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+ The Project Gutenberg eBook of Houlihan's Equation, by Walt Sheldon
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Houlihan's Equation, by Walt Sheldon
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Houlihan's Equation
+
+Author: Walt Sheldon
+
+Release Date: June 19, 2009 [EBook #29168]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOULIHAN'S EQUATION ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class="bk1"><p><i><small>Every writer must seek his own Flowery Kingdom in imagination's wide
+demesne, and if that search can begin and end on Earth his problem has
+been greatly simplified. In post-war Japan Walt Sheldon has found not only
+serenity, but complete freedom to write undisturbed about the things he
+treasures most. A one-time Air Force officer, he has turned to fantasy in
+his lighter moments, to bring us such brightly sparkling little gems as this.</small></i></p></div>
+
+<div class="bk2"><h1><b>houlihan's<br />
+equation</b></h1>
+
+<h2><small><i>by ... Walt Sheldon</i></small></h2>
+
+<p class="pr1"><b><big>The tiny spaceship had been built for a journey to a star. But its
+small, mischievous pilots had a rendezvous with destiny&mdash;on Earth.</big></b></p></div>
+
+<p class="cap"><span class="smcap">I&nbsp;must</span> admit that at first I
+wasn't sure I was hearing those
+noises. It was in a park near the
+nuclear propulsion center&mdash;a cool,
+green spot, with the leaves all telling
+each other to hush, be quiet,
+and the soft breeze stirring them up
+again. I had known precisely such
+a secluded little green sanctuary just
+over the hill from Mr. Riordan's
+farm when I was a boy.</p>
+
+<p>Now it was a place I came to
+when I had a problem to thrash out.
+That morning I had been trying to
+work out an equation to give the
+coefficient of discharge for the matter
+in combustion. You may call it
+gas, if you wish, for we treated it
+like gas at the center for convenience&mdash;as
+it came from the rocket
+tubes in our engine.</p>
+
+<p>Without this coefficient to give
+us control, we would have lacked a
+workable equation when we set
+about putting the first moon rocket
+around those extraordinary engines
+of ours, which were still in the undeveloped
+blueprint stage.</p>
+
+<p>I see I shall have to explain this,
+although I had hoped to get right
+along with my story. When you
+start from scratch, matter discharged
+from any orifice has a velocity directly
+proportional to the square
+root of the pressure-head driving it.
+But when you actually put things
+together, contractions or expansions
+in the gas, surface roughness
+and other factors make the velocity
+a bit smaller.</p>
+
+<p>At the terrible discharge speed
+of nuclear explosion&mdash;which is
+what the drive amounts to despite
+the fact that it is simply water in
+which nuclear salts have been previously
+dissolved&mdash;this small factor
+makes quite a difference. I had
+to figure everything into it&mdash;diameter
+of the nozzle, sharpness of the
+edge, the velocity of approach to the
+point of discharge, atomic weight
+and structure&mdash; Oh, there is so
+much of this that if you're not a
+nuclear engineer yourself it's certain
+to weary you.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps you had better take my
+word for it that without this equation&mdash;correctly
+stated, mind you&mdash;mankind
+would be well advised not
+to make a first trip to the moon.
+And all this talk of coefficients and
+equations sits strangely, you might
+say, upon the tongue of a man
+named Kevin Francis Houlihan.
+But I am, after all, a scientist. If I
+had not been a specialist in my field
+I would hardly have found myself
+engaged in vital research at the
+center.</p>
+
+<p>Anyway, I heard these little
+noises in the park. They sounded
+like small working sounds, blending
+in eerily mysterious fashion with a
+chorus of small voices. I thought at
+first it might be children at play,
+but then at the time I was a bit
+absent-minded. I tiptoed to the edge
+of the trees, not wanting to deprive
+any small scalawags of their pleasure,
+and peered out between the
+branches. And what do you suppose
+I saw? Not children, but a
+group of little people, hard at work.</p>
+
+<p>There was a leader, an older one
+with a crank face. He was beating
+the air with his arms and piping:
+"Over here, now! All right, bring
+those electrical connections over
+here&mdash;and see you're not slow as
+treacle about it!"</p>
+
+<p>There were perhaps fifty of the
+little people. I was more than startled
+by it, too. I had not seen little
+people in&mdash;oh, close to thirty years.
