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diff --git a/29596-8.txt b/29596-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a367a71 --- /dev/null +++ b/29596-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2146 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Funny Big Socks, by Sarah L. Barrow + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Funny Big Socks + Being the Fifth Book of the Series + +Author: Sarah L. Barrow + +Release Date: August 3, 2009 [EBook #29596] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FUNNY BIG SOCKS *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards, Emmy and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: DR. MUMBUDGET'S DOOR-PLATE.] + + + + +THE SOCK STORIES, + +BY "AUNT FANNY'S" DAUGHTER. + +FUNNY BIG SOCKS: + +BEING + +THE FIFTH BOOK OF THE SERIES. + +BY + +"AUNT FANNY'S" DAUGHTER, + +THE AUTHOR OF "THE LITTLE WHITE ANGEL." + + NEW YORK: + LEAVITT & ALLEN, 21 & 23 MERCER ST. + 1863. + + + + + ENTERED, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1862, by + + S. L. BARROW, + + In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States + for the + Southern District of New York. + + JOHN F. TROW, + PRINTER, STEREOTYPER, AND ELECTROTYPER, + 50 Greene Street, New York. + + + + + TO + + THAT GENIAL GOOD MAN + + AND PROFOUND PHILOSOPHER, + + THE REV. DR. S. I. PRIME, + + I DEDICATE THIS + + BOOK. + + + + +CONTENTS OF VOL. V. + + + PAGE + + STORM STORIES 7 + + THE CABBAGES 42 + + THE GOLD STONE 75 + + THE PHILOSOPHERS' TOUR 108 + + + + +STORM STORIES. + + +FIRST EVENING. + +HOW it did rain, to be sure! Up the long street, and down the long +street nothing was to be seen but large mud puddles, while the gutter +ran like a little river, and gushed with a loud sound into the sewer +mouth. + +That was a rain indeed! but in the warm rooms it was comfortable enough. +Books and pretty pictures lined the walls on all sides but one, where +the large window was, the recess filled with blooming flowers; they +smelt so sweetly! + +There, at a table that was covered with a green cloth, sat a literary +man. His head was bowed upon his arms; and when he raised his face, one +saw that he was so sad and pale! The poor literary man was quite +unhappy. + +If one could have crept into his heart (like him who owned the "Galoshes +of Fortune"), one would have seen that his thoughts ran, "Ah me! how +unhappy I am. I write books about the good and the beautiful, but nobody +buys them; no one cares to read of such things. If I could but tell them +a tale, now, something lively or pathetic, like the poet Baggesen or our +own Hoffman, that they all like. Nay, then, what a weary life it is!" +and he leaned back in his arm chair, and closed his eyes. + +Suddenly, something came hissing down the chimney into the stove. It was +two or three rain drops driven in by the wind. Something else appeared +to have entered with them, for there was a rustle and breeze in the +chamber, and then the literary man heard a whisper quite close to his +ear. + +"Thou silly fellow!" cried the wind, for that it was, "to sit in thy +chamber with closed doors, waiting for the story to come to thee! Nay, +then, what is there in thy books half so clever or amusing as what one +sees in real life? Listen, now, and I will tell thee what I saw one +moonlight night as I blew over this wide German land." + + +THE STORY OF THE WIND. + +IN summer, all the world--of Leipsic--goes out of town, to Baden or Ems. +Those who can afford it run over the Alps, to sunny Italy; but in +winter--ah! then it is very different! + +One is glad enough, then, to remain at home by the warm stove; or if one +goes out, one must be well wrapped up in furs and cloaks. + +The little boys slide and skate on the frozen river; the poorer folks go +about in sledges, and the rich in splendid sleighs, with white fur robes +and capering horses, which have little bells tied to their manes and +tails. + +Just such a sleigh as this stood, one bright moonlight night, before the +door of the Burgomaster Von Geirstein, in the good town of Leipsic. The +whole family were going in a body out of town, and now the hall door +opened, and forth came the fat and stupid Burgomaster himself, with his +fat and silly wife on his arm, followed by their pretty, blue-eyed +daughter, Matilda, and her lover, Walther Von Blumenwald, a thriving +young merchant. Her brother, Max, came last, a merry, good-natured young +fellow, but who, certainly, was not very wise. + +Max took the driver's place; the others seated themselves within the +large sleigh, and tucked the warm fur robes around them, and then, with +a crack of the whip, and a loud huzzah from the young men, the sleigh +glided swiftly away. + +About five miles from the town, in the midst of the forest, was a large +inn of the better sort, which had lately become a favorite resort of the +wealthy who went sleighing in the winter. Balls, even, were given there, +and there one got the most delicious mulled wine and Westphalia hams, +and all sorts of ale, "Bremen," "Prysing," "Emser ale," even "Brunswick +Mumme." To this hotel, then, our party were bound. + +Merrily rang the bells, swiftly flew the sleigh over the frozen snow, +and as they passed out at the city gates, the whole party broke into a +joyous glee: + + "Listen, listen, listen to the merry sleigh bells! + How they jingle, jingle, ever blithe and ever clear, + With a tintinnabulation that so musically wells + As it thrills, and it thrills upon the ear! + Every dancing little note + Seems to gurgle from the throat + Of a bird, that in its happy song so eloquently tells + The joy it is to bound + O'er the cold and frozen ground, + To the ringing and the clinging of the bells! + + "Listen, listen, listen to the merry sleigh bells! + How they jingle, jingle, as the horses dash along; + What a story of our gladness their enticing music tells + As it chimes and it rhymes with the song! + Such a rollicking delight + Bubbles out upon the night + As their joy-creating burthen over hill and valley swells. + Every voice must join the tune + As we skim beneath the moon + To the tinkling and the twinkling of the bells!" + +The sleigh had now turned out of the high road, and entered the forest. +For some time the way lay plain before them, but at length came a fork, +where two roads met. + +"Now, then," exclaimed Max, "which way? Blumenwald, thou hast been to +Olè's before--must I take the right hand or the left?" + +"Upon my word, I have forgotten!" exclaimed Walther. "It was a dark +night when I drove out with my cousins; but, it appears to me, upon the +whole, that we took the right hand road." + +"Well, we can only try," said Max; "at least, if we don't get to Olè's, +we shall have had a merry sleigh ride." + +He shook the reins, and the impatient horses darted off; but, my stars! +they had taken the wrong road! Deeper grew the wood; the roughness of +the path momentarily increased; the trees became so thick that the +moonlight no longer penetrated them, and Max at length stopped his +horses once more, and gazed around him in bewilderment. + +"Potstausend!" exclaimed the Burgomaster; "where has the boy taken us? I +tell you what, mein sonne, thou hadst best turn back, for we shall never +get to Olè's to-night." + +"And thy sister will take her death of cold!" cried the Frau Von +Geirstein, while Walther looked anxiously at the fair Matilda, who only +smiled up at him, and drew her fur-lined hood more closely about her +face. + +Just as they were about to turn back, they heard a sound of sleigh-bells +behind, and presently a small sleigh approached them, drawn by a +spirited horse. + +Max, without more ado, hailed the stranger, and begged him to set them, +if he could, on the road to Olè's. + +The new comer bowed courteously to the ladies, and replied, "I shall be +most happy to direct you thither, my respectable friends. In short, +then, you follow the road before you for a time, then turn to your +right; next, pursue your way in a southeast direction for a mile; next, +turn toward the northwest, and then----" + +"What, sir!" interrupted Max, "do you suppose we can go to all points +of the compass at once? What do you mean by your northwest and +southeast?" + +"Potstausend! is the fellow making fun of us?" exclaimed the +Burgomaster. + +"Surely the Herr Von Geirstein cannot suppose I would be guilty of so +great an impertinence!" exclaimed the stranger. "It is true, the road is +somewhat obscure; may I not also have the pleasure of driving you to +Olè's?" + +"We thank you--you are most kind," replied the mollified Burgomaster, +who never doubted for a moment that his vast importance caused him to be +known to all the world; "but what will become of your sledge?" + +"Oh, I don't fear for the sledge--that can remain here among the +underwood; and my horse can be attached in front of yours." + +This arrangement was soon effected, and the stranger, who was so muffled +up in fur cap and coat, that scarcely a feature could be distinguished, +mounted beside Max, and seized the reins. + +Donnerwetter! how he shouted at the horses! cracking his whip, and +calling them all manner of strange names. "Now, then, pig with a wooden +head! Get along with you, toad of serpents! To the mischief with the +whole team!" till the foam flew on all sides, the iron-clad heels of the +steeds rang like hammer upon anvil on the frozen ground, and sparks +scintillated in the air! + +Meanwhile, however, the effect of this rapid motion on the Burgomaster's +family was anything but exhilarating. Now that the bustle of setting out +was at an end, they one and all began to feel afraid of their strange +guide, and to think there was something more than common in their +adventure. + +"He's a very odd-looking man, after all," whispered the Burgomaster's +wife; "how do we know what sort of a fellow he is, and if he is taking +us to Olè's at all? I, for my part, believe he's in league with some +robber band, and we shall all be murdered." + +"Potstausend! it looks very much like it!" exclaimed the Burgomaster, +who, although so big a man, was mighty chicken-hearted. "I wish Max had +not been so confoundedly hasty in accepting his advice." + +"I beg thy pardon there, father-in-law," returned Walther; "it was thou +who bade him come in." + +The Burgomaster was about to make some peppery reply, when Max suddenly +broke upon the whispered conversation by exclaiming: + +"Since you are so good, sir, as to drive us, perhaps you will inform us +to whom we are obliged." + +But the stranger, who, before this, had been the noisiest of the party, +appeared to have become suddenly dumb, for he answered not a word. + +"Come, sir," repeated Walther, "tell us who you are." + +No answer. + +Max now half jumped from his seat, exclaiming, "But we insist on +knowing, sir, and, furthermore, I should like to know if you are taking +us to Olè's or not." + +The stranger turned at this, and with a smile that displayed his +glittering teeth, replied: + +"My good people, I am taking you