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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.07.00*END* + + + + + +This etext was prepared by David Widger, <widger@cecomet.net> + + + + + +PLAYS + +THE FOURTH SERIES + +BY +JOHN GALSWORTHY + + + +PLAYS in the FOURTH SERIES + +A BIT O' LOVE + THE FOUNDATIONS + THE SKIN GAME + + + + +THE FOUNDATIONS + +(AN EXTRAVAGANT PLAY) + + + + +PERSONS OF THE PLAY + +LORD WILLIAM DROMONDY, M.P. +LADY WILLIAM DROMONDY +LITTLE ANNE +MISS STOKES +MR. POULDER +JAMES +HENRY +THOMAS +CHARLES +THE PRESS +LEMMY +OLD MRS. LEMMY +LITTLE AIDA +THE DUKE OF EXETER + +Some ANTI-SWEATERS; Some SWEATED WORKERS; and a CROWD + + + + +SCENES + +SCENE I. The cellar at LORD WILLIAM DROMONDY'S in Park Lane. + +SCENE II. The room of old MRS. LEMMY in Bethnal Green. + +SCENE III. Ante-room of the hall at LORD WILLIAM DROMONDY'S + + + +The Action passes continuously between 8 and 10.30 of a +summer evening, some years after the Great War. + + + + +ACT I + + +LORD WILLIAM DROMONDY'S mansion in Park Lane. Eight o'clock of the +evening. LITTLE ANNE DROMONDY and the large footman, JAMES, gaunt +and grin, discovered in the wine cellar, by light of gas. JAMES, in +plush breeches, is selecting wine. + +L. ANNE: James, are you really James? + +JAMES. No, my proper name's John. + +L. ANNE. Oh! [A pause] And is Charles's an improper name too? + +JAMES. His proper name's Mark. + +L. ANNE. Then is Thomas Matthew? + +JAMES. Miss Anne, stand clear o' that bin. You'll put your foot +through one o' those 'ock bottles. + +L. ANNE. No, but James--Henry might be Luke, really? + +JAMES. Now shut it, Miss Anne! + +L. ANNE. Who gave you those names? Not your godfathers and +godmothers? + +JAMES. Poulder. Butlers think they're the Almighty. [Gloomily] +But his name's Bartholomew. + +L. ANNE. Bartholomew Poulder? It's rather jolly. + +JAMES. It's hidjeous. + +L. ANNE. Which do you like to be called--John or James? + +JAMES. I don't give a darn. + +L. ANNE. What is a darn? + +JAMES. 'Tain't in the dictionary. + +L. ANNE. Do you like my name? Anne Dromondy? It's old, you know. +But it's funny, isn't it? + +JAMES. [Indifferently] It'll pass. + +L. ANNE. How many bottles have you got to pick out? + +JAMES. Thirty-four. + +L. ANNE. Are they all for the dinner, or for the people who come in +to the Anti-Sweating Meeting afterwards? + +JAMES. All for the dinner. They give the Sweated--tea. + +L. ANNE. All for the dinner? They'll drink too much, won't they? + +JAMES. We've got to be on the safe side. + +L. ANNE. Will it be safer if they drink too much? + + [JAMES pauses in the act of dusting a bottle to look at her, as + if suspecting irony.] + +[Sniffing] Isn't the smell delicious here-like the taste of cherries +when they've gone bad--[She sniffs again] and mushrooms; and boot +blacking. + +JAMES. That's the escape of gas. + +L. ANNE. Has the plumber's man been? + +JAMES. Yes. + +L. ANNE. Which one? + +JAMES. Little blighter I've never seen before. + +L. ANNE. What is a little blighter? Can I see? + +JAMES. He's just gone. + +L. ANNE. [Straying] Oh! . . . James, are these really the +foundations? + +JAMES. You might 'arf say so. There's a lot under a woppin' big +house like this; you can't hardly get to the bottom of it. + +L. ANNE. Everything's built on something, isn't it? And what's THAT +built on? + +JAMES. Ask another. + +L. ANNE. If you wanted to blow it up, though, you'd have to begin +from here, wouldn't you? + +JAMES. Who'd want to blow it up? + +L. ANNE. It would make a mess in Park Lane. + +JAMES. I've seen a lot bigger messes than this'd make, out in the +war. + +L. ANNE. Oh! but that's years ago! Was it like this in the +trenches, James? + +JAMES. [Grimly] Ah! 'Cept that you couldn't lay your 'and on a +bottle o' port when you wanted one. + +L. ANNE. Do you, when you want it, here? + +JAMES. [On guard] I only suggest it's possible. + +L. ANNE. Perhaps Poulder does. + +JAMES. [Icily] I say nothin' about that. + +L. ANNE. Oh! Do say something! + +JAMES. I'm ashamed of you, Miss Anne, pumpin' me! + +L. ANNE. [Reproachfully] I'm not pumpin'! I only want to make +Poulder jump when I ask him. + +JAMES. [Grinning] Try it on your own responsibility, then; don't +bring me in! + +L. ANNE. [Switching off] James, do you think there's going to be a +bloody revolution? + +JAMES. [Shocked] I shouldn't use that word, at your age. + +L. ANNE. Why not? Daddy used it this morning to Mother. +[Imitating] "The country's in an awful state, darling; there's going +to be a bloody revolution, and we shall all be blown sky-high." Do +you like Daddy? + +JAMES. [Taken aback] Like Lord William? What do you think? We +chaps would ha' done anything for him out there in the war. + +L. ANNE. He never says that he always says he'd have done anything +for you! + +JAMES. Well--that's the same thing. + +L. ANNE. It isn't--it's the opposite. What is class hatred, James? + +JAMES. [Wisely] Ah! A lot o' people thought when the war was over +there'd be no more o' that. [He sniggers] Used to amuse me to read +in the papers about the wonderful unity that was comin'. I could ha' +told 'em different. + +L. ANNE. Why should people hate? I like everybody. + +JAMES. You know such a lot o' people, don't you? + +L. ANNE. Well, Daddy likes everybody, and Mother likes everybody, +except the people who don't like Daddy. I bar Miss Stokes, of +course; but then, who wouldn't? + +JAMES. [With a touch of philosophy] That's right--we all bars them +that tries to get something out of us. + +L. ANNE. Who do you bar, James? + +JAMES. Well--[Enjoying the luxury of thought]--Speaking generally, I +bar everybody that looks down their noses at me. Out there in the +trenches, there'd come a shell, and orf'd go some orficer's head, an' +I'd think: That might ha' been me--we're all equal in the sight o' +the stars. But when I got home again among the torfs, I says to +meself: Out there, ye know, you filled a hole as well as me; but here +you've put it on again, with mufti. + +L. ANNE. James, are your breeches made of mufti? + +JAMES. [Contemplating his legs with a certain contempt] Ah! +Footmen were to ha' been off; but Lord William was scared we wouldn't +get jobs in the rush. We're on his conscience, and it's on my +conscience that I've been on his long enough--so, now I've saved a +bit, I'm goin' to take meself orf it. + +L. ANNE. Oh! Are you going? Where? + +JAMES. [Assembling the last bottles] Out o' Blighty! + +L. ANNE. Is a little blighter a little Englishman? + +JAMES. [Embarrassed] Well-'e can be. + +L. ANNE [Mining] James--we're quite safe down here, aren't we, in a +revolution? Only, we wouldn't have fun. Which would you rather--be +safe, or have fun? + +JAMES. [Grimly] Well, I had my bit o' fun in the war. + +L. ANNE. I like fun that happens when you're not looking. + +JAMES. Do you? You'd ha' been just suited. + +L. ANNE. James, is there a future life? Miss Stokes says so. + +JAMES. It's a belief, in the middle classes. + +L. ANNE. What are the middle classes? + +JAMES. Anything from two 'undred a year to supertax. + +L. ANNE. Mother says they're terrible. Is Miss Stokes middle class? + +JAMES. Yes. + +L. ANNE. Then I expect they are terrible. She's awfully virtuous, +though, isn't she? + +JAMES. 'Tisn't so much the bein' virtuous, as the lookin' it, that's +awful. + +L. ANNE. Are all the middle classes virtuous? Is Poulder? + +JAMES. [Dubiously] Well. Ask him! + +L. ANNE. Yes, I will. Look! + + [From an empty bin on the ground level she picks up a lighted + taper,--burnt almost to the end.] + +JAMES. [Contemplating it] Careless! + +L. Ate. Oh! And look! [She paints to a rounded metal object lying +in the bin, close to where the taper was] It's a bomb! + +She is about to pick it up when JAMES takes her by the waist and puts +her aside. + +JAMES. [Sternly] You stand back, there! I don't like the look o' +that! + +L. ANNE. [With intense interest] Is it really a bomb? What fun! + +JAMES. Go and fetch Poulder while I keep an eye on it. + +L. ANNE. [On tiptoe of excitement] If only I can make him jump! +Oh, James! we needn't put the light out, need we? + +JAMES. No. Clear off and get him, and don't you come back. + +L. ANNE. Oh! but I must! I found it! + +JAMES. Cut along. + +L. ANNE. Shall we bring a bucket? + +JAMES. Yes. [ANNE flies off.] + + [Gazing at the object] Near go! Thought I'd seen enough o' + them to last my time. That little gas blighter! He looked a + rum 'un, too--one o' these 'ere Bolshies.] + + [In the presence of this grim object the habits of the past are + too much for him. He sits on the ground, leaning against one of + the bottle baskets, keeping his eyes on the bomb, his large, + lean, gorgeous body spread, one elbow on his plush knee. Taking + out an empty pipe, he places it mechanically, bowl down, between + his dips. There enter, behind him, as from a communication + trench, POULDER, in swallow-tails, with LITTLE ANNE behind him. + +L. ANNE. [Peering round him--ecstatic] Hurrah! Not gone off yet! +It can't--can it--while James is sitting on it? + +POULDER. [Very broad and stout, with square shoulders,--a large +ruddy face, and a small mouth] No noise, Miss. -- James. + +JAMES. Hallo! + +POULDER. What's all this? + +JAMES. Bomb! + +POULDER. Miss Anne, off you go, and don't you---- + +L. ANNE. Come back again! I know! [She flies.] + +JAMES. [Extending his hand with the pipe in it] See! + +POULDER. [Severely] You've been at it again! Look here, you're not +in the trenches now. Get up! What are your breeches goin' to be +like? You might break a bottle any moment! + +JAMES. [Rising with a jerk to a sort of "Attention!"] Look here, +you starched antiquity, you and I and that bomb are here in the sight +of the stars. If you don't look out I'll stamp on it and blow us all +to glory! Drop your civilian swank! + +POULDER. [Seeing red] Ho! Because you had the privilege of +fightin' for your country you still think you can put it on, do you? +Take up your wine! 'Pon my word, you fellers have got no nerve left! + + [JAMES makes a sudden swoop, lifts the bomb and poises it in + both hands. POULDER recoils against a bin and gazes, at the + object.] + +JAMES. Put up your hands! + +POULDER. I defy you to make me ridiculous. + +JAMES. [Fiercely] Up with 'em! + + [POULDER'S hands go up in an uncontrollable spasm, which he + subdues almost instantly, pulling them down again. + +JAMES. Very good. [He lowers the bomb.] + +POULDER. [Surprised] I never lifted 'em. + +JAMES. You'd have made a first-class Boche, Poulder. Take the bomb +yourself; you're in charge of this section. + +POULDER. [Pouting] It's no part of my duty to carry menial objects; +if you're afraid of it I'll send 'Enry. + +JAMES. Afraid! You 'Op o' me thumb! + + [From the "communication trench" appears LITTLE ANNE, followed + by a thin, sharp, sallow-faced man of thirty-five or so, and + another FOOTMAN, carrying a wine-cooler. + +L. ANNE. I've brought the bucket, and the Press. + +PRESS. [In front of POULDER'S round eyes and mouth] Ah, major domo, +I was just taking the names of the Anti-Sweating dinner. [He catches +sight of the bomb in JAMES'S hand] By George! What A.1. irony! [He +brings out a note-book and writes] "Highest class dining to relieve +distress of lowest class-bombed by same!" Tipping! [He rubs his +hands]. + +POULDER. [Drawing himself up] Sir? This is present! [He indicates +ANNE with the flat of his hand.] + +L. ANNE. I found the bomb. + +PRESS. [Absorbed] By Jove! This is a piece of luck! [He writes.] + +POULDER. [Observing him] This won't do--it won't do at all! + +PRESS. [Writing-absorbed] "Beginning of the British Revolution!" + +POULDER. [To JAMES] Put it in the cooler. 'Enry, 'old up the +cooler. Gently! Miss Anne, get be'ind the Press. + +JAMES. [Grimly--holding the bomb above the cooler] It won't be the +Press that'll stop Miss Anne's goin' to 'Eaven if one o' this sort +goes off. Look out! I'm goin' to drop it. + + [ALL recoil. HENRY puts the cooler down and backs away.] + +L. ANNE. [Dancing forward] Oh! Let me see! I missed all the war, +you know! + + [JAMES lowers the bomb into the cooler.] + +POULDER. [Regaining courage--to THE PRESS, who is scribbling in his +note-book] If you mention this before the police lay their hands on +it, it'll be contempt o' Court. + +PRESS. [Struck] I say, major domo, don't call in the police! +That's the last resort. Let me do the Sherlocking for you. Who's +been down here? + +L. ANNE. The plumber's man about the gas---a little blighter we'd +never seen before. + +JAMES. Lives close by, in Royal Court Mews--No. 3. I had a word +with him before he came down. Lemmy his name is. + +PRESS. "Lemmy!" [Noting the address] Right-o! + +L. ANNE. Oh! Do let me come with you! + +POULDER. [Barring the way] I've got to lay it all before Lord +William. + +PRESS. Ah! What's he like? + +POULDER. [With dignity] A gentleman, sir. + +PRESS. Then he won't want the police in. + +POULDER. Nor the Press, if I may go so far, as to say so. + +PRESS. One to you! But I defy you to keep this from the Press, +major domo: This is the most significant thing that has happened in +our time. Guy Fawkes is nothing to it. The foundations of Society +reeling! By George, it's a second Bethlehem! + + [He writes.] + +POULDER. [To JAMES] Take up your wine and follow me. 'Enry, bring +the cooler. Miss Anne, precede us. [To THE PRESS] You defy me? +Very well; I'm goin' to lock you up here. + +PRESS. [Uneasy] I say this is medieval. + + [He attempts to pass.] + +POULDER. [Barring the way] Not so! James, put him up in that empty +'ock bin. We can't have dinner disturbed in any way. + +JAMES. [Putting his hands on THE PRESS'S shoulders] Look here--go +quiet! I've had a grudge against you yellow newspaper boys ever +since the war--frothin' up your daily hate, an' makin' the Huns +desperate. You nearly took my life five hundred times out there. If +you squeal, I'm gain' to take yours once--and that'll be enough. + +PRESS. That's awfully unjust. Im not yellow! + +JAMES. Well, you look it. Hup. + +PRESS. Little Lady-Anne, haven't you any authority with these +fellows? + +L. ANNE. [Resisting Poulard's pressure] I won't go! I simply must +see James put him up! + +PRESS. Now, I warn you all plainly--there'll be a leader on this. + + [He tries to bolt but is seized by JAMES.] + +JAMES. [Ironically] Ho! + +PRESS. My paper has the biggest influence + +JAMES. That's the one! Git up in that 'ock bin, and mind your feet +among the claret. + +PRESS. This is an outrage on the Press. + +JAMES. Then it'll wipe out one by the Press on the Public--an' leave +just a million over! Hup! + +POULDER. 'Enry, give 'im an 'and. + + [THE PRESS mounts, assisted by JAMES and HENRY.] + +L. ANNE. [Ecstatic] It's lovely! + +POULDER. [Nervously] Mind the '87! Mind! + +JAMES. Mind your feet in Mr. Poulder's favourite wine! + + [A WOMAN'S voice is heard, as from the depths of a cave, calling + "Anne! Anne!"] + +L. ANNE. [Aghast] Miss Stokes--I must hide! + + [She gets behind POULDER. The three Servants achieve dignified + positions in front of the bins. The voice comes nearer. THE + PRESS sits dangling his feet, grinning. MISS STOKES appears. + She is woman of forty-five and terribly good manners. Her + greyish hair is rolled back off her forehead. She is in a high + evening dress, and in the dim light radiates a startled + composure. + +MISS STOKES. Poulder, where is Miss Anne? + + [ANNE lays hold of the backs of his legs.] + +POULDER. [Wincing] I am not in a position to inform you, Miss. + +MISS S. They told me she was down here. And what is all this about +a bomb? + +POULDER. [Lifting his hand in a calming manner] The crisis is past; +we have it in ice, Miss. 'Enry, show Miss Stokes! [HENRY indicates +the cooler.] + +MISS S. Good gracious! Does Lord William know? + +POULDER. Not at present, Miss. + +MISS S. But he ought to, at once. + +POULDER. We 'ave 'ad complications. + +MISS S. [Catching sight of the legs of THE PRESS] Dear me! What +are those? + +JAMES. [Gloomily] The complications. + + [MISS STOKES pins up her glasses and stares at them.] + +PRESS. [Cheerfully] Miss Stokes, would you kindly tell Lord William +I'm here from the Press, and would like to speak to him? + +MISS S. But--er--why are you up there? + +JAMES. 'E got up out o' remorse, Miss. + +MISS S. What do you mean, James? + +PRESS. [Warmly] Miss Stokes, I appeal to you. Is it fair to +attribute responsibility to an unsigned journalist--for what he has +to say? + +JAMES. [Sepulchrally] Yes, when you've got 'im in a nice dark +place. + +MISS. S. James, be more respectful! We owe the Press a very great +debt. + +JAMES. I'm goin' to pay it, Miss. + +MISS S. [At a loss] Poulder, this is really most---- + +POULDER. I'm bound to keep the Press out of temptation, miss, till +I've laid it all before Lord William. 'Enry, take up the cooler. +James, watch 'im till we get clear, then bring on the rest of the +wine and lock up. Now, Miss. + +MISS S. But where is Anne? + +PRESS. Miss Stokes, as a lady----! + +MISS S. I shall go and fetch Lord William! + +POULDER. We will all go, Miss. + +L. ANNE. [Rushing out from behind his legs] No--me! + + [She eludes MISS STOKES and vanishes, followed by that + distracted but still well-mannered lady. + +POULDER. [Looking at his watch] 'Enry, leave the cooler, and take +up the wine; tell Thomas to lay it out; get the champagne into ice, +and 'ave Charles 'andy in the 'all in case some literary bounder +comes punctual. + + [HENRY takes up the wine and goes.] + +PRESS. [Above his head] I say, let me down. This is a bit +undignified, you know. My paper's a great organ. + +POULDER. [After a moment's hesitation] Well--take 'im down, James; +he'll do some mischief among the bottles. + +JAMES. 'Op off your base, and trust to me. + + [THE, PRESS slides off the bin's edge, is received by JAMES, and + not landed gently.] + +POULDER. [Contemplating him] The incident's closed; no ill-feeling, +I hope? + +PRESS. No-o. + +POULDER. That's right. [Clearing his throat] While we're waitin' +for Lord William--if you're interested in wine--[Philosophically] +you can read the history of the times in this cellar. Take 'ock: [He +points to a bin] Not a bottle gone. German product, of course. +Now, that 'ock is 'sa 'avin' the time of its life--maturin' grandly; +got a wonderful chance. About the time we're bringin' ourselves to +drink it, we shall be havin' the next great war. With luck that 'ock +may lie there another quarter of a century, and a sweet pretty wine +it'll be. I only hope I may be here to drink it. Ah! [He shakes his +head]--but look at claret! Times are hard on claret. We're givin' +it an awful doin'. Now, there's a Ponty Canny [He points to a bin]- +if we weren't so 'opelessly allied with France, that wine would have +a reasonable future. As it is--none! We drink it up and up; not +more than sixty dozen left. And where's its equal to come from for a +dinner wine--ah! I ask you? On the other hand, port is steady; made +in a little country, all but the cobwebs and the old boot flavour; +guaranteed by the British Nary; we may 'ope for the best with port. +Do you drink it? + +PRESS. When I get the chance. + +POULDER. Ah! [Clears his throat] I've often wanted to ask: What do +they pay you--if it's not indelicate? + +[THE PRESS shrugs his shoulders.] + +Can you do it at the money? + +[THE PRESS shakes his head. Still--it's an easy life! I've +regretted sometimes that I didn't have a shot at it myself; +influencin' other people without disclosin' your identity--something +very attractive about that. [Lowering his voice] Between man and +man, now-what do you think of the situation of the country--these +processions of the unemployed--the Red Flag an' the Marsillaisy in +the streets--all this talk about an upheaval? + +PRESS. Well, speaking as a Socialist---- + +POULDER. [Astounded] Why; I thought your paper was Tory! + +PRESS. So it is. That's nothing! + +POULDER. [Open-mouthed] Dear me! [Pointing to the bomb] Do you +really think there's something in this? + +JAMES. [Sepulchrally] 'Igh explosive. + +PRESS. [Taking out his note-book] Too much, anyway, to let it drop. + + [A pleasant voice calls "Poulder! Hallo!".] + +POULDER. [Forming a trumpet with his hand] Me Lord! + + [As LORD WILLIAM appears, JAMES, overcome by reminiscences; + salutes, and is mechanically answered. LORD WILLIAM has + "charm." His hair and moustache are crisp and just beginning to + grizzle. His bearing is free, easy, and only faintly armoured. + He will go far to meet you any day. He is in full evening + dress.] + +LORD W. [Cheerfully] I say, Poulder, what have you and James been +doing to the Press? Liberty of the Press--it isn't what it was, but +there is a limit. Where is he? + + [He turns to Jams between whom and himself there is still the + freemasonry of the trenches.] + +JAMES. [Pointing to POULDER] Be'ind the parapet, me Lord. + + [THE PRESS mopes out from where he has involuntarily been. + screened by POULDER, who looks at JAMES severely. LORD WILLIAM + hides a smile.] + +PRESS. Very glad to meet you, Lord William. My presence down here +is quite involuntary. + +LORD W. [With a charming smile] I know. The Press has to put its-- +er--to go to the bottom of everything. Where's this bomb, Poulder? +Ah! + + [He looks into the wine cooler.] + +PRESS. [Taking out his note-book] Could I have a word with you on +the crisis, before dinner, Lord William? + +LORD W. It's time you and James were up, Poulder. [Indicating the +cooler] Look after this; tell Lady William I'll be there in a +minute. + +POULDER. Very good, me Lord. + + [He goes, followed by JAMES carrying the cooler.] + + As THE PRESS turns to look after them, LORD WILLIAM catches + sight of his back.] + +LORD W. I must apologise, sir. Can I brush you? + +PRESS. [Dusting himself] Thanks; it's only behind. [He opens his +note-book] Now, Lord William, if you'd kindly outline your views on +the national situation; after such a narrow escape from death, I feel +they might have a moral effect. My paper, as you know, is concerned +with--the deeper aspect of things. By the way, what do you value +your house and collection at? + +LORD W. [Twisting his little mustache] Really: I can't! Really! + +PRESS. Might I say a quarter of a million-lifted in two seconds and +a half-hundred thousand to the second. It brings it home, you know. + +LORD W. No, no; dash it! No! + +PRESS. [Disappointed] I see--not draw attention to your property in +the present excited state of public feeling? Well, suppose we +approach it from the viewpoint of the Anti-Sweating dinner. I have +the list of guests--very weighty! + +LORD W. Taken some lifting-wouldn't they? + +PRESS. [Seriously] May I say that you designed the dinner to soften +the tension, at this crisis? You saw that case, I suppose, this +morning, of the woman dying of starvation in Bethnal Green? + +LORD W. [Desperately] Yes-yes! I've been horribly affected. I +always knew this slump would come after the war, sooner or later. + +PRESS. [Writing] ". . . had predicted slump." + +LORD W. You see, I've been an Anti-Sweating man for years, and I +thought if only we could come together now . . . . + +PRESS. [Nodding] I see--I see! Get Society interested in the +Sweated, through the dinner. I have the menu here. [He produces it.] + +LORD W. Good God, man--more than that! I want to show the people +that we stand side by side with them, as we did in the trenches. The +whole thing's too jolly awful. I lie awake over it. + + [He walks up and down.] + +PRESS. [Scribbling] One moment, please. I'll just get that down-- +"Too jolly awful--lies awake over it. Was wearing a white waistcoat +with pearl buttons." [At a sign of resentment from his victim.] +I want the human touch, Lord William--it's everything in my paper. +What do you say about this attempt to bomb you? + +LORD W. Well, in a way I think it's d---d natural + +PRESS. [Scribbling] "Lord William thought it d---d natural." + +LORD W. [Overhearing] No, no; don't put that down. What I mean is, +I should like to get hold of those fellows that are singing the +Marseillaise about the streets--fellows that have been in the war-- +real sports they are, you know--thorough good chaps at bottom--and +say to them: "Have a feeling heart, boys; put yourself in my +position." I don't believe a bit they'd want to bomb me then. + + [He walks up and down.] + +PRESS. [Scribbling and muttering] "The idea, of brotherhood--" D'you +mind my saying that? Word brotherhood--always effective--always---- + + [He writes.] + +LORD E. [Bewildered] "Brotherhood!" Well, it's pure accident that +I'm here and they're there. All the same, I can't pretend to be +starving. Can't go out into Hyde Park and stand on a tub, can I? +But if I could only show them what I feel--they're such good chaps-- +poor devils. + +PRESS. I quite appreciate! [He writes] "Camel and needle's eye." +You were at Eton and Oxford? Your constituency I know. Clubs? But +I can get all that. Is it your view that Christianity is on the up- +grade, Lord William? + +LORD W. [Dubious] What d'you mean by Christianity--loving--kindness +and that? Of course I think that dogma's got the knock. + + [He walks.] + +PRESS. [Writing] "Lord William thought dogma had got the knock." +I should like you just to develop your definition of Christianity. +"Loving--kindness" strikes rather a new note. + +LORD W. New? What about the Sermon on the Mount? + +PRESS. [Writing] "Refers to Sermon on Mount." I take it you don't +belong to any Church, Lord William? + +LORD W. [Exasperated] Well, really--I've been baptised and that +sort of thing. But look here---- + +PRESS. Oh! you can trust me--I shan't say anything that you'll +regret. Now, do you consider that a religious revival would help to +quiet the country?. + +LORD W. Well, I think it would be a deuced, good thing if everybody +were a bit more kind. + +PRESS. Ah! [Musing] I feel that your views are strikingly +original, Lord William. If you could just open out on them a little +more? How far would you apply kindness in practice? + +LORD W. Can you apply it in theory? + +PRESS. I believe it is done. But would you allow yourself to be +blown up with impunity? + +LORD W. Well, that's a bit extreme. But I quite sympathise with +this chap. Imagine yourself in his shoes. He sees a huge house, all +these bottles; us swilling them down; perhaps he's got a starving +wife, or consumptive kids. + +PRESS. [Writing and murmuring] Um-m! "Kids." + +LORD W. He thinks: "But for the grace of God, there swill I. Why +should that blighter have everything and I nothing?" and all that. + +PRESS. [Writing] "And all that." [Eagerly] Yes? + +LORD W. And gradually--you see--this contrast--becomes an obsession +with him. "There's got to be an example made," he thinks; and--er-- +he makes it, don't you know? + +PRESS. [Writing] Ye-es? And--when you're the example? + +LORD W. Well, you feel a bit blue, of course. But my point is that +you quite see it. + +PRESS. From the other world. Do you believe in a future life, Lord +William? The public took a lot of interest in the question, if you +remember, at the time of the war. It might revive at any moment, if +there's to be a revolution. + +LORD W. The wish is always father to the thought, isn't it? + +PRESS. Yes! But--er--doesn't the question of a future life rather +bear on your point about kindness? If there isn't one--why be kind? + +LORD W. Well, I should say one oughtn't to be kind for any motive-- +that's self-interest; but just because one feels it, don't you know. + +PRESS. [Writing vigorously] That's very new--very new! + +LORD W. [Simply] You chaps are wonderful. + +PRESS. [Doubtfully] You mean we're--we're---- + +LORD W. No, really. You have such a d---d hard time. It must be +perfectly beastly to interview fellows like me. + +PRESS. Oh! Not at all, Lord William. Not at all. I assure you +compared with a literary man, it's--it's almost heavenly. + +LORD W. You must have a wonderful knowledge of things. + +PRESS. [Bridling a little] Well--I shouldn't say that. + +LORD W. I don't see how you can avoid it. You turn your hands to +everything. + +PRESS. [Modestly] Well--yes, Yes. + +LORD