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diff --git a/29618.txt b/29618.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..abe5c09 --- /dev/null +++ b/29618.txt @@ -0,0 +1,778 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Aggravation of Elmer, by Robert Andrew Arthur + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Aggravation of Elmer + +Author: Robert Andrew Arthur + +Illustrator: Cavat + +Release Date: August 5, 2009 [EBook #29618] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AGGRAVATION OF ELMER *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +The Aggravation of Elmer + +By ROBERT ARTHUR + + + _The world would beat a path to + Elmer's door--but he had to go + carry the door along with him!_ + + +It was the darnedest traffic jam I'd ever seen in White Plains. For two +blocks ahead of me, Main Street was gutter to gutter with stalled cars, +trucks and buses. + +If I hadn't been in such a hurry to get back to the shop, I might have +paid more attention. I might have noticed nobody was leaning on his +horn. Or that at least a quarter of the drivers were out peering under +their hoods. + +But at the time it didn't register. I gave the tie-up a passing glance +and was turning up the side street toward Biltom Electronics--Bill-Tom, +get it?--when I saw Marge threading her way to the curb. She was leading +a small blonde girl of about eight, who clutched a child-size hatbox in +her hand. Marge was hot and exasperated, but small fry was as cool and +composed as a vanilla cone. + +I waited. Even flushed and disheveled, Marge is a treat to look at. She +is tall and slender, with brown eyes that match her hair, a smile that +first crinkles around her eyes, then sneaks down and becomes a +full-fledged grin-- + +But I'm getting off the subject. + +"Honestly, Bill!" Marge said as she saw me. "The traffic nowadays! We've +been tied up for fifteen minutes. I finally decided to get off the bus +and walk, even though it is about a hundred in the shade." + +"Come along to the shop," I suggested. "The reception room is +air-conditioned and you can watch the world's first baseball game +telecast in color. The Giants versus the Dodgers, Carl Erskine +pitching." + +Marge brightened. "That'll be more fun than shopping, won't it, Doreen?" +she asked, looking down at the kid. "Bill, this is Doreen. She lives +across the street from me. Her mother's at the dentist and I said I'd +look after her for the day." + +"Hello, Doreen," I said. "What have you in the hatbox? Doll clothes?" + +Doreen gave me a look of faint disgust. "No," she piped, in a high +treble. "An unhappy genii." + +"An unhappy--" I did a double take. "Oh, an unhappy genii? Maybe he's +unhappy because you won't let him out, ha ha." Even to myself, I sounded +idiotic. + +Doreen looked at me pityingly. "It's not a he, it's a thing. Elmer made +it." + +I knew when I was losing, so I quit. + + * * * * * + +I hurried Marge and Doreen along toward our little two-story building. +Once we got into the air-conditioned reception room, Marge sank down +gratefully onto the settee and I switched on the television set with the +big 24-inch tube Tom had built. + +Biltom Electronics makes TV components, computer parts, things like +that. Tom Kennedy is the brains. Me, Bill Rawlins, I do the legwork, and +tend to the business details. + +"It's uncanny the way all those cars suddenly stopped when our bus broke +down," Marge said as we waited for the picture to come on. "Any day now +this civilization of ours will get so complicated a bus breaking down +someplace will bring the whole thing to a halt. Then where will we be?" + +"Elmer says silly-zation is doomed!" Doreen put in happily. + +The way she rolled the word out made me stare at her. + +Marge only nodded. "That's what Elmer says, all right," she agreed, a +trifle grim. + +"Why does Elmer say silly-zation is doomed?" I asked Doreen. + +"Because it's getting hotter." The kid gave it to me straight. "All the +ice at the North Pole is gonna melt. The ocean is gonna rise two hundred +feet. Then everybody who doesn't live on a hill is gonna be drownded. +That's what Elmer says and Elmer isn't ever wrong." + +[Illustration: Illustrated by CAVAT] + +Doreen they called her! Why not Cassandra? The stuff kids spout these +days! + +I gave her a foolish grin. I wanted Marge to get the idea I was really a +family man at heart. "That's very interesting, Doreen. Now look, there's +the baseball game. Let's watch, shall we?" + +We weren't very late after all. It was the top half of the second +inning, the score one to one, Erskine in trouble with two men on and +only one down. The colors were beautiful. Marge and I were just settling +back to watch when Doreen wrinkled her nose. + +"I saw that game yesterday!" she announced. + +"You couldn't have, sweetheart," I told her. "Because it's only being +played today. The world's first ball game ever broadcast in color." + +"There was a game on Elmer's TV," Doreen insisted. "The picture was +bigger and the colors prettier, too." + +"Absolutely impossible." I was a little sore. I hate kids who tell fibs. +"There never was a game broadcast in color before. And, anyway, you +won't