just where you are destined to go. As +to my name, that is my affair. Remember, your safety depends on me; +certainly, you had better not provoke me, or----" here his speech +suddenly came to an end, and a fresh series of yells followed to the +excited horses, which all this time were tearing along as though a troop +of fiends were in pursuit. + +"It must be the Evil One himself!" cried the Burgomaster, trembling in +every limb, while the ladies screamed and clung together. + +"Not quite so bad as that, I hope," said Walther, half laughing, yet +excited, and, to tell the truth, somewhat alarmed also. + +"We are all fools if we allow this thing to go on!" shouted Max, who had +suddenly recovered his spirits. "Walther, thou wilt stand by me. Give me +the reins, sir, or hold them longer at your peril!" + +As he spoke, he endeavored to seize the reins, while Walther stood up in +the sleigh and grasped the whip. + +All at once the stranger let fall the reins, and as they trailed on the +ground, he snatched the whip from Walther's hand, gave a sudden leap +into the air, and vaulted on the back of the near horse, where he sat at +ease, and drove postillion, without their being able to help themselves. + +"Alas, we have no arms!" groaned the Burgomaster; "we may as well be +resigned to our fate. Kiss me, my children; you may never kiss your old +papa again!" + +On this, the whole quartette fell to weeping, blowing their noses most +earnestly from time to time, when, just as their grief was at its +height, and they were fairly sobbing in each other's arms, a sound of +music broke upon their ears! The next moment lights gleamed through the +trees, the sleigh took a sharp turn, passed through an open gate, and +drew up before the very door of--Olè's! For, in reality, both roads led +to the inn, although one was much more intricate and less frequented +than the other. + +The Von Geirsteins were for a moment too much astounded to speak. Then +the mysterious driver, swinging himself lightly off his horse, and +doffing his fur cap, showing them a face not only handsome, but +perfectly familiar to them, exclaimed: + +"You see, my dear friends, that it was neither a bandit nor His Satanic +Majesty who drove you by the nearest road to a robber's castle or the +lower regions, but your very good neighbor, Fritz Von Eisenfeldt, who +has had at once the pleasure and amusement of taking you safe and sound +to Olè's, after all!" + +As the wind uttered these last words, it whisked up the chimney and +disappeared. The literary man sat upright in his chair with a sudden +start, and opened his eyes wide. + +"Good heavens!" he cried, "have I been dreaming, or has the wind really +related the tale?" He could not at all tell this, but he remembered +every word of the story, and wrote it on--yes! this very piece of +paper, where you now read it! + + +SECOND EVENING. + +THE following evening the literary man could not but think of the advice +of the wind. He went to the window, and looked out on the street, to see +if there might not be a story there. + +The houses opposite were as handsome as on this side of the way, and +exactly like them; the gas lamps burned brilliantly, and everything +appeared as genteel and stupid as could possibly be conceived. "There's +not a story to be met with in this part of the town," thought the +literary man. "I must go out, and see if I can find one elsewhere." + +The snow flakes were rapidly falling from the sky, but the literary man +wrapped his warm cloak around him, and went bravely out. It is not every +one who has courage to go out in the snow! that is, the snow at +Friedrichshafen. It is sure to be so wet and cold, with large bits of +icy hail among it, covering the ground with a slippery compound, that +one cannot step upon without danger of falling. + +However, out he went, and slipped and scrambled along the pavement. +Kribbedy, krabbledy, plump! down he sat on a neighbor's doorstep; not +without exclaiming, "Potstausend!" + +As he sat there with a rueful countenance, the thought passed through +his mind, "If, now, the wind would but give me the least idea how to +begin, I might compose a tale while I wait for a hackney coach, for walk +I won't!" and he looked up and down the street, but no coach came in +sight. + +All at once it was as though a merry voice whispered in his ear--yes, +the literary man felt sure that the snow said to him "S-o-o! my good +friend, the wind has sent thee to me! Fie upon thee, that thou canst not +compose a tale without help, for all thy learning! Well, pay attention, +and I will tell thee some of the frolics of my merry cousin, the Frost. +Now, listen." + +And the literary man listened with all his ears, and quite forgot that +he was looking for a hackney coach, and that he was sitting on the steps +of his neighbor, the Herr Hartman. + + +THE STORY OF THE SNOW, ABOUT CAPTAIN JACK. + +THE children were hurrying homeward on a cold winter's evening, from the +forest, where they had been binding fagots. As they scampered along, +some one seized upon them from behind and nipped their ears sharply. +"Fie, ugly Captain Jack!" cried they; "so thou art at work again! one +may easily see that!" and they would have pursued their spiteful enemy; +but he was already gone, and they were now obliged to hasten onward. + +Captain Jack had slipped back to the forest, and thrown himself +stealthily on the ground, laughing to see their discomfiture. The moon +shone on the spot where he lay, and then all the dried grass appeared +white and sparkling, as though it were covered with glistening spray. At +one moment one saw him lying gazing at one with laughing eyes; the next, +it seemed as though only the hoar dew rested there, and glittered in the +moonlight. + +"Bur-r-r!" growled the north wind, as he flew through the forest. +"Hollo! Captain Jack; many thanks for the Ice King's message which thou +broughtest me. Come, wilt thou ride on my back in return?" + +"Many thanks!" replied Captain Jack; "I prefer to travel on foot, and +amuse myself by the way." + +"Well, be that as thou wilt!" replied the wind, and he flew off in a +huff; for he considered that he had made a very honorable offer, and had +been slighted. + +But Captain Jack ran gayly from the forest; taking long strides over the +grass, and sowing it with little white pearls, breathing on the bare +branches of the trees, and sheathing them in glittering mail, pouncing +slyly on stray wayfarers, and pinching their ears and noses till they +roared again! Then Captain Jack laughed; it sounded like the sharp crack +of a pistol through the still air. + +By the banks of the river hares were creeping, and complaining bitterly +of the cold. "Ah!" said they, "if we could but find a warm hole to creep +into, or if we had but thick, curly coats, like the bears!" + +"Do you think I have a warm coat to give any one?" quoth Captain Jack, +and he breathed on their long whiskers, which now stood quite stiffly. +"Oh hute-tute-tute-tu!" cried they, hopping up and down with pain; "oh +my toes! my poor toes!" + +Captain Jack also danced with merriment; he had neither soul nor +feeling, and couldn't understand being sorry for any one. + +Over the river, the lights of the town were gleaming. They shone like +stars that had stooped a little lower from heaven. Captain Jack skipped +lightly across the waves rolling so softly from shore to shore, and as +he passed, the water smoothed out under his feet; it was as though some +one had placed upon it a thin sheet of glass. + +He ran through the silent streets of the town, where all the world had +gone to sleep, and peered in at many casements. Sometimes he beheld the +good folks dreaming, with the hard, ugly frown still on their faces +which they had worn when they were awake; and then he slipped into the +room--yes, a key hole was large enough for him to creep through if he +chose! and breathed upon them so, that they shivered in their beds, in +spite of the warm eider down they had tucked around them. "The window +was open on a crack," they would say on the following day; but it needed +not a crack for Captain Jack to enter if he thought they deserved it! + +In other chambers he beheld lovely little children, with the faces of +angels; or venerable grandsires; with their snowy hair floating over the +pillow, and then he drew the most beautiful pictures on the window pane, +to amuse them when they should wake. He crept slyly into the larders of +thrifty housewives, and, with a touch, made chickens and ducks hanging +there, quite stiff and tasteless; he skipped to the cistern, and +magically rendered the pump handle immovable; he ran about the streets +and played tricks with the bright gas lamps, and they went out, as +though a puff of wind had blown over them. And, last of all, he ran +against a stout Burgomaster, returning homeward from a merry supper, and +so pinched the end of his red bottle-nose, that it tingled again! + +"I'll have you taken to prison, you scoundrel!" roared the Burgomaster; +but how was he to find Captain Jack? Only where a large fire was raging +did Captain Jack shrink away in haste; heat did not seem to agree with +him, for he looked strangely small and shrunken. + +He was now weary of the city, and hastened lightly to the seaside. In +the harbor ships lay at anchor, ice-bound; and on one of these a young +sailor was keeping watch for thieves; but he saw not Captain Jack coming +softly on board, and peering over his shoulder to see what was written +on the paper he held in his hand. A lantern hung from the mast and shed +a feeble light on the tear-blistered page, where the pious mother +implored a blessing on her son. As he read, the young sailor also wept; +but Captain Jack had no taste for tears. He breathed on the letter, and +the sparkling drops that the reader let fall became beads of ice. The +sailor hastily turned, and for a moment fancied he beheld the brilliant +eyes of Captain Jack gazing upon him; but the next instant he saw only +two glittering icicles, which had formed on the ropes. + +The sea gulls flew in circles round the vessel; late as it was, they +still hoped something might be thrown out. Captain Jack caught them by +the long feathers of their wings, and they tumbled on the deck, and +hopped stiffly about. "Creesh, creesh!" cried they; "it is that villain, +Captain Jack, who has served us thus! Ugh! how stiff we are!" + +Crick, crack! sounded through the air. It was Captain Jack laughing at +them. + +"How merry it is in winter!" he cried. "It is there my uncle, the Ice +King, holds his court in the palace at the North Pole. The great +icebergs come crashing to the very door to do him homage, and the white +young lady bears dance the Polonaise so gracefully! We don't spend a +moment in silly thought about anything--no! we frisk and caper about, +and even my uncle comes down from his throne and hops around, as well as +his age will permit! and there I have such glorious sport in the long +moonlight nights!" + +"Bur-r-r!" grumbled the north wind, sweeping