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diff --git a/29618-h/29618-h.htm b/29618-h/29618-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b6f812 --- /dev/null +++ b/29618-h/29618-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1065 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Aggravation of Elmer, by Robert Arthur + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + + p {margin-top: .75em; text-align: justify; margin-bottom: .75em;} + h1 {text-align: center;} + h2 {text-align: left; margin-left: 50%;} + hr {width: 65%; margin: 2em auto; visibility: hidden;} + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .rgt,.figr {text-align: right;} + .figr {float: right; clear: right; margin: 1em 0 1em 1em; padding: 0; width: 277px;} + img {border: none;} + a:link,a:visited {text-decoration: none;} + p.cap:first-letter {float: left; margin-right: .05em; padding-top: .05em; font-size: 300%; line-height: .8em; width: auto;} + .dcap {text-transform: uppercase;} + .bk1 {margin: 2em auto 4em; width: 18em;} + .figt {float: left; clear: left; margin: 15px; padding: 0; width: 152px;} + .trn {border: solid 1px; margin: 3em 15%; min-height: 230px;} + .trn p {margin: 15px;} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's The Aggravation of Elmer, by Robert Andrew Arthur + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Aggravation of Elmer + +Author: Robert Andrew Arthur + +Illustrator: Cavat + +Release Date: August 5, 2009 [EBook #29618] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AGGRAVATION OF ELMER *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1><big>The Aggravation of Elmer</big></h1> + +<h2>By ROBERT ARTHUR</h2> + +<div class="bk1"><p><i><big><b>The world would beat a path to +Elmer's door—but he had to go +carry the door along with him!</b></big></i></p></div> + +<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">It was</span> the darnedest traffic +jam I'd ever seen in White +Plains. For two blocks ahead +of me, Main Street was gutter to +gutter with stalled cars, trucks +and buses.</p> + +<p>If I hadn't been in such a hurry +to get back to the shop, I might +have paid more attention. I might +have noticed nobody was leaning +on his horn. Or that at least a +quarter of the drivers were out +peering under their hoods.</p> + +<p>But at the time it didn't register. +I gave the tie-up a passing +glance and was turning up the +side street toward Biltom Electronics—Bill-Tom, +get it?—when +I saw Marge threading her +way to the curb. She was leading +a small blonde girl of about +eight, who clutched a child-size +hatbox in her hand. Marge was +hot and exasperated, but small +fry was as cool and composed as +a vanilla cone.</p> + +<p>I waited. Even flushed and +disheveled, Marge is a treat to +look at. She is tall and slender, +with brown eyes that match her +hair, a smile that first crinkles +around her eyes, then sneaks +down and becomes a full-fledged +grin—</p> + +<p>But I'm getting off the subject.</p> + +<p>"Honestly, Bill!" Marge said +as she saw me. "The traffic nowadays! +We've been tied up for +fifteen minutes. I finally decided +to get off the bus and walk, even +though it is about a hundred in +the shade."</p> + +<p>"Come along to the shop," I +suggested. "The reception room +is air-conditioned and you can +watch the world's first baseball +game telecast in color. The Giants +versus the Dodgers, Carl Erskine +pitching."</p> + +<p>Marge brightened. "That'll be +more fun than shopping, won't +it, Doreen?" she asked, looking +down at the kid. "Bill, this is +Doreen. She lives across the street +from me. Her mother's at the +dentist and I said I'd look after +her for the day."</p> + +<p>"Hello, Doreen," I said. "What +have you in the hatbox? Doll +clothes?"</p> + +<p>Doreen gave me a look of faint +disgust. "No," she piped, in a +high treble. "An unhappy genii."</p> + +<p>"An unhappy—" I did a +double take. "Oh, an unhappy +genii? Maybe he's unhappy because +you won't let him out, ha +ha." Even to myself, I sounded +idiotic.</p> + +<p>Doreen looked at me pityingly. +"It's not a he, it's a thing. Elmer +made it."</p> + +<p>I knew when I was losing, so I +quit.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">I hurried</span> Marge and Doreen +along toward our little two-story +building. Once we got into +the air-conditioned reception +room, Marge sank down gratefully +onto the settee and I switched +on the television set with the +big 24-inch tube Tom had built.