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diff --git a/29601.txt b/29601.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b80eaa9 --- /dev/null +++ b/29601.txt @@ -0,0 +1,614 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of See?, by Edward G. Robles + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: See? + +Author: Edward G. Robles + +Illustrator: William Ashman + +Release Date: August 3, 2009 [EBook #29601] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SEE? *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: Illustrated by ASHMAN] + + +_SEE?_ + +By EDWARD G. ROBLES, JR. + + + _Seeing things? Don't go to an analyst--see + the Commission--if it doesn't find you first!_ + + +Well, there was this song a few years back. You know the one. Phil +Harris singing about a thing that you couldn't get rid of, no matter +what you did, a thing so repulsive it made you a social outcast. Never +thought I'd see one, though. Dirty Pete found it. + +Don't rush me. I'll tell you about it. + +We're hobos, understand? Now a hobo is a different breed of cat than +you think. Oh, people are getting educated to the idea that a hobo will +work and move on, whereas a tramp will mooch and move on, and a bum will +mooch and hang around, but you still find folks who are ignorant enough +to call us bums. + +We're aristocrats, yes sir. If it wasn't for us, you wouldn't enjoy half +the little luxuries you do. Oh, don't believe me--talk to your experts. +They know that, without the migratory worker, most of the crops wouldn't +get harvested. And, if I talk highfalutin' once in a while, don't blame +me. Associating with the Professor improves any man's vocabulary, in +spite of themselves. + + * * * * * + +There was the four of us, see? We'd been kicking around together for +longer than I care to think about. There was the Professor and Dirty +Pete and Sacks and Eddie. I'm Eddie. Nicknames are funny things. Take +the Professor--he was a real professor once, until he began hitting the +bottle. Well, he lost his job, his home, his family, and his rep. + +One morning, he wakes up on Skid Row without a nickel in his jeans and +the great-granddaddy of all hangovers. He comes to a decision. Either he +could make a man out of hisself, or he could die. Right then, dying +looked like the easiest thing to do, but it took more guts that he had +to jump off a bridge, so he went on the Road instead. + +After he got over his shakes--and he sure had 'em bad--he decided that, +if he never took another drink, it'd be the best thing for him. So he +didn't. He had a kind of dignity, though, and he could really talk, so +he and I teamed up during the wheat harvest in South Dakota. We made all +the stops and, when we hit the peaches in California we picked up Sacks +and Dirty Pete. + +Sacks got his monicker because he never wore shoes. He claimed that +gunny-sacks, wrapped around his feet and shins, gave as much protection +and more freedom, and they were more comfortable, besides costing nix. +Since we mostly bought our shoes at the dumps, at four bits a pair, you +might say he was stretching a point, but that's one of the laws of the +Road. You don't step on the other guy's corns, and he don't step on +yours. + +So guess why Dirty Pete was called that. Yeah. He hadn't taken a bath +since 'forty-six, when he got out of the army, and he didn't figure on +ever takin' another. He was a damn' good worker, though, and nobody'd +ever try anything with him around. He wasn't any bigger than a Mack +truck. Besides, he was quiet. + +Oh, sure. You wanna know why I'm on the Road. Well, it happens I like +whiskers. Trouble is, they're not fashionable, unless you're some kind +of an artist, which I'm not. You know, social disapproval. I didn't have +the guts to face it, so I lit out. Nobody cares on the Road what you do, +so I was okay with my belt-length beard. + +A beard's an enjoyable thing, too. There's a certain kind of thrill you +get from stroking it, and feeling its silkiness run through your +fingers. And besides, combing it, and keeping it free of burrs, snarls +and tangles, sort of keeps your spare moments so full that the devil +don't find any idle time to put your hands to work in. If you ask me, I +think that the razor has been the downfall of society. And I'm willing +to bet I have plenty of company with the same opinion. + +Show me a man who doesn't let his beard grow once in a while, even if +it's only for a day or so, and you've shown me a man who thinks more of +social pressure than he does of his own comfort. And show me a man who +says he likes to shave, and you've shown me a man who is either a liar +or is asking for punishment. + + * * * * * + +That's enough about us. Now to get on with the story. You know, if the +Professor hadn't been around, there would probably have been murder done +over the Thing, or at least our little group would've split up, 'cause +none of us had the brains to figure it out. + +Pete's an expert scrounger. His eyes are sharp, and he's always on the +lookout for a salable piece of goods, even if he can only get a nickel +for it. One night, we're sitting in a