path: root/29477.txt

The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Universal Reciter, by Various

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org


Title: The Universal Reciter
       81 Choice Pieces of Rare Poetical Gems

Author: Various

Release Date: July 21, 2009 [EBook #29477]

Language: English

Character set encoding: ASCII

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE UNIVERSAL RECITER ***




Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jason Isbell, Afra Ullah and
the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
http://www.pgdp.net






Transcriber's Note:

There are a few pieces which contain some dialect. All dialect, period
spelling, etc., has been preserved.

The remainder of the TN is at the end of the book.

       *       *       *       *       *




When the voice is weak, it should be strengthened by frequent
practice, by exercising it in the open air, and upon all convenient
occasions.

       *       *       *       *       *




The Universal Reciter,


CONTAINING


81 Choice Pieces.




       *       *       *       *       *

It is necessary not only to practise a little, but to practise a great
deal. In this way ease, grace, and fluency are acquired.

[Illustration:

  OH! TELL ME, I SAID, RAPID STREAM OF THE VALLEY,
    THAT BEAR'ST IN THY COURSE THE BLUE WATERS AWAY,
  CAN THE JOYS OF LIFE'S MORNING AWAKE BUT TO VANISH,
    CAN THE FEELINGS OF LOVE BE ALL DOOM'D TO DECAY?
      AN ECHO REPEATED--"ALL DOOM'D TO DECAY."

]




THE

UNIVERSAL RECITER,

A

LITERARY BOUQUET,

CONTAINING

81 CHOICE PIECES

OF RARE POETICAL GEMS, FINE SPECIMENS OF
ORATORY, THRILLING SENTIMENT,
ELOQUENCE, TENDER PATHOS, AND SPARKLING
HUMOR.

       *       *       *       *       *

LONDON:

WILLIAM NICHOLSON AND SONS,
20, WARWICK SQUARE PATERNOSTER ROW, AND
ALBION WORKS, WAKEFIELD.




CONTENTS.

                                                             PAGE.
A Horse Car Incident                                          194

A love of a Bonnet                                             87

An Eruption of Mount Vesuvius                                 100

A Plea for the Ox                                             103

A Pleasure Exertion                                           203

A Precious Pickle                                             125

A Psalm of Life                                               231

Bell of the "Atlantic"                                        243

Big Oyster, The                                               122

Black Regiment, The                                           162

Boy Archer, The                                                72

David and Goliath                                             109

David's lament over Absalom                                    71

Drafted                                                        98

Dying Hebrew, The                                              41

Enlisting as Army Nurse                                       139

Falstaff's Boasting                                            64

Forging of the Anchor                                         148

Flowers, The                                                  246

Give me back my Husband                                        44

Graves of a Household                                         249

Green Goose, The                                              175

Gridiron, The                                                 144

Here she goes, and there she goes                             105

How we hunted a Mouse                                          38

Hypochondriac, The                                            247

Ignorance is bliss                                             58

Injured Mother, The                                            50

Juvenile Pugilists                                            221

Knife Grinder, The                                            191

Last Man, The                                                 232

Lord Dundreary at Brighton                                    151

Mantle of St. John De Matha, The                              234

Mariner's Wife, The                                            11

Menagerie, The                                                 56

Migratory Bones                                               177

Mills of God, The                                              55

Miser's Fate, The                                              16

Miss Maloney on the Chinese Question                          119

Murdered Traveller, The                                        70

My Mother's Bible                                             138

My Friend's Secret                                            156

One Hoss Shay, The                                             46

Only Sixteen                                                  143

On to Freedom                                                  68

On the Shores of Tennessee                                    159

Owl, The                                                      245

Pat and the Fox                                                22

Pat-ent Gun                                                   229

Patrick's Colt                                                 34

Paul Revere's Ride                                            200

Pauper's Death Bed                                            193

Pledge with Wine                                              250

Polish Boy, The                                               237

Preaching to the Poor                                         192

Rain Drops, The                                               172

Red Chignon                                                   180

Sambo's Dilemma                                                20

San Francisco Auctioneer                                      227

Satan's Address to the Sun                                     32

Scolding Old Dame                                             174

Shamus O'Brien                                                214

She would be a Mason                                           18

Snyder's Nose                                                  13

Socrates Snooks                                               198

That Hired Girl                                               241

There's but one pair of Stockings to mend to night             85

Thief of Time, The                                            164

The Old Man in the Stylish Church                             223

The Old Man in the Model Church                               225

The World for Sale                                             37

To my Mother                                                   27

Two Weavers, The                                              117

Vain Regrets                                                  158

Ventriloquist on a Stage Coach                                 76

Voices at the Throne                                          155

Vulture of the Alps, The                                       62

What ailed "Ugly Sam"                                          29

Which am de Mightiest                                         219

Widow Bedott's Poetry                                         112

Wilkins on Accomplishments
                                      7
[Illustration]




THE

UNIVERSAL RECITER.




WILKINS ON ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

  A DUOLOGUE.

  JOHN QUILL.


MR. WILKINS. Mrs. Wilkins, of all the aggravating women I ever came
across, you are the worst. I believe you'd raise a riot in the cemetry
if you were dead, you would. Don't you ever go prowling around any
Quaker meeting, or you'll break it up in a plug muss. You? Why you'd
put any other man's back up until he broke his spine. Oh! you're too
annoying to live; I don't want to bother with you. Go to sleep.

MRS. WILKINS. But, Wilkins dear, just listen a minute. We must have
that piano, and--

MR. W. Oh! don't "dear" me; I won't have it. You're the only dear
thing around here--you're dear at any price. I tell you once for
all that I don't get any new piano, and Mary Jane don't take singing
lessons as long as I'm her father. There! If you don't understand that
I'll say it over again. And now stop your clatter and go to sleep; I'm
tired of hearing you cackle.

MRS. W. But, Wilk--

MR. W. Now don't aggravate me. I say Mary Jane shan't learn to sing
and plant another instrument of torture in this house, while I'm boss
of the family. Her voice is just like yours; it's got a twang to it
like blowing on the edge of a piece of paper.

MRS. W. Ain't you ashamed, Wilk--

MR. W. It's disgrace enough to have _you_ sitting down and pretending
to sing, and trying to deafen people, without having the children
do it. The first time I heard you sing I started round to the
station-house and got six policemen, because I thought there was a
murder in your house, and they were cutting you up by inches. I wish
somebody would! I wouldn't go for any policeman now, not much!

MRS. W. I declare, you are a perfect brute!

MR. W. Not much, I wouldn't! But Smith, he told me yesterday that his
family were kept awake half the night by the noise you made; and he
said if I didn't stop those dogs from yowling in my cellar, he'd be
obliged to complain to the board of health.

MRS. W. What an awful story, Mr. Wilk--

MR. W. Then I told him it was you, and you thought you could sing;
and he advised me as a friend to get a divorce, because he said no
man could live happily with any woman who had a voice like a cross-cut
saw. He said I might as well have a machine-shop with a lot of files
at work in my house as that, and he'd rather any time.

MRS. W. Phugh! I don't care what Smith says.

MR. W. And you a-talking about a new piano! Why, haven't we got
musical instruments enough in the house? There's Holofernes Montgomery
been blowing away in the garret for ten days with that old key bugle,
until he got so black in the face that he won't get his colour back
for a month, and then he only gets a spurt out of her every now and
then. He's blown enough wind in her to get up a hurricane, and I
expect nothing else but he'll get the old machine so chock full that
she'll blow back at him some day and burst his brains out, and all
along of your tomfoolery. You're a pretty mother, you are! You'd
better go and join some asylum for feeble-minded idiots, you had.

MRS. W. Wilkins! I declare you're too bad, for--

MR. W. Yes--and there's Bucephalus Alexander, he's got his head full
of your sentimental nonsense, and he thinks he's in love with a girl
round the corner, and he meanders about and tries to sigh, and won't
eat his victuals, and he's got to going down into the cellar and
trying to sing "No one to love" in the coal-bin; and he like to scared
the hired girl out of her senses, so that she went upstairs and had a
fit on the kitchen door-mat, and came near dying on my hands.

MRS. W. That's not true, Mr. Wil--

MR. W. And never came to until I put her head under the hydrant. And
then what does Bucephalus Alexander do but go round, night before
last, and try to serenade the girl, until the old man histed up the
sash and cracked away at Bucephalus Alexander with an old boot, and
hit him in the face and blacked his eye, because he thought it was two
cats a-yelping. Hang such a mother as you are! You go right to work to
ruin your offspring.

MRS. W. You're talking nonsense, Wilk--

MR. W. You're about as fit to bring up children as a tadpole is to run
a ferry boat, you are! But while I'm alive Mary Jane takes no singing
lessons. Do you understand? It's bad enough to have her battering away
at that piano like she had some grudge against it, and to have her
visitors wriggle around and fidget and look miserable, as if they had
cramp colic, while you make her play for them and have them get up and
lie, and ask what it was, and say how beautiful it is, and steep their
souls in falsehood and hypocrisy all on account of you. You'll have
enough sins to answer for, old woman, without that.

MRS. W. I never did such a thing, and you--

MR. W. Yes--and you think Mary Jane can play, don't you? You think she
can sit down and jerk more music than a whole orchestra, don't you?
But she can't. You might about as well set a crowbar to opening
oysters as set her to playing on that piano. You might, indeed!

MRS. W. You talk like a fool, Wilkins!

MR. W. Play! She play? Pshaw! Why, she's drummed away at that polka
for six months and she can't get her grip on it yet. You might as well
try to sing a long-metre hymn to "Fisher's Hornpipe," as to undertake
to dance to that polka. It would jerk your legs out at the sockets,
certain, or else it would give you St. Vitus' dance, and cripple you
for life.

MRS. W. Mr. Wilkins, I'm going to tell you a secret.

MR. W. Oh! I don't want to hear your secrets--keep them to yourself.

MRS. W. It's about Mary Jane's singing.

MR. W. What?

MRS. W. Mary Jane, you know--her singing.

MR. W. I don't know, and I don't want to; she shan't take lessons, so
dry up.

MRS. W. But she shall take them!

MR. W. I say she shan't!

MRS. W. She shall, and you can't help it.

MR. W. By George! What do you mean? I'm master in this house I'd like
you to know.

MRS. W. Yes--but she's been taking lessons for a whole quarter, while
you were down town, and I paid the bill out of the market money.

MR. W. Well! I hope I may be shot! You don't mean to say that? Well,
if you ain't a perfectly abandoned wretch, hang me! Farewell, Mrs.
Wilkins, farewell! I'm off by the first express-train for the
West! I'll stop at Chicago, where the cars wait fifteen minutes for
refreshments and a divorce--I'll take the divorce, that will be
indeed refreshing! Farewell! F-a-r-e-well! Fare-r-r-r-r-r-r-well! Mrs.
Wil-l-l-l-l-l-l-kins!




THE MARINERS WIFE.

WM. JULIUS MICKLE.

THIS WAS A FAVOURITE RECITATION OF THE LATE CHARLOTTE CUSHMAN.


  And are ye sure the news is true?
    And are ye sure he's weel?
  Is this a time to think o' wark?
    Make haste, lay by your wheel;
  Is this a time to spin a thread,
    When Colin's at the door?
  Reach down my cloak, I'll to the quay,
    And see him come ashore.

  For there's nae luck about the house,
    There's nae luck at a';
  There's little pleasure in the house
    When our gudeman's awa'.

  And gie to me my bigonet,
    My bishop's satin gown;
  For I maun tell the baillie's wife,
    That Colin's in the town.
  My Turkey slippers maun gae on,
    My stockings pearly blue;
  It's a' to pleasure our gudeman,
    For he's baith leal and true.

  Rise, lass, and mak a clean fireside,
    Put on the mukle pot;
  Gie little Kate her button gown
    And Jock his Sunday coat;
  And mak their shoon as black as slaes,
    Their hose as white as snaw;
  It's a' to please my own gudeman,
    For he's been long awa.

  There's twa fat hens upo' the coop,
    Been fed this month and mair;
  Mak haste and thraw their necks about,
    That Colin weel may fare;
  And mak our table neat and clean,
    Let everything look braw,
  For wha can tell how Colin fared
    When he was far awa?

  Sae true his heart, sae smooth his speech,
    His breath like caller air;
  His very foot has music in't
    As he comes up the stair.
  And shall I see his face again?
    And shall I hear him speak?
  I'm downright dizzy wi' the thought,
    In troth I'm like to greet!

  The cold blasts o' the winter wind,
    That thirled through my heart,
  They're a' blown by, I hae him safe,
    'Till death we'll never part;
  But what puts parting in my head?
    It may be far awa!
  The present moment is our ain,
    The neist we never saw.

  Since Colin's weel, and weel content,
    I hae nae mair to crave;
  And gin I live to keep him sae,
    I'm blest aboov the lave.
  And will I see his face again?
    And will I hear him speak?
  I'm downright dizzy wi' the thought,
    In troth I'm like to greet.
  For there's nae luck about the house,
    There's nae lack at a';
  There's little pleasure in the house
    When our gudeman's awa.




SNYDER'S NOSE.

"OUR FAT CONTRIBUTOR."


Snyder kept a beer saloon some years ago "over the Rhine." Snyder
was a ponderous Teuton of very irascible temper--"sudden and quick
in quarrel"--get mad in a minute. Nevertheless his saloon was a great
resort for "the boys"--partly because of the excellence of his beer,
and partly because they liked to chafe "Old Snyder," as they called
him; for, although his bark was terrific, experience had taught them
that he wouldn't bite.

One day Snyder was missing; and it was explained by his "frau," who
"jerked" the beer that day, that he had "gone out fishing mit der
poys." The next day one of the boys, who was particularly fond
of "roasting" old Snyder, dropped in to get a glass of beer, and
discovered Snyder's nose, which was a big one at any time, swollen and
blistered by the sun, until it looked like a dead-ripe tomato.

"Why, Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?" said the caller.

"I peen out fishing mit der poys," replied Snyder, laying his finger
tenderly against his proboscis; "the sun it pese hot like ash never
vas, und I purns my nose. Nice nose, don't it?" And Snyder viewed it
with a look of comical sadness in the little mirror back of his bar.
It entered at once into the head of the mischievous fellow in front of
the bar to play a joke upon Snyder; so he went out and collected half
a dozen of his comrades, with whom he arranged that they should drop
in at the saloon one after another, and ask Snyder, "What's the matter
with that nose?" to see how long he would stand it. The man who put
up the job went in first with a companion, and seating themselves at
a table called for beer. Snyder brought it to them, and the new-comer
exclaimed as he saw him, "Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?"

"I yust dell your friend here I peen out fishin' mit der poys, unt de
sun he purnt 'em--zwi lager--den cents--all right."

Another boy rushes in. "Halloo, boys, you're ahead of me this time;
s'pose I'm in, though. Here, Snyder, bring me a glass of lager and
a pret"--(appears to catch a sudden glimpse of Snyder's nose, looks
wonderingly a moment and then bursts out laughing)--"ha! ha! ha! Why,
Snyder--ha!--ha!--what's the matter with that nose?"

Snyder, of course, can't see any fun in having a burnt nose or having
it laughed at; and he says, in a tone sternly emphatic:

"I peen out fishin' mit der poys, unt de sun it yust ash hot ash
blazes, unt I purnt my nose; dat ish all right."

Another tormentor comes in, and insists on "setting 'em up" for the
whole house. "Snyder," says he, "fill up the boys' glasses, and take
a drink yourse----ho! ho! ho! ho! ha! ha! ha! Snyder, wha--ha!
ha!--what's the matter with that nose?"

Snyder's brow darkens with wrath by this time, and his voice grows
deeper and sterner:

"I peen out fishin' mit der poys on the Leedle Miami. De sun pese hot
like ash--vel, I burn my pugle. Now that is more vot I don't got to
say. Vot gind o' peseness? Dat ish all right; I purn my _own_ nose,
don't it?"

"Burn your nose--burn all the hair off your head for what I care; you
needn't get mad about it."

It was evident that Snyder wouldn't stand more than one tweak at that
nose; for he was tramping about behind his bar, and growling like an
exasperated old bear in his cage. Another one of his tormentors walks
in. Some one sings out to him, "Have a glass of beer, Billy?"

"Don't care about any beer," says Billy, "but, Snyder, you may give
me one of your best ciga--Ha-a-a! ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! he! he! he!
ah-h-h-ha! ha! ha! ha! Why--why--Snyder--who who--ha-ha! ha! what's
the matter with that nose?"

Snyder was absolutely fearful to behold by this time; his face was
purple with rage, all except his nose, which glowed like a ball of
fire. Leaning his ponderous figure far over the bar, and raising his
arm aloft to emphasize his words with it, he fairly roared:

"I peen out fishin' mit ter poys. The sun it pese hot like ash never
was. I purnt my nose. Now you no like dose nose, you yust take dose
nose unt wr-wr-wr-wring your mean American finger mit 'em. That's the
kind of man vot I am!" And Snyder was right.




THE MISER'S FATE.

OSBORNE.


    In the year 1762 a miser, of the name of Foscue, in France,
    having amassed enormous wealth by habits of extortion and
    the most sordid parsimony, was requested by the government
    to advance a sum of money as a loan. The miser demurred,
    pretending that he was poor. In order to hide his gold
    effectually, he dug a deep cave in his cellar, the descent
    to which was by a ladder, and which was entered by means of a
    trap-door, to which was attached a spring-lock.

    He entered this cave one day to gloat over his gold, when the
    door fell upon him, and the spring-lock, the key to which he
    had left on the outside, snapped, and held him a prisoner in
    the cave, where he perished miserably. Some months afterwards
    a search was made, and his body was found in the midst of his
    money-bags, with a candlestick lying beside it on the floor.
    In the following lines the miser is supposed to have just
    entered his cave, and to be soliloquizing.

  So, so! all safe! Come forth, my pretty sparklers--
  Come forth, and feast my eyes! Be not afraid!
  No keen-eyed agent of the government
  Can see you here. They wanted me, forsooth,
  To lend you, at the lawful rate of usance,
  For the state's needs. Ha, ha! my shining pets,
  My yellow darlings, my sweet golden circlets!
  Too well I loved you to do that--and so
  I pleaded poverty, and none could prove
  My story was not true.
  Ha! could they see
  These bags of ducats, and that precious pile
  Of ingots, and those bars of solid gold,
  Their eyes, methinks, would water. What a comfort
  Is it to see my moneys in a heap
  All safely lodged under my very roof!
  Here's a fat bag--let me untie the mouth of it.
  What eloquence! What beauty! What expression!
  Could Cicero so plead? Could Helen look
  One-half so charming?              [_The trap-door falls._]
  Ah! what sound was that?
  The Trap-door fallen--and the spring-lock caught!
  Well, have I not the key? Of course I have.
  'Tis in this pocket. No. In this? No. Then
  I left it at the bottom of the ladder.
  Ha! 'tis not there. Where then? Ah! mercy, Heaven!
  'Tis in the lock outside!
  What's to be done?
  Help, help! Will no one hear? Oh, would that I
  Had not discharged old Simon! but he begged
  Each week for wages--would not give me credit.
  I'll try my strength upon the door. Despair!
  I might as soon uproot the eternal rocks
  As force it open. Am I here a prisoner,
  And no one in the house? no one at hand,
  Or likely soon to be, to hear my cries?
  Am I entombed alive? Horrible fate!
  I sink--I faint beneath the bare conception!
  [_Awakes._]  Darkness? Where am I? I remember, now,
  This is a bag of ducats--'tis no dream--
  No dream! The trap-door fell, and here am I
  Immured with my dear gold--my candle out--
  All gloom--all silence--all despair! What, ho!
  Friends! Friends? I have no friends. What right have I
  To use the name? These money-bags have been
  The only friends I've cared for--and for these
  I've toiled, and pinched, and screwed--shutting my heart
  To charity, humanity and love!
  Detested traitors! Since I gave you all--
  Aye, gave my very soul--can ye do naught
  For me in this extremity? Ho! Without there!
  A thousand ducats for a loaf of bread!
  Ten thousand ducats for a glass of water!
  A pile of ingots for a helping hand!
  Was that a laugh? Aye, 'twas a fiend that laughed
  To see a miser in the grip of death.
  Offended Heaven, have mercy! I will give
  In alms all this vile rubbish; aid me thou
  In this most dreadful strait! I'll build a church--
  A hospital! Vain, vain! Too late, too late!
  Heaven knows the miser's heart too well to trust him!
  Heaven will not hear! Why should it? What have I
  Done to enlist Heaven's favor--to help on
  Heaven's cause on earth, in human hearts and homes?
  Nothing! God's kingdom will not come the sooner
  For any work or any prayer of mine.
  But must I die here--in my own trap caught?
  Die--die? and then! Oh, mercy! Grant me time--
  Thou who canst save--grant me a little time,
  And I'll redeem the past--undo the evil
  That I have done--make thousands happy with
  This hoarded treasure--do Thy will on earth
  As it is done in Heaven--grant me but time!
  Nor man nor God will heed my shrieks! All's lost!




SHE WOULD BE A MASON.

ANONYMOUS.


  The funniest story I ever heard,
      The funniest thing that ever occurred,
  Is the story of Mrs. Mehitable Byrde,
      Who wanted to be a Mason.
  Her husband, Tom Byrde, is a Mason true,
  As good a Mason as any of you;
  He is tyler of lodge Cerulian Blue,
  And tyles and delivers the summons due,
  And she wanted to be a Mason too--
      This ridiculous Mrs. Byrde.
  She followed him round, this inquisitive wife,
  And nabbed and teased him half out of his life;
  So to terminate this unhallowed strife,
      He consented at last to admit her.
  And first to disguise her from bonnet to shoon,
  The ridiculous lady agreed to put on
  His breech--ah! forgive me--I meant pantaloon;
      And miraculously did they fit her.
  The Lodge was at work on the Master's Degree;
  The light was ablaze on the letter G;
  High soared the pillars J. and B.;
  The officers sat like Solomon, wise;
  The brimstone burned amid horrid cries;
  The goat roamed wildly through the room;
  The candidate begged 'em to let him go home;
  And the devil himself stood up in the east,
  As proud as an alderman at a feast;--
      When in came Mrs. Byrde.
  Oh, horrible sounds! oh, horrible sight!
  Can it be that Masons take delight
  In spending thus the hours of night?
  Ah! could their wives and daughters know
  The unutterable things they say and do,
  Their feminine hearts would burst with woe;
      But this is not all my story,
  For those Masons joined in a hideous ring,
  The candidate howling like everything,
  And thus in tones of death they sing
      (The Candidate's name was Morey):
  "Blood to drink and bones to crack,
  Skulls to smash and lives to take,
  Hearts to crush and souls to burn--
  Give old Morey another turn,
      And make him all grim and gory."
  Trembling with horror stood Mrs. Byrde,
  Unable to speak a single word;
  She staggered and fell in the nearest chair,
  On the left of the Junior Warden there,
  And scarcely noticed, so loud the groans,
  That the chair was made of human bones.
  Of human bones! on grinning skulls
  That ghastly throne of horror rolls--
  Those skulls, the skulls that Morgan bore!
  Those bones the bones that Morgan wore!
  His scalp across the top was flung,
  His teeth around the arms were strung--
  Never in all romance was known
  Such uses made of human bone.
  The brimstone gleamed in lurid flame,
  Just like a place we will not name;
  Good angels, that inquiring came
  From blissful courts, looked on with shame
      And tearful melancholy.
  Again they dance, but twice as bad,
  They jump and sing like demons mad;
      The tune is Hunkey Dorey--
  "Blood to drink," etc., etc.
  Then came a pause--a pair of paws
  Reached through the floor, up sliding doors,
  And grabbed the unhappy candidate!
  How can I without tears relate
  The lost and ruined Morey's fate?
  She saw him sink in a fiery hole,
  She heard him scream, "My soul! my soul!"
  While roars of fiendish laughter roll,
      And drown the yells of mercy!
  "Blood to drink," etc., etc.
  The ridiculous woman could stand no more--
  She fainted and fell on the checkered floor,
  'Midst all the diabolical roar.
  What then, you ask me, did befall
  Mehitable Byrde? Why, nothing at all--
  _She had dreamed_ she'd been in the Masons' hall.




SAMBO'S DILEMMA.


"Midas, I want to s'posen a case to you, an' I want you to gim me the
gospel truth on your 'pinion 'bout de matter."

That's the manner in which one of Washington's dusky damsels put it to
her adorer last evening.

"Now, Midas, you knows you'se tole me more times 'an you'se got
fingers an' toes, as you lubbed me harder 'an a marble-top washstand,
an' 'at I'se sweeter to you 'an buckwheat cakes and 'lassas foreber.
Midas, this am only s'posen case, but I wants you to s'posen jus' as
if'n 'twas a shunuff one.

"S'posen me an' you was goin' on a scursion down de riber!"

"Yas," broke in Midas, "down to Mount Vernon."

"Anywha's 'tall, down the riber. Midas, can you swim?"

"No, Luce, I's sorry to 'form you dat de only d'reckshon what I kin
circumstanshiate fru de water am de bottom."

"Well, den, as I was 'latin'. S'posen we was on de boat, glidin'
lubingly an' harmunly down de bussum ob der riber's stream, de moon
was lookin' shiningly down pon de smoke-stack, an' you wos sottin'
rite up to me (jus' slide up here closer, an' lem me show you how),
dats de way."

"Yah, yah! but wouldn't dat be scrumptuous?" interrupted Midas.

"S'posen," continued Lucy, "you had jest put your arm roun' my wai'
(dat's it), der wasn't nobody 'bout, you was a squeezin' me up, an'
was jest gwine to gimme de lubinest kind ob a kiss, an'--an'--an' de
biler would bust!"

"Oh, de debbil!" said the disappointed Midas.

"Now, Midas, I is s'posen dis case, an' I wants you to mind de words
what I am a speakin'. S'posen when dat biler busted we bof went up
in de air, come down in de ribber, an' when we arrive in de water we
found de only thing lef' of dat boat was one piece ob board dat wasn't
big enough to hole us bof, but we bof grab at it; now, Midas, wud
you let go dat board, or would you put me off an' took it all y'self?
Dat's de question what I'm s'posen."

"Luce, can you swim?" he asked, after hesitating a few moments.

"No, Midas, ob course not. You know I can't swim."

"Well den, Luce, my conchenshus 'pinion ob de whole matter am dat we
won't go on no scursions."




PAT AND THE FOX.

SAMUEL LOVER.


"Paddy," said the squire, "perhaps you would favor the gentleman with
that story you told me once about a fox?"

"Indeed and I will, plaze yer honor," said Paddy, "though I know full
well the divil a one word iv it you b'lieve, nor the gintlemen won't
either, though you're axin' me for it--but only want to laugh at me,
and call me a big liar when my back's turned."

"Maybe we wouldn't wait for your back being turned, Paddy, to honor
you with that title."

"Oh, indeed, I'm not sayin' that you wouldn't do it as soon foreninst
my face, yer honor, as you often did before, and will agin, plaze God,
and welkim."

"Well, Paddy, say no more about that, but let's have the story."

"Sure I'm losing no time, only telling the gintlemen beforehand that
it's what they'll be callin' it, a lie--and indeed it's ancommon, sure
enough; but you see, gintlemen, you must remimber that the fox is the
cunnin'est baste in the world, barrin' the wran----"

Here Paddy was questioned why he considered the wren as cunning a
_baste_ as the fox.

"Why, sir, bekase all the birds build their nest wid one hole to it
only, excep'n the wran; but the wran builds two holes to the nest, and
so that if any inimy comes to disturb it upon one door it can go out
an the other. But the fox is cute to that degree that there's many
mortial a fool to him--and, by dad, the fox could by and sell many a
Christian, as you'll soon see by-and-by, when I tell you what happened
to a wood-ranger that I knew wanst, and a dacent man he was, and
wouldn't say the thing in a lie.

"Well, you see, he kem home one night mighty tired--for he was out wid
a party in the domain cock-shootin' that day; and whin he got back
to his lodge he threw a few logs o' wood an the fire to make himself
comfortable, and he tuk whatever little matther he had for his
supper--and afther that he felt himself so tired that he wint to bed.
But you're to understand that, though he wint to bed, it was more for
to rest himself like, than to sleep, for it was airly; and so he jist
wint into bed, and there he divarted himself lookin' at the fire, that
was blazin' as merry as a bonfire an the hearth.

"Well, as he was lyin' that-a-way, jist thinkin' o' nothin' at all,
what should come into the place but a fox. But I must tell you, what
I forgot to tell you, before, that the ranger's house was on the
bordhers o' the wood, and he had no one to live wid him but
himself, barrin' the dogs that he had the care iv, that was his only
companions, and he had a hole cut an the door, with a swingin' boord
to it, that the dogs might go in or out accordin' as it plazed thim;
and, by dad, the fox kem in as I told you, through the hole in the
door, as bould as a ram, and walked over to the fire, and sat down
foreninst it.

"Now it was mighty provokin' that all the dogs was out; they wor
rovin' about the wood, you see, lookin for to catch rabbits to ate, or
some other mischief, and so it happened that there wasn't as much as
one individual dog in the place; and, by gor, I'll go bail the fox
knew that right well before he put his nose inside the ranger's lodge.

"Well, the ranger was in hopes some o' the dogs id come home and ketch
the chap, and he was loath to stir hand or fut himself, afeared o'
frightenin' away the fox, but by gor, he could hardly keep his timper
at all at all, whin he seen the fox take his pipe aff o' the hob where
he left it afore he wint to bed, and puttin' the bowl o' the pipe into
the fire to kindle it (it's as thrue as I'm here), he began to smoke
foreninst the fire, as nath'ral as any other man you ever seen.

"'Musha, bad luck to your impidence, you long-tailed blackguard,' says
the ranger, 'and is it smokin' my pipe you are? Oh, thin, by this and
by that, iv I had my gun convaynient to me, it's fire and smoke of
another sort, and what you wouldn't bargain for, I'd give you,' says
he. But still he was loath to stir, hopin the dogs id come home; and
'By gor, my fine fellow,' says he to the fox, 'if one o' the dogs
comes home, saltpethre wouldn't save you, and that's a sthrong
pickle.'

"So with that he watched antil the fox wasn't mindin' him, but was
busy shakin' the cindhers out o' the pipe whin he was done wid it, and
so the ranger thought he was goin' to go immediately afther gettin an
air o' the fire and a shough o' the pipe; and so, says he, 'Faix, my
lad, I won't let you go so aisy as all that, as cunnin' as you think
yourself;' and with that he made a dart out o' bed, and run over to
the door, and got betune it and the fox, 'And now,' says he, 'your
bread's baked, my buck, and maybe my lord won't have a fine run out
o' you, and the dogs at your brish every yard, you morodin' thief, and
the divil mind you,' says he, 'for your impidence--for sure, if you
hadn't the impidence of a highwayman's horse it's not into my very
house, undher my nose, you'd daar for to come:' and with that he began
to whistle for the dogs; and the fox, that stood eyein' him all the
time while he was spakin', began to think it was time to be joggin'
whin he heard the whistle--and says the fox to himself, 'Troth,
indeed, you think yourself a mighty great ranger now,' says he, 'and
you think you're very cute, but upon my tail, and that's a big oath,
I'd be long sorry to let such a mallet-headed bog-throtter as yourself
take a dirty advantage o' me, and I'll engage,' says the fox, 'I'll
make you lave the door soon and suddint,'--and with that he turned
to where the ranger's brogues was lyin' hard by beside the fire, and,
what would you think, but the fox tuk one o' the brogues, and wint
over to the fire, and threw it into it.

"'I think that'll make you start,' says the fox.

"'Divil resave the start,' says the ranger--'that won't do, my buck,'
says he, 'the brogue may burn to cindhers,' says he, 'but out o' this
I won't stir;' and thin, puttin' his fingers into his mouth, he gev a
blast of a whistle you'd hear a mile off, and shouted for the dogs.

"'So that won't do,' says the fox--'well, I must thry another offer,'
says he, and with that he tuk up the other brogue, and threw it into
the fire too.

"'There, now,' says he, 'you may keep the other company,' says
he; 'and there's a pair o' you now, as the divil said to his
knee-buckles.'

"'Oh, you thievin' varment,' says the ranger, 'you won't lave me a
tack to my feet; but no matter,' says he, 'your head's worth more
nor a pair o' brogues to me any day, and by the Piper of Blessintown,
you're money in my pocket this minit,' says he: and with that, the
fingers was in his mouth agin, and he was goin' to whistle, whin, what
would you think, but up sets the fox on his hunkers, and puts his two
fore-paws into his mouth, makin' game o' the ranger--(bad luck to the
lie I tell you.)

"'Well, the ranger, and no wondher, although in a rage as he was,
couldn't help laughin' at the thought o' the fox mockin' him, and, by
dad, he tuk sitch a fit o' laughin' that he couldn't whistle--and that
was the 'cuteness o' the fox to gain time; but whin his first laugh
was over, the ranger recovered himself, and gev another whistle; and
so says the fox, 'By my soul,' says he, 'I think it wouldn't be good
for my health to stay here much longer, and I mustn't be triflin'
with that blackguard ranger any more,' says he, 'and I must make
him sensible that it is time to let me go, and though he hasn't
understandin' to be sorry for his brogues, I'll go bail I'll make him
lave that,' says he, 'before he'd say _sparables_'--and with that what
do you think the fox done? By all that's good--and the ranger himself
told me out iv his own mouth, and said he would never have b'lieved
it, ownly he seen it--the fox tuk a lighted piece iv a log out o' the
blazin' fire, and run over wid it to the ranger's bed, and was goin'
to throw it into the sthraw, and burn him out of house and home; so
when the ranger seen that he gev a shout out iv him--

"'Hillo! hillo! you murtherin' villain,' says he, 'you're worse nor
Captain Rock; is it goin' to burn me out you are, you red rogue iv
a Ribbonman?" and he made a dart betune him and the bed, to save
the house from bein' burnt,--but, my jew'l, that was all the fox
wanted--and as soon as the ranger quitted the hole in the door that
he was standin' foreninst, the fox let go the blazin' faggit, and made
one jump through the door and escaped.

"But before he wint, the ranger gev me his oath that the fox turned
round and gev him the most contemptible look he ever got in his life,
and showed every tooth in his head with laughin', and at last he put
out his tongue at him, as much as to say--'You've missed me like your
mammy's blessin',' and off wid him, like a flash o' lightnin'."




TO MY MOTHER.

FORRESTER.


    [It is hardly necessary to say that too much tenderness cannot
    be imparted to the voice while reading these beautiful lines.
    The heart that recalls a departed mother's memory will be the
    best monitor.]

  Give me my old seat, mother,
    With my head upon thy knee;
  I've passed through many a changing scene,
    Since thus I sat by thee.
  Oh! let me look into thine eyes;
    Their meek, soft, loving light
  Falls like a gleam of holiness,
    Upon my heart, to-night.

  I've not been long away, mother;
    Few suns have risen and set,
  Since last the tear-drop on thy cheek,
    My lips in kisses met.
  'Tis but a little time, I know,
    But very long it seems;
  Though every night I came to thee,
    Dear mother, in my dreams.

  The world has kindly dealt, mother,
    By the child thou lov'st so well;
  The prayers have circled round her path;
    And 'twas their holy spell
  Which made that path so dearly bright;
    Which strewed the roses there;
  Which gave the light, and cast the balm
    On every breath of air.

  I bear a happy heart, mother;
    A happier never beat;
  And, even now, new buds of hope
    Are bursting at my feet.
  Oh! mother! life may be a dream;
    But if such _dreams_ are given,
  While at the portals thus we stand,
    What are the _truths_ of Heaven?

  I bear a happy heart, mother!
    Yet, when fond eyes I see,
  And hear soft tones and winning words,
    I ever think of thee.
  And then, the tears my spirit weeps
    Unbidden fill my eye;
  And, like a houseless dove, I long
    Unto thy breast to fly.

  _Then_ I am very sad, mother,
    I'm very sad and lone:
  O! there's no heart whose inmost fold
    Opes to me like thine own!
  Though sunny smiles wreath blooming lips,
    While love-tones meet my ear;
  My mother, one fond glance of thine
    Were thousand times more dear.

  Then with a closer clasp, mother,
    Now hold me to thy heart:
  I'll feel it beating 'gainst my own,
    Once more before we part.
  And mother, to this love-lit spot,
    When I am far away,
  Come oft--_too oft_ thou canst not come!
    And for thy darling pray.




WHAT AILED "UGLY SAM."

DETROIT FREE PRESS.


He had been missing from the "Potomac" for several days, and Cleveland
Tom, Port Huron Bill, Tall Chicago, and the rest of the boys who were
wont to get drunk with him, couldn't make out what had happened. They
hadn't heard that there was a warrant out for him, had never known of
his being sick for a day, and his absence from the old haunts puzzled
them. They were in the Hole-in-the-Wall saloon yesterday morning,
nearly a dozen of them, drinking, smoking, and playing cards, when in
walked Ugly Sam.

There was a deep silence for a moment as they looked at him. Sam had
a new hat, had been shaved clean, had on a clean collar and a white
shirt, and they didn't know him at first. When they saw that it was
Ugly Sam, they uttered a shout and leaped up.

"Cave in that hat!" cried one.

"Yank that collar off!" shouted another.

"Let's roll him on the floor!" screamed a third.

There was something in his look and bearing which made them hesitate.
The whiskey-red had almost faded from his face, and he looked sober
and dignified. His features expressed disgust and contempt as he
looked around the room, and then revealed pity as his eyes fell upon
the red eyes and bloated faces of the crowd before him.

"Why, what ails ye, Sam?" inquired Tall Chicago, as they all stood
there.

"I've come down to bid ye good-bye, boys!" he replied, removing his
hat and drawing a clean handkerchief from his pocket.

"What! Hev ye turned preacher?" they shouted in chorus.

"Boys, ye know I can lick any two of ye; but I hain't on the fight any
more, an' I've put down the last drop of whiskey which is ever to go
into my mouth! I've switched off. I've taken an oath. I'm going to be
decent!"

"Sam, be you crazy?" asked Port Huron Bill, coming nearer to him.

"I've come down here to tell ye all about it," answered Sam. "Move the
cha'rs back a little and give me room. Ye all know I've been rough,
and more too. I've been a drinker, a fighter, a gambler, and a loafer.
I can't look back and remember when I've earned an honest dollar. The
police hez chased me around like a wolf, and I've been in jail and the
work-house, and the papers has said that Ugly Sam was the terror of
the Potomac. Ye all know this, boys, but ye didn't know I had an old
mother."

The faces of the crowd expressed amazement.

"I never mentioned it to any of ye, for I was neglecting her," he went
on. "She was a poor old body living up here in the alley, and if the
neighbours hadn't helped her to fuel and food, she'd have been found
dead long ago. I never helped her to a cent--didn't see her for weeks
and weeks, and I used to feel mean about it. When a feller goes back
on his old mother, he's a-gittin' purty low, and I know it. Well,
she's dead--buried yesterday! I was up there afore she died. She sent
for me by Pete, and when I got there I seen it was all day with her."

"Did she say anything?" asked one of the boys, as Sam hesitated.

"That's what ails me now," he went on. "When I went she reached out
her hand to me, and says she, 'Samuel, I'm going to die, and I know'd
you'd want to see me afore I passed away!' I sat down, feeling
queer like. She didn't go on and say as how I was a loafer, and had
neglected her, and all that, but says she, 'Samuel, you'll be all
alone when I'm gone. I've tried to be a good mother to you, and have
prayed for you hundreds o' nights and cried about you till my old
heart was sore!' Some o' the neighbours had dropped in, and the women
were crying, and I tell you, boys, I felt weak."

He paused for a moment, and then continued:

"And the old woman said she'd like to kiss me afore death came, and
that broke me right down. She kept hold of my hand, and by-and-by she
whispered; 'Samuel, you are throwing your life away. You've got it in
you to be a man if you will only make up your mind, I hate to die
and feel that my only son and the last of our family may go to the
gallows. If I had your promise that you'd turn over a new leaf and try
and be good, it seems as if I'd die easier. Won't you promise me,
my son?' And I promised her, boys, and that's what ails me! She died
holding my hand, and I promised to quit this low business and go to
work. I came down to tell ye, and now you won't see me on the Potomac
again. I've bought an axe, and am going up in Canada to Winter."

There was a dead silence for a moment, and then he said:

"Well, boys, I'll shake hands with ye all around afore I go. Good-by,
Pete--good-by, Jack--Tom--Jim. I hope you won't fling any bricks at
me, and I shan't never fling any at any of ye. It's a dying promise,
ye see, and I'll keep it if it takes a right arm!"

The men looked reflectively at each other after he had passed out, and
it was a long time before any one spoke. Then Tall Chicago flung his
clay pipe into a corner, and said:

"I'll lick the man who says Ugly Sam's head isn't level!"

"So'll I!" repeated the others.




SATAN'S ADDRESS TO THE SUN.

MILTON.


    This famous speech affords opportunity for the grandest
    declamation. It is studded with points--anger, hate, scorn,
    admiration and defiance. The student should read, and re-read
    and ponder over every line, until he catches the exact meaning
    intended to be conveyed--then, following the examples already
    given, he should declaim it repeatedly:

  O thou, that, with surpassing glory crown'd,
  Look'st from thy sole dominion like the God
  Of this new world; at whose sight all the stars
  Hide their diminish'd heads; to thee I call,
  But with no friendly voice, and add thy name,
  O Sun! to tell thee how I hate thy beams,
  That bring to my remembrance from what state
  I fell, how glorious once above thy sphere;
  Till pride and worse ambition threw me down
  Warring in Heaven against Heaven's matchless king:
  Ah, wherefore! he deserved no such return
  From me, whom he created what I was
  In that bright eminence, and with his good
  Upbraided none; nor was his service hard.
  What could be less than to afford him praise,
  The easiest recompense, and pay him thanks,
  How due! yet all his good proved ill in me,
  And wrought but malice; lifted up so high
  I 'sdain'd subjection, and thought one step higher
  Would set me highest, and in a moment quit
  The debt immense of endless gratitude
  So burdensome still paying, still to owe:
  Forgetful what from him I still received,
  And understood not that a grateful mind
  By owing owes not, but still pays, at once
  Indebted and discharged; what burden then?
  O, had his powerful destiny ordain'd
  Me some inferior angel, I had stood
  Then happy; no unbounded hope had raised
  Ambition! Yet why not? some other Power
  As great might have aspired, and me, though mean,
  Drawn to his part; but other Powers as great
  Fell not, but stand unshaken, from within
  Or from without, to all temptations arm'd.
  Hadst thou the same free will and power to stand?
  Thou hadst: whom hast thou then or what to accuse
  But Heaven's free love dealt equally to all?
  Be then his love accursed, since love or hate,
  To me alike, it deals eternal woe.
  Nay, cursed be thou; since against his thy will
  Chose freely what it now so justly rues.
  Me miserable! which way shall I fly
  Infinite wrath and infinite despair?
  Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell;
  And, in the lowest deep, a lower deep
  Still threat'ning to devour me opens wide,
  To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven.
  O then at last relent: Is there no place
  Left for repentance, none for pardon left?
  None left but by submission; and that word
  Disdain forbids me, and my dread of shame
  Among the spirits beneath, whom I seduced
  With other promises and other vaunts
  Than to submit, boasting I could subdue
  The Omnipotent. Ah me! they little know
  How dearly I abide that boast so vain,
  Under what torments inwardly I groan,
  While they adore me on the throne of hell.
  With diadem and sceptre high advanced,
  The lower still I fall, only supreme
  In misery! Such joy ambition finds.
  But say I could repent, and could obtain
  By act of grace, my former state; how soon
  Would height recall high thoughts, how soon unsay
  What faint submission swore? Ease would recant
  Vows made in pain, as violent and void.
  For never can true reconcilement grow,
  Where wounds of deadly hate have pierced so deep:
  Which would but lead me to a worse relapse
  And heavier fall; so should I purchase dear
  Short intermission bought with double smart.
  This knows my Punisher; therefore as far
  From granting he, as I from begging, peace;
  All hope excluded thus, behold, instead
  Of us outcast, exiled, his new delight,
  Mankind created, and for him this world,
  So farewell, hope; and with hope, farewell, fear;
  Farewell, remorse! all good to me is lost;
  Evil, be thou my good; by thee at least
  Divided empire with Heaven's King I hold,
  By thee, and more than half perhaps will reign;
  As man, ere long, and this new world shall know.




PATRICK'S COLT.

ANONYMOUS.