W. I say: Is there really going to be a revolution, or are you +making it up, you Press? + +PRESS. We don't know. We never know whether we come before the +event, or it comes before us. + +LORD W. That's--very deep--very dip. D'you mind lending me your +note-book a moment. I'd like to stick that down. All right, I'll +use the other end. [THE PRESS hands it hypnotically.] + +LORD W. [Jotting] Thanks awfully. Now what's your real opinion of +the situation? + +PRESS. As a man or a Press man? + +LORD W. Is there any difference? + +PRESS. Is there any connection? + +LORD W. Well, as a man. + +PRESS. As a man, I think it's rotten. + +LORD W. [Jotting] "Rotten." And as a pressman? + +PRESS. [Smiling] Prime. + +LORD W. What! Like a Stilton cheese. Ha, ha! + + [He is about to write.] + +PRESS. My stunt, Lord William. You said that. + + [He jots it on his cuff.] + +LORD W. But look here.! Would you say that a strong press movement +would help to quiet the country? + +PRESS. Well, as you ask me, Lord William, I'll tell you. No +newspapers for a month would do the trick. + +LORD W. [Jotting] By Jove! That's brilliant. + +PRESS. Yes, but I should starve. [He suddenly looks up, and his +eyes, like gimlets, bore their way into LORD WILLIAM'S pleasant, +troubled face] Lord William, you could do me a real kindness. +Authorise me to go and interview the fellow who left the bomb here; +I've got his address. I promise you to do it most discreetly. Fact +is--well--I'm in low water. Since the war we simply can't get +sensation enough for the new taste. Now, if I could have an article +headed: "Bombed and Bomber"--sort of double interview, you know, it'd +very likely set me on my legs again. [Very earnestly] Look! +[He holds out his frayed wristbands.] + +LORD W. [Grasping his hand] My dear chap, certainly. Go and +interview this blighter, and then bring him round here. You can do +that for one. I'd very much like to see him, as a matter of fact. + +PRESS. Thanks awfully; I shall never forget it. Oh! might I have +my note-book? + + [LORD WILLIAM hands it back.] + +LORD W. And look here, if there's anything--when a fellow's +fortunate and another's not---- + +[He puts his hand into his breast pocket.] + +PRESS. Oh, thank you! But you see, I shall have to write you up a +bit, Lord William. The old aristocracy--you know what the public +still expects; if you were to lend me money, you might feel---- + +LORD W. By Jove! Never should have dreamt---- + +PRESS. No! But it wouldn't do. Have you a photograph of yourself. + +LORD W. Not on me. + +PRESS. Pity! By the way, has it occurred to you that there may be +another bomb on the premises? + +LORD W. Phew! I'll have a look. + + [He looks at his watch, and begins hurriedly searching the bins, + bending down and going on his knees. THE PRESS reverses the + notebook again and sketches him.] + +PRESS. [To himself] Ah! That'll do. "Lord William examines the +foundations of his house." + + [A voice calls "Bill!" THE PRESS snaps the note-book to, and + looks up. There, where the "communication trench" runs in, + stands a tall and elegant woman in the extreme of evening + dress.] + + [With presence of mind] Lady William? You'll find Lord William +--Oh! Have you a photograph of him? + +LADY W. Not on me. + +PRESS. [Eyeing her] Er--no--I suppose not--no. Excuse me! [He +sidles past her and is gone.] + +LADY W. [With lifted eyebrows] Bill! + +LORD W. [Emerging, dusting his knees] Hallo, Nell! I was just +making sure there wasn't another bomb. + +LADY W. Yes; that's why I came dawn: Who was that person? + +LORD W. Press. + +LADY W. He looked awfully yellow. I hope you haven't been giving +yourself away. + +LORD W. [Dubiously] Well, I don't know. They're like corkscrews. + +LADY W. What did he ask you? + +LORD W. What didn't he? + +LADY W. Well, what did you tell him? + +LORD W. That I'd been baptised--but he promised not to put it down. + +LADY W. Bill, you are absurd. + + [She gives a light tittle laugh.] + +LORD W. I don't remember anything else, except that it was quite +natural we should be bombed, don't you know. + +LADY W. Why, what harm have we done? + +LORD W. Been born, my dear. [Suddenly serious] I say, Nell, how am +I to tell what this fellow felt when he left that bomb here? + +LADY W. Why do you want to? + +LORD W. Out there one used to know what one's men felt. + +LADY W. [Staring] My dear boy, I really don't think you ought to +see the Press; it always upsets you. + +LORD W. Well! Why should you and I be going to eat ourselves silly +to improve the condition of the sweated, when---- + +LADY W. [Calmly] When they're going to "improve" ours, if we don't +look out. We've got to get in first, Bill. + +LORD W. [Gloomily] I know. It's all fear. That's it! Here we +are, and here we shall stay--as if there'd never been a war. + +LADY W. Well, thank heaven there's no "front" to a revolution. You +and I can go to glory together this time. Compact! Anything that's +on, I'm to abate in. + +LORD W. Well, in reason. + +LADY W. No, in rhyme, too. + +LORD W. I say, your dress! + +LADY W. Yes, Poulder tried to stop me, but I wasn't going to have +you blown up without me. + +LORD W. You duck. You do look stunning. Give us a kiss! + +LADY W. [Starting back] Oh, Bill! Don't touch me--your hands! + +LORD W. Never mind, my mouth's clean. + +They stand about a yard apart, and banding their faces towards each +other, kiss on the lips. + +L. ANNE. [Appearing suddenly from the "communication trench," and +tip-toeing silently between them] Oh, Mum! You and Daddy ARE +wasting time! Dinner's ready, you know! + + + CURTAIN + + + + +ACT II + + The single room of old MRS. LEMMY, in a small grey house in + Bethnal Green, the room of one cumbered by little save age, and + the crockery debris of the past. A bed, a cupboard, a coloured + portrait of Queen Victoria, and--of all things--a fiddle, + hanging on the wall. By the side of old MRS. LEMMY in her chair + is a pile of corduroy trousers, her day's sweated sewing, and a + small table. She sits with her back to the window, through + which, in the last of the light, the opposite side of the little + grey street is visible under the evening sky, where hangs one + white cloud shaped like a horned beast. She is still sewing, + and her lips move. Being old, and lonely, she has that habit of + talking to herself, distressing to those who cannot overhear. + From the smack of her tongue she was once a West Country cottage + woman; from the look of her creased, parchmenty face, she was + once a pretty girl with black eyes, in which there is still much + vitality. The door is opened with difficulty and a little girl + enters, carrying a pile of unfinished corduroy trousers nearly + as large as herself. She puts them down against the wall, and + advances. She is eleven or twelve years old; large-eyed, dark + haired, and sallow. Half a woman of this and half of another + world, except when as now, she is as irresponsible a bit of life + as a little flowering weed growing out of a wall. She stands + looking at MRS. LEMMY with dancing eyes. + +L. AIDA. I've brought yer to-morrer's trahsers. Y'nt yer finished +wiv to-dy's? I want to tyke 'em. + +MRS. L. No, me dear. Drat this last one--me old fengers! + +L. AIDA. I learnt some poytry to-dy--I did. + +MRS. L. Well, I never! + +L. AIDA. [Reciting with unction] + + "Little lamb who myde thee? + Dost thou know who myde thee, + Gyve thee life and byde thee feed + By the stream and oer the mead; + Gyve the clothing of delight, + Softest clothing, woolly, bright; + Gyve thee such a tender voice, + Myking all the vyles rejoice. + Little lamb who myde thee? + Dost thou know who myde thee?" + +MRS. L. 'Tes wonderful what things they tache ya nowadays. + +L. AIDA. When I grow up I'm goin' to 'ave a revolver an' shoot the +people that steals my jools. + +MRS. L. Deary-me, wherever du yu get yore notions? + +L. AIDA. An' I'm goin' to ride on as 'orse be'ind a man; an' I'm +goin' to ryce trynes in my motor car. + +MRS. L. [Dryly] Ah!--Yu'um gwine to be very busy, that's sartin. +Can you sew? + +L. AIDA. [With a Smile] Nao. + +MRS. L. Don' they tache Yu that, there? + +L. AIDA. [Blending contempt and a lingering curiosity] Nao. + +MRS. L. 'Tes wonderful genteel. + +L. AIDA. I can sing, though. + +MRS. L. Let's 'ear yu, then. + +L. AIDA. [Shaking her head] I can ply the pianner. I can ply a +tune. + +MRS. L. Whose pianner? + +L. AIDA. Mrs. Brahn's when she's gone aht. + +MRS. L. Well, yu are gettin' edjucation! Du they tache yu to love +yore neighbours? + +L. AIDA. [Ineffably] Nao. [Straying to the window] Mrs. Lemmy, +what's the moon? + +MRS. L. The mune? Us used to zay 'twas made o' crame cheese. + +L. AIDA. I can see it. + +MRS. L. Ah! Don' yu never go wishin' for it, me dear. + +L. AIDA. I daon't. + +MRS. L. Folks as wish for the mune never du no gude. + +L. AIDA. [Craning out, brilliant] I'm goin' dahn in the street. +I'll come back for yer trahsers. + +MRS. L. Well; go yu, then, and get a breath o' fresh air in yore +chakes. I'll sune 'a feneshed. + +L. AIDA. [Solemnly] I'm goin' to be a dancer, I am. + +She rushes suddenly to the door, pulls it open, and is gone. + +MRS. L. [Looking after her, and talking to herself.] Ah! 'Er've +a-got all 'er troubles before 'er! "Little lamb, a made'ee?" +[Cackling] 'Tes a funny world, tu! [She sings to herself.] + + "There is a green 'ill far away + Without a city wall, + Where our dear-Lord was crucified, + 'U died to save us all." + + The door is opened, and LEMMY comes in; a little man with a + stubble of dark moustache and spiky dark hair; large, peculiar + eyes he has, and a look of laying his ears back, a look of + doubting, of perversity with laughter up the sleeve, that grows + on those who have to do with gas and water. He shuts the door. + +MRS. L. Well, Bob, I 'aven't a-seen yu this tu weeks. + + LEMMY comes up to his mother, and sits down on a stool, sets a + tool-bag between his knees, and speaks in a cockney voice. + +LEMMY. Well, old lydy o' leisure! Wot would y' 'ave for supper, if +yer could choose--salmon wivaht the tin, an' tipsy cyke? + +MRS. L. [Shaking her head and smiling blandly] That's showy. Toad +in the 'ole I'd 'ave--and a glass o' port wine. + +LEMMY. Providential. [He opens a tool-bag] Wot dyer think I've got +yer? + +MRS. L. I 'ope yu've a-got yureself a job, my son! + +LEMMY. [With his peculiar smile] Yus, or I couldn't 'ave afforded +yer this. [He takes out a bottle] Not 'arf! This'll put the blood +into yer. Pork wine--once in the cellars of the gryte. We'll drink +the ryyal family in this. + +[He apostrophises the portrait of Queen Victoria.] + +MRS. L. Ah! She was a praaper gude queen. I see 'er once, when 'er +was bein' burried. + +LEMMY. Ryalties--I got nothin' to sy agynst 'em in this country. +But the STYTE 'as got to 'ave its pipes seen to. The 'ole show's +goin' up pop. Yer'll wyke up one o' these dyes, old lydy, and find +yerself on the roof, wiv nuffin' between yer an' the grahnd. + +MRS. L. I can't tell what yu'm talkin' about. + +LEMMY. We're goin' to 'ave a triumpherat in this country Liberty, +Equality, Fraternity; an' if yer arsk me, they won't be in power six +months before they've cut each other's throats. But I don't care--I +want to see the blood flow! (Dispassionately) I don' care 'oose +blood it is. I want to see it flow! + +MRS. L. [Indulgently] Yu'm a funny boy, that's sartin. + +LEMMY. [Carving at the cork with a knife] This 'ere cork is like +Sasiety--rotten; it's old--old an' moulderin'. [He holds up a bit of +cork on the point of the knife] Crumblin' under the wax, it is. In +goes the screw an' out comes the cork. [With unction]--an' the blood +flows. [Tipping the bottle, he lets a drop fall into the middle of +his hand, and licks it up. Gazing with queer and doubting +commiseration at has mother] Well, old dear, wot shall we 'ave it +aht of--the gold loving-cup, or--what? 'Ave yer supper fust, though, +or it'll go to yer 'ead! [He goes to the cupboard and taken out a +disk in which a little bread is sopped in a little' milk] Cold pap! +'Ow can yer? 'Yn't yer got a kipper in the 'ouse? + +MRS. L. [Admiring the bottle] Port wine! 'Tis a brave treat! I'll +'ave it out of the "Present from Margitt," Bob. I tuk 'ee therr by +excursion when yu was six months. Yu 'ad a shrimp an' it choked yu +praaperly. Yu was always a squeamy little feller. I can't never +think 'ow yu managed in the war-time, makin' they shells. + + LEMMY, who has brought to the table two mugs and blown the duet + out of; them, fills them with port, and hands one to his mother, + who is eating her bread and milk. + +LEMMY. Ah! Nothin' worried me, 'cept the want o' soap. + +MRS. L. [Cackling gently] So it du still, then! Luke at yore face. +Yu never was a clean boy, like Jim. + + [She puts out a thin finger and touches his cheek, whereon is a + black smudge.] + +LEMMY. [Scrubbing his cheek with his sleeve.] All right! Y'see, I +come stryte 'ere, to get rid o' this. + + [He drinks.] + +MRS. L. [Eating her bread and milk] Tes a pity yu'm not got a wife +to see't yu wash yureself. + +LEMMY. [Goggling] Wife! Not me--I daon't want ter myke no food for +pahder. Wot oh!--they said, time o' the war--ye're fightin' for yer +children's 'eritage. Well; wot's the 'eritage like, now we've got +it? Empty as a shell before yer put the 'igh explosive in. Wot's it +like? [Warming to his theme] Like a prophecy in the pypers--not a +bit more substantial. + +MRS. L. [Slightly hypnotised] How 'e du talk! The gas goes to yore +'ead, I think! + +LEMMY. I did the gas to-dy in the cellars of an 'ouse where the wine +was mountains 'igh. A regiment couldn't 'a drunk it. Marble pillars +in the 'all, butler broad as an observytion balloon, an' four +conscientious khaki footmen. When the guns was roarin' the talk was +all for no more o' them glorious weeds-style an' luxury was orf. See +wot it is naow. You've got a bare crust in the cupboard 'ere, I +works from 'and to mouth in a glutted market--an' there they stand +abaht agyne in their britches in the 'oases o' the gryte. I was +reg'lar overcome by it. I left a thing in that cellar--I left a +thing . . . . It'll be a bit ork'ard for me to-mower. [Drinks +from his mug. + +MRS. L. [Placidly, feeling the warmth of the little she has drunk] +What thing? + +LEMMY. Wot thing? Old lydy, ye're like a winkle afore yer opens +'er--I never see anything so peaceful. 'Ow dyer manage it? + +MRS. L. Settin' 'ere and thenkin'. + +LEA. Wot abaht? + +MRS. L. We-el--Money, an' the works o' God. + +LEMMY. Ah! So yer give me a thought sometimes. + +MRS. L. [Lofting her mug] Yu ought never to ha' spent yore money on +this, Bob! + +LEMMY. I thought that meself. + +MRS. L. Last time I 'ad a glass o' port wine was the day yore +brother Jim went to Ameriky. [Smacking her lips] For a teetotal +drink, it du warm 'ee! + +LEMMY. [Raising his mug] Well, 'ere's to the British revolution! +'Ere's to the conflygrytion in the sky! + +MRS. L. [Comfortably] So as to kape up therr, 'twon't du no 'arm. + + LEMMY goes to the window and unhooks his fiddle; he stands with + it halfway to his shoulder. Suddenly he opens the window and + leans out. A confused murmur of voices is heard; and a snatch + of the Marseillaise, sung by a girl. Then the shuffling tramp + of feet, and figures are passing in the street. + +LEMMY. [Turning--excited] Wot'd I tell yer, old lydy? There it is- +-there it is! + +MRS. L. [Placidly] What is? + +LEMMY. The revolution. [He cranes out] They've got it on a barrer. +Cheerio! + +VOICE. [Answering] Cheerio! + +LEMMY. [Leaning out] I sy--you 'yn't tykin' the body, are yer? + +VOICE. Nao. + +LEMMY. Did she die o' starvytion O.K.? + +VOICE. She bloomin' well did; I know 'er brother. + +LEMMY. Ah! That'll do us a bit o' good! + +VOICE. Cheerio! + +LEMMY. So long! + +VOICE. So long! + + [The girl's voice is heard again in the distance singing the + Marseillaise. The door is flung open and LITTLE AIDA comes + running in again.] + +LEMMY. 'Allo, little Aida! + +L. AIDA. 'Allo, I been follerin' the corfin. It's better than an +'orse dahn! + +MRS. L. What coffin? + +L. AIDA. Why, 'er's wot died o' starvytion up the street. They're +goin' to tyke it to 'Yde Pawk, and 'oller. + +MRS. L. Well, never yu mind wot they'm goin' to du: Yu wait an' take +my trousers like a gude gell. + + [She puts her mug aside and takes up her unfinished pair of + trousers. But the wine has entered her fingers, and strength to + push the needle through is lacking.] + +LEMMY. [Tuning his fiddle] Wot'll yer 'ave, little Aida? "Dead March +in Saul" or "When the fields was white wiv dysies"? + +L. AIDA. [With a hop and a brilliant smile] Aoh yus! "When the +fields"---- + +MRS. L. [With a gesture of despair] Deary me! I 'aven't a-got the +strength! + +LEMMY. Leave 'em alone, old dear! No one'll be goin' aht wivaht +trahsers to-night 'cos yer leaves that one undone. Little Aida, fold +'em up! + + [LITTLE AIDA methodically folds the five finished pairs of + trousers into a pile. LEMMY begins playing. A smile comes on + the face of MRS. L, who is rubbing her fingers. LITTLE AIDA, + trousers over arm, goes and stares at LEMMY playing.] + +LEMMY. [Stopping] Little Aida, one o' vese dyes yer'll myke an +actress. I can see it in yer fyce! + + [LITTLE AIDA looks at him wide-eyed.] + +MRS. L. Don't 'ee putt things into 'er 'ead, Bob! + +LEMMY. 'Tyn't 'er 'ead, old lydy--it's lower. She wants feedin'-- +feed 'er an' she'll rise. [He strikes into the "Machichi"] Look at +'er naow. I tell yer there's a fortune in 'er. + + [LITTLE AIDA has put out her tongue.] + +MRS. L. I'd saner there was a gude 'eart in 'er than any fortune. + +L. AIDA. [Hugging her pile of trousers] It's thirteen pence three +farthin's I've got to bring yer, an' a penny aht for me, mykes twelve +three farthin's: [With the same little hop and sudden smile] I'm +goin' to ride back on a bus, I am. + +LEMMY. Well, you myke the most of it up there; it's the nearest +you'll ever git to 'eaven. + +MRS. L. Don' yu discourage 'er, Bob; she'm a gude little thing, an't +yu, dear? + +L. AIDA. [Simply] Yus. + +LEMMY. Not 'arf. Wot c'her do wiv yesterdy's penny? + +L. AIDA. Movies. + +LEMMY. An' the dy before? + +L. AIDA. Movies. + +LEMMY. Wot'd I tell yer, old lydy--she's got vicious tystes, she'll +finish in the theayter yep Tyke my tip, little Aida; you put every +penny into yer foundytions, yer'll get on the boards quicker that wy. + +MRS. L. Don' yu pay no 'eed to his talk. + +L. AIDA. I daon't. + +Ice. Would yer like a sip aht o' my mug? + +L. AIDA. [Brilliant] Yus. + +MRS. L. Not at yore age, me dear, though it is teetotal. + + [LITTLE AIDA puts her head on one side, like a dog trying to + understand.] + +LEMMY. Well, 'ave one o' my gum-drops. + + [Holds out a paper.] + + [LITTLE AIDA brilliant, takes a flat, dark substance from it, + and puts it in her mouth.] + +Give me a kiss, an' I'll give yer a penny. + + [LITTLE AIDA shakes her head, and leans out of window.] + +Movver, she daon't know the valyer of money. + +MRS. L. Never mind 'im, me dear. + +L. AIDA. [Sucking the gum-drop--with difficulty] There's a taxi-cab +at the corner. + + [LITTLE AIDA runs to the door. A figure stands in the doorway; + she skids round him and out. THE PRESS comes in.] + +LEMMY. [Dubiously] Wat-oh! + +PRESS. Mr. Lemmy? + +LEMMY. The syme. + +PRESS. I'm from the Press. + +LEMMY. Blimy. + +PRESS. They told me at your place you wens very likely here. + +LEMMY. Yus I left Downin' Street a bit early to-dy! [He twangs the +feddle-strings pompously. + +PRESS. [Taking out his note-book and writing] "Fiddles while Rome +is burning!" Mr. Lemmy, it's my business at this very critical time +to find out what the nation's thinking. Now, as a representative +working man + +LEMMY. That's me. + +PRESS. You can help me. What are your views? + +LEMMY. [Putting down fiddle] Voos? Sit dahn! + + [THE PRESS sits on the stool which LEMMY has vacated.] + +The Press--my Muvver. Seventy-seven. She's a wonder; 'yn't yer, old +dear? + +PRESS. Very happy to make your acquaintance, Ma'am. [He writes] +"Mrs. Lemmy, one of the veterans of industry----" By the way, I've +jest passed a lot of people following a coffin. + + +LEMMY. Centre o' the cyclone--cyse o' starvytion; you 'ad 'er in the +pyper this mornin'. + +PRESS. Ah! yes! Tragic occurrence. [Looking at the trousers.] Hub +of the Sweated Industries just here. I especially want to get at the +heart---- + +MRS. L. 'Twasn't the 'eart, 'twas the stomach. + +PRESS. [Writing] "Mrs. Lemmy goes straight to the point." + +LEMMY. Mister, is it my voos or Muvver's yer want? + +PRESS. Both. + +LEMMY. 'Cos if yer get Muvver's, yer won't 'ave time for mine. I +tell yer stryte [Confidentially] she's get a glawss a' port wine in +'er. Naow, mind yer, I'm not anxious to be intervooed. On the other +'and, anyfink I might 'eve to sy of valyer---- There is a clawss o' +politician that 'as nuffn to sy-- Aoh! an' daon't 'e sy it just! I +dunno wot pyper yer represent. + +PRESS. [Smiling] Well, Mr. Lemmy, it has the biggest influ---- + +LEMMY. They all 'as that; dylies, weeklies, evenin's, Sundyes; but +it's of no consequence--my voos are open and aboveboard. Naow, wot +shall we begin abaht? + +PRESS. Yourself, if you please. And I'd like you to know at once +that my paper wants the human note, the real heart-beat of things. + +LEMMY. I see; sensytion! Well; 'ere am I--a fustclawss plumber's. +assistant--in a job to-dy an' out tomorrer. There's a 'eart-beat in +that, I tell yer. 'Oo knows wot the mower 'as for me! + +PRESS. [Writing]. "The great human issue--Mr. Lemmy touches it at +once." + +LEMMY. I sy keep my nyme aht o' this; I don' go in fer self- +advertisement. + +PRESS. [Writing] "True working-man--modest as usual." + +LEMMY. I daon't want to embarrass the Gover'ment. They're so +ticklish ever since they got the 'abit, war-time, o' mindin' wot +people said. + +PRESS. Right-o! + +LEMMY. For instance, suppose there's goin' to be a revolution---- +[THE PRESS writes with energy. 'Ow does it touch me? Like this: I +my go up--I cawn't come dahn; no more can Muvver. + +MRS. L. [Surprisingly] Us all goes down into the grave. + +PRESS. "Mrs. Lemmy interjects the deeper note." + +LEMMY. Naow, the gryte--they can come dahn, but they cawn't go up! +See! Put two an' two together, an' that's 'ow it touches me. [He +utters a throaty laugh] 'Ave yer got that? + +PRESS. [Quizzical] Not go up? What about bombs, Mr. Lemmy? + +LEMMY. [Dubious] Wot abaht 'em? I s'pose ye're on the comic +pypers? 'Ave yer noticed wot a weakness they 'ave for the 'orrible? + +PRESS. [Writing] "A grim humour peeped out here and there through +the earnestness of his talk." + + [He sketches LEMMY'S profile.] + +LEMMY. We 'ad an explosion in my factory time o' the war, that would +just ha' done for you comics. [He meditates] Lord! They was after +it too,--they an' the Sundyes; but the Censor did 'em. Strike me, I +could tell yer things! + +PRESS. That's what I want, Mr. Lemmy; tell me things! + +LEMMY. [Musing] It's a funny world, 'yn't it? 'Ow we did blow each +other up! [Getting up to admire] I sy, I shall be syfe there. That +won't betry me anonymiety. Why! I looks like the Prime Minister! + +PRESS. [Rather hurt] You were going to tell me things. + +LEMMY. Yus, an' they'll be the troof, too. + +PRESS. I hope so; we don't---- + +LEMMY. Wot oh! + +PRESS. [A little confused.] We always try to verify---- + +LEMMY. Yer leave it at tryin', daon't yer? Never, mind, ye're a +gryte institootion. Blimy, yer do have jokes, wiv it, spinnin' rahnd +on yer own tyles, denyin' to-dy wot ye're goin' to print to-morrer. +Ah, well! Ye're like all of us below the line o' comfort--live +dyngerously--ever' dy yer last. That's wy I'm interested in the +future. + +PRESS. Well now--the future. [Writing] "He prophesies. + +LEMMY. It's syfer, 'yn't it? [He winks] No one never looks back on +prophecies. I remembers an editor spring o' 1916 stykin' his +reputytion the war'd be over in the follerin' October. Increased 'is +circulytion abaht 'arf a million by it. 1917 an' war still on--'ad +'is readers gone back on 'im? Nao! They was increasin' like +rabbits. Prophesy wot people want to believe, an' ye're syfe. Naow, +I'll styke my reputption on somethin', you tyke it dahn word for +word. This country's goin' to the dawgs-- Naow, 'ere's the +sensytion--unless we gets a new religion. + +PRESS. Ah! Now for it--yes? + +LEMMY. In one word: "Kindness." Daon't mistyke me, nao sickly +sentiment and nao patronizin'. Me as kind to the millionaire as 'im +to me. [Fills his mug and drinks.] + +PRESS. [Struck] That's queer! Kindness! [Writing] "Extremes +meet. Bombed and bomber breathing the same music." + +LEMMY. But 'ere's the interestin' pynt. Can it be done wivaht +blood? + +PRESS. [Writing] "He doubts." + +LEMMY. No dabt wotever. It cawn't! Blood-and-kindness! Spill the +blood o' them that aren't kind--an' there ye are! + +PRESS. But pardon me, how are you to tell? + +LEMMY. Blimy, they leaps to the heye! + +PRESS. [Laying down-his note-book] I say, let me talk to you as man +to man for a moment. + +LEMMY. Orl right. Give it a rest! + +PRESS. Your sentiments are familiar to me. I've got a friend on the +Press who's very keen on Christ and kindness; and wants to strangle +the last king with the--hamstrings of the last priest. + +LEMMY. [Greatly intrigued] Not 'arf! Does 'e? + +PRESS. Yes. But have you thought it out? Because he hasn't. + +LEMMY. The difficulty is--where to stop. + +PRESS. Where to begin. + +LEMMY. Lawd! I could begin almost anywhere. Why, every month +abaht, there's a cove turns me aht of a job 'cos I daon't do just wot +'e likes. They'd 'ave to go. . I tell yer stryte--the Temple wants +cleanin' up. + +PRESS. Ye-es. If I wrote what I thought, I should get the sack as +quick as you. D'you say that justifies me in shedding the blood of +my boss? + +LEMMY. The yaller Press 'as got no blood--'as it? You shed their +ile an' vinegar--that's wot you've got to do. Stryte--do yer believe +in the noble mission o' the Press? + +PRESS. [Enigmatically] Mr. Lemmy, I'm a Pressman. + +LEMMY. [Goggling] I see. Not much! [Gently jogging his mother's +elbow] Wyke up, old lydy! + + [For Mrs. LEMMY who has been sipping placidly at her port, is + nodding. The evening has drawn in. LEMMY strikes a match on + his trousers and lights a candle.] + +Blood an' kindness-that's what's wanted--'specially blood! The +'istory o' me an' my family'll show yer that. Tyke my bruver Fred- +crushed by burycrats. Tyke Muvver 'erself. Talk o' the wrongs o' +the people! I tell yer the foundytions is rotten. [He empties the +bottle into his mother's mug] Daon't mind the mud at the bottom, old +lydy--it's all strengthenin'! You tell the Press, Muvver. She can +talk abaht the pawst. + +PRESS. [Taking up his note-book, and becoming, again his +professional self] Yes, Mrs. Lemmy? "Age and Youth--Past and +Present--" + +MRS. L. Were yu talkin' about Fred? [The port has warmed her veins, +the colour in her eyes and cheeks has deepened] My son Fred was +always a gude boy--never did nothin' before 'e married. I can see +Fred [She bends forward a little in her chair, looking straight +before her] acomin' in wi' a pheasant 'e'd found--terrible 'e was at +findin' pheasants. When father died, an' yu was cumin', Bob, Fred 'e +said to me: "Don't yu never cry, Mother, I'll look after 'ee." An' +so 'e did, till 'e married that day six months an' take to the drink +in sower. 'E wasn't never 'the same boy again--not Fred. An' now +'e's in That. I can see poor Fred---- + + [She slowly wipes a tear out of the corner of an eye with the + back of her finger.] + +PRESS. [Puzzled] In--That? + +LEMMY. [Sotto voce] Come orf it! Prison! 