diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-8.txt | 1615 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 31877 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1434041 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/29930-h.htm | 1808 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/073a.png | bin | 0 -> 54897 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/073b.png | bin | 0 -> 70191 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/074.png | bin | 0 -> 133505 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/075a.png | bin | 0 -> 139829 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/075b.png | bin | 0 -> 22650 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/076.png | bin | 0 -> 18694 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/077.png | bin | 0 -> 15127 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/078.png | bin | 0 -> 169079 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/079.png | bin | 0 -> 160481 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/081a.png | bin | 0 -> 121260 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/081b.png | bin | 0 -> 13593 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/082.png | bin | 0 -> 213348 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/083a.png | bin | 0 -> 144511 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/083b.png | bin | 0 -> 11635 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/084a.png | bin | 0 -> 11682 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/084b.png | bin | 0 -> 44582 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/084c.png | bin | 0 -> 50946 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930-h/images/084d.gif | bin | 0 -> 171 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930.txt | 1615 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29930.zip | bin | 0 -> 31834 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
27 files changed, 5054 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/29930-8.txt b/29930-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1037786 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1615 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 +February 15, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 February 15, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 8, 2009 [EBook #29930] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, FEB 15, 1890 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98 + + FEBRUARY 15, 1890 + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS. + + "Très volontiers," repartit le démon. "Vous aimez les tableaux + changeans: je veux vous contenter." + + _Le Diable Boiteux._ + + XX. + + Sweet odours, radiant colours, glittering light! + How swift a change from the dusk sodden night + Of London in mid-winter! + _Titania_ here might revel as at home; + Fair forms are floating soft as Paphian foam, + Bright as an iceberg-splinter. + + Dianas doubtless, yet their frost holds fire; + The snowiest bosom covers soft desire, + And these are snowy, verily. + As blanched--and bare--as Himalaya's peaks, + Light-vestured as a troop of dancing Greeks. + Waltz-measures ripple merrily. + + Merrily? Yes; the music throbs with mirth, + Feet trip in time to it; yet what strange dearth + Of glee midst all these graces! + The quickening fire of spirit, passion, will, + Seems scarce to move these dancing forms or thrill + These irresponsive faces. + + The Shadow smiled. "True, yet not true," he said. + "Good Form demands that men should look half dead, + And women semi-frozen. + Yet Nature lives beneath these modish masks + Somewhere, sometimes, with energy that tasks + Caste's rigid rule to cozen. + + "Pygmalion's prayer breathed life into the stone, + But see yon graceful girl, with straitened zone + And statuesque still bearing. + You'd say in her the marble must invade + The flesh, in so much loveliness arrayed, + Such radiant raiment wearing. + + "Whirled in the waltz's formal maze by one + Who might be a broad-cloth'd automaton, + For any show of pleasure, + She moves with drooping lids, and lips apart, + And scarce a flush to show that a young heart + Throbs to the pulsing measure." + + "Men meet to moon, and women whirl to wed, + The cynic says. Is joy in life quite dead. + Gladness in concourse banished + From the parades of fashionable youth? + Have maiden tenderness and manly truth + From Vanity Fair quite vanished?" + + "Soft!" sneered the Shadow. "Questionings like these + Sound _gauche_ and gushing. Better far to freeze + To the right social zero, + Than stoop to zeal and frank display of zest, + Notes of the vulgar glories that invest + The housemaid-novel's hero. + + "Nothing more useful than the surface-ice + Of stiff stolidity. Vigour, aye, and vice, + Therein find ready covert. + Wickedness here may lurk, or even wit. + Not to name happiness; but naught of it + Is obvious and overt. + + "How bored they look, the slim stiff-collared boys! + Energy that is eager and enjoys + They may anon make show of + In some less honest haunt; here as in pain + They creak and crawl, devoid of that _sans gêne_ + That virtue seems sworn foe of. + + "Languidly circumvolving, lounging lank, + In scuffling circle or in mural rank, + Of misery mechanic + They look the wooden symbols; nought to show + That even well-starched linen's sheeny snow + Veils impulses volcanic. + + "That straight-limb'd son of Anak circling there + Much like a whirling semaphore, strange care + His boyish forehead wrinkling? + The season's catch! His sire, is great in Soap, + His partner's mother yonder sits; with hope + Her watchful eyes are twinkling. + + "The twirling twain are silent. Silence sits + Lord of the revel, incubus of wits + Arch palsier of prattle + Yet many a girl here mute's a chatterer sweet, + And many a youth in circles less discrete + Is an 'agreeable rattle.' + + "Respectability's austere restraint + Rules them relentlessly; smiles forced and faint + And joyless facial spasms + Their meetings and their mutterings attend. + Jerky approximations quickly end + In void unvocal chasms. + + "Yet still they circle, and yet still they loll. + A marionette wooing a wooden doll + Would look more animated + Than yonder pair, revolving interlaced, + Exchanging commonplaces leaden-paced, + Or repartees belated." + + "Mammon by day and maundering at night + Oh, Shade!" I cried, "can furnish scant delight, + The Race for Wealth is rapid. + How can the feverish rush find true relief + In heartless intercourse, as bald as brief, + Amusement vain as vapid?" + + "Amusement? Intercourse? They scarce exist." + The Shadow answered. "Some Boeotian mist + Society blinds and muddles. + True recreation in this joyless round? + The sea's bright changefulness as soon were found + In Pedlington's rain-puddles. + + "The cliques and coteries know not how to mix. + A barrier more impassable than Styx + Is Philistine stupidity. + Were mutual amusement meeting's aim, + Mind _must_ move maidenhood inert and tame, + Melt masculine rigidity. + + "Concourse, not intercourse, is what you see: + To mix, and sympathise, and to be free, + Is the true sociality. + These meet, like marbles mingled in a bag, + And the net outcome, friend, is friction, fag, + Boredom, and sheer banality. + + "The strongest symptom of quick life crops out + In watchful mutual mockery. Gibe and flout + In low asides flow freely. + Oh, bland elysium for the brave and fair, + Whose pleasures are the snigger and the stare, + Chill snub, and eye-glance steely! + + "Prigdom's Philistia, though a polished State, + Has not yet learned quite how to recreate. + Gath in the ball-room gathers, + Askelon haunts 'At homes,' but little joy + Bring they to man or matron, girl or boy, + To swells or City-fathers." + + (_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +AU REVOIR! + +Mr. PUNCH _and_ Mr. J. L. TOOLE _discovered smoking a last cigar_. + +_Mr. P._ And so, my dear JOHNNIE, you are leaving us at once? + +_Mr. J. L. T._ Yes, Sir, but I hope soon to be back again. I am looking +forward to the voyage as an excellent digestive to all the luncheons, +dinners, and suppers I have been taking for the last five or six weeks. + +_Mr. P._ I have no doubt they have been a little trying--eh, JOHNNIE? + +_Mr. J. L. T._ And yet, as I have observed in the _Upper Crust_, "they +were very welcome." But, Sir, how did I get through my oratory? Did you +notice my speeches at the Garrick and the Savage? Which did you prefer? + +_Mr. P._ I heard the first, and read a report of the second, and can +conscientiously declare they were equally good. + +_Mr. J. L. T._ I am glad to hear you say so, Sir. I confess I didn't +think there was _much_ to choose between them. And now (_with deep +emotion_), will you excuse my glove? + +_Mr. P._ No; I won't say good-bye; for wherever you may roam, my dear +JOHNNIE, you will have this consolation--you will find me there before +you! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "There is now a strong impression that the Money Market +has at last tided over the period of tightness."--_Daily News_, Feb. 4.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST.] + + _A Song of a Strange Development._ + + Will you walk into my Congress? says the Emperor unto Labour; + 'Tis the nicest little Congress; I'm inviting many a neighbour. + The way into my Congress by this Rescript I prepare, + And we shall have some curious things to show you--when you're there. + Then won't you, won't you, little International Working-Man? + + We've already done a little to improve poor Labour's lot, + Shorten its hours, insure its life, and help to fill its pot. + But the poorer and the weaker yet fall short of the reality + Of "conformity to the principles of Chris-ti-an morality." + Then won't you, &c. + + 'Tis one of the State's duties, friends, to regulate the time, + The duration and the nature of your work,--a task sublime; + And you'll find we'll do it better, if you only won't resist, + Than that most obnoxious personage, the shouting Socialist. + Then won't you, &c. + + I'm an Emperor by profession, but I have my little plan + For improving the position of the German Working-man. + But the International Question stands a little in the way, + So I've asked the Nations to convene--I only hope they may. + Then won't you, &c. + + And when they get together they will do--well, we shall see; + But the Socialists shan't have _all_ their own way with Industry. + _I_ recognise the justice of the Workmen's aspirations, + And upon their wants and wishes I would start "negotiations." + Then won't you, &c. + + Oh, I know my plan will bring up all the fogies in full blast, + And Coercion and Protection I see looking on aghast. + But I'm game to turn deaf ear to them, if _you_ will only list, + To that latest, strangest birth of time, the Imperial Socialist! + Then won't you, &c. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT. + +_Hints from the Chancellor of the Exchequer's correspondence._ + +SIR,--If you wish to immortalise yourself as Chancellor of the +Exchequer, now is your opportunity. You have a surplus, I believe, of +eight or nine millions? This is about the figure required to provide the +Members of the London County Council with a moderate-sized palace, not +perhaps entirely suited to their exalted dignity, but, at least, +sufficient to house them in something like proper and fitting style. A +site should be secured on the Embankment, by clearing away Somerset +House, and the intervening buildings, including the blocks of the Inner +and Middle Temple, which could all be carted away and re-erected further +down, say, at Millbank, and on the space thus secured a white marble +structure could be reared with an adequately imposing façade facing the +river, that would in some slight degree represent the majesty of the +illustrious body destined to occupy it. I don't say that nine millions +would be enough thoroughly to carry out the design I have in view, but +your surplus might serve as a central fund to begin upon, to which +Parliament, no doubt, would cheerfully add another five or six millions +if required. Such an obvious use for your money, I feel, needs no +further argument from yours encouragingly and suggestively, + + A FULL BLOWN LONDON COUNTY COUNCILLOR. + +SIR,--I have several near relatives in the Colonies, with whom I have, +owing to the present exorbitant rates for postage, not communicated for +many years. This fact has suggested to me that _the_ golden opportunity +now offers itself to you of re-uniting family ties, re-opening closed +correspondence, restoring natural affection in otherwise hardened +breasts, and, in a word, consolidating the Empire, it may be, for +countless ages yet unborn. Spend your surplus, Sir, in providing this +country and all her dependencies with a _farthing postage_--mind, not a +_penny_, but a FARTHING POSTAGE! I read somewhere that the actual cost +to the Government for the transport of letters was at the rate of ten +for a penny. Thus your four millions sunk in the enterprise ought to +produce you an immediate profit, at least so I make it, of six millions +a year. But, profit or no profit, think of the boon to thousands of +Englishmen like myself, who could then stand a penny-worth of +correspondence in the year, with children with whom now they are unable +to communicate, owing to the cruel and crushing charge of fivepence for +a single letter. Picture one who, though not close over money matters, +and full of love for his offspring, must yet sign himself + + A CIRCUMSPECT AND CAUTIOUS PARENT. + +SIR,--Have you read Lord WOLSELEY's article in this month's _Harper_? He +advises a higher rate of pay for the rank and file of the British Army? +_Verbum sap._ You understand. It is clear what you must do with your +surplus. Ensure TOMMY ATKINS six-and-six-pence a day, and you will have +every Regiment in the Service thronged with real live Gentlemen. This is +what is wanted (so I gather from Lord W.'s article) to make the British +Army, if not the most costly, at least the most respectable in the +world. Come, Sir, do not make it necessary that you should be reminded a +second time of your plain and obvious duty by + + A SANGUINE AND EXPECTANT PRIVATE. + +SIR,--There can be no doubt in regard to the proper destination of those +surplus millions, the fitting disposition of which, I am informed, is +involving you in no little perplexity. They seem in a special manner to +furnish the legitimate answer to the almost universal cry, now going +forth, for "Free Education." Here then is your opportunity. And it is a +magnificent one. Your surplus will enable a wise and paternal Government +to give not merely education, free of cost, to every child in the three +kingdoms, but will supply it with ample means to infuse the very highest +culture attainable into the very dregs of the population. Spanish, +Italian, German, Russian, French, Chinese, together with riding, +dancing, painting in oil colours, hydrostatics, and the elements of +Court etiquette, will, henceforth, comprise the curriculum of the +veriest gutter-child. + +Can you, Sir, contemplate such a brilliant, such a soul-stirring +prospect unmoved? That you cannot, and will at once hand over your +useful millions for the purpose of carrying into effect the above modest +but magnificent scheme, is the firm belief of yours suggestively, + + THE LATEST TEACHER OF THE YOUNG IDEA. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DIAGNOSIS.] + +"IT SAYS 'ERE, AS YOUR OLD BOSS, COLONEL M'WHUSKEY, HAS BEEN TOOK +ILL."--"AH! SO I 'ERD!"--"RUSSIAN EPIDEMIC?"--"NO,--SCOTCH." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Book Markers.] + +"Bring me my Scotch Dictionary!" cried the Baron. "Alas, my Lord!" was +the answer of the faithful servitor, "there is none such here." +"I'fakins!" quoth the Baron, "then will I buckle to and read _A Window +in Thrums_ without it, even though I break all my teeth and nigh choke +myself, as indeed, I have well-nigh done in my gallant attempt to master +the first two chapters." So I, the Baron, being convalescent and having +a few hours to spare, lay me down and read, and read, and read, and +stumbled over the Scotch words and phrases, until I hit on the plan of +reading it aloud to two or three other convalescents; just to see how +_they_ would like it. And as I read aloud, this book,--which on account +of its apparent difficulty, and by reason of my education having been +neglected, "lang syne," in respect to the Scotch language, an intimate +knowledge of which I have not yet acquired "the noo,"--it gained my +affection gradually, steadily, and increasingly. Though I could not have +translated individual words and phrases, yet I instinctively understood +them, and was delighted with the homely simplicity of the style, the +keen observation, the shrewd wit, and the gentle pathos of _A Window in +Thrums_. The BARON DE BOOK-WORMS is grateful to Mr. J. M. BARRIE; and +when an opportunity is offered him, he is seriously thinking of +re-reading some of the Scotchiest of Sir WALTER SCOTT'S Novels, and +having a "Nicht or twa wi' ROBBIE BURNS." + +I await the Reminiscences of Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C. and P.M., with +considerable interest. + +Mr. KEITH FLEMING'S romance, _Can such Things be? or, the Weird of the +Beresfords_,--no relation to Lord CHARLES of that ilk,--starts, and will +make the reader start too, with a very creepy idea. The story would have +been a genuine weird and eerie one but for the continual twaddling +interruptions about "spookikal" research and metaphysical problems, +which, however, the experienced skipper, who knows the chart, can easily +avoid after the first two or three bumps, and even the inexperienced +reader will be able, after an hour or two, to hop from point to point +like a robin from twig to twig. But skipping and hopping is wearying, +and the story is too long, and so we become familiar with the ghost, and +we all know what the fatal consequence of familiarity is. The +repetitions of the Spook's appearance are monotonous. Had _The Weird_ +been condensed like milk in tins, or essenced like Liebig, and been +presented to the public as a story in two numbers of _Blackwood_ (always +such an appropriate title for a Magazine full of mysterious +stories,--BLACK WOOD so like Black Forest) or _Macmillan_, or _Cornhill_ +(where, somehow, a ghost-story always reads uncommonly well), this +romance would have created a great sensation. As it is, it doesn't, at +least not much. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +Our present Drama (No. VI.) represents an attempt to illustrate upon the +Music-hall Stage the eternal truth that race _will_ tell in the long +run, despite--but, on second thoughts, it does not _quite_ prove that, +though it certainly shows the unerring accuracy of parental--at least, +that is not exactly its tendency, either; and the fact is that _Mr. +Punch_ is more than a little mixed himself as to the precise theory +which it is designed to enforce. He hopes, however, that, as a realistic +study of Patrician life and manners, it will possess charms for a +democratic audience. + +COMING OF AGE. + +_A Grand Social Psychological Comedy-Drama, in One Act._ + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + +_The Earl of Burntalmond._ +_The Countess of Burntalmond_ (_his wife_). +_Robert Henry Viscount Bullsaye_ (_their son and heir_). +_The Lady Rose Caramel_ (_niece to the Earl_). +_Horehound._ } (_Travelling as "The Celebrated Combination_ +_Mrs. Horehound._ } _Korffdropp Troupe," in their refined and_ +_Coltsfoot Horehound._ } _elegant Drawing-room Entertainment._) +_Tenantry._ + +SCENE--_The Great Quadrangle of Hardbake Castle; banners, mottoes, +decorations, &c. On the steps, R., the Earl, supported by his wife, son, +and niece, is discovered in the act of concluding a speech to six +tenantry, who display all the enthusiasm that is reasonably to be +expected at ninepence a night._ + +[Illustration] + +_The Earl (patting_ Lord BULLSAYE'S _shoulder)._ I might say more, +Gentlemen, in praise of my dear son, Lord BULLSAYE, here--I might dwell +on his extreme sweetness, his strongly marked character, the variety of +his tastes, and the singular attraction he has for children of all +ages--but I forbear. I will merely announce that on this day--the day he +has selected for attaining his majority--he has gratified us all by +plighting troth to his cousin, the Lady ROSE CARAMEL, with whose dulcet +and clinging disposition he has always possessed the greatest natural +affinity. [_Cheers._ + +_Lord Bullsaye_ (_aside to_ Lady R.). Ah, ROSE, would such happiness +could last! But my heart misgives me strangely--why, I know not. + +_Lady R._ Say not so, dear BULLSAYE--have you not just rendered me the +happiest little Patrician in the whole peerage? + +_Lord B._ 'Tis true--and yet, and yet--pooh, let me snatch the present +hour! [_Snatches it._ + +_The Earl._ And now, let the Revels commence. + +_Enter the_ Korffdropp Troupe, _who give their marvellous Entertainment, +entitled, "The Three Surprise Packets;" after which--_ + +_Horehound._ This will conclude the first portion of our Entertainment, +Lords, Ladies, and Gentlemen; and, while my wife and pardner retires to +change her costoom for the Second Part, I should be glad of the +hoppertoonity of a short pussonal hexplanation with the noble Herl on my +right. [_Exit_ Mrs. HOREHOUND. + +_The Earl_ (_graciously_). I will hear you, fellow! (_Aside._) Strange +how familiar his features seem to me! + +_Horeh._ The fact is, your Lordship's celebrating the coming of hage of +the _wrong heir_. (_Sensation--i.e., the six tenantry shift from one leg +to the other, and murmur feebly._) Oh, I can prove it. Twenty-one years +ago--(_slow music_)--I was in your Lordship's service as gamekeeper, +'ead whip, and hextry waiter. My son and yours was born the selfsame +day, and my hold woman was selected to hact as foster-mother to the +youthful lord. Well--(_tells a long, and not entirely original, story; +marvellous resemblance between infants, only distinguishable by green +and magenta bows, &c., &c._) Soon after, your Lordship discharged me at +a moment's notice---- + +_The Earl_ (_haughtily_). I did, upon discovering that you were in the +habit of surreptitiously carrying off kitchen-stuff, concealed within +your umbrella. But proceed with your narration. + +_Horeh._ I swore to be avenged, and so--(_common form again; the shifted +bows_)--consequently, as a moment's reflection will convince you, the +young man on the steps, in the button-'ole and tall 'at, is my lawful +son, while the real Viscount is--(_presenting_ COLTSFOOT, _who advances +modestly on his hands_)--'ere! [_Renewed sensation._ + +_The Earl._ This is indeed a startling piece of intelligence. (_To_ Lord +B.) And so, Sir, it appears that your whole life has been one consistent +imposition--a gilded _lie_? + +_Lord B._ Let my youth and inexperience at the time, Sir, plead as my +best excuse! + +_The E._ Nothing can excuse the fact that you--you, a low-born son of +the people, have monopolised the training, the tenderness and education, +which were the due of your Patrician foster-brother. (_To_ COLTSFOOT.) +Approach, my injured, long-lost boy, and tell me how I may atone for +these years of injustice and neglect! + +_Coltsf._ Well, Guv'nor, if you could send out for a pot o' four arf, it +'ud be a _beginning_, like. + +_The E._ You shall have every luxury that befits your rank, but first +remove that incongruous garb. + +_Colts_, (_to_ Lord B.). These 'ere togs belong to _you_ now, young +feller, and I reckon exchange ain't no robbery. + +_Lord B._ (_with emotion, to_ Countess). Mother, can you endure to +behold your son in tights and spangles on the very day of his majority? + +_Countess_ (_coldly_). On the contrary, it is my wish to see him attired +as soon as possible, in a more appropriate costume. + +_Lord B._ (_to_ Lady R.). ROSE, _you_, at least, have not changed? Tell +me you will love me still--even on the precarious summit of an acrobat's +pole! + +_Lady Rose_ (_scornfully_). Really the presumptuous familiarity of the +lower orders is perfectly appalling! + +_The Earl_ (_to_ Countess, _as_ Lord B. _and_ COLTSFOOT _retire to +exchange costumes_). At last, PAULINE, I understand why I could never +feel towards BULLSAYE the affection of a parent. Often have I reproached +myself for a coldness I could not overcome. + +_Countess._ And I too! Nature was too strong for us. But, oh, the joy of +recovering our son--of finding him so strong, so supple, so agile. Never +yet has our line boasted an heir who can feed himself from a fork +strapped on to his dexter heel! + +_The E._ (_with emotion_). Our beloved, boneless boy! + +[_Re-enter_ COLTSFOOT _in modern dress, and_ Lord B. _in tights_. + +_Colts._ Don't I look slap-up--O.K. and no mistake? Oh, I _am_ 'aving a +beano! + +_All._ What easy gaiety, and unforced animation! + +_The E._ My dear boy, let me present you to your _fiancée_. ROSE, my +love, this is your _legitimate_ lover. + +_Colts._ Oh, all right, _I've_ no objections--on'y there'll be ructions +with the young woman in the tight-rope line as I've been keepin' comp'ny +with--that's all! + +_The E._ Your foster-brother will act as your substitute there. +(_Proudly._) _My_ son must make no _mésalliance_! + +_Rose_ (_timidly_). And, if it would give you any pleasure, I'm sure I +could soon learn the tight-rope! + +_Colts._ Not at _your_ time o' life. Miss, and besides, 'ang it, now I'm +a lord, I can't have my wife doin' nothing low! + +_The E._ Spoken like a true BURNTALMOND! And now let the revels +re-commence. [_Re-enter_ Mrs. HOREHOUND. + +_Horeh._ (_to_ Lord B.). Now then, stoopid, tumble, can't you--what are +you 'ere _for_? + +_Lord B._ (_to the_ Earl). Since it is your command, I obey, though it +is ill tumbling with a heavy heart! + +[_Turns head over heels laboriously._ + +_Colts._ Call that a somersault? 