by. "Thou hadst better +hurry home, thou silly madcap! The sun is coming, and he is no friend of +thine!" + +"Many thanks!" cried Captain Jack again, with a graceful bow; "I see, +truly, that my sport is over for to-night!" and he now looked about him +with mischievous eyes, to see if there were not some last trick that he +could play before he fled to his forest cave. But there was no time to +lose, for already the round red sun, winking and blinking sleepily +behind his bed curtains of red clouds, was rising from the sea; and, +with a sudden leap, Captain Jack flung himself off the ship, and +hastened away. + +The river was all covered with ice; the little hares skipped over it; in +the town everybody was bawling for water, and the pump handles were hard +and fast; the Burgomaster had his nose tied up in brown paper and warm +vinegar; the naughty people went about with cricks in their necks and +colds in their heads; while every withered grass blade, every branch of +tree and bush, and every pane in the windows, was covered with the +beautiful, fantastic, glittering handiwork of CAPTAIN JACK FROST! + + * * * * * + +As the story ended, the door above suddenly opened, and the Herr Hartman +himself came out; and certainly looked somewhat surprised at seeing his +good friend sitting there on the lower step. + +"Why, my dear Herr Ekstein!" he exclaimed. "Is anything the matter?" and +he hastened down the steps. + +The literary man jumped up, and saw the Herr holding out his hand. + +"Nay, then, my good friend!" he exclaimed, "I have been hearing the +merriest tale!" + +"But come in! come in!" cried the Herr Hartman. "Some of our friends are +with us; let us spend a sociable evening together." + +With a pleased and happy face the literary man entered the house, and +the warm room, where the company were assembled; and, amid peals of +laughter, related both the story of Captain Jack, and that of the +sleigh-ride to Olè's, with the deuse himself as driver! + + + + +THE CABBAGES; + +OR, THE DISCREET WIFE. + + +IN a remote part of Swabia there once dwelt a rich peasant, who was +noted in all the neighborhood for his shrewdness. No one could get the +better of him in a bargain, and no man managed his farm with such +extraordinary success. His crops always seemed to flourish when the +whole country round was desolated with the blight; his hay was sure to +be got in the very night before a flood swept away the ricks of his +neighbors; his cows gave the most milk, his oxen were the fattest, and +his fields the most fruitful of the whole valley. In short, Wise Peter, +for so he was called, became wealthy year after year, in a way which +made his less fortunate neighbors shake their heads enviously, declaring +"that such marvellous good luck could only be obtained by a bargain with +the Evil One, or the assistance of gnomes." Whenever any of these +stories came to the ears of Wise Peter, he would smile and say, "Ah! who +knows, indeed!" but not a word more would he utter. + +Among his other possessions, Wise Peter owned an immense field, which +was planted entirely with cabbages. If one stood in the middle and +gazed around, nothing but cabbages and more cabbages grew, as far as the +eye could reach; and as the fat burghers of the town were all extremely +fond of sauerkraut, these were a source of great profit. + +It happened that Peter had a wife as well known for her folly and empty +head, as her husband for his sagacity; and as he was rightly named Wise +Peter, so was she equally well called Silly Catharine. How the two came +to be united was a mystery to every one; for certain it is, that Silly +Catharine had nothing to recommend her to a sensible man, but her being +young and pretty. + +Now Silly Catharine, who was as witless as she could well be, was +fonder of cabbages than anything else in the world. She ate sauerkraut +for breakfast, cabbage soup for dinner, fried cabbage for supper, and +boiled cabbage for a noonday treat. Not even the constant scoldings of +her husband, or the jeers of the neighbors at her folly, could distress +her in any great degree, if she had only plenty of cabbages. + +One morning, Wise Peter loaded his wagon with grain and started off to +sell it at the distant market town, a good day's journey to and from the +village. "Now, Catharine," he said to his wife as he departed, "I want +you to keep your wits about you, such as you possess, while I am gone; +therefore attend to me. You must give orders that the men reap the +wheat in the large field, take care that the young turkeys do not get +among the brambles, and, above all, see that no one enters the little +storeroom. They are going to tax every one who is worth five hundred +guilders and over; and as I don't choose to give my hard earnings for +the support of a parcel of lazy nobles and a useless court, I have +hidden all the money bags there; therefore, be careful that nobody knows +of it but yourself." So saying, Peter mounted his wagon and drove off. +Silly Catharine looked after him as long as he could be seen, and then +went back to the kitchen, determined to show her husband how clever she +had become. + +"Shall I go and tell the goose girl to hunt the turkeys into the coop +first?" thought she; "or shall I put on the cabbage to boil? I think I +will set my cabbage on first; it will take but a moment, the turkeys are +safe till then." + +So she went to the larder, got out a fine large cabbage, and hung the +pot over the fire, that it might boil quickly. The steam of the cabbage +cooking ascended to her nose with a delicious perfume, and at last, what +with hanging over the pot enveloped in steam, and the heat of the fire, +she felt very drowsy, and falling into her chair, was soon soundly +asleep. She had not slept long before in came the goose girl, whose +business it was to take charge of the fowls of all sorts, crying out, +"Oh, mistress! mistress: the turkeys have got among the brambles, and +cannot get out!" + +"Mercy upon us!" exclaimed Catharine, springing up and wringing her +hands; "what will Peter say to me! He will, doubtless, break his stick +over my shoulders. If it were not for the cabbage on the fire, I should +certainly throw myself from the window!" So saying, she ran out into the +field, but too late; the little turkeys were all in the very middle of a +bramble bush, which had tangled in their feathers, until it was +impossible to get them out; beside which, a fox had entered the barn +yard in the goose girl's absence, by the gate, which she had carelessly +left swinging open, and carried off the biggest and handsomest Poland +rooster, that Wise Peter valued even more than the turkeys. About this +last loss, however, she said nothing, hoping that her mistress wouldn't +remark it. This, indeed, proved to be the case; for, without noticing +the absence of poor Chanticleer, Catharine burst into tears, exclaiming, +"What is to be done? The only way is to cut the bush down." + +[Illustration: THE FATE OF POOR CHANTICLEER.] + +As she spoke, she seized an axe, and with one blow felled the bush to +the ground. But what was her horror to find, as she let fall the axe, +that she had also struck off the heads of every one of the turkeys! + +"Oh heavens! what a misfortune!" cried Catharine; "I am the most unlucky +woman in the world! _Now_ Wise Peter will not leave a whole bone in my +body! Alas, the turkeys would have sold for eight skillings apiece when +they had grown fat and big! The only thing that consoles me is, that I +shall have such a famous supper ready for him. When he tastes my fine +cabbage soup, I am sure he must forget to be vexed!" There were still, +however, the bodies of the turkeys to see after; so she took out her +needle and thread, sewed the heads of the turkeys on their necks, and +set them upright in the coop, that they might look as though they were +still alive. + +After this precious piece of cleverness, Silly Catharine returned to the +house to see how her cabbage came on. But she had been gone so long that +the water in the pot had all boiled away, and the cabbage was burning on +hard and fast to the bottom of the pot. "Why, bless me! where can the +water have gone to?" cried Silly Catharine. "It must have all drawn up +chimney! Nevertheless, it would be a pity to lose it; full of the +cabbage juice as it was, it might well have been made into soup; and +Wise Peter has told me a hundred times never to waste anything. I will +get something to let down the chimney and see if I can dip it up." + +So saying, she began to look about for a rope long enough to reach down +the chimney; but she couldn't find one. All at once her eye fell on the +bucket standing outside the well. Joyfully rushing to it, she cut the +rope, and dragging the bucket after her, scrambled out on the roof, and +began letting it down the chimney. While she was thus engaged, a poor +little frightened swallow, who had built its nest there, suddenly flew +up the chimney and darted right in her face. Silly Catharine was so much +frightened, that she gave a loud scream and let go of the rope. The +bucket, of course, fell into the middle of the fire, and in a twinkling +was burnt to cinders. Down from the roof, and into the kitchen, rushed +Catherine, but too late; nothing save the iron hoops now remained of the +bucket. + +"What shall I do?" cried Silly Catharine. "Not an hour passes but some +new misfortune occurs. Alas! I am no longer able to draw water for my +soup! but stay, I think of a way!" So saying, she took the pot from the +hook, tied a rope to the handle, let it down the well, with the cabbage +still in it, and when it was filled carried it back to the house, and +hung it over the fire. + +Soon afterward the dairy maid went to draw some water for dinner. She +could not find the bucket; so she let down a milk pail instead; but +when she came to taste the water, she tasted also the flavor of the +cabbage, and ran to her mistress, calling out, "Why, mistress, who has +been meddling with our fine well? It had once the best water in the +neighborhood, but now the flavor is precisely that of a greasy, horrible +cabbage!" + +"Nonsense!" cried Silly Catharine, with an air of contempt; "it is all +your fancy. Don't tell me that water can taste of cabbages!" Her heart +beat with affright, however, and as soon as the servant maid had left +the room, she ran in great terror to the wine cellar. "What the servant +said must have been true," thought she; "and Wise Peter will never +forgive me when he finds out that I have spoilt the well. I will, +therefore, pour some wine into the water, to take away the taste of the +cabbages." So saying, she seized one of the wine barrels, and in the +strength of terror she managed, with great difficulty, to push it up the +cellar stairs, and roll it through the kitchen out to the well. Then she +removed the spile and tilted the cask forward; when out streamed at +least thirty gallons of the finest Tokay down the well! + +Having done this, Silly Catharine hid the barrel away with