to light</p> +<p class="i0">This truth: The sleek and selfish sybarite</p> +<p class="i4">Is meanest of God's creatures?"</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Shadow!" I cried. But in the darkness dim</p> +<p class="i0">Those lineaments did waver and dislimn</p> +<p class="i4">Like clouds at the sun's waking.</p> +<p class="i0">Alone I stood; fled was the night, the dream,</p> +<p class="i0">And o'er the sleeping City's sullen stream</p> +<p class="i4">Babylon's grey dawn was breaking.</p> +</div></div> + +<center><span class="smcap">The End.</span></center> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Diag-nose-is of Wine.</span>—The Case of Champagne set before Mr. Alderman +and Sheriff <span class="smcap">Davies</span>. Of course, the worthy Alderman, who is a judge of +wine, needed only to raise the glass to his nose. He smelt it to see if +it was Corke'd. But in answer to the charge of false labelling, it +should have been simply pleaded that, at the manufactory, the labels +were not simply put on, but Clapt-on. Whether this defence would have +gone to mitigate the fine of twenty pounds, is another matter. The +Alderman's decision was given, much as the public generally pay for +Champagne,—good or bad,—that is, "through the nose."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE CHAMELEON "REPORT".</h2> + +<center><i>Entirely New Version.</i><br /><br /> + +("The bearings of it lie in the application,"—to a certain Report.)</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Time to the eager seems to lag,</p> +<p class="i2">Howe'er his glass be shaken;</p> +<p class="i0">Yet struck the hour when from the bag</p> +<p class="i2">The Creature should be taken.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Three Judges sage had cooped it there</p> +<p class="i0">Three Judges wise, three Judges fair,</p> +<p class="i0">At him Society will ejaculate</p> +<p class="i0">Who hints a Judge is <i>not</i> immaculate.</p> +<p class="i0">The Judge's ermine none dares dim</p> +<p class="i0">(Unless the Judge differs from <i>him</i>).</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Now men discussed, with glee or dolour,</p> +<p class="i0">The question of the Creature's colour.</p> +<p class="i0">"Black as my hat," cries one, "<i>I</i> know."</p> +<p class="i0">"Nay!" shouts another, "white as snow!"</p> +<p class="i0">Whether the thing revealed should prove</p> +<p class="i0">To ape the Raven or the Dove,</p> +<p class="i0">Was matter of dispute most furious;</p> +<p class="i0">Angry were most, and all were curious.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">At last arrived the eventful day</p> +<p class="i2">When from the bag the thing must crawl,</p> +<p class="i0">And lo! the Creature's tint was <i>grey</i>,</p> +<p class="i6">Which disappointed all.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">But though Truth brings a brief confusion</p> +<p class="i0">To obstinate foregone conclusion,</p> +<p class="i0">Prejudice, routed most dis<i>mally</i>,</p> +<p class="i0">Will quickly to Unreason rally.</p> +<p class="i0">And so the one side would remark</p> +<p class="i0">That for a grey 'twas wondrous <i>dark</i>;</p> +<p class="i0">The other side did more than hint</p> +<p class="i0"><i>They</i> never saw so <i>light</i> a tint;</p> +<p class="i0">"Deep iron-grey!" said one, "Oh, stuff!"</p> +<p class="i0">Another cried at most a buff!</p> +<p class="i0">"In tint below, in hue above,</p> +<p class="i0">'Tis little deeper than a Dove!</p> +<p class="i0">In fact, looked at in a strong light,</p> +<p class="i0">'Tis scarce distinguishable from white!"</p> +<p class="i0">"<i>White!</i>" yelled a third, with rage half</p> +<p class="i0">throttled,</p> +<p class="i0">"With jet-black streaks 'tis thickly mottled.</p> +<p class="i0">If not pure Raven, all must own</p> +<p class="i0">No Magpie hath a sootier tone!"</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And so the rival parties raged and wrangled;</p> +<p class="i0">Judgment considered whilst the bigots jangled,</p> +<p class="i0">And the great bulk of <i>them</i> 'twas sad to find,</p> +<p class="i0">Wore party-coloured specs., or else were colour-blind!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<h4>GARRICK THEATRE.</h4> +<a href="images/097b.png"> +<img src="images/097b.png" width="100%" alt="GARRICK THEATRE." /></a> +<p>The Hare Apparent in a New Pair of Spectacles.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/098.png"> +<img src="images/098.png" width="100%" alt="ALL FOR THE SAKE OF THE ARMY" /></a> +<h4>ONLY A DROP!</h4> +<p><i>Shareholder.</i> "<span class="smcap">Hallo! I don't seem to be getting much out of this! +What's the Matter</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Standard.</i> "<span class="smcap">Matter? There's a Leakage somewhere</span>!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> + +<h2>ALL FOR THE SAKE OF THE ARMY!</h2> + +<center><i>From Mr. C. Bounder to Mr. T. Tenterfive.</i></center> + +<p>Dear Tommy,—I say, can't you give me a leg up, to get the Government to +adopt my confounded pop-guns? The foreigners don't seem to see them +much, and, hang it all! a true-hearted Johnnie should give his native +land the first chance.</p> + +<p class="regards">Thine ever,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Charles Bounder</span>.</p> + +<center><i>From Mr. T. Tenterfive to Mr. C. Bounder.</i></center> + +<p>Dear Charley,—I'm afraid I'm not of much use. Send in application about +your pop-guns, and I will look after it as much as can. You mustn't +expect much, as the Department has a way of knocking a thing about for +months—sometimes years—and then quietly shelving it. Hope to see you +soon.</p> + +<p class="regards">Thine ever,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Thomas Tenterfive</span>.</p> + +<center><i>Report of Ordnance Committee, to be forwarded to the Adjutant-General.</i></center> + +<p>We have examined the Bounder Patent Ironclad Pocket Revolving +Cannonette, and consider it a weapon that might possibly be introduced +into the Service with advantage, if the cost of production is not +excessive.</p> + +<center><i>Report of Adjutant-General, to be forwarded to Quartermaster-General.</i></center> + +<p>I enclose report of Ordnance Committee of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> which I approve. However, as +the matter involves a financial question, your opinion thereon would be +of great value.</p> + +<center><i>Report of the Quartermaster-Gen., to be forwarded to Inspector-Gen. of +Fortifications.</i></center> + +<p><span class="smcap">Can</span> offer no suggestion about the cost of production until it can be +ascertained whether the Cannonette will be suitable for Home Defences. +What is your opinion on this point?</p> + +<center><i>Report of Inspector-General of Fortifications, to be forwarded to +Secretary of State.</i></center> + +<p>No doubt the Cannonette might be used in a variety of ways. But it will +be observed that the Ordnance Committee raised the question of +expense—a matter that scarcely concerns my Department.</p> + +<center><i>Memo. of Secretary of State, to be forwarded to Financial Secretary.</i></center> + +<p><span class="smcap">Please</span> read inclosed Report, and send on.</p> + +<center><i>Report of Financial Secretary, to be forwarded to the Director-General +of Ordnance.</i></center> + +<p>It is premature to consider the question of expense until it has been +decided that the introduction of this Cannonette will be of advantage to +the Service. The Ordnance Committee use the words, "Might possibly," +which are not, in themselves, a strong recommendation. It must be borne +in mind that the Army Estimates must be calculated with the greatest +attention to economy.</p> + +<center><i>Report of Director-General of Ordnance to Commander-in-Chief.</i></center> + +<p><span class="smcap">I have</span> examined Cannonette, which appears to have been constructed on +the lines of a weapon manufactured in the reign of <span class="smcap">Henry the Eighth</span>, of +which there is a specimen in the Museum at Woolwich.</p> + +<p><i>Endorsement of Commander-in-Chief. (Packet to be put in Pigeon-hole</i> +404,567 B.)</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Possibly</span> something in the notion—immediate attention unnecessary.</p> + +<center><i>From Mr. T. Tenterfive to Mr. C. Bounder.</i></center> + +<p>Dear Charley,—Have just been looking through our papers relative to +your pop-gun. I am afraid you will have to wait for a decision a good +long while.</p> + +<p class="regards">Thine ever,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Thomas Tenterfive</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/099.png"> +<img src="images/099.png" width="100%" alt="DISILLUSION" /></a> +<h4>DISILLUSION.</h4> +<p><i>Proud Mother.</i> "<span class="smcap">I see, Herbert, 'S.P.G.' several times occurring among +your Expenses. I'm glad to find you can spare something occasionally for +that excellent Society</span>."</p> +<p><i>Schoolboy.</i> "<span class="smcap">It's not exactly that, Mummy dear. It stands for +<i>'Sundries—probably Grub</i></span>!'"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ANOTHER OF ROBERT'S XSTRORNERRY ADWENCHURS.</h2> + +<p>It was ony the beginnin of larst week, as I was a seekin to begile my +rayther tiresum lezzure by a wark down Cornhill—tho which is hup and +which is down that rayther strait hill it is sumtimes difficult to +say—that jest as I was a passing by the, to me, amost sacred +establishment of Messrs. <span class="smcap">Bring and Rhymer</span>, the great Cooks, as amost +everybody knos and reweres, I seed a henwellop a laying on the +pavement, which I naterally picked up, and put in my pocket quietly, and +then, crossing over to the Royal Xchange, jest hoppersit, I sets down on +one of the forms kindly purwided by the generus Copperashun and the +Mersers Company, six of one, and arf a dozzen of the other, for the rest +of the weary traveller.</p> + +<p>Then I quietly hopened my henwellop—which, strange to say, hadn't no +name on it—and hinside it I found a check for twenty-five pounds! It +was payable to "No. 2,437, or Bearer." I was that estonished that I +amost thort I shoud have feinted, the more so as won of the Beedles was +a looking at me rayther pointedly, as I thort, tho I dessay it was ony +my gilty conshence, which, as sumboddy says, makes cowards of ewen Hed +Waiters, as well as all the rest of us. So I quietly put my henwellop +with its corstly contents into my pocket, and quietly warked away bang +into the Bank as was printed in the check, and there I hands it to the +Clark at the Counter as bold as brass. Well, he jest looks at it, and +then he says, "How will you take it,—short?" So I larfs, and I says, "I +shood like it all, please." Then he larfs, and he says, "Gold or Notes?" +So I says, "Sum of each, please, in a little bag." So he gave it me, and +then, I so astonishes his week nerves by what I next said, that he +turned amost pail. "I now wants you," I sed, "to send one of your yung +gennelmen with me to the Firm as drawed that check; for it isn't reelly +mine, for I ony found it!" So he did, as it was ony a little ways off; +and there, sure enuff, was too most respectful looking Gents in a +counting-'ouse a counting out their money, like the King in the Fairy +Tail.</p> + +<p>"Well, my good man, and what do you want?" one of 'em said to me. So I +told 'em, and at the close of my story emtied out all the contents of my +little bag to the werry uttermost harf sovverain. "And, who is this +gennelman?" they said. "Oh," said I, "he is the Clark from the Bank cum +for to see that I acted on the square." "Well, you needn't wait any +longer," they said to him; so off he went.</p> + +<p>So the elder one, he says to me, what is your name? <span class="smcap">Robert</span>," I +naterally replied, and amost xpected he was a going to arsk me, "who +gave me that name," but he didn't. So he larfed, and he said, "But there +are so many of that name about, that you must tell me somethink more." +So I plucked up my curridge, and I says, boldly, "Please, Gennelmen, I +am <span class="smcap">Robert</span> the City Waiter!" Well, I thinks as I never seed such a change +as cum over them too highly respectabel City Gents! They larfed quite +out loud, and they both got up and shook hands with me, and then they +larfed again, and then one on 'em said, what a lucky thing it was that +their lost check had fallen into sich honnest hands! Ah, what a grand +thing is a good karacter!—it's even better than reel Turtel and +Madeary!</p> + +<p>They then made me set down, and they larfed, and they chatted away, and +arsked me lots of questions, all about my warious experiences, and the +young one arsked me if I rememberd the dinner at the Manshun 'Ouse, when +he asked me for sum more champane, saying, "I 'spose it is <i>had lib</i>?" +To which, he said, I replied, "Suttenly not! you can have as much as you +like!" And then they both larfed again quite hartily, tho' I'm sure I +coudn't see what there was to larf at.</p> + +<p>They then arsked me jest to step out for a minnit or two, and when they +called me in they told me how pleased they was with my conduck, and, if +not offending me, they begged my acceptnse of a trifle, which shall be +nameless, but which made that memmurable day about the most +proffitablest I ewer remember.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Robert.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.</h2> + +<center>No. VII.-RECLAIMED! (<span class="smcap">Concluded.</span>)</center> + +<blockquote><p>[Our readers will doubtless recollect the thrilling situation upon +which we were forced to drop the curtain. Lady <span class="smcap">Belledame</span>, the +hardened Grandmother of Little <span class="smcap">Elfie</span>, has, under the influence of +that angel-child, just vowed to amend, when, in the person of her +minion, <span class="smcap">Monkshood</span>, she is reminded of the series of atrocious crimes +she had been contemplating through his instrumentality. Struck with +remorse, she attempts to countermand them—only to find that her +orders have already been executed with a too punctual fidelity! Now +we can go on.]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/100.png"> +<img src="images/100.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> (<i>in a hoarse whisper</i>). You—you have left the parcels ... +all—<i>all</i>? Tell me—how were they received? Speak low—I would not that +yonder child should awake and hear!</p> + +<p><i>Little Elfie</i> (<i>behind the screen, very wide awake indeed</i>). Dear, good +old Grannie—she would conceal her generosity—even from <i>me</i>! +(<i>Loudly.</i>) She little thinks that I am overhearing all!</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> I could have sworn I heard whispering.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Nay, you are mistaken—'twas but the wind in the old wainscot. +(<i>Aside.</i>) He is quite capable of destroying that innocent child; but, +old and attached servant as he is, there are liberties I still know how +to forbid. (<i>To</i> M.) Your story—quick!</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> First, I delivered the cigars to Sir <span class="smcap">Vevey Long</span>, whom I found +under his verandah. He seemed surprised and gratified by the gift, +selected a weed, and was proceeding to light it, whilst he showed a +desire to converse familiarly with me. 'Astily excusing myself, I drove +away, when——</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> When <i>what</i>? Do not torture a wretched old woman!