  Patrick O'Flanigan, from Erin's isle
  Just fresh, thinking he'd walk around a while,
  With open mouth and widely staring eyes,
  Cried "Och!" and "Whist!" at every new surprise.
  He saw some labourers in a field of corn;
  The golden pumpkins lit the scene with glory;
  Of all that he had heard since being born,
  Nothing had equaled this in song or story.
  "The holy mither! and, sirs, would ye plaise
  To be a tellin' me what might be these?
  An' sure I'm thinkin' that they're not pratees,
  But mebbe it's the way you grow your chase."
  "Ah, Patrick, these are mare's eggs," said the hand,
  Giving a wink to John, and Jim, and Bill;
  "Just hatch it out, and then you have your horse;
  Take one and try it; it will pay you well."
  "Faith an' that's aisy sure; in dear ould Ireland
  I always had my Christmas pig so nate,
  Fatted on buttermilk, and hard to bate;
  But only gintlemen can own a horse.
  Ameriky's a great counthry indade,
  I thought that here I'd kape a pig, of coorse,
  Have me own land, and shanty without rent,
  An' have me vote, an' taxes not a cint;
  But sure I niver thought to own a baste.
  An' won't the wife and childer now be glad?
  A thousand blissings on your honor's head!
  But could ye tell by lookin' at the egg
  What colour it will hatch? It's to me taste
  To have a dapple gray, with a long tail,
  High in the neck, and slinder in the leg,
  To jump a twel' feet bog, and niver fail,
  Like me Lord Dumferline's at last year's races--"
  Just then the merry look on all their faces
  Checked Patrick's flow of talk, and with a blush
  That swept his face as milk goes over mush,
  He added, "Sure, I know it is no use
  To try to tell by peering at an egg
  If it will hatch a gander or a goose;"
  Then looked around to make judicious choice.
  "Pick out the largest one that you can hide
  Out of the owner's sight there by the river;
  Don't drop and break it, or the colt is gone;
  Carry it gently to your little farm,
  Put it in bed, and keep it six weeks warm."
  Quickly Pat seized a huge, ripe, yellow one,
  "Faith, sure, an' I'll do every bit of that
  The whole sax wakes I'll lie meself in bed,
  An' kape it warrum, as your honour said;
  Long life to yees, and may you niver walk,
  Not even to your grave, but ride foriver;
  Good luck to yees," and without more of talk
  He pulled the forelock 'neath his tattered hat,
  And started off; but plans of mice and men
  Gang oft agley, again and yet again.
  Full half a mile upon his homeward road
  Poor Patrick toiled beneath his heavy load.
  A hilltop gained, he stopped to rest, alas!
  He laid his mare's egg on some treacherous grass;
  When down the steep hillside it rolled away,
  And at poor Patrick's call made no delay.
  Gaining momentum, with a heavy thump,
  It struck and split upon a hollow stump,
  In which a rabbit lived with child and wife,
  Frightened, the timid creature ran for life.
  "Shtop, shtop my colt!" cried Patrick, as he ran
  After his straying colt, but all in vain.
  With ears erect poor Bunny faster fled
  As "Shtop my colt!" in mournful, eager tones
  Struck on those organs, till with fright half dead
  He hid away among some grass and stones.
  Here Patrick searched till rose the harvest moon,
  Braying and whinnying till he was hoarse,
  Hoping to lure the colt by this fond cheat;
  "For won't the young thing want his mither soon,
  And come to take a bit of something t'eat?"
  But vain the tender accents of his call--
  No colt responded from the broken wall;
  And 'neath the twinkling stars he plodded on,
  To tell how he had got and lost his horse.
  "As swate a gray as iver eyes sat on,"
  He said to Bridget and the children eight,
  After thrice telling the whole story o'er,
  "The way he run it would be hard to bate;
  So little, too, with jist a whisk o' tail,
  Not a pin-feather on it as I could see,
  For it was hatched out just sax weeks too soon!
  An' such long ears were niver grown before
  On any donkey in grane Ireland!
  So little, too, you'd hold it in your hand;
  Och hone! he would have made a gray donkey."
  So all the sad O'Flanigans that night
  Held a loud wake over the donkey gone,
  Eating their "pratees" without milk or salt,
  Howling between whiles, "Och! my little colt!"
  While Bunny, trembling from his dreadful fright,
  Skipped home to Mrs. B. by light of moon,
  And told the story of his scare and flight;
  And all the neighbouring rabbits played around
  The broken mare's egg scattered on the ground.




THE WORLD FOR SALE.

REV. RALPH HOYT.


The world for sale! Hang out the sign; call every traveler here to me:
who'll buy this brave estate of mine, and set this weary spirit free?
'Tis going! yes, I mean to fling the bauble from my soul away; I'll
sell it, whatsoe'er it bring: the world's at auction here to-day! It
is a glorious sight to see--but, ah! it has deceived me sore; it is
not what it seems to be. For sale! it shall be mine no more. Come,
turn it o'er and view it well; I would not have you purchase dear.
'Tis going! going! I must sell! Who bids! who'll buy this splendid
Tear? Here's Wealth, in glittering heaps of gold; who bids? But let me
tell you fair, a baser lot was never sold! Who'll buy the heavy heaps
of Care? and, here, spread out in broad domain, a goodly landscape
all may trace; hall, cottage, tree, field, hill and plain:--who'll
buy himself a burial place? Here's Love, the dreamy potent spell that
Beauty flings around the heart; I know its power, alas! too well; 'tis
going! Love and I must part! Must part? What can I more with Love? all
o'er is the enchanter's reign. Who'll buy the plumeless, dying dove--a
breath of bliss, a storm of pain? And Friendship, rarest gem of earth;
who e'er has found the jewel his? Frail, fickle, false, and little
worth! who bids for Friendship--as it is? 'Tis going! going! hear the
call; once, twice and thrice, 'tis very low! 'Twas once my hope,
my stay, my all, but now the broken staff must go! Fame! hold the
brilliant meteor high; how dazzling every gilded name! Ye millions!
now's the time to buy. How much for Fame? how much for Fame? Hear
how it thunders! Would you stand on high Olympus, far renowned, now
purchase, and a world command!--and be with a world's curses crowned.
Sweet star of Hope! with ray to shine in every sad foreboding breast,
save this desponding one of mine--who bids for man's last friend, and
best? Ah, were not mine a bankrupt life, this treasure should my
soul sustain! But Hope and Care are now at strife, nor ever may unite
again. Ambition, Fashion, Show and Pride, I part from all forever now;
Grief, in an overwhelming tide, has taught my haughty heart to bow. By
Death, stern sheriff! all bereft, I weep, yet humbly kiss the rod; the
best of all I still have left--my Faith, My Bible, and my GOD.




HOW WE HUNTED A MOUSE.

JOSHUA JENKINS.


I was dozing comfortably in my easy-chair, and dreaming of the good
times which I hope are coming, when there fell upon my ears a most
startling scream. It was the voice of my Maria Ann in agony. The voice
came from the kitchen and to the kitchen I rushed. The idolized form
of my Maria was perched on a chair, and she was flourishing an iron
spoon in all directions, and shouting "shoo," in a general manner,
at everything in the room. To my anxious inquiries as to what was
the matter, she screamed, "O Joshua! a mouse, shoo--wha--shoo--a
great--ya, shoo--horrid mouse, and--she--ew--it ran right out of the
cupboard--shoo--go away--O Lord--Joshua--shoo--kill it, oh, my--shoo."

All that fuss, you see, about one little harmless mouse. Some women
are so afraid of mice. Maria is. I got the poker and set myself to
poke that mouse, and my wife jumped down, and ran off into another
room. I found the mouse in a corner under the sink. The first time
I hit it I didn't poke it any on account of getting the poker all
tangled up in a lot of dishes in the sink; and I did not hit it any
more because the mouse would not stay still. It ran right toward me,
and I naturally jumped, as anybody would; but I am not afraid of mice,
and when the horrid thing ran up inside the leg of my pantaloons,
I yelled to Maria because I was afraid it would gnaw a hole in my
garment. There is something real disagreeable about having a mouse
inside the leg of one's pantaloons, especially if there is nothing
between you and the mouse. Its toes are cold, and its nails are
scratchy, and its fur tickles, and its tail feels crawly, and there is
nothing pleasant about it, and you are all the time afraid it will try
to gnaw out, and begin on you instead of on the cloth. That mouse
was next to me. I could feel its every motion with startling and
suggestive distinctness. For these reasons I yelled to Maria, and as
the case seemed urgent to me I may have yelled with a certain degree
of vigor; but I deny that I yelled fire, and if I catch the boy who
thought that I did, I shall inflict punishment on his person.

I did not loose my presence of mind for an instant. I caught the mouse
just as it was clambering over my knee, and by pressing firmly on the
outside of the cloth, I kept the animal a prisoner on the inside. I
kept jumping around with all my might to confuse it, so that it would
not think about biting, and I yelled so that the mice would not hear
its squeaks and come to its assistance. A man can't handle many mice
at once to advantage.

Maria was white as a sheet when she came into the kitchen and asked
what she should do--as though I could hold the mouse and plan a
campaign at the same time. I told her to think of something, and she
thought she would throw things at the intruder; but as there was no
earthly chance for her to hit the mouse, while every shot took effect
on me, I told her to stop, after she had tried two flat-irons and
the coal-scuttle. She paused for breath; but I kept bobbing around.
Somehow I felt no inclination to sit down anywhere. "O Joshua," she
cried, "I wish you had not killed the cat." Now I submit that the wish
was born of the weakness of woman's intellect. How on earth did she
suppose a cat could get where that mouse was?--rather have the mouse
there alone, anyway, than to have a cat prowling around after it.
I reminded Maria of the fact that she was a fool. Then she got the
tea-kettle and wanted to scald the mouse. I objected to that process,
except as a last resort. Then she got some cheese to coax the mouse
down, but I did not dare to let go, for fear it would run up. Matters
were getting desperate. I told her to think of something else, and I
kept jumping. Just as I was ready to faint with exhaustion, I tripped
over an iron, lost my hold, and the mouse fell to the floor, very
dead. I had no idea a mouse could be squeezed to death so easy.

That was not the end of the trouble, for before I had recovered
my breath a fireman broke in one of the front windows, and a whole
company followed him through, and they dradged hose around, and mussed
things all over the house, and then the foreman wanted to thrash me
because the house was not on fire, and I had hardly got him pacified
before a policeman came in and arrested me. Some one had run down and
told him I was drunk and was killing Maria. It was all Maria and I
could do, by combining our eloquence, to prevent him from marching
me off in disgrace, but we finally got matters quieted and the house
clear.

Now when mice run out of the cupboard I go outdoors, and let Maria
"shoo" them back again. I can kill a mouse, but the fun don't pay for
the trouble.




THE DYING HEBREW.

KIMBIE.


    The following poem, a favourite with the late Mr. Edwin
    Forrest, was composed by a young law student, and first
    published in Boston in 1858.

  A Hebrew knelt in the dying light,
    His eye was dim and cold;
  The hairs on his brow were silver white,
    And his blood was thin and old!
  He lifted his look to his latest sun,
    For he knew that his pilgrimage was done;
  And as he saw God's shadow there,
    His spirit poured itself in prayer!
  "I come unto death's second birth
    Beneath a stranger air,
  A pilgrim on a dull, cold earth,
    As all my fathers were!
  And men have stamped me with a curse,
    I feel it is not Thine;
  Thy mercy, like yon sun, was made
    On me, as them, to shine;
  And therefore dare I lift mine eye
    Through that to Thee before I die!
  In this great temple, built by Thee,
    Whose pillars are divine,
  Beneath yon lamp, that ceaselessly
    Lights up Thine own true shrine,
  Oh take my latest sacrifice--
    Look down and make this sod
  Holy as that where, long ago,
    The Hebrew met his God.
  I have not caused the widow's tears,
    Nor dimmed the orphan's eye;
  I have not stained the virgin's years,
    Nor mocked the mourner's cry.
  The songs of Zion in mine ear
    Have ever been most sweet,
  And always, when I felt Thee near,
    My shoes were off my feet.
  I have known Thee in the whirlwind,
    I have known Thee on the hill,
  I have loved Thee in the voice of birds,
    Or the music of the rill;
  I dreamt Thee in the shadow,
    I saw Thee in the light;
  I blessed Thee in the radiant day,
    And worshiped Thee at night.
  All beauty, while it spoke of Thee,
    Still made my soul rejoice,
  And my spirit bowed within itself
    To hear Thy still, small voice!
  I have not felt myself a thing,
    Far from Thy presence driven,
  By flaming sword or waving wing
    Shut off from Thee and heaven.
  Must I the whirlwind reap because
    My fathers sowed the storm?
  Or shrink, because another sinned,
    Beneath Thy red, right arm?
  Oh much of this we dimly scan,
    And much is all unknown;
  But I will not take my curse from man--
    I turn to Thee alone!
  Oh bid my fainting spirit live,
    And what is dark reveal,
  And what is evil, oh forgive,
    And what is broken heal.
  And cleanse my nature from above,
    In the dark Jordan of Thy love!
  I know not if the Christian's heaven
    Shall be the same as mine;
  I only ask to be forgiven,
    And taken home to Thine.
  I weary on a far, dim strand,
    Whose mansions are as tombs,
  And long to find the Fatherland,
    Where there are many homes.
  Oh grant of all yon starry thrones,
    Some dim and distant star,
  Where Judah's lost and scattered sons
    May love Thee from afar.
  Where all earth's myriad harps shall meet
    In choral praise and prayer,
  Shall Zion's harp, of old so sweet,
    Alone be wanting there?
  Yet place me in Thy lowest seat,
    Though I, as now, be there,
  The Christian's scorn, the Christian's jest;
    But let me see and hear,
  From some dim mansion in the sky,
    Thy bright ones and their melody."
  The sun goes down with sudden gleam,
    And--beautiful as a lovely dream
  And silently as air--
    The vision of a dark-eyed girl,
  With long and raven hair,
    Glides in--as guardian spirits glide--
  And lo! is kneeling by his side,
    As if her sudden presence there
  Were sent in answer to his prayer.
    (Oh say they not that angels tread
  Around the good man's dying bed?)
    His child--his sweet and sinless child--
  And as he gazed on her
    He knew his God was reconciled,
  And this the messenger,
    As sure as God had hung on high
  The promise bow before his eye--
    Earth's purest hopes thus o'er him flung,
  To point his heavenward faith,
    And life's most holy feeling strung
  To sing him into death;
    And on his daughter's stainless breast
  The dying Hebrew found his rest!




GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND.


Not many years since, a young married couple from the far
"fast-anchored isle" sought our shores with the most sanguine
anticipations of happiness and prosperity. They had begun to realize
more than they had seen in the visions of hope, when, in an evil hour,
the husband was tempted "to look upon the wine when it is red," and
to taste of it, "when it giveth its colour in the cup." The charmer
fastened round its victim all the serpent-spells of its sorcery, and
he fell; and at every step of his degradation from the man to
the brute, and downward, a heartstring broke in the bosom of his
companion.

Finally, with the last spark of hope flickering on the altar of her
heart, she threaded her way into one of those shambles where man is
made such a thing as the beasts of the field would bellow at. She
pressed her way through the bacchanalian crowd who were revelling
there in their own ruin. With her bosom full of "that perilous stuff
that preys upon the heart," she stood before the plunderer of her
husband's destiny, and exclaimed in tones of startling anguish, "_Give
me back my husband!_"

"There's your husband," said the man, as he pointed toward the
prostrate wretch.

"_That my husband?_ What have you done to him? _That my husband?_ What
have you done to that noble form that once, like the great oak,
held its protecting shade over the fragile vine that clung to it for
support and shelter? _That my husband?_ With what torpedo chill have
you touched the sinews of that manly arm? What have you done to that
once noble brow, which he wore high among his fellows, as if it bore
the superscription of the Godhead? _That my husband?_ What have you
done to that eye, with which he was wont to look erect on heaven, and
see in his mirror the image of his God? What Egyptian drug have you
poured into his veins, and turned the ambling fountains of the heart
into black and burning pitch? Give me back my husband! Undo your
basilisk spells, and give me back the _man_ that stood with me by the
altar!"

The ears of the rumseller, ever since the first demijohn of that
burning liquid was opened upon our shores, have been saluted, at every
stage of the traffic, with just such appeals as this. Such wives, such
widows, and mothers, such fatherless children, as never mourned in
Israel at the massacre of Bethlehem or at the burning of the temple,
have cried in his ears, morning, night, and evening, "_Give me back my
husband! Give me back my boy! Give me back my brother! Give me back my
sister! Give me back my wife!_"

But has the rumseller been confounded or speechless at these appeals?
No! not he. He could show his credentials at a moment's notice with
proud defiance. He always carried in his pocket a written absolution
for all he had done and could do in his work of destruction. _He
had bought a letter of indulgence_--I mean a _license!_--a precious
instrument, signed and sealed by an authority stronger and more
respectable than the pope's. _He_ confounded? Why, the whole artillery
of civil power was ready to open in his defence and support. Thus
shielded by the law, he had nothing to fear from the enemies of
his traffic. He had the image and superscription of Caesar on his
credentials, and unto Caesar he appealed; and unto Caesar, too, his
_victims_ appealed, and _appealed in vain_.




THE ONE-HOSS SHAY; OR, THE DEACON'S MASTERPIECE.

A LOGICAL STORY.

O.W. HOLMES.


  Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay,
  That was built in such a logical way
  It ran a hundred years to a day,
  And then of a sudden, it--ah, but stay,
  I'll tell you what happened without delay,
  Scaring the parson into fits,
  Frightening people out of their wits,--
  Have you ever heard of that, I say?

  Seventeen hundred and fifty-five.
  _Georgius Secundus_ was then alive,--
  Snuffy old drone from the German hive.
  That was the year when Lisbon town
  Saw the earth open and gulp her down,
  And Braddock's army was done so brown,
  And left without a scalp to its crown.
  It was on the terrible Earthquake-day
  That the Deacon finished the one-hoss shay.

  Now in building of chaises, I tell you what,
  There is always _somewhere_ a weakest spot,--
  In hub, tire, felloe, in spring or thill,
  In panel, or crossbar, or floor, or sill,
  In screw, bolt, thoroughbrace,--lurking still,
  Find it somewhere you must and will,--
  Above or below, or within or without,--
  And that's the reason beyond a doubt,
  A chaise _breaks down_, but doesn't _wear out_.

  But the Deacon swore, (as Deacons do,
  With an "I dew vum," or an "I tell _yeou_,")
  He would build one shay to beat the taown
  'n' the keounty 'n' all the kentry raoun';
  --"Fur," said the Deacon, "'t 's mighty plain
  Thut the weakes' place mus' stan' the strain;
  'n' the way t' fix it, uz I maintain,
                  Is only jest
  T' make that place uz strong uz the rest."

  So the Deacon inquired of the village folk
  Where he could find the strongest oak,
  That couldn't be split nor bent nor broke,--
  That was for spokes and floor and sills;
  He sent for lancewood to make the thills;
  The crossbars were ash, from the straightest trees;
  The panels of whitewood, that cut like cheese,
  But lasts like iron for things like these;
  The hubs of logs from the "Settler's ellum,"--
  Last of its timber,--they couldn't sell 'em,
  Never an axe had seen their chips,
  And the wedges flew from between their lips,
  Their blunt ends frizzled like celery-tips;
  Step and prop-iron, bolt and screw,
  Spring, tire, axle and linchpin too,
  Steel of the finest, bright and blue;
  Thoroughbrace bison-skin, thick and wide;
  Boot, top, dasher, from tough old hide
  Found in the pit when the tanner died.
  That was the way he "put her through."--
  "There!" said the Deacon, "naow she'll dew!"

  Do! I tell you, I rather guess
  She was a wonder, and nothing less!
  Colts grew horses, beards turned gray,
  Deacon and deaconess dropped away,
  Children and grandchildren,--where were they?
  But there stood the stout old one-hoss shay
  As fresh as on Lisbon-earthquake day!

  EIGHTEEN HUNDRED;--it came and found
  The Deacon's masterpiece strong and sound.
  Eighteen hundred increased by ten;--
  "Hahnsum kerridge" they called it then.
  Eighteen hundred and twenty came;--
  Running as usual; much the same.
  Thirty and forty at last arrive,
  And then come fifty, and FIFTY-FIVE.

  Little of all we value here
  Wakes on the morn of its hundredth year
  Without both feeling and looking queer.
  In fact, there's nothing that keeps its youth,
  So far as I know, but a tree and truth.
  (This is a moral that runs at large;
  Take it.--You're welcome.--No extra charge.)

  FIRST OF NOVEMBER,--the Earthquake-day,--
  There are traces of age in the one-hoss shay,
  A general flavor of mild decay,
  But nothing local as one may say.
  There couldn't be,--for the Deacon's art
  Had made it so like in every part
  That there wasn't a chance for one to start.
  For the wheels were just as strong as the thills,
  And the floor was just as strong as the sills,
  And the panels just as strong as the floor,
  And the whippletree neither less nor more,
  And the back crossbar as strong as the fore,
  And spring and axle and hub _encore_.
  And yet, _as a whole_, it is past a doubt
  In another hour it will be _worn out!_

  First of November, 'Fifty-five!
  This morning the parson takes a drive.
  Now, small boys, get out of the way!
  Here comes the wonderful one-hoss shay,
  Drawn by a rat-tailed, ewe-necked bay.
  "Huddup!" said the parson.--Off went they.
  The parson was working his Sunday's text,--
  Had got to fifthly, and stopped perplexed
  At what the--Moses--was coming next.
  All at once the horse stood still,
  Close by the meet'n'-house on the hill.
  --First a shiver, and then a thrill,
  Then something decidedly like a spill,--
  And the parson was sitting upon a rock,
  At half-past nine by the meet'n'-house clock,--
  Just the hour of the Earthquake shock!
  --What do you think the parson found,
  When he got up and stared around?
  The poor old chaise in a heap or mound,
  As if it had been to the mill and ground!
  You see, of course, if you're not a dunce,
  How it went to pieces all at once,--
  All at once, and nothing first,--
  Just as bubbles do when they burst.

  End of the wonderful one-hoss shay.
  Logic is logic. That's all I say.




THE INJURED MOTHER.

From the Rev. JOHN BROWN'S tragedy of BARBAROSSA.


CHARACTERS:

  BARBAROSSA, _an Usurper_,
  OTHMAN, _an officer_,
  ZAPHIRA, _the Widowed Queen_.

    [This play has many passages of splendid diction, well
    calculated for bold declamation. The plot of the piece runs
    thus: _Barbarossa_ having killed, and then usurped the throne
    of his friend and master, tries to obtain the hand of Zaphira,
    the late monarch's widow--having previously destroyed, (as is
    supposed) her son, _Selim_. The following scene represents the
    interviews between the unhappy queen and her faithful Othman,
    and of the queen with Barbarossa.

    COSTUMES.--_Barbarossa_ green velvet robe, scarlet satin
    shirt, white trousers, russet boots, and turban. _Othman_,
    scarlet fly, yellow satin shirt, white slippers, turban white,
    scarlet cashmere vest. _Zaphira_, white dress, embroidered
    with silver, turban, and Turkish shoes.

    NOTE.--A little taste will enable any smart young lady to make
    up these dresses. They are mostly loose, and the embroidery
    may be of tinsel--while cheap velveteen looks as well as the
    best velvet on the stage.]

SCENE I.--_An apartment, with sofa._

_Enter_ ZAPHIRA, R.

  ZAP. (C.) When shall I be at peace? O, righteous heaven
  Strengthen my fainting soul, which fain would rise
  To confidence in thee! But woes on woes
  O'erwhelm me. First my husband, now my son--
  Both dead--both slaughter'd by the bloody hand
  Of Barbarossa! What infernal power
  Unchain'd thee from thy native depth of hell,
  To stalk the earth with thy destructive train,
  Murder and lust! To wake domestic peace,
  And every heart-felt joy!

_Enter_ OTHMAN, L.

  O, faithful Othman!
  Our fears were true; my Selim is no more!

  OTH. Has, then, the fatal secret reach'd thine ear? Inhuman tyrant!

  ZAP. Strike him, heav'n with thunder,
  Nor let Zaphira doubt thy providence!

  OTH. 'Twas what we fear'd. Oppose not heav'n's high will,
  Nor struggle with the ten-fold chain of fate,
  That links thee to thy woes. O, rather yield,
  And wait the happier hour, when innocence
  Shall weep no more. Rest in that pleasing hope,
  And yield thyself to heaven, my honor'd queen.
  The king----

  ZAP. Whom stylest thou king?

  OTH. 'Tis Barbarossa.

  ZAP. Does he assume the name of king?

  OTH. He does.

  ZAP. O, title vilely purchas'd!--by the blood
  Of innocence--by treachery and murder!
  May heav'n, incens'd, pour down its vengeance on him,
  Blast all his joys, and turn them into horror
  Till phrensy rise, and bid him curse the hour
  That gave his crimes their birth!--My faithful Othman,
  My sole surviving prop, canst thou devise
  No secret means, by which I may escape
  This hated palace?

  OTH. That hope is vain. The tyrant knows thy hate;
  Hence, day and night, his guards environ thee.
  Rouse not, then, his anger:
  Let soft persuasion and mild eloquence
  Redeem that liberty, which stern rebuke
  Would rob thee of for ever.

  ZAP. An injur'd queen
  To kneel for liberty!--And, oh! to whom!
  E'en to the murd'rer of her lord and son!
  O, perish first, Zaphira! Yes, I'll die!
  For what is life to me? My dear, dear lord--
  My hapless child--yes, I will follow you!

  OTH. Wilt thou not see him, then?

  ZAP. I will not, Othman;
  Or, if I do, with bitter imprecation
  More keen than poison shot from serpents' tongues,
  I'll pour my curses on him.

  OTH. Will Zaphira
  Thus meanly sink in woman's fruitless rage,
  When she should wake revenge?

  ZAP. Revenge!--O, tell me--
  Tell, me but how?--What can a helpless woman?

  OTH. (C.). Gain but the tyrant's leave, and seek thy father;
  Pour thy complaints before him; let thy wrongs
  Kindle his indignation to pursue
  This vile usurper, till unceasing war
  Blast his ill-gotten pow'r.

  ZAP. (L.C.). Ah! say'st thou, Othman?
  Thy words have shot like lightning through my frame,
  And all my soul's on fire!--thou faithful friend!
  Yes, with more gentle speech I'll soothe his pride;
  Regain my freedom; reach my father's tents;
  There paint my countless woes. His kindling rage
  Shall wake the valleys into honest vengeance;
  The sudden storm shall pour on Barbarossa,
  And ev'ry glowing warrior steep his shaft
  In deadlier poison, to revenge my wrongs! (_crosses to_ R.)

  OTH. (C.). There spoke the queen.--But, as thou lov'st thy freedom,
  Touch not on Selim's death. Thy soul will kindle,
  And passion mount in flames that will consume thee.

  ZAP. (R.). My murder'd son!--Yes, to revenge thy death,
  I'll speak a language which my heart disdains.

  OTH. Peace, peace,!--the tyrant comes. Now, injur'd Queen,
  Plead for thy freedom, hope for just revenge,
  And check each rising passion.       [_Exit_ OTHMAN, R.

_Enter_ BARBAROSSA, L.

  BAR. (L.). Hail sovereign fair! in whom
  Beauty and majesty conspire to charm:
  Behold the conqu'ror.

  ZAP. (R.C.) O, Barbarossa,
  No more the pride of conquest e'er can charm
  My widow'd heart. With my departed lord
  My love lies buried!
  Then turn thee to some happier fair, whose heart
  May crown thy growing love with love sincere;
  For I have none to give.

  BAR. Love ne'er should die:
  'Tis the soul's cordial--'tis the font of life;
  Therefore should spring eternal in the breast.
  One object lost, another should succeed,
  And all our life be love.

  ZAP. Urge me no more.--Thou mightst with equal hope
  Woo the cold marble, weeping o'er a tomb,
  To meet thy wishes. But, if generous love (_approaches him._)
  Dwell in thy breast, vouchsafe me proof sincere:
  Give me safe convoy to the native vales
  Of dear Mutija, where my father reigns.

  BAR. O, blind to proffer'd bliss!--What! fondly quit
  This pomp
  Of empire for an Arab's wand'ring tent,
  Where the mock chieftain leads his vagrant tribes
  From plain to plain, and faintly shadows out
  The majesty of kings!--Far other joys
  Here shall attend thy call:
  Submissive realms
  Shall bow the neck; and swarthy kings and Queens,
  From the far-distant Niger and the Nile,
  Drawn captive at my conqu'ring chariot wheels,
  Shall kneel before thee.

  ZAP. Pomp and pow'r are toys,
  Which e'en the mind at ease may well disdain:
  But oh! what mockery is the tinsel pride
  Of splendour, when the mind
  Lies desolate within!--Such, such is mine!
  O'erwhelm'd with ills, and dead to ev'ry joy;
  Envy me not this last request, to die
  In my dear father's tents.

  BAR. Thy suit is vain.

  ZAP. Thus, kneeling at thy feet--(_kneels._)

  BAR. Thou thankless fair! (_raises_ ZAPHIRA.)
  Thus to repay the labours of my love!
  Had I not seiz'd the throne when Selim died,
  Ere this thy foes had laid Algiers in ruin.
  I check'd the warring pow'rs, and gave you peace,
  Make thee but mine,
  I will descend the throne, and call thy son
  From banishment to empire.

  ZAP. O, my heart!
  Can I bear this?
  Inhuman tyrant!--curses on thy head!
  May dire remorse and anguish haunt thy throne,
  And gender in thy bosom fell despair,--
  Despair as deep as mine! (_crosses to_ L.)

  BAR. (R.C.). What means Zaphira?
  What means this burst of grief?

  ZAP. (L.). Thou fell destroyer!
  Had not guilt steel'd thy heart, awak'ning conscience
  Would flash conviction on thee, and each look,
  Shot from these eyes, be arm'd with serpent horrors,
  To turn thee into stone!--Relentless man!
  Who did the bloody deeds--O, tremble, guilt,
  Where'er thou art!--Look on me; tell me, tyrant,
  Who slew my blameless son?

  BAR. What envious tongue
  Hath dar'd to taint my name with slander?
  Thy Selim lives; nay, more, he soon shall reign,
  If thou consent to bless me.

  ZAP. Never, O, never!--Sooner would I roam
  An unknown exile through the torrid climes
  Of Afric--sooner dwell with wolves and tigers,
  Than mount with thee my murder'd Selim's throne!

  BAR. Rash queen, forbear; think on thy captive state,
  Remember, that within these palace walls
  I am omnipotent. Yield thee, then;
  Avert the gath'ring horrors that surround thee,
  And dread my pow'r incens'd.

  ZAP. Dares thy licentious tongue pollute mine ear
  With that foul menace? Tyrant! dread'st thou not
  Th' all-seeing eye of heav'n, its lifted thunder,
  And all the red'ning vengeance which it stores
  For crimes like thine?--Yet know, Zaphira scorns thee.
          [_crosses to_ R.
  Though robb'd by thee of ev'ry dear support,
  No tyrant's threat can awe the free-born soul,
  That greatly dares to die.      [_Exit_ ZAPHIRA, R.

  BAR. (C.). Where should she learn the tale of Selim's death?
  Could Othman dare to tell it?--If he did,
  My rage shall sweep him swifter than the whirlwind,
  To instant death!          [_Exit._

(R.) Right. (L.) Left. (C.) Centre. (R.C.) Right Centre. (L.C.) Left
Centre.




THE MILLS OF GOD.

DUGANNE.

    Apart from the noble sentiments of these verses, and their
    exquisite diction--in which every word is the best that could
    possibly be used--as in a piece of faultless mosaic every
    minute stone is so placed as to impart strength, brilliancy,
    and harmony--they afford an excellent example of lofty,
    dignified recitation:


  Those mills of God! those tireless mills!
  I hear their ceaseless throbs and thrills:
  I see their dreadful stones go round,
  And all the realms beneath them ground;
  And lives of men and souls of states,
  Flung out, like chaff, beyond their gates.

  And we, O God! with impious will,
  Have made these Negroes turn Thy mill!
  Their human limbs with chains we bound,
  And bade them whirl Thy mill-stones round;
  With branded brow and fettered wrist,
  We bade them grind this Nation's grist!

  And so, like Samson--blind and bound--
  Our Nation's grist this Negro ground;
  And all the strength of Freedom's toil,
  And all the fruits of Freedom's soil,
  And all her hopes and all her trust,
  From Slavery's gates were flung, like dust.

  With servile souls this mill we fed,
  That ground the grain for Slavery's bread;
  With cringing men, and grovelling deeds,
  We dwarfed our land to Slavery's needs;
  Till all the scornful nations hissed,
  To see us ground with Slavery's grist.

  The mill grinds on! From Slavery's plain,
  We reap great crops of blood-red grain;
  And still the Negro's strength we urge,
  With Slavery's gyve and Slavery's scourge;
  And still we crave--on Freedom's sod--
  That Slaves shall turn the mills of God!

  The Mill grinds on! God lets it grind!
  We sow the seed--the sheaves we bind:
  The mill-stones whirl as we ordain;
  Our children's bread shall test the grain!
  While Samson still in chains we bind,
  The mill grinds on! God lets it grind!




THE MENAGERIE.

J. HONEYWELL.


  Did you ever! No, I never!
    Mercy on us, what a smell!
  Don't be frightened, Johnny, dear!
    Gracious! how the jackals yell!
  Mother, tell me, what's the man
    Doing with that pole of his?
  Bless your little precious heart,
    He's stirring up the beastesses!

  Children! don't you go so near!
    Hevings! there's the Afric cowses!
  What's the matter with the child?
    Why, the monkey's tore his trowses!
  Here's the monstrous elephant,--
    I'm all a tremble at the sight;
  See his monstrous tooth-pick, boys!
    Wonder if he's fastened tight?

  There's the lion!--see his tail!
    How he drags it on the floor!
  'Sakes alive! I'm awful scared
    To hear the horrid creatures roar!
  Here's the monkeys in their cage,
    Wide awake you are to see 'em;
  Funny, ain't it? How would you
    Like to have a tail and be 'em?

  Johnny, darling, that's the bear
    That tore the naughty boys to pieces;
  Horned cattle!--only hear
    How the dreadful camel wheezes!
  That's the tall giraffe, my boy,
    Who stoops to hear the morning lark;
  'Twas him who waded Noah's flood,
    And scorned the refuge of the ark.

  Here's the crane,--the awkward bird!
    Strong his neck is as a whaler's,
  And his bill is full as long
    As ever met one from the tailor's.
  Look!--just see the zebra there,
    Standing safe behind the bars;
  Goodness me! how like a flag,
    All except the corner stars!

  There's the bell! the birds and beasts
    Now are going to be fed;
  So my little darlings, come,
    It 's time for you to be abed.
  "Mother, 't is n't nine o'clock!
    You said we need n't go before;
  Let us stay a little while,--
    Want to see the monkeys more!"

  Cries the showman, "Turn 'em out!
    Dim the lights!--there, that will do;
  Come again to-morrow, boys;
    Bring your little sisters, too."
  Exit mother, half distraught,
    Exit father, muttering "bore?"
  Exit children, blubbering still,
    "Want to see the monkeys more!"




IGNORANCE IS BLISS


CHARACTERS.

  FRED BROWN.
  JOHNNY GRAY.
  NED WHITE.

SCENE.--_Recitation-Room at a Public School._

_Enter_ FRED.

_Fred._ A pretty task Master Green has given me this time! He calls me
to his desk, and says, "Brown, those boys, Gray and White, have
been very inattentive during the music lesson: take them into the
recitation-room, and keep them there until they can sing four stanzas
of 'The Battle-cry of Freedom.'" A nice music-master I am! I can't
read, sing, or growl a note, and I don't know a single line of "The
Battle-cry of Freedom." But I must not let them know that. Here they
are. (_Enter_ GRAY _and_ WHITE; _they get in a corner of the stage, and
whisper together._) Now, what conspiracy is hatching? Hem! Here, you
fellows, do you know what you came here for?

_Gray._ To take a music lesson, I suppose.

_Fred._ Well, you had better commence.

_White._ Certainly, after you.

_Fred._ After me! What do you mean?

_White._ I believe it's the custom of all music-masters to first sing
the song they wish to teach. (_Aside to_ GRAY.) He can't sing a note.

_Gray._ (_Aside to_ WHITE.) He can't? good! Let's plague him.
(_Aloud._) Come, singing-master, proceed.

_Fred._ No matter about me. You two can sing, and when you make a
mistake I will correct it.

_Gray._ You'll correct it! That's good. With what, pray?

_Fred._ With this. (_Producing a ratten from under his jacket._)

_White._ O, dear, I don't like that sort of tuning-fork.

_Fred._ You'll get it if you don't hurry. Come, boys, "The Battle-cry
of Freedom."

_Gray._ (_Aside to_ WHITE.) Ned, do you know the song?

_White._ (_Aside._) I know just one line.

_Gray._ (_Aside._) O, dear, we're in a scrape. (_Aloud._) Master Fred,
will you please give me the first line? I've forgotten it.

_Fred._ Certainly. Let me see. "Rock me to sleep, mother." No, that
isn't it.

_White._ (_Aside._) He's split on that rock.

_Fred._ Hem! ah! "Dear father, dear father, come home." O, bother!

_Gray._ (_Aside._) It'll bother him to "come home" with that line.

_Fred._ "Give me a cot."--O, pshaw! I tell you what, boys, I didn't
come here to talk, but to listen: now you two sing away at once, or
down comes the ratten.

_Gray._ (_Aside._) I say, Ned, Brown doesn't know it? here's fun. Now
you just keep quiet, and ring in your line when I snap my fingers.

_White._ (_Aside._) All right. I understand. When you snap, I sing.

_Fred._ Come, come! Strike up, or I shall strike down.

_Gray._ (_Sings to the tune of the Battle-cry of Freedom_,)--

  "Mary had a little lamb;
  Its fleece was white as snow."

        (_Snaps his fingers._)

_White._ (_Very loud._)

"Shouting the battle-cry of freedom."

_Gray._ (_Sings._)

  "And everywhere that Mary went
  The lamb was sure to go." (_Snaps._)

_White._ "Shouting the battle-cry of freedom."

_Fred._ Capital! Perfectly correct, perfectly correct. Sing again.

_Gray._ (_Sings._)

  "It followed her to school one day;
  It was against the rule." (_Snaps._)

_White._ "Shouting the battle-cry of freedom."

_Gray._ (_Sings._)

  "It made the children laugh and play
  To see a lamb at school." (_Snaps._)

_White._ "Shouting the battle-cry of freedom."

_Fred._ Beautiful! beautiful! I couldn't do it better myself.

_Gray._ (_Aside._) I should think not.

_White._ Come, Mr. Singing-master, you try a stanza.

_Fred._ What, sir! do you want to shirk your task? Sing away.

_Gray._ (_Sings._)

  "And so the teacher turned him out;
  Yet still he lingered near."    (_Snaps._)

_White._ "Shouting the battle-cry of freedom."

_Gray._

  "And waited patiently about,
  Till Mary did appear."    (_Snaps._)

_White._ "Shouting the battle-cry of freedom."

_Fred._ Glorious! Why, boys, it's a perfect uproar.

_White._ There's enough, isn't there?

_Fred._ No, sir, four stanzas. Come, be quick.

_Gray._ I don't know any more.

_White._ I'm sure I don't.

_Fred._ Yes you do, you're trying to shirk; but I won't have it. You
want a taste of the rattan. Come, be lively.

_Gray._ (_Sings._)

  "'What makes the lamb love Mary so?'
  The eager children cry." (_Snaps._)

_White._ "Shouting the battle-cry of freedom."

_Gray._

  "'Why, Mary loves the lamb, you know,'
  The teacher did reply." (_Snaps._)

_White._ "Shouting the battle-cry of freedom."

_Fred._ There, boys, I knew you could sing. Now come in, and I will
tell Master Green how capitally you have done--that I couldn't do
better myself.

[_Exit._

_White._ Well, Johnny, we got out of that scrape pretty well.

_Gray._ Yes, Ned; but it's a poor way. I must pay a little more
attention to my singing.

_White._ And so must I, for we may not always have a teacher on whom
the old saying fits so well.

_Gray._ Old saying? What's that?

_White._ "Where ignorance is bliss--"

_Gray._ O, yes, "'Twere folly to be wise."

[_Exeunt._




THE VULTURE OF THE ALPS.

ANONYMOUS.

    [The following stirring poem is highly dramatic. The reader
    should, as far as possible, realize the feelings of the
    shepherd-parent as he sees "the youngest of his babes" borne
    in the iron-claws of the vulture high in mid air towards his
    golgotha of a nest. Much force of attitude and gesture is not
    only admissable, but called for, as the agonized father leans
    forward following the flight of the vulture.]


  I've been among the mighty Alps, and wandered through their vales,
  And heard the honest mountaineers relate their dismal tales,
  As round the cottage blazing hearth, when their daily work was o'er
  They spake of those who disappeared, and ne'er were heard of more.

  And there I from a shepherd heard a narrative of fear,
  A tale to rend a mortal heart, which mothers might not hear:
  The tears were standing in his eyes, his voice was tremulous.
  But, wiping all those tears away, he told his story thus:--

  "It is among these barren cliffs the ravenous vulture dwells,
  Who never fattens on the prey which from afar he smells;
  But, patient, watching hour on hour upon a lofty rock,
  He singles out some truant lamb, a victim, from the flock.

  "One cloudless Sabbath summer morn, the sun was rising high,
  When from my children on the green, I heard a fearful cry,
  As if some awful deed were done, a shriek of grief and pain,
  A cry, I humbly trust in God, I ne'er may hear again.

  "I hurried out to learn the cause; but, overwhelmed with fright,
  The children never ceased to shriek, and from my frenzied sight
  I missed the youngest of my babes, the darling of my care,
  But something caught my searching eyes, slow sailing through the
          air.

  "Oh! what an awful spectacle to meet a father's eye!
  His infant made a vulture's prey, with terror to descry!
  And know, with agonizing breast, and with a maniac rave,
  That earthly power could not avail, that innocent to save!

  "My infant stretched his little hands imploringly to me,
  And struggled with the ravenous bird, all vainly to get free,
  At intervals, I heard his cries, as loud he shrieked and screamed:
  Until, upon the azure sky, a lessening spot he seemed.

  "The vulture flapped his sail-like wings, though heavily he flew,
  A mote upon the sun's broad face he seemed unto my view:
  But once I thought I saw him stoop, as if he would alight;
  'Twas only a delusive thought, for all had vanished quite.

  "All search was vain, and years had passed; that child was ne'er
          forgot,
  When once a daring hunter climbed unto a lofty spot,
  From whence, upon a rugged crag the chamois never reached,
  He saw an infant's fleshless bones the elements had bleached!

  "I clambered up that rugged cliff; I could not stay away;
  I knew they were my infant's bones thus hastening to decay;
  A tattered garment yet remained, though torn to many a shred,
  The crimson cap he wore that morn was still upon the head."

  That dreary spot is pointed out to travellers passing by,
  Who often stand, and, musing, gaze, nor go without a sigh.
  And as I journeyed, the next morn, along my sunny way,
  The precipice was shown to me, whereon the infant lay.




FALSTAFF'S BOASTING

SHAKESPEARE.

    This scene will give a good chance to practise _variety_ of
    expression, both in words and action. Falstaff throws himself
    into all the attitudes, and elevates and depresses his
    voice, as if he was actually engaged in the combat he
    describes--preserving the utmost gravity of face, until he
    finds that the Prince has really detected him. Then the "fat
    rogue" bursts into a jolly, unctuous laugh, and carries off
    the honors, after all:


_P. Henry._ What's the matter?

_Fal._ What's the matter? there be four of us here have ta'en a
thousand pound this morning.

_P. Hen._ Where is it, Jack? where is it?

_Fal._ Where is it? taken from us it is: a hundred upon poor four of
us.

_P. Hen._ What, a hundred, man?

_Fal._ I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them
two hours together. I have 'scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust
through the doublet; four, through the hose; my buckler cut through
and through; my sword hacked like a hand-saw _ecce signum_. I never
dealt better since I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all
cowards!--Let them speak: if they speak more or less than truth, they
are villains, and the sons of darkness.

_P. Hen._ Speak, sirs: how was it?

_Gads._ We four set upon some dozen,--

_Fal._ Sixteen at least, my lord.

_Gads._ And bound them.

_Peto._ No, no, they were not bound.

_Fal._ You rogue, they were bound, every man of them; or I am a Jew
else, an Ebrew Jew.

_Gads._ As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us.

_Fal._ And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.

_P. Hen._ What, fought ye with them all?

_Fal._ All! I know not what ye call, all; but if I fought not with
fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish; if there were not two or three
and fifty upon poor old Jack, then I am no two-legged creature.

_Poins._ Pray God, you have not murdered some of them.

_Fal._ Nay, that's past praying for, for I have peppered two of them:
two, I am sure, I have paid; two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee
what, Hal,--if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse.
Thou knowest my old ward;--here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four
rogues in buckram let drive at me.--

_P. Hen._ What, four? thou said'st but two, even now.

_Fal._ Four, Hal; I told thee four.

_Poins._ Ay, ay, he said four.

_Fal._ These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at me. I made no
more ado, but took all their seven points in my target, thus.

_P. Hen._ Seven? why, there were but four, even now.

_Fal._ In buckram.

_Poins._ Ay, four in buckram suits.

_Fal._ Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.

_P. Hen._ Pr'ythee, let him alone; we shall have more anon.

_Fal._ Dost thou hear me, Hal?

_P. Hen._ Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.

_Fal._ Do, so, for it is worth the listening to. The nine in buckram
that I told thee of,----

_P. Hen._ So, two more already.

_Fal._ Their points being broken,----

_Poins._ Down fell their hose.