'S wot she calls it. + +MRS. L. [Cheerful] They say life's a vale o' sorrows. Well, so +'tes, but don' du to let yureself thenk so. + +PRESS. And so you came to London, Mrs. Lemmy? + +MRS. L. Same year as father died. With the four o' them--that's my +son Fred, an' my son Jim, an' my son Tom, an' Alice. Bob there, 'e +was born in London--an' a praaper time I 'ad of et. + +PRESS. [Writing] "Her heroic struggles with poverty----" + +MRS. L. Worked in a laundry, I ded, at fifteen shellin's a week, an' +brought 'em all up on et till Alice 'ad the gallopin' consumption. I +can see poor Alice wi' the little red spots is 'er cheeks---an' I not +knowin' wot to du wi' 'her--but I always kept up their buryin' money. +Funerals is very dear; Mr. Lemmy was six pound, ten. + +PRESS. "High price of Mr. Lemmy." + +MRS. L. I've a-got the money for when my time come; never touch et, +no matter 'ow things are. Better a little goin' short here below, +an' enter the kingdom of 'eaven independent: + +PRESS. [Writing] "Death before dishonour--heroine of the slums. +Dickens--Betty Higden." + +MRS. L. No, sir. Mary Lemmy. I've seen a-many die, I 'ave; an' not +one grievin'. I often says to meself: [With a little laugh] "Me +dear, when yu go, yu go 'appy. Don' yu never fret about that," I +says. An' so I will; I'll go 'appy. + + [She stays quite still a moment, and behind her LEMMY draws one + finger across his face.] + +[Smiling] "Yore old fengers'll 'ave a rest. Think o' that!" I says. +"'Twill be a brave change." I can see myself lyin' there an' duin' +nothin'. + + [Again a pause, while MRS. LEMMY sees herself doing nothing.] + +LEMMY. Tell abaht Jim; old lydy. + +MRS. L. My son Jim 'ad a family o' seven in six years. "I don' know +'ow 'tes, Mother," 'e used to say to me; "they just sim to come!" +That was Jim--never knu from day to day what was cumin'. "Therr's +another of 'em dead," 'e used to say, "'tes funny, tu" "Well," I +used to say to 'im; "no wonder, poor little things, livin' in they +model dwellin's. Therr's no air for 'em," I used to say. "Well," 'e +used to say, "what can I du, Mother? Can't afford to live in Park +Lane:" An' 'e take an' went to Ameriky. [Her voice for the first +time is truly doleful] An' never came back. Fine feller. So that's +my four sons--One's dead, an' one's in--That, an' one's in Ameriky, +an' Bob 'ere, poor boy, 'e always was a talker. + + [LEMMY, who has re-seated himself in the window and taken up his + fiddle, twangs the strings.] + +PRESS. And now a few words about your work, Mrs. Lemmy? + +MRS. L. Well, I sews. + +PRESS. [Writing] "Sews." Yes? + +MRS. L. [Holding up her unfinished pair of trousers] I putt in the +button'oles, I stretches the flies, I lines the crutch, I putt on +this bindin', [She holds up the calico that binds the top] I sews on +the buttons, I press the seams--Tuppence three farthin's the pair. + +PRESS. Twopence three farthings a pair! Worse than a penny a line! + +MRS. L. In a gude day I gets thru four pairs, but they'm gettin' +plaguey 'ard for my old fengers. + +PRESS. [Writing] "A monumental figure, on whose labour is built the +mighty edifice of our industrialism." + +LEMMY. I sy--that's good. Yer'll keep that, won't yet? + +MRS. L. I finds me own cotton, tuppence three farthin's, and other +expension is a penny three farthin's. + +PRESS. And are you an exception, Mrs. Lemmy? + +MRS. L. What's that? + +LEMMY. Wot price the uvvers, old lydy? Is there a lot of yer sewin' +yer fingers orf at tuppence 'ypenny the pair? + +MRS. L. I can't tell yu that. I never sees nothin' in 'ere. I pays +a penny to that little gell to bring me a dozen pair an' fetch 'em +back. Poor little thing, she'm 'ardly strong enough to carry 'em. +Feel! They'm very 'eavy! + +PRESS. On the conscience of Society! + +LEMMY. I sy put that dahn, won't yer? + +PRESS. Have things changed much since the war, Mrs. Lemmy? + +MRS. L. Cotton's a lot dearer. + +PRESS. All round, I mean. + +MRS. L. Aw! Yu don' never get no change, not in my profession. +[She oscillates the trousers] I've a-been in trousers fifteen year; +ever since I got to old for laundry. + +PRESS. [Writing] "For fifteen years sewn trousers." What would a +good week be, Mrs. Lemmy? + +MRS. L. 'Tes a very gude week, five shellin's. + +LEMMY. [From the window] Bloomin' millionairess, Muvver. She's +lookin' forward to 'eaven, where vey don't wear no trahsers. + +MRS. L. [With spirit] 'Tidn for me to zay whether they du. An' +'tes on'y when I'm a bit low-sperrity-like as I wants to go therr. +What I am a-lukin' forward to, though, 'tes a day in the country. +I've not a-had one since before the war. A kind lady brought me in +that bit of 'eather; 'tes wonderful sweet stuff when the 'oney's in +et. When I was a little gell I used to zet in the 'eather gatherin' +the whorts, an' me little mouth all black wi' eatin' them. 'Twas in +the 'eather I used to zet, Sundays, courtin'. All flesh is grass-- +an' 'tesn't no bad thing--grass. + +PRESS. [Writing] "The old paganism of the country." What is your +view of life, Mrs. Lemmy? + +LEMMY. [Suddenly] Wot is 'er voo of life? Shall I tell yer mine? +Life's a disease--a blinkin' oak-apple! Daon't myke no mistyke. An' +'umen life's a yumourous disease; that's all the difference. Why-- +wot else can it be? See the bloomin' promise an' the blighted +performance--different as a 'eadline to the noos inside. But yer +couldn't myke Muvver see vat--not if yer talked to 'er for a wok. +Muvver still believes in fings. She's a country gell; at a 'undred +and fifty she'll be a country gell, won't yer, old lydy? + +MRS. L. Well, 'tesn't never been 'ome to me in London. I lived in +the country forty year--I did my lovin' there; I burried father +therr. Therr bain't nothin' in life, yu know, but a bit o' lovin'-- +all said an' done; bit o' lovin', with the wind, an' the stars out. + +LEMMY. [In a loud apologetic whisper] She 'yn't often like this. I +told yer she'd got a glawss o' port in 'er. + +MRS. L. 'Tes a brave pleasure, is lovin'. I likes to zee et in +young folk. I likes to zee 'em kissin'; shows the 'eart in 'em. +'Tes the 'eart makes the world go round; 'tesn't nothin' else, in my +opinion. + +PRESS. [Writing] "--sings the swan song of the heart."---- + +MRS. L. [Overhearing] No, I never yeard a swan sing--never! But I +tell 'ee what I 'eve 'eard; the Bells singin' in th' orchard 'angin' +up the clothes to dry, an' the cuckoos callin' back to 'em. +[Smiling] There's a-many songs in the country-the 'eart is freelike +in th' country! + +LEMMY. [Soto voce] Gi' me the Strand at ar' past nine. + +PRESS. [Writing] "Town and country----" + +MRS. L. 'Tidn't like that in London; one day's jest like another. +Not but what therr's a 'eap o' kind'eartedness 'ere. + +LEMMY. [Gloomily] Kind-'eartedness! I daon't fink "Boys an' Gells +come out to play." + + [He plays the old tune on his fiddle.] + +MRS. L. [Singing] "Boys an' Gells come out to play. The mune is +shinin' bright as day." [She laughs] I used to sing like a lark +when I was a gell. + + [LITTLE AIDA enters.] + +L. AIDA. There's 'undreds follerin' the corfin. 'Yn't you goin', +Mr. Lemmy--it's dahn your wy! + +LEMMY. [Dubiously] Well yus--I s'pose they'll miss me. + +L. AIDA. Aoh! Tyke me! + +PRESS. What's this? + +LEMMY. The revolution in 'Yde Pawk. + +PRESS. [Struck] In Hyde Park? The very thing. I'll take you down. +My taxi's waiting. + +L. AIDA. Yus; it's breathin' 'ard, at the corner. + +PRESS. [Looking at his watch] Ah! and Mrs. Lemmy. There's an Anti- +Sweating Meeting going on at a house in Park Lane. We can get there +in twenty minutes if we shove along. I want you to tell them about +the trouser-making. You'll be a sensation! + +LEMMY. [To himself] ] Sensytion! 'E cawn't keep orf it! + +MRS. L. Anti-Sweat. Poor fellers! I 'ad one come to see we before +the war, an' they'm still goin' on? Wonderful, an't it? + +PRESS. Come, Mrs. Lemmy; drive in a taxi, beautiful moonlit night; +and they'll give you a splendid cup of tea. + +MRS. L. [Unmoved] Ah! I cudn't never du without my tea. There's +not an avenin' but I thinks to meself: Now, me dear, yu've a-got one +more to fennish, an' then yu'll 'eve yore cup o' tea. Thank you for +callin', all the same. + +LEMMY. Better siccumb to the temptytion, old lydy; joyride wiv the +Press; marble floors, pillars o' gold; conscientious footmen; lovely +lydies; scuppers runnin' tea! An' the revolution goin' on across the +wy. 'Eaven's nuffink to Pawk Lyne. + +PRESS. Come along, Mrs. Lemmy! + +MRS. L. [Seraphically] Thank yu,--I'm a-feelin' very comfortable. +'Tes wonderful what a drop o' wine'll du for the stomach. + +PRESS. A taxi-ride! + +MRS. L. [Placidly] Ah! I know'em. They'm very busy things. + +LEMMY. Muvver shuns notority. [Sotto voce to THE PRESS] But you +watch me! I'll rouse 'er. + + [He takes up his fiddle and sits on the window seat. Above the + little houses on the opposite side of the street, the moon has + risen in the dark blue sky, so that the cloud shaped like a + beast seems leaping over it. LEMMY plays the first notes of the + Marseillaise. A black cat on the window-sill outside looks in, + hunching its back. LITTLE AIDA barks at her. MRS. LEMMY + struggles to her feet, sweeping the empty dish and spoon to the + floor in the effort. + +The dish ran awy wiv the spoon! That's right, old lydy! [He stops +playing. + +MRS. L. [Smiling, and moving her hands] I like a bit o' music. It +du that move 'ee. + +PRESS. Bravo, Mrs. Lemmy. Come on! + +LEMMY. Come on, old dear! We'll be in time for the revolution yet. + +MRS. L. 'Tes 'earin' the Old 'Undred again! + +LEMMY. [To THE PRESS] She 'yn't been aht these two years. [To his +mother, who has put up her hands to her head] Nao, never mind yer +'at. [To THE PRESS] She 'yn't got none! [Aloud] No West-End lydy +wears anyfink at all in the evenin'! + +MRS. L. 'Ow'm I lukin', Bob? + +LEMMY. First-clawss; yer've got a colour fit to toast by. We'll +show 'em yer've got a kick in yer. [He takes her arm] Little Aida, +ketch 'old o' the sensytions. + + [He indicates the trousers THE PRESS takes MRS. LEMMY'S other + arm.] + +MRS. L. [With an excited little laugh] Quite like a gell! + +And, smiling between her son and THE PRESS, she passes out; LITTLE +AIDA, with a fling of her heels and a wave of the trousers, follows. + + + CURTAIN + + + +ACT III + + An octagon ante-room of the hall at LORD WILLIAM DROMONDY'S. + A shining room lighted by gold candelabra, with gold-curtained + pillars, through which the shining hall and a little of the + grand stairway are visible. A small table with a gold-coloured + cloth occupies the very centre of the room, which has a polished + parquet floor and high white walls. Gold-coloured doors on the + left. Opposite these doors a window with gold-coloured curtains + looks out on Park Lane. LADY WILLIAM standing restlessly + between the double doors and the arch which leads to the hall. + JAMES is stationary by the double doors, from behind which come + sounds of speech and applause. + +POULDER. [Entering from the hall) His Grace the Duke of Exeter, my +lady. + + [His GRACE enters. He is old, and youthful, with a high colour + and a short rough white beard. LADY WILLIAM advances to meet + him. POULDER stands by. + +LADY W. Oh! Father, you ARE late. + +HIS G. Awful crowd in the streets, Nell. They've got a coffin-- +couldn't get by. + +LADY W. Coin? Whose? + +HIS G. The Government's I should think-no flowers, by request. I +say, have I got to speak? + +LADY W. Oh! no, dear. + +HIS G. H'm! That's unlucky. I've got it here. [He looks down his +cuff] Found something I said in 1914--just have done. + +LADY W. Oh! If you've got it--James, ask Lord William to come to me +for a moment. [JAMES vanishes through the door. To THE DUKE] Go in, +Grand-dad; they'll be so awfully pleased to see you. I'll tell Bill. + +HIS G. Where's Anne? + +LADY W. In bed, of course. + +HIS G. I got her this--rather nice? + + [He has taken from his breast-pocket one of those street toy-men + that jump head over heels on your hand; he puts it through its + paces.] + +LADY W. [Much interested] Oh! no, but how sweet! She'll simply +love it. + +POULDER. If I might suggest to Your Grace to take it in and operate +it. It's sweated, Your Grace. They-er-make them in those places. + +HIS G. By Jove! D'you know the price, Poulder? + +POULDER. [Interrogatively] A penny, is it? Something paltry, Your +Grace! + +HIS G. Where's that woman who knows everything; Miss Munday? + +LADY W. Oh! She'll be in there, somewhere. + + [His GRACE moves on, and passes through the doors. The sound of + applause is heard.] + +POULDER. [Discreetly] would you care to see the bomb, my lady? + +LADY W. Of course--first quiet moment. + +POULDER. I'll bring it up, and have a watch put on it here, my lady. + + [LORD WILLIAM comes through the double doom followed by JAMES. + POULDER retires.] + +LORD W. Can't you come, Nell? + +LADY W. Oh! Bill, your Dad wants to speak. + +LORD W. The deuce he does--that's bad. + +LADY W. Yes, of course, but you must let him; he's found something +he said in 1914. + +LORD W. I knew it. That's what they'll say. Standing stock still, +while hell's on the jump around us. + +LADY W. Never mind that; it'll please him; and he's got a lovely +little sweated toy that turns head over heels at one penny. + +LORD W. H'm! Well, come on. + +LADY W. No, I must wait for stragglers. There's sure to be an +editor in a hurry. + +POULDER. [Announcing] Mis-ter Gold-rum! + +LADY W. [Sotto voce] And there he is! [She advances to meet a thin, +straggling man in eyeglasses, who is smiling absently] How good of +you! + +MR. G. Thanks awfully. I just er--and then I'm afraid I must--er-- +Things look very---- Thanks---- Thanks so much. + + [He straggles through the doors, and is enclosed by JAMES. + +POULDER. Miss Mun-day. + +LORD W. There! I thought she was in-- She really is the most +unexpected woman! How do you do? How awfully sweet of you! + +MISS M. [An elderly female schoolboy] How do you do? There's a +spiffing crowd. I believe things are really going Bolshy. How do +you do, Lord William? Have you got any of our people to show? I +told one or two, in case--they do so simply love an outing. + +JAMES. There are three old chips in the lobby, my Lord. + +LORD W. What? Oh! I say! Bring them in at once. Why--they're the +hub of the whole thing. + +JAMES. [Going] Very good, my Lord. + +LADY W. I am sorry. I'd no notion; and they're such dears always. + +MISS M. I must tell you what one of them said to me. I'd told him +not to use such bad language to his wife. "Don't you worry, Ma!" he +said, "I expert you can do a bit of that yourself!" + +LADY W. How awfully nice! It's SO like them. + +MISS M. Yes. They're wonderful. + +LORD W. I say, why do we always call them they? + +LADY W. (Puzzled] Well, why not? + +LORD W. THEY! + +MISS M. [Struck] Quite right, Lord William! Quite right! Another +species. They! I must remember that. THEY! [She passes on.] + +LADY W. [About to follow] Well, I don't see; aren't they? + +LORD W. Never mind, old girl; follow on. They'll come in with me. + + [MISS MUNDAY and LADY WILLIAM pass through the double doors.] + +POULDER. [Announcing] Some sweated workers, my Lord. + + [There enter a tall, thin, oldish woman ; a shod, thin, very + lame man, her husband ; and a stoutish middle-aged woman with a + rolling eye and gait, all very poorly dressed, with lined and + heated faces.] + +LORD W. [Shaking hands] How d'you do! Delighted to see you all. +It's awfully good of you to have come. + +LAME M. Mr. and Mrs. Tomson. We 'ad some trouble to find it. You +see, I've never been in these parts. We 'ad to come in the oven; and +the bus-bloke put us dahn wrong. Are you the proprietor? + +LORD W. [Modestly] Yes, I--er-- + +LAME M. You've got a nice plyce. I says to the missis, I says: +"'E's got a nice plyce 'ere," I says; "there's room to turn rahnd." + +LORD W. Yes--shall we--? + +LAME M. An' Mrs. Annaway she says: "Shouldn't mind livin 'ere +meself," she says; "but it must cost'im a tidy penny," she says. + +LORD W. It does--it does; much too tidy. Shall we--? + +MRS. ANN. [Rolling her eye] I'm very pleased to 'ave come. I've +often said to 'em: "Any time you want me," I've said, "I'd be pleased +to come." + +LORD W. Not so pleased as we are to see you. + +MRS. ANN. I'm sure you're very kind. + +JAMES. [From the double doors, through which he has received a +message] Wanted for your speech, my Lord. + +LORD W. Oh! God! Poulder, bring these ladies and gentleman in, and +put them where everybody can--where they can see everybody, don't you +know. + + [He goes out hurriedly through the double doors.] + +LAME M. Is 'e a lord? + +POULDER. He is. Follow me. + + [He moves towards the doors, the three workers follow.] + +MRS. ANN. [Stopping before JAMES] You 'yn't one, I suppose? +[JAMES stirs no muscle.] + +POULDER. Now please. [He opens the doors. The Voice of LORD +WILLIAM speaking is heard] Pass in. + + [THE THREE WORKERS pass in, POULDER and JAMES follow them. The + doors are not closed, and through this aperture comes the voice + of LORD WILLIAM, punctuated and supported by decorous applause. + + [LITTLE ANNE runs in, and listens at the window to the confused + and distant murmurs of a crowd.] + +VOICE OF LORD W. We propose to move for a further advance in the +chain-making and--er--er--match-box industries. [Applause.] + + [LITTLE ANNE runs across to the door, to listen.] + +[On rising voice] I would conclude with some general remarks. +Ladies and gentlemen, the great natural, but--er--artificial +expansion which trade experienced the first years after the war has-- +er--collapsed. These are hard times. We who are fortunate feel more +than ever--er--responsible--[He stammers, loses the thread of his +thoughts. --[Applause]--er--responsible--[The thread still eludes +him]--er---- + +L. ANNE. [Poignantly] Oh, Daddy! + +LORD W. [Desperately] In fact--er--you know how--er--responsible we +feel. + +L. ANNE. Hooray! [Applause.] + + [There float in through the windows the hoarse and distant + sounds of the Marseillaise, as sung by London voices.] + +LORD W. There is a feeling in the air--that I for one should say +deliberately was--er--a feeling in the air--er--a feeling in the +air---- + +L. ANNE. [Agonised] Oh, Daddy! Stop! + + [Jane enters, and closes the door behind him. JAMES. Look + here! 'Ave I got to report you to Miss Stokes?] + +L. ANNE. No-o-o! + +JAMES. Well, I'm goin' to. + +L. ANNE. Oh, James, be a friend to me! I've seen nothing yet. + +JAMES. No; but you've eaten a good bit, on the stairs. What price +that Peach Melba? + +L. ANNE. I can't go to bed till I've digested it can I? There's +such a lovely crowd in the street! + +JAMES. Lovely? Ho! + +L. ANNE. [Wheedling] James, you couldn't tell Miss Stokes! It +isn't in you, is it? + +JAMES. [Grinning] That's right. + +L. ANNE. So-I'll just get under here. [She gets under the table] +Do I show? + +JAMES. [Stooping] Not 'arf! + + [POULDER enters from the hall.] + +POULDER. What are you doin' there? + +JAMES. [Between him and the table--raising himself] Thinkin'. + + [POULDER purses his mouth to repress his feedings.] + +POULDER. My orders are to fetch the bomb up here for Lady William to +inspect. Take care no more writers stray in. + +JAMES. How shall I know 'em? + +POULDER. Well--either very bald or very hairy. + +JAMES. Right-o! [He goes.] + + [POULDER, with his back to the table, busies himself with the + set of his collar.] + +POULDER. [Addressing an imaginary audience--in a low but important +voice] The--ah--situation is seerious. It is up to us of the--ah-- +leisured classes---- + + [The face of LITTLE ANNE is poked out close to his legs, and + tilts upwards in wonder towards the bow of his waistcoat.] + +to--ah--keep the people down. The olla polloi are clamourin'---- + + [Miss STOKES appears from the hall, between the pillars.] + +Miss S. Poulder! + +POULDER. [Making a volte face towards the table] Miss? + +MISS S. Where is Anne? + +POULDER. [Vexed at the disturbance of his speech] Excuse me, Miss-- +to keep track of Miss Anne is fortunately no part of my dooties. + + [Miss S. She really is naughty.] + +POULDER. She is. If she was mine, I'd spank her. + + [The smiling face of LITTLE ANNE becomes visible again close to + his legs.] + +MISS S. Not a nice word. + +POULDER. No; but a pleasant haction. Miss Anne's the limit. In +fact, Lord and Lady William are much too kind 'earted all round. +Take these sweated workers; that class o' people are quite 'opeless. +Treatin' them as your equals, shakin 'ands with 'em, givin 'em tea-- +it only puffs 'em out. Leave it to the Church, I say. + +MISS S. The Church is too busy, Poulder. + +POULDER. Ah! That "Purity an' Future o' the Race Campaign." I'll +tell you what I thinks the danger o' that, Miss. So much purity that +there won't be a future race. [Expanding] Purity of 'eart's an +excellent thing, no doubt, but there's a want of nature about it. +Same with this Anti-Sweating. Unless you're anxious to come down, +you must not put the lower classes up. + +MISS S. I don't agree with you at all, Poulder. + +POULDER. Ah! You want it both ways, Miss. I should imagine you're +a Liberal. + +MISS S. [Horrified] Oh, no! I certainly am not. + +POULDER. Well, I judged from your takin' cocoa. Funny thing that, +about cocoa-how it still runs through the Liberal Party! It's +virtuous, I suppose. Wine, beer, tea, coffee-all of 'em vices. But +cocoa you might drink a gallon a day and annoy no one but yourself! +There's a lot o' deep things in life, Miss! + +Miss S. Quite so. But I must find Anne. + + [She recedes. ] + +POULDER. [Suavely] Well, I wish you every success; and I hope +you'll spank her. This modern education--there's no fruitiness in +it. + +L. ANNE. [From under the table] Poulder, are you virtuous? + +POULDER. [Jumping] Good Ged! + +L. ANNE. D'you mind my asking? I promised James I would. + +POULDER. Miss Anne, come out! + + [The four footmen appear in the hall, HENRY carrying the wine + cooler.] + +JAMES. Form fours-by your right-quick march! + + [They enter, marching down right of table.] + +Right incline--Mark time! Left turn!. 'Alt! 'Enry, set the bomb! +Stand easy! + + [HENRY places the wine cooler on the table and covers it with a + blue embroidered Chinese mat, which has occupied the centre of + the tablecloth.] + +POULDER. Ah! You will 'ave your game! Thomas, take the door there! +James, the 'all! Admit titles an' bishops. No literary or Labour +people. Charles and 'Enry, 'op it and 'ang about! + + [CHARLES and HENRY go out, the other too move to their + stations.] + + [POULDER, stands by the table looking at the covered bomb. The + hoarse and distant sounds of the Marseillaise float in again + from Park Lane.] + +[Moved by some deep feeling] And this house an 'orspital in the war! +I ask you--what was the good of all our sacrifices for the country? +No town 'ouse for four seasons--rustygettin' in the shires, not a +soul but two boys under me. Lord William at the front, Lady William +at the back. And all for this! [He points sadly at the cooler] It +comes of meddlin' on the Continent. I had my prognostications at the +time. [To JAMES] You remember my sayin' to you just before you +joined up: "Mark my words--we shall see eight per cent. for our money +before this is over!" + +JAMES. [Sepulchrally] I see the eight per cent., but not the money. + +POULDER. Hark at that! + + [The sounds of the Marseillaise grow louder. He shakes his + head.] + +I'd read the Riot Act. They'll be lootin' this house next! + +JAMES. We'll put up a fight over your body: "Bartholomew Poulder, +faithful unto death!" Have you insured your life? + +POULDER. Against a revolution? + +JAMES. Act o' God! Why not? + +POULDER. It's not an act o' God. + +JAMES. It is; and I sympathise with it. + +POULDER. You--what? + +JAMES. I do--only--hands off the gov'nor. + +POULDER. Oh! Really! Well, that's something. I'm glad to see you +stand behind him, at all events. + +JAMES. I stand in front of 'im when the scrap begins! + +POULDER. Do you insinuate that my heart's not in the right place? + +JAMES. Well, look at it! It's been creepin' down ever since I knew +you. Talk of your sacrifices in the war--they put you on your +honour, and you got stout on it. Rations--not 'arf. + +POULDER. [Staring at him] For independence, I've never seen your +equal, James. You might be an Australian. + +JAMES. [Suavely] Keep a civil tongue, or I'll throw you to the +crowd! [He comes forward to the table] Shall I tell you why I +favour the gov'nor? Because, with all his pomp, he's a gentleman, as +much as I am. Never asks you to do what he wouldn't do himself. +What's more, he never comes it over you. If you get drunk, or--well, +you understand me, Poulder--he'll just say: "Yes, yes; I know, +James!" till he makes you feel he's done it himself. [Sinking his +voice mysteriously) I've had experience with him, in the war and out. +Why he didn't even hate the Huns, not as he ought. I tell you he's +no Christian. + +POULDER. Well, for irreverence----! + +JAMES. [Obstinately] And he'll never be. He's got too soft a +heart. + +L. ANNE. [Beneath the table-shrilly] Hurrah! + +POULDER. [Jumping] Come out, Miss Anne! + +JAMES. Let 'er alone! + +POULDER. In there, under the bomb? + +JAMES. [Contemptuously] Silly ass! You should take 'em lying down! + +POULDER. Look here, James! I can't go on in this revolutionary +spirit; either you or I resign. + +JAMES. Crisis in the Cabinet! + +POULDER. I give you your marchin' orders. + +JAMES. [Ineffably) What's that you give me? + +POULDER. Thomas, remove James! + + [THOMAS grins.] + +L. ANNE. [Who, with open mouth, has crept out to see the fun] Oh! +Do remove James, Thomas! + +POULDER. Go on, Thomas. + + [THOMAS takes one step towards JAMES, who lays a hand on the + Chinese mat covering the bomb.] + +JAMES. [Grimly] If I lose control of meself. + +L. ANNE. [Clapping her hands] Oh! James! Do lose control! Then I +shall see it go off! + +JAMES. [To POULDER] Well, I'll merely empty the pail over you! + +POULDER. This is not becomin'! + + [He walks out into the hall.] + +JAMES. Another strategic victory! What a Boche he'd have made. As +you were, Tommy! + + [THOMAS returns to the door. The sound of prolonged applause + cornea from within.] + +That's a bishop. + +L. ANNE. Why? + +JAMES. By the way he's drawin'. It's the fine fightin' spirit in +'em. They were the backbone o' the war. I see there's a bit o' the +old stuff left in you, Tommy. + +L. ANNE. [Scrutinizing the widely--grinning THOM"] Where? Is it in +his mouth? + +JAMES. You've still got a sense of your superiors. Didn't you +notice how you moved to Poulder's orders, me boy; an' when he was +gone, to mine? + +L. ANNE. [To THOMAS] March! + + [The grinning THOMAS remains immovable.] + +He doesn't, James! + +JAMES. Look here, Miss Anne--your lights ought to be out before ten. +Close in, Tommy! + + [He and THOMAS move towards her.] + +L. ANNE. [Dodging] Oh, no! Oh, no! Look! + + [The footmen stop and turn. There between the pillars, stands + LITTLE AIDA with the trousers, her face brilliant With + surprise.] + +JAMES. Good Lord! What's this? + + [Seeing L. ANNE, LITTLE AIDA approaches, fascinated, and the two + children sniff at each other as it were like two little dogs + walking round and round.] + +L. ANNE. [Suddenly] My name's Anne; what's yours? + +L. AIDA. Aida. + +L. ANNE. Are you lost? + +L. AIDA. Nao. + +L. ANNE. Are those trousers? + +L. AIDA. Yus. + +L. Arms. Whose? + +L. AIDA. Mrs. Lemmy's. + +L. ANNE. Does she wear them? + + [LITTLE AIDA smiles brilliantly.] + +L. AIDA. Nao. She sews 'em. + +L. ANNE. [Touching the trousers] They are hard. James's are much +softer; aren't they, James? [JAMES deigns no reply] What shall we +do? Would you like to see my bedroom? + +L. AIDA. [With a hop] Aoh, yus! + +JAMES. No. + +L. ANNE. Why not? + +JAMES. Have some sense of what's fittin'. + +L. ANNE. Why isn't it fittin'? [To LITTLE AIDA] Do you like me? + +L. AIDA. Yus-s. + +L. ANNE. So do I. Come on! + + [She takes LITTLE AIDA'S hand.] + +JAMES. [Between the pillars] Tommy, ketch 'em! + + [THOMAS retains them by the skirts.] + +L. ANNE. [Feigning indifference] All right, then! [To LITTLE AIDA] +Have you ever seen a bomb? + +L. AIDA. Nao. + +L. ANNE. [Going to the table and lifting a corner of the cover] +Look! + +L. AIDA. [Looking] What's it for? + +L. ANNE. To blow up this house. + +L. AIDA. I daon't fink! + +L. ANNE. Why not? + +L. AIDA. It's a beautiful big 'Ouse. + +L. ANNE. That's why. Isn't it, James? + +L. AIDA. You give the fing to me; I'll blow up our 'ouse--it's an +ugly little 'ouse. + +L. ANNE [Struck] Let's all blow up our own; then we can start fair. +Daddy would like that. + +L. AIDA. Yus. [Suddenly brilliant] I've 'ad a ride in a taxi, an' +we're goin' 'ome in it agyne! + +L. ANNE. Were you sick? + +LITTLE AIDA. [Brilliant] Nao. + +L. ANNE I was; when I first went in one, but I was quite young then. +James, could you get her a Peche Melba? There was one. + +JAMES. No. + +L. ANNE. Have you seen the revolution? + +L. AIDA. Wot's that? + +L. ANNE;. It's made of people. + +L. AIDA. I've seen the corfin, it's myde o' wood. + +L. ANNE. Do you hate the rich? + +L. AIDA. [Ineffably] Nao. I hates the poor. + +L. ANNE. Why? + +L. AIDA. 