+I had seen them first as a boy of
+eight, and then, very briefly again,
+on my tenth birthday. And I had
+become convinced they could <i>never</i>
+be seen here in America. I had
+never seen them so busy, either.
+They were building something in
+the middle of the glade. It was long
+and shiny and upright and a little
+over five feet in height.</p>
+
+<p>"Come along now, people!" said
+this crotchety one, looking straight
+at me. "Stop starin' and get to
+work! You'll not be needin' to
+mind that man standin' there! You
+know he can't see nor hear us!"</p>
+
+<p>Oh, it was good to hear the rich
+old tongue again. I smiled, and the
+foreman of the leprechauns&mdash;if
+that's what he was&mdash;saw me smile
+and became stiff and alert for a moment,
+as though suspecting that perhaps
+I actually could see him. Then
+he shrugged and turned away, clearly
+deeming such a thing impossible.</p>
+
+<p>I said, "Just a minute, friend,
+and I'll beg your pardon. It so happens
+I <i>can</i> see you."</p>
+
+<p>He whirled to face me again,
+staring open-mouthed. Then he
+said, "What? What's that, now?"</p>
+
+<p>"I can see you," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Ohhh!" he said and put his
+palms to his cheekbones. "Saints be
+with us! He's a believer! Run everybody&mdash;run
+for your lives!"</p>
+
+<p>And they all began running, in
+as many directions as there were
+little souls. They began to scurry
+behind the trees and bushes, and a
+sloping embankment nearby.</p>
+
+<p>"No, wait!" I said. "Don't go
+away! I'll not be hurting you!"</p>
+
+<p>They continued to scurry.</p>
+
+<p>I knew what it was they feared.
+"I don't intend catching one of
+you!" I said. "Come back, you daft
+little creatures!"</p>
+
+<p>But the glade was silent, and they
+had all disappeared. They thought I
+wanted their crock of gold, of
+course. I'd be entitled to it if I could
+catch one and keep him. Or so the
+legends affirmed, though I've wondered
+often about the truth of them.
+But I was after no gold. I only wanted
+to hear the music of an Irish
+tongue. I was lonely here in America,
+even if I had latched on to a fine
+job of work for almost shamefully
+generous pay. You see, in a place as
+full of science as the nuclear propulsion
+center there is not much
+time for the old things. I very much
+wanted to talk to the little people.</p>
+
+<p>I walked over to the center of
+the glade where the curious shiny
+object was standing. It was as
+smooth as glass and shaped like a
+huge cigar. There were a pair of
+triangular fins down at the bottom,
+and stubby wings amidships. Of
+course it was a spaceship, or a
+miniature replica of one. I looked
+at it more closely. Everything seemed
+almost miraculously complete
+and workable.</p>
+
+<p>I shook my head in wonder, then
+stepped back from the spaceship
+and looked about the glade. I knew
+they were all hiding nearby, watching
+me apprehensively. I lifted my
+head to them.</p>
+
+<p>"Listen to me now, little people!"
+I called out. "My name's
+Houlihan of the Roscommon Houlihans.
+I am descended from King
+Niall himself&mdash;or so at least my
+father used to say! Come on out
+now, and pass the time o' day!"</p>
+
+<p>Then I waited, but they didn't
+answer. The little people always
+had been shy. Yet without reaching
+a decision in so many words I knew
+suddenly that I <i>had</i> to talk to them.
+I'd come to the glen to work out a
+knotty problem, and I was up
+against a blank wall. Simply because
+I was so lonely that my mind had
+become clogged.</p>
+
+<p>I knew that if I could just once
+hear the old tongue again, and talk
+about the old things, I might be able
+to think the problem through to a
+satisfactory conclusion.</p>
+
+<p>So I stepped back to the tiny
+spaceship, and this time I struck it
+a resounding blow with my fist.
