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diff --git a/28596-8.txt b/28596-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f27057f --- /dev/null +++ b/28596-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2155 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +November 11, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, November 11, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 24, 2009 [EBook #28596] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOL. 147. + + NOVEMBER 11, 1914. + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"In Buenos Aires and other parts of Argentina," _The Express_ tells us, +"people are tired of the war, and a brisk trade is being done in the +sale of buttons to be worn by the purchaser, inscribed with the words +'_No me habla de la guerra_' ('Don't talk to me about the war')." The +KAISER, we understand, has now sent for one of these buttons. + + * * * + +The Crown Prince RUPPRECHT of Bavaria, in an order to his troops last +week, referred to the British in the following words:--"Here is the +enemy which chiefly blocks the way in the direction of restoration of +peace." Conceive a "contemptible little army" being able to do that! It +makes one wonder whether the first epithet was perhaps a misprint for +"contemptuous." + + * * * + +The Germans are now calling the Allies a Menagerie, though curiously +enough it is the others who have a Turkey waddling after them. + + * * * + +According to a report which reaches us the crews of the _Goeben_ +and _Breslau_ are wearing a most curious garb, being clothed in Turkish +fezes and breaches of neutrality. + + * * * + + "GERMANS MOWED DOWN FRENCH MARINES' BIG FEET." + + _Irish Independent._ + +This is really a most unfortunate misprint, for it is just this kind of +carping statement that leads the Germans to say we are falling out with +our Allies. + + * * * + +There is much speculation as to whether there is German blackmail behind +the announcement that the maximum period of quarantine for imported dogs +has been reduced from six months to four. + + * * * + +The only animals left alive in the Antwerp Zoo are reported to be the +elephants, which are now being used for military traction purposes. +Later on it is proposed by the Germans to drive them into the lines of +the Indian troops with a view to making the latter home-sick. + + * * * + +Mr. ALGERNON ASHTON asks in _The Evening News_, "Why is the Poet +Laureate so strangely silent?" Everyone else will remember Mr. BRIDGES' +patriotic lines at the beginning of the War, and we begin to suspect +that Mr. ASHTON'S well-known repugnance to writing for the papers has +been extended to the reading of them. + + * * * + +_The Daily Mirror_, to signalise its eleventh birthday, produced a +"Monster Number," yet it contained no portrait of the KAISER. + + * * * + +Happening to meet a music-hall acquaintance we asked him how he thought +the war was going, and he replied, "Oh, I think the managers will have +to give in." + + * * * + +America is evidently attempting to attract some of the devotees of +winter sports who usually go to Switzerland. Another landslide on the +Panama Canal is now announced. + + * * * + +We are sorry to have to bring a charge of lack of gallantry against _The +Leicester Mail_. We refer to the following passage in its description of +an ovation given to Driver OSBORNE, V.C., at Derby on the 31st ult. +After describing how, in the course of a great reception given to him by +a large crowd at the station, two or three buxom matrons insisted upon +embracing him, our contemporary continues: "Driver Osborne has now +practically recovered, and reports himself for duty again at the end of +this week." + + * * * + +The municipality of Berlin has decided to substitute for the existing +designations of some of the principal streets in that city the names of +"German generals who have become famous during the present war." This, +however, will not involve many alterations. + + * * * + +Orders have been issued by the Federal Council of the German Empire that +no bread other than that containing from 5 to 20 per cent. of potato +flour will be allowed to be baked. Such bread is to be sold under the +name of "K" bread. At first this was taken to be a graceful tribute to +Lord KITCHENER, but it is now officially stated that "K" stands for the +German for potatoes. + + * * * + +The _Kölnische Zeitung_ complains that English prisoners in Germany "are +allowed to lead the lives of Olympian Gods." Our choleric contemporary +is evidently unaware that we are allowing German prisoners to reside in +Olympia, which is the next best thing to Olympus. + + * * * + +The British steamer _Remuera_ reported on reaching Plymouth last week +that a German cruiser had attempted to trap her by means of a false +S.O.S. signal. We ought not, we suppose, to be surprised at a low trick +like this from the s.o.s.sidges. + + * * * + +There is one quality that no one can with justice deny to the Germans, +and that is thoroughness. The other day, having laid a mine, they seem +to have used one of their own cruisers to test its destructive power. + + * * * + +"It is noticeable," says _The Daily Mail_, "that the Kaiser's speeches +no longer include references to God, only Frederick the Great." This +confirms the rumours of a quarrel. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE AIRSHIP MENACE. + + * * * * * + +FAMOUS TOWN CAPTURED BY GERMANS. + + "In the south of Ypres we have lost some points, D'Appui, Hollebeke, + and Landvoorde." + + _Worcester Daily Times._ + +If your map doesn't give D'Appui, buy a more expensive one. + + * * * * * + + "Capstan Hands.--First-class Men, used to chucking work, for motor + vehicle parts." + + _Advt. in "The Manchester Guardian."_ + +They ought to be easy enough to get. + + * * * * * + + "Guardsmen again provided a dramatic element in the trial by + guarding the prisoner and the door which fixed bayonets." + + _Evening News._ + +You should see our arm-chair give the salute. + + * * * * * + +TO THE SHIRKER: A LAST APPEAL. + + Now of your free choice, while the chance is yours + To share their glory who have gladly died + Shielding the honour of our island shores + And that fair heritage of starry pride,-- + Now, ere another evening's shadow falls, + Come, for the trumpet calls. + + What if to-morrow through the land there runs + This message for an everlasting stain?-- + "England expected each of all her sons + To do his duty--but she looked in vain; + Now she demands, by order sharp and swift, + What should have been a gift." + + For so it must be, if her manhood fail + To stand by England in her deadly need; + If still her wounds are but an idle tale + The word must issue which shall make you heed; + And they who left her passionate pleas unheard + Will _have_ to hear that word. + + And, losing your free choice, you also lose + Your right to rank, on Memory's shining scrolls, + With those, your comrades, who made haste to choose + The willing service asked of loyal souls; + From all who gave such tribute of the heart + Your name will stand apart. + + I think you cannot know what meed of shame + Shall be their certain portion who pursue + Pleasure "as usual" while their country's claim + Is answered only by the gallant few. + Come, then, betimes, and on her altar lay + Your sacrifice to-day! + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +No. VII. + +(_From the PRESIDENT OF THE FRENCH REPUBLIC._) + +_Bordeaux._ + +Sire,--You will pardon me, I know, if for a moment I break in upon the +serious occupations and meditations in which your time must be spent. I +like to picture you to myself in the midst of your Staff, working out +for them and your armies great problems of strategy and devising those +movements which, so far, have overwhelmed not your foes so much as the +minds of your fellow-countrymen. You too, Sire, sanguine and impetuous +as is your nature, are no doubt beginning to realise that a great +nation--let us say France, for example--is not to be overcome by mere +shouting and the waving of sabres, or by the making of impassioned +speeches in which God, having been acclaimed as an ally, is encouraged +to perform miracles for the benefit of the Prussian arms. I do not deny +that your soldiers are brave and that your armies are well equipped; but +our Frenchmen too have guns and bayonets and swords and shells and know +how to make use of them, and their portion of courage is no smaller than +that of the Prussians, or even of the Bavarians whom you have lately +been vaunting. Moreover--and this you had perhaps over-looked--they have +something which is deadlier and more enduring than shot and shell and +steel--the unconquerable spirit which leaps up in the hearts of men who +are gathered to defend their country from invasion and their national +existence from destruction. + +Oh, Sire, how little you have understood France and her people; how +little you have understood the minds and motives of men! "France," your +Professors and your Generals told you, "is degenerate; her population is +smaller than ours; she has lost her skill in fighting and her courage; +she has no culture, never having heard of TREITSCHKE and having +neglected the inspired writings of NIETZSCHE; she will be an easy prey, +for no one will lift a hand to help her. England is lapped in ease +behind her ocean and will never fight again; Russia is distant and slow, +and we can despise her; Belgium will never dare to deny us anything we +care to ask. Let us make haste, then, and crush France to the earth for +ever." So you planned, and your legions set out to trample us down, with +the result that is now before the eyes of the world. + +Only a few words more. There is at Sampigny, in Lorraine, a modest +country-house, which was, in fact, my home. Your troops passed through +the place, and for no military reason that I can discover they reduced +this house to ruins. I know that that is a small price