'Cos they 'yn't got nuffin'. + +L. ANNE. I love the poor. They're such dears. + +L. AIDA. [Shaking her head with a broad smile] Nao. + +L. ANNE. Why not? + +L. AIDA. I'd tyke and lose the lot, I would. + +L. ANNE. Where? + +L. AIDA. In the water. + +L. ANNE. Like puppies? + +L. AIDA. Yus. + +L. ANNE. Why? + +L. AIDA. Then I'd be shut of 'em. + +L. ANNE. [Puzzled] Oh! + + [The voice of THE PRESS is heard in the hall. "Where's the + little girl?"] + +JAMES. That's you. Come 'ere! + + [He puts a hand behind LITTLE AIDA'S back and propels her + towards the hall. THE PRESS enters with old MRS. LEMMY.] + +PRESS. Oh! Here she is, major domo. I'm going to take this old +lady to the meeting; they want her on the platform. Look after our +friend, Mr. Lemmy here; Lord William wants to see him presently. + +L. ANNE. [In an awed whisper] James, it's the little blighter! + + [She dives again under the table. LEMMY enters.] + +LEMMY. 'Ere! 'Arf a mo'! Yer said yer'd drop me at my plyce. +Well, I tell yer candid--this 'yn't my plyce + +PRESS. That's all right, Mr. Lemmy. [He grins] They'll make you +wonderfully comfortable, won't you, major domo? + + [He passes on through the room, to the door, ushering old MRS. + LEMMY and LITTLE AIDA.] + + [POULDER blocks LEMMY'S way, with CHARLES and HENRY behind him.] + +POULDER. James, watch it; I'll report. + + [He moves away, following THE PRESS through the door. JAMES + between table and window. THOMAS has gone to the door. HENRY + and CHARLES remain at the entrances to the hall. LEMMY looks + dubiously around, his cockney assurrance gradually returns.] + +LEMMY. I think I knows the gas 'ere. This is where I came to-dy, +'yn't it? Excuse my hesitytion--these little 'ouses IS so much the +syme. + +JAMES. [Gloomily] They are! + +LEMMY. [Looking at the four immovable footmen, till he concentrates +on JAMES] Ah! I 'ad a word wiv you, 'adn't I? You're the four +conscientious ones wot's wyin' on your gov'nor's chest. 'Twas you I +spoke to, wasn't it? [His eyes travel over them again] Ye're so +monotonous. Well, ye're busy now, I see. I won't wyste yer time. + + [He turns towards the hall, but CHARLES and HENRY bar the way in + silence.] + + [Skidding a little, and regarding the four immovables once more] + +I never see such pytient men? Compared wiv yer, mountains is +restless. + + [He goes to the table. JAMES watches him. ANNE barks from + underneath.] + +[Skidding again] Why! There's a dawg under there. [Noting the grin +on THOMAS'S face] Glad it amooses yer. Yer want it, daon't yer, wiv +a fyce like that? Is this a ply wivaht words? 'Ave I got into the +movies by mistyke? Turn aht, an' let's 'ave six penn'orth o' +darkness. + +L. ANNE. [From beneath the cable] No, no! Not dark! + +LEMMY. [Musingly] The dawg talks anywy. Come aht, Fido! + + [LITTLE ANNE emerges, and regards him with burning curiosity.] + +I sy: Is this the lytest fashion o' receivin' guests? + +L. ANNE. Mother always wants people to feel at home. What shall we +do? Would you like to hear the speeches? Thomas, open the door a +little, do! + +JAMES. 'Umour 'er a couple o' inches, Tommy! + + [THOMAS draws the door back stealthily an inch or so.] + +L. ANNE. [After applying her eye-in a loud whisper] There's the old +lady. Daddy's looking at her trousers. Listen! + + [For MRS. LEMMY'S voice is floating faintly through: "I putt in + the buttonholes, I stretches the flies; I 'ems the bottoms; I + lines the crutch; I putt on this bindin'; I sews on the buttons; + I presses the seams--Tuppence three farthin's the pair.] + +LEMMY. [In a hoarse whisper] That's it, old lydy: give it 'em! + +L. ANNE. Listen! + +VOICE OF LORD W. We are indebted to our friends the Press for giving +us the pleasure--er--pleasure of hearing from her own lips--the +pleasure---- + +L. ANNE. Oh! Daddy! + + [THOMAS abruptly closes the doors.] + +LEMMY. [To ANNE] Now yer've done it. See wot comes o' bein' +impytient. We was just gettin' to the marrer. + +L. ANNE. What can we do for you now? + +LEMMY. [Pointing to ANNE, and addressing JAMES] Wot is this one, +anywy? + +JAMES. [Sepulchrally] Daughter o' the house. + +LEMMY. Is she insured agynst 'er own curiosity? + +L. ANNE. Why? + +LEMMY. As I daon't believe in a life beyond the gryve, I might be +tempted to send yer there. + +L. ANNE. What is the gryve? + +LEMMY. Where little gells goes to. + +L. ANNE. Oh, when? + +LEMMY. [Pretending to look at a match, which is not there] Well, I +dunno if I've got time to finish yer this minute. Sy to-mower at. +'arf past. + +L. ANNE. Half past what? + +LEMMY. [Despairingly] 'Arf past wot! + + [The sound of applause is heard.] + +JAMES. That's 'is Grace. 'E's gettin' wickets, too. + + [POULDER entering from the door.] + +POULDER. Lord William is slippin' in. + + [He makes a cabalistic sign with his head. Jeers crosses to the + door. LEMMY looks dubiously at POULDER.] + +LEMMY. [Suddenly--as to himself] Wot oh! I am the portly one! + +POULDER. [Severely] Any such allusion aggeravates your offence. + +LEMMY. Oh, ah! Look 'ere, it was a corked bottle. Now, tyke care, +tyke care, 'aughty! Daon't curl yer lip! I shall myke a clean +breast o' my betryal when the time comes! + + [There is a alight movement of the door. ANNE makes a dive + towards the table but is arrested by POULDER grasping her + waistband. LORD WILLIAM slips in, followed by THE PRESS, on + whom JAMES and THOMAS close the door too soon.] + +HALF OF THE PRESS. [Indignantly] Look out! + +JAMES. Do you want him in or out, me Lord? + +LEMMY. I sy, you've divided the Press; 'e was unanimous. + + [The FOOTMEN let THE PRESS through.] + +LORD W. [To THE PRESS] I'm so sorry. + +LEMMY. Would yer like me to see to 'is gas? + +LORD W. So you're my friend of the cellars? + +LEMMY. [Uneasy] I daon't deny it. + + [POULDER begins removing LITTLE ANNE.] + +L. ANNE. Let me stay, Daddy; I haven't seen anything yet! If I go, +I shall only have to come down again when they loot the house. +Listen! + + [The hoarse strains of the Marseillaise are again heard from the + distance.] + +LORD W. [Blandly] Take her up, Poulder! + +L. ANNE. Well, I'm coming down again--and next time I shan't have +any clothes on, you know. + + [They vanish between the pillars. LORD WILLIAM makes a sign of + dismissal. The FOOTMAN file out.] + +LEMMY. [Admiringly] Luv'ly pyces! + +LORD W. [Pleasantly] Now then; let's have our talk, Mr.---- + +LEMMY. Lemmy. + +PRESS. [Who has slipped his note-book out] "Bombed and Bomber face +to face----" + +LEMMY. [Uneasy] I didn't come 'ere agyne on me own, yer know. The +Press betryed me. + +LORD W. Is that old lady your mother? + +LEMMY. The syme. I tell yer stryte, it was for 'er I took that old +bottle o' port. It was orful old. + +LORD W. Ah! Port? Probably the '83. Hope you both enjoyed it. + +LEMMY. So far-yus. Muvver'll suffer a bit tomower, I expect. + +LORD W. I should like to do something for your mother, if you'll +allow me. + +LEMMY. Oh! I'll allow yer. But I dunno wot she'll sy. + +LORD W. I can see she's a fine independent old lady! But suppose +you were to pay her ten bob a week, and keep my name out of it? + +LEMMY. Well, that's one wy o' YOU doin' somefink, 'yn't it? + +LORD W. I giving you the money, of course. + +PRESS. [Writing] "Lord William, with kingly generosity----" + +LEMMY. [Drawing attention to THE PRESS with his thumb] I sy-- +I daon't mind, meself--if you daon't---- + +LORD W. He won't write anything to annoy me. + +PRESS. This is the big thing, Lord William; it'll get the public +bang in the throat. + +LEMMY. [Confidentially] Bit dyngerous, 'yn't it? trustin' the +Press? Their right 'ands never knows wot their left 'ands is +writin'. [To THE PRESS] 'Yn't that true, speakin' as a man? + +PRESS. Mr. Lemmy, even the Press is capable of gratitude. + +LEMMY. Is it? I should ha' thought it was too important for a +little thing like that. [To LORD WILLIAM] But ye're quite right; we +couldn't do wivaht the Press--there wouldn't be no distress, no +coffin, no revolution--'cos nobody'd know nuffin' abaht it. Why! +There wouldn't be no life at all on Earf in these dyes, wivaht the +Press! It's them wot says: "Let there be Light--an' there is Light." + +LORD W. Umm! That's rather a new thought to me. [Writes on his +cuff.] + +LEMMY. But abaht Muvver, I'll tell yer 'ow we can arrynge. You send +'er the ten bob a week wivaht syin' anyfink, an' she'll fink it comes +from Gawd or the Gover'ment yer cawn't tell one from t'other in +Befnal Green. + +LORD W. All right; we'll' do that. + +LEMMY. Will yer reely? I'd like to shyke yer 'and. + + [LORD WILLIAM puts out his hand, which LEMMY grasps.] + +PRESS. [Writing] "The heartbeat of humanity was in that grasp +between the son of toil and the son of leisure." + +LEMMY. [Already ashamed of his emotion] 'Ere, 'arf a mo'! Which is +which? Daon't forget I'm aht o' wori; Lord William, if that's 'is +nyme, is workin 'ard at 'is Anti-Sweats! Wish I could get a job like +vat--jist suit me! + +LORD W. That hits hard, Mr. Lemmy. + +LEMMY. Daon't worry! Yer cawn't 'elp bein' born in the purple! + +LORD W. Ah! Tell me, what would you do in my place? + +LEMMY. Why--as the nobleman said in 'is well-known wy: "Sit in me +Club winder an' watch it ryne on the dam people!" That's if I was a +average nobleman! If I was a bit more noble, I might be tempted to +come the kind'earted on twenty thou' a year. Some prefers yachts, or +ryce 'orses. But philanthropy on the 'ole is syfer, in these dyes. + +LORD W. So you think one takes to it as a sort of insurance, Mr. +Lemmy? Is that quite fair? + +LEMMY. Well, we've all got a weakness towards bein' kind, somewhere +abaht us. But the moment wealf comes in, we 'yn't wot I call single- +'earted. If yer went into the foundytions of your wealf--would yer +feel like 'avin' any? It all comes from uvver people's 'ard, +unpleasant lybour--it's all built on Muvver as yer might sy. An' if +yer daon't get rid o' some of it in bein' kind--yer daon't feel syfe +nor comfy. + +LORD W. [Twisting his moustache) Your philosophy is very +pessimistic. + +LEMMY. Well, I calls meself an optimist; I sees the worst of +everyfink. Never disappynted, can afford to 'ave me smile under the +blackest sky. When deaf is squeezin' of me windpipe, I shall 'ave a +laugh in it! Fact is, if yer've 'ad to do wiv gas an' water pipes, +yer can fyce anyfing. [The distant Marseillaise blares up] 'Ark at +the revolution! + +LORD W. [Rather desperately] I know--hunger and all the rest of it! +And here am I, a rich man, and don't know what the deuce to do. + +LEMMY. Well, I'll tell yer. Throw yer cellars open, an' while the +populyce is gettin' drunk, sell all yer 'ave an' go an' live in +Ireland; they've got the millennium chronic over there. + + [LORD WILLIAM utters a short, vexed laugh, and begins to walk + about.] + +That's speakin' as a practical man. Speakin' as a synt "Bruvvers, +all I 'ave is yours. To-morrer I'm goin' dahn to the Lybour Exchynge +to git put on the wytin' list, syme as you!" + +LORD W. But, d--- it, man, there we should be, all together! Would +that help? + +LEMMY. Nao; but it'd syve a lot o' blood. + + [LORD WILLIAM stops abruptly, and looks first at LEMMY, then at + the cooler, still cohered with the Chinese mat.] + +Yer thought the Englishman could be taught to shed blood wiv syfety. +Not 'im! Once yer git 'im into an 'abit, yer cawn't git 'im out of +it agyne. 'E'll go on sheddin' blood mechanical--Conservative by +nyture. An' 'e won't myke nuffin' o' yours. Not even the Press wiv +'is 'oneyed words'll sty 'is 'and. + +LORD W. And what do you suggest we could have done, to avoid +trouble? + +LEMMY. [Warming to his theme] I'll tell yer. If all you wealfy +nobs wiv kepitel 'ad come it kind from the start after the war yer'd +never 'a been 'earin' the Marseillaisy naow. Lord! 'Ow you did talk +abaht Unity and a noo spirit in the Country. Noo spirit! Why, soon +as ever there was no dynger from outside, yer stawted to myke it +inside, wiv an iron'and. Naow, you've been in the war an' it's given +yer a feelin' 'eart; but most of the nobs wiv kepitel was too old or +too important to fight. They weren't born agyne. So naow that bad +times is come, we're 'owlin' for their blood. + +LORD W. I quite agree; I quite agree. I've often said much the same +thing. + +LEMMY. Voice cryin' in the wilderness--I daon't sy we was yngels-- +there was faults on bofe sides. [He looks at THE PRESS] The Press +could ha' helped yer a lot. Shall I tell yer wot the Press did? +"It's vital," said the Press, "that the country should be united, or +it will never recover." Nao strikes, nao 'omen nature, nao nuffink. +Kepitel an' Lybour like the Siamese twins. And, fust dispute that +come along, the Press orfs wiv its coat an' goes at it bald'eaded. +An' wot abaht since? Sich a riot o' nymes called, in Press--and +Pawlyement. Unpatriotic an' outrygeous demands o' lybour. Blood- +suckin' tyranny o' Kepitel; thieves an' dawgs an 'owlin Jackybines-- +gents throwin' books at each other; all the resources of edjucytion +exhausted! If I'd bin Prime Minister I'd 'ave 'ad the Press's gas +cut 'orf at the meter. Puffect liberty, of course, nao Censorship; +just sy wot yer like--an' never be 'eard of no more. + + [Turning suddenly to THE PRESS, who has been scribbling in pace + with this harangue, and now has developed a touch of writer's + cramp.] + +Why! 'Is 'end's out o' breath! Fink o' vet! + +LORD W. Great tribute to your eloquence, Mr. Lemmy! + + [A sudden stir of applause and scraping of chairs is heard; the + meeting is evidently breaking up. LADY WILLIAM comes in, + followed by MRS. LEMMY with her trousers, and LITTLE AIDA. + LEMMY stares fixedly at this sudden, radiant apparition. His + gaze becomes as that of a rabbit regarding a snake. And + suddenly he puts up his hand and wipes his brow.] + + [LADY WILLIAM, going to the table, lifts one end of the Chinese + mat, and looks at LEMMY. Then she turns to LORD WILLIAM.] + +LADY W. Bill! + +LEMMY. [To his mother--in a hoarse whisper] She calls 'im Bill. +'Ow! 'Yn't she IT? + +LADY W. [Apart] Have you--spoken to him? + + [LORD WILLIAM shakes his head.] + +Not? What have you been saying, then? + +LORD W. Nothing, he's talked all the time. + +LADY W. [Very low] What a little caution! + +LORD W. Steady, old girl! He's got his eye on you! + + [LADY WILLIAM looks at LEMMY, whose eyes are still fixed on + her.] + +LADY W. [With resolution] Well, I'm going to tackle him. + + [She moves towards LEMMY, who again wipes his brow, and wrings + out his hand.] + +MRS. LEMMY. Don't 'ee du that, Bob. Yu must forgive'im, Ma'am; it's +'is admiration. 'E was always one for the ladies, and he'm not used +to seein' so much of 'em. + +LADY W. Don't you think you owe us an explanation? + +MRS. LEMMY. Speak up, Bob. + + [But LEMMY only shifts his feet.] + +My gudeness! 'E've a-lost 'is tongue. I never knu that 'appen to 'e +before. + +LORD W. [Trying to break the embarrassment] No ill-feeling, you +know, Lemmy. + + [But LEMMY still only rolls his eyes.] + +LADY W. Don't you think it was rather--inconsiderate of you? + +LEMMY. Muvver, tyke me aht, I'm feelin' fynte! + + [Spurts of the Marseillaise and the mutter of the crowd have + been coming nearer; and suddenly a knocking is heard. POULDER + and JAMES appear between the pillars.] + +POULDER. The populace, me Lord! + +LADY W. What! + +LORD W. Where've you put 'em, Poulder? + +POULDER. They've put theirselves in the portico, me Lord. + +LORD W. [Suddenly wiping his brow] Phew! I say, this is awful, +Nell! Two speeches in one evening. Nothing else for it, I suppose. +Open the window, Poulder! + +POULDER. [Crossing to the window] We are prepared for any +sacrifice, me Lord. + + [He opens the window.] + +PRESS. [Writing furiously] "Lady William stood like a statue at +bay." + +LORD W. Got one of those lozenges on you, Nell? + + [But LADY WILLIAM has almost nothing on her.] + +LEMMY. [Producing a paper from his pocket] 'Ave one o' my gum +drops? + + [He passes it to LORD WILLIAM.] + +LORD W. [Unable to refuse, takes a large, flat gum drop from the +paper, and looks at it in embarrassment.] Ah! thanks! Thanks +awfully! + + [LEMMY turns to LITTLE AIDA, and puts a gum drop in her mouth. + A burst of murmurs from the crowd.] + +JAMES. [Towering above the wine cooler] If they get saucy, me Lord, +I can always give 'em their own back. + +LORD W. Steady, James; steady! + + [He puts the gum drop absently in his mouth, and turns up to the + open window.] + +VOICE. [Outside] 'Ere they are--the bally plutocrats. + + [Voices in chorus: "Bread! Bread!"] + +LORD W. Poulder, go and tell the chef to send out anything there is +in the house--nicely, as if it came from nowhere in particular. + +POULDER. Very good, me Lord. [Sotto voce] Any wine? If I might +suggest--German--'ock? + +LORD W. What you like. + +POULDER. Very good, me Lord. [He goes.] + +LORD W. I say, dash it, Nell, my teeth are stuck! [He works his +finger in his mouth. + +LADY W. Take it out, darling. + +LORD W. [Taking out the gum drop and looking at it] What the deuce +did I put it in for? + +PRESS. ['Writing] "With inimitable coolness Lord William prepared +to address the crowd." + + [Voices in chorea: "Bread! Bread!"] + +LORD W. Stand by to prompt, old girl. Now for it. This ghastly gum +drop! + + [LORD WILLIAM takes it from his agitated hand, and flips it + through the window.] + +VOICE. Dahn with the aristo---- [Chokes.] + +LADY W. Oh! Bill----oh! It's gone into a mouth! + +LORD W. Good God! + +VOICE. Wet's this? Throwin' things? Mind aht, or we'll smash yer +winders! + + [As the voices in chorus chant: "Bread! Bread!" LITTLE ANNE, + night-gowned, darts in from the hall. She is followed by MISS + STOKES. They stand listening.] + +LORD W. [To the Crowd] My friends, you've come to the wrong shop. +There's nobody in London more sympathetic with you. [The crowd +laughs hoarsely. [Whispering] Look out, old girl; they can see your +shoulders. [LORD WILLIAM moves back a step.] If I were a speaker, I +could make you feel---- + +VOICE. Look at his white weskit! Blood-suckers--fattened on the +people! + + [JAMES dives his hand at the wine cooler.] + +LORD W. I've always said the Government ought to take immediate +steps---- + +VOICE. To shoot us dahn. + +LORD W. Not a bit. To relieve the--er---- + +LADY W. [Prompting] Distress. + +LADY W. Distress, and ensure--er--ensure + +LADY W. [Prompting) Quiet. + +LORD W. [To her] No, no. To ensure--ensure---- + +L. ANNE. [Agonized] Oh, Daddy! + +VOICE. 'E wants to syve 'is dirty great 'ouse. + +LORD W. [Roused] D---- if I do! + + [Rude and hoarse laughter from the crowd.] + +JAMES. [With fury] Me Lord, let me blow 'em to glory! + + [He raises the cooler and advances towards the window.] + +LORD W. [Turning sharply on him] Drop it, James; drop it! + +PRESS. [Jumping] No, no; don't drop it! + + [JAMES retires crestfallen to the table, where he replaces the + cooler.] + +LORD W. [Catching hold of his bit] Look here, I must have fought +alongside some of you fellows in the war. Weren't we jolly well like +brothers? + +A VOICE. Not so much bloomin' "Kamerad"; hand over yer 'Ouse. + +LORD W. I was born with this beastly great house, and money, and +goodness knows what other entanglements--a wife and family---- + +VOICE. Born with a wife and family! + + [Jeers and laughter.] + +LORD W. I feel we're all in the same boat, and I want to pull my +weight. If you can show me the way, I'll take it fast enough. + +A DEEP VOICE. Step dahn then, an' we'll step up. + +ANOTHER VOICE. 'Ear, 'Ear! + + [A fierce little cheer.] + +LORD W. [To LADY WILLIAM--in despair] By George! I can't get in +anywhere! + +LADY W. [Calmly] Then shut the window, Bill. + +LEMMY. [Who has been moving towards them slowly] Lemme sy a word to +'em. + + [All stare at him. LEMMY approaches the window, followed by + LITTLE AIDA. POULDER re-enters with the three other footmen.] + +[At the window] Cheerio! Cockies! + + [The silence of surprise falls on the crowd.] + +I'm one of yer. Gas an' water I am. Got more grievances an' out of +employment than any of yer. I want to see their blood flow, syme as +you. + +PRESS. [writing] "Born orator--ready cockney wit--saves situation." + +LEMMY. Wot I sy is: Dahn wiv the country, dahn wiv everyfing. Begin +agyne from the foundytions. [Nodding his head back at the room] But +we've got to keep one or two o' these 'ere under glawss, to show our +future generytions. An' this one is 'armless. His pipes is sahnd, +'is 'eart is good; 'is 'ead is not strong. Is 'ouse will myke a +charmin' palace o' varieties where our children can come an' see 'ow +they did it in the good old dyes. Yer never see rich waxworks as 'is +butler and 'is four conscientious khaki footmen. Why--wot dyer think +'e 'as 'em for--fear they might be out o'-works like you an' me. +Nao! Keep this one; 'e's a Flower. 'Arf a mo'! I'll show yer my +Muvver. Come 'ere, old lydy; and bring yer trahsers. [MRS. LEMMY +comes forward to the window] Tell abaht yer speech to the meetin'. + +MRS. LEMMY. [Bridling] Oh dear! Well, I cam' in with me trousers, +an' they putt me up on the pedestory at once, so I tole 'em. +[Holding up the trousers] "I putt in the button'oles, I stretches +the flies; I lines the crutch; I putt on this bindin', I presses the +seams--Tuppence three farthin's a pair." + + [A groan from tote crowd, ] + +LEMMY. [Showing her off] Seventy-seven! Wot's 'er income? Twelve +bob a week; seven from the Gover'ment an' five from the sweat of 'er +brow. Look at 'er! 'Yn't she a tight old dear to keep it goin'! No +workus for 'er, nao fear! The gryve rather! + + [Murmurs from the crowd, at Whom MRS. LEMMY is blandly smiling.] + +You cawn't git below 'er--impossible! She's the foundytions of the +country--an' rocky 'yn't the word for 'em. Worked 'ard all 'er life, +brought up a family and buried 'em on it. Twelve bob a week, an' +given when 'er fingers goes, which is very near. Well, naow, this +torf 'ere comes to me an' says: "I'd like to do somefin' for yer +muvver. 'Ow's ten bob a week?" 'e says. Naobody arst 'im--quite on +'is own. That's the sort 'e is. [Sinking his voice confidentially] +Sorft. You bring yer muvvers 'ere, 'e'll do the syme for them. I +giv yer the 'int. + +VOICE. [From the crowd] What's 'is nyme? + +LEMMY. They calls 'im Bill. + +VOICE. Bill What? + +L. ANNE. Dromondy. + +LADY W. Anne! + +LEMMY. Dromedary 'is nyme is. + +VOICE. [From the crowd] Three cheers for Bill Dromedary. + +LEMMY. I sy, there's veal an' 'am, an' pork wine at the back for +them as wants it; I 'eard the word passed. An' look 'ere, if yer +want a flag for the revolution, tyke muvver's trahsers an' tie 'em to +the corfin. Yer cawn't 'ave no more inspirin' banner. Ketch! [He +throws the trousers out] Give Bill a double-barrel fast, to show +there's no ill-feelin'. Ip, 'ip! + + [The crowd cheers, then slowly passes away, singing at a hoarse + version of the Marseillaise, till all that is heard is a faint + murmuring and a distant barrel-organ playing the same tune.] + +PRESS. [Writing] "And far up in the clear summer air the larks were +singing." + +LORD W. [Passing his heard over his hair, and blinking his eyes] +James! Ready? + +JAMES. Me Lord! + +L. ANNE. Daddy! + +LADY W. [Taking his arm] Bill! It's all right, old man--all right! + +LORD W. [Blinking] Those infernal larks! Thought we were on the +Somme again! Ah! Mr. Lemmy, [Still rather dreamy] no end obliged +to you; you're so decent. Now, why did you want to blow us up before +dinner? + +LEMMY. Blow yer up? [Passing his hand over his hair in travesty] +"Is it a dream? Then wykin' would be pyne." + +MRS. LEMMY. Bo-ob! Not so saucy, my boy! + +LEMMY. Blow yet up? Wot abaht it? + +LADY W. [Indicating the bomb] This, Mr. Lemmy! + + [LEMMY looks at it, and his eyes roll and goggle.] + +LORD W. Come, all's forgiven! But why did you? + +LEMMY. Orl right! I'm goin' to tyke it awy; it'd a-been a bit +ork'ard for me. I'll want it to-mower. + +LORD W. What! To leave somewhere else? + +LEMMY. 'Yus, of course! + +LORD W. No, no; dash it! Tell us what's it filled with? + +LEMMY. Filled wiv? Nuffin'. Wot did yet expect? Toof-pahder? +It's got a bit o' my lead soldered on to it. That's why it's 'eavy! + +LORD W. But what is it? + +LEMMY. Wot is it? [His eyes are fearfully fixed on LADY WILLIAM] I +fought everybody knew 'em. + +LADY W. Mr. Lemmy, you must clear this up, please. + +LEMMY. [TO LORD WILLIAM, With his eyes still held On LADY WILLIAM-- +mysteriously] Wiv lydies present? 'Adn't I better tell the Press? + +LORD W. All right; tell someone--anyone! + + [LEMMY goes down to THE PRESS, who is reading over his last + note. Everyone watches and listens with the utmost discretion, + while he whispers into the ear of THE PRESS; who shakes his head + violently.] + +PRESS. No, no; it's too horrible. It destroys my whole---- + +LEMMY. Well, I tell yer it is. + + [Whispers again violently.] + +PRESS. No, no; I can't have it. All my article! All my article! +It can't be--no---- + +LEMMY. I never see sick an obstinate thick-head! Yer 'yn't worvy of +yet tryde. + + [He whispers still more violently and makes cabalistic signs.] + + [LADY WILLIAM lifts the bomb from the cooler into the sight of + all. LORD WILLIAM, seeing it for the first time in full light, + bends double in silent laughter, and whispers to his wife. LADY + WILLIAM drops the bomb and gives way too. Hearing the sound, + LEMMY turns, and his goggling eyes pan them all in review. LORD + and LADY WILLIAM in fits of laughter, LITTLE ANNE stamping her + feet, for MISS STOKES, red, but composed, has her hands placed + firmly over her pupil's eyes and ears; LITTLE AIDA smiling + brilliantly, MRS. LEMMY blandly in sympathy, neither knowing + why; the FOUR FOOTMAN in a row, smothering little explosions. + POULDER, extremely grave and red, THE PRESS perfectly haggard, + gnawing at his nails.] + +LEMMY. [Turning to THE PRESS] Blimy! It amooses 'em, all but the +genteel ones. Cheer oh! Press! Yer can always myke somefin' out o' +nufun'? It's not the fust thing as 'as existed in yer imaginytion +only. + +PRESS. No, d--- it; I'll keep it a bomb! + +LEMMY. [Soothingly] Ah! Keep the sensytion. Wot's the troof +compared wiv that? Come on, Muvver! Come on, Little Aida! Time we +was goin' dahn to 'Earf. + + [He goes up to the table, and still skidding a little at LADY + WILLIAM, takes the late bomb from the cooler, placing it under + his arm.] + +MRS. LEMMY. Gude naight, sir; gude naight, ma'am; thank yu for my +cup o' tea, an' all yore kindness. + + [She shakes hands with LORD and LADY WILLIAM, drops the curtsey + of her youth before Mr. POULDER, and goes out followed by LITTLE + AIDA, who is looking back at LITTLE ANNE.] + +LEMMY. [Turning suddenly] Aoh! An' jist one frog! Next time yer +build an 'ouse, daon't forget--it's the foundytions as bears the +wyte. + + [With a wink that gives way, to a last fascinated look at LADY + WILLIAM, he passes out. All gaze after them, except THE PRESS, + who is tragically consulting his spiflicated notes.] + +L. ANNE. [Breaking away from Miss STOKES and rushing forward] Oh! +Mum! what was it? + + +CURTAIN + + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of THE FOUNDATIONS, a play in +FOURTH SERIES by John Galsworthy. + diff --git a/old/fndat10.zip b/old/fndat10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0debb2e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/fndat10.zip diff --git a/old/fndat11.txt b/old/fndat11.