</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> When I heard a loud report behind me, and, in the portion of a +brace, two waistcoat-buttons, and half a slipper, which hurtled past my +ears, I recognised all that was mortal of the late Sir <span class="smcap">Vevey</span>. You mixed +them cigars uncommon strong, m'Lady.</p> + +<p><i>Elfie</i> (<i>aside</i>). Can it be? But no, no. I will <i>not</i> believe it. I am +sure that dear Granny meant no harm!</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> (<i>with a grim pride she cannot wholly repress</i>). I have +devoted some study to the subject of explosives. 'Tis another triumph to +the Anti-tobacconists. And what of Lady <span class="smcap">Violet Powdray</span>—did she apply +the salve?</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> Judging from the 'eartrending 'owls which proceeded from +Carmine Cottage, the salve was producing the desired result. Her +Ladyship, 'owever, terminated her sufferings somewhat prematoor by +jumping out of a top winder just as I was taking my departure——</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> She should have died hereafter—but no matter ... and the +Upas-tree?</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> Was presented to the <span class="smcap">Pergaments</span>, who unpacked it, and loaded +its branches with toys and tapers; after which Mr. <span class="smcap">Pergaments</span>, Mrs. P., +and all the little <span class="smcap">Pergaments</span> joined 'ands, and danced round it in light +'arted glee. (<i>In a sombre tone.</i>) They little knoo as how it was their +dance of death!</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> That knowledge will come! And the beer, <span class="smcap">Monkshood</span>—you saw it +broached?</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> Upon the village green; the mortality is still spreading, it +being found impossible to undo the knots in which the victims had tied +themselves. The sweetmeats were likewise distributed, and the floor of +the hinfant-school now resembles one vast fly-paper.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> (<i>with a touch of remorse</i>). The children, too! Was not my +little <span class="smcap">Elfie</span> once an infant? Ah me, ah me!</p> + +<p><i>Elfie</i> (<i>aside</i>). Once—but that was long, long ago. And, oh, <i>how</i> +disappointed I am in poor dear Grandmamma!</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> <span class="smcap">Monkshood</span>, you should not have done these things—you should +have saved me from myself. You <i>must</i> have known how greatly all this +would increase my unpopularity in the neighbourhood.</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> (<i>sulkily</i>). And this is my reward for obeying orders! Take +care, my Lady. It suits you now to throw me aside like a—(<i>casting +about for an original simile</i>)—like a old glove, because this innocent +grandchild of yours has touched your flinty 'art. But where will <i>you</i> +be when she learns——?</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> (<i>in agony</i>). Ah, no, <span class="smcap">Monkshood</span>, good, faithful <span class="smcap">Monkshood</span>, she +must never know that! Think, <span class="smcap">Monkshood</span>, you would not tell her that the +Grandmother to whom she looks up with such touching, childlike love, was +a—<i>homicide</i>—you would not do that?</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> Some would say even 'omicide was not too black a name for all +you've done. (Lady <span class="smcap">Belledame</span> <i>shudders</i>.) I might tell Miss <span class="smcap">Elfie</span> how +you've blowed up a live Baronet, corrosive sublimated a gentle Lady, +honly for 'aving, in a moment of candour, called you a hold cat, and +distributed pison in a variety of forms about this smiling village; and, +if that don't inspire her with distrust, I don't know the nature of +children, that's all! I might tell her, I say, and, if I'm to keep my +mouth shut, I shall expect it to be considered in my wages.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> I knew you had a good heart! I will pay you +anything—anything, provided you shield my guilt from her ... wait, you +shall have gold, gold, <span class="smcap">Monkshood</span>, gold!</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Chord. Little</i> <span class="smcap">Elfie</span> <i>suddenly comes from behind screen; limelight on +her. The other two shrink back.</i></p> + +<p><i>Elfie.</i> Do not give that bad old man money, Grandmother,—for it will +only be wasted.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Speak, child—how much do you know?</p> + +<p><i>Elfie.</i> All!</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Chord.</i> Lady B. <i>collapses on chair.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> (<i>with an effort</i>). And now, <span class="smcap">Elfie</span>, that you know, you scorn +and hate your poor old Grandmother—is it not so?</p> + +<p><i>Elfie.</i> It is wrong to hate one's Grandmother, whatever she does. At +first, when I heard, I was very, very sorry. I <i>did</i> think it was most +unkind of you. But now, oh, I <i>can't</i> believe that you had not some +good, wise motive, in acting as you did!</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> (<i>in conscience-stricken aside</i>). Even <i>this</i> cannot shatter +her artless faith ... Oh, wretch, wretch!</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Covers her face.</i></p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> Motive—I believe you there, Missie. Why, she went and insured +all their lives aforehand, <i>she</i> did.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> <span class="smcap">Monkshood</span>, in pity hold your peace!</p> + +<p><i>Elfie</i> (<i>her face beaming</i>). I knew it—I was sure of it! Oh, Granny, +my dear, kind old Granny, you insured their lives first, so that no real +harm could possibly happen to them—oh, I am so happy!</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> (<i>aside</i>). What shall I say? Merciful Powers, what <i>shall</i> I +say to her?</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Disturbed sounds without.</i></p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> I don't know what you'd better <i>say</i>, but I can tell you what +your Ladyship had better <i>do</i>—and that is, take your 'ook while you +can. Even now the outraged populace approaches, to wreak a hawful +vengeance upon your guilty 'ed!</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Melodramatic music.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> (<i>distractedly</i>). A mob! I cannot face them—they will tear me +limb from limb. At my age I could not survive such an indignity as that! +Hide me, <span class="smcap">Monkshood</span>—help me to escape!</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> There is a secret underground passage, known only to myself, +communicating with the nearest railway station. I will point it out, and +personally conduct your Ladyship—for a consideration—one thousand +pounds down.</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>The noise increases.</i></p> + +<p><i>Elfie.</i> No, Grannie, don't trust him! Be calm and brave. Await the mob +here. Leave it all to me. I will explain everything to them—how you +meant no ill,—how, at the very time they thought you were meditating an +injury, you were actually spending money in insuring all their lives. +When I tell them <i>that</i>——</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> Ah, you tell 'em that, and see. It's too late now—they are +here.</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Shouts without. Lady B. crouches on floor. Little</i> <span class="smcap">Elfie</span> <i>goes to the +window, throws open the shutters, and stands on balcony in her +fluttering white robe, and the limelight.</i></p> + +<p><i>Elfie.</i> Yes, they are here. Why, they are carrying torches!—(Lady <span class="smcap">B</span>. +<i>groans</i>)—and banners, too! I think they have a band ... Who is that +tall, stout gentleman, in the white hat, on horseback, and the lady in a +pony-trap, with, oh, such a beautiful complexion! There is an +inscription on one of the flags—I can read it quite plainly. "<i>Thanks +to the generous Donor!</i>" (That must be <i>you</i>, Grandmother!) And there +are children who dance, and scatter flowers. They are asking for a +speech. (<i>Speaking off.</i>) "If you please, Ladies and Gentlemen, my +Grandmamma is not at all well, but she wishes me to say she wishes you a +Merry Christmas, and is very glad you all like your presents so much. +Good-bye, <i>good</i>-bye! (<i>Returning down Stage.</i>) Now they have gone away, +Granny ... They did look so grateful!</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> (<i>bewildered</i>). What is this? Sir <span class="smcap">Vevey</span>, Lady <span class="smcap">Violet</span>,—alive, +well? This deputation of gratitude? Am I mad, dreaming—or what does it +all mean?</p> + +<p><i>Monks.</i> (<i>doggedly</i>). It means that the sight of this 'ere angel-<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>child +recalled me to a sense of what I might be exposin' myself to by carrying +out your Ladyship's commands; and so I took the liberty of substitootin +gifts more calculated to inspire gratitude in their recipients—that's +what it means.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Wretch!—then you have disobeyed me? You leave this day month!</p> + +<p><i>Elfie</i> (<i>pleading</i>). Nay, Grandmother, bear with him, for has not his +disobedience spared you from acts that you might some day have +regretted?... There, Mr. Butler, Granny forgives you—see, she holds out +her hand, and here's mine; and now——</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> (<i>smiling tenderly</i>). Now you shall sing us "<i>Woa, Lucinda!</i>"</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Little</i> <span class="smcap">Elfie</span> <i>fetches her banjo, and sings, "Woa, Lucinda!" her +Grandmother and the aged Steward joining in the dance and chorus, and +embracing the child, to form picture as Curtain falls.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer.</i>)</center> + +<h4>No. II.—THE CORINTHIAN LADY.</h4> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/101.png"> +<img src="images/101.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>The Corinthian Lady is the latest resultant of the two forces of <i>ennui</i> +and dissipation acting on a Society that is willing to spend money and +desires to kill time. She has played many parts, some (of infinitesimal +proportions), on the burlesque stage, others in the semi-private life of +her own residence in the South-west district of London. Her versatility +has gained for her many admirers and a precarious income, but so long as +she possesses the former she scorns to live upon the latter. Being +unquestionably a real lady, she has been elected an honorary member of a +night club to which undoubted gentlemen resort. There she occasionally +consents to dance; more often she sups to an accompaniment of Viennese +music, loud and mirthless laughter, jests which are as fatuous as they +are suggestive, and wine which, unlike the humour of the plated youths, +her companions, is always sparkling and sometimes dry.</p> + +<p>Her real name is a mystery, which, however, she did not find attractive. +Having, therefore, abandoned it, she generally substitutes for it the +patronymic of a Norman peer, but, lest this should be thought too +strong, she dilutes it by the addition of a pet name drawn from the +nursery. By this title her fame is celebrated amongst many foolish young +men who singe themselves at the flame of her friendship, and many others +who, wishing to be thought wise, pretend to know her. Like all doves, +she plumes herself on her good looks. Unlike them, she is proud of her +bad habits; but she is a stern censor, and shows scant mercy to those +colleagues who, surpassing her in the former, lack means or chances to +attain to the splendour of the latter. Should one of these happen to be +admitted to a club she frequents, or to a supper-party she honours with +her presence, she has been known to wrap herself in her sealskins, and +to depart indignantly in her private brougham.</p> + +<p>She possesses the secret of nocturnal youth, and her eyes are warranted +to kill across a supper-table, yet she is no longer young, and sometimes +betrays herself by her anecdotes of familiar associations with "boys" +who have long since passed into respectability and middle-age. Though +she adores diamonds, she frequently sells them, and includes in the +transaction those who have purchased them for her; yet she retains and +wears as many jewels as would furnish forth a Duchess in a <i>Bow Bells</i> +novel. But her elbow gloves, which rarely come within a measurable +distance of godliness, inevitably proclaim the Corinthian.</p> + +<p>She is constant only in her love of excitement, and in her devotion to +change, whether it be of the persons of her adorers, or of the colour of +her hair. Having early in life learnt the lesson that only those who +possess are happy, she endeavours to assure herself against misery by +transferring to herself the wealth of those who fall under her +influence, or aspire to her affections. She apes what she conceives to +be the manners of good society by a languid affectation of refinement +and a supercilious drawl, yet she has been known to clothe herself in +objurgations as in a tea-gown, and to repel with scurrility the advances +of those who are not moneyed. She earns a certain popularity by the +display of a kind of rough good-nature, and the possession of a pet +poodle. She has been seen on a coach at Ascot, and in a launch at Henley +Regatta, together with a select company of those who cultivate +excitement by not looking at the exertions of horses or athletes, whilst +they themselves drink Champagne. Nor is she unknown in the boxes of the +Gaiety or the Avenue, whither she repairs after dining at the Café +Royal. She goes, but not alone, to Monte Carlo, and returns, under a +different escort, to London, after losing a great deal of the money of +other people.</p> + +<p>She was once married to a racing man of shady reputation and great +wealth, but having soon wearied of the mock-respectability of a +quasi-matrimonial existence, she makes the acquaintance of Mr. Justice +<span class="smcap">Butt</span> at a moment when he is engaged neither upon the probate of wills +nor on the collisions of ships. Yet her dislike of one husband who +happened for a time to be her own has not in the least impaired her +affections for the husbands, actual or to be, of others. No lady can be +considered truly Corinthian unless she has figured as the defendant in +an action for goods supplied by a milliner. It is thus that the Public +learns the Corinthian value of silks, and satins, and laces, and +decorative butterflies.</p> + +<p>Finally, however, in spite of her gallant and protracted struggles, the +years overtake her. She begins to be talked of with a pitying contempt +as "<span class="smcap">Old So-and-So</span>"; art ceases to outwit Nature, and she herself can no +longer deceive men. For some time she clings to the fringe of the +society she once adorned; but sinking gradually from the Corinthian to +the Continental, from the Continental to the Cavour, from the Cavour to +a supper-less Music-hall existence, and hence, after many misfortunes, +to the cold comfort of the pavement, she ends her days decrepit, +obscure, and unfriended, in the back bed-room of a Soho lodging.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>GHOSTLESS BOSTON.</h2> + +<center>[It is said that the Psychical Society could find no authentic stories +of ghosts in Boston, U.S.A.]