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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+November 11, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, November 11, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 24, 2009 [EBook #28596]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOL. 147.
+
+  NOVEMBER 11, 1914.
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"In Buenos Aires and other parts of Argentina," _The Express_ tells us,
+"people are tired of the war, and a brisk trade is being done in the
+sale of buttons to be worn by the purchaser, inscribed with the words
+'_No me habla de la guerra_' ('Don't talk to me about the war')." The
+KAISER, we understand, has now sent for one of these buttons.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Crown Prince RUPPRECHT of Bavaria, in an order to his troops last
+week, referred to the British in the following words:--"Here is the
+enemy which chiefly blocks the way in the direction of restoration of
+peace." Conceive a "contemptible little army" being able to do that! It
+makes one wonder whether the first epithet was perhaps a misprint for
+"contemptuous."
+
+       * * *
+
+The Germans are now calling the Allies a Menagerie, though curiously
+enough it is the others who have a Turkey waddling after them.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to a report which reaches us the crews of the _Goeben_
+and _Breslau_ are wearing a most curious garb, being clothed in Turkish
+fezes and breaches of neutrality.
+
+       * * *
+
+    "GERMANS MOWED DOWN FRENCH MARINES' BIG FEET."
+
+    _Irish Independent._
+
+This is really a most unfortunate misprint, for it is just this kind of
+carping statement that leads the Germans to say we are falling out with
+our Allies.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is much speculation as to whether there is German blackmail behind
+the announcement that the maximum period of quarantine for imported dogs
+has been reduced from six months to four.
+
+       * * *
+
+The only animals left alive in the Antwerp Zoo are reported to be the
+elephants, which are now being used for military traction purposes.
+Later on it is proposed by the Germans to drive them into the lines of
+the Indian troops with a view to making the latter home-sick.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. ALGERNON ASHTON asks in _The Evening News_, "Why is the Poet
+Laureate so strangely silent?" Everyone else will remember Mr. BRIDGES'
+patriotic lines at the beginning of the War, and we begin to suspect
+that Mr. ASHTON'S well-known repugnance to writing for the papers has
+been extended to the reading of them.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Daily Mirror_, to signalise its eleventh birthday, produced a
+"Monster Number," yet it contained no portrait of the KAISER.
+
+       * * *
+
+Happening to meet a music-hall acquaintance we asked him how he thought
+the war was going, and he replied, "Oh, I think the managers will have
+to give in."
+
+       * * *
+
+America is evidently attempting to attract some of the devotees of
+winter sports who usually go to Switzerland. Another landslide on the
+Panama Canal is now announced.
+
+       * * *
+
+We are sorry to have to bring a charge of lack of gallantry against _The
+Leicester Mail_. We refer to the following passage in its description of
+an ovation given to Driver OSBORNE, V.C., at Derby on the 31st ult.
+After describing how, in the course of a great reception given to him by
+a large crowd at the station, two or three buxom matrons insisted upon
+embracing him, our contemporary continues: "Driver Osborne has now
+practically recovered, and reports himself for duty again at the end of
+this week."
+
+       * * *
+
+The municipality of Berlin has decided to substitute for the existing
+designations of some of the principal streets in that city the names of
+"German generals who have become famous during the present war." This,
+however, will not involve many alterations.
+
+       * * *
+
+Orders have been issued by the Federal Council of the German Empire that
+no bread other than that containing from 5 to 20 per cent. of potato
+flour will be allowed to be baked. Such bread is to be sold under the
+name of "K" bread. At first this was taken to be a graceful tribute to
+Lord KITCHENER, but it is now officially stated that "K" stands for the
+German for potatoes.
+
+       * * *
+
+The _Kölnische Zeitung_ complains that English prisoners in Germany "are
+allowed to lead the lives of Olympian Gods." Our choleric contemporary
+is evidently unaware that we are allowing German prisoners to reside in
+Olympia, which is the next best thing to Olympus.
+
+       * * *
+
+The British steamer _Remuera_ reported on reaching Plymouth last week
+that a German cruiser had attempted to trap her by means of a false
+S.O.S. signal. We ought not, we suppose, to be surprised at a low trick
+like this from the s.o.s.sidges.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is one quality that no one can with justice deny to the Germans,
+and that is thoroughness. The other day, having laid a mine, they seem
+to have used one of their own cruisers to test its destructive power.
+
+       * * *
+
+"It is noticeable," says _The Daily Mail_, "that the Kaiser's speeches
+no longer include references to God, only Frederick the Great." This
+confirms the rumours of a quarrel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE AIRSHIP MENACE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAMOUS TOWN CAPTURED BY GERMANS.
+
+    "In the south of Ypres we have lost some points, D'Appui, Hollebeke,
+    and Landvoorde."
+
+    _Worcester Daily Times._
+
+If your map doesn't give D'Appui, buy a more expensive one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Capstan Hands.--First-class Men, used to chucking work, for motor
+    vehicle parts."
+
+    _Advt. in "The Manchester Guardian."_
+
+They ought to be easy enough to get.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Guardsmen again provided a dramatic element in the trial by
+    guarding the prisoner and the door which fixed bayonets."
+
+    _Evening News._
+
+You should see our arm-chair give the salute.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE SHIRKER: A LAST APPEAL.
+
+  Now of your free choice, while the chance is yours
+    To share their glory who have gladly died
+  Shielding the honour of our island shores
+    And that fair heritage of starry pride,--
+  Now, ere another evening's shadow falls,
+          Come, for the trumpet calls.
+
+  What if to-morrow through the land there runs
+    This message for an everlasting stain?--
+  "England expected each of all her sons
+    To do his duty--but she looked in vain;
+  Now she demands, by order sharp and swift,
+          What should have been a gift."
+
+  For so it must be, if her manhood fail
+    To stand by England in her deadly need;
+  If still her wounds are but an idle tale
+    The word must issue which shall make you heed;
+  And they who left her passionate pleas unheard
+          Will _have_ to hear that word.
+
+  And, losing your free choice, you also lose
+    Your right to rank, on Memory's shining scrolls,
+  With those, your comrades, who made haste to choose
+    The willing service asked of loyal souls;
+  From all who gave such tribute of the heart
+          Your name will stand apart.
+
+  I think you cannot know what meed of shame
+    Shall be their certain portion who pursue
+  Pleasure "as usual" while their country's claim
+    Is answered only by the gallant few.
+  Come, then, betimes, and on her altar lay
+          Your sacrifice to-day!
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. VII.
+
+(_From the PRESIDENT OF THE FRENCH REPUBLIC._)
+
+_Bordeaux._
+
+Sire,--You will pardon me, I know, if for a moment I break in upon the
+serious occupations and meditations in which your time must be spent. I
+like to picture you to myself in the midst of your Staff, working out
+for them and your armies great problems of strategy and devising those
+movements which, so far, have overwhelmed not your foes so much as the
+minds of your fellow-countrymen. You too, Sire, sanguine and impetuous
+as is your nature, are no doubt beginning to realise that a great
+nation--let us say France, for example--is not to be overcome by mere
+shouting and the waving of sabres, or by the making of impassioned
+speeches in which God, having been acclaimed as an ally, is encouraged
+to perform miracles for the benefit of the Prussian arms. I do not deny
+that your soldiers are brave and that your armies are well equipped; but
+our Frenchmen too have guns and bayonets and swords and shells and know
+how to make use of them, and their portion of courage is no smaller than
+that of the Prussians, or even of the Bavarians whom you have lately
+been vaunting. Moreover--and this you had perhaps over-looked--they have
+something which is deadlier and more enduring than shot and shell and
+steel--the unconquerable spirit which leaps up in the hearts of men who
+are gathered to defend their country from invasion and their national
+existence from destruction.
+
+Oh, Sire, how little you have understood France and her people; how
+little you have understood the minds and motives of men! "France," your
+Professors and your Generals told you, "is degenerate; her population is
+smaller than ours; she has lost her skill in fighting and her courage;
+she has no culture, never having heard of TREITSCHKE and having
+neglected the inspired writings of NIETZSCHE; she will be an easy prey,
+for no one will lift a hand to help her. England is lapped in ease
+behind her ocean and will never fight again; Russia is distant and slow,
+and we can despise her; Belgium will never dare to deny us anything we
+care to ask. Let us make haste, then, and crush France to the earth for
+ever." So you planned, and your legions set out to trample us down, with
+the result that is now before the eyes of the world.
+
+Only a few words more. There is at Sampigny, in Lorraine, a modest
+country-house, which was, in fact, my home. Your troops passed through
+the place, and for no military reason that I can discover they reduced
+this house to ruins. I know that that is a small price to pay for the
+honour of being allowed to represent the French nation in this hour of
+peril and glory, and I pay it willingly. When so many are laying down
+their lives with joy why should I complain because a few walls have been
+shattered? But I am reminded and I wish to remind you of another story.
+One hundred and eight years ago, in October, the Great NAPOLEON, having
+scattered your predecessor's armies to the four winds of heaven,
+proceeded to Potsdam, where he visited the tomb of the great FREDERICK.
+They showed him the dead King's sword, his belt and his cordon of the
+Black Eagle. These Napoleon took, with the intention of sending them to
+Paris, to be presented to the _Invalides_, amongst whom there still
+lingered a few who had been defeated by FREDERICK at Rosbach. Certainly
+the relics took no shame from such a seizure and such a guardianship.
+But the palace at Potsdam was not destroyed and stands to this day. I do
+not wish to liken myself to FREDERICK, nor do I compare you with
+NAPOLEON, but I tell you the story, which is true, for what it is worth.
+I wonder if you will appreciate it?
+
+Agree, Sire, the expression of my distinguished consideration.
+
+  RAYMOND POINCARÉ.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IRON CROSS.
+
+(For German looters.)
+
+  [_In tempi barbari e più feroci
+  S' appiccavan' i ladri in sulle croci;
+  In tempi men barbari e più leggiadri
+  S' appiccano le croci in petto ai ladri._--GIUST.]
+
+  In former ferocious and barbarous times,
+  The thief was hung up on the cross for his crimes,
+  But Culture to savages offers relief--
+  The cross is now hung on the breast of the thief.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Amended and more stringent regulations concerning the lights of
+    London have been issued by Sir E. R. Henry, the Commissioner of
+    Police. A number of them are in the same terms as those which were
+    published in _The Globe_ nearly a month ago, but others make
+    important changes. For example, the third order, as originally
+    drafted, ran: 'The intensity of the inside lighting of shop fronts
+    must be reduced from 6 p.m. or earlier if the Commissioner of Police
+    on any occasion so directs', but it is now as follows:--
+
+The intensity of the inside lighting of shop fronts must be reduced
+_from 6 p.m. or earlier if the Commissioner of Police on any occasion so
+directs_."--_Globe._
+
+The italics ought to make it a lot darker.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Gifts of money for the purchase of blankets are being made in Germany
+not less than here, and we understand that a large sum has been sent out
+to South Africa addressed: "De Wet Blanket Fund."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: HIS MASTER'S VOICE.
+
+THE KAISER (_to Turkey, reassuringly_). "LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME. ALL
+YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS TO EXPLODE."
+
+TURKEY. "YES, I QUITE SEE THAT. BUT WHERE SHALL _I_ BE WHEN IT'S ALL
+OVER?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Talkative Passenger._ "I SEE THAT THE YOUNG EARL OF
+HARBORO' HAS JUST DONE A VERY PLUCKY ACT AT THE FRONT."
+
+_Rabid Socialist_ (_indignantly_). "WELL, SO HE OUGHT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MISUSED TALENT.
+
+(_A mild apostrophe to the young man next door._)
+
+  Augustus! ever prone at eve to gurgle a
+    Melodious distych from the music-halls,
+  Piping in summer from beneath a pergola,
+    Piping to-day behind these party-walls,
+  Three months ago and more, when Mars had thrust us
+    In doubt and dread alarm and cannons' mist,
+  I found one solace, for I mused, "Augustus
+          Will probably enlist.
+
+  "I know not what his dreams of glory may be,
+    I know not if his heart is full of grit,
+  But I do know that he disturbs the baby,
+    And, judging by his lungs, he must be fit;
+  His is the frame, or else I've never seen one,
+    His are the fitting years to fight and roam,
+  He has no ties (except that pink and green one)
+          To tether him to home.
+
+  "When he returns he'll possibly be sager;
+    If not (for glory of his long campaign)
+  We shall be thrilled to hear the sergeant-major
+    Singing the good old songs he loved again;
+  Bellona, too, has something of the witch in her;
+    It may be he will learn more tact and grace
+  When that mild tenor has been turned by KITCHENER
+          Into a throaty bass."
+
+  Thus jestingly I dreamed. And now, Caruso,
+    You have not budged one inch upon the road;
+  While half the lads have got their khaki trousseau,
+    You still retain that voice and nut-like mode;
+  Peace holds you with the tightness of a grapnel,
+    And, still adhering to her ample hem,
+  You enfilade us with your tuney shrapnel
+          From 9 to 12 P.M.
+
+  So here's my ultimatum. Though it loosens
+    The kindly bonds that neighbours ought to keep,
+  I'll take a summons out to curb the nuisance
+    Unless you stop it. Can I laugh or weep
+  For those who fling their challenge at the blighting gale,
+    Who smile to hear the cannon's murderous croon,
+  When you go on like a confounded nightingale
+          Under a fat-faced moon?
+
+  The streets are darkened now that once were ringing
+    Through all the lamp-lit hours with festal fuss,
+  And songs are changed, and so's the time for singing,
+    But I'd be greatly pleased to hear you, Gus,
+  Out in the road there, watched by Anns and Maries,
+    Op'ning your throttle to the mid-day light;
+  Fate gave it you to prove that Tipperary's
+          A long way off. _Left--Right!_
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We commend _The Pioneer_ to the notice of our evening contemporaries.
+Its "Extraordinary War Special"--price, one anna--consists of the
+following:--
+
+    "No Reuter received since 8.30 a.m."
+
+A more enterprising paper, such as _The_ ---- or _The_ ----[_censored_]
+would have provided some new headlines from yesterday's news.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOMMY BROWN, PATRIOT.
+
+II.
+
+Tommy Brown has already been in disgrace, although it is only a
+fortnight since he wrote the famous patriotic essay which determined Mr.
+Smith, his Form-master, to go to the Front. You see, Miss Price, who is
+deputising for Mr. Smith, does not like lizards, and has an especial
+aversion to white rats, whereas Tommy is very fond of these and other
+dumb animals.
+
+So Tommy was reported to the Headmaster. At first the Headmaster thought
+that the application of "somewhat severe measures, my boy," would meet
+the case; but whoever heard of caning a curly-headed boy with blue eyes
+and an ink-stain on both lips? The interview took place in the
+Headmaster's study. To the question, "What do you mean, Sir, by bringing
+lizards and white rats to school?" Tommy said, "Yes, Sir," and then,
+after thinking for fully three seconds, he said he had a ferret at home,
+and did the Headmaster know how to hold a ferret so that it couldn't
+bite you?
+
+It seems that ferrets, if they once get hold of your thumb, never let
+go--_not never_--and that you have to force their jaws open with a
+penholder; also ferrets exhibit a marked preference for thumbs. All this
+information Tommy conveyed without drawing a breath. The Headmaster
+said, "Quite so, my boy, quite so. But don't you know it is extremely
+reprehensible conduct to bring animals to school in your pocket?" Well,
+you see, that is how Tommy's mother talks to him, so he knew what to do,
+and, looking up into the Headmaster's face with that wistful look of
+his, he imparted the deep secret that he had a tortoise.
+
+Tortoises, the Headmaster learnt, had a way of getting lost among the
+cabbages, but, if you wanted to prevent them from straying, all you had
+to do was to turn them over on their backs and put a piece of brown
+paper over them for their feet to play with. Also they were stuck fast
+in their shells, because Tommy had tried. A boy had told Tommy that
+tortoises laid eggs, but although Tommy had showed his tortoise a hen's
+egg and then put the tortoise in a nice new nest the tortoise had taken
+no step in the matter.
+
+However, Tommy promised never to bring any more animals to school and to
+express his sorrow to Miss Price. And he was richer by sixpence when the
+interview closed.
+
+At parting, Tommy offered to lend the Headmaster his tortoise for a
+week, and told him that, if he stood for a whole hour on its back, it
+wouldn't hurt it, because Tommy had trained it; also it never crawled
+out of your pocket.
+
+Tommy apologised to Miss Price for bringing the white rats to
+school--they weren't white rats really, not to look at; they were rather
+piebald through constant association with ink. Also he brought an apple
+and showed her how, by holding it a certain way whilst eating it, she
+would miss the bad part. In further sign of amity he showed her his
+knife, and especially that instrument in it which was used for removing
+stones from horses' hoofs. Not that Tommy had removed many stones from
+horses' hoofs, not very many, but if you had a tooth that was loose it
+was very helpful. Miss Price gave him a new threepenny bit, and Tommy
+tried hard to please her in arithmetic by reducing inches to pounds,
+shillings and pence.
+
+With nine-pence in his pocket Tommy felt uneasy. It was a question
+between a lop-eared rabbit and a mouth-organ. A lop-eared rabbit, that
+is to say a proper one, cost two shillings; for nine-pence it was
+probable that you could only get a rabbit which would lop with one ear.
+
+Besides, a lop-eared rabbit meant a hutch, and he had already used the
+cover of his mother's sewing-machine for the piebald rats.
+
+On the other hand, you could get a mouth-organ with a bell on it for
+nine-pence; he knew.
+
+It was a splendid instrument!
+
+Tommy took it to bed with him and put it under his pillow, and when his
+mother came to see that he was all right at night his hand was clutched
+round it as he slept content.
+
+The next day Tommy gave an organ recital in the playground before a
+large and enthusiastic audience. For a marble he would let you blow it
+while he held it. For two marbles you could hold it yourself.
+
+One boy paid the two marbles, and noticed the words "Made in Germany" in
+small letters on the under side. The silence that followed the
+announcement of this discovery was broken only by the sound of Jones
+minor biting an apple. All eyes were on Tommy Brown. For the fraction of
+a second he hesitated, and in that fraction Brook tertius giggled.
+
+Tommy seized the mouth-organ with a determination that was almost
+ferocious; he threw it on the ground, stamped on it with his heel again
+and again, and finally took and pitched it into a neighbouring garden.
+He then fell upon Brook tertius and punched him until he howled.
+
+Before Tommy Brown could go to sleep that night his mother had to sit by
+his bed-side and hold his hand; he never released her hand until he was
+fast asleep. How like his father (the V.C.) he looked! She wondered what
+made him toss so in his sleep and what had become of his mouth-organ
+with the bell on it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: HOW TO BRING UP A HUN. THE TEUTONIC SUBSTITUTE FOR MILK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "FRENCH PRESIDENT AT THE FONT."
+
+    _Leicester Daily Mercury._
+
+Where he received his baptism of fire?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "German infantry on the morning of the 5th ventured an assault and
+    were repulsed by blithering fire."--_Pioneer._
+
+Some of their Professors should be able to do good work in the
+blithering line.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Reuter's agency learns that according to an official telegram
+    received in London Turkish vessels have entered the open port of
+    Odessa and bombarded Russian ships.
+
+    6 to 1 agst Cheerful, 7 to 1 agst Flippant."
+
+    _South Wales Echo._
+
+Not at all; we remain both.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: WHAT OUR TAILOR HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+_Scene I._ A PERFECT FIT.        _Scene II._ AFTER A WEEK'S DRILL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEGBIE REBUKED.
+
+Fleet Street was thrilled to the depths of its deepest inkpot last week
+when it read in _The Daily Chronicle_ of the historic meeting between
+Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE and Mr. W. J. BRYAN in New York. The sensation was
+caused not so much by the announcement that Mr. BRYAN "has the long
+mouth of the orator, the lips swelling and protruding as he speaks,
+thinning and compressing when he is silent," or that "the full and heavy
+neck, which seems to be part of the face, is corded with muscles,"
+although either of those statements is startling enough. Nor was it Mr.
+BEGBIE'S struggle to decide whether he should devote his attention to
+the great statesman or to the railway station in which they met, the
+statesman being selected only just in time. No, what nearly stopped the
+clock of St. Bride's church was this paragraph in Mr. BEGBIE'S record of
+the event: "At this point I asked quite innocently, and with a real
+desire for information, an obvious but indiscreet question, which Mr.
+BRYAN rebuked me for asking, reminding me that he was a member of the
+Government."
+
+What a subject for an Academy painting in oils! Or, if MILTON had been
+living at this hour, how he would have immortalised the touching scene!
+
+A desire to present to our readers some fuller details of this
+world-staggering event prompted us to cable to a few correspondents in
+New York. One cables back: "The scene was dramatic in the extreme. The
+journalist, his big blue eyes brimming with innocence, gently breathed
+his question, when the great statesman shook his shaggy mane and roared
+out his rebuke like a lion in pain. The journalist's apologetic gesture
+was one of the most delicate things I have ever seen."
+
+Another tells us:--"When Mr. BEGBIE put his question so great a
+stillness reigned throughout the crowded railway station that you could
+have heard a goods-train shunt." Mr. BRYAN looked long and earnestly at
+the journalist, then, placing his hand affectionately on his shoulder,
+he said to him in a throbbing voice, "Oh, HAROLD, how can you?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE INCORRIGIBLES."
+
+"The enemy made attacks, but each effort was repulsed with great
+laughter."--_Star._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One recalls in this connection the statement made by Alexander the
+    Great, that Napoleon's invasion of Russia was defeated not by the
+    Cossacks, but by Generals January and February."--_Stock Exchange
+    Gazette._
+
+This reminds us of CÆSAR'S comment on the sack of
+Louvain:--"_Magnificens est, sed non bellum._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WIRELESS.
+
+  There sits a little demon
+    Above the Admiralty,
+  To take the news of seamen
+    Seafaring on the sea;
+  So all the folk aboard-ships
+    Five hundred miles away
+  Can pitch it to their Lordships
+    At any time of day.
+
+  The cruisers prowl observant;
+    Their crackling whispers go;
+  The demon says, "Your servant,"
+    And lets their Lordships know;
+  A fog's come down off Flanders?
+    A something showed off Wick?
+  The captains and commanders
+    Can speak their Lordships quick.
+
+  The demon sits a-waking;
+    Look up above Whitehall--
+  E'en now, mayhap, he's taking
+    The Greatest Word of all;
+  From smiling folk aboard-ships
+    He ticks it off the reel:--
+  "An' may it please your Lordships,
+    A Fleet's put out o' Kiel!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Much indecision prevails as to what the value of sultanas will be
+    in the near future."
+
+    _Daily Telegraph._
+
+What the Germans want to know is the price of Sultans.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
+
+WAR GOSSIP.
+
+_Park Lane._
+
+Dearest Daphne,--The situation here is unchanged, though we have made
+some progress in knitting. Forgive me, _m'amie_, but one does get so
+much into the _despatch_ habit! The other day I'd a letter from Babs, in
+which she told me she'd "nothing fresh to report on her right wing"
+before she pulled herself together.
+
+Norty's at the front as a flying-man. He's finding out all sorts of
+things, dropping bombs on Zeppelins and covering himself with glory. I
+had a few lines from him last week. He dated from "A place in Europe"
+(they have to be _enormously_ cautious!), and said he was having the
+time of his life. He was immensely pleased with the last letter I
+managed to get through to him, and was particularly struck, he says,
+with my advice to him: "Find out all you can, and above all don't get
+caught;" he considers it simply _invaluable_ advice and says all airmen
+ought to have it written up in letters of gold somewhere or other.
+
+Stella Clackmannan's had a fortnight's training as a nurse and is off. I
+ran in to see the dear thing the night before she left. She'd been
+posing to a photographer in her Red Cross uniform for _hours_ and
+_hours_ and was almost in a state of _collapse_; but the heroic darling
+said she was ready to do even _more than that_ for her country. In one
+photo she's sitting by a cot with her hands folded, looking sad but
+_very_ sweet. In another she's standing up, singing, "It's a long way to
+Tipperary;" and in a third she's bandaging someone (she had one of the
+foot-men in for this photo), and, _à mon avis_, it's the least
+successful of all. She appears to be _choking_ the poor man! However,
+they're immensely charming, and will all be seen in the "Aristocratic
+Angels of Mercy" page of next week's _People of Position_.