'Ere, 'old my 'at (_giving tall hat to_ +Lady R.) _I'll_ show yer 'ow to do a turn. + +[_Throws a triple somersault._ + +_All._ What condescension! How his aristocratic superiority is betrayed, +even in competition with those to the manner born! + +_Mrs. Horeh._ (_still in ignorance of the transformation_). Halt! I have +kept silence till now--even from my husband, but the time has come when +I _must_ speak. Think you that if he were indeed a lord, he could turn +such somersaults as those? No--no. I will reveal all. (_Tells same old +story--except that she herself from ambitious motives transposed the +infants' bows._) Now, do with me what you will! + +_Horeh._ Confusion, so my ill-judged action did but redress the wrong I +designed to effect! + +_The E._ (_annoyed_). This is a serious matter, reflecting as it does +upon the legitimacy of my lately recovered son. What proof have you, +woman, of your preposterous allegation? + +_Mrs. H._ None, my lord,--but these-- + +[_Exhibits two faded bunches of ribbon._ + +_The E._ I cannot resist such overwhelming evidence, fight against it as +I may. + +_Lord B._ (_triumphantly_). And so--oh, Father, Mother, ROSE--dear, dear +ROSE--I am no acrobat after all! + +_The E._ (_sternly_). Would you were anything half so serviceable to the +community, Sir! I have no superstitious reverence for rank, and am, I +trust, sufficiently enlightened to discern worth and merit--even beneath +the spangled vest of the humblest acrobat. Your foster-brother, brief as +our acquaintance has been, has already endeared himself to all hearts, +while you have borne a trifling reverse of fortune with sullen +discontent and conspicuous incapacity. He has perfected himself in a +lofty and distinguished profession during years spent by _you_, Sir, in +idly cumbering the earth of Eton and Oxford. Shall I allow him to suffer +by a purely accidental coincidence? Never! I owe him reparation, and it +shall be paid to the uttermost penny. From this day, I adopt him as my +eldest son, and the heir to my earldom, and all other real and personal +effects. See, ROBERT HENRY, that you treat your foster-brother as your +senior in future! + +_Coltsf._ (_to_ Lord B). Way-oh, ole matey, I don't bear no malice, _I_ +don't! Give us your dooks. [_Offering hand._ + +_The C._ Ah, BULLSAYE, try to be worthy of such generosity! + +[Lord B. _grasps_ COLTSFOOT'S _hand in silence._ + +_Lady Rose._ And pray, understand that, whether Mr. COLTSFOOT be +viscount or acrobat, it can make no difference whatever to the +disinterested affection with which I have lately learnt to regard him. + +[_Gives her hand to_ COLTSFOOT, _who squeezes it with ardour_. + +_Coltsf._ (_pleasantly_). Well, Father, Mother, your noble Herlship and +Lady, foster-brother BULLSAYE, and my pretty little sweetart 'ere, what +do you all say to goin' inside and shunting a little garbage, and +shifting a drop or so of lotion, eh? + +_The E._ A most sensible suggestion, my boy. Let us make these ancient +walls the scene of the blithest--ahem!--_beano_ they have ever yet +beheld! + + [_Cheers from Tenantry, as the_ Earl _leads the way into the Castle + with_ Mrs. HOREHOUND, _followed by_ HOREHOUND _with the Countess + and_ COLTSFOOT _with_ Lady ROSE, Lord BULLSAYE, _discomfited and + abashed, entering last as Curtain falls_.] + + * * * * * + +KICKED! + +(_By the Foot of Clara Groomley._) + +CHAPTER IV. AND LAST. + +In the little sitting-room above his shop sat Mr. ASSID ROPES. It was +the afternoon before Christmas Day. He had generously allowed all his +assistants to leave. "If anybody wants their hair cut, or their hat +ironed," he said, "I'll do it myself, and then they'll wish they +hadn't." + +Yet, when a customer rapped on the floor below, Mr. ROPES felt +exceedingly angry. + +"What do you want?" he called down the stairs. + +"I want my hat ironed," said a clear, manly voice. + +"Go away! Your hat doesn't want ironing. Go to bed!" + +"I will not go away," said the clear, firm voice, "until you have +attended to my hat--hat once, if you please." + +Mr. ROPES came grumbling down the stairs. For one moment he gazed at the +man in the shop, and then flung his arms round him and wept tears of +joy. + +"My dear old friend, CYRIL MUSH!" he exclaimed. + +They had been boys together at Eton, and rowed in the Trinity boat +together at Cambridge. Fate had separated them. + +In less than a minute they were talking over old times together in the +little sitting-room over the shop. CYRIL MUSH was delighted. "You can't +charge an old friend anything for just ironing his hat," he said, with +his peculiarly winning smile. + +Before Mr. ROPES could correct this impression, another voice was heard +in the shop below. + +"Can you come down for a minute--to oblige a lady?" + +Mr. ROPES descended once more. In a minute he returned. + +"Awfully sorry, MUSH, but I must go. I've got to shave a dead poodle, +and the men are coming to stuff it at nine o'clock to-night. It's for a +lady--_noblesse oblige_, you know. I'll finish your hat when I come +back." + +In a second he was gone. CYRIL MUSH replaced the lining in his hat, and +placed it on his head. He went out into the streets. He was wondering +what poodle it was which Mr. ASSID ROPES had gone to shave. Could it be +the same? No, most certainly not. So of course it was the same. + +In the meanwhile Mr. ROPES had arrived at the house, and had been +ushered into the chamber of death. The light was very bad, and he +happened to cut the animal while engaged in shaving it. + +"Very sorry, Sir," said Mr. ROPES, from force of habit, "but it's not my +fault. You've got a pimple there, and you jerked your head just as I was +going over it. A little powder will put that all right." + +[Illustration] + +Suddenly it flashed across him that the poodle was not dead if the blood +flowed. He rushed out of the room, and found himself confronted by a +handsome, wicked-looking man, of about thirty. + +"Excuse me, Sir, but that poodle's not dead. It's in a trance. Just run +down to the kitchen and fetch me some brandy, some blankets, and some +hot bricks, and I'll bring it round." + +"The dog _is_ dead, and in a very few hours he'll be stuffed," was the +cruel reply. "You needn't trouble to bring it round. If you've brought +your tackle round, you can shave it." + +"I've been shaving it--and that's how I know." + +A door opened on the other side of the passage, and a fair young girl +came out in tears and a black dress. + +"What's the matter, ALGERNON?" she said. + +"It's nothing, ALICE. This idiot says that _Tommy's_ not dead." + +With one wild yell of joy, a yell that broke the gas-globes, and +unlinked carriages at all the principal London railway stations, ALICE +SMITH fell senseless on the floor. + +"Out you get!" exclaimed her cousin ALGERNON to Mr. ROPES. "If the dog +is not dead, come back in two hours, and _prove_ it--otherwise it will +be dead, and stuffed too." + +"Now then," said ALGERNON, when Mr. ROPES had gone, "if _Tommy Atkins_ +is not dead, he soon will be." He grasped his walking-stick, and tried +the door of the room. It was locked. Mr. ROPES had locked it, and taken +the key! + +"Aha!" he exclaimed. "Baffled! Baffled! Kindly turn the lime-light off +the swooned maiden, and throw it on to me. Sympathetic music from the +violins, if you please." + + * * * + +One hour had passed. Mr. ALKALOID, the photographer, had met Mr. MUSH. +Mr. ALKALOID had come from Ryde to London to get his hair singed. The +two accidentally met Mr. ROPES as he was dashing wildly down the street +towards his own shop. In one minute all was explained. Mr. ALKALOID had +fetched his photographic apparatus, and the three were careering back to +the house where the poodle lay dead. But was he dead? You know he +wasn't, as well as I do. What do you ask such senseless questions for? +"It's the only sure test," said ALKALOID. "If that dog's alive, he'll +wag his tail when I try to photograph him. I never knew it fail." + + * * * + +Outside the door of that gorgeously-furnished room stood an excited +group. ALGERNON, the villain, was soliloquising. ALICE was explaining to +CYRIL how he had dropped his note down the neck of the wrong girl--who +was also named SMITH--and how she had been compelled to believe him +unfaithful. Mr. ROPES was listening attentively at the key-hole, and +CYRIL was kissing ALICE. + +Within the room Mr. ALKALOID was photographing the dead poodle. (I call +it dead, but of course that doesn't humbug _you_.) + +"Now then, we're ready," they heard Mr. ALKALOID say. "Don't stare. Just +a natural, easy--now then--thank you!" + +There was dead silence within the room and without. Then the door +opened, and Mr. ALKALOID came out cheerfully. + +"The poodle's dead all right," he said. "What you took to be blood, +ROPES, was blacking off your razor. You really ought not to strop them +on your boot. I'll walk round to your shop with you. I want my hair +singed." + +ALICE went into hysterics; ALGERNON swooned with joy; and CYRIL MUSH had +a fit. + +At the moment of going to press, they are all three still in the above +condition. The dog, in the meantime, has been accidentally stuffed with +the stuffing intended for the stuffer's Christmas goose. The goose was +found, on carving, to be stuffed with several shilling shockers, which +had been intended to pad the poodle. + +And to what better use could they have been put--especially if they were +all like this? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD!] + +(ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD.) + +_Daughter of the House_ (_anxious to introduce Partners to each other_). +"IS YOUR CARD QUITE FULL, MR. M'SAWNEY?" _Mr. M'Sawney._ "OH DEAR, NO! +WHICH DANCE SHALL I GIVE YOU?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "SALUTE!" OR, TAKING HIS MEASURE.] + +(OPENING OF SESSION, FEB. 11, 1890.) + + * * * + +THE "SALUTE;" OR, TAKING DISTANCE. + + "When the assault is given in the presence of spectators, it is not + uncommon to precede it by the Salute, which shows the scheme and + various figures, as it were, of the attack and defence in a precise, + ceremonious manner, and with the same kind of courtly ritual as that + which distinguishes the minuet."--_H. A. Colmore Dunn's "Fencing"._ + + There, standing face to face, foil in hand, + Just out of lunging range they salute, + Who anon, swordsman stark, old fencer grand, + Must fight their duel out, foot to foot. + Mere preliminary flourish, all of this; + The punctilio of "form" without a fault; + But soon the blades shall counter, clash, and twist, + In assault. + + The ritual of the rapier or the foil; + Vastly pretty ceremonial parade. + Merest preface to the hot and breathless toil + Of the fencers fiercely battling blade to blade. + In position! Featly, formally on guard, + Engage the blades in quarte. But by-and-by + Every subtle thrust and parry, feint and ward, + Each will try. + + Foible to foible! Measure distance! Lunge! + Now the thrust ends in the merest harmless touch; + But ere the beaten man throws up the sponge, + As the boxers say, relaxing his hilt-clutch, + There'll be lunges and ripostes of other sort. + Firm foot and steady hand must be their friend; + The encounter will be struggle, not mere sport, + Ere the end. + + First to left and then to right! Parry of quarte! + In pronation by a turn of supple wrist! + Parry in tierce! All elegant and smart; + But the lethal thrust no parry can resist + Comes not in this preliminary play. + The defender, so complacent and erect, + Will show another pose another day, + We suspect. + + And that grey Grand Old Assailant, who's expert + At beat and re-beat, press, and graze, and bind, + Will try his best at a disabling hurt; + It is not mere parade that's in his mind. + Meanwhile he's taking measure of his foe, + Meanwhile his foe of him is taking stock; + And anon they'll come together in a glow, + With a shock! + + * * * * * + +THE PREMIER'S POWER. + +_Brief Fragment of a current Historical Romance._ + + [It is whispered that the PRIME MINISTER has of late taken too much + into his own hands the conduct of the foreign affairs of the + Government.--_Smoking-room Gossip._] + +The PRIME MINISTER stood upon the rug, with his back to the fire, and +regarded his assembled colleagues with an imperious and angry scowl. +There was a profound and significant silence for several minutes. At +length it broke. He was addressing them once more. + +"You understand the official relationship that exists between us. You +are my creatures. I am your Master. What I originate, you accept. I act, +you endorse. Do I," he continued, his voice rising to a shrill, piping +treble, "do I make myself sufficiently clear?" + +A sickly smile of abject acquiescence overspread the features of the now +trembling Ministers. Their Chief noted it with a gloomy glare. Then with +a furious gesture, he suddenly kicked a waste-paper basket into the air. +"You may go!" he growled. They did not wait for a second permission. +Swiftly, but obsequiously, they glided out of the room, and with traces +of terror stamped on their blanched countenances, silently sought the +little neighbouring Railway Station, and took the next train to London. + + * * * + +That night the Premier sat up late. But his work, when he began it, did +not take him long. Yet it was not unimportant, for the departing +mail-bag carried a set of sealed orders for the Admiral in Command of +the British Squadron in East African Waters, another Ultimatum to the +Government of Portugal, a threatening communication to the Porte, and +disturbing despatches, threatening to the peace of Europe, to the +Governments of Russia, France, and Germany respectively. He laughed long +and loud when he thought of their contents. Then he went to bed. + + * * * + +Later on, his work bore fruit; and people then said that the Cabinet of +the day must have been a strange one! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HORRIBLE RESULT OF USING THE "EGYPTIAN FUR-TILISER."] + +"A cargo of 180,000 mummified Cats has just been landed at Liverpool, to +be used as Manure."--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S COMPANIONS. + +I'm a beginning for to think as we're rayther a rum lot in this werry +strawnery world of ours. I've jest bin a collectin from sum of my +brother Waiters sum of their little historys, as far as they remembers +'em, and werry strange and werry warious sum on 'em is. There's one pore +chap who's about as onest and as atentif a Waiter as I nos on anywheres, +but you never, no never, ewer sees him smile, not ewen wen a ginerus old +Deputy, or a new maid Alderman, gives him harf-a-crown! I've offen and +offen tried to cheer him hup with a good old glass of ginerus port, wen +sum reglar swells has bin a dining and has not emtied the bottels--as +reel Gennelmen never does--but never quite suck-seeded, tho' he drank +down his wine fast enuff and ewidently injoyed it quite as much as if +he'd paid for it, praps jest a leetle bit more. So one day I wentured to +arsk him how it was as he was allers as sollem as a Churchwarden at a +Charity Sermon, or a Clown in summer time, and he told me as it was all +causd by the suckemstances of his hurly life, which he had never been +abel to shake off hisself, pore Fellar! tho' they was none of 'em his +own fault, which they was as follers. + +[Illustration] + +To begin with. He was born on a Fryday, on the 1st of April, and amost +all his days for years after seems to have been either Frydays or Fust +of Aprils, sumtimes one, sumtimes tother, sumtimes both. He was the +youngest of eleven children, and so made the family party consist of 13, +always as we all knos a unlucky number, and he seemed to have been +treeted as if it had bin his own fault, which in course it wasn't, not +by no means, no more than it was his fault the having the Skarlet Fever +on one Crismus Day, which he did to heverybody's disgust. + +He was afterwards told by his old Nuss BECKY that one speshal greevance +of his pore mother was, that her youngest child being seven years old +when BILLY was born, all the warious prepperashuns customary on such +himportant occasions had been dun away with as useless, ewen to the +customary gigantick Pincushon, so that in his case there was no "Welcum +to the Little Stranger!" So long, too, as his oldest brother remained at +tome, he was never allowed to set down to dinner with the rest of the +famerly, because, in course, he made up the unlucky number, the werry +nateral consequence being, that when his oldest brother suddenly took +his departure from among 'em, poor little BILLY was werry severely +flogged for setting down to dinner with a smiling countinghouse! Of +course ewery time as his unfortnit Birthday came round he was made a +April Fool of, all his six lovin Brothers jining in the sport, one arter +the other, nearly all day long. When he went to school, ewerybody knowed +of his afflickshun, and made a fool of him, hushers and all. + +After he growed up, his Father got him a plaice at a Lunatic Asylum, as +being the most properest for his sollem natur; and there he remained for +no less than five years! + +Then, on the other hand, there's old TOM, or rayther yung TOM, for he's +one of them jolly chaps as never seems to get no older. Why he goes +about a grinning away, and a chatting away, and a chaffing of old BILL, +who's much younger than him, like anythink. So I naterally arsked him +how he acounted for his good sperrits. And what was his arnser? Why, +hurly training. His Father was a Comic Play Actor, and allers ready for +a larf, and offen took yung TOM with him to the Theater till he becum +quite a favrite with all the merry gals there, who used to pet him, and +give him sweets, and teach him to say all sorts of funny things; and, +when he was old enuff, he was promoted to the dignity of a full-blown +Super, at 18 shillings a week, and all his close found. His grate +differculty was in looking serious and keeping serious when serious +bizziness was a going on; and on one occashun, when he was playing one +of a band of sangwinerry ruffians, sumthink so took his fansy, that he +not only bust into a loud larf hisself, but set all the rest of the +sangwinerry ruffians a larfing too, and quite spiled all the effect of +the scene. So he was bundled off neck and crop, and soon afterwards got +a sitewashun as a Pleaceman, but, for the life of him, he never could +keep hisself serious when he was before a Magistrate with a case; for if +ennybody made a joke, or ennybody larfed, TOM set off a grinning with +the best of 'em, and once axshally made a joke with his Worship; so of +course off he was sent again, to find a rest for the soles of his feet, +and a free play for his good sperrits, in the honnerabel capacity of a +Waiter. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCH'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ULTIMA RATIO.] + +_Small Rustic._ "YEOU CAN'T GO THAT WAY." + +_Stalwart Young Lady_ (_out Sketching_). "WHY NOT?" + +_Small Rustic._ "'CAUSE THERE'S--THERE'S HURDLES." + +_Stalwart Young Lady._ "BUT I CAN GET OVER HURDLES." + +_Small Rustic._ "AND THEN THERE'S THE BULL!" + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M P. + +[Illustration] + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, February 11._--"How do you do, TOBY? A merry +New Session and many of them." + +It was OLD MORALITY who spoke; his kindly face beamed on me; his +friendly hand grasped mine. Walked up the floor together through the old +familiar scene. Benches crowded, though a vacant seat here and there: +HARTINGTON'S for example. Everybody sorry to hear he's been ill, and +glad to think of him enjoying the sunlight of Monte Carlo. Grand Old Man +more Grand and less Old than ever; just up from Oxford; passed very +well, it is said. Comes into Parliament with every prospect of +distinguishing himself; his maiden speech looked for with much interest. + +"I think I'll put it off for a month or two, TOBY," he said, blushing +with the ingenuousness of youth. "You see I'm so fresh from college, +that it would ill become me to plunge into public affairs. It's all very +well for a young fellow like me to get up at the Union; but here it's +different. You're very good to say that great things are expected of me; +but, if you please, I'll keep in the background a bit. I'll feel my feet +first, as they used to say in the nursery, in what seems only +yesterweek." + +Very nice this of him. Wish all young fellows fresh from the University, +even when they have taken honours, were equally modest. + +"Haven't seen you since we met at Greenlands' icy mountains in the +Recess," OLD MORALITY said, continuing our conversation interrupted by +the cheers that greeted our arrival. "You remember how bitterly cold the +day was? Rather thought you hurried away. Wish you could have stayed to +luncheon. We happened to have something succulent. However, you must +come and dine in my room behind the SPEAKER'S Chair; AKERS-DOUGLAS will +show you the way. We do it pretty snug there, I can tell you. What sort +of a Session shall we have? Who can tell? Usual sort of thing, I +suppose. We shall bring in a lot of Bills; Gentlemen opposite will talk +some of them out; at Easter and Whitsuntide Recesses we shall squeeze a +stage of some through, under pressure of the holidays; then three weeks +in June and most of July will be wasted; and in August we'll suspend +Standing Orders, and ram through everything we can. As for me, I shall +endeavour to do my duty to the QUEEN, to the Country, and to the Members +of this House, in whichever part they sit. Did you ever, dear TOBY, +consider how a kettle boils? The water nearest to the fire is first +heated, and (being heated) rises to the top. Its place is supplied by +colder portions, which are heated in turn, and this interchange takes +place till all the water is boiling hot. That is how we shall get +through the Session. The Report of the Parnell Commission, being most +heated, will rise to the top first. Then the Tithes Bill, Land Purchase, +the Education question, and one or two other little matters will follow, +till we're all in boiling water. Good-bye now; don't forget to come +across AKERS-DOUGLAS about Eight o'Clock." + +_Business done._--Session opened. + + * * * * * + +KILLING FOR A SHILLING.--Lord WOLSELEY (who seems to have read the +regulations governing communications from soldiers to the Press in a +very liberal spirit) has published an article on the British Army in the +pages of an American Twelvepenny Magazine. The contribution is +embellished with sketches of the costumes of TOMMY ATKINS and his +predecessors. For the rest, some of the letterpress is sufficiently +alarming to warrant "Our Only General" in assuming a title which he +apparently appears to covet--that of a "Shilling Shocker!" + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING LIKE A DINNER. + +[Illustration: Vol au Vent.] + +Now that the Parliamentary Session has opened, and the Season threatens +to set in with its usual severity, the dinner question comes prominently +to the front. Even in the best-regulated households there is a sameness +about dinner which, towards the end of the week, palls upon the +appetite. Some ambitious young men have attempted to deal with the +matter and surprise their guests by introducing cheese immediately after +the soup (_soufflé au parmesan_), and after a cut of beef comes the fish +(_turbot à la Russe_). That is well meant, but it is crude. _Mr. Punch_ +has given his great mind to the subject, and presents to the +consideration of the dining world the following hints for a meal:-- + + Half-om-half. + Blauwe Landtongsche Oesters. + Hoog-Sauterneswijn. + Soepen. + Dikke Rivierkreeften Soep. Volmaakte Soep in Van Dijk Stijl. + Amontillado. + Zuschotelles. + Selderij. Olijven. Radijs. Haringen. Poukenvorm gebakken + in Berg-op-Zoomsche Stijl. + Liebfraumilch. + Gekruide Gerechten. + Gestreepte Baars, Piet Hein Stijl. Lambasteien met Zeeuwsche Saus. + Chateau Danzac. + Voorgerechten. + Hoenden Vleugels, met Haagsche Saus. + Heetkoudegemakten Ganzenlevers in Zwolsche Stijl. + Ruinart, wrang wijn, Bijzonder Perrier Jouet, Louis Roederer, wrang, + Giesler & Co., G. H. Mumm, buitengewoondroog. + Groenten. + Aardappelen in Sneeksche Stijl. + Doperwten, Fransche Stijl. + Gebakkene Kropsalade. + Sorbet, Anneke Jans. + Gebraad. + Kanefasrug Eendvogels. Gekruide Seiderij-sla. + Richebourg. + Nagerecht. + Curacaogelei. Italiaansche Ijs. Edamsche Kaas. Vruchten. + Gemonteerde Stukken. + Koffie. + Likeuren. Sigaren. + Pupen en Tabak. + +It may be objected that half-and-half, even when badly spelt, is a cold +preparation for dinner; and others may take exception to _Poukenvorm_, +as likely to have an earthy taste. But did they ever try it _gebakken in +Berg-op-Zoomsche Stijl_? It is no use mincing matters. Let anyone in +search of a good dinner enter any well-appointed _restaurant_, and order +this _menu_ right through down to _Pupen en Tabak_ (which is not a +preparation of dog's meat), and if they are not satisfied, _Mr. Punch_ +is a Dutchman. + + * * * * * + +"RICHARDSON'S SHOW" AND A "BILL OF THE PLAY." + +The Vaudeville, when it was opened, was devoted to all that was light +and cheerful. Comedy and Burlesque went hand-in-hand, and the audience, +if ever asked to weep, were begged to cry with laughter. But Mr. ROBERT +BUCHANAN (with the assistance of the late Mr. RICHARDSON) "has changed +all that." _Clarissa_, the present attraction at the little theatre on +the North-side of the Strand, is a piece of the most doleful character. +The First Act is devoted to a very heartless abduction, and the last to +a lingering death and a fatal _duello_. When it is announced that the +successful fencer who "kills his man" is no less a person than that +excellent Comedian, Mr. THOMAS THORNE, it will be readily understood +that "the New Drama" is the reverse of lively. _Clarissa_ has scarcely a +laugh in it from beginning to end. Certainly, in the last Scene but one, +there is a revel, in which "pseudo-Ladies of Fashion" take part, but the +merriment with which it is spiced is decidedly ghastly. Miss WINIFRED +EMERY is exceedingly clever, but her death-scene is painfully +protracted. Mr. THALBERG, as _Lovelace_, is a sad dog in every sense--a +very sad dog, indeed. The only incident in the piece ever likely to +provoke a smile, is the appearance of some comic bearers of grotesque +sedan-chairs. When _Clarissa_ is carried out _à la_ GUY FAUX at the end +of the Second Act, there is certainly a moment's hesitation whether the +audience should cry or laugh. But the sighs have it, and +pocket-handkerchiefs remain to the front. On the occasion of the initial +performance, some slight amusement was caused by the introduction of Mr. +BUCHANAN in unconventional nineteenth century morning dress amongst the +old-fashioned costumes of the company; but, of course, the slight +amusement was for once and away, and could not advantageously be +frequently repeated. Thus, take one thing with another, the life of the +Vaudeville audiences at this moment cannot be truthfully described as a +merry one. + +[Illustration: Something Lively at the Vaudeville.] + +At the Avenue quite a different story may be told. People who visit this +pretty little house desirous of being moved even unto tears by that +finest of _Fausts_, Mr. ALEXANDER, will be disappointed--they had far +better stay at home, or go to see _Clarissa_. Mr. HAMILTON AÏDÉ has +adapted from the French of CARRÉ (a case of fetch and carry) a Farcical +Comedy in Three Acts, which _he_ calls _Dr. Bill_, in preference to _Dr. +Jojo_ the Gallic original. The prescription from which the Doctor +concocts his mixture might have been supplied by the Criterion. Mr. +FREDERICK TERRY plays a part that would have suited Mr. WYNDHAM down to +the ground, and Mr. CHEVALIER is continually suggesting the +peculiarities of Mr. MALTBY. Miss FANNY BROUGH is Miss FANNY BROUGH, +which means that no one could play the part so well, much less better. +For the rest, the company (although a new one) work together with a "go" +that carries all before it. ALEXANDER has certainly conquered the +world--of Comedy. He may do less wise things if he rests satisfied, and +leaves Tragedy alone for an indefinitely lengthened period. + + SERJEANT COX, ON BEHALF OF PRIVATE BOX. + +P.S.--Mr. JEROME'S new piece (which he describes as "comparatively +speaking, new and original"), just produced at Terry's Theatre, is +rather disappointing. Its title of _New Lamps for Old_ strongly +suggests a "Night's Entertainment." But when the poverty of the plot and +the quality of the dialogue are taken into consideration, it would be +almost too much to say that this pleasant idea is fully realised by the +evening's performances. It must be confessed, however, that Mr. PENLEY, +rising and descending in a dinner-lift, is (at first) funny; and Miss +CISSY GRAHAME is ever welcome. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Making up Dr. Bill's Prescription.] + + * * * * * + + NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., + Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no + case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98 February 15, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, FEB 15, 1890 *** + +***** This file should be named 29930-8.txt or 29930-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/9/3/29930/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/29930-8.zip b/29930-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e06b97 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-8.zip diff --git a/29930-h.zip b/29930-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d9fcca4 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h.zip diff --git a/29930-h/29930-h.htm b/29930-h/29930-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..915f857 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/29930-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1808 @@ + +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, February 15, 1890. by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + div.centered {text-align: center;} /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 1 */ + div.centered table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;} + /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 2 */ + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:35%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .poem1 + {margin-left:20%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem1 .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem1 p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem1 p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem1 p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem1 p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem1 p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem1 p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .direction {margin-left:30%; text-indent:-2em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right; width: auto;} + .figleft {float: left; width: auto; margin: 1em; padding: 0;} + + .img {margin: 0; padding-right: 0;} + .div {margin: 0; padding: 0;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + pre {font-size: 75%; } + + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 +February 15, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 February 15, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 8, 2009 [EBook #29930] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, FEB 15, 1890 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOLUME 98</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>FEBRUARY 15, 1890.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> + +<h2>UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"Très volontiers," repartit le démon. "Vous aimez les tableaux +changeans: je veux vous contenter."</p> + +<p><i>Le Diable Boiteux.</i></p></blockquote> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/073a.png"> +<img src="images/073a.png" width="100%" alt="Cartoon" /></a> +</div><br /> + +<hr class="short" /><br /> + +<center>XX.</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Sweet odours, radiant colours, glittering light!</p> +<p class="i0">How swift a change from the dusk sodden night</p> +<p class="i2">Of London in mid-winter!</p> +<p class="i0"><i>Titania</i> here might revel as at home;</p> +<p class="i0">Fair forms are floating soft as Paphian foam,</p> +<p class="i2">Bright as an iceberg-splinter.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Dianas doubtless, yet their frost holds fire;</p> +<p class="i0">The snowiest bosom covers soft desire,</p> +<p class="i2">And these are snowy, verily.</p> +<p class="i0">As blanched—and bare—as Himalaya's peaks,</p> +<p class="i0">Light-vestured as a troop of dancing Greeks.</p> +<p class="i2">Waltz-measures ripple merrily.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Merrily? Yes; the music throbs with mirth,</p> +<p class="i0">Feet trip in time to it; yet what strange dearth</p> +<p class="i2">Of glee midst all these graces!</p> +<p class="i0">The quickening fire of spirit, passion, will,</p> +<p class="i0">Seems scarce to move these dancing forms or thrill</p> +<p class="i2">These irresponsive faces.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The Shadow smiled. "True, yet not true," he said.</p> +<p class="i0">"Good Form demands that men should look half dead,</p> +<p class="i2">And women semi-frozen.</p> +<p class="i0">Yet Nature lives beneath these modish masks</p> +<p class="i0">Somewhere, sometimes, with energy that tasks</p> +<p class="i2">Caste's rigid rule to cozen.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Pygmalion's prayer breathed life into the stone,</p> +<p class="i0">But see yon graceful girl, with straitened zone</p> +<p class="i2">And statuesque still bearing.</p> +<p class="i0">You'd say in her the marble must invade</p> +<p class="i0">The flesh, in so much loveliness arrayed,</p> +<p class="i2">Such radiant raiment wearing.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Whirled in the waltz's formal maze by one</p> +<p class="i0">Who might be a broad-cloth'd automaton,</p> +<p class="i2">For any show of pleasure,</p> +<p class="i0">She moves with drooping lids, and lips apart,</p> +<p class="i0">And scarce a flush to show that a young heart</p> +<p class="i2">Throbs to the pulsing measure."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Men meet to moon, and women whirl to wed,</p> +<p class="i0">The cynic says. Is joy in life quite dead,</p> +<p class="i2">Gladness in concourse banished</p> +<p class="i0">From the parades of fashionable youth?</p> +<p class="i0">Have maiden tenderness and manly truth</p> +<p class="i2">From Vanity Fair quite vanished?"</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Soft!" sneered the Shadow. "Questionings like these</p> +<p class="i0">Sound <i>gauche</i> and gushing. Better far to freeze</p> +<p class="i2">To the right social zero,</p> +<p class="i0">Than stoop to zeal and frank display of zest,</p> +<p class="i0">Notes of the vulgar glories that invest</p> +<p class="i2">The housemaid-novel's hero.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Nothing more useful than the surface-ice</p> +<p class="i0">Of stiff stolidity. Vigour, aye, and vice,</p> +<p class="i2">Therein find ready covert.</p> +<p class="i0">Wickedness here may lurk, or even wit.</p> +<p class="i0">Not to name happiness; but naught of it</p> +<p class="i2">Is obvious and overt.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"How bored they look, the slim stiff-collared boys!</p> +<p class="i0">Energy that is eager and enjoys</p> +<p class="i2">They may anon make show of</p> +<p class="i0">In some less honest haunt; here as in pain</p> +<p class="i0">They creak and crawl, devoid of that <i>sans gêne</i></p> +<p class="i2">That virtue seems sworn foe of.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Languidly circumvolving, lounging lank,</p> +<p class="i0">In scuffling circle or in mural rank,</p> +<p class="i2">Of misery mechanic</p> +<p class="i0">They look the wooden symbols; nought to show</p> +<p class="i0">That even well-starched linen's sheeny snow</p> +<p class="i2">Veils impulses volcanic.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"That straight-limb'd son of Anak circling there</p> +<p class="i0">Much like a whirling semaphore, strange care</p> +<p class="i2">His boyish forehead wrinkling?</p> +<p class="i0">The season's catch! His sire, is great in Soap,</p> +<p class="i0">His partner's mother yonder sits; with hope</p> +<p class="i2">Her watchful eyes are twinkling.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"The twirling twain are silent. Silence sits</p> +<p class="i0">Lord of the revel, incubus of wits</p> +<p class="i2">Arch palsier of prattle</p> +<p class="i0">Yet many a girl here mute's a chatterer sweet,</p> +<p class="i0">And many a youth in circles less discrete</p> +<p class="i2">Is an 'agreeable rattle.'</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Respectability's austere restraint</p> +<p class="i0">Rules them relentlessly; smiles forced and faint</p> +<p class="i2">And joyless facial spasms</p> +<p class="i0">Their meetings and their mutterings attend.</p> +<p class="i0">Jerky approximations quickly end</p> +<p class="i2">In void unvocal chasms.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Yet still they circle, and yet still they loll.</p> +<p class="i0">A marionette wooing a wooden doll</p> +<p class="i2">Would look more animated</p> +<p class="i0">Than yonder pair, revolving interlaced,</p> +<p class="i0">Exchanging commonplaces leaden-paced,</p> +<p class="i2">Or repartees belated."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Mammon by day and maundering at night</p> +<p class="i0">Oh, Shade!" I cried, "can furnish scant delight,</p> +<p class="i2">The Race for Wealth is rapid.</p> +<p class="i0">How can the feverish rush find true relief</p> +<p class="i0">In heartless intercourse, as bald as brief,</p> +<p class="i2">Amusement vain as vapid?"</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Amusement? Intercourse? They scarce exist."</p> +<p class="i0">The Shadow answered. "Some Bœotian mist</p> +<p class="i2">Society blinds and muddles.</p> +<p class="i0">True recreation in this joyless round?</p> +<p class="i0">The sea's bright changefulness as soon were found</p> +<p class="i2">In Pedlington's rain-puddles.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"The cliques and coteries know not how to mix.</p> +<p class="i0">A barrier more impassable than Styx</p> +<p class="i2">Is Philistine stupidity.</p> +<p class="i0">Were mutual amusement meeting's aim,</p> +<p class="i0">Mind <i>must</i> move maidenhood inert and tame,</p> +<p class="i2">Melt masculine rigidity.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Concourse, not intercourse, is what you see:</p> +<p class="i0">To mix, and sympathise, and to be free,</p> +<p class="i2">Is the true sociality.</p> +<p class="i0">These meet, like marbles mingled in a bag,</p> +<p class="i2">And the net outcome, friend, is friction, fag,</p> +<p class="i0">Boredom, and sheer banality.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"The strongest symptom of quick life crops out</p> +<p class="i0">In watchful mutual mockery. Gibe and flout</p> +<p class="i2">In low asides flow freely.</p> +<p class="i0">Oh, bland elysium for the brave and fair,</p> +<p class="i0">Whose pleasures are the snigger and the stare,</p> +<p class="i2">Chill snub, and eye-glance steely!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Prigdom's Philistia, though a polished State,</p> +<p class="i0">Has not yet learned quite how to recreate.</p> +<p class="i2">Gath in the ball-room gathers,</p> +<p class="i0">Askelon haunts 'At homes,' but little joy</p> +<p class="i0">Bring they to man or matron, girl or boy,</p> +<p class="i2">To swells or City-fathers."</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="author">(<i>To be continued</i>.)</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AU REVOIR!</h2> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch</span> <i>and</i> Mr. <span class="smcap">J. L. Toole</span> <i>discovered smoking a last cigar</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. P.</i> And so, my dear <span class="smcap">Johnnie</span>, you are leaving us at once?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. J. L. T.</i> Yes, Sir, but I hope soon to be back again. I am looking +forward to the voyage as an excellent digestive to all the luncheons, +dinners, and suppers I have been taking for the last five or six weeks.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. P.</i> I have no doubt they have been a little trying—eh, <span class="smcap">Johnnie</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. J. L. T.</i> And yet, as I have observed in the <i>Upper Crust</i>, "they +were very welcome." But, Sir, how did I get through my oratory? Did you +notice my speeches at the Garrick and the Savage? Which did you prefer?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. P.</i> I heard the first, and read a report of the second, and can +conscientiously declare they were equally good.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. J. L. T.</i> I am glad to hear you say so, Sir. I confess I didn't +think there was <i>much</i> to choose between them. And now (<i>with deep +emotion</i>), will you excuse my glove?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. P.</i> No; I won't say good-bye; for wherever you may roam, my dear +<span class="smcap">Johnnie</span>, you will have this consolation—you will find me there before +you!</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/073b.png"> +<img src="images/073b.png" width="100%" alt="There is now a strong impression" /></a> +<p>"There is now a strong impression that the Money Market +has at last tided over the period of tightness."—<i>Daily News</i>, Feb. 4.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> + +<h4>THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST.</h4> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/074.png"> +<img src="images/074.png" width="100%" alt="THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST" /></a> +<h3><i>A Song of a Strange Development.</i></h3> +</div> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Will you walk into my Congress? says the Emperor unto Labour;</p> +<p class="i0">Tis the nicest little Congress; I'm inviting many a neighbour.</p> +<p class="i0">The way into my Congress by this Rescript I prepare,</p> +<p class="i0">And we shall have some curious things to show you—when you're there.</p> +<p class="i4">Then won't you, won't you, little International Working-Man?