_Fal._ Began to give me ground: But I followed me close, came in foot
and hand: and, with a thought, seven of the eleven I paid.

_P. Hen._ O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of two!

_Fal._ But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves,
in Kendal green, came at my back, and let drive at me; for it was so
dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy hand.

_P. Hen._ These lies are like the father that begets them; gross as
a mountain, open palpable. Why, thou clay-brained guts; thou
knotty-pated fool! thou whoreson, obscene, greasy, tallow-keech,--

_Fal._ What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth, the truth?

_P. Hen._ Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green,
when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? come, tell us thy
reason; what sayest thou to this?

_Poins._ Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.

_Fal._ What, upon compulsion? No; were I at the strappado, or all the
racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a
reason on compulsion! if reasons were as plenty as blackberries I
would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.

_P. Hen._ I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine coward,
this bed-presser, this horse back-breaker, this huge hill of flesh;--

_Fal._ Away, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat's-tongue,
bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish,--O for breath to utter what is like
thee!--you tailor's yard, you sheathe, you bow-case, you vile standing
tuck;--

_P. Hen._ Well, breathe a while and then to it again; and when thou
hast tired thyself in base comparisons hear me speak but this.

_Poins._ Mark, Jack.

_P. Hen._ We two saw you four set on four: you bound them, and were
masters of their wealth.--Mark now how plain a tale shall put you
down.--Then did we two set on you four: and, with a word, out-faced
you from your prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here in the
house:--and, Falstaff, you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as
quick dexterity, and roared for mercy, and still ran and roared, as
ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword, as
thou hast done; and then say, it was a fight! What trick, what device,
what starting-hole, canst now find out, to hide thee from this open
and apparent shame?

_Poins._ Come, let's hear, Jack: What trick hast thou now?

_Fal._ By the Lord, I knew ye, as well as he that made ye. Why, hear
ye, my masters: Was it for me to kill the heir apparent? Should I turn
upon the true prince? Why, thou knowest, I am as valiant as Hercules;
but beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true prince. Instinct
is a great matter; I was a coward on instinct. I shall think the
better of myself and thee, during my life; I, for a valiant lion, and
thou for a true prince. But, by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have
the money.--Hostess, clap to the doors; watch to-night, pray
to-morrow.--Gallant, lads, boys, hearts of gold. All the titles of
good fellowship come to you! What, shall we be merry? shall we have a
play extempore?




ON TO FREEDOM.

DUGANNE.

    This poem should be delivered with bold energy, with flashing
    eye, swelling breast, and free action--as though the speaker's
    heart was full of the nobility of the theme:

    "There has been the cry--'On to Richmond!' And still another
    cry--On to England!' Better than either is the cry--'On to
    Freedom!'"

    CHARLES SUMNER.




  On to Freedom! On to Freedom!
    'Tis the everlasting cry
  Of the floods that strive with ocean--
    Of the storms that smite the sky;
  Of the atoms in the whirlwind,
    Of the seed beneath the ground--
  Of each living thing in Nature
        That is bound!
  'Twas the cry that led from Egypt,
    Through the desert wilds of Edom:
  Out of darkness--out of bondage--
    On to Freedom! On to Freedom!

  O! thou stony-hearted Pharaoh!
    Vainly warrest thou with God!
  Moveless, at thy palace portals,
    Moses waits, with lifted rod!
  O! thou poor barbarian, Xerxes!
    Vainly o'er the Pontic main
  Flingest thou, to curb its utterance,
        Scourge or chain!
  For, the cry that led from Egypt,
    Over desert wilds of Edom,
  Speaks alike through Greek and Hebrew;
    On to Freedom! On to Freedom!

  In the Roman streets, with Gracchus,
    Hark! I hear that cry outswell;
  In the German woods with Hermann,
    And on Switzer hills, with Tell;
  Up from Spartacus, the Bondman,
    When his tyrants yoke he clave,
  And from Stalwart Wat the Tyler--
        Saxon slave!
  Still the old, old cry of Egypt,
    Struggling up from wilds of Edom--
  Sounding still through all the ages:
    On to Freedom! On to Freedom!

  On to Freedom! On to Freedom!
    Gospel cry of laboring Time:
  Uttering still, through seers and sages,
    Words of hope and faith sublime!
  From our Sidneys, and our Hampdens,
    And our Washingtons they come:
  And we cannot, and we dare not
        Make them dumb!
  Out of all the shames of Egypt--
  Out of all the snares of Edom;
  Out of darkness--out of bondage--
    On to Freedom! On to Freedom!




THE MURDERED TRAVELLER.

WILLIAM CULLEN BRYANT.


  When spring, to woods and wastes around,
    Brought bloom and joy again,
  The murdered traveller's bones were found,
    Far down a narrow glen.

  The fragrant birch, above him, hung
    Her tassels in the sky;
  And many a vernal blossom sprung,
    And nodded, careless, by.

  The red-bird warbled, as he wrought
    His hanging nest o'erhead;
  And, fearless, near the fatal spot,
    Her young the partridge led.

  But there was weeping far away,
    And gentle eyes, for him,
  With watching many an anxious day,
    Grew sorrowful and dim.

  They little knew, who loved him so,
    The fearful death he met,
  When shouting o'er the desert snow,
    Unarmed, and hard beset.

  Nor how, when round the frosty pole,
    The northern dawn was red,
  The mountain-wolf and wild-cat stole,
    To banquet on the dead;

  Nor how, when strangers found his bones,
    They dressed the hasty bier,
 And marked his grave with nameless stones,
    Unmoistened by a tear.

  But long they looked, and feared and wept,
    Within his distant home;
  And dreamt and started as they slept,
    For joy that he was come.

  So long they looked--but never spied
    His welcome step again,
  Nor knew the fearful death he died,
    Far down that narrow glen.




DAVID'S LAMENT OVER ABSALOM.

N.P. WILLIS.


    This admirable composition gives ample scope for gentle,
    mournful, tear-stricken recitation. The thoughts prompt the
    speaker to natural expression:


                          The king stood still
  Till the last echo died: then throwing off
  The sackcloth from his brow, and laying back
  The pall from the still features of his child,
  He bowed his head upon him and broke forth
  In the resistless eloquence of woe:--

  "Alas! my noble boy! that thou should'st die
    Thou, who wert made so beautifully fair!
  That death should settle in thy glorious eye,
    And leave his stillness in this clustering hair.
  How could he mark _thee_ for the silent tomb,
        My proud boy, Absalom!

  "Cold is thy brow, my son! and I am chill,
    As to my bosom I have tried to press thee;
  How was I wont to feel my pulses thrill,
    Like a rich harp-string, yearning to caress thee,
  And hear thy sweet '_my father_' from these dumb
        And cold lips, Absalom!

  "The grave hath won thee. I shall hear the gush
    Of music, and the voices of the young;
  And life will pass me in the mantling blush,
    And the dark tresses to the soft winds flung;
  But thou no more, with thy sweet voice, shall come
    To meet me, Absalom!

  "And, oh! when I am stricken, and my heart,
    Like a bruised reed, is waiting to be broken,
  How will its love for thee, as I depart,
    Yearn for thine ear to drink its last deep token!
  It were so sweet, amid death's gathering gloom,
        To see thee, Absalom!

  "And now, farewell! 'Tis hard to give thee up,
    With death so like a gentle slumber on thee:--
  And thy dark sin!--Oh! I could drink the cup,
    If from this woe its bitterness had won thee.
  May God have called thee, like a wanderer, home,
        My erring Absalom!"

  He covered up his face, and bowed himself
  A moment on his child: then, giving him
  A look of melting tenderness, he clasped
  His hands convulsively, as if in prayer;
  And, as a strength were given him of God,
  He rose up calmly, and composed the pall
  Firmly and decently, and left him there,
  As if his rest had been a breathing sleep.




THE BOY ARCHER.

SHERIDAN KNOWLES.


    The fire and energy of Tell contrasts nobly with the youthful
    ambition of his son's young and noble heart. It is a charming
    exercise, and exceedingly effective when well delivered:


SCENE.--_Exterior of_ TELL'S _cottage. Enter_ ALBERT (TELL'S _son_)
_with bow and arrows, and_ VERNER.

  _Verner._ Ah! Albert! What have you there?

  _Albert._ My bow and arrows, Verner.

  _Ver._ When will you use them like your father, boy?

  _Alb._ Some time, I hope.

  _Ver._                    You brag! There's not an archer
  In all Helvetia can compare with him.

  _Alb._ But I'm his son; and when I am a man
  I may be like him. Verner, do I brag,
  To think I some time may be like my father?
  If so, then is it he that teaches me;
  For, ever as I wonder at his skill,
  He calls me boy, and says I must do more
  Ere I become a man.

  _Ver._                May you be such
  A man as he--if heaven wills, better--I'll
  Not quarrel with its work; yet 'twill content me
  If you are only such a man.

  _Alb._         I'll show you
  How I can shoot (_goes out to fix the mark._)

  _Ver._ Nestling as he is, he is the making of a bird
  Will own no cowering wing.

  _Re-enter_ ALBERT.

  _Alb._ Now, Verner, look! (_shoots_) There's within
  An inch!

  _Ver._ Oh, fy! it wants a hand.      [_Exit_ VERNER.

  _Alb._                A hand's
  An inch for me. I'll hit it yet. Now for it.

  _While_ ALBERT _continues to shoot,_ TELL _enters and watches
  him some time, in silence._

  _Tell._ That's scarce a miss that comes so near the mark?
  Well aimed, young archer! With what ease he bends
  The bow. To see those sinews, who'd believe
  Such strength did lodge in them? That little arm,
  His mother's palm can span, may help, anon,
  To pull a sinewy tyrant from his seat,
  And from their chains a prostrate people lift
  To liberty. I'd be content to die,
  Living to see that day! What, Albert!

  _Alb._                         Ah!
  My father!

  _Tell._ You raise the bow
  Too fast. (ALBERT _continues shooting._)
  Bring it slowly to the eye.--You've missed.
  How often have you hit the mark to-day?

  _Alb._ Not once, yet.

  _Tell._           You're not steady. I perceive
  You wavered now. Stand firm. Let every limb
  Be braced as marble, and as motionless.
  Stand like the sculptor's statue on the gate
  Of Altorf, that looks life, yet neither breathes
  Nor stirs. (ALBERT _shoots_) That's better!
  See well the mark. Rivet your eye to it
  There let it stick, fast as the arrow would,
  Could you but send it there. (ALBERT _shoots_)
  You've missed again! How would you fare,
  Suppose a wolf should cross your path, and you
  Alone, with but your bow, and only time
  To fix a single arrow? 'Twould not do
  To miss the wolf! You said the other day,
  Were you a man you'd not let Gesler live--
  'Twas easy to say that. Suppose you, now,
  Your life or his depended on that shot!--
  Take care! That's Gesler!--Now for liberty!
  Right to the tyrant's heart! (_hits the mark_) Well done, my boy!
  Come here. How early were you up?

  _Alb._ Before the sun.

  _Tell._ Ay, strive with him. He never lies abed
  When it is time to rise. Be like the sun.

  _Alb._ What you would have me like, I'll be like,
  As far as will to labor joined can make me.

  _Tell._ Well said, my boy! Knelt you when you got up To-day?

  _Alb._ I did; and do so every day.

  _Tell._ I know you do! And think you, when you kneel,
  To whom you kneel?

  _Alb._      To Him who made me, father.

  _Tell._ And in whose name?

  _Alb._      The name of Him who died
  For me and all men, that all men and I
  Should live

  _Tell._ That's right. Remember that my son:
  Forget all things but that--remember that!
  'Tis more than friends or fortune; clothing, food;
  All things on earth; yea, life itself!--It is
  To live, when these are gone, when they are naught--
  With God! My son remember that!

  _Alb._               I will.

  _Tell._ I'm glad you value what you're taught.
  That is the lesson of content, my son;
  He who finds which has all--who misses, nothing.

  _Alb._ Content is a good thing.

  _Tell._                       A thing, the good
  Alone can profit by. But go, Albert,
  Reach thy cap and wallet, and thy mountain staff.
  Don't keep me waiting.              [_Exit_ ALBERT.

  TELL. _paces the stage in thought. Re-enter_ ALBERT.

  _Alb._ I am ready, father.

  _Tell._ (_taking_ ALBERT _by the hand_). Now mark me, Albert
        Dost thou fear the snow,
  The ice-field, or the hail flaw? Carest thou for
  The mountain mist that settles on the peak,
  When thou art upon it? Dost thou tremble at
  The torrent roaring from the deep ravine,
  Along whose shaking ledge thy track doth lie?
  Or faintest thou at the thunder-clap, when on
  The hill thou art o'ertaken by the cloud,
  And it doth burst around thee? Thou must travel
  All night.

  _Alb._ I'm ready; say all night again.

  _Tell._ The mountains are to cross, for thou must reach
  Mount Faigel by the dawn.

  _Alb._ Not sooner shall
  The dawn be there than I.

  _Tell._           Heaven speeding thee.

  _Alb._ Heaven speeding me.

  _Tell._                   Show me thy staff. Art sure
  Of the point? I think 'tis loose. No--stay! 'Twill do.
  Caution is speed when danger's to be passed.
  Examine well the crevice. Do not trust the snow!
  'Tis well there is a moon to-night.
  You're sure of the track?

  _Alb._         Quite sure.

  _Tell._                    The buskin of
  That leg's untied; stoop down and fasten it.
  You know the point where you must round the cliff?

  _Alb._ I do.

  _Tell._       Thy belt is slack--draw it tight.
  Erni is in Mount Faigel: take this dagger
  And give it him! you know its caverns well.
  In one of them you will find him. Farewell.




A VENTRILOQUIST ON A STAGE-COACH.

HENRY COCKTON.


"Now then, look alive there!" shouted the coachman from the
booking-office door, as Valentine and his Uncle John approached. "Have
yow got that are mare's shoe made comfor'ble, Simon!"

"All right, sir," said Simon, and he went round to see if it were so,
while the luggage was being secured.

"Jimp up, genelmen!" cried the coachman, as he waddled from the office
with his whip in one hand and his huge way-bill in the other; and the
passengers accordingly proceeded to arrange themselves on the various
parts of the coach,--Valentine, by the particular desire of Uncle
John, having deposited himself immediately behind the seat of the
coachman.

"If you please," said an old lady, who had been standing in the
gateway upwards of an hour, "will you be good enow, please, to take
care of my darter?"

"All safe," said the coachman, untwisting the reins. "She shaunt take
no harm. Is she going all the way?"

"Yes, sir," replied the old lady; "God bless her! She's got a place in
Lunnun, an' I'm told--"

"Hook on them ere two sacks o' whoats there behind," cried the
coachman; "I marn't go without 'em this time.--Now, all right there?"

"Good by, my dear," sobbed the old lady, "do write to me soon, be sure
you do,--I only want to hear from you often. Take care of yourself."

"Hold hard!" cried the coachman, as the horses were dancing, on the
cloths being drawn from their loins. "Whit, whit!" and away they
pranced, as merrily as if they had known that _their_ load was nothing
when compared with the load they left behind them. Even old Uncle
John, as he cried "Good by, my dear boy," and waved his hand for the
last time, felt the tears trickling down his cheeks.

The salute was returned, and the coach passed on.

The fulness of Valentine's heart caused him for the first hour to
be silent; but after that, the constant change of scene and the pure
bracing air had the effect of restoring his spirits, and he felt
a powerful inclination to sing. Just, however, as he was about to
commence for his own amusement, the coach stopped to change horses. In
less than two minutes they started again, and Valentine, who then felt
ready for anything, began to think seriously of the exercise of his
power as a ventriloquist.

"Whit, whit!" said Tooler, the coachman, between a whisper and a
whistle, as the fresh horses galloped up the hill.

"Stop! hoa!" cried Valentine, assuming a voice, the sound of which
appeared to have travelled some distance.

"You have left some one behind," observed a gentleman in black, who
had secured the box seat.

"Oh, let un run a bit!" said Tooler. "Whit! I'll give un a winder up
this little hill, and teach un to be up in time in future. If we was
to wait for every passenger as chooses to lag behind, we shouldn't git
over the ground in a fortnit."

"Hoa! stop! stop! stop!" reiterated Valentine, in the voice of a man
pretty well out of breath.

Tooler, without deigning to look behind, retickled the haunches of his
leaders, and gleefully chuckled at the idea of _how_ he was making a
passenger sweat.

The voice was heard no more, and Tooler, on reaching the top of the
hill, pulled up and looked round, but could see no man running.

"Where is he?" inquired Tooler.

"In the ditch!" replied Valentine, throwing his voice behind.

"In the ditch!" exclaimed Tooler. "Blarm me, whereabouts?"

"There," said Valentine.

"Bless my soul!" cried the gentleman in black, who was an exceedingly
nervous village clergyman. "The poor person no doubt is fallen down
in an absolute state of exhaustion. How very, very wrong of you,
coachman, not to stop!"

Tooler, apprehensive of some serious occurrence, got down with
the view of dragging the exhausted passenger out of the ditch; but
although he ran several hundred yards down the hill, no such person of
course could be found.

"Who saw un?" shouted Tooler, as he panted up the hill again.

"I saw nothing," said a passenger behind, "but a boy jumping over the
hedge."

Tooler looked at his way-bill, counted the passengers, found them all
right, and, remounting the box, got the horses again into a gallop, in
the perfect conviction that some villanous young scarecrow had raised
the false alarm.

"Whit! blarm them 'ere boys!" said Tooler, "'stead o' mindin' their
crows, they are allus up to suffen. I only wish I had un here, I'd pay
_on_ to their blarmed bodies; if I would n't--" At this interesting
moment, and as if to give a practical illustration of what he would
have done in the case, he gave the off-wheeler so telling a cut round
the loins that the animal without any ceremony kicked over the trace.
Of course Tooler was compelled to pull up again immediately; and after
having adjusted the trace, and asking the animal seriously what he
meant, at the same time enforcing the question by giving him a blow on
the bony part of the nose, he prepared to remount; but just as he had
got his left foot upon the nave of the wheel, Valentine so admirably
imitated the sharp snapping growl of a dog in the front boot, that
Tooler started back as quickly as if he had been shot, while the
gentleman in black dropped the reins and almost jumped into the road.

"Good gracious!" exclaimed the gentleman in black, trembling with
great energy; "How wrong, how very horribly wrong, of you, coachman,
not to tell me that a dog had been placed beneath my feet."

"Blarm their carcases!" cried Tooler, "they never told _me_ a dog was
shoved there. Lay _down_! We'll soon have yow out there together!"

"Not for the world!" cried the gentleman in black, as Tooler
approached the foot-board in order to open it. "Not for the world!
un-un-un-less you le-le-let me get down first. I have no desire to
pe-pe-perish of hydropho-phobia."

"Kip yar fut on the board then, sir, please," said Tooler, "we'll soon
have the varmint out o' that." So saying, he gathered up the reins,
remounted the box, and started off the horses again at full gallop.

The gentleman in black then began to explain to Tooler how utterly
inconceivable was the number of persons who had died of hydrophobia
within an almost unspeakable short space of time, in the immediate
vicinity of the residence of a friend of his in London; and just as
he had got into the marrow of a most excruciating description of the
intense mental and physical agony of which the disease in its worst
stage was productive, both he and Tooler suddenly sprang back, with
their feet in the air, and their heads between the knees of the
passengers behind them, on Valentine giving a loud growling snap, more
bitingly indicative of anger than before.

As Tooler had tightly hold of the reins when he made this involuntary
spring, the horses stopped on the instant, and allowed him time to
scramble up again without rendering the slow process dangerous.

"I cannot, I-I-I positively cannot," said the gentleman in black, who
had been thrown again into a dreadful state of excitement, "I cannot
sit here,--my nerves cannot endure it; it's perfectly shocking."

"Blister their bowls!" exclaimed Tooler, whose first impulse was to
drag the dog out of the boot at all hazards, but who, on seeing the
horses waiting in the road a short distance ahead for the next stage,
thought it better to wait till he had reached them. "I'll make un
remember this the longest day o' thar blessed lives,--blarm un! Phih!
I'll let un know when I get back, I warrant. I'll larn un to--"

"Hoa, coachman! hoa! my hat's off!" cried Valentine, throwing his
voice to the back of the coach.

"Well, _may_ I be--phit!" said Tooler. "I'll make yow run for't
anyhow--phit!"

In less than a minute the coach drew up opposite the stable, when the
gentleman in black at once proceeded to alight. Just, however, as
his foot reached the plate of the roller-bolt, another growl from
Valentine frightened him backwards, when falling upon one of the
old horse-keepers, he knocked him fairly down, and rolled over him
heavily.

"Darng your cloomsy carkus," cried the horse-keeper, gathering himself
up, "carn't you git oof ar cooarch aroat knocking o' pipple darn?"

"I-I-I beg pardon," tremblingly observed the gentleman in black; "I
hope I-I--"

"Whoap! pardon!" contemptuously echoed the horse-keeper as he limped
towards the bars to unhook the leaders' traces.

"Now then, yow warmint, let's see who yow belong to," said Tooler,
approaching the mouth of the boot; but just as he was in the act of
raising the foot-board, another angry snap made him close it again
with the utmost rapidity.

"Lay down! blarm your body!" cried Tooler, shrinking back. "Here, yow
Jim, kim here, bor, and take this 'ere devil of a dog out o' that."

Jim approached, and the growling was louder than before, while the
gentleman in black implored Jim to take care that the animal didn't
get hold of his hand.

"Here, yow Harry!" shouted Jim, "yare noot afeared o' doogs
together,--darng un, _I_ doont like un."

Accordingly Harry came, and then Sam, and then Bob, and then Bill; but
as the dog could not be seen, and as the snarling continued, neither
of them dared to put his hand in to drag the monster forth. Bob
therefore ran off for Tom Titus the blacksmith, who was supposed to
care for nothing, and in less than two minutes Tom Titus arrived with
about three feet of rod-iron red hot.

"Darng un!" cried Tom, "this ere 'll maake un _quit_ together!"

"Dear me! my good man," said the gentleman in black, "don't use that
unchristian implement! don't put the dumb thing to such horrible
torture!"

"It don't siggerfy a button," cried Tooler, "I marn't go to stop here
all day. Out he must come."

Upon this Tom Titus introduced his professional weapon, and commenced
poking about with considerable energy, while the snapping and growling
increased with each poke.

"I'll tell you what it is," said Tom Titus, turning round and wiping
the sweat off his brow with his naked arm, "this here cretur here's
stark raavin' mad."

"I knew that he was," cried the gentleman in black, getting into an
empty wagon which stood without horses just out of the road; "I felt
perfectly sure that he was rabid."

"He 's a bull-terrier too," said Tom Titus, "I knows it by 's growl.
It 's the worsest and dargdest to go maad as is."

"Well, what shall us do wi' th' warment?" said Tooler.

"Shoot him! shoot him!" cried the gentleman in black.

"O, I 've goot a blunderbus, Bob!" said Tom Titus, "yow run for 't
together, it 's top o' the forge."

Bob started at once, and Tom kept on the bar, while Tooler, Sam, and
Harry, and Bob held the heads of the horses.

"He 's got un; all right!" cried Tom Titus, as Bob neared the coach
with the weapon on his shoulder. "Yow 'll be doon in noo time," he
added as he felt with his rod to ascertain in which corner of the boot
the bull-terrier lay.

"Is she loarded?" asked Bob, as he handed Tom Titus the instrument of
death.

"Mind you make the shot come out at bottom," shouted Tooler.

"I hool," said Tom Titus, putting the weapon to his shoulder. "Noo the
Loord ha' marcy on yar, as joodge says sizes," and instantly let fly.

The horses of course plunged considerably, but still did no mischief;
and before the smoke had evaporated, Valentine introduced into the
boot a low melancholy howl, which convinced Tom Titus that the shot
had taken effect.

"He 's giv oop the ghost; darng his carkus!" cried Tom, as he poked
the dead body in the corner.

"Well, let 's have a look at un," said Tooler, "let 's see what the
warment is like."

The gentleman in black at once leaped out of the wagon, and every one
present drew near, when Tom, guided by the rod which he had kept upon
the body, put his hand into the boot, and drew forth a fine hare that
had been shattered by the shot all to pieces.

"He arn't a bull-terrier," cried Bob.

"But that arn't he," said Tom Titus. "He 's some'er aboot here as dead
as a darng'd nail. I know he 's a corpse."

"Are you sure on 't?" asked Tooler.

"There arn't any barn door deader," cried Tom. "Here, I'll lug um out
an' show yar."

"No, no!" shouted Tooler, as Tom proceeded to pull out the luggage.
"I marn't stay for that. I 'm an hour behind now, blarm un! jimp up,
genelmen!"

Tom Titus and his companions, who wanted the bull-terrier as a trophy,
entreated Tooler to allow them to have it, and, having at length
gained his consent, Tom proceeded to empty the boot. Every eye was, of
course, directed to everything drawn out, and when Tom made a solemn
declaration that the boot was empty, they were all, at once, struck
with amazement. Each looked at the other with astounding incredulity,
and overhauled the luggage again and again.

"Do you mean to say," said Tooler, "that there arn't nuffin else in
the boot?"

"Darnged a thing!" cried Tom Titus, "coom and look." And Tooler did
look, and the gentleman in black looked, and Bob looked, and Harry
looked, and Bill looked, and Sam looked, and all looked, but found the
boot empty.

"Well, blarm me!" cried Tooler. "But darng it all, he must be
somewhere!"

"I' ll taake my solum davy," said Bill, "that he _was_ there."

"I seed um myself," exclaimed Bob, "wi' my oarn eyes, an' didn't loike
the looks on um a bit."

"There cannot," said the gentleman in black, "be the smallest possible
doubt about his having been there; but the question for our mature
consideration is, where is he now?"

"I 'll bet a pint," said Harry, "you blowed um away?"

"Blowed um away, you fool!--how could I ha' blowed um away?"

"Why, he _was_ there," said Bob, "and he baint there noo, and he baint
here nayther, so you mus ha' blowed um out o' th' boot; 'sides, look
at the muzzle o' this ere blunderbust!"

"Well, of all the rummest goes as ever happened," said Tooler,
thrusting his hands to the very bottom of his pockets, "this ere flogs
'em all into nuffin!"

"It is perfectly astounding!" exclaimed the gentleman in black,
looking again into the boot, while the men stood and stared at each
other with their mouths as wide open as human mouths could be.

"Well, in wi' 'em agin," cried Tooler, "in wi' 'em!--Blarm me if this
here arn't a queer un to get over."

The luggage was accordingly replaced, and Tooler, on mounting the
box, told the men to get a gallon of beer, when the gentleman in black
generously gave them half a crown, and the horses started off, leaving
Tom with his blunderbuss, Harry, Bill, Sam, and their companions,
bewildered with the mystery which the whole day spent in the alehouse
by no means enabled them to solve.




THERE'S BUT ONE PAIR OF STOCKINGS TO MEND TO-NIGHT.

    Recite this in a simple unaffected manner; carefully
    avoiding anything like _rant_. At times the voice should sink
    tremulously low, as the good dame recalls memories of her
    departed children:


  An old wife sat by her bright fireside,
    Swaying thoughtfully to and fro,
  In an ancient chair whose creaky frame
    Told a tale of long ago;
  While down by her side, on the kitchen floor,
  Stood a basket of worsted balls--a score.

  The old man dozed o'er the latest news,
    Till the light of his pipe went out,
  And, unheeded, the kitten, with cunning paws,
    Rolled and tangled the balls about;
  Yet still sat the wife in the ancient chair,
  Swaying to and fro, in the firelight glare.

  But anon a misty tear-drop came
    In her eye of faded blue,
  Then trickled down in a furrow deep,
    Like a single drop of dew;
  So deep was the channel--so silent the stream--
  The good man saw naught but the dimmed eye-beam.

  Yet he marvelled much that the cheerful light
    Of her eye had weary grown,
  And marvelled he more at the tangled balls;
    So he said in a gentle tone,
  "I have shared thy joys since our marriage vow,
  Conceal not from me thy sorrows now."

  Then she spoke of the time when the basket there
    Was filled to the very brim,
  And how there remained of the goodly pile
    But a single pair--for him.
  "Then wonder not at the dimmed eye-light,
  There's but one pair of stockings to mend to-night.

  "I cannot but think of the busy feet,
    Whose wrappings were wont to lie
  In the basket, awaiting the needle's time,
    Now wandered so far away;
  How the sprightly steps to a mother dear,
  Unheeded fell on the careless ear.

  "For each empty nook in the basket old,
    By the hearth there's a vacant seat;
  And I miss the shadows from off the wall,
    And the patter of many feet;
  'Tis for this that a tear gathered over my sight
  At the one pair of stockings to mend to-night.

  "'Twas said that far through the forest wild,
    And over the mountains bold,
  Was a land whose rivers and darkening caves
    Were gemmed with the rarest gold;
  Then my first-born turned from the oaken door,
  And I knew the shadows were only four.

  "Another went forth on the foaming waves
    And diminished the basket's store--
  But his feet grew cold--so weary and cold--
    They'll never be warm any more--
  And this nook in its emptiness, seemeth to me
  To give forth no voice but the moan of the sea.

  "Two others have gone towards the setting sun,
    And made them a home in its light,
  And fairy fingers have taken their share
    To mend by the fireside bright;
  Some other baskets their garments fill--
  But mine! Oh, mine is emptier still.

  "Another--the dearest--the fairest--the best--
    Was ta'en by the angels away,
  And clad in a garment that waxeth not old,
    In a land of continual day.
  Oh! wonder no more at the dimmed eye-light,
  While I mend the one pair of stockings to-night."




A LOVE OF A BONNET

(FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY.)


CHARACTERS.

  MRS. CLIPPER, a Widow.
  KITTY, her Daughter.
  AUNT JEMIMA HOPKINS, a leetle inquisitive.
  MRS. HORTENSIA FASTONE, very genteel.
  DORA, her Daughter.
  KATY DOOLAN, Irish Help.

SCENE.--_Room in_ MRS. CLIPPER'S _House. Lounge_, L.; _Chairs_, C.;
_Table and Rocking-chair, Looking-glass_, R.

_Enter_ MRS. CLIPPER _and_ KITTY, R.

_Mrs. C._ But really, Kitty, I cannot afford it.

_Kitty._ O, yes, you can, mother; just this once. It's such a love of
a bonnet! it's so becoming! and it only costs fifteen dollars.

_Mrs. C._ Fifteen dollars! Why, child, you are crazy! We cannot afford
to be so extravagant. The income derived from the property your dear
father left will only allow us to dress in the most economical manner.

_Kitty._ But this bonnet is not extravagant. Dora Fastone wears a
bonnet which cost twenty-five-dollars, and her father has failed five
or six times. I don't see why I can't have a new bonnet as well as
that proud, stuck-up--

_Mrs. C._ Hush, my child! never speak ill of our neighbors because
they dress better than we do. If they spend money foolishly, we should
endeavor to use ours to better purpose. I am sure I should be glad to
gratify you, but we have so many expenses. Your music lessons cost a
great deal of money; and your brother Harry, off at school, is really
suffering for a new suit of clothes. I must send him some money
to-day.

_Kitty._ O, he can wait; he's only a boy; and no one cares how he
looks; but young ladies must dress, or they are thought nothing of. O,
you must let me have the bonnet, mamma!

_Mrs. C._ If you have this bonnet, Kitty, Harry must go without his
new suit.

_Kitty._ If you could just see it! It's such a love of a bonnet! Do
let me run down and ask Miss Thompson to send it up for you to look
at.

_Mrs. C._ I've no objection to that; and if you think you need it more
than Harry does his new suit, why--

_Kitty._ You'll let me have it. That's a good, dear mother. I know you
wouldn't refuse. I'll run to Miss Thompson's. I won't be gone long. I
suppose I am selfish; but then, mother, it's such a love of a bonnet.
[_Exit_, L.

_Mrs. C._ (_Sits in a rocking-chair._) Dear child, it is hard to
refuse her! But one should be made of money to keep up with the
extravagant fashions of the day.

_Enter_ AUNT HOPKINS, R.

_Aunt H._ Angelina, what on airth have them air Joneses got for
dinner? I've sot and sot at that air front winder till I've got a
crick in my back a tryin' to find out whether it's lamb or mutton.
It's something roasted, anyhow.

_Mrs. C._ Aunt Hopkins, you are very inquisitive!

_Aunt H._ Inquisitive! Law sakes, do hear the child talk! Neow, what
harm kin there be in tryin' to find eout what your neighbors have got
for dinner? I mean to put on my bunnet and run acrost and see. I know
they've got apple dumplin's, for I see the hired gal throw the parin's
out into the yard.

_Mrs. C._ Run across! Don't dream of such a thing!

_Aunt H._ Well, I'm goin' up stairs to git my specs and have another
good look, anyhow; for I'm jest dyin' to know whether it's lamb or
mutton. Land sakes! what's the use of livin', ef you can't know how
other folks live? [_Exit_, R.

_Mrs. C._ Aunt Hopkins!--She's gone! Dear me, she does worry me
terribly! What will our neighbors think of us?

_Enter_ KATY DOOLAN, L.

_Katy._ If you plase, mam, may I coome in?

_Mrs. C._ Certainly, Katy. What's the matter?

_Katy._ If you plase, mam, I have a letther; and would you plase rade
it for me?

_Mrs. C._ (_Takes letter._) Certainly, Katy. From your lover?

_Katy._ Indeed, mam, I have no lover. It's my cousin, mam.

_Mrs. C._ O, your cousin. (_Opens letter._) "Light ov my sowl!" Why,
this cannot be your cousin.

_Katy._ Indade, indade, it be, sure! It's only the insinivatin' way he
has, mam!

_Mrs. C._ (_Reads._) "Bewitchin' Katy! and how are ye's onyhow? I take
my pin in hand to till ye's I am yurs, in good hilth and sphirits;
and it's hopin' ye's the same, truly! The pulsitations uv my heart
are batin' wid the love I bears ye's, darlin' Katy! the fairest
flower--niver mind the blot--that iver bloomed an the family tree uv
Phil Doolan uv Tipperary, dead and gone this siven years, bliss his
sowl,--and how are ye's? An' by the same token that I loves ye's much,
I sind by the ixpriss, freight paid, a new bunnit, which my cousin
Biddy Ryan, for my dear love, have made for ye's charmin' Katy Doolan!
Wear it nixt ye's heart! And if ye git it before this letther coomes
to hand, ye's may know it is from

  Your ever sighin',
  Wid love for ye's dyin',
  CORNALIUS RYAN.

P.S. If ye's don't resave this letther, sind me word uv mouth by the
man who fetches the bunnit."

_Mrs. C._ That's a very loving epistle.

_Katy._ Pistol, it is? Faith, I thought it was a letther.

_Mrs. C._ And so it is; and a very loving one! Your _cousin_ has sent
you a new bonnet.

_Katy._ Is it in the letther, mam!

_Mrs. C._ It is coming by express.

_Katy._ Sure, he might sind it in the letther, and save expinse. What
will I do?

_Mrs. C._ Wait patiently until the bonnet arrives.

_Katy._ Will Cornalius coome wid it?

_Mrs. C._ I think not. The expressman will bring it.

_Katy._ Sure, I don't want the ixpressman. It's Cornalius I want.

_Mrs. C._ This cousin of yours seems very affectionate. Are you going
to marry him some day?

_Katy._ Some day?--yis, mam. He tould me, Would I? and I axed him,
Yes. What will I do with the letther, mam?

_Mrs. C._ Keep it with your treasures. It should be precious to you.

_Katy._ Faith, thin I'll put it in the savings bank with my money. I'm
obliged, to ye's Mrs. Clipper, mam. If you plase, what was that last
in the letther?

_Mrs. C._

  "Your ever sighin',
  Wid love for ye's dyin',
  Cornalius Ryan."

_Katy._ O, don't, ma'am! Ye's make me blush wid the shame I fail. Och!
it's a quare darlin', wid all his sighin', is Cornalius Ryan! Och,
musha! it's an illigant lad he is, onyhow! [_Exit_, L.

_Mrs. C._ So we are to have another new bonnet in the family! Well,
Katy is a good girl, and I hope will get a good husband, as well as a
new bonnet.

[_Exit_, L.

_Enter_ AUNT HOPKINS, R., _with a bandbox._

_Aunt H._ It's mutton! I was determined to find eout, and I have! I
saw that air Jones boy a playin' in the street, and I asked him
what his folks had got for dinner, and he said mutton, and neow I'm
satisfied on that air p'int. I wonder what's in this 'ere bandbox!
I saw that express cart stop here, and the man said it was for Miss
Kitty somebody; of course, Angelina's darter. I do wonder what it is!
(_Opens box._) Well I declare! A spic span new bunnet! (_Takes out a
very large, gaudily-trimmed bonnet._) And sich a bunnet! Ribbons
and lace, flowers and feathers! Now that's jest what I call a tasty
bunnet! I mean to try it on. It'll jest suit my complexion. Law sakes!
here comes Kitty! 'Twon't do to let her know I've been at her things!
(_Puts bonnet back into box, and places it behind the table._)

_Enter_ KITTY, L.,

_Kitty._ O, aunt Hopkins! Where's mother?

_Aunt H._ Land sakes! I don't know no more than the child unborn!

_Kitty._ Dear me! Here are Mrs. Fastone and Dora coming up the steps!
What shall I do?

_Aunt H._ Why, let 'em in, of course!

_Kitty._ Has my new bonnet come yet?

_Aunt H._ Indeed it has! And sich a beauty!

_Kitty._ O, I'm so glad! But where is it?

_Aunt H._ Down there behind the table. I hain't teched it; only jest
took a peep.

_Kitty._ I'll let Miss Dora see that some people can dress as well as
some other people. Aunt Hopkins, you must manage to draw attention to
my new bonnet while the visitors are here, to give me an opportunity
to show it.

_Aunt H._ Why, I'll take it right eout the fust hing.

_Kitty._ No, no! that would be too abrupt. Manage to speak of bonnets;
but do not show it until they ask to see it.

_Aunt H._ Well, I guess I know heow to do it genteelly.

_Enter_ KATY, L.

_Katy._ Two ladies to see you, miss. (_Crosses to_ R.)

_Kitty._ Where's mother, Katy?

_Katy._ Gone to the butcher's, miss. [_Exit_ R.

_Aunt H._ Butcher's? Wal, I do hope she'll git some mutton, for the
Joneses has it; and we ought to be as genteel as our neighbours.

_Enter_ MRS. FASTONE _and_ DORA, L., _very elegantly attired_.

_Mrs. F._ My dear child, how do you do?

_Kitty._ (_Shaking hands with her, and afterwards with_ DORA.) I'm
delighted to see you! Hope you are quite well, and Dora.

_Mrs. F._ Quite well--aren't you, Dora?

_Dora._ Quite, mamma.

_Kitty._ Pray be seated, ladies. (_They sit on lounge._) Mrs. Hopkins,
Mrs. Fastone.

_Aunt H._ (_Steps over and shakes hands._) Hope you are pretty well,
ma'am, and you, too, miss, though you do look awful delicate! And
how's your husband? He's a broker--ain't he? (_Sits in rocking-chair,
and keeps it in motion._)

_Mrs. F._ Yes, Mrs. Hopkins, Mr. Fastone is a broker, engaged day
after day in the busy vortex of fluctuating enterprises.

_Aunt H._ Well, I never hearn tell of that business afore; but I
s'pose it's profitable, or you couldn't afford to dress so. Is that a
silk or a poplin you've got on?

_Kitty._ (_Brings her chair; sits_, C.) Aunt Hopkins!--Mother has
stepped out to make a call.

_Aunt H._ No, she hain't; she's only gone to the butcher's.

_Kitty._ Aunt Hopkins!--Mrs. Fastone, what is the news?

_Mrs. F._ Well, really nothing. I am dying of _ennui_, the world is
so quiet; no excitement to move the placid waters of fashionable
society--is there, Dora?

_Dora._ Nothing, mamma.

_Mrs. F._ Nothing to see, nothing to hear, nothing to wear,--is there,
Dora?

_Dora._ Nothing, mamma.

_Aunt H._ Nothing to wear! Yes, there's bunnets.

_Kitty._ Aunt Hopkins!--Mrs. Fastone, you are quite correct.

_Mrs. F._ Mrs. Hopkins spoke of bonnets. I have been so disappointed!
Thompson had a perfect love of a bonnet that I had quite set my
heart upon for Dora; but it is gone, and the poor child is almost
broken-hearted--ain't you, Dora?

_Dora._ Quite, mamma.

_Kitty._ I am very sorry, for bonnets are so hard to find. I have been
very much perplexed about them myself. They are so very commonplace;
no air of refinement about them.

_Mrs. F._ None, whatever--is there, Dora?

_Dora._ None, mamma.

_Kitty._ I've just had a new one sent home, but it doesn't suit me.

_Aunt H._ Why, Kitty, how you talk! It's a regular beauty!

_Kitty._ Aunt Hopkins!--It is not what I wanted, but Thompson said it
was the most stylish she had.

_Mrs. F._ Thompson! Did you get it of Thompson?

_Kitty._ Yes, all my bonnets come from Thompson.

_Mrs. F._ Do let me see it!

_Aunt H._ (_Jumps up._) I'll show it to you right off. It's an eligunt
bunnet. (_Gets bandbox._)

_Kitty._ Aunt Hopkins!

_Aunt H._ Neow don't aunt Hopkins me! for I'm going to show 'em jest
how it looks on yer; set still; for if there's anything I pride myself
on, it's showin' off a bunnet. (_Stands behind_ KITTY, _puts the
bonnet on her head, and ties it._) There! ain't that a beauty?

_Mrs. F._ Why! what a hor--a handsome bonnet! Did you ever see
anything like it, Dora?

_Dora._ Never, mamma!

_Aunt H._ That's the style, marm.

_Mrs. F._ Really! I want to know! And this is Thompson's most stylish
bonnet! Really, how the fashions do change! Did you ever, Dora!

_Dora._ Never, mamma!

_Kitty._ (_Aside._) I do believe they are laughing! Aunt Hopkins, I
cannot get it off! You've tied it in a hard knot!

_Mrs. F._ It's very becoming--isn't it, Dora?

_Dora._ O, very, mamma.

_Mrs. F._ (_Aside to_ DORA.)--What a horrid fright!

_Dora._ Frightful, mamma!

_Mrs. F._ I believe we must be moving, for I must hurry to Thompson's
and order just such a bonnet for Dora. Good day. You have such a
charming taste--hasn't she, Dora?

_Dora._ Charming, mamma! (_They bow, and exeunt_, L., _with their
handkerchiefs to their mouths, endeavouring to conceal their
laughter._)

_Kitty._ Good day. Call again.--The hateful things! They are laughing
at me. What ails this bonnet. (_Goes to glass._) Goodness gracious;
what a fright! This is not my bonnet. Aunt Hopkins, you've ruined me!
I shall be the laughing-stock of the whole neighbourhood. (_Tears off
the bonnet._)

_Enter_ MRS. CLIPPER, R.

_Mrs. C._ Have the Fastones gone?

_Kitty._ I hope so. O, mother, send aunt Hopkins home; she's made me
look ridiculous!

_Aunt H._ Well, I declare! this comes of trying to please folks!

_Mrs. C._ Is _that_ your love of a bonnet, Kitty?

_Kitty._ No, indeed! Aunt Hopkins, where did you get this hateful
thing?

_Aunt H._ Out of that bandbox.

_Kitty._ (_Takes up the cover._) It's marked "Miss Katy Doolan."
You've made a pretty mess of it!

_Aunt H._ Sakes alive! It's the hired gal's! Well, I never!

_Mrs. C._ But where's the bonnet you sent from Thompson's?

_Katy._ (_Outside._) O, murder! that iver I should say this day!

_Enter_ KATY, R., (_holding in her hand an elegant bonnet._)

The mane, stingy blackgurd has sint me this whisp of a bunnet, that
I'll niver git on my head at all at all!

_Kitty._ That's my bonnet!

_Katy._ Is it, indade? and perhaps ye's be afther claiming the letther
Cornalius Ryan sint wid it.

_Mrs. C._ No, no, Katy; there's a little mistake here. This is your
bonnet.

_Katy._ Faith, now, isn't that a darling, jist! I'll wear it to church
to-morrow, sure.

_Kitty._ Put it on now, Katy; and then take this wisp of a bonnet, as
you call it, to Miss Thompson, with my best compliments and tell her I
have decided not to keep it.

_Mrs. C._ Why, Kitty, I thought your heart was set upon having it.

_Kitty._ So it was, mother; but I shall never dare to wear it, after
the ridiculous appearance I have just made. It's too fine for me. My
conscience gave me a little twinge as I was coming home. Send Harry
the money for his new suit. My old bonnet is quite good enough for me.

_Aunt H._ Neow that's what I call a self-denyin' gal. I'll fix it up
for you; for if there's anything I pride myself on doin', it's fixing
up old bunnets.

_Kitty._ And trying on new ones! No, I thank you, aunt Hopkins.
Hereafter I'll look after my bonnets myself. I think our acquaintance
with Mrs. Fastone will be broken off by this adventure; and so I will
make a merit of necessity, abandon fashionable society, and be more
humble in my demeanor and in my dress.

