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+Project Gutenberg's Faro Nell and Her Friends, by Alfred Henry Lewis
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Faro Nell and Her Friends
+       Wolfville Stories
+
+Author: Alfred Henry Lewis
+
+Illustrator: W. Herbert Dunton
+             J. N. Marchand
+
+Release Date: July 22, 2009 [EBook #29485]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FARO NELL AND HER FRIENDS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: WE MAKES FOUR TRIPS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN WOLFVILLE AND
+RED DOG, CRACKIN' OFF OUR GOOD OLD '45'S AT IRREG'LAR INTERVALS, FARO
+NELL ON HER CALICO PONY AS THE GODDESS OF LIBERTY, BUSTIN' AWAY WITH THE
+REST. Frontispiece. p. 170.]
+
+
+
+
+FARO NELL AND HER FRIENDS
+
+WOLFVILLE STORIES
+
+BY
+
+ALFRED HENRY LEWIS
+
+AUTHOR OF "WOLFVILLE," "WOLFVILLE DAYS," "WOLFVILLE NIGHTS," "WOLFVILLE
+FOLKS," "THE BOSS," "THE SUNSET TRAIL," "THE APACHES OF
+NEW YORK," "THE STORY OF PAUL JONES," ETC.
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS BY
+
+W. HERBERT DUNTON AND J. N. MARCHAND
+
+G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY
+
+PUBLISHERS NEW YORK
+
+
+
+
+Copyright, 1913, By
+
+G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY
+
+Faro Nell and Her Friends
+
+
+
+
+THIS BOOK
+
+IS DEDICATED TO
+
+WILLIAM EUGENE LEWIS
+
+AS MARKING
+
+MY APPRECIATION OF
+
+WHAT QUALITIES PLACE HIM HIGH
+
+AMONG THE BEST EDITORS
+
+BEST BROTHERS AND BEST MEN
+
+I'VE EVER MET
+
+A. H. L.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+  CHAPTER                                                         PAGE
+        I DEAD SHOT BAKER                                            7
+       II OLD MAN ENRIGHT'S UNCLE                                   39
+      III CYNTHIANA, PET-NAMED ORIGINAL SIN                         61
+       IV OLD MONTE, OFFICIAL DRUNKARD                              99
+        V HOW THE MOCKING BIRD WAS WON                             126
+       VI THAT WOLFVILLE-RED DOG FOURTH                            148
+      VII PROPRIETY PRATT, HYPNOTIST                               176
+     VIII THAT TURNER PERSON                                       198
+       IX RED MIKE                                                 225
+        X HOW TUTT SHOT TEXAS THOMPSON                             260
+       XI THE FUNERAL OF OLD HOLT                                  295
+      XII SPELLING BOOK BEN                                        320
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+                                                                  PAGE
+  We makes four trips back and forth between Wolfville and Red
+      Dog, crackin' off our good old '45's at irreg'lar
+      intervals, Faro Nell on her calico pony as the Goddess of
+      Liberty, bustin' away with the rest. . . . Frontispiece      170
+  We're all discussin' the doin's of this yere road-agent when
+      Dan gets back from Red-Dog, an' the result is he unloads
+      his findin's on a dead kyard.                                 18
+  Dead Shot stops short at this hitch in the discussion, by
+      reason of a bullet from the Lightin' Bug's pistol which
+      lodges in his lung.                                           28
+  The second evening Old Stallins is with us, Dan Boggs an'
+      Texas Thompson uplifts his aged sperits with the "Love
+      Dance of the Catamounts."                                     42
+  "It's you, Oscar, that I want," observes Miss Bark. "I
+      concloodes, upon sober second thought, to accept your
+      offer of marriage."                                           90
+  A couple of Enright's riders comes a packin' a live bobcat
+      into town.                                                   118
+  Turkey Track, seein' he's afoot an' thirty miles from his home
+      ranch pulls his gun an' sticks up the mockin' bird's
+      buckboard.                                                   138
+  We sees the Turner person aboard an' wishes him all kinds of
+      luck.                                                        222
+  "What's the subject?" Peets asks. "That, my friend, is the
+      'Linden in October,'" returns Mike, as though he's a
+      showin' us a picture of Heaven's front gate.                 238
+  "Him an' Annalinda shore do constitoote a picture. 'Thar's a
+      pa'r to draw to,' says Nell to Texas, her eyes like brown
+      diamonds."                                                   280
+  Thar's a bombardment which sounds like a battery of gatlings,
+      the whole punctchooated by a whirlwind of "whoops!"          316
+  "Onless girls is barred," declares Faro Nell, from her perch
+      on the chair "I've a notion to take a hand."                 336
+
+
+
+
+FARO NELL AND HER FRIENDS
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+DEAD SHOT BAKER
+
+
+"Which you never knows Dead Shot Baker?"
+
+This, from the old cattleman, with a questioning glance my way.
+
+"No? Well, you shore misses knowin' a man! Still, it ain't none so
+strange neither; even Wolfville's acquaintance with Dead Shot's only
+what you-all might call casyooal, him not personally lastin' more'n
+three months.
+
+"This yere Dead Shot has a wife. Thar's women you don't want to see
+ontil you're tired, an' women you don't want to see ontil you're
+rested, an' women you don't want to see no how--don't want to see at
+all. This wife of Dead Shot's belongs with the latter bunch.
+
+"Last evenin' I'm readin' whar one of them philosophic sports asserts
+that women, that a-way, is shore the sublimation of the oncertain.
+That's how he lays it down; an' he never hedges the bluff for so much
+as a single chip. He insists that you can't put a bet on women; that
+you can bet on hosses or kyards or 'lections, but not on women--women
+bein' too plumb oncertain. As I reads along, I can't he'p feelin' that
+somehow this philosophic party must have knowed Dead Shot's wife.
+
+"The first time we-all ever sees Dead Shot, he comes trackin' into the
+Red Light one evenin' jest after the stage rolls up. Bein' it's
+encroachin' on second drink time, he sidles up to the bar; an' then,
+his manner some diffident an' apol'getic, he says:
+
+"'Gents, do you-all feel like a little licker, that a-way?'
+
+"It bein' imp'lite to reefuse, we assembles within strikin' distance
+of the bottles Black Jack is slammin' the len'th of the counter, an'
+begins spillin' out our forty drops. At this he turns even more
+apol'getic.
+
+"'Which I trusts,' he says, 'that no one'll mind much if I takes
+water?'
+
+"Of course no one minds. Wolfville don't make no speshulty of forcin'
+whiskey onto no gent who's disinclined. If they prefers water, we
+encourages 'em.
+
+"'An' for this yere reason,' expounds Boggs, once when he ondertakes
+to explain the public attitoode towards water to some inquirin'
+tenderfoot--'an' for this partic'lar reason: Arizona is a dry an' arid
+clime; an' water drinkers bein' a cur'ous rarity, we admires to keep a
+spec'men or two buck-jumpin' about, so's to study their habits.'
+
+"As we picks up our glasses, Dead Shot sets to introdoocin' himse'f.
+
+"'My name, gents,' he says, 'is Baker, Abner Baker. The Wells-Fargo
+folks sends me down yere from Santa Fe to ride shotgun for 'em.'
+
+"The name's plenty s'fficient. It's him who goes to a showdown with
+them three road agents who lays for the stage over in a spur of the
+Black Range back of San Marcial, an' hives the three. That battle
+saves the company $200,000; an', they're that pleased with Dead Shot's
+industry, they skins the company's bankroll for a bundle of money the
+size of a roll of blankets, an' gives it to him by way of reward.
+It's the talk of the two territories.
+
+"While we-all knows Dead Shot when he speaks his name, none of us lets
+on. It's ag'inst ettiquette in the southwest to know more of a gent
+than what he tells himse'f.
+
+"'So water's all you samples?' puts in Texas Thompson, as we stands
+an' drinks.
+
+"'It's like this,' explains Dead Shot, appealin' round with his eye.
+'You see I can't drink nosepaint none, an' drink successful.'
+
+"'Shore,' observes Faro Nell, who's takin' her diminyootive toddy
+right at Dead Shot's elbow; 'thar's gents so organized that to go
+givin' 'em licker is like tryin' to play a harp with a hammer.'
+
+"That's me,' exclaims Dead Shot; 'that's me, Miss, every time. Give me
+a spoonful, an' I deemands a bar'l. After which, thar ain't no se'f
+respectin' camp that'll stand for my game.'
+
+"'I savvys what you means,' says Tutt; 'I reecalls in my own case how,
+on the hocks of mebby it's the ninth drink--which this is years an'
+years ago, though--I mistakes a dem'crat primary for a Methodist
+praise meetin', an' comes ramblin' in an' offers to lead in pra'r.
+Which I carries the scars to this day.'
+
+"'Which is why, Dave,' interjecks Cherokee Hall, in hopes of settin'
+Tutt to pitchin' on his p'litical rope, him bein' by nacher a
+oncompromisin' reepublican that a-way--'which is why you always holds
+dem'crats so low.'
+
+"'But I don't hold 'em low,' protests Tutt. 'Thar's heaps to be said
+for dem'crats, leastwise for the sort that's pesterin' 'round in the
+country I hails from.'
+
+"'What be your dem'crats like, Dave?' Texas urges. 'Which I wants to
+see if they're same as the kind I cuts the trail of down about
+Laredo.'
+
+"'Well,' returns Tutt, 'simply hittin' the high places, them dem'crats
+by which I'm born surrounded chews tobacco, sw'ars profoosely, drinks
+mighty exhaustive, hates niggers, an' some of 'em can read.'
+
+"'That deescription goes for Laredo, too,' Texas allows. 'This yere
+jedge, who gives my wife her divorce that time, an' sets the sheriff
+to sellin' up my steers for costs an' al'mony, is a dem'crat. What you
+says, Dave, is the merest picture of that joorist.'
+
+"'I expects my wife'll come rackin' along _poco tiempo,'_ Dead Shot
+remarks, after a pause. 'I'm yere as advance gyard to sling things
+into shape.'
+
+"It's as good as a toone of music to see how softly his face lights
+up. He's as big an' wide an' thick an' strong as Boggs, an' yet it's
+plain as paint that this yere wife of his, whoever she is, can jest
+nacherally make curl-papers of him.
+
+"That mention of a wife as usual sets Texas to growlin'.
+
+"'Thar you be, Dan!' I overhears him whisper, same as if he's been
+ill-treated; 'the instant this Dead-Shot says "Water" I'm onto it that
+he's a married man. Water an' matrimony goes hand in hand.'
+
+"'Now I don't see why none?' retorts Boggs.
+
+"'Because water's weakenin'. Feed a sport on water, an' it's a cinch
+he falls a prey to the first female who ropes at him.'
+
+"'Thar's Dave,' Boggs argyoos, noddin' towards Tutt. 'Ain't he
+drinkin' that time he weds Tucson Jennie?'
+
+"'Dave's the exception. Also, you-all remembers them circumstances,
+Dan. Dave don't marry Jennie; Jennie simply ups an' has him.'
+
+"'All the same,' contends Boggs, 'I don't regyard Dead Shot's sobriety
+as no drawback. Thar's lots of folks who's cap'ble of bein' sober an'
+sociable at one an' the same time.'
+
+"These yere low-voiced wranglin's between Texas an' Boggs is off to
+one side. Meanwhile, the gen'ral confab proceeds.
+
+"'You ain't been long hooked up?' says Doc Peets, addressin' Dead
+Shot.
+
+"'About a year. She's in the stage that time I has the trouble with
+them hold-ups in the Black Range, an' she allows she likes my style.'
+
+"'We-all hears about that Black Range battle,' remarks Enright.
+
+"'It's a mighty lucky play for me,' says Dead Shot; 'I don't ree'lize
+it while I'm workin' my winchester, but I'm winnin' a angel all the
+time. That's on the level, gents! I never puts my arm 'round her yet,
+but what I go feelin' for wings.'
+
+"'Don't this make you sick?' Texas growls to Boggs.
+
+"'No, it don't,' Boggs replies. 'On the contrary, I'm teched.'
+
+"'Gents,' goes on Dead Shot, an' I sees his mustache tremble that
+a-way; 'I don't mind confessin' she's that angelic I'm half afraid to
+marry her. I ain't fine enough! It's like weddin' gunny-sack to
+silk--me makin' her my wife. Which I shore has to think an' argyoo
+with myse'f a whole lot, before I gets the courage. Ain't you-all ever
+noticed'--yere he appeals 'round to Peets--'that every time you meets
+up with a angel, thar's always some smoke-begrimed an' sin-encrusted
+son of Satan workin' double-turn to support her?'
+
+"Peets nods.
+
+"'Shore! Well, it's sech reflections which final gives me the
+reequired sand. An' so, one evenin' up in Albuquerque, we prances over
+before a padre an' we're married. You bet, it's like a vision.'
+
+"'Any papooses?' asks Tutt, plumb pompous.
+
+"'None as yet,' confesses Dead Shot, lookin' abashed.
+
+"'Which I've nacherally got one,' an' yere Tutt swells. 'You can put
+your case _peso_ on it he's the real thing, too.'
+
+"'Little Enright Peets is certainly a fine child,' remarks Nell.
+'Dave, you're shore licensed to be proud of him.'
+
+"'That's whatever,' adds Boggs. 'Little Enright Peets is nothin' short
+of bein' the No'th Star of all hoomanity!'
+
+"Mebby a week passes, an' one mornin' Dead Shot goes squanderin' over
+to Tucson to bring his wife. An' nacherally we're on what they calls
+in St. Looey the 'quee vee' to see her. At that, we-all don't crowd
+'round permiscus when the stage arrives, an' we avoids everything
+which borders on mob voylence.
+
+"Dead Shot hits the street, lookin' that happy it's like he's in a
+dream, an' then goes feelin' about, soft an' solic'tous, inside. At
+last he lifts her out, an' stands thar holdin' her in his arms. She's
+shore beautiful; only she ain't no bigger 'n a ten year old youngone.
+Yellow-ha'red an' bloo-eyed, she makes you think of these yere china
+ornaments that's regyarded artistic by the Dutch.
+
+"They're certainly a contrast--him big as a house, her as small an'
+pretty as a doll! An' you should see that enamored Dead Shot look at
+her!--long an' deep, like a man drinkin'! Son, sometimes I fears
+women, that a-way, misses all knowledge of how much they're loved.
+
+"'She ain't sick,' says Dead Shot, speakin' gen'ral; 'only she twists
+her off ankle gettin' out at the last station.'
+
+"Dead Shot heads for the little 'dobe he's fitted up, packin' his
+bloo-eyed doll in his arms. What's our impressions? No gent who signs
+the books as sech'll say anything ag'in a lady; but between us, thar's
+a sooperior wrinklin' of the little tipped-up nose, an' a cold feel to
+them bloo eyes, which don't leave us plumb enthoosiastic.
+
+"'It's like this,' volunteers Enright, who stacks in to explain
+things. 'Every gent's got his ideal; an' this yere wife of his is Dead
+Shot's ideal.'
+
+"'Whatever's an ideal, Doc?' asks Boggs, who's always romancin' about
+for information.
+
+"'Which an ideal, Dan,' Peets replies, 'is the partic'lar gold brick
+you're tryin' to buy.'
+
+"At the time Dead Shot's standin' thar with his fam'ly in his arms,
+Nell comes out on the Red Light steps to take a peek. Also, Missis
+Rucker an' Tucson Jennie is hoverin' about all sim'lar. After Dead
+Shot an' his bride has faded into their 'dobe, them three experts
+holds a energetic consultation in the street. Of course, none of us
+has the hardihood to go j'inin' in their deelib'rations, but from
+what's said later we gets a slant at their concloosions.
+
+"'Dead Shot's a mighty sight too good for her,' is how Missis Rucker
+gives jedgment. 'It's peltin' pigs with pearls for him to go lovin'
+her like he does.'
+
+"Shore; bein' ladies that-a-way, Missis Rucker, Tucson Jennie an' Faro
+Nell all visits Dead Shot's wife. But the feelin' is that they finds
+her some stuck up an' haughty. This yere notion is upheld by Nell
+callin' her a 'minx,' while Tucson Jennie alloodes to her as a 'cat'
+on two sep'rate occasions.
+
+"Dead Shot an' his doll-bride, in the beginnin', seems to be gettin'
+along all right. It's only when thar's money goin' over, that Dead
+Shot has to buckle on his guns an' ride out with the stage. This gives
+him lots of time to hang 'round, an' worship her. Which I'm yere to
+reemark that if ever a white man sets up an idol, that a-way, an' says
+his pra'rs to it, that gent's Dead Shot. Thar's nothin' to it; prick
+her finger, an' you pierce his heart.
+
+"'It'd be beautiful if it wasn't awful,' says Faro Nell.
+
+"It ain't a month when events lifts up their p'isin heads, which goes
+to jestify them comments of Nell's. Thar's been a White House shift
+back in Washington, an' a new postmaster's sent out. He's a dapper
+party, with what Peets calls a 'Van Dyke' beard, an' smells like a
+ha'r-dresser's shop.
+
+"Now if affairs stops thar, we could have stood it; but they don't. I
+abhors to say so, but it ain't two weeks before Dead Shot's wife's
+makin' onmistak'ble eyes at that postmaster. Them times when Dead
+Shot's dooties has took him to the other end of the trail, she's over
+to the post office constant. None of us says anything, not even to
+ourselves; but when it gets to whar she shoves you away from the
+letter place, an' begins talkin' milk and honey to him right under
+your nose, onless you're as blind as steeple bats, an' as deaf as the
+adder of scriptoore which stoppeth her y'ear, you're shore bound to do
+some thinkin'.
+
+[Illustration: WE'RE ALL DISCUSSIN' THE DOIN'S OF THIS YERE ROAD-AGENT
+WHEN DAN GETS BACK FROM RED-DOG, AN' THE RESULT IS HE UNLOADS HIS
+FINDIN'S ON A DEAD KYARD. p. 18.]
+
+"'Which if ever a gov'ment offishul,' exclaims Texas, as he comes
+t'arin' into the Red Light one evenin', deemandin' drinks--'which if
+ever a gov'ment offishul goes organizin' his own fooneral that a-way,
+it's this yere deeboshed postmaster next door!'
+
+"Thar's nothin' said, but we-all knows what's on Texas's mind. That
+wife of Dead Shot's, for the fo'th time that day, has gone askin' for
+letters.
+
+"'She writes 'em to herse'f,' is the way Missis Rucker lays it down.
+'Also, it's doo to the crim'nal besottedness of that egreegious Dead
+Shot. The man's shorely love-blind!'
+
+"'You ain't goin' to t'ar into him for that, be you?' Nell asks, her
+tones reproachful. 'Him lovin' her like he does shore makes a hit with
+me. A limit goes in farobank; but my notion is to take the bridle off
+when the game's love.'
+
+"'But all the same he needn't get that lovin' it addles him,' says
+Missis Rucker. 'In a way, it's Dead Shot's sole fault, her actin'
+like she does. Instead of keepin' them Mexicans to do her work, Dead
+Shot ought to make her go surgin' round, an' care for her house
+herse'f. Thar ain't nobody needs steady employment more'n a woman.
+You-all savvys where it says that Satan finds some mischief still for
+idle hands to do? Which you bet that bluff means women--an'
+postmasters--every time.'
+
+"Missis Rucker continues along sim'lar lines, mighty inflexible, for
+quite a spell. She concloodes by sayin':
+
+"'You keep a woman walsin' round a cook-stove, or wrastlin' a washtub,
+or jugglin' pots an' skillets, same as them sleight-of-hand folks at
+the Bird Cage Op'ry House, an' she won't be so free to primp an' preen
+an' look at herse'f in the glass, an' go gaddin' after letters which
+she herse'f's done writ.'
+
+"We-all can't he'p hearin' this yere, seen' we're settin' round the O.
+K. dinin' table feedin' at the time; but we stubbornly refooses to be
+drawed into any views, Enright settin' us the example. That sagacious
+old warchief merely reaches for the salt-hoss, an' never yeeps;
+wharupon we maintains ourselves stoodiously yeepless likewise.
+
+"Things goes on swingin' an' rattlin', an' the open-air flirtations
+which Dead Shot's wife keeps up with that outcast of a postmaster's
+enough to give you a chill. We sets thar, powerless, expectin' a
+killin' every minute. An' all the time, like his eyes has took a
+layoff, Dead Shot wanders to an' fro, boastin' an' braggin' in the
+mushiest way about his wife. Moreover--an' this trenches on
+eediotcy--he goes out of his path to make a pard of the postmaster,
+an' has that deebauchee over to his shack evenin's.
+
+"Dead Shot even begins publicly singin' the praises of this office
+holder.
+
+"'Which it's this a-way,' he says; 'what with him bein' book-read an'
+a sport who's seen foreign lands, he's company for my wife. She
+herse'f's eddicated to a feather-edge; an', nacherally, that's what
+gives 'em so much in common.'
+
+"Thar's all the same a note in Dead Shot's voice that's like the echo
+of a groan. It looks, too, as though it sets fire to Texas, who jumps
+up as if he's stung by a trant'ler.
+
+"'Come,' he says, grabbin' Boggs by the shoulder.
+
+"Texas has Boggs drug half-way to the door, before Enright can head
+'em off.
+
+"'Whar to?' demands Enright; an' then adds, 'don't you-all boys go
+nigh that post office.'
+
+"'All right,' says Texas final, but gulpin' a little; 'since it's you
+who says so, Sam, we won't. Me an' Dan yere'll merely take a little
+_passear_ as far as the graveyard, by way of reecoverin' our sperits
+an' to get the air. I'll shore blow up if obleeged to listen to that
+Dead Shot any longer.'
+
+"'I sees it in his eye,' Enright explains in a low tone to Peets, as
+he resoomes his cha'r; 'Texas is simply goin' to bend his gun over
+that letter man's head.'
+
+"'How often has I told you, Dan,' asks Texas, after they gets headed
+for Boot Hill, an' Texas has regained his aplomb, 'that women is a
+brace game?'
+
+"'Not all women,' Boggs objects; 'thar's Nell.'
+
+"'Shore; Nell!' Texas consents. 'Sech as her has all of the honor an'
+honesty of a Colt's-45. A gent can rely on the Nellie brand, same as
+he can on his guns. But Nellie's one in one thousand. Them other nine
+hundred an' ninety-nine'll deal you the odd-kyard, Dan, every time.'
+
+"When Texas an' Boggs arrives at Boot Hill, Texas goes seelectin'
+about, same as if he's searchin' out a site for a grave. At last he
+finds a place whar thar's nothin' but mesquite, soapweed an' rocks,
+it's that ornery:
+
+"'Yere's whar we plants him,' says Texas; 'off yere, by himse'f, like
+as if he's so much carrion.'
+
+"'Who you talkin' about?' asks Boggs, some amazed.
+
+"'Who?' repeats Texas; 'whoever but that postmaster? Dead Shot's got
+to get him soon or late. An' followin' the obsequies, thar ain't goin'
+to be no night gyards neither. Which if them coyotes wants to dig him
+up, they're welcome. It's their lookout, not mine; an' I ain't got no
+love for coyotes no how.'
+
+"'Thar ain't no coyote in Cochise County who's sunk that low he'll eat
+him,' says Boggs.
+
+"Like every other outfit, Wolfville sees its hours of sunshine an' its
+hours of gloom, its lights an' its shadders. But I'm yere to state
+that it never suffers through no more nerve-rackin' eepock than that
+which it puts in about Dead Shot an' his wife. She don't bother us so
+much as him. It's Dead Shot himse'f, praisin' up the postmaster an'
+paintin' the sun-kissed virchoose of his wife, which keeps the sweat
+a-pourin' down the commoonal face. An' all that's left us is to stand
+pat, an' wait for the finish!
+
+"One day the Wells-Fargo people sends Dead Shot to Santa Fe to take a
+money box over to Taos. Two days later, Dead Shot's wife finds she's
+got to go visit Tucson. Likewise, the postmaster allows he's been
+ordered to Wilcox, to straighten out some deepartmental kinks. Which
+we certainly sets thar an' looks at each other!--the play's that
+rank.
+
+"The postmaster an' Dead Shot's wife goes rumblin' out on the same
+stage. Monte starts to tell us what happens when he returns, but the
+old profligate don't get far.
+
+"'Gents,' he says, 'that last trip, when Dead Shot's----'
+
+"'Shet up,' roars Enright, an' Monte shore shets up.
+
+"It comes plenty close to killin' the mis'rable old dipsomaniac at
+that. He swells an' he swells, with that pent-up information inside
+of him, ontil he looks like a dissipated toad. But sech is his awe of
+Enright, he never dar's opens his clamshell.
+
+"It's a week before Dead Shot's wife gets back, an' the postmaster
+don't show up till four days more. Then Dead Shot himse'f comes
+trackin' in.
+
+"Faro Nell, who's eyes is plumb keen that a-way, lets on to Cherokee
+private that Dead Shot looks sorrow-ridden. But I don't know! Dead
+Shot's nacherally grave, havin' no humor. A gent who constant goes
+messin' round with road agents, shootin' an' bein' shot at, ain't apt
+to effervesce. Nell sticks to it, jest the same, that he's onder a
+cloud.
+
+"Dead Shot continyoos to play his old system, an' cavorts 'round plumb
+friendly with the postmaster, an' goes teeterin' yere an' thar tellin'
+what a boon from heaven on high his wife is, same as former.
+
+"Faro Nell shakes her head when Cherokee mentions this last:
+
+"'That's his throw-off,' she says.
+
+"One evenin' Dead Shot comes trailin' into the Red Light, an' strolls
+over to whar Cherokee's dealin' bank.
+
+"'What's the limit?' he asks.
+
+"At this, we-all looks up a whole lot. It's the first time ever Dead
+Shot talks of puttin' down a bet.
+
+"Cherokee's face is like a mask, the face of the thorough-paced kyard
+sharp. He shows no more astonishment than if Dead Shot's been settin'
+in ag'inst his game every evenin' for a month.
+
+"'One hundred an' two hundred,' says Cherokee.
+
+"_'Bueno!'_ an' Dead Shot lays down two one-hundred dollar bills
+between the king and queen.
+
+"Thar's two turns. The third the kyards falls 'ten-king,' an' Nell,
+from her place on the lookout's stool, shoves over two hundred dollars
+in bloo checks. Thar they are, with the two one-hundred dollar bills,
+between the king an' queen.
+
+"'Does it go as it lays?' asks Dead Shot, it bein' double the limit.
+
+"'It goes,' says Cherokee, never movin' a muscle.
+
+"One turn, an' the kyards falls 'trey-queen.' Nell shoves four hundred
+across to match up with Dead Shot's four hundred.
+
+"'An' now?' Dead Shot asks.
+
+"'I'll turn for it,' Cherokee responds.
+
+"It's yere that Dead Shot's luck goes back on him. The turn comes
+'queen-jack,' an' Nell rakes down the eight hundred.
+
+"Dead Shot's hand goes to the butt of his gun.
+
+"'I've been robbed,' he growls; 'thar's fifty-three kyards in that
+deck.'
+
+"Cherokee's on his feet, his eyes like two steel p'ints, gun half
+drawed. But Nell's as quick. Her hand's on Cherokee's, an' she keeps
+his gun whar it belongs.
+
+"'Steady!' she says; 'can't you see he's only coaxin' you to bump him
+off?' Then, with her face full on Dead Shot, she continyoos: 'It won't
+do, Dead Shot; it won't do none! You-all can't get it handed to you
+yere! You're in the wrong shop; you-all ought to try next door!' An'
+Nell p'ints with her little thumb through the wall to the post
+office.
+
+"Dead Shot stands thar the color of seegyar ashes, while Cherokee
+settles ca'mly back in his cha'r. Cherokee's face is as bar' of
+expression as a blank piece of paper, as he runs his eye along the
+lay-out, makin' ready for the next turn. Thar's mebby a dozen of us
+playin', but not a word is spoke. Everyone is onto Dead Shot's little
+game, the moment Nell begins to talk.
+
+"Matters seems to hang on centers, ontil Nell stretches across an'
+lays her baby hand on Dead Shot's:
+
+"'Thar ain't a soul in sight,' she says, mighty soft an' good, 'but
+what's your friend, Dead Shot.'
+
+"Dead Shot, pale as a candle, wheels toward the door.
+
+"'Pore Dead Shot!' murmurs Nell, the tears in her eyes, to that extent
+she has to ask Boggs to take her place as lookout.
+
+"Four hours goes by, an' thar's the poundin' of a pony's hoofs, an'
+the creak of saddle-leathers, out in front. It's the Red Dog chief,
+who's come lookin' for Enright.
+
+"They confabs a minute or two at a table to the r'ar, an' then Enright
+calls Peets over.
+
+"'Dead Shot's gone an' got himse'f downed,' he says.
+
+[Illustration: DEAD SHOT STOPS SHORT AT THIS HITCH IN THE DISCUSSION, BY
+REASON OF A BULLET FROM THE LIGHTIN' BUG'S PISTOL WHICH LODGES IN HIS
+LUNG. p. 29.]
+
+"'It's on the squar' gents,' explains the Red Dog chief; 'Dead Shot'll
+say so himself. He jest nacherally comes huntin' it.'
+
+"It looks like Dead Shot, after that failure with Cherokee in the Red
+Light, p'ints across for Red Dog. He searches out a party who's called
+the Lightnin' Bug, on account of the spontaneous character of his
+six-shooter. Dead Shot finds the Lightnin' Bug talkin' with two fellow
+gents. He listens awhile, an' then takes charge of the conversation.
+
+"'Bug,' he says, raisin' his voice like it's a challenge--'Bug, only
+I'm afraid folks'll string you up a whole lot, I'd say it's you who
+stood up the stage last week in Apache Canyon. Also'--an' yere Dead
+Shot takes to gropin' about in his jeans, same as if he's feelin' for
+a knife--'it's mighty customary with me, on occasions sech as this, to
+cut off the y'ears of----'
+
+"Dead Shot stops short, by reason of a bullet from the Bug's pistol
+which lodges in his lungs.
+
+"When Peets an' Enright finds him, he's spread out on the Red Dog
+chief's blankets, coughin' blood, with the sorrow-stricken Bug
+proppin' him up one moment to drink water, an' sheddin' tears over him
+the next, alternate.
+
+"The Red Dog chief leads out the weepin' Bug, who's lamentin' mighty
+grievous, an' leaves Enright an' Peets with Dead Shot.
+
+"'It's all right, gents,' whispers Dead Shot; 'I comes lookin' for it,
+an' I gets it. Likewise, she ain't to blame; it's me. I oughtn't to
+have married her that time--she only a girl, an' me a full-growed man
+who should 'av had sense for both.'
+
+"'That's no lie,' says Peets, an' Dead Shot gives him a grateful
+look.
+
+"'No,' he goes on, 'she's too fine, too high--I wasn't her breed. An'
+I ought to have seen it.' Yere he has a tussle to hang on.
+
+"Peets pours him out some whiskey.
+
+"'It's licker, ain't it?' Dead Shot gasps, sniffin' the glass. 'I'm
+for water, Doc, licker makin' me that ornery.'
+
+"'Down with it,' urges Peets. 'Which, if I'm a jedge, you'll pack in
+long before you're due to start anything extra serious, even if you
+drinkt a gallon.'
+
+"'Shore!' agrees Dead Shot, as though the idee brings him relief. 'For
+a moment it slips my mind about me bein' plugged. But as I'm sayin',
+gents, don't blame her. An' don't blame him. I has my chance, an' has
+it all framed up, too, when I crosses up with 'em recent over in
+Tucson, to kill 'em both. But I can't do it, gents. The six-shooter at
+sech a time's played out. That's straight; it don't fill the bill; it
+ain't adequate, that a-way. So all I can do is feel sorry for 'em, an'
+never let 'em know I knows. For, after all, it ain't their fault, it's
+mine. You sports see that, don't you? She's never meant for me, bein'
+too fine; an', me a man, I ought to have knowed.'
+
+"Dead Shot ceases talkin', an' Enright glances at Peets. Peets shakes
+his head plenty sorrowful.
+
+"'Go on,' he says to Dead Shot; 'you-all wants us to do--what?'
+
+"'Thar you be!' an' at the sound of Peets' voice Dead Shot's mind
+comes creepin' back to camp. 'She'll be happy with him--they havin' so
+much in common--an' him an' her bein' eddicated that a-way--an' him
+havin' traveled a whole lot! An' this yere's what I wants, gents. I
+wants you-all, as a kindness to me an' in a friendly way--seein' I
+can't stay none to look-out the play myse'f--to promise to sort o'
+supervise round an' put them nuptials over right. I takes time by the
+forelock an' sends to Tucson for a sky-pilot back two days ago. Bar
+accidents, he'll be in camp by to-morry. He can work in at the
+funeral, too, an' make it a whipsaw.'
+
+"Dead Shot turns his eyes on Enright. It's always so about our old
+chief; every party who's in trouble heads for him like a coyote for a
+camp fire.
+
+"'You'll shore see that he marries her?--Promise!'
+
+"Thar's a quaver in Dead Shot's voice, Peets tells me, that's like a
+pra'r.
+
+"'Thar's my hand, Dead Shot,' says Enright, who's chokin' a little.
+'So far as the letter man's concerned, it'll be the altar or the
+windmill, Jack Moore an' a lariat or that preacher party you refers
+to.'
+
+"Dead Shot's gettin' mighty weak. After Enright promises he leans back
+like he's takin' a rest. He's so still they're beginnin' to figger
+he's done cashed in; but all at once he starts up like he's
+overlooked some bet, an' has turned back from eternity to tend to it.
+
+"'About Cherokee an' his box,' he whispers; 'that's a lyin' bluff I
+makes. Tell him I don't mean nothin'; I'm only out to draw his fire.'
+
+"After this Dead Shot only rouses once. His voice ain't more'n a
+sigh.
+
+"'I forgets to tell you,' he says, 'to give her my love. An' you say,
+too, that I'm bumped off like snuffin' out a candle--too plumb quick
+for her to get yere. An' don't blame her, gents; it's not her fault,
+it's mine.'
+
+"It's the week after the fooneral. The postmaster's still in town,
+partly by nacheral preference, partly because Enright notifies Jack
+Moore to ride herd on him, an' fill him as full of lead as a bag of
+bullets in event he ondertakes to go stampedin' off.
+
+"In the Red Light the seventh evenin' Enright rounds up Peets.
+
+"'Doc,' he says, 'a month would be more respect'ble, but this yere's
+beginnin' to tell on me.'
+
+"'Besides,' Peets chips in, by way of he'pin' Enright out, 'that
+preacher sharp corraled over to Missis Rucker's is gettin' restless.
+Onless we side-lines or puts hobbles on that divine we-all can't
+expect to go holdin' him much longer.'
+
+"Enright leads the way to the r'ar wareroom of the Noo York store,
+which bein' whar the stranglers holds their meetin's is Wolfville's
+hall of jestice. After licker is brought Enright sends Jack Moore for
+the postmaster, who comes in lookin' plenty white. Missis Rucker
+brings over the divine; an' next Dead Shot's widow--she's plumb lovely
+in black--appears on the arm of Peets, who goes in person.
+
+"Thar's a question in the widow's eye, like she don't onderstand.
+
+"'Roll your game,' says Enright to the preacher sharp.
+
+"It's yere an' now Dead Shot's widow fully b'ars out that philos'pher
+who announces so plumb cold, that a-way, that women's the sublimation
+of the onexpected. Jack Moore's jest beginnin' to manoover that
+recreant public servant into p'sition on the widow's left hand, so's
+he can be married to the best advantage, an' the preacher sharp's
+gettin' out an' openin' his book of rooles, when the widow draws
+back.
+
+"P'intin' at the bridegroom postmaster, same as if he's a stingin'
+lizard, she addresses Enright.
+
+"'Whatever's the meanin' of this?'
+
+"'Merely the croode preelim'naries, Ma'am,' Enright explains, 'to what
+we-all trusts will prove a fa'rly deesir'ble weddin'.'
+
+"'Me marry him?' an' the onmitigated scorn that relict exhibits, to
+say nothin' of her tone of voice, shore makes the postmaster
+bridegroom feel chagrined.
+
+"'You'll pardon us, Ma'am,' returns Enright, soft an' depreecatory,
+tryin' to get her feelin's bedded down, 'which you'll shore pardon us
+if in our dullness we misreads your sentiments. You see, the notion
+gets somehow proned into us that you wants this party. Which if we
+makes a mistake, by way of repa'rin' that error, let me say that if
+thar's any one else in sight whom you preefers, an' who's s'fficiently
+single an' yoothful to render him el'gible for wedlock,'--yere Enright
+takes in Boggs an' Texas with his gaze, wharat Texas grows as
+green-eyed as a cornered bobcat--'he's yours, Ma'am, on your p'intin'
+him out.'
+
+"'Which I don't want to marry no one,' cries the widow, commencin' to
+sob. 'An' as for marryin' him speshul'--yere she glances at the
+bridegroom postmaster in sech a hot an' drastic way he's left
+shrivellin' in his own shame--'I'd sooner live an' die the widow of
+Dead Shot Abner Baker than be the wife of a cornfield full of sech.'
+
+"Everybody stares, an' Enright takes a modicum of Old Jordan.
+
+"'You don't deeserve this none,' he says at last, turnin' to the
+postmaster bridegroom. 'Onder the circumstances, however, thar's
+nothin' left for me to do as cha'rman but deeclar' this yere weddin' a
+misdeal.'
+
+"Texas is plumb disgusted.
+
+"'Don't some folks have nigger luck, Dan?' he says.
+
+"Later, after thinkin' things up an' down in his mind, Texas takes
+ombrage at Enright's invitin' Dead Shot's widow to look him an' Boggs
+over that a-way, an' take her pick.
+
+"'Which sech plays don't stand ace-high with me, Sam,' Texas
+says--'you tryin' to auction me off like you does. Even a stranger,
+with a half-way hooman heart, after hearin' my story would say that I
+already suffers enough. An' yet you, who calls yourse'f my friend,
+does all that lays in your callous power to thrust me back into
+torment.'
+
+"'Texas,' replies Enright, like he's bore about all he can, 'you
+shorely worries me with your conceit. If you-all won't take my word,
+then go take a good hard look at yourse'f in the glass. Thar's never
+the slightest risk, as everybody but you yourse'f sees plainly, of
+that lady or any other lady takin' you.'
+
+"'You thinks not?' asks Texas, plenty incensed.
+
+"'Which I _knows_ not. No lady's lot ain't quite that desp'rate.'
+
+"'Well,' returns Texas, after a pause, his face expressin' his
+soreness, 'I'm yere to say, Sam, I don't agree with you, none
+whatever. You forgets that I've already been took in wedlock bonds by
+one lady. An' while that Laredo wife of mine is hard an' crooel, all
+Texas knows she's plumb partic'lar. Also, no one ever yet comes
+pirootin' up the trail who doubts her taste.'
+
+"It's the evenin' before the preacher sharp goes back to Tucson, when
+Enright edges him off into a corner of the O. K. dinin' room.
+
+"'Parson,' says Enright, lookin' like he's a heap bothered about
+somethin'--'parson, in addition to your little game as a preacher that
+a-way, you don't happen to be up none on table-tippin' or sperit
+rappin', same as them mediums, do you?'
+
+"'Which I shore don't,' replies the preacher sharp, archin' his neck,
+indignant. 'Likewise, I regyards them cer'monials you alloodes to as
+satantic in their or'gin.'
+
+"'Doubtless, parson,' returns Enright, some disapp'inted, 'doubtless.
+Still, if you-all but counts the rings on my horns, as givin' some
+impression of the years I've lived an' what troubles I've probably
+gone through, you'll onderstand that I ain't takin' Satan no more
+serious than a empty six-shooter. But the mere trooth is, parson, I'm
+pestered by them promises I makes deeceased. Which I'd give a yellow
+stack to get put next to Dead Shot's sperit long enough to explain
+concernin' them nuptials, an' make cl'ar jest how me an' the Doc falls
+down.'"
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+OLD MAN ENRIGHT'S UNCLE
+
+
+"Which you'll excoose me," and the old cattleman replaced his glass
+upon the table with a decisive click, "if I fails to j'ine you in them
+sent'ments. For myse'f, I approves onreserved of both lies an' liars.
+Also, that reemark goes double when it comes to public liars tellin'
+public lies. Which, however se'fish it may sound, I prefers this
+gov'ment to last my time; an' it's my idee that if them statesmen back
+at Washington ever takes a hour off from their tax-eatin' an' tells
+the people the trooth, the whole trooth an' nothin' but the trooth of
+their affairs, said people'll be down on the sityooation instanter,
+like a weasel on a nest of field mice, an' wipe the face of nacher
+free an' cl'ar of these United States."
+
+The above was drawn forth by my condemnatory comments on the published
+speech of a Senator, wherein the truth was as a grain of wheat in a
+bushel of mendacious chaff.
+
+"Shore," continued the old gentleman, with the manner of one who
+delivers final judgment, "lies is not only to be applauded, but
+fostered. They're the angle-irons an' corner-braces that keeps plumb
+the social fabric, wantin' which the whole frame-work of soci'ty would
+go leanin' sideways, same as that Eyetalian tower you shows me the
+picture of the other day. Why, if everybody in the world was to go
+tellin' the trooth for the next hour ninety-nine folks in every
+hundred would be obleeged to put in the rest of their lives hidin'
+out.
+
+"Do I myse'f ever lie?
+
+"Frequent an' plumb cheerful. I bases life on the rooles laid down by
+that sharp who advises folks to do unto others as others does unto
+them, an' beat 'em to it. Believin', tharfore, in handin' a gent his
+own system, I makes it my onbreakable practice to allers lie to liars.
+Then, ag'in, whenever some impert'nent prairie dog takes to rummagin'
+'round with queries to find out my deesigns, I onflaggingly fills him
+to the brim with all forms of misleadin' mendac'ty, an' casts every
+fictional obstruction in his path that's calc'lated to get between
+his heels an' trip him up. I shore do admire to stand all sech
+inquirin' mavericks on their heads, an' partic'ler if they're plottin'
+ag'in me.
+
+"An' why not? A party that a-way, as I some time ago instructs you,
+ain't got no more right to search my head than to search my warbags,
+an' a gent who may lock a door may lie. Which, if you'll go off by
+yourse'f an' think this yere over, you'll see that it's so, an' so
+with a double cinch.
+
+"Thar's statements, too, which, speakin' technical, might be regyarded
+as lyin' which don't in jestice class onder no sech head. For
+spec'men, when Dick Wooten, upon me askin' him how long he's been
+inhabitin' the Raton Pass, p'ints to the Spanish Peaks an' says, 'You
+see them em'nences? Well, when I pitches camp in this yere gully them
+mountings was two holes in the ground,' I don't feel like he's lyin'.
+I merely remembers that he steals the bluff from old Jim Bridger,
+grins an' lets it go at that.
+
+"Likewise, I'm sim'larly onaffected towards that amiable multitoode
+who simply lies to entertain. These yere latter sports in their
+preevar'cations is public ben'factors. You-all can spread yourse'f
+out in the ca'm shadow of their yarns, same as if it's the shade of a
+tree, an' find tharin reefreshment an' reepose.
+
+"While the most onimag'native of us, from Peets to Cherokee, ain't
+none puny as conversationists, the biggest liar, ondoubted, who ever
+comes romancin' into Wolfville is Enright's uncle, who visits him that
+time. Back in Tennessee a passel of scientists makes what this yere
+relative of Enright's deescribes as a 'Theological Survey' of some
+waste land he has on Gingham Mountain, an' finds coal. An' after that
+he's rich. Thus, in his old age, but chipper as a coopful of catbirds,
+he comes rackin' into town, allowin' he'll take a last look at his
+nephy, Sam, before he cashes in.
+
+"His name is Stallins, bein' he's kin to Enright on his mother's side,
+an' since thar's nine ahead of him--Enright's mother bein' among the
+first--an' he don't come along as a infant ontil the heel of the
+domestic hunt that a-way, he's only got it on Enright by ten years in
+the matter of age.
+
+[Illustration: THE SECOND EVENING OLD STALLINS IS WITH US, DAN BOGGS AN'
+TEXAS THOMPSON UPLIFTS HIS AGED SPERITS WITH THE "LOVE DANCE OF THE
+CATAMOUNTS." p. 43.]
+
+"No, I shore shouldn't hes'tate none to mention him as a top-sawyer
+among liars, the same bein' his constant boast an' brag. He accepts
+the term as embodyin' a compliment, an' the quick way to get his
+bristles up is to su'gest that his genius for mendac'ty is beginnin'
+to bog down.
+
+"For all that, Enright imparts to me, private, that the old gent as a
+liar ain't a marker to his former se'f.
+
+"'You've heard tell,' Enright says, 'of neighborhood liars, an'
+township liars, an' county liars; an' mebby even of liars whose fame
+as sech might fill the frontiers of a state. Take my uncle, say forty
+years ago, an' give him the right allowance of baldface whiskey, an'
+the coast-to-coast expansiveness of them fictions he tosses off shore
+entitles him to the name of champion of the nation. Compar'd to him,
+Ananias is but a ambitious amatoor.'
+
+"It's the second evenin' old Stallins is with us, an' Enright takes
+him over to Hamilton's Dance Hall, whar Boggs an' Texas--by partic'lar
+reequest--uplifts his aged sperits with that y'ear-splittin' an'
+toomultuous minyooet, the 'Love Dance of the Catamounts.' Which the
+exh'bition sets his mem'ry to millin', an' when we gets back to the
+Red Light he breaks out remin'scent.
+
+"'Sammy,' he says to Enright, 'you was old enough to rec'llect when I
+has that location over on the upper Hawgthief? Gents,' he goes on,
+turnin' to us, 'it's a six-forty, an'--side hill, swamp an' bottom--as
+good a section as any to be crossed up with between the Painted Post
+an' the 'Possum Trot. It's that "Love Dance of the Catamounts" which
+brings it to my mind, since it's then an' thar, by virchoo of a
+catamount, I wins my Sarah Ann.
+
+"'She's shore the star-eyed Venus of the Cumberland, is my Sarah Ann.
+Her ha'r, black as paint, is as thick as a pony's mane; her lips is
+the color of pokeberry juice; her cheeks--round an' soft--is as cl'ar
+an' bright an' glowin' as a sunset in Jooly; her teeth is as
+milk-white as the inside of a persimmon seed. She's five-foot-eleven
+without her mocassins, stands as up an' down as a pine tree, got a arm
+on her like the tiller of a scow, an' can heft a full-sized side of
+beef an' hang it on the hook. That's fifty years ago. She's back home
+on the Hawgthief waitin' for me now, my Sarah Ann is. You'd say she's
+as gray as a 'possum, an' as wrinkled as a burnt boot. Mebby so; but
+not to me, you bet. She's allers an' ever to me the same endoorin'
+hooman sunburst I co'tes an' marries that long time ago.'
+
+"Old Stallins pauses to reefresh himse'f, an' Texas, who's been
+fidgetin' an' frettin' since the first mention of Sarah Ann, goes
+whisperin' to Boggs.
+
+"'Can't some of you-all,' he says, plenty peevish, 'head this yere
+mushy old tarrapin off? This outfit knows what I suffers with that
+Laredo wife of mine. An' yet it looks like I'm to be tortured constant
+with tales of married folks, an' not one hand stretched out to save me
+from them reecitals.'
+
+"'Brace up,' returns Boggs, tryin' to comfort him. 'Thicken your hide
+ag'in sech childish feelin's, an' don't be so easy pierced. Besides, I
+reckons the worst's over. He's comin' now to them catamounts.'
+
+"Texas grinds his teeth, an' old Stallins resoomes his adventures.
