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diff --git a/29522-8.txt b/29522-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1bd412f --- /dev/null +++ b/29522-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2243 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +December 23, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, December 23, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 27, 2009 [EBook #29522] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 147. + + DECEMBER 23, 1914. + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +An exceptionally well-informed Berlin newspaper has discovered that, +owing to the war, Ireland is suffering from a horse famine, and many of +the natives are now to be seen driving cattle. + + * * * + +An appeal is being made in Germany for cat-skins for the troops. In +their Navy, on the other hand, they often get the cat itself. + + * * * + +In offering congratulations to the "Green Howards" on the work they have +been doing at the Front, Major-General CAPPER said, "I knew it was a +regiment I could hang my hat on at any time of the day or night." The +expression is perhaps a little unfortunate; it sounds as if they had +been pegging out. + + * * * + +Private F. NAILOR, of the Royal Berkshires, was at his home at Sandhurst +last week when the postman brought a letter from the War Office +reporting that he had been killed in action. While his being alive is, +of course, in these circumstances an act of gross insubordination, the +Army Council will, we understand, content itself with an intimation that +it must not happen again. + + * * * + +A cigar presented by the KAISER to Lord LONSDALE has been sold at Henley +in aid of the local Red Cross Hospital, and has become the property of a +butcher at the price of £14 10s. Will it, we wonder, now be inscribed, +"From a brother butcher"? + + * * * + +According to the _Berliner Tageblatt_ Western Australia is interning her +alien enemies on "Rottnest Island." If there is anything in a name, this +does seem a rather unhappy choice, in view of the well-known +sensitiveness of the German. + + * * * + +It is curious how in war time really important occurrences are apt to +escape one's notice. For example, it was not until we read an article in +a contemporary last week on "The Demise of the Slim Skirt" that we +realised that Fat Skirts were now the vogue. + + * * * + +Of all forms of cruelty the most hideous is that which is perpetrated on +defenceless little children, and we hear with regret that the Register +of Births in Liverpool now includes the following names:--Kitchener +Ernest Pickles, Jellicoe Jardine, French Donaldson, and Joffre Venmore. + + * * * + +With reference to our recent remarks about Mr. J. WARD'S so-called mixed +metaphor of a horse bolting with money, a gentlemen writes to us from +Epsom to say that he has personally put money on more than one horse +which bolted. + + * * * + +The War would certainly seem to have led to better feeling in the Labour +world between masters and men, and from a recent paragraph in _The Daily +Mail_ we learn that there is now a London Association of Master +Decorators. The idea is a pretty one. Iron Crosses, perhaps? + + * * * + +The War has worked other wonders. Not the least of these, a Stock +Exchange friend points out, is that lots of Bulls and Bears are now +comrades in arms. + + * * * + +"NEW PHASE IN RUSSIA. +GERMANS CHANGING THEIR DISPOSITIONS." + +_Daily Mail._ + +We are glad to hear this, for they used to have simply beastly ones. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: + +_Orderly._ "YOUR MAJESTY, I HAVE BEEN SENT TO ASK FOR DETAILED +INSTRUCTIONS ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS DINNER TO BE HELD AT BUCKINGHAM +PAL----" + +_Wilhelm_.----! ----!! + + * * * * * + +Another secret revealed by Mr. HAMILTON FYFE:-- + + "As usual when they take the initiative, the Russian troops swept + the enemy before them. They first cleared out the trenches and then + pursued the Germans."--_Daily Mail._ + +In the West we still cling to the old-fashioned method of first clearing +out the Germans and then pursuing the trenches. + + * * * * * + +SOME LITERARY WAR-NOTES. + +MESSRS. HARRAP have just brought out _William the Silent_. This is not a +biography of the KAISER. + + * * * * * + +Nor is _The Hound of Heaven_, a new edition of which is announced by +Messrs. CHATTO AND WINDUS. + + * * * * * + +Mr. EDWARD CRESSY'S _Discoveries and Inventions of the Twentieth +Century_ makes no mention, curiously enough, of the WOLFF Bureau. We +look in vain, too, among the Yuletide publications for a book of Fairy +Tales by WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN. This does not speak well for the +alertness of our publishers. + + * * * * * + +Messrs. JACK, we see, have produced a _Life of Nelson_. It is now, we +consider, up to Messrs. NELSON to produce a volume with some such title +as _We All Love Jack_. + + * * * * * + +At last the Germans are reported to have scored a little success in the +United States. An American coon is said to have been so much impressed +by the achievements of the Germans that he has sent a song to the +KAISER, the opening words of which are "My Hunny!" + + * * * * * + +The War is responsible for a splendid boom in the study of geography. An +English lady who visited some of the Belgian wounded at a certain London +hospital the other day asked one of them where he was hit, and on +receiving the reply, "_Au pied_," is said to have spent hours trying to +find the place on the map. + + * * * * * + +Which reminds us that, owing to the new names which the various +belligerents are giving to towns which they have conquered (like +Lemberg) or temporarily occupied (like Ostend), several map-makers are +reported to be suffering from nervous breakdown. + + * * * * * + +The Kaiser's Thanks. + + "The Archbishop of York and Germany." + + _Heading in "Edinburgh Evening Despatch."_ + +Other pluralists, like the Bishop of SODOR AND MAN, are not at all +jealous, nor are we at all surprised. + + * * * * * + + "They drank the full-flavoured soup with scarcely a sound."--_The + Story-Teller._ + +Another example of true British refinement. + + * * * * * + +THE OLD SEA-ROVER SPEAKS. + + [Referring to our victory off the Falkland Islands, the _Tägliche + Rundschau_ remarks: "On board our North Sea ships our sailors will + clench their teeth and all hearts will burn with the feeling, + 'England the enemy! Up and at the enemy!'" The gallant bombardment + of defenceless towns on our East Coast would appear to be the + immediate outcome of this intelligent attitude.] + + Behind your lock-gates stowed away, + Out of the great tides' ebb and flow, + How could you guess, this many a day, + Who was your leading naval foe? + But now you learn, a little late-- + So loud the rumours from the sea grow-- + England's the thing you have to hate, + And not (for instance) Montenegro. + + The facts are just as you've been told; + Further disguise would be but vain; + We have a _penchant_ from of old + For being masters on the main; + It is a custom which we caught + From certain sea-kings who begat us, + And that is why we like the thought + That you propose to "up and at" us. + + Come where you will--the seas are wide; + And choose your Day--they're all alike; + You'll find us ready where we ride + In calm or storm and wait to strike; + But--if of shame your shameless Huns + Can yet retrieve some casual traces-- + Please fight our men and ships and guns, + Not women-folk and watering-places. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +No. XI. + +(_From the GERMAN CROWN PRINCE_.) + +MOST INTERNALLY (_INNIGST_) BELOVED FATHER,--Here in my headquarters we +learnt with sorrow that you have been suffering from a bronchial +catarrh. Anxious as we were at first, our minds were relieved when we +heard that you had behaved very violently to those about you, for in +that we recognised our good old father as we knew him from long since, +and we said to ourselves that you could not fail soon to be in the +saddle again with all your accustomed energy. And now comes the report +that you are indeed yourself again, like _Richard III_, in our great +German, SHAKSPEARE. + +Now that all danger is past I cannot forbear giving you from my heart a +word of warning, begging you not with rashness to risk your so valuable +life. Do not laugh and imagine that I am pulling your leg (_dass ich Dir +das Bein ziehe_). Nothing is further from my thoughts; I am quite +serious. You must remember that you are not so young as you were and +that this rushing to and fro between France and Poland, which to a man +of my age would be a mere trifle, bringing with it only enjoyment, must +be for a man who is between fifty and sixty a task well calculated to +search out and expose his corporeally weak points so as to bring +satisfaction, not to us, but to the enemy. Such a burden must no longer +be placed only upon your back, for there are others whose bones are +young and who are willing to share it with you. Why should we be +compelled to sit still or merely to beat our back with fists while you, +dear Father, undergo these too terrible fatigues? I myself, for +instance, if I may say so with the most humble respect, am ready to +represent you in all departments whenever you call upon me. I can +scatter any number of Iron Crosses, and am willing to make speeches +which will prove to our hated enemies, as well as to America and Italy, +that God is the good old friend