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5ec9ee9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/fndat11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3783 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext of The Foundations (Play), by John Galsworthy +#29 in our series by John Galsworthy + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before distributing this or any other +Project Gutenberg file. + +We encourage you to keep this file, exactly as it is, on your +own disk, thereby keeping an electronic path open for future +readers. 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LEMMY in Bethnal Green. + +SCENE III. Ante-room of the hall at LORD WILLIAM DROMONDY'S + + + +The Action passes continuously between 8 and 10.30 of a +summer evening, some years after the Great War. + + + + +ACT I + + +LORD WILLIAM DROMONDY'S mansion in Park Lane. Eight o'clock of the +evening. LITTLE ANNE DROMONDY and the large footman, JAMES, gaunt +and grin, discovered in the wine cellar, by light of gas. JAMES, in +plush breeches, is selecting wine. + +L. ANNE: James, are you really James? + +JAMES. No, my proper name's John. + +L. ANNE. Oh! [A pause] And is Charles's an improper name too? + +JAMES. His proper name's Mark. + +L. ANNE. Then is Thomas Matthew? + +JAMES. Miss Anne, stand clear o' that bin. You'll put your foot +through one o' those 'ock bottles. + +L. ANNE. No, but James--Henry might be Luke, really? + +JAMES. Now shut it, Miss Anne! + +L. ANNE. Who gave you those names? Not your godfathers and +godmothers? + +JAMES. Poulder. Butlers think they're the Almighty. [Gloomily] +But his name's Bartholomew. + +L. ANNE. Bartholomew Poulder? It's rather jolly. + +JAMES. It's hidjeous. + +L. ANNE. Which do you like to be called--John or James? + +JAMES. I don't give a darn. + +L. ANNE. What is a darn? + +JAMES. 'Tain't in the dictionary. + +L. ANNE. Do you like my name? Anne Dromondy? It's old, you know. +But it's funny, isn't it? + +JAMES. [Indifferently] It'll pass. + +L. ANNE. How many bottles have you got to pick out? + +JAMES. Thirty-four. + +L. ANNE. Are they all for the dinner, or for the people who come in +to the Anti-Sweating Meeting afterwards? + +JAMES. All for the dinner. They give the Sweated--tea. + +L. ANNE. All for the dinner? They'll drink too much, won't they? + +JAMES. We've got to be on the safe side. + +L. ANNE. Will it be safer if they drink too much? + + [JAMES pauses in the act of dusting a bottle to look at her, as + if suspecting irony.] + +[Sniffing] Isn't the smell delicious here-like the taste of cherries +when they've gone bad--[She sniffs again] and mushrooms; and boot +blacking. + +JAMES. That's the escape of gas. + +L. ANNE. Has the plumber's man been? + +JAMES. Yes. + +L. ANNE. Which one? + +JAMES. Little blighter I've never seen before. + +L. ANNE. What is a little blighter? Can I see? + +JAMES. He's just gone. + +L. ANNE. [Straying] Oh! . . . James, are these really the +foundations? + +JAMES. You might 'arf say so. There's a lot under a woppin' big +house like this; you can't hardly get to the bottom of it. + +L. ANNE. Everything's built on something, isn't it? And what's THAT +built on? + +JAMES. Ask another. + +L. ANNE. If you wanted to blow it up, though, you'd have to begin +from here, wouldn't you? + +JAMES. Who'd want to blow it up? + +L. ANNE. It would make a mess in Park Lane. + +JAMES. I've seen a lot bigger messes than this'd make, out in the +war. + +L. ANNE. Oh! but that's years ago! Was it like this in the +trenches, James? + +JAMES. [Grimly] Ah! 'Cept that you couldn't lay your 'and on a +bottle o' port when you wanted one. + +L. ANNE. Do you, when you want it, here? + +JAMES. [On guard] I only suggest it's possible. + +L. ANNE. Perhaps Poulder does. + +JAMES. [Icily] I say nothin' about that. + +L. ANNE. Oh! Do say something! + +JAMES. I'm ashamed of you, Miss Anne, pumpin' me! + +L. ANNE. [Reproachfully] I'm not pumpin'! I only want to make +Poulder jump when I ask him. + +JAMES. [Grinning] Try it on your own responsibility, then; don't +bring me in! + +L. ANNE. [Switching off] James, do you think there's going to be a +bloody revolution? + +JAMES. [Shocked] I shouldn't use that word, at your age. + +L. ANNE. Why not? Daddy used it this morning to Mother. +[Imitating] "The country's in an awful state, darling; there's going +to be a bloody revolution, and we shall all be blown sky-high." Do +you like Daddy? + +JAMES. [Taken aback] Like Lord William? What do you think? We +chaps would ha' done anything for him out there in the war. + +L. ANNE. He never says that he always says he'd have done anything +for you! + +JAMES. Well--that's the same thing. + +L. ANNE. It isn't--it's the opposite. What is class hatred, James? + +JAMES. [Wisely] Ah! A lot o' people thought when the war was over +there'd be no more o' that. [He sniggers] Used to amuse me to read +in the papers about the wonderful unity that was comin'. I could ha' +told 'em different. + +L. ANNE. Why should people hate? I like everybody. + +JAMES. You know such a lot o' people, don't you? + +L. ANNE. Well, Daddy likes everybody, and Mother likes everybody, +except the people who don't like Daddy. I bar Miss Stokes, of +course; but then, who wouldn't? + +JAMES. [With a touch of philosophy] That's right--we all bars them +that tries to get something out of us. + +L. ANNE. Who do you bar, James? + +JAMES. Well--[Enjoying the luxury of thought]--Speaking generally, I +bar everybody that looks down their noses at me. Out there in the +trenches, there'd come a shell, and orf'd go some orficer's head, an' +I'd think: That might ha' been me--we're all equal in the sight o' +the stars. But when I got home again among the torfs, I says to +meself: Out there, ye know, you filled a hole as well as me; but here +you've put it on again, with mufti. + +L. ANNE. James, are your breeches made of mufti? + +JAMES. [Contemplating his legs with a certain contempt] Ah! +Footmen were to ha' been off; but Lord William was scared we wouldn't +get jobs in the rush. We're on his conscience, and it's on my +conscience that I've been on his long enough--so, now I've saved a +bit, I'm goin' to take meself orf it. + +L. ANNE. Oh! Are you going? Where? + +JAMES. [Assembling the last bottles] Out o' Blighty! + +L. ANNE. Is a little blighter a little Englishman? + +JAMES. [Embarrassed] Well-'e can be. + +L. ANNE [Mining] James--we're quite safe down here, aren't we, in a +revolution? Only, we wouldn't have fun. Which would you rather--be +safe, or have fun? + +JAMES. [Grimly] Well, I had my bit o' fun in the war. + +L. ANNE. I like fun that happens when you're not looking. + +JAMES. Do you? You'd ha' been just suited. + +L. ANNE. James, is there a future life? Miss Stokes says so. + +JAMES. It's a belief, in the middle classes. + +L. ANNE. What are the middle classes? + +JAMES. Anything from two 'undred a year to supertax. + +L. ANNE. Mother says they're terrible. Is Miss Stokes middle class? + +JAMES. Yes. + +L. ANNE. Then I expect they are terrible. She's awfully virtuous, +though, isn't she? + +JAMES. 'Tisn't so much the bein' virtuous, as the lookin' it, that's +awful. + +L. ANNE. Are all the middle classes virtuous? Is Poulder? + +JAMES. [Dubiously] Well. Ask him! + +L. ANNE. Yes, I will. Look! + + [From an empty bin on the ground level she picks up a lighted + taper,--burnt almost to the end.] + +JAMES. [Contemplating it] Careless! + +L. Ate. Oh! And look! [She paints to a rounded metal object lying +in the bin, close to where the taper was] It's a bomb! + +She is about to pick it up when JAMES takes her by the waist and puts +her aside. + +JAMES. [Sternly] You stand back, there! I don't like the look o' +that! + +L. ANNE. [With intense interest] Is it really a bomb? What fun! + +JAMES. Go and fetch Poulder while I keep an eye on it. + +L. ANNE. [On tiptoe of excitement] If only I can make him jump! +Oh, James! we needn't put the light out, need we? + +JAMES. No. Clear off and get him, and don't you come back. + +L. ANNE. Oh! but I must! I found it! + +JAMES. Cut along. + +L. ANNE. Shall we bring a bucket? + +JAMES. Yes. [ANNE flies off.] + +[Gazing at the object] Near go! Thought I'd seen enough o'them +to last my time. That little gas blighter! He looked a rum 'un, +too--one o' these 'ere Bolshies. + + [In the presence of this grim object the habits of the past are + too much for him. He sits on the ground, leaning against one of + the bottle baskets, keeping his eyes on the bomb, his large, + lean, gorgeous body spread, one elbow on his plush knee. Taking + out an empty pipe, he places it mechanically, bowl down, between + his dips. There enter, behind him, as from a communication + trench, POULDER, in swallow-tails, with LITTLE ANNE behind him.] + +L. ANNE. [Peering round him--ecstatic] Hurrah! Not gone off yet! +It can't--can it--while James is sitting on it? + +POULDER. [Very broad and stout, with square shoulders,--a large +ruddy face, and a small mouth] No noise, Miss.--James. + +JAMES. Hallo! + +POULDER. What's all this? + +JAMES. Bomb! + +POULDER. Miss Anne, off you go, and don't you---- + +L. ANNE. Come back again! I know! [She flies.] + +JAMES. [Extending his hand with the pipe in it] See! + +POULDER. [Severely] You've been at it again! Look here, you're not +in the trenches now. Get up! What are your breeches goin' to be +like? You might break a bottle any moment! + +JAMES. [Rising with a jerk to a sort of "Attention!"] Look here, +you starched antiquity, you and I and that bomb are here in the sight +of the stars. If you don't look out I'll stamp on it and blow us all +to glory! Drop your civilian swank! + +POULDER. [Seeing red] Ho! Because you had the privilege of +fightin' for your country you still think you can put it on, do you? +Take up your wine! 'Pon my word, you fellers have got no nerve left! + + [JAMES makes a sudden swoop, lifts the bomb and poises it in + both hands. POULDER recoils against a bin and gazes, at the + object.] + +JAMES. Put up your hands! + +POULDER. I defy you to make me ridiculous. + +JAMES. [Fiercely] Up with 'em! + + [POULDER'S hands go up in an uncontrollable spasm, which he + subdues almost instantly, pulling them down again.] + +JAMES. Very good. [He lowers the bomb.] + +POULDER. [Surprised] I never lifted 'em. + +JAMES. You'd have made a first-class Boche, Poulder. Take the bomb +yourself; you're in charge of this section. + +POULDER. [Pouting] It's no part of my duty to carry menial objects; +if you're afraid of it I'll send 'Enry. + +JAMES. Afraid! You 'Op o' me thumb! + + [From the "communication trench" appears LITTLE ANNE, followed + by a thin, sharp, sallow-faced man of thirty-five or so, and + another FOOTMAN, carrying a wine-cooler.] + +L. ANNE. I've brought the bucket, and the Press. + +PRESS. [In front of POULDER'S round eyes and mouth] Ah, major domo, +I was just taking the names of the Anti-Sweating dinner. [He catches +sight of the bomb in JAMES'S hand] By George! What A.1. irony! [He +brings out a note-book and writes] "Highest class dining to relieve +distress of lowest class-bombed by same!" Tipping! [He rubs his +hands]. + +POULDER. [Drawing himself up] Sir? This is present! [He indicates +ANNE with the flat of his hand.] + +L. ANNE. I found the bomb. + +PRESS. [Absorbed] By Jove! This is a piece of luck! [He writes.] + +POULDER. [Observing him] This won't do--it won't do at all! + +PRESS. [Writing-absorbed] "Beginning of the British Revolution!" + +POULDER. [To JAMES] Put it in the cooler. 'Enry, 'old up the +cooler. Gently! Miss Anne, get be'ind the Press. + +JAMES. [Grimly--holding the bomb above the cooler] It won't be the +Press that'll stop Miss Anne's goin' to 'Eaven if one o' this sort +goes off. Look out! I'm goin' to drop it. + + [ALL recoil. HENRY puts the cooler down and backs away.] + +L. ANNE. [Dancing forward] Oh! Let me see! I missed all the war, +you know! + + [JAMES lowers the bomb into the cooler.] + +POULDER. [Regaining courage--to THE PRESS, who is scribbling in his +note-book] If you mention this before the police lay their hands on +it, it'll be contempt o' Court. + +PRESS. [Struck] I say, major domo, don't call in the police! +That's the last resort. Let me do the Sherlocking for you. Who's +been down here? + +L. ANNE. The plumber's man about the gas---a little blighter we'd +never seen before. + +JAMES. Lives close by, in Royal Court Mews--No. 3. I had a word +with him before he came down. Lemmy his name is. + +PRESS. "Lemmy!" [Noting the address] Right-o! + +L. ANNE. Oh! Do let me come with you! + +POULDER. [Barring the way] I've got to lay it all before Lord +William. + +PRESS. Ah! What's he like? + +POULDER. [With dignity] A gentleman, sir. + +PRESS. Then he won't want the police in. + +POULDER. Nor the Press, if I may go so far, as to say so. + +PRESS. One to you! But I defy you to keep this from the Press, +major domo: This is the most significant thing that has happened in +our time. Guy Fawkes is nothing to it. The foundations of Society +reeling! By George, it's a second Bethlehem! + + [He writes.] + +POULDER. [To JAMES] Take up your wine and follow me. 'Enry, bring +the cooler. Miss Anne, precede us. [To THE PRESS] You defy me? +Very well; I'm goin' to lock you up here. + +PRESS. [Uneasy] I say this is medieval. + + [He attempts to pass.] + +POULDER. [Barring the way] Not so! James, put him up in that empty +'ock bin. We can't have dinner disturbed in any way. + +JAMES. [Putting his hands on THE PRESS'S shoulders] Look here--go +quiet! I've had a grudge against you yellow newspaper boys ever +since the war--frothin' up your daily hate, an' makin' the Huns +desperate. You nearly took my life five hundred times out there. If +you squeal, I'm gain' to take yours once--and that'll be enough. + +PRESS. That's awfully unjust. Im not yellow! + +JAMES. Well, you look it. Hup. + +PRESS. Little Lady-Anne, haven't you any authority with these +fellows? + +L. ANNE. [Resisting Poulard's pressure] I won't go! I simply must +see James put him up! + +PRESS. Now, I warn you all plainly--there'll be a leader on this. + + [He tries to bolt but is seized by JAMES.] + +JAMES. [Ironically] Ho! + +PRESS. My paper has the biggest influence + +JAMES. That's the one! Git up in that 'ock bin, and mind your feet +among the claret. + +PRESS. This is an outrage on the Press. + +JAMES. Then it'll wipe out one by the Press on the Public--an' leave +just a million over! Hup! + +POULDER. 'Enry, give 'im an 'and. + + [THE PRESS mounts, assisted by JAMES and HENRY.] + +L. ANNE. [Ecstatic] It's lovely! + +POULDER. [Nervously] Mind the '87! Mind! + +JAMES. Mind your feet in Mr. Poulder's favourite wine! + + [A WOMAN'S voice is heard, as from the depths of a cave, calling + "Anne! Anne!"] + +L. ANNE. [Aghast] Miss Stokes--I must hide! + + [She gets behind POULDER. The three Servants achieve dignified + positions in front of the bins. The voice comes nearer. THE + PRESS sits dangling his feet, grinning. MISS STOKES appears. + She is woman of forty-five and terribly good manners. Her + greyish hair is rolled back off her forehead. She is in a high + evening dress, and in the dim light radiates a startled + composure.] + +MISS STOKES. Poulder, where is Miss Anne? + + [ANNE lays hold of the backs of his legs.] + +POULDER. [Wincing] I am not in a position to inform you, Miss. + +MISS S. They told me she was down here. And what is all this about +a bomb? + +POULDER. [Lifting his hand in a calming manner] The crisis is past; +we have it in ice, Miss. 'Enry, show Miss Stokes! [HENRY indicates +the cooler.] + +MISS S. Good gracious! Does Lord William know? + +POULDER. Not at present, Miss. + +MISS S. But he ought to, at once. + +POULDER. We 'ave 'ad complications. + +MISS S. [Catching sight of the legs of THE PRESS] Dear me! What +are those? + +JAMES. [Gloomily] The complications. + + [MISS STOKES pins up her glasses and stares at them.] + +PRESS. [Cheerfully] Miss Stokes, would you kindly tell Lord William +I'm here from the Press, and would like to speak to him? + +MISS S. But--er--why are you up there? + +JAMES. 'E got up out o' remorse, Miss. + +MISS S. What do you mean, James? + +PRESS. [Warmly] Miss Stokes, I appeal to you. Is it fair to +attribute responsibility to an unsigned journalist--for what he has +to say? + +JAMES. [Sepulchrally] Yes, when you've got 'im in a nice dark +place. + +MISS. S. James, be more respectful! We owe the Press a very great +debt. + +JAMES. I'm goin' to pay it, Miss. + +MISS S. [At a loss] Poulder, this is really most---- + +POULDER. I'm bound to keep the Press out of temptation, miss, till +I've laid it all before Lord William. 'Enry, take up the cooler. +James, watch 'im till we get clear, then bring on the rest of the +wine and lock up. Now, Miss. + +MISS S. But where is Anne? + +PRESS. Miss Stokes, as a lady----! + +MISS S. I shall go and fetch Lord William! + +POULDER. We will all go, Miss. + +L. ANNE. [Rushing out from behind his legs] No--me! + + [She eludes MISS STOKES and vanishes, followed by that + distracted but still well-mannered lady.] + +POULDER. [Looking at his watch] 'Enry, leave the cooler, and take +up the wine; tell Thomas to lay it out; get the champagne into ice, +and 'ave Charles 'andy in the 'all in case some literary bounder +comes punctual. + + [HENRY takes up the wine and goes.] + +PRESS. [Above his head] I say, let me down. This is a bit +undignified, you know. My paper's a great organ. + +POULDER. [After a moment's hesitation] Well--take 'im down, James; +he'll do some mischief among the bottles. + +JAMES. 'Op off your base, and trust to me. + + [THE, PRESS slides off the bin's edge, is received by JAMES, and + not landed gently.] + +POULDER. [Contemplating him] The incident's closed; no ill-feeling, +I hope? + +PRESS. No-o. + +POULDER. That's right. [Clearing his throat] While we're waitin' +for Lord William--if you're interested in wine--[Philosophically] +you can read the history of the times in this cellar. Take 'ock: [He +points to a bin] Not a bottle gone. German product, of course. +Now, that 'ock is 'sa 'avin' the time of its life--maturin' grandly; +got a wonderful chance. About the time we're bringin' ourselves to +drink it, we shall be havin' the next great war. With luck that 'ock +may lie there another quarter of a century, and a sweet pretty wine +it'll be. I only hope I may be here to drink it. Ah! [He shakes his +head]--but look at claret! Times are hard on claret. We're givin' +it an awful doin'. Now, there's a Ponty Canny [He points to a bin]- +if we weren't so 'opelessly allied with France, that wine would have +a reasonable future. As it is--none! We drink it up and up; not +more than sixty dozen left. And where's its equal to come from for a +dinner wine--ah! I ask you? On the other hand, port is steady; made +in a little country, all but the cobwebs and the old boot flavour; +guaranteed by the British Nary; we may 'ope for the best with port. +Do you drink it? + +PRESS. When I get the chance. + +POULDER. Ah! [Clears his throat] I've often wanted to ask: What do +they pay you--if it's not indelicate? + +[THE PRESS shrugs his shoulders.] + +Can you do it at the money? + +[THE PRESS shakes his head.] Still--it's an easy life! I've +regretted sometimes that I didn't have a shot at it myself; +influencin' other people without disclosin' your identity--something +very attractive about that. [Lowering his voice] Between man and +man, now-what do you think of the situation of the country--these +processions of the unemployed--the Red Flag an' the Marsillaisy in +the streets--all this talk about an upheaval? + +PRESS. Well, speaking as a Socialist---- + +POULDER. [Astounded] Why; I thought your paper was Tory! + +PRESS. So it is. That's nothing! + +POULDER. [Open-mouthed] Dear me! [Pointing to the bomb] Do you +really think there's something in this? + +JAMES. [Sepulchrally] 'Igh explosive. + +PRESS. [Taking out his note-book] Too much, anyway, to let it drop. + + [A pleasant voice calls "Poulder! Hallo!".] + +POULDER. [Forming a trumpet with his hand] Me Lord! + + [As LORD WILLIAM appears, JAMES, overcome by reminiscences; + salutes, and is mechanically answered. LORD WILLIAM has + "charm." His hair and moustache are crisp and just beginning to + grizzle. His bearing is free, easy, and only faintly armoured. + He will go far to meet you any day. He is in full evening + dress.] + +LORD W. [Cheerfully] I say, Poulder, what have you and James been +doing to the Press? Liberty of the Press--it isn't what it was, but +there is a limit. Where is he? + + [He turns to Jams between whom and himself there is still the + freemasonry of the trenches.] + +JAMES. [Pointing to POULDER] Be'ind the parapet, me Lord. + + [THE PRESS mopes out from where he has involuntarily been. + screened by POULDER, who looks at JAMES severely. LORD WILLIAM + hides a smile.] + +PRESS. Very glad to meet you, Lord William. My presence down here +is quite involuntary. + +LORD W. [With a charming smile] I know. The Press has to put its-- +er--to go to the bottom of everything. Where's this bomb, Poulder? +Ah! + + [He looks into the wine cooler.] + +PRESS. [Taking out his note-book] Could I have a word with you on +the crisis, before dinner, Lord William? + +LORD W. It's time you and James were up, Poulder. [Indicating the +cooler] Look after this; tell Lady William I'll be there in a +minute. + +POULDER. Very good, me Lord. + + [He goes, followed by JAMES carrying the cooler.] + + [As THE PRESS turns to look after them, LORD WILLIAM catches + sight of his back.] + +LORD W. I must apologise, sir. Can I brush you? + +PRESS. [Dusting himself] Thanks; it's only behind. [He opens his +note-book] Now, Lord William, if you'd kindly outline your views on +the national situation; after such a narrow escape from death, I feel +they might have a moral effect. My paper, as you know, is concerned +with--the deeper aspect of things. By the way, what do you value +your house and collection at? + +LORD W. [Twisting his little mustache] Really: I can't! Really! + +PRESS. Might I say a quarter of a million-lifted in two seconds and +a half-hundred thousand to the second. It brings it home, you know. + +LORD W. No, no; dash it! No! + +PRESS. [Disappointed] I see--not draw attention to your property in +the present excited state of public feeling? Well, suppose we +approach it from the viewpoint of the Anti-Sweating dinner. I have +the list of guests--very weighty! + +LORD W. Taken some lifting-wouldn't they? + +PRESS. [Seriously] May I say that you designed the dinner to soften +the tension, at this crisis? You saw that case, I suppose, this +morning, of the woman dying of starvation in Bethnal Green? + +LORD W. [Desperately] Yes-yes! I've been horribly affected. I +always knew this slump would come after the war, sooner or later. + +PRESS. [Writing] ". . . had predicted slump." + +LORD W. You see, I've been an Anti-Sweating man for years, and I +thought if only we could come together now . . . . + +PRESS. [Nodding] I see--I see! Get Society interested in the +Sweated, through the dinner. I have the menu here. [He produces it.] + +LORD W. Good God, man--more than that! I want to show the people +that we stand side by side with them, as we did in the trenches. The +whole thing's too jolly awful. I lie awake over it. + + [He walks up and down.] + +PRESS. [Scribbling] One moment, please. I'll just get that down-- +"Too jolly awful--lies awake over it. Was wearing a white waistcoat +with pearl buttons." [At a sign of resentment from his victim.] +I want the human touch, Lord William--it's everything in my paper. +What do you say about this attempt to bomb you? + +LORD W. Well, in a way I think it's d---d natural + +PRESS. [Scribbling] "Lord William thought it d---d natural." + +LORD W. [Overhearing] No, no; don't put that down. What I mean is, +I should like to get hold of those fellows that are singing the +Marseillaise about the streets--fellows that have been in the war-- +real sports they are, you know--thorough good chaps at bottom--and +say to them: "Have a feeling heart, boys; put yourself in my +position." I don't believe a bit they'd want to bomb me then. + + [He walks up and down.] + +PRESS. [Scribbling and muttering] "The idea, of brotherhood--" D'you +mind my saying that? Word brotherhood--always effective--always---- + + [He writes.] + +LORD E. [Bewildered] "Brotherhood!" Well, it's pure accident that +I'm here and they're there. All the same, I can't pretend to be +starving. Can't go out into Hyde Park and stand on a tub, can I? +But if I could only show them what I feel--they're such good chaps-- +poor devils. + +PRESS. I quite appreciate! [He writes] "Camel and needle's eye." +You were at Eton and Oxford? Your constituency I know. Clubs? But +I can get all that. Is it your view that Christianity is on the up- +grade, Lord William? + +LORD W. [Dubious] What d'you mean by Christianity--loving--kindness +and that? Of course I think that dogma's got the knock. + + [He walks.] + +PRESS. [Writing] "Lord William thought dogma had got the knock." +I should like you just to develop your definition of Christianity. +"Loving--kindness" strikes rather a new note. + +LORD W. New? What about the Sermon on the Mount? + +PRESS. [Writing] "Refers to Sermon on Mount." I take it you don't +belong to any Church, Lord William? + +LORD W. [Exasperated] Well, really--I've been baptised and that +sort of thing. But look here---- + +PRESS. Oh! you can trust me--I shan't say anything that you'll +regret. Now, do you consider that a religious revival would help to +quiet the country? + +LORD W. Well, I think it would be a deuced, good thing if everybody +were a bit more kind. + +PRESS. Ah! [Musing] I feel that your views are strikingly +original, Lord William. If you could just open out on them a little +more? How far would you apply kindness in practice? + +LORD W. Can you apply it in theory? + +PRESS. I believe it is done. But would you allow yourself to be +blown up with impunity? + +LORD W. Well, that's a bit extreme. But I quite sympathise with +this chap. Imagine yourself in his shoes. He sees a huge house, all +these bottles; us swilling them down; perhaps he's got a starving +wife, or consumptive kids. + +PRESS. [Writing and murmuring] Um-m! "Kids." + +LORD W. He thinks: "But for the grace of God, there swill I. Why +should that blighter have everything and I nothing?" and all that. + +PRESS. [Writing] "And all that." [Eagerly] Yes? + +LORD W. And gradually--you see--this contrast--becomes an obsession +with him. "There's got to be an example made," he thinks; and--er-- +he makes it, don't you know? + +PRESS. [Writing] Ye-es? And--when you're the example? + +LORD W. Well, you feel a bit blue, of course. But my point is that +you quite see it. + +PRESS. From the other world. Do you believe in a future life, Lord +William? The public took a lot of interest in the question, if you +remember, at the time of the war. It might revive at any moment, if +there's to be a revolution. + +LORD W. The wish is always father to the thought, isn't it? + +PRESS. Yes! But--er--doesn't the question of a future life rather +bear on your point about kindness? If there isn't one--why be kind? + +LORD W. Well, I should say one oughtn't to be kind for any motive-- +that's self-interest; but just because one feels it, don't you know. + +PRESS. [Writing vigorously] That's very new--very new! + +LORD W. [Simply] You chaps are wonderful. + +PRESS. [Doubtfully] You mean we're--we're---- + +LORD W. No, really. You have such a d---d hard time. It must be +perfectly beastly to interview fellows like me. + +PRESS. Oh! Not at all, Lord William. Not at all. I assure you +compared with a literary man, it's--it's almost heavenly. + +LORD W. You must have a wonderful knowledge of things. + +PRESS. [Bridling a little] Well--I shouldn't say that. + +LORD W. I don't see how you can avoid it. You turn your hands to +everything. + +PRESS. [Modestly] Well--yes, Yes. + +LORD W. I