+
+"'My Sarah Ann's old pap has his location jest across the Hawgthief
+from me. Besides him an' Sarah Ann, thar ain't nobody but the old
+woman in the fam'ly, the balance of 'em havin' been swept away in a
+freshet. Shore, old man Bender--that's Sarah Ann's pap's name--has
+fourteen children once, Sarah Ann, who's oldest, bein' the first
+chicken on the domestic roost. But the other thirteen is carried off
+one evenin' when, what with the rains an' what with the snow meltin'
+back on Gingham Mountain, the Hawgthief gets its back up. Swish comes
+a big wave of water, an' you hear me them children goes coughin' an'
+kickin' an' splutterin' into the misty beyond.
+
+"'Which I says thirteen only because that's whar old Bender allers
+puts his loss. Zeb Stiles, who lives on the Painted Post, insists that
+it's fifteen who gets swept away that time. He allows he counts them
+infant Benders two evenin's before, perched along on old Bender's
+palin's like pigeons on a limb. Thirteen or fifteen, however, it don't
+make no difference much, once they're submerged, that a-way.
+
+"'Mebby I've been co'tin' my Sarah Ann for goin' on six months, givin'
+her b'ar robes an' mink pelts, with now an' then a pa'r of bald eagle
+wings to bresh the hearth. Nothin' heart-movin', however, comes off
+between us, Sarah Ann keepin' me at arm's len'th an' comportin'
+herse'f plumb uppish, as a maiden should. She's right; a likely girl
+can't be too conserv'tive techin' what young an' boundin' bucks comes
+co'tin' at her house.
+
+"'Old Bender sort o' likes me in streaks. After he gets bereft of them
+thirteen or fifteen offspring he turns morose a whole lot, an' I used
+to go 'cross in my dugout an' cheer him up with my lies.
+
+"'Could I lie?
+
+"'My nephy, Sammy, thar'll nar'ate how I once lies a full-grown b'ar
+to death. The cunnin' varmint takes advantage of me bein' without my
+weepons, an' chases me up a tree. I ensconces myse'f in the crotch,
+an' when the b'ar starts to climb I hurls down ontrooth after ontrooth
+on top of him ontill, beneath a avalanche of falsehood, he's crushed
+dead at the base of the tree. Could I lie, you asks? Even folks who
+don't like me concedes that I'm the most irresist'ble liar south of
+the Ohio river.
+
+"'While I'm upliftin' the feelin's of old Bender mendacious that
+a-way, he likes me; it's only when we gets to kyard-playin' he waxes
+sour. He's a master-hand to gamble, old Bender is, an' as shore as I
+shows up, followin' a lie or two, he's bound he'll play me seven-up
+for a crock of baldface whiskey. Now thar ain't a sport from the Knobs
+of old Knox to the Mississippi who could make seed corn off me at
+seven-up, an' nacherally I beats old Bender out of the baldface.
+
+"'With that he'd rave an' t'ar, an' make like he's goin' to jump for
+his 8-squar' Hawkins rifle, whar she's hangin' on a pa'r of antlers
+over the door; but he'd content himse'f final by orderin' me out of
+the shack, sayin' that no sech kyard-sharpin' galoot as me need come
+pesterin' 'round allowin' to marry no child of his'n. At sech eepocks,
+too, it looks like Sarah Ann sees things through the eyes of her old
+man, an' she's more'n common icy.
+
+"'One day old Bender goes weavin' over to Pineknot, an' starts to
+tradin' hosses with Zeb Stiles. They seesaws away for hours, an' old
+Bender absorbs about two dollars' worth of licker, still-house rates.
+In the finish Zeb does him brown an' does him black on the swap, so it
+don't astonish nobody to death when next day he quiles up in his
+blankets sick. Marm Bender tries rekiverin' him with yarbs, an'
+kumfrey tea, an' sweet gum sa'v. When them rem'dies proves footile she
+decides that perhaps a frolic'll fetch him.
+
+"'It's about second drink time in the afternoon when Marm Bender
+starts out Fiddler Abe, givin' notice of the treat. I hears the old
+nigger as, mule-back, he goes meanderin' along, singin':
+
+                Thar's a smoke house full of bacon,
+                An' a barrel full of rum.
+                For to eat an' drink an' shake a laig
+                You've only got to come.
+
+"'As soon as Fiddler Abe starts singin' the girls an' boys begin
+comin' out of the woods like red ants out of a burnin' log, headin'
+hotfoot for old Bender's.
+
+"'Do I go?
+
+"'It ain't a hour after candle lightin' when, with mebby it's a pint
+of baldface onder the buckle of my belt, I'm jumpin' higher, shoutin'
+louder, an' doin' more to loosen the puncheons in the floor than any
+four males of my species who's present at that merry-makin'. It he'ps
+old Bender, too, an' inspired by the company an' onder the inflooence
+of four or five stiff toddies, he resolves not to let that hoss trade
+carry him to a ontimely grave, an' is sittin' up in his blankets,
+yellin', "Wake snakes; an' Gin'ral Jackson fit the Injuns!" in happy
+accord with the sperit of his times.
+
+"'Fiddler Abe strikes into the exyooberant strains of "Little Black
+Bull Come Down the Mountains," an' I hauls Ten-spot Mollie out of the
+gin'ral ruck of calico for a reel. We calls her Ten-spot Mollie
+because she's got five freckles on each cheek. All the same, when it
+comes to dancin', she's shore a she-steamboat. Every time we swings
+she hefts me plumb free of the floor, an' bats my heels ag'in the
+rafters ontil both ankles is sprained.
+
+"'Sarah Ann falls jealous, seem' me an' Ten-spot Mollie thus
+pleasantly engaged, an' to get even goes to simperin' an' talkin'
+giggle-talk to Mart Jenkins, who's rid in from Rapid Run. Jenks is a
+offensive numbskull who's wormed his way into soci'ty by lickin' all
+the boys 'round his side of Gingham Mountain. At that, he's merely
+tol'rated.
+
+"'Seein' Sarah Ann philanderin' with Jenks, I lets go of Ten-spot
+Mollie, who goes raspin' an' rollin' into a corner some abrupt, an'
+sa'nters across to whar they're at. Leanin' over Sarah Ann's
+off-shoulder, bein' the one furthest from that onmitigated Jenks, I
+says, "Sweetheart, how can you waste time talkin' to this yere hooman
+Sahara, whose intellects is that sterile they wouldn't raise
+cow-pease?"
+
+"'This makes Jenks oneasy, an' getting up, he reemarks, "Dick
+Stallins, I'll be the all-firedest obleeged to you if you'll attend on
+me to the foot of the hollow, an' bring your instrooments."
+
+"'At this I explains that I ain't got my instrooments with me, havin'
+left both rifle an' bowie in the dugout when I paddles over to the
+dance.
+
+"'Jenks makes a insultin' gesture, an' reetorts, "Don't crawl, Dick
+Stallins. Borry old Bender's nine-inch bootcher, an' come with me."
+
+"'To appease him I says I will, an' that I'll j'ine him at the before
+named slaughter-ground in the flicker of a lamb's tail. Jenks stalks
+off plumb satisfied, while I searches out Ben Hazlett, an' whispers
+that Jenks is askin' for him some urgent, an' has gone down the trace
+towards the foot of the hollow to look him up. Nacherally, my
+diplom'cy in this yere behalf sends Ben cavortin' after Jenks; an'
+this relieves me a heap, knowin' that all Jenks wants is a fight, an'
+Ben'll do him jest as well as me.
+
+"'Which them was shorely happy days!' he continyoos, settin' down the
+bottle wharwith he's been encouragin' his faculties. 'Troo, every gent
+has to sleep with his head in a iron kettle for fear of Injuns, an' a
+hundred dollars is bigger'n a cord of wood, but life is plenty
+blissful jest the same.'
+
+"'Was you afraid of this yere Jenks?' asks Boggs.
+
+"'No more'n if he's a streak of lightnin'. Only, I've got on a new
+huntin' shirt, made of green blanket cloth, an' I ain't none strenuous
+about havin' that gyarment all slashed up.
+
+"'To proceed: After I dispatches Ben on the heels of Jenks that a-way
+it occurs to me that mebby I'm sort o' tired with the labors of the
+evenin', an' I'll find my dugout, ferry myse'f over to my own proper
+wickyup, an' hit the hay for a snooze. I'm some hurried to the
+concloosion by the way in which eevents begins to accumyoolate in my
+immedyit vicin'ty. Bill Wheeler announces without a word of warnin'
+that he's a flyin' alligator, besides advancin' the theery that Gene
+Hemphill is about as deeserv'dly pop'lar as a abolitionist in South
+Caroliny. I suspects that this attitoode of mind on Bill's part is
+likely to provoke discussion, which suspicion is confirmed when Gene
+knocks Bill down, an' boots him into the dooryard. Once in the open,
+after a clout or two, Gene an' Bill goes to a clinch an' the fightin'
+begins.
+
+"'It ain't no time when the circumf'rence of trouble spreads. Bud
+Ingalls makes a pass at me pers'nal, an' by way of reeprisal I smashes
+a stewpan on him. Bud's head goes through the bottom, like the clown
+through them paper hoops in a cirkus, the stewpan fittin' down 'round
+his neck same as one of them Elizbethan ruffs. The stewpan ockyoopies
+so much of Bud's attention that I gets impatient, an' so, tellin' him
+I ain't got no time to wait, I leaves him strugglin' with that
+yootensil, an' strolls off down to the Hawgthief whistlin' "Sandy
+Land."
+
+"'It's dark as the inside of a cow, an' somehow I misses the dugout;
+but bein' stubborn, an' plumb sot about gettin' home, I wades in an'
+begins to swim. The old Hawgthief is bank full, but I'd have made
+t'other side all right if it ain't that, as I swims out from onder the
+overhangin' branch of a tree, somethin' drops into the water behind
+me, an' comes snarlin' an' splashin' an' spittin' along in pursoote. I
+don't pay much heed at the jump, but when it claws off my nigh
+moccasin, leavin' a inch-deep gash in my heel, I glances back an'
+perceives by the two green eyes that I've become an object of
+comsoomin' int'rest to a pa'nter, or what you-all out yere calls a
+mountain lion, an' we-uns back in Tennessee a catamount.'
+
+"'But a panther won't swim,' reemonstrates Tutt.
+
+"'Arizona catamounts won't,' returns old Stallins, 'thar bein' no
+rivers to speak of. But in Tennessee, whar thar's rivers to waste,
+them cats takes to the water like so many muskrats.
+
+"'When I finds that thar's nothin' doggin' me but a catamount, I heads
+all casyooal for whar a tree's done been lodged midstream, merely
+flingin' the reemark over my shoulder to the catamount that, if he
+keeps on annoyin' me, he'll about pick up the makin's of a maulin'.
+As I crawls out on the bole of the lodged tree, I can hear the
+catamount sniggerin', same as if he's laughin' me to scorn, an' this
+yere insultin' contoomely half-way makes me mad. Which I ain't in the
+habit of bein' took lightly by no catamount.
+
+"'Drawin' myse'f out o' the water, I straddles the bole of my tree,
+an' organizes for the catamount, who's already crawlin' after me.
+T'arin' off a convenient bough the thickness of your laig, I arranges
+myse'f as a reeception committee for visitin' catamounts, an' by way
+of beginnin' confers on my partic'lar anamile sech a bat over the
+snout that he falls back into the drink, an' starts to swimmin' fancy
+an' goin' 'round in circles, same as if his funny-bone's been teched.
+
+"'Every time he gets in reach I jabs him in the eye with the splinter
+end of the bough, an' at last he grows that disgusted at these
+formal'ties he swims off to the bank. Thar he camps down on his
+ha'nches, an' glares green-eyed at me across the ragin' flood.
+
+"'Shore, I could have raised the long yell for he'p, but am withheld
+by foolish pride. Besides, I can hear Ben an' Jenks tusslin' an'
+gruntin' an' carryin' on over in the mouth of the hollow, as they
+kyarves into each other with their knives, an' don't want to distract
+their attention.
+
+"'As I sets camped thar on my lodged tree, an' the catamount is
+planted on the bank, I hears the lippin' splash of a paddle, an' then
+a voice which sounds like a chime of bells floats across to ask, "Dick
+Stallins, you ornery runnigate, wharever be you?"
+
+"'It's my Sarah Ann, whose love, gettin' the upper hand of maidenly
+reeserve, has sent her projectin' 'round in search of me. She's in my
+dugout.
+
+"'The catamount identifies her as soon as me; an' thinkin' she ought
+to be easy, he slides into the water ag'in an' starts for the
+boat. It's that dark I ain't shore of his deesigns ontil I sees
+him reach up, tip the dugout over, an' set Sarah Ann to wallowin' in
+the rushin' torrent. The dugout upsets on the catamount, an' this so
+confooses him that, by the time he's got his bearin's, Sarah Ann's
+been swept down to my tree, an' I've lifted her to a seat by my
+side. The catamount don't try to lay siege to our p'sition,
+recognizing it as impregnable, but paddles back to the shore an'
+goes into watchful camp as prior.
+
+"'For myse'f, I'm so elevated with love an' affection at havin' Sarah
+Ann with me, I dismisses the catamount as a dead issue, an' as sech
+beneath contempt, an' by way of mollifyin' Sarah Ann's feelin's, cuts
+loose an' kisses her a gross or two of times, an' each like the crack
+of a bull-whacker's whip.
+
+"'Old Bender hears them caresses plumb up to his house--as well he
+may, they're that onreeserved an' earnest--an' thinks it's some one
+shootin' a rifle. It has the effect of bringin' out the old Spartan
+with his Hawkins; an' the first word of it that reaches me an' Sarah
+Ann is him, Marm Bender an' the whole b'ilin' of folks is down thar on
+the bank, tryin' to make out in the gen'ral dimness whatever be we-all
+lovers doin' out thar in the middle of the Hawgthief on a snag.
+
+"'They don't deetect my catamount none, which sagacious feline slinks
+off into the shadows covered with confoosion; all they sees is us. An'
+the spectacle certainly excites old Bender. "Gen'ral Jackson fit the
+Injuns!" he exclaims, as all of a sudden a thought strikes him; "that
+measly excoose for a Union Democrat out thar is seekin' to eelope with
+our Sarah Ann."
+
+"'The old murderer starts to get a bead on me with the Hawkins.
+"Father," yells Marm Bender, pullin' at his sleeve, "you shore must be
+mistook."
+
+"'Old Bender won't have it. "Maw," he returns, strivin' to disengage
+himse'f, "I was never mistook about nothin' in my life but once, an'
+that's when I shifts from baldface whiskey to hard cider on a
+temp'rance argyooment. Let me go, woman, till I drill the miscreant
+an' wash the stain from our fam'ly honor."
+
+"'Before the old hom'cide can get to launderin' the fam'ly honor in my
+blood, however, Sarah Ann has interposed. "Don't go to blazing away at
+my Dickey, pop," she sings out, "or I'll shore burn every improvement
+you got, an' leave you an' maw an' me roofless in the midst of the
+wilderness."
+
+"'This goes a long way towards soberin' down old Bender, because he
+knows my Sarah Ann's the Cumberland hollyhock to put them menaces into
+execootion. He lowers the muzzle of his old 8-squar', an' allows if I
+promises to marry the girl I can swim ashore an' be forgiven.
+
+"'Thus the matter ends mighty amic'ble. We'all goes trackin' up to the
+house, a preacher is rushed to the scene from Pineknot, an' them
+nuptials between Sarah Ann an' me is sol'mnized. Shore, Jenks an' Ben
+is thar. They're found by a committee of their friends scattered about
+at the foot of the hollow, an' is collected an' brought up to the
+weddin' in blankets. Dave Daniels, who surveys the scene next day,
+says you could plant corn whar they fit, it's that plowed up.
+
+"'Followin' the cer'mony Marm Bender an' the old gent takes me into
+their hearts an' cabin like I'm their own an' only son. He's a great
+old daddy-in-law, old Bender is, an' is ven'rated for forty miles
+about Gingham Mountain, as deevoted heart an' soul to baldface,
+seven-up an' sin in any shape.
+
+"'That match-makin' catamount?
+
+"'We hives him. Me an' my new daddy-in-law tracks him to his reetreat,
+an' when we're through he's plumb used up. I confers the pelt on my
+Sarah Ann; an' she spreads it on the floor over by her side of the
+bed, so as to put her little number sevens on it when she boils out of
+a winter's mornin' to light the fire, an' rustle me my matoot'nal
+buckwheat cakes an' sa'sage.'"
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+CYNTHIANA, PET-NAMED ORIGINAL SIN
+
+
+"This yere speecific heroine is a heap onconventional, so much so as
+to be plumb puzzlin' to the common mind. Jest the same, she finishes
+winner, an' makes herse'f a gen'ral source of pride. She don't notify
+us, none whatever, that she intends a Wolfville deboo; jest nacherally
+descends upon us, that a-way, as onannounced as a mink on a settin'
+hen. All the same, we knows she's comin' while yet she's five mile out
+on the trail. Not that we savvys who she is or what she aims at; we
+merely gets moved up next to the fact that she's a lady, an' likewise
+no slouch for looks.
+
+"We reads these yere trooths in the dust old Monte kicks up, as he
+comes swingin' in with the stage. Which it's the weakness of this
+inebriate, as I tells you former, that once let him get a lady aboard,
+it looks like it's a signal for him to go pourin' the leather into his
+team like he ain't got a minute to live. It's a p'lite attention he
+assoomes, in his besotted way, is doo the sex.
+
+"It's the more strange, too, since it's the only attention Monte ever
+pays 'em. He never looks at 'em, never speaks to 'em; simply plants
+himse'f on the box, as up an' down as a cow's tail, an' t'ars into
+them harassed hosses. If the lady he's complimentin' that a-way was to
+get jolted overboard--which the same wouldn't be no mir'cal,
+considerin' how that dipsomaniac drives--it's even money he leaves her
+hunched up like a jack-rabbit alongside the trail, an' never thinks of
+stoppin' or turnin' back. He's merely a drunkard with that one fool
+idee of showin' off, an' nothin' the stage people's ever able to say
+can teach him different. From first to last you-all could measure
+Monte's notion of the pulcritoode of a petticoat passenger by the
+extent to which he lams loose with his whip. Given what he deems is a
+she-sunburst, he shorely does maltreat the company's live stock
+shameful.
+
+"'If,' observes Peets, as a bunch of us stands gossipin' round in
+front of the Red Light that time, watchin' the dust cloud draw nearer
+an' nearer--'if it's poss'ble to imagine the old sot as havin' a
+Cleopatra to freight over from Tucson, it's a cow pony to a Mexican
+sheep he'd kill one of the wheelers.'
+
+"Thar ain't none of us knows who this yere Cleopatra the Doc refers to
+is, onless it's Colonel Sterett, who edits the _Daily Coyote_. Still,
+the compar'son is plenty convincin'. Accordin' to the Doc himself,
+this Cleopatra's a meteoric female party, as lively as she is lovely,
+who sets a passel of ancient sports to walkin' in a cirkle back
+some'ers in the mists of time. Also, it's bloo chips to white, an' bet
+'em higher than a cat's back, the Doc knows. The Doc is ondoubted the
+best eddicated gent that ever makes a moccasin track between Yuma an'
+the Raton Pass, an' when he onbuckles techin' any historic feachures,
+you can call for a gooseha'r pillow, an' go to sleep on it he ain't
+barkin' at no knot.
+
+"Thar's a feeble form of young tenderfoot pesterin' about the suburbs
+of the crowd. He's one of them hooman deficits, so plumb ornery as to
+be useless East, which their fam'lies, in gettin' rid of 'em, saws
+happ'ly off onto a onprotected West. This partic'lar racial disaster's
+been on our hands now mebbe it's six months, an' we-all is hopin'
+that in some p'intless sort o' way he'll brace up and do overt acts
+which entitles us to stampede him out of camp. But so far he don't.
+
+"This yere exile comes wanderin' into the talk by askin'--his voice as
+thin as a curlew's:
+
+"'Who is this old Monte you're alloodin' at?'
+
+"'Whoever he is?' says Boggs. 'Which if you-all'd struck camp by way
+of Tucson, instead of skulkin' upon us in the low-down fashion you
+does along of the Lordsburg-Red Dog buckboard, you wouldn't have to
+ask none. He's the offishul drunkard of Arizona, Monte is. Which the
+same should be notice, too, that it's futile for you to go ropin' at
+that p'sition. I says this, since from the quantity of Old Jordan
+you've been mowin' away, I more'n half infers that you nourishes
+designs upon the place.'
+
+"The feeble young shorthorn smiles a puny smile, and don't lunge forth
+into no more queries.
+
+"Texas, who's been listenin' to what Boggs says, squar's 'round an'
+half-way erects his crest for an argyooment. Texas has had marital
+troubles, an' him ponderin' the same constant renders him some morbid
+an' morose.
+
+"'From your tone of voice, Dan,' remarks Texas, 'I takes it you holds
+Monte's appetite for nose paint to be a deefect. That's whar I
+differs. That old marauder is a drunkard through sheer excess of
+guile. He finds in alcohol his ark of refooge. I only wish I'd took to
+whiskey in my 'teens.'
+
+"Boggs is amazed.
+
+"'Texas,' he says, plenty sorrowful, 'it wouldn't astonish me none if
+you finds your finish in a wickeyup deevoted to loonatics, playin'
+with a string of spools.'
+
+"'That's your onthinkin' way. Do you reckon now, if I'd been a slave
+to drink when that Laredo wife of mine first sees me, she'd have
+w'irled me to the altar an' made me the blighted longhorn you sees
+now? She wouldn't have let me get near enough to her to give her a
+bunch of grapes. It's my sobri'ty that's my ondoin', that an' bein'
+plumb moral. Which I onerringly traces them divorce troubles, an' her
+sellin' up my stock at public vandoo for cost an' al'mony like she
+does, to me weakly holdin' aloof from whisky when I'm young.'
+
+"'Which I shore,'--an' Boggs shows he's mighty peevish an' put
+out--'never meets up with a more exasp'ratin' conversationist! It's
+because you're sech an' egreegious egotist! You-all can't talk ten
+minutes, Texas, but what you're allers bringin' in them domestic
+affairs of yours. If you desires to discuss whiskey abstract, an' from
+what the Doc thar calls a academic standp'int, I'm your gent. But I
+declines to be drug into personal'ties, in considerin' which I might
+be carried by the heat of deebate to whar I gets myse'f shot up.'
+
+"'I sees your attitood, Dan; I sees your attitood, an' respects it.
+Jest the same, thar's an anti-nuptial side to the liquor question, an'
+bein' a drunkard that a-way is not without its compensations.'
+
+"'But he's bound to be so blurred,' reemonstrates Boggs, who by nacher
+is dispootatious, an' once started prone to swing an' rattle with a
+topic like a pup to a pig's y'ear: 'That drunkard is so plumb
+blurred.'
+
+"'Blurred but free, Dan,' retorts Texas, mighty firm. 'Don't overlook
+no sech bet as that drunkard bein' free. Also, it's better to be free
+than sober.'
+
+"'Goin' back to Monte,' says Boggs, returning to the orig'nal text;
+'half the time, over to the O.K. Restauraw when Missis Rucker slams
+him down his chuck, he ain't none shore he's eatin' flapjacks or
+rattlesnakes. The other day, when Rucker drops a plate, he jumps three
+feet in the air, throws up his hands an' yells, "Take the express box,
+gents, but spar' my life!" It's whiskey does it. The old cimmaron
+thinks it's road agents stickin' him up.'
+
+"Dispoote is only ended by the stage thunderin' in--leathers creakin',
+chains jinglin', bosses a lather of sweat an' alkali dust, Monte
+cocked up on the box as austere as a treeful of owls. He's for openin'
+the door, but Peets is thar before him. Let it get dealt down to
+showin' attentions to a lady, an' the briskest sport'll have to move
+some sudden, or the Doc'll beat him to it. Which he certainly is the
+p'litest drug sharp of which hist'ry makes mention!
+
+"The Doc offers his hand to he'p her out, but she hits the ground
+onaided as light as any leaf. Nacherally we looks her over. Take her
+from foretop to fetlocks, she's as lovely as a diamond flush. She's
+got corn-colored ha'r, an' eyes as soft as the sky in Joone. Peets
+calls 'em azure--bein' romantic. As for the rest of us, we don't call
+'em nothin'. Thar's a sprightly look about 'em, which would shore
+jestify any semi-proodent gent in jumpin' sideways. Likewise, she's
+packin' a Colt's .45, an' clutchin' a winchester in her little claw,
+the same contreebutin' a whole lot toward makin' her impressive as a
+pageant.
+
+"'How are you, sports?' she says, tossin' her disengaged hand a
+heap arch. 'I gets word about you-all up in Vegas, an' allows I'll
+come trundlin' down yere an' size you up. My idee is you needs
+regen'ratin'.'
+
+"'Is thar anything we-all can he'p you to, Miss?' asks Enright, who
+takes the play away from Peets. 'If aught is wanted, an' thar's a
+lariat in the outfit long enough to reach, you-all can trust Wolfville
+to rope, throw an' hawg-tie the same accordin' to your wishes.'
+
+"'Yes,' adds Peets, 'as Sam says, if thar's any little way we-all can
+serve you, Miss, jest say the word. Likewise, if you don't feel like
+speakin', make signs; an' if you objects to makin' signs, shake a
+bush. All we reequires is the slightest hint.'
+
+"'Be ca'm,' says the young lady, her manner as se'f-confident as if
+she's a queen. 'Thar's nothin' demanded of you outlaws except to
+tamely listen. I'm a se'f-respectin', se'f-supportin' young female,
+who believes in Woman Suffrage, an' the equality of the sexes in
+pol'tics an' property rights. Which my name is Bark, baptized
+Cynthiana, the same redooced by my old pap, while yet alive, into the
+pet name of Original Sin. It's my present purpose to become a citizen
+of this yere camp, an' take my ontrammeled place in its commercial
+life by openin' a grogshop. Pendin' which, do you-all see this?'--an'
+she dallies gently with a fringe of b'ar-claws she's wearin' as a
+necklace, the same bein' in loo of beads. 'That grizzly's as big an'
+ugly as him.' Yere she tosses a rose-leaf hand at Boggs, who breaks
+into a profoose sweat. 'I downs him. Also, I'll send the first
+horned-toad among you, who pays me any flagrant attentions, pirootin'
+after that b'ar. Don't forget, gents: my name's Bark, Cynthiana Bark,
+pet-named Original Sin, an' thar's a bite goes with the Bark.'
+
+"Havin' conclooded this yere salootatory, Miss Bark, givin' a
+coquettish flourish to her winchester, goes trapsein' over to the O.
+K. Restauraw, leavin' us--as the story-writer puts it--glooed to the
+spot. You see it ain't been yoosual for us to cross up with ladies
+who, never waitin' for us to so much as bat an admirin' eye or wag an
+adorin' y'ear, opens neegotations by threatenin' to shoot us in two.
+
+"'Thar's a young lady,' says Peets, who's first to ketch his breath,
+'that's got what I calls _verve_.'
+
+"'Admittin' which,' observes Enright, some doubtful, havin' been
+thrown back on his hocks a whole lot; 'some of you-all young bucks
+must none the less have looked at her in a improper way to start her
+ghost-dancin' like she does.'
+
+"Enright's eye roves inquirin'ly from Boggs to Texas, an' even takes
+in Tutt.
+
+"'Not me!' declar's Texas, plenty fervent; 'not me!--more'n if she's a
+she rattlesnake!'
+
+"'As the husband of Tucson Jennie,' observes Tutt, his air some
+haughty--which he allers puts on no end of dog whenever he mentions
+his fam'ly--'as the husband of Tucson Jennie, an' the ondoubted father
+of that public ornament an' blessin', little Enright Peets Tutt, I do
+not regyard it as up to me to cl'ar myse'f of no sech charges.'
+
+"'Sam,' says Boggs, his voice reproachful, 'you notes how she makes
+invidious compar'sons between me an' that b'ar, an' how she beefs the
+b'ar? After which gratooitous slur it's preeposterous to s'ppose I'd
+go admirin' her or to takin' any chances.'
+
+"'Then it's you,' says Enright, comin' round on the puny tenderfoot.
+'Jack,' he continyoos, appealin' to Jack Moore, who's kettle-tender to
+the Stranglers, of which arm of jestice Enright is chief--'Jack, do
+you reemark any ontoward looks or leers on the part of this yere
+partic'lar prairie dog, calc'lated to alarm a maiden of fastidious
+feelin's?'
+
+"'Sir,' breaks in the feeble young tenderfoot, an' all mighty
+tremyoolous, 'as shore as my name is Oscar Freelinghuysen I never even
+glances at that girl. I ain't so much as present while she's issuin'
+her deefiances. I lapses into the Red Light the moment I observes how
+she's equipped, an' Black Jack, the barkeep, will ver'fy my words.'
+
+"'All right,' warns Enright, plumb severe, 'you be careful an' conduct
+yourself deecorous. Wolfville is a moral camp. Thar's things done
+every day an' approved of in Noo York which'd get a gent downed in
+Wolfville.'
+
+"'That Miss Bark mentions she's Woman Suffrage, Sam?' observes Boggs,
+in a questionin' way, as we stands sloppin' out a recooperative forty
+drops in the Red Light.
+
+"'Shore!' replies Enright. 'The Doc yere can tell you all about 'em.
+As I onderstands, they're a warlike bevy of women who voylently
+resents not bein' born men. Thar's one thing, however; I sincerely
+trusts that none of you young sports'll prove that forward an' onwary
+as to go callin' her by her pet name of Original Sin. Which she might
+take advantage of it. Them exponents of women's rights is plumb full
+of the onexpected, that a-way, an' it's my belief that all who ain't
+honin' to commit sooicide'll be careful an' address her as Miss
+Bark.'
+
+"'Be they many of that Woman Suffrage brand?' persists Boggs.
+
+"'Herds of 'em,' chips in Peets. 'The Eastern ranges is alive with
+'em. But they don't last. As a roole they gets married, an' that's
+gen'rally speakin' the end of their pernicious activ'ties. Wedlock is
+a heap apt to knock their horns off.'
+
+"Faro Nell, Tucson Jennie an' Missis Rucker don't take to this Miss
+Bark's Woman Suffrage views.
+
+"'She's welcome,' says the latter esteemable cook an' matron, 'to her
+feelin's; but she mustn't come preachin' no doctrine to me, wharof the
+effects is to lower me to Rucker's level. I've had trouble enough
+redoocin' that ground-hawg to where he belongs, an' I ain't goin' to
+sacrifice the work of years for no mere sentiments.'
+
+"'Which I shore agrees with you, Missis Rucker,' says Nell, lookin' up
+from some plum preeserves she's backin' off the noonday board to
+consider Cherokee, who's settin' next; 'a woman has enough to do to
+boss one gent, without tryin' to roole broadcast over whole
+commoonities.'
+
+"At this exchange of views Cherokee softly grins like a sharp who can
+see his way through. As for Rucker, who's waitin' on the table an'
+packin' in viands from the kitchen, he takes it as sullen as a
+sorehead dog. Personal, I ain't got no use for Rucker; but between
+us, Missis Rucker, one way an' another, does certainly oppress him
+grievous.
+
+"Before the week is out we knows a lot more about Miss Bark than we
+does when she first comes prancin' out upon us from Monte's stage. Not
+that thar's aught ag'inst the lady. It's doo to Enright, who begins
+recollectin' things.
+
+"'Which I knows her pop,' explains Enright, 'now my mem'ry's assertin'
+itse'f, I knows him when he first comes bulgin' into the Pecos Valley,
+eighteen years ago. This Original Sin daughter an' her maw don't show
+up none till later. Thar's no more innocent form of tenderfoot than
+Bark ever comes weavin' into the Southwest. He's that ignorantly
+innocent, wild geese is as wise as serpents to him. But he's full of a
+painstakin' energy, all the same, an' mighty assidyoous to learn.'
+
+"'Whatever does he turn to?' asks Texas.
+
+"'He hires out to a peach ranch. An' this'll show you how industrious,
+that a-way, this Bark tarrapin is. The peach ranch party has a measly
+bunch of sheep. He keeps 'em nights in a box-tight board corral, so's
+the coyotes can't get to mingle with 'em none. Days he throws 'em
+loose to feed. The first evenin' the peach ranch gent tells this yere
+Bark to corral the sheep, an' then come in for supper. "An' be shore,"
+says the peach ranch party, "you gets 'em all in."
+
+"'An hour goes by, an' the peach ranch party is about through his
+feed, when this yere Bark drifts up to the table. His face is flushed,
+but he's w'arin' a look of triumph. "I hives 'em," says he, some
+exultant; "only one lamb does shore force me to extend myse'f a lot.
+I'll gamble I runs a hundred miles before I rounds him up."
+
+"'Next mornin' the peach ranch party goes out to throw loose them
+sheep. As he cranes his neck over the corral fence to count the bunch
+he's amazed to see a jack-rabbit galumpin' about among 'em. "Gin'ral
+Jackson fit the English!" he exclaims; "however does that jack-rabbit
+get himse'f mixed in with them sheep?" An' he p'ints it out to Bark.
+
+"'That ontootered person is all astonishment. "Jack-rabbit!" says he.
+"Why, I hopes next fall to vote the reepublican ticket an' die
+disgraced if I don't put it down for a lamb! That's the anamile which
+makes me run my laigs off roundin' of him up!"'
+
+"'Which, as you says, Sam,' reemarks Tutt, signin' up to Black Jack to
+set out the bottles, 'in the face of sech a showin' that Bark party
+must have been plenty ardent.'
+
+"'I should shore yell!' coincides Boggs.
+
+"'But he learns in time, of course?' questions Nell.
+
+"'Learns, Nellie?' repeats Enright; 'it ain't three years before he
+identifies himse'f with the life about him to that degree he bumps off
+two kyard sharps who tries to cold-deck him in a poker game, an' finds
+besides his steady employment stealin' old John Chisholm's calves,
+tharby assistin' in plantin' the toomultous seed of what comes
+subsequent to be called the Lincoln County War.'
+
+"'What's the finish of this interestin' crim'nal?' asks Cherokee.
+
+"'Lynched,' returns Enright. 'They puts him over the jump at Seven
+Rivers. You see this Rattlesnake--they calls him Rattlesnake Bark in
+them later years--is bunked down in one of these yere jim-crow,
+barn-board hotels. Thar's a resoundin' form of guest in the adjoinin'
+room, snorin' to beat four kings an' a ace. Rattlesnake tries poundin'
+on the partition, an' sw'arin' at him, an' callin' him a hoss thief.
+It's no avail. The snores of that boarder sounds like sawin' planks,
+an' fa'rly rocks the shack--they're that stormy. Final, when
+Rattlesnake's burdens gets to be more'n flesh an' blood can b'ar, he
+reaches for his .45, an' bombards that sleeper good an' plenty through
+the wall. It turns out it's the new jedge. In the mornin', when this
+joorist is discovered too dead to skin, the public is that mortified
+it takes Rattlesnake out as soon as breakfast's over, an' strings him
+to a limb.'
+
+"'Don't this pore Rattlesnake get no hearin'?' asks Nell.
+
+"'You see, Nellie,' Enright explains, 'what with maverickin' the
+Chisholm calves, an' a stage or two hold-up which p'ints to him, the
+close season's been out as to this Rattlesnake person for mighty like
+a year. Not but what he might have made preperations. Thar's a
+reeligious party present who asks Rattlesnake if he wants to pray
+some. "Which you'll cross the dark river all the easier," expounds the
+reeligious gent. But Rattlesnake reefuses his ministrations. "I'm
+what I be," he says; "an' as for that dark river you refers to, I
+ain't lookin' for no shallow ford."
+
+"'This Rattlesnake,' continyoos Enright, 'is willin' to learn to the
+last. It's his way. Spring a new game on him an' he's out instanter
+lookin' for information an' advice. That's why he comes on so fast.
+Thar bein' nothin' to stand him on for the purpose of bein' lynched,
+the Stranglers posed Rattlesnake a-top of a stack of hay, which is
+heaped up onder the tree they're yootilizin'. When the lariat is round
+his neck, an' he's disposed of the reeligious party who attempts to
+turn the business into a pra'r meetin', Rattlesnake looks at the chief
+of the committee an' says, "This yere bein' hanged from hay-cocks is
+plumb new to me entire, an' tharfore I'm obleeged to ask whether
+you-all expects me to jump off or slide?"'
+
+"'Well,' comments Jack Moore, drawin' a deep breath, 'the old
+murderer's game--misguided, mebby, but game.'
+
+"'That may be as it may,' observes Boggs, plenty thoughtful, 'but
+after all I regyards these yere details which Sam onfurls as chiefly
+valyooable as sheddin' a ray on this Miss Bark. On the chance that she
+takes after her old man, from now on I'm goin' to walk 'round her like
+she's a swamp.'
+
+"It's ten days after Miss Bark hits camp that things begins to focus.
+An old Mexican, the color of a blacksmith's apron, an' his wife, who's
+the same prosaic tint, comes creakin' along with a six-mule team--two
+wagons, lead an' trail--loaded to the gyards with stock an' fixtures.
+Said par'fernalia havin' arrived, Miss Bark busts in the door of the
+old deserted Lady Gay, an' takes possession. Armstrong, who runs the
+Noo York store, is the owner of the Lady Gay, but onder the
+circumstances he allows it'd be the act of a barbarian to interfere.
+
+"Besides, the attitoode of the young lady herse'f is plumb discouragin'.
+
+"'I'd shore admire,' she remarks, as, with the aid of her Mexicans,
+she goes tossin' things into p'sition, 'to see some male felon try to
+run a bluff about him havin' title to this Lady Gay structure, an'
+becomin' my landlord. Men have tyrannized a heap too long as it is
+over onprotected women, an' thar's one at least who's took in patient
+silence all she will.'
+
+"When Miss Bark's organized, she tacks up over the door a sign which
+the painter at the stage station preepar's. It reads:
+
+                        VOTES FOR WOMEN SALOON
+
+"'Only get it straight,' says Miss Bark when she has us close-herded
+at chuck time in the dinin' room of the O. K. Restauraw; 'I ain't
+openin' this saloon none with a view to sordid gain. I got money
+enough right now to buy an' burn this yere deboshed town of Wolfville,
+an' then prance over an' purchase an' apply the torch to that equally
+abandoned outfit, Red Dog. What I'm reachin' for is the p'litical
+uplift of this camp. Recognizin' whiskey as a permanency an' that
+saloons has come to stay, I aims to show folks how them reesorts
+should be run. I hopes to see the day when every s'loon'll be in the
+hands of ladies. For I holds that once woman controls the nosepaint of
+the nation the ballot is bound to follow.'
+
+"Once it's started we-all manages to patronize the Votes For Women
+S'loon for a average of three drinks a day. Enright advises it as
+safer.
+
+"'Otherwise she might resent it,' explains Enright, 'an' armed to the
+teeth like she is, an' possessin' them perfervid idees, thar's no
+tellin' whar she'd end.'
+
+"None of us feels like hangin' out thar. The atmosphere is too plumb
+formal. Besides, this yere Miss Bark has rooles. No kyards is
+permitted; an', moreover, you've got to go outdoors to sw'ar. As to
+drinks, the soberest among us can't get licker oftener than every
+other time, while Monte can't get none at all. That Votes For Women
+S'loon, considered as a house of call, is, an' put it mildest,
+certainly depressin'.
+
+"When I speaks of us patronizin' Miss Bark for three daily drinks,
+that a-way, thar's exceptions. Monte, as I states, is barred by the
+lady personal on the grounds of him bein' a slave to drink; while Tutt
+is forbid by Tucson Jennie. Tutt chafes some at them mandates of
+Jennie's; but bein' keenly alive as to what's comin' to her, as well
+as what she's cap'ble of, in her triple role of woman, wife an'
+mother, he yields.
+
+"As for Texas, while he subscribes to them three diurnal drinks, he
+allers insists that he has company.
+
+"'It's all right,' Texas'd say; 'I ain't intimatin' that this Miss
+Bark goes cherishin' designs. But it's my onbreakable roole, since
+them divoice experiences, to never enter the presence of onmarried
+ladies onless attended by witnesses.'
+
+"Owin' to which, some of us allers trails in along with Texas when he
+visits the Votes For Women S'loon. Even when thus protected he
+onflaggin'ly confines his observations to 'Licker, Miss, please!' an'
+stops thar as dumb as graven images. Once the licker's before him he
+heaves it into himse'f same as if it's drugs, an' instantly pulls his
+freight a heap speedy, breathin' hard. An' all as scared as a
+jack-rabbit that's heard the howl of a wolf.
+
+"Does Miss Bark go proselytin' 'round concernin' them Rights of Women?
+Which she shore does! You may say she omits no opportoonity. It's
+before Wolfville gets that effete it mixes drinks, an' any one who
+knows water from whiskey can 'tend bar. Wharfore, Miss Bark stands
+watch an' watch with her old Mexican, Pancho. The times she herse'f is
+min'sterin' to our needs she's preachin' Woman Suffrage incessant.
+Also, not bein' plumb locoed, we bows in concord tharunto. Enright an'
+Peets both concurs that it's the thing to do, an' we does it.
+
+"'Whatever difference does it make?' says Enright; 'the price of
+steers remains the same, three-of-a-kind continyoos to beat two pa'r,
+thar's still fifty-two kyards in a faro deck, an' every other law of
+nacher survives onteched. My notion is to agree with this Miss Bark,
+verbal, an' trust to Wolfville's onbeatable luck to pull us through.'
+
+"This counsel sounds good to us, an' we follows it. When Miss Bark
+sets forth her woman's rights fulm'nations along with her nosepaint,
+we murmurs a hearty assent, an' drinks down both impartial. Boggs,
+who's 'motional an' easy worked on, even gets to whar he gives it out
+he's actchooally a convert.
+
+"Miss Bark has been on the map for mebby it's a week, then thar occurs
+a eeposide which, while it makes no profound impression, deceased
+bein' a Mexican, shows she ain't packin' her pap Rattlesnake's old
+Colt's .45 in a sperit of facetiousness. It's about third drink time
+one evenin' when thar's the dull roar of a gun from over in the Votes
+For Women S'loon. When we arrives we finds a dead greaser carelessly
+quiled up near the door, an' Miss Bark snappin' the empty shell out of
+her six-shooter.
+
+"'He was roode,' is the only explanation she vouchsafes; an' Enright,
+after lookin' at Peets a spell, who's lookin' at the ceilin', says
+it's s'fficient.
+
+"'Only,' says Enright, when we're all back safe in the Red Light, 'I
+sincerely trusts she won't get her hindsights notched up to whar she
+takes to bumpin' off _Americanos_. I shore don't know whatever in sech
+case we could do, vig'lance committees, in the very essence of their
+construction, possessin' no joorisdiction over ladies.'
+
+"'That's right, Sam,' says Peets, plenty grave; 'if it ever gets to
+whar this Miss Bark turns her artillery loose on the camp permis'cus
+the only hope left would be to adjourn Wolfville _sine die_.'
+
+"Miss Bark, however, never does grow homicidal toward any of us, an'
+the only effect of her puttin' that Mexican over is that it inclines
+folks gen'ral to step high an' softly on what occasions they're found
+plantigradin' about in her s'ciety.
+
+"One week, two weeks, three weeks goes by, an' since a dead Mexican
+more or less ain't calc'lated to leave no onefface'ble scars the
+incident is all but forgot, when a second uprisin' takes place in the
+Votes For Women S'loon. This time it's that sickly curlew-voiced Oscar
+who's the shriekin' center of eevents. Most of us is jest filin' out
+of the O. K. Restauraw, pickin' our teeth after our matootinal
+reepast, when we beholds this yere Oscar boilin' fo'th from the Votes
+For Women S'loon, all spraddled out. As he goes t'arin' down the
+street Miss Bark seelects a graceful p'sition in the door, an' ca'mly
+pumps three loads at him out of her winchester. When I says she pumps
+them bullets at Oscar it's to be took conserv'tive; for none of 'em
+hits him, but only tosses up the dust about his flyin' feet. At the
+last shot Oscar cripples down in a shiverin' heap; an' with that Texas
+an' Boggs, not knowin' the extent of his injuries, rolls him onto a
+blanket an' packs him to his room over at the O. K. House, so's Peets
+can prospect his frame all scientific locatin' the lead.
+
+"Thar bein' no lead, as reelated, Peets reeports final to that
+effect.
+
+"'Only,' says Peets, 'he's scared up to sech extents that if our Joan
+of Arc had dusted his gaiters with so much as two more bullets he'd
+have been beyond medical skill.'
+
+"Followin' the foosilade Miss Bark sends for Enright.
+
+"'It's this way,' she goes on, when Enright arrives. 'That shorthorn
+Oscar comes lurchin' in, an' asks for nosepaint. As he stands thar,
+puttin' it onder his belt--me meanwhile swabbin' off the bar--he
+mentions that his paw's rich, an' his step-maw's jest died, leavin'
+him an' his paw alone. Then he calls attention to the presence in camp
+of that strayed sky-pilot, who preaches an' passes the hat the other
+evenin' over in the wareroom of the Noo York store. It's now, havin'
+got the bar tittivated to my taste, I has time to look this Oscar
+person's way, an' I finds him gloatin' over me in form an' manner not
+to be mistook. "Whatever be you leerin' at?" I deemands, bein' I'm in
+no mood for insults. Tharupon, he cuts loose a mouthful of platitoodes
+concernin' wedlock, an' about me bein' the soul of his soul. Havin'
+stood it a while, an' findin' my forbearance makes him worse, I grabs
+my winchester whar it's reposin' ready for eemergincies on the
+dripboard, an' you knows the rest.'
+
+"'With your free consent, Miss,' says Enright, 'I'd like to put one
+query. Was you aimin' to down, or to simply skeer this Oscar?'
+
+"'I was only skeerin' him up some,' replies Miss Bark coyly. 'W'y, if
+I was reely out for his skelp, I'd have shore got it a heap. You can
+pin a patch the size of a dollar on that disparin' lover's coat, an'
+I'll cut it nine times in ten, offhand, at a hundred yards.'
+
+"'Tests is not reequired,' Enright interposes, plenty hasty; 'it's
+part of the organic law of this yere camp that a lady's word, even
+about her age, is to be took onchallenged.'
+
+"'Which I'm flattered,' says Miss Bark. 'Now, is thar anything else?'
+
+"'Only this,' returns Enright. 'As long as he gives you cause, an' you
+can shoot like you says, why ever don't you down him?'
+
+"'Which I confesses,' says Miss Bark, a blush mantlin' her brow,
+'that sech is my orig'nal intentions when I reaches for my weepon. But
+jest as I sees that Oscar through the sights it comes upon me that
+thar's nothin' in bein' preecip'tate, an' mebby I'd better give myse'f
+the needed time to think his offer over.'
+
+"Enright shakes his wisdom-freighted head; when he relates his talk to
+Peets, the Doc shakes his head sim'lar in sapient yoonison.
+
+"'Which I'll bet a hatful of yellow chips,' says Boggs, who's stood
+listenin', 'ag'inst a handful of whites, that this yere Miss Bark
+makes herse'f an' that Oscar shorthorn man an' wife.'
+
+"'Now I wouldn't wonder none,' observes Peets, replyin' to the look in
+Enright's eye. 'That shootin' needn't count. A troo affection is
+freequent boisterous, that a-way.'
+
+"'An' in case,' says Enright, 'the kyards do fall in favor of
+matrimony, it'll most likely be the end of that Votes For Women
+S'loon. I begins to see how this yere ongrateful outfit may yet get
+deep in debt to that egreegious Oscar.'
+
+"None of us ever says so, but it's the common belief that Texas
+connives at this yere threatened Oscar's escape. In any case, the
+next mornin' Oscar goes catfoot out of the O. K. House before folks is
+up, an' takes to hidin' out. The fact is he's layin' for Monte an' the
+stage, about ten mile no'th of camp. Leastwise, he's thar a heap when
+Monte comes along, an' deemands that he be took up an' carried to
+Tucson.