of our HOHENZOLLERN family and that He +will pay no attention (why should He?) to anything that the English, the +French, the Russians, the Servians and the Belgians may say. Is it not +lucky for the Austrians and the Turks that they are on our side and can +share in the high protection that we enjoy? To save you trouble I would +even go so far as to open a session of the _Reichstag_, though for my +own part I never could see much use in that absurd institution. Still we +have it now under our thumb (_unter unserem Daumen_), and even the +Socialists are ready to feed out of our hands and to allow us to kick +them about the floor. He who says that war is barbarous and useless can +learn by this example that it is not so. If you wish me to invite one or +two Socialists (not more) to a State dinner I will even go so far as +that. You see how deeply prepared I am to oblige you. And if you want to +finish your cure by taking a complete rest from the serious work of +being Commander-in-Chief, even in that point I am not unwilling to +sacrifice myself to the highest interests of the Fatherland by replacing +your august person both in the field and in the council chamber. You +have only to say the word and I shall be there. + +May I now add a few words about the War? Somehow it does not seem that +we are getting on as we have been led to expect. Mind, I am not blaming +anybody, certainly not your most gracious fatherly Majesty, but I must +say that all the books which we were told to read showed us quite a +different war, a war laid out on the system of 1870. At this stage, in +1870, everything was over except the siege of Paris and the shouting, +but now we do not appear to be making progress anywhere. Why do these +degenerate races hold back our holy and with-love-of-Fatherland-inspired +troops? Perhaps the new MOLTKE has not been quite so sure in his touch +or so triumphant in his plans as the old one--but then that ought not to +have made much difference, because you and I have been there to keep him +straight. FALKENHAYN, no doubt, might have been expected to do better, +for you had opened your whole mind to him, but he too seems only able to +knock his head against a stone wall (_seinen Kopf gegen eine Mauer +stossen_) and the result is that we are everywhere getting it in the +neck (_dass wir es überall in dem Hals kriegen_), and that process is +not pleasant for a true Hohenzollern. It is possible that RUPERT OF +BAVARIA has been allowed to talk too much. One CROWN PRINCE is enough +even for a German army. Have you any idea what we ought to do to secure +victory somewhere? + +I am sending you a box of lozenges, which I have always found excellent +for a cough. I beg also that you will not forget how efficacious is +flannel when worn next to the skin. + + Your most devoted Son, + WILHELM, KRONPRINZ. + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE GIFTS. + +I. THE MOTTLE. + +A new and ingenious development of the old-fashioned hot-water bottle. +The ordinary hot-water bottle warms but a small portion of the bed. The +Mottle, possessing a motor attachment, can be wound up and it will then +travel all over the bed, diffusing an agreeable warmth everywhere. May +be used as an engine in the nursery by day. _33s. 6d._ The CHESTERTON, +for large-size beds, _44s. 11d._ This kind also makes an excellent gift +for soldiers in the trenches. It will travel half-a-mile before +requiring further petrol. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: FULFILMENT. + +AUSTRIA. "I SAID ALL ALONG THIS WAS GOING TO BE A PUNITIVE +EXPEDITION." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: 1 THE STEAM-ROLLER (ENGLISH) AT WORK. + +Illustration: 2 "NOTHING, MADAM, I ASSURE YOU--DIDN'T FEEL IT." + +Illustration: 3 THE PATRIOTIC MIND AT WORK. + +Illustration: 4 "BUT, YOUNG MAN, IF YOU CAN STAND HARDSHIPS LIKE THAT, +HOW IS IT YOU ARE NOT AT THE FRONT?" + + * * * * * + +LIGHT REFRESHMENT: AN INTERLUDE. + +BY SPECIAL CONSTABLE XXX. + +I was sitting grimly in my sentry-box guarding a power station and a +sausage factory. The latter is considered to be a likely point of attack +on the part of the Huns. Should it be destroyed, a vital source of food +supply for our army (they would reason) would be cut off. + +Incidentally, the sausage factory is much more exciting to guard than +the electric light works. One sees the raw material arriving and being +unloaded. One sees the sausage king swishing up in his richly-appointed +limousine, giving porkly orders to his deferential subordinates, and +then whisking off--no doubt to confer with the War Office. + +An old lady with a million wrinkles approached me and seemed desirous of +entering into conversation. We are strictly forbidden to talk with +civilians unless first accosted. After that it is a matter for +individual discretion. + +I therefore left it to her to make the first advance. She began: "'Ave +you got to sit there the 'ole of the afternoon, dearie?" + +I confirmed that apprehension. + +"Well, I do call it a shame; and you looking so blue with the cold." + +With that I was in cordial agreement. + +"Are they going to bring you tea, dearie, at 'arf-time?" + +Alas, no. Under sergeant's sanction we might be permitted to buy a +pork-pie from opposite, but this must be taken as unofficial and in +confidence. + +"What are you waiting for?" she asked. + +"Zeppelins, Madam," I replied. + +"Zeppelins--what would they be?" + +She nodded a vigorous understanding of my explanation. + +"And when they drop their nasty bombs, what will you do then, dearie?" + +Our orders were to draw our truncheons, arrest them and convey them to +the nearest police-station. I made this very clear. + +"And what do you think they will do to them?" + +I considered that they would get at least a month with hard labour, and +no option of a fine. + +"I should think so! The brutes--trying to take away the poor man's food! +And as for that CROWN PRINCE, when you get 'im, just you 'it 'im right +over the 'ead with your truncheon!" + +We are not allowed to hit over the head on ordinary occasions, but in +the case of the CROWN PRINCE attacking (and conceivably looting) our +sausage factory, no doubt the rule would be relaxed. I undertook to +follow her advice, and she left greatly relieved. + + * * * * * + +A CAPTURE. + +Even without his khaki I should have known the wee lieutenant for an +infant in arms, and I began to hope, directly I had been detached by our +hostess to cover his left wing, that he was that happy warrior for whom +I was seeking. He saw me looking at the red ribbon which adorned the +left wing in question and which our gardener's wife told me the other +day was "a poor trumpery sort of thing if KITCHENER meant it as an +honour to them." + +"I'm not a kicker," he assured me, and I let him talk inoculation +happily until we commenced to move forward in files. + +"You live here, don't you?" he said as soon as Maria (not black) had +served us with soup, and when I assented his next remark made me +hopeful. + +"And you know all the people round here, I suppose?" + +"Nearly everyone I should think within five miles of the village." + +"I've been here a fortnight and this is the first time I have been +out--not out-of-doors, of course--I mean meeting people." + +At that moment my neighbour upon the left commenced a bombardment which +interrupted us but, when a pause came at last, the wee lieutenant broke +it in a low and solemn voice. + +"I suppose you couldn't tell me why a deaf man can't tickle nine +children?" + +So suddenly had matters come to a head that I sat staring, and the wee +lieutenant, misunderstanding my interest, grew red. + +"I'm not mad, really and truly, but that thing is positively getting on +my brain. I'm not very keen on riddles and so forth, but I happened to +hear someone ask that one the other day, and I didn't catch the answer. +Somehow it has worried me ever since. Why can't he tickle them?" + +I shook my head. "I never saw anybody attempt it, deaf or otherwise. +Hadn't you better ask the person who propounded the question?" + +"I--I can't very well--I wish I could. I thought, if you knew the answer +to the riddle, you might know the person who asked it. It's very hard to +get to know people by yourself, isn't it?" + +I lured him into the open. "How did you come to hear it?" + +He pondered in silence for a moment with his frank eyes bent upon his +plate. + +"I don't mind telling you, but I shouldn't like everyone to know; they +might think me a bit of a fool." + +I promised discretion. + +"Well, the other morning I was up on the common kicking a football about +with some of the men--it's good for them and keeps them from getting too +much beer, and I like it myself--football, I mean, not beer--and some +people came and sat down to watch on the roller, and there was a Yellow +Jersey among them." + +"But what a curious place for a cow--on a roller." + +The wee lieutenant twinkled. "And she was rather nice, you know." + +I nodded, thinking to myself that this young man would never make "an +Eye-Witness with Headquarters," whatever else the fortunes of war might +bring him. + +"Well, that evening we were out scouting, trying to find out where a +party of cavalry had got to that had been reported coming out from +King's Langley to take us by surprise, and when I got to a cottage with +its blinds down and a light inside I peeped in, and there were two or +three people, and she was there, and, of course, I had to knock to ask +if any cavalry had gone by." + +"And she didn't come