to pay for the +honour of being allowed to represent the French nation in this hour of +peril and glory, and I pay it willingly. When so many are laying down +their lives with joy why should I complain because a few walls have been +shattered? But I am reminded and I wish to remind you of another story. +One hundred and eight years ago, in October, the Great NAPOLEON, having +scattered your predecessor's armies to the four winds of heaven, +proceeded to Potsdam, where he visited the tomb of the great FREDERICK. +They showed him the dead King's sword, his belt and his cordon of the +Black Eagle. These Napoleon took, with the intention of sending them to +Paris, to be presented to the _Invalides_, amongst whom there still +lingered a few who had been defeated by FREDERICK at Rosbach. Certainly +the relics took no shame from such a seizure and such a guardianship. +But the palace at Potsdam was not destroyed and stands to this day. I do +not wish to liken myself to FREDERICK, nor do I compare you with +NAPOLEON, but I tell you the story, which is true, for what it is worth. +I wonder if you will appreciate it? + +Agree, Sire, the expression of my distinguished consideration. + + RAYMOND POINCARÉ. + + * * * * * + +THE IRON CROSS. + +(For German looters.) + + [_In tempi barbari e più feroci + S' appiccavan' i ladri in sulle croci; + In tempi men barbari e più leggiadri + S' appiccano le croci in petto ai ladri._--GIUST.] + + In former ferocious and barbarous times, + The thief was hung up on the cross for his crimes, + But Culture to savages offers relief-- + The cross is now hung on the breast of the thief. + + * * * * * + + "Amended and more stringent regulations concerning the lights of + London have been issued by Sir E. R. Henry, the Commissioner of + Police. A number of them are in the same terms as those which were + published in _The Globe_ nearly a month ago, but others make + important changes. For example, the third order, as originally + drafted, ran: 'The intensity of the inside lighting of shop fronts + must be reduced from 6 p.m. or earlier if the Commissioner of Police + on any occasion so directs', but it is now as follows:-- + +The intensity of the inside lighting of shop fronts must be reduced +_from 6 p.m. or earlier if the Commissioner of Police on any occasion so +directs_."--_Globe._ + +The italics ought to make it a lot darker. + + * * * * * + +Gifts of money for the purchase of blankets are being made in Germany +not less than here, and we understand that a large sum has been sent out +to South Africa addressed: "De Wet Blanket Fund." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: HIS MASTER'S VOICE. + +THE KAISER (_to Turkey, reassuringly_). "LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME. ALL +YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS TO EXPLODE." + +TURKEY. "YES, I QUITE SEE THAT. BUT WHERE SHALL _I_ BE WHEN IT'S ALL +OVER?" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Talkative Passenger._ "I SEE THAT THE YOUNG EARL OF +HARBORO' HAS JUST DONE A VERY PLUCKY ACT AT THE FRONT." + +_Rabid Socialist_ (_indignantly_). "WELL, SO HE OUGHT." + + * * * * * + +THE MISUSED TALENT. + +(_A mild apostrophe to the young man next door._) + + Augustus! ever prone at eve to gurgle a + Melodious distych from the music-halls, + Piping in summer from beneath a pergola, + Piping to-day behind these party-walls, + Three months ago and more, when Mars had thrust us + In doubt and dread alarm and cannons' mist, + I found one solace, for I mused, "Augustus + Will probably enlist. + + "I know not what his dreams of glory may be, + I know not if his heart is full of grit, + But I do know that he disturbs the baby, + And, judging by his lungs, he must be fit; + His is the frame, or else I've never seen one, + His are the fitting years to fight and roam, + He has no ties (except that pink and green one) + To tether him to home. + + "When he returns he'll possibly be sager; + If not (for glory of his long campaign) + We shall be thrilled to hear the sergeant-major + Singing the good old songs he loved again; + Bellona, too, has something of the witch in her; + It may be he will learn more tact and grace + When that mild tenor has been turned by KITCHENER + Into a throaty bass." + + Thus jestingly I dreamed. And now, Caruso, + You have not budged one inch upon the road; + While half the lads have got their khaki trousseau, + You still retain that voice and nut-like mode; + Peace holds you with the tightness of a grapnel, + And, still adhering to her ample hem, + You enfilade us with your tuney shrapnel + From 9 to 12 P.M. + + So here's my ultimatum. Though it loosens + The kindly bonds that neighbours ought to keep, + I'll take a summons out to curb the nuisance + Unless you stop it. Can I laugh or weep + For those who fling their challenge at the blighting gale, + Who smile to hear the cannon's murderous croon, + When you go on like a confounded nightingale + Under a fat-faced moon? + + The streets are darkened now that once were ringing + Through all the lamp-lit hours with festal fuss, + And songs are changed, and so's the time for singing, + But I'd be greatly pleased to hear you, Gus, + Out in the road there, watched by Anns and Maries, + Op'ning your throttle to the mid-day light; + Fate gave it you to prove that Tipperary's + A long way off. _Left--Right!_ + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +We commend _The Pioneer_ to the notice of our evening contemporaries. +Its "Extraordinary War Special"--price, one anna--consists of the +following:-- + + "No Reuter received since 8.30 a.m." + +A more enterprising paper, such as _The_ ---- or _The_ ----[_censored_] +would have provided some new headlines from yesterday's news. + + * * * * * + +TOMMY BROWN, PATRIOT. + +II. + +Tommy Brown has already been in disgrace, although it is only a +fortnight since he wrote the famous patriotic essay which determined Mr. +Smith, his Form-master, to go to the Front. You see, Miss Price, who is +deputising for Mr. Smith, does not like lizards, and has an especial +aversion to white rats, whereas Tommy is very fond of these and other +dumb animals. + +So Tommy was reported to the Headmaster. At first the Headmaster thought +that the application of "somewhat severe measures, my boy," would meet +the case; but whoever heard of caning a curly-headed boy with blue eyes +and an ink-stain on both lips? The interview took place in the +Headmaster's study. To the question, "What do you mean, Sir, by bringing +lizards and white rats to school?" Tommy said, "Yes, Sir," and then, +after thinking for fully three seconds, he said he had a ferret at home, +and did the Headmaster know how to hold a ferret so that it couldn't +bite you? + +It seems that ferrets, if they once get hold of your thumb, never let +go--_not never_--and that you have to force their jaws open with a +penholder; also ferrets exhibit a marked preference for thumbs. All this +information Tommy conveyed without drawing a breath. The Headmaster +said, "Quite so, my boy, quite so. But don't you know it is extremely +reprehensible conduct to bring animals to school in your pocket?" Well, +you see, that is how Tommy's mother talks to him, so he knew what to do, +and, looking up into the Headmaster's face with that wistful look of +his, he imparted the deep secret that he had a tortoise. + +Tortoises, the Headmaster learnt, had a way of getting lost among the +cabbages, but, if you wanted to prevent them from straying, all you had +to do was to turn them over on their backs and put a piece of brown +paper over them for their feet to play with. Also they were stuck fast +in their shells, because Tommy had tried. A boy had told Tommy that +tortoises laid eggs, but although Tommy had showed his tortoise a hen's +egg and then put the tortoise in a nice new nest the tortoise had taken +no step in the matter. + +However, Tommy promised never to bring any more animals to school and to +express his sorrow to Miss Price. And he was richer by sixpence when the +interview closed. + +At parting, Tommy offered to lend the Headmaster his tortoise for a +week, and told him that, if he stood for a whole hour on its back, it +wouldn't hurt it, because Tommy had trained it; also it never crawled +out of your pocket. + +Tommy apologised to Miss Price for bringing the white rats to +school--they weren't white rats really, not to look at; they were rather +piebald through constant association with ink. Also he brought an apple +and showed her how, by holding it a certain way whilst eating it, she +would miss the bad part. In further sign of amity he showed her his +knife, and especially that instrument in it which was used for removing +stones from horses' hoofs. Not that Tommy had removed many stones from +horses' hoofs, not very many, but if you had a tooth that was loose it +was very helpful. Miss Price gave him a new threepenny bit, and Tommy +tried hard to please her in arithmetic by reducing inches to pounds, +shillings and pence. + +With nine-pence in his pocket Tommy felt uneasy. It was a question +between a lop-eared rabbit and a mouth-organ. A lop-eared rabbit, that +is to say a proper one, cost two shillings; for nine-pence it was +probable that you could only get a rabbit which would lop with one ear. + +Besides, a lop-eared rabbit meant a hutch, and he had already used the +cover of his mother's sewing-machine for the piebald rats. + +On the other hand, you could get a mouth-organ with a bell on it for +nine-pence; he knew. + +It was a splendid instrument! + +Tommy took it to bed with him and put it under his pillow, and when his +mother came to see that he was all right at night his hand was clutched +round it as he slept content. + +The next day Tommy gave an organ recital in the playground before a +large and enthusiastic audience. For a marble he would let you blow it +while he held it. For two marbles you could hold it yourself. + +One boy paid the two marbles, and noticed the words "Made in Germany" in +small letters on the under side. The silence that followed the +announcement of this discovery was broken only by the sound of Jones +minor biting an apple. All eyes were on Tommy Brown. For the fraction of +a second he hesitated, and in that fraction Brook tertius giggled. + +Tommy seized the mouth-organ with a determination that was almost +ferocious; he threw it on the ground, stamped on it with his heel again +and again, and finally took and pitched it into a neighbouring garden. +He then fell upon Brook tertius and punched him until he howled. + +Before Tommy Brown could go to sleep that night his mother had to sit by +his bed-side and hold his hand; he never released her hand until he was +fast asleep. How like his father (the V.C.) he looked! She wondered what +made him toss so in his sleep and what had become of his mouth-organ +with the bell on it. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: HOW TO BRING UP A HUN. THE TEUTONIC SUBSTITUTE FOR MILK. + + * * * * * + + "FRENCH PRESIDENT AT THE FONT." + + _Leicester Daily Mercury._ + +Where he received his baptism of fire? + + * * * * * + + "German infantry on the morning of the 5th ventured an assault and + were repulsed by blithering fire."--_Pioneer._ + +Some of their Professors should be able to do good work in the +blithering line. + + * * * * * + + "Reuter's agency learns that according to an official telegram + received in London Turkish vessels have entered the open port of + Odessa and bombarded Russian ships. + + 6 to 1 agst Cheerful, 7 to 1 agst Flippant." + + _South Wales Echo._ + +Not at all; we remain both. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: WHAT OUR TAILOR HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Scene I._ A PERFECT FIT. _Scene II._ AFTER A WEEK'S DRILL. + + * * * * * + +BEGBIE REBUKED. + +Fleet Street was thrilled to the depths of its deepest inkpot last week +when it read in _The Daily Chronicle_ of the historic meeting between +Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE and Mr. W. J. BRYAN in New York. The sensation was +caused not so much by the announcement that Mr. BRYAN "has the long +mouth of the orator, the lips swelling and protruding as he speaks, +thinning and compressing when he is silent," or that "the full and heavy +neck, which seems to be part of the face, is corded with muscles," +although either of those statements is startling enough. Nor was it Mr. +BEGBIE'S struggle to decide whether he should devote his attention to +the great statesman or to the railway station in which they met, the +statesman being selected only just in time. No, what nearly stopped the +clock of St. Bride's church was this paragraph in Mr. BEGBIE'S record of +the event: "At this point I asked quite innocently, and with a real +desire for information, an obvious but indiscreet question, which Mr. +BRYAN rebuked me for asking, reminding me that he was a member of the +Government." + +What a subject for an Academy painting in oils! Or, if MILTON had been +living at this hour, how he would have immortalised the touching scene! + +A desire to present to our readers some fuller details of this +world-staggering event prompted us to cable to a few correspondents in +New York. One cables back: "The scene was dramatic in the extreme. The +journalist, his big blue eyes brimming with innocence, gently breathed +his question, when the great statesman shook his shaggy mane and roared +out his rebuke like a lion in pain. The journalist's apologetic gesture +was one of the most delicate things I have ever seen." + +Another tells us:--"When Mr. BEGBIE put his question so great a +stillness reigned throughout the crowded railway station that you could +have heard a goods-train shunt." Mr. BRYAN looked long and earnestly at +the journalist, then, placing his hand affectionately on his shoulder, +he said to him in a throbbing voice, "Oh, HAROLD, how can you?" + + * * * * * + +"THE INCORRIGIBLES." + +"The enemy made attacks, but each effort was repulsed with great +laughter."--_Star._ + + * * * * * + + "One recalls in this connection the statement made by Alexander the + Great, that Napoleon's invasion of Russia was defeated not by the + Cossacks, but by Generals January and February."--_Stock Exchange + Gazette._ + +This reminds us of CÆSAR'S comment on the sack of +Louvain:--"_Magnificens est, sed non bellum._" + + * * * * * + +WIRELESS. + + There sits a little demon + Above the Admiralty, + To take the news of seamen + Seafaring on the sea; + So all the folk aboard-ships + Five hundred miles away + Can pitch it to their Lordships + At any time of day. + + The cruisers prowl observant; + Their crackling whispers go; + The demon says, "Your servant," + And lets their Lordships know; + A fog's come down off Flanders? + A something showed off Wick? + The captains and commanders + Can speak their Lordships quick. + + The demon sits a-waking; + Look up above Whitehall-- + E'en now, mayhap, he's taking + The Greatest Word of all; + From smiling folk aboard-ships + He ticks it off the reel:-- + "An' may it please your Lordships, + A Fleet's put out o' Kiel!" + + * * * * * + + "Much indecision prevails as to what the value of sultanas will be + in the near future." + + _Daily Telegraph._ + +What the Germans want to know is the price of Sultans. + + * * * * * + +BLANCHE'S LETTERS. + +WAR GOSSIP. + +_Park Lane._ + +Dearest Daphne,--The situation here is unchanged, though we have made +some progress in knitting. Forgive me, _m'amie_, but one does get so +much into the _despatch_ habit! The other day I'd a letter from Babs, in +which she told me she'd "nothing fresh to report on her right wing" +before she pulled herself together. + +Norty's at the front as a flying-man. He's finding out all sorts of +things, dropping bombs on Zeppelins and covering himself with glory. I +had a few lines from him last week. He dated from "A place in Europe" +(they have to be _enormously_ cautious!), and said he was having the +time of his life. He was immensely pleased with the last letter I +managed to get through to him, and was particularly struck, he says, +with my advice to him: "Find out all you can, and above all don't get +caught;" he considers it simply _invaluable_ advice and says all airmen +ought to have it written up in letters of gold somewhere or other. + +Stella Clackmannan's had a fortnight's training as a nurse and is off. I +ran in to see the dear thing the night before she left. She'd been +posing to a photographer in her Red Cross uniform for _hours_ and +_hours_ and was almost in a state of _collapse_; but the heroic darling +said she was ready to do even _more than that_ for her country. In one +photo she's sitting by a cot with her hands folded, looking sad but +_very_ sweet. In another she's standing up, singing, "It's a long way to +Tipperary;" and in a third she's bandaging someone (she had one of the +foot-men in for this photo), and, _à mon avis_, it's the least +successful of all. She appears to be _choking_ the poor man! However, +they're immensely charming, and will all be seen in the "Aristocratic +Angels of Mercy" page of next week's _People of Position_. + +Dear Professor Dimsdale has only just got back to England from his +eclipse expedition. I'm not sure now whether it was an eclipse or an +occultation, but anyhow the only place where it could be properly seen +was a mountain in the Austrian Tyrol. It was due in the middle of +August, and the last week in July the Professor set off with his big +telescope and his lenses and his assistants and his note-books and +everything that was his. He lived a week or two on the mountain, to get +used to the atmosphere and prepare all his things, so he didn't know +what was going on in the world below. And then, just as the eclipse or +whatever it was _began_, and the Professor was looking up at the sky for +all he was worth, a lot of fearful creatures came rushing up the +mountain and said there was a war and that he was an alien enemy and +that he was making signals and that his big telescope was a new sort of +howitzer; and they pushed him down the mountain, and broke his telescope +and all his lenses, and tore up his note-books, and shook their fists at +him and used such language that he said for the first time in his life +he was sorry he was such a good linguist! + +They finished by shutting him up in a fortress, and there he's been ever +since. He hardly knows how it was he got away, but he believes the whole +garrison was marched off to meet the Russians, and that they're all +prisoners now--which is his only drop of comfort. I've tried to console +him for having missed what he went to see. I said, "Perhaps the eclipse +or whatever it was will happen again soon--or one like it." He groaned +out, "My dear lady, that particular conjunction of the heavenly bodies +will not occur again for 2,645 years, 9 months, 3 weeks and 2 days." So +there it is, my dearest! + +Would it cheer you up to hear a small romance of war and knitting? Here +it is, then. Some time ago Monica Jermyn brought round some terrific +mitts she'd knitted to go in one of my parcels for the troops. She's +easily the worst knitter who ever held needles! "My _dear_ child," I +said, "what simply ghastly mitts! They're full of mistakes." "What's it +matter?" Monica answered. "Mistakes will keep them quite as warm as the +right stitches. Besides, they're all right. I knit ever so much better +now than when I used to make socks for the Deep Sea Fisherman last +year." "That's not saying much," I said. "I remember those socks for the +Deep Sea Fishermen, and I doubt whether even the _deepest_ sea fishermen +would know how to put them on! What's this?" "It's a message to go with +the mitts," replied Monica. This was the message:--"The girl who made +these mitts hopes they will be a comfort to some dear brave hands +fighting for her and her sisters in England." "Oh, my _dear_!" I +remonstrated. "It's very _young_ and _romantic_ of you, but don't you +think it's _just_ a little----" "No, I don't!" she cried. "And if it is, +I don't care. Please, please let it go!" So it went. + +Soon after that the Jermyns went down to their place in Sussex, and +later I heard they'd some convalescent war heroes as guests. Monica +wrote me: "All six of them are dear brave darlings, of course, but _one_ +of them is _darlinger_ than the others. Tell it not in Gath, dear +Blanche, but I think I've met my fate!" Later she wrote: "He's getting +on splendidly. He turns out to be a cousin of the Flummerys. He +performed _prodigies_ of valour, but won't say a _word_ about it. When +he leaves us my heart will quite, _quite_ break--and I sometimes hope +_his_ will too!" + +Yesterday came the following:--"Claude and I belong to each other. And +what, oh _what_ do you think helped to lead up to the dear, delicious +finale? But wait. My hero is almost quite well now, and this morning, +when we took what would have been our _last_ little walk in the grounds, +it happened! He walks _beautifully_ now, though he still needs an arm at +about the level of _mine_ to lean on. It was a chilly morning and, as I +was looking down and trying to think of something to say, I gave a +sudden shriek, for on his dear heroic wrists I recognised--_My Mitts_! +And when he heard I'd made them he was just as _confondu_ as I was. +'They were in a bale of comfies sent to my company,' he said, 'and I had +the ladling out of them to the men. But when I came to these mitts, with +the sweet little message pinned to them, I simply couldn't part with +them! And to think _you_ made them--and wrote the little message! It +makes one believe in all those psychic what-d'-you-call-'ems.' + +"I felt a crisis was coming and so I said hurriedly, 'Oh, I only wish +they were worthier of--of--brave hands and wrists. I'm a wretched +knitter--they're full of mistakes--I kept forgetting to keep to the +pattern--it ought to have been, "_knit_ two together and _make_ +one"--but of course you don't understand knitting.' 'I understand it +right enough if _that's_ all there is to it,' he said. "Knit two +together and make one." Monica--no, you mustn't run away----' And +that's all you're going to be told, Blanche, except that the powers that +be have given their consent and I'm too happy for words!" + +_Et voilà mon petit roman de guerre et de tricotage._ + +My poor Josiah is still at the uttermost edge of beyond. He began to +come home, and the boat was chased and ran to an island for shelter, and +then the island was taken by one of our enemies and he was a prisoner. +Then it was retaken by one of the Allies and he was free again. Since +then more things have happened and he's been a prisoner again, and free +again. And now he's lost count, and says he doesn't know _what_ he is or +_who's_ got the island! + +Ever thine, + +BLANCHE. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Cyclist._ "MANY RECRUITS GONE FROM THIS VILLAGE?" + +_Shopkeeper._ "NO, SIR." + +_Cyclist._ "OH, WHY'S THAT?" + +_Shopkeeper._ "WELL, SIR, AFTER GOING CAREFULLY INTO THE MATTER, WE, IN +THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD, DECIDED TO REMAIN ABSOLUTELY NEUTRAL." + + * * * * * + +FATHER WILHELM. + + "You are bold, Father WILHELM," the young man said; + "Your moustache, too, is fiercer than mine; + But I'm tempted to ask by the size of your head, + Do you really suppose you're divine?" + + "In my youth," said his father, "you probably know + That I held the most orthodox views; + But since I have hypnotized HARNACK and CO. + I simply believe what I choose." + + "You are bold," said the youth, "as I've mentioned before, + Yet you frequently talk through your hat; + For you told us the English were worthless in war; + Pray what was the reason of that?" + + "In my earlier days," said his sire, "through and through + I studied that decadent race, + And in failing to prove that my forecast was true + They have covered themselves with disgrace." + + "You are bold," said the youth, "and the Nietzschean creed + Cries, 'Down with the humble and meek;' + Yet the sack of Louvain made your bosom to bleed; + Why were you so painfully weak?" + + "In my youth," said his father, "I studied the Arts + With a zeal that no force could restrain; + And the love of mankind which that study imparts + Has made me unduly humane." + + "You _were_ bold," said the youth, "but it seems to be clear + That you're losing your grit and your fire; + And, if I may whisper the hint in your ear, + Don't you think that you ought to retire?" + + "I've answered three questions," the KAISER replied, + "That might baffle the wit of a ZANCIG; + I'm tired of your talk and I'm sick of your 'side': + Be off, or I'll send you to Danzig." + + * * * * * + +THE WAY OF THE TURK. + + The position of Turkey is muddled and murky, + But the course she's resolved to pursue + Is true to her mind, which we constantly find + _À l'Enver(s) et contre tous._ + + * * * * * + + "The Hun and the Tartar stand together--_par mobile patrum_." + + _Newcastle Daily Journal._ + +We cannot speak with equal confidence of the head of the Tartars, but +the KAISER certainly makes a very mobile parent. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Cavalry Instructor_ (_to nervous Recruit_). "NOW THEN; +NONE O' THEM COSSACK STUNTS 'ERE." + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +VII. + +Dear Charles,--We haven't gone yet. Upon my word, we don't know what to +do about it. We start off for the Continent and then we halt and ask +ourselves, "Won't they be wanting us to go to Egypt and have a word with +the enemy there?" So we come back and change our underclothes and start +out again; but we haven't got far before a persistent subaltern starts a +scare about invasions. At that we halt again and have a pow-wow. Thick +underclothes for the Continent; thin underclothes for Egypt, but what +underclothes for home defence? And that, old man, is the real difficulty +about war: what clothes are you to make it in? Our official programme +is, however, clearly defined now. It is this: We sail on or +about ---- to ----, and thence to ----, pausing for a cup of tea at ----. +We then change direction left and turn down by the butcher's shop and up +past the post-office. Here we form fours, form two deep, slope arms, +order arms, present arms, trail arms, ground arms, take up arms, pile +arms, unpile arms, move to the right in fours, by the left, left wheel. +The essence of these manoeuvres is that they make it impossible for +even the most acute enemy to guess which is our real direction. He +gathers that it is one of two things: it is either right or, failing +that, left. But which? Ah, that is the secret! Sometimes I am in some +doubt myself after having given the order. + +Our musical _repertoire_ is extensive, and, I venture to think, very +aptly and poetically expresses the feelings of soldiers in the several +aspects of military life. Their deep-seated respect for ceremonial is +expressed thus, to the _Faust_ airs:-- + + "All soldiers live on bread and jam; + All soldiers eat it instead o' ham. + And every morning we hear the Colonel say, + 'Form fours! Eyes right! Jam for dinner to-day!'" + +His heart's sorrow upon leaving his fatherland is rendered exactly +thus:-- + + "The ship is now in motion; + We're going to cross the Ocean. + Good bye-er! + Fare-well-er! + Farewell for ever-mo-er!" + +And lastly his deep concern for his country's and his own and +everybody's welfare is thus put:-- + + "I don't care if the ship goes down, + It doesn't belong to me." + +We had a Divisional Field Day yesterday. Recollecting a previous +experience, the G.O.C. sent for his three Brigadiers, when the division +was assembled for action, and, it seems, said to them, "There must be +less noise." The Brigadiers, returning to the field, called out each his +four battalion-commanders and said to them, distinctly, "There must be +less noise." The twelve battalion-commanders called out each his eight +company-commanders, who called out each his four section-commanders, and +in every instance was repeated, quite audibly, the same utterance, +"There must be less noise." Three hundred and eighty-four +section-commanders were engaged in impressing this order, with all the +emphasis it deserved, upon the men, when the General rode on to the +field. His anger was extreme. "THERE MUST BE LESS NOISE!" said he. + +Yours ever, + +Henry. + + * * * * * + + "The Press also avoids very carefully all discussion of the status + of the Goeben and the Breslau. Practically the only reference to the + subject is a remark in the _Frankfurter Zeitung_ that Turkey has + alone to decide what ships are to fly under her flag."--_Times._ + +If Turkey decides that the _Goeben_ is to fly, we hope she will warn the +man who works the searchlights at Charing Cross. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A GLORIOUS EXAMPLE. + +ABLE-BODIED CIVILIAN (_to Territorial_). "THAT OUGHT TO GIVE YOU A GOOD +LEAD, MATE." + +TERRITORIAL. "YES--AND I MEAN TO TAKE IT! WHAT ABOUT _YOU_?" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A PRUSSIAN COURT-PAINTER EARNING AN IRON CROSS BY +PAINTING PICTURES IN PRAISE OF THE FATHERLAND FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION. + + * * * * * + +"CHARLIE" BERESFORD. + +By TOBY, M.P. + +"LORD CHARLES has broken his chest-bone--a piece of which was cut out in +his boyhood leaving a cavity--his pelvis, right leg, right hand, foot, +five ribs, one collar-bone three times, the other once, his nose three +times." Thus Mr. COPE CORNFORD in one of the notes with which he +illuminates the _Memoirs of Admiral Lord Charles Beresford_, published +by Messrs. METHUEN in two volumes, illustrated with a score of plates, +the portrait of Lady CHARLES adding the charm of rare beauty to the +collection. + +For many years I have been honoured by the friendship of Lord CHARLES, +and have had frequent opportunity of witnessing his multiform supremacy. +Till I read this amazing catalogue of calamities, I never dreamt that +among other claims to distinction he might have been billed as The +Fractured Man, principal attraction in a travelling show, eclipsing the +One-Legged Camel, the Tinted Zebra, and the Weird-Eyed Wanton from the +Crusty North, who can sing in five languages "It's a Long, Long Way to +Tipperary." Ignoring the monotony of experience suffered by the ribs, +and noting the obtrusiveness of one collar-bone, we may, with slight +variation from a formula in use by the SPEAKER in the House of Commons, +declare "The Nose has it." Happily no one regarding Lord CHARLES'S +cheery countenance would guess that its most prominent feature had been +"broken three times." + +Here is a man whose life should be written. Fortunately the task has +been undertaken by Lord CHARLES himself, and the world is richer by a +book which, instructive in many ways, valuable as throwing side-lights +on the slow advance of the Navy to the proud position which it holds +to-day on the North Sea, bubbles over with humour. + +Record opens in the year 1859, when Lord CHARLES entered the Navy, +closing just half-a-century later, when he hauled down his flag and +permanently came ashore. Within the space of fifty years there is +crammed a life of adventure richly varied in range. A man of exuberant +individuality, which has occasional tendency to obscure supreme +capacity, of fearless courage, gifted with a combination of wit and +humour, Lord CHARLES is the handy-man to whom in emergency everyone +looked not only for counsel but for help. It is a paradox, but a +probability, that had he been duller-witted, a more ponderous person, he +would have carried more weight alike in the councils of the Admiralty at +Whitehall and of the nation at Westminster. + +As these memoirs testify, behind a smiling countenance he hides an +unbending resolution to serve the public interest, whether aboard ship +or in his place in Parliament. Perhaps the most familiar incident in his +professional career is his exploit during the bombardment of Alexandria, +when the signal flashed from the flag-ship, "Well done, _Condor_." A +more substantial service was his command of what he describes as "the +penny steamer" _Safieh_, whose manoeuvring on the Nile amid desperate +circumstances averted from Sir CHARLES WILSON'S desert column, hastening +to the rescue of GORDON, the fate which earlier had befallen STEWART. + +Another splendid piece of work was accomplished when, after the +bombardment of Alexandria he was appointed Provost-Marshal and Chief of +Police, and had committed to his charge the task of restoring order. His +conspicuous success on this occasion bore fruit many years later when he +was offered the post of Chief Commissioner of Police in the Metropolis. +His story of the Egyptian and Soudan Wars, carried through several +chapters, is a valuable contribution to history. It suggests that, all +other avenues to fame closed against him, Lord CHARLES would have made +an enduring name as a war correspondent. + +It is a circumstance incredible, save in view of the authority upon +which it is stated, that, as part of the reward for his splendid service +in the Soudan, Lord CHARLES narrowly escaped compulsory retirement from +the Service before he had completed the time required to qualify for +Flag Rank. The Queen's Regulations ordained that before a captain could +win this prized position he must have completed a period of from five to +six years of active service. In 1892, Lord CHARLES, the flag almost in +reach of his hand, applied for permission to count-in the 315 days he +was strenuously and brilliantly at work in the Soudan. The Board of +Admiralty, invulnerable in their environment of red tape, refused the +request, repeating the _non possumus_ when on two subsequent occasions +the request was preferred. + +It must be admitted that the Board had no reason to regard Lord CHARLES +with favour or even with equanimity. When returned to Parliament, the +man who had superintended the mending of the boiler on the penny +steamboat on the Nile, devoted himself to the bigger task of mending the +Navy, at that time in an equally pitiful condition. During his brief and +solitary term of office as Junior Lord of the Admiralty, Lord CHARLES, +who thought he was put there to do some work, drew up a memorandum on +the necessity of creating at the Admiralty a Naval Intelligence +Department. The memorandum was laid before the Board, and the Junior +Lord was told he was meddling with high matters that did not come within +the scope of his business. A few weeks later a Naval Intelligence +Department (of a sort) was created. _Sic vos non vobis._ + +'Twas ever thus. Lord CHARLES, whether in office, on active service, or +from his familiar place above the Gangway in the House of Commons, +bringing to bear upon Naval affairs the gift of keen intuition and the +endowment of long practical experience, has, with one exception, done +more than any man living to deliver the Navy from mistakes inevitable in +the case of the over-lordship of a civilian who is subject to currents +of political and party feeling. By way of reward he has received more +kicks than ha'pence. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: GERMANISED TURKEY. + +"DERE YOU ARE, MEIN FRIENDT; DER SAME OLD FLAG MIT A _LEEDLE_ +DIFFERENCE." + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER RUINED TRADE. + +I had secured an empty compartment. Something in my blood makes me rush +for an empty compartment. I suppose it is because I am a Briton, yet it +was another Briton who intruded upon my privacy. + +At the first glance I saw that he would talk to me about the--well, what +do you expect? I can always tell when men want to talk about it. Would +that I had the same subtle instinct when they wish to borrow money! I +was ready for him. If he said, "Have you heard?" I was going to answer, +"About the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR ordering Lord FISHER to be +imprisoned in the Tower as a spy? Why, my brother-in-law told me all +about it last week." + +Instead he put his hand on my knee and asked, "Are you a German?" + +"Unless I am descended from HENGIST or HORSA," I replied, "there isn't +an atom of culture in me." + +"Then I can confide in you. A disturbance is advancing in this direction +from Eastern Europe." + +"You mean that the CROWN PRINCE is retreating towards us from Poland?" + +"No," he snapped. "And another disturbance is coming from the vicinity +of Iceland." + +"Good heavens! This is too much. At my time of life how am I to learn +how to pronounce Pzreykjavik." + +"Let me tell you what I prophesy for the next few days. Saturday will be +bright." + +"Splendid! A cheerful week-end will do us all good." + +"Sunday will be gloomy, and on Monday will come the downfall." + +"WILLIAM'S or ours?" + +"Accompanied by strong south-westerly winds, rising to a gale, and a +rapid fall of the barometer. So now you know. My mind is easy. I have +told someone. I have been cruelly censored--only allowed to predict just +wet or fine from day to day. I felt that I must tell someone. The Censor +and Count ZEPPELIN between them were killing me." + +I pitied the agony of the professional weather forecaster. I promised to +respect his confidence. I left the carriage proud of the fact that I was +one of the two men in England who knew what Saturday's weather would be. +That is why I left my umbrella at home while apparently every other man +took his out. It is also the reason why my new topper was ruined. And +now I wonder whether the prophet was mistaken, or whether at the last +moment he detected signs of culture in me and lied. + + * * * * * + +From an Indian paper:-- + + "The Germans are continuing the questionable tactics of sowing + floating mines in neutral waters to the danger of neutral shipping, + as well as of British and French war vessels. They are apparently + tying them in Paris, so as to make it more difficult to avoid them." + +As a result, the _Iron Duke_ has had to give up entirely its morning run +down the Rue de Rivoli. At the same time we are glad to hear that these +floating mines are tied. It stops them from floating quite so much. + + * * * * * + +IN THE WINGS. + +(NOTE: _If this essay in the well-informed manner achieves any success, +the credit is largely due to the timely interruptions of the Censor._) + +Few people, I think, realise the tremendous significance of waterproof +overalls in a war like the present. I was talking to one of our most +prominent Midland manufacturers at Sheringham the other day and he +remarked confidentially [passage deleted by the Censor] at fifteen per +cent. reduction to our soldiers for spot cash. + + * * * + +Which reminds me of a stifling Malta afternoon, when I first saw the +good ship _Sheringham_ steam slowly up through the haze of Sliema Creek. +It was in the early days of the Navy's grey-paint era. The change was a +drastic one, as all service-men admitted. And why grey? I make no secret +of the fact that I have always advocated ultramarine for the +Mediterranean station; but the Grey Water School, you know--well, there, +I must not be indiscreet. + + * * * + +Life on a cruiser may be the tally for some, but give me the nimble +t.b.d.! There you have none of "the great monotony of sea" which drove +W.M.T. to his five meals a day. Nothing but the charming _fraternité_ of +the ward-room, the delightful inconsequences of the chart-house kitten, +and the throb of the oil-fed turbine! Unless I am greatly mistaken +[passage deleted by the Censor--which shows that I wasn't]. + + * * * + +I was dining the other evening at the Buckingham Palace with a friend +who is well known in Foreign Office circles. The conversation turned, +naturally enough, on the dangers in our midst from foreign waiters. The +English waiter who was attending us happened at the moment to dislodge +with his elbow a wine-list which, in falling, decanted a quantity of +Sauterne into the lap of my _vis-à-vis_, who remarked [passage deleted +by the Censor]. + + * * * + +I learn from reliable sources that one wing of our "contemptible little +army" is resting upon ----. Dear old ----! How often have I wandered down +your sleepy little High Street to the _épicerie_ of our lively old +_Thérèse_! But that was in the old days, before the black arts of +Kaiserism transformed the peace of yesterday into the Armageddon of +to-day. Next week I shall deal more intimately with life behind the +scenes in German frontier towns; but you must wait with what patience +you can for these further confidences. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "NO, SIR, THEY WOULDN'T TAKE OUR FRED, 'COS THEY SAID +HE'D A-GOT BELLICOSE VEINS." + + * * * * * + +GREY GIBBONS. + + With fingers too canny to bungle, + With footsteps too cunning to swerve, + They swing through the heights of the jungle, + These stalwarts of infinite nerve; + Blithe sailors who heed not the breezes + Which play round their riggings and spars, + Lithe gymnasts who live on trapezes + And parallel bars. + + In ballrooms of plantain and mango + They scamper, they slither and slide + In the throes of a tropical tango, + In the grip of a Gibbony glide; + 'Tis thus in these desolate spaces, + Away from humanity's ken, + They mimic the civilised races + And strive to be men. + + As the grey little acrobats patter + O'er creepers of myriad shapes, + They mouth not the meaningless chatter + Of dull and demoralised apes; + But, proud of their portion as creatures + Who know not the stigma of tails, + They screw up their weather-worn features + And practise their scales. + + And oft in this primitive Eden + When I study some antic that hints + At the physical fitness of Sweden, + The speed of American sprints, + I dream of the wreaths and the ribbons + Their prowess would certainly win, + If there weren't any war, and my gibbons + Could go to Berlin. + + J. M. S. + + * * * * * + +MY FAVOURITE PAPER. + +BY A VORACIOUS READER. + +All day long I read the papers that keep this little island noisy and +tell us how we ought to be governed. I can't help it. I want to know the +latest, and reading the papers seems (more or less) the way to get at +it. The best way of all, of course, is to meet a man at a club or a +resident in a locality favoured by retired colonels; but, in default of +those advantages, one must buy the papers. And then of course it follows +that one reads far too many papers and gets one's head far too full of +war news. Still, what would you have? The war is so eminently first and +everything else nowhere that this is inevitable. + +Outside suggestion has its share, too. Morning papers are a matter of +course. One reads one's regular morning papers and no others. But after +that the trouble begins with the evening paper placards, each with its +lure. How can one resist them? The progress of the Allies! The repulsing +of the enemy! The ten miles gained! The Russian advance! A German +cruiser sunk! Each newsman has a different bait, and as the day goes on +they become more attractive, so that one goes to bed at night filled +with optimism. Well, these all have to be bought. + +Speaking as a reader of too many of them I must admit to a grievance or +two; and the chief is the difficulty that we have in finding the +fulfilment of all the promises which are set out in the headings to the +principal war news. For example, I find among these headings on the day +on which I write a reference to a German admission of failure and +dismay. But can I find the thing itself? I cannot. It may be there, but +again and again has my eye travelled up and down the columns seeking the +nutritious morsel and not yet has it alighted thereon, and that is but +one case out of many. Sometimes after a long hunt I do track these +joyful tit-bits down, and then discover that they are separated from the +heading by several columns. Some day a newspaper editor will arise who +can achieve a really useful index to his contents. _The Times_ used to +have something of the sort, but under the stress of battle that has +gone. + +Another grievance--but I shall say no more on that subject. Grievances +are for peace time, when a general huffiness and stuffiness about the +way that everyone else conducts business is natural and indeed expected. +In wartime no one should be harassed by criticism. So I pass on to the +paper which I like best of all those now being published. I like it +because it contains the news I most want to read, and every day, or +rather every night, it gets better and will continue to get better until +the Brandenberg gate opens to let the Allies in. This paper is not a +morning paper and not an evening paper. It is published at night, in the +smallest of the small hours, and I am its sole subscriber, for it is the +paper of my dreams. Whether or not I am its editor I could not say. That +question leads to the greater one which would need a volume for its +decision: Do we compose our own dreams, or are they provided by Ole Luk +Oie or some other dream-spinner? Anyway, no one can read the paper of my +dreams but I, and it is, after all, the best reading. It contains the +oddest things. Last night it had a fine article about a football match +in the North of England. Twenty-two terrific fellows, whose united +salaries came to a respectable fortune and whose united transfer fees, +should their Clubs ever let them go, would be sufficient to build a +_Dreadnought_, had been charging up and down the ground in a series of +magnificent rushes, while ten thousand North of England lads roared +themselves hoarse to see such glory. Suddenly a newspaper boy, reckless +of his life, dashed on to the ground with a placard stating that a whole +regiment of British soldiers had been trapped by a German ruse and +annihilated. In an instant the game was broken up and every player and +every spectator who was of age ran like hares to the nearest recruiting +office and enrolled themselves as soldiers. They had seen in a flash +that the only chance for England to get rid of this German menace was +for every eligible man to do his share. + +In another part of the paper I read of a young and powerful man in an +English village who, on being asked if he did not think that England was +in danger, replied "Yes." He was then asked if he did not think that it +was necessary to fight for her, and he replied "Yes" again. He was then +asked who in his opinion were the most suitable volunteers to come to +her aid, and he replied, "Other people." So far the story is not +appreciably different from a story that you might read anywhere. But the +version in my paper stated that he was seized by all the company present +and not only ducked in the nearest horse-pond but held under the water +for quite a long time, and then held under the water again. + +And another article--a most exciting one--described the success of a +British aviator who flew over Essen and dropped five bombs on KRUPP'S +gun factory and did irreparable damage. I forget his name, but, although +he was pursued, he got clear away and returned to the Allies' lines. +There was a fellow for you! + +So you see that I get some good reading out of my favourite paper. And +more is to come! + + * * * * * + +THE PRICE OF WAR. + + Now woe is me! My treasure, my delight, + My guerdon after many toilsome days, + Shall gladden me no more. It was a sight + To bid men gape in wonderment, and praise + My patient courage that endured despite + The gibes of friends and Delia's pitying ways. + Ah, cruel fate that forced my hand to snip + Such costly growth as graced my upper lip! + + Moustache most cherished! Not as other men + That let their lush growth riot as it will, + With just a formal waxing now and then, + Did I maintain it. Nay, with loving skill + And all the precious oils within the ken + Of cunning alchemists I strove until + Its soaring points aspired to pierce the skies, + And I was martial in my Delia's eyes. + + Great store of gold I lavished. Yea, I went + To one that works in metals and I bought + A kind of dreadful iron instrument + With leathern straps, most wonderfully wrought, + And wore that horror nightly, well content + To bear such anguish for the prize I sought. + And all this patient toil was thrown away-- + They stoned me for the KAISER yesterday! + + * * * * * + +At a time when every penny that can be spared is needed for the help of +our soldiers in the field and of our wounded, or to relieve the distress +of the Belgian refugees or our own sufferers from the War, a public +appeal is being made to the citizens of Newcastle-on-Tyne for +subscriptions to a fund for presenting a testimonial to their Lord +Mayor, on the ground that he has done his duty. We beg to offer our +respectful sympathy to the LORD MAYOR of Newcastle-on-Tyne. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Colonel of Swashbucklers._ "NAH THEN, SWANK! THE WIMMIN +CAN LOOK ARTER THEIRSELVES. YOU 'OP IT AND JINE YER REGIMENT." + + * * * * * + +A TOBACCO PLANT. + +I had done the second hole (from the vegetable-marrow frame to the +mulberry-tree) in two, and was about to proceed to the third hole by the +potting-shed when I thought I would go in and convey the glad news to +Joan. I found her seated at the table in the breakfast-room with what +appeared to be a heap of tea spread out upon a newspaper in front of +her. Little slips of torn tissue-paper littered the floor, and on a +chair by her side were several empty cardboard boxes. The sight was so +novel that I forgot the object of my errand. + +"What's all that tea for, and what are you doing with it?" I asked. + +"It isn't tea; it's tobacco," Joan replied, "and I'm making cigarettes +for the soldiers at the front." + +"Where on earth did you get that tobacco from, if it _is_ tobacco?" I +went on. + +"Let me see now," mused Joan, pausing to lick a cigarette-paper--"was it +from the greengrocer's or the butcher's? Ah! I remember. It was from the +tobacconist's." + +Joan gets like that sometimes, but I do not encourage her. + +"But what made you choose this Hottentot stuff?" I enquired. + +"The soldiers like it strong," Joan replied, "and this looked about the +strongest he'd got." + +"What does it call itself?" + +"It was anonymous when I bought it, but you'll no doubt see its name on +the bill when it comes in." + +"Thanks very much," I said. "That's what I should call forcible +fleecing. Not that I mind in a good cause----" + +"Isn't it ingenious?" interrupted Joan. "You just put the tobacco in +between the rollers, and twiddle this button round until--until you've +twiddled it round enough; then you slip in a cigarette-paper--like +that--moisten the edge of it--twiddle the button round once more--open +the lid--and shake out the finished article--_comme ça!