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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/29763-8.txt b/29763-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dded103 --- /dev/null +++ b/29763-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6323 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Alex the Great, by H. C. Witwer + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Alex the Great + +Author: H. C. Witwer + +Illustrator: Arthur William Brown + +Release Date: August 22, 2009 [EBook #29763] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALEX THE GREAT *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + + + +[Frontispiece: Along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped +from the Follies when Ziegfeld was busy countin' up the receipts or +somethin'.] + + + + +ALEX THE GREAT + + +BY + +H. C. WITWER + + + + Author of "From Baseball to Boches," + "A Smile a Minute," etc. + + + +ILLUSTRATED BY + +ARTHUR WILLIAM BROWN + + + +BOSTON + +SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY + +PUBLISHERS + + + + +Copyright, 1919, + +BY SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY + +(INCORPORATED) + + + + +DEDICATED TO + +RALPH T. HALE + +--EDITOR OF SMALL, MAYNARD AND COMPANY-- + +MY PUBLISHER--BUT STILL MY FRIEND + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAPTER + + I INTRODUCING ALEX THE GREAT + II THE SELF-COMMENCER + III PLAY YOUR ACE! + IV DON'T GIVE UP THE TIP! + V YOU CAN DO IT! + VI THE LITTLE THINGS DON'T COUNT + VII ART IS WRONG + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + + +Along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from the + Follies when Ziegfeld was busy countin' up the receipts or + somethin'. . . . . . . _Frontispiece_ + +I struck a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of them used in New +York every fiscal year. + +"She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!" + +She's knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make me off her for +life. + +"How perfectly sweet! If you two only knew what a pretty picture you +make!" + +"Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked all your life to +acquire ignorance, for no one was ever born as stupid as you!" + +When the dames cast languishing glances at his handsome form, he glared +at them like an infuriated turtle. + + + + +ALEX THE GREAT + + +CHAPTER I + +INTRODUCING ALEX THE GREAT + +Girls, listen--if friend hubby comes home to-night and while hurlin' +the cat off his favorite chair, remarks that he's got a scheme to make +gold out of mud or pennant winners out of the St. Looey Cardinals, +don't threaten to leave him flat and accuse him of givin' aid and +comfort to the breweries. Turn the gas out under the steak, be seated +and register attention--because maybe he _has_! + +Scattered around all the department stores, coal mines, butcher shops, +the police force and banks, there's guys which can sing as well as +Caruso, lead a band better than Sousa, stand Dempsey on his ear, show +Rockefeller how to make money or teach Chaplin some new falls. Yet +these birds go through life on eighteen dollars every Saturday with +prospects, and never get their names in the papers unless they get +caught in a trolley smash-up. They're like a guy with the ice cream +concession at the North Pole. They got the goods, but what of it? As +far as the universe is concerned it's a secret--they're there with +chimes on, but nobody knows it but them! + +Y'know this stuff about us all bein' neck and neck when we hit the +nursery may be true, but, believe me, some guys are born to run second! +They get off on the wrong foot, trailin' the leaders until the +undertaker stops the race. They plod through life takin' orders from +guys that don't know half as much about any given thing as they do; +they never get a crack at the big job or the big money, although +accordin' to Hoyle they got everything that's needed for both. Take +Joey Green who used to be so stupid at dear old college that the +faculty once considered givin' him education by injectin' it into his +dome with a hypodermic. At forty he comes back to the campus to make +'em a present of a few new buildin's out of last month's winnin's from +the cruel world. Where is Elbert Huntington, which copped all the +diplomas, did algebra by ear and was give medals for out-brainin' the +class? Where is _he_, teacher? And the echo chirps, "Workin' for Joey +Green, drawin' twenty a week and on the payroll as No. 543!" + +The answer to this little thumb sketch is easy. Elbert Huntington had +brains and Joey Green had confidence. Elbert _expected_ to dumfound +the world with what he knew, and Joey _did_ dumfound it with what he +didn't. Now if Joseph made good with nothin' but nerve, what could a +guy do that had brains and nerve both? + +I'll tell you. + +After we won the world's series in 1914 and the dough had been divided +up to the satisfaction of everybody but the guys that was in on the +split, me and the wife had figured on one of them trips to Europe. You +prob'bly know the kind I mean, "$900 and up. Bus to hotel on fifth +morning out included." I had looked forward to this here expedition +for thirty years, like a guy looks forward to eight o'clock the night +he's gonna call on his first girl. We had learned French and Eytalian +off of a phonograph record and from givin' them spaghetti dives a play. +Also, I had collected a trousseau that would of made John Drew take +arsenic if he'd ever of flashed me when I was dolled up for the street. + +Prob'ly you have seen somethin' in the papers about how the old country +was closed to traffic right then. From what I hear it was all dug up +like lower Broadway and tourists had to detour by way of So. America, +so we never got nearer Europe than the Williamsburg Bridge, and you +can't see a thing from there. + +Well, when we found out that as far as trips to Europe was concerned +they was nothin' stirrin', the wife took both bank books and went down +to Lakewood, while I stayed in New York as a deposit on the new flat. +I went to the station with her and I'll betcha from the fond farewells +we give each other, people must of thought she was gonna take the veil +or somethin', instead of just goin' to entomb herself in Jersey for a +month. I swore I'd be in every night at ten, although that's kinda +late to start out for the night, and she promised not to get in no +bridge mêlées where the sum they battled for was over six bits. Then +we took some more bows on the lovin' good-by stuff, and I'm alone in +the big city. + +I managed somehow to live through the day, but the next afternoon I +lured a bunch up to the flat for a little pinochle. I begin by +invitin' two guys, but by the time we got to Harlem we was a dozen +strong. Once inside the portals, it turns out that only six of them is +wild about pinochle, so the rest of 'em take up the rugs, start the +victrola and give themselves up to dancin'. Pretty soon the telephone +rings with great violence. I grabbed the receiver and learned it was +the woman which lives underneath. + +"Them steamfitters you got rehearsin' up there has got to call it a +day!" she says. "Otherwise I'll moan to the landlord. The chandelier +has left the ceilin' already and four pieces of my chocolate set is +busted. I never heard tell of such carryin' on!" + +"Wait till you been here a little longer," I says, "I ain't carryin' +on, me and some boy friends of mine is tryin' to kill a dull afternoon +and--" + +"If them's friends makin' that racket," she butts in, "I hope I have +moved when your enemies call! What am I gonna do about that chocolate +set, hey? D'ye hear--there goes another piece!" + +"If I was in your place," I tells her, "I'd drink coffee, and if your +furnishings is all as frail as that chocolate set you're featurin', you +better grab hold of the piano, because I'm gonna sneeze!" + +"Don't you dare make no cracks about my furniture!" she yells. "I got +my opinion of what you do for a livin' when you can afford to be home +in the daytime!" + +"I make chocolate sets," I says. "We're workin' on one now and--" + +"Wait till my husband comes home!" she cuts in. "He'll take care of +you!" + +"I don't need nobody to take care of me," I comes back, "I'm self +supportin'." + +"Why don't you let go there?" yells Eddie Brannan. "Are you and that +dame doin' an act or what?" + +Zip! she hangs up and just then the front door-bell makes good. + +"See who it is!" I calls to one of the gang, sittin' in the game again. +"Tell 'em I'm in Brazil and--" + +Oh, boy! + +One of them dead silences took place in the hall and--in walks the wife! + +For the next five seconds it was so quiet in that flat that a graveyard +would seem like a locomotive works alongside of it. Joe Leity starts +to whistle soft and low, Abe Katz opens the dumbwaiter and looks down +to see what kind of a jump it is and I dropped a hundred aces on the +floor. The rest of the gang eases over to the door. + +"Why--ah--eh--ah, what does this mean?" I says kinda weak. "I thought +you had went to Lakewood." + +"Well," she says, turnin' the eyes, that used to fill the Winter Garden +every night, on the gang, "where d'ye figure I am now? I'll give you +three guesses!" + +"Ahem!" says Joe Leity, "I guess I'll blow! I--" + +"Me, too!" pipes the gang like a chorus and does a few more vamps to +the door. + +"Why don't you introduce your friends?" says the wife. "Or maybe you +just run across these boys yourself when you come in, heh?" + +"Excuse!" I says. "This here's Joe Leity, Abe Katz, Phil Young, Red +Dailey, Steve--" + +"Never mind callin' the roll," she butts in. "I'll let it go en masse. +I'm delighted to meet you all, and I hope you won't run away simply +because I'm here." + +"Oh, no--not at all--we ain't runnin' away!" they says. + +"There's no reason for you boys _runnin'_ anyways," the wife goes on, +"because the elevator is right outside now and I think the boy is +holdin' the car for you--" + +They blowed! + +"And now," says the wife to me, "what d'ye mean by bringin' them +plumbers up here for a union meetin', eh?" + +"Don't be always knockin'!" I answers, gettin' peeved. "Them boys is +all honest and true, even if they do look a little rough to the naked +eye. But how is it you come back to-day when you wasn't due for a +month?" + +"You're tickled to death to see me, ain't you?" she asks, pullin' the +pout that formerly helped sell the magazines. + +To be level with you, I was--mad and all. + +"Why, dearie!" I remarks, kissin' her. "You know I--" + +"Easy with the oil!" she cuts me off. "Get on your hat and coat; we're +goin' right down to Grand Central Station." + +"Don't you think it's liable to tire you, honey," I asks her, "runnin' +back and forth from Lakewood like this?" + +"I'm not goin' to Lakewood, Stupid," she says. "We're goin' down to +meet Alex Hanley--of course you remember him?" + +I threw in the self-starter on the old brain, but there was nothin' +doin'. + +"No!" I says. "To come right out with it--I don't. I realize though +that he must be a lu-lu when we're goin' down and meet him at the +station. What did he do--lick Dempsey?" + +"Idiot!" says the wife, callin' me by her favorite pet name. "He's my +cousin." + +Oh, boy! + +We was goin' down in the elevator and I sunk in the seat with a low +moan. In the short space since me and the wife had been wed, I had met +her father, six brothers, four nephews, three cousins and a bevy of her +uncles. They all claimed they was pleased to meet me, though they +couldn't figure how their favorite female relative come to fall for +me--and then they folleyed that lead up with a request for everything +from a job to ten bucks. + +"All right, dearie," I says, finally, "I'm game! Believe me, though, +while your family is all aces to me on account of bein' related to you, +I often find myself wishin' that you had been an orphan!" + +"I could of married a couple of millionaires!" sighs the wife. "And to +think I turned 'em down for you!" + +"If you had married a _couple_ of millionaires, you would of been +pinched!" I says. "What d'ye think this cousin of yours will want to +start off with, from your affectionate husband?" + +"Nothin'!" she tells me. "Alex never asked a favor in his life. +Believe me, this one is different!" + +"I can see that from here!" I says. "If you claim he won't take me for +something he's different, all right. In fact I can hardly believe he +belongs to the family at all." + +"I was brought up never to brawl in the open," says the wife, "so I'm +lettin' your insults go. This boy is fresh from the mountains of +Vermont. He's never been to New York in his life and he's comin' here +now to make his mark." + +"I'll lay you eight to five I'm the mark!" I says. + +We was at the station then, so we had to practise self-denial and quit +scrappin'. The wife explained that she had hardly got to Lakewood when +she found a telegram there from her cousin Alex sayin' that he was +comin' down for a visit. So she beat it right back to meet him, not +wantin' the poor kid to breeze into a town like New York, all by his +lonesome. + +Well, we stand in the middle of the waitin'-room like a couple of boobs +for a while, and then a guy, which I figured must be a college devil +bustin' into a new fraternity, comes gallopin' across the floor, slams +a suitcase down on my foot and throws his arms around the wife's neck. +He had on a cap which could of been used as a checker board when you +got tired of wearin' it, a suit of clothes that must of been made by a +maniac tailor and the yellowest tan shoes I ever seen in my life. If +he had been three inches taller and an ounce thinner, you could of put +a tent around him and got a dime admission. On his upper lip, which +was of a retirin' disposition, he had a mustache that was an outright +steal from Chaplin. + +I watched him and my wife embrace as long as I could stand it and then +I tapped her on the shoulder. + +"I suppose this is Alex, eh?" I says--while he looks at me for the +first time. + +"You got Sherlock Holmes lookin' stupid!" admits the wife. "Alex, meet +my lord and master." + +"Howdy, cousin!" hollers Alex. "I knowed you the minute I seen you +from them, now, big ears you got. Y'know they went to work and printed +your picture in the Sunday papers last month on a charge of havin' won +the, now, pennant for--Well, that's neither here nor there. I come +here to make good! A feller with brains can always do that in these +big rube towns like New York. Of course a baseball player don't need +no brains--you know that yourself and--" + +"C'mon, Alex," butts in the wife quickly, seein' I was gettin' ready to +grab Alex by the neck. "We'll go right up to the flat and have +something to eat. I'll bet you haven't had a bite since you left +home--you ought to be starved by this time!" + +"I'd rather see him shot, myself!" I growls, taggin' along after them, +carryin' this bird's suitcase. If they was clothes in there, Alex must +of dressed in armor up in Vermont. The thing was as heavy as two +dollars' worth of corn beef and cabbage. However, I figured I'd get +back at Alex the minute he asked me for a job. I was all set for this +bird, believe me! + +"So this is New York, hey?" he pipes through his nose the minute we get +outside the station. He stops dead in the street, gazin' up at the big +buildin's and then down at the crowds like a guy in a trance. All he +needed was a streamer of hay in his mouth and the first seven guys that +passed would of offered to sell him the Bronx. He gasps a couple of +times and wipes his eyes. + +"Well, Alex," I says, tryin' hard not to laugh in his face, "what d'ye +think of New York? Considerable burg, eh?" + +He shakes his head kinda sad and sighs. + +"I'll speak plain to you, cousin," he says. "Of all the rube burgs I +ever seen, this here's the limit!" + +I liked to fell down one of them Subway holes! + +"Rube town?" I yells. "Where d'ye get that stuff? Are you seekin' to +kid me?" + +He grabs me by the shoulders and swings me around. + +"Just you look at that crowd of folks on the corner there!" he tells +me. He points over to where half New York is bein' held up in a +traffic jam--wagons, autos, surface cars and guys usin' rubber heels as +a means of locomotion, all waitin' for the cop to say, "Go!" + +"Just look at 'em!" repeats Alex, sneering at me. "From the reports +that have reached me, this here's the town where all the brains in the +world is gathered. There's a couple hundred of them brains on the +corner there now, I reckon, and they can't go nowheres till that +constabule gives the word! Huh!" he snorts, turnin' away. "All just a +lot of rubes, that's all!" + +We get in a taxi and all the way up Alex kept lookin' out the window, +shakin' his head and mutterin' somethin' about Manhattan bein' a +well-advertised bunk and all the inhabitants thereof bein' hicks. I +don't know whether he was after my goat or not, but in a few minutes he +had it. + +"Listen, gentle stranger," I says, when nature could stand no more, "I +realize that New York is nothin' but a flag station and that we're all +Reubens and chew hay, but we have, amongst other things, six million +merry villagers, the biggest buildings in the world, the subway, +gunmen, cabarets, Broadway, and--well, a lot of things that you gotta +admit ain't hit dear old Vermont as yet!" + +"And I most sincerely hope and trust they never will!" pipes Alex. "We +don't need 'em! We got good, clean mountain air, plenty of honest +green grass and--and--_neighbors_! There's just a few things you ain't +got in New York. Cousin Alice tells me she was here two years before +she knowed the folks in the next flat. That shows you people is +suspicious. You know you're rubes and you're afraid to welcome the +stranger for fear he'll sell you one of them, now, gold bricks. I also +hear you pay five and six dollars for a seat at an entertainment. You +so-called wise New Yorkers pays that much for tickets and then go in +and laugh your fool heads off at a scene showin' a, now, farmer bein' +stung! Ha, ha, ha! You--" + +We was up at the flat then, and I let him rave on, tryin' not to get +peeved, so's we'd have some peace and quiet in the family. I knew if +he kept on pannin' my town, I'd get sore and bite him or somethin'--and +then the wife wouldn't gimme no smile for a month. Alex was a new one +on me so far, but I figured that in a couple of days he'd be tellin' +the world that New York was the greatest place on earth and people that +lived anywheres else must be nutty--the way they all do. + +After supper the wife calls up a girl friend of hers so's we can make +up a little theatre party. Me and Alex goes into the parlor for a +smoke, and I asked him how he come to be in our mongst if he already +knowed what a hick town New York was. + +"I come here to make good," he tells me, "because, in my opinion, this +is the easiest place in the world to do that thing. This town is no +different than Ann Harbor or New Haven, except that it's bigger--that's +all! The trouble with most fellows that come here from a small town +is, they let New York get under their skin and it takes their nerve +before they get started. Advertisin' is what has made this town what +it is to-day and nothin' else. It's easier to make good here than it +is in a burg, because in your own town everybody knows you and now +fourflushin' will get you nothin'. There's so many people here that a +feller can keep _some_ of 'em guessin' all the time. All anybody needs +to get ahead here is confidence--" + +"Well," I butts in, "if all a guy needs is confidence, you ought to be +a knockout! What are you figurin' on doin' first?" + +"I'll look around to-morrow," he says. "I wanna start off with the +hardest proposition in the town right away. Out in my town five of us +fellers formed a little club. Each of us has swore to come to New York +one after the other and make good in six months to a year, just to show +you folks how easy it is. For one thing, we all got our own private +little plans for winnin' out here and every one of us is goin' to go at +the proposition from a brand new angle. I was elected to be the first +one, and that's why I'm here." + +"Alex," I says, "you're an ambitious feller, and I gotta hand it to +you. I don't doubt you'll go a long ways at that, if you don't get +pinched for speedin'. But this stuff you're pullin' about dear old +Manhattan gets under my collar! I hate to hear you pan the capital of +the world in that rough way of yours, and when you claim it's a simple +matter to make good here, you have gone and pulled a bone. If it's as +soft as you say, I must of lost the combination or somethin', because +it took me thirty years to get over right here, and, at that, I ain't +causin' Rockefeller or George M. Cohan no worry! So just to show you +that your dope is all wrong and that you're due to hit the bumps if you +play it out, I'll lay you eight to five you muff the very first thing +you try here--what d'ye say?" + +He looks at me for a minute and shakes his head. + +"I don't want to deprive my Cousin Alice of no luxuries," he tells me, +"or I'd snap you right up on that." + +"I see they're still makin' 'em yellah up in Vermont!" I sneers. + +"D'ye mean to insinuate that I'm a quitter?" he asks me, gettin' red. + +"You ought to be a fortune teller!" I says. + +"By gravy, I'll take you up!" he hollers. "I got five hundred dollars +in my left shoe and I might as well add to it now as later. I'll bet +you the five hundred to your eight hundred that the first thing I +tackle here, I make good!" + +"You hate yourself, don't you?" I says. + +"Who's yellah now?" he comes back. + +"The canary," I tells him. "You're on!" + +Just then the door-bell rings, and they was sounds of kissin' by women +principals in the hall. In walks the wife with what looks to me like a +opium-eater's dream and a Fifth Avenue evenin' gown model combined. +Alex takes one flash and turns red, white and blue. + +"This is my friend Eve Rossiter," says the wife. "My husband, Eve, and +my cousin, Alex Hanley." + +"Charmed!" breathes Eve, pullin' a smile that lit up the room. + +"Me and you both!" I says. + +But Alex clears his throat, grits his teeth and flushes up. They was a +glitter in his eye and he begins to talk fast and hard. + +"Howdy, Miss Rossiter!" he says, shakin' hands like he was bein' give a +knockdown to the new bartender. "I'm astounded to meet you! I just +come to New York to-day, but if I'd of knowed you was here, I'd of been +here long ago. However, I'm here now and better late than forever, as +the feller says. I just bet my cousin here that the first thing I +tried my hand at in New York I'd make good. I'm goin' out to-morrow +and show him how easy it is for a feller to get to the top in this here +prize rube burg, provided he has now gumption and his methods is new. +I'll see you to-morrow night and let you know how I made out; I know +you won't have no peace till you hear about it!" He digs into his +pockets feverishly and grabs out a handful of letters. "Here's what +they thought of me up in Vermont!" he goes on, never takin' his eyes +off the girl's face. The wife is starin' at him with her mouth and +eyes as open as a crap tourney, like she figured he'd gone nutty--and +me and Little Eva is runnin' neck and neck at tryin' to keep from +laughin'. "They say a man that can make good in New York can make good +anywhere," he goes on, throwin' the clutch into high again. "_I_ say a +man that can make good anywhere can make good in New York! What's the +difference between New York and Goose Creek, Iowa?--New York's got more +people in it, that's all! It's harder--" + +"Alex, Alex!" butts in the wife, finally regainin' control of her +voice. "What is the matter with you? You--" + +"Hush!" says Alex, turnin' back to Eve again. "It's harder to make +good in a little town than it is in a big one, because--" + +"Alex, look here!" cuts in the wife, gettin' sore. "Miss Rossiter +ain't interested in that patter of yours--we're goin' to the theatre. +Now both you men run along and dress, we'll miss half the show as it +is!" + +"I'll be right back!" chirps Alex to Eve. "Them eyes of yours is +simply now dumfoundin'!" + +I took Alex in my boudoir and while I'm gettin' in the banquet +uneyform, he takes a thing that was a cross between a tuxedo and a +dress suit out of his bag and dolls up. When set for the street, Alex +was no Greek god, but he was fairly easy to look at, if you closed one +eye. He wanted to know what kind of an entertainment they had at the +opry house this week, and I told him I'd show him somethin' that had +them huskin' bees, he was used to up in Vermont, beat eighty ways from +the jack. + +Well, we go to the biggest musical show on Broadway, and instead of +faintin' dead away from joy, Alex claims it was rotten and spent the +night explainin' to Eve how he was gonna take New York the next +mornin'. After the show we went to a cabaret and still no rise out of +Alex. He was off the gay whirl, he says, and his idea of a holiday was +to sit beside his own fireside, readin' yesterday's mail, while his +wife made the room resound with melody by hummin' "Silver Threads Among +The Gold," the while knittin' a doily for the front-room table. + +At this, Eve, which has been gazin' at Alex all night like he was Coney +Island and she was gettin' her first peep, asks if he was married. + +"Don't crowd me!" he tells her, tappin' her arm playfully. "I ain't +gonna get married till I make good. By to-morrow night, though, I +reckon I'll be in a position to talk it over with you!" + +"Ooooh!!" gasps Eve, turnin' a becomin' shade of red. Can you tell me +why them big league dames fall for these guys like Alex? If you can do +that, I got an easy one for you--I wanna know who started the world. +From one flash at Eve, bein' a married man, I could tell where she'd be +the next night when Alex called--and it wouldn't be--out! The next +minute Eve laughed and tells Alex if he's got as much ability as he has +nerve, he ought to have New York on its ear in twenty-four hours. The +wife asks him will he kindly lay off pesterin' her girl friend to death +and quit boostin' himself for a minute, because we was out for pleasure +and he had played the one record all night. + +"Go on, Mister Hanley," butts in Eve, "I love to hear you talk. You're +so different from any one else I've met, and I really believe you +_will_ do something big here, because you're--well--new!" + +"You have remarked somethin'!" agrees Alex. "I'm gonna show 'em +somethin' they never seen before and make 'em like it!" + +Well, he takes Eve home that night for a starter, and the next mornin' +he's up bright and early at seven, ready to startle Manhattan. He said +he wanted me to go out with him and watch him win my eight hundred +bucks and also to notice the way he worked. He picks up the mornin' +paper, runs through the "Help Wanted" columns for a minute and finally +clears his throat. + +"Aha!" he says. "Listen to this--'Wanted. High class automobile +salesman for the Gaflooey light delivery wagon. We have no time for +experiments and successful applicant must make good at once. We don't +want an order taker, but an order _maker_--a real, live, simon-pure +hustler who will start delivering the goods the morning he goes on the +payroll. This job pays ten thousand a year, if you show us you're +worth it. Apply personally all day and bring references. This is +imperative. We want to see your past record of sales elsewhere. Ask +for Mr. Grattan, 1346 Broadway. If you haven't the experience, don't +come!'" + +"Well?" I says. + +He puts down the paper and reaches for his hat. + +"They'll probably be a lot after that there job, hey?" he asks me. + +"About four thousand, I'd say offhand!" I grins. + +"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands and smilin', "I love competition +because it puts a feller on his mettle. Now look here, if I go down +there and secure that job this mornin', do I get your eight hundred +dollars?" + +"What?" I hollers. "What d'ye mean, do you get my eight hundred?" + +"Listen!" he says. "The bet was that I make good at the first thing I +tackle, wasn't it--all right! Now this here job looks good to me. Ten +thousand a year is nice money to start. If you're fair minded, you'll +admit that in goin' after this job I'm up against a pretty stiff +proposition. In the first place I don't know no more about automobiles +than you do about raisin' hogs. I never sold one in my life. I don't +know a soul in New York outside of you, Cousin Alice and that girl I +took home last night, so I can't furnish no references on my ability as +a salesman. The advertisement says you have to have 'em. As you say, +they'll be thousands after that job. Fellers with swell fronts, high +soundin' records in back of 'em and gilt-edged references. Now under +all that handicap, if I walk in there and get the job, won't you admit +I made good?" + +"If you go down and ask for that job and they turn you down, you'll pay +me, eh?" I asks him. + +"At once!" he says, firmly. + +"C'mon, Alex!" I tells him, puttin' on my hat. "I hate to cop a sucker +bet like this, but maybe losin' it will reduce the size of your head a +trifle and do you good!" + +Once out in the street, he stretches his arms, pulls his hat down hard +over his dome and stamps his feet. + +"Watch me close!" he says. "Watch me close and you'll get some +valuable tips on how to put yourself over. I told you I was gonna be +new--just observe how I go after this job. The average New Yorker who +wanted it would go right down to the office, present his, now, +credentials and ask for it, wouldn't he?" + +I nodded. + +"The early worm catches the fish, y'know!" I says; "and in New York +here--the town that made pep and hustle famous--a man would be down +there at six a.m. waitin' for the place to open. Why, there's prob'ly +a hundred or more there right now!" + +"I hope there's a million!" he comes back. "It'll be more satisfaction +when they hire me over all them others. Now I ain't goin' near that +there office as yet. My system gets away from the old stuff--just keep +your eye on Cousin Alex from now on!" + +He buys a newspaper, finds the automobile section and, finally, a big +display advertisement of the Gaflooey Auto Company. He takes out a +letter from his pocket and on the back of it he marks the price, style, +and a lot of other dope about Gaflooey light delivery wagons and then +throws the paper away. + +"Now," he grins, "I'm all ready, except to give them folks my full name +for the payroll!" + +At that minute, somebody slaps me on the back and I swing around to see +Buck Rice chucklin' at me. Buck used to be one of the best second +basemen that ever picked up a bat, till his legs went back on him and +he got into the automobile game. I remember thinkin' how funny it was +that he come along right then when me and Alex was talkin' about autos. + +"Well, how are they breakin', Buck?" I says, shakin' hands and +introducin' Alex. + +"I think I have fanned with the bases loaded again," he laughs. "I put +in five hours to-day tryin' to get the Mastadon Department Store to put +in a line of six-cylinder Katzes on their delivery system. I got a +private tip that they're changin' from the Mutz-36 and the first order +will be about eighty cars. Of course that's a sweet piece of money for +somebody and everybody in New York will be there to-day tryin' to grab +that order off. You might as well try to sell radiators in Hades +though, because Munson, the bird that does the purchasin', is stuck on +the Clarendon and he wouldn't buy anything else if they was givin' 'em +away!" + +"Well, that's tough, Buck!" I sympathizes. + +"Sure is!" he says, givin' me and Alex a quarter perfecto and grinnin' +some more to show how disappointed he feels. "But I should worry! If +I lose that one, I'll get another, so what's the difference?" He turns +to Alex, "Y'know in New York here," he confides, "we don't have no time +to hold no coroner's inquests over failures. We forget about 'em and +go after somethin' else--always on the job, get me? You'll learn after +you're here a while--that's what makes the town what it is. If I +stopped to moan over every order I didn't put across, I'd be nowhere +to-day. Nope, you can't do that in New York!" + +"Another of them there New Yorkers, hey?" sneers Alex to me, after Buck +has blowed. "Don't you see how that feller proves my argyment about +how simple it is to make good here? From the way he's dressed--them, +now, diamonds and so forth--he's probably a big feller in his line. +Makin' plenty of money and looked on as a success by the ig'rant. Yet +he lets a big order get away from him when it was practically a cinch +to land it!" + +"Say, listen!" I yelps--this bird was gettin' on my nerves. "If +four-flushin' was water, you'd be the Pacific Ocean! You gimme a pain +with that line of patter you got, and as far as salesmanship is +concerned, I'll bet you couldn't sell a porterhouse steak to a guy +dyin' of hunger. I'd like to see _you_ land an order like Buck spoke +of, you--" + +"That's just what you're gonna do!" he butts in. "You're gonna see +_me_ land that very order he told us about--what d'ye think of that, +hey?" + +I stopped dead and gazed upon him. + +"You're gonna which?" I asks him. + +"I'm gonna land that order from that department store!" he repeats, +grabbin' my arm. "C'mon--show me how to get there!" + +I fell up against a lamp post and laughed till a passin' dame remarked +to her friend that it was an outrage the way some guys drank. Then I +led Alex to the subway. + +"Listen," I says. "What about this job you was gonna get? Of course +you know if you quit, I win the bet." + +"Quit?" he says. "Where have I heard the word before? Who said +anything about quittin'? I'm gonna get that order and I'm gonna get +that job!" + +"Fair enough!" I tells him, "but you're goin' at the thing backwards. +How are you gonna take an order for autos when you ain't got no autos +to sell? I suppose you figure on grabbin' the ten thousand dollar job +first and then makin' good with a loud crash by landin' the big order, +eh?" + +He shakes his head and sighs pityin'ly. + +"Would there be anything new and original about that?" he asks. + +"No!" I says, "there wouldn't! But I don't see how you're gonna win +out any other way." + +"Of course you don't!" he sneers. "You're a New Yorker, ain't you? +I'm supposed to be the rube, simply because I wasn't born on Sixth +Avenue. Now I already told you my methods was new, didn't I? Anybody +would work the thing the way you lay it out--and probably land neither +the job nor the order. What a chance would I have goin' up there and +askin' for that job first? Where would I come out against all them +sellin' experts with letters and so forth to prove it? Why, they'd +laugh me outa the office! _B-u-t!--if I go to them with an order for +fifty or sixty of their cars as actual proof that I can sell not only +autos, but their autos_, what will they say, then? D'ye see the point +now? They ask me for a reference and I reach in my pocket and give +them the order, _which I've got before applyin' for the job_, to prove +to myself and them that I can sell automobiles!" + +Oh, boy! + +"Alex," I says, when I got my breath, "I gotta hand it to you! When it +comes to inventin' things, you got Edison lookin' like a backward +pupil. Go to it, old kid! If you put this over the way you have just +told it to me, you'll own Broadway in a week!" + +"I'm figurin' on ten days!" he says. + +We arrive at the Mastadon Department Store and shoot up in the elevator +to the office of G. C. Munson, the general manager. Alex has been +readin' the notes he made on Gaflooey delivery wagons like the same was +a French novel, and, by the time we got there, he could repeat their +advertisement by heart. He starts to breeze right into the office and +some dame appears on the scene and nails him. + +"One moment, please!" she says, very cold--givin' Alex a look that took +in everything from his hick clothes to his rube haircut. "This happens +to be a private office. Whom did you desire to see?" + +"If I thought they was anybody prettier than you here, I'd ask to have +them brought out," says Alex, in that simple rube way of his which give +no offense, "but of course I know that's impossible. Still, as long as +I'm here, I'd like to see Mister Munson." + +The dame melts and releases a smile. + +"What did you wish to see him about?" she asks. + +"About ten minutes," pipes Alex. "D'ye know there's somethin' about +them navy blue eyes of yours that makes me think of my mother--isn't +that funny?" + +The dame surrenders and shows Alex all her nice front teeth. + +"I'll see if Mister Munson is in," she says, handin' him a card, "but +you'll have to fill this out." + +Alex looks at the card which had this on it, + + Mr ................................... + + Desires to see ....................... + + Regarding ............................ + + +He laughs suddenly, takes out his fountain pen and fills the thing out. +Lookin' over his shoulder I seen him write this, + + Mr......... _Alex Hanley_ + + Desires to see ...... _Mr. Munson_. + + Regarding .... _The price of petrified noodles in Siberia_. + + +"There," he says, handin' it to the girl without a smile, "give that to +Mister Munson." + +She takes it in without lookin' at it. + +"Well, you crabbed any chance you might of had, right off the bat!" I +says to Alex. "He'll get so sore when he reads that, he won't even let +you in." + +"Let him get sore!" chirps Alex. "He'll not only get sore, he'll get +curious and then again I'm figurin' on him bein' human, besides bein' +general manager and havin' a sense of humor! He's probably been +pestered with auto salesmen all day--if I wrote my real business on +that card he'd send word he was out. As it is, he'll read it and he +won't be able to resist the, now, temptation to get one look at a +feller which would want to know from a man in his position the price of +petrified noodles in Siberia. No matter what happens afterwards, he'll +want one look--wouldn't you?" + +Before I can answer, the dame comes out laughin'. + +"Step in," she says. "Mister Munson will see you." + +"Now!" hisses Alex, as we ease in on the velvet carpet. "Watch how _I_ +go about sellin' autos. Y'see I got a nibble already because I was +new! I--Howdy, Mister Munson!" + +We was in the private office. + +Munson was a little, keen-faced guy--bald, nervous and fat. He looks +up over his glasses with Alex's card in his hand--and Alex looks back. +In one second they had each found out all they wanted to know about the +other. + +"What's the meaning of this nonsense?" barks Munson. + +Alex walks over to the desk, wets his lips and gets goin'. + +"Mister Munson," he says, "if you called on a man at his office, would +you care to write your business on a card for the office boy to read? +No--you would not! A big man like you would probably tear the card up, +leave the office in a, now, rage and never return! You'd be insulted, +your, now, dignity would be hurt, eh? You might be from out of town +and comin' here to leave a big order and that little thing--prob'ly +invented by one of your New York efficiency stars--would make you so +mad you'd go away and order where they wasn't so efficient, but a +little more courteous! Look at that card--the, now, wordin' of it. +Look how cold and hard it is! No warmth, no 'glad-to-see-you-stranger +what-can-my-house-do-for-you?' about it. It's like a slap in the face! +Maybe it does keep the panhandlers away, but did you ever figure how +many orders it must have cost you, hey?" + +Munson has listened to every word, first with a heavy frown and then +with a kind of thoughtful look on his face. He taps the desk with a +lead pencil, reads the card a couple of times and then slams his fist +on the desk. + +"By Peter, young man!" he snaps out suddenly, "you may be right! The +wording of that office blank _is_ rather insulting, now that I dissect +it--been too busy before to notice it. Yes, sir, I _would_ resent +having my business blatted out before a whole staff of subordinates! +There must be some way, of course, to keep out the hordes of jobless +and what not who would get in if it wasn't for that blank and now, by +the eternal, we'll find one less liable to turn away gold with +the--er--grist! I thank you for the suggestion. And now, what did you +want to see me about?" + +"Automobiles," says Alex, "and--" + +Munson freezes right up and slaps his hands together. + +"That's enough!" he snarls. "Perhaps that office blank of ours is not +so bad after all! If you had filled it out properly, you wouldn't be +here. I've heard enough about autos to-day to last me for the rest of +my life. Yesterday, I mentioned casually, and I thought in confidence, +that we were considering a change in our delivery system. Beginning at +eight this morning, there has been a constant stream of automobile +salesmen in this office! The only persons who have not tried to sell +me automobiles are George Washington, Jack Dempsey and Billy Sunday! +I'm quite sure every one else has been here. The air has been filled +with magnetos, self-starters, sliding gear transmissions, aluminum +crank cases and all that other damnable technical stuff that goes with +automobiles! You need not open your mouth--I know exactly what your +sales talk is, they're all alike, more or less. Your car is far and +away the best on the market, of course, and--" + +"Excuse me, Mister Munson!" butts in Alex. "You get me all wrong. Our +car--the Gaflooey--is _not_ the best on the market. There are others +just as good and some of the higher priced ones are, naturally, better. +You can't expect the best on the market for the price we sell at--750. +A man of your intelligence knows that and when a salesman tells you his +five hundred dollar car is better than a standard make at five +thousand, he's insulting your intelligence. We make a good, honest +car--that's all. I ain't gonna take up your time tellin' you about +the--eh--ah--the--eh, magneto and so forth. Unless you're a mechanic, +you wouldn't understand about 'em anyways. All the parts that go with +any car are on ours, or it wouldn't work--that's understood. However, +as I said before, I ain't gonna take up your time. I know how you New +Yorkers do business, and you've probably made your mind up already. +You big men are all zip!--like that. Mind made up and nothin' can +change you. Even if you do miss somethin' good now and then, you don't +mind because you have the satisfaction of bein' known as a quick +thinker. We just got in a new consignment of cars to-day and if you're +interested our place is at 1346 Broadway. Well, good-day, sir!" he +winds up, reachin' for his hat. + +"Wait!" says Munson, takin' off his glasses and wipin' 'em. "You're a +new one on me, son! So you admit you haven't got the greatest auto +that was ever made, eh?" he chuckles. "By Peter! That sounds strange +after all the talk I been listening to to-day. If your car is as +honest as you seem to be, it's all right!" He sits lookin' off in the +air, tappin' the desk with the pencil again. + +Alex nudges me and we start for the door. Halfway he stops and looks +at a photo that's framed over the desk. It's a picture of a barn, some +chickens and a couple of cows. + +"Right fine landscape, that!" chirps Alex to Munson. "Makes a feller +like me homesick to look at it. Them are sure fine Jerseys, too--and +say, see them pullets, would you!" + +"That's my little farm down on Long Island," says Munson, throwin' out +his chest. "I suppose that makes you laugh, eh? Big, grown New Yorker +having a farm, eh?" + +"Mister," says Alex, sadly, "it don't make _me_ laugh! I was raised on +a farm in Vermont and--" + +"That so?" cuts in Munson, lookin' interested. "Country boy, eh?" + +"Yep," goes on Alex. "Now, speakin' of them pullets there--if you'd +try 'em on a straight diet of bran and potatoes--pound of each--they'll +fatten up quicker." + +"Yes?" pipes Munson, brightenin' up some more. "Well, well! +And--hmph! Thanks, Mister Hanley, I'll make a note of that. +Now--eh--sit down a minute! I don't want to take your time, but--eh, +what did you find best back home for saving the young chicks? What +foods--" + +"I'll just leave you a few little rules," says Alex, his eyes +glitterin', as he rams his elbow a mile in my ribs. "I got to call on +another department store this afternoon, where I'm almost certain to +take an order and--" + +"Young man!" Munson shuts him off, "I'm frank enough to say that you've +made a very favorable impression on me. You're honest about your car, +and you didn't try to overawe me by hurling a lot of unintelligible +technical terms into my ear. You don't claim it's the bargain of the +age. Now we have recently inaugurated right here in this store a +policy of absolute honesty with regard to our merchandise. No +misrepresentations are permitted. We sell our goods for what they +are--we don't allow a clerk to tell a customer that he's getting a +five-dollar shirt for two dollars. I can't get the car I want to put +in here--they want too much money and their salesman spent most of his +time here speaking in terms that none but a master mechanic on their +own auto would understand. I'm a pretty good judge of character and +you look good to me. Give me a price on fifty of your cars for +immediate delivery and--well, let's hear your figures!" + +Alex drops his hat on the floor, but when he picked it up, he was as +cool as a dollar's worth of ice. + +"Just a minute," he says, sittin' down and reachin' for a desk +telephone. He gets the Gaflooey Company on the wire. + +"Hello!" he says. "Say--I want a lump price on fifty delivery +wagons--what?--never mind who this is, if the price is right I'll come +up." He winks at Munson like he's lettin' him in on somethin'--and, by +gravy, Munson winks back! "Yes--fifty," says Alex on the wire. +"Thirty-five thousand dollars?--thank you!" He hangs up the phone and +turns to Munson. "They'll give you twenty-five hundred off, accordin' +to that figure," he says. + +Munson grabs up a pad and writes somethin' on it. + +"There!" he says, givin' it to Alex. "Tell 'em to get as many cars +over here to-morrow as they can. Get your bill and I'll O.K. it. +Now--" he pulls his chair over closer, "About those chicks and--oh, +yes, I want your opinion on some figures I have here on my truck--" + +An hour later, me and Alex walks into the salesroom of the Gaflooey +Automobile Company. I was in a trance, and if he had of promised to +lift the Singer Buildin' with one hand I would of laid the world eight +to five he could do it! The whole place is in confusion--salesmen +chasin' around, telephonin' and actin' like they just heard they was a +bomb in the basement. Alex asks for the manager, and some guy chances +over and asks what he wants. + +"I have come for that ten thousand a year job you advertised this +mornin'," says Alex. + +"Job?" howls the manager, glarin' at him. "You poor boob, can't you +see how busy we are here now? We just got a tip on a real order--fifty +cars, and we can't trace the thing!" He rubs his hands together. +"Fifty cars! That's how the Gaflooey sells--fifty at a time!" He +sneers at Alex. "Your approach is terrible!" he says. "You'll never +land a job in this town like that, my boy. Go somewhere first and +learn how to interest a busy man with the first thing you say and--" + +"Listen!" butts in Alex. "Gimme that job, will you, or I'll have to go +somewhere else." + +The manager laughs, as a couple of salesmen come along and join him. +They all sneer at Alex and the manager nudges his minions and winks. + +"So you think you're a ten thousand dollar auto salesman, eh?" he says. +"Ah--who can you refer to?" He makes a bluff at takin' down notes. + +"Mister Munson, of the Mastadon Department Store," says Alex. + +"Ha, ha, ha!" roars the manager. "Department store, eh--that's rich! +You quit the shirtwaist department to sell autos, eh? Ha, ha, ha! +What does a department store manager know of your ability to sell +autos?" he snarls. + +"Well,--I just sold him fifty of _yours_!" remarks Alex. "So I +thought--" + +"What?" shrieks the manager, grabbin' his arm. + +Alex hands over the order Munson give him. + +"Now before I go to work here," he says, "it might be a good idea to +let me look over one of your cars, because, to tell you the truth, I +ain't never seen one of 'em in my life!" + +Well, they had Munson on the phone in a minute and in another one the +manager hangs up the receiver and comes back. + +"Do I get the job?" asks Alex. + +"Do you get the job!" yells friend manager, slappin' him on the back. +"No, you don't get it--only if you leave here without signing your name +to a five-year contract and accepting a check for fifteen hundred +dollars' commission and as much more as you want to draw on your +expense account, I'll--I'll--murder you! But first, you lunch with me +at the Fitz-Barlton and we'll map out a campaign--" + +"Gimme that eight hundred!" says Alex to me. + +I passed it over still semi-conscious. + +Alex stretches his arms, puts the money away and grins. + +"Get me that Eve girl on the phone, will you?" he tells me. "I--I had +a little bet with her, too!" He lights the cigar Buck Rice had give +him in the mornin', blows out some smoke and looks over at Broadway, +jammed with the matinée crowd. "Some burg!" he says, shakin' his head +and grinnin' at me! + + + + +CHAPTER II + +THE SELF-COMMENCER + +There's nothin' the world loves so much as a good tryer. I don't mean +the birds that havin' everything in their favor, includin' a ten-mile +start, finishes first in the Big Race--I'm talkin' about the guys that +never get better than second or third, but generally land in the money. +The old Consistent Charlies that, no matter how many times they're +beaten, figures the time to quit is when you're dead and buried! + +Did you ever stop to think that the tryers which never get nowhere is +responsible for the other guys' success? They're the babies that make +a race or a fight out of it, and if it wasn't for them dubs there'd be +no successes at all. In order to have winners, we got to have +_losers_, don't we? And don't forget that yesterday's losers are +to-morrow's winners and vice-president or vice versa, whatever it is. + +A fighter knows that these birds which come up smilin' no matter how +many times he drops 'em for the count is as dangerous as dynamite, +until he knocks 'em cold. No matter how bad this loser may be battered +up, he's always got a chance while he's tryin'. I've seen guys that +was winnin' by two miles curl up and quit before a dub they had beaten +till the crowd was yellin' for mercy, simply because this poor +bunged-up simp kept comin' in all the time--battered, bloody, drunk +with wallops--_but tryin' up to the last bell_! + +Now these guys may never get nowhere, but they're the birds that's put +most of the guys that _do_ where they are. Why? Think it over! You +gotta be _good_ to beat them birds, don't you? They make competition +keen, they keep the other guys on their toes, they're the gasoline that +keeps the old world goin' forward on high and the birds that get over +are only the chauffeurs. You gotta have both to run the car and the +universe wouldn't move forward six inches if we didn't have one failure +for every success. + +So if you've failed to set the world on fire up to date, don't walk out +on the dock to see what kind of a jump it is. If you can't be a +winner, you can be a good loser and it's a toss-up which is the bigger +thing! A guy who can beat the yellah streak we all pack somewheres, +every time he fails to register a win, and will keep rememberin' that +to-morrow has got yesterday beat eighty-seven ways, is no loser! On +paper he mightn't be a winner, but he _is_. He's a bigger winner than +the bird that gets over, because he's whipped the quit in him without +no kind applause to cheer him on. I've seen losers that attracted more +attention in runnin' _last_ than any six winners in the same precinct. + +Them kind of birds can't help tryin'. They couldn't quit if they +wanted to, which they don't! They got somethin' in 'em that keeps +shovin' 'em along whether they're regrettin' the breaks or not. +They're always full of the old ambish no matter what the score is in +the ninth. They're what you might call self-starters in the automobile +of life--they don't need a _win_ now and then to crank 'em up, they +keep goin' forward hittin' on all cylinders from the nursery to the +embalmer! + +Alex was one of them guys. + +The Big Town fell for his stuff because it was _new_, the same as it +will fall for _yours_ to-morrow if you get somethin' it never seen and +the nerve to try it out! + +About a month after Alex was workin' as head salesman for the Gaflooey +Auto Company at a pittance of ten thousand a year, he come up to the +flat for dinner one night. I seen right away that somethin' was wrong, +because he only eat about half of the roast duck and brung along his +own cigars. After nature could stand no more, and we had dragged +ourselves away from the table to let the servant girl make good, we +adjourn to the parlor and the wife gets ready to punish the neighbors +with the victrola. + +"Well," says Alex, sittin' down in the only rocker, of course, "it +looks like they have finally gimme somethin' that even _I_ can't do!" + +"Can that be possible?" I says, pickin' up the sportin' final. + +"Wait till you hear this one!" remarks the wife, crankin' up the +victrola. "John McCormack singin' 'If Beauty Was Water, You'd Be +Niagara Falls!' It's a knockout!" + +"Say!" snorts Alex, gettin' peeved. "Can't a man find no attention +here?" + +"Look in the telephone book under the A's," I says. + +"Never mind, dearie!" the wife tells him. "I'll listen. What's on +your mind?" She goes over and sits on the arm of his chair, knowin' +full well it gets my goat. + +"I see you're the only one in this family that's got any sense!" pipes +Alex, pattin' her hand. + +"Yen," I says, "I ain't got enough sense to turn on a radiator. All +I'm good for is to get the dollars, which of course is nothin' at all +in keepin' up the home!" + +"Well, you'll never have Rockefeller and that crowd gnashin' their +teeth with all the dollars you'll get!" says Alex, "and that ain't no +lie!" + +"Now, boys," butts in the wife, "let's all be friends even if we do +belong to the same family. What is it, Alex? Speak up like a man." + +"Well," he says, "the Gaflooey people has started to make tourin' cars +and roadsters! What d'ye think of that?" + +"I'm simply dumfounded!" I says. "Has Congress heard about this?" + +"There you go again!" snorts Alex. "Always tryin' to ridicule +everything I do. It's simply a case of sour grapes with you--jealousy, +that's all!" + +"Sour grapes ain't jealousy," I says. "Sour grapes is brandy. Go on +with your story, Alex." + +"Don't mind him," whispers the wife in his ear. "He'd laugh in church!" + +"Why not?" I says. "I ain't done no gigglin' since you and me first +went there together." + +"Will you let go?" she says. "Go on, Alex." + +"Well," he says, "they called me into the president's office to-day, +and the former begins by tellin' me I'm the best salesman they ever +had." + +"He don't care what he says, does he?" I butts in. "I suppose you +admitted the charge, eh?" + +"After that," goes on Alex, snubbin' me, "he tells me they have decided +to get into the pleasure car game, instead of just makin' trucks and +the like. Their first offerin' is gonna be one of them chummy, +clover-leaf roadsters which will hold five people comfortably." + +"If they're well acquainted!" I says. + +"Will you leave the boy alone?" asks the wife. "I never saw anybody +like you in my life!" + +"Don't I know it?" I says. "Otherwise, how would we ever of got +married?" + +"Now," goes on Alex, "they want me to go up and see Runyon Q. Sampson, +the well-to-do millionaire, and get him to buy the first car. You can +imagine what a terrible good advertisement that will be for us if he +should buy it, can't you?" + +"It'll be O.K. till he tries to ride in it," I says, "and then the +chances are you'll have to leave town and the Gaflooey people will be +facin' a suit!" + +"There ain't another car on the market that can hold a match to the +Gaflooey!" hollers Alex, his goat prancin' madly about. + +"What's it made out of--celluloid?" I says. + +"You may think you're funny!" he tells me, "but that's nothin' more or +less than ig'rance. Here I am wastin' valuable time tryin' to explain +somethin' to Cousin Alice and you keep interruptin' till a man don't +know where he's at! Let's see now, where was I?" he asks the wife. + +"The beautiful and good-lookin' princess had just promised to wed you," +I says, "but the crusty old king couldn't see into it!" + +The wife throws a pillow at me and it busted a vase that cost me three +hundred green certificates. After a short brawl over the remains, I +laid off Alex and he went ahead. + +"As I said before," he goes on, "the president of the Gaflooey Company +has selected me to go up and sell old Sampson this here chummy +roadster. If I land the order, which naturally enough I will, it means +I get made manager of the New York salesrooms. Then me and Eve +Rossiter will prob'ly get married and--" + +"What?" squeals the wife. "Are you and Eve engaged? And she never +said a word to me!" + +"How could she?" I says. "When he prob'ly had her doped?" + +"No, we ain't engaged," says Alex. "I ain't even asked the girl will +she be mine yet." + +"Then how do you know she'll marry you?" asks the wife. + +"Well," says Alex, "I figure if you married this here pest, I ought to +be able to marry anybody! But what I'm up against is this--I got to +take one of them roadsters up there to-day and demonstrate it to +Sampson. They have gone to work and made an appointment for me, and +what I don't know about automobiles would fill seven large libraries. +Here I'm supposed to show Mister Sampson the points on our car which is +better than any other and I can't tell the windshield from the magneto. +Now d'ye blame me for bein' worried?" + +"I thought you was the world's greatest salesman," I sneers. "You +don't mean to say this job has got you yellin' for the police already, +do you? What are you gonna do, quit?" + +"Speak English!" he comes back. "That word quit don't belong in our +language. Who said anything about quittin'? Even though I don't know +a thing about automobiles, I'm gonna sell Runyon Q. Sampson a Gaflooey +chummy roadster. A feller don't need knowledge to be a success half as +much as he needs confidence and I got more confidence than a feller +shootin' at a barn with a double-barrelled shot gun. Anyhow, I'll +betcha a rich millionaire like Sampson don't know any too much about +automobiles himself, bein' too busy with makin' money and the like, eh?" + +"I suppose you're gonna make him think that you know more about them +gas buckboards than the guy which wrote 'em, eh?" I says. + +"You'll never get nowhere!" he answers, lookin' at me like how can a +guy live and be so thick behind the ears. "You'll never be nothin' but +an average citizen, because you never get a new idea! No, I ain't +gonna make Sampson think _I_ know more about automobiles than anybody +in the world--that's what has queered many a sale. I'm gonna make him +think _he_ does, and that him buyin' our roadster proves it!" + +"I'll bet you could make Rockefeller think they wasn't a nickel in +oil!" says the wife admirin'ly. + +Alex gets up and reaches for his hat. + +"If they was enough money in it for me, I'd try it," he says, "and that +ain't no lie!" + +I didn't see Alex till the next mornin' and then he blows in the flat. + +"Hello!" he says. "Here you are as usual, loafin' away the hull +mornin'. It's almost eight o'clock, d'ye know that?" + +"Sure!" I says. "You can't get me on that one. The answer is seven +fifty-five!" + +"What d'ye mean, seven fifty-five?" he asks. + +"Ain't seven fifty-five almost eight o'clock," I says, "and didn't you +ask me if I knew it?" + +"Ain't he clever?" says the wife, pattin' me on the back. + +Alex looks at me in open disgust. + +"If that's bein' clever," he says, "I'm a professor from Harvard! +Where d'ye get that stuff?" + +"It's a gift!" I says. "What are you doin' here this hour of the day?" + +"Hurry up and git through eatin'," he says, "I want you to take a ride +with me." + +"What have you been pinched for?" I says. + +"Will you leave him be?" butts in the wife. "Don't mind him, Alex, +he'll go with you. Where are you going?" + +"Up to Runyon Q. Sampson's to sell him a Gaflooey roadster," says Alex. +"I got the car right outside now. Just wait till you git a look at it, +you'll be crazy to buy one yourself!" + +"You said it!" I tells him, puttin' on my coat. "I certainly would be +crazy if I bought one of them! Who's gonna drive this up there?" + +"I got a mechanic from the shop," says Alex. "A feller which knows so +much about automobiles that he could take a pair of pliers and a lug +wrench and go clear to Frisco with nothin' else!" + +"Not even a car, eh?" I says. "_Some_ mechanic!" + +"Be still!" says the wife. "Well, Alex, I certainly hope you have all +kinds of luck. Let me know how you make out, will you?" + +"Sure!" I tells her. "Call up police headquarters in about an hour and +you'll prob'ly be able to get all the details, right off the blotter." + +We go outside and there's the Gaflooey chummy roadster leanin' right up +against the curb. It looked like it might be a regular automobile when +it grew up, but just then it seemed like it had been snatched from the +cradle before its features was fully formed. Two of them roadsters +would of made a nice pair of roller skates and the expense for tires +must of been practically nothin', because the ones that was on it +looked like a set of washers. The body was painted yellah and the +trimmin's was in Alice blue and catsup red. + +In the front seat is this guy which Alex claimed was the world's +greatest mechanic. You could see that at a glance anyhow, because he +was dressed in a pair of overalls that had lasted him ever since he +first broke into the automobile game and he carried about three quarts +of medium oil on his face and hands. + +"Well," says Alex, throwin' out his chest, "what d'ye think old Runyon +Q. Sampson will say when he casts his eye over that, eh?" + +"You'd only get sore if I told you," I says, "but I'll say this much, +Alex. If you can sell him that mechanical toy there on the pretense +that it's an automobile, I'm goin' up to-morrow and sell him Grant's +Tomb for a paperweight!" + +"Git in," pipes Alex, "and stop knockin'!" + +"I won't have to knock after we get started--that's if we do," I tells +him, forcin' myself into the rear, "the motor will look after that!" + +Alex nudges the mechanic. + +"This here's my cousin," he tells him. "He ain't a bad feller in spite +of that." + +He turns around to me, "Joe," he says, "I want you to meet Mister Eddie +Worth, the best man on gas engines that ever burnt his hands on an +exhaust pipe!" + +"Greetin's, Eddie!" I says, shakin' hands with him and gettin' a half +pound of grease for nothin'. + +"Gimme a cigarette!" answers Eddie. "I been waitin' here an hour for +youse guys. The motor is prob'ly all cold now and the starter may +gimme an argument." + +He gets out and monkeys around the front of the car. + +"Ain't it nice and roomy back there?" Alex asks me. + +I moved my knees away from my chin so's I could talk. + +"Great!" I says. "Only the Gaflooey people is liable to get in trouble +on account of them coppin' the design from somebody else." + +"What d'ye mean?" he asks me, lookin' puzzled. + +"Well," I tells him, "you gotta admit that the seatin' arrangements +back here is a dead steal from a can of sardines!" + +"Did you ever see anything you couldn't find fault with?" he sneers. + +"Yeh," I says. "I once got three nickels in change for a dime." + +At this critical moment, the mechanic gets down on his hands and knees +in the street and begins to worry the car like a dog with a bone. Then +all of a sudden he crawls underneath it and disappears from the public +eye. A lot of shippin' clerks, bookkeepers, salesgirls, brokers, +lawyers and the like, on their way downtown to their jobs, figures that +you can go to work any day, but an auto bein' fixed calls for immediate +attention and gets around us in a circle. This seemed to get Alex's +goat, but it was huckleberry pie to the mechanic. He crawls out from +under, rolls up his sleeves, ruffles his hair, looks over the crowd and +rubs his hands together. + +"Gimme a cigarette!" he says. "And reach down in that tool box there +and hand me up them pliers, a couple of S wrenches, the hammer and a +screwdriver!" + +The crowd sighs with delight, but Alex leaps off the seat like they was +bees in the upholstery. + +"What d'ye want all them there tools for?" he yells. "Stop this monkey +business, I'm an hour late now! What's the matter with the car?" + +The mechanic looks around at the crowd and shakes his head pityin'ly. +They give Alex the laugh, and a manicure tells her friend that if she +was the mechanic she wouldn't bother with it, but would make Alex fix +it himself for gettin' so bold. + +"What's the matter with the car?" repeats the mechanic, waggin' his +head from side to side with a sarcastic movement. "It's been abused, +that's all! I ain't had time to go over it carefully; it'll have to be +towed down to the shop where we can git it up on jacks and take it +apart. I found a leak in the radiator, the bolts is missin' from the +muffler, there's a crack in the rear housin' and the clutch seems to +grind a bit." + +Alex grits his teeth and grabs hold of the windshield. + +"Is that all?" he hisses. + +"Well, not _all_, no!" says the mechanic, scratchin' his chin. "They +must be a couple of pins sheered off of the differential and the--" + +"They ain't no sich a thing!" roars Alex. "This here's a brand new +car, right from our factory--you wooden-headed fule! It ain't been run +a mile and they ain't a thing the matter with it, not even a scratch on +the paint! You was sent up here to drive this car, not to wreck it. +You--" + +"Hey, don't git to callin' me no wooden-headed fool!" hollers the +mechanic, jumpin' around and wavin' the pliers. "That's against the +union rules, and you'll get the worst of it if I bring it before the +board. They must be some mistake here. I thought you wanted me to +look over this boat for your friend here and see what it needed. How'd +I know you only wanted me to drive? I ain't no mind-reader, I'm a +mechanic and--" + +"Shut up!" says Alex; "and drive us out to Tarrytown. As a matter of +fact, the car's all right, ain't it?" + +"Certainly!" says the mechanic. "Ain't it a new one? Gimme a +cigarette and I'll see if I can get this tin can here to roll." + +It's just about eighteen miles as the pigeon soars from where we +started to Runyon Q. Sampson's country home at Tarrytown, and we fled +up there in two hours. This car was a wonder on hills, that is it's a +wonder we got up 'em at all. We climbed most of 'em with the emergency +brake on so's we wouldn't slip back to the garage, and I figured that +the car must of been painted yellah in honor of the motor, which quit +like a dog every time the goin' got rough. The mechanic drives us in +through the entrance of Sampson's domicile, as we remark at the garage, +and then stops for encouragement before goin' further. Alex elects me +to go up and notify Sampson that we're all set to show him the Gaflooey +chummy roadster, while he and the mechanic stays behind to look over +the car and see that everything is workin' fairly perfect. I got as +far as the porch and a guy in a drum-major's uneyform without the hat +nails me. He was as big as the Woolworth Buildin' and just as +emotional. He looked like what them stage butlers tries to. + +"What would you wish?" he asks, friendly as a traffic cop to a +taxi-driver. + +"Well, if I thought they was any use," I says, "I'd wish I had a +million bucks, but as it is, I'd like to see Runyon Q. Sampson, your +master." + +"Step this way!" he says, startin' to walk ahead. + +"I can't step that way!" I says, watchin' him close. "It must be a +gift. I'll have to folley you in my own way on account of havin' a +blowout in my rubber heels an--" + +Just then a little bald-headed guy with one of them short gray +mustaches which the wealthy banker wears in the movies, crosses our +path and the big feller stops and salutes him. + +"Gentleman to see you, sir," he says. + +"Hmph!" grunts Runyon Q. Sampson, which is who the little guy was, as +the gentle readers has prob'ly guessed. "I can't see any one now. I +have an appointment this afternoon to--" + +"I guess I'm that appointment," I butts in, "or part of it, anyways. +Was you expectin' to look over a Gaflooey chummy roadster?" + +"Well, what of it?" he snaps. + +"My lord, the carriage awaits!" I says, makin' a bow. "Folley me and +you'll go motorin'!" + +"Are you the agent?" he asks, as we walk back over the lawn. + +"No," I says, "I'm his cousin. He's carryin' me along for luck or +somethin'. We also have a mechanic with us in case of fire. Are you +fond of automobilin'?" + +"Much more so than of conversation!" he barks. + +"That stops me!" I says. "I'm dumb from now on. What is it who's this +says? Silence is golden, speech is human--ain't it?" + +We have reached the car by this time, and Alex steps forward. + +"Good morning, Mister Sampson!" he says. "I want to thank you for the +company and myself, for volunteering your judgment as to whether our +new model chummy roadster is a good car or not." + +Sampson walks around it a couple of times, opens the hood, looks at the +motor and sniffs. + +"It's entirely too small!" he announces. "The body is grotesque, the +paint is a horrible color and the chassis seems out of alignment." + +"Exactly what I thought you would say!" agrees Alex, noddin' his head +like Sampson had raved over the car. "We will make any changes you +suggest. After all, you'll be the one to use it and that makes you the +one to be pleased. We have custom made suits, shoes and shirts--why +not custom made automobiles?" + +"Hmph!" grunts Sampson. + +"I'll fall," I says, hopin' to break the embarrassin' silence. "Why +not?" + +"Shut up!" hisses Alex. "Would you allow us to give you a little +spin?" he asks. + +"Ha, ha!" pipes the mechanic all of a sudden. "That's a hot one, ain't +it?" he grins at Sampson. "Sure, old top, we'll give you a spin!" he +says, jabbin' the floor board with his feet. "That's if this boiler +will roll. Some of you guys will have to give the motor a little spin, +if you want to go away from here. She's gone cold on me again! Gimme +a cigarette, will you?" + +Alex presented him with a glance that would of froze boilin' oil. + +"Step right in, Mister Sampson," he says. "We'll run around the roads +here and--" + +"We'll do nothing of the sort!" snaps Sampson. "I've got to be at my +office by three o'clock and you can drive me down there. In that way +I'll be wasting no time and I can see what your car can do through +traffic as well as on the road." + +"Elegant!" says Alex. "Step right in." + +Runyon Q. Sampson steps right in and after gettin' a cigarette from me, +the mechanic steps on the gas. We run every bit of a hundred yards +across the lawn and then all of a sudden the Gaflooey roadster stops +deader than Columbus. The mechanic tried everything from blowin' the +horn to crawlin' underneath it again, but they was nothin' stirrin'. + +"Well," he says to Alex, finally, "there's only one way we can get away +from here now!" + +"What's that?" asks Alex, bendin' down so's Runyon Q. Sampson won't +hear it. + +"By freight!" says the mechanic. "It seems to me that one of them rear +axles has gone to work and busted on us." + +"Listen to me," says Alex. "Get us away from here right away and +there's ten dollars extry in it for you!" + +"Now you're talkin' sense!" says the mechanic. "Gimme a cigarette." + +He grabs up the tool box and hides himself under the car again, while +Runyon Q. Sampson begins to fidget around and look at his watch like it +was the first one he ever seen. + +Twenty minutes passed, folleyed by thirty more, and still this mechanic +is under the car, makin' sounds like he was fillin' a rush order for +tin pans. Alex is as nervous as a cop makin' his first pinch and our +friend Sampson begins sayin' things about the Gaflooey roadster that +would never of been used by the builders as testimonials. Finally, +Alex whispers to me will I get underneath and see what the world's +champion auto mechanic is doin' to while away the time. + +I got out and looked under and--Oh, boy! + +This bird is layin' on the ground under the car, readin' a dope book on +the races! He's got the book in one hand and a hammer in the other and +every now and then he reaches back and wallops the dirt pan, without +lookin', so's it'll sound like he's fixin' things up. + +"What seems to be the trouble?" I asks him. + +"I think Dimpled Dan is like money from home in the first race to-day," +he says, "provided they--what--what are you doin' here?" he winds up, +droppin' the book. + +"Git outa there!" I hollers. "If you're a mechanic, I'm Christopher +Columbus!" + +"What d'ye expect for seventy cents an hour--Edison?" he growls. + +Runyon Q. Sampson has took it all in and now he lets out a beller and +leaps from the car. + +"You infernal idiot!" he bawls at poor Alex. "You've made me miss my +appointment. What do you mean by taking up my time with this travesty +on an automobile? Why, the thing can't even move! If this is the way +it performs when it's fresh from your factory, what can a man expect +when it's a few weeks old?" + +"Maybe it ain't ripe enough yet," I butts in, hopin' to save the +situation. "It does look kinda young, don't it?" + +"Silence!" roars Runyon Q. "I wouldn't buy one of your cars if they +were selling at three cents a carload! That's final! Don't you dare +come up and bother me again. Get this pile of junk off my place here +just as fast as you can, or, by the eternal, I'll have you all arrested +for trespassing!" + +With them few remarks he stamps off across the lawn, bellerin' like a +bull. + +"Well, Alex," I says, "at last you have hit somethin' in little old New +York that you can't do, eh?" + +"That old boob gimme a pain anyways!" remarks the mechanic. "What does +he know about machinery? Gimme a cigarette!" + +Alex sits down on the runnin' board of the Gaflooey chummy roadster and +lights a cigar. He puffs away, lookin' off in the air kinda sad and +mournful, like he had just been handed a wire readin', "Father has told +all. We are lost.--Agnes," or somethin' to that effect. Even though +he was a relative of the wife's and had spent every minute since he hit +New York confessin' to bein' a world beater, I felt sorry for him! +Runyon Q. Sampson was off the Gaflooey people for life, and Alex had +fell down on the biggest thing he'd tried yet. I knew how he must of +felt about it, so I went over and slapped him on the back. + +"Cheer up, Alex," I says. "I know that was a tough one to lose, but a +guy can't finish in front all the time! You know you ain't up in dear +old Vermont now and this town's much harder to beat than the average. +I told you that when you first come here. I knowed it was only a +question of time before you'd hit the bumps--everybody does sooner or +later in New York--and then you--" + +Alex gets up and throws away the cigar. + +"All I hope," he says. "All I hope is that the one they deliver to him +works all right!" + +"Deliver to who?" I says. + +"Runyon Q. Sampson!" he comes back. "I come up here to sell that +feller a Gaflooey chummy roadster and that's what I'm a goin' to dew! +I'll have his check before the end of the week. I don't know how I'm +gonna do it now, but in some way this here sale is gonna occur, you can +gamble on that! D'ye think a little thing like this can discourage me? +Why if the car had exploded and blowed us all up in the air while we +was sittin' in it, I would of sold Sampson the speedometer for a watch +before we had hit the ground again!" He turns around on the mechanic +and rolls up his sleeves. "The faster you git away from here, the +longer you'll live!" he snarls. "What art was you follerin' before you +took up automobiles?" + +"Well, to be on the level with you," says the mechanic, "I was second +man in a cigar store on Twenty-third Street. I got fired because me +and the cash register could never agree on the day's receipts. I seen +an ad for a mechanic at the Gaflooey service station and I got took on +there as a helper. A feller has got to do something don't he? Gimme a +cigarette." + +Alex makes a dash for him, but I hold him back. + +"Fade!" I warns him. "You're gettin' away with murder as it is, and if +I let this bird go they's no tellin' what'll happen to you!" + +"What do I get for my mornin's work, heh?" he hollers. + +"You're gettin' immunity!" I says. "Beat it!" + +"All right!" he snarls. "I oughta knowed I'd only get the worst of it +goin' out on a job with a coupla boobs like you guys. This feller +claims he's a salesman, hey? Well, I'll lay the world eight to five he +couldn't sell ice cream sodas in Hades! Gimme a ciga--" + +Alex throws the tool box at him, and he blows. + +While we're standin' there tryin' to figure out some way to get this +chummy roadster to make good, a guy steps out from behind a hedge and +joins our little party. He had just about passed the votin' age and he +wore a raincoat with one of them cute little belts around it, a +dare-devil soft hat and carried a suitcase. His feet dragged like they +wasn't used to such heavy exercise as walkin' and he steps in front of +us with a cigarette droopin' outa the corner of his mouth. + +"Pardon me," he yawns. "Are you having some difficulty with the car?" + +"Oh, fluently!" I says. "You must be a fortune teller. Some +difficulty is right! We been attemptin' to get away from here all +mornin' and it's the same as makin' the Russians think the Czar was a +good feller--there's nothin' doin'. I don't think the motor is tryin' +and--" + +He sets down the suitcase and yawns some more. + +"I know something about autos," he says. "Have a couple of my own and +occasionally I have to fuss around 'em a bit. Do you mind if I look at +the motor?" + +"We'd just love it!" I says. "Go to it." + +He opens the hood, yawns a coupla times and monkeys around for a minute. + +"Try her now," he says. + +Alex gets in and pushes a button with his foot. + +I don't know what this handsome stranger did, but whatever else it was, +it was a success, because the motor immediately begins to tear holes in +the peace and quiet of the surroundin' country. + +"She'll be all right as soon as she warms up now," says our savior. +"The gas was disconnected--coupling jolted off evidently--and one of +the cylinders was missing. Must have given you trouble on hills, +what?" he yawns some more. "Nice little bus," he says, "and, now, I +wonder if you'd do a favor for me?" + +"I only got four bucks on me," I says, "but you're welcome to that if +you can use it." + +He grins. + +"It isn't money," he says. "It's something more important than that." + +"Fudge!" says Alex. "There ain't no sich thing in this town!" + +"Yes there is!" says the newcomer, steppin' back to a hedge, "and here +it is!" + +With that, out steps the Venus de Milo wearin' both arms and a set of +scenery that must of enabled some Fifth Avenue store to move over to +Easy Street. She looked like what the press agents claim is in the +chorus of every musical comedy that hits Broadway and she's wearin' +enough diamonds to have keep the Alleys in tooth powder. After I had +got over bein' dazzled by the first look, I give her the East and West +again and recognize her. She's nothin' less than Margot Meringue, the +big movie star. + +"I'm Arnold Sampson," says the young feller, "and this is Mrs. Arnold +Sampson. My wife was formerly--" + +"I know," I butts in, "I seen her the week before last with the missus +in Marvelous Margot's Mistake. She was vampirin' around and--" + +"How did you like me?" smiles Margot. + +"Well," I says, "we seen the pitcher three times runnin'--is that good +enough?" + +"We have just been married," goes on Arnold, throwin' out what chest he +had with him. + +"Congratulations!" pipes Alex, shakin' his hand. + +"Pretty soft!" I says, doin' the same. + +"I saw you and father in the car here," explains Arnold, "and as you +appear to be friends of his, I wonder if you'd come up to the house +with us? Father is less liable to make a scene, if there is some one +else present. You see, he doesn't know that we're married as yet." + +Alex suddenly looks interested and nudges me to keep quiet. + +"I can see the whole thing in a nutshell," he says. "Your father +objects to you--oh--now--marryin' an actress, heh?" + +"No," yawns Arnold. "In this case the traditional is reversed. My +father objects to the actress marrying me!" he bows to Margot. "He is +personally quite fond of my wife and his objection is based solely upon +his own unflattering opinion of me. He declares I'll never be able to +support Mrs. Sampson in the manner she is accustomed to living, as her +income is something like fifty thousand a year. Father allows me a +bare five thousand and he refuses to increase it until I go to work in +his office, or something equally as silly. Can you imagine anything +more idiotic than that? Dad is worth millions and he expects me to +work!" + +"What an inhuman parent!" says Alex. "What have you got against work?" + +"My dear fellow," says Arnold, "I don't really know. I don't seem able +to get enthusiastic about it--that's all. I wouldn't mind going down +to Dad's office and toying with an adding machine or driving nails in +packing cases, but I'm sure I'd fall asleep on the job, or something +idiotic like that! You might say I lack the urge," he yawns and grins. +"I guess I wasn't built to hustle. I haven't got the pep, as we used +to say at--" + +"Listen!" butts in Alex, his eyes beginnin' to glitter. "You was built +the same as anybody else, only thinner. I know what's the matter with +you--c'mere, I'll show you!" He takes Arnold by the arm and leads him +over to the Gaflooey chummy roadster. "D'ye see that automobile +there?" he says. "Look at it. What is it--nothin' but a pile of metal +and wood! It can't talk, it can't think--but it's got a little button +down there in the dash and when you push it, that car will keep on +runnin' till the gasoline gives out or it hits a tree! That button's +called a self-commencer and that's what you need! Ain't there no +buttons up in your head that you can push and get yourself goin'? Is +that pile of metal better than you? You can go down now and take a job +where you won't get your hands dirty, but if your Dad hadn't been a +self-starter fifty years ago, _you'd_ be callin' a Wop foreman 'Boss' +to-day and likin' it!" + +Arnold stops yawnin' and looks interested, where he don't look mad. +Margot nods her head and puts her hand on his arm. + +"Arnold dear," she says, "he's right! It's time you did try to do +something, especially now. I don't want to lecture you, dear, but--" + +"I don't know whether he's right or not," says Arnold, "but I do know +that extraordinary speech of his has me thinking. Also, it sounded +great to me and there's no reason why it shouldn't sound just as great +to Dad! He loves that sort of thing and I'm going up and repeat it, +word for word! I'm going to tell him we're married and that I'll start +to work for him whenever he likes. I can try it, anyhow!" + +Margot looks at Alex like she would kiss him if it wasn't for the looks +of the thing, and Alex whispers in my ear that the Gaflooey roadster is +as good as sold. We all got in it--it was runnin' like a watch +now--and roll up to the house. The newly-weds goes inside, while me +and Alex stays out on the porch, and in about half an hour they come +out again, bringin' old Runyon Q. Sampson with 'em. The old gent walks +over to Alex and holds out his hand. + +"My boy," he says, "I want to thank you for what you've done to this +cub of mine. I don't know what you told him, but he's a different +person from the time I saw him last. He sounds like a real man, now! +I'm going to do something for you in return. I won't buy one of these +infernal cars of yours, wouldn't have it for a gift! But, if you'll +tell me what your commission on the sale would have amounted to, I'll +write you a check for that figure." + +Margot looks at Alex, and then she looks at the car. + +"Why, I think its a perfect dear!" she says, "and those colors real +harmony itself!" + +Alex bounces forward, his eyes glitterin' again. + +"We were thinkin' of callin' this model the Margot Meringue," he says, +"and--" + +"Come, come!" interrupts old Runyon Q., "let's straighten this matter +up." He takes out his check book and fountain pen. "I want to take +you children down to Tiffany's and have Margot pick out a suitable +wedding gift. We have--" + +"May I have anything I want?" asks Margot, kinda innocent. + +"Of course you can!" beams the old boy, pinchin' her cheek. + +"Then buy me a Gaflooey chummy roadster!" she says. "I think this one +is a perfect love of a car!" + +Oh, boy! + +Alex tries to look unconcerned, but he couldn't help droppin' his hat. +The old man coughs and gets red in the face, but he was game. + +"All right!" he snorts at Alex. "You win. You can say you're the only +man that ever got the best of Runyon Q. Sampson! What's the amount?" + +I went into the office of the Gaflooey Company with Alex when he went +back and the president is waitin' for him with blood in his eye. + +"You needn't begin your excuses!" he says to Alex. "The mechanic has +told me how you made a mess of everything and Sampson refused to buy +the car. I didn't think they made any ten-thousand-a-year-men up in +Vermont when I hired you, but I took a chance. New York's too big for +you fellows; I guess you were only a flash in the pan! Just think what +it would have meant had you sold the car to old Sampson! Why, the +advertising alone would--" + +"I guess you're right about me bein' a flash in the pan," butts in +Alex, "but I found another pan! I don't know whether this is any good +for advertisin' or not, but I sold that chummy roadster to Sampson and +he has give it to his daughter-in-law for a weddin' gift." + +The president jumps from his chair, very light for a man of his heft. + +"Great!" he hollers, "great!" He looks at Sampson's check which Alex +hands over. "I knew you'd do it! I saw you had the stuff in you the +minute you first walked in this office. That's the place to get first +string men--right from the country, and Vermont has furnished more than +her share. They told me you'd fall down because New York was too big +for you, but I knew different. They can't fool me when it comes to +judging men! I'll get our advertising men right to work on this copy, +and we'll hit the morning papers with it. This is great! Now if +Sampson's daughter-in-law was only in the public eye, know what I mean, +this would be wonderful! We've had a man after Margot Meringue for a +month, but she's away somewhere. You probably won't know her; she's a +big movie star and we'd _give_ her a car if she'd only endorse it. +Why, if we landed her--" + +"That's who Sampson give the car to," says Alex. "His son and her just +got wed and he give her the Gaflooey roadster for a weddin' gift. How +about that New York manager job--do I get it?" + +"Do you get it!" shrieks the president. "Why, say--you're _it_, right +now!" + +"That's fine!" says Alex. "I'll take the job the day after to-morrow!" + +"I see!" says the president, breakin' his neck tryin' to make himself a +good fellah. "You want a day off after your labors, eh?" + +"No!" says Alex, "I got to go out and see Sampson again to-morrow, +because havin' give this roadster to his daughter-in-law, naturally +he'll need one for hisself now!" + + + + +CHAPTER III + +PLAY YOUR ACE! + +This here combination that opens the door to success is a funny +thing--everybody's lookin' for it and everybody's got it! Some guys +knows just where to put their hands on it when they get the big chance +to crack the safe of fame and as a result they become boss bankers or +boss bricklayers--either of which is a trick and hard to do. Other +guys forget the first three numbers or somethin' and never get better +than John Smiths in the telephone book of life. + +It takes speed to get a baseball from the pitcher to the catcher, but +it's _control_ that puts the pill over the plate, which may be the +answer to why John D. Rockefeller ain't payin' _you_ rent and you got +your first time to be elected president of anything, from the dear old +U. S. A. to the Red Carnation Social Club. Instead of sittin' around +knockin' winners every time the papers print a new one, give yourself +the once over and see if you can find out what _your_ trick is. You +may only be able to wiggle your left ear funnier than anybody on the +block--Great! _Cash on it_! It's a cinch you can do _somethin',_ and +once you find out what that somethin' is, the rest is as easy as +fallin' off Pike's Peak! + +No--easier! Because you gotta climb Pike's Peak before you can fall +off. You may be a guy like Hector Sells, which started life with a +straight flush, and played it like it was a pair of deuces. If +somebody hadn't peeped over his shoulder, seen what he held and played +it for him, Hector would still be thinkin' that the only guy in the +world drawin' over twenty bucks a week was J. P. Morgan. As it is, +Hector has $2.75 right now for every wave in the ocean, and when you go +to see him, you become acquainted with all the office boys in the world. + +Here's the answer. + +One night after dinner the wife and I are provin' to each other that +the road of true love is rough and full of detours, when they's a ring +at the bell. We practised self-denial and laid off scrappin' long +enough for friend wife to open the door. I made a bet with myself and +win easy. In comes Alex. + +"Huh!" he says. "Is they an argument goin' on here again?" + +"You said it!" I tells him. "Come on in, you're just in time. We'll +make it three-handed!" + +"I don't know why you got married when you're always quarrelin'," he +says, sittin' down. + +"That ain't all you don't know!" I says. + +"Kindly lay off my cousin," says the wife. "They ain't no use in +showin' the world that I have married a brute!" + +With that she presses four dollars' worth of Irish lace against her +eyes and develops a cold in the head. So the same as usual, I went +over and patted her on the shoulder which was shakin' the most. + +"You win, honey!" I says, with a dollar's worth of vaseline on every +word. "I'll never speak another harsh word to you or Alex again. The +next time I feel sarcastic, I'll go out in the kitchen and have some +words with the cat. Everybody in the apartment house knows what I +think of _you_, and I must be _wild_ over Alex or he'd never be in this +flat a second time. If--" + +"Never mind the salve!" cuts in the wife. "You'd talk your way out of +pneumonia!" + +But they was a smile went with that--the same giggle that used to make +'em fight for standin' room in the Winter Garden. So we was all happy +and carefree again, with the exception of Alex. + +"You're too easy with him!" he growls to the wife, disappointed because +peace had come. "If you'd punish him, he'd be a better husband." + +"She does punish me somethin' cruel!" I says. "By invitin' _you_ up +every day!" + +And then of course all bets was off and we all went over the top again! + +In about an hour, the people in the next flat had enough, and mentioned +the fact to the landlord. He let us in on it by way of the phone, and +all was quiet along the Hudson again. + +"I come up here to-night to tell you somethin'," says Alex. + +"They's always the United States mail," I says. + +"I ain't talkin' to you, I'm speakin' to Cousin Alice!" snarls Alex. + +"She can read too!" I says. + +"I been thinkin' this here thing over for weeks," he goes on, turnin' +his chair so's I can get a good view of his back, "and I made up my +mind to-day to go ahead with it." + +"What is it, Alex?" asks the wife, all excited. "I know it's goin' to +be somethin' wonderful!" + +"You ain't gonna tell me you're gonna stop eatin' here, are you?" I +says. "Because if you are, I'm gonna beat it! I heard tell of guys +dyin' of joy and I ain't takin' no chances!" + +"The whole trouble with you," says Alex, "is a simple case of jealousy. +You was born and brung up in this rube burg called New York and the +best you could do in thirty-five years was to get yourself foreman of a +baseball team! I--" + +"Yeh!" I butts in. "I fell down the same as Caruso. All he can do is +sing!" + +"I come here from Vermont," goes on Alex, now on his favorite subject, +"and right off the reel I get me a ten thousand a year job, not +countin' commissions, sellin' autos. Now I claim that what _I_ did in +New York can be done by anybody--and I'm here to prove it! It's just +as easy to be a roarin' success in New York as it is in Paterson, N. +J.--and just as hard! There's many a Charlie Chaplin sellin' groceries +and many a Theodore Roosevelt carryin' bricks! In their off hours and +in the privacy of their homes, them fellers is doin' for _nothin'_, +what Chaplin, Roosevelt, Dempsey and so forth got _paid off_ on! If a +man's a gambler, for instance, and he bets on a race horse, the chances +are he stays up all night lookin' up the past performances of that +horse and seein' just what he can do under all conditions. He studies +how the horse finished on a muddy track and where he come in when the +track was fast. He makes note of what the horse did under different +weights and different jockeys. He watches what it does against certain +other horses. Then when he thinks everything is favorable, he bets his +money! He--" + +"Look here, Alex!" I butts in. "Did you come all the way up here +to-night to lay me on a horse race?" + +"No!" he snorts, in disgust, "I come up here to lay you on _yourself_! +If this same man that studies the dope before he bets on a horse, would +study the dope on _himself_ with the same attention to detail, before +he enters the handicap of life--he'd be a winner! He wouldn't have to +bet on no horses or nothin' else, because he'd be his own best bet! +He'd find out what his particular ace was and play it to the limit +every time! Instead of that, the average feller spends his time +sittin' in the greatest game in the world--life--drawin' five cards +every time and waitin' for the royal flush to be dealt him pat. He--" + +"My goodness, Alex!" remarks the wife, "I didn't know you was a +gambler. Where did you learn all those poker terms?" + +"He once claimed casino was vicious, too!" I says. + +Alex gets up and reaches for his hat. + +"There ain't no use talkin' to people which has checked their brains +with the hat boy!" he says. "But before I go, I wanna tell you this. +Every man has got the key to his own success buried in him somewhere, +and I'll bet I can take the champion dub of any given precinct and make +him a winner the minute I find out where he hid _his_!" + +"Let's go to the movies, instead of fightin' like cats and dogs," +remarks the wife, puttin' on her handbag. + +"Yes!" sneers Alex, "let's go to the movies and knock the leadin' man +because he's gettin' $30,000 a year, and let's explain to each other +how he's gettin' away with murder and ain't got a thing but his looks. +That's much better than sittin' down and figurin' how we can make the +same amount of money, if we--" + +"Look here, Alex!" I interrupts, gettin' a trifle peeved. "You took me +for eight hundred berries when you first invaded New York and, sucker +like, I'm lookin' for a come-back. Are you on the level with that +stuff about you bein' able to put _anybody_ over if you get in their +corner?" + +"Am I on the level with it?" he says. "Why, say!