jungle near Sacramento, trying to +figure out whether to go north for the grapes, or south for the grapes. +They're all over California, you know, and they pay pretty well. + +Pete, as usual, is out looking, and pretty soon he comes back into camp +with this thing in his hand. He handles it like it was hot, but he's +pleased he's found it, because he hopes to merchandise it. So he walks +up to me, and says, "Hey, Eddie. What'll you gimme for this, huh?" + +I say, "Get that to hell away from me! I'll give you a swift kick in the +pants if you don't." + +He looks real surprised. He says, "Huh, I thought maybe you could use +it." + +I get up on my feet. I say, real low and careful, because maybe he's +joking, "Look, Pete--you oughtta know by this time, I _like_ my beard. +Now will you go away?" + +He mooches off, looking like I'd kicked him, and goes over to the +Professor. I figure maybe the Professor could use it, so I listen. The +Prof looks like he was being offered a live rattlesnake. + +"No, thanks, really, Pete. I have resolved never to touch it again. I +hope you don't mind." + +Well, for some reason Pete don't look pleased, and he's real unhappy by +this time, but he tries again. + +"Hey, Sacks, what'll you gimme for--" + +He don't get a chance to finish. I'm only listening with half an ear, +but I'm so surprised I stand up like I been stuck with a pin. Sacks +says, "Whatinell would I do with a left shoe? You know I don't use 'em." + +Pete looks at the thing in his hand, and the Prof and I go over there. + +The Professor looks at the thing real carefully and speaks up. "Say, +Pete, look at that thing and tell me what it is." + +"Why, it's a brand new bar of soap, of course. I don't use it, but one +of you might want to. What's all the beef about?" + +"Soap?" I say. "Why, you poor fish, something must have happened to your +eyes. When you offered me that straight razor, I thought you'd gone off +your nut. Now I _know_ it." + +The Professor interrupts. He looks excited. "Wait a minute, Eddie. To me +that item looks exactly like a full fifth of Old Harvester, 100 proof. +Used to be my favorite, before I became an abstainer. To Pete, it looks +like soap. To you, it looks like a straight razor while, to Sacks, it +resembles a shoe. Does that give you any ideas?" + +"Means we're all having hallucinations," I grunts. + +"Exactly. Pete, was there anything else in the location where you found +this thing?" + +"Nothing but some scrap tin." + +"Show us." + + * * * * * + +So, the four of us wanders across the field and, sure enough, there was +this silly-looking object lying there. It was about eighteen or twenty +feet across, and two feet thick, and I nearly made a fool of myself. I +almost screamed when I saw six straight razors _crawling_ out of a hole +in its side. + +The Professor whistled. "Grab them, boys. We want them." + +Well, Sacks sacrifices one of his sacks, and we rounded up fifteen of +the useless things. We went back to the jungle, where the Prof explained +it. + +"Look, fellows, suppose you were a being from another planet that wanted +to take over here. Suppose, further, that you were rather small and +relatively defenseless. To finish the suppositions, suppose you were a +positive telepath, with not only the ability to read minds, but also the +ability to create visual and tactile hallucinations. How would you +protect yourself?" + +A light began to dawn, but I didn't say a word about it. + +The Professor continued. "If you could do all this, you'd make yourself +look just as useless as possible. To Pete, you'd look like a bar of +soap, because he never uses the stuff. To Sacks, you'd look like a shoe, +because his dislike for shoes is evident in his mind. To Eddie, who is +proud of his beard, you'd look like a razor, while to me, you'd look +like a bottle of booze, because I dislike its effects intensely. In +other words, you would assume an imposture that would assure you'd never +be picked up, except by someone like Pete, who would see in you a +salable item, even though not a usable one. It may be, Pete, that you +have saved the world." + +So, that's the story. We're all still on the Road, of course, but now we +are the "Commission for the Investigation of Extraterrestrial Invasion." +Congress named us as that, when we got the data to them. + +Now, Mr. Mayor, you see our problem. Have your citizens seen anything +around that they don't want? If they have, we want to look at it. + + --EDWARD G. ROBLES, JR. + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + This etext was produced from _Galaxy Science Fiction_ June 1954. + Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. + copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and + typographical errors have been corrected without note. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of See?, by Edward G. Robles + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SEE? *** + +***** This file should be named 29601.txt or 29601.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/6/0/29601/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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