+
+Dear Professor Dimsdale has only just got back to England from his
+eclipse expedition. I'm not sure now whether it was an eclipse or an
+occultation, but anyhow the only place where it could be properly seen
+was a mountain in the Austrian Tyrol. It was due in the middle of
+August, and the last week in July the Professor set off with his big
+telescope and his lenses and his assistants and his note-books and
+everything that was his. He lived a week or two on the mountain, to get
+used to the atmosphere and prepare all his things, so he didn't know
+what was going on in the world below. And then, just as the eclipse or
+whatever it was _began_, and the Professor was looking up at the sky for
+all he was worth, a lot of fearful creatures came rushing up the
+mountain and said there was a war and that he was an alien enemy and
+that he was making signals and that his big telescope was a new sort of
+howitzer; and they pushed him down the mountain, and broke his telescope
+and all his lenses, and tore up his note-books, and shook their fists at
+him and used such language that he said for the first time in his life
+he was sorry he was such a good linguist!
+
+They finished by shutting him up in a fortress, and there he's been ever
+since. He hardly knows how it was he got away, but he believes the whole
+garrison was marched off to meet the Russians, and that they're all
+prisoners now--which is his only drop of comfort. I've tried to console
+him for having missed what he went to see. I said, "Perhaps the eclipse
+or whatever it was will happen again soon--or one like it." He groaned
+out, "My dear lady, that particular conjunction of the heavenly bodies
+will not occur again for 2,645 years, 9 months, 3 weeks and 2 days." So
+there it is, my dearest!
+
+Would it cheer you up to hear a small romance of war and knitting? Here
+it is, then. Some time ago Monica Jermyn brought round some terrific
+mitts she'd knitted to go in one of my parcels for the troops. She's
+easily the worst knitter who ever held needles! "My _dear_ child," I
+said, "what simply ghastly mitts! They're full of mistakes." "What's it
+matter?" Monica answered. "Mistakes will keep them quite as warm as the
+right stitches. Besides, they're all right. I knit ever so much better
+now than when I used to make socks for the Deep Sea Fisherman last
+year." "That's not saying much," I said. "I remember those socks for the
+Deep Sea Fishermen, and I doubt whether even the _deepest_ sea fishermen
+would know how to put them on! What's this?" "It's a message to go with
+the mitts," replied Monica. This was the message:--"The girl who made
+these mitts hopes they will be a comfort to some dear brave hands
+fighting for her and her sisters in England." "Oh, my _dear_!" I
+remonstrated. "It's very _young_ and _romantic_ of you, but don't you
+think it's _just_ a little----" "No, I don't!" she cried. "And if it is,
+I don't care. Please, please let it go!" So it went.
+
+Soon after that the Jermyns went down to their place in Sussex, and
+later I heard they'd some convalescent war heroes as guests. Monica
+wrote me: "All six of them are dear brave darlings, of course, but _one_
+of them is _darlinger_ than the others. Tell it not in Gath, dear
+Blanche, but I think I've met my fate!" Later she wrote: "He's getting
+on splendidly. He turns out to be a cousin of the Flummerys. He
+performed _prodigies_ of valour, but won't say a _word_ about it. When
+he leaves us my heart will quite, _quite_ break--and I sometimes hope
+_his_ will too!"
+
+Yesterday came the following:--"Claude and I belong to each other. And
+what, oh _what_ do you think helped to lead up to the dear, delicious
+finale? But wait. My hero is almost quite well now, and this morning,
+when we took what would have been our _last_ little walk in the grounds,
+it happened! He walks _beautifully_ now, though he still needs an arm at
+about the level of _mine_ to lean on. It was a chilly morning and, as I
+was looking down and trying to think of something to say, I gave a
+sudden shriek, for on his dear heroic wrists I recognised--_My Mitts_!
+And when he heard I'd made them he was just as _confondu_ as I was.
+'They were in a bale of comfies sent to my company,' he said, 'and I had
+the ladling out of them to the men. But when I came to these mitts, with
+the sweet little message pinned to them, I simply couldn't part with
+them! And to think _you_ made them--and wrote the little message! It
+makes one believe in all those psychic what-d'-you-call-'ems.'
+
+"I felt a crisis was coming and so I said hurriedly, 'Oh, I only wish
+they were worthier of--of--brave hands and wrists. I'm a wretched
+knitter--they're full of mistakes--I kept forgetting to keep to the
+pattern--it ought to have been, "_knit_ two together and _make_
+one"--but of course you don't understand knitting.' 'I understand it
+right enough if _that's_ all there is to it,' he said. "Knit two
+together and make one." Monica--no, you mustn't run away----' And
+that's all you're going to be told, Blanche, except that the powers that
+be have given their consent and I'm too happy for words!"
+
+_Et voilà mon petit roman de guerre et de tricotage._
+
+My poor Josiah is still at the uttermost edge of beyond. He began to
+come home, and the boat was chased and ran to an island for shelter, and
+then the island was taken by one of our enemies and he was a prisoner.
+Then it was retaken by one of the Allies and he was free again. Since
+then more things have happened and he's been a prisoner again, and free
+again. And now he's lost count, and says he doesn't know _what_ he is or
+_who's_ got the island!
+
+Ever thine,
+
+BLANCHE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Cyclist._ "MANY RECRUITS GONE FROM THIS VILLAGE?"
+
+_Shopkeeper._ "NO, SIR."
+
+_Cyclist._ "OH, WHY'S THAT?"
+
+_Shopkeeper._ "WELL, SIR, AFTER GOING CAREFULLY INTO THE MATTER, WE, IN
+THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD, DECIDED TO REMAIN ABSOLUTELY NEUTRAL."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FATHER WILHELM.
+
+  "You are bold, Father WILHELM," the young man said;
+    "Your moustache, too, is fiercer than mine;
+  But I'm tempted to ask by the size of your head,
+    Do you really suppose you're divine?"
+
+  "In my youth," said his father, "you probably know
+    That I held the most orthodox views;
+  But since I have hypnotized HARNACK and CO.
+    I simply believe what I choose."
+
+  "You are bold," said the youth, "as I've mentioned before,
+    Yet you frequently talk through your hat;
+  For you told us the English were worthless in war;
+    Pray what was the reason of that?"
+
+  "In my earlier days," said his sire, "through and through
+    I studied that decadent race,
+  And in failing to prove that my forecast was true
+    They have covered themselves with disgrace."
+
+  "You are bold," said the youth, "and the Nietzschean creed
+    Cries, 'Down with the humble and meek;'
+  Yet the sack of Louvain made your bosom to bleed;
+    Why were you so painfully weak?"
+
+  "In my youth," said his father, "I studied the Arts
+    With a zeal that no force could restrain;
+  And the love of mankind which that study imparts
+    Has made me unduly humane."
+
+  "You _were_ bold," said the youth, "but it seems to be clear
+    That you're losing your grit and your fire;
+  And, if I may whisper the hint in your ear,
+    Don't you think that you ought to retire?"
+
+  "I've answered three questions," the KAISER replied,
+    "That might baffle the wit of a ZANCIG;
+  I'm tired of your talk and I'm sick of your 'side':
+    Be off, or I'll send you to Danzig."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY OF THE TURK.
+
+  The position of Turkey is muddled and murky,
+    But the course she's resolved to pursue
+  Is true to her mind, which we constantly find
+     _À l'Enver(s) et contre tous._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Hun and the Tartar stand together--_par mobile patrum_."
+
+    _Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+We cannot speak with equal confidence of the head of the Tartars, but
+the KAISER certainly makes a very mobile parent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Cavalry Instructor_ (_to nervous Recruit_). "NOW THEN;
+NONE O' THEM COSSACK STUNTS 'ERE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+VII.
+
+Dear Charles,--We haven't gone yet. Upon my word, we don't know what to
+do about it. We start off for the Continent and then we halt and ask
+ourselves, "Won't they be wanting us to go to Egypt and have a word with
+the enemy there?" So we come back and change our underclothes and start
+out again; but we haven't got far before a persistent subaltern starts a
+scare about invasions. At that we halt again and have a pow-wow. Thick
+underclothes for the Continent; thin underclothes for Egypt, but what
+underclothes for home defence? And that, old man, is the real difficulty
+about war: what clothes are you to make it in? Our official programme
+is, however, clearly defined now. It is this: We sail on or
+about ---- to ----, and thence to ----, pausing for a cup of tea at ----.
+We then change direction left and turn down by the butcher's shop and up
+past the post-office. Here we form fours, form two deep, slope arms,
+order arms, present arms, trail arms, ground arms, take up arms, pile
+arms, unpile arms, move to the right in fours, by the left, left wheel.
+The essence of these manoeuvres is that they make it impossible for
+even the most acute enemy to guess which is our real direction. He
+gathers that it is one of two things: it is either right or, failing
+that, left. But which? Ah, that is the secret! Sometimes I am in some
+doubt myself after having given the order.
+
+Our musical _repertoire_ is extensive, and, I venture to think, very
+aptly and poetically expresses the feelings of soldiers in the several
+aspects of military life. Their deep-seated respect for ceremonial is
+expressed thus, to the _Faust_ airs:--
+
+  "All soldiers live on bread and jam;
+  All soldiers eat it instead o' ham.
+  And every morning we hear the Colonel say,
+  'Form fours! Eyes right! Jam for dinner to-day!'"
+
+His heart's sorrow upon leaving his fatherland is rendered exactly
+thus:--
+
+  "The ship is now in motion;
+  We're going to cross the Ocean.
+      Good bye-er!
+      Fare-well-er!
+  Farewell for ever-mo-er!"
+
+And lastly his deep concern for his country's and his own and
+everybody's welfare is thus put:--
+
+  "I don't care if the ship goes down,
+    It doesn't belong to me."
+
+We had a Divisional Field Day yesterday. Recollecting a previous
+experience, the G.O.C. sent for his three Brigadiers, when the division
+was assembled for action, and, it seems, said to them, "There must be
+less noise." The Brigadiers, returning to the field, called out each his
+four battalion-commanders and said to them, distinctly, "There must be
+less noise." The twelve battalion-commanders called out each his eight
+company-commanders, who called out each his four section-commanders, and
+in every instance was repeated, quite audibly, the same utterance,
+"There must be less noise." Three hundred and eighty-four
+section-commanders were engaged in impressing this order, with all the
+emphasis it deserved, upon the men, when the General rode on to the
+field. His anger was extreme. "THERE MUST BE LESS NOISE!" said he.
+
+Yours ever,
+
+Henry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Press also avoids very carefully all discussion of the status
+    of the Goeben and the Breslau. Practically the only reference to the
+    subject is a remark in the _Frankfurter Zeitung_ that Turkey has
+    alone to decide what ships are to fly under her flag."--_Times._
+
+If Turkey decides that the _Goeben_ is to fly, we hope she will warn the
+man who works the searchlights at Charing Cross.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A GLORIOUS EXAMPLE.
+
+ABLE-BODIED CIVILIAN (_to Territorial_). "THAT OUGHT TO GIVE YOU A GOOD
+LEAD, MATE."
+
+TERRITORIAL. "YES--AND I MEAN TO TAKE IT! WHAT ABOUT _YOU_?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A PRUSSIAN COURT-PAINTER EARNING AN IRON CROSS BY
+PAINTING PICTURES IN PRAISE OF THE FATHERLAND FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CHARLIE" BERESFORD.
+
+By TOBY, M.P.
+
+"LORD CHARLES has broken his chest-bone--a piece of which was cut out in
+his boyhood leaving a cavity--his pelvis, right leg, right hand, foot,
+five ribs, one collar-bone three times, the other once, his nose three
+times." Thus Mr. COPE CORNFORD in one of the notes with which he
+illuminates the _Memoirs of Admiral Lord Charles Beresford_, published
+by Messrs. METHUEN in two volumes, illustrated with a score of plates,
+the portrait of Lady CHARLES adding the charm of rare beauty to the
+collection.
+
+For many years I have been honoured by the friendship of Lord CHARLES,
+and have had frequent opportunity of witnessing his multiform supremacy.
+Till I read this amazing catalogue of calamities, I never dreamt that
+among other claims to distinction he might have been billed as The
+Fractured Man, principal attraction in a travelling show, eclipsing the
+One-Legged Camel, the Tinted Zebra, and the Weird-Eyed Wanton from the
+Crusty North, who can sing in five languages "It's a Long, Long Way to
+Tipperary." Ignoring the monotony of experience suffered by the ribs,
+and noting the obtrusiveness of one collar-bone, we may, with slight
+variation from a formula in use by the SPEAKER in the House of Commons,
+declare "The Nose has it." Happily no one regarding Lord CHARLES'S
+cheery countenance would guess that its most prominent feature had been
+"broken three times."
+
+Here is a man whose life should be written. Fortunately the task has
+been undertaken by Lord CHARLES himself, and the world is richer by a
+book which, instructive in many ways, valuable as throwing side-lights
+on the slow advance of the Navy to the proud position which it holds
+to-day on the North Sea, bubbles over with humour.
+
+Record opens in the year 1859, when Lord CHARLES entered the Navy,
+closing just half-a-century later, when he hauled down his flag and
+permanently came ashore. Within the space of fifty years there is
+crammed a life of adventure richly varied in range. A man of exuberant
+individuality, which has occasional tendency to obscure supreme
+capacity, of fearless courage, gifted with a combination of wit and
+humour, Lord CHARLES is the handy-man to whom in emergency everyone
+looked not only for counsel but for help. It is a paradox, but a
+probability, that had he been duller-witted, a more ponderous person, he
+would have carried more weight alike in the councils of the Admiralty at
+Whitehall and of the nation at Westminster.
+
+As these memoirs testify, behind a smiling countenance he hides an
+unbending resolution to serve the public interest, whether aboard ship
+or in his place in Parliament. Perhaps the most familiar incident in his
+professional career is his exploit during the bombardment of Alexandria,
+when the signal flashed from the flag-ship, "Well done, _Condor_." A
+more substantial service was his command of what he describes as "the
+penny steamer" _Safieh_, whose manoeuvring on the Nile amid desperate
+circumstances averted from Sir CHARLES WILSON'S desert column, hastening
+to the rescue of GORDON, the fate which earlier had befallen STEWART.
+
+Another splendid piece of work was accomplished when, after the
+bombardment of Alexandria he was appointed Provost-Marshal and Chief of
+Police, and had committed to his charge the task of restoring order. His
+conspicuous success on this occasion bore fruit many years later when he
+was offered the post of Chief Commissioner of Police in the Metropolis.
+His story of the Egyptian and Soudan Wars, carried through several
+chapters, is a valuable contribution to history. It suggests that, all
+other avenues to fame closed against him, Lord CHARLES would have made
+an enduring name as a war correspondent.
+
+It is a circumstance incredible, save in view of the authority upon
+which it is stated, that, as part of the reward for his splendid service
+in the Soudan, Lord CHARLES narrowly escaped compulsory retirement from
+the Service before he had completed the time required to qualify for
+Flag Rank. The Queen's Regulations ordained that before a captain could
+win this prized position he must have completed a period of from five to
+six years of active service. In 1892, Lord CHARLES, the flag almost in
+reach of his hand, applied for permission to count-in the 315 days he
+was strenuously and brilliantly at work in the Soudan. The Board of
+Admiralty, invulnerable in their environment of red tape, refused the
+request, repeating the _non possumus_ when on two subsequent occasions
+the request was preferred.
+
+It must be admitted that the Board had no reason to regard Lord CHARLES
+with favour or even with equanimity. When returned to Parliament, the
+man who had superintended the mending of the boiler on the penny
+steamboat on the Nile, devoted himself to the bigger task of mending the
+Navy, at that time in an equally pitiful condition. During his brief and
+solitary term of office as Junior Lord of the Admiralty, Lord CHARLES,
+who thought he was put there to do some work, drew up a memorandum on
+the necessity of creating at the Admiralty a Naval Intelligence
+Department. The memorandum was laid before the Board, and the Junior
+Lord was told he was meddling with high matters that did not come within
+the scope of his business. A few weeks later a Naval Intelligence
+Department (of a sort) was created. _Sic vos non vobis._
+
+'Twas ever thus. Lord CHARLES, whether in office, on active service, or
+from his familiar place above the Gangway in the House of Commons,
+bringing to bear upon Naval affairs the gift of keen intuition and the
+endowment of long practical experience, has, with one exception, done
+more than any man living to deliver the Navy from mistakes inevitable in
+the case of the over-lordship of a civilian who is subject to currents
+of political and party feeling. By way of reward he has received more
+kicks than ha'pence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: GERMANISED TURKEY.
+
+"DERE YOU ARE, MEIN FRIENDT; DER SAME OLD FLAG MIT A _LEEDLE_
+DIFFERENCE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER RUINED TRADE.
+
+I had secured an empty compartment. Something in my blood makes me rush
+for an empty compartment. I suppose it is because I am a Briton, yet it
+was another Briton who intruded upon my privacy.
+
+At the first glance I saw that he would talk to me about the--well, what
+do you expect? I can always tell when men want to talk about it. Would
+that I had the same subtle instinct when they wish to borrow money! I
+was ready for him. If he said, "Have you heard?" I was going to answer,
+"About the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR ordering Lord FISHER to be
+imprisoned in the Tower as a spy? Why, my brother-in-law told me all
+about it last week."
+
+Instead he put his hand on my knee and asked, "Are you a German?"
+
+"Unless I am descended from HENGIST or HORSA," I replied, "there isn't
+an atom of culture in me."
+
+"Then I can confide in you. A disturbance is advancing in this direction
+from Eastern Europe."
+
+"You mean that the CROWN PRINCE is retreating towards us from Poland?"
+
+"No," he snapped. "And another disturbance is coming from the vicinity
+of Iceland."
+
+"Good heavens! This is too much. At my time of life how am I to learn
+how to pronounce Pzreykjavik."
+
+"Let me tell you what I prophesy for the next few days. Saturday will be
+bright."
+
+"Splendid! A cheerful week-end will do us all good."
+
+"Sunday will be gloomy, and on Monday will come the downfall."
+
+"WILLIAM'S or ours?"
+
+"Accompanied by strong south-westerly winds, rising to a gale, and a
+rapid fall of the barometer. So now you know. My mind is easy. I have
+told someone. I have been cruelly censored--only allowed to predict just
+wet or fine from day to day. I felt that I must tell someone. The Censor
+and Count ZEPPELIN between them were killing me."
+
+I pitied the agony of the professional weather forecaster. I promised to
+respect his confidence. I left the carriage proud of the fact that I was
+one of the two men in England who knew what Saturday's weather would be.
+That is why I left my umbrella at home while apparently every other man
+took his out. It is also the reason why my new topper was ruined. And
+now I wonder whether the prophet was mistaken, or whether at the last
+moment he detected signs of culture in me and lied.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an Indian paper:--
+
+    "The Germans are continuing the questionable tactics of sowing
+    floating mines in neutral waters to the danger of neutral shipping,
+    as well as of British and French war vessels. They are apparently
+    tying them in Paris, so as to make it more difficult to avoid them."
+
+As a result, the _Iron Duke_ has had to give up entirely its morning run
+down the Rue de Rivoli. At the same time we are glad to hear that these
+floating mines are tied. It stops them from floating quite so much.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE WINGS.
+
+(NOTE: _If this essay in the well-informed manner achieves any success,
+the credit is largely due to the timely interruptions of the Censor._)
+
+Few people, I think, realise the tremendous significance of waterproof
+overalls in a war like the present. I was talking to one of our most
+prominent Midland manufacturers at Sheringham the other day and he
+remarked confidentially [passage deleted by the Censor] at fifteen per
+cent. reduction to our soldiers for spot cash.
+
+       * * *
+
+Which reminds me of a stifling Malta afternoon, when I first saw the
+good ship _Sheringham_ steam slowly up through the haze of Sliema Creek.
+It was in the early days of the Navy's grey-paint era. The change was a
+drastic one, as all service-men admitted. And why grey? I make no secret
+of the fact that I have always advocated ultramarine for the
+Mediterranean station; but the Grey Water School, you know--well, there,
+I must not be indiscreet.
+
+       * * *
+
+Life on a cruiser may be the tally for some, but give me the nimble
+t.b.d.! There you have none of "the great monotony of sea" which drove
+W.M.T. to his five meals a day. Nothing but the charming _fraternité_ of
+the ward-room, the delightful inconsequences of the chart-house kitten,
+and the throb of the oil-fed turbine! Unless I am greatly mistaken
+[passage deleted by the Censor--which shows that I wasn't].
+
+       * * *
+
+I was dining the other evening at the Buckingham Palace with a friend
+who is well known in Foreign Office circles. The conversation turned,
+naturally enough, on the dangers in our midst from foreign waiters. The
+English waiter who was attending us happened at the moment to dislodge
+with his elbow a wine-list which, in falling, decanted a quantity of
+Sauterne into the lap of my _vis-à-vis_, who remarked [passage deleted
+by the Censor].
+
+       * * *
+
+I learn from reliable sources that one wing of our "contemptible little
+army" is resting upon ----. Dear old ----! How often have I wandered down
+your sleepy little High Street to the _épicerie_ of our lively old
+_Thérèse_! But that was in the old days, before the black arts of
+Kaiserism transformed the peace of yesterday into the Armageddon of
+to-day. Next week I shall deal more intimately with life behind the
+scenes in German frontier towns; but you must wait with what patience
+you can for these further confidences.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "NO, SIR, THEY WOULDN'T TAKE OUR FRED, 'COS THEY SAID
+HE'D A-GOT BELLICOSE VEINS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREY GIBBONS.
+
+  With fingers too canny to bungle,
+    With footsteps too cunning to swerve,
+  They swing through the heights of the jungle,
+    These stalwarts of infinite nerve;
+  Blithe sailors who heed not the breezes
+    Which play round their riggings and spars,
+  Lithe gymnasts who live on trapezes
+        And parallel bars.
+
+  In ballrooms of plantain and mango
+    They scamper, they slither and slide
+  In the throes of a tropical tango,
+    In the grip of a Gibbony glide;
+  'Tis thus in these desolate spaces,
+    Away from humanity's ken,
+  They mimic the civilised races
+        And strive to be men.
+
+  As the grey little acrobats patter
+    O'er creepers of myriad shapes,
+  They mouth not the meaningless chatter
+    Of dull and demoralised apes;
+  But, proud of their portion as creatures
+    Who know not the stigma of tails,
+  They screw up their weather-worn features
+        And practise their scales.
+
+  And oft in this primitive Eden
+    When I study some antic that hints
+  At the physical fitness of Sweden,
+    The speed of American sprints,
+  I dream of the wreaths and the ribbons
+    Their prowess would certainly win,
+  If there weren't any war, and my gibbons
+       Could go to Berlin.
+
+  J. M. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY FAVOURITE PAPER.
+
+BY A VORACIOUS READER.
+
+All day long I read the papers that keep this little island noisy and
+tell us how we ought to be governed. I can't help it. I want to know the
+latest, and reading the papers seems (more or less) the way to get at
+it. The best way of all, of course, is to meet a man at a club or a
+resident in a locality favoured by retired colonels; but, in default of
+those advantages, one must buy the papers. And then of course it follows
+that one reads far too many papers and gets one's head far too full of
+war news. Still, what would you have? The war is so eminently first and
+everything else nowhere that this is inevitable.
+
+Outside suggestion has its share, too. Morning papers are a matter of
+course. One reads one's regular morning papers and no others. But after
+that the trouble begins with the evening paper placards, each with its
+lure. How can one resist them? The progress of the Allies! The repulsing
+of the enemy! The ten miles gained! The Russian advance! A German
+cruiser sunk! Each newsman has a different bait, and as the day goes on
+they become more attractive, so that one goes to bed at night filled
+with optimism. Well, these all have to be bought.
+
+Speaking as a reader of too many of them I must admit to a grievance or
+two; and the chief is the difficulty that we have in finding the
+fulfilment of all the promises which are set out in the headings to the
+principal war news. For example, I find among these headings on the day
+on which I write a reference to a German admission of failure and
+dismay. But can I find the thing itself? I cannot. It may be there, but
+again and again has my eye travelled up and down the columns seeking the
+nutritious morsel and not yet has it alighted thereon, and that is but
+one case out of many. Sometimes after a long hunt I do track these
+joyful tit-bits down, and then discover that they are separated from the
+heading by several columns. Some day a newspaper editor will arise who
+can achieve a really useful index to his contents. _The Times_ used to
+have something of the sort, but under the stress of battle that has
+gone.
+
+Another grievance--but I shall say no more on that subject. Grievances
+are for peace time, when a general huffiness and stuffiness about the
+way that everyone else conducts business is natural and indeed expected.