+
+"It ain't first drink time before this Oscar's missed, an' by second
+drink time the news has drifted over to Miss Bark. It's Peets who
+informs her, an' he tells us, when reelatin' the incident, that the
+way that deeserted lady knits her brow is a caution to philos'phers.
+
+"'So,' she says at last, 'that onmitigated seedoocer thinks to leave
+me in this heartless way. He'll find before he's through that it's no
+light matter to charm into fervent life a love like mine.'
+
+"'It's the theery, Miss,' says Peets, 'of the best minds in camp that
+this Oscar's hit the Tucson trail afoot, with a plan of headin' off
+the stage.'
+
+"Ten minutes an' Miss Bark is in the saddle, a lead pony gallopin' by
+her side, in hot pursoote of the dir'lect.
+
+"'That lead pony looks om'nous, Doc,' observes Enright, as the two
+stands watchin' Miss Bark's departure.
+
+"'It's prov'dential,' remarks Peets, as he heads the procession to the
+Red Light, 'that that sky-pilot's aboard the stage. Which he ought to
+work in plumb handy.'
+
+"Six hours later Miss Bark comes surgin' in with her Oscar foogitive,
+his heels tied onder the belly of the lead hoss. Any one can see by
+his benumbed expression that he's a married man. The two heads
+straight for the Votes For Women S'loon, an' after boltin' her new
+he'pmeet into the back room, Miss Bark takes a peek in the glass, pats
+down her ha'r, an' goes behind the bar as yoosual.
+
+"'Yes,' she replies, an' all a heap modest an' artless, as Peets an'
+Enright--actin' on behalf of the camp--gyardedly inquires if they're
+to offer congratulations, 'I reckon you may. An' the best part is that
+my dear Oscar's so plumb ready an' willin'. Which I never knows a
+bridegroom, gents, who gets married with so little struggle.'
+
+[Illustration: "IT'S YOU, OSCAR, THAT I WANT," OBSERVES MISS BARK. "I
+CONCLOODES, UPON SOBER SECOND THOUGHT, TO ACCEPT YOUR OFFER OF MARRIAGE."
+p. 93.]
+
+"'How soon, Missis Freelinghuysen,' says Peets, 'do you-all reckon on
+lettin' this Oscar husband out?'
+
+"'Oh,' she returns, 'as soon as ever it's safe. Jest now he's some
+onstrung; but in a day or two I figger he'll begin to get reeconciled
+to his bliss. An' at that, my main idee in lockin' him up is one of
+reeform rather than restraint. Oscar's been over-drinkin' himse'f of
+late; an' I aims to get the whiskey out of him, so as I can form some
+reas'nable estimate of how much of a husband that a-way I've done
+roped up.'
+
+"'Is thar any objections,' asks Enright, 'to our visitin' this modern
+pris'ner of Chillon? We binds ourselves to say nothin' that'll fret
+him, or set him to beatin' his life out ag'inst the bars.'
+
+"'W'y, shore,' she replies, 'you-all is quite welcome. I only hopes
+you'll teach him to look at things in their proper light.'
+
+"'It ain't so much,' says this Oscar husband, when Enright an' Peets
+calls upon him in his captivity, 'that I've been hurried, onregyardful
+of my feelin's, into the married state. But, gents, my parent is doo,
+accordin' to his last letter, to come curvin' in yere any minute; an'
+whatever do you-all reckon now he's goin' to say?'
+
+"Enright an' Peets is so moved they promises the imprisoned Oscar
+their support, an' this leaves him, if not hopeful, at least some
+cheered.
+
+"Monte gives his version of them nuptials when he returns from
+Tucson.
+
+"'Which it's this a-way, pards,' says Monte. 'I'm twenty miles no'th
+of yere, when somethin' flashes by with a lead hoss, like arrows.
+Thinks I, "That's a hoss thief gettin' away with some stock"; an',
+allowin' Jack Moore'll be hard on his neefarious hocks, I'm lookin'
+back to see can I raise Jack's dust. The next I knows, an' all as
+sudden as a pan of milk from a top shelf, I hears a silv'ry voice
+remarkin': "Set your brake!" an' turnin' my head I finds a winchester
+p'intin' as squar' between my eyes as you-all could lay your finger.
+Gents, thar's something mighty cogent about a winchester that a-way,
+an' I shore shoves on the brake with sech abandon I snaps the shank
+short off.'
+
+"'Wharever is this Oscar party?' asks Enright.
+
+"'He's with me on the box; an' when this yere intrepid Miss Bark takes
+to dom'neerin' at us with that rifle he collapses. "It's you, Oscar,"
+observes this Miss Bark, shiftin' the muzzle to him. "Upon second
+thought I concloods to accept your offer of marriage."
+
+"'Which at that crisis,' remarks Peets, 'this Oscar of course breaks
+into loud an' joyful cries.'
+
+"'Not exactly. In fact, his tones if anything is some low-sperited. "I
+takes it," he says, when he's able to command his feelin's, "that you
+declines them proffers with your winchester at the time when made."
+But the lady dismisses this as a quibble, an' merely sayin' that she
+won't be paltered with no farther, orders Oscar an' the Bible sharp
+who's ridin' inside to assemble by the edge of the trail. The Bible
+sharp attempts to lay the foundations of fresh objections by askin'
+Oscar does he do this of his own free will; but the muzzle of the
+winchester--which the bride all along reetains in her hands--begins
+movin' 'round in his direction, observin' which man'festation he
+pronounces 'em husband an' wife. "What heaven has j'ined together,"
+says he, "let no man put asunder." After which he blesses 'em, an'
+reeports the last cinch fastened. "Pay him, Oscar," whispers the
+bride. Wharupon Oscar, his fingers tremblin', squars the Bible sharp
+with the price of a brace of steers, an' the deed is done. Now he's
+hers for better or worse, she ropes his heels together onder the belly
+of her lead hoss, an' the happy pa'r goes romancin' back for
+Wolfville, while I kicks loose what's left of the brake an' p'ints out
+ag'in for Tucson.'
+
+"On the third day, by givin' his parole an' promising to fondly
+reeport to his spouse once every hour, Oscar is permitted to go
+reecreatin' about the camp.
+
+"'Only,' says the lady, by way of warnin' to Black Jack, 'thar's to be
+no drinks.'
+
+"These yere strained conditions preevails for mebby it's five days,
+when, as the stage swings in to the post office one evenin', a stout
+florid old gent gets out. He comes puffin' up to Peets a heap
+soopercilious.
+
+"'Do you-all know a addle-pated an' semi-eediotic young party,' says
+he, 'who's named Oscar Freelinghuysen?'
+
+"'Why, yes,' returns Peets, 'I do. Onless my mem'ry's pulled its
+picket pin an' gone plumb astray he's the eboolient sharp who
+conclooded a somewhat toomultuous courtship last week by gettin'
+married. He's in the shank of his honeymoon as we stands chattin'
+yere.'
+
+"The florid gent glares at Peets, his feachures the color of liver,
+his eyes stickin' out like the eyes of a snail.
+
+"'Married!' he gasps, an' falls in a apoplectic fit.
+
+"It takes a week an' all the drugs Peets has got before that
+apoplectic's able to sit up an' call for nosepaint. An' whatever do
+you think? His daughter-in-law, but onbeknownsts to him as sech,
+nurses him from soda to hock. Oscar Joonior? By advice of Enright that
+prodigal's took to cover over in Red Dog ontil we've made shore about
+the fatted calf.
+
+"The former Miss Bark puts up that nursin' game with Peets, an' day
+an' night she hangs over her apoplectic father-in-law like a painter
+over a picture. She's certainly as cunnin' as a pet fox! She dresses
+as quiet as a quail an' makes her voice as softly sober as a suckin'
+dove's. In the end she's got that patient hypnotized.
+
+"After Peets declar's him out of danger, an' all propped up in his
+blankets he's subscribed to mighty likely it's the fifth drink, the
+apoplectic begins to shed tears a heap profoose, an' relate to his
+nurse--the former Miss Bark--how his two wives has died, leavin' him a
+lonely man. She, the former Miss Bark, is his only friend--he
+says--an' he winds up his lamentations by recommendin' that she become
+his third.
+
+"'You're the only hooman heart who ever onderstands me,' he wails,
+gropin' for her hand, 'an' now my ongrateful boy has contracted a
+messalliance I shore wants you for my wife.'
+
+"She hangs her head like a flower at night, an' lets on she's a heap
+confoosed.
+
+"'Speak,' he pleads; 'tell me that you'll be mine.'
+
+"'Which I'd shore admire to, but I can't,' she murmurs; 'I'm wedded to
+your son.'
+
+"The old apoplectic asks for more licker in a dazed way, an' sends for
+Peets. The Doc an' him goes into execyootive session for most an
+hour; meanwhile the camp's on edge.
+
+"At the close the Doc eemerges plumb radiant.
+
+"'Everything's on velvet,' he says; 'thar's never a more joodicious
+convalescent. He freely admits, considerin' the sort of daughter-in-law
+he's acquired, that Oscar has more sense than folks suspects.'
+
+"Now that the skies is cl'ared, the bridegroom is fetched back from
+Red Dog, an' thar's a grand reeconciliation.
+
+"'We'll all go back East together,' sobs father-in-law Freelinghuysen,
+holdin' both their hands.
+
+"Two days later they starts, Missis Freelinghuysen Joonier lookin'
+after father-in-law Freelinghuysen same as if he's a charlotte
+roosse.
+
+"The Votes For Women S'loon?
+
+"It's kept a secret, at Peet's su'gestion, him bein' apoplectic that
+a-way. The stock is bought by public subscription of the camp, an'
+when the Freelinghuysen household is out of sight an' hearin' we
+invites Red Dog over in a body an' onbelts in a mod'rate orgy. The
+sign, 'Votes For Women S'loon,' is now preeserved in the custody of
+the Wolfville Historical Society, which body is called into active
+bein' upon motion of Peets, while Red Dog an' us is drinkin' up the
+stock."
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+OLD MONTE, OFFICIAL DRUNKARD
+
+
+"Shore; Monte's the offishul drunkard of Arizona." The old cattleman
+was answering my question. "Or, seein' that mebby Wolfville's
+joorisdiction won't be held none to reach beyond, let's say the
+offishul drunkard of Cochise County. That's Monte's civic designation;
+offishul drunkard, an' meant to fix his social place.
+
+"Does he resent it?
+
+"Which he proudly w'ars that title like it's a kingly crown! It's as
+good as even money that to ondertake to sep'rate him from it, or deny
+the same, is the one single thing he bristles up at an' give you a
+battle over.
+
+"Which this yere last should mean a heap, since Monte's plumb pacific
+by nacher, an' abhors war to the mean confines of bein' timid. To be
+shore, he'll steam at the nose, an' paw the sod, an' act like he's out
+to spread rooin far an' wide--that he's doo to leave everything in
+front of him on both sides of the road. But in them perfervid
+man'festations he don't reely intend nothin' either high or heenious,
+or more'n jest to give his se'f-respect an outing that a-way. Let the
+opp'sition call him down, an' the crafty old cimmaron'll go to the
+diskyard instanter.
+
+"Which at that, Monte ain't without his interestin' side. When onder
+the inflooence of nosepaint, which last is constant, he has three
+distinct moods. About the fo'th drink, let a stranger show up,
+an'--all aff'ble an' garyoolous--Monte's right thar to do the honors.
+When the stranger, gettin' weary, kicks Monte off him, the same bein'
+shore to happen final since no one formed in the image of his Maker
+can put up with them verbal imbecil'ties of his beyond a given len'th
+of time, he'll arch his back an'--apparently--wax that f'rocious a
+wronged grizzly to him is as meek as milk. An' yet, as I tells you,
+it's simply a blazer; an' the moment the exasperated stranger begins
+betrayin' symptoms of goin' to a showdown, Monte lapses into his third
+mood of haughty silence, an' struts off like it's beneath him to bandy
+words.
+
+"That's the savin' clause in Monte's constitootion; he may get drunk,
+but he never gets injoodicious. Thar's a sport from some'ers over
+'round Shakespear in the dance hall one evenin', whose patience has
+been plenty treespassed on by Monte. By way of bringin' matters to a
+deecisive head, this yere Shakespear party tells Monte he's a liar. Do
+you reckon Monte hooks up with him? Not a chance! He simply casts on
+that maligner from Shakespear a look of disparagement, an' with nose
+held high, as markin' his contempt, moves away with the remark.
+
+"'That's something I refooses to discuss with you.'
+
+"Which thar's no more real p'isin in Monte than in a hired girl.
+
+"We has the chance once to try some experiments on Monte, an' it's the
+mistake of our lives we don't. Peets, whose regrets is scientific,
+feels speshully acoote. Thar's a partic'lar bar'l of nosepaint gets
+trundled into camp, which is nothin' short of bein' the condensed
+essence of hostility. Black Jack, after years as barkeep, says himse'f
+he never sees nothin' like it. On the hocks of two drinks, folks gets
+that ornery Enright has it freighted back to Tucson in alarm, fearin'
+for the peace of the camp. At the time, none of us thinks of it; but
+later it's a subject of gen'ral regret that some of it ain't saved to
+try on Monte. Mebby that speshul brand of licker turns out to be the
+missin' ingreedient, an' keys him up to deeds of heroism.
+
+"Jest to show you some of the milder workin's of that licker. Boggs
+files away four inches of it onder his belt, an' next, when he's
+walkin' by the corral an' meets a Mexican, he reaches out in a
+casyooal an' abstracted way, collars that Greaser an' hefts him over a
+six-foot 'dobe fence, same as if he's a bag of bran; an' all apropos
+of nothin'. Boggs says himse'f he don't know why none. He's thinkin'
+of something else at the time, he declar's, an' the eepisode don't
+leave no partic'lar traces on his mem'ry. The trooth is, it's that
+veehement an' onmuzzled nosepaint, incitin' him to voylence.
+
+"Is the Mexican hurt?
+
+"Which, if I remembers rightly, Peets does mention about a busted
+collarbone. But it don't create no interest--him bein' a Mexican. You
+see, thar's a feelin', amountin' fa'rly to a onwritten law, that
+Mexicans ain't got no rightful call to be seen in public no how; an'
+when one does go pirootin' round permiscus, in voylation of this yere
+tenet, nacherally he takes his chances. You-all can gamble, though,
+that Boggs shore never would have reached for him, only he's
+actchooated by that whiskey.
+
+"As modest an' retirin' a sperit as Cherokee, to whom any form of
+boastful bluff is plumb reepellant, subscribes to a mod'rate snifter
+of that licker; an' in less time than it takes to rope a pony, he's
+out in front of the Red Light, onbucklin' in a display of pistol
+shootin'. Thar's a brace of towerists in camp, an' Cherokee let's on
+he'll show 'em. Which he shore shows 'em! He tosses two tomatter cans
+on high, an' with a gun in each hand keeps 'em dancin' an' jumpin'
+about in the atmosphere ontil thar's six bullets through each. It's a
+heap satisfyin' as a performance, as far as them pop-eyed towerists is
+concerned, an' both leaves town that evenin' by speshul buckboard.
+
+"Onaffected by that licker, Cherokee wouldn't have no more gone an'
+made sech a spectacle of himse'f, though urged tharunto by the
+yoonanimous voice of the outfit. When he so far recovers as to
+'ppreeciate what Faro Nell has to say of them exploits--an', while
+tender, she's plenty explicit--he comes mighty clost to blushin'
+himse'f to death.
+
+"It's after we notes what it does to Cherokee, an' hears of them
+exhibitions of broote force by Boggs, that we gets timid about this
+yere whisky, an' Enright orders the bar'l sent back. An' right he is!
+S'ppose them Red Dogs was to have come prancin' over for a social
+call, an' s'ppose in entertainin' 'em we all inadvertent has recourse
+to that partic'lar licker, whatever do you-all reckon 'd have been the
+finish? Son, thar'd have been one of them things they calls a
+catyclism, an' nothin' short.
+
+"It's shore a fightin' form of licker. Tutt reeserves out a tin cup of
+it, an' sets it down by a prairie dog's hole. Accordin' to Tutt, the
+dog comes out, laps it once, an' starts back same as if he's been shot
+with a '45. Thar he squats, battin' his eyes, wrinklin' up his nose,
+an' cogitatin'. After thinkin' the thing over, the dog approaches,
+mighty gingerly, an' takes three or four more laps. Then he r'ars
+back, an' considers for quite a spell. It looks final like he gets his
+mind made up, an' with that he capers over, an' he'ps himse'f to what
+for a prairie dog is shore a big drink.
+
+"Two minutes later, ha'r bristlin', whiskers standin' out like wire,
+eyes full of determination, that dog crosses over to another dog who's
+livin' neighbor to him, an' says--accordin' to Tutt:
+
+"'Wharever can I locate that coyote who's been domineerin' round yere
+for mebby it's a month, harassin' folks into their holes? Whar's that
+coyote at?'
+
+"Peets allers allows Tutt exaggerates, but havin' sampled that licker
+some myse'f, I'm a long ride from bein' so shore.
+
+"That lack of war instinct in Monte ain't no speecific drawback. Him
+drivin' stage that a-way, he ain't expected none to fight. The
+hold-ups onderstands it, the company onderstands it, everybody
+onderstands it. It's the law of the trail. That's why, when the stage
+is stopped, the driver's never downed. Which if thar's money aboard,
+an' the express outfit wants it defended, they slams on some sport to
+ride shotgun that trip. It's for this shotgun speshulist to give the
+route agents an argyooment. Which they're licensed to go bombardin'
+each other ontil the goin' down of the sun. As for the driver,
+however, the etikette simply calls for him to set his brake, an' all
+peaceful hold his hands above his head. It's inside his rights, too,
+accordin' to the rooles, for him to cuss out the hold-ups, an' call
+'em all the hard names of which he's cap'ble; an' stage drivers, who
+loves their art, spends their time between drinks practisin' new cuss
+words, an' inventin' onheard of epithets, so as to be ready when dooty
+an' o'casion calls. Havin' downed or driven off the shotgun sport, an'
+seen the bottom of the express box, the hold-ups tells the stage
+driver to pull his freight. Wharupon he picks up the reins, kicks free
+the brake, lets fly a loorid an' final broadside of vitooperation--he
+havin' carefully reeserved the same, by way of peroration--an' goes
+his windin' way.
+
+"Wolfville's been on the map for most a year, when Monte first shows
+up. In the beginnin', an' ontil we-all gets adjusted to him, he's
+something of a bore. Leastwise, he ain't what you'd go so far as to
+call a boon companion. When it dawns on us that he's plottin' to make
+himse'f a permanency, it certainly does look for a spell that, what
+with his consumption of nosepaint an' what with his turrific genius
+for snorin', he's goin' to be a trifle more'n we can stand.
+
+"Does Monte snore?
+
+"Not to create ondoo excitement, the bar'foot onclothed trooth is that
+his snorin' falls nothin' short of bein' sinful. Boggs has plenty of
+countenance when he brings them snores to the attention of Enright.
+
+"'Thar's shore a limit somewhar, Sam,' Boggs says, 'to this yere
+drunkard's right to snore. Which he's simply keepin' everybody over to
+the O. K. House settin' up. Onless something's done to check him,
+thar'll be a epidemic of St. Vitus dance. You ask Doc Peets; he'll
+tell you that this yere Monte with his snorin' is a scourge.'
+
+"It's not alone their volume, but their quality, which makes them
+snores of Monte so ondesir'ble. Some folks snores a heap deprecatory,
+an' like they're apol'gizin' for it as they goes along. Others snores
+in a manner ca'mly confident, an' all as though the idee that any gent
+objects would astonish 'em to death. Still others snores plumb
+deefiant, an' like they ain't snorin' so much for comfort, that
+a-way, as to show their contempt for mankind. It's to this yere latter
+hostile school that drunkard, Monte, belongs.
+
+"After Boggs lodges complaint, Enright takes a corrective peek into
+the sityooation. Thar's two rooms over the O. K. kitchen, sort o' off
+by themselves. Upon Enright's hint, Missis Rucker beds down Monte in
+one, an' Deef Andy, who mends harness for the stage company an' can't
+hear nothin', in the other.
+
+"'It's for the safety of your excellent car'vansary, Ma'am,' Enright
+explains. 'Which Dan's mighty easy moved; an' some mornin', onless you
+adopts them improvements, that somnolent sot you're harborin' 'll go
+too far with Dan. I takes it you-all don't want the shack all smoked
+up with Dan's six-shooter? In which event you'll put that reverberant
+drunkard in the far-corner room, with Andy next.'
+
+"Peets once mentions a long-ago poet party, named Johnson, who,
+speakin' of a fellow poet after he's dead an' down onder the
+grass-roots, lets on that he teches nothin' he don't adorn. You can
+go your ultimate simoleon that ain't Monte's style. The only things he
+don't upset is bottles; the only flooid he never spills is licker.
+This yere last would be ag'inst his religion. Wharever he goes, he's
+otherwise draggin' his rope, an' half the time he's steppin' on it.
+
+"It's him that coaxes that onhappy Polish picture painter our way.
+This yere is long after he's drivin' stage, an' as Wolfville's
+offishul drunkard becomes a tol'rated feachure of the camp. This
+Polish artist person is as much out o' place in Arizona as a faro
+lay-out at a Sunday school picnic. Monte crosses up with him over at
+Tucson in the Oriental S'loon, an' while thar's no ties between 'em,
+more'n what nacherally forms between two gents who sets drinkin'
+together all night long, before ever they're through with each other
+that inspired inebriate lands the locoed artist party on our hands.
+Enright shore does go the limit in rebookin' Monte.
+
+"'Why, Sam,' says Monte, an' he's that depreecatory he whines, 'I
+allows you'll look on him as a acquisition.'
+
+"'All the same,' returns Enright, an' I never knows him more
+forbiddin', 'yereafter please confine your annoyin' assidooities to
+drivin' stage, an' don't go tryin' to improve the outlook of this
+camp.'
+
+"Monte, with this, gets that dismal he sheds tears. 'Which it shore
+looks like I can't do nothin' right,' he sobs.
+
+"'Then don't,' says Enright.
+
+"From the start, Monte graves himse'f upon the mem'ry of folk as the
+first sport, to onroll his blankets in Cochise County, who consoomes
+normal over twenty drinks a day. Upon festal occasions like Noo
+Year's, an' Christmas, an' Fo'th of Jooly, an' Thanksgivin', no gent
+who calls himse'f a gent thinks of keepin' tabs on a fellow gent, no
+matter how freequent he signs up to Black Jack. On gala o'casions,
+sech as them noted, the bridle is plumb off the hoss, an' even though
+you drinks to your capac'ty an' some beyond, no one's that vulgar as
+to go makin' remarks. But that ain't Monte; he's different a heap. It
+looks like every day is Fo'th of Jooly with him, he's that inveterate
+in his reemorseless hankerin' for nosepaint.
+
+"Also, regyarded as to his social side, Monte, as I states former, is
+a nooisance. Knowin' folks, too, is his fad. Only so you give him
+licker enough, he'll go surgin' round accostin' every gent he sees. No
+matter how austere a stranger is, Monte'll tackle him. An' at that he
+never says nothin' worth hearin', an' in its total absence of
+direction his conversation resembles nothin' so much as a dog chasin'
+its tail.
+
+"An' then thar's them footile bluffs he's allers tryin' to run. He's
+been pesterin' in an' out of the Red Light one evenin' ontil he's got
+Black Jack incensed. As he comes squanderin' along, for say the
+twentieth time, Black Jack groans, an' murmurs,
+
+"'Yere's that booze-soaked old hoss-thief ag'in!'
+
+"Monte gets the echo of it, same as folks allers does when it ain't
+wanted, but he's onable to say who. So he stands thar by the bar,
+glarin' 'round an' snortin'. Final, he roars:
+
+"'Who cuts loose that personal'ty?'
+
+"Thar ain't no answer, an' Monte ag'in takes to pitchin' on his rope.
+
+"'Show me the galoot who insults me,' he roars; 'let him no longer
+dog it, but p'int himse'f out as the gent.'
+
+"'All right,' says Black Jack, whose indignation gets the best of his
+reespons'bilities as barkeep, 'which I'm the party who alloodes to you
+as a booze-soaked old hoss-thief.'
+
+"'An' so you're the gent,' says Monte, castin' a witherin' glance at
+Black Jack; 'so you're the would-be sooicide who calls me a
+booze-soaked old hoss-thief?'
+
+"'Which I'm the identical stingin' lizard. Now what is it you're so
+plumb eager to say?'
+
+"'What am I eager to say? I merely wants to remark that you ain't done
+nothin' to swell up over. You-all needn't go thinkin' you're the first
+barkeep who calls me a booze-soaked old hoss-thief.'
+
+"Havin' la'nched this yere, Monte turns off as stiffly pompous as
+though he ain't left a grease-spot of Black Jack.
+
+"When folks won't listen to him no longer, Monte goes bulgin' forth
+into the highways an' the byways, an' holds long an' important
+discussions with signs, an' dry-goods boxes, an' sim'lar inan'mate
+elements of the landscape. Also, to mules an' burros. I remarks him
+myse'f, whisperin' in the onregyardful y'ear of a burro, an' said
+anamile as sound asleep as a tree. When that drunkard's through his
+confidences, he backs off, an' wavin' his paw plumb myster'ous at the
+burro says:
+
+"'Remember, now; I'm givin' you this yere p'inter as a friend.'
+
+"That time Black Jack offends Monte, after the latter hits the
+sidewalk followin' what he clar'ly considers is his crushin' come-back
+on Black Jack, he gets the feelin' that Jack's ha'ntin' along on his
+trail. Before he's gone fifty foot, he w'irls about, an' shouts:
+
+"'Don't you-all follow me! Which, if you crowds me, them places that
+has knowed you won't know you no more forever.'
+
+"When Monte gets off this menace, it seems like the Black Jack specter
+becomes intim'dated, an' tries to squar' itse'f.
+
+"'What's that?' Monte asks, after listenin' mighty dignified to the
+spook's excuses; 'you begs my pardon? Not another word. If you-all
+keeps on talkin' now you'll sp'ile it. Thar's my hand,' givin' the
+fingers of the phantom a mighty earnest squeeze. 'I'm your friend, an'
+that goes.'
+
+"Havin' established a peace, Monte insists that the Black Jack phantom
+b'ar him company to the O. K. Restauraw. In spite of all Missis Rucker
+can say or do, he plants the spook at the table, feeds it on the best
+that's in the kitchen, an' all as confident as if it's shorely troo.
+Also, he insists on payin' for two.
+
+"When Missis Rucker tries to show him he's down wrong, he refooses to
+have it that way.
+
+"'Do you-all reckon, Ma'am, that I can't trust my eyes none?' he
+demands. 'Which you'll tell me next that them airtights I tops of with
+is figments.'
+
+"'But thar's only one of you-all,' Missis Rucker persists.
+
+"'Ma'am,' returns Monte, his manner plumb s'picious, 'I don't jest
+quite sense your little game. Whatever it is, however, you-all can't
+play it on old Monte. You write back to my fam'ly an' the neighbors,
+an' the least flatterin' among 'em'll tell you that I'm as cunnin' as
+a squinch owl. Thar's two of us who feeds, an' for two of us I
+settles. Bein' a woman, you're too feeble-witted for reason, too
+mendacious for trooth.'
+
+"'Don't you go callin' me no woman,' says Missis Rucker, her eyes
+snappin', 'onless you're ready to cash in.'
+
+"'Women!' repeats Monte, sort o' addressin' the scenery, but still
+plenty cynical, 'what be they except a fleetin' show to man's
+deloosion given. Also, thar's nothin' to 'em. You opens their front
+door, an' you're in their back yard.'
+
+"Texas has been givin' y'ear to the talk. It's before his Laredo wife
+starts ropin' for that divorce; but she's already makin' war medicine,
+an' the signs an' signal smokes which p'int to an uprisin' is vis'ble
+on every hill. Texas is careful not to let Missis Rucker hear him
+none, but as he walks away, he mutters:
+
+"'That ghost-seein' sport's got the treemors, but all the same I
+strings with him on them estimates of ladies.'
+
+"Texas is that fav'rably affected about Monte, he talks things over
+with Tutt, who himse'f ain't married to Tucson Jennie none as yet.
+Them nuptials, an' that onbiased blessin', little Enright Peets Tutt,
+who results tharfrom, comes along later.
+
+"'Which thar's good in that Monte maverick,' says Texas; 'only so we
+could get the nosepaint out of him.'
+
+"'Now, I wouldn't wonder none, neither,' says Tutt.
+
+"'He drinkt up two quarts an' a half yesterday,' says Texas.
+
+"'Ain't thar no steps which can be took?' Tutt asks. 'Two quarts an' a
+half, though, shore sounds like he's somethin' of a prop'sition.'
+
+"These yere remarks is made in the Red Light, an' Tutt an' Texas
+appeals to Cherokee, whar that courtier of fortune is settin' in
+behind his lay-out. Cherokee waves 'em off, p'lite but firm.
+
+"'Don't ask me none,' he says. 'You-all knows my doctrines. Let every
+gent kill his own snakes.'
+
+"'That's my theology,' remarks Boggs, who has just come ramblin' in
+from the Noo York store, whar he's been changin' in a bundle of money
+for shirts; 'I recalls how, when I'm a prattlin' yearlin', hearin'
+Parson Ed'ards of the Cambellite Church quotin' whar Cain gives it out
+cold that he's not his brother's keeper; an' even at that onthinkin'
+age I fully endorses Cain's p'sition.'
+
+"The talk takes in Black Jack, who, by virchoo of him bein' a barkeep,
+nacherally savvys a heap about the licker question. Jack reelates how
+a sot he knows back in Arkansaw is shocked into never takin' a drink,
+by simply blowin' his hand off accidental while tanked up.
+
+"'Whang! goes the old Betsy,' says Jack, 'an' that slave to licker's
+shy his left hand. "Which it lets me out!" he exclaims; an' datin'
+from said catastrophy he'd no more tech nosepaint, that a-way, than
+he'd join the church.'
+
+"'But it's doubtful,' observes Tutt, 'if Enright stands to let us
+shoot this yere Monte drunkard's hand off.'
+
+"'It's ten to one he won't,' says Texas; 'still thar ought to be other
+schemes for shockin' a party into moral'ty, which stops short o'
+cripplin' him for life.'
+
+"'But is this yere inebriate worth the worry?' asks Boggs. 'Also, it
+shore strikes me as mighty gratooitous for us to go reorganizin' the
+morals of a plumb stranger, an' him not even asked.'
+
+"'Which he's worth the worry all right,' Texas replies. 'Thar's no
+efforts too great, when thar's a chance to save a party who has the
+same thorough onderstandin' of ladies which this gent has.'
+
+"Up over the Red Light bar is a stuffed bobcat, the same bein' held as
+decorative. Only the day before Texas and Tutt stands talkin', a
+couple of Enright's riders comes packin' a live bobcat into town,
+which between 'em they ropes up over in the foothills of the Tres
+Hermanas, an' jams labor'ously into a pa'r of laiggin's. The same idee
+seizes on Texas an' Tutt yoonanimous. They sees that it only calls for
+the intelligent use of that Bar-8 bobcat, which them cow-punchers of
+Enright's ties down, to reegen'rate Monte, an' make him white as
+snow.
+
+[Illustration: A COUPLE OF ENRIGHT'S RIDERS COMES A PACKIN' A LIVE BOBCAT
+INTO TOWN. p. 118.]
+
+"Monte's ain't present none, bein' over to the O. K. House. By bein'
+plumb painstakin', Tutt an' Texas gets a collar onto the captive Bar-8
+bobcat, an' chains him up over the Red Light bar, in place of the
+stuffed bobcat, deeposed. The Bar-8 bobcat jumps off once or twict
+before he learns, an' comes mighty clost to lynchin' himse'f. But
+Black Jack is patient, an' each time pokes him back with a cha'r.
+After mebby the third jump, it gets proned into the bobcat that thar's
+nothin' in it for him to go hurlin' himse'f into space that a-way, an'
+bein' saved from death by hangin' only through the cha'r-laig
+meditations of Black Jack. Acceptin' this yere view, he stands pat on
+his shelf. Likewise, he shore looks mighty vivid up thar, an' has got
+that former stuffed predecessor of his beat four ways from the jack.
+
+"We're hankerin' around, now the Bar-8 bobcat's organized, waitin' for
+Monte to come amblin' up, an' be reformed.
+
+"'An' you can gamble,' Tutt says, 'that the shock it'll throw into
+him'll have a ben'ficial effect. Shootin' off a hand or so ain't in it
+with the way that drunkard's goin' to feel.'
+
+"'That's the way I figgers,' Texas remarks. 'One glance at that
+bobcat, him on the verge of the treemors, an' thar'll a thrill go
+through his rum-soaked frame like the grace of heaven through a camp
+meetin'. For one, I antic'pate most excellent effects. Whatever do you
+think, Doc?'
+
+"'Whatever do I think?' Peets repeats. 'Which I thinks that, as the
+orig'nators of this yere cure for the licker habit, it'll be up to you
+an' Dave to convey the patient to his room at the O. K. House, as soon
+as ever you can control his struggles.'
+
+"Monte at last heaves in sight, an' comes shiverin' up to the bar,
+every nerve as tight as a fiddle string. Black Jack shoves him the
+bottle.
+
+"'What stuffed anamile sharp,' says Tutt, craftily directin' himself
+at Black Jack, 'mounts that bobcat up thar?'
+
+"Monte nacherally raises his eyes. Thar's that Bar-8 feline,
+half-crouched, glarin' down on him with green eyes, big as moons.
+
+"That settles it.
+
+"Monte gives a yell which they hears in Red Dog. Wharupon the bobcat,
+takin' it for a threatenin' deemonstration, onfolds in an answerin'
+yell, an' makes a scramblin' jump at Monte's head. Shore, he don't
+land none, bein' brought up short, like a roped pony. Thar he swings,
+cussin' an' spittin' an' clawin', as mad as a drunken squaw, an'
+begins all over to hang himse'f afresh.
+
+"Monte?
+
+"That victim of appetite falls to the floor as dead an' flat as a wet
+December leaf.
+
+"Actin' on them instructions, Tutt an' Texas picks Monte up an' packs
+him across to Peets, who, after fussin' over him for mebby an hour,
+brings him round s'fficient so he goes from one convulsion into
+another, in what you-all might deescribe as an endless chain of fits.
+Thar's nothin' to it; Peets is indoobitable the best equipped drug
+sharp that ever breaks loose in Arizona. At that, while Monte lives,
+he don't but jest. He's shore close enough at one time to kingdom come
+to hear the singin'.
+
+"For two weeks Monte's boilin' an' boundin' round in his blankets,
+Texas an' Tutt, feelin' a heap reemorseful, standin' watch and watch.
+It's decided that no more attempts to reform him will be made, him
+bein'--accordin' to Peets--too far gone that a-way.
+
+"'He's plumb onreform'ble,' explains Peets; 'whiskey's got to be so
+much a second nacher with him, that the only way you-all could cure
+him now is kill him.'
+
+"By way of partial rep'ration for what he suffers, as soon as Monte
+can ag'in move about, Enright calls a meetin' of the camp, an'
+dooly commissions him 'Offishul Drunkard,' with a absoloote an'
+non-reevok'ble license to go as far as he likes.
+
+"'This yere post of offishul drunkard,' Enright explains to the
+meetin', 'carries with it no money, no power, an' means only that he's
+free to drink from dark to daylight an' to dark ag'in, oncriticized,
+onreproved, an' onsaved. Colonel Sterett imparts to us in the last
+_Daily Coyote_ how them Hindoos has their sacred cobras. Cobras not
+bein' feas'ble none in Arizona, Wolfville in loo of sech accepts old
+Monte. Yereafter, w'arin' the title of offishul drunkard, he takes his
+place in the public regyard as Wolfville's sacred cobra.'
+
+"When Monte learns of his elevation, his eyes fills up with gratified
+pride, an' as soon as ever he's able to stand the w'ar an' t'ar, he
+goes on a protracted public drunk, by way of cel'bration, while we
+looks tol'rantly on.
+
+"'Gents,' he says, 'I thanks you. Yereafter the gnawin' tooth of
+conscience will be dulled, havin' your distinguished endorsement so to
+do. Virchoo is all right in its place. But so is vice. The world
+can't all be good an' safe at one an' the same time. Which if we all
+done right, an' went to the right, we'd tip the world over. Half has
+got to do wrong an' go to the left, to hold things steady. That's me;
+I was foaled to do wrong an' go to the left. It's the only way in
+which a jealous but inscroot'ble Providence permits me to serve my
+hour. Offishul drunkard! Ag'in I thanks you. Which this yere's the way
+I long have sought, an' mourned because I found it not, long meter.'
+
+"Boggs is the only gent who takes a gloomy view.
+
+"'That's fine for this yere egreegious Monte,' says Boggs, talkin' to
+Enright; 'as Wolfville's pet drunkard an' offishul cobra, he's mighty
+pleasantly provided for. But how about the camp? Whar does Wolfville
+come in? We're a strong people; but does any gent pretend that we
+possesses the fortitoode reequired to b'ar up through all the comin'
+rum-soaked years?--an' all onder the weight of this yere onmatched
+inebriate, whom by our own act an' as offishul drunkard, we onmuzzles
+in our shrinkin' midst? Gents, this thing can't last.'
+
+"'Not necessar'ly, Dan,' retorts Enright, his manner trenchin' on the
+cold; 'not necessar'ly. Let me expound the sityooation. I need not
+remind you-all that Sand Creek Riley, who drives the Tucson stage,
+gets bumped off the other evenin', while preeposterously insistin'
+that aces-up beats three-of-a-kind. Realizin' the trooth of half what
+you has said, Dan, I this evenin' enters into strategic reelations
+with the stage company's agent; an' as a reesult, an' datin' from now
+on, old Monte will be hired to fill the place of Sand Creek Riley,
+whom we all regrets. It's hardly reequired that I p'int out the
+benefits of this yere arrangement. As stage driver, old Monte for
+every other night will get sawed off on Tucson. An' I misjedges the
+vitality of this camp if, with the pressure on it thus relieved, an'
+Tucson carryin' half the load, it's onable to live through. In my
+opinion, Dan, by the light of this explanation, you at least oughter
+hope for the best.'
+
+"'That's whatever!' says Boggs, who's plumb convinced; 'if I'd waited
+ontil you was heard, Sam, I'd never voiced them apprehensions. But the
+fact is, this yere Monte cobra of ours, with his bibbin's an' his
+guzzlin's, has redooced me to a condition of nervous prostration. It's
+all right now. Which I will say, however, that I can't reeflect none
+without a shudder on what them Tucson folks'll say an' think, so soon
+as ever they wakes up to what's been played on 'em.'"
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+HOW THE MOCKING BIRD WAS WON
+
+
+"Myst'ries?
+
+"We lives surrounded by 'em. Look whar you will, nacher has a ace
+buried. Take dogs, now: Why is it when one of 'em, daylight or dark,
+cuts the trail of a anamile, he never makes the fool mistake of
+back-trackin' it, but is shore to run his game the way it's movin'?
+There must be some kind of head-an'-tail to the scent, that a-way, to
+give the dog the hunch. Myst'ry!--all myst'ry! The more a gent goes
+messin' 'round for s'lootions, the more he's taught hoomility an' that
+he ain't knee-high to toads.
+
+"An' yet when it comes to things myster'ous everything else is bound
+to go to the diskyard compared to a lady's heart. Of course, I speaks
+only in a sperit of philos'phy, an' not as one who's suffered. I never
+myse'f am able pers'nal to approach closter to a lady's heart than
+across the street. Peets once reemarks that all trails leads to Rome.
+In that business of trails a lady's heart has got Rome left standin'
+sideways. Not only does every trail lead tharunto, but thar's sech a
+thing as goin' cross-lots. Take gettin' in love; thar's as many ways
+as cookin' eggs. While you'll see gents who goes skallyhootin' into
+that dulcet condition as straight as a arrer, thar's others who sidles
+in, an' still others who backs in. I even knows a boy who shoots his
+way in.
+
+"Which the lady in this case is the Mockin' Bird. That Mockin' Bird
+maiden has wooers by onbounded scores, but holds herse'f as shy an' as
+much aloof as if she's a mountain sheep. Not one can get near enough
+to her to give her a ripe peach. Along comes the eboolient Turkey
+Track, bulges headlong into her dest'nies, takes to menacin' at her
+with a gun an', final, to bombardin' her outright, an'--love an' heart
+an' hand--she comes a-runnin'.
+
+"Wolfville's without that last evidence of advancement, a callaboose.
+It bein' inconvenient to shoot up or lynch everybody who infringes our
+rooles, Jack Moore invents a convincin' but innocuous punishment for
+minor offenders. Endorsed by Enright, he established a water
+trough--it's big enough to swim a dog--over by the windmill; an' when
+some perfervid cow-puncher, sufferin' from a overdose of nosepaint,
+takes to aggravatin' 'round Moore swashes him about in the trough some
+profoose, ontil he gives his word to live a happier an' a better
+life.
+
+"It's like magic the way that water trough works. No matter how gala
+some pronghorn of a cowboy may feel, it shore lets the whey out of
+him. Given the most voylent, it's only a matter of minutes before he's
+soaked into quietood. Enright himse'f says Moore's entitled to a
+monyooment for the idee.
+
+"Turkey Track's name is Ford, Tom Ford, but workin' that a-way for the
+Turkey Track outfit he nacherally gets renamed for the brand. Turkey
+Track an' two boon companions has been goin' to an' fro from the Red
+Light to the Dance Hall, ontil by virchoo of a over-accumyoolation of
+licker they're beginnin' to step some high. Also, they takes to
+upliftin' their tired souls with yells, an' blazin' away at froote
+cans with their six-shooters.
+
+"It gets so that Enright tells Moore to give 'em a call-down.
+
+"'What them boys does,' says Enright, 'is done harmless an'
+light-hearted to be shore, an' nothin' radic'lly wrong is either
+aimed at or meant; but all the same, Jack, it's no more'n proodence
+to go knock their horns off. It ain't what them yooths is doin', but
+what they may be led to do, which makes the danger. It's like old
+Deacon Sopris at the Cumberland Methodist class meetin' says of
+kyard-playin'. "It ain't," explains the deacon, "that thar's any harm
+in the children playin' seven-up around the kitchen table of a
+winter's evenin' for grains of corn, but seven-up persisted in is
+shore to lead to dancin'." An' so with these young merry-makers.
+They'll keep on slamin' away at empty bottles an' former tomatter cans
+that a-way, ontil the more seedate element objects, an' somebody gets
+downed. Don't you agree with me, Doc?'
+
+"'Nothin' shorer!' says Peets.
+
+"Moore corrals Turkey Track an' his fellow revellers, an' tosses off a
+few fiats.
+
+"'Quit that whoopin' an' shootin', boys,' says Moore. 'Likewise, keep
+your hardware in your belts, as more deecorous. So shore as I finds a
+gun in any of your hands ag'in, I'll shoot it out.'
+
+"Turkey Track an' his _compadres_ don't say nothin' back. They savvys
+about the water trough, an' ain't hungerin' none to have their ardor
+dampened in no sech fashion. So they blinks an' winks like a passel of
+squinch owls, but never onbuckles in no argyooment. All the same, it
+irks 'em a whole lot, an' after Moore reetires they begins mod'rate to
+arch their necks an' expand 'round a little.
+
+"They allows--talkin' among themselves in a quer'lous way--that they
+ain't hurtin' no one, an' for Moore to come shovin' 'round an'
+lecturin' on etiquette is a conceited exhibition of authority as
+offensive as it is onjest. Thar's doubts, too, about it's bein'
+constitootional.
+
+"'Whatever does that jim-crow sp'ile-sport of a marshal mean?' says
+Turkey Track. 'It looks like he's not only deefyin' the organic law of
+this country, but puttin' on a heap of dog. Does he reckon this yere
+camp's a church?'
+
+"'I moves we treats them mandates,' says one of the boys, who's a
+rider for the G-bar ranch, 'with merited contempt.'
+
+"'As how?' asks the third, who belongs with the Four-J brand. 'You
+ain't so locoed as to s'ggest we-all t'ars person'ly into this Jack
+Moore marshal none I hopes?'
+
+"'Which you fills me with disgust!' says the other, nettled at the
+idee of pawin' the onprofit'ble grass 'round Moore; 'but whatever's
+the matter with goin' up to the far end of the street, an' w'irl an'
+come squanderin' back jest a shootin'?'
+
+"'Great!' says Turkey Track, applaudin' the scheme. 'Which we-all
+nacherally shoots up their old prairie dog town, same as if it's a
+Mexican plaza, an' then jogs on to our ranches, all triumphant an'
+comfortable.'
+
+"The three rides up to the head of the street, an' then turns
+an'--givin' their ponies the steel--comes whizzin' down through the
+center of eevents, yelpin' like Apaches an' lookin' like fireworks.
+They've got a gun in each hand, an' they shakes the flame an' smoke
+out of 'em same as three volcanoes on hossback.
+
+"Moore's standin' in front of the Noo York store, talkin' to Tutt. As
+you-all might imagine, it frets him to the quick to see how little
+them effervescent sperits cares for his injunctions. By way of
+rebooke--not wantin' to down 'em outright for what, take it the worst
+way, ain't nothin' more heen'ous than a impropriety--Moore gets his
+artillery to b'ar, an' as they flashes by like comets, opens on the
+ponies. It's hard on the ponies; but it won't do to let them young
+roysterers get away with their play. The example'll spread; an',
+onless checked at the jump, inside of a month thar'd be nothin' but a
+whoopin' procession of cow-punchers chargin' up an' down the
+causeways. Tenderfeet might acquire misgivin's techin' us bein' a
+peaceful camp, an' the thing op'rate as a blow to trade. It's become a
+case of either get the boys or get the ponies, an' onder the
+circumstances the ponies has the call.
+
+"Thar's no more artistic gun-player than Moore in town, onless it's
+Cherokee, an' mebby Doc Peets, who's a heap soon with a derringer. As
+the ponies flash by, Moore's six-shooter barks three times. Two ponies
+goes rollin'; the third--it's Turkey Track's--continyoos cavortin'
+down the street an' out of town. Turkey Track never pulls up nor looks
+back. The last we sees of him is when he's two miles away, an' a
+swell rises up behind him an' hides him from view.
+
+"The G-bar boy, an' him from the Four-J outfit, hits the grass twenty
+feet ahead of their ponies, like a roll of blankets chucked out of a
+wagon, an' after bumpin' an' tumblin' along for a rod or so, an' all
+mighty condoosive to fractures an' dislocations, they flattens out
+reespective same as a couple of cancelled postage stamps. Shore, the
+fall jolts the savvy plumb out of 'em.
+
+"Bein' they're stretched out an' passive, Moore collects 'em an' sops
+'em up an' down in the water trough for mebby it's fifteen minutes.
+Which they're reesus'tated an' reeproved at one an' the same time.
+When them yooths comes to, they're a model to angels. To be shore,
+their intellects don't shine out at first none like the sun at noon,
+but continyoos blurred for hours. Even as late as the weddin' of
+Turkey Track with the Mockin' Bird--an' that ain't for all of eight
+weeks--the G-bar boy informs Boggs confidenshul, as they're takin' a
+little licker all sociable, that speakin' mental he's as yet a heap in
+eeclipse.