</center> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Not a ghost in bumptious Boston! Do the souls of men whose books,</p> +<p class="i0">So they tell us, outshine <span class="smcap">Dickens</span>, rise superior to "spooks"?</p> +<p class="i0">Do the phantoms, having read them, fly in terror and in pain</p> +<p class="i0">At the cult of vivisection of <i>La belle Américaine</i>?</p> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Howells</span> puffs up <span class="smcap">Dudley Warner</span>, who declares his <span class="smcap">Howells</span> fine.</p> +<p class="i0">Do the spectres hate "log-rolling," and to haunt the place decline?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Are there no ghosts in New England? Really, this is something new.</p> +<p class="i0">Where did famous <i>Rip van Winkle</i> see old <span class="smcap">Hudson's</span> phantom crew?</p> +<p class="i0">Are the Katskills now unhaunted, where those silent elders bowled,</p> +<p class="i0">And <i>Rip</i> brought the keg of liquor, and the awful thunder rolled?</p> +<p class="i0">Or do those immortal spectres very wisely count as nought</p> +<p class="i0">All the tricks of spirit-rappers and sham readers of our thought?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Did the Pilgrims of the <i>Mayflower</i>, as we must perforce surmise,</p> +<p class="i0">Leave ancestral ghosts behind them when they sailed 'neath alien skies?</p> +<p class="i0">There is something in the notion, for it was a risky trip,</p> +<p class="i0">And a spectre is a nuisance when he gibbers on board ship.</p> +<p class="i0">So, no doubt, those sturdy people, when they crossed Atlantic foam,</p> +<p class="i0">From an economic motive, left their phantoms all at home.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Or it may be disembodied spirits, when abroad they walk,</p> +<p class="i0">Cannot stand the stucco culture and the egotistic talk;</p> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Warner</span> may have "lovely manners," <span class="smcap">Howells</span> swears he has, but then</p> +<p class="i0">Ghosts have seen as good in days of stately dames and high-born men;</p> +<p class="i0">While a curious nasal accent, just a <i>soupcon</i> of a twang,</p> +<p class="i0">May cause spectres of refinement an involuntary pang.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">So it seems the phantoms shun it, be the reason what it may,</p> +<p class="i0">Not a single ghost of Boston owns to living there to-day.</p> +<p class="i0">Possibly, if we but knew it, an American's too spry,</p> +<p class="i0">And he takes his spirit with him when he condescends to die;</p> +<p class="i0">Any way the "spooks" have vanished, and the spectres of old time</p> +<p class="i0">Only live in cheap romances and the poet's idle rhyme.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Fortunate and Economical.</h4> + +<p><span class="smcap">Druriolanus Operaticus</span> didn't go over to Brussels the other day for +nothing. What he had in his pocket at starting we are not aware, but it +is certain that, while abroad, he collared a tenner, which is to last +him through the ensuing season at Covent Garden. The new tenor's name is +"<span class="smcap">Yboo.</span>" Beautiful name! "Why boo?" Ask <i>Sir Pertinax Macsycophant</i>, who +tells us that "boo'ing" (not "for <span class="smcap">Balfour</span>") is the only way to get on in +life. The tenor, if successful, will be able to reply to "<span class="smcap">Y-boo</span>" with +the satisfactory answer—"Because I'm called before the Curtain."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/102.png"> +<img src="images/102.png" width="100%" alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY" /></a> +<h4>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.</h4> +<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>nervously conscious that he is interrupting a pleasant +tête-à-tête</i>). "<span class="smcap">A—I'm sorry to say I've been told to Take you in to +Supper, Miss Belsize</span>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/103.png"> +<img src="images/103.png" width="100%" alt="GRANDOLPH'S LATEST" /></a> +<h4>GRANDOLPH'S LATEST.</h4> +</div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h2>GRANDOLPH'S LATEST.</h2> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Yes; "one man in his time plays many parts,"</p> +<p class="i2">But <span class="smcap">Grandolph</span> posing on a Temperance platform?</p> +<p class="i0">Young Tories who so praised their hero's arts</p> +<p class="i2">Hardly expected him to show in <i>that</i> form.</p> +<p class="i0">He was their Coming Champion; he'd revive</p> +<p class="i2">The memories of the mighty days of <span class="smcap">Beaky</span>.</p> +<p class="i0">Him they could trust to keep the game alive;</p> +<p class="i2">Was he not vigorous, various, cool, and cheeky?</p> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> he'd beard, Corruption he would throttle.</p> +<p class="i0">And here he stands behind the Water-Bottle!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">As the political Puck he was rare fun,</p> +<p class="i2">As young Bellerophon he was a wonder;</p> +<p class="i0">He'd see that England had the biggest gun,</p> +<p class="i2">He'd end the era of expensive blunder.</p> +<p class="i0">E'en as <i>Jack Sheppard</i> collaring <span class="smcap">Gladstone's</span> "swag,"</p> +<p class="i2">The Tory-Democratic hosts admired him;</p> +<p class="i0">And when he seemed to stumble or to lag,</p> +<p class="i2">They swore he'd be "all there"—when they required him.</p> +<p class="i0">But <i>did</i> they picture him upon the stump</p> +<p class="i0">As the Grand Young Apostle of the Pump?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">He, whose amazing advent was all fire,</p> +<p class="i2">Stoop to the leaden level of cold water?</p> +<p class="i0">A spectacle indeed to tame and tire</p> +<p class="i2">The zeal of his most confident supporter.</p> +<p class="i0">What will <span class="smcap">Dunraven</span> say? Quidnuncs will quiz,</p> +<p class="i2">And Balfour-worshippers will smirk and chuckle,</p> +<p class="i0">And ask if he considers it "good biz"</p> +<p class="i2">To the Teetotal interest to truckle.</p> +<p class="i0">They may be right—or wrong, these babblers busy.</p> +<p class="i0">They were not <i>always</i> right about <span class="smcap">Ben Dizzy</span>.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Meanwhile he poses there as advocate</p> +<p class="i2">Of this last panacea of his adoption.</p> +<p class="i0">He holds the only way to save the State</p> +<p class="i2">Is Temperance, enforced by Local Option.</p> +<p class="i0">Spirited Foreign Policy? Anon!</p> +<p class="i2">Fiscal Economy? Quite secondary!</p> +<p class="i0">All is no use till the Drink-Demon's gone!</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Bung</span>, who so loved him, feels his colour vary;</p> +<p class="i0">And, while he perorates to all men's wonder.</p> +<p class="i0">Smug <span class="smcap">Wilfrid</span> smiles and whispers, "That's <i>my</i> thunder!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p>My faithful "Co." has been reading <i>Marooned</i>, by Mr. <span class="smcap">Clark Russell</span>, an +author who delights in stories of nautical adventure. My worthy follower +declares that the novel, although rather spun out, is full of interest. +He was especially pleased with Mr. <span class="smcap">Clark Russell's</span> anxiety to make his +meaning clear when talking of things maritime. He particularly instances +a passage in Vol. II., page 17. Here it is: "It is proper I should state +here, for the information for those to whom sea-terms are +unintelligible, that a studding-sail-boom is a long smooth spar that +reeves through irons, fixed upon the yard to which it belongs." How +land-lubbers would be able to understand the marine technicalities Mr. +<span class="smcap">Russell</span> introduces into his stories without explanations such as this, +it would be difficult to say, but with such assistance, a +studding-sail-boom becomes as easy of identification as a marling-spike +lashed to a forecastle spinaker-boom, close hauled aport under trysails, +blowing out like flags from the grips of clew-lines and leech-lines +towards the close of a second dog-watch! Shiver <span class="smcap">Lindley Murray's</span> +timbers! but what can be finer than a bulkhead battened down with the +scandalised main-sail of a top-gallant clipper-rigged halliard! Ah, what +indeed!</p> + +<p>"Co." has also been improving his mind by reading a new edition of Mr. +<span class="smcap">Joseph Foster's</span> <i>Noble and Gentle Families of Royal Descent</i>, in which +he has found, amongst other interesting matter, the recently much +discussed pedigree of the Duke of <span class="smcap">Fife</span>. Like all Mr. <span class="smcap">Foster's</span> books of +reference, the two handsome volumes are invaluable to the genealogist, +and no library can be accurately said to be <i>quite</i> complete without +them.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Baron De Book-Worms & Co.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Daubigny in Bond Street.</span>—Through the organisation of Messrs. <span class="smcap">Boussod, +Valadon & Co.</span>, and the kindness of Mr. <span class="smcap">James Staats Forbes</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">W. +Cuthbert Quilter</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Alexander Young</span>, and other courteous collectors, +we are enabled to enjoy, at the Goupil Gallery, as many as forty-three +works by this distinguished <i>paysagiste</i> of the Barbizon School. Nothing +of the "daub" to be seen here excepting in the first half of the name. +Charming collection. Nice boys they were of the Barbizon School, all in +the best form. <i>Mr. Punch</i> recommends everybody not to neglect to pay an +immediate visit to this superb exhibition.</p> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> + +<h2>LE KICK-BALLE FIGHT.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"No definite date has yet been fixed for the football match which is +to take place here between an English and a French eleven, the +latter consisting of pupils from the Lycée Janson de Sailly, but the +preliminary negotiations are still proceeding."—<i>Letter of Paris +Correspondent.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p> <span class="smcap">Mon Cher Monsieur</span>,</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/105.png"> +<img src="images/105.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>It is with the feelings of <i>a 'Igh Life-Sporting-Gentlemans</i> most +ecstatic and profound, that I find myself preparing "<i>Le Onze</i>" of the +great spirited youths of our Lycée, who have, brave-souled heroes, +volunteered to meet on the <i>véritable champ de bataille</i> of the +kicke-legges-match your Public-school-team, who have thrown in their +faces the challenge glove of combat. I say, I am preparing, but this +means, of course, with such modifications of your <i>Jeu-de-Rugby</i> rules, +which, indeed, turn the struggle into <i>un vrai carnage</i>, degrading alike +to humanity and civilisation, as will permit the enlightened children of +our great, refined and Republican France, to meet their antagonists not +with the savage antics of Blood-thirsty Cannibals, which seem to +characterise what you term "<i>le scrimmage</i>," as practised by your +contending "<i>'ome-teams</i>" at <i>le Hovals</i> and other arenas, where meet +and rend each other with the fury unrestrained, terrible and +indescribable of the wild beasts and gladiators of the barbaric Roman +Circus, of ancient times, but with the humanised activity of that +expurgated and refined form of the contest which has enabled the +courageous but reasoning youth of this great reforming and Republic +France of ours, to throw open wide her arms and welcome to her heart +elastic and generous <i>Le Kick-Balle Fight</i>, as henceforth her own chosen +and peculiar national game.</p> + +<p>You can understand, <i>Mon cher Monsieur</i>, that I cannot, in the short +space at my disposal in this limited letter, do more than merely outline +the suggestion of the New Rules, but when I assure you that they have +been cautiously thought out, drawn up and revised by a carefully +selected Committee, comprising, among other noted experts, a +Major-General of Engineers, two Analytical Chemists, a Balloon +Proprietor, an Archbishop, a Wild-beast Tamer, a Ballet Master, a +Professor of Anatomy, a Patent Artificial Limb Maker, and a Champion +Fighter of <i>Le Boxe Americain</i>, you will see that the features of the +game, gay, murderous, active, and terrible, have all been considered +with a due regard to their preservation where this has been found +compatible with the sacredness of human life and the protection of <i>le +shin</i> from too much furious and brutal bruising. But here I subjoin a +few of the simpler "New Provisions" as adopted by the Committee.</p> + +<p>1. "Le Balle."—He will be constructed of Gold-beater's Skin, and +covered with Pink or Blue Satin, with perhaps a few White Silk Bows, +sewn on to him for the purpose of elegant adornment. It is this making +of "Le Balle," a light, gay, and altogether ethereal creation which will +strike the key-note of the new game of <i>Le Kick-Balle Fight</i> as a +recognised pastime for the courageous youth of modern France.</p> + +<p>2. <i>Le Onze</i>, will all wear one uniform, which will consist of white +satin slippers, pantalons of cashmere, with feather pillows worn as a +protection strapped over the knees, a bolster being wound round the body +to safeguard the chest, ribs, and spinal column. A broad gay, coloured +satin sash with a cocked hat and ostrich feathers completes the costume. +The last to indicate, owing to the risks and dangers in which the +combatants may be involved, its association with <i>le vrai champs de +bataille</i>, to which, but for the "new provisions" it would bear such a +terrible and striking resemblance.</p> + +<p>3. "Le 'Arf-back."—This dangerous officer is abolished altogether, the +Committee being of opinion, unanimous and decisive, that the position is +only provocative of strife.</p> + +<p>4. "Le Forward."—He is for the same reason equally abolished, and in +the French game exists no more.</p> + +<p>5. "Le Goal-keepere."—He may keep "Le Goal" if he can do so without +danger of being struck in the face with "Le Balle."</p> + +<p>6. "Le Balle" must, on no account, be touched with the foot, but merely +slapped playfully, enough for the purposes of propulsion, with the palm +of the open hand.</p> + +<p>7. "Le Scrimmage." This barbarous and savage entanglement is absolutely +<i>défendu</i>. No two opposing combatants must ever, under any +circumstances, permit themselves to touch each other. The great skill of +the new game will be, by subtle and appropriate gesticulation, to dance +out of each other's way. On any two opposing combatants, by any chance, +touching each other, "Le Capitaine" of either side will appeal to the +Umpire, and, after the manner of "Le jeu de Cricket," will propose for +him the simple question, "Mister Umpire, 'ow is that?" Upon which, that +official saying "Out!" the two offenders will be struck from the game, +and enjoy no share of "Le gate-money," if that is the prize for which +the two teams are honourably contending.</p> + +<p>The above, <i>Mon cher Monsieur</i>, are the principal Rules, as arranged by +the Committee, and you will see that they have been drawn up with a view +to eliminating the bloodthirsty <i>boule-dogue</i> ferocity from a pastime +which, under the title of <i>Le Kick-Balle Fight</i>, bids fair to become the +characteristic sport, gay, active, and courage-inspiring, of our modern +French youth awakened with <i>élan</i> and ardour to the athletic spirit of +the age which has overtaken them.