+In wartime no one should be harassed by criticism. So I pass on to the
+paper which I like best of all those now being published. I like it
+because it contains the news I most want to read, and every day, or
+rather every night, it gets better and will continue to get better until
+the Brandenberg gate opens to let the Allies in. This paper is not a
+morning paper and not an evening paper. It is published at night, in the
+smallest of the small hours, and I am its sole subscriber, for it is the
+paper of my dreams. Whether or not I am its editor I could not say. That
+question leads to the greater one which would need a volume for its
+decision: Do we compose our own dreams, or are they provided by Ole Luk
+Oie or some other dream-spinner? Anyway, no one can read the paper of my
+dreams but I, and it is, after all, the best reading. It contains the
+oddest things. Last night it had a fine article about a football match
+in the North of England. Twenty-two terrific fellows, whose united
+salaries came to a respectable fortune and whose united transfer fees,
+should their Clubs ever let them go, would be sufficient to build a
+_Dreadnought_, had been charging up and down the ground in a series of
+magnificent rushes, while ten thousand North of England lads roared
+themselves hoarse to see such glory. Suddenly a newspaper boy, reckless
+of his life, dashed on to the ground with a placard stating that a whole
+regiment of British soldiers had been trapped by a German ruse and
+annihilated. In an instant the game was broken up and every player and
+every spectator who was of age ran like hares to the nearest recruiting
+office and enrolled themselves as soldiers. They had seen in a flash
+that the only chance for England to get rid of this German menace was
+for every eligible man to do his share.
+
+In another part of the paper I read of a young and powerful man in an
+English village who, on being asked if he did not think that England was
+in danger, replied "Yes." He was then asked if he did not think that it
+was necessary to fight for her, and he replied "Yes" again. He was then
+asked who in his opinion were the most suitable volunteers to come to
+her aid, and he replied, "Other people." So far the story is not
+appreciably different from a story that you might read anywhere. But the
+version in my paper stated that he was seized by all the company present
+and not only ducked in the nearest horse-pond but held under the water
+for quite a long time, and then held under the water again.
+
+And another article--a most exciting one--described the success of a
+British aviator who flew over Essen and dropped five bombs on KRUPP'S
+gun factory and did irreparable damage. I forget his name, but, although
+he was pursued, he got clear away and returned to the Allies' lines.
+There was a fellow for you!
+
+So you see that I get some good reading out of my favourite paper. And
+more is to come!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF WAR.
+
+  Now woe is me! My treasure, my delight,
+    My guerdon after many toilsome days,
+  Shall gladden me no more. It was a sight
+    To bid men gape in wonderment, and praise
+  My patient courage that endured despite
+    The gibes of friends and Delia's pitying ways.
+      Ah, cruel fate that forced my hand to snip
+      Such costly growth as graced my upper lip!
+
+  Moustache most cherished! Not as other men
+    That let their lush growth riot as it will,
+  With just a formal waxing now and then,
+    Did I maintain it. Nay, with loving skill
+  And all the precious oils within the ken
+    Of cunning alchemists I strove until
+      Its soaring points aspired to pierce the skies,
+      And I was martial in my Delia's eyes.
+
+  Great store of gold I lavished. Yea, I went
+    To one that works in metals and I bought
+  A kind of dreadful iron instrument
+    With leathern straps, most wonderfully wrought,
+  And wore that horror nightly, well content
+    To bear such anguish for the prize I sought.
+      And all this patient toil was thrown away--
+      They stoned me for the KAISER yesterday!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a time when every penny that can be spared is needed for the help of
+our soldiers in the field and of our wounded, or to relieve the distress
+of the Belgian refugees or our own sufferers from the War, a public
+appeal is being made to the citizens of Newcastle-on-Tyne for
+subscriptions to a fund for presenting a testimonial to their Lord
+Mayor, on the ground that he has done his duty. We beg to offer our
+respectful sympathy to the LORD MAYOR of Newcastle-on-Tyne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Colonel of Swashbucklers._ "NAH THEN, SWANK! THE WIMMIN
+CAN LOOK ARTER THEIRSELVES. YOU 'OP IT AND JINE YER REGIMENT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TOBACCO PLANT.
+
+I had done the second hole (from the vegetable-marrow frame to the
+mulberry-tree) in two, and was about to proceed to the third hole by the
+potting-shed when I thought I would go in and convey the glad news to
+Joan. I found her seated at the table in the breakfast-room with what
+appeared to be a heap of tea spread out upon a newspaper in front of
+her. Little slips of torn tissue-paper littered the floor, and on a
+chair by her side were several empty cardboard boxes. The sight was so
+novel that I forgot the object of my errand.
+
+"What's all that tea for, and what are you doing with it?" I asked.
+
+"It isn't tea; it's tobacco," Joan replied, "and I'm making cigarettes
+for the soldiers at the front."
+
+"Where on earth did you get that tobacco from, if it _is_ tobacco?" I
+went on.
+
+"Let me see now," mused Joan, pausing to lick a cigarette-paper--"was it
+from the greengrocer's or the butcher's? Ah! I remember. It was from the
+tobacconist's."
+
+Joan gets like that sometimes, but I do not encourage her.
+
+"But what made you choose this Hottentot stuff?" I enquired.
+
+"The soldiers like it strong," Joan replied, "and this looked about the
+strongest he'd got."
+
+"What does it call itself?"
+
+"It was anonymous when I bought it, but you'll no doubt see its name on
+the bill when it comes in."
+
+"Thanks very much," I said. "That's what I should call forcible
+fleecing. Not that I mind in a good cause----"
+
+"Isn't it ingenious?" interrupted Joan. "You just put the tobacco in
+between the rollers, and twiddle this button round until--until you've
+twiddled it round enough; then you slip in a cigarette-paper--like
+that--moisten the edge of it--twiddle the button round once more--open
+the lid--and shake out the finished article--_comme ça!_"
+
+An imperfect cylindrical object fell on to the floor. I stooped to pick
+it up and the inside fell out. I collected the _débris_ in the palm of
+my hand.
+
+"How many of these have you made?" I asked.
+
+"Only three thoroughly reliable ones, including _that_ one," she
+replied. "I've rolled ever so many more, but the tobacco _will_ fall
+out."
+
+"Here, let me give you a hand," I suggested. "I'll roll and you lick."
+
+"No," said Joan kindly but firmly. "You don't quite grasp the situation.
+I want to do something. I can't make shirts or knit comforters. I've
+tried and failed. My shirts look like pillow-cases, and anything more
+comfortless than my comforters I couldn't imagine. I wouldn't ask a
+beggar to wear an article I had made, much less an Absent-Minded
+Beggar."
+
+"What about that tie you knitted for me last Christmas?" I said.
+
+"Yes," said Joan; "what about it? That's what I want to know. You
+haven't worn it once."
+
+It was true, I hadn't. The tie in question was an attempt to hybridise
+the respective colour-schemes of a tartan plaid and a Neapolitan ice.
+
+"That," I explained, "is because I've never had a suit which would set
+it off as it deserves to be set off. However, if I can't help I won't
+hinder you. I only came in to say that I had done the second hole in
+two. I thought you would like to know I had beaten bogey." And I
+retired, taking with me the little heap of tobacco and the hollow tube
+of paper.
+
+When I reached the seclusion of the mulberry-tree I found that the paper
+had become ungummed, so I placed the tobacco in it and succeeded after a
+while in rolling it up. The result, though somewhat attenuated, was
+recognisably a cigarette. I lit it, and when I had finished coughing I
+came to the conclusion that if only I could induce Joan to present her
+gift to the German troops instead of to our Tommies it would precipitate
+our ultimate triumph. I had to eat several mulberries before I felt
+capable of proceeding to the third hole. When I got there (in two) I
+found it occupied by a squadron of wasps while reinforcements were
+rapidly coming up from a hole beneath the shed. Being hopelessly
+outnumbered I contented myself with a strategical movement necessitating
+several stiff rearguard actions.
+
+       * * *
+
+Joan, growing a little more proficient, had in a couple of days made 500
+cigarettes. I had undertaken to despatch them, and one morning she came
+to me with a neatly-tied-up parcel.
+
+"Here they are," she said; "but you must ask at the Post Office how they
+should be addressed. I've stuck on a label."
+
+I went out, taking the parcel with me, and walked straight to the
+tobacconist's.
+
+"Please pack up 1,000 Hareems," I said, "and post them to the British
+Expeditionary Force. Mark the label 'Cigarettes for the use of the
+troops.' And look here, I owe you for a pound of tobacco my wife bought
+the other day. I'll square up for that at the same time. By-the-by, what
+tobacco was it?"
+
+"Well, Sir," the man replied, "I hardly like to admit it in these times,
+but it was a tobacco grown in German East Africa. It really isn't fit to
+smoke, and is only good for destroying wasps' nests or fumigating
+greenhouses, which I thought your lady wanted it for, seeing as how she
+picked it out for herself. Some ladies nowadays know as much about
+tobacco as what we do."
+
+I left the shop hurriedly. The problem of the disposal of Joan's
+well-meaning gift was now solved. I returned home and furtively stole up
+the side path into the garden. Under cover of the summer-house I undid
+the parcel and proceeded rapidly to strip the paper from those of the
+cigarettes that had not already become hollow mockeries. When I had
+collected all the tobacco I went in search of the gardener, and
+encountered him returning from one of his numerous meals.
+
+"Wilkins," I said, "there is a wasps' nest on the third green, and here
+is some special wasp-eradicator. Will you conduct the fumigation?"
+
+As Joan and I were walking round the garden that evening before dinner
+Joan said--
+
+"I don't want to blush to find it fame, but--do you know--I prefer doing
+good by stealth."
+
+A faint but unmistakable odour was borne on the air from the direction
+of the third green.
+
+"So do I," I said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NATIONAL GUESTS.
+
+My wife attributes our success (so far) in the entertainment of Belgian
+Refugees solely to the fact that we have not, and never have had, a
+vestige of a committee. We all work along in the jolliest possible way,
+and we have no meetings, or agenda, or minutes, or co-opting of
+additional members, or remitting to executives or anything of that kind.
+We just bring along anything that we think will be useful. Some of us
+bring clothes and others butter or umbrellas, or French books, or
+razor-strops or cigarettes. Hepburn, the dairy farmer, keeps sending
+cart-loads of cabbages; old Miss Mackintosh at the Brae Foot sends
+threepence a week. And when we are short of anything we just stick up a
+notice to that effect in the village shop. I issued a call for jam
+yesterday and ever since it has rained pots and pots. We have three
+large families of Belgians and we have already got to the stage where
+the men are at work and the children at school--though no one really has
+the least idea what they do there.
+
+But although I admit that it is magnificent to be without a
+committee--we escaped from that by the simple plan of getting the
+Belgians first and trusting to the goodwill of the Parish to take care
+of them afterwards--there are other important factors in our success.
+There is our extraordinary foresight--of course it was a pure fluke
+really--in obtaining among them a real Belgian policeman. You can have
+no idea what a fine sense of security that gives us in case anything
+goes wrong. We have already enjoyed his assistance in a variety of ways,
+and we have something still in reserve in the very unlikely event of his
+being professionally called in--his uniform. When we put him into his
+uniform the effect will be tremendous.
+
+Then again we have the advantage of being Scotch. I simply don't know
+how English country people are going to get on at all. Here we find that
+by talking with great emphasis in the very broadest Scotch--by simply
+calling soap _sape_ and a church a _kirk_ you can quite frequently bring
+it off and make yourself understood. I had a most exhilarating hour of
+mutual lucidity with the one that makes furniture in the carpenter's
+shop. It seemed to me that he called a saw a _zog_, which was surely
+quite good enough; and when he referred to a hammer as a _hamer_ it
+might surely be said to be equivalent to calling a spade a spade.
+
+Still the language difficulty remains, and the worst of it is that it
+gives an altogether unfair advantage--where all are so anxious to
+help--to the few select people in our neighbourhood who happen to be
+able, fortuitously, to talk French. They are--(1) Dr. Anderson, whose
+French is very good; (2) my wife, who is amazingly fluent in a crisis,
+though her constructions simply don't bear thinking of; (3) the
+school-master, who is weak; (4) the joiner, who is bad; (5) myself, who
+am awful. Several of our Refugees talk French.
+
+Of course we all have pocket-dictionaries, but even they don't always
+help us out. I found my wife once engaged in a desperate hand-to-hand
+encounter with the one who does the cooking about some household
+necessity that was sadly lacking. She was completely baffled. It was
+pure stalemate, a deadlock. I pulled out my dictionary and suggested to
+the cook (by illuminative signs) that she should look it up and point to
+the English word. There was some rejoicing at this, and she at once
+called upon the collective wisdom of her whole family. At last they got
+it with much nodding of heads and exhibited the book, buttressed with an
+eager finger at the place. And we looked and read "A young gold-finch;"
+so you will see that that didn't help us much. It was only by the almost
+miraculous emergence of the word _Fat_ in the course of their own
+private conversation shortly afterwards that light came to us.
+
+That they are quite at a loss to understand the meaning of honey in the
+comb did not greatly surprise us--though it was rather queer--but the
+Parish is deeply distressed at their total ignorance of oatmeal. They
+are quite at sea there, and so far have only employed it for baiting a
+bird-trap: and that touches us closely, for the very foundation of our
+being in these parts is oatmeal. Even their beautiful devotion to
+vegetables of all sorts cannot, we feel, compensate for their attitude
+of negation towards this very staple of existence. There is a strong
+party among us bent on their conversion. We hope with all our hearts
+that they will be comfortable and contented among us till the day comes
+when they can return to their own country; and we feel that their exile
+will not have been entirely wasted if they have learned to appreciate
+the purpose fulfilled by porridge in the Divine Order of things.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: WORD PERFECT.
+
+_Sentry_ (_on duty for first time_). "'ALT! WHO GOES THERE? ADVANCE TO
+WITHIN FIVE PACES, AND GIVE THE COUNTERSIGN 'WATERLOO.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In the good old days when that royal pipsqueak, our FIRST JAMES, came to
+the throne, if you were a physician of a little more than common skill
+and furnished with theological opinions of a modernist complexion, or a
+lonely woman with (or without) some cunning in the matter of herbs, who
+cherished a peculiar (or normal) pussy-cat, you were quite likely to be
+burnt out of hand. And, in her competent way, MARY JOHNSTON, in _The
+Witch_ (CONSTABLE), deals with this dark blot on the escutcheon of
+Christianity. Through what suffering and what joys _Dr. Aderhold_, the
+kindly free-thinking mystic, and _Joan Heron_, the simple village maid,
+found their ultimate and, for the times, merciful release by halter in
+place of fire, readers who have nerves to spare for horror will read
+with eagerness. It is indeed a dreadful story. Miss JOHNSTON is not one
+of your novelists who lets herself off the contemporary document, and on
+her reputation you may take it she is not far out. The grim tale serves
+to show to what lengths the force of suggestion will, in times of
+excitement, carry folk otherwise sober and truthful. Manifestly
+preposterous evidence, freely given, was freely admitted by trained
+legal minds--evidence on which innocent lives were sacrificed at the
+average rate of over a thousand a month in England and Scotland in the
+two centuries of the chief witch-baiting period. But, after all, have we
+not, most of us, near relations who saw a quarter-of-a-million of
+astrakanned Russians steal through England in the dead of an August
+night? And have we not---- But I grow tedious. _The Witch_ is an
+eminently readable story of adventure of the coincidental kind.
+
+       * * *
+
+What I like best in the stories of Mr. W. W. JACOBS, apart from their
+mere hilarity, is their triumphant vindication of the right to jest.
+They spread themselves before me like a pageant representing the
+graceful submission of the easy dupe. They tempt me to filch away chairs
+from beneath stout and elderly gentlemen who are about to sit down. Take
+the case of _Sergeant-Major Farrer_ in _Night Watches_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON). He was afraid of nothing on earth, or off it, but ghosts,
+and he despised the weedy young man who was in love with his daughter.
+So the weedy young man dared him to come to a haunted cottage at
+midnight, and, dressed up as a spectre, terrified the soldier into
+something more than a strategic retreat, with the result that he
+surrendered his daughter. In real life of course it is different. I know
+a colour-sergeant, and somehow I rather think that if I--but never mind.
+In Mr. JACOBS' beautiful world, as it is with _Mr. Farrer_ so is it with
+_Peter Russet_, with _Ginger Dick_ and with _Sam Small_. They know when
+the laugh is against them, and, waiving the appeal to force or to law,
+they grumble but retire. There is one exercise in the gruesome in _Night
+Watches_, but it hardly shows Mr. JACOBS at his best in this particular
+vein. There are also several charming illustrations by Mr. STANLEY
+DAVIS, executed with a buff tint, which help to sustain the gossamer
+illusion.
+
+       * * *
+
+If I were a woman I should always be a little irritated with any story
+which shows two women in love with the same man. Miss MAY SINCLAIR in
+her new novel does not mind how much she annoys her own sex. She shows
+us no fewer than three women engaged in this competition, and they are
+sisters. True, there was not much choice for them in their lonely
+moorland village, which contained a young doctor and no other eligible
+man. Of this fellow _Rowcliffe_ we are told that "his eyes were liable
+in repose to become charged with a curious and engaging pathos," an
+attraction which had broken many hearts before the story opened, and
+gave to their owner a great sense of confidence in himself. This set me
+against him at the start, but the three sisters, as I said, were not in
+a position to be fastidious. _Mary's_ love for him was of the
+social-domestic kind; _Gwenda's_ was spiritual; _Alice's_ frankly
+physical. Though alleged to be "as good as gold," _Alice_, the youngest
+of _The Three Sisters_ (HUTCHINSON), was one of those hysterical women
+who threaten to die or go mad unless they get married--a very unpleasant
+fact for a young doctor to have to discuss with her sister, and for us
+to read about. Indeed, if I were to tell in all its incredible crudity
+the story of the relations of this gently-bred girl with the drunken
+farmer who, to her knowledge, had previously betrayed her own
+servant-girl, I think even Miss SINCLAIR would be revolted. Her exposure
+of certain secret things which common decency agrees to leave in silence
+is a treachery to her sex, not excusable on grounds of physiological
+interest; and I, for one, who was loud in my praise of the fine
+qualities of her great romance, _The Divine Fire_, confess to a sense of
+almost personal sorrow that such high gifts as hers, which still show no
+trace of decline in craftsmanship, should have suffered so much taint. I
+sincerely hope that the noble work she is now doing with the Red Cross
+at the front--where the best wishes of her many friends follow her--may
+make more clear the claim that is laid upon her to devote her
+exceptional powers as a writer to the higher issues of life and death;
+or, at the least, to something cleaner and sweeter than the morbid
+atmosphere of her present theme.
+
+       * * *
+
+It has been my private conviction that the most depressing and
+shuddersome of all natural prospects is the wide expanse of mud and
+slime to be found at low water in the estuary of a tidal river. Such
+scenes have always been singularly abhorrent to me. Mr. "ADRIAN ROSS"
+appears to share this feeling, for out of one of them he has made the
+novel and very effective setting for his bogie-tale, _The Hole of the
+Pit_ (ARNOLD). It is a story of the Civil Wars, though these have less
+to do with the action than the uncivil and very gruesome war waged
+between the Lord of Deeping Castle and the Unseen Thing that lived in
+the Pit. The Pit itself is real joy. It was covered always by the tide,
+but could be distinguished by a darker shadow on the surface of the
+sluggish stream, a shadow streaked at times by wavering bands of greyish
+slime, strangely agitated.... There were smells, too, dank, sodden,
+drowned smells that came in upon the sea mist. Moreover, Deeping Castle
+I can only describe as an eligible residence for the immortal _Fat Boy_.
+It was built right upon the water, within convenient distance, as the
+auctioneers say, of the Pit; and between the two of them your flesh is
+made to creep more than you would believe possible. As for the great
+scene where the Thing finally gets out of the Pit, and comes slobbering
+and sucking round the castle walls--I cannot hope to convey to you the
+horror of it. Perhaps you may feel with me that Mr. Ross has been at
+times a little too confident that the undoubted thrill of his bogie
+would save it from being unintentionally funny. I confess I did laugh
+once in the wrong place. But everywhere else I shivered with the fearful
+joy that only the best in this kind can produce.
+
+       * * *
+
+I remember that I have before this admired the mixture of cheerful
+cynicism and dry humour that is the speciality of Mr. MAX RITTENBERG. He
+has shown it again in _Every Man His Price_ (METHUEN), but hardly, I
+think, to quite the same effect as formerly. My feeling about the book
+was that it started with a first-class idea for a plot of comedy and
+intrigue, but that the author, instead of being contented with this,
+wanted to give us a novel of character-development on the grand scale,
+and somewhat spoilt his work in the attempt. The earlier chapters could
+hardly have been better. There was a real snap in the struggle between
+the English hero, _Hilary Warde_, who had nearly perfected a system of
+wireless telephony, and the Berlin magnates who wished to bluff him out
+of the results. As I say, I liked these early scenes and some others
+subsequently that dealt with rather sensational finance (it always
+cheers me up when the hero makes half-a-million pounds in a single
+chapter!) better than those that had to do with _Warde's_ domestic
+entanglements and the deterioration of his character. And the climax
+seemed inadequate to the point of bathos. But there is much in the tale
+to enjoy; and you might read it if only for a vivid word-picture of what
+Berlin used to be like before the beginning of the great _débâcle_. This
+has now an interest almost historical.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Hedger._ "THERE'S AWFUL ACCOUNTS IN THIS 'ERE PAPER OF THEY
+GERMANS--SEEMS THERE'S SOME PEOPLE AS DON'T 'OLD _NOTHING_ SACRED."
+
+Huntsman. "AH! YOU MAY SAY SO! AND IT AIN'T ONLY GERMANS. ONLY LAST
+NIGHT I FOUND AS FINE A DOG-FOX AS EVER I SEE _WITH A BULLET-WOUND
+THROUGH 'IS 'EART!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TURKISH AMBASSADOR LEAVES BORDEAUX.
+
+    The Turkish Ambassador left Paris yesterday on a visit to Biarritz.
+    He announced before leaving that he would return. This was the first
+    visit paid by the Turkish Ambassador for over a fortnight. He did
+    not see Sir Edward Grey, but had a long conference with Sir Arthur
+    Nicolson, Permanent Under-Secretary."
+
+    _Edinburgh Evening News._
+
+The only possible answer to this extraordinary conduct was a declaration
+of war.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, November 11, 1914, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+November 11, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, November 11, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 24, 2009 [EBook #28596]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 147.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2><span class="sc">November 11, 1914.</span></h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_389" id="Page_389">[Pg 389]</a></span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>"In Buenos Aires and other parts of
+Argentina," <i>The Express</i> tells us,
+"people are tired of the war, and a
+brisk trade is being done in the sale of
+buttons to be worn by the purchaser,
+inscribed with the words '<i>No me habla
+de la guerra</i>' ('Don't talk to me about
+the war')." The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, we understand,
+has now sent for one of these
+buttons.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Crown Prince <span class="sc">Rupprecht</span> of
+Bavaria, in an order to his troops last
+week, referred to the British in the
+following words:&mdash;"Here is the enemy
+which chiefly blocks the way in the
+direction of restoration of peace." Conceive
+a "contemptible little
+army" being able to do that!
+It makes one wonder whether
+the first epithet was perhaps
+a misprint for "contemptuous."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Germans are now calling
+the Allies a Menagerie,
+though curiously enough it is
+the others who have a Turkey
+waddling after them.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to a report which
+reaches us the crews of the
+<i>Goeben</i> and <i>Breslau</i> are wearing
+a most curious garb, being
+clothed in Turkish fezes and
+breaches of neutrality.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<center>"GERMANS MOWED DOWN<br />
+<span class="sc">French Marines' Big Feet</span>."</center>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Irish Independent.</i></p>
+
+<p>This is really a most unfortunate
+misprint, for it is just
+this kind of carping statement
+that leads the Germans to say we are
+falling out with our Allies.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There is much speculation as to
+whether there is German blackmail
+behind the announcement that the
+maximum period of quarantine for
+imported dogs has been reduced from
+six months to four.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The only animals left alive in the
+Antwerp Zoo are reported to be the
+elephants, which are now being used
+for military traction purposes. Later
+on it is proposed by the Germans to
+drive them into the lines of the Indian
+troops with a view to making the latter
+home-sick.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Algernon Ashton</span> asks in <i>The
+Evening News</i>, "Why is the Poet
+Laureate so strangely silent?"
+Everyone else will remember Mr.