+
+"The maiden name of the Mockin' Bird is Loocinda Gildersleeve, but
+pop'lar pref'rence allers sticks to her stage title. She's a fav'rite
+at the Bird Cage Op'ry House, at which nursery of the drammy she's
+been singin' off an' on for somethin' like three years. She's a
+shore-enough singer, too, the Mockin' Bird is. None of your yeepin's
+an' peepin's, none of your mice squeaks an' tea-kettle tones an' cub
+coyote yelps. Which she's got a round, meelod'yous bellow like a hound
+in full cry, an' while she's singin' thar ain't a wolf'll open his
+mouth within a mile of town. Which them anamiles is plumb abashed, the
+Mockin' Bird outholdin' 'em to that degree.
+
+"You-all don't hear no sech singin' in the East. Thar ain't room; an'
+moreover the East's too timid. For myse'f, an' I ain't got no y'ear
+for music, them top notes of the Mockin' Bird, like the death yell of
+a mountain lion, is cap'ble of givin' me the fantods; while the way
+she hands out 'Home, Sweet Home' an' 'Suwannee River,' an' her voice
+sort o' diggin' down into the soul, sets eemotional sports like Boggs
+an' Black Jack to sobbin' as though their hearts is broke. She's
+certainly a jo-darter of a vocalist--the Mockin' Bird is, an' once
+when she renders 'Loosiana Loo' an' Boggs's more'n common affected, he
+offers to bet yellow chips as high as the ceilin' she can sing the
+sights off a Colt's .45.
+
+"'Which I enjoys one of the most mis'rable evenin's of my c'reer,'
+says Boggs to Faro Nell, when she expresses sympathy at him feelin' so
+cast down. 'I wouldn't have missed it for a small clay farm.'
+
+"'_Yo tambien_' says Black Jack, who's keepin' Boggs melancholly
+company while he weeps. 'Only I reckons the odd kyard in my own case
+is that, before I'm a man an' in some other existence, I used to be
+one of these yere ornery little fice dogs, which howls every time it
+hears a pianny. It's some left-over vestiges of that life when I'm a
+dog which sets me to bawlin', that a-way, whenever the Mockin' Bird
+girl sings. I experiences pensive sensations, sim'lar to what comes
+troopin' over a gent, who's libatin' alone, on the heels of the third
+drink.'
+
+"The Mockin' Bird looks as sweet as she sings. I mentions long ago
+about the phil'sophic old stoodent who says, 'They do say love is
+blind, but I'll be ding-danged if some gents can't see more in their
+girls than I can.' This yere wisdom don't apply none to the Mockin'
+Bird. Them wooers of hers, to say nothin' of Turkey Track, possesses
+jestification for becomin' so plumb maudlin'. Lovely? She's as pretty
+as a cactus flower, or a sunrise on the staked plains.
+
+"Folks likes her, too. Take that evenin' when a barbarian from over
+to'ards the Cow Springs cuts loose to disturb the exercises at the
+Bird Cage Op'ry House with a measly fling or two. The public well nigh
+beefs him. They'd have shore put him over the jump, only Enright
+interferes.
+
+"It's doorin' the openin' scene, when the actors is camped 'round in a
+half-circle, facin' the fiddlers. Huggins, who manages the Bird Cage,
+an' who's the only hooman who ever consoomes licker, drink for drink,
+with Monte, an' lives to tell the tale, is in the middle. Bowin' to
+the Mockin' Bird, an' as notice that she's goin' to carol some, he
+announces:
+
+"'The world-reenowned cantatrice, Mam'selle Loocinda Gildersleeve,
+cel'brated in two hemispheres as the Mockin' Bird of Arizona, will now
+sing the ballad wharwith she ravished the y'ears of every crowned
+head of Europe, the same bein' that pop'lar air from the op'ry of
+_Loocretia Borgia_, "Down in the Valley."'
+
+"At this that oncooth crim'nal from the Cow Springs gets up:
+
+"'The Mockin' Bird of Arizona which you-all is bluffin' about,' he
+shouts, 'can't sing more'n a burro, an' used to sling hash in a
+section house over by Colton.'
+
+"'Never the less, notwithstandin',' replies Huggins, who's too drunk
+to feel ruffled, 'Mam'selle Loocinda Gildersleeve, known to all the
+world as the Mockin' Bird of Arizona, will now sing "Down in the
+Valley."'
+
+"Huggins would have let things go at that, but not so the Wolfville
+pop'lace. In the cockin' of a winchester they swoops down on that Cow
+Springs outcast like forty hen-hawks on a single quail, an' as I
+yeretofore observes, if it ain't for Enright they'd have made him
+shortly hard to find. You can gamble, the Cow Springs savage never
+does go out on that limb ag'in.
+
+"While Turkey Track escapes the water trough, an' makes his getaway
+that time all right, the pore pony ain't got by Moore onscathed. The
+bullet hits him jest to the r'ar of the saddle-flap, an' out about a
+brace of miles he stumbles over dead.
+
+"It's yere eevents begins to fall together like a shock of oats. The
+Mockin' Bird's been over entrancin' Tucson, an' the reg'lar stage with
+Monte not preecisely dove-tailin' with her needs, she charters a
+speshul buckboard to get back. Thar's a feeble form of hooman ground
+owl drivin' her, one of these yere parties who's all alkali an' hard
+luck, an' as deevoid of manly sperit as jack-rabbits onweaned.
+
+"This yere ground owl party, drivin' for the Mockin' Bird, comes
+clatterin' along with the buckboard jest as Turkey Track strips the
+saddle an' bridle from his deefunct pony. Turkey Track is not without
+execyootive ability, an' seein' he's afoot an' thirty miles from his
+home ranch, he pulls his gun an' sticks up the buckboard plenty
+prompt. At the mere sight of a weepon the hands of that young
+owl-person goes searchin' for stars, an' he's beggin' Turkey Track not
+to rub him out--him thinkin' it's a reg'lar hold-up. That's all the
+opp'sition thar is, onless you counts the reemarks of the Mockin'
+Bird, who becomes both bitter an' bitin' in equal parts, but has no
+more effect on Turkey Track--an' him afoot that a-way--than pourin'
+water on a drowned rat. Shore, a cow-puncher'd fight all day, an' even
+face a enraged female, before he'd walk a hour.
+
+[Illustration: TURKEY TRACK, SEEIN' HE'S AFOOT AN' THIRTY MILES FROM HIS
+HOME RANCH PULLS HIS GUN AN' STICKS UP THE MOCKIN' BIRD'S BUCKBOARD.
+p. 138.]
+
+"Turkey Track piles his saddle an' bridle onto the r'ar of the
+buckboard, an' settin' in behind on his plunder, commands the ground
+owl driver to head west till further orders. Likewise, he so far
+onbends as to say that them orders won't be deecem'nated, none
+whatever, ontil he's landed at the Turkey Track home ranch. Since he
+backs this yere programme with his artillery, the ground owl ain't got
+nothin' to say, an' it's no time when the outfit's weavin' along a
+side trail in the sole int'rests of Turkey Track.
+
+"What's worse, to dispell the ennui of sech a trip, an' drive away
+dull care, Turkey Track takes to despotizin' over the Mockin' Bird
+with his six-shooter, an' compels her to sing constant throughout them
+thirty miles. He makes her carrol everythin' from 'Old Hundred' to
+'Turkey in the Straw,' an' then brings her back to 'Old Hundred' an'
+starts her over. The pore harassed Mockin' Bird, what with the dust,
+an' what with Turkey Track tyrannizin' at her with his gun, sounds
+final like an ongreased wheelbarrow which has seen better days. She
+don't get her voice ag'in for mighty clost to a month, an' even then,
+as she says herse'f, thar's places where the rivets reequires
+tightenin'.
+
+"It's pressin' onto eight weeks before ever Turkey Track is heard of
+'round town ag'in. Also, it's in the Bird Cage Op'ry House he hits the
+surface of his times. The Mockin' Bird has jest done drove the vocal
+picket-pin of 'Old Kentucky Home,' when, bang! some loonatic shoots at
+her. Which the bullet bores a hole in the scenery not a foot above her
+head.
+
+"Every one sees by the smoke whar that p'lite attention em'nates from,
+an' before you could count two, Moore, Boggs, an' Texas Thompson has
+convened themselves on top of that ident'cal spot. Thar sets Turkey
+Track, cryin' like a child.
+
+"'It's no use, gents,' he sobs, the tears coursin' down his cheeks,
+'she's so plumb bewitchin', an' I adores her so, I simply has to blaze
+away or bust.'
+
+"While he don't harm the Mockin' Bird none, the sent'ment of the
+Stranglers, when Enright raps 'em to order inform'ly at the Red Light
+an' Black Jack has organized the inspiration, favors hangin' Turkey
+Track. Even Texas, who loathes ladies by reason of what's been sawed
+off onto him in the way of divorce an' alimony, that a-way, by his
+Laredo wife, is yoonan'mous for swingin' him off.
+
+"'That I don't believe in marryin' 'em,' says Texas, expoundin' his
+p'sition concernin' ladies in answer to Boggs who claims he's
+inconsistent, 'don't mean I wants 'em killed. But you never was no
+logician, Dan.'
+
+"Cherokee's the only gent who's inclined to softer attitoodes, an'
+that leeniency is born primar'ly of the inflooence of Nell. Nell is
+plumb romantic, an' when she hears how the Turkey Track's been
+enfiladin' at the Mockin' Bird only because he loves her, while she
+don't reely know what she does want done with that impossible
+cow-puncher, she shore don't want him hanged.
+
+"'It's sech a interestin' story!' says Nell, an' then capers across to
+Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie to c'llect their feelin's.
+
+"Moore brings in Turkey Track.
+
+"'Be you-all tryin' to blink out this yere young lady?' asks Enright,
+'or is that gun play in the way of applause?'
+
+"'It's love,' protests Turkey Track, his voice chokin'; 'it's simply a
+cry from the soul. I learns to love her that day on the buckboard
+while I'm lookin' at her red ha'r, red bein' my winnin' color. Gents,
+you-all won't credit it none, but jest the same them auburn tresses
+gets wropped about my heart.'
+
+"'Whatever do you make of it, Doc?' whispers Enright.
+
+"'This boy,' returns Peets, 'has got himse'f too much on his own mind.
+He's sufferin' from what the books calls exaggerated ego.'
+
+"'That's one way of bein' locoed, ain't it?'
+
+"'Shore. But him bein' twisted mental ain't no reason for not adornin'
+the windmill with his remains. The only public good a hangin' does is
+to scare folks up a lot, an' you can scare a loonatic quite as quick
+an' quite as hard as a gent whose intellects is plumb.'
+
+"'Thar she stands,' Turkey Track breaks in ag'in, not waitin' for no
+questions, 'an' me as far below her as stingin' lizards is from stars!
+Then, ag'in, when folks down in front is a'plaudin' her, she wavin'
+at 'em meanwhile the gracious smile, it makes me jealous. Gents, I
+don't plan nothin', but the first I knows I lugs out the old .45 an'
+onhooks it.'
+
+"The Mockin' Bird has come over from the O. K. House with Nell, Missis
+Rucker an' Tucson Jennie. As she hears Turkey Track's confession two
+drops shows in her eyes like diamonds. Clutchin' hold of Nell, an'
+with Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie flockin' along in the r'ar, she
+rushes out the front door.
+
+"This manoover leaves us some upset, ontil Nell returns to explain.
+
+"'She's overcome by them disclosures,' says Nell, 'an' goes outside to
+blush.'
+
+"'The ontoward breaks of that songstress,' observes Enright oneasily,
+'has a tendency to confoose the issue, an' put this committee in the
+hole.'
+
+"'Thar's nothin' confoosin' about it, Sam Enright.' It's Missis Rucker
+who breaks out high an' threatenin', she havin' come back with Nell.
+'This yere Mockin' Bird girl's in love with that gun-playin' cowboy,
+an' it's only now she finds it out. Do you-all murderers still insist
+on hangin' this yere boy, or be you willin' to see 'em wed an' live
+happy ever after?'
+
+"'Let's rope up a divine some'ers,' exclaims Boggs, 'an' have 'em
+married. If that Mockin' Bird girl wants Turkey Track she shall shore
+have him. I'd give her his empty head on a charger, if she asks it,
+same as that party in holy writ, she singin' "Suwannee River" like she
+does.'
+
+"Cherokee, who's more or less rooled by Nell, thinks a weddin' the
+proper step, an' Tutt, who sees somethin' in Tucson Jennie's eye,
+declar's himse'f some hasty.
+
+"Even Texas backs the play.
+
+"'But make no mistake,' says Texas; 'I insists on wedlock over
+lynchin' only because it's worse.'
+
+"'Which it's as well, Sam Enright,' observes Missis Rucker, blowin'
+through her nose mighty warlike, 'that you an' your marauders has
+sense enough to see your way through to that deecision. Which if you'd
+failed, I'd have took this Turkey Track boy away from you-all with my
+own hands. This Vig'lance Committee needn't think it's goin' to do as
+it pleases 'round yere--hangin' folks for bein' in love, an' closin'
+its y'ears to the moans of a bleedin' heart.'
+
+"'My dear ma'am,' says Enright, his manner mollifyin'; 'I sees nothin'
+to discuss. The committee surrenders this culprit into the hands of
+you-all ladies, an' what more is thar to say?'
+
+"'Thar's this more to say,' an' Missis Rucker's that earnest her mouth
+snaps like a trap. 'You an' your gang, settin' round like a passel of
+badgers, don't want to get it into your heads that you're goin' to run
+rough-shod over me. When I gets ready to have my way in this outfit,
+the prairie dog that stands in my path'll shore wish he'd never been
+born.'
+
+"Enright don't say nothin' back, an' the balance of us maintainin' a
+dignified silence, Missis Rucker, after a look all 'round, withdraws,
+takin' with her Tucson Jennie an' Nell, Turkey Track in their midst.
+
+"'Gents,' observes Enright, when they're shore departed, an' speakin'
+up deecisive, 'ways must be deevised to 'liminate the feminine element
+from these yere meetin's. I says this before, but the idee don't seem
+to take no root. Thar's nothin' lovelier than woman, but by virchoo
+of her symp'thies she's oncap'ble of exact jestice. Her feelin's lead
+her, an' her heart's above her head. For which reasons, while I
+wouldn't favor nothin' so ondignified as hidin' out, I s'ggests that
+we be yereafter more circumspect, not to say surreptitious, in our
+deelib'rations.'
+
+"Shore, they're married. The cer'mony comes off in the O. K. House,
+an' folks flocks in from as far away as Deming.
+
+"'If you was a chemist, Sam,' says Peets, tryin' to eloocidate what
+happens when the Mockin' Bird learns she's heart-hungry that a-way for
+Turkey Track, 'you'd onderstand. It's as though her love's held in
+s'lootion, an' the jar of Turkey Track's gun preecip'tates it.'
+
+"'Mebby so,' returns Enright; 'but as a play, this thing's got me
+facin' back'ards. Thar's many schemes to win a lady, but this yere's
+the earliest instance when a gent shoots his way into her arms.'
+
+"'Well,' returns Peets, 'you know the old adage--to which of course
+thar's exceptions.' Yere he glances over at Missis Rucker. 'It runs:
+
+              "A woman, a spaniel an' a walnut tree,
+              The more you beat 'em the better they be."
+
+"Boggs has been congratchoolatin' Turkey Track, an' kissin' the bride.
+Texas, as somber as a spade flush, draws Boggs into a corner.
+
+"'That Turkey Track,' says Texas, 'considers this a whipsaw. He misses
+hangin', an' he gets the lady. He feels like he wins both ways. Wait!
+Dan, it won't be two years when he'll discover that, compar'd to
+marriage, hangin' that a-way ain't nothin' more'n a technical'ty.'"
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+THAT WOLFVILLE-RED DOG FOURTH
+
+
+"By nacher I'm a patriot, cradle born and cradle bred; my Americanism,
+second to none except that of wolves an' rattlesnakes an' Injuns an'
+sim'lar cattle, comes in the front door an' down the middle aisle; an'
+yet, son, I'm free to reemark that thar's one day in the year, an'
+sometimes two, when I shore reegrets our independence, an' wishes thar
+had been no Yorktown an' never no Bunker Hill."
+
+The old cattleman tasted his glass with an air weary to the borders of
+dejection; after which he took a pathetic puff at his pipe. I knew
+what had gone wrong. This was the Fifth of July. We had just survived
+a Fourth of unusual explosiveness, and the row and racket thereof had
+worn threadbare the old gentleman's nerves.
+
+"Yes, sir," he continued, shoving a 'possum-colored lock back from his
+brow, "as I suffers through one of them calamities miscalled
+cel'brations, endoorin' the slang-whangin' of the orators an' bracin'
+myse'f ag'inst the slam-bangin' of the guns, to say nothin' of the
+firecrackers an' kindred Chinese contraptions, I a'preeciates the
+feelin's of that Horace Walpole person Colonel Sterett quotes in his
+_Daily Coyote_ as sayin', 'I could love my country, if it ain't for my
+countrymen.'
+
+"Still, comin' down to the turn, I reckon it merely means, when all is
+in, that I'm gettin' too plumb old for comfort. It's five years now
+since I dare look in the glass, for fear I'd be tempted to count the
+annyooal wrinkles on my horns.
+
+"It's mighty queer about folks. Speakin' of cel'brations, for
+thousands of years the only way folks has of expressin' any feelin' of
+commoonal joy, that a-way, is to cut loose in limitless an' onmeanin'
+uproar. Also, their only notion of a public fest'val is for one half
+of the outfit to prance down the middle of the street, while the other
+half banks itse'f ag'inst the ediotic curb an' looks at 'em.
+
+"People in the herd ain't got no intelligence. We speaks of the lower
+anamiles as though we just has it on 'em completely in the matter of
+intelligence, but for myse'f I ain't so shore. The biggest fool of a
+mule-eared deer savvys enough to go feedin' up the wind, makin' so to
+speak a skirmish line of its nose to feel out ambushes. Any old bull
+elk possesses s'fficient wisdom to walk in a half-mile circle, as a
+concloodin' act before reetirin' for the night, so that with him
+asleep in the center, even if the wind does shift, his nose'll still
+get ample notice of whatever man or wolf may take to followin' his
+trail.
+
+"That's what them 'lower anamiles' does. An' now I asks, what man,
+goin' about his numbskull dest'nies, lookin' as plumb wise as a
+too-whoo owl at noon, ever shows gumption equal to keepin' the
+constant wind in his face, or has the sense to go walkin' round
+himse'f as he rolls into his blankets, same as that proodent elk?
+After all, I takes it that these yere Fo'th of Jooly upheavals is only
+one among the ten thousand fashions in which hoomanity eternally
+onbuckles in expressin' its imbecil'ty.
+
+"Which I certainly do get a heap disgusted at times with the wild
+beast called man. With all his bluffs about bein' so mighty sagacious,
+I can sit yere an' see that, speakin' mental, he ain't better than an
+even break with turkey gobblers. Even what he calls his science turns
+finally out with him to be but the accepted ignorance of to-day; an'
+he puts in every to-morrow of his existence provin' what a onbounded
+jackass rabbit he's been the day before. It's otherwise with them
+lower anamiles; what they knows they knows."
+
+Plainly, something had to be done to fortify my old friend. I fell
+back, quite as a matter of course, upon that first aid to the injured,
+another drink, and motioned the black waiter to the rescue. It did my
+old friend good, that drink, the first fruits of which easier if not
+better condition being certain fresh accusations against himself.
+
+"The trooth is, I'm a whole lot onused to these yere Fo'th of Jooly
+outbursts; an' so I ondoubted suffers from 'em more keenly, that
+a-way, than the av'rage gent. You see we never has none of 'em in
+Wolfville; leastwise we never does but once. On that single festive
+occasion we shore stubs our toe some plentiful, stubs it to that
+degree, in fact, that we never feels moved to buck the game ag'in.
+Once is enough for Wolfville.
+
+"Which it's the single failure that stains the fame of the camp. At
+that, the flat-out reely belongs to Red Dog; or at least to Pete
+Bland, for which misguided party the Red Dogs freely acknowledges
+reespons'bility as belongin' to their outfit.
+
+"This yere Bland's dead now an' deep onder the doomsday sods. Also, he
+died drinkin' like he'd lived.
+
+"'What's the malady?' Enright asks Peets, when the Doc comes trackin'
+back, after seein' the finish of Bland.
+
+"'No malady at all, Sam,' says Peets, plumb cheerful an' frisky, same
+as them case-hardened drug folks allers is when some other sport
+passes in his checks--'no malady whatsoever. His jag simply stops on
+centers, as a railroad gent'd say, an' I'm onable to start it ag'in.'
+
+"Was Peets any good as a med'cine man? Son, I'm shocked! Peets is
+packin' 'round in his professional warbags the dipplomies of twenty
+colleges, an' is onchallenged besides as the best eddicated sharp
+personal on the sunset side of the Mississippi. You bet, he
+onderstands the difference at least between bread pills an' buckshot,
+which is a heap sight further than some of these yere drug folks ever
+studies.
+
+"Colonel Sterett, who's fa'rly careful about what he says, reefers to
+Peets in his _Daily Coyote_ as a 'intellectchooal giant,' an' thar
+ain't no record of any scoffer comin' squanderin' along to contradict.
+Mebby you'll say that the omission to do so is doo to the f'rocious
+attitoode of the _Daily Coyote_ itse'f, techin' contradictions, an'
+p'int to how that imprint keeps standin' at the head of its editorial
+columns as a motto, the cynicism:
+
+"'Contradict the _Coyote_ and avoid old age!'
+
+"Thar'd be nothin' in it if you do. That motto's only one of Colonel
+Sterett's bluffs, one of his witticisms that a-way. You don't reckon
+that, in a sparsely settled country, whar the pop'lation is few an'
+far between, the Colonel's goin' to go bumpin' off a subscriber over
+mebby a mere difference of opinion? The Colonel ain't quite that
+locoed."
+
+"But about your Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth of July celebration?" I
+urged.
+
+"Which I'm in no temper to tell a story--me settin' yere with every
+nerve as tight as a banjo catgut jest before it snaps. To reelate
+yarns your mood ought to be the mood of the racontoor--a mood as rich
+an' rank an' upstandin' as a field of wheat, ready to billow an' bend
+before every gale of fancy. The way yesterday leaves me, whatever tale
+I ondertakes to reecount would about come out of my mouth as stiff an'
+short an' brittle as chopped hay. Also, as tasteless. Better let it go
+till some other an' more mellow evenin'."
+
+No; I was ready to accept the chances, and said as much. A chopped-hay
+style, for a change, might be found acceptable. Supplementing the
+declaration with renewed Old Jordan, I was so far victorious that my
+aged man of cattle yielded.
+
+"Well, then," he began reluctantly, "I'm onable to partic'larly say
+which gent does make the orig'nal s'ggestion, but my belief is it's
+Peets. I'm shore, however, that the Cornwallis idee comes from Bland;
+an', since it's not only at that Cornwallis angle we-all falls
+publicly down, but the same is primar'ly doo to the besotted obstinacy
+of this yere Bland himse'f, Wolfville, while ever proudly willin' to
+b'ar whatever blame's sawed off on to her shoulders proper, is always
+convinced that Red Dog an' not us is to be held accountable. However,
+Bland's gone an' paid what the sky scouts speaks of as the debt to
+nacher, an' I'm willin' to confess for one that when he's sober he
+ain't so bad. Not that them fits of sobriety is either so freequent or
+so protracted they takes on any color of monotony.
+
+"Bland's baptismal name is Pete, an' in his way he's a leadin'
+inflooence in Red Dog. He's owner of the 7-bar-D outfit, y'earmark a
+swallow-fork in both y'ears--which brands seventeen hundred calves
+each spring round-up; an' is moreover proprietor of the Abe Lincoln
+Hotel, the same bein' Red Dog's principal beanery. Bland don't have to
+keep this yere tavern none, but it arranges so he sees his friends an'
+gets their _dinero_ at one an' the same time, which as combinin'
+business an' pleasure in equal degrees appeals to him a heap.
+
+"Which it's the gen'ral voice that the best thing about Bland is his
+wife. She's shore loyal to Bland, you bet! When they're livin' in
+Prescott, an' a committee of three from one of them 'Purification Of
+The Home' societies comes trapesin' in, to tell her about Bland bein'
+ondooly interested in a exyooberant young soobrette who's singin' at
+the theayter, an' spendin' his money on her mighty permiscus, Missis
+Bland listens plenty ca'm ontil they're plumb through. Then she hands
+them Purifiers this:
+
+"'Well, ladies, I'd a heap sooner have a husband who can take keer of
+two women than a husband who can't take keer of one.'
+
+"After which she comes down on that Purification bunch like a fallin'
+star, an' brooms 'em out of the house. Accordin' to eye witnesses, who
+speaks without prejewdyce, she certainly does dust their bunnets
+strenuous.
+
+"When Bland hears he pats Missis Bland on the shoulder, an' exclaims,
+'Thar's my troo-bloo old Betsy Jane! She knows I wouldn't trade a look
+from them faded old gray eyes of hers for all the soobretts whoever
+pulls a frock on over their heads!'
+
+"Followin' which encomium Bland sends to San Francisco an' changes in
+the money from five hundred steers for an outfit of diamonds, to go
+'round her neck, an' preesents 'em to Missis Bland.
+
+"'Thar,' he says, danglin' them gewgaws in the sun, 'you don't notice
+no actresses flittin' about the scene arrayed like that, do you? If
+so, p'int out them over-bedecked females, an' I'll see all they've got
+on an' go 'em five thousand better, if it calls for every 7-bar-D
+steer on the range.'
+
+"'Pete,' says Missis Bland, clampin' on to the jooelry with one hand,
+an' slidin' the other about his neck, 'you certainly are the kindest
+soul who ever makes a moccasin track in Arizona, besides bein' a good
+provider.'
+
+"Shore, this yere Bland ain't so plumb bad.
+
+"An' after a fashion, too, he's able to give excooses. Talkin' to
+Peets, he lays his rather light an' frisky habits to him bein' a
+preacher's son.
+
+"'Which you never, Doc,' he says, 'meets up with the son an' heir of a
+pulpiteer that a-way, who ain't pullin' on the moral bit, an' tryin'
+for a runaway.'
+
+"'At any rate, Pete,' the Doc replies, all cautious an' conservative,
+'I will say that if you're lookin' for some party who'll every day be
+steady an' law abidin', not to say seedate, you'll be a heap more
+likely to find him by searchin' about among the progeny of some party
+who's been lynched.'
+
+"Recurrin' again to that miserabul Fo'th of Jooly play we cuts loose
+in, it's that evenin' when we invites Red Dog over in a body to he'p
+consoome the left-over stock of lickers in the former Votes For Women
+S'loon, an' nacherally thar's some drinkin'. As is not infrequent whar
+thar's drinkin', views is expressed an' prop'sitions made. It's then
+we takes up the business of havin' that cel'bration.
+
+"Peets makes a speech, I recalls, an' after dilatin' 'round to the
+effect that Fo'th of Jooly ain't but two weeks ahead, allows that it'd
+be in patriotic line for us to do somethin'.
+
+"'Conj'intly,' says Peets, 'Red Dog an' Wolfville, movin' together
+with one proud purpose of patriotism, ought to put over quite a show.
+As commoonities we're no longer in the swaddlin' clothes of infancy.
+It's time, too, that we goes on record as a whole public in some
+manner an' form best calk'lated to make a somnolent East set up an'
+notice us.'
+
+"Peets continyoos in a sim'lar vein, an' speaks of the settlement of
+the Southwest, wharin we b'ars our part, as a 'Exodus without a
+prophet, a croosade without a cross,' which sent'ment he confesses he
+takes from a lit'rary sport, but no less troo for that. He closes by
+sayin' that if everybody feels like he does Wolfville an' Red Dog'll
+j'ine in layin' out a program, that a-way, which'll shore spread the
+glorious trooth from coast to coast that we-all is on the map to
+stay.
+
+"It's a credit to both outfits, how yoonanimously the s'ggestion is
+took up. Which I never does see a public go all one way so plumb
+quick, an' with so little struggle, since B'ar Creek Stanton is
+lynched; which act of jestice even has the absoloote endorsement of
+B'ar Creek himse'f.
+
+"Peets is no sooner done talkin' than Tutt stacks in.
+
+"'Thar's our six-shooters,' says he, 'for the foosilade; an', as for
+moosic, sech as "Columbia the Gem" an' the "Star Spangled Banner," we
+can round up them Dutchmen, who's the orchestra over at the Bird Cage
+Op'ry House.'
+
+"The talk rambles on, one word borryin' another, ontil we outlines
+quite a game. Thar's to be a procession between Wolfville an' Red
+Dog, an' back ag'in, Faro Nell leadin' the same on a _pinto_ pony as
+the Goddess of Liberty.
+
+"'An' that reeminds me,' submits Cherokee, when we reaches Nell;
+'thar's Missis Rucker. It's goin' to hurt her feelin's to be left out.
+As the preesidin' genius of the O. K. Restauraw she's in shape to give
+us a racket we'll despise in eevent she gets her back up.'
+
+"'How about lettin' her in on the play,' says Boggs, 'an' typ'fyin'
+Jestice, that a-way?'
+
+"'Thar's a idee, Dan,' says Texas Thompson, 'which plugs the center, a
+reecommendation which does you proud! Down in that Laredo Co't House
+whar my wife wins out her divorce that time, thar's a figger of
+Jestice painted on the wall. Shore, it don't mean nothin'; but all the
+same it's thar, dressed in white, that a-way, with eyes bandaged, an'
+packin' a sword in one hand an' holdin' aloft some balances in
+t'other. Come to think of it, too, that picture shore looks a lot like
+Missis Rucker in the face, bein' plumb haughty an' commandin'.'
+
+"'Missis Rucker not bein' yere none,' says Enright softly, an'
+peerin' about some cautious, 'I submits that while no more esteemable
+lady ever tosses a flapjack or fries salt-hoss in a pan, her figger is
+mebby jest a trifle too abundant. As Jestice, she'll nacherally be
+arrayed--as Texas says--in white, same as Nell as the Goddess. I don't
+want to seem technicle, but white augments the size of folks an' will
+make the lady in question look bigger'n a load of hay.'
+
+"'Even so,' reemarks the Red Dog chief indulgently, 'would that of
+itse'f, I asks, be reckoned any setback? The lady will person'fy
+Jestice; an' as sech I submits she can't look none too big.'
+
+"In compliment to the Red Dog chief Enright, with a p'lite flourish,
+allows that he yields his objection with pleasure, an' Missis Rucker
+is put down for Jestice. It's agreed likewise to borry a coach from
+the stage company for her to ride on top.
+
+"'Her bein' preeclooded,' explains Peets, 'from ridin' a hoss that
+a-way, as entirely ondignified if not onsafe. We can rig her up a
+throne with one of the big splint-bottom cha'rs from the Red Light,
+an' wrop the same in the American flag so's to make it look
+offishul.'
+
+"Tucson Jennie, with little Enright Peets as the Hope of the Republic,
+is to ride inside the coach.
+
+"Havin' got this far, Pete Bland submits that a tellin' number would
+be a sham battle, Red Dog ag'in Wolfville.
+
+"Thar's opp'sition developed to this. Both Enright an' the Red Dog
+chief, as leaders of pop'lar feelin', is afraid that some sport'll
+forget that it ain't on the level, an' take to over-actin' his part.
+
+"As the Red Dog chief expresses it:
+
+"'Some gent might be so far carried away by enthoosiasm as to go to
+shootin' low, an' some other gent get creased.'
+
+"'The same bein' my notion exact,' Enright chips in. 'Of course, the
+gent who thus shoots low would ondenyably do so onintentional; but
+what good would that do the party who's been winged, an' who mightn't
+live long enough to receive apol'gies?'
+
+"'That's whatever!' says Jack Moore. 'A sham battle's too plumb apt to
+prove a snare. The more, since everybody's so onused to 'em 'round
+yere. A gent, by keepin' his mind firm fixed, might manage to miss
+once or twice; but soon or late he'd become preoccupied, an' bust some
+of the opp'sition before he could ketch himse'f.'
+
+"Bland, seein' opinion's ag'inst a sham battle, withdraws the motion,
+an' does it plenty graceful for a gent who's onable to stand.
+
+"'Enough said,' he remarks, wavin' a acquiescent paw. 'Ante, an' pass
+the buck.'
+
+"The Lightnin' Bug, speakin' from the Red Dog side, insists that in
+the reg'lar course of things thar's bound to be oratory. In that
+connection he mentions a sharp who lives in Phoenix.
+
+"'Which I'm shore,' says the Bug, 'he'd be gladly willin' to assist;
+an' you hear me he's got a tongue of fire! Some of you-all sports must
+have crossed up with him--Jedge Beebe of Phoenix?'
+
+"'Jedge Beebe?' interjecks Monte, who's given a hostler his proxy to
+take out the stage because of thar bein' onlimited licker; 'me an' the
+Jedge stands drinkin' together for hours the last time he's in Tucson.
+But you're plumb wrong, Bug, about him bein' eloquent.'
+
+"'Wrong?' the Bug repeats, mighty indignant.
+
+"'Of course,' says Monte, rememberin' how easy heated the Bug is, an'
+that he looks on six-shooters as argyooments, 'I don't mean he can't
+talk none; only he ain't what the Doc yere calls no Demosthenes.'
+
+"'Did you ever hear the Jedge talk?' demands the Bug.
+
+"'Which I shore does,' insists Monte; 'I listens to him for two hours
+that time in Tucson. It's when they opens the Broadway Dance Hall.'
+
+"'Whatever is his subject?' asks the Bug, layin' for to ketch Monte;
+'what's the Jedge talkin' about?'
+
+"'I don't know,' says Monte, wropped in his usual mantle of
+whiskey-soaked innocence; 'he didn't say.'
+
+"The Bug's eyes comes together in a angry focus; he thinks he's bein'
+made game of.
+
+"Tharupon Enright cuts in.
+
+"'Bug,' he says, all sociable an' suave, 'you mustn't mind Monte. He's
+so misconstructed that followin' the twenty-fifth drink he goes about
+takin' his ignorance for information. No one doubts but you're a heap
+better jedge than him of eloquence, an' everything else except
+nosepaint. S'ppose you consider yourse'f a committee to act for the
+con'jint camps, an' invite this yere joorist to be present as orator
+of the day.'
+
+"The Bug's brow cl'ars at this, an' he asshores Enright that he'll be
+proud to act as sech.
+
+"'An', gents,' he adds, 'if you says he ain't got Patrick Henry beat
+to a standstill, may I never hold as good as aces-up ag'in.'
+
+"The Red Dog chief announces that all hands must attend a free-for-all
+banquet which, inflooenced by the tenth drink, he then an' thar
+decides to give at Bland's Abe Lincoln House.
+
+"'Said banquet,' he explains, 'bein' in the nacher of a lunch to be
+held at high noon. If the dinin' room of the Abe Lincoln House ain't
+spacious enough, an I'll say right yere it ain't, we'll teetotaciously
+set them tables in the street. That's my style! I wants everybody, bar
+Mexicans, to be present. When I gives a blow-out, I goes fo'th into
+the highways an' byways, an' asks the halt an' the lame an' the
+blind, like the good book says. Also, no gent need go prowlin' 'round
+for no weddin' garments wharin to come. Which he's welcome to show up
+in goat-skin laiggin's, or appear wropped in the drippin' an'
+offensive pelt of a wet dog.'
+
+"The Red Dog chief, lest some of us is sens'tive, goes on to add that
+no gent is to regyard them cracks about the halt an' the lame an' the
+blind as aimed at Wolfville. He allows he ain't that invidious, an' in
+what he says is merely out to be both euphonious an' explicit, that
+a-way, at one an' the same time.
+
+"To which Enright reesponds that no offence is took, an' asshores the
+Red Dog chief that Wolfville will attend the banquet all spraddled
+out.
+
+"More licker, followed by gen'ral congratulations.
+
+"Bland ag'in comes surgin' to the fore. This time he thinks that as a
+main feachure it would be a highly effective racket to reenact the
+surrender of Cornwallis to Washington.
+
+"Tutt goes weavin' across to shake his hand.
+
+"'Some folks allows, Pete,' says Tutt, 'that you're as whiskey-soaked
+an old fool as Monte. But not me, Pete, not your old pard, Dave Tutt!
+An' you hear me, Pete, that idee about Cornwallis givin' up his sword
+to Washington dem'nstrates it.'
+
+"'You bet your life it does!' says Bland.
+
+"'But is this yere surrender feasible?' asks Texas. 'Which, at first
+blink, it seems some cumbrous to me.'
+
+"'It's as easy as turnin' jack,' declar's Tutt, takin' the play away
+from Bland. 'I've seen it done.'
+
+"'As when an' whar?' puts in Cherokee.
+
+"'Thar's a time,' says Tutt--'it's way back--when I sets into a little
+poker game over in El Paso, table stakes she is, an' cleans up for
+about $10,000. For mebby a week I goes 'round thinkin' that $10,000 is
+a million; an' after that I simply _knows_ it is. These yere
+onnacheral riches onhinges me to a p'int whar I deecides I'll visit
+Chicago an' Noo York, as calk'lated to broaden me.'
+
+"'Noo York!--Chicago!' interrupts the Bug. 'I once deescends upon them
+hamlets, an' I encounters this yere strikin' difference. In Chicago
+they wouldn't let me spend a dollar, while in Noo York they wouldn't
+let anybody else spend one.'
+
+"'It's otherwise with me,' goes on Tutt, 'because for a wind-up I
+don't see neither. I'm young then, d' you see, an' affected by yooth
+an' wealth I takes to licker, with the result that I goes pervadin' up
+an' down the train, insistin' on becomin' person'ly known to the
+passengers.'
+
+"'An' nacherally you gets put off,' says Boggs.
+
+"'Not exactly, neither. Only the conductor, assisted by a bevy of
+brakemen, lays the thing before me in sech a convincin' shape that I
+gets off of my own accord. It seems that to be agree'ble, I proposes
+wedlock to a middle-aged schoolmarm, who allows that she sees no
+objection except I'm a perfect stranger. She says it ain't been
+customary with her much to go weddin' strangers that a-way, but if
+I'll get myse'f reg'larly introdooced, an' then give her a day or so
+to become used to my looks, she'll go me. It's then the conductor
+draws me aside, an' says, "I've a son about your age, my eboolient
+young sport, which is why I takes your part. My theery is that if you
+sticks aboard this train ontil we reaches Rock Island, you'll never
+leave that village a single man."
+
+"'This sobers me,' Tutt continyoos, 'an' I hides in the baggage kyar
+ontil we reaches a camp called Sedalia, whar I quietly makes my
+escape. I'm that reelieved I gives the cabman $20 to let me drive, an'
+then starts in to wake things up. Which I shore wakes 'em! I comes
+down the main street like the breath of destiny; an', say, you ought
+to see them Missourians climb trees, an' gen'rally break for cover! It
+costs me $50; an' the jedge gives me his word that, only it's the
+Fo'th of Jooly, he'd have handed me two weeks in the calaboose. I
+clinks down the fifty _pesos_ some grateful, an' goes bulgin' forth to
+witness the cer'monies. She's a jo-darter, that Sedalia cel'bration
+is! As Pete yere recommends, they pulls off the surrender of
+Cornwallis on the Fair grounds. Also, it's plumb easy. All you needs
+is mebby a couple of hundred folks on hosses, an' after that the
+rest's like rollin' off a log.'
+
+"More is said as the drink goes round, an' Cornwallis surrenderin'
+to Washington takes hold of our imaginations. We throws dice,
+an' settles it that Red Dog'll be the English, with Bland as
+Cornwallis, while Wolfville acts as the Americans, Boggs to perform
+as Washington--Boggs bein' six foot an' some inches, besides as
+wide as a door. By the time we gets the stock of the Votes for
+Women S'loon fully drinked up everything's arranged.
+
+"Onless you sees no objections, son, I'll gallop through the balance
+of this yere painful eepisode. The day comes round, bright an'
+cl'ar, an' the Copper Queen people gen'rously starts the ball
+a-rollin' by explodin' thirteen cans of powder, one for each of
+the orig'nal states. Then the procession forms, Nell in front as the
+Goddess. Thar's full two hundred of us, Wolfville an' Red Dog, on
+ponies. As to Missis Rucker, she's on top of the coach as Jestice,
+Tucson Jennie--with little Enright Peets lookin' like a young he
+cherub--inside, an' Monte pullin' the reins over the six hosses.
+We makes four trips between Wolfville an' Red Dog, crackin' off
+our good old '45s at irreg'lar intervals, Nell on her calico pony as
+the Goddess bustin' away with the rest.
+
+"Little Enright Peets wants in on the pistol shootin', an' howls jes'
+like a coyote--as children will--ontil Boggs, who foresees it an'
+comes provided, gives him a baby pistol, a box of blank cartridges,
+an' exhorts him to cut loose. Which little Enright Peets shore cuts
+loose, all right; an', except that he sets fire to the coach a few
+times, an' makes Missis Rucker oneasy up on top--her fearin' that
+mebby some of them blanks has bullets in 'em by mistake--he has a
+perfectly splendid time.
+
+"The procession over, we eats up the Red Dog chief's banquet, wharat
+every brand of airtights is introdooced. That done, we listens to
+Jedge Beebe, who soars an' sails an' sails an' soars, rhetorical, for
+mebby it's a hour, an' is that eloquent an' elevated he never hits
+nothin' but the highest places.
+
+"The Red Dog chief makes a speech, an' proposes 'Wolfville'; to which
+Peets--by Enright's request--reesponds, an' offers 'Red Dog.' It's
+bottoms up to both sentiments; for thar's no negligence about the
+drinks, Black Jack havin' capered fraternally over to he'p out his
+overworked barkeep brother of the Red Dog Tub of Blood.
+
+"When no one wants to further drink or eat or talk, we reepa'rs to a
+level place between the two camps to go through the Cornwallis'
+surrender. The rival forces is arrayed opp'site, Cornwallis Bland in a
+red coat, an' Washington Boggs in bloo an' buff, accordin' to the
+teachin's of hist'ry. Both of 'em has sabers donated from the Fort.
+
+"When all's ready Washington Boggs an' Cornwallis Bland rides out in
+front ontil they're in easy speakin' distance. Cornwallis Bland's been
+over-drinkin' some, an' is w'arin' a mighty deefiant look.
+
+"After a spell, nothin' bein' spoke on either side, Washington Boggs
+calls out:
+
+"'Is this yere Gen'ral Cornwallis?'
+
+"'Who you talkin' to?' demands Cornwallis Bland, a heap contemptuous
+an' insolent.
+
+"Peets has done writ out words for 'em to say, but neither uses 'em.
+Observin' how Cornwallis Bland conducts himse'f, Washington Boggs
+waves his sword plenty vehement, which makes his pony cavort an'
+buckjump, an' roars:
+
+"'Don't you try to play nothin' on me, Gen'ral Cornwallis. Do you or
+do you not surrender your mis'rable blade?'
+
+"'Surrender nothin'!' Cornwallis Bland sneers back, meanwhile reelin'
+in his saddle. 'Thar's never the horned-toad clanks a spur in Cochise
+County can make me surrender. Likewise, don't you-all go wavin' that
+fool weepon at me none. I don't valyoo it more'n if it's a puddin'
+stick. Which I've got one of 'em myse'f'--yere he'd have lopped off
+one of his pony's y'ears, only it's so dull--'an' I wouldn't give it
+to a yellow pup to play with.'
+
+"'For the last time, Cornwallis,' says Washington Boggs, face aflame
+with rage, 'I commands you to surrender.'
+
+"'Don't let him bluff you, Pete,' yells a bumptious young cow-puncher
+who belongs on the Red Dog-English side. 'Which we can wipe up the
+plains with that Wolfville outfit.'
+
+"The Red Dog chief bats the young trouble-makin' cow-puncher over the
+head with his gun, an' quietly motions to the Lightnin' Bug an' a
+fellow Red Dog to pack what reemains of him to the r'ar. This done, he
+turns to reemonstrate with Cornwallis Bland for his obstinancy. He's
+too late. Washington Boggs, who's stood all he will, drives the spurs
+into his pony, an' next with a bound an' a rush, he hits Cornwallis
+Bland an' his charger full chisle.
+
+"The pony of Cornwallis Bland fa'rly swaps ends with itse'f, an'
+Cornwallis would have swapped ends with it, too, only Washington Boggs
+collars an' hefts him out of his saddle.
+
+"'Now, you onwashed drunkard, will you surrender?' roars Washington
+Boggs, shakin' Cornwallis Bland like a dog does a rat, ontil that
+British leader drops all of his hardware, incloosive of his
+pistol--'now will you surrender, or must I break your back across your
+own pony, as showin' you the error of your ways?'
+
+"It looks like thar's goin' to be a hostile comminglin' of all hands,
+when--her ha'r streamin' behind her same as if she's a comet--Missis
+Bland comes chargin' up.
+
+"'Yere, you drunken villyun!' she screams to Boggs, 'give me my
+husband this instant, onless you wants me to t'ar your eyes out!'
+
+"'It's him who's to blame, ma'am,' says Enright mildly, comin' to
+Boggs' rescoo; 'which he won't surrender.'
+
+"'Oh, he won't, won't he?' says Missis Bland, as she hooks onto
+Cornwallis Bland. 'You bet he'll surrender to me all right, or I'll
+know why.'
+
+"As the Red Dog chief is apol'gizin' to Enright, who's tellin' him not
+to mind, Cornwallis Bland is bein' half shoved an' half drug, not to
+mention wholly yanked, towards the Abe Lincoln House by Missis Bland.
+
+"That's the end. This yere ontoward finale to our cel'bration gets
+wide-flung notice in print, an' instead of bein' a boost, as we-all
+hopes, Wolfville an' Red Dog becomes a jest an' jeer. Also, while it
+don't sour the friendly relations of the two camps, the simple mention
+of Fo'th of Jooly leaves a bitter taste in the Wolfville-Red Dog mouth
+ever since."
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+PROPRIETY PRATT, HYPNOTIST
+
+
+"Do I ever see any folks get hypnotized? Which I witnesses a few sech
+instances. But it's usually done with a gun. If you're yearnin' to
+behold a party go into a trance plumb successful an' abrupt, get the
+drop on him. Thar ain't one sport in a hundred who can look into the
+muzzle of a Colt's .45, held by a competent hand, without lapsin' into
+what Peets calls a 'cataleptic state.'
+
+"Shore, son, I savvys what you means."
+
+The last was because I had begun to exhibit signs of impatience at
+what I regarded as a too flippant spirit on the part of my old
+cattleman. In the polite kindliness of his nature he made haste to
+smooth down my fur.
+
+"To be shore I onderstands you. As to the real thing in hypnotism,
+however, thar arises as I recalls eevents but few examples in Arizona.
+The Southwest that a-way ain't the troo field for them hypnotists, the
+weak-minded among the pop'lation bein' redooced to minimum. Now an'
+then of course some hypnotic maverick, who's strayed from the eastern
+range, takes to trackin' 'round among us sort o' blind an' permiscus.
+But he never stays long, an' is generally tickled to death when some
+vig'lance committee so far reelents as to let him escape back.
+
+"Over in Bernilillo once, I'm present when a mob gets its rope onto
+one of these yere wizards, an' it's nothin' but the mercy of hell an'
+the mean pars'mony of what outcasts has him in charge, which saves him
+from bein' swung up. Mind you, it ain't no vig'lance committee, but a
+mob, that's got him.
+
+"Whatever is the difference?
+
+"Said difference, son, is as a spanless gulf. A vig'lance committee is
+the coolest kind of comin' together of the integrity an' the brains of
+a commoonity. A mob, on the other hand, is a chance-blown convention
+of deestructionists, as savagely brainless as a pack of timber wolves.
+A vig'lance committee seeks jestice; a mob is merely out for blood."
+
+"About this Bernilillo business?"