to the door!" + +"No, you're right there; somebody else did, but I heard my one--I mean +the Jersey one--I mean the Yellow one--ask somebody that riddle; but the +person--the sister or whatever she was who came to the door--finished me +off before I heard the answer, and somehow or other it's been running +through my head ever since. It isn't the girl, you know, it's--it's the +aggravation of it. I asked our sergeant the other day and he doesn't +know. One of these days I shall be giving it as an order--'Deaf section! +Tickle nine children!' Do you--do you know who lives in that cottage?" + +"Nobody." + +"But she--they were there that night." + +"Yes, but they don't really live there. We call them the Swallows +because they migrate so much. Baby Swallow is very pretty, isn't she? +and, by-the-by, she's rather afraid that you may be worrying about that +riddle." + +"Me--I?" + +This was the moment for which I had been waiting, but the wee lieutenant +took cover, hunting his dessert fork on the floor long after Maria had +brought up reinforcements. + +"Why, yes, she ought to have said, 'dumb,' not 'deaf.' I've forgotten +the answer--something about 'gesticulate.' She's coming to tea with me +to-morrow. Would you like me to ask her what the answer is, and write it +down for you?" + +Our hostess gave the signal for our half company to retire, the other +half to stay down in the smoke, and I added, as I went out, "That will +lay the riddle nicely, won't it? If it had been the girl and not the +aggravation, I should have asked you to tea too." + +The wee lieutenant surrendered at that, blushing above the door-handle. + +"I--I--I say, I should like to get the answer first-hand. Won't you ask +me to tea, please?" + +I don't yet know what it feels like to capture a prisoner of war, but +that's how I assisted at the taking of a prisoner of love. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: + +_The Jester._ "HALLO, SONNY! CHOOSIN' YER TURKEY?" + +_Diminutive Patriot._ "GARN! YER DON'T CATCH ME 'AVIN' TURKEY THESE +DAYS. WY, I'D AS SOON EAT A GERMAN SAUSAGE!" + + * * * * * + +KEEPING IN THE LIMELIGHT. + +It was a grand meeting of the literary gents. They had all heard about +the War from their publishers, and there had been one or two suggestive +allusions in _The Author_. The question of the moment was, "How can we +help?" The chairman was the President of the Society of Authors, who +knew everybody by sight. + +The first to rise was Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, but he failed to catch the +Chairman's eye, which had been secured by Mr. H. G. WELLS. This +well-known strategist rose to point out that what England wanted in the +event of an invasion was the man, the gun and the trench. When he said +man he meant an adult male of the human species. A gun was a firearm +from which bullets were discharged by an explosion of gunpowder. A +trench, he averred, amid loud protests from the ex-Manager of the +Haymarket Theatre, was a long narrow cut in the earth. He had already +pointed out these facts to the War Office, but had received no reply. +Apparently Earl KITCHENER required time for the information to soak in. +Was it or was it not a national scandal? His new nov---- (Deleted by +Chairman). + +After a little coaxing, Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS was persuaded to rise to his +feet. He said deferentially in the first place that he was not a savage. +(General cheering, in which might be detected a note of sincere relief.) +He lived at Torquay. (Oh, oh.) He had never been to London before, and +was surprised to find it such a large place. (General silence.) He had +been a pacifist--(Hear, hear)--but he now thought the GERMAN EMPEROR was +a humbug. He wished it to be known that his attitude was now one of +great 'umbleness. The war could go on as far as he was concerned. +(Applause.) Although he had given up writing about Dartmoor he had that +morning applied for the post of Military Member of the Invasion +Committee of the Torquay Division of Devonshire. (Profound sensation.) +He didn't know if he should get it, but his friend, Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT, +with whom he used once to collab---- (Deleted by Chairman). + +Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE then took the floor, but was interrupted by the +arrival of the Military Member of the Invasion Committee of the +Thorpe-le-Soken Division of Essex. + +Hanging his feathered helmet on the door-peg and thrusting his sword and +scabbard into the umbrella-stand, Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT took a seat at the +table, afterwards putting out his chest. Mr. WELLS was observed to sink +into an elaborately assumed apathy. But in his eyes was a bitter envy. + +Mr. BENNETT, after clearing his throat, said that he had settled the +War. Everybody was to do what they were told and what that was would be +told them in due course. He and the War Office had had it out. He had +insisted on something being done, and the War Office, which wasn't such +a fool as some authors thought (with a meaning look at Mr. WELLS), had +been most affable. Everything now was all right. His next book was to be +a war nov---- (Deleted by Chairman). + +Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE then rose to his feet simultaneously with Mr. WM. LE +QUEUX. + +Mr. WM. LE QUEUX said that he owned an autograph portrait of the KAISER. +It was signed "Yours with the belt, BILL." The speaker would sell it on +behalf of the War Funds and humbly apologised to his brother authors for +having knocked about so much in his youth with emperors and persons of +that kind. It should not occur again. He pointed out that he had +foretold this War, and that his famous book, _The Great War_ +of--whenever it was--was to be brought up to date in the form of ---- +(Deleted by Chairman). + +At this juncture it was brought to the Chairman's notice that Mr. H. G. +WELLS was missing. An anxious search revealed the fact that the +ornamental sword and plumed casque of the Military Member of the +Invasion Committee of the Thorpe-le-Soken Division of Essex had +disappeared at the same time, and the meeting broke up in disorder. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE SUPREME TEST. + +_The Civilian._ "I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. FANCY MARCHIN' THIRTY MILES +WITH THE RIFLE, AND THAT PACK ON YER BACK!" + +_The Tommy_. "YES, AND MIND YOU--IT'S TIPPERARY ALL THE WAY!" + + * * * * * + + Our Sporting Press Again. "Sporting rifles have been bought in Paris + for pheasant-shooting."--_Daily News._ + + * * * * * + +THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. + +I was sitting in front of the fire--dozing, I daresay--when he was +announced. + +"Father Christmas." + +He came in awkwardly and shook me by the hand. + +"Forgive my unceremonious entry," he said. "I know I ought to have come +down the chimney, but--well, _you_ understand." + +"Things are different this year," I suggested. + +"Very different," he said gloomily. He put his sack down and took a seat +on the other side of the fire-place. + +"Anything for me?" I wondered, with an eye on the sack between us. + +"Ah, there's no difference _there_," he said, brightening up as he drew +out a big flat parcel. "The blotter from Aunt Emily. You needn't open it +now; it's exactly the same as last year's." + +I had been prepared for it. I took a letter from my pocket and dropped +it in the sack. + +"My letter of thanks for it," I explained. "Exactly the same as last +year's too." + +Father Christmas sighed and gazed into the fire. + +"All the same," he said at last, "it's different, even with your Aunt +Emily." + +"Tell me all about it. To begin with, why didn't you come down the +chimney?" + +"The reindeer." He threw up his hands in despair. "Gone!" + +"How?" + +"Filleted." + +I looked at him in surprise. + +"Or do I mean 'billeted'?" he said. "Anyway, the War Office did it." + +"Requisitioned, perhaps." + +"That's it. They requisitioned 'em. What you and I would call taking +'em." + +"I see. So you have to walk. But you could still come down the chimney." + +"Well, I _could_; but it would mean climbing up there first. And that +wouldn't seem so natural. It would make it more like a practical joke, +and I haven't the heart for practical jokes this year, when nobody +really wants me at all." + +"Not want you?" I protested. "What rubbish!" + +Father Christmas dipped his hand into his sack and brought out a card of +greeting. Carefully adjusting a pair of horn spectacles to his nose he +prepared to read. + +"Listen to this," he said. "It's from Alfred to Eliza." He looked at me +over his glasses. "I don't know if you know them at all?" + +"I don't think so." + +"An ordinary printed card with robins and snow and so forth on it. And +it says"--his voice trembled with indignation--"it says, 'Wishing you a +very happy ----' Censored, Sir! Censored, at _my_ time of life. There's +your War Office again." + +"I think that's a joke of the publisher's," I said soothingly. + +"Oh, if it's humour, I don't mind. Nobody is more partial to mirth and +jollity than I am." He began to chuckle to himself. "There's my joke +about the 'rain, dear'; I don't know if you know that?" + +I said I didn't; he wanted cheering up. But though he was happy while he +was telling it to me he soon became depressed again. + +"Look here," I said sternly, "this is absurd of you. Christmas is +chiefly a children's festival. Grown-ups won't give each other so