--I'm goin' in the +_business_ of makin' successes outa dubs! I'm gonna take 'em one by +one, put 'em over and charge a reasonable percentage for my work. I'm +sick and tired of the automobile game and I'm gonna incorporate myself +as Alex Hanley, S. D." + +"What's the S. D. for?" I asks. "South Dakota?" + +"No--Success Developer!" he says. "I ain't selfish--I put myself over +and now I'm gonna put 'em _all_ over! At the same time, as I say, I'll +charge a reasonable sum for my work. Why this is bigger business than +Wall Street, makin' men instead of breakin' 'em and--" + +"Stop talkin' for a second, Alex," I says, "and get a new sensation! I +got an idea of what that reasonable charge of yours will be, that's +provided your scheme works, which it prob'ly won't. If you cause a guy +to make himself twenty dollars, your fee won't exceed a hundred and +fifty! You're as liberal with money as Grant's Tomb is with advice. +But if you're on the level with this, I'll bet you a thousand bucks, +American money, to five hundred of the same coinage, that you'll flop +like a seal on your first try. They's only one thing you gotta do!" + +"What is it?" he asks. He was thinkin' of them thousand bucks and his +eyes sparkled till you could of hocked 'em anywheres for five hundred +apiece. + +"You gotta let _me_ pick the first victim!" I says. + +"Not to change the subject," remarks the wife to me, "if you got a +thousand dollars for purposes of bettin', they's a ring in Tiffany's +window which will come here to-morrow escorted by a C.O.D. bill. The +price and one thousand dollars is the same." + +"Do you think I print this money myself?" I hollers. + +"I would of married you long ago if I did!" she says, smilin' sweetly. + +"Think of a man mean enough to argue about money with his lovin' wife!" +sneers Alex. + +"If _you_ was married," I says, "your wife would think they had stopped +the circulation of all money, with the exception of nickels!" + +"Ha! Ha!" he sneers, like a movie villain. "I just give Eve Rossiter +an engagement ring that can be _pawned_ for eight hundred men!" + +"I think you're four flushin'," I hollers, gettin' warmed up, "but you +can't hang nothin' on me! You go down to Tiffany's, honey," I tells +the wife, "and get that thousand buck ring--but put up a battle for it +at $750!" + +The wife pulls her million-dollar smile and gimme a chaste salute, as +the guy says, on the forehead. Then she opens her sea-goin' handbag +and takes somethin' out. + +"Here it is, dear!" she says, with the giggle that made me a married +man, "I knowed you'd fall, so I got it this morning! It was only $987. +Ain't I the great little buyer?" + +Oh, boy! + +"Well," I says to Alex, "it seems to be the open season for takin' me. +Does that bet go?" + +"It does!" he says, rubbin' his hands together like a crap shooter. + +"And I produce the first candidate for fame and fortune?" + +"Bring him on!" he grins, winkin' at the wife--a thing he knows I +loathe. + +We shook hands on it and I went out into the kitchen to laugh it over +with the cat. I'm a soft-hearted boob and I hate to take a sucker, at +that. But accordin' to my dope, that dough of friend Alex's was the +same as in the bank in my name! + +Now the bird I had in mind to make me win this bet from Alex was a +pitcher I had on the payroll who's name was Hector Sells. He would of +been just as rotten a ball player if his name had been First Base, +Center Field or Short Stop. He could do everything in the world with a +baseball, with the slight exception of gettin' it over the plate, and, +when he pitched, his main difficulty was keepin' the pill outa left +field. In the seven years he had been stealin' wages from my club his +twirlin' percentage read like the thermometer in Alaska and when he +come to bat, as far as he ever found out, first base was in Berlin. I +put him on the third base coachin' line one afternoon and he tries to +send a runner back to second when the batter triples. I tried this guy +out at every position on the team and he made so many errors that the +official scorers went out and bought addin' machines every time he +appeared in the line-up. If they was anything on earth connected with +the game of baseball that Hector could do, he never showed it to me, +and puttin' a uneyform on him was the same as givin' a blind man a pair +of opera glasses. + +Yet with all this, that guy thought he was the greatest baseball player +that ever laid hold of a glove. He not only thought it, he _conceded_ +it. + +For the past year, Hector had played out the schedule from the dugout, +with the exception of six games he pitched against the Athletics. He +lost an even six. I sent him to every flag station in North America +where they looked on baseball as a game, and Hector would come back at +the end of the season with his suit case jammed full of unconditional +releases. Him and pneumonia was just as easy to get rid of as far as I +was concerned and we started off every season with Hector in our midst. + +Three winters in succession I loaned that guy enough dough to set +himself up in business, so's he'd lay off me and watch the pastime from +the grandstand. He lost a cigar store shootin' craps, a pool room +bettin' with the customers and a delicatessen because he eat all the +stock himself. I got him a job on the road sellin' sportin' goods, and +the only thing he sold all year was a pitcher's glove at $1.25. He +bought that himself. + +Now the thing is--why did I keep a guy like that on my club for the +lengthy space of seven years? The newspaper birds claimed Hector had +seen me murder somebody or somethin', because they says I wouldn't let +him in a ball park with a ticket, if he didn't have _somethin'_ on me +that must be kept from the world at any price. Well, it wasn't nothin' +like that--but it was somethin' just as good, as the grocer says. Me +and Hector was kids together in the same ward, and when we started out +to dumfound the world, he had a bankroll which his beloved father left +him and I had nothin' but freckles. I practically lived off that guy +till me and real money became well acquainted, so I couldn't see him +get the worst of it now. It would of broke his heart if he ever got +shoved outa organized baseball--he was a maniac about the game! So +Hector drawed his dough every season, come what may--and at that I was +doin' no more than he did for me. + +I managed to keep him busy in some way about the park--always with a +uneyform on--and now and then I let him pitch an innin' when we had the +game locked away in the safe deposit vault. In all the seven years, he +never missed a single day showin' up at the park and he was the +rottenest ball player that ever stood under a shower. Them was +Hector's two records! + +Well, I dragged Alex out to the ball park the next day and pointed out +Hector to him. We was playin' St. Looey and along around the sixth +innin' we had the game sewed up so tight that they couldn't of won it +in a raffle. I took out Harmon and sent Hector in to pitch. + +"Gaze over this bird carefully, Alex!" I says, "because he's the baby +you're gonna pay off on! I claim you are now peerin' at the champion +dub of the world. If you can make a winner outa him or discover what +he has failed to develop that would make him one, I'll not only pay my +end of our bet with a grin, but I'll throw in a weddin' chest of silver +for you and Eve Rossiter!" + +"Write that down!" says Alex; "and sign your full name to it!" + +"You don't think I'd welsh on you, do you?" I says, gettin' sore. + +"I don't know if they's enough ink in this or not," he answers, handin' +me a fountain pen. "Write it on the back of this card." + +When the crowd sees Hector strollin' out to the box, they give him his +usual reception, which was the same as the Kaiser would have got if +he'd walked down Broadway along in April, 1917. The first guy up for +St. Looey hit a roller through the box and Hector stood on his left +shoulder tryin' to pick it up. The runner only got as far as second +before Hector arose. The next guy put a neat round hole in the right +field fence, makin' it two runs. Well, before it was three out they +had got four more and the only guy connected with the St. Looey team +that didn't get a hit was the owner. They only quit slammin' the pill +because they had batted themselves sick and could no longer stagger up +to the plate. + +Hector comes to bat in the next innin' with the bases as full as a +miner on pay night. He lets two go by, right in the slot, and he fell +down skinnin' his nose, swingin' at the next for the third and last +strike. + +I removed him by hand and sent in a ball player to pitch the rest of +the game. + +"Well, Alex," I says on the way home, "what do you think of your +patient?" + +"Is he as bad as that every day?" he asks me. + +"No," I says. "He was Ty Cobb and Walter Johnson to-day, alongside of +what he usually is!" + +"Hmmph!" grunts Alex. "I can see he ain't a ball player, anyway." + +"You been readin' 'Sherlock Holmes,'" I says. + +"Baseball ain't everything!" declares Alex, rubbin' his nose. "And the +point we have to consider is--what _can_ he do?" + +"That's easy!" I says. "How much is seven from seven?" + +"Why--nothin'," says Alex. + +"That's Hector!" I says. + +With that I told him Hector's pedigree from the time he crossed my path +when an infant, to date. I left out nothin' and laid it on good and +thick. I explained how Hector had been the world's most consistent +failure from the time he had been introduced as "It's a boy!" up to the +time of writin' and when I got all through, Alex grins like a wolf. + +"A most promisin' case!" he says. "This here's somethin' that's gonna +put me on my mettle, right at the start. The tougher a thing looks, +the more appetizin' it strikes me! Now I'll take it for granted that +this man's got no _strong_ points. All right--that's nothin' but a +detail! You've told me a lot of hard things about him, but you ain't +said he ain't human--and if he's human he's got a _weakness_! A +well-developed weakness in a man has often been turned into glitterin' +gold. Does he drink?" + +"Let's save time," I says. "Hector don't know whether whiskey and beer +is drinks, or the battery for to-day's game. He couldn't tell you +offhand whether tobacco was a thing to chew and smoke or the latest fox +trot. The only woman he ever met twice was his mother, and he thinks +sayin' 'Darnation!' in earnest is the same as homocide. His only love +is baseball and his only weakness is his stomach!" + +"Aha!" says Alex. "I knew we'd get at it! He's fond of food, eh?" + +"Fond of it?" I says. "Why, this guy can do more things with a steak +than Edison can do with a pint of electricity! He took me to a dinner +he cooked himself one night and the only thing I recognized on the +table was the water. Everything was fixed up after his own recipes and +at the drop of a hat he can tell you how many of them calories and +proteins they is in a pea!" + +"That's enough!" hollers Alex. "He's as good as over right now! He +simply picked the wrong trade when he took up baseball, and I'll get +him a job as chef in one of the famous hotels so--" + +"Don't make me laugh!" I cuts him off. "Would I of bet you, if it was +as easy as that? They ain't a chance on earth--I thought of that years +ago. Hector wouldn't boil water for money--he only cooks that stuff up +for himself. He--" + +"A true artist, eh?" says Alex, kinda thoughtful. "That makes it all +the better! Bring him up for dinner to-morrow night and let me study +him. In a week I'll collect that little bet from you and then I'll be +ready to take on the next case." + +"You certainly stand well with yourself, don't you?" I sneers. "Well, +lemme give you a little tip. Don't try to get that bird to give up +baseball, because they ain't a Chinaman's chance of that! The only +chance you got is to put him over as a ball player, and if _you_ can do +_that_, I can sell electric fans to the Esquimaux!" + +"Bring him up to-morrow night," says Alex, grinnin' like a wolf. "This +looks like a cinch to me!" + +I went to Hector in the clubhouse the next afternoon. He had had a +hard day playin' the White Sox--from the bench. + +"Where are you goin' to-night?" I asks him. + +He flushes up a bit. + +"Well, Mac," he says, "I have finally found a joint where they know how +to cook 'em without abusin' 'em and I was figurin' on goin' there +first, so--" + +"Cook what?" I butts in. + +"Alligator pears!" he says. "Y'know they is a lot of nourishment in +them babies when they're properly prepared and--" + +"You'll be around at that beanery _to-morrow_ night!" I shuts him off. +"To-night you're comin' up and have dinner with me." + +He gets one shade redder. + +"Why," he stammers, "Ahumph! That--er--that's terrible fine of you, +Mac, but on the level, I--y'know this place is the only one in New York +where they can cook them things and I'm a hound after them! I--" + +"Come on!" I says. "We're gonna give the subway a play. The wife's +expectin' you and I got a friend that's crazy to meet you. Are you +gonna throw me down?" + +He backs away and ruffles his hair. + +"Mac," he says, "I'll have dinner with you to-night on one condition!" + +"Shoot!" I says. + +"Well, Mac," he tells me, "they ain't no doubt in my mind that your +wife is some cook, but if I'm gonna eat this stuff--I--well, I demand +the privilege of cookin' it!" + +"Where d'ye get that stuff?" I says. "Why--" + +"Lemme do this, Mac," he says, "and you'll never regret it. I can hang +it on any chef in New York for money and you'll eat the greatest meal +you ever got outside of in your life!" + +Well, this was new stuff to me, but I figured I was gonna get five +hundred bucks outa it by way of Alex, so I fell. + +"All right!" I says. "Come up and cook your head off. I'm game! But +if you're as good a cook as you are a ball player, I can see where me +and the wife suspends friendly relations for about a year!" + +Alex is already on hand when we get to the house and I introduced him +to Hector. + +"Howdy!" he says. "I seen you pitch the other day and I must say it +was a treat! The support they give you was brutal or you'd of shut +them other fellers out with ease." + +"You know it!" says Hector. "If they's any one thing I can do, it's +play baseball. That's my dish!" + +The wife horns in. + +"I'm so glad to meet you, Mister Sells," she says, givin' Hector the +old oil. "My husband talks of nothin' but you night and day!" + +Which was true--only not the way she meant it. + +"That's fine!" says Hector. "Me and Mac has been friends since they +burnt Rome. Where's the kitchen?" + +I showed him, and the wife shakes her head as much as to say, "Another +rummy, eh?" I steered Hector over to the ice box and told him to go +ahead and run wild. When I come out, Alex is featurin' his famous +grin, and I gotta show the wife my breath. In about ten minutes the +kitchen door opens and Hector's head pops out. His hands is full of +flour and so's his suit for that matter, but his face is all lit up +like Coney Island. + +"I don't wanna be no bother, Mrs. Mac," he pipes, "but could a man get +a apron around here?" + +We got him inside of some gingham, and he disappeared into the kitchen +again. + +"Where d'ye get them birds?" says the wife, noddin' after him. + +"Sssh!" says Alex. "That feller there is gonna make us all rich before +the month is over! We'll have more money than we can count and--" + +"Oh, won't that be grand!" says the wife, who'd believe Alex if he told +her Missouri started the war. "Then I can have everything I want." + +"I thought _that_ happened when you got _me_," I says. + +"Still," she sighs, payin' me no attention as usual, "money ain't +everything." + +"No," says Alex, "but it'll get it!" + +"We always was used to money," goes on the wife, gettin' kinda doped +under the influence of the sweet and savory odors which was comin' from +the kitchen. "You know, Alex, that our family was connected with the +best people in Vermont." + +"They ain't got a thing on a telephone operator," I says. "They get +connected with the best people in the United States every day!" + +I don't get a tumble from either of them. + +"There was Great-uncle Ed," proceeds the wife, kinda dreamy. "If he +hadn't died so sudden, he'd of been worth a million." + +I tried my luck again. + +"That's the one that turned out to be a carbolic acid fiend, ain't it?" +I says. + +At this point, the greatest meal that ever played a date at our flat, +come outa the kitchen escorted by Hector. One whiff of that layout and +the greatest chef in the world would of gone out and bought a revolver. +Hector is nothin' but smiles. + +"Give this a whirl!" he says. "And lemme know what you think of it. I +didn't have much to work with--only lamb chops, vegetables and the +like, but I did what I could." + +Oh, boy!--that was _some_ feed! Conversation lagged a bit for about +half a hour, while we fell to and demolished this stuff, and Hector +swells up like a human yeast cake under the kind words that come his +way. Finally, we had to quit eatin' for lack of further accommodations +and the wife tells Hector that they ain't no doubt about it, as a cook +he wins the garage. + +"Oh, that's nothin'," he says; gettin' an attack of modesty. "I'm +kinda fussy about my food and I been figurin' out different ways of +cookin' up stuff to get the best outa it, for years. That's the only +amusement I got. I ain't so much as a cook, but you oughta see me play +ball, heh, Mac?" + +The old glitter comes into Alex's eyes. + +"I seen you play ball, Mister Sells," he says, "and you are a knockout! +But what you just said about food interests me more. I'm kinda odd +regardin' vittles myself and what I seen in the paper to-day has got me +worried sick." + +"What was that?" says Hector. + +"Well," says Alex, "there's gonna be a fearful shortage of all kinds of +meats and vegetables, because all the available food in the U. S. is +about to be seized for the army. This time next year we'll all prob'ly +be livin' on bread and water and lucky to get it!" + +Hector gets as white as precipitated chalk. + +"You don't mean it!" he gasps, gettin' half outa his chair. + +"It's a fact," says Alex. "I was only readin' it this mornin'." + +I thought Hector was gonna fall dead at our feet. + +"But--but what am _I_ gonna do?" he says, kinda dazed. + +"What are _you_ gonna do?" I sneers. "What are we _all_ gonna do?" + +"You don't get me!" he says. "It's all well enough for you guys which +can eat common ordinary food like ham and eggs and steaks and chops, +but I can't _go_ that stuff! All the time I ain't out at the ball park +I'm experimentin' with different kinds of stuff to eat, and if they go +to work and shut off all them rare vegetables and so forth on me--well, +I don't eat, that's all!" + +He gets up and reaches for his hat. + +"Well," says Alex, "I can see that you and me is pretty much alike. I +can't eat porterhouse steaks and French lamb chops as a steady diet, +either! My stomach craves them rare dishes the same as yours does, and +it sure looks like you and me is gonna starve to death when this food +conservation thing goes through!" + +Hector slaps his hands together and squares his jaw. + +"_I_ ain't gonna starve!" he says. "They has got to be 1,500 calories +and a amount of proteins in proportion go into my system every day. +Not only that, its gotta be in a tasty form! I'm gonna go home and +figure this thing out so's I'll be took care of when the government +grabs off all the food supplies. They must be somethin' a man can do! +Good night, folks--and thanks for the use of the kitchen." + +With that he blows. + +"I think he's a nut!" remarks the wife, when the hall door bangs. + +"Leave him be!" says Alex, rubbin' his hands together, a habit that +gets my goat. "I got him started now and--" + +"Say!" I says. "I didn't see nothin' in no paper about the government +gonna seize all the eats. I think you was kiddin' Hector, myself!" + +"You didn't see the Civil War, either, did you?" says Alex. "I suppose +you don't believe that, eh? I told you I was gonna put this feller +over and if you'll leave me be, I will! I told you every man had an +ace buried somewhere, didn't I? Well, Hector's ace is his mad +infatuation for his stomach. He's never played it yet, because there's +been no reason to do so. As long as he had the money, he could buy the +stuff and hash it up in any way his peculiar tastes desired. Once he +thinks he _can't_ do that, he'll put all he's got under his hat into +findin' a way to get all them proteins and calories he wants. I've +given him somethin' he never had before--an incentive--and--" + +"What do you figure Hector's gonna do to startle the world?" I says. + +"Search me!" says Alex, grinnin', "but we'll all get paid off on +whatever it is, you can gamble on that!" + +The wife sniffs. + +"I never heard tell of no man that couldn't eat porterhouse steaks!" +she says. + +"I seen a lot of them to-day," says Alex, puttin' on his coat. + +"Where?" asks the wife. + +"I was passin' the Evergreen Cemetery!" says Alex. "Good night, all!" + +The next day, Hector comes to me before the game and you never seen +such a change in a guy in your life! He looked like he hadn't slept a +wink since they buried Washington and he's as nervous as a steam drill. + +"Mac," he says, "I wanna ask two favors off of you, the first I asked +in a long while." + +"Shoot, Hector!" I tells him. "You know I can deny you nothin'." + +"I want a week off and the loan of five hundred bucks," he says. + +"I'll tell you," I says. "Take _two_ weeks off and forget about the +five hundred, heh?" + +"No, Mac--I gotta have the dough!" he says. "With what I got saved up, +I figure it'll be ample." + +"Ample for what?" I asks. + +"I can't tell no man nothin' about it now," he answers, "but when I +come back from my vacation, I'll let you in on it. I don't like to say +this, Mac--but when I was slippin' it to you, I never asked whether you +wanted it to get a hair cut with or to try and put Wall Street on the +bum. If--" + +"That's enough!" I cuts him off, takin' out the roll. "Here you are, +Hector--and if you want any more they's plenty of it where that come +from!" + +They was--in the mint. + +When Hector had put some distance between himself and the ball park, I +begin to think the thing over. If he _did_ pull any startlin' stunt, I +stood to lose a thousand bucks, not countin' the weddin' gift, to Alex. +They was five hundred more I'd invested right then, makin' fifteen +hundred in all, which I considered was gettin' into money. For all I +knowed, Hector and Alex might be framin' me and they ain't no man +livin' who loves bein' a sucker. + +I decided right then and there to shoot another nickel on the thing and +I called up the Ryan Detective Agency. Mike Ryan had been a friend of +me and Hector since we'd been in baseball. I told him the whole layout +and asked for a report on the activities of Hector the followin' day, +if possible. + +It was three days before I seen Ryan's report. He give it to me +himself by mouth. + +"Say!" he says. "This Hector bird has gone nutty, and I suppose bein' +friends of his, you and me had better have him put away where he can't +do himself no violence." + +"What's he doin'?" I asks. + +"Well," says Ryan, "I'll give you the dope since he left the ball park +on Monday. The first thing he does is go to the bank and draw out +every nickel he's got. Then he moves from the hotel to Cereal +Crossin', N. J. This burg casts eleven votes for president every four +years and they all work on the same farm. Hector hires a shack away +out in the middle of the woods there and, from then on, boxes and +crates begins to arrive for him from everywheres but Brazil. I met up +with a Secret Service guy who had dropped in to get a line on what +kinda bombs Hector was makin' before pinchin' him, and we went through +this express stuff durin' the night. The first crate we tackled +contained all the glassware in the world of a medical nature. They was +bottles, test tubes, bowls and all the stuff usual found in a practical +anarchist's workshop. After the first peep, the Secret Service guy +wanted to run right over and fit Hector with iron bracelets, but I got +him to hold off long enough to look over the rest of the stuff. We +went through every box and what d'ye think we found in 'em?" + +"I wasn't there," I says. "Tell me." + +"Well," says Ryan, grinnin', "when all this stuff was assembled, it +would make a first class delicatessen shop and that's all! They was +meats, cheese, olive oil, fish, vegetables, pickles, mustard and about +fifteen other eatables I never seen or heard tell of before in my life! +We busted a lot of it open, lookin' for explosives, but they was all on +the level. Why, that bird's got enough stuff down there to keep him in +food for the rest of his life!" + +I bust out laughin'. + +"Ha, ha!" I says. "That's it! The poor fathead went and fell for that +bunk Alex handed him and he's gone and laid in that stuff so's he won't +starve when the government seizes the food supplies. Can you tie that?" + +"I always thought he was a little queer," says Ryan. "Especially when +he claims he's a ball player. Let's get him in some nice, private +sanitarium somewheres and I'll split the bill with you." + +"Leave him alone!" I says. "I'll take care of this myself. If he +stays there long enough, I gotta chance to win a piece of money and--" + +"All right!" says Ryan. "It ain't no milk outa my coffee, but that +bird oughta be under lock and key!" + +I could hardly wait to tell Alex about Hector's first step towards +success. I rung him up immediately and give him the dope, windin' up +by askin' when he'd be ready to pay me off. + +"Pay _you_ off?" he says. "Save that comedy for Cousin Alice! Just +you leave Hector be now; from what you tell me everything's goin' fine +and--" + +"Goin' fine?" I hollers. "When that poor simp buries himself in Jersey +with all the food in the world, do you call that makin' good?" + +"Gimme a week!" says Alex. "He said he'd be back then, and if he ain't +shown somethin' by that time, you get the check." + +"Fair enough!" I says, "and have it certified." + +The followin' Monday night, Alex as usual is honorin' me and the wife +with his presence at dinner. I was in such good humor that I didn't as +much as wince when he calls for another piece of roast beef, makin' an +even eight. Hector had failed to appear as advertised and the noted +Success Developer had promised to pay me off before he left. They was +a ring at the bell and the wife ushers in Hector, ruinin' the night for +me! + +"I would of reported at the ball park this afternoon like I promised," +he says, "only I was in a burg where the only time a train ever stopped +there was when one went off the track." + +I hardly knowed it was the same Hector which went away the week before. +His cheeks was filled out past the legal limit and he had a color that +would make an insurance company let him write his own policy. He was +Alfred Q. Health--that's all! + +"I'm sorry to see you people eatin' the flesh of the cow, roasted in an +unscientific manner," he says. "One slab of that is shy just +forty-eight calories and they's more proteins in a filetted bean!" He +reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little package. "If I can draw +up a chair here," he says, "I'll have dinner with you." + +"I'll get another plate," says the wife, "and some coffee--" + +"Not a thing!" says Hector. "I got mine with me!" With that he +unwraps the package and pulls out a thing about the size of a deck of +cards. I thought at first it was a razor hone, but Hector bites into +it. "Just a glass of water," he says, "though with this a man don't +even need that!" + +Alex bounces outa his chair and gimme the laugh. + +"What's that?" he hollers at Hector. + +"That," says Hector, "is the last word in calories, protein and +nourishment! It contains each and every juice and sustainin' part of +all meats and vegetables known to man, with a little glutein invention +of my own combined. It has got it forty ways on all other patent +foods, because it's not only nourishin', it's so darned tasty that once +you eat it you get the habit, like dope or somethin', and you can't eat +anything else! It'll keep forever without ice or preservatives. You +don't need liquids with it, it supplies its own juices. It's got a +kick like booze and they ain't no alcohol in it. I invented it and I +been livin' on it all week. Look me over and--" + +"Gimme a bite!" yells Alex. + +He grabs this weird lookin' slab of gue and takes a mouthful. + +"Oh, lady!" he hollers. "They's just two things I wanna know. What +does it cost to make this stuff, and will it stand scientific tests?" + +"It costs about two cents a square, roughly speakin'," says Hector, +"and it'll stand any test in the world! Three of them things is the +day's food for a healthy man and--" + +"Will you lend me one for two days?" asks Alex, reachin' for his coat +and hat. + +Hector pulls out another package. + +"Sure!" he says. "I brung one along for you, because you claimed you +was the same as me when it come to--" + +But Alex and the trick cake of collapsible food was gone! + +He showed up at the ball park the end of the week, when Hector was +pitchin' against the Red Sox. They got seven runs off him in the +second innin' and I was just yankin' him out, when Alex come runnin' +down to the dugout. + +"Hector!" he hollers. "You're a rich man! No more baseball for +yours--why, you can buy a team if you want it and--" + +"I thought you claimed you never drank," I says. + +"What is your friend ravin' about?" inquires Hector. + +Alex answers by shovin' a pink slip of paper into his hands. It was +the first check for fifty thousand bucks I ever seen in my life and it +was signed by the secretary of the U. S. treasury! + +"Why--what kinda stuff is this?" mutters Hector, turnin' the check over +and over. "It's made out to me! Why--who--where--who give you--" + +"It's all yours!" says Alex, rubbin' his hands together and displayin' +all his back teeth. "I took your food to Washington and got the +government experts to try it out. They been lookin' for a one-piece +ration for the army. They wanted somethin' cheap, palatable and +nourishin' that the men would take to. They was after a food that +could be easily packed and shipped. They give your food every possible +test and accepted it. That fifty thousand is only a first payment--we +still got four hundred and fifty thousand comin' for the invention +and--" + +"My Gawd!" gasps Hector. "They give up all this money for that?" + +"Sure!" rattles on Alex. "And all you gotta do is go to the laboratory +they're gonna build and show 'em how to make it. We still got four +hundred and--" + +"Where d'ye get that _we_ stuff?" I butts in, seein' my bet with Alex +goin' south. "Hector put that over and--" + +"And I put _him_ over!" says Alex. "I'm the young feller that showed +him where _his_ ace was! I therefore take one thousand dollars from +you, with that weddin' chest of silver, and I'll only charge Hector ten +per cent of his profits, as he was my first patient. I--" + +"Let's git outa here!" pipes Hector hoarsely. "Think of me with fifty +thousand berries and more on the fire!" + +Well, we all met at the flat the next afternoon to celebrate. The wife +suggested a theatre party with all that goes with it, and I was lookin' +over the papers to pick out a good show. Alex is walkin' up and down +the room, rubbin' them hands of his together. + +"Well, well, well!" he says, slappin' Hector on the back. "To think +that the days of slavery is all over! No more reportin' at the ball +park every day, no more spring training no more watchin' 'em hit and +run. That must be great after seven years of havin' to see it and--" + +"Yeh!" mumbles Hector, kinda glum. He's all dressed up like a broken +arm and takin' it just as hard. + +"Well," I says, "where will we go? We got all the shows in New York to +pick from and--" + +"Get one that will give Mister Sells a chance to really relax and enjoy +himself," says the wife. "Somethin' that will allow him to forget his +former--" + +"Why not ask Hector?" says Alex. "Where would _you_ like to go, Mister +Sells?" + +Hector gets up and fumbles with his hat. + +"Say!" he says. "Let's all go out and see the ball game, heh?" + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +DON'T GIVE UP THE TIP! + +Listen! If you ever wake up some mornin' with an idea for something +new--whether it's a soup, a vaudeville act or a religion--and you +expect to cash on it, go to the nearest hardware store and ask the guy +behind the counter how much he'll take for all the locks in the joint. +Take 'em at any price and fasten 'em on the door of the safe where you +keep the idea--the same bein' your mouth--and then throw the keys in +any good, deep river! + +If the inventors of stud poker, movin' pictures, the alligator pear, +pneumonia and so forth had gone around talkin' about them things before +they got 'em patented they never would of took in a nickel on their +idea, but their _friends_ would be draggin' down the royalties yet! +The minute you tip another guy to your stunt it's yours and his both. +He mightn't _mean_ to steal your stuff, but he can't help himself. The +more he thinks about it, the better he likes it, and it ain't long +before he gets believin' it was _his_ idea anyways and where do you get +off by claimin' you thought of it? + +I admit freely that you can't cash on your scheme unless you get it +before the world, but the thing is to wait till you got it covered with +so many copyrights and patents that not even the James Boys could steal +it and then _tell 'em all at once_! + +If Edgar Simmons had of did that, he'd be a rich millionaire to-day +instead of havin' to cut his winnin's with Alex. Edgar had an idea, +and he didn't know what to do with it. + +Alex did! + +The wife and I is sittin' down to the evenin' meal one night, when the +telephone rings. Only one of us got up. + +"Hello!" I says. + +"Hello!" is the answer. "This is Alex. What would you say to me +runnin' up there to supper to-night?" + +"Nothin'," I answers. "I see where they was a guy got pinched only +last week for swearin' over the phone!" + +"Look here!" he says, kinda peeved. "Do you want me to come up there +to-night or don't you?" + +"Don't you!" I says. + +"They's plenty of places where they would be glad to have me to +dinner," he snarls. "Places that is just as good as yours!" + +"How do _you_ know how good they are?" I says. "You ain't never tried +no dinners nowheres else but up here." + +"They ain't no man can keep me from seein' my cousin!" he says. "Tell +Alice I'll be right up!" + +I hung up the phone. + +"Well," I says to the wife, "I got bad news for you." + +"Who was it?" she asks, droppin' the knittin' layout on the floor. + +"That trick relative of yours," I tells her. "He's comin' up here for +dinner again, so I guess I'll go down to the corner and play a little +pinochle." + +"You ought to be the weather man," says the wife, "you're such a rotten +guesser! You ain't goin' nowheres. You're gonna stay here and help +entertain Alex." + +"Entertain him?" I says. "What d'ye think I am--a trained seal or +somethin'?" + +"Don't kid yourself!" she says. "You ain't even makin' the money I +could get with a trained seal! You gotta stop this pinochle thing--you +don't see Alex wastin' his time playin' pinochle with a lotta loafers!" + +"You bet you don't!" I comes back. "You'll never see Alex playin' no +game where they's a chance of the other guy winnin'! He wouldn't bet +zero was cold! And don't be callin' my friends loafers--every one of +them guys is successful business men!" + +"That mob you hid out in here one night looked like a lotta plumbers to +me!" she says. "Any man who sits up half the night playin' cards is a +loafer!" + +"One of them loafers I while away my time with lives in the next flat," +I says, "and the dumbwaiter door is wide open." + +"I don't care," says the wife, flushin' all up. "Let him hear me!" + +"I ain't stoppin' him," I says. "But you don't want it to get rumored +all over New York that you and me is quarrelin', do you?" + +The wife's answer is nothin'. She walks over to the window and looks +out on Manhattan, doin' a soft shoe dance with one toe on the floor. +If bein' good lookin' was water, she'd be Niagara Falls. You've seen +her picture many a time on a can of massage cream--which she never +touched in her life! The label claims it was this stuff that put her +over, but she don't know whether rouge is for red cheeks or measles. +They ain't a day goes by without some movie company pesterin' her to +sign up, and she can write her own ticket when it comes to salary. +Well, I'm in dutch again, but I don't care! This here knockout is wed +to me, and they ain't _nothin'_ can give me the blues! + +"Listen!" I says. "Honey, we only been wed ten years--and here we are +scrappin' _already_!" + +She turns on the weeps and I'm across the floor like a startled rabbit. +We come to terms in about five minutes, and as far as a disinterested +stranger could of seen, everything is O.K. again. + +"Well," I says, finally, "you ain't mad at me no more, heh, honey?" + +She wags her head, no. + +"We got _that_ all settled, heh?" I says. + +Her head is on my shoulder and why shouldn't it be, and she says yes. + +They is a pause. To bust it up, I coughs. + +"If that pest Alex wasn't comin' here to-night," I says, "we might go +to the theatre." + +"The _movies_ hurts my eyes!" she answers, givin' me a sarcastical +smile. + +"D'ye mean to give the neighbors the idea I have never staked you to +nothin' but the movies?" I hollers, gettin' sore, naturally enough. + +"Don't be callin' my cousin no pest!" she says and--well, we're off +again! + +In less than five minutes, some new-comers which has a flat across the +hall, knocks on the dumbwaiter bell furiously. I answered. + +"Why don't you people let go?" inquires a harsh voice. "We can't stand +that tourney in there no longer!" + +"They ain't no way of puttin' a man in jail for movin'," I says. + +"The idea of a man hollerin' at his wife like that!" comes a female +voice in back of this guy. + +"Shut up--I'm doin' this!" exclaims her lovin' spouse,--and then they +had a mêlée of their own! + +In the middle of this our doorbell rings and in comes Alex. + +"They should of named this apartment house the Verdun," he says. "They +seems to be a battle goin' on here every time I come up! I could hear +every word you people was sayin' as plain as day, away out in the hall!" + +"What did you come in for then?" I asks him. "Especially as you could +hear this was the rush hour!" + +He ignores me and kisses the wife--a thing he knows gets me wild. + +"Now, boys!" butts in the wife, splittin' her world famous grin +fifty-fifty, "let's stop quarrelin'. They ain't a reason on earth why +we can't be friends, even if we are relatives." + +"When are you gonna have dinner?" asks Alex. + +"This here's eatless night with us," I says. "Not to give you a short +answer." + +"Don't pay no attention to him, Alex," says the wife. "You know you +can eat here whenever you want." + +"Sure!" I says. "Don't mind me. All I gotta do is pay for this +stuff--that's all!" + +The wife gimme a bitter glance. + +"That's right," she says. "Tell the world that I have wed a tightwad!" + +"What d'ye mean?" I hollers. "I'm as loose as ashes with my money and +they ain't nobody knows it better than you. I don't even moan over the +monthly phone bill, which from the last one you musta been callin' up +friends in Australia!" + +"Here!" butts in Alex. "This thing's gotta stop! Come on, kiss and +make up. The first thing you know the Red Cross will be openin' a +branch here. If I didn't know how much you people loved each other, +I'd get the idea that you was really angry." + +"Of course we love each other!" I says. "We only pull this now and +then so's we won't get sickenin' to the neighbors by billin' and cooin' +_all_ the time! Ain't I right, honey?" + +"Are you sorry?" inquires the wife. + +"Sorry?" I says. "Why, I'd go out and buy a tube of carbolic acid if +it wasn't so high!" + +With that they was peace. + +We're just sittin' down to a well-earned meal, when the bell rings +again. Actin' as maid is one of the best things I do around my five +rooms, if you count the bath, so I answered it. They was a man and a +woman standin' there and my heart run up to play with my tonsils when I +seen them. I figured they was a couple more guests for dinner and you +knew what they're askin' for steak these days. + +"I'm sorry to bother you," says the dame, "but we are the people who +live in the flat right under yours." + +"If you think we're too noisy, moan to the landlord!" I says, "I gotta +right to stage an argument in my flat whenever I so choose!" + +She giggles. The guy that was with her don't make a sound. + +"Why, I'm sure we never heard any noise from above," she says. "I +think you and your wife are no doubt the quietest folks in the whole +house." + +Oh, boy!!! + +"How long have you been deaf?" I says. + +"You're just like your wife claims," she grins. "Full of life and fun! +But I'm keepin' you from your food, ain't I? I wanted to know if you'd +let Mister Simmons climb down your fire escape." + +"Feed him some veronal," I says, "and he'll no doubt be O.K. in the +mornin'. The first day is always tough!" + +"Why, what do you mean?" she says. "I merely asked if my husband could +climb down your fire escape." + +I seen I had wild pitched the first time, so I tried my luck again. + +"Is your joint on fire?" I says. + +"Oh, no!" she tells me. "But we are locked out. My husband invented a +new kind of lock--he's always inventing something that will do +everything but work. He put this lock on our door and now he can't +open it himself! Isn't that killing?" + +"A riot!" I admits. "Come right in." + +The wife is gettin' nervous at me bein' out there so long, and when she +heard a female voice laughin', of course that didn't help matters none. +She meets this dame half way in the hall and the minute they seen each +other they fall together in fond embrace. I found out later they'd +known each other as long as a week and the last time they met was an +hour before. + +Well, we get introduced all around and then this bird which invented a +lock that nobody on earth could open, includin' himself, goes out on +the fire escape followed by his charmin' wife. They entered their flat +by the novel method of usin' the kitchen window. This guy didn't open +his mouth from the time he come in till he went out, and when spoke to, +he blushed all over and acted like he wished to Heaven he could hide +under the sofa. His wife, though, had nothin' against conversation as +a sport. She was talkin' when she come in and she went out the same +way. I never seen nobody in my life who could talk as fast and +frequent as this dame and if her husband had hung that trick lock on +her tongue he would of made himself solid with me! + +"That's that lovely Mrs. Simmons," says the wife, when they had went. +"It's too bad her husband ain't a live one." + +"Gettin' married has buried many a good man!" I says. + +"It didn't change _you_ none," she says. "You was a dead one when I +got you!" + +"Here!" butts in Alex. "Don't you people get started again! I wanna +finish my supper in peace. What's wrong with Mister Simmons?" + +"He ain't got no pep," says the wife. "They's many a more ambitious +man than he is with a tomb around him! He's been keepin' books for +twenty dollars a week since the discovery of arithmetic, and he ain't +got a raise since they blowed up the _Maine_. He's afraid to ask for +more money for fear the boss will find out he's on the pay roll and +fire him. They's one ounce more brains in a billiard ball than they is +in his head. He--" + +"Wait!" interrupts Alex. "This here sounds interestin' to me. In the +first place, they ain't a doubt in my mind but what you got that feller +figured all wrong! Like all the rest of you simple minded and innocent +New Yorkers, you get brains and _imagination_ mixed. They is a big +difference! _Brains_ is what puts a man over, and _imagination_ is +what keeps him back. The ideal combination is all brains and no +imagination! The feller with brains sets his mind on what he wants, +forgets everything else, goes to it and gets it. He don't for a minute +consider what might happen if he fails, or that the thing he proposes +has never been done before, or that maybe his scheme ain't really as +good as he first thought it was. Why don't he think of them things? +Because he ain't got no imagination! The imaginative feller is beat +from the start. He keeps thinkin' from every possible angle, what +might happen to him if he _fails_ and, by the time he gets that all +figured out, his idea is cold and his enthusiasm for it has drowned in +the sea of possibilities his roamin' mind has created! The feller +which said, 'look before you leap!' might of been clever, but I bet he +thought a five-dollar bill was as big as they made 'em till he went to +his grave! If I'd had imagination, I'd never of come to New York and +made good. I'd of been afraid the town was too big for me. Now this +feller Simmons, I'll betcha, is simply sufferin' from a case of too +much imagination. He must have _somethin'_ in his head or he couldn't +even keep books. It takes brains to balance accounts, the same as it +takes money to pay 'em. Am I right?" + +"What d'ye say, if we go to the movies?" I says. + +Alex gets up in disgust. + +"Is that all the interest I'm gettin' here?" he asks. + +"This ain't no bank!" I tells him. + +"Be still!" says the wife. "I heard every word you said, Alex dear. I +think you're horribly interestin'. But I still claim Simmons is a +fat-head whose butcher bill gives him trouble every month! He never +takes that poor wife of his nowheres, but a walk past the Fifth Avenue +Library, and she don't know if they have dancin' or swimmin' in +cabarets. He's always drawin' things on pieces of paper, and he sits +up half the night inventin' what-nots that would be all right, if they +wasn't useless." + +"Yes," says Alex, "and some day he'll hit on somethin' that'll prob'ly +make him famous!" + +"I wanna see Beryldine Nearer in 'The Vaccinated Vampire'," I says, +reachin' for my hat. "I seen her last week in 'Almost A Fiend' and she +was a knockout!" + +"Shut up!" says the wife. "What was you sayin', again, Alex?" + +"I says it's the dreamer which has made the world what it is to-day," +he goes on, strikin' a pose. "He _thinks_ of somethin' and the +practical feller comes along and makes money out of it. Take--" + +"They ain't no man can keep me from the movies!" I butts in. "I ain't +gonna be late and only see half of this picture. I done that too +often! You and Alice can fight it out amongst yourselves if--" + +"All right!" says the wife. "Come on, we'll all go. I admit freely +I'm crazy to see Beryldine Nearer again, myself. I seen a gown on her +in the last picture which I think I can duplicate in time for Mrs. +Martin's card party. We'll ask Mr. and Mrs. Simmons to go with us too. +The poor dear, it'll be a treat for her." + +"It'll be a treat for her husband, too!" I says. "I ain't gonna take +the whole neighborhood to the movies. You must think I'm the Liberty +Loan, don't you?" + +The wife comes over and kisses me. + +"Now, dear," she says. "Don't be so close across the chest. Won't you +take 'em for me?" + +Well, when all Broadway used to roll over and play dead when she pulled +that smile, what chance have _I_ got? + +"I'd take carbolic for you!" I answers, givin' her a squeeze. "Go +ahead, honey, invite the first two pagefuls outa the phone book if you +want and I'll take 'em all!" + +"There you go," she says. "No wonder we're not wealthy! If it wasn't +for me holdin' you down, we wouldn't have a nickel. I'll call down and +tell Mrs. Simmons to get ready--they may have an engagement themselves!" + +"I doubt if I'm lucky enough for that to happen!" I says. + +Well, I missed out again. They come up all right, and Mrs. Simmons is +tickled to death. When set for the street, she was a pretty good +looker herself, but Simmons ain't even got a hat with him. + +"Mister Simmons prefers to stay at home," says his wife, causin' my +heart to leap with joy. "He has some important work to do, haven't +you, dear?" + +Simmons flushes all up. + +"Why--eh--yes--quite so--much obliged--excuse me," he stutters, backin' +away like he thought I'd wallop him for not goin'. + +Alex is lookin' at him strangely. + +"Pardon me," he says. "We just been talkin' over some of the wonderful +ideas you been workin' on. I have a inventive twist in my brains +myself and that lock you put together interests me very much. Could I +see it?" + +Simmons brightens up in a flash and commences to grin. + +"I'd be very glad indeed to show it to you," he says. "Very glad! Its +a--" + +Alex goes over and puts his arm on his shoulder. + +"You folks run along to the movies," he tells us. "Mr. Simmons and me +is got a little conference on--eh, Simmons?" He prods him in the ribs +and giggles. + +Simmons wags his head. A guy with two glass eyes could see he was +tickled silly. + +I dragged the rest of 'em out. + +Well, we come in from the movie around eleven o'clock and stopped in +the Simmons flat. They had dragged me into a delicatessen parlor on +the way back and put the bee on me for a cold lunch. We was to eat it +in Mrs. Simmons's flat. All she furnished was the idea. Alex and +Simmons is sittin' in the dinin' room and they're so interested in each +other they don't even look up when we come in. The table is full of +drawin's and blue prints and scraps of paper all covered over with +figures. Simmons is pointin' out somethin' to Alex on a piece of +paper, and I'll lay the world four to one Alex ain't got the slightest +idea what the other guy's talkin' about, but he's listenin' like he's +hearin' the secret of makin' gold outa mud. + +"I'll bet you have gone to work and bored Mister Hanley half to death!" +says his wife. "How often have I told you that strangers is not +interested in them fool ideas of yours?" + +"Not at all!" says Alex. "I fail to recall when I spent such a +enjoyable night. Mister Simmons is a genius, if they ever was one, and +I predict a great future for his automatic cocktail shaker. Then, if +he gets his keyless lock workin' right, why--" + +"Let's eat in the kitchen, it's cosier," interrupts Mrs. Simmons. "Do +you folks mind?" + +They was no bloodshed over it, and we all went in. Simmons claims he +would like to change his collar, and invites me back to look over the +flat, a treat the wife has already had. Once we get in his boudoir, he +finds they is everything in the world in it with the exception of a +clean collar, and he calls Mrs. Simmons to the rescue. + +"Here!" she says, handin' him the laundry. "Hurry up, so's we can eat. +He's always losin' somethin'!" she remarks. + +I got a comical answer on the tip of my tongue, when Simmons drops his +collar button on the floor, and, the same as all the other collar +buttons in the world, they picked out the furtherest corners of the +room to roll into. The poor boob gets as red as a four-alarm fire and +goes crawlin' around the room tryin' to run them collar buttons down. + +"It's too bad them buttons wasn't made of rubber," I says, thinkin' to +pass the thing off. "They would of bounced right back in your hand, +hey?" + +He straightens up like he had stepped on a egg and runs his hands +through his hair. + +"A rubber collar button!" he mutters. "A rubber collar button! +No--no--not _rubber_, but--" + +"My Gawd!" cuts in Mrs. Simmons. "Will he _ever_ stop it? Sit down +and eat, folks, he's ravin' again! Here, Edgar, try some of this cold +ham. It set our friends back a dollar and it ought to be good!" + +"I'm--I'm sorry!" pipes Edgar, movin' away with that little, nervous +step of his. "I couldn't eat a thing. I got a headache, I +guess--I--excuse me, but I'll see you all again." + +With that he blows. + +"Ain't he the limit?" inquires Mrs. Simmons, grabbin' the choicest bits +of that ham and goin' south with it. + +"Mine's worse!" remarks the wife. "What would them men ever do without +us?" + +"Save money!" I says. "Slip me some of that cold chicken, will you?--I +got a stomach, too!" + +Well, we didn't see Edgar Simmons no more that night. In fact it was +all of two weeks before he appeared again, and then it was by way of +the phone. He asked me if I would tell my Cousin Alex to come down at +once, he had somethin' very important to tell him. I waited till +supper had come and gone that night, and then I got hold of Alex. The +wife and Mrs. Simmons went to the theatre together and I arranged the +conference for my flat. The minute Alex arrived I phoned Simmons and +he come right up. He's all excited over somethin' and he's got a +parcel under his arm. + +"I have followed your advice," he tells Alex, "and at last I've +invented something practical. There's millions in it!" + +"What?" I says. "The mint?" + +Alex kicks me in the shins under the table so hard that I moaned aloud. + +"What is it?" he asks. + +Simmons unwraps the parcel and pulls out a piece of cloth. It's the +neckband of a shirt and the same as the ordinary neckband in every +way--except it's got collar buttons _built right into it_! + +"What's the idea?" I asks. + +"Heavens, man, can't you grasp it?" says Simmons, slammin' the table +with his fist. "Here we have the only collar button in the world _that +can't be lost_! You never have to look for it, because it's always +attached to the shirt. You can't lose the button unless you lose the +shirt! It's made right with it! It--" + +"Wait!" butts in Alex, leapin' to his feet. "Simmons--you have got +somethin'! Is it patented?" + +"Yes," says Simmons. + +"Have you felt out the shirt people on it?" asks Alex next. + +"That's what I wanted to see _you_ about," says Simmons. "I can't get +them to look at it! I get shifted from one subordinate to another and +they seem to think I'm some sort of a crank. If I could only get it +before Philip Calder, the president of the Brown-Calder Shirt Company, +I'd be made!" + +"Hmm!" grunts Alex. "Well, what d'ye want _me_ to do?" + +Simmons coughs and fidgets with the button. + +"It struck me when you was talkin' to me the other night," he says, +"that if there was one man in New York who could see Calder and make +him realize the merits of my invention, you were that man! Will you +try it?" + +"I'll _do_ it!" answers Alex. "Gimme the model and you'll hear from me +in a few days. Do you wish to sell the neckbands themselves, or just +the patent on your idea?" + +"I don't care who makes the neckbands," says Simmons, "as long as I get +paid for my invention! Of course, I don't expect you to help me for +nothing, either." + +"Ha! ha!" I butts in. "That bird wouldn't tell you the time for +nothing You'll be lucky if you ever even see that invention any more!" + +"Don't mind my cousin," Alex tells him. "Outside of a tendency to the +measles, he's the worst thing we got in our family! We'll take up the +financial end of this later." + +Bright and early the next mornin', or eleven o'clock to be exact, Alex +invites me to go with him so's I can watch how he would go about seein' +the president of the Brown-Calder Company and sellin' him the Simmons +patent collar button. As they is always a chance that Alex will fall +down, I went along. We had no trouble at all landin' outside the +president's office, but once we got there it was different. + +"Is Mister Calder in?" says Alex to a blond stenographer, which looks +like them movie queens would like to. + +She puts four stray hairs back of her left ear and arises. + +"Have you got an appointment?" she inquires. + +"No," grins Alex, "my nose got that way from bein' hit with a baseball." + +She had lovely teeth and showed 'em to us. + +"Cards?" she says next, lookin' from one of us to the other. + +"I'll play these!" says Alex. "Listen! I wanna go in Mister Calder's +office without bein' announced. I ain't seen him for years and he'll +be tickled silly when we meet. I wanna sneak in and just be there the +first time he looks around. I'm a surprise--see?" + +She looks kinda doubtful. + +"W-e-ll, I don't know," she says. "I've only been here since +yesterday, but my orders is to let nobody past this gate without first +findin' out their business and so forth. Still and all, I don't wanna +be harsh with none of the boss's old college chums or nothin' like +that. If you can guarantee I won't lose my job, I'll let you get away +with it." + +"If you lose your job," says Alex, openin' the gate and pullin' me in +after him, "I'll hire you for five dollars more than you're gettin' +here. All right?" + +"I only trust you're man enough to keep your word," she says. "The +boss's office is the first one to the left." + +"Thanks," says Alex. "Them eyes of yours is alone worth the trip!" + +This guy Calder's door is open and he's sittin' at a big desk writin' +away on somethin' like everything depended on speed. He's a great, big +fat bird, with one of them trick Chaplin mustaches and he's smokin' a +cigar as big as he is. His head is playin' it's hairless day. All in +all, he looked like big business, and my knees is knockin' together +till I'm afraid he'll hear 'em and turn around. Alex gumshoes up to +the desk and without sayin' a word, he lays the neckband right down +beside Calder, who immediately swings around with a snort. + +"What's all this--how did you get in here?" he bellers. + +"We took the subway down from Ninety-sixth Street," says Alex. "That +thing you got in your hand is the neckband of a shirt." + +"Well?" growls Calder, tappin' the desk with a lead pencil. + +"It contains two collar buttons--one front and one back," says Alex. +"As you may have noticed, they are built right into the cloth and are +meant to come _attached to the shirt_. This does away forever with the +necessity of buying a collar button. It cannot be broken, lost or +mislaid. Any shirt manufacturer making shirts with this neckband +attached will naturally have the bulge on his rivals. I can turn out +the neckband for practically nothing. I hold the patent." + +Calder sneers. + +"Ha!" he says. "There's a million cranks come in my office every day. +I suppose you want to sell me this, eh?" + +"No, sir!" says Alex, with a pleasant grin. + +I liked to fell through the floor at that! + +"_No_, sir?" repeats Calder, droppin' the pencil. + +"No, sir!" answers Alex. + +"Well, what the--what _do_ you want then?" roars Calder. "Come now, +speak up. I'll give you five minutes, that's all!" + +"That's three minutes more than I got to spare!" chirps Alex, pullin' +over a chair. "I don't want you to _buy_ this neckband, Mister Calder. +What I want is this--I know that _you_ are the greatest authority on +shirts and everything connected with the business, in the United States +if not in the world! I think I have a big thing here, a thing that +will revolutionize one end of that business. I say I _think_ so, +because I don't know. Now--the concern I represent wants your opinion +of it. We're willing to pay to have you, the world's greatest +authority, go on record as to the merits of this invention. If you say +it's no good, I'll throw it away and forget about it; if you say it's +good, I'll have no trouble placing it anywhere in the world!" + +Well, say! That old guy brightens all up when Alex calls him the +champion shirtmaker of the world, and pickin' up the band, he turns it +over in his hands a few times. You could see that the old salve Alex +handed him had gone big! + +"Hmph!" he says, finally. "How much would these things cost me?" + +"Roughly speakin', about three cents each," says Alex. + +"How long will they stand up under laundering?" is the next question +Calder fires at him. + +"They're the only thing that won't come out in the wash!" answers Alex, +without battin' an eye. + +The old guy smiles and presses a button. In comes a clerk. + +"Send in Mister Lacy, no matter what he's doing, at once!" barks +Calder. He turns to Alex as the clerk flees from the room. "Have you +been anywhere else with this?" he asks. + +Alex looks pained. + +"Why, Mister Calder!" he says, "certainly not! Before I went any +further I wanted the opinion of the greatest--" + +This Lacy guy comes in. + +"Mister Lacy is superintendent of our manufacturing department," says +Calder. "I'm going to talk with him for three minutes about the effect +of the war on the onion crop in Beloochistan. I'll send for you at the +expiration of that time. Ah--you can leave the--ah--neckband here!" + +"Pardon me!" says Alex, "I have got to be up at the office of the +Evers-Raine Shirt Company at three and I can just about make it." + +"What the devil are you going to another shirt company for?" roars +Calder. + +"I have an old friend in the--ah--manufacturing department," says Alex, +lookin' straight at him, "who I'm very anxious to see." + +Well, they stare at each other for a minute without sayin' a word. +They're both playin' poker, and it's Calder who lays his down first! + +"Look here!" he grunts. "I'm going to take an option on this infernal +thing for a week. How much is that worth to you?" + +"Ten thousand dollars," answers Alex, pleasantly. + +"I'll pay seven and give you a check right now!" says Calder, slammin' +the desk with his fist. "Here, Lacy!" he says to the other guy. "This +is what we'll put on our shirts hereafter, unless I'm very much +mistaken! What do you think of it?" + +Lacy picks up the neckband and looks at it. + +"And to think," he mutters in an awed voice. "And to think nobody ever +thought of this before!" + +"Hmm!" says Calder, takin' the band back. "That's all settled then! +Young man," he says to Alex, "the cashier will give you a check. Come +back at the end of the week and I'll either give you back your +neckband, or a contract for five hundred thousand of them a year for +twenty years!" + +"Thanks!" says Alex. "Will you have that check certified?" + +Well, Simmons like to went insane with joy when we sprung the news on +him and Alex insists on him takin' that seven thousand dollar check +whole. He didn't ask for a nickel, which had me puzzled. Mrs. Simmons +goes out shoppin' for furs, diamonds and automobiles, and the wife asks +me why I don't invent somethin', but outside of that they was nothin' +more doin' till the end of the week. Then, Alex comes up and breaks +the news to Simmons that the Brown-Calder Shirt Company will take all +the neckbands that Simmons can supply, as long as people wear shirts. + +"We have got to deliver 50,000 in a month," says Alex, "at the rate of +two and a half cents apiece. Can you do it?" + +Simmons falls back on the sofa in a dead faint! + +Well, they was great excitement and the wife finally brings him to life +with smellin' salts. + +"It was prob'ly the sudden mention of so much money, eh?" I says. + +"I'm ruined!" hollers Simmons, leapin' up and dancin' around. "Why, it +took me two weeks to make that one miserable model I gave you!" he +yells at Alex. "I couldn't make fifty thousand of them things in a +lifetime!" + +Alexis eyes glitters. + +"Here!" he says, slappin' Simmons on the back. "Pull yourself +together, man! You've got to think of somethin'. How did you make +that one?" + +"By hand!" wails Simmons. + +"Well, they must be some way of makin' a machine that can turn out so +many thousand an hour!" says Alex, walkin' back and forth. "Why--" + +"I don't care who makes 'em!" says Simmons. "All I want is to get paid +for my idea. I--" + +"Listen to me!" interrupts Alex, shakin' him. "Can't you invent some +kind of a machine for turnin' them neckbands out?" + +"Oh, I had a little something figured out the other night," says +Simmons, "but what's the use of me botherin' with that? Why, a machine +of that kind would cost at least twenty thousand dollars to make! +Where can I get that much money?" + +"Look here!" Alex tells him. "You got seven and I'll loan you the +balance. You get busy on that machine right away--there's no time to +lose!" He grabs his hat. "Come with me and I'll get you the money and +then we'll go to my lawyer and draw up a--that is, I'll take your +receipt." + +That's the last I seen of either of them for a month. At the end of +that time, the wife tells me one day that Mr. and Mrs. Simmons is +givin' a big dinner that night and that Alex will be there. They'll +never notice us no more, if we don't come. Besides, they're goin' for +a trip around the country in a few days and this here's a farewell +party. + +Well, it's a soup and fish affair, and naturally it takes the wife half +the night to get dressed up for it. Fin'ly, however, she's dressed to +thrill and we blowed in. The minute we did, Simmons pulls me over in a +corner where Alex is sittin', smilin' like his name was George Q. +Goodhumor. + +"Well, sir!" says Simmons, no longer shy and retirin', "I just about +cleaned up. My machine is turnin' out three thousand bands an hour, +and I get a cent for each and every one!" + +"You fin'ly doped out a machine then, heh?" I says. + +"Oh, yes!" he tells me. "But unfortunately I don't control it. I have +to pay the owner for each band turned out, although it's my invention. +But I'm satisfied! I got a bonus of twenty-five thousand dollars from +the Brown-Calder people for selling them the exclusive rights to use +the neckband, and then we have the foreign rights to--" + +"Wait!" I cuts in, turnin' to Alex. All this big money talk was makin' +me dizzy. "Where do _you_ get off?" I asks him. + +"Well, I put the neckband over, didn't I?" he says. + +"Yes," I admits, "but Simmons invented it and he gets the royalty. How +much cash did he give you?" + +"Nothing!" grins Alex. + +I looked at Simmons. + +"Perfectly correct!" he says, outgrinnin' Alex. + +"You--did all that for _nothin'_ I hollers, not believin' my ears. + +"Well, hardly that," says Alex, lightin' a half-dollar cigar. "You see +I loaned Mister Simmons thirteen thousand dollars, if you remember, so +that he could make his machine." + +"Yeh, yeh!" I says, gettin' impatient. "And--" + +"Well, as it stands now," says Alex, "every time the machine turns out +a neckband, he gets a cent out of the two and a half cents profit." + +"Sure--he told me that!" I says. "But where do _you_ get off?" + +Alex grins some more. + +"I own the machine!" he says. "Have a cigar, cousin?" + + + + +CHAPTER V + +YOU CAN DO IT! + +A guy once said, "Be sure you're right, then go ahead!" and like the +bird which invented the sayin', "What are you gonna have?" he became +famous on that one line. They's millions of people have repeated both +of them remarks since. As far as the last one is concerned, it's about +died out now and cracked ice has started gettin' acquainted with +lemonade and the like instead of its old haunts, Scotch, Rye and Gin, +which has pulled a Rip Van Winkle. I never told no man I was a fortune +teller, but if I was a bartender right now, believe me, I'd spend my +nights off studyin' the art of makin' chocolate nut sundaes and +pineapple ice cream sodas, because the time has come with alarmin' +suddenness when alcohol will be used only for rubbin' baby's head when +he falls off of the table and the like. + +However, that ain't neither here or there, as the guy says which +mislaid his watch, so let's get back to the bird which said, "Be sure +you're right, then go ahead!" That may be a good line, but it's poor +dope for the young. I'll tell the world fair that no winner ever got +paid off by stickin' strictly to that. If Columbus had waited till +somebody sent him a souvenir postal from the Bronx, so's he'd be sure +they really was some choice real estate over here, he never would of +discovered America. Napoleon would never of got further than bein' a +buck private in the army if he'd of played safe instead of goin' ahead +on the "I Should Worry!" plan. I could name a million more guys which +got over along the same lines only I hate to walk to the library. But +pick up any newspaper and the front page will give you the answer. The +guys that go over the top in this well known universe are the boys +which goes ahead _first_ and figures what chances they got afterwards. +They let the results they get tell whether they're _right_ or not. I +don't mean a guy should bust the traffic laws of any of the prominent +virtues in order to be a success, they ain't a game on earth that can't +be played on the level and won clean, but instead of askin' yourself, +"Can I do it?" say, "This will be _soft_ for me!" and you're a odds on +favorite to win! + +Me and the wife is sittin' down to breakfast one mornin', and I have +barely had time to find fault with the eggs when they's a ring at the +bell. + +"See who that is, will you, dear?" says the wife, turnin' a page of the +_Mornin' Shrapnel_ and shootin' the smile that used to jam the Winter +Garden in my direction. "You know how tired I am in the mornings." + +"Yeh," I says, very sarcastical. "Eatin' grape fruit is enough to wear +down the strongest. Since how long have I became the maid around here?" + +"Before we were married," she says, sinkin' the last of the cream in +her coffee--a thing she knows full well practically always enrages me. +"Before we was wed, you claimed you'd do anything for me." + +"A man can kid, can't he?" I says. + +"Don't get catty, dear," says the wife, still featurin' that million +dollar smile. "Hurry, there goes the bell again. You really should +put on your collar and tie before answering the door, too." + +"Who d'ye think is payin' us a call--Wilson?" I says. "I ain't +supposed to wear a dress suit in to breakfast, am I?" + +They is no answer from the trenches across the table, outside of the +munchin' of food, and as our door bell is makin' the telephone green +with envy from the way it was ringin', I went out and opened the +portals to our flat. + +In comes Alex the Great, undisputed champion pest of the world. + +He throws his hat on the sofa, kisses the wife, pulls a chair up to the +table and reaches over for the paper. Every one of them things is sure +fire for gettin' my goat! + +"No wonder you people never get nowheres!" he remarks. "Sleepin' away +half the day. Here it is eleven o'clock and you just havin' breakfast! +I was up at six, had a ice cold bath and walked ten miles." + +"I wish you had of made it eleven!" I says. + +"Why?" he asks me. + +"Because," I says, "that would of brung you a even two blocks past our +house and I could of had my breakfast in peace." + +"How often have I told you that I don't come here to see you?" he +snarls. "If it wasn't for Cousin Alice, I'd never come near your flat!" + +"You stayed away a month once," I says, "and she managed to keep out of +the hospitals." + +"Oh, hush!" says the wife. "You boys are always snappin' at each +other. A outsider would think you was in business together or +something. How is everything, Alex?" + +"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands together and castin' a hungry eye +over the bacon and eggs. "I already had a breakfast fit for a king, +but the early mornin' air gimme a fresh appetite. I think I could +stand a little of that bacon and--" + +"They's only one piece left," I says, spearin' it with my fork. "Try +and get it!" + +"Will you be still?" says the wife. "We have plenty in the ice box, +Alex, if you want some." + +"Don't be blowin' about how much food we got in the ice box," I says. +"They may be some spies from Hoover's office around." + +"That reminds me," says Alex, makin' the best of it by devourin' all +the crackers and jam. "I expect to go to Washington this week and +offer my services to Mister Hoover." + +"What was you thinkin' of doing for Mister Hoover, Alex?" says the wife. + +"I got a scheme for--," he begins, when I ceased firin' on the bacon +and eggs and arose. + +"Listen!" I butts in. "I don't like to walk out in the middle of your +act, Alex, but I gotta date. I have just bought a infielder from +Jersey City which they tell me is a second Ty Cobb. The last guy which +come recommended to me like that acted like hittin' the ball was a +felony and he must of figured that droppin' grounders put Cobb over. I +have give everything but the franchise for this new bird, and I wanna +see right now if he's one of them things or a ball player." + +"Don't make no engagements for to-night," says the wife, "because we're +goin' to the movies with them lovely Wilkinsons." + +"Who's them lovely Wilkinsons?" I says. + +"You could spend a year at the bottom of the ocean and never get +acquainted with a fish!" says the wife. "The Wilkinsons is the people +which just moved in across the hall. Her husband is a salesman for a +big wholesale clothing house downtown and if you're nice to him he can +prob'ly get you a raincoat or something, for a great deal different +price than you'd pay yourself." + +"Yeh," I says. "It would no doubt cost me about ten bucks _more_, if I +bought it from him! I know them birds. That guy will gimme his card +and send me down to the foundry where he works, and they'll sell me +somethin' which has graced their shelves for the last ten years, at ten +per cent over the retail price. The public will laugh me outa wearin' +it and, on top of that, this guy will want the first five rows at the +world's series for doin' me the favor! Anyways, I don't need no +raincoat, I got two already." + +"I never seen nobody like you," says the wife. "I'll bet you think the +war was a frame-up! Accordin' to you, nobody or nothin' is on the +level, and the whole world and Yonkers is out to give you the work. I +have already talked with Mister Wilkinson, which is a nice little +innocent fellow and not a brute like you which battles night and day +with his wife, and he will have a raincoat up here for you to-morrow." + +I throwed up my hands! + +"How much is it?" I says. + +"Practically nothin'," says the wife. "Forty-five dollars." + +Oh, boy! + +"Listen!" I says, openin' the door. "Unless that bird has give you his +age in mistake for the price of the raincoat, you can tell him that if +I had forty-five bucks to hurl away like that I wouldn't wear no +raincoat. I wouldn't care if it rained or not!" + +"It's one of the latest trench models," says the wife. "I got two of +them. One for myself." + +"You and that lovely little Wilkinson will have to shoot craps for them +then!" I hollers. "I wouldn't let him take me for ninety bucks if--" + +"They are both paid for long ago," smiles the wife, pinchin' my cheek, +and pullin' the smile that used to get her photo in the magazines. "I +give him a check last week!" + +As unfortunately I am nothin' but human, I beat it before they was +violence and bloodshed. I was afraid to trust myself with speech, but +I managed to let off a little steam before I left by throwin' three +pillows and a Rumanian beer stein at Alex, havin' caught him grinnin' +at me like a idiot. + +It was about six hours before I got back and my temper had failed to +improve with age, havin' had a rough day at the ball park. We played a +double-header with the Phillies and lost a even two games. Both the +scores sounded more like Rockefeller's income tax than anything else. +Iron Man Swain pitched the first game for us and before five innin's +had come and went, I found out that the only thing iron about him was +his nerve in drawin' wages as a pitcher. Everybody connected with the +Philly team but the batboy got a hit and from the way them guys run +around the bases it looked more like a six-day race than a ball game! + +I sent in Red Mitchel to pitch the second half of the massacre, and all +he had was a boil on his arm. As far as his offerin's was concerned, +everybody on the Philly club could of been christened Home Run Baker. +When he throwed the ball on the clubhouse roof tryin' to get a guy +nappin' off first, lettin' in two extry runs instead, I went out to the +box and removed him by hand. Ed Raymond finished the game for us, and +he's so scared we might win it that he walks the first three men and +knocks the fourth guy cold with a inshoot. I didn't even stay to see +the finish--I had enough! + +One of the features of the day was the work of this so-called "Second +Ty Cobb" at short. He come to bat eleven times in the two games and +got one hit. That was a left jab from the Philly first baseman which +got peeved at bein' called a liar and bounced one off the Second Ty +Cobb's ear. At fieldin' he made more errors than the Kaiser and was +just as popular with the crowd. I give up five thousand berries and a +outfielder for him, and after them two games I couldn't of sold him as +a watch charm to the manager of a high school club! + +From all of this you may get an idea of the sweet humor I was in when I +blowed into the flat that night. My idea was to put on the feed bag, +and then go around to the corner and play a little pinochle with the +gang. Like the guy which fell off Washington's Monument I was doomed +to disappointment, because they was quite a little reception committee +awaitin' me. Among them present besides the wife was Alex and them +lovely Wilkinsons. + +The lovely Wilkinsons consisted of the regular set--husband and wife. +They had only been wed about three weeks, new time, and from the way +they behaved towards each other, a innocent bystander would think they +had only staggered away from the altar a hour before. They sit +together on the sofa, three inches closer to each other than the paper +is to the wall and both of them must of been palmists judgin' from the +way they hung on to each other's hands. The male of the layout is a +husky kid which either come direct from one of the college football +teams or had just knocked off posin' for the lingerie ads in the +subway. The female would of been a knockout, if my wife had been in +Denver, but bein' in the same room with her the best Mrs. Wilkinson +could do was to finish a good second. They is one thing about the +wife, they may be dames which can knit sweaters faster than her, but +when it comes to bein' excitin' to gaze upon she leads the league! I +don't have to tell the world that, the world keeps tellin' it to me. +This here is far from our first season as matrimoniacs, and when I say +that it still makes me dizzy to look at her, you may get a idea of how +she checks up. + +But to get back to them lovely Wilkinsons, they are sittin' there on +the sofa keepin' a close eye on each other, and Alex is givin' 'em +everything he's got in the line of chatter. They're both payin' the +same undivided attention to him that the Board of Aldermen in +Afghanistan pays to the primaries in Bird's Nest, Va. Them babies is +too busy gazin' on each other and bein' happy, and while that stuff +gets silly at times--they is worse things than that. + +After we have got the introductions all took care of, the wife rushes +me down to Delicatessen Row to grab off some extry food on account of +these added starters at our modest evenin' meal. I got a armful of +these here liberty links, _née_ frankfurters, and some liberty cabbage +which before the Kaiser went nutty was knowed as sauerkraut. They +ain't no use callin' off all the other little trinkets I got to help +make the table look tasty, especially as Mister Hoover is liable to +scan this and I don't wanna get myself in wrong, but when I got through +shoppin' I didn't have enough change left out of a five-case note to +stake myself to a joyride in the subway. + +Just as we're goin' to the post in this supper handicap, the bell +rings, and in come Eve, which same is no less than the blushin' bride +of Alex. They is now so many people in the flat that for all the +neighbors know I have opened up a gamblin' dive or one of them cabaret +things. Everybody is talkin', with the exception of me, which havin' +sit down to eat proceeded to do so with the greatest abandon, as the +guy says. Them three girls--the wife, the lovely Mrs. Wilkinson and +Eve, was sure some layout to have across the table, I'll tell the world +fair! They had the front row of the Follies lookin' like washwomen +durin' the rush hour, and all I did was sit there and eat and wonder +how in Heaven's name they ever come to fall for a set of guys like me, +Alex and the lovely Wilkinson. + +Well, the meal come to an end without no violence, and they was only +one time when it seemed like boxin' gloves would be needed. Even that +wasn't exactly _my_ fault. From the general chatter of the lovely +Wilkinson, I figured him as a big, fatheaded, good-lookin' bonehead +whose greatest trick so far had been marryin' his wife. He got my goat +a coupla times hand runnin' by dealin' himself, first, the last piece +of bread and, second, the last potato on the table. Either one of them +things would of enraged me by themselves, but pullin' 'em together was +a open dare to me to commit homicide. I laid for him for a half hour +and fin'ly I get a openin'. + +"Mister Wilkinson is packed to the ears with ambition," says the wife +to me across the table. "He expects to fall into a lot of money very +shortly." + +"I don't see how they can be no room for him to be packed with nothin' +else," I says, "after all the meat and potatoes he put away to-night. +And as far as that fallin' into a lot of money is concerned, he must be +figurin' on stumblin' at the door of the mint, hey?" + +They is a dead silence and the lovely Wilkinson give a nervous snicker +and piled up his plate with liberty links and cabbage to hide his +confusion. Alex laughs like a hyena and Mrs. Wilkinson looks even +prettier when mad than she did when tryin' to be a charmin' guest. The +wife gimme a glance that would of killed a guy with a weaker heart and +tries to laugh it off. + +"You mustn't mind him," she says. "He's always kiddin' that way about +everything. Really--I'm--I'm so angry I don't know what to do!" + +"I'll tell you what to do," I says. "See if you can get the embargo +lifted on that food down at your end of the table and ease a little +nourishment up here!" + +"He oughta leave the table!" remarks Alex. + +"You ain't talkin' to me!" I says. "I'm wonderin' if you guys will +leave the table or not. You already have eat everything else!" + +"That's right!" says the wife. "Go ahead and advertise the fact that I +have married a roughneck!" + +"My neck must of got that way from wearin' that sweater you knit me," I +says. "Hey, dearie?" + +Eve gimme a laugh, but I seen the wife was gettin' ready to bring up +the heavy artillery so I laid off. + +While the girls is seein' what soap and water will do to a pail of +dishes, I released some cigars and us strong men had a even stronger +smoke. The lovely Wilkinson seems to have somethin' on his mind and +says practically nothin', both when he talked and when he didn't. Alex +kids me about my ball team and, finely, the household cares bein' +attended to in the kitchen, we all set sail for the movies. + +The wife calls me aside, gimme a kiss and says for me to buy the +tickets. Of course after she done that I don't have to tell you who +pushed the quarters in under the cashier's window. The picture we seen +was one of them forty-eight reel thrillers and was called "Lunatic +Lily's Lover" or somethin' like that. They was a guy killed in every +reel but the first one. They was three killed in that. The picture +must of been made by the local branch of the suicide club, assisted by +a lot of candidates for the insane asylum. I'll tell the world that +the guy which wrote the scenario had at least delirium tremens. The +girls thought it was great, but I knew better and put in my time +figurin' out on the back of a envelope how many games we had to lose to +be in last place by August. + +The lovely Wilkinson gets very talkative once inside the theatre. He +starts right in on the picture and claims it's a awful thing. Every +time a guy goes over a cliff or dives off of a bridge and all the +salesladies and bankers sittin' around us gasps out loud, he speaks up +and says it's all faked with a trick camera and they ain't none of them +really doin' nothin' at all. He claims he's got a friend which used to +sell tickets for a movie theatre and he told him all about it. The +more stunts the hero of this picture does, the worse the lovely +Wilkinson gets, and it ain't long before he has captured the goat of +friend Alex, which is champion moving picture fan of the United States +and Coney Island. When the lovely Wilkinson claims that nobody in real +life could do the tricks this movie hero was pullin' off, Alex butts in. + +"How do _you_ know them things can't be done?" he says. + +"Anybody but an idiot could see that!" says Wilkinson. "The idea of +trying to make intelligent people believe that this fellow with his +hair brushed back like a rabbit's could sell one of those wealthy +millionaires gold mines and the like. Why, he'd be thrown out of the +office and--" + +"No wonder you ain't a success!" butts in Alex. + +The lovely Wilkinson shows a little spirit. + +"How do you know I ain't a success?" he says. "I'm making my good +twenty-five dollars each and every week." + +"Yeh?" sneers Alex. "I once heard tell of a feller which was makin' +thirty, but I ain't sure of it because none of the newspapers said a +word about it." He turns around and lowers his voice on account of +some hisses comin' from fans in the back. "Look here!" he says. "All +jokes to one side, they ain't nothin' that this feller done in the +picture that can't be done by anybody. A man can do anything he wants +to, _anything_, they ain't no limit--if he's got enough sand to fight +his way through whatever stands in his way! I don't care what the +thing is he wants, a man can get anything if he keeps tryin' and--" + +"You hate yourself, don't you?" butts in the lovely Wilkinson, +peevishly. "I suppose you think _you_ could do anything--" + +"I do not," says Alex. "I _know_ it! I ain't talkin' about myself +though, I'm talkin' about you. You're a young married feller with a +sweet, beautiful, and, for all I know, sensible little wife. You +people are just startin' out, and I want to see you make good. I think +you got the stuff in you somewheres, but not to be rough or nothin' of +the sort, I must say you have been a success at concealin' it so far. +Twenty-five dollars a week ain't enough wages for nobody--as long as +they's somebody makin' twenty-six--understand? And if you get where +they pay you twenty-five dollars a _minute_ instead of a week, you +wanna try and make 'em think you're worth thirty! The mistake you and +a lot of young fellers make is quittin' at a given point. They ain't +no point to quit! I bet when you was makin' eighteen dollars a week +you hustled like blazes to make twenty, but when you got up to +twenty-five you prob'ly told yourself that you was makin' as much as +most of the boys you knew and more than some, so why wear yourself out +and slave for a fatheaded boss, eh? Right in sight of the grandstand +you blew up and quit in the stretch. I bet you think right now that +you're makin' good because you're holdin' down the job, hey? That +ain't makin' good, that's stealin' the boss's money--petty larceny, and +deprivin' your future kids of a even chance--a felony! Give the boss +everything you got, and he'll pay for it. If he don't, get out and +dive in somewheres else! They ain't no place on earth where they ain't +a openin' for a live one at any hour of the day or night!" + +The lovely Wilkinson says nothin'. + +Pretty soon and much to my delight, this here picture comes to a end, +and while we're goin' out in the lobby, the lovely Wilkinson calls his +wife aside and whispers somethin' in her ear. It ain't over a second +later that we're all invited up to the Wilkinson flat for a little bite +and the like before retirin'. + +The girls starts a hot and no doubt interestin' argument about how many +purls make a knit and so forth, and the lovely Wilkinson, after +fidgetin' around a bit, calls us into another room. He closes the door +very careful. + +"I got something very personal and very important I'd like to speak to +you about," he says to Alex. + +"I'll go out on the fire escape," I says. + +"No!" he says. "I want you to stay and hear this too." He turns to +Alex again. "I been thinking over what you said in the theatre +to-night," he begins, "and I guess you're pretty near right about me. +However, I have a big chance now to make good and get out of the +twenty-five dollar class, only, as usual, luck is against me." + +"They is no such thing as luck," says Alex. "Forget about that luck +thing, put the letter 'P' before the word and you got it! That's the +first rule in my booklet, 'Success While You Wait.' I must send you +one." + +"Thanks," says the lovely Wilkinson. "You see, I'm a salesman for a +big wholesale clothing house downtown and right at the beginning of the +war I went up to Plattsburg to try for a commission in the army. I was +rejected on account of a bad eye. While I was up there, I met Colonel +Williams, who is now practically in charge of the buying of equipment +for the army. I've been trying for months to land the overcoat +contract for my house and last week I finally got things lined up. I +have got to have one thousand of our storm-proof army coats in +Washington by five o'clock to-morrow afternoon. At that time, Colonel +Williams will see me at the War Department and I can give him prices on +various lots and so forth." + +"Why do you have to bring that many coats down?" asks Alex. "Wouldn't +a couple be enough for a sample?" + +"No," says Wilkinson. "These coats are to be given to men in a +cantonment near Washington, where they will get actual wear under +varying conditions. If I'm not in Washington with them at five +to-morrow, I'll lose my chance because, the following day, men from +four rival houses have appointments with the Colonel." + +"Well," I butts in, "what's stoppin' you from goin' to Washington?" + +"Nothing is stopping _me_," he says, "but I can't get the coats down +there with me in time! The two shipments that we have sent by freight +have gone astray somewhere and, as government supplies have the right +of way over all other shipments, the express companies will not +guarantee a delivery at any set time." + +"But them coats are government supplies, ain't they?" says Alex. + +"Not yet!" says the lovely Wilkinson. "Not until they are accepted. +Right now they are nothing but samples of clothing. I've gone into +that part thoroughly." + +Alex gets up and walks around the room a coupla times, throwin' up a +smoke screen from his cigar. Then he stops and looks at his watch. + +"It's now almost eleven o'clock," he says. "Where are them coats?" + +The lovely Wilkinson looks puzzled. + +"Why," he says. "Why--they're in our stock room at 245 Broadway." + +"Can we get in there to-night?" asks Alex, reachin' for his hat. + +"I have a key," says Wilkinson, "but I'm afraid I don't quite get the +idea. I--" + +"Look here!" says Alex, very brisk. "I'm goin' to deliver you and one +thousand of them overcoats outside the War Department in Washington at +five o'clock to-morrow afternoon! What will you get if you land this +order?" + +The lovely Wilkinson leaps out of his chair. + +"Why--I--," he splutters, "I--get fifteen per cent if--but you can't +get the coats there, it's impossible! Why--" + +"Never let me hear you use that word impossible' again!" snorts Alex. +"Speak United States! I spent a half hour to-night tellin' you that a +man can do _anything_ if he wants to. Now look here, they ain't no +time to lose. I'll land you and your coats in Washington to-morrow on +time. That will cost your firm around a thousand dollars--the same +bein' the price of the means of locomotion. I will take your word of +honor that you will pay me twenty per cent of any profits you make on +any order you take as a result of my efforts. Is it a bargain? Speak +quick!" + +"If you are thinking of getting a special train," says Wilkinson, "it +can't be--" + +"Yes or no!" hollers Alex. "I'll take care of the rest!" + +"Yes!" yells the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin' around like some of Alex's +pep has entered his system. "If you put this over for me, I'll give +you _half_ of anything I get!" + +"You're gonna put it over yourself!" says Alex. "Now listen to me. +You grab a taxi and beat it down to your stock room. Get them +overcoats ready and in about a hour I'll call there for you. We're +goin' to Washington to-night and don't be over five minutes sayin' +good-by to your wife!" + +"But--" says Wilkinson, lookin' like Alex had him hypnotized. + +"Git!" bawls Alex, and slams a hat on the lovely Wilkinson's head. + +Well, within four minutes the lovely Wilkinson has beat it, leavin' +behind a astounded and weepin' wife and Alex is on the phone callin' up +the Gaflooey Auto Company's service station and in ten minutes more he +has arranged to have a truck and a mechanic chug-chuggin' outside the +house. Then he turns to me. + +"Here is another chance for you to lose some dough," he says. "I'm +gonna take Wilkinson and his trick overcoats down to Washington by way +of a auto truck. If we leave here at midnight, we got about seventeen +hours to make 225 miles, that's an average of around thirteen miles a +hour. The Gaflooey one-ton truck can make twenty, if chased. Of +course we may hit some bum roads or lose the carburetor and so forth, +which might delay us some. What'll you bet I don't put this over?" + +I walked over to the window and looked out at New York. They is one of +them rains fallin' that generally plays a week stand before passin' on +to the next village. I figured that trip in the middle of the night, +the rain and the tough goin'. + +"Gimme a proposition," I says. + +"All right," says Alex. "Me and Eve needs some furniture for the +library. I'll bet you fifteen hundred against a thousand that I get +Wilkinson in Washington in time to put over his deal." + +"I got you," I says. "If he gets there too late to put over anything +with the War Department, I win--right?" + +"Correct!" says Alex. "And now have Cousin Alice put up some +sandwiches and the like for us. I got a lot to do!" + +Well, at five minutes to twelve that night they was a Gaflooey truck +gasolined its merry way aboard a Forty-second Street ferry. On board +it was Alex, the lovely Wilkinson, one thousand storm-proof army +overcoats and yours in the faith. + +I ain't liable to forget that trip for a long while to come, because I +got soaked to the skin--with water--and just missed gettin' pneumonia +by one cough. The rain kept gettin' worse and worse and it hadn't a +thing on the roads. We went through Trenton, N. J., along around 4 +a.m. in a storm that would of made the Flood look like fallin' dew. +The mud is up over the hubs of the truck, but it keeps plowin' along at +a steady gait with Alex and the mechanic takin' turns at the wheel. I +crawled in under some of them one thousand overcoats at Philly and went +to sleep, the last I heard bein' the lovely and half-drowned Wilkinson +callin' out the time every fifteen minutes and moanin', "We'll never +make it!" + +Mornin' brung no let up in the rain, but the old Gaflooey truck keeps +thunderin' on. Sometimes we done five miles a hour, sometimes twenty +and when this big baby was goin' twenty, believe me, it was rough +sleddin'! We run into a bridge at Wilmington, Del., and at Baltimore +we bumped a Flivver off of the road, but outside of that they was +nothin' but rain and mud and the lovely Wilkinson complainin' about the +dampness, like he was the only one that was gettin' a endless cold +shower. + +It was twenty minutes of five when we rolled into the city limits of +Washington and I'll tell the world we was a rough lookin' bunch. Alex +is grinnin' from ear to ear and slappin' Wilkinson on the back and this +guy has perked up a bit, though wishin' out loud that he was home with +coffee, bacon and eggs and Mrs. Wilkinson. I am cursin' the day that +ever brung Alex into our family circle and wonderin' if death by double +pneumonia is painful. The mechanic is fallin' asleep at the wheel, +wakin' himself up from time to time with shots out of a flask and of +lemon ice-cream sodas or something he had on his hip. + +We stopped in front of the War Department and Alex says we better +straighten up ourselves and the overcoats before callin' on Colonel +Williams. At that, the mechanic falls off the seat and dives into a +restaurant and we go back to look at the coats. + +"If any of us had any brains," says Alex, jerkin' a coat off the pile, +"we would all of worn one of these here things and kept nice and +dry--_Sufferin mackerel_!" he winds up all of a sudden. + +Me and the lovely Wilkinson swings around and there's Alex holdin' up +the coat. + +Oh, boy!!!!! + +This here storm-proof army coat, which Wilkinson hoped to unload on the +U. S. army, just simply fell apart in his hands! He grabbed another +and another--and they're all alike. The rain has took all the color +outa them, they have shrunk till they is hardly enough cloth to +accommodate the buttons and the linin's, which was supposed to be +leather, has fell right to shreds from the water. All in all, they was +nothin' but a mess of soggy, muddy rags which no self-respectin' junk +dealer would of took for a gift! + +The lovely Wilkinson's face is a picture. He's as pale as the mornin' +cream and I thought for a minute he was gonna bust out cryin'. I +couldn't help feelin' sorry for the kid, but when I thought of that +wild night ride through the rain and mud to bring this bunch of garbage +to Washington, I wanted to laugh out loud! And then I remember Alex +bettin' me Wilkinson would take the order, and I haw-hawed myself +silly, right there in the street. + +"Shut up!" barks Alex, swingin' around on me. "This here is far from a +laughin' matter. It's pretty serious business!" He turns to Wilkinson +and shakes him by the shoulder. "Young man," he snaps, "is that the +kind of stuff you were goin' to put on our boys which fought for you in +France?" + +Wilkinson is lookin' at the coats like they fascinated him. + +"Why--why this is terrible!" he stammers, fin'ly. "They told +me--why--Good Heavens, you don't think _I_ knew these things were made +up like this, do you?" + +Alex studies him for a minute. + +"No," he says, "I don't! You don't look like you'd do that, anyways. +What's the name of your firm?" + +"Gerhardt and Schmidt," says Wilkinson. "I know it sounds German, but +both members of the firm have been naturalized and--" + +"Never mind that," says Alex. "Even if it wasn't no worse than a +scheme to clean up on a government contract, I think the Secret Service +will be interested in seein' them coats!" + +The lovely Wilkinson sits right down on the curb and buries his face in +his hands. + +"Good night!" he moans. "I'm done for now. I thought this was going +to be a big thing for me and--" + +Alex slaps him on the back. + +"No whinin'," he says. "We're still in Washington--you can't tell what +might happen yet." + +"You can gimme that fifteen hundred berries right now if you want, +Alex," I says, "because I'm gonna grab the next train for Manhattan. +This is _one_ that beat you and--" + +"Ssh!" says the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin' up suddenly. "Here comes +Colonel Williams himself!" + +We looked around and sure enough there's two army officers walkin' over +to the War Department. When they got opposite us, Wilkinson braces +himself and steps forward. + +"Pardon me, Colonel," he says. "I'm Mister Wilkinson of Gerhardt and +Schmidt. I had an appointment with you to-day at five to show you +those army coats." + +The Colonel looks at him. + +"Oh, yes," he says, very pleasant. "Just step inside, Mister +Wilkinson. I'll see you in my office. You are very prompt. You must +have been caught in the downpour--you're soaking wet." + +"Yes, sir," says Wilkinson. "I--ah--Colonel, I don't think there's any +use of me stepping into your office." + +"Eh--why not?" says the Colonel. + +Wilkinson turns several of the popular colors. + +"I--ah--the fact is," he says, "our coat is not what the United States +government wants, Colonel. I didn't know it at the time I solicited +the contract--I--I've just found it out. We brought the required +number of coats down here by auto truck, not being able to get them +here on time by freight or express. The trip was made in yesterday's +storm and"--he points to the mess on the truck--"there's the coats!" + +The Colonel examines a couple of them soggy rags and he gets very +severe. I heard him say somethin' that sounded like "Damn!" a couple +of times, and then he turns to Wilkinson. + +"This is a matter for the Department of Justice," he says. "You will +leave the truck and its load right here, Mister Wilkinson, and I'll +personally see that it's taken care of. Your action in coming direct +to me with this evidence is commendable. You may telegraph your firm +that the United States government is holding this shipment for +investigation. I'm sorry for your sake that this happened, as I had +all but made up my mind to give you the contract. If you desire to see +me further, I'll be in my office until six." + +With that he stamps away. The other officer who was with him has been +walkin' around the Gaflooey truck all the time and examin' it like it's +the first auto he ever seen in his life. + +"Pardon me," he says to Wilkinson, "did I understand you to say that +you made the trip from New York yesterday in the storm on this truck?" + +"Yes, sir," says Wilkinson. + +The officer pulls out a notebook. + +"What time did you leave New York?" he asks, very businesslike. + +Wilkinson tells him. Then the officer asks if we had any trouble, how +much gas and oil we used, what was our average speed and a million +other things. Alex's eyes begin to dance around, and he winks at me +like there's somethin' in the air. Fin'ly the officer walks away, +after thankin' the lovely Wilkinson for the information. + +"Now!" hollers Alex, grabbin' Wilkinson's arm. "You win!" + +"Win?" moans Wilkinson. "I'll be lucky if I don't go to jail!" + +"You're crazy!" bellers Alex, gettin' more and more excited. "You had +nothin' to do with this thing--you didn't know the coats was no good. +Forget about that, the thing is you got a chance right now to put over +a bigger thing than them overcoats. You come here to make a sale, +didn't you? All right, go to it! That officer is connected with the +purchasin' department of the government, and he wasted a lot of time +talkin' to you about that truck. Do you realize what a wonderful thing +that was to get down here O.K. in that terrible storm yesterday? +No--_you_ don't, but _he_ did! Right now he's got that there truck on +his mind. Go after him before he gets inside the buildin' and make +your sale!" + +"But," says Wilkinson, kinda dazed, "what have I got to sell? The +overcoats are--" + +"Damn the overcoats!" hollers Alex. "Sell him the truck that brought +'em down--they ain't nothin' wrong with that! If it's good enough for +a trip like that, it's good enough for the army, ain't it? Hurry up +and make an appointment with him for to-day, and I'll get you the +figures on the Gaflooey truck for a hundred or a million--I know 'em by +heart!" + +"By Heavens, I'll chance it!" says Wilkinson, and runs after the +officer. + +Comin' up on the train that night I sit in the smoker and write Alex my +check for a thousand berries. They was no two ways about it as he +showed me, because he had bet he would make Wilkinson put over a sale +in Washington. He didn't say _what_ he had to sell. The lovely +Wilkinson, which has sent about five dollars' worth of night letters to +his wife, is sittin' on the other side, delirious with joy and with a +order in his pocket for one thousand Gaflooey trucks as per the one we +come down in. Alex had wired the Gaflooey people and had Wilkinson +appointed a salesman for the Washington territory on his +recommendation. Them guys would do anything for Alex, because he put +'em on the map. With telegraphed credentials from New York, the rest +was a cinch for even the lovely Wilkinson, because the truck sold +itself! + +"They is only one thing that beats me," I says to Alex before we turn +in on the sleeper. "Why didn't _you_ sell the truck and make all the +dough yourself?" + +"Its a good thing you don't need brains in your game," says Alex, "or +you and Alice would starve! I wanted Wilkinson to make the sale all by +himself, because it will give him confidence, and then, again, he'll +advertise me. I get half of his commission, I grab a bonus from the +Gaflooey people for helpin' the sale along and then there's that +thousand bucks of yours, which I would of lost if I sold the trucks +myself. Also, I have put Mister Wilkinson over, and that's what I +started out to do!" + +"You win!" I says. "I don't see how you get away with it. It's past +me!" + +"Huh!" says Alex. "They ain't no trick to it at all--why say, even +_you_ could of done it!" + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +THE LITTLE THINGS DON'T COUNT + +They's many a guy clutterin' up a pay roll for about thirty bucks a +week, which has got more brains than his boss has income tax. When he +went to school they wasn't a day that some other kid didn't wanna +murder him because he got 100 in arithmetic and the like. He passed on +to high school and even invaded college, where he dumfounded all in +hearing with his knowledge of--everything! When he was fin'ly turned +loose on a helpless world, he was so far ahead of his class that they +held special services for him and had the regular one the next day. + +Now the dope oughta be that this marvel of intelligence should be down +in Wall Street now, tellin' J. P. Morgan and etc. that the next time +they come in late for work he'd fire 'em. Well, about once in ten +thousand times this is true. Usually, however, this guy is the bird +that takes your card at the office door and says, "Sit down, Mr. +Morgan's fifth assistant secretary will see you in a moment." And then +the head bookkeeper rings a bell and this guy says, "Yes, sir," and +jumps! + +They is a reason for this, the same as for everything else outside of +the Kaiser. The swell-dressed assassin with the ladies, which writes +such beautiful figures and knows offhand how much is thirty-three times +eighty, is fast joinin' the list of non-essential industrials. They +got a machine now which can count better than him, and don't try to +make no date with the stenographer, either! He thinks his boss is a +boob, because said boss is a little bit in doubt as to what day of the +week Napoleon joined the army, and he wonders how in heaven's name a +guy as stupid as that ever got as far as he did. The answer to that +one is easy. While _he_ was memorizin' the fact that A plus C equals +X, his _boss_ was figurin' how to hire a brainy guy like him to count +his dough! + +The wife and I are about to set sail for the movies one night, when our +French maid from the Bronx admits a interruption by the name of Alex. + +"Well," he says, kidnappin' my goat by treatin' himself to one of my +pet cigars, "I have run across another feller which I am on the verge +of makin' a success. I've studied his case carefully and all he needs +is to be set on the right track to bust all speed records." + +"Where did you meet this second-story man?" I says. + +"He ain't no burglar," says Alex; "he's some kind of a bookkeeper, and +he's got one of the sweetest little girls in love with him you ever +seen!" + +"I thought you was married," I says. + +"Now," says Alex, snubbin' me as usual, "I want to bring him up here to +dinner to-morrow night and have you meet him as he is at present. In a +short time later I'll bring him back again, and if he hasn't made +himself a success, I'll buy you all the best dinner you ever eat!" + +"Listen!" I says. "As Hoover says, 'Food will win the war--don't eat +it!' Don't be invitin' no more guys up here to dinner. It's tough +enough to have to feed _you_ three or four times a week, without you +ringin' in these guys which acts like I win them steaks and chops in a +raffle. Now I'm goin' to the movies. They's a five-reeler down at the +corner called 'She Give Her Soul!' and they ain't no man gonna keep me +from seein' that to-night." + +"Come along with us, Alex," chimes in the wife. "A couple of my girl +friends which used to be in the Winter Garden with me is in this +picture and I'm crazy to see them!" + +"Hmph!" snorts Alex. "Anybody is crazy which pays money to look at +them fool movin' pictures. If I had my way, they'd all be stopped +and--" + +"Lillian Dish is in this one," butts in the wife. "Have you seen her +lately?" + +"No!" says Alex, jumpin' up. "By mackerel, I haven't! Hurry up, we'll +be late--you people is never in time for anything! Lillian Dish, hey? +Say! Did you see her in 'What's a Wife?' She was great! Why I--" + +I dragged the both of them out. + +Promptly at seven the next night Alex comes up with his new-found +friend. I let forth a groan and told the maid to lay a couple more +plates, but to slice everything as thin as possible without cuttin' her +hands. The stranger was a tall, slim bird which wouldn't have been +bad-looking if he hadn't been so serious. He acted like it was a +felony to smile, and got my name wrong the first four times he repeated +it. + +Well, after the sound of clashin' knives and forks had died away, the +wife dolls all up and goes over to visit the hero which wed Alex; and +us strong men repairs to the parlor, where the cigars clink merrily and +the like. + +The stranger's name turned out to be S. Jared Rushton, and after a +while I figured the "S" stood for "Silly." This guy knowed more about +figures than the stage manager at the Follies. He was a hound for +numbers, dates and etc. He had a better memory than a loan shark, and +a encyclopedia would look stupid alongside of him. No matter what the +subject was, this guy knowed more about it than the bird which wrote it +and would butt in with the figures to prove it. Fin'ly, when I struck +a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of them used in New York +every fiscal year, I went out into the kitchen for air! + +[Illustration: I struck a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of +them used in New York every fiscal year.] + +At first it was kinda interestin' and entertainin' to get the inside +dope on _everything_ at practically no cost, but they is such a thing +as bein' _too_ clever; and when it become impossible to speak of +anything on earth from bankin' to beer, without this bird buttin' in +with all the figures on it, I got enough! I tried to yawn him into +goin' home, and he notices I got two bum teeth. That furnished him +with a scenario for tellin' me that every year 490,517 people is +treated by dentists in New York alone, and I says I can't help it and +he mustn't of got a wink or sleep the night he counted 'em. + +"Oh," he says, "it's very simple. I carry all those figures in my +head." + +"Why not?" I says. "They's plenty of room there!" + +He looked kinda peeved; but before he could come back at me, Alex takes +things in hand. + +"Jared," he says, "you are certainly a educated citizen. With all them +interestin' facts and figures in your head you must be very valuable to +the firm you work for, hey?" + +Jared throws out what chest he had with him. + +"Well," he says, "I saved the Hamilton Construction Company just +$6,547.98 last year by cutting down the excessive use of lead pencils +and blotters alone!" + +"That's fine!" says Alex. "No doubt they give you a handsome bonus for +that, hey?" + +"Of course," says Jared. "They raised my salary to thirty-five dollars +a week. I was only getting thirty-two and a half." + +"You saved them six thousand last year and they raised you about a +hundred and thirty, eh?" says Alex. "Now, listen! Why couldn't you +have made that six thousand for _yourself_ just as easy?" + +"Why--I--why--" stammers Jared. "I have no chance to make anything but +my salary. I'm simply working there, and--" + +"And you always will be, if you don't get wise to yourself!" butts in +Alex. "Your boss--" + +"My boss, eh?" sneers Jared. "Say, he hasn't got the brains of a gnat! +He'd be absolutely up in the air if I wasn't at his elbow with data and +estimates on everything. He doesn't know anything, and--" + +"No, I guess not!" butts in Alex, with a odd grin. "He don't know +anything--only how to make money! Say, listen! If this boss of yours +is such a boob, what must _you_ be? You're _workin'_ for him, ain't +you? Why should he have any brains, when he can rent yours for +thirty-five dollars a week? Now, listen to me, son. You know a little +about everything on earth, with the slight exception of yourself! The +figures that should interest you more than anything else is these: For +every dollar _you_ make, your boob boss is makin' a thousand. Ever +figure them statistics along with the other stuff?" + +Jared registers embarrassment. "Look here!" he says. "I really don't +see the reason of all this. I consider myself quite successful. I may +not be making a million a week, but I'm always sure of my job, and +that's quite a lot!" + +"You're always sure of your job, hey?" bawls Alex. "That's the slogan +of the quitter! 