_" + +An imperfect cylindrical object fell on to the floor. I stooped to pick +it up and the inside fell out. I collected the _débris_ in the palm of +my hand. + +"How many of these have you made?" I asked. + +"Only three thoroughly reliable ones, including _that_ one," she +replied. "I've rolled ever so many more, but the tobacco _will_ fall +out." + +"Here, let me give you a hand," I suggested. "I'll roll and you lick." + +"No," said Joan kindly but firmly. "You don't quite grasp the situation. +I want to do something. I can't make shirts or knit comforters. I've +tried and failed. My shirts look like pillow-cases, and anything more +comfortless than my comforters I couldn't imagine. I wouldn't ask a +beggar to wear an article I had made, much less an Absent-Minded +Beggar." + +"What about that tie you knitted for me last Christmas?" I said. + +"Yes," said Joan; "what about it? That's what I want to know. You +haven't worn it once." + +It was true, I hadn't. The tie in question was an attempt to hybridise +the respective colour-schemes of a tartan plaid and a Neapolitan ice. + +"That," I explained, "is because I've never had a suit which would set +it off as it deserves to be set off. However, if I can't help I won't +hinder you. I only came in to say that I had done the second hole in +two. I thought you would like to know I had beaten bogey." And I +retired, taking with me the little heap of tobacco and the hollow tube +of paper. + +When I reached the seclusion of the mulberry-tree I found that the paper +had become ungummed, so I placed the tobacco in it and succeeded after a +while in rolling it up. The result, though somewhat attenuated, was +recognisably a cigarette. I lit it, and when I had finished coughing I +came to the conclusion that if only I could induce Joan to present her +gift to the German troops instead of to our Tommies it would precipitate +our ultimate triumph. I had to eat several mulberries before I felt +capable of proceeding to the third hole. When I got there (in two) I +found it occupied by a squadron of wasps while reinforcements were +rapidly coming up from a hole beneath the shed. Being hopelessly +outnumbered I contented myself with a strategical movement necessitating +several stiff rearguard actions. + + * * * + +Joan, growing a little more proficient, had in a couple of days made 500 +cigarettes. I had undertaken to despatch them, and one morning she came +to me with a neatly-tied-up parcel. + +"Here they are," she said; "but you must ask at the Post Office how they +should be addressed. I've stuck on a label." + +I went out, taking the parcel with me, and walked straight to the +tobacconist's. + +"Please pack up 1,000 Hareems," I said, "and post them to the British +Expeditionary Force. Mark the label 'Cigarettes for the use of the +troops.' And look here, I owe you for a pound of tobacco my wife bought +the other day. I'll square up for that at the same time. By-the-by, what +tobacco was it?" + +"Well, Sir," the man replied, "I hardly like to admit it in these times, +but it was a tobacco grown in German East Africa. It really isn't fit to +smoke, and is only good for destroying wasps' nests or fumigating +greenhouses, which I thought your lady wanted it for, seeing as how she +picked it out for herself. Some ladies nowadays know as much about +tobacco as what we do." + +I left the shop hurriedly. The problem of the disposal of Joan's +well-meaning gift was now solved. I returned home and furtively stole up +the side path into the garden. Under cover of the summer-house I undid +the parcel and proceeded rapidly to strip the paper from those of the +cigarettes that had not already become hollow mockeries. When I had +collected all the tobacco I went in search of the gardener, and +encountered him returning from one of his numerous meals. + +"Wilkins," I said, "there is a wasps' nest on the third green, and here +is some special wasp-eradicator. Will you conduct the fumigation?" + +As Joan and I were walking round the garden that evening before dinner +Joan said-- + +"I don't want to blush to find it fame, but--do you know--I prefer doing +good by stealth." + +A faint but unmistakable odour was borne on the air from the direction +of the third green. + +"So do I," I said. + + * * * * * + +OUR NATIONAL GUESTS. + +My wife attributes our success (so far) in the entertainment of Belgian +Refugees solely to the fact that we have not, and never have had, a +vestige of a committee. We all work along in the jolliest possible way, +and we have no meetings, or agenda, or minutes, or co-opting of +additional members, or remitting to executives or anything of that kind. +We just bring along anything that we think will be useful. Some of us +bring clothes and others butter or umbrellas, or French books, or +razor-strops or cigarettes. Hepburn, the dairy farmer, keeps sending +cart-loads of cabbages; old Miss Mackintosh at the Brae Foot sends +threepence a week. And when we are short of anything we just stick up a +notice to that effect in the village shop. I issued a call for jam +yesterday and ever since it has rained pots and pots. We have three +large families of Belgians and we have already got to the stage where +the men are at work and the children at school--though no one really has +the least idea what they do there. + +But although I admit that it is magnificent to be without a +committee--we escaped from that by the simple plan of getting the +Belgians first and trusting to the goodwill of the Parish to take care +of them afterwards--there are other important factors in our success. +There is our extraordinary foresight--of course it was a pure fluke +really--in obtaining among them a real Belgian policeman. You can have +no idea what a fine sense of security that gives us in case anything +goes wrong. We have already enjoyed his assistance in a variety of ways, +and we have something still in reserve in the very unlikely event of his +being professionally called in--his uniform. When we put him into his +uniform the effect will be tremendous. + +Then again we have the advantage of being Scotch. I simply don't know +how English country people are going to get on at all. Here we find that +by talking with great emphasis in the very broadest Scotch--by simply +calling soap _sape_ and a church a _kirk_ you can quite frequently bring +it off and make yourself understood. I had a most exhilarating hour of +mutual lucidity with the one that makes furniture in the carpenter's +shop. It seemed to me that he called a saw a _zog_, which was surely +quite good enough; and when he referred to a hammer as a _hamer_ it +might surely be said to be equivalent to calling a spade a spade. + +Still the language difficulty remains, and the worst of it is that it +gives an altogether unfair advantage--where all are so anxious to +help--to the few select people in our neighbourhood who happen to be +able, fortuitously, to talk French. They are--(1) Dr. Anderson, whose +French is very good; (2) my wife, who is amazingly fluent in a crisis, +though her constructions simply don't bear thinking of; (3) the +school-master, who is weak; (4) the joiner, who is bad; (5) myself, who +am awful. Several of our Refugees talk French. + +Of course we all have pocket-dictionaries, but even they don't always +help us out. I found my wife once engaged in a desperate hand-to-hand +encounter with the one who does the cooking about some household +necessity that was sadly lacking. She was completely baffled. It was +pure stalemate, a deadlock. I pulled out my dictionary and suggested to +the cook (by illuminative signs) that she should look it up and point to +the English word. There was some rejoicing at this, and she at once +called upon the collective wisdom of her whole family. At last they got +it with much nodding of heads and exhibited the book, buttressed with an +eager finger at the place. And we looked and read "A young gold-finch;" +so you will see that that didn't help us much. It was only by the almost +miraculous emergence of the word _Fat_ in the course of their own +private conversation shortly afterwards that light came to us. + +That they are quite at a loss to understand the meaning of honey in the +comb did not greatly surprise us--though it was rather queer--but the +Parish is deeply distressed at their total ignorance of oatmeal. They +are quite at sea there, and so far have only employed it for baiting a +bird-trap: and that touches us closely, for the very foundation of our +being in these parts is oatmeal. Even their beautiful devotion to +vegetables of all sorts cannot, we feel, compensate for their attitude +of negation towards this very staple of existence. There is a strong +party among us bent on their conversion. We hope with all our hearts +that they will be comfortable and contented among us till the day comes +when they can return to their own country; and we feel that their exile +will not have been entirely wasted if they have learned to appreciate +the purpose fulfilled by porridge in the Divine Order of things. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: WORD PERFECT. + +_Sentry_ (_on duty for first time_). "'ALT! WHO GOES THERE? ADVANCE TO +WITHIN FIVE PACES, AND GIVE THE COUNTERSIGN 'WATERLOO.'" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +In the good old days when that royal pipsqueak, our FIRST JAMES, came to +the throne, if you were a physician of a little more than common skill +and furnished with theological opinions of a modernist complexion, or a +lonely woman with (or without) some cunning in the matter of herbs, who +cherished a peculiar (or normal) pussy-cat, you were quite likely to be +burnt out of hand. And, in her competent way, MARY JOHNSTON, in _The +Witch_ (CONSTABLE), deals with this dark blot on the escutcheon of +Christianity. Through what suffering and what joys _Dr. Aderhold_, the +kindly free-thinking mystic, and _Joan Heron_, the simple village maid, +found their ultimate and, for the times, merciful release by halter in +place of fire, readers who have nerves to spare for horror will read +with eagerness. It is indeed a dreadful story. Miss JOHNSTON is not one +of your novelists who lets herself off the contemporary document, and on +her reputation you may take it she is not far out. The grim tale serves +to show to what lengths the force of suggestion will, in times of +excitement, carry folk otherwise sober and truthful. Manifestly +preposterous evidence, freely given, was freely admitted by trained +legal minds--evidence on which innocent lives were sacrificed at the +average rate of over a thousand a month in England and Scotland in the +two centuries of the chief witch-baiting period. But, after all, have we +not, most of us, near relations who saw a quarter-of-a-million of +astrakanned Russians steal through England in the dead of an August +night? And have we not---- But I grow tedious. _The Witch_ is an +eminently readable story of adventure of the coincidental kind. + + * * * + +What I like best in the stories of Mr. W. W. JACOBS, apart from their +mere hilarity, is their triumphant vindication of the right to jest. +They spread themselves before me like a pageant representing the +graceful submission of the easy dupe. They tempt me to filch away chairs +from beneath stout and elderly gentlemen who are about to sit down. Take +the case of _Sergeant-Major Farrer_ in _Night Watches_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON). He was afraid of nothing on earth, or off it, but ghosts, +and he despised the weedy young man who was in love with his daughter. +So the weedy young man dared him to come to a haunted cottage at +midnight, and, dressed up as a spectre, terrified the soldier into +something more than a strategic retreat, with the result that he +surrendered his daughter. In real life of course it is different. I know +a colour-sergeant, and somehow I rather think that if I--but never mind. +In Mr. JACOBS' beautiful world, as it is with _Mr. Farrer_ so is it with +_Peter Russet_, with _Ginger Dick_ and with _Sam Small_. They know when +the laugh is against them, and, waiving the appeal to force or to law, +they grumble but retire. There is one exercise in the gruesome in _Night +Watches_, but it hardly shows Mr. JACOBS at his best in this particular +vein. There are also several charming illustrations by Mr. STANLEY +DAVIS, executed with a buff tint, which help to sustain the gossamer +illusion. + + * * * + +If I were a woman I should always be a little irritated with any story +which shows two women in love with the same man. Miss MAY SINCLAIR in +her new novel does not mind how much she annoys her own sex. She shows +us no fewer than three women engaged in this competition, and they are +sisters. True, there was not much choice for them in their lonely +moorland village, which contained a young doctor and no other eligible +man. Of this fellow _Rowcliffe_ we are told that "his eyes were liable +in repose to become charged with a curious and engaging pathos," an +attraction which had broken many hearts before the story opened, and +gave to their owner a great sense of confidence in himself. This set me +against him at the start, but the three sisters, as I said, were not in +a position to be fastidious. _Mary's_ love for him was of the +social-domestic kind; _Gwenda's_ was spiritual; _Alice's_ frankly +physical. Though alleged to be "as good as gold," _Alice_, the youngest +of _The Three Sisters_ (HUTCHINSON), was one of those hysterical women +who threaten to die or go mad unless they get married--a very unpleasant +fact for a young doctor to have to discuss with her sister, and for us +to read about. Indeed, if I were to tell in all its incredible crudity +the story of the relations of this gently-bred girl with the drunken +farmer who, to her knowledge, had previously betrayed her own +servant-girl, I think even Miss SINCLAIR would be revolted. Her exposure +of certain secret things which common decency agrees to leave in silence +is a treachery to her sex, not excusable on grounds of physiological +interest; and I, for one, who was loud in my praise of the fine +qualities of her great romance, _The Divine Fire_, confess to a sense of +almost personal sorrow that such high gifts as hers, which still show no +trace of decline in craftsmanship, should have suffered so much taint. I +sincerely hope that the noble work she is now doing with the Red Cross +at the front--where the best wishes of her many friends follow her--may +make more clear the claim that is laid upon her to devote her +exceptional powers as a writer to the higher issues of life and death; +or, at the least, to something cleaner and sweeter than the morbid +atmosphere of her present theme. + + * * * + +It has been my private conviction that the most depressing and +shuddersome of all natural prospects is the wide expanse of mud and +slime to be found at low water in the estuary of a tidal river. Such +scenes have always been singularly abhorrent to me. Mr. "ADRIAN ROSS" +appears to share this feeling, for out of one of them he has made the +novel and very effective setting for his bogie-tale, _The Hole of the +Pit_ (ARNOLD). It is a story of the Civil Wars, though these have less +to do with the action than the uncivil and very gruesome war waged +between the Lord of Deeping Castle and the Unseen Thing that lived in +the Pit. The Pit itself is real joy. It was covered always by the tide, +but could be distinguished by a darker shadow on the surface of the +sluggish stream, a shadow streaked at times by wavering bands of greyish +slime, strangely agitated.... There were smells, too, dank, sodden, +drowned smells that came in upon the sea mist. Moreover, Deeping Castle +I can only describe as an eligible residence for the immortal _Fat Boy_. +It was built right upon the water, within convenient distance, as the +auctioneers say, of the Pit; and between the two of them your flesh is +made to creep more than you would believe possible. As for the great +scene where the Thing finally gets out of the Pit, and comes slobbering +and sucking round the castle walls--I cannot hope to convey to you the +horror of it. Perhaps you may feel with me that Mr. Ross has been at +times a little too confident that the undoubted thrill of his bogie +would save it from being unintentionally funny. I confess I did laugh +once in the wrong place. But everywhere else I shivered with the fearful +joy that only the best in this kind can produce. + + * * * + +I remember that I have before this admired the mixture of cheerful +cynicism and dry humour that is the speciality of Mr. MAX RITTENBERG. He +has shown it again in _Every Man His Price_ (METHUEN), but hardly, I +think, to quite the same effect as formerly. My feeling about the book +was that it started with a first-class idea for a plot of comedy and +intrigue, but that the author, instead of being contented with this, +wanted to give us a novel of character-development on the grand scale, +and somewhat spoilt his work in the attempt. The earlier chapters could +hardly have been better. There was a real snap in the struggle between +the English hero, _Hilary Warde_, who had nearly perfected a system of +wireless telephony, and the Berlin magnates who wished to bluff him out +of the results. As I say, I liked these early scenes and some others +subsequently that dealt with rather sensational finance (it always +cheers me up when the hero makes half-a-million pounds in a single +chapter!) better than those that had to do with _Warde's_ domestic +entanglements and the deterioration of his character. And the climax +seemed inadequate to the point of bathos. But there is much in the tale +to enjoy; and you might read it if only for a vivid word-picture of what +Berlin used to be like before the beginning of the great _débâcle_. This +has now an interest almost historical. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Hedger._ "THERE'S AWFUL ACCOUNTS IN THIS 'ERE PAPER OF THEY +GERMANS--SEEMS THERE'S SOME PEOPLE AS DON'T 'OLD _NOTHING_ SACRED." + +Huntsman. "AH! YOU MAY SAY SO! AND IT AIN'T ONLY GERMANS. ONLY LAST +NIGHT I FOUND AS FINE A DOG-FOX AS EVER I SEE _WITH A BULLET-WOUND +THROUGH 'IS 'EART!_" + + * * * * * + +"TURKISH AMBASSADOR LEAVES BORDEAUX. + + The Turkish Ambassador left Paris yesterday on a visit to Biarritz. + He announced before leaving that he would return. This was the first + visit paid by the Turkish Ambassador for over a fortnight. He did + not see Sir Edward Grey, but had a long conference with Sir Arthur + Nicolson, Permanent Under-Secretary." + + _Edinburgh Evening News._ + +The only possible answer to this extraordinary conduct was a declaration +of war. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, November 11, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 28596-8.txt or 28596-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/5/9/28596/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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