</p> + +<p>Biltom Electronics makes TV +components, computer parts, +things like that. Tom Kennedy +is the brains. Me, Bill Rawlins, +I do the legwork, and tend to the +business details.</p> + +<p>"It's uncanny the way all those +cars suddenly stopped when our +bus broke down," Marge said as +we waited for the picture to come +on. "Any day now this civilization +of ours will get so complicated +a bus breaking down someplace +will bring the whole thing +to a halt. Then where will we +be?"</p> + +<p>"Elmer says silly-zation is +doomed!" Doreen put in happily.</p> + +<p>The way she rolled the word +out made me stare at her.</p> + +<p>Marge only nodded. "That's +what Elmer says, all right," she +agreed, a trifle grim.</p> + +<p>"Why does Elmer say silly-zation +is doomed?" I asked Doreen.</p> + +<p>"Because it's getting hotter." +The kid gave it to me straight. +"All the ice at the North Pole is +gonna melt. The ocean is gonna +rise two hundred feet. Then everybody +who doesn't live on a +hill is gonna be drownded. That's +what Elmer says and Elmer isn't +ever wrong."</p> + +<div class="figr"><img src="images/001.png" width="277" height="550" alt="" title="" /><b><small>Illustrated by CAVAT</small></b></div> + +<p>Doreen they called her! Why +not Cassandra? The stuff kids +spout these days!</p> + +<p>I gave her a foolish grin. I +wanted Marge to get the idea I +was really a family man at heart. +"That's very interesting, Doreen. +Now look, there's the baseball +game. Let's watch, shall we?"</p> + +<p>We weren't very late after all. +It was the top half of the second +inning, the score one to one, Erskine +in trouble with two men on +and only one down. The colors +were beautiful. Marge and I were +just settling back to watch when +Doreen wrinkled her nose.</p> + +<p>"I saw that game yesterday!" +she announced.</p> + +<p>"You couldn't have, sweetheart," +I told her. "Because it's +only being played today. The +world's first ball game ever +broadcast in color."</p> + +<p>"There was a game on Elmer's +TV," Doreen insisted. "The picture +was bigger and the colors +prettier, too."</p> + +<p>"Absolutely impossible." I was +a little sore. I hate kids who tell +fibs. "There never was a game +broadcast in color before. And, +anyway, you won't find a color +tube this big any place outside +of a laboratory."</p> + +<p>"But it's true, Bill." Marge +looked at me, wide-eyed. "Elmer +only has a little seven-inch black +and white set his uncle gave him. +But he's rigged up some kind of +lens in front of it, and it projects +a big color picture on a white +screen."</p> + +<p>I saw that she was serious. My +eyes bugged slightly. "Listen," I +said, "who is this Elmer character? +I want to meet him!"</p> + +<p>"He's my cousin from South +America," Doreen answered. "He +thinks grownups are stupid." She +turned to Marge. "I have to go +to the bathroom," she said +primly.</p> + +<p>"Through that door." Marge +pointed.</p> + +<p>Doreen trotted out, clutching +her hat box.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">"Elmer</span> thinks grownups are +stupid?" I howled. "Listen, +how old is this character who +says silly-zation is doomed and +can convert a black and white +broadcast into color?"</p> + +<p>"He's thirteen," Marge told +me. I goggled at her. "Thirteen," +she repeated. "His father is some +South American scientist. His +mother died ten years ago."</p> + +<p>I sat down beside her. I lit a +cigarette. My hands were shaking. +"Tell me about him. <i>All</i> +about him."</p> + +<p>"Why, I don't know very +much," Marge said. "Last year +Elmer was sick, some tropic disease. +His father sent him up here +to recuperate. Now Alice—that's +his aunt, Doreen's mother—is at +her wits' end, he makes her so +nervous."</p> + +<p>I lit another cigarette before I +realized I already had one. "And +he invents things? A boy genius? +Young Tom Edison and all +that?"</p> + +<p>Marge frowned. "I suppose +you could say that," she conceded. +"He has the garage full of +stuff he's made or bought with +the allowance his father sends +him. And if you come within ten +feet of it without permission, you +get an electric shock right out +of thin air. But that's only part +of it. It—" she gave a helpless +gesture—"it's Elmer's effect on +everybody. Everybody over fifteen, +that is. He sits there, a little, +dark, squinched-up kid wearing +thick glasses and talking about +how climatic changes inside fifty +years will flood half the world, +cause the collapse of civilization—"</p> + +<p>"Wait a minute!" I cut in. +"Scientists seem to think that's +possible in a few thousand years. +Not fifty."