+"Hear me now, little people! If you
+don't show yourselves and come out
+and talk to me, I'll wreck this spaceship
+from stem to stern!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I heard only the leaves rustling
+softly.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you understand? I'll give
+you until I count three to make an
+appearance! One!"</p>
+
+<p>The glade remained deathly silent.</p>
+
+<p>"Two!"</p>
+
+<p>I thought I heard a stirring somewhere,
+as if a small, brittle twig had
+snapped in the underbrush.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Three!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>And with that the little people
+suddenly appeared.</p>
+
+<p>The leader&mdash;he seemed more
+wizened and bent than before&mdash;approached
+me slowly and warily as I
+stood there. The others all followed
+at a safe distance. I smiled to reassure
+them and then waved my arm
+in a friendly gesture of greeting.</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning," the foreman
+said with some caution. "My name
+is Keech."</p>
+
+<p>"And mine's Houlihan, as I've
+told you. Are you convinced now
+that I have no intention of doing
+you any injury?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Houlihan," said Keech,
+drawing a kind of peppered dignity
+up about himself, "in such matters
+I am never fully convinced. After
+living for many centuries I am all
+too acutely aware of the perversity
+of human nature."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I said. "Well, as you will
+quickly see, all I want to do is
+talk." I nodded as I spoke, and sat
+down cross-legged upon the grass.</p>
+
+<p>"Any Irishman wants to talk, Mr.
+Houlihan."</p>
+
+<p>"And often that's <i>all</i> he wants,"
+I said. "Sit down with me now, and
+stop staring as if I were a snake
+returned to the Island."</p>
+
+<p>He shook his head and remained
+standing. "Have your say, Mr.
+Houlihan. And afterward we'll appreciate
+it if you'll go away and
+leave us to our work."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, your work," I said,
+and glanced at the spaceship.
+"That's exactly what's got me curious."</p>
+
+<p>The others had edged in a bit
+now and were standing in a circle,
+intently staring at me. I took out my
+pipe. "Why," I asked, "would a
+group of little people be building a
+spaceship here in America&mdash;out in
+this lonely place?"</p>
+
+<p>Keech stared back without much
+expression, and said, "I've been
+wondering how you guessed it was
+a spaceship. I was surprised enough
+when you told me you could see us
+but not overwhelmingly so. I've run
+into believers before who could see
+the little people. It happens every
+so often, though not as frequently
+as it did a century ago. But knowing
+a spaceship at first glance! Well, I
+must confess that <i>does</i> astonish
+me."</p>
+
+<p>"And why wouldn't I know a
+spaceship when I see one?" I said.
+"It just so happens I'm a doctor of
+science."</p>
+
+<p>"A doctor of science, now," said
+Keech.</p>
+
+<p>"Invited by the American government
+to work on the first moon
+rocket here at the nuclear propulsion
+center. Since it's no secret I
+can advise you of it."</p>
+
+<p>"A scientist, is it," said Keech.
+"Well, now, that's very interesting."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll make no apologies for it," I
+said.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, there's no need for apology,"
+said Keech. "Though in truth
+we prefer poets to scientists. But it
+has just now crossed my mind, Mr.
+Houlihan that you, being a scientist,
+might be of help to us."</p>
+
+<p>"How?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I might try starting at the
+beginning," he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"You might," I said. "A man
+usually does."</p>
+
+<p>Keech took out his own pipe&mdash;a
+clay dudeen&mdash;and looked hopeful.
+I gave him a pinch of tobacco from
+my pouch. "Well, now," he said,
+"first of all you're no doubt surprised
+to find us here in America."</p>
+
+<p>"I am surprised from time to
+time to find myself here," I said.
+"But continue."</p>
+
+<p>"We had to come here," said
+Keech, "to learn how to make a
+spaceship."</p>
+
+<p>"A spaceship, now," I said, unconsciously
+adopting some of the
+old manner.</p>
+
+<p>"Leprechauns are not really mechanically
+inclined," said Keech.
+"Their major passions are music
+and laughter and mischief, as anyone
+knows."</p>
+
+<p>"Myself included," I agreed.
+"Then why do you need a spaceship?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if I may use an old expression,
+we've had a feelin' lately
+that we're not long for this world.
+Or let me put it this way. We feel
+the world isn't long for itself."</p>
+
+<p>I scratched my cheek. "How
+would a man unravel a statement
+such as that?"</p>
+
+<p>"It's very simple. With all the
+super weapons you mortals have
+developed, there's the distinct possibility
+you might be blowin' us all
+up in the process of destroying
+yourselves."</p>
+
+<p>"There <i>is</i> that possibility," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then, as I say," said
+Keech, "the little people have decided
+to leave the planet in a spaceship.
+Which we're buildin' here and
+now. We've spied upon you and
+learned how to do it. Well&mdash;almost
+how to do it. We haven't learned
+yet how to control the power&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on, now," I said. "Leaving
+the planet, you say. And where
+would you be going?"</p>
+
+<p>"There's another committee
+working on that. 'Tis not our concern.