+
+The old gentleman, as though the recital might take some time,
+signalled the black attendant to bring refreshments. The bottle
+comfortably at his elbow, he proceeded.
+
+"I was thar, as I says, but I takes no part for either 'yes' or 'no,'
+bein' no more'n simply a 'looker on in Vienna,' as the actor party
+observes over in the Bird Cage Op'ry House. Thar's one of them
+hypnotizin' sharps who's come bulgin' into Bernilillo to give a show.
+Nacherally the local folks raps for a showdown; they insists he
+entrance some one they knows, an' refooses to be put off by him
+hypnotizin' what herd of hirelin's he's brought with him, on the
+argyooment that them humbugs is in all likelihood but cappers for his
+game.
+
+"Thus stood up, the professor, as he calls himself, begins rummagin'
+'round for a subject. Thar's a little Frenchman who's been pervadin'
+about Bernilillo, claimin' to be a artist. Which he's shore a painter
+all right. I sees him myse'f take a bresh an' a batch of colors, an'
+paint a runnin' iron so it looks so much like wood it floats. Shore;
+Emil--which this yere genius' name is Emil--as a artist that a-way is
+as good as jacks-up before the draw.
+
+"The hypnotic professor runs his eye over the audjence. In a moment
+he's onto Emil, an' begins to w'irl his hypnotic rope. It's Emil bein'
+thin an' weakly an' bloodless, I reckon, that attracts him. This yere
+Emil ain't got bodily stren'th to hold his own ag'in a high wind, an'
+the professor is on at a glance that, considered from standp'ints of
+hypnotism, he ought to be a pushover.
+
+"Emil don't hone to be no subject, but them Bernilillo hold-ups
+snatches onto him in spite of his protests, an' passes him up onto the
+stage to the professor. They're plenty headlong, not to say boorish,
+them Bernilillo ruffians be; speshully if they've sot their hearts on
+anythin', an' pore Emil stands about the same show among 'em as a
+cottontail rabbit among a passel of owls.
+
+"For myse'f, I allers adheres to a theery that what follows is to be
+laid primar'ly to the door of the Bernilillo pop'lace. Which it's
+themselves, not the professor, they'd oughter've strung up. You see
+this Emil artist person blinks out onder the spells of the professor,
+an' never does come to no more. The professor hypnotizes Emil, but he
+can't onhypnotize him. Thar he sets as dead as Davy Crockett.
+
+"This yere Emil bein' shore dead, Bernilillo sent'ment begins to churn
+an' wax active. Thar ain't a well-conditioned vig'lance committee
+between the Pecos an' the Colorado which, onder the circumstances,
+would have dreamed of stretchin' that professor. What he does, them
+Bernilillo dolts forces him to do. As for deceased, his ontimely
+evaporation that a-way is but the frootes of happenstance.
+
+"What cares the Bernilillo pop'lace, wolf hungry for blood? In the
+droppin' of a sombrero they've cinched onto the professor, an' the
+only question left open is whether they'll string him up to the town
+windmill or the sign in front of the First National Bank.
+
+"While them Bernilillo wolves is howlin' an' mobbin' an' millin'
+'round the professor--who himse'f is scared plumb speechless an' is as
+white as a lump of chalk--relief pushes to the front in most
+onexpected shape. It's a kyard sharp by the name of Singleton,
+otherwise called the Planter, who puts himse'f in nom'nation to
+extricate the professor.
+
+"Climbin' onto the top step in front of the bank, the Planter lifts up
+his voice for a hearin'.
+
+"'Folks!' he shouts, 'I'm in favor of this yere lynchin' like a
+landslide. But, all the same, thar's a bet we overlooks. It's up to us
+not only to be jest, but to be gen'rous. This yere murderer, who's
+done blotted out the only real artist I ever meets except myse'f, has
+a wife down to the hotel. As incident to these festiv'ties she's goin'
+to be a widow. Is it for the manhood an' civic virchoo of Bernilillo
+to leave a widow of its own construction broke an' without a dollar? I
+hears the incensed echoes from the Black Range roarin' back in
+scornful accents "No!" Sech bein' the sityooation, as preelim'nary to
+this yere hangin' I moves we takes up a collection for that widow.
+Yere's a fifty to 'nitiate the play'--at this p'int the Planter throws
+a fifty-dollar bill into his hat--'an' as I passes among you I wants
+every sport to come across, lib'ral an' free, an' prove to the world
+lookin' on that Bernilillo is the band of onbelted philanthropists
+which mankind's allers believed.
+
+"Hat in hand, same as if it's a contreebution box an' he's passin' the
+platter in church, the Planter begins goin' in an' out through the
+multitood like a meadowlark through standin' grass. That is, he
+starts to go in an' out; but, at the first motion, that entire
+lynchin' party exhales like mist on the mornin' mountains. It's the
+same as flappin' a blanket at a bunch of cattle. Every profligate of
+'em, at the su'gestion he contreebute to the widow, gets stampeded,
+an' thar's nobody left but the Planter, the professor, an' me.
+
+"'Which I shore knows how to tech them ground-hawgs on the raw,' says
+the Planter, as he onlooses the professor. 'If I was to have p'inted a
+gun at 'em now, they'd've give me a battle. But bein' to the last man
+jack a bunch of onmitigated misers, a threat leveled at their
+bankrolls sets 'em to hidin' out like quail!'
+
+"The professor?
+
+"The instant he's laig-free, an' without so much as pausin' to
+congrachoolate his preeserver on the power of his eloquence, he
+vanishes into the night. He's headin' towards Vegas as he's lost to
+sight, an' I learns later from Russ Kishler he makes that meetropolis
+more or less used up. No; he don't have no wife. That flight of fancy
+is flung off by the Planter simply as furnishin' 'atmosphere.'
+
+"Wolfville never gets honored but once by the notice of a hypnotist.
+This yere party don't proclaim himse'f as sech, but bills his little
+game as that of a 'magnetic healer,' an' allows in words a foot high
+that he's out to 'make the deef hear, the blind see, the lame to walk
+an' the halt to skip an' gambol as doth the hillside lamb.' Also, on
+them notices, the same bein' the bigness of a hoss-blanket an' hung up
+lib'ral in the Red Light, the post office, the Dance Hall, an' the Noo
+York store, is a picture of old Satan himse'f, teachin' Professor
+Propriety Pratt--that bein' the name this yere neecromancer gives
+himse'f--his trade.
+
+"These proclamations is tacked up a full week before Professor Pratt
+is doo, an' prodooces a profound effect on Boggs, him bein' by nacher
+sooperstitious to the brink of the egreegious. The evenin' before the
+Professor is to onlimber on us, he shows in Red Dog, an' Boggs is that
+roused by what's been promised in the line of mir'cles, he rides
+across to be present.
+
+"'It ain't that I'm convinced none,' Boggs reports, when quaffin' his
+Old Jordan in the Red Light, an' settin' fo'th what he sees, 'but I
+must confess to bein' more or less onhossed by what this yere Pratt
+Professor does. He don't magnetize none of them Red Dog drunkards in
+person, for which he's to be exon'rated, since no self-respectin'
+magnetizer would let himse'f get tangled up with sech. He confines his
+exploits to a brace of dreamy lookin' ground owls he totes 'round with
+him, an' which he calls his "hosses." What he makes these vagrants do,
+though, assoomin' it's on the squar', is a caution to bull-snakes.
+After he's got 'em onder the "inflooence," they eats raw potatoes like
+they're roast apples, sticks needles into themselves same as though
+they're pincushions, an' at his slightest behest performs other feats
+both blood-curdlin' an' myster'ous.'
+
+"We-all listens to Boggs, of course, as he recounts what marvels he's
+gone ag'inst in Red Dog, but we don't yield him as much attention as
+we otherwise might, bein' preeockepied as a public with word of a
+hold-up that's come off over near the Whetstone Springs. Some
+bandit--all alone--sticks up the Lordsburg coach, an' quits winner
+sixty thousand dollars. Nacherally our cur'osity is a heap stirred up,
+for with sech encouragement thar's no tellin' when he'll make a play
+at Monte an' the Wolfville stage, an' take to layin' waste the
+fortunes of all us gents. What is done to Lordsburg we can stand, but
+a blow at our own warbags, even in antic'pation, is calc'lated to
+cause us to perk up. We're all discussin' the doin's of this yere
+route agent an' wonderin' if it's Curly Bill, when Boggs gets back
+from Red Dog, with the result, as I says, that he onloads his
+findin's, that a-way, on a dead kyard. Not that this yere public
+inattention preys on Boggs. He keeps on drinkin' an' talkin', same as
+though, all y'ears like a field of wheat, we ain't doin' a thing but
+listen.
+
+"'Also,' he observes, as he tells Black Jack to rebusy himse'f,
+meanwhile p'intin' up to the poster which shows how the devil is
+holdin' Professor Pratt in his lap an' laborin' for that hypnotist's
+instruction; 'I shall think out a few tests which oughter get the
+measure of that mountebank. He won't find this outfit so easy as them
+Red Dog boneheads.'
+
+"Professor Pratt has a one-day wait in Wolfville, not bein' able that
+evenin' to get the Bird Cage Op'ry House, the same bein' engaged by a
+company of histrions called the Red Stocking Blonds. Havin' nothin'
+else to do, the Professor wanders yere an' thar, now in the Red
+Light, now at the Noo York store, but showin' up at the O. K.
+Restauraw at chuck time both rav'nous an' reg'lar. Missis Rucker
+allows she never does feed a gent who puts himse'f outside of so much
+grub for the money, an' hazards the belief it's because of a loss of
+nervous force through them hypnotizin's he pulls off. Not that she's
+findin' fault, for the Professor, havin' staked her to a free ticket,
+has her on his staff in the shakin' of a dice-box.
+
+"The Professor don't come bulgin' among us, garroolous an' friendly,
+but holds himse'f aloof a heap, clingin' to the feelin' mebby that to
+preeserve a distance is likely to swell reesults at the Bird Cage
+door. Boggs, however, ain't to be stood off by no coldness, carin' no
+more for a gent's bein' haughty that a-way than a cow does for a
+cobweb. Which you bet it'll take somethin' more'n mere airs to hold
+Boggs in check.
+
+"It's in the O. K. Restauraw, followin' our evenin' _frijoles_, that
+Boggs breaks the ice an' declar's for some exper'ments.
+
+"'Which you claims,' says he, appealin' to the Professor, 'to make the
+deef hear and the blind see. Onforchoonately we're out of deef folks
+at this writin', an' thar's nothin' approachin' blindness in this neck
+of woods which don't arise from licker. But aside from cures thus
+rendered impossible for want of el'gible invalids, thar's still this
+yere hypnotic bluff you puts up. What Wolfville hankers for is tests,
+tests about the legit'macy of which thar's no openin' for dispoote.
+Wharfore I yereby makes offer of myse'f to become your onmurmurin'
+dupe. I'll gamble you a stack of bloos you don't make me drink no
+water, thinkin' it's nosepaint, same as you pretends to do with them
+wretched confed'rates of yours.'
+
+"The Professor is a big b'ar-built sport, an' looks equal to holdin'
+his own onder common conditions. But Boggs don't come onder the latter
+head. So the Professor, turnin' diplomatic an' compliment'ry, explains
+that sech powerful nachers as Boggs' is out of reach of his
+rope--Boggs bein' reepellent, besides havin' too strong a will.
+
+"'As to you, Mister Boggs, with that will of yours,' says the
+Professor, 'I might as well talk of hypnotizin' Cook's Peak.'
+
+"One after another, Boggs makes parade of everybody in camp. It's no
+go; the Professor waves 'em aside as plumb onfit. Missis Rucker's got
+too much on her mind; in Rucker the tides of manhood is at so low a
+ebb he might die onder the pressure; Monte's too full of nosepaint,
+alcohol, that a-way, bein' a nonconductor.
+
+"When the Professor dismisses Monte, the ground he puts it on excites
+that inebriate to whar it reequires the united energies of Cherokee
+an' Tutt to kick him off the Professor. It's only the direct commands
+of Enright which in the end indooces him to keep the peace.
+
+"'Let me at him!' he howls; 'let me get at him! Does any one figger
+I'll allow some fly-by-night charl'tan to go reeflectin' on me? Stand
+back, Cherokee, get out o' the way, Dave, till I plaster the wall with
+his reemains!'
+
+"'Ca'm yourse'f, Monte,' says Enright, who's come in in time to
+onderstand the trouble. 'Which if this hypnotizer was reely meanin' to
+outrage your feelin's, it'd be different a whole lot, an' this
+sod-pawin' an' horn-tossin' might plead some jestification. But what
+he says is in the way of scientific exposition, an' nothin' said
+scientific's to be took insultin'. Ain't that your view, Doc?'
+
+"'Shore,' replies Peets. The Doc's been havin' no part in the
+discussion, him holdin' that the Professor, with his rannikaboo bluff
+about healin', is a empirik, an' beneath his professional contempt.
+'Shore. Also, I'm free to inform Monte that if he thinks he's goin' to
+lap up red licker to the degree he does, an' obleege folks in gen'ral
+to treat sech consumption as a secret, he's got his stack down
+wrong.'
+
+"'Enough said,' ejacyoolates Monte, but still warm; 'whether or no,
+Doc, I'm the sot this outfit's so fond of picturin', I at least ain't
+so lost to reason as to go buckin' ag'inst you an' Enright. Jest the
+same, though, I'm yere to give the news to any magnetizing horned-toad
+who sows the seeds of dispoote in this camp that, if he goes about
+malignin' me, he'll shore find I'm preecisely the orange-hued
+chimpanzee to wrop my prehensile tail around him an' yank him from his
+limb.'
+
+"'Aside from aidin' the deef an' the blind,' says the Professor,
+ignorin' Monte utter an' addressin' himse'f to Boggs an' the public
+gen'ral, 'my ministrations has been found eff'cacious wharever the
+course of troo love has not run smooth. I binds up wounds of
+sent'ment, an' cures every sickness of the soul. Which, if thar's any
+heart lyin' 'round loose yereabouts an' failin' to beat as one, or a
+sperit that's been disyoonited from its mate an' can't remake the
+hook-up, trust me to get thar with bells on in remedyin' sech evils.'
+
+"The Professor beams as he gets this off, mighty benignant. Texas,
+feelin' like the common eye is on him, commences to grow restless.
+
+"'Be you-all alloodin' to me?' he asks the Professor, his manner
+approaching the petyoolant. 'Let me give you warnin', an' all on the
+principle that a wink is as good as a nod to a blind mule. So shore as
+you go to makin' any plays to reyoonite me an' that divorced Laredo
+wife of mine I'll c'llect enough of your hypnotizin' hide to make a
+saddle-cover.'
+
+"'Permit me,' says the Professor, turnin' to Texas some aghast, 'to
+give you my word I nourishes no sech deesigns. Which I'm driven to
+say, however, that your attitoode is as hard to fathom as a fifth ace
+in a poker deck. I in no wise onderstands your drift.'
+
+"'You onderstands at least,' returns Texas, still morbid an'
+f'rocious, 'that you or any other fortune teller might better have
+been born a Digger Injun to live on lizards, sage bresh an'
+grasshoppers than come messin' 'round in my mar'tal affairs with a
+view to reebuildin' 'em up. My hopes in that behalf is rooined; an'
+whoever ondertakes their rehabil'tation'll do it in the smoke. What
+I'm out after now is the ca'm onbroken misery of a single life, an'
+I'll shore have it or have war.'
+
+"'My heated friend, I harbors no notion,' the Professor protests, 'of
+tryin' to make it otherwise. Your romancin' 'round single, that a-way,
+ain't no skin off my nose. An' while I never before hears of your
+former bride, I'm onable to dodge the feelin' that she herse'f most
+likely might reesent to the utmost any attempt on my part to ag'in
+bring you an' her together.'
+
+"Texas formyoolates no express reply, but growls. The Professor, still
+with that propitiatin' front, appeals to the rest of us.
+
+"'Gents,' he says, 'this yere's the most reesentful outfit I'm ever
+inveigled into tryin' to give a show to. I certainly has no thought of
+rubbin' wrong-ways the pop'lar bristles. All I aims at is to give a
+exhibition of anamile magnetism, cure what halt an' blind--if any--is
+cripplin' an' moonin' about, c'llect my _dinero_ an' peacefully hit
+the trail. An' yet it looks like a prejewdice exists ag'inst me
+yere.'
+
+"'Put a leetle pressure on the curb, thar,' interrupts Peets. 'You're
+up ag'inst no prejewdice. On that bill, wharwith you've done defaced
+the Wolfville walls, you makes sundry claims. An' now you r'ars back
+on your ha'nches, preetendin' to feel plumb illyoosed, because some
+one seeks to put the acid on 'em.'
+
+"'That's whatever!' adds Boggs; 'the Doc states my p'sition
+equilaterally exact. I sees your Red Dog show. I'll be present a whole
+lot at your show to-morry night. Also, I feels the need of gyardin'
+ag'inst my own credoolity. What I sees you do in Red Dog, while not
+convincin', throws me miles into the oncertain air; an' I don't figger
+on lettin' you _vamoos_, leavin' me in no sech a onsettled frame.
+Wharfore, I deemands tests.'
+
+"'Yere,' breaks in Nell, who's been listenin', 'what's the matter of
+this occult party hypnotizin' me.'
+
+"'The odd kyard in that deck,' says Cherokee, his manner trenchin' on
+the baleful--'the odd kyard in that deck is that onless this yere
+occultist is cap'ble of mesmerizin' a bowie to whar it looses both
+p'int an' edge, for him to go weavin' his wiles an' guiles 'round you,
+Nellie, would mark the evenin' of his c'reer.'
+
+"Nell beams an' brightens at these yere proofs of Cherokee's int'rest,
+while the pore Professor looks as deeply disheveled mental as he does
+when Texas goes soarin' aloft.
+
+"Little Enright Peets waddles up to tell his paw that Tucson Jennie
+wants him. As he comes teeterin' along on his short cub-b'ar laigs,
+fat an' 'round as forty pigs, the Professor--thinkin' it'll mebby
+relieve the sityooation--stoops down to be pleasant to little Enright
+Peets.
+
+"'Yere's my little friend!' he says, at the same time holdin' out his
+hands.
+
+"Later we-all feels some ashamed of the excitement we displays. But
+the trooth is, the Professor offerin' to caress little Enright Peets
+that a-way sends us plumb off our feet. I never before witnesses any
+sech display of force. Every gent starts for'ard, an' some has pulled
+their guns.
+
+"'Paws off!' roars Enright to the pore dazed Professor, who
+comes mighty clost to rottin' down right thar; 'in view of them
+announcements'--yere Enright p'ints to the bill, whar Satan an'
+the Professor is deepicted as teacher an' poopil--'do you-all reckon
+we lets sech a devil's baby as you go manhandlin' that child?'
+
+"The Professor throws up his hands like he's growing desp'rate.
+
+"'Folks,' he says, 'I asks, in all hoomility, is thar anythin' I can
+say or do in this yere camp without throwing away my life?'
+
+"'Shore,' returns Boggs; 'all you got to do is give a deemonstration.'
+
+"'However be I goin' to give a hypnotic deemonstration,' returns the
+Professor, apparently on the verge of nervous breakdown, 'when every
+possible subject is either too preeokyoopied, or too obstinate, or too
+weak, or too yoothful, or too beautiful, or too drunk? If it's healin'
+you're after, bring fo'th the sickest you've got. If he's blind an'
+his eye ain't gouged plumb out, I'll make him see; if he's lame an'
+his laig ain't cut plumb off, I'll make him walk. An' now, gents, I'm
+through. If these yere proffers don't suit, proceed with my bootchery.
+I care less, since one day with you-all exactin' tarrapins has
+rendered life so distasteful to me that I wouldn't turn hand or head
+to live.'
+
+"Havin' got this off his mind, the harassed Professor sets down an'
+buries his face in his hands.
+
+"'Why not introdooce him,' breaks in Rucker, who's nosin' about, 'to
+that aflickted shorthorn who comes groanin' in on the stage last
+night? He's been quiled up in his blankets with the rhoomatism ever
+since he hits camp. Which if this yere imposter can make him walk,
+it'll shore be kings-up with Missis Rucker, 'cause she wants to make
+the bed.'
+
+"'Whar's this sufferer at?' demands Boggs, takin' the Professor by the
+sleeve an' with the same motion pullin' his six-shooter. 'This yere
+discussion's done reached the mark whar it's goin' to be a case of
+kill or cure for some sport.'
+
+"Rucker leads the way up sta'rs, Boggs an' the Professor next, the
+rest trailin'. All hands crowds into the little dark bedroom. Thar on
+the bed, clewed up into a knot, lies the rhoomatic party. As we-all
+files in, he draws himse'f onder the blankets ontil nothin' but his
+nose sticks out.
+
+"'Professor,' says Boggs, an' his six-shooter goes 'kluck! kluck!'
+mighty menacin', 'onfurl your game! I shore trusts that you ain't
+started nothin' you can't stop.'
+
+"The pore Professor don't nurse no doubts. He thinks he's in the
+bubblin' midst of blood an' sudden death; wharfore, you bet, he throws
+plenty of sperit into his racket. Makin' some hostile moves with his
+hands--Boggs elevatin' his gun, not bein' quite content about them
+motions--the Professor yells:
+
+"'Get up!'
+
+"Talk of mir'cals! Which you should have seen that rhoomatic! With one
+turrific squawk he lands on his knees at the feet of Boggs, beggin'
+for mercy.
+
+"'Don't kill me,' he cries; 'I'll show you whar I plants the money.'
+
+"Whoever is that rhoomatic? Which he's the stoodent who stands up the
+stage over by Whetstone Springs. His rhoomatism's merely that
+malefactor's way of goin' onder cover.
+
+"The Professor later offers to divide with Boggs on the two
+thousand-dollar reward the Wells-Fargo folks pays, but Boggs shakes
+his head.
+
+"'You take the entire wad, Professor,' says he, wavin' aside that
+gen'rous necromancer. 'It's the trophy of your own hypnotic bow an'
+spear. What share is borne by my .45 is incidental. Which I'll say,
+too, that if I was playin' your hand I'd spread that cure on my
+posters as the star mir'cle of my c'reer.'"
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+THAT TURNER PERSON
+
+
+"Talk of your hooman storm-centers an' nacheral born hubs of grief,"
+observed the old cattleman, reminiscently; "I'm yere to back that
+Turner person ag'inst all competitors. Not but what once we're onto
+his angles, he sort o' oozes into our regyards. His baptismal name is
+'Lafe,' but he never does deerive no ben'fit tharfrom among us, him
+behavin' that eegregious from the jump, he's allers referred to as
+'that Turner person.'
+
+"As evincin' how swift flows the turbid currents of his destinies, he
+succeeds in focusin' the gen'ral gaze upon him before he's been in
+camp a day. Likewise, it's jest as well Missis Rucker herse'f ain't
+present none in person at the time, or mighty likely he'd have focused
+all the crockery on the table upon him, which you can bet your last
+_peso_ wouldn't have proved no desid'ratum. For while Missis Rucker
+ain't what I calls onusual peevish, for a lady to set thar quiet an'
+be p'inted to by some onlicensed boarder as a Borgia, that away, would
+be more'n female flesh an' blood can b'ar.
+
+"It's like this. The Turner person comes pushin' his way into the O.
+K. Restauraw along with the balance of the common herd, an' pulls a
+cha'r up ag'inst the viands with all the confidence of a oldest
+inhab'tant. After grinnin' up an' down the table as affable as a wet
+dog, he ropes onto a can of airtights, the same bein' peaches. He
+he'ps himse'f plenty copious an' starts to mowin' 'em away.
+
+"None of us is noticin' partic'lar, bein' engaged on our own hook
+reachin' for things, when of a sudden he cuts loose a screech which
+would have knocked a bobcat speechless.
+
+"'I'm p'isened!' he yells; 'I'm as good as dead right now!'
+
+"Followin' this yere fulm'nation, he takes to dancin' stiff-laiged,
+meanwhile clutchin' hold of the buckle on his belt.
+
+"Thar should be no dissentin' voice when I states that, at a crisis
+when some locoed maverick stampedes a entire dinin' room by allowin'
+he's been p'isened, prompt action should be took. Wharfore it excites
+no s'rprise when Jack Moore, to whom as kettle-tender for the
+Stranglers all cases of voylance is _ex officio_ put up, capchers the
+ghost-dancin' Turner person by the collar.
+
+"'Whatever's the meanin' of this midprandial excitement?' demands
+Jack. 'Which if these is your manners in a dinin' room, I'd shore
+admire to see you once in church.'
+
+"'I'm p'isened!' howls the Turner person, p'intin' at the airtights.
+'It's ptomaines! I'm a gone fawnskin! Ptomaines is a center shot!'
+
+"None of us holds Rucker overhigh, an' yet we jestifies that husband's
+action. Rucker's headin' in from the kitchen, bearin' aloft a platter
+of ham an' cabbage. He arrives in time to gather in the Turner
+person's bluff about 'ptomaines,' an' onderstands he's claimin' to be
+p'isened. Shore, Rucker don't know what ptomaines is, but what then?
+No more does the rest of us, onless it's Peets, an' he's over to
+Tucson. As I freequently remarks, the Doc is the best eddicated sharp
+in Arizona, an' even 'ptomaines' ain't got nothin' on him.
+
+"Rucker plants the platter of ham an' cabbage on the table, an'
+appeals 'round to us.
+
+"'Gents,' he says, 'am I to stand mootely by an' see this tavern, the
+best j'int ondoubted in Arizona, insulted?' An' with that he's down on
+the Turner person like a fallin' tree, whar that crazy-hoss
+individyooal stands jumpin' an' dancin' in the hands of Moore.
+
+"'What's these yere slanders,' shouts Rucker, 'you-all is levelin' at
+my wife's hotel? Yere we be, feedin' you on the fat of the land; an'
+the form your gratitoode takes is to go givin' it out broadcast you're
+p'isened! You pull your freight,' he concloodes, as he wrastles the
+dancin' Turner person to the door, 'an' if you-all ever shows your
+villifyin' nose inside this hostelry ag'in I'll fill you full of
+buckshot.'
+
+"To be shore, that crack about buckshot ain't nothin' more'n vain
+hyperbole, Rucker not possessin' the spunk of bull-snakes. The Turner
+person, however, lets him get away with it, an' submits tamely to be
+buffaloed, which of itse'f shows he ain't got the heart of a horned
+toad. The eepisode does Rucker a heap of good, though, an' he puffs up
+immoderate. Given any party he can buffalo, an' the way that
+weak-minded married man expands his chest, an' takes to struttin', is
+a caution to cock partridges. An' all the time, a jack-rabbit, of
+ordinary resolootion an' force of character, would make Rucker take to
+a tree or go into a hole.
+
+"Is the Turner person p'isened?
+
+"No more'n I be. Which it's simple that alarmist's heated imagination,
+aggravated by what deloosions is born of the nosepaint he gets in
+Red Dog before ever he makes his Wolfville deboo at all. Two hookers
+of Old Jordan from Black Jack renders him so plumb well he's
+reedic'lous.
+
+"Most likely you-all'd go thinkin' now that, havin' let sech a
+hooman failure as Rucker put it all over him, this Turner person'd lie
+dormant a spell, an' give his se'f-respect a chance to ketch its
+breath. Not him. It's no longer away than second drink time the same
+evenin' when he locks gratooitous horns with Black Jack. To this last
+embroglio thar is--an' could be--no deefense, Jack bein' so amiable
+that havin' trouble with him is like goin' to the floor with your
+own image in the glass. Which he's shorely a long sufferin'
+barkeep, Jack is. Mebby it's his genius for forbearance, that a-way,
+which loores this Turner person into attemptin' them outrages on his
+sens'bilities.
+
+"The Turner person stands at the bar, sloppin' out the legit'mate
+forty drops. With nothin' said or done to stir him up, he cocks his
+eye at Jack--for all the world like a crow peerin into a bottle--an'
+says,
+
+"'Which your feachers is displeasin' to me, an' I don't like your
+looks.'
+
+"Jack keeps on swabbin' off the bar for a spell, an' all as mild as
+the month of May.
+
+"'Is that remark to be took sarkastic?' he asks at last, 'or shall we
+call it nothin' more'n a brainless effort to be funny?'
+
+"'None whatever!' retorts the Turner person; 'that observation's made
+in a serious mood. Your countenance is ondoubted the facial failure of
+the age, an' I requests that you turn it the other way while I
+drinks.'
+
+"Not bein' otherwise engaged at the moment, an' havin' time at his
+command, Jack repairs from behind the bar, an' seizes the Turner
+person by the y'ear.
+
+"'An' this is the boasted hospital'ty of the West!' howls the Turner
+person, strugglin' to free himself from Jack, who's slowly but
+voloominously bootin' him towards the street.
+
+"It's Nell who tries to save him.
+
+"'Yere, you Jack!' she sings out, 'don't you-all go hurtin' that pore
+tenderfoot none.'
+
+"Nell's a shade too late, however; Jack's already booted him out.
+
+"Shore, Jack apologizes.
+
+"'Beg parding, Nellie,' he says; 'your least command beats four of a
+kind with me; but as to that ejected shorthorn, I has him all thrown
+out before ever you gets your stack down.'
+
+"The Turner person picks himse'f out of the dust, an', while he feels
+his frame for dislocations with one hand, feebly menaces at Black Jack
+with t'other.
+
+"'Some day, you rum-sellin' miscreent,' he says, 'you'll go too far
+with me.'
+
+"As showin' how little these vicisitoodes preys on this Turner person,
+it ain't ten minutes till he's hit the middle of Wolfville's principal
+causeway, roarin' at the top of his lungs,
+
+"'Cl'ar the path! I'm the grey wolf of the mountings, an' gen'ral
+desolation follows whar I leads!'
+
+"Yere he gives a prolonged howl.
+
+"The hardest citizen that ever belted on a gun couldn't kick up no
+sech row as that in Wolfville, an' last as long as a drink of whiskey.
+In half the swish of a coyote's tail, Jack Moore's got the Turner
+person corralled.
+
+"'This camp has put up with a heap from you,' says Moore, 'an' now we
+tries what rest an' reeflection will do.'
+
+"'I'm a wolf--!'
+
+"'We savvys all about you bein' a wolf. Also, I'm goin' to tie you to
+the windmill, as likely to exert a tamin' inflooence.'
+
+"Moore conveys the Turner person to the windmill, an' ropes his two
+hands to one of its laigs.
+
+"'Thar, Wolf,' he says, makin' shore the Turner person is fastened
+secoore, 'I shall leave you ontil, with every element of wildness
+abated, you-all begins to feel more like a domestic anamile.'
+
+"From whar we-all are standin' in front of the post office, we can
+see the Turner person roped to the windmill laig.
+
+"'What do you reckon's wrong with that party?' asks Enright, sort o'
+gen'ral like; 'I don't take it he's actchooally locoed none.'
+
+"Thar's half a dozen opinions on the p'int involved. Tutt su'gests
+that the Turner person's wits, not bein' cinched on any too tight by
+nacher in the beginnin', mebby slips their girths same as happens with
+a saddle. Cherokee inclines to a notion that whatever mental
+deeflections he betrays is born primar'ly of him stoppin' that week in
+Red Dog. Cherokee insists that sech a space in Red Dog shore ought to
+be s'fficient to give any sport, however firmly founded, a decisive
+slant.
+
+"As ag'inst both the others, Boggs holds to the view that the onusual
+fitfulness observ'ble in the Turner person arises from a change of
+licker, an' urges that the sudden shift from the beverages of Red Dog,
+which last is indoobitably no more an' no less than liquid loonacy, to
+the Red Lights Old Jordan, is bound to confer a twist upon the
+straightest intellectyooals.
+
+"'Which I knows a party,' says Boggs, 'who once immerses a ten-penny
+nail in a quart of Red Dog licker, an' at the end of the week he takes
+it out a corkscrew.'
+
+"'Go an' get him, Jack,' says Enright, p'intin' to the Turner person;
+'him bein' tied thar that a-way is an inhooman spectacle, an' if
+little Enright Peets should come teeterin' along an' see him, it'd
+have a tendency to harden the innocent child. Fetch him yere, an' let
+me question him.'
+
+"'Front up,' says Moore to the Turner person, when he's been conveyed
+before Enright; 'front up now, frank an' cheerful, an' answer
+questions. Also, omit all ref'rences to bein' a wolf. Which you've
+worn that topic thread-bar'; an' besides it ain't calc'lated to do you
+credit.'
+
+"'Whatever's the matter with you?' asks Enright, speakin' to the
+Turner person friendly like. 'Which I begins to think thar's somethin'
+wrong with your system. The way you go knockin' about offendin' folks,
+it won't be no time before every social circle in the Southwest'll be
+closed ag'inst you. Whatever's wrong?'
+
+"'Them's the first kind words,' ejacyoolates the Turner person,
+beginnin' to weep, 'which has been spoke to me in months. Which if
+you-all will ask me into yon s'loon, an' protect me from that murderer
+of a barkeep while I buys the drinks, I'll show you that I've been
+illyoosed to a degree whar I'm no longer reespons'ble for my deeds.
+It's a love affair,' he adds, gulpin' down a sob, 'an' I've been
+crooelly misonderstood.'
+
+"'A love affair,' repeats Enright plenty soft, for the mention of love
+never fails to hit our old warchief whar thar't a palin' off his
+fence. 'I ain't been what you-all'd call in love none since the Purple
+Blossom of Gingham Mountain marries Polly Hawkes over on the Painted
+Post. Polly was a beauty, with a arm like a canthook, an' at sech
+dulcet exercises as huggin' she's got b'ars left standin' sideways.
+However, that's back in Tennessee, an' many years ago.'
+
+"Enright, breshin' the drops from his eyes, herds the Turner person
+into the Red Light an' signals to Black Jack.
+
+"'Onfold,' he says; 'tell me as to that love affair wharin you gets
+cold-decked.'
+
+"Nell abandons her p'sition on the lookout stool, an' shows up
+interested an' intent at Enright's shoulder.
+
+"Ain't I in this?' she asks.
+
+"'Be thar any feachures,' says Enright to the Turner person,
+'calc'lated to offend the y'ears of innocence?'
+
+"'None whatever,' says the Turner person. 'Which I'm oncapable of
+shockin' the most fastid'yous.'
+
+"'Is thar time,' asks Nell of Enright, 'for me to round up Missis
+Rucker an' Tucson Jennie? Listenin' to love tales, that a-way, is duck
+soup to both of 'em.'
+
+"'You-all can tell 'em later, Nellie,' returns Enright. Then, to the
+Turner person, 'Roll your game, _amigo_, an' if you needs refreshment,
+yere it is.'
+
+"'It ain't no mighty reecital,' says the Turner person loogubriously,
+'an' yet it ought to go some distance, among fa'r-minded gents, in
+explainin' them vain elements of the weird an' ranikaboo which more or
+less enters into my recent conduct. I'm from Missouri; an' for a
+livelihood, an' to give the wolf a stand-off, I follows the profession
+of a fooneral director. My one weakness is my love for Peggy Parks,
+who lives with her folks out in the Sni-a-bar hills.
+
+"'The nuptual day is set, an' I goes hibernatin' off to Kansas City to
+fetch the license.'
+
+"'How old be you?' breaks in Enright.
+
+"'Me? I'm twenty-six the last Joone rise of the old Missouri. As I
+was sayin', I hitches my hoss in Market Squar', an' takes to
+reeconoiterin' along Battle Row, wonderin' wharever them licenses is
+for sale, anyway. Final, I discovers a se'f satisfied lookin' party,
+who's pattin' a dog. I goes to talkin' about the dog, an' allowin'
+I'm some on dogs myse'f, all by way of commencin' a conversation;
+an' winds up by askin' whar I go for to get a license. "Over thar,"
+says the dog party p'intin' across to a edifice he asshores me is a
+City Hall. "First floor, first door, an' the damage is a dollar."
+
+"'Thus steered, I goes streakin' it across, an' follows directions. I
+boards my dollar, an' demands action. The outcast who's dealin' the
+license game writes in my name, an' shoves the paper across. In a blur
+of bliss I files it away in my jeans, mounts my hoss, an' goes
+gambodin' back to Peggy, waitin' at ancestral Sni-a-bar.'
+
+"'Is your Peggy sweetheart pretty?' asks Nell.
+
+"'She's a lamp of loveliness! Sweet? Beetrees is gall an' wormwood to
+her.
+
+"'As to the weddin', it's settled Peggy an' me is to come flutterin'
+from our respective perches the next day. Doubtless we'd have done so,
+only them orange blossom rites strikes the onexpected an' goes
+glancin' off.
+
+"'It's the Campbellite preacher, who's been brought in to marry us,
+that starts it. The play's to be made at Peggy's paw's house, after
+which, for a weddin' trip, she an' me's to go wanderin' out torwards
+the Shawnee Mission, whar I've got some kin. The parson, when he has
+the entire outfit close-herded into the parlor, asks--bein' a car'ful
+old practitioner--to see the license. I turns it over, an' he takes it
+to the window to read. He gives that docyooment one look, an' then
+glowers at me personal mighty baleful. "Miserable wretch," says he,
+"do you-all want to get yourse'f tarred an' feathered?"
+
+"'In my confoosion I thinks this outbreak is part of the cer'mony,
+an' starts to say "I do!" Before I can edge in a word, however, he
+calls over Peggy's old man. "Read that!" he cries, holdin' the license
+onder old Pap Parks' nose. Old Parks reads, an' the next news I gets
+he's maulin' me with his hickory walkin' stick like he's beatin' a
+kyarpet.
+
+"'Without waitin' to kiss the bride or recover my license, I simply
+t'ars out the front of the house an' breaks for the woods. The next
+day, old Parks takes to huntin' me with hounds. Nacherally, at this
+proof of man's inhoomanity to man, I sneaks across into Kansas, an'
+makes for the settin' sun.'
+
+"'An' can't you give no guess,' says Enright, 'at why old Parks digs
+up the waraxe so plumb sudden?'
+
+"'No more'n rattlesnakes onborn, onless his inordinate glee at gettin'
+me for a son-in-law has done drove him off his head.'
+
+"'Which it couldn't be that,' says Enright, takin' a hard, thoughtful
+look at the Turner person. Then, followin' a pause, he adds, 'thar's
+some myst'ry yere!'
+
+"'Ain't you-all made no try,' asks Nell, 'sech as writin' letters, or
+some game sim'lar, to cl'ar things up?'
+
+"'You-all don't know Pap Parks, Miss, in all his curves. Why, it's
+lucky he ain't wearin' his old bowie at that weddin', or he'd a-split
+me into half apples. If I goes to writin' missives that a-way, he'll
+locate me; an' you can take my word that invet'rate old homicide 'd
+travel to the y'earth's eends to c'llect my skelp. That ain't goin' to
+do me; for, much as I love Peggy, I'd a heap sooner be single than
+dead.'
+
+"'That party ain't locoed,' says Texas, noddin' towards the Turner
+person, whar he sets sobbin' in a cha'r when Enright gets through
+examinin' him. 'He's simply a howlin' eediot. Yere he escapes wedlock
+by a mir'cle; an'--chains an' slavery!--now he can't think of no
+better way to employ his liberty than in cryin' his heart out because
+he's free. If I'm bitter, gents, it's because I speaks from hard
+experience. Considerin' how she later corrals that Laredo divorce an'
+sells up my cattle at public vandoo for costs an' al'mony, if when I
+troops to the altar with that lady whom I makes Missis Thompson, my
+gyardian angel had gone at me with a axe, that faithful sperit would
+have been doin' no more than its simple dooty in the premises.'
+
+"Enright takes it onto himself to squar' the Turner person at the Red
+Light an' the O. K. Restauraw; an', since his ensooin' conduct is much
+within decent bounds, except that Rucker steps some high an' mighty
+when he heaves in sight an' Black Jack gives him hard an' narrow
+looks, nothin' su'gestive of trouble occurs. In less'n a week he
+shakes down into his proper place, an' all as placid as a duck-pond.
+He's even a sort o' fav'rite with Nell, Missis Rucker an' Tucson
+Jennie, they claimin' that he's sufferin' from soul blight because of
+a lost love. Certainly, thar's nothin' in this yere fem'nine bluff,
+but of course none of us don't say so at the time.
+
+"Boggs holds that the Turner person's only a pecooliarly gifted liar,
+an' refooses to believe in him. 'Because it's prepost'rous,' says
+Boggs, 'that folks would go in to frame up a weddin', an' then, led by
+the preacher, take to mobbin' the bridegroom on the very threshold of
+them nuptials.'
+
+"'It ain't by no means shore, Dan,' says Texas, to whom Boggs imparts
+his convictions, 'but what you've drove the nail. Which if that Parks
+household reely has it in for this Turner person, they'd have let him
+go the route. Could even the revenge of a fiend ask more than simply
+seein' him a married man?'
+
+"In about a fortnight, that Turner person's got fully cooled out, an'
+the worst effects of what Red Dog licker he imbibes has disappeared.
+As he feels himse'f approachin' normal, as Peets puts it, he mentions
+to Enright casyooal like that, if the town sees nothin' ag'in it, he
+reckons he'll open an ondertakin' shop.
+
+"'Not,' he says, 'that I'm the man to go hintin' that what former
+foonerals has been pulled off in these yere parts ain't been all they
+should; but still, to get a meetropolitan effect, you oughter have a
+hearse an' ploomes. Let it be mine to provide them marks of a advanced
+civilization. It'll make villages like Red Dog an' Colton sing low,
+an' be a distinct advantage to a camp which is strugglin' for
+consid'ration. Yes, sir,' goes on the Turner person, warmin' with the
+theme, 'what's the public use of obsequies if you-all don't exhaust
+'em of every ounce of good? An' how can any outfit expect to do this,
+an' said outfit shy that greatest evidence of modern reefinement, a
+hearse? Given a rosewood coffin, an' a black hearse with ploomes--me
+on the box--an' the procession linin' solemnly out for Boot Hill, if
+we-all ain't the instant envy of the territory, you can peg me out by
+the nearest ant hill ontil I pleads guilty to bein' wrong.'
+
+"'Thar's no need for all this yere eloquence,' replies Enright,
+blandly. 'What you proposes has been a dream of mine for years. You
+open your game as fooneral director, an' if we can't find material for
+you local, we'll go rummagin' 'round as far as Lordsburg an' Silver
+City to supply the deficiency.'
+
+"Feelin' Enright is behind him, the Turner person goes to work with
+sech exyooberant enthoosiasm, that it ain't a month before he brings
+over his hearse from Tucson, said vehicle havin' been sent on from the
+East. She's shore no slouch for a catafalque neither, an' we p'rades
+up an' down the street with it, gettin' the effect.
+
+"Boggs voices the common feelin'.
+
+"'Thar's a conveyance,' says he, 'that comes mighty close to robbin'
+death of half its sting. Any sport is bound to cash in more content,
+when he savvys that his last appearance is bound to be a vict'ry an'
+he'll be freighted to the sepulcher in a swell wagon like that.'
+
+"'It is shore calc'lated to confer class on the deeparted,' assents
+Tutt.
+
+"These praises certainly exalts the sperits of the Turner person a
+whole lot. He buys the old Lady Gay dance hall, which, since the goin'
+out of the Votes for Women S'loon, has again become the ondispooted
+property of Armstrong, makes a double-door to back in the hearse, an'
+reopens that deefunct temple of drink an' merriment as a ondertakin'
+establishment. Over the front he hangs up his sign.
+
+                     COFFIN EMPORIUM.
+
+                     L. TURNER, FUNERAL DIRECTOR.
+
+                     CORPSES SOLICITED.
+
+"That sign so much uplifts the sperit of the town it mor'n doubles the
+day's receipts at the Red Light. Also, two or three shady characters
+vamooses for fear of what a nacheral public eagerness to see that
+hearse in action may do.
+
+"It's the day next on the hocks of the installation of the Turner
+person in business, an' the fooneral director is lookin' out of the
+front window of his coffin emporium wishin' some gent'd start
+somethin' with his gun an' mebby bump him off a load for his new
+hearse, when Enright eemerges from the post office with a iron look on
+his face. Peets is with him, an' the pa'r is holdin' a pow-wow.
+
+"The rest of us might have taken more notice, only our sombreros is
+fittin' some tight on account of the interest we evinces the day prior
+in he'pin' la'nch the Turner person that a-way. As it is, we bats a
+lackluster eye, an' wonders in a feeble way what's done corr'gated
+Enright's brow.
+
+"It don't go no further than wonder, however, ontil after a few
+moments talk with Nell, Enright sends across for the Turner person. As
+showin' how keenly sens'tive are the female faculties that a-way,
+Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie is canvassin' some infantile mal'dy of
+little Enright Peets in the front room of the O. K. House, an' same as
+if they smells the onyoosual in the air, they comes troopin' over to
+the Red Light to note what happens next.
+
+"'Young man,' says Enright, when the Turner person has been brought
+in, 'by way of starter, let me inquire, be you preepared to surrender
+your destinies, of which you're plumb onfitted to have charge, into
+disgusted albeit kindly hands?'
+
+"The Turner person, some oneasy at seein' Moore, who's carelessly
+toyin' with a lariat, edgin' 'round his way, allows in tremblin' tones
+he is.
+
+"'Thar be those,' goes on Enright, 'who with the best intentions in
+the world, has been explorin' the ins an' outs of your Sni-a-bar
+troubles, an' while the clouds is measur'ble lifted the fresh light
+shed on your concerns leaves you in a most imbecile sityooation. Which
+if I thought that little Enright Peets, not yet in techin' distance of
+his teens, hadn't got no more sense than you, much as I dotes upon
+that baby I'd shore vote for his deemise. However, proceedin' with the
+deal, thar's this to say: Nellie thar, writes to your Peggy
+sweetheart, while I opens negotiations with old man Parks. I plans to
+read you them replies, but after advisin' with the Doc, an' collectin'
+the views of Nell, it's deemed s'fficient to tell you what you're
+goin' to do, an' then head you fo'th to its accomplishment. Our
+conj'int findin's, the same bein' consented to by old Parks in
+writin', an' tearfully deesired by your Peggy sweetheart in what she
+commoonicates to Nellie, is that you proceed at once to Sni-a-bar, an'
+get them interrupted nuptials over. After which you'll be free to
+return yere with your bride, an' take up the hon'rable an' useful
+c'reer you've marked out. As the preesidin' officer of the Stranglers,
+my word is that you be ready to start by next stage; which, onless
+Monte gets so deep in licker that he tips that conveyance over a
+bluff, should permit you to clasp your Peggy to your bosom an' kiss
+the tears from her cheeks by the middle of next week.'
+
+"'But,' interjects the Turner person, his voice soundin' like the
+terrified bleatin' of a sheep, 'can't you-all give me no glimmer of
+what's wrong that time? I don't hanker overmuch to go back in darkened
+ignorance, like a lamb to the slaughter. What guarantee have I got
+that old Parks won't lay for me with that bootcher knife of his'n? It
+ain't fair to leave me to go knockin' about, in the midst of perils
+sech as these, like a blind dog in a meat shop.'
+
+"'Your Peggy,' returns Enright, 'encloses a letter to you by the hand
+of Nellie yere, which may or may not set fo'th what insults you
+perp'trates upon her fam'ly. Also, said missive furnishes the only
+chance at this end of the trail of you findin' out the len'th an'
+breadth of your ignorant iniquities. For myse'f, the thought of what
+you-all does that time is so infooriatin' I must refuse to go over it
+in words. Only, if in his first reesentments old Parks had burned you
+at the stake, I would not have condemned him. As to your safety
+pers'nal, you can regyard it as asshored. Your Peggy will protect you,
+an' your footure parent-in-law himse'f acquits you of everything
+except bein' an eediot. It's, however, got down to whether he preefers
+to have a fool in his fam'ly or see his darter wretched for life, an'
+he's done nerved himse'f to take the fool.'