many +presents this year, but we shall still remember the children, and we +shall give you plenty to do seeing after _them_. Why," I went on +boastfully, "you've got four of my presents in there at this moment. The +book for Margery, and the box of soldiers, and the Jumping Tiger +and----" + +Father Christmas held up his hand and stopped me. + +"It's no good," he said, "you can't deceive _me_. After a good many +years at the business I'm rather sensitive to impressions." He wagged a +finger at me. "Now then, uncle. Was your whole heart in it when you +bought that box of soldiers, or did you do it with an effort, telling +yourself that the children mustn't be forgotten--and knowing quite well +that you _had_ forgotten them?" + +"One has a--a good deal to think about just now," I said uneasily. + +"Oh, I'm not blaming you; everybody's the same; but it makes it much +less jolly for _me_, that's all. You see, I can't help knowing. Why, +even your Aunt Emily, when she bought you that delightful blotter ... +which you have your foot on ... even _she_ bought it in a different way +from last year's. Last year she gave a lot of happy thought to it, and +decided in the middle of the night that a blotter was the one thing you +wanted. This year she said, 'I suppose he'd better have his usual +blotter, or he'll think I've forgotten him.' Kind of her, of course (as, +no doubt, you've said in your letter), but not the jolly Christmas +spirit." + +"I suppose not," I said. + +Father Christmas sighed again and got up. + +"Well, I must be trotting along. Perhaps next year they'll want me +again. Good-bye." + +"Good-bye. You're quite sure there's nothing else for me?" + +"Quite sure," he said, glancing into his bag. "Hallo, what's this?" + +He drew out a letter. It had O.H.M.S. on it, and was addressed to +"Father Christmas." + +"For me? Fancy my not seeing that before. Whatever can it be?" He fixed +his spectacles again and began to read. + +"A commission, perhaps," I said humorously. + +"It _is_ a commission!" he cried excitedly. "To go to the Front and +deliver Christmas presents to the troops! They've got hundreds of +thousands all ready for them!" + +"And given in what spirit?" I smiled. + +"Ah, my boy! No doubt about the spirit of _that_." He slung his sack on +to his shoulder and faced me--his old jolly self again. "This will be +something like. I suppose I shall have the reindeer again for this. Did +I ever tell you the joke--ah! so I did, so I did. Well, good night to +you." + +He hurried out of the room chuckling to himself. I sat down in front of +the fire again, but in a moment he was back. + +"Just thought of something very funny," he said, "Simply had to come +back and tell you. The troops--hee-hee-hee--won't have any stockings to +hang up, so--ha-ha-ha--they'll have to hang up their puttees! Ha-ha! +Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!" + +He passed through the door again, and his laughter came rolling down the +passage. + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: FOR ALL PERSONS. + +I KNIT. + +THOU KNITTEST. + +HE KNITS. + +WE KNIT. + +_YOU_ KNIT. + +THEY KNIT. + + * * * * * + +THE SUPPRESSED SUPERMAN. + +"What are you reading, Arthur?" I said. + +"NIETZSCHE," said Arthur. + +I sneezed in response. "Isn't that the chap," I said, "who's really +responsible for the war?" + +"People like you think so," he said. + +"The reading of philosophy," I said, "was never in my line. Give me the +exact sciences; EUCLID for me every time." + +"Hopelessly moth-eaten," said he. "Most of the schools have dropped him +in favour of geometry." + +"Bah," I said, "a quibble. But tell me, wasn't it NIETZSCHE who taught +the Germans to think they were supermen or whatever you call 'em?" + +"Contrary to the opinion of the man in the street," said Arthur, looking +at me rather meaningly, "NIETZSCHE did not write merely for the benefit +of German people, nor did he approve, I should say, of the German idea +of culture. You've been reading the evening papers; you're a wallower, +that's what you are." + +"I'm afraid," I said, "you also consider yourself a bit of a superman." + +"I admit," he said, "that I've gone a long way." + +"Towards Tipperary?" + +"Beyond you," he said, tapping the page of NIETZSCHE he was reading; +"we're not on the same plane." + +"You can always get out and change," I said. + +"Such flippancy," said Arthur, "is unbecoming in a lance corporal. What +you want is a course of philosophy." + +"What you want," I said, "is a course of musketry." Arthur, who, like +me, is rising forty-six, is sound enough for home defence, but isn't in +any Force yet. So, being a lance corporal in the "United Arts" myself, I +feel I can throw advice of this sort at him freely. + +"I'm going to give you a mental prescription," he said, taking out a +pencil and scribbling on an envelope. "Have you read this--LUDOVICI'S +_Who is to be Master of the World_?" + +"No, I haven't," I said; "but I can tell you who isn't going to be--in +once." + +"The Japanese," said Arthur, "think a lot of it." + +"I've got a pal," I said, "who'd dearly enjoy a few rounds of mental +jiu-jitsu with you. He's got rather advanced ideas." + +"Advanced!" said Arthur contemptuously. "We Nietzscheans speak only of +being 'complete' or 'nearer completion.'" + +It was at this point that Alfred joined in. He was sitting in uniform on +the other side of the fire, reading _Ruff's Guide_. + +"Who's that talking about poor old LUDOVICI?" he asked. + +For a moment I was afraid Alfred thought that LUDOVICI was a horse. + +"I was recommending him to this shining light of the Burlington House +brigade," said Arthur. + +Alfred laughed. "Look here, young fellow," he said, "everybody knows +that he (pointing to me) is an antediluvian; but you've gone a bit off +the boil yourself, haven't you?" + +"What do you mean?" said Arthur, looking rather pained. + +"Many Continental theories," said Alfred, "when they die, go to Oxford. +I'm afraid your friend LUDOVICI'S theory has been sent down even from +there. Have you read Barrow's _Fallacy of the Nietzschean doctrine_?" + +"N-no," said Arthur. + +"Or Erichsen's _Completion of Self?_ You can get the paper edition for a +bob." + +"I'm sorry to say I haven't," said Arthur, who looked sadly chap-fallen. +"But I will. However, for the moment I've got a meeting on--our literary +club, you know." + +"I'm coming round to raid you one night," I said, "to see if you're all +registered." + +For reply Arthur slammed the door behind him. + +"Alfred," I said, when Arthur had left the house, "you astound me. Who +are these new friends and their philosophies, Barrow and the Danish +fellow, what's his name?" + +"Mere inventions," said Alfred, "but they served." + +"Then the fat's in the fire," I said; "he'll find out that you've been +pulling his leg before lunch-time to-morrow." + +"That's all right," said Alfred. "Our lot's booked for Pirbright +to-morrow morning, and we shan't meet again till the other side of +Peace." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: AN ECHO FROM EAST AFRICA. + +_Sentry_ (_until lately behind the counter in Nairobi, to person +approaching post_). "HALT! ADVANCE ONE, AND SIGN THE COUNTERFOIL!" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE CHILDREN'S TRUCE. + +PEACE. "I'M GLAD THAT THEY, AT LEAST, HAVE THEIR CHRISTMAS UNSPOILED." + + * * * * * + +THE PRIZE. + + With ivy wreathed, a hundred lights + Shone out; the Convent play was finished; + The waning term this night of nights + To a few golden hours diminished. + + Again the curtain rose. Outshone + The childish frocks and childish tresses + Of the late cast that had put on + Demureness and its party dresses. + + Rustled a-row upon the stage + Big girls and little, ranged in sizes, + All waiting for the Personage + To make the speech and give the prizes. + + And there, all rosy from her _rôle_, + Betsey with sturdy valiance bore her, + Nor did she recognize a soul + But braved the buzzing room before her + + With such resolve that guest on guest, + And many a smiling nun behind them, + Met her eyes obviously addressed + To proving that she did not mind them. + + (So might a kitchen-kitten see-- + Whose thoughts round housemaids' heels are centred-- + The awful drawing-room's company + He inadvertently has entered.) + + Swift from her side the girlish crowd, + With lovely smiles and limber graces, + Went singly, took their prizes, bowed, + Returning sweetly to their places. + + Then "Betsey-Jane!" and all the rout + (Her hidden mother grown romantic) + Beheld that little craft put out + Upon the polished floor's Atlantic. + + The Personage bestowed her prize, + And Betsey, lowly as the others, + Bowed o'er her sandals, raised her eyes + Alight with pride--and met her mother's! + + She thrust between the honoured row + Before her in her glad elation; + Her school-mates gasped to see her go; + The nuns divined her destination; + + The guests made way. Clap following clap + Acclaimed Convention's overleaping + As Betsey gained her mother's lap + And gave the prize into her keeping. + + * * * * * + +Royalties We Have Never Met. + +I. THE EMPEROR WILLIAMS. + + "The Emperor Williams, who was reported to have been at Breslau ... + seems to have returned to Berlin."--_Evening Despatch._ + + * * * * * + +Illustration: + +_At the "Spotted Dog."