_Mrs. C._ Ah, my child, you will be better satisfied with your
decision, as you grow older, and see how frivolous are the demands of
fashion, and how little happiness can be obtained by lavish display.
And I think this little adventure, though a severe lesson, will be far
more profitable than the possession of that "love of a bonnet."




DRAFTED.

MRS. H.L. BOSTWICK.

    The opening stanzas of this poem should be recited in an
    agitated, broken voice, as though the fond mother could not
    fully realize the fact of her boy being drafted:--in the end
    the voice changes to a firmer and gentler tone, as a spirit of
    resignation fills the mother's heart:


  My son! What! Drafted? My Harry! Why, man, 'tis a boy at his books;
  No taller, I'm sure, than your Annie--as delicate, too, in his
          looks.
  Why, it seems but a day since he helped me girl-like, in my
          kitchen at tasks;
  He drafted! Great God, can it be that our President knows what he
          asks?

  He never could wrestle, this boy, though in spirit as brave as the
          best;
  Narrow-chested, a little, you notice, like him who has long been
          at rest.
  Too slender for over much study--why, his master has made him to-day
  Go out with his ball on the common--and you have drafted a child
          at his play!

  "Not a patriot?" Fie! Did I wimper when Robert stood up with his
          gun,
  And the hero-blood chafed in his forehead, the evening we heard of
          Bull Run?
  Pointing his finger at Harry, but turning his eyes to the wall,
  "There's a staff growing up for your age, mother," said Robert,
          "if I am to fall."

  "Eighteen?" Oh I know! And yet narrowly; just a wee babe on the day
  When his father got up from a sick-bed and cast his last ballot
          for Clay.
  Proud of his boy and his ticket, said he, "A new morsel of fame
  We'll lay on the candidate's altar"--and christened the child with
          his name.

  Oh, what have I done, a weak woman, in what have I meddled with
          harm,
  (Troubling only my God for the sunshine and rain on my rough
          little farm,)
  That my ploughshares are beaten to swords, and whetted before my
          eyes,
  That my tears must cleanse a foul nation, my lamb be a sacrifice?

  Oh, 'tis true there's a country to save, man, and 'tis true there
          is no appeal,
  But did God see my boy's name lying the uppermost one in the wheel?
  Five stalwart sons has my neighbour, and never the lot upon one;
  Are these things Fortune's caprices, or is it God's will that is
          done?

  Are the others too precious for resting where Robert is taking his
          rest,
  With the pictured face of young Annie lying over the rent in his
          breast?
  Too tender for parting with sweet hearts? Too fair to be crippled
          or scarred?
  My boy! Thank God for these tears--I was growing so bitter and hard!

       *       *       *       *       *

  Now read me a page in the Book, Harry, that goes in your knapsack
          to-night,
  Of the eye that sees when the sparrow grows weary and falters in
          flight;
  Talk of something that's nobler than living, of a Love that is
          higher than mine,
  And faith which has planted its banner where the heavenly
          camp-fires shine.

  Talk of something that watches us softly, as the shadows glide
          down in the yard;
  That shall go with my soldier to battle, and stand with my picket
          on guard.
  Spirits of loving and lost ones--watch softly with Harry to-night,
  For to-morrow he goes forth to battle--to arm him for Freedom and
          Right!




AN ERUPTION OF MOUNT VESUVIUS.

BULWER.

    The following magnificent description of perhaps the most
    awful phenomenon in nature, gives full scope for almost every
    tone and gesture. Care should, however, be taken that the
    natural grandeur of the subject be not marred by a stilted,
    pompous, or affected delivery. Let the speaker try to realize
    the thought and feelings of a spectator of the dark scene of
    desolation, and he cannot go amiss:


The eyes of the crowd beheld, with ineffable dismay, a vast vapour
shooting from the summit of Vesuvius, in the form of a gigantic
pine-tree; the trunk, blackness; the branches, fire, that shifted and
wavered in its hues with every moment: now fiercely luminous, now of
a dull and dying red, that again blazed terrifically forth with
intolerable glare.

Then there arose on high the universal shrieks of women; the men
stared at each other, but were dumb. At that moment they felt the
earth shake beneath their feet; the walls of the theatre trembled;
and beyond, in the distance, they heard the crash of falling roofs. An
instant more, and the mountain-cloud seemed to roll toward them, dark
and rapid like a torrent; at the same time it cast forth from its
bosom a shower of ashes, mixed with fragments of burning stone! Over
the crushing vines, over the desolate streets, over the amphitheatre
itself,--far and wide,--with many a mighty splash in the agitated sea,
fell that awful shower!

The cloud advanced, darker, disgorging showers of ashes and pumice
stones; and, amid the other horrors, the mighty mountain now cast
up columns of boiling water. Blent and kneaded with the half-burning
ashes, the streams fell like seething mud over the streets, in
frequent intervals.

The cloud, which had scattered so deep a murkiness over the day, at
length settled into a solid and impenetrable mass. But in proportion
as the blackness gathered did the lightnings around Vesuvius increase
in their vivid and scorching glare.

Nor was their horrible beauty confined to their hues of fire. Now
brightly blue, as the most azure depth of a southern sky; now of a
livid and snake-like green, darting restlessly to and fro, as the
folds of an enormous serpent; now of a lurid and intolerable crimson,
gushing forth through the columns of smoke far and wide, and lighting
up all Pompeii; then suddenly dying into a sickly paleness, like the
ghost of its own life!

In the pauses of the showers were heard the rumbling of the earth
beneath, and the groaning waves of the tortured sea; or, lower still,
and audible but to the watch of intensest fear, the grinding and
hissing murmur of the escaping gases through the chasms of the distant
mountain.

The ashes, in many places, were already knee-deep; and in some places
immense fragments of rock, hurled upon the house-roofs, bore down
along the streets masses of confused ruin, which yet more and more,
with every hour, obstructed the way; and, as the day advanced, the
motion of the earth was more sensibly felt; the footing seemed to
slide and creep, nor could chariot or litter be kept steady, even on
the most level ground.

Sometimes the huger stones, striking against each other as they fell,
broke into countless fragments, emitting sparks of fire, which caught
whatever was combustible within their reach; and along the plains
beyond the city the darkness was now terribly relieved, for several
houses and even vineyards had been set on flames; and at various
intervals the fire rose fiercely and sullenly against the solid gloom.
The citizens had endeavoured to place rows of torches in the most
frequented spots; but these rarely continued long; the showers and the
wind extinguished them.

Suddenly arose an intense and lurid glow. Bright and gigantic through
the darkness which closed around it, the mountain shone, a pile of
fire! Its summit seemed riven in two; or rather, above its surface,
there seemed to rise two monster-shapes, each confronting each, as
demons contending for a world. These were of one deep blood-red hue
of fire, which lighted up the whole atmosphere; but below, the nether
part of the mountain was still dark and shrouded, save in three
places, adown which flowed serpentine, and irregular rivers of molten
lava. Darkly red through the profound gloom of their banks, they
flowed slowly on, as towards the devoted city. And through the still
air was heard the rattling of the fragments of rock, hurling one upon
another, as they were borne down the fiery cataracts, darkening for
one instant the spot where they fell, and suffused the next in the
burnished hues of the flood along which they floated!

Suddenly a duller shade fell over the air; and one of the two gigantic
crests into which the summit had been divided, rocked and waved to and
fro; and then, with a sound, the mightiness of which no language can
describe, it fell from its burning base, and rushed, an avalanche of
fire, down the sides of the mountain. At the same instant gushed
forth a volume of blackest smoke, rolling on, over air, sea and earth.
Another, and another, and another shower of ashes, far more profuse
than before, scattered fresh desolation along the streets, and
darkness once more wrapped them as a veil.

The whole elements of civilization were broken up. If in the darkness,
wife was separated from husband, or parent from child, vain was the
hope of reunion. Each hurried blindly and confusedly on. Nothing was
left save the law of self-preservation.




A PLEA FOR THE OX.

DUGANNE.

    This beautiful poem should be recited with a calm, even devout
    dignity; occasionally rising into energetic expression as the
    poet apostrophizes the Deity in behalf of the down-trodden:


  Of all my Father's herds and flocks,
  I love the Ox--the large-eyed Ox!
  I think no Christian man would wrong
  The Ox--so patient, calm, and strong!

  How huge his strength! and yet, with flowers
  A child can lead this Ox of ours;
  And yoke his ponderous neck, with cords
  Made only of the gentlest words.

  By fruitful Nile the Ox was Lord;
  By Jordan's stream his blood was poured;
  In every age--with every clan--
  He loves, he serves, he dies for MAN!

  And, through the long, long years of God,
  Since labouring ADAM delved the sod,
  I hear no human voice that mocks
  The _hue_ which God hath given His Ox!

  While burdening toils bow down his back,
  Who asks if he be _white_ or _black?_
  And when his generous blood is shed,
  Who shall deny its common _red?_

  "Ye shall not muzzle"--God hath sworn--
  "The Ox, that treadeth out the corn!"
  I think no Christian law ordains
  That _Ox_ or _Man_ should toil in chains.

  So, haply, for an Ox I pray.
  That kneels and toils for us this day;
  A huge, calm, patient, large-eyed Ox,
  Black-skinned, among our herds and flocks.

  So long, O righteous Lord! so long
  Bowed down, and yet so brave and strong--
  I think no Christian, just and true,
  Can spurn this poor Ox for his _hue!_

  I know not why he shall not toil,
  Black-skinned, upon our broad, free soil;
  And lift aloft his dusky frame,
  Unbranded by a bondman's name!

  And struggling still, for nobler goal,
  With wakening will and soaring soul,
  I know not why his great free strength
  May not be our best wealth at length:

  That strength which, in the limbs of _slaves_--
  Like Egypt's--only piles up graves!
  But in the hands of _freemen_ now
  May build up states, by axe and plough!--

  And rear up souls, as purely white
  As angels, clothed with heavenly light;
  And yield forth life-blood, richly red
  As patriot hearts have ever shed.

  God help us! we are veiled within--
  Or white or black--with shrouds of skin;
  And, at the last, we all shall crave
  Small difference in the breadth of grave!

  But--when the grass grows, green and calm,
  And smells above our dust, like balm--
  I think our rest will sweeter be,
  If over us the Ox be--_free!_




HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES.

JAMES NACK.


  Two Yankee wags, one summer day,
  Stopped at a tavern on their way,
  Supped, frolicked, late retired to rest,
  And woke, to breakfast on the best.
  The breakfast over, Tom and Will
  Sent for the landlord and the bill;
  Will looked it over:--"Very right--
  But hold! what wonder meets my sight?
  Tom! the surprise is quite a shock!"
  "What wonder? where?" "The clock, the clock!"

  Tom and the landlord in amaze
  Stared at the clock with stupid gaze,
  And for a moment neither spoke;
  At last the landlord silence broke,--

  "You mean the clock that's ticking there?
  I see no wonder, I declare!
  Though maybe, if the truth were told,
  'Tis rather ugly, somewhat old;
  Yet time it keeps to half a minute;
  But, if you please, what wonder in it?"

  "Tom, don't you recollect," said Will,
  "The clock at Jersey, near the mill,
  The very image of this present,
  With which I won the wager pleasant?"
  Will ended with a knowing wink;
  Tom scratched his head and tried to think.
    "Sir, begging your pardon for inquiring,"
  The landlord said with grin admiring,
    "What wager was it?"

                       "You remember
  It happened, Tom, in last December:
  In sport I bet a Jersey Blue
  That it was more than he could do
  To make his finger go and come
  In keeping with the pendulum,
  Repeating, till the hour should close,
  Still--'_Here she goes, and there she goes._'
  He lost the bet in half a minute."

  "Well, if I would, the deuce is in it!"
  Exclaimed the landlord; "try me yet,
  And fifty dollars to be bet."
    "Agreed, but we will play some trick,
  To make you of the bargain sick!"
    "I'm up to that!"

                      "Don't make us wait,--
  Begin,--the clock is striking eight."
  He seats himself, and left and right
  His finger wags with all its might,
  And hoarse his voice and hoarser grows,
  With--"Here she goes, and there she goes!"

  "Hold!" said the Yankee, "plank the ready!"
  The landlord wagged his finger steady,
  While his left hand, as well as able,
  Conveyed a purse upon the table,
  "Tom! with the money let's be off!"
  This made the landlord only scoff.
  He heard them running down the stair,
  But was not tempted from his chair;
  Thought he, "The fools! I'll bite them yet!
  So poor a trick sha'n't win the bet."
  And loud and long the chorus rose
  Of--"Here she goes, and there she goes!"
  While right and left his finger swung,
  In keeping to his clock and tongue.

  His mother happened in to see
  Her daughter: "Where is Mrs. B----?"
    "When will she come, do you suppose?"
  Son!--"
      "Here she goes, and there she goes!"
  "Here!--where?"--the lady in surprise
  His finger followed with her eyes;
  "Son! why that steady gaze and sad?
  Those words,--that motion,--are you mad?
  But here's your wife, perhaps she knows,
  And--"
      "Here she goes, and there she goes!"

  His wife surveyed him with alarm,
  And rushed to him and seized his arm;
  He shook her off, and to and fro
  His finger persevered to go,
  While curled his very nose with ire
  That _she_ against him should conspire;
  And with more furious tone arose
  The--"Here she goes, and there she goes!"

  "Lawks!" screamed the wife, "I'm in a whirl!
  Run down and bring the little girl;
  She is his darling, and who knows
  But--"
      "Here she goes, and there she goes!"
  "Lawks! he is mad! What made him thus?
  Good Lord! what will become of us?
  Run for a doctor,--run, run, run,--
  For Doctor Brown and Doctor Dun,
  And Doctor Black and Doctor White,
  And Doctor Grey with all your might!"

  The doctors came, and looked, and wondered,
  And shook their heads, and paused and pondered.
  Then one proposed he should be bled,--
    "No, leeched you mean," the other said,--
    "Clap on a blister!" roared another,--
    "No! cup him,"--"No! trepan him, brother."
  A sixth would recommend a purge,
  The next would an emetic urge;
  The eighth, just come from a dissection,
  His verdict gave for an injection.
  The last produced a box of pills,
  A certain cure for earthly ills:
  "I had a patient yesternight,"
  Quoth he, "and wretched was her plight,
  And as the only means to save her,
  Three dozen patent pills I gave her;
  And by to-morrow I suppose
  That--"
      "Here she goes, and there she goes!"

  "You are all fools!" the lady said,--
  "The way is, just to shave his head.
  Run! bid the barber come anon."
  "Thanks, mother!" thought her clever son;
  "You help the knaves that would have bit me,
  But all creation sha'n't outwit me!"
  Thus to himself, while to and fro
  His fingers perseveres to go,
  And from his lips no accent flows
  But--"Here she goes, and there she goes!"
  The barber came--"Lord help him! what
  A queerish customer I've got;
  But we must do our best to save him,--
  So hold him, gemmen, while I shave him!"
  But here the doctors interpose,--
    "A woman never--"
                    "There she goes!"

  "A woman is no judge of physic,
  No even when her baby is sick.
  He must be bled,"--"No, no, a blister,"--
  "A purge, you mean,"--"I say a clyster,"--
  "No, cup him,"--"Leech him,"--"Pills! pills! pills!"
  And all the house the uproar fills.

  What means that smile? what means that shiver?
  The landlord's limbs with rapture quiver,
  And triumph brightens up his face,
  His finger yet shall win the race;
  The clock is on the stroke of nine,
  And up he starts,--"'Tis mine! 'tis mine!"
  "What do you mean?"

                    "I mean the fifty;
  I never spent an hour so thrifty.
  But you who tried to make me lose,
  Go, burst with envy, if you choose!
  But how is this? where are they?"
                                   "Who?"

  "The gentlemen,--I mean the two
  Came yesterday,--are they below?"
    "They galloped off an hour ago."
    "O, purge me! blister! shave and bleed!
  For, hang the knaves, I'm mad indeed!"




DAVID AND GOLIATH.

    Goliath gives vent to his arrogance in a bombastic style. This
    should be borne in mind by the speaker. David, on the other
    hand, expresses himself with modesty, but in a tone of
    confident courage:


  _Goliath._ Where is the mighty man of war, who dares
  Accept the challenge of Philistia's chief?
  What victor-king, what general drenched in blood,
  Claims this high privilege? What are his rights?
  What proud credentials does the boaster bring
  To prove his claim? What cities laid in ashes,
  What ruined provinces, what slaughtered realms,
  What heads of heroes, or what hearts of kings,
  In battle killed, or at his altars slain,
  Has he to boast? Is his bright armory
  Thick set with spears, and swords, and coats of mail,
  Of vanquished nations, by his single arm
  Subdued? Where is the mortal man so bold,
  So much a wretch, so out of love with life,
  To dare the weight of this uplifted spear?
                              Come, advance!
  Philistia's gods to Israel's. Sound, my herald,
  Sound for the battle straight!

  _David._                Behold thy foe.

  _Gol._ I see him not.

  _Dav._                  Behold him here.

  _Gol._                             Say, where?
  Direct my sight. I do not war with boys.

  _Dav._ I stand prepared; thy single arm to mine.

  _Gol._ Why, this is mockery, minion; it may chance
  To cost thee dear. Sport not with things above thee:
  But tell me who, of all this numerous host,
  Expects his death from me? Which is the man
  Whom Israel sends to meet my bold defiance?

  _Dav._ The election of my sovereign falls on me.

  _Gol._ On thee! on thee! by Dagon, 'tis too much!
  Thou curled minion! thou a nation's champion!
  'Twould move my mirth at any other time;
  But trifling's out of tune. Begone, light boy!
  And tempt me not too far.

  _Dav._               I do defy thee,
  Thou foul idolator! Hast thou not scorned
  The armies of the living God I serve!
  By me he will avenge upon thy head
  Thy nation's sins and thine. Armed with his name,
  Unshrinking, I dare meet the stoutest foe
  That ever bathed his hostile spear in blood.

  _Gol._ Indeed! 'tis wondrous well! Now, by my gods!
  The stripling plays the orator! Vain boy!
  Keep close to that same bloodless war of words,
  And thou shalt still be safe. Tongue-valiant warrior!
  Where is thy sylvan crook, with garlands hung,
  Of idle field-flowers? Where thy wanton harp,
  Thou dainty-fingered hero?
                           Now will I meet thee,
  Thou insect warrior; since thou dar'st me thus,
  Already I behold thy mangled limbs,
  Dissevered each from each, ere long to feed
  The fierce, blood-snuffing vulture. Mark me well,
  Around my spear I'll twist thy shining locks
  And toss in air thy head all gashed with wounds.

  _Dav._ Ha, say'st thou so? Come on, then; Mark us well.
  Thou com'st to me with sword and spear, and shield;
  In the dread name of Israel's God, I come;
  The living Lord of Hosts, whom thou defi'st;
  Yet though no shield I bring; no arms, except
  These five smooth stones I gathered from the brook
  With such a simple sling as shepherds use;
  Yet all exposed, defenceless as I am,
  The God I serve shall give thee up a prey
  To my victorious arm. This day, I mean
  To make the uncircumcised tribes confess
  There is a God in Israel. I will give thee,
  Spite of thy vaunted strength and giant bulk,
  To glut the carrion-kites. Nor thee alone;
  The mangled carcasses of your thick hosts
  Shall spread the plains of Elah; till Philistia,
  Through all her trembling tents and flying bands,
  Shall own that Judah's God is God indeed!
  I dare thee to the trial!

  _Gol._             Follow me.
  In this good spear I trust.

  _Dav._             I trust in Heaven!
  The God of battles stimulates my arm,
  And fires my soul with ardor not its own.

    In this dialogue, the first speech of Goliath is simple
    vaunt. Confident in his huge bulk and strength, he strides
    occasionally from side to side while speaking, elevating his
    arms and throwing his limbs about as if anxious to display his
    powerful sinews and muscular proportions. He speaks very loud,
    as if willing to terrify all Israel with his voice.

    In this second speech, Goliath partly stoops, half shuts his
    eyes like a person endeavouring to discern some diminutive
    object, and, after looking intently a short time, suddenly
    straightens himself up to his full height, and says
    arrogantly: "I see him not."

    In his third speech, Goliath maintains the same ground, till,
    in the conclusion, he seems, at last, to have perceived David,
    and, turning away contemptuously, adds: "I do not war with
    boys."

    In the latter part of the dialogue, Goliath becomes really
    furious, and is in haste to transfix David with his spear;
    while David, on the other hand, becomes more calm, collected,
    and observant as the critical moment approaches, thus denoting
    his firm and unwavering trust in the God of Israel. David
    makes but few gestures, but always assumes a reverential
    attitude when he mentions the name of God--not puritanical
    by any means, but expressive of humble hope and smiling
    confidence.




THE WIDOW BEDOTT'S POETRY.

FRANCES M. WHITCHER.


Yes,--he was one o' the best men that ever trod shoe-leather, husband
was, though Miss Jinkins says (she 't was Poll Bingham), _she_ says,
I never found it out till after he died, but that 's the consarndest
lie, that ever was told, though it 's jest a piece with everything
else she says about me. I guess if everybody could see the poitry I
writ to his memory, nobody wouldn 't think I dident set store by him.
Want to hear it? Well, I 'll see if I can say it; it ginerally affects
me wonderfully, seems to harrer up my feelin's; but I'll try. Dident
know I ever writ poitry? How you talk! used to make lots on 't; hain't
so much late years. I remember once when Parson Potter had a bee,
I sent him an amazin' great cheese, and writ a piece o' poitry, and
pasted on top on 't. It says:--

  Teach him for to proclaim
    Salvation to the folks;
  No occasion give for any blame,
    Nor wicked people's jokes.

And so it goes on, but I guess I won't stop to say the rest on now,
seein' there's seven and forty verses.

Parson Potter and his wife was wonderfully pleased with it; used to
sing it to the tune o' Haddem. But I was gwine to tell the one I made
in relation to husband; it begins as follers:--

  He never jawed in all his life,
    He never was unkind,--
  And (tho' I say it that was his wife)
    Such men you seldom find.

(That's as true as the Scripturs; I never knowed him to say a harsh
word.)

  I never changed my single lot,--
    I thought 't would be a sin--

(though widder Jinkins says it's because I never had a chance.) Now 't
ain't for me to say whether I ever had a numerous number o' chances or
not, but there 's them livin' that _might_ tell if they wos a mind to;
why, this poitry was writ on account of being joked about Major Coon,
three year after husband died. I guess the ginerality o' folks knows
what was the nature o' Major Coon's feelin's towards me, tho' his wife
and Miss Jinkins _does_ say I tried to ketch him. The fact is, Miss
Coon feels wonderfully cut up 'cause she knows the Major took her
"Jack at a pinch,"--seein' he couldent get such as he wanted, he took
such as he could get,--but I goes on to say--

  I never changed my single lot,
    I thought 't would be a sin,--
  For I thought so much o' Deacon Bedott,
    I never got married agin.

  If ever a hasty word he spoke,
    His anger dident last,
  But vanished like tobacker smoke
    Afore the wintry blast.

  And since it was my lot to be
    The wife of such a man,
  Tell the men that's after me
    To ketch me if they can.

  If I was sick a single jot,
    He called the doctor in--

That's a fact,--he used to be scairt to death if anything ailed me.
Now only jest think,--widder Jinkins told Sam Pendergrasses wife (she
'twas Sally Smith) that she guessed the deacon dident set no great
store by me, or he wouldent a went off to confrence meetin' when I was
down with the fever. The truth is, they couldent git along without him
no way. Parson Potter seldom went to confrence meetin', and when he
wa' n't there, who was ther, pray tell, that knowed enough to take the
lead if husband dident do it? Deacon Kenipe hadent no gift, and
Deacon Crosby hadent no inclination, and so it all come on Deacon
Bedott,--and he was always ready and willin' to do his duty, you know;
as long as he was able to stand on his legs he continued to go to
confrence meetin'; why, I've knowed that man to go when he couldent
scarcely crawl on account o' the pain in the spine of his back. He had
a wonderful gift, and he wa' n't a man to keep his talents hid up in
a napkin,--so you see 't was from a sense o' duty he went when I was
sick, whatever Miss Jinkins may say to the contrary. But where was I?
Oh!--

  If I was sick a single jot,
    He called the doctor in--
  I sot so much by Deacon Bedott
    I never got married agin.

  A wonderful tender heart he had,
    That felt for all mankind,--
  It made him feel amazin bad
    To see the world so blind.

  Whiskey and rum he tasted not--

That's as true as the Scripturs,--but if you'll believe it, Betsy Ann
Kenipe told my Melissy that Miss Jinkins said one day to their house,
how 't she 'd seen Deacon Bedott high, time and agin! did you ever!
Well, I'm glad nobody don't pretend to mind anything _she_ says. I've
knowed Poll Bingham from a gall, and she never knowed how to speak the
truth--besides she always had a pertikkler spite against husband and
me, and between us tew I 'll tell you why if you won't mention it, for
I make it a pint never to say nothin' to injure nobody. Well she was
a ravin'-distracted after my husband herself, but it's a long story. I
'll tell you about it some other time, and then you'll know why widder
Jinkins is etarnally runnin' me down. See,--where had I got to? Oh, I
remember now,--

  Whiskey and rum he tasted not,--
    He thought it was a sin,--
  I thought so much o' Deacon Bedott
    I never got married agin.

  But now he's dead! the thought is killin',
    My grief I can't control--
  He never left a single shillin'
    His widder to console.

But that wa' n't his fault--he was so out o' health for a number
o' year afore he died, it ain't to be wondered at he dident lay up
nothin'--however, it dident give him no great oneasiness,--he never
cared much for airthly riches, though Miss Pendergrass says she
heard Miss Jinkins say Deacon Bedott was as tight as the skin on his
back,--begrudged folks their vittals when they came to his house! did
you ever! why, he was the hull-souldest man I ever see in all my born
days. If I'd such a husband as Bill Jinkins was, I'd hold my tongue
about my neighbors' husbands. He was a dretful mean man, used to git
drunk every day of his life, and he had an awful high temper,--used to
swear like all posset when he got mad,--and I've heard my husband
say, (and he wa' n't a man that ever said anything that wa' n't
true),--I've heard _him_ say Bill Jinkins would cheat his own father
out of his eye teeth if he had a chance. Where was I? Oh! "His widder
to console,"--ther ain't but one more verse, 't ain't a very lengthy
poim. When Parson Potter read it, he says to me, says he,--What
did you stop so soon for?"--but Miss Jinkins told the Crosbys _she_
thought I'd better a' stopt afore I 'd begun,--she 's a purty critter
to talk so, I must say. I 'd like to see some poitry o' hern,--I guess
it would be astonishin' stuff; and mor'n all that, she said there wa'
n't a word o' truth in the hull on 't,--said I never cared two cents
for the deacon. What an everlastin' lie!! Why, when he died, I took it
so hard I went deranged, and took on so for a spell, they was afraid
they should have to send me to a Lunattic Arsenal. But that's a
painful subject, I won't dwell on 't. I conclude as follers:--

  I'll never change my single lot,--
    I think 't would be a sin,--
  The inconsolable widder o' Deacon Bedott
    Don't intend to get married agin.

Excuse me cryin'--my feelin's always overcomes me so when I say that
poitry--O-o-o-o-o-o!




THE TWO WEAVERS.

HANNAH MORE.

    This piece should be spoken in a simple, unaffected
    conversational manner; still it admits of much quiet emphasis,
    and subdued irony:


  As at their work two weavers sat,
  Beguiling time with friendly chat,
  They touched upon the price of meat,
  So high, a weaver scarce could eat.

  "What with my brats and sickly wife,"
  Quoth Dick, "I'm almost tired of life;
  So hard my work, so poor my fare,
  'Tis more than mortal man can bear.

  "How glorious is the rich man's state
  His house so fine, his wealth so great!
  Heaven is unjust, you must agree;
  Why all to him? Why none to me?

  "In spite of what the Scripture teaches
  In spite of all the parson preaches,
  This world (indeed I've thought so long)
  Is ruled methinks extremely wrong.

  "Where'er I look, howe'er I range,
  'Tis all confused and hard and strange;
  The good are troubled and oppressed,
  And all the wicked are the blest."

  Quoth John, "Our ignorance is the cause
  Why thus we blame our Maker's laws;
  _Parts of his ways_ alone we know;
  'Tis all that man can see below.

  "See'st thou that carpet, not half done,
  Which thou, dear Dick, hast well begun?
  Behold the wild confusion there,
  So rude the mass it makes one stare!

  "A stranger, ignorant of the trade,
  Would say, no meaning's there conveyed;
  For where's the middle? where's the border?
  Thy carpet now is all disorder."

  Quoth Dick, "My work is yet in bits,
  But still in every part it fits;
  Besides, you reason like a lout--
  Why, man, that _carpet's inside out_."

  Says John, "Thou say'st the thing I mean,
  And now I hope to cure thy spleen;
  This world, which clouds thy soul with doubt
  _Is but a carpet inside out_.

  "As when we view these shreds and ends,
  We know not what the whole intends;
  So, when on earth things look but odd,
  They're working still some scheme of God.

  "No plan, no pattern, can we trace;
  All wants proportion, truth, and grace
  The motley mixture we deride,
  Nor see the beauteous upper side.

  "But when we reach that world of light,
  And view those works of God aright,
  Then shall we see the whole design,
  And own the workman is divine.

  "What now seem random strokes, will there
  All order and design appear;
  Then shall we praise what here we spurned,
  For then the _carpet shall be turned_."

  "Thou'rt right," quoth Dick; "no more I'll grumble
  That this sad world's so strange a jumble;
  My impious doubts are put to flight,
  For my own carpet sets me right."




MISS MALONEY ON THE CHINESE QUESTION.

MARY MAPES DODGE.


Och! don't be talkin'. Is it howld on, ye say? An' did n't I howld
on till the heart o' me was clane broke entirely, and me wastin' that
thin you could clutch me wid yer two hands? To think o' me toilin'
like a nager for the six year I 've been in Ameriky,--bad luck to the
day I iver left the owld counthry! to be bate by the likes o' them
(faix an' I'll sit down when I 'm ready, so I will, Aunt Ryan, an' yed
better be listnin' than drawin' yer remarks)! an' is it mysel, with
five good characters from respectable places, would be herdin' wid the
haythens? The saints forgive me, but I 'd be buried alive sooner 'n
put up wid it a day longer. Sure an' I was the granehorn not to be
lavin' at onct when the missus kim into me kitchen wid her perlaver
about the new waiter man which was brought out from Californy.

"He 'll be here the night," says she, "and, Kitty, it 's meself looks
to you to be kind and patient wid him, for he 's a furriner," says
she, a kind o' lookin' off.

"Sure an it 's little I 'll hinder nor interfare wid him nor any
other, mum," says I, a kind o' stiff, for I minded me how these French
waiters, wid their paper collars and brass rings on their fingers,
isn 't company for no gurril brought up dacint and honest.

Och! sorra a bit I knew what was comin' till the missus walked into me
kitchen smilin', and says kind o' shcared: "Here 's Fing Wing, Kitty,
an' you 'll have too much sinse to mind his bein' a little strange."

Wid that she shoots the door, and I, misthrusting if I was tidied up
sufficient for me fine buy wid his paper collar, looks up, and--Howly
fathers! may I niver brathe another breath, but there stud a rale
haythen Chineser a grinnin' like he'd just come off a tay-box. If
you'll belave me, the crayture was that yeller it ud sicken you to
see him; and sorra stitch was on him but a black nightgown over his
trousers, and the front of his head shaved claner nor a copper biler,
and a black tail a-hangin' down from behind, wid his two feet stook
into the heathenestest shoes you ever set eyes on.

Och! but I was up stairs afore you could turn about, a givin' the
missus warnin', an' only stopt wid her by her raisin' me wages two
dollars, and playdin' wid me how it was a Christian's duty to bear wid
haythins and taitch 'em all in our power,--the saints have us!

Well, the ways and trials I had wid that Chineser, Ann Ryan, I
couldn't be tellin'. Not a blissed thing cud I do but he'd be lookin'
on wid his eyes cocked up'ard like two poomp-handles, an' he widdout
a speck or smitch o' whiskers on him, an' his finger-nails full a yard
long. But it 's dyin' you'd be to see the missus a' larnin' him, and
he grinnin' an' waggin' his pig-tail (which was pieced out long
wid some black stoof, the haythen chate), and gettin' into her
ways wonderful quick, I don't deny, imitatin' that sharp you'd be
shurprised, and ketchin' an' copyin' things the best of us will do
a-hurried wid work, yet don't want comin' to the knowledge of the
family,--bad luck to him!

Is it ate wid him? Arrah, an' would I be sittin' wid a haythen an' he
a-atin' wid drum-sticks,--yes, an' atin' dogs an' cats unknownst to
me, I warrant you, which it is the custom of them Chinesers, till
the thought made me that sick I could die. An' did n't the crayture
proffer to help me a wake ago come Toosday, an' me a foldin' down me
clane clothes for the ironin', an' fill his haythin mouth wid water,
an' afore I could hinder squirrit it through his teeth stret over the
best linen table-cloth, and fold it up tight, as innercent now as a
baby, the dirrity baste! But the worrest of all was the copyin' he'd
be doin' till ye'd be dishtracted. It's yersel' knows the tinder feet
that's on me since ever I 've bin in this counthry. Well, owin' to
that, I fell into a way o' slippin' me shoes off when I 'd be settin'
down to pale the praities or the likes o' that, and, do ye mind! that
haythin would do the same thing after me whiniver the missus set him
to parin' apples or tomaterses. The saints in heaven could n't have
made him belave he cud kape the shoes on him when he'd be palin'
anything.

Did I lave for that? Faix an' I did n't. Did n't he get me into
trouble wid my missus, the haythin? You're aware yersel' how the
boondles comin' in from the grocery often contains more 'n 'll go into
anything dacently. So, for that matter, I'd now and then take out a
sup o' sugar, or flour, or tay, an' wrap it in paper and put it in me
bit of a box tucked under the ironin' blankit the how it cuddent be
bodderin' any one. Well, what shud it be, but this blessed Sathurday
morn the missus wos a spakin' pleasant and respec'ful wid me in me
kitchen when the grocer boy comes in an' stands fornenst her wid his
boondles, an' she motions like to Fing Wing (which I never would call
him by that name ner any other but just haythin), she motions to him,
she does, for to take the boondles an' empty out the sugar an' what
not, where they belongs. If you'll belave me, Ann Ryan, what did that
blatherin' Chineser do but take out a sup o' sugar, an' a handful o'
tay, an' a bit o' chaze right afore the missus, wrap them into bits o'
paper, an' I spacheless wid shurprise, an' he the next minute up wid
the ironin' blankit and pullin' out me box wid a show o' bein' sly to
put them in.

Och, the Lord forgive me, but I clutched it, and missus sayin', "O
Kitty!" in a way that 'ud cruddle your blood.

"He 's a haythin nager," says I.

"I 've found you out," says she.

"I 'll arrist him," says I.

"It 's you ought to be arristed," says she.

"You won't," says I.

"I will," says she; and so it went till she give me such sass as
I cuddent take from no lady,--an' I give her warnin' an' left that
instant, an' she a-pointin' to the doore.




THE BIG OYSTER.

A LEGEND OF RARITAN BAY.

GEORGE ARNOLD.


  'Twas a hazy, mazy, lazy day,
  And the good smack _Emily_ idly lay
  Off Staten Island, in Raritan Bay,
    With her canvas loosely flapping,
  The sunshine slept on the briny deep,
  Nor wave nor zephyr could vigils keep,
  The oysterman lay on the deck asleep,
    And even the cap'n was napping.

  The smack went drifting down the tide,--
  The waters gurgling along her side,--
  Down where the bay glows vast and wide,--
    A beautiful sheet of water;
  With scarce a ripple about her prow,
  The oyster-smack floated, silent and slow,
  With Keyport far on her starboard bow,
    And South Amboy on her quarter.

  But, all at once, a grating sound
  Made the cap'n awake and glance around;
  "Hold hard!" cried he, "we've run aground,
    As sure as all tarnation!"
  The men jumped up, and grumbled and swore;
  They also looked, and plainly saw
  That the _Emily_ lay two miles from shore,
    At the smallest calculation.

  Then, gazing over the side, to see
  What kind of a bottom this shoal might be,
  They saw, in the shadow that lay to the lee,
    A sight that filled them with horror!
  The water was clear, and beneath it, there,
  An oyster lay in its slimy lair,
  So big, that to tell its dimensions fair
    Would take from now till to-morrow.

  And this it was made the grating sound;
  On this the _Emily_ ran aground;
  And this was the shoal the cap'n found,--
    Alack! the more is the pity.
  For straight an idea entered his head:
  He'd drag it out of its watery bed,
  And give it a resting-place, instead,
    In some saloon in the city.

  So, with crow, and lever, and gaff, and sling,
  And tongs, and tackle, and roller, and ring,
  They made a mighty effort to bring
    This hermit out of his cloister.
  They labored earnestly, day and night,
  Working by torch and lantern light,
  Till they had to acknowledge that, do what they might,
    They never could budge the oyster!

  The cap'n fretted, and fumed, and fussed,--
  He swore he'd "have that 'yster, or bust!"
  But, for all his oaths, he was quite nonplussed;
    So by way of variation,
  He sat him quietly down, for a while,
  To cool his anger and settle his bile,
  And to give himself up, in his usual style,
    To a season of meditation.

  Now, the cap'n was quite a wonderful man;
  He could do almost anything any man can,
  And a good deal more, when he once began
    To act from a clear deduction.
  But his wonderful power,--his greatest pride,--
  The feat that shadowed all else beside,--
  The talent on which he most relied,--
    Was his awful power of suction!

  At suction he never had known defeat!
  The stoutest suckers had given in, beat,
  When he sucked up a quart of apple-jack, neat,
    By touching his lips to the measure!
  He'd suck an oyster out of its shell,
  Suck shrimps or lobsters equally well;
  Suck cider till inward the barrel-heads fell,--
    And seemed to find it a pleasure.

  Well, after thinking a day or two,
  This doughty sucker imagined he knew
  About the best thing he could possibly do,
    To secure the bivalvular hermit.
  "I'll bore through his shell, as they bore for coal,
  With an auger fixed on the end of a pole,
  And then, through a tube, I'll suck him out whole,--
    A neat little swallow, I term it!"

  The very next day, he returned to the place
  Where his failure had thrown him into disgrace;
  And there, with a ghastly grin on his face,
    Began his submarine boring.
  He worked for a week, for the shell was tough,
  But reached the interior soon enough
  For the oyster, who found such surgery rough,--
    Such grating, and scraping, and scoring!

  The shell-fish started, the water flew,
  The cap'n turned decidedly blue,
  But thrust his auger still further through,
    To quiet the wounded creature.
  Alas! I fear my tale grows sad,
  The oyster naturally felt quite bad
    In spite of its peaceful nature.

  It arose, and, turning itself on edge,
  Exposed a ponderous shelly wedge,
  All covered with slime, and sea-weed, and sedge,--
    A conchological wonder!
  This wedge flew open, as quick as a flash,
  Into two great jaws, with a mighty splash
  One scraunching, crunching, crackling crash,--
    And the smack was gone to thunder.




A PRECIOUS PICKLE.

(FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY.)


CHARACTERS.

  MISS REBECCA PEASE.
  MRS. GABBLE.
  JENNY FROST, } City girls on a vacation
  BESSY SNOW,  } in the country.
  SADIE BEAN,  }
  SISSY GABBLE.
  JUNO, Miss Pease's coloured help.

SCENE.--MISS PEASE'S _best room. Table_, C., _back. Chairs_, R. _and_
L. _Rocking-chair_, C. _Chair directly in front of the table._

_Enter_, L., JUNO; _costume, calico dress, handkerchief about her head
in shape of a turban, broom in her hand._

_Juno._ Bress my soul! Nebber see, in de whole co'se ob my life, sich
a galloping set as dem are city gals--nebber! For all de worl', jes
like a flock ob sheep. Shoo! away dey go, from de cellar to de top
ob de house--pell-mell inter de barn. Skipterty shoo, ober de fields;
skersplash into de brook; don't keer for nuffin nor nobody. Can't keep
de chairs straight, nor de flo' clean nor nuffin. (_Looks off_, R.)
Now, now, now, jes look a dar! jes look a dar! See 'em scootin' round,
chasin' dat are poor orphanless calf, what ain't got no mudder. Never
did see nuffin like it, nebber. (_Sweeps violently._)

_Jenny._ (_Outside_, R.) Ha, ha, ha! If you don't stop, girls, I shall
die.

_Bessie._ (_Outside_, R.) Ha, ha, ha! O, dear, there goes my hat!

_Sadie._ (_Outside_, R.) Ha, ha, ha! Do see him jump! [_All three
enter_, R, _laughing._

_Jenny._ O, isn't this splendid! A country life for me.

_Bessie._ It's glorious! I could live here forever.

_Sadie._ So could I. No more city life for me.

_Juno._ Bress my soul! Goin' fur to stay here forebber! I'll jes' pack
up my jewelry, and slope, for sartin'.

_Jenny._ Ah, there's Juno. O, Juno, isn't it most dinner-time? I'm so
hungry!

_Bessie._ So am I--ravenous.

_Sadie._ I'm starving; slowly, but surely, starving.

_Juno._ Dinner! Why, bress my soul! yer hain't got yer breakfast
digesticated yet. Well, I nebber, in de whole co'se ob my life,
seed sich eaters--nebber. Six biscuit, four b'iled eggs apiece, and
chicken; chicken by de dozen for dar breakfast; and now want dar
dinner! Bress my soul! Doesn't yer git nuffin to eat in de city?

_Sadie._ O, yes, plenty; but not such biscuits as Juno makes.

_Jenny and Bessie._ Never, never!

_Jenny._ And eggs, girls! None cooked as Juno cooks them.

_Bessie and Sadie._ Never, never!

_Bessie._ And chickens! never so nice as those broiled by Juno.

_Jenny and Sadie._ Never, never!

_Juno._ Doesn't yers, honies? (_Grinning._) Dat's mean; dat's raal
mean. Well, poor dears, I s'pose yers is hungry. Now you jes' wait and
see what Juno can find for a lunch. [_Exit_, L.

_Jenny._ "A little _flattery_, now and then, is relished by the wisest
men."

_Bessie._ And the darkest of our sex, Jenny.

_Sadie._ Yes; and "a _soft_ answer turneth away wrath." O, ain't we
having a splendid time, girls?

_Jenny._ How kind of our parents, after eight months' hard study, to
send us to this delightful place!

_Sadie._ O, it's splendid. We want nothing here.

_Bessie._ No, indeed. There's nothing left in that dry, hot city to be
regretted.

_Jenny._ Stop. There is one thing I _should_ like.

_Sadie and Bessie._ What is that?

_Jenny._ One of mother's pickles.

_Sadie and Bessie._ What! a pickle?

_Jenny._ Yes. I'm dying for one of mother's sour, peppery pickles.

_Sadie._ O, don't, Jenny. Do you want to make me homesick?

_Bessie._ My mouth puckers at the thought. I want to go home.

_Enter_, R., SISSY GABBLE, _a very small girl, with a very large cape
bonnet on her head, and a tin pail in her hand._

_Sissy._ If yer pleath, Mith Peath, if, if--Mith Peath, if you
pleath--

_Jenny._ Why, who in the world is this?

_Sadie._ What do you want, little girl?

_Sissy._ Mith Peath, if you pleath, if, if--Mith Peath, to home, my
mother thed--my mother thed. What did my mother thed? O, my mother
thed, if Mith Peath is to home, to give Mith Peath her com--her
com--to give Mith Peath her com--

_Jenny._ Her compliments?

_Sissy._ Yith ma'am, I geth tho; and tell Mith Peath, the thent her
thome of her pickleth.

_Sadie and Bessie._ Pickles! O, you dear little thing!

_Jenny._ O, isn't she a darling! (_They all crowd round_ SISSY, _take
off her bonnet, kiss and hug her._) Isn't she splendid?

_Bessie._ I'll take the pail, little girl.

_Sissy._ (_Putting pail behind her._) Yith marm; I geth not. My mother
thed I muthn't give it to nobody but Mith Peath.

_Bessie._ Well, take off the cover, little girl. The pickles will
spoil.

_Sissy._ I geth not. _My_ mother's pickleth _never_ thpoil.

_Jenny._ The little plague! Say, Sissy; do you like candy?

_Sissy._ Candy? Merlatheth candy?

_Jenny._ Yes.

_Sissy._ Ith it pulled?

_Jenny._ Yes, indeed; pulled white as snow. Give me the pail, and I'll
find you a long stick of it.

_Sissy._ You ain't Mith Peath; and I don't like merlatheth candy white
ath thnow. Where ith Mith Peath?

_Sadie._ Little girl, don't you want some red and white peppermints?

_Sissy._ No, I don't. I want Mith Peath.

_Bessie._ Or some splendid gum drops?

_Sissy._ No. I want Mith Peath.

_Enter_ MISS PEASE, L.