+<span class="sc">Bridges'</span> patriotic lines at the beginning
+of the War, and we begin to suspect
+that Mr. <span class="sc">Ashton's</span> well-known
+repugnance to writing for the papers
+has been extended to the reading of
+them.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>The Daily Mirror</i>, to signalise its
+eleventh birthday, produced a "Monster
+Number," yet it contained no portrait
+of the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Happening to meet a music-hall
+acquaintance we asked him how he
+thought the war was going, and he
+replied, "Oh, I think the managers
+will have to give in."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>America is evidently attempting to
+attract some of the devotees of winter
+sports who usually go to Switzerland.
+Another landslide on the Panama
+Canal is now announced.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are sorry to have to bring a
+charge of lack of gallantry against <i>The
+Leicester Mail</i>. We refer to the following
+passage in its description of an
+ovation given to Driver <span class="sc">Osborne</span>, V.C.,
+at Derby on the 31st ult. After describing
+how, in the course of a great
+reception given to him by a large crowd
+at the station, two or three buxom
+matrons insisted upon embracing him,
+our contemporary continues: "Driver
+Osborne has now practically recovered,
+and reports himself for duty again at
+the end of this week."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The municipality of Berlin has decided
+to substitute for the existing
+designations of some of the principal
+streets in that city the names of "German
+generals who have become famous
+during the present war." This, however,
+will not involve many alterations.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Orders have been issued by the
+Federal Council of the German Empire
+that no bread other than that containing
+from 5 to 20 per cent. of potato flour
+will be allowed to be baked. Such
+bread is to be sold under the name of
+"K" bread. At first this was taken
+to be a graceful tribute to Lord
+<span class="sc">Kitchener</span>, but it is now officially
+stated that "K" stands for the German
+for potatoes.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The <i>K&ouml;lnische Zeitung</i> complains
+that English prisoners in Germany
+"are allowed to lead the lives of
+Olympian Gods." Our choleric contemporary
+is evidently unaware
+that we are allowing
+German prisoners to reside
+in Olympia, which is the next
+best thing to Olympus.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The British steamer <i>Remuera</i>
+reported on reaching
+Plymouth last week that a
+German cruiser had attempted
+to trap her by means of
+a false S.O.S. signal. We
+ought not, we suppose, to be
+surprised at a low trick like
+this from the s.o.s.sidges.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There is one quality that
+no one can with justice deny
+to the Germans, and that is
+thoroughness. The other
+day, having laid a mine,
+they seem to have used one
+of their own cruisers to test
+its destructive power.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"It is noticeable," says
+<i>The Daily Mail</i>, "that the Kaiser's
+speeches no longer include references
+to God, only Frederick the Great."
+This confirms the rumours of a quarrel.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/389.png">
+<img src="images/389.png" width="100%" alt="The Airship Menace." /></a>
+<h4><span class="sc">The Airship Menace.</span></h4>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Famous Town Captured by Germans.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>"In the south of Ypres we have lost some
+points, D'Appui, Hollebeke, and Landvoorde."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Worcester Daily Times.</i></p>
+
+<p>If your map doesn't give D'Appui,
+buy a more expensive one.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Capstan Hands.&mdash;First-class Men, used to
+chucking work, for motor vehicle parts."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Advt. in "The Manchester Guardian."</i></p>
+
+<p>They ought to be easy enough to get.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Guardsmen again provided a dramatic
+element in the trial by guarding the prisoner
+and the door which fixed bayonets."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Evening News.</i></p>
+
+<p>You should see our arm-chair give the
+salute.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_390" id="Page_390">[Pg 390]</a></span>
+
+<h2>TO THE SHIRKER: A LAST APPEAL.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Now of your free choice, while the chance is yours</p>
+<p class="i2">To share their glory who have gladly died</p>
+<p class="i0">Shielding the honour of our island shores</p>
+<p class="i2">And that fair heritage of starry pride,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Now, ere another evening's shadow falls,</p>
+<p class="i4">Come, for the trumpet calls.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">What if to-morrow through the land there runs</p>
+<p class="i2">This message for an everlasting stain?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">"England expected each of all her sons</p>
+<p class="i2">To do his duty&mdash;but she looked in vain;</p>
+<p class="i0">Now she demands, by order sharp and swift,</p>
+<p class="i4">What should have been a gift."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">For so it must be, if her manhood fail</p>
+<p class="i2">To stand by England in her deadly need;</p>
+<p class="i0">If still her wounds are but an idle tale</p>
+<p class="i2">The word must issue which shall make you heed;</p>
+<p class="i0">And they who left her passionate pleas unheard</p>
+<p class="i4">Will <i>have</i> to hear that word.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And, losing your free choice, you also lose</p>
+<p class="i2">Your right to rank, on Memory's shining scrolls,</p>
+<p class="i0">With those, your comrades, who made haste to choose</p>
+<p class="i2">The willing service asked of loyal souls;</p>
+<p class="i0">From all who gave such tribute of the heart</p>
+<p class="i4">Your name will stand apart.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I think you cannot know what meed of shame</p>
+<p class="i2">Shall be their certain portion who pursue</p>
+<p class="i0">Pleasure "as usual" while their country's claim</p>
+<p class="i2">Is answered only by the gallant few.</p>
+<p class="i0">Come, then, betimes, and on her altar lay</p>
+<p class="i4">Your sacrifice to-day!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.</h2>
+
+<center>No. VII.</center>
+
+<center>(<i>From the <span class="sc">President of the French Republic</span>.</i>)</center>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Bordeaux.</i></p>
+
+<p>Sire,&mdash;You will pardon me, I know, if for a moment I
+break in upon the serious occupations and meditations in
+which your time must be spent. I like to picture you to
+myself in the midst of your Staff, working out for them and
+your armies great problems of strategy and devising those
+movements which, so far, have overwhelmed not your foes
+so much as the minds of your fellow-countrymen. You
+too, Sire, sanguine and impetuous as is your nature, are no
+doubt beginning to realise that a great nation&mdash;let us say
+France, for example&mdash;is not to be overcome by mere
+shouting and the waving of sabres, or by the making of
+impassioned speeches in which God, having been acclaimed
+as an ally, is encouraged to perform miracles for the benefit
+of the Prussian arms. I do not deny that your soldiers
+are brave and that your armies are well equipped; but our
+Frenchmen too have guns and bayonets and swords and
+shells and know how to make use of them, and their
+portion of courage is no smaller than that of the Prussians,
+or even of the Bavarians whom you have lately been
+vaunting. Moreover&mdash;and this you had perhaps over-looked&mdash;they
+have something which is deadlier and more
+enduring than shot and shell and steel&mdash;the unconquerable
+spirit which leaps up in the hearts of men who are gathered
+to defend their country from invasion and their national
+existence from destruction.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, Sire, how little you have understood France and her
+people; how little you have understood the minds and
+motives of men! "France," your Professors and your
+Generals told you, "is degenerate; her population is smaller
+than ours; she has lost her skill in fighting and her courage;
+she has no culture, never having heard of <span class="sc">Treitschke</span> and
+having neglected the inspired writings of <span class="sc">Nietzsche</span>; she
+will be an easy prey, for no one will lift a hand to help her.
+England is lapped in ease behind her ocean and will never
+fight again; Russia is distant and slow, and we can despise
+her; Belgium will never dare to deny us anything we care
+to ask. Let us make haste, then, and crush France to the
+earth for ever." So you planned, and your legions set out
+to trample us down, with the result that is now before the
+eyes of the world.</p>
+
+<p>Only a few words more. There is at Sampigny, in
+Lorraine, a modest country-house, which was, in fact, my
+home. Your troops passed through the place, and for no
+military reason that I can discover they reduced this house
+to ruins. I know that that is a small price to pay for the
+honour of being allowed to represent the French nation in
+this hour of peril and glory, and I pay it willingly. When
+so many are laying down their lives with joy why should I
+complain because a few walls have been shattered? But I
+am reminded and I wish to remind you of another story.
+One hundred and eight years ago, in October, the Great
+<span class="sc">Napoleon</span>, having scattered your predecessor's armies to the
+four winds of heaven, proceeded to Potsdam, where he
+visited the tomb of the great <span class="sc">Frederick</span>. They showed him
+the dead King's sword, his belt and his cordon of the Black
+Eagle. These Napoleon took, with the intention of sending
+them to Paris, to be presented to the <i>Invalides</i>, amongst
+whom there still lingered a few who had been defeated by
+<span class="sc">Frederick</span> at Rosbach. Certainly the relics took no shame
+from such a seizure and such a guardianship. But the
+palace at Potsdam was not destroyed and stands to this
+day. I do not wish to liken myself to <span class="sc">Frederick</span>, nor do I
+compare you with <span class="sc">Napoleon</span>, but I tell you the story, which
+is true, for what it is worth. I wonder if you will appreciate
+it?</p>
+
+<p>Agree, Sire, the expression of my distinguished consideration.</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Raymond Poincar&eacute;.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE IRON CROSS.</h2>
+
+<center>(For German looters.)</center>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">[<i>In tempi barbari e pi&ugrave; feroci</i></p>
+<p class="i0"><i>S' appiccavan' i ladri in sulle croci;</i></p>
+<p class="i0"><i>In tempi men barbari e pi&ugrave; leggiadri</i></p>
+<p class="i0"><i>S' appiccano le croci in petto ai ladri.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Giust</span>.]</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In former ferocious and barbarous times,</p>
+<p class="i0">The thief was hung up on the cross for his crimes,</p>
+<p class="i0">But Culture to savages offers relief&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">The cross is now hung on the breast of the thief.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Amended and more stringent regulations concerning the lights
+of London have been issued by Sir E. R. Henry, the Commissioner
+of Police. A number of them are in the same terms as those which
+were published in <i>The Globe</i> nearly a month ago, but others make
+important changes. For example, the third order, as originally
+drafted, ran: 'The intensity of the inside lighting of shop fronts
+must be reduced from 6 p.m. or earlier if the Commissioner of Police
+on any occasion so directs,' but it is now as follows:&mdash;</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The intensity of the inside lighting of shop fronts must be
+reduced <i>from 6 p.m. or earlier if the Commissioner of Police on any
+occasion so directs</i>."&mdash;<i>Globe.</i></p>
+
+<p>The italics ought to make it a lot darker.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Gifts of money for the purchase of blankets are being
+made in Germany not less than here, and we understand
+that a large sum has been sent out to South Africa
+addressed: "De Wet Blanket Fund."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_391" id="Page_391">[Pg 391]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/391.png">
+<img src="images/391.png" width="100%" alt="HIS MASTER&#39;S VOICE." /></a>
+<h4>HIS MASTER'S VOICE.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">The Kaiser</span> (<i>to Turkey, reassuringly</i>). "LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME. ALL YOU'VE GOT TO
+DO IS TO EXPLODE."</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Turkey.</span> "YES, I QUITE SEE THAT. BUT WHERE SHALL <i>I</i> BE WHEN IT'S ALL OVER?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_392" id="Page_392">[Pg 392]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_393" id="Page_393">[Pg 393]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/393.png"><br /><br />
+<img src="images/393.png" width="100%" alt="Talkative Passenger." /></a>
+<p><i>Talkative Passenger.</i> "<span class="sc">I see that the young Earl of Harboro' has just done a very plucky act at the front.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Rabid Socialist</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). "<span class="sc">Well, so he ought.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE MISUSED TALENT.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A mild apostrophe to the young man next door.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Augustus! ever prone at eve to gurgle a</p>
+<p class="i2">Melodious distych from the music-halls,</p>
+<p class="i0">Piping in summer from beneath a pergola,</p>
+<p class="i2">Piping to-day behind these party-walls,</p>
+<p class="i0">Three months ago and more, when Mars had thrust us</p>
+<p class="i2">In doubt and dread alarm and cannons' mist,</p>
+<p class="i0">I found one solace, for I mused, "Augustus</p>
+<p class="i6">Will probably enlist.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"I know not what his dreams of glory may be,</p>
+<p class="i2">I know not if his heart is full of grit,</p>
+<p class="i0">But I do know that he disturbs the baby,</p>
+<p class="i2">And, judging by his lungs, he must be fit;</p>
+<p class="i0">His is the frame, or else I've never seen one,</p>
+<p class="i2">His are the fitting years to fight and roam,</p>
+<p class="i0">He has no ties (except that pink and green one)</p>
+<p class="i6">To tether him to home.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"When he returns he'll possibly be sager;</p>
+<p class="i2">If not (for glory of his long campaign)</p>
+<p class="i0">We shall be thrilled to hear the sergeant-major</p>
+<p class="i2">Singing the good old songs he loved again;</p>
+<p class="i0">Bellona, too, has something of the witch in her;</p>
+<p class="i2">It may be he will learn more tact and grace</p>
+<p class="i0">When that mild tenor has been turned by <span class="sc">Kitchener</span></p>
+<p class="i6">Into a throaty bass."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Thus jestingly I dreamed. And now, Caruso,</p>
+<p class="i2">You have not budged one inch upon the road;</p>
+<p class="i0">While half the lads have got their khaki trousseau,</p>
+<p class="i2">You still retain that voice and nut-like mode;</p>
+<p class="i0">Peace holds you with the tightness of a grapnel,</p>
+<p class="i2">And, still adhering to her ample hem,</p>
+<p class="i0">You enfilade us with your tuney shrapnel</p>
+<p class="i6">From 9 to 12 <span class="sc">P.M.</span></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So here's my ultimatum. Though it loosens</p>
+<p class="i2">The kindly bonds that neighbours ought to keep,</p>
+<p class="i0">I'll take a summons out to curb the nuisance</p>
+<p class="i2">Unless you stop it. Can I laugh or weep</p>
+<p class="i0">For those who fling their challenge at the blighting gale,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who smile to hear the cannon's murderous croon,</p>
+<p class="i0">When you go on like a confounded nightingale</p>
+<p class="i6">Under a fat-faced moon?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The streets are darkened now that once were ringing</p>
+<p class="i2">Through all the lamp-lit hours with festal fuss,</p>
+<p class="i0">And songs are changed, and so's the time for singing,</p>
+<p class="i2">But I'd be greatly pleased to hear you, Gus,</p>
+<p class="i0">Out in the road there, watched by Anns and Maries,</p>
+<p class="i2">Op'ning your throttle to the mid-day light;</p>
+<p class="i0">Fate gave it you to prove that Tipperary's</p>
+<p class="i6">A long way off. <i>Left&mdash;Right!</i></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>We commend <i>The Pioneer</i> to the notice of our evening
+contemporaries. Its "Extraordinary War Special"&mdash;price,
+one anna&mdash;consists of the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"No Reuter received since 8.30 a.m."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A more enterprising paper, such as <i>The</i> &mdash;&mdash; or <i>The</i> &mdash;&mdash;
+[<i>censored</i>] would have provided some new headlines from
+yesterday's news.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_394" id="Page_394">[Pg 394]</a></span>
+
+<h2>TOMMY BROWN, PATRIOT.</h2>
+
+<center>II.</center>
+
+<p>Tommy Brown has already been in
+disgrace, although it is only a fortnight
+since he wrote the famous patriotic
+essay which determined Mr. Smith,
+his Form-master, to go to the Front.
+You see, Miss Price, who is deputising
+for Mr. Smith, does not like lizards,
+and has an especial aversion to white
+rats, whereas Tommy is very fond of
+these and other dumb animals.</p>
+
+<p>So Tommy was reported to the
+Headmaster. At first the Headmaster
+thought that the application of "somewhat
+severe measures, my boy," would
+meet the case; but whoever
+heard of caning a curly-headed
+boy with blue eyes and an ink-stain
+on both lips? The interview
+took place in the Headmaster's
+study. To the question,
+"What do you mean, Sir,
+by bringing lizards and white
+rats to school?" Tommy said,
+"Yes, Sir," and then, after
+thinking for fully three seconds,
+he said he had a ferret at
+home, and did the Headmaster
+know how to hold a ferret so
+that it couldn't bite you?</p>
+
+<p>It seems that ferrets, if they
+once get hold of your thumb,
+never let go&mdash;<i>not never</i>&mdash;and
+that you have to force their
+jaws open with a penholder;
+also ferrets exhibit a marked
+preference for thumbs. All this
+information Tommy conveyed
+without drawing a breath. The
+Headmaster said, "Quite so, my
+boy, quite so. But don't you
+know it is extremely reprehensible
+conduct to bring animals
+to school in your pocket?"
+Well, you see, that is how
+Tommy's mother talks to him,
+so he knew what to do, and, looking
+up into the Headmaster's face with
+that wistful look of his, he imparted
+the deep secret that he had a tortoise.</p>
+
+<p>Tortoises, the Headmaster learnt,
+had a way of getting lost among the
+cabbages, but, if you wanted to prevent
+them from straying, all you had to do
+was to turn them over on their backs
+and put a piece of brown paper over them
+for their feet to play with. Also they
+were stuck fast in their shells, because
+Tommy had tried. A boy had told
+Tommy that tortoises laid eggs, but
+although Tommy had showed his tortoise
+a hen's egg and then put the
+tortoise in a nice new nest the tortoise
+had taken no step in the matter.</p>
+
+<p>However, Tommy promised never to
+bring any more animals to school and
+to express his sorrow to Miss Price.
+And he was richer by sixpence when
+the interview closed.</p>
+
+<p>At parting, Tommy offered to lend
+the Headmaster his tortoise for a week,
+and told him that, if he stood for a
+whole hour on its back, it wouldn't
+hurt it, because Tommy had trained it;
+also it never crawled out of your
+pocket.</p>
+
+<p>Tommy apologised to Miss Price
+for bringing the white rats to school&mdash;they
+weren't white rats really, not
+to look at; they were rather piebald
+through constant association with ink.
+Also he brought an apple and showed
+her how, by holding it a certain way
+whilst eating it, she would miss the
+bad part. In further sign of amity he
+showed her his knife, and especially
+that instrument in it which was used
+for removing stones from horses' hoofs.
+Not that Tommy had removed many
+stones from horses' hoofs, not very
+many, but if you had a tooth that was
+loose it was very helpful. Miss Price
+gave him a new threepenny bit, and
+Tommy tried hard to please her in
+arithmetic by reducing inches to
+pounds, shillings and pence.</p>
+
+<p>With nine-pence in his pocket Tommy
+felt uneasy. It was a question between
+a lop-eared rabbit and a mouth-organ.
+A lop-eared rabbit, that is to say a
+proper one, cost two shillings; for nine-pence
+it was probable that you could
+only get a rabbit which would lop with
+one ear.</p>
+
+<p>Besides, a lop-eared rabbit meant a
+hutch, and he had already used the
+cover of his mother's sewing-machine
+for the piebald rats.</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand, you could get a
+mouth-organ with a bell on it for nine-pence;
+he knew.</p>
+
+<p>It was a splendid instrument!</p>
+
+<p>Tommy took it to bed with him and
+put it under his pillow, and when his
+mother came to see that he was all right
+at night his hand was clutched round
+it as he slept content.</p>
+
+<p>The next day Tommy gave an organ
+recital in the playground before a
+large and enthusiastic audience. For
+a marble he would let you blow it
+while he held it. For two marbles you
+could hold it yourself.</p>
+
+<p>One boy paid the two marbles,
+and noticed the words
+"Made in Germany" in small
+letters on the under side. The
+silence that followed the announcement
+of this discovery
+was broken only by the sound
+of Jones minor biting an apple.
+All eyes were on Tommy Brown.
+For the fraction of a second he
+hesitated, and in that fraction
+Brook tertius giggled.</p>
+
+<p>Tommy seized the mouth-organ
+with a determination that
+was almost ferocious; he threw
+it on the ground, stamped on
+it with his heel again and
+again, and finally took and
+pitched it into a neighbouring
+garden. He then fell upon
+Brook tertius and punched him
+until he howled.</p>
+
+<p>Before Tommy Brown could
+go to sleep that night his
+mother had to sit by his bed-side
+and hold his hand; he
+never released her hand until
+he was fast asleep. How like
+his father (the V.C.) he looked!
+She wondered what made him
+toss so in his sleep and what had
+become of his mouth-organ with the
+bell on it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/394.png">
+<img src="images/394.png" width="100%" alt="HOW TO BRING UP A HUN." /></a>
+<h4>HOW TO BRING UP A HUN.</h4>
+<center><span class="sc">The Teutonic substitute for Milk</span>.</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>"<span class="sc">French President at the Font</span>."</h4>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Leicester Daily Mercury.</i></p>
+<p>Where he received his baptism of fire?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>"German infantry on the morning of the
+5th ventured an assault and were repulsed by
+blithering fire."&mdash;<i>Pioneer.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Some of their Professors should be able
+to do good work in the blithering line.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Reuter's agency learns that according to
+an official telegram received in London Turkish
+vessels have entered the open port of
+Odessa and bombarded Russian ships.</p>
+<p>6 to 1 agst Cheerful, 7 to 1 agst Flippant."</p></blockquote>
+<p class="author"><i>South Wales Echo.</i></p>
+<p>Not at all; we remain both.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p style="clear: both;">&nbsp;</p>
+
+<div class="centered">
+<table summary="cartoon">
+<tr><td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/395a.png">
+<img src="images/395a.png" width="100%" alt="A perfect fit" /></a></div></td>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%">
+<a href="images/395b.png">
+<img src="images/395b.png" width="100%" alt="After a week's drill" /></a></div></td></tr>
+<tr><td><center><i>Scene I.</i> <span class="sc">A perfect fit</span>.</center></td>
+<td><center><i>Scene II.</i> <span class="sc">After a week's drill</span>.</center></td></tr>
+</table>
+<h4>WHAT OUR TAILOR HAS TO PUT UP WITH.</h4></div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_395" id="Page_395">[Pg 395]</a></span>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BEGBIE REBUKED.</h2>
+<p>Fleet Street was thrilled to the
+depths of its deepest inkpot last week
+when it read in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>
+of the historic meeting between Mr.
+<span class="sc">Harold Begbie</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">W. J. Bryan</span>
+in New York. The sensation was
+caused not so much by the announcement
+that Mr. <span class="sc">Bryan</span> "has the long
+mouth of the orator, the lips swelling
+and protruding as he speaks, thinning
+and compressing when he is silent," or
+that "the full and heavy neck, which
+seems to be part of the face, is corded
+with muscles," although either of those
+statements is startling enough. Nor
+was it Mr. <span class="sc">Begbie's</span> struggle to decide
+whether he should devote his attention
+to the great statesman or to the railway
+station in which they met, the
+statesman being selected only just in
+time. No, what nearly stopped the
+clock of St. Bride's church was this
+paragraph in Mr. <span class="sc">Begbie's</span> record of
+the event: "At this point I asked quite
+innocently, and with a real desire for
+information, an obvious but indiscreet
+question, which Mr. <span class="sc">Bryan</span> rebuked me
+for asking, reminding me that he was
+a member of the Government."</p>
+
+<p>What a subject for an Academy
+painting in oils! Or, if <span class="sc">Milton</span> had been
+living at this hour, how he would have
+immortalised the touching scene!</p>
+
+<p>A desire to present to our readers
+some fuller details of this world-staggering
+event prompted us to cable
+to a few correspondents in New York.
+One cables back: "The scene was
+dramatic in the extreme. The journalist,
+his big blue eyes brimming with
+innocence, gently breathed his question,
+when the great statesman shook his
+shaggy mane and roared out his rebuke
+like a lion in pain. The journalist's
+apologetic gesture was one of the most
+delicate things I have ever seen."</p>
+
+<p>Another tells us:&mdash;"When Mr.