great +precipitation; and, determined to leave nothing else undone, she called +the reapers and bid them go directly to the large field and reap the +wheat. Then she went back, and began eating her dinner, saying, "Thank +heaven, I have a good dinner to sit down to, at least; there are always +cabbages enough!" + +Meanwhile, the reapers made ready to go a-field; and before they went, +one of them drew a bucket of water to carry with them. But no sooner had +they tasted the water, than they cried out, "'Tis wine! the finest +wine!" and scarcely able to believe their senses, they drew up bucket +after bucket of this new liquor, drank till they became drunk, and then +tumbled senseless among the wheat; for it happened that the well was +very low, and what they drew was nearly all wine. While they lay there, +a violent hail storm came on, and in an hour's time the whole of the +wheat was beaten to the ground, drenched, crushed, and ruined. + +Unconscious of this fresh misfortune, Silly Catharine prepared her soup +for supper, and then, having finished her work, she sat down in the +front porch and began to knit, feeling as if at last all her troubles +were over. Presently the gate was opened, and a man entered the garden. +It was he who was appointed to gather the tax, and knowing Wise Peter to +be well off, it was to his house that he first came. + +"Oh, you are very much mistaken if you think I will pay your outrageous +tax!" cried Silly Catharine. "No, no! Wise Peter would know better than +that, and his wife will not be behind hand! He told me before he went +that he had no money to pay, and if he had, he wouldn't give it to +support your lazy nobles; so be off with you!" + +While Catharine had been making this tirade, the tax gatherer, to whom +she had unwittingly given a valuable hint, hit upon a new plan by which +to secure his guilders. So as she paused, out of breath, he exclaimed, +in a contemptuous tone: "There is no use in making such a noise, good +woman; I see plainly that I was a fool to suppose the owner of this +beggarly house was worth five hundred guilders. Five kreutzers would be +much nearer the mark!" + +"What! do you dare to call the house of Wise Peter beggarly!" cried +Catharine in a rage; "beggarly, indeed! you could never get such a fine +one if you live a thousand years." + +"And I repeat that it is a beggarly house," said the other; "with a +poor, miserable family in it." + +"You don't believe me?" screamed Silly Catharine; "well, then I'll show +you what you call poor; a pretty thing, indeed, that you should say we +are a beggarly family!" And, bouncing from her seat, she led the tax +gatherer to the store room, and dragging the money bags from their +concealment, she opened them triumphantly, saying, "There, what do you +call _that_?" + +"At least a thousand guilders!" exclaimed the tax gatherer, astonished +at seeing so much more than he had expected. "So, you refuse to pay the +tax when you have all this money in the house! I confiscate it all in +the name of the king, and you may think yourself lucky if you and your +precious husband (who must be wise, since he married such a wife as +you), don't get thrown into prison besides." So saying, he snatched up +the bags of guilders, while Catharine stood staring at him in mute +horror, and in an instant was out of the house, and gone on his way. + +Nearly stunned with this new mishap, Catharine burst into tears, and ran +down stairs crying, as though her heart would break. "What is to become +of me," she sobbed, "when Peter comes home? He will certainly kill me +for having shown the tax gatherer the money! Nevertheless, what could I +do? It was impossible to have people say that Wise Peter was a beggarly +creature--I could not allow that!" and, a little re-assured, she dried +her eyes and went to taste the soup. It was nearly done, and tasted +deliciously. "Ah!" cried Silly Catharine, "the soup is better than +usual! It quite repays me for all to think that we still have the finest +cabbages!" + +In the mean time, one of the reapers, who had drank less wine than the +others, woke up sober, and as soon as he found he could stand on his +legs, he ran post haste to the village to relate the wonderful tale. The +place being small and the gossips many, it was not half an hour before +the whole population knew the extraordinary occurrence that had taken +place. Even the curé, the magistrate, and the doctor rushed into the +street to hear the news, and a pretty uproar there was. "Said I not +truly that Wise Peter was in league with the Evil One?" exclaimed one, +"for only thus can the miracle of a spring of wine be accounted for." +"True, true!" cried the listeners; "a wizard he must be; and that of a +right dangerous sort!" + +Just at this moment, the wagon of Wise Peter was seen coming along the +road. The impatient villagers could not wait for him to approach them, +but rushed toward the wagon and surrounded it on every side. "How now, +wretched wizard!" they one and all shouted; "dare you look us in the +face when we have found you out in your sorceries? Away with you to +prison!" and, so saying, they laid hold of Wise Peter, dragged him out +of the wagon, and bore him toward the magistrate. In vain the wretched +man begged for some explanation, declared a hundred times over that he +was no wizard, but an honest peasant; they only shouted, tauntingly, "A +pretty story for a man who turns his well springs into the finest wine! +no wizard, indeed! say, rather, a wizard of the worst kind!" + +With these words, they hauled him before the magistrate, where, again, +the reaper repeated his story, adding, by way of proof, "If you don't +believe me, go and see the other reapers; there they lie drunk, where I +left them." + +"You hear what this honest man says," said the magistrate. "We have long +suspected you of sorcery, but this proves the matter at once. Either you +must forfeit a hundred guilders, as ordained by law in such cases, or +you must go to prison." + +Almost distracted, Wise Peter exclaimed, "You have seen fit, worthy +magistrate, to accuse me of a crime of which, so far from being guilty, +I know nothing whatever. When I left home this morning, I swear the +water was as fresh and pure as possible. I know that some envious people +had long accused me of practising black arts, and if Industry and +Prudence are black arts, I am certainly guilty; but in this matter of +the water, I am as innocent as my own wife!" + +"All this is very fine," answered the magistrate; "but it happens that +the bewitched water can be produced;" and turning to the reaper, he +said, "Have you any of this water about you?" + +"Yes, worthy magistrate," replied the reaper; "as I came away from the +field, I filled my flask with what was left, and brought it with me." + +The flask was handed to Peter, and no sooner had he tasted it, than he +fell back aghast, exclaiming, "Good heaven, it _is_ wine! and very like +Tokay!" + +"What! you confess it yourself?" cried the magistrate. "Don't hope, +then, for mercy! You shall now pay two hundred guilders, or go to prison +for a year!" + +"Mercy! mercy!" cried the unfortunate man, falling on his knees. +"Consider my family, worthy magistrate; do not disgrace them by sending +me to prison! I see the water has been changed, but not by me; and +though you will not believe me, I can solemnly assure you, with perfect +truth, that I am innocent." + +"Pay or go to prison!" answered the magistrate inexorably. + +With many tears and groans, the unlucky Peter drew a purse full of +guilders from his pocket and paid over the whole proceeds of his sale of +wheat, which only amounted to a hundred and five guilders; the +magistrate remarking that he would let him off with that if he would +solemnly swear never to practise the black art any more, and to +unbewitch his well as speedily as possible. This Peter did, in despair +of bringing them to reason, and having been thus severely punished for a +crime he was utterly guiltless of, he mounted his wagon again, and rode +home in a state of mind that can better be imagined than described. + +When he reached his own home he rapped on the window as usual, to warn +his wife, and Catharine rushed out to meet him, and, throwing her arms +round his neck, cried, "Oh, Peter, I am so glad you have returned; the +good cabbage soup is all ready for you; so come right in and eat it!" + +"Eat!" exclaimed Wise Peter, "how can I swallow a mouthful when I am so +overwhelmed with misfortune?" + +"What! you also!" said Catharine; "alas! what has happened?" + +[Illustration: PETER'S RETURN HOME.] + +With accents that trembled with rage and grief, Wise Peter told how +he had been treated in the village; but he had scarcely made an end +before Catharine, bursting into tears, exclaimed, "Oh, what will become +of me! Have mercy, Peter, for it was I who poured the wine down the +well!" + +"Poured wine down the well!" cried Peter, starting in astonishment; +"then, for heaven's sake, why did you do that?" + +"Because," sobbed his wife, "the water tasted of cabbages!" + +"Of cabbages!" repeated the peasant, in greater surprise than ever, "and +what made it taste of cabbages?" + +"Because I dipped up water in the cabbage pot," cried Silly Catharine. + +"And where was the bucket?" asked her husband. + +"I burnt it, trying to dip the water out of the chimney, that had been +drawn up from the cabbage pot!" gasped Catharine, feeling that +everything must now be told, since she had begun. + +Wise Peter took two or three strides across the room in silence; then, +making a violent effort to speak quietly, he said, "And why, Catharine, +since you supposed that water could be drawn up a chimney, did you leave +the pot unwatched?" + +Almost in a scream, Silly Catharine broke out, "Because I was sewing on +the turkeys' heads that I struck off cutting down the bramble bush!!" + +"Now, was ever any man tormented with such a fool of a wife!" shouted +Peter, almost beside himself with rage. "I could beat you with pleasure +for acting so witlessly, but that, alas! would not pay for what you have +lost for me this day. A hundred and five guilders of my precious money +have I been made to pay for your foolery, besides losing my Tokay wine, +my field of wheat, and all my fine young turkeys! at least a hundred +guilders more!" + +"Oh, and that's not the worst!" cried Catharine. + +"What! is there any more to come?" exclaimed Peter, almost out of his +senses. + +"Yes," stammered Silly Catharine; "the man came here to gather the tax, +and I told him, as you said, that you were far too clever to pay it, and +that he would get nothing more out of me. Then he said you were a +beggarly fellow, not worth five kreutzers, and, of course, I couldn't +allow that; so I showed him the guilders in the store room, to prove +that he spoke falsely, and he took every one of them! I am so sorry, but +never mind, there is excellent cabbage soup for supper!" + +At this, Peter could restrain himself no longer, and falling upon Silly +Catharine, he