say: Is there really going to be a revolution, or are you +making it up, you Press? + +PRESS. We don't know. We never know whether we come before the +event, or it comes before us. + +LORD W. That's--very deep--very dip. D'you mind lending me your +note-book a moment. I'd like to stick that down. All right, I'll +use the other end. [THE PRESS hands it hypnotically.] + +LORD W. [Jotting] Thanks awfully. Now what's your real opinion of +the situation? + +PRESS. As a man or a Press man? + +LORD W. Is there any difference? + +PRESS. Is there any connection? + +LORD W. Well, as a man. + +PRESS. As a man, I think it's rotten. + +LORD W. [Jotting] "Rotten." And as a pressman? + +PRESS. [Smiling] Prime. + +LORD W. What! Like a Stilton cheese. Ha, ha! + + [He is about to write.] + +PRESS. My stunt, Lord William. You said that. + + [He jots it on his cuff.] + +LORD W. But look here! Would you say that a strong press movement +would help to quiet the country? + +PRESS. Well, as you ask me, Lord William, I'll tell you. No +newspapers for a month would do the trick. + +LORD W. [Jotting] By Jove! That's brilliant. + +PRESS. Yes, but I should starve. [He suddenly looks up, and his +eyes, like gimlets, bore their way into LORD WILLIAM'S pleasant, +troubled face] Lord William, you could do me a real kindness. +Authorise me to go and interview the fellow who left the bomb here; +I've got his address. I promise you to do it most discreetly. Fact +is--well--I'm in low water. Since the war we simply can't get +sensation enough for the new taste. Now, if I could have an article +headed: "Bombed and Bomber"--sort of double interview, you know, it'd +very likely set me on my legs again. [Very earnestly] Look! +[He holds out his frayed wristbands.] + +LORD W. [Grasping his hand] My dear chap, certainly. Go and +interview this blighter, and then bring him round here. You can do +that for one. I'd very much like to see him, as a matter of fact. + +PRESS. Thanks awfully; I shall never forget it. Oh! might I have +my note-book? + + [LORD WILLIAM hands it back.] + +LORD W. And look here, if there's anything--when a fellow's +fortunate and another's not---- + +[He puts his hand into his breast pocket.] + +PRESS. Oh, thank you! But you see, I shall have to write you up a +bit, Lord William. The old aristocracy--you know what the public +still expects; if you were to lend me money, you might feel---- + +LORD W. By Jove! Never should have dreamt---- + +PRESS. No! But it wouldn't do. Have you a photograph of yourself. + +LORD W. Not on me. + +PRESS. Pity! By the way, has it occurred to you that there may be +another bomb on the premises? + +LORD W. Phew! I'll have a look. + + [He looks at his watch, and begins hurriedly searching the bins, + bending down and going on his knees. THE PRESS reverses the + notebook again and sketches him.] + +PRESS. [To himself] Ah! That'll do. "Lord William examines the +foundations of his house." + + [A voice calls "Bill!" THE PRESS snaps the note-book to, and + looks up. There, where the "communication trench" runs in, + stands a tall and elegant woman in the extreme of evening + dress.] + + [With presence of mind] Lady William? You'll find Lord William +--Oh! Have you a photograph of him? + +LADY W. Not on me. + +PRESS. [Eyeing her] Er--no--I suppose not--no. Excuse me! [He +sidles past her and is gone.] + +LADY W. [With lifted eyebrows] Bill! + +LORD W. [Emerging, dusting his knees] Hallo, Nell! I was just +making sure there wasn't another bomb. + +LADY W. Yes; that's why I came dawn: Who was that person? + +LORD W. Press. + +LADY W. He looked awfully yellow. I hope you haven't been giving +yourself away. + +LORD W. [Dubiously] Well, I don't know. They're like corkscrews. + +LADY W. What did he ask you? + +LORD W. What didn't he? + +LADY W. Well, what did you tell him? + +LORD W. That I'd been baptised--but he promised not to put it down. + +LADY W. Bill, you are absurd. + + [She gives a light tittle laugh.] + +LORD W. I don't remember anything else, except that it was quite +natural we should be bombed, don't you know. + +LADY W. Why, what harm have we done? + +LORD W. Been born, my dear. [Suddenly serious] I say, Nell, how am +I to tell what this fellow felt when he left that bomb here? + +LADY W. Why do you want to? + +LORD W. Out there one used to know what one's men felt. + +LADY W. [Staring] My dear boy, I really don't think you ought to +see the Press; it always upsets you. + +LORD W. Well! Why should you and I be going to eat ourselves silly +to improve the condition of the sweated, when---- + +LADY W. [Calmly] When they're going to "improve" ours, if we don't +look out. We've got to get in first, Bill. + +LORD W. [Gloomily] I know. It's all fear. That's it! Here we +are, and here we shall stay--as if there'd never been a war. + +LADY W. Well, thank heaven there's no "front" to a revolution. You +and I can go to glory together this time. Compact! Anything that's +on, I'm to abate in. + +LORD W. Well, in reason. + +LADY W. No, in rhyme, too. + +LORD W. I say, your dress! + +LADY W. Yes, Poulder tried to stop me, but I wasn't going to have +you blown up without me. + +LORD W. You duck. You do look stunning. Give us a kiss! + +LADY W. [Starting back] Oh, Bill! Don't touch me--your hands! + +LORD W. Never mind, my mouth's clean. + +They stand about a yard apart, and banding their faces towards each +other, kiss on the lips. + +L. ANNE. [Appearing suddenly from the "communication trench," and +tip-toeing silently between them] Oh, Mum! You and Daddy ARE +wasting time! Dinner's ready, you know! + + + CURTAIN + + + + +ACT II + + The single room of old MRS. LEMMY, in a small grey house in + Bethnal Green, the room of one cumbered by little save age, and + the crockery debris of the past. A bed, a cupboard, a coloured + portrait of Queen Victoria, and--of all things--a fiddle, + hanging on the wall. By the side of old MRS. LEMMY in her chair + is a pile of corduroy trousers, her day's sweated sewing, and a + small table. She sits with her back to the window, through + which, in the last of the light, the opposite side of the little + grey street is visible under the evening sky, where hangs one + white cloud shaped like a horned beast. She is still sewing, + and her lips move. Being old, and lonely, she has that habit of + talking to herself, distressing to those who cannot overhear. + From the smack of her tongue she was once a West Country cottage + woman; from the look of her creased, parchmenty face, she was + once a pretty girl with black eyes, in which there is still much + vitality. The door is opened with difficulty and a little girl + enters, carrying a pile of unfinished corduroy trousers nearly + as large as herself. She puts them down against the wall, and + advances. She is eleven or twelve years old; large-eyed, dark + haired, and sallow. Half a woman of this and half of another + world, except when as now, she is as irresponsible a bit of life + as a little flowering weed growing out of a wall. She stands + looking at MRS. LEMMY with dancing eyes. + +L. AIDA. I've brought yer to-morrer's trahsers. Y'nt yer finished +wiv to-dy's? I want to tyke 'em. + +MRS. L. No, me dear. Drat this last one--me old fengers! + +L. AIDA. I learnt some poytry to-dy--I did. + +MRS. L. Well, I never! + +L. AIDA. [Reciting with unction] + + "Little lamb who myde thee? + Dost thou know who myde thee, + Gyve thee life and byde thee feed + By the stream and oer the mead; + Gyve the clothing of delight, + Softest clothing, woolly, bright; + Gyve thee such a tender voice, + Myking all the vyles rejoice. + Little lamb who myde thee? + Dost thou know who myde thee?" + +MRS. L. 'Tes wonderful what things they tache ya nowadays. + +L. AIDA. When I grow up I'm goin' to 'ave a revolver an' shoot the +people that steals my jools. + +MRS. L. Deary-me, wherever du yu get yore notions? + +L. AIDA. An' I'm goin' to ride on as 'orse be'ind a man; an' I'm +goin' to ryce trynes in my motor car. + +MRS. L. [Dryly] Ah!--Yu'um gwine to be very busy, that's sartin. +Can you sew? + +L. AIDA. [With a Smile] Nao. + +MRS. L. Don' they tache Yu that, there? + +L. AIDA. [Blending contempt and a lingering curiosity] Nao. + +MRS. L. 'Tes wonderful genteel. + +L. AIDA. I can sing, though. + +MRS. L. Let's 'ear yu, then. + +L. AIDA. [Shaking her head] I can ply the pianner. I can ply a +tune. + +MRS. L. Whose pianner? + +L. AIDA. Mrs. Brahn's when she's gone aht. + +MRS. L. Well, yu are gettin' edjucation! Du they tache yu to love +yore neighbours? + +L. AIDA. [Ineffably] Nao. [Straying to the window] Mrs. Lemmy, +what's the moon? + +MRS. L. The mune? Us used to zay 'twas made o' crame cheese. + +L. AIDA. I can see it. + +MRS. L. Ah! Don' yu never go wishin' for it, me dear. + +L. AIDA. I daon't. + +MRS. L. Folks as wish for the mune never du no gude. + +L. AIDA. [Craning out, brilliant] I'm goin' dahn in the street. +I'll come back for yer trahsers. + +MRS. L. Well; go yu, then, and get a breath o' fresh air in yore +chakes. I'll sune 'a feneshed. + +L. AIDA. [Solemnly] I'm goin' to be a dancer, I am. + +She rushes suddenly to the door, pulls it open, and is gone. + +MRS. L. [Looking after her, and talking to herself.] Ah! 'Er've +a-got all 'er troubles before 'er! "Little lamb, a made'ee?" +[Cackling] 'Tes a funny world, tu! [She sings to herself.] + + "There is a green 'ill far away + Without a city wall, + Where our dear-Lord was crucified, + 'U died to save us all." + + The door is opened, and LEMMY comes in; a little man with a + stubble of dark moustache and spiky dark hair; large, peculiar + eyes he has, and a look of laying his ears back, a look of + doubting, of perversity with laughter up the sleeve, that grows + on those who have to do with gas and water. He shuts the door. + +MRS. L. Well, Bob, I 'aven't a-seen yu this tu weeks. + + LEMMY comes up to his mother, and sits down on a stool, sets a + tool-bag between his knees, and speaks in a cockney voice. + +LEMMY. Well, old lydy o' leisure! Wot would y' 'ave for supper, if +yer could choose--salmon wivaht the tin, an' tipsy cyke? + +MRS. L. [Shaking her head and smiling blandly] That's showy. Toad +in the 'ole I'd 'ave--and a glass o' port wine. + +LEMMY. Providential. [He opens a tool-bag] Wot dyer think I've got +yer? + +MRS. L. I 'ope yu've a-got yureself a job, my son! + +LEMMY. [With his peculiar smile] Yus, or I couldn't 'ave afforded +yer this. [He takes out a bottle] Not 'arf! This'll put the blood +into yer. Pork wine--once in the cellars of the gryte. We'll drink +the ryyal family in this. + +[He apostrophises the portrait of Queen Victoria.] + +MRS. L. Ah! She was a praaper gude queen. I see 'er once, when 'er +was bein' burried. + +LEMMY. Ryalties--I got nothin' to sy agynst 'em in this country. +But the STYTE 'as got to 'ave its pipes seen to. The 'ole show's +goin' up pop. Yer'll wyke up one o' these dyes, old lydy, and find +yerself on the roof, wiv nuffin' between yer an' the grahnd. + +MRS. L. I can't tell what yu'm talkin' about. + +LEMMY. We're goin' to 'ave a triumpherat in this country Liberty, +Equality, Fraternity; an' if yer arsk me, they won't be in power six +months before they've cut each other's throats. But I don't care--I +want to see the blood flow! (Dispassionately) I don' care 'oose +blood it is. I want to see it flow! + +MRS. L. [Indulgently] Yu'm a funny boy, that's sartin. + +LEMMY. [Carving at the cork with a knife] This 'ere cork is like +Sasiety--rotten; it's old--old an' moulderin'. [He holds up a bit of +cork on the point of the knife] Crumblin' under the wax, it is. In +goes the screw an' out comes the cork. [With unction]--an' the blood +flows. [Tipping the bottle, he lets a drop fall into the middle of +his hand, and licks it up. Gazing with queer and doubting +commiseration at has mother] Well, old dear, wot shall we 'ave it +aht of--the gold loving-cup, or--what? 'Ave yer supper fust, though, +or it'll go to yer 'ead! [He goes to the cupboard and taken out a +disk in which a little bread is sopped in a little' milk] Cold pap! +'Ow can yer? 'Yn't yer got a kipper in the 'ouse? + +MRS. L. [Admiring the bottle] Port wine! 'Tis a brave treat! I'll +'ave it out of the "Present from Margitt," Bob. I tuk 'ee therr by +excursion when yu was six months. Yu 'ad a shrimp an' it choked yu +praaperly. Yu was always a squeamy little feller. I can't never +think 'ow yu managed in the war-time, makin' they shells. + + LEMMY, who has brought to the table two mugs and blown the duet + out of; them, fills them with port, and hands one to his mother, + who is eating her bread and milk. + +LEMMY. Ah! Nothin' worried me, 'cept the want o' soap. + +MRS. L. [Cackling gently] So it du still, then! Luke at yore face. +Yu never was a clean boy, like Jim. + + [She puts out a thin finger and touches his cheek, whereon is a + black smudge.] + +LEMMY. [Scrubbing his cheek with his sleeve.] All right! Y'see, I +come stryte 'ere, to get rid o' this. + + [He drinks.] + +MRS. L. [Eating her bread and milk] Tes a pity yu'm not got a wife +to see't yu wash yureself. + +LEMMY. [Goggling] Wife! Not me--I daon't want ter myke no food for +pahder. Wot oh!--they said, time o' the war--ye're fightin' for yer +children's 'eritage. Well; wot's the 'eritage like, now we've got +it? Empty as a shell before yer put the 'igh explosive in. Wot's it +like? [Warming to his theme] Like a prophecy in the pypers--not a +bit more substantial. + +MRS. L. [Slightly hypnotised] How 'e du talk! The gas goes to yore +'ead, I think! + +LEMMY. I did the gas to-dy in the cellars of an 'ouse where the wine +was mountains 'igh. A regiment couldn't 'a drunk it. Marble pillars +in the 'all, butler broad as an observytion balloon, an' four +conscientious khaki footmen. When the guns was roarin' the talk was +all for no more o' them glorious weeds-style an' luxury was orf. See +wot it is naow. You've got a bare crust in the cupboard 'ere, I +works from 'and to mouth in a glutted market--an' there they stand +abaht agyne in their britches in the 'oases o' the gryte. I was +reg'lar overcome by it. I left a thing in that cellar--I left a +thing . . . . It'll be a bit ork'ard for me to-mower. [Drinks +from his mug.] + +MRS. L. [Placidly, feeling the warmth of the little she has drunk] +What thing? + +LEMMY. Wot thing? Old lydy, ye're like a winkle afore yer opens +'er--I never see anything so peaceful. 'Ow dyer manage it? + +MRS. L. Settin' 'ere and thenkin'. + +LEA. Wot abaht? + +MRS. L. We-el--Money, an' the works o' God. + +LEMMY. Ah! So yer give me a thought sometimes. + +MRS. L. [Lofting her mug] Yu ought never to ha' spent yore money on +this, Bob! + +LEMMY. I thought that meself. + +MRS. L. Last time I 'ad a glass o' port wine was the day yore +brother Jim went to Ameriky. [Smacking her lips] For a teetotal +drink, it du warm 'ee! + +LEMMY. [Raising his mug] Well, 'ere's to the British revolution! +'Ere's to the conflygrytion in the sky! + +MRS. L. [Comfortably] So as to kape up therr, 'twon't du no 'arm. + + LEMMY goes to the window and unhooks his fiddle; he stands with + it halfway to his shoulder. Suddenly he opens the window and + leans out. A confused murmur of voices is heard; and a snatch + of the Marseillaise, sung by a girl. Then the shuffling tramp + of feet, and figures are passing in the street. + +LEMMY. [Turning--excited] Wot'd I tell yer, old lydy? There it is- +-there it is! + +MRS. L. [Placidly] What is? + +LEMMY. The revolution. [He cranes out] They've got it on a barrer. +Cheerio! + +VOICE. [Answering] Cheerio! + +LEMMY. [Leaning out] I sy--you 'yn't tykin' the body, are yer? + +VOICE. Nao. + +LEMMY. Did she die o' starvytion O.K.? + +VOICE. She bloomin' well did; I know 'er brother. + +LEMMY. Ah! That'll do us a bit o' good! + +VOICE. Cheerio! + +LEMMY. So long! + +VOICE. So long! + + [The girl's voice is heard again in the distance singing the + Marseillaise. The door is flung open and LITTLE AIDA comes + running in again.] + +LEMMY. 'Allo, little Aida! + +L. AIDA. 'Allo, I been follerin' the corfin. It's better than an +'orse dahn! + +MRS. L. What coffin? + +L. AIDA. Why, 'er's wot died o' starvytion up the street. They're +goin' to tyke it to 'Yde Pawk, and 'oller. + +MRS. L. Well, never yu mind wot they'm goin' to du: Yu wait an' take +my trousers like a gude gell. + + [She puts her mug aside and takes up her unfinished pair of + trousers. But the wine has entered her fingers, and strength to + push the needle through is lacking.] + +LEMMY. [Tuning his fiddle] Wot'll yer 'ave, little Aida? "Dead March +in Saul" or "When the fields was white wiv dysies"? + +L. AIDA. [With a hop and a brilliant smile] Aoh yus! "When the +fields"---- + +MRS. L. [With a gesture of despair] Deary me! I 'aven't a-got the +strength! + +LEMMY. Leave 'em alone, old dear! No one'll be goin' aht wivaht +trahsers to-night 'cos yer leaves that one undone. Little Aida, fold +'em up! + + [LITTLE AIDA methodically folds the five finished pairs of + trousers into a pile. LEMMY begins playing. A smile comes on + the face of MRS. L, who is rubbing her fingers. LITTLE AIDA, + trousers over arm, goes and stares at LEMMY playing.] + +LEMMY. [Stopping] Little Aida, one o' vese dyes yer'll myke an +actress. I can see it in yer fyce! + + [LITTLE AIDA looks at him wide-eyed.] + +MRS. L. Don't 'ee putt things into 'er 'ead, Bob! + +LEMMY. 'Tyn't 'er 'ead, old lydy--it's lower. She wants feedin'-- +feed 'er an' she'll rise. [He strikes into the "Machichi"] Look at +'er naow. I tell yer there's a fortune in 'er. + + [LITTLE AIDA has put out her tongue.] + +MRS. L. I'd saner there was a gude 'eart in 'er than any fortune. + +L. AIDA. [Hugging her pile of trousers] It's thirteen pence three +farthin's I've got to bring yer, an' a penny aht for me, mykes twelve +three farthin's: [With the same little hop and sudden smile] I'm +goin' to ride back on a bus, I am. + +LEMMY. Well, you myke the most of it up there; it's the nearest +you'll ever git to 'eaven. + +MRS. L. Don' yu discourage 'er, Bob; she'm a gude little thing, an't +yu, dear? + +L. AIDA. [Simply] Yus. + +LEMMY. Not 'arf. Wot c'her do wiv yesterdy's penny? + +L. AIDA. Movies. + +LEMMY. An' the dy before? + +L. AIDA. Movies. + +LEMMY. Wot'd I tell yer, old lydy--she's got vicious tystes, she'll +finish in the theayter yep Tyke my tip, little Aida; you put every +penny into yer foundytions, yer'll get on the boards quicker that wy. + +MRS. L. Don' yu pay no 'eed to his talk. + +L. AIDA. I daon't. + +Ice. Would yer like a sip aht o' my mug? + +L. AIDA. [Brilliant] Yus. + +MRS. L. Not at yore age, me dear, though it is teetotal. + + [LITTLE AIDA puts her head on one side, like a dog trying to + understand.] + +LEMMY. Well, 'ave one o' my gum-drops. + + [Holds out a paper.] + + [LITTLE AIDA brilliant, takes a flat, dark substance from it, + and puts it in her mouth.] + +Give me a kiss, an' I'll give yer a penny. + + [LITTLE AIDA shakes her head, and leans out of window.] + +Movver, she daon't know the valyer of money. + +MRS. L. Never mind 'im, me dear. + +L. AIDA. [Sucking the gum-drop--with difficulty] There's a taxi-cab +at the corner. + + [LITTLE AIDA runs to the door. A figure stands in the doorway; + she skids round him and out. THE PRESS comes in.] + +LEMMY. [Dubiously] Wat-oh! + +PRESS. Mr. Lemmy? + +LEMMY. The syme. + +PRESS. I'm from the Press. + +LEMMY. Blimy. + +PRESS. They told me at your place you wens very likely here. + +LEMMY. Yus I left Downin' Street a bit early to-dy! [He twangs the +feddle-strings pompously.] + +PRESS. [Taking out his note-book and writing] "Fiddles while Rome +is burning!" Mr. Lemmy, it's my business at this very critical time +to find out what the nation's thinking. Now, as a representative +working man + +LEMMY. That's me. + +PRESS. You can help me. What are your views? + +LEMMY. [Putting down fiddle] Voos? Sit dahn! + + [THE PRESS sits on the stool which LEMMY has vacated.] + +The Press--my Muvver. Seventy-seven. She's a wonder; 'yn't yer, old +dear? + +PRESS. Very happy to make your acquaintance, Ma'am. [He writes] +"Mrs. Lemmy, one of the veterans of industry----" By the way, I've +jest passed a lot of people following a coffin. + + +LEMMY. Centre o' the cyclone--cyse o' starvytion; you 'ad 'er in the +pyper this mornin'. + +PRESS. Ah! yes! Tragic occurrence. [Looking at the trousers.] Hub +of the Sweated Industries just here. I especially want to get at the +heart---- + +MRS. L. 'Twasn't the 'eart, 'twas the stomach. + +PRESS. [Writing] "Mrs. Lemmy goes straight to the point." + +LEMMY. Mister, is it my voos or Muvver's yer want? + +PRESS. Both. + +LEMMY. 'Cos if yer get Muvver's, yer won't 'ave time for mine. I +tell yer stryte [Confidentially] she's get a glawss a' port wine in +'er. Naow, mind yer, I'm not anxious to be intervooed. On the other +'and, anyfink I might 'eve to sy of valyer----There is a clawss o' +politician that 'as nuffn to sy--Aoh! an' daon't 'e sy it just! I +dunno wot pyper yer represent. + +PRESS. [Smiling] Well, Mr. Lemmy, it has the biggest influ---- + +LEMMY. They all 'as that; dylies, weeklies, evenin's, Sundyes; but +it's of no consequence--my voos are open and aboveboard. Naow, wot +shall we begin abaht? + +PRESS. Yourself, if you please. And I'd like you to know at once +that my paper wants the human note, the real heart-beat of things. + +LEMMY. I see; sensytion! Well; 'ere am I--a fustclawss plumber's. +assistant--in a job to-dy an' out tomorrer. There's a 'eart-beat in +that, I tell yer. 'Oo knows wot the mower 'as for me! + +PRESS. [Writing]. "The great human issue--Mr. Lemmy touches it at +once." + +LEMMY. I sy keep my nyme aht o' this; I don' go in fer self- +advertisement. + +PRESS. [Writing] "True working-man--modest as usual." + +LEMMY. I daon't want to embarrass the Gover'ment. They're so +ticklish ever since they got the 'abit, war-time, o' mindin' wot +people said. + +PRESS. Right-o! + +LEMMY. For instance, suppose there's goin' to be a revolution---- +[THE PRESS writes with energy.] 'Ow does it touch me? Like this: I +my go up--I cawn't come dahn; no more can Muvver. + +MRS. L. [Surprisingly] Us all goes down into the grave. + +PRESS. "Mrs. Lemmy interjects the deeper note." + +LEMMY. Naow, the gryte--they can come dahn, but they cawn't go up! +See! Put two an' two together, an' that's 'ow it touches me. [He +utters a throaty laugh] 'Ave yer got that? + +PRESS. [Quizzical] Not go up? What about bombs, Mr. Lemmy? + +LEMMY. [Dubious] Wot abaht 'em? I s'pose ye're on the comic +pypers? 'Ave yer noticed wot a weakness they 'ave for the 'orrible? + +PRESS. [Writing] "A grim humour peeped out here and there through +the earnestness of his talk." + + [He sketches LEMMY'S profile.] + +LEMMY. We 'ad an explosion in my factory time o' the war, that would +just ha' done for you comics. [He meditates] Lord! They was after +it too,--they an' the Sundyes; but the Censor did 'em. Strike me, I +could tell yer things! + +PRESS. That's what I want, Mr. Lemmy; tell me things! + +LEMMY. [Musing] It's a funny world, 'yn't it? 'Ow we did blow each +other up! [Getting up to admire] I sy, I shall be syfe there. That +won't betry me anonymiety. Why! I looks like the Prime Minister! + +PRESS. [Rather hurt] You were going to tell me things. + +LEMMY. Yus, an' they'll be the troof, too. + +PRESS. I hope so; we don't---- + +LEMMY. Wot oh! + +PRESS. [A little confused.] We always try to verify---- + +LEMMY. Yer leave it at tryin', daon't yer? Never, mind, ye're a +gryte institootion. Blimy, yer do have jokes, wiv it, spinnin' rahnd +on yer own tyles, denyin' to-dy wot ye're goin' to print to-morrer. +Ah, well! Ye're like all of us below the line o' comfort--live +dyngerously--ever' dy yer last. That's wy I'm interested in the +future. + +PRESS. Well now--the future. [Writing] "He prophesies." + +LEMMY. It's syfer, 'yn't it? [He winks] No one never looks back on +prophecies. I remembers an editor spring o' 1916 stykin' his +reputytion the war'd be over in the follerin' October. Increased 'is +circulytion abaht 'arf a million by it. 1917 an' war still on--'ad +'is readers gone back on 'im? Nao! They was increasin' like +rabbits. Prophesy wot people want to believe, an' ye're syfe. Naow, +I'll styke my reputption on somethin', you tyke it dahn word for +word. This country's goin' to the dawgs--Naow, 'ere's the +sensytion--unless we gets a new religion. + +PRESS. Ah! Now for it--yes? + +LEMMY. In one word: "Kindness." Daon't mistyke me, nao sickly +sentiment and nao patronizin'. Me as kind to the millionaire as 'im +to me. [Fills his mug and drinks.] + +PRESS. [Struck] That's queer! Kindness! [Writing] "Extremes +meet. Bombed and bomber breathing the same music." + +LEMMY. But 'ere's the interestin' pynt. Can it be done wivaht +blood? + +PRESS. [Writing] "He doubts." + +LEMMY. No dabt wotever. It cawn't! Blood-and-kindness! Spill the +blood o' them that aren't kind--an' there ye are! + +PRESS. But pardon me, how are you to tell? + +LEMMY. Blimy, they leaps to the heye! + +PRESS. [Laying down-his note-book] I say, let me talk to you as man +to man for a moment. + +LEMMY. Orl right. Give it a rest! + +PRESS. Your sentiments are familiar to me. I've got a friend on the +Press who's very keen on Christ and kindness; and wants to strangle +the last king with the--hamstrings of the last priest. + +LEMMY. [Greatly intrigued] Not 'arf! Does 'e? + +PRESS. Yes. But have you thought it out? Because he hasn't. + +LEMMY. The difficulty is--where to stop. + +PRESS. Where to begin. + +LEMMY. Lawd! I could begin almost anywhere. Why, every month +abaht, there's a cove turns me aht of a job 'cos I daon't do just wot +'e likes. They'd 'ave to go. . I tell yer stryte--the Temple wants +cleanin' up. + +PRESS. Ye-es. If I wrote what I thought, I should get the sack as +quick as you. D'you say that justifies me in shedding the blood of +my boss? + +LEMMY. The yaller Press 'as got no blood--'as it? You shed their +ile an' vinegar--that's wot you've got to do. Stryte--do yer believe +in the noble mission o' the Press? + +PRESS. [Enigmatically] Mr. Lemmy, I'm a Pressman. + +LEMMY. [Goggling] I see. Not much! [Gently jogging his mother's +elbow] Wyke up, old lydy! + + [For Mrs. LEMMY who has been sipping placidly at her port, is + nodding. The evening has drawn in. LEMMY strikes a match on + his trousers and lights a candle.] + +Blood an' kindness-that's what's wanted--'specially blood! The +'istory o' me an' my family'll show yer that. Tyke my bruver Fred- +crushed by burycrats. Tyke Muvver 'erself. Talk o' the wrongs o' +the people! I tell yer the foundytions is rotten. [He empties the +bottle into his mother's mug] Daon't mind the mud at the bottom, old +lydy--it's all strengthenin'! You tell the Press, Muvver. She can +talk abaht the pawst. + +PRESS. [Taking up his note-book, and becoming, again his +professional self] Yes, Mrs. Lemmy? "Age and Youth--Past and +Present--" + +MRS. L. Were yu talkin' about Fred? [The port has warmed her veins, +the colour in her eyes and cheeks has deepened] My son Fred was +always a gude boy--never did nothin' before 'e married. I can see +Fred [She bends forward a little in her chair, looking straight +before her] acomin' in wi' a pheasant 'e'd found--terrible 'e was at +findin' pheasants. When father died, an' yu was cumin', Bob, Fred 'e +said to me: "Don't yu never cry, Mother, I'll look after 'ee." An' +so 'e did, till 'e married that day six months an' take to the drink +in sower. 'E wasn't never 'the same boy again--not Fred. An' now +'e's in That. I can see poor Fred---- + + [She slowly wipes a tear out of the corner of an eye with the + back of her finger.] + +PRESS. [Puzzled] In--That? + +LEMMY. [Sotto voce] Come orf it! Prison! 