+<span class="sc">Begbie</span> put his question so great a stillness
+reigned throughout the crowded
+railway station that you could have
+heard a goods-train shunt." Mr. <span class="sc">Bryan</span>
+looked long and earnestly at the journalist,
+then, placing his hand affectionately
+on his shoulder, he said to him
+in a throbbing voice, "Oh, <span class="sc">Harold</span>,
+how can you?"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>"The Incorrigibles."</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The enemy made attacks, but each effort
+was repulsed with great laughter."</p></blockquote>
+<p class="author"><i>&mdash;Star.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"One recalls in this connection the statement
+made by Alexander the Great, that
+Napoleon's invasion of Russia was defeated
+not by the Cossacks, but by Generals January
+and February."&mdash;<i>Stock Exchange Gazette.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This reminds us of <span class="sc">C&aelig;sar's</span> comment
+on the sack of Louvain:&mdash;"<i>Magnificens
+est, sed non bellum.</i>"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WIRELESS.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">There sits a little demon</p>
+<p class="i2">Above the Admiralty,</p>
+<p class="i0">To take the news of seamen</p>
+<p class="i2">Seafaring on the sea;</p>
+<p class="i0">So all the folk aboard-ships</p>
+<p class="i2">Five hundred miles away</p>
+<p class="i0">Can pitch it to their Lordships</p>
+<p class="i2">At any time of day.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The cruisers prowl observant;</p>
+<p class="i2">Their crackling whispers go;</p>
+<p class="i0">The demon says, "Your servant,"</p>
+<p class="i2">And lets their Lordships know;</p>
+<p class="i0">A fog's come down off Flanders?</p>
+<p class="i2">A something showed off Wick?</p>
+<p class="i0">The captains and commanders</p>
+<p class="i2">Can speak their Lordships quick.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The demon sits a-waking;</p>
+<p class="i2">Look up above Whitehall&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">E'en now, mayhap, he's taking</p>
+<p class="i2">The Greatest Word of all;</p>
+<p class="i0">From smiling folk aboard-ships</p>
+<p class="i2">He ticks it off the reel:&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">"An' may it please your Lordships,</p>
+<p class="i2">A Fleet's put out o' Kiel!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Much indecision prevails as to what the
+value of sultanas will be in the near future."</p></blockquote>
+<p class="author"><i>Daily Telegraph.</i></p>
+<p>What the Germans want to know is
+the price of Sultans.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_396" id="Page_396">[Pg 396]</a></span>
+
+<h2>BLANCHE'S LETTERS.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="sc">War Gossip</span>.</center>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Park Lane.</i></p>
+
+<p class="salute">Dearest Daphne,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>The situation here is unchanged, though we have
+made some progress in knitting. Forgive
+me, <i>m'amie</i>, but one does get so
+much into the <i>despatch</i> habit! The
+other day I'd a letter from Babs, in
+which she told me she'd "nothing
+fresh to report on her right wing"
+before she pulled herself together.</p>
+
+<p>Norty's at the front as a flying-man.
+He's finding out all sorts of things,
+dropping bombs on Zeppelins and
+covering himself with glory. I had a
+few lines from him last week. He
+dated from "A place in Europe" (they
+have to be <i>enormously</i> cautious!), and
+said he was having the time of his life.
+He was immensely pleased with the
+last letter I managed to get through to
+him, and was particularly struck, he
+says, with my advice to him: "Find out
+all you can, and above all don't get
+caught;" he considers it simply <i>invaluable</i>
+advice and says all airmen ought
+to have it written up in letters of gold
+somewhere or other.</p>
+
+<p>Stella Clackmannan's had a fortnight's
+training as a nurse and is off.
+I ran in to see the dear thing the night
+before she left. She'd been posing to
+a photographer in her Red Cross uniform
+for <i>hours</i> and <i>hours</i> and was almost
+in a state of <i>collapse</i>; but the
+heroic darling said she was ready to do
+even <i>more than that</i> for her country.
+In one photo she's sitting by a cot
+with her hands folded, looking sad but
+<i>very</i> sweet. In another she's standing
+up, singing, "It's a long way to Tipperary;"
+and in a third she's bandaging
+someone (she had one of the foot-men
+in for this photo), and, <i>&agrave; mon avis</i>,
+it's the least successful of all. She
+appears to be <i>choking</i> the poor man!
+However, they're immensely charming,
+and will all be seen in the "Aristocratic
+Angels of Mercy" page of next week's
+<i>People of Position</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Dear Professor Dimsdale has only just
+got back to England from his eclipse
+expedition. I'm not sure now whether
+it was an eclipse or an occultation, but
+anyhow the only place where it could
+be properly seen was a mountain in
+the Austrian Tyrol. It was due in the
+middle of August, and the last week in
+July the Professor set off with his big
+telescope and his lenses and his assistants
+and his note-books and everything
+that was his. He lived a week
+or two on the mountain, to get used
+to the atmosphere and prepare all his
+things, so he didn't know what was
+going on in the world below. And then,
+just as the eclipse or whatever it was
+<i>began</i>, and the Professor was looking
+up at the sky for all he was worth,
+a lot of fearful creatures came rushing
+up the mountain and said there was
+a war and that he was an alien enemy
+and that he was making signals and
+that his big telescope was a new sort of
+howitzer; and they pushed him down
+the mountain, and broke his telescope
+and all his lenses, and tore up his note-books,
+and shook their fists at him and
+used such language that he said for the
+first time in his life he was sorry he
+was such a good linguist!</p>
+
+<p>They finished by shutting him up in
+a fortress, and there he's been ever
+since. He hardly knows how it was
+he got away, but he believes the whole
+garrison was marched off to meet the
+Russians, and that they're all prisoners
+now&mdash;which is his only drop of comfort.
+I've tried to console him for having
+missed what he went to see. I said,
+"Perhaps the eclipse or whatever it
+was will happen again soon&mdash;or one
+like it." He groaned out, "My dear
+lady, that particular conjunction of the
+heavenly bodies will not occur again
+for 2,645 years, 9 months, 3 weeks and
+2 days." So there it is, my dearest!</p>
+
+<p>Would it cheer you up to hear a
+small romance of war and knitting?
+Here it is, then. Some time ago
+Monica Jermyn brought round some
+terrific mitts she'd knitted to go in one
+of my parcels for the troops. She's
+easily the worst knitter who ever held
+needles! "My <i>dear</i> child," I said, "what
+simply ghastly mitts! They're full of
+mistakes." "What's it matter?"
+Monica answered. "Mistakes will keep
+them quite as warm as the right
+stitches. Besides, they're all right. I
+knit ever so much better now than
+when I used to make socks for the Deep
+Sea Fisherman last year." "That's
+not saying much," I said. "I remember
+those socks for the Deep Sea Fishermen,
+and I doubt whether even the
+<i>deepest</i> sea fishermen would know how
+to put them on! What's this?" "It's
+a message to go with the mitts,"
+replied Monica. This was the message:&mdash;"The
+girl who made these mitts
+hopes they will be a comfort to some
+dear brave hands fighting for her and
+her sisters in England." "Oh, my
+<i>dear</i>!" I remonstrated. "It's very
+<i>young</i> and <i>romantic</i> of you, but don't
+you think it's <i>just</i> a little&mdash;&mdash;" "No,
+I don't!" she cried. "And if it is, I
+don't care. Please, please let it go!"
+So it went.</p>
+
+<p>Soon after that the Jermyns went
+down to their place in Sussex, and
+later I heard they'd some convalescent
+war heroes as guests. Monica wrote
+me: "All six of them are dear brave
+darlings, of course, but <i>one</i> of them is
+<i>darlinger</i> than the others. Tell it not
+in Gath, dear Blanche, but I think
+I've met my fate!" Later she wrote:
+"He's getting on splendidly. He
+turns out to be a cousin of the Flummerys.
+He performed <i>prodigies</i> of
+valour, but won't say a <i>word</i> about it.
+When he leaves us my heart will quite,
+<i>quite</i> break&mdash;and I sometimes hope <i>his</i>
+will too!"</p>
+
+<p>Yesterday came the following:&mdash;"Claude
+and I belong to each other.
+And what, oh <i>what</i> do you think
+helped to lead up to the dear, delicious
+finale? But wait. My hero is
+almost quite well now, and this morning,
+when we took what would have
+been our <i>last</i> little walk in the grounds,
+it happened! He walks <i>beautifully</i>
+now, though he still needs an arm at
+about the level of <i>mine</i> to lean on. It
+was a chilly morning and, as I was
+looking down and trying to think of
+something to say, I gave a sudden
+shriek, for on his dear heroic wrists
+I recognised&mdash;<i>My Mitts</i>! And when
+he heard I'd made them he was just
+as <i>confondu</i> as I was. 'They were in
+a bale of comfies sent to my company,'
+he said, 'and I had the ladling out of
+them to the men. But when I came
+to these mitts, with the sweet little
+message pinned to them, I simply
+couldn't part with them! And to think
+<i>you</i> made them&mdash;and wrote the little
+message! It makes one believe in all
+those psychic what-d'-you-call-'ems.'</p>
+
+<p>"I felt a crisis was coming and so I
+said hurriedly, 'Oh, I only wish they
+were worthier of&mdash;of&mdash;brave hands and
+wrists. I'm a wretched knitter&mdash;they're
+full of mistakes&mdash;I kept forgetting to
+keep to the pattern&mdash;it ought to have
+been, "<i>knit</i> two together and <i>make</i> one"&mdash;but
+of course you don't understand
+knitting.' 'I understand it right
+enough if <i>that's</i> all there is to it,' he
+said. "Knit two together and make
+one." Monica&mdash;no, you mustn't run
+away&mdash;&mdash; ' And that's all you're going
+to be told, Blanche, except that the
+powers that be have given their consent
+and I'm too happy for words!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Et voil&agrave; mon petit roman de guerre
+et de tricotage.</i></p>
+
+<p>My poor Josiah is still at the uttermost
+edge of beyond. He began to
+come home, and the boat was chased
+and ran to an island for shelter, and
+then the island was taken by one of
+our enemies and he was a prisoner.
+Then it was retaken by one of the
+Allies and he was free again. Since
+then more things have happened and
+he's been a prisoner again, and free
+again. And now he's lost count, and
+says he doesn't know <i>what</i> he is or
+<i>who's</i> got the island!</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Ever thine,</p>
+
+<p class="author">Blanche.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_397" id="Page_397">[Pg 397]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/397.png">
+<img src="images/397.png" width="100%" alt="Many recruits gone from this village?" /></a>
+<p><i>Cyclist.</i> "<span class="sc">Many recruits gone from this village</span>?"</p>
+<p><i>Shopkeeper.</i> "<span class="sc">No, Sir</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Cyclist.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, why's that</span>?"</p>
+<p><i>Shopkeeper.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, Sir, after going carefully into the matter, we, in this neighbourhood, decided to remain
+absolutely neutral</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>FATHER WILHELM.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"You are bold, Father <span class="sc">Wilhelm</span>," the young man said;</p>
+<p class="i2">"Your moustache, too, is fiercer than mine;</p>
+<p class="i0">But I'm tempted to ask by the size of your head,</p>
+<p class="i2">Do you really suppose you're divine?"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"In my youth," said his father, "you probably know</p>
+<p class="i2">That I held the most orthodox views;</p>
+<p class="i0">But since I have hypnotized <span class="sc">Harnack</span> and <span class="sc">Co.</span></p>
+<p class="i2">I simply believe what I choose."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"You are bold," said the youth, "as I've mentioned before,</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet you frequently talk through your hat;</p>
+<p class="i0">For you told us the English were worthless in war;</p>
+<p class="i2">Pray what was the reason of that?"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"In my earlier days," said his sire, "through and through</p>
+<p class="i2">I studied that decadent race,</p>
+<p class="i0">And in failing to prove that my forecast was true</p>
+<p class="i2">They have covered themselves with disgrace."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"You are bold," said the youth, "and the Nietzschean creed</p>
+<p class="i2">Cries, 'Down with the humble and meek;'</p>
+<p class="i0">Yet the sack of Louvain made your bosom to bleed;</p>
+<p class="i2">Why were you so painfully weak?"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"In my youth," said his father, "I studied the Arts</p>
+<p class="i2">With a zeal that no force could restrain;</p>
+<p class="i0">And the love of mankind which that study imparts</p>
+<p class="i2">Has made me unduly humane."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"You <i>were</i> bold," said the youth, "but it seems to be clear</p>
+<p class="i2">That you're losing your grit and your fire;</p>
+<p class="i0">And, if I may whisper the hint in your ear,</p>
+<p class="i2">Don't you think that you ought to retire?"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"I've answered three questions," the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> replied,</p>
+<p class="i2">"That might baffle the wit of a <span class="sc">Zancig</span>;</p>
+<p class="i0">I'm tired of your talk and I'm sick of your 'side':</p>
+<p class="i2">Be off, or I'll send you to Danzig."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The Way of the Turk.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The position of Turkey is muddled and murky,</p>
+<p class="i2">But the course she's resolved to pursue</p>
+<p class="i0">Is true to her mind, which we constantly find</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>&Agrave; l'Enver(s) et contre tous.</i></p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Hun and the Tartar stand together&mdash;<i>par mobile patrum</i>."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Newcastle Daily Journal.</i></p>
+
+<p>We cannot speak with equal confidence of the head of the
+Tartars, but the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> certainly makes a very mobile
+parent.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_398" id="Page_398">[Pg 398]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/398.png">
+<img src="images/398.png" width="100%" alt="Cavalry Instructor" /></a>
+<p><i>Cavalry Instructor</i> (<i>to nervous Recruit</i>). "<span class="sc">Now then; none o' them Cossack stunts 'ere</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+<center>VII.</center>
+
+<p class="salute">Dear Charles,&mdash;</p>
+<p>We haven't gone yet. Upon my word, we don't know
+what to do about it. We start off for
+the Continent and then we halt and
+ask ourselves, "Won't they be wanting
+us to go to Egypt and have a word
+with the enemy there?" So we come
+back and change our underclothes and
+start out again; but we haven't got far
+before a persistent subaltern starts a
+scare about invasions. At that we
+halt again and have a pow-wow. Thick
+underclothes for the Continent; thin
+underclothes for Egypt, but what underclothes
+for home defence? And that,
+old man, is the real difficulty about
+war: what clothes are you to make it
+in? Our official programme is, however,
+clearly defined now. It is this:
+We sail on or about&mdash;&mdash; to&mdash;&mdash;, and
+thence to&mdash;&mdash;, pausing for a cup of
+tea at&mdash;&mdash;. We then change direction
+left and turn down by the butcher's
+shop and up past the post-office. Here
+we form fours, form two deep, slope
+arms, order arms, present arms, trail
+arms, ground arms, take up arms, pile
+arms, unpile arms, move to the right
+in fours, by the left, left wheel. The
+essence of these man&oelig;uvres is that
+they make it impossible for even the
+most acute enemy to guess which is
+our real direction. He gathers that it
+is one of two things: it is either right
+or, failing that, left. But which?
+Ah, that is the secret! Sometimes I
+am in some doubt myself after having
+given the order.</p>
+
+<p>Our musical <i>repertoire</i> is extensive,
+and, I venture to think, very aptly
+and poetically expresses the feelings
+of soldiers in the several aspects of
+military life. Their deep-seated respect
+for ceremonial is expressed thus, to the
+<i>Faust</i> airs:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"All soldiers live on bread and jam;</p>
+<p class="i0">All soldiers eat it instead o' ham.</p>
+<p class="i0">And every morning we hear the Colonel say,</p>
+<p class="i0">'Form fours! Eyes right! Jam for dinner to-day!'"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>His heart's sorrow upon leaving his
+fatherland is rendered exactly thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"The ship is now in motion;</p>
+<p class="i0">We're going to cross the Ocean.</p>
+<p class="i6">Good bye-er!</p>
+<p class="i6">Fare-well-er!</p>
+<p class="i0">Farewell for ever-mo-er!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And lastly his deep concern for his
+country's and his own and everybody's
+welfare is thus put:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"I don't care if the ship goes down,</p>
+<p class="i2">It doesn't belong to me."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>We had a Divisional Field Day yesterday.
+Recollecting a previous experience,
+the G.O.C. sent for his three
+Brigadiers, when the division was
+assembled for action, and, it seems,
+said to them, "There must be less
+noise." The Brigadiers, returning to the
+field, called out each his four battalion-commanders
+and said to them, distinctly,
+"There must be less noise."
+The twelve battalion-commanders called
+out each his eight company-commanders,
+who called out each his four
+section-commanders, and in every instance
+was repeated, quite audibly, the
+same utterance, "There must be less
+noise." Three hundred and eighty-four
+section-commanders were engaged in
+impressing this order, with all the emphasis
+it deserved, upon the men, when
+the General rode on to the field. His
+anger was extreme. "<span class="sc">There must be
+less noise</span>!" said he.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yours ever,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Henry</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Press also avoids very carefully all
+discussion of the status of the Goeben and
+the Breslau. Practically the only reference
+to the subject is a remark in the <i>Frankfurter
+Zeitung</i> that Turkey has alone to decide what
+ships are to fly under her flag."&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>If Turkey decides that the <i>Goeben</i> is to
+fly, we hope she will warn the man who
+works the searchlights at Charing Cross.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_399" id="Page_399">[Pg 399]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/399.png">
+<img src="images/399.png" width="100%" alt="A GLORIOUS EXAMPLE." /></a>
+<h4>A GLORIOUS EXAMPLE.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">Able-bodied Civilian</span> (<i>to Territorial</i>). "THAT OUGHT TO GIVE YOU A GOOD LEAD, MATE."</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Territorial</span>. "YES&mdash;AND I MEAN TO TAKE IT! WHAT ABOUT <i>YOU</i>?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_400" id="Page_400">[Pg 400]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_401" id="Page_401">[Pg 401]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/401.png">
+<img src="images/401.png" width="100%" alt="A Prussian Court-painter earning an Iron Cross" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><span class="sc">A Prussian Court-painter earning an Iron Cross by painting pictures in praise of the Fatherland for neutral consumption</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"CHARLIE" BERESFORD.</h2>
+
+<center>By <span class="sc">Toby</span>, M.P.</center>
+
+<p>"Lord Charles has broken his
+chest-bone&mdash;a piece of which was cut
+out in his boyhood leaving a cavity&mdash;his
+pelvis, right leg, right hand, foot,
+five ribs, one collar-bone three times,
+the other once, his nose three times."
+Thus Mr. <span class="sc">Cope Cornford</span> in one of
+the notes with which he illuminates the
+<i>Memoirs of Admiral Lord Charles Beresford</i>,
+published by Messrs. <span class="sc">Methuen</span>
+in two volumes, illustrated with a score
+of plates, the portrait of Lady <span class="sc">Charles</span>
+adding the charm of rare beauty to the
+collection.</p>
+
+<p>For many years I have been honoured
+by the friendship of Lord
+<span class="sc">Charles</span>, and have had frequent opportunity
+of witnessing his multiform
+supremacy. Till I read this amazing
+catalogue of calamities, I never dreamt
+that among other claims to distinction
+he might have been billed as The
+Fractured Man, principal attraction in
+a travelling show, eclipsing the One-Legged
+Camel, the Tinted Zebra, and the
+Weird-Eyed Wanton from the Crusty
+North, who can sing in five languages
+"It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary."
+Ignoring the monotony of experience
+suffered by the ribs, and noting the obtrusiveness
+of one collar-bone, we may,
+with slight variation from a formula
+in use by the <span class="sc">Speaker</span> in the House
+of Commons, declare "The Nose has
+it." Happily no one regarding Lord
+<span class="sc">Charles's</span> cheery countenance would
+guess that its most prominent feature
+had been "broken three times."</p>
+
+<p>Here is a man whose life should be
+written. Fortunately the task has been
+undertaken by Lord <span class="sc">Charles</span> himself,
+and the world is richer by a book which,
+instructive in many ways, valuable as
+throwing side-lights on the slow advance
+of the Navy to the proud position
+which it holds to-day on the North
+Sea, bubbles over with humour.</p>
+
+<p>Record opens in the year 1859, when
+Lord <span class="sc">Charles</span> entered the Navy, closing
+just half-a-century later, when he hauled
+down his flag and permanently came
+ashore. Within the space of fifty years
+there is crammed a life of adventure
+richly varied in range. A man of
+exuberant individuality, which has
+occasional tendency to obscure supreme
+capacity, of fearless courage, gifted
+with a combination of wit and humour,
+Lord <span class="sc">Charles</span> is the handy-man to
+whom in emergency everyone looked
+not only for counsel but for help. It is
+a paradox, but a probability, that had
+he been duller-witted, a more ponderous
+person, he would have carried more
+weight alike in the councils of the Admiralty
+at Whitehall and of the nation
+at Westminster.</p>
+
+<p>As these memoirs testify, behind a
+smiling countenance he hides an unbending
+resolution to serve the public
+interest, whether aboard ship or in his
+place in Parliament. Perhaps the most
+familiar incident in his professional
+career is his exploit during the bombardment
+of Alexandria, when the signal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_402" id="Page_402">[Pg 402]</a></span>
+flashed from the flag-ship, "Well done,
+<i>Condor</i>." A more substantial service
+was his command of what he describes
+as "the penny steamer" <i>Safieh</i>, whose
+man&oelig;uvring on the Nile amid desperate
+circumstances averted from Sir <span class="sc">Charles
+Wilson's</span> desert column, hastening to
+the rescue of <span class="sc">Gordon</span>, the fate which
+earlier had befallen <span class="sc">Stewart</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Another splendid piece of work was
+accomplished when, after the bombardment
+of Alexandria he was appointed
+Provost-Marshal and Chief of Police,
+and had committed to his charge the
+task of restoring order. His conspicuous
+success on this occasion bore fruit
+many years later when he was offered
+the post of Chief Commissioner of Police
+in the Metropolis. His story of the
+Egyptian and Soudan Wars, carried
+through several chapters, is a valuable
+contribution to history.
+It suggests that, all other
+avenues to fame closed
+against him, Lord <span class="sc">Charles</span>
+would have made an enduring
+name as a war
+correspondent.</p>
+
+<p>It is a circumstance incredible,
+save in view of
+the authority upon which
+it is stated, that, as part
+of the reward for his
+splendid service in the
+Soudan, Lord <span class="sc">Charles</span>
+narrowly escaped compulsory
+retirement from
+the Service before he had
+completed the time required
+to qualify for Flag
+Rank. The Queen's Regulations
+ordained that before
+a captain could win
+this prized position he
+must have completed a period of from
+five to six years of active service. In
+1892, Lord <span class="sc">Charles</span>, the flag almost
+in reach of his hand, applied for permission
+to count-in the 315 days he was
+strenuously and brilliantly at work in
+the Soudan. The Board of Admiralty,
+invulnerable in their environment of
+red tape, refused the request, repeating
+the <i>non possumus</i> when on two
+subsequent occasions the request was
+preferred.</p>
+
+<p>It must be admitted that the Board
+had no reason to regard Lord <span class="sc">Charles</span>
+with favour or even with equanimity.
+When returned to Parliament, the man
+who had superintended the mending of
+the boiler on the penny steamboat on the
+Nile, devoted himself to the bigger task
+of mending the Navy, at that time in
+an equally pitiful condition. During
+his brief and solitary term of office as
+Junior Lord of the Admiralty, Lord
+<span class="sc">Charles</span>, who thought he was put
+there to do some work, drew up a
+memorandum on the necessity of creating
+at the Admiralty a Naval Intelligence
+Department. The memorandum
+was laid before the Board, and the
+Junior Lord was told he was meddling
+with high matters that did not come
+within the scope of his business. A
+few weeks later a Naval Intelligence
+Department (of a sort) was created.
+<i>Sic vos non vobis.</i></p>
+
+<p>'Twas ever thus. Lord <span class="sc">Charles</span>,
+whether in office, on active service, or
+from his familiar place above the Gangway
+in the House of Commons, bringing
+to bear upon Naval affairs the gift
+of keen intuition and the endowment
+of long practical experience, has, with
+one exception, done more than any
+man living to deliver the Navy from
+mistakes inevitable in the case of the
+over-lordship of a civilian who is subject
+to currents of political and party feeling.
+By way of reward he has received more
+kicks than ha'pence.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/402.png">
+<img src="images/402.png" width="100%" alt="GERMANISED TURKEY." /></a>
+<h4>GERMANISED TURKEY.</h4>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Dere you are, mein friendt; der same old flag mit a <i>leedle</i>
+difference</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ANOTHER RUINED TRADE.</h2>
+
+<p>I had secured an empty compartment.
+Something in my blood makes me rush
+for an empty compartment. I suppose
+it is because I am a Briton, yet it was
+another Briton who intruded upon my
+privacy.</p>
+
+<p>At the first glance I saw that he
+would talk to me about the&mdash;well, what
+do you expect? I can always tell when
+men want to talk about it. Would
+that I had the same subtle instinct
+when they wish to borrow money!
+I was ready for him. If he said, "Have
+you heard?" I was going to answer,
+"About the <span class="sc">Secretary of State for
+War</span> ordering Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span> to be imprisoned
+in the Tower as a spy? Why,
+my brother-in-law told me all about it
+last week."</p>
+
+<p>Instead he put his hand on my knee
+and asked, "Are you a German?"</p>
+
+<p>"Unless I am descended from <span class="sc">Hengist</span>
+or <span class="sc">Horsa</span>," I replied, "there isn't
+an atom of culture in me."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I can confide in you. A
+disturbance is advancing in this direction
+from Eastern Europe."</p>
+
+<p>"You mean that the <span class="sc">Crown Prince</span>
+is retreating towards us from Poland?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," he snapped. "And another
+disturbance is coming from the vicinity
+of Iceland."</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens! This is too much.