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">We've already done a little to improve poor Labour's lot,</p> +<p class="i0">Shorten its hours, insure its life, and help to fill its pot.</p> +<p class="i0">But the poorer and the weaker yet fall short of the reality</p> +<p class="i0">Of "conformity to the principles of Chris-ti-an morality."</p> +<p class="i4">Then won't you, &c.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">'Tis one of the State's duties, friends, to regulate the time,</p> +<p class="i0">The duration and the nature of your work,—a task sublime;</p> +<p class="i0">And you'll find we'll do it better, if you only won't resist,</p> +<p class="i0">Than that most obnoxious personage, the shouting Socialist.</p> +<p class="i4">Then won't you, &c.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I'm an Emperor by profession, but I have my little plan</p> +<p class="i0">For improving the position of the German Working-man.</p> +<p class="i0">But the International Question stands a little in the way,</p> +<p class="i0">So I've asked the Nations to convene—I only hope they may.</p> +<p class="i4">Then won't you, &c.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And when they get together they will do—well, we shall see;</p> +<p class="i0">But the Socialists shan't have <i>all</i> their own way with Industry.</p> +<p class="i0"><i>I</i> recognise the justice of the Workmen's aspirations,</p> +<p class="i0">And upon their wants and wishes I would start "negotiations."</p> +<p class="i4">Then won't you, &c.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Oh, I know my plan will bring up all the fogies in full blast,</p> +<p class="i0">And Coercion and Protection I see looking on aghast.</p> +<p class="i0">But I'm game to turn deaf ear to them, if <i>you</i> will only list,</p> +<p class="i0">To that latest, strangest birth of time, the Imperial Socialist!</p> +<p class="i4">Then won't you, &c.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> + +<h2>HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT.</h2> + +<h4><i>Hints from the Chancellor of the Exchequer's correspondence.</i></h4> + +<p>Sir,—If you wish to immortalise yourself as Chancellor of the +Exchequer, now is your opportunity. You have a surplus, I believe, of +eight or nine millions? This is about the figure required to provide the +Members of the London County Council with a moderate-sized palace, not +perhaps entirely suited to their exalted dignity, but, at least, +sufficient to house them in something like proper and fitting style. A +site should be secured on the Embankment, by clearing away Somerset +House, and the intervening buildings, including the blocks of the Inner +and Middle Temple, which could all be carted away and re-erected further +down, say, at Millbank, and on the space thus secured a white marble +structure could be reared with an adequately imposing façade facing the +river, that would in some slight degree represent the majesty of the +illustrious body destined to occupy it. I don't say that nine millions +would be enough thoroughly to carry out the design I have in view, but +your surplus might serve as a central fund to begin upon, to which +Parliament, no doubt, would cheerfully add another five or six millions +if required. Such an obvious use for your money, I feel, needs no +further argument from yours encouragingly and suggestively,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A Full Blown London County Councillor</span>.</p> + +<p>Sir,—I have several near relatives in the Colonies, with whom I have, +owing to the present exorbitant rates for postage, not communicated for +many years. This fact has suggested to me that <i>the</i> golden opportunity +now offers itself to you of re-uniting family ties, re-opening closed +correspondence, restoring natural affection in otherwise hardened +breasts, and, in a word, consolidating the Empire, it may be, for +countless ages yet unborn. Spend your surplus, Sir, in providing this +country and all her dependencies with a <i>farthing postage</i>—mind, not a +<i>penny</i>, but a <span class="smcap">Farthing Postage</span>! I read somewhere that the actual cost +to the Government for the transport of letters was at the rate of ten +for a penny. Thus your four millions sunk in the enterprise ought to +produce you an immediate profit, at least so I make it, of six millions +a year. But, profit or no profit, think of the boon to thousands of +Englishmen like myself, who could then stand a penny-worth of +correspondence in the year, with children with whom now they are unable +to communicate, owing to the cruel and crushing charge of fivepence for +a single letter. Picture one who, though not close over money matters, +and full of love for his offspring, must yet sign himself</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A Circumspect and Cautious Parent</span>.</p> + +<p>Sir,—Have you read Lord <span class="smcap">Wolseley</span>'s article in this month's <i>Harper</i>? He +advises a higher rate of pay for the rank and file of the British Army? +<i>Verbum sap.</i> You understand. It is clear what you must do with your +surplus. Ensure <span class="smcap">Tommy Atkins</span> six-and-six-pence a day, and you will have +every Regiment in the Service thronged with real live Gentlemen. This is +what is wanted (so I gather from Lord W.'s article) to make the British +Army, if not the most costly, at least the most respectable in the +world. Come, Sir, do not make it necessary that you should be reminded a +second time of your plain and obvious duty by</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A Sanguine and Expectant Private</span>.</p> + +<p>Sir,—There can be no doubt in regard to the proper destination of those +surplus millions, the fitting disposition of which, I am informed, is +involving you in no little perplexity. They seem in a special manner to +furnish the legitimate answer to the almost universal cry, now going +forth, for "Free Education." Here then is your opportunity. And it is a +magnificent one. Your surplus will enable a wise and paternal Government +to give not merely education, free of cost, to every child in the three +kingdoms, but will supply it with ample means to infuse the very highest +culture attainable into the very dregs of the population. Spanish, +Italian, German, Russian, French, Chinese, together with riding, +dancing, painting in oil colours, hydrostatics, and the elements of +Court etiquette, will, henceforth, comprise the curriculum of the +veriest gutter-child.</p> + +<p>Can you, Sir, contemplate such a brilliant, such a soul-stirring +prospect unmoved? That you cannot, and will at once hand over your +useful millions for the purpose of carrying into effect the above modest +but magnificent scheme, is the firm belief of yours suggestively,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">The Latest Teacher of the Young Idea</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/075a.png"> +<img src="images/075a.png" width="100%" alt="A DIAGNOSIS." /></a> +<h4>A DIAGNOSIS.</h4> +<p>"<span class="smcap">It says 'ere, as your old Boss, Colonel M'Whuskey, has been took +ill."—"Ah! so I 'erd!"—"Russian Epidemic?"—"No,—Scotch</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/075b.png"> +<img src="images/075b.png" width="100%" alt="Book Markers" /></a> +<h4>Book Markers.</h4> +</div> +<p>"Bring me my Scotch Dictionary!" cried the Baron. "Alas, my Lord!" was +the answer of the faithful servitor, "there is none such here." +"I'fakins!" quoth the Baron, "then will I buckle to and read <i>A Window +in Thrums</i> without it, even though I break all my teeth and nigh choke +myself, as indeed, I have well-nigh done in my gallant attempt to master +the first two chapters." So I, the Baron, being convalescent and having +a few hours to spare, lay me down and read, and read, and read, and +stumbled over the Scotch words and phrases, until I hit on the plan of +reading it aloud to two or three other convalescents; just to see how +<i>they</i> would like it. And as I read aloud, this book,—which on account +of its apparent difficulty, and by reason of my education having been +neglected, "lang syne," in respect to the Scotch language, an intimate +knowledge of which I have not yet acquired "the noo,"—it gained my +affection gradually, steadily, and increasingly. Though I could not have +translated individual words and phrases, yet I instinctively understood +them, and was delighted with the homely simplicity of the style, the +keen observation, the shrewd wit, and the gentle pathos of <i>A Window in +Thrums</i>. The <span class="smcap">Baron de Book-Worms</span> is grateful to Mr. <span class="smcap">J. M. Barrie</span>; and +when an opportunity is offered him, he is seriously thinking of +re-reading some of the Scotchiest of Sir <span class="smcap">Walter Scott's</span> Novels, and +having a "Nicht or twa wi' <span class="smcap">Robbie Burns</span>."</p> + +<p>I await the Reminiscences of Mr. <span class="smcap">Montagu Williams</span>, Q.C. and P.M., with +considerable interest.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Keith Fleming's</span> romance, <i>Can such Things be? or, the Weird of the +Beresfords</i>,—no relation to Lord <span class="smcap">Charles</span> of that ilk,—starts, and will +make the reader start too, with a very creepy idea. The story would have +been a genuine weird and eerie one but for the continual twaddling +interruptions about "spookikal" research and metaphysical problems, +which, however, the experienced skipper, who knows the chart, can easily +avoid after the first two or three bumps, and even the inexperienced +reader will be able, after an hour or two, to hop from point to point +like a robin from twig to twig. But skipping and hopping<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> is wearying, +and the story is too long, and so we become familiar with the ghost, and +we all know what the fatal consequence of familiarity is. The +repetitions of the Spook's appearance are monotonous. Had <i>The Weird</i> +been condensed like milk in tins, or essenced like Liebig, and been +presented to the public as a story in two numbers of <i>Blackwood</i> (always +such an appropriate title for a Magazine full of mysterious +stories,—<span class="smcap">Black Wood</span> so like Black Forest) or <i>Macmillan</i>, or <i>Cornhill</i> +(where, somehow, a ghost-story always reads uncommonly well), this +romance would have created a great sensation. As it is, it doesn't, at +least not much. <span class="smcap">Baron de Book-worms.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MR PUNCHS MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS</h2> + +<p>Our present Drama (No. VI.) represents an attempt to illustrate upon the +Music-hall Stage the eternal truth that race <i>will</i> tell in the long +run, despite—but, on second thoughts, it does not <i>quite</i> prove that, +though it certainly shows the unerring accuracy of parental—at least, +that is not exactly its tendency, either; and the fact is that <i>Mr. +Punch</i> is more than a little mixed himself as to the precise theory +which it is designed to enforce. He hopes, however, that, as a realistic +study of Patrician life and manners, it will possess charms for a +democratic audience.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h3>COMING OF AGE</h3> + +<center><i>A Grand Social Psychological Comedy-Drama, in One Act.</i></center> + +<h4><span class="smcap">Dramatis Personæ.</span></h4> + +<p> +<i>The Earl of Burntalmond.</i><br /><br /> +<i>The Countess of Burntalmond</i> (<i>his wife</i>).<br /><br /> +<i>Robert Henry Viscount Bullsaye</i> (<i>their son and heir</i>).<br /><br /> +<i>The Lady Rose Caramel</i> (<i>niece to the Earl</i>).<br /><br /> +<i>Horehound.</i> } (<i>Travelling as "The Celebrated Combination</i><br /> +<i>Mrs. Horehound.</i> } <i>Korffdropp Troupe," in their refined and</i><br /> +<i>Coltsfoot Horehound.</i> } <i>elegant Drawing-room Entertainment.</i>)<br /><br /> +<i>Tenantry.</i><br /> +</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/076.png"> +<img src="images/076.png" width="100%" alt="Cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>The Great Quadrangle of Hardbake Castle; banners, mottoes, +decorations, &c. On the steps, <span class="smcap">R.</span>, the Earl, supported by his wife, son, +and niece, is discovered in the act of concluding a speech to six +tenantry, who display all the enthusiasm that is reasonably to be +expected at ninepence a night</i>.</p> + +<p><i>The Earl (patting</i> Lord <span class="smcap">Bullsaye's</span> <i>shoulder).</i> I might say more, +Gentlemen, in praise of my dear son, Lord <span class="smcap">Bullsaye</span>, here—I might dwell +on his extreme sweetness, his strongly marked character, the variety of +his tastes, and the singular attraction he has for children of all +ages—but I forbear. I will merely announce that on this day—the day he +has selected for attaining his majority—he has gratified us all by +plighting troth to his cousin, the Lady <span class="smcap">Rose Caramel</span>, with whose dulcet +and clinging disposition he has always possessed the greatest natural +affinity.</p> + +<p class="author">[<i>Cheers.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lord Bullsaye</i> (<i>aside to</i> Lady R.). Ah, <span class="smcap">Rose</span>, would such happiness +could last! But my heart misgives me strangely—why, I know not.</p> + +<p><i>Lady R.</i> Say not so, dear <span class="smcap">Bullsaye</span>—have you not just rendered me the +happiest little Patrician in the whole peerage?</p> + +<p><i>Lord B.</i> 'Tis true—and yet, and yet—pooh, let me snatch the present +hour!</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Snatches it.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Earl.</i> And now, let the Revels commence.</p> + +<p><i>Enter the</i> Korffdropp Troupe, <i>who give their marvellous Entertainment, +entitled, "The Three Surprise Packets;" after which—</i></p> + +<p><i>Horehound.</i> This will conclude the first portion of our Entertainment, +Lords, Ladies, and Gentlemen; and, while my wife and pardner retires to +change her costoom for the Second Part, I should be glad of the +hoppertoonity of a short pussonal hexplanation with the noble Herl on my +right.</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Exit</i> Mrs. <span class="smcap">Horehound</span>.</p> + +<p><i>The Earl</i> (<i>graciously</i>). I will hear you, fellow! (<i>Aside.</i>) Strange +how familiar his features seem to me!</p> + +<p><i>Horeh.</i> The fact is, your Lordship's celebrating the coming of hage of +the <i>wrong heir</i>. (<i>Sensation—i.e., the six tenantry shift from one leg +to the other, and murmur feebly.</i>) Oh, I can prove it. Twenty-one years +ago—(<i>slow music</i>)—I was in your Lordship's service as gamekeeper, +'ead whip, and hextry waiter. My son and yours was born the selfsame +day, and my hold woman was selected to hact as foster-mother to the +youthful lord. Well—(<i>tells a long, and not entirely original, story; +marvellous resemblance between infants, only distinguishable by green +and magenta bows, &c., &c.</i>) Soon after, your Lordship discharged me at +a moment's notice——</p> + +<p><i>The Earl</i> (<i>haughtily</i>). I did, upon discovering that you were in the +habit of surreptitiously carrying off kitchen-stuff, concealed within +your umbrella. But proceed with your narration.</p> + +<p><i>Horeh.</i> I swore to be avenged, and so—(<i>common form again; the shifted +bows</i>)—consequently, as a moment's reflection will convince you, the +young man on the steps, in the button-'ole and tall 'at, is my lawful +son, while the real Viscount is—(<i>presenting</i> <span class="smcap">Coltsfoot</span>, <i>who advances +modestly on his hands</i>)—'ere!</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Renewed sensation.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Earl.</i> This is indeed a startling piece of intelligence. (<i>To</i> Lord +B.) And so, Sir, it appears that your whole life has been one consistent +imposition—a gilded <i>lie</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Lord B.</i> Let my youth and inexperience at the time, Sir, plead as my +best excuse!</p> + +<p><i>The E.</i> Nothing can excuse the fact that you—you, a low-born son of +the people, have monopolised the training, the tenderness and education, +which were the due of your Patrician foster-brother. (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Coltsfoot</span>.) +Approach, my injured, long-lost boy, and tell me how I may atone for +these years of injustice and neglect!</p> + +<p><i>Coltsf.</i> Well, Guv'nor, if you could send out for a pot o' four arf, it +'ud be a <i>beginning</i>, like.</p> + +<p><i>The E.</i> You shall have every luxury that befits your rank, but first +remove that incongruous garb.</p> + +<p><i>Colts</i>, (<i>to</i> Lord B.). These 'ere togs belong to <i>you</i> now, young +feller, and I reckon exchange ain't no robbery.</p> + +<p><i>Lord B.</i> (<i>with emotion, to</i> Countess). Mother, can you endure to +behold your son in tights and spangles on the very day of his majority?</p> + +<p><i>Countess</i> (<i>coldly</i>). On the contrary, it is my wish to see him attired +as soon as possible, in a more appropriate costume.</p> + +<p><i>Lord B.</i> (<i>to</i> Lady R.). <span class="smcap">Rose</span>, <i>you</i>, at least, have not changed? Tell +me you will love me still—even on the precarious summit of an acrobat's +pole!</p> + +<p><i>Lady Rose</i> (<i>scornfully</i>). Really the presumptuous familiarity of the +lower orders is perfectly appalling!</p> + +<p><i>The Earl</i> (<i>to</i> Countess, <i>as</i> Lord B. <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Coltsfoot</span> <i>retire to +exchange costumes</i>). At last, <span class="smcap">Pauline</span>, I understand why I could never +feel towards <span class="smcap">Bullsaye</span> the affection of a parent. Often have I reproached +myself for a coldness I could not overcome.</p> + +<p><i>Countess.</i> And I too! Nature was too strong for us. But, oh, the joy of +recovering our son—of finding him so strong, so supple, so agile. Never +yet has our line boasted an heir who can feed himself from a fork +strapped on to his dexter heel!</p> + +<p><i>The E.</i> (<i>with emotion</i>). Our beloved, boneless boy!</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Coltsfoot</span> <i>in modern dress, and</i> Lord B. <i>in tights</i>.<br /> +</p> + +<p><i>Colts.</i> Don't I look slap-up—O.K. and no mistake? Oh, I <i>am</i> 'aving a +beano!</p> + +<p><i>All.</i> What easy gaiety, and unforced animation!</p> + +<p><i>The E.</i> My dear boy, let me present you to your <i>fiancée</i>. <span class="smcap">Rose</span>, my +love, this is your <i>legitimate</i> lover.</p> + +<p><i>Colts.</i> Oh, all right, <i>I've</i> no objections—on'y there'll be ructions +with the young woman in the tight-rope line as I've been keepin' comp'ny +with—that's all!</p> + +<p><i>The E.</i> Your foster-brother will act as your substitute there. +(<i>Proudly.</i>) <i>My</i> son must make no <i>mésalliance</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Rose</i> (<i>timidly</i>). And, if it would give you any pleasure, I'm sure I +could soon learn the tight-rope!</p> + +<p><i>Colts.</i> Not at <i>your</i> time o' life. Miss, and besides, 'ang it, now I'm +a lord, I can't have my wife doin' nothing low!</p> + +<p><i>The E.</i> Spoken like a true <span class="smcap">Burntalmond</span>! And now let the revels +re-commence.</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Re-enter</i> Mrs. <span class="smcap">Horehound</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Horeh.</i> (<i>to</i> Lord B.). Now then, stoopid, tumble, can't you—what are +you 'ere <i>for</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Lord B.</i> (<i>to the</i> Earl). Since it is your command, I obey, though it +is ill tumbling with a heavy heart!</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Turns head over heels laboriously</i>.<br /></p> + +<p><i>Colts.</i> Call that a somersault? 'Ere, 'old my 'at (<i>giving tall hat to</i> +Lady R.) <i>I'll</i> show yer 'ow to do a turn.</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Throws a triple somersault</i>.<br /> +</p> + +<p><i>All.</i> What condescension! How his aristocratic superiority is betrayed, +even in competition with those to the manner born!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Horeh.</i> (<i>still in ignorance of the transformation</i>) Halt! I have +kept silence till now—even from my husband, but the time has come when +I <i>must</i> speak. Think you that if he were indeed a lord, he could turn +such somersaults as those? No—no. I will reveal all. (<i>Tells same old +story—except that she herself from ambitious motives transposed the +infants' bows.</i>) Now, do with me what you will!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Horeh.</i> Confusion, so my ill-judged action did but redress the wrong I +designed to effect!</p> + +<p><i>The E.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). This is a serious matter, reflecting as it does +upon the legitimacy of my lately recovered son. What proof have you, +woman, of your preposterous allegation?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. H.</i> None, my lord,—but these—</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Exhibits two faded bunches of ribbon.</i><br /> +</p> + +<p><i>The E.</i> I cannot resist such overwhelming evidence, fight against it as +I may.</p> + +<p><i>Lord B.</i> (<i>triumphantly</i>). And so—oh, Father, Mother, <span class="smcap">Rose</span>—dear, dear +<span class="smcap">Rose</span>—I am no acrobat after all!</p> + +<p><i>The E.</i> (<i>sternly</i>). Would you were anything half so serviceable to the +community, Sir! I have no superstitious reverence for rank, and am, I +trust, sufficiently enlightened to discern worth and merit—even beneath +the spangled vest of the humblest acrobat. Your foster-brother, brief as +our acquaintance has been, has already endeared himself to all hearts, +while you have borne a trifling reverse of fortune with sullen +discontent and conspicuous incapacity. He has perfected himself in a +lofty and distinguished profession during years spent by <i>you</i>, Sir, in +idly cumbering the earth of Eton and Oxford. Shall I allow him to suffer +by a purely accidental coincidence? Never! I owe him reparation, and it +shall be paid to the uttermost penny. From this day, I adopt him as my +eldest son, and the heir to my earldom, and all other real and personal +effects. See, <span class="smcap">Robert Henry</span>, that you treat your foster-brother as your +senior in future!</p> + +<p><i>Coltsf.</i> (<i>to</i> Lord B). Way-oh, ole matey, I don't bear no malice, <i>I</i> +don't! Give us your dooks.</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Offering hand.