</p> + +<p class="regards">Receive, <i>Mon cher Monsieur</i>, the assurance of my most distinguished +consideration,</p> + +<p class="author">Le Heads-Masterre of the Lycée Janson de Sailly.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE FARTHING NOVEL SERIES.</h2> + +<p>Now that the entire works of the late <span class="smcap">William Shakspeare</span> can be +purchased (allowing for discount) for fourpence-halfpenny, it seems +strange that no publisher has issued the more celebrated of our romances +at the rate per volume of the smallest coin of the realm. That it can be +done will be obvious to the meanest comprehension. All that is required +is brevity and intelligibility. It is only necessary to give an outline +of the story—the sketchier the better. If a little "local colouring" +can be thrown in, no harm will be done. But that local colouring must be +distinctly modern. Again, if sentiments calculated to be popular with +the class by whom the series is likely to be purchased are introduced, a +distinct gain will be the consequence. But as an example is better than +pages of description, a sample is subjoined:—</p> + +<h3>IVANHOE;</h3> + +<p><i>Or, The Disguised Knight, the Distressed Jewess, and the Templar who +did not Behave like a Gentleman.</i></p> + +<h4><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h4> + +<p>"You are very welcome," said <span class="smcap">Cedric</span> the Saxon, for the fifth time, as +Sir <span class="smcap">Brian de Bois-Gilbert</span> took down the Fair <span class="smcap">Rowena</span> to supper. "As for +you, <span class="smcap">Wilfrid</span> the Pilgrim, sit below the salt, and, Sir Seneschal, keep +your eyes upon the horn spoons."</p> + +<p>"And this is the curse of the land," murmured the heir, as he helped +himself to plum-pasty, the forerunner of plum-pudding. "It is this +haughtiness that causes our yeomen to strike, and makes <span class="smcap">Robin Hood</span>, +Friar <span class="smcap">Tuck</span>, and the rest of his merry men possible!"</p> + +<h4><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h4> + +<p>The next day joined in the tournament. It was a grand sight. The horses +pranced, the plumes flowed in the wind. The refreshments were executed +by contract, at so much a head, by a body of adventurers, who had +combined together to keep down prices.</p> + +<p>"Nay, beshrew thee, man!" exclaimed <span class="smcap">John</span>, the Smith, to <span class="smcap">Thomas</span> the +Jones—a contraction of joiner. "It is these +combinations—co-operations, as Sir <span class="smcap">Evans</span>, the Clerk at the church over +yonder hath it—that ruin trade." Before <span class="smcap">Thomas</span> the Jones or joiner +could reply, there was a crash, and it was known that Sir <span class="smcap">Brian</span> had been +overcome by a Knight who had no crest.</p> + +<p>"He does not deserve to win," said a Herald to a Pursuivant—"defrauding +us of our fees! No coat-of-arms; no pedigree! It is simply disgraceful."</p> + +<p>"Ay, and so it is," replied the under-officers of the College of Arms. +"But see yonder is <span class="smcap">Isaac</span> of <span class="smcap">York</span> the Jew. Join me in a bond, and we will +avail ourselves of his usury." And within twenty-four hours the two +gentles had borrowed one-and-sevenpence-halfpenny!</p> + +<h4><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h4> + +<p>In the meanwhile Sir <span class="smcap">Brian</span> had carried off <span class="smcap">Rebecca</span>, been slain, and +disposed of.</p> + +<h4><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h4> + +<p>Then there was a magnificent wedding, as <span class="smcap">Wilfrid</span> of Ivanhoe, no longer +the disowned, but the heir to estates belonging to a highly respectable +county family led his bride to the altar.</p> + +<p>"Methinks she takes the cake," whispered <span class="smcap">Wamba</span> the Jester.</p> + +<p>"Not until after the breakfast," replied <span class="smcap">Richard Cœur de Lion</span>, +throwing off his disguise as the Nameless Knight, and appearing in the +full costume of a monarch.</p> + +<p>"Long live the King!" shouted the populace.</p> + +<p>"You are right to utter that wish," returned His Majesty, "so long as I +reign without attempting to govern. Believe me, it is better to have +universal suffrage than a despot who may be at once cruel and +incompetent."</p> + +<p>"In fact, an idiot," put in a reporter, who was doing the ceremony for a +local record.</p> + +<p>"Quite so," acquiesced the Monarch; and then, turning to the +newly-married pair, he observed, "Bless you, my children! Mark me, I +order you to live in happiness for ever afterwards."</p> + +<p>And <span class="smcap">Ivanhoe</span> and his bride obeyed the royal command.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> + +<div class="figleft1" style="width: 100%"> +<img src="images/106a.png" width= "100%" alt="cartoon top" /> +</div> + +<div class="figleft2" style="width: 50%"> +<img src="images/106b.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon bottom" /> +</div> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 17.</i>—"Better be in your place +early," said <span class="smcap">Chaplin</span>, passing me as he marched with long strides across +resounding corridor.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I know. <span class="smcap">Old Morality's</span> going to say what Government will do about +<span class="smcap">Parnell</span> Commission's Report; everybody anxious to know."</p> + +<p>"It's not that, dear boy, not that," said our new Minister, in +compassionate tone. "I have two questions to answer. First time, don't +you know; everybody dying to see how it goes off; warrant you they +shan't be disappointed."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cobb</span> the Curious came on with first interrogatory. All about fox-hunting +and fox-hunters. Pretty to see <span class="smcap">Cobb</span>, having submitted his question under +ten sub-heads, place hands on knees and fix Minister with steady stare. +<span class="smcap">Chaplin</span> advanced to table with graceful carriage and confident bearing; +produced with imposing flourish a sheaf of notes, foolscap size, stoutly +sewn, apparently exceeding a dozen in number; began to read with +practised elocutionary art; drew the covert, "so to speak," as <span class="smcap">T. W. +Russell</span> protests he said when telling the men of Manchester that <span class="smcap">William +O'Brien</span> must be taken by the throat. No draw; went to next covert—I +mean turned over another folio. House began to murmur; <span class="smcap">Chaplin</span>, +accepting involuntary<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> applause, read on with increased impressiveness +and complacency; murmurs grew into shout. At view-halloa! fox started; +fifth folio now reached; only seven more to read. <span class="smcap">Chaplin</span> began to wish +<span class="smcap">Goschen</span> or <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> would go and fetch him glass of water. Cries +from crowd grew louder. At last <span class="smcap">Chaplin</span>, looking up, beheld, through +astonished glasses, Opposition indulging in roar of contumely. Wouldn't +have taken him more than quarter of an hour or twenty minutes to finish +his few remarks, and yet a lot of miserable Members who didn't know a +fox from a hare wouldn't let him go on! Struggled gallantly for some +minutes; at last sat down; whole pages of his answer unrecited.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/107b.png"> +<img src="images/107b.png" width="100%" alt="The Inquiring Cobb" /></a> +<h4>The Inquiring Cobb.</h4> +</div> + +<p>Speeches all night in continued Debate on the Address. <span class="smcap">Parnell</span> has moved +Amendment arraigning <span class="smcap">Balfour's</span> administration in Ireland. <span class="smcap">William +O'Brien</span>, chancing to be out of prison, looks in and delivers fiery +harangue in support of Amendment. But yesterday, <span class="smcap">Balfour</span>, his gaoler; +ordered his food; not too much of it and not full variety; fixed his +hours of going to bed and getting up. Now prison-doors opened by lapse +of time; <span class="smcap">O'Brien</span> walks out through Westminster Hall into House of +Commons; stands before <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> on equal terms with his whilom gaoler, +and scolds him magnificently. By-and-by <span class="smcap">Balfour</span> will probably have his +turn again, and <span class="smcap">O'Brien</span> will be eating and drinking the bread and water +of affliction. Meanwhile, storms at top of his voice, beats the air with +long lean arm and clenched hand, and makes dumb dogs of English Members +sad with musing on the inequalities of fortune, which has given these +Irishmen the great gift of pointedly saying what they have at heart.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Debate on Address.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/107c.png"> +<img src="images/107c.png" width="100%" alt="the Cobden Club" /></a> +<h4>The Cobden Club</h4> +</div> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—"Well," said <span class="smcap">Thomas Bayley Potter</span>, sinking slowly into +corner seat, grateful to find that <span class="smcap">Peter O'Brien</span> was his neighbour, for +<span class="smcap">Peter</span> finds it possible to pack himself into a limited space and <span class="smcap">Thomas +Bayley's</span> proportions are roomy—"well it <i>is</i> nice to see how these old +colleagues love one another. Come next April, I have sat in House man +and boy for twenty-five years. Have found that on some pretext, on one +occasion or another, they are always at it, scratching each other's +face, pulling one another's hair, or stabbing each other in the back. +Why don't they all join the Cobden Club, sink minor differences, and be +friends ever after?"</p> + +<p>As <span class="smcap">Thomas Bayley</span> thus mused, he gazed across Gangway on to Front +Opposition Bench. An interesting incident developing. <span class="smcap">Henry James</span> on his +legs (generally on one) opposing <span class="smcap">Parnell's</span> Amendment to Address. He +stands between the outstretched legs of his two dear and right hon. +friends, <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> and <span class="smcap">John Morley</span>. Just beyond <span class="smcap">John Morley</span>, <span class="smcap">Trevelyan</span> +sits. At the other side of <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>, <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span> towers, toying with the +gracious folds of his massive chin, looking straight before him with +sphynx-like gaze. According to etiquette and usage, <span class="smcap">James</span> should be +addressing the Chair; but his back is turned to <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>. He faces half +round to Front Opposition Bench, and, with left foot clasped round right +ankle, elbow of right arm leaning on box, and clenched left hand +swinging to and fro in perilous proximity to a grand old proboscis, he +literally drives home his argument. House may listen, if it pleases, +like crowd closing in on street squabble; <span class="smcap">Henry James</span> is having it out +with his old friends and Leader;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> professing fullest respect, and even +reverence for his right hon. friend the Member for Midlothian, but at +same time showing how utterly, hopelessly wrong he and his have gone +since his former Solicitor-General parted company.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Harcourt</span>, a little out of it, sits and ponders, possibly thinking of the +days when he was plain Mr. <span class="smcap">Vernon Harcourt</span>, and, seated below the +Gangway, used to, in company with his young friend, Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry James</span>, bait +<span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>, then on Treasury Bench, hastening to the catastrophe of 1874.</p> + +<p>"Makes me feel quite old," said <span class="smcap">Thomas Bayley Potter</span>, dexterously +appropriating another half-inch of the space that rightfully belonged to +<span class="smcap">Peter O'Brien</span>. "Seems but yesterday that <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span> and <span class="smcap">James</span> were in the +running, one for Attorney-General, the other Solicitor-General. But +getting it, having got it, or having abandoned it, seems all to lead to +the same end—the worrying of the Grand Old Man."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="smcap">Parnell's</span> Amendment to Address negatived by 307 Votes +against 240.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<span class="smcap">Lycidas</span> is dead—dead in his prime! It was this very +morning, in the earliest moments of its birth, that I watched <span class="smcap">Joseph +Gillis</span> walking up the floor shoulder to shoulder with old friend <span class="smcap">Dick +Power</span>, "telling" in division on <span class="smcap">Parnell's</span> Amendment to Address. Beaten, +of course, but majority diminished, and <span class="smcap">Joey</span> beamed as he walked across +Lobby towards Cloak-Room. Rather a sickly beam, compared with wild +lights that used to flash from his eyes in the old times, when majority +against Home Rule was a great deal more than 67.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I <i>am</i> a little tired, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, dear boy," he said. "These dull +sittings and early adjournments don't suit me. I was better and stronger +in the old times, when we used to sit up all night and fight all day. +Remember thirteen years ago, when I slept for an hour on two chairs in +the Library? Returned to House at five in morning; found them all +looking jaded and worn; cheered them up by saying I'd come back like a +giant refreshed. Well, I'll go home now, have a good sleep, be all right +in the morning."</p> + +<p>And when we are gathered in House for Wednesday's sitting we learn that +all is right indeed, and that poor old <span class="smcap">Joey B.</span> lies quiet, with face +upturned, in his alien lodgings off Clapham Common.</p> + +<p>He would be surprised if he knew with what warm and sincere feeling his +sudden taking-off is mourned. At the time he spoke of, thirteen years +back, he was certainly the most abhorred person on the premises, and +gleefully chuckled over consciousness of the fact. But the House, with +nearer knowledge, learned to recognise his sterling qualities, and now, +when Death rounds off with tragic touch the comicalities of his public +life, everyone has a kindly word to say for <span class="smcap">Joseph Gillis</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Debate on Address.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—"Curious," said <span class="smcap">Campbell-Bannerman</span>, "how habits ingrained +in early life, born in the blood as it were, come out at chance times. +Here's <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> been for a generation practically divorced from +business affairs in the Strand, and yet look at him now, and listen to +him!"</p> + +<p>Strange transmogrification truly. Arose on question put by <span class="smcap">Hunter</span> as to +when the ten volumes of evidence, upon which Report of Special Committee +founded, would be on the bookstalls. <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> at the table in a +moment, his manner brisk yet deferential, his hands involuntarily +wandering over the books and papers scattered about, as if he were +looking for special edition someone on other side of counter had asked +for.