+At my time of life how am I to learn
+how to pronounce Pzreykjavik."</p>
+
+<p>"Let me tell you what I prophesy
+for the next few days. Saturday will
+be bright."</p>
+
+<p>"Splendid! A cheerful week-end will
+do us all good."</p>
+
+<p>"Sunday will be gloomy,
+and on Monday will come
+the downfall."</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">William's</span> or ours?"</p>
+
+<p>"Accompanied by strong
+south-westerly winds,
+rising to a gale, and a rapid
+fall of the barometer. So
+now you know. My mind
+is easy. I have told someone.
+I have been cruelly
+censored&mdash;only allowed to
+predict just wet or fine
+from day to day. I felt
+that I must tell someone.
+The Censor and Count
+<span class="sc">Zeppelin</span> between them
+were killing me."</p>
+
+<p>I pitied the agony of the
+professional weather forecaster.
+I promised to respect
+his confidence. I
+left the carriage proud of
+the fact that I was one of the two
+men in England who knew what
+Saturday's weather would be. That is
+why I left my umbrella at home while
+apparently every other man took his
+out. It is also the reason why my new
+topper was ruined. And now I wonder
+whether the prophet was mistaken, or
+whether at the last moment he detected
+signs of culture in me and lied.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>From an Indian paper:&mdash;</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The Germans are continuing the questionable
+tactics of sowing floating mines in
+neutral waters to the danger of neutral shipping,
+as well as of British and French war
+vessels. They are apparently tying them in
+Paris, so as to make it more difficult to avoid
+them."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>As a result, the <i>Iron Duke</i> has had to
+give up entirely its morning run down
+the Rue de Rivoli. At the same time
+we are glad to hear that these floating
+mines are tied. It stops them from
+floating quite so much.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_403" id="Page_403">[Pg 403]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>IN THE WINGS.</h2>
+
+<p>(<span class="sc">Note</span>: <i>If this essay in the well-informed
+manner achieves any success,
+the credit is largely due to the timely
+interruptions of the Censor.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>Few people, I think, realise the
+tremendous significance of waterproof
+overalls in a war like the present. I
+was talking to one of our most prominent
+Midland manufacturers at Sheringham
+the other day and he remarked
+confidentially [passage deleted by the
+Censor] at fifteen per cent. reduction
+to our soldiers for spot cash.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Which reminds me of a stifling
+Malta afternoon, when I first saw the
+good ship <i>Sheringham</i> steam slowly up
+through the haze of Sliema Creek. It
+was in the early days of the Navy's
+grey-paint era. The change was a
+drastic one, as all service-men admitted.
+And why grey? I make no secret of
+the fact that I have always advocated
+ultramarine for the Mediterranean station;
+but the Grey Water School, you
+know&mdash;well, there, I must not be
+indiscreet.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Life on a cruiser may be the tally
+for some, but give me the nimble t.b.d.!
+There you have none of "the great
+monotony of sea" which drove W.M.T.
+to his five meals a day. Nothing but
+the charming <i>fraternit&eacute;</i> of the ward-room,
+the delightful inconsequences of
+the chart-house kitten, and the throb
+of the oil-fed turbine! Unless I am
+greatly mistaken [passage deleted by the
+Censor&mdash;which shows that I wasn't].</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>I was dining the other evening at
+the Buckingham Palace with a friend
+who is well known in Foreign Office
+circles. The conversation turned, naturally
+enough, on the dangers in our
+midst from foreign waiters. The English
+waiter who was attending us happened
+at the moment to dislodge with
+his elbow a wine-list which, in falling,
+decanted a quantity of Sauterne into
+the lap of my <i>vis-&agrave;-vis</i>, who remarked
+[passage deleted by the Censor].</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>I learn from reliable sources that one
+wing of our "contemptible little army"
+is resting upon &mdash;&mdash;. Dear old &mdash;&mdash;!
+How often have I wandered down
+your sleepy little High Street to the
+<i>&eacute;picerie</i> of our lively old <i>Th&eacute;r&egrave;se</i>! But
+that was in the old days, before the
+black arts of Kaiserism transformed the
+peace of yesterday into the Armageddon
+of to-day. Next week I shall deal
+more intimately with life behind the
+scenes in German frontier towns; but
+you must wait with what patience you
+can for these further confidences.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/403.png">
+<img src="images/403.png" width="100%" alt="No, Sir, they wouldn&#39;t take our Fred" /></a><br /><br />
+<p>"<span class="sc">No, Sir, they wouldn't take our Fred, 'cos they said he'd a-got
+bellicose veins</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GREY GIBBONS.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">With fingers too canny to bungle,</p>
+<p class="i2">With footsteps too cunning to swerve,</p>
+<p class="i0">They swing through the heights of the jungle,</p>
+<p class="i2">These stalwarts of infinite nerve;</p>
+<p class="i0">Blithe sailors who heed not the breezes</p>
+<p class="i2">Which play round their riggings and spars,</p>
+<p class="i0">Lithe gymnasts who live on trapezes</p>
+<p class="i4">And parallel bars.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In ballrooms of plantain and mango</p>
+<p class="i2">They scamper, they slither and slide</p>
+<p class="i0">In the throes of a tropical tango,</p>
+<p class="i2">In the grip of a Gibbony glide;</p>
+<p class="i0">'Tis thus in these desolate spaces,</p>
+<p class="i2">Away from humanity's ken,</p>
+<p class="i0">They mimic the civilised races</p>
+<p class="i4">And strive to be men.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">As the grey little acrobats patter</p>
+<p class="i2">O'er creepers of myriad shapes,</p>
+<p class="i0">They mouth not the meaningless chatter</p>
+<p class="i2">Of dull and demoralised apes;</p>
+<p class="i0">But, proud of their portion as creatures</p>
+<p class="i2">Who know not the stigma of tails,</p>
+<p class="i0">They screw up their weather-worn features</p>
+<p class="i4">And practise their scales.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And oft in this primitive Eden</p>
+<p class="i2">When I study some antic that hints</p>
+<p class="i0">At the physical fitness of Sweden,</p>
+<p class="i2">The speed of American sprints,</p>
+<p class="i0">I dream of the wreaths and the ribbons</p>
+<p class="i2">Their prowess would certainly win,</p>
+<p class="i0">If there weren't any war, and my gibbons</p>
+<p class="i4">Could go to Berlin.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author">J. M. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_404" id="Page_404">[Pg 404]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MY FAVOURITE PAPER.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="sc">By a Voracious Reader</span>.</center>
+
+<p>All day long I read the papers that
+keep this little island noisy and tell us
+how we ought to be governed. I can't
+help it. I want to know the latest, and
+reading the papers seems (more or less)
+the way to get at it. The best way of
+all, of course, is to meet a man at a club
+or a resident in a locality favoured by
+retired colonels; but, in default of those
+advantages, one must buy the papers.
+And then of course it follows that one
+reads far too many papers and gets one's
+head far too full of war news. Still,
+what would you have? The war is
+so eminently first and everything else
+nowhere that this is inevitable.</p>
+
+<p>Outside suggestion has its share, too.
+Morning papers are a matter of course.
+One reads one's regular morning papers
+and no others. But after that the
+trouble begins with the evening paper
+placards, each with its lure. How can
+one resist them? The progress of the
+Allies! The repulsing of the enemy!
+The ten miles gained! The Russian
+advance! A German cruiser sunk!
+Each newsman has a different bait, and
+as the day goes on they become more
+attractive, so that one goes to bed at
+night filled with optimism. Well,
+these all have to be bought.</p>
+
+<p>Speaking as a reader of too many of
+them I must admit to a grievance or
+two; and the chief is the difficulty that
+we have in finding the fulfilment of all
+the promises which are set out in the
+headings to the principal war news.
+For example, I find among these
+headings on the day on which I write
+a reference to a German admission of
+failure and dismay. But can I find the
+thing itself? I cannot. It may be there,
+but again and again has my eye
+travelled up and down the columns
+seeking the nutritious morsel and not
+yet has it alighted thereon, and that is
+but one case out of many. Sometimes
+after a long hunt I do track these joyful
+tit-bits down, and then discover that
+they are separated from the heading by
+several columns. Some day a newspaper
+editor will arise who can achieve
+a really useful index to his contents.
+<i>The Times</i> used to have something of
+the sort, but under the stress of battle
+that has gone.</p>
+
+<p>Another grievance&mdash;but I shall say
+no more on that subject. Grievances
+are for peace time, when a general
+huffiness and stuffiness about the way
+that everyone else conducts business is
+natural and indeed expected. In wartime
+no one should be harassed by
+criticism. So I pass on to the paper
+which I like best of all those now being
+published. I like it because it contains
+the news I most want to read, and
+every day, or rather every night, it gets
+better and will continue to get better
+until the Brandenberg gate opens to let
+the Allies in. This paper is not a
+morning paper and not an evening
+paper. It is published at night, in the
+smallest of the small hours, and I am its
+sole subscriber, for it is the paper of my
+dreams. Whether or not I am its editor
+I could not say. That question leads
+to the greater one which would need a
+volume for its decision: Do we compose
+our own dreams, or are they provided
+by Ole Luk Oie or some other dream-spinner?
+Anyway, no one can read the
+paper of my dreams but I, and it is,
+after all, the best reading. It contains
+the oddest things. Last night it had
+a fine article about a football match in
+the North of England. Twenty-two
+terrific fellows, whose united salaries
+came to a respectable fortune and
+whose united transfer fees, should their
+Clubs ever let them go, would be
+sufficient to build a <i>Dreadnought</i>, had
+been charging up and down the ground
+in a series of magnificent rushes, while
+ten thousand North of England lads
+roared themselves hoarse to see such
+glory. Suddenly a newspaper boy,
+reckless of his life, dashed on to the
+ground with a placard stating that
+a whole regiment of British soldiers
+had been trapped by a German ruse
+and annihilated. In an instant the
+game was broken up and every player
+and every spectator who was of age
+ran like hares to the nearest recruiting
+office and enrolled themselves as
+soldiers. They had seen in a flash
+that the only chance for England to
+get rid of this German menace was for
+every eligible man to do his share.</p>
+
+<p>In another part of the paper I read
+of a young and powerful man in an
+English village who, on being asked if
+he did not think that England was in
+danger, replied "Yes." He was then
+asked if he did not think that it was
+necessary to fight for her, and he
+replied "Yes" again. He was then
+asked who in his opinion were the
+most suitable volunteers to come to
+her aid, and he replied, "Other people."
+So far the story is not appreciably
+different from a story that you might
+read anywhere. But the version in
+my paper stated that he was seized by
+all the company present and not only
+ducked in the nearest horse-pond but
+held under the water for quite a long
+time, and then held under the water
+again.</p>
+
+<p>And another article&mdash;a most exciting
+one&mdash;described the success of a British
+aviator who flew over Essen and
+dropped five bombs on <span class="sc">Krupp's</span> gun
+factory and did irreparable damage.
+I forget his name, but, although he was
+pursued, he got clear away and returned
+to the Allies' lines. There was a fellow
+for you!</p>
+
+<p>So you see that I get some good
+reading out of my favourite paper.
+And more is to come!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PRICE OF WAR.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Now woe is me! My treasure, my delight,</p>
+<p class="i2">My guerdon after many toilsome days,</p>
+<p class="i0">Shall gladden me no more. It was a sight</p>
+<p class="i2">To bid men gape in wonderment, and praise</p>
+<p class="i0">My patient courage that endured despite</p>
+<p class="i2">The gibes of friends and Delia's pitying ways.</p>
+<p class="i4">Ah, cruel fate that forced my hand to snip</p>
+<p class="i4">Such costly growth as graced my upper lip!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Moustache most cherished! Not as other men</p>
+<p class="i2">That let their lush growth riot as it will,</p>
+<p class="i0">With just a formal waxing now and then,</p>
+<p class="i2">Did I maintain it. Nay, with loving skill</p>
+<p class="i0">And all the precious oils within the ken</p>
+<p class="i2">Of cunning alchemists I strove until</p>
+<p class="i4">Its soaring points aspired to pierce the skies,</p>
+<p class="i4">And I was martial in my Delia's eyes.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Great store of gold I lavished. Yea, I went</p>
+<p class="i2">To one that works in metals and I bought</p>
+<p class="i0">A kind of dreadful iron instrument</p>
+<p class="i2">With leathern straps, most wonderfully wrought,</p>
+<p class="i0">And wore that horror nightly, well content</p>
+<p class="i2">To bear such anguish for the prize I sought.</p>
+<p class="i4">And all this patient toil was thrown away&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">They stoned me for the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> yesterday!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>At a time when every penny that
+can be spared is needed for the help
+of our soldiers in the field and of our
+wounded, or to relieve the distress of the
+Belgian refugees or our own sufferers
+from the War, a public appeal is being
+made to the citizens of Newcastle-on-Tyne
+for subscriptions to a fund for
+presenting a testimonial to their Lord
+Mayor, on the ground that he has done
+his duty. We beg to offer our respectful
+sympathy to the <span class="sc">Lord Mayor</span> of
+Newcastle-on-Tyne.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_405" id="Page_405">[Pg 405]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/405.png">
+<img src="images/405.png" width="100%" alt="Colonel of Swashbucklers." /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>Colonel of Swashbucklers.</i> "<span class="sc">Nah then, Swank! The wimmin can look arter theirselves. You 'op it and jine yer regiment</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A TOBACCO PLANT.</h2>
+
+<p>I had done the second hole (from the
+vegetable-marrow frame to the mulberry-tree)
+in two, and was about to
+proceed to the third hole by the potting-shed
+when I thought I would go in and
+convey the glad news to Joan. I found
+her seated at the table in the breakfast-room
+with what appeared to be a heap
+of tea spread out upon a newspaper in
+front of her. Little slips of torn tissue-paper
+littered the floor, and on a chair
+by her side were several empty cardboard
+boxes. The sight was so novel
+that I forgot the object of my errand.</p>
+
+<p>"What's all that tea for, and what
+are you doing with it?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"It isn't tea; it's tobacco," Joan
+replied, "and I'm making cigarettes
+for the soldiers at the front."</p>
+
+<p>"Where on earth did you get that
+tobacco from, if it <i>is</i> tobacco?" I
+went on.</p>
+
+<p>"Let me see now," mused Joan,
+pausing to lick a cigarette-paper&mdash;"was
+it from the greengrocer's or the
+butcher's? Ah! I remember. It was
+from the tobacconist's."</p>
+
+<p>Joan gets like that sometimes, but I
+do not encourage her.</p>
+
+<p>"But what made you choose this
+Hottentot stuff?" I enquired.</p>
+
+<p>"The soldiers like it strong," Joan
+replied, "and this looked about the
+strongest he'd got."</p>
+
+<p>"What does it call itself?"</p>
+
+<p>"It was anonymous when I bought
+it, but you'll no doubt see its name on
+the bill when it comes in."</p>
+
+<p>"Thanks very much," I said. "That's
+what I should call forcible fleecing.
+Not that I mind in a good cause&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't it ingenious?" interrupted
+Joan. "You just put the tobacco in
+between the rollers, and twiddle this
+button round until&mdash;until you've
+twiddled it round enough; then you
+slip in a cigarette-paper&mdash;like that&mdash;moisten
+the edge of it&mdash;twiddle the
+button round once more&mdash;open the lid&mdash;and
+shake out the finished article&mdash;<i>comme
+&ccedil;a!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>An imperfect cylindrical object fell
+on to the floor. I stooped to pick it up
+and the inside fell out. I collected the
+<i>d&eacute;bris</i> in the palm of my hand.</p>
+
+<p>"How many of these have you
+made?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Only three thoroughly reliable ones,
+including <i>that</i> one," she replied. "I've
+rolled ever so many more, but the
+tobacco <i>will</i> fall out."</p>
+
+<p>"Here, let me give you a hand," I
+suggested. "I'll roll and you lick."</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Joan kindly but firmly.
+"You don't quite grasp the situation.
+I want to do something. I can't make
+shirts or knit comforters. I've tried
+and failed. My shirts look like pillow-cases,
+and anything more comfortless
+than my comforters I couldn't imagine.
+I wouldn't ask a beggar to wear an
+article I had made, much less an Absent-Minded
+Beggar."</p>
+
+<p>"What about that tie you knitted for
+me last Christmas?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Joan; "what about it?
+That's what I want to know. You
+haven't worn it once."</p>
+
+<p>It was true, I hadn't. The tie in
+question was an attempt to hybridise
+the respective colour-schemes of a
+tartan plaid and a Neapolitan ice.</p>
+
+<p>"That," I explained, "is because
+I've never had a suit which would set
+it off as it deserves to be set off.
+However, if I can't help I won't hinder
+you. I only came in to say that I had
+done the second hole in two. I thought
+you would like to know I had beaten
+bogey." And I retired, taking with me
+the little heap of tobacco and the hollow
+tube of paper.</p>
+
+<p>When I reached the seclusion of the
+mulberry-tree I found that the paper
+had become ungummed, so I placed
+the tobacco in it and succeeded after
+a while in rolling it up. The result,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_406" id="Page_406">[Pg 406]</a></span>
+though somewhat attenuated, was recognisably
+a cigarette. I lit it, and
+when I had finished coughing I came
+to the conclusion that if only I could
+induce Joan to present her gift to the
+German troops instead of to our
+Tommies it would precipitate our ultimate
+triumph. I had to eat several
+mulberries before I felt capable of proceeding
+to the third hole. When I got
+there (in two) I found it occupied by a
+squadron of wasps while reinforcements
+were rapidly coming up from a hole
+beneath the shed. Being hopelessly
+outnumbered I contented myself with
+a strategical movement necessitating
+several stiff rearguard actions.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Joan, growing a little more proficient,
+had in a couple of days made 500
+cigarettes. I had undertaken to despatch
+them, and one morning she came
+to me with a neatly-tied-up parcel.</p>
+
+<p>"Here they are," she said; "but you
+must ask at the Post Office how they
+should be addressed. I've stuck on a
+label."</p>
+
+<p>I went out, taking the parcel with
+me, and walked straight to the tobacconist's.</p>
+
+<p>"Please pack up 1,000 Hareems," I
+said, "and post them to the British
+Expeditionary Force. Mark the label
+'Cigarettes for the use of the troops.'
+And look here, I owe you for a pound
+of tobacco my wife bought the other
+day. I'll square up for that at the
+same time. By-the-by, what tobacco
+was it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Sir," the man replied, "I
+hardly like to admit it in these times,
+but it was a tobacco grown in German
+East Africa. It really isn't fit to
+smoke, and is only good for destroying
+wasps' nests or fumigating greenhouses,
+which I thought your lady wanted it
+for, seeing as how she picked it out for
+herself. Some ladies nowadays know
+as much about tobacco as what we do."</p>
+
+<p>I left the shop hurriedly. The
+problem of the disposal of Joan's well-meaning
+gift was now solved. I returned
+home and furtively stole up the
+side path into the garden. Under
+cover of the summer-house I undid the
+parcel and proceeded rapidly to strip
+the paper from those of the cigarettes
+that had not already become hollow
+mockeries. When I had collected all
+the tobacco I went in search of the
+gardener, and encountered him returning
+from one of his numerous meals.</p>
+
+<p>"Wilkins," I said, "there is a wasps'
+nest on the third green, and here is
+some special wasp-eradicator. Will
+you conduct the fumigation?"</p>
+
+<p>As Joan and I were walking round
+the garden that evening before dinner
+Joan said&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I don't want to blush to find it
+fame, but&mdash;do you know&mdash;I prefer doing
+good by stealth."</p>
+
+<p>A faint but unmistakable odour was
+borne on the air from the direction of
+the third green.</p>
+
+<p>"So do I," I said.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR NATIONAL GUESTS.</h2>
+
+<p>My wife attributes our success (so
+far) in the entertainment of Belgian
+Refugees solely to the fact that we
+have not, and never have had, a vestige
+of a committee. We all work along in
+the jolliest possible way, and we have
+no meetings, or agenda, or minutes,
+or co-opting of additional members, or
+remitting to executives or anything of
+that kind. We just bring along anything
+that we think will be useful.
+Some of us bring clothes and others
+butter or umbrellas, or French books,
+or razor-strops or cigarettes. Hepburn,
+the dairy farmer, keeps sending
+cart-loads of cabbages; old Miss
+Mackintosh at the Brae Foot sends
+threepence a week. And when we are
+short of anything we just stick up a
+notice to that effect in the village shop.
+I issued a call for jam yesterday and
+ever since it has rained pots and pots.
+We have three large families of Belgians
+and we have already got to the stage
+where the men are at work and the
+children at school&mdash;though no one really
+has the least idea what they do there.</p>
+
+<p>But although I admit that it is
+magnificent to be without a committee&mdash;we
+escaped from that by the simple
+plan of getting the Belgians first and
+trusting to the goodwill of the Parish
+to take care of them afterwards&mdash;there
+are other important factors in our
+success. There is our extraordinary
+foresight&mdash;of course it was a pure fluke
+really&mdash;in obtaining among them a
+real Belgian policeman. You can have
+no idea what a fine sense of security
+that gives us in case anything goes
+wrong. We have already enjoyed his
+assistance in a variety of ways, and we
+have something still in reserve in the
+very unlikely event of his being professionally
+called in&mdash;his uniform.
+When we put him into his uniform
+the effect will be tremendous.</p>
+
+<p>Then again we have the advantage
+of being Scotch. I simply don't know
+how English country people are going
+to get on at all. Here we find that by
+talking with great emphasis in the very
+broadest Scotch&mdash;by simply calling
+soap <i>sape</i> and a church a <i>kirk</i> you
+can quite frequently bring it off and
+make yourself understood. I had a
+most exhilarating hour of mutual
+lucidity with the one that makes
+furniture in the carpenter's shop. It
+seemed to me that he called a saw a
+<i>zog</i>, which was surely quite good
+enough; and when he referred to a
+hammer as a <i>hamer</i> it might surely be
+said to be equivalent to calling a spade
+a spade.</p>
+
+<p>Still the language difficulty remains,
+and the worst of it is that it gives an
+altogether unfair advantage&mdash;where all
+are so anxious to help&mdash;to the few
+select people in our neighbourhood who
+happen to be able, fortuitously, to talk
+French. They are&mdash;(1) Dr. Anderson,
+whose French is very good; (2) my
+wife, who is amazingly fluent in a
+crisis, though her constructions simply
+don't bear thinking of; (3) the school-master,
+who is weak; (4) the joiner,
+who is bad; (5) myself, who am awful.
+Several of our Refugees talk French.</p>
+
+<p>Of course we all have pocket-dictionaries,
+but even they don't always help
+us out. I found my wife once engaged
+in a desperate hand-to-hand encounter
+with the one who does the cooking
+about some household necessity that
+was sadly lacking. She was completely
+baffled. It was pure stalemate,
+a deadlock. I pulled out my dictionary
+and suggested to the cook (by
+illuminative signs) that she should
+look it up and point to the English
+word. There was some rejoicing at
+this, and she at once called upon
+the collective wisdom of her whole
+family. At last they got it with much
+nodding of heads and exhibited the
+book, buttressed with an eager finger
+at the place. And we looked and read
+"A young gold-finch;" so you will see
+that that didn't help us much. It was
+only by the almost miraculous emergence
+of the word <i>Fat</i> in the course of
+their own private conversation shortly
+afterwards that light came to us.</p>
+
+<p>That they are quite at a loss to
+understand the meaning of honey in
+the comb did not greatly surprise us&mdash;though
+it was rather queer&mdash;but the
+Parish is deeply distressed at their
+total ignorance of oatmeal. They are
+quite at sea there, and so far have only
+employed it for baiting a bird-trap: and
+that touches us closely, for the very
+foundation of our being in these parts
+is oatmeal. Even their beautiful devotion
+to vegetables of all sorts cannot,
+we feel, compensate for their attitude
+of negation towards this very staple
+of existence. There is a strong party
+among us bent on their conversion.