'I'm gettin' my little old salary fifty-two weeks a +year, and that's good enough for me.' That's the motto of the loser." +With that he jumps up and sticks his face so close to Jared I thought +he was gonna bite him or the like. "What about the future?" he +hollers. "You must have brains, or you couldn't of collected that mass +of junk in your dome. You got a million dollars' worth of salable +stuff from the top of your collar to the crown of your derby and you're +peddlin' it away for thirty-five a week. I'll bet right now you could +produce a scheme for gettin' a quarter that would be unbeatable, +legitimate, and successful. But if you was asked to dope out a scheme +for gettin' twenty-five thousand dollars, the size of the figures alone +would knock that thinker of yours cold! You can't think that big. +Your mind's all cluttered up with little things. It's a junk pile. +The same concentration and perseverance on some one _big_ thing would +put you over--and if you don't believe it, ask your boob boss, which +undoubtedly did just that and is now keepin' you!" + +"That's all rot!" remarks Jared. "There's about one chance in a +million of getting over in New York. You've got to get in right, and +even then it's largely a matter of luck! If I was ever asked, I'd tell +every young man to keep away from New York. The town's too big! It +swallows you up and you're buried there till--" + +Zam!!! Alex bounces outa his chair and shakes his finger under Jared's +nose. + +"That's not true!" he hollers. "Listen to me, young feller! I came +here a short time ago with one-tenth of the ability that you got. New +York looked as cold and hard to me as it does to any rube that slinks +in from the outlands, crazy with the desire to capture it. But instead +of drivin' me back to the dear old farm, the tough conditions here +_attracted_ me. That is, takin' for granted your statement that they +are tough, which I don't believe. I know that a man with the genuine +goods can deliver them here at top price quicker than any other place +on earth." + +"But wait!" interrupts Jared, seemin' to catch some of Alex's pep. +"Your case was exceptional. You must admit--" + +"I don't admit nothin'!" roars Alex. "Suppose your argument is true. +Let's say the chances for success here _are_ slim. All right, fine! +That's what made _me_ stick! Your own argument makes New York _the_ +place to make good in. If there's satisfaction in winnin' over one man +or a thousand, think of a hard-won square victory over six millions! +Why, boy, the very quality of the competition here keeps a man on his +toes and, if he makes good _here_, he's _done_ somethin'!" + +Well, believe me, when Alex wound up that speech they was so much pep +in the room I felt like goin' out and tellin' Rockefeller I'd forgot +more about the oil game than he ever knew! Jared looks kinda dazed and +Alex never gives him a chance to get set. + +"How about--ah--Miss Evans?" he says; "have you thought about her?" + +"See here!" busts out Jared. "We won't discuss Mab--er--Miss Evans." + +Alex grins. + +"That's fine!" he says. "I'm glad you got some spirit left; they's +hope for you yet! Let's see," he goes on, like they had been no +interruption at all, "how long have you known Miss Evans?" + +"Over a year," says Jared. "But I don't see what--" + +Alex points a finger at him. + +"You love her, don't you?" he barks out. + +"Of course I do!" mumbles Jared, like he's answering without knowin' it. + +"Then why don't you marry her?" + +Jared stares at him like he's in a trance. + +"_Marry_ her?" he gasps. "Marry her? Why if I ever asked her _that_, +she wouldn't even let me call on her any more!" + +"You're crazy!" remarks Alex pleasantly. "Now listen, son! You been +goin' around with that girl over a year, and if she didn't reciprocate +your feelin' for her, you wouldn't of lasted that long. Jared, old +boy, a year is too long to monopolize a girl without declarin' +yourself! You're spoilin' her chances, and it's dead wrong! They is +plenty of other young men which would give their left eye to take her +to the movies and the like, but they're layin' off because, havin' +always seen her with you, they take it for granted they is no chance. +That's fine right now for both of you; but if anything should arise +that would make you two part, it won't be as easy for her to replace +you. Now you need a incentive, and a strong one, to put you across. +They is no bigger incentive on earth than matrimony. Go to her and +ask--" + +"One minute!" butts in Jared. "I never was talked to like this in my +life before, and why I'm permitting you to discuss my personal affairs, +I don't know. As long as I am, I'll go through with it. What you say +may be true, but this girl is different, and--" + +"Jared," says Alex, "I don't doubt that she's different, but, +nevertheless, she's a member of the well-known female sex, and I'm +basin' my dope on that! I'll tell you what I'll do with you. You ask +Miss Evans to marry you, and, if she refuses, I'll give you a job +myself for fifty dollars a week; fifteen more than you get now. If she +accepts, you gotta raise yourself by your own efforts to fifty dollars +a week within six months, or go to work for me for twenty. Now if you +got some red blood in you, let's see it!" + +Well, Jared gets up and walks around the room for a minute and fin'ly +he comes over and holds out his hand to Alex. + +"You're on!" he says. "Only, I'll say this: If Mabel--er--Miss Evans, +accepts me, I'll be so happy that I won't be good for _any_thing for a +month. If she refuses me, I'll _never_ be any good any more! However, +I'll try it. Perhaps I've been asleep. I don't know. But if this +girl ever marries me--" He stops and bangs his fists on the table. +"Oh, boy!!!!" he winds up. + +Just then they is a ring at the telephone. The maid makes a entrance +and claims Mr. Jared Rushton is wanted. In about five minutes, Jared +comes back and apologizes. + +"My boss, Mr. Hamilton," he says. "I've always got to let him know +where he can get in touch with me after office hours. I gave him your +phone number before I came here to-night." He turns to Alex. "That's +what it is to be a valuable man," he says. "The boss wants me to get +all the data together for an estimate on one of the biggest contracts +we've ever had a whack at. That means I'll be up all night, so I'll +have to leave now. Our four big contract experts are scattered 'round +the country and the boss will have to go after this one himself +to-morrow. There will be a conference at the Hotel Dubois, and--" + +Alex jumps up, his eyes flashin'. + +"Why can't _you_ go after that contract?" he shoots out. + +Jared looks like he's been hit on the chin. + +"_Me_?" he stammers. "Why--why--" + +"Why, why, nothin'!" butts in Alex. "Here's a chance for you to show +Miss Evans, your boss, and the rest of the world what's in you. If +your boss calls on you for the figures in this thing, then you must +know more about it than he does, or anybody else in the office. Can +you get him on the phone?" + +"But--but I have never sold anything in my life!" says Jared. "You +don't understand this thing at all. It requires experience and--oh, +it's silly to even think of it! Why--" + +"Yeh?" butts in Alex. "What's his number?" He rushes to the phone. + +"Say, listen--please!" pleads Jared; "it's not a bit regular and--why, +he'd fire me out of hand if I ever did anything like this!" + +"The number!" bawls Alex, with the receiver off the hook. + +"Riverside 33,312," stammers Jared, wringin' his hands. "But look +here, you mustn't--" + +Alex gets the number and Jared falls back in a chair, and mutters +somethin' about bein' ruined for life. In another minute, Alex is +announcin' to somebody that Mr. Jared Rushton wishes to speak to Mr. +Hamilton on a matter of the greatest importance. Jared lets forth a +wail like a dyin' fish or the like, and then Alex grabs him by the arms. + +"Now, go to it!" he says. "Tell him you want a chance at this contract +yourself. Say you know more about it than anyone else and have been +plannin' the thing for weeks. You don't _think_ you can land this +contract--you _know_ it!" + +"But," wails Jared, "I _don't_ know--" + +Alex shoves him over to the phone. + +Well, the funniest conversation you, I, or anybody else ever heard +begins right then and there. Jared starts off kinda weak and tremblin' +and I felt sorry for him, because from his answers it looked like a +cinch that he was fired. Pretty soon he gets a little stronger, and in +a few minutes he was talkin' like the boss was workin' for _him_! The +only way I can figure it is that Alex had hopped him up so much that he +got to where he believed himself that he was the only man on earth that +could land this contract. When Jared says if he don't get this chance +he's gonna quit his job right then and there and the boss can look +elsewhere for the estimate figures, I almost fell off the couch, and +Alex does a war dance. + +Bang! Jared slams down the receiver and swings around on Alex. + +"Well," he snaps out, "you've done it! I am to be at the Hotel Dubois +at eleven to-morrow to meet the representatives of one of the biggest +steel concerns in the country. I'm to take from them a contract +running into millions. If I don't get it, I'm fired. If I do get +it--well, there's no use talking about that part of it, because I +won't!" + +With that he sinks into a chair and buries his head in his hands. Alex +keeps right on top of him. + +"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands together. "Now call up Miss Evans +and ask her to marry you!" + +"What?" shrieks Jared, bouncin' up from his chair. "What is this? A +nightmare? You've already probably cost me my job, and now you want to +wreck my happiness! I was a fool to listen to you. I--" + +"Sure!" says Alex. "Let's get her on the phone right away." + +Jared looks wildly around the room and grabs for his hat. Alex pushes +him back in a chair. + +"Now, you listen to me!" he snarls, all the grin gone from him. "You +are at this minute facin' the biggest thing that's ever come into your +thirty-five-dollar-a-week life. You got a chance now to rise above the +mob. You also got a chance to marry what is the greatest girl in the +world, accordin' to your own admission. If you ask her to marry you +_before_ you go after this contract and she accepts you, think of the +confidence you'll have! Why, boy, if this girl says she'll marry you, +they ain't nothin' in New York can stop you from goin' over the top! +Go on! You're all worked up now--go to it before you get cold!" + +Jared grabs up the phone receiver, pale as a ghost. + +"By heavens!" he says. "I--you--if--Gimme Morningside 77,638, quick!" + +Alex closes the door and pulls me into the other room. + +"That there's gonna be private," he says. + +"Where did you meet this Miss Evans?" I says. + +"H'mph!" grunts Alex. "I never seen the girl in my life! Jared simply +told me about her, that's all!" + +"Well," I says, "you certainly have balled things up. They ain't a +doubt in my mind but that you've made that poor boy lose his job; and +as far as I can see you're gonna make him lose his girl, too! I'd hate +to be you when he staggers away from that phone!" + +"Yeh?" grins Alex. "Well, I'll tell you somethin': As long as I'm +goin' to all this trouble, I might as well get somethin' outta it. +I'll bet you ten thousand to five the girl marries him and he lands the +contract. If he loses either one, or both, you win!" + +"Write it!" I says. + +He hain't no more than handed the thing over to me, when in comes +Jared. His face is all flushed and he acts like a guy walkin' in his +sleep. + +"I know neither of you will believe it," he says, in a far-away voice. +"In fact, I think I'm dreaming, myself!" + +"What did she say?" demands Alex, shakin' him. + +"She said yes!" hollers Jared, in a voice that must of woke up sleepers +in Kansas City. "Let me have my hat, I want to go over to her right +away!" + +"Well, what do you think of my dope now, hey?" says Alex. + +"I'll never be able to thank you for what you've done for me!" says +Jared, holdin' out his hand. "Why, just imagine! This wonderful girl +is going to be my wife and I had no more idea--Why, this girl is as +different from any other as--But you wouldn't understand--" + +"I understand perfect!" says Alex, shakin' his hand. "And now the next +thing is that contract, which should be a cinch for you after what you +just done. Go over and see her now, but don't forget them figures on +the--" + +"Contract?" butts in Jared, jammin' on his hat. "What's a contract to +me now? I'm going to marry the greatest girl in the world, man! Can +you imagine her accepting me! Oh, boy!!!!!" + +With that he does a few little fancy steps around the room, throwing a +twenty-dollar pillow at Alex and a book at me. + +This here's a new angle, and Alex grabs him. + +"Look here!" he says. "I know you're in a hurry, so I don't want to +hold you up now; but you wanna recover from this here till you land +that contract! You'll lose your job if you don't, and you ain't gonna +start off married life outta work, are you?" + +"I should worry!" sings Jared, still one-steppin' about the room. "I +can get another job--forty of 'em! I can get anything at all, now. +She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!" + +[Illustration: "She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!"] + +He dashes for the door, and Alex runs after him. + +"What time is the appointment with the big steel men?" he shrieks in +his ear. + +"What's a big steel man to me?" asks Jared, struggling to get away. +"What's anything? I'll bet she would have accepted me long ago if--" + +"What time is that conference?" howls Alex. + +"I care not!" sings Jared, throwing the phone book up in the air, and a +idiotic grin at me. "I'm going to have a quiet wedding and--" + +I thought Alex was gonna choke him! + +Personally, I developed a bad case of the hystericals. + +"The time?" screams Alex. + +"Eleven o'clock," says Jared. + +"Will you promise me on your word of honor to meet me at that hotel at +ten to-morrow, in view of what I done for you?" says Alex. + +"Sure!" hollers Jared. "I'll promise anything! Look what's been +promised to me!" + +With that he breaks away from Alex and dives out the door. + +Alex comes back and sinks down into a chair, wipin' off his fevered +brow with a handkerchief. + +"That baby is a plain nut!" I remarks. + +"Whew!" pants Alex. "I started somethin' now, that's sure! Still, I +don't blame the boy. I felt the same way when Eve claimed she'd wed +me, and I guess you did too when Alice went temporarily insane and +brung you into the family. If I can keep him keyed up to that pitch +to-morrow, he'll land that contract, and I'll land your five thousand!" + +"He won't land nothin'!" I says. "He's gone nutty now, and you'll be +lucky if he shows up at all. This here's _one_ bet I win!" + +"Yeh?" snaps Alex, gettin' up and reachin' for his hat. "D'ye wanna +take five thousand more of it?" + +"No!" I says. "Good night!" + +At nine forty-five the next mornin', which is practically the middle of +the night for me, Alex comes around and drags me outta bed. He says +he's goin' down and watch Jared put the contract over and he wants me +along to witness the losin' of my bet. + +We are in the lobby of the hotel gettin' ready to have Jared paged, +when along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from the +Follies when Ziegfield was busy countin' up the receipts or somethin'. +I'll tell the world fair she was _some_ girl. + +She's lookin' at Jared like he was the eleventh wonder of the world, +and he's gazin' back at her like she was the other ten. + +"Hello!" hollers Alex, grabbin' Jared's hand and makin' believe it's a +pump handle. "Congratulations! I wish I felt as happy as both you +folks look!" + +"You couldn't!" says Jared, still with that dazed look on his face. +"This is my future wife, gentlemen. We're on our way down for the +license now. Come on along as witnesses. We're going to be married +right--" + +"What about that steel contract?" Alex butts in. "Did you get the +figures all together last night?" + +"I did not!" says Jared. "What do I care about a steel contract? I +landed a bigger contract than that, and--" + +"Pardon me," interrupts the girl, with her million-dollar smile. "What +is this contract regarding the steel?" + +Alex tells her the whole dope from start to finish, and when he gets +through the girl turns to Jared and says the followin': + +"Well, dear, I suppose this horrid old business could wait, but just +run up and land that contract for a--a--wedding gift for me! It +shouldn't take you very long. I'll wait here for you." + +Oh, boy!!! Talkin' about "just runnin' up and landin'" a +million-dollar contract like she was sendin' him for stamps or the like! + +"All right, honey," says Jared; "I'll be down in five minutes!" + +They was _fifteen_ minutes partin'. + +Alex and Jared and I got in the elevator, and on the way up Jared +talked about nothin' else but his comin' marriage. When Alex tried to +butt in and ask regardin' the estimate for this steel job, Jared gets +peevish and says that will be a cinch and is practically over with; but +what's worryin' him is the best place to go for a honeymoon! + +We are met at the door of the room by a little bald-headed guy, and +Jared introduces himself. The little guy looks at us and says he +presumes we are Jared's associates--whatever that is. Before Jared can +deny the charge, Alex presents him with a kick on the shins and says we +are all of that. + +Inside, they is a long table and four more guys sittin' at it. They +all look like Wall Street and large money, and the table is covered +with papers. Jared sits down and begins hummin' "Here Comes the +Bride," and we sit down beside him. One guy gets up and says they have +talked with five big contractors already, and they ain't made up their +mind which bid to accept. If Jared can show them somethin' better than +they've seen, the order is all his. Jared pulls out his watch and gets +up. + +"Gentlemen," he says, "I have an appointment with my future wife in +five minutes. I will be on time! I don't know what these other +fellows have offered to do for you, but I'll say this: We can erect +your plant for exactly $1,789,451.92. That's our lowest price, and if +we talked all day I couldn't take off a cent! My concern is known all +over the country for the sterling quality of workmanship and materials +it employs on every job, whether it's the erection of a lamp post or a +city--and we've done both! We will be pleased to list you among the +thousands of our satisfied patrons." + +With that he reaches for his hat and would of been out of the door, if +Alex hadn't held him back with a look. + +"But," says one guy, "your figures are more than ten thousand dollars +over your nearest competitor's. How about that?" + +Jared is starin' out the window. + +"I figure we can get a nice flat in the Bronx for about eighty a +month," he says, half to himself. "What do you pay?" he finishes, +turnin' to Alex. + +Alex says nothin', and the five guys look at each other kinda funny. + +"When could your firm begin work?" asks one of them. + +"Immediately!" says Jared. "I'm going to use your phone here for a +minute and telephone my future wife. She's downstairs waiting and will +be worried sick--I said I'd be right back!" He walks across the room, +while them guys all stare after him like they're in a trance +themselves. "Still," mutters Jared, "she mightn't like to live in the +Bronx at that!" + +While he's on the phone, the five guys puts their heads together and +has a whispered conference. By the time he's finished, so are they. + +"Mr. Rushton," says the little guy, gettin' up and clearin' his throat, +"we have decided to give you the contract. Your methods of +salesmanship are somewhat unusual--but they may be due to your extreme +confidence, which anybody can see is the right kind of stuff in that +line and--" + +The little guy goes on with a lot of talk about figures, to which Alex +and me listens respectfully and Jared don't listen at all. And fin'ly +the little guy says again that they're gonna give Jared the contract, +and mebbe, if his future wife is waiting-- + +"Thanks!" says Jared. "She _is_ waiting and--" + +"Shall we draw up the contract now?" butts in Alex. "They's a notary +on this floor." + +In half a hour we are down in the lobby again, havin' had to hold Jared +by main force long enough to sign this thing. The first guy we bump +into is his boss! + +"Where have _you_ been?" he hollers at Jared. "I suppose you've +botched everything all up. I'll be the laughing stock of New York! +Where are those figures for that steel contract?" + +Jared looks at him for a minute like, Who is this person? Then he +reaches into his pocket and pulls out the contract. + +"Here's your old contract!" he says. "I'm going to take a month off. +I'm going to get married. When I come back I want seventy-five dollars +a week to start and a job as head of the contract department. And, +also--don't never yell at me like that again." + +I thought his boss would die of apoplexy then and there. He stares at +Jared, snatches the contract, reads a few lines--and then I got the +idea he was gonna kiss all of us! + +"My boy, you're a wonder!" he says. "I always knew you had the stuff +in you! I'll discuss--the--er--the matter of your salary when you come +back." + +"We'll finish it right now!" butts in Jared. "I don't want nothing +worrying me while I'm on my honeymoon. Do I get that or don't I?" + +"But," stammers the boss, "your commission on that contract alone will +run--" + +"Yes or no!" says Jared very cold. + +"Yes!" says the boss, with a sigh that could be heard in Harlem. "No +wonder you landed that contract if you went after them that way! I've +been asleep!" + +"No," says Jared, "I've been doing the dreaming." + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +ART IS WRONG + +Every time some guy goes over the top to notoriety and money in this +movie called life, they is some 5,678,954 also rans which wags their +heads from side to side and says, "Well--no wonder. He was born that +way and couldn't help himself!" Then, they go back to their dub jobs +and wish they was lucky. + +That stuff is all wrong! A guy may be born with different color hair +from the next guy, but he's never born with any secret of success that +the kid in the adjoinin' crib ain't got. All you need to be born with +in order to get the world familiar with your last name is the usual +number of arms, legs and etc. and a mad habitual yearnin' to make good +that a sudden hypodermic of success don't kill. Anything but failure +is possible to a hustler, and by a hustler I don't mean one of them +breezy birds which makes a lotta noise, thinks they is only one letter +in the alphabet and that's the one after "H," but the guy which takes +setbacks as encouragement and quits tryin' the day the undertaker is +called in. + +They's many a big artist whose ancestors thought paint was used for the +sides of barns only, they's many a famous actor whose father figured +Shakespeare was the name of a puddin', they's many a big league author +come from families which confined their readin' matter to the city +directory, and so it goes all along the line--Columbus's old man was a +cotton picker. You don't inherit success, you take it by force, usin' +your ambition, nerve and ability as the weapons. + +The above information was handed on to me by Alex. He says Broadway is +too narrow and Vermont moonlight had it lookin' dark at night and he +then proceeds to wed one of the prettiest girls that ever looked over +the Winter Garden footlights--she makes homemade bread now, too! The +first time he went to the Metropolitan Opera House he claims he'd like +grand opera if they wouldn't sing and when does the acrobats come out, +yet the next week he's able to take a apartment on Riverside Drive. +This here is just a few of the things Alex done to break up the dull +monotony of life in a burg where that and death is mere incidents. + +The wife and I is sittin' together in the parlor one night and she's +knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make me off her for life, +whilst I'm readin' aloud to her from the only novel in which true love +and the like don't win out in the end. It's called "Simpson's +Universal Educator" and the subject we are on is how wet is the +Pacific, or some such hot stuff as that. They is a ring at the bell +and the wife grabs the book outa my hand and slings about thirty +dollars' worth of wool over my arms. + +[Illustration: She's knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make +me off her for life.] + +"Sit up straight," she says, "and look interested in this! You're +helpin' me knit--get that? Look as if you like it and the minute the +door opens call me dear." + +"What's the idea?" I says, sittin' there with my arms out straight and +stiff before me like a doll or the like. "I don't get--" + +"Sssh!" she whispers. "That's probably Ruth Hopper and her husband. +She's trying to get him to quit playing pinochle all night and she +wants to show him what a ideal husband does." + +"A pinochle fiend, hey?" I says. "Well, lead him on! We got a little +game down at the corner and he'll just make up the set. It's gettin' +around time for me to leave anyways. I been in a half hour now and--" + +Well, at that moment our charmin' maid leads in no less than Alex and +his wife Eve. Speakin' of good lookers, this dame would make Morgan +forget about Wall Street, and she's wearin' a dress that must of put +some Fifth Avenue store over. But the wife begins bein' pleasant to +gaze upon and a delight to the naked eye where Eve leaves off. Why, +she's got a movie contract which she holds over my head every time I +stay out till ten o'clock and the like. Them two dames in the one room +is more than the average guy can stand and how they ever come to fall +for a coupla guys like me and Alex is a subject for bigger brains than +mine. They say women is peculiar, hey? Well, it's a good thing for +the average guy that they are! + +"Well!" remarks Eve, lookin' from me to the wife. "How perfectly +sweet! If you two only knew what a pretty picture you make!" + +[Illustration: "How perfectly sweet! If you two only knew what pretty +picture you make!"] + +"Yeh," I says, gettin' up and dumpin' the near sweater on the table. +"You'd almost think we wasn't married, hey?" + +"Speaking of pictures," says the wife, allowin' Alex to kiss her--a +thing I loathe, "let's all go down and see 'Wronged By Mistake.' They +tell me--" + +"Nothin' stirrin'," I butts in. "I wanna see Beryldine Nearer in 'The +Woman Which Lost.' She's some dame, believe me! If I was the leadin' +man in her pictures I'd work for nothin'." + +"Is that so?" says the wife, her voice as cold as Cape Nome. "Why +didn't you marry her then instead of me?" + +"She didn't ask me till it was too late," I says, grinnin' like a wolf. + +"Here, here!" says Alex. "How is it you people is always quarrelin' +every time I come here for a visit?" + +"We figure you'll get sore and beat it," I says. + +"Now, boys," says Eve, "let's forget we are all one family and be +friends. Why aren't you folks out celebratin' peace to-night?" + +"We wasn't invited," I says. "And I have bought my last ticket from a +speculator." + +"Invited?" says Eve, which always takes everything except Alex serious. +"Why, all New York seems to be on Broadway!" + +"That's what people from Chicago always thinks," I says. "But they's +more to the town than that." + +"Oh, hush that near comedy," says the wife. "C'mon, we're going to see +'Wronged By Mistake.'" + +"I'll see Beryldine Nearer," I says in a loud and angry voice, "or we +don't go nowhere!" + +We went to see "Wronged By Mistake." + +The movin' picture company which is responsible for this film claims it +cost them $100,000 to make the picture. Maybe it did, I don't know. +What I do know is that it cost me $1000 to see it! Why? Lend me your +ears, as the dumb guy said. + +The hero of this here picture was no less than Carrington De Vire. +This guy's name is familiar in burgs where they don't know if Wilson or +Washington is still president of the United States. His name is on +more collars than you ever seen and he gets more money a week than you +and me makes in six years, even if you cut his advertised salary in +half. He's prob'ly caused more girls to take their pens in hand than +any massage cream in the world and to say he is a handsome dog is like +remarkin' that the Grand Canyon is pleasant to look at. The only +magazine which ain't printed his photo at least once with a auto, a +country place and a coupla trick dogs at his side is the _Hardware +Trade Review_ and the _Steamfitters' Friend_. + +The minute Carrington De Vire appears on the screen and gives the +natives a treat by presentin' one and all with a pleasant smile, the +wife and Eve begins to rave about him out loud. He kisses the leadin' +woman and they let forth a sigh which would of made me jealous only I +got too much brains. The villain slams him, prob'ly because he got +sick of lookin' at the big fathead, and the women groans. He knocks +the villain kickin' and they applaud their hands off and when he fights +his way through a gang of supes which will lose their jobs if they +don't fall when he hits 'em, I thought most of the female part of the +audience would pass away with joy! + +"I think he's simply wonderful, don't you?" murmurs Eve to the wife. + +They is no argument about it. + +Alex give a snort. + +"If they's anything wonderful about that feller," he says, "then I'm +more astonishin' than wireless. Anybody can do that stuff! Why--" + +"Why, the idea!" butts in Eve. "I actually believe you're jealous. I +think Carrington De Vire is simply divine--marvelous!" + +"Wait till you see Niagara Falls," I says. + +"Both of them are jealous," says the wife. "I'm surprised at Alex +saying that any one could act as well as Carrington De Vire. Why, I +think he's got Faversham beaten a mile. You have to be born with +talent like that!" + +"I think the wife's right in one thing at last," I says. "I like them +male movie heroes and carbolic acid the same way, but you got to hand +it to this bird--he's _some_ actor! Yep, Alex, you can't learn that +stuff out of no book, you gotta be born with it." + +"You're all crazy!" announces Alex, with another snort. "I can go out +right now and dig up a dozen fellers which never seen a camera in their +life and they'll duplicate anything Carrington De Vire ever did on a +screen. Where does he get off to be wonderful? Some feller with +brains writes a play, another feller with money puts it on and then +another feller with technical knowledge tells De Vire, which ain't got +none of them things, where to stand and the like while he acts it. +Why--" + +"Ridiculous!" butts in Eve. "Carrington De Vire has extraordinary +talent. He has thousands of admirers all over the country. +Why--why--he's famous!" + +"Of course," says the wife. "It's too silly to talk about. Alex has +reached the stage now where he thinks he can do anything!" + +"Yeh?" says Alex. "Well, I reached the stage where I thought I could +do anything about three minutes after I was born! I'll bet right now I +can go down to the docks or some place and get a handsome stevedore and +make him as big a star as Carrington De Vire in six months!" + +"Don't be idiotic," laughs Eve. "Imagine a stevedore as a moving +picture star!" + +"Why not?" demands Alex, lookin' like the idea had made a hit with him. +"Ain't a stevedore as good as anybody else? I'll bet a thousand +dollars even that I can catch one or somebody like him and make him a +movie star. What d'ye say?" + +"I'll say this," I says. "We come here to see this picture and not to +hear you make a speech. This here's a theatre and not no race track +and forget about that bettin' thing. If you can make a movie star out +of a stevedore, I can make a watch outa a hard boiled egg!" + +They is some people behind us which can't see the picture on account of +us talkin' and they begin to hiss at us. It bothers Alex the same as +rain worries a duck. + +"Is they steam escapin' somewheres?" he remarks, turnin' his head. +"Why, brakemen have became railroad presidents," he goes on, +"bootblacks have became bankers, prize fighters have turned evangelists +and the United States has went dry. Why shouldn't a stevedore become a +movie star?" + +"We'll all become throwed outa here if you don't keep quiet!" I says. + +"Ssh, Alex," says the wife. "Don't get so excited about it. There's +no use attempting the impossible and--" + +"They ain't nothin impossible!" butts in Alex. "I'm willin' to prove +it. Why don't somebody bet me, hey?" + +"Why don't you hire Madison Square Garden for that speech?" hisses a +guy behind us. "Heavens, what a pest!" + +"Call the usher," puts in a dame with him. "Them people has did +nothin' but talk since they come in here!" + +"What d'ye want us to do--sing?" growls Alex. + +"Alex, be still!" whispers Eve. "I've missed the whole picture through +your talking. Now we'll have to stay and see it all over again." + +"Have a nice time," says Alex, gettin' up and grabbin' my arm. "We'll +wait outside for you. One dose a day of Carrington De Vire is all I +can take!" + +The bunch in back glares at us and says somethin' about what a crime it +is to let drunken men come into a theatre. + +Outside on the pavement, Alex lets forth a snort and whiffs the fresh +air like it was wine. + +"Think of my wife sittin' in there and worshippin' that big stiff," he +snarls. "And yours, too!" + +"We all have our faults," I says. "I knowed a guy once which was crazy +over fried parsnips." + +"They ain't nothin' to laugh at in this," he says, slappin' his hands +together. "I ain't a jealous man, but no movie hero is gonna be no god +to my wife!" + +"Why don't you go in the movies yourself, then?" I says. "They might +hire you for a picture with Carrington De Vire in it, and you can knock +him kickin' in five reels or the like." + +"Huh!" says Alex, "what do I care about the movies? I got a better +plan than that and it will accomplish the same purpose. I'll show Eve +and the rest of you how easy it is to be a movie hero--I'll make money +out of it, too!" he adds, with the old glitter in his eyes. + +"What are you gonna do?" I says. "Speak quick, I can't stand +excitement!" + +For answer he takes me into the hotel across the street and leads me +into the writin' room. He sits down and writes on a piece of paper for +a minute and then he hands it to me. + +"Cast your eyes over that," he says, "and if it's satisfactory--sign +it!" + +This is what I read, + +"I, Alex Hanley, agree to hire one handsome, tall and perfectly built +stevedore, longshoreman, truck driver or some one engaged in a equally +honest profession, one who has never appeared before a camera or upon +any stage and who has no knowledge of theatricals, and within six +months from date to make him a full fledged, acknowledged star of the +moving pictures. + +"In the event of said undertaking being successful, the undersigned +agrees to pay Alex Hanley one thousand dollars. In the event of +failure, Alex Hanley agrees to forfeit the same sum." + +I handed it back to him. + +"Listen!" I says. "Don't be a nut _all_ your life. You got as much +chance of--" + +"Did you ever see me fall down on anything?" he butts in, dippin' a pen +in the ink and handin' it to me. + +"Not even a banana peel," I admits. "But they is a limit to +everything--even the war's over. In the first place, even if you could +do this, it would cost you more than a thousand dollars and--" + +"Leave that to me," he says, pushin' over the pen. "And sign here!" + +"But--" I says. + +"Hurry up, the ink will be dry," he cuts me off. + +I give in. + +"Alex," I says. "This is a crime! If I ever win one bet in my life, +I'll win this one. You'll make a movie star outa a stevedore, hey? +Why--" + +"Want a thousand more?" he grins pleasantly. + +"No!" I hollers. "Let's go over and meet the girls." + + +The search for the future king of the movies begins merrily the next +day. I went with Alex to see that he didn't put nothin' over on me and +at the end of the week he had dug up three promisin' leads. They was a +plumber's helper which had a wonderful figure, but a scar on his cheek +showed up in a snapshot Alex took of him and he was laid aside with a +sigh. Then they was a waiter which was better lookin' than Mary +Pickford, but a trifle stoop-shouldered. The third guy was hustlin' +baggage at Grand Central Station and was a perfect Venus except for +some missin' teeth which queered him when he smiled and what's a movie +hero without a smile? + +Well, I'm havin' the time of my life kiddin' Alex, when one day as we +are walkin' along Third Avenue in search of his prey, he grabs me by +the arm, yells, "I got him!" and starts across the street on the run. +They is a big truck standin' there and a husky on the back of it is +engaged in coaxin' pig iron off of it on to the street. He stood about +six foot three without bein' shaved and weighed accordingly, all bone +and muscle not countin' his head. He turns around and--Oh, boy!!!! + +Say! I seen some good lookers in my time, male and female, but this +baby had it on 'em all! His hair is that black, wavy kind that the +cabaret hounds wish they had and he's got a skin like a week old baby. +He must of painted his teeth with enamel twice a day and he's there +with a pair of eyelashes that would make a chorus girl take carbolic. +On the level, he's so handsome he don't look real--and that with all +the signs of honest toil at the truck on him, too! Alex taps him on +the shoulder and he swings around. + +"What's yours?" he growls. + +"I have come to make your fortune," announces Alex with a grin. Then +he turns to me. "Ain't he a peach, hey?" he says. + +The big guy drops the pig iron and looks from Alex to me. + +"What kinda stuff is this?" he growls. "What d'ye mean I'm a peach?" + +"You are the luckiest man in New York," says Alex. "I have come to +make you famous and rich!" + +The big guy grins. + +"Listen!" he says. "They're awful tough on hop fiends in this burg now +and they'll be a copper along in a minute, so you better duck. I know +you guys is no less than J. P. Morgan and John D. Rockefeller, if not +more, and you'll gimme a million dollars in nickels if I'll tell you +where to get a layout. But I ain't got the time, I gotta get this +stuff off here and--" + +With that he turns around and goes to work again. + +"Drop that iron!" says Alex. "You'll never soil your hands with manual +labor again." + +"Hey!" snarls the big guy. "Git away, will you? I always feel sorry +for you dope fiends, but if you guys don't lay off me, I'll bounce the +two of you. Now, beat it!" + +"Well," I says to Alex, "he's ignorant anyways. We got that part all +settled and--" + +"Look here!" says Alex, darin'ly grabbin' the big guy by the arm. +"We're neither dope fiends nor maniacs. I want to ask you a few +questions and, if your answers suit me, I'll hire you for a hundred +dollars a week to do special work for me. To show you I'm not foolin', +take this for your trouble whether we do business or not." + +With that he hands him a twenty dollar bill. + +"Aha!" yells the big guy. "Coupla counterfeiters, hey?" He snatches +the bill and grabs Alex. "So you guys want me to pass this for you--I +got it!" He starts to drag Alex along the pavement and half Third +Avenue stops to watch it. "I'll git a reward for this!" I heard him +mutter. + +Alex throws him off--he's stronger than he looks. + +"You better not take that head of yours into no pool room," he snarls, +"or somebody'll get two billiard balls and play with it for a set. +Take your hands off me and listen. That bill is as good as the inside +of a church. C'mon into this store and I'll prove it!" + +They's somethin' about Alex that makes this guy hesitate, and Alex +pulls him into a cigar store, whilst I shoo away the disappointed crowd +which looked for manslaughter at least. + +In a minute they come out. The big guy has twenty single bills in his +hand and a dazed look on his face. Alex is grinnin'. + +"Now are you satisfied?" says Alex. + +The big guy shoves the dough in his overalls. + +"The sugar seems O.K.," he says. "Say! I gotta work a week for that +much dough, so I might as well give you five minutes of my time. +What's the idea, hey?" + +"Now, Delancey Calhoun," says Alex, "how would you--" + +"Wait a minute!" grins the other guy. "I knowed they was a ball up +somewheres. Where d'ye get that Calhoun stuff? My name's Tim O'Toole." + +"Not no more!" says Alex, returnin' the grin. "From now on it's +Delancey Calhoun--get that?" + +"A nut is a funny thing," says O'Toole, pressin' the dough in his +pocket. "But--sure, I'm Delancey Calhoun! That's a swell name at +that--it sounds like a Lenox Avenue apartment house. What d'ye want me +to do, outside of that?" + +"How would you like to be a actor?" says Alex. + +"Nothin' doin'!" says Delancey. "I got a steady job and I'm too fond +of eatin'." + +"Don't be a fool!" says Alex. "That stuff about actors not eatin' +regular is a thing of the past. These days a actor makes more money +than a banker. Did you ever appear on the stage anywheres in your +life?" + +"I did not!" snarls Delancey. "And I can lick the guy which claims I +did!" + +"Fine!" says Alex, lookin' at me. "Now of course you've seen movin' +pictures, hey?" + +"Sure!" says Delancey. "What d'ye think I am--ig'rant?" + +"Not at all," says Alex. "Do you think if you had a chance and was +well paid for it, you could do the things them heroes does in the +movies?" + +Delancey Calhoun, née Tim O'Toole, throws out his chest from here to +South Dakota. + +"Do I _think_ so?" he says. "Why, say, pal--that stuff would be soft +for me! I ain't no second Mary Pickford or the like and Chaplin might +grab off more laughs to the reel than me, but when it come to this here +cowboy and full dress stuff--Oh, lady!!!" + +"You're hired!" hollers Alex, slappin' him on the back. "Startin' +right now your salary is a hundred a week. Drive that truck back to +where it belongs and throw up your job." + +"A hundred a week, hey?" says Delancey, rollin' his eyes. "Oh, lady!! +In a month I'll have Carnegie gnashin' his teeth!" He breaks off and +swings around on Alex. "Look here!" he says, "I been drivin' this +truck for two years. I got a good steady job from eight in the mornin' +till ten at night, and I get twenty berries a week for it. I don't +know nothin' about this nut job of yours, but if I don't get my hundred +every week--well, they's gonna be a funeral with you bein' featured in +it, get that?" + +"That's all right," says Alex. "I'll deposit your first six months' +salary in the bank for you--how's that?" + +"What could be sweeter?" says Delancey. "They's just one other thing." + +"Speak up!" says Alex. + +"As long as I'm gonna be a movie actor," says Delancey, "do I get a +dress suit to wear?" + +"Sure!" says Alex. "Why?" + +"Well," grins Delancey, "I never had one of them open faced suits on in +me life and in fact I was savin' up to get one now. I'm simply nutty +to put on one of them layouts and knock the innocent onlookers silly. +If you hit a tough week, I might take ninety-five bucks and let the +rest go over a few days, but I gotta have the dress suit and that goes!" + +"It's yours," says Alex, diggin' me in the ribs. + +"All right," says Delancey, "I'll go down now and make the boss faint +by quittin'. I'll meet you anywheres you says to-morrow." + +"You will not," says Alex. "I'll ride right down on that truck with +you now!" + + +About two weeks later, Alex comes up to the flat and tells me to put on +my hat and cane. He says he's gonna take me over to the studio and +show me Delancey Calhoun's first picture. + +"So you're really goin' through with it, hey?" I says. "What company +did you get him landed with?" + +"The Par-Excellence Feature Film Company," he says. + +"I never heard tell of it," I says. "Who's in back of it?" + +"A young feller by the name of Alex Hanley!" he comes back, grinnin'. + +"What?" I hollers. "D'ye mean to say you started a movie foundry to +put this guy over?" + +"I'll leave it to you," he tells me, "when we get to the studio. Let's +go!" + +On the way over he shows me a lot of the advertisin' copy with which +he's gonna introduce Delancy Calhoun to the waitin' world. I must say +it was hot stuff! It claims that Delancey Calhoun is the sole heir to +the $20,000,000 left by the late Artemus Calhoun which died twenty +years ago. The will was given to his lawyers, Sandringham, Bellew and +Fitch, with instructions not to open it for twenty years. When it was +opened, it was found that them twenty millions was left to his only +nephew, Delancey. Alex has opened a law office downtown under the name +of Sandringham, Bellew and Fitch, so's to take care of the reporters +and other guys of a inquisitive nature. Then comes the kick. + +Delancey, a handsome and accomplished young giant, is tired of the +"sham and deceit" of his own "exalted social set" and it's his ambition +to wed a girl of the common people and let her enjoy some of the +millions his hard-fisted uncle wrung from their toil. He also has +another aim in life and that is to accomplish a sweepin' reform of the +movie game. He's always been a great fan himself, but he's sick of the +impossible plays which has been foisted on a innocent and nickel +spendin' public. Therefore, he has organized his own movie company, +will produce his own pictures from real life stories of the eternal +struggle, and last but not least, he'll appear personally in them +himself, to gratify a whim he's had since he first looked over the side +of a cradle. He thinks the average movie hero is sickenin', and he +wants to show the world how a real hero would act. He will appear in +twelve pictures only. Each will be a episode in the greatest mystery +story ever written entitled, "What was Hector's Choice?" Every single +female in the country is invited to see this picture and send in their +solution of the mystery. _The one that comes nearest to the correct +answer will become the bride of Delancy Calhoun and his twenty million +bucks_. + +Oh, boy!!! + +"Alex," I says, "I'll tell the world this is great stuff! It must be +gonna cost you a bunch of money. Where do you get off?" + +"Your head and glue is the two thickest things I ever seen," he says. +"Where do I get mine, hey? I get it from the sale of the pictures this +bird makes. In a coupla months they'll be riots in theatres all over +the country to see this guy in the movies!" + +"Maybe," I says. "But how are you gonna pull 'em in? Right off the +bat he's gotta compete with Chaplin, Mary Pickford and the like." + +"I didn't wanna spring my ace so soon on you," he says, "but I guess I +got to. How am I gonna pull 'em in? This way--_single women will be +admitted free at every theatre where this picture is shown_!" + +Wheee!!!! + +"You're there, Alex!" I admits. "But suppose the men and married women +stays away?" + +"Stays away?" he says. "They'll break their way in! The married women +will wanna see Delancey and get a idea of what they missed, and the men +will wanna see what this big fathead looks like, if only to kid him." + +"What kind of a actor is he?" I says. + +"Wait till you see him," says Alex. "He's got the studio standin' on +its ear! He thinks he's the greatest actor the world ever seen and +everybody else from the director to the camera men is dubs. He refuses +to fake any of the fight scenes and I gotta pay supers ten bucks a day +to take his wallops. The first time he had a love scene with the +leadin' lady he thought it was on the level and went out and got a +marriage license. He argued two hours in favor of real bullets for the +duel he fights with the villain and refused to play a scene supposed to +be in Alaska because the studio's in Jersey. He claims the guy which +wrote the scenario escaped from a lunatic asylum and he plays the +second two reels his own way. I've had three different casts work with +him because he gets them all sore by his kiddin' them about art. He +takes everything in dead earnest and tried to beat up the villain on +the street twice because he's supposed to hate him in the picture. +But--this first episode is _some_ film!!!" + +I seen the picture in the private projectin' room and Alex told the +truth when he called it "_some_ film." In fact that there would of +been as good a title for the whole picture as the one they had. They +was more adventures happened to Delancey Calhoun in them five reels +than Robinson Crusoe, Columbus, Kit Carson and Davy Crockett had in +their combined lives! He was a heart-breaker one second and a +head-breaker the next. He had insisted to Alex that one villain wasn't +enough for him to foil, so they had about a dozen and he trimmed 'em +all. They was also several heroines for him to save and clasp on his +manly bosom, which same he did in evenin' clothes only. It was nothin' +for him to save a maiden in distress from a sinkin' ship and the next +second appear in a lifeboat with a dress suit on, rowin' for shore. No +matter if the scene was mornin' or night, Alaska or the Sahara Desert, +Delancey was there in his little dress suit. He would of parted with +that and his left eye with the same willingness. + +Apart from the film itself, which might of been good or might of been +bad, but certainly was excitin' for your life, Delancey was a riot! He +was the handsomest thing I ever seen on a screen and I don't blame all +the dames in the studio for fallin' for him. In that treasured dress +suit of his which cost Alex as much as a limousine, they ain't no woman +on earth that wouldn't get a thrill when she looked at him, provided he +didn't start no conversation. He looked class--that's all they is to +it! + +When we come out from seein' the picture, Delancey is walkin' around +the studio, still with the dress suit on. He's tellin' one of the best +directors in the country how to properly produce a movie and said +director is takin' it hard. He breaks off when he sees us. + +"Hello!" he says. "Well, what d'ye think of me? I'm a knockout, hey?" + +"Easily that," I admits, shakin' his hand. "How d'ye like bein' a +actor?" + +"Rotten!" he says. "This stuff is the bunk and them actors gimme a +pain. I think they're all nutty. How they get money for this hop is +past me! All I do all day is pretend I'm this and pretend I'm that and +the foreman of this layout keeps yellin', 'Register fear!' and stuff +like that at me. I don't know why this friend of yours is givin' me +money for this, but I bet they's a catch to it somewheres!" + +"Isn't he simply delicious?" says the leadin' woman, with a fond glance +at Delancey. + +"Delicious, hey?" he snorts. "What d'ye think I am--a pie?" + +They is a vampire there and she turns up her nose. + +"I think he's impossible!" she says. "He hasn't the slightest +conception of art." + +"Lemme alone!" growls Delancey. "I'm as good a actor as you guys is, +if not better. Where d'ye get that art stuff?" + +"Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked all your life to +acquire ignorance, for no one was ever _born_ as stupid as you! All +you have is your looks." + +[Illustration: "Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked a +your life to acquire ignorance, for no one was ever _born_ as stupid as +you!"] + +"Yeh," snarls Delancey. "And all Rockefeller's got is a billion!" + +At this point Alex stepped in and prevented bloodshed. + +Well, Delancey is as big a success as a movie star as Boston is as a +town, and within a month he's swept the country like a new dance. That +stuff about him bein' a millionaire and willin' to marry the girl which +guesses the answer to the mystery in "What Was Hector's Choice?" caught +on with the ladies like cold cream and his handsome map did the rest. +His picture is plastered all over the country and kids which barely +knowed their A, B, C's, is familiar with his name. His mail arrives +daily in freight cars and Alex had four guys workin' on nothin' but +autographin' his photos for "A Admirer" and "Your Unknown Friend." +Alex got a quarter the each for said photos to cover the "wrapping and +mailing charges" and made a nice little profit on the side. + +With all this success, though, Delancey Calhoun kept his head. He +never appeared at no banquets, addressed meetin's on "The Future of the +Motion Picture Industry," or as much as glanced at the daily slew of +mail. When the dames around the studio cast languishin' glances at his +handsome form, he glared at 'em like a infuriated turtle. If one of +'em remarked that it was a nice day by way of startin' a slight +flirtation, Delancey would answer that he couldn't help it, and walk +away. He never spent a nickel foolishly or at all, and when the auto +agents swooped down on him, he borrowed cigars from them and beat it. + +[Illustration: When the dames cast languishing glances at his handsome +form, he glared at them like an infuriated turtle.] + +The most astonishin' thing, though, was the way he acted about the +movies durin' his career as a star. He never stopped claimin' that the +whole thing was the bunk and that it was idiotic for a grown person to +put on a wig and take off the old banker or the like, when they was +only a fifty buck a week actor. He insisted that anything as silly as +the movies was could never last and they was more real money in the +truckin' business for a man that knew the game as he did and had plenty +of wagons. When Alex argues with him and says that many of the big +stars makes fifty thousand a year, he tells Alex to stop usin' opium +because it'll get him in the end. + +At the end of three months, Delancey has made Alex pay him a percentage +of the receipts and a salary of a thousand a week, but his opinion of +the movie business is unchanged. He explains the fact that he's makin' +plenty of money out of it by sayin' that Alex must be takin' it out of +his own pocket and is simply makin' pictures to cover up his real game, +which is prob'ly safe crackin'. Alex throws up his hands and lets him +be after that one. + +Fin'ly the last picture is made and Alex gives out the information to a +expectant world that a girl in Brisbane, Australia, has won the +guessin' contest and Delancey Calhoun's hand, and the famous star will +sail immediately to wed her. The newspapers all prints pictures of 'em +both, Alex gettin' the lucky dame's by photographin' his stenographer. +A couple of papers didn't get neither and runs pictures of Brisbane, +Australia, so's to be on the job anyways. Then Alex collects the +thousand bucks I bet him that he couldn't make a movie star outa a +truck driver and prepares to break the news to his wife and mine that +he has done the same. He figures this will kill forever their wild +infatuation for Carrington De Vire, the idol of the screen. + +At that point, Delancey Calhoun walks into the office. + +"Ah, Delancey," says Alex, "I was just gonna send for you. Now that +our original contract has expired, let me congratulate you. You done +great and far better than even I expected. You're famous the world +over and must have a good sized bankroll if you've stayed in at nights +and kept away from race tracks and the like. I only intended this as a +experiment, but it has gone over so big that I want you to sit down +here and sign a contract for five years at the biggest salary you ever +heard of. We'll make the greatest pictures the world--" + +"Wait a minute!" butts in Delancey. "Don't rave no more. My name is +Tim O'Toole again and not Delancey, which sounds like a collar. I'm +sick and tired of movin' pictures and that big salary stuff is as much +bunk as the rest of it. I ain't goin' around rescuin' nutty dames, +beatin' up supes which is supposed to be the desperate smugglers and +divin' off bridges no more! I'm goin' to make a honest livin' and I've +bought out the truckin' business I was workin' for when you come along +and made a movie star and a simp outa me. I'll be takin' in money +there long after the movies is gone and all the pictures I'll ever move +from now on will be loaded on one of my wagons. Fare-thee-well, and I +hope they's no hard feelings. If they is, I ain't gonna sob out loud +over it!" + +For a minute Alex was speechless. Then he comes to and works a hour +tryin' to get the ex-Delancey Calhoun to change his mind. They was +nothin' doin'. In fact, Delancey walked out and left us flat in the +middle of Alex's wail. + +Well, anyways, Alex still had one satisfaction left and that was to +prove to Eve and the wife that he had put over a truck driver as a +movie star. He done it after dinner that night and if he caused any +sensation, I failed to see it with the naked eye. + +"Well," says Eve, "that proves my argument." + +"Proves _your_ argument?" hollers Alex. "Didn't you claim movie stars +was born, and didn't I take a truck driver and make him famous at it?" + +"Yes," says Eve. "And then he went back to the trucking business, +because he wasn't born an artist and the whole thing seemed silly to +him. He couldn't stand the make-believe any longer, because he had no +imagination, no art--nothing but the stupid ability to make money!" + +Alex sinks down in a chair and throws up his hands. + +"Can you beat a woman?" he asks me. + +"Not in this state," I says. "It's against the law." + +"Come!" says Eve. "You boys are just in time. Carrington De Vire is +down at the Palace in 'The Arctic Sunflower.' I'm crazy to see it. I +think he's wonderful!" + + + + +THE END + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Alex the Great, by H. C. 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C. Witwer +</TITLE> + +<STYLE TYPE="text/css"> +BODY { color: Black; + background: White; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; + text-align: justify } + +P {text-indent: 4% } + +P.noindent {text-indent: 0% } + +P.poem {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-size: small } + +P.letter {text-indent: 0%; + font-size: small ; + margin-left: 10% ; + margin-right: 10% } + +P.salutation {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10% ; + margin-right: 10% } + +P.closing {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10% ; + margin-right: 10% } + +P.footnote {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +P.transnote {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +P.index {font-size: small ; + text-indent: -5% ; + margin-left: 5% ; + margin-top: 0% ; + margin-bottom: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +P.intro {font-size: medium ; + text-indent: -5% ; + margin-left: 5% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +P.dedication {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 15%; + text-align: justify } + +P.published {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 15% } + +P.quote {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 4% ; + margin-left: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +P.report {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 4% ; + margin-left: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +P.report2 {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 4% ; + margin-left: 10% ; + margin-right: 10% } + +P.finis { font-size: larger ; + text-align: center ; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +H3.h3left { margin-left: 0%; + margin-right: 1%; + margin-bottom: .5% ; + margin-top: 0; + float: left ; + clear: left ; + text-align: center } + +H3.h3right { margin-left: 1%; + margin-right: 0 ; + margin-bottom: .5% ; + margin-top: 0; + float: right ; + clear: right ; + text-align: center } + +H3.h3center { margin-left: 0; + margin-right: 0 ; + margin-bottom: .5% ; + margin-top: 0; + float: none ; + clear: both ; + text-align: center } + +H4.h4left { margin-left: 0%; + margin-right: 1%; + margin-bottom: .5% ; + margin-top: 0; + float: left ; + clear: left ; + text-align: center } + +H4.h4right { margin-left: 1%; + margin-right: 0 ; + margin-bottom: .5% ; + margin-top: 0; + float: right ; + clear: right ; + text-align: center } + +H4.h4center { margin-left: 0; + margin-right: 0 ; + margin-bottom: .5% ; + margin-top: 0; + float: none ; + clear: both ; + text-align: center } + +H5.h5left { margin-left: 0%; + margin-right: 1%; + margin-bottom: .5% ; + margin-top: 0; + float: left ; + clear: left ; + text-align: center } + +H5.h5right { margin-left: 1%; + margin-right: 0 ; + margin-bottom: .5% ; + margin-top: 0; + float: right ; + clear: right ; + text-align: center } + +H5.h5center { margin-left: 0; + margin-right: 0 ; + margin-bottom: .5% ; + margin-top: 0; + float: none ; + clear: both ; + text-align: center } + +IMG.imgleft { float: left; + clear: left; + margin-left: 0; + margin-bottom: 0; + margin-top: 1%; + margin-right: 1%; + padding: 0; + text-align: center } + +IMG.imgright {float: right; + clear: right; + margin-left: 1%; + margin-bottom: 0; + margin-top: 1%; + margin-right: 0; + padding: 0; + text-align: center } + +IMG.imgcenter { margin-left: auto; + margin-bottom: 0; + margin-top: 1%; + margin-right: auto; } + +.pagenum { position: absolute; + left: 1%; + font-size: 95%; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: normal; + font-variant: normal; } + +.sidenote { left: 0%; + font-size: 65%; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0%; + width: 17%; + float: left; + clear: left; + padding-left: 0%; + padding-right: 2%; + padding-top: 2%; + padding-bottom: 2%; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: normal; + font-variant: normal; } + + + +</STYLE> + +</HEAD> + +<BODY> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Alex the Great, by H. C. Witwer + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Alex the Great + +Author: H. C. Witwer + +Illustrator: Arthur William Brown + +Release Date: August 22, 2009 [EBook #29763] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALEX THE GREAT *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + +</pre> + + +<BR><BR> + +<A NAME="img-front"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG CLASS="imgcenter" SRC="images/img-front.jpg" ALT="Along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from the Follies when Ziegfeld was busy countin' up the receipts or somethin'." BORDER="2" WIDTH="517" HEIGHT="814"> +<H4 CLASS="h4center" STYLE="width: 517px"> +Along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from the Follies when Ziegfeld was busy countin' up the receipts or somethin'. +</H4> +</CENTER> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H1 ALIGN="center"> +ALEX THE GREAT +</H1> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +BY +</H3> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +H. C. WITWER +</H2> + +<BR><BR> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +Author of "From Baseball to Boches,"<BR> +"A Smile a Minute," etc.<BR> +</H4> + +<BR><BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +ILLUSTRATED BY +<BR> +ARTHUR WILLIAM BROWN +</H3> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +BOSTON +<BR> +SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY +<BR> +PUBLISHERS +</H4> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H5 ALIGN="center"> +Copyright, 1919, +<BR> +BY SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY +<BR> +(INCORPORATED) +</H5> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +DEDICATED TO +<BR> +RALPH T. HALE +<BR> +—EDITOR OF SMALL, MAYNARD AND COMPANY— +<BR> +MY PUBLISHER—BUT STILL MY FRIEND +</H3> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +CONTENTS +</H2> + +<TABLE ALIGN="center" WIDTH="80%"> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">CHAPTER</TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> </TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">I </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap01">INTRODUCING ALEX THE GREAT</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">II </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap02">THE SELF-COMMENCER</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">III </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap03">PLAY YOUR ACE!</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">IV </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap04">DON'T GIVE UP THE TIP!</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">V </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap05">YOU CAN DO IT!</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VI </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap06">THE LITTLE THINGS DON'T COUNT</A></TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top">VII </TD> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap07">ART IS WRONG</A></TD> +</TR> + +</TABLE> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +ILLUSTRATIONS +</H2> + +<H4> +<A HREF="#img-front"> +Along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from the + Follies when Ziegfeld was busy countin' up the receipts or + somethin'. . . . . . . <I>Frontispiece</I> +</A> +</H4> + +<H4> +<A HREF="#img-036"> +I struck a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of them used in New +York every fiscal year. +</A> +</H4> + +<H4> +<A HREF="#img-068"> +"She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!" +</A> +</H4> + +<H4> +<A HREF="#img-102"> +She's knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make me off her for +life. +</A> +</H4> + +<H4> +<A HREF="#img-214"> +"How perfectly sweet! If you two only knew what a pretty picture you +make!" +</A> +</H4> + +<H4> +<A HREF="#img-252"> +"Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked all your life to +acquire ignorance, for no one was ever born as stupid as you!" +</A> +</H4> + +<H4> +<A HREF="#img-308"> +When the dames cast languishing glances at his handsome form, he glared +at them like an infuriated turtle. +</A> +</H4> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap01"></A> + +<H1 ALIGN="center"> +ALEX THE GREAT +</H1> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER I +</H3> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +INTRODUCING ALEX THE GREAT +</H4> + +<P> +Girls, listen—if friend hubby comes home to-night and while hurlin' +the cat off his favorite chair, remarks that he's got a scheme to make +gold out of mud or pennant winners out of the St. Looey Cardinals, +don't threaten to leave him flat and accuse him of givin' aid and +comfort to the breweries. Turn the gas out under the steak, be seated +and register attention—because maybe he <I>has</I>! +</P> + +<P> +Scattered around all the department stores, coal mines, butcher shops, +the police force and banks, there's guys which can sing as well as +Caruso, lead a band better than Sousa, stand Dempsey on his ear, show +Rockefeller how to make money or teach Chaplin some new falls. Yet +these birds go through life on eighteen dollars every Saturday with +prospects, and never get their names in the papers unless they get +caught in a trolley smash-up. They're like a guy with the ice cream +concession at the North Pole. They got the goods, but what of it? As +far as the universe is concerned it's a secret—they're there with +chimes on, but nobody knows it but them! +</P> + +<P> +Y'know this stuff about us all bein' neck and neck when we hit the +nursery may be true, but, believe me, some guys are born to run second! +They get off on the wrong foot, trailin' the leaders until the +undertaker stops the race. They plod through life takin' orders from +guys that don't know half as much about any given thing as they do; +they never get a crack at the big job or the big money, although +accordin' to Hoyle they got everything that's needed for both. Take +Joey Green who used to be so stupid at dear old college that the +faculty once considered givin' him education by injectin' it into his +dome with a hypodermic. At forty he comes back to the campus to make +'em a present of a few new buildin's out of last month's winnin's from +the cruel world. Where is Elbert Huntington, which copped all the +diplomas, did algebra by ear and was give medals for out-brainin' the +class? Where is <I>he</I>, teacher? And the echo chirps, "Workin' for Joey +Green, drawin' twenty a week and on the payroll as No. 543!" +</P> + +<P> +The answer to this little thumb sketch is easy. Elbert Huntington had +brains and Joey Green had confidence. Elbert <I>expected</I> to dumfound +the world with what he knew, and Joey <I>did</I> dumfound it with what he +didn't. Now if Joseph made good with nothin' but nerve, what could a +guy do that had brains and nerve both? +</P> + +<P> +I'll tell you. +</P> + +<P> +After we won the world's series in 1914 and the dough had been divided +up to the satisfaction of everybody but the guys that was in on the +split, me and the wife had figured on one of them trips to Europe. You +prob'bly know the kind I mean, "$900 and up. Bus to hotel on fifth +morning out included." I had looked forward to this here expedition +for thirty years, like a guy looks forward to eight o'clock the night +he's gonna call on his first girl. We had learned French and Eytalian +off of a phonograph record and from givin' them spaghetti dives a play. +Also, I had collected a trousseau that would of made John Drew take +arsenic if he'd ever of flashed me when I was dolled up for the street. +</P> + +<P> +Prob'ly you have seen somethin' in the papers about how the old country +was closed to traffic right then. From what I hear it was all dug up +like lower Broadway and tourists had to detour by way of So. America, +so we never got nearer Europe than the Williamsburg Bridge, and you +can't see a thing from there. +</P> + +<P> +Well, when we found out that as far as trips to Europe was concerned +they was nothin' stirrin', the wife took both bank books and went down +to Lakewood, while I stayed in New York as a deposit on the new flat. +I went to the station with her and I'll betcha from the fond farewells +we give each other, people must of thought she was gonna take the veil +or somethin', instead of just goin' to entomb herself in Jersey for a +month. I swore I'd be in every night at ten, although that's kinda +late to start out for the night, and she promised not to get in no +bridge mêlées where the sum they battled for was over six bits. Then +we took some more bows on the lovin' good-by stuff, and I'm alone in +the big city. +</P> + +<P> +I managed somehow to live through the day, but the next afternoon I +lured a bunch up to the flat for a little pinochle. I begin by +invitin' two guys, but by the time we got to Harlem we was a dozen +strong. Once inside the portals, it turns out that only six of them is +wild about pinochle, so the rest of 'em take up the rugs, start the +victrola and give themselves up to dancin'. Pretty soon the telephone +rings with great violence. I grabbed the receiver and learned it was +the woman which lives underneath. +</P> + +<P> +"Them steamfitters you got rehearsin' up there has got to call it a +day!" she says. "Otherwise I'll moan to the landlord. The chandelier +has left the ceilin' already and four pieces of my chocolate set is +busted. I never heard tell of such carryin' on!" +</P> + +<P> +"Wait till you been here a little longer," I says, "I ain't carryin' +on, me and some boy friends of mine is tryin' to kill a dull afternoon +and—" +</P> + +<P> +"If them's friends makin' that racket," she butts in, "I hope I have +moved when your enemies call! What am I gonna do about that chocolate +set, hey? D'ye hear—there goes another piece!" +</P> + +<P> +"If I was in your place," I tells her, "I'd drink coffee, and if your +furnishings is all as frail as that chocolate set you're featurin', you +better grab hold of the piano, because I'm gonna sneeze!" +</P> + +<P> +"Don't you dare make no cracks about my furniture!" she yells. "I got +my opinion of what you do for a livin' when you can afford to be home +in the daytime!" +</P> + +<P> +"I make chocolate sets," I says. "We're workin' on one now and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Wait till my husband comes home!" she cuts in. "He'll take care of +you!" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't need nobody to take care of me," I comes back, "I'm self +supportin'." +</P> + +<P> +"Why don't you let go there?" yells Eddie Brannan. "Are you and that +dame doin' an act or what?" +</P> + +<P> +Zip! she hangs up and just then the front door-bell makes good. +</P> + +<P> +"See who it is!" I calls to one of the gang, sittin' in the game again. +"Tell 'em I'm in Brazil and—" +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy! +</P> + +<P> +One of them dead silences took place in the hall and—in walks the wife! +</P> + +<P> +For the next five seconds it was so quiet in that flat that a graveyard +would seem like a locomotive works alongside of it. Joe Leity starts +to whistle soft and low, Abe Katz opens the dumbwaiter and looks down +to see what kind of a jump it is and I dropped a hundred aces on the +floor. The rest of the gang eases over to the door. +</P> + +<P> +"Why—ah—eh—ah, what does this mean?" I says kinda weak. "I thought +you had went to Lakewood." +</P> + +<P> +"Well," she says, turnin' the eyes, that used to fill the Winter Garden +every night, on the gang, "where d'ye figure I am now? I'll give you +three guesses!" +</P> + +<P> +"Ahem!" says Joe Leity, "I guess I'll blow! I—" +</P> + +<P> +"Me, too!" pipes the gang like a chorus and does a few more vamps to +the door. +</P> + +<P> +"Why don't you introduce your friends?" says the wife. "Or maybe you +just run across these boys yourself when you come in, heh?" +</P> + +<P> +"Excuse!" I says. "This here's Joe Leity, Abe Katz, Phil Young, Red +Dailey, Steve—" +</P> + +<P> +"Never mind callin' the roll," she butts in. "I'll let it go en masse. +I'm delighted to meet you all, and I hope you won't run away simply +because I'm here." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, no—not at all—we ain't runnin' away!" they says. +</P> + +<P> +"There's no reason for you boys <I>runnin'</I> anyways," the wife goes on, +"because the elevator is right outside now and I think the boy is +holdin' the car for you—" +</P> + +<P> +They blowed! +</P> + +<P> +"And now," says the wife to me, "what d'ye mean by bringin' them +plumbers up here for a union meetin', eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"Don't be always knockin'!" I answers, gettin' peeved. "Them boys is +all honest and true, even if they do look a little rough to the naked +eye. But how is it you come back to-day when you wasn't due for a +month?" +</P> + +<P> +"You're tickled to death to see me, ain't you?" she asks, pullin' the +pout that formerly helped sell the magazines. +</P> + +<P> +To be level with you, I was—mad and all. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, dearie!" I remarks, kissin' her. "You know I—" +</P> + +<P> +"Easy with the oil!" she cuts me off. "Get on your hat and coat; we're +goin' right down to Grand Central Station." +</P> + +<P> +"Don't you think it's liable to tire you, honey," I asks her, "runnin' +back and forth from Lakewood like this?" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm not goin' to Lakewood, Stupid," she says. "We're goin' down to +meet Alex Hanley—of course you remember him?" +</P> + +<P> +I threw in the self-starter on the old brain, but there was nothin' +doin'. +</P> + +<P> +"No!" I says. "To come right out with it—I don't. I realize though +that he must be a lu-lu when we're goin' down and meet him at the +station. What did he do—lick Dempsey?" +</P> + +<P> +"Idiot!" says the wife, callin' me by her favorite pet name. "He's my +cousin." +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy! +</P> + +<P> +We was goin' down in the elevator and I sunk in the seat with a low +moan. In the short space since me and the wife had been wed, I had met +her father, six brothers, four nephews, three cousins and a bevy of her +uncles. They all claimed they was pleased to meet me, though they +couldn't figure how their favorite female relative come to fall for +me—and then they folleyed that lead up with a request for everything +from a job to ten bucks. +</P> + +<P> +"All right, dearie," I says, finally, "I'm game! Believe me, though, +while your family is all aces to me on account of bein' related to you, +I often find myself wishin' that you had been an orphan!" +</P> + +<P> +"I could of married a couple of millionaires!" sighs the wife. "And to +think I turned 'em down for you!" +</P> + +<P> +"If you had married a <I>couple</I> of millionaires, you would of been +pinched!" I says. "What d'ye think this cousin of yours will want to +start off with, from your affectionate husband?" +</P> + +<P> +"Nothin'!" she tells me. "Alex never asked a favor in his life. +Believe me, this one is different!" +</P> + +<P> +"I can see that from here!" I says. "If you claim he won't take me for +something he's different, all right. In fact I can hardly believe he +belongs to the family at all." +</P> + +<P> +"I was brought up never to brawl in the open," says the wife, "so I'm +lettin' your insults go. This boy is fresh from the mountains of +Vermont. He's never been to New York in his life and he's comin' here +now to make his mark." +</P> + +<P> +"I'll lay you eight to five I'm the mark!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +We was at the station then, so we had to practise self-denial and quit +scrappin'. The wife explained that she had hardly got to Lakewood when +she found a telegram there from her cousin Alex sayin' that he was +comin' down for a visit. So she beat it right back to meet him, not +wantin' the poor kid to breeze into a town like New York, all by his +lonesome. +</P> + +<P> +Well, we stand in the middle of the waitin'-room like a couple of boobs +for a while, and then a guy, which I figured must be a college devil +bustin' into a new fraternity, comes gallopin' across the floor, slams +a suitcase down on my foot and throws his arms around the wife's neck. +He had on a cap which could of been used as a checker board when you +got tired of wearin' it, a suit of clothes that must of been made by a +maniac tailor and the yellowest tan shoes I ever seen in my life. If +he had been three inches taller and an ounce thinner, you could of put +a tent around him and got a dime admission. On his upper lip, which +was of a retirin' disposition, he had a mustache that was an outright +steal from Chaplin. +</P> + +<P> +I watched him and my wife embrace as long as I could stand it and then +I tapped her on the shoulder. +</P> + +<P> +"I suppose this is Alex, eh?" I says—while he looks at me for the +first time. +</P> + +<P> +"You got Sherlock Holmes lookin' stupid!" admits the wife. "Alex, meet +my lord and master." +</P> + +<P> +"Howdy, cousin!" hollers Alex. "I knowed you the minute I seen you +from them, now, big ears you got. Y'know they went to work and printed +your picture in the Sunday papers last month on a charge of havin' won +the, now, pennant for—Well, that's neither here nor there. I come +here to make good! A feller with brains can always do that in these +big rube towns like New York. Of course a baseball player don't need +no brains—you know that yourself and—" +</P> + +<P> +"C'mon, Alex," butts in the wife quickly, seein' I was gettin' ready to +grab Alex by the neck. "We'll go right up to the flat and have +something to eat. I'll bet you haven't had a bite since you left +home—you ought to be starved by this time!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'd rather see him shot, myself!" I growls, taggin' along after them, +carryin' this bird's suitcase. If they was clothes in there, Alex must +of dressed in armor up in Vermont. The thing was as heavy as two +dollars' worth of corn beef and cabbage. However, I figured I'd get +back at Alex the minute he asked me for a job. I was all set for this +bird, believe me! +</P> + +<P> +"So this is New York, hey?" he pipes through his nose the minute we get +outside the station. He stops dead in the street, gazin' up at the big +buildin's and then down at the crowds like a guy in a trance. All he +needed was a streamer of hay in his mouth and the first seven guys that +passed would of offered to sell him the Bronx. He gasps a couple of +times and wipes his eyes. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, Alex," I says, tryin' hard not to laugh in his face, "what d'ye +think of New York? Considerable burg, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +He shakes his head kinda sad and sighs. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll speak plain to you, cousin," he says. "Of all the rube burgs I +ever seen, this here's the limit!" +</P> + +<P> +I liked to fell down one of them Subway holes! +</P> + +<P> +"Rube town?" I yells. "Where d'ye get that stuff? Are you seekin' to +kid me?" +</P> + +<P> +He grabs me by the shoulders and swings me around. +</P> + +<P> +"Just you look at that crowd of folks on the corner there!" he tells +me. He points over to where half New York is bein' held up in a +traffic jam—wagons, autos, surface cars and guys usin' rubber heels as +a means of locomotion, all waitin' for the cop to say, "Go!" +</P> + +<P> +"Just look at 'em!" repeats Alex, sneering at me. "From the reports +that have reached me, this here's the town where all the brains in the +world is gathered. There's a couple hundred of them brains on the +corner there now, I reckon, and they can't go nowheres till that +constabule gives the word! Huh!" he snorts, turnin' away. "All just a +lot of rubes, that's all!" +</P> + +<P> +We get in a taxi and all the way up Alex kept lookin' out the window, +shakin' his head and mutterin' somethin' about Manhattan bein' a +well-advertised bunk and all the inhabitants thereof bein' hicks. I +don't know whether he was after my goat or not, but in a few minutes he +had it. +</P> + +<P> +"Listen, gentle stranger," I says, when nature could stand no more, "I +realize that New York is nothin' but a flag station and that we're all +Reubens and chew hay, but we have, amongst other things, six million +merry villagers, the biggest buildings in the world, the subway, +gunmen, cabarets, Broadway, and—well, a lot of things that you gotta +admit ain't hit dear old Vermont as yet!" +</P> + +<P> +"And I most sincerely hope and trust they never will!" pipes Alex. "We +don't need 'em! We got good, clean mountain air, plenty of honest +green grass and—and—<I>neighbors</I>! There's just a few things you ain't +got in New York. Cousin Alice tells me she was here two years before +she knowed the folks in the next flat. That shows you people is +suspicious. You know you're rubes and you're afraid to welcome the +stranger for fear he'll sell you one of them, now, gold bricks. I also +hear you pay five and six dollars for a seat at an entertainment. You +so-called wise New Yorkers pays that much for tickets and then go in +and laugh your fool heads off at a scene showin' a, now, farmer bein' +stung! Ha, ha, ha! You—" +</P> + +<P> +We was up at the flat then, and I let him rave on, tryin' not to get +peeved, so's we'd have some peace and quiet in the family. I knew if +he kept on pannin' my town, I'd get sore and bite him or somethin'—and +then the wife wouldn't gimme no smile for a month. Alex was a new one +on me so far, but I figured that in a couple of days he'd be tellin' +the world that New York was the greatest place on earth and people that +lived anywheres else must be nutty—the way they all do. +</P> + +<P> +After supper the wife calls up a girl friend of hers so's we can make +up a little theatre party. Me and Alex goes into the parlor for a +smoke, and I asked him how he come to be in our mongst if he already +knowed what a hick town New York was. +</P> + +<P> +"I come here to make good," he tells me, "because, in my opinion, this +is the easiest place in the world to do that thing. This town is no +different than Ann Harbor or New Haven, except that it's bigger—that's +all! The trouble with most fellows that come here from a small town +is, they let New York get under their skin and it takes their nerve +before they get started. Advertisin' is what has made this town what +it is to-day and nothin' else. It's easier to make good here than it +is in a burg, because in your own town everybody knows you and now +fourflushin' will get you nothin'. There's so many people here that a +feller can keep <I>some</I> of 'em guessin' all the time. All anybody needs +to get ahead here is confidence—" +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I butts in, "if all a guy needs is confidence, you ought to be +a knockout! What are you figurin' on doin' first?" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll look around to-morrow," he says. "I wanna start off with the +hardest proposition in the town right away. Out in my town five of us +fellers formed a little club. Each of us has swore to come to New York +one after the other and make good in six months to a year, just to show +you folks how easy it is. For one thing, we all got our own private +little plans for winnin' out here and every one of us is goin' to go at +the proposition from a brand new angle. I was elected to be the first +one, and that's why I'm here." +</P> + +<P> +"Alex," I says, "you're an ambitious feller, and I gotta hand it to +you. I don't doubt you'll go a long ways at that, if you don't get +pinched for speedin'. But this stuff you're pullin' about dear old +Manhattan gets under my collar! I hate to hear you pan the capital of +the world in that rough way of yours, and when you claim it's a simple +matter to make good here, you have gone and pulled a bone. If it's as +soft as you say, I must of lost the combination or somethin', because +it took me thirty years to get over right here, and, at that, I ain't +causin' Rockefeller or George M. Cohan no worry! So just to show you +that your dope is all wrong and that you're due to hit the bumps if you +play it out, I'll lay you eight to five you muff the very first thing +you try here—what d'ye say?" +</P> + +<P> +He looks at me for a minute and shakes his head. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't want to deprive my Cousin Alice of no luxuries," he tells me, +"or I'd snap you right up on that." +</P> + +<P> +"I see they're still makin' 'em yellah up in Vermont!" I sneers. +</P> + +<P> +"D'ye mean to insinuate that I'm a quitter?" he asks me, gettin' red. +</P> + +<P> +"You ought to be a fortune teller!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"By gravy, I'll take you up!" he hollers. "I got five hundred dollars +in my left shoe and I might as well add to it now as later. I'll bet +you the five hundred to your eight hundred that the first thing I +tackle here, I make good!" +</P> + +<P> +"You hate yourself, don't you?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Who's yellah now?" he comes back. +</P> + +<P> +"The canary," I tells him. "You're on!" +</P> + +<P> +Just then the door-bell rings, and they was sounds of kissin' by women +principals in the hall. In walks the wife with what looks to me like a +opium-eater's dream and a Fifth Avenue evenin' gown model combined. +Alex takes one flash and turns red, white and blue. +</P> + +<P> +"This is my friend Eve Rossiter," says the wife. "My husband, Eve, and +my cousin, Alex Hanley." +</P> + +<P> +"Charmed!" breathes Eve, pullin' a smile that lit up the room. +</P> + +<P> +"Me and you both!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +But Alex clears his throat, grits his teeth and flushes up. They was a +glitter in his eye and he begins to talk fast and hard. +</P> + +<P> +"Howdy, Miss Rossiter!" he says, shakin' hands like he was bein' give a +knockdown to the new bartender. "I'm astounded to meet you! I just +come to New York to-day, but if I'd of knowed you was here, I'd of been +here long ago. However, I'm here now and better late than forever, as +the feller says. I just bet my cousin here that the first thing I +tried my hand at in New York I'd make good. I'm goin' out to-morrow +and show him how easy it is for a feller to get to the top in this here +prize rube burg, provided he has now gumption and his methods is new. +I'll see you to-morrow night and let you know how I made out; I know +you won't have no peace till you hear about it!" He digs into his +pockets feverishly and grabs out a handful of letters. "Here's what +they thought of me up in Vermont!" he goes on, never takin' his eyes +off the girl's face. The wife is starin' at him with her mouth and +eyes as open as a crap tourney, like she figured he'd gone nutty—and +me and Little Eva is runnin' neck and neck at tryin' to keep from +laughin'. "They say a man that can make good in New York can make good +anywhere," he goes on, throwin' the clutch into high again. "<I>I</I> say a +man that can make good anywhere can make good in New York! What's the +difference between New York and Goose Creek, Iowa?—New York's got more +people in it, that's all! It's harder—" +</P> + +<P> +"Alex, Alex!" butts in the wife, finally regainin' control of her +voice. "What is the matter with you? You—" +</P> + +<P> +"Hush!" says Alex, turnin' back to Eve again. "It's harder to make +good in a little town than it is in a big one, because—" +</P> + +<P> +"Alex, look here!" cuts in the wife, gettin' sore. "Miss Rossiter +ain't interested in that patter of yours—we're goin' to the theatre. +Now both you men run along and dress, we'll miss half the show as it +is!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll be right back!" chirps Alex to Eve. "Them eyes of yours is +simply now dumfoundin'!" +</P> + +<P> +I took Alex in my boudoir and while I'm gettin' in the banquet +uneyform, he takes a thing that was a cross between a tuxedo and a +dress suit out of his bag and dolls up. When set for the street, Alex +was no Greek god, but he was fairly easy to look at, if you closed one +eye. He wanted to know what kind of an entertainment they had at the +opry house this week, and I told him I'd show him somethin' that had +them huskin' bees, he was used to up in Vermont, beat eighty ways from +the jack. +</P> + +<P> +Well, we go to the biggest musical show on Broadway, and instead of +faintin' dead away from joy, Alex claims it was rotten and spent the +night explainin' to Eve how he was gonna take New York the next +mornin'. After the show we went to a cabaret and still no rise out of +Alex. He was off the gay whirl, he says, and his idea of a holiday was +to sit beside his own fireside, readin' yesterday's mail, while his +wife made the room resound with melody by hummin' "Silver Threads Among +The Gold," the while knittin' a doily for the front-room table. +</P> + +<P> +At this, Eve, which has been gazin' at Alex all night like he was Coney +Island and she was gettin' her first peep, asks if he was married. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't crowd me!" he tells her, tappin' her arm playfully. "I ain't +gonna get married till I make good. By to-morrow night, though, I +reckon I'll be in a position to talk it over with you!" +</P> + +<P> +"Ooooh!!" gasps Eve, turnin' a becomin' shade of red. Can you tell me +why them big league dames fall for these guys like Alex? If you can do +that, I got an easy one for you—I wanna know who started the world. +From one flash at Eve, bein' a married man, I could tell where she'd be +the next night when Alex called—and it wouldn't be—out! The next +minute Eve laughed and tells Alex if he's got as much ability as he has +nerve, he ought to have New York on its ear in twenty-four hours. The +wife asks him will he kindly lay off pesterin' her girl friend to death +and quit boostin' himself for a minute, because we was out for pleasure +and he had played the one record all night. +</P> + +<P> +"Go on, Mister Hanley," butts in Eve, "I love to hear you talk. You're +so different from any one else I've met, and I really believe you +<I>will</I> do something big here, because you're—well—new!" +</P> + +<P> +"You have remarked somethin'!" agrees Alex. "I'm gonna show 'em +somethin' they never seen before and make 'em like it!" +</P> + +<P> +Well, he takes Eve home that night for a starter, and the next mornin' +he's up bright and early at seven, ready to startle Manhattan. He said +he wanted me to go out with him and watch him win my eight hundred +bucks and also to notice the way he worked. He picks up the mornin' +paper, runs through the "Help Wanted" columns for a minute and finally +clears his throat. +</P> + +<P> +"Aha!" he says. "Listen to this—'Wanted. High class automobile +salesman for the Gaflooey light delivery wagon. We have no time for +experiments and successful applicant must make good at once. We don't +want an order taker, but an order <I>maker</I>—a real, live, simon-pure +hustler who will start delivering the goods the morning he goes on the +payroll. This job pays ten thousand a year, if you show us you're +worth it. Apply personally all day and bring references. This is +imperative. We want to see your past record of sales elsewhere. Ask +for Mr. Grattan, 1346 Broadway. If you haven't the experience, don't +come!'" +</P> + +<P> +"Well?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +He puts down the paper and reaches for his hat. +</P> + +<P> +"They'll probably be a lot after that there job, hey?" he asks me. +</P> + +<P> +"About four thousand, I'd say offhand!" I grins. +</P> + +<P> +"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands and smilin', "I love competition +because it puts a feller on his mettle. Now look here, if I go down +there and secure that job this mornin', do I get your eight hundred +dollars?" +</P> + +<P> +"What?" I hollers. "What d'ye mean, do you get my eight hundred?" +</P> + +<P> +"Listen!" he says. "The bet was that I make good at the first thing I +tackle, wasn't it—all right! Now this here job looks good to me. Ten +thousand a year is nice money to start. If you're fair minded, you'll +admit that in goin' after this job I'm up against a pretty stiff +proposition. In the first place I don't know no more about automobiles +than you do about raisin' hogs. I never sold one in my life. I don't +know a soul in New York outside of you, Cousin Alice and that girl I +took home last night, so I can't furnish no references on my ability as +a salesman. The advertisement says you have to have 'em. As you say, +they'll be thousands after that job. Fellers with swell fronts, high +soundin' records in back of 'em and gilt-edged references. Now under +all that handicap, if I walk in there and get the job, won't you admit +I made good?" +</P> + +<P> +"If you go down and ask for that job and they turn you down, you'll pay +me, eh?" I asks him. +</P> + +<P> +"At once!" he says, firmly. +</P> + +<P> +"C'mon, Alex!" I tells him, puttin' on my hat. "I hate to cop a sucker +bet like this, but maybe losin' it will reduce the size of your head a +trifle and do you good!" +</P> + +<P> +Once out in the street, he stretches his arms, pulls his hat down hard +over his dome and stamps his feet. +</P> + +<P> +"Watch me close!" he says. "Watch me close and you'll get some +valuable tips on how to put yourself over. I told you I was gonna be +new—just observe how I go after this job. The average New Yorker who +wanted it would go right down to the office, present his, now, +credentials and ask for it, wouldn't he?" +</P> + +<P> +I nodded. +</P> + +<P> +"The early worm catches the fish, y'know!" I says; "and in New York +here—the town that made pep and hustle famous—a man would be down +there at six a.m. waitin' for the place to open. Why, there's prob'ly +a hundred or more there right now!" +</P> + +<P> +"I hope there's a million!" he comes back. "It'll be more satisfaction +when they hire me over all them others. Now I ain't goin' near that +there office as yet. My system gets away from the old stuff—just keep +your eye on Cousin Alex from now on!" +</P> + +<P> +He buys a newspaper, finds the automobile section and, finally, a big +display advertisement of the Gaflooey Auto Company. He takes out a +letter from his pocket and on the back of it he marks the price, style, +and a lot of other dope about Gaflooey light delivery wagons and then +throws the paper away. +</P> + +<P> +"Now," he grins, "I'm all ready, except to give them folks my full name +for the payroll!" +</P> + +<P> +At that minute, somebody slaps me on the back and I swing around to see +Buck Rice chucklin' at me. Buck used to be one of the best second +basemen that ever picked up a bat, till his legs went back on him and +he got into the automobile game. I remember thinkin' how funny it was +that he come along right then when me and Alex was talkin' about autos. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, how are they breakin', Buck?" I says, shakin' hands and +introducin' Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"I think I have fanned with the bases loaded again," he laughs. "I put +in five hours to-day tryin' to get the Mastadon Department Store to put +in a line of six-cylinder Katzes on their delivery system. I got a +private tip that they're changin' from the Mutz-36 and the first order +will be about eighty cars. Of course that's a sweet piece of money for +somebody and everybody in New York will be there to-day tryin' to grab +that order off. You might as well try to sell radiators in Hades +though, because Munson, the bird that does the purchasin', is stuck on +the Clarendon and he wouldn't buy anything else if they was givin' 'em +away!" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, that's tough, Buck!" I sympathizes. +</P> + +<P> +"Sure is!" he says, givin' me and Alex a quarter perfecto and grinnin' +some more to show how disappointed he feels. "But I should worry! If +I lose that one, I'll get another, so what's the difference?" He turns +to Alex, "Y'know in New York here," he confides, "we don't have no time +to hold no coroner's inquests over failures. We forget about 'em and +go after somethin' else—always on the job, get me? You'll learn after +you're here a while—that's what makes the town what it is. If I +stopped to moan over every order I didn't put across, I'd be nowhere +to-day. Nope, you can't do that in New York!" +</P> + +<P> +"Another of them there New Yorkers, hey?" sneers Alex to me, after Buck +has blowed. "Don't you see how that feller proves my argyment about +how simple it is to make good here? From the way he's dressed—them, +now, diamonds and so forth—he's probably a big feller in his line. +Makin' plenty of money and looked on as a success by the ig'rant. Yet +he lets a big order get away from him when it was practically a cinch +to land it!" +</P> + +<P> +"Say, listen!" I yelps—this bird was gettin' on my nerves. "If +four-flushin' was water, you'd be the Pacific Ocean! You gimme a pain +with that line of patter you got, and as far as salesmanship is +concerned, I'll bet you couldn't sell a porterhouse steak to a guy +dyin' of hunger. I'd like to see <I>you</I> land an order like Buck spoke +of, you—" +</P> + +<P> +"That's just what you're gonna do!" he butts in. "You're gonna see +<I>me</I> land that very order he told us about—what d'ye think of that, +hey?" +</P> + +<P> +I stopped dead and gazed upon him. +</P> + +<P> +"You're gonna which?" I asks him. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm gonna land that order from that department store!" he repeats, +grabbin' my arm. "C'mon—show me how to get there!" +</P> + +<P> +I fell up against a lamp post and laughed till a passin' dame remarked +to her friend that it was an outrage the way some guys drank. Then I +led Alex to the subway. +</P> + +<P> +"Listen," I says. "What about this job you was gonna get? Of course +you know if you quit, I win the bet." +</P> + +<P> +"Quit?" he says. "Where have I heard the word before? Who said +anything about quittin'? I'm gonna get that order and I'm gonna get +that job!" +</P> + +<P> +"Fair enough!" I tells him, "but you're goin' at the thing backwards. +How are you gonna take an order for autos when you ain't got no autos +to sell? I suppose you figure on grabbin' the ten thousand dollar job +first and then makin' good with a loud crash by landin' the big order, +eh?" +</P> + +<P> +He shakes his head and sighs pityin'ly. +</P> + +<P> +"Would there be anything new and original about that?" he asks. +</P> + +<P> +"No!" I says, "there wouldn't! But I don't see how you're gonna win +out any other way." +</P> + +<P> +"Of course you don't!" he sneers. "You're a New Yorker, ain't you? +I'm supposed to be the rube, simply because I wasn't born on Sixth +Avenue. Now I already told you my methods was new, didn't I? Anybody +would work the thing the way you lay it out—and probably land neither +the job nor the order. What a chance would I have goin' up there and +askin' for that job first? Where would I come out against all them +sellin' experts with letters and so forth to prove it? Why, they'd +laugh me outa the office! <I>B-u-t!—if I go to them with an order for +fifty or sixty of their cars as actual proof that I can sell not only +autos, but their autos</I>, what will they say, then? D'ye see the point +now? They ask me for a reference and I reach in my pocket and give +them the order, <I>which I've got before applyin' for the job</I>, to prove +to myself and them that I can sell automobiles!" +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy! +</P> + +<P> +"Alex," I says, when I got my breath, "I gotta hand it to you! When it +comes to inventin' things, you got Edison lookin' like a backward +pupil. Go to it, old kid! If you put this over the way you have just +told it to me, you'll own Broadway in a week!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm figurin' on ten days!" he says. +</P> + +<P> +We arrive at the Mastadon Department Store and shoot up in the elevator +to the office of G. C. Munson, the general manager. Alex has been +readin' the notes he made on Gaflooey delivery wagons like the same was +a French novel, and, by the time we got there, he could repeat their +advertisement by heart. He starts to breeze right into the office and +some dame appears on the scene and nails him. +</P> + +<P> +"One moment, please!" she says, very cold—givin' Alex a look that took +in everything from his hick clothes to his rube haircut. "This happens +to be a private office. Whom did you desire to see?" +</P> + +<P> +"If I thought they was anybody prettier than you here, I'd ask to have +them brought out," says Alex, in that simple rube way of his which give +no offense, "but of course I know that's impossible. Still, as long as +I'm here, I'd like to see Mister Munson." +</P> + +<P> +The dame melts and releases a smile. +</P> + +<P> +"What did you wish to see him about?" she asks. +</P> + +<P> +"About ten minutes," pipes Alex. "D'ye know there's somethin' about +them navy blue eyes of yours that makes me think of my mother—isn't +that funny?" +</P> + +<P> +The dame surrenders and shows Alex all her nice front teeth. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll see if Mister Munson is in," she says, handin' him a card, "but +you'll have to fill this out." +</P> + +<P> +Alex looks at the card which had this on it, +</P> + +<PRE STYLE="margin-left: 10%"> +Mr ................................... + +Desires to see ....................... + +Regarding ............................ +</PRE> + +<BR> + +<P> +He laughs suddenly, takes out his fountain pen and fills the thing out. +Lookin' over his shoulder I seen him write this, +</P> + +<PRE STYLE="margin-left: 10%"> +Mr......... <I>Alex Hanley</I> + +Desires to see ...... <I>Mr. Munson</I>. + +Regarding .... <I>The price of petrified noodles in Siberia</I>. +</PRE> + +<BR> + +<P> +"There," he says, handin' it to the girl without a smile, "give that to +Mister Munson." +</P> + +<P> +She takes it in without lookin' at it. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, you crabbed any chance you might of had, right off the bat!" I +says to Alex. "He'll get so sore when he reads that, he won't even let +you in." +</P> + +<P> +"Let him get sore!" chirps Alex. "He'll not only get sore, he'll get +curious and then again I'm figurin' on him bein' human, besides bein' +general manager and havin' a sense of humor! He's probably been +pestered with auto salesmen all day—if I wrote my real business on +that card he'd send word he was out. As it is, he'll read it and he +won't be able to resist the, now, temptation to get one look at a +feller which would want to know from a man in his position the price of +petrified noodles in Siberia. No matter what happens afterwards, he'll +want one look—wouldn't you?" +</P> + +<P> +Before I can answer, the dame comes out laughin'. +</P> + +<P> +"Step in," she says. "Mister Munson will see you." +</P> + +<P> +"Now!" hisses Alex, as we ease in on the velvet carpet. "Watch how <I>I</I> +go about sellin' autos. Y'see I got a nibble already because I was +new! I—Howdy, Mister Munson!" +</P> + +<P> +We was in the private office. +</P> + +<P> +Munson was a little, keen-faced guy—bald, nervous and fat. He looks +up over his glasses with Alex's card in his hand—and Alex looks back. +In one second they had each found out all they wanted to know about the +other. +</P> + +<P> +"What's the meaning of this nonsense?" barks Munson. +</P> + +<P> +Alex walks over to the desk, wets his lips and gets goin'. +</P> + +<P> +"Mister Munson," he says, "if you called on a man at his office, would +you care to write your business on a card for the office boy to read? +No—you would not! A big man like you would probably tear the card up, +leave the office in a, now, rage and never return! You'd be insulted, +your, now, dignity would be hurt, eh? You might be from out of town +and comin' here to leave a big order and that little thing—prob'ly +invented by one of your New York efficiency stars—would make you so +mad you'd go away and order where they wasn't so efficient, but a +little more courteous! Look at that card—the, now, wordin' of it. +Look how cold and hard it is! No warmth, no 'glad-to-see-you-stranger +what-can-my-house-do-for-you?' about it. It's like a slap in the face! +Maybe it does keep the panhandlers away, but did you ever figure how +many orders it must have cost you, hey?" +</P> + +<P> +Munson has listened to every word, first with a heavy frown and then +with a kind of thoughtful look on his face. He taps the desk with a +lead pencil, reads the card a couple of times and then slams his fist +on the desk. +</P> + +<P> +"By Peter, young man!" he snaps out suddenly, "you may be right! The +wording of that office blank <I>is</I> rather insulting, now that I dissect +it—been too busy before to notice it. Yes, sir, I <I>would</I> resent +having my business blatted out before a whole staff of subordinates! +There must be some way, of course, to keep out the hordes of jobless +and what not who would get in if it wasn't for that blank and now, by +the eternal, we'll find one less liable to turn away gold with +the—er—grist! I thank you for the suggestion. And now, what did you +want to see me about?" +</P> + +<P> +"Automobiles," says Alex, "and—" +</P> + +<P> +Munson freezes right up and slaps his hands together. +</P> + +<P> +"That's enough!" he snarls. "Perhaps that office blank of ours is not +so bad after all! If you had filled it out properly, you wouldn't be +here. I've heard enough about autos to-day to last me for the rest of +my life. Yesterday, I mentioned casually, and I thought in confidence, +that we were considering a change in our delivery system. Beginning at +eight this morning, there has been a constant stream of automobile +salesmen in this office! The only persons who have not tried to sell +me automobiles are George Washington, Jack Dempsey and Billy Sunday! +I'm quite sure every one else has been here. The air has been filled +with magnetos, self-starters, sliding gear transmissions, aluminum +crank cases and all that other damnable technical stuff that goes with +automobiles! You need not open your mouth—I know exactly what your +sales talk is, they're all alike, more or less. Your car is far and +away the best on the market, of course, and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Excuse me, Mister Munson!" butts in Alex. "You get me all wrong. Our +car—the Gaflooey—is <I>not</I> the best on the market. There are others +just as good and some of the higher priced ones are, naturally, better. +You can't expect the best on the market for the price we sell at—750. +A man of your intelligence knows that and when a salesman tells you his +five hundred dollar car is better than a standard make at five +thousand, he's insulting your intelligence. We make a good, honest +car—that's all. I ain't gonna take up your time tellin' you about +the—eh—ah—the—eh, magneto and so forth. Unless you're a mechanic, +you wouldn't understand about 'em anyways. All the parts that go with +any car are on ours, or it wouldn't work—that's understood. However, +as I said before, I ain't gonna take up your time. I know how you New +Yorkers do business, and you've probably made your mind up already. +You big men are all zip!—like that. Mind made up and nothin' can +change you. Even if you do miss somethin' good now and then, you don't +mind because you have the satisfaction of bein' known as a quick +thinker. We just got in a new consignment of cars to-day and if you're +interested our place is at 1346 Broadway. Well, good-day, sir!" he +winds up, reachin' for his hat. +</P> + +<P> +"Wait!" says Munson, takin' off his glasses and wipin' 'em. "You're a +new one on me, son! So you admit you haven't got the greatest auto +that was ever made, eh?" he chuckles. "By Peter! That sounds strange +after all the talk I been listening to to-day. If your car is as +honest as you seem to be, it's all right!" He sits lookin' off in the +air, tappin' the desk with the pencil again. +</P> + +<P> +Alex nudges me and we start for the door. Halfway he stops and looks +at a photo that's framed over the desk. It's a picture of a barn, some +chickens and a couple of cows. +</P> + +<P> +"Right fine landscape, that!" chirps Alex to Munson. "Makes a feller +like me homesick to look at it. Them are sure fine Jerseys, too—and +say, see them pullets, would you!" +</P> + +<P> +"That's my little farm down on Long Island," says Munson, throwin' out +his chest. "I suppose that makes you laugh, eh? Big, grown New Yorker +having a farm, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"Mister," says Alex, sadly, "it don't make <I>me</I> laugh! I was raised on +a farm in Vermont and—" +</P> + +<P> +"That so?" cuts in Munson, lookin' interested. "Country boy, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yep," goes on Alex. "Now, speakin' of them pullets there—if you'd +try 'em on a straight diet of bran and potatoes—pound of each—they'll +fatten up quicker." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes?" pipes Munson, brightenin' up some more. "Well, well! +And—hmph! Thanks, Mister Hanley, I'll make a note of that. +Now—eh—sit down a minute! I don't want to take your time, but—eh, +what did you find best back home for saving the young chicks? What +foods—" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll just leave you a few little rules," says Alex, his eyes +glitterin', as he rams his elbow a mile in my ribs. "I got to call on +another department store this afternoon, where I'm almost certain to +take an order and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Young man!" Munson shuts him off, "I'm frank enough to say that you've +made a very favorable impression on me. You're honest about your car, +and you didn't try to overawe me by hurling a lot of unintelligible +technical terms into my ear. You don't claim it's the bargain of the +age. Now we have recently inaugurated right here in this store a +policy of absolute honesty with regard to our merchandise. No +misrepresentations are permitted. We sell our goods for what they +are—we don't allow a clerk to tell a customer that he's getting a +five-dollar shirt for two dollars. I can't get the car I want to put +in here—they want too much money and their salesman spent most of his +time here speaking in terms that none but a master mechanic on their +own auto would understand. I'm a pretty good judge of character and +you look good to me. Give me a price on fifty of your cars for +immediate delivery and—well, let's hear your figures!" +</P> + +<P> +Alex drops his hat on the floor, but when he picked it up, he was as +cool as a dollar's worth of ice. +</P> + +<P> +"Just a minute," he says, sittin' down and reachin' for a desk +telephone. He gets the Gaflooey Company on the wire. +</P> + +<P> +"Hello!" he says. "Say—I want a lump price on fifty delivery +wagons—what?—never mind who this is, if the price is right I'll come +up." He winks at Munson like he's lettin' him in on somethin'—and, by +gravy, Munson winks back! "Yes—fifty," says Alex on the wire. +"Thirty-five thousand dollars?—thank you!" He hangs up the phone and +turns to Munson. "They'll give you twenty-five hundred off, accordin' +to that figure," he says. +</P> + +<P> +Munson grabs up a pad and writes somethin' on it. +</P> + +<P> +"There!" he says, givin' it to Alex. "Tell 'em to get as many cars +over here to-morrow as they can. Get your bill and I'll O.K. it. +Now—" he pulls his chair over closer, "About those chicks and—oh, +yes, I want your opinion on some figures I have here on my truck—" +</P> + +<P> +An hour later, me and Alex walks into the salesroom of the Gaflooey +Automobile Company. I was in a trance, and if he had of promised to +lift the Singer Buildin' with one hand I would of laid the world eight +to five he could do it! The whole place is in confusion—salesmen +chasin' around, telephonin' and actin' like they just heard they was a +bomb in the basement. Alex asks for the manager, and some guy chances +over and asks what he wants. +</P> + +<P> +"I have come for that ten thousand a year job you advertised this +mornin'," says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Job?" howls the manager, glarin' at him. "You poor boob, can't you +see how busy we are here now? We just got a tip on a real order—fifty +cars, and we can't trace the thing!" He rubs his hands together. +"Fifty cars! That's how the Gaflooey sells—fifty at a time!" He +sneers at Alex. "Your approach is terrible!" he says. "You'll never +land a job in this town like that, my boy. Go somewhere first and +learn how to interest a busy man with the first thing you say and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Listen!" butts in Alex. "Gimme that job, will you, or I'll have to go +somewhere else." +</P> + +<P> +The manager laughs, as a couple of salesmen come along and join him. +They all sneer at Alex and the manager nudges his minions and winks. +</P> + +<P> +"So you think you're a ten thousand dollar auto salesman, eh?" he says. +"Ah—who can you refer to?" He makes a bluff at takin' down notes. +</P> + +<P> +"Mister Munson, of the Mastadon Department Store," says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Ha, ha, ha!" roars the manager. "Department store, eh—that's rich! +You quit the shirtwaist department to sell autos, eh? Ha, ha, ha! +What does a department store manager know of your ability to sell +autos?" he snarls. +</P> + +<P> +"Well,—I just sold him fifty of <I>yours</I>!" remarks Alex. "So I +thought—" +</P> + +<P> +"What?" shrieks the manager, grabbin' his arm. +</P> + +<P> +Alex hands over the order Munson give him. +</P> + +<P> +"Now before I go to work here," he says, "it might be a good idea to +let me look over one of your cars, because, to tell you the truth, I +ain't never seen one of 'em in my life!" +</P> + +<P> +Well, they had Munson on the phone in a minute and in another one the +manager hangs up the receiver and comes back. +</P> + +<P> +"Do I get the job?" asks Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Do you get the job!" yells friend manager, slappin' him on the back. +"No, you don't get it—only if you leave here without signing your name +to a five-year contract and accepting a check for fifteen hundred +dollars' commission and as much more as you want to draw on your +expense account, I'll—I'll—murder you! But first, you lunch with me +at the Fitz-Barlton and we'll map out a campaign—" +</P> + +<P> +"Gimme that eight hundred!" says Alex to me. +</P> + +<P> +I passed it over still semi-conscious. +</P> + +<P> +Alex stretches his arms, puts the money away and grins. +</P> + +<P> +"Get me that Eve girl on the phone, will you?" he tells me. "I—I had +a little bet with her, too!" He lights the cigar Buck Rice had give +him in the mornin', blows out some smoke and looks over at Broadway, +jammed with the matinée crowd. "Some burg!" he says, shakin' his head +and grinnin' at me! +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap02"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER II +</H3> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +THE SELF-COMMENCER +</H4> + +<P> +There's nothin' the world loves so much as a good tryer. I don't mean +the birds that havin' everything in their favor, includin' a ten-mile +start, finishes first in the Big Race—I'm talkin' about the guys that +never get better than second or third, but generally land in the money. +The old Consistent Charlies that, no matter how many times they're +beaten, figures the time to quit is when you're dead and buried! +</P> + +<P> +Did you ever stop to think that the tryers which never get nowhere is +responsible for the other guys' success? They're the babies that make +a race or a fight out of it, and if it wasn't for them dubs there'd be +no successes at all. In order to have winners, we got to have +<I>losers</I>, don't we? And don't forget that yesterday's losers are +to-morrow's winners and vice-president or vice versa, whatever it is. +</P> + +<P> +A fighter knows that these birds which come up smilin' no matter how +many times he drops 'em for the count is as dangerous as dynamite, +until he knocks 'em cold. No matter how bad this loser may be battered +up, he's always got a chance while he's tryin'. I've seen guys that +was winnin' by two miles curl up and quit before a dub they had beaten +till the crowd was yellin' for mercy, simply because this poor +bunged-up simp kept comin' in all the time—battered, bloody, drunk +with wallops—<I>but tryin' up to the last bell</I>! +</P> + +<P> +Now these guys may never get nowhere, but they're the birds that's put +most of the guys that <I>do</I> where they are. Why? Think it over! You +gotta be <I>good</I> to beat them birds, don't you? They make competition +keen, they keep the other guys on their toes, they're the gasoline that +keeps the old world goin' forward on high and the birds that get over +are only the chauffeurs. You gotta have both to run the car and the +universe wouldn't move forward six inches if we didn't have one failure +for every success. +</P> + +<P> +So if you've failed to set the world on fire up to date, don't walk out +on the dock to see what kind of a jump it is. If you can't be a +winner, you can be a good loser and it's a toss-up which is the bigger +thing! A guy who can beat the yellah streak we all pack somewheres, +every time he fails to register a win, and will keep rememberin' that +to-morrow has got yesterday beat eighty-seven ways, is no loser! On +paper he mightn't be a winner, but he <I>is</I>. He's a bigger winner than +the bird that gets over, because he's whipped the quit in him without +no kind applause to cheer him on. I've seen losers that attracted more +attention in runnin' <I>last</I> than any six winners in the same precinct. +</P> + +<P> +Them kind of birds can't help tryin'. They couldn't quit if they +wanted to, which they don't! They got somethin' in 'em that keeps +shovin' 'em along whether they're regrettin' the breaks or not. +They're always full of the old ambish no matter what the score is in +the ninth. They're what you might call self-starters in the automobile +of life—they don't need a <I>win</I> now and then to crank 'em up, they +keep goin' forward hittin' on all cylinders from the nursery to the +embalmer! +</P> + +<P> +Alex was one of them guys. +</P> + +<P> +The Big Town fell for his stuff because it was <I>new</I>, the same as it +will fall for <I>yours</I> to-morrow if you get somethin' it never seen and +the nerve to try it out! +</P> + +<P> +About a month after Alex was workin' as head salesman for the Gaflooey +Auto Company at a pittance of ten thousand a year, he come up to the +flat for dinner one night. I seen right away that somethin' was wrong, +because he only eat about half of the roast duck and brung along his +own cigars. After nature could stand no more, and we had dragged +ourselves away from the table to let the servant girl make good, we +adjourn to the parlor and the wife gets ready to punish the neighbors +with the victrola. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Alex, sittin' down in the only rocker, of course, "it +looks like they have finally gimme somethin' that even <I>I</I> can't do!" +</P> + +<P> +"Can that be possible?" I says, pickin' up the sportin' final. +</P> + +<P> +"Wait till you hear this one!" remarks the wife, crankin' up the +victrola. "John McCormack singin' 'If Beauty Was Water, You'd Be +Niagara Falls!' It's a knockout!" +</P> + +<P> +"Say!" snorts Alex, gettin' peeved. "Can't a man find no attention +here?" +</P> + +<P> +"Look in the telephone book under the A's," I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Never mind, dearie!" the wife tells him. "I'll listen. What's on +your mind?" She goes over and sits on the arm of his chair, knowin' +full well it gets my goat. +</P> + +<P> +"I see you're the only one in this family that's got any sense!" pipes +Alex, pattin' her hand. +</P> + +<P> +"Yen," I says, "I ain't got enough sense to turn on a radiator. All +I'm good for is to get the dollars, which of course is nothin' at all +in keepin' up the home!" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, you'll never have Rockefeller and that crowd gnashin' their +teeth with all the dollars you'll get!" says Alex, "and that ain't no +lie!" +</P> + +<P> +"Now, boys," butts in the wife, "let's all be friends even if we do +belong to the same family. What is it, Alex? Speak up like a man." +</P> + +<P> +"Well," he says, "the Gaflooey people has started to make tourin' cars +and roadsters! What d'ye think of that?" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm simply dumfounded!" I says. "Has Congress heard about this?" +</P> + +<P> +"There you go again!" snorts Alex. "Always tryin' to ridicule +everything I do. It's simply a case of sour grapes with you—jealousy, +that's all!" +</P> + +<P> +"Sour grapes ain't jealousy," I says. "Sour grapes is brandy. Go on +with your story, Alex." +</P> + +<P> +"Don't mind him," whispers the wife in his ear. "He'd laugh in church!" +</P> + +<P> +"Why not?" I says. "I ain't done no gigglin' since you and me first +went there together." +</P> + +<P> +"Will you let go?" she says. "Go on, Alex." +</P> + +<P> +"Well," he says, "they called me into the president's office to-day, +and the former begins by tellin' me I'm the best salesman they ever +had." +</P> + +<P> +"He don't care what he says, does he?" I butts in. "I suppose you +admitted the charge, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"After that," goes on Alex, snubbin' me, "he tells me they have decided +to get into the pleasure car game, instead of just makin' trucks and +the like. Their first offerin' is gonna be one of them chummy, +clover-leaf roadsters which will hold five people comfortably." +</P> + +<P> +"If they're well acquainted!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Will you leave the boy alone?" asks the wife. "I never saw anybody +like you in my life!" +</P> + +<P> +"Don't I know it?" I says. "Otherwise, how would we ever of got +married?" +</P> + +<P> +"Now," goes on Alex, "they want me to go up and see Runyon Q. Sampson, +the well-to-do millionaire, and get him to buy the first car. You can +imagine what a terrible good advertisement that will be for us if he +should buy it, can't you?" +</P> + +<P> +"It'll be O.K. till he tries to ride in it," I says, "and then the +chances are you'll have to leave town and the Gaflooey people will be +facin' a suit!" +</P> + +<P> +"There ain't another car on the market that can hold a match to the +Gaflooey!" hollers Alex, his goat prancin' madly about. +</P> + +<P> +"What's it made out of—celluloid?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"You may think you're funny!" he tells me, "but that's nothin' more or +less than ig'rance. Here I am wastin' valuable time tryin' to explain +somethin' to Cousin Alice and you keep interruptin' till a man don't +know where he's at! Let's see now, where was I?" he asks the wife. +</P> + +<P> +"The beautiful and good-lookin' princess had just promised to wed you," +I says, "but the crusty old king couldn't see into it!" +</P> + +<P> +The wife throws a pillow at me and it busted a vase that cost me three +hundred green certificates. After a short brawl over the remains, I +laid off Alex and he went ahead. +</P> + +<P> +"As I said before," he goes on, "the president of the Gaflooey Company +has selected me to go up and sell old Sampson this here chummy +roadster. If I land the order, which naturally enough I will, it means +I get made manager of the New York salesrooms. Then me and Eve +Rossiter will prob'ly get married and—" +</P> + +<P> +"What?" squeals the wife. "Are you and Eve engaged? And she never +said a word to me!" +</P> + +<P> +"How could she?" I says. "When he prob'ly had her doped?" +</P> + +<P> +"No, we ain't engaged," says Alex. "I ain't even asked the girl will +she be mine yet." +</P> + +<P> +"Then how do you know she'll marry you?" asks the wife. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Alex, "I figure if you married this here pest, I ought to +be able to marry anybody! But what I'm up against is this—I got to +take one of them roadsters up there to-day and demonstrate it to +Sampson. They have gone to work and made an appointment for me, and +what I don't know about automobiles would fill seven large libraries. +Here I'm supposed to show Mister Sampson the points on our car which is +better than any other and I can't tell the windshield from the magneto. +Now d'ye blame me for bein' worried?" +</P> + +<P> +"I thought you was the world's greatest salesman," I sneers. "You +don't mean to say this job has got you yellin' for the police already, +do you? What are you gonna do, quit?" +</P> + +<P> +"Speak English!" he comes back. "That word quit don't belong in our +language. Who said anything about quittin'? Even though I don't know +a thing about automobiles, I'm gonna sell Runyon Q. Sampson a Gaflooey +chummy roadster. A feller don't need knowledge to be a success half as +much as he needs confidence and I got more confidence than a feller +shootin' at a barn with a double-barrelled shot gun. Anyhow, I'll +betcha a rich millionaire like Sampson don't know any too much about +automobiles himself, bein' too busy with makin' money and the like, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"I suppose you're gonna make him think that you know more about them +gas buckboards than the guy which wrote 'em, eh?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"You'll never get nowhere!" he answers, lookin' at me like how can a +guy live and be so thick behind the ears. "You'll never be nothin' but +an average citizen, because you never get a new idea! No, I ain't +gonna make Sampson think <I>I</I> know more about automobiles than anybody +in the world—that's what has queered many a sale. I'm gonna make him +think <I>he</I> does, and that him buyin' our roadster proves it!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll bet you could make Rockefeller think they wasn't a nickel in +oil!" says the wife admirin'ly. +</P> + +<P> +Alex gets up and reaches for his hat. +</P> + +<P> +"If they was enough money in it for me, I'd try it," he says, "and that +ain't no lie!" +</P> + +<P> +I didn't see Alex till the next mornin' and then he blows in the flat. +</P> + +<P> +"Hello!" he says. "Here you are as usual, loafin' away the hull +mornin'. It's almost eight o'clock, d'ye know that?" +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" I says. "You can't get me on that one. The answer is seven +fifty-five!" +</P> + +<P> +"What d'ye mean, seven fifty-five?" he asks. +</P> + +<P> +"Ain't seven fifty-five almost eight o'clock," I says, "and didn't you +ask me if I knew it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Ain't he clever?" says the wife, pattin' me on the back. +</P> + +<P> +Alex looks at me in open disgust. +</P> + +<P> +"If that's bein' clever," he says, "I'm a professor from Harvard! +Where d'ye get that stuff?" +</P> + +<P> +"It's a gift!" I says. "What are you doin' here this hour of the day?" +</P> + +<P> +"Hurry up and git through eatin'," he says, "I want you to take a ride +with me." +</P> + +<P> +"What have you been pinched for?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Will you leave him be?" butts in the wife. "Don't mind him, Alex, +he'll go with you. Where are you going?" +</P> + +<P> +"Up to Runyon Q. Sampson's to sell him a Gaflooey roadster," says Alex. +"I got the car right outside now. Just wait till you git a look at it, +you'll be crazy to buy one yourself!" +</P> + +<P> +"You said it!" I tells him, puttin' on my coat. "I certainly would be +crazy if I bought one of them! Who's gonna drive this up there?" +</P> + +<P> +"I got a mechanic from the shop," says Alex. "A feller which knows so +much about automobiles that he could take a pair of pliers and a lug +wrench and go clear to Frisco with nothin' else!" +</P> + +<P> +"Not even a car, eh?" I says. "<I>Some</I> mechanic!" +</P> + +<P> +"Be still!" says the wife. "Well, Alex, I certainly hope you have all +kinds of luck. Let me know how you make out, will you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" I tells her. "Call up police headquarters in about an hour and +you'll prob'ly be able to get all the details, right off the blotter." +</P> + +<P> +We go outside and there's the Gaflooey chummy roadster leanin' right up +against the curb. It looked like it might be a regular automobile when +it grew up, but just then it seemed like it had been snatched from the +cradle before its features was fully formed. Two of them roadsters +would of made a nice pair of roller skates and the expense for tires +must of been practically nothin', because the ones that was on it +looked like a set of washers. The body was painted yellah and the +trimmin's was in Alice blue and catsup red. +</P> + +<P> +In the front seat is this guy which Alex claimed was the world's +greatest mechanic. You could see that at a glance anyhow, because he +was dressed in a pair of overalls that had lasted him ever since he +first broke into the automobile game and he carried about three quarts +of medium oil on his face and hands. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Alex, throwin' out his chest, "what d'ye think old Runyon +Q. Sampson will say when he casts his eye over that, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"You'd only get sore if I told you," I says, "but I'll say this much, +Alex. If you can sell him that mechanical toy there on the pretense +that it's an automobile, I'm goin' up to-morrow and sell him Grant's +Tomb for a paperweight!" +</P> + +<P> +"Git in," pipes Alex, "and stop knockin'!" +</P> + +<P> +"I won't have to knock after we get started—that's if we do," I tells +him, forcin' myself into the rear, "the motor will look after that!" +</P> + +<P> +Alex nudges the mechanic. +</P> + +<P> +"This here's my cousin," he tells him. "He ain't a bad feller in spite +of that." +</P> + +<P> +He turns around to me, "Joe," he says, "I want you to meet Mister Eddie +Worth, the best man on gas engines that ever burnt his hands on an +exhaust pipe!" +</P> + +<P> +"Greetin's, Eddie!" I says, shakin' hands with him and gettin' a half +pound of grease for nothin'. +</P> + +<P> +"Gimme a cigarette!" answers Eddie. "I been waitin' here an hour for +youse guys. The motor is prob'ly all cold now and the starter may +gimme an argument." +</P> + +<P> +He gets out and monkeys around the front of the car. +</P> + +<P> +"Ain't it nice and roomy back there?" Alex asks me. +</P> + +<P> +I moved my knees away from my chin so's I could talk. +</P> + +<P> +"Great!" I says. "Only the Gaflooey people is liable to get in trouble +on account of them coppin' the design from somebody else." +</P> + +<P> +"What d'ye mean?" he asks me, lookin' puzzled. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I tells him, "you gotta admit that the seatin' arrangements +back here is a dead steal from a can of sardines!" +</P> + +<P> +"Did you ever see anything you couldn't find fault with?" he sneers. +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh," I says. "I once got three nickels in change for a dime." +</P> + +<P> +At this critical moment, the mechanic gets down on his hands and knees +in the street and begins to worry the car like a dog with a bone. Then +all of a sudden he crawls underneath it and disappears from the public +eye. A lot of shippin' clerks, bookkeepers, salesgirls, brokers, +lawyers and the like, on their way downtown to their jobs, figures that +you can go to work any day, but an auto bein' fixed calls for immediate +attention and gets around us in a circle. This seemed to get Alex's +goat, but it was huckleberry pie to the mechanic. He crawls out from +under, rolls up his sleeves, ruffles his hair, looks over the crowd and +rubs his hands together. +</P> + +<P> +"Gimme a cigarette!" he says. "And reach down in that tool box there +and hand me up them pliers, a couple of S wrenches, the hammer and a +screwdriver!" +</P> + +<P> +The crowd sighs with delight, but Alex leaps off the seat like they was +bees in the upholstery. +</P> + +<P> +"What d'ye want all them there tools for?" he yells. "Stop this monkey +business, I'm an hour late now! What's the matter with the car?" +</P> + +<P> +The mechanic looks around at the crowd and shakes his head pityin'ly. +They give Alex the laugh, and a manicure tells her friend that if she +was the mechanic she wouldn't bother with it, but would make Alex fix +it himself for gettin' so bold. +</P> + +<P> +"What's the matter with the car?" repeats the mechanic, waggin' his +head from side to side with a sarcastic movement. "It's been abused, +that's all! I ain't had time to go over it carefully; it'll have to be +towed down to the shop where we can git it up on jacks and take it +apart. I found a leak in the radiator, the bolts is missin' from the +muffler, there's a crack in the rear housin' and the clutch seems to +grind a bit." +</P> + +<P> +Alex grits his teeth and grabs hold of the windshield. +</P> + +<P> +"Is that all?" he hisses. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, not <I>all</I>, no!" says the mechanic, scratchin' his chin. "They +must be a couple of pins sheered off of the differential and the—" +</P> + +<P> +"They ain't no sich a thing!" roars Alex. "This here's a brand new +car, right from our factory—you wooden-headed fule! It ain't been run +a mile and they ain't a thing the matter with it, not even a scratch on +the paint! You was sent up here to drive this car, not to wreck it. +You—" +</P> + +<P> +"Hey, don't git to callin' me no wooden-headed fool!" hollers the +mechanic, jumpin' around and wavin' the pliers. "That's against the +union rules, and you'll get the worst of it if I bring it before the +board. They must be some mistake here. I thought you wanted me to +look over this boat for your friend here and see what it needed. How'd +I know you only wanted me to drive? I ain't no mind-reader, I'm a +mechanic and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Shut up!" says Alex; "and drive us out to Tarrytown. As a matter of +fact, the car's all right, ain't it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Certainly!" says the mechanic. "Ain't it a new one? Gimme a +cigarette and I'll see if I can get this tin can here to roll." +</P> + +<P> +It's just about eighteen miles as the pigeon soars from where we +started to Runyon Q. Sampson's country home at Tarrytown, and we fled +up there in two hours. This car was a wonder on hills, that is it's a +wonder we got up 'em at all. We climbed most of 'em with the emergency +brake on so's we wouldn't slip back to the garage, and I figured that +the car must of been painted yellah in honor of the motor, which quit +like a dog every time the goin' got rough. The mechanic drives us in +through the entrance of Sampson's domicile, as we remark at the garage, +and then stops for encouragement before goin' further. Alex elects me +to go up and notify Sampson that we're all set to show him the Gaflooey +chummy roadster, while he and the mechanic stays behind to look over +the car and see that everything is workin' fairly perfect. I got as +far as the porch and a guy in a drum-major's uneyform without the hat +nails me. He was as big as the Woolworth Buildin' and just as +emotional. He looked like what them stage butlers tries to. +</P> + +<P> +"What would you wish?" he asks, friendly as a traffic cop to a +taxi-driver. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, if I thought they was any use," I says, "I'd wish I had a +million bucks, but as it is, I'd like to see Runyon Q. Sampson, your +master." +</P> + +<P> +"Step this way!" he says, startin' to walk ahead. +</P> + +<P> +"I can't step that way!" I says, watchin' him close. "It must be a +gift. I'll have to folley you in my own way on account of havin' a +blowout in my rubber heels an—" +</P> + +<P> +Just then a little bald-headed guy with one of them short gray +mustaches which the wealthy banker wears in the movies, crosses our +path and the big feller stops and salutes him. +</P> + +<P> +"Gentleman to see you, sir," he says. +</P> + +<P> +"Hmph!" grunts Runyon Q. Sampson, which is who the little guy was, as +the gentle readers has prob'ly guessed. "I can't see any one now. I +have an appointment this afternoon to—" +</P> + +<P> +"I guess I'm that appointment," I butts in, "or part of it, anyways. +Was you expectin' to look over a Gaflooey chummy roadster?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, what of it?" he snaps. +</P> + +<P> +"My lord, the carriage awaits!" I says, makin' a bow. "Folley me and +you'll go motorin'!" +</P> + +<P> +"Are you the agent?" he asks, as we walk back over the lawn. +</P> + +<P> +"No," I says, "I'm his cousin. He's carryin' me along for luck or +somethin'. We also have a mechanic with us in case of fire. Are you +fond of automobilin'?" +</P> + +<P> +"Much more so than of conversation!" he barks. +</P> + +<P> +"That stops me!" I says. "I'm dumb from now on. What is it who's this +says? Silence is golden, speech is human—ain't it?" +</P> + +<P> +We have reached the car by this time, and Alex steps forward. +</P> + +<P> +"Good morning, Mister Sampson!" he says. "I want to thank you for the +company and myself, for volunteering your judgment as to whether our +new model chummy roadster is a good car or not." +</P> + +<P> +Sampson walks around it a couple of times, opens the hood, looks at the +motor and sniffs. +</P> + +<P> +"It's entirely too small!" he announces. "The body is grotesque, the +paint is a horrible color and the chassis seems out of alignment." +</P> + +<P> +"Exactly what I thought you would say!" agrees Alex, noddin' his head +like Sampson had raved over the car. "We will make any changes you +suggest. After all, you'll be the one to use it and that makes you the +one to be pleased. We have custom made suits, shoes and shirts—why +not custom made automobiles?" +</P> + +<P> +"Hmph!" grunts Sampson. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll fall," I says, hopin' to break the embarrassin' silence. "Why +not?" +</P> + +<P> +"Shut up!" hisses Alex. "Would you allow us to give you a little +spin?" he asks. +</P> + +<P> +"Ha, ha!" pipes the mechanic all of a sudden. "That's a hot one, ain't +it?" he grins at Sampson. "Sure, old top, we'll give you a spin!" he +says, jabbin' the floor board with his feet. "That's if this boiler +will roll. Some of you guys will have to give the motor a little spin, +if you want to go away from here. She's gone cold on me again! Gimme +a cigarette, will you?" +</P> + +<P> +Alex presented him with a glance that would of froze boilin' oil. +</P> + +<P> +"Step right in, Mister Sampson," he says. "We'll run around the roads +here and—" +</P> + +<P> +"We'll do nothing of the sort!" snaps Sampson. "I've got to be at my +office by three o'clock and you can drive me down there. In that way +I'll be wasting no time and I can see what your car can do through +traffic as well as on the road." +</P> + +<P> +"Elegant!" says Alex. "Step right in." +</P> + +<P> +Runyon Q. Sampson steps right in and after gettin' a cigarette from me, +the mechanic steps on the gas. We run every bit of a hundred yards +across the lawn and then all of a sudden the Gaflooey roadster stops +deader than Columbus. The mechanic tried everything from blowin' the +horn to crawlin' underneath it again, but they was nothin' stirrin'. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," he says to Alex, finally, "there's only one way we can get away +from here now!" +</P> + +<P> +"What's that?" asks Alex, bendin' down so's Runyon Q. Sampson won't +hear it. +</P> + +<P> +"By freight!" says the mechanic. "It seems to me that one of them rear +axles has gone to work and busted on us." +</P> + +<P> +"Listen to me," says Alex. "Get us away from here right away and +there's ten dollars extry in it for you!" +</P> + +<P> +"Now you're talkin' sense!" says the mechanic. "Gimme a cigarette." +</P> + +<P> +He grabs up the tool box and hides himself under the car again, while +Runyon Q. Sampson begins to fidget around and look at his watch like it +was the first one he ever seen. +</P> + +<P> +Twenty minutes passed, folleyed by thirty more, and still this mechanic +is under the car, makin' sounds like he was fillin' a rush order for +tin pans. Alex is as nervous as a cop makin' his first pinch and our +friend Sampson begins sayin' things about the Gaflooey roadster that +would never of been used by the builders as testimonials. Finally, +Alex whispers to me will I get underneath and see what the world's +champion auto mechanic is doin' to while away the time. +</P> + +<P> +I got out and looked under and—Oh, boy! +</P> + +<P> +This bird is layin' on the ground under the car, readin' a dope book on +the races! He's got the book in one hand and a hammer in the other and +every now and then he reaches back and wallops the dirt pan, without +lookin', so's it'll sound like he's fixin' things up. +</P> + +<P> +"What seems to be the trouble?" I asks him. +</P> + +<P> +"I think Dimpled Dan is like money from home in the first race to-day," +he says, "provided they—what—what are you doin' here?" he winds up, +droppin' the book. +</P> + +<P> +"Git outa there!" I hollers. "If you're a mechanic, I'm Christopher +Columbus!" +</P> + +<P> +"What d'ye expect for seventy cents an hour—Edison?" he growls. +</P> + +<P> +Runyon Q. Sampson has took it all in and now he lets out a beller and +leaps from the car. +</P> + +<P> +"You infernal idiot!" he bawls at poor Alex. "You've made me miss my +appointment. What do you mean by taking up my time with this travesty +on an automobile? Why, the thing can't even move! If this is the way +it performs when it's fresh from your factory, what can a man expect +when it's a few weeks old?" +</P> + +<P> +"Maybe it ain't ripe enough yet," I butts in, hopin' to save the +situation. "It does look kinda young, don't it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Silence!" roars Runyon Q. "I wouldn't buy one of your cars if they +were selling at three cents a carload! That's final! Don't you dare +come up and bother me again. Get this pile of junk off my place here +just as fast as you can, or, by the eternal, I'll have you all arrested +for trespassing!" +</P> + +<P> +With them few remarks he stamps off across the lawn, bellerin' like a +bull. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, Alex," I says, "at last you have hit somethin' in little old New +York that you can't do, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"That old boob gimme a pain anyways!" remarks the mechanic. "What does +he know about machinery? Gimme a cigarette!" +</P> + +<P> +Alex sits down on the runnin' board of the Gaflooey chummy roadster and +lights a cigar. He puffs away, lookin' off in the air kinda sad and +mournful, like he had just been handed a wire readin', "Father has told +all. We are lost.—Agnes," or somethin' to that effect. Even though +he was a relative of the wife's and had spent every minute since he hit +New York confessin' to bein' a world beater, I felt sorry for him! +Runyon Q. Sampson was off the Gaflooey people for life, and Alex had +fell down on the biggest thing he'd tried yet. I knew how he must of +felt about it, so I went over and slapped him on the back. +</P> + +<P> +"Cheer up, Alex," I says. "I know that was a tough one to lose, but a +guy can't finish in front all the time! You know you ain't up in dear +old Vermont now and this town's much harder to beat than the average. +I told you that when you first come here. I knowed it was only a +question of time before you'd hit the bumps—everybody does sooner or +later in New York—and then you—" +</P> + +<P> +Alex gets up and throws away the cigar. +</P> + +<P> +"All I hope," he says. "All I hope is that the one they deliver to him +works all right!" +</P> + +<P> +"Deliver to who?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Runyon Q. Sampson!" he comes back. "I come up here to sell that +feller a Gaflooey chummy roadster and that's what I'm a goin' to dew! +I'll have his check before the end of the week. I don't know how I'm +gonna do it now, but in some way this here sale is gonna occur, you can +gamble on that! D'ye think a little thing like this can discourage me? +Why if the car had exploded and blowed us all up in the air while we +was sittin' in it, I would of sold Sampson the speedometer for a watch +before we had hit the ground again!" He turns around on the mechanic +and rolls up his sleeves. "The faster you git away from here, the +longer you'll live!" he snarls. "What art was you follerin' before you +took up automobiles?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, to be on the level with you," says the mechanic, "I was second +man in a cigar store on Twenty-third Street. I got fired because me +and the cash register could never agree on the day's receipts. I seen +an ad for a mechanic at the Gaflooey service station and I got took on +there as a helper. A feller has got to do something don't he? Gimme a +cigarette." +</P> + +<P> +Alex makes a dash for him, but I hold him back. +</P> + +<P> +"Fade!" I warns him. "You're gettin' away with murder as it is, and if +I let this bird go they's no tellin' what'll happen to you!" +</P> + +<P> +"What do I get for my mornin's work, heh?" he hollers. +</P> + +<P> +"You're gettin' immunity!" I says. "Beat it!" +</P> + +<P> +"All right!" he snarls. "I oughta knowed I'd only get the worst of it +goin' out on a job with a coupla boobs like you guys. This feller +claims he's a salesman, hey? Well, I'll lay the world eight to five he +couldn't sell ice cream sodas in Hades! Gimme a ciga—" +</P> + +<P> +Alex throws the tool box at him, and he blows. +</P> + +<P> +While we're standin' there tryin' to figure out some way to get this +chummy roadster to make good, a guy steps out from behind a hedge and +joins our little party. He had just about passed the votin' age and he +wore a raincoat with one of them cute little belts around it, a +dare-devil soft hat and carried a suitcase. His feet dragged like they +wasn't used to such heavy exercise as walkin' and he steps in front of +us with a cigarette droopin' outa the corner of his mouth. +</P> + +<P> +"Pardon me," he yawns. "Are you having some difficulty with the car?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, fluently!" I says. "You must be a fortune teller. Some +difficulty is right! We been attemptin' to get away from here all +mornin' and it's the same as makin' the Russians think the Czar was a +good feller—there's nothin' doin'. I don't think the motor is tryin' +and—" +</P> + +<P> +He sets down the suitcase and yawns some more. +</P> + +<P> +"I know something about autos," he says. "Have a couple of my own and +occasionally I have to fuss around 'em a bit. Do you mind if I look at +the motor?" +</P> + +<P> +"We'd just love it!" I says. "Go to it." +</P> + +<P> +He opens the hood, yawns a coupla times and monkeys around for a minute. +</P> + +<P> +"Try her now," he says. +</P> + +<P> +Alex gets in and pushes a button with his foot. +</P> + +<P> +I don't know what this handsome stranger did, but whatever else it was, +it was a success, because the motor immediately begins to tear holes in +the peace and quiet of the surroundin' country. +</P> + +<P> +"She'll be all right as soon as she warms up now," says our savior. +"The gas was disconnected—coupling jolted off evidently—and one of +the cylinders was missing. Must have given you trouble on hills, +what?" he yawns some more. "Nice little bus," he says, "and, now, I +wonder if you'd do a favor for me?" +</P> + +<P> +"I only got four bucks on me," I says, "but you're welcome to that if +you can use it." +</P> + +<P> +He grins. +</P> + +<P> +"It isn't money," he says. "It's something more important than that." +</P> + +<P> +"Fudge!" says Alex. "There ain't no sich thing in this town!" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes there is!" says the newcomer, steppin' back to a hedge, "and here +it is!" +</P> + +<P> +With that, out steps the Venus de Milo wearin' both arms and a set of +scenery that must of enabled some Fifth Avenue store to move over to +Easy Street. She looked like what the press agents claim is in the +chorus of every musical comedy that hits Broadway and she's wearin' +enough diamonds to have keep the Alleys in tooth powder. After I had +got over bein' dazzled by the first look, I give her the East and West +again and recognize her. She's nothin' less than Margot Meringue, the +big movie star. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm Arnold Sampson," says the young feller, "and this is Mrs. Arnold +Sampson. My wife was formerly—" +</P> + +<P> +"I know," I butts in, "I seen her the week before last with the missus +in Marvelous Margot's Mistake. She was vampirin' around and—" +</P> + +<P> +"How did you like me?" smiles Margot. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I says, "we seen the pitcher three times runnin'—is that good +enough?" +</P> + +<P> +"We have just been married," goes on Arnold, throwin' out what chest he +had with him. +</P> + +<P> +"Congratulations!" pipes Alex, shakin' his hand. +</P> + +<P> +"Pretty soft!" I says, doin' the same. +</P> + +<P> +"I saw you and father in the car here," explains Arnold, "and as you +appear to be friends of his, I wonder if you'd come up to the house +with us? Father is less liable to make a scene, if there is some one +else present. You see, he doesn't know that we're married as yet." +</P> + +<P> +Alex suddenly looks interested and nudges me to keep quiet. +</P> + +<P> +"I can see the whole thing in a nutshell," he says. "Your father +objects to you—oh—now—marryin' an actress, heh?" +</P> + +<P> +"No," yawns Arnold. "In this case the traditional is reversed. My +father objects to the actress marrying me!" he bows to Margot. "He is +personally quite fond of my wife and his objection is based solely upon +his own unflattering opinion of me. He declares I'll never be able to +support Mrs. Sampson in the manner she is accustomed to living, as her +income is something like fifty thousand a year. Father allows me a +bare five thousand and he refuses to increase it until I go to work in +his office, or something equally as silly. Can you imagine anything +more idiotic than that? Dad is worth millions and he expects me to +work!" +</P> + +<P> +"What an inhuman parent!" says Alex. "What have you got against work?" +</P> + +<P> +"My dear fellow," says Arnold, "I don't really know. I don't seem able +to get enthusiastic about it—that's all. I wouldn't mind going down +to Dad's office and toying with an adding machine or driving nails in +packing cases, but I'm sure I'd fall asleep on the job, or something +idiotic like that! You might say I lack the urge," he yawns and grins. +"I guess I wasn't built to hustle. I haven't got the pep, as we used +to say at—" +</P> + +<P> +"Listen!" butts in Alex, his eyes beginnin' to glitter. "You was built +the same as anybody else, only thinner. I know what's the matter with +you—c'mere, I'll show you!" He takes Arnold by the arm and leads him +over to the Gaflooey chummy roadster. "D'ye see that automobile +there?" he says. "Look at it. What is it—nothin' but a pile of metal +and wood! It can't talk, it can't think—but it's got a little button +down there in the dash and when you push it, that car will keep on +runnin' till the gasoline gives out or it hits a tree! That button's +called a self-commencer and that's what you need! Ain't there no +buttons up in your head that you can push and get yourself goin'? Is +that pile of metal better than you? You can go down now and take a job +where you won't get your hands dirty, but if your Dad hadn't been a +self-starter fifty years ago, <I>you'd</I> be callin' a Wop foreman 'Boss' +to-day and likin' it!" +</P> + +<P> +Arnold stops yawnin' and looks interested, where he don't look mad. +Margot nods her head and puts her hand on his arm. +</P> + +<P> +"Arnold dear," she says, "he's right! It's time you did try to do +something, especially now. I don't want to lecture you, dear, but—" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know whether he's right or not," says Arnold, "but I do know +that extraordinary speech of his has me thinking. Also, it sounded +great to me and there's no reason why it shouldn't sound just as great +to Dad! He loves that sort of thing and I'm going up and repeat it, +word for word! I'm going to tell him we're married and that I'll start +to work for him whenever he likes. I can try it, anyhow!" +</P> + +<P> +Margot looks at Alex like she would kiss him if it wasn't for the looks +of the thing, and Alex whispers in my ear that the Gaflooey roadster is +as good as sold. We all got in it—it was runnin' like a watch +now—and roll up to the house. The newly-weds goes inside, while me +and Alex stays out on the porch, and in about half an hour they come +out again, bringin' old Runyon Q. Sampson with 'em. The old gent walks +over to Alex and holds out his hand. +</P> + +<P> +"My boy," he says, "I want to thank you for what you've done to this +cub of mine. I don't know what you told him, but he's a different +person from the time I saw him last. He sounds like a real man, now! +I'm going to do something for you in return. I won't buy one of these +infernal cars of yours, wouldn't have it for a gift! But, if you'll +tell me what your commission on the sale would have amounted to, I'll +write you a check for that figure." +</P> + +<P> +Margot looks at Alex, and then she looks at the car. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, I think its a perfect dear!" she says, "and those colors real +harmony itself!" +</P> + +<P> +Alex bounces forward, his eyes glitterin' again. +</P> + +<P> +"We were thinkin' of callin' this model the Margot Meringue," he says, +"and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Come, come!" interrupts old Runyon Q., "let's straighten this matter +up." He takes out his check book and fountain pen. "I want to take +you children down to Tiffany's and have Margot pick out a suitable +wedding gift. We have—" +</P> + +<P> +"May I have anything I want?" asks Margot, kinda innocent. +</P> + +<P> +"Of course you can!" beams the old boy, pinchin' her cheek. +</P> + +<P> +"Then buy me a Gaflooey chummy roadster!" she says. "I think this one +is a perfect love of a car!" +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy! +</P> + +<P> +Alex tries to look unconcerned, but he couldn't help droppin' his hat. +The old man coughs and gets red in the face, but he was game. +</P> + +<P> +"All right!" he snorts at Alex. "You win. You can say you're the only +man that ever got the best of Runyon Q. Sampson! What's the amount?" +</P> + +<P> +I went into the office of the Gaflooey Company with Alex when he went +back and the president is waitin' for him with blood in his eye. +</P> + +<P> +"You needn't begin your excuses!" he says to Alex. "The mechanic has +told me how you made a mess of everything and Sampson refused to buy +the car. I didn't think they made any ten-thousand-a-year-men up in +Vermont when I hired you, but I took a chance. New York's too big for +you fellows; I guess you were only a flash in the pan! Just think what +it would have meant had you sold the car to old Sampson! Why, the +advertising alone would—" +</P> + +<P> +"I guess you're right about me bein' a flash in the pan," butts in +Alex, "but I found another pan! I don't know whether this is any good +for advertisin' or not, but I sold that chummy roadster to Sampson and +he has give it to his daughter-in-law for a weddin' gift." +</P> + +<P> +The president jumps from his chair, very light for a man of his heft. +</P> + +<P> +"Great!" he hollers, "great!" He looks at Sampson's check which Alex +hands over. "I knew you'd do it! I saw you had the stuff in you the +minute you first walked in this office. That's the place to get first +string men—right from the country, and Vermont has furnished more than +her share. They told me you'd fall down because New York was too big +for you, but I knew different. They can't fool me when it comes to +judging men! I'll get our advertising men right to work on this copy, +and we'll hit the morning papers with it. This is great! Now if +Sampson's daughter-in-law was only in the public eye, know what I mean, +this would be wonderful! We've had a man after Margot Meringue for a +month, but she's away somewhere. You probably won't know her; she's a +big movie star and we'd <I>give</I> her a car if she'd only endorse it. +Why, if we landed her—" +</P> + +<P> +"That's who Sampson give the car to," says Alex. "His son and her just +got wed and he give her the Gaflooey roadster for a weddin' gift. How +about that New York manager job—do I get it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Do you get it!" shrieks the president. "Why, say—you're <I>it</I>, right +now!" +</P> + +<P> +"That's fine!" says Alex. "I'll take the job the day after to-morrow!" +</P> + +<P> +"I see!" says the president, breakin' his neck tryin' to make himself a +good fellah. "You want a day off after your labors, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"No!" says Alex, "I got to go out and see Sampson again to-morrow, +because havin' give this roadster to his daughter-in-law, naturally +he'll need one for hisself now!" +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap03"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER III +</H3> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +PLAY YOUR ACE! +</H4> + +<P> +This here combination that opens the door to success is a funny +thing—everybody's lookin' for it and everybody's got it! Some guys +knows just where to put their hands on it when they get the big chance +to crack the safe of fame and as a result they become boss bankers or +boss bricklayers—either of which is a trick and hard to do. Other +guys forget the first three numbers or somethin' and never get better +than John Smiths in the telephone book of life. +</P> + +<P> +It takes speed to get a baseball from the pitcher to the catcher, but +it's <I>control</I> that puts the pill over the plate, which may be the +answer to why John D. Rockefeller ain't payin' <I>you</I> rent and you got +your first time to be elected president of anything, from the dear old +U. S. A. to the Red Carnation Social Club. Instead of sittin' around +knockin' winners every time the papers print a new one, give yourself +the once over and see if you can find out what <I>your</I> trick is. You +may only be able to wiggle your left ear funnier than anybody on the +block—Great! <I>Cash on it</I>! It's a cinch you can do <I>somethin',</I> and +once you find out what that somethin' is, the rest is as easy as +fallin' off Pike's Peak! +</P> + +<P> +No—easier! Because you gotta climb Pike's Peak before you can fall +off. You may be a guy like Hector Sells, which started life with a +straight flush, and played it like it was a pair of deuces. If +somebody hadn't peeped over his shoulder, seen what he held and played +it for him, Hector would still be thinkin' that the only guy in the +world drawin' over twenty bucks a week was J. P. Morgan. As it is, +Hector has $2.75 right now for every wave in the ocean, and when you go +to see him, you become acquainted with all the office boys in the world. +</P> + +<P> +Here's the answer. +</P> + +<P> +One night after dinner the wife and I are provin' to each other that +the road of true love is rough and full of detours, when they's a ring +at the bell. We practised self-denial and laid off scrappin' long +enough for friend wife to open the door. I made a bet with myself and +win easy. In comes Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Huh!" he says. "Is they an argument goin' on here again?" +</P> + +<P> +"You said it!" I tells him. "Come on in, you're just in time. We'll +make it three-handed!" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know why you got married when you're always quarrelin'," he +says, sittin' down. +</P> + +<P> +"That ain't all you don't know!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Kindly lay off my cousin," says the wife. "They ain't no use in +showin' the world that I have married a brute!" +</P> + +<P> +With that she presses four dollars' worth of Irish lace against her +eyes and develops a cold in the head. So the same as usual, I went +over and patted her on the shoulder which was shakin' the most. +</P> + +<P> +"You win, honey!" I says, with a dollar's worth of vaseline on every +word. "I'll never speak another harsh word to you or Alex again. The +next time I feel sarcastic, I'll go out in the kitchen and have some +words with the cat. Everybody in the apartment house knows what I +think of <I>you</I>, and I must be <I>wild</I> over Alex or he'd never be in this +flat a second time. If—" +</P> + +<P> +"Never mind the salve!" cuts in the wife. "You'd talk your way out of +pneumonia!" +</P> + +<P> +But they was a smile went with that—the same giggle that used to make +'em fight for standin' room in the Winter Garden. So we was all happy +and carefree again, with the exception of Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"You're too easy with him!" he growls to the wife, disappointed because +peace had come. "If you'd punish him, he'd be a better husband." +</P> + +<P> +"She does punish me somethin' cruel!" I says. "By invitin' <I>you</I> up +every day!" +</P> + +<P> +And then of course all bets was off and we all went over the top again! +</P> + +<P> +In about an hour, the people in the next flat had enough, and mentioned +the fact to the landlord. He let us in on it by way of the phone, and +all was quiet along the Hudson again. +</P> + +<P> +"I come up here to-night to tell you somethin'," says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"They's always the United States mail," I says. +</P> + +<P> +"I ain't talkin' to you, I'm speakin' to Cousin Alice!" snarls Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"She can read too!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"I been thinkin' this here thing over for weeks," he goes on, turnin' +his chair so's I can get a good view of his back, "and I made up my +mind to-day to go ahead with it." +</P> + +<P> +"What is it, Alex?" asks the wife, all excited. "I know it's goin' to +be somethin' wonderful!" +</P> + +<P> +"You ain't gonna tell me you're gonna stop eatin' here, are you?" I +says. "Because if you are, I'm gonna beat it! I heard tell of guys +dyin' of joy and I ain't takin' no chances!" +</P> + +<P> +"The whole trouble with you," says Alex, "is a simple case of jealousy. +You was born and brung up in this rube burg called New York and the +best you could do in thirty-five years was to get yourself foreman of a +baseball team! I—" +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh!" I butts in. "I fell down the same as Caruso. All he can do is +sing!" +</P> + +<P> +"I come here from Vermont," goes on Alex, now on his favorite subject, +"and right off the reel I get me a ten thousand a year job, not +countin' commissions, sellin' autos. Now I claim that what <I>I</I> did in +New York can be done by anybody—and I'm here to prove it! It's just +as easy to be a roarin' success in New York as it is in Paterson, N. +J.—and just as hard! There's many a Charlie Chaplin sellin' groceries +and many a Theodore Roosevelt carryin' bricks! In their off hours and +in the privacy of their homes, them fellers is doin' for <I>nothin'</I>, +what Chaplin, Roosevelt, Dempsey and so forth got <I>paid off</I> on! If a +man's a gambler, for instance, and he bets on a race horse, the chances +are he stays up all night lookin' up the past performances of that +horse and seein' just what he can do under all conditions. He studies +how the horse finished on a muddy track and where he come in when the +track was fast. He makes note of what the horse did under different +weights and different jockeys. He watches what it does against certain +other horses. Then when he thinks everything is favorable, he bets his +money! He—" +</P> + +<P> +"Look here, Alex!" I butts in. "Did you come all the way up here +to-night to lay me on a horse race?" +</P> + +<P> +"No!" he snorts, in disgust, "I come up here to lay you on <I>yourself</I>! +If this same man that studies the dope before he bets on a horse, would +study the dope on <I>himself</I> with the same attention to detail, before +he enters the handicap of life—he'd be a winner! He wouldn't have to +bet on no horses or nothin' else, because he'd be his own best bet! +He'd find out what his particular ace was and play it to the limit +every time! Instead of that, the average feller spends his time +sittin' in the greatest game in the world—life—drawin' five cards +every time and waitin' for the royal flush to be dealt him pat. He—" +</P> + +<P> +"My goodness, Alex!" remarks the wife, "I didn't know you was a +gambler. Where did you learn all those poker terms?" +</P> + +<P> +"He once claimed casino was vicious, too!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +Alex gets up and reaches for his hat. +</P> + +<P> +"There ain't no use talkin' to people which has checked their brains +with the hat boy!" he says. "But before I go, I wanna tell you this. +Every man has got the key to his own success buried in him somewhere, +and I'll bet I can take the champion dub of any given precinct and make +him a winner the minute I find out where he hid <I>his</I>!" +</P> + +<P> +"Let's go to the movies, instead of fightin' like cats and dogs," +remarks the wife, puttin' on her handbag. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes!" sneers Alex, "let's go to the movies and knock the leadin' man +because he's gettin' $30,000 a year, and let's explain to each other +how he's gettin' away with murder and ain't got a thing but his looks. +That's much better than sittin' down and figurin' how we can make the +same amount of money, if we—" +</P> + +<P> +"Look here, Alex!" I interrupts, gettin' a trifle peeved. "You took me +for eight hundred berries when you first invaded New York and, sucker +like, I'm lookin' for a come-back. Are you on the level with that +stuff about you bein' able to put <I>anybody</I> over if you get in their +corner?" +</P> + +<P> +"Am I on the level with it?" he says. "Why, say!—I'm goin' in the +<I>business</I> of makin' successes outa dubs! I'm gonna take 'em one by +one, put 'em over and charge a reasonable percentage for my work. I'm +sick and tired of the automobile game and I'm gonna incorporate myself +as Alex Hanley, S. D." +</P> + +<P> +"What's the S. D. for?" I asks. "South Dakota?" +</P> + +<P> +"No—Success Developer!" he says. "I ain't selfish—I put myself over +and now I'm gonna put 'em <I>all</I> over! At the same time, as I say, I'll +charge a reasonable sum for my work. Why this is bigger business than +Wall Street, makin' men instead of breakin' 'em and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Stop talkin' for a second, Alex," I says, "and get a new sensation! I +got an idea of what that reasonable charge of yours will be, that's +provided your scheme works, which it prob'ly won't. If you cause a guy +to make himself twenty dollars, your fee won't exceed a hundred and +fifty! You're as liberal with money as Grant's Tomb is with advice. +But if you're on the level with this, I'll bet you a thousand bucks, +American money, to five hundred of the same coinage, that you'll flop +like a seal on your first try. They's only one thing you gotta do!" +</P> + +<P> +"What is it?" he asks. He was thinkin' of them thousand bucks and his +eyes sparkled till you could of hocked 'em anywheres for five hundred +apiece. +</P> + +<P> +"You gotta let <I>me</I> pick the first victim!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Not to change the subject," remarks the wife to me, "if you got a +thousand dollars for purposes of bettin', they's a ring in Tiffany's +window which will come here to-morrow escorted by a C.O.D. bill. The +price and one thousand dollars is the same." +</P> + +<P> +"Do you think I print this money myself?" I hollers. +</P> + +<P> +"I would of married you long ago if I did!" she says, smilin' sweetly. +</P> + +<P> +"Think of a man mean enough to argue about money with his lovin' wife!" +sneers Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"If <I>you</I> was married," I says, "your wife would think they had stopped +the circulation of all money, with the exception of nickels!" +</P> + +<P> +"Ha! Ha!" he sneers, like a movie villain. "I just give Eve Rossiter +an engagement ring that can be <I>pawned</I> for eight hundred men!" +</P> + +<P> +"I think you're four flushin'," I hollers, gettin' warmed up, "but you +can't hang nothin' on me! You go down to Tiffany's, honey," I tells +the wife, "and get that thousand buck ring—but put up a battle for it +at $750!" +</P> + +<P> +The wife pulls her million-dollar smile and gimme a chaste salute, as +the guy says, on the forehead. Then she opens her sea-goin' handbag +and takes somethin' out. +</P> + +<P> +"Here it is, dear!" she says, with the giggle that made me a married +man, "I knowed you'd fall, so I got it this morning! It was only $987. +Ain't I the great little buyer?" +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy! +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I says to Alex, "it seems to be the open season for takin' me. +Does that bet go?" +</P> + +<P> +"It does!" he says, rubbin' his hands together like a crap shooter. +</P> + +<P> +"And I produce the first candidate for fame and fortune?" +</P> + +<P> +"Bring him on!" he grins, winkin' at the wife—a thing he knows I +loathe. +</P> + +<P> +We shook hands on it and I went out into the kitchen to laugh it over +with the cat. I'm a soft-hearted boob and I hate to take a sucker, at +that. But accordin' to my dope, that dough of friend Alex's was the +same as in the bank in my name! +</P> + +<P> +Now the bird I had in mind to make me win this bet from Alex was a +pitcher I had on the payroll who's name was Hector Sells. He would of +been just as rotten a ball player if his name had been First Base, +Center Field or Short Stop. He could do everything in the world with a +baseball, with the slight exception of gettin' it over the plate, and, +when he pitched, his main difficulty was keepin' the pill outa left +field. In the seven years he had been stealin' wages from my club his +twirlin' percentage read like the thermometer in Alaska and when he +come to bat, as far as he ever found out, first base was in Berlin. I +put him on the third base coachin' line one afternoon and he tries to +send a runner back to second when the batter triples. I tried this guy +out at every position on the team and he made so many errors that the +official scorers went out and bought addin' machines every time he +appeared in the line-up. If they was anything on earth connected with +the game of baseball that Hector could do, he never showed it to me, +and puttin' a uneyform on him was the same as givin' a blind man a pair +of opera glasses. +</P> + +<P> +Yet with all this, that guy thought he was the greatest baseball player +that ever laid hold of a glove. He not only thought it, he <I>conceded</I> +it. +</P> + +<P> +For the past year, Hector had played out the schedule from the dugout, +with the exception of six games he pitched against the Athletics. He +lost an even six. I sent him to every flag station in North America +where they looked on baseball as a game, and Hector would come back at +the end of the season with his suit case jammed full of unconditional +releases. Him and pneumonia was just as easy to get rid of as far as I +was concerned and we started off every season with Hector in our midst. +</P> + +<P> +Three winters in succession I loaned that guy enough dough to set +himself up in business, so's he'd lay off me and watch the pastime from +the grandstand. He lost a cigar store shootin' craps, a pool room +bettin' with the customers and a delicatessen because he eat all the +stock himself. I got him a job on the road sellin' sportin' goods, and +the only thing he sold all year was a pitcher's glove at $1.25. He +bought that himself. +</P> + +<P> +Now the thing is—why did I keep a guy like that on my club for the +lengthy space of seven years? The newspaper birds claimed Hector had +seen me murder somebody or somethin', because they says I wouldn't let +him in a ball park with a ticket, if he didn't have <I>somethin'</I> on me +that must be kept from the world at any price. Well, it wasn't nothin' +like that—but it was somethin' just as good, as the grocer says. Me +and Hector was kids together in the same ward, and when we started out +to dumfound the world, he had a bankroll which his beloved father left +him and I had nothin' but freckles. I practically lived off that guy +till me and real money became well acquainted, so I couldn't see him +get the worst of it now. It would of broke his heart if he ever got +shoved outa organized baseball—he was a maniac about the game! So +Hector drawed his dough every season, come what may—and at that I was +doin' no more than he did for me. +</P> + +<P> +I managed to keep him busy in some way about the park—always with a +uneyform on—and now and then I let him pitch an innin' when we had the +game locked away in the safe deposit vault. In all the seven years, he +never missed a single day showin' up at the park and he was the +rottenest ball player that ever stood under a shower. Them was +Hector's two records! +</P> + +<P> +Well, I dragged Alex out to the ball park the next day and pointed out +Hector to him. We was playin' St. Looey and along around the sixth +innin' we had the game sewed up so tight that they couldn't of won it +in a raffle. I took out Harmon and sent Hector in to pitch. +</P> + +<P> +"Gaze over this bird carefully, Alex!" I says, "because he's the baby +you're gonna pay off on! I claim you are now peerin' at the champion +dub of the world. If you can make a winner outa him or discover what +he has failed to develop that would make him one, I'll not only pay my +end of our bet with a grin, but I'll throw in a weddin' chest of silver +for you and Eve Rossiter!" +</P> + +<P> +"Write that down!" says Alex; "and sign your full name to it!" +</P> + +<P> +"You don't think I'd welsh on you, do you?" I says, gettin' sore. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't know if they's enough ink in this or not," he answers, handin' +me a fountain pen. "Write it on the back of this card." +</P> + +<P> +When the crowd sees Hector strollin' out to the box, they give him his +usual reception, which was the same as the Kaiser would have got if +he'd walked down Broadway along in April, 1917. The first guy up for +St. Looey hit a roller through the box and Hector stood on his left +shoulder tryin' to pick it up. The runner only got as far as second +before Hector arose. The next guy put a neat round hole in the right +field fence, makin' it two runs. Well, before it was three out they +had got four more and the only guy connected with the St. Looey team +that didn't get a hit was the owner. They only quit slammin' the pill +because they had batted themselves sick and could no longer stagger up +to the plate. +</P> + +<P> +Hector comes to bat in the next innin' with the bases as full as a +miner on pay night. He lets two go by, right in the slot, and he fell +down skinnin' his nose, swingin' at the next for the third and last +strike. +</P> + +<P> +I removed him by hand and sent in a ball player to pitch the rest of +the game. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, Alex," I says on the way home, "what do you think of your +patient?" +</P> + +<P> +"Is he as bad as that every day?" he asks me. +</P> + +<P> +"No," I says. "He was Ty Cobb and Walter Johnson to-day, alongside of +what he usually is!" +</P> + +<P> +"Hmmph!" grunts Alex. "I can see he ain't a ball player, anyway." +</P> + +<P> +"You been readin' 'Sherlock Holmes,'" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Baseball ain't everything!" declares Alex, rubbin' his nose. "And the +point we have to consider is—what <I>can</I> he do?" +</P> + +<P> +"That's easy!" I says. "How much is seven from seven?" +</P> + +<P> +"Why—nothin'," says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"That's Hector!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +With that I told him Hector's pedigree from the time he crossed my path +when an infant, to date. I left out nothin' and laid it on good and +thick. I explained how Hector had been the world's most consistent +failure from the time he had been introduced as "It's a boy!" up to the +time of writin' and when I got all through, Alex grins like a wolf. +</P> + +<P> +"A most promisin' case!" he says. "This here's somethin' that's gonna +put me on my mettle, right at the start. The tougher a thing looks, +the more appetizin' it strikes me! Now I'll take it for granted that +this man's got no <I>strong</I> points. All right—that's nothin' but a +detail! You've told me a lot of hard things about him, but you ain't +said he ain't human—and if he's human he's got a <I>weakness</I>! A +well-developed weakness in a man has often been turned into glitterin' +gold. Does he drink?" +</P> + +<P> +"Let's save time," I says. "Hector don't know whether whiskey and beer +is drinks, or the battery for to-day's game. He couldn't tell you +offhand whether tobacco was a thing to chew and smoke or the latest fox +trot. The only woman he ever met twice was his mother, and he thinks +sayin' 'Darnation!' in earnest is the same as homocide. His only love +is baseball and his only weakness is his stomach!" +</P> + +<P> +"Aha!" says Alex. "I knew we'd get at it! He's fond of food, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"Fond of it?" I says. "Why, this guy can do more things with a steak +than Edison can do with a pint of electricity! He took me to a dinner +he cooked himself one night and the only thing I recognized on the +table was the water. Everything was fixed up after his own recipes and +at the drop of a hat he can tell you how many of them calories and +proteins they is in a pea!" +</P> + +<P> +"That's enough!" hollers Alex. "He's as good as over right now! He +simply picked the wrong trade when he took up baseball, and I'll get +him a job as chef in one of the famous hotels so—" +</P> + +<P> +"Don't make me laugh!" I cuts him off. "Would I of bet you, if it was +as easy as that? They ain't a chance on earth—I thought of that years +ago. Hector wouldn't boil water for money—he only cooks that stuff up +for himself. He—" +</P> + +<P> +"A true artist, eh?" says Alex, kinda thoughtful. "That makes it all +the better! Bring him up for dinner to-morrow night and let me study +him. In a week I'll collect that little bet from you and then I'll be +ready to take on the next case." +</P> + +<P> +"You certainly stand well with yourself, don't you?" I sneers. "Well, +lemme give you a little tip. Don't try to get that bird to give up +baseball, because they ain't a Chinaman's chance of that! The only +chance you got is to put him over as a ball player, and if <I>you</I> can do +<I>that</I>, I can sell electric fans to the Esquimaux!" +</P> + +<P> +"Bring him up to-morrow night," says Alex, grinnin' like a wolf. "This +looks like a cinch to me!" +</P> + +<P> +I went to Hector in the clubhouse the next afternoon. He had had a +hard day playin' the White Sox—from the bench. +</P> + +<P> +"Where are you goin' to-night?" I asks him. +</P> + +<P> +He flushes up a bit. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, Mac," he says, "I have finally found a joint where they know how +to cook 'em without abusin' 'em and I was figurin' on goin' there +first, so—" +</P> + +<P> +"Cook what?" I butts in. +</P> + +<P> +"Alligator pears!" he says. "Y'know they is a lot of nourishment in +them babies when they're properly prepared and—" +</P> + +<P> +"You'll be around at that beanery <I>to-morrow</I> night!" I shuts him off. +"To-night you're comin' up and have dinner with me." +</P> + +<P> +He gets one shade redder. +</P> + +<P> +"Why," he stammers, "Ahumph! That—er—that's terrible fine of you, +Mac, but on the level, I—y'know this place is the only one in New York +where they can cook them things and I'm a hound after them! I—" +</P> + +<P> +"Come on!" I says. "We're gonna give the subway a play. The wife's +expectin' you and I got a friend that's crazy to meet you. Are you +gonna throw me down?" +</P> + +<P> +He backs away and ruffles his hair. +</P> + +<P> +"Mac," he says, "I'll have dinner with you to-night on one condition!" +</P> + +<P> +"Shoot!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, Mac," he tells me, "they ain't no doubt in my mind that your +wife is some cook, but if I'm gonna eat this stuff—I—well, I demand +the privilege of cookin' it!" +</P> + +<P> +"Where d'ye get that stuff?" I says. "Why—" +</P> + +<P> +"Lemme do this, Mac," he says, "and you'll never regret it. I can hang +it on any chef in New York for money and you'll eat the greatest meal +you ever got outside of in your life!" +</P> + +<P> +Well, this was new stuff to me, but I figured I was gonna get five +hundred bucks outa it by way of Alex, so I fell. +</P> + +<P> +"All right!" I says. "Come up and cook your head off. I'm game! But +if you're as good a cook as you are a ball player, I can see where me +and the wife suspends friendly relations for about a year!" +</P> + +<P> +Alex is already on hand when we get to the house and I introduced him +to Hector. +</P> + +<P> +"Howdy!" he says. "I seen you pitch the other day and I must say it +was a treat! The support they give you was brutal or you'd of shut +them other fellers out with ease." +</P> + +<P> +"You know it!" says Hector. "If they's any one thing I can do, it's +play baseball. That's my dish!" +</P> + +<P> +The wife horns in. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm so glad to meet you, Mister Sells," she says, givin' Hector the +old oil. "My husband talks of nothin' but you night and day!" +</P> + +<P> +Which was true—only not the way she meant it. +</P> + +<P> +"That's fine!" says Hector. "Me and Mac has been friends since they +burnt Rome. Where's the kitchen?" +</P> + +<P> +I showed him, and the wife shakes her head as much as to say, "Another +rummy, eh?" I steered Hector over to the ice box and told him to go +ahead and run wild. When I come out, Alex is featurin' his famous +grin, and I gotta show the wife my breath. In about ten minutes the +kitchen door opens and Hector's head pops out. His hands is full of +flour and so's his suit for that matter, but his face is all lit up +like Coney Island. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't wanna be no bother, Mrs. Mac," he pipes, "but could a man get +a apron around here?" +</P> + +<P> +We got him inside of some gingham, and he disappeared into the kitchen +again. +</P> + +<P> +"Where d'ye get them birds?" says the wife, noddin' after him. +</P> + +<P> +"Sssh!" says Alex. "That feller there is gonna make us all rich before +the month is over! We'll have more money than we can count and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, won't that be grand!" says the wife, who'd believe Alex if he told +her Missouri started the war. "Then I can have everything I want." +</P> + +<P> +"I thought <I>that</I> happened when you got <I>me</I>," I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Still," she sighs, payin' me no attention as usual, "money ain't +everything." +</P> + +<P> +"No," says Alex, "but it'll get it!" +</P> + +<P> +"We always was used to money," goes on the wife, gettin' kinda doped +under the influence of the sweet and savory odors which was comin' from +the kitchen. "You know, Alex, that our family was connected with the +best people in Vermont." +</P> + +<P> +"They ain't got a thing on a telephone operator," I says. "They get +connected with the best people in the United States every day!" +</P> + +<P> +I don't get a tumble from either of them. +</P> + +<P> +"There was Great-uncle Ed," proceeds the wife, kinda dreamy. "If he +hadn't died so sudden, he'd of been worth a million." +</P> + +<P> +I tried my luck again. +</P> + +<P> +"That's the one that turned out to be a carbolic acid fiend, ain't it?" +I says. +</P> + +<P> +At this point, the greatest meal that ever played a date at our flat, +come outa the kitchen escorted by Hector. One whiff of that layout and +the greatest chef in the world would of gone out and bought a revolver. +Hector is nothin' but smiles. +</P> + +<P> +"Give this a whirl!" he says. "And lemme know what you think of it. I +didn't have much to work with—only lamb chops, vegetables and the +like, but I did what I could." +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy!—that was <I>some</I> feed! Conversation lagged a bit for about +half a hour, while we fell to and demolished this stuff, and Hector +swells up like a human yeast cake under the kind words that come his +way. Finally, we had to quit eatin' for lack of further accommodations +and the wife tells Hector that they ain't no doubt about it, as a cook +he wins the garage. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, that's nothin'," he says; gettin' an attack of modesty. "I'm +kinda fussy about my food and I been figurin' out different ways of +cookin' up stuff to get the best outa it, for years. That's the only +amusement I got. I ain't so much as a cook, but you oughta see me play +ball, heh, Mac?" +</P> + +<P> +The old glitter comes into Alex's eyes. +</P> + +<P> +"I seen you play ball, Mister Sells," he says, "and you are a knockout! +But what you just said about food interests me more. I'm kinda odd +regardin' vittles myself and what I seen in the paper to-day has got me +worried sick." +</P> + +<P> +"What was that?" says Hector. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Alex, "there's gonna be a fearful shortage of all kinds of +meats and vegetables, because all the available food in the U. S. is +about to be seized for the army. This time next year we'll all prob'ly +be livin' on bread and water and lucky to get it!" +</P> + +<P> +Hector gets as white as precipitated chalk. +</P> + +<P> +"You don't mean it!" he gasps, gettin' half outa his chair. +</P> + +<P> +"It's a fact," says Alex. "I was only readin' it this mornin'." +</P> + +<P> +I thought Hector was gonna fall dead at our feet. +</P> + +<P> +"But—but what am <I>I</I> gonna do?" he says, kinda dazed. +</P> + +<P> +"What are <I>you</I> gonna do?" I sneers. "What are we <I>all</I> gonna do?" +</P> + +<P> +"You don't get me!" he says. "It's all well enough for you guys which +can eat common ordinary food like ham and eggs and steaks and chops, +but I can't <I>go</I> that stuff! All the time I ain't out at the ball park +I'm experimentin' with different kinds of stuff to eat, and if they go +to work and shut off all them rare vegetables and so forth on me—well, +I don't eat, that's all!" +</P> + +<P> +He gets up and reaches for his hat. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Alex, "I can see that you and me is pretty much alike. I +can't eat porterhouse steaks and French lamb chops as a steady diet, +either! My stomach craves them rare dishes the same as yours does, and +it sure looks like you and me is gonna starve to death when this food +conservation thing goes through!" +</P> + +<P> +Hector slaps his hands together and squares his jaw. +</P> + +<P> +"<I>I</I> ain't gonna starve!" he says. "They has got to be 1,500 calories +and a amount of proteins in proportion go into my system every day. +Not only that, its gotta be in a tasty form! I'm gonna go home and +figure this thing out so's I'll be took care of when the government +grabs off all the food supplies. They must be somethin' a man can do! +Good night, folks—and thanks for the use of the kitchen." +</P> + +<P> +With that he blows. +</P> + +<P> +"I think he's a nut!" remarks the wife, when the hall door bangs. +</P> + +<P> +"Leave him be!" says Alex, rubbin' his hands together, a habit that +gets my goat. "I got him started now and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Say!" I says. "I didn't see nothin' in no paper about the government +gonna seize all the eats. I think you was kiddin' Hector, myself!" +</P> + +<P> +"You didn't see the Civil War, either, did you?" says Alex. "I suppose +you don't believe that, eh? I told you I was gonna put this feller +over and if you'll leave me be, I will! I told you every man had an +ace buried somewhere, didn't I? Well, Hector's ace is his mad +infatuation for his stomach. He's never played it yet, because there's +been no reason to do so. As long as he had the money, he could buy the +stuff and hash it up in any way his peculiar tastes desired. Once he +thinks he <I>can't</I> do that, he'll put all he's got under his hat into +findin' a way to get all them proteins and calories he wants. I've +given him somethin' he never had before—an incentive—and—" +</P> + +<P> +"What do you figure Hector's gonna do to startle the world?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Search me!" says Alex, grinnin', "but we'll all get paid off on +whatever it is, you can gamble on that!" +</P> + +<P> +The wife sniffs. +</P> + +<P> +"I never heard tell of no man that couldn't eat porterhouse steaks!" +she says. +</P> + +<P> +"I seen a lot of them to-day," says Alex, puttin' on his coat. +</P> + +<P> +"Where?" asks the wife. +</P> + +<P> +"I was passin' the Evergreen Cemetery!" says Alex. "Good night, all!" +</P> + +<P> +The next day, Hector comes to me before the game and you never seen +such a change in a guy in your life! He looked like he hadn't slept a +wink since they buried Washington and he's as nervous as a steam drill. +</P> + +<P> +"Mac," he says, "I wanna ask two favors off of you, the first I asked +in a long while." +</P> + +<P> +"Shoot, Hector!" I tells him. "You know I can deny you nothin'." +</P> + +<P> +"I want a week off and the loan of five hundred bucks," he says. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll tell you," I says. "Take <I>two</I> weeks off and forget about the +five hundred, heh?" +</P> + +<P> +"No, Mac—I gotta have the dough!" he says. "With what I got saved up, +I figure it'll be ample." +</P> + +<P> +"Ample for what?" I asks. +</P> + +<P> +"I can't tell no man nothin' about it now," he answers, "but when I +come back from my vacation, I'll let you in on it. I don't like to say +this, Mac—but when I was slippin' it to you, I never asked whether you +wanted it to get a hair cut with or to try and put Wall Street on the +bum. If—" +</P> + +<P> +"That's enough!" I cuts him off, takin' out the roll. "Here you are, +Hector—and if you want any more they's plenty of it where that come +from!" +</P> + +<P> +They was—in the mint. +</P> + +<P> +When Hector had put some distance between himself and the ball park, I +begin to think the thing over. If he <I>did</I> pull any startlin' stunt, I +stood to lose a thousand bucks, not countin' the weddin' gift, to Alex. +They was five hundred more I'd invested right then, makin' fifteen +hundred in all, which I considered was gettin' into money. For all I +knowed, Hector and Alex might be framin' me and they ain't no man +livin' who loves bein' a sucker. +</P> + +<P> +I decided right then and there to shoot another nickel on the thing and +I called up the Ryan Detective Agency. Mike Ryan had been a friend of +me and Hector since we'd been in baseball. I told him the whole layout +and asked for a report on the activities of Hector the followin' day, +if possible. +</P> + +<P> +It was three days before I seen Ryan's report. He give it to me +himself by mouth. +</P> + +<P> +"Say!" he says. "This Hector bird has gone nutty, and I suppose bein' +friends of his, you and me had better have him put away where he can't +do himself no violence." +</P> + +<P> +"What's he doin'?" I asks. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Ryan, "I'll give you the dope since he left the ball park +on Monday. The first thing he does is go to the bank and draw out +every nickel he's got. Then he moves from the hotel to Cereal +Crossin', N. J. This burg casts eleven votes for president every four +years and they all work on the same farm. Hector hires a shack away +out in the middle of the woods there and, from then on, boxes and +crates begins to arrive for him from everywheres but Brazil. I met up +with a Secret Service guy who had dropped in to get a line on what +kinda bombs Hector was makin' before pinchin' him, and we went through +this express stuff durin' the night. The first crate we tackled +contained all the glassware in the world of a medical nature. They was +bottles, test tubes, bowls and all the stuff usual found in a practical +anarchist's workshop. After the first peep, the Secret Service guy +wanted to run right over and fit Hector with iron bracelets, but I got +him to hold off long enough to look over the rest of the stuff. We +went through every box and what d'ye think we found in 'em?" +</P> + +<P> +"I wasn't there," I says. "Tell me." +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Ryan, grinnin', "when all this stuff was assembled, it +would make a first class delicatessen shop and that's all! They was +meats, cheese, olive oil, fish, vegetables, pickles, mustard and about +fifteen other eatables I never seen or heard tell of before in my life! +We busted a lot of it open, lookin' for explosives, but they was all on +the level. Why, that bird's got enough stuff down there to keep him in +food for the rest of his life!" +</P> + +<P> +I bust out laughin'. +</P> + +<P> +"Ha, ha!" I says. "That's it! The poor fathead went and fell for that +bunk Alex handed him and he's gone and laid in that stuff so's he won't +starve when the government seizes the food supplies. Can you tie that?" +</P> + +<P> +"I always thought he was a little queer," says Ryan. "Especially when +he claims he's a ball player. Let's get him in some nice, private +sanitarium somewheres and I'll split the bill with you." +</P> + +<P> +"Leave him alone!" I says. "I'll take care of this myself. If he +stays there long enough, I gotta chance to win a piece of money and—" +</P> + +<P> +"All right!" says Ryan. "It ain't no milk outa my coffee, but that +bird oughta be under lock and key!" +</P> + +<P> +I could hardly wait to tell Alex about Hector's first step towards +success. I rung him up immediately and give him the dope, windin' up +by askin' when he'd be ready to pay me off. +</P> + +<P> +"Pay <I>you</I> off?" he says. "Save that comedy for Cousin Alice! Just +you leave Hector be now; from what you tell me everything's goin' fine +and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Goin' fine?" I hollers. "When that poor simp buries himself in Jersey +with all the food in the world, do you call that makin' good?" +</P> + +<P> +"Gimme a week!" says Alex. "He said he'd be back then, and if he ain't +shown somethin' by that time, you get the check." +</P> + +<P> +"Fair enough!" I says, "and have it certified." +</P> + +<P> +The followin' Monday night, Alex as usual is honorin' me and the wife +with his presence at dinner. I was in such good humor that I didn't as +much as wince when he calls for another piece of roast beef, makin' an +even eight. Hector had failed to appear as advertised and the noted +Success Developer had promised to pay me off before he left. They was +a ring at the bell and the wife ushers in Hector, ruinin' the night for +me! +</P> + +<P> +"I would of reported at the ball park this afternoon like I promised," +he says, "only I was in a burg where the only time a train ever stopped +there was when one went off the track." +</P> + +<P> +I hardly knowed it was the same Hector which went away the week before. +His cheeks was filled out past the legal limit and he had a color that +would make an insurance company let him write his own policy. He was +Alfred Q. Health—that's all! +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sorry to see you people eatin' the flesh of the cow, roasted in an +unscientific manner," he says. "One slab of that is shy just +forty-eight calories and they's more proteins in a filetted bean!" He +reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little package. "If I can draw +up a chair here," he says, "I'll have dinner with you." +</P> + +<P> +"I'll get another plate," says the wife, "and some coffee—" +</P> + +<P> +"Not a thing!" says Hector. "I got mine with me!" With that he +unwraps the package and pulls out a thing about the size of a deck of +cards. I thought at first it was a razor hone, but Hector bites into +it. "Just a glass of water," he says, "though with this a man don't +even need that!" +</P> + +<P> +Alex bounces outa his chair and gimme the laugh. +</P> + +<P> +"What's that?" he hollers at Hector. +</P> + +<P> +"That," says Hector, "is the last word in calories, protein and +nourishment! It contains each and every juice and sustainin' part of +all meats and vegetables known to man, with a little glutein invention +of my own combined. It has got it forty ways on all other patent +foods, because it's not only nourishin', it's so darned tasty that once +you eat it you get the habit, like dope or somethin', and you can't eat +anything else! It'll keep forever without ice or preservatives. You +don't need liquids with it, it supplies its own juices. It's got a +kick like booze and they ain't no alcohol in it. I invented it and I +been livin' on it all week. Look me over and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Gimme a bite!" yells Alex. +</P> + +<P> +He grabs this weird lookin' slab of gue and takes a mouthful. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, lady!" he hollers. "They's just two things I wanna know. What +does it cost to make this stuff, and will it stand scientific tests?" +</P> + +<P> +"It costs about two cents a square, roughly speakin'," says Hector, +"and it'll stand any test in the world! Three of them things is the +day's food for a healthy man and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Will you lend me one for two days?" asks Alex, reachin' for his coat +and hat. +</P> + +<P> +Hector pulls out another package. +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" he says. "I brung one along for you, because you claimed you +was the same as me when it come to—" +</P> + +<P> +But Alex and the trick cake of collapsible food was gone! +</P> + +<P> +He showed up at the ball park the end of the week, when Hector was +pitchin' against the Red Sox. They got seven runs off him in the +second innin' and I was just yankin' him out, when Alex come runnin' +down to the dugout. +</P> + +<P> +"Hector!" he hollers. "You're a rich man! No more baseball for +yours—why, you can buy a team if you want it and—" +</P> + +<P> +"I thought you claimed you never drank," I says. +</P> + +<P> +"What is your friend ravin' about?" inquires Hector. +</P> + +<P> +Alex answers by shovin' a pink slip of paper into his hands. It was +the first check for fifty thousand bucks I ever seen in my life and it +was signed by the secretary of the U. S. treasury! +</P> + +<P> +"Why—what kinda stuff is this?" mutters Hector, turnin' the check over +and over. "It's made out to me! Why—who—where—who give you—" +</P> + +<P> +"It's all yours!" says Alex, rubbin' his hands together and displayin' +all his back teeth. "I took your food to Washington and got the +government experts to try it out. They been lookin' for a one-piece +ration for the army. They wanted somethin' cheap, palatable and +nourishin' that the men would take to. They was after a food that +could be easily packed and shipped. They give your food every possible +test and accepted it. That fifty thousand is only a first payment—we +still got four hundred and fifty thousand comin' for the invention +and—" +</P> + +<P> +"My Gawd!" gasps Hector. "They give up all this money for that?" +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" rattles on Alex. "And all you gotta do is go to the laboratory +they're gonna build and show 'em how to make it. We still got four +hundred and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Where d'ye get that <I>we</I> stuff?" I butts in, seein' my bet with Alex +goin' south. "Hector put that over and—" +</P> + +<P> +"And I put <I>him</I> over!" says Alex. "I'm the young feller that showed +him where <I>his</I> ace was! I therefore take one thousand dollars from +you, with that weddin' chest of silver, and I'll only charge Hector ten +per cent of his profits, as he was my first patient. I—" +</P> + +<P> +"Let's git outa here!" pipes Hector hoarsely. "Think of me with fifty +thousand berries and more on the fire!" +</P> + +<P> +Well, we all met at the flat the next afternoon to celebrate. The wife +suggested a theatre party with all that goes with it, and I was lookin' +over the papers to pick out a good show. Alex is walkin' up and down +the room, rubbin' them hands of his together. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, well, well!" he says, slappin' Hector on the back. "To think +that the days of slavery is all over! No more reportin' at the ball +park every day, no more spring training no more watchin' 'em hit and +run. That must be great after seven years of havin' to see it and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh!" mumbles Hector, kinda glum. He's all dressed up like a broken +arm and takin' it just as hard. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I says, "where will we go? We got all the shows in New York to +pick from and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Get one that will give Mister Sells a chance to really relax and enjoy +himself," says the wife. "Somethin' that will allow him to forget his +former—" +</P> + +<P> +"Why not ask Hector?" says Alex. "Where would <I>you</I> like to go, Mister +Sells?" +</P> + +<P> +Hector gets up and fumbles with his hat. +</P> + +<P> +"Say!" he says. "Let's all go out and see the ball game, heh?" +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap04"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER IV +</H3> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +DON'T GIVE UP THE TIP! +</H4> + +<P> +Listen! If you ever wake up some mornin' with an idea for something +new—whether it's a soup, a vaudeville act or a religion—and you +expect to cash on it, go to the nearest hardware store and ask the guy +behind the counter how much he'll take for all the locks in the joint. +Take 'em at any price and fasten 'em on the door of the safe where you +keep the idea—the same bein' your mouth—and then throw the keys in +any good, deep river! +</P> + +<P> +If the inventors of stud poker, movin' pictures, the alligator pear, +pneumonia and so forth had gone around talkin' about them things before +they got 'em patented they never would of took in a nickel on their +idea, but their <I>friends</I> would be draggin' down the royalties yet! +The minute you tip another guy to your stunt it's yours and his both. +He mightn't <I>mean</I> to steal your stuff, but he can't help himself. The +more he thinks about it, the better he likes it, and it ain't long +before he gets believin' it was <I>his</I> idea anyways and where do you get +off by claimin' you thought of it? +</P> + +<P> +I admit freely that you can't cash on your scheme unless you get it +before the world, but the thing is to wait till you got it covered with +so many copyrights and patents that not even the James Boys could steal +it and then <I>tell 'em all at once</I>! +</P> + +<P> +If Edgar Simmons had of did that, he'd be a rich millionaire to-day +instead of havin' to cut his winnin's with Alex. Edgar had an idea, +and he didn't know what to do with it. +</P> + +<P> +Alex did! +</P> + +<P> +The wife and I is sittin' down to the evenin' meal one night, when the +telephone rings. Only one of us got up. +</P> + +<P> +"Hello!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Hello!" is the answer. "This is Alex. What would you say to me +runnin' up there to supper to-night?" +</P> + +<P> +"Nothin'," I answers. "I see where they was a guy got pinched only +last week for swearin' over the phone!" +</P> + +<P> +"Look here!" he says, kinda peeved. "Do you want me to come up there +to-night or don't you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Don't you!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"They's plenty of places where they would be glad to have me to +dinner," he snarls. "Places that is just as good as yours!" +</P> + +<P> +"How do <I>you</I> know how good they are?" I says. "You ain't never tried +no dinners nowheres else but up here." +</P> + +<P> +"They ain't no man can keep me from seein' my cousin!" he says. "Tell +Alice I'll be right up!" +</P> + +<P> +I hung up the phone. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I says to the wife, "I got bad news for you." +</P> + +<P> +"Who was it?" she asks, droppin' the knittin' layout on the floor. +</P> + +<P> +"That trick relative of yours," I tells her. "He's comin' up here for +dinner again, so I guess I'll go down to the corner and play a little +pinochle." +</P> + +<P> +"You ought to be the weather man," says the wife, "you're such a rotten +guesser! You ain't goin' nowheres. You're gonna stay here and help +entertain Alex." +</P> + +<P> +"Entertain him?" I says. "What d'ye think I am—a trained seal or +somethin'?" +</P> + +<P> +"Don't kid yourself!" she says. "You ain't even makin' the money I +could get with a trained seal! You gotta stop this pinochle thing—you +don't see Alex wastin' his time playin' pinochle with a lotta loafers!" +</P> + +<P> +"You bet you don't!" I comes back. "You'll never see Alex playin' no +game where they's a chance of the other guy winnin'! He wouldn't bet +zero was cold! And don't be callin' my friends loafers—every one of +them guys is successful business men!" +</P> + +<P> +"That mob you hid out in here one night looked like a lotta plumbers to +me!" she says. "Any man who sits up half the night playin' cards is a +loafer!" +</P> + +<P> +"One of them loafers I while away my time with lives in the next flat," +I says, "and the dumbwaiter door is wide open." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't care," says the wife, flushin' all up. "Let him hear me!" +</P> + +<P> +"I ain't stoppin' him," I says. "But you don't want it to get rumored +all over New York that you and me is quarrelin', do you?" +</P> + +<P> +The wife's answer is nothin'. She walks over to the window and looks +out on Manhattan, doin' a soft shoe dance with one toe on the floor. +If bein' good lookin' was water, she'd be Niagara Falls. You've seen +her picture many a time on a can of massage cream—which she never +touched in her life! The label claims it was this stuff that put her +over, but she don't know whether rouge is for red cheeks or measles. +They ain't a day goes by without some movie company pesterin' her to +sign up, and she can write her own ticket when it comes to salary. +Well, I'm in dutch again, but I don't care! This here knockout is wed +to me, and they ain't <I>nothin'</I> can give me the blues! +</P> + +<P> +"Listen!" I says. "Honey, we only been wed ten years—and here we are +scrappin' <I>already</I>!" +</P> + +<P> +She turns on the weeps and I'm across the floor like a startled rabbit. +We come to terms in about five minutes, and as far as a disinterested +stranger could of seen, everything is O.K. again. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I says, finally, "you ain't mad at me no more, heh, honey?" +</P> + +<P> +She wags her head, no. +</P> + +<P> +"We got <I>that</I> all settled, heh?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +Her head is on my shoulder and why shouldn't it be, and she says yes. +</P> + +<P> +They is a pause. To bust it up, I coughs. +</P> + +<P> +"If that pest Alex wasn't comin' here to-night," I says, "we might go +to the theatre." +</P> + +<P> +"The <I>movies</I> hurts my eyes!" she answers, givin' me a sarcastical +smile. +</P> + +<P> +"D'ye mean to give the neighbors the idea I have never staked you to +nothin' but the movies?" I hollers, gettin' sore, naturally enough. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't be callin' my cousin no pest!" she says and—well, we're off +again! +</P> + +<P> +In less than five minutes, some new-comers which has a flat across the +hall, knocks on the dumbwaiter bell furiously. I answered. +</P> + +<P> +"Why don't you people let go?" inquires a harsh voice. "We can't stand +that tourney in there no longer!" +</P> + +<P> +"They ain't no way of puttin' a man in jail for movin'," I says. +</P> + +<P> +"The idea of a man hollerin' at his wife like that!" comes a female +voice in back of this guy. +</P> + +<P> +"Shut up—I'm doin' this!" exclaims her lovin' spouse,—and then they +had a mêlée of their own! +</P> + +<P> +In the middle of this our doorbell rings and in comes Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"They should of named this apartment house the Verdun," he says. "They +seems to be a battle goin' on here every time I come up! I could hear +every word you people was sayin' as plain as day, away out in the hall!" +</P> + +<P> +"What did you come in for then?" I asks him. "Especially as you could +hear this was the rush hour!" +</P> + +<P> +He ignores me and kisses the wife—a thing he knows gets me wild. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, boys!" butts in the wife, splittin' her world famous grin +fifty-fifty, "let's stop quarrelin'. They ain't a reason on earth why +we can't be friends, even if we are relatives." +</P> + +<P> +"When are you gonna have dinner?" asks Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"This here's eatless night with us," I says. "Not to give you a short +answer." +</P> + +<P> +"Don't pay no attention to him, Alex," says the wife. "You know you +can eat here whenever you want." +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" I says. "Don't mind me. All I gotta do is pay for this +stuff—that's all!" +</P> + +<P> +The wife gimme a bitter glance. +</P> + +<P> +"That's right," she says. "Tell the world that I have wed a tightwad!" +</P> + +<P> +"What d'ye mean?" I hollers. "I'm as loose as ashes with my money and +they ain't nobody knows it better than you. I don't even moan over the +monthly phone bill, which from the last one you musta been callin' up +friends in Australia!" +</P> + +<P> +"Here!" butts in Alex. "This thing's gotta stop! Come on, kiss and +make up. The first thing you know the Red Cross will be openin' a +branch here. If I didn't know how much you people loved each other, +I'd get the idea that you was really angry." +</P> + +<P> +"Of course we love each other!" I says. "We only pull this now and +then so's we won't get sickenin' to the neighbors by billin' and cooin' +<I>all</I> the time! Ain't I right, honey?" +</P> + +<P> +"Are you sorry?" inquires the wife. +</P> + +<P> +"Sorry?" I says. "Why, I'd go out and buy a tube of carbolic acid if +it wasn't so high!" +</P> + +<P> +With that they was peace. +</P> + +<P> +We're just sittin' down to a well-earned meal, when the bell rings +again. Actin' as maid is one of the best things I do around my five +rooms, if you count the bath, so I answered it. They was a man and a +woman standin' there and my heart run up to play with my tonsils when I +seen them. I figured they was a couple more guests for dinner and you +knew what they're askin' for steak these days. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm sorry to bother you," says the dame, "but we are the people who +live in the flat right under yours." +</P> + +<P> +"If you think we're too noisy, moan to the landlord!" I says, "I gotta +right to stage an argument in my flat whenever I so choose!" +</P> + +<P> +She giggles. The guy that was with her don't make a sound. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, I'm sure we never heard any noise from above," she says. "I +think you and your wife are no doubt the quietest folks in the whole +house." +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy!!! +</P> + +<P> +"How long have you been deaf?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"You're just like your wife claims," she grins. "Full of life and fun! +But I'm keepin' you from your food, ain't I? I wanted to know if you'd +let Mister Simmons climb down your fire escape." +</P> + +<P> +"Feed him some veronal," I says, "and he'll no doubt be O.K. in the +mornin'. The first day is always tough!" +</P> + +<P> +"Why, what do you mean?" she says. "I merely asked if my husband could +climb down your fire escape." +</P> + +<P> +I seen I had wild pitched the first time, so I tried my luck again. +</P> + +<P> +"Is your joint on fire?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, no!" she tells me. "But we are locked out. My husband invented a +new kind of lock—he's always inventing something that will do +everything but work. He put this lock on our door and now he can't +open it himself! Isn't that killing?" +</P> + +<P> +"A riot!" I admits. "Come right in." +</P> + +<P> +The wife is gettin' nervous at me bein' out there so long, and when she +heard a female voice laughin', of course that didn't help matters none. +She meets this dame half way in the hall and the minute they seen each +other they fall together in fond embrace. I found out later they'd +known each other as long as a week and the last time they met was an +hour before. +</P> + +<P> +Well, we get introduced all around and then this bird which invented a +lock that nobody on earth could open, includin' himself, goes out on +the fire escape followed by his charmin' wife. They entered their flat +by the novel method of usin' the kitchen window. This guy didn't open +his mouth from the time he come in till he went out, and when spoke to, +he blushed all over and acted like he wished to Heaven he could hide +under the sofa. His wife, though, had nothin' against conversation as +a sport. She was talkin' when she come in and she went out the same +way. I never seen nobody in my life who could talk as fast and +frequent as this dame and if her husband had hung that trick lock on +her tongue he would of made himself solid with me! +</P> + +<P> +"That's that lovely Mrs. Simmons," says the wife, when they had went. +"It's too bad her husband ain't a live one." +</P> + +<P> +"Gettin' married has buried many a good man!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"It didn't change <I>you</I> none," she says. "You was a dead one when I +got you!" +</P> + +<P> +"Here!" butts in Alex. "Don't you people get started again! I wanna +finish my supper in peace. What's wrong with Mister Simmons?" +</P> + +<P> +"He ain't got no pep," says the wife. "They's many a more ambitious +man than he is with a tomb around him! He's been keepin' books for +twenty dollars a week since the discovery of arithmetic, and he ain't +got a raise since they blowed up the <I>Maine</I>. He's afraid to ask for +more money for fear the boss will find out he's on the pay roll and +fire him. They's one ounce more brains in a billiard ball than they is +in his head. He—" +</P> + +<P> +"Wait!" interrupts Alex. "This here sounds interestin' to me. In the +first place, they ain't a doubt in my mind but what you got that feller +figured all wrong! Like all the rest of you simple minded and innocent +New Yorkers, you get brains and <I>imagination</I> mixed. They is a big +difference! <I>Brains</I> is what puts a man over, and <I>imagination</I> is +what keeps him back. The ideal combination is all brains and no +imagination! The feller with brains sets his mind on what he wants, +forgets everything else, goes to it and gets it. He don't for a minute +consider what might happen if he fails, or that the thing he proposes +has never been done before, or that maybe his scheme ain't really as +good as he first thought it was. Why don't he think of them things? +Because he ain't got no imagination! The imaginative feller is beat +from the start. He keeps thinkin' from every possible angle, what +might happen to him if he <I>fails</I> and, by the time he gets that all +figured out, his idea is cold and his enthusiasm for it has drowned in +the sea of possibilities his roamin' mind has created! The feller +which said, 'look before you leap!' might of been clever, but I bet he +thought a five-dollar bill was as big as they made 'em till he went to +his grave! If I'd had imagination, I'd never of come to New York and +made good. I'd of been afraid the town was too big for me. Now this +feller Simmons, I'll betcha, is simply sufferin' from a case of too +much imagination. He must have <I>somethin'</I> in his head or he couldn't +even keep books. It takes brains to balance accounts, the same as it +takes money to pay 'em. Am I right?" +</P> + +<P> +"What d'ye say, if we go to the movies?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +Alex gets up in disgust. +</P> + +<P> +"Is that all the interest I'm gettin' here?" he asks. +</P> + +<P> +"This ain't no bank!" I tells him. +</P> + +<P> +"Be still!" says the wife. "I heard every word you said, Alex dear. I +think you're horribly interestin'. But I still claim Simmons is a +fat-head whose butcher bill gives him trouble every month! He never +takes that poor wife of his nowheres, but a walk past the Fifth Avenue +Library, and she don't know if they have dancin' or swimmin' in +cabarets. He's always drawin' things on pieces of paper, and he sits +up half the night inventin' what-nots that would be all right, if they +wasn't useless." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," says Alex, "and some day he'll hit on somethin' that'll prob'ly +make him famous!" +</P> + +<P> +"I wanna see Beryldine Nearer in 'The Vaccinated Vampire'," I says, +reachin' for my hat. "I seen her last week in 'Almost A Fiend' and she +was a knockout!" +</P> + +<P> +"Shut up!" says the wife. "What was you sayin', again, Alex?" +</P> + +<P> +"I says it's the dreamer which has made the world what it is to-day," +he goes on, strikin' a pose. "He <I>thinks</I> of somethin' and the +practical feller comes along and makes money out of it. Take—" +</P> + +<P> +"They ain't no man can keep me from the movies!" I butts in. "I ain't +gonna be late and only see half of this picture. I done that too +often! You and Alice can fight it out amongst yourselves if—" +</P> + +<P> +"All right!" says the wife. "Come on, we'll all go. I admit freely +I'm crazy to see Beryldine Nearer again, myself. I seen a gown on her +in the last picture which I think I can duplicate in time for Mrs. +Martin's card party. We'll ask Mr. and Mrs. Simmons to go with us too. +The poor dear, it'll be a treat for her." +</P> + +<P> +"It'll be a treat for her husband, too!" I says. "I ain't gonna take +the whole neighborhood to the movies. You must think I'm the Liberty +Loan, don't you?" +</P> + +<P> +The wife comes over and kisses me. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, dear," she says. "Don't be so close across the chest. Won't you +take 'em for me?" +</P> + +<P> +Well, when all Broadway used to roll over and play dead when she pulled +that smile, what chance have <I>I</I> got? +</P> + +<P> +"I'd take carbolic for you!" I answers, givin' her a squeeze. "Go +ahead, honey, invite the first two pagefuls outa the phone book if you +want and I'll take 'em all!" +</P> + +<P> +"There you go," she says. "No wonder we're not wealthy! If it wasn't +for me holdin' you down, we wouldn't have a nickel. I'll call down and +tell Mrs. Simmons to get ready—they may have an engagement themselves!" +</P> + +<P> +"I doubt if I'm lucky enough for that to happen!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +Well, I missed out again. They come up all right, and Mrs. Simmons is +tickled to death. When set for the street, she was a pretty good +looker herself, but Simmons ain't even got a hat with him. +</P> + +<P> +"Mister Simmons prefers to stay at home," says his wife, causin' my +heart to leap with joy. "He has some important work to do, haven't +you, dear?" +</P> + +<P> +Simmons flushes all up. +</P> + +<P> +"Why—eh—yes—quite so—much obliged—excuse me," he stutters, backin' +away like he thought I'd wallop him for not goin'. +</P> + +<P> +Alex is lookin' at him strangely. +</P> + +<P> +"Pardon me," he says. "We just been talkin' over some of the wonderful +ideas you been workin' on. I have a inventive twist in my brains +myself and that lock you put together interests me very much. Could I +see it?" +</P> + +<P> +Simmons brightens up in a flash and commences to grin. +</P> + +<P> +"I'd be very glad indeed to show it to you," he says. "Very glad! Its +a—" +</P> + +<P> +Alex goes over and puts his arm on his shoulder. +</P> + +<P> +"You folks run along to the movies," he tells us. "Mr. Simmons and me +is got a little conference on—eh, Simmons?" He prods him in the ribs +and giggles. +</P> + +<P> +Simmons wags his head. A guy with two glass eyes could see he was +tickled silly. +</P> + +<P> +I dragged the rest of 'em out. +</P> + +<P> +Well, we come in from the movie around eleven o'clock and stopped in +the Simmons flat. They had dragged me into a delicatessen parlor on +the way back and put the bee on me for a cold lunch. We was to eat it +in Mrs. Simmons's flat. All she furnished was the idea. Alex and +Simmons is sittin' in the dinin' room and they're so interested in each +other they don't even look up when we come in. The table is full of +drawin's and blue prints and scraps of paper all covered over with +figures. Simmons is pointin' out somethin' to Alex on a piece of +paper, and I'll lay the world four to one Alex ain't got the slightest +idea what the other guy's talkin' about, but he's listenin' like he's +hearin' the secret of makin' gold outa mud. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll bet you have gone to work and bored Mister Hanley half to death!" +says his wife. "How often have I told you that strangers is not +interested in them fool ideas of yours?" +</P> + +<P> +"Not at all!" says Alex. "I fail to recall when I spent such a +enjoyable night. Mister Simmons is a genius, if they ever was one, and +I predict a great future for his automatic cocktail shaker. Then, if +he gets his keyless lock workin' right, why—" +</P> + +<P> +"Let's eat in the kitchen, it's cosier," interrupts Mrs. Simmons. "Do +you folks mind?" +</P> + +<P> +They was no bloodshed over it, and we all went in. Simmons claims he +would like to change his collar, and invites me back to look over the +flat, a treat the wife has already had. Once we get in his boudoir, he +finds they is everything in the world in it with the exception of a +clean collar, and he calls Mrs. Simmons to the rescue. +</P> + +<P> +"Here!" she says, handin' him the laundry. "Hurry up, so's we can eat. +He's always losin' somethin'!" she remarks. +</P> + +<P> +I got a comical answer on the tip of my tongue, when Simmons drops his +collar button on the floor, and, the same as all the other collar +buttons in the world, they picked out the furtherest corners of the +room to roll into. The poor boob gets as red as a four-alarm fire and +goes crawlin' around the room tryin' to run them collar buttons down. +</P> + +<P> +"It's too bad them buttons wasn't made of rubber," I says, thinkin' to +pass the thing off. "They would of bounced right back in your hand, +hey?" +</P> + +<P> +He straightens up like he had stepped on a egg and runs his hands +through his hair. +</P> + +<P> +"A rubber collar button!" he mutters. "A rubber collar button! +No—no—not <I>rubber</I>, but—" +</P> + +<P> +"My Gawd!" cuts in Mrs. Simmons. "Will he <I>ever</I> stop it? Sit down +and eat, folks, he's ravin' again! Here, Edgar, try some of this cold +ham. It set our friends back a dollar and it ought to be good!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm—I'm sorry!" pipes Edgar, movin' away with that little, nervous +step of his. "I couldn't eat a thing. I got a headache, I +guess—I—excuse me, but I'll see you all again." +</P> + +<P> +With that he blows. +</P> + +<P> +"Ain't he the limit?" inquires Mrs. Simmons, grabbin' the choicest bits +of that ham and goin' south with it. +</P> + +<P> +"Mine's worse!" remarks the wife. "What would them men ever do without +us?" +</P> + +<P> +"Save money!" I says. "Slip me some of that cold chicken, will you?—I +got a stomach, too!" +</P> + +<P> +Well, we didn't see Edgar Simmons no more that night. In fact it was +all of two weeks before he appeared again, and then it was by way of +the phone. He asked me if I would tell my Cousin Alex to come down at +once, he had somethin' very important to tell him. I waited till +supper had come and gone that night, and then I got hold of Alex. The +wife and Mrs. Simmons went to the theatre together and I arranged the +conference for my flat. The minute Alex arrived I phoned Simmons and +he come right up. He's all excited over somethin' and he's got a +parcel under his arm. +</P> + +<P> +"I have followed your advice," he tells Alex, "and at last I've +invented something practical. There's millions in it!" +</P> + +<P> +"What?" I says. "The mint?" +</P> + +<P> +Alex kicks me in the shins under the table so hard that I moaned aloud. +</P> + +<P> +"What is it?" he asks. +</P> + +<P> +Simmons unwraps the parcel and pulls out a piece of cloth. It's the +neckband of a shirt and the same as the ordinary neckband in every +way—except it's got collar buttons <I>built right into it</I>! +</P> + +<P> +"What's the idea?" I asks. +</P> + +<P> +"Heavens, man, can't you grasp it?" says Simmons, slammin' the table +with his fist. "Here we have the only collar button in the world <I>that +can't be lost</I>! You never have to look for it, because it's always +attached to the shirt. You can't lose the button unless you lose the +shirt! It's made right with it! It—" +</P> + +<P> +"Wait!" butts in Alex, leapin' to his feet. "Simmons—you have got +somethin'! Is it patented?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," says Simmons. +</P> + +<P> +"Have you felt out the shirt people on it?" asks Alex next. +</P> + +<P> +"That's what I wanted to see <I>you</I> about," says Simmons. "I can't get +them to look at it! I get shifted from one subordinate to another and +they seem to think I'm some sort of a crank. If I could only get it +before Philip Calder, the president of the Brown-Calder Shirt Company, +I'd be made!" +</P> + +<P> +"Hmm!" grunts Alex. "Well, what d'ye want <I>me</I> to do?" +</P> + +<P> +Simmons coughs and fidgets with the button. +</P> + +<P> +"It struck me when you was talkin' to me the other night," he says, +"that if there was one man in New York who could see Calder and make +him realize the merits of my invention, you were that man! Will you +try it?" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll <I>do</I> it!" answers Alex. "Gimme the model and you'll hear from me +in a few days. Do you wish to sell the neckbands themselves, or just +the patent on your idea?" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't care who makes the neckbands," says Simmons, "as long as I get +paid for my invention! Of course, I don't expect you to help me for +nothing, either." +</P> + +<P> +"Ha! ha!" I butts in. "That bird wouldn't tell you the time for +nothing You'll be lucky if you ever even see that invention any more!" +</P> + +<P> +"Don't mind my cousin," Alex tells him. "Outside of a tendency to the +measles, he's the worst thing we got in our family! We'll take up the +financial end of this later." +</P> + +<P> +Bright and early the next mornin', or eleven o'clock to be exact, Alex +invites me to go with him so's I can watch how he would go about seein' +the president of the Brown-Calder Company and sellin' him the Simmons +patent collar button. As they is always a chance that Alex will fall +down, I went along. We had no trouble at all landin' outside the +president's office, but once we got there it was different. +</P> + +<P> +"Is Mister Calder in?" says Alex to a blond stenographer, which looks +like them movie queens would like to. +</P> + +<P> +She puts four stray hairs back of her left ear and arises. +</P> + +<P> +"Have you got an appointment?" she inquires. +</P> + +<P> +"No," grins Alex, "my nose got that way from bein' hit with a baseball." +</P> + +<P> +She had lovely teeth and showed 'em to us. +</P> + +<P> +"Cards?" she says next, lookin' from one of us to the other. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll play these!" says Alex. "Listen! I wanna go in Mister Calder's +office without bein' announced. I ain't seen him for years and he'll +be tickled silly when we meet. I wanna sneak in and just be there the +first time he looks around. I'm a surprise—see?" +</P> + +<P> +She looks kinda doubtful. +</P> + +<P> +"W-e-ll, I don't know," she says. "I've only been here since +yesterday, but my orders is to let nobody past this gate without first +findin' out their business and so forth. Still and all, I don't wanna +be harsh with none of the boss's old college chums or nothin' like +that. If you can guarantee I won't lose my job, I'll let you get away +with it." +</P> + +<P> +"If you lose your job," says Alex, openin' the gate and pullin' me in +after him, "I'll hire you for five dollars more than you're gettin' +here. All right?" +</P> + +<P> +"I only trust you're man enough to keep your word," she says. "The +boss's office is the first one to the left." +</P> + +<P> +"Thanks," says Alex. "Them eyes of yours is alone worth the trip!" +</P> + +<P> +This guy Calder's door is open and he's sittin' at a big desk writin' +away on somethin' like everything depended on speed. He's a great, big +fat bird, with one of them trick Chaplin mustaches and he's smokin' a +cigar as big as he is. His head is playin' it's hairless day. All in +all, he looked like big business, and my knees is knockin' together +till I'm afraid he'll hear 'em and turn around. Alex gumshoes up to +the desk and without sayin' a word, he lays the neckband right down +beside Calder, who immediately swings around with a snort. +</P> + +<P> +"What's all this—how did you get in here?" he bellers. +</P> + +<P> +"We took the subway down from Ninety-sixth Street," says Alex. "That +thing you got in your hand is the neckband of a shirt." +</P> + +<P> +"Well?" growls Calder, tappin' the desk with a lead pencil. +</P> + +<P> +"It contains two collar buttons—one front and one back," says Alex. +"As you may have noticed, they are built right into the cloth and are +meant to come <I>attached to the shirt</I>. This does away forever with the +necessity of buying a collar button. It cannot be broken, lost or +mislaid. Any shirt manufacturer making shirts with this neckband +attached will naturally have the bulge on his rivals. I can turn out +the neckband for practically nothing. I hold the patent." +</P> + +<P> +Calder sneers. +</P> + +<P> +"Ha!" he says. "There's a million cranks come in my office every day. +I suppose you want to sell me this, eh?" +</P> + +<P> +"No, sir!" says Alex, with a pleasant grin. +</P> + +<P> +I liked to fell through the floor at that! +</P> + +<P> +"<I>No</I>, sir?" repeats Calder, droppin' the pencil. +</P> + +<P> +"No, sir!" answers Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, what the—what <I>do</I> you want then?" roars Calder. "Come now, +speak up. I'll give you five minutes, that's all!" +</P> + +<P> +"That's three minutes more than I got to spare!" chirps Alex, pullin' +over a chair. "I don't want you to <I>buy</I> this neckband, Mister Calder. +What I want is this—I know that <I>you</I> are the greatest authority on +shirts and everything connected with the business, in the United States +if not in the world! I think I have a big thing here, a thing that +will revolutionize one end of that business. I say I <I>think</I> so, +because I don't know. Now—the concern I represent wants your opinion +of it. We're willing to pay to have you, the world's greatest +authority, go on record as to the merits of this invention. If you say +it's no good, I'll throw it away and forget about it; if you say it's +good, I'll have no trouble placing it anywhere in the world!" +</P> + +<P> +Well, say! That old guy brightens all up when Alex calls him the +champion shirtmaker of the world, and pickin' up the band, he turns it +over in his hands a few times. You could see that the old salve Alex +handed him had gone big! +</P> + +<P> +"Hmph!" he says, finally. "How much would these things cost me?" +</P> + +<P> +"Roughly speakin', about three cents each," says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"How long will they stand up under laundering?" is the next question +Calder fires at him. +</P> + +<P> +"They're the only thing that won't come out in the wash!" answers Alex, +without battin' an eye. +</P> + +<P> +The old guy smiles and presses a button. In comes a clerk. +</P> + +<P> +"Send in Mister Lacy, no matter what he's doing, at once!" barks +Calder. He turns to Alex as the clerk flees from the room. "Have you +been anywhere else with this?" he asks. +</P> + +<P> +Alex looks pained. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, Mister Calder!" he says, "certainly not! Before I went any +further I wanted the opinion of the greatest—" +</P> + +<P> +This Lacy guy comes in. +</P> + +<P> +"Mister Lacy is superintendent of our manufacturing department," says +Calder. "I'm going to talk with him for three minutes about the effect +of the war on the onion crop in Beloochistan. I'll send for you at the +expiration of that time. Ah—you can leave the—ah—neckband here!" +</P> + +<P> +"Pardon me!" says Alex, "I have got to be up at the office of the +Evers-Raine Shirt Company at three and I can just about make it." +</P> + +<P> +"What the devil are you going to another shirt company for?" roars +Calder. +</P> + +<P> +"I have an old friend in the—ah—manufacturing department," says Alex, +lookin' straight at him, "who I'm very anxious to see." +</P> + +<P> +Well, they stare at each other for a minute without sayin' a word. +They're both playin' poker, and it's Calder who lays his down first! +</P> + +<P> +"Look here!" he grunts. "I'm going to take an option on this infernal +thing for a week. How much is that worth to you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Ten thousand dollars," answers Alex, pleasantly. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll pay seven and give you a check right now!" says Calder, slammin' +the desk with his fist. "Here, Lacy!" he says to the other guy. "This +is what we'll put on our shirts hereafter, unless I'm very much +mistaken! What do you think of it?" +</P> + +<P> +Lacy picks up the neckband and looks at it. +</P> + +<P> +"And to think," he mutters in an awed voice. "And to think nobody ever +thought of this before!" +</P> + +<P> +"Hmm!" says Calder, takin' the band back. "That's all settled then! +Young man," he says to Alex, "the cashier will give you a check. Come +back at the end of the week and I'll either give you back your +neckband, or a contract for five hundred thousand of them a year for +twenty years!" +</P> + +<P> +"Thanks!" says Alex. "Will you have that check certified?" +</P> + +<P> +Well, Simmons like to went insane with joy when we sprung the news on +him and Alex insists on him takin' that seven thousand dollar check +whole. He didn't ask for a nickel, which had me puzzled. Mrs. Simmons +goes out shoppin' for furs, diamonds and automobiles, and the wife asks +me why I don't invent somethin', but outside of that they was nothin' +more doin' till the end of the week. Then, Alex comes up and breaks +the news to Simmons that the Brown-Calder Shirt Company will take all +the neckbands that Simmons can supply, as long as people wear shirts. +</P> + +<P> +"We have got to deliver 50,000 in a month," says Alex, "at the rate of +two and a half cents apiece. Can you do it?" +</P> + +<P> +Simmons falls back on the sofa in a dead faint! +</P> + +<P> +Well, they was great excitement and the wife finally brings him to life +with smellin' salts. +</P> + +<P> +"It was prob'ly the sudden mention of so much money, eh?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm ruined!" hollers Simmons, leapin' up and dancin' around. "Why, it +took me two weeks to make that one miserable model I gave you!" he +yells at Alex. "I couldn't make fifty thousand of them things in a +lifetime!" +</P> + +<P> +Alexis eyes glitters. +</P> + +<P> +"Here!" he says, slappin' Simmons on the back. "Pull yourself +together, man! You've got to think of somethin'. How did you make +that one?" +</P> + +<P> +"By hand!" wails Simmons. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, they must be some way of makin' a machine that can turn out so +many thousand an hour!" says Alex, walkin' back and forth. "Why—" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't care who makes 'em!" says Simmons. "All I want is to get paid +for my idea. I—" +</P> + +<P> +"Listen to me!" interrupts Alex, shakin' him. "Can't you invent some +kind of a machine for turnin' them neckbands out?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I had a little something figured out the other night," says +Simmons, "but what's the use of me botherin' with that? Why, a machine +of that kind would cost at least twenty thousand dollars to make! +Where can I get that much money?" +</P> + +<P> +"Look here!" Alex tells him. "You got seven and I'll loan you the +balance. You get busy on that machine right away—there's no time to +lose!" He grabs his hat. "Come with me and I'll get you the money and +then we'll go to my lawyer and draw up a—that is, I'll take your +receipt." +</P> + +<P> +That's the last I seen of either of them for a month. At the end of +that time, the wife tells me one day that Mr. and Mrs. Simmons is +givin' a big dinner that night and that Alex will be there. They'll +never notice us no more, if we don't come. Besides, they're goin' for +a trip around the country in a few days and this here's a farewell +party. +</P> + +<P> +Well, it's a soup and fish affair, and naturally it takes the wife half +the night to get dressed up for it. Fin'ly, however, she's dressed to +thrill and we blowed in. The minute we did, Simmons pulls me over in a +corner where Alex is sittin', smilin' like his name was George Q. +Goodhumor. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, sir!" says Simmons, no longer shy and retirin', "I just about +cleaned up. My machine is turnin' out three thousand bands an hour, +and I get a cent for each and every one!" +</P> + +<P> +"You fin'ly doped out a machine then, heh?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, yes!" he tells me. "But unfortunately I don't control it. I have +to pay the owner for each band turned out, although it's my invention. +But I'm satisfied! I got a bonus of twenty-five thousand dollars from +the Brown-Calder people for selling them the exclusive rights to use +the neckband, and then we have the foreign rights to—" +</P> + +<P> +"Wait!" I cuts in, turnin' to Alex. All this big money talk was makin' +me dizzy. "Where do <I>you</I> get off?" I asks him. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, I put the neckband over, didn't I?" he says. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," I admits, "but Simmons invented it and he gets the royalty. How +much cash did he give you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Nothing!" grins Alex. +</P> + +<P> +I looked at Simmons. +</P> + +<P> +"Perfectly correct!" he says, outgrinnin' Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"You—did all that for <I>nothin'</I> I hollers, not believin' my ears. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, hardly that," says Alex, lightin' a half-dollar cigar. "You see +I loaned Mister Simmons thirteen thousand dollars, if you remember, so +that he could make his machine." +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh, yeh!" I says, gettin' impatient. "And—" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, as it stands now," says Alex, "every time the machine turns out +a neckband, he gets a cent out of the two and a half cents profit." +</P> + +<P> +"Sure—he told me that!" I says. "But where do <I>you</I> get off?" +</P> + +<P> +Alex grins some more. +</P> + +<P> +"I own the machine!" he says. "Have a cigar, cousin?" +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap05"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER V +</H3> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +YOU CAN DO IT! +</H4> + +<P> +A guy once said, "Be sure you're right, then go ahead!" and like the +bird which invented the sayin', "What are you gonna have?" he became +famous on that one line. They's millions of people have repeated both +of them remarks since. As far as the last one is concerned, it's about +died out now and cracked ice has started gettin' acquainted with +lemonade and the like instead of its old haunts, Scotch, Rye and Gin, +which has pulled a Rip Van Winkle. I never told no man I was a fortune +teller, but if I was a bartender right now, believe me, I'd spend my +nights off studyin' the art of makin' chocolate nut sundaes and +pineapple ice cream sodas, because the time has come with alarmin' +suddenness when alcohol will be used only for rubbin' baby's head when +he falls off of the table and the like. +</P> + +<P> +However, that ain't neither here or there, as the guy says which +mislaid his watch, so let's get back to the bird which said, "Be sure +you're right, then go ahead!" That may be a good line, but it's poor +dope for the young. I'll tell the world fair that no winner ever got +paid off by stickin' strictly to that. If Columbus had waited till +somebody sent him a souvenir postal from the Bronx, so's he'd be sure +they really was some choice real estate over here, he never would of +discovered America. Napoleon would never of got further than bein' a +buck private in the army if he'd of played safe instead of goin' ahead +on the "I Should Worry!" plan. I could name a million more guys which +got over along the same lines only I hate to walk to the library. But +pick up any newspaper and the front page will give you the answer. The +guys that go over the top in this well known universe are the boys +which goes ahead <I>first</I> and figures what chances they got afterwards. +They let the results they get tell whether they're <I>right</I> or not. I +don't mean a guy should bust the traffic laws of any of the prominent +virtues in order to be a success, they ain't a game on earth that can't +be played on the level and won clean, but instead of askin' yourself, +"Can I do it?" say, "This will be <I>soft</I> for me!" and you're a odds on +favorite to win! +</P> + +<P> +Me and the wife is sittin' down to breakfast one mornin', and I have +barely had time to find fault with the eggs when they's a ring at the +bell. +</P> + +<P> +"See who that is, will you, dear?" says the wife, turnin' a page of the +<I>Mornin' Shrapnel</I> and shootin' the smile that used to jam the Winter +Garden in my direction. "You know how tired I am in the mornings." +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh," I says, very sarcastical. "Eatin' grape fruit is enough to wear +down the strongest. Since how long have I became the maid around here?" +</P> + +<P> +"Before we were married," she says, sinkin' the last of the cream in +her coffee—a thing she knows full well practically always enrages me. +"Before we was wed, you claimed you'd do anything for me." +</P> + +<P> +"A man can kid, can't he?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't get catty, dear," says the wife, still featurin' that million +dollar smile. "Hurry, there goes the bell again. You really should +put on your collar and tie before answering the door, too." +</P> + +<P> +"Who d'ye think is payin' us a call—Wilson?" I says. "I ain't +supposed to wear a dress suit in to breakfast, am I?" +</P> + +<P> +They is no answer from the trenches across the table, outside of the +munchin' of food, and as our door bell is makin' the telephone green +with envy from the way it was ringin', I went out and opened the +portals to our flat. +</P> + +<P> +In comes Alex the Great, undisputed champion pest of the world. +</P> + +<P> +He throws his hat on the sofa, kisses the wife, pulls a chair up to the +table and reaches over for the paper. Every one of them things is sure +fire for gettin' my goat! +</P> + +<P> +"No wonder you people never get nowheres!" he remarks. "Sleepin' away +half the day. Here it is eleven o'clock and you just havin' breakfast! +I was up at six, had a ice cold bath and walked ten miles." +</P> + +<P> +"I wish you had of made it eleven!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Why?" he asks me. +</P> + +<P> +"Because," I says, "that would of brung you a even two blocks past our +house and I could of had my breakfast in peace." +</P> + +<P> +"How often have I told you that I don't come here to see you?" he +snarls. "If it wasn't for Cousin Alice, I'd never come near your flat!" +</P> + +<P> +"You stayed away a month once," I says, "and she managed to keep out of +the hospitals." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, hush!" says the wife. "You boys are always snappin' at each +other. A outsider would think you was in business together or +something. How is everything, Alex?" +</P> + +<P> +"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands together and castin' a hungry eye +over the bacon and eggs. "I already had a breakfast fit for a king, +but the early mornin' air gimme a fresh appetite. I think I could +stand a little of that bacon and—" +</P> + +<P> +"They's only one piece left," I says, spearin' it with my fork. "Try +and get it!" +</P> + +<P> +"Will you be still?" says the wife. "We have plenty in the ice box, +Alex, if you want some." +</P> + +<P> +"Don't be blowin' about how much food we got in the ice box," I says. +"They may be some spies from Hoover's office around." +</P> + +<P> +"That reminds me," says Alex, makin' the best of it by devourin' all +the crackers and jam. "I expect to go to Washington this week and +offer my services to Mister Hoover." +</P> + +<P> +"What was you thinkin' of doing for Mister Hoover, Alex?" says the wife. +</P> + +<P> +"I got a scheme for—," he begins, when I ceased firin' on the bacon +and eggs and arose. +</P> + +<P> +"Listen!" I butts in. "I don't like to walk out in the middle of your +act, Alex, but I gotta date. I have just bought a infielder from +Jersey City which they tell me is a second Ty Cobb. The last guy which +come recommended to me like that acted like hittin' the ball was a +felony and he must of figured that droppin' grounders put Cobb over. I +have give everything but the franchise for this new bird, and I wanna +see right now if he's one of them things or a ball player." +</P> + +<P> +"Don't make no engagements for to-night," says the wife, "because we're +goin' to the movies with them lovely Wilkinsons." +</P> + +<P> +"Who's them lovely Wilkinsons?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"You could spend a year at the bottom of the ocean and never get +acquainted with a fish!" says the wife. "The Wilkinsons is the people +which just moved in across the hall. Her husband is a salesman for a +big wholesale clothing house downtown and if you're nice to him he can +prob'ly get you a raincoat or something, for a great deal different +price than you'd pay yourself." +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh," I says. "It would no doubt cost me about ten bucks <I>more</I>, if I +bought it from him! I know them birds. That guy will gimme his card +and send me down to the foundry where he works, and they'll sell me +somethin' which has graced their shelves for the last ten years, at ten +per cent over the retail price. The public will laugh me outa wearin' +it and, on top of that, this guy will want the first five rows at the +world's series for doin' me the favor! Anyways, I don't need no +raincoat, I got two already." +</P> + +<P> +"I never seen nobody like you," says the wife. "I'll bet you think the +war was a frame-up! Accordin' to you, nobody or nothin' is on the +level, and the whole world and Yonkers is out to give you the work. I +have already talked with Mister Wilkinson, which is a nice little +innocent fellow and not a brute like you which battles night and day +with his wife, and he will have a raincoat up here for you to-morrow." +</P> + +<P> +I throwed up my hands! +</P> + +<P> +"How much is it?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Practically nothin'," says the wife. "Forty-five dollars." +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy! +</P> + +<P> +"Listen!" I says, openin' the door. "Unless that bird has give you his +age in mistake for the price of the raincoat, you can tell him that if +I had forty-five bucks to hurl away like that I wouldn't wear no +raincoat. I wouldn't care if it rained or not!" +</P> + +<P> +"It's one of the latest trench models," says the wife. "I got two of +them. One for myself." +</P> + +<P> +"You and that lovely little Wilkinson will have to shoot craps for them +then!" I hollers. "I wouldn't let him take me for ninety bucks if—" +</P> + +<P> +"They are both paid for long ago," smiles the wife, pinchin' my cheek, +and pullin' the smile that used to get her photo in the magazines. "I +give him a check last week!" +</P> + +<P> +As unfortunately I am nothin' but human, I beat it before they was +violence and bloodshed. I was afraid to trust myself with speech, but +I managed to let off a little steam before I left by throwin' three +pillows and a Rumanian beer stein at Alex, havin' caught him grinnin' +at me like a idiot. +</P> + +<P> +It was about six hours before I got back and my temper had failed to +improve with age, havin' had a rough day at the ball park. We played a +double-header with the Phillies and lost a even two games. Both the +scores sounded more like Rockefeller's income tax than anything else. +Iron Man Swain pitched the first game for us and before five innin's +had come and went, I found out that the only thing iron about him was +his nerve in drawin' wages as a pitcher. Everybody connected with the +Philly team but the batboy got a hit and from the way them guys run +around the bases it looked more like a six-day race than a ball game! +</P> + +<P> +I sent in Red Mitchel to pitch the second half of the massacre, and all +he had was a boil on his arm. As far as his offerin's was concerned, +everybody on the Philly club could of been christened Home Run Baker. +When he throwed the ball on the clubhouse roof tryin' to get a guy +nappin' off first, lettin' in two extry runs instead, I went out to the +box and removed him by hand. Ed Raymond finished the game for us, and +he's so scared we might win it that he walks the first three men and +knocks the fourth guy cold with a inshoot. I didn't even stay to see +the finish—I had enough! +</P> + +<P> +One of the features of the day was the work of this so-called "Second +Ty Cobb" at short. He come to bat eleven times in the two games and +got one hit. That was a left jab from the Philly first baseman which +got peeved at bein' called a liar and bounced one off the Second Ty +Cobb's ear. At fieldin' he made more errors than the Kaiser and was +just as popular with the crowd. I give up five thousand berries and a +outfielder for him, and after them two games I couldn't of sold him as +a watch charm to the manager of a high school club! +</P> + +<P> +From all of this you may get an idea of the sweet humor I was in when I +blowed into the flat that night. My idea was to put on the feed bag, +and then go around to the corner and play a little pinochle with the +gang. Like the guy which fell off Washington's Monument I was doomed +to disappointment, because they was quite a little reception committee +awaitin' me. Among them present besides the wife was Alex and them +lovely Wilkinsons. +</P> + +<P> +The lovely Wilkinsons consisted of the regular set—husband and wife. +They had only been wed about three weeks, new time, and from the way +they behaved towards each other, a innocent bystander would think they +had only staggered away from the altar a hour before. They sit +together on the sofa, three inches closer to each other than the paper +is to the wall and both of them must of been palmists judgin' from the +way they hung on to each other's hands. The male of the layout is a +husky kid which either come direct from one of the college football +teams or had just knocked off posin' for the lingerie ads in the +subway. The female would of been a knockout, if my wife had been in +Denver, but bein' in the same room with her the best Mrs. Wilkinson +could do was to finish a good second. They is one thing about the +wife, they may be dames which can knit sweaters faster than her, but +when it comes to bein' excitin' to gaze upon she leads the league! I +don't have to tell the world that, the world keeps tellin' it to me. +This here is far from our first season as matrimoniacs, and when I say +that it still makes me dizzy to look at her, you may get a idea of how +she checks up. +</P> + +<P> +But to get back to them lovely Wilkinsons, they are sittin' there on +the sofa keepin' a close eye on each other, and Alex is givin' 'em +everything he's got in the line of chatter. They're both payin' the +same undivided attention to him that the Board of Aldermen in +Afghanistan pays to the primaries in Bird's Nest, Va. Them babies is +too busy gazin' on each other and bein' happy, and while that stuff +gets silly at times—they is worse things than that. +</P> + +<P> +After we have got the introductions all took care of, the wife rushes +me down to Delicatessen Row to grab off some extry food on account of +these added starters at our modest evenin' meal. I got a armful of +these here liberty links, <I>née</I> frankfurters, and some liberty cabbage +which before the Kaiser went nutty was knowed as sauerkraut. They +ain't no use callin' off all the other little trinkets I got to help +make the table look tasty, especially as Mister Hoover is liable to +scan this and I don't wanna get myself in wrong, but when I got through +shoppin' I didn't have enough change left out of a five-case note to +stake myself to a joyride in the subway. +</P> + +<P> +Just as we're goin' to the post in this supper handicap, the bell +rings, and in come Eve, which same is no less than the blushin' bride +of Alex. They is now so many people in the flat that for all the +neighbors know I have opened up a gamblin' dive or one of them cabaret +things. Everybody is talkin', with the exception of me, which havin' +sit down to eat proceeded to do so with the greatest abandon, as the +guy says. Them three girls—the wife, the lovely Mrs. Wilkinson and +Eve, was sure some layout to have across the table, I'll tell the world +fair! They had the front row of the Follies lookin' like washwomen +durin' the rush hour, and all I did was sit there and eat and wonder +how in Heaven's name they ever come to fall for a set of guys like me, +Alex and the lovely Wilkinson. +</P> + +<P> +Well, the meal come to an end without no violence, and they was only +one time when it seemed like boxin' gloves would be needed. Even that +wasn't exactly <I>my</I> fault. From the general chatter of the lovely +Wilkinson, I figured him as a big, fatheaded, good-lookin' bonehead +whose greatest trick so far had been marryin' his wife. He got my goat +a coupla times hand runnin' by dealin' himself, first, the last piece +of bread and, second, the last potato on the table. Either one of them +things would of enraged me by themselves, but pullin' 'em together was +a open dare to me to commit homicide. I laid for him for a half hour +and fin'ly I get a openin'. +</P> + +<P> +"Mister Wilkinson is packed to the ears with ambition," says the wife +to me across the table. "He expects to fall into a lot of money very +shortly." +</P> + +<P> +"I don't see how they can be no room for him to be packed with nothin' +else," I says, "after all the meat and potatoes he put away to-night. +And as far as that fallin' into a lot of money is concerned, he must be +figurin' on stumblin' at the door of the mint, hey?" +</P> + +<P> +They is a dead silence and the lovely Wilkinson give a nervous snicker +and piled up his plate with liberty links and cabbage to hide his +confusion. Alex laughs like a hyena and Mrs. Wilkinson looks even +prettier when mad than she did when tryin' to be a charmin' guest. The +wife gimme a glance that would of killed a guy with a weaker heart and +tries to laugh it off. +</P> + +<P> +"You mustn't mind him," she says. "He's always kiddin' that way about +everything. Really—I'm—I'm so angry I don't know what to do!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll tell you what to do," I says. "See if you can get the embargo +lifted on that food down at your end of the table and ease a little +nourishment up here!" +</P> + +<P> +"He oughta leave the table!" remarks Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"You ain't talkin' to me!" I says. "I'm wonderin' if you guys will +leave the table or not. You already have eat everything else!" +</P> + +<P> +"That's right!" says the wife. "Go ahead and advertise the fact that I +have married a roughneck!" +</P> + +<P> +"My neck must of got that way from wearin' that sweater you knit me," I +says. "Hey, dearie?" +</P> + +<P> +Eve gimme a laugh, but I seen the wife was gettin' ready to bring up +the heavy artillery so I laid off. +</P> + +<P> +While the girls is seein' what soap and water will do to a pail of +dishes, I released some cigars and us strong men had a even stronger +smoke. The lovely Wilkinson seems to have somethin' on his mind and +says practically nothin', both when he talked and when he didn't. Alex +kids me about my ball team and, finely, the household cares bein' +attended to in the kitchen, we all set sail for the movies. +</P> + +<P> +The wife calls me aside, gimme a kiss and says for me to buy the +tickets. Of course after she done that I don't have to tell you who +pushed the quarters in under the cashier's window. The picture we seen +was one of them forty-eight reel thrillers and was called "Lunatic +Lily's Lover" or somethin' like that. They was a guy killed in every +reel but the first one. They was three killed in that. The picture +must of been made by the local branch of the suicide club, assisted by +a lot of candidates for the insane asylum. I'll tell the world that +the guy which wrote the scenario had at least delirium tremens. The +girls thought it was great, but I knew better and put in my time +figurin' out on the back of a envelope how many games we had to lose to +be in last place by August. +</P> + +<P> +The lovely Wilkinson gets very talkative once inside the theatre. He +starts right in on the picture and claims it's a awful thing. Every +time a guy goes over a cliff or dives off of a bridge and all the +salesladies and bankers sittin' around us gasps out loud, he speaks up +and says it's all faked with a trick camera and they ain't none of them +really doin' nothin' at all. He claims he's got a friend which used to +sell tickets for a movie theatre and he told him all about it. The +more stunts the hero of this picture does, the worse the lovely +Wilkinson gets, and it ain't long before he has captured the goat of +friend Alex, which is champion moving picture fan of the United States +and Coney Island. When the lovely Wilkinson claims that nobody in real +life could do the tricks this movie hero was pullin' off, Alex butts in. +</P> + +<P> +"How do <I>you</I> know them things can't be done?" he says. +</P> + +<P> +"Anybody but an idiot could see that!" says Wilkinson. "The idea of +trying to make intelligent people believe that this fellow with his +hair brushed back like a rabbit's could sell one of those wealthy +millionaires gold mines and the like. Why, he'd be thrown out of the +office and—" +</P> + +<P> +"No wonder you ain't a success!" butts in Alex. +</P> + +<P> +The lovely Wilkinson shows a little spirit. +</P> + +<P> +"How do you know I ain't a success?" he says. "I'm making my good +twenty-five dollars each and every week." +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh?" sneers Alex. "I once heard tell of a feller which was makin' +thirty, but I ain't sure of it because none of the newspapers said a +word about it." He turns around and lowers his voice on account of +some hisses comin' from fans in the back. "Look here!" he says. "All +jokes to one side, they ain't nothin' that this feller done in the +picture that can't be done by anybody. A man can do anything he wants +to, <I>anything</I>, they ain't no limit—if he's got enough sand to fight +his way through whatever stands in his way! I don't care what the +thing is he wants, a man can get anything if he keeps tryin' and—" +</P> + +<P> +"You hate yourself, don't you?" butts in the lovely Wilkinson, +peevishly. "I suppose you think <I>you</I> could do anything—" +</P> + +<P> +"I do not," says Alex. "I <I>know</I> it! I ain't talkin' about myself +though, I'm talkin' about you. You're a young married feller with a +sweet, beautiful, and, for all I know, sensible little wife. You +people are just startin' out, and I want to see you make good. I think +you got the stuff in you somewheres, but not to be rough or nothin' of +the sort, I must say you have been a success at concealin' it so far. +Twenty-five dollars a week ain't enough wages for nobody—as long as +they's somebody makin' twenty-six—understand? And if you get where +they pay you twenty-five dollars a <I>minute</I> instead of a week, you +wanna try and make 'em think you're worth thirty! The mistake you and +a lot of young fellers make is quittin' at a given point. They ain't +no point to quit! I bet when you was makin' eighteen dollars a week +you hustled like blazes to make twenty, but when you got up to +twenty-five you prob'ly told yourself that you was makin' as much as +most of the boys you knew and more than some, so why wear yourself out +and slave for a fatheaded boss, eh? Right in sight of the grandstand +you blew up and quit in the stretch. I bet you think right now that +you're makin' good because you're holdin' down the job, hey? That +ain't makin' good, that's stealin' the boss's money—petty larceny, and +deprivin' your future kids of a even chance—a felony! Give the boss +everything you got, and he'll pay for it. If he don't, get out and +dive in somewheres else! They ain't no place on earth where they ain't +a openin' for a live one at any hour of the day or night!" +</P> + +<P> +The lovely Wilkinson says nothin'. +</P> + +<P> +Pretty soon and much to my delight, this here picture comes to a end, +and while we're goin' out in the lobby, the lovely Wilkinson calls his +wife aside and whispers somethin' in her ear. It ain't over a second +later that we're all invited up to the Wilkinson flat for a little bite +and the like before retirin'. +</P> + +<P> +The girls starts a hot and no doubt interestin' argument about how many +purls make a knit and so forth, and the lovely Wilkinson, after +fidgetin' around a bit, calls us into another room. He closes the door +very careful. +</P> + +<P> +"I got something very personal and very important I'd like to speak to +you about," he says to Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll go out on the fire escape," I says. +</P> + +<P> +"No!" he says. "I want you to stay and hear this too." He turns to +Alex again. "I been thinking over what you said in the theatre +to-night," he begins, "and I guess you're pretty near right about me. +However, I have a big chance now to make good and get out of the +twenty-five dollar class, only, as usual, luck is against me." +</P> + +<P> +"They is no such thing as luck," says Alex. "Forget about that luck +thing, put the letter 'P' before the word and you got it! That's the +first rule in my booklet, 'Success While You Wait.' I must send you +one." +</P> + +<P> +"Thanks," says the lovely Wilkinson. "You see, I'm a salesman for a +big wholesale clothing house downtown and right at the beginning of the +war I went up to Plattsburg to try for a commission in the army. I was +rejected on account of a bad eye. While I was up there, I met Colonel +Williams, who is now practically in charge of the buying of equipment +for the army. I've been trying for months to land the overcoat +contract for my house and last week I finally got things lined up. I +have got to have one thousand of our storm-proof army coats in +Washington by five o'clock to-morrow afternoon. At that time, Colonel +Williams will see me at the War Department and I can give him prices on +various lots and so forth." +</P> + +<P> +"Why do you have to bring that many coats down?" asks Alex. "Wouldn't +a couple be enough for a sample?" +</P> + +<P> +"No," says Wilkinson. "These coats are to be given to men in a +cantonment near Washington, where they will get actual wear under +varying conditions. If I'm not in Washington with them at five +to-morrow, I'll lose my chance because, the following day, men from +four rival houses have appointments with the Colonel." +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I butts in, "what's stoppin' you from goin' to Washington?" +</P> + +<P> +"Nothing is stopping <I>me</I>," he says, "but I can't get the coats down +there with me in time! The two shipments that we have sent by freight +have gone astray somewhere and, as government supplies have the right +of way over all other shipments, the express companies will not +guarantee a delivery at any set time." +</P> + +<P> +"But them coats are government supplies, ain't they?" says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Not yet!" says the lovely Wilkinson. "Not until they are accepted. +Right now they are nothing but samples of clothing. I've gone into +that part thoroughly." +</P> + +<P> +Alex gets up and walks around the room a coupla times, throwin' up a +smoke screen from his cigar. Then he stops and looks at his watch. +</P> + +<P> +"It's now almost eleven o'clock," he says. "Where are them coats?" +</P> + +<P> +The lovely Wilkinson looks puzzled. +</P> + +<P> +"Why," he says. "Why—they're in our stock room at 245 Broadway." +</P> + +<P> +"Can we get in there to-night?" asks Alex, reachin' for his hat. +</P> + +<P> +"I have a key," says Wilkinson, "but I'm afraid I don't quite get the +idea. I—" +</P> + +<P> +"Look here!" says Alex, very brisk. "I'm goin' to deliver you and one +thousand of them overcoats outside the War Department in Washington at +five o'clock to-morrow afternoon! What will you get if you land this +order?" +</P> + +<P> +The lovely Wilkinson leaps out of his chair. +</P> + +<P> +"Why—I—," he splutters, "I—get fifteen per cent if—but you can't +get the coats there, it's impossible! Why—" +</P> + +<P> +"Never let me hear you use that word impossible' again!" snorts Alex. +"Speak United States! I spent a half hour to-night tellin' you that a +man can do <I>anything</I> if he wants to. Now look here, they ain't no +time to lose. I'll land you and your coats in Washington to-morrow on +time. That will cost your firm around a thousand dollars—the same +bein' the price of the means of locomotion. I will take your word of +honor that you will pay me twenty per cent of any profits you make on +any order you take as a result of my efforts. Is it a bargain? Speak +quick!" +</P> + +<P> +"If you are thinking of getting a special train," says Wilkinson, "it +can't be—" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes or no!" hollers Alex. "I'll take care of the rest!" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes!" yells the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin' around like some of Alex's +pep has entered his system. "If you put this over for me, I'll give +you <I>half</I> of anything I get!" +</P> + +<P> +"You're gonna put it over yourself!" says Alex. "Now listen to me. +You grab a taxi and beat it down to your stock room. Get them +overcoats ready and in about a hour I'll call there for you. We're +goin' to Washington to-night and don't be over five minutes sayin' +good-by to your wife!" +</P> + +<P> +"But—" says Wilkinson, lookin' like Alex had him hypnotized. +</P> + +<P> +"Git!" bawls Alex, and slams a hat on the lovely Wilkinson's head. +</P> + +<P> +Well, within four minutes the lovely Wilkinson has beat it, leavin' +behind a astounded and weepin' wife and Alex is on the phone callin' up +the Gaflooey Auto Company's service station and in ten minutes more he +has arranged to have a truck and a mechanic chug-chuggin' outside the +house. Then he turns to me. +</P> + +<P> +"Here is another chance for you to lose some dough," he says. "I'm +gonna take Wilkinson and his trick overcoats down to Washington by way +of a auto truck. If we leave here at midnight, we got about seventeen +hours to make 225 miles, that's an average of around thirteen miles a +hour. The Gaflooey one-ton truck can make twenty, if chased. Of +course we may hit some bum roads or lose the carburetor and so forth, +which might delay us some. What'll you bet I don't put this over?" +</P> + +<P> +I walked over to the window and looked out at New York. They is one of +them rains fallin' that generally plays a week stand before passin' on +to the next village. I figured that trip in the middle of the night, +the rain and the tough goin'. +</P> + +<P> +"Gimme a proposition," I says. +</P> + +<P> +"All right," says Alex. "Me and Eve needs some furniture for the +library. I'll bet you fifteen hundred against a thousand that I get +Wilkinson in Washington in time to put over his deal." +</P> + +<P> +"I got you," I says. "If he gets there too late to put over anything +with the War Department, I win—right?" +</P> + +<P> +"Correct!" says Alex. "And now have Cousin Alice put up some +sandwiches and the like for us. I got a lot to do!" +</P> + +<P> +Well, at five minutes to twelve that night they was a Gaflooey truck +gasolined its merry way aboard a Forty-second Street ferry. On board +it was Alex, the lovely Wilkinson, one thousand storm-proof army +overcoats and yours in the faith. +</P> + +<P> +I ain't liable to forget that trip for a long while to come, because I +got soaked to the skin—with water—and just missed gettin' pneumonia +by one cough. The rain kept gettin' worse and worse and it hadn't a +thing on the roads. We went through Trenton, N. J., along around 4 +a.m. in a storm that would of made the Flood look like fallin' dew. +The mud is up over the hubs of the truck, but it keeps plowin' along at +a steady gait with Alex and the mechanic takin' turns at the wheel. I +crawled in under some of them one thousand overcoats at Philly and went +to sleep, the last I heard bein' the lovely and half-drowned Wilkinson +callin' out the time every fifteen minutes and moanin', "We'll never +make it!" +</P> + +<P> +Mornin' brung no let up in the rain, but the old Gaflooey truck keeps +thunderin' on. Sometimes we done five miles a hour, sometimes twenty +and when this big baby was goin' twenty, believe me, it was rough +sleddin'! We run into a bridge at Wilmington, Del., and at Baltimore +we bumped a Flivver off of the road, but outside of that they was +nothin' but rain and mud and the lovely Wilkinson complainin' about the +dampness, like he was the only one that was gettin' a endless cold +shower. +</P> + +<P> +It was twenty minutes of five when we rolled into the city limits of +Washington and I'll tell the world we was a rough lookin' bunch. Alex +is grinnin' from ear to ear and slappin' Wilkinson on the back and this +guy has perked up a bit, though wishin' out loud that he was home with +coffee, bacon and eggs and Mrs. Wilkinson. I am cursin' the day that +ever brung Alex into our family circle and wonderin' if death by double +pneumonia is painful. The mechanic is fallin' asleep at the wheel, +wakin' himself up from time to time with shots out of a flask and of +lemon ice-cream sodas or something he had on his hip. +</P> + +<P> +We stopped in front of the War Department and Alex says we better +straighten up ourselves and the overcoats before callin' on Colonel +Williams. At that, the mechanic falls off the seat and dives into a +restaurant and we go back to look at the coats. +</P> + +<P> +"If any of us had any brains," says Alex, jerkin' a coat off the pile, +"we would all of worn one of these here things and kept nice and +dry—<I>Sufferin mackerel</I>!" he winds up all of a sudden. +</P> + +<P> +Me and the lovely Wilkinson swings around and there's Alex holdin' up +the coat. +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy!!!!! +</P> + +<P> +This here storm-proof army coat, which Wilkinson hoped to unload on the +U. S. army, just simply fell apart in his hands! He grabbed another +and another—and they're all alike. The rain has took all the color +outa them, they have shrunk till they is hardly enough cloth to +accommodate the buttons and the linin's, which was supposed to be +leather, has fell right to shreds from the water. All in all, they was +nothin' but a mess of soggy, muddy rags which no self-respectin' junk +dealer would of took for a gift! +</P> + +<P> +The lovely Wilkinson's face is a picture. He's as pale as the mornin' +cream and I thought for a minute he was gonna bust out cryin'. I +couldn't help feelin' sorry for the kid, but when I thought of that +wild night ride through the rain and mud to bring this bunch of garbage +to Washington, I wanted to laugh out loud! And then I remember Alex +bettin' me Wilkinson would take the order, and I haw-hawed myself +silly, right there in the street. +</P> + +<P> +"Shut up!" barks Alex, swingin' around on me. "This here is far from a +laughin' matter. It's pretty serious business!" He turns to Wilkinson +and shakes him by the shoulder. "Young man," he snaps, "is that the +kind of stuff you were goin' to put on our boys which fought for you in +France?" +</P> + +<P> +Wilkinson is lookin' at the coats like they fascinated him. +</P> + +<P> +"Why—why this is terrible!" he stammers, fin'ly. "They told +me—why—Good Heavens, you don't think <I>I</I> knew these things were made +up like this, do you?" +</P> + +<P> +Alex studies him for a minute. +</P> + +<P> +"No," he says, "I don't! You don't look like you'd do that, anyways. +What's the name of your firm?" +</P> + +<P> +"Gerhardt and Schmidt," says Wilkinson. "I know it sounds German, but +both members of the firm have been naturalized and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Never mind that," says Alex. "Even if it wasn't no worse than a +scheme to clean up on a government contract, I think the Secret Service +will be interested in seein' them coats!" +</P> + +<P> +The lovely Wilkinson sits right down on the curb and buries his face in +his hands. +</P> + +<P> +"Good night!" he moans. "I'm done for now. I thought this was going +to be a big thing for me and—" +</P> + +<P> +Alex slaps him on the back. +</P> + +<P> +"No whinin'," he says. "We're still in Washington—you can't tell what +might happen yet." +</P> + +<P> +"You can gimme that fifteen hundred berries right now if you want, +Alex," I says, "because I'm gonna grab the next train for Manhattan. +This is <I>one</I> that beat you and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Ssh!" says the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin' up suddenly. "Here comes +Colonel Williams himself!" +</P> + +<P> +We looked around and sure enough there's two army officers walkin' over +to the War Department. When they got opposite us, Wilkinson braces +himself and steps forward. +</P> + +<P> +"Pardon me, Colonel," he says. "I'm Mister Wilkinson of Gerhardt and +Schmidt. I had an appointment with you to-day at five to show you +those army coats." +</P> + +<P> +The Colonel looks at him. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, yes," he says, very pleasant. "Just step inside, Mister +Wilkinson. I'll see you in my office. You are very prompt. You must +have been caught in the downpour—you're soaking wet." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, sir," says Wilkinson. "I—ah—Colonel, I don't think there's any +use of me stepping into your office." +</P> + +<P> +"Eh—why not?" says the Colonel. +</P> + +<P> +Wilkinson turns several of the popular colors. +</P> + +<P> +"I—ah—the fact is," he says, "our coat is not what the United States +government wants, Colonel. I didn't know it at the time I solicited +the contract—I—I've just found it out. We brought the required +number of coats down here by auto truck, not being able to get them +here on time by freight or express. The trip was made in yesterday's +storm and"—he points to the mess on the truck—"there's the coats!" +</P> + +<P> +The Colonel examines a couple of them soggy rags and he gets very +severe. I heard him say somethin' that sounded like "Damn!" a couple +of times, and then he turns to Wilkinson. +</P> + +<P> +"This is a matter for the Department of Justice," he says. "You will +leave the truck and its load right here, Mister Wilkinson, and I'll +personally see that it's taken care of. Your action in coming direct +to me with this evidence is commendable. You may telegraph your firm +that the United States government is holding this shipment for +investigation. I'm sorry for your sake that this happened, as I had +all but made up my mind to give you the contract. If you desire to see +me further, I'll be in my office until six." +</P> + +<P> +With that he stamps away. The other officer who was with him has been +walkin' around the Gaflooey truck all the time and examin' it like it's +the first auto he ever seen in his life. +</P> + +<P> +"Pardon me," he says to Wilkinson, "did I understand you to say that +you made the trip from New York yesterday in the storm on this truck?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, sir," says Wilkinson. +</P> + +<P> +The officer pulls out a notebook. +</P> + +<P> +"What time did you leave New York?" he asks, very businesslike. +</P> + +<P> +Wilkinson tells him. Then the officer asks if we had any trouble, how +much gas and oil we used, what was our average speed and a million +other things. Alex's eyes begin to dance around, and he winks at me +like there's somethin' in the air. Fin'ly the officer walks away, +after thankin' the lovely Wilkinson for the information. +</P> + +<P> +"Now!" hollers Alex, grabbin' Wilkinson's arm. "You win!" +</P> + +<P> +"Win?" moans Wilkinson. "I'll be lucky if I don't go to jail!" +</P> + +<P> +"You're crazy!" bellers Alex, gettin' more and more excited. "You had +nothin' to do with this thing—you didn't know the coats was no good. +Forget about that, the thing is you got a chance right now to put over +a bigger thing than them overcoats. You come here to make a sale, +didn't you? All right, go to it! That officer is connected with the +purchasin' department of the government, and he wasted a lot of time +talkin' to you about that truck. Do you realize what a wonderful thing +that was to get down here O.K. in that terrible storm yesterday? +No—<I>you</I> don't, but <I>he</I> did! Right now he's got that there truck on +his mind. Go after him before he gets inside the buildin' and make +your sale!" +</P> + +<P> +"But," says Wilkinson, kinda dazed, "what have I got to sell? The +overcoats are—" +</P> + +<P> +"Damn the overcoats!" hollers Alex. "Sell him the truck that brought +'em down—they ain't nothin' wrong with that! If it's good enough for +a trip like that, it's good enough for the army, ain't it? Hurry up +and make an appointment with him for to-day, and I'll get you the +figures on the Gaflooey truck for a hundred or a million—I know 'em by +heart!" +</P> + +<P> +"By Heavens, I'll chance it!" says Wilkinson, and runs after the +officer. +</P> + +<P> +Comin' up on the train that night I sit in the smoker and write Alex my +check for a thousand berries. They was no two ways about it as he +showed me, because he had bet he would make Wilkinson put over a sale +in Washington. He didn't say <I>what</I> he had to sell. The lovely +Wilkinson, which has sent about five dollars' worth of night letters to +his wife, is sittin' on the other side, delirious with joy and with a +order in his pocket for one thousand Gaflooey trucks as per the one we +come down in. Alex had wired the Gaflooey people and had Wilkinson +appointed a salesman for the Washington territory on his +recommendation. Them guys would do anything for Alex, because he put +'em on the map. With telegraphed credentials from New York, the rest +was a cinch for even the lovely Wilkinson, because the truck sold +itself! +</P> + +<P> +"They is only one thing that beats me," I says to Alex before we turn +in on the sleeper. "Why didn't <I>you</I> sell the truck and make all the +dough yourself?" +</P> + +<P> +"Its a good thing you don't need brains in your game," says Alex, "or +you and Alice would starve! I wanted Wilkinson to make the sale all by +himself, because it will give him confidence, and then, again, he'll +advertise me. I get half of his commission, I grab a bonus from the +Gaflooey people for helpin' the sale along and then there's that +thousand bucks of yours, which I would of lost if I sold the trucks +myself. Also, I have put Mister Wilkinson over, and that's what I +started out to do!" +</P> + +<P> +"You win!" I says. "I don't see how you get away with it. It's past +me!" +</P> + +<P> +"Huh!" says Alex. "They ain't no trick to it at all—why say, even +<I>you</I> could of done it!" +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap06"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER VI +</H3> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +THE LITTLE THINGS DON'T COUNT +</H4> + +<P> +They's many a guy clutterin' up a pay roll for about thirty bucks a +week, which has got more brains than his boss has income tax. When he +went to school they wasn't a day that some other kid didn't wanna +murder him because he got 100 in arithmetic and the like. He passed on +to high school and even invaded college, where he dumfounded all in +hearing with his knowledge of—everything! When he was fin'ly turned +loose on a helpless world, he was so far ahead of his class that they +held special services for him and had the regular one the next day. +</P> + +<P> +Now the dope oughta be that this marvel of intelligence should be down +in Wall Street now, tellin' J. P. Morgan and etc. that the next time +they come in late for work he'd fire 'em. Well, about once in ten +thousand times this is true. Usually, however, this guy is the bird +that takes your card at the office door and says, "Sit down, Mr. +Morgan's fifth assistant secretary will see you in a moment." And then +the head bookkeeper rings a bell and this guy says, "Yes, sir," and +jumps! +</P> + +<P> +They is a reason for this, the same as for everything else outside of +the Kaiser. The swell-dressed assassin with the ladies, which writes +such beautiful figures and knows offhand how much is thirty-three times +eighty, is fast joinin' the list of non-essential industrials. They +got a machine now which can count better than him, and don't try to +make no date with the stenographer, either! He thinks his boss is a +boob, because said boss is a little bit in doubt as to what day of the +week Napoleon joined the army, and he wonders how in heaven's name a +guy as stupid as that ever got as far as he did. The answer to that +one is easy. While <I>he</I> was memorizin' the fact that A plus C equals +X, his <I>boss</I> was figurin' how to hire a brainy guy like him to count +his dough! +</P> + +<P> +The wife and I are about to set sail for the movies one night, when our +French maid from the Bronx admits a interruption by the name of Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," he says, kidnappin' my goat by treatin' himself to one of my +pet cigars, "I have run across another feller which I am on the verge +of makin' a success. I've studied his case carefully and all he needs +is to be set on the right track to bust all speed records." +</P> + +<P> +"Where did you meet this second-story man?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"He ain't no burglar," says Alex; "he's some kind of a bookkeeper, and +he's got one of the sweetest little girls in love with him you ever +seen!" +</P> + +<P> +"I thought you was married," I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Now," says Alex, snubbin' me as usual, "I want to bring him up here to +dinner to-morrow night and have you meet him as he is at present. In a +short time later I'll bring him back again, and if he hasn't made +himself a success, I'll buy you all the best dinner you ever eat!" +</P> + +<P> +"Listen!" I says. "As Hoover says, 'Food will win the war—don't eat +it!' Don't be invitin' no more guys up here to dinner. It's tough +enough to have to feed <I>you</I> three or four times a week, without you +ringin' in these guys which acts like I win them steaks and chops in a +raffle. Now I'm goin' to the movies. They's a five-reeler down at the +corner called 'She Give Her Soul!' and they ain't no man gonna keep me +from seein' that to-night." +</P> + +<P> +"Come along with us, Alex," chimes in the wife. "A couple of my girl +friends which used to be in the Winter Garden with me is in this +picture and I'm crazy to see them!" +</P> + +<P> +"Hmph!" snorts Alex. "Anybody is crazy which pays money to look at +them fool movin' pictures. If I had my way, they'd all be stopped +and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Lillian Dish is in this one," butts in the wife. "Have you seen her +lately?" +</P> + +<P> +"No!" says Alex, jumpin' up. "By mackerel, I haven't! Hurry up, we'll +be late—you people is never in time for anything! Lillian Dish, hey? +Say! Did you see her in 'What's a Wife?' She was great! Why I—" +</P> + +<P> +I dragged the both of them out. +</P> + +<P> +Promptly at seven the next night Alex comes up with his new-found +friend. I let forth a groan and told the maid to lay a couple more +plates, but to slice everything as thin as possible without cuttin' her +hands. The stranger was a tall, slim bird which wouldn't have been +bad-looking if he hadn't been so serious. He acted like it was a +felony to smile, and got my name wrong the first four times he repeated +it. +</P> + +<P> +Well, after the sound of clashin' knives and forks had died away, the +wife dolls all up and goes over to visit the hero which wed Alex; and +us strong men repairs to the parlor, where the cigars clink merrily and +the like. +</P> + +<P> +The stranger's name turned out to be S. Jared Rushton, and after a +while I figured the "S" stood for "Silly." This guy knowed more about +figures than the stage manager at the Follies. He was a hound for +numbers, dates and etc. He had a better memory than a loan shark, and +a encyclopedia would look stupid alongside of him. No matter what the +subject was, this guy knowed more about it than the bird which wrote it +and would butt in with the figures to prove it. Fin'ly, when I struck +a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of them used in New York +every fiscal year, I went out into the kitchen for air! +</P> + +<A NAME="img-036"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG CLASS="imgcenter" SRC="images/img-036.jpg" ALT="I struck a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of them used in New York every fiscal year." BORDER="2" WIDTH="722" HEIGHT="553"> +<H4 CLASS="h4center" STYLE="width: 722px"> +I struck a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of them used in New York every fiscal year. +</H4> +</CENTER> + +<P> +At first it was kinda interestin' and entertainin' to get the inside +dope on <I>everything</I> at practically no cost, but they is such a thing +as bein' <I>too</I> clever; and when it become impossible to speak of +anything on earth from bankin' to beer, without this bird buttin' in +with all the figures on it, I got enough! I tried to yawn him into +goin' home, and he notices I got two bum teeth. That furnished him +with a scenario for tellin' me that every year 490,517 people is +treated by dentists in New York alone, and I says I can't help it and +he mustn't of got a wink or sleep the night he counted 'em. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh," he says, "it's very simple. I carry all those figures in my +head." +</P> + +<P> +"Why not?" I says. "They's plenty of room there!" +</P> + +<P> +He looked kinda peeved; but before he could come back at me, Alex takes +things in hand. +</P> + +<P> +"Jared," he says, "you are certainly a educated citizen. With all them +interestin' facts and figures in your head you must be very valuable to +the firm you work for, hey?" +</P> + +<P> +Jared throws out what chest he had with him. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," he says, "I saved the Hamilton Construction Company just +$6,547.98 last year by cutting down the excessive use of lead pencils +and blotters alone!" +</P> + +<P> +"That's fine!" says Alex. "No doubt they give you a handsome bonus for +that, hey?" +</P> + +<P> +"Of course," says Jared. "They raised my salary to thirty-five dollars +a week. I was only getting thirty-two and a half." +</P> + +<P> +"You saved them six thousand last year and they raised you about a +hundred and thirty, eh?" says Alex. "Now, listen! Why couldn't you +have made that six thousand for <I>yourself</I> just as easy?" +</P> + +<P> +"Why—I—why—" stammers Jared. "I have no chance to make anything but +my salary. I'm simply working there, and—" +</P> + +<P> +"And you always will be, if you don't get wise to yourself!" butts in +Alex. "Your boss—" +</P> + +<P> +"My boss, eh?" sneers Jared. "Say, he hasn't got the brains of a gnat! +He'd be absolutely up in the air if I wasn't at his elbow with data and +estimates on everything. He doesn't know anything, and—" +</P> + +<P> +"No, I guess not!" butts in Alex, with a odd grin. "He don't know +anything—only how to make money! Say, listen! If this boss of yours +is such a boob, what must <I>you</I> be? You're <I>workin'</I> for him, ain't +you? Why should he have any brains, when he can rent yours for +thirty-five dollars a week? Now, listen to me, son. You know a little +about everything on earth, with the slight exception of yourself! The +figures that should interest you more than anything else is these: For +every dollar <I>you</I> make, your boob boss is makin' a thousand. Ever +figure them statistics along with the other stuff?" +</P> + +<P> +Jared registers embarrassment. "Look here!" he says. "I really don't +see the reason of all this. I consider myself quite successful. I may +not be making a million a week, but I'm always sure of my job, and +that's quite a lot!" +</P> + +<P> +"You're always sure of your job, hey?" bawls Alex. "That's the slogan +of the quitter! 'I'm gettin' my little old salary fifty-two weeks a +year, and that's good enough for me.' That's the motto of the loser." +With that he jumps up and sticks his face so close to Jared I thought +he was gonna bite him or the like. "What about the future?" he +hollers. "You must have brains, or you couldn't of collected that mass +of junk in your dome. You got a million dollars' worth of salable +stuff from the top of your collar to the crown of your derby and you're +peddlin' it away for thirty-five a week. I'll bet right now you could +produce a scheme for gettin' a quarter that would be unbeatable, +legitimate, and successful. But if you was asked to dope out a scheme +for gettin' twenty-five thousand dollars, the size of the figures alone +would knock that thinker of yours cold! You can't think that big. +Your mind's all cluttered up with little things. It's a junk pile. +The same concentration and perseverance on some one <I>big</I> thing would +put you over—and if you don't believe it, ask your boob boss, which +undoubtedly did just that and is now keepin' you!" +</P> + +<P> +"That's all rot!" remarks Jared. "There's about one chance in a +million of getting over in New York. You've got to get in right, and +even then it's largely a matter of luck! If I was ever asked, I'd tell +every young man to keep away from New York. The town's too big! It +swallows you up and you're buried there till—" +</P> + +<P> +Zam!!! Alex bounces outa his chair and shakes his finger under Jared's +nose. +</P> + +<P> +"That's not true!" he hollers. "Listen to me, young feller! I came +here a short time ago with one-tenth of the ability that you got. New +York looked as cold and hard to me as it does to any rube that slinks +in from the outlands, crazy with the desire to capture it. But instead +of drivin' me back to the dear old farm, the tough conditions here +<I>attracted</I> me. That is, takin' for granted your statement that they +are tough, which I don't believe. I know that a man with the genuine +goods can deliver them here at top price quicker than any other place +on earth." +</P> + +<P> +"But wait!" interrupts Jared, seemin' to catch some of Alex's pep. +"Your case was exceptional. You must admit—" +</P> + +<P> +"I don't admit nothin'!" roars Alex. "Suppose your argument is true. +Let's say the chances for success here <I>are</I> slim. All right, fine! +That's what made <I>me</I> stick! Your own argument makes New York <I>the</I> +place to make good in. If there's satisfaction in winnin' over one man +or a thousand, think of a hard-won square victory over six millions! +Why, boy, the very quality of the competition here keeps a man on his +toes and, if he makes good <I>here</I>, he's <I>done</I> somethin'!" +</P> + +<P> +Well, believe me, when Alex wound up that speech they was so much pep +in the room I felt like goin' out and tellin' Rockefeller I'd forgot +more about the oil game than he ever knew! Jared looks kinda dazed and +Alex never gives him a chance to get set. +</P> + +<P> +"How about—ah—Miss Evans?" he says; "have you thought about her?" +</P> + +<P> +"See here!" busts out Jared. "We won't discuss Mab—er—Miss Evans." +</P> + +<P> +Alex grins. +</P> + +<P> +"That's fine!" he says. "I'm glad you got some spirit left; they's +hope for you yet! Let's see," he goes on, like they had been no +interruption at all, "how long have you known Miss Evans?" +</P> + +<P> +"Over a year," says Jared. "But I don't see what—" +</P> + +<P> +Alex points a finger at him. +</P> + +<P> +"You love her, don't you?" he barks out. +</P> + +<P> +"Of course I do!" mumbles Jared, like he's answering without knowin' it. +</P> + +<P> +"Then why don't you marry her?" +</P> + +<P> +Jared stares at him like he's in a trance. +</P> + +<P> +"<I>Marry</I> her?" he gasps. "Marry her? Why if I ever asked her <I>that</I>, +she wouldn't even let me call on her any more!" +</P> + +<P> +"You're crazy!" remarks Alex pleasantly. "Now listen, son! You been +goin' around with that girl over a year, and if she didn't reciprocate +your feelin' for her, you wouldn't of lasted that long. Jared, old +boy, a year is too long to monopolize a girl without declarin' +yourself! You're spoilin' her chances, and it's dead wrong! They is +plenty of other young men which would give their left eye to take her +to the movies and the like, but they're layin' off because, havin' +always seen her with you, they take it for granted they is no chance. +That's fine right now for both of you; but if anything should arise +that would make you two part, it won't be as easy for her to replace +you. Now you need a incentive, and a strong one, to put you across. +They is no bigger incentive on earth than matrimony. Go to her and +ask—" +</P> + +<P> +"One minute!" butts in Jared. "I never was talked to like this in my +life before, and why I'm permitting you to discuss my personal affairs, +I don't know. As long as I am, I'll go through with it. What you say +may be true, but this girl is different, and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Jared," says Alex, "I don't doubt that she's different, but, +nevertheless, she's a member of the well-known female sex, and I'm +basin' my dope on that! I'll tell you what I'll do with you. You ask +Miss Evans to marry you, and, if she refuses, I'll give you a job +myself for fifty dollars a week; fifteen more than you get now. If she +accepts, you gotta raise yourself by your own efforts to fifty dollars +a week within six months, or go to work for me for twenty. Now if you +got some red blood in you, let's see it!" +</P> + +<P> +Well, Jared gets up and walks around the room for a minute and fin'ly +he comes over and holds out his hand to Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"You're on!" he says. "Only, I'll say this: If Mabel—er—Miss Evans, +accepts me, I'll be so happy that I won't be good for <I>any</I>thing for a +month. If she refuses me, I'll <I>never</I> be any good any more! However, +I'll try it. Perhaps I've been asleep. I don't know. But if this +girl ever marries me—" He stops and bangs his fists on the table. +"Oh, boy!!!!" he winds up. +</P> + +<P> +Just then they is a ring at the telephone. The maid makes a entrance +and claims Mr. Jared Rushton is wanted. In about five minutes, Jared +comes back and apologizes. +</P> + +<P> +"My boss, Mr. Hamilton," he says. "I've always got to let him know +where he can get in touch with me after office hours. I gave him your +phone number before I came here to-night." He turns to Alex. "That's +what it is to be a valuable man," he says. "The boss wants me to get +all the data together for an estimate on one of the biggest contracts +we've ever had a whack at. That means I'll be up all night, so I'll +have to leave now. Our four big contract experts are scattered 'round +the country and the boss will have to go after this one himself +to-morrow. There will be a conference at the Hotel Dubois, and—" +</P> + +<P> +Alex jumps up, his eyes flashin'. +</P> + +<P> +"Why can't <I>you</I> go after that contract?" he shoots out. +</P> + +<P> +Jared looks like he's been hit on the chin. +</P> + +<P> +"<I>Me</I>?" he stammers. "Why—why—" +</P> + +<P> +"Why, why, nothin'!" butts in Alex. "Here's a chance for you to show +Miss Evans, your boss, and the rest of the world what's in you. If +your boss calls on you for the figures in this thing, then you must +know more about it than he does, or anybody else in the office. Can +you get him on the phone?" +</P> + +<P> +"But—but I have never sold anything in my life!" says Jared. "You +don't understand this thing at all. It requires experience and—oh, +it's silly to even think of it! Why—" +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh?" butts in Alex. "What's his number?" He rushes to the phone. +</P> + +<P> +"Say, listen—please!" pleads Jared; "it's not a bit regular and—why, +he'd fire me out of hand if I ever did anything like this!" +</P> + +<P> +"The number!" bawls Alex, with the receiver off the hook. +</P> + +<P> +"Riverside 33,312," stammers Jared, wringin' his hands. "But look +here, you mustn't—" +</P> + +<P> +Alex gets the number and Jared falls back in a chair, and mutters +somethin' about bein' ruined for life. In another minute, Alex is +announcin' to somebody that Mr. Jared Rushton wishes to speak to Mr. +Hamilton on a matter of the greatest importance. Jared lets forth a +wail like a dyin' fish or the like, and then Alex grabs him by the arms. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, go to it!" he says. "Tell him you want a chance at this contract +yourself. Say you know more about it than anyone else and have been +plannin' the thing for weeks. You don't <I>think</I> you can land this +contract—you <I>know</I> it!" +</P> + +<P> +"But," wails Jared, "I <I>don't</I> know—" +</P> + +<P> +Alex shoves him over to the phone. +</P> + +<P> +Well, the funniest conversation you, I, or anybody else ever heard +begins right then and there. Jared starts off kinda weak and tremblin' +and I felt sorry for him, because from his answers it looked like a +cinch that he was fired. Pretty soon he gets a little stronger, and in +a few minutes he was talkin' like the boss was workin' for <I>him</I>! The +only way I can figure it is that Alex had hopped him up so much that he +got to where he believed himself that he was the only man on earth that +could land this contract. When Jared says if he don't get this chance +he's gonna quit his job right then and there and the boss can look +elsewhere for the estimate figures, I almost fell off the couch, and +Alex does a war dance. +</P> + +<P> +Bang! Jared slams down the receiver and swings around on Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," he snaps out, "you've done it! I am to be at the Hotel Dubois +at eleven to-morrow to meet the representatives of one of the biggest +steel concerns in the country. I'm to take from them a contract +running into millions. If I don't get it, I'm fired. If I do get +it—well, there's no use talking about that part of it, because I +won't!" +</P> + +<P> +With that he sinks into a chair and buries his head in his hands. Alex +keeps right on top of him. +</P> + +<P> +"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands together. "Now call up Miss Evans +and ask her to marry you!" +</P> + +<P> +"What?" shrieks Jared, bouncin' up from his chair. "What is this? A +nightmare? You've already probably cost me my job, and now you want to +wreck my happiness! I was a fool to listen to you. I—" +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" says Alex. "Let's get her on the phone right away." +</P> + +<P> +Jared looks wildly around the room and grabs for his hat. Alex pushes +him back in a chair. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, you listen to me!" he snarls, all the grin gone from him. "You +are at this minute facin' the biggest thing that's ever come into your +thirty-five-dollar-a-week life. You got a chance now to rise above the +mob. You also got a chance to marry what is the greatest girl in the +world, accordin' to your own admission. If you ask her to marry you +<I>before</I> you go after this contract and she accepts you, think of the +confidence you'll have! Why, boy, if this girl says she'll marry you, +they ain't nothin' in New York can stop you from goin' over the top! +Go on! You're all worked up now—go to it before you get cold!" +</P> + +<P> +Jared grabs up the phone receiver, pale as a ghost. +</P> + +<P> +"By heavens!" he says. "I—you—if—Gimme Morningside 77,638, quick!" +</P> + +<P> +Alex closes the door and pulls me into the other room. +</P> + +<P> +"That there's gonna be private," he says. +</P> + +<P> +"Where did you meet this Miss Evans?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"H'mph!" grunts Alex. "I never seen the girl in my life! Jared simply +told me about her, that's all!" +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I says, "you certainly have balled things up. They ain't a +doubt in my mind but that you've made that poor boy lose his job; and +as far as I can see you're gonna make him lose his girl, too! I'd hate +to be you when he staggers away from that phone!" +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh?" grins Alex. "Well, I'll tell you somethin': As long as I'm +goin' to all this trouble, I might as well get somethin' outta it. +I'll bet you ten thousand to five the girl marries him and he lands the +contract. If he loses either one, or both, you win!" +</P> + +<P> +"Write it!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +He hain't no more than handed the thing over to me, when in comes +Jared. His face is all flushed and he acts like a guy walkin' in his +sleep. +</P> + +<P> +"I know neither of you will believe it," he says, in a far-away voice. +"In fact, I think I'm dreaming, myself!" +</P> + +<P> +"What did she say?" demands Alex, shakin' him. +</P> + +<P> +"She said yes!" hollers Jared, in a voice that must of woke up sleepers +in Kansas City. "Let me have my hat, I want to go over to her right +away!" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, what do you think of my dope now, hey?" says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"I'll never be able to thank you for what you've done for me!" says +Jared, holdin' out his hand. "Why, just imagine! This wonderful girl +is going to be my wife and I had no more idea—Why, this girl is as +different from any other as—But you wouldn't understand—" +</P> + +<P> +"I understand perfect!" says Alex, shakin' his hand. "And now the next +thing is that contract, which should be a cinch for you after what you +just done. Go over and see her now, but don't forget them figures on +the—" +</P> + +<P> +"Contract?" butts in Jared, jammin' on his hat. "What's a contract to +me now? I'm going to marry the greatest girl in the world, man! Can +you imagine her accepting me! Oh, boy!!!!!" +</P> + +<P> +With that he does a few little fancy steps around the room, throwing a +twenty-dollar pillow at Alex and a book at me. +</P> + +<P> +This here's a new angle, and Alex grabs him. +</P> + +<P> +"Look here!" he says. "I know you're in a hurry, so I don't want to +hold you up now; but you wanna recover from this here till you land +that contract! You'll lose your job if you don't, and you ain't gonna +start off married life outta work, are you?" +</P> + +<P> +"I should worry!" sings Jared, still one-steppin' about the room. "I +can get another job—forty of 'em! I can get anything at all, now. +She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!" +</P> + +<A NAME="img-068"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG CLASS="imgcenter" SRC="images/img-068.jpg" ALT=""She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="515" HEIGHT="613"> +<H4 CLASS="h4center" STYLE="width: 515px"> +"She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!" +</H4> +</CENTER> + +<P> +He dashes for the door, and Alex runs after him. +</P> + +<P> +"What time is the appointment with the big steel men?" he shrieks in +his ear. +</P> + +<P> +"What's a big steel man to me?" asks Jared, struggling to get away. +"What's anything? I'll bet she would have accepted me long ago if—" +</P> + +<P> +"What time is that conference?" howls Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"I care not!" sings Jared, throwing the phone book up in the air, and a +idiotic grin at me. "I'm going to have a quiet wedding and—" +</P> + +<P> +I thought Alex was gonna choke him! +</P> + +<P> +Personally, I developed a bad case of the hystericals. +</P> + +<P> +"The time?" screams Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Eleven o'clock," says Jared. +</P> + +<P> +"Will you promise me on your word of honor to meet me at that hotel at +ten to-morrow, in view of what I done for you?" says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" hollers Jared. "I'll promise anything! Look what's been +promised to me!" +</P> + +<P> +With that he breaks away from Alex and dives out the door. +</P> + +<P> +Alex comes back and sinks down into a chair, wipin' off his fevered +brow with a handkerchief. +</P> + +<P> +"That baby is a plain nut!" I remarks. +</P> + +<P> +"Whew!" pants Alex. "I started somethin' now, that's sure! Still, I +don't blame the boy. I felt the same way when Eve claimed she'd wed +me, and I guess you did too when Alice went temporarily insane and +brung you into the family. If I can keep him keyed up to that pitch +to-morrow, he'll land that contract, and I'll land your five thousand!" +</P> + +<P> +"He won't land nothin'!" I says. "He's gone nutty now, and you'll be +lucky if he shows up at all. This here's <I>one</I> bet I win!" +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh?" snaps Alex, gettin' up and reachin' for his hat. "D'ye wanna +take five thousand more of it?" +</P> + +<P> +"No!" I says. "Good night!" +</P> + +<P> +At nine forty-five the next mornin', which is practically the middle of +the night for me, Alex comes around and drags me outta bed. He says +he's goin' down and watch Jared put the contract over and he wants me +along to witness the losin' of my bet. +</P> + +<P> +We are in the lobby of the hotel gettin' ready to have Jared paged, +when along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from the +Follies when Ziegfield was busy countin' up the receipts or somethin'. +I'll tell the world fair she was <I>some</I> girl. +</P> + +<P> +She's lookin' at Jared like he was the eleventh wonder of the world, +and he's gazin' back at her like she was the other ten. +</P> + +<P> +"Hello!" hollers Alex, grabbin' Jared's hand and makin' believe it's a +pump handle. "Congratulations! I wish I felt as happy as both you +folks look!" +</P> + +<P> +"You couldn't!" says Jared, still with that dazed look on his face. +"This is my future wife, gentlemen. We're on our way down for the +license now. Come on along as witnesses. We're going to be married +right—" +</P> + +<P> +"What about that steel contract?" Alex butts in. "Did you get the +figures all together last night?" +</P> + +<P> +"I did not!" says Jared. "What do I care about a steel contract? I +landed a bigger contract than that, and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Pardon me," interrupts the girl, with her million-dollar smile. "What +is this contract regarding the steel?" +</P> + +<P> +Alex tells her the whole dope from start to finish, and when he gets +through the girl turns to Jared and says the followin': +</P> + +<P> +"Well, dear, I suppose this horrid old business could wait, but just +run up and land that contract for a—a—wedding gift for me! It +shouldn't take you very long. I'll wait here for you." +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy!!! Talkin' about "just runnin' up and landin'" a +million-dollar contract like she was sendin' him for stamps or the like! +</P> + +<P> +"All right, honey," says Jared; "I'll be down in five minutes!" +</P> + +<P> +They was <I>fifteen</I> minutes partin'. +</P> + +<P> +Alex and Jared and I got in the elevator, and on the way up Jared +talked about nothin' else but his comin' marriage. When Alex tried to +butt in and ask regardin' the estimate for this steel job, Jared gets +peevish and says that will be a cinch and is practically over with; but +what's worryin' him is the best place to go for a honeymoon! +</P> + +<P> +We are met at the door of the room by a little bald-headed guy, and +Jared introduces himself. The little guy looks at us and says he +presumes we are Jared's associates—whatever that is. Before Jared can +deny the charge, Alex presents him with a kick on the shins and says we +are all of that. +</P> + +<P> +Inside, they is a long table and four more guys sittin' at it. They +all look like Wall Street and large money, and the table is covered +with papers. Jared sits down and begins hummin' "Here Comes the +Bride," and we sit down beside him. One guy gets up and says they have +talked with five big contractors already, and they ain't made up their +mind which bid to accept. If Jared can show them somethin' better than +they've seen, the order is all his. Jared pulls out his watch and gets +up. +</P> + +<P> +"Gentlemen," he says, "I have an appointment with my future wife in +five minutes. I will be on time! I don't know what these other +fellows have offered to do for you, but I'll say this: We can erect +your plant for exactly $1,789,451.92. That's our lowest price, and if +we talked all day I couldn't take off a cent! My concern is known all +over the country for the sterling quality of workmanship and materials +it employs on every job, whether it's the erection of a lamp post or a +city—and we've done both! We will be pleased to list you among the +thousands of our satisfied patrons." +</P> + +<P> +With that he reaches for his hat and would of been out of the door, if +Alex hadn't held him back with a look. +</P> + +<P> +"But," says one guy, "your figures are more than ten thousand dollars +over your nearest competitor's. How about that?" +</P> + +<P> +Jared is starin' out the window. +</P> + +<P> +"I figure we can get a nice flat in the Bronx for about eighty a +month," he says, half to himself. "What do you pay?" he finishes, +turnin' to Alex. +</P> + +<P> +Alex says nothin', and the five guys look at each other kinda funny. +</P> + +<P> +"When could your firm begin work?" asks one of them. +</P> + +<P> +"Immediately!" says Jared. "I'm going to use your phone here for a +minute and telephone my future wife. She's downstairs waiting and will +be worried sick—I said I'd be right back!" He walks across the room, +while them guys all stare after him like they're in a trance +themselves. "Still," mutters Jared, "she mightn't like to live in the +Bronx at that!" +</P> + +<P> +While he's on the phone, the five guys puts their heads together and +has a whispered conference. By the time he's finished, so are they. +</P> + +<P> +"Mr. Rushton," says the little guy, gettin' up and clearin' his throat, +"we have decided to give you the contract. Your methods of +salesmanship are somewhat unusual—but they may be due to your extreme +confidence, which anybody can see is the right kind of stuff in that +line and—" +</P> + +<P> +The little guy goes on with a lot of talk about figures, to which Alex +and me listens respectfully and Jared don't listen at all. And fin'ly +the little guy says again that they're gonna give Jared the contract, +and mebbe, if his future wife is waiting— +</P> + +<P> +"Thanks!" says Jared. "She <I>is</I> waiting and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Shall we draw up the contract now?" butts in Alex. "They's a notary +on this floor." +</P> + +<P> +In half a hour we are down in the lobby again, havin' had to hold Jared +by main force long enough to sign this thing. The first guy we bump +into is his boss! +</P> + +<P> +"Where have <I>you</I> been?" he hollers at Jared. "I suppose you've +botched everything all up. I'll be the laughing stock of New York! +Where are those figures for that steel contract?" +</P> + +<P> +Jared looks at him for a minute like, Who is this person? Then he +reaches into his pocket and pulls out the contract. +</P> + +<P> +"Here's your old contract!" he says. "I'm going to take a month off. +I'm going to get married. When I come back I want seventy-five dollars +a week to start and a job as head of the contract department. And, +also—don't never yell at me like that again." +</P> + +<P> +I thought his boss would die of apoplexy then and there. He stares at +Jared, snatches the contract, reads a few lines—and then I got the +idea he was gonna kiss all of us! +</P> + +<P> +"My boy, you're a wonder!" he says. "I always knew you had the stuff +in you! I'll discuss—the—er—the matter of your salary when you come +back." +</P> + +<P> +"We'll finish it right now!" butts in Jared. "I don't want nothing +worrying me while I'm on my honeymoon. Do I get that or don't I?" +</P> + +<P> +"But," stammers the boss, "your commission on that contract alone will +run—" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes or no!" says Jared very cold. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes!" says the boss, with a sigh that could be heard in Harlem. "No +wonder you landed that contract if you went after them that way! I've +been asleep!" +</P> + +<P> +"No," says Jared, "I've been doing the dreaming." +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap07"></A> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER VII +</H3> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +ART IS WRONG +</H4> + +<P> +Every time some guy goes over the top to notoriety and money in this +movie called life, they is some 5,678,954 also rans which wags their +heads from side to side and says, "Well—no wonder. He was born that +way and couldn't help himself!" Then, they go back to their dub jobs +and wish they was lucky. +</P> + +<P> +That stuff is all wrong! A guy may be born with different color hair +from the next guy, but he's never born with any secret of success that +the kid in the adjoinin' crib ain't got. All you need to be born with +in order to get the world familiar with your last name is the usual +number of arms, legs and etc. and a mad habitual yearnin' to make good +that a sudden hypodermic of success don't kill. Anything but failure +is possible to a hustler, and by a hustler I don't mean one of them +breezy birds which makes a lotta noise, thinks they is only one letter +in the alphabet and that's the one after "H," but the guy which takes +setbacks as encouragement and quits tryin' the day the undertaker is +called in. +</P> + +<P> +They's many a big artist whose ancestors thought paint was used for the +sides of barns only, they's many a famous actor whose father figured +Shakespeare was the name of a puddin', they's many a big league author +come from families which confined their readin' matter to the city +directory, and so it goes all along the line—Columbus's old man was a +cotton picker. You don't inherit success, you take it by force, usin' +your ambition, nerve and ability as the weapons. +</P> + +<P> +The above information was handed on to me by Alex. He says Broadway is +too narrow and Vermont moonlight had it lookin' dark at night and he +then proceeds to wed one of the prettiest girls that ever looked over +the Winter Garden footlights—she makes homemade bread now, too! The +first time he went to the Metropolitan Opera House he claims he'd like +grand opera if they wouldn't sing and when does the acrobats come out, +yet the next week he's able to take a apartment on Riverside Drive. +This here is just a few of the things Alex done to break up the dull +monotony of life in a burg where that and death is mere incidents. +</P> + +<P> +The wife and I is sittin' together in the parlor one night and she's +knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make me off her for life, +whilst I'm readin' aloud to her from the only novel in which true love +and the like don't win out in the end. It's called "Simpson's +Universal Educator" and the subject we are on is how wet is the +Pacific, or some such hot stuff as that. They is a ring at the bell +and the wife grabs the book outa my hand and slings about thirty +dollars' worth of wool over my arms. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-102"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG CLASS="imgcenter" SRC="images/img-102.jpg" ALT="She's knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make me off her for life." BORDER="2" WIDTH="517" HEIGHT="747"> +<H4 CLASS="h4center" STYLE="width: 517px"> +She's knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make me off her for life. +</H4> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"Sit up straight," she says, "and look interested in this! You're +helpin' me knit—get that? Look as if you like it and the minute the +door opens call me dear." +</P> + +<P> +"What's the idea?" I says, sittin' there with my arms out straight and +stiff before me like a doll or the like. "I don't get—" +</P> + +<P> +"Sssh!" she whispers. "That's probably Ruth Hopper and her husband. +She's trying to get him to quit playing pinochle all night and she +wants to show him what a ideal husband does." +</P> + +<P> +"A pinochle fiend, hey?" I says. "Well, lead him on! We got a little +game down at the corner and he'll just make up the set. It's gettin' +around time for me to leave anyways. I been in a half hour now and—" +</P> + +<P> +Well, at that moment our charmin' maid leads in no less than Alex and +his wife Eve. Speakin' of good lookers, this dame would make Morgan +forget about Wall Street, and she's wearin' a dress that must of put +some Fifth Avenue store over. But the wife begins bein' pleasant to +gaze upon and a delight to the naked eye where Eve leaves off. Why, +she's got a movie contract which she holds over my head every time I +stay out till ten o'clock and the like. Them two dames in the one room +is more than the average guy can stand and how they ever come to fall +for a coupla guys like me and Alex is a subject for bigger brains than +mine. They say women is peculiar, hey? Well, it's a good thing for +the average guy that they are! +</P> + +<P> +"Well!" remarks Eve, lookin' from me to the wife. "How perfectly +sweet! If you two only knew what a pretty picture you make!" +</P> + +<A NAME="img-214"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG CLASS="imgcenter" SRC="images/img-214.jpg" ALT=""How perfectly sweet! If you two only knew what pretty picture you make!"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="472" HEIGHT="797"> +<H4 CLASS="h4center" STYLE="width: 472px"> +"How perfectly sweet! If you two only knew what pretty picture you make!" +</H4> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"Yeh," I says, gettin' up and dumpin' the near sweater on the table. +"You'd almost think we wasn't married, hey?" +</P> + +<P> +"Speaking of pictures," says the wife, allowin' Alex to kiss her—a +thing I loathe, "let's all go down and see 'Wronged By Mistake.' They +tell me—" +</P> + +<P> +"Nothin' stirrin'," I butts in. "I wanna see Beryldine Nearer in 'The +Woman Which Lost.' She's some dame, believe me! If I was the leadin' +man in her pictures I'd work for nothin'." +</P> + +<P> +"Is that so?" says the wife, her voice as cold as Cape Nome. "Why +didn't you marry her then instead of me?" +</P> + +<P> +"She didn't ask me till it was too late," I says, grinnin' like a wolf. +</P> + +<P> +"Here, here!" says Alex. "How is it you people is always quarrelin' +every time I come here for a visit?" +</P> + +<P> +"We figure you'll get sore and beat it," I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, boys," says Eve, "let's forget we are all one family and be +friends. Why aren't you folks out celebratin' peace to-night?" +</P> + +<P> +"We wasn't invited," I says. "And I have bought my last ticket from a +speculator." +</P> + +<P> +"Invited?" says Eve, which always takes everything except Alex serious. +"Why, all New York seems to be on Broadway!" +</P> + +<P> +"That's what people from Chicago always thinks," I says. "But they's +more to the town than that." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, hush that near comedy," says the wife. "C'mon, we're going to see +'Wronged By Mistake.'" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll see Beryldine Nearer," I says in a loud and angry voice, "or we +don't go nowhere!" +</P> + +<P> +We went to see "Wronged By Mistake." +</P> + +<P> +The movin' picture company which is responsible for this film claims it +cost them $100,000 to make the picture. Maybe it did, I don't know. +What I do know is that it cost me $1000 to see it! Why? Lend me your +ears, as the dumb guy said. +</P> + +<P> +The hero of this here picture was no less than Carrington De Vire. +This guy's name is familiar in burgs where they don't know if Wilson or +Washington is still president of the United States. His name is on +more collars than you ever seen and he gets more money a week than you +and me makes in six years, even if you cut his advertised salary in +half. He's prob'ly caused more girls to take their pens in hand than +any massage cream in the world and to say he is a handsome dog is like +remarkin' that the Grand Canyon is pleasant to look at. The only +magazine which ain't printed his photo at least once with a auto, a +country place and a coupla trick dogs at his side is the <I>Hardware +Trade Review</I> and the <I>Steamfitters' Friend</I>. +</P> + +<P> +The minute Carrington De Vire appears on the screen and gives the +natives a treat by presentin' one and all with a pleasant smile, the +wife and Eve begins to rave about him out loud. He kisses the leadin' +woman and they let forth a sigh which would of made me jealous only I +got too much brains. The villain slams him, prob'ly because he got +sick of lookin' at the big fathead, and the women groans. He knocks +the villain kickin' and they applaud their hands off and when he fights +his way through a gang of supes which will lose their jobs if they +don't fall when he hits 'em, I thought most of the female part of the +audience would pass away with joy! +</P> + +<P> +"I think he's simply wonderful, don't you?" murmurs Eve to the wife. +</P> + +<P> +They is no argument about it. +</P> + +<P> +Alex give a snort. +</P> + +<P> +"If they's anything wonderful about that feller," he says, "then I'm +more astonishin' than wireless. Anybody can do that stuff! Why—" +</P> + +<P> +"Why, the idea!" butts in Eve. "I actually believe you're jealous. I +think Carrington De Vire is simply divine—marvelous!" +</P> + +<P> +"Wait till you see Niagara Falls," I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Both of them are jealous," says the wife. "I'm surprised at Alex +saying that any one could act as well as Carrington De Vire. Why, I +think he's got Faversham beaten a mile. You have to be born with +talent like that!" +</P> + +<P> +"I think the wife's right in one thing at last," I says. "I like them +male movie heroes and carbolic acid the same way, but you got to hand +it to this bird—he's <I>some</I> actor! Yep, Alex, you can't learn that +stuff out of no book, you gotta be born with it." +</P> + +<P> +"You're all crazy!" announces Alex, with another snort. "I can go out +right now and dig up a dozen fellers which never seen a camera in their +life and they'll duplicate anything Carrington De Vire ever did on a +screen. Where does he get off to be wonderful? Some feller with +brains writes a play, another feller with money puts it on and then +another feller with technical knowledge tells De Vire, which ain't got +none of them things, where to stand and the like while he acts it. +Why—" +</P> + +<P> +"Ridiculous!" butts in Eve. "Carrington De Vire has extraordinary +talent. He has thousands of admirers all over the country. +Why—why—he's famous!" +</P> + +<P> +"Of course," says the wife. "It's too silly to talk about. Alex has +reached the stage now where he thinks he can do anything!" +</P> + +<P> +"Yeh?" says Alex. "Well, I reached the stage where I thought I could +do anything about three minutes after I was born! I'll bet right now I +can go down to the docks or some place and get a handsome stevedore and +make him as big a star as Carrington De Vire in six months!" +</P> + +<P> +"Don't be idiotic," laughs Eve. "Imagine a stevedore as a moving +picture star!" +</P> + +<P> +"Why not?" demands Alex, lookin' like the idea had made a hit with him. +"Ain't a stevedore as good as anybody else? I'll bet a thousand +dollars even that I can catch one or somebody like him and make him a +movie star. What d'ye say?" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll say this," I says. "We come here to see this picture and not to +hear you make a speech. This here's a theatre and not no race track +and forget about that bettin' thing. If you can make a movie star out +of a stevedore, I can make a watch outa a hard boiled egg!" +</P> + +<P> +They is some people behind us which can't see the picture on account of +us talkin' and they begin to hiss at us. It bothers Alex the same as +rain worries a duck. +</P> + +<P> +"Is they steam escapin' somewheres?" he remarks, turnin' his head. +"Why, brakemen have became railroad presidents," he goes on, +"bootblacks have became bankers, prize fighters have turned evangelists +and the United States has went dry. Why shouldn't a stevedore become a +movie star?" +</P> + +<P> +"We'll all become throwed outa here if you don't keep quiet!" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Ssh, Alex," says the wife. "Don't get so excited about it. There's +no use attempting the impossible and—" +</P> + +<P> +"They ain't nothin impossible!" butts in Alex. "I'm willin' to prove +it. Why don't somebody bet me, hey?" +</P> + +<P> +"Why don't you hire Madison Square Garden for that speech?" hisses a +guy behind us. "Heavens, what a pest!" +</P> + +<P> +"Call the usher," puts in a dame with him. "Them people has did +nothin' but talk since they come in here!" +</P> + +<P> +"What d'ye want us to do—sing?" growls Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Alex, be still!" whispers Eve. "I've missed the whole picture through +your talking. Now we'll have to stay and see it all over again." +</P> + +<P> +"Have a nice time," says Alex, gettin' up and grabbin' my arm. "We'll +wait outside for you. One dose a day of Carrington De Vire is all I +can take!" +</P> + +<P> +The bunch in back glares at us and says somethin' about what a crime it +is to let drunken men come into a theatre. +</P> + +<P> +Outside on the pavement, Alex lets forth a snort and whiffs the fresh +air like it was wine. +</P> + +<P> +"Think of my wife sittin' in there and worshippin' that big stiff," he +snarls. "And yours, too!" +</P> + +<P> +"We all have our faults," I says. "I knowed a guy once which was crazy +over fried parsnips." +</P> + +<P> +"They ain't nothin' to laugh at in this," he says, slappin' his hands +together. "I ain't a jealous man, but no movie hero is gonna be no god +to my wife!" +</P> + +<P> +"Why don't you go in the movies yourself, then?" I says. "They might +hire you for a picture with Carrington De Vire in it, and you can knock +him kickin' in five reels or the like." +</P> + +<P> +"Huh!" says Alex, "what do I care about the movies? I got a better +plan than that and it will accomplish the same purpose. I'll show Eve +and the rest of you how easy it is to be a movie hero—I'll make money +out of it, too!" he adds, with the old glitter in his eyes. +</P> + +<P> +"What are you gonna do?" I says. "Speak quick, I can't stand +excitement!" +</P> + +<P> +For answer he takes me into the hotel across the street and leads me +into the writin' room. He sits down and writes on a piece of paper for +a minute and then he hands it to me. +</P> + +<P> +"Cast your eyes over that," he says, "and if it's satisfactory—sign +it!" +</P> + +<P> +This is what I read, +</P> + +<P> +"I, Alex Hanley, agree to hire one handsome, tall and perfectly built +stevedore, longshoreman, truck driver or some one engaged in a equally +honest profession, one who has never appeared before a camera or upon +any stage and who has no knowledge of theatricals, and within six +months from date to make him a full fledged, acknowledged star of the +moving pictures. +</P> + +<P> +"In the event of said undertaking being successful, the undersigned +agrees to pay Alex Hanley one thousand dollars. In the event of +failure, Alex Hanley agrees to forfeit the same sum." +</P> + +<P> +I handed it back to him. +</P> + +<P> +"Listen!" I says. "Don't be a nut <I>all</I> your life. You got as much +chance of—" +</P> + +<P> +"Did you ever see me fall down on anything?" he butts in, dippin' a pen +in the ink and handin' it to me. +</P> + +<P> +"Not even a banana peel," I admits. "But they is a limit to +everything—even the war's over. In the first place, even if you could +do this, it would cost you more than a thousand dollars and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Leave that to me," he says, pushin' over the pen. "And sign here!" +</P> + +<P> +"But—" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Hurry up, the ink will be dry," he cuts me off. +</P> + +<P> +I give in. +</P> + +<P> +"Alex," I says. "This is a crime! If I ever win one bet in my life, +I'll win this one. You'll make a movie star outa a stevedore, hey? +Why—" +</P> + +<P> +"Want a thousand more?" he grins pleasantly. +</P> + +<P> +"No!" I hollers. "Let's go over and meet the girls." +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +The search for the future king of the movies begins merrily the next +day. I went with Alex to see that he didn't put nothin' over on me and +at the end of the week he had dug up three promisin' leads. They was a +plumber's helper which had a wonderful figure, but a scar on his cheek +showed up in a snapshot Alex took of him and he was laid aside with a +sigh. Then they was a waiter which was better lookin' than Mary +Pickford, but a trifle stoop-shouldered. The third guy was hustlin' +baggage at Grand Central Station and was a perfect Venus except for +some missin' teeth which queered him when he smiled and what's a movie +hero without a smile? +</P> + +<P> +Well, I'm havin' the time of my life kiddin' Alex, when one day as we +are walkin' along Third Avenue in search of his prey, he grabs me by +the arm, yells, "I got him!" and starts across the street on the run. +They is a big truck standin' there and a husky on the back of it is +engaged in coaxin' pig iron off of it on to the street. He stood about +six foot three without bein' shaved and weighed accordingly, all bone +and muscle not countin' his head. He turns around and—Oh, boy!!!! +</P> + +<P> +Say! I seen some good lookers in my time, male and female, but this +baby had it on 'em all! His hair is that black, wavy kind that the +cabaret hounds wish they had and he's got a skin like a week old baby. +He must of painted his teeth with enamel twice a day and he's there +with a pair of eyelashes that would make a chorus girl take carbolic. +On the level, he's so handsome he don't look real—and that with all +the signs of honest toil at the truck on him, too! Alex taps him on +the shoulder and he swings around. +</P> + +<P> +"What's yours?" he growls. +</P> + +<P> +"I have come to make your fortune," announces Alex with a grin. Then +he turns to me. "Ain't he a peach, hey?" he says. +</P> + +<P> +The big guy drops the pig iron and looks from Alex to me. +</P> + +<P> +"What kinda stuff is this?" he growls. "What d'ye mean I'm a peach?" +</P> + +<P> +"You are the luckiest man in New York," says Alex. "I have come to +make you famous and rich!" +</P> + +<P> +The big guy grins. +</P> + +<P> +"Listen!" he says. "They're awful tough on hop fiends in this burg now +and they'll be a copper along in a minute, so you better duck. I know +you guys is no less than J. P. Morgan and John D. Rockefeller, if not +more, and you'll gimme a million dollars in nickels if I'll tell you +where to get a layout. But I ain't got the time, I gotta get this +stuff off here and—" +</P> + +<P> +With that he turns around and goes to work again. +</P> + +<P> +"Drop that iron!" says Alex. "You'll never soil your hands with manual +labor again." +</P> + +<P> +"Hey!" snarls the big guy. "Git away, will you? I always feel sorry +for you dope fiends, but if you guys don't lay off me, I'll bounce the +two of you. Now, beat it!" +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I says to Alex, "he's ignorant anyways. We got that part all +settled and—" +</P> + +<P> +"Look here!" says Alex, darin'ly grabbin' the big guy by the arm. +"We're neither dope fiends nor maniacs. I want to ask you a few +questions and, if your answers suit me, I'll hire you for a hundred +dollars a week to do special work for me. To show you I'm not foolin', +take this for your trouble whether we do business or not." +</P> + +<P> +With that he hands him a twenty dollar bill. +</P> + +<P> +"Aha!" yells the big guy. "Coupla counterfeiters, hey?" He snatches +the bill and grabs Alex. "So you guys want me to pass this for you—I +got it!" He starts to drag Alex along the pavement and half Third +Avenue stops to watch it. "I'll git a reward for this!" I heard him +mutter. +</P> + +<P> +Alex throws him off—he's stronger than he looks. +</P> + +<P> +"You better not take that head of yours into no pool room," he snarls, +"or somebody'll get two billiard balls and play with it for a set. +Take your hands off me and listen. That bill is as good as the inside +of a church. C'mon into this store and I'll prove it!" +</P> + +<P> +They's somethin' about Alex that makes this guy hesitate, and Alex +pulls him into a cigar store, whilst I shoo away the disappointed crowd +which looked for manslaughter at least. +</P> + +<P> +In a minute they come out. The big guy has twenty single bills in his +hand and a dazed look on his face. Alex is grinnin'. +</P> + +<P> +"Now are you satisfied?" says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +The big guy shoves the dough in his overalls. +</P> + +<P> +"The sugar seems O.K.," he says. "Say! I gotta work a week for that +much dough, so I might as well give you five minutes of my time. +What's the idea, hey?" +</P> + +<P> +"Now, Delancey Calhoun," says Alex, "how would you—" +</P> + +<P> +"Wait a minute!" grins the other guy. "I knowed they was a ball up +somewheres. Where d'ye get that Calhoun stuff? My name's Tim O'Toole." +</P> + +<P> +"Not no more!" says Alex, returnin' the grin. "From now on it's +Delancey Calhoun—get that?" +</P> + +<P> +"A nut is a funny thing," says O'Toole, pressin' the dough in his +pocket. "But—sure, I'm Delancey Calhoun! That's a swell name at +that—it sounds like a Lenox Avenue apartment house. What d'ye want me +to do, outside of that?" +</P> + +<P> +"How would you like to be a actor?" says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"Nothin' doin'!" says Delancey. "I got a steady job and I'm too fond +of eatin'." +</P> + +<P> +"Don't be a fool!" says Alex. "That stuff about actors not eatin' +regular is a thing of the past. These days a actor makes more money +than a banker. Did you ever appear on the stage anywheres in your +life?" +</P> + +<P> +"I did not!" snarls Delancey. "And I can lick the guy which claims I +did!" +</P> + +<P> +"Fine!" says Alex, lookin' at me. "Now of course you've seen movin' +pictures, hey?" +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" says Delancey. "What d'ye think I am—ig'rant?" +</P> + +<P> +"Not at all," says Alex. "Do you think if you had a chance and was +well paid for it, you could do the things them heroes does in the +movies?" +</P> + +<P> +Delancey Calhoun, née Tim O'Toole, throws out his chest from here to +South Dakota. +</P> + +<P> +"Do I <I>think</I> so?" he says. "Why, say, pal—that stuff would be soft +for me! I ain't no second Mary Pickford or the like and Chaplin might +grab off more laughs to the reel than me, but when it come to this here +cowboy and full dress stuff—Oh, lady!!!" +</P> + +<P> +"You're hired!" hollers Alex, slappin' him on the back. "Startin' +right now your salary is a hundred a week. Drive that truck back to +where it belongs and throw up your job." +</P> + +<P> +"A hundred a week, hey?" says Delancey, rollin' his eyes. "Oh, lady!! +In a month I'll have Carnegie gnashin' his teeth!" He breaks off and +swings around on Alex. "Look here!" he says, "I been drivin' this +truck for two years. I got a good steady job from eight in the mornin' +till ten at night, and I get twenty berries a week for it. I don't +know nothin' about this nut job of yours, but if I don't get my hundred +every week—well, they's gonna be a funeral with you bein' featured in +it, get that?" +</P> + +<P> +"That's all right," says Alex. "I'll deposit your first six months' +salary in the bank for you—how's that?" +</P> + +<P> +"What could be sweeter?" says Delancey. "They's just one other thing." +</P> + +<P> +"Speak up!" says Alex. +</P> + +<P> +"As long as I'm gonna be a movie actor," says Delancey, "do I get a +dress suit to wear?" +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" says Alex. "Why?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well," grins Delancey, "I never had one of them open faced suits on in +me life and in fact I was savin' up to get one now. I'm simply nutty +to put on one of them layouts and knock the innocent onlookers silly. +If you hit a tough week, I might take ninety-five bucks and let the +rest go over a few days, but I gotta have the dress suit and that goes!" +</P> + +<P> +"It's yours," says Alex, diggin' me in the ribs. +</P> + +<P> +"All right," says Delancey, "I'll go down now and make the boss faint +by quittin'. I'll meet you anywheres you says to-morrow." +</P> + +<P> +"You will not," says Alex. "I'll ride right down on that truck with +you now!" +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +About two weeks later, Alex comes up to the flat and tells me to put on +my hat and cane. He says he's gonna take me over to the studio and +show me Delancey Calhoun's first picture. +</P> + +<P> +"So you're really goin' through with it, hey?" I says. "What company +did you get him landed with?" +</P> + +<P> +"The Par-Excellence Feature Film Company," he says. +</P> + +<P> +"I never heard tell of it," I says. "Who's in back of it?" +</P> + +<P> +"A young feller by the name of Alex Hanley!" he comes back, grinnin'. +</P> + +<P> +"What?" I hollers. "D'ye mean to say you started a movie foundry to +put this guy over?" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll leave it to you," he tells me, "when we get to the studio. Let's +go!" +</P> + +<P> +On the way over he shows me a lot of the advertisin' copy with which +he's gonna introduce Delancy Calhoun to the waitin' world. I must say +it was hot stuff! It claims that Delancey Calhoun is the sole heir to +the $20,000,000 left by the late Artemus Calhoun which died twenty +years ago. The will was given to his lawyers, Sandringham, Bellew and +Fitch, with instructions not to open it for twenty years. When it was +opened, it was found that them twenty millions was left to his only +nephew, Delancey. Alex has opened a law office downtown under the name +of Sandringham, Bellew and Fitch, so's to take care of the reporters +and other guys of a inquisitive nature. Then comes the kick. +</P> + +<P> +Delancey, a handsome and accomplished young giant, is tired of the +"sham and deceit" of his own "exalted social set" and it's his ambition +to wed a girl of the common people and let her enjoy some of the +millions his hard-fisted uncle wrung from their toil. He also has +another aim in life and that is to accomplish a sweepin' reform of the +movie game. He's always been a great fan himself, but he's sick of the +impossible plays which has been foisted on a innocent and nickel +spendin' public. Therefore, he has organized his own movie company, +will produce his own pictures from real life stories of the eternal +struggle, and last but not least, he'll appear personally in them +himself, to gratify a whim he's had since he first looked over the side +of a cradle. He thinks the average movie hero is sickenin', and he +wants to show the world how a real hero would act. He will appear in +twelve pictures only. Each will be a episode in the greatest mystery +story ever written entitled, "What was Hector's Choice?" Every single +female in the country is invited to see this picture and send in their +solution of the mystery. <I>The one that comes nearest to the correct +answer will become the bride of Delancy Calhoun and his twenty million +bucks</I>. +</P> + +<P> +Oh, boy!!! +</P> + +<P> +"Alex," I says, "I'll tell the world this is great stuff! It must be +gonna cost you a bunch of money. Where do you get off?" +</P> + +<P> +"Your head and glue is the two thickest things I ever seen," he says. +"Where do I get mine, hey? I get it from the sale of the pictures this +bird makes. In a coupla months they'll be riots in theatres all over +the country to see this guy in the movies!" +</P> + +<P> +"Maybe," I says. "But how are you gonna pull 'em in? Right off the +bat he's gotta compete with Chaplin, Mary Pickford and the like." +</P> + +<P> +"I didn't wanna spring my ace so soon on you," he says, "but I guess I +got to. How am I gonna pull 'em in? This way—<I>single women will be +admitted free at every theatre where this picture is shown</I>!" +</P> + +<P> +Wheee!!!! +</P> + +<P> +"You're there, Alex!" I admits. "But suppose the men and married women +stays away?" +</P> + +<P> +"Stays away?" he says. "They'll break their way in! The married women +will wanna see Delancey and get a idea of what they missed, and the men +will wanna see what this big fathead looks like, if only to kid him." +</P> + +<P> +"What kind of a actor is he?" I says. +</P> + +<P> +"Wait till you see him," says Alex. "He's got the studio standin' on +its ear! He thinks he's the greatest actor the world ever seen and +everybody else from the director to the camera men is dubs. He refuses +to fake any of the fight scenes and I gotta pay supers ten bucks a day +to take his wallops. The first time he had a love scene with the +leadin' lady he thought it was on the level and went out and got a +marriage license. He argued two hours in favor of real bullets for the +duel he fights with the villain and refused to play a scene supposed to +be in Alaska because the studio's in Jersey. He claims the guy which +wrote the scenario escaped from a lunatic asylum and he plays the +second two reels his own way. I've had three different casts work with +him because he gets them all sore by his kiddin' them about art. He +takes everything in dead earnest and tried to beat up the villain on +the street twice because he's supposed to hate him in the picture. +But—this first episode is <I>some</I> film!!!" +</P> + +<P> +I seen the picture in the private projectin' room and Alex told the +truth when he called it "<I>some</I> film." In fact that there would of +been as good a title for the whole picture as the one they had. They +was more adventures happened to Delancey Calhoun in them five reels +than Robinson Crusoe, Columbus, Kit Carson and Davy Crockett had in +their combined lives! He was a heart-breaker one second and a +head-breaker the next. He had insisted to Alex that one villain wasn't +enough for him to foil, so they had about a dozen and he trimmed 'em +all. They was also several heroines for him to save and clasp on his +manly bosom, which same he did in evenin' clothes only. It was nothin' +for him to save a maiden in distress from a sinkin' ship and the next +second appear in a lifeboat with a dress suit on, rowin' for shore. No +matter if the scene was mornin' or night, Alaska or the Sahara Desert, +Delancey was there in his little dress suit. He would of parted with +that and his left eye with the same willingness. +</P> + +<P> +Apart from the film itself, which might of been good or might of been +bad, but certainly was excitin' for your life, Delancey was a riot! He +was the handsomest thing I ever seen on a screen and I don't blame all +the dames in the studio for fallin' for him. In that treasured dress +suit of his which cost Alex as much as a limousine, they ain't no woman +on earth that wouldn't get a thrill when she looked at him, provided he +didn't start no conversation. He looked class—that's all they is to +it! +</P> + +<P> +When we come out from seein' the picture, Delancey is walkin' around +the studio, still with the dress suit on. He's tellin' one of the best +directors in the country how to properly produce a movie and said +director is takin' it hard. He breaks off when he sees us. +</P> + +<P> +"Hello!" he says. "Well, what d'ye think of me? I'm a knockout, hey?" +</P> + +<P> +"Easily that," I admits, shakin' his hand. "How d'ye like bein' a +actor?" +</P> + +<P> +"Rotten!" he says. "This stuff is the bunk and them actors gimme a +pain. I think they're all nutty. How they get money for this hop is +past me! All I do all day is pretend I'm this and pretend I'm that and +the foreman of this layout keeps yellin', 'Register fear!' and stuff +like that at me. I don't know why this friend of yours is givin' me +money for this, but I bet they's a catch to it somewheres!" +</P> + +<P> +"Isn't he simply delicious?" says the leadin' woman, with a fond glance +at Delancey. +</P> + +<P> +"Delicious, hey?" he snorts. "What d'ye think I am—a pie?" +</P> + +<P> +They is a vampire there and she turns up her nose. +</P> + +<P> +"I think he's impossible!" she says. "He hasn't the slightest +conception of art." +</P> + +<P> +"Lemme alone!" growls Delancey. "I'm as good a actor as you guys is, +if not better. Where d'ye get that art stuff?" +</P> + +<P> +"Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked all your life to +acquire ignorance, for no one was ever <I>born</I> as stupid as you! All +you have is your looks." +</P> + +<A NAME="img-252"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG CLASS="imgcenter" SRC="images/img-252.jpg" ALT=""Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked a your life to acquire ignorance, for no one was ever <I>born</I> as stupid as you!"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="512" HEIGHT="668"> +<H4 CLASS="h4center" STYLE="width: 512px"> +"Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked a your life to acquire ignorance, for no one was ever <I>born</I> as stupid as you!" +</H4> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"Yeh," snarls Delancey. "And all Rockefeller's got is a billion!" +</P> + +<P> +At this point Alex stepped in and prevented bloodshed. +</P> + +<P> +Well, Delancey is as big a success as a movie star as Boston is as a +town, and within a month he's swept the country like a new dance. That +stuff about him bein' a millionaire and willin' to marry the girl which +guesses the answer to the mystery in "What Was Hector's Choice?" caught +on with the ladies like cold cream and his handsome map did the rest. +His picture is plastered all over the country and kids which barely +knowed their A, B, C's, is familiar with his name. His mail arrives +daily in freight cars and Alex had four guys workin' on nothin' but +autographin' his photos for "A Admirer" and "Your Unknown Friend." +Alex got a quarter the each for said photos to cover the "wrapping and +mailing charges" and made a nice little profit on the side. +</P> + +<P> +With all this success, though, Delancey Calhoun kept his head. He +never appeared at no banquets, addressed meetin's on "The Future of the +Motion Picture Industry," or as much as glanced at the daily slew of +mail. When the dames around the studio cast languishin' glances at his +handsome form, he glared at 'em like a infuriated turtle. If one of +'em remarked that it was a nice day by way of startin' a slight +flirtation, Delancey would answer that he couldn't help it, and walk +away. He never spent a nickel foolishly or at all, and when the auto +agents swooped down on him, he borrowed cigars from them and beat it. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-308"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG CLASS="imgcenter" SRC="images/img-308.jpg" ALT="When the dames cast languishing glances at his handsome form, he glared at them like an infuriated turtle." BORDER="2" WIDTH="517" HEIGHT="702"> +<H4 CLASS="h4center" STYLE="width: 517px"> +When the dames cast languishing glances at his handsome form, he glared at them like an infuriated turtle. +</H4> +</CENTER> + +<P> +The most astonishin' thing, though, was the way he acted about the +movies durin' his career as a star. He never stopped claimin' that the +whole thing was the bunk and that it was idiotic for a grown person to +put on a wig and take off the old banker or the like, when they was +only a fifty buck a week actor. He insisted that anything as silly as +the movies was could never last and they was more real money in the +truckin' business for a man that knew the game as he did and had plenty +of wagons. When Alex argues with him and says that many of the big +stars makes fifty thousand a year, he tells Alex to stop usin' opium +because it'll get him in the end. +</P> + +<P> +At the end of three months, Delancey has made Alex pay him a percentage +of the receipts and a salary of a thousand a week, but his opinion of +the movie business is unchanged. He explains the fact that he's makin' +plenty of money out of it by sayin' that Alex must be takin' it out of +his own pocket and is simply makin' pictures to cover up his real game, +which is prob'ly safe crackin'. Alex throws up his hands and lets him +be after that one. +</P> + +<P> +Fin'ly the last picture is made and Alex gives out the information to a +expectant world that a girl in Brisbane, Australia, has won the +guessin' contest and Delancey Calhoun's hand, and the famous star will +sail immediately to wed her. The newspapers all prints pictures of 'em +both, Alex gettin' the lucky dame's by photographin' his stenographer. +A couple of papers didn't get neither and runs pictures of Brisbane, +Australia, so's to be on the job anyways. Then Alex collects the +thousand bucks I bet him that he couldn't make a movie star outa a +truck driver and prepares to break the news to his wife and mine that +he has done the same. He figures this will kill forever their wild +infatuation for Carrington De Vire, the idol of the screen. +</P> + +<P> +At that point, Delancey Calhoun walks into the office. +</P> + +<P> +"Ah, Delancey," says Alex, "I was just gonna send for you. Now that +our original contract has expired, let me congratulate you. You done +great and far better than even I expected. You're famous the world +over and must have a good sized bankroll if you've stayed in at nights +and kept away from race tracks and the like. I only intended this as a +experiment, but it has gone over so big that I want you to sit down +here and sign a contract for five years at the biggest salary you ever +heard of. We'll make the greatest pictures the world—" +</P> + +<P> +"Wait a minute!" butts in Delancey. "Don't rave no more. My name is +Tim O'Toole again and not Delancey, which sounds like a collar. I'm +sick and tired of movin' pictures and that big salary stuff is as much +bunk as the rest of it. I ain't goin' around rescuin' nutty dames, +beatin' up supes which is supposed to be the desperate smugglers and +divin' off bridges no more! I'm goin' to make a honest livin' and I've +bought out the truckin' business I was workin' for when you come along +and made a movie star and a simp outa me. I'll be takin' in money +there long after the movies is gone and all the pictures I'll ever move +from now on will be loaded on one of my wagons. Fare-thee-well, and I +hope they's no hard feelings. If they is, I ain't gonna sob out loud +over it!" +</P> + +<P> +For a minute Alex was speechless. Then he comes to and works a hour +tryin' to get the ex-Delancey Calhoun to change his mind. They was +nothin' doin'. In fact, Delancey walked out and left us flat in the +middle of Alex's wail. +</P> + +<P> +Well, anyways, Alex still had one satisfaction left and that was to +prove to Eve and the wife that he had put over a truck driver as a +movie star. He done it after dinner that night and if he caused any +sensation, I failed to see it with the naked eye. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Eve, "that proves my argument." +</P> + +<P> +"Proves <I>your</I> argument?" hollers Alex. "Didn't you claim movie stars +was born, and didn't I take a truck driver and make him famous at it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," says Eve. "And then he went back to the trucking business, +because he wasn't born an artist and the whole thing seemed silly to +him. He couldn't stand the make-believe any longer, because he had no +imagination, no art—nothing but the stupid ability to make money!" +</P> + +<P> +Alex sinks down in a chair and throws up his hands. +</P> + +<P> +"Can you beat a woman?" he asks me. +</P> + +<P> +"Not in this state," I says. "It's against the law." +</P> + +<P> +"Come!" says Eve. "You boys are just in time. Carrington De Vire is +down at the Palace in 'The Arctic Sunflower.' I'm crazy to see it. I +think he's wonderful!" +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<P CLASS="finis"> +THE END +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR><BR> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Alex the Great, by H. C. Witwer + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALEX THE GREAT *** + +***** This file should be named 29763-h.htm or 29763-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/7/6/29763/ + +Produced by Al Haines + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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C. Witwer + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Alex the Great + +Author: H. C. Witwer + +Illustrator: Arthur William Brown + +Release Date: August 22, 2009 [EBook #29763] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALEX THE GREAT *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + + + +[Frontispiece: Along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped +from the Follies when Ziegfeld was busy countin' up the receipts or +somethin'.] + + + + +ALEX THE GREAT + + +BY + +H. C. WITWER + + + + Author of "From Baseball to Boches," + "A Smile a Minute," etc. + + + +ILLUSTRATED BY + +ARTHUR WILLIAM BROWN + + + +BOSTON + +SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY + +PUBLISHERS + + + + +Copyright, 1919, + +BY SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY + +(INCORPORATED) + + + + +DEDICATED TO + +RALPH T. HALE + +--EDITOR OF SMALL, MAYNARD AND COMPANY-- + +MY PUBLISHER--BUT STILL MY FRIEND + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAPTER + + I INTRODUCING ALEX THE GREAT + II THE SELF-COMMENCER + III PLAY YOUR ACE! + IV DON'T GIVE UP THE TIP! + V YOU CAN DO IT! + VI THE LITTLE THINGS DON'T COUNT + VII ART IS WRONG + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + + +Along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from the + Follies when Ziegfeld was busy countin' up the receipts or + somethin'. . . . . . . _Frontispiece_ + +I struck a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of them used in New +York every fiscal year. + +"She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!" + +She's knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make me off her for +life. + +"How perfectly sweet! If you two only knew what a pretty picture you +make!" + +"Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked all your life to +acquire ignorance, for no one was ever born as stupid as you!" + +When the dames cast languishing glances at his handsome form, he glared +at them like an infuriated turtle. + + + + +ALEX THE GREAT + + +CHAPTER I + +INTRODUCING ALEX THE GREAT + +Girls, listen--if friend hubby comes home to-night and while hurlin' +the cat off his favorite chair, remarks that he's got a scheme to make +gold out of mud or pennant winners out of the St. Looey Cardinals, +don't threaten to leave him flat and accuse him of givin' aid and +comfort to the breweries. Turn the gas out under the steak, be seated +and register attention--because maybe he _has_! + +Scattered around all the department stores, coal mines, butcher shops, +the police force and banks, there's guys which can sing as well as +Caruso, lead a band better than Sousa, stand Dempsey on his ear, show +Rockefeller how to make money or teach Chaplin some new falls. Yet +these birds go through life on eighteen dollars every Saturday with +prospects, and never get their names in the papers unless they get +caught in a trolley smash-up. They're like a guy with the ice cream +concession at the North Pole. They got the goods, but what of it? As +far as the universe is concerned it's a secret--they're there with +chimes on, but nobody knows it but them! + +Y'know this stuff about us all bein' neck and neck when we hit the +nursery may be true, but, believe me, some guys are born to run second! +They get off on the wrong foot, trailin' the leaders until the +undertaker stops the race. They plod through life takin' orders from +guys that don't know half as much about any given thing as they do; +they never get a crack at the big job or the big money, although +accordin' to Hoyle they got everything that's needed for both. Take +Joey Green who used to be so stupid at dear old college that the +faculty once considered givin' him education by injectin' it into his +dome with a hypodermic. At forty he comes back to the campus to make +'em a present of a few new buildin's out of last month's winnin's from +the cruel world. Where is Elbert Huntington, which copped all the +diplomas, did algebra by ear and was give medals for out-brainin' the +class? Where is _he_, teacher? And the echo chirps, "Workin' for Joey +Green, drawin' twenty a week and on the payroll as No. 543!" + +The answer to this little thumb sketch is easy. Elbert Huntington had +brains and Joey Green had confidence. Elbert _expected_ to dumfound +the world with what he knew, and Joey _did_ dumfound it with what he +didn't. Now if Joseph made good with nothin' but nerve, what could a +guy do that had brains and nerve both? + +I'll tell you. + +After we won the world's series in 1914 and the dough had been divided +up to the satisfaction of everybody but the guys that was in on the +split, me and the wife had figured on one of them trips to Europe. You +prob'bly know the kind I mean, "$900 and up. Bus to hotel on fifth +morning out included." I had looked forward to this here expedition +for thirty years, like a guy looks forward to eight o'clock the night +he's gonna call on his first girl. We had learned French and Eytalian +off of a phonograph record and from givin' them spaghetti dives a play. +Also, I had collected a trousseau that would of made John Drew take +arsenic if he'd ever of flashed me when I was dolled up for the street. + +Prob'ly you have seen somethin' in the papers about how the old country +was closed to traffic right then. From what I hear it was all dug up +like lower Broadway and tourists had to detour by way of So. America, +so we never got nearer Europe than the Williamsburg Bridge, and you +can't see a thing from there. + +Well, when we found out that as far as trips to Europe was concerned +they was nothin' stirrin', the wife took both bank books and went down +to Lakewood, while I stayed in New York as a deposit on the new flat. +I went to the station with her and I'll betcha from the fond farewells +we give each other, people must of thought she was gonna take the veil +or somethin', instead of just goin' to entomb herself in Jersey for a +month. I swore I'd be in every night at ten, although that's kinda +late to start out for the night, and she promised not to get in no +bridge melees where the sum they battled for was over six bits. Then +we took some more bows on the lovin' good-by stuff, and I'm alone in +the big city. + +I managed somehow to live through the day, but the next afternoon I +lured a bunch up to the flat for a little pinochle. I begin by +invitin' two guys, but by the time we got to Harlem we was a dozen +strong. Once inside the portals, it turns out that only six of them is +wild about pinochle, so the rest of 'em take up the rugs, start the +victrola and give themselves up to dancin'. Pretty soon the telephone +rings with great violence. I grabbed the receiver and learned it was +the woman which lives underneath. + +"Them steamfitters you got rehearsin' up there has got to call it a +day!" she says. "Otherwise I'll moan to the landlord. The chandelier +has left the ceilin' already and four pieces of my chocolate set is +busted. I never heard tell of such carryin' on!" + +"Wait till you been here a little longer," I says, "I ain't carryin' +on, me and some boy friends of mine is tryin' to kill a dull afternoon +and--" + +"If them's friends makin' that racket," she butts in, "I hope I have +moved when your enemies call! What am I gonna do about that chocolate +set, hey? D'ye hear--there goes another piece!" + +"If I was in your place," I tells her, "I'd drink coffee, and if your +furnishings is all as frail as that chocolate set you're featurin', you +better grab hold of the piano, because I'm gonna sneeze!" + +"Don't you dare make no cracks about my furniture!" she yells. "I got +my opinion of what you do for a livin' when you can afford to be home +in the daytime!" + +"I make chocolate sets," I says. "We're workin' on one now and--" + +"Wait till my husband comes home!" she cuts in. "He'll take care of +you!" + +"I don't need nobody to take care of me," I comes back, "I'm self +supportin'." + +"Why don't you let go there?" yells Eddie Brannan. "Are you and that +dame doin' an act or what?" + +Zip! she hangs up and just then the front door-bell makes good. + +"See who it is!" I calls to one of the gang, sittin' in the game again. +"Tell 'em I'm in Brazil and--" + +Oh, boy! + +One of them dead silences took place in the hall and--in walks the wife! + +For the next five seconds it was so quiet in that flat that a graveyard +would seem like a locomotive works alongside of it. Joe Leity starts +to whistle soft and low, Abe Katz opens the dumbwaiter and looks down +to see what kind of a jump it is and I dropped a hundred aces on the +floor. The rest of the gang eases over to the door. + +"Why--ah--eh--ah, what does this mean?" I says kinda weak. "I thought +you had went to Lakewood." + +"Well," she says, turnin' the eyes, that used to fill the Winter Garden +every night, on the gang, "where d'ye figure I am now? I'll give you +three guesses!" + +"Ahem!" says Joe Leity, "I guess I'll blow! I--" + +"Me, too!" pipes the gang like a chorus and does a few more vamps to +the door. + +"Why don't you introduce your friends?" says the wife. "Or maybe you +just run across these boys yourself when you come in, heh?" + +"Excuse!" I says. "This here's Joe Leity, Abe Katz, Phil Young, Red +Dailey, Steve--" + +"Never mind callin' the roll," she butts in. "I'll let it go en masse. +I'm delighted to meet you all, and I hope you won't run away simply +because I'm here." + +"Oh, no--not at all--we ain't runnin' away!" they says. + +"There's no reason for you boys _runnin'_ anyways," the wife goes on, +"because the elevator is right outside now and I think the boy is +holdin' the car for you--" + +They blowed! + +"And now," says the wife to me, "what d'ye mean by bringin' them +plumbers up here for a union meetin', eh?" + +"Don't be always knockin'!" I answers, gettin' peeved. "Them boys is +all honest and true, even if they do look a little rough to the naked +eye. But how is it you come back to-day when you wasn't due for a +month?" + +"You're tickled to death to see me, ain't you?" she asks, pullin' the +pout that formerly helped sell the magazines. + +To be level with you, I was--mad and all. + +"Why, dearie!" I remarks, kissin' her. "You know I--" + +"Easy with the oil!" she cuts me off. "Get on your hat and coat; we're +goin' right down to Grand Central Station." + +"Don't you think it's liable to tire you, honey," I asks her, "runnin' +back and forth from Lakewood like this?" + +"I'm not goin' to Lakewood, Stupid," she says. "We're goin' down to +meet Alex Hanley--of course you remember him?" + +I threw in the self-starter on the old brain, but there was nothin' +doin'. + +"No!" I says. "To come right out with it--I don't. I realize though +that he must be a lu-lu when we're goin' down and meet him at the +station. What did he do--lick Dempsey?" + +"Idiot!" says the wife, callin' me by her favorite pet name. "He's my +cousin." + +Oh, boy! + +We was goin' down in the elevator and I sunk in the seat with a low +moan. In the short space since me and the wife had been wed, I had met +her father, six brothers, four nephews, three cousins and a bevy of her +uncles. They all claimed they was pleased to meet me, though they +couldn't figure how their favorite female relative come to fall for +me--and then they folleyed that lead up with a request for everything +from a job to ten bucks. + +"All right, dearie," I says, finally, "I'm game! Believe me, though, +while your family is all aces to me on account of bein' related to you, +I often find myself wishin' that you had been an orphan!" + +"I could of married a couple of millionaires!" sighs the wife. "And to +think I turned 'em down for you!" + +"If you had married a _couple_ of millionaires, you would of been +pinched!" I says. "What d'ye think this cousin of yours will want to +start off with, from your affectionate husband?" + +"Nothin'!" she tells me. "Alex never asked a favor in his life. +Believe me, this one is different!" + +"I can see that from here!" I says. "If you claim he won't take me for +something he's different, all right. In fact I can hardly believe he +belongs to the family at all." + +"I was brought up never to brawl in the open," says the wife, "so I'm +lettin' your insults go. This boy is fresh from the mountains of +Vermont. He's never been to New York in his life and he's comin' here +now to make his mark." + +"I'll lay you eight to five I'm the mark!" I says. + +We was at the station then, so we had to practise self-denial and quit +scrappin'. The wife explained that she had hardly got to Lakewood when +she found a telegram there from her cousin Alex sayin' that he was +comin' down for a visit. So she beat it right back to meet him, not +wantin' the poor kid to breeze into a town like New York, all by his +lonesome. + +Well, we stand in the middle of the waitin'-room like a couple of boobs +for a while, and then a guy, which I figured must be a college devil +bustin' into a new fraternity, comes gallopin' across the floor, slams +a suitcase down on my foot and throws his arms around the wife's neck. +He had on a cap which could of been used as a checker board when you +got tired of wearin' it, a suit of clothes that must of been made by a +maniac tailor and the yellowest tan shoes I ever seen in my life. If +he had been three inches taller and an ounce thinner, you could of put +a tent around him and got a dime admission. On his upper lip, which +was of a retirin' disposition, he had a mustache that was an outright +steal from Chaplin. + +I watched him and my wife embrace as long as I could stand it and then +I tapped her on the shoulder. + +"I suppose this is Alex, eh?" I says--while he looks at me for the +first time. + +"You got Sherlock Holmes lookin' stupid!" admits the wife. "Alex, meet +my lord and master." + +"Howdy, cousin!" hollers Alex. "I knowed you the minute I seen you +from them, now, big ears you got. Y'know they went to work and printed +your picture in the Sunday papers last month on a charge of havin' won +the, now, pennant for--Well, that's neither here nor there. I come +here to make good! A feller with brains can always do that in these +big rube towns like New York. Of course a baseball player don't need +no brains--you know that yourself and--" + +"C'mon, Alex," butts in the wife quickly, seein' I was gettin' ready to +grab Alex by the neck. "We'll go right up to the flat and have +something to eat. I'll bet you haven't had a bite since you left +home--you ought to be starved by this time!" + +"I'd rather see him shot, myself!" I growls, taggin' along after them, +carryin' this bird's suitcase. If they was clothes in there, Alex must +of dressed in armor up in Vermont. The thing was as heavy as two +dollars' worth of corn beef and cabbage. However, I figured I'd get +back at Alex the minute he asked me for a job. I was all set for this +bird, believe me! + +"So this is New York, hey?" he pipes through his nose the minute we get +outside the station. He stops dead in the street, gazin' up at the big +buildin's and then down at the crowds like a guy in a trance. All he +needed was a streamer of hay in his mouth and the first seven guys that +passed would of offered to sell him the Bronx. He gasps a couple of +times and wipes his eyes. + +"Well, Alex," I says, tryin' hard not to laugh in his face, "what d'ye +think of New York? Considerable burg, eh?" + +He shakes his head kinda sad and sighs. + +"I'll speak plain to you, cousin," he says. "Of all the rube burgs I +ever seen, this here's the limit!" + +I liked to fell down one of them Subway holes! + +"Rube town?" I yells. "Where d'ye get that stuff? Are you seekin' to +kid me?" + +He grabs me by the shoulders and swings me around. + +"Just you look at that crowd of folks on the corner there!" he tells +me. He points over to where half New York is bein' held up in a +traffic jam--wagons, autos, surface cars and guys usin' rubber heels as +a means of locomotion, all waitin' for the cop to say, "Go!" + +"Just look at 'em!" repeats Alex, sneering at me. "From the reports +that have reached me, this here's the town where all the brains in the +world is gathered. There's a couple hundred of them brains on the +corner there now, I reckon, and they can't go nowheres till that +constabule gives the word! Huh!" he snorts, turnin' away. "All just a +lot of rubes, that's all!" + +We get in a taxi and all the way up Alex kept lookin' out the window, +shakin' his head and mutterin' somethin' about Manhattan bein' a +well-advertised bunk and all the inhabitants thereof bein' hicks. I +don't know whether he was after my goat or not, but in a few minutes he +had it. + +"Listen, gentle stranger," I says, when nature could stand no more, "I +realize that New York is nothin' but a flag station and that we're all +Reubens and chew hay, but we have, amongst other things, six million +merry villagers, the biggest buildings in the world, the subway, +gunmen, cabarets, Broadway, and--well, a lot of things that you gotta +admit ain't hit dear old Vermont as yet!" + +"And I most sincerely hope and trust they never will!" pipes Alex. "We +don't need 'em! We got good, clean mountain air, plenty of honest +green grass and--and--_neighbors_! There's just a few things you ain't +got in New York. Cousin Alice tells me she was here two years before +she knowed the folks in the next flat. That shows you people is +suspicious. You know you're rubes and you're afraid to welcome the +stranger for fear he'll sell you one of them, now, gold bricks. I also +hear you pay five and six dollars for a seat at an entertainment. You +so-called wise New Yorkers pays that much for tickets and then go in +and laugh your fool heads off at a scene showin' a, now, farmer bein' +stung! Ha, ha, ha! You--" + +We was up at the flat then, and I let him rave on, tryin' not to get +peeved, so's we'd have some peace and quiet in the family. I knew if +he kept on pannin' my town, I'd get sore and bite him or somethin'--and +then the wife wouldn't gimme no smile for a month. Alex was a new one +on me so far, but I figured that in a couple of days he'd be tellin' +the world that New York was the greatest place on earth and people that +lived anywheres else must be nutty--the way they all do. + +After supper the wife calls up a girl friend of hers so's we can make +up a little theatre party. Me and Alex goes into the parlor for a +smoke, and I asked him how he come to be in our mongst if he already +knowed what a hick town New York was. + +"I come here to make good," he tells me, "because, in my opinion, this +is the easiest place in the world to do that thing. This town is no +different than Ann Harbor or New Haven, except that it's bigger--that's +all! The trouble with most fellows that come here from a small town +is, they let New York get under their skin and it takes their nerve +before they get started. Advertisin' is what has made this town what +it is to-day and nothin' else. It's easier to make good here than it +is in a burg, because in your own town everybody knows you and now +fourflushin' will get you nothin'. There's so many people here that a +feller can keep _some_ of 'em guessin' all the time. All anybody needs +to get ahead here is confidence--" + +"Well," I butts in, "if all a guy needs is confidence, you ought to be +a knockout! What are you figurin' on doin' first?" + +"I'll look around to-morrow," he says. "I wanna start off with the +hardest proposition in the town right away. Out in my town five of us +fellers formed a little club. Each of us has swore to come to New York +one after the other and make good in six months to a year, just to show +you folks how easy it is. For one thing, we all got our own private +little plans for winnin' out here and every one of us is goin' to go at +the proposition from a brand new angle. I was elected to be the first +one, and that's why I'm here." + +"Alex," I says, "you're an ambitious feller, and I gotta hand it to +you. I don't doubt you'll go a long ways at that, if you don't get +pinched for speedin'. But this stuff you're pullin' about dear old +Manhattan gets under my collar! I hate to hear you pan the capital of +the world in that rough way of yours, and when you claim it's a simple +matter to make good here, you have gone and pulled a bone. If it's as +soft as you say, I must of lost the combination or somethin', because +it took me thirty years to get over right here, and, at that, I ain't +causin' Rockefeller or George M. Cohan no worry! So just to show you +that your dope is all wrong and that you're due to hit the bumps if you +play it out, I'll lay you eight to five you muff the very first thing +you try here--what d'ye say?" + +He looks at me for a minute and shakes his head. + +"I don't want to deprive my Cousin Alice of no luxuries," he tells me, +"or I'd snap you right up on that." + +"I see they're still makin' 'em yellah up in Vermont!" I sneers. + +"D'ye mean to insinuate that I'm a quitter?" he asks me, gettin' red. + +"You ought to be a fortune teller!" I says. + +"By gravy, I'll take you up!" he hollers. "I got five hundred dollars +in my left shoe and I might as well add to it now as later. I'll bet +you the five hundred to your eight hundred that the first thing I +tackle here, I make good!" + +"You hate yourself, don't you?" I says. + +"Who's yellah now?" he comes back. + +"The canary," I tells him. "You're on!" + +Just then the door-bell rings, and they was sounds of kissin' by women +principals in the hall. In walks the wife with what looks to me like a +opium-eater's dream and a Fifth Avenue evenin' gown model combined. +Alex takes one flash and turns red, white and blue. + +"This is my friend Eve Rossiter," says the wife. "My husband, Eve, and +my cousin, Alex Hanley." + +"Charmed!" breathes Eve, pullin' a smile that lit up the room. + +"Me and you both!" I says. + +But Alex clears his throat, grits his teeth and flushes up. They was a +glitter in his eye and he begins to talk fast and hard. + +"Howdy, Miss Rossiter!" he says, shakin' hands like he was bein' give a +knockdown to the new bartender. "I'm astounded to meet you! I just +come to New York to-day, but if I'd of knowed you was here, I'd of been +here long ago. However, I'm here now and better late than forever, as +the feller says. I just bet my cousin here that the first thing I +tried my hand at in New York I'd make good. I'm goin' out to-morrow +and show him how easy it is for a feller to get to the top in this here +prize rube burg, provided he has now gumption and his methods is new. +I'll see you to-morrow night and let you know how I made out; I know +you won't have no peace till you hear about it!" He digs into his +pockets feverishly and grabs out a handful of letters. "Here's what +they thought of me up in Vermont!" he goes on, never takin' his eyes +off the girl's face. The wife is starin' at him with her mouth and +eyes as open as a crap tourney, like she figured he'd gone nutty--and +me and Little Eva is runnin' neck and neck at tryin' to keep from +laughin'. "They say a man that can make good in New York can make good +anywhere," he goes on, throwin' the clutch into high again. "_I_ say a +man that can make good anywhere can make good in New York! What's the +difference between New York and Goose Creek, Iowa?--New York's got more +people in it, that's all! It's harder--" + +"Alex, Alex!" butts in the wife, finally regainin' control of her +voice. "What is the matter with you? You--" + +"Hush!" says Alex, turnin' back to Eve again. "It's harder to make +good in a little town than it is in a big one, because--" + +"Alex, look here!" cuts in the wife, gettin' sore. "Miss Rossiter +ain't interested in that patter of yours--we're goin' to the theatre. +Now both you men run along and dress, we'll miss half the show as it +is!" + +"I'll be right back!" chirps Alex to Eve. "Them eyes of yours is +simply now dumfoundin'!" + +I took Alex in my boudoir and while I'm gettin' in the banquet +uneyform, he takes a thing that was a cross between a tuxedo and a +dress suit out of his bag and dolls up. When set for the street, Alex +was no Greek god, but he was fairly easy to look at, if you closed one +eye. He wanted to know what kind of an entertainment they had at the +opry house this week, and I told him I'd show him somethin' that had +them huskin' bees, he was used to up in Vermont, beat eighty ways from +the jack. + +Well, we go to the biggest musical show on Broadway, and instead of +faintin' dead away from joy, Alex claims it was rotten and spent the +night explainin' to Eve how he was gonna take New York the next +mornin'. After the show we went to a cabaret and still no rise out of +Alex. He was off the gay whirl, he says, and his idea of a holiday was +to sit beside his own fireside, readin' yesterday's mail, while his +wife made the room resound with melody by hummin' "Silver Threads Among +The Gold," the while knittin' a doily for the front-room table. + +At this, Eve, which has been gazin' at Alex all night like he was Coney +Island and she was gettin' her first peep, asks if he was married. + +"Don't crowd me!" he tells her, tappin' her arm playfully. "I ain't +gonna get married till I make good. By to-morrow night, though, I +reckon I'll be in a position to talk it over with you!" + +"Ooooh!!" gasps Eve, turnin' a becomin' shade of red. Can you tell me +why them big league dames fall for these guys like Alex? If you can do +that, I got an easy one for you--I wanna know who started the world. +From one flash at Eve, bein' a married man, I could tell where she'd be +the next night when Alex called--and it wouldn't be--out! The next +minute Eve laughed and tells Alex if he's got as much ability as he has +nerve, he ought to have New York on its ear in twenty-four hours. The +wife asks him will he kindly lay off pesterin' her girl friend to death +and quit boostin' himself for a minute, because we was out for pleasure +and he had played the one record all night. + +"Go on, Mister Hanley," butts in Eve, "I love to hear you talk. You're +so different from any one else I've met, and I really believe you +_will_ do something big here, because you're--well--new!" + +"You have remarked somethin'!" agrees Alex. "I'm gonna show 'em +somethin' they never seen before and make 'em like it!" + +Well, he takes Eve home that night for a starter, and the next mornin' +he's up bright and early at seven, ready to startle Manhattan. He said +he wanted me to go out with him and watch him win my eight hundred +bucks and also to notice the way he worked. He picks up the mornin' +paper, runs through the "Help Wanted" columns for a minute and finally +clears his throat. + +"Aha!" he says. "Listen to this--'Wanted. High class automobile +salesman for the Gaflooey light delivery wagon. We have no time for +experiments and successful applicant must make good at once. We don't +want an order taker, but an order _maker_--a real, live, simon-pure +hustler who will start delivering the goods the morning he goes on the +payroll. This job pays ten thousand a year, if you show us you're +worth it. Apply personally all day and bring references. This is +imperative. We want to see your past record of sales elsewhere. Ask +for Mr. Grattan, 1346 Broadway. If you haven't the experience, don't +come!'" + +"Well?" I says. + +He puts down the paper and reaches for his hat. + +"They'll probably be a lot after that there job, hey?" he asks me. + +"About four thousand, I'd say offhand!" I grins. + +"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands and smilin', "I love competition +because it puts a feller on his mettle. Now look here, if I go down +there and secure that job this mornin', do I get your eight hundred +dollars?" + +"What?" I hollers. "What d'ye mean, do you get my eight hundred?" + +"Listen!" he says. "The bet was that I make good at the first thing I +tackle, wasn't it--all right! Now this here job looks good to me. Ten +thousand a year is nice money to start. If you're fair minded, you'll +admit that in goin' after this job I'm up against a pretty stiff +proposition. In the first place I don't know no more about automobiles +than you do about raisin' hogs. I never sold one in my life. I don't +know a soul in New York outside of you, Cousin Alice and that girl I +took home last night, so I can't furnish no references on my ability as +a salesman. The advertisement says you have to have 'em. As you say, +they'll be thousands after that job. Fellers with swell fronts, high +soundin' records in back of 'em and gilt-edged references. Now under +all that handicap, if I walk in there and get the job, won't you admit +I made good?" + +"If you go down and ask for that job and they turn you down, you'll pay +me, eh?" I asks him. + +"At once!" he says, firmly. + +"C'mon, Alex!" I tells him, puttin' on my hat. "I hate to cop a sucker +bet like this, but maybe losin' it will reduce the size of your head a +trifle and do you good!" + +Once out in the street, he stretches his arms, pulls his hat down hard +over his dome and stamps his feet. + +"Watch me close!" he says. "Watch me close and you'll get some +valuable tips on how to put yourself over. I told you I was gonna be +new--just observe how I go after this job. The average New Yorker who +wanted it would go right down to the office, present his, now, +credentials and ask for it, wouldn't he?" + +I nodded. + +"The early worm catches the fish, y'know!" I says; "and in New York +here--the town that made pep and hustle famous--a man would be down +there at six a.m. waitin' for the place to open. Why, there's prob'ly +a hundred or more there right now!" + +"I hope there's a million!" he comes back. "It'll be more satisfaction +when they hire me over all them others. Now I ain't goin' near that +there office as yet. My system gets away from the old stuff--just keep +your eye on Cousin Alex from now on!" + +He buys a newspaper, finds the automobile section and, finally, a big +display advertisement of the Gaflooey Auto Company. He takes out a +letter from his pocket and on the back of it he marks the price, style, +and a lot of other dope about Gaflooey light delivery wagons and then +throws the paper away. + +"Now," he grins, "I'm all ready, except to give them folks my full name +for the payroll!" + +At that minute, somebody slaps me on the back and I swing around to see +Buck Rice chucklin' at me. Buck used to be one of the best second +basemen that ever picked up a bat, till his legs went back on him and +he got into the automobile game. I remember thinkin' how funny it was +that he come along right then when me and Alex was talkin' about autos. + +"Well, how are they breakin', Buck?" I says, shakin' hands and +introducin' Alex. + +"I think I have fanned with the bases loaded again," he laughs. "I put +in five hours to-day tryin' to get the Mastadon Department Store to put +in a line of six-cylinder Katzes on their delivery system. I got a +private tip that they're changin' from the Mutz-36 and the first order +will be about eighty cars. Of course that's a sweet piece of money for +somebody and everybody in New York will be there to-day tryin' to grab +that order off. You might as well try to sell radiators in Hades +though, because Munson, the bird that does the purchasin', is stuck on +the Clarendon and he wouldn't buy anything else if they was givin' 'em +away!" + +"Well, that's tough, Buck!" I sympathizes. + +"Sure is!" he says, givin' me and Alex a quarter perfecto and grinnin' +some more to show how disappointed he feels. "But I should worry! If +I lose that one, I'll get another, so what's the difference?" He turns +to Alex, "Y'know in New York here," he confides, "we don't have no time +to hold no coroner's inquests over failures. We forget about 'em and +go after somethin' else--always on the job, get me? You'll learn after +you're here a while--that's what makes the town what it is. If I +stopped to moan over every order I didn't put across, I'd be nowhere +to-day. Nope, you can't do that in New York!" + +"Another of them there New Yorkers, hey?" sneers Alex to me, after Buck +has blowed. "Don't you see how that feller proves my argyment about +how simple it is to make good here? From the way he's dressed--them, +now, diamonds and so forth--he's probably a big feller in his line. +Makin' plenty of money and looked on as a success by the ig'rant. Yet +he lets a big order get away from him when it was practically a cinch +to land it!" + +"Say, listen!" I yelps--this bird was gettin' on my nerves. "If +four-flushin' was water, you'd be the Pacific Ocean! You gimme a pain +with that line of patter you got, and as far as salesmanship is +concerned, I'll bet you couldn't sell a porterhouse steak to a guy +dyin' of hunger. I'd like to see _you_ land an order like Buck spoke +of, you--" + +"That's just what you're gonna do!" he butts in. "You're gonna see +_me_ land that very order he told us about--what d'ye think of that, +hey?" + +I stopped dead and gazed upon him. + +"You're gonna which?" I asks him. + +"I'm gonna land that order from that department store!" he repeats, +grabbin' my arm. "C'mon--show me how to get there!" + +I fell up against a lamp post and laughed till a passin' dame remarked +to her friend that it was an outrage the way some guys drank. Then I +led Alex to the subway. + +"Listen," I says. "What about this job you was gonna get? Of course +you know if you quit, I win the bet." + +"Quit?" he says. "Where have I heard the word before? Who said +anything about quittin'? I'm gonna get that order and I'm gonna get +that job!" + +"Fair enough!" I tells him, "but you're goin' at the thing backwards. +How are you gonna take an order for autos when you ain't got no autos +to sell? I suppose you figure on grabbin' the ten thousand dollar job +first and then makin' good with a loud crash by landin' the big order, +eh?" + +He shakes his head and sighs pityin'ly. + +"Would there be anything new and original about that?" he asks. + +"No!" I says, "there wouldn't! But I don't see how you're gonna win +out any other way." + +"Of course you don't!" he sneers. "You're a New Yorker, ain't you? +I'm supposed to be the rube, simply because I wasn't born on Sixth +Avenue. Now I already told you my methods was new, didn't I? Anybody +would work the thing the way you lay it out--and probably land neither +the job nor the order. What a chance would I have goin' up there and +askin' for that job first? Where would I come out against all them +sellin' experts with letters and so forth to prove it? Why, they'd +laugh me outa the office! _B-u-t!--if I go to them with an order for +fifty or sixty of their cars as actual proof that I can sell not only +autos, but their autos_, what will they say, then? D'ye see the point +now? They ask me for a reference and I reach in my pocket and give +them the order, _which I've got before applyin' for the job_, to prove +to myself and them that I can sell automobiles!" + +Oh, boy! + +"Alex," I says, when I got my breath, "I gotta hand it to you! When it +comes to inventin' things, you got Edison lookin' like a backward +pupil. Go to it, old kid! If you put this over the way you have just +told it to me, you'll own Broadway in a week!" + +"I'm figurin' on ten days!" he says. + +We arrive at the Mastadon Department Store and shoot up in the elevator +to the office of G. C. Munson, the general manager. Alex has been +readin' the notes he made on Gaflooey delivery wagons like the same was +a French novel, and, by the time we got there, he could repeat their +advertisement by heart. He starts to breeze right into the office and +some dame appears on the scene and nails him. + +"One moment, please!" she says, very cold--givin' Alex a look that took +in everything from his hick clothes to his rube haircut. "This happens +to be a private office. Whom did you desire to see?" + +"If I thought they was anybody prettier than you here, I'd ask to have +them brought out," says Alex, in that simple rube way of his which give +no offense, "but of course I know that's impossible. Still, as long as +I'm here, I'd like to see Mister Munson." + +The dame melts and releases a smile. + +"What did you wish to see him about?" she asks. + +"About ten minutes," pipes Alex. "D'ye know there's somethin' about +them navy blue eyes of yours that makes me think of my mother--isn't +that funny?" + +The dame surrenders and shows Alex all her nice front teeth. + +"I'll see if Mister Munson is in," she says, handin' him a card, "but +you'll have to fill this out." + +Alex looks at the card which had this on it, + + Mr ................................... + + Desires to see ....................... + + Regarding ............................ + + +He laughs suddenly, takes out his fountain pen and fills the thing out. +Lookin' over his shoulder I seen him write this, + + Mr......... _Alex Hanley_ + + Desires to see ...... _Mr. Munson_. + + Regarding .... _The price of petrified noodles in Siberia_. + + +"There," he says, handin' it to the girl without a smile, "give that to +Mister Munson." + +She takes it in without lookin' at it. + +"Well, you crabbed any chance you might of had, right off the bat!" I +says to Alex. "He'll get so sore when he reads that, he won't even let +you in." + +"Let him get sore!" chirps Alex. "He'll not only get sore, he'll get +curious and then again I'm figurin' on him bein' human, besides bein' +general manager and havin' a sense of humor! He's probably been +pestered with auto salesmen all day--if I wrote my real business on +that card he'd send word he was out. As it is, he'll read it and he +won't be able to resist the, now, temptation to get one look at a +feller which would want to know from a man in his position the price of +petrified noodles in Siberia. No matter what happens afterwards, he'll +want one look--wouldn't you?" + +Before I can answer, the dame comes out laughin'. + +"Step in," she says. "Mister Munson will see you." + +"Now!" hisses Alex, as we ease in on the velvet carpet. "Watch how _I_ +go about sellin' autos. Y'see I got a nibble already because I was +new! I--Howdy, Mister Munson!" + +We was in the private office. + +Munson was a little, keen-faced guy--bald, nervous and fat. He looks +up over his glasses with Alex's card in his hand--and Alex looks back. +In one second they had each found out all they wanted to know about the +other. + +"What's the meaning of this nonsense?" barks Munson. + +Alex walks over to the desk, wets his lips and gets goin'. + +"Mister Munson," he says, "if you called on a man at his office, would +you care to write your business on a card for the office boy to read? +No--you would not! A big man like you would probably tear the card up, +leave the office in a, now, rage and never return! You'd be insulted, +your, now, dignity would be hurt, eh? You might be from out of town +and comin' here to leave a big order and that little thing--prob'ly +invented by one of your New York efficiency stars--would make you so +mad you'd go away and order where they wasn't so efficient, but a +little more courteous! Look at that card--the, now, wordin' of it. +Look how cold and hard it is! No warmth, no 'glad-to-see-you-stranger +what-can-my-house-do-for-you?' about it. It's like a slap in the face! +Maybe it does keep the panhandlers away, but did you ever figure how +many orders it must have cost you, hey?" + +Munson has listened to every word, first with a heavy frown and then +with a kind of thoughtful look on his face. He taps the desk with a +lead pencil, reads the card a couple of times and then slams his fist +on the desk. + +"By Peter, young man!" he snaps out suddenly, "you may be right! The +wording of that office blank _is_ rather insulting, now that I dissect +it--been too busy before to notice it. Yes, sir, I _would_ resent +having my business blatted out before a whole staff of subordinates! +There must be some way, of course, to keep out the hordes of jobless +and what not who would get in if it wasn't for that blank and now, by +the eternal, we'll find one less liable to turn away gold with +the--er--grist! I thank you for the suggestion. And now, what did you +want to see me about?" + +"Automobiles," says Alex, "and--" + +Munson freezes right up and slaps his hands together. + +"That's enough!" he snarls. "Perhaps that office blank of ours is not +so bad after all! If you had filled it out properly, you wouldn't be +here. I've heard enough about autos to-day to last me for the rest of +my life. Yesterday, I mentioned casually, and I thought in confidence, +that we were considering a change in our delivery system. Beginning at +eight this morning, there has been a constant stream of automobile +salesmen in this office! The only persons who have not tried to sell +me automobiles are George Washington, Jack Dempsey and Billy Sunday! +I'm quite sure every one else has been here. The air has been filled +with magnetos, self-starters, sliding gear transmissions, aluminum +crank cases and all that other damnable technical stuff that goes with +automobiles! You need not open your mouth--I know exactly what your +sales talk is, they're all alike, more or less. Your car is far and +away the best on the market, of course, and--" + +"Excuse me, Mister Munson!" butts in Alex. "You get me all wrong. Our +car--the Gaflooey--is _not_ the best on the market. There are others +just as good and some of the higher priced ones are, naturally, better. +You can't expect the best on the market for the price we sell at--750. +A man of your intelligence knows that and when a salesman tells you his +five hundred dollar car is better than a standard make at five +thousand, he's insulting your intelligence. We make a good, honest +car--that's all. I ain't gonna take up your time tellin' you about +the--eh--ah--the--eh, magneto and so forth. Unless you're a mechanic, +you wouldn't understand about 'em anyways. All the parts that go with +any car are on ours, or it wouldn't work--that's understood. However, +as I said before, I ain't gonna take up your time. I know how you New +Yorkers do business, and you've probably made your mind up already. +You big men are all zip!--like that. Mind made up and nothin' can +change you. Even if you do miss somethin' good now and then, you don't +mind because you have the satisfaction of bein' known as a quick +thinker. We just got in a new consignment of cars to-day and if you're +interested our place is at 1346 Broadway. Well, good-day, sir!" he +winds up, reachin' for his hat. + +"Wait!" says Munson, takin' off his glasses and wipin' 'em. "You're a +new one on me, son! So you admit you haven't got the greatest auto +that was ever made, eh?" he chuckles. "By Peter! That sounds strange +after all the talk I been listening to to-day. If your car is as +honest as you seem to be, it's all right!" He sits lookin' off in the +air, tappin' the desk with the pencil again. + +Alex nudges me and we start for the door. Halfway he stops and looks +at a photo that's framed over the desk. It's a picture of a barn, some +chickens and a couple of cows. + +"Right fine landscape, that!" chirps Alex to Munson. "Makes a feller +like me homesick to look at it. Them are sure fine Jerseys, too--and +say, see them pullets, would you!" + +"That's my little farm down on Long Island," says Munson, throwin' out +his chest. "I suppose that makes you laugh, eh? Big, grown New Yorker +having a farm, eh?" + +"Mister," says Alex, sadly, "it don't make _me_ laugh! I was raised on +a farm in Vermont and--" + +"That so?" cuts in Munson, lookin' interested. "Country boy, eh?" + +"Yep," goes on Alex. "Now, speakin' of them pullets there--if you'd +try 'em on a straight diet of bran and potatoes--pound of each--they'll +fatten up quicker." + +"Yes?" pipes Munson, brightenin' up some more. "Well, well! +And--hmph! Thanks, Mister Hanley, I'll make a note of that. +Now--eh--sit down a minute! I don't want to take your time, but--eh, +what did you find best back home for saving the young chicks? What +foods--" + +"I'll just leave you a few little rules," says Alex, his eyes +glitterin', as he rams his elbow a mile in my ribs. "I got to call on +another department store this afternoon, where I'm almost certain to +take an order and--" + +"Young man!" Munson shuts him off, "I'm frank enough to say that you've +made a very favorable impression on me. You're honest about your car, +and you didn't try to overawe me by hurling a lot of unintelligible +technical terms into my ear. You don't claim it's the bargain of the +age. Now we have recently inaugurated right here in this store a +policy of absolute honesty with regard to our merchandise. No +misrepresentations are permitted. We sell our goods for what they +are--we don't allow a clerk to tell a customer that he's getting a +five-dollar shirt for two dollars. I can't get the car I want to put +in here--they want too much money and their salesman spent most of his +time here speaking in terms that none but a master mechanic on their +own auto would understand. I'm a pretty good judge of character and +you look good to me. Give me a price on fifty of your cars for +immediate delivery and--well, let's hear your figures!" + +Alex drops his hat on the floor, but when he picked it up, he was as +cool as a dollar's worth of ice. + +"Just a minute," he says, sittin' down and reachin' for a desk +telephone. He gets the Gaflooey Company on the wire. + +"Hello!" he says. "Say--I want a lump price on fifty delivery +wagons--what?--never mind who this is, if the price is right I'll come +up." He winks at Munson like he's lettin' him in on somethin'--and, by +gravy, Munson winks back! "Yes--fifty," says Alex on the wire. +"Thirty-five thousand dollars?