_Miss P._ And here she is, Sissy Gabble. What have you for me? (_The
girls fall back in confusion, and whisper together._)

_Sissy._ Thome pickleth, Mith Peath, my mother thent you, with her
com--her com--her com--

_Miss P._ Her compliments, Sissy. I understand. I'm very much obliged
to her for sending them, and to you, Sissy, for bringing them so
carefully. Here, Juno!

_Enter_, JUNO, L.

_Juno._ Yes, missis. Why, bress my soul! if dar ain't Sissy Gabble!
Come right here, yer dear chile.

_Miss P._ Take her to the kitchen, Juno. Perhaps you can find a cake
for her.

_Juno._ Guess I can, missis, sure for sartin. Come, Sissy Gabble, come
right along wid Juno.

_Sissy._ Thay, Juno, who ith them? (_Pointing to girls._)

_Juno._ Why, bress yer soul, dem ar's de young ladies from de city, on
dar vex--vex--on dar vexation. O, Sissy, dar drefful sweet.

_Sissy._ Thweet, Juno? I thpothe tho; they've got thuch loth of candy.
But they didn't git my pail, tho!

_Juno._ Come along to de kitchen. Come.

[_Exeunt_ JUNO _and_ SISSY, L. _The girls gather about_ MISS PEASE.

_Jenny._ O, Miss Pease, I'm so glad Mrs. Gabble sent you those
pickles, I'm so fond of them!

_Bessie._ Yes, Miss Pease; they're so nice!

_Sadie._ O, they're splendid! Do give us a taste.

_Miss P._ Stop, stop young ladies. While I cannot but be grateful to
Mrs. Gabble for her kindness, I wish it had taken some other shape. I
have long been of the opinion that pickles are unwholesome, and have
never allowed them to be placed upon my table. And I am sure I should
be disobeying the instructions I received from your parents--to
provide you only wholesome food--did I permit you to taste them. For
the present, I shall leave them here. (_Places pail on the table._)
If you believe I have your interest at heart, you will not touch that
which I have condemned. I know I can trust you. _Exit_, L.

_Bessie._ Well, I declare! The mean old thing!

_Jenny._ It's too bad! Nothing but blasted hopes in this world!

_Sadie._ Well, I don't care, I'm a going to have one of those pickles,
if I die for it.

_Jenny._ Why, Sadie Bean, you don't mean it!

_Sadie._ Yes, I do. I know they _are_ wholesome, and my mother always
allows me to eat them.

_Bessie._ I wouldn't touch one for the world. How impolite it would
be, after Miss Pease has forbidden it!

_Sadie._ No; she didn't forbid it. She said, if we thought she had our
interest at heart, we wouldn't touch the pail. Now I don't believe she
has, when she wants to deprive us of such a luxury. I'm determined to
have a pickle.

_Jenny._ You are wrong, Sadie, to think of such a thing. A Precious
Pickle you'll make. (_Sits on sofa._)

_Bessie._ Nothing would tempt me. (_Sits on sofa._) How can you,
Sadie?

_Sadie._ Pooh! Cowards! It's just as easy as croquet, when you make up
your mind. (_Lifts cover, and takes out pickle._) A Precious Pickle.
I'll taste, Jenny. Ain't they beauties?

_Jenny._ Quick, quick, Sadie; somebody's coming!

_Sadie._ Dear me! (_Claps on cover, runs and sits on sofa between_
JENNY _and_ BESSIE.)

_Enter_ JUNO, L.

_Juno._ Bress my soul! dars Missis Gabble a runnin up de walk like all
possessed. Speck her house afire, sure for sartin. _Exit_, R.

_Sadie._ (_Tasting pickle._) O, ain't it nice! Bessie, run and get
one.

_Bessie._ No, indeed; I shall do no such thing.

_Jenny._ O, Sadie, I wouldn't believe you could do such a thing.

_Sadie._ O, pshaw! It's all envy; you know it is.

_Enter_ R., JUNO, _followed by_ MRS. GABBLE, _who wears a calico
dress, has her sleeves rolled up, her apron thrown over her head, and
has altogether the appearance of having just left the wash-tub._

_Mrs. G._ Yes, Juno, poor Mr. Brown has shuffled off this
mortal--what's it's name? (_Looks_ _at girls._) O, how do you do? I
don't know how much he's worth, but they do say--Why, Juno, you've
got a new calico--Fine day, young ladies.--They do say--Well, there, I
oughtn't to speak of it. Got your washing out, Juno? I've been all day
at that tub; and--Where's Miss Pease? I can't stop a minute; so don't
ask me to sit down. (_Sits in rocking-chair and rocks violently._)

_Juno._ Yes, Missy Gabble, Missy Pease to home. Send her right up,
sure for sartin. Bress my soul, how that woman do go on, for sartin.
_Exit_, L.

_Mrs. G._ Ah, poor Mrs. Brown, with all them young ones. I wonder
where my Sis is.

_Jenny._ I think she's in the kitchen, Mrs. Gabble.

_Mrs. G._ You don't say so? Stuffing herself, I'm sure. And poor Mr.
Brown lying dead in the next house--and there's my washing waiting for
soap--and there's Mrs. Jones hasn't sent my ironing-board home; and
mercy knows how I'm to get along without it.

_Enter_ MISS PEASE, L. _During the dialogue between_ MISS PEASE _and_
MRS. G., SADIE _slyly eats her pickle, offering it to_ JENNY _and_
BESSIE, _who at first shake their heads, afterwards taste; the pickle
is passed among them, and devoured before the conclusion of the
conversation._

_Miss P._ Ah, Mrs. Gabble! I'm glad to see you. (_Takes chair and sits
beside her._)

_Mrs. G._ And poor Brown is gone!

_Miss P._ Mr. Brown dead? This is sad news.

_Mrs. G._ I should think it was--and there's Skillet, the butcher,
chopped off his thumb--and Miss Pearson fell down stairs and broke her
china sugar-bowl--sp'ilt the whole set. As I told my husband, these
expensive dishes never can be matched--and speaking of matches, Mrs.
Thorpe is going to get a divorce. Jest think of it! I met her going
into Carter's shop this morning. She had on that pink muslin he gave
her for a birthday present--Jenkins has got a new lot of them, only
a shilling a yard--speaking of yards, old Cooper tumbled into
that miserable well in his back yard this morning. They pulled him
out--speaking of pulling, Miss Tibbet was in to the dentist's this
morning for a new set of teeth, and--Have you seen my Sis?

_Miss P._ O, yes. She's in the kitchen with Juno. And, speaking of
Sissy, reminds me that I must thank you for sending me--

_Mrs. G._ My pickles? Yes. Well, I'm glad you got 'em. But I didn't
have a bit of good luck with 'em. And, speaking of pickles, O, Miss
Pease, that villain, Smith, the grocer, has been taken up. He's going
to be hung. Nothing can save him.

_Miss P._ Mr. Smith arrested! For what pray?

_Mrs. G._ P'isoning! Jest think of it! And he a deacon in the church,
and has such a splendid span of horses, and such an elegant beach
wagon. I declare, the last time he took us to the beach I nearly died
eating soft-shelled crabs; and my husband tumbled overboard, and
Mr. Brown got sunstruck; and now he's gone! Dear me, dear me! And my
washing ain't out yet.

_Miss P._ But tell me, Mrs. Gabble, what is it about the poisoning?

_Mrs. G._ Why, he or somebody else has been putting prussic acid in
his vinegar, just at the time, too, when everybody's making pickles;
and there's no end of the p'isoning he will have to answer for. Mrs.
Jewel's just sent for the doctor, and Mrs. Poor's been dreadful all
day, and Dr. Baldtop's flying round from house to house; and, O,
dear--there's my washing! Who'll be the next victim nobody knows, I'm
sure.

_Sadie._ (_Jumping up._) O, dear! O, dear! Send for the doctor, quick!
I'm dying, I know I am. (_Runs across stage and sinks into chair_, R.)

_Miss P._ (_Running to her._) Bless me child, what ails you?

_Sadie._ I don't know; I can't tell. The doctor, quick!

_Mrs. G._ Deary me, she's took sudden, just for all the world like
Susan Richie.

_Jenny._ (_Jumping up._) Water, water! Give me some water! I shall die
if I don't have some water. (_Runs down and sinks into chair_, L.)

_Mrs. G._ (_Jumping up and running to her._) Gracious goodness! here's
another! It's something dreadful, depend upon it. When folks is took
sudden--

_Bessie._ (_Jumping up._) O, my throat! I'm burning up! Give me some
ipecac. Quick, quick, quick! (_Runs round stage, then sinks into
chair_, C.)

_Mrs. G._ There goes another! It's something dreadful, depend on it.

_Miss P._ What does this mean? Here, Juno, Juno! Quick!

_Enter_ JUNO, L.

_Juno._ Here I is, Missy Pease.

_Sadie._ Run for the doctor, quick, Juno!

_Juno._ (_Running_, R.) Bress my soul! I'll fetch him.

_Jenny._ No, no! Get me some water--quick!

_Juno._ (_Running_ L.) To be sure, honey; to be sure.

_Bessie._ No, no, Juno! some ipecac, or a stomach pump.

_Juno._ Pump, pump! Want de pump? I'll fetch it, I'll fetch it. Bress
my soul, I'll fetch something. _Exit_, L.

_Mrs. G._ Well, if this ain't drefful!--washing-day, too--and the
undertaker's jest as busy as he can be--there never was so much
_immortality_ in this place, never. Poor critters! poor critters!

_Miss P._ Girls, what does this mean?

_Sadie._ O, Miss Pease, such agony!

_Bessie._ O, dear, what will become of me?

_Jenny._ O, this dreadful parching in the throat!

_Mrs. G._ O, I know it, I know it. I told my husband that something
dreadful was a goin' to happen when he sold that colt yesterday.

_Miss P._ Sadie, what is the meaning of this. Your pulse is regular,
your head cool, and your tongue clear.

_Sadie._ O, Miss Pease, it's those dreadful pickles.

_Mrs. G._ Yes, indeed, it is a drefful pickle--and so sudden, jest for
all the world like poor Mr. Brown's sudden took, and these always seem
to end fatally at some time or other--Dear me, dear me, and my wash--

_Miss P._ Pickles! Have you disobeyed me?

_Sadie._ I couldn't help it, Miss Pease; they looked so tempting. But
I only took one.

_Bessie._ And I only tasted that.

_Jenny._ I only had one good bite.

_Sadie._ And we are poisoned!

_Bessie._ O, dear! poisoned!

_Jenny._ Yes, poisoned!

_Miss P._ How, poisoned?

_Sadie._ Mrs. Gabble says the vinegar was poisoned by Mr. Smith.

_Mrs. G._ Smith--vinegar--p'isoned! The land sakes! And I a good
church member--and my washing--and poor Mr. Brown, tew. Well, I never!
I'd have you to know that I bought no vinegar of Mr. Smith, I made my
own.

_Sadie._ And your pickles were not poisoned?

_Mrs. G._ No, indeed. Never did such a thing in my life.

_Sadie._ O, dear! I'm so glad! (_Jumping up._)

_Bessie._ I won't have the ipecac. (_Rises._)

_Jenny._ My throat is decidedly better. (_Rises._)

_Enter_ JUNO _with a pail of water and a dipper._

_Juno._ Bress my soul, de pump was fastened down so tight couldn't git
it up. Here's a pail of water; if dat won't do I'll git a tub.

_Miss P._ No matter, Juno. I think 'twill not be needed. Young ladies,
I am very sorry--

_Sadie._ Please, Miss Pease, do not speak of it. I alone am to blame
for transgressing your command, for such we should consider it, as
you are for the present our guardian. Forgive me, and in future I will
endeavour to control my appetite, and comply with your wishes.

_Mrs. G._ Well, I declare, I don't see the harm in eating pickles. My
girls eat their weight in 'em, and they're just as sweet-tempered as--

_Miss P._ Their mother. Mrs. Gabble, it is not a question of harm,
but of obedience, here. You see, the young ladies accept me as their
guardian, and I only forbid that which I think their parents would not
approve.

_Mrs. G._ And there's my washing in the suds! Where's my Sis.

_Enter_ SISSY GABBLE, L., _with a large slice of bread, covered with
molasses._

_Sissy._ Here I ith, mother. Mith Peath thed I might have thumthin,
and I like bread, and 'latheth.

_Juno._ Bress my soul! dat are chile jest runnin' over with sweetness,
sure for sartin.

_Mrs. G._ Yes; and the 'lasses running all over the clothes! Come,
Sissy, let's go home. I'm sorry, Miss Pease, you don't like pickles;
and I'm sorry, young ladies, they disagree with you. And I'm sorry,
Miss Pease, I left my washing.

_Miss P._ Now don't be sorry at all, Mrs. Gabble. I'm always glad
to see you. Your gift was well-intended, and the young ladies have
suffered no harm, perhaps received a wholesome lesson.

_Sadie._ I think we have. I shall be very careful what I touch.

_Jenny._ O, dear! such a fright! I shall never get over it.

_Bessie._ O, Sadie, you thought it was so nice!

_Jenny._ Yes, such a Precious Pickle!

_Mrs. G._ Of course it was. My pickles are the best made in
town--precious nice, I tell you. Mrs. Doolittle always sends in for
'em when she has company; and the minister says they're awful soothing
arter sermon.

_Sadie._ O, certainly; I've no doubt of it. But I've found that
_stolen_ fruit is not the sweetest, and that mischievous fingers
make trouble when they clutch what mine sought, and _made_ a Precious
Pickle.

[_Curtain._]




MY MOTHER'S BIBLE.

MORRIS.

    After once reading this sweet little poem, the student will
    need no prompting to teach him that it is not possible for him
    to deliver it with too much genuine emotion:


  This book is all that's left me now!
    Tears will unbidden start,--
  With faltering lip and throbbing brow,
    I press it to my heart.
  For many generations past,
    Here is our family tree;
  My mother's hand this Bible clasped;
    She, dying, gave it me.

  Ah! well do I remember those
    Whose names those records bear,
  Who round the hearthstone used to close
    After the evening prayer,
  And speak of what these pages said,
    In tones my heart would thrill!
  Though they are with the silent dead,
    Here are they living still!

  My father read this holy book
    To brothers, sisters dear;
  How calm was my poor mother's look,
    Who learned God's word to hear.
  Her angel-face--I see it yet!
    What thronging memories come!
  Again that little group is met
    Within the halls of home!

  Thou truest friend man ever knew,
    Thy constancy I've tried;
  Where all were false I found thee true,
    My counsellor and guide.
  The mines of earth no treasure give
    That could this volume buy:
  In teaching me the way to live,
    It taught me how to die.




ENLISTING AS ARMY NURSE.

LOUISA M. ALCOTT.


"I want something to do."--This remark being addressed to the world in
general, no one in particular felt it his duty to reply; so I repeated
it to the smaller world about me, received the following suggestions,
and settled the matter by answering my own inquiry, as people are apt
to do when very much in earnest.

"Write a book," quoth my father.

"Don't know enough, sir. First live, then write."

"Try teaching again," suggested my mother.

"No, thank you, ma'am; ten years of that is enough."

"Take a husband like my Darby, and fulfil your mission," said Sister
Jane, home on a visit.

"Can't afford expensive luxuries, Mrs. Coobiddy."

"Turn actress, and immortalize your name," said Sister Vashti,
striking an attitude.

"I won't."

"Go nurse the soldiers," said my young neighbor, Tom, panting for "the
tented field."

"I will!"

Arriving at this satisfactory conclusion, the meeting adjourned; and
the fact that Miss Tribulation was available as army nurse went abroad
on the wings of the wind.

In a few days a townswoman heard of my desire, approved of it, and
brought about an interview with one of the sisterhood I wished to
join, who was at home on a furlough, and able and willing to satisfy
inquiries.

A morning chat with Miss General S.--we hear no end of Mrs. Generals,
why not a Miss?--produced three results: I felt that I could do the
work, was offered a place, and accepted it; promising not to desert,
but to stand ready to march on Washington at an hour's notice.

A few days were necessary for the letter containing my request and
recommendation to reach head-quarters, and another, containing my
commission, to return; therefore no time was to be lost; and, heartily
thanking my pair of friends, I hurried home through the December
slush, as if the Rebels were after me, and, like many another recruit,
burst in upon my family with the announcement,--"I've enlisted!"

An impressive silence followed. Tom, the irrepressible, broke it with
a slap on the shoulder and the grateful compliment,--"Old Trib, you're
a trump!"

"Thank you; then I'll _take_ something,"--which I did, in the shape
of dinner, reeling off my news at the rate of three dozen words to a
mouthful; and as every one else talked equally fast, and all together,
the scene was most inspiring.

As boys going to sea immediately become nautical in speech, walk as
if they already had their sea-legs on, and shiver their timbers on all
possible occasions, so I turned military at once, called my dinner my
rations, saluted all new-comers, and ordered a dress-parade that very
afternoon.

Having reviewed every rag I possessed, I detailed some pieces for
picket duty while airing on the fence; some to the sanitary influences
of the wash-tub; others to mount guard in the trunk; while the weak
and wounded went to the Work-basket Hospital, to be made ready for
active service again.

To this squad I devoted myself for a week; but all was done, and I
had time to get powerfully impatient before the letter came. It did
arrive, however, and brought a disappointment along with its good-will
and friendliness; for it told me that the place in the Armory Hospital
that I supposed I was to take was already filled, and a much less
desirable one at Hurly-burly House was offered instead.

"That's just your luck, Trib. I'll take your trunk up garret for you
again; for of course you won't go," Tom remarked, with the disdainful
pity which small boys affect when they get into their teens.

I was wavering in my secret soul; but that remark settled the matter,
and I crushed him on the spot with martial brevity,--"It is now one; I
shall march at six."

I have a confused recollection of spending the afternoon in pervading
the house like an executive whirlwind, with my family swarming after
me,--all working, talking, prophesying, and lamenting while I packed
such of my things as I was to take with me, tumbled the rest into two
big boxes, danced on the lids till they shut, and gave them in charge,
with the direction,--"If I never come back, make a bonfire of them."

Then I choked down a cup of tea, generously salted instead of sugared
by some agitated relative, shouldered my knapsack,--it was only a
travelling-bag, but do let me preserve the unities,--hugged my family
three times all round without a vestige of unmanly emotion, till a
certain dear old lady broke down upon my neck, with a despairing sort
of wail,--"O my dear, my dear! how can I let you go?"

"I'll stay, if you say so, mother."

"But I don't; go, and the Lord will take care of you."

Much of the Roman matron's courage had gone into the Yankee matron's
composition, and, in spite of her tears, she would have sent ten
sons to the war, had she possessed them, as freely as she sent one
daughter, smiling and flapping on the door-step till I vanished,
though the eyes that followed me were very dim, and the handkerchief
she waved was very wet.

My transit from The Gables to the village depot was a funny mixture
of good wishes and good-bys, mud-puddles and shopping. A December
twilight is not the most cheering time to enter upon a somewhat
perilous enterprise; but I'd no thought of giving out, O, bless you,
no!

When the ingine screeched "Here we are!" I clutched my escort in a
fervent embrace, and skipped into the car with as blithe a farewell as
if going on a bridal tour,--though I believe brides don't usually wear
cavernous black bonnets and fuzzy brown coats, with a hair-brush, a
pair of rubbers, two books, and a bag of gingerbread distorting the
pockets.

If I thought that people would believe it, I'd boldly state that I
slept from C. to B., which would simplify matters immensely; but as
I know they wouldn't, I'll confess that the head under the funereal
coal-hod fermented with all manner of high thoughts and heroic
purposes "to do or die,"--perhaps both; and the heart under the fuzzy
brown coat felt very tender with the memory of the dear old lady,
probably sobbing over her army socks and the loss of her topsy-turvy
Trib.

At this juncture I took the veil, and what I did behind it is nobody's
business; but I maintain that the soldier who cries when his mother
says "Good by" is the boy to fight best, and die bravest, when the
time comes, or go back to her better than he went.




ONLY SIXTEEN.

    "When last seen, he was considerably intoxicated.... and was
    found dead in the highway."--_Republican and Democrat of_ May
    17.


  Only sixteen, so the papers say,
  Yet there on the cold, stony ground he lay;
  'Tis the same sad story we hear every day--
  He came to his death in the public highway.
  Full of promise, talent, and pride,
  Yet the rum fiend conquered him; so he died.
  Did not the angels weep over the scene?
  For he died a drunkard--and only sixteen,
                        Only sixteen.

  Oh! it were sad he must die all alone:
  That of all his friends, not even one
  Was there to list to his last faint moan,
  Or point the suffering soul to the throne
  Of grace. If, perchance, God's only Son
  Would say, "Whosoever will may come."
  But we hasten to draw a veil over the scene,
  With his God we leave him--only sixteen.
                        Only sixteen.

  Rumseller, come view the work you have wrought:
  Witness the suffering and pain you have brought
  To the poor boy's friends. They loved him well,
  And yet you dared the vile beverage to sell
  That beclouded his brain, his reason dethroned,
  And left him to die out there all alone.
  What if 'twere _your_ son instead of another?
  What if your wife were that poor boy's mother,
                        And he only sixteen?

  Ye free-holders who signed the petition to grant
  The license to sell, do you think you will want
  That record to meet in the last great day,
  When the earth and the heavens shall have passed away,
  When the elements, melted with fervent heat,
  Shall proclaim the triumph of RIGHT complete?
  Will you wish to have his blood on your hands
  When before the great throne you each shall stand,
                        And he only sixteen?

  Christian men! rouse ye to stand for the right,
  To action and duty; into the light
  Come with your banners, inscribed "Death to rum."
  Let your conscience speak. Listen, then, come;
  Strike killing blows; hew to the line;
  Make it a felony even to sign
  A petition to license; you would do it, I ween,
  If that were your son, and "only sixteen,"
                        Only sixteen.

THE WATCHWORD.




THE GRIDIRON.

THE CAPTAIN, PATRICK, AND THE FRENCHMAN.


_Patrick._ Well, Captain, whereabouts in the wide world _are_ we? Is
it Roosia, Proosia, or the Jarmant oceant?

_Captain._ Tut, you fool; it's France.

_Patrick._ Tare and ouns! do you tell me so? and how do you know it's
France, Captain dear?

_Captain._ Because we were on the coast of the Bay of Biscay when the
vessel was wrecked.

_Patrick._ Throth, I was thinkin' so myself. And now, Captain jewel,
it is I that wishes we had a gridiron.

_Captain._ Why, Patrick, what puts the notion of a gridiron into your
head?

_Patrick._ Because I'm starving with hunger, Captain dear.

_Captain._ Surely you do not intend to eat a gridiron, do you?

_Patrick._ Ate a gridiron; bad luck to it! no. But if we had a
gridiron, we could dress a beefsteak.

_Captain._ Yes; but where's the beefsteak, Patrick?

_Patrick._ Sure, couldn't we cut it off the pork?

_Captain._ I never thought of that. You are a clever fellow, Patrick.
(_Laughing._)

_Patrick._ There's many a thrue word said in joke, Captain. And now,
if you will go and get the bit of pork that we saved from the rack,
I'll go to the house there beyant, and ax some of them to lind me the
loan of a gridiron.

_Captain._ But, Patrick, this is France, and they are all foreigners
here.

_Patrick._ Well, and how do you know but I am as good a furriner
myself as any o' them.

_Captain._ What do you mean, Patrick?

_Patrick._ Parley voo frongsay?

_Captain._ O, you understand French, then, is it?

_Patrick._ Throth, you may say that, Captain dear.

Captain. Well, Patrick, success to you. Be civil to the foreigners,
and I'll be back with the pork in a minute. [_He goes out._

_Patrick._ Ay, sure enough, I'll be civil to them; for the Frinch are
always mighty p'lite intirely, and I'll show them I know what good
manners is. Indade, and here comes munseer himself, quite convaynient.
(_As the Frenchman enters, Patrick takes off his hat, and making a
low bow, says:_) God save you, sir, and all your children. I beg your
pardon for the liberty I take, but it's only being in disthress in
regard of ateing, that I make bowld to trouble ye; and if you could
lind me the loan of a gridiron, I'd be intirely obleeged to ye.

_Frenchman (staring at him)._ Comment!

_Patrick._ Indade it's thrue for you. I'm tathered to paces, and God
knows I look quare enough; but it's by rason of the storm that dhruve
us ashore jist here, and we're all starvin'.

_Frenchman._ Je m'y t--(_pronounced_ zhe meet).

_Patrick._ Oh! not at all! by no manes! we have plenty of mate
ourselves, and we'll dhress it, if you be plased jist to lind us the
loan of a gridiron, sir. (_Making a low bow._)

_Frenchman (staring at him, but not understanding a word.)_

_Patrick._ I beg pardon, sir; but maybe I'm undher a mistake, but I
thought I was in France, sir. An't you all furriners here? Parley voo
frongsay?

_Frenchman._ Oui, monsieur.

_Patrick._ Then, would you lind me the loan of a gridiron, if you
plase? (_The Frenchman stares more than ever, as if anxious to
understand._) I know it's a liberty I take, sir; but it's only in the
regard of bein' cast away; and if you plase, sir, parley voo frongsay?

_Frenchman._ Oui, monsieur, oui.

_Patrick._ Then would you lind me the loan of a gridiron, sir and
you'll obleege me?

_Frenchman._ Monsieur, pardon, monsieur--

_Patrick. (Angrily)._ By my sowl, if it was you was in disthress, and
if it was to owld Ireland you came, it's not only the gridiron they'd
give you, if you axed it, but something to put on it too, and a dhrop
of dhrink into the bargain. Can't you understand your own language?
(_Very slowly._) Parley--voo--frongsay--munseer?

_Frenchman._ Oui, monsieur; oui, monsieur, mais--

_Patrick._ Then lend me the loan of a gridiron, I say, and bad scram
to you.

_Frenchman (bowing and scraping)._ Monsieur, je ne l'entend--

_Patrick._ Phoo! the divil sweep yourself and your long tongs! I don't
want a tongs at all, at all. Can't you listen to rason?

_Frenchman._ Oui, oui, monsieur: certainement, mais--

_Patrick._ Then lind me the loan of a gridiron, and howld your prate.
(_The Frenchman shakes his head, as if to say he did not understand;
but Patrick, thinking he meant it as a refusal, says, in a passion:_)
Bad cess to the likes o' you! Throth, if you were in my counthry, it's
not that-a-way they'd use you. The curse o' the crows on you, you owld
sinner! The divil another word I'll say to you. (_The Frenchman
puts his hand on his heart, and tries to express compassion in his
countenance._) Well, I'll give you one chance more, you old thafe!
Are you a Christhian, at all, at all? Are you a furriner that all the
world calls so p'lite? Bad luck to you! do you understand your mother
tongue? Parley voo frongsay? (_Very loud._) Parley voo frongsay?

_Frenchman._ Oui, monsieur, oui, oui.

_Patrick._ Then, thunder and turf! will you lind me the loan of
a gridiron? (_The Frenchman shakes his head, as if he did not
understand; and Pat says, vehemently:_) The curse of the hungry be on
you, you owld negarly villian! the back of my hand and the sowl of my
fut to you! May you want a gridiron yourself yet! and wherever I go,
it's high and low, rich and poor, shall hear of it, and be hanged to
you!




THE FORGING OF THE ANCHOR.

SAMUEL FERGUSON.

    This fine poem is full of points for brilliant declamation;
    at times there should be a flow of rapid narration, rising
    frequently into shouts of exultation:


  Come, see the good ship's anchor forged--'tis at a white heat now:
  The bellows ceased, the flames decreased--though on the forge's brow
  The little flames still fitfully play through the sable mound,
  And fitfully you still may see the grim smiths ranking round;
  All clad in leathern panoply, their broad hands only bare--
  Some rest upon their sledges here, some work the windlass there.

  The windlass strains the tackle chains, the black mound heaves
          below,
  And red and deep a hundred veins burst out at every throe!
  It rises, roars, rends all outright--O, Vulcan, what a glow:
  'Tis blinding white, 'tis blasting bright--the high sun shines not
          so!
  The high sun sees not, on the earth, such fiery fearful show;
  The roof-ribs swart, the candent hearth, the ruddy lurid row
  Of smiths that stand, an ardent band, like men before the foe
  As, quivering through his fleece of flame, the sailing-monster slow
  Sinks on the anvil--all about the faces fiery grow.

  "Hurrah!" they shout, "leap out--leap out;" bang, bang the sledges
          go;
  Hurrah! the jetted lightnings are hissing high and low--
  A hailing fount of fire is struck at every quashing blow;
  The leathern mail rebounds the hail, the rattling cinders strow
  The ground around: at every bound the sweltering fountains flow
  And thick and loud the swinking crowd at every stroke pant "Ho!"

  Leap out, leap out, my masters; leap out and lay on load!
  Let's forge a goodly anchor--a bower thick and broad;
  For a heart of oak is hanging on every blow, I bode,
  And I see the good ship riding, all in a perilous road--
  The low reef roaring on her lee--the roll of ocean poured
  From stem to stern, sea after sea; the mainmast by the board;
  The bulwarks down, the rudder gone, the boats stove at the chains!
  But courage still, brave mariners--the bower yet remains!
  And not an inch to flinch he deigns, save when ye pitch sky-high;
  Then moves his head, as though he said, "Fear nothing--here am I."

  Swing in your strokes in order, let foot and hand keep time;
  Your blows make sweeter music far than any steeple's chime.
  But while you sling your sledges, sing--and let the burden be,
  "The anchor is the anvil king, and royal craftsmen we:"
  Strike in, strike in--the sparks begin to dull their rustling red;
  Our hammers ring with sharper din, our work will soon be sped.

  Our anchor must soon change his bed of fiery rich array,
  For a hammock at the roaring bows, or an oozy couch of clay;
  Our anchor must soon change the lay of merry craftsmen here,
  For the "Yeo-heave-o'!" and the "Heave-away!" and the sighing
          seaman's cheer;
  When, weighing slow, at eve they go--far, far from love and home;
  And sobbing sweethearts, in a row, wail o'er the ocean foam.

  In livid and obdurate gloom he darkens down at last;
  A shapely one he is, and strong, as e'er from cast was cast.
  O, trusted and trustworthy guard, if thou hadst life like me,
  What pleasures would thy toils reward beneath the deep green sea!

  O, broad-armed diver of the deep, whose sports can equal thine?
  The good ship weighs a thousand tons, that tugs thy cable line;
  And, night by night, 'tis thy delight, thy glory day by day,
  Through sable sea and breaker white, the giant game to play.
  O, lodger in the sea-king's halls, couldst thou but understand
  Whose be the white bones by thy side, once leagued in patriot band!
  O, couldst thou know what heroes glide with larger steps round thee,
  Thine iron sides would swell with pride; thou'dst leap within the
          sea!

  Give honor to their memories who left the pleasant strand,
  To shed their blood so freely for love of father-land--
  Who left their chance of quiet age and grassy church-yard grave
  So freely, for a restless bed amid the tossing wave--
  O, though our anchor may not be all I have fondly sung,
  Honor him for their memory, whose bones he goes among!




LORD DUNDREARY AT BRIGHTON.

AND THE RIDDLE HE MADE THERE.


One of the many popular delusions wespecting the Bwitish swell is the
supposition that he leads an independent life,--goes to bed when he
likes, gets up when he likes, d-dwesses how he likes, and dines when
he pleases.

The public are gwossly deceived on this point. A weal swell is as
m-much under authowity as a p-poor devil of a pwivate in the marines,
a clerk in a government office, or a f-forth-form boy at Eton. Now
I come under the demon--demonima--(no,--thop,--what is the
word?)--dom--denom--d-denomination, that 'th it--I come under the
d-denomination of a swell--(in--in fact--a _howwid_ swell--some of my
friends call me, but _that'th_ only their flattewy), and I assure
you a f-fellah in that capacity is so much westained by rules of
f-fashion, that he can scarcely call his eyeglath his own. A swell, I
take it, is a fellah who t-takes care that he swells as well as swells
who swell as well as he, (there's thuch lot of thwelling in that
thentence,--ha, ha!--it's what you might c-call a busting definition).
What I mean is, that a f-fellah is obliged to do certain things at
certain times of the year, whether he likes 'em or no. For instance,
in the season I've got to go to a lot of balls and dwums and
tea-fights in town, that I don't care a bit about, and show myself in
the Park wegularly evewy afternoon; and latht month I had to victimize
mythelf down in the countwy,--shooting (a bwutal sort of amusement, by
the way). Well, about the end of October evewy one goes to Bwighton,
n-no one knowth why,--that'th the betht of it,--and so I had to go
too,--that's the wortht of it,--ha, ha!

Not that it's such a b-bad place after all,--I d-dare say if I hadn't
_had_ to go I should have gone all the same, for what is a f-fellah
to do who ith n't much of a sportsman just about this time? There 'th
n-nothing particular going on in London. Evewything is b-beathly dull;
so I thought I would just run down on the Southeastern Wailway to
be--ha, ha!--Bwightoned up a bit. (Come, th-that's not bad for an
impromptu!)

B-Bwighton was invented in the year 1784, by his Woyal Highness George
P-Pwince of Wales,--the author of the shoebuckle, the stand-up collar
(a b-beathly inconvenient and cut-throat thort of a machine), and
a lot of other exthploded things. He built the Pavilion down there,
which looks like a lot of petrified onions from Bwobdinag clapped down
upon a guard-house. There'th a jolly sort of garden attached to the
building, in which the b-band plays twice a week, and evewy one turns
in there about four o'clock, so I went too (n-not _too_ o'clock,
you know, but f-four o'clock). I--I'm vewy fond of m-martial music,
mythelf. I like the dwums and the t-twombones, and the ophicleides,
and all those sort of inshtwuments,--yeth, ethpethelly the bwass
ones,--they're so vewy exthpiring, they are. Thtop though, ith it
expiring or _p-per_thpiring?--n-neither of 'em sound quite right. Oh!
I have it now, it--it's _in_thspiring,--that'th what it is, because
the f-fellahs _bweathe into them_!

That weminds me of a widdle I made down there (I--I've taken to
widdles lately, and weally it'th a vewy harmleth thort of a way of
getting thwough the morning, and it amuthes two f-fellahs at onth,
because if--if you athk a fellah a widdle, and he can't guess it, you
can have a jolly good laugh at _him_, and--if he--if he _doth_ guess
it, he--I mean you--no--that is the widdle--stop, I--I'm getting
confuthed,--where wath I? Oh! I know. If--if he _doth_ guess it....
however it ithn't vewy likely he would--so what's the good of
thupposing impwobabilities?) Well, thith was the widdle I made,--I
thed to Sloper (Sloper's a fwiend of mine,--a vewy gook thort of
fellah Sloper is,--I d-don't know exactly what his pwofession would
be called, but hith uncle got him into a b-berth where he gets f-five
hundred a year,--f-for doing nothing--s-somewhere--I forget where--but
I--I know he does it),--I said to Sloper, "Why is that f-fellah with
the b-bassooon l-like his own instrument?" and Sloper said, "How--how
the dooth should I know?" (Ha, ha!--I thought he'd give it up!) So
I said to Sloper, "Why, b-because they both get _blown_--in _time_!"
_You_ thee the joke, of course, but I don't think Sloper did,
thomhow; all he thed was, "V-vewy mild, Dundreary,"--and t-tho--it was
mild--thertainly, _f-for October_, but I d-don't thee why a f-fellah
should go making wemarks about the weather instead of laughing at m-my
widdle.

In this pwomenade that I was speaking of, you see such a lot of
thtunning girls evewy afternoon,--dwessed twemendous swells, and
looking like--yes, by Jove! l-like angels in cwinoline,--there 'th
no other word for it. There are two or thwee always _will_ l-laugh,
somehow, when I meet them,--they do now _weally_. I--I almost fancy
they wegard me with intewest. I mutht athk Sloper if he can get me
an introduction. Who knowth? pwaps I might make an impwession,--I'll
twy,--I--I've got a little converthathional power,--and _theveral_ new
wethcoats.

Bwighton is filling fast now. You see dwoves of ladies evewy day on
horseback, widing about in all diwections. By the way, I--I muthn't
forget to mention that I met those two girls that always laugh when
they thee me, at a tea-fight. One of 'em--the young one--told me, when
I was intwoduced to her,--in--in confidence, mind,--that she had often
heard of me and of my _widdles_. Tho you thee I'm getting quite
a weputathun that way. The other morning, at Mutton's, she wath
ch-chaffing me again, and begging me to tell her the latetht thing
in widdles. Now, I hadn't heard any mythelf for thome time, tho I
couldn't give her any _vewy_ great novelty, but a fwiend of mine made
one latht theason which I thought wather neat, tho I athked her, When
ith a jar not a jar? Thingularly enough, the moment she heard thith
widdle she burtht out laughing behind her pocket-handkerchief!

"Good gwacious! what'th the matter?" said I. "Have you ever heard it
before?"

"Never," she said emphatically, "in that form; do, _please_ tell me
the answer."

So I told her,--When it ith a door! Upon which she--she went off again
in hystewics. I--I--I never _did_ see such a girl for laughing. I know
it's a good widdle, but I didn't think it would have such an effect as
_that_.

By the way, Sloper told me afterwards that he thought _he_ had heard
the widdle before, somewhere, but it was put in a different way. He
said it was: When ith a door not a door?--and the answer, When it ith
ajar!

I--I've been thinking over the matter lately, and though I dare thay
it--d-don't much matter which way the question is put, still--pwaps
the last f-form is the betht. It--it seems to me to _wead_ better.
What do you think?

Now I weckomember, I made thuch a jolly widdle the other day on the
Ethplanade. I thaw a fellah with a big New--Newfoundland dog, and he
inthpired me--the dog, you know, not the fellah,--he wath a lunatic.
I'm keeping the widdle, but I don't mind telling _you_.

Why does a dog waggle hith tail? Give it up? I think motht fellahs
will give that up!

You thee, the dog waggles hith tail becauth the dog's stwonger than
the tail. If he wath n't, the tail would waggle the dog!

Ye-th,--that 'th what I call a widdle. If I can only wecollect him, I
thall athtonish those two girls thome of these days.




THE VOICES AT THE THRONE.

T. WESTWOOD.


  A little child,
  A little meek-faced, quiet village child,
  Sat singing by her cottage door at eve
  A low, sweet sabbath song. No human ear
  Caught the faint melody,--no human eye
  Beheld the upturned aspect, or the smile
  That wreathed her innocent lips while they breathed
  The oft-repeated burden of the hymn,
  "Praise God! Praise God!"

                       A seraph by the throne
  In full glory stood. With eager hand
  He smote the golden harp-string, till a flood
  Of harmony on the celestial air
  Welled forth, unceasing. There with a great voice,
  He sang the "Holy, holy evermore,
  Lord God Almighty!" and the eternal courts
  Thrilled with the rapture, and the hierarchies,
  Angel, and rapt archangel, throbbed and burned
  With vehement adoration.

                       Higher yet
  Rose the majestic anthem, without pause,
  Higher, with rich magnificence of sound,
  To its full strength; and still the infinite heavens
  Rang with the "Holy, holy evermore!"
  Till, trembling with excessive awe and love,
  Each sceptred spirit sank before the Throne
  With a mute hallelujah.

                        But even then,
  While the ecstatic song was at its height,
  Stole in an alien voice,--a voice that seemed
  To float, float upward from some world afar,--
  A meek and childlike voice, faint, but how sweet!
  That blended with the spirits' rushing strain,
  Even as a fountain's music, with the roll
  Of the reverberate thunder.

                        Loving smiles
  Lit up the beauty of each angel's face
  At that new utterance, smiles of joy that grew
  More joyous yet, as ever and anon
  Was heard the simple burden of the hymn,
  "Praise God! praise God!"

                        And when the seraph's song
  Had reached its close, and o'er the golden lyre
  Silence hung brooding,--when the eternal courts
  Rang with the echoes of his chant sublime,
  Still through the abysmal space that wandering voice
  Came floating upward from its world afar,
  Still murmured sweet on the celestial air,
  "Praise God! praise God!"




MY FRIEND'S SECRET.


  I found my friend in his easy chair,
  With his heart and his head undisturbed by a care;
  The smoke of a Cuba outpoured from his lips,
  His face like the moon in a semi-eclipse;
  His feet, in slippers, as high as his nose,
  And his chair tilted back to a classical pose.

  I marvelled much such contentment to see--
  The secret whereof I begged he'd give me.
  He puffed away with re-animate zest,
  As though with an added jollity blest.
  "I'll tell you, my friend," said he, in a pause,
  "What is the very 'identical' cause.

  "Don't fret!--Let this be the first rule of your life;--
  Don't fret with your children, don't fret with your wife;
  Let everything happen as happen it may,
  Be cool as a cucumber every day;
  If favourite of fortune or a thing of its spite,
  Keep calm, and believe that all is just right.

  "If you're blown up abroad or scolded at home,
  Just make up your mind to let it all come:
  If people revile you or pile on offence,
  'Twill not make any odds a century hence.
  For all the reviling that malice can fling,
  A little philosophy softens the sting.

  "Run never in debt, but pay as you go;
  A man free from debt feels a heaven below;
  He rests in a sunshine undimmed by a dun,
  And ranks 'mid the favoured as A No. 1.
  It needs a great effort the spirit to brace
  'Gainst the terror that dwells in a creditor's face.

  "And this one resolve you should cherish like gold,
  --It has ever my life and endeavour controlled,--
  If fortune assail, and worst comes to worst,
  And business proves bad, its bubbles all burst,
  Be resolved, if disaster your plans circumvent,
  That you will, if you fail, owe no man a cent."

  There was Bunsby's deep wisdom revealed in his tone,
  Though its depth was hard to fathom I own;
  "For how can I fail," I said to myself,
  "If to pay all my debts I have enough pelf?"
  Then I scratched my sinciput, battling for light,
  But gave up the effort, supposing 'twas right;
  And herein give out, as my earnest intent,
  Whenever I fail to owe no man a cent.




VAIN REGRETS.


  A seedy old beggar asked alms of me
  As he sat 'neath the shade of a wayside tree.
  He was beggared in purse and beggared in soul,
  And his voice betrayed a pitiful dole,
  As he sang a song, to a dismal pitch,
  With the burden, "IF THINGS WAS ONLY SICH!"

  "If things was only sich," said he,
  "You should see what a wonderful man I'd be;
  No beggar I, by the wayside thrown,
  But I'd live in a palace and millions own,
  And men would court me if I were rich--
  As I'd be if things was only sich."

  "If things was only sich," said he,
  "I'd be lord of the land and lord of the sea;
  I would have a throne and be a king,
  And rule the roast with a mighty swing--
  I'd make a place in Fame's bright niche;
  I'd do it if things was only sich."

  "If things was only sich," said he,
  "Rare wines I'd quaff from the far countree,
  I'd cloth myself in dazzling garb,
  I'd mount the back of the costly barb,
  And none should ask me wherefore or which--
  Did it chance that things was only sich."

  "If things was only sich," said he,
  "I'd love the fairest and they'd love me;
  Yon dame, with a smile that warms my heart,
  Might have borne with me life's better part,
  But lost to me, here in poverty's ditch,
  What were mine if things was only sich."

  Thus the old beggar moodily sung,
  And his eyes dropped tears as his hands he wrung.
  I could but pity to hear him berate,
  In dolorous tones the decrees of Fate,
  That laid on his back its iron switch,
  While he cried, "If things was only sich."

  "If things was only sich!"--e'en all
  Might the past in sad review recall;
  But little the use and little the gain,
  Exhuming the bones of buried pain,
  And whether we're poor or whether we're rich,
  We'll say not, "If things was only sich."




ON THE SHORES OF TENNESSEE.

E.L. BEERS.

    The opening verses should be given in a low, almost plaintive
    tone; when the flag is seen, the exclamations should be
    ejaculated with spirit and rapturous delight. Care should
    be taken not to give the negro _patois_ too broad, or it may
    prove a defect; where properly spoken it is really a beauty:


  "Move my arm-chair, faithful Pompey
    In the sunshine bright and strong,
  For this world is fading, Pompey--
    Massa won't be with you long;
  And I fain would hear the south wind
    Bring once more the sound to me,
  Of the wavelets softly breaking
    On the shores of Tennessee.

  "Mournful though the ripples murmur
    As they still the story tell,
  How no vessels float the banner
    That I've loved so long and well.
  I shall listen to their music,
    Dreaming that again I see
  Stars and stripes on sloop and shallop
    Sailing up the Tennessee;

  "And, Pompey, while old Massa's waiting
    For Death's last dispatch to come,
  If that exiled starry banner
    Should come proudly sailing home.
  You shall greet it slave no longer--
    Voice and hand shall both be free
  That shout and point to Union colors
    On the waves of Tennessee."

  "Massa's berry kind to Pompey;
    But old darkey's happy here.
  Where he's tended corn and cotton
    For dese many a long gone year.
  Over yonder, Missis' sleeping--
    No one tends her grave like me:
  Mebbe she would miss the flowers
    She used to love in Tennessee.

  "'Pears like, she was watching Massa--
    If Pompey should beside him stay,
  Mebbe she'd remember better
    How for him she used to pray;
  Telling him that way up yonder
    White as snow his soul would be,
  If he served the Lord of Heaven
    While he lived in Tennessee."