</p> + +<p>"Elmer says fifty," Marge +stated flatly. "From the way he +talks, I suspect he's figured out a +way to speed things up and is +going to try it some day just to +see if it works. Meanwhile he +fools around out there in the garage, +sneering about the billions +of dollars spent to develop color +TV. He says his lens will turn +any ordinary broadcast into color +for about twenty-five dollars. He +says it's typical of the muddled +thinking of our so-called scientists—I'm +quoting now—to do +everything backward and overlook +fundamental principles."</p> + +<p>"Bro-ther!" I said.</p> + +<p>Doreen came trotting back in +then, with her hat box. "I'm tired +of that game," she said, giving +the TV set a bored glance. And +as she said it the tube went dark. +The sound cut off.</p> + +<p>"Damn!" I swore. "Must be a +power failure!" I grabbed the +phone and jiggled the hook. No +dice. The phone was dead, too.</p> + +<p>"You're funny," Doreen giggled. +"It's just the unhappy +genii. See?"</p> + +<p>She flicked over the catch on +the hatbox.</p> + +<p>And the picture came back on. +The sound started up. "—swings +and misses for strike two!" The +air conditioner began to hum.</p> + +<p>Marge and I stared. Mouths +open. Wide.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">"You</span> did that, Doreen?" I +asked it very carefully. "You +made the television stop and +start again?"</p> + +<p>"The unhappy genii did," Doreen +told me. "Like this." She +flicked the catch back. The TV +picture blacked out. The sound +stopped in the middle of a word. +The air conditioner whispered +into silence.</p> + +<p>Then she flipped the catch the +other way.</p> + +<p>"—fouls the second ball into +the screen," the announcer said. +Picture okay. Air conditioner +operating. Everything normal except +my pulse and respiration.</p> + +<p>"Doreen, sweetheart—" I took +a step toward her—"what's in +that box? What <i>is</i> an unhappy +genii?"</p> + +<p>"Not unhappy." You know +how scornful an eight-year-old +can be? Well, she was. "Unhap-<i>pen</i>. +It makes things unhappen. +Anything that works by electracity, +it stops. Elmer calls it his +unhappen genii. Just for fun."</p> + +<p>"Oh, now I get it," I said +brightly. "It makes electricity +not work—unhappen. Like television +sets and air conditioners +and automobiles and bus engines."</p> + +<p>Doreen giggled.</p> + +<p>Marge sat bolt upright. "Doreen! +<i>You</i> caused that traffic jam? +You and that—that gadget of +Elmer's?"</p> + +<p>Doreen nodded. "It made all +the automobile engines stop, just +like Elmer said. Elmer's never +wrong."</p> + +<p>Marge looked at me. I looked +at Marge.</p> + +<p>"A field of some kind," I said. +"A field that prevents an electric +current from flowing. Meaning +no combustion motor using an +electric spark can operate. No +electric motors. No telephones. +No radio or TV."</p> + +<p>"Is that important?" Marge +asked.</p> + +<p>"Important?" I yelled. "Think +of the possibilities just as a weapon! +You could blank out a +whole nation's transportation, its +communications, its industry—"</p> + +<p>I got hold of myself. I smiled +my best I-love-children smile. +"Doreen," I said, "let me look at +Elmer's unhappen genii."</p> + +<p>The kid clutched the box.</p> + +<p>"Elmer told me not to let anybody +look at it. He said he'd +statuefy me if I did. He said nobody +would understand it anyway. +He said he might show it +to Mr. Einstein, but not anybody +else."</p> + +<p>"That's Elmer, all right," +Marge muttered.</p> + +<p>I found myself breathing hard. +I edged toward Doreen and put +my hand on the hatbox. "Just +one quick look, Doreen," I said. +"No one will ever know."</p> + +<p>She didn't answer. Just pulled +the box away.</p> + +<p>I pulled it back.</p> + +<p>She pulled.</p> + +<p>I pulled.</p> + +<p>"Bill—" Marge called warningly. +Too late. The lid of the +hatbox came off in my hands.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">There</span> was a bright flash, the +smell of insulation burning, +and the unhappen genii fell out +and scattered all over the floor.</p> + +<p>Doreen looked smug. "Now +Elmer will be angry at you. Maybe +he'll disintegrate you. Or paralalize +you and statuefy you. +Forever."</p> + +<p>"He might at that, Bill," +Marge shuddered. "I wouldn't +put anything past him."</p> + +<p>I wasn't listening. I was scrambling +after the mess of tubes, +condensers and power packs scattered +over the rug. Some of them +were still wired together, but most +of them had broken loose. Elmer +was certainly one heck of a sloppy +workman. Hadn't even soldered +the connections. Just +twisted the wires together.