_ "I 'EAR THERE BE TWO HUNDRED +SOLDIERS--BORDERERS, THEY CALLS 'EM--'AVE COME 'ERE. DO YER RECKON +THEY'LL BE FOR US OR AGIN' US, JARGE?" + + * * * * * + +ON EARTH--PEACE. + + Judge of the passionate hearts of men, + God of the wintry wind and snow, + Take back the blood-stained year again, + Give us the Christmas that we know! + + No stir of wings sweeps softly by; + No angel comes with blinding light; + Beneath the wild and wintry sky + No shepherds watch their flocks tonight. + + In the dull thunder of the wind + We hear the cruel guns afar, + But in the glowering heavens we find + No guiding, solitary star. + + * * * + + But lo! on this our Lord's birthday, + Lit by the glory whence she came, + Peace, like a warrior, stands at bay, + A swift, defiant, living flame! + + Full-armed she stands in shining mail, + Erect, serene, unfaltering still, + Shod with a strength that cannot fail, + Strong with a fierce o'ermastering will. + + Where shattered homes and ruins be + She fights through dark and desperate days; + Beside the watchers on the sea + She guards the Channel's narrow ways. + + Through iron hail and shattering shell, + Where the dull earth is stained with red, + Fearless she fronts the gates of Hell + And shields the unforgotten dead. + + So stands she, with her all at stake, + And battles for her own dear life, + That by one victory she may make + For evermore an end of strife. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE CHRISTMAS GHOST, 1914. + +_The Spectral Duke_ (_to guest in haunted room_). "HA, HA! BEHOLD, I AM +HERE!" + +_Guest._ "YES, YES--SO I SEE. BUT I'M AWFULLY BUSY JUST NOW. GIVE US A +LOOK UP NEXT YEAR." + + * * * * * + +SANTA CLAUS AT THE FRONT. + +SEASONABLE GIFTS FOR OFFICERS. + +BY AUNT PARKER. + +As Christmas draws nearer, the problem of what gifts to send to our +brave men at the Front becomes more acute. For of course they must all +have presents, no matter what decision is come to as to the manner of +spending the dear old festival at home. + +As an aid to the generous there is nothing like a walk down Bongent +Street, where will be found many ingenious novelties designed especially +for the mirthful anniversary which will so soon be on us with all its +associations of peace and goodwill to men. + +It is no part of my duty to recommend shops and their wares, but it is a +pleasure to put on record some of the things on which my roving eyes +settled as I traversed London's most luxurious thoroughfare. Every taste +is there considered, but for the moment my interest is solely in gifts +for our brave officers--and privates too, if they have wealthy enough +friends. + +At Messrs. Baskerville's, for example, I perceived a host of captivating +articles calculated to make glad the heart of any fighting man. In one +window was a Service Smoker's Companion which cannot be too highly +extolled, especially as this War is, as everyone knows, being waged very +largely on the beneficent Indian weed. The equipment consists of four +delightful gold-mounted pipes, each guaranteed to be made of briar over +eighty years old; a gold-mounted pencil; a gold cigar-case and fifty +cigars; a gold cigarette-case and 1,000 cigarettes; a gold cigar-cutter; +a gold mechanical lighter; a gold and amber cigar-holder; a gold and +amber cigarette-holder; a smoker's knife and two gold ash-trays--the +whole neatly packed in a leather case and weighing only nine pounds. No +soldier--at any rate, no officer--should be without it. Cheered by its +presence he would fight twice as well, and any horrid old pipe that he +might possess and, however tired of it, be forced still to smoke for +want of a new one, he would be able to give to a Tommy. The same set is +obtainable in silver at a lower cost; but my advice to everyone is to +take the gold one. + +Many of our brave fellows are supplied with helmets, belts and mufflers +by the loving hands of their friends; but for those who cannot knit, +Messrs. Tyke and Taylor have a most attractive show of all the woollen +articles with which it has been decreed that our warriors shall cover +their bodies. Their ten-guinea Campaign Abdominal Belt could not be +improved upon, little strands of real gold thread being woven into the +ordinary fabric. I foretell an enormous sale for this fascinating +article, and also for the Service Muffler at seven guineas, which has +real gold tassels at each end. + +Messrs. Cartersons are concentrating their energies on letter-paper for +the Front. In a compact and very tasteful morocco case is a sufficient +supply of paper, envelopes and blotting-paper for a considerable +correspondence. + +A gold ink-pot, a gold pen and a gold pencil are also included, together +with sealing-wax and nibs, and a very clever little rubber-stamp with +the words, "Somewhere at the Front." A writing pad for the knee when in +action completes this timely budget. Those interesting letters from +officers and men, which now form so popular a section of each paper, are +likely soon to be noticeably increased in numbers. Fortunate indeed is +the man who gets one of Messrs. Cartersons' Front Correspondence +Companions! The total weight is only a little over two pounds, which is, +of course, nothing. + +In another of Cartersons' windows I noticed a very delightful Field +Tantalus, which can easily be attached to a shoulder-strap or, better +still, be carried by an orderly. + +The moment the threshold of Mr. Luke Jones' establishment is crossed, +both eye and mind are in a state of ecstasy in the presence of so much +Christmas enterprise. Here, as elsewhere, the first thought has been for +our brave soldiers at the Front, and particularly the gallant officers. +Wrist watches of every shape are to be seen, each thoughtfully provided +with its strap--for Mr. Jones forgets nothing. In addition to wrist +watches are wrist compasses for the other arm, and for the ankles a +speedometer and barometer. Thus fitted, the officer knows practically +all that can be learned. I need not say that all are in gold; but a few +special sets in radium can be obtained. Even these, however, are not +ruinous, for with Mr. Luke Jones reasonable prices are a fetish. + +The full assurance of securing the best possible value at the lowest +possible price adds yet another reason for visiting the charming +premises of Messrs. Slimmer and Bang. Their Service knick-knacks cannot +be overpraised. Glancing hastily around, I noticed several with devices +all calculated not only to be useful but to amuse at the Front, wherever +our stalwart representatives are gathered. + +One of the most practical is a boot-cleaning set in strong pigskin with +gold clasps, including, very ingeniously, a bottle of patent-leather +reviver. Another pigskin, indispensable at the Front, holds a complete +tea-set. It resembles the old tea-basket, but weighs at least five +ounces less (no small matter on the march, I am told) and is more +compact. With such a gift as this, no officer need ever again go without +tea in the trenches. Messrs. Slimmer and Bang are to be congratulated. + +Anything more charming than the Service card-cases at Messrs. Slosson +and Kay's I have never seen. One side is intended for paper notes, of +which every officer at the Front is in constant need; the other half is +reserved for his visiting-cards, which it is _de rigueur_, I am told, to +leave on the enemy after every visit to their trenches. Some officers go +so far as to place their cards on the point of their bayonet--a +characteristic British touch. Messrs. Slosson and Kay also have charming +combinations of drinking-flask and ear-syringe in all the more precious +metals, and field-glasses studded with diamonds. For home use the same +firm has a most delightful Special Constable's gold-mounted truncheon, +which unscrews for liquid refreshment, of which our S. C.'s are often in +need. + +Messrs. Kyte and Kyte have a really dinky little Game Book especially +prepared for the War and as a Christmas gift. It differs at first sight +very little from the ordinary game book of an English shoot, but on +examination we find that the game is of larger size. The divisions +include all ranks of the German army, so that an exact analysis of one's +bag can be kept. Messrs. Kyte and Kyte also make a Service Fountain Pen +which not only acts as a pen but also as a clinical thermometer and +pipe-cleaner. It has furthermore an attachment for removing stones from +horses' feet. Made in gold, it is a most becoming Yuletide gift. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "AND WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU, SIR?" + +"I'M LOOKING FOR MY FATHER. HAS HE BEEN IN HERE? HE'S AN OLD MAN 'BOUT +THIRTY-SEBEN." + + * * * * * + +A CREDIBILITY INDEX. + +"This Poland business is still rather hard to follow," said my wife +plaintively, after consulting the latest newspaper map pinned over the +mantelpiece, "and I know it's tremendously important. I wish they +wouldn't keep fighting in small villages that aren't marked; and really +beyond the bare fact that both armies repeatedly surround one another +simultaneously it is not at all easy to gather just what they are at." + +"The whole thing would be as clear as day," said my sister-in-law, who +likes to be regarded as an authority on land operations--I am myself our +Naval Expert--"if only one knew what to believe. Have the Germans +occupied Przsczwow or have they not?" + +"I think they must have done. Last night's paper said that it was +believed that Przsczwow was officially occupied, and it says here that +it is officially stated that Przsczwow is believed to be occupied." + +"It's only partially official," said I, who had carefully collated the +reports on the point. "It was semi-official from Amsterdam, official +from Berlin, considered to emanate from a good source in Rome, and +unofficially denied in Petrograd." + +"It _must_ be true," said my wife. + +"You were always a good believer, dear," said I. "I doubt if I know any +one who has believed as much in sheer quantity as you have since the war +began. You know you swallowed that yarn about----" + +"Don't you think," my wife broke in hastily (for she simply hates to be +reminded of the Russians in England), "that we ought to have a sort of +index to judge these rumours by?" + +"I see," said I. "One hundred for absolute reliability. _Nil_ for the +perfect and utter lie." + +The table which resulted was hung up beside the map for reference; I +recommend it for general use. + + London, Paris or Petrograd (official)............... 