  Silently the tears were rolling
    Down the poor old dusky face,
  As he stepped behind his master,
    In his long-accustomed place.
  Then a silence fell around them,
    As they gazed on rock and tree
  Pictured in the placid waters
    Of the rolling Tennessee;--

  Master, dreaming of the battle
    Where he fought by Marion's side,
  When he bid the haughty Tarleton
    Stoop his lordly crest of pride;--
  Man, remembering how yon sleeper
    Once he held upon his knee,
  Ere she loved the gallant soldier,
    Ralph Vervair of Tennessee.

  Still the south wind fondly lingers
    'Mid the veteran's silver hair;
  Still the bondman close beside him
    Stands behind the old arm-chair,
  With his dark-hued hand uplifted,
    Shading eyes, he bends to see
  Where the woodland, boldly jutting,
    Turns aside the Tennessee.

  Thus he watches cloud-born shadows
    Glide from tree to mountain-crest,
  Softly creeping, aye and ever
    To the river's yielding breast.
  Ha! above the foliage yonder
    Something flutters wild and free
  "Massa! Massa! Hallelujah!
    The flag's come back to Tennessee!"

  "Pompey, hold me on your shoulder,
    Help me stand on foot once more,
  That I may salute the colors
    As they pass my cabin door.
  Here's the paper signed that frees you,
    Give a freeman's shout with me--
  'God and Union!' be our watchword
    Evermore in Tennessee!"

  Then the trembling voice grew fainter,
    And the legs refused to stand;
  One prayer to Jesus--and the soldier
    Glided to the better land.
  When the flag went down the river
    Man and master both were free;
  While the ring-dove's note was mingled
    With the rippling Tennessee.




THE BLACK REGIMENT. PORT HUDSON.

MAY 27, 1863.

GEO. H. BOKER.


  Dark as the clouds of even,
  Ranked in the western heaven,
  Waiting the breath that lifts
  All the dread mass, and drifts
  Tempest and falling brand
  Over a ruined land;--
  So still and orderly,
  Arm to arm, knee to knee,
  Waiting the great event
  Stands the black regiment.

  Down the long dusky line
  Teeth gleam and eye-balls shine,
  And the bright bayonet,
  Bristling, and firmly set,
  Flashed with a purpose grand,
  Long, ere the sharp command
  Of the fierce rolling drum
  Told them their time had come,
  Told them what work was sent
  For the black regiment.

  "Now," the flag-sergeant cried,
  "Though death and hell betide,
  Let the whole nation see
  If we are fit to be
  Free in this land; or bound
  Down, like the whining hound,--
  Bound with red stripes of pain
  In our cold chains again!"
  Oh! what a shout there went
  From the black regiment!

  "Charge!" trump and drum awoke,
  Onward the bondmen broke:
  Bayonet and sabre stroke
  Vainly opposed their rush.
  Through the wild battle's crush,
  With but one thought aflush,
  Driving their lords like chaff,
  In the guns' mouths they laugh;
  Or at the slippery brands
  Leaping with open hands,
  Down they tear man and horse,
  Down in their awful course;
  Trampling with bloody heel
  Over the crashing steel,
  All their eyes forward bent,
  Rushed the black regiment.

  "Freedom!" their battle-cry,--
  "Freedom! or learn to die!"
  Ah! and they meant the word,
  Not as with us 'tis heard,
  Not a mere party shout:
  They gave their spirits out;
  Trusted the end to God,
  And on the glory sod
  Rolled in triumphant blood.
  Glad to strike one free blow,
  Whether for weal or woe;
  Glad to breathe one free breath,
  Though on the lips of death,
  Praying--alas! in vain!--
  That they might fall again,
  So they could once more see
  That burst to liberty!
  This was what "freedom" lent
  To the black regiment.

  Hundreds on hundreds fell;
  But they are resting well;
  Scourges and shackles strong
  Never shall do them wrong.
  O, to the living few,
  Soldiers, be just and true!
  Hail them as comrades tried;
  Fight with them side by side;
  Never in field or tent,
  Scorn the black regiment.




THE THIEF OF TIME.

CHARACTERS.

  JOHN RAY,         }
  CHARLEY CHEERFUL, } School-boys.
  RALPH READY,      }
  MR. HANKS, a Deaf Gentleman.
  JOHN CLOD, a Countryman.
  PATSY FLINN, an Irishman.


SCENE.--_A Quiet Place in the Country._

_Enter_ RALPH READY, R., _with School-books_.

_Ralph._ Twenty minutes of nine. I can take it easy this morning. How
glad I am I staid at home last night and studied "Spartacus." It's
Declamation Day, and I want to win the highest mark. If I fail, it
will not be for want of study. I believe I'm all right. (_Declaims._)

  "Ye call me Chief--"[1]

    [Footnote 1: The dialogue can be lengthened, if necessary,
    by allowing Charley and Ralph to declaim the whole of their
    pieces.]

_Enter_ CHARLEY CHEERFUL, L.

_Charley._ (_Clapping his hands._) Bravo! Bravo! Spartacus. "They
do well to call _you_ chief!" number one in arithmetic, history, and
geography; and to-day I've no doubt we shall call you number one in
declamation.

_Ralph._ Ah, Charley, glad to see you. Are you all ready for the
contest?

_Charley._ Yes, Ralph. (_Declaims._)

  "Again to the battle, Achaians;
  Our hearts bid the tyrants defiance."

_Ralph._ I see "a foeman worthy of my steel." Well, Charley, good luck
to you.

_Charley._ The same to you. I believe we are about equally matched. I
want to take the highest mark, but if I am to be defeated, there's no
one to whom I'd sooner surrender the "victor's laurels" than to you.

_Ralph._ And I can heartily say the same of you; but we must both look
out. John Ray told the boys yesterday he was bound to have the highest
mark.

_Charley._ I don't fear him.

_Ralph._ But he's a good declaimer, Charley.

_Charley._ I'll acknowledge that; but you know he's a terrible fellow
for putting off study until the last moment. It was only yesterday
morning Master Jones decided to have declamation to-day. The only time
we had to prepare was yesterday noon, last night, and this morning.

_Ralph._ Time enough, Charley.

_Charley._ Certainly. But I know John Ray hasn't employed it.
Yesterday noon he went boating; last night I'm afraid he visited
Hopkins's melon patch; and this morning I saw him from my window
playing ball.

_Ralph._ Then we've not much to fear from him; but here he is, puffing
like a porpoise.

_Enter_ JOHN RAY, L., _with a book._

_John._ Hallo, boys! what's the time?

_Charley._ Eighteen minutes of nine. All ready for the declamation?

_John._ Not yet; there's time enough.

_Ralph._ Time enough! What have you selected?

_John._ "Tell's Address." I'm going to pitch into it now. I can do it
in eighteen minutes.

_Charley._ Why, you haven't left it till now?

_John._ Of course I have. Time enough, I tell you. I've got a
locomotive memory, you know. None of your slow coaches. I shall only
have to read it over two or three times.

_Ralph._ But why didn't you take it up before?

_John._ What's the use? I went boating yesterday; and last night I
went--somewhere else.

_Charley._ Yes! you took a _melon_choly walk. Hey, John?

_John._ What do you mean by that?

_Charley._ No matter. You'd better study Tell's Address, if you expect
to be ready by nine o'clock.

_John._ So I had. Well, you run along, and let me have this place to
myself. It's a quiet place. So good by. I'll see you by nine o'clock,
with Tell's Address perfect.

_Charley._ Well, good luck to you. Come Ralph.

_Ralph._ I say, Ray; what's the proverb about the "thief of time"?

_John._ Who do you call a thief?

_Ralph._ A slow coach, that will rob you of your laurels spite of your
locomotive memory. Come along Charley. [_Exeunt_ CHARLEY _and_ RALPH
R.

_John._ Now, who told them I was after melons last night. (_Opens
book._) "Tell's Address." Won't I astonish those lads! What's the use
of wasting time in study before it's needed? (_Reads._)

  "Ye crags and peaks, I'm with you once again."

_Enter_ MR. HANKS, L.

_Mr. Hanks._ Look here, boy; where's Mr. Simmons's house?

_John._ O, bother! Over by the mill.

_Mr. H._ Hey?

_John._ Over by the mill.

_Mr. H._ Over that hill? Good gracious! You don't mean I've got to
travel as far as that, do you, in the hot sun?

_John._ No, no; it's only a little ways.

_Mr. H._ Only a little blaze! It's an awful hot morning.

_John._ O, dear! this old fellow is as deaf as a post. (_Very loud._)
Mr.--Simmons--lives--down--by--the--mill.

_Mr. H._ O, he does! Why didn't you say so before? Down that way?
(_Points_ R.)

_John._ (_Loud._) Yes! To--the--right! That--old--wooden--one--ahead!

_Mr. H._ Who do you call an old wooden head?

_John._ O, dear! I never shall get that piece. You don't understand.
I--said--wooden--house.

_Mr. H._ Hey?

_John._ O, dear! O, dear! (_Points_ R.) That's Mr.
Simmons's--house--down--there!

_Mr. H._ O, yes. Thank you, thank you. I'm a little hard of hearing.

_John._ I see you are. Suffering from a cold?

_Mr. H._ Hey?

_John._ O, what a nuisance! Is it--from a cold you--suffer?

_Mr. H._ Old buffer, indeed! Be more respectful to your elders, young
man; more respectful.

[_Exit_, R.

_John._ I've got rid of him at last, and five minutes gone. O, dear!
(_Reads._)

  "Ye crags and peaks, I'm with you once again!"

_Enter_ MR. HANKS, R.

_Mr. H._ Did you say right or left?

_John._ Good gracious! the man's back! To--the right! To the right!
Follow the stream.

_Mr. H._ Hey?

_John._ Follow--the--stream--as--it--flows.

_Mr. H._ Follow my nose! You're an impudent scamp! I'll ask you no
more questions. [_Exit_, R.

_John._ I hope you won't. This comes of trying to do a good-natured
act. O, dear! that address! (_Reads._)

  "Ye crags and peaks, I'm with you once again!"

_Enter_ JOHN CLOD, L.

_Clod._ I say, sonny; yer hain't seen nothin' of a keow, have yer,
here or hereabouts?

_John._ No, I haven't seen no cow.

_Clod._ Well, don't git mad. It's plaguy strange where that are
keow has travelled tew. Brand new keow dad brought hum from market
yesterday. What on airth shall I do? She's a brindle, short horns.
Yeou hain't seen her?

_John._ No, I haven't seen her. I've seen no cows or cattle of any
kind. It's no use stopping here.

_Clod._ Well, I dunno what's to be did. Marm, she dropped her bakin',
and scooted one way; dad quit ploughin', and scooted another; and I've
been scootin' every which way. Ain't heard a keow moo--mooing, have
yer?

_John._ I don't believe there's a cow within forty miles of here.

_Clod._ Sho! yer jokin' neow. Neow, see here; I kinder think yeou dew
know somethin' about that keow. Jest tell me where she is, and I don't
mind ginning yer fo'pence.

_John._ I tell you again, I know nothing about your cow. I'm studing
my lesson; and if you don't clear out and leave me in peace, I shall
never get it.

_Clod._ Sho! Well, I don't want to hender ye, but I should like to
know what's become of that are keow. [_Exit_, R.

_John._ Gone at last. Was ever a fellow so plagued! I've only got
eight minutes, and I must study. (_Goes to back of stage, and walks up
and down, studying._)

_Enter_ PATSY FLINN, L.

_Patsy._ Begorra, it's a foine irrant I's on ony way. It's all along
iv thim watthermillons, bad luck to 'em! Slaping swately on my bid
last night thinking uv the bould b'ys that fit, blid, and run away
from Canady, I heerd a v'ice in the millon patch, "Here's a bouncer,
b'ys." Faix, didn't I lept out uv that bid, and didn't I hurry on
my clo'es, and didn't I take a big shtick, and didn't I run fur the
patch, and didn't I find nobody? To be sure I did! So this morning,
Mr. Hopkins sinds me to the school-house to find the b'ys that invadid
the sacred retrait, which is the millon-patch. But how will I find
thim? Begorra, I should know that v'ice; and I'll make the whole
school shtand up togither one by one and shout, "Here's a bouncer!"
that I will.

_John._ (_Coming down_ R. _of stage._) Now let's see how much I know.
(_Declaims._)

  "Ye crags and peaks, I'm with you once again!"

_Patsy._ By my sowl, that's the v'ice of my dr'ams!

  _John._ "I hold to you the hands you first beheld,
  To show they still are free."

_Patsy._ Fray, is it, begorra! Ye'll not hould thim long, me b'y!

  _John._                  "Methinks I hear
  A spirit in your echoes answer me."

_Patsy._ Begorra, ye'll soon hear an Irish echo ax ye something else!

  _John._ "And bid your tenant welcome to his home
  again!"

_Patsy._ Begorra, you're wilcome to no more watermillons, ye'll find!

  _John._        "Ye guards of Liberty!"

_Patsy._ Ye little blackguard!

  _John._ "I'm with you once again! I hold my hands to you,
  To show they still are free!"

_Patsy._ Begorra, they're stained with watermillons, sure!

  _John._                  "I rush to you,
  As though I could embrace you!"

(_Runs into_ PATSY'S _arms._)

_Patsy._ Come on, I'm waiting for you! O, you blackguard! O, yes
spalpeen! I've got yes!

_John._ Who are you? What do you want? Let me go!

_Patsy._ Niver! Ye must go along wid me, my fine lad; there's a bill a
waiting for you at farmer Hopkins's.

_John._ Farmer Hopkins! But I shall be late for school.

_Patsy._ O, niver mind the school. You'll get a little uv it there,
from a nice big cowhide.

_John._ Let me go, I say!

_Patsy._ Quit your howling, and come along.

_John._ I won't. Help! Help! Help!

_Enter_ CHARLEY _and_ RALPH, R.

_Charley._ What's the matter, Ray?

_Ralph._ Hallo, Patsy! What's to pay now?

_Patsy._ A small bill for watermillons, Master Ralph.

_Ralph._ O, I see; you're found out, Ray!

_John._ Well, I wan't the only one in the patch last night.

_Ralph._ But you're the only one found out; so you must take the
consequences.

_Charley._ Master Jones sent us to look for you; it's five minutes
after nine.

_John._ O, dear, what's to become of me!

_Ralph._ You must get to school at once. Patsy, I'll be answerable for
John Ray's appearance at Farmer Hopkins's after school. Won't that do?

_Patsy._ To be sure it will. I can depind upon you, Master Ralph. But
mind and cape an eye on that chap; fur it's my opinion he's a little
cracked; he's bin ravin' about crags, and peaks, and liberty like a
full-blooded Fenian. I'll go home and practise a bit wid that cowhide.
[_Exit_, L.

_Charley._ Well, John, got your piece?

_John._ Got my piece? No. I've been bothered to death!

_Ralph._ You've been keeping company with the "thief of time."

_John._ I'd like to know what you mean by that.

_Ralph._ I'll tell you. You should have studied your piece yesterday
noon; but, instead of that, you went boating. You should have studied
last night; but instead of that, you got into a scrape, which promises
to make trouble for you; and this morning you played ball instead of
taking time for your work.

_John._ Well, I meant to have studied it yesterday, but I thought I
had plenty of time. I wanted a little recreation.

_Charley._ Yes, John; but you should look out for the lessons first,
and not neglect them. Come, let's go to school.

_John._ And be at the foot of the class. I don't like this.

_Ralph._ You'll find a remedy for it in the copy-book.

_John._ What is it?

_Ralph._ A warning to the dilatory--"Procrastination is the thief of
time."

[_Exeunt_, R.





THE RAIN-DROPS.

T.H. EVANS.


  A farmer had a field of corn of rather large extent,
  In tending which, with anxious care, much time and toil he spent;
  But after working long and hard, he saw, with grief and pain,
  His corn began to droop and fade, because it wanted rain.

  So sad and restless was his mind, at home he could not stop,
  But to his field repaired each day to view his withering crop.
  One day, when he stood looking up, despairing, at the sky,
  Two little rain-drops in the clouds his sad face chanced to spy.

  "I very sorry feel," said one, "to see him look so sad;
  I wish I could do him some good; indeed, I should be glad.
  Just see the trouble he has had; and if it should not rain,
  Why, all his toil, and time, and care he will have spent in vain."

  "What use are you," cried number two, "to water so much ground?
  You're nothing but a drop of rain, and could not wet one mound."
  "What you have said," his friend replied, "I know is very true;
  But I'm resolved to do my best, and more I cannot do.

  I'll try to cheer his heart a bit: so now I'm off--here goes!"
  And down the little rain-drop fell upon the farmer's nose.
  "Whatever's that?" the farmer cried. "Was it a drop of rain?
  I do believe it's come at last; I have not watched in vain."

  Now, when the second rain-drop saw his willing friend depart,
  Said he, "I'll go as well, and try to cheer the farmer's heart."
  But many rain-drops by this time had been attracted out,
  To see and hear what their two friends were talking so about.

  "We'll go as well," a number cried, "as our two friends have gone.
  We shall not only cheer his heart, but water, too, his corn.
  We're off! we're off!" they shout with glee, and down they fell so
          fast.
  "O bless the Lord!" the farmer cried, "the rain has come at last."

  The corn it grew and ripened well, and into food was dressed,
  Because a little rain-drop said, "I'll try, and do my best."
  This little lesson, children dear, you'll not forget I'm sure;
  Try, do your best, do what you can--angels can do no more.




THE SCOLDING OLD DAME.


  There once was a toper--I'll not tell his name--
  Who had for his comfort a scolding old dame;
  And often and often he wished himself dead,
  For, if drunk he came home, she would beat him to bed.
  He spent all his evenings away from his home,
  And, when he returned, he would sneakingly come
  And try to walk straightly, and say not a word--
  Just to keep his dear wife from abusing her lord;
  For if he dared say his tongue was his own,
  'Twould set her tongue going, in no gentle tone,
  And she'd huff him, and cuff him, and call him hard names,
  And he'd sigh to be rid of all scolding old dames.

  It happened, one night, on a frolic he went,
  He stayed till his very last penny was spent;
  But how to go home, and get safely to bed,
  Was the thing on his heart that most heavily weighed.
  But home he must go; so he caught up his hat,
  And off he went singing, by this and by that,
  "I'll pluck up my courage; I guess she's in bed.
  If she a'nt, 'tis no matter, I'm sure. Who's afraid?"
  He came to his door; he lingered until
  He peeped, and he listened, and all seemed quite still,
  In he went, and his wife, sure enough, was in bed!
  "Oh!" says he, "it's just as I thought. Who's afraid?"

  He crept about softly, and spoke not a word;
  His wife seemed to sleep, for she never e'en stirred!
  Thought he, "For _this_ night, then, my fortune is made:
  For my dear, scolding wife is asleep! Who's afraid?"
  But soon he felt thirsty; and slyly he rose,
  And, groping around, to the table he goes,
  The pitcher found empty, and so was the bowl,
  The pail, and the tumblers--she'd emptied the whole!
  At length, in a corner, a vessel he found!
  Says he, "Here's something to drink, I'll be bound!"
  And eagerly seizing, he lifted it up--
  And drank it all off in one long, hearty sup!

  It tasted so queerly; and what could it be?
  He wondered. It neither was water nor tea!
  Just then a thought struck him and filled him with fear:
  "Oh! it must be the poison for rats, I declare!"
  And loudly he called on his dear, sleeping wife,
  And begged her to rise; "for," said he, "on my life
  I fear it was _poison_ the bowl did contain.
  _Oh dear! yes_, it _was_ poison; I now feel the pain!"
  "And what made you dry, sir?" the wife sharply cried.
  "'Twould serve you just right if from poison you died;
  And you've done a _fine_ job, and you'd now better march,
  _For just see, you brute, you have drunk all my starch!_"




THE GREEN GOOSE.


  Mr. Bogardus "gin a treat,"
  And a green goose, best of birds to eat,
  Delicious, savory, fat and sweet,
  Formed the dish the guests to greet;
      But such, we know,
      Is small for a "blow,"
      And many times around won't go;
  So Mr. Bogardus chanced to reflect,
  And with a wisdom circumspect,
  He sent round cards to parties select,
  Some six or so the goose to dissect,
      The day and hour defining;
  And then he laid in lots of things,
  That might have served as food for kings,
  Liquors drawn from their primal springs,
  And all that grateful comfort brings
      To epicures in dining.

  But Mr. Bogardus's brother Sim,
  With moral qualities rather dim,
  Copied the message sent to him,
      In his most clerkly writing,
  And sent it round to Tom, and Dick,
  And Harry, and Jack, and Frank, and Nick,
  And many more, to the green goose "pick"
      Most earnestly inviting;
  He laid it on the green goose thick,
      Their appetites exciting.

  'Twas dinner time by the Old South Clock;
  Bogardus waited the sounding knock
  Of friends to come at the moment, "chock,"
  To try his goose, his game, his hock,
  And hoped they would not dally;
  When one, and two, and three, and four,
  And running up the scale to a score,
  And adding to it many more,
  Who all their Sunday fixings wore,
  Came in procession to the door,
  And crowded in on his parlor floor,
  Filling him with confusion sore,
  Like an after-election rally!

  "Gentlemen," then murmured he,
  "To what unhoped contingency
  Am I owing for this felicity,
  A visit thus unexpected?"
  Then they held their cards before his eyes,
  And he saw, to his infinite surprise,
  That some sad dog had taken a rise
  On him, and his hungry friends likewise,
      And _whom_ he half suspected;
  But there was Sim,
  Of morals dim,
  With a face as long, and dull, and grim,
      As though _he_ the ire reflected.

  Then forth the big procession went,
  With mirth and anger equally blent;
  To think they didn't get the scent
  Of what the cursed missive meant
      Annoyed some of 'em deeply;
  They felt they'd been caught by a green goose bait,
  And plucked and skinned, and then, light weight,
      Had been sold very cheaply.

MORAL.

  Keep your weather eye peeled for trap,
  For we never know just what may hap,
      Nor if we shall be winners;
  Remembering that one green goose
  Will be of very little use
      'Mongst twenty hungry sinners.




MIGRATORY BONES,[2]

SHOWING THE VAGABONDISH TENDENCY OF BONES THAT ARE LOOSE.


  We all have heard of Dr. Redman,
      The man in New York who deals with dead men,
      Who sits at a table,
      And straightway is able
  To talk with the spirits of those who have fled, man!
      And gentles and ladies
      Located in Hades,
  Through his miraculous mediation,
      Declare how they feel,
      And such things reveal
  As suits their genius for impartation.
  'Tis not with any irreverent spirit
  I give the tale, or flout it, or jeer it;
      For many good folk
      Not subject to joke
  Declare for the fact that they both see and hear it.
      It comes from New York, though,
      And it might be hard work, though,
  To bring belief to any point near it.

      Now this Dr. Redman,
      Who deals with dead men,
  Once cut up a fellow whose spirit had fled, man,
      Who (the fellow) perchance
      Had indulged in that dance
  Performed at the end of a hempen thread, man;
      And the cut-up one,
      (A sort of a gun!)
  Like Banquo, though he was dead, wasn't done,
  Insisted in very positive tones
  That he'd be ground to calcined manure,
      Or any other evil endure,
  Before he'd give up his right to his bones!
  And then, through knocks, the resolute dead man
  Gave his bones a bequest to Redman.
      In Hartford, Conn.,
      This matter was done,
  And Redman the bones highly thought on,
      When, changed to New York
      Was the scene of his work,
  In conjunction with Dr. Orton.

  Now mark the wonder that here appears:
  After a season of months and years,
    Comes up again the dead man,
  Who in a very practical way,
  Says he'll bring his bones some day,
      And give them again to Redman.
      When, sure enough
      (Though some that are rough
      Might call the narrative "devilish tough"),
      One charming day
      In the month of May,
  As Orton and Redman walked the street
      Through the severing air,
      From they knew not where,
      Came a positive bone, all bleached and bare.
  That dropped at the doctor's wondering feet!

      Then the sprightly dead man
      Knocked out to Redman
  The plan that lay in his ghostly head, man:
      He'd carry the freight,
      Unheeding its weight;
  They needn't question how, or about it;
      But they might be sure
      The bones he'd procure
  And not make any great bones about it.
  From that he made it a special point
  Each day for their larder to furnish a joint!

  From overhead, and from all around,
  Upon the floor, and upon the ground,
        Pell-mell,
        Down fell
      Low bones, and high bones,
      Jaw bones, and thigh bones,
  Until the doctors, beneath their power,
  Ducked like ducks in a thunder-shower!
      Armfuls of bones,
      Bagfuls of bones,
      Cartloads of bones,
      No end to the multitudinous bones,
  Until, forsooth, this thought gained head, man,
  That this invisible friend, the dead man,
      Had chartered a band
      From the shadowy land,
      Who had turned to work with a busy hand,
  And boned all their bones for Dr. Redman!

  Now, how to account for all the mystery
  Of this same weird and fantastical history?
      That is the question
      For people's digestion,
  And calls aloud for instant untwistery!
      Of this we are certain,
      By this lift of the curtain,
  That still they're alive for work or enjoyment,
      Though I must confess
      That I scarcely can guess
  Why they don't choose some useful employment.

[Footnote 2: Dr. Redman, of New York, was a noted medium, and it was
said that, for a while, wherever he might be, bones would be dropped
all about him, to the confusion and wonder of everybody. These bones,
he said, were brought him by a spirit, whose bones were of no further
use to him.]




THE RED CHIGNON.

(FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY.)


CHARACTERS.

  MISS PRISCILLA PRECISE, { Principal of a genteel Boarding
                                   { School for Young Ladies.

  HETTY GRAY,   }
  FANNY RICE,   } Pupils.
  LIZZIE BOND,  }
  HANNAH JONES, }
  MRS. LOFTY, a fashionable Lady.

SCENE.--_Parlor in_ MISS PRECISE'S _Establishment._

_Piano_ R., _Lounge_ L., _Chairs_ C.

_Enter_ HETTY, FANNY, _and_ LIZZIE, R., _laughing._

_Hetty._ O, such a fright!

_Fanny._ Such a stupid!

_Lizzie._ I never saw such a ridiculous figure in the whole course of
my life!

_Hetty._ I should think she came from the back-woods.

_Fanny._ Who is she, any way?

_Lizzie._ She's the daughter of the rich Mr. Jones, a man, who, three
years ago, was the proprietor of a very small saw-mill away down east.
He managed to scrape together a little money, which he invested in
certain railroad stocks, which nobody thought would ever pay. They
did, however, and he has, no doubt to his own astonishment, made a
great deal of money.

_Hetty._ And that accounts for Miss Precise's partiality. Well, I'm
not going to associate myself with her; and I mean to write to
father this very day, and tell him to take me home. She dresses so
ridiculously!

_Lizzie._ And talks so horridly!

_Fanny._ And plays so wretchedly!

_Hetty._ O, girls, don't you think I caught her at the piano this
morning playing Yankee Doodle and whistling an accompaniment!

_Fanny._ Whistling!

_Lizzie._ Good gracious! what would Miss Precise say. If there's
anything she forbids, it's whistling.

_Hetty._ Yes, and such a reader! I heard her reciting Longfellow's
Excelsior; and such reading, and such gestures! (_Recites._)

  "The shades of night were falling fast,
  As through an All-pine village past--"

(_All laugh._)

_Fanny._ O, it's ridiculous!

_Lizzie._ And then her dress! O, girls, I've made a discovery!

_Fanny._ What is it? What is it?

_Hetty._ O, do tell us!

_Lizzie._ Well, then, you must be secret.

_Fanny and Hetty._ Of course, of course!

_Lizzie._ Well, yesterday, at just twelve o'clock, I was in the hall;
the door-bell rang; I opened it; there was a box for Miss Hannah
Jones; I took it; I carried it to her room; I opened--

_Fanny and Hetty._ The box?

_Lizzie._ The door; she wasn't there. I put it on the table; it
slipped off; the cover rolled off; and such a sight!

_Fanny._ What was it?

_Hetty._ O, do tell us!

_Lizzie._ Four--great--red--

_Fanny and Hetty._ What? What?

_Lizzie._ Chignons!

_Hetty._ Chignons? Why, Miss Precise has forbidden our wearing them.

_Fanny._ O, it's horrible!

_Lizzie._ Ain't it? And I did want one so bad!

_Hetty._ But she cannot wear them.

_Lizzie._ We shall see! Now comes Miss Precise's trial. She has taken
Hannah Jones because her father is rich. She worships money; but if
there is anything she hates, it is chignons. If she can stand this
test, it will be the best thing in the world for us. Then we'll all
have them.

_Hetty._ Of course we will.

_Fanny._ But I don't like the idea of having such an interloper here.
She's no company for us.

_Enter_ MISS PRECISE, L. _She stands behind the Girls with folded
arms._

_Hetty._ Indeed she isn't! I think Miss Precise is real mean to allow
her to stay.

_Lizzie._ She'd better go where she belongs,--among the barbarians!

_Miss Precise._ And pray, whom are you consigning to a place among the
barbarians, young ladies?

_Hetty._ Good gracious!

_Fanny._ O, dear! O, dear!

_Lizzie._ O, who'd have thought!

(_They separate_, HETTY _and_ FANNY, L., LIZZIE, R., MISS PRECISE, C.)

_Miss P._ Speak, young ladies; upon whom has your dread anathema been
bestowed?

_Lizzie._ Well, Miss Precise, if I must tell, it's that hateful new
pupil, Miss Jones. I detest her.

_Fanny._ I can't abide her.

_Hetty._ She's horrible!

_Lizzie._ So awkward!

_Fanny._ Talks so badly!

_Hetty._ And dresses so ridiculously!

_Lizzie._ If she stays here, I shan't!

_Fanny._ Nor I.

_Hetty._ Nor I.

_Miss P._ Young ladies, are you pupils of the finest finishing-school
in the city? Are you being nursed at the fount of learning? Are you
being led in the paths of literature by my fostering hands?

_Lizzie._ Don't know. S'pose so.

_Miss P._ S'pose so! What language! S'pose so! Is this the fruit of
my teaching? Young ladies, I blush for you!--you, who should be the
patterns of propriety! Let me hear no more of this. Miss Jones is
the daughter of one of the richest men in the city, and, as such, she
should be respected by you.

_Lizzie._ She's a low, ignorant girl.

_Miss P._ Miss Bond!

_Hetty._ With arms like a windmill.

_Miss P._ Miss Gray!

_Fanny._ A voice like a peacock.

_Miss P._ Miss Rice!

_Hetty, Lizzie, and Fanny._ O, she's awful!

_Miss P._ Young ladies! I'm astonished! I'm shocked! I'm
thunderstruck! Miss Jones is my pupil. She is your associate. As such,
you will respect her. Let me hear no more of this. Go to your
studies. I highly respect Miss Jones. Imitate her. She's not given to
conspiracies. She's not forever gossiping. Be like her, and you will
deserve my respect. To your studies. Miss Jones is a model for your
imitation. [_Exit_, L.

_Hetty._ Did you ever!

_Fanny._ No, I never!

_Lizzie._ A model for imitation! Girls, we'll have some fun out
of this. Imitate Miss Jones! I only hope she'll put on one of her
chignons. [_Exeunt._

_Enter_ HANNAH JONES, R., _extravagantly dressed, with a red chignon,
followed by_ MRS. LOFTY.

_Hannah._ Come right in, marm; this is our setting-room, where we
receive callers. Take a seat.

(MRS. LOFTY _sits on lounge_.)

_Mrs. Lofty._ Will you please call your mistress at once?

_Hannah._ My mistress? Law, neow, I s'pose yeou take me for a hired
gal. Yeou make me laugh! Why, my pa's richer than all the rest of
'em's pas put together. I deon't look quite so scrumptious as the rest
o 'em, p'r'aps, but I'm one of the scholars here.

_Mrs. L._ I beg your pardon. No offence was intended.

_Hannah._ Law, I don't mind it. Yeou see our folks come from deown
east, and we haven't quite got the hang of rich folks yit. That's why
I'm here to git polished up. Miss Precise is the schoolmarm, but she's
so stiff, I don't expect she'll make much of me. I do hate airs. She
makes the girls tend tu door, because she's too poor to keep help.

_Mrs. L._ Will you please speak to her? I have not much time to spare,
as this is my charity day.

_Hannah._ Charity day! Pray, what's that?

_Mrs. L._ I devote one day in the week to visiting poor people, and
doing what I can to alleviate their misfortunes.

_Hannah._ Well, marm, that's real clever in you. I do like to see rich
folks look arter the poor ones. Won't you please to let me help you?
I don't know the way among the poor yit, but I'm going to find out.
Here's my pocket-book; there's lots uv money in it; and if you'll
take and use it for the poor folks, I'll be obleeged. (_Gives
pocket-book._)

_Mrs. L._ O, thank you, thank you! you are very kind; I will use it,
for I know just where it is needed. Can you really spare it?

_Hannah._ Spare it? Of course I can. I know where to git lots more;
and my pa says, 'What's the use of having money, if you don't do good
with it?' Law, I forgot all about Miss Precise. You just make yourself
to home, and I'll call her. [_Exit_, L.

_Mrs. L._ A rough diamond. She has a kind heart. I hope she'll not be
spoiled in the hands of Miss Precise. (_Opens pocket-book._) What a
roll of bills! I must speak to Miss Precise before I use her money.
She may not be at liberty to dispose of it in this wholesale manner.

_Enter_ MISS PRECISE, L.

_Miss P._ My dear Mrs. Lofty, I hope I have not kept you waiting.
(_Shakes hands with her, then sits in chair_, C.)

_Mrs. L._ O, no; though I'm in something of a hurry. I called to ask
you if you could take my daughter as a pupil.

_Miss P._ Well, I am rather full just now; and the duties of
instructor are so arduous, and I am so feeble in health----

_Mrs. L._ O, don't let me add to your trials. I will look elsewhere.

_Miss P._ No, no; you did not hear me out. I was going to say I have
decided to take but one more pupil.

_Mrs. L._ What are the studies?

_Miss P._ English branches, French, Italian, German, and Spanish
languages, and music; all taught under my personal supervision.

_Mrs. L._ Quite an array of studies; almost too much for one teacher.

_Miss P._ Ah, Mrs. Lofty, the mind--the mind is capable of great
expansion; and to one gifted with the power to lead the young in the
flowery paths of learning, no toil is too difficult. My school is
select, refined; nothing rough or improper is allowed to mingle with
the high-toned elements with which I endeavour to form a fashionable
education.

_Mrs. L._ I should like to see some of your pupils.

_Miss P._ O, certainly. You will take them unawares; but I flatter
myself you will not find them unprepared. (_Strikes bell on piano._)

_Enter_ FANNY, _dressed as before, but with large, red chignon on her
head._

_Miss P._ This is Miss Fanny Rice. Mrs. Lofty, Fanny. There you see
one of my pupils who has an exquisite touch for the piano, a refined,
delicate appreciation of the sweetest strains of the great masters.
Fanny, my dear, take your place at the piano, and play one of those
pieces which you know I most admire. (FANNY _sits at piano, plays
Yankee Doodle, whistling an accompaniment._) What does this mean?
(_Turns and looks at_ FANNY, _starts, puts her eye-glass to her
eye.--Aside._) Heavens! that child has one of those horrible chignons
on her head!--(_Aloud._) Miss Rice, why did you make that selection?

_Fanny._ (_Imitates_ HANNAH'S _manner of speaking._) Cos I thought
you'd like it.

_Miss P._ "Cos?" O, I shall die! And why did you think I should like
it?

_Fanny._ Cos that's the way Hannah Jones does.

_Miss P._ Send Miss Gray to me. (_Follows_ FANNY _to door._) And take
that flaming turban off your head. I'll pay you for this!
[_Exit_ FANNY, L.

_Mrs. L._ Your pupil is exceedingly patriotic in her selection.

_Miss P._ Yes; there's some mistake here. She's evidently not on her
good behaviour.

_Enter_ HETTY GRAY, L., _with red chignon._

Ah, here's Miss Gray. Mrs. Lofty, Miss Gray. She has a sweet voice,
and sings sentimental songs in a bewitching manner. Miss Gray, take
your place at the piano, and sing one of my favourites.

(HETTY _sits at piano, plays and sings._)

  "Father and I went down to camp
    Along with Captain Goodin,
  And there we saw the boys and girls
    As thick as hasty-puddin."

_Miss P._ Stop! (_Looks at her through eye-glass._) She's got one of
those hateful things on too,--chignons! Is there a conspiracy? Miss
Gray, who taught you that song?

_Hetty._ Miss Hannah Jones, if you please.

_Miss P._ Go back to your studies, and send Miss Bond to me. (_Takes
her by the ear, and leads her to the door._)

_Hetty._ Ow! you hurt!

_Miss P._ Silence, miss! Take off that horrid head-dress at once.

[_Exit_, HETTY, L.

Mrs. Lofty, how can I find words to express
my indignation at the conduct of my pupils? I assure you, this is
something out of the common course.

_Enter_ LIZZIE, L., _with red chignon._

Here is one of my smartest pupils, Miss Bond. Mrs. Lofty, Miss Bond.
She particularly excels in reading. Miss Bond, take a book from the
piano and read, something sweet and pathetic! something that you think
would suit me.

LIZZIE _takes a position_, L., _opens book, and reads, in imitation
of_ HANNAH'S _voice._

_Lizzie._

  What is it that salutes the light,
  Making the heads of mortals bright,
  And proves attractive to the sight?
        My chignon.

_Miss P._ Good gracious! is the girl mad?

_Lizzie._

  What moves the heart of Miss Precise
  To throw aside all prejudice,
  And gently whisper, It is nice?
        My chignon!

_Miss P._ Chignon, indeed! Who taught you to read in that manner?

_Lizzie._ Hannah Jones.

_Miss P._ O, this is too bad! You, too, with one of these horrid
things on your head? (_Snatches it off, and beats her on head with
it._) Back to your room! You shall suffer for this! [_Exit_ LIZZIE, L.

_Mrs. L._ Excuse me, Miss Precise, but your pupils all wear red
chignons. Pray, is this a uniform you have adopted in your school?

_Miss P._ O, Mrs. Lofty, I'm dying with mortification! Chignons! I
detest them; and my positive orders to my pupils are, never to wear
them in the house.

_Hannah._ (_Outside_, L.) Wal, we'll see what Miss Precise will say to
this.

_Enters with a red chignon in each hand, followed by_ LIZZIE, HETTY,
_and_ FANNY.

_Miss P._ Good gracious! More of these horrid things!

_Hannah._ Miss Precise, jest look at them! Here these pesky girls have
been rummaging my boxes, and putting on my best chignons that pa sent
me only yesterday. Look at them! They're teetotally ruined!

_Miss P._ Why, Miss Jones, you've got one on your head now!

_Hannah._ Of course I have. Have you got anything to say against it?

_Miss P._ O, no; only it don't match your hair.

_Hannah._ What of that? Pa always goes for the bright colours, and so
do I.

_Lizzie._ Miss Precise, I thought pupils were forbidden to wear them.

_Miss P._ Well, yes--no--I must make exceptions. Miss Jones has
permission to wear them.

_Lizzie._ Then I want permission.

_Hetty._ And so do I.

_Fanny._ And so do I.

_Miss P._ First tell me what is the meaning of this scene we have just
had.

_Lizzie._ Scene? Why, didn't you tell us to take Miss Jones as a model
for imitation? Haven't we done it?

_Miss P._ But Miss Jones doesn't whistle.

_Hannah._ Whistle? I bet I can. Want to hear me?

_Miss P._ No. She don't sing comic songs.

_Hannah._ Yes, she does.

_Lizzie._ Yes, and she wears chignons. As we must imitate her, and
hadn't any of our own, we appropriated hers.

_Miss P._ Shame, shame! What will Mrs. Lofty say?

_Mrs. L._ That she rather enjoyed it. I saw mischief in their eyes as
they came in. And now, girls, I'm going to tell you what Miss Jones
does that you _don't_ know. A short time ago she placed in my hands
her pocket-book, containing a large roll of bills, to be distributed
among the poor.

_Lizzie._ Why, isn't she splendid?

_Hetty._ Why, she's "mag."

_Fanny._ O, you dear old Hannah. (_Kisses her._)

_Mrs. L._ I'm going to send my daughter here to school, and I shall
tell her to make all the friends she can; but her first friend must be
Hannah Jones.

_Hannah._ Well, I'm sure, I'm obleeged to you.

_Lizzie._ O, Miss Precise, we are so sorry we have acted so! Let
us try again, and show Mrs. Lofty that we have benefited by your
instruction.

_Miss P._ Not now. If Mrs. Lofty will call again, we will try to
entertain her. I see I was in the wrong to give you such general
directions. I say now, imitate Hannah Jones--her warm heart, her
generous hand.

_Mrs. L._ And help her, by your friendship, to acquire the knowledge
which Miss Precise so ably dispenses.

_Lizzie._ We will, we will.

_Miss P._ Only, ladies, avoid whistling.

_Hetty._ Of course, of course.

_Miss P._ And comic songs!

_Fanny._ O, certainly.

_Lizzie._ And there is one more thing we shall be sure to avoid.

_Miss P._ What is that?

_Lizzie._ The wearing of red chignons.

[_Exeunt._




THE KNIFE-GRINDER.

GEORGE CANNING.

FRIEND OF HUMANITY.

  Needy Knife-grinder! whither are you going?
  Rough is the road,--your wheel is out of order,--
  Bleak blows the blast; your hat has got a hole in 't,
                          So have your breeches!

  Weary Knife-grinder! little think the proud ones,
  Who in their coaches roll along the turnpike-
  Road, what hard work 't is crying all day 'Knives and
                          Scissors to grind O!

  Tell me, Knife-grinder, how you came to grind knives?
  Did some rich man tyrannically use you?
  Was it the squire? or parson of the parish?
                          Or the attorney?

  Was it the squire, for killing of his game? or
  Covetous parson, for his tithes distraining?
  Or roguish lawyer, made you lose your little
                          All in a lawsuit?

  (Have you not read the Rights of Man, by Tom Paine?)
  Drops of compassion tremble on my eyelids,
  Ready to fall as soon as you have told your
                          Pitiful story.



KNIFE-GRINDER.

  Story! God bless you! I have none to tell, sir,
  Only last night, a drinking at the Chequers,
  This poor old hat and breeches, as you see, were
                          Torn in a scuffle.

  Constables came up for to take me into
  Custody; they took me before the justice;
  Justice Oldmixon put me in the parish-
                          Stocks for a vagrant.

  I should be glad to drink your Honor's health in
  A pot of beer, if you will give me sixpence;
  But for my part, I never love to meddle
                          With politics, sir.


FRIEND OF HUMANITY.

  I give thee sixpence! I will see thee hang'd first,--
  Wretch! whom no sense of wrongs can rouse to vengeance--
  Sordid, unfeeling, reprobate, degraded,
                          Spiritless outcast!

[Kicks the Knife-grinder, overturns his wheel, and exit in a transport
of enthusiasm and universal philanthropy.]




PREACHING TO THE POOR.


    Father Taylor once said, "'Tis of no use to preach to empty
    stomachs."

  The parson preached in solemn way,
  --A well-clad man on ample pay,--
  And told the poor they were sinners all,
  Depraved and lost by Adam's fall;
  That they must repent, and save their souls.
  A hollow-eyed wretch cried, "_Give us coals!_"

  Then he told of virtue's pleasant path,
  And that of ruin and of wrath;
  How the slipping feet of sinners fell
  Quick on the downward road to h----,
  To suffer for sins when they are dead;
  And the hollow voice answered, "_Give us bread!_"

  Then he spoke of a land of love and peace,
  Where all of pain and woe shall cease,
  Where celestial flowers bloom by the way,
  Where the light is brighter than solar day,
  And there's no cold nor hunger there.
  "Oh," says the voice, "_Give us clothes to wear!_"

  Then the good man sighed, and turned away,
  For such depravity to pray,
  That had cast aside the heavenly worth
  For the transient and fleeting things of earth!
  And his church that night, to his content,
  Raised his salary fifty per cent.




THE PAUPER'S DEATH-BED.

BY C.B. SOUTHEY.

  Tread softly--bow the head;
    In reverent silence bow;
  No passing bell doth toll,
  Yet an immortal soul
    Is passing now.

  Stranger! however great,
    With lowly reverence bow;
  There's one in that poor shed,
  One by that paltry bed,
    Greater than thou.

  Beneath that beggar's roof,
    Lo! Death doth keep his state;
  Enter--no crowds attend;
  Enter--no guards defend
    This palace gate.

  That pavement, damp and cold,
    No smiling courtiers tread;
  One silent woman stands,
  Lifting with meagre hands
    A dying head.

  No mingling voices sound--
    An infant wail alone:
  A sob suppressed--again
  That short, deep gasp, and then
    The parting groan.

  Oh! change!--Oh! wondrous change!--
    Burst are the prison bars--
  This moment there, so low,
  So agonized, and now
    Beyond the stars!

  Oh! change--stupendous change!
    There lies the soulless clod!
  The sun eternal breaks--
  The new immortal wakes
    Wakes with his God!




A HORSE-CAR INCIDENT.