'S wot she calls it. + +MRS. L. [Cheerful] They say life's a vale o' sorrows. Well, so +'tes, but don' du to let yureself thenk so. + +PRESS. And so you came to London, Mrs. Lemmy? + +MRS. L. Same year as father died. With the four o' them--that's my +son Fred, an' my son Jim, an' my son Tom, an' Alice. Bob there, 'e +was born in London--an' a praaper time I 'ad of et. + +PRESS. [Writing] "Her heroic struggles with poverty----" + +MRS. L. Worked in a laundry, I ded, at fifteen shellin's a week, an' +brought 'em all up on et till Alice 'ad the gallopin' consumption. I +can see poor Alice wi' the little red spots is 'er cheeks---an' I not +knowin' wot to du wi' 'her--but I always kept up their buryin' money. +Funerals is very dear; Mr. Lemmy was six pound, ten. + +PRESS. "High price of Mr. Lemmy." + +MRS. L. I've a-got the money for when my time come; never touch et, +no matter 'ow things are. Better a little goin' short here below, +an' enter the kingdom of 'eaven independent: + +PRESS. [Writing] "Death before dishonour--heroine of the slums. +Dickens--Betty Higden." + +MRS. L. No, sir. Mary Lemmy. I've seen a-many die, I 'ave; an' not +one grievin'. I often says to meself: [With a little laugh] "Me +dear, when yu go, yu go 'appy. Don' yu never fret about that," I +says. An' so I will; I'll go 'appy. + + [She stays quite still a moment, and behind her LEMMY draws one + finger across his face.] + +[Smiling] "Yore old fengers'll 'ave a rest. Think o' that!" I says. +"'Twill be a brave change." I can see myself lyin' there an' duin' +nothin'. + + [Again a pause, while MRS. LEMMY sees herself doing nothing.] + +LEMMY. Tell abaht Jim; old lydy. + +MRS. L. My son Jim 'ad a family o' seven in six years. "I don' know +'ow 'tes, Mother," 'e used to say to me; "they just sim to come!" +That was Jim--never knu from day to day what was cumin'. "Therr's +another of 'em dead," 'e used to say, "'tes funny, tu" "Well," I +used to say to 'im; "no wonder, poor little things, livin' in they +model dwellin's. Therr's no air for 'em," I used to say. "Well," 'e +used to say, "what can I du, Mother? Can't afford to live in Park +Lane:" An' 'e take an' went to Ameriky. [Her voice for the first +time is truly doleful] An' never came back. Fine feller. So that's +my four sons--One's dead, an' one's in--That, an' one's in Ameriky, +an' Bob 'ere, poor boy, 'e always was a talker. + + [LEMMY, who has re-seated himself in the window and taken up his + fiddle, twangs the strings.] + +PRESS. And now a few words about your work, Mrs. Lemmy? + +MRS. L. Well, I sews. + +PRESS. [Writing] "Sews." Yes? + +MRS. L. [Holding up her unfinished pair of trousers] I putt in the +button'oles, I stretches the flies, I lines the crutch, I putt on +this bindin', [She holds up the calico that binds the top] I sews on +the buttons, I press the seams--Tuppence three farthin's the pair. + +PRESS. Twopence three farthings a pair! Worse than a penny a line! + +MRS. L. In a gude day I gets thru four pairs, but they'm gettin' +plaguey 'ard for my old fengers. + +PRESS. [Writing] "A monumental figure, on whose labour is built the +mighty edifice of our industrialism." + +LEMMY. I sy--that's good. Yer'll keep that, won't yet? + +MRS. L. I finds me own cotton, tuppence three farthin's, and other +expension is a penny three farthin's. + +PRESS. And are you an exception, Mrs. Lemmy? + +MRS. L. What's that? + +LEMMY. Wot price the uvvers, old lydy? Is there a lot of yer sewin' +yer fingers orf at tuppence 'ypenny the pair? + +MRS. L. I can't tell yu that. I never sees nothin' in 'ere. I pays +a penny to that little gell to bring me a dozen pair an' fetch 'em +back. Poor little thing, she'm 'ardly strong enough to carry 'em. +Feel! They'm very 'eavy! + +PRESS. On the conscience of Society! + +LEMMY. I sy put that dahn, won't yer? + +PRESS. Have things changed much since the war, Mrs. Lemmy? + +MRS. L. Cotton's a lot dearer. + +PRESS. All round, I mean. + +MRS. L. Aw! Yu don' never get no change, not in my profession. +[She oscillates the trousers] I've a-been in trousers fifteen year; +ever since I got to old for laundry. + +PRESS. [Writing] "For fifteen years sewn trousers." What would a +good week be, Mrs. Lemmy? + +MRS. L. 'Tes a very gude week, five shellin's. + +LEMMY. [From the window] Bloomin' millionairess, Muvver. She's +lookin' forward to 'eaven, where vey don't wear no trahsers. + +MRS. L. [With spirit] 'Tidn for me to zay whether they du. An' +'tes on'y when I'm a bit low-sperrity-like as I wants to go therr. +What I am a-lukin' forward to, though, 'tes a day in the country. +I've not a-had one since before the war. A kind lady brought me in +that bit of 'eather; 'tes wonderful sweet stuff when the 'oney's in +et. When I was a little gell I used to zet in the 'eather gatherin' +the whorts, an' me little mouth all black wi' eatin' them. 'Twas in +the 'eather I used to zet, Sundays, courtin'. All flesh is grass-- +an' 'tesn't no bad thing--grass. + +PRESS. [Writing] "The old paganism of the country." What is your +view of life, Mrs. Lemmy? + +LEMMY. [Suddenly] Wot is 'er voo of life? Shall I tell yer mine? +Life's a disease--a blinkin' oak-apple! Daon't myke no mistyke. An' +'umen life's a yumourous disease; that's all the difference. Why-- +wot else can it be? See the bloomin' promise an' the blighted +performance--different as a 'eadline to the noos inside. But yer +couldn't myke Muvver see vat--not if yer talked to 'er for a wok. +Muvver still believes in fings. She's a country gell; at a 'undred +and fifty she'll be a country gell, won't yer, old lydy? + +MRS. L. Well, 'tesn't never been 'ome to me in London. I lived in +the country forty year--I did my lovin' there; I burried father +therr. Therr bain't nothin' in life, yu know, but a bit o' lovin'-- +all said an' done; bit o' lovin', with the wind, an' the stars out. + +LEMMY. [In a loud apologetic whisper] She 'yn't often like this. I +told yer she'd got a glawss o' port in 'er. + +MRS. L. 'Tes a brave pleasure, is lovin'. I likes to zee et in +young folk. I likes to zee 'em kissin'; shows the 'eart in 'em. +'Tes the 'eart makes the world go round; 'tesn't nothin' else, in my +opinion. + +PRESS. [Writing] "--sings the swan song of the heart."---- + +MRS. L. [Overhearing] No, I never yeard a swan sing--never! But I +tell 'ee what I 'eve 'eard; the Bells singin' in th' orchard 'angin' +up the clothes to dry, an' the cuckoos callin' back to 'em. +[Smiling] There's a-many songs in the country-the 'eart is freelike +in th' country! + +LEMMY. [Soto voce] Gi' me the Strand at ar' past nine. + +PRESS. [Writing] "Town and country----" + +MRS. L. 'Tidn't like that in London; one day's jest like another. +Not but what therr's a 'eap o' kind'eartedness 'ere. + +LEMMY. [Gloomily] Kind-'eartedness! I daon't fink "Boys an' Gells +come out to play." + + [He plays the old tune on his fiddle.] + +MRS. L. [Singing] "Boys an' Gells come out to play. The mune is +shinin' bright as day." [She laughs] I used to sing like a lark +when I was a gell. + + [LITTLE AIDA enters.] + +L. AIDA. There's 'undreds follerin' the corfin. 'Yn't you goin', +Mr. Lemmy--it's dahn your wy! + +LEMMY. [Dubiously] Well yus--I s'pose they'll miss me. + +L. AIDA. Aoh! Tyke me! + +PRESS. What's this? + +LEMMY. The revolution in 'Yde Pawk. + +PRESS. [Struck] In Hyde Park? The very thing. I'll take you down. +My taxi's waiting. + +L. AIDA. Yus; it's breathin' 'ard, at the corner. + +PRESS. [Looking at his watch] Ah! and Mrs. Lemmy. There's an Anti- +Sweating Meeting going on at a house in Park Lane. We can get there +in twenty minutes if we shove along. I want you to tell them about +the trouser-making. You'll be a sensation! + +LEMMY. [To himself] Sensytion! 'E cawn't keep orf it! + +MRS. L. Anti-Sweat. Poor fellers! I 'ad one come to see we before +the war, an' they'm still goin' on? Wonderful, an't it? + +PRESS. Come, Mrs. Lemmy; drive in a taxi, beautiful moonlit night; +and they'll give you a splendid cup of tea. + +MRS. L. [Unmoved] Ah! I cudn't never du without my tea. There's +not an avenin' but I thinks to meself: Now, me dear, yu've a-got one +more to fennish, an' then yu'll 'eve yore cup o' tea. Thank you for +callin', all the same. + +LEMMY. Better siccumb to the temptytion, old lydy; joyride wiv the +Press; marble floors, pillars o' gold; conscientious footmen; lovely +lydies; scuppers runnin' tea! An' the revolution goin' on across the +wy. 'Eaven's nuffink to Pawk Lyne. + +PRESS. Come along, Mrs. Lemmy! + +MRS. L. [Seraphically] Thank yu,--I'm a-feelin' very comfortable. +'Tes wonderful what a drop o' wine'll du for the stomach. + +PRESS. A taxi-ride! + +MRS. L. [Placidly] Ah! I know'em. They'm very busy things. + +LEMMY. Muvver shuns notority. [Sotto voce to THE PRESS] But you +watch me! I'll rouse 'er. + + [He takes up his fiddle and sits on the window seat. Above the + little houses on the opposite side of the street, the moon has + risen in the dark blue sky, so that the cloud shaped like a + beast seems leaping over it. LEMMY plays the first notes of the + Marseillaise. A black cat on the window-sill outside looks in, + hunching its back. LITTLE AIDA barks at her. MRS. LEMMY + struggles to her feet, sweeping the empty dish and spoon to the + floor in the effort.] + +The dish ran awy wiv the spoon! That's right, old lydy! [He stops +playing.] + +MRS. L. [Smiling, and moving her hands] I like a bit o' music. It +du that move 'ee. + +PRESS. Bravo, Mrs. Lemmy. Come on! + +LEMMY. Come on, old dear! We'll be in time for the revolution yet. + +MRS. L. 'Tes 'earin' the Old 'Undred again! + +LEMMY. [To THE PRESS] She 'yn't been aht these two years. [To his +mother, who has put up her hands to her head] Nao, never mind yer +'at. [To THE PRESS] She 'yn't got none! [Aloud] No West-End lydy +wears anyfink at all in the evenin'! + +MRS. L. 'Ow'm I lukin', Bob? + +LEMMY. First-clawss; yer've got a colour fit to toast by. We'll +show 'em yer've got a kick in yer. [He takes her arm] Little Aida, +ketch 'old o' the sensytions. + + [He indicates the trousers THE PRESS takes MRS. LEMMY'S other + arm.] + +MRS. L. [With an excited little laugh] Quite like a gell! + +And, smiling between her son and THE PRESS, she passes out; LITTLE +AIDA, with a fling of her heels and a wave of the trousers, follows. + + + CURTAIN + + + +ACT III + + An octagon ante-room of the hall at LORD WILLIAM DROMONDY'S. + A shining room lighted by gold candelabra, with gold-curtained + pillars, through which the shining hall and a little of the + grand stairway are visible. A small table with a gold-coloured + cloth occupies the very centre of the room, which has a polished + parquet floor and high white walls. Gold-coloured doors on the + left. Opposite these doors a window with gold-coloured curtains + looks out on Park Lane. LADY WILLIAM standing restlessly + between the double doors and the arch which leads to the hall. + JAMES is stationary by the double doors, from behind which come + sounds of speech and applause. + +POULDER. [Entering from the hall] His Grace the Duke of Exeter, my +lady. + + [His GRACE enters. He is old, and youthful, with a high colour + and a short rough white beard. LADY WILLIAM advances to meet + him. POULDER stands by.] + +LADY W. Oh! Father, you ARE late. + +HIS G. Awful crowd in the streets, Nell. They've got a coffin-- +couldn't get by. + +LADY W. Coin? Whose? + +HIS G. The Government's I should think-no flowers, by request. I +say, have I got to speak? + +LADY W. Oh! no, dear. + +HIS G. H'm! That's unlucky. I've got it here. [He looks down his +cuff] Found something I said in 1914--just have done. + +LADY W. Oh! If you've got it--James, ask Lord William to come to me +for a moment. [JAMES vanishes through the door. To THE DUKE] Go in, +Grand-dad; they'll be so awfully pleased to see you. I'll tell Bill. + +HIS G. Where's Anne? + +LADY W. In bed, of course. + +HIS G. I got her this--rather nice? + + [He has taken from his breast-pocket one of those street toy-men + that jump head over heels on your hand; he puts it through its + paces.] + +LADY W. [Much interested] Oh! no, but how sweet! She'll simply +love it. + +POULDER. If I might suggest to Your Grace to take it in and operate +it. It's sweated, Your Grace. They-er-make them in those places. + +HIS G. By Jove! D'you know the price, Poulder? + +POULDER. [Interrogatively] A penny, is it? Something paltry, Your +Grace! + +HIS G. Where's that woman who knows everything; Miss Munday? + +LADY W. Oh! She'll be in there, somewhere. + + [His GRACE moves on, and passes through the doors. The sound of + applause is heard.] + +POULDER. [Discreetly] would you care to see the bomb, my lady? + +LADY W. Of course--first quiet moment. + +POULDER. I'll bring it up, and have a watch put on it here, my lady. + + [LORD WILLIAM comes through the double doom followed by JAMES. + POULDER retires.] + +LORD W. Can't you come, Nell? + +LADY W. Oh! Bill, your Dad wants to speak. + +LORD W. The deuce he does--that's bad. + +LADY W. Yes, of course, but you must let him; he's found something +he said in 1914. + +LORD W. I knew it. That's what they'll say. Standing stock still, +while hell's on the jump around us. + +LADY W. Never mind that; it'll please him; and he's got a lovely +little sweated toy that turns head over heels at one penny. + +LORD W. H'm! Well, come on. + +LADY W. No, I must wait for stragglers. There's sure to be an +editor in a hurry. + +POULDER. [Announcing] Mis-ter Gold-rum! + +LADY W. [Sotto voce] And there he is! [She advances to meet a thin, +straggling man in eyeglasses, who is smiling absently] How good of +you! + +MR. G. Thanks awfully. I just er--and then I'm afraid I must--er-- +Things look very----Thanks----Thanks so much. + + [He straggles through the doors, and is enclosed by JAMES.] + +POULDER. Miss Mun-day. + +LORD W. There! I thought she was in--She really is the most +unexpected woman! How do you do? How awfully sweet of you! + +MISS M. [An elderly female schoolboy] How do you do? There's a +spiffing crowd. I believe things are really going Bolshy. How do +you do, Lord William? Have you got any of our people to show? I +told one or two, in case--they do so simply love an outing. + +JAMES. There are three old chips in the lobby, my Lord. + +LORD W. What? Oh! I say! Bring them in at once. Why--they're the +hub of the whole thing. + +JAMES. [Going] Very good, my Lord. + +LADY W. I am sorry. I'd no notion; and they're such dears always. + +MISS M. I must tell you what one of them said to me. I'd told him +not to use such bad language to his wife. "Don't you worry, Ma!" he +said, "I expert you can do a bit of that yourself!" + +LADY W. How awfully nice! It's SO like them. + +MISS M. Yes. They're wonderful. + +LORD W. I say, why do we always call them they? + +LADY W. [Puzzled] Well, why not? + +LORD W. THEY! + +MISS M. [Struck] Quite right, Lord William! Quite right! Another +species. They! I must remember that. THEY! [She passes on.] + +LADY W. [About to follow] Well, I don't see; aren't they? + +LORD W. Never mind, old girl; follow on. They'll come in with me. + + [MISS MUNDAY and LADY WILLIAM pass through the double doors.] + +POULDER. [Announcing] Some sweated workers, my Lord. + + [There enter a tall, thin, oldish woman; a short, thin, very + lame man, her husband; and a stoutish middle-aged woman with a + rolling eye and gait, all very poorly dressed, with lined and + heated faces.] + +LORD W. [Shaking hands] How d'you do! Delighted to see you all. +It's awfully good of you to have come. + +LAME M. Mr. and Mrs. Tomson. We 'ad some trouble to find it. You +see, I've never been in these parts. We 'ad to come in the oven; and +the bus-bloke put us dahn wrong. Are you the proprietor? + +LORD W. [Modestly] Yes, I--er-- + +LAME M. You've got a nice plyce. I says to the missis, I says: +"'E's got a nice plyce 'ere," I says; "there's room to turn rahnd." + +LORD W. Yes--shall we--? + +LAME M. An' Mrs. Annaway she says: "Shouldn't mind livin 'ere +meself," she says; "but it must cost'im a tidy penny," she says. + +LORD W. It does--it does; much too tidy. Shall we--? + +MRS. ANN. [Rolling her eye] I'm very pleased to 'ave come. I've +often said to 'em: "Any time you want me," I've said, "I'd be pleased +to come." + +LORD W. Not so pleased as we are to see you. + +MRS. ANN. I'm sure you're very kind. + +JAMES. [From the double doors, through which he has received a +message] Wanted for your speech, my Lord. + +LORD W. Oh! God! Poulder, bring these ladies and gentleman in, and +put them where everybody can--where they can see everybody, don't you +know. + + [He goes out hurriedly through the double doors.] + +LAME M. Is 'e a lord? + +POULDER. He is. Follow me. + + [He moves towards the doors, the three workers follow.] + +MRS. ANN. [Stopping before JAMES] You 'yn't one, I suppose? +[JAMES stirs no muscle.] + +POULDER. Now please. [He opens the doors. The Voice of LORD +WILLIAM speaking is heard] Pass in. + + [THE THREE WORKERS pass in, POULDER and JAMES follow them. The + doors are not closed, and through this aperture comes the voice + of LORD WILLIAM, punctuated and supported by decorous applause.] + + [LITTLE ANNE runs in, and listens at the window to the confused + and distant murmurs of a crowd.] + +VOICE OF LORD W. We propose to move for a further advance in the +chain-making and--er--er--match-box industries. [Applause.] + + [LITTLE ANNE runs across to the door, to listen.] + +[On rising voice] I would conclude with some general remarks. +Ladies and gentlemen, the great natural, but--er--artificial +expansion which trade experienced the first years after the war has-- +er--collapsed. These are hard times. We who are fortunate feel more +than ever--er--responsible--[He stammers, loses the thread of his +thoughts.]--[Applause]--er--responsible--[The thread still eludes +him]--er---- + +L. ANNE. [Poignantly] Oh, Daddy! + +LORD W. [Desperately] In fact--er--you know how--er--responsible we +feel. + +L. ANNE. Hooray! [Applause.] + + [There float in through the windows the hoarse and distant + sounds of the Marseillaise, as sung by London voices.] + +LORD W. There is a feeling in the air--that I for one should say +deliberately was--er--a feeling in the air--er--a feeling in the +air---- + +L. ANNE. [Agonised] Oh, Daddy! Stop! + + [Jane enters, and closes the door behind him. JAMES. Look + here! 'Ave I got to report you to Miss Stokes?] + +L. ANNE. No-o-o! + +JAMES. Well, I'm goin' to. + +L. ANNE. Oh, James, be a friend to me! I've seen nothing yet. + +JAMES. No; but you've eaten a good bit, on the stairs. What price +that Peach Melba? + +L. ANNE. I can't go to bed till I've digested it can I? There's +such a lovely crowd in the street! + +JAMES. Lovely? Ho! + +L. ANNE. [Wheedling] James, you couldn't tell Miss Stokes! It +isn't in you, is it? + +JAMES. [Grinning] That's right. + +L. ANNE. So-I'll just get under here. [She gets under the table] +Do I show? + +JAMES. [Stooping] Not 'arf! + + [POULDER enters from the hall.] + +POULDER. What are you doin' there? + +JAMES. [Between him and the table--raising himself] Thinkin'. + + [POULDER purses his mouth to repress his feedings.] + +POULDER. My orders are to fetch the bomb up here for Lady William to +inspect. Take care no more writers stray in. + +JAMES. How shall I know 'em? + +POULDER. Well--either very bald or very hairy. + +JAMES. Right-o! [He goes.] + + [POULDER, with his back to the table, busies himself with the + set of his collar.] + +POULDER. [Addressing an imaginary audience--in a low but important +voice] The--ah--situation is seerious. It is up to us of the--ah-- +leisured classes---- + + [The face of LITTLE ANNE is poked out close to his legs, and + tilts upwards in wonder towards the bow of his waistcoat.] + +to--ah--keep the people down. The olla polloi are clamourin'---- + + [Miss STOKES appears from the hall, between the pillars.] + +Miss S. Poulder! + +POULDER. [Making a volte face towards the table] Miss? + +MISS S. Where is Anne? + +POULDER. [Vexed at the disturbance of his speech] Excuse me, Miss-- +to keep track of Miss Anne is fortunately no part of my dooties. + + [Miss S. She really is naughty.] + +POULDER. She is. If she was mine, I'd spank her. + + [The smiling face of LITTLE ANNE becomes visible again close to + his legs.] + +MISS S. Not a nice word. + +POULDER. No; but a pleasant haction. Miss Anne's the limit. In +fact, Lord and Lady William are much too kind 'earted all round. +Take these sweated workers; that class o' people are quite 'opeless. +Treatin' them as your equals, shakin 'ands with 'em, givin 'em tea-- +it only puffs 'em out. Leave it to the Church, I say. + +MISS S. The Church is too busy, Poulder. + +POULDER. Ah! That "Purity an' Future o' the Race Campaign." I'll +tell you what I thinks the danger o' that, Miss. So much purity that +there won't be a future race. [Expanding] Purity of 'eart's an +excellent thing, no doubt, but there's a want of nature about it. +Same with this Anti-Sweating. Unless you're anxious to come down, +you must not put the lower classes up. + +MISS S. I don't agree with you at all, Poulder. + +POULDER. Ah! You want it both ways, Miss. I should imagine you're +a Liberal. + +MISS S. [Horrified] Oh, no! I certainly am not. + +POULDER. Well, I judged from your takin' cocoa. Funny thing that, +about cocoa-how it still runs through the Liberal Party! It's +virtuous, I suppose. Wine, beer, tea, coffee-all of 'em vices. But +cocoa you might drink a gallon a day and annoy no one but yourself! +There's a lot o' deep things in life, Miss! + +Miss S. Quite so. But I must find Anne. + + [She recedes. ] + +POULDER. [Suavely] Well, I wish you every success; and I hope +you'll spank her. This modern education--there's no fruitiness in +it. + +L. ANNE. [From under the table] Poulder, are you virtuous? + +POULDER. [Jumping] Good Ged! + +L. ANNE. D'you mind my asking? I promised James I would. + +POULDER. Miss Anne, come out! + + [The four footmen appear in the hall, HENRY carrying the wine + cooler.] + +JAMES. Form fours-by your right-quick march! + + [They enter, marching down right of table.] + +Right incline--Mark time! Left turn! 'Alt! 'Enry, set the bomb! +Stand easy! + + [HENRY places the wine cooler on the table and covers it with a + blue embroidered Chinese mat, which has occupied the centre of + the tablecloth.] + +POULDER. Ah! You will 'ave your game! Thomas, take the door there! +James, the 'all! Admit titles an' bishops. No literary or Labour +people. Charles and 'Enry, 'op it and 'ang about! + + [CHARLES and HENRY go out, the other too move to their + stations.] + + [POULDER, stands by the table looking at the covered bomb. The + hoarse and distant sounds of the Marseillaise float in again + from Park Lane.] + +[Moved by some deep feeling] And this house an 'orspital in the war! +I ask you--what was the good of all our sacrifices for the country? +No town 'ouse for four seasons--rustygettin' in the shires, not a +soul but two boys under me. Lord William at the front, Lady William +at the back. And all for this! [He points sadly at the cooler] It +comes of meddlin' on the Continent. I had my prognostications at the +time. [To JAMES] You remember my sayin' to you just before you +joined up: "Mark my words--we shall see eight per cent. for our money +before this is over!" + +JAMES. [Sepulchrally] I see the eight per cent., but not the money. + +POULDER. Hark at that! + + [The sounds of the Marseillaise grow louder. He shakes his + head.] + +I'd read the Riot Act. They'll be lootin' this house next! + +JAMES. We'll put up a fight over your body: "Bartholomew Poulder, +faithful unto death!" Have you insured your life? + +POULDER. Against a revolution? + +JAMES. Act o' God! Why not? + +POULDER. It's not an act o' God. + +JAMES. It is; and I sympathise with it. + +POULDER. You--what? + +JAMES. I do--only--hands off the gov'nor. + +POULDER. Oh! Really! Well, that's something. I'm glad to see you +stand behind him, at all events. + +JAMES. I stand in front of 'im when the scrap begins! + +POULDER. Do you insinuate that my heart's not in the right place? + +JAMES. Well, look at it! It's been creepin' down ever since I knew +you. Talk of your sacrifices in the war--they put you on your +honour, and you got stout on it. Rations--not 'arf. + +POULDER. [Staring at him] For independence, I've never seen your +equal, James. You might be an Australian. + +JAMES. [Suavely] Keep a civil tongue, or I'll throw you to the +crowd! [He comes forward to the table] Shall I tell you why I +favour the gov'nor? Because, with all his pomp, he's a gentleman, as +much as I am. Never asks you to do what he wouldn't do himself. +What's more, he never comes it over you. If you get drunk, or--well, +you understand me, Poulder--he'll just say: "Yes, yes; I know, +James!" till he makes you feel he's done it himself. [Sinking his +voice mysteriously] I've had experience with him, in the war and out. +Why he didn't even hate the Huns, not as he ought. I tell you he's +no Christian. + +POULDER. Well, for irreverence----! + +JAMES. [Obstinately] And he'll never be. He's got too soft a +heart. + +L. ANNE. [Beneath the table-shrilly] Hurrah! + +POULDER. [Jumping] Come out, Miss Anne! + +JAMES. Let 'er alone! + +POULDER. In there, under the bomb? + +JAMES. [Contemptuously] Silly ass! You should take 'em lying down! + +POULDER. Look here, James! I can't go on in this revolutionary +spirit; either you or I resign. + +JAMES. Crisis in the Cabinet! + +POULDER. I give you your marchin' orders. + +JAMES. [Ineffably] What's that you give me? + +POULDER. Thomas, remove James! + + [THOMAS grins.] + +L. ANNE. [Who, with open mouth, has crept out to see the fun] Oh! +Do remove James, Thomas! + +POULDER. Go on, Thomas. + + [THOMAS takes one step towards JAMES, who lays a hand on the + Chinese mat covering the bomb.] + +JAMES. [Grimly] If I lose control of meself. + +L. ANNE. [Clapping her hands] Oh! James! Do lose control! Then I +shall see it go off! + +JAMES. [To POULDER] Well, I'll merely empty the pail over you! + +POULDER. This is not becomin'! + + [He walks out into the hall.] + +JAMES. Another strategic victory! What a Boche he'd have made. As +you were, Tommy! + + [THOMAS returns to the door. The sound of prolonged applause + cornea from within.] + +That's a bishop. + +L. ANNE. Why? + +JAMES. By the way he's drawin'. It's the fine fightin' spirit in +'em. They were the backbone o' the war. I see there's a bit o' the +old stuff left in you, Tommy. + +L. ANNE. [Scrutinizing the widely--grinning THOM] Where? Is it in +his mouth? + +JAMES. You've still got a sense of your superiors. Didn't you +notice how you moved to Poulder's orders, me boy; an' when he was +gone, to mine? + +L. ANNE. [To THOMAS] March! + + [The grinning THOMAS remains immovable.] + +He doesn't, James! + +JAMES. Look here, Miss Anne--your lights ought to be out before ten. +Close in, Tommy! + + [He and THOMAS move towards her.] + +L. ANNE. [Dodging] Oh, no! Oh, no! Look! + + [The footmen stop and turn. There between the pillars, stands + LITTLE AIDA with the trousers, her face brilliant With + surprise.] + +JAMES. Good Lord! What's this? + + [Seeing L. ANNE, LITTLE AIDA approaches, fascinated, and the two + children sniff at each other as it were like two little dogs + walking round and round.] + +L. ANNE. [Suddenly] My name's Anne; what's yours? + +L. AIDA. Aida. + +L. ANNE. Are you lost? + +L. AIDA. Nao. + +L. ANNE. Are those trousers? + +L. AIDA. Yus. + +L. Arms. Whose? + +L. AIDA. Mrs. Lemmy's. + +L. ANNE. Does she wear them? + + [LITTLE AIDA smiles brilliantly.] + +L. AIDA. Nao. She sews 'em. + +L. ANNE. [Touching the trousers] They are hard. James's are much +softer; aren't they, James? [JAMES deigns no reply] What shall we +do? Would you like to see my bedroom? + +L. AIDA. [With a hop] Aoh, yus! + +JAMES. No. + +L. ANNE. Why not? + +JAMES. Have some sense of what's fittin'. + +L. ANNE. Why isn't it fittin'? [To LITTLE AIDA] Do you like me? + +L. AIDA. Yus-s. + +L. ANNE. So do I. Come on! + + [She takes LITTLE AIDA'S hand.] + +JAMES. [Between the pillars] Tommy, ketch 'em! + + [THOMAS retains them by the skirts.] + +L. ANNE. [Feigning indifference] All right, then! [To LITTLE AIDA] +Have you ever seen a bomb? + +L. AIDA. Nao. + +L. ANNE. [Going to the table and lifting a corner of the cover] +Look! + +L. AIDA. [Looking] What's it for? + +L. ANNE. To blow up this house. + +L. AIDA. I daon't fink! + +L. ANNE. Why not? + +L. AIDA. It's a beautiful big 'Ouse. + +L. ANNE. That's why. Isn't it, James? + +L. AIDA. You give the fing to me; I'll blow up our 'ouse--it's an +ugly little 'ouse. + +L. ANNE [Struck] Let's all blow up our own; then we can start fair. +Daddy would like that. + +L. AIDA. Yus. [Suddenly brilliant] I've 'ad a ride in a taxi, an' +we're goin' 'ome in it agyne! + +L. ANNE. Were you sick? + +LITTLE AIDA. [Brilliant] Nao. + +L. ANNE I was; when I first went in one, but I was quite young then. +James, could you get her a Peche Melba? There was one. + +JAMES. No. + +L. ANNE. Have you seen the revolution? + +L. AIDA. Wot's that? + +L. ANNE. It's made of people. + +L. AIDA. I've seen the corfin, it's myde o' wood. + +L. ANNE. Do you hate the rich? + +L. AIDA. [Ineffably] Nao. I hates the poor. + +L. ANNE. Why? + +L. AIDA. 