100 + " " " (semi-official).......... 50 + Berlin (official)................................... 25 + It is believed in military circles here that----.... 24 + A correspondent who has just returned from the + firing-line tells me that----....................... 18 + It is freely stated in Brussels that----............ 17 + Our correspondent at Amsterdam wires that----....... 13 + Our correspondent at Rome announces that----........ 11 + Berlin (unofficial)................................. 10 + I learn from a neutral merchant that----............ 7 + A story is current in Venice to the effect that----. 5 + It is rumoured that----............................. 4 + I have heard to-day from a reliable source that----. 3 + I learn on unassailable authority that----.......... 2 + It is rumoured in Rotterdam that----................ 1 + Wolff's Bureau states that----...................... 0 + +We didn't put in my wife's other sister who lives on the East coast, +because I don't like to hurt people's feelings. My wife hears from her +frequently. Her average is about nineteen to one against, so that her +proper place on the list would be bracketed with the story from Venice. + + * * * * * + +TREASURES IN STORE. + +He is a great man in the Pantomime world. As he rose from his roll-top +desk with the evident intention of kicking me, I hastened to explain +that I was only a harmless reporter come to look at some of the new +lyrics. + +"Ah," said he, "that alters the case. I thought you were another topical +songster. Now here's a clever little piece about the Navy." + +I stretched out my hand for it. + +"No," he said. "So much depends on intelligent expression and emphasis +that I'd better read it to you. I think of calling this one 'The Battle +of the Brine.' + + "The seas roll high, and the smoke around does hang, + And the Dreadnoughts steam along in line; + The big guns boom and the little fellows bang, + And the shells go bumping in the brine! + The flags run up, and the Admiral says, '_Now_, Sirs, + Buck up and send the Huns to Davy Jones!' + Then the Captain cheers, and the men hitch up their trousers, + And they all give Hohenzollern three groans! + +"There it is;" and the Great Man fairly purred with satisfaction. "_Une +petite pièce de tout droit_, isn't it?" he said. "I gave you a hint of +the tune. It needs a stirring one." + +"It does," said I, delighted to be able to agree with him on one point. +"And you have other songs equally topical?" + +He pointed to a bale in the corner that I had taken for a new carpet. +"I've had a good few to choose from," he said. "I fancy this one is +about the best. My leading low-comedian writes all his own +lyrics--extraordinarily adequate little man. He opens briskly:-- + + "Pip-pip, girls! + As I was walking down the street, + Because it couldn't walk down me, + One day last week I chanced to meet + A German en-ee-mee. + He had a notebook in his hand (not a sausage) + And I said, ''Ere's a spy! Wot O!' + So I gripped him by the collar and-- + And--then--I--let--him--go! + For he (ha! ha! he! he!) + Was bigger than me, you see, + So I thought it well to run and tell + The speshul constabularee! + +"Yes," he gasped, "I thought that 'ud hit you. That's what I call a real +live piece of work. Here's another--in the old-fashioned style. Not +quite so much snap about it. But my fourth low-comedian thinks he can +make it go. It's called, 'When Father Threw his Wages at the Cat.' + + "We're not a happy family, we're always on the nag, + Our miseries are dreadful to relate; + I've got two little sisters who are both a mass of blisters + From settling disagreements in the grate; + + This afternoon my Uncle Charlie kicked me down the stairs + And walloped me for crumpling up the mat; + But this, though far from nice, is simply nothing to the crisis + When father threw his wages at the cat! + + There _have_ been other ructions, and especially the day + That mother lent our dicky to the sweep, + When all of us were weeping and the baby gave up sleeping + Because it was impossible to sleep; + But all the rows that ever raged in any British home + Were never half so horrible as that + Which made the coppers rally to the storming of our alley + When father threw his wages at the cat!" + +"Is that out of date?" said I. "If so, I like the old style best.' + +He grunted. "It'll pass," he said; "but the other's the business." + +"Well, give me pleasure first," said I. "As a true Briton I can always +take it sadly." + + * * * * * + +BARBARA'S BIRTHDAY BEAR. + + Barbara's birthday comes once a year, + And Barbara's age you may surely know + If into the toy-box depths you'll peer + And count the Teddy-bears all in a row. + + For by Barbara's law, which we all obey, + She claims each year, as the birthday-due + That her loyal subjects must cheerfully pay, + A new Teddy-bear for the toy-box Zoo. + + Some of them growl and some of them squeak, + And one can play on a rub-a-dub drum, + But till Barbara's birthday last Wednesday week + Not one of the Teddy-bears was dumb. + + The latest addition to Barbara's bears + Was a splendid fellow when well displayed + In one of the smallest of nursery chairs, + And his label declared he was "English made." + + Barbara called him her "bestest bear," + But he tumbled soon from this place of pride; + For she squeezed him here and she pounded him there, + And "Daddy, he doesn't growl," she cried. + + Barbara shook him and flung him down; + She turned her back and refused to play; + And to every argument said with a frown, + "He's my worstest bear; he can go away." + + We took him back, and we asked instead + For "A bear like this, that can growl, you see;" + But the shopman smiled and he darkly said, + "All growls are made, Sir, in Germany."[1] + +Footnote 1: No doubt this defect in the British industry has by now +been made good. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW REPORTING. + +TONBURY _V._ HAILEYBRIDGE. + + (_A Rugby Match reported after the style of the German General + Staff. The passages in brackets are the work of a neutral + correspondent._) + +Our brave Tonburians kicked off against the wind and immediately assumed +a strong offensive along the whole line, forcing the enemy to evacuate +his positions. When we reached their Twenty-five it became clear, after +a furious struggle, that a decision was inevitably about to be postponed +on account of the unexpected strength of their defence. (One try to +Haileybridge which was converted.) + +After some fierce scrummaging in mid-field, in which we had all the best +of it, it was found necessary, owing to strategic reasons, for our +forces to occupy entirely new positions some thirty yards nearer to our +own touchline. Thereafter there was nothing whatever to report. (Try to +Haileybridge.) + +When the game was resumed it soon became evident that the situation was +developing according to our expectations. (A dropped goal to +Haileybridge.) + +Fighting continued, but there was no new development to report. (Two +tries.) + +At half-time the head-master heartily congratulated the Tonbury Fifteen +upon the magnificent victories they were gaining against superior +forces, and assured them that it would soon be over, and they would all +be back in time for tea. He then conferred their caps upon the whole +Fifteen and an extra tassel upon the Captain. It is understood that the +school-house will be decorated with bunting. + +The second half was largely a repetition of the first. We continued to +keep up a powerful pressure all along the line, varied only by frequent +occupation of new strategic lines, occasional postponements of decision, +several stages of development according to anticipation, and some rapid +re-grouping of our forces. The whistle found us pressing heavily, just +outside the goal-line (the Tonbury one). + +(Result: Haileybridge, 43 points; Tonbury, _nil._) + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE JOY OF BILLETING IN A FRENCH CHATEAU. + +_Time, 6 A.M._ + +_Brigade Major._ "I SAY, SIR, MAY I FINISH DRESSING IN HERE? THEY'RE +SHELLIN' THE NORTH BEDROOMS!" + + * * * * * + +THE BERLIN CHRISTMAS SEASON. + +YULE LOGS. + +Made from the finest Belgian church carved oak. A Prussian General +writes: "This wood burns admirably. I speak from personal observation of +experiments carried out under my orders." + +An admirably suitable present for this year is a + +WAR MAP. + +Those we offer are calculated to be particularly popular, the little +Imperial flags _not being detachable but painted on to the map_--at +Paris, London, Petersburg, etc. Thus, whatever may be happening in the +field, you may continue cheerful. + +AMERICAN MIRRORS. + +As many of our most exalted customers complain of the quality of these +goods, considering them too crude and glaring in their effect, we have +prepared, with the help of our Ambassador at Washington, a special glass +which provides a less realistic reflection. Sold in various shapes--the +Kaiser mirror, the Dernburg reflector, etc. Try one. + +A BEAUTIFUL SOUVENIR. + +CALAIS-BEACH PEBBLE BROOCHES. + +(We regret to announce that at the last moment our buyer writes that he +is unable to procure the last-named article.) + + * * * * * + +TOPICAL GEOGRAPHY. + +STUDIES IN THE ART OF DRAGGING-IN. + + ["Though the Falkland Islands are dreary and uninviting enough, they + have added their quota to the gaiety of the world. It should not be + forgotten that Miss Ellaline Terris is a native of Stanley, the + capital of the islands."