+I was inclined to suggest the
+constellation Orion, which sounds
+as though it has a good Irish name,
+but I was hooted down. Be that as it
+may, my own job was to go into
+your nuclear center, learn how to
+make the ship, and proceed with its
+construction. Naturally, we didn't
+understand all of your high-flyin'
+science, but some of our people are
+pretty clever at gettin' up replicas
+of things."</p>
+
+<p>"You mean you've been spying
+on us at the center all this time? Do
+you know, we often had the feeling
+we were being watched, but we
+thought it was by the Russians.
+There's one thing which puzzles
+me, though. If you've been constantly
+around us&mdash;and I'm still
+able to see the little people&mdash;why
+did I never see you before?"</p>
+
+<p>"It may be we never crossed your
+path. It may be you can only see us
+when you're thinkin' of us, and of
+course truly believin' in us. I don't
+know&mdash;'tis a thing of the mind, and
+not important at the moment.
+What's important is for us to get
+our first ship to workin' properly
+and then we'll be on our way."</p>
+
+<p>"You're determined to go."</p>
+
+<p>"Truly we are, Mr. Houlihan.
+Now&mdash;to business. Just during
+these last few minutes a certain matter
+has crossed my mind. That's
+why I'm wastin' all this time with
+you, sir. You say you are a scientist."</p>
+
+<p>"A nuclear engineer."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then, it may be that you
+can help us&mdash;now that you know
+we're here."</p>
+
+<p>"Help you?"</p>
+
+<p>"The power control, Mr. Houlihan.
+As I understand it, 'tis necessary
+to know at any instant exactly
+how much thrust is bein' delivered
+through the little holes in back.
+And on paper it looks simple
+enough&mdash;the square of somethin' or
+other. I've got the figures jotted in
+a book when I need 'em. But when
+you get to doin' it it doesn't come
+out exactly as it does on paper."</p>
+
+<p>"You're referring to the necessity
+for a coefficient of discharge."</p>
+
+<p>"Whatever it might be named,"
+said Keech, shrugging. "'Tis the
+one thing we lack. I suppose eventually
+you people will be gettin'
+around to it. But meanwhile we
+need it right now, if we're to make
+our ship move."</p>
+
+<p>"And you want me to help you
+with this?"</p>
+
+<p>"That is exactly what crossed my
+mind."</p>
+
+<p>I nodded and looked grave and
+kneaded my chin for a moment softly.
+"Well, now, Keech," I said
+finally, "why should I help you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ha!" said Keech, grinning, but
+not with humor, "the avarice of
+humans! I knew it! Well, Mr. Houlihan,
+I'll give you reason enough.
+The pot o' gold, Mr. Houlihan!"</p>
+
+<p>"The one at the end of the rainbow?"</p>
+
+<p>"It's not at the end of the rainbow.
+That's a grandmother's tale.
+Nor is it actually in an earthen
+crock. But there's gold, all right,
+enough to make you rich for the
+rest of your life. And I'll make you
+a proposition."</p>
+
+<p>"Go ahead."</p>
+
+<p>"We'll not be needin' gold where
+we're goin'. It's yours if you show
+us how to make our ship work."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, that's quite an
+offer," I said. Keech had the goodness
+to be quiet while I sat and
+thought for a while. My pipe had
+gone out and I lit it again. I finally
+said, "Let's have a look at your
+ship's drive and see what we can
+see."</p>
+
+<p>"You accept the proposition
+then?"</p>
+
+<p>"Let's have a look," I said, and
+that was all.</p>
+
+<p>Well, we had a look, and then
+several looks, and before the morning
+was out we had half the spaceship
+apart, and were deep in argument
+about the whole project.</p>
+
+<p>It was a most fascinating session.
+I had often wished for a true working
+model at the center, but no allowance
+had been inserted in the
+budget for it. Keech brought me
+paper and pencil and I talked with
+the aid of diagrams, as engineers
+are wont to do. Although the pencils
+were small and I had to hold
+them between thumb and forefinger,
+as you would a needle, I was
+able to make many sensible observations
+and even a few innovations.</p>
+
+<p>I came back again the next day&mdash;and
+every day for the following
+two weeks. It rained several times,
+but Keech and his people made a
+canopy of boughs and leaves and I
+was comfortable enough. Every once
+in a while someone from the town
+or the center itself would pass by,
+and stop to watch me. But of course
+they wouldn't see the leprechauns
+or anything the leprechauns had
+made, not being believers.</p>
+
+<p>I would halt work, pass the time
+of day, and then, in subtle fashion,
+send the intruder on his way. Keech
+and the little people just stood by
+and grinned all the while.</p>
+
+<p>At the end of sixteen days I had
+the entire problem all but whipped.