</p> + +<p>I looked at the stuff in my +hands. It made as much sense as +a radio run over by a truck.</p> + +<p>"We'll take it back to Elmer," +I told Doreen, speaking very +carefully. "I'll give him lots of +money to build another. He can +come down here and use our +shop. We have lots of nice equipment +he'd like."</p> + +<p>Doreen tossed her head. "I +don't think he'll wanta. He'll be +mad at you. Anyway, Elmer is +busy working on aggravation +now."</p> + +<p>"That's for sure!" Marge said +in heartfelt tones.</p> + +<p>"Aggravation, eh?" I grinned +like an idiot. "Well, well! I'll bet +he's good at it. But let's go see +him right away."</p> + +<p>"Bill!" Marge signaled me to +one side. "Maybe you'd better +not try to see Elmer," she whispered. +"I mean, if he can build +a thing like this in his garage, +maybe he <i>can</i> build a disintegrator +or a paralysis ray or something. +There's no use taking +chances."</p> + +<p>"You read too many comics," +I laughed it off. "He's only a kid, +isn't he? What do you think he +is? A superman?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," Marge said flatly.</p> + +<p>"Look, Marge!" I said in feverish +excitement. "I've got to talk +to Elmer! I've got to get the +rights to that TV color lens and +this electricity interruptor and +anything else he may have developed!"</p> + +<p>Marge kept trying to protest, +but I simply grabbed her and +Doreen and hustled them out to +my car. Doreen lived in a wooded, +hilly section a little north of +White Plains. I made it in ten +minutes.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">Marge</span> had said Elmer worked +in the garage. I kept +going up the driveway, swung +sharp around the big house—and +slammed on the brakes.</p> + +<p>Marge screamed.</p> + +<p>We skidded to a stop with our +front end hanging over what +looked like a bomb crater in the +middle of the driveway.</p> + +<p>I swallowed my heart down +again, while I backed away fast.</p> + +<p>We had almost plunged into a +hole forty feet across and twenty +feet deep in the middle. The hole +was perfectly round, like a half +section of a grapefruit.</p> + +<p>"What's this?" I asked. +"Where's the garage?"</p> + +<p>"That's where the garage +should be." Marge looked dazed. +"But it's gone!"</p> + +<p>I took another look at that +hole scooped out with geometrical +precision, and turned to +Doreen. "What did you say Elmer +was working on?"</p> + +<p>"Agg—" she sobbed, "agg—agg—aggravation." +She began to +bawl in earnest. "Now he's gone. +He's mad. He won't ever come +back, I betcha."</p> + +<p>"That's a fact," I muttered. +"He may not have been mad, but +he certainly was aggravated. +Marge, listen! This is a mystery. +We've just got to let it stay a +mystery. We don't know anything, +understand? The cops will +finally decide Elmer blew himself +up, and we'll leave it at that. +One thing I'm pretty sure about—he's +not coming back."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="cap"><span class="dcap">So</span> that's how it was. Tom Kennedy +keeps trying and trying +to put Elmer's unhappen +genii back together again. And +every time he fails he takes it +out on me because I didn't get to +Elmer sooner. But you can see +perfectly well he's way off base, +trying to make out I could have +done a thing to prevent what +happened.</p> + +<p>Is it my fault if the dumb kid +didn't know enough to take the +proper precautions when he decided +to develop anti-gravitation—and +got shot off, garage and +all, someplace into outer space?</p> + +<p>What do they teach kids nowadays, +anyway?</p> + +<p class="rgt"><b>—ROBERT ARTHUR</b></p> + +<div class="trn"><div class="figt"><a href="images/002-2.jpg"><img src="images/002-1.jpg" width="152" height="200" alt="" title="" /></a></div> + +<p><big><b>Transcriber's Note:</b></big></p> + +<p>This etext was produced from <i>Galaxy Science Fiction</i> May 1955. +Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. +copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and +typographical errors have been corrected without note.</p></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Aggravation of Elmer, by Robert Andrew Arthur + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AGGRAVATION OF ELMER *** + +***** This file should be named 29618-h.htm or 29618-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/6/1/29618/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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