</p> + +<p>"The Evidence," he said, "given before the Special Commission occupies +eleven volumes, consisting of the Evidence and Appendix, and they will +probably be followed by a twelfth volume containing Index matter. We +trust that the first eleven volumes will be ready for delivery to +customers before the 1st of March."</p> + +<div class="figleft1" style="width: 20%"> +<img src="images/108a.png" width= "100%" alt="cartoon top" /> +</div> + +<div class="figleft2" style="width: 30%"> +<img src="images/108b.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon bottom" /> +<h4>District Councils.</h4> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Peter O'Brien</span>, not yet expanded since compressed by contiguity of <span class="smcap">Thomas +Bayley Potter</span>, asked whether complete copies of the evidence would be +supplied to other persons incriminated, but not being Members of the +House? <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> at the counter again; the old Adam in him stronger +than ever. Here was a pretty proposal! Bound to supply this interesting +work gratuitously to Members of Parliament; to go beyond that most +unbusinesslike.</p> + +<p>"No, Sir," he said, firmly; "it is open to other persons to obtain the +volumes by purchase."</p> + +<p>House roared with laughter, turned delighted from this little comedy to +face the gloomy prospect of <span class="smcap">Stansfeld</span> on District Councils.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Still harping on Address.</p> + +<p><i>Friday Night.</i>—"Strange," said <span class="smcap">J. A. Picton</span>, slowly rubbing his brawny +hands, "how in our ashes live our wonted fires."</p> + +<p>Dwelt amongst dead ashes all week; dreary dulness. To-night, in very +last hour of week, Debate suddenly flashes forth in brilliant flame, +worthy of old traditions. <span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span>, with his back to the wall, faced +and flanked by jeering, scornful, angry Liberals. Explains why he's +going to vote with Government against demand for Free Education. A +tough, dialectical job, requiring skill, temper, courage. <span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span> +displays each quality. Cool, collected, master of the situation, deftly +warding off thundering blows, and now and then changing, with swift +action, from defensive to offensive. A pretty sight, worth waiting a +week for.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="smcap">Acland's</span> Motion for Free Education rejected by 223 +Votes against 163.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/107a.png"> +<img src="images/107a.png" width="100%" alt="THE MISS" /></a> +<h4>"THE MISS!"</h4> +<p><i>Gillie.</i> "<span class="smcap">Eh, Mon! But it's fortunate there's Beef in Aberdeen!</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/108c.png"> +<img src="images/108c.png" width="100%" alt="THE KENT COAL HOLE" /></a> +<h4>THE KENT COAL HOLE.</h4> +<p>Finding Coal in the Channel Tunnel Works. Rush of delighted S.E.R. +Shareholders to Shakspeare's Cliff.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>SONG FOR MR. STANSFELD, M.P.</h4> + +<center>(<i>Adapted from Mr. J. L. Toole's "Speaker's Eye."</i>) + +<i>Refrain.</i><br /><br /> + +In Eyer-land I used to try,<br /> +But I never could catch a P'leeceman's eye.<br /> +I never could catch—— [<i>Whistles.</i><br /><br /> +<i>Chorus of Members, led by the Speaker.</i><br /> +<br /> +He never could catch——<br /> +<br /> +<i>Mr. Stansfeld and Chorus ensemble.</i></center><br /> + +<div class="centered"> +<table summary="braced dialogue"> +<tr><td>I</td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td><span class="brace">}</span></td><td>never could catch the P'leeceman's eye.</td></tr> +<tr><td>He</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>Copies should be on sale in the House, with an illustration by Mr. <span class="smcap">Frank +Lockwood</span>, Q.C., M.P.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Forthcoming Book, a "Standard" Work (in the Press), New Edition of +<i>Allsopp's Fables</i>. N.B.—This volume will contain two extra Fables, +illustrating the proverb of "Allsopps to Cerberus," and "There's many a +slip between the mug and the Hind-lip." Many novel pints will be +introduced.</p> + +<hr /> + +<center>"<span class="smcap">Festina Lente.</span>"—Get through Lent festively.</center> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%"> +<a href="images/108d.gif"> +<img src="images/108d.gif" width="100%" alt="pointing finger" /></a> +</div> + +<p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +98, March 1, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MARCH 1, 1890 *** + +***** This file should be named 29992-h.htm or 29992-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/9/9/29992/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, March 1, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 14, 2009 [EBook #29992] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MARCH 1, 1890 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MARCH 1, 1890. + + * * * * * + +UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS. + +"Tres volontiers," repartit le demon. "Vous aimez les tableaux +changeans: je veux vous contenter." + +_Le Diable Boiteux._ + +[Illustration:] + + XXI. + + "Though cold the coxcomb, and though coarse the boor, + Though dulness haunts the rich and pain the poor, + In this colossal city, + Yet London is not Rome, O Shade!" I said. + "A later JUVENAL should not find her dead + To purity and pity." + + "Satire, of shames and follies in sole quest, + Is a one-eyed divinity at best," + My guide responded, slowly. + "The tale of ZOILUS hath its moral still. + Such critics are but blowflies, their small skill + To carrion given wholly. + + "Not all the Romans of DOMITIAN's days + Were such as live in JUVENAL's savage lays; + Not all the Latian ladies + Were HIPPIAS or COLLATIAS. Neither here + May all be gauged by satire's rule severe, + Or earth would be a Hades. + + "The scalpel hath no terrors for the sound, + Nor is the hand that wields it harshly bound + To ceaseless vivisection. + The Cynic sharply sees, but sees not far; + The eye that hunts the mote may miss the star + Too great for scorn's detection. + + "Dream not, oh friend, because I let the light + On lurid London through the cloak of night + (As was my undertaking.) + That I've a spirit wholly given to scorn, + Or blind to all, save sin, that with the morn + Will see a bright awaking. + + "Yet could the freedman's son but wield his flail + In London, there are those might shrink and pale + As did DOMITIAN'S minion. + PARIS lives yet, pander and parasite + Still flaunt in bold impunity, despite + A custom-freed opinion. + + "Dull in the drawing-room, our beardless boys + Can sparkle in the haunts of coarser joys, + Coldness and muteness vanish + When TULLIA dances or when POLLIO sings. + With riotous applause the precinct rings, + There chill restraint they banish. + + "Behold Lord LIMPET in his gilded Box, + His well-gloved palms and scarlet silken socks + Actively agitated; + He who erewhile about the ball-room stood + A solemn, weary, whispering thing of wood, + And sneered, and yawned, and waited." + + "Wondrous!" I cried. "The youngster's cheeks flush red, + Wide laugh his lips, and swiftly wags his head, + He cheers, he claps, he chuckles. + Can he, the languid lounger limp and faint + Give way to mirth with the mad unrestraint + Of boys with ribs and knuckles? + + "Frankly _canaille_ is that dancing chit + Slang and suggestiveness serve her for wit, + And impudence for beauty. + Yet frigid 'Form' melts at her cockney spell, + 'Form,' which votes valsing with the reigning belle + An undelightful duty. + + "Bounds on the arch-buffoon, with flexile face, + With bagman smartness and batrachian grace. + Is he not sweet and winning? + Mime of the gutter, mimic of the slum, + Muse of the haunts unspeakable, else dumb, + A satyr gross and grinning? + + "LIMPET smiled," he said. "SHAKSPEARE'S boldest wit + Leaves LIMPET listless, but each feature lit + At that last comic chorus. + London is full of LIMPETS; clownings please + The well-groom'd mob, though ARISTOPHANES + Would miserably bore us. + + "Untile the Town entirely? Nay, good friend, + That were to affright the timid, and offend + The tender and the trustful. + Unlifted yet must lie the dusky screen + That veils the viler features of the scene, + The dread and the disgustful." + + "Shadow!" I said, "Civilisation fails, + While surfeits Idleness, and Labour pales. + For all its spread and glitter, + The Titan City lacks its crowning grace + And glory, whilst its pleasure is so base, + Its bondage is so bitter." + + "True!" sighed the Shadow, and a softened smile + Seemed to illume the coldness, void of guile, + Of those phantasmal features. + "When from the City's gloom shall flash to light + This truth: The sleek and selfish sybarite + Is meanest of God's creatures?" + + "Shadow!" I cried. But in the darkness dim + Those lineaments did waver and dislimn + Like clouds at the sun's waking. + Alone I stood; fled was the night, the dream, + And o'er the sleeping City's sullen stream + Babylon's grey dawn was breaking. + + THE END. + + * * * * * + +A DIAG-NOSE-IS OF WINE.--The Case of Champagne set before Mr. Alderman +and Sheriff DAVIES. Of course, the worthy Alderman, who is a judge of +wine, needed only to raise the glass to his nose. He smelt it to see if +it was Corke'd. But in answer to the charge of false labelling, it +should have been simply pleaded that, at the manufactory, the labels +were not simply put on, but Clapt-on. Whether this defence would have +gone to mitigate the fine of twenty pounds, is another matter. The +Alderman's decision was given, much as the public generally pay for +Champagne,--good or bad,--that is, "through the nose." + + * * * * * + +THE CHAMELEON "REPORT". + +_Entirely New Version._ + + ("The bearings of it lie in the application,"--to a certain Report.) + + Time to the eager seems to lag, + Howe'er his glass be shaken; + Yet struck the hour when from the bag + The Creature should be taken. + + Three Judges sage had cooped it there + Three Judges wise, three Judges fair, + At him Society will ejaculate + Who hints a Judge is _not_ immaculate. + The Judge's ermine none dares dim + (Unless the Judge differs from _him_). + + Now men discussed, with glee or dolour, + The question of the Creature's colour. + "Black as my hat," cries one, "_I_ know." + "Nay!" shouts another, "white as snow!" + Whether the thing revealed should prove + To ape the Raven or the Dove, + Was matter of dispute most furious; + Angry were most, and all were curious. + + At last arrived the eventful day + When from the bag the thing must crawl, + And lo! the Creature's tint was _grey_, + Which disappointed all. + + But though Truth brings a brief confusion + To obstinate foregone conclusion, + Prejudice, routed most dis_mally_, + Will quickly to Unreason rally. + And so the one side would remark + That for a grey 'twas wondrous _dark_; + The other side did more than hint + _They_ never saw so _light_ a tint; + "Deep iron-grey!" said one, "Oh, stuff!" + Another cried at most a buff! + "In tint below, in hue above, + 'Tis little deeper than a Dove! + In fact, looked at in a strong light, + 'Tis scarce distinguishable from white!" + "_White!_" yelled a third, with rage half + throttled, + "With jet-black streaks 'tis thickly mottled. + If not pure Raven, all must own + No Magpie hath a sootier tone!" + + And so the rival parties raged and wrangled; + Judgment considered whilst the bigots jangled, + And the great bulk of _them_ 'twas sad to find, + Wore party-coloured specs., or else were colour-blind! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GARRICK THEATRE.] + +The Hare Apparent in a New Pair of Spectacles. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONLY A DROP!] + +_Shareholder._ "HALLO! I DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING MUCH OUT OF THIS! +WHAT'S THE MATTER?" + +_Standard._ "MATTER? THERE'S A LEAKAGE SOMEWHERE!" + + * * * * * + +ALL FOR THE SAKE OF THE ARMY! + +_From Mr. C. Bounder to Mr. T. Tenterfive._ + +DEAR TOMMY,--I say, can't you give me a leg up, to get the Government to +adopt my confounded pop-guns? The foreigners don't seem to see them +much, and, hang it all! a true-hearted Johnnie should give his native +land the first chance. + +Thine ever, + +CHARLES BOUNDER. + +_From Mr. T. Tenterfive to Mr. C. Bounder._ + +DEAR CHARLEY,--I'm afraid I'm not of much use. Send in application about +your pop-guns, and I will look after it as much as can. You mustn't +expect much, as the Department has a way of knocking a thing about for +months--sometimes years--and then quietly shelving it. Hope to see you +soon. + +Thine ever, + +THOMAS TENTERFIVE. + +_Report of Ordnance Committee, to be forwarded to the Adjutant-General._ + +We have examined the Bounder Patent Ironclad Pocket Revolving +Cannonette, and consider it a weapon that might possibly be introduced +into the Service with advantage, if the cost of production is not +excessive. + +_Report of Adjutant-General, to be forwarded to Quartermaster-General._ + +I enclose report of Ordnance Committee of which I approve. However, as +the matter involves a financial question, your opinion thereon would be +of great value. + +_Report of the Quartermaster-Gen., to be forwarded to Inspector-Gen. of +Fortifications._ + +CAN offer no suggestion about the cost of production until it can be +ascertained whether the Cannonette will be suitable for Home Defences. +What is your opinion on this point? + +_Report of Inspector-General of Fortifications, to be forwarded to +Secretary of State._ + +No doubt the Cannonette might be used in a variety of ways. But it will +be observed that the Ordnance Committee raised the question of +expense--a matter that scarcely concerns my Department. + +_Memo. of Secretary of State, to be forwarded to Financial Secretary._ + +PLEASE read inclosed Report, and send on. + +_Report of Financial Secretary, to be forwarded to the Director-General +of Ordnance._ + +It is premature to consider the question of expense until it has been +decided that the introduction of this Cannonette will be of advantage to +the Service. The Ordnance Committee use the words, "Might possibly," +which are not, in themselves, a strong recommendation. It must be borne +in mind that the Army Estimates must be calculated with the greatest +attention to economy. + +_Report of Director-General of Ordnance to Commander-in-Chief._ + +I HAVE examined Cannonette, which appears to have been constructed on +the lines of a weapon manufactured in the reign of HENRY THE EIGHTH, of +which there is a specimen in the Museum at Woolwich. + +_Endorsement of Commander-in-Chief. (Packet to be put in Pigeon-hole_ +404,567 B.) + +POSSIBLY something in the notion--immediate attention unnecessary. + +_From Mr. T. Tenterfive to Mr. C. Bounder._ + +DEAR CHARLEY,--Have just been looking through our papers relative to +your pop-gun. I am afraid you will have to wait for a decision a good +long while. + +Thine ever, + +THOMAS TENTERFIVE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISILLUSION.] + +_Proud Mother._ "I SEE, HERBERT, 'S.P.G.' SEVERAL TIMES OCCURRING AMONG +YOUR EXPENSES. I'M GLAD TO FIND YOU CAN SPARE SOMETHING OCCASIONALLY FOR +THAT EXCELLENT SOCIETY." + +_Schoolboy._ "IT'S NOT EXACTLY THAT, MUMMY DEAR. IT STANDS FOR +_'SUNDRIES--PROBABLY GRUB_!'" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER OF ROBERT'S XSTRORNERRY ADWENCHURS. + +It was ony the beginnin of larst week, as I was a seekin to begile my +rayther tiresum lezzure by a wark down Cornhill--tho which is hup and +which is down that rayther strait hill it is sumtimes difficult to +say--that jest as I was a passing by the, to me, amost sacred +establishment of Messrs. BRING AND RHYMER, the great Cooks, as amost +everybody knos and reweres, I seed a henwellop a laying on the +pavement, which I naterally picked up, and put in my pocket quietly, and +then, crossing over to the Royal Xchange, jest hoppersit, I sets down on +one of the forms kindly purwided by the generus Copperashun and the +Mersers Company, six of one, and arf a dozzen of the other, for the rest +of the weary traveller. + +Then I quietly hopened my henwellop--which, strange to say, hadn't no +name on it--and hinside it I found a check for twenty-five pounds! It +was payable to "No. 2,437, or Bearer." I was that estonished that I +amost thort I shoud have feinted, the more so as won of the Beedles was +a looking at me rayther pointedly, as I thort, tho I dessay it was ony +my gilty conshence, which, as sumboddy says, makes cowards of ewen Hed +Waiters, as well as all the rest of us. So I quietly put my henwellop +with its corstly contents into my pocket, and quietly warked away bang +into the Bank as was printed in the check, and there I hands it to the +Clark at the Counter as bold as brass. Well, he jest looks at it, and +then he says, "How will you take it,--short?" So I larfs, and I says, "I +shood like it all, please." Then he larfs, and he says, "Gold or Notes?" +So I says, "Sum of each, please, in a little bag." So he gave it me, and +then, I so astonishes his week nerves by what I next said, that he +turned amost pail. "I now wants you," I sed, "to send one of your yung +gennelmen with me to the Firm as drawed that check; for it isn't reelly +mine, for I ony found it!" So he did, as it was ony a little ways off; +and there, sure enuff, was too most respectful looking Gents in a +counting-'ouse a counting out their money, like the King in the Fairy +Tail. + +"Well, my good man, and what do you want?" one of 'em said to me. So I +told 'em, and at the close of my story emtied out all the contents of my +little bag to the werry uttermost harf sovverain. "And, who is this +gennelman?" they said. "Oh," said I, "he is the Clark from the Bank cum +for to see that I acted on the square." "Well, you needn't wait any +longer," they said to him; so off he went. + +So the elder one, he says to me, what is your name? "ROBERT", I +naterally replied, and amost xpected he was a going to arsk me, "who +gave me that name," but he didn't. So he larfed, and he said, "But there +are so many of that name about, that you must tell me somethink more." +So I plucked up my curridge, and I says, boldly, "Please, Gennelmen, I +am ROBERT the City Waiter!" Well, I thinks as I never seed such a change +as cum over them too highly respectabel City Gents! They larfed quite +out loud, and they both got up and shook hands with me, and then they +larfed again, and then one on 'em said, what a lucky thing it was that +their lost check had fallen into sich honnest hands! Ah, what a grand +thing is a good karacter!--it's even better than reel Turtel and +Madeary! + +They then made me set down, and they larfed, and they chatted away, and +arsked me lots of questions, all about my warious experiences, and the +young one arsked me if I rememberd the dinner at the Manshun 'Ouse, when +he asked me for sum more champane, saying, "I 'spose it is _had lib_?" +To which, he said, I replied, "Suttenly not! you can have as much as you +like!" And then they both larfed again quite hartily, tho' I'm sure I +coudn't see what there was to larf at. + +They then arsked me jest to step out for a minnit or two, and when they +called me in they told me how pleased they was with my conduck, and, if +not offending me, they begged my acceptnse of a trifle, which shall be +nameless, but which made that memmurable day about the most +proffitablest I ewer remember. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. VII.-RECLAIMED! (CONCLUDED.) + + [Our readers will doubtless recollect the thrilling situation upon + which we were forced to drop the curtain. Lady BELLEDAME, the + hardened Grandmother of Little ELFIE, has, under the influence of + that angel-child, just vowed to amend, when, in the person of her + minion, MONKSHOOD, she is reminded of the series of atrocious crimes + she had been contemplating through his instrumentality. Struck with + remorse, she attempts to countermand them--only to find that her + orders have already been executed with a too punctual fidelity! Now + we can go on.] + +[Illustration:] + +_Lady B._ (_in a hoarse whisper_). You--you have left the parcels ... +all--_all_? Tell me--how were they received? Speak low--I would not that +yonder child should awake and hear! + +_Little Elfie_ (_behind the screen, very wide awake indeed_). Dear, good +old Grannie--she would conceal her generosity--even from _me_! +(_Loudly._) She little thinks that I am overhearing all! + +_Monks._ I could have sworn I heard whispering. + +_Lady B._ Nay, you are mistaken--'twas but the wind in the old wainscot. +(_Aside._) He is quite capable of destroying that innocent child; but, +old and attached servant as he is, there are liberties I still know how +to forbid. (_To_ M.) Your story--quick! + +_Monks._ First, I delivered the cigars to Sir VEVEY LONG, whom I found +under his verandah. He seemed surprised and gratified by the gift, +selected a weed, and was proceeding to light it, whilst he showed a +desire to converse familiarly with me. 'Astily excusing myself, I drove +away, when---- + +_Lady B._ When _what_? Do not torture a wretched old woman! + +_Monks._ When I heard a loud report behind me, and, in the portion of a +brace, two waistcoat-buttons, and half a slipper, which hurtled past my +ears, I recognised all that was mortal of the late Sir VEVEY. You mixed +them cigars uncommon strong, m'Lady. + +_Elfie_ (_aside_). Can it be? But no, no. I will _not_ believe it. I am +sure that dear Granny meant no harm! + +_Lady B._ (_with a grim pride she cannot wholly repress_). I have +devoted some study to the subject of explosives. 'Tis another triumph to +the Anti-tobacconists. And what of Lady VIOLET POWDRAY--did she apply +the salve? + +_Monks._ Judging from the 'eartrending 'owls which proceeded from +Carmine Cottage, the salve was producing the desired result. Her +Ladyship, 'owever, terminated her sufferings somewhat prematoor by +jumping out of a top winder just as I was taking my departure---- + +_Lady B._ She should have died hereafter--but no matter ... and the +Upas-tree? + +_Monks._ Was presented to the PERGAMENTS, who unpacked it, and loaded +its branches with toys and tapers; after which Mr. PERGAMENTS, Mrs. P., +and all the little PERGAMENTS joined 'ands, and danced round it in light +'arted glee. (_In a sombre tone._) They little knoo as how it was their +dance of death! + +_Lady B._ That knowledge will come! And the beer, MONKSHOOD--you saw it +broached? + +_Monks._ Upon the village green; the mortality is still spreading, it +being found impossible to undo the knots in which the victims had tied +themselves. The sweetmeats were likewise distributed, and the floor of +the hinfant-school now resembles one vast fly-paper. + +_Lady B._ (_with a touch of remorse_). The children, too! Was not my +little ELFIE once an infant? Ah me, ah me! + +_Elfie_ (_aside_). Once--but that was long, long ago. And, oh, _how_ +disappointed I am in poor dear Grandmamma! + +_Lady B._ MONKSHOOD, you should not have done these things--you should +have saved me from myself. You _must_ have known how greatly all this +would increase my unpopularity in the neighbourhood. + +_Monks._ (_sulkily_). And this is my reward for obeying orders! Take +care, my Lady. It suits you now to throw me aside like a--(_casting +about for an original simile_)--like a old glove, because this innocent +grandchild of yours has touched your flinty 'art. But where will _you_ +be when she learns----? + +_Lady B._ (_in agony_). Ah, no, MONKSHOOD, good, faithful MONKSHOOD, she +must never know that! Think, MONKSHOOD, you would not tell her that the +Grandmother to whom she looks up with such touching, childlike love, was +a--_homicide_--you would not do that? + +_Monks._ Some would say even 'omicide was not too black a name for all +you've done. (Lady BELLEDAME _shudders_.) I might tell Miss ELFIE how +you've blowed up a live Baronet, corrosive sublimated a gentle Lady, +honly for 'aving, in a moment of candour, called you a hold cat, and +distributed pison in a variety of forms about this smiling village; and, +if that don't inspire her with distrust, I don't know the nature of +children, that's all! I might tell her, I say, and, if I'm to keep my +mouth shut, I shall expect it to be considered in my wages. + +_Lady B._ I knew you had a good heart! I will pay you +anything--anything, provided you shield my guilt from her ... wait, you +shall have gold, gold, MONKSHOOD, gold! + +[_Chord. Little_ ELFIE _suddenly comes from behind screen; limelight on +her. The other two shrink back._ + +_Elfie._ Do not give that bad old man money, Grandmother,--for it will +only be wasted. + +_Lady B._ Speak, child--how much do you know? + +_Elfie._ All! + +[_Chord._ Lady B. _collapses on chair._ + +_Lady B._ (_with an effort_). And now, ELFIE, that you know, you scorn +and hate your poor old Grandmother--is it not so? + +_Elfie._ It is wrong to hate one's Grandmother, whatever she does. At +first, when I heard, I was very, very sorry. I _did_ think it was most +unkind of you. But now, oh, I _can't_ believe that you had not some +good, wise motive, in acting as you did! + +_Lady B._ (_in conscience-stricken aside_). Even _this_ cannot shatter +her artless faith ... Oh, wretch, wretch! + +[_Covers her face._ + +_Monks._ Motive--I believe you there, Missie. Why, she went and insured +all their lives aforehand, _she_ did. + +_Lady B._ MONKSHOOD, in pity hold your peace! + +_Elfie_ (_her face beaming_). I knew it--I was sure of it! Oh, Granny, +my dear, kind old Granny, you insured their lives first, so that no real +harm could possibly happen to them--oh, I am so happy! + +_Lady B._ (_aside_). What shall I say? Merciful Powers, what _shall_ I +say to her? + +[_Disturbed sounds without._ + +_Monks._ I don't know what you'd better _say_, but I can tell you what +your Ladyship had better _do_--and that is, take your 'ook while you +can. Even now the outraged populace approaches, to wreak a hawful +vengeance upon your guilty 'ed! + +[_Melodramatic music._ + +_Lady B._ (_distractedly_). A mob! I cannot face them--they will tear me +limb from limb. At my age I could not survive such an indignity as that! +Hide me, MONKSHOOD--help me to escape! + +_Monks._ There is a secret underground passage, known only to myself, +communicating with the nearest railway station. I will point it out, and +personally conduct your Ladyship--for a consideration--one thousand +pounds down. + +[_The noise increases._ + +_Elfie._ No, Grannie, don't trust him! Be calm and brave. Await the mob +here. Leave it all to me. I will explain everything to them--how you +meant no ill,--how, at the very time they thought you were meditating an +injury, you were actually spending money in insuring all their lives. +When I tell them _that_---- + +_Monks._ Ah, you tell 'em that, and see. It's too late now--they are +here. + +[_Shouts without. Lady B. crouches on floor. Little_ ELFIE _goes to the +window, throws open the shutters, and stands on balcony in her +fluttering white robe, and the limelight._ + +_Elfie._ Yes, they are here. Why, they are carrying torches!--(Lady B. +_groans_)--and banners, too! I think they have a band ... Who is that +tall, stout gentleman, in the white hat, on horseback, and the lady in a +pony-trap, with, oh, such a beautiful complexion! There is an +inscription on one of the flags--I can read it quite plainly. "_Thanks +to the generous Donor!_" (That must be _you_, Grandmother!) And there +are children who dance, and scatter flowers. They are asking for a +speech. (_Speaking off._) "If you please, Ladies and Gentlemen, my +Grandmamma is not at all well, but she wishes me to say she wishes you a +Merry Christmas, and is very glad you all like your presents so much. +Good-bye, _good_-bye! (_Returning down Stage._) Now they have gone away, +Granny ... They did look so grateful! + +_Lady B._ (_bewildered_). What is this? Sir VEVEY, Lady VIOLET,--alive, +well? This deputation of gratitude? Am I mad, dreaming--or what does it +all mean? + +_Monks._ (_doggedly_). It means that the sight of this 'ere angel-child +recalled me to a sense of what I might be exposin' myself to by carrying +out your Ladyship's commands; and so I took the liberty of substitootin +gifts more calculated to inspire gratitude in their recipients--that's +what it means. + +_Lady B._ Wretch!--then you have disobeyed me? You leave this day month! + +_Elfie_ (_pleading_). Nay, Grandmother, bear with him, for has not his +disobedience spared you from acts that you might some day have +regretted?... There, Mr. Butler, Granny forgives you--see, she holds out +her hand, and here's mine; and now---- + +_Lady B._ (_smiling tenderly_). Now you shall sing us "_Woa, Lucinda!_" + +[_Little_ ELFIE _fetches her banjo, and sings, "Woa, Lucinda!" her +Grandmother and the aged Steward joining in the dance and chorus, and +embracing the child, to form picture as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer._) + +No. II.