'Cos they 'yn't got nuffin'. + +L. ANNE. I love the poor. They're such dears. + +L. AIDA. [Shaking her head with a broad smile] Nao. + +L. ANNE. Why not? + +L. AIDA. I'd tyke and lose the lot, I would. + +L. ANNE. Where? + +L. AIDA. In the water. + +L. ANNE. Like puppies? + +L. AIDA. Yus. + +L. ANNE. Why? + +L. AIDA. Then I'd be shut of 'em. + +L. ANNE. [Puzzled] Oh! + + [The voice of THE PRESS is heard in the hall. "Where's the + little girl?"] + +JAMES. That's you. Come 'ere! + + [He puts a hand behind LITTLE AIDA'S back and propels her + towards the hall. THE PRESS enters with old MRS. LEMMY.] + +PRESS. Oh! Here she is, major domo. I'm going to take this old +lady to the meeting; they want her on the platform. Look after our +friend, Mr. Lemmy here; Lord William wants to see him presently. + +L. ANNE. [In an awed whisper] James, it's the little blighter! + + [She dives again under the table. LEMMY enters.] + +LEMMY. 'Ere! 'Arf a mo'! Yer said yer'd drop me at my plyce. +Well, I tell yer candid--this 'yn't my plyce + +PRESS. That's all right, Mr. Lemmy. [He grins] They'll make you +wonderfully comfortable, won't you, major domo? + + [He passes on through the room, to the door, ushering old MRS. + LEMMY and LITTLE AIDA.] + + [POULDER blocks LEMMY'S way, with CHARLES and HENRY behind him.] + +POULDER. James, watch it; I'll report. + + [He moves away, following THE PRESS through the door. JAMES + between table and window. THOMAS has gone to the door. HENRY + and CHARLES remain at the entrances to the hall. LEMMY looks + dubiously around, his cockney assurrance gradually returns.] + +LEMMY. I think I knows the gas 'ere. This is where I came to-dy, +'yn't it? Excuse my hesitytion--these little 'ouses IS so much the +syme. + +JAMES. [Gloomily] They are! + +LEMMY. [Looking at the four immovable footmen, till he concentrates +on JAMES] Ah! I 'ad a word wiv you, 'adn't I? You're the four +conscientious ones wot's wyin' on your gov'nor's chest. 'Twas you I +spoke to, wasn't it? [His eyes travel over them again] Ye're so +monotonous. Well, ye're busy now, I see. I won't wyste yer time. + + [He turns towards the hall, but CHARLES and HENRY bar the way in + silence.] + + [Skidding a little, and regarding the four immovables once more] + +I never see such pytient men? Compared wiv yer, mountains is +restless. + + [He goes to the table. JAMES watches him. ANNE barks from + underneath.] + +[Skidding again] Why! There's a dawg under there. [Noting the grin +on THOMAS'S face] Glad it amooses yer. Yer want it, daon't yer, wiv +a fyce like that? Is this a ply wivaht words? 'Ave I got into the +movies by mistyke? Turn aht, an' let's 'ave six penn'orth o' +darkness. + +L. ANNE. [From beneath the cable] No, no! Not dark! + +LEMMY. [Musingly] The dawg talks anywy. Come aht, Fido! + + [LITTLE ANNE emerges, and regards him with burning curiosity.] + +I sy: Is this the lytest fashion o' receivin' guests? + +L. ANNE. Mother always wants people to feel at home. What shall we +do? Would you like to hear the speeches? Thomas, open the door a +little, do! + +JAMES. 'Umour 'er a couple o' inches, Tommy! + + [THOMAS draws the door back stealthily an inch or so.] + +L. ANNE. [After applying her eye-in a loud whisper] There's the old +lady. Daddy's looking at her trousers. Listen! + + [For MRS. LEMMY'S voice is floating faintly through: "I putt in + the buttonholes, I stretches the flies; I 'ems the bottoms; I + lines the crutch; I putt on this bindin'; I sews on the buttons; + I presses the seams--Tuppence three farthin's the pair."] + +LEMMY. [In a hoarse whisper] That's it, old lydy: give it 'em! + +L. ANNE. Listen! + +VOICE OF LORD W. We are indebted to our friends the Press for giving +us the pleasure--er--pleasure of hearing from her own lips--the +pleasure---- + +L. ANNE. Oh! Daddy! + + [THOMAS abruptly closes the doors.] + +LEMMY. [To ANNE] Now yer've done it. See wot comes o' bein' +impytient. We was just gettin' to the marrer. + +L. ANNE. What can we do for you now? + +LEMMY. [Pointing to ANNE, and addressing JAMES] Wot is this one, +anywy? + +JAMES. [Sepulchrally] Daughter o' the house. + +LEMMY. Is she insured agynst 'er own curiosity? + +L. ANNE. Why? + +LEMMY. As I daon't believe in a life beyond the gryve, I might be +tempted to send yer there. + +L. ANNE. What is the gryve? + +LEMMY. Where little gells goes to. + +L. ANNE. Oh, when? + +LEMMY. [Pretending to look at a match, which is not there] Well, I +dunno if I've got time to finish yer this minute. Sy to-mower at. +'arf past. + +L. ANNE. Half past what? + +LEMMY. [Despairingly] 'Arf past wot! + + [The sound of applause is heard.] + +JAMES. That's 'is Grace. 'E's gettin' wickets, too. + + [POULDER entering from the door.] + +POULDER. Lord William is slippin' in. + + [He makes a cabalistic sign with his head. Jeers crosses to the + door. LEMMY looks dubiously at POULDER.] + +LEMMY. [Suddenly--as to himself] Wot oh! I am the portly one! + +POULDER. [Severely] Any such allusion aggeravates your offence. + +LEMMY. Oh, ah! Look 'ere, it was a corked bottle. Now, tyke care, +tyke care, 'aughty! Daon't curl yer lip! I shall myke a clean +breast o' my betryal when the time comes! + + [There is a alight movement of the door. ANNE makes a dive + towards the table but is arrested by POULDER grasping her + waistband. LORD WILLIAM slips in, followed by THE PRESS, on + whom JAMES and THOMAS close the door too soon.] + +HALF OF THE PRESS. [Indignantly] Look out! + +JAMES. Do you want him in or out, me Lord? + +LEMMY. I sy, you've divided the Press; 'e was unanimous. + + [The FOOTMEN let THE PRESS through.] + +LORD W. [To THE PRESS] I'm so sorry. + +LEMMY. Would yer like me to see to 'is gas? + +LORD W. So you're my friend of the cellars? + +LEMMY. [Uneasy] I daon't deny it. + + [POULDER begins removing LITTLE ANNE.] + +L. ANNE. Let me stay, Daddy; I haven't seen anything yet! If I go, +I shall only have to come down again when they loot the house. +Listen! + + [The hoarse strains of the Marseillaise are again heard from the + distance.] + +LORD W. [Blandly] Take her up, Poulder! + +L. ANNE. Well, I'm coming down again--and next time I shan't have +any clothes on, you know. + + [They vanish between the pillars. LORD WILLIAM makes a sign of + dismissal. The FOOTMAN file out.] + +LEMMY. [Admiringly] Luv'ly pyces! + +LORD W. [Pleasantly] Now then; let's have our talk, Mr.---- + +LEMMY. Lemmy. + +PRESS. [Who has slipped his note-book out] "Bombed and Bomber face +to face----" + +LEMMY. [Uneasy] I didn't come 'ere agyne on me own, yer know. The +Press betryed me. + +LORD W. Is that old lady your mother? + +LEMMY. The syme. I tell yer stryte, it was for 'er I took that old +bottle o' port. It was orful old. + +LORD W. Ah! Port? Probably the '83. Hope you both enjoyed it. + +LEMMY. So far-yus. Muvver'll suffer a bit tomower, I expect. + +LORD W. I should like to do something for your mother, if you'll +allow me. + +LEMMY. Oh! I'll allow yer. But I dunno wot she'll sy. + +LORD W. I can see she's a fine independent old lady! But suppose +you were to pay her ten bob a week, and keep my name out of it? + +LEMMY. Well, that's one wy o' YOU doin' somefink, 'yn't it? + +LORD W. I giving you the money, of course. + +PRESS. [Writing] "Lord William, with kingly generosity----" + +LEMMY. [Drawing attention to THE PRESS with his thumb] I sy-- +I daon't mind, meself--if you daon't---- + +LORD W. He won't write anything to annoy me. + +PRESS. This is the big thing, Lord William; it'll get the public +bang in the throat. + +LEMMY. [Confidentially] Bit dyngerous, 'yn't it? trustin' the +Press? Their right 'ands never knows wot their left 'ands is +writin'. [To THE PRESS] 'Yn't that true, speakin' as a man? + +PRESS. Mr. Lemmy, even the Press is capable of gratitude. + +LEMMY. Is it? I should ha' thought it was too important for a +little thing like that. [To LORD WILLIAM] But ye're quite right; we +couldn't do wivaht the Press--there wouldn't be no distress, no +coffin, no revolution--'cos nobody'd know nuffin' abaht it. Why! +There wouldn't be no life at all on Earf in these dyes, wivaht the +Press! It's them wot says: "Let there be Light--an' there is Light." + +LORD W. Umm! That's rather a new thought to me. [Writes on his +cuff.] + +LEMMY. But abaht Muvver, I'll tell yer 'ow we can arrynge. You send +'er the ten bob a week wivaht syin' anyfink, an' she'll fink it comes +from Gawd or the Gover'ment yer cawn't tell one from t'other in +Befnal Green. + +LORD W. All right; we'll' do that. + +LEMMY. Will yer reely? I'd like to shyke yer 'and. + + [LORD WILLIAM puts out his hand, which LEMMY grasps.] + +PRESS. [Writing] "The heartbeat of humanity was in that grasp +between the son of toil and the son of leisure." + +LEMMY. [Already ashamed of his emotion] 'Ere, 'arf a mo'! Which is +which? Daon't forget I'm aht o' wori; Lord William, if that's 'is +nyme, is workin 'ard at 'is Anti-Sweats! Wish I could get a job like +vat--jist suit me! + +LORD W. That hits hard, Mr. Lemmy. + +LEMMY. Daon't worry! Yer cawn't 'elp bein' born in the purple! + +LORD W. Ah! Tell me, what would you do in my place? + +LEMMY. Why--as the nobleman said in 'is well-known wy: "Sit in me +Club winder an' watch it ryne on the dam people!" That's if I was a +average nobleman! If I was a bit more noble, I might be tempted to +come the kind'earted on twenty thou' a year. Some prefers yachts, or +ryce 'orses. But philanthropy on the 'ole is syfer, in these dyes. + +LORD W. So you think one takes to it as a sort of insurance, Mr. +Lemmy? Is that quite fair? + +LEMMY. Well, we've all got a weakness towards bein' kind, somewhere +abaht us. But the moment wealf comes in, we 'yn't wot I call single- +'earted. If yer went into the foundytions of your wealf--would yer +feel like 'avin' any? It all comes from uvver people's 'ard, +unpleasant lybour--it's all built on Muvver as yer might sy. An' if +yer daon't get rid o' some of it in bein' kind--yer daon't feel syfe +nor comfy. + +LORD W. [Twisting his moustache] Your philosophy is very pessimistic. + +LEMMY. Well, I calls meself an optimist; I sees the worst of +everyfink. Never disappynted, can afford to 'ave me smile under the +blackest sky. When deaf is squeezin' of me windpipe, I shall 'ave a +laugh in it! Fact is, if yer've 'ad to do wiv gas an' water pipes, +yer can fyce anyfing. [The distant Marseillaise blares up] 'Ark at +the revolution! + +LORD W. [Rather desperately] I know--hunger and all the rest of it! +And here am I, a rich man, and don't know what the deuce to do. + +LEMMY. Well, I'll tell yer. Throw yer cellars open, an' while the +populyce is gettin' drunk, sell all yer 'ave an' go an' live in +Ireland; they've got the millennium chronic over there. + + [LORD WILLIAM utters a short, vexed laugh, and begins to walk + about.] + +That's speakin' as a practical man. Speakin' as a synt "Bruvvers, +all I 'ave is yours. To-morrer I'm goin' dahn to the Lybour Exchynge +to git put on the wytin' list, syme as you!" + +LORD W. But, d---it, man, there we should be, all together! Would +that help? + +LEMMY. Nao; but it'd syve a lot o' blood. + + [LORD WILLIAM stops abruptly, and looks first at LEMMY, then at + the cooler, still cohered with the Chinese mat.] + +Yer thought the Englishman could be taught to shed blood wiv syfety. +Not 'im! Once yer git 'im into an 'abit, yer cawn't git 'im out of +it agyne. 'E'll go on sheddin' blood mechanical--Conservative by +nyture. An' 'e won't myke nuffin' o' yours. Not even the Press wiv +'is 'oneyed words'll sty 'is 'and. + +LORD W. And what do you suggest we could have done, to avoid +trouble? + +LEMMY. [Warming to his theme] I'll tell yer. If all you wealfy +nobs wiv kepitel 'ad come it kind from the start after the war yer'd +never 'a been 'earin' the Marseillaisy naow. Lord! 'Ow you did talk +abaht Unity and a noo spirit in the Country. Noo spirit! Why, soon +as ever there was no dynger from outside, yer stawted to myke it +inside, wiv an iron'and. Naow, you've been in the war an' it's given +yer a feelin' 'eart; but most of the nobs wiv kepitel was too old or +too important to fight. They weren't born agyne. So naow that bad +times is come, we're 'owlin' for their blood. + +LORD W. I quite agree; I quite agree. I've often said much the same +thing. + +LEMMY. Voice cryin' in the wilderness--I daon't sy we was yngels-- +there was faults on bofe sides. [He looks at THE PRESS] The Press +could ha' helped yer a lot. Shall I tell yer wot the Press did? +"It's vital," said the Press, "that the country should be united, or +it will never recover." Nao strikes, nao 'omen nature, nao nuffink. +Kepitel an' Lybour like the Siamese twins. And, fust dispute that +come along, the Press orfs wiv its coat an' goes at it bald'eaded. +An' wot abaht since? Sich a riot o' nymes called, in Press--and +Pawlyement. Unpatriotic an' outrygeous demands o' lybour. Blood- +suckin' tyranny o' Kepitel; thieves an' dawgs an 'owlin Jackybines-- +gents throwin' books at each other; all the resources of edjucytion +exhausted! If I'd bin Prime Minister I'd 'ave 'ad the Press's gas +cut 'orf at the meter. Puffect liberty, of course, nao Censorship; +just sy wot yer like--an' never be 'eard of no more. + + [Turning suddenly to THE PRESS, who has been scribbling in pace + with this harangue, and now has developed a touch of writer's + cramp.] + +Why! 'Is 'end's out o' breath! Fink o' vet! + +LORD W. Great tribute to your eloquence, Mr. Lemmy! + + [A sudden stir of applause and scraping of chairs is heard; the + meeting is evidently breaking up. LADY WILLIAM comes in, + followed by MRS. LEMMY with her trousers, and LITTLE AIDA. + LEMMY stares fixedly at this sudden, radiant apparition. His + gaze becomes as that of a rabbit regarding a snake. And + suddenly he puts up his hand and wipes his brow.] + + [LADY WILLIAM, going to the table, lifts one end of the Chinese + mat, and looks at LEMMY. Then she turns to LORD WILLIAM.] + +LADY W. Bill! + +LEMMY. [To his mother--in a hoarse whisper] She calls 'im Bill. +'Ow! 'Yn't she IT? + +LADY W. [Apart] Have you--spoken to him? + + [LORD WILLIAM shakes his head.] + +Not? What have you been saying, then? + +LORD W. Nothing, he's talked all the time. + +LADY W. [Very low] What a little caution! + +LORD W. Steady, old girl! He's got his eye on you! + + [LADY WILLIAM looks at LEMMY, whose eyes are still fixed on + her.] + +LADY W. [With resolution] Well, I'm going to tackle him. + + [She moves towards LEMMY, who again wipes his brow, and wrings + out his hand.] + +MRS. LEMMY. Don't 'ee du that, Bob. Yu must forgive'im, Ma'am; it's +'is admiration. 'E was always one for the ladies, and he'm not used +to seein' so much of 'em. + +LADY W. Don't you think you owe us an explanation? + +MRS. LEMMY. Speak up, Bob. + + [But LEMMY only shifts his feet.] + +My gudeness! 'E've a-lost 'is tongue. I never knu that 'appen to 'e +before. + +LORD W. [Trying to break the embarrassment] No ill-feeling, you +know, Lemmy. + + [But LEMMY still only rolls his eyes.] + +LADY W. Don't you think it was rather--inconsiderate of you? + +LEMMY. Muvver, tyke me aht, I'm feelin' fynte! + + [Spurts of the Marseillaise and the mutter of the crowd have + been coming nearer; and suddenly a knocking is heard. POULDER + and JAMES appear between the pillars.] + +POULDER. The populace, me Lord! + +LADY W. What! + +LORD W. Where've you put 'em, Poulder? + +POULDER. They've put theirselves in the portico, me Lord. + +LORD W. [Suddenly wiping his brow] Phew! I say, this is awful, +Nell! Two speeches in one evening. Nothing else for it, I suppose. +Open the window, Poulder! + +POULDER. [Crossing to the window] We are prepared for any +sacrifice, me Lord. + + [He opens the window.] + +PRESS. [Writing furiously] "Lady William stood like a statue at +bay." + +LORD W. Got one of those lozenges on you, Nell? + + [But LADY WILLIAM has almost nothing on her.] + +LEMMY. [Producing a paper from his pocket] 'Ave one o' my gum +drops? + + [He passes it to LORD WILLIAM.] + +LORD W. [Unable to refuse, takes a large, flat gum drop from the +paper, and looks at it in embarrassment.] Ah! thanks! Thanks +awfully! + + [LEMMY turns to LITTLE AIDA, and puts a gum drop in her mouth. + A burst of murmurs from the crowd.] + +JAMES. [Towering above the wine cooler] If they get saucy, me Lord, +I can always give 'em their own back. + +LORD W. Steady, James; steady! + + [He puts the gum drop absently in his mouth, and turns up to the + open window.] + +VOICE. [Outside] 'Ere they are--the bally plutocrats. + + [Voices in chorus: "Bread! Bread!"] + +LORD W. Poulder, go and tell the chef to send out anything there is +in the house--nicely, as if it came from nowhere in particular. + +POULDER. Very good, me Lord. [Sotto voce] Any wine? If I might +suggest--German--'ock? + +LORD W. What you like. + +POULDER. Very good, me Lord. [He goes.] + +LORD W. I say, dash it, Nell, my teeth are stuck! [He works his +finger in his mouth.] + +LADY W. Take it out, darling. + +LORD W. [Taking out the gum drop and looking at it] What the deuce +did I put it in for? + +PRESS. ['Writing] "With inimitable coolness Lord William prepared +to address the crowd." + + [Voices in chorea: "Bread! Bread!"] + +LORD W. Stand by to prompt, old girl. Now for it. This ghastly gum +drop! + + [LORD WILLIAM takes it from his agitated hand, and flips it + through the window.] + +VOICE. Dahn with the aristo----[Chokes.] + +LADY W. Oh! Bill----oh! It's gone into a mouth! + +LORD W. Good God! + +VOICE. Wet's this? Throwin' things? Mind aht, or we'll smash yer +winders! + + [As the voices in chorus chant: "Bread! Bread!" LITTLE ANNE, + night-gowned, darts in from the hall. She is followed by MISS + STOKES. They stand listening.] + +LORD W. [To the Crowd] My friends, you've come to the wrong shop. +There's nobody in London more sympathetic with you. [The crowd +laughs hoarsely.] [Whispering] Look out, old girl; they can see your +shoulders. [LORD WILLIAM moves back a step.] If I were a speaker, I +could make you feel---- + +VOICE. Look at his white weskit! Blood-suckers--fattened on the +people! + + [JAMES dives his hand at the wine cooler.] + +LORD W. I've always said the Government ought to take immediate +steps---- + +VOICE. To shoot us dahn. + +LORD W. Not a bit. To relieve the--er---- + +LADY W. [Prompting] Distress. + +LADY W. Distress, and ensure--er--ensure + +LADY W. [Prompting] Quiet. + +LORD W. [To her] No, no. To ensure--ensure---- + +L. ANNE. [Agonized] Oh, Daddy! + +VOICE. 'E wants to syve 'is dirty great 'ouse. + +LORD W. [Roused] D----if I do! + + [Rude and hoarse laughter from the crowd.] + +JAMES. [With fury] Me Lord, let me blow 'em to glory! + + [He raises the cooler and advances towards the window.] + +LORD W. [Turning sharply on him] Drop it, James; drop it! + +PRESS. [Jumping] No, no; don't drop it! + + [JAMES retires crestfallen to the table, where he replaces the + cooler.] + +LORD W. [Catching hold of his bit] Look here, I must have fought +alongside some of you fellows in the war. Weren't we jolly well like +brothers? + +A VOICE. Not so much bloomin' "Kamerad"; hand over yer 'Ouse. + +LORD W. I was born with this beastly great house, and money, and +goodness knows what other entanglements--a wife and family---- + +VOICE. Born with a wife and family! + + [Jeers and laughter.] + +LORD W. I feel we're all in the same boat, and I want to pull my +weight. If you can show me the way, I'll take it fast enough. + +A DEEP VOICE. Step dahn then, an' we'll step up. + +ANOTHER VOICE. 'Ear, 'Ear! + + [A fierce little cheer.] + +LORD W. [To LADY WILLIAM--in despair] By George! I can't get in +anywhere! + +LADY W. [Calmly] Then shut the window, Bill. + +LEMMY. [Who has been moving towards them slowly] Lemme sy a word to +'em. + + [All stare at him. LEMMY approaches the window, followed by + LITTLE AIDA. POULDER re-enters with the three other footmen.] + +[At the window] Cheerio! Cockies! + + [The silence of surprise falls on the crowd.] + +I'm one of yer. Gas an' water I am. Got more grievances an' out of +employment than any of yer. I want to see their blood flow, syme as +you. + +PRESS. [writing] "Born orator--ready cockney wit--saves situation." + +LEMMY. Wot I sy is: Dahn wiv the country, dahn wiv everyfing. Begin +agyne from the foundytions. [Nodding his head back at the room] But +we've got to keep one or two o' these 'ere under glawss, to show our +future generytions. An' this one is 'armless. His pipes is sahnd, +'is 'eart is good; 'is 'ead is not strong. Is 'ouse will myke a +charmin' palace o' varieties where our children can come an' see 'ow +they did it in the good old dyes. Yer never see rich waxworks as 'is +butler and 'is four conscientious khaki footmen. Why--wot dyer think +'e 'as 'em for--fear they might be out o'-works like you an' me. +Nao! Keep this one; 'e's a Flower. 'Arf a mo'! I'll show yer my +Muvver. Come 'ere, old lydy; and bring yer trahsers. [MRS. LEMMY +comes forward to the window] Tell abaht yer speech to the meetin'. + +MRS. LEMMY. [Bridling] Oh dear! Well, I cam' in with me trousers, +an' they putt me up on the pedestory at once, so I tole 'em. +[Holding up the trousers] "I putt in the button'oles, I stretches +the flies; I lines the crutch; I putt on this bindin', I presses the +seams--Tuppence three farthin's a pair." + + [A groan from tote crowd, ] + +LEMMY. [Showing her off] Seventy-seven! Wot's 'er income? Twelve +bob a week; seven from the Gover'ment an' five from the sweat of 'er +brow. Look at 'er! 'Yn't she a tight old dear to keep it goin'! No +workus for 'er, nao fear! The gryve rather! + + [Murmurs from the crowd, at Whom MRS. LEMMY is blandly smiling.] + +You cawn't git below 'er--impossible! She's the foundytions of the +country--an' rocky 'yn't the word for 'em. Worked 'ard all 'er life, +brought up a family and buried 'em on it. Twelve bob a week, an' +given when 'er fingers goes, which is very near. Well, naow, this +torf 'ere comes to me an' says: "I'd like to do somefin' for yer +muvver. 'Ow's ten bob a week?" 'e says. Naobody arst 'im--quite on +'is own. That's the sort 'e is. [Sinking his voice confidentially] +Sorft. You bring yer muvvers 'ere, 'e'll do the syme for them. I +giv yer the 'int. + +VOICE. [From the crowd] What's 'is nyme? + +LEMMY. They calls 'im Bill. + +VOICE. Bill What? + +L. ANNE. Dromondy. + +LADY W. Anne! + +LEMMY. Dromedary 'is nyme is. + +VOICE. [From the crowd] Three cheers for Bill Dromedary. + +LEMMY. I sy, there's veal an' 'am, an' pork wine at the back for +them as wants it; I 'eard the word passed. An' look 'ere, if yer +want a flag for the revolution, tyke muvver's trahsers an' tie 'em to +the corfin. Yer cawn't 'ave no more inspirin' banner. Ketch! [He +throws the trousers out] Give Bill a double-barrel fast, to show +there's no ill-feelin'. Ip, 'ip! + + [The crowd cheers, then slowly passes away, singing at a hoarse + version of the Marseillaise, till all that is heard is a faint + murmuring and a distant barrel-organ playing the same tune.] + +PRESS. [Writing] "And far up in the clear summer air the larks were +singing." + +LORD W. [Passing his heard over his hair, and blinking his eyes] +James! Ready? + +JAMES. Me Lord! + +L. ANNE. Daddy! + +LADY W. [Taking his arm] Bill! It's all right, old man--all right! + +LORD W. [Blinking] Those infernal larks! Thought we were on the +Somme again! Ah! Mr. Lemmy, [Still rather dreamy] no end obliged +to you; you're so decent. Now, why did you want to blow us up before +dinner? + +LEMMY. Blow yer up? [Passing his hand over his hair in travesty] +"Is it a dream? Then wykin' would be pyne." + +MRS. LEMMY. Bo-ob! Not so saucy, my boy! + +LEMMY. Blow yet up? Wot abaht it? + +LADY W. [Indicating the bomb] This, Mr. Lemmy! + + [LEMMY looks at it, and his eyes roll and goggle.] + +LORD W. Come, all's forgiven! But why did you? + +LEMMY. Orl right! I'm goin' to tyke it awy; it'd a-been a bit +ork'ard for me. I'll want it to-mower. + +LORD W. What! To leave somewhere else? + +LEMMY. 'Yus, of course! + +LORD W. No, no; dash it! Tell us what's it filled with? + +LEMMY. Filled wiv? Nuffin'. Wot did yet expect? Toof-pahder? +It's got a bit o' my lead soldered on to it. That's why it's 'eavy! + +LORD W. But what is it? + +LEMMY. Wot is it? [His eyes are fearfully fixed on LADY WILLIAM] I +fought everybody knew 'em. + +LADY W. Mr. Lemmy, you must clear this up, please. + +LEMMY. [TO LORD WILLIAM, With his eyes still held On LADY WILLIAM-- +mysteriously] Wiv lydies present? 'Adn't I better tell the Press? + +LORD W. All right; tell someone--anyone! + + [LEMMY goes down to THE PRESS, who is reading over his last + note. Everyone watches and listens with the utmost discretion, + while he whispers into the ear of THE PRESS; who shakes his head + violently.] + +PRESS. No, no; it's too horrible. It destroys my whole---- + +LEMMY. Well, I tell yer it is. + + [Whispers again violently.] + +PRESS. No, no; I can't have it. All my article! All my article! +It can't be--no---- + +LEMMY. I never see sick an obstinate thick-head! Yer 'yn't worvy of +yet tryde. + + [He whispers still more violently and makes cabalistic signs.] + + [LADY WILLIAM lifts the bomb from the cooler into the sight of + all. LORD WILLIAM, seeing it for the first time in full light, + bends double in silent laughter, and whispers to his wife. LADY + WILLIAM drops the bomb and gives way too. Hearing the sound, + LEMMY turns, and his goggling eyes pan them all in review. LORD + and LADY WILLIAM in fits of laughter, LITTLE ANNE stamping her + feet, for MISS STOKES, red, but composed, has her hands placed + firmly over her pupil's eyes and ears; LITTLE AIDA smiling + brilliantly, MRS. LEMMY blandly in sympathy, neither knowing + why; the FOUR FOOTMAN in a row, smothering little explosions. + POULDER, extremely grave and red, THE PRESS perfectly haggard, + gnawing at his nails.] + +LEMMY. [Turning to THE PRESS] Blimy! It amooses 'em, all but the +genteel ones. Cheer oh! Press! Yer can always myke somefin' out o' +nufun'? It's not the fust thing as 'as existed in yer imaginytion +only. + +PRESS. No, d---it; I'll keep it a bomb! + +LEMMY. [Soothingly] Ah! Keep the sensytion. Wot's the troof +compared wiv that? Come on, Muvver! Come on, Little Aida! Time we +was goin' dahn to 'Earf. + + [He goes up to the table, and still skidding a little at LADY + WILLIAM, takes the late bomb from the cooler, placing it under + his arm.] + +MRS. LEMMY. Gude naight, sir; gude naight, ma'am; thank yu for my +cup o' tea, an' all yore kindness. + + [She shakes hands with LORD and LADY WILLIAM, drops the curtsey + of her youth before Mr. POULDER, and goes out followed by LITTLE + AIDA, who is looking back at LITTLE ANNE.] + +LEMMY. [Turning suddenly] Aoh! An' jist one frog! Next time yer +build an 'ouse, daon't forget--it's the foundytions as bears the +wyte. + + [With a wink that gives way, to a last fascinated look at LADY + WILLIAM, he passes out. All gaze after them, except THE PRESS, + who is tragically consulting his spiflicated notes.] + +L. ANNE. [Breaking away from Miss STOKES and rushing forward] Oh! +Mum! what was it? + + +CURTAIN + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of THE FOUNDATIONS (play) +by John Galsworthy. + diff --git a/old/fndat11.zip b/old/fndat11.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..74249cc --- /dev/null +++ b/old/fndat11.zip |