find a color tube this big any place outside of a laboratory." + +"But it's true, Bill." Marge looked at me, wide-eyed. "Elmer only has a +little seven-inch black and white set his uncle gave him. But he's +rigged up some kind of lens in front of it, and it projects a big color +picture on a white screen." + +I saw that she was serious. My eyes bugged slightly. "Listen," I said, +"who is this Elmer character? I want to meet him!" + +"He's my cousin from South America," Doreen answered. "He thinks +grownups are stupid." She turned to Marge. "I have to go to the +bathroom," she said primly. + +"Through that door." Marge pointed. + +Doreen trotted out, clutching her hat box. + + * * * * * + +"Elmer thinks grownups are stupid?" I howled. "Listen, how old is this +character who says silly-zation is doomed and can convert a black and +white broadcast into color?" + +"He's thirteen," Marge told me. I goggled at her. "Thirteen," she +repeated. "His father is some South American scientist. His mother died +ten years ago." + +I sat down beside her. I lit a cigarette. My hands were shaking. "Tell +me about him. _All_ about him." + +"Why, I don't know very much," Marge said. "Last year Elmer was sick, +some tropic disease. His father sent him up here to recuperate. Now +Alice--that's his aunt, Doreen's mother--is at her wits' end, he makes +her so nervous." + +I lit another cigarette before I realized I already had one. "And he +invents things? A boy genius? Young Tom Edison and all that?" + +Marge frowned. "I suppose you could say that," she conceded. "He has the +garage full of stuff he's made or bought with the allowance his father +sends him. And if you come within ten feet of it without permission, you +get an electric shock right out of thin air. But that's only part of it. +It--" she gave a helpless gesture--"it's Elmer's effect on everybody. +Everybody over fifteen, that is. He sits there, a little, dark, +squinched-up kid wearing thick glasses and talking about how climatic +changes inside fifty years will flood half the world, cause the collapse +of civilization--" + +"Wait a minute!" I cut in. "Scientists seem to think that's possible in +a few thousand years. Not fifty." + +"Elmer says fifty," Marge stated flatly. "From the way he talks, I +suspect he's figured out a way to speed things up and is going to try it +some day just to see if it works. Meanwhile he fools around out there in +the garage, sneering about the billions of dollars spent to develop +color TV. He says his lens will turn any ordinary broadcast into color +for about twenty-five dollars. He says it's typical of the muddled +thinking of our so-called scientists--I'm quoting now--to do everything +backward and overlook fundamental principles." + +"Bro-ther!" I said. + +Doreen came trotting back in then, with her hat box. "I'm tired of that +game," she said, giving the TV set a bored glance. And as she said it +the tube went dark. The sound cut off. + +"Damn!" I swore. "Must be a power failure!" I grabbed the phone and +jiggled the hook. No dice. The phone was dead, too. + +"You're funny," Doreen giggled. "It's just the unhappy genii. See?" + +She flicked over the catch on the hatbox. + +And the picture came back on. The sound started up. "--swings and misses +for strike two!" The air conditioner began to hum. + +Marge and I stared. Mouths open. Wide. + + * * * * * + +"You did that, Doreen?" I asked it very carefully. "You made the +television stop and start again?" + +"The unhappy genii did," Doreen told me. "Like this." She flicked the +catch back. The TV picture blacked out. The sound stopped in the middle +of a word. The air conditioner whispered into silence. + +Then she flipped the catch the other way. + +"--fouls the second ball into the screen," the announcer said. Picture +okay. Air conditioner operating. Everything normal except my pulse and +respiration. + +"Doreen, sweetheart--" I took a step toward her--"what's in that box? +What _is_ an unhappy genii?" + +"Not unhappy." You know how scornful an eight-year-old can be? Well, she +was. "Unhap-_pen_. It makes things unhappen. Anything that works by +electracity, it stops. Elmer calls it his unhappen genii. Just for fun." + +"Oh, now I get it," I said brightly. "It makes electricity not +work--unhappen. Like television sets and air conditioners and +automobiles and bus engines." + +Doreen giggled. + +Marge sat bolt upright. "Doreen! _You_ caused that traffic jam? You and +that--that gadget of Elmer's?" + +Doreen nodded. "It made all the automobile engines stop, just like Elmer +said. Elmer's never wrong." + +Marge looked at me. I looked at Marge. + +"A field of some kind," I said. "A field that prevents an electric +current from flowing. Meaning no combustion motor using an electric +spark can operate. No electric motors. No telephones. No radio or TV." + +"Is that important?" Marge asked. + +"Important?" I yelled. "Think of the possibilities just as a weapon! You +could blank out a whole nation's transportation, its communications, its +industry--" + +I got hold of myself. I smiled my best I-love-children smile. "Doreen," +I said, "let me look at Elmer's unhappen genii." + +The kid clutched the