trounced her well with his stick, until she cried out for +mercy. "There!" he said at last, throwing down the stick, "you have +been well punished, though not half enough to pay for the mischief you +have done." + +Silly Catharine dried her eyes upon her apron, and with a reproachful +look exclaimed, "Still you have beaten me, Wise Peter, for what I could +not help; for, if the turkeys had not been killed, I should never have +stayed away so long; if the water had not flown up chimney, I should not +have burnt the bucket; and if the well had not tasted of cabbages, I +should not have thrown in the wine. And, above all, dear Peter, if that +abominable man spoke ill of you, how could I, your wife, avoid showing +him that he lied? Besides, the case is not so bad; we have lost nearly +all, it is true; but, thank heaven, we still have delicious cabbages!" + +In spite of himself, Wise Peter could not help bursting out laughing. +"After all, Catharine," he exclaimed, "I see you did not intend doing me +any harm; if you are a fool, that, certainly, is not your fault; +therefore, in future let us never be separated. Come, you pretty goose, +let us go and eat cabbage soup." + +So saying, Wise Peter kissed his wife's blooming cheek, and led her into +the house. They sat down with contented hearts to the nice, smoking +soup, and after supper walked out among the spreading cabbages. + + + + +THE WONDERFUL LEGEND OF THE GOLD STONE. + + +IN those far away times when the world was yet in its baby clothes, and +people were not as wise as they are nowadays, there dwelt in the good +town of London a poor tailor's apprentice named Bartlemy Bowbell. He +might be called poor in a double sense; for not only was he such a lazy, +idle fellow that he scarcely ever took a stitch, and so seldom had a +copper of his own, but he was a miserable workman, and, like an +organ-grinder's monkey, or a blind man's dog, obtained more kicks than +halfpence. + +In the same room with him were several other tailors; who sang together +one of two tunes as they stitched. If they were paid for every day's +work, be it much or little, they sang, "By the d-a-y! by the d-a-a-y! by +the d-a-a-a-y!" and the needles went in and out as slowly as the coaches +of a funeral procession; but if they were paid for every garment they +finished, then they sang, "By the job! by the job! by the job!" and the +needles stitched away like an express train! Bartlemy, however, crossed +his legs, put his thimble firmly on, and stitched briskly for five +minutes; then his attention would wander, and presently, dropping work, +thimble, shears, and needle, he began singing to himself, + + "Oh, if I were only possessed of my riches, + I never would sew on a pair of old breeches! + Thimbles and thread! + Buttons and braid! + Oh, who would be bound to this rascally trade? + + "If money I had, I'd be free from all care, + And what _master_ must _make_, _I_ should have but to _wear!_ + Needles and pins! + Shears and cloth ends! + When the work's ended then pleasure begins!" + +"What's that you're singing about riches?" cried his master, sharply; +"Riches, forsooth! you will die in the poor house, I can tell you, if +you don't stitch more diligently! Come, sew away! sew away!" So saying, +he gave him a good thwack with his yard stick, to make him continue +working. + +[Illustration] + +All the beatings in the world, however, could not thump out of Bartlemy +Bowbell a belief that had got into his head that he should one day +become rich and famous, through the agency of a wonderful jewel called +the Gold Stone. As I said, people, in those days, were by no means so +wise as they are at present, and so it fell out that the most learned +philosophers of that olden time believed as firmly as did the tailor's +apprentice in the existence of this Gold Stone, the peculiar property of +which was, that if it came in contact with any common metal, it changed +it, on that instant, into gold. Now, this story had come to the ears of +Bartlemy Bowbell, and by one of those odd cranks that not overwise +people sometimes take in their heads, he was perfectly persuaded that, +sooner or later, he was fated to find the miraculous gem. + +Matters soon rose to such a pitch, as may easily be seen, that his +master finally turned him out of doors, saying "that he ate more than he +would ever earn." + +"Very well, master," quoth Bartlemy, "I don't regret your goose and +cabbage!" and having said this, he ran away as hard as he could, +dropping one of his slipshod shoes as he went along, with his master +pursuing after, yard stick in hand, whom, however, he soon contrived to +outstrip. + +[Illustration] + +As he had not earned a penny during the week, he was entirely without +money, and nobody would lodge a shabby apprentice with only one shoe, +for nothing. He wandered on until he was clear of London and in the open +fields, begging of those he met on the road, but who always replied to +his solicitation, "Why don't you go to work, you lazy 'prentice?" for +they knew what he was, because he wore a 'prentice's flat cap. Worst of +all, night now came on, and Bartlemy was at last compelled to lie down +beneath a tree, where he soon fell asleep. The moon rose high, and still +Bartlemy snored, when, all of a sudden, he was roused by a smart blow on +the shoulder from what he could have sworn was a yard stick. + +"Needles and pins!" cried Bartlemy, sitting up in haste; "what's that?" + +"Bartlemy Bowbell," croaked a strange voice, "look at me." + +Bartlemy looked round, and to his extreme terror, saw standing beside +him a being whom he could only suppose to be a goblin. He was not more +than four feet high, with very bow legs, as though from a constant habit +of tucking them up on a tailor's shop board; his clothes, fashioned from +odd bits of velvet and cloth such as tailors call "cabbage," or, as we +should say, the pieces of the customers' stuff left from their +coats--were trimmed with thimbles for bell buttons; on his head was a +tailor's cotton nightcap, with a long tassel, and hanging at his waist +were an immense pair of shears, and a pincushion bristling with needles +and pins. In one hand he carried the yard stick with which he had struck +the luckless 'prentice, and in the other a tailor's goose, or flat iron. + +His face was expressive of the most jovial good humor, though it could +not be called handsome, for his nose was flattened as though he were in +the habit of trying his iron against the end; his hair seemed composed +of long and short threads mingled together, and he had an abominable +squint, as though he were always endeavoring to see how a coat set at +the front and back, the collar and tail at the same time. + +"Bartlemy," said the goblin again, "what's the matter with you?" + +"Matter, your worship?" gasped Bartlemy. + +"Come to the point," said the goblin, severely, accidentally swinging +his pincushion against Bartlemy's legs at the same time, and pricking +him most atrociously. "You are everlastingly growling and grumbling, +instead of working at your trade like an honest tailor, and richly +deserve to be thwacked with the yardstick every morning by way of +breakfast; but never mind, I choose to help you; so say what you want, +quick." + +"A-and who might your worship be?" asked Bartlemy, with a cold shudder; +for he felt desperately afraid that he had got hold of Old Boguey or +Old Nick--it was not much matter which. + +"That's none of your business," said the being; "but if you must know, I +am Snippinbitz, the patron of the tailors." + +"O lord, your worship, you don't say so!" stammered Bartlemy. + +"That's a fact!" returned the goblin. "Come, out with it; what can I do +for you?" + +Bartlemy scratched his head and took off his cap, looked into it, found +no words there, and put it on again; and finally, with a bow that nearly +toppled him head over heels, and a kick up of his foot that sent his +remaining slipper flying into the nearest mud-puddle, he managed to +say: + +"Please, your worship, I want to find the Gold Stone." + +The goblin burst into a discordant laugh on hearing this; then, suddenly +becoming serious, he said: + +"Well, that's a sensible request, Bartlemy, and a modest one, +considering the circumstances. Never mind, I have taken a fancy to you; +your wish shall be accomplished. See here." + +With these words Snippinbitz put his hand in his pocket, and pulled out +a magnificent jewel, as it seemed to Bartlemy. It was of the most +resplendent purple color imaginable, and sparkled all over with flecks +of gold, which seemed to swim beneath the surface. Nothing could look +more gorgeously beautiful as the astonished tailor held it up in the +moonlight; yes, there could be no doubt of it; the mysterious, the +unattainable Gold Stone was really his! + +"Now, Bartlemy, attend to me," continued the being. "The Gold Stone is +yours, but under certain conditions, which must be faithfully complied +with, or no gold! First, you must return to London to-morrow, seek out +your old master, and ask him to employ you as a regular workman. You +will find yourself able to sew as well as the best, through my +assistance, and you must employ this power diligently on the work he +gives you to do. I warn you, however, that you must keep the secret of +the Gold Stone from everybody; and, in order that you may do so, you +must never take it out of your pouch until you are safe in your own +chamber. Secondly, when you receive your wages, place the money directly +in the pouch containing the Gold Stone, and do not look at it until you +go to bed. Then you will find the copper turned into silver, and the +silver into gold. But if you count the money first, it will never be any +different. Thirdly, in a year's time from to-night, meet me at this +spot, and tell me how you have prospered. Will you keep these conditions +faithfully?" + +"Ye-y-es! your worship!" stammered the 'prentice. + +"Then, how are you, Mr. Gold Stone!" exclaimed the goblin, in advance +of the age; and, with an outrageous wink, he treated Bartlemy to another +whack with the yardstick, and vanished. + +The blow struck our tailor insensible; and when his eyes again unclosed +it was broad daylight. For a moment he stared about him, wondering how +he came to be there; then, remembering the extraordinary events of the +previous night, he hastily felt in his pouch, and drew out the +miraculous jewel. It flamed in the sunlight like a bright diamond eye, +and Bartlemy almost fancied he caught it winking at him. This idea +lasted but a moment, and having taken a long and delighted stare at the +much-desired Gold Stone, he replaced it carefully in his pouch, and +started straight for London. As he passed the newly-opened bakers' +shops, he could not help wishing that he had a half-penny in the world, +so that he might change it into a crown on the spot, and buy a basketful +of hot rolls; but as the Gold Stone was not warranted to _make_ money, +he was forced to take it out in wishing. Fortunately one of the