</i></p> + +<p><i>The C.</i> Ah, <span class="smcap">Bullsaye</span>, try to be worthy of such generosity!</p> + +<p class="direction">[Lord B. <i>grasps</i> <span class="smcap">Coltsfoot's</span> <i>hand in silence</i>.<br /> +</p> + +<p><i>Lady Rose</i>. And pray, understand that, whether Mr. <span class="smcap">Coltsfoot</span> be +viscount or acrobat, it can make no difference whatever to the +disinterested affection with which I have lately learnt to regard him.</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Gives her hand to</i> <span class="smcap">Coltsfoot</span>, <i>who squeezes it with ardour</i>.<br /> +</p> + +<p><i>Coltsf.</i> (<i>pleasantly</i>). Well, Father, Mother, your noble Herlship and +Lady, foster-brother <span class="smcap">Bullsaye</span>, and my pretty little sweetart 'ere, what +do you all say to goin' inside and shunting a little garbage, and +shifting a drop or so of lotion, eh?</p> + +<p><i>The E.</i> A most sensible suggestion, my boy. Let us make these ancient +walls the scene of the blithest—ahem!—<i>beano</i> they have ever yet +beheld!</p> + +<p class="direction">[<i>Cheers from Tenantry, as the</i> Earl <i>leads the way into the Castle +with</i> Mrs. <span class="smcap">Horehound</span>, <i>followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Horehound</span> <i>with the Countess +and</i> <span class="smcap">Coltsfoot</span> <i>with</i> Lady <span class="smcap">Rose</span>, Lord <span class="smcap">Bullsaye</span>, <i>discomfited and +abashed, entering last as Curtain falls</i>.]</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>KICKED!</h2> + +<center>(<i>By the Foot of Clara Groomley.</i>)</center><br /> + +<center><span class="smcap">Chapter IV. and Last.</span></center> + +<p>In the little sitting-room above his shop sat Mr. <span class="smcap">Assid Ropes</span>. It was +the afternoon before Christmas Day. He had generously allowed all his +assistants to leave. "If anybody wants their hair cut, or their hat +ironed," he said, "I'll do it myself, and then they'll wish they +hadn't."</p> + +<p>Yet, when a customer rapped on the floor below, Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span> felt +exceedingly angry.</p> + +<p>"What do you want?" he called down the stairs.</p> + +<p>"I want my hat ironed," said a clear, manly voice.</p> + +<p>"Go away! Your hat doesn't want ironing. Go to bed!"</p> + +<p>"I will not go away," said the clear, firm voice, "until you have +attended to my hat—hat once, if you please."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span> came grumbling down the stairs. For one moment he gazed at the +man in the shop, and then flung his arms round him and wept tears of +joy.</p> + +<p>"My dear old friend, <span class="smcap">Cyril Mush</span>!" he exclaimed.</p> + +<p>They had been boys together at Eton, and rowed in the Trinity boat +together at Cambridge. Fate had separated them.</p> + +<p>In less than a minute they were talking over old times together in the +little sitting-room over the shop. <span class="smcap">Cyril Mush</span> was delighted. "You can't +charge an old friend anything for just ironing his hat," he said, with +his peculiarly winning smile.</p> + +<p>Before Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span> could correct this impression, another voice was heard +in the shop below.</p> + +<p>"Can you come down for a minute—to oblige a lady?"</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span> descended once more. In a minute he returned.</p> + +<p>"Awfully sorry, <span class="smcap">Mush</span>, but I must go. I've got to shave a dead poodle, +and the men are coming to stuff it at nine o'clock to-night. It's for a +lady—<i>noblesse oblige</i>, you know. I'll finish your hat when I come +back."</p> + +<p>In a second he was gone. <span class="smcap">Cyril Mush</span> replaced the lining in his hat, and +placed it on his head. He went out into the streets. He was wondering +what poodle it was which Mr. <span class="smcap">Assid Ropes</span> had gone to shave. Could it be +the same? No, most certainly not. So of course it was the same.</p> + +<p>In the meanwhile Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span> had arrived at the house, and had been +ushered into the chamber of death. The light was very bad, and he +happened to cut the animal while engaged in shaving it.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/077.png"> +<img src="images/077.png" width="100%" alt="Cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"Very sorry, Sir," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span>, from force of habit, "but it's not my +fault. You've got a pimple there, and you jerked your head just as I was +going over it. A little powder will put that all right."</p> + +<p>Suddenly it flashed across him that the poodle was not dead if the blood +flowed. He rushed out of the room, and found himself confronted by a +handsome, wicked-looking man, of about thirty.</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, Sir, but that poodle's not dead. It's in a trance. Just run +down to the kitchen and fetch me some brandy, some blankets, and some +hot bricks, and I'll bring it round."</p> + +<p>"The dog <i>is</i> dead, and in a very few hours he'll be stuffed," was the +cruel reply. "You needn't trouble to bring it round. If you've brought +your tackle round, you can shave it."</p> + +<p>"I've been shaving it—and that's how I know."</p> + +<p>A door opened on the other side of the passage, and a fair young girl +came out in tears and a black dress.</p> + +<p>"What's the matter, <span class="smcap">Algernon</span>?" she said.</p> + +<p>"It's nothing, <span class="smcap">Alice</span>. This idiot says that <i>Tommy's</i> not dead."</p> + +<p>With one wild yell of joy, a yell that broke the gas-globes, and +unlinked carriages at all the principal London railway stations, <span class="smcap">Alice +Smith</span> fell senseless on the floor.</p> + +<p>"Out you get!" exclaimed her cousin <span class="smcap">Algernon</span> to Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span>. "If the dog +is not dead, come back in two hours, and <i>prove</i> it—otherwise it will +be dead, and stuffed too."</p> + +<p>"Now then," said <span class="smcap">Algernon</span>, when Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span> had gone, "if <i>Tommy Atkins</i> +is not dead, he soon will be." He grasped his walking-stick, and tried +the door of the room. It was locked. Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span> had locked it, and taken +the key!</p> + +<p>"Aha!" he exclaimed. "Baffled! Baffled! Kindly turn the lime-light off +the swooned maiden, and throw it on to me. Sympathetic music from the +violins, if you please."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>One hour had passed. Mr. <span class="smcap">Alkaloid</span>, the photographer, had met Mr. <span class="smcap">Mush</span>. +Mr. <span class="smcap">Alkaloid</span> had come from Ryde to London to get his hair singed. The +two accidentally met Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span> as he was dashing wildly down the street +towards his own shop. In one minute all was explained. Mr. <span class="smcap">Alkaloid</span> had +fetched his photographic apparatus, and the three were careering back to +the house where the poodle lay dead. But was he dead? You know he +wasn't, as well as I do. What do you ask such senseless questions for? +"It's the only sure test," said <span class="smcap">Alkaloid</span>. "If that dog's alive, he'll +wag his tail when I try to photograph him. I never knew it fail."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Outside the door of that gorgeously-furnished room stood an excited +group. <span class="smcap">Algernon</span>, the villain, was soliloquising. <span class="smcap">Alice</span> was explaining to +<span class="smcap">Cyril</span> how he had dropped his note down the neck of the wrong girl—who +was also named <span class="smcap">Smith</span>—and how she had been compelled to believe him +unfaithful. Mr. <span class="smcap">Ropes</span> was listening attentively at the key-hole, and +<span class="smcap">Cyril</span> was kissing <span class="smcap">Alice</span>.</p> + +<p>Within the room Mr. <span class="smcap">Alkaloid</span> was photographing the dead poodle. (I call +it dead, but of course that doesn't humbug <i>you</i>.)</p> + +<p>"Now then, we're ready," they heard Mr. <span class="smcap">Alkaloid</span> say. "Don't stare. Just +a natural, easy—now then—thank you!"</p> + +<p>There was dead silence within the room and without. Then the door +opened, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Alkaloid</span> came out cheerfully.</p> + +<p>"The poodle's dead all right," he said. "What you took to be blood, +<span class="smcap">Ropes</span>, was blacking off your razor. You really ought not to strop them +on your boot. I'll walk round to your shop with you. I want my hair +singed."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Alice</span> went into hysterics; <span class="smcap">Algernon</span> swooned with joy; and <span class="smcap">Cyril Mush</span> had +a fit.</p> + +<p>At the moment of going to press, they are all three still in the above +condition. The dog, in the meantime, has been accidentally stuffed with +the stuffing intended for the stuffer's Christmas goose. The goose was +found, on carving, to be stuffed with several shilling shockers, which +had been intended to pad the poodle.</p> + +<p>And to what better use could they have been put—especially if they were +all like this?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/078.png"> +<img src="images/078.png" width="100%" alt="MISUNDERSTOOD" /></a> +<h4>MISUNDERSTOOD!</h4> +<center>(<span class="smcap">Annals of a Quiet Neighbourhood</span>.)</center><br /> +<p><i>Daughter of the House</i> (<i>anxious to introduce Partners to each other</i>). +"<span class="smcap">Is your Card quite full, Mr. M'sawney</span>?" <i>Mr. M'Sawney.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh dear, no! +Which dance shall I give you</span>?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE "SALUTE;" OR, TAKING DISTANCE.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"When the assault is given in the presence of spectators, it is not +uncommon to precede it by the Salute, which shows the scheme and +various figures, as it were, of the attack and defence in a precise, +ceremonious manner, and with the same kind of courtly ritual as that +which distinguishes the minuet."—<i>H. A. Colmore Dunn's "Fencing."</i></p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">There, standing face to face, foil in hand,</p> +<p class="i2">Just out of lunging range they salute,</p> +<p class="i0">Who anon, swordsman stark, old fencer grand,</p> +<p class="i2">Must fight their duel out, foot to foot.</p> +<p class="i0">Mere preliminary flourish, all of this;</p> +<p class="i2">The punctilio of "form" without a fault;</p> +<p class="i0">But soon the blades shall counter, clash, and twist,</p> +<p class="i10">In assault.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The ritual of the rapier or the foil;</p> +<p class="i2">Vastly pretty ceremonial parade.</p> +<p class="i0">Merest preface to the hot and breathless toil</p> +<p class="i2">Of the fencers fiercely battling blade to blade.</p> +<p class="i0">In position! Featly, formally on guard,</p> +<p class="i2">Engage the blades in quarte. But by-and-by</p> +<p class="i0">Every subtle thrust and parry, feint and ward,</p> +<p class="i10">Each will try.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Foible to foible! Measure distance! Lunge!</p> +<p class="i2">Now the thrust ends in the merest harmless touch;</p> +<p class="i0">But ere the beaten man throws up the sponge,</p> +<p class="i2">As the boxers say, relaxing his hilt-clutch,</p> +<p class="i0">There'll be lunges and ripostes of other sort.</p> +<p class="i2">Firm foot and steady hand must be their friend;</p> +<p class="i0">The encounter will be struggle, not mere sport,</p> +<p class="i10">Ere the end.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">First to left and then to right! Parry of quarte!</p> +<p class="i2">In pronation by a turn of supple wrist!</p> +<p class="i0">Parry in tierce! All elegant and smart;</p> +<p class="i2">But the lethal thrust no parry can resist</p> +<p class="i0">Comes not in this preliminary play.</p> +<p class="i2">The defender, so complacent and erect,</p> +<p class="i0">Will show another pose another day,</p> +<p class="i10">We suspect.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And that grey Grand Old Assailant, who's expert</p> +<p class="i2">At beat and re-beat, press, and graze, and bind,</p> +<p class="i0">Will try his best at a disabling hurt;</p> +<p class="i2">It is not mere parade that's in his mind.</p> +<p class="i0">Meanwhile he's taking measure of his foe,</p> +<p class="i2">Meanwhile his foe of him is taking stock;</p> +<p class="i0">And anon they'll come together in a glow,</p> +<p class="i10">With a shock!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE PREMIER'S POWER.</h2> + +<center><i>Brief Fragment of a current Historical Romance.</i></center> + +<blockquote><p>[It is whispered that the <span class="smcap">Prime Minister</span> has of late taken too much +into his own hands the conduct of the foreign affairs of the +Government.—<i>Smoking-room Gossip.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<p>The <span class="smcap">Prime Minister</span> stood upon the rug, with his back to the fire, and +regarded his assembled colleagues with an imperious and angry scowl. +There was a profound and significant silence for several minutes. At +length it broke. He was addressing them once more.</p> + +<p>"You understand the official relationship that exists between us. You +are my creatures. I am your Master. What I originate, you accept. I act, +you endorse. Do I," he continued, his voice rising to a shrill, piping +treble, "do I make myself sufficiently clear?"</p> + +<p>A sickly smile of abject acquiescence overspread the features of the now +trembling Ministers. Their Chief noted it with a gloomy glare. Then with +a furious gesture, he suddenly kicked a waste-paper basket into the air. +"You may go!" he growled. They did not wait for a second permission. +Swiftly, but obsequiously, they glided out of the room, and with traces +of terror stamped on their blanched countenances, silently sought the +little neighbouring Railway Station, and took the next train to London.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>That night the Premier sat up late. But his work, when he began it, did +not take him long. Yet it was not unimportant, for the departing +mail-bag carried a set of sealed orders for the Admiral in Command of +the British Squadron in East African Waters, another Ultimatum to the +Government of Portugal, a threatening communication to the Porte, and +disturbing despatches, threatening to the peace of Europe, to the +Governments of Russia, France, and Germany respectively. He laughed long +and loud when he thought of their contents. Then he went to bed.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Later on, his work bore fruit; and people then said that the Cabinet of +the day must have been a strange one!</p> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/079.png"> +<img src="images/079.png" width="100%" alt="THE SALUTE" /></a> +<h4>THE "SALUTE!" OR, TAKING HIS MEASURE.</h4> +<center>(<span class="smcap">Opening of Session, Feb. 11, 1890.</span>)</center> +</div> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/081a.png"> +<img src="images/081a.png" width="100%" alt="HORRIBLE RESULT" /></a> +<h4>HORRIBLE RESULT OF USING THE "EGYPTIAN FUR-TILISER."</h4> +<p>"A cargo of 180,000 mummified Cats has just been landed at Liverpool, to +be used as Manure."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ROBERT'S COMPANIONS.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/081b.png"> +<img src="images/081b.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>I'm a beginning for to think as we're rayther a rum lot in this werry +strawnery world of ours. I've jest bin a collectin from sum of my +brother Waiters sum of their little historys, as far as they remembers +'em, and werry strange and werry warious sum on 'em is. There's one pore +chap who's about as onest and as atentif a Waiter as I nos on anywheres, +but you never, no never, ewer sees him smile, not ewen wen a ginerus old +Deputy, or a new maid Alderman, gives him harf-a-crown! I've offen and +offen tried to cheer him hup with a good old glass of ginerus port, wen +sum reglar swells has bin a dining and has not emtied the bottels—as +reel Gennelmen never does—but never quite suck-seeded, tho' he drank +down his wine fast enuff and ewidently injoyed it quite as much as if +he'd paid for it, praps jest a leetle bit more. So one day I wentured to +arsk him how it was as he was allers as sollem as a Churchwarden at a +Charity Sermon, or a Clown in summer time, and he told me as it was all +causd by the suckemstances of his hurly life, which he had never been +abel to shake off hisself, pore Fellar! tho' they was none of 'em his +own fault, which they was as follers.</p> + +<p>To begin with. He was born on a Fryday, on the 1st of April, and amost +all his days for years after seems to have been either Frydays or Fust +of Aprils, sumtimes one, sumtimes tother, sumtimes both. He was the +youngest of eleven children, and so made the family party consist of 13, +always as we all knos a unlucky number, and he seemed to have been +treeted as if it had bin his own fault, which in course it wasn't, not +by no means, no more than it was his fault the having the Skarlet Fever +on one Crismus Day, which he did to heverybody's disgust.</p> + +<p>He was afterwards told by his old Nuss <span class="smcap">Becky</span> that one speshal greevance +of his pore mother was, that her youngest child being seven years old +when <span class="smcap">Billy</span> was born, all the warious prepperashuns customary on such +himportant occasions had been dun away with as useless, ewen to the +customary gigantick Pincushon, so that in his case there was no "Welcum +to the Little Stranger!" So long, too, as his oldest brother remained at +tome, he was never allowed to set down to dinner with the rest of the +famerly, because, in course, he made up the unlucky number, the werry +nateral consequence being, that when his oldest brother suddenly took +his departure from among 'em, poor little <span class="smcap">Billy</span> was werry severely +flogged for setting down to dinner with a smiling countinghouse! Of +course ewery time as his unfortnit Birthday came round he was made a +April Fool of, all his six lovin Brothers jining in the sport, one arter +the other, nearly all day long. When he went to school, ewerybody knowed +of his afflickshun, and made a fool of him, hushers and all.</p> + +<p>After he growed up, his Father got him a plaice at a Lunatic Asylum, as +being the most properest for his sollem natur; and there he remained for +no less than five years!</p> + +<p>Then, on the other hand, there's old <span class="smcap">Tom</span>, or rayther yung <span class="smcap">Tom</span>, for he's +one of them jolly chaps as never seems to get no older. Why he goes +about a grinning away, and a chatting away, and a chaffing of old <span class="smcap">Bill</span>, +who's much younger than him, like anythink. So I naterally arsked him +how he acounted for his good sperrits. And what was his arnser? Why, +hurly training. His Father was a Comic Play Actor, and allers ready for +a larf, and offen took yung <span class="smcap">Tom</span> with him to the Theater till he becum +quite a favrite with all the merry gals there, who used to pet him, and +give him sweets, and teach him to say all sorts of funny things; and, +when he was old enuff, he was promoted to the dignity of a full-blown +Super, at 18 shillings a week, and all his close found. His grate +differculty was in looking serious and keeping serious when serious +bizziness was a going on; and on one occashun, when he was playing one +of a band of sangwinerry ruffians, sumthink so took his fansy, that he +not only bust into a loud larf hisself, but set all the rest of the +sangwinerry ruffians a larfing too, and quite spiled all the effect of +the scene. So he was bundled off neck and crop, and soon afterwards got +a sitewashun as a Pleaceman, but, for the life of him, he never could +keep hisself serious when he was before a Magistrate with a case; for if +ennybody made a joke, or ennybody larfed, <span class="smcap">Tom</span> set off a grinning with +the best of 'em, and once axshally made a joke with his Worship; so of +course off he was sent again, to find a rest for the soles of his feet, +and a free play for his good sperrits, in the honnerabel capacity of a +Waiter.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Robert</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/082.png"> +<img src="images/082.png" width="100%" alt="PUNCH'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS" /></a> +<h4>PUNCH'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS.</h4> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 75%"> +<a href="images/083a.png"> +<img src="images/083a.png" width="100%" alt="ULTIMA RATIO" /></a> +<h4>ULTIMA RATIO.</h4> +<p><i>Small Rustic.</i> "<span class="smcap">Yeou can't go that way</span>."</p> +<p><i>Stalwart Young Lady</i> (<i>out Sketching</i>). "<span class="smcap">Why not</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Small Rustic.</i> "<span class="smcap">'Cause there's—there's Hurdles</span>."</p> +<p><i>Stalwart Young Lady.</i> "<span class="smcap">But I can get over Hurdles</span>."</p> +<p><i>Small Rustic.</i> "<span class="smcap">And then there's the Bull</span>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<center><span class="smcap">Extracted From the Diary of Toby, M P.</span></center><br /> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/083b.png"> +<img src="images/083b.png" width="100%" alt="Cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p><i><b>ouse</b> of Commons, Tuesday, February 11.</i>—"How do you do, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>? A merry +New Session and many of them."</p> + +<p>It was <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> who spoke; his kindly face beamed on me; his +friendly hand grasped mine. Walked up the floor together through the old +familiar scene. Benches crowded, though a vacant seat here and there: +<span class="smcap">Hartington's</span> for example. Everybody sorry to hear he's been ill, and +glad to think of him enjoying the sunlight of Monte Carlo. Grand Old Man +more Grand and less Old than ever; just up from Oxford; passed very +well, it is said. Comes into Parliament with every prospect of +distinguishing himself; his maiden speech looked for with much interest.