+
+"'Thar's your sweetheart's letter,' an' Nell puts an envelope which
+smells of voylets into the Turner person's hands.
+
+"That ondertaker reads it; an' after bein' confoosed by shame for a
+moment, he begins to cheer up.
+
+"'Folks,' he says, kissin' his Peggy's letter an' stowin' it away in
+his coat, 'I trusts a gen'rous public will permit me, after thankin'
+them whose kindness has smoothed out the kinks in my affairs, to close
+the incident with onlimited drinks for the camp.' That's all he says;
+an' neither can we dig anything further out of Enright or Nell.
+
+"We sees the Turner person aboard the stage, an' wishes him all kinds
+of luck. As Monte straightens out the reins over his six hosses an'
+cleans the lash of his whip through his fingers, Peets vouchsafes a
+partin' word.
+
+"'Neither I nor Sam,' says Peets, 'wants you to go away thinkin' that
+you an' your bride ain't goin' to be as welcome as roses when you an'
+she comes ramblin' in as one on your return.'
+
+"'That's whatever,' coincides Nell.
+
+"'Also,' breaks in Enright, 'should old Parks go to stampin' the sod
+or shakin' his horns, you-all are to put up with them deemonstrations
+an' not make no aggrevatin' reemarks. No one knows better than you by
+now, how much cause you gives that proud old gent to feel harrowed.'
+
+[Illustration: WE SEES THE TURNER PERSON ABOARD AN' WISHES HIM ALL KINDS
+OF LUCK. p. 222.]
+
+"Of course all of us is preyed on by anxiety to know whatever awful
+thing it is the Turner person does. In the end it's Missis Rucker who
+smokes Enright out.
+
+"'Sam Enright,' says this yere intrepid lady, her manner plenty
+darklin', 'you mustn't forget that whenever the impulse moves me I can
+shet down utter on your grub. Likewise, as a lady, I not only knows my
+p'sition, but keenly feels my rights. Which I don't aim to coerce you,
+but onless you comes through with the trooth about this yere Turner
+person's felonies, some drastic steps is on their way.'
+
+"'You will see, Missis Rucker,' says Enright, who's to be excoosed for
+turnin' a bit white, 'that no present reason exists for threatenin' me
+when I asshores you that as far back as last evenin' I fully decides
+to lay bar' everything. I do this, onderstand, not through fear; but
+lest some folks go surmisin' round to the inj'ry of the innocent. As I
+recollects back, too, I can see how the Turner person slumps into that
+mistake, him first talkin' dog to that canine party in Battle Row,
+an' then askin' whar does he go for the weddin' license.'
+
+"'Sam Enright,' interrupts Missis Rucker, whose flashin' eyes shows
+she's growin' hysterical, 'don't harass me with no p'intless speeches.
+You say flat what it is he does, or take the consequences.'
+
+"'Why, my dear Missis Rucker,' an' Enright makes haste with his reply,
+'the thing is easily grasped. The paper he gives the preacher sharp is
+a dog license. Which that Turner person is seekin' to wed the belle of
+Sni-a-bar on a permit to keep a dog! The canine party he meets in
+Battle Row misonderstands a sityooation.'
+
+"'All the same,' observes Texas to Boggs, as the two meets that
+evenin' in the Noo York store, 'thar's one feachure to a dog license,
+not perceivable in a marriage license, which is worth gold an'
+precious stones. Said docyooment runs out in a year.'"
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+RED MIKE
+
+
+"Mebby you-all recalls about that Polish artist person?" suggested the
+old cattleman, tentatively; "him I speaks of former?" My gray old
+_campanero_ was measuring out what he called his "forty drops," and,
+since this ceremony necessitated keeping one eye on his glass, while
+he endeavored to keep the other eye on me, the contradictory effort
+resulted in a wavering and uncertain expression, not at all in harmony
+with his usual positive air. By way of helping conversation, I
+confessed to a clear remembrance of the "Polish artist person," and
+wound up by urging him to give the particulars concerning that
+interesting exile.
+
+"Well," he cautiously returned, "thar ain't nothin' so mighty
+thrillin' in his Wolfville c'reer. You see he ain't, for the most, no
+pop'lar figure--him bein' a furriner, that a-way, an' a artist, an'
+sufferin' besides from conceit in so acoote a form as to make it no
+exaggeration to say he's locoed. On account of these yere divers an'
+sundry handicaps, he don't achieve no social success, an' while he's
+with us, you'd hardly call him of us.
+
+"Not that I objects to this deescendant of Warsaw's last champion,
+personal. Which I'm a heap like Enright in sech reespects, an'
+shore tol'rant. I finds out long ago that the reason we-all goes
+fault-findin' about people, mostly is because we don't onderstand
+concernin' them folk's surroundin's. Half the things we arches our
+necks over, an' for which mebby we feels like killin' 'em a whole
+lot, they can't he'p none. If we only savvys what they're reely up
+ag'inst, it's four for one we pities 'em instead.
+
+"It's like one time 'way back yonder, when me an' Steve Stevenson has
+a sudden an' abrupt diffukulty with a buffalo bull. We're camped out
+on the edge of the Rockies near the Spanish Peaks, an' me an' Steve,
+in the course of a little _passear_ we're takin', is jest roundin' a
+bunch of plum bushes when, as onexpected as a gun play in a Bible
+class, that devil's son an' heir of a bull--who's been hid by the
+bushes--ups an charges. Which you should have seen me an' Steve
+scatter! We certainly do onbuckle in some hasty moves! He's bigger 'n
+a baggage wagon, an' as we leaves our guns ten rods away in camp,
+thar's nothin' for it but to dig out.
+
+"Nigh whar I'm at is a measley _pinon_ tree, an' the way I swarms
+aloft among that vegetable's boughs an' branches comes mighty clost to
+bein' a lesson to mountain lions. Steve, who's the onluckiest sport
+west of the Missouri, an' famed as sech, ain't got no tree. The best
+he can do is go divin' into a hole he sees in some rocks, same as if
+he's a jack-rabbit with a coyote in hot pursoote.
+
+"Me an' Steve both bein' safe, an' reegyardin' that bull as baffled, I
+draws a breath of relief. That is, to be ackerate, I starts to draw
+it; but before I so much as gets it started, yere that inordinate
+Steve comes b'ilin' out of his hole ag'in like he ain't plumb
+satisfied about that bull. The bull's done give him up, too, an'
+switchin' his tail some thoughtful has started to go away, when, as I
+tells you, that fool Steve comes surgin' out upon his reetreatin'
+hocks.
+
+"Nacherally, what could any se'f-respectin' bull do but wheel an'
+chase Steve back? It's no use, though; Steve won't have it. No sooner
+does the bull get him hived that a-way, an' make ready to reetire to
+private life ag'in, than, bing! yere Steve comes bulgin' like a cork
+out of a bottle. An' so it continyoos, a reg'lar see-saw between Steve
+an' the bull. Steve'll go into his cave of refooge, prairie-dog
+fashion, a foot ahead of the bull's horns, only to be a foot behind
+the bull's tail as that painstakin' anamile is arrangin' to deepart.
+
+"Which sech wretched strategy arouses my contempt.
+
+"'You dad-binged Siwash,' I yells down at Steve, 'whyever don't
+you-all stay in that hole, ontil the bull forgets whar you're at?'
+
+"'Go on!' Steve shouts back, as in he dives, head-first, for mebby
+it's the twentieth time; 'it's as simple as suckin' aiggs, ain't it,
+for you up in your tree? You-all don't know nothin' about this hole;
+thar's a b'ar in this hole!'
+
+"Which I allers remembers about that dilemmy of Steve's. An' now, when
+I beholds a gent makin' some rannikaboo break, an' everybody's
+scoffin' at him an' deenouncin' him for a loonatic or worse, I
+reeflects that mighty likely if we-all was to go examine the hole he's
+in, we'd find it plumb full of b'ar.
+
+"Returnin' to the orig'nal proposition, the same bein' that Polack,
+let me begin by sayin' that whenever it comes to any utterances of
+his'n, I'm nacherally onable to quote him exact. What with him rollin'
+his 'Rs' ontil they sounds like one of them snare drums, an' the
+jiggerty-jerkety fashion wharin he chops up his English, a gent might
+as soon try to quote a planin' mill exact.
+
+"That I'm able to give you-all his troo name is doo wholly to him
+passin' round his kyard a heap profoose, when he first comes ramblin'
+in, said cognomen as printed bein' 'Orloff Ivan Mitzkowanski, Artist
+and Painter of Portraits.' We perooses this yere fulm'nation two or
+three times, an' Peets even reads it out loud; but since the tongue of
+no ordinary gent is capable of ropin' an' throwin' it, to say nothin'
+of tyin' it down, we cuts the gordian knot in the usual way by
+re-christenin' him _pro bono publico_ as Red Mike, which places him
+within the verbal reach of all.
+
+"'Yes,' he says, as he ladles out them kyards, an' all with the
+manner of a prince conferrin' favors--'yes, I'm a artist come to you,
+seekin' subjects an' color. As you probably observes by my name, I'm a
+gallant Pole, one whose noble ancestors shrieks when Kosciusko fell.'
+
+"Him bein' a stranger that a-way, an' no one, onless it's Peets, ever
+havin' heard about Poland, or Kosciusko, or whoever does that
+shriekin' the time when Kosciusko finds himse'f bumped off, we lets
+Mike get by with this yere bluff. Besides, his name of itse'f sort o'
+holds us. That anyone, an' specially any furriner, could come as far
+as he has, flauntin' a name like that in the sensitive face of
+mankind, an' yet live to tell the tale, is shore plenty preepar'tory
+to believin' anything.
+
+"When we lets it go that owin' to local conditions we'll be obleeged
+to call him 'Red Mike,' he's agree'ble.
+
+"'As you will, my friends,' he cries, bulgin' out his breast an'
+thumpin' it. 'What care I, who am destined for immortality, that
+barbarians should hail me as Red Mike? It is enough that I am not
+destroyed, enough that I still move an' have my bein'!'
+
+"'Mike,' interjecks Tutt, bristlin' a little, 'don't cut loose in no
+offensive flights. It's a heap onadvisable when addressin' us to
+overwork that word "barbarian." As you says yourself, you're lucky to
+be alive; which, bein' conceded, it'd be plenty proodent on your part
+not to go doin' nothin' to change your luck.'
+
+"'Steady thar, Dave,' says Enright, 'don't go exhibitin' your teeth to
+a pore benighted furriner, an' him not onto our curves.'
+
+"'Him bein' a furriner,' retorts Tutt, 'is but a added argyooment in
+favor of him takin' heed. Speakin' for myse'f, I in partic'lar don't
+want no furriner to step on my tail an' stand thar, same as if my
+feelin's ain't goin' to count.'
+
+"'Be composed, my friend,' says Mike, tryin' to follow Enright out an'
+squar' himse'f with Tutt--'be composed. I reetract the "barbarians"
+an' suggest a drink.'
+
+"'That's all right, Mike,' returns Tutt, who's easy mollified; 'still
+I onreservedly says ag'in that in Arizona thar's nothin' in becomin'
+too difoose. All that this time lets you out, Mike, is that havin'
+jest had our feed we're happ'ly lethargic. Which if you'd let fly
+that crack about barbarians, an' us not fed none, some gent not
+otherwise employed 'd have seized upon you as a mop-rag wharwith to
+wipe up the floor.'
+
+"Thar's allers a dispoote as to whether or no Mike reely commits
+sooicide that time. Tutt an' Texas holds to the last that his light
+gettin' blowed out like it does is accidental. Peets, however, insists
+it's a shore-enough sooicide. Of course, Boggs goes with Peets.
+Whatever's the question at bay, Boggs never fails to string his play
+with the Doc's; it's Boggs's system. All you has to do to get a rise
+out o' Boggs is get some opinion out o' Peets. Once the Doc declar's
+himse'f, Boggs is right thar to back said declaration for his last
+dollar every time.
+
+"As sustainin' his claim of sooicide, Peets p'ints out that thar's no
+gent, not a howlin' eediot complete, but knows s'fficient of giant
+powder to be dead on to how it's cap'ble of bein' fired by friction.
+
+"'Why,' he says, eloocidatin' his p'sition, 'even darkened savages is
+posted as to that. I once sees a South Sea Islander, in a moose-yum
+East, who sets a bunch of shavin's in a blaze by rubbin' together two
+sticks. An' this yere Mike is a eddycated sharp, eddicated at a Dutch
+outfit called Heidelberg. Do you-all reckon a gradyooate of sech a
+sem'nary ever walks out on a cold collar, him not wise, an' performs
+in the numbskull fashions as this yere Mike?'
+
+"'That's whatever!' chimes in Boggs.
+
+"As I tells you, any emphatic idee laid down by Peets instantly sets
+Boggs to strikin' same as one of them cuckoo clocks.
+
+"Enright?
+
+"The old silver tip stands nootral, not sidin' with either Peets an'
+Boggs or Tutt an' Texas.
+
+"'Which this yere Mike bein' shore dead,' says Enright, 'strikes me as
+s'fficient. I plants my moccasins on that, an' don't go pirootin' an'
+projectin' about for no s'lootions which may or may not leave me out
+on a limb.'
+
+"You recalls how it's Monte who, while gettin' drunk with him over to
+the Oriental S'loon in Tucson, deloodes Mike into p'intin' our way.
+Also, what Enright says to that deboshed stage driver for so doin'.
+Enright's shore fervent on that occasion, an' the language he uses
+would have killed two acres of grass. But that don't he'p none. After
+the dust Enright paws up has settled, thar's Mike still, all quiled up
+in the Wolfville lap.
+
+"Thar's a worse feachure, the same bein' Mike's wife. She's as young,
+an' mighty nigh as lovely, too, as Nell; only she's blind, this yere
+Mike's girl wife is, blind as any midnight mole. Besides her, an' a
+armful of paint breshes an' pictures, about all Mike's got in the way
+of plunder is a ten-dollar bill. If it's only Mike, we-all might have
+thickened our hides a heap, an' let him go jumpin' sideways for his
+daily grub, same as other folks. But girls must be fed, speshully
+blind ones.
+
+"Which this egreegious Mike, who calls her his 'little Joolie,' allows
+her bein' blind that a-way is why he marries her.
+
+"'It inshores her innocence,' he says; 'because it inshores her
+ignorance of the world.'
+
+"'Likewise,' remarks Peets, as we stands discussin' this yere
+reasonin' of Mike's in the Red Light, 'it inshores her ignorance of
+them onmitigated pictures he paints. Which if ever she was just to get
+one good look at 'em, he couldn't hold her with a Spanish bit. But
+you-all knows how it is, Sam?'--Yere Peets clinks his glass, an' all
+mighty sagacious, ag'inst Enright's--'The wind is tempered to the
+shorn lamb. On the whole, I ain't none convinced that her bein' blind,
+that a-way, ain't for the best.'
+
+"To look at this little Joolie, you-all'd never know she can't see
+none. Her eyes is big an' soft an' deep, an nothin' queer about 'em
+except they has a half-blurred, baby look. Peets allows it's the nerve
+bein' dead which does it. But blind or not, little Joolie shore dotes
+on that Red Mike husband of hers, as though he's made of love an'
+gold. Which he's her heaven!
+
+"While it's evident, after a ca'm an' onbiased consideration of
+his works, that from standp'ints of art this yere Mike's about
+sign-painter size, little Joolie regyards him as the top-sawyer
+genius of this or any other age.
+
+"'He'll revolutionize the world of art,' she declar's to Nell, who's
+mighty constant about goin' to see her; 'Ivan'--she pronounces it
+'Vahn'--'is ondoubted destined to become the founder of a noo
+school.'
+
+"'An' her face,' goes on Nellie, as she tells us about it over to the
+O. K. Restauraw one evenin', after Mike an' his little Joolie wife's
+done pulled their freight for the night--'an' her face glows with the
+faith of a angel! So if any of you-all boys finds occasion to speak of
+this yere Mike in her presence, you be shore an' sw'ar that, as an
+artist, he's got nacher backed plumb off the lay-out.'
+
+"'The wretch who fails,' adds Missis Rucker, plenty fierce, 'don't
+wrastle his hash with me no more! You can gamble that marplot has
+tackled his final plateful of slapjacks at the O. K. House, an' this
+yere's notice to that effect.'
+
+"It's a cinch, of course, that none of us is that obtoose as to go
+sayin' anything to pain this yere blind little Joolie; at the same
+time no one regyards it as feas'ble to resent them threats of Missis
+Rucker! She's a mighty sperited matron, Missis Rucker is, sperited to
+the verge of bein' vindictive, an' rubbin' her fur the wrong way is
+the same as rubbin' a bobcat's fur the wrong way. As a exercise thar's
+nothin' in it. Besides, we're plumb used to it, owin' to her
+threatenin' us about one thing or another constant. Menaces, that
+a-way, is Missis Rucker's style.
+
+"Mike an' his Joolie wife don't live at the O. K. House, but only gets
+their chuck thar. He allows that to do jestice to his art he's got to
+have what he calls a 'no'th light,' an' so he goes meanderin' out on
+the no'th side of town, an' jumps a empty shack.
+
+"Driv by a lack of money, mighty likely, Mike ain't in camp a week
+before he makes it plenty plain that, onless he's headed off or
+killed, he's goin' to paint Enright a whole lot. As a preelim'nary he
+loores a passel of us over to his wickeyup to show us samples.
+
+"'That's my chef dever,' he says, bringin' for'ard a smudgy lookin'
+canvas, plastered all over with reds an' browns.
+
+"We-all takes a slant at it, maintainin' ourselves meanwhile as grave
+as a passel of owls. An' at that the most hawk-eyed in the outfit
+can't make it look like nothin'. We-all hangs back in the straps, an'
+waits for Peets to take the lead. For thar is the pretty little blind
+Joolie wife, all y'ears an' lovin' int'rest, an' after what Nell an'
+Missis Rucker has done said the gent who lacerates her feelin's is
+lost. In sech a pinch Peets is our guidin' light.
+
+"'Massive!' says Peets, after a pause.
+
+"'Which she's shore a heap massive!' we murmurs, followin' Peets'
+smoke.
+
+"'An' sech atmosphere!' Peets goes on.
+
+"'Atmosphere to give away!' we echoes.
+
+"At these yere encomiyums the pore pleased face of little Joolie is
+beamin' like the sun. As for Mike, he assoomes a easy attitoode, same
+as though compliments means nothin' to him.
+
+"'What's the subject?' Peets asks.
+
+"'That, my friend, is the _Linden in October_,' returns Mike, as
+though he's showin' us a picture of heaven's front gate. 'Yes, the
+_Linden in October_.'
+
+"'Which if this yere Pole,' whispers Texas to Cherokee, 'is able to
+make anything out of that smear, he can shore see more things without
+the aid of licker than any sport that ever spreads his blankets in
+Cochise County.'
+
+"Texas is a heap careful not to let either Mike or the little Joolie
+girl ketch on to what he says.
+
+"Also, it's worth recallin' that Mike an' the little Joolie is the
+only wedded pa'r, of which the Southwest preeserved a record, that
+don't bring bilious recollections to Texas of his former Laredo wife.
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT'S THE SUBJECT?" PEETS ASKS. "THAT, MY FRIEND, IS THE
+'LINDEN IN OCTOBER,'" RETURNS MIKE, AS THOUGH HE'S A SHOWIN' US A PICTURE
+OF HEAVEN'S FRONT GATE. p. 238.]
+
+"'Not but what thar's a wrong thar, Doc,' he insists, the time Peets
+mentions it; 'not but what this yere Red Mike-Joolie sityooation
+harbors a wrong. Only it's onavailable to 'llustrate the illyoosage I
+suffers at the hands of my Laredo wife.'
+
+"After the _Linden_ Mike totes out mebby it's a dozen other smeary
+squar's of canvas. We goes over 'em one by one, cockin' our eyes an'
+turnin' our heads first one way an' then another, like a bloo jay
+peerin' into a knothole. When Peets lets drive something about 'sky
+effects,' an' 'fore-grounds,' an' 'middle-distance,' we stacks in all
+sim'lar. Thar's nothin' to it; Mike an' the little Joolie girl puts in
+a mighty pleasant hour.
+
+"Mike, feelin' hospit'ble, an' replyin' to a thirsty look which Jack
+Moore sort o' sheds about the room, reegrets he ain't got no whiskey.
+
+"'My little Joolie objectin',' he explains.
+
+"'Oh, well,' speaks up Peets, who's plumb eager to bring them art
+studies to a wind-up, 'when thar's famine in Canaan thar's corn in
+Egypt. S'ppose we-all goes romancin' over to the Red Light an' licker
+up. Thar's nothin' like nosepaint, took internal, for bringin' out a
+picture's convincin' p'ints.'
+
+"'Right you be, Doc,' says Moore. 'It's only last week, when I myse'f
+cuts the trail of Monte, who, as the froote of merely the seventh
+drink, is sheddin' scaldin' tears over a three-sheet poster stuck onto
+the corral gate. This yere stampede in color deepicts the death of
+"Little Eva," as preesented in the _Uncle Tom_ show ragin' over to the
+Bird Cage Op'ry House. Monte allows it's one of the most movin' things
+he's ever met up with, an' protests between sobs ag'inst takin' out
+the stage that day for its reg'lar trip. "Which it's a hour for
+mournin'," he groans; an' he's shore shocked when the company insists.
+As he throws free the brake he shakes the tears from his eyes, an'
+says, "These yere corp'rations ain't got no heart!"'
+
+"If thar's ever any chance of Enright bein' that weak the sight of
+them smudges an' smears settles it, an' while we stands shovin' the
+Old Jordan along the Red Light bar, he allows to Mike that on the
+whole he don't reckon he'll have himse'f painted none. Rememberin',
+however, that it's a ground-hawg case with Mike, who needs the money,
+Enright gives him a commission to paint Monte.
+
+"'Him bein' a histor'cal character, that a-way,' says Enright.
+
+"Monte is over in Tucson, but you should have heard that drunkard's
+language when he's told.
+
+"'Whatever be you-all tryin' to do to me, Sam?' he wails. 'Ain't a
+workin' man got no rights? Yere be I, the only gent in camp who has
+actchooal dooties to perform, an' a plot is set afoot behind my back
+to make me infamous!'
+
+"'It's to go over the Red Light bar,' explains Enright, 'to be a
+horr'ble example for folks with a tendency to over-drink. As for you
+yellin' like a pig onder a gate, who is it, I asks, that beguiles this
+indigent artist party into camp, an' leaves him on our hands? Bein'
+he's yere, I takes it that even your whiskey-drowned intell'gence
+ree'lizes that this yere Mike, an' speshully the little blind Joolie,
+has got to be fed.'
+
+"'Well, gents,' returns Monte, gulpin' down his grief with his
+nosepaint, 'I reckons if it's your little game to use me as a
+healthful moral inflooence, I'd lose out to go puttin' up a roar. All
+the same, as sufferer in chief, I'm entitled to be more consulted by
+you uplifters before ever you arranges to perpetchooate me to
+poster'ty as a common jeer.'
+
+"Shore; these yere protests of Monte's ain't more'n half on the level.
+After a fashion, he's plenty pleased.
+
+"'For,' he says, confidin' in Black Jack over his licker, 'it ain't
+every longhorn of a stage driver whose picture is took by one of these
+yere gifted Yooropeans.'
+
+"Black Jack agrees to this in full, for he's a good-hearted barkeep,
+that a-way.
+
+"In doo time the picture's hung up back of the Red Light bar.
+Regyarded as a portrait it's shore some desp'rate, an' even Enright
+sort o' half reepents. Monte, after studyin' it a while, begins to get
+sore in earnest. Them scales, like the scriptoors say, certainly do
+fall from his eyes.
+
+"'Jack,' he says, appealin' to Moore, who happens to be present, 'does
+that thing look like me?'
+
+"'Why, yes,' Jack replies, squintin' his left eye a heap critical; 'to
+be shore it flatters you some, but then them artists gen'rally does.'
+
+"'Jack, if I'm that feeble as to go believin' what you says, I'd borry
+a shotgun from the express company and blow off the top of my head.
+That ain't the portrait of no hooman bein"--an' Monte raises a
+dispa'rin' hand at the picture; 'it's a croode preesentation of some
+onnacheral cross between a coyote and a cowskin trunk.'
+
+"Cherokee gets up from behind his lay-out, an' strolls over so's to
+get a line on the picture. He takes a long an' disparagin' survey.
+
+"'It ain't that I'm incitin' you to voylence, Monte,' he remarks
+final, 'but if you owes a dooty to s'ciety, don't forget that you owes
+also a dooty to yourse'f. You'll be lackin' in se'f-respect if you
+don't give Sam Enright two weeks to take that outrage down, an' if it
+ain't removed by then you'll bust it.'
+
+"Black Jack is ag'in the picture, too.
+
+"'Not,' he says, 'that I wants to put the smother on it entire; only I
+figger it'd look better in the post office, folks not makin' it so
+much of a hangout. Regyarded commercial, it's a setback to the Red
+Light. Some gent comes trackin' up intent on drinks, an' feelin' gala.
+After one glance at Monte up thar it's all off. That reveller's
+changed his mind, an' staggers out into the open ag'in without a word.
+The joint is daily knocked for about the price of a stack of bloos, as
+the direct result of that work of art. Which I'd as soon have a gila
+monster in the winder.'
+
+"Mike ain't present none when all this yere flattery is flyin'. If he
+was thar in person nothin' would have been said. Whoever'd be that
+hardened as to go harrowin' up the sens'tive soul of a artist, even if
+his work don't grade as corn-fed?
+
+"Some later tribyoote to his talents, however, reaches the y'ears of
+Mike. On the back of Black Jack's protests the Lightnin' Bug, who's
+come over from Red Dog for a little visit, drifts in. When he sees
+Monte's portrait his eyes lights up like a honka-tonk on Saturday
+night.
+
+"'Rattlesnakes an' stingin' lizards!' he cries; 'which I'm a Mexican
+if you-all ain't gone an' got him painted! However do you-all manage?
+I remembers when we captures him it's the last spring round-up but
+one. Two weeks goes by before ever we gets him so he'll w'ar clothes!
+An' even then we-all has to blindfold him an' back him in!'
+
+"'Whoever do you reckon that is, Bug?' asks Black Jack.
+
+"'It's that locoed Digger Injun, ain't it?' says the Bug; 'him we
+corrals, that time, livin' on ants an' crickets, an' roots an' yarbs,
+over in Potato canyon?'
+
+"'It's Monte.'
+
+"'Monte! Does anybody get killed about it?'
+
+"Black Jack mentions Mike as the artist.
+
+"'What, that Dutch galoot with the long ha'r?' says the Bug.
+
+"'Which he's a Pole.'
+
+"'Pole or Dutchman, what's the odds? I sees a party back in Looeyville
+whose ha'r's most as long as his. We entices him to a barber shop on a
+bet to have it cut, an' I'm ag'in the union if four flyin' squirrels
+don't come scootin' out. They've been nestin' in it.'
+
+"The Bug swings lightly into the saddle after a while, an' goes
+clatterin' back to Red Dog. No notice would have been took of what he
+says, only Monte, who hears it from Black Jack, is that malev'lent he
+goes an' tells Mike.
+
+"'You-all will make trouble between 'em, Monte,' Nell reemonstrates,
+when Monte's braggin' in his besotted way about what he's done.
+
+"'That's all right, Nellie. Both of 'em's been insultin' me; Mike by
+paintin' me so I'm a holy show, an' the Bug by lettin' on to take me
+for a Digger buck. S'ppose the Bug downs Mike, or Mike does up the
+Bug? Either way it's oats in your uncle Monte's feed box. That's me,
+Nellie; that's your old uncle Monte every time! Which, when it comes
+to cold intrigue, that a-way, I'm the swiftest sport in our set.'
+
+"On hearin' about the Bug from Monte Mike gets plenty intemp'rate. He
+goes plumb in the air, an' stays thar. He gives it out that he's goin'
+to prance over to Red Dog an' lay for the Bug. Nothin' but blood is
+goin' to do him.
+
+"Thar's nothin' we can say or do to stop Mike, so after talkin' it
+over a spell we deecides to throw him loose, Enright first sendin'
+word that he's harmless, an' not to be bumped off.
+
+"Upon receivin' Enright's word the Red Dog chief passes on a warnin'
+to the Bug. Mike mustn't, onder no circumstances, be killed. Bein'
+he's a artist he's not reespons'ble.
+
+"'Me kill him!' cries the Bug, who's scandalized at the idee; 'me take
+a gun to sech a insect! Gents, I've too much reespect for them good
+old faithful .45's of mine to play it as low down on 'em as all
+that.'
+
+"Which there leeniencies I allers feels is on account of the little
+Joolie, an' the blind love she entertains for Mike. When the worst
+does come we carefully conceals from her the troo details, an' insists
+that the powder house goes off by itse'f.
+
+"Then Nell, with Tucson Jennie and Missis Rucker to back her, carries
+the little Joolie girl the news. It's shore tough papers; an' Missis
+Rucker an' Tucson Jennie is kept racin' an' runnin' an' riotin'
+between the O. K. House an' Mike's wickeyup, freightin' over camphor
+an' sim'lar reestor'tives to the little Joolie all night long, while
+Nellie holds her head.
+
+"Does Mike's kickin' the bucket leave the little Joolie broke? It's
+this a-way: You see we-all chips in, an' makes up a fa'rly moderate
+pile to buy the _Linden in October_.
+
+"'It's to remember your gifted husband by,' explains Enright, as him
+an' Peets an' Boggs goes over to clink down the gold, an' get the
+_Linden_. 'This yere transcendent spec'men shall never leave our
+hands.'
+
+"'Not while we live!' declar's Peets.
+
+"'It's a marv'lous picture!' returns the little Joolie girl, proud and
+tearful both at once.
+
+"'Marv'lous!' repeats Peets; 'it's got the _Angelus_ beat four ways
+from the Jack.'
+
+"'Which I should remark!' puts in Boggs. 'Why, Doc, this yere _Linden_
+of ours shore makes that _Angelus_ thing look like an old beer
+stamp.'
+
+"These yere outpourin's of onreestricted admiration shore does set the
+little Joolie to smilin' through her tears. Also, the bankroll they
+brings her sends her back to her folks in style.
+
+"So you don't regyard it as the proper caper to go deceivin' the
+little Joolie girl? That's preecisely the p'sition a Bible sharp over
+in Tucson takes, when some party's mentionin' the business.
+
+"'You go tell that doubtin' Thomas of a sky-pilot,' says Peets, on
+hearin' about it, 'that he can bet a ton of Watts' hymn books on it.
+You-all say, too, for his pulpit guidance, that what looks like
+deceit, that a-way, is often simple del'cacy, while Christian charity
+freequent w'ars the face of fraud.'
+
+"But I'm gettin' ahead of the wagons. Mike, who's a heap heated, goes
+lookin' for the Bug in the Tub of Blood S'loon. The Bug don't happen
+to be vis'ble no whar in the scen'ry when Mike comes clatterin' in. By
+way of a enterin' wedge Mike subscribes for a drink. As the Tub
+barkeep goes settin' out the glasses Mike, with his custom'ry gifts
+for gettin' himse'f in wrong, starts fomentin' trouble. An' at that
+it's simply his ignorance, an' a conceited deesire to show off among
+them Red Dogs.
+
+"As the Tub barkeep slams down the crockery Mike barks up sort o'
+sharp an' peevish:
+
+"'The ice! Ain't you people got no ice?'
+
+"The Tub barkeep takes a sour squinch-owl look at Mike. Then he goes
+softly swabbin' off the counter.
+
+"After a while he looks up an' says:
+
+"'Which you don't notice no swirlin' drifts of snow outside, do you?
+You ain't been swallowed up in no blizzard, be you, comin' into town?
+No, my stilted, stiff-laigged sheep of the mountain, we ain't got no
+ice.'
+
+"Mike, feelin' some buffaloed by the barkeep's manner, don't say no
+more. In silence he drinks his licker, an' then sets down at a table.
+
+"The barkeep, with the tail of his eye, continyoos to look him over.
+
+"'Whatever do you make of that crazy maverick,' he asks of a
+freighter, who's jest rolled in from Lordsburg. 'The idee of him
+askin' for ice in August!'
+
+"'Mebby he's the ha'r-brained party they sends word about from
+Wolfville,' the freighter replies--'him who's out to crawl the Bug's
+hump a whole lot?'
+
+"'That's the identical persimmon!' exclaims the barkeep, slammin' his
+hand on the counter. 'Which I ought to have knowed it without bein'
+told. I wonder if Peets, or some of them other Wolfville sports, puts
+him up to come bully-raggin' round yere about ice to insult us?'
+
+"The freighter allows he'll edge into a pow-wow with Mike, an' feel
+him out.
+
+"Planted at the same table, the freighter an' Mike is soon as thick as
+thieves. They're gettin' along like two pups in a basket, when in
+comes a disturbin' element in the shape of one of them half-hoss
+half-alligator felons, whose distinguishin' characteristic is that
+they're allers grouchy an' hostile. That's the drawback to Red Dog. It
+certainly is the home camp of some of the most ornery reptiles, that
+a-way!
+
+"The grouchy sorehead party, from the jump, gets dissatisfied about
+Mike's ha'r, which he w'ars a foot long same as all artists. Which a
+gent can't be no painter onless he's got ha'r like a cow pony. The
+sorehead party marches up an' down by the table whar Mike an' the
+freighter is swappin' lies, schemin' as to how he's goin' to make a
+warlike hook-up with Mike. After a spell he thinks he sees his way
+through, an' rounds to an' growls.
+
+"'What's that? Does one of your onparalleled tarrapins say something
+deerog'tory about George Washin'ton?'
+
+"Both the freighter an' Mike looks up some amazed, but pleads not
+guilty. They ain't, they says, even thinkin' of Washin'ton.
+
+"'Which I begs your parding,' returns Sorehead, snortin' mighty
+haughty an' elab'rate; 'I fancies I hears some one make some
+onbecomin' remark about Washin'ton. Mighty likely it's that licker I
+drinkt last night.'
+
+"Two minutes later he halts ag'in.
+
+"'It ain't possible I'm mistook this time. An' at that I don't
+precisely ketch what you offensive ground-owls is observin' about
+Thomas Jefferson?'
+
+"Mike an' the Lordsburg freighter insists vehement that thar's been no
+alloosion to Jefferson, none whatever.
+
+"'Parding!' Sorehead snorts; 'ag'in I asks parding! As former, I finds
+I'm barkin' at a bunch of leaves. My y'ear deeceives me into thinkin'
+that you two fool ground-owls is indulgin' in reecrim'nations ag'inst
+Thomas Jefferson.'
+
+"It's the third time, an' Sorehead's back, neck bowed an' fingers
+workin'.
+
+"'Now thar's no error! Which one of you cheap prairie dogs makes that
+low-flung statement about old Andy Jackson? Let him speak up, an' I'll
+give him a hundred dollars before devourin' his heart.'
+
+"'No one mentions Jackson,' says Mike, who's becomin' frightened an'
+fretted; 'whatever's the idee of any one talkin' about Jackson,
+anyhow?'
+
+"'Oh, ho! Perhaps, my bold galoot, you think old Andy ain't worth
+talkin' about!'
+
+"Sayin' which, that sorehead malcontent reaches for Mike, an' the two
+go sailin' 'round the room permiscus. Sorehead picks Mike up, an'
+sweeps a cord or two of glasswar' off the bar with him. Then he
+employs him in bringin' down a picture from the wall. After which he
+nacherally tosses him hither an' yon in the most irrel'vant way.
+
+"Sorehead has jest reached up with Mike, an' smashed a chandelier
+carryin' fourteen coal-oil lamps, when in t'ars the Lightnin' Bug,
+white an' frothin'. The Bug don't waste no time lookin' for holds, but
+casyooally, yet no less s'fficiently, snags onto Sorehead. Fixin' his
+ten claws in him, the Bug fo'thwith embarks upon sech feats in the
+way of ground an' lofty tumblin' with that gladiator, as to make what
+happens to Mike seem pooerile.
+
+"'Don't you-all know,' shouts the Bug, as, havin' done broke a cha'r
+with Sorehead, he proceeds to deevote what's left of him to smashin' a
+table--'don't you-all know, you abandoned profligate, that this yere
+artist you've been maltreatin' is a pers'nal friend of mine, yere
+present in Red Dog to confab with me on important affairs? An' is it
+for a houseless sot like you to take to minglin' with him malignant?
+Yereafter don't you-all so much as presoome to breathe without first
+gettin' my permission so to do in writin'!'
+
+"As closin' the incident the Bug sends Sorehead hurtlin' through a
+window, sash an' all. After which he dusts off his hands an' says:
+
+"'Gents, let's licker.'
+
+"The barkeep's that gratified he declar's the drinks is on the Tub.
+
+"'Also, the glass an' sash, Bug,' he adds.
+
+"Bein' refreshed, the Bug tenderly collects Mike, who's in a frayed
+an' fragmentary condition, an' gently freights him over to us on a
+buckboard. It's a week before Peets allows he's ag'in ready for the
+show ring, an' he uses up enough co't plaster on him to kyarpet the
+Red Light. Little Joolie? We let's on to her that Mike meets up with a
+she grizzly an' her cubs, an' while he cleans up that fam'ly he
+nacherally gets chewed.
+
+"'Mike's shorely some abrated, ma'am,' explains Peets; 'but he's
+mendin' fast. When I first lays eyes on him, after he encounters that
+bevy of b'ars, it's a question if his skin'll hold his principles. But
+don't take on, Ma'am; now I've got him headed right he'll be as good
+as new in a week. Don't forget, too, that he shore does land that band
+of grizzlies in the scrap-heap.'
+
+"Mike emerges from the hands of Peets filled with a pecooliar furrin'
+form of wrath, an' talkin' about his honor. It's Sorehead he's after
+now. As a noble Pole, he says, he has been most contoomeliously used,
+an' insists upon a dooel. Not with the Bug, who's withdrew them
+orig'nal jedgments concernin' old Monte's portrait, an' substitooted
+tharfor the view that said picture's bound to become the artistic
+pride an' joy of Arizona. Mike wants to fight the onreegen'rate
+Sorehead.
+
+"In the flush of their new friendship Mike asks the Bug to heel an'
+handle him. Also, it's warmin' to your better nacher to note the
+enthoosiasm wharwith the Bug takes up his dooties.
+
+"'It'll be six-shooters at ten paces,' he explains to Mike; 'an' if
+you only shoots like you paints, we'll send that tramp whar the wicked
+cease from troublin' an' the weary are at rest.'
+
+"The Red Dog chief gives his word to Enright that Mike ain't in no
+danger.
+
+"'Comin' down to cases,' says the Red Dog chief; 'it's even money that
+this yere Sorehead crawfishes. If he don't we've got it all set up to
+hand him the Bug, instead of that Red Mike artist of yours. So you see
+thar's lit'rally nothin' for you-all wolves to worry over at all.'
+
+"'We-all wolves ain't in the habit of worryin' to any astoundin'
+extent,' returns Enright, some rigid; 'none the less, I allows I'll
+take a look through the sights myse'f, merely by way of makin' shore
+which way the gun is p'inted. Thar's reasons, one of 'em a lovin'
+little blind girl, why we're not so plumb partic'lar about havin' this
+yere alleged artist party put over the jump.'
+
+"The fight's a week away, an' by advice of the Bug, Mike decides to
+put a polish on his shootin'. This yere's reckoned a bright idee, the
+more since as near as we-all can jedge Mike never does pull a trigger
+once since when his mother rocks his cradle an' warms his milk.
+
+"'Only,' warns Enright, as Mike goes makin' prep'rations, 'don't
+you-all go aimin' towards town none. We don't want no neeophytes
+bombardin' the village, which y'ar in an' y'ar out sees bullets enough
+in the nacheral onfoldment of eevents.'
+
+"Mike, not havin' no gun, borrys a .45 of Moore. Thus equipped, he
+secoores some cartridges at the Noo York store, an' la'nches forth. No
+one goes with him, since he allows he'll shoot better if he's by
+himse'f.
+
+"Thar's a powder house, belongin' to the Copper Queen Mine, about a
+mile outside of town. It stands off by itse'f an' nothin' near it, no
+one honin' much to live neighbor to a ton or two of powder. It's about
+fifth drink time the mornin' Mike seelects for his practice shootin'
+when, like a bolt from the bloo, that Copper Queen powder house goes
+up with a most emphatic whang! What Peets calls the 'concussion'
+breaks windows in the Wells-Fargo office, an' shakes up the Red Light
+to that extent it brings down Monte's picture an' busts it to forty
+flinders on the bottles.
+
+"'Which for a moment,' says Black Jack, commentin' on the gen'ral mess
+it makes, 'I thinks it's one of Colonel Sterett's _Coyote_ editorials
+on the licker question.'
+
+"That powder blow-up marks the onforchoonate last of Mike. Since he
+never does show up no more, an' a Mexican tendin' goats in the
+vicin'ty informs us he sees him pinnin' a target on the r'ar elevation
+of the powder house jest prior to the explosion, it's the common
+feelin' that the blow-up's caused by one of Mike's bullets, an' that
+Mike an' the powder reepos'tory takes flight simooltaneous. Only, as
+already set fo'th, Peets claims that Mike knows what's comin'. Mebby
+Peets is right, an' mebby Mike that a-way commits sooicide. Whichever
+it is, sooicide or accident, it's a mighty complete success; for the
+only trace we're able to find of either Mike or the powder house is a
+most elab'rate hole in the ground.
+
+"'The same bein', as I holds, a most excellent feachure,' says Boggs,
+who loathes foonerals. 'This yere powder house way of cashin' in meets
+with my approval. It shore don't leave no reemains!'"
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+HOW TUTT SHOT TEXAS THOMPSON
+
+
+"Which they starts the yarn in Red Dog that the shootin' that time
+between Tutt an' Texas is born of sectional feelin', an' because
+Texas is a southern gent, while Tutt comes from the No'th. Sech
+explainations is absurd--as Doc Peets well says. Also, I'm yere to go
+one word further an' state that, while it's like them Red Dogs, idle
+an' mendacious as they freequent be, to go fosterin' sech fictions,
+thar ain't a syllable of trooth tharin from soda to hock. The
+flareup has its start in them two children, Annalinda Thompson an'
+little Enright Peets, an' what sentiments of rivalry nacherally
+seizes on Tutt an' Texas as parent an' uncle reespective."
+
+"Still there must have been some degree of sectional feeling among
+you," I said, more by way of stirring my old cattleman up than any
+nobler purpose; "coming some of you from the South, and others from
+the North, it would have been strange indeed had it been otherwise."
+
+"Which it's shore strange, then. Them Wolfville pards of mine is one
+an' all United States men. They ain't Southern men, nor No'thern men,
+nor Eastern men, nor even Western men. Likewise, the improodent sport
+who'd go trackin' 'round, ondertaikin' to designate 'em as sech, would
+get toomultuous action, plenty soon and plenty of it.
+
+"Why, take Texas himse'f: Thar's a fly-by-night party pesterin' 'round
+camp for a space, who lets on he's from the same neck of woods as
+Texas. This yere annoyin' fraud is a heap proud of it, too, an' makes
+a speshulty of bein' caught a lot in Texas' company. He figgers it
+gives him a standin'.
+
+"One mornin', when only a few of us is pervadin' 'round, he plants
+himse'f plumb comfortable an' important in a Red Light cha'r, an'
+followin' the 'nitial drink for the day goes to talkin' with Texas.
+
+"As he sets thar, all fav'rable an' free, thar comes trackin' in a
+aged Eastern gent, who's been negotiatin' with Armstrong about
+business concernin' the Noo York store. The aged Eastern shorthorn
+goes rockin' up to the counter, an' p'litely lets on to Black Jack
+that he'll licker. As he does so this yere firegilt party who boasts
+he's of the same range an' breed as Texas speaks up, sharp an' coarse,
+like the bark of a dog:
+
+"'Yere, you! I wants a word or two with you-all!'
+
+"With that for a start he onfurls what he preetends is his grievances,
+the same bein' because of somethin' the aged Eastern sport does or
+don't do comin' over on Monte's stage--which they're fellow passengers
+that time, it seems--an' next he cuts loose, an' goes to vitooperatin'
+an' reecrim'natin', an' pilin' insult on epithet, that a-way, to beat
+four of a kind. Which he certainly does give that aged Eastern person
+a layin' out! Shore; he's jest showin' off at that, an' tryin' to
+impress Texas.
+
+"At the beginnin' the aged Eastern gent stands like he's dazed, onable
+to collect himse'f. However, he gets his mental feet onder him, an'
+allowin' he won't stay none to listen to sech tirades, tucks away his
+nosepaint an' pulls out.
+
+"After he's gone the vitooperative party wheels so's to face Texas,
+an' says--mighty pleasant an' agree'ble, like the object of the
+meetin's been most happ'ly accomplished:
+
+"'Thar, that shows you.'
+
+"'Whatever does it show?' Texas asks, some grim.
+
+"'Which it shows the difference between a No'thern gent an' a Southern
+gent. To be shore, that old cimmaron ain't half my size an' is twict
+my age, but all the same, Texas, if he's from the South, you bet, like
+you an' me, he'd tore into me, win or lose, if he'd got killed!'
+
+"'You think so?' says Texas, his eyes becomin' as hard an' glitterin'
+as a snake's. 'Now let me tell you something, my lionhearted friend.
+Thar's brave men South, an' brave men No'th. Also, thar's quitters;
+quitters at both ends of that No'thern-Southern trail who'll go into
+the water like a mink. Accordin' to my experiences, an' I've been
+dallyin' with hoomanity in the herd for quite some time, thar's
+nothin' in that geographical bluff of yours at all. Moreover, I
+reckons that before I'm through, seein' now you've got me goin', I'll
+prove it. For a starter, then, takin' your say-so for it, you're a
+Southern man?'
+
+"'Which that's shore c'rrect,' the other responds, but feeble; 'you
+an' me, as I says former, is both Southern men.'
+
+"'_Bueno!_ Now as calk'lated to demonstrate how plumb onfounded is
+them theeries of yours'--yere Texas gets up, an' kicks his cha'r back
+so he's got room--'I has pleasure in informin' you that you're a
+onmitigated hoss-thief;--an' you don't dare stand up. Yes, sir; you're
+onfit to drink with a nigger or eat with a dog;--an' you'll set thar
+an' take it.'
+
+"Which that aboosive party, pale as paper, certainly does 'set thar
+an' take it' preecisely as Texas prophecies; an' after glowerin' at
+him, red-eyed an' f'rocious for a moment, Texas sticks his paws in his
+jeans, an' sa'nters off.
+
+"It's jest as well. Why, if that humbug so much as curls a lip or
+crooks a finger, after Texas takes to enunciatin' them prop'sitions in
+philosophy, Texas'd have tacked him to the table with his bowie an'
+left him kickin', same as them goggled-eyed professors who calls
+themselves nacheralists does some buzzin' fly with a pin.
+
+"'Which, if thar's anything,' Texas explains to Enright, 'that makes
+me tired partic'lar, it's them cracks about No'th an' South. If I was
+range boss for these yere United States I'd shore have them
+deescriptives legislated into a cap'tal offence.'
+
+"'Sech observations as that narrow tarrapin onbosoms,' comments
+Enright, 'only goes to show how shallow he is. Comin' down to the
+turn, even that old Eastern shorthorn's walkin' away from him don't
+necessar'ly mean a lack of sand. Folks does a heap of runnin' in this
+vale of tears, but upon various an' varyin' argyooments. A gent runs
+from a polecat, an' he runs from a b'ar; but the reason ain't the
+same.'