bakers, +seeing him gaze hungrily at the hot bread, had the kindness to toss him +a large roll; and, munching this, he arrived at his master's shop. + +After the way in which he had been turned out, he hadn't much hope of +getting in again, but, afraid of disobeying the goblin's injunctions, +he entered with as much courage as he could muster, and found the other +tailors stitching away as usual, while his master cut out a coat. + +Bartlemy took his cap humbly off, saying, "Please, master, if you will +employ me as a workman now, I think I can please you. Do try me; I will +be industrious; indeed, I will." + +"Oh," grumbled the master tailor, "sleeping out in the fields and going +without supper and breakfast has done you good, has it? Well, take this +coat and sit you down; but I warn you, beforehand, that if you are not +more industrious than usual, I will lay my yardstick over your shoulder, +and clear you out again." + +Bartlemy took the work, and having planted himself on the shop-board[A] +in his favorite place, near a window, he put on his thimble, threaded +his needle with a grand flourish, and began to stitch away for dear +life. He sewed faster and better than he had ever done before, and +found, to his joy, that the goblin's promises had begun to be fulfilled +in reality. But bad habits are not to be conquered as one would pull up +weeds: though both must be torn up by the roots, one might weed three +gardens in the time it takes to destroy one fault; and so, without +really meaning it, Bartlemy at last began to ply his needle less +briskly; his thoughts wandered; he took a stitch that was three times +too long, then another in a wrong place, a third and fourth all askew, +and finally the work came to a dead stand-still. But, thimbles and +thread! what happened? The instant his hand stopped, a long yellow +yardstick came flying through the window, with no one holding it, hit +him such a thwack on the shins that he roared again with the pain, and +instantly vanished. + +"Why, what's the matter?" asked the other tailors, startled, as they +well might be. + +"Matter!" cried Bartlemy. "Why, didn't you see that--that horrible +yardstick coming at me?" + +At this they all laughed at him for a fool; for nobody but our tailor +could perceive this terrific weapon, which was doubtless invisible to +common eyes. His conscience whispered, however, that his punishment was +a reminder from the friendly goblin, and accordingly he set to work with +renewed diligence. After a while, lost in dreams of his approaching +wealth, he stopped stitching again, when, like a flash, in came the +yardstick, touched him up with a vengeance, and vanished as before; and +so it continued all the time he was sewing: the watchful yardstick would +only allow him to stop to thread his needle or turn the work. + +When he had stitched all the seams, he laid the coat on the table and +heated his goose, that he might smooth them. He took care to post +himself a good way from the window, in order to get rid of the ferocious +yardstick; but the goblin was not to be baffled thus. The moment he +stopped ironing and began to count the flies on the ceiling, the goose +seemed to carry his hand up with it--irresistibly--to the end of his +nose, and gave it a good scorching! This was no joke, I can tell you, +and in a very short time Bartlemy began so to dread the visits of his +two enemies that he never left working a minute, and his needle dashed +along like magic. By sunset the coat was done, and sewed in a manner +vastly superior to the other tailors, who looked at him with envious +eyes. "What! finish a whole coat in one day?" they cried; "we never +could do so well! Goose and cabbage! friend Bartlemy! you must have the +assistance of some fairy!" + +Bartlemy made no answer, but taking the coat in hand, carried it to his +master, who viewed it in the greatest astonishment. Never before had a +coat been made in a single day, and stitched, too, more finely than +anything he had ever seen; but, not wishing to raise his late +'prentice's ideas of himself, he merely grumbled out, "For a wonder you +have done your work this time; so now take your wages, and be sure to +come early Monday morn." + +As he spoke, he slipped a couple of coins into Bartlemy's hand, who, +remembering the goblin's words, put them into his pouch without so much +as looking at them. + +Now, no doubt my clever little readers have guessed quite readily the +true solution of this mighty mystery; but to the simple Bartlemy the +reality of the Gold Stone's magic power was placed beyond a doubt when, +on reaching his chamber and striking a light, he found, instead of the +farthing and penny which had always been his weekly payment, a crown and +sixpence. + +"Huzzah! huzzah!" he cried, fairly jumping for joy; "my beautiful Gold +Stone is doing its work bravely." He kissed the stone in his delight, +and went to bed, to dream of becoming a master tailor, and making +clothes for the king. + +The following Monday he repaired to his master's shop the first of any +one, and everything happened as on the former time; except that, being +more diligent at his work, the goose and the yardstick were less +frequent in their favors, and he now made a coat and a vest in the day. +His master really knew not what to think; but at least so good a workman +was not to be lost; so he kept his surprise and suspicions to himself, +and made up by heaping more and more sewing on the luckless Bartlemy. + +It didn't make any difference, however; his needle almost seemed to work +by itself, and the sewing was finished by sunset; so that, really, the +good-natured goblin was the original sewing machine, and no thanks to +Messrs. Grover and Baker. At the end of the week his master paid him a +crown and a shilling; or, as Bartlemy believed, a farthing and a penny; +the next week a guinea, and the week after a guinea and a crown, which +was the highest wages ever paid. + +So things went on, until Bartlemy had earned enough to make quite a +fortune in his eyes; ten whole guineas lay glittering in the old night +cap where he kept his savings, and the tailor thought he might now set +up for a gentleman. So he bought cloth, made himself, in secret, a fine +cloak, coat, and breeches, and in these jackdaw adornments paraded +about the streets a whole morning, trying to appear an idle fine +gentleman. At last he strutted into the best inn, ordered a grand dinner +and a bottle of wine, and feasted like a lord. + +But his time was coming. The watchful goblin, though not at his side, +knew perfectly well what he was about, and soon led him to betray his +quality most fatally. When the bill was brought him, it was so long and +so tremendous that Bartlemy sprang up in a rage, crying out: + +"_Thimbles and thread!_ Do you call this a decent charge for your paltry +dinner?" + +The landlord stared at him in astonishment; then, suddenly bursting +into a loud laugh, he cried, "Why, gentles all, this fine nobleman is +nothing but a tailor! ha! ha!" and he put his hands to his fat sides and +shook with laughter. + +"Be silent, sirrah!" thundered Bartlemy; "or _I'll break my yardstick +over your shoulders_!" + +"Ha! ha! only hear what he says!" laughed the landlord. "A miserable +tailor." + +"If you do not stop your impertinence, I will _shear off your ears like +cloth clippings_!" retorted the angry tailor. "Goose and cabbage! man; +you shall not trifle with me!" + +On this the landlord and waiters turned him bodily out of the house, +after seizing upon all his remaining money; and the moment he was in +the street, the knowledge of how he had betrayed himself broke upon his +mind. Mortified and miserable, he hurried home, determined, after this, +to stick to his trade and play fine gentleman no more. + +The year at last drew to a close, and Bartlemy had now earned enough to +set up for a master tailor; when, one bright moonlight night, he +suddenly remembered that it was the very anniversary of his meeting with +the goblin. Starting up, he ran to where his pouch was placed, took out +the Gold Stone and enjoyed a long look at it, and then, throwing his +cloak around him, he hastened forth. The moonlight beamed brightly on +the path he was taking, and seemed to throw all sorts of queer shadows +before him; now it was an immense yardstick, now a thimble supported on +two needles like a pair of spindle legs, then a goose with a pair of +shears astride on the handle. + +At last, as he paused under the old tree, he heard a familiar croaking +laugh, and found himself unexpectedly in the presence of Snippinbitz, +the friendly goblin. + +"Well, Bartlemy," croaked the being; "and how have you prospered with +the Gold Stone?" + +"Marvellously well, your worship!" replied Bartlemy, in a joyous tone. + +"And you found a crown and a shilling, and a guinea and a crown, +instead of your penny and farthing; did you, Bartlemy?" + +"Why, yes, your worship, I did, certainly." + +"And the Gold Stone changed them, did it, Bartlemy?" + +"Why, yes, your worship; of course it did." + +"Now, Bartlemy," said the goblin, in a confidential tone, laying his +hand on the other's shoulder, "I want to tell you something. It isn't +the Gold Stone!" + +"It's--not--the--Gold--Stone!!" gasped Bartlemy. + +"Why, no, you donkey! there's no such thing!" + +Bartlemy turned fairly green and yellow with horror and disappointment. + +"Listen to me, Bartlemy Bowbell," said the goblin; "nobody but a donkey +would suppose that a round bit of purple glass----" + +"Of purple glass!" repeated Bartlemy, in a sort of dream. + +"Don't interrupt, Bartlemy--that a bit of purple glass could change +copper into gold. Your master paid you the wages your work was worth, +that is all. There is no such preposterous jewel on the face of the +earth as you imagine; but there _is_ a true Gold Stone, and its name is + + 'FAITHFUL INDUSTRY!'" + +As the goblin spoke these words, he suddenly began to change his form, +and grew taller and broader. His bell-button thimbles fell off, his flat +nose became long and sharp, his thread hair gave place to a bald pate, +and his whole appearance became wonderfully like Bartlemy's master. He +raised his yardstick, brought it down with a tremendous +crack--and--Bartlemy WOKE! + +Yes! he was lying under the tree where he had thrown himself down the +night before. The whole of what had passed, Gold Stone, money, goblin, +and all, was but the fantastic tracery of a dream; and above him really +stood his master, who had repented of having turned away his luckless +'prentice, and had come to seek him. + +The lesson was not lost, however, on our hero. He returned to his +master's shop, where he worked diligently, without any yardstick coming +after him; and in three years' time rose to be a master tailor, married +his old master's daughter, cut the coats of the king himself, and took +for his arms a Gold Stone, supported by two shears, and the motto: + + FAITHFUL INDUSTRY. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[A] A shop-board is a kind of table on which tailors sit when +at work. + + + + +THE PHILOSOPHERS' TOUR. + + +THERE were once five learned men, who had been shut up all their lives +in their studies, poking their noses into saucepans full of cookeries, +which did not resemble savory soups or well-flavored ragouts, wearing +their eyes out with reading books printed in the crabbedest black letter +possible, and shrivelling up their brains with thinking, until they +quite rattled inside their skulls, all in pursuit of out-o'-the-way +knowledge. + +There was really nothing scientific with which they were not +acquainted; while, in the mean time, one or two little things, perfectly +familiar to people who use their eyes for the purpose of noticing the +common occurrences and habits of every-day existence, and exercise their +understanding in everything that can make life comfortable and +agreeable, had entirely escaped the observation of our philosophers. + +As the emperor allowed them each a handsome pension to advance the +interests of science, they went on with their discoveries rejoicing, and +for a long time had never stirred from their apartments in one of His +Majesty's country palaces. They scarcely left off thinking, when they +were asleep; never had the least idea what they were eating for dinner, +or even what the materials of that dinner looked like; and, in short, +were sublimely unconscious of any of the ordinary affairs or interests +of life; and thought only of sciences, and high-flown theories of +Health, of Natural Philosophy, Chemistry, Botany, and goodness knows +what beside. The fifth and last of the learned men was supposed to +consider silence as an art or science, since he hardly ever said +anything; and for that reason was thought to be wiser than the other +four put together. + +At last, one fine morning, one of our learned men chanced to poke his +head out of the window, to see what on earth had become of one of his +glass retorts, which he had filled with gas until it went off like a +rocket; and could not help being struck with the blue sky, the fresh +green herbage, and the thousands of beautiful wild flowers that +sprinkled the grass. It was a charming summer day; the birds had not yet +left off singing, and the fresh breeze, fanning the bald forehead of the +philosopher, appeared wonderfully pleasant. + +"Why, bless me!" cried the philosopher, whose name was Dr. Skihi; "while +I have been trying to reduce chemistry to the uses of a penny post, I +never thought of remarking whether it was a pleasant day or not. How +bright and beautiful everything looks! Out-of-doors is a very good sort +of thing, after all. I declare, I've a great mind--pooh! nonsense; +science--glorious science, is a great deal more to be regarded than a +fine day in the country." + +[Illustration: DR. MUMBUDGET LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW.] + +So saying, he drew his head in again, and turned to his books and +saucepans; for, you see, he was trying to condense gas, and make it dart +through the air like a skyrocket, carrying a letter, or a telegraphic +message, or even a traveller with it, if it was made strong enough; but, +so far, he had only succeeded in breaking his retorts, and blowing +himself up till his head came bump against the ceiling, and knocked off +little bits of plaster. Everything in the study looked remarkably dingy +after the freshness of the fields, and the doctor could not refrain +from taking another peep. This time, the contrast appeared even greater +than before, while directly underneath his window there now stood two +pretty little girls, one holding a great bunch of roses and other +blooming flowers, and both intent on a long leaf of manuscript, which +they were puzzling and laughing over, calling it "such a silly thing!" +Our doctor, to his great dudgeon, recognized it as part of a learned +treatise, his own production, which had accidentally blown out of the +window; but, as to be known as the writer of silly things is not +specially dignified, he preferred saying nothing about the matter. + +"I have a great mind," he said again; "yes, I'll go and ask Dr. +Sheepshanks if he does not think it would be a good plan for us to take +a short trip into the country. No doubt we should make some very +important discoveries." + +Excusing the idea to himself in this way, Dr. Skihi toddled up one pair +of stairs and down two pair of stairs, and straight along a crooked +corridor, and all round a square hall, until he arrived at the +apartments of Dr. Sheepshanks. He knocked at the door, and peeped +through the keyhole until he was told to come in, when he opened the +door softly, and shut it with an astonished bang, that made all the +spiders, who were dancing hornpipes in all the corners (for the learned +men would have died rather than have their sacred studies disturbed by +a house-cleaning) stand on one leg for several minutes with surprise, as +a noise in the philosophers' palace was a thing rather more seldom met +with than a crononhotonthologos. + +The sight that caused Dr. Skihi to commit such a breach of good manners +was Dr. Sheepshanks in the very middle of a summersault! with his +flowered dressing gown about his ears and his spindle shanks and black +stockings in the air, looking not unlike a two-legged radish growing +upside down. + +To him rushed Dr. Skihi, who, catching his friend by the tails of his +dressing gown, had him right side up in a hurry, exclaiming, "Crucibles +and gasbags! my good sir, have you gone crazy?" + +"No, indeed," returned Dr. Sheepshanks, with a gleeful laugh. "I have +made a discovery, sir--a great discovery. I happened to look out of the +window, a moment ago, and I saw a couple of little chaps racing up and +down, and playing at that topsy-turvy game you saw me trying just now. +Their cheeks were so fat, and their frames so sturdy, that I feel +convinced such exercises are the best promoters of health in the world; +and as I am getting rather broken down myself, while I am finding out +what is the best way for other people to keep healthy, I thought I would +try the experiment. It does make the blood rush to the head somewhat, I +must confess; but it's a glorious thing, you may depend! I feel twenty +years younger and better already, I assure you!" + +All this time Dr. Sheepshanks was puffing and panting, with a very red +face and astonished air; but the new theory had taken possession of him, +and he would have died at the stake rather than allow that turning +summersaults was not the exercise best adapted to old gentlemen of +sixty. + +Finding his friend so prepossessed in favor of exercise, Dr. Skihi +proposed to him that they should go and take a walk, to which he readily +agreed. Then they went to Dr. Smelfungus, the great botanist, who was +at present trying to graft japonicas on bramble bushes: "It would +improve the appearance of the roadside so much!" and Dr. Van Noostile, +who was writing a splendid work, in twenty-five volumes, to prove that +people's feeling hot and cold was perfect fancy and nonsense; and also +giving a number of scientific ways of finding out whether it would rain +or be clear, and what time o' day it was, without looking to see if the +wind were east, or running to stare at a clock; which, no doubt, would +be of the greatest use to the world, and leave all the weathercocks and +watchmakers quite in the shade. Last of all, they came to Dr. Mumbudget, +who had on his study door the great doorplate you see in the picture, +with his name engraved on it in letters six inches long. As usual, he +said not a word in reply to the invitation of his friends, but nodded +his head at them instead, until he nearly nodded it off; and so, being +all of one mind, our philosophers locked up their studies, put on their +five-cornered caps, and taking their gold-headed canes and their note +books, to be ready to put down any new fact that might turn up, started +off for a country ramble. + +At first they walked along quietly enough, admiring the prospect, and +enjoying the fresh air; but after a few moments, Dr. Sheepshanks could +no longer resist the desire to put his new theory of health into +practice. + +"Really," he began, "it would be much better for us always to pursue our +studies in the open air. Science teaches us that the most healthy people +are the wild Indians--those children of nature, who live under the +trees, dine off fresh fruits, and take plenty of exercise. Let us be +children of nature, my friends, and improve our health by running to +that tree," pointing to one at some distance. + +Accordingly, the philosopher started off at an amble, followed by his +companions, who, with dressing gowns flying in the wind, and books +flying, out of their pockets every minute, presented rather ridiculous +spectacles. They were so deeply engaged that they did not see Dr. +Mumbudget quietly walking along behind, picking up their scattered +property. + +So far so good; but unhappily, not being accustomed to the habits of +children of nature, this sudden introduction to the true mode of life +discomposed our learned doctors in no small degree. Fairly aching from +head to foot with fatigue, Dr. Sheepshanks was the first to pause, so +out of breath that he could hardly speak, yet exclaiming, with a beaming +face, "Ah! you may depend, gentlemen, that the only way to enjoy life is +to take plenty of exercise!" + +This was drawing rather too hard on the patience of his friends, after +what they had just endured, and Dr. Skihi exclaimed, rather crossly, +"At the same time, your exercise is a famous thing to make one thirsty! +I would give a great deal to obtain a drink of spring water; but that is +impossible at present." + +"Impossible! why, there is nothing easier!" said Dr. Smelfungus. +"Science teaches us that some vegetables are nearly all water; turnips, +for instance. All you have to do is to get a turnip and express the +juice, and there's your drink of water." + +"How about going to a well?" said Mumbudget; but nobody appeared to hear +him. + +"And pray, are there any turnips hereabout?" asked the chemist, +impatiently. + +Now, the fact was that Dr. Smelfungus had never seen a turnip; he had +only read in books that turnips were round, watery vegetables, yellow +outside and full of juice; for he was so interested in finding out all +about flowers and plants that came from Australia, and other out of the +way places, that he never troubled his head with common, homemade +turnips--those were too vulgar; but as he wished to appear informed on +all subjects, he pointed hap-hazard to a field beside the road saying, +carelessly, "Certainly; there are some." + +Now, what do you think Dr. Smelfungus had really pointed out? Why, a +musk-melon patch! and as his companions knew no more than himself, Dr. +Skihi scrambled through the hedge without more ado, cut with his +penknife as many as he could carry, and returned to his friends. You may +believe how they enjoyed the feast, sitting on the soft moss, in the +cool shade of the trees; and