box. + +"Elmer told me not to let anybody look at it. He said he'd statuefy me +if I did. He said nobody would understand it anyway. He said he might +show it to Mr. Einstein, but not anybody else." + +"That's Elmer, all right," Marge muttered. + +I found myself breathing hard. I edged toward Doreen and put my hand on +the hatbox. "Just one quick look, Doreen," I said. "No one will ever +know." + +She didn't answer. Just pulled the box away. + +I pulled it back. + +She pulled. + +I pulled. + +"Bill--" Marge called warningly. Too late. The lid of the hatbox came +off in my hands. + + * * * * * + +There was a bright flash, the smell of insulation burning, and the +unhappen genii fell out and scattered all over the floor. + +Doreen looked smug. "Now Elmer will be angry at you. Maybe he'll +disintegrate you. Or paralalize you and statuefy you. Forever." + +"He might at that, Bill," Marge shuddered. "I wouldn't put anything past +him." + +I wasn't listening. I was scrambling after the mess of tubes, condensers +and power packs scattered over the rug. Some of them were still wired +together, but most of them had broken loose. Elmer was certainly one +heck of a sloppy workman. Hadn't even soldered the connections. Just +twisted the wires together. + +I looked at the stuff in my hands. It made as much sense as a radio run +over by a truck. + +"We'll take it back to Elmer," I told Doreen, speaking very carefully. +"I'll give him lots of money to build another. He can come down here and +use our shop. We have lots of nice equipment he'd like." + +Doreen tossed her head. "I don't think he'll wanta. He'll be mad at you. +Anyway, Elmer is busy working on aggravation now." + +"That's for sure!" Marge said in heartfelt tones. + +"Aggravation, eh?" I grinned like an idiot. "Well, well! I'll bet he's +good at it. But let's go see him right away." + +"Bill!" Marge signaled me to one side. "Maybe you'd better not try to +see Elmer," she whispered. "I mean, if he can build a thing like this in +his garage, maybe he _can_ build a disintegrator or a paralysis ray or +something. There's no use taking chances." + +"You read too many comics," I laughed it off. "He's only a kid, isn't +he? What do you think he is? A superman?" + +"Yes," Marge said flatly. + +"Look, Marge!" I said in feverish excitement. "I've got to talk to +Elmer! I've got to get the rights to that TV color lens and this +electricity interruptor and anything else he may have developed!" + +Marge kept trying to protest, but I simply grabbed her and Doreen and +hustled them out to my car. Doreen lived in a wooded, hilly section a +little north of White Plains. I made it in ten minutes. + + * * * * * + +Marge had said Elmer worked in the garage. I kept going up the driveway, +swung sharp around the big house--and slammed on the brakes. + +Marge screamed. + +We skidded to a stop with our front end hanging over what looked like a +bomb crater in the middle of the driveway. + +I swallowed my heart down again, while I backed away fast. + +We had almost plunged into a hole forty feet across and twenty feet deep +in the middle. The hole was perfectly round, like a half section of a +grapefruit. + +"What's this?" I asked. "Where's the garage?" + +"That's where the garage should be." Marge looked dazed. "But it's +gone!" + +I took another look at that hole scooped out with geometrical precision, +and turned to Doreen. "What did you say Elmer was working on?" + +"Agg--" she sobbed, "agg--agg--aggravation." She began to bawl in +earnest. "Now he's gone. He's mad. He won't ever come back, I betcha." + +"That's a fact," I muttered. "He may not have been mad, but he certainly +was aggravated. Marge, listen! This is a mystery. We've just got to let +it stay a mystery. We don't know anything, understand? The cops will +finally decide Elmer blew himself up, and we'll leave it at that. One +thing I'm pretty sure about--he's not coming back." + + * * * * * + +So that's how it was. Tom Kennedy keeps trying and trying to put Elmer's +unhappen genii back together again. And every time he fails he takes it +out on me because I didn't get to Elmer sooner. But you can see +perfectly well he's way off base, trying to make out I could have done a +thing to prevent what happened. + +Is it my fault if the dumb kid didn't know enough to take the proper +precautions when he decided to develop anti-gravitation--and got shot +off, garage and all, someplace into outer space? + +What do they teach kids nowadays, anyway? + + --ROBERT ARTHUR + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + This etext was produced from _Galaxy Science Fiction_ May 1955. + Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. + copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and + typographical errors have been corrected without note. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Aggravation of Elmer, by Robert Andrew Arthur + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AGGRAVATION OF ELMER *** + +***** This file should be named 29618.txt or 29618.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/6/1/29618/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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