+
+"Thar's no sectionalisms in Tutt's differences with Texas, none
+whatever. Also, while it finds, as I holds, its roots in Annalinda an'
+little Enright Peets, it don't arise from nothin' which them babies
+does to one another. Two pups in the same basket, two birds on the
+same bough, couldn't have got along more harmon'ous. The moment Nell
+brings little Enright Peets over to see Annalinda them children falls
+together like a shock of oats, an' at what times they're onhobbled of
+fam'ly reestrictions an' footloose so to do, you'd see 'em playin'
+'round from sun-up till dark, same as a pa'r of angels.
+
+"Troo, Annalinda does domineer over little Enright Peets, an' makes
+him fetch an' carry an' wait on her; an' thar's times, too, when she
+shore beats him up with a stick or quirt some lib'ral. But what else
+would you expect? I even encounters little Enright Peets, down on
+all-fours, an' Annalinda ridin' him like he's a hoss. Likewise, she's
+kickin' his ribs a heap, to make him go faster. But that's nothin';
+them two babies is only playin'.
+
+"Not that I'm none so shore it ain't this yere last identical
+spectacle which gives Nell the notion of them two children marryin' at
+some footure day. That, however, is merest surmise, an' in a manner
+onimportant. What I'd like to get proned into you-all is that Texas
+an' Tutt lockin' horns like they does has its single cause in them
+latent jealousies an' struggles for social preecedence, which is bound
+to occur between a only father an' a only uncle wharever found. Which
+the single safegyard lies in sech a multitoode of fathers an' uncles
+as renders 'em common. To possess but one of each makes 'em puffed up
+an' pride-blown, an' engenders a mootual uppishness which before all
+is over is shore to man'fest itse'f in war.
+
+"Thar's one boast we-all is able to make, however. That clash between
+Tutt an' Texas is the only shore-enough trouble which ever breaks out
+among the boys. You onderstands, of course, that when I says 'boys'
+that a-way, I alloodes to Enright an' Peets an' them others who
+constitootes Wolfville's social an' commercial backbone. Thar's other
+embroglios more or less smoky an' permiscus, which gets pulled off one
+way an' another, but they ain't held to apply to us of rights. For
+sech alien hookups, so to speak, we reefooses all reespons'bility.
+Which we regyards them escapades as fortooitous, an' declines 'em
+utter. Tutt's goin' against Texas is the only war-jig we feels to be
+reely Wolfville's."
+
+"You forget," I said teasingly, "the shooting between Boggs and Tutt,
+as incident to the Washerwoman's War."
+
+"Which, that?" There was impatience tinged with acrimony in the tones.
+"That's nothin' more'n gallantry. It's what's to be looked for whar
+thar's ladies about, an' is doo to a over-effervescence of sperit,
+common to the younger males of our species when made gala an' giddy by
+the alloorin' flutter of a petticoat. Boggs an' Tutt don't honestly
+mean them bullets none. Also, if you-all is goin' to keep on with your
+imbecile interruptions, I'll quit."
+
+Abject apologies on my part, supported by equally abject promises of
+reform.
+
+The old gentleman, thus mollified, resumed:
+
+"Goin' back to this yere Tutt-Texas collision, thar's no denyin', an'
+be fa'r about it, but what Tutt has grounds. For goin' on five years
+he's been looked up to as the only father in camp, an' for Texas to
+appear at what you-all might call the 'leventh hour an' go crowdin'
+disdainfully into the picture on nothin' more'n bein' a uncle, is
+preepost'rous. To prance 'round on sech a meager showin', puttin' on
+the dog he does, an' all in a somber, overbearin' way like he's
+packin' the world on his shoulders an' we-all's got to be a heap
+careful not to do nothin' to him to make him drop it, is inexcoosable
+to the verge of outrage. No rel'tive in the third or fo'th degree is
+jestified to assoome sech sooperiorities; an' Enright tells Texas so
+after Peets digs the lead out of the thick of his laig.
+
+"Which we gets orig'nal notice about Annalinda, when a passel of us,
+as is our custom followin' first drink time in the evenin', drifts
+into the post office. Some gets letters, some don't; an' Texas, who,
+as a roole, don't have no voloominous correspondence, is sayin' that
+he has the same feelin' about letters he has about trant'lers, as
+bein' a heap more likely to sting you than anything else, when the
+postmaster shoves him out one.
+
+"It's from Laredo, an' when Texas gets a glimpse at the mark on it he
+lets it fall onopened to the floor.
+
+"'It's my former wife!' he says, with a shudder. 'Yere she is,
+startin' in to get the upper hand of me ag'in.'
+
+"'Nonsense!' says Peets, pickin' up the letter, 'it's from some
+lawyers. Can't you see their names yere up in the corner?'
+
+"'That don't mean nothin',' Texas whispers--he's shore a heap shook;
+'it'd be about her speed, as she goes plottin' afresh to ondermine me
+in my present peace, to rope up a law-wolf to show her how.'
+
+"Bein' urged by Peets, an' the balance of us asshorin' him we'll stand
+pat in his destinies come what may an' defend him to the bitter
+finish, Texas manages to open the envelope. As he stands thar readin'
+the scare in his face begins to fade in favor of a look of gloom.
+
+"'Gents,' he says, at last, 'it's my brother Ed. He's cashed in.' We
+expresses the reg'lation reegrets, an' Texas continyoos: 'Ed leaves me
+his baby girl, Annalinda--she's my niece.' After a pause he adds:
+'This yere shore requires consideration.'
+
+"'These law sharps,' explains Texas, when we're organized all sociable
+in the Red Light, an' Black Jack's come through on right an' reg'lar
+lines, 'allows it's Ed's dyin' reequest that I take an' ride paternal
+herd on this infant child.'
+
+"'But how about its mother?' urges Enright.
+
+"'Which it ain't got none. Its mother dies two years ago. Now Ed's
+packed in, that baby's been whipsawed; it's a full-fledged orphan,
+goin' an' comin'.'
+
+"'Ain't thar no rel'tives on the mother's side?' asks Nell, from over
+back of Cherokee's lay out.
+
+"'Meanest folks, Nellie,' says Texas, 'bar none, between the Colorado
+an' the Mississippi. You see they're kin to my Laredo wife, me an' Ed
+both marryin' into the same tribe. Which it shows the Thompson
+intell'gence. Thar ain't a Thompson yet who don't need a guardeen
+constant.'
+
+"After no end of discussion that a-way it's onderstood to be the
+gen'ral notion that Texas ought to bring Ed's orphan baby to
+Wolfville.
+
+"'But s'ppose,' says Texas, 'that in spite of Ed wantin' me to cast my
+protectin' pinions over this yere infant, its mother's outfit,
+thinkin' mebby to shake me down for some _dinero_, objects?'
+
+"'In which case,' says Boggs, who's plumb interested, 'you sends for
+me, Texas, an' we mavericks it. You ain't goin' to let no sech callous
+an' onfeelin' gang as your wife's folks go 'round dictatin' about Ed's
+Annalinda child, be you, an' givin' you a stand-off? Which you're
+only tryin' to execoote Ed's dying behests.'
+
+"It's settled final that Texas, ag'inst whatever opp'sition, has got
+to bring on Annalinda to us. That disposed of, it next comes
+nacherally up as a question how, when we gets Annalinda safe to
+Wolfville, she's goin' to be took care of.
+
+"'Which the O. K. Restauraw won't do,' Texas says, lookin' anxious out
+of the tail of his eye at Enright an' Peets. 'Mind, I ain't hintin'
+nothin' ag'inst Missis Rucker, who hasn't got her Southwest equal at
+flapjacks, but I submits that for a plastic child that a-way, at a
+time when it receives impressions easy, to daily witness the way she
+maltreats Rucker, is to go givin' that infant wrong idees of what's
+coming to husbands as a whole. I'm a hard man, gents; but I don't aim
+to bring up this yere Annalinda baby so that one day she's encouraged
+to go handin' out the racket to some onforchoonate sport, which my
+Laredo wife hands me.'
+
+"'Thar's reasons other than Missis Rucker,' Enright is quick to
+observe, 'why the O. K. House ain't the fittest place for infancy,
+an' any discussion of our esteemable hostess in them marital
+attitoodes of hers is sooperfluous. S'ppose we lets it go, without
+elab'ration, that the O. K. House, from nursery standp'ints, won't
+do.'
+
+"Cherokee thinks that mighty likely a good way'd be to have Annalinda
+live with Tutt an' Tucson Jennie.
+
+"Peets shakes his sagacious head.
+
+"'Dave'll onderstand my p'sition to be purely scientific,' he says,
+glancin' across at Tutt, 'when I states that sech a move'd be a error.
+Tucson Jennie, as wife an' mother, is as fine as silk. But she's also
+a female woman, an' owns a papoose of her own. Thar's inborn reasons
+why woman, as sech, while sympathetic an' gen'rally speakin' plumb
+lovely, is oncapable onder certain circumstances of a squar' deal. In
+this yere business of babies, for example, thar's existed throughout
+the ages a onbridgable gulf in her eyes between her offspring an'
+other folks' offspring; an' while disclaiming all disloyalty to Tucson
+Jennie, I'm obleeged to say that as between Annalinda an' little
+Enright Peets, she wouldn't be cap'ble of a even break. Do I
+overstate the trooth, Dave?'
+
+"'None whatever,' Tutt returns. 'What you discovers scientific, Doc, I
+learns more painfully as husband an' father. I fully agrees that when
+it comes to other folks' children no female mother can hold the
+onbiased scales.'
+
+"'Thar's French an' his wife?' chirps Nell, her elbow on the lay-out,
+an' her little round chin in her fist; 'thar's the Frenches, over to
+the corrals? French an' Benson Annie ain't got no children, an' they'd
+be pleased to death at havin' Annalinda.'
+
+"'But be they competent?' asks Texas, over whom a feelin' of
+se'f-importance is already beginnin' to creep like ivy on a wall. 'I
+don't want to be considered a carper, but as I sees it I'd be doin'
+less'n my dooty as a uncle if I fails to ask, Be them Frenches
+competent?'
+
+"'You'll have to rope up a nurse some'ers, anyhow, Texas,' Boggs puts
+in. 'Thar's dozens of them good-nachered fat young senoritas among the
+Mexicans who'll do. The nurse would know her business, even if the
+Frenches don't.'
+
+"'Two nurses,' declar's Tutt. 'Bein' a father, I savvys the nurse
+game from start to finish. You'll need two; one to hold it, an' one to
+fetch it things.'
+
+"'But about them Frenches?' inquires Jack Moore. 'Ain't we goin' a
+little fast? Mebby they themselves has objections.'
+
+"'Which they'd look mighty well,' observes Cherokee, riflin' the deck
+an' snappin' it into the box plenty vicious, 'to go 'round objectin'
+after Nellie yere's done put 'em in nom'nation for this trust.'
+
+"'Not that they'd reeject it haughty,' explains Moore; 'but, as Texas
+himse'f says, who's to know, they bein' mighty modest people, that
+they'll regyard themselves as comp'tent? The Frenches ain't had no
+practice, an' thar's nothin' easier than a misdeal about a youngone.
+Thar's a brainless mother saws her baby off on me over in Prescott one
+day, while she goes cavortin' into a store to buy a frock, an' you-all
+can go put a bet on it I'm raisin' the he'pless long yell inside of
+the first minute. This takin' charge of babies ain't no sech pushover
+as it looks. It's certainly no work for amatoors.'
+
+"'Thar's nothin' in them doubts, Jack,' Boggs chips in confidently.
+'Even if them Frenches ain't had no practice, an' the nurses should
+fall down, thar's dozens of us who'll be ever at the elbow of that
+household; an' if in their ignorance they takes to bunglin' the play
+we'll be down on 'em in the cockin' of a winchester to give 'em the
+proper steer.'
+
+"'I reckon, Nellie,' says Texas, lookin' wistful across at Nell,
+'that if some of the boys yere'll stand your watch as lookout,
+you'd put in a day layin' in a outfit of duds? You could be doin'
+it, you know, while I'm down in Laredo, treating with them hostiles
+for possession.'
+
+"'Shore,' an' Nellie smiles at the prospect. 'Which I'll jest go
+stampedin' over to Tucson for 'em, too. How old is Annalinda?'
+
+"Texas gives Annalinda's age as three.
+
+"'She'll be four next fall,' says he; 'I remembers Ed writes me she's
+born durin' the beef round-up.'
+
+"'In that case,' comments Enright, 'she ought to stand about eight
+hands high. In clawin' together said raiment, Nellie, that'll give you
+some impression of size.'
+
+"'An', Nellie,' continyoos Texas, 'my idee is you'll want to change
+in say a thousand dollars?'
+
+"'Why, Texas, you talk like you're locoed. One hundred'll win out all
+the clothes she could sp'ile, w'ar or t'ar to pieces in a year.'
+
+"'Shore,' coincides Tutt; 'take little Enright Peets. One hundred
+_pesos_ leaves him lookin' like a circus.'
+
+"'But Annalinda,' objects Texas doubtfully, 'is a She. It costs more
+for girls. That Laredo wife of mine'd blow in the price of sixty head
+of cattle, an' then allow she ain't half dressed.'
+
+"'One hundred'll turn the trick,' Nell insists.
+
+"All that night we sets up discussin' an' considerin'. The more we
+talks the better we likes that Annalinda idee.
+
+"At sun-up, b'arin' the best wishes of all, Texas cinches a hull into
+his quickest pony, an' hits the trail for Tucson to take the railroad
+kyars for Laredo.
+
+"'Which, onless they gives me more of a battle than I anticipates,' he
+remarks, as he pushes his feet into the stirrup, 'I'll be back by ten
+days.'
+
+"'An', Texas,' says Boggs, detainin' him by the bridle rein, 'you-all
+beat it into that baby that I'm her Uncle Dan. It'll give you
+something to do comin' back.'
+
+"'Which, jedgin' from what I goes through that day in Prescott,'
+remarks Moore, mighty cynical, 'Texas'll have plenty to do.'
+
+"Texas don't meet up with no partic'lar Laredo opposition, them
+relatives appearin' almost eager to give him Annalinda. One of 'em
+even goes the insultin' len'th of offerin' to split the expense, but
+withdraws his bluff when Texas threatens to brain him with a
+six-shooter.
+
+"Boggs, hearin' of this Laredo willin'ness, can't onderstand it no
+how.
+
+"'It's too many for me,' he says. 'If it's me, now, I'd have clung to
+that blessed baby till the cows come home. They must shore be
+deeficient in taste, them Laredo yahoos!'
+
+"As exhibitin' how soon bein' moved into cel'bration as a uncle begins
+to tell on Texas he ups an' in the fullness of his vanity deecides,
+even before he arrives at Laredo, ag'inst the scheme which the camp's
+half laid out about the Frenches an' Annalinda, an' arranges to have
+a 'doby of his own. It's a blow to the Frenches, too, for since we
+notifies 'em, they has set their hearts on the racket.
+
+"But Texas is immov'ble.
+
+"'Ed's dyin',' says he, 'an' namin' me to be reespons'ble for
+Annalinda, creates a sityooation best met by me havin' a wickeyup of
+my own. I'm sorry to disapp'int, but after matoore reeflection, that
+a-way, I've conclooded to play a lone hand.'
+
+"While he's away Texas goes projectin' 'round an' cuts out a couple of
+old black mammies from a day nursery over in Dallas, an' brings 'em
+along. They an' Annalinda rides over from Tucson in the stage; but,
+bein' more familiar with the saddle, an' because he's better able
+tharfrom to soopervise an' go dictatin' terms to Monte, he himse'f
+comes on his pony.
+
+"'An', gents,' whines Monte, as, throwin' down the reins, he heads for
+the Red Light bar, 'between us he ain't the same Texas. That
+Annalinda child has shore changed him turrible. All the way from
+Tucson, when he ain't crowdin' up to the wheel to give orders to them
+Senegambians about how to hold or when to feed her, he's menacin' at
+me. That's why I'm three hours late. At rough places it looks like
+thar ain't no name mean enough for him to call me; an' once, when
+the front wheel jolts into a chuckhole an' Annalinda sets up a
+squall, he pulls a gun an' threatens in the most frenzied way to shoot
+me up. "You be more careful," he roars, "or I'll blow you plumb off
+your perch! Childhood, that a-way, is a fragile flower; an' if you
+figgers I'll set yere an', in the tender instance of my own pers'nal
+niece, see some booze-besotted drunkard break that flower short off
+at the stalk, I'll fool you up a whole lot." An' do you-all know,'
+Monte concloodes, almost with a sob, 'he never does let down the
+hammer of his .45 ag'in for most a mile.'
+
+"Annalinda is plumb pretty. The whole camp goes her way like a
+landslide. Tucson Jennie approves of her--with reeservations, of
+course, in favor of little Enright Peets; Missis Rucker finds time to
+snatch a few moments, between feedin' us an' bossin' Rucker, to go see
+her every day; while, as for Nell, she's in an' out of Texas' 'doby
+mornin', noon an' night to sech extents that half the time Cherokee
+ain't got no lookout, an' when he has it's Boggs.
+
+[Illustration: "HIM AN' ANNALINDA SHORE DO CONSTITOOTE A PICTURE. 'THAR'S
+A PA'R TO DRAW TO,' SAYS NELL TO TEXAS, HER EYES LIKE BROWN DIAMONDS."
+p. 281.]
+
+"Nell brings over little Enright Peets, an' thar's no backin' away
+from it him an' Annalinda shore do constitoote a picture.
+
+"'Thar's a pa'r to draw to!' says Nell to Texas, her eyes like
+diamonds.
+
+"Bein' romantic, like all girls, an' full of fancies that a-way, Nell
+indulges in playful specyoolations about Annalinda an' little Enright
+Peets gettin' married later on. Not that she intends anything,
+although Texas takes it plenty serious, which shows how his egotism is
+already workin' overtime.
+
+"When Monte puts up them groans about how Texas is changed, we-all
+lays it to the complainin' habit which, on account of whiskey mebby,
+has got to be second nacher with him. He's always kickin' about
+something; an' so, nacherally, when he onbosoms himse'f of that howl
+about Texas, we don't pay no speshul heed. It ain't three days,
+however, before it begins to break on us that for once Monte's right.
+Texas has certainly changed. Thar's a sooperior manner, what you'd
+call a loftiness, about him, which is hard to onderstand an' harder
+to put up with. It gets to be his habit constant to reemark in a
+wearied way, as he slops out his drinks, that we-all'll have to
+excoose him talkin' to us much, because he's got cares on his mind,
+besides bein' played out on account of settin' up all night with
+Annalinda.
+
+"'Which she's sheddin' her milk teeth,' he'd say, 'an' it makes her
+petyoolant.'
+
+"After which he'd turn away in dignified tol'ration, same as if we're
+too low an' dull to a'preeciate what he has to b'ar.
+
+"Or, ag'in--an' always before the draw--he'd throw down his hand in a
+poker game, an' scramble to his feet, sayin':
+
+"'Heavens! I forgets about that Annalinda child!'
+
+"An' with that he'd go skallyhootin' off into space, leavin' us
+planted thar with a misdeal on our hands, an' each one of us holdin'
+mebby better than aces-up, an' feelin' shore we could have filled.
+It's nothin' less'n awful the way he acts; an' that we lets him get
+away with it exhibits them sentiments of Christian charity which
+permeates our breasts.
+
+"Thar's the way, too, he goes hectorin' at Boggs! Two occasions in
+partic'lar I reecalls; an' it's only Boggs' forbearance that
+hostil'ties don't ensoo. One time when Annalinda's out for a walk with
+her two old black mammies Boggs crosses up with the outfit an' kisses
+Annalinda. Wharupon Texas yells out from across the street, like he's
+been bit by a rattlesnake:
+
+"'Don't do that, Dan! You'll mebby give her something. In Mother
+Shrewsbury's "What Ails Babies and Why" it's laid down emphatic that
+you mustn't kiss 'em.'
+
+"'But you kisses her,' retorts Boggs.
+
+"'Me? But I'm her uncle. Besides, I only kisses her hands. Which I'll
+permit you-all to kiss her hands, Dan, if that'll do you. Only don't
+you go to overplay it none. Don't forget that hands is the limit, an'
+it's thar whar you gets off.'
+
+"'Which I ain't none shore,' says Boggs, who's some hurt, as he's
+talkin' the thing over with Enright an' Cherokee in the Red
+Light--'which I ain't none shore but Texas is right; only he oughtn't
+to throw out them rooles of health of his so plumb offensive. You'd
+have reckoned from the row he makes I'm eatin' Annalinda.'
+
+"Another time Boggs gives Annalinda his six-shooter to play with, she
+havin' deemanded it with screams. Texas comes steamin' up.
+
+"'Dan,' he cries, grabbin' the weepon from Annalinda, 'sometimes I
+asks myse'f in all ser'ousness be you got common sense! Is this yere a
+snare you're settin' for this innocent child? Do you-all want her to
+blow her head plumb off?'
+
+"'But, Texas,' Boggs expostyoolates, 'thar ain't a chance. How's
+she goin' to cock that gun, an' the mainspring fifteen pounds
+resistance?'
+
+"'But she might drop it.'
+
+"'Which, if she does, it can't go off none; I sets the hammer between
+two shells on purpose.'
+
+"'Whoever's bringin' up this yere baby, you or me?' Texas deemands, as
+he tosses Boggs his gun. 'Please don't pass her no more artillery. If
+it's got to whar her existence is goin' to be a failure onless she's
+foolin' with a gun, I as her uncle preefers to furnish said hardware
+myse'f.'
+
+"Shore, Boggs stands it, it's so evident Texas is onhinged.
+
+"'An' if you look at it straight it ain't no wonder, neither,' says
+Boggs, who's mighty forgivin' that a-way. 'It's apples to ashes if you
+was to suddenly up an' enrich any of us with a niece like Annalinda,
+we-all in goin' crazy over her 'd give Texas kyards an' spades.'
+
+"Texas, who's always readin' medicine books, likes to go bulgin'
+'round eloocidatin' about measles an' scarlet fever an' whoopin'
+cough, an' what other maladies is allers layin' in wait to bushwhack
+infancy. At sech moments he's plenty speecious an' foxy, so's to trap
+us into deebates with him. Mebby it'll be about the mumps, an' what's
+to be done; an' then, after he gets us goin', he'll r'ar back the
+actchooal image of insult an' floor us with 'Mother Shrewsbury.' It
+ain't no overstatin' a sityooation to say he pursoos these yere
+tactics ontil he's the admitted pest of the camp, an' thar ain't one
+of us but would sooner see a passel of Apaches comin' than him. He
+can't confab two minutes about Annalinda but he grows so insultin' you
+simply has to hold onto your manhood by the scruff of the neck not to
+go for him.
+
+"Even Enright ain't exempt. It comes out casyooally one evenin', as
+Texas goes layin' down the law about how he's r'arin' Annalinda, that
+Enright's mother was wont to sooth an' engage his infantile hours with
+a sugar-rag an' a string of spools. Which you should have shore seen
+Texas look at him! Not with reespect, mind you; not like he's heard
+anything worth while or interestin'. But like he's sayin' to himse'f,
+'An' you sets thar offerin' yourse'f as a argyooment in favor of
+sugar-rags an' strings of spools! On the back of sech a warnin' you
+don't figger none I'll go givin' sugar-rags an' strings of spools to
+Annalinda, do you?' While he's thinkin' this he grins that patronizin'
+it'd set your teeth on edge.
+
+"Texas in a simple sperit of vain-glory'd take advantage of Tutt bein'
+a father that a-way to back him into a corner; an' then, ignorin' the
+rest of us as belongin' to the barb'rous herd, he'd insist on
+discussin' skunk oil as a remedy for croup. An' the worst of it is he
+finally has Tutt, who's bad enough before, gyratin' 'round, his addled
+nose to the sky in redoubled scorn of childless men. From the two
+sociablest sports in camp it gets so that the uncle in one an' father
+in the other so far supplants an' shoves aside the mere man in 'em
+that Job himse'f would have had to make a new record for meekness an'
+long sufferin' to get along with 'em. Which we-all suffers from both
+to that extent that when they does start to bombardin' each other the
+eepisode in some of its angles appeals to us as a welcome relief.
+
+"Even Peets goes after Texas. It don't do no good. He's become that
+opinionated he ain't got no more reespect for Peets than for Monte.
+Texas mentions that Annalinda's got a ache some'ers, an' asks Peets
+what's his idee.
+
+"'Thar's nothin' onder the firmament, Texas, the matter with that
+baby,' says Peets, 'but you. Which if you'd ever got to him as a
+yearlin' you'd a-killed Hercules himse'f! Quit yore fussin', an' give
+Annalinda a chance. Take a lesson from the cub coyote. Roll Annalinda
+out in the sand, an' let her scuffle. That's the way to bring a
+youngone up.'
+
+"'Mother Shrewsbury don't agree with you,' says Texas. 'Also, thar's
+nothin' in them cub coyote claims of yours for r'arin' children.'
+
+"'Mother Shrewsbury,' retorts Peets, 'is nothin' but a patent med'cine
+outfit, which feeds an' fattens on sech boneheads as you.'
+
+"'Excoose me, but scattered throughout that invalyooable work is the
+endorsements of doctors of divinity.'
+
+"'Shore! Half the time a gold brick comes to you wrapped in a tract.
+All the same, Texas, the way you're carryin' on about Annalinda is
+fast bringin' your sanity into doubt.'
+
+"Texas snorts his scorn at this, an' goes back to 'Mother Shrewsbury.'
+
+"As I've already s'ggested, however, thar's a bitter drop in Texas'
+cup, an' Tutt's the drop. As a ondeniable father, Tutt can put it all
+over Texas or any other mere uncle whenever he feels like it, an' deep
+down in his heart Texas knows it. He struggles to hide the feelin',
+but any one can tell that the very sight of Tutt is wormwood to him.
+
+"Likewise, Tutt fully ree'lizes his sooperiority, an' in no wise
+conceals the same. It comes as easy to Tutt as suckin' aiggs, he
+havin' had plenty of practice. Ever since little Enright Peets is
+born Tutt has conducted himse'f in a downhill manner towards all of
+us, an' been allowed to do so; as why not? This manner has become so
+much a part of Tutt that even after Texas inherits Annalinda an' sets
+up house for himse'f, while it makes the rest of us look up to him
+some, it don't he'p him none with Tutt. Tutt's too thoroughly aware of
+the difference between bein' a father an' bein' a uncle. Likewise, he
+lets Texas see it at every twist in the trail.
+
+"That time Nell takes to pa'rin' off little Enright Peets an'
+Annalinda, an' in a sperit of lightness speaks of how mebby some day
+they'll wed, she springs the notion on Texas, as stated, an' asks him
+what he thinks. Texas, who always has to have time to make up his mind
+about anything with Annalinda in it, is onable to say, first dash out
+of the box, whether he feels tickled or sore. He grows plenty solemn,
+as I mentions, grunts mighty elevated an' austere, an' mumbles about
+some things bein' a long shot an' a limb in the way, an' the wisdom of
+not crossin' a bridge till you gets to it.
+
+"Ten minutes later, while he's still got Annalinda an' little Enright
+Peets on the skyline of his regyard, Texas comes upon Tutt, who's
+talkin' pol'tics to Armstrong. Armstrong has tossed off a few
+weak-minded opinions about a deefensive an' offensive deal with
+Russia, an' Tutt's ag'in it as solid as a sod house.
+
+"'Yes, sir,' Tutt's saying; 'I'm ag'in any sech low alliance. I'd be
+ashamed to call myse'f a white man an' consent to sech open-eyed
+disgrace.'
+
+"Texas turns white. It's among his deefects that he can't escape the
+feelin' that the whole world is always thinkin' an' talkin' about
+whatever he himse'f is thinkin' an' talkin' about. Overhearin' what
+Tutt says, he concloodes that Tutt's declarin' his sent'ments as to
+little Enright Peets marryin' Annalinda, an' is out to reeject all
+sech alliances as a disgrace to the Tutts. An' Texas foomes. To be eat
+up by Tutt's sooperior station as a shore father is bad enough! An'
+now yere's Tutt, aggravatin' injury with insult! Which it's too much!
+
+"'Draw your weepon, Dave,' calls out Texas, bringin' his own gun to
+the front. 'Your bein' a father don't overawe me none, you bet!
+Likewise, if you're a Tutt I'm a Thompson, an' I've stood about all
+I'm going to.'
+
+"Tutt, as a old experienced gun-player, sees at a glance that he ain't
+got no time to throw out skirmishers. For reasons onknown, but
+s'fficient, thar's Texas manooverin' to plug him. Wharupon, Tutt takes
+steps accordin', an' takes 'em some abrupt. So abrupt, in trooth, that
+Texas ain't got through oratin' before his nigh hind laig has stopped
+a bullet midway above the knee. Shore, he gets a shot at Tutt, but it
+goes skutterin' along in the sand a full foot to one side. Thar's only
+them two shots, Enright, Armstrong an' Jack Moore gettin' in between
+'em, an' nippin' any further trouble in the bud.
+
+"It's two hours later, an' Enright has come 'round to beat some sense
+into Texas.
+
+"'Accordin' to the Doc yere,' says Enright, as Peets ladles the
+invalid out a hooker of Old Jordan, 'that laig'll be so you can ride
+ag'in in a month. Pendin' which, while I don't preetend to savvy
+what's been goin' on between you an' Dave, nor what insults has been
+give or took, I no less tells you, Texas, that you're wrong.'
+
+"'As how?' growls Texas, gulpin' down the nosepaint.
+
+"'As to them airs which of late you dons. You know you can't defend
+'em none. Dave's been the sole onchallenged father in this yere outfit
+for crowdin' nigh five years; an' for you to come swaggerin' up,
+insistin' that he divide the pot with you an' you holdin' nothin'
+higher than a niece, nacherally exasperates him beyond endoorance.
+Which you'd feel the same yourse'f in Dave's place.'
+
+"'But you don't onderstand, Sam. It's him connivin' round an' archin'
+his neck ag'inst them babies marryin' each other when they're growed
+up--it's that which sets my blood to b'ilin'. Wharever does Dave come
+in to get insultin' action at sech a prop'sition? It'll be a cold day
+when a Thompson ain't equal to a Tutt, an' I'll make that good while I
+can pull an' p'int a .45.'
+
+"'Which Dave,' interjecks Peets, as he goes cockin' up Texas' foot on
+a gooseha'r pillow, so's the shot laig'll feel it less--'which Dave
+thinks right now, an' so informs me personal, that you-all starts to
+mussin' with him on account of pol'tics, an' him havin' been a
+reepublican back East. Armstrong b'ars him out, too.'
+
+"'Pol'tics?' gasps Texas, full of wonder. 'Whatever do I care about
+pol'tics? I shore ain't no nigger-lovin' reepublican. At the same
+time, I ain't no cheap hoss-thief of a democrat, neither, even if I
+does come from Texas. Why, Doc, takin' jedge an' opposin' counsel an'
+the clerk who records the decree, on down to that ornery auctioneer of
+a sheriff who sells up my stock at public vandoo for costs an' al'mony
+the time my Laredo wife grabs off her divorce, every stick-up among
+'em's a democrat. An' while I don't know nothin' about pol'tics, an'
+never aims to, you can go the limit on it I ain't nothin' them bandits
+be. Which I'd sooner be a prohibitionist!'
+
+"Enright an' Peets an' Texas keeps on discussin' ontil the
+misonderstandin' is laid bar', an' Texas is quick to admit that he's
+been mistook. Tutt, who's willin' an' ready, is brought in, an' the
+pa'r reeconciled.
+
+"'An', old man,' says Tutt, usin' both hands to shake with Texas, 'I'd
+on the level feel a heap better if it's me who gets busted in the
+laig.'
+
+"'Don't mention it, Dave,' returns Texas, who, now he reelizes what
+he's done, is deeply affected. 'I was plumb wrong; I sees it now.
+Also, if in the fullness of time Annalinda declar's in favor of
+weddin' little Enright Peets, I yereby binds myse'f to back them
+nuptials for a thousand head of steers.'
+
+"'Texas,' an' the water stands in Tutt's eyes, 'while it's the first I
+hears of sech a racket, yere's my hand that I'll go with you, steer
+for steer an' hoof for hoof.'
+
+"What Peets calls 'the logic of the sityooation' p'ints to licker all
+around; an', as we-all drinks to the onclouded future of Annalinda an'
+little Enright Peets, Texas an' Tutt ag'in shakes mighty fervent for
+the second time."
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+THE FUNERAL OF OLD HOLT
+
+
+"That Turner person! Does he remain in Wolfville long?" The old
+cattleman repeated my question as though feeling for its bearings.
+"Well, he don't break no records. Which I should say now he sojourns
+with us mebby it's six months before he ups stakes an' pulls his
+freight back East. Oh, no; it ain't that any gent who's licensed to
+call himse'f a molder of public opinion, sech as Enright or Peets,
+objects to the Turner person's further presence none. Speakin'
+gen'ral, the heft of feelin' is in his favor. Not but what he has
+deeficiencies. It's no easy shot, offhand, to tell you preecisely whar
+this Turner person is camped in common esteem. Perhaps it's enough to
+say he's one of them parties who, while they don't excite your
+disapproval, is shore to keep you loaded with regrets.
+
+"Ain't you met up frequent with that form of horned toad? Thar's
+nothin' you can lodge ag'inst 'em, nothin' at which a vig'lance
+committee can rope an' fasten; they're honest, well meanin', even
+gen'rous; an' yet thar they be, upholstered by nacher in some occult
+way with about the same chance of bein' pop'lar as a wet dog. Speakin'
+for myse'f, I feels sorry for these yere onforchoonate mavericks,
+condemned as they be at birth to go pirootin' from the cradle to the
+grave, meetin' everywhar about the same welcome which awaits a polecat
+at a picnic.
+
+"Thar's no predom'natin' element of evil in this Turner person. Which
+in his case the trouble swings an' rattles on the way he's built. His
+crownin' deefect, mighty likely, is that he's got one of them sidehill
+minds, an' what idees he does evolve can't find no foothold, but is
+robbed at the start of everything reesemblin' perm'nancy. I watches
+his comin's in an' goin's out for months on eend, an' I'm yere to
+say--at the same time ascribin' to him no ill intentions--that onder
+all condition an' on all o'casions he's as onreli'ble as a woman's
+watch.
+
+"About that weddin' he goes east to consummate?
+
+"Which it looks like, speakin' mod'rate, he quits winner. He travels
+back to Sni-a-bar as tame as tabby cats in persooance with Enright's
+commands, an', once thar, old man Parks an' the rest of 'em whistles
+him through the marital chute a heap successful. When he shows up
+among us, his blushin' Peggy bride on his arm, he's wearin' all the
+brands an' y'ear marks of a thor'ughly married man; to sech degrees,
+indeed, as renders Texas oncomfortable.
+
+"'It recalls,' says Texas, 'them honeymoon days I passed with my
+Laredo wife before she wins out that divorce. It's like a icicle
+through my heart to look at him,' he goes on, aloodin' to the Turner
+person an' the fatyoous fog of deelight he's evident in. 'Thar he is,
+like a cub b'ar, his troubles all before him, an' not brains enough
+onder his skelp-lock to a'preeciate his awful p'sition.'
+
+"'Why, Texas,' remonstrates Nell as, the turn comin' trey-nine, she
+picks a stack of bloos off the trey an' puts it in the check rack,
+'you talks of wedlock as though that sacriment's a brace. Plenty of
+folks has beat the game. Thar's Tutt an' Tucson Jennie.'
+
+"'Them nuptials of Dave's an' Jennie's, Nell,' returns Texas, shakin'
+his head a heap gloomy, 'ain't far enough to the r'ar to afford a
+preecedent. Wait till Dave wakes up.'
+
+"'Till Dave wakes up?' says Boggs, who's busy at the lay-out, an' has
+jest planted a stack of reds coppered in the big squar'. 'Sech
+pess'mism, Texas, is reedic'lous. Bein' married that a-way, I takes
+it, is somethin' like walkin' a tightrope. It reequires care, but it
+can be did. To be shore, if anything happens, you're in for a
+jo-darter of a jolt. Still, the resk don't render the feat imposs'ble,
+an' a brave man disregyards it.'
+
+"'That's whatever,' comments Nell, as, the king fallin' to win, she
+draws down Boggs's reds.
+
+"Thar's no chill on the reception we confers on the Turner person an'
+his Peggy bride. Monte has orders, in case they're aboard, to onlimber
+his shotgun a mile or two outside of camp, so's we gets notice an' is
+not caught off our gyard. For once the old drunkard is faithful to his
+trust, an' when we hears him whangin' away with both bar'ls, we turns
+out, as they say in Noo York, _en masse_. Every gent empties the six
+chambers of his gun as the stage pulls up, an' the Turner person
+he'ps out his Peggy bride into the center of a most joyful foosilade.
+We couldn't have done more if she's the Queen of Sheba.
+
+"The Turner person an' his Peggy bride is in right from the go. Missis
+Rucker declar's that the bride's a lady; Nell proclaims her as 'shore
+corn-fed,' while Tucson Jennie allows she's a whole lot too good for
+sech a jack-rabbit of a husband as she gets.
+
+"Her beauty?
+
+"Which you couldn't say it's calc'lated to blind.
+
+"For mere loveliness she ain't a marker to Nell. To be frank, it's
+somethin' more'n a simple question that a-way if she splits even with
+Tucson Jennie. As for Missis Rucker, that matron bein' past her yooth
+ain't properly speakin' in the runnin', an' to go comparin' her with
+girls would be injestice.
+
+"Once landed, an' havin' escaped from that ovation we prepar's, the
+Turner person an' his Peggy bride moves into the wickeyup okyoopied
+former by Cash Box Billie an' Missis Bill, an' opens up their domestic
+game. Hearin' nothin' to the contrary, no howls of anguish from him,
+no yelps of complaint from her, it's safe to say that in what joys is
+supposed to attend the connoobyal state, they coppers all of them
+loogubrious forebodin's of Texas, an' gets at least as good as a even
+break.
+
+"Old man Parks back at Sni-a-bar?
+
+"It looks like the Turner person, him bein' nacherally timid,
+exaggerates the perils which lurks in that aged cimmaron. Leastwise,
+old Parks don't offer no voylance to him, neither at the weddin' nor
+later. Some waifword does come creepin' along that durin' the cer'mony
+two of the guests has to hold old Parks, an' that he's searched for
+weepons by the preacher before ever said divine consents to turn his
+game at all. Which I'm free to say, however, I never lends no
+creedence to them yarns.
+
+"The Turner person, now he's established as a married gent an' a
+cit'zen in full standin', gives himse'f horn an' hide to business that
+a-way. He's as prompt about openin' his coffin emporium as ever is
+Black Jack in throwin' wide the portals of the Red Light. Once thar,
+he stays ontil the evenin' lamps is lit, layin' for a corpse to use
+his new hearse on.
+
+"Also, the Turner person has hopes: an' equally also he ain't without
+foundations wharon to build. That's an uncle of Armstrong who has come
+totterin' into camp, as he says himse'f, to die. Likewise, it's the
+onbiased view of every gent in the outfit that this reelative of
+Armstrong possesses reasons. He's a walkin' wreck. Peets concedes that
+he's got every malady ever heard of, besides sev'ral as to which
+science is plumb in the dark.
+
+"Nacherally, not alone the Turner person, but the public at large,
+figgers that this yere uncle'll shore furnish employment for the
+hearse, an' at no distant day. But it looks like that onmitigated
+invalid is out to test our patience. Mornin' after mornin' he comes
+scufflin' into the Red Light on two canes to get his matootinal
+nosepaint, an' this he keeps up ontil it begins to look like malice.
+Ree'lizin', too, the pecooliar int'rest we-all is bound to take in him
+onder the circumstances, he puts on airs, an' goes by us when he meets
+us as coldly haughty as a paycar by a tramp. Or, ag'in, he's prone to
+grin at us plenty peevish an' malev'lent, an' this he does partic'lar
+if the Turner person's hoverin' round.
+
+"'Which I shore deespises to keep you boys waitin',' he'd say, with a
+cacklin', aggravatin' laugh; 'but the way I feels it'd be prematoore
+to go greasin' up the hubs of that hearse.'
+
+"Sech taunts he flings forth constant, ontil he comes mighty near
+drivin' Boggs frantic.
+
+"'It seems,' says Boggs, 'like simply livin' ain't good enough for
+that old hoss thief. To be wholly happy he's obleeged to make his stay
+on earth a source of mis'ry to other folks. Which he ought to've been
+in his tomb ten years ago. Every day he draws his breath is so much
+velvet; an', instead of bein' thankful, all he thinks of is makin'
+mean reemarks an' sayin' bitin' things. He'll keep on till some
+over-provoked sport bends a six-shooter on his insultin' head.'
+
+"Weeks of waitin' goes by. Armstrong's old badger of a uncle hangs on,
+an' no outside corpse falls in, Arizona, as you doubtless savvys,
+bein' scand'lously healthy that a-way. So far, too, from any el'g'ble
+subject arrivin' in the usual way, the town never experiences sech a
+period of rippleless an' onruffled peace. As showin', too, how far the
+public is willin' to go to he'p along the play, I need only mention
+that on two o'casions Boggs leaves out his best pony all night,
+himse'f sprawled in behind a mesquite bush with his winchester, hopin'
+some Mexican'll prove weak enough to want it. All is in vain, however.
+Thar we be, framed up to give a fooneral from which Cochise County
+could date time, an' nothin' in the line of raw mater'al wharwith to
+pull it off. Which I never sees the gen'ral feelin' more exasperated.
+It's as though in a sperit of sarcasm our destinies is mockin' us.
+
+"The Turner person, in the face of this yere disheartenin' idleness,
+takes refooge in a trottin' hoss, which form of equine is as strange
+to us as camelopards. Shore, we has our runnin' races, pony ag'inst
+pony, a quarter of a mile dash; but that's as far as we goes.
+
+"The Turner person says that for himse'f he prefers trottin' races,
+an' after seein' him ride once I shore quits marvellin' at that
+pref'rence. You could no more keep him on a pony than you could keep
+him on a red-hot stove. We ties a roll of blankets across the horn of
+the saddle, an' organizes him with buckin' straps besides, an' in the
+face of all them safegyards he rolls off that hoss same as you'd
+expect some chambermaid to do.
+
+"Accordin' to the Turner person, trottin' races is the sport of kings,
+an' actin' on this feelin' he sends back East for a hoss. He drives it
+in one evenin' behind the stage, an' we-all goes over to the corral to
+size it up. It's consid'rable of a hoss, too, standin' three hands
+higher than the tallest of our ponies. Also, it has a ewe neck an'
+lib'ral legs. It's name is 'Henry of Navarre,' but we sees at once
+that sech'll never do, an' re-christens him 'Boomerang Bob.'
+
+"When this hoss arrives Boggs gets excited, an' him an' the Turner
+person lays out a track all around town like a belt. Boggs allows it's
+a mile long, or near enough, an' after a passel of Greasers cl'ars
+away the cactus an' mesquite an' Spanish bayonet, the Turner person
+hooks up Boomerang to a mountain wagon, an' sends him 'round an'
+'round an' 'round at a pace that'd make your eyes stick out so far you
+could see your sins. Old Boomerang is shore some eevanescent! When
+that Turner person shakes the reins an' yells 'Skoot!' you could hear
+him whizz. On sech occasions he's nothin' short of a four-laigged
+meteor, an' looks forty feet long passin' a given p'int.
+
+"The big drawback is that thar ain't no quadrooped anywhar about to
+race Boomerang ag'inst. Leastwise, we don't hear of none for goin' on
+some months, an' when we do it's as far away as Albuquerque. Some
+consumptive tenderfoot, it looks like, has got a trottin' hoss over
+some'ers between Albuquerque an' Socorro, sech at least is the word
+which comes to us.
+
+"When this pulmonary sport hears of Boomerang, which he does by
+virchoo of the overblown boastin's of the Turner person, he announces
+that his hoss, Toobercloses, can beat him for money, marbles or chalk.
+Then comes a season of bluff an' counter-bluff, the pulmonary party
+insistin' that the Turner person bring Boomerang up to Albuquerque,
+an' the Turner person darin' the pulmonary sport to fetch his 'dog,'
+as he scornfully terms Toobercloses, down to Wolfville.
+
+"It's to be said for the Turner person that he'd have shore took
+Boomerang, an' gone romancin' off to Albuquerque, lookin' for that
+weak-lunged reprobate an' his hoss, only sent'ment is plumb ag'inst
+it. We-all don't propose to lose the camp the advantages of that
+contest, an' so to put an eend to discussion, we urges upon the Turner
+person that we-all'll shore kill him if he tries. This yere firmness
+gives us the pref'rence over Albuquerque, an' the pulmonary sport
+allows final that he'll come to Wolfville, but don't say when.
+
+"While eevents is thus a-whirl, an' the camp's all keyed up to concert
+pitch over the comin' race between Boomerang an' Toobercloses, the
+long-hoped for comes to pass an' the Turner person, as fooneral
+director, receives his 'nitial call. Over in Red Dog is a party named
+Holt. He ain't standin' none too high, him havin' married a Mexican
+woman, an' even them Red Dogs has the se'f-respect to draw the social
+line at Mexicans. One sun-up, however, she goes trapesin' across the
+line to visit her people down near Casa Grande, an' she never does
+come back. It looks like she's got enough of old Holt, which to gents
+who knows him don't go trenchin' on the strange.
+
+"The long suit of this yere Mexican wife of old Holt's is thinkin'
+she's sick, she holdin' that she's got as many things the matter with
+her as is preyin' on Armstrong's uncle. When she breaks out of the
+corral an' goes stampedin' off to her tribe, she leaves behind mebby
+it's a hundred bottles or more of patent med'cine, rangin' all the way
+from arnica to ha'r dye.
+
+"Followin' her flight that a-way old Holt goes to takin' an account of
+stock by way of seein' what she cabbages an' what she leaves, an' the
+first flash he blunders upon this yere bushel or so of drugs. He's too
+froogal to throw 'em away, old Holt is, bein' plumb pars'monious that
+a-way, an' after revolvin' the play in his mind for a spell, he ups
+an' swallows 'em to save 'em.
+
+"No one ever does figger out jest what individyooal med'cine bumps
+old Holt off that time, an' thar's no sayin' whether it's the arnica
+or the ha'r dye or some other deecoction, or simply the whole
+clan-jamfrey in comb'nation. Not that any gent goes to reely delvin'
+for the trooth, the gen'ral interest pitchin' camp contentedly on
+the simple fact that old Holt's been shore put over the jump. Doc
+Peets? Old Holt's packed in before the Doc's half way to Red Dog.
+Shore; some of them bottled med'cines is as ack'rate an' as full
+of action as a six-shooter.
+
+"Of course we-all is pleased to think the Turner person, as fooneral
+director, ain't been born to bloom onseen, but the rift in the floote
+is that the corpse belongs to Red Dog. Old Holt ain't ours none, an'
+from whatever angle we looks at it it appears like Wolfville ain't
+goin' to get a look in.
+
+"It's at pinches sech as this that Enright shows his genius for
+leadership. While all of us is lookin' bloo, to see how Red Dog beats
+us to it for our own hearse, our fertile old war chief is ribbin' up a
+game for pop'lar relief.
+
+"The Red Dog del'gation, headed by the Red Dog chief, comes over to
+round up the Turner person an' his hearse to entomb old Holt. At their
+showin' up Enright begins to onkiver his diplomacy.
+
+"'Which we symp'thizes with you-all in your bereevement, gents,' says
+he to the Red Dog bunch, 'but it's ag'inst our rooles for this yere
+hearse to go outside of camp.'
+
+"'Ain't you actin' some niggardly about that hearse?' asks the Red Dog
+chief coldly.