No matter what horse-car, but it happened that I had to go a mile or
two, and held up my cane to attract the attention of the driver or
the conductor of one of them, which I did, after some difficulty. I
am bound to say it was not on the Touchandgo road, for the officers
employed there have an instinctive knowledge whether a man wishes to
ride or not, and indeed often by the magic of the upraised finger they
draw people in to ride who had hardly any previous intention of it. I
have been attracted in this way, and found myself to my astonishment,
seated in the car, confident that I had signified no disposition to do
so. In this instance, however, I would ride, and got in.

There were the usual passengers in the car--the respectable people
going out of town, who were reading the last editions of the papers,
the women who had been shopping, the servant girls who had been in
to visit their friends, feeling no interest in one another, and all
absorbed in their own reflections, as I was. I was thinking seriously,
when--my eye was attracted by some glittering object on the floor,
beneath the opposite seat.

Of course everybody is attracted by glitter. A piece of glass in the
moonlight may be a diamond, and show is far ahead of substance in
influencing men, from the illusion which affects short-sighted vision.
Thus this glittering object. What was it?--a diamond pin dropped by a
former passenger? No, it could not be this, because it appeared to be
round, and bigger than a pin stone could be. Could it be a bracelet?
No, for it was too small. I directed my gaze more earnestly towards it
in my doubt, and saw that it was a QUARTER, bright and sparkling with
the freshness of new mint about it, so it seemed.

This I determined to make mine at the first chance, for a woman was
sitting very near it, and I dreaded any confusion I might cause, by a
sudden plunge, through the motion of the cars; so, whistling at a
low breath, as if indifferent, but keeping my eye upon the prize,
I awaited the opportunity that should insure me the coveted
one-and-sixpence. It soon came: the bell rang, and the lady opposite,
with her arms full of bundles, walked out, leaving the object of my
ardent regard more distinctly in view. It seemed to me that every one
in the car had an eye on that quarter, which I felt was mine by right
of discovery, and which I was determined to have.

As the coach started I rose and fairly tumbled over into the
just-vacated seat, taking care to drop in such a way as to screen the
glittering bait. I looked at my fellow-passengers, and found that
all were staring at me, as though they were reading my secret. The
conductor had come inside the door, and was looking at me, and a heavy
gentleman on the same seat with me leaned far out on his cane, so that
he could take in my whole person with his glance, as though I were a
piece of property on which he had to estimate. I felt my face burn,
and a general discomfort seized me, as a man sometimes feels when he
has done a wrong or a foolish act; though I couldn't think the act I
was about to perform was wrong, and no one could say it was foolish
in one to try to get a quarter of a dollar in this day of postal
currency. At length I stooped down as if to adjust something about my
boot, and slipped the object of my solicitude into my hand, unseen, as
I believed.

"What is it?" asked the conductor.

"What's what?" said I, with affected smartness.

"What you just found," he persisted.

"I was pulling my pants down over my boot," I prevaricated.

"That's all humbug," said he; "you found something in the car, and it
belongs to the company."

"Prove that I found any thing," said I, angrily.

"Young man," said the voice of the big man who was leaning on his
cane, still looking at me, "it is as bad to lie about a thing as it is
to steal. I saw you pick something up, and to me it had the appearance
of money." He struck his cane on the floor as he spoke, and grasped it
firmer, as if to clinch his remark.

"Yes," said the conductor; "and we don't want nothing of the kind
here, and what's more, we won't have it; so hand over."

"My fine fellow," said I, prepared for a crisis, "I know my rights,
and, without admitting that I have found any thing, I contend that if
I had, in this public conveyance, which is as public as the street to
him who pays for a ride in it, that which I find in it is mine after I
have made due endeavour to find out its owner. Money being an article
impossible to identify, unless it is marked, if I had found it, it
would have been mine--according to Whately, Lycurgus, and Jew Moses."

"Hang your authorities," said he; "I don't know any thing about 'em,
but this I know,--that money belongs to the Touchandgo Horse Railroad
Company, and I'll have it. Ain't I right, Mr. Diggs?" addressing a
gentleman with glasses on, reading the Journal.

"I think you are," replied he, looking at me over the top of his
spectacles, as though he were shooting from behind a breastwork;
"I think the pint is clear, and that it belongs to the company to
advertise it and find out the owner."

"Well," I put in, "suppose they don't find the owner; who has it?"

"The company, I should think," said he, folding his paper preparatory
to getting out.

"That's it," said the conductor, taking up the thread as he put the
passenger down; "and now I want that money." He looked ugly.

"What money?" I queried.

"The money you picked up on the floor."

I saw that I was in a place of considerable difficulty, involving a
row on one side and imputation of villany on the other, and studied
how to escape.

"Well," said I, "if, in spite of the authorities I have quoted, you
insist upon my giving this up which I hold in my hand,--the value of
which I do not know,--I shall protest against your act, and hold the
company responsible."

"Responsible be----blowed," replied he, severely; "shell out."

The people in the car were much excited. The fat man on the seat had
risen up, though still in sitting position, and balanced himself upon
his toes to get a better view. I unclosed my hand and deposited in
the conductor's a round piece of tin that had been punched out by some
tin-man and hammered smooth bearing a close resemblance to money!

The disappointment of every one was intense. The conductor intimated
that if he met me in society he would give me my money's worth, the
fat man muttered something about my being an "imposture," several lady
passengers looked bluely at me, and only one laughed heartily at the
whole affair, as I did. It was a queer incident.




SOCRATES SNOOKS.


  Mister Socrates Snooks, a lord of creation,
  The second time entered the married relation:
  Xantippe Caloric accepted his hand,
  And they thought him the happiest man in the land,
  But scarce had the honeymoon passed o'er his head,
  When, one morning, to Xantippe, Socrates said,
  "I think, for a man of my standing in life,
  This house is too small, as I now have a wife:
  So, as early as possible, carpenter Carey
  Shall be sent for to widen my house and my dairy."

  "Now, Socrates, dearest," Xantippe replied,
  "I hate to hear every thing vulgarly _my'd_;
  Now, whenever you speak of your chattels again,
  Say, _our_ cow house, _our_ barn yard, _our_ pig pen."
  "By your leave, Mrs. Snooks, I will say what I please
  Of _my_ houses, _my_ lands, _my_ gardens, _my_ trees."
  "Say _our_," Xantippe exclaimed in a rage.
  "I won't, Mrs. Snooks, though you ask it an age!"

  Oh, woman! though only a part of man's rib,
  If the story in Genesis don't tell a fib,
  Should your naughty companion e'er quarrel with you,
  You are certain to prove the best man of the two.
  In the following case this was certainly true;
  For the lovely Xantippe just pulled off her shoe,
  And laying about her, all sides at random,
  The adage was verified--"Nil desperandum."

  Mister Socrates Snooks, after trying in vain,
  To ward off the blows which descended like rain--
  Concluding that valour's best part was discretion--
  Crept under the bed like a terrified Hessian:
  But the dauntless Xantippe, not one whit afraid,
  Converted the siege into a blockade.

  At last, after reasoning the thing in his pate,
  He concluded 't was useless to strive against fate:
  And so, like a tortoise protruding his head,
  Said, "My dear, may we come out from under _our_ bed?"
  "Hah! hah!" she exclaimed, "Mr. Socrates Snooks,
  I perceive you agree to my terms by your looks:
  Now, Socrates--hear me--from this happy hour,
  If you'll only obey me, I'll never look sour."
  'T is said the next Sabbath, ere going to church,
  He chanced for a clean pair of trousers to search:
  Having found them, he asked, with a few nervous twitches,
  "My dear, may we put on our new Sunday breeches?"




PAUL REVERE'S RIDE.

H.W. LONGFELLOW.


  Listen, my children, and you shall hear
  Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
  On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-Five:
  Hardly a man is now alive
  Who remembers that famous day and year.

  He said to his friend--"If the British march
  By land or sea from the town to-night,
  Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch
  Of the North-Church tower, as a signal-light--
  One if by land, and two if by sea;
  And I on the opposite shore will be,
  Ready to ride and spread the alarm
  Through every Middlesex village and farm,
  For the country-folk to be up and to arm."

  Then he said good-night, and with muffled oar
  Silently rowed to the Charlestown shore,
  Just as the moon rose over the bay,
  Where swinging wide at her moorings lay
  The Somerset, British man-of-war:
  A phantom ship, with each mast and spar
  Across the moon, like a prison-bar,
  And a huge, black hulk, that was magnified
  By its own reflection in the tide.

  Meanwhile, his friend, through alley and street
  Wanders and watches with eager ears,
  Till in the silence around him he hears
  The muster of men at the barrack-door,
  The sound of arms and the tramp of feet,
  And the measured tread of the grenadiers
  Marching down to their boats on the shore.

  Then he climbed to the tower of the church,
  Up the wooden stairs, with stealthy tread,
  To the belfry-chamber overhead,
  And startled the pigeons from their perch
  On the sombre rafters, that round him made
  Masses and moving shapes of shade--
  Up the light ladder, slender and tall,
  To the highest window in the wall,
  Where he paused to listen and look down
  A moment on the roofs of the quiet town,
  And the moonlight flowing over all.

  Beneath, in the church-yard, lay the dead
  In their night-encampment on the hill,
  Wrapped in silence so deep and still,
  That he could hear, like a sentinel's tread
  The watchful night-wind as it went
  Creeping along from tent to tent,
  And seeming to whisper, "All is well!"
  A moment only he feels the spell
  Of the place and the hour, the secret dread
  Of the lonely belfry and the dead;
  For suddenly all his thoughts are bent
  On a shadowy something far away,
  Where the river widens to meet the bay--
  A line of black, that bends and floats
  On the rising tide, like a bridge of boats.

  Meanwhile, impatient to mount and ride,
  Booted and spurred, with a heavy stride,
  On the opposite shore waited Paul Revere.
  Now he patted his horse's side,
  Now gazed on the landscape far and near,
  Then impetuous stamped the earth,
  And turned and tightened his saddle-girth;
  But mostly he watched with eager search
  The belfry-tower of the old North-Church,
  As it rose above the graves on the hill,
  Lonely, and spectral, and sombre, and still.

  And lo! as he looks, on the belfry's height,
  A glimmer, and then a gleam of light!
  He springs to the saddle, the bridle he turns,
  But lingers and gazes, till full on his sight
  A second lamp in the belfry burns!

  A hurry of hoofs in a village-street,
  A shape in the moonlight, a bulk in the dark,
  And beneath from the pebbles, in passing, a spark
  Struck out by a steed that flies fearless and fleet:
  That was all! And yet, through the gloom and the light,
  The fate of a nation was riding that night;
  And the spark struck out by that steed, in his flight,
  Kindled the land into flame with its heat.

  It was twelve by the village-clock,
  When he crossed the bridge into Medford town,
  He heard the crowing of the cock,
  And the barking of the farmer's dog,
  And felt the damp of the river-fog,
  That rises when the sun goes down.

  It was one by the village-clock,
  When he rode into Lexington.
  He saw the gilded weathercock
  Swim in the moonlight as he passed,
  And the meeting-house windows, blank and bare,
  Gazed at him with a spectral glare,
  As if they already stood aghast
  At the bloody work they would look upon.

  It was two by the village-clock,
  When he came to the bridge in Concord town.
  He heard the bleating of the flock,
  And the twitter of birds among the trees,
  And felt the breath of the morning-breeze
  Blowing over the meadows brown,
  And one was safe and asleep in his bed
  Who at the bridge would be first to fall,
  Who that day would be lying dead,
  Pierced by a British musket-ball.

  You know the rest. In the books you have read
  How the British regulars fired and fled--
  How the farmers gave them ball for ball,
  From behind each fence and farmyard-wall,
  Chasing the red-coats down the lane,
  Then crossing the fields to emerge again
  Under the trees at the turn of the road,
  And only pausing to fire and load.

  So through the night rode Paul Revere;
  And so through the night went his cry of alarm
  To every Middlesex village and farm--
  A cry of defiance, and not of fear--
  A voice in the darkness, a knock at the door,
  And a word that shall echo for evermore!
  For, borne on the night-wind of the Past,
  Through all our history, to the last,
  In the hour of darkness, and peril, and need,
  The people will waken and listen to hear
  The hurrying hoof-beat of that steed.
  And the midnight-message of Paul Revere.




A PLEASURE EXERTION.

MARIETTA HOLLEY.

    This humorous sketch is taken from a work entitled "My
    Opinions and Betsey Bobbet's."


They have been havin' pleasure exertions all summer here to
Jonesville. Every week a'most they would go off on a exertion after
pleasure, and Josiah was all up in end to go too.

That man is a well-principled man as I ever see; but if he had his
head he would be worse than any young man I ever see to foller up
pic-nics, and 4th of Julys, and camp meetin's, and all pleasure
exertions. But I don't encourage him in it. I have said to him, time
and agin, "There is a time for everything, Josiah Allen, and after
anybody has lost all their teeth, and every mite of hair on the top of
their head, it is time for 'em to stop goin' to pleasure exertions."

But, good land! I might jest as well talk to the wind. If that man
should get to be as old as Mr. Methusler, and be a goin' a thousand
years old, he would prick up his ears if he should hear of an
exertion. All summer long that man has beset me to go to 'em, for he
wouldn't go without me. Old Bunker Hill himself hain't any sounder in
principle than Josiah Allen, and I have had to work head-work to make
excuses, and quell him down. But, last week, the old folks was goin'
to have one out on the lake, on an island, and that man sot his foot
down that go he would.

We was to the breakfast-table, a talkin' it over, and says I, "I
shan't go, for I am afraid of big water any way."

Says Josiah, "You are jest as liable to be killed in one place as
another."

Says I, with a almost frigid air, as I passed him his coffee, "Mebby I
shall be drownded on dry land, Josiah Allen; but I don't believe it."

Says he, in a complainin' tone, "I can't get you started onto a
exertion for pleasure any way."

Says I, in a almost eloquent way, "I don't believe in makin' such
exertions after pleasure. I don't believe in chasin' of her up." Says
I, "Let her come of her own free will." Says I, "You can't catch her
by chasin' of her up, no more than you can fetch a shower up, in
a drewth, by goin' out doors, and running after a cloud up in the
heavens above you. Sit down, and be patient; and when it gets ready,
the refreshin' rain-drops will begin to fall without none of your
help. And it is jest so with pleasure, Josiah Allen; you may chase her
up over all the ocians and big mountains of the earth, and she will
keep ahead of you all the time; but set down, and not fatigue yourself
a thinkin' about her, and like as not she will come right into your
house, unbeknown to you."

"Wal," says he, "I guess I'll have another griddlecake, Samantha." And
as he took it, and poured the maple syrup over it, he added, gently
but firmly, "I shall go, Samantha, to this exertion, and I should be
glad to have you present at it, because it seems jest, to me, as if I
should fall overboard durin' the day."

Men are deep. Now that man knew that no amount of religious preachin'
could stir me up like that one speech. For though I hain't no hand to
coo, and don't encourage him in bein' spoony at all, he knows that I
am wrapped almost completely up in him. I went.

We had got to start about the middle of the night, for the lake was
fifteen miles from Jonesville, and the old horse bein' so slow, we had
got to start a hour or two ahead of the rest. I told Josiah that I had
jest as lives set up all night, as to be routed out at two o'clock.
But he was so animated and happy at the idee of goin' that he looked
on the bright side of everything, and he said that we would go to bed
before dark, and get as much sleep as we commonly did! So we went to
bed, the sun an hour high. But we hadn't more'n got settled down into
the bed, when we heard a buggy and a single wagon stop to the gate,
and I got up and peeked through the window, and I see it was visitors
come to spend the evenin'--Elder Wesley Minkly and his family, and
Deacon Dobbins' folks. Josiah vowed that he wouldn't stir one step out
of that bed that night. But I argued with him pretty sharp, while I
was throwin' on my clothes, and I finally got him started up. I hain't
deceitful, but I thought, if I got my clothes all on before they came
in, I wouldn't tell 'em that I had been to bed that time of day. And I
did get all dressed up, even to my handkerchief pin. And I guess they
had been there as much as ten minutes before I thought that I hadn't
took my night-cap off. They looked dretful curious at me, and I felt
awful meachin'. But I jest ketched it off, and never said nothin'. But
when Josiah came out of the bedroom, with what little hair he has got
standin' out in every direction, no two hairs a layin' the same way,
I up and told 'em. I thought mebby they wouldn't stay long. But Deacon
Dobbins' folks seemed to be all waked up on the subject of religion,
and they proposed we should turn it into a kind of a conference
meetin'; so they never went home till after ten o'clock.

It was most eleven o'clock when Josiah and me got to bed agin. And
then jest as I was gettin' into a drowse, I heard the cat in the
buttery, and I got up to let her out. And that rousted Josiah up, and
he thought he heard the cattle in the garden, and he got up and went
out. And there we was a marchin' round most all night. And if we would
get into a nap, Josiah would think it was mornin', and he would start
up and go out to look at the clock. I lost myself once, for I dreampt
that Josiah was a droundin', and Deacon Dobbins was on the shore a
prayin' for him. It started me so, that I jest ketched hold of Josiah
and hollered. It skairt him awfully, and says he, "What does ail
you, Samantha? I hain't been asleep before to-night, and now you have
rousted me up for good. I wonder what time it is?" And then he got out
of bed again, and went out and looked at the clock. It was half-past
one, and he said "he didn't believe we had better go to sleep again
for fear we would be too late for the exertion, and he wouldn't miss
that for nothin'."

"Exertion," says I, in a awful cold tone; "I should think we had had
exertion enough for one spell."

But I got up at 2 o'clock, and made a cup of tea as strong as I could,
for we both felt beat out, worse than if we had watched in sickness.

But, as bad and wore out as Josiah felt bodily, he was all animated
in his mind about what a good time he was a goin' to have. He acted
foolish, and I told him so. I wanted to wear my brown and black
gingham, and a shaker; but Josiah insisted that I should wear a new
lawn dress that he had brought me home as a present, and I had got
just made up. So, jest to please him, I put it on, and my best bonnet.
And that man, all I could do and say, would wear a pair of pantaloons
I had been a makin' for Thomas Jefferson. They was gettin' up a
military company in Thomas J.'s school, and these pantaloons was white
with a blue stripe down the sides, a kind of uniform. Josiah took a
awful fancy to 'em; and, says he,

"I will wear 'em, Samantha; they look so dressy."

Says I, "They hain't hardly done. I was goin' to stitch that blue
stripe on the left leg on again. They haint finished as they ought to
be, and I would not wear 'em. It looks vain in you."

Says he, "I will wear 'em, Samantha. I will be dressed up for once."

I didn't contend with him. Thinks I, we are makin' fools of ourselves
by goin' at all, and if he wants to make a little bigger fool of
himself, I won't stand in his light. And then I had got some machine
oil onto 'em, so I felt that I had got to wash 'em any way, before
Thomas J. took 'em to school. So he put 'em on.

I had good vittles, and a sight of 'em. The basket wouldn't hold 'em
all. So Josiah had to put a bottle of red rhaspberry jell into the
pocket of his dress coat, and lots of other little things, such as
spoons, and knives, and forks, in his pantaloons and breast pockets.
He looked like Captain Kidd, armed up to the teeth, and I told him so.
But, good land, he would have carried a knife in his mouth if I had
asked him, he felt so neat about goin', and boasted so, on what a
splendid exertion it was going to be.

We got to the lake about eight o'clock, being about the first ones
there; but they kep' a comin', and before 10 o'clock we all got
there. There was about 20 old fools of us, when we got all collected
together. And about 10 o'clock we sot sail for the island. Josiah
havin' felt so animated and tickled about the exertion, was worked up
awfully when, just after we had got well out onto the lake, the wind
took his hat off and blew it away. He had made up his mind to look so
pretty that day, and be so dressed up, that it worked him up awfully.
And then the sun beat down onto him: and if he had had any hair onto
his head it would have seemed more shady. But I did the best I could
by him; I stood by him, and pinned on his red bandanna handkerchief
onto his head. But as I was a fixin' it on, I see there was something
more than mortification that ailed him. The lake was rough, and the
boat rocked, and I see he was beginning to be awful sick. He looked
deathly. Pretty soon I felt bad too. Oh, the wretchedness of that
time! I have enjoyed poor health considerable in my life, but never
did I enjoy so much sickness, in so short a time, as I did on that
pleasure exertion to the island. I suppose our bein' up all night
a'most made it worse. When we reached the island we was both weak as
cats.

I set right down on a stun, and held my head for a spell, for it did
seem as if it would split open. After awhile I staggered up onto my
feet, and finally I got so I could walk straight, and sense things a
little. Then I began to take the things out of my dinner basket. The
butter had all melted, so we had to dip it out with a spoon. And a lot
of water had swashed over the side of the boat, so my pies, and tarts,
and delicate cake, and cookies, looked awful mixed up, but no worse
than the rest of the company's did. But we did the best we could, and
begun to make preparations to eat, for the man that owned the boat
said he knew it would rain before night, by the way the sun scalded.
There wasn't a man or a woman there but what the perspiration jest
poured down their faces. We was a haggered and melancholy lookin' set.
There was a piece of woods a little ways off, but it was up quite a
rise of ground, and there wasn't one of us but what had the rheumatiz,
more or less. We made up a fire on the sand, though it seemed as if it
was hot enough to steep the tea and coffee as it was.

After we got the fire started, I histed a umberell, and sat down under
it, and fanned myself hard, for I was afraid of a sunstroke.

Wal, I guess I had sat there ten minutes or more, when all of a sudden
I thought, Where is Josiah? I hadn't seen him since we had got there.
I riz right up and asked the company, almost wildly, "If they had
seen my companion, Josiah?" They said "No, they hadn't." But Celestine
Wilkins' little girl, who had come with her grandpa and grandma
Gowdey, spoke up, and says she, "I seen him a goin' off towards the
woods; he acted dreadfully strange, too, he seemed to be a walkin' off
sideways."

"Had the sufferin's we had undergone made him delirious?" says I to
myself; and then I started off on the run towards the woods, and old
Miss Bobbet, and Miss Gowdey, and Sister Minkley, and Deacon Dobbins'
wife, all rushed after me. Oh, the agony of them 2 or 3 minutes, my
mind so distracted with forebodin's, and the perspiration a pourin'
down. But, all of a sudden, on the edge of the woods we found him.
Miss Gowdey weighed 100 pounds less than me; had got a little ahead of
me. He sat backed up against a tree in a awful cramped position, with
his left leg under him. He looked dretful uncomfortable, but when Miss
Gowdey hollered out: "Oh, here you be; we have been skairt about you;
what is the matter?" he smiled a dretful sick smile, and says he: "Oh,
I thought I would come out here and meditate a spell. It was always a
real treat to me to meditate."

Jest then I came up, a pantin' for breath, and as the women all turned
to face me, Josiah scowled at me, and shook his fist at them 4 wimmen,
and made the most mysterious motions with his hands towards 'em.
But the minute they turned 'round he smiled in a sickish way, and
pretended to go to whistlin'.

Says I, "What is the matter, Josiah Allen? What are you off here for?"

"I am a meditatin', Samantha."

The wimmen happened to be a lookin' the other way for a minute, and he
looked at me as if he would take my head off, and made the strangest
motions towards 'em; but the minute they looked at him he would
pretend to smile that deathly smile.

Says I, "Come, Josiah Allen, we're goin' to have dinner right away,
for we are afraid it will rain."

"Oh, wal," says he, "a little rain, more or less, hain't a goin' to
hinder a man from meditatin'."

I was wore out, and says I: "Do you stop meditatin' this minute,
Josiah Allen."

Says he: "I won't stop, Samantha. I let you have your way a good deal
of the time; but when I take it into my head to meditate, you hain't a
goin' to break it up."

Says I: "Josiah Allen, come to dinner."

"Oh, I hain't hungry," says he. "The table will probably be full. I
had jest as leves wait."

"Table full!" says I. "You know jest as well as I do that we are
eatin' on the ground. Do you come and eat your dinner this minute."

"Yes, do come," says Miss Bobbet.

"Oh," says he, with that ghastly smile, a pretendin' to joke; "I have
got plenty to eat here, I can eat muskeeters."

The air was black with 'em; I couldn't deny it.

"The muskeeters will eat you, more likely," says I. "Look at your face
and hands."

"Yes, they have eat considerable of a dinner out of me, but I don't
begrech 'em. I hain't small enough, I hope, to begrech 'em one meal."

Miss Bobbet and the rest turned to go back, and the minute we were
alone he said:

"Can't you bring 40 or 50 more wimmen up here? You couldn't come here
a minute without a lot of other wimmen tied to your heels!"

I began to see daylight, and then Josiah told me.

It seems he had set down on that bottle of rhaspberry jell. That blue
stripe on the side wasn't hardly finished, as I said, and I hadn't
fastened my thread properly; so when he got to pullin' at 'em to
try to wipe off the jell, the thread started, and bein' sewed on a
machine, that seam jest ripped right open from top to bottom. That was
what he had walked off sideways towards the woods for. Josiah Allen's
wife hain't one to desert a companion in distress. I pinned 'em up as
well as I could, and I didn't say a word to hurt his feelin's, only I
jest said this to him, as I was a fixin' 'em: "Josiah Allen, is this
pleasure?" Says I: "You was determined to come."

"Throw that in my face again, will you? What if I wuz? There goes a
pin into my leg. I should think I had suffered enough without your
stabbin' of me with pins."

"Wal, then, stand still, and not be a caperin' round so. How do you
suppose I can do anything with you a tousin' round so?"

"Wal, don't be so agrevatin', then."

I fixed 'em as well as I could, but they looked pretty bad, and then,
there they was all covered with jell, too. What to do I didn't know.
But finally I told him I would put my shawl onto him. So I doubled
it up corner-ways, as big as I could, so it almost touched the ground
behind, and he walked back to the table with me. I told him it was
best to tell the company all about it, but he jest put his foot down
that he wouldn't, and I told him if he wouldn't that he must make his
own excuses to the company about wearin' the shawl. So he told 'em
that he always loved to wear summer shawls; he thought it made a man
look so dressy.

But he looked as if he would sink all the time he was a sayin' it.
They all looked dretful curious at him, and he looked as meachin' as
if he had stole a sheep, and he never took a minute's comfort, nor I
nuther. He was sick all the way back to the shore, and so was I. And
jest as we got into our wagons and started for home, the rain begun to
pour down. The wind turned our old umberell inside out in no time. My
lawn dress was most spilte before, and now I give up my bunnet. And I
says to Josiah:

"This bunnet and dress are spilte, Josiah Allen, and I shall have to
buy some new ones."

"Wal! wal! who said you wouldn't?" he snapped out.

But it wore on him. Oh, how the rain poured down. Josiah havin'
nothin' but his handkerchief on his head felt it more than I did. I
had took a apron to put on a gettin' dinner, and I tried to make him
let me pin it on to his head. But says he, firmly:

"I hain't proud and haughty, Samantha, but I do feel above ridin' out
with a pink apron on for a hat."

"Wal, then," says I, "get as wet as sop if you had ruther."

I didn't say no more, but there we jest sot and suffered. The rain
poured down, the wind howled at us, the old horse went slow, the
rheumatiz laid holt of both of us, and the thought of the new bunnet
and dress was a wearin' on Josiah, I knew.

After I had beset him about the apron, we didn't say hardly a word for
as much as 13 miles or so; but I did speak once, as he leaned forward
with the rain a drippin' offen his bandanna handkerchief onto his
white pantaloons. I says to him in stern tones:

"Is this pleasure, Josiah Allen?"

He gave the old mare a awful cut, and says he: "I'd like to know what
you want to be so agrevatin' for?"

I didn't multiply any more words with him, only as we drove up to our
door-step, and he helped me out into a mud puddle, I says to him:

"Mebby you'll hear to me another time, Josiah Allen?"

And I'll bet he will. I hain't afraid to bet a ten-cent bill that that
man won't never open his mouth to me again about a PLEASURE EXERTION.




SHAMUS O'BRIEN, THE BOLD BOY OF GLINGALL--A TALE OF '98

BY SAMUEL LOVER.


  Jist afther the war, in the year '98,
  As soon as the boys wor all scattered and bate,
  'Twas the custom, whenever a pisant was got,
  To hang him by thrial--barrin' sich as was shot.
  There was trial by jury goin' on by daylight,
  There was martial-law hangin' the lavins by night.
  It's them was hard times for an honest gossoon:
  If he missed in the judges--he'd meet a dragoon;
  An' whether the sodgers or judges gev sentence,
  The divil a much time they allowed for repentance,
  An' it's many's the fine boy was then on his keepin'
  Wid small share iv restin', or atin', or sleepin',
  An' because they loved Erin, an' scorned to sell it,
  A prey for the bloodhound, a mark for the bullet--
  Unsheltered by night, and unrested by day,
  With the heath for their barrack, revenge for their pay;
  An' the bravest an' hardiest boy iv them all
  Was SHAMUS O'BRIEN, from the town iv Glingall.
  His limbs were well set, an' his body was light,
  An' the keen-fanged hound had not teeth half so white;
  But his face was as pale as the face of the dead,
  And his cheek never warmed with the blush of the red;
  An' for all that he wasn't an ugly young bye,
  For the divil himself couldn't blaze with his eye,
  So droll an' so wicked, so dark and so bright,
  Like a fire-flash that crosses the depth of the night!
  An' he was the best mower that ever has been,
  An' the illigantest hurler that ever was seen,
  An' his dancin' was sich that the men used to stare,
  An' the women turn crazy, he done it so quare;
  An' by gorra, the whole world gev it into him there.
  An' it's he was the boy that was hard to be caught,
  An' it's often he run, an' it's often he fought,
  An' it's many the one can remember right well
  The quare things he done: an' it's often I heerd tell
  How he lathered the yeomen, himself agin four,
  An' stretched the two strongest on old Galtimore.
  But the fox must sleep sometimes, the wild deer must rest,
  An' treachery prey on the blood iv the best;
  Afther many a brave action of power and pride,
  An' many a hard night on the mountain's bleak side,
  An' a thousand great dangers and toils over past,
  In the darkness of night he was taken at last.

  Now, SHAMUS, look back on the beautiful moon,
  For the door of the prison must close on you soon,
  An' take your last look at her dim lovely light,
  That falls on the mountain and valley this night;
  One look at the village, one look at the flood,
  An' one at the sheltering, far distant wood;
  Farewell to the forest, farewell to the hill,
  An' farewell to the friends that will think of you still;
  Farewell to the pathern, the hurlin' an' wake,
  And farewell to the girl that would die for your sake,
  An' twelve sodgers brought him to Maryborough jail,
  An' the turnkey resaved him, refusin' all bail;
  The fleet limbs wor chained, an' the sthrong hands wor bound,
  An' he laid down his length on the cowld prison-ground,
  An' the dreams of his childhood kem over him there
  As gentle an' soft as the sweet summer air,
  An' happy remembrances crowding on ever,
  As fast as the foam-flakes dhrift down on the river,
  Bringing fresh to his heart merry days long gone by,
  Till the tears gathered heavy and thick in his eye.
  But the tears didn't fall, for the pride of his heart
  Would not suffer one drop down his pale cheek to start;
  An' he sprang to his feet in the dark prison cave,
  An' he swore with the fierceness that misery gave,
  By the hopes of the good, an' the cause of the brave,
  That when he was mouldering in the cold grave
  His enemies never should have it to boast
  His scorn of their vengeance one moment was lost;
  His bosom might bleed, but his cheek should be dhry,
  For undaunted he lived, and undaunted he'd die.
  Well, as soon as a few weeks was over and gone,
  The terrible day iv the thrial kem on,
  There was sich a crowd there was scarce room to stand,
  An' sodgers on guard, an' dhragoons sword-in-hand;
  An' the court-house so full that the people were bothered,
  An' attorneys an' criers on the point iv bein' smothered;
  An' counsellors almost gev over for dead,
  An' the jury sittin' up in their box overhead;
  An' the judge settled out so detarmined an' big,
  With his gown on his back, and an illegant new wig;
  An' silence was called, an' the minute it was said
  The court was as still as the heart of the dead,
  An' they heard but the openin' of one prison lock,
  An' SHAMUS O'BRIEN kem into the dock.
  For one minute he turned his eye round on the throng,
  An' he looked at the bars, so firm and so strong,
  An' he saw that he had not a hope nor a friend,
  A chance to escape, nor a word to defend;
  An' he folded his arms as he stood there alone,
  As calm and as cold as a statue of stone;
  And they read a big writin', a yard long at laste,
  An' JIM didn't understand it, nor mind it a taste,
  An' the judge took a big pinch iv snuff, and he says,
  "Are you guilty or not, JIM O'BRIEN, av you plase?"

  An' all held their breath in the silence of dhread,
  An' SHAMUS O'BRIEN made answer and said:
  "My lord, if you ask me, if in my life-time
  I thought any treason, or did any crime
  That should call to my cheek, as I stand alone here,
  The hot blush of shame, or the coldness of fear,
  Though I stood by the grave to receive my death-blow
  Before GOD and the world I would answer you, no!
  But if you would ask me, as I think it like,
  If in the rebellion I carried a pike,
  An' fought for ould Ireland from the first to the close,
  An' shed the heart's blood of her bitterest foes,
  I answer you, yes; and I tell you again,
  Though I stand here to perish, it's my glory that then
  In her cause I was willing my veins should run dhry,
  An' that now for her sake I am ready to die."
  Then the silence was great, and the jury smiled bright,
  An' the judge wasn't sorry the job was made light;
  By my sowl, it's himself was the crabbed ould chap!
  In a twinklin' he pulled on his ugly black cap.
  Then SHAMUS' mother in the crowd standin' by,
  Called out to the judge with a pitiful cry:
  "O, judge! darlin', don't, O, don't say the word!
  The crathur is young, have mercy, my lord;
  He was foolish, he didn't know what he was doin';
  You don't know him, my lord--O, don't give him to ruin!
  He's the kindliest crathur, the tendherest-hearted;
  Don't part us forever, we that's so long parted.
  Judge, mavourneen, forgive him, forgive him, my lord,
  An' GOD will forgive you--O, don't say the word!"
  That was the first minute that O'BRIEN was shaken,
  When he saw that he was not quite forgot or forsaken;
  An' down his pale cheeks, at the word of his mother,
  The big tears wor runnin' fast, one afther th' other;
  An' two or three times he endeavoured to spake,
  But the sthrong, manly voice used to falther and break;
  But at last, by the strength of his high-mounting pride,
  He conquered and masthered his grief's swelling tide,
  "An'," says he, "mother, darlin', don't break your poor heart,
  For, sooner or later, the dearest must part;
  And GOD knows it's betther than wandering in fear
  On the bleak, trackless mountain, among the wild deer,
  To lie in the grave, where the head, heart, and breast,
  From thought, labour, and sorrow, forever shall rest.
  Then, mother, my darlin', don't cry any more,
  Don't make me seem broken, in this, my last hour;
  For I wish, when my head's lyin' undher the raven,
  No thrue man can say that I died like a craven!"
  Then towards the judge SHAMUS bent down his head,
  An' that minute the solemn death-sentince was said.

  The mornin' was bright, an' the mists rose on high,
  An' the lark whistled merrily in the clear sky;
  But why are the men standin' idle so late?
  An' why do the crowds gather fast in the street?
  What come they to talk of? what come they to see?
  An' why does the long rope hang from the cross-tree?
  O, SHAMUS O'BRIEN! pray fervent and fast,
  May the saints take your soul, for this day is your last;
  Pray fast an' pray sthrong, for the moment is nigh,
  When, sthrong, proud, an' great as you are, you must die.
  An' fasther an' fasther, the crowd gathered there,
  Boys, horses, and gingerbread, just like a fair;
  An' whiskey was sellin', and cussamuck too,
  An' ould men and young women enjoying the view.
  An' ould TIM MULVANY, he med the remark,
  There wasn't sich a sight since the time of NOAH'S ark,
  An' be gorry, 'twas thrue for him, for devil sich a scruge,
  Sich divarshin and crowds, was known since the deluge,
  For thousands were gathered there, if there was one,
  Waitin' till such time as the hangin' 'id come on.

  At last they threw open the big prison-gate,
  An' out came the sheriffs and sodgers in state,
  An' a cart in the middle, an' SHAMUS was in it,
  Not paler, but prouder than ever, that minute.
  An' as soon as the people saw SHAMUS O'BRIEN,
  Wid prayin' and blessin', and all the girls cryin',
  A wild wailin' sound kem on by degrees,
  Like the sound of the lonesome wind blowin' through trees.
  On, on to the gallows the sheriffs are gone,
  An' the cart an' the sodgers go steadily on;
  An' at every side swellin' around of the cart,
  A wild, sorrowful sound, that id open your heart.
  Now under the gallows the cart takes its stand,
  An' the hangman gets up with the rope in his hand;
  An' the priest, havin' blest him, goes down on the ground,
  An' SHAMUS O'BRIEN throws one last look round.
  Then the hangman dhrew near, an' the people grew still,
  Young faces turned sickly, and warm hearts turn chill;
  An' the rope bin' ready, his neck was made bare,
  For the gripe iv the life-strangling chord to prepare;
  An' the good priest has left him, havin' said his last prayer,
  But the good priest done more, for his hands he unbound,
  And with one daring spring JIM has leaped on the ground;
  Bang! bang! goes the carbines, and clash goes the sabres;
  He's not down! he's alive still! now stand to him, neighbours!
  Through the smoke and the horses he's into the crowd,--
  By the heavens, he's free!--than thunder more loud,
  By one shout from the people the heavens were shaken--
  One shout that the dead of the world might awaken.
  The sodgers ran this way, the sheriffs ran that,
  An' Father MALONE lost his new Sunday hat;
  To-night he'll be sleepin' in Aherloe Glin,
  An' the divil's in the dice if you catch him ag'in.
  Your swords they may glitter, your carbines go bang,
  But if you want hangin', it's yourself you must hang.

  He has mounted his horse, and soon he will be
  In America, darlint, the land of the free.




"WHICH AM DE MIGHTIEST, DE PEN OR DE SWORD?"

    The "Colored Debating Society" of Mount Vernon, Ohio, had some
    very interesting meetings. The object of the argument on a
    particular evening was the settlement, at once and forever, of
    the question.


Mr. Larkins said about as follows: "Mr. Chaarman, what's de use ob a
swoard unless you's gwyne to waar? Who's hyar dat's gwyne to waar? I
isn't, Mr. Morehouse isn't, Mrs. Morehouse isn't, Mr. Newsome isn't;
I'll bet no feller wot speaks on the swoard side is any ideer ob gwyne
to waar. Den, what's de use ob de swoard? I don't tink dar's much show
for argument in de matter."

Mr. Lewman said: "What's de use ob de pen 'less you knows how to
write? How's dat? Dat's what I wants to know. Look at de chillun ob
Isr'l--wasn't but one man in de whole crowd gwine up from Egyp' to
de Promis' Lan' cood write, an' he didn't write much. [A voice in the
audience, "Who wrote de ten comman'ments, anyhow, you bet." Cheers
from the pen side.] Wrote 'em? wrote 'em? Not much; guess not; not
on stone, honey. Might p'r'aps cut 'em wid a chisel. Broke 'em all,
anyhow, 'fore he got down de hill. Den when he cut a new set, de
chillun ob Isr'l broke 'em all again. Say he did write 'em, what
good was it? So his pen no 'count nohow. No, saar. De _swoard's_ what
fotched 'em into de Promis' Lan', saar. Why, saar, it's ridiculous.
Tink, saar, ob David a-cuttin' off Goliah's head wid a _pen_, saar!
De ideer's altogedder too 'posterous, saar. De _swoard_, saar, de
_swoard_ mus' win de argument, saar."

Dr. Crane said: "I tink Mr. Lewman a leetle too fas'. He's a-speakin'
ob de times in de dim pas', when de mind ob man was crude, an' de han'
ob man was in de ruff state, an' not tone down to de refinement ob
cibilized times. Dey wasn't educated up to de use ob de pen. Deir
han's was only fit for de ruff use ob de swoard. Now, as de modern
poet says, our swoards rust in deir cubbards, an' peas, sweet peas,
cover de lan'. An' what has wrot all dis change? _De pen._ Do I take
a swoard now to get me a peck ob sweet taters, a pair ob chickens,
a pair ob shoes? No, saar. I jess take my pen an' write an order for
'em. Do I want money? I don't git it by de edge ob de swoard; I writes
a check. I want a suit ob clothes, for instance--a stroke ob de pen,
de mighty pen, de clothes is on de way. I'se done."

Mr. Newsome said: "Wid all due 'spect to de learned gemman dat's jus'
spoke, we mus' all agree dat for smoovin' tings off an' a-levelin'
tings down, dere's notting equals de swoard."

Mr. Hunnicut said: "I agrees entirely wid Mr. Newsome; an' in answer
to what Dr. Crane says, I would jess ask what's de use ob drawin' a
check unless you's got de money in de bank, or a-drawin' de order on
de store unless de store truss you? S'pose de store do truss, ain't
it easier to sen' a boy as to write a order? If you got no boy handy,
telegraf. No use for a pen--not a bit. Who ebber heard of Mr. Hill's
pen? Nobody, saar. But his swoard, saar--de swoard ob ole Bunker Hill,
saar--is known to ebbery chile in de lan'. If it hadden been for de
swoard ob ole Bunker Hill, saar, whaar'd we niggers be to-night,
saar? whaar, saar? Not hyar, saar. In Georgia, saar, or wuss, saar. No
cullud man, saar, should ebber go back, saar, on de swoard, saar."

Mr. Hunnicut's remarks seemed to carry a good deal of weight with the
audience. After speeches by a number of others, the subject was handed
over to the "committee," who carried it out and "sot on it." In due
time they returned with the followin' decision:

"De committee decide dat de swoard has de most pints an' de best
backin', an' dat de pen is de most beneficial, an' dat de whole ting
is about a stan'-off."




JUVENILE PUGILISTS.

S.C. CLEMENS.


"Yes, I've had a good many fights in my time," said old John Parky,
tenderly manipulating his dismantled nose, "and it's kind of queer,
too, for when I was a boy the old man was always telling me better. He
was a good man and hated fighting. When I would come home with my nose
bleeding or with my face scratched up, he used to call me out in the
woodshed, and in a sorrowful and discouraged way say, 'So, Johnny,
you've had another fight, hey? How many times have I got to tell
ye how disgraceful and wicked it is for boys to fight? It was only
yesterday that I talked to you an hour about the sin of fighting, and
here you've been at it again. Who was it with this time? _With Tommy
Kelly, hey?_ Don't you know any better than to fight a boy that weighs
twenty pounds more than you do, besides being two years older? Ain't
you got a spark of sense about ye? I can see plainly that you are
determined to break your poor father's heart by your reckless conduct.
What ails your finger? _Tommy bit it?_ Drat the little fool! Didn't ye
know enough to keep your finger out of his mouth? _Was trying to jerk
his cheek off, hey?_ Won't you never learn to quit foolin' 'round a
boy's mouth with yer fingers? You're bound to disgrace us all by such
wretched behaviour. You're determined never to be nobody. Did you
ever hear of Isaac Watts--that wrote, "Let dogs delight to bark and
bite"--sticking his fingers in a boy's mouth to get 'em bit, like a
fool? I'm clean discouraged with ye. Why didn't ye go for his nose,
the way Jonathan Edwards, and George Washington, and Daniel Webster
used to do, when they was boys? _Couldn't 'cause he had ye down?_
That's a purty story to tell me. It does beat all that you can't learn
how Socrates and William Penn used to gouge when they was under, after
the hours and hours I've spent in telling you about those great
men! It seems to me sometimes as if I should have to give you up in
despair. It's an awful trial to me to have a boy that don't pay any
attention to good example, nor to what I say. What! _You pulled out
three or four handfuls of his hair?_ H'm! Did he squirm any? Now if
you'd a give him one or two in the eye--but as I've told ye many
a time, fighting is poor business. Won't you--for your _father's_
sake--_won't you_ promise to try and remember that? H'm! Johnny, how
did it--ahem--which licked?"

"'_You licked him?_ Sho! Really? Well, now, I hadn't any idea you
could lick that Tommy Kelly! I don't believe John Bunyan, at ten years
old, could have done it. Johnny, my boy, you can't think how I hate to
have you fighting every day or two. I wouldn't have had him lick _you_
for five, no, not for ten dollars! Now, sonny, go right in and wash
up, and tell your mother to put a rag on your finger. And, Johnny,
don't let me hear of your fighting again!'"

"I never see anybody so down on fighting as the old man, was, but
somehow he never could break me from it."




THE OLD MAN IN THE STYLISH CHURCH.

JOHN H. YATES.

    Additional effect may be given to this piece by any one who
    can impersonate the old man.