</p> + +<p>"I think I'll put it off for a month or two, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>," he said, blushing +with the ingenuousness of youth. "You see I'm so fresh from college, +that it would ill become me to plunge into public affairs. It's all very +well for a young fellow like me to get up at the Union; but here it's +different. You're very good to say that great things are expected of me; +but, if you please, I'll keep in the background a bit. I'll feel my feet +first, as they used to say in the nursery, in what seems only +yesterweek."</p> + +<p>Very nice this of him. Wish all young fellows fresh from the University, +even when they have taken honours, were equally modest.</p> + +<p>"Haven't seen you since we met at Greenlands' icy mountains in the +Recess," <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> said, continuing our conversation interrupted by +the cheers that greeted our arrival. "You remember how bitterly cold the +day was? Rather thought you hurried away. Wish you could have stayed to +luncheon. We happened to have something succulent. However, you must +come and dine in my room behind the <span class="smcap">Speaker's</span> Chair; <span class="smcap">Akers-Douglas</span> will +show you the way. We do it pretty snug there, I can tell you. What sort +of a Session shall we have? Who can tell? Usual sort of thing, I +suppose. We shall bring in a lot of Bills; Gentlemen opposite will talk +some of them out; at Easter and Whitsuntide Recesses we shall squeeze a +stage of some through, under pressure of the holidays; then three weeks +in June and most of July will be wasted; and in August we'll suspend +Standing Orders, and ram through everything we can. As for me, I shall +endeavour to do my duty to the <span class="smcap">Queen</span>, to the Country, and to the Members +of this House, in whichever part they sit. Did you ever, dear <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, +consider how a kettle boils? The water nearest to the fire is first +heated, and (being heated) rises to the top. Its place is supplied by +colder portions, which are heated in turn, and this interchange takes +place till all the water is boiling hot. That is how we shall get +through the Session. The Report of the Parnell Commission, being most +heated, will rise to the top first. Then the Tithes Bill, Land Purchase, +the Education question, and one or two other little matters will follow, +till we're all in boiling water. Good-bye now; don't forget to come +across <span class="smcap">Akers-Douglas</span> about Eight o'Clock."</p> + +<blockquote><i>Business done.</i>—Session opened.</blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Killing for a Shilling</span>.—Lord <span class="smcap">Wolseley</span> (who seems to have read the +regulations governing communications from soldiers to the Press in a +very liberal spirit) has published an article on the British Army in the +pages of an American Twelvepenny Magazine. The contribution is +embellished with sketches of the costumes of <span class="smcap">Tommy Atkins</span> and his +predecessors. For the rest, some of the letterpress is sufficiently +alarming to warrant "Our Only General" in assuming a title which he +apparently appears to covet—that of a "Shilling Shocker!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> + +<h2>SOMETHING LIKE A DINNER.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/084a.png"> +<img src="images/084a.png" width="100%" alt="Vol au Vent" /></a> +<h4>Vol au Vent.</h4> +</div> + +<p>Now that the Parliamentary Session has opened, and the Season threatens +to set in with its usual severity, the dinner question comes prominently +to the front. Even in the best-regulated households there is a sameness +about dinner which, towards the end of the week, palls upon the +appetite. Some ambitious young men have attempted to deal with the +matter and surprise their guests by introducing cheese immediately after +the soup (<i>soufflé au parmesan</i>), and after a cut of beef comes the fish +(<i>turbot à la Russe</i>). That is well meant, but it is crude. <i>Mr. Punch</i> +has given his great mind to the subject, and presents to the +consideration of the dining world the following hints for a meal:—</p> +<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<div class="centered"> +Half-om-half.<br /> +Blauwe Landtongsche Oesters.<br /> +Hoog-Sauterneswijn.<br /> +Soepen.<br /> +Dikke Rivierkreeften Soep. Volmaakte Soep in Van Dijk Stijl.<br /> +Amontillado.<br /> +Zuschotelles.<br /> +Selderij. Olijven. Radijs. Haringen. Poukenvorm gebakken +in Berg-op-Zoomsche Stijl.<br /> +Liebfraumilch.<br /> +Gekruide Gerechten.<br /> +Volmaakte Soep in Van Dijk Stijl. Lambasteien met Zeeuwsche Saus.<br /> +Chateau Danzac.<br /> +Voorgerechten.<br /> +Hoenden Vleugels, met Haagsche Saus.<br /> +Heetkoudegemakten Ganzenlevers in Zwolsche Stijl.<br /> +Ruinart, wrang wijn, Bijzonder Perrier Jouet, Louis Roederer, wrang,<br /> +Giesler & Co., G. H. Mumm, buitengewoondroog.<br /> +Groenten.<br /> +Aardappelen in Sneeksche Stijl.<br /> + Doperwten, Fransche Stijl.<br /> +Gebakkene Kropsalade.<br /> +Sorbet, Anneke Jans.<br /> +Gebraad.<br /> +Kanefasrug Eendvogels. Gekruide Seiderij-sla.<br /> +Richebourg.<br /> +Nagerecht.<br /> +Curacaogelei. Italiaansche Ijs. +Edamsche Kaas. Vruchten.<br /> +Gemonteerde Stukken.<br /> +Koffie.<br /> +Likeuren. Sigaren.<br /> +Pupen en Tabak.<br /> +</div> + +<p>It may be objected that half-and-half, even when badly spelt, is a cold +preparation for dinner; and others may take exception to <i>Poukenvorm</i>, +as likely to have an earthy taste. But did they ever try it <i>gebakken in +Berg-op-Zoomsche Stijl</i>? It is no use mincing matters. Let anyone in +search of a good dinner enter any well-appointed <i>restaurant</i>, and order +this <i>menu</i> right through down to <i>Pupen en Tabak</i> (which is not a +preparation of dog's meat), and if they are not satisfied, <i>Mr. Punch</i> +is a Dutchman.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"RICHARDSON'S SHOW" AND A "BILL OF THE PLAY."</h2> + +<p>The Vaudeville, when it was opened, was devoted to all that was light +and cheerful. Comedy and Burlesque went hand-in-hand, and the audience, +if ever asked to weep, were begged to cry with laughter. But Mr. <span class="smcap">Robert +Buchanan</span> (with the assistance of the late Mr. <span class="smcap">Richardson</span>) "has changed +all that." <i>Clarissa</i>, the present attraction at the little theatre on +the North-side of the Strand, is a piece of the most doleful character. +The First Act is devoted to a very heartless abduction, and the last to +a lingering death and a fatal <i>duello</i>. When it is announced that the +successful fencer who "kills his man" is no less a person than that +excellent Comedian, Mr. <span class="smcap">Thomas Thorne</span>, it will be readily understood +that "the New Drama" is the reverse of lively. <i>Clarissa</i> has scarcely a +laugh in it from beginning to end. Certainly, in the last Scene but one, +there is a revel, in which "pseudo-Ladies of Fashion" take part, but the +merriment with which it is spiced is decidedly ghastly. Miss <span class="smcap">Winifred +Emery</span> is exceedingly clever, but her death-scene is painfully +protracted. Mr. <span class="smcap">Thalberg</span>, as <i>Lovelace</i>, is a sad dog in every sense—a +very sad dog, indeed. The only incident in the piece ever likely to +provoke a smile, is the appearance of some comic bearers of grotesque +sedan-chairs. When <i>Clarissa</i> is carried out <i>à la</i> <span class="smcap">Guy Faux</span> at the end +of the Second Act, there is certainly a moment's hesitation whether the +audience should cry or laugh. But the sighs have it, and +pocket-handkerchiefs remain to the front. On the occasion of the initial +performance, some slight amusement was caused by the introduction of Mr. +<span class="smcap">Buchanan</span> in unconventional nineteenth century morning dress amongst the +old-fashioned costumes of the company; but, of course, the slight +amusement was for once and away, and could not advantageously be +frequently repeated. Thus, take one thing with another, the life of the +Vaudeville audiences at this moment cannot be truthfully described as a +merry one.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/084b.png"> +<img src="images/084b.png" width="100%" alt="Something Lively" /></a><br /> +<h4>Something Lively at the Vaudeville.</h4> +</div> + +<p>At the Avenue quite a different story may be told. People who visit this +pretty little house desirous of being moved even unto tears by that +finest of <i>Fausts</i>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Alexander</span>, will be disappointed—they had far +better stay at home, or go to see <i>Clarissa</i>. Mr. <span class="smcap">Hamilton Aïdé</span> has +adapted from the French of <span class="smcap">Carré</span> (a case of fetch and carry) a Farcical +Comedy in Three Acts, which <i>he</i> calls <i>Dr. Bill</i>, in preference to <i>Dr. +Jojo</i> the Gallic original. The prescription from which the Doctor +concocts his mixture might have been supplied by the Criterion. Mr. +<span class="smcap">Frederick Terry</span> plays a part that would have suited Mr. <span class="smcap">Wyndham</span> down to +the ground, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Chevalier</span> is continually suggesting the +peculiarities of Mr. <span class="smcap">Maltby</span>. Miss <span class="smcap">Fanny Brough</span> is Miss <span class="smcap">Fanny Brough</span>, +which means that no one could play the part so well, much less better. +For the rest, the company (although a new one) work together with a "go" +that carries all before it. <span class="smcap">Alexander</span> has certainly conquered the +world—of Comedy. He may do less wise things if he rests satisfied, and +leaves Tragedy alone for an indefinitely lengthened period.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Serjeant Cox, on behalf of Private Box</span>.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/084c.png"> +<img src="images/084c.png" width="100%" alt="Making up" /></a> +<h4>Making up Dr. Bill's Prescription.</h4> +</div> + +<p>P.S.—Mr. <span class="smcap">Jerome's</span> new piece (which he describes as "comparatively +speaking, new and original"), just produced at Terry's Theatre, is +rather disappointing. Its title of <i>New Lamps for Old</i> strongly +suggests a "Night's Entertainment." But when the poverty of the plot and +the quality of the dialogue are taken into consideration, it would be +almost too much to say that this pleasant idea is fully realised by the +evening's performances. It must be confessed, however, that Mr. <span class="smcap">Penley</span>, +rising and descending in a dinner-lift, is (at first) funny; and Miss +<span class="smcap">Cissy Grahame</span> is ever welcome.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%"> +<a href="images/084d.gif"> +<img src="images/084d.gif" width="100%" alt="Pointing finger" /></a> +</div> + +<blockquote><p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception.</p></blockquote> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98 February 15, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, FEB 15, 1890 *** + +***** This file should be named 29930-h.htm or 29930-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/9/3/29930/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/29930-h/images/073a.png b/29930-h/images/073a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f17f542 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/073a.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/073b.png b/29930-h/images/073b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f5d177c --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/073b.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/074.png b/29930-h/images/074.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..31c2515 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/074.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/075a.png b/29930-h/images/075a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4710843 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/075a.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/075b.png b/29930-h/images/075b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..61acd5f --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/075b.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/076.png b/29930-h/images/076.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..260f35d --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/076.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/077.png b/29930-h/images/077.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9d963c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/077.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/078.png b/29930-h/images/078.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b7c694 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/078.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/079.png b/29930-h/images/079.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f38839f --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/079.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/081a.png b/29930-h/images/081a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b6a05f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/081a.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/081b.png b/29930-h/images/081b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b998d43 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/081b.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/082.png b/29930-h/images/082.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6611eca --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/082.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/083a.png b/29930-h/images/083a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..30b00bb --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/083a.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/083b.png b/29930-h/images/083b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2c97f0b --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/083b.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/084a.png b/29930-h/images/084a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e2c9925 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/084a.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/084b.png b/29930-h/images/084b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..47da452 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/084b.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/084c.png b/29930-h/images/084c.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..633fd59 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/084c.png diff --git a/29930-h/images/084d.gif b/29930-h/images/084d.gif Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8fa6bbf --- /dev/null +++ b/29930-h/images/084d.gif diff --git a/29930.txt b/29930.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..160c170 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1615 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 +February 15, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 February 15, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 8, 2009 [EBook #29930] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, FEB 15, 1890 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98 + + FEBRUARY 15, 1890 + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS. + + "Tres volontiers," repartit le demon. "Vous aimez les tableaux + changeans: je veux vous contenter." + + _Le Diable Boiteux._ + + XX. + + Sweet odours, radiant colours, glittering light! + How swift a change from the dusk sodden night + Of London in mid-winter! + _Titania_ here might revel as at home; + Fair forms are floating soft as Paphian foam, + Bright as an iceberg-splinter. + + Dianas doubtless, yet their frost holds fire; + The snowiest bosom covers soft desire, + And these are snowy, verily. + As blanched--and bare--as Himalaya's peaks, + Light-vestured as a troop of dancing Greeks. + Waltz-measures ripple merrily. + + Merrily? Yes; the music throbs with mirth, + Feet trip in time to it; yet what strange dearth + Of glee midst all these graces! + The quickening fire of spirit, passion, will, + Seems scarce to move these dancing forms or thrill + These irresponsive faces. + + The Shadow smiled. "True, yet not true," he said. + "Good Form demands that men should look half dead, + And women semi-frozen. + Yet Nature lives beneath these modish masks + Somewhere, sometimes, with energy that tasks + Caste's rigid rule to cozen. + + "Pygmalion's prayer breathed life into the stone, + But see yon graceful girl, with straitened zone + And statuesque still bearing. + You'd say in her the marble must invade + The flesh, in so much loveliness arrayed, + Such radiant raiment wearing. + + "Whirled in the waltz's formal maze by one + Who might be a broad-cloth'd automaton, + For any show of pleasure, + She moves with drooping lids, and lips apart, + And scarce a flush to show that a young heart + Throbs to the pulsing measure." + + "Men meet to moon, and women whirl to wed, + The cynic says. Is joy in life quite dead. + Gladness in concourse banished + From the parades of fashionable youth? + Have maiden tenderness and manly truth + From Vanity Fair quite vanished?" + + "Soft!" sneered the Shadow. "Questionings like these + Sound _gauche_ and gushing. Better far to freeze + To the right social zero, + Than stoop to zeal and frank display of zest, + Notes of the vulgar glories that invest + The housemaid-novel's hero. + + "Nothing more useful than the surface-ice + Of stiff stolidity. Vigour, aye, and vice, + Therein find ready covert. + Wickedness here may lurk, or even wit. + Not to name happiness; but naught of it + Is obvious and overt. + + "How bored they look, the slim stiff-collared boys! + Energy that is eager and enjoys + They may anon make show of + In some less honest haunt; here as in pain + They creak and crawl, devoid of that _sans gene_ + That virtue seems sworn foe of. + + "Languidly circumvolving, lounging lank, + In scuffling circle or in mural rank, + Of misery mechanic + They look the wooden symbols; nought to show + That even well-starched linen's sheeny snow + Veils impulses volcanic. + + "That straight-limb'd son of Anak circling there + Much like a whirling semaphore, strange care + His boyish forehead wrinkling? + The season's catch! His sire, is great in Soap, + His partner's mother yonder sits; with hope + Her watchful eyes are twinkling. + + "The twirling twain are silent. Silence sits + Lord of the revel, incubus of wits + Arch palsier of prattle + Yet many a girl here mute's a chatterer sweet, + And many a youth in circles less discrete + Is an 'agreeable rattle.' + + "Respectability's austere restraint + Rules them relentlessly; smiles forced and faint + And joyless facial spasms + Their meetings and their mutterings attend. + Jerky approximations quickly end + In void unvocal chasms. + + "Yet still they circle, and yet still they loll. + A marionette wooing a wooden doll + Would look more animated + Than yonder pair, revolving interlaced, + Exchanging commonplaces leaden-paced, + Or repartees belated." + + "Mammon by day and maundering at night + Oh, Shade!" I cried, "can furnish scant delight, + The Race for Wealth is rapid. + How can the feverish rush find true relief + In heartless intercourse, as bald as brief, + Amusement vain as vapid?" + + "Amusement? Intercourse? They scarce exist." + The Shadow answered. "Some Boeotian mist + Society blinds and muddles. + True recreation in this joyless round? + The sea's bright changefulness as soon were found + In Pedlington's rain-puddles. + + "The cliques and coteries know not how to mix. + A barrier more impassable than Styx + Is Philistine stupidity. + Were mutual amusement meeting's aim, + Mind _must_ move maidenhood inert and tame, + Melt masculine rigidity. + + "Concourse, not intercourse, is what you see: + To mix, and sympathise, and to be free, + Is the true sociality. + These meet, like marbles mingled in a bag, + And the net outcome, friend, is friction, fag, + Boredom, and sheer banality. + + "The strongest symptom of quick life crops out + In watchful mutual mockery. Gibe and flout + In low asides flow freely. + Oh, bland elysium for the brave and fair, + Whose pleasures are the snigger and the stare, + Chill snub, and eye-glance steely! + + "Prigdom's Philistia, though a polished State, + Has not yet learned quite how to recreate. + Gath in the ball-room gathers, + Askelon haunts 'At homes,' but little joy + Bring they to man or matron, girl or boy, + To swells or City-fathers." + + (_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +AU REVOIR! + +Mr. PUNCH _and_ Mr. J. L. TOOLE _discovered smoking a last cigar_. + +_Mr. P._ And so, my dear JOHNNIE, you are leaving us at once? + +_Mr. J. L. T._ Yes, Sir, but I hope soon to be back again. I am looking +forward to the voyage as an excellent digestive to all the luncheons, +dinners, and suppers I have been taking for the last five or six weeks. + +_Mr. P._ I have no doubt they have been a little trying--eh, JOHNNIE? + +_Mr. J. L. T._ And yet, as I have observed in the _Upper Crust_, "they +were very welcome." But, Sir, how did I get through my oratory? Did you +notice my speeches at the Garrick and the Savage? Which did you prefer? + +_Mr. P._ I heard the first, and read a report of the second, and can +conscientiously declare they were equally good. + +_Mr. J. L. T._ I am glad to hear you say so, Sir. I confess I didn't +think there was _much_ to choose between them. And now (_with deep +emotion_), will you excuse my glove? + +_Mr. P._ No; I won't say good-bye; for wherever you may roam, my dear +JOHNNIE, you will have this consolation--you will find me there before +you! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "There is now a strong impression that the Money Market +has at last tided over the period of tightness."--_Daily News_, Feb. 4.