+
+"'Not niggardly, only proodent. Death cometh as a thief in the night,
+speshully in Arizona, an' we-all'd be a fine band of prairie dogs to
+go lendin' our only hearse all over the territory, an' mebby have it
+skallyhootin' 'round som'ers up about the Utah line jest when we needs
+it at home. However, as refootin' your onjest charge of bein'
+niggards, if you-all Red Dogs wants to bring deceased over yere, our
+entire lay-out is at your disposal. Allowin' you can find your own
+sky-pilot, we stands ready to not only let you have our hearse, but
+furnish you likewise with moosic from the Bird Cage Op'ry House,
+cha'rs from the dance hall, the Noo York store to hold serv'ces in, to
+say nothin' to considerin' you-all as our guests from soda to hock,
+with every Red Light thing said term implies.'
+
+"'Also,' observes Peets, who, from his place at Enright's elbow, is
+ridin' circumspect herd on the play--'also, we presents you-all,
+without money an' without price, a sepulcher in our buryin' ground on
+Boot Hill.'
+
+"This yere last provokes a storm of protest, the Red Dog del'gation
+takin' turns exposchoolatin'. But Enright an' the Doc stands ca'mly
+pat.
+
+"'Which now,' says the Red Dog chief, an' his tones is bitter--'which
+now I begins to ketch onto your plot. You savvys as well as I do that
+old Holt don't ought to go into your pile at all. He belongs in our
+pile--to Red Dog's pile. An' let me reemind you intriguers that Red
+Dog owns its own cem'tery over in Headboard Hollow, an' ain't askin'
+graveyard odds of any outfit west of the Spanish Peaks. This is a fine
+idee,' he concloods, turnin' sneerin'ly to his cohorts; 'not content
+with tryin' to grab off these yere obs'quies, they're brazenly
+manooverin' to purloin the corpse.'
+
+"At these contoomelius reemarks Boggs, Tutt, Moore an' Cherokee takes
+to edgin' to the fore, but Enright reepresses 'em with a admon'tory
+wave of his hand.
+
+"'Gents,' he says, to the Red Dog hold-ups, 'as vis'tors, even though
+se'f-invited, you're entitled to courtesy. But thar's a limit goes
+with courtesy even, an' you-all mustn't press it.'
+
+"This last sets the Red Dog outfit back on its apol'getic ha'nches,
+an' after a few more footile but less insultin' bluffs, they retires
+to consult. The wind-up is that they yields to Enright's terms,
+incloosive of Boot Hill, an' after libatin' at the Red Light they
+canters off to freight over old Holt, so's to be ready to hold the
+fooneral next day.
+
+"As I looks back to them prep'rations thar's no denyin' that as a
+fooneral director the Turner person proves himse'f plumb cap'ble of
+gettin' thar with the goods. Once he reeceives the word, everything
+goes off as measured an' steady as the breathin' of a sleepin' child.
+Even the Red Dog chief is moved to softer views, as gents frequent be
+followin' the eighth drink, an' whispers to Enright, confidenshul,
+that when all's in the only thing he deplores is that old Holt is
+bein' planted on Boot Hill instead of in Headboard Hollow. At this
+Enright, meetin' the Red Dog chief half-way, whispers back that later,
+if Red Dog desires the same, we'll jump in an' move old Holt a whole
+lot to Headboard Hollow. At this lib'ral'ty the Red Dog chief squeezes
+Enright's hand a heap fraternal, an' chokes with emotion. He sobs out
+that this is the one thing wanted to reestore them former friendly
+reelations between the camps.
+
+"The procession is one of the most exhil'ratin' pageants ever seen in
+the Southwest. At the head is the ploomed hearse, old Holt inside,
+the Turner person on the box. Next comes the stage coach, Monte
+drivin', an' Nell, Missis Rucker, Tucson Jennie, little Enright Peets,
+the Turner person's Peggy bride an' other ladies inside. The balance
+of us attends on our ponies, ridin' two an' two.
+
+"As we're waitin' for the preacher sharp, who's goin' in the stage, to
+get tucked in among the ladies, a hollow-chested, chalk-cheeked,
+sardonic-lookin', cynical-seemin' bandit, drivin' a lean-laigged hoss
+to one of them spid'ry things they calls a quill-wheel, comes
+pirootin' along over to one side of the fooneral cortege at a walk.
+He's p'intin' in from over Red Dog way, but I savvys from the
+wonderin' faces of them Red Dog sports that he's as new to them as us.
+The cynical bandit skirts along our procession ontil he's abreast of
+the hearse. Then he pulls up, we-all not havin' had the word to start
+as yet.
+
+"The Turner person has hooked up old Boomerang to the hearse, so as to
+confer on this his first fooneral all the style he can. Havin' halted
+his quill-wheel, the hectic bandit, coughin' a little, p'ints his whip
+at Boomerang an' says to the Turner person:
+
+"'Is this the skate you're tryin' to match ag'inst my Toobercloses?'
+
+"'Grizzly b'ars an' golden eagles!' exclaims Boggs, who's ridin' next
+to me, 'if he ain't that lunger from Albuquerque!' An' Boggs pulls out
+to the left, an' crowds up towards the hearse for a closer look.
+
+"'As fooneral director,' the Turner person replies to the hectic,
+quill-wheel bandit, whom he fathoms instantly--'as fooneral director,
+I must preeserve the decorums. But only you wait, you onblushin'
+outlaw, ontil I've patted down the sods on old Holt yere, an' I'll
+race you for every splinter you own.'
+
+"'That's all right,' retorts the hectic bandit, givin' another little
+cat-cough. 'Which you needn't get your ondertakin' back up none.
+Meanwhile, I'll nacherally string along with these obs'quies, so's to
+be ready to talk turkey to you when you're through.'
+
+"Enright gives the signal an', with Boomerang an' the hearse at the
+head, the procession lines out at a seedate walk for the grave.
+
+"Boot Hill's been located about a mile an' a half off, so as to give
+our foonerals doo effect. As we pushes for'ard, everything mighty
+solemn, the hectic bandit, keepin' a few feet off to one side, walks
+his hoss parallel with the hearse. Every now an' then his hoss, makin'
+a half bolt as if he's been flicked by the lash, would streak ahead a
+rod or two like a four-laigged shadow. Then he'd pull him down to a
+walk, an' sort o' linger along ontil the hearse comes up ag'in. He
+does this a half dozen times; an' all in a hectorin' sperit that'd
+anger the pulseless soul of a clam.
+
+"One way an' another it stirs up the feelin's of old Boomerang, who's
+beginnin' to bite at the bit an' throw his laigs some antic an'
+permiscus. The Turner person himse'f acts like a party who's holdin'
+onto his eemotions by the tail, so as to keep 'em from breakin' loose.
+His face is set, his elbows squar'd, an' he's settin' up on his hearse
+as stiff an' straight as a rifle bar'l, lookin' dead ahead between old
+Boomerang's two y'ears. So it goes on for likely half a mile, the
+hectic bandit seesawin' an' pesterin' an' badgerin' old Boomerang, now
+dartin' ahead, now slowin' back to let the hearse ketch up.
+
+"As I yeretofore explains, the Turner person ain't arranged mental to
+entertain more'n one idee at a time. My own notion is that as the
+hectic bandit, with Toobercloses, commences to encroach more an' more
+upon his attention, he loses sight that a-way of old Holt an' the
+fooneral. Whatever the valyoo of this as a theery, thar comes a
+moment, about a mile from Boot Hill, when, as sudden as the crack of a
+rifle, away goes Boomerang with the rush of a norther. Toobercloses
+ain't a second behind. Thar they be, Toobercloses ag'inst Boomerang,
+quill-wheel ag'inst hearse, old Holt inside, racin' away to beat a
+royal flush.
+
+"As hearse an' quill-wheel go t'arin' down the trail Monte gets the
+fever, an' sets to pourin' the buckskin into his three span, an'
+yellin' like forty Apaches. The six hosses goes into their collars
+like lions, an' the stage takes to rockin' an' boundin' an' bumpin' in
+clost pursoote of the hearse. Nor be we-all on ponies left any behind,
+you bet. We cuts loose, quirt an' spur, an' brings up the r'ar in a
+dust-liftin', gallopin' half-moon. It's ondoubted the quickest-movin'
+fooneral that ever gets pulled off.
+
+"Old Holt, an' put it lightest, is a one hundred an' eighty pounder,
+an' the hearse itse'f is as heavy as a Studebaker wagon. From
+standp'ints of weight pore old Boomerang ain't gettin' a squar' deal.
+Which the old hero ain't got no notion of bein' beat, though. He's all
+heart an' bottom; an', game?--bald hornets is quitters to him!
+
+"The load begins to tell at last, though, an' inch by inch Toobercloses
+starts to nose Boomerang out. It's then the flood-gates is lifted.
+Nell, head out of one of the coach windows, starts screamin' to
+Boomerang; Missis Rucker's got her sunbonnet out of another,
+expressin' her opinion of the hectic bandit an' Toobercloses; Tucson
+Jennie is shoutin' for Dave to come an' rescue her; the Turner
+person's Peggy is shriekin' with hysterics; the preacher sharp--who's
+tryin' to get at Monte--is talkin' scriptoorally but various, while
+little Enright Peets is contreebutin' his small cub-coyote yelps of
+exultation to the gen'ral racket.
+
+"Back among us riders the bets is flyin' hither an' yon as thick as
+swallow birds at eventide, we offerin' hundreds on Boomerang an' them
+Red Dogs backin' Toobercloses. It's as the tech of death to the
+Wolfville heart when we sees Toobercloses slowly surgin' to the fore.
+
+[Illustration: THAR'S A BOMBARDMENT WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A BATTERY OF
+GATLINGS, THE WHOLE PUNCTCHOOATED BY A WHIRLWIND OF "WHOOPS!" p. 317.]
+
+"Half-way to Boot Hill Boggs spurs up on the nigh flank of Boomerang.
+
+"'Yere's whar we puts a little verve into this thing!' he roars; an'
+pullin' his guns he begins shakin' the loads out of 'em like roman
+candles.
+
+"Wolfville an' Red Dog, every gent follows Boggs' example. It sounds
+like a battery of gattlings, the whole punctchooated by a whirlwind of
+'Whoops!' that'd have backed a war party of Apaches over a bluff. They
+almost hears us in Tucson.
+
+"Old Boomerang reesponds noble to Boggs's six-shooters. They was the
+preecise kind of encouragement he's been waitin' for, an' onder their
+inspiration he t'ars by Toobercloses like a thrown lance. We sweeps on
+to Boot Hill, makin' a deemoniac finish, old Boomerang leadin' by the
+len'th of the hearse.
+
+"Nobody's hurt, onless you wants to count that hectic bandit from
+Albuquerque. After he's beat cold, Toobercloses gets tangled up
+accidental in a mesquite bush, the quill-wheel swaps eends with
+itse'f, an' the hectic Albuquerque bandit lands head on in a bunch of
+cactus. He's shore a spectacle; an' Peets says private that for a
+while thar's hopes he'll die. As for the parson, who's the sorest
+divine in Arizona, he allows that the only bet he ever knows
+prov'dence to overlook is not breakin' the hectic bandit's neck.
+
+"Nacherally, the Red Dogs feels some grouchy at the way things has
+gone, an' while they gives up their orig'nal thought of lynchin' the
+hectic bandit, they're plenty indignant at him for turnin' old Holt's
+fooneral into a hoss race. It ain't old Holt that's frettin' 'em so
+much as that they feels like it's a disgrace on their camp.
+
+"This yere Red Dog feelin' prodooces a onlooked for effect. They goes
+gloomin' an' glowerin' 'round, an' talkin' to themselves to sech a
+hostile extent it ups an' scares the Turner person. Plumb timid by
+nacher, he gets afraid the Red Dogs' indignation'll incloode him
+final, an' eend by drawin' their horns his way. It's no use tryin' to
+ca'm him. Argyooment, reemonstrance, even a promise to protect him
+with our lives, has no effect. The Turner person, in a last stampede
+of his nerve, is for dustin' back to Missouri--him an' his Peggy
+bride. He says it's more peaceful, more civ'lized thar, which shore
+strikes us as a heap jocose. In the end, however, we has to let him
+go.
+
+"The hearse?
+
+"We keeps the hearse, that an' Boomerang; Armstrong's uncle buys 'em.
+He says he don't aim to be sep'rated none from the only hearse within
+a hundred miles, an' him on the verge of the grave.
+
+"'Which my only reason for livin' now,' says he, 'is to lac'rate
+Boggs, an' even that as a pastime is beginnin' to pall.'
+
+"What time does Boomerang make?
+
+"No one preetends to hold a watch. Thar's one thing, though, which
+looks like he was shore goin' some. Tutt on the way back picks up a
+dead jack-rabbit, that's been run over by the hearse."
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+SPELLING BOOK BEN
+
+
+"Which it's as you states." The old cattleman assumed the easy
+attitude of one sure of his position. "Reefinement, that a-way, will
+every now an' then hit the center of the table in manner an' form most
+onexpected. Thar's Red Dog. Now whoever do you reckon would look for
+sech a oncooth outfit to go onbeltin' in any reefined racket? An' yet
+thar's once at least when Red Dog shows it's got its silken side.
+
+"An', after all, mebby I'm too narrow about Red Dog. Thar's times
+when I fears that drawn aside by prejewdyce I misjedges Red Dog
+utter, an' takes for ignorant vulgar'ty what comin' down to cases is
+merely noise. It's the whiskey they drinks, most likely. They're
+addicted to a kind of cat-bird whiskey over thar, which sets 'em to
+whistlin' an' chirpin' an' twitterin' an' teeterin' up an' down on
+the conversational bough, to sech a seemin'ly empty-headed extent it's
+calc'lated to mislead the ca'mest intellects into a belief that the
+c'rrect way to deal with Red Dog is to build one of these yere
+stone corrals 'round it, call it a loonatic asylum, an' let it go at
+that.
+
+"Wolfville's whiskey?
+
+"We-all confines ourselves to Valley Tan an' Willow Run an' Old
+Jordan, all lickers which has a distinct tendency to make a gent
+seedate, an' render him plumb cer'monious. I in no wise exaggerates
+when I avers that I freequent cuts the trail of parties who, after the
+tenth or mebby it's the 'leventh drink across the Red Light bar, waxes
+that punctillious they even addresses a measly Mexican as 'Sir.'
+
+"Recurrin' to Red Dog, that silken occasion which I has in mind occurs
+when, proceedin' without invitation an' wholly as volunteers, they
+strings up the book-keep sharp who bumps off Spellin' Book Ben. Thar's
+a brief moment when said action runs a profound risk of bein'
+misconstrooed into becomin' the teemin' source of complications. You
+see we ain't lookin' for nothin' in the way of a play from Red Dog
+more del'cate than the butt of a six-shooter, an' it ain't ontil the
+Red Dog chief himse'f onlimbers in planations, an' all plenty loocid,
+that we ketches fully on.
+
+"Red Dog goes further an' insists on payin' over what money they
+wagers, an' all as honorable as though that contest which they bets on
+goes to a showdown. Enright won't have it, though, none whatever; an'
+what with one side heatedly profferin' an' the other coldly refoosin',
+it looks for a time like thar's goin' to be feelin'. Friction is
+averted, however, when Peets--who's allers thar with the s'lootion to
+any tangle--recommends that Red Dog an' Wolfville chip in half an'
+half conj'intly, to buy a tombstone for Spellin' Book, with a
+inscription kyarved tharon, the same to read:
+
+                          TO
+                      THE MEMORY OF
+                    SPELLING BOOK BEN.
+                  PREFERRING DEATH TO THE
+                  APPEARANCE OF IGNORANCE,
+                        HE DIED
+                  A MARTYR TO LEARNING AND
+                        BRAVELY
+                  DEFENDING A RIGHTFUL ORTHOGRAPHY.
+                   THE LANGUAGE MOURNS
+                       HIS LOSS.
+
+"'Which we simply aims by this yere hangin',' says the Red Dog chief
+in makin' them explanations, the same bein' addressed to Enright, 'to
+save you-all from a disagree'ble dooty.'
+
+"'As how?' deemands Enright, who's a heap deefensive by instinct, an'
+never puts down his stack while the kyards is in the hands of the
+dealer.
+
+"'As how to wit,' returns the Red Dog chief. 'Troo, this book-keep
+malefactor ain't by rights no shore-enough Red Dogger, seein' he's a
+importation of the express company's an' at best or worst no more'n a
+sojourner within our gates. But, considerin' how he trails in yere
+this evenin' in our company, we feels respons'ble. Wharfore, allowin'
+that mebby--you-all standin' towards us visitors, that a-way, in the
+light of hosts--your notion of hospital'ty gets its spurs tangled up
+in your deelib'rations so it impedes the march of jestice, we
+intervenes. Which I shorely trusts that no gent present regyards Red
+Dog as that ontaught as to go cuttin' in on what's cl'arly a alien
+game onasked. Red Dog ain't quite that exyooberantly bumptious, not to
+say croodly gay. It's only to relieve the shoulders of you-all from a
+burden that we strings said offender up.'
+
+"'_Bueno!_' replies Enright, followin' a dignified pause, like he's
+weighin' the Red Dog chief's eloocidations. 'A gent, onless his hand
+is crowded by some p'int of honor, allers takes the word of a fellow
+gent. In view of which, the execootion you pulls off is yereby
+accepted as kindly meant, an' as sech is kindly took. I'm preepared on
+behalf of Wolfville to regyard the same as performed in a sperit of
+del'cate courtesy. Whatever, Doc, do you-all say?'
+
+"'Like yourse'f, Sam,' says Peets, 'I grasps an' a'preeciates the Red
+Dog attitoode. Also, I holds that the business thus constrooed is
+calc'lated to cement relations between the two camps which, havin'
+their roots in mutyooal esteem, is shore to b'ar froote in fraternal
+affection.'
+
+"The Doc then goes on an' onbends in flatterin' asshorances that
+nothin' could be finer worded than the Red Dog chief's oration, onless
+it's Enright's reply.
+
+"'As a jedge of diction,' he concloods, 'an' a lover of proper
+speakin', I'm onreserved in the view that the statements of both ought
+to be preeserved as spec'mens of English ondeefiled.'
+
+"Thar havin' been talk enough, an' Enright an' Peets contendin' that
+it's Wolfville's treat, both sides goes weavin' over to the Red Light
+an' onbends in quite a frolic.
+
+"It'd shore been better if we had first cut down the corpse, an'
+tharby dodged the wrath of Missis Rucker. It's certainly a oversight.
+Bar that single incident, thar arises nothin' to mar the good feelin'
+which everywhar preevails. Forchoonately, that don't occur none ontil
+noon next day; an' by that time the Red Dog folks has all gone home,
+leastwise all who can go without fallin' out of the saddle. Which if
+them Red Dogs is present, an' able to form opinions, them intemp'rate
+exhibitions of Missis Rucker, an' what she says an' threatens ag'inst
+us, speshully Enright, would have mortified us to death.
+
+"As showin' the vagaries of the female mind, Missis Rucker seelects
+that lynchin' as a topic at chuck time, an' she shore does carry on
+scand'lous. We ain't but jest filed into the dinin' room, when she
+t'ars loose at Enright like a cyclone in a calico dress. Son, she
+certainly does curry our old Lycurgus frightful!
+
+"What does Enright do?
+
+"Whatever can he do more'n mootely arch his back, same as a mule in a
+storm of hail, an' stand it?
+
+"When Missis Rucker has done freed her feelin's, an' got them
+reecrim'nations dealt down to the turn, she shakes a finger onder
+Enright's subdooed nose, an' fulm'nates a warnin'.
+
+"'I tells you once before, Sam Enright,' she says, 'an' I tells you
+now ag'in, that you-all drunkards is either goin' to cease pesterin'
+me the way you does, or I'm bound I'll make some among you plenty hard
+to locate. Now don't you go tellin' me nothin',' she shouts, as
+Enright starts to say somethin'; 'don't go harrowin' me up with none
+of your fabrications. It's nothin' but your egreegious pompos'ty that
+a-way, an' a gen'ral deesire to put on dog an' lord it over us pore
+females with meals to cook an' water to draw, which sets you-all to
+hangin' parties to the windmill whar they're plumb in the way. An' all
+after me takin' my hands out of the dough, too, the time you
+Stranglers puts that B'ar Creek Stanton over the jump, an' goin' in
+person to the stage corral to p'int out a beam which is a heap better
+adapted.'
+
+"'But, ma'am,' expostyoolates Enright, 'you've done followed off the
+wrong wagon track entire. It ain't us none; it's them Red Dog savages.
+So far as Wolfville's concerned, him bein' swung to the windmill, that
+a-way, is plumb fortooitous.'
+
+"'Jest the same,' returns Missis Rucker, who's merciless an' refooses
+to be softened, 'you better take heed a heap. This once I lets you get
+away with that Red Dog crawl-out. But if ever I finds another party
+suspended to the windmill so's I can't get no water, thar's a passel
+of sots, of whom you, Sam Enright, is the onregen'rate chief, who'll
+shore get their grub fortooitous.'
+
+"Peets, at this yere crisis, jogs Enright's elbow, by way of signin'
+up to him to draw out; an', except from her domineerin' over Rucker
+more'n common for a couple of days, she ceases her demonstrations.
+
+"Not but what Missis Rucker has some rights on her side. What with
+feedin' forty of us folks three times a day, she's got a lot on her
+mind; an' to find some sooperfluous sport hangin' in her way, when she
+goes to fill her bucket, necessar'ly chafes her.
+
+"An' yet the Stranglers is up ag'inst it, too. Hangin' a culprit,
+dooly convicted, is a public game; an' the windmill's the only piece
+of public property in sight, besides bein' centrally sityooated. Also,
+thar's nothin' in that corral bluff of Missis Rucker's. The beam she
+alloodes to ain't big enough, an' is likewise too low.
+
+"Boggs, who sympathizes with Missis Rucker, once when we has a hoss
+thief we don't need on our hands, su'gests we rope him up to the sign
+over Armstrong's Noo York store. But thar's rival trade interests, an'
+Enright fears it'll be took invidious as a covert scheme for drawin'
+custom to Armstrong's emporium.
+
+"'Personally,' says Enright, 'I favors Dan's idee. But since
+Armstrong's a member of the committee, you-all sees yourselves that
+for us to go execootin' culprits on his sign that a-way, the direct
+effects of which distinguishes him an' booms his game, would shore
+breed jealousies.'
+
+"'How would it do,' asks Texas, 'if we takes them marts seeriatim,
+an' one after another yootilizes all their signs?'
+
+"'With doo deference to Texas,' interjecks Tutt, 'this swingin' round
+from sign to sign, with deeds of jestice, is a heap likely to subtract
+from the deterrent effects. It's better we stick to the windmill, an'
+takes chances on beddin' them resentments of Missis Rucker's down.'
+
+"'That's all right for you, Dave,' retorts Boggs; 'you're a married
+man, an' eats at home. You wouldn't feel so plumb gala about quietin'
+Missis Rucker if you-all was obleeged diurnal to depend upon that
+easily exasperated matron for your _frijoles_, same as us. Tucson
+Jennie's the best cook in Cochise County, an', bein' her husband that
+a-way, you ain't in no place to jedge.'
+
+"'Dan's right, Dave,' declar's Peets; 'surrounded as you be, you can't
+sense our peril, that is, sense it proper. Admirable as Tucson Jennie
+is as wife an' mother, an' I says this onbiased by bein' one of two
+after whom little Enright Peets is named, she's still more admirable
+in her role of cook. For which reason, Dave, you-all, when Missis
+Rucker threatens us, ain't able, as Dan says, to rightly gauge said
+menaces.'
+
+"Them coolinary compliments to Tucson Jennie placates Tutt. He's half
+started to bow his neck at Boggs, but they mollifies him.
+
+"'Mighty likely you're correct, Doc,' he returns, his face cl'arin';
+'an' I begs Dan's pardon for some things I was goin' to say. My wife
+is shore an exempl'ry cook, an' mebby I ain't no fit jedge. None the
+less, you-all'll find, as to them hangin's, that this yere goin' about
+from pillar to post with 'em is doo to rob 'em of their moral side.'
+
+"'I feels like Dave,' observes Enright, comin' in on the pow-wow.
+'Lynchin's, to have weight an' be a credit to us, ought not to be
+erratic. A lack of reg'larity about 'em would shake our standin' as a
+camp.'
+
+"Monte starts the business that time when Red Dog astounds us with its
+del'cacy, by comin' bulgin' in one evenin' with word about how the
+leadin' inflooences in Tucson is broke out in a perfect deebauch of
+spellin' schools.
+
+"'An' I'm yere to remark,' says he, in his conceited, rum-soaked way,
+'that these yere contests contreebootes a mighty meetropol'tan
+atmosphere.'
+
+"'Who orig'nates spellin' schools, anyway?' asks Boggs, whose
+curiosity is allers at half-cock. 'Which it's the first time I hears
+of sech things.'
+
+"'Spellin' schools ain't nothin' new,' Peets replies. 'They're as
+common as deelirum treemons in the East.'
+
+"'Which they certainly be,' corroborates Enright. 'Back along the
+Cumberland, as far away as when I'm a boy, we has 'em constant same as
+chills an' fever. We-all young bucks attends 'em mighty loyal, too,
+an' fights to see who-all goes home with the girls. When it comes to
+bein' pop'lar, spellin' schools is a even break with gander
+pullin's.'
+
+"'Thar's a Tucson kyard sharp,' continyoos Monte, 'over to the
+Oriental s'loon, who tells me them spellin' schools is likewise all
+the rage in Prescott an' Benson an' Silver City. That Lightnin' Bug
+tarrapin' from Red Dog is loafin' about, too, while the kyard sharp's
+talkin', his y'ears a-wavin' like a field of clover. You don't figger
+thar's a chance that Red Dog gets the notion, Sam, an' takes to
+holdin' them tournaments of learnin' itse'f?'
+
+"What Monte says sets us thinkin'. As a roole we don't pay much heed
+to his observations, the same bein' freequent born of alcohol. But
+that bluff about Red Dog sort o' scares us up a lot. Good can come out
+of Nazareth, an' even Monte might once in a while drive the center as
+a matter of luck.
+
+"'It wouldn't do us, Doc,' says Enright, who's made some oneasy by the
+thought--'which it shore wouldn't do us, as an advanced camp, to let
+Red Dog beat us to them spellin' schools.'
+
+"'I should confess as much!' admits Peets, mighty emphatic. 'Speakin'
+from commoonal standp'ints, it'd mark us as too dead to skin.'
+
+"The sityooation takes shape in a resolootion to hold a spellin'
+school ourselves, an' invite Red Dog to stand in. Sech steps is
+calc'lated, we allows, to head off orig'nal action on the Red Dog
+part.
+
+"'Let's challenge 'em to spell ag'in us,' says Texas. 'That's shore to
+stop 'em from holdin' spellin' schools of their own, an' it'll be as
+simple as tailin' steers to down 'em. I'll gamble what odds you
+please that, when it comes to edyoocation that a-way, we can make them
+Red Dogs look like a bunch of Digger Injuns.'
+
+"'Don't move your stack to the center on that proposition, Texas,'
+observes Tutt, 'ontil you thoroughly skins your hand. Edyoocation
+ain't wholly dead in Red Dog. Thar's a shorthorn over thar, him who
+keeps books for the Wells-Fargo folks, who's edyoocated to a razor
+edge.'
+
+"'Him?' says Boggs. 'That murderer ain't no book sharp speshul. Put
+him ag'in the Doc or Col'nel Sterett, an' he wouldn't last as long as
+a quart of whiskey at a barn raisin'. Which he's a heap sight better
+fitted to shine in a gun-play than a spellin' contest.'
+
+"'But Col'nel Sterett ain't here none,' Tutt urges, 'havin' gone back
+to see his folks; an' as for the Doc, he'll be needed to put out the
+words. Some competent gent's got to go back of the box an' deal the
+game, an' the Doc's the only stoodent in town who answers that
+deescription.'
+
+"Armstrong, who's happened along lookin' for his little old forty
+drops, lets on he knows a party down in El Paso who can spell any
+word that ever lurks between the covers of a dictionary.
+
+"'That's straight,' Armstrong declar's. 'This yere El Paso savant can
+spell anything. Which I've seen him spell the hind shoes off a
+shavetail mule for the drinks. He's the boss speller of the Rio
+Grande, so much so they calls him "Spellin' Book Ben."'
+
+"'Let's rope him up,' Peets suggests. 'Which them Red Dogs never will
+quit talkin' if we-all lets 'em down us.'
+
+"'Do you-all reckon,' asks Enright, appealin' to Armstrong, 'you could
+lure that El Paso expert up yere to partic'pate in this battle of the
+intellects?'
+
+"'It's as easy as playin' seven-up,' Armstrong replies. 'Which I'll
+write him I needs his aid to count up the stock in my store, an' you
+bet he'll come a-runnin'.'
+
+"'But s'ppose,' argues Tutt, 'these Red Dog crim'nals wakes up to it
+that this yere Spellin' Book Ben's a ringer?'
+
+"'In that event,' declar's Texas, 'we retorts by beltin' 'em over the
+heads with our guns. Be they, as guests, to go dictatin' terms to
+us?'
+
+"'Not onless they're tired of life,' says Boggs. 'While I can't spell
+none to speak of, seein' my Missouri youth is more or less neglected
+by my folks, showin' some Red Dog felon whar he's in wrong is duck
+soup to me. In a play like that I sees my way triumphant.'
+
+"'Shore!' Texas insists, mighty confident; 'let Red Dog wag one feeble
+y'ear, an' we buffaloes it into instant submission.'
+
+"'They can't make no objections stick,' Enright observes, after
+thinkin' things over. 'This Spellin' Book Ben person'll be workin' for
+Armstrong, an' that, as the Doc says, makes him a _pro tem._ citizen
+of the camp. As sech he's plumb legit'mate. Red Dog couldn't lower its
+horns at him as a hold-out, even if it would.'
+
+"It's settled, an' from then on thar's nothin' talked of but spellin'
+schools. We issues our deefiance, Peets b'arin' the same, an' Red Dog
+promptly calls our bluff. Regyardin' themselves as entrenched in that
+gifted Wells-Fargo book-keep, they're mighty eager for the fray. The
+_baile_ is set two weeks away, with Peets to hold the spellin' book.
+
+"After the time is fixed Monte comes squanderin' along an' gets
+Enright to move it one day further on.
+
+"'Because, Sam,' the old sot urges, puffin' out his chest like he
+amounts to somethin', 'that partic'lar evenin' you pitches upon I'll
+be at the other end of the route, an' I proposes to get in on this
+yere contest some myse'f.'
+
+"'You?' says Boggs, who overhears him, an' is nacherally astonished
+an' contempchoous at Monte's nerve. 'Whatever be you-all talkin'
+about? You can't spell none no more than me. The first word the Doc
+names'll make you look like a pig at church.'
+
+"'All the same'--for Monte's been drinkin', an' allers gets stubborn
+in direct proportion to what licker he tucks onder his belt--'all the
+same, Dan, as to this yere spellin', I proposes to ask for kyards.
+Even if I ain't no Bach'lor of Arts, so long as the Doc don't fire
+nothin' at me worse'n words of one syllable, an' don't send 'em along
+faster than two at a clatter, your Uncle Monte'll get thar, collars
+creakin', chains a-rattlin', with both hoofs.'
+
+[Illustration: "ONLESS GIRLS IS BARRED," DECLARES FARO NELL, FROM HER
+PERCH ON THE CHAIR "I'VE A NOTION TO TAKE A HAND." p. 337.]
+
+"Red Dog not only accepts our challenge, but gets that brash it offers
+to bet. Shore, we closes with the prop'sition. It ain't no part of our
+civic economy to let Red Dog get by with anything. I reckons, up one
+side an' down the other, we puts up the price of eight hundred steers.
+Texas and Boggs simply goes all spraddled out at it, while Cherokee
+calls down one eboolient Red Dog specyoolator for three thousand
+dollars. It's Wolfville ag'inst Red Dog, the roole to govern, 'Miss
+an' out!'
+
+"The excitement even reaches the gentler sect.
+
+"'Which onless girls is barred,' declar's Nell, speakin' from her
+lookout cha'r the second evenin' before the spellin' school is held,
+'I've a notion to take a hand.'
+
+"'It wouldn't be a squar' deal, Nellie,' says Texas. 'With you in,
+everybody'd miss a-purpose.'
+
+"'I don't see why none,' says Nell.
+
+"'For two reasons; first, because you're dazzlin'ly beautiful; an',
+second, because Cherokee's too good a shot.'
+
+"'Shore,' says Boggs, plantin' a stack of reds open on the high kyard.
+'Them contestants'd all lay down to you, Nellie. You certainly don't
+reckon Cherokee'd set thar, him all framed up with a Colt's .45, an'
+be that ongallant as to permit some clown to spell you down?'
+
+"Nell don't insist, an' the turn fallin' 'king-jack,' she nacherally
+moves Boggs's reds to the check-rack.
+
+"On the great evenin' Red Dog comes surgin' in upon us, snortin' an'
+prancin' an' pitchin'. Which it certainly is a confident band of
+prairie dogs. Wolfville's organized and ready, Armstrong's Spellin'
+Book Ben party havin' come over from El Paso three days prior.
+
+"Seein' how mighty se'f-possessed them Red Dogs feel, Boggs begins to
+grow nervous.
+
+"'You don't reckon, Dave,' says he, speakin' to Tutt, 'that them
+miscreents has got anything up their sleeve?--any little thing like a
+ace buried?'
+
+"'Which they wouldn't dare. Also, since you brings the matter up, Dan,
+I now gives notice that for myse'f I shall regyard success on their
+part as absoloote proof of perfidy. That settled, I sacks that hamlet
+of Red Dog, an' plows an' sows its deboshed site with salt.'
+
+"'That's the talk!' says Boggs. 'Let 'em win once, an' you an' me,
+Dave,'ll caper over in our individyooal capac'ty, an' lay waste that
+Red Dog hamlet if it's the last act of our lives.'
+
+"The spellin' school is schedjooled for the r'ar wareroom of the Noo
+York store, whar the Stranglers convenes. All Red Dog is thar,
+dressed up like a hoss, their Wells-Fargo book-keep in their exultant
+midst. Enright calls the meetin' to order with the butt of his
+six-shooter; our old warchief allers uses his gun as a gavel that
+a-way, as lookin' more offishul. Also, since the dooty of a
+presidin' officer is to preserve order, it's in line to begin with a
+show--not too ondecorous--of force.
+
+"Enright states the object of the gatherin', an' Peets, spellin' book
+in hand, swings into the saddle an' in a moment is off at a road gait.
+The words falls thick an' sharp, like the crackin' of a rifle. Which
+they shore does thin out them contestants plenty rapid! Boggs goes
+down before 'Theery,' spellin' it with a extra 'e.' Tutt lasts through
+three fires, but is sent curlin' like a shot jack-rabbit by 'Epitaph,'
+which he ends with a 'f.' Texas dies on 'Definite,' bein' misled by
+what happens to Tutt into introdoocin' tharin a sooperfluous 'ph.'
+
+"'I ain't none astonished,' Texas says sadly, when Peets informs him
+that he's in the diskyard; 'since ever my former Laredo wife acquires
+that divorce, together with al'mony an' the reestoration of her maiden
+name, the same bein' Suggs, I ain't been the onerrin' speller I once
+was.'
+
+"Cherokee has luck, an' lasts for quite a time. It's the 'leventh word
+that fetches him. An' at that thar's a heap to be said on the side of
+Cherokee.
+
+"The word's 'Capitol,' as Peets lets it fly.
+
+"'C-a-p-i-t-a-l,' spells Cherokee.
+
+"'Dead bird!' Peets says, plenty sententious.
+
+"'Whatever kind o' capital?'
+
+"'Capitol of a State.'
+
+"'Then I misonderstands you. Which I takes it you're referrin' to a
+bankroll.'
+
+"The Doc, however, is obdoorate, an' Cherokee shoves back.
+
+"'I think,' says Nell, whisperin' to Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie,
+who, with little Enright Peets, is off to one side--'I think the Doc's
+a mighty sight too contracted in his scope.'
+
+"Monte falls by the wayside on 'Scenery,' an' is that preepost'rous
+he starts to give Peets an argyooment. Monte spells it 'Seenry.'
+
+"'Whar do you-all get your licence, Doc,' he demands, when Peets tells
+him how it's spelled, 'to jam in that misfit "c"? Me havin' drove
+stage for twenty years, I've seen as much scenery as any gent present,
+an' should shore know how it's spelled. Scenery is what you sees.
+"S-e-e" spells see; an' tharfore I contends that "S-e-e-n-r-y" spells
+scenery. That "c" you springs on us, Doc, is a solecism, an' as much
+out of place as a cow on a front porch.'
+
+"Enright raps Monte down. '"Scenery" is spelled any way which the Doc
+says,' declar's Enright, his eye some severe, 'an' I trusts no gent'll
+compel the cha'r to take measures.'
+
+"'Say no more,' responds Monte, plenty humble and prompt. 'What I
+urges is only to 'licit information. I still thinks, however, that
+onder the gen'ral wellfare clause of the constitootion, an' with an
+onfenced alphabet to pick an' choose from, a sport ought to have the
+inalienable right to spell things the way he likes. Otherwise,
+whatever is the use of callin' this a free country? If a gent's to be
+compelled to spell scenery with a fool "c," I asks you why was
+Yorktown an' wharfore Bunker Hill?'
+
+"Monte, havin' thus onloaded, reetires to the r'ar, coverin' his
+chagrin by hummin' a stanzy or two from the well-known ditty, 'Bill,
+of Smoky Hill.'
+
+                 Bill driv three spans of hosses,
+                   An' when Injuns hove in sight,
+                 He'd holler "Fellers, give 'em hell!
+                   I ain't got time to fight."
+
+                 But he chanced one time to run ag'in
+                   A bullet made of lead,
+                 An' when they brung Bill into town,
+                   A bar'l of tears was shed.
+
+"While Texas an' Boggs an' Tutt an' Cherokee an' Monte an' the rest of
+the Wolfville outfit is fallin' like November's leaves, them Red Dog
+bandits is fadin' jest as fast. If anything, they're fadin' faster.
+They're too p'lite or too proodent to cavil at the presence of
+Spellin' Book Ben, an' by third drink time after we starts thar's no
+gents left standin' except that Wells-Fargo book-keep sharp for Red
+Dog, an' Spellin' Book for us. It's give an' take between 'em for
+mebby one hundred words, an' neither so much as stubs his orthographic
+toe.
+
+"The evenin' w'ars into what them poets calls the 'small hours.'
+Missis Rucker is wearily battin' her eyes, while little Enright Peets
+is snorin' guinea-pig snores in Tucson Jennie's lap.
+
+"Thar comes a pause for Black Jack to pass the refreshments, an' Nell
+takes advantage of the lull.
+
+"'Hopin' no one,' says Nell, 'will think us onp'lite, we ladies will
+retire. Jedgin' from the way little Enright Peets sounds, not to
+mention how I feels or Missis Rucker looks, it's time we weaker
+vessels hits the blankets.'
+
+"'Yes, indeed,' adds Missis Rucker, smothering a yawn with her hand;
+'I'd certainly admire to stay a whole lot, but rememberin' the hour I
+thinks, like Nellie, that we-all ladies better pull our freight.'
+
+"Enright settin' the example, we gents stands up while the ladies
+withdraws, little Enright Peets bein' drug along between Nell an'
+Tucson Jennie plumb inert.
+
+"Peets resoomes his word-callin', an' them two heroes spells on for a
+hour longer.
+
+"At last, however, the Wells-Fargo book-keep sharp commences to turn
+shaky; the pressure's beginnin' to tell. As for Spellin' Book Ben,
+he's as steady as a church.
+
+"'By the grave of Moses, Dan,' Tutt whispers to Boggs, 'that Red Dog
+imposter's on the brink of a stampede.'
+
+"Peets gives out 'colander'; it's Spellin' Book Ben's turn. As he
+starts to whirl his verbal loop the Red Dog adept whips out his gun,
+an' jams it ag'inst Spellin' Book's ribs.
+
+"'Spell it with a "u,"' says the Red Dog sharp, 'or I'll shore send
+you shoutin' home to heaven! Which I've stood all of your dad-binged
+eryoodition my nerves is calk'lated to endoore.'
+
+"Spellin' Book Ben's game, game as yaller wasps. With the cold muzzle
+of that book-keep murderer's hint to the onconverted pushin' into his
+side, he never flickers.
+
+"'C-o,' he begins.
+
+"But that's as far as he ever gets. Thar's a dull roar, an' pore
+Spellin' Book comes slidin' from his learned perch. It's done so
+quick that not even Jack Moore has time to hedge a stack down the
+other way.
+
+"'It's too late, Doc,' says pore Spellin' Book, as Peets stoops over
+him; 'he gets me all right.' Then he rolls a gen'ral eye on all.
+'Gents,' he says, 'don't send my remainder back to El Paso. Boot Hill
+does me.'
+
+"Them's Spellin' Book's last words, an' they does him proud.
+
+"It's the Lightnin' Bug who grabs the murderin' book-keep sharp, an'
+takes his gun away. Then he swings him before Enright.
+
+"'He's your pris'ner,' says the Red Dog chief, actin' for his outfit,
+an' Enright bows his acknowledgments.
+
+"Son, it's a lesson to see them two leaders of men. Enright never
+shows up nobler, an' you can wager your bottom peso that the Red Dog
+chief is a long shot from bein' a slouch.
+
+"Jack Moore takes the Wells-Fargo book-keep homicide in charge, while
+Enright, who declar's that jestice to be effectyooal must be swift,
+says that onless shown reason he'll convene the committee at once. He
+adds, likewise, that it'll be kindly took if the Red Dog chief, an'
+what members of his triboonal is present, will b'ar their part.
+
+"In all p'liteness, the Red Dog chief deeclines.
+
+"'This is your joorisdiction,' he says, 'an' we Red Dogs can only
+return the compliment which your su'gestion implies by asshorin'
+you-all of our advance confidence in the rectitoode of what jedgments
+you inflicts.'
+
+"'Speak your piece,' says Enright to the Wells-Fargo book-keep
+culprit, when stood up before him by Moore. 'Whatever prompts you to
+blow out this Spellin' Book Ben's candle that a-way?'
+
+"'Let me say,' exclaims the Wells-Fargo book-keep murderer, an' his
+manner is some torrid, 'that I has five hundred dollars bet on this
+yere contest----'
+
+"'That is a question,' interrupts Enright, suave but plenty firm,
+'which will doubtless prove interestin' to your execooter. This,
+however, is not the time nor place. I asks ag'in, whatever is your
+reason for shovin' this yere expert in orthography from shore?'
+
+"'Do you-all think,' returns the Wells-Fargo murderer, 'that I'll
+abide to see a obscoority like him outspell me?--me, who's the
+leadin' speller of eight States and two territories, an' never scores
+less than sixty-five out of a poss'ble fifty? Which I'd sooner die.'
+
+"'So you'd sooner die?' repeats Enright, as cold an' dark an' short as
+a November day. 'Well, most folks don't get their sooners in this
+world, but it looks a heap like you will!' Turnin' to Moore, he goes
+on: 'Our friends from Red Dog'll hold your captive, Jack, while
+you-all goes rummagin' over to the corral an' gets a rope, the
+committee havin' come onprovided.'
+
+"Moore gives the Wells-Fargo homicide to the Red-Dog chief, an'
+tharupon, we Stranglers bein' ready to go into execyootive session,
+all hands except Enright an' the committee steps outside. We're in
+confab mebby it's ten minutes, an' Enright has jest approved a
+yoonanimous vote in favor of hangin', when thar's a modest tap at the
+door.
+
+"It's the Lightnin' Bug.
+
+"'It ain't,' he says, when we asks his mission, 'that we-all aims to
+disturb your deelib'rations none, gents, but the chief'd like to
+borry Doc Peets for five minutes to say a few words over the corpse.'
+
+"Upon this yere hint we-all gambols forth, an' finds what's left of
+the Wells-Fargo book-keep murderer adornin' the windmill. Thar's whar
+their del'cacy comes in; that's how them Red Dogs saves us from a
+disagree'ble dooty.
+
+"We plants Spellin' Book Ben on Boot Hill as per that sufferer's last
+request, an' Red Dog graces the obsequies to a man. Thar Spellin' Book
+lies to-day; an' the story of his ontoward takin' off, as told on that
+tombstone conj'intly erected as aforesaid by Wolfville an' Red Dog, is
+anyooally read by scores of devotees of learnin' who, bar'-headed an'
+mournful, comes as pilgrims to his grave."
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+"THE ART OF THE PHOTOPLAY" is a condensed textbook of the technical
+knowledge necessary for the preparation and sale of motion picture
+scenarios. More than 35,000 photoplays are produced annually in the United
+States. The work of staff-writers is insufficient. Free-lance writers have
+greater opportunities than ever before, for the producing companies can
+not secure enough good comedies and dramas for their needs. The first
+edition of this book met with unusual success. Its author, now the
+Director General of Productions for the Beaux Arts Film Corporation, is
+the highest paid scenario writer in the world, as well as being a
+successful producing manager. Among his successes were the scenarios for
+the spectacular productions: "Robin Hood," "The Squaw Man," "The Banker's
+Daughter," "The Fire King," "Checkers," "The Curse of Cocaine" and "The
+Kentucky Derby."
+
+WHAT THOSE WHO KNOW HAVE SAID:
+
+"In my opinion, based upon six years' experience producing motion
+pictures, Mr. Eustace Hale Ball is the most capable scenario writer in the
+business to-day."
+
+  (Signed) W. F. Haddock,
+  Producing Director with Edison, Eclair, All Star, and
+  now President, Mirror Film Corporation.
+
+"Mr. Ball has thoroughly grasped present day and future possibilities of
+the Moving Picture business with relation to the opportunities for real
+good work by scenario writers."
+
+  (Signed) P. Kimberley,
+  Managing Director, Imperial Film Company, Ltd.,
+  London, England.
+
+"To those who wish to earn some of the money which the moving picture folk
+disburse, Eustace Hale Ball proffers expert and valuable advice."
+
+  New York Times Review of Books.
+
+"Ball's Art of the Photoplay puts into concrete form, with expert
+simplicity, the secrets of writing photoplays which appeal to the millions
+of Americans who attend the theatres and the producers can not buy enough
+of such plays to satisfy the exhibitors."
+
+  (Signed) Robert Lee Macnabb,
+  National Vice-President, Motion Picture
+  Exhibitor's League of America.
+
+"You have succeeded in producing a clear and helpful exposition of the
+subject."
+
+  (Signed) Wm. R. Kane,
+  Editor of "The Editor Magazine."
+
+12 mo. Cloth bound, $1.00 Net.
+
+G. W. DILLINGHAM CO., Publishers NEW YORK
+
+
+
+
+THREE SPLENDID BOOKS BY
+
+ALFRED HENRY LEWIS
+
+FARO NELL AND HER FRIENDS
+
+A new story of "Wolfville" days--the best of all. It pictures the fine
+comradeship, broad understanding and simple loyalty of Faro Nell to her
+friends. Here we meet again Old Monte, Dave Tutt, Cynthiana, Pet-Named
+Original Sin, Dead Shot Baker, Doc Peets, Old Man Enright, Dan Boggs,
+Texas and Black Jack, the rough-actioned, good-hearted men and women who
+helped to make this author famous as a teller of tales of Western frontier
+life.
+
+12mo. Cloth. Illustrated. Popular Edition. 50 Cents
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+TRAFFIC IN SOULS is a powerful study, in fiction garb, of the vice
+conditions of New York and their cure. The facts upon which it is based
+were compiled from the John D. Rockefeller, Jr., White Slave Report, and
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+District-Attorney of New York.
+
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+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Faro Nell and Her Friends, by Alfred Henry Lewis
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