after they were through, Dr. Smelfungus +gravely wrote down, "Turnip--a large, round vegetable growing on vines, +with a rough, yellow outside, ever so many seeds in the middle, and +tastes of nutmegs!" + +After these exploits, the philosophers continued on their way, and Drs. +Smelfungus and Sheepshanks felt more proud of their learning than ever. +Meanwhile Dr. Mumbudget said nothing; so they gave him credit either for +thinking a great deal, or being too big a donkey to admire such +splendid experiments. + +The sun had now mounted high, and our travellers began to feel its rays +inconveniently warm. Dr. Van Noostile, however, laughed them all to +scorn. + +"Too warm! fiddlestick's end!" he cried. "This feeling warm and cold is +all humbug. Dr. Skihi can tell you that I went to the top of the house +with him every night for a week, last winter, to look at a comet, in +nothing but a night gown and an umbrella, and I never was better in my +life! Other people might have felt cold, or caught cold; but I--I +enjoyed the science of the thing! If you feel too warm, follow my plan; +make up your minds you _won't_ feel so, and the thing's done!" and Dr. +Van Noostile marched proudly along in the hottest part of the road, with +his nose in the air, though the sun blistered the end most abominably! +while the others, not to be behindhand in wisdom, followed his example; +all but Mumbudget, who kept in the shade of the trees growing beside the +road, and was secretly voted a greater donkey than ever. + +Fortunately for the rest, who might otherwise have been sunstruck, a +friendly cloud bank, which had been for some time gathering in the east, +now began to cover the sky completely; and Dr. Mumbudget, speaking for +the second time, just said, "Rain coming; better hurry on," and then +relapsed into silence. + +"Rain! no such thing!" cried Dr. Van Noostile. "When it is about to +rain, you will observe _that the swallows fly low!_ and as I don't see a +sign of a swallow, you may depend that----" His speech was interrupted +by a thunderclap, and then down poured the flood! in one of those +sudden, heavy showers that so often take place in summer, wetting the +whole party to the skin in less than two minutes. It was of no use to +run, and as they plodded along in the wet, our philosophers looked at +Dr. Van Noostile with faces in which anger and dismay were equally +mingled. + +"Is this your knowledge of weather?" exclaimed Dr. Skihi, in a pet. + +"Science teaches us that even a child of nature should go in when it +rains!" snapped Dr. Sheepshanks. + +"And though water is undoubtedly necessary for internal refreshment; +external application, in the form of a hard shower, is only suitable to +plants!" snarled Dr. Smelfungus. + +In short, they all set upon the luckless weather prophet, except Dr. +Mumbudget, who, when they had all scolded themselves out of breath, +quietly pointed out a farm house they were now approaching, and led the +way thither himself. + +There was no need for words. Gladly did the wretched philosophers hasten +to its shelter, and avail themselves of the bright kitchen fire to dry +their flowered dressing gowns, and wet stockings and shoes. While they +were drying, and steaming like the safety valve of a high-pressure +steamboat, the good woman of the house, not without some doubts of their +sanity, set about preparing a savory meal. In a short time this was +ready, and the others were just sitting down to a dish of nice broiled +ham and some light wheaten biscuits, when Dr. Sheepshanks exclaimed, +with an air of amazement, "Is it possible, my friends, that you are +willing to violate the natural laws of health by eating dishes at which +a child of nature would be horrified! Not for me be so degenerate a +meal! _I_ shall lunch on fare such as a wild Indian best loves!" So +saying, he tucked up his sleeves, called for some unground corn, and +having pounded it in a mortar until it was in coarse bits, he mixed with +it a little water, and baked this horrible mess before the fire, in the +hot ashes. Then he asked for a slice of bacon, as venison was not at +hand, frizzled the out side slightly by holding it up on a cleft stick +before the fire, burning his ten fingers several times in the process, +and bearing it with heroic fortitude. Finally, he served up these +atrocious specimens of cookery on pieces of board instead of dishes, as +the proper diet for children of nature--and philosophers! + +As he could not induce the other _savants_ to prefer the luncheon of +wild Indians to that of civilized Christians, Dr. Sheepshanks ate it +all up himself, though, in fact, his rebellious palate steadily refused +to relish the dainties prepared for it. Science must be made to triumph, +however, and the little doctor gallantly charged these "What is It's" of +cookery and finished the last morsel under furious protest of stomach. + +Somewhat comforted by the meal, and seeing that the clouds had given +place to a clear sky, the philosophers resumed their dressing gowns, +woefully shrunken by the wetting and drying they had received, and +having liberally paid their hostess, started on the homeward road; +concluding that they had seen enough for one day. They were in the very +poorest condition for a long walk, for their theories, so far from +making them any happier, had produced only ill effects. Dr. Sheepshanks' +healthful exercise had given them all stitches in the sides, and aches +in the back; Dr. Smelfungus's knowledge of botany had betrayed them into +such excesses of melon alias turnip eating, that various queer doublings +up in the epigastric region began to make themselves apparent; the +natural philosophy, which had led Dr. Van Noostile and his good friends +to parade along the middle of the road in the sun, had given them +furious headaches; and, to crown all, Dr. Skihi now made the most +brilliant proposal of anybody. + +Our good doctor was evidently brimming, one might say creaming, over +with the milk of human kindness; beyond a possible doubt he was about to +propound a discovery of benefit to the whole world. His bald head beamed +benevolence, overflowing beneficence to all mankind radiated from the +very tails of his dressing gown as he cried: + +"My dear friends, you are all too tired to walk home now, ain't you? You +would like to get there before you could say 'Jack Robinson'--now, +wouldn't you? and if I were to accomplish that happy end, you could +never be grateful enough--now, could you?" + +"Certainly not!" exclaimed the advocate of exercise, who wished from his +inmost soul, either that he had taken less turnip, or that the famous +seven league boots were on his legs at that moment. + +"Then all you have to do," cried Dr. Skihi with sparkling eyes, "is to +get in a convenient posture; allow me to set off this retort of mine +behind you--" here he produced a "glass concern" from a side pocket, to +the horror of his friends--"and heigh, presto! you will find yourself +flying home like a skyrocket"-- + +"And coming down like the stick!" gasped Dr. Smelfungus, retiring in a +hurry, for the tails of his dressing gown and the gas retort of Dr. +Skihi were in inconvenient proximity. + +Dr. Skihi vouchsafed not another word, but with an air of indescribable +dignity adjusted the retort, took out a cork--and--but words fail me to +describe the catastrophe! Before Dr. Mumbudget could rush forward to +prevent it, the gas had come in contact with the air, become inflamed +instantly, and sent Dr. Skihi whirling above the heads of his friends! + +Vesuvius in eruption, coal mines on fire, mad bulls in the full rush, +and crackers exploding in a barrel, rushed wildly through the heads of +our philosophers, and when, finally, the rocket-riding doctor was +discharged on a hayrick, the only person who retained sufficient +presence of mind to go and pick him up was Mumbudget. + +Poor Dr. Skihi! The victim to science remained insensible for some +time; and when he finally recovered his consciousness, could not at +first be persuaded that he was not in innumerable pieces. When he was, +at last, enabled to walk on, it was discovered that while they were +experimenting they had lost their way, and might be close to home or in +the middle of Kamtschatka for all they knew of the road. It was again +Mumbudget who helped them out of this difficulty, by speaking for the +third time that day; and this third remark of the sage was as much to +the point as the two first. "Ask somebody!" propounded Mumbudget, and +after hobbling miserably along for some time, this somebody turned up in +the person of a very small, ragged, dirty urchin; and under the +guidance of this contemptible little snipe did our prodigies of wisdom +arrive at last at the abode of Science and Knowledge! + +As they entered the hall, Dr. Smelfungus, with an admiring glance at the +speechless Mumbudget, exclaimed, "After all, gentlemen, there must be a +science far higher than ours, since we, with all our knowledge, find +practical life a matter of such difficulty. Only one man, it appears, is +master of it, and there he stands!" and he made a low bow to Mumbudget, +who returned it by another, without a word of reply. + +Dr. Skihi, at this, glanced with profound contempt at Smelfungus, and +gave a "hum!" that was echoed by the professor of health and him of +natural science; then raising himself on the tips of his toes, and +seesawing up and down at every word, he inquired, superciliously, "And +pray, sir, may I ask, in the name of my scientific friends, what branch +of science you profess, which is superior to every other?" + +Mumbudget looked with a quiet smile at the excited little doctor, and +replied, calmly: + +"Gentlemen, I am the professor of COMMON SENSE." + +At this reply, the learned friends, Smelfungus not excepted, presented a +series of remarkably open countenances, as respected eyes and mouths, +while Dr. Mumbudget went on: + +"Chemistry, Botany, Natural Philosophy, and Hygienics--all put together, +gentlemen, have failed to ensure us one day of rational enjoyment or +ease; for all these sciences are pure absurdities, unless they are put +in the hands of men who are governed by the wholesome dictates of common +sense. My wise philosophers, will you come to school to me?" + +The doctors gazed a moment yet; first at the proposer of this new +doctrine, then at each other; and then, all rushing forward at once, +they seized his hands. + +"You are right, my dear Mumbudget!" they exclaimed in a breath; "with +all our science we are most greatly in want of common sense! Open your +school at once; we will be the first to join its classes, and celebrate +the triumph of Reason over Philosophy!" + + + THE END OF THE FIFTH BOOK. + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Notes: + +Obvious punctuation errors repaired. + +Page 95, "irrisistibly" changed to "irresistibly" (it--irresistibly--to) + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Funny Big Socks, by Sarah L. 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