--thank you!" He hangs up the phone and +turns to Munson. "They'll give you twenty-five hundred off, accordin' +to that figure," he says. + +Munson grabs up a pad and writes somethin' on it. + +"There!" he says, givin' it to Alex. "Tell 'em to get as many cars +over here to-morrow as they can. Get your bill and I'll O.K. it. +Now--" he pulls his chair over closer, "About those chicks and--oh, +yes, I want your opinion on some figures I have here on my truck--" + +An hour later, me and Alex walks into the salesroom of the Gaflooey +Automobile Company. I was in a trance, and if he had of promised to +lift the Singer Buildin' with one hand I would of laid the world eight +to five he could do it! The whole place is in confusion--salesmen +chasin' around, telephonin' and actin' like they just heard they was a +bomb in the basement. Alex asks for the manager, and some guy chances +over and asks what he wants. + +"I have come for that ten thousand a year job you advertised this +mornin'," says Alex. + +"Job?" howls the manager, glarin' at him. "You poor boob, can't you +see how busy we are here now? We just got a tip on a real order--fifty +cars, and we can't trace the thing!" He rubs his hands together. +"Fifty cars! That's how the Gaflooey sells--fifty at a time!" He +sneers at Alex. "Your approach is terrible!" he says. "You'll never +land a job in this town like that, my boy. Go somewhere first and +learn how to interest a busy man with the first thing you say and--" + +"Listen!" butts in Alex. "Gimme that job, will you, or I'll have to go +somewhere else." + +The manager laughs, as a couple of salesmen come along and join him. +They all sneer at Alex and the manager nudges his minions and winks. + +"So you think you're a ten thousand dollar auto salesman, eh?" he says. +"Ah--who can you refer to?" He makes a bluff at takin' down notes. + +"Mister Munson, of the Mastadon Department Store," says Alex. + +"Ha, ha, ha!" roars the manager. "Department store, eh--that's rich! +You quit the shirtwaist department to sell autos, eh? Ha, ha, ha! +What does a department store manager know of your ability to sell +autos?" he snarls. + +"Well,--I just sold him fifty of _yours_!" remarks Alex. "So I +thought--" + +"What?" shrieks the manager, grabbin' his arm. + +Alex hands over the order Munson give him. + +"Now before I go to work here," he says, "it might be a good idea to +let me look over one of your cars, because, to tell you the truth, I +ain't never seen one of 'em in my life!" + +Well, they had Munson on the phone in a minute and in another one the +manager hangs up the receiver and comes back. + +"Do I get the job?" asks Alex. + +"Do you get the job!" yells friend manager, slappin' him on the back. +"No, you don't get it--only if you leave here without signing your name +to a five-year contract and accepting a check for fifteen hundred +dollars' commission and as much more as you want to draw on your +expense account, I'll--I'll--murder you! But first, you lunch with me +at the Fitz-Barlton and we'll map out a campaign--" + +"Gimme that eight hundred!" says Alex to me. + +I passed it over still semi-conscious. + +Alex stretches his arms, puts the money away and grins. + +"Get me that Eve girl on the phone, will you?" he tells me. "I--I had +a little bet with her, too!" He lights the cigar Buck Rice had give +him in the mornin', blows out some smoke and looks over at Broadway, +jammed with the matinee crowd. "Some burg!" he says, shakin' his head +and grinnin' at me! + + + + +CHAPTER II + +THE SELF-COMMENCER + +There's nothin' the world loves so much as a good tryer. I don't mean +the birds that havin' everything in their favor, includin' a ten-mile +start, finishes first in the Big Race--I'm talkin' about the guys that +never get better than second or third, but generally land in the money. +The old Consistent Charlies that, no matter how many times they're +beaten, figures the time to quit is when you're dead and buried! + +Did you ever stop to think that the tryers which never get nowhere is +responsible for the other guys' success? They're the babies that make +a race or a fight out of it, and if it wasn't for them dubs there'd be +no successes at all. In order to have winners, we got to have +_losers_, don't we? And don't forget that yesterday's losers are +to-morrow's winners and vice-president or vice versa, whatever it is. + +A fighter knows that these birds which come up smilin' no matter how +many times he drops 'em for the count is as dangerous as dynamite, +until he knocks 'em cold. No matter how bad this loser may be battered +up, he's always got a chance while he's tryin'. I've seen guys that +was winnin' by two miles curl up and quit before a dub they had beaten +till the crowd was yellin' for mercy, simply because this poor +bunged-up simp kept comin' in all the time--battered, bloody, drunk +with wallops--_but tryin' up to the last bell_! + +Now these guys may never get nowhere, but they're the birds that's put +most of the guys that _do_ where they are. Why? Think it over! You +gotta be _good_ to beat them birds, don't you? They make competition +keen, they keep the other guys on their toes, they're the gasoline that +keeps the old world goin' forward on high and the birds that get over +are only the chauffeurs. You gotta have both to run the car and the +universe wouldn't move forward six inches if we didn't have one failure +for every success. + +So if you've failed to set the world on fire up to date, don't walk out +on the dock to see what kind of a jump it is. If you can't be a +winner, you can be a good loser and it's a toss-up which is the bigger +thing! A guy who can beat the yellah streak we all pack somewheres, +every time he fails to register a win, and will keep rememberin' that +to-morrow has got yesterday beat eighty-seven ways, is no loser! On +paper he mightn't be a winner, but he _is_. He's a bigger winner than +the bird that gets over, because he's whipped the quit in him without +no kind applause to cheer him on. I've seen losers that attracted more +attention in runnin' _last_ than any six winners in the same precinct. + +Them kind of birds can't help tryin'. They couldn't quit if they +wanted to, which they don't! They got somethin' in 'em that keeps +shovin' 'em along whether they're regrettin' the breaks or not. +They're always full of the old ambish no matter what the score is in +the ninth. They're what you might call self-starters in the automobile +of life--they don't need a _win_ now and then to crank 'em up, they +keep goin' forward hittin' on all cylinders from the nursery to the +embalmer! + +Alex was one of them guys. + +The Big Town fell for his stuff because it was _new_, the same as it +will fall for _yours_ to-morrow if you get somethin' it never seen and +the nerve to try it out! + +About a month after Alex was workin' as head salesman for the Gaflooey +Auto Company at a pittance of ten thousand a year, he come up to the +flat for dinner one night. I seen right away that somethin' was wrong, +because he only eat about half of the roast duck and brung along his +own cigars. After nature could stand no more, and we had dragged +ourselves away from the table to let the servant girl make good, we +adjourn to the parlor and the wife gets ready to punish the neighbors +with the victrola. + +"Well," says Alex, sittin' down in the only rocker, of course, "it +looks like they have finally gimme somethin' that even _I_ can't do!" + +"Can that be possible?" I says, pickin' up the sportin' final. + +"Wait till you hear this one!" remarks the wife, crankin' up the +victrola. "John McCormack singin' 'If Beauty Was Water, You'd Be +Niagara Falls!' It's a knockout!" + +"Say!" snorts Alex, gettin' peeved. "Can't a man find no attention +here?" + +"Look in the telephone book under the A's," I says. + +"Never mind, dearie!" the wife tells him. "I'll listen. What's on +your mind?" She goes over and sits on the arm of his chair, knowin' +full well it gets my goat. + +"I see you're the only one in this family that's got any sense!" pipes +Alex, pattin' her hand. + +"Yen," I says, "I ain't got enough sense to turn on a radiator. All +I'm good for is to get the dollars, which of course is nothin' at all +in keepin' up the home!" + +"Well, you'll never have Rockefeller and that crowd gnashin' their +teeth with all the dollars you'll get!" says Alex, "and that ain't no +lie!" + +"Now, boys," butts in the wife, "let's all be friends even if we do +belong to the same family. What is it, Alex? Speak up like a man." + +"Well," he says, "the Gaflooey people has started to make tourin' cars +and roadsters! What d'ye think of that?" + +"I'm simply dumfounded!" I says. "Has Congress heard about this?" + +"There you go again!" snorts Alex. "Always tryin' to ridicule +everything I do. It's simply a case of sour grapes with you--jealousy, +that's all!" + +"Sour grapes ain't jealousy," I says. "Sour grapes is brandy. Go on +with your story, Alex." + +"Don't mind him," whispers the wife in his ear. "He'd laugh in church!" + +"Why not?" I says. "I ain't done no gigglin' since you and me first +went there together." + +"Will you let go?" she says. "Go on, Alex." + +"Well," he says, "they called me into the president's office to-day, +and the former begins by tellin' me I'm the best salesman they ever +had." + +"He don't care what he says, does he?" I butts in. "I suppose you +admitted the charge, eh?" + +"After that," goes on Alex, snubbin' me, "he tells me they have decided +to get into the pleasure car game, instead of just makin' trucks and +the like. Their first offerin' is gonna be one of them chummy, +clover-leaf roadsters which will hold five people comfortably." + +"If they're well acquainted!" I says. + +"Will you leave the boy alone?" asks the wife. "I never saw anybody +like you in my life!" + +"Don't I know it?" I says. "Otherwise, how would we ever of got +married?" + +"Now," goes on Alex, "they want me to go up and see Runyon Q. Sampson, +the well-to-do millionaire, and get him to buy the first car. You can +imagine what a terrible good advertisement that will be for us if he +should buy it, can't you?" + +"It'll be O.K. till he tries to ride in it," I says, "and then the +chances are you'll have to leave town and the Gaflooey people will be +facin' a suit!" + +"There ain't another car on the market that can hold a match to the +Gaflooey!" hollers Alex, his goat prancin' madly about. + +"What's it made out of--celluloid?" I says. + +"You may think you're funny!" he tells me, "but that's nothin' more or +less than ig'rance. Here I am wastin' valuable time tryin' to explain +somethin' to Cousin Alice and you keep interruptin' till a man don't +know where he's at! Let's see now, where was I?" he asks the wife. + +"The beautiful and good-lookin' princess had just promised to wed you," +I says, "but the crusty old king couldn't see into it!" + +The wife throws a pillow at me and it busted a vase that cost me three +hundred green certificates. After a short brawl over the remains, I +laid off Alex and he went ahead. + +"As I said before," he goes on, "the president of the Gaflooey Company +has selected me to go up and sell old Sampson this here chummy +roadster. If I land the order, which naturally enough I will, it means +I get made manager of the New York salesrooms. Then me and Eve +Rossiter will prob'ly get married and--" + +"What?" squeals the wife. "Are you and Eve engaged? And she never +said a word to me!" + +"How could she?" I says. "When he prob'ly had her doped?" + +"No, we ain't engaged," says Alex. "I ain't even asked the girl will +she be mine yet." + +"Then how do you know she'll marry you?" asks the wife. + +"Well," says Alex, "I figure if you married this here pest, I ought to +be able to marry anybody! But what I'm up against is this--I got to +take one of them roadsters up there to-day and demonstrate it to +Sampson. They have gone to work and made an appointment for me, and +what I don't know about automobiles would fill seven large libraries. +Here I'm supposed to show Mister Sampson the points on our car which is +better than any other and I can't tell the windshield from the magneto. +Now d'ye blame me for bein' worried?" + +"I thought you was the world's greatest salesman," I sneers. "You +don't mean to say this job has got you yellin' for the police already, +do you? What are you gonna do, quit?" + +"Speak English!" he comes back. "That word quit don't belong in our +language. Who said anything about quittin'? Even though I don't know +a thing about automobiles, I'm gonna sell Runyon Q. Sampson a Gaflooey +chummy roadster. A feller don't need knowledge to be a success half as +much as he needs confidence and I got more confidence than a feller +shootin' at a barn with a double-barrelled shot gun. Anyhow, I'll +betcha a rich millionaire like Sampson don't know any too much about +automobiles himself, bein' too busy with makin' money and the like, eh?" + +"I suppose you're gonna make him think that you know more about them +gas buckboards than the guy which wrote 'em, eh?" I says. + +"You'll never get nowhere!" he answers, lookin' at me like how can a +guy live and be so thick behind the ears. "You'll never be nothin' but +an average citizen, because you never get a new idea! No, I ain't +gonna make Sampson think _I_ know more about automobiles than anybody +in the world--that's what has queered many a sale. I'm gonna make him +think _he_ does, and that him buyin' our roadster proves it!" + +"I'll bet you could make Rockefeller think they wasn't a nickel in +oil!" says the wife admirin'ly. + +Alex gets up and reaches for his hat. + +"If they was enough money in it for me, I'd try it," he says, "and that +ain't no lie!" + +I didn't see Alex till the next mornin' and then he blows in the flat. + +"Hello!" he says. "Here you are as usual, loafin' away the hull +mornin'. It's almost eight o'clock, d'ye know that?" + +"Sure!" I says. "You can't get me on that one. The answer is seven +fifty-five!" + +"What d'ye mean, seven fifty-five?" he asks. + +"Ain't seven fifty-five almost eight o'clock," I says, "and didn't you +ask me if I knew it?" + +"Ain't he clever?" says the wife, pattin' me on the back. + +Alex looks at me in open disgust. + +"If that's bein' clever," he says, "I'm a professor from Harvard! +Where d'ye get that stuff?" + +"It's a gift!" I says. "What are you doin' here this hour of the day?" + +"Hurry up and git through eatin'," he says, "I want you to take a ride +with me." + +"What have you been pinched for?" I says. + +"Will you leave him be?" butts in the wife. "Don't mind him, Alex, +he'll go with you. Where are you going?" + +"Up to Runyon Q. Sampson's to sell him a Gaflooey roadster," says Alex. +"I got the car right outside now. Just wait till you git a look at it, +you'll be crazy to buy one yourself!" + +"You said it!" I tells him, puttin' on my coat. "I certainly would be +crazy if I bought one of them! Who's gonna drive this up there?" + +"I got a mechanic from the shop," says Alex. "A feller which knows so +much about automobiles that he could take a pair of pliers and a lug +wrench and go clear to Frisco with nothin' else!" + +"Not even a car, eh?" I says. "_Some_ mechanic!" + +"Be still!" says the wife. "Well, Alex, I certainly hope you have all +kinds of luck. Let me know how you make out, will you?" + +"Sure!" I tells her. "Call up police headquarters in about an hour and +you'll prob'ly be able to get all the details, right off the blotter." + +We go outside and there's the Gaflooey chummy roadster leanin' right up +against the curb. It looked like it might be a regular automobile when +it grew up, but just then it seemed like it had been snatched from the +cradle before its features was fully formed. Two of them roadsters +would of made a nice pair of roller skates and the expense for tires +must of been practically nothin', because the ones that was on it +looked like a set of washers. The body was painted yellah and the +trimmin's was in Alice blue and catsup red. + +In the front seat is this guy which Alex claimed was the world's +greatest mechanic. You could see that at a glance anyhow, because he +was dressed in a pair of overalls that had lasted him ever since he +first broke into the automobile game and he carried about three quarts +of medium oil on his face and hands. + +"Well," says Alex, throwin' out his chest, "what d'ye think old Runyon +Q. Sampson will say when he casts his eye over that, eh?" + +"You'd only get sore if I told you," I says, "but I'll say this much, +Alex. If you can sell him that mechanical toy there on the pretense +that it's an automobile, I'm goin' up to-morrow and sell him Grant's +Tomb for a paperweight!" + +"Git in," pipes Alex, "and stop knockin'!" + +"I won't have to knock after we get started--that's if we do," I tells +him, forcin' myself into the rear, "the motor will look after that!" + +Alex nudges the mechanic. + +"This here's my cousin," he tells him. "He ain't a bad feller in spite +of that." + +He turns around to me, "Joe," he says, "I want you to meet Mister Eddie +Worth, the best man on gas engines that ever burnt his hands on an +exhaust pipe!" + +"Greetin's, Eddie!" I says, shakin' hands with him and gettin' a half +pound of grease for nothin'. + +"Gimme a cigarette!" answers Eddie. "I been waitin' here an hour for +youse guys. The motor is prob'ly all cold now and the starter may +gimme an argument." + +He gets out and monkeys around the front of the car. + +"Ain't it nice and roomy back there?" Alex asks me. + +I moved my knees away from my chin so's I could talk. + +"Great!" I says. "Only the Gaflooey people is liable to get in trouble +on account of them coppin' the design from somebody else." + +"What d'ye mean?" he asks me, lookin' puzzled. + +"Well," I tells him, "you gotta admit that the seatin' arrangements +back here is a dead steal from a can of sardines!" + +"Did you ever see anything you couldn't find fault with?" he sneers. + +"Yeh," I says. "I once got three nickels in change for a dime." + +At this critical moment, the mechanic gets down on his hands and knees +in the street and begins to worry the car like a dog with a bone. Then +all of a sudden he crawls underneath it and disappears from the public +eye. A lot of shippin' clerks, bookkeepers, salesgirls, brokers, +lawyers and the like, on their way downtown to their jobs, figures that +you can go to work any day, but an auto bein' fixed calls for immediate +attention and gets around us in a circle. This seemed to get Alex's +goat, but it was huckleberry pie to the mechanic. He crawls out from +under, rolls up his sleeves, ruffles his hair, looks over the crowd and +rubs his hands together. + +"Gimme a cigarette!" he says. "And reach down in that tool box there +and hand me up them pliers, a couple of S wrenches, the hammer and a +screwdriver!" + +The crowd sighs with delight, but Alex leaps off the seat like they was +bees in the upholstery. + +"What d'ye want all them there tools for?" he yells. "Stop this monkey +business, I'm an hour late now! What's the matter with the car?" + +The mechanic looks around at the crowd and shakes his head pityin'ly. +They give Alex the laugh, and a manicure tells her friend that if she +was the mechanic she wouldn't bother with it, but would make Alex fix +it himself for gettin' so bold. + +"What's the matter with the car?" repeats the mechanic, waggin' his +head from side to side with a sarcastic movement. "It's been abused, +that's all! I ain't had time to go over it carefully; it'll have to be +towed down to the shop where we can git it up on jacks and take it +apart. I found a leak in the radiator, the bolts is missin' from the +muffler, there's a crack in the rear housin' and the clutch seems to +grind a bit." + +Alex grits his teeth and grabs hold of the windshield. + +"Is that all?" he hisses. + +"Well, not _all_, no!" says the mechanic, scratchin' his chin. "They +must be a couple of pins sheered off of the differential and the--" + +"They ain't no sich a thing!" roars Alex. "This here's a brand new +car, right from our factory--you wooden-headed fule! It ain't been run +a mile and they ain't a thing the matter with it, not even a scratch on +the paint! You was sent up here to drive this car, not to wreck it. +You--" + +"Hey, don't git to callin' me no wooden-headed fool!" hollers the +mechanic, jumpin' around and wavin' the pliers. "That's against the +union rules, and you'll get the worst of it if I bring it before the +board. They must be some mistake here. I thought you wanted me to +look over this boat for your friend here and see what it needed. How'd +I know you only wanted me to drive? I ain't no mind-reader, I'm a +mechanic and--" + +"Shut up!" says Alex; "and drive us out to Tarrytown. As a matter of +fact, the car's all right, ain't it?" + +"Certainly!" says the mechanic. "Ain't it a new one? Gimme a +cigarette and I'll see if I can get this tin can here to roll." + +It's just about eighteen miles as the pigeon soars from where we +started to Runyon Q. Sampson's country home at Tarrytown, and we fled +up there in two hours. This car was a wonder on hills, that is it's a +wonder we got up 'em at all. We climbed most of 'em with the emergency +brake on so's we wouldn't slip back to the garage, and I figured that +the car must of been painted yellah in honor of the motor, which quit +like a dog every time the goin' got rough. The mechanic drives us in +through the entrance of Sampson's domicile, as we remark at the garage, +and then stops for encouragement before goin' further. Alex elects me +to go up and notify Sampson that we're all set to show him the Gaflooey +chummy roadster, while he and the mechanic stays behind to look over +the car and see that everything is workin' fairly perfect. I got as +far as the porch and a guy in a drum-major's uneyform without the hat +nails me. He was as big as the Woolworth Buildin' and just as +emotional. He looked like what them stage butlers tries to. + +"What would you wish?" he asks, friendly as a traffic cop to a +taxi-driver. + +"Well, if I thought they was any use," I says, "I'd wish I had a +million bucks, but as it is, I'd like to see Runyon Q. Sampson, your +master." + +"Step this way!" he says, startin' to walk ahead. + +"I can't step that way!" I says, watchin' him close. "It must be a +gift. I'll have to folley you in my own way on account of havin' a +blowout in my rubber heels an--" + +Just then a little bald-headed guy with one of them short gray +mustaches which the wealthy banker wears in the movies, crosses our +path and the big feller stops and salutes him. + +"Gentleman to see you, sir," he says. + +"Hmph!" grunts Runyon Q. Sampson, which is who the little guy was, as +the gentle readers has prob'ly guessed. "I can't see any one now. I +have an appointment this afternoon to--" + +"I guess I'm that appointment," I butts in, "or part of it, anyways. +Was you expectin' to look over a Gaflooey chummy roadster?" + +"Well, what of it?" he snaps. + +"My lord, the carriage awaits!" I says, makin' a bow. "Folley me and +you'll go motorin'!" + +"Are you the agent?" he asks, as we walk back over the lawn. + +"No," I says, "I'm his cousin. He's carryin' me along for luck or +somethin'. We also have a mechanic with us in case of fire. Are you +fond of automobilin'?" + +"Much more so than of conversation!" he barks. + +"That stops me!" I says. "I'm dumb from now on. What is it who's this +says? Silence is golden, speech is human--ain't it?" + +We have reached the car by this time, and Alex steps forward. + +"Good morning, Mister Sampson!" he says. "I want to thank you for the +company and myself, for volunteering your judgment as to whether our +new model chummy roadster is a good car or not." + +Sampson walks around it a couple of times, opens the hood, looks at the +motor and sniffs. + +"It's entirely too small!" he announces. "The body is grotesque, the +paint is a horrible color and the chassis seems out of alignment." + +"Exactly what I thought you would say!" agrees Alex, noddin' his head +like Sampson had raved over the car. "We will make any changes you +suggest. After all, you'll be the one to use it and that makes you the +one to be pleased. We have custom made suits, shoes and shirts--why +not custom made automobiles?" + +"Hmph!" grunts Sampson. + +"I'll fall," I says, hopin' to break the embarrassin' silence. "Why +not?" + +"Shut up!" hisses Alex. "Would you allow us to give you a little +spin?" he asks. + +"Ha, ha!" pipes the mechanic all of a sudden. "That's a hot one, ain't +it?" he grins at Sampson. "Sure, old top, we'll give you a spin!" he +says, jabbin' the floor board with his feet. "That's if this boiler +will roll. Some of you guys will have to give the motor a little spin, +if you want to go away from here. She's gone cold on me again! Gimme +a cigarette, will you?" + +Alex presented him with a glance that would of froze boilin' oil. + +"Step right in, Mister Sampson," he says. "We'll run around the roads +here and--" + +"We'll do nothing of the sort!" snaps Sampson. "I've got to be at my +office by three o'clock and you can drive me down there. In that way +I'll be wasting no time and I can see what your car can do through +traffic as well as on the road." + +"Elegant!" says Alex. "Step right in." + +Runyon Q. Sampson steps right in and after gettin' a cigarette from me, +the mechanic steps on the gas. We run every bit of a hundred yards +across the lawn and then all of a sudden the Gaflooey roadster stops +deader than Columbus. The mechanic tried everything from blowin' the +horn to crawlin' underneath it again, but they was nothin' stirrin'. + +"Well," he says to Alex, finally, "there's only one way we can get away +from here now!" + +"What's that?" asks Alex, bendin' down so's Runyon Q. Sampson won't +hear it. + +"By freight!" says the mechanic. "It seems to me that one of them rear +axles has gone to work and busted on us." + +"Listen to me," says Alex. "Get us away from here right away and +there's ten dollars extry in it for you!" + +"Now you're talkin' sense!" says the mechanic. "Gimme a cigarette." + +He grabs up the tool box and hides himself under the car again, while +Runyon Q. Sampson begins to fidget around and look at his watch like it +was the first one he ever seen. + +Twenty minutes passed, folleyed by thirty more, and still this mechanic +is under the car, makin' sounds like he was fillin' a rush order for +tin pans. Alex is as nervous as a cop makin' his first pinch and our +friend Sampson begins sayin' things about the Gaflooey roadster that +would never of been used by the builders as testimonials. Finally, +Alex whispers to me will I get underneath and see what the world's +champion auto mechanic is doin' to while away the time. + +I got out and looked under and--Oh, boy! + +This bird is layin' on the ground under the car, readin' a dope book on +the races! He's got the book in one hand and a hammer in the other and +every now and then he reaches back and wallops the dirt pan, without +lookin', so's it'll sound like he's fixin' things up. + +"What seems to be the trouble?" I asks him. + +"I think Dimpled Dan is like money from home in the first race to-day," +he says, "provided they--what--what are you doin' here?" he winds up, +droppin' the book. + +"Git outa there!" I hollers. "If you're a mechanic, I'm Christopher +Columbus!" + +"What d'ye expect for seventy cents an hour--Edison?" he growls. + +Runyon Q. Sampson has took it all in and now he lets out a beller and +leaps from the car. + +"You infernal idiot!" he bawls at poor Alex. "You've made me miss my +appointment. What do you mean by taking up my time with this travesty +on an automobile? Why, the thing can't even move! If this is the way +it performs when it's fresh from your factory, what can a man expect +when it's a few weeks old?" + +"Maybe it ain't ripe enough yet," I butts in, hopin' to save the +situation. "It does look kinda young, don't it?" + +"Silence!" roars Runyon Q. "I wouldn't buy one of your cars if they +were selling at three cents a carload! That's final! Don't you dare +come up and bother me again. Get this pile of junk off my place here +just as fast as you can, or, by the eternal, I'll have you all arrested +for trespassing!" + +With them few remarks he stamps off across the lawn, bellerin' like a +bull. + +"Well, Alex," I says, "at last you have hit somethin' in little old New +York that you can't do, eh?" + +"That old boob gimme a pain anyways!" remarks the mechanic. "What does +he know about machinery? Gimme a cigarette!" + +Alex sits down on the runnin' board of the Gaflooey chummy roadster and +lights a cigar. He puffs away, lookin' off in the air kinda sad and +mournful, like he had just been handed a wire readin', "Father has told +all. We are lost.--Agnes," or somethin' to that effect. Even though +he was a relative of the wife's and had spent every minute since he hit +New York confessin' to bein' a world beater, I felt sorry for him! +Runyon Q. Sampson was off the Gaflooey people for life, and Alex had +fell down on the biggest thing he'd tried yet. I knew how he must of +felt about it, so I went over and slapped him on the back. + +"Cheer up, Alex," I says. "I know that was a tough one to lose, but a +guy can't finish in front all the time! You know you ain't up in dear +old Vermont now and this town's much harder to beat than the average. +I told you that when you first come here. I knowed it was only a +question of time before you'd hit the bumps--everybody does sooner or +later in New York--and then you--" + +Alex gets up and throws away the cigar. + +"All I hope," he says. "All I hope is that the one they deliver to him +works all right!" + +"Deliver to who?" I says. + +"Runyon Q. Sampson!" he comes back. "I come up here to sell that +feller a Gaflooey chummy roadster and that's what I'm a goin' to dew! +I'll have his check before the end of the week. I don't know how I'm +gonna do it now, but in some way this here sale is gonna occur, you can +gamble on that! D'ye think a little thing like this can discourage me? +Why if the car had exploded and blowed us all up in the air while we +was sittin' in it, I would of sold Sampson the speedometer for a watch +before we had hit the ground again!" He turns around on the mechanic +and rolls up his sleeves. "The faster you git away from here, the +longer you'll live!" he snarls. "What art was you follerin' before you +took up automobiles?" + +"Well, to be on the level with you," says the mechanic, "I was second +man in a cigar store on Twenty-third Street. I got fired because me +and the cash register could never agree on the day's receipts. I seen +an ad for a mechanic at the Gaflooey service station and I got took on +there as a helper. A feller has got to do something don't he? Gimme a +cigarette." + +Alex makes a dash for him, but I hold him back. + +"Fade!" I warns him. "You're gettin' away with murder as it is, and if +I let this bird go they's no tellin' what'll happen to you!" + +"What do I get for my mornin's work, heh?" he hollers. + +"You're gettin' immunity!" I says. "Beat it!" + +"All right!" he snarls. "I oughta knowed I'd only get the worst of it +goin' out on a job with a coupla boobs like you guys. This feller +claims he's a salesman, hey? Well, I'll lay the world eight to five he +couldn't sell ice cream sodas in Hades! Gimme a ciga--" + +Alex throws the tool box at him, and he blows. + +While we're standin' there tryin' to figure out some way to get this +chummy roadster to make good, a guy steps out from behind a hedge and +joins our little party. He had just about passed the votin' age and he +wore a raincoat with one of them cute little belts around it, a +dare-devil soft hat and carried a suitcase. His feet dragged like they +wasn't used to such heavy exercise as walkin' and he steps in front of +us with a cigarette droopin' outa the corner of his mouth. + +"Pardon me," he yawns. "Are you having some difficulty with the car?" + +"Oh, fluently!" I says. "You must be a fortune teller. Some +difficulty is right! We been attemptin' to get away from here all +mornin' and it's the same as makin' the Russians think the Czar was a +good feller--there's nothin' doin'. I don't think the motor is tryin' +and--" + +He sets down the suitcase and yawns some more. + +"I know something about autos," he says. "Have a couple of my own and +occasionally I have to fuss around 'em a bit. Do you mind if I look at +the motor?" + +"We'd just love it!" I says. "Go to it." + +He opens the hood, yawns a coupla times and monkeys around for a minute. + +"Try her now," he says. + +Alex gets in and pushes a button with his foot. + +I don't know what this handsome stranger did, but whatever else it was, +it was a success, because the motor immediately begins to tear holes in +the peace and quiet of the surroundin' country. + +"She'll be all right as soon as she warms up now," says our savior. +"The gas was disconnected--coupling jolted off evidently--and one of +the cylinders was missing. Must have given you trouble on hills, +what?" he yawns some more. "Nice little bus," he says, "and, now, I +wonder if you'd do a favor for me?" + +"I only got four bucks on me," I says, "but you're welcome to that if +you can use it." + +He grins. + +"It isn't money," he says. "It's something more important than that." + +"Fudge!" says Alex. "There ain't no sich thing in this town!" + +"Yes there is!" says the newcomer, steppin' back to a hedge, "and here +it is!" + +With that, out steps the Venus de Milo wearin' both arms and a set of +scenery that must of enabled some Fifth Avenue store to move over to +Easy Street. She looked like what the press agents claim is in the +chorus of every musical comedy that hits Broadway and she's wearin' +enough diamonds to have keep the Alleys in tooth powder. After I had +got over bein' dazzled by the first look, I give her the East and West +again and recognize her. She's nothin' less than Margot Meringue, the +big movie star. + +"I'm Arnold Sampson," says the young feller, "and this is Mrs. Arnold +Sampson. My wife was formerly--" + +"I know," I butts in, "I seen her the week before last with the missus +in Marvelous Margot's Mistake. She was vampirin' around and--" + +"How did you like me?" smiles Margot. + +"Well," I says, "we seen the pitcher three times runnin'--is that good +enough?" + +"We have just been married," goes on Arnold, throwin' out what chest he +had with him. + +"Congratulations!" pipes Alex, shakin' his hand. + +"Pretty soft!" I says, doin' the same. + +"I saw you and father in the car here," explains Arnold, "and as you +appear to be friends of his, I wonder if you'd come up to the house +with us? Father is less liable to make a scene, if there is some one +else present. You see, he doesn't know that we're married as yet." + +Alex suddenly looks interested and nudges me to keep quiet. + +"I can see the whole thing in a nutshell," he says. "Your father +objects to you--oh--now--marryin' an actress, heh?" + +"No," yawns Arnold. "In this case the traditional is reversed. My +father objects to the actress marrying me!" he bows to Margot. "He is +personally quite fond of my wife and his objection is based solely upon +his own unflattering opinion of me. He declares I'll never be able to +support Mrs. Sampson in the manner she is accustomed to living, as her +income is something like fifty thousand a year. Father allows me a +bare five thousand and he refuses to increase it until I go to work in +his office, or something equally as silly. Can you imagine anything +more idiotic than that? Dad is worth millions and he expects me to +work!" + +"What an inhuman parent!" says Alex. "What have you got against work?" + +"My dear fellow," says Arnold, "I don't really know. I don't seem able +to get enthusiastic about it--that's all. I wouldn't mind going down +to Dad's office and toying with an adding machine or driving nails in +packing cases, but I'm sure I'd fall asleep on the job, or something +idiotic like that! You might say I lack the urge," he yawns and grins. +"I guess I wasn't built to hustle. I haven't got the pep, as we used +to say at--" + +"Listen!" butts in Alex, his eyes beginnin' to glitter. "You was built +the same as anybody else, only thinner. I know what's the matter with +you--c'mere, I'll show you!" He takes Arnold by the arm and leads him +over to the Gaflooey chummy roadster. "D'ye see that automobile +there?" he says. "Look at it. What is it--nothin' but a pile of metal +and wood! It can't talk, it can't think--but it's got a little button +down there in the dash and when you push it, that car will keep on +runnin' till the gasoline gives out or it hits a tree! That button's +called a self-commencer and that's what you need! Ain't there no +buttons up in your head that you can push and get yourself goin'? Is +that pile of metal better than you? You can go down now and take a job +where you won't get your hands dirty, but if your Dad hadn't been a +self-starter fifty years ago, _you'd_ be callin' a Wop foreman 'Boss' +to-day and likin' it!" + +Arnold stops yawnin' and looks interested, where he don't look mad. +Margot nods her head and puts her hand on his arm. + +"Arnold dear," she says, "he's right! It's time you did try to do +something, especially now. I don't want to lecture you, dear, but--" + +"I don't know whether he's right or not," says Arnold, "but I do know +that extraordinary speech of his has me thinking. Also, it sounded +great to me and there's no reason why it shouldn't sound just as great +to Dad! He loves that sort of thing and I'm going up and repeat it, +word for word! I'm going to tell him we're married and that I'll start +to work for him whenever he likes. I can try it, anyhow!" + +Margot looks at Alex like she would kiss him if it wasn't for the looks +of the thing, and Alex whispers in my ear that the Gaflooey roadster is +as good as sold. We all got in it--it was runnin' like a watch +now--and roll up to the house. The newly-weds goes inside, while me +and Alex stays out on the porch, and in about half an hour they come +out again, bringin' old Runyon Q. Sampson with 'em. The old gent walks +over to Alex and holds out his hand. + +"My boy," he says, "I want to thank you for what you've done to this +cub of mine. I don't know what you told him, but he's a different +person from the time I saw him last. He sounds like a real man, now! +I'm going to do something for you in return. I won't buy one of these +infernal cars of yours, wouldn't have it for a gift! But, if you'll +tell me what your commission on the sale would have amounted to, I'll +write you a check for that figure." + +Margot looks at Alex, and then she looks at the car. + +"Why, I think its a perfect dear!" she says, "and those colors real +harmony itself!" + +Alex bounces forward, his eyes glitterin' again. + +"We were thinkin' of callin' this model the Margot Meringue," he says, +"and--" + +"Come, come!" interrupts old Runyon Q., "let's straighten this matter +up." He takes out his check book and fountain pen. "I want to take +you children down to Tiffany's and have Margot pick out a suitable +wedding gift. We have--" + +"May I have anything I want?" asks Margot, kinda innocent. + +"Of course you can!" beams the old boy, pinchin' her cheek. + +"Then buy me a Gaflooey chummy roadster!" she says. "I think this one +is a perfect love of a car!" + +Oh, boy! + +Alex tries to look unconcerned, but he couldn't help droppin' his hat. +The old man coughs and gets red in the face, but he was game. + +"All right!" he snorts at Alex. "You win. You can say you're the only +man that ever got the best of Runyon Q. Sampson! What's the amount?" + +I went into the office of the Gaflooey Company with Alex when he went +back and the president is waitin' for him with blood in his eye. + +"You needn't begin your excuses!" he says to Alex. "The mechanic has +told me how you made a mess of everything and Sampson refused to buy +the car. I didn't think they made any ten-thousand-a-year-men up in +Vermont when I hired you, but I took a chance. New York's too big for +you fellows; I guess you were only a flash in the pan! Just think what +it would have meant had you sold the car to old Sampson! Why, the +advertising alone would--" + +"I guess you're right about me bein' a flash in the pan," butts in +Alex, "but I found another pan! I don't know whether this is any good +for advertisin' or not, but I sold that chummy roadster to Sampson and +he has give it to his daughter-in-law for a weddin' gift." + +The president jumps from his chair, very light for a man of his heft. + +"Great!" he hollers, "great!" He looks at Sampson's check which Alex +hands over. "I knew you'd do it! I saw you had the stuff in you the +minute you first walked in this office. That's the place to get first +string men--right from the country, and Vermont has furnished more than +her share. They told me you'd fall down because New York was too big +for you, but I knew different. They can't fool me when it comes to +judging men! I'll get our advertising men right to work on this copy, +and we'll hit the morning papers with it. This is great! Now if +Sampson's daughter-in-law was only in the public eye, know what I mean, +this would be wonderful! We've had a man after Margot Meringue for a +month, but she's away somewhere. You probably won't know her; she's a +big movie star and we'd _give_ her a car if she'd only endorse it. +Why, if we landed her--" + +"That's who Sampson give the car to," says Alex. "His son and her just +got wed and he give her the Gaflooey roadster for a weddin' gift. How +about that New York manager job--do I get it?" + +"Do you get it!" shrieks the president. "Why, say--you're _it_, right +now!" + +"That's fine!" says Alex. "I'll take the job the day after to-morrow!" + +"I see!" says the president, breakin' his neck tryin' to make himself a +good fellah. "You want a day off after your labors, eh?" + +"No!" says Alex, "I got to go out and see Sampson again to-morrow, +because havin' give this roadster to his daughter-in-law, naturally +he'll need one for hisself now!" + + + + +CHAPTER III + +PLAY YOUR ACE! + +This here combination that opens the door to success is a funny +thing--everybody's lookin' for it and everybody's got it! Some guys +knows just where to put their hands on it when they get the big chance +to crack the safe of fame and as a result they become boss bankers or +boss bricklayers--either of which is a trick and hard to do. Other +guys forget the first three numbers or somethin' and never get better +than John Smiths in the telephone book of life. + +It takes speed to get a baseball from the pitcher to the catcher, but +it's _control_ that puts the pill over the plate, which may be the +answer to why John D. Rockefeller ain't payin' _you_ rent and you got +your first time to be elected president of anything, from the dear old +U. S. A. to the Red Carnation Social Club. Instead of sittin' around +knockin' winners every time the papers print a new one, give yourself +the once over and see if you can find out what _your_ trick is. You +may only be able to wiggle your left ear funnier than anybody on the +block--Great! _Cash on it_! It's a cinch you can do _somethin',_ and +once you find out what that somethin' is, the rest is as easy as +fallin' off Pike's Peak! + +No--easier! Because you gotta climb Pike's Peak before you can fall +off. You may be a guy like Hector Sells, which started life with a +straight flush, and played it like it was a pair of deuces. If +somebody hadn't peeped over his shoulder, seen what he held and played +it for him, Hector would still be thinkin' that the only guy in the +world drawin' over twenty bucks a week was J. P. Morgan. As it is, +Hector has $2.75 right now for every wave in the ocean, and when you go +to see him, you become acquainted with all the office boys in the world. + +Here's the answer. + +One night after dinner the wife and I are provin' to each other that +the road of true love is rough and full of detours, when they's a ring +at the bell. We practised self-denial and laid off scrappin' long +enough for friend wife to open the door. I made a bet with myself and +win easy. In comes Alex. + +"Huh!" he says. "Is they an argument goin' on here again?" + +"You said it!" I tells him. "Come on in, you're just in time. We'll +make it three-handed!" + +"I don't know why you got married when you're always quarrelin'," he +says, sittin' down. + +"That ain't all you don't know!" I says. + +"Kindly lay off my cousin," says the wife. "They ain't no use in +showin' the world that I have married a brute!" + +With that she presses four dollars' worth of Irish lace against her +eyes and develops a cold in the head. So the same as usual, I went +over and patted her on the shoulder which was shakin' the most. + +"You win, honey!" I says, with a dollar's worth of vaseline on every +word. "I'll never speak another harsh word to you or Alex again. The +next time I feel sarcastic, I'll go out in the kitchen and have some +words with the cat. Everybody in the apartment house knows what I +think of _you_, and I must be _wild_ over Alex or he'd never be in this +flat a second time. If--" + +"Never mind the salve!" cuts in the wife. "You'd talk your way out of +pneumonia!" + +But they was a smile went with that--the same giggle that used to make +'em fight for standin' room in the Winter Garden. So we was all happy +and carefree again, with the exception of Alex. + +"You're too easy with him!" he growls to the wife, disappointed because +peace had come. "If you'd punish him, he'd be a better husband." + +"She does punish me somethin' cruel!" I says. "By invitin' _you_ up +every day!" + +And then of course all bets was off and we all went over the top again! + +In about an hour, the people in the next flat had enough, and mentioned +the fact to the landlord. He let us in on it by way of the phone, and +all was quiet along the Hudson again. + +"I come up here to-night to tell you somethin'," says Alex. + +"They's always the United States mail," I says. + +"I ain't talkin' to you, I'm speakin' to Cousin Alice!" snarls Alex. + +"She can read too!" I says. + +"I been thinkin' this here thing over for weeks," he goes on, turnin' +his chair so's I can get a good view of his back, "and I made up my +mind to-day to go ahead with it." + +"What is it, Alex?" asks the wife, all excited. "I know it's goin' to +be somethin' wonderful!" + +"You ain't gonna tell me you're gonna stop eatin' here, are you?" I +says. "Because if you are, I'm gonna beat it! I heard tell of guys +dyin' of joy and I ain't takin' no chances!" + +"The whole trouble with you," says Alex, "is a simple case of jealousy. +You was born and brung up in this rube burg called New York and the +best you could do in thirty-five years was to get yourself foreman of a +baseball team! I--" + +"Yeh!" I butts in. "I fell down the same as Caruso. All he can do is +sing!" + +"I come here from Vermont," goes on Alex, now on his favorite subject, +"and right off the reel I get me a ten thousand a year job, not +countin' commissions, sellin' autos. Now I claim that what _I_ did in +New York can be done by anybody--and I'm here to prove it! It's just +as easy to be a roarin' success in New York as it is in Paterson, N. +J.--and just as hard! There's many a Charlie Chaplin sellin' groceries +and many a Theodore Roosevelt carryin' bricks! In their off hours and +in the privacy of their homes, them fellers is doin' for _nothin'_, +what Chaplin, Roosevelt, Dempsey and so forth got _paid off_ on! If a +man's a gambler, for instance, and he bets on a race horse, the chances +are he stays up all night lookin' up the past performances of that +horse and seein' just what he can do under all conditions. He studies +how the horse finished on a muddy track and where he come in when the +track was fast. He makes note of what the horse did under different +weights and different jockeys. He watches what it does against certain +other horses. Then when he thinks everything is favorable, he bets his +money! He--" + +"Look here, Alex!" I butts in. "Did you come all the way up here +to-night to lay me on a horse race?" + +"No!" he snorts, in disgust, "I come up here to lay you on _yourself_! +If this same man that studies the dope before he bets on a horse, would +study the dope on _himself_ with the same attention to detail, before +he enters the handicap of life--he'd be a winner! He wouldn't have to +bet on no horses or nothin' else, because he'd be his own best bet! +He'd find out what his particular ace was and play it to the limit +every time! Instead of that, the average feller spends his time +sittin' in the greatest game in the world--life--drawin' five cards +every time and waitin' for the royal flush to be dealt him pat. He--" + +"My goodness, Alex!" remarks the wife, "I didn't know you was a +gambler. Where did you learn all those poker terms?" + +"He once claimed casino was vicious, too!" I says. + +Alex gets up and reaches for his hat. + +"There ain't no use talkin' to people which has checked their brains +with the hat boy!" he says. "But before I go, I wanna tell you this. +Every man has got the key to his own success buried in him somewhere, +and I'll bet I can take the champion dub of any given precinct and make +him a winner the minute I find out where he hid _his_!" + +"Let's go to the movies, instead of fightin' like cats and dogs," +remarks the wife, puttin' on her handbag. + +"Yes!" sneers Alex, "let's go to the movies and knock the leadin' man +because he's gettin' $30,000 a year, and let's explain to each other +how he's gettin' away with murder and ain't got a thing but his looks. +That's much better than sittin' down and figurin' how we can make the +same amount of money, if we--" + +"Look here, Alex!" I interrupts, gettin' a trifle peeved. "You took me +for eight hundred berries when you first invaded New York and, sucker +like, I'm lookin' for a come-back. Are you on the level with that +stuff about you bein' able to put _anybody_ over if you get in their +corner?" + +"Am I on the level with it?" he says. "Why, say!--I'm goin' in the +_business_ of makin' successes outa dubs! I'm gonna take 'em one by +one, put 'em over and charge a reasonable percentage for my work. I'm +sick and tired of the automobile game and I'm gonna incorporate myself +as Alex Hanley, S. D." + +"What's the S. D. for?" I asks. "South Dakota?" + +"No--Success Developer!" he says. "I ain't selfish--I put myself over +and now I'm gonna put 'em _all_ over! At the same time, as I say, I'll +charge a reasonable sum for my work. Why this is bigger business than +Wall Street, makin' men instead of breakin' 'em and--" + +"Stop talkin' for a second, Alex," I says, "and get a new sensation! I +got an idea of what that reasonable charge of yours will be, that's +provided your scheme works, which it prob'ly won't. If you cause a guy +to make himself twenty dollars, your fee won't exceed a hundred and +fifty! You're as liberal with money as Grant's Tomb is with advice. +But if you're on the level with this, I'll bet you a thousand bucks, +American money, to five hundred of the same coinage, that you'll flop +like a seal on your first try. They's only one thing you gotta do!" + +"What is it?" he asks. He was thinkin' of them thousand bucks and his +eyes sparkled till you could of hocked 'em anywheres for five hundred +apiece. + +"You gotta let _me_ pick the first victim!" I says. + +"Not to change the subject," remarks the wife to me, "if you got a +thousand dollars for purposes of bettin', they's a ring in Tiffany's +window which will come here to-morrow escorted by a C.O.D. bill. The +price and one thousand dollars is the same." + +"Do you think I print this money myself?" I hollers. + +"I would of married you long ago if I did!" she says, smilin' sweetly. + +"Think of a man mean enough to argue about money with his lovin' wife!" +sneers Alex. + +"If _you_ was married," I says, "your wife would think they had stopped +the circulation of all money, with the exception of nickels!" + +"Ha! Ha!" he sneers, like a movie villain. "I just give Eve Rossiter +an engagement ring that can be _pawned_ for eight hundred men!" + +"I think you're four flushin'," I hollers, gettin' warmed up, "but you +can't hang nothin' on me! You go down to Tiffany's, honey," I tells +the wife, "and get that thousand buck ring--but put up a battle for it +at $750!" + +The wife pulls her million-dollar smile and gimme a chaste salute, as +the guy says, on the forehead. Then she opens her sea-goin' handbag +and takes somethin' out. + +"Here it is, dear!" she says, with the giggle that made me a married +man, "I knowed you'd fall, so I got it this morning! It was only $987. +Ain't I the great little buyer?" + +Oh, boy! + +"Well," I says to Alex, "it seems to be the open season for takin' me. +Does that bet go?" + +"It does!" he says, rubbin' his hands together like a crap shooter. + +"And I produce the first candidate for fame and fortune?" + +"Bring him on!" he grins, winkin' at the wife--a thing he knows I +loathe. + +We shook hands on it and I went out into the kitchen to laugh it over +with the cat. I'm a soft-hearted boob and I hate to take a sucker, at +that. But accordin' to my dope, that dough of friend Alex's was the +same as in the bank in my name! + +Now the bird I had in mind to make me win this bet from Alex was a +pitcher I had on the payroll who's name was Hector Sells. He would of +been just as rotten a ball player if his name had been First Base, +Center Field or Short Stop. He could do everything in the world with a +baseball, with the slight exception of gettin' it over the plate, and, +when he pitched, his main difficulty was keepin' the pill outa left +field. In the seven years he had been stealin' wages from my club his +twirlin' percentage read like the thermometer in Alaska and when he +come to bat, as far as he ever found out, first base was in Berlin. I +put him on the third base coachin' line one afternoon and he tries to +send a runner back to second when the batter triples. I tried this guy +out at every position on the team and he made so many errors that the +official scorers went out and bought addin' machines every time he +appeared in the line-up. If they was anything on earth connected with +the game of baseball that Hector could do, he never showed it to me, +and puttin' a uneyform on him was the same as givin' a blind man a pair +of opera glasses. + +Yet with all this, that guy thought he was the greatest baseball player +that ever laid hold of a glove. He not only thought it, he _conceded_ +it. + +For the past year, Hector had played out the schedule from the dugout, +with the exception of six games he pitched against the Athletics. He +lost an even six. I sent him to every flag station in North America +where they looked on baseball as a game, and Hector would come back at +the end of the season with his suit case jammed full of unconditional +releases. Him and pneumonia was just as easy to get rid of as far as I +was concerned and we started off every season with Hector in our midst. + +Three winters in succession I loaned that guy enough dough to set +himself up in business, so's he'd lay off me and watch the pastime from +the grandstand. He lost a cigar store shootin' craps, a pool room +bettin' with the customers and a delicatessen because he eat all the +stock himself. I got him a job on the road sellin' sportin' goods, and +the only thing he sold all year was a pitcher's glove at $1.25. He +bought that himself. + +Now the thing is--why did I keep a guy like that on my club for the +lengthy space of seven years? The newspaper birds claimed Hector had +seen me murder somebody or somethin', because they says I wouldn't let +him in a ball park with a ticket, if he didn't have _somethin'_ on me +that must be kept from the world at any price. Well, it wasn't nothin' +like that--but it was somethin' just as good, as the grocer says. Me +and Hector was kids together in the same ward, and when we started out +to dumfound the world, he had a bankroll which his beloved father left +him and I had nothin' but freckles. I practically lived off that guy +till me and real money became well acquainted, so I couldn't see him +get the worst of it now. It would of broke his heart if he ever got +shoved outa organized baseball--he was a maniac about the game! So +Hector drawed his dough every season, come what may--and at that I was +doin' no more than he did for me. + +I managed to keep him busy in some way about the park--always with a +uneyform on--and now and then I let him pitch an innin' when we had the +game locked away in the safe deposit vault. In all the seven years, he +never missed a single day showin' up at the park and he was the +rottenest ball player that ever stood under a shower. Them was +Hector's two records! + +Well, I dragged Alex out to the ball park the next day and pointed out +Hector to him. We was playin' St. Looey and along around the sixth +innin' we had the game sewed up so tight that they couldn't of won it +in a raffle. I took out Harmon and sent Hector in to pitch. + +"Gaze over this bird carefully, Alex!" I says, "because he's the baby +you're gonna pay off on! I claim you are now peerin' at the champion +dub of the world. If you can make a winner outa him or discover what +he has failed to develop that would make him one, I'll not only pay my +end of our bet with a grin, but I'll throw in a weddin' chest of silver +for you and Eve Rossiter!" + +"Write that down!" says Alex; "and sign your full name to it!" + +"You don't think I'd welsh on you, do you?" I says, gettin' sore. + +"I don't know if they's enough ink in this or not," he answers, handin' +me a fountain pen. "Write it on the back of this card." + +When the crowd sees Hector strollin' out to the box, they give him his +usual reception, which was the same as the Kaiser would have got if +he'd walked down Broadway along in April, 1917. The first guy up for +St. Looey hit a roller through the box and Hector stood on his left +shoulder tryin' to pick it up. The runner only got as far as second +before Hector arose. The next guy put a neat round hole in the right +field fence, makin' it two runs. Well, before it was three out they +had got four more and the only guy connected with the St. Looey team +that didn't get a hit was the owner. They only quit slammin' the pill +because they had batted themselves sick and could no longer stagger up +to the plate. + +Hector comes to bat in the next innin' with the bases as full as a +miner on pay night. He lets two go by, right in the slot, and he fell +down skinnin' his nose, swingin' at the next for the third and last +strike. + +I removed him by hand and sent in a ball player to pitch the rest of +the game. + +"Well, Alex," I says on the way home, "what do you think of your +patient?" + +"Is he as bad as that every day?" he asks me. + +"No," I says. "He was Ty Cobb and Walter Johnson to-day, alongside of +what he usually is!" + +"Hmmph!" grunts Alex. "I can see he ain't a ball player, anyway." + +"You been readin' 'Sherlock Holmes,'" I says. + +"Baseball ain't everything!" declares Alex, rubbin' his nose. "And the +point we have to consider is--what _can_ he do?" + +"That's easy!" I says. "How much is seven from seven?" + +"Why--nothin'," says Alex. + +"That's Hector!" I says. + +With that I told him Hector's pedigree from the time he crossed my path +when an infant, to date. I left out nothin' and laid it on good and +thick. I explained how Hector had been the world's most consistent +failure from the time he had been introduced as "It's a boy!" up to the +time of writin' and when I got all through, Alex grins like a wolf. + +"A most promisin' case!" he says. "This here's somethin' that's gonna +put me on my mettle, right at the start. The tougher a thing looks, +the more appetizin' it strikes me! Now I'll take it for granted that +this man's got no _strong_ points. All right--that's nothin' but a +detail! You've told me a lot of hard things about him, but you ain't +said he ain't human--and if he's human he's got a _weakness_! A +well-developed weakness in a man has often been turned into glitterin' +gold. Does he drink?" + +"Let's save time," I says. "Hector don't know whether whiskey and beer +is drinks, or the battery for to-day's game. He couldn't tell you +offhand whether tobacco was a thing to chew and smoke or the latest fox +trot. The only woman he ever met twice was his mother, and he thinks +sayin' 'Darnation!' in earnest is the same as homocide. His only love +is baseball and his only weakness is his stomach!" + +"Aha!" says Alex. "I knew we'd get at it! He's fond of food, eh?" + +"Fond of it?" I says. "Why, this guy can do more things with a steak +than Edison can do with a pint of electricity! He took me to a dinner +he cooked himself one night and the only thing I recognized on the +table was the water. Everything was fixed up after his own recipes and +at the drop of a hat he can tell you how many of them calories and +proteins they is in a pea!" + +"That's enough!" hollers Alex. "He's as good as over right now! He +simply picked the wrong trade when he took up baseball, and I'll get +him a job as chef in one of the famous hotels so--" + +"Don't make me laugh!" I cuts him off. "Would I of bet you, if it was +as easy as that? They ain't a chance on earth--I thought of that years +ago. Hector wouldn't boil water for money--he only cooks that stuff up +for himself. He--" + +"A true artist, eh?" says Alex, kinda thoughtful. "That makes it all +the better! Bring him up for dinner to-morrow night and let me study +him. In a week I'll collect that little bet from you and then I'll be +ready to take on the next case." + +"You certainly stand well with yourself, don't you?" I sneers. "Well, +lemme give you a little tip. Don't try to get that bird to give up +baseball, because they ain't a Chinaman's chance of that! The only +chance you got is to put him over as a ball player, and if _you_ can do +_that_, I can sell electric fans to the Esquimaux!" + +"Bring him up to-morrow night," says Alex, grinnin' like a wolf. "This +looks like a cinch to me!" + +I went to Hector in the clubhouse the next afternoon. He had had a +hard day playin' the White Sox--from the bench. + +"Where are you goin' to-night?" I asks him. + +He flushes up a bit. + +"Well, Mac," he says, "I have finally found a joint where they know how +to cook 'em without abusin' 'em and I was figurin' on goin' there +first, so--" + +"Cook what?" I butts in. + +"Alligator pears!" he says. "Y'know they is a lot of nourishment in +them babies when they're properly prepared and--" + +"You'll be around at that beanery _to-morrow_ night!" I shuts him off. +"To-night you're comin' up and have dinner with me." + +He gets one shade redder. + +"Why," he stammers, "Ahumph! That--er--that's terrible fine of you, +Mac, but on the level, I--y'know this place is the only one in New York +where they can cook them things and I'm a hound after them! I--" + +"Come on!" I says. "We're gonna give the subway a play. The wife's +expectin' you and I got a friend that's crazy to meet you. Are you +gonna throw me down?" + +He backs away and ruffles his hair. + +"Mac," he says, "I'll have dinner with you to-night on one condition!" + +"Shoot!" I says. + +"Well, Mac," he tells me, "they ain't no doubt in my mind that your +wife is some cook, but if I'm gonna eat this stuff--I--well, I demand +the privilege of cookin' it!" + +"Where d'ye get that stuff?" I says. "Why--" + +"Lemme do this, Mac," he says, "and you'll never regret it. I can hang +it on any chef in New York for money and you'll eat the greatest meal +you ever got outside of in your life!" + +Well, this was new stuff to me, but I figured I was gonna get five +hundred bucks outa it by way of Alex, so I fell. + +"All right!" I says. "Come up and cook your head off. I'm game! But +if you're as good a cook as you are a ball player, I can see where me +and the wife suspends friendly relations for about a year!" + +Alex is already on hand when we get to the house and I introduced him +to Hector. + +"Howdy!" he says. "I seen you pitch the other day and I must say it +was a treat! The support they give you was brutal or you'd of shut +them other fellers out with ease." + +"You know it!" says Hector. "If they's any one thing I can do, it's +play baseball. That's my dish!" + +The wife horns in. + +"I'm so glad to meet you, Mister Sells," she says, givin' Hector the +old oil. "My husband talks of nothin' but you night and day!" + +Which was true--only not the way she meant it. + +"That's fine!" says Hector. "Me and Mac has been friends since they +burnt Rome. Where's the kitchen?" + +I showed him, and the wife shakes her head as much as to say, "Another +rummy, eh?" I steered Hector over to the ice box and told him to go +ahead and run wild. When I come out, Alex is featurin' his famous +grin, and I gotta show the wife my breath. In about ten minutes the +kitchen door opens and Hector's head pops out. His hands is full of +flour and so's his suit for that matter, but his face is all lit up +like Coney Island. + +"I don't wanna be no bother, Mrs. Mac," he pipes, "but could a man get +a apron around here?" + +We got him inside of some gingham, and he disappeared into the kitchen +again. + +"Where d'ye get them birds?" says the wife, noddin' after him. + +"Sssh!" says Alex. "That feller there is gonna make us all rich before +the month is over! We'll have more money than we can count and--" + +"Oh, won't that be grand!" says the wife, who'd believe Alex if he told +her Missouri started the war. "Then I can have everything I want." + +"I thought _that_ happened when you got _me_," I says. + +"Still," she sighs, payin' me no attention as usual, "money ain't +everything." + +"No," says Alex, "but it'll get it!" + +"We always was used to money," goes on the wife, gettin' kinda doped +under the influence of the sweet and savory odors which was comin' from +the kitchen. "You know, Alex, that our family was connected with the +best people in Vermont." + +"They ain't got a thing on a telephone operator," I says. "They get +connected with the best people in the United States every day!" + +I don't get a tumble from either of them. + +"There was Great-uncle Ed," proceeds the wife, kinda dreamy. "If he +hadn't died so sudden, he'd of been worth a million." + +I tried my luck again. + +"That's the one that turned out to be a carbolic acid fiend, ain't it?" +I says. + +At this point, the greatest meal that ever played a date at our flat, +come outa the kitchen escorted by Hector. One whiff of that layout and +the greatest chef in the world would of gone out and bought a revolver. +Hector is nothin' but smiles. + +"Give this a whirl!" he says. "And lemme know what you think of it. I +didn't have much to work with--only lamb chops, vegetables and the +like, but I did what I could." + +Oh, boy!--that was _some_ feed! Conversation lagged a bit for about +half a hour, while we fell to and demolished this stuff, and Hector +swells up like a human yeast cake under the kind words that come his +way. Finally, we had to quit eatin' for lack of further accommodations +and the wife tells Hector that they ain't no doubt about it, as a cook +he wins the garage. + +"Oh, that's nothin'," he says; gettin' an attack of modesty. "I'm +kinda fussy about my food and I been figurin' out different ways of +cookin' up stuff to get the best outa it, for years. That's the only +amusement I got. I ain't so much as a cook, but you oughta see me play +ball, heh, Mac?" + +The old glitter comes into Alex's eyes. + +"I seen you play ball, Mister Sells," he says, "and you are a knockout! +But what you just said about food interests me more. I'm kinda odd +regardin' vittles myself and what I seen in the paper to-day has got me +worried sick." + +"What was that?" says Hector. + +"Well," says Alex, "there's gonna be a fearful shortage of all kinds of +meats and vegetables, because all the available food in the U. S. is +about to be seized for the army. This time next year we'll all prob'ly +be livin' on bread and water and lucky to get it!" + +Hector gets as white as precipitated chalk. + +"You don't mean it!" he gasps, gettin' half outa his chair. + +"It's a fact," says Alex. "I was only readin' it this mornin'." + +I thought Hector was gonna fall dead at our feet. + +"But--but what am _I_ gonna do?" he says, kinda dazed. + +"What are _you_ gonna do?" I sneers. "What are we _all_ gonna do?" + +"You don't get me!" he says. "It's all well enough for you guys which +can eat common ordinary food like ham and eggs and steaks and chops, +but I can't _go_ that stuff! All the time I ain't out at the ball park +I'm experimentin' with different kinds of stuff to eat, and if they go +to work and shut off all them rare vegetables and so forth on me--well, +I don't eat, that's all!" + +He gets up and reaches for his hat. + +"Well," says Alex, "I can see that you and me is pretty much alike. I +can't eat porterhouse steaks and French lamb chops as a steady diet, +either! My stomach craves them rare dishes the same as yours does, and +it sure looks like you and me is gonna starve to death when this food +conservation thing goes through!" + +Hector slaps his hands together and squares his jaw. + +"_I_ ain't gonna starve!" he says. "They has got to be 1,500 calories +and a amount of proteins in proportion go into my system every day. +Not only that, its gotta be in a tasty form! I'm gonna go home and +figure this thing out so's I'll be took care of when the government +grabs off all the food supplies. They must be somethin' a man can do! +Good night, folks--and thanks for the use of the kitchen." + +With that he blows. + +"I think he's a nut!" remarks the wife, when the hall door bangs. + +"Leave him be!" says Alex, rubbin' his hands together, a habit that +gets my goat. "I got him started now and--" + +"Say!" I says. "I didn't see nothin' in no paper about the government +gonna seize all the eats. I think you was kiddin' Hector, myself!" + +"You didn't see the Civil War, either, did you?" says Alex. "I suppose +you don't believe that, eh? I told you I was gonna put this feller +over and if you'll leave me be, I will! I told you every man had an +ace buried somewhere, didn't I? Well, Hector's ace is his mad +infatuation for his stomach. He's never played it yet, because there's +been no reason to do so. As long as he had the money, he could buy the +stuff and hash it up in any way his peculiar tastes desired. Once he +thinks he _can't_ do that, he'll put all he's got under his hat into +findin' a way to get all them proteins and calories he wants. I've +given him somethin' he never had before--an incentive--and--" + +"What do you figure Hector's gonna do to startle the world?" I says. + +"Search me!" says Alex, grinnin', "but we'll all get paid off on +whatever it is, you can gamble on that!" + +The wife sniffs. + +"I never heard tell of no man that couldn't eat porterhouse steaks!" +she says. + +"I seen a lot of them to-day," says Alex, puttin' on his coat. + +"Where?" asks the wife. + +"I was passin' the Evergreen Cemetery!" says Alex. "Good night, all!" + +The next day, Hector comes to me before the game and you never seen +such a change in a guy in your life! He looked like he hadn't slept a +wink since they buried Washington and he's as nervous as a steam drill. + +"Mac," he says, "I wanna ask two favors off of you, the first I asked +in a long while." + +"Shoot, Hector!" I tells him. "You know I can deny you nothin'." + +"I want a week off and the loan of five hundred bucks," he says. + +"I'll tell you," I says. "Take _two_ weeks off and forget about the +five hundred, heh?" + +"No, Mac--I gotta have the dough!" he says. "With what I got saved up, +I figure it'll be ample." + +"Ample for what?" I asks. + +"I can't tell no man nothin' about it now," he answers, "but when I +come back from my vacation, I'll let you in on it. I don't like to say +this, Mac--but when I was slippin' it to you, I never asked whether you +wanted it to get a hair cut with or to try and put Wall Street on the +bum. If--" + +"That's enough!" I cuts him off, takin' out the roll. "Here you are, +Hector--and if you want any more they's plenty of it where that come +from!" + +They was--in the mint. + +When Hector had put some distance between himself and the ball park, I +begin to think the thing over. If he _did_ pull any startlin' stunt, I +stood to lose a thousand bucks, not countin' the weddin' gift, to Alex. +They was five hundred more I'd invested right then, makin' fifteen +hundred in all, which I considered was gettin' into money. For all I +knowed, Hector and Alex might be framin' me and they ain't no man +livin' who loves bein' a sucker. + +I decided right then and there to shoot another nickel on the thing and +I called up the Ryan Detective Agency. Mike Ryan had been a friend of +me and Hector since we'd been in baseball. I told him the whole layout +and asked for a report on the activities of Hector the followin' day, +if possible. + +It was three days before I seen Ryan's report. He give it to me +himself by mouth. + +"Say!" he says. "This Hector bird has gone nutty, and I suppose bein' +friends of his, you and me had better have him put away where he can't +do himself no violence." + +"What's he doin'?" I asks. + +"Well," says Ryan, "I'll give you the dope since he left the ball park +on Monday. The first thing he does is go to the bank and draw out +every nickel he's got. Then he moves from the hotel to Cereal +Crossin', N. J. This burg casts eleven votes for president every four +years and they all work on the same farm. Hector hires a shack away +out in the middle of the woods there and, from then on, boxes and +crates begins to arrive for him from everywheres but Brazil. I met up +with a Secret Service guy who had dropped in to get a line on what +kinda bombs Hector was makin' before pinchin' him, and we went through +this express stuff durin' the night. The first crate we tackled +contained all the glassware in the world of a medical nature. They was +bottles, test tubes, bowls and all the stuff usual found in a practical +anarchist's workshop. After the first peep, the Secret Service guy +wanted to run right over and fit Hector with iron bracelets, but I got +him to hold off long enough to look over the rest of the stuff. We +went through every box and what d'ye think we found in 'em?" + +"I wasn't there," I says. "Tell me." + +"Well," says Ryan, grinnin', "when all this stuff was assembled, it +would make a first class delicatessen shop and that's all! They was +meats, cheese, olive oil, fish, vegetables, pickles, mustard and about +fifteen other eatables I never seen or heard tell of before in my life! +We busted a lot of it open, lookin' for explosives, but they was all on +the level. Why, that bird's got enough stuff down there to keep him in +food for the rest of his life!" + +I bust out laughin'. + +"Ha, ha!" I says. "That's it! The poor fathead went and fell for that +bunk Alex handed him and he's gone and laid in that stuff so's he won't +starve when the government seizes the food supplies. Can you tie that?" + +"I always thought he was a little queer," says Ryan. "Especially when +he claims he's a ball player. Let's get him in some nice, private +sanitarium somewheres and I'll split the bill with you." + +"Leave him alone!" I says. "I'll take care of this myself. If he +stays there long enough, I gotta chance to win a piece of money and--" + +"All right!" says Ryan. "It ain't no milk outa my coffee, but that +bird oughta be under lock and key!" + +I could hardly wait to tell Alex about Hector's first step towards +success. I rung him up immediately and give him the dope, windin' up +by askin' when he'd be ready to pay me off. + +"Pay _you_ off?" he says. "Save that comedy for Cousin Alice! Just +you leave Hector be now; from what you tell me everything's goin' fine +and--" + +"Goin' fine?" I hollers. "When that poor simp buries himself in Jersey +with all the food in the world, do you call that makin' good?" + +"Gimme a week!" says Alex. "He said he'd be back then, and if he ain't +shown somethin' by that time, you get the check." + +"Fair enough!" I says, "and have it certified." + +The followin' Monday night, Alex as usual is honorin' me and the wife +with his presence at dinner. I was in such good humor that I didn't as +much as wince when he calls for another piece of roast beef, makin' an +even eight. Hector had failed to appear as advertised and the noted +Success Developer had promised to pay me off before he left. They was +a ring at the bell and the wife ushers in Hector, ruinin' the night for +me! + +"I would of reported at the ball park this afternoon like I promised," +he says, "only I was in a burg where the only time a train ever stopped +there was when one went off the track." + +I hardly knowed it was the same Hector which went away the week before. +His cheeks was filled out past the legal limit and he had a color that +would make an insurance company let him write his own policy. He was +Alfred Q. Health--that's all! + +"I'm sorry to see you people eatin' the flesh of the cow, roasted in an +unscientific manner," he says. "One slab of that is shy just +forty-eight calories and they's more proteins in a filetted bean!" He +reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little package. "If I can draw +up a chair here," he says, "I'll have dinner with you." + +"I'll get another plate," says the wife, "and some coffee--" + +"Not a thing!" says Hector. "I got mine with me!" With that he +unwraps the package and pulls out a thing about the size of a deck of +cards. I thought at first it was a razor hone, but Hector bites into +it. "Just a glass of water," he says, "though with this a man don't +even need that!" + +Alex bounces outa his chair and gimme the laugh. + +"What's that?" he hollers at Hector. + +"That," says Hector, "is the last word in calories, protein and +nourishment! It contains each and every juice and sustainin' part of +all meats and vegetables known to man, with a little glutein invention +of my own combined. It has got it forty ways on all other patent +foods, because it's not only nourishin', it's so darned tasty that once +you eat it you get the habit, like dope or somethin', and you can't eat +anything else! It'll keep forever without ice or preservatives. You +don't need liquids with it, it supplies its own juices. It's got a +kick like booze and they ain't no alcohol in it. I invented it and I +been livin' on it all week. Look me over and--" + +"Gimme a bite!" yells Alex. + +He grabs this weird lookin' slab of gue and takes a mouthful. + +"Oh, lady!" he hollers. "They's just two things I wanna know. What +does it cost to make this stuff, and will it stand scientific tests?" + +"It costs about two cents a square, roughly speakin'," says Hector, +"and it'll stand any test in the world! Three of them things is the +day's food for a healthy man and--" + +"Will you lend me one for two days?" asks Alex, reachin' for his coat +and hat. + +Hector pulls out another package. + +"Sure!" he says. "I brung one along for you, because you claimed you +was the same as me when it come to--" + +But Alex and the trick cake of collapsible food was gone! + +He showed up at the ball park the end of the week, when Hector was +pitchin' against the Red Sox. They got seven runs off him in the +second innin' and I was just yankin' him out, when Alex come runnin' +down to the dugout. + +"Hector!" he hollers. "You're a rich man! No more baseball for +yours--why, you can buy a team if you want it and--" + +"I thought you claimed you never drank," I says. + +"What is your friend ravin' about?" inquires Hector. + +Alex answers by shovin' a pink slip of paper into his hands. It was +the first check for fifty thousand bucks I ever seen in my life and it +was signed by the secretary of the U. S. treasury! + +"Why--what kinda stuff is this?" mutters Hector, turnin' the check over +and over. "It's made out to me! Why--who--where--who give you--" + +"It's all yours!" says Alex, rubbin' his hands together and displayin' +all his back teeth. "I took your food to Washington and got the +government experts to try it out. They been lookin' for a one-piece +ration for the army. They wanted somethin' cheap, palatable and +nourishin' that the men would take to. They was after a food that +could be easily packed and shipped. They give your food every possible +test and accepted it. That fifty thousand is only a first payment--we +still got four hundred and fifty thousand comin' for the invention +and--" + +"My Gawd!" gasps Hector. "They give up all this money for that?" + +"Sure!" rattles on Alex. "And all you gotta do is go to the laboratory +they're gonna build and show 'em how to make it. We still got four +hundred and--" + +"Where d'ye get that _we_ stuff?" I butts in, seein' my bet with Alex +goin' south. "Hector put that over and--" + +"And I put _him_ over!" says Alex. "I'm the young feller that showed +him where _his_ ace was! I therefore take one thousand dollars from +you, with that weddin' chest of silver, and I'll only charge Hector ten +per cent of his profits, as he was my first patient. I--" + +"Let's git outa here!" pipes Hector hoarsely. "Think of me with fifty +thousand berries and more on the fire!" + +Well, we all met at the flat the next afternoon to celebrate. The wife +suggested a theatre party with all that goes with it, and I was lookin' +over the papers to pick out a good show. Alex is walkin' up and down +the room, rubbin' them hands of his together. + +"Well, well, well!" he says, slappin' Hector on the back. "To think +that the days of slavery is all over! No more reportin' at the ball +park every day, no more spring training no more watchin' 'em hit and +run. That must be great after seven years of havin' to see it and--" + +"Yeh!" mumbles Hector, kinda glum. He's all dressed up like a broken +arm and takin' it just as hard. + +"Well," I says, "where will we go? We got all the shows in New York to +pick from and--" + +"Get one that will give Mister Sells a chance to really relax and enjoy +himself," says the wife. "Somethin' that will allow him to forget his +former--" + +"Why not ask Hector?" says Alex. "Where would _you_ like to go, Mister +Sells?" + +Hector gets up and fumbles with his hat. + +"Say!" he says. "Let's all go out and see the ball game, heh?" + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +DON'T GIVE UP THE TIP! + +Listen! If you ever wake up some mornin' with an idea for something +new--whether it's a soup, a vaudeville act or a religion--and you +expect to cash on it, go to the nearest hardware store and ask the guy +behind the counter how much he'll take for all the locks in the joint. +Take 'em at any price and fasten 'em on the door of the safe where you +keep the idea--the same bein' your mouth--and then throw the keys in +any good, deep river! + +If the inventors of stud poker, movin' pictures, the alligator pear, +pneumonia and so forth had gone around talkin' about them things before +they got 'em patented they never would of took in a nickel on their +idea, but their _friends_ would be draggin' down the royalties yet! +The minute you tip another guy to your stunt it's yours and his both. +He mightn't _mean_ to steal your stuff, but he can't help himself. The +more he thinks about it, the better he likes it, and it ain't long +before he gets believin' it was _his_ idea anyways and where do you get +off by claimin' you thought of it? + +I admit freely that you can't cash on your scheme unless you get it +before the world, but the thing is to wait till you got it covered with +so many copyrights and patents that not even the James Boys could steal +it and then _tell 'em all at once_! + +If Edgar Simmons had of did that, he'd be a rich millionaire to-day +instead of havin' to cut his winnin's with Alex. Edgar had an idea, +and he didn't know what to do with it. + +Alex did! + +The wife and I is sittin' down to the evenin' meal one night, when the +telephone rings. Only one of us got up. + +"Hello!" I says. + +"Hello!" is the answer. "This is Alex. What would you say to me +runnin' up there to supper to-night?" + +"Nothin'," I answers. "I see where they was a guy got pinched only +last week for swearin' over the phone!" + +"Look here!" he says, kinda peeved. "Do you want me to come up there +to-night or don't you?" + +"Don't you!" I says. + +"They's plenty of places where they would be glad to have me to +dinner," he snarls. "Places that is just as good as yours!" + +"How do _you_ know how good they are?" I says. "You ain't never tried +no dinners nowheres else but up here." + +"They ain't no man can keep me from seein' my cousin!" he says. "Tell +Alice I'll be right up!" + +I hung up the phone. + +"Well," I says to the wife, "I got bad news for you." + +"Who was it?" she asks, droppin' the knittin' layout on the floor. + +"That trick relative of yours," I tells her. "He's comin' up here for +dinner again, so I guess I'll go down to the corner and play a little +pinochle." + +"You ought to be the weather man," says the wife, "you're such a rotten +guesser! You ain't goin' nowheres. You're gonna stay here and help +entertain Alex." + +"Entertain him?" I says. "What d'ye think I am--a trained seal or +somethin'?" + +"Don't kid yourself!" she says. "You ain't even makin' the money I +could get with a trained seal! You gotta stop this pinochle thing--you +don't see Alex wastin' his time playin' pinochle with a lotta loafers!" + +"You bet you don't!" I comes back. "You'll never see Alex playin' no +game where they's a chance of the other guy winnin'! He wouldn't bet +zero was cold! And don't be callin' my friends loafers--every one of +them guys is successful business men!" + +"That mob you hid out in here one night looked like a lotta plumbers to +me!" she says. "Any man who sits up half the night playin' cards is a +loafer!" + +"One of them loafers I while away my time with lives in the next flat," +I says, "and the dumbwaiter door is wide open." + +"I don't care," says the wife, flushin' all up. "Let him hear me!" + +"I ain't stoppin' him," I says. "But you don't want it to get rumored +all over New York that you and me is quarrelin', do you?" + +The wife's answer is nothin'. She walks over to the window and looks +out on Manhattan, doin' a soft shoe dance with one toe on the floor. +If bein' good lookin' was water, she'd be Niagara Falls. You've seen +her picture many a time on a can of massage cream--which she never +touched in her life! The label claims it was this stuff that put her +over, but she don't know whether rouge is for red cheeks or measles. +They ain't a day goes by without some movie company pesterin' her to +sign up, and she can write her own ticket when it comes to salary. +Well, I'm in dutch again, but I don't care! This here knockout is wed +to me, and they ain't _nothin'_ can give me the blues! + +"Listen!" I says. "Honey, we only been wed ten years--and here we are +scrappin' _already_!" + +She turns on the weeps and I'm across the floor like a startled rabbit. +We come to terms in about five minutes, and as far as a disinterested +stranger could of seen, everything is O.K. again. + +"Well," I says, finally, "you ain't mad at me no more, heh, honey?" + +She wags her head, no. + +"We got _that_ all settled, heh?" I says. + +Her head is on my shoulder and why shouldn't it be, and she says yes. + +They is a pause. To bust it up, I coughs. + +"If that pest Alex wasn't comin' here to-night," I says, "we might go +to the theatre." + +"The _movies_ hurts my eyes!" she answers, givin' me a sarcastical +smile. + +"D'ye mean to give the neighbors the idea I have never staked you to +nothin' but the movies?" I hollers, gettin' sore, naturally enough. + +"Don't be callin' my cousin no pest!" she says and--well, we're off +again! + +In less than five minutes, some new-comers which has a flat across the +hall, knocks on the dumbwaiter bell furiously. I answered. + +"Why don't you people let go?" inquires a harsh voice. "We can't stand +that tourney in there no longer!" + +"They ain't no way of puttin' a man in jail for movin'," I says. + +"The idea of a man hollerin' at his wife like that!" comes a female +voice in back of this guy. + +"Shut up--I'm doin' this!" exclaims her lovin' spouse,--and then they +had a melee of their own! + +In the middle of this our doorbell rings and in comes Alex. + +"They should of named this apartment house the Verdun," he says. "They +seems to be a battle goin' on here every time I come up! I could hear +every word you people was sayin' as plain as day, away out in the hall!" + +"What did you come in for then?" I asks him. "Especially as you could +hear this was the rush hour!" + +He ignores me and kisses the wife--a thing he knows gets me wild. + +"Now, boys!" butts in the wife, splittin' her world famous grin +fifty-fifty, "let's stop quarrelin'. They ain't a reason on earth why +we can't be friends, even if we are relatives." + +"When are you gonna have dinner?" asks Alex. + +"This here's eatless night with us," I says. "Not to give you a short +answer." + +"Don't pay no attention to him, Alex," says the wife. "You know you +can eat here whenever you want." + +"Sure!" I says. "Don't mind me. All I gotta do is pay for this +stuff--that's all!" + +The wife gimme a bitter glance. + +"That's right," she says. "Tell the world that I have wed a tightwad!" + +"What d'ye mean?" I hollers. "I'm as loose as ashes with my money and +they ain't nobody knows it better than you. I don't even moan over the +monthly phone bill, which from the last one you musta been callin' up +friends in Australia!" + +"Here!" butts in Alex. "This thing's gotta stop! Come on, kiss and +make up. The first thing you know the Red Cross will be openin' a +branch here. If I didn't know how much you people loved each other, +I'd get the idea that you was really angry." + +"Of course we love each other!" I says. "We only pull this now and +then so's we won't get sickenin' to the neighbors by billin' and cooin' +_all_ the time! Ain't I right, honey?" + +"Are you sorry?" inquires the wife. + +"Sorry?" I says. "Why, I'd go out and buy a tube of carbolic acid if +it wasn't so high!" + +With that they was peace. + +We're just sittin' down to a well-earned meal, when the bell rings +again. Actin' as maid is one of the best things I do around my five +rooms, if you count the bath, so I answered it. They was a man and a +woman standin' there and my heart run up to play with my tonsils when I +seen them. I figured they was a couple more guests for dinner and you +knew what they're askin' for steak these days. + +"I'm sorry to bother you," says the dame, "but we are the people who +live in the flat right under yours." + +"If you think we're too noisy, moan to the landlord!" I says, "I gotta +right to stage an argument in my flat whenever I so choose!" + +She giggles. The guy that was with her don't make a sound. + +"Why, I'm sure we never heard any noise from above," she says. "I +think you and your wife are no doubt the quietest folks in the whole +house." + +Oh, boy!!! + +"How long have you been deaf?" I says. + +"You're just like your wife claims," she grins. "Full of life and fun! +But I'm keepin' you from your food, ain't I? I wanted to know if you'd +let Mister Simmons climb down your fire escape." + +"Feed him some veronal," I says, "and he'll no doubt be O.K. in the +mornin'. The first day is always tough!" + +"Why, what do you mean?" she says. "I merely asked if my husband could +climb down your fire escape." + +I seen I had wild pitched the first time, so I tried my luck again. + +"Is your joint on fire?" I says. + +"Oh, no!" she tells me. "But we are locked out. My husband invented a +new kind of lock--he's always inventing something that will do +everything but work. He put this lock on our door and now he can't +open it himself! Isn't that killing?" + +"A riot!" I admits. "Come right in." + +The wife is gettin' nervous at me bein' out there so long, and when she +heard a female voice laughin', of course that didn't help matters none. +She meets this dame half way in the hall and the minute they seen each +other they fall together in fond embrace. I found out later they'd +known each other as long as a week and the last time they met was an +hour before. + +Well, we get introduced all around and then this bird which invented a +lock that nobody on earth could open, includin' himself, goes out on +the fire escape followed by his charmin' wife. They entered their flat +by the novel method of usin' the kitchen window. This guy didn't open +his mouth from the time he come in till he went out, and when spoke to, +he blushed all over and acted like he wished to Heaven he could hide +under the sofa. His wife, though, had nothin' against conversation as +a sport. She was talkin' when she come in and she went out the same +way. I never seen nobody in my life who could talk as fast and +frequent as this dame and if her husband had hung that trick lock on +her tongue he would of made himself solid with me! + +"That's that lovely Mrs. Simmons," says the wife, when they had went. +"It's too bad her husband ain't a live one." + +"Gettin' married has buried many a good man!" I says. + +"It didn't change _you_ none," she says. "You was a dead one when I +got you!" + +"Here!" butts in Alex. "Don't you people get started again! I wanna +finish my supper in peace. What's wrong with Mister Simmons?" + +"He ain't got no pep," says the wife. "They's many a more ambitious +man than he is with a tomb around him! He's been keepin' books for +twenty dollars a week since the discovery of arithmetic, and he ain't +got a raise since they blowed up the _Maine_. He's afraid to ask for +more money for fear the boss will find out he's on the pay roll and +fire him. They's one ounce more brains in a billiard ball than they is +in his head. He--" + +"Wait!" interrupts Alex. "This here sounds interestin' to me. In the +first place, they ain't a doubt in my mind but what you got that feller +figured all wrong! Like all the rest of you simple minded and innocent +New Yorkers, you get brains and _imagination_ mixed. They is a big +difference! _Brains_ is what puts a man over, and _imagination_ is +what keeps him back. The ideal combination is all brains and no +imagination! The feller with brains sets his mind on what he wants, +forgets everything else, goes to it and gets it. He don't for a minute +consider what might happen if he fails, or that the thing he proposes +has never been done before, or that maybe his scheme ain't really as +good as he first thought it was. Why don't he think of them things? +Because he ain't got no imagination! The imaginative feller is beat +from the start. He keeps thinkin' from every possible angle, what +might happen to him if he _fails_ and, by the time he gets that all +figured out, his idea is cold and his enthusiasm for it has drowned in +the sea of possibilities his roamin' mind has created! The feller +which said, 'look before you leap!' might of been clever, but I bet he +thought a five-dollar bill was as big as they made 'em till he went to +his grave! If I'd had imagination, I'd never of come to New York and +made good. I'd of been afraid the town was too big for me. Now this +feller Simmons, I'll betcha, is simply sufferin' from a case of too +much imagination. He must have _somethin'_ in his head or he couldn't +even keep books. It takes brains to balance accounts, the same as it +takes money to pay 'em. Am I right?" + +"What d'ye say, if we go to the movies?" I says. + +Alex gets up in disgust. + +"Is that all the interest I'm gettin' here?" he asks. + +"This ain't no bank!" I tells him. + +"Be still!" says the wife. "I heard every word you said, Alex dear. I +think you're horribly interestin'. But I still claim Simmons is a +fat-head whose butcher bill gives him trouble every month! He never +takes that poor wife of his nowheres, but a walk past the Fifth Avenue +Library, and she don't know if they have dancin' or swimmin' in +cabarets. He's always drawin' things on pieces of paper, and he sits +up half the night inventin' what-nots that would be all right, if they +wasn't useless." + +"Yes," says Alex, "and some day he'll hit on somethin' that'll prob'ly +make him famous!" + +"I wanna see Beryldine Nearer in 'The Vaccinated Vampire'," I says, +reachin' for my hat. "I seen her last week in 'Almost A Fiend' and she +was a knockout!" + +"Shut up!" says the wife. "What was you sayin', again, Alex?" + +"I says it's the dreamer which has made the world what it is to-day," +he goes on, strikin' a pose. "He _thinks_ of somethin' and the +practical feller comes along and makes money out of it. Take--" + +"They ain't no man can keep me from the movies!" I butts in. "I ain't +gonna be late and only see half of this picture. I done that too +often! You and Alice can fight it out amongst yourselves if--" + +"All right!" says the wife. "Come on, we'll all go. I admit freely +I'm crazy to see Beryldine Nearer again, myself. I seen a gown on her +in the last picture which I think I can duplicate in time for Mrs. +Martin's card party. We'll ask Mr. and Mrs. Simmons to go with us too. +The poor dear, it'll be a treat for her." + +"It'll be a treat for her husband, too!" I says. "I ain't gonna take +the whole neighborhood to the movies. You must think I'm the Liberty +Loan, don't you?" + +The wife comes over and kisses me. + +"Now, dear," she says. "Don't be so close across the chest. Won't you +take 'em for me?" + +Well, when all Broadway used to roll over and play dead when she pulled +that smile, what chance have _I_ got? + +"I'd take carbolic for you!" I answers, givin' her a squeeze. "Go +ahead, honey, invite the first two pagefuls outa the phone book if you +want and I'll take 'em all!" + +"There you go," she says. "No wonder we're not wealthy! If it wasn't +for me holdin' you down, we wouldn't have a nickel. I'll call down and +tell Mrs. Simmons to get ready--they may have an engagement themselves!" + +"I doubt if I'm lucky enough for that to happen!" I says. + +Well, I missed out again. They come up all right, and Mrs. Simmons is +tickled to death. When set for the street, she was a pretty good +looker herself, but Simmons ain't even got a hat with him. + +"Mister Simmons prefers to stay at home," says his wife, causin' my +heart to leap with joy. "He has some important work to do, haven't +you, dear?" + +Simmons flushes all up. + +"Why--eh--yes--quite so--much obliged--excuse me," he stutters, backin' +away like he thought I'd wallop him for not goin'. + +Alex is lookin' at him strangely. + +"Pardon me," he says. "We just been talkin' over some of the wonderful +ideas you been workin' on. I have a inventive twist in my brains +myself and that lock you put together interests me very much. Could I +see it?" + +Simmons brightens up in a flash and commences to grin. + +"I'd be very glad indeed to show it to you," he says. "Very glad! Its +a--" + +Alex goes over and puts his arm on his shoulder. + +"You folks run along to the movies," he tells us. "Mr. Simmons and me +is got a little conference on--eh, Simmons?" He prods him in the ribs +and giggles. + +Simmons wags his head. A guy with two glass eyes could see he was +tickled silly. + +I dragged the rest of 'em out. + +Well, we come in from the movie around eleven o'clock and stopped in +the Simmons flat. They had dragged me into a delicatessen parlor on +the way back and put the bee on me for a cold lunch. We was to eat it +in Mrs. Simmons's flat. All she furnished was the idea. Alex and +Simmons is sittin' in the dinin' room and they're so interested in each +other they don't even look up when we come in. The table is full of +drawin's and blue prints and scraps of paper all covered over with +figures. Simmons is pointin' out somethin' to Alex on a piece of +paper, and I'll lay the world four to one Alex ain't got the slightest +idea what the other guy's talkin' about, but he's listenin' like he's +hearin' the secret of makin' gold outa mud. + +"I'll bet you have gone to work and bored Mister Hanley half to death!" +says his wife. "How often have I told you that strangers is not +interested in them fool ideas of yours?" + +"Not at all!" says Alex. "I fail to recall when I spent such a +enjoyable night. Mister Simmons is a genius, if they ever was one, and +I predict a great future for his automatic cocktail shaker. Then, if +he gets his keyless lock workin' right, why--" + +"Let's eat in the kitchen, it's cosier," interrupts Mrs. Simmons. "Do +you folks mind?" + +They was no bloodshed over it, and we all went in. Simmons claims he +would like to change his collar, and invites me back to look over the +flat, a treat the wife has already had. Once we get in his boudoir, he +finds they is everything in the world in it with the exception of a +clean collar, and he calls Mrs. Simmons to the rescue. + +"Here!" she says, handin' him the laundry. "Hurry up, so's we can eat. +He's always losin' somethin'!" she remarks. + +I got a comical answer on the tip of my tongue, when Simmons drops his +collar button on the floor, and, the same as all the other collar +buttons in the world, they picked out the furtherest corners of the +room to roll into. The poor boob gets as red as a four-alarm fire and +goes crawlin' around the room tryin' to run them collar buttons down. + +"It's too bad them buttons wasn't made of rubber," I says, thinkin' to +pass the thing off. "They would of bounced right back in your hand, +hey?" + +He straightens up like he had stepped on a egg and runs his hands +through his hair. + +"A rubber collar button!" he mutters. "A rubber collar button! +No--no--not _rubber_, but--" + +"My Gawd!" cuts in Mrs. Simmons. "Will he _ever_ stop it? Sit down +and eat, folks, he's ravin' again! Here, Edgar, try some of this cold +ham. It set our friends back a dollar and it ought to be good!" + +"I'm--I'm sorry!" pipes Edgar, movin' away with that little, nervous +step of his. "I couldn't eat a thing. I got a headache, I +guess--I--excuse me, but I'll see you all again." + +With that he blows. + +"Ain't he the limit?" inquires Mrs. Simmons, grabbin' the choicest bits +of that ham and goin' south with it. + +"Mine's worse!" remarks the wife. "What would them men ever do without +us?" + +"Save money!" I says. "Slip me some of that cold chicken, will you?