--_Pall Mall Gazette._] + +The town of Bonn, in Rhenish Prussia, which has recently been in +evidence owing to the enterprise of French aviators, is the seat of a +university, of an Old Catholic bishopric and a school of agriculture. +But it owes its chief title to fame to the fact that it was the +birthplace of BEETHOVEN, the eminent composer. BEETHOVEN was a man of a +serious character, but thanks to the genius of Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM +TREE, who impersonated the illustrious symphonist in one of his notable +productions, he has contributed substantially to the general gaiety. + +Scarborough's unhappy plight under the shells of the German Navy will +not soon be forgotten, and the sympathies of us all are with the +unfortunate townsfolk of the Northern resort. Brighton, however, which +shares with Scarborough the claim to be called the Queen of Watering +Places, is unharmed and no doubt will remain a favourite recreation +ground for tired Londoners on Sunday, among whom that mirth-provoking +comedian, Mr. GEORGE GRAVES, is often to be seen. + +The strategical and political importance of Egypt has of late somewhat +overshadowed its picturesque aspect. But Memphis, Luxor, the Pyramids +are still names to conjure with, as anyone will readily admit who +recalls the wonderful stage pictures in _Bella Donna_, in which the +_rôle_ of good genius was sustained with such consummate skill and +sympathy by Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER, whose smile is as irresistible as the +sword of his Macedonian namesake. + +Tokio, the capital of the Japanese Empire, has re-emerged into +prominence owing to the celebrations over the fall of Tsingtau. But it +must never be forgotten that Miss GERTIE MILLAR'S _espièglerie_ has +caused many critics to compare her with the famous Japanese actress, +Madame SADA YACCO, who, so far as we know, was born at Tokio and is one +of its brightest jewels. + +All eyes have recently been turned towards Ypres, and every one not of +Teutonic caste must regret the damage that has been wrought there by the +War. The word Ypres, however, to many persons, is chiefly interesting as +giving its name to the old tower at Rye, in Sussex, where Mr. HENRY +JAMES, whose sprightly and fertile pen has added so much to the dubiety +of nations, has long resided. + + * * * * * + + "Il verso di Shaeckspeare 'Rules, Britain, on the + suaves.'"--_Corriere delle Puglie._ + +Not KIPLING'S after all, you see. + + * * * * * + +TOO MUCH NOTICE. + +I decided to go home by bus. My season-ticket had expired painlessly the +previous day, and twice already that morning I had had to satisfy the +curiosity of the railway officials as to my name and address. Although I +had explained to them that I was on half-salary and promised to renew +business relations with the company as soon as the War was over or Uncle +Peter died--whichever event happened first--they simply would not listen +to me, and hence my decision to adopt some other means of transport. I +signalled to a bus to stop, and, as the driver, seeing my signal, at +once put on his top speed, I just managed to fling myself on to the +spring-board as the vehicle tore past. + +I ran up to the first storey, and sat down in the front seat. Then I +took out my cigarette-case and was about to light a cigarette when a +printed notice caught my eye-- + + PASSENGERS WISHING + TO SMOKE + ARE KINDLY + REQUESTED + TO OCCUPY THE + REAR SEATS. + +If the notice had been put a little less politely I should have ignored +it; but I can refuse nothing to those who are kind to me, so I refrained +from lighting up, and contented myself with looking round to see if +there was a rear seat vacant. There wasn't. A cluster of happy, smoking +faces confronted me. I turned round again, and wished I had learnt to +take snuff. + +"Cheer-o, Bert!" said a refined voice just behind my ear, and at the +same moment a walking-stick playfully tapped the head of the young +fellow sitting next to me. My neighbour faced about, kicked me on the +shin, dug the point of his umbrella into my calf, knocked off my +_pince-nez_ with his newspaper, and spread himself over the back of the +seat. + +"'Allo, Alf!" he said. "Thought it must 've been you. Look 'ere, I want +to see you----" + +"Perhaps," I interrupted, "your friend would like to change places with +me. Then you can scrutinise him at your ease--and mine." + +"You're a sport," remarked Bert. + +He spoke truly. Little did he guess he was addressing a +Double-Blue--bowls and quoits. Alf and I changed places, and my +attention at once became absorbed by a notice headed + + BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS. + +I had just reached the exciting part when two girls arrived on the +landing. + +"There aren't two together; we shall have to divide," I heard one say. + +"Excuse me," I said, rising. "Don't divide. I'll get into a single seat +if you care to take this double one." + +I was rewarded with the now almost obsolete formula of "Thank you," and +moved a seat further back. Here I found some fresh reading material +provided for me in the shape of a notice to the effect that + + PASSENGERS ARE WARNED + NOT TO PUT THEIR ARMS + OVER THE SIDE OF THE BUS. + +When I had probed its beauties to the utmost depth I again turned round +to see if there was a vacant seat among the smokers. To my joy I saw +one. Quickly I rose and hastened to secure it, but at the same moment +the bus turned a sharp corner and I sustained a violent blow on the back +of my head which left me half-stunned. + +The conductor, who had just appeared on deck to collect fares, helped me +to my feet. Then he rounded on me. + +"Why don't you read the notices?" he said by way of peroration. "Then it +wouldn't've 'appened." + +"The notices?" I repeated, handing him my fare. "I've done nothing else +but read notices ever since I got on this wretched reading-room. I know +where I may smoke and where I may not. I know that I must beware of +pickpockets, and I know that I mustn't waggle my arms over the +side-rails. Further, I have read Mr. Pinkerton's personal assurance that +his Pills are the Best. If I'd had more time I daresay I should have +worked my passage to the notice you refer to. I haven't reached it yet." + +"Look 'ere," said the conductor, thrusting me into the vacant smoker's +seat and pointing with what I at first took to be a saveloy, but which +upon closer inspection proved to be his fore-finger, "what does that +say?-- + + TO AVOID ACCIDENTS PASSENGERS + SHOULD REMAIN SEATED WHILE + THE BUS IS PASSING UNDER RAILWAY + BRIDGES. + +There nar. Some of you blokes never look any farther than the end of +your noses." + +"Then if I had your nose," I retorted, "I should need a telescope to see +even as far as that." + +I was much disappointed that, just as I got to the caustic part, the +exigencies of his profession demanded that he should punch six tickets +in rapid succession. My repartee was consequently drowned amid a perfect +_carillon_ of bells. But meanwhile I had found another notice-- + + TO STOP THE BUS + STRIKE THE BELL + ONCE. + +It was a friendly and sensible notice, for, to tell the truth, I was +beginning to feel afraid of a bus that carried so much free literature. +It could not hope to be a thoroughly reliable bus and a library at the +same time. I therefore determined to forfeit several divisions of my +ticket, and give my "season" one more chance. I got up and struck the +bell once. As the driver didn't know it was just an ordinary passenger +that struck it he pulled up immediately. I had got halfway down the +staircase when somebody--it must have been that offensive +conductor--gave the game away, for the bus jerked badly and started off +again at a rare pace. So did I. But as I flew through the air I could +not help catching a fleeting glimpse of a final advisory notice-- + + PASSENGERS ARE CAUTIONED + AGAINST ALIGHTING FROM + THE BUS WHILE IN MOTION. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE IRON CROSS EPIDEMIC. + +CAPTAIN OF A GERMAN CRUISER, HURRYING HOME AFTER SHELLING HEALTH-RESORT, +GIVES ORDERS TO LIGHTEN THE SHIP FOR THE SAKE OF SPEED. + + * * * * * + +From _The Evening Standard's_ racing news: + + "That's Enough, 19st 2lb (Mr. R. Cavello) + + _J. Killalee O_" + +We agree with the horse. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _General._ "GLAD TO SEE YOU WALKING, MY LAD. I ALWAYS +LIKE TO SEE A MAN WHO CONSIDERS HIS HORSE." + +_Recruit._ "THANK YOU, SIR. BUT MY NEAR SIDE STIRRUP'S BROKE, AND I +CAN'T GET ON." + +_General._ "THEN WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU GET ON WITH THE OFF-SIDE ONE?" + +_Recruit_ (_after some consideration_). "BUT I'D BE SITTIN' WRONG WAY +ROUND." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I am sorry that I cannot now be the first to call _King Albert's Book_ +(HODDER AND STOUGHTON) The Golden Book. But, since this term has already +been applied, I can only applaud it. I suppose never in the history of +books has such a one as this been put together, just as never in the +line of kings has monarch received, under such circumstances, so rare a +tribute. If in the Belgian heart, from ruler to refugee, there is room +for more pride than should of right be there already, surely these +pages, voicing the homage of all that counts in the world to-day, will +bring it. We are all KING ALBERT'S men now, and in this book we have a +welcome chance of proving our fealty. You will observe that I say +nothing about the volume as commercial value for the three shillings +that it costs to buy. One glance at the list of those who contribute (a +kind of international supplement to _Who's Who_) is all that is needed +to satisfy you on this point. _The Daily Telegraph_ is primarily +responsible for gathering together a greater assembly of the names that +matter than was ever collected between covers. To the proprietors, to +Mr. HALL CAINE, who edits the book, and to the printers (especially for +the illustrations in colour, which are triumphs of reproduction) I can +only offer my thanks and congratulatory good wishes. Certainly, _The +Daily Telegraph_ Belgian Fund, to which will go the entire proceeds of +the sale, deserves well the shillings that this splendid effort will +bring to it. _King Albert's Book_ is indeed a noble tribute to +nobility--one that for every sake will become an historic souvenir of +the Great Days. And (if I may confess the secret wickedness of my heart +as I read) how I should love to see the Berlin Press notices! + + * * * + +When Mr. THEODORE ROOSEVELT stated on page 25 of _Through the Brazilian +Wilderness_ (MURRAY) that his was not a hunting-trip, but a scientific +expedition, I winked solemnly, so often have I read books in which +science is used as an excuse for a slaughter that to the unbloodthirsty +seems to be more than a little indiscriminate. Now, however, there is +nothing to do but to withdraw that wink and to say that Mr. ROOSEVELT +and his companions killed only for the sake of food and specimens, +though on one very exciting occasion a man called JULIO displayed a most +unwholesome desire to slay anybody or anything. This renegade's lust for +murder was merely a side-show, but it serves vividly to illustrate the +dangers and risks that the travellers took as they fought their way +along the River of Doubt. No escape is possible from the buoyancy of Mr. +ROOSEVELT'S style; as frankly as any schoolboy enjoying a holiday he +revelled in the ups and downs of his adventures; and if his enthusiasm +for the important work that he was helping to accomplish occasionally +leads him to relate trivialities, and also prevents him from advancing a +few kilometres without adding up the total number he has travelled, the +essential fact remains that his tale of exploit and exploration is told +with a _joie de vivre_ that carries everything before it. Among the many +discoveries that he made is one from which time has taken away any cause +for surprise. "There was," he says, "a German lieutenant with the +Paraguayan officers--one of several German officers who are now engaged +in helping the Paraguayans with their army." _Through the Brazilian +Wilderness_ is packed with wonderfully good photographs, two of which +introduce us to a game played by the Parecis Indians, of which the +initial rule requires the "kicker-off" to lie flat on the ground and +butt the ball with his head. One wonders if Brazil's future battles will +be won in the playing fields of the Parecis. + + * * * + +The opening lines of the Preface to Sir CHARLES VILLIERS STANFORD'S book +of reminiscences contain so good a story that I cannot forbear to quote +them. The tale concerns the famous conductor HANS VON BUELOW, who (says +Sir CHARLES) was once taking the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra through a +rehearsal at which some ladies had been invited to be present. They +indulged in whisperings and chatterings which greatly disturbed the +players. BUELOW turned round and said, "Ladies, we are not here to save +the Capitol, but to make music." Pretty neat that for a Prussian! It is +an example of the many excellent tales to be found in _Pages from an +Unwritten Diary_ (ARNOLD). Some of the best of them concern this same +BUELOW, and have done much to disprove my personal belief in the +non-existence of German humour. But throughout his book Sir CHARLES is +the best of good company. Whether he is chatting about Royalty--there is +a rather moving little anecdote of QUEEN VICTORIA and TENNYSON that was +new to me--or telling again the often-told history of the Cambridge +Greek Plays and the A.D.C., he has a happy pen for a point, and even the +chestnuts inevitable in such a collection are served with a flavour of +originality. I must be allowed to quote one more of VON BUELOW'S good +things. A gushing lady at a musical party begged for an introduction to +the great man. Which being given, "_Oh, Monsieur von Bülow_," she said, +"_vous connaissez Monsieur Wagner, n'est-ce pas?_" Bowing, and without a +shade of surprise, BUELOW answered at once, "_Mais oui, Madame; c'est le +mari de ma femme!_" A great man! + + * * * + +I am quite prepared to accept Mr. LINDSAY BASHFORD'S _Cupid in the Car_ +(CHAPMAN AND HALL) as a nice unpretentious diary of a motor-tour on and +about the Franco-German Frontier, ingeniously done into novel form and +wholesomely seasoned with adventure and the arrangement of marriages +shortly to take place. And I distinctly like his taciturn paragon of a +chauffeur, _Eugene_--a nephew of _Enery Straker_ the voluble, as I +should judge from a certain family resemblance and, by the way, much too +intelligent to murder his French phrases in the hopeless manner which +the author, none too scrupulous in these little touches, suggests. But +whether Mr. BASHFORD hasn't spoilt an enthusiastic travel book without +producing quite a plausible novel--a defect of tactics rather than of +capacity--and whether the book doesn't show too many signs of the hustle +and vibration of the car are questions that intrude themselves; and +certainly one has a right to jib at the Preface, which seems to suggest +that the novel, written before war broke out, was to enlighten the +public, by a sugar-coated method, as to the general terrain of the +conflict inevitable at some future date, so that we might "better +picture the work our loved ones were doing at the Front." If this were +indeed so, then it was distinctly untactful that the only British +officer who appears should be a tosh-talking General obviously too fond +of his food. The fact is that the topical preface is being overdone +these days. + + * * * + +My only complaint against _The Flute of Arcady_ (STANLEY PAUL) is that +Miss KATE HORN, who wrote it, seems somewhat to have disregarded the +classic advice of _Mr. Curdle_ to _Nicholas Nickleby_ in the matter of +observing the unities. It struck me, indeed, that she had begun it as a +Cinderella-tale and then found that there wasn't enough of this to go +round. Thus the early chapters roused my sympathetic interest for +_Charlotte Clairvaux_ (the bullied companion of the hateful cat, _Mrs. +Menzies_) and her admiring suitor, _Dr. Shuckford_. I felt deeply for +poor _Charlotte_, and longed for the moment when the doctor, who was +eminently desirable, would fold her in his manly arms. But this moment +came confusingly early, in the third chapter, and left us with +three-quarters of the book to fill up. So _Charlotte_, for no +reason--that I could see--but this of space, refuses her _Shuckford_, +and off go she and _Mrs. Menzies_ to Versailles, where they meet a good +number of pleasantly-drawn people, and encounter a variety of +adventures, some amusing, some merely farcical. Without doubt Miss HORN +has a pretty wit, but I admired its exercise far more in character than +incident. There is, for example, a delightful new version of _Mrs. +Malaprop_ in the lady whose ambition it was "to live in a mayonnaise in +a good part of London." I loved her, and the terrible French infant, and +the nuns, and the old countess and the other Versailles folk. But of the +incidents, fantastic adventures with elephants and such, one sometimes +feels that their humour is, as the author says of _M. de Lafontaine's_ +smile, a thing that seemed to be jerked out by machinery. Yet I am bound +to confess that it made me laugh. So why grumble? + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE WILHELM MISTLETOE. + +A CARD OF TEUTONIC ORIGIN NOT LIKELY TO HAVE A BIG SALE OVER HERE THIS +SEASON. + + * * * * * + +_The Times_, describing the attempted escape of a German officer in the +disguise of 'Safety Matches,' says: "There was nothing in the box to +excite suspicion." Except, of course, the officer. + + * * * * * + + "Never again will one rigid form of civilisation prevail.... The + world has grown too big to rest content with one standard." + + _Evening Standard._ + +Hence _The Evening Standard_. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, December 23, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 29522-8.txt or 29522-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/5/2/29522/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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