  Well, wife, I've been to church to-day--been to a stylish one--
  And, seein' you can't go from home, I'll tell you what was done;
  You would have been surprised to see what I saw there to-day;
  The sisters were fixed up so fine they hardly bowed to pray.
  I had on these coarse clothes of mine, not much the worse for wear,
  But then they knew I wasn't one they call a millionaire;
  So they led the old man to a seat away back by the door--
  'Twas bookless and uncushioned--_a reserved seat for the poor_.
  Pretty soon in came a stranger with gold ring and clothing fine;
  They led him to a cushioned seat far in advance of mine.
  I thought that wasn't exactly right to seat him up so near,
  When he was young, and I was old and very hard to hear.
  But then there's no accountin' for what some people do;
  The finest clothing nowadays oft gets the finest pew,
  But when we reach the blessed home, all undefiled by sin,
  We'll see wealth beggin' at the gate, while poverty goes in.
  I couldn't hear the sermon, I sat so far away,
  So, through the hours of service, I could only "watch and pray;"
  Watch the doin's of the Christians sitting near me, round about;
  Pray God to make them pure within, as they were pure without.
  While I sat there, lookin' 'round upon the rich and great,
  I kept thinkin' of the rich man and the beggar at his gate;
  How, by all but dogs forsaken, the poor beggar's form grew cold,
  And the angels bore his spirit to the mansions built of gold.
  How, at last, the rich man perished, and his spirit took its flight,
  From the purple and fine linen to the home of endless night;
  There he learned, as he stood gazin' at the beggar in the sky,
  "It isn't all of life to live, nor all of death to die."
  I doubt not there were wealthy sires in that religious fold,
  Who went up from their dwellings like the Pharisee of old,
  Then returned home from their worship, with a head uplifted high,
  To spurn the hungry from their door, with naught to satisfy.
  Out, out with such professions! they are doin' more to-day
  To stop the weary sinner from the Gospel's shinin' way
  Than all the books of infidels; than all that has been tried
  Since Christ was born at Bethlehem--since Christ was crucified.
  How simple are the works of God, and yet how very grand;
  The shells in ocean caverns, the flowers on the land;
  He gilds the clouds of evenin' with the gold right from his throne,
  Not for the rich man _only_--not for the poor alone.
  Then why should man look down on man because of lack of gold?
  Why seat him in the poorest pew because his clothes are old?
  A heart with noble motives--a heart that God has blest--
  May be beatin' Heaven's music 'neath that faded coat and vest.
  I'm old--I may be childish--but I love simplicity;
  I love to see it shinin' in a Christian's piety.
  Jesus told us in His sermons in Judea's mountains wild,
  He that wants to go to Heaven must be like a little child.
  Our heads are growin' gray, dear wife; our hearts are beatin' slow;
  In a little while the Master will call us for to go.
  When we reach the pearly gateways, and look in with joyful eyes,
  We'll see _no stylish worship_ in the temple of the skies.




THE OLD MAN IN THE MODEL CHURCH.

JOHN H. YATES.


    A companion to the foregoing.

  Well, wife, I've found the model church! I worshipped there to-day!
  It made me think of good old times before my hairs were gray;
  The meetin' house was fixed up more than they were years ago,
  But then I felt, when I went in, it wasn't built for show.
  The sexton didn't seat me away back by the door;
  He knew that I was old and deaf, as well as old and poor;
  He must have been a Christian, for he led me boldly through
  The long isle of that crowded church to find a pleasant pew.
  I wish you'd heard the singin'; it had the old-time ring;
  The preacher said, with trumpet voice: "Let all the people sing!"
  The tune was "Coronation," and the music upward rolled,
  Till I thought I heard the angels striking all their harps of gold.
  My deafness seemed to melt away; my spirit caught the fire;
  I joined my feeble, trembling voice with that melodious choir,
  And sang as in my youthful days: "Let angels prostrate fall;
  Bring forth the royal diadem, and crown him Lord of all."
  I tell you, wife, it did me good to sing that hymn once more;
  I felt like some wrecked mariner who gets a glimpse of shore;
  I almost wanted to lay down this weather-beaten form,
  And anchor in that blessed port, forever from the storm.
  The prechen'? Well, I can't just tell all that the preacher said;
  I know it wasn't written; I know it wasn't read;
  He hadn't time to read it, for the lightnin' of his eye
  Went flashin' 'long from pew to pew, nor passed a sinner by.
  The sermon wasn't flowery; 'twas simple Gospel truth;
  It fitted poor old men like me; it fitted hopeful youth;
  'Twas full of consolation for weary hearts that bleed;
  'Twas full of invitations to Christ and not to creed.
  The preacher made sin hideous in Gentiles and in Jews;
  He shot the golden sentences down in the finest pews;
  And--though I can't see very well--I saw the falling tear
  That told me hell was some ways off, and heaven very near.
  How swift the golden moments fled within that holy place;
  How brightly beamed the light of heaven from every happy face;
  Again I longed for that sweet time when friend shall meet with
          friend,
  "When congregations ne'er break up, and Sabbath has no end."
  I hope to meet that minister--that congregation, too--
  In that dear home beyond the stars that shine from heaven's blue;
  I doubt not I'll remember, beyond life's evenin' gray,
  The happy hour of worship in that model church to-day.
  Dear wife, the fight will soon be fought--the victory soon be won;
  The shinin' goal is just ahead; the race is nearly run;
  O'er the river we are nearin', they are throngin' to the shore,
  To shout our safe arrival where the weary weep no more.




THE SAN FRANCISCO AUCTIONEER.

ANON.


Now, ladies and gentlemen, I have the honour of putting up a fine
pocket-handkerchief, a yard wide, a yard long, and almost a yard
thick; one-half cotton, and t'other half cotton too, beautifully
printed with stars and stripes on one side, and the stripes and stars
on t'other. It will wipe dust from the eyes so completely as to be
death to demagogues, and make politics as bad a business as printing
papers. Its great length, breadth and thickness, together with its
dark colour, will enable it to hide dirt, and never need washing.
Going at one dollar? seventy-five cents? fifty cents? twenty-five
cents? one bit? Nobody wants it! Oh, thank you, sir! Next,
gentlemen--for the ladies won't be permitted to bid on this
article--is a real, simon pure, tempered, highly-polished, keen-edged
Sheffield razor; bran spanking new; never opened before to sunlight,
moonlight, starlight, daylight or gaslight; sharp enough to shave a
lawyer or cut a disagreeable acquaintance or poor relation; handle of
buck-horn, with all the rivets but the two at the ends of pure
gold. Who will give two dollars? one dollar? half a dollar? Why, ye
long-bearded, dirty-faced reprobates, with not room on your phizzes
for a Chinese woman to kiss, I'm offering you a bargain at half a
dollar! Well, I'll throw in this strop at half a dollar! razor
and strop! a recent patent; two rubs upon it will sharpen the city
attorney; all for four bits; and a piece of soap, sweeter than roses,
lathers better than a school-master, and strong enough to wash all the
stains from a California politician's countenance, all for four bits.
Why, you have only to put the razor, strop and soap under your pillow
at night, and wake up in the morning clean shaved. Won't anybody give
two bits, then, for the lot? I knew I would sell them! Next,
ladies and gentlemen, I offer three pair socks, hose, stockings, or
half-hose, just as you're a mind to call them, knit by a machine
made on purpose, out of cotton wool. The man that buys these will be
enabled to walk till he gets tired; and, provided his boots are big
enough, needn't have any corns; the legs are as long as bills against
the corporation, and as thick as the heads of the members of the
legislature. Who wants 'em at one half dollar? Thank-ee, madame,
the money. Next I offer you a pair of boots made especially for San
Francisco, with heels long enough to raise a man up to the Hoadley
grades, and nails to ensure against being carried over by a land
slide; legs wide enough to carry two revolvers and a bowie-knife, and
the upper of the very best horse leather. A man in these boots can
move about as easy as the State Capitol. Who says twenty dollars? All
the tax-payers ought to buy a pair to kick the council with, everybody
ought to buy a pair to kick the legislature with, and they will be
found of assistance in kicking the bucket especially if somebody
should kick at being kicked. Ten dollars for legs, uppers and soles!
while souls, and miserable souls at that, are bringing twenty thousand
dollars in Sacramento! Ten dollars! ten dollars! gone at ten dollars!
Next is something that you ought to have, gentlemen,--a lot of good
gallowses--sometimes called suspenders. I know that some of you will,
after a while, be furnished at the State's expense, but you can't tell
which one, so buy where they're cheap. All that deserve to be hanged
are not supplied with a gallows; if so, there would be nobody to make
laws, condemn criminals, or hang culprits, until a new election. Made
of pure gum-elastic--stretch like a judge's conscience, and last as
long as a California office-holder will steal; buckles of pure iron,
and warranted to hold so tight that no man's wife can rob him of his
breeches; are, in short, as strong, as good, as perfect, as effectual
and as bona-fide as the ordinance against Chinese shops on Dupont
Street--gone at twenty-five cents.




PAT-ENT GUN.


  I've heard a good joke on Emerald Pat,
  Who kept a few brains and a brick in his hat;
  He was bound to go hunting; so taking his gun
  He rammed down a charge--this was load number one;
  Then he put in the priming, and when all was done,
  By way of experiment, he thought he would try
  And see if by perchance he might hit the "bull's eye."

  He straightened himself until he made a good figure,
  Took a deliberate aim and then pulled the trigger.
  Click! went the hammer, but nothing exploded;
  "And sure," muttered Paddy, "the gun isn't loaded."
  So down went another charge, just as before,
  Unless this contained a grain or two more;
  Once more he made ready and took a good aim
  And pulled on the trigger--effect quite the same.
  "I wonder, can this be, still shootin'?" said Pat;
  "I put down a load, now I'm certain of that;
  I'll try it again, and then we shall see!"
  So down went the cartridge of load number three.
  Then trying again with a confident air,
  And succeeding no better, he gave up in despair.
  Just at that moment he happened to spy
  His friend, Michael Milligan, hurrying by.
  "Hello, Mike! Come here and try on my gun;
  I've been trying to shoot until I'm tired and done!"
  So Mike took the gun and picked up the powder,
  Remarking to Pat, "it would make it go louder."
  Then placing it firmly against his right arm,
  And never suspecting it might do him harm,
  He pointed the piece in the proper direction,
  And pulled on the trigger without more reflection,
  When off went the gun like a county election
  Where whisky and gin have exclusive selection
  Of those who are chosen to guard the inspection--
  There's a great deal of noise--and some little inspection,
  And Michael "went off" in another direction.
  "Hold on!" shouted Pat, "Hold on to the gun,
  I put in three loads, and you fired off but one!
  Get up, and be careful, don't hold it so level,
  Or else we are both us gone to the--cemetery!"
  "I'm goin'," says Michael, "it's time that I wint,
  I've got meself kicked and I'll just take the hint."

  Now, old boys, and young, here's a moral for you;
  Don't make Pat your pattern whatever you do.
  Don't carry too much in the crown of your hat;
  Of all things you lodge there beware of the bat!

  I don't mean the little mouse flying in the air,
  The ladies so fear that may get into their hair,
  But the dangerous brick bat, so much worse than that,
  Nobody can wear it that isn't a "flat,"
  And then don't forget it is one of Old Nick's
  Diabolical methods of playing his tricks
  On foolish young men who become "perfect bricks;"
  He don't give the hint until _after_ he kicks!




A PSALM OF LIFE.

H.W. LONGFELLOW.


  Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
    "Life is but an empty dream!"
  For the soul is dead that slumbers,
    And things are not what they seem.

  Life is real! life is earnest!
    And the grave is not its goal;
  "Dust thou art, to dust returnest,"
    Was not spoken of the soul.

  Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
    Is our destined end or way;
  But to act that each to-morrow,
    Find us farther than to-day.

  Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
    And our hearts, though stout and brave,
  Still, like muffled drums, are beating,
    Funeral marches to the grave.

  In the world's broad field of battle.
    In the bivouac of Life,
  Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
    Be a hero in the strife!

  Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
    Let the dead Past bury its dead!
  Act--act in the living Present!
    Heart within, and God o'erhead.

  Lives of great men all remind us
    We can make our lives sublime,
  And departing, leave behind us
    Footprints on the sands of time.

  Footprints, that perhaps another,
    Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
  A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
    Seeing, shall take heart again.

  Let us, then, be up and doing,
    With a heart for any fate;
  Still achieving, still pursuing
    Learn to labour and to wait.




THE LAST MAN.

THOMAS CAMPBELL.


All worldly shapes shall melt in gloom, the sun himself must die,
before this mortal shall assume its immortality! I saw a vision in my
sleep that gave my spirit strength to sweep adown the gulf of Time!
I saw the last of human mould that shall Creation's death behold, as
Adam saw her prime! The Sun's eye had a sickly glare, the earth with
age was wan; the skeletons of nations were around that lonely man!
Some had expired in fight--the brands still rusted in their bony
hands; in plague and famine some. Earth's cities had no sound or
tread, and ships were drifting with the dead to shores where all was
dumb. Yet, prophet-like, that Lone One stood, with dauntless words and
high, that shook the sere leaves from the wood as if a storm passed
by, saying--"We are twins in death, proud Sun! thy face is cold, thy
race is run, 'tis mercy bids thee go; for thou ten thousand years hast
seen the tide of human tears--that shall no longer flow. What though
beneath thee, man put forth his pomp, his pride, his skill; and arts
that made fire, flood, and earth, the vassals of his will?--yet mourn
I not thy parted sway, thou dim, discrowned king of day; for all those
trophied arts and triumphs, that beneath thee sprang, healed not a
passion or a pang entailed on human hearts. Go! let Oblivion's curtain
fall upon the stage of men! nor with thy rising beams recall life's
tragedy again! Its piteous pageants bring not back, nor waken flesh
upon the rack of pain anew to writhe, stretched in Disease's shapes
abhorred, or mown in battle by the sword, like grass beneath the
scythe! Even I am weary in yon skies to watch thy fading fire: test
of all sumless agonies, behold not me expire! My lips, that speak thy
dirge of death, their rounded gasp and gurgling breath to see, thou
shalt not boast; the eclipse of Nature spreads my pall, the majesty
of Darkness shall receive my parting ghost! The spirit shall return to
Him who gave its heavenly spark; yet think not, Sun, it shall be dim
when thou thyself art dark! No! it shall live again, and shine in
bliss unknown to beams of thine; by Him recalled to breath, who
captive led captivity, who robbed the grave of victory, and took the
sting from Death! Go, Sun, while mercy holds me up on Nature's awful
waste, to drink this last and bitter cup of grief that man shall
taste,--go! tell the night that hides thy face thou saw'st the last of
Adam's race on earth's sepulchral clod, the darkening universe defy to
quench his immortality, or shake his trust in God!"




THE MANTLE OF ST. JOHN DE MATHA.

JOHN G. WHITTIER.

A LEGEND OF "THE RED, WHITE, AND BLUE."

A.D. 1154-1864.


  A strong and mighty Angel,
    Calm, terrible and bright,
  The cross in blended red and blue
    Upon his mantle white!

  Two captives by him kneeling,
    Each on his broken chain,
  Sang praise to God who raiseth
    The dead to life again!

  Dropping his cross-wrought mantle,
    "Wear this," the Angel said;
  "Take thou, O Freedom's priest, its sign--
    The white, the blue, the red."

  Then rose up John de Matha
    In the strength the Lord Christ gave,
  And begged through all the land of France
    The ransom of the slave.

  The gates of tower and castle
    Before him open flew,
  The drawbridge at his coming fell,
    The door-bolt backward drew.

  For all men owned his errand,
    And paid his righteous tax;
  And the hearts of lord and peasant
    Were in his hands as wax.

  At last, outbound from Tunis,
    His bark her anchor weighed,
  Freighted with seven score Christian souls
    Whose ransom he had paid.

  But, torn by Paynim hatred,
    Her sails in tatters hung;
  And on the wild waves rudderless,
    A shattered hulk she swung.

  "God save us!" cried the captain,
    For naught can man avail:
  O, woe betide the ship that lacks
    Her rudder and her sail!

  "Behind us are the Moormen;
    At sea we sink or strand:
  There's death upon the water,
    There's death upon the land!"

  Then up spake John de Matha:
    "God's errands never fail!
  Take thou the mantle which I wear,
    And make of it a sail."

  They raised the cross-wrought mantle,
    The blue, the white, the red;
  And straight before the wind off-shore
    The ship of Freedom sped.

  "God help us!" cried the seamen,
    "For vain is mortal skill;
  The good ship on a stormy sea
    Is drifting at its will."

  Then up spake John de Matha:
    "My mariners, never fear!
  The Lord whose breath has filled her sail
    May well our vessel steer!"

  So on through storm and darkness
    They drove for weary hours;
  And lo! the third gray morning shone
    On Ostia's friendly towers.

  And on the walls the watchers
    The ship of mercy knew--
  They knew far off its holy cross,
    The red, the white, the blue.

  And the bells in all the steeples
    Rang out in glad accord,
  To welcome home to Christian soil
    The ransomed of the Lord.

  So runs the ancient legend
    By bard and painter told;
  And lo! the cycle rounds again,
    The new is as the old!

  With rudder foully broken,
    And sails by traitors torn,
  Our country on a midnight sea
    Is waiting for the morn.

  Before her, nameless terror;
    Behind, the pirate foe;
  The clouds are black above her,
    The sea is white below.

  The hope of all who suffer,
    The dread of all who wrong,
  She drifts in darkness and in storm,
    How long, O Lord! how long?

  But courage, O my mariners!
    Ye shall not suffer wreck,
  While up to God the freedman's prayers
    Are rising from your deck.

  Is not your sail the banner
    Which God hath blest anew,
  The mantle that de Matha wore,
    The red, the white, the blue?

  Its hues are all of heaven--
    The red of sunset's dye
  The whiteness of the moonlit cloud,
    The blue of morning's sky.

  Wait cheerily, then, O mariners,
    For daylight and for land;
  The breath of God is on your sail,
    Your rudder in His hand.

  Sail on, sail on, deep freighted
    With blessings and with hopes;
  The saints of old with shadowy hands
    Are pulling at your ropes.

  Behind ye, holy martyrs
    Uplift the palm and crown;
  Before ye, unborn ages send
    Their benedictions down.

  Take heart from John de Matha!--
    God's errands never fail!
  Sweep on through storm and darkness,
    The thunder and the hail!

  Sail on! The morning cometh,
    The port ye yet shall win;
  And all the bells of God shall ring
    The good ship bravely in!




THE POLISH BOY.

ANN S. STEPHENS.


  Whence come those shrieks so wild and shrill,
    That cut, like blades of steel, the air,
  Causing the creeping blood to chill
    With the sharp cadence of despair?

  Again they come, as if a heart
    Were cleft in twain by one quick blow,
  And every string had voice apart
    To utter its peculiar woe.

  Whence came they? from yon temple where
  An altar, raised for private prayer,
  Now forms the warrior's marble bed
  Who Warsaw's gallant armies led.

  The dim funereal tapers throw
  A holy lustre o'er his brow,
  And burnish with their rays of light
  The mass of curls that gather bright
  Above the haughty brow and eye
  Of a young boy that's kneeling by.

  What hand is that, whose icy press
    Clings to the dead with death's own grasp,
  But meets no answering caress?
    No thrilling fingers seek its clasp?
  It is the hand of her whose cry
    Rang wildly, late, upon the air,
  When the dead warrior met her eye
    Outstretched upon the altar there.

  With pallid lip and stony brow
  She murmurs forth her anguish now.
  But hark! the tramp of heavy feet
  Is heard along the bloody street;
  Nearer and nearer yet they come
  With clanking arms and noiseless drum.
  Now whispered curses, low and deep,
  Around the holy temple creep;
  The gate is burst; a ruffian band
  Rush in and savagely demand,
  With brutal voice and oath profane,
  The startled boy for exile's chain.

  The mother sprang with gesture wild,
  And to her bosom clasped her child;
  Then with pale cheek and flashing eye
  Shouted with fearful energy,
  "Back, ruffians, back, nor dare to tread
  Too near the body of my dead;
  Nor touch the living boy--I stand
  Between him and your lawless band.
  Take me, and bind these arms, these hands,
  With Russia's heaviest iron bands,
  And drag me to Siberia's wild
  To perish, if 'twill save my child!"

  "Peace, woman, peace!" the leader cried,
  Tearing the pale boy from her side,
  And in his ruffian grasp he bore
  His victim to the temple door.

  "One moment!" shrieked the mother; "one!
  Will land or gold redeem my son?
  Take heritage, take name, take all,
  But leave him free from Russian thrall!
  Take these!" and her white arms and hands
  She stripped of rings and diamond bands,
  And tore from braids of long black hair
  The gems that gleamed like starlight there;
  Her cross of blazing rubies last
  Down at the Russian's feet she cast.
  He stooped to seize the glittering store--
  Upspringing from the marble floor,
  The mother, with a cry of joy,
  Snatched to her leaping heart the boy.
  But no! the Russian's iron grasp
  Again undid the mother's clasp.
  Forward she fell, with one long cry
  Of more than mortal agony.

  But the brave child is roused at length,
    And breaking from the Russian's hold,
  He stands, a giant in the strength
    Of his young spirit, fierce and bold.
  Proudly he towers; his flashing eye,
    So blue, and yet so bright,
  Seems kindled from the eternal sky,
    So brilliant is its light.
  His curling lips and crimson cheeks
  Foretell the thought before he speaks;
  With a full voice of proud command
  He turned upon the wondering band:
  "Ye hold me not! no, no, nor can!
  This hour has made the boy a man!
  I knelt before my slaughtered sire,
  Nor felt one throb of vengeful ire.
  I wept upon his marble brow,
  Yes, wept! I was a child; but now--
  My noble mother, on her knee,
  Hath done the work of years for me!"

  He drew aside his broidered vest,
  And there, like slumbering serpent's crest,
  The jeweled haft of poniard bright
  Glittered a moment on the sight.
  "Ha! start ye back! Fool! coward! knave!
  Think ye my noble father's glaive
  Would drink the life-blood of a slave?
  The pearls that on the handle flame
  Would blush to rubies in their shame;
  The blade would quiver in thy breast,
  Ashamed of such ignoble rest.
  No! Thus I rend the tyrant's chain,
  And fling him back a boy's disdain!"

  A moment and the funeral light
  Flashed on the jeweled weapon bright;
  Another, and his young heart's blood
  Leaped to the floor, a crimson flood.
  Quick to his mother's side he sprang,
  And on the air his clear voice rang:
  "Up, mother, up! I'm free! I'm free!
  The choice was death or slavery.
  Up, mother, up! Look on thy son!
  His freedom is forever won;
  And now he waits one holy kiss
  To bear his father home in bliss--
  One last embrace, one blessing--one!
  To prove thou knowest, approvest thy son.
  What! silent yet? Canst thou not feel
  My warm blood o'er my heart congeal?
  Speak, mother, speak! lift up thy head!
  What! silent still? Then art thou dead?
  ----Great God, I thank Thee! Mother, I
  Rejoice with thee--and thus--to die!"
  One long, deep breath, and his pale head
  Lay on his mother's bosom--dead.




THAT HIRED GIRL.

ANON.


When she came to work for the family on Congress street, the lady of
the house sat down and told her that agents, book-peddlers, hat-rack
men, picture sellers, ash-buyers, rag-men, and all that class of
people, must be met at the front door and coldly repulsed, and Sarah
said she'd repulse them if she had to break every broomstick in
Detroit.

And she did. She threw the door open wide, bluffed right up at 'em,
and when she got through talking, the cheekiest agent was only too
glad to leave. It got so after awhile that peddlers marked that house,
and the door-bell never rang except for company.

The other day, as the girl of the house was wiping off the spoons, the
bell rang. She hastened to the door, expecting to see a lady, but
her eyes encountered a slim man, dressed in black and wearing a
white necktie. He was the new minister, and was going around to get
acquainted with the members of his flock, but Sarah wasn't expected to
know this.

"Ah--um--is--Mrs.--ah!"

"Git!" exclaimed Sarah, pointing to the gate.

"Beg pardon, but I would like to see--see--"

"Meander!" she shouted, looking around for a weapon; "we don't want
any flour-sifters here!"

"You're mistaken," he replied, smiling blandly. "I called to--"

"Don't want anything to keep moths away--fly!" she exclaimed, getting
red in the face.

"Is the lady in?" he inquired, trying to look over Sarah's head.

"Yes, the lady is in, and I'm in, and you are out!" she snapped; "and
now I don't want to stand here talking to a fly-trap agent any longer!
Come lift your boots!"

"I'm not an agent," he said, trying to smile. "I'm the new--"

"Yes, I know you--you are the new man with the patent flat-iron, but
we don't want any, and you'd better go before I call the dog."

"Will you give the lady my card, and say that I called?"

"No, I won't; we are bored to death with cards and handbills and
circulars. Come, I can't stand here all day."

"Didn't you know that I was a minister?" he asked as he backed off.

"No, nor I don't know it now; you look like the man who sold the woman
next door a dollar chromo for eighteen shillings."

"But here is my card."

"I don't care for cards, I tell you! If you leave that gate open I
will have to fling a flower-pot at you!"

"I will call again," he said, as he went through the gate.

"It won't do any good!" she shouted after him; "we don't want no
prepared food for infants--no piano music--no stuffed birds! I know
the policemen on this beat, and if you come around here again, he'll
soon find out whether you are a confidence man or a vagrant!"

And she took unusual care to lock the door.




THE BELL OF THE "ATLANTIC."

MRS. SIGOURNEY.


  Toll, toll, toll!
    Thou bell by billows swung,
  And, night and day, thy warning words
    Repeat with mournful tongue!
  Toll for the queenly boat,
    Wrecked on yon rocky-shore!
  Sea-weed is in her palace halls--
    She rides the surge no more.

  Toll for the master bold,
    The high-souled and the brave,
  Who ruled her like a thing of life
    Amid the crested wave!
  Toll for the hardy crew,
    Sons of the storm and blast,
  Who long the tyrant ocean dared;
    But it vanquished them at last.

  Toll for the man of God,
    Whose hallowed voice of prayer
  Rose calm above the stifled groan
    Of that intense despair!
  How precious were those tones,
    On that sad verge of life,
  Amid the fierce and freezing storm,
    And the mountain billows strife!

  Toll for the lover, lost
    To the summoned bridal train
  Bright glows a picture on his breast,
    Beneath th' unfathomed main.
  One from her casement gazeth
    Long o'er the misty sea:
  He cometh not, pale maiden--
    His heart is cold to thee?

  Toll for the absent sire,
    Who to his home drew near,
  To bless a glad, expecting group--
    Fond wife, and children dear!
  They heap the blazing hearth,
    The festal board is spread,
  But a fearful guest is at the gate:--
    Room for the sheeted dead!

  Toll for the loved and fair,
    The whelmed beneath the tide--
  The broken harps around whose strings
    The dull sea-monsters glide!
  Mother and nursling sweet,
    Reft from the household throng;
  There's bitter weeping in the nest
    Where breathed their soul of song.

  Toll for the hearts that bleed
    'Neath misery's furrowing trace;
  Toll for the hapless orphan left,
    The last of all his race!
  Yea, with thy heaviest knell,
    From surge to rocky shore,
  Toll for the living--not the dead,
    Whose mortal woes are o'er.

  Toll, toll, toll!
    O'er breeze and billow free;
  And with thy startling lore instruct
    Each rover of the sea.
  Tell how o'er proudest joys
    May swift destruction sweep,
  And bid him build his hopes on high--
    Lone teacher of the deep!




THE OWL--A SMALL BOY'S COMPOSITION.

ANON.


Wen you come to see a owl cloce it has offle big eyes, and wen you
come to feel it with your fingers, wich it bites, you fine it is
mosely fethers, with only jus meat enuf to hole 'em to gether.

Once they was a man thot he would like a owl for a pet, so he tole a
bird man to send him the bes one in the shop, but wen it was brot he
lookt at it and squeezed it, and it diddent sute. So the man he rote
to the bird man and said Ile keep the owl you sent, tho it aint like
I wanted, but wen it's wore out you mus make me a other, with littler
eyes, for I spose these eyes is number twelves, but I want number
sixes, and then if I pay you the same price you can aford to put in
more owl.

Owls have got to have big eyes cos tha has to be out a good deal at
nite a doin bisnis with rats and mice, wich keeps late ours. They is
said to be very wise, but my sisters young man he says any boddy coud
be wise if they woud set up nites to take notice.

That feller comes to our house jest like he used to, only more, and
wen I ast him wy he come so much he said he was a man of sience, like
me, and was a studyin arnithogaly, which was birds. I ast him wot
birds he was a studyin, and he said anjils, and wen he said that my
sister she lookt out the winder and said wot a fine day it had turn
out to be. But it was a rainin cats and dogs wen she said it. I never
see such a goose in my life as that girl, but Uncle Ned, wich has been
in ole parts of the worl, he says they is jes that way in Pattygong.

In the picture alphabets the O is some times a owl, and some times
it is a ox, but if I made the picters Ide have it stan for a oggur to
bore holes with. I tole that to ole gaffer Peters once wen he was to
our house lookin at my new book, and he said you is right, Johnny, and
here is this H stan for harp, but hoo cares for a harp, wy don't they
make it stan for a horgan? He is such a ole fool.




THE FLOWERS.

HOWITT.

    [In reciting this sweetly beautiful little poem its noble
    truths should be uttered with emphatic, but not noisy
    elocution. There is sufficient variety in the different
    stanzas for the speaker to display much taste and feeling.]


  God might have bade the earth bring forth
      Enough for great and small,
  The oak-tree and the cedar-tree,
      Without a flower at all.

  We might have had enough, enough
      For every want of ours,
  For luxury, medicine and toil,
      And yet have had no flowers.

  The one within the mountain mine
      Requireth none to grow;
  Nor does it need the lotus-flower
      To make the river flow.

  The clouds might give abundant rain;
      The nightly dews might fall,
  And the herb that keepeth life in man
      Might yet have drunk them all.

  Then wherefore, wherefore were they made,
      All dyed with rainbow-light,
  All fashioned with supremest grace
      Upspringing day and night:--

  Springing in valleys green and low,
      And on the mountains high,
  And in the silent wilderness
      Where no man passes by?

  Our outward life requires them not--
      Then wherefore had they birth?--
  To minister delight to man,
      To beautify the earth;

  To comfort man--to whisper hope,
      Whene'er his faith is dim,
  For who so careth for the flowers
      Will much more care for him!




THE HYPOCHONDRIAC.


Good morning, Doctor; how do you do? I haint quite so well as I have
been; but I think I'm some better than I was. I don't think that last
medicine you gin me did me much good. I had a terrible time with the
ear-ache last night; my wife got up and drapt a few draps of Walnut
sap into it, and that relieved it some; but I didn't get a wink of
sleep till nearly daylight. For nearly a week, Doctor, I've had the
worst kind of a narvous head-ache; it has been so bad sometimes that I
thought my head would bust open. Oh, dear! I sometimes think that I'm
the most afflictedest human that ever lived.

Since this cold weather sot in, that troublesome cough, that I have
had every winter for the last fifteen year, has began to pester me
agin.

(_Coughs._) Doctor, do you think you can give me anything that will
relieve this desprit pain I have in my side?

Then I have a crick, at times, in the back of my neck so that I can't
turn my head without turning the hull of my body. (_Coughs._)

Oh, dear! What shall I do! I have consulted almost every doctor in the
country, but they don't any of them seem to understand my case. I have
tried everything that I could think of; but I can't find anything that
does me the leastest good. (_Coughs._)

Oh this cough--it will be the death of me yet! You know I had my right
hip put out last fall at the rising of Deacon Jones' saw mill;
its getting to be very troublesome just before we have a change of
weather. Then I've got the sciatica in my right knee, and sometimes
I'm so crippled up that I can hardly crawl round in any fashion.

What do you think that old white mare of ours did while I was out
plowing last week? Why, the weacked old critter, she kept a backing
and backing, on till she back'd me right up agin the colter, and
knock'd a piece of skin off my shin nearly so big. (_Coughs._)

But I had a worse misfortune than that the other day, Doctor. You see
it was washing-day--and my wife wanted me to go out and bring in a
little stove-wood--you know we lost our help lately, and my wife has
to wash and tend to everything about the house herself.

I knew it wouldn't be safe for me to go out--as it was a raining at
the time--but I thought I'd risk it any how. So I went out, pick'd
up a few chunks of stove-wood, and was a coming up the steps into the
house, when my feet slipp'd from under me, and I fell down as sudden
as if I'd been shot. Some of the wood lit upon my face, broke down the
bridge of my nose, cut my upper lip, and knock'd out three of my front
teeth. I suffered dreadfully on account of it, as you may suppose, and
my face ain't well enough yet to make me fit to be seen, specially
by the women folks. (_Coughs._) Oh, dear! but that ain't all, Doctor,
I've got fifteen corns on my toes--and I'm afeard I'm a going to have
the "yallar janders." (_Coughs._)




THE GRAVES OF A HOUSEHOLD.

BYRON.

    [This sweetly mournful refrain, should be delivered with sad
    earnestness; as though the speaker was describing the fate of
    his own family.]


  They grew in beauty side by side,
    They filled our home with glee;
  Their graves are severed, far and wide,
    By mount, and stream, and sea.
  The same fond mother bent at night
    O'er each fair sleeping brow;
  She had each folded flower in sight,
    Where are those dreamers now?

  One, 'midst the forests of the West,
    By a dark stream is laid,--
  The Indian knows his place of rest,
    Far in the cedar shade.
  The sea, the blue lone sea, hath one,
    He lies where pearls lie deep;
  He was the loved of all, but none
    O'er his low bed may weep.

  One sleeps where southern vines are drest
    Above the noble slain:
  He wrapt his colours round his breast,
    On a blood-red field of Spain.
  And one--o'er her the myrtle showers
    Its leaves, by soft winds fanned;
  She faded 'midst Italian flowers,--
    The last of that bright band.

  And parted thus they rest, who played
    Beneath the same green tree;
  Whose voices mingled as they prayed
    Around one parent knee!
  They that with smiles lit up the hall,
    And cheered with song the hearth,--
  Alas! for love, if thou wert all,
    And nought beyond, oh, earth!




PLEDGE WITH WINE.


"Pledge with wine--pledge with wine!" cried the young and thoughtless
Harry Wood. "Pledge with wine," ran through the brilliant crowd.

The beautiful bride grew pale--the decisive hour had come, she pressed
her white hands together, and the leaves of her bridal wreath trembled
on her pure brow; her breath came quicker, her heart beat wilder.

"Yes, Marion, lay aside your scruples for this once," said the Judge,
in a low tone, going towards his daughter; "the company expect it, do
not so seriously infringe upon the rules of etiquette;--in your own
house act as you please; but in mine, for this once please me."

Every eye was turned towards the bridal pair. Marion's principles were
well known. Henry had been a convivialist, but of late his friends
noticed the change in his manners, the difference in his habits--and
to-night they watched him to see, as they sneeringly said, if he was
tied down to a woman's opinion so soon.

Pouring a brimming beaker, they held it with tempting smiles toward
Marion. She was very pale, though more composed, and her hand shook
not, as smiling back, she gratefully accepted the crystal tempter and
raised it to her lips. But scarcely had she done so when every hand
was arrested by her piercing exclamation of "Oh, how terrible!" "What
is it?" cried one and all, thronging together, for she had slowly
carried the glass at arm's length, and was fixedly regarding it as
though it were some hideous object.

"Wait," she answered, while an inspired light shone from her dark
eyes, "wait and I will tell you. I see," she added, slowly pointing
one jewelled finger at the sparkling ruby liquid, "A sight that
beggars all description; and yet listen; I will paint it for you if I
can: It is a lonely spot; tall mountains, crowned with verdure, rise
in awful sublimity around; a river runs through, and bright flowers
grow to the waters' edge. There is a thick, warm mist that the sun
seeks vainly to pierce; trees, lofty and beautiful, wave to the airy
motion of the birds; but there, a group of Indians gather; they flit
to and fro with something like sorrow upon their dark brow; and in
their midst lies a manly form, but his cheek, how deathly; his eye
wild with the fitful fire of fever. One friend stands beside him,
nay, I should say kneels, for he is pillowing that poor head upon his
breast.

"Genius in ruins. Oh! the high, holy looking brow! Why should death
mark it, and he so young? Look how he throws the damp curls! see him
clasp his hands! hear his thrilling shrieks for life! mark how he
clutches at the form of his companion, imploring to be saved. Oh!
hear him call piteously his father's name; see him twine his fingers,
together as he shrieks for his sister--his only sister--the twin of
his soul--weeping for him in his distant native land.

"See!" she exclaimed, while the bridal party shrank back, the
untasted wine trembling in their faltering grasp, and the Judge fell,
overpowered, upon his seat; "see! his arms are lifted to heaven; he
prays, how wildly, for mercy! hot fever rushes through his veins. The
friend beside him is weeping; awe-stricken, the men move silently, and
leave the living and dying together."

There was a hush in that princely parlor, broken only by what seemed
a smothered sob, from some manly bosom. The bride stood yet upright,
with quivering lip, and tears stealing to the outward edge of her
lashes. Her beautiful arm had lost its tension, and the glass, with
its little troubled red waves, came slowly towards the range of her
vision. She spoke again; every lip was mute. Her voice was low, faint,
yet awfully distinct: she still fixed her sorrowful glance upon the
wine-cup.

"It is evening now; the great white moon is coming up, and her beams
lay gently on his forehead. He moves not; his eyes are set in their
sockets; dim are their piercing glances; in vain his friend whispers
the name of father and sister--death is there. Death! and no soft
hand, no gentle voice to bless and soothe him. His head sinks back!
one convulsive shudder! he is dead!"

A groan ran through the assembly, so vivid was her description, so
unearthly her look, so inspired her manner, that what she described
seemed actually to have taken place then and there. They noticed also,
that the bridegroom hid his face in his hands and was weeping.

"Dead!" she repeated again, her lips quivering faster and faster, and
her voice more and more broken; "and there they scoop him a grave; and
there without a shroud, they lay him down in the damp reeking earth.
The only son of a proud father, the only idolized brother of a fond
sister. And he sleeps to-day in that distant country, with no stone to
mark the spot. There he lies--my father's son--my own twin brother!
a victim to this deadly poison. Father," she exclaimed, turning
suddenly, while the tears rained down her beautiful cheeks, "father,
shall I drink it now?"

The form of the old Judge was convulsed with agony. He raised his
head, but in a smothered voice he faltered--"No, no, my child, in
God's name, no."

She lifted the glittering goblet, and letting it suddenly fall to the
floor it was dashed into a thousand pieces. Many a tearful eye watched
her movements, and instantaneously every wine-glass was transferred to
the marble table on which it had been prepared. Then, as she looked at
the fragments of crystal, she turned to the company, saying:--"Let no
friend, hereafter, who loves me, tempt me to peril my soul for wine.
Not firmer the everlasting hills than my resolve, God helping me,
never to touch or taste that terrible poison. And he to whom I have
given my hand; who watched over my brother's dying form in that last
solemn hour, and buried the dear wanderer there by the river in that
land of gold, will, I trust, sustain me in that resolve. Will you not,
my husband?"

His glistening eyes, his sad, sweet smile was her answer.

The Judge left the room, and when an hour later he returned, and with
a more subdued manner took part in the entertainment of the bridal
guests, no one could fail to read that he, too, had determined to dash
the enemy at once and forever from his princely rooms.

Those who were present at that wedding, can never forget the
impression so solemnly made. Many from that hour forswore the social
glass.


[Illustration]

W. NICHOLSON AND SONS, PRINTERS, WAKEFIELD.




RECITERS AND PENNY READINGS.


THE BEAUTIFUL RECITER;

Or a Collection of Entertaining, Pathetic, Witty, and Humorous Pieces,
and Dialogues, with a Selection of Martial, and Oratorical Pieces, in
Prose and Verse Price 1s. 6d.


THE EXCELSIOR RECITER;

Comprising Sentimental, Pathetic, Witty and Humourous Pieces;
Speeches, Narrations, &c., for Recitation at Evening Parties, Social,
Temperance and Band of Hope Meetings. By Professor Duncan. Price 1s.
6d.


PENNY READINGS and RECITATIONS;

In Prose and Verse, of most Interesting and Instructive Subjects,
Scientific, Historical, Witty, and Humorous. Adapted for Evening
Parties, &c. By Professor Duncan. First & Second Series. 1s. 6d. Each.


THE CHOICE RECITER;

For Evening Orations, and Beautiful and Humorous Readings for the
entertainment of Social, Temperance and other Popular Gatherings. By
Professor Duncan. 1s.


THE TEMPERANCE ORATOR;

Comprising Speeches, Readings, Dialogues, and Illustrations of the
Evils of Intemperance, &c., in Prose & Verse. By Professor Duncan. 1s.

Recitations from SHAKESPERE, and other Popular Authors. By Professor
Duncan. 6d.


THE RECITER FOR THE MILLIONS;

Consisting of Entertaining, Comic, and Humorous Pieces, Prose and
Poetry, many of which are original. By Professor Duncan. Cloth 9d.
Stiff Covers 6d.


THE SABBATH SCHOOL RECITER,

Adapted for Anniversaries, Tea Parties, Band of Hope Meetings, Social
Gatherings, &c. Price 1s. Bound, can also be had in 2 Parts, at 6d.
each.


The TEMPERANCE SPEAKER, First & Second Series, Price 6d. each. Bound
together, Cloth, 1s.


London: Published by W NICHOLSON & SONS,

20, WARWICK SQUARE, PATERNOSTER ROW. E.C.




Humorous Books.

Published by W. Nicholson & Sons, _London_.


PUNCH MADE FUNNIER BY JUDY.

Full of Rollicking, Laughable, and Witty Pieces. 6d.


JOLLY LAUGHS FOR JOLLY FOLKS,

Or Funny Jests and Stories, Jocular and Laughable Anecdotes,
Jonathanisms, John Bullers, and Paddyisms. 6d.


THE BOOK TO MAKE YOU LAUGH;

And to drive dull care away. By Andrew Hate-Gloom. Cloth Gilt Side 9d.
Stiff Covers 6d. 1d extra by Post.


THE RAILWAY BOOK OF FUN;

Comprising some of the Choicest Specimens of Anecdote, Wit, Humour,
Poetical Effusions, &c., extant. By Richard Brisk Esq. Cloth, 1s. By
Post 1s 2d.


THE MERRY COMPANION

For all readers. Containing a Choice Selection of the most Humorous
Anecdotes, Droll Sayings, Wit, Fun, and Comical Incidents, in Prose
and Poetry. To enliven dull hours. By Dr Merry. Cloth, 1s. By Post 1s
2d.


THE BOOK TO KEEP THE SPIRITS UP

In dull and gloomy hours. Comprising Manifestations of Fun, Mirth,
Humour, Drollery, Repartee, Wit, with Laughable Anecdotes, Incidents
and Poetry. By John Brighte Esq. Price 1s. By Post 2d. extra.


THE BOOK TO BRIGHTEN A GLOOMY FACE:

Or the Book to kill Gloom, Melancholy, Low Spirits, Nervousness,
Solemncholy, Dark Anticipations, Soul-killing Forbodings, and thoughts
of Suicide. By Cicero Merrysides. Price 1s. By Post 1s. 2d.


The FUNNIEST OF ALL FUN, and WITTIEST OF ALL WIT. Containing Jaw
Cracking Tales. 1s.

"_A Cheerful heart robs the Physician of his fee._"--_Virgil._

Catalogues may be had on Application.


       *       *       *       *       *




Transcriber's Note:

Obvious punctuation erors have been repaired.

There are a few pieces which contain some dialect. All dialect, period
spelling, etc., has been preserved.


Typographical errors have been corrected.


Errata:

p. 15: one instance of 'Snider' corrected to 'Snyder' for consistency.

p. 36: 'heayy' corrected to 'heavy' - "Poor Patrick toiled beneath his
heavy load."

p. 36: 'hiltop' corrected to 'hilltop' - "A hilltop gained,..."

p. 47: 'tress' corrected to 'trees' - "from the straightest trees;"

p. 74: 'Abl,' corrected to 'Alb' - "_Alb._ Not once, yet."

p. 101: 'too' corrected to 'to' - "darting restlessly to and fro,"

p. 103: 'beautitul' corrected to 'beautiful' - "This beautiful poem
should be recited"

p. 111: 'hugh' corrected to 'huge' - "his huge bulk and strength"

p. 125: 'Peace's' corrected to 'Pease's' - "JUNO, Miss Pease's
coloured help."

p. 126: 'Bres' corrected to 'Bress' - "_Juno._ Bress my soul!"

p. 141: 'it's' corrected to 'its' - "along with its good-will and
friendliness;"

p. 155: 'quite' corrected to 'quiet' - "A little meek-faced, quiet
village child,"







End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Universal Reciter, by Various

*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE UNIVERSAL RECITER ***

***** This file should be named 29477.txt or 29477.zip *****
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
        http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/4/7/29477/

Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jason Isbell, Afra Ullah and
the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
http://www.pgdp.net


Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.

Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
redistribution.



*** START: FULL LICENSE ***

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
http://gutenberg.org/license).


Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works

1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.  See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
States.

1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org

1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
1.E.9.

1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.

1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.

1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
that

- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."

- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
     License.  You must require such a user to return or
     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
     Project Gutenberg-tm works.

- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
     of receipt of the work.

- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.

1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.

1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.

1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.


Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm

Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.


Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.

The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
page at http://pglaf.org

For additional contact information:
     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
     Chief Executive and Director
     gbnewby@pglaf.org


Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit http://pglaf.org

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate


Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.

Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.


Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.


Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:

     http://www.gutenberg.org

This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.