--THE CORINTHIAN LADY. + +[Illustration:] + +The Corinthian Lady is the latest resultant of the two forces of _ennui_ +and dissipation acting on a Society that is willing to spend money and +desires to kill time. She has played many parts, some (of infinitesimal +proportions), on the burlesque stage, others in the semi-private life of +her own residence in the South-west district of London. Her versatility +has gained for her many admirers and a precarious income, but so long as +she possesses the former she scorns to live upon the latter. Being +unquestionably a real lady, she has been elected an honorary member of a +night club to which undoubted gentlemen resort. There she occasionally +consents to dance; more often she sups to an accompaniment of Viennese +music, loud and mirthless laughter, jests which are as fatuous as they +are suggestive, and wine which, unlike the humour of the plated youths, +her companions, is always sparkling and sometimes dry. + +Her real name is a mystery, which, however, she did not find attractive. +Having, therefore, abandoned it, she generally substitutes for it the +patronymic of a Norman peer, but, lest this should be thought too +strong, she dilutes it by the addition of a pet name drawn from the +nursery. By this title her fame is celebrated amongst many foolish young +men who singe themselves at the flame of her friendship, and many others +who, wishing to be thought wise, pretend to know her. Like all doves, +she plumes herself on her good looks. Unlike them, she is proud of her +bad habits; but she is a stern censor, and shows scant mercy to those +colleagues who, surpassing her in the former, lack means or chances to +attain to the splendour of the latter. Should one of these happen to be +admitted to a club she frequents, or to a supper-party she honours with +her presence, she has been known to wrap herself in her sealskins, and +to depart indignantly in her private brougham. + +She possesses the secret of nocturnal youth, and her eyes are warranted +to kill across a supper-table, yet she is no longer young, and sometimes +betrays herself by her anecdotes of familiar associations with "boys" +who have long since passed into respectability and middle-age. Though +she adores diamonds, she frequently sells them, and includes in the +transaction those who have purchased them for her; yet she retains and +wears as many jewels as would furnish forth a Duchess in a _Bow Bells_ +novel. But her elbow gloves, which rarely come within a measurable +distance of godliness, inevitably proclaim the Corinthian. + +She is constant only in her love of excitement, and in her devotion to +change, whether it be of the persons of her adorers, or of the colour of +her hair. Having early in life learnt the lesson that only those who +possess are happy, she endeavours to assure herself against misery by +transferring to herself the wealth of those who fall under her +influence, or aspire to her affections. She apes what she conceives to +be the manners of good society by a languid affectation of refinement +and a supercilious drawl, yet she has been known to clothe herself in +objurgations as in a tea-gown, and to repel with scurrility the advances +of those who are not moneyed. She earns a certain popularity by the +display of a kind of rough good-nature, and the possession of a pet +poodle. She has been seen on a coach at Ascot, and in a launch at Henley +Regatta, together with a select company of those who cultivate +excitement by not looking at the exertions of horses or athletes, whilst +they themselves drink Champagne. Nor is she unknown in the boxes of the +Gaiety or the Avenue, whither she repairs after dining at the Cafe +Royal. She goes, but not alone, to Monte Carlo, and returns, under a +different escort, to London, after losing a great deal of the money of +other people. + +She was once married to a racing man of shady reputation and great +wealth, but having soon wearied of the mock-respectability of a +quasi-matrimonial existence, she makes the acquaintance of Mr. Justice +BUTT at a moment when he is engaged neither upon the probate of wills +nor on the collisions of ships. Yet her dislike of one husband who +happened for a time to be her own has not in the least impaired her +affections for the husbands, actual or to be, of others. No lady can be +considered truly Corinthian unless she has figured as the defendant in +an action for goods supplied by a milliner. It is thus that the Public +learns the Corinthian value of silks, and satins, and laces, and +decorative butterflies. + +Finally, however, in spite of her gallant and protracted struggles, the +years overtake her. She begins to be talked of with a pitying contempt +as "OLD SO-AND-SO"; art ceases to outwit Nature, and she herself can no +longer deceive men. For some time she clings to the fringe of the +society she once adorned; but sinking gradually from the Corinthian to +the Continental, from the Continental to the Cavour, from the Cavour to +a supper-less Music-hall existence, and hence, after many misfortunes, +to the cold comfort of the pavement, she ends her days decrepit, +obscure, and unfriended, in the back bed-room of a Soho lodging. + + * * * * * + +GHOSTLESS BOSTON. + +[It is said that the Psychical Society could find no authentic stories +of ghosts in Boston, U.S.A.] + + Not a ghost in bumptious Boston! Do the souls of men whose books, + So they tell us, outshine DICKENS, rise superior to "spooks"? + Do the phantoms, having read them, fly in terror and in pain + At the cult of vivisection of _La belle Americaine_? + HOWELLS puffs up DUDLEY WARNER, who declares his HOWELLS fine. + Do the spectres hate "log-rolling," and to haunt the place decline? + + Are there no ghosts in New England? Really, this is something new. + Where did famous _Rip van Winkle_ see old HUDSON'S phantom crew? + Are the Katskills now unhaunted, where those silent elders bowled, + And _Rip_ brought the keg of liquor, and the awful thunder rolled? + Or do those immortal spectres very wisely count as nought + All the tricks of spirit-rappers and sham readers of our thought? + + Did the Pilgrims of the _Mayflower_, as we must perforce surmise, + Leave ancestral ghosts behind them when they sailed 'neath alien skies? + There is something in the notion, for it was a risky trip, + And a spectre is a nuisance when he gibbers on board ship. + So, no doubt, those sturdy people, when they crossed Atlantic foam, + From an economic motive, left their phantoms all at home. + + Or it may be disembodied spirits, when abroad they walk, + Cannot stand the stucco culture and the egotistic talk; + WARNER may have "lovely manners," HOWELLS swears he has, but then + Ghosts have seen as good in days of stately dames and high-born men; + While a curious nasal accent, just a _soupcon_ of a twang, + May cause spectres of refinement an involuntary pang. + + So it seems the phantoms shun it, be the reason what it may, + Not a single ghost of Boston owns to living there to-day. + Possibly, if we but knew it, an American's too spry, + And he takes his spirit with him when he condescends to die; + Any way the "spooks" have vanished, and the spectres of old time + Only live in cheap romances and the poet's idle rhyme. + + * * * * * + +FORTUNATE AND ECONOMICAL. + +DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS didn't go over to Brussels the other day for +nothing. What he had in his pocket at starting we are not aware, but it +is certain that, while abroad, he collared a tenner, which is to last +him through the ensuing season at Covent Garden. The new tenor's name is +"YBOO." Beautiful name! "Why boo?" Ask _Sir Pertinax Macsycophant_, who +tells us that "boo'ing" (not "for BALFOUR") is the only way to get on in +life. The tenor, if successful, will be able to reply to "Y-BOO" with +the satisfactory answer--"Because I'm called before the Curtain." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.] + +_Jones_ (_nervously conscious that he is interrupting a pleasant +tete-a-tete_). "A--I'M SORRY TO SAY I'VE BEEN TOLD TO TAKE YOU IN TO +SUPPER, MISS BELSIZE!" + + * * * * * + +GRANDOLPH'S LATEST. + + Yes; "one man in his time plays many parts," + But GRANDOLPH posing on a Temperance platform? + Young Tories who so praised their hero's arts + Hardly expected him to show in _that_ form. + He was their Coming Champion; he'd revive + The memories of the mighty days of BEAKY. + Him they could trust to keep the game alive; + Was he not vigorous, various, cool, and cheeky? + GLADSTONE he'd beard, Corruption he would throttle. + And here he stands behind the Water-Bottle! + + As the political Puck he was rare fun, + As young Bellerophon he was a wonder; + He'd see that England had the biggest gun, + He'd end the era of expensive blunder. + E'en as _Jack Sheppard_ collaring GLADSTONE'S "swag," + The Tory-Democratic hosts admired him; + And when he seemed to stumble or to lag, + They swore he'd be "all there"--when they required him. + But _did_ they picture him upon the stump + As the Grand Young Apostle of the Pump? + + He, whose amazing advent was all fire, + Stoop to the leaden level of cold water? + A spectacle indeed to tame and tire + The zeal of his most confident supporter. + What will DUNRAVEN say? Quidnuncs will quiz, + And Balfour-worshippers will smirk and chuckle, + And ask if he considers it "good biz" + To the Teetotal interest to truckle. + They may be right--or wrong, these babblers busy. + They were not _always_ right about BEN DIZZY. + + Meanwhile he poses there as advocate + Of this last panacea of his adoption. + He holds the only way to save the State + Is Temperance, enforced by Local Option. + Spirited Foreign Policy? Anon! + Fiscal Economy? Quite secondary! + All is no use till the Drink-Demon's gone! + BUNG, who so loved him, feels his colour vary; + And, while he perorates to all men's wonder. + Smug WILFRID smiles and whispers, "That's _my_ thunder!" + + * * * + +[Illustration: GRANDOLPH'S LATEST.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +My faithful "Co." has been reading _Marooned_, by Mr. CLARK RUSSELL, an +author who delights in stories of nautical adventure. My worthy follower +declares that the novel, although rather spun out, is full of interest. +He was especially pleased with Mr. CLARK RUSSELL'S anxiety to make his +meaning clear when talking of things maritime. He particularly instances +a passage in Vol. II., page 17. Here it is: "It is proper I should state +here, for the information for those to whom sea-terms are +unintelligible, that a studding-sail-boom is a long smooth spar that +reeves through irons, fixed upon the yard to which it belongs." How +land-lubbers would be able to understand the marine technicalities Mr. +RUSSELL introduces into his stories without explanations such as this, +it would be difficult to say. But with such assistance, a +studding-sail-boom becomes as easy of identification as a marling-spike +lashed to a forecastle spinaker-boom, close hauled aport under trysails, +blowing out like flags from the grips of clew-lines and leech-lines +towards the close of a second dog-watch! Shiver LINDLEY MURRAY'S +timbers! but what can be finer than a bulkhead battened down with the +scandalised main-sail of a top-gallant clipper-rigged halliard! Ah, what +indeed! + +"Co." has also been improving his mind by reading a new edition of Mr. +JOSEPH FOSTER'S _Noble and Gentle Families of Royal Descent_, in which +he has found, amongst other interesting matter, the recently much +discussed pedigree of the Duke of FIFE. Like all Mr. FOSTER'S books of +reference, the two handsome volumes are invaluable to the genealogist, +and no library can be accurately said to be _quite_ complete without +them. + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +DAUBIGNY IN BOND STREET.--Through the organisation of Messrs. BOUSSOD, +VALADON & CO., and the kindness of Mr. JAMES STAATS FORBES, Mr. W. +CUTHBERT QUILTER, Mr. ALEXANDER YOUNG, and other courteous collectors, +we are enabled to enjoy, at the Goupil Gallery, as many as forty-three +works by this distinguished _paysagiste_ of the Barbizon School. Nothing +of the "daub" to be seen here excepting in the first half of the name. +Charming collection. Nice boys they were of the Barbizon School, all in +the best form. _Mr. Punch_ recommends everybody not to neglect to pay an +immediate visit to this superb exhibition. + + * * * * * + +LE KICK-BALLE FIGHT. + + "No definite date has yet been fixed for the football match which is + to take place here between an English and a French eleven, the + latter consisting of pupils from the Lycee Janson de Sailly, but the + preliminary negotiations are still proceeding."--_Letter of Paris + Correspondent._ + +MON CHER MONSIEUR, + +[Illustration:] + +It is with the feelings of _a 'Igh Life-Sporting-Gentlemans_ most +ecstatic and profound, that I find myself preparing "_Le Onze_" of the +great spirited youths of our Lycee, who have, brave-souled heroes, +volunteered to meet on the _veritable champ de bataille_ of the +kicke-legges-match your Public-school-team, who have thrown in their +faces the challenge glove of combat. I say, I am preparing, but this +means, of course, with such modifications of your _Jeu-de-Rugby_ rules, +which, indeed, turn the struggle into _un vrai carnage_, degrading alike +to humanity and civilisation, as will permit the enlightened children of +our great, refined and Republican France, to meet their antagonists not +with the savage antics of Blood-thirsty Cannibals, which seem to +characterise what you term "_le scrimmage_," as practised by your +contending "_'ome-teams_" at _le Hovals_ and other arenas, where meet +and rend each other with the fury unrestrained, terrible and +indescribable of the wild beasts and gladiators of the barbaric Roman +Circus, of ancient times, but with the humanised activity of that +expurgated and refined form of the contest which has enabled the +courageous but reasoning youth of this great reforming and Republic +France of ours, to throw open wide her arms and welcome to her heart +elastic and generous _Le Kick-Balle Fight_, as henceforth her own chosen +and peculiar national game. + +You can understand, _Mon cher Monsieur_, that I cannot, in the short +space at my disposal in this limited letter, do more than merely outline +the suggestion of the New Rules, but when I assure you that they have +been cautiously thought out, drawn up and revised by a carefully +selected Committee, comprising, among other noted experts, a +Major-General of Engineers, two Analytical Chemists, a Balloon +Proprietor, an Archbishop, a Wild-beast Tamer, a Ballet Master, a +Professor of Anatomy, a Patent Artificial Limb Maker, and a Champion +Fighter of _Le Boxe Americain_, you will see that the features of the +game, gay, murderous, active, and terrible, have all been considered +with a due regard to their preservation where this has been found +compatible with the sacredness of human life and the protection of _le +shin_ from too much furious and brutal bruising. But here I subjoin a +few of the simpler "New Provisions" as adopted by the Committee. + +1. "Le Balle."--He will be constructed of Gold-beater's Skin, and +covered with Pink or Blue Satin, with perhaps a few White Silk Bows, +sewn on to him for the purpose of elegant adornment. It is this making +of "Le Balle," a light, gay, and altogether ethereal creation which will +strike the key-note of the new game of _Le Kick-Balle Fight_ as a +recognised pastime for the courageous youth of modern France. + +2. _Le Onze_, will all wear one uniform, which will consist of white +satin slippers, pantalons of cashmere, with feather pillows worn as a +protection strapped over the knees, a bolster being wound round the body +to safeguard the chest, ribs, and spinal column. A broad gay, coloured +satin sash with a cocked hat and ostrich feathers completes the costume. +The last to indicate, owing to the risks and dangers in which the +combatants may be involved, its association with _le vrai champs de +bataille_, to which, but for the "new provisions" it would bear such a +terrible and striking resemblance. + +3. "Le 'Arf-back."--This dangerous officer is abolished altogether, the +Committee being of opinion, unanimous and decisive, that the position is +only provocative of strife. + +4. "Le Forward."--He is for the same reason equally abolished, and in +the French game exists no more. + +5. "Le Goal-keepere."