+It is not difficult to understand why.
+The working model and the fact
+that the small people with their
+quick eyes and clever fingers could
+spot all sorts of minute shortcomings
+was a great help. And I was
+hearing the old tongue and talking
+of the old things every day, and
+truly that went far to take the clutter
+out of my mind. I was no longer
+so lonely that I couldn't think properly.</p>
+
+<p>On the sixteenth day I covered a
+piece of paper with tiny mathematical
+symbols and handed it to Keech.
+"Here is your equation," I said. "It
+will enable you to know your thrust
+at any given moment, under any
+circumstances, in or out of gravity,
+and under all conditions of friction
+and combustion."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you, Mr. Houlihan," said
+Keech. All his people had gathered
+in a loose circle, as though attending
+a rite. They were all looking at
+me quietly.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Houlihan," said Keech,
+"you will not be forgotten by the
+leprechauns. If we ever meet again,
+upon another world perchance,
+you'll find our friendship always
+eager and ready."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"And now, Mr. Houlihan," said
+Keech, "I'll see that a quantity of
+gold is delivered to your rooms tonight,
+and so keep my part of the
+bargain."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll not be needing the gold," I
+said.</p>
+
+<p>Keech's eyebrows popped upward.
+"What's this now?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll not be needing it," I repeated.
+"I don't feel it would be
+right to take it for a service of this
+sort."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Keech in surprise,
+and in some awe, too, "well, now,
+musha Lord help us! 'Tis the first
+time I ever heard such a speech
+from a mortal." He turned to his
+people. "We'll have three cheers
+now, do you hear, for Mr. Houlihan&mdash;friend
+of the little people as
+long as he shall live!"</p>
+
+<p>And they cheered. And little tears
+crept into the corners of some of
+their turned-up eyes.</p>
+
+<p>We shook hands, all of us, and I
+left.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I walked through the park, and
+back to the nuclear propulsion center.
+It was another cool, green morning
+with the leaves making only
+soft noises as the breezes came
+along. It smelled exactly like a
+wood I had known in Roscommon.</p>
+
+<p>And I lit my pipe and smoked it
+slowly and chuckled to myself at
+how I had gotten the best of the
+little people. Surely it was not every
+mortal who could accomplish that. I
+had given them the wrong equation,
+of course. They would never get
+their spaceship to work now, and
+later, if they tried to spy out the
+right information I would take special
+measures to prevent it, for I had
+the advantage of being able to see
+them.</p>
+
+<p>As for our own rocket ship, it
+should be well on its way by next
+St. Patrick's Day. For I had indeed
+determined the true coefficient of
+discharge, which I never could have
+done so quickly without those sessions
+in the glade with Keech and
+his working model.</p>
+
+<p>It would go down in scientific
+literature now, I suppose, as Houlihan's
+Equation, and that was honor
+and glory enough for me. I could
+do without Keech's pot of gold,
+though it would have been pleasant
+to be truly rich for a change.</p>
+
+<p>There was no sense in cheating
+him out of the gold to boot, for
+leprechauns are most clever in matters
+of this sort and he would have
+had it back soon enough&mdash;or else
+made it a burden in some way.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, I had done a piece of
+work greatly to my advantage, and
+also to the advantage of humankind,
+and when a man can do the first and
+include the second as a fortunate byproduct
+it is a most happy accident.</p>
+
+<p>For if I had shown the little people
+how to make a spaceship they
+would have left our world. And
+this world, as long as it lasts&mdash;what
+would it be in that event? I ask you
+now, wouldn't we be even <i>more</i>
+likely to blow ourselves to Kingdom
+Come without the little people here
+for us to believe in every now and
+then?</p>
+
+<div class="trn"><b>Transcriber's Note:</b>
+This etext was produced from <i>Fantastic Universe</i> September 1955.
+Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S.
+copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and
+typographical errors have been corrected without note.</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Houlihan's Equation, by Walt Sheldon
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