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diff --git a/2992.txt b/2992.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c73f55a --- /dev/null +++ b/2992.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3666 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Middle Class Gentleman, by Moliere + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Middle Class Gentleman + (Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme) + +Author: Moliere + +Posting Date: December 25, 2008 [EBook #2992] +Release Date: October, 2001 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MIDDLE CLASS GENTLEMAN *** + + + + +Produced by Philip Dwight Jones + + + + + +THE MIDDLE CLASS GENTLEMAN (Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme) + +By MOLIERE (Jean-Baptiste Poquelin, 1622-1673) + +Translated by Philip Dwight Jones + + +Comedy-Ballet presented at Chambord, for the entertainment of the +King, in the month of October 1670, and to the public in Paris for +the first time at the Palais-Royal Theater 23 November 1670 + + + + +The Cast + + Monsieur Jourdain, bourgeois. + Madame Jourdain, his wife. + Lucile, their daughter. + Nicole, maid. + Cleonte, suitor of Lucile. + Covielle, Cleonte's valet. + Dorante, Count, suitor of Dorimene. + Dorimene, Marchioness. + Music Master. + Pupil of the Music Master. + Dancing Master. + Fencing Master. + Master of Philosophy. + Tailor. + Tailor's apprentice. + Two lackeys. + Many male and female musicians, instrumentalists, dancers, cooks, + tailor's apprentices, and others necessary for the interludes. + + +The scene is Monsieur Jourdain's house in Paris. + + + + +ACT ONE + +SCENE I (Music Master, Dancing Master, Musicians, and Dancers) + +(The play opens with a great assembly of instruments, and in the +middle of the stage is a pupil of the Music Master seated at a +table composing a melody which Monsieur Jourdain has ordered for a +serenade.) + +MUSIC MASTER: (To Musicians) Come, come into this room, sit there +and wait until he comes. + +DANCING MASTER: (To dancers) And you too, on this side. + +MUSIC MASTER: (To Pupil) Is it done? + +PUPIL: Yes. + +MUSIC MASTER: Let's see... This is good. + +DANCING MASTER: Is it something new? + +MUSIC MASTER: Yes, it's a melody for a serenade that I set him to +composing here, while waiting for our man to awake. + +DANCING MASTER: May I see it? + +MUSIC MASTER: You'll hear it, with the dialogue, when he comes. He +won't be long. + +DANCING MASTER: Our work, yours and mine, is not trivial at +present. + +MUSIC MASTER: This is true. We've found here such a man as we both +need. This is a nice source of income for us--this Monsieur +Jourdain, with the visions of nobility and gallantry that he has +gotten into his head. You and I should hope that everyone resembled +him. + +DANCING MASTER: Not entirely; I could wish that he understood +better the things that we give him. + +MUSIC MASTER: It's true that he understands them poorly, but he +pays well, and that's what our art needs now more than anything +else. + +DANCING MASTER: As for me, I admit, I feed a little on glory. +Applause touches me; and I hold that, in all the fine arts, it is +painful to produce for dolts, to endure the barbarous opinions of a +fool about my choreography. It is a pleasure, don't tell me +otherwise, to work for people who can appreciate the fine points of +an art, who know how to give a sweet reception to the beauties of a +work and, by pleasurable approbations, gratify us for our labor. +Yes, the most agreeable recompense we can receive for the things we +do is to see them recognized and flattered by an applause that +honors us. There is nothing, in my opinion, that pays us better for +all our fatigue; and it is an exquisite delight to receive the +praises of the well-informed. + +MUSIC MASTER: I agree, and I enjoy them as you do. There is surely +nothing more agreeable than the applause you speak of; but that +incense does not provide a living. Pure praises do not provide a +comfortable existence; it is necessary to add something solid, and +the best way to praise is to praise with cash-in-hand. He's a man, +it's true, whose insight is very slight, who talks nonsense about +everything and applauds only for the wrong reasons but his money +makes up for his judgments. He has discernment in his purse. His +praises are in cash, and this ignorant bourgeois is worth more to +us, as you see, than the educated nobleman who introduced us here. + +DANCING MASTER: There is some truth in what you say; but I find +that you lean a little too heavily on money; and material interest +is something so base that a man of good taste should never show an +attachment to it. + +MUSIC MASTER: You are ready enough to receive the money our man +gives you. + +DANCING MASTER: Assuredly; but I don't place all my happiness in +it, and I could wish that together with his fortune he had some +good taste in things. + +MUSIC MASTER: I could wish it too, that's what both of us are +working for as much as we can. But, in any case, he gives us the +means to make ourselves known in the world; and he will pay others +if they will praise him. + +DANCING MASTER: Here he comes. + +SCENE II (Monsieur Jourdain, Two Lackeys, Music Master, Dancing +Master, Pupil, Musicians, and Dancers) + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Well gentlemen? What's this? Are you going to +show me your little skit? + +DANCING MASTER: How? What little skit? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Well, the... What-do-you-call it? Your +prologue or dialogue of songs and dances. + +DANCING MASTER: Ha, ha! + +MUSIC MASTER: You find us ready for you. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I kept you waiting a little, but it's because +I'm having myself dressed today like the people of quality, and my +tailor sent me some silk stockings that I thought I would never get +on. + +MUSIC MASTER: We are here only to wait upon your leisure. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I want you both to stay until they have brought +me my suit, so that you may see me. + +DANCING MASTER: Whatever you would like. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You will see me fitted out properly, from head +to foot. + +MUSIC MASTER: We have no doubt of it. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I had this robe made for me. + +DANCING MASTER: It's very attractive. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: My tailor told me the people of quality dress +like this in the mornings. + +MUSIC MASTER: It's marvelously becoming. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Hey lackeys! My two lackeys! + +FIRST LACKEY: What do you wish, Sir? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Nothing. I just wanted to see if you were paying +attention. (To the two masters) What say you of my liveries? + +DANCING MASTER: They're magnificent. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Half opening his gown, showing a pair of tight +red velvet breeches, and a green velvet vest, that he is wearing) +Here again is a sort of lounging dress to perform my morning +exercises in. + +MUSIC MASTER: It is elegant. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Lackey! + +FIRST LACKEY: Sir? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The other lackey! + +SECOND LACKEY: Sir? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Hold my robe. (To the Masters) Do you think I +look good? + +DANCING MASTER: Very well. No one could look better. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Now let's have a look at your little show. +MUSIC MASTER: I would like very much for you to listen to a melody +he (indicating his student) has just composed for the serenade that +you ordered from me. He's one of my pupils who has an admirable +talent for these kinds of things. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, but you should not have had that done by a +pupil; you yourself were none too good for that piece of work. + +MUSIC MASTER: You must not let the name of pupil fool you, sir. +Pupils of this sort know as much as the greatest masters, and the +melody is as fine as could be made. Just listen. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (To Lackeys) Give me my robe so I can listen +better... Wait, I believe I would be better without a robe... +No, give it back, that will be better. + +MUSICIAN: (Singing) I languish night and day, my suffering is +extreme Since to your control your lovely eyes subjected me; If you +thus treat, fair Iris, those you love, Alas, how would you treat an +enemy? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: This song seems to me a little mournful, it +lulls to sleep, and I would like it if you could liven it up a +little, here and there. + +MUSIC MASTER: It is necessary, Sir, that the tune be suited to the +words. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Someone taught me a perfectly pretty one some +time ago. Listen... Now... how does it go? + +DANCING MASTER: By my faith, I don't know. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There are sheep in it. + +DANCING MASTER: Sheep? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes. Ah! (He sings) I thought my Jeanneton As +beautiful as sweet; I thought my Jeanneton Far sweeter than a +sheep. Alas! Alas! She is a hundred times, A thousand times, more +cruel Than tigers in the woods! Isn't it pretty? + +MUSIC MASTER: The prettiest in the world. + +DANCING MASTER: And you sing it well. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It's without having learned music. + +MUSIC MASTER: You ought to learn it, Sir, as you are learning +dancing. They are two arts which have a close connection. + +DANCING MASTER: And which open the mind of a man to fine things. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: And do people of quality learn music, too? + +MUSIC MASTER: Yes sir. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'll learn it then. But I don't know when I can +find time; for besides the Fencing Master who's teaching me, I have +also engaged a master of philosophy who is to begin this morning. + +MUSIC MASTER: Philosophy is something; but music, sir, music... + +DANCING MASTER: Music and dancing, music and dancing, that's all +that's necessary. + +MUSIC MASTER: There's nothing so useful in a State as music. + +DANCING MASTER: There's nothing so necessary to men as dancing. + +MUSIC MASTER: Without music, a State cannot subsist. + +DANCING MASTER: Without the dance, a man can do nothing. + +MUSIC MASTER: All the disorders, all the wars one sees in the world +happen only from not learning music. + +DANCING MASTER: All the misfortunes of mankind, all the dreadful +disasters that fill the history books, the blunders of politicians +and the faults of omission of great commanders, all this comes from +not knowing how to dance. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: How is that? + +MUSIC MASTER: Does not war result from a lack of agreement between +men? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That is true. + +MUSIC MASTER: And if all men learned music, wouldn't that be a +means of bringing about harmony and of seeing universal peace in +the world? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You are right. + +DANCING MASTER: When a man has committed a mistake in his conduct, +in family affairs, or in affairs of government of a state, or in +the command of an army, do we not always say, "He took a bad step +in such and such an affair?" + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, that's said. + +DANCING MASTER: And can taking a bad step result from anything but +not knowing how to dance? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It's true, you are both right. + +DANCING MASTER: It makes you see the excellence and usefulness of +music and the dance. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I understand that, now. + +MUSIC MASTER: Do you wish to see our pieces? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes. + +MUSIC MASTER: I have already told you that this is a little attempt +I have made to show the different passions that music can express. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Very good. + +MUSIC MASTER (To musicians) Here, come forward. (To Monsieur +Jourdain) You must imagine that they are dressed as shepherds. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Why always as shepherds? You see nothing but +that everywhere. + +MUSIC MASTER: When we have characters that are to speak in music, +it's necessary, for believability, to make them pastoral. Singing +has always been assigned to shepherds; and it is scarcely natural +dialogue for princes or merchants to sing their passions. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Alright, alright. Let's see. + +DIALOGUE IN MUSIC: (A Woman and Two Men) + +ALL THREE: A heart, under the domination of love, Is always with a +thousand cares oppressed. It is said that we gladly languish, +gladly sigh; But, despite what can be said, There is nothing so +sweet as our liberty! + +FIRST MAN: There is nothing so sweet as the loving fires That make +two hearts beat as one. One cannot live without amorous desires; +Take love from life, you take away the pleasures. + +SECOND MAN: It would be sweet to submit to love's rule, If one +could find faithful love, But, alas! oh cruel rule! No faithful +shepherdess is to be seen, And that inconstant sex, much too +unworthy, Must renounce love eternally. + +FIRST MAN: Pleasing ardor! + +WOMAN: Happy liberty! + +SECOND MAN: Deceitful woman! + +FIRST MAN: How precious you are to me! + +WOMAN: How you please my heart! + +SECOND MAN: How horrible you are to me! + +FIRST MAN: Ah, leave, for love, that mortal hate! + +WOMAN: We can, we can show you a faithful shepherdess! + +SECOND MAN: Alas! Where to find her? + +WOMAN: In order to defend our reputation, I want to offer you my +heart! + +FIRST MAN: But, shepherdess, can I believe That it will not be +deceitful? + +WOMAN: We'll see through experience, Who of the two loves best. + +SECOND MAN: Who lacks constancy, May the gods destroy! + +ALL THREE: With ardors so beautiful Let us be inflamed! Ah, how +sweet it is to love, When two hearts are faithful! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Is that all? + +MUSIC MASTER: Yes. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I find it well-done, and there are some pretty +enough sayings in it. + +DANCING MASTER: Here, for my presentation, is a little display of +the loveliest movements and the most beautiful attitudes with which +a dance can possibly be varied. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Are these shepherds too? + +DANCING MASTER: They're whatever you please. Let's go! (Four +dancers execute all the different movements and all the kinds of +steps that the Dancing Master commands; and this dance makes the +First Interlude.) + + + + +ACT TWO + +SCENE I (Monsieur Jourdain, Music Master, Dancing Master, Lackeys) + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That's not all that bad, and those people there +hop around well. + +MUSIC MASTER: When the dance is combined with the music, it will +have even better effect, and you will see something quite good in +the little ballet we have prepared for you. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That's for later, when the person I ordered all +this for is to do me the honor of coming here to dine. + +DANCING MASTER: Everything is ready. + +MUSIC MASTER: However, sir, this is not enough. A person like you, +who lives magnificently, and who are inclined towards fine things, +should have a concert of music here every Wednesday or every +Thursday. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Is that what people of quality do? + +MUSIC MASTER: Yes, Sir. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Then I'll have them. Will it be fine? + +MUSIC MASTER: Without doubt. You must have three voices--a tenor, +a soprano, and a bass, who will be accompanied by a bass-viol, a +theorbo, and a clavecin for the chords, with two violins to play +the ritournelles. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You must also add a trumpet marine. The trumpet +marine is an instrument that pleases me and it's harmonious. + +MUSIC MASTER: Leave it to us to manage things. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: At least, don't forget to send the musicians to +sing at table. + +MUSIC MASTER: You will have everything you should have. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: But above all, let the ballet be fine. + +MUSIC MASTER: You will be pleased with it, and, among other things, +with certain minuets you will find in it. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! Minuets are my dance, and I would like you +to see me dance them. Come, my Dancing Master. + +DANCING MASTER: A hat, sir, if you please. La, la, la, la. La, la, +la, la. In cadence please. La, la, la, la. Your right leg. La, la, +la, la. Don't move your shoulders so. La, la, la, la. Your arms are +wrong. La, la, la, la. Raise your head. Turn the toe out. La, la, +la, la. Straighten your body up. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: How was that? (Breathlessly) + +MUSIC MASTER: The best. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: By the way, teach me how to bow to salute a +marchioness; I shall need to know soon. + +DANCING MASTER: How you must bow to salute a marchioness? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, a marchioness named Dorimene. + +DANCING MASTER: Give me your hand. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No. You only have to do it, I'll remember it +well. + +DANCING MASTER: If you want to salute her with a great deal of +respect, you must first bow and step back, then bow three times as +you walk towards her, and at the last one bow down to her knees. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (After the Dancing Master has illustrated) Do it +some. Good! + +LACKEY: Sir, your Fencing Master is here. MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Tell +him to come in here for my lesson. I want you to see me perform. + +SCENE II (Fencing Master, Music Master, Dancing Master, Monsier +Jourdain, a Lackey) + +FENCING MASTER: (After giving a foil to Monsieur Jourdain) Come, +sir, the salute. Your body straight. A little inclined upon the +left thigh. Your legs not so wide apart. Your feet both in a line. +Your wrist opposite your hip. The point of your sword even with +your shoulder. The arm not so much extended. The left hand at the +level of the eye. The left shoulder more squared. The head up. The +expression bold. Advance. The body steady. Beat carte, and thrust. +One, two. Recover. Again, with the foot firm. Leap back. When you +make a pass, Sir, you must first disengage, and your body must be +well turned. One, two. Come, beat tierce and thrust. Advance. Stop +there. One, two. Recover. Repeat. Leap back. On guard, Sir, on +guard. (The fencing master touches him two or three times with the +foil while saying, "On guard." ) + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: How was that? (Breathlessly) + +MUSIC MASTER: You did marvelously! + +FENCING MASTER: As I have told you, the entire secret of fencing +lies in two things: to give and not to receive; and as I +demonstrated to you the other day, it is impossible for you to +receive, if you know how to turn your opponent's sword from the +line of your body. This depends solely on a slight movement of the +wrist, either inward or outward. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: In this way then, a man, without courage, is +sure to kill his man and not be killed himself? + +FENCING MASTER: Without doubt. Didn't you see the demonstration? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes. + +FENCING MASTER: And thus you have seen how men like me should be +considered by the State, and how the science of fencing is more +important than all the other useless sciences, such as dancing, +music,... + +DANCING MASTER: Careful there, Monsieur swordsman! Speak of the +dance only with respect. + +MUSIC MASTER: I beg you to speak better of the excellence of +music. + +FENCING MASTER: You are amusing fellows, to want to compare your +sciences with mine! + +MUSIC MASTER: See the self-importance of the man! + +FENCING MASTER: My little Dancing Master, I'll make you dance as +you ought. And you, my little musician, I'll make you sing in a +pretty way. + +DANCING MASTER: Monsieur Clanger-of-iron, I'll teach you your +trade. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (To the Dancing Master) Are you crazy to quarrel +with him, who knows tierce and quarte, and who can kill a man by +demonstration? + +DANCING MASTER: I disdain his demonstrations, and his tierce, and +his quarte. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Careful, I tell you. + +FENCING MASTER: What? You little impertinent! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh! My Fencing Master. + +DANCING MASTER: What? You big workhorse! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh! My Dancing Master. + +FENCING MASTER: If I throw myself on you... + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Careful. + +DANCING MASTER: If I get my hands on you... + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be nice! + +FENCING MASTER: I'll go over you with a curry-comb, in such a +way... + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Mercy! + +DANCING MASTER: I'll give you a beating such as... + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I beg of you! + +MUSIC MASTER: Let us teach him a little how to talk! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh Lord! Stop. + + +SCENE III (Philosophy Master, Music Master, Dancing Master, Fencing +Master, Monsieur Jourdain, Lackeys) + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Aha! Monsieur Philosopher, you come just in time +with your philosophy. Come, make a little peace among these +people. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: What's happening? What's the matter, gentlemen. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: They have got into a rage over the superiority +of their professions to the point of injurious words and of wanting +to come to blows. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: What! Gentlemen, must you act this way? Haven't +you read the learned treatise that Seneca composed on anger? Is +there anything more base and more shameful than this passion, which +turns a man into a savage beast? And shouldn't reason be the +mistress of all our activities? + +DANCING MASTER: Well! Sir, he has just abused both of us by, +despising the dance, which I practice, and music, which is his +profession. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: A wise man is above all the insults that can be +spoken to him; and the grand reply one should make to such outrages +is moderation and patience. + +FENCING MASTER: They both had the audacity of trying to compare +their professions with mine. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Should that disturb you? Men should not dispute +amongst themselves about vainglory and rank; that which perfectly +distinguishes one from the other is wisdom and virtue. + +DANCING MASTER: I insist to him that dance is a science to which +one cannot do enough honor. + +MUSIC MASTER: And I, that music is something that all the ages have +revered. + +FENCING MASTER: And I insist to them that the science of fencing is +the finest and the most necessary of all sciences. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: And where then will philosophy be? I find you +all very impertinent to speak with this arrogance in front of me, +and impudently to give the name of science to things that one +should not even honor with the name of art, and that cannot be +classified except under the name of miserable gladiator, singer, +and buffoon! + +FENCING MASTER: Get out, you dog of a philosopher! + +MUSIC MASTER: Get out, you worthless pedant! + +DANCING MASTER: Get out, you ill-mannered cur! + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: What! Rascals that you are... (The philosopher +flings himself at them, and all three go out fighting). + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Monsieur Philosopher! + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Rogues! Scoundrels! Insolent dogs! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Monsieur Philosopher! + +FENCING MASTER: A pox on the beast! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Gentlemen! + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Impudent rogues! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Monsieur Philosopher! + +DANCING MASTER: The devil take the jackass! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Gentlemen! + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Villains! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Monsieur Philosopher! + +MUSIC MASTER: To the devil with the impertinent fellow! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Gentlemen! + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Rascals! Beggars! Traitors! Impostors! (They +leave). + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Monsieur Philosopher, Gentlemen! Monsieur +Philosopher! Gentlemen! Monsieur Philosopher! Oh! Fight as much as +you like. I don't know what to do, and I'll not spoil my robe to +separate you. I would be a fool to go among them and receive some +damaging blow. + + + + +ACT TWO + +SCENE IV (Philosophy Master, Monsieur Jourdain) + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: (Straightening the collar that indicates he is a +Philosopher) Now to our lesson. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh! Sir, I am distressed by the blows they gave +you. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: It's nothing. A philosopher knows how to take +these things and I'll compose a satire against them, in the style +of Juvenal, which will fix them nicely. Let it be. What would you +like to learn? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Everything I can, for I have every desire in the +world to be educated, and I'm furious that my father and mother did +not make me study all the sciences when I was young. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: This is a reasonable sentiment. Nam sine +doctrina vita est quasi mortis imago. You understand that, and you +doubtless know Latin? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, but act as if I did not know it. Tell me +what it says. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: It says that without science life is almost an +image of death. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That Latin is right. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Don't you know some principles, some basics of +the sciences? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh yes! I can read and write. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Where would it please you for us to begin? Would +you like me to teach you logic? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What is this logic? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: It is that which teaches the three operations of +the mind. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What are these three operations of the mind? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The first, the second, and the third. The first +is to conceive well by means of the universals; the second is to +judge well by means of the categories; and the third is to draw +well a conclusion by means of figures. Barbara, Celarent, Darii, +Ferio, Baralipton, etc. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Those words are too ugly. This logic doesn't +suit me at all. Let's learn something else that's prettier. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Would you like to learn morality? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Morality? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Yes. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What does it say, this morality? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: It treats of happiness, teaches men to moderate +their passions, and... + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, let's leave that. I'm as choleric as all the +devils and there's no morality that sticks, I want to be as full of +anger as I want whenever I like. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Would you like to learn physics? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What's it about, this physics? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Physics explains the principles of natural +things and the properties of the material world; it discourses on +the nature of the elements, of metals, minerals, of stones, of +plants and animals, and teaches the causes of all the meteors, the +rainbow, the will o' the wisps, the comets, lightning, thunder, +thunderbolts, rain, snow, hail, winds, and whirlwinds. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There's too much commotion in it, too much +confusion. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Then what do you want me to teach you? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Teach me how to spell. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Very gladly. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Afterwards, you may teach me the almanack, to +know when there is a moon and when not. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: So be it. Following your thought and treating +this matter as a philosopher, it is necessary to begin according to +the order of things, by an exact knowledge of the nature of letters +and the different ways of pronouncing them all. And thereupon I +must tell you letters are divided into vowels, called vowels +because they express the voice; and into consonants because they +sound with the vowels and only mark the diverse articulations of +the voice. There are five vowels or voices: A, E, I, O, U. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I understand all that. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The vowel A is formed by opening the mouth +widely: A. Its vowels are to be given the sounds used in +vocalizing: Ah-aye-ee-o-ou. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: A, A. Yes. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The vowel E is formed by approaching the lower +jaw to the upper: A, E. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: A, E; A, E. By my faith, yes. Ah! How fine! +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: And the vowel I, by bringing the jaws still +nearer each other and stretching the two corners of the mouth +towards the ears: A, E, I. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: A, E, I. I. I. I. That's true. Long live +science! + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The vowel O is formed by opening the jaws and +drawing together the two corners of the lips, upper and lower: O. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: O, O. There's nothing truer. A, E, I, O,I, O.. +That's admirable! I, O, I, O. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The opening of the mouth happens to make a +little circle which represents an O. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: O, O, O. You are right! O. Ah! What a fine thing +it is to know something! + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The vowel U is formed by bringing the teeth +nearly together without completely joining them, and thrusting the +two lips outward, also bringing them nearly together without +completely joining them: U. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: U, U. There's nothing truer. U. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Your two lips thrust out as if you were making a +face, whence it results that if you want to make a face at someone +and mock him, you have only to say to him "U." + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: U, U. That's true. Ah! Why didn't I study sooner +in order to know all that! + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Tomorrow we shall look at the other letters, +which are the consonants. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Are there things as curious about them as about +these? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Without a doubt. The consonant D, for example, +is pronounced by clapping the tongue above the upper teeth: D. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: D, D, Yes. Ah! What fine things! Fine things! + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The F, by pressing the upper teeth against the +lower lip: F. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: F, F. That's the truth. Ah! My father and my +mother, how I wish you ill! + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: And the R, by carrying the tip of the tongue to +the top of the palate, so that being grazed by the air that comes +out with force, it yields to it and comes back always to the same +place, making a kind of trill: R. AR. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: R, R, AR. R, R, R, R, R, RA. That's true. Ah! +What a clever man you are! And how I have lost time! R, R, R, AR. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: I'll explain to you all these strange things to +their very depths. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Please do. But now, I must confide in you. I'm +in love with a lady of great quality, and I wish that you would +help me write something to her in a little note that I will let +fall at her feet. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Very well. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That will be gallant, yes? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Without doubt. Is it verse that you wish to +write her? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no. No verse. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Do you want only prose? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, I don't want either prose or verse. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: It must be one or the other. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Why? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Because, sir, there is no other way to express +oneself than with prose or verse. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There is nothing but prose or verse? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: No, sir, everything that is not prose is verse, +and everything that is not verse is prose. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: And when one speaks, what is that then? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Prose. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What! When I say, "Nicole, bring me my slippers, +and give me my nightcap," that's prose? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Yes, Sir. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: By my faith! For more than forty years I have +been speaking prose without knowing anything about it, and I am +much obliged to you for having taught me that. I would like then to +put into a note to her: "Beautiful marchioness, your lovely eyes +make me die of love," but I want that put in a gallant manner and +be nicely turned. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Put it that the fires of her eyes reduce your +heart to cinders; that you suffer night and day for her the +torments of a... + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no, no. I want none of that; I only want you +to say "Beautiful marchioness, your lovely eyes make me die of +love." + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The thing requires a little lengthening. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, I tell you, I want only those words in the +note, but turned stylishly, well arranged, as is necessary. Please +tell me, just to see, the diverse ways they could be put. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: One could put them first of all as you said +them: "Beautiful marchioness, your lovely eyes make me die of +love." Or else: "Of love to die make me, beautiful marchioness, +your beautiful eyes." Or else: "Your lovely eyes, of love make me, +beautiful marchioness, die." Or else: "Die, your lovely eyes, +beautiful marchioness, of love make me." Or else: "Me make your +lovely eyes die, beautiful marchioness, of love." + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: But, of all those ways, which is the best? + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The way you said it: "Beautiful marchioness, +your lovely eyes make me die of love." + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I never studied, and yet I made the whole thing +up at the first try. I thank you with all my heart, and I ask you +to come tomorrow early. + +PHILOSOPHY MASTER: I shall not fail to do so. (He leaves). + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What? Hasn't my suit come yet? + +THE LACKEY: No, Sir. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That cursed tailor makes me wait all day when I +have so much to do! I'm enraged. May the quartan fever shake that +tormentor of a tailor! To the devil with the tailor! May the plague +choke the tailor! If I had him here now, that detestable tailor, +that dog of a tailor, that traitor of a tailor, I... + + + + +ACT TWO + +SCENE V (Master Tailor, Apprentice Tailor carrying suit, Monsieur +Jourdain, Lackeys) + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! You're here! I was getting into a rage +against you. + +MASTER TAILOR: I could not come sooner, and I put twenty men to +work on your suit. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You sent me some silk hose so small that I had +all the difficulty in the world putting them on, and already there +are two broken stitches. + +MASTER TAILOR: They get bigger, too much so. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, if I always break the stitches. You also +had made for me a pair of shoes that pinch furiously. + +MASTER TAILOR: Not at all, sir. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: How, not at all! + +MASTER TAILOR: No, they don't pinch you at all. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I tell you, they pinch me. + +MASTER TAILOR: You imagine that. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I imagine it because I feel it. That's a good +reason for you! + +MASTER TAILOR: Wait, here is the finest court-suit, and the best +matched. It's a masterpiece to have invented a serious suit that is +not black. And I give six attempts to the best tailors to equal +it. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What's this? You've put the flowers upside +down. + +MASTER TAILOR: You didn't tell me you wanted them right side up. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Did I have to tell you that? + +MASTER TAILOR: Yes, surely. All the people of quality wear them +this way. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The people of quality wear the flowers upside +down? + +MASTER TAILOR: Yes, Sir. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh! It's alright then. + +MASTER TAILOR: If you like, I'll put them right side up. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no. + +MASTER TAILOR: You have only to say so. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, I tell you. You've made it very well. Do you +think the suit is going to look good on me? + +MASTER TAILOR: What a question! I defy a painter with his brush to +do anything that would fit you better. I have a worker in my place +who is the greatest genius in the world at mounting a rhinegrave, +and another who is the hero of the age at assembling a doublet. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The perruque and the plumes: are they correct? + +MASTER TAILOR: Everything's good. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Looking at the tailor's suit) Ah! Ah! Monsieur +Tailor, here's the material from the last suit you made for me. I +know it well. + +MASTER TAILOR: You see, the material seemed so fine that I wanted a +suit made of it for myself. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, but you should not have cut it out of +mine. + +MASTER TAILOR: Do you want to put on your suit? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, give it to me. + +MASTER TAILOR: Wait. That's not the way it's done. I have brought +men to dress you in a cadence; these kinds of suits are put on with +ceremony. Hey there! Come in, you! Put this suit on the gentleman +the way you do with people of quality. + +(Four APPRENTICE TAILORS enter, two of them pull off Monsieur +Jourdain's breeches made for his morning exercises, and two others +pull off his waistcoat; then they put on his new suit; Monsieur +Jourdain promenades among them and shows them his suit for their +approval. All this to the cadence of instrumental music.) + +APPRENTICE TAILOR: My dear gentleman, please to give the +apprentices a small tip. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What did you call me? + +APPRENTICE TAILOR: My dear gentleman. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: My dear gentleman! That's what it is to dress +like people of quality! Go all your life dressed like a bourgeois +and they'll never call you "My dear gentleman." Here, take this for +the "My dear gentleman." + +APPRENTICE TAILOR: My Lord, we are very much obliged to you. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: "My Lord!" Oh! Oh! "My Lord!" Wait, my friend. +"My Lord" deserves something, and it's not a little word, this "My +Lord." Take this. That's what "My Lord" gives you. + +APPRENTICE TAILOR: My Lord, we will drink to the health of Your +Grace. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: "Your Grace!" Oh! Oh! Oh! Wait, don't go. To me, +"Your Grace!" My faith, if he goes as far as "Highness," he will +have all my purse. Wait. That's for "My Grace." + +APPRENTICE TAILOR: My Lord, we thank you very humbly for your +liberality. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: He did well, I was going to give him +everything. (The four Apprentice Tailors celebrate with a dance, +which comprises the Second Interlude.) + + + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE I (Monsieur Jourdain and his two Lackeys) + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Follow me, I am going to show off my clothes a +little about town. And above all both of you take care to walk +close at my heels, so people can see that you are with me. + +LACKEYS: Yes, Sir. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Call Nicole for me, so I can give her some +orders. Don't bother, there she is. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE II (Nicole, Monsieur Jourdain, two Lackeys) + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Nicole! + +NICOLE: Yes, sir? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Listen. + +NICOLE: He, he, he, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What are you laughing about? + +NICOLE: He, he, he, he, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What does the hussy mean by this? + +NICOLE: He, he, he! Oh, how you are got up! He, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: How's that? + +NICOLE: Ah! Ah! Oh Lord! He, he, he, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What kind of little baggage is this? Are you +mocking me? + +NICOLE: Certainly not, sir, I should be very sorry to do so. He, +he, he, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'll give you a smack on the nose if you go on +laughing. + +NICOLE: Sir, I can't help it. He, he, he, he, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You are not going to stop? + +NICOLE: Sir, I beg pardon. But you are so funny that I couldn't +help laughing. He, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What insolence! + +NICOLE: You're so funny like that. He, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'll... + +NICOLE: Please excuse me. He, he, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Listen. If you go on laughing the least bit, I +swear I'll give you the biggest slap ever given. + +NICOLE: Alright, sir, it's done, I won't laugh any more. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Take good care not to. Presently you must clean... + +NICOLE: He, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You must clean... + +NICOLE: He, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You must, I say, clean the room and... + +NICOLE: He, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Again! NICOLE: (Falling down with laughter) +Then beat me sir, and let me have my laugh out, it will do me more +good. He, he, he, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'm furious. + +NICOLE: Have mercy, sir! I beg you to let me laugh. He, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: If I catch you... + +NICOLE: Sir! I shall burst... Oh! if I don't laugh. He, he, he! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: But did anyone ever see such a hussy as that, +who laughs in my face instead of receiving my, orders? + +NICOLE: What would you have me do, sir? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That you consider getting my house ready for the +company that's coming soon, you hussy. + +NICOLE: Ah, by my faith, I don't feel like laughing any more. All +your guests make such a disorder here that the word "company" is +enough to put me in a bad humor. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Why, should I shut my door to everyone for your +sake? + +NICOLE: You should at least shut it to some people. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE III (Madame Jourdain, Monsieur Jourdain, Nicole, Lackeys) + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Ah, ah! Here's a new story! What's this, what's +this, husband, this outfit you have on there? Don't you care what +people think of you when you are got up like that? And do you want +yourself laughed at everywhere? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: None but fools and dolts will laugh at me wife. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Truly, they haven't waited until now, your antics +have long given a laugh to everyone. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Who's everyone, if you please? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Everyone is everyone who is right and who is wiser +than you. For my part, I am scandalized at the life you lead. I no +longer recognize our house. One would say it's the beginning of +Carnival here, every day; and beginning early in the morning, so it +won't be forgotten, one hears nothing but the racket of fiddles and +singers which disturbs the whole neighborhood. + +NICOLE: Madame speaks well. I'll never be able to get my housework +done properly with that gang you have come here. They have feet +that hunt for mud in every part of town to bring it here; and poor +Franoise almost has her teeth on the floor, scrubbing the boards +that your fine masters come to dirty up every day. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What, our servant Nicole, you have quite a +tongue for a peasant. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Nicole is right, and she has more sense than you. +I'd like to know what you think you're going to do with a Dancing +Master, at your age? + +NICOLE: And with a hulking Fencing Master who comes stamping his +feet, shaking the whole house and tearing up all the floorboards in +our drawing-room. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be quiet, both servant and wife! + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Is it that you're learning to dance for the time +when you'll have no legs to dance on? + +NICOLE: Do you want to kill someone? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Quiet, I tell you! You are ignorant women, both +of you, and you don't know the advantages of all this. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: You should instead be thinking of marrying off +your daughter, who is of an age to be provided for. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'll think of marrying off my daughter when a +suitable match comes along, but I also want to learn about fine +things. + +NICOLE: I heard said, Madame, that today he took a Philosophy +Master to thicken the soup! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Very well. I have a wish to have wit and to +reason about things with decent people. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Don't you intend, one of these days, to go to +school and have yourself whipped at your age? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Why not? Would to God I were whipped this minute +in front of everyone, if I only knew what they learn at school! + +NICOLE: Yes, my faith! That would get you into better shape. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Without doubt. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: All this is very important to the management of +your house. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Assuredly. You both talk like beasts, and I'm +ashamed of your ignorance. For example, do you know what are you +speaking just now? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, I know that what I'm saying is well said and +that you ought to be considering living in another way. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'm not talking about that. I'm asking if you +know what the words are that you are saying here? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: They are words that are very sensible, and your +conduct is scarcely so. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'm not talking about that, I tell you. I'm +asking you: what is it that I'm speaking to you this minute, what +is it? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Nonsense. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no! That's not it. What is it we are both +saying, what language is it that we are speaking right now? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Well? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What is it called? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: It's called whatever you want. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It's prose, you ignorant creature. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Prose? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, prose. Everything is prose that is not +verse; and everything that's not verse is prose. There! This is +what it is to study! And you (to Nicole), do you know what you must +do to say U? + +NICOLE: What? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Say U, in order to see. + +NICOLE: Oh Well, U. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What do you do? + +NICOLE: I say U. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, but, when you say U, what do you do? + +NICOLE: I do what you tell me to. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh, how strange it is to have to deal with +morons! You thrust your lips out and bring your lower jaw to your +upper jaw: U, see? U. Do you see? I make a pout: U. + +NICOLE: Yes, that's beautiful. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: How admirable. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: But it's quite another thing, if you have seen +O, and D, D, and F, F. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What is all this rigmarole? + +NICOLE: What does all this do for us? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It enrages me when I see these ignorant women. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Go, go, you ought to send all those people packing +with their foolishness. + +NICOLE: And above all, that great gawk of a Fencing Master, who +ruins all my work with dust. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Well! This Fencing Master seems to get under +your skin. I'll soon show you how impertinent you are.(He has the +foils brought and gives one to Nicole). There. Demonstration: The +line of the body. When your opponent thrusts in quarte, you need +only do this, and when they thrust in tierce, you need only do +this. That is the way never to be killed, and isn't it fine to be +assured of what one does, when fighting against someone? There, +thrust at me a little, to see. + +NICOLE: Well then, what? (Nicole thrusts, giving him several +hits). + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Easy! Wait! Oh! Gently! Devil take the hussy! + +NICOLE: You told me to thrust. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, but you thrust in tierce, before you thrust +in quarte, and you didn't have the patience to let me parry. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: You are a fool, husband, with all your fantasies, +and this has come to you since you took a notion to associate with +the nobility. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: When I associate with the nobility, I show my +good judgment; and that's better than associating with your +shopkeepers. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Oh yes, truly! There's a great deal to gain by +consorting with your nobles, and you did so well with your fine +Count you were so taken with! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Peace! Think what you're saying. You know very +well, wife, that you don't know who you're talking about, when you +talk about him! He's a more important person than you think: a +great Lord, respected at court, and who talks to the King just as I +talk to you. Is it not a thing which does me great honor, that a +person of this quality is seen to come so often to my house, who +calls me his dear friend and treats me as if I were his equal? He +has more regard for me than one would ever imagine; and, in front +of everyone, he shows me so much affection that I am embarrassed +myself. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, he has a kindness for you, and shows his +affection, but he borrows your money. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: So! Isn't it an honor for me to lend money to a +man of that condition? And can I do less for a lord who calls me +his dear friend? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: And this lord, what does he do for you? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Things that would astonish you if you knew +them. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Like what? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Blast! I cannot explain myself. It must suffice +that if I have lent him money, he'll pay it back fully, and before +long. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes. You are waiting for that. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Assuredly. Didn't he tell me so? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, yes, he won't fail to do it. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: He swore it on the faith of a gentleman. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Nonsense! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Well! You are very obstinate, wife. I tell you +he will keep his word, I'm sure of it. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: And I'm sure he will not, and that all his show of +affection is only to flatter you. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be still. Here he is. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: That's all we needed! He's come again perhaps to +borrow something from you. The very sight of him spoils my +appetite. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be still, I tell you. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE IV (Count Dorante, Monsieur Jourdain, Madame Jourdain, +Nicole) + +DORANTE: My dear friend, Monsieur Jourdain, how do you do? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Very well, sir, to render you my small +services. + +DORANTE: And Madame Jourdain there, how is she? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Madame Jourdain is as well as she can be. + +DORANTE: Well! Monsieur Jourdain, you are excellently well +dressed! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You see. + +DORANTE: You have a fine air in that suit, and we have no young men +at court who are better made than you. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Well! well! + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) He scratches him where it itches. + +DORANTE: Turn around. It's positively elegant. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) Yes, as big a fool behind as in front. + +DORANTE: My faith, Monsieur Jourdain, I was strangely impatient to +see you. You are the man in the world I esteem most, and I was +speaking of you again this morning in the bedchamber of the King. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You do me great honor, sir. (To Madame Jourdain) +In the King's bedchamber! + +DORANTE: Come, put on... + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Sir, I know the respect I owe you. + +DORANTE: Heavens! Put on your hat; I pray you, no ceremony between +us. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Sir... + +DORANTE: Put it on, I tell you, Monsieur Jourdain: you are my +friend. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Sir, I am your humble servant. + +DORANTE: I won't be covered if you won't. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Putting on his hat) I would rather be uncivil +than troublesome. + +DORANTE: I am in your debt, as you know. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, we know it all too well. + +DORANTE: You have generously lent me money upon several occasions, +and you have obliged me with the best grace in the world, +assuredly. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Sir, you jest with me. + +DORANTE: But I know how to repay what is lent me, and to +acknowledge the favors rendered me. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I have no doubt of it, sir. + +DORANTE: I want to settle this matter with you, and I came here to +make up our accounts together. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There wife! You see your impertinence! + +DORANTE: I am a man who likes to repay debts as soon as I can. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Aside to Madame Jourdain) I told you so. + +DORANTE: Let's see how much do I owe you. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Aside to Madame Jourdain) There you are, with +your ridiculous suspicions. + +DORANTE: Do you remember well all the money you have lent me? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I believe so. I made a little note of it. Here +it is. Once you were given two hundred louis d'or. + +DORANTE: That's true. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Another time, six-score. + +DORANTE: Yes. MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: And another time, a hundred and +forty. + +DORANTE: You're right. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: These three items make four hundred and sixty +louis d'or, which comes to five thousand sixty livres. + +DORANTE: The account is quite right. Five thousand sixty livres. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: One thousand eight hundred thirty-two livres to +your plume-maker. + +DORANTE: Exactly. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Two thousand seven hundred eighty livres to your +tailor. + +DORANTE: It's true. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Four thousand three hundred seventy-nine livres +twelve sols eight deniers to your tradesman. + +DORANTE: Quite right. Twelve sols eight deniers. The account is +exact. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: And one thousand seven hundred forty-eight +livres seven sols four deniers to your saddler. + +DORANTE: All that is true. What does that come to? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Sum total, fifteen thousand eight hundred +livres. + +DORANTE: The sum total is exact: fifteen thousand eight hundred +livres. To which add two hundred pistoles that you are going to +give me, which will make exactly eighteen thousand francs, which I +shall pay you at the first opportunity. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) Well, didn't I predict it? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Peace! + +DORANTE: Will that inconvenience you, to give me the amount I say? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh, no! + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) That man is making a milk-cow out of you! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be quiet! + +DORANTE: If that inconveniences you, I will seek it somewhere +else. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: NO, Sir. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) He won't be content until he's ruined +you. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be quiet, I tell you. + +DORANTE: You have only to tell me if that embarrasses you. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Not at all, sir. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) He's a real wheedler! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Hush. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) He'll drain you to the last sou. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Will you be quiet? + +DORANTE: I have a number of people who would gladly lend it to me; +but since you are my best friend, I believed I might do you wrong +if I asked someone else for it. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It's too great an honor, sir, that you do me. +I'll go get it for you. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) What! You're going to give it to him +again? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What can I do? Do you want me to refuse a man of +this station, who spoke about me this morning in the King's +bedchamber? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) Go on, you're a true dupe. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE V (Dorante, Madame Jourdain, Nicole) + +DORANTE: You appear to be very melancholy. What is wrong, Madame +Jourdain? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I have a head bigger than my fist, even if it's +not swollen. + +DORANTE: Mademoiselle, your daughter, where is she that I don't see +her? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Mademoiselle my daughter is right where she is. + +DORANTE: How is she getting on? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: She "gets on" on her two legs. + +DORANTE: Wouldn't you like to come with her one of these days to +see the ballet and the comedy they are putting on at court? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes truly, we have a great desire to laugh, a very +great desire to laugh. + +DORANTE: I think, Madame Jourdain, that you must have had many +admirers in your youth, beautiful and good humored as you were. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: By Our Lady! Sir, is Madame Jourdain decrepit, and +does her head already shake with palsy? + +DORANTE: Ah! My faith, Madame Jourdain, I beg pardon. I did not +remember that you are young. I am often distracted. Pray excuse my +impertinence. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE VI (Monsieur Jourdain, Madame Jourdain, Dorante, Nicole) +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There are two hundred louis d'or. DORANTE: I +assure you, Monsieur Jourdain, that I am completely yours, and that +I am eager to render you a service at court. MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: +I'm much obliged to you. DORANTE: If Madame Jourdain desires to +see the royal entertainment, I will have the best places in the +ballroom given to her. MADAME JOURDAIN: Madame Jourdain kisses +your hands [but declines]. DORANTE: (Aside to Monsieur Jourdain) +Our beautiful marchioness, as I sent word to you, in my note, will +come here soon for the ballet and refreshments; I finally brought +her to consent to the entertainment you wish to give her. MONSIEUR +JOURDAIN: Let us move a little farther away, for a certain reason. +DORANTE: It has been eight days since I saw you, and I have sent +you no news regarding the diamond you put into my hands to present +to her on your behalf; but it's because I had the greatest +difficulty in conquering her scruples, and it's only today that she +resolved to accept it. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: How did she judge it? + +DORANTE: Marvelous. And I am greatly deceived if the beauty of that +diamond does not produce for you an admirable effect on her +spirit. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Would to Heaven! + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (To Nicole) Once he's with him he cannot leave +him. + +DORANTE: I made her value as she should the richness of that +present and the grandeur of your love. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: These are, sir, favors which overwhelm me; and I +am in the very greatest confusion at seeing a person of your +quality demean himself for me as you do. + +DORANTE: Are you joking? Among friends, does one stop at these +sorts of scruples? And wouldn't you do the same thing for me, if +the occasion offered? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh! Certainly, and with all my heart. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (To Nicole) His presence weighs me down! + +DORANTE: As for me, I never mind anything when it is necessary to +serve a friend; and when you confided in me about the ardent +passion you have formed for that delightful marchioness with whom I +have contacts, you saw that I volunteered immediately to assist +your love. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It's true, these are favors that confound me. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (To Nicole) Will he never go? + +NICOLE: They enjoy being together. + +DORANTE: You took the right tack to touch her heart. Women love +above all the expenses we go to for them; and your frequent +serenades, your continual bouquets, that superb fireworks for her +over the water, the diamond she has received from you, and the +entertainment you are preparing for her, all this speaks much +better in favor of your love than all the words you might have +spoken yourself. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There are no expenditures I would not make if by +that means I might find the road to her heart. A woman of quality +has ravishing charms for me and it's an honor I would purchase at +any price. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (To Nicole) What can they talk about so much? +Steal over and listen a little. + +DORANTE: Soon enough you will enjoy at your ease the pleasure of +seeing her, and your eyes will have a long time to satisfy +themselves. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: To be completely free, I have arranged for my +wife to go to dinner at her sister's, where she'll spend all the +after-dinner hours. + +DORANTE: You have done prudently, as your wife might have +embarrassed us. I have given the necessary orders to the cook for +you, and for the ballet. It is of my own invention; and, provided +the execution corresponds to the idea, I am sure it will be +found.... + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Sees that Nicole is listening, and gives her a +slap) Say! You're very impertinent! (To Dorante) Let's go, if you +please. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE VII (Madame Jourdain, Nicole) + +NICOLE: My faith, Madame, curiosity has cost me; but I believe +something's afoot, since they were talking of some event where they +did not want you to be. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Today's not the first time, Nicole, that I've had +suspicions about my husband. I'm the most mistaken woman in the +world, or there's some love-affair in the making. But let us see to +my daughter. You know the love Cleonte has for her. He's a man who +appeals to me, and I want to help his suit and give him Lucile, if +I can. + +NICOLE: Truly, Madame, I'm the most delighted creature in the world +to see that you feel this way, since, if the master appeals to you, +his valet appeals to me no less, and I could wish our marriage made +under the shadow of theirs. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Go speak to Cleonte about it for me, and tell him +to come to me soon so we can present his request to my husband for +my daughter in marriage. + +NICOLE: I hasten, Madame, with joy, for I could not receive a more +agreeable commission. (Alone) I shall, I think, make them very +happy. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE VIII (Cleonte, Covielle, Nicole) + +NICOLE: Ah! I'm glad to have found you. I'm an ambassadress of joy, +and I come... + +CLEONTE: Get out, traitor, and don't come to amuse me with your +treacherous words. + +NICOLE: Is this how you receive me... + +CLEONTE: Get out, I tell you, and go tell your faithless mistress +that she will never again in her life deceive the too trusting +Cleonte. + +NICOLE: What caprice is this? My dear Covielle, explain a little +what you are trying to say. + +COVIELLE: Your dear Covielle, little hussy? Go, quickly, out of my +sight, villainess, and leave me in peace. + +NICOLE: What! You come to me too... COVIELLE: Out of my sight, I +tell you, and never speak to me again. NICOLE: My word! What fly +has bitten those two? Let's go tell this pretty story to my +mistress. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE IX (Cleonte, Covielle) + +CLEONTE: What! Treat a lover in this way? And a lover who is the +most faithful and passionate of lovers? + +COVIELLE: It is a frightful thing that they have done to us both. + +CLEONTE: I show a woman all the ardor and tenderness that can be +imagined; I love nothing in the world but her, and I have nothing +but her in my thoughts; she is all I care for, all my desire, all +my joy; I talk of nothing but her, I think of nothing but her, I +have no dreams but of her, I breathe only because of her, my heart +lives wholly in her; and see how so much love is well repaid! I +have been two days without seeing her, which are for me two +frightful centuries; I meet her by chance; my heart, at that sight, +is completely transported, my joy shines on my face; I fly with +ecstasy towards her--and the faithless one averts her eyes and +hurries by as if she had never seen me in her life! + +COVIELLE: I say the same things as you. + +CLEONTE: Covielle, can one see anything to equal this perfidy of +the ungrateful Lucile? + +COVIELLE: And that, Monsieur, of the treacherous Nicole? + +CLEONTE: After so many ardent homages, sighs, and vows that I have +made to her charms! + +COVIELLE: After so many assiduous compliments, cares, and services +that I rendered her in the kitchen! + +CLEONTE: So many tears I have shed at her knees! + +COVIELLE: So many buckets of water I have drawn for her! + +CLEONTE: So much passion I have shown her in loving her more than +myself! + +COVIELLE: So much heat I have endured in turning the spit for her! + +CLEONTE: She flies from me in disdain! + +COVIELLE: She turns her back on me! + +CLEONTE: It is perfidy worthy of the greatest punishments. + +COVIELLE: It is treachery that merits a thousand slaps. + +CLEONTE: Don't think, I beg you, of ever speaking in her favor to +me. + +COVIELLE: I, sir? God forbid! + +CLEONTE: Never come to excuse the action of this faithless woman. + +COVIELLE: Have no fear. + +CLEONTE; No, you see, all your speeches in her defense will serve +no purpose. + +COVIELLE: Who even thinks of that? + +CLEONTE: I want to conserve my resentment against her and end all +contact with her. + +COVIELLE: I agree. + +CLEONTE: This Count who goes to her house is perhaps pleasant in +her view; and her mind, I well see, allows itself to be dazzled by +social standing. But it is necessary for me, for my honor, to +prevent the scandal of her inconstancy. I want to break off with +her first and not leave her all the glory of dumping me. COVIELLE: +That's very well said, and I agree, for my part, with all your +feelings. + +CLEONTE: Strengthen my resentment and aid my resolve against all +the remains of love that could speak in her behalf. Tell me, I +order you, all the bad you can of her; make for me a painting of +her that will render her despicable; and show well, in order to +disgust me, all the faults that you can see in her. + +COVIELLE: Her, sir? There's a pretty fool, a well made flirt for +you to give so much love! I see only mediocrity in her, and you +will find a hundred women who will be more worthy of you. First of +all, she has small eyes. + +CLEONTE: That's true, she has small eyes; but they are full of +fire, the brightest, the keenest in the world, the most touching +eyes that one can see. + +COVIELLE: She has a big mouth. + +CLEONTE: Yes; but upon it one sees grace that one never sees on +other mouths; and the sight of that mouth, which is the most +attractive, the most amorous in the world, inspires desire. + +COVIELLE: As for her figure, she's not tall. + +CLEONTE: No, but she is graceful and well made. + +COVIELLE: She affects a nonchalance in her speech and in her +actions. + +CLEONTE: That's true; but she may be forgiven all that, for her +manners are so engaging, they have an irresistible charm. + +COVIELLE: As to her wit... + +CLEONTE: Ah! She has that, Covielle, the finest, the most +delicate! + +COVIELLE: Her conversation... + +CLEONTE: Her conversation is charming. + +COVIELLE: She is always serious... + +CLEONTE; Would you have grinning playfulness, constant open +merriment? And do you see anything more impertinent than those +women who laugh all the time? + +COVIELLE: But finally she is as capricious as any woman in the +world. + +CLEONTE: Yes, she is capricious, I concede; but everything becomes +beautiful ladies well, one suffers everything for beauty. + +COVIELLE: I see clearly how it goes, you want to go on loving her. + +CLEONTE: Me, I'd like better to die; and I am going to hate her as +much as I loved her. + +COVIELLE: How, if you find her so perfect? + +CLEONTE: That's how my vengeance will be more striking, in that way +I'll show better the strength of my heart, by hating her, by +quitting her, with all her beauty, all her charms, and as lovable +as I find her. Here she is. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE X (Cleonte, Lucile, Covielle, Nicole) + +NICOLE: For my part, I was completely shocked at it. + + +LUCILE: It can only be, Nicole, what I told you. But there he is. + +CLEONTE: I don't even want to speak to her. + +COVIELLE: I'll imitate you. + +LUCILE: What's the matter Cleonte? What's wrong with you? + +NICOLE: What's the matter with you, Covielle? + +LUCILE: What grief possesses you? + +NICOLE: What bad humor holds you? + +LUCILE: Are you mute, Cleonte? + +NICOLE: Have you lost your voice, Covielle? + +CLEONTE: Is this not villainous! + +COVIELLE: It's a Judas! + +LUCILE: I clearly see that our recent meeting has troubled you. + +CLEONTE: Ah! Ah! She sees what she's done. + +NICOLE: Our greeting this morning has annoyed you. COVIELLE: She +has guessed the problem. + +LUCILE: Isn't it true, Cleonte, that this is the cause of your +resentment? + +CLEONTE: Yes, perfidious one, it is, since I must speak; and I must +tell that you shall not triumph in your faithlessness as you think, +I want to be the first to break with you, and you won't have the +advantage of driving me away. I will have difficulty in conquering +the love I have for you; it will cause me pain; I will suffer for a +while. But I'll come through it, and I would rather stab myself +through the heart than have the weakness to return to you. + +COVIELLE: Me too. + +LUCILE: What an uproar over nothing. I want to tell you, Cleonte, +what made me avoid joining you this morning. + +CLEONTE: No, I don't want to listen to anything... + +NICOLE: I want to tell you what made us pass so quickly. + +COVIELLE: I don't want to hear anything. + +LUCILE: (Following Cleonte) Know that this morning... + +CLEONTE: No, I tell you. + +NICOLE: (Following Covielle) Learn that... + +COVIELLE: No, traitor. + +LUCILE: Listen. + +CLEONTE: I won't listen. + +NICOLE: Let me speak. + +COVIELLE: I'm deaf. + +LUCILE: Cleonte! CLEONTE: No. + +NICOLE: Covielle! + +COVIELLE: I won't listen. + +LUCILE: Stop. + +CLEONTE: Gibberish! + +NICOLE: Listen to me. + +COVIELLE: Rubbish! + +LUCILE: One moment. + +CLEONTE: Never. + +NICOLE: A little patience. + +COVIELLE: Not interested! + +LUCILE: Two words. + +CLEONTE: No, you've had them. + +NICOLE: One word. + +COVIELLE: No more talking. + +LUCILE: Alright! Since you don't want to listen to me, think what +you like, and do what you want. + +NICOLE: Since you act like that, make whatever you like of it all. + +CLEONTE: Let us know the reason, then, for such a fine reception. + +LUCILE: It no longer pleases me to say. + +COVIELLE: Let us know something of your story. + +NICOLE: I, myself, no longer want to tell you. + +CLEONTE: Tell me... + +LUCILE: No, I don't want to say anything. + +COVIELLE: Tell it... + +NICOLE: No, I'll tell nothing. + +CLEONTE: For pity... + +LUCILE: No, I say. + +COVIELLE: Have mercy. + +NICOLE: It's no use. + +CLEONTE: I beg you. + +LUCILE: Leave me... + +COVIELLE: I plead with you. + +NICOLE: Get out of here. + +CLEONTE: Lucile! + +LUCILE: No. + +COVIELLE: Nicole! + +NICOLE: Never. + +CLEONTE: In the name of God!... + +LUCILE: I don't want to. + +COVIELLE: Talk to me. + +NICOLE: Definitely not. + +CLEONTE: Clear up my doubts. + +LUCILE: No, I'll do nothing. + +COVIELLE: Relieve my mind! + +NICOLE: No, I don't care to. + +CLEONTE: Alright! since you are so little concerned to take me out +of my pain and to justify yourself for the shameful treatment you +gave to my passion, you are seeing me, ingrate, for the last time, +and I am going far from you to die of sorrow and love. + +COVIELLE: And I--I will follow in his steps. + +LUCILE: Cleonte! + +NICOLE: Covielle! + +CLEONTE: What? + +COVIELLE: Yes? + +LUCILE: Where are you going? + +CLEONTE: Where I told you. + +COVIELLE: We are going to die. + +LUCILE: You are going to die, Cleonte? + +CLEONTE: Yes, cruel one, since you wish it. + +LUCILE: Me! I wish you to die? + +CLEONTE: Yes, you wish it. + +LUCILE: Who told you that? + +CLEONTE: Is it not wishing it when you don't wish to clear up my +suspicions? + +LUCILE: Is it my fault? And, if you had wished to listen to me, +would I not have told you that the incident you complain of was +caused this morning by the presence of an old aunt who insists that +the mere approach of a man dishonors a woman--an aunt who +constantly delivers sermons to us on this text, and tells us that +all men are like devils we must flee? + +NICOLE: There's the key to the entire affair. + +CLEONTE: Are you sure you're not deceiving me, Lucile? + +COVIELLE: Aren't you making this up? + +LUCILE: There's nothing more true. + +NICOLE: It's the absolute truth. + +COVIELLE: Are we going to give in to this? + +CLEONTE: Ah! Lucile, how with a word from your lips you are able to +appease the things in my heart, and how easily one allows himself +to be persuaded by the people one loves! + +COVIELLE: How easily we are manipulated by these blasted minxes! + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE XI (Madame Jourdain, Cleonte, Lucile, Covielle, Nicole) + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I am very glad to see you, Cleonte and you are +here at just the right time. My husband is coming, seize the +opportunity to ask for Lucile in marriage. + +CLEONTE: Ah! Madame, how sweet that word is to me, and how it +flatters my desires! Could I receive an order more charming, a +favor more precious? + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE XII (Monsieur Jourdain, Madame Jourdain, Cleonte, Lucile, +Covielle, Nicole) + +CLEONTE: Sir, I did not want to use anyone to make a request of you +that I have long considered. It affects me enough for me to take +charge of it myself; and, without further ado, I will say to you +that the honor of being your son-in-law is a glorious favor that I +beg you to grant me. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Before giving you a reply, sir, I beg to ask if +you are a gentleman. + +CLEONTE: Sir, most people don't hesitate much over this question. +They use the word carelessly. They take the name without scruple, +and the usage of today seems to validate the theft. As for me, I +confess to you, I have a little more delicate feelings on this +matter. I find all imposture undignified for an honest man, and +that there is cowardice in disguising what Heaven made us at birth; +to present ourselves to the eyes of the world with a stolen title; +to wish to give a false impression. I was born of parents who, +without doubt, held honorable positions. I have six years of +service in the army, and I find myself established well enough to +maintain a tolerable rank in the world; but despite all that I +certainly have no wish to give myself a name to which others in my +place might believe they could pretend, and I will tell you frankly +that I am not a gentleman. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Shake hands, Sir! My daughter is not for you. + +CLEONTE: What? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You are not a gentleman. You will not have my +daughter. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What are you trying to say with your talk of +gentleman? Are we ourselves of the line of St. Louis? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Quiet, wife, I see what you are up to. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Aren't we both descended from good bourgeois +families? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There's that hateful word! + +MADAME JOURDAIN: And wasn't your father a merchant just like mine? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Plague take the woman! She never fails to do +this! If your father was a merchant, so much the worse for him! +But, as for mine, those who say that are misinformed. All that I +have to say to you is, that I want a gentleman for a son-in-law. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: It's necessary for your daughter to have a husband +who is worthy of her, and it's better for her to have an honest +rich man who is well made than an impoverished gentleman who is +badly built. + +NICOLE: That's true. We have the son of a gentleman in our village +who is the most ill formed and the greatest fool I have ever seen. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Hold your impertinent tongue! You always butt +into the conversation. I have enough money for my daughter, I need +only honor, and I want to make her a marchioness. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: A marchioness? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, marchioness. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Alas! God save me from it! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It's a thing I have resolved. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: As for me, it's a thing I'll never consent to. +Marriages above one's station are always subject to great +inconveniences. I have absolutely no wish for a son-in-law who can +reproach her parents to my daughter, and I don't want her to have +children who will be ashamed to call me their grandmother. If she +arrives to visit me in the equipage of a great lady and if she +fails, by mischance, to greet someone of the neighborhood, they +wouldn't fail immediately to say a hundred stupidities. "Do you +see," they would say, "this madam marchioness who gives herself +such glorious airs? It's the daughter of Monsieur Jourdain, who was +all too glad, when she was little, to play house with us; she's not +always been so haughty as she now is; and her two grandfathers sold +cloth near St. Innocent's Gate. They amassed wealth for their +children, they're paying dearly perhaps for it now in the other +world, and one can scarcely get that rich by being honest." I +certainly don't want all that gossip, and I want, in a word, a man +who will be obliged to me for my daughter and to whom I can say, +"Sit down there, my son-in-law, and have dinner with me." + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Surely those are the sentiments of a little +spirit, to want to remain always in a base condition. Don't talk +back to me: my daughter will be a marchioness in spite of +everyone. And, if you make me angrier, I'll make a duchess of +her. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Cleonte, don't lose courage yet. Follow me, my +daughter, and tell your father resolutely that, if you can't have +him, you don't want to marry anyone. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE XIII (Cleonte, Covielle) + +COVIELLE: You've made a fine business, with your pretty +sentiments. + +CLEONTE: What do you want? I have a scruple about that which +precedent cannot conquer. + +COVIELLE: Don't you make a fool of yourself by taking it seriously +with a man like that? Don't you see that he is a fool? And would it +cost you anything to accommodate yourself to his fantasies? + +CLEONTE: You're right. But I didn't believe it necessary to prove +nobility in order to be Monsieur Jourdain's son-in-law. + +COVIELLE: Ha, ha, ha! + +CLEONTE: What are you laughing at? + +COVIELLE: At a thought that just occurred to me of how to play our +man a trick and help you obtain what you desire. + +CLEONTE: How? + +COVIELLE: The idea is really funny. + +CLEONTE: What is it? + +COVIELLE: A short time ago there was a certain masquerade which +fits here better than anything, and that I intend to make part of a +prank I want to play on our fool. It all seems a little phony; but, +with him, one can try anything, there is hardly any reason to be +subtle, and he is the man to play his role marvelously and to +swallow easily any fabrication we want to tell him. I have the +actors, I have the costumes ready, just leave it to me. + +CLEONTE: But tell me... + +COVIELLE: I am going to instruct you in everything. Let's go, there +he is, returning. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE XIV (Monsieur Jourdain, Lackey) MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What the +devil is this? They have nothing other than the great lords to +reproach me with, and as for me, I see nothing so fine as to +associate with the great lords; there is only honor and civility +among them, and I would have given two fingers of a hand to have +been born a count or a marquis. LACKEY: Sir, here's the Count, and +he has a lady with him. MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What! My Goodness, I +have some orders to give. Tell them I'll be back here soon. + +SCENE XV (Dorimene, Dorante, Lackey) + +LACKEY: Monsieur says that he'll be here very soon. + +DORANTE: That's fine. + +DORIMENE: I don't know, Dorante; I feel strange allowing you to +bring me to this house where I know no one. + +DORANTE: Then where would you like, Madame, for me to express my +love with an entertainment, since you will allow neither your house +nor mine for fear of scandal? + +DORIMENE: But you don't mention that every day I am gradually +preparing myself to receive too great proofs of your passion? As +good a defense as I have put up, you wear down my resistance, and +you have a polite persistence which makes me come gently to +whatever you like. The frequent visits began, declarations +followed, after them came serenades and amusements in their train, +and presents followed them. I withstood all that, but you don't +give up at all and step by step you are overcoming my resolve. As +for me, I can no longer answer for anything, and I believe that in +the end you will bring me to marriage, which I have so far +avoided. + +DORANTE: My faith! Madame, you should already have come to it. You +are a widow, and you answer only to yourself. I am my own master +and I love you more than my life. Why shouldn't you be all my +happiness from today onward? + +DORIMENE: Goodness! Dorante, for two people to live happily +together both of them need particular qualities; and two of the +most reasonable persons in the world often have trouble making a +union satisfactory to them both. + +DORANTE: You're fooling yourself, Madame, to imagine so many +difficulties, and the experience you had with one marriage doesn't +determine anything for others. + +DORIMENE: Finally I always come back to this. The expenses that I +see you go to for me disturb me for two reasons: one is that they +get me more involved than I would like; and the other is that I am +sure--meaning no offense--that you cannot do this without +financially inconveniencing yourself, and I certainly don't want +that. + +DORANTE: Ah! Madame, they are trifles, and it isn't by that... + +DORIMENE: I know what I'm talking about; and among other gifts, the +diamond you forced me to take is worth... + +DORANTE: Oh! Madame, mercy, don't put any value on a thing that my +love finds unworthy of you, and allow... Here's the master of the +house. + + +ACT THREE + +SCENE XVI (Monsieur Jourdain, Dorimene, Dorante, Lackey) + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (After having made two bows, finding himself too +near Dorimene) A little farther, Madame. + +DORIMENE: What? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: One step, if you please. + +DORIMENE: What is it? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Step back a little for the third. + +DORANTE: Madame, Monsieur Jourdain is very knowledgeable. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Madame, it is a very great honor to me to be +fortunate enough to be so happy as to have the joy that you should +have had the goodness to accord me the graciousness of doing me the +honor of honoring me with the favor of your presence; and, if I +also had the merit to merit a merit such as yours, and if +Heaven... envious of my luck... should have accorded me... the +advantage of seeing me worthy... of the... + +DORANTE: Monsieur Jourdain, that is enough. Madame doesn't like +grand compliments, and she knows that you are a man of wit. (Aside +to Dorimene) As you can see, this good bourgeois is ridiculous +enough in all his manners. + +DORIMENE: It isn't difficult to see it. + +DORANTE: Madame, he is the best of my friends. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You do me too much honor. + +DORANTE: A completely gallant man. + +DORIMENE: I have great esteem for him. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I have done nothing yet, Madame, to merit this +favor. + +DORANTE: (Aside to Monsieur Jourdain) Take care, nonetheless, to +say absolutely nothing to her about the diamond that you gave her. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Can't I even ask her how she likes it? + +DORANTE: What? Take care that you don't. That would be loutish of +you; and, to act as a gallant man, you must act as though it were +not you who made her this present. (Aloud) Monsieur Jourdain, +Madame, says he is delighted to see you in his home. + +DORIMENE: He honors me greatly. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: How obliged I am to you, sir, for speaking thus +to her for me! + +DORANTE: I have had frightful trouble getting her to come here. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I don't know how to thank you enough. + +DORANTE: He says, Madame, that he finds you the most beautiful +woman in the world. + +DORIMENE: He does me a great favor. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Madame, it is you who does the favors, and... + +DORANTE: Let's consider eating. + +LACKEY: Everything is ready, sir. + +DORANTE: Come then let us sit at the table. And bring on the +musicians. + +(Six cooks, who have prepared the feast, dance together and make +the third interlude; after which, they carry in a table covered +with many dishes.) + + + + +ACT FOUR + +SCENE I (Dorimene, Monsieur Jourdain, Dorante, two Male Musicians, +a Female Musician, Lackeys) + +DORIMENE: Why, Dorante, that is really a magnificent repast! + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You jest, Madame; I wish it were worthy of being +offered to you. (All sit at the table). + +DORANTE: Monsieur Jourdain is right, Madame, to speak so, and he +obliges me by making you so welcome. I agree with him that the +repast is not worthy of you. Since it was I who ordered it, and +since I do not have the accomplishments of our friends in this +matter, you do not have here a very sophisticated meal, and you +will find some incongruities in the combinations and some +barbarities of taste. If Damis, our friend, had been involved, +everything would have been according to the rules; everything would +have been elegant and appropriate, and he would not have failed to +impress upon you the significance of all the dishes of the repast, +and to make you see his expertise when it comes to good food; he +would have told you about hearth-baked bread, with its golden brown +crust, crunching tenderly between the teeth; of a smooth, +full-bodied wine, fortified with a piquancy not too strong, of a +loin of mutton improved with parsley, of a cut of specially-raised +veal as long as this, white and delicate, and which is like an +almond paste between the teeth, of partridges complimented by a +surprisingly flavorful sauce, and, for his masterpiece, a soup +accompanied by a fat young turkey surrounded by pigeons and crowned +with white onions mixed with chicory. But, as for me, I declare my +ignorance; and, as Monsieur Jourdain has said so well, I only wish +that the repast were more worthy of being offered to you. + +DORIMENE: I reply to this compliment only by eating. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! What beautiful hands! + +DORIMENE: The hands are mediocre, Monsieur Jourdain; but you wish +to speak of the diamond, which is very beautiful. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Me, Madame? God forbid that I should wish to +speak of it; that would not be acting gallantly, and the diamond is +a very small thing. + +DORIMENE: You are very particular. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You are too kind... + +DORANTE: Let's have some wine for Monsieur Jourdain and for these +gentlemen and ladies who are going to favor us with a drinking +song. + +DORIMENE: It is marvelous to season good food, by mixing it with +music, and I see I am being admirably entertained. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Madame, it isn't.. + +DORANTE: Monsieur Jourdain, let us remain silent for these +gentlemen and ladies; what they have for us to hear is of more +value than anything we could say. (The male singers and the woman +singer take the glasses, sing two drinking songs, and are +accompanied by all the instrumental ensemble.) + + +FIRST DRINKING SONG Drink a little, Phyllis, to start the glass +round. Ah! A glass in your hands is charmingly agreeable! You and +the wine arm each other, And I redouble my love for you both Let us +three--wine, you, and me--Swear, my beauty, to an eternal +passion. Your lips are made yet more attractive by wetting with +wine! Ah! The one and the other inspire me with desire And both +you and it intoxicate me Let us three--wine, you, and me-- +Swear, my beauty, to an eternal passion. + +SECOND DRINKING SONG Let us drink, dear friends, let us drink; Time +that flies beckons us to it! Let us profit from life as much as we +can. Once we pass under the black shadow, Goodbye to wine, our +loves; Let us drink while we can, One cannot drink forever. Let +fools speculate On the true happiness of life. Our philosophy Puts +it among the wine-pots. Possessions, knowledge and glory Hardly +make us forget troubling cares, And it is only with good drink That +one can be happy. Come on then, wine for all, pour, boys, pour, +Pour, keep on pouring, until they say, "Enough." + +DORIMENE: I don't believe it's possible to sing better, and that is +positively beautiful. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I see something here, Madame, yet more +beautiful. + +DORIMENE: Aha! Monsieur Jourdain is more gallant than I thought. + +DORANTE: What! Madame, what did you take Monsieur Jourdain for? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I would like for her to take me at my word. + +DORIMENE: Again! + +DORANTE: You don't know him. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: She may know me whenever it pleases her. + +DORIMENE: Oh! I am overwhelmed. + +DORANTE: He is a man who is always ready with a repartee. But don't +you see that Monsieur Jourdain, Madame, eats all the pieces of food +you have touched? + +DORIMENE: I am captivated by Monsieur Jourdain... + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: If I could captivate your heart, I would be... + + +ACT FOUR + +SCENE II (Madame Jourdain, Monsieur Jourdain, Dorimene, Dorante, +Musicians, Lackeys) + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Aha! I find good company here, and I see that I +was not expected. Was it for this pretty affair, Monsieur Husband, +that you were so eager to send me to dinner at my sister's? I just +saw stage decorations downstairs, and here I see a banquet fit for +a wedding. That is how you spend your money, and this is how you +entertain the ladies in my absence, and you give them music and +entertainment while sending me on my way. + +DORANTE: What are you saying, Madame Jourdain? And what fantasies +are you getting into your head that your husband spends his money, +and that it is he who is giving this entertainment to Madame? +Please know that it is I; that he only lends me his house, and that +you ought to think more about the things you say. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, what impertinence. It is the Count who +presents all this to Madame, who is a person of quality. He does me +the honor of using my house and of wishing me to be with him. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: All that's nonsense. I know what I know. + +DORANTE: Come Madame Jourdain, put on better glasses. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I don't need glasses, sir, I see well enough; I +have had suspicions for a long time, and I'm not a fool. This is +very low of you, of a great lord, to lend a hand as you do to the +follies of my husband. And you, Madame, for a great lady, it is +neither fine nor honest of you to cause dissension in a household +and to allow my husband to be in love with you. + +DORIMENE: What is she trying to say with all this? Goodness +Dorante! You have outdone yourself by exposing me to the absurd +fantasies of this ridiculous woman. + +DORANTE: Madame, wait! Madame, where are you going? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Madame! Monsieur Count, make excuses to her and +try to bring her back. Ah! You impertinent creature, this is a fine +way to act! You come and insult me in front of everybody, and you +drive from me people of quality. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I laugh at their quality. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I don't know who holds me back, evil creature, +from breaking your head with the remains of the repast you came to +disrupt. (The table is removed). + +MADAME JOURDAIN: (Leaving) I'm not concerned. These are my rights +that I defend, and I'll have all wives on my side. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You do well to avoid my rage. She arrived very +inopportunely. I was in the mood to say pretty things, and I had +never felt so witty. What's that? + + +ACT FOUR + +SCENE III (Covielle, disguised; Monsieur Jourdain, Lackey) + +COVIELLE: Sir, I don't know if I have the honor to be known to +you? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, sir. + +COVIELLE: I saw you when you were no taller than that. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Me? + +COVIELLE: Yes. You were the most beautiful child in the world, and +all the ladies took you in their arms to kiss you. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: To kiss me? + +COVIELLE: Yes, I was a great friend of your late father. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Of my late father? + +COVIELLE: Yes. He was a very honorable gentleman. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What did you say? + +COVIELLE: I said that he was a very honorable gentleman. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: My father? + +COVIELLE: Yes. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You knew him very well? + +COVIELLE: Assuredly. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: And you knew him as a gentleman? + +COVIELLE: Without doubt. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Then I don't know what is going on! + +COVIELLE: What? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There are some fools who want to tell me that he +was a tradesman. + +COVIELLE: Him, a tradesman! It's pure slander, he never was one. +All that he did was to be very obliging, very ready to help; and, +since he was a connoisseur in cloth, he went all over to choose +them, had them brought to his house, and gave them to his friends +for money. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'm delighted to know you, so you can testify to +the fact that my father was a gentleman. + +COVIELLE: I'll attest to it before all the world. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You'll oblige me. What business brings you +here? + +COVIELLE: Since knowing your late father, honorable gentleman, as I +told you, I have traveled through all the world. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Through all the world! + +COVIELLE: Yes. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I imagine it's a long way from here to there. + +COVIELLE: Assuredly. I returned from all my long voyages only four +days ago; and because of the interest I take in all that concerns +you, I come to announce to you the best news in the world. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What? + +COVIELLE: You know that the son of the Grand Turk is here? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Me? No. + +COVIELLE: What! He has a very magnificent retinue; everybody goes +to see it, and he has been received in this country as an important +lord. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: By my faith! I didn't know that. + +COVIELLE: The advantage to you in this is that he is in love with +your daughter. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The son of the Grand Turk? + +COVIELLE: Yes. And he wants to be your son-in-law. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: My son-in-law, the son of the Grand Turk? + +COVIELLE: The son of the Grand Turk your son-in-law. As I went to +see him, and as I perfectly understand his language, he conversed +with me; and, after some other discourse, he said to me, "Acciam +croc soler ouch alla moustaph gidelum amanahem varahini oussere +carbulath," that is to say, "Haven't you seen a beautiful young +person who is the daughter of Monsieur Jourdain, gentleman of +Paris?" + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The son of the Grand Turk said that of me? + +COVIELLE: Yes. Inasmuch as I told him in reply that I knew you +particularly well and that I had seen your daughter: "Ah!" he said +to me, "marababa sahem;" Which is to say, "Ah, how I am enamored of +her!" + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: "Marababa sahem" means "Ah, how I am enamored of +her"? + +COVIELLE: Yes. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: By my faith, you do well to tell me, since, as +for me, I would never have believed that "marababa sahem" could +have meant to say "Oh, how I am enamored of her!" What an admirable +language Turkish is! + +COVIELLE: More admirable than one can believe. Do you know what +Cacaracamouchen means? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Cacaracamouchen? No. + +COVIELLE: It means: It means, "My dear soul." + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Cacaracamouchen means "My dear soul?" + +COVIELLE: Yes. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That's marvelous! Cacaracamouchen, my dear +soul. Who would have thought? I'm dumbfounded. + +COVIELLE: Finally, to complete my assignment, he comes to ask for +your daughter in marriage; and in order to have a father-in-law who +should be worthy of him, he wants to make you a Mamamouchi, which +is a certain high rank in his country. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Mamamouchi?' + +COVIELLE: Yes, Mamamouchi; that is to say, in our language, a +Paladin. Paladin is one of those ancient... Well, Paladin! +There is none nobler than that in the world, and you will be equal +to the greatest lords of the earth. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The son of the Grand Turk honors me greatly. +Please take me to him in order to express my thanks. + +COVIELLE: What! He is going to come here. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: He's coming here? + +COVIELLE: Yes. And he is bringing everything for the ceremony of +bestowing your rank. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That seems very quick. + +COVIELLE: His love can suffer no delay. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: All that embarrasses me here is that my daughter +is a stubborn one who has gotten into her head a certain Cleonte, +and she swears she'll marry no one but him. + +COVIELLE: She'll change her mind when she sees the son of the Grand +Turk; and then there is a remarkable coincidence here, it is that +the son of the Grand Turk resembles this Cleonte very closely. I +just saw him, someone showed him to me; and the love she has for +the one can easily pass to the other, and... I hear him coming. +There he is. + + +ACT FOUR + +SCENE IV (Cleonte, as a Turk, with three Pages carrying his outer +clothes, Monsieur Jourdain, Covielle, disguised.) + +CLEONTE: Ambousahim oqui boraf, Iordina, salamalequi. + +COVIELLE: That is to say: "Monsieur Jourdain, may your heart be all +the year like a flowering rosebush." This is the way of speaking +politely in those countries. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I am the most humble servant of His Turkish +Highness. + +COVIELLE: Carigar camboto oustin moraf. + +CLEONTE: Oustin yoc catamalequi basum base alla moran. + +COVIELLE: He says: "Heaven gives you the strength of lions and the +wisdom of serpents." + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: His Turkish Highness honors me too much, and I +wish him all sorts of good fortune. + +COVIELLE: Ossa binamen sadoc babally oracaf ouram. + +CLEONTE: Bel-men. + +COVIELLE: He says that you should go with him quickly to prepare +yourself for the ceremony; then you can see your daughter and +conclude the marriage. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: So many things in two words? + +COVIELLE: Yes; the Turkish language is like that, it says much in +few words. Go quickly where he wants. + + +ACT FOUR + +SCENE V (Dorante, Covielle) + +COVIELLE: Ha, ha, ha! My faith, that was hilarious. What a dupe! If +he had learned his role by heart, he could not have played it +better. Ah! Ah! Excuse me, Sir, Wouldn't you like to help us here +in an affair that is taking place. + +DORANTE: Ah! Ah! Covielle, who would have recognized you? How you +are made up! + +COVIELLE: You see, ha, ha! + +DORANTE: What are you laughing at? + +COVIELLE: At a thing, Sir, that well deserves it. + +DORANTE: What? + +COVIELLE: I'll give you many chances, Sir, to guess the stratagem +we are using on Monsieur Jourdain to get him to give his daughter +to my master. + +DORANTE: I can't begin to guess the stratagem, but I guess it will +not fail in its effect, since you are undertaking it. + +COVIELLE: I see, Sir, that you know me too well. + +DORANTE: Tell me what it is. + +COVIELLE: Come over here a little to make room for what I see +coming. You can see part of the story, while I tell you the rest. + +(The Turkish ceremony for ennobling Monsieur Jourdain is performed +in dance and music, and comprises the Fourth Interlude.) [The +ceremony is a burlesque full of comic gibberish in pseudo-Turkish +and nonsensical French, in which Monsieur Jourdain is made to +appear ludicrous and during which he is outfitted with an +extravagant costume, turban, and sword.] + + +ACT FIVE + +SCENE I (Madame Jourdaine, Monsieur Jourdain) + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Ah, My God! Mercy! What is all of this? What a +spectacle! Are you dressed for a masquerade, and is this a time to +go masked? Speak then, what is this? Who has bundled you up like +that? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: See the impertinent woman, to speak in this way +to a Mamamouchi! + +MADAME JOURDAIN: How's that? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, you must show me respect now, as I've just +been made a Mamamouchi. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What are you trying to say with your Mamamouchi? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Mamamouchi, I tell you. I'm a Mamamouchi. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What animal is that? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Mamamouchi, that is to say, in our language, +Paladin. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Baladin! Are you of an age to dance in ballets? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What an ignorant woman! I said Paladin. It's a +dignity which has just been bestowed upon me in a ceremony. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What ceremony then? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Mahometa-per-Jordina. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What does that mean? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Jordina, that is to say, Jourdain. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Very well, what of Jourdain? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Voler far un Paladina de Jordina. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Dar turbanta con galera. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Which is to say what? MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Per +deffender Palestina. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What are you trying to say? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Dara, dara, bastonnara. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What jargon is this? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Non tener honta, questa star l'ultima affronta. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What in the world is all that? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Dancing and singing). Hou la ba, Ba la chou, ba +la ba, ba la da. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Alas! Oh Lord, my husband has gone mad. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Leaving) Peace, insolent woman! Show respect to +the Monsieur Mamamouchi. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Has he lost his mind? I must hurry to stop him +from going out. Ah! Ah! This is the last straw! I see nothing but +shame on all sides. (She leaves.) + + +Act FIVE + +SCENE II (Dorante, Dorimene) + +DORANTE: Yes, Madame, you are going to see the most amusing thing +imaginable. I don't believe it would be possible to find in all the +world another man as crazy as that one is. And then too, Madame, we +must try to help Cleonte's plan by supporting his masquerade. He's +a very gallant man and deserves our help. + +DORIMENE: I think highly of him and he deserves happiness. + +DORANTE: Besides that, we have here, Madame, another ballet +performance that we shouldn't miss, and I want to see if my idea +will succeed. + +DORIMENE: I saw magnificent preparations, and I can no longer +permit this Dorante. Yes, I finally want to end your extravagances +and to stop all these expenses that I see you go to for me, I have +decided to marry you right away. This is the truth of it, that all +these sorts of things end with marriage, as you know. + +DORANTE: Ah! Madame, is it possible that you should have taken such +a sweet decision in my favor? + +DORIMENE: It is only to impede you from ruining yourself; without +that, I see very well that before long you would not have a penny. + +DORANTE: How obliged I am to you, Madame, for the care you have to +conserve my money! It is entirely yours, as well as my heart, and +you may use them in whatever fashion you please. + +DORIMENE: I'll make use of them both. But here is your man: his +costume is wonderful. + + +ACT FIVE + +SCENE III (Monsieur Jourdain, Dorante, Dorimene) + +DORANTE: Sir, we come to pay homage, Madame and I, to your new +dignity, and to rejoice with you at the marriage between your +daughter and the son of the Grand Turk. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (After bowing in the Turkish way) Sir, I wish +you the strength of serpents and the wisdom of lions. + +DORIMENE: I was very glad, Sir, to be among the first to come to +congratulate you upon rising to such a high degree of honor. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Madame, I wish your rosebush to flower all year +long; I am infinitely obliged to you for taking part in the honors +bestowed upon me; and I am very happy to see you returned here, so +I can make very humble excuses for the ridiculous behavior of my +wife. + +DORIMENE: That's nothing. I excuse her jumping to conclusions: +your heart must be precious to her, and it isn't strange that the +possession of such a man as you should inspire some jealousy. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The possession of my heart is a thing that has +been entirely gained by you. + +DORANTE: You see, Madame, that Monsieur Jourdain is not one of +those men that good fortune blinds, and that he still knows, even +in his glory, how to recognize his friends. + +DORIMENE: It is the mark of a completely generous soul. + +DORANTE: Where then is His Turkish Highness? We want, as your +friends, to pay him our respects. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There he comes, and I have sent for my daughter +in order to give him her hand. + + +ACT FIVE + +SCENE IV (Cleonte, Covielle, Monsieur Jourdain, etc.) + +DORANTE: Sir, we come to bow to Your Highness as friends of the +gentleman who is your father-in-law, and to assure you with respect +of our very humble services. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Where's the interpreter to tell him who you are +and to make him understand what you say? You will see that he will +reply, and that he speaks Turkish marvelously. Hey there! Where the +devil has he gone? (To Cleonte). Strouf, strif, strof, straf. The +gentleman is a grande Segnore, grande Segnore, grande Segnore. And +Madame is a Dama granda Dama, granda. Ahi! He, Monsieur, he French +Mamamauchi, and Madame also French Mamamouchie. I can't say it more +clearly. Good, here's the interpreter. Where are you going? We +won't know how to say anything without you. Tell him, that Monsieur +and Madame are persons of high rank, who have come to pay their +respects to him, as my friends, and to assure him of their +services. You'll see how he will reply. + +COVIELLE: Alabala crociam acci boram alabamen. + +CLEONTE: Catalequi tubal ourin soter amalouchan. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: See? + +COVIELLE: He says that the rain of prosperity should water the +garden of your family in all seasons. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I told you that he speaks Turkish! + +DORANTE: That's wonderful. + + +ACT FIVE + +SCENE V (Lucile, Monsieur Jourdain, Dorante, Dorimene, etc.) + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Come, my daughter; come here and give your hand +to the gentleman who does you the honor of asking for you in +marriage. + +LUCILE: What! Father, look at you! Are you playing in a comedy? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no, this is not a comedy, it's a very +serious matter, and as full of honor for you as possible. There is +the husband I give you. + +LUCILE: To me, father? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, to you. Come, put your hand in his, and +give thanks to Heaven for your happiness. + +LUCILE: I have absolutely no wish to marry. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I wish it, I, who am your father. + +LUCILLE: I'll do nothing of the sort. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! What a nuisance! Come, I tell you. Give your +hand. + +LUCILE: No, my father, I told you, there is no power on earth that +can make me take any husband other than Cleonte. And I will go to +extreme measures rather than... (Recognizes Cleonte) It is true +that you are my father; I owe you complete obedience; and it is for +you to dispose of me according to your wishes. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! I am delighted to see you return so promptly +to your duty, and it pleases me to have an obedient daughter. + + +ACT FIVE + +SCENE VI (Madame Jourdain, Monsieur Jourdain, Cleonte, etc.) + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What now? What's this? They say that you want to +give your daughter in marriage to a someone in a Carnival costume? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Will you be quiet, impertinent woman? You always +throw your absurdities into everything, and there's no teaching you +to be reasonable. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: It's you that there is no way of making wise, and +you go from folly to folly. What is your plan, and what do you want +to do with this assemblage of people? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I want to marry our daughter to the son of the +Grand Turk. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: To the son of the Grand Turk? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes. Greet him through the interpreter there. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I don't need an interpreter; and I'll tell him +straight out myself, to his face, that there is no way he will have +my daughter. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I ask again, will you be quiet? + +DORANTE: What! Madame Jourdain, do you oppose such good fortune as +that? You refuse His Turkish Highness as your son-in-law? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: My Goodness, Sir, mind your own business. + +DORIMENE: It's a great glory, which is not to be rejected. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Madame, I beg you also not to concern yourself +with what does not affect you. + +DORANTE: It's the friendship we have for you that makes us involve +ourselves in your interest. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I can get along quite well without your +friendship. + +DORANTE: Your daughter here agrees to the wishes of her father. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: My daughter consents to marry a Turk? + +DORANTE: Without doubt. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: She can forget Cleonte? + +DORANTE: What wouldn't one do to be a great lady? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I would strangle her with my own hands if she did +something like that. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That is just so much talk. I tell you, this +marriage shall take place. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: And I say there is no way that it will happen. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh, what a row! + +LUCILE: Mother! + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Go away, you are a hussy. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What! You quarrel with her for obeying me? + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes. She is mine as much as yours. + +COVIELLE: Madame! + +MADAME JOURDAIN: What do you want to tell me? + +COVIELLE: A word. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I want nothing to do with your word. + +COVIELLE: (To Monsieur Jourdain) Sir, if she will hear a word in +private, I promise you to make her consent to what you want. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I will never consent to it. + +COVIELLE: Only listen to me. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: No. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Listen to him. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: No, I don't want to listen to him. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: He is going tell you... + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I don't want him to tell me anything whatsoever. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There is the great stubbornness of a woman! How +can it hurt you to listen to him? + +COVIELLE: Just listen to me; after that you can do as you please. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Alright! What? + +COVIELLE: (Aside to Madame Jourdain) For an hour, Madame, we've +been signaling to you. Don't you see that all this is done only to +accommodate ourselves to the fantasies of your husband, that we are +fooling him under this disguise and that it is Cleonte himself who +is the son of the Grand Turk? MADAME JOURDAIN: Ah! Ah! COVIELLE: +And I, Covielle, am the interpreter? MADAME JOURDAIN: Ah! If this +is the case then, I surrender. + +COVIELLE: Don't let on. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, it's done, I agree to the marriage. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! Now everyone's reasonable. You didn't want +to hear it. I knew he would explain to you what it means to be the +son of the Grand Turk. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: He explained it to me very well, and I am +satisfied. Let us send for a notary. + +DORANTE: This is very well said. And finally, Madame Jourdain, in +order to relieve your mind completely, and that you may lose today +all the jealousy that you may have conceived of your husband, we +shall have the same notary marry us, Madame and me. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: I agree to that also. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Is this to make her believe our story? + +DORANTE: (Aside to Monsieur Jourdain) It is necessary to amuse her +with this pretence. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Good, good! Someone go for the notary. + +DORANTE: While we wait for him to come and while he draws up the +contracts, let us see our ballet, and divert His Turkish Highness +with it. + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That is very well advised. Come, let's take our +places. + +MADAME JOURDAIN: And Nicole? + +MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I give her to the interpreter; and my wife to +whoever wants her. + +COVIELLE: Sir, I thank you. (Aside) If one can find a greater fool, +I'll go to Rome to tell it. + +(The comedy ends with a ballet.) + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Middle Class Gentleman, by Moliere + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MIDDLE CLASS GENTLEMAN *** + +***** This file should be named 2992.txt or 2992.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/9/2992/ + +Produced by Philip Dwight Jones + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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