--He may keep "Le Goal" if he can do so without +danger of being struck in the face with "Le Balle." + +6. "Le Balle" must, on no account, be touched with the foot, but merely +slapped playfully, enough for the purposes of propulsion, with the palm +of the open hand. + +7. "Le Scrimmage." This barbarous and savage entanglement is absolutely +_defendu_. No two opposing combatants must ever, under any +circumstances, permit themselves to touch each other. The great skill of +the new game will be, by subtle and appropriate gesticulation, to dance +out of each other's way. On any two opposing combatants, by any chance, +touching each other, "Le Capitaine" of either side will appeal to the +Umpire, and, after the manner of "Le jeu de Cricket," will propose for +him the simple question, "Mister Umpire, 'ow is that?" Upon which, that +official saying "Out!" the two offenders will be struck from the game, +and enjoy no share of "Le gate-money," if that is the prize for which +the two teams are honourably contending. + +The above, _Mon cher Monsieur_, are the principal Rules, as arranged by +the Committee, and you will see that they have been drawn up with a view +to eliminating the bloodthirsty _boule-dogue_ ferocity from a pastime +which, under the title of _Le Kick-Balle Fight_, bids fair to become the +characteristic sport, gay, active, and courage-inspiring, of our modern +French youth awakened with _elan_ and ardour to the athletic spirit of +the age which has overtaken them. + +Receive, _Mon cher Monsieur_, the assurance of my most distinguished +consideration, + + Le Heads-Masterre of the Lycee Janson de Sailly. + + * * * * * + +THE FARTHING NOVEL SERIES. + +Now that the entire works of the late WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE can be +purchased (allowing for discount) for fourpence-halfpenny, it seems +strange that no publisher has issued the more celebrated of our romances +at the rate per volume of the smallest coin of the realm. That it can be +done will be obvious to the meanest comprehension. All that is required +is brevity and intelligibility. It is only necessary to give an outline +of the story--the sketchier the better. If a little "local colouring" +can be thrown in, no harm will be done. But that local colouring must be +distinctly modern. Again, if sentiments calculated to be popular with +the class by whom the series is likely to be purchased are introduced, a +distinct gain will be the consequence. But as an example is better than +pages of description, a sample is subjoined:-- + + IVANHOE; + +_Or, The Disguised Knight, the Distressed Jewess, and the Templar who +did not Behave like a Gentleman._ + + CHAPTER I. + +"You are very welcome," said CEDRIC the Saxon, for the fifth time, as +Sir BRIAN DE BOIS-GILBERT took down the Fair ROWENA to supper. "As for +you, WILFRID the Pilgrim, sit below the salt, and, Sir Seneschal, keep +your eyes upon the horn spoons." + +"And this is the curse of the land," murmured the heir, as he helped +himself to plum-pasty, the forerunner of plum-pudding. "It is this +haughtiness that causes our yeomen to strike, and makes ROBIN HOOD, +Friar TUCK, and the rest of his merry men possible!" + + CHAPTER II. + +The next day joined in the tournament. It was a grand sight. The horses +pranced, the plumes flowed in the wind. The refreshments were executed +by contract, at so much a head, by a body of adventurers, who had +combined together to keep down prices. + +"Nay, beshrew thee, man!" exclaimed JOHN, the Smith, to THOMAS the +Jones--a contraction of joiner. "It is these +combinations--co-operations, as Sir EVANS, the Clerk at the church over +yonder hath it--that ruin trade." Before THOMAS the Jones or joiner +could reply, there was a crash, and it was known that Sir BRIAN had been +overcome by a Knight who had no crest. + +"He does not deserve to win," said a Herald to a Pursuivant--"defrauding +us of our fees! No coat-of-arms; no pedigree! It is simply disgraceful." + +"Ay, and so it is," replied the under-officers of the College of Arms. +"But see yonder is ISAAC of YORK the Jew. Join me in a bond, and we will +avail ourselves of his usury." And within twenty-four hours the two +gentles had borrowed one-and-sevenpence-halfpenny! + + CHAPTER III. + +In the meanwhile Sir BRIAN had carried off REBECCA, been slain, and +disposed of. + + CHAPTER IV. + +Then there was a magnificent wedding, as WILFRID of Ivanhoe, no longer +the disowned, but the heir to estates belonging to a highly respectable +county family led his bride to the altar. + +"Methinks she takes the cake," whispered WAMBA the Jester. + +"Not until after the breakfast," replied RICHARD COEUR DE LION, +throwing off his disguise as the Nameless Knight, and appearing in the +full costume of a monarch. + +"Long live the King!" shouted the populace. + +"You are right to utter that wish," returned His Majesty, "so long as I +reign without attempting to govern. Believe me, it is better to have +universal suffrage than a despot who may be at once cruel and +incompetent." + +"In fact, an idiot," put in a reporter, who was doing the ceremony for a +local record. + +"Quite so," acquiesced the Monarch; and then, turning to the +newly-married pair, he observed, "Bless you, my children! Mark me, I +order you to live in happiness for ever afterwards." + +And IVANHOE and his bride obeyed the royal command. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration:] + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TORY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 17._--"Better be in your place +early," said CHAPLIN, passing me as he marched with long strides across +resounding corridor. + +"Yes, I know. OLD MORALITY'S going to say what Government will do about +PARNELL Commission's Report; everybody anxious to know." + +"It's not that, dear boy, not that," said our new Minister, in +compassionate tone. "I have two questions to answer. First time, don't +you know; everybody dying to see how it goes off; warrant you they +shan't be disappointed." + +COBB the Curious came on with first interrogatory. All about fox-hunting +and fox-hunters. Pretty to see COBB, having submitted his question under +ten sub-heads, place hands on knees and fix Minister with steady stare. +CHAPLIN advanced to table with graceful carriage and confident bearing; +produced with imposing flourish a sheaf of notes, foolscap size, stoutly +sewn, apparently exceeding a dozen in number; began to read with +practised elocutionary art; drew the covert, "so to speak," as T. W. +RUSSELL protests he said when telling the men of Manchester that WILLIAM +O'BRIEN must be taken by the throat. No draw; went to next covert--I +mean turned over another folio. House began to murmur; CHAPLIN, +accepting involuntary applause, read on with increased impressiveness +and complacency; murmurs grew into shout. At view-halloa! fox started; +fifth folio now reached; only seven more to read. CHAPLIN began to wish +GOSCHEN or OLD MORALITY would go and fetch him glass of water. Cries +from crowd grew louder. At last CHAPLIN, looking up, beheld, through +astonished glasses, Opposition indulging in roar of contumely. Wouldn't +have taken him more than quarter of an hour or twenty minutes to finish +his few remarks, and yet a lot of miserable Members who didn't know a +fox from a hare wouldn't let him go on! Struggled gallantly for some +minutes; at last sat down; whole pages of his answer unrecited. + +[Illustration: The Inquiring Cobb.] + +Speeches all night in continued Debate on the Address. PARNELL has moved +Amendment arraigning BALFOUR'S administration in Ireland. WILLIAM +O'BRIEN, chancing to be out of prison, looks in and delivers fiery +harangue in support of Amendment. But yesterday, BALFOUR, his gaoler; +ordered his food; not too much of it and not full variety; fixed his +hours of going to bed and getting up. Now prison-doors opened by lapse +of time; O'BRIEN walks out through Westminster Hall into House of +Commons; stands before SPEAKER on equal terms with his whilom gaoler, +and scolds him magnificently. By-and-by BALFOUR will probably have his +turn again, and O'BRIEN will be eating and drinking the bread and water +of affliction. Meanwhile, storms at top of his voice, beats the air with +long lean arm and clenched hand, and makes dumb dogs of English Members +sad with musing on the inequalities of fortune, which has given these +Irishmen the great gift of pointedly saying what they have at heart. + +_Business done._--Debate on Address. + +_Tuesday._--"Well," said THOMAS BAYLEY POTTER, sinking slowly into +corner seat, grateful to find that PETER O'BRIEN was his neighbour, for +PETER finds it possible to pack himself into a limited space and THOMAS +BAYLEY'S proportions are roomy--"well it _is_ nice to see how these old +colleagues love one another. Come next April, I have sat in House man +and boy for twenty-five years. Have found that on some pretext, on one +occasion or another, they are always at it, scratching each other's +face, pulling one another's hair, or stabbing each other in the back. +Why don't they all join the Cobden Club, sink minor differences, and be +friends ever after?" + +[Illustration: The Cobden Club.] + +As THOMAS BAYLEY thus mused, he gazed across Gangway on to Front +Opposition Bench. An interesting incident developing. HENRY JAMES on his +legs (generally on one) opposing PARNELL'S Amendment to Address. He +stands between the outstretched legs of his two dear and right hon. +friends, GLADSTONE and JOHN MORLEY. Just beyond JOHN MORLEY, TREVELYAN +sits. At the other side of GLADSTONE, HARCOURT towers, toying with the +gracious folds of his massive chin, looking straight before him with +sphynx-like gaze. According to etiquette and usage, JAMES should be +addressing the Chair; but his back is turned to SPEAKER. He faces half +round to Front Opposition Bench, and, with left foot clasped round right +ankle, elbow of right arm leaning on box, and clenched left hand +swinging to and fro in perilous proximity to a grand old proboscis, he +literally drives home his argument. House may listen, if it pleases, +like crowd closing in on street squabble; HENRY JAMES is having it out +with his old friends and Leader; professing fullest respect, and even +reverence for his right hon. friend the Member for Midlothian, but at +same time showing how utterly, hopelessly wrong he and his have gone +since his former Solicitor-General parted company. + +HARCOURT, a little out of it, sits and ponders, possibly thinking of the +days when he was plain Mr. VERNON HARCOURT, and, seated below the +Gangway, used, in company with his young friend, Mr. HENRY JAMES, to bait +GLADSTONE, then on Treasury Bench, hastening to the catastrophe of 1874. + +"Makes me feel quite old," said THOMAS BAYLEY POTTER, dexterously +appropriating another half-inch of the space that rightfully belonged to +PETER O'BRIEN. "Seems but yesterday that HARCOURT and JAMES were in the +running, one for Attorney-General, the other Solicitor-General. But +getting it, having got it, or having abandoned it, seems all to lead to +the same end--the worrying of the Grand Old Man." + +_Business done._--PARNELL'S Amendment to Address negatived by 307 Votes +against 240. + +_Wednesday._--LYCIDAS is dead--dead in his prime! It was this very +morning, in the earliest moments of its birth, that I watched JOSEPH +GILLIS walking up the floor shoulder to shoulder with old friend DICK +POWER, "telling" in division on PARNELL'S Amendment to Address. Beaten, +of course, but majority diminished, and JOEY beamed as he walked across +Lobby towards Cloak-Room. Rather a sickly beam, compared with wild +lights that used to flash from his eyes in the old times, when majority +against Home Rule was a great deal more than 67. + +"Yes, I _am_ a little tired, TOBY, dear boy," he said. "These dull +sittings and early adjournments don't suit me. I was better and stronger +in the old times, when we used to sit up all night and fight all day. +Remember thirteen years ago, when I slept for an hour on two chairs in +the Library? Returned to House at five in morning; found them all +looking jaded and worn; cheered them up by saying I'd come back like a +giant refreshed. Well, I'll go home now, have a good sleep, be all right +in the morning." + +And when we are gathered in House for Wednesday's sitting we learn that +all is right indeed, and that poor old JOEY B. lies quiet, with face +upturned, in his alien lodgings off Clapham Common. + +He would be surprised if he knew with what warm and sincere feeling his +sudden taking-off is mourned. At the time he spoke of, thirteen years +back, he was certainly the most abhorred person on the premises, and +gleefully chuckled over consciousness of the fact. But the House, with +nearer knowledge, learned to recognise his sterling qualities, and now, +when Death rounds off with tragic touch the comicalities of his public +life, everyone has a kindly word to say for JOSEPH GILLIS. + +_Business done._--Debate on Address. + +_Thursday._--"Curious," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, "how habits ingrained +in early life, born in the blood as it were, come out at chance times. +Here's OLD MORALITY been for a generation practically divorced from +business affairs in the Strand, and yet look at him now, and listen to +him!" + +Strange transmogrification truly. Arose on question put by HUNTER as to +when the ten volumes of evidence, upon which Report of Special Committee +founded, would be on the bookstalls. OLD MORALITY at the table in a +moment, his manner brisk yet deferential, his hands involuntarily +wandering over the books and papers scattered about, as if he were +looking for special edition someone on other side of counter had asked +for. + +"The Evidence," he said, "given before the Special Commission occupies +eleven volumes, consisting of the Evidence and Appendix, and they will +probably be followed by a twelfth volume containing Index matter. We +trust that the first eleven volumes will be ready for delivery to +customers before the 1st of March." + +[Illustration: District Councils.] + +PETER O'BRIEN, not yet expanded since compressed by contiguity of THOMAS +BAYLEY POTTER, asked whether complete copies of the evidence would be +supplied to other persons incriminated, but not being Members of the +House? OLD MORALITY at the counter again; the old Adam in him stronger +than ever. Here was a pretty proposal! Bound to supply this interesting +work gratuitously to Members of Parliament; to go beyond that most +unbusinesslike. + +"No, Sir," he said, firmly; "it is open to other persons to obtain the +volumes by purchase." + +House roared with laughter, turned delighted from this little comedy to +face the gloomy prospect of STANSFELD on District Councils. + +_Business done._--Still harping on Address. + +_Friday Night._--"Strange," said J. A. PICTON, slowly rubbing his brawny +hands, "how in our ashes live our wonted fires." + +Dwelt amongst dead ashes all week; dreary dulness. To-night, in very +last hour of week, Debate suddenly flashes forth in brilliant flame, +worthy of old traditions. CHAMBERLAIN, with his back to the wall, faced +and flanked by jeering, scornful, angry Liberals. Explains why he's +going to vote with Government against demand for Free Education. A +tough, dialectical job, requiring skill, temper, courage. CHAMBERLAIN +displays each quality. Cool, collected, master of the situation, deftly +warding off thundering blows, and now and then changing, with swift +action, from defensive to offensive. A pretty sight, worth waiting a +week for. + +_Business done._--ACLAND'S Motion for Free Education rejected by 223 +Votes against 163. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: "THE MISS!" + +_Gillie._ "EH, MON! BUT IT'S FORTUNATE THERE'S BEEF IN ABERDEEN!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE KENT COAL HOLE. + +Finding Coal in the Channel Tunnel Works. Rush of delighted S.E.R. +Shareholders to Shakspeare's Cliff.] + + * * * * * + +SONG FOR MR. STANSFELD, M.P. + +(_Adapted from Mr. J. L. Toole's "Speaker's Eye"._) + +_Refrain._ + + In Eyer-land I used to try, + But I never could catch a P'leeceman's eye. + I never could catch---- [_Whistles._ + + _Chorus of Members, led by the Speaker._ + + He never could catch---- + + _Mr. Stansfeld and Chorus ensemble._ + + I } never could catch the P'leeceman's eye. + He} + +Copies should be on sale in the House, with an illustration by Mr. FRANK +LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P. + + * * * * * + +Forthcoming Book, a "Standard" Work (in the Press), New Edition of +_Allsopp's Fables_. N.B.--This volume will contain two extra Fables, +illustrating the proverb of "Allsopps to Cerberus," and "There's many a +slip between the mug and the Hind-lip." Many novel pints will be +introduced. + + * * * * * + +"FESTINA LENTE."--Get through Lent festively. + + * * * * * + + NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., + Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no + case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and + Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +98, March 1, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, MARCH 1, 1890 *** + +***** This file should be named 29992.txt or 29992.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/9/9/29992/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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