+We hope with all our hearts that they
+will be comfortable and contented
+among us till the day comes when they
+can return to their own country; and
+we feel that their exile will not have
+been entirely wasted if they have learned
+to appreciate the purpose fulfilled by
+porridge in the Divine Order of things.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_407" id="Page_407">[Pg 407]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/407.png">
+<img src="images/407.png" width="100%" alt="WORD PERFECT" /></a>
+<h4>WORD PERFECT.</h4>
+<p><i>Sentry</i> (<i>on duty for first time</i>). "<span class="sc">'Alt! Who goes there? Advance to within five paces, and give the countersign 'Waterloo.'</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>In the good old days when that royal pipsqueak, our
+<span class="sc">First James</span>, came to the throne, if you were a physician
+of a little more than common skill and furnished with
+theological opinions of a modernist complexion, or a lonely
+woman with (or without) some cunning in the matter of
+herbs, who cherished a peculiar (or normal) pussy-cat, you
+were quite likely to be burnt out of hand. And, in her
+competent way, <span class="sc">Mary Johnston</span>, in <i>The Witch</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>),
+deals with this dark blot on the escutcheon of Christianity.
+Through what suffering and what joys <i>Dr. Aderhold</i>, the
+kindly free-thinking mystic, and <i>Joan Heron</i>, the simple
+village maid, found their ultimate and, for the times, merciful
+release by halter in place of fire, readers who have nerves to
+spare for horror will read with eagerness. It is indeed a
+dreadful story. Miss <span class="sc">Johnston</span> is not one of your novelists
+who lets herself off the contemporary document, and on
+her reputation you may take it she is not far out. The
+grim tale serves to show to what lengths the force of suggestion
+will, in times of excitement, carry folk otherwise sober
+and truthful. Manifestly preposterous evidence, freely
+given, was freely admitted by trained legal minds&mdash;evidence
+on which innocent lives were sacrificed at the average rate
+of over a thousand a month in England and Scotland in the
+two centuries of the chief witch-baiting period. But, after
+all, have we not, most of us, near relations who saw a
+quarter-of-a-million of astrakanned Russians steal through
+England in the dead of an August night? And have we
+not&mdash;&mdash; But I grow tedious. <i>The Witch</i> is an eminently
+readable story of adventure of the coincidental kind.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>What I like best in the stories of Mr. <span class="sc">W. W. Jacobs</span>,
+apart from their mere hilarity, is their triumphant vindication
+of the right to jest. They spread themselves before
+me like a pageant representing the graceful submission of
+the easy dupe. They tempt me to filch away chairs from
+beneath stout and elderly gentlemen who are about to sit
+down. Take the case of <i>Sergeant-Major Farrer</i> in <i>Night
+Watches</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>). He was afraid of
+nothing on earth, or off it, but ghosts, and he despised the
+weedy young man who was in love with his daughter. So
+the weedy young man dared him to come to a haunted
+cottage at midnight, and, dressed up as a spectre, terrified
+the soldier into something more than a strategic retreat,
+with the result that he surrendered his daughter. In real
+life of course it is different. I know a colour-sergeant, and
+somehow I rather think that if I&mdash;but never mind. In
+Mr. <span class="sc">Jacobs</span>' beautiful world, as it is with <i>Mr. Farrer</i> so is
+it with <i>Peter Russet</i>, with <i>Ginger Dick</i> and with <i>Sam
+Small</i>. They know when the laugh is against them, and,
+waiving the appeal to force or to law, they grumble but
+retire. There is one exercise in the gruesome in <i>Night
+Watches</i>, but it hardly shows Mr. <span class="sc">Jacobs</span> at his best in
+this particular vein. There are also several charming
+illustrations by Mr. <span class="sc">Stanley Davis</span>, executed with a buff
+tint, which help to sustain the gossamer illusion.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_408" id="Page_408">[Pg 408]</a></span>
+
+<p>If I were a woman I should always be a little irritated
+with any story which shows two women in love with the
+same man. Miss <span class="sc">May Sinclair</span> in her new novel does not
+mind how much she annoys her own sex. She shows us
+no fewer than three women engaged in this competition,
+and they are sisters. True, there was not much choice for
+them in their lonely moorland village, which contained a
+young doctor and no other eligible man. Of this fellow
+<i>Rowcliffe</i> we are told that "his eyes were liable in repose to
+become charged with a curious and engaging pathos," an
+attraction which had broken many hearts before the story
+opened, and gave to their owner a great sense of confidence
+in himself. This set me against him at the start, but the
+three sisters, as I said, were not in a position to be fastidious.
+<i>Mary's</i> love for him was of the social-domestic kind;
+<i>Gwenda's</i> was spiritual; <i>Alice's</i> frankly physical. Though
+alleged to be "as good as gold," <i>Alice</i>, the youngest of <i>The
+Three Sisters</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>), was one of those hysterical
+women who threaten to
+die or go mad unless
+they get married&mdash;a very
+unpleasant fact for a
+young doctor to have to
+discuss with her sister,
+and for us to read about.
+Indeed, if I were to tell
+in all its incredible
+crudity the story of the
+relations of this gently-bred
+girl with the
+drunken farmer who, to
+her knowledge, had previously
+betrayed her own
+servant-girl, I think even
+Miss <span class="sc">Sinclair</span> would be
+revolted. Her exposure
+of certain secret things
+which common decency
+agrees to leave in silence
+is a treachery to her sex,
+not excusable on grounds
+of physiological interest;
+and I, for one, who was
+loud in my praise of the
+fine qualities of her great
+romance, <i>The Divine Fire</i>, confess to a sense of almost
+personal sorrow that such high gifts as hers, which still
+show no trace of decline in craftsmanship, should have
+suffered so much taint. I sincerely hope that the noble
+work she is now doing with the Red Cross at the front&mdash;where
+the best wishes of her many friends follow her&mdash;may
+make more clear the claim that is laid upon her to devote
+her exceptional powers as a writer to the higher issues of
+life and death; or, at the least, to something cleaner and
+sweeter than the morbid atmosphere of her present theme.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It has been my private conviction that the most
+depressing and shuddersome of all natural prospects is the
+wide expanse of mud and slime to be found at low water
+in the estuary of a tidal river. Such scenes have always
+been singularly abhorrent to me. Mr. "<span class="sc">Adrian Ross</span>"
+appears to share this feeling, for out of one of them he
+has made the novel and very effective setting for his
+bogie-tale, <i>The Hole of the Pit</i> (<span class="sc">Arnold</span>). It is a story
+of the Civil Wars, though these have less to do with the
+action than the uncivil and very gruesome war waged
+between the Lord of Deeping Castle and the Unseen Thing
+that lived in the Pit. The Pit itself is real joy. It
+was covered always by the tide, but could be distinguished
+by a darker shadow on the surface of the sluggish stream,
+a shadow streaked at times by wavering bands of greyish
+slime, strangely agitated.... There were smells, too,
+dank, sodden, drowned smells that came in upon the sea
+mist. Moreover, Deeping Castle I can only describe as an
+eligible residence for the immortal <i>Fat Boy</i>. It was built
+right upon the water, within convenient distance, as the
+auctioneers say, of the Pit; and between the two of them
+your flesh is made to creep more than you would believe
+possible. As for the great scene where the Thing finally
+gets out of the Pit, and comes slobbering and sucking
+round the castle walls&mdash;I cannot hope to convey to you
+the horror of it. Perhaps you may feel with me that
+Mr. Ross has been at times a little too confident that
+the undoubted thrill of his bogie would save it from
+being unintentionally funny. I confess I did laugh once
+in the wrong place. But everywhere else I shivered
+with the fearful joy that only the best in this kind can
+produce.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I remember that I
+have before this admired
+the mixture of cheerful
+cynicism and dry humour
+that is the speciality of
+Mr. <span class="sc">Max Rittenberg</span>.
+He has shown it again
+in <i>Every Man His Price</i>
+(<span class="sc">Methuen</span>), but hardly,
+I think, to quite the
+same effect as formerly.
+My feeling about the
+book was that it started
+with a first-class idea for
+a plot of comedy and
+intrigue, but that the
+author, instead of being
+contented with this,
+wanted to give us a
+novel of character-development
+on the grand
+scale, and somewhat
+spoilt his work in the
+attempt. The earlier
+chapters could hardly
+have been better. There was a real snap in the struggle
+between the English hero, <i>Hilary Warde</i>, who had nearly
+perfected a system of wireless telephony, and the Berlin
+magnates who wished to bluff him out of the results. As
+I say, I liked these early scenes and some others subsequently
+that dealt with rather sensational finance (it always
+cheers me up when the hero makes half-a-million pounds
+in a single chapter!) better than those that had to do with
+<i>Warde's</i> domestic entanglements and the deterioration of
+his character. And the climax seemed inadequate to the
+point of bathos. But there is much in the tale to enjoy;
+and you might read it if only for a vivid word-picture of
+what Berlin used to be like before the beginning of the
+great <i>d&eacute;b&acirc;cle</i>. This has now an interest almost historical.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/408.png">
+<img src="images/408.png" width="100%" alt="There&#39;s awful accounts in this &#39;ere paper" title="" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<p><i>Hedger.</i> "<span class="sc">There's awful accounts in this 'ere paper of they
+Germans&mdash;seems there's some people as don't 'old <i>Nothing</i> sacred</span>."</p>
+<p>Huntsman. "<span class="sc">Ah! you may say so! and it ain't only Germans.
+Only last night I found as fine a dog-fox as ever I see <i>with a
+bullet-wound through 'is 'eart!</i></span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>"TURKISH AMBASSADOR LEAVES BORDEAUX.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>The Turkish Ambassador left Paris yesterday on a visit to Biarritz.
+He announced before leaving that he would return. This was the
+first visit paid by the Turkish Ambassador for over a fortnight. He
+did not see Sir Edward Grey, but had a long conference with Sir
+Arthur Nicolson, Permanent Under-Secretary."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Edinburgh Evening News.</i></p>
+
+<p>The only possible answer to this extraordinary conduct was
+a declaration of war.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, November 11, 1914, by Various
+
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2155 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+November 11, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, November 11, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 24, 2009 [EBook #28596]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOL. 147.
+
+  NOVEMBER 11, 1914.
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"In Buenos Aires and other parts of Argentina," _The Express_ tells us,
+"people are tired of the war, and a brisk trade is being done in the
+sale of buttons to be worn by the purchaser, inscribed with the words
+'_No me habla de la guerra_' ('Don't talk to me about the war')." The
+KAISER, we understand, has now sent for one of these buttons.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Crown Prince RUPPRECHT of Bavaria, in an order to his troops last
+week, referred to the British in the following words:--"Here is the
+enemy which chiefly blocks the way in the direction of restoration of
+peace." Conceive a "contemptible little army" being able to do that! It
+makes one wonder whether the first epithet was perhaps a misprint for
+"contemptuous."
+
+       * * *
+
+The Germans are now calling the Allies a Menagerie, though curiously
+enough it is the others who have a Turkey waddling after them.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to a report which reaches us the crews of the _Goeben_
+and _Breslau_ are wearing a most curious garb, being clothed in Turkish
+fezes and breaches of neutrality.
+
+       * * *
+
+    "GERMANS MOWED DOWN FRENCH MARINES' BIG FEET."
+
+    _Irish Independent._
+
+This is really a most unfortunate misprint, for it is just this kind of
+carping statement that leads the Germans to say we are falling out with
+our Allies.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is much speculation as to whether there is German blackmail behind
+the announcement that the maximum period of quarantine for imported dogs
+has been reduced from six months to four.
+
+       * * *
+
+The only animals left alive in the Antwerp Zoo are reported to be the
+elephants, which are now being used for military traction purposes.
+Later on it is proposed by the Germans to drive them into the lines of
+the Indian troops with a view to making the latter home-sick.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. ALGERNON ASHTON asks in _The Evening News_, "Why is the Poet
+Laureate so strangely silent?" Everyone else will remember Mr. BRIDGES'
+patriotic lines at the beginning of the War, and we begin to suspect
+that Mr. ASHTON'S well-known repugnance to writing for the papers has
+been extended to the reading of them.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Daily Mirror_, to signalise its eleventh birthday, produced a
+"Monster Number," yet it contained no portrait of the KAISER.
+
+       * * *
+
+Happening to meet a music-hall acquaintance we asked him how he thought
+the war was going, and he replied, "Oh, I think the managers will have
+to give in."
+
+       * * *
+
+America is evidently attempting to attract some of the devotees of
+winter sports who usually go to Switzerland. Another landslide on the
+Panama Canal is now announced.
+
+       * * *
+
+We are sorry to have to bring a charge of lack of gallantry against _The
+Leicester Mail_. We refer to the following passage in its description of
+an ovation given to Driver OSBORNE, V.C., at Derby on the 31st ult.
+After describing how, in the course of a great reception given to him by
+a large crowd at the station, two or three buxom matrons insisted upon
+embracing him, our contemporary continues: "Driver Osborne has now
+practically recovered, and reports himself for duty again at the end of
+this week."
+
+       * * *
+
+The municipality of Berlin has decided to substitute for the existing
+designations of some of the principal streets in that city the names of
+"German generals who have become famous during the present war." This,
+however, will not involve many alterations.
+
+       * * *
+
+Orders have been issued by the Federal Council of the German Empire that
+no bread other than that containing from 5 to 20 per cent. of potato
+flour will be allowed to be baked. Such bread is to be sold under the
+name of "K" bread. At first this was taken to be a graceful tribute to
+Lord KITCHENER, but it is now officially stated that "K" stands for the
+German for potatoes.
+
+       * * *
+
+The _Koelnische Zeitung_ complains that English prisoners in Germany "are
+allowed to lead the lives of Olympian Gods." Our choleric contemporary
+is evidently unaware that we are allowing German prisoners to reside in
+Olympia, which is the next best thing to Olympus.
+
+       * * *
+
+The British steamer _Remuera_ reported on reaching Plymouth last week
+that a German cruiser had attempted to trap her by means of a false
+S.O.S. signal. We ought not, we suppose, to be surprised at a low trick
+like this from the s.o.s.sidges.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is one quality that no one can with justice deny to the Germans,
+and that is thoroughness. The other day, having laid a mine, they seem
+to have used one of their own cruisers to test its destructive power.
+
+       * * *
+
+"It is noticeable," says _The Daily Mail_, "that the Kaiser's speeches
+no longer include references to God, only Frederick the Great." This
+confirms the rumours of a quarrel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE AIRSHIP MENACE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAMOUS TOWN CAPTURED BY GERMANS.
+
+    "In the south of Ypres we have lost some points, D'Appui, Hollebeke,
+    and Landvoorde."
+
+    _Worcester Daily Times._
+
+If your map doesn't give D'Appui, buy a more expensive one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Capstan Hands.--First-class Men, used to chucking work, for motor
+    vehicle parts."
+
+    _Advt. in "The Manchester Guardian."_
+
+They ought to be easy enough to get.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Guardsmen again provided a dramatic element in the trial by
+    guarding the prisoner and the door which fixed bayonets."
+
+    _Evening News._
+
+You should see our arm-chair give the salute.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE SHIRKER: A LAST APPEAL.
+
+  Now of your free choice, while the chance is yours
+    To share their glory who have gladly died
+  Shielding the honour of our island shores
+    And that fair heritage of starry pride,--
+  Now, ere another evening's shadow falls,
+          Come, for the trumpet calls.
+
+  What if to-morrow through the land there runs
+    This message for an everlasting stain?--
+  "England expected each of all her sons
+    To do his duty--but she looked in vain;
+  Now she demands, by order sharp and swift,
+          What should have been a gift."
+
+  For so it must be, if her manhood fail
+    To stand by England in her deadly need;
+  If still her wounds are but an idle tale
+    The word must issue which shall make you heed;
+  And they who left her passionate pleas unheard
+          Will _have_ to hear that word.
+
+  And, losing your free choice, you also lose
+    Your right to rank, on Memory's shining scrolls,
+  With those, your comrades, who made haste to choose
+    The willing service asked of loyal souls;
+  From all who gave such tribute of the heart
+          Your name will stand apart.
+
+  I think you cannot know what meed of shame
+    Shall be their certain portion who pursue
+  Pleasure "as usual" while their country's claim
+    Is answered only by the gallant few.
+  Come, then, betimes, and on her altar lay
+          Your sacrifice to-day!
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. VII.
+
+(_From the PRESIDENT OF THE FRENCH REPUBLIC._)
+
+_Bordeaux._
+
+Sire,--You will pardon me, I know, if for a moment I break in upon the
+serious occupations and meditations in which your time must be spent. I
+like to picture you to myself in the midst of your Staff, working out
+for them and your armies great problems of strategy and devising those
+movements which, so far, have overwhelmed not your foes so much as the
+minds of your fellow-countrymen. You too, Sire, sanguine and impetuous
+as is your nature, are no doubt beginning to realise that a great
+nation--let us say France, for example--is not to be overcome by mere
+shouting and the waving of sabres, or by the making of impassioned
+speeches in which God, having been acclaimed as an ally, is encouraged
+to perform miracles for the benefit of the Prussian arms. I do not deny
+that your soldiers are brave and that your armies are well equipped; but
+our Frenchmen too have guns and bayonets and swords and shells and know
+how to make use of them, and their portion of courage is no smaller than
+that of the Prussians, or even of the Bavarians whom you have lately
+been vaunting. Moreover--and this you had perhaps over-looked--they have
+something which is deadlier and more enduring than shot and shell and
+steel--the unconquerable spirit which leaps up in the hearts of men who
+are gathered to defend their country from invasion and their national
+existence from destruction.
+
+Oh, Sire, how little you have understood France and her people; how
+little you have understood the minds and motives of men! "France," your
+Professors and your Generals told you, "is degenerate; her population is
+smaller than ours; she has lost her skill in fighting and her courage;
+she has no culture, never having heard of TREITSCHKE and having
+neglected the inspired writings of NIETZSCHE; she will be an easy prey,
+for no one will lift a hand to help her. England is lapped in ease
+behind her ocean and will never fight again; Russia is distant and slow,
+and we can despise her; Belgium will never dare to deny us anything we
+care to ask. Let us make haste, then, and crush France to the earth for
+ever." So you planned, and your legions set out to trample us down, with
+the result that is now before the eyes of the world.
+
+Only a few words more. There is at Sampigny, in Lorraine, a modest
+country-house, which was, in fact, my home. Your troops passed through
+the place, and for no military reason that I can discover they reduced
+this house to ruins. I know that that is a small price to pay for the
+honour of being allowed to represent the French nation in this hour of
+peril and glory, and I pay it willingly. When so many are laying down
+their lives with joy why should I complain because a few walls have been
+shattered? But I am reminded and I wish to remind you of another story.
+One hundred and eight years ago, in October, the Great NAPOLEON, having
+scattered your predecessor's armies to the four winds of heaven,
+proceeded to Potsdam, where he visited the tomb of the great FREDERICK.
+They showed him the dead King's sword, his belt and his cordon of the
+Black Eagle. These Napoleon took, with the intention of sending them to
+Paris, to be presented to the _Invalides_, amongst whom there still
+lingered a few who had been defeated by FREDERICK at Rosbach. Certainly
+the relics took no shame from such a seizure and such a guardianship.
+But the palace at Potsdam was not destroyed and stands to this day. I do
+not wish to liken myself to FREDERICK, nor do I compare you with
+NAPOLEON, but I tell you the story, which is true, for what it is worth.
+I wonder if you will appreciate it?
+
+Agree, Sire, the expression of my distinguished consideration.
+
+  RAYMOND POINCARE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IRON CROSS.
+
+(For German looters.)
+
+  [_In tempi barbari e piu feroci
+  S' appiccavan' i ladri in sulle croci;
+  In tempi men barbari e piu leggiadri
+  S' appiccano le croci in petto ai ladri._--GIUST.]
+
+  In former ferocious and barbarous times,
+  The thief was hung up on the cross for his crimes,
+  But Culture to savages offers relief--
+  The cross is now hung on the breast of the thief.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Amended and more stringent regulations concerning the lights of
+    London have been issued by Sir E. R. Henry, the Commissioner of
+    Police. A number of them are in the same terms as those which were
+    published in _The Globe_ nearly a month ago, but others make
+    important changes. For example, the third order, as originally
+    drafted, ran: 'The intensity of the inside lighting of shop fronts
+    must be reduced from 6 p.m. or earlier if the Commissioner of Police
+    on any occasion so directs', but it is now as follows:--
+
+The intensity of the inside lighting of shop fronts must be reduced
+_from 6 p.m. or earlier if the Commissioner of Police on any occasion so
+directs_."--_Globe._
+
+The italics ought to make it a lot darker.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Gifts of money for the purchase of blankets are being made in Germany
+not less than here, and we understand that a large sum has been sent out
+to South Africa addressed: "De Wet Blanket Fund."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: HIS MASTER'S VOICE.
+
+THE KAISER (_to Turkey, reassuringly_). "LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME. ALL
+YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS TO EXPLODE."
+
+TURKEY. "YES, I QUITE SEE THAT. BUT WHERE SHALL _I_ BE WHEN IT'S ALL
+OVER?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Talkative Passenger._ "I SEE THAT THE YOUNG EARL OF
+HARBORO' HAS JUST DONE A VERY PLUCKY ACT AT THE FRONT."
+
+_Rabid Socialist_ (_indignantly_). "WELL, SO HE OUGHT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MISUSED TALENT.
+
+(_A mild apostrophe to the young man next door._)
+
+  Augustus! ever prone at eve to gurgle a
+    Melodious distych from the music-halls,
+  Piping in summer from beneath a pergola,
+    Piping to-day behind these party-walls,
+  Three months ago and more, when Mars had thrust us
+    In doubt and dread alarm and cannons' mist,
+  I found one solace, for I mused, "Augustus
+          Will probably enlist.
+
+  "I know not what his dreams of glory may be,
+    I know not if his heart is full of grit,
+  But I do know that he disturbs the baby,
+    And, judging by his lungs, he must be fit;
+  His is the frame, or else I've never seen one,
+    His are the fitting years to fight and roam,
+  He has no ties (except that pink and green one)
+          To tether him to home.
+
+  "When he returns he'll possibly be sager;
+    If not (for glory of his long campaign)
+  We shall be thrilled to hear the sergeant-major
+    Singing the good old songs he loved again;
+  Bellona, too, has something of the witch in her;
+    It may be he will learn more tact and grace
+  When that mild tenor has been turned by KITCHENER
+          Into a throaty bass."
+
+  Thus jestingly I dreamed. And now, Caruso,
+    You have not budged one inch upon the road;
+  While half the lads have got their khaki trousseau,
+    You still retain that voice and nut-like mode;
+  Peace holds you with the tightness of a grapnel,
+    And, still adhering to her ample hem,
+  You enfilade us with your tuney shrapnel
+          From 9 to 12 P.M.
+
+  So here's my ultimatum. Though it loosens
+    The kindly bonds that neighbours ought to keep,
+  I'll take a summons out to curb the nuisance
+    Unless you stop it. Can I laugh or weep
+  For those who fling their challenge at the blighting gale,
+    Who smile to hear the cannon's murderous croon,
+  When you go on like a confounded nightingale
+          Under a fat-faced moon?
+
+  The streets are darkened now that once were ringing
+    Through all the lamp-lit hours with festal fuss,
+  And songs are changed, and so's the time for singing,
+    But I'd be greatly pleased to hear you, Gus,
+  Out in the road there, watched by Anns and Maries,
+    Op'ning your throttle to the mid-day light;
+  Fate gave it you to prove that Tipperary's
+          A long way off. _Left--Right!_
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We commend _The Pioneer_ to the notice of our evening contemporaries.
+Its "Extraordinary War Special"--price, one anna--consists of the
+following:--
+
+    "No Reuter received since 8.30 a.m."
+
+A more enterprising paper, such as _The_ ---- or _The_ ----[_censored_]
+would have provided some new headlines from yesterday's news.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOMMY BROWN, PATRIOT.
+
+II.
+
+Tommy Brown has already been in disgrace, although it is only a
+fortnight since he wrote the famous patriotic essay which determined Mr.
+Smith, his Form-master, to go to the Front. You see, Miss Price, who is
+deputising for Mr. Smith, does not like lizards, and has an especial
+aversion to white rats, whereas Tommy is very fond of these and other
+dumb animals.
+
+So Tommy was reported to the Headmaster. At first the Headmaster thought
+that the application of "somewhat severe measures, my boy," would meet
+the case; but whoever heard of caning a curly-headed boy with blue eyes
+and an ink-stain on both lips? The interview took place in the
+Headmaster's study. To the question, "What do you mean, Sir, by bringing
+lizards and white rats to school?" Tommy said, "Yes, Sir," and then,
+after thinking for fully three seconds, he said he had a ferret at home,
+and did the Headmaster know how to hold a ferret so that it couldn't
+bite you?