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST.] + + _A Song of a Strange Development._ + + Will you walk into my Congress? says the Emperor unto Labour; + 'Tis the nicest little Congress; I'm inviting many a neighbour. + The way into my Congress by this Rescript I prepare, + And we shall have some curious things to show you--when you're there. + Then won't you, won't you, little International Working-Man? + + We've already done a little to improve poor Labour's lot, + Shorten its hours, insure its life, and help to fill its pot. + But the poorer and the weaker yet fall short of the reality + Of "conformity to the principles of Chris-ti-an morality." + Then won't you, &c. + + 'Tis one of the State's duties, friends, to regulate the time, + The duration and the nature of your work,--a task sublime; + And you'll find we'll do it better, if you only won't resist, + Than that most obnoxious personage, the shouting Socialist. + Then won't you, &c. + + I'm an Emperor by profession, but I have my little plan + For improving the position of the German Working-man. + But the International Question stands a little in the way, + So I've asked the Nations to convene--I only hope they may. + Then won't you, &c. + + And when they get together they will do--well, we shall see; + But the Socialists shan't have _all_ their own way with Industry. + _I_ recognise the justice of the Workmen's aspirations, + And upon their wants and wishes I would start "negotiations." + Then won't you, &c. + + Oh, I know my plan will bring up all the fogies in full blast, + And Coercion and Protection I see looking on aghast. + But I'm game to turn deaf ear to them, if _you_ will only list, + To that latest, strangest birth of time, the Imperial Socialist! + Then won't you, &c. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT. + +_Hints from the Chancellor of the Exchequer's correspondence._ + +SIR,--If you wish to immortalise yourself as Chancellor of the +Exchequer, now is your opportunity. You have a surplus, I believe, of +eight or nine millions? This is about the figure required to provide the +Members of the London County Council with a moderate-sized palace, not +perhaps entirely suited to their exalted dignity, but, at least, +sufficient to house them in something like proper and fitting style. A +site should be secured on the Embankment, by clearing away Somerset +House, and the intervening buildings, including the blocks of the Inner +and Middle Temple, which could all be carted away and re-erected further +down, say, at Millbank, and on the space thus secured a white marble +structure could be reared with an adequately imposing facade facing the +river, that would in some slight degree represent the majesty of the +illustrious body destined to occupy it. I don't say that nine millions +would be enough thoroughly to carry out the design I have in view, but +your surplus might serve as a central fund to begin upon, to which +Parliament, no doubt, would cheerfully add another five or six millions +if required. Such an obvious use for your money, I feel, needs no +further argument from yours encouragingly and suggestively, + + A FULL BLOWN LONDON COUNTY COUNCILLOR. + +SIR,--I have several near relatives in the Colonies, with whom I have, +owing to the present exorbitant rates for postage, not communicated for +many years. This fact has suggested to me that _the_ golden opportunity +now offers itself to you of re-uniting family ties, re-opening closed +correspondence, restoring natural affection in otherwise hardened +breasts, and, in a word, consolidating the Empire, it may be, for +countless ages yet unborn. Spend your surplus, Sir, in providing this +country and all her dependencies with a _farthing postage_--mind, not a +_penny_, but a FARTHING POSTAGE! I read somewhere that the actual cost +to the Government for the transport of letters was at the rate of ten +for a penny. Thus your four millions sunk in the enterprise ought to +produce you an immediate profit, at least so I make it, of six millions +a year. But, profit or no profit, think of the boon to thousands of +Englishmen like myself, who could then stand a penny-worth of +correspondence in the year, with children with whom now they are unable +to communicate, owing to the cruel and crushing charge of fivepence for +a single letter. Picture one who, though not close over money matters, +and full of love for his offspring, must yet sign himself + + A CIRCUMSPECT AND CAUTIOUS PARENT. + +SIR,--Have you read Lord WOLSELEY's article in this month's _Harper_? He +advises a higher rate of pay for the rank and file of the British Army? +_Verbum sap._ You understand. It is clear what you must do with your +surplus. Ensure TOMMY ATKINS six-and-six-pence a day, and you will have +every Regiment in the Service thronged with real live Gentlemen. This is +what is wanted (so I gather from Lord W.'s article) to make the British +Army, if not the most costly, at least the most respectable in the +world. Come, Sir, do not make it necessary that you should be reminded a +second time of your plain and obvious duty by + + A SANGUINE AND EXPECTANT PRIVATE. + +SIR,--There can be no doubt in regard to the proper destination of those +surplus millions, the fitting disposition of which, I am informed, is +involving you in no little perplexity. They seem in a special manner to +furnish the legitimate answer to the almost universal cry, now going +forth, for "Free Education." Here then is your opportunity. And it is a +magnificent one. Your surplus will enable a wise and paternal Government +to give not merely education, free of cost, to every child in the three +kingdoms, but will supply it with ample means to infuse the very highest +culture attainable into the very dregs of the population. Spanish, +Italian, German, Russian, French, Chinese, together with riding, +dancing, painting in oil colours, hydrostatics, and the elements of +Court etiquette, will, henceforth, comprise the curriculum of the +veriest gutter-child. + +Can you, Sir, contemplate such a brilliant, such a soul-stirring +prospect unmoved? That you cannot, and will at once hand over your +useful millions for the purpose of carrying into effect the above modest +but magnificent scheme, is the firm belief of yours suggestively, + + THE LATEST TEACHER OF THE YOUNG IDEA. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DIAGNOSIS.] + +"IT SAYS 'ERE, AS YOUR OLD BOSS, COLONEL M'WHUSKEY, HAS BEEN TOOK +ILL."--"AH! SO I 'ERD!"--"RUSSIAN EPIDEMIC?"--"NO,--SCOTCH." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: Book Markers.] + +"Bring me my Scotch Dictionary!" cried the Baron. "Alas, my Lord!" was +the answer of the faithful servitor, "there is none such here." +"I'fakins!" quoth the Baron, "then will I buckle to and read _A Window +in Thrums_ without it, even though I break all my teeth and nigh choke +myself, as indeed, I have well-nigh done in my gallant attempt to master +the first two chapters." So I, the Baron, being convalescent and having +a few hours to spare, lay me down and read, and read, and read, and +stumbled over the Scotch words and phrases, until I hit on the plan of +reading it aloud to two or three other convalescents; just to see how +_they_ would like it. And as I read aloud, this book,--which on account +of its apparent difficulty, and by reason of my education having been +neglected, "lang syne," in respect to the Scotch language, an intimate +knowledge of which I have not yet acquired "the noo,"--it gained my +affection gradually, steadily, and increasingly. Though I could not have +translated individual words and phrases, yet I instinctively understood +them, and was delighted with the homely simplicity of the style, the +keen observation, the shrewd wit, and the gentle pathos of _A Window in +Thrums_. The BARON DE BOOK-WORMS is grateful to Mr. J. M. BARRIE; and +when an opportunity is offered him, he is seriously thinking of +re-reading some of the Scotchiest of Sir WALTER SCOTT'S Novels, and +having a "Nicht or twa wi' ROBBIE BURNS." + +I await the Reminiscences of Mr. MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C. and P.M., with +considerable interest. + +Mr. KEITH FLEMING'S romance, _Can such Things be? or, the Weird of the +Beresfords_,--no relation to Lord CHARLES of that ilk,--starts, and will +make the reader start too, with a very creepy idea. The story would have +been a genuine weird and eerie one but for the continual twaddling +interruptions about "spookikal" research and metaphysical problems, +which, however, the experienced skipper, who knows the chart, can easily +avoid after the first two or three bumps, and even the inexperienced +reader will be able, after an hour or two, to hop from point to point +like a robin from twig to twig. But skipping and hopping is wearying, +and the story is too long, and so we become familiar with the ghost, and +we all know what the fatal consequence of familiarity is. The +repetitions of the Spook's appearance are monotonous. Had _The Weird_ +been condensed like milk in tins, or essenced like Liebig, and been +presented to the public as a story in two numbers of _Blackwood_ (always +such an appropriate title for a Magazine full of mysterious +stories,--BLACK WOOD so like Black Forest) or _Macmillan_, or _Cornhill_ +(where, somehow, a ghost-story always reads uncommonly well), this +romance would have created a great sensation. As it is, it doesn't, at +least not much. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +Our present Drama (No. VI.) represents an attempt to illustrate upon the +Music-hall Stage the eternal truth that race _will_ tell in the long +run, despite--but, on second thoughts, it does not _quite_ prove that, +though it certainly shows the unerring accuracy of parental--at least, +that is not exactly its tendency, either; and the fact is that _Mr. +Punch_ is more than a little mixed himself as to the precise theory +which it is designed to enforce. He hopes, however, that, as a realistic +study of Patrician life and manners, it will possess charms for a +democratic audience. + +COMING OF AGE. + +_A Grand Social Psychological Comedy-Drama, in One Act._ + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE. + +_The Earl of Burntalmond._ +_The Countess of Burntalmond_ (_his wife_). +_Robert Henry Viscount Bullsaye_ (_their son and heir_). +_The Lady Rose Caramel_ (_niece to the Earl_). +_Horehound._ } (_Travelling as "The Celebrated Combination_ +_Mrs. Horehound._ } _Korffdropp Troupe," in their refined and_ +_Coltsfoot Horehound._ } _elegant Drawing-room Entertainment._) +_Tenantry._ + +SCENE--_The Great Quadrangle of Hardbake Castle; banners, mottoes, +decorations, &c. On the steps, R., the Earl, supported by his wife, son, +and niece, is discovered in the act of concluding a speech to six +tenantry, who display all the enthusiasm that is reasonably to be +expected at ninepence a night._ + +[Illustration] + +_The Earl (patting_ Lord BULLSAYE'S _shoulder)._ I might say more, +Gentlemen, in praise of my dear son, Lord BULLSAYE, here--I might dwell +on his extreme sweetness, his strongly marked character, the variety of +his tastes, and the singular attraction he has for children of all +ages--but I forbear. I will merely announce that on this day--the day he +has selected for attaining his majority--he has gratified us all by +plighting troth to his cousin, the Lady ROSE CARAMEL, with whose dulcet +and clinging disposition he has always possessed the greatest natural +affinity. [_Cheers._ + +_Lord Bullsaye_ (_aside to_ Lady R.). Ah, ROSE, would such happiness +could last! But my heart misgives me strangely--why, I know not. + +_Lady R._ Say not so, dear BULLSAYE--have you not just rendered me the +happiest little Patrician in the whole peerage? + +_Lord B._ 'Tis true--and yet, and yet--pooh, let me snatch the present +hour! [_Snatches it._ + +_The Earl._ And now, let the Revels commence. + +_Enter the_ Korffdropp Troupe, _who give their marvellous Entertainment, +entitled, "The Three Surprise Packets;" after which--_ + +_Horehound._ This will conclude the first portion of our Entertainment, +Lords, Ladies, and Gentlemen; and, while my wife and pardner retires to +change her costoom for the Second Part, I should be glad of the +hoppertoonity of a short pussonal hexplanation with the noble Herl on my +right. [_Exit_ Mrs. HOREHOUND. + +_The Earl_ (_graciously_). I will hear you, fellow! (_Aside._) Strange +how familiar his features seem to me! + +_Horeh._ The fact is, your Lordship's celebrating the coming of hage of +the _wrong heir_. (_Sensation--i.e., the six tenantry shift from one leg +to the other, and murmur feebly._) Oh, I can prove it. Twenty-one years +ago--(_slow music_)--I was in your Lordship's service as gamekeeper, +'ead whip, and hextry waiter. My son and yours was born the selfsame +day, and my hold woman was selected to hact as foster-mother to the +youthful lord. Well--(_tells a long, and not entirely original, story; +marvellous resemblance between infants, only distinguishable by green +and magenta bows, &c., &c._) Soon after, your Lordship discharged me at +a moment's notice---- + +_The Earl_ (_haughtily_). I did, upon discovering that you were in the +habit of surreptitiously carrying off kitchen-stuff, concealed within +your umbrella. But proceed with your narration. + +_Horeh._ I swore to be avenged, and so--(_common form again; the shifted +bows_)--consequently, as a moment's reflection will convince you, the +young man on the steps, in the button-'ole and tall 'at, is my lawful +son, while the real Viscount is--(_presenting_ COLTSFOOT, _who advances +modestly on his hands_)--'ere! [_Renewed sensation._ + +_The Earl._ This is indeed a startling piece of intelligence. (_To_ Lord +B.) And so, Sir, it appears that your whole life has been one consistent +imposition--a gilded _lie_? + +_Lord B._ Let my youth and inexperience at the time, Sir, plead as my +best excuse! + +_The E._ Nothing can excuse the fact that you--you, a low-born son of +the people, have monopolised the training, the tenderness and education, +which were the due of your Patrician foster-brother. (_To_ COLTSFOOT.) +Approach, my injured, long-lost boy, and tell me how I may atone for +these years of injustice and neglect! + +_Coltsf._ Well, Guv'nor, if you could send out for a pot o' four arf, it +'ud be a _beginning_, like. + +_The E._ You shall have every luxury that befits your rank, but first +remove that incongruous garb. + +_Colts_, (_to_ Lord B.). These 'ere togs belong to _you_ now, young +feller, and I reckon exchange ain't no robbery. + +_Lord B._ (_with emotion, to_ Countess). Mother, can you endure to +behold your son in tights and spangles on the very day of his majority? + +_Countess_ (_coldly_). On the contrary, it is my wish to see him attired +as soon as possible, in a more appropriate costume. + +_Lord B._ (_to_ Lady R.). ROSE, _you_, at least, have not changed? Tell +me you will love me still--even on the precarious summit of an acrobat's +pole! + +_Lady Rose_ (_scornfully_). Really the presumptuous familiarity of the +lower orders is perfectly appalling! + +_The Earl_ (_to_ Countess, _as_ Lord B. _and_ COLTSFOOT _retire to +exchange costumes_). At last, PAULINE, I understand why I could never +feel towards BULLSAYE the affection of a parent. Often have I reproached +myself for a coldness I could not overcome. + +_Countess._ And I too! Nature was too strong for us. But, oh, the joy of +recovering our son--of finding him so strong, so supple, so agile. Never +yet has our line boasted an heir who can feed himself from a fork +strapped on to his dexter heel! + +_The E._ (_with emotion_). Our beloved, boneless boy! + +[_Re-enter_ COLTSFOOT _in modern dress, and_ Lord B. _in tights_. + +_Colts._ Don't I look slap-up--O.K. and no mistake? Oh, I _am_ 'aving a +beano! + +_All._ What easy gaiety, and unforced animation! + +_The E._ My dear boy, let me present you to your _fiancee_. ROSE, my +love, this is your _legitimate_ lover. + +_Colts._ Oh, all right, _I've_ no objections--on'y there'll be ructions +with the young woman in the tight-rope line as I've been keepin' comp'ny +with--that's all! + +_The E._ Your foster-brother will act as your substitute there. +(_Proudly._) _My_ son must make no _mesalliance_! + +_Rose_ (_timidly_). And, if it would give you any pleasure, I'm sure I +could soon learn the tight-rope! + +_Colts._ Not at _your_ time o' life. Miss, and besides, 'ang it, now I'm +a lord, I can't have my wife doin' nothing low! + +_The E._ Spoken like a true BURNTALMOND! And now let the revels +re-commence. [_Re-enter_ Mrs. HOREHOUND. + +_Horeh._ (_to_ Lord B.). Now then, stoopid, tumble, can't you--what are +you 'ere _for_? + +_Lord B._ (_to the_ Earl). Since it is your command, I obey, though it +is ill tumbling with a heavy heart! + +[_Turns head over heels laboriously._ + +_Colts._ Call that a somersault? 'Ere, 'old my 'at (_giving tall hat to_ +Lady R.) _I'll_ show yer 'ow to do a turn. + +[_Throws a triple somersault._ + +_All._ What condescension! How his aristocratic superiority is betrayed, +even in competition with those to the manner born! + +_Mrs. Horeh._ (_still in ignorance of the transformation_). Halt! I have +kept silence till now--even from my husband, but the time has come when +I _must_ speak. Think you that if he were indeed a lord, he could turn +such somersaults as those? No--no. I will reveal all. (_Tells same old +story--except that she herself from ambitious motives transposed the +infants' bows._) Now, do with me what you will! + +_Horeh._ Confusion, so my ill-judged action did but redress the wrong I +designed to effect! + +_The E._ (_annoyed_). This is a serious matter, reflecting as it does +upon the legitimacy of my lately recovered son. What proof have you, +woman, of your preposterous allegation? + +_Mrs. H._ None, my lord,--but these-- + +[_Exhibits two faded bunches of ribbon._ + +_The E._ I cannot resist such overwhelming evidence, fight against it as +I may. + +_Lord B._ (_triumphantly_). And so--oh, Father, Mother, ROSE--dear, dear +ROSE--I am no acrobat after all! + +_The E._ (_sternly_). Would you were anything half so serviceable to the +community, Sir! I have no superstitious reverence for rank, and am, I +trust, sufficiently enlightened to discern worth and merit--even beneath +the spangled vest of the humblest acrobat. Your foster-brother, brief as +our acquaintance has been, has already endeared himself to all hearts, +while you have borne a trifling reverse of fortune with sullen +discontent and conspicuous incapacity. He has perfected himself in a +lofty and distinguished profession during years spent by _you_, Sir, in +idly cumbering the earth of Eton and Oxford. Shall I allow him to suffer +by a purely accidental coincidence? Never! I owe him reparation, and it +shall be paid to the uttermost penny. From this day, I adopt him as my +eldest son, and the heir to my earldom, and all other real and personal +effects. See, ROBERT HENRY, that you treat your foster-brother as your +senior in future! + +_Coltsf._ (_to_ Lord B). Way-oh, ole matey, I don't bear no malice, _I_ +don't! Give us your dooks. [_Offering hand._ + +_The C._ Ah, BULLSAYE, try to be worthy of such generosity! + +[Lord B. _grasps_ COLTSFOOT'S _hand in silence._ + +_Lady Rose._ And pray, understand that, whether Mr. COLTSFOOT be +viscount or acrobat, it can make no difference whatever to the +disinterested affection with which I have lately learnt to regard him. + +[_Gives her hand to_ COLTSFOOT, _who squeezes it with ardour_. + +_Coltsf._ (_pleasantly_). Well, Father, Mother, your noble Herlship and +Lady, foster-brother BULLSAYE, and my pretty little sweetart 'ere, what +do you all say to goin' inside and shunting a little garbage, and +shifting a drop or so of lotion, eh? + +_The E._ A most sensible suggestion, my boy. Let us make these ancient +walls the scene of the blithest--ahem!--_beano_ they have ever yet +beheld! + + [_Cheers from Tenantry, as the_ Earl _leads the way into the Castle + with_ Mrs. HOREHOUND, _followed by_ HOREHOUND _with the Countess + and_ COLTSFOOT _with_ Lady ROSE, Lord BULLSAYE, _discomfited and + abashed, entering last as Curtain falls_.] + + * * * * * + +KICKED! + +(_By the Foot of Clara Groomley._) + +CHAPTER IV. AND LAST. + +In the little sitting-room above his shop sat Mr. ASSID ROPES. It was +the afternoon before Christmas Day. He had generously allowed all his +assistants to leave. "If anybody wants their hair cut, or their hat +ironed," he said, "I'll do it myself, and then they'll wish they +hadn't." + +Yet, when a customer rapped on the floor below, Mr. ROPES felt +exceedingly angry. + +"What do you want?" he called down the stairs. + +"I want my hat ironed," said a clear, manly voice. + +"Go away! Your hat doesn't want ironing. Go to bed!" + +"I will not go away," said the clear, firm voice, "until you have +attended to my hat--hat once, if you please." + +Mr. ROPES came grumbling down the stairs. For one moment he gazed at the +man in the shop, and then flung his arms round him and wept tears of +joy. + +"My dear old friend, CYRIL MUSH!" he exclaimed. + +They had been boys together at Eton, and rowed in the Trinity boat +together at Cambridge. Fate had separated them. + +In less than a minute they were talking over old times together in the +little sitting-room over the shop. CYRIL MUSH was delighted. "You can't +charge an old friend anything for just ironing his hat," he said, with +his peculiarly winning smile. + +Before Mr. ROPES could correct this impression, another voice was heard +in the shop below. + +"Can you come down for a minute--to oblige a lady?" + +Mr. ROPES descended once more. In a minute he returned. + +"Awfully sorry, MUSH, but I must go. I've got to shave a dead poodle, +and the men are coming to stuff it at nine o'clock to-night. It's for a +lady--_noblesse oblige_, you know. I'll finish your hat when I come +back." + +In a second he was gone. CYRIL MUSH replaced the lining in his hat, and +placed it on his head. He went out into the streets. He was wondering +what poodle it was which Mr. ASSID ROPES had gone to shave. Could it be +the same? No, most certainly not. So of course it was the same. + +In the meanwhile Mr. ROPES had arrived at the house, and had been +ushered into the chamber of death. The light was very bad, and he +happened to cut the animal while engaged in shaving it. + +"Very sorry, Sir," said Mr. ROPES, from force of habit, "but it's not my +fault. You've got a pimple there, and you jerked your head just as I was +going over it. A little powder will put that all right." + +[Illustration] + +Suddenly it flashed across him that the poodle was not dead if the blood +flowed. He rushed out of the room, and found himself confronted by a +handsome, wicked-looking man, of about thirty. + +"Excuse me, Sir, but that poodle's not dead. It's in a trance. Just run +down to the kitchen and fetch me some brandy, some blankets, and some +hot bricks, and I'll bring it round." + +"The dog _is_ dead, and in a very few hours he'll be stuffed," was the +cruel reply. "You needn't trouble to bring it round. If you've brought +your tackle round, you can shave it." + +"I've been shaving it--and that's how I know." + +A door opened on the other side of the passage, and a fair young girl +came out in tears and a black dress. + +"What's the matter, ALGERNON?" she said. + +"It's nothing, ALICE. This idiot says that _Tommy's_ not dead." + +With one wild yell of joy, a yell that broke the gas-globes, and +unlinked carriages at all the principal London railway stations, ALICE +SMITH fell senseless on the floor. + +"Out you get!" exclaimed her cousin ALGERNON to Mr. ROPES. "If the dog +is not dead, come back in two hours, and _prove_ it--otherwise it will +be dead, and stuffed too." + +"Now then," said ALGERNON, when Mr. ROPES had gone, "if _Tommy Atkins_ +is not dead, he soon will be." He grasped his walking-stick, and tried +the door of the room. It was locked. Mr. ROPES had locked it, and taken +the key! + +"Aha!" he exclaimed. "Baffled! Baffled! Kindly turn the lime-light off +the swooned maiden, and throw it on to me. Sympathetic music from the +violins, if you please." + + * * * + +One hour had passed. Mr. ALKALOID, the photographer, had met Mr. MUSH. +Mr. ALKALOID had come from Ryde to London to get his hair singed. The +two accidentally met Mr. ROPES as he was dashing wildly down the street +towards his own shop. In one minute all was explained. Mr. ALKALOID had +fetched his photographic apparatus, and the three were careering back to +the house where the poodle lay dead. But was he dead? You know he +wasn't, as well as I do. What do you ask such senseless questions for? +"It's the only sure test," said ALKALOID. "If that dog's alive, he'll +wag his tail when I try to photograph him. I never knew it fail." + + * * * + +Outside the door of that gorgeously-furnished room stood an excited +group. ALGERNON, the villain, was soliloquising. ALICE was explaining to +CYRIL how he had dropped his note down the neck of the wrong girl--who +was also named SMITH--and how she had been compelled to believe him +unfaithful. Mr. ROPES was listening attentively at the key-hole, and +CYRIL was kissing ALICE. + +Within the room Mr. ALKALOID was photographing the dead poodle. (I call +it dead, but of course that doesn't humbug _you_.) + +"Now then, we're ready," they heard Mr. ALKALOID say. "Don't stare. Just +a natural, easy--now then--thank you!" + +There was dead silence within the room and without. Then the door +opened, and Mr. ALKALOID came out cheerfully. + +"The poodle's dead all right," he said. "What you took to be blood, +ROPES, was blacking off your razor. You really ought not to strop them +on your boot. I'll walk round to your shop with you. I want my hair +singed." + +ALICE went into hysterics; ALGERNON swooned with joy; and CYRIL MUSH had +a fit. + +At the moment of going to press, they are all three still in the above +condition. The dog, in the meantime, has been accidentally stuffed with +the stuffing intended for the stuffer's Christmas goose. The goose was +found, on carving, to be stuffed with several shilling shockers, which +had been intended to pad the poodle. + +And to what better use could they have been put--especially if they were +all like this? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD!] + +(ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD.) + +_Daughter of the House_ (_anxious to introduce Partners to each other_). +"IS YOUR CARD QUITE FULL, MR. M'SAWNEY?" _Mr. M'Sawney._ "OH DEAR, NO! +WHICH DANCE SHALL I GIVE YOU?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "SALUTE!" OR, TAKING HIS MEASURE.] + +(OPENING OF SESSION, FEB. 11, 1890.) + + * * * + +THE "SALUTE;" OR, TAKING DISTANCE. + + "When the assault is given in the presence of spectators, it is not + uncommon to precede it by the Salute, which shows the scheme and + various figures, as it were, of the attack and defence in a precise, + ceremonious manner, and with the same kind of courtly ritual as that + which distinguishes the minuet."--_H. A. Colmore Dunn's "Fencing"._ + + There, standing face to face, foil in hand, + Just out of lunging range they salute, + Who anon, swordsman stark, old fencer grand, + Must fight their duel out, foot to foot. + Mere preliminary flourish, all of this; + The punctilio of "form" without a fault; + But soon the blades shall counter, clash, and twist, + In assault. + + The ritual of the rapier or the foil; + Vastly pretty ceremonial parade. + Merest preface to the hot and breathless toil + Of the fencers fiercely battling blade to blade. + In position! Featly, formally on guard, + Engage the blades in quarte. But by-and-by + Every subtle thrust and parry, feint and ward, + Each will try. + + Foible to foible! Measure distance! Lunge! + Now the thrust ends in the merest harmless touch; + But ere the beaten man throws up the sponge, + As the boxers say, relaxing his hilt-clutch, + There'll be lunges and ripostes of other sort. + Firm foot and steady hand must be their friend; + The encounter will be struggle, not mere sport, + Ere the end. + + First to left and then to right! Parry of quarte! + In pronation by a turn of supple wrist! + Parry in tierce! All elegant and smart; + But the lethal thrust no parry can resist + Comes not in this preliminary play. + The defender, so complacent and erect, + Will show another pose another day, + We suspect. + + And that grey Grand Old Assailant, who's expert + At beat and re-beat, press, and graze, and bind, + Will try his best at a disabling hurt; + It is not mere parade that's in his mind. + Meanwhile he's taking measure of his foe, + Meanwhile his foe of him is taking stock; + And anon they'll come together in a glow, + With a shock! + + * * * * * + +THE PREMIER'S POWER. + +_Brief Fragment of a current Historical Romance._ + + [It is whispered that the PRIME MINISTER has of late taken too much + into his own hands the conduct of the foreign affairs of the + Government.--_Smoking-room Gossip._] + +The PRIME MINISTER stood upon the rug, with his back to the fire, and +regarded his assembled colleagues with an imperious and angry scowl. +There was a profound and significant silence for several minutes. At +length it broke. He was addressing them once more. + +"You understand the official relationship that exists between us. You +are my creatures. I am your Master. What I originate, you accept. I act, +you endorse. Do I," he continued, his voice rising to a shrill, piping +treble, "do I make myself sufficiently clear?" + +A sickly smile of abject acquiescence overspread the features of the now +trembling Ministers. Their Chief noted it with a gloomy glare. Then with +a furious gesture, he suddenly kicked a waste-paper basket into the air. +"You may go!" he growled. They did not wait for a second permission. +Swiftly, but obsequiously, they glided out of the room, and with traces +of terror stamped on their blanched countenances, silently sought the +little neighbouring Railway Station, and took the next train to London. + + * * * + +That night the Premier sat up late. But his work, when he began it, did +not take him long. Yet it was not unimportant, for the departing +mail-bag carried a set of sealed orders for the Admiral in Command of +the British Squadron in East African Waters, another Ultimatum to the +Government of Portugal, a threatening communication to the Porte, and +disturbing despatches, threatening to the peace of Europe, to the +Governments of Russia, France, and Germany respectively. He laughed long +and loud when he thought of their contents. Then he went to bed. + + * * * + +Later on, his work bore fruit; and people then said that the Cabinet of +the day must have been a strange one! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HORRIBLE RESULT OF USING THE "EGYPTIAN FUR-TILISER."] + +"A cargo of 180,000 mummified Cats has just been landed at Liverpool, to +be used as Manure."--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S COMPANIONS. + +I'm a beginning for to think as we're rayther a rum lot in this werry +strawnery world of ours. I've jest bin a collectin from sum of my +brother Waiters sum of their little historys, as far as they remembers +'em, and werry strange and werry warious sum on 'em is. There's one pore +chap who's about as onest and as atentif a Waiter as I nos on anywheres, +but you never, no never, ewer sees him smile, not ewen wen a ginerus old +Deputy, or a new maid Alderman, gives him harf-a-crown! I've offen and +offen tried to cheer him hup with a good old glass of ginerus port, wen +sum reglar swells has bin a dining and has not emtied the bottels--as +reel Gennelmen never does--but never quite suck-seeded, tho' he drank +down his wine fast enuff and ewidently injoyed it quite as much as if +he'd paid for it, praps jest a leetle bit more. So one day I wentured to +arsk him how it was as he was allers as sollem as a Churchwarden at a +Charity Sermon, or a Clown in summer time, and he told me as it was all +causd by the suckemstances of his hurly life, which he had never been +abel to shake off hisself, pore Fellar! tho' they was none of 'em his +own fault, which they was as follers. + +[Illustration] + +To begin with. He was born on a Fryday, on the 1st of April, and amost +all his days for years after seems to have been either Frydays or Fust +of Aprils, sumtimes one, sumtimes tother, sumtimes both. He was the +youngest of eleven children, and so made the family party consist of 13, +always as we all knos a unlucky number, and he seemed to have been +treeted as if it had bin his own fault, which in course it wasn't, not +by no means, no more than it was his fault the having the Skarlet Fever +on one Crismus Day, which he did to heverybody's disgust. + +He was afterwards told by his old Nuss BECKY that one speshal greevance +of his pore mother was, that her youngest child being seven years old +when BILLY was born, all the warious prepperashuns customary on such +himportant occasions had been dun away with as useless, ewen to the +customary gigantick Pincushon, so that in his case there was no "Welcum +to the Little Stranger!" So long, too, as his oldest brother remained at +tome, he was never allowed to set down to dinner with the rest of the +famerly, because, in course, he made up the unlucky number, the werry +nateral consequence being, that when his oldest brother suddenly took +his departure from among 'em, poor little BILLY was werry severely +flogged for setting down to dinner with a smiling countinghouse! Of +course ewery time as his unfortnit Birthday came round he was made a +April Fool of, all his six lovin Brothers jining in the sport, one arter +the other, nearly all day long. When he went to school, ewerybody knowed +of his afflickshun, and made a fool of him, hushers and all. + +After he growed up, his Father got him a plaice at a Lunatic Asylum, as +being the most properest for his sollem natur; and there he remained for +no less than five years! + +Then, on the other hand, there's old TOM, or rayther yung TOM, for he's +one of them jolly chaps as never seems to get no older. Why he goes +about a grinning away, and a chatting away, and a chaffing of old BILL, +who's much younger than him, like anythink. So I naterally arsked him +how he acounted for his good sperrits. And what was his arnser? Why, +hurly training. His Father was a Comic Play Actor, and allers ready for +a larf, and offen took yung TOM with him to the Theater till he becum +quite a favrite with all the merry gals there, who used to pet him, and +give him sweets, and teach him to say all sorts of funny things; and, +when he was old enuff, he was promoted to the dignity of a full-blown +Super, at 18 shillings a week, and all his close found. His grate +differculty was in looking serious and keeping serious when serious +bizziness was a going on; and on one occashun, when he was playing one +of a band of sangwinerry ruffians, sumthink so took his fansy, that he +not only bust into a loud larf hisself, but set all the rest of the +sangwinerry ruffians a larfing too, and quite spiled all the effect of +the scene. So he was bundled off neck and crop, and soon afterwards got +a sitewashun as a Pleaceman, but, for the life of him, he never could +keep hisself serious when he was before a Magistrate with a case; for if +ennybody made a joke, or ennybody larfed, TOM set off a grinning with +the best of 'em, and once axshally made a joke with his Worship; so of +course off he was sent again, to find a rest for the soles of his feet, +and a free play for his good sperrits, in the honnerabel capacity of a +Waiter. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCH'S PARLIAMENTARY PUPPETS.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ULTIMA RATIO.] + +_Small Rustic._ "YEOU CAN'T GO THAT WAY." + +_Stalwart Young Lady_ (_out Sketching_). "WHY NOT?" + +_Small Rustic._ "'CAUSE THERE'S--THERE'S HURDLES." + +_Stalwart Young Lady._ "BUT I CAN GET OVER HURDLES." + +_Small Rustic._ "AND THEN THERE'S THE BULL!" + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M P. + +[Illustration] + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, February 11._--"How do you do, TOBY? A merry +New Session and many of them." + +It was OLD MORALITY who spoke; his kindly face beamed on me; his +friendly hand grasped mine. Walked up the floor together through the old +familiar scene. Benches crowded, though a vacant seat here and there: +HARTINGTON'S for example. Everybody sorry to hear he's been ill, and +glad to think of him enjoying the sunlight of Monte Carlo. Grand Old Man +more Grand and less Old than ever; just up from Oxford; passed very +well, it is said. Comes into Parliament with every prospect of +distinguishing himself; his maiden speech looked for with much interest. + +"I think I'll put it off for a month or two, TOBY," he said, blushing +with the ingenuousness of youth. "You see I'm so fresh from college, +that it would ill become me to plunge into public affairs. It's all very +well for a young fellow like me to get up at the Union; but here it's +different. You're very good to say that great things are expected of me; +but, if you please, I'll keep in the background a bit. I'll feel my feet +first, as they used to say in the nursery, in what seems only +yesterweek." + +Very nice this of him. Wish all young fellows fresh from the University, +even when they have taken honours, were equally modest. + +"Haven't seen you since we met at Greenlands' icy mountains in the +Recess," OLD MORALITY said, continuing our conversation interrupted by +the cheers that greeted our arrival. "You remember how bitterly cold the +day was? Rather thought you hurried away. Wish you could have stayed to +luncheon. We happened to have something succulent. However, you must +come and dine in my room behind the SPEAKER'S Chair; AKERS-DOUGLAS will +show you the way. We do it pretty snug there, I can tell you. What sort +of a Session shall we have? Who can tell? Usual sort of thing, I +suppose. We shall bring in a lot of Bills; Gentlemen opposite will talk +some of them out; at Easter and Whitsuntide Recesses we shall squeeze a +stage of some through, under pressure of the holidays; then three weeks +in June and most of July will be wasted; and in August we'll suspend +Standing Orders, and ram through everything we can. As for me, I shall +endeavour to do my duty to the QUEEN, to the Country, and to the Members +of this House, in whichever part they sit. Did you ever, dear TOBY, +consider how a kettle boils? The water nearest to the fire is first +heated, and (being heated) rises to the top. Its place is supplied by +colder portions, which are heated in turn, and this interchange takes +place till all the water is boiling hot. That is how we shall get +through the Session. The Report of the Parnell Commission, being most +heated, will rise to the top first. Then the Tithes Bill, Land Purchase, +the Education question, and one or two other little matters will follow, +till we're all in boiling water. Good-bye now; don't forget to come +across AKERS-DOUGLAS about Eight o'Clock." + +_Business done._--Session opened. + + * * * * * + +KILLING FOR A SHILLING.--Lord WOLSELEY (who seems to have read the +regulations governing communications from soldiers to the Press in a +very liberal spirit) has published an article on the British Army in the +pages of an American Twelvepenny Magazine. The contribution is +embellished with sketches of the costumes of TOMMY ATKINS and his +predecessors. For the rest, some of the letterpress is sufficiently +alarming to warrant "Our Only General" in assuming a title which he +apparently appears to covet--that of a "Shilling Shocker!" + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING LIKE A DINNER. + +[Illustration: Vol au Vent.] + +Now that the Parliamentary Session has opened, and the Season threatens +to set in with its usual severity, the dinner question comes prominently +to the front. Even in the best-regulated households there is a sameness +about dinner which, towards the end of the week, palls upon the +appetite. Some ambitious young men have attempted to deal with the +matter and surprise their guests by introducing cheese immediately after +the soup (_souffle au parmesan_), and after a cut of beef comes the fish +(_turbot a la Russe_). That is well meant, but it is crude. _Mr. Punch_ +has given his great mind to the subject, and presents to the +consideration of the dining world the following hints for a meal:-- + + Half-om-half. + Blauwe Landtongsche Oesters. + Hoog-Sauterneswijn. + Soepen. + Dikke Rivierkreeften Soep. Volmaakte Soep in Van Dijk Stijl. + Amontillado. + Zuschotelles. + Selderij. Olijven. Radijs. Haringen. Poukenvorm gebakken + in Berg-op-Zoomsche Stijl. + Liebfraumilch. + Gekruide Gerechten. + Gestreepte Baars, Piet Hein Stijl. Lambasteien met Zeeuwsche Saus. + Chateau Danzac. + Voorgerechten. + Hoenden Vleugels, met Haagsche Saus. + Heetkoudegemakten Ganzenlevers in Zwolsche Stijl. + Ruinart, wrang wijn, Bijzonder Perrier Jouet, Louis Roederer, wrang, + Giesler & Co., G. H. Mumm, buitengewoondroog. + Groenten. + Aardappelen in Sneeksche Stijl. + Doperwten, Fransche Stijl. + Gebakkene Kropsalade. + Sorbet, Anneke Jans. + Gebraad. + Kanefasrug Eendvogels. Gekruide Seiderij-sla. + Richebourg. + Nagerecht. + Curacaogelei. Italiaansche Ijs. Edamsche Kaas. Vruchten. + Gemonteerde Stukken. + Koffie. + Likeuren. Sigaren. + Pupen en Tabak. + +It may be objected that half-and-half, even when badly spelt, is a cold +preparation for dinner; and others may take exception to _Poukenvorm_, +as likely to have an earthy taste. But did they ever try it _gebakken in +Berg-op-Zoomsche Stijl_? It is no use mincing matters. Let anyone in +search of a good dinner enter any well-appointed _restaurant_, and order +this _menu_ right through down to _Pupen en Tabak_ (which is not a +preparation of dog's meat), and if they are not satisfied, _Mr. Punch_ +is a Dutchman. + + * * * * * + +"RICHARDSON'S SHOW" AND A "BILL OF THE PLAY." + +The Vaudeville, when it was opened, was devoted to all that was light +and cheerful. Comedy and Burlesque went hand-in-hand, and the audience, +if ever asked to weep, were begged to cry with laughter. But Mr. ROBERT +BUCHANAN (with the assistance of the late Mr. RICHARDSON) "has changed +all that." _Clarissa_, the present attraction at the little theatre on +the North-side of the Strand, is a piece of the most doleful character. +The First Act is devoted to a very heartless abduction, and the last to +a lingering death and a fatal _duello_. When it is announced that the +successful fencer who "kills his man" is no less a person than that +excellent Comedian, Mr. THOMAS THORNE, it will be readily understood +that "the New Drama" is the reverse of lively. _Clarissa_ has scarcely a +laugh in it from beginning to end. Certainly, in the last Scene but one, +there is a revel, in which "pseudo-Ladies of Fashion" take part, but the +merriment with which it is spiced is decidedly ghastly. Miss WINIFRED +EMERY is exceedingly clever, but her death-scene is painfully +protracted. Mr. THALBERG, as _Lovelace_, is a sad dog in every sense--a +very sad dog, indeed. The only incident in the piece ever likely to +provoke a smile, is the appearance of some comic bearers of grotesque +sedan-chairs. When _Clarissa_ is carried out _a la_ GUY FAUX at the end +of the Second Act, there is certainly a moment's hesitation whether the +audience should cry or laugh. But the sighs have it, and +pocket-handkerchiefs remain to the front. On the occasion of the initial +performance, some slight amusement was caused by the introduction of Mr. +BUCHANAN in unconventional nineteenth century morning dress amongst the +old-fashioned costumes of the company; but, of course, the slight +amusement was for once and away, and could not advantageously be +frequently repeated. Thus, take one thing with another, the life of the +Vaudeville audiences at this moment cannot be truthfully described as a +merry one. + +[Illustration: Something Lively at the Vaudeville.] + +At the Avenue quite a different story may be told. People who visit this +pretty little house desirous of being moved even unto tears by that +finest of _Fausts_, Mr. ALEXANDER, will be disappointed--they had far +better stay at home, or go to see _Clarissa_. Mr. HAMILTON AIDE has +adapted from the French of CARRE (a case of fetch and carry) a Farcical +Comedy in Three Acts, which _he_ calls _Dr. Bill_, in preference to _Dr. +Jojo_ the Gallic original. The prescription from which the Doctor +concocts his mixture might have been supplied by the Criterion. Mr. +FREDERICK TERRY plays a part that would have suited Mr. WYNDHAM down to +the ground, and Mr. CHEVALIER is continually suggesting the +peculiarities of Mr. MALTBY. Miss FANNY BROUGH is Miss FANNY BROUGH, +which means that no one could play the part so well, much less better. +For the rest, the company (although a new one) work together with a "go" +that carries all before it. ALEXANDER has certainly conquered the +world--of Comedy. He may do less wise things if he rests satisfied, and +leaves Tragedy alone for an indefinitely lengthened period. + + SERJEANT COX, ON BEHALF OF PRIVATE BOX. + +P.S.--Mr. JEROME'S new piece (which he describes as "comparatively +speaking, new and original"), just produced at Terry's Theatre, is +rather disappointing. Its title of _New Lamps for Old_ strongly +suggests a "Night's Entertainment." But when the poverty of the plot and +the quality of the dialogue are taken into consideration, it would be +almost too much to say that this pleasant idea is fully realised by the +evening's performances. It must be confessed, however, that Mr. PENLEY, +rising and descending in a dinner-lift, is (at first) funny; and Miss +CISSY GRAHAME is ever welcome. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Making up Dr. Bill's Prescription.] + + * * * * * + + NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., + Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no + case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98 February 15, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, FEB 15, 1890 *** + +***** This file should be named 29930.txt or 29930.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/9/3/29930/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/29930.zip b/29930.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6fba356 --- /dev/null +++ b/29930.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7a6288b --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #29930 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/29930) |