--I +got a stomach, too!" + +Well, we didn't see Edgar Simmons no more that night. In fact it was +all of two weeks before he appeared again, and then it was by way of +the phone. He asked me if I would tell my Cousin Alex to come down at +once, he had somethin' very important to tell him. I waited till +supper had come and gone that night, and then I got hold of Alex. The +wife and Mrs. Simmons went to the theatre together and I arranged the +conference for my flat. The minute Alex arrived I phoned Simmons and +he come right up. He's all excited over somethin' and he's got a +parcel under his arm. + +"I have followed your advice," he tells Alex, "and at last I've +invented something practical. There's millions in it!" + +"What?" I says. "The mint?" + +Alex kicks me in the shins under the table so hard that I moaned aloud. + +"What is it?" he asks. + +Simmons unwraps the parcel and pulls out a piece of cloth. It's the +neckband of a shirt and the same as the ordinary neckband in every +way--except it's got collar buttons _built right into it_! + +"What's the idea?" I asks. + +"Heavens, man, can't you grasp it?" says Simmons, slammin' the table +with his fist. "Here we have the only collar button in the world _that +can't be lost_! You never have to look for it, because it's always +attached to the shirt. You can't lose the button unless you lose the +shirt! It's made right with it! It--" + +"Wait!" butts in Alex, leapin' to his feet. "Simmons--you have got +somethin'! Is it patented?" + +"Yes," says Simmons. + +"Have you felt out the shirt people on it?" asks Alex next. + +"That's what I wanted to see _you_ about," says Simmons. "I can't get +them to look at it! I get shifted from one subordinate to another and +they seem to think I'm some sort of a crank. If I could only get it +before Philip Calder, the president of the Brown-Calder Shirt Company, +I'd be made!" + +"Hmm!" grunts Alex. "Well, what d'ye want _me_ to do?" + +Simmons coughs and fidgets with the button. + +"It struck me when you was talkin' to me the other night," he says, +"that if there was one man in New York who could see Calder and make +him realize the merits of my invention, you were that man! Will you +try it?" + +"I'll _do_ it!" answers Alex. "Gimme the model and you'll hear from me +in a few days. Do you wish to sell the neckbands themselves, or just +the patent on your idea?" + +"I don't care who makes the neckbands," says Simmons, "as long as I get +paid for my invention! Of course, I don't expect you to help me for +nothing, either." + +"Ha! ha!" I butts in. "That bird wouldn't tell you the time for +nothing You'll be lucky if you ever even see that invention any more!" + +"Don't mind my cousin," Alex tells him. "Outside of a tendency to the +measles, he's the worst thing we got in our family! We'll take up the +financial end of this later." + +Bright and early the next mornin', or eleven o'clock to be exact, Alex +invites me to go with him so's I can watch how he would go about seein' +the president of the Brown-Calder Company and sellin' him the Simmons +patent collar button. As they is always a chance that Alex will fall +down, I went along. We had no trouble at all landin' outside the +president's office, but once we got there it was different. + +"Is Mister Calder in?" says Alex to a blond stenographer, which looks +like them movie queens would like to. + +She puts four stray hairs back of her left ear and arises. + +"Have you got an appointment?" she inquires. + +"No," grins Alex, "my nose got that way from bein' hit with a baseball." + +She had lovely teeth and showed 'em to us. + +"Cards?" she says next, lookin' from one of us to the other. + +"I'll play these!" says Alex. "Listen! I wanna go in Mister Calder's +office without bein' announced. I ain't seen him for years and he'll +be tickled silly when we meet. I wanna sneak in and just be there the +first time he looks around. I'm a surprise--see?" + +She looks kinda doubtful. + +"W-e-ll, I don't know," she says. "I've only been here since +yesterday, but my orders is to let nobody past this gate without first +findin' out their business and so forth. Still and all, I don't wanna +be harsh with none of the boss's old college chums or nothin' like +that. If you can guarantee I won't lose my job, I'll let you get away +with it." + +"If you lose your job," says Alex, openin' the gate and pullin' me in +after him, "I'll hire you for five dollars more than you're gettin' +here. All right?" + +"I only trust you're man enough to keep your word," she says. "The +boss's office is the first one to the left." + +"Thanks," says Alex. "Them eyes of yours is alone worth the trip!" + +This guy Calder's door is open and he's sittin' at a big desk writin' +away on somethin' like everything depended on speed. He's a great, big +fat bird, with one of them trick Chaplin mustaches and he's smokin' a +cigar as big as he is. His head is playin' it's hairless day. All in +all, he looked like big business, and my knees is knockin' together +till I'm afraid he'll hear 'em and turn around. Alex gumshoes up to +the desk and without sayin' a word, he lays the neckband right down +beside Calder, who immediately swings around with a snort. + +"What's all this--how did you get in here?" he bellers. + +"We took the subway down from Ninety-sixth Street," says Alex. "That +thing you got in your hand is the neckband of a shirt." + +"Well?" growls Calder, tappin' the desk with a lead pencil. + +"It contains two collar buttons--one front and one back," says Alex. +"As you may have noticed, they are built right into the cloth and are +meant to come _attached to the shirt_. This does away forever with the +necessity of buying a collar button. It cannot be broken, lost or +mislaid. Any shirt manufacturer making shirts with this neckband +attached will naturally have the bulge on his rivals. I can turn out +the neckband for practically nothing. I hold the patent." + +Calder sneers. + +"Ha!" he says. "There's a million cranks come in my office every day. +I suppose you want to sell me this, eh?" + +"No, sir!" says Alex, with a pleasant grin. + +I liked to fell through the floor at that! + +"_No_, sir?" repeats Calder, droppin' the pencil. + +"No, sir!" answers Alex. + +"Well, what the--what _do_ you want then?" roars Calder. "Come now, +speak up. I'll give you five minutes, that's all!" + +"That's three minutes more than I got to spare!" chirps Alex, pullin' +over a chair. "I don't want you to _buy_ this neckband, Mister Calder. +What I want is this--I know that _you_ are the greatest authority on +shirts and everything connected with the business, in the United States +if not in the world! I think I have a big thing here, a thing that +will revolutionize one end of that business. I say I _think_ so, +because I don't know. Now--the concern I represent wants your opinion +of it. We're willing to pay to have you, the world's greatest +authority, go on record as to the merits of this invention. If you say +it's no good, I'll throw it away and forget about it; if you say it's +good, I'll have no trouble placing it anywhere in the world!" + +Well, say! That old guy brightens all up when Alex calls him the +champion shirtmaker of the world, and pickin' up the band, he turns it +over in his hands a few times. You could see that the old salve Alex +handed him had gone big! + +"Hmph!" he says, finally. "How much would these things cost me?" + +"Roughly speakin', about three cents each," says Alex. + +"How long will they stand up under laundering?" is the next question +Calder fires at him. + +"They're the only thing that won't come out in the wash!" answers Alex, +without battin' an eye. + +The old guy smiles and presses a button. In comes a clerk. + +"Send in Mister Lacy, no matter what he's doing, at once!" barks +Calder. He turns to Alex as the clerk flees from the room. "Have you +been anywhere else with this?" he asks. + +Alex looks pained. + +"Why, Mister Calder!" he says, "certainly not! Before I went any +further I wanted the opinion of the greatest--" + +This Lacy guy comes in. + +"Mister Lacy is superintendent of our manufacturing department," says +Calder. "I'm going to talk with him for three minutes about the effect +of the war on the onion crop in Beloochistan. I'll send for you at the +expiration of that time. Ah--you can leave the--ah--neckband here!" + +"Pardon me!" says Alex, "I have got to be up at the office of the +Evers-Raine Shirt Company at three and I can just about make it." + +"What the devil are you going to another shirt company for?" roars +Calder. + +"I have an old friend in the--ah--manufacturing department," says Alex, +lookin' straight at him, "who I'm very anxious to see." + +Well, they stare at each other for a minute without sayin' a word. +They're both playin' poker, and it's Calder who lays his down first! + +"Look here!" he grunts. "I'm going to take an option on this infernal +thing for a week. How much is that worth to you?" + +"Ten thousand dollars," answers Alex, pleasantly. + +"I'll pay seven and give you a check right now!" says Calder, slammin' +the desk with his fist. "Here, Lacy!" he says to the other guy. "This +is what we'll put on our shirts hereafter, unless I'm very much +mistaken! What do you think of it?" + +Lacy picks up the neckband and looks at it. + +"And to think," he mutters in an awed voice. "And to think nobody ever +thought of this before!" + +"Hmm!" says Calder, takin' the band back. "That's all settled then! +Young man," he says to Alex, "the cashier will give you a check. Come +back at the end of the week and I'll either give you back your +neckband, or a contract for five hundred thousand of them a year for +twenty years!" + +"Thanks!" says Alex. "Will you have that check certified?" + +Well, Simmons like to went insane with joy when we sprung the news on +him and Alex insists on him takin' that seven thousand dollar check +whole. He didn't ask for a nickel, which had me puzzled. Mrs. Simmons +goes out shoppin' for furs, diamonds and automobiles, and the wife asks +me why I don't invent somethin', but outside of that they was nothin' +more doin' till the end of the week. Then, Alex comes up and breaks +the news to Simmons that the Brown-Calder Shirt Company will take all +the neckbands that Simmons can supply, as long as people wear shirts. + +"We have got to deliver 50,000 in a month," says Alex, "at the rate of +two and a half cents apiece. Can you do it?" + +Simmons falls back on the sofa in a dead faint! + +Well, they was great excitement and the wife finally brings him to life +with smellin' salts. + +"It was prob'ly the sudden mention of so much money, eh?" I says. + +"I'm ruined!" hollers Simmons, leapin' up and dancin' around. "Why, it +took me two weeks to make that one miserable model I gave you!" he +yells at Alex. "I couldn't make fifty thousand of them things in a +lifetime!" + +Alexis eyes glitters. + +"Here!" he says, slappin' Simmons on the back. "Pull yourself +together, man! You've got to think of somethin'. How did you make +that one?" + +"By hand!" wails Simmons. + +"Well, they must be some way of makin' a machine that can turn out so +many thousand an hour!" says Alex, walkin' back and forth. "Why--" + +"I don't care who makes 'em!" says Simmons. "All I want is to get paid +for my idea. I--" + +"Listen to me!" interrupts Alex, shakin' him. "Can't you invent some +kind of a machine for turnin' them neckbands out?" + +"Oh, I had a little something figured out the other night," says +Simmons, "but what's the use of me botherin' with that? Why, a machine +of that kind would cost at least twenty thousand dollars to make! +Where can I get that much money?" + +"Look here!" Alex tells him. "You got seven and I'll loan you the +balance. You get busy on that machine right away--there's no time to +lose!" He grabs his hat. "Come with me and I'll get you the money and +then we'll go to my lawyer and draw up a--that is, I'll take your +receipt." + +That's the last I seen of either of them for a month. At the end of +that time, the wife tells me one day that Mr. and Mrs. Simmons is +givin' a big dinner that night and that Alex will be there. They'll +never notice us no more, if we don't come. Besides, they're goin' for +a trip around the country in a few days and this here's a farewell +party. + +Well, it's a soup and fish affair, and naturally it takes the wife half +the night to get dressed up for it. Fin'ly, however, she's dressed to +thrill and we blowed in. The minute we did, Simmons pulls me over in a +corner where Alex is sittin', smilin' like his name was George Q. +Goodhumor. + +"Well, sir!" says Simmons, no longer shy and retirin', "I just about +cleaned up. My machine is turnin' out three thousand bands an hour, +and I get a cent for each and every one!" + +"You fin'ly doped out a machine then, heh?" I says. + +"Oh, yes!" he tells me. "But unfortunately I don't control it. I have +to pay the owner for each band turned out, although it's my invention. +But I'm satisfied! I got a bonus of twenty-five thousand dollars from +the Brown-Calder people for selling them the exclusive rights to use +the neckband, and then we have the foreign rights to--" + +"Wait!" I cuts in, turnin' to Alex. All this big money talk was makin' +me dizzy. "Where do _you_ get off?" I asks him. + +"Well, I put the neckband over, didn't I?" he says. + +"Yes," I admits, "but Simmons invented it and he gets the royalty. How +much cash did he give you?" + +"Nothing!" grins Alex. + +I looked at Simmons. + +"Perfectly correct!" he says, outgrinnin' Alex. + +"You--did all that for _nothin'_ I hollers, not believin' my ears. + +"Well, hardly that," says Alex, lightin' a half-dollar cigar. "You see +I loaned Mister Simmons thirteen thousand dollars, if you remember, so +that he could make his machine." + +"Yeh, yeh!" I says, gettin' impatient. "And--" + +"Well, as it stands now," says Alex, "every time the machine turns out +a neckband, he gets a cent out of the two and a half cents profit." + +"Sure--he told me that!" I says. "But where do _you_ get off?" + +Alex grins some more. + +"I own the machine!" he says. "Have a cigar, cousin?" + + + + +CHAPTER V + +YOU CAN DO IT! + +A guy once said, "Be sure you're right, then go ahead!" and like the +bird which invented the sayin', "What are you gonna have?" he became +famous on that one line. They's millions of people have repeated both +of them remarks since. As far as the last one is concerned, it's about +died out now and cracked ice has started gettin' acquainted with +lemonade and the like instead of its old haunts, Scotch, Rye and Gin, +which has pulled a Rip Van Winkle. I never told no man I was a fortune +teller, but if I was a bartender right now, believe me, I'd spend my +nights off studyin' the art of makin' chocolate nut sundaes and +pineapple ice cream sodas, because the time has come with alarmin' +suddenness when alcohol will be used only for rubbin' baby's head when +he falls off of the table and the like. + +However, that ain't neither here or there, as the guy says which +mislaid his watch, so let's get back to the bird which said, "Be sure +you're right, then go ahead!" That may be a good line, but it's poor +dope for the young. I'll tell the world fair that no winner ever got +paid off by stickin' strictly to that. If Columbus had waited till +somebody sent him a souvenir postal from the Bronx, so's he'd be sure +they really was some choice real estate over here, he never would of +discovered America. Napoleon would never of got further than bein' a +buck private in the army if he'd of played safe instead of goin' ahead +on the "I Should Worry!" plan. I could name a million more guys which +got over along the same lines only I hate to walk to the library. But +pick up any newspaper and the front page will give you the answer. The +guys that go over the top in this well known universe are the boys +which goes ahead _first_ and figures what chances they got afterwards. +They let the results they get tell whether they're _right_ or not. I +don't mean a guy should bust the traffic laws of any of the prominent +virtues in order to be a success, they ain't a game on earth that can't +be played on the level and won clean, but instead of askin' yourself, +"Can I do it?" say, "This will be _soft_ for me!" and you're a odds on +favorite to win! + +Me and the wife is sittin' down to breakfast one mornin', and I have +barely had time to find fault with the eggs when they's a ring at the +bell. + +"See who that is, will you, dear?" says the wife, turnin' a page of the +_Mornin' Shrapnel_ and shootin' the smile that used to jam the Winter +Garden in my direction. "You know how tired I am in the mornings." + +"Yeh," I says, very sarcastical. "Eatin' grape fruit is enough to wear +down the strongest. Since how long have I became the maid around here?" + +"Before we were married," she says, sinkin' the last of the cream in +her coffee--a thing she knows full well practically always enrages me. +"Before we was wed, you claimed you'd do anything for me." + +"A man can kid, can't he?" I says. + +"Don't get catty, dear," says the wife, still featurin' that million +dollar smile. "Hurry, there goes the bell again. You really should +put on your collar and tie before answering the door, too." + +"Who d'ye think is payin' us a call--Wilson?" I says. "I ain't +supposed to wear a dress suit in to breakfast, am I?" + +They is no answer from the trenches across the table, outside of the +munchin' of food, and as our door bell is makin' the telephone green +with envy from the way it was ringin', I went out and opened the +portals to our flat. + +In comes Alex the Great, undisputed champion pest of the world. + +He throws his hat on the sofa, kisses the wife, pulls a chair up to the +table and reaches over for the paper. Every one of them things is sure +fire for gettin' my goat! + +"No wonder you people never get nowheres!" he remarks. "Sleepin' away +half the day. Here it is eleven o'clock and you just havin' breakfast! +I was up at six, had a ice cold bath and walked ten miles." + +"I wish you had of made it eleven!" I says. + +"Why?" he asks me. + +"Because," I says, "that would of brung you a even two blocks past our +house and I could of had my breakfast in peace." + +"How often have I told you that I don't come here to see you?" he +snarls. "If it wasn't for Cousin Alice, I'd never come near your flat!" + +"You stayed away a month once," I says, "and she managed to keep out of +the hospitals." + +"Oh, hush!" says the wife. "You boys are always snappin' at each +other. A outsider would think you was in business together or +something. How is everything, Alex?" + +"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands together and castin' a hungry eye +over the bacon and eggs. "I already had a breakfast fit for a king, +but the early mornin' air gimme a fresh appetite. I think I could +stand a little of that bacon and--" + +"They's only one piece left," I says, spearin' it with my fork. "Try +and get it!" + +"Will you be still?" says the wife. "We have plenty in the ice box, +Alex, if you want some." + +"Don't be blowin' about how much food we got in the ice box," I says. +"They may be some spies from Hoover's office around." + +"That reminds me," says Alex, makin' the best of it by devourin' all +the crackers and jam. "I expect to go to Washington this week and +offer my services to Mister Hoover." + +"What was you thinkin' of doing for Mister Hoover, Alex?" says the wife. + +"I got a scheme for--," he begins, when I ceased firin' on the bacon +and eggs and arose. + +"Listen!" I butts in. "I don't like to walk out in the middle of your +act, Alex, but I gotta date. I have just bought a infielder from +Jersey City which they tell me is a second Ty Cobb. The last guy which +come recommended to me like that acted like hittin' the ball was a +felony and he must of figured that droppin' grounders put Cobb over. I +have give everything but the franchise for this new bird, and I wanna +see right now if he's one of them things or a ball player." + +"Don't make no engagements for to-night," says the wife, "because we're +goin' to the movies with them lovely Wilkinsons." + +"Who's them lovely Wilkinsons?" I says. + +"You could spend a year at the bottom of the ocean and never get +acquainted with a fish!" says the wife. "The Wilkinsons is the people +which just moved in across the hall. Her husband is a salesman for a +big wholesale clothing house downtown and if you're nice to him he can +prob'ly get you a raincoat or something, for a great deal different +price than you'd pay yourself." + +"Yeh," I says. "It would no doubt cost me about ten bucks _more_, if I +bought it from him! I know them birds. That guy will gimme his card +and send me down to the foundry where he works, and they'll sell me +somethin' which has graced their shelves for the last ten years, at ten +per cent over the retail price. The public will laugh me outa wearin' +it and, on top of that, this guy will want the first five rows at the +world's series for doin' me the favor! Anyways, I don't need no +raincoat, I got two already." + +"I never seen nobody like you," says the wife. "I'll bet you think the +war was a frame-up! Accordin' to you, nobody or nothin' is on the +level, and the whole world and Yonkers is out to give you the work. I +have already talked with Mister Wilkinson, which is a nice little +innocent fellow and not a brute like you which battles night and day +with his wife, and he will have a raincoat up here for you to-morrow." + +I throwed up my hands! + +"How much is it?" I says. + +"Practically nothin'," says the wife. "Forty-five dollars." + +Oh, boy! + +"Listen!" I says, openin' the door. "Unless that bird has give you his +age in mistake for the price of the raincoat, you can tell him that if +I had forty-five bucks to hurl away like that I wouldn't wear no +raincoat. I wouldn't care if it rained or not!" + +"It's one of the latest trench models," says the wife. "I got two of +them. One for myself." + +"You and that lovely little Wilkinson will have to shoot craps for them +then!" I hollers. "I wouldn't let him take me for ninety bucks if--" + +"They are both paid for long ago," smiles the wife, pinchin' my cheek, +and pullin' the smile that used to get her photo in the magazines. "I +give him a check last week!" + +As unfortunately I am nothin' but human, I beat it before they was +violence and bloodshed. I was afraid to trust myself with speech, but +I managed to let off a little steam before I left by throwin' three +pillows and a Rumanian beer stein at Alex, havin' caught him grinnin' +at me like a idiot. + +It was about six hours before I got back and my temper had failed to +improve with age, havin' had a rough day at the ball park. We played a +double-header with the Phillies and lost a even two games. Both the +scores sounded more like Rockefeller's income tax than anything else. +Iron Man Swain pitched the first game for us and before five innin's +had come and went, I found out that the only thing iron about him was +his nerve in drawin' wages as a pitcher. Everybody connected with the +Philly team but the batboy got a hit and from the way them guys run +around the bases it looked more like a six-day race than a ball game! + +I sent in Red Mitchel to pitch the second half of the massacre, and all +he had was a boil on his arm. As far as his offerin's was concerned, +everybody on the Philly club could of been christened Home Run Baker. +When he throwed the ball on the clubhouse roof tryin' to get a guy +nappin' off first, lettin' in two extry runs instead, I went out to the +box and removed him by hand. Ed Raymond finished the game for us, and +he's so scared we might win it that he walks the first three men and +knocks the fourth guy cold with a inshoot. I didn't even stay to see +the finish--I had enough! + +One of the features of the day was the work of this so-called "Second +Ty Cobb" at short. He come to bat eleven times in the two games and +got one hit. That was a left jab from the Philly first baseman which +got peeved at bein' called a liar and bounced one off the Second Ty +Cobb's ear. At fieldin' he made more errors than the Kaiser and was +just as popular with the crowd. I give up five thousand berries and a +outfielder for him, and after them two games I couldn't of sold him as +a watch charm to the manager of a high school club! + +From all of this you may get an idea of the sweet humor I was in when I +blowed into the flat that night. My idea was to put on the feed bag, +and then go around to the corner and play a little pinochle with the +gang. Like the guy which fell off Washington's Monument I was doomed +to disappointment, because they was quite a little reception committee +awaitin' me. Among them present besides the wife was Alex and them +lovely Wilkinsons. + +The lovely Wilkinsons consisted of the regular set--husband and wife. +They had only been wed about three weeks, new time, and from the way +they behaved towards each other, a innocent bystander would think they +had only staggered away from the altar a hour before. They sit +together on the sofa, three inches closer to each other than the paper +is to the wall and both of them must of been palmists judgin' from the +way they hung on to each other's hands. The male of the layout is a +husky kid which either come direct from one of the college football +teams or had just knocked off posin' for the lingerie ads in the +subway. The female would of been a knockout, if my wife had been in +Denver, but bein' in the same room with her the best Mrs. Wilkinson +could do was to finish a good second. They is one thing about the +wife, they may be dames which can knit sweaters faster than her, but +when it comes to bein' excitin' to gaze upon she leads the league! I +don't have to tell the world that, the world keeps tellin' it to me. +This here is far from our first season as matrimoniacs, and when I say +that it still makes me dizzy to look at her, you may get a idea of how +she checks up. + +But to get back to them lovely Wilkinsons, they are sittin' there on +the sofa keepin' a close eye on each other, and Alex is givin' 'em +everything he's got in the line of chatter. They're both payin' the +same undivided attention to him that the Board of Aldermen in +Afghanistan pays to the primaries in Bird's Nest, Va. Them babies is +too busy gazin' on each other and bein' happy, and while that stuff +gets silly at times--they is worse things than that. + +After we have got the introductions all took care of, the wife rushes +me down to Delicatessen Row to grab off some extry food on account of +these added starters at our modest evenin' meal. I got a armful of +these here liberty links, _nee_ frankfurters, and some liberty cabbage +which before the Kaiser went nutty was knowed as sauerkraut. They +ain't no use callin' off all the other little trinkets I got to help +make the table look tasty, especially as Mister Hoover is liable to +scan this and I don't wanna get myself in wrong, but when I got through +shoppin' I didn't have enough change left out of a five-case note to +stake myself to a joyride in the subway. + +Just as we're goin' to the post in this supper handicap, the bell +rings, and in come Eve, which same is no less than the blushin' bride +of Alex. They is now so many people in the flat that for all the +neighbors know I have opened up a gamblin' dive or one of them cabaret +things. Everybody is talkin', with the exception of me, which havin' +sit down to eat proceeded to do so with the greatest abandon, as the +guy says. Them three girls--the wife, the lovely Mrs. Wilkinson and +Eve, was sure some layout to have across the table, I'll tell the world +fair! They had the front row of the Follies lookin' like washwomen +durin' the rush hour, and all I did was sit there and eat and wonder +how in Heaven's name they ever come to fall for a set of guys like me, +Alex and the lovely Wilkinson. + +Well, the meal come to an end without no violence, and they was only +one time when it seemed like boxin' gloves would be needed. Even that +wasn't exactly _my_ fault. From the general chatter of the lovely +Wilkinson, I figured him as a big, fatheaded, good-lookin' bonehead +whose greatest trick so far had been marryin' his wife. He got my goat +a coupla times hand runnin' by dealin' himself, first, the last piece +of bread and, second, the last potato on the table. Either one of them +things would of enraged me by themselves, but pullin' 'em together was +a open dare to me to commit homicide. I laid for him for a half hour +and fin'ly I get a openin'. + +"Mister Wilkinson is packed to the ears with ambition," says the wife +to me across the table. "He expects to fall into a lot of money very +shortly." + +"I don't see how they can be no room for him to be packed with nothin' +else," I says, "after all the meat and potatoes he put away to-night. +And as far as that fallin' into a lot of money is concerned, he must be +figurin' on stumblin' at the door of the mint, hey?" + +They is a dead silence and the lovely Wilkinson give a nervous snicker +and piled up his plate with liberty links and cabbage to hide his +confusion. Alex laughs like a hyena and Mrs. Wilkinson looks even +prettier when mad than she did when tryin' to be a charmin' guest. The +wife gimme a glance that would of killed a guy with a weaker heart and +tries to laugh it off. + +"You mustn't mind him," she says. "He's always kiddin' that way about +everything. Really--I'm--I'm so angry I don't know what to do!" + +"I'll tell you what to do," I says. "See if you can get the embargo +lifted on that food down at your end of the table and ease a little +nourishment up here!" + +"He oughta leave the table!" remarks Alex. + +"You ain't talkin' to me!" I says. "I'm wonderin' if you guys will +leave the table or not. You already have eat everything else!" + +"That's right!" says the wife. "Go ahead and advertise the fact that I +have married a roughneck!" + +"My neck must of got that way from wearin' that sweater you knit me," I +says. "Hey, dearie?" + +Eve gimme a laugh, but I seen the wife was gettin' ready to bring up +the heavy artillery so I laid off. + +While the girls is seein' what soap and water will do to a pail of +dishes, I released some cigars and us strong men had a even stronger +smoke. The lovely Wilkinson seems to have somethin' on his mind and +says practically nothin', both when he talked and when he didn't. Alex +kids me about my ball team and, finely, the household cares bein' +attended to in the kitchen, we all set sail for the movies. + +The wife calls me aside, gimme a kiss and says for me to buy the +tickets. Of course after she done that I don't have to tell you who +pushed the quarters in under the cashier's window. The picture we seen +was one of them forty-eight reel thrillers and was called "Lunatic +Lily's Lover" or somethin' like that. They was a guy killed in every +reel but the first one. They was three killed in that. The picture +must of been made by the local branch of the suicide club, assisted by +a lot of candidates for the insane asylum. I'll tell the world that +the guy which wrote the scenario had at least delirium tremens. The +girls thought it was great, but I knew better and put in my time +figurin' out on the back of a envelope how many games we had to lose to +be in last place by August. + +The lovely Wilkinson gets very talkative once inside the theatre. He +starts right in on the picture and claims it's a awful thing. Every +time a guy goes over a cliff or dives off of a bridge and all the +salesladies and bankers sittin' around us gasps out loud, he speaks up +and says it's all faked with a trick camera and they ain't none of them +really doin' nothin' at all. He claims he's got a friend which used to +sell tickets for a movie theatre and he told him all about it. The +more stunts the hero of this picture does, the worse the lovely +Wilkinson gets, and it ain't long before he has captured the goat of +friend Alex, which is champion moving picture fan of the United States +and Coney Island. When the lovely Wilkinson claims that nobody in real +life could do the tricks this movie hero was pullin' off, Alex butts in. + +"How do _you_ know them things can't be done?" he says. + +"Anybody but an idiot could see that!" says Wilkinson. "The idea of +trying to make intelligent people believe that this fellow with his +hair brushed back like a rabbit's could sell one of those wealthy +millionaires gold mines and the like. Why, he'd be thrown out of the +office and--" + +"No wonder you ain't a success!" butts in Alex. + +The lovely Wilkinson shows a little spirit. + +"How do you know I ain't a success?" he says. "I'm making my good +twenty-five dollars each and every week." + +"Yeh?" sneers Alex. "I once heard tell of a feller which was makin' +thirty, but I ain't sure of it because none of the newspapers said a +word about it." He turns around and lowers his voice on account of +some hisses comin' from fans in the back. "Look here!" he says. "All +jokes to one side, they ain't nothin' that this feller done in the +picture that can't be done by anybody. A man can do anything he wants +to, _anything_, they ain't no limit--if he's got enough sand to fight +his way through whatever stands in his way! I don't care what the +thing is he wants, a man can get anything if he keeps tryin' and--" + +"You hate yourself, don't you?" butts in the lovely Wilkinson, +peevishly. "I suppose you think _you_ could do anything--" + +"I do not," says Alex. "I _know_ it! I ain't talkin' about myself +though, I'm talkin' about you. You're a young married feller with a +sweet, beautiful, and, for all I know, sensible little wife. You +people are just startin' out, and I want to see you make good. I think +you got the stuff in you somewheres, but not to be rough or nothin' of +the sort, I must say you have been a success at concealin' it so far. +Twenty-five dollars a week ain't enough wages for nobody--as long as +they's somebody makin' twenty-six--understand? And if you get where +they pay you twenty-five dollars a _minute_ instead of a week, you +wanna try and make 'em think you're worth thirty! The mistake you and +a lot of young fellers make is quittin' at a given point. They ain't +no point to quit! I bet when you was makin' eighteen dollars a week +you hustled like blazes to make twenty, but when you got up to +twenty-five you prob'ly told yourself that you was makin' as much as +most of the boys you knew and more than some, so why wear yourself out +and slave for a fatheaded boss, eh? Right in sight of the grandstand +you blew up and quit in the stretch. I bet you think right now that +you're makin' good because you're holdin' down the job, hey? That +ain't makin' good, that's stealin' the boss's money--petty larceny, and +deprivin' your future kids of a even chance--a felony! Give the boss +everything you got, and he'll pay for it. If he don't, get out and +dive in somewheres else! They ain't no place on earth where they ain't +a openin' for a live one at any hour of the day or night!" + +The lovely Wilkinson says nothin'. + +Pretty soon and much to my delight, this here picture comes to a end, +and while we're goin' out in the lobby, the lovely Wilkinson calls his +wife aside and whispers somethin' in her ear. It ain't over a second +later that we're all invited up to the Wilkinson flat for a little bite +and the like before retirin'. + +The girls starts a hot and no doubt interestin' argument about how many +purls make a knit and so forth, and the lovely Wilkinson, after +fidgetin' around a bit, calls us into another room. He closes the door +very careful. + +"I got something very personal and very important I'd like to speak to +you about," he says to Alex. + +"I'll go out on the fire escape," I says. + +"No!" he says. "I want you to stay and hear this too." He turns to +Alex again. "I been thinking over what you said in the theatre +to-night," he begins, "and I guess you're pretty near right about me. +However, I have a big chance now to make good and get out of the +twenty-five dollar class, only, as usual, luck is against me." + +"They is no such thing as luck," says Alex. "Forget about that luck +thing, put the letter 'P' before the word and you got it! That's the +first rule in my booklet, 'Success While You Wait.' I must send you +one." + +"Thanks," says the lovely Wilkinson. "You see, I'm a salesman for a +big wholesale clothing house downtown and right at the beginning of the +war I went up to Plattsburg to try for a commission in the army. I was +rejected on account of a bad eye. While I was up there, I met Colonel +Williams, who is now practically in charge of the buying of equipment +for the army. I've been trying for months to land the overcoat +contract for my house and last week I finally got things lined up. I +have got to have one thousand of our storm-proof army coats in +Washington by five o'clock to-morrow afternoon. At that time, Colonel +Williams will see me at the War Department and I can give him prices on +various lots and so forth." + +"Why do you have to bring that many coats down?" asks Alex. "Wouldn't +a couple be enough for a sample?" + +"No," says Wilkinson. "These coats are to be given to men in a +cantonment near Washington, where they will get actual wear under +varying conditions. If I'm not in Washington with them at five +to-morrow, I'll lose my chance because, the following day, men from +four rival houses have appointments with the Colonel." + +"Well," I butts in, "what's stoppin' you from goin' to Washington?" + +"Nothing is stopping _me_," he says, "but I can't get the coats down +there with me in time! The two shipments that we have sent by freight +have gone astray somewhere and, as government supplies have the right +of way over all other shipments, the express companies will not +guarantee a delivery at any set time." + +"But them coats are government supplies, ain't they?" says Alex. + +"Not yet!" says the lovely Wilkinson. "Not until they are accepted. +Right now they are nothing but samples of clothing. I've gone into +that part thoroughly." + +Alex gets up and walks around the room a coupla times, throwin' up a +smoke screen from his cigar. Then he stops and looks at his watch. + +"It's now almost eleven o'clock," he says. "Where are them coats?" + +The lovely Wilkinson looks puzzled. + +"Why," he says. "Why--they're in our stock room at 245 Broadway." + +"Can we get in there to-night?" asks Alex, reachin' for his hat. + +"I have a key," says Wilkinson, "but I'm afraid I don't quite get the +idea. I--" + +"Look here!" says Alex, very brisk. "I'm goin' to deliver you and one +thousand of them overcoats outside the War Department in Washington at +five o'clock to-morrow afternoon! What will you get if you land this +order?" + +The lovely Wilkinson leaps out of his chair. + +"Why--I--," he splutters, "I--get fifteen per cent if--but you can't +get the coats there, it's impossible! Why--" + +"Never let me hear you use that word impossible' again!" snorts Alex. +"Speak United States! I spent a half hour to-night tellin' you that a +man can do _anything_ if he wants to. Now look here, they ain't no +time to lose. I'll land you and your coats in Washington to-morrow on +time. That will cost your firm around a thousand dollars--the same +bein' the price of the means of locomotion. I will take your word of +honor that you will pay me twenty per cent of any profits you make on +any order you take as a result of my efforts. Is it a bargain? Speak +quick!" + +"If you are thinking of getting a special train," says Wilkinson, "it +can't be--" + +"Yes or no!" hollers Alex. "I'll take care of the rest!" + +"Yes!" yells the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin' around like some of Alex's +pep has entered his system. "If you put this over for me, I'll give +you _half_ of anything I get!" + +"You're gonna put it over yourself!" says Alex. "Now listen to me. +You grab a taxi and beat it down to your stock room. Get them +overcoats ready and in about a hour I'll call there for you. We're +goin' to Washington to-night and don't be over five minutes sayin' +good-by to your wife!" + +"But--" says Wilkinson, lookin' like Alex had him hypnotized. + +"Git!" bawls Alex, and slams a hat on the lovely Wilkinson's head. + +Well, within four minutes the lovely Wilkinson has beat it, leavin' +behind a astounded and weepin' wife and Alex is on the phone callin' up +the Gaflooey Auto Company's service station and in ten minutes more he +has arranged to have a truck and a mechanic chug-chuggin' outside the +house. Then he turns to me. + +"Here is another chance for you to lose some dough," he says. "I'm +gonna take Wilkinson and his trick overcoats down to Washington by way +of a auto truck. If we leave here at midnight, we got about seventeen +hours to make 225 miles, that's an average of around thirteen miles a +hour. The Gaflooey one-ton truck can make twenty, if chased. Of +course we may hit some bum roads or lose the carburetor and so forth, +which might delay us some. What'll you bet I don't put this over?" + +I walked over to the window and looked out at New York. They is one of +them rains fallin' that generally plays a week stand before passin' on +to the next village. I figured that trip in the middle of the night, +the rain and the tough goin'. + +"Gimme a proposition," I says. + +"All right," says Alex. "Me and Eve needs some furniture for the +library. I'll bet you fifteen hundred against a thousand that I get +Wilkinson in Washington in time to put over his deal." + +"I got you," I says. "If he gets there too late to put over anything +with the War Department, I win--right?" + +"Correct!" says Alex. "And now have Cousin Alice put up some +sandwiches and the like for us. I got a lot to do!" + +Well, at five minutes to twelve that night they was a Gaflooey truck +gasolined its merry way aboard a Forty-second Street ferry. On board +it was Alex, the lovely Wilkinson, one thousand storm-proof army +overcoats and yours in the faith. + +I ain't liable to forget that trip for a long while to come, because I +got soaked to the skin--with water--and just missed gettin' pneumonia +by one cough. The rain kept gettin' worse and worse and it hadn't a +thing on the roads. We went through Trenton, N. J., along around 4 +a.m. in a storm that would of made the Flood look like fallin' dew. +The mud is up over the hubs of the truck, but it keeps plowin' along at +a steady gait with Alex and the mechanic takin' turns at the wheel. I +crawled in under some of them one thousand overcoats at Philly and went +to sleep, the last I heard bein' the lovely and half-drowned Wilkinson +callin' out the time every fifteen minutes and moanin', "We'll never +make it!" + +Mornin' brung no let up in the rain, but the old Gaflooey truck keeps +thunderin' on. Sometimes we done five miles a hour, sometimes twenty +and when this big baby was goin' twenty, believe me, it was rough +sleddin'! We run into a bridge at Wilmington, Del., and at Baltimore +we bumped a Flivver off of the road, but outside of that they was +nothin' but rain and mud and the lovely Wilkinson complainin' about the +dampness, like he was the only one that was gettin' a endless cold +shower. + +It was twenty minutes of five when we rolled into the city limits of +Washington and I'll tell the world we was a rough lookin' bunch. Alex +is grinnin' from ear to ear and slappin' Wilkinson on the back and this +guy has perked up a bit, though wishin' out loud that he was home with +coffee, bacon and eggs and Mrs. Wilkinson. I am cursin' the day that +ever brung Alex into our family circle and wonderin' if death by double +pneumonia is painful. The mechanic is fallin' asleep at the wheel, +wakin' himself up from time to time with shots out of a flask and of +lemon ice-cream sodas or something he had on his hip. + +We stopped in front of the War Department and Alex says we better +straighten up ourselves and the overcoats before callin' on Colonel +Williams. At that, the mechanic falls off the seat and dives into a +restaurant and we go back to look at the coats. + +"If any of us had any brains," says Alex, jerkin' a coat off the pile, +"we would all of worn one of these here things and kept nice and +dry--_Sufferin mackerel_!" he winds up all of a sudden. + +Me and the lovely Wilkinson swings around and there's Alex holdin' up +the coat. + +Oh, boy!!!!! + +This here storm-proof army coat, which Wilkinson hoped to unload on the +U. S. army, just simply fell apart in his hands! He grabbed another +and another--and they're all alike. The rain has took all the color +outa them, they have shrunk till they is hardly enough cloth to +accommodate the buttons and the linin's, which was supposed to be +leather, has fell right to shreds from the water. All in all, they was +nothin' but a mess of soggy, muddy rags which no self-respectin' junk +dealer would of took for a gift! + +The lovely Wilkinson's face is a picture. He's as pale as the mornin' +cream and I thought for a minute he was gonna bust out cryin'. I +couldn't help feelin' sorry for the kid, but when I thought of that +wild night ride through the rain and mud to bring this bunch of garbage +to Washington, I wanted to laugh out loud! And then I remember Alex +bettin' me Wilkinson would take the order, and I haw-hawed myself +silly, right there in the street. + +"Shut up!" barks Alex, swingin' around on me. "This here is far from a +laughin' matter. It's pretty serious business!" He turns to Wilkinson +and shakes him by the shoulder. "Young man," he snaps, "is that the +kind of stuff you were goin' to put on our boys which fought for you in +France?" + +Wilkinson is lookin' at the coats like they fascinated him. + +"Why--why this is terrible!" he stammers, fin'ly. "They told +me--why--Good Heavens, you don't think _I_ knew these things were made +up like this, do you?" + +Alex studies him for a minute. + +"No," he says, "I don't! You don't look like you'd do that, anyways. +What's the name of your firm?" + +"Gerhardt and Schmidt," says Wilkinson. "I know it sounds German, but +both members of the firm have been naturalized and--" + +"Never mind that," says Alex. "Even if it wasn't no worse than a +scheme to clean up on a government contract, I think the Secret Service +will be interested in seein' them coats!" + +The lovely Wilkinson sits right down on the curb and buries his face in +his hands. + +"Good night!" he moans. "I'm done for now. I thought this was going +to be a big thing for me and--" + +Alex slaps him on the back. + +"No whinin'," he says. "We're still in Washington--you can't tell what +might happen yet." + +"You can gimme that fifteen hundred berries right now if you want, +Alex," I says, "because I'm gonna grab the next train for Manhattan. +This is _one_ that beat you and--" + +"Ssh!" says the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin' up suddenly. "Here comes +Colonel Williams himself!" + +We looked around and sure enough there's two army officers walkin' over +to the War Department. When they got opposite us, Wilkinson braces +himself and steps forward. + +"Pardon me, Colonel," he says. "I'm Mister Wilkinson of Gerhardt and +Schmidt. I had an appointment with you to-day at five to show you +those army coats." + +The Colonel looks at him. + +"Oh, yes," he says, very pleasant. "Just step inside, Mister +Wilkinson. I'll see you in my office. You are very prompt. You must +have been caught in the downpour--you're soaking wet." + +"Yes, sir," says Wilkinson. "I--ah--Colonel, I don't think there's any +use of me stepping into your office." + +"Eh--why not?" says the Colonel. + +Wilkinson turns several of the popular colors. + +"I--ah--the fact is," he says, "our coat is not what the United States +government wants, Colonel. I didn't know it at the time I solicited +the contract--I--I've just found it out. We brought the required +number of coats down here by auto truck, not being able to get them +here on time by freight or express. The trip was made in yesterday's +storm and"--he points to the mess on the truck--"there's the coats!" + +The Colonel examines a couple of them soggy rags and he gets very +severe. I heard him say somethin' that sounded like "Damn!" a couple +of times, and then he turns to Wilkinson. + +"This is a matter for the Department of Justice," he says. "You will +leave the truck and its load right here, Mister Wilkinson, and I'll +personally see that it's taken care of. Your action in coming direct +to me with this evidence is commendable. You may telegraph your firm +that the United States government is holding this shipment for +investigation. I'm sorry for your sake that this happened, as I had +all but made up my mind to give you the contract. If you desire to see +me further, I'll be in my office until six." + +With that he stamps away. The other officer who was with him has been +walkin' around the Gaflooey truck all the time and examin' it like it's +the first auto he ever seen in his life. + +"Pardon me," he says to Wilkinson, "did I understand you to say that +you made the trip from New York yesterday in the storm on this truck?" + +"Yes, sir," says Wilkinson. + +The officer pulls out a notebook. + +"What time did you leave New York?" he asks, very businesslike. + +Wilkinson tells him. Then the officer asks if we had any trouble, how +much gas and oil we used, what was our average speed and a million +other things. Alex's eyes begin to dance around, and he winks at me +like there's somethin' in the air. Fin'ly the officer walks away, +after thankin' the lovely Wilkinson for the information. + +"Now!" hollers Alex, grabbin' Wilkinson's arm. "You win!" + +"Win?" moans Wilkinson. "I'll be lucky if I don't go to jail!" + +"You're crazy!" bellers Alex, gettin' more and more excited. "You had +nothin' to do with this thing--you didn't know the coats was no good. +Forget about that, the thing is you got a chance right now to put over +a bigger thing than them overcoats. You come here to make a sale, +didn't you? All right, go to it! That officer is connected with the +purchasin' department of the government, and he wasted a lot of time +talkin' to you about that truck. Do you realize what a wonderful thing +that was to get down here O.K. in that terrible storm yesterday? +No--_you_ don't, but _he_ did! Right now he's got that there truck on +his mind. Go after him before he gets inside the buildin' and make +your sale!" + +"But," says Wilkinson, kinda dazed, "what have I got to sell? The +overcoats are--" + +"Damn the overcoats!" hollers Alex. "Sell him the truck that brought +'em down--they ain't nothin' wrong with that! If it's good enough for +a trip like that, it's good enough for the army, ain't it? Hurry up +and make an appointment with him for to-day, and I'll get you the +figures on the Gaflooey truck for a hundred or a million--I know 'em by +heart!" + +"By Heavens, I'll chance it!" says Wilkinson, and runs after the +officer. + +Comin' up on the train that night I sit in the smoker and write Alex my +check for a thousand berries. They was no two ways about it as he +showed me, because he had bet he would make Wilkinson put over a sale +in Washington. He didn't say _what_ he had to sell. The lovely +Wilkinson, which has sent about five dollars' worth of night letters to +his wife, is sittin' on the other side, delirious with joy and with a +order in his pocket for one thousand Gaflooey trucks as per the one we +come down in. Alex had wired the Gaflooey people and had Wilkinson +appointed a salesman for the Washington territory on his +recommendation. Them guys would do anything for Alex, because he put +'em on the map. With telegraphed credentials from New York, the rest +was a cinch for even the lovely Wilkinson, because the truck sold +itself! + +"They is only one thing that beats me," I says to Alex before we turn +in on the sleeper. "Why didn't _you_ sell the truck and make all the +dough yourself?" + +"Its a good thing you don't need brains in your game," says Alex, "or +you and Alice would starve! I wanted Wilkinson to make the sale all by +himself, because it will give him confidence, and then, again, he'll +advertise me. I get half of his commission, I grab a bonus from the +Gaflooey people for helpin' the sale along and then there's that +thousand bucks of yours, which I would of lost if I sold the trucks +myself. Also, I have put Mister Wilkinson over, and that's what I +started out to do!" + +"You win!" I says. "I don't see how you get away with it. It's past +me!" + +"Huh!" says Alex. "They ain't no trick to it at all--why say, even +_you_ could of done it!" + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +THE LITTLE THINGS DON'T COUNT + +They's many a guy clutterin' up a pay roll for about thirty bucks a +week, which has got more brains than his boss has income tax. When he +went to school they wasn't a day that some other kid didn't wanna +murder him because he got 100 in arithmetic and the like. He passed on +to high school and even invaded college, where he dumfounded all in +hearing with his knowledge of--everything! When he was fin'ly turned +loose on a helpless world, he was so far ahead of his class that they +held special services for him and had the regular one the next day. + +Now the dope oughta be that this marvel of intelligence should be down +in Wall Street now, tellin' J. P. Morgan and etc. that the next time +they come in late for work he'd fire 'em. Well, about once in ten +thousand times this is true. Usually, however, this guy is the bird +that takes your card at the office door and says, "Sit down, Mr. +Morgan's fifth assistant secretary will see you in a moment." And then +the head bookkeeper rings a bell and this guy says, "Yes, sir," and +jumps! + +They is a reason for this, the same as for everything else outside of +the Kaiser. The swell-dressed assassin with the ladies, which writes +such beautiful figures and knows offhand how much is thirty-three times +eighty, is fast joinin' the list of non-essential industrials. They +got a machine now which can count better than him, and don't try to +make no date with the stenographer, either! He thinks his boss is a +boob, because said boss is a little bit in doubt as to what day of the +week Napoleon joined the army, and he wonders how in heaven's name a +guy as stupid as that ever got as far as he did. The answer to that +one is easy. While _he_ was memorizin' the fact that A plus C equals +X, his _boss_ was figurin' how to hire a brainy guy like him to count +his dough! + +The wife and I are about to set sail for the movies one night, when our +French maid from the Bronx admits a interruption by the name of Alex. + +"Well," he says, kidnappin' my goat by treatin' himself to one of my +pet cigars, "I have run across another feller which I am on the verge +of makin' a success. I've studied his case carefully and all he needs +is to be set on the right track to bust all speed records." + +"Where did you meet this second-story man?" I says. + +"He ain't no burglar," says Alex; "he's some kind of a bookkeeper, and +he's got one of the sweetest little girls in love with him you ever +seen!" + +"I thought you was married," I says. + +"Now," says Alex, snubbin' me as usual, "I want to bring him up here to +dinner to-morrow night and have you meet him as he is at present. In a +short time later I'll bring him back again, and if he hasn't made +himself a success, I'll buy you all the best dinner you ever eat!" + +"Listen!" I says. "As Hoover says, 'Food will win the war--don't eat +it!' Don't be invitin' no more guys up here to dinner. It's tough +enough to have to feed _you_ three or four times a week, without you +ringin' in these guys which acts like I win them steaks and chops in a +raffle. Now I'm goin' to the movies. They's a five-reeler down at the +corner called 'She Give Her Soul!' and they ain't no man gonna keep me +from seein' that to-night." + +"Come along with us, Alex," chimes in the wife. "A couple of my girl +friends which used to be in the Winter Garden with me is in this +picture and I'm crazy to see them!" + +"Hmph!" snorts Alex. "Anybody is crazy which pays money to look at +them fool movin' pictures. If I had my way, they'd all be stopped +and--" + +"Lillian Dish is in this one," butts in the wife. "Have you seen her +lately?" + +"No!" says Alex, jumpin' up. "By mackerel, I haven't! Hurry up, we'll +be late--you people is never in time for anything! Lillian Dish, hey? +Say! Did you see her in 'What's a Wife?' She was great! Why I--" + +I dragged the both of them out. + +Promptly at seven the next night Alex comes up with his new-found +friend. I let forth a groan and told the maid to lay a couple more +plates, but to slice everything as thin as possible without cuttin' her +hands. The stranger was a tall, slim bird which wouldn't have been +bad-looking if he hadn't been so serious. He acted like it was a +felony to smile, and got my name wrong the first four times he repeated +it. + +Well, after the sound of clashin' knives and forks had died away, the +wife dolls all up and goes over to visit the hero which wed Alex; and +us strong men repairs to the parlor, where the cigars clink merrily and +the like. + +The stranger's name turned out to be S. Jared Rushton, and after a +while I figured the "S" stood for "Silly." This guy knowed more about +figures than the stage manager at the Follies. He was a hound for +numbers, dates and etc. He had a better memory than a loan shark, and +a encyclopedia would look stupid alongside of him. No matter what the +subject was, this guy knowed more about it than the bird which wrote it +and would butt in with the figures to prove it. Fin'ly, when I struck +a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of them used in New York +every fiscal year, I went out into the kitchen for air! + +[Illustration: I struck a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of +them used in New York every fiscal year.] + +At first it was kinda interestin' and entertainin' to get the inside +dope on _everything_ at practically no cost, but they is such a thing +as bein' _too_ clever; and when it become impossible to speak of +anything on earth from bankin' to beer, without this bird buttin' in +with all the figures on it, I got enough! I tried to yawn him into +goin' home, and he notices I got two bum teeth. That furnished him +with a scenario for tellin' me that every year 490,517 people is +treated by dentists in New York alone, and I says I can't help it and +he mustn't of got a wink or sleep the night he counted 'em. + +"Oh," he says, "it's very simple. I carry all those figures in my +head." + +"Why not?" I says. "They's plenty of room there!" + +He looked kinda peeved; but before he could come back at me, Alex takes +things in hand. + +"Jared," he says, "you are certainly a educated citizen. With all them +interestin' facts and figures in your head you must be very valuable to +the firm you work for, hey?" + +Jared throws out what chest he had with him. + +"Well," he says, "I saved the Hamilton Construction Company just +$6,547.98 last year by cutting down the excessive use of lead pencils +and blotters alone!" + +"That's fine!" says Alex. "No doubt they give you a handsome bonus for +that, hey?" + +"Of course," says Jared. "They raised my salary to thirty-five dollars +a week. I was only getting thirty-two and a half." + +"You saved them six thousand last year and they raised you about a +hundred and thirty, eh?" says Alex. "Now, listen! Why couldn't you +have made that six thousand for _yourself_ just as easy?" + +"Why--I--why--" stammers Jared. "I have no chance to make anything but +my salary. I'm simply working there, and--" + +"And you always will be, if you don't get wise to yourself!" butts in +Alex. "Your boss--" + +"My boss, eh?" sneers Jared. "Say, he hasn't got the brains of a gnat! +He'd be absolutely up in the air if I wasn't at his elbow with data and +estimates on everything. He doesn't know anything, and--" + +"No, I guess not!" butts in Alex, with a odd grin. "He don't know +anything--only how to make money! Say, listen! If this boss of yours +is such a boob, what must _you_ be? You're _workin'_ for him, ain't +you? Why should he have any brains, when he can rent yours for +thirty-five dollars a week? Now, listen to me, son. You know a little +about everything on earth, with the slight exception of yourself! The +figures that should interest you more than anything else is these: For +every dollar _you_ make, your boob boss is makin' a thousand. Ever +figure them statistics along with the other stuff?" + +Jared registers embarrassment. "Look here!" he says. "I really don't +see the reason of all this. I consider myself quite successful. I may +not be making a million a week, but I'm always sure of my job, and +that's quite a lot!" + +"You're always sure of your job, hey?" bawls Alex. "That's the slogan +of the quitter! 'I'm gettin' my little old salary fifty-two weeks a +year, and that's good enough for me.' That's the motto of the loser." +With that he jumps up and sticks his face so close to Jared I thought +he was gonna bite him or the like. "What about the future?" he +hollers. "You must have brains, or you couldn't of collected that mass +of junk in your dome. You got a million dollars' worth of salable +stuff from the top of your collar to the crown of your derby and you're +peddlin' it away for thirty-five a week. I'll bet right now you could +produce a scheme for gettin' a quarter that would be unbeatable, +legitimate, and successful. But if you was asked to dope out a scheme +for gettin' twenty-five thousand dollars, the size of the figures alone +would knock that thinker of yours cold! You can't think that big. +Your mind's all cluttered up with little things. It's a junk pile. +The same concentration and perseverance on some one _big_ thing would +put you over--and if you don't believe it, ask your boob boss, which +undoubtedly did just that and is now keepin' you!" + +"That's all rot!" remarks Jared. "There's about one chance in a +million of getting over in New York. You've got to get in right, and +even then it's largely a matter of luck! If I was ever asked, I'd tell +every young man to keep away from New York. The town's too big! It +swallows you up and you're buried there till--" + +Zam!!! Alex bounces outa his chair and shakes his finger under Jared's +nose. + +"That's not true!" he hollers. "Listen to me, young feller! I came +here a short time ago with one-tenth of the ability that you got. New +York looked as cold and hard to me as it does to any rube that slinks +in from the outlands, crazy with the desire to capture it. But instead +of drivin' me back to the dear old farm, the tough conditions here +_attracted_ me. That is, takin' for granted your statement that they +are tough, which I don't believe. I know that a man with the genuine +goods can deliver them here at top price quicker than any other place +on earth." + +"But wait!" interrupts Jared, seemin' to catch some of Alex's pep. +"Your case was exceptional. You must admit--" + +"I don't admit nothin'!" roars Alex. "Suppose your argument is true. +Let's say the chances for success here _are_ slim. All right, fine! +That's what made _me_ stick! Your own argument makes New York _the_ +place to make good in. If there's satisfaction in winnin' over one man +or a thousand, think of a hard-won square victory over six millions! +Why, boy, the very quality of the competition here keeps a man on his +toes and, if he makes good _here_, he's _done_ somethin'!" + +Well, believe me, when Alex wound up that speech they was so much pep +in the room I felt like goin' out and tellin' Rockefeller I'd forgot +more about the oil game than he ever knew! Jared looks kinda dazed and +Alex never gives him a chance to get set. + +"How about--ah--Miss Evans?" he says; "have you thought about her?" + +"See here!" busts out Jared. "We won't discuss Mab--er--Miss Evans." + +Alex grins. + +"That's fine!" he says. "I'm glad you got some spirit left; they's +hope for you yet! Let's see," he goes on, like they had been no +interruption at all, "how long have you known Miss Evans?" + +"Over a year," says Jared. "But I don't see what--" + +Alex points a finger at him. + +"You love her, don't you?" he barks out. + +"Of course I do!" mumbles Jared, like he's answering without knowin' it. + +"Then why don't you marry her?" + +Jared stares at him like he's in a trance. + +"_Marry_ her?" he gasps. "Marry her? Why if I ever asked her _that_, +she wouldn't even let me call on her any more!" + +"You're crazy!" remarks Alex pleasantly. "Now listen, son! You been +goin' around with that girl over a year, and if she didn't reciprocate +your feelin' for her, you wouldn't of lasted that long. Jared, old +boy, a year is too long to monopolize a girl without declarin' +yourself! You're spoilin' her chances, and it's dead wrong! They is +plenty of other young men which would give their left eye to take her +to the movies and the like, but they're layin' off because, havin' +always seen her with you, they take it for granted they is no chance. +That's fine right now for both of you; but if anything should arise +that would make you two part, it won't be as easy for her to replace +you. Now you need a incentive, and a strong one, to put you across. +They is no bigger incentive on earth than matrimony. Go to her and +ask--" + +"One minute!" butts in Jared. "I never was talked to like this in my +life before, and why I'm permitting you to discuss my personal affairs, +I don't know. As long as I am, I'll go through with it. What you say +may be true, but this girl is different, and--" + +"Jared," says Alex, "I don't doubt that she's different, but, +nevertheless, she's a member of the well-known female sex, and I'm +basin' my dope on that! I'll tell you what I'll do with you. You ask +Miss Evans to marry you, and, if she refuses, I'll give you a job +myself for fifty dollars a week; fifteen more than you get now. If she +accepts, you gotta raise yourself by your own efforts to fifty dollars +a week within six months, or go to work for me for twenty. Now if you +got some red blood in you, let's see it!" + +Well, Jared gets up and walks around the room for a minute and fin'ly +he comes over and holds out his hand to Alex. + +"You're on!" he says. "Only, I'll say this: If Mabel--er--Miss Evans, +accepts me, I'll be so happy that I won't be good for _any_thing for a +month. If she refuses me, I'll _never_ be any good any more! However, +I'll try it. Perhaps I've been asleep. I don't know. But if this +girl ever marries me--" He stops and bangs his fists on the table. +"Oh, boy!!!!" he winds up. + +Just then they is a ring at the telephone. The maid makes a entrance +and claims Mr. Jared Rushton is wanted. In about five minutes, Jared +comes back and apologizes. + +"My boss, Mr. Hamilton," he says. "I've always got to let him know +where he can get in touch with me after office hours. I gave him your +phone number before I came here to-night." He turns to Alex. "That's +what it is to be a valuable man," he says. "The boss wants me to get +all the data together for an estimate on one of the biggest contracts +we've ever had a whack at. That means I'll be up all night, so I'll +have to leave now. Our four big contract experts are scattered 'round +the country and the boss will have to go after this one himself +to-morrow. There will be a conference at the Hotel Dubois, and--" + +Alex jumps up, his eyes flashin'. + +"Why can't _you_ go after that contract?" he shoots out. + +Jared looks like he's been hit on the chin. + +"_Me_?" he stammers. "Why--why--" + +"Why, why, nothin'!" butts in Alex. "Here's a chance for you to show +Miss Evans, your boss, and the rest of the world what's in you. If +your boss calls on you for the figures in this thing, then you must +know more about it than he does, or anybody else in the office. Can +you get him on the phone?" + +"But--but I have never sold anything in my life!" says Jared. "You +don't understand this thing at all. It requires experience and--oh, +it's silly to even think of it! Why--" + +"Yeh?" butts in Alex. "What's his number?" He rushes to the phone. + +"Say, listen--please!" pleads Jared; "it's not a bit regular and--why, +he'd fire me out of hand if I ever did anything like this!" + +"The number!" bawls Alex, with the receiver off the hook. + +"Riverside 33,312," stammers Jared, wringin' his hands. "But look +here, you mustn't--" + +Alex gets the number and Jared falls back in a chair, and mutters +somethin' about bein' ruined for life. In another minute, Alex is +announcin' to somebody that Mr. Jared Rushton wishes to speak to Mr. +Hamilton on a matter of the greatest importance. Jared lets forth a +wail like a dyin' fish or the like, and then Alex grabs him by the arms. + +"Now, go to it!" he says. "Tell him you want a chance at this contract +yourself. Say you know more about it than anyone else and have been +plannin' the thing for weeks. You don't _think_ you can land this +contract--you _know_ it!" + +"But," wails Jared, "I _don't_ know--" + +Alex shoves him over to the phone. + +Well, the funniest conversation you, I, or anybody else ever heard +begins right then and there. Jared starts off kinda weak and tremblin' +and I felt sorry for him, because from his answers it looked like a +cinch that he was fired. Pretty soon he gets a little stronger, and in +a few minutes he was talkin' like the boss was workin' for _him_! The +only way I can figure it is that Alex had hopped him up so much that he +got to where he believed himself that he was the only man on earth that +could land this contract. When Jared says if he don't get this chance +he's gonna quit his job right then and there and the boss can look +elsewhere for the estimate figures, I almost fell off the couch, and +Alex does a war dance. + +Bang! Jared slams down the receiver and swings around on Alex. + +"Well," he snaps out, "you've done it! I am to be at the Hotel Dubois +at eleven to-morrow to meet the representatives of one of the biggest +steel concerns in the country. I'm to take from them a contract +running into millions. If I don't get it, I'm fired. If I do get +it--well, there's no use talking about that part of it, because I +won't!" + +With that he sinks into a chair and buries his head in his hands. Alex +keeps right on top of him. + +"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands together. "Now call up Miss Evans +and ask her to marry you!" + +"What?" shrieks Jared, bouncin' up from his chair. "What is this? A +nightmare? You've already probably cost me my job, and now you want to +wreck my happiness! I was a fool to listen to you. I--" + +"Sure!" says Alex. "Let's get her on the phone right away." + +Jared looks wildly around the room and grabs for his hat. Alex pushes +him back in a chair. + +"Now, you listen to me!" he snarls, all the grin gone from him. "You +are at this minute facin' the biggest thing that's ever come into your +thirty-five-dollar-a-week life. You got a chance now to rise above the +mob. You also got a chance to marry what is the greatest girl in the +world, accordin' to your own admission. If you ask her to marry you +_before_ you go after this contract and she accepts you, think of the +confidence you'll have! Why, boy, if this girl says she'll marry you, +they ain't nothin' in New York can stop you from goin' over the top! +Go on! You're all worked up now--go to it before you get cold!" + +Jared grabs up the phone receiver, pale as a ghost. + +"By heavens!" he says. "I--you--if--Gimme Morningside 77,638, quick!" + +Alex closes the door and pulls me into the other room. + +"That there's gonna be private," he says. + +"Where did you meet this Miss Evans?" I says. + +"H'mph!" grunts Alex. "I never seen the girl in my life! Jared simply +told me about her, that's all!" + +"Well," I says, "you certainly have balled things up. They ain't a +doubt in my mind but that you've made that poor boy lose his job; and +as far as I can see you're gonna make him lose his girl, too! I'd hate +to be you when he staggers away from that phone!" + +"Yeh?" grins Alex. "Well, I'll tell you somethin': As long as I'm +goin' to all this trouble, I might as well get somethin' outta it. +I'll bet you ten thousand to five the girl marries him and he lands the +contract. If he loses either one, or both, you win!" + +"Write it!" I says. + +He hain't no more than handed the thing over to me, when in comes +Jared. His face is all flushed and he acts like a guy walkin' in his +sleep. + +"I know neither of you will believe it," he says, in a far-away voice. +"In fact, I think I'm dreaming, myself!" + +"What did she say?" demands Alex, shakin' him. + +"She said yes!" hollers Jared, in a voice that must of woke up sleepers +in Kansas City. "Let me have my hat, I want to go over to her right +away!" + +"Well, what do you think of my dope now, hey?" says Alex. + +"I'll never be able to thank you for what you've done for me!" says +Jared, holdin' out his hand. "Why, just imagine! This wonderful girl +is going to be my wife and I had no more idea--Why, this girl is as +different from any other as--But you wouldn't understand--" + +"I understand perfect!" says Alex, shakin' his hand. "And now the next +thing is that contract, which should be a cinch for you after what you +just done. Go over and see her now, but don't forget them figures on +the--" + +"Contract?" butts in Jared, jammin' on his hat. "What's a contract to +me now? I'm going to marry the greatest girl in the world, man! Can +you imagine her accepting me! Oh, boy!!!!!" + +With that he does a few little fancy steps around the room, throwing a +twenty-dollar pillow at Alex and a book at me. + +This here's a new angle, and Alex grabs him. + +"Look here!" he says. "I know you're in a hurry, so I don't want to +hold you up now; but you wanna recover from this here till you land +that contract! You'll lose your job if you don't, and you ain't gonna +start off married life outta work, are you?" + +"I should worry!" sings Jared, still one-steppin' about the room. "I +can get another job--forty of 'em! I can get anything at all, now. +She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!" + +[Illustration: "She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!"] + +He dashes for the door, and Alex runs after him. + +"What time is the appointment with the big steel men?" he shrieks in +his ear. + +"What's a big steel man to me?" asks Jared, struggling to get away. +"What's anything? I'll bet she would have accepted me long ago if--" + +"What time is that conference?" howls Alex. + +"I care not!" sings Jared, throwing the phone book up in the air, and a +idiotic grin at me. "I'm going to have a quiet wedding and--" + +I thought Alex was gonna choke him! + +Personally, I developed a bad case of the hystericals. + +"The time?" screams Alex. + +"Eleven o'clock," says Jared. + +"Will you promise me on your word of honor to meet me at that hotel at +ten to-morrow, in view of what I done for you?" says Alex. + +"Sure!" hollers Jared. "I'll promise anything! Look what's been +promised to me!" + +With that he breaks away from Alex and dives out the door. + +Alex comes back and sinks down into a chair, wipin' off his fevered +brow with a handkerchief. + +"That baby is a plain nut!" I remarks. + +"Whew!" pants Alex. "I started somethin' now, that's sure! Still, I +don't blame the boy. I felt the same way when Eve claimed she'd wed +me, and I guess you did too when Alice went temporarily insane and +brung you into the family. If I can keep him keyed up to that pitch +to-morrow, he'll land that contract, and I'll land your five thousand!" + +"He won't land nothin'!" I says. "He's gone nutty now, and you'll be +lucky if he shows up at all. This here's _one_ bet I win!" + +"Yeh?" snaps Alex, gettin' up and reachin' for his hat. "D'ye wanna +take five thousand more of it?" + +"No!" I says. "Good night!" + +At nine forty-five the next mornin', which is practically the middle of +the night for me, Alex comes around and drags me outta bed. He says +he's goin' down and watch Jared put the contract over and he wants me +along to witness the losin' of my bet. + +We are in the lobby of the hotel gettin' ready to have Jared paged, +when along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from the +Follies when Ziegfield was busy countin' up the receipts or somethin'. +I'll tell the world fair she was _some_ girl. + +She's lookin' at Jared like he was the eleventh wonder of the world, +and he's gazin' back at her like she was the other ten. + +"Hello!" hollers Alex, grabbin' Jared's hand and makin' believe it's a +pump handle. "Congratulations! I wish I felt as happy as both you +folks look!" + +"You couldn't!" says Jared, still with that dazed look on his face. +"This is my future wife, gentlemen. We're on our way down for the +license now. Come on along as witnesses. We're going to be married +right--" + +"What about that steel contract?" Alex butts in. "Did you get the +figures all together last night?" + +"I did not!" says Jared. "What do I care about a steel contract? I +landed a bigger contract than that, and--" + +"Pardon me," interrupts the girl, with her million-dollar smile. "What +is this contract regarding the steel?" + +Alex tells her the whole dope from start to finish, and when he gets +through the girl turns to Jared and says the followin': + +"Well, dear, I suppose this horrid old business could wait, but just +run up and land that contract for a--a--wedding gift for me! It +shouldn't take you very long. I'll wait here for you." + +Oh, boy!!! Talkin' about "just runnin' up and landin'" a +million-dollar contract like she was sendin' him for stamps or the like! + +"All right, honey," says Jared; "I'll be down in five minutes!" + +They was _fifteen_ minutes partin'. + +Alex and Jared and I got in the elevator, and on the way up Jared +talked about nothin' else but his comin' marriage. When Alex tried to +butt in and ask regardin' the estimate for this steel job, Jared gets +peevish and says that will be a cinch and is practically over with; but +what's worryin' him is the best place to go for a honeymoon! + +We are met at the door of the room by a little bald-headed guy, and +Jared introduces himself. The little guy looks at us and says he +presumes we are Jared's associates--whatever that is. Before Jared can +deny the charge, Alex presents him with a kick on the shins and says we +are all of that. + +Inside, they is a long table and four more guys sittin' at it. They +all look like Wall Street and large money, and the table is covered +with papers. Jared sits down and begins hummin' "Here Comes the +Bride," and we sit down beside him. One guy gets up and says they have +talked with five big contractors already, and they ain't made up their +mind which bid to accept. If Jared can show them somethin' better than +they've seen, the order is all his. Jared pulls out his watch and gets +up. + +"Gentlemen," he says, "I have an appointment with my future wife in +five minutes. I will be on time! I don't know what these other +fellows have offered to do for you, but I'll say this: We can erect +your plant for exactly $1,789,451.92. That's our lowest price, and if +we talked all day I couldn't take off a cent! My concern is known all +over the country for the sterling quality of workmanship and materials +it employs on every job, whether it's the erection of a lamp post or a +city--and we've done both! We will be pleased to list you among the +thousands of our satisfied patrons." + +With that he reaches for his hat and would of been out of the door, if +Alex hadn't held him back with a look. + +"But," says one guy, "your figures are more than ten thousand dollars +over your nearest competitor's. How about that?" + +Jared is starin' out the window. + +"I figure we can get a nice flat in the Bronx for about eighty a +month," he says, half to himself. "What do you pay?" he finishes, +turnin' to Alex. + +Alex says nothin', and the five guys look at each other kinda funny. + +"When could your firm begin work?" asks one of them. + +"Immediately!" says Jared. "I'm going to use your phone here for a +minute and telephone my future wife. She's downstairs waiting and will +be worried sick--I said I'd be right back!" He walks across the room, +while them guys all stare after him like they're in a trance +themselves. "Still," mutters Jared, "she mightn't like to live in the +Bronx at that!" + +While he's on the phone, the five guys puts their heads together and +has a whispered conference. By the time he's finished, so are they. + +"Mr. Rushton," says the little guy, gettin' up and clearin' his throat, +"we have decided to give you the contract. Your methods of +salesmanship are somewhat unusual--but they may be due to your extreme +confidence, which anybody can see is the right kind of stuff in that +line and--" + +The little guy goes on with a lot of talk about figures, to which Alex +and me listens respectfully and Jared don't listen at all. And fin'ly +the little guy says again that they're gonna give Jared the contract, +and mebbe, if his future wife is waiting-- + +"Thanks!" says Jared. "She _is_ waiting and--" + +"Shall we draw up the contract now?" butts in Alex. "They's a notary +on this floor." + +In half a hour we are down in the lobby again, havin' had to hold Jared +by main force long enough to sign this thing. The first guy we bump +into is his boss! + +"Where have _you_ been?" he hollers at Jared. "I suppose you've +botched everything all up. I'll be the laughing stock of New York! +Where are those figures for that steel contract?" + +Jared looks at him for a minute like, Who is this person? Then he +reaches into his pocket and pulls out the contract. + +"Here's your old contract!" he says. "I'm going to take a month off. +I'm going to get married. When I come back I want seventy-five dollars +a week to start and a job as head of the contract department. And, +also--don't never yell at me like that again." + +I thought his boss would die of apoplexy then and there. He stares at +Jared, snatches the contract, reads a few lines--and then I got the +idea he was gonna kiss all of us! + +"My boy, you're a wonder!" he says. "I always knew you had the stuff +in you! I'll discuss--the--er--the matter of your salary when you come +back." + +"We'll finish it right now!" butts in Jared. "I don't want nothing +worrying me while I'm on my honeymoon. Do I get that or don't I?" + +"But," stammers the boss, "your commission on that contract alone will +run--" + +"Yes or no!" says Jared very cold. + +"Yes!" says the boss, with a sigh that could be heard in Harlem. "No +wonder you landed that contract if you went after them that way! I've +been asleep!" + +"No," says Jared, "I've been doing the dreaming." + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +ART IS WRONG + +Every time some guy goes over the top to notoriety and money in this +movie called life, they is some 5,678,954 also rans which wags their +heads from side to side and says, "Well--no wonder. He was born that +way and couldn't help himself!" Then, they go back to their dub jobs +and wish they was lucky. + +That stuff is all wrong! A guy may be born with different color hair +from the next guy, but he's never born with any secret of success that +the kid in the adjoinin' crib ain't got. All you need to be born with +in order to get the world familiar with your last name is the usual +number of arms, legs and etc. and a mad habitual yearnin' to make good +that a sudden hypodermic of success don't kill. Anything but failure +is possible to a hustler, and by a hustler I don't mean one of them +breezy birds which makes a lotta noise, thinks they is only one letter +in the alphabet and that's the one after "H," but the guy which takes +setbacks as encouragement and quits tryin' the day the undertaker is +called in. + +They's many a big artist whose ancestors thought paint was used for the +sides of barns only, they's many a famous actor whose father figured +Shakespeare was the name of a puddin', they's many a big league author +come from families which confined their readin' matter to the city +directory, and so it goes all along the line--Columbus's old man was a +cotton picker. You don't inherit success, you take it by force, usin' +your ambition, nerve and ability as the weapons. + +The above information was handed on to me by Alex. He says Broadway is +too narrow and Vermont moonlight had it lookin' dark at night and he +then proceeds to wed one of the prettiest girls that ever looked over +the Winter Garden footlights--she makes homemade bread now, too! The +first time he went to the Metropolitan Opera House he claims he'd like +grand opera if they wouldn't sing and when does the acrobats come out, +yet the next week he's able to take a apartment on Riverside Drive. +This here is just a few of the things Alex done to break up the dull +monotony of life in a burg where that and death is mere incidents. + +The wife and I is sittin' together in the parlor one night and she's +knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make me off her for life, +whilst I'm readin' aloud to her from the only novel in which true love +and the like don't win out in the end. It's called "Simpson's +Universal Educator" and the subject we are on is how wet is the +Pacific, or some such hot stuff as that. They is a ring at the bell +and the wife grabs the book outa my hand and slings about thirty +dollars' worth of wool over my arms. + +[Illustration: She's knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make +me off her for life.] + +"Sit up straight," she says, "and look interested in this! You're +helpin' me knit--get that? Look as if you like it and the minute the +door opens call me dear." + +"What's the idea?" I says, sittin' there with my arms out straight and +stiff before me like a doll or the like. "I don't get--" + +"Sssh!" she whispers. "That's probably Ruth Hopper and her husband. +She's trying to get him to quit playing pinochle all night and she +wants to show him what a ideal husband does." + +"A pinochle fiend, hey?" I says. "Well, lead him on! We got a little +game down at the corner and he'll just make up the set. It's gettin' +around time for me to leave anyways. I been in a half hour now and--" + +Well, at that moment our charmin' maid leads in no less than Alex and +his wife Eve. Speakin' of good lookers, this dame would make Morgan +forget about Wall Street, and she's wearin' a dress that must of put +some Fifth Avenue store over. But the wife begins bein' pleasant to +gaze upon and a delight to the naked eye where Eve leaves off. Why, +she's got a movie contract which she holds over my head every time I +stay out till ten o'clock and the like. Them two dames in the one room +is more than the average guy can stand and how they ever come to fall +for a coupla guys like me and Alex is a subject for bigger brains than +mine. They say women is peculiar, hey? Well, it's a good thing for +the average guy that they are! + +"Well!" remarks Eve, lookin' from me to the wife. "How perfectly +sweet! If you two only knew what a pretty picture you make!" + +[Illustration: "How perfectly sweet! If you two only knew what pretty +picture you make!"] + +"Yeh," I says, gettin' up and dumpin' the near sweater on the table. +"You'd almost think we wasn't married, hey?" + +"Speaking of pictures," says the wife, allowin' Alex to kiss her--a +thing I loathe, "let's all go down and see 'Wronged By Mistake.' They +tell me--" + +"Nothin' stirrin'," I butts in. "I wanna see Beryldine Nearer in 'The +Woman Which Lost.' She's some dame, believe me! If I was the leadin' +man in her pictures I'd work for nothin'." + +"Is that so?" says the wife, her voice as cold as Cape Nome. "Why +didn't you marry her then instead of me?" + +"She didn't ask me till it was too late," I says, grinnin' like a wolf. + +"Here, here!" says Alex. "How is it you people is always quarrelin' +every time I come here for a visit?" + +"We figure you'll get sore and beat it," I says. + +"Now, boys," says Eve, "let's forget we are all one family and be +friends. Why aren't you folks out celebratin' peace to-night?" + +"We wasn't invited," I says. "And I have bought my last ticket from a +speculator." + +"Invited?" says Eve, which always takes everything except Alex serious. +"Why, all New York seems to be on Broadway!" + +"That's what people from Chicago always thinks," I says. "But they's +more to the town than that." + +"Oh, hush that near comedy," says the wife. "C'mon, we're going to see +'Wronged By Mistake.'" + +"I'll see Beryldine Nearer," I says in a loud and angry voice, "or we +don't go nowhere!" + +We went to see "Wronged By Mistake." + +The movin' picture company which is responsible for this film claims it +cost them $100,000 to make the picture. Maybe it did, I don't know. +What I do know is that it cost me $1000 to see it! Why? Lend me your +ears, as the dumb guy said. + +The hero of this here picture was no less than Carrington De Vire. +This guy's name is familiar in burgs where they don't know if Wilson or +Washington is still president of the United States. His name is on +more collars than you ever seen and he gets more money a week than you +and me makes in six years, even if you cut his advertised salary in +half. He's prob'ly caused more girls to take their pens in hand than +any massage cream in the world and to say he is a handsome dog is like +remarkin' that the Grand Canyon is pleasant to look at. The only +magazine which ain't printed his photo at least once with a auto, a +country place and a coupla trick dogs at his side is the _Hardware +Trade Review_ and the _Steamfitters' Friend_. + +The minute Carrington De Vire appears on the screen and gives the +natives a treat by presentin' one and all with a pleasant smile, the +wife and Eve begins to rave about him out loud. He kisses the leadin' +woman and they let forth a sigh which would of made me jealous only I +got too much brains. The villain slams him, prob'ly because he got +sick of lookin' at the big fathead, and the women groans. He knocks +the villain kickin' and they applaud their hands off and when he fights +his way through a gang of supes which will lose their jobs if they +don't fall when he hits 'em, I thought most of the female part of the +audience would pass away with joy! + +"I think he's simply wonderful, don't you?" murmurs Eve to the wife. + +They is no argument about it. + +Alex give a snort. + +"If they's anything wonderful about that feller," he says, "then I'm +more astonishin' than wireless. Anybody can do that stuff! Why--" + +"Why, the idea!" butts in Eve. "I actually believe you're jealous. I +think Carrington De Vire is simply divine--marvelous!" + +"Wait till you see Niagara Falls," I says. + +"Both of them are jealous," says the wife. "I'm surprised at Alex +saying that any one could act as well as Carrington De Vire. Why, I +think he's got Faversham beaten a mile. You have to be born with +talent like that!" + +"I think the wife's right in one thing at last," I says. "I like them +male movie heroes and carbolic acid the same way, but you got to hand +it to this bird--he's _some_ actor! Yep, Alex, you can't learn that +stuff out of no book, you gotta be born with it." + +"You're all crazy!" announces Alex, with another snort. "I can go out +right now and dig up a dozen fellers which never seen a camera in their +life and they'll duplicate anything Carrington De Vire ever did on a +screen. Where does he get off to be wonderful? Some feller with +brains writes a play, another feller with money puts it on and then +another feller with technical knowledge tells De Vire, which ain't got +none of them things, where to stand and the like while he acts it. +Why--" + +"Ridiculous!" butts in Eve. "Carrington De Vire has extraordinary +talent. He has thousands of admirers all over the country. +Why--why--he's famous!" + +"Of course," says the wife. "It's too silly to talk about. Alex has +reached the stage now where he thinks he can do anything!" + +"Yeh?" says Alex. "Well, I reached the stage where I thought I could +do anything about three minutes after I was born! I'll bet right now I +can go down to the docks or some place and get a handsome stevedore and +make him as big a star as Carrington De Vire in six months!" + +"Don't be idiotic," laughs Eve. "Imagine a stevedore as a moving +picture star!" + +"Why not?" demands Alex, lookin' like the idea had made a hit with him. +"Ain't a stevedore as good as anybody else? I'll bet a thousand +dollars even that I can catch one or somebody like him and make him a +movie star. What d'ye say?" + +"I'll say this," I says. "We come here to see this picture and not to +hear you make a speech. This here's a theatre and not no race track +and forget about that bettin' thing. If you can make a movie star out +of a stevedore, I can make a watch outa a hard boiled egg!" + +They is some people behind us which can't see the picture on account of +us talkin' and they begin to hiss at us. It bothers Alex the same as +rain worries a duck. + +"Is they steam escapin' somewheres?" he remarks, turnin' his head. +"Why, brakemen have became railroad presidents," he goes on, +"bootblacks have became bankers, prize fighters have turned evangelists +and the United States has went dry. Why shouldn't a stevedore become a +movie star?" + +"We'll all become throwed outa here if you don't keep quiet!" I says. + +"Ssh, Alex," says the wife. "Don't get so excited about it. There's +no use attempting the impossible and--" + +"They ain't nothin impossible!" butts in Alex. "I'm willin' to prove +it. Why don't somebody bet me, hey?" + +"Why don't you hire Madison Square Garden for that speech?" hisses a +guy behind us. "Heavens, what a pest!" + +"Call the usher," puts in a dame with him. "Them people has did +nothin' but talk since they come in here!" + +"What d'ye want us to do--sing?" growls Alex. + +"Alex, be still!" whispers Eve. "I've missed the whole picture through +your talking. Now we'll have to stay and see it all over again." + +"Have a nice time," says Alex, gettin' up and grabbin' my arm. "We'll +wait outside for you. One dose a day of Carrington De Vire is all I +can take!" + +The bunch in back glares at us and says somethin' about what a crime it +is to let drunken men come into a theatre. + +Outside on the pavement, Alex lets forth a snort and whiffs the fresh +air like it was wine. + +"Think of my wife sittin' in there and worshippin' that big stiff," he +snarls. "And yours, too!" + +"We all have our faults," I says. "I knowed a guy once which was crazy +over fried parsnips." + +"They ain't nothin' to laugh at in this," he says, slappin' his hands +together. "I ain't a jealous man, but no movie hero is gonna be no god +to my wife!" + +"Why don't you go in the movies yourself, then?" I says. "They might +hire you for a picture with Carrington De Vire in it, and you can knock +him kickin' in five reels or the like." + +"Huh!" says Alex, "what do I care about the movies? I got a better +plan than that and it will accomplish the same purpose. I'll show Eve +and the rest of you how easy it is to be a movie hero--I'll make money +out of it, too!" he adds, with the old glitter in his eyes. + +"What are you gonna do?" I says. "Speak quick, I can't stand +excitement!" + +For answer he takes me into the hotel across the street and leads me +into the writin' room. He sits down and writes on a piece of paper for +a minute and then he hands it to me. + +"Cast your eyes over that," he says, "and if it's satisfactory--sign +it!" + +This is what I read, + +"I, Alex Hanley, agree to hire one handsome, tall and perfectly built +stevedore, longshoreman, truck driver or some one engaged in a equally +honest profession, one who has never appeared before a camera or upon +any stage and who has no knowledge of theatricals, and within six +months from date to make him a full fledged, acknowledged star of the +moving pictures. + +"In the event of said undertaking being successful, the undersigned +agrees to pay Alex Hanley one thousand dollars. In the event of +failure, Alex Hanley agrees to forfeit the same sum." + +I handed it back to him. + +"Listen!" I says. "Don't be a nut _all_ your life. You got as much +chance of--" + +"Did you ever see me fall down on anything?" he butts in, dippin' a pen +in the ink and handin' it to me. + +"Not even a banana peel," I admits. "But they is a limit to +everything--even the war's over. In the first place, even if you could +do this, it would cost you more than a thousand dollars and--" + +"Leave that to me," he says, pushin' over the pen. "And sign here!" + +"But--" I says. + +"Hurry up, the ink will be dry," he cuts me off. + +I give in. + +"Alex," I says. "This is a crime! If I ever win one bet in my life, +I'll win this one. You'll make a movie star outa a stevedore, hey? +Why--" + +"Want a thousand more?" he grins pleasantly. + +"No!" I hollers. "Let's go over and meet the girls." + + +The search for the future king of the movies begins merrily the next +day. I went with Alex to see that he didn't put nothin' over on me and +at the end of the week he had dug up three promisin' leads. They was a +plumber's helper which had a wonderful figure, but a scar on his cheek +showed up in a snapshot Alex took of him and he was laid aside with a +sigh. Then they was a waiter which was better lookin' than Mary +Pickford, but a trifle stoop-shouldered. The third guy was hustlin' +baggage at Grand Central Station and was a perfect Venus except for +some missin' teeth which queered him when he smiled and what's a movie +hero without a smile? + +Well, I'm havin' the time of my life kiddin' Alex, when one day as we +are walkin' along Third Avenue in search of his prey, he grabs me by +the arm, yells, "I got him!" and starts across the street on the run. +They is a big truck standin' there and a husky on the back of it is +engaged in coaxin' pig iron off of it on to the street. He stood about +six foot three without bein' shaved and weighed accordingly, all bone +and muscle not countin' his head. He turns around and--Oh, boy!!!! + +Say! I seen some good lookers in my time, male and female, but this +baby had it on 'em all! His hair is that black, wavy kind that the +cabaret hounds wish they had and he's got a skin like a week old baby. +He must of painted his teeth with enamel twice a day and he's there +with a pair of eyelashes that would make a chorus girl take carbolic. +On the level, he's so handsome he don't look real--and that with all +the signs of honest toil at the truck on him, too! Alex taps him on +the shoulder and he swings around. + +"What's yours?" he growls. + +"I have come to make your fortune," announces Alex with a grin. Then +he turns to me. "Ain't he a peach, hey?" he says. + +The big guy drops the pig iron and looks from Alex to me. + +"What kinda stuff is this?" he growls. "What d'ye mean I'm a peach?" + +"You are the luckiest man in New York," says Alex. "I have come to +make you famous and rich!" + +The big guy grins. + +"Listen!" he says. "They're awful tough on hop fiends in this burg now +and they'll be a copper along in a minute, so you better duck. I know +you guys is no less than J. P. Morgan and John D. Rockefeller, if not +more, and you'll gimme a million dollars in nickels if I'll tell you +where to get a layout. But I ain't got the time, I gotta get this +stuff off here and--" + +With that he turns around and goes to work again. + +"Drop that iron!" says Alex. "You'll never soil your hands with manual +labor again." + +"Hey!" snarls the big guy. "Git away, will you? I always feel sorry +for you dope fiends, but if you guys don't lay off me, I'll bounce the +two of you. Now, beat it!" + +"Well," I says to Alex, "he's ignorant anyways. We got that part all +settled and--" + +"Look here!" says Alex, darin'ly grabbin' the big guy by the arm. +"We're neither dope fiends nor maniacs. I want to ask you a few +questions and, if your answers suit me, I'll hire you for a hundred +dollars a week to do special work for me. To show you I'm not foolin', +take this for your trouble whether we do business or not." + +With that he hands him a twenty dollar bill. + +"Aha!" yells the big guy. "Coupla counterfeiters, hey?" He snatches +the bill and grabs Alex. "So you guys want me to pass this for you--I +got it!" He starts to drag Alex along the pavement and half Third +Avenue stops to watch it. "I'll git a reward for this!" I heard him +mutter. + +Alex throws him off--he's stronger than he looks. + +"You better not take that head of yours into no pool room," he snarls, +"or somebody'll get two billiard balls and play with it for a set. +Take your hands off me and listen. That bill is as good as the inside +of a church. C'mon into this store and I'll prove it!" + +They's somethin' about Alex that makes this guy hesitate, and Alex +pulls him into a cigar store, whilst I shoo away the disappointed crowd +which looked for manslaughter at least. + +In a minute they come out. The big guy has twenty single bills in his +hand and a dazed look on his face. Alex is grinnin'. + +"Now are you satisfied?" says Alex. + +The big guy shoves the dough in his overalls. + +"The sugar seems O.K.," he says. "Say! I gotta work a week for that +much dough, so I might as well give you five minutes of my time. +What's the idea, hey?" + +"Now, Delancey Calhoun," says Alex, "how would you--" + +"Wait a minute!" grins the other guy. "I knowed they was a ball up +somewheres. Where d'ye get that Calhoun stuff? My name's Tim O'Toole." + +"Not no more!" says Alex, returnin' the grin. "From now on it's +Delancey Calhoun--get that?" + +"A nut is a funny thing," says O'Toole, pressin' the dough in his +pocket. "But--sure, I'm Delancey Calhoun! That's a swell name at +that--it sounds like a Lenox Avenue apartment house. What d'ye want me +to do, outside of that?" + +"How would you like to be a actor?" says Alex. + +"Nothin' doin'!" says Delancey. "I got a steady job and I'm too fond +of eatin'." + +"Don't be a fool!" says Alex. "That stuff about actors not eatin' +regular is a thing of the past. These days a actor makes more money +than a banker. Did you ever appear on the stage anywheres in your +life?" + +"I did not!" snarls Delancey. "And I can lick the guy which claims I +did!" + +"Fine!" says Alex, lookin' at me. "Now of course you've seen movin' +pictures, hey?" + +"Sure!" says Delancey. "What d'ye think I am--ig'rant?" + +"Not at all," says Alex. "Do you think if you had a chance and was +well paid for it, you could do the things them heroes does in the +movies?" + +Delancey Calhoun, nee Tim O'Toole, throws out his chest from here to +South Dakota. + +"Do I _think_ so?" he says. "Why, say, pal--that stuff would be soft +for me! I ain't no second Mary Pickford or the like and Chaplin might +grab off more laughs to the reel than me, but when it come to this here +cowboy and full dress stuff--Oh, lady!!!" + +"You're hired!" hollers Alex, slappin' him on the back. "Startin' +right now your salary is a hundred a week. Drive that truck back to +where it belongs and throw up your job." + +"A hundred a week, hey?" says Delancey, rollin' his eyes. "Oh, lady!! +In a month I'll have Carnegie gnashin' his teeth!" He breaks off and +swings around on Alex. "Look here!" he says, "I been drivin' this +truck for two years. I got a good steady job from eight in the mornin' +till ten at night, and I get twenty berries a week for it. I don't +know nothin' about this nut job of yours, but if I don't get my hundred +every week--well, they's gonna be a funeral with you bein' featured in +it, get that?" + +"That's all right," says Alex. "I'll deposit your first six months' +salary in the bank for you--how's that?" + +"What could be sweeter?" says Delancey. "They's just one other thing." + +"Speak up!" says Alex. + +"As long as I'm gonna be a movie actor," says Delancey, "do I get a +dress suit to wear?" + +"Sure!" says Alex. "Why?" + +"Well," grins Delancey, "I never had one of them open faced suits on in +me life and in fact I was savin' up to get one now. I'm simply nutty +to put on one of them layouts and knock the innocent onlookers silly. +If you hit a tough week, I might take ninety-five bucks and let the +rest go over a few days, but I gotta have the dress suit and that goes!" + +"It's yours," says Alex, diggin' me in the ribs. + +"All right," says Delancey, "I'll go down now and make the boss faint +by quittin'. I'll meet you anywheres you says to-morrow." + +"You will not," says Alex. "I'll ride right down on that truck with +you now!" + + +About two weeks later, Alex comes up to the flat and tells me to put on +my hat and cane. He says he's gonna take me over to the studio and +show me Delancey Calhoun's first picture. + +"So you're really goin' through with it, hey?" I says. "What company +did you get him landed with?" + +"The Par-Excellence Feature Film Company," he says. + +"I never heard tell of it," I says. "Who's in back of it?" + +"A young feller by the name of Alex Hanley!" he comes back, grinnin'. + +"What?" I hollers. "D'ye mean to say you started a movie foundry to +put this guy over?" + +"I'll leave it to you," he tells me, "when we get to the studio. Let's +go!" + +On the way over he shows me a lot of the advertisin' copy with which +he's gonna introduce Delancy Calhoun to the waitin' world. I must say +it was hot stuff! It claims that Delancey Calhoun is the sole heir to +the $20,000,000 left by the late Artemus Calhoun which died twenty +years ago. The will was given to his lawyers, Sandringham, Bellew and +Fitch, with instructions not to open it for twenty years. When it was +opened, it was found that them twenty millions was left to his only +nephew, Delancey. Alex has opened a law office downtown under the name +of Sandringham, Bellew and Fitch, so's to take care of the reporters +and other guys of a inquisitive nature. Then comes the kick. + +Delancey, a handsome and accomplished young giant, is tired of the +"sham and deceit" of his own "exalted social set" and it's his ambition +to wed a girl of the common people and let her enjoy some of the +millions his hard-fisted uncle wrung from their toil. He also has +another aim in life and that is to accomplish a sweepin' reform of the +movie game. He's always been a great fan himself, but he's sick of the +impossible plays which has been foisted on a innocent and nickel +spendin' public. Therefore, he has organized his own movie company, +will produce his own pictures from real life stories of the eternal +struggle, and last but not least, he'll appear personally in them +himself, to gratify a whim he's had since he first looked over the side +of a cradle. He thinks the average movie hero is sickenin', and he +wants to show the world how a real hero would act. He will appear in +twelve pictures only. Each will be a episode in the greatest mystery +story ever written entitled, "What was Hector's Choice?" Every single +female in the country is invited to see this picture and send in their +solution of the mystery. _The one that comes nearest to the correct +answer will become the bride of Delancy Calhoun and his twenty million +bucks_. + +Oh, boy!!! + +"Alex," I says, "I'll tell the world this is great stuff! It must be +gonna cost you a bunch of money. Where do you get off?" + +"Your head and glue is the two thickest things I ever seen," he says. +"Where do I get mine, hey? I get it from the sale of the pictures this +bird makes. In a coupla months they'll be riots in theatres all over +the country to see this guy in the movies!" + +"Maybe," I says. "But how are you gonna pull 'em in? Right off the +bat he's gotta compete with Chaplin, Mary Pickford and the like." + +"I didn't wanna spring my ace so soon on you," he says, "but I guess I +got to. How am I gonna pull 'em in? This way--_single women will be +admitted free at every theatre where this picture is shown_!" + +Wheee!!!! + +"You're there, Alex!" I admits. "But suppose the men and married women +stays away?" + +"Stays away?" he says. "They'll break their way in! The married women +will wanna see Delancey and get a idea of what they missed, and the men +will wanna see what this big fathead looks like, if only to kid him." + +"What kind of a actor is he?" I says. + +"Wait till you see him," says Alex. "He's got the studio standin' on +its ear! He thinks he's the greatest actor the world ever seen and +everybody else from the director to the camera men is dubs. He refuses +to fake any of the fight scenes and I gotta pay supers ten bucks a day +to take his wallops. The first time he had a love scene with the +leadin' lady he thought it was on the level and went out and got a +marriage license. He argued two hours in favor of real bullets for the +duel he fights with the villain and refused to play a scene supposed to +be in Alaska because the studio's in Jersey. He claims the guy which +wrote the scenario escaped from a lunatic asylum and he plays the +second two reels his own way. I've had three different casts work with +him because he gets them all sore by his kiddin' them about art. He +takes everything in dead earnest and tried to beat up the villain on +the street twice because he's supposed to hate him in the picture. +But--this first episode is _some_ film!!!" + +I seen the picture in the private projectin' room and Alex told the +truth when he called it "_some_ film." In fact that there would of +been as good a title for the whole picture as the one they had. They +was more adventures happened to Delancey Calhoun in them five reels +than Robinson Crusoe, Columbus, Kit Carson and Davy Crockett had in +their combined lives! He was a heart-breaker one second and a +head-breaker the next. He had insisted to Alex that one villain wasn't +enough for him to foil, so they had about a dozen and he trimmed 'em +all. They was also several heroines for him to save and clasp on his +manly bosom, which same he did in evenin' clothes only. It was nothin' +for him to save a maiden in distress from a sinkin' ship and the next +second appear in a lifeboat with a dress suit on, rowin' for shore. No +matter if the scene was mornin' or night, Alaska or the Sahara Desert, +Delancey was there in his little dress suit. He would of parted with +that and his left eye with the same willingness. + +Apart from the film itself, which might of been good or might of been +bad, but certainly was excitin' for your life, Delancey was a riot! He +was the handsomest thing I ever seen on a screen and I don't blame all +the dames in the studio for fallin' for him. In that treasured dress +suit of his which cost Alex as much as a limousine, they ain't no woman +on earth that wouldn't get a thrill when she looked at him, provided he +didn't start no conversation. He looked class--that's all they is to +it! + +When we come out from seein' the picture, Delancey is walkin' around +the studio, still with the dress suit on. He's tellin' one of the best +directors in the country how to properly produce a movie and said +director is takin' it hard. He breaks off when he sees us. + +"Hello!" he says. "Well, what d'ye think of me? I'm a knockout, hey?" + +"Easily that," I admits, shakin' his hand. "How d'ye like bein' a +actor?" + +"Rotten!" he says. "This stuff is the bunk and them actors gimme a +pain. I think they're all nutty. How they get money for this hop is +past me! All I do all day is pretend I'm this and pretend I'm that and +the foreman of this layout keeps yellin', 'Register fear!' and stuff +like that at me. I don't know why this friend of yours is givin' me +money for this, but I bet they's a catch to it somewheres!" + +"Isn't he simply delicious?" says the leadin' woman, with a fond glance +at Delancey. + +"Delicious, hey?" he snorts. "What d'ye think I am--a pie?" + +They is a vampire there and she turns up her nose. + +"I think he's impossible!" she says. "He hasn't the slightest +conception of art." + +"Lemme alone!" growls Delancey. "I'm as good a actor as you guys is, +if not better. Where d'ye get that art stuff?" + +"Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked all your life to +acquire ignorance, for no one was ever _born_ as stupid as you! All +you have is your looks." + +[Illustration: "Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked a +your life to acquire ignorance, for no one was ever _born_ as stupid as +you!"] + +"Yeh," snarls Delancey. "And all Rockefeller's got is a billion!" + +At this point Alex stepped in and prevented bloodshed. + +Well, Delancey is as big a success as a movie star as Boston is as a +town, and within a month he's swept the country like a new dance. That +stuff about him bein' a millionaire and willin' to marry the girl which +guesses the answer to the mystery in "What Was Hector's Choice?" caught +on with the ladies like cold cream and his handsome map did the rest. +His picture is plastered all over the country and kids which barely +knowed their A, B, C's, is familiar with his name. His mail arrives +daily in freight cars and Alex had four guys workin' on nothin' but +autographin' his photos for "A Admirer" and "Your Unknown Friend." +Alex got a quarter the each for said photos to cover the "wrapping and +mailing charges" and made a nice little profit on the side. + +With all this success, though, Delancey Calhoun kept his head. He +never appeared at no banquets, addressed meetin's on "The Future of the +Motion Picture Industry," or as much as glanced at the daily slew of +mail. When the dames around the studio cast languishin' glances at his +handsome form, he glared at 'em like a infuriated turtle. If one of +'em remarked that it was a nice day by way of startin' a slight +flirtation, Delancey would answer that he couldn't help it, and walk +away. He never spent a nickel foolishly or at all, and when the auto +agents swooped down on him, he borrowed cigars from them and beat it. + +[Illustration: When the dames cast languishing glances at his handsome +form, he glared at them like an infuriated turtle.] + +The most astonishin' thing, though, was the way he acted about the +movies durin' his career as a star. He never stopped claimin' that the +whole thing was the bunk and that it was idiotic for a grown person to +put on a wig and take off the old banker or the like, when they was +only a fifty buck a week actor. He insisted that anything as silly as +the movies was could never last and they was more real money in the +truckin' business for a man that knew the game as he did and had plenty +of wagons. When Alex argues with him and says that many of the big +stars makes fifty thousand a year, he tells Alex to stop usin' opium +because it'll get him in the end. + +At the end of three months, Delancey has made Alex pay him a percentage +of the receipts and a salary of a thousand a week, but his opinion of +the movie business is unchanged. He explains the fact that he's makin' +plenty of money out of it by sayin' that Alex must be takin' it out of +his own pocket and is simply makin' pictures to cover up his real game, +which is prob'ly safe crackin'. Alex throws up his hands and lets him +be after that one. + +Fin'ly the last picture is made and Alex gives out the information to a +expectant world that a girl in Brisbane, Australia, has won the +guessin' contest and Delancey Calhoun's hand, and the famous star will +sail immediately to wed her. The newspapers all prints pictures of 'em +both, Alex gettin' the lucky dame's by photographin' his stenographer. +A couple of papers didn't get neither and runs pictures of Brisbane, +Australia, so's to be on the job anyways. Then Alex collects the +thousand bucks I bet him that he couldn't make a movie star outa a +truck driver and prepares to break the news to his wife and mine that +he has done the same. He figures this will kill forever their wild +infatuation for Carrington De Vire, the idol of the screen. + +At that point, Delancey Calhoun walks into the office. + +"Ah, Delancey," says Alex, "I was just gonna send for you. Now that +our original contract has expired, let me congratulate you. You done +great and far better than even I expected. You're famous the world +over and must have a good sized bankroll if you've stayed in at nights +and kept away from race tracks and the like. I only intended this as a +experiment, but it has gone over so big that I want you to sit down +here and sign a contract for five years at the biggest salary you ever +heard of. We'll make the greatest pictures the world--" + +"Wait a minute!" butts in Delancey. "Don't rave no more. My name is +Tim O'Toole again and not Delancey, which sounds like a collar. I'm +sick and tired of movin' pictures and that big salary stuff is as much +bunk as the rest of it. I ain't goin' around rescuin' nutty dames, +beatin' up supes which is supposed to be the desperate smugglers and +divin' off bridges no more! I'm goin' to make a honest livin' and I've +bought out the truckin' business I was workin' for when you come along +and made a movie star and a simp outa me. I'll be takin' in money +there long after the movies is gone and all the pictures I'll ever move +from now on will be loaded on one of my wagons. Fare-thee-well, and I +hope they's no hard feelings. If they is, I ain't gonna sob out loud +over it!" + +For a minute Alex was speechless. Then he comes to and works a hour +tryin' to get the ex-Delancey Calhoun to change his mind. They was +nothin' doin'. In fact, Delancey walked out and left us flat in the +middle of Alex's wail. + +Well, anyways, Alex still had one satisfaction left and that was to +prove to Eve and the wife that he had put over a truck driver as a +movie star. He done it after dinner that night and if he caused any +sensation, I failed to see it with the naked eye. + +"Well," says Eve, "that proves my argument." + +"Proves _your_ argument?" hollers Alex. "Didn't you claim movie stars +was born, and didn't I take a truck driver and make him famous at it?" + +"Yes," says Eve. "And then he went back to the trucking business, +because he wasn't born an artist and the whole thing seemed silly to +him. He couldn't stand the make-believe any longer, because he had no +imagination, no art--nothing but the stupid ability to make money!" + +Alex sinks down in a chair and throws up his hands. + +"Can you beat a woman?" he asks me. + +"Not in this state," I says. "It's against the law." + +"Come!" says Eve. "You boys are just in time. Carrington De Vire is +down at the Palace in 'The Arctic Sunflower.' I'm crazy to see it. I +think he's wonderful!" + + + + +THE END + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Alex the Great, by H. C. 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