+
+It seems that ferrets, if they once get hold of your thumb, never let
+go--_not never_--and that you have to force their jaws open with a
+penholder; also ferrets exhibit a marked preference for thumbs. All this
+information Tommy conveyed without drawing a breath. The Headmaster
+said, "Quite so, my boy, quite so. But don't you know it is extremely
+reprehensible conduct to bring animals to school in your pocket?" Well,
+you see, that is how Tommy's mother talks to him, so he knew what to do,
+and, looking up into the Headmaster's face with that wistful look of
+his, he imparted the deep secret that he had a tortoise.
+
+Tortoises, the Headmaster learnt, had a way of getting lost among the
+cabbages, but, if you wanted to prevent them from straying, all you had
+to do was to turn them over on their backs and put a piece of brown
+paper over them for their feet to play with. Also they were stuck fast
+in their shells, because Tommy had tried. A boy had told Tommy that
+tortoises laid eggs, but although Tommy had showed his tortoise a hen's
+egg and then put the tortoise in a nice new nest the tortoise had taken
+no step in the matter.
+
+However, Tommy promised never to bring any more animals to school and to
+express his sorrow to Miss Price. And he was richer by sixpence when the
+interview closed.
+
+At parting, Tommy offered to lend the Headmaster his tortoise for a
+week, and told him that, if he stood for a whole hour on its back, it
+wouldn't hurt it, because Tommy had trained it; also it never crawled
+out of your pocket.
+
+Tommy apologised to Miss Price for bringing the white rats to
+school--they weren't white rats really, not to look at; they were rather
+piebald through constant association with ink. Also he brought an apple
+and showed her how, by holding it a certain way whilst eating it, she
+would miss the bad part. In further sign of amity he showed her his
+knife, and especially that instrument in it which was used for removing
+stones from horses' hoofs. Not that Tommy had removed many stones from
+horses' hoofs, not very many, but if you had a tooth that was loose it
+was very helpful. Miss Price gave him a new threepenny bit, and Tommy
+tried hard to please her in arithmetic by reducing inches to pounds,
+shillings and pence.
+
+With nine-pence in his pocket Tommy felt uneasy. It was a question
+between a lop-eared rabbit and a mouth-organ. A lop-eared rabbit, that
+is to say a proper one, cost two shillings; for nine-pence it was
+probable that you could only get a rabbit which would lop with one ear.
+
+Besides, a lop-eared rabbit meant a hutch, and he had already used the
+cover of his mother's sewing-machine for the piebald rats.
+
+On the other hand, you could get a mouth-organ with a bell on it for
+nine-pence; he knew.
+
+It was a splendid instrument!
+
+Tommy took it to bed with him and put it under his pillow, and when his
+mother came to see that he was all right at night his hand was clutched
+round it as he slept content.
+
+The next day Tommy gave an organ recital in the playground before a
+large and enthusiastic audience. For a marble he would let you blow it
+while he held it. For two marbles you could hold it yourself.
+
+One boy paid the two marbles, and noticed the words "Made in Germany" in
+small letters on the under side. The silence that followed the
+announcement of this discovery was broken only by the sound of Jones
+minor biting an apple. All eyes were on Tommy Brown. For the fraction of
+a second he hesitated, and in that fraction Brook tertius giggled.
+
+Tommy seized the mouth-organ with a determination that was almost
+ferocious; he threw it on the ground, stamped on it with his heel again
+and again, and finally took and pitched it into a neighbouring garden.
+He then fell upon Brook tertius and punched him until he howled.
+
+Before Tommy Brown could go to sleep that night his mother had to sit by
+his bed-side and hold his hand; he never released her hand until he was
+fast asleep. How like his father (the V.C.) he looked! She wondered what
+made him toss so in his sleep and what had become of his mouth-organ
+with the bell on it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: HOW TO BRING UP A HUN. THE TEUTONIC SUBSTITUTE FOR MILK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "FRENCH PRESIDENT AT THE FONT."
+
+    _Leicester Daily Mercury._
+
+Where he received his baptism of fire?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "German infantry on the morning of the 5th ventured an assault and
+    were repulsed by blithering fire."--_Pioneer._
+
+Some of their Professors should be able to do good work in the
+blithering line.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Reuter's agency learns that according to an official telegram
+    received in London Turkish vessels have entered the open port of
+    Odessa and bombarded Russian ships.
+
+    6 to 1 agst Cheerful, 7 to 1 agst Flippant."
+
+    _South Wales Echo._
+
+Not at all; we remain both.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: WHAT OUR TAILOR HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+_Scene I._ A PERFECT FIT.        _Scene II._ AFTER A WEEK'S DRILL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEGBIE REBUKED.
+
+Fleet Street was thrilled to the depths of its deepest inkpot last week
+when it read in _The Daily Chronicle_ of the historic meeting between
+Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE and Mr. W. J. BRYAN in New York. The sensation was
+caused not so much by the announcement that Mr. BRYAN "has the long
+mouth of the orator, the lips swelling and protruding as he speaks,
+thinning and compressing when he is silent," or that "the full and heavy
+neck, which seems to be part of the face, is corded with muscles,"
+although either of those statements is startling enough. Nor was it Mr.
+BEGBIE'S struggle to decide whether he should devote his attention to
+the great statesman or to the railway station in which they met, the
+statesman being selected only just in time. No, what nearly stopped the
+clock of St. Bride's church was this paragraph in Mr. BEGBIE'S record of
+the event: "At this point I asked quite innocently, and with a real
+desire for information, an obvious but indiscreet question, which Mr.
+BRYAN rebuked me for asking, reminding me that he was a member of the
+Government."
+
+What a subject for an Academy painting in oils! Or, if MILTON had been
+living at this hour, how he would have immortalised the touching scene!
+
+A desire to present to our readers some fuller details of this
+world-staggering event prompted us to cable to a few correspondents in
+New York. One cables back: "The scene was dramatic in the extreme. The
+journalist, his big blue eyes brimming with innocence, gently breathed
+his question, when the great statesman shook his shaggy mane and roared
+out his rebuke like a lion in pain. The journalist's apologetic gesture
+was one of the most delicate things I have ever seen."
+
+Another tells us:--"When Mr. BEGBIE put his question so great a
+stillness reigned throughout the crowded railway station that you could
+have heard a goods-train shunt." Mr. BRYAN looked long and earnestly at
+the journalist, then, placing his hand affectionately on his shoulder,
+he said to him in a throbbing voice, "Oh, HAROLD, how can you?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE INCORRIGIBLES."
+
+"The enemy made attacks, but each effort was repulsed with great
+laughter."--_Star._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One recalls in this connection the statement made by Alexander the
+    Great, that Napoleon's invasion of Russia was defeated not by the
+    Cossacks, but by Generals January and February."--_Stock Exchange
+    Gazette._
+
+This reminds us of CAESAR'S comment on the sack of
+Louvain:--"_Magnificens est, sed non bellum._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WIRELESS.
+
+  There sits a little demon
+    Above the Admiralty,
+  To take the news of seamen
+    Seafaring on the sea;
+  So all the folk aboard-ships
+    Five hundred miles away
+  Can pitch it to their Lordships
+    At any time of day.
+
+  The cruisers prowl observant;
+    Their crackling whispers go;
+  The demon says, "Your servant,"
+    And lets their Lordships know;
+  A fog's come down off Flanders?
+    A something showed off Wick?
+  The captains and commanders
+    Can speak their Lordships quick.
+
+  The demon sits a-waking;
+    Look up above Whitehall--
+  E'en now, mayhap, he's taking
+    The Greatest Word of all;
+  From smiling folk aboard-ships
+    He ticks it off the reel:--
+  "An' may it please your Lordships,
+    A Fleet's put out o' Kiel!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Much indecision prevails as to what the value of sultanas will be
+    in the near future."
+
+    _Daily Telegraph._
+
+What the Germans want to know is the price of Sultans.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
+
+WAR GOSSIP.
+
+_Park Lane._
+
+Dearest Daphne,--The situation here is unchanged, though we have made
+some progress in knitting. Forgive me, _m'amie_, but one does get so
+much into the _despatch_ habit! The other day I'd a letter from Babs, in
+which she told me she'd "nothing fresh to report on her right wing"
+before she pulled herself together.
+
+Norty's at the front as a flying-man. He's finding out all sorts of
+things, dropping bombs on Zeppelins and covering himself with glory. I
+had a few lines from him last week. He dated from "A place in Europe"
+(they have to be _enormously_ cautious!), and said he was having the
+time of his life. He was immensely pleased with the last letter I
+managed to get through to him, and was particularly struck, he says,
+with my advice to him: "Find out all you can, and above all don't get
+caught;" he considers it simply _invaluable_ advice and says all airmen
+ought to have it written up in letters of gold somewhere or other.
+
+Stella Clackmannan's had a fortnight's training as a nurse and is off. I
+ran in to see the dear thing the night before she left. She'd been
+posing to a photographer in her Red Cross uniform for _hours_ and
+_hours_ and was almost in a state of _collapse_; but the heroic darling
+said she was ready to do even _more than that_ for her country. In one
+photo she's sitting by a cot with her hands folded, looking sad but
+_very_ sweet. In another she's standing up, singing, "It's a long way to
+Tipperary;" and in a third she's bandaging someone (she had one of the
+foot-men in for this photo), and, _a mon avis_, it's the least
+successful of all. She appears to be _choking_ the poor man! However,
+they're immensely charming, and will all be seen in the "Aristocratic
+Angels of Mercy" page of next week's _People of Position_.
+
+Dear Professor Dimsdale has only just got back to England from his
+eclipse expedition. I'm not sure now whether it was an eclipse or an
+occultation, but anyhow the only place where it could be properly seen
+was a mountain in the Austrian Tyrol. It was due in the middle of
+August, and the last week in July the Professor set off with his big
+telescope and his lenses and his assistants and his note-books and
+everything that was his. He lived a week or two on the mountain, to get
+used to the atmosphere and prepare all his things, so he didn't know
+what was going on in the world below. And then, just as the eclipse or
+whatever it was _began_, and the Professor was looking up at the sky for
+all he was worth, a lot of fearful creatures came rushing up the
+mountain and said there was a war and that he was an alien enemy and
+that he was making signals and that his big telescope was a new sort of
+howitzer; and they pushed him down the mountain, and broke his telescope
+and all his lenses, and tore up his note-books, and shook their fists at
+him and used such language that he said for the first time in his life
+he was sorry he was such a good linguist!
+
+They finished by shutting him up in a fortress, and there he's been ever
+since. He hardly knows how it was he got away, but he believes the whole
+garrison was marched off to meet the Russians, and that they're all
+prisoners now--which is his only drop of comfort. I've tried to console
+him for having missed what he went to see. I said, "Perhaps the eclipse
+or whatever it was will happen again soon--or one like it." He groaned
+out, "My dear lady, that particular conjunction of the heavenly bodies
+will not occur again for 2,645 years, 9 months, 3 weeks and 2 days." So
+there it is, my dearest!
+
+Would it cheer you up to hear a small romance of war and knitting? Here
+it is, then. Some time ago Monica Jermyn brought round some terrific
+mitts she'd knitted to go in one of my parcels for the troops. She's
+easily the worst knitter who ever held needles! "My _dear_ child," I
+said, "what simply ghastly mitts! They're full of mistakes." "What's it
+matter?" Monica answered. "Mistakes will keep them quite as warm as the
+right stitches. Besides, they're all right. I knit ever so much better
+now than when I used to make socks for the Deep Sea Fisherman last
+year." "That's not saying much," I said. "I remember those socks for the
+Deep Sea Fishermen, and I doubt whether even the _deepest_ sea fishermen
+would know how to put them on! What's this?" "It's a message to go with
+the mitts," replied Monica. This was the message:--"The girl who made
+these mitts hopes they will be a comfort to some dear brave hands
+fighting for her and her sisters in England." "Oh, my _dear_!" I
+remonstrated. "It's very _young_ and _romantic_ of you, but don't you
+think it's _just_ a little----" "No, I don't!" she cried. "And if it is,
+I don't care. Please, please let it go!" So it went.
+
+Soon after that the Jermyns went down to their place in Sussex, and
+later I heard they'd some convalescent war heroes as guests. Monica
+wrote me: "All six of them are dear brave darlings, of course, but _one_
+of them is _darlinger_ than the others. Tell it not in Gath, dear
+Blanche, but I think I've met my fate!" Later she wrote: "He's getting
+on splendidly. He turns out to be a cousin of the Flummerys. He
+performed _prodigies_ of valour, but won't say a _word_ about it. When
+he leaves us my heart will quite, _quite_ break--and I sometimes hope
+_his_ will too!"
+
+Yesterday came the following:--"Claude and I belong to each other. And
+what, oh _what_ do you think helped to lead up to the dear, delicious
+finale? But wait. My hero is almost quite well now, and this morning,
+when we took what would have been our _last_ little walk in the grounds,
+it happened! He walks _beautifully_ now, though he still needs an arm at
+about the level of _mine_ to lean on. It was a chilly morning and, as I
+was looking down and trying to think of something to say, I gave a
+sudden shriek, for on his dear heroic wrists I recognised--_My Mitts_!
+And when he heard I'd made them he was just as _confondu_ as I was.
+'They were in a bale of comfies sent to my company,' he said, 'and I had
+the ladling out of them to the men. But when I came to these mitts, with
+the sweet little message pinned to them, I simply couldn't part with
+them! And to think _you_ made them--and wrote the little message! It
+makes one believe in all those psychic what-d'-you-call-'ems.'
+
+"I felt a crisis was coming and so I said hurriedly, 'Oh, I only wish
+they were worthier of--of--brave hands and wrists. I'm a wretched
+knitter--they're full of mistakes--I kept forgetting to keep to the
+pattern--it ought to have been, "_knit_ two together and _make_
+one"--but of course you don't understand knitting.' 'I understand it
+right enough if _that's_ all there is to it,' he said. "Knit two
+together and make one." Monica--no, you mustn't run away----' And
+that's all you're going to be told, Blanche, except that the powers that
+be have given their consent and I'm too happy for words!"
+
+_Et voila mon petit roman de guerre et de tricotage._
+
+My poor Josiah is still at the uttermost edge of beyond. He began to
+come home, and the boat was chased and ran to an island for shelter, and
+then the island was taken by one of our enemies and he was a prisoner.
+Then it was retaken by one of the Allies and he was free again. Since
+then more things have happened and he's been a prisoner again, and free
+again. And now he's lost count, and says he doesn't know _what_ he is or
+_who's_ got the island!
+
+Ever thine,
+
+BLANCHE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Cyclist._ "MANY RECRUITS GONE FROM THIS VILLAGE?"
+
+_Shopkeeper._ "NO, SIR."
+
+_Cyclist._ "OH, WHY'S THAT?"
+
+_Shopkeeper._ "WELL, SIR, AFTER GOING CAREFULLY INTO THE MATTER, WE, IN
+THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD, DECIDED TO REMAIN ABSOLUTELY NEUTRAL."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FATHER WILHELM.
+
+  "You are bold, Father WILHELM," the young man said;
+    "Your moustache, too, is fiercer than mine;
+  But I'm tempted to ask by the size of your head,
+    Do you really suppose you're divine?"
+
+  "In my youth," said his father, "you probably know
+    That I held the most orthodox views;
+  But since I have hypnotized HARNACK and CO.
+    I simply believe what I choose."
+
+  "You are bold," said the youth, "as I've mentioned before,
+    Yet you frequently talk through your hat;
+  For you told us the English were worthless in war;
+    Pray what was the reason of that?"
+
+  "In my earlier days," said his sire, "through and through
+    I studied that decadent race,
+  And in failing to prove that my forecast was true
+    They have covered themselves with disgrace."
+
+  "You are bold," said the youth, "and the Nietzschean creed
+    Cries, 'Down with the humble and meek;'
+  Yet the sack of Louvain made your bosom to bleed;
+    Why were you so painfully weak?"
+
+  "In my youth," said his father, "I studied the Arts
+    With a zeal that no force could restrain;
+  And the love of mankind which that study imparts
+    Has made me unduly humane."
+
+  "You _were_ bold," said the youth, "but it seems to be clear
+    That you're losing your grit and your fire;
+  And, if I may whisper the hint in your ear,
+    Don't you think that you ought to retire?"
+
+  "I've answered three questions," the KAISER replied,
+    "That might baffle the wit of a ZANCIG;
+  I'm tired of your talk and I'm sick of your 'side':
+    Be off, or I'll send you to Danzig."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY OF THE TURK.
+
+  The position of Turkey is muddled and murky,
+    But the course she's resolved to pursue
+  Is true to her mind, which we constantly find
+     _A l'Enver(s) et contre tous._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Hun and the Tartar stand together--_par mobile patrum_."
+
+    _Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+We cannot speak with equal confidence of the head of the Tartars, but
+the KAISER certainly makes a very mobile parent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Cavalry Instructor_ (_to nervous Recruit_). "NOW THEN;
+NONE O' THEM COSSACK STUNTS 'ERE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+VII.
+
+Dear Charles,--We haven't gone yet. Upon my word, we don't know what to
+do about it. We start off for the Continent and then we halt and ask
+ourselves, "Won't they be wanting us to go to Egypt and have a word with
+the enemy there?" So we come back and change our underclothes and start
+out again; but we haven't got far before a persistent subaltern starts a
+scare about invasions. At that we halt again and have a pow-wow. Thick
+underclothes for the Continent; thin underclothes for Egypt, but what
+underclothes for home defence? And that, old man, is the real difficulty
+about war: what clothes are you to make it in? Our official programme
+is, however, clearly defined now. It is this: We sail on or
+about ---- to ----, and thence to ----, pausing for a cup of tea at ----.
+We then change direction left and turn down by the butcher's shop and up
+past the post-office. Here we form fours, form two deep, slope arms,
+order arms, present arms, trail arms, ground arms, take up arms, pile
+arms, unpile arms, move to the right in fours, by the left, left wheel.
+The essence of these manoeuvres is that they make it impossible for
+even the most acute enemy to guess which is our real direction. He
+gathers that it is one of two things: it is either right or, failing
+that, left. But which? Ah, that is the secret! Sometimes I am in some
+doubt myself after having given the order.
+
+Our musical _repertoire_ is extensive, and, I venture to think, very
+aptly and poetically expresses the feelings of soldiers in the several
+aspects of military life. Their deep-seated respect for ceremonial is
+expressed thus, to the _Faust_ airs:--
+
+  "All soldiers live on bread and jam;
+  All soldiers eat it instead o' ham.
+  And every morning we hear the Colonel say,
+  'Form fours! Eyes right! Jam for dinner to-day!'"
+
+His heart's sorrow upon leaving his fatherland is rendered exactly
+thus:--
+
+  "The ship is now in motion;
+  We're going to cross the Ocean.
+      Good bye-er!
+      Fare-well-er!
+  Farewell for ever-mo-er!"
+
+And lastly his deep concern for his country's and his own and
+everybody's welfare is thus put:--
+
+  "I don't care if the ship goes down,
+    It doesn't belong to me."
+
+We had a Divisional Field Day yesterday. Recollecting a previous
+experience, the G.O.C. sent for his three Brigadiers, when the division
+was assembled for action, and, it seems, said to them, "There must be
+less noise." The Brigadiers, returning to the field, called out each his
+four battalion-commanders and said to them, distinctly, "There must be
+less noise." The twelve battalion-commanders called out each his eight
+company-commanders, who called out each his four section-commanders, and
+in every instance was repeated, quite audibly, the same utterance,
+"There must be less noise." Three hundred and eighty-four
+section-commanders were engaged in impressing this order, with all the
+emphasis it deserved, upon the men, when the General rode on to the
+field. His anger was extreme. "THERE MUST BE LESS NOISE!" said he.
+
+Yours ever,
+
+Henry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Press also avoids very carefully all discussion of the status
+    of the Goeben and the Breslau. Practically the only reference to the
+    subject is a remark in the _Frankfurter Zeitung_ that Turkey has
+    alone to decide what ships are to fly under her flag."--_Times._
+
+If Turkey decides that the _Goeben_ is to fly, we hope she will warn the
+man who works the searchlights at Charing Cross.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A GLORIOUS EXAMPLE.
+
+ABLE-BODIED CIVILIAN (_to Territorial_). "THAT OUGHT TO GIVE YOU A GOOD
+LEAD, MATE."
+
+TERRITORIAL. "YES--AND I MEAN TO TAKE IT! WHAT ABOUT _YOU_?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A PRUSSIAN COURT-PAINTER EARNING AN IRON CROSS BY
+PAINTING PICTURES IN PRAISE OF THE FATHERLAND FOR NEUTRAL CONSUMPTION.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CHARLIE" BERESFORD.
+
+By TOBY, M.P.
+
+"LORD CHARLES has broken his chest-bone--a piece of which was cut out in
+his boyhood leaving a cavity--his pelvis, right leg, right hand, foot,
+five ribs, one collar-bone three times, the other once, his nose three
+times." Thus Mr. COPE CORNFORD in one of the notes with which he
+illuminates the _Memoirs of Admiral Lord Charles Beresford_, published
+by Messrs. METHUEN in two volumes, illustrated with a score of plates,
+the portrait of Lady CHARLES adding the charm of rare beauty to the
+collection.
+
+For many years I have been honoured by the friendship of Lord CHARLES,
+and have had frequent opportunity of witnessing his multiform supremacy.
+Till I read this amazing catalogue of calamities, I never dreamt that
+among other claims to distinction he might have been billed as The
+Fractured Man, principal attraction in a travelling show, eclipsing the
+One-Legged Camel, the Tinted Zebra, and the Weird-Eyed Wanton from the
+Crusty North, who can sing in five languages "It's a Long, Long Way to
+Tipperary." Ignoring the monotony of experience suffered by the ribs,
+and noting the obtrusiveness of one collar-bone, we may, with slight
+variation from a formula in use by the SPEAKER in the House of Commons,
+declare "The Nose has it." Happily no one regarding Lord CHARLES'S
+cheery countenance would guess that its most prominent feature had been
+"broken three times."
+
+Here is a man whose life should be written. Fortunately the task has
+been undertaken by Lord CHARLES himself, and the world is richer by a
+book which, instructive in many ways, valuable as throwing side-lights
+on the slow advance of the Navy to the proud position which it holds
+to-day on the North Sea, bubbles over with humour.
+
+Record opens in the year 1859, when Lord CHARLES entered the Navy,
+closing just half-a-century later, when he hauled down his flag and
+permanently came ashore. Within the space of fifty years there is
+crammed a life of adventure richly varied in range. A man of exuberant
+individuality, which has occasional tendency to obscure supreme
+capacity, of fearless courage, gifted with a combination of wit and
+humour, Lord CHARLES is the handy-man to whom in emergency everyone
+looked not only for counsel but for help. It is a paradox, but a
+probability, that had he been duller-witted, a more ponderous person, he
+would have carried more weight alike in the councils of the Admiralty at
+Whitehall and of the nation at Westminster.
+
+As these memoirs testify, behind a smiling countenance he hides an
+unbending resolution to serve the public interest, whether aboard ship
+or in his place in Parliament. Perhaps the most familiar incident in his
+professional career is his exploit during the bombardment of Alexandria,
+when the signal flashed from the flag-ship, "Well done, _Condor_." A
+more substantial service was his command of what he describes as "the
+penny steamer" _Safieh_, whose manoeuvring on the Nile amid desperate
+circumstances averted from Sir CHARLES WILSON'S desert column, hastening
+to the rescue of GORDON, the fate which earlier had befallen STEWART.
+
+Another splendid piece of work was accomplished when, after the
+bombardment of Alexandria he was appointed Provost-Marshal and Chief of
+Police, and had committed to his charge the task of restoring order. His
+conspicuous success on this occasion bore fruit many years later when he
+was offered the post of Chief Commissioner of Police in the Metropolis.
+His story of the Egyptian and Soudan Wars, carried through several
+chapters, is a valuable contribution to history. It suggests that, all
+other avenues to fame closed against him, Lord CHARLES would have made
+an enduring name as a war correspondent.
+
+It is a circumstance incredible, save in view of the authority upon
+which it is stated, that, as part of the reward for his splendid service
+in the Soudan, Lord CHARLES narrowly escaped compulsory retirement from
+the Service before he had completed the time required to qualify for
+Flag Rank. The Queen's Regulations ordained that before a captain could
+win this prized position he must have completed a period of from five to
+six years of active service. In 1892, Lord CHARLES, the flag almost in
+reach of his hand, applied for permission to count-in the 315 days he
+was strenuously and brilliantly at work in the Soudan. The Board of
+Admiralty, invulnerable in their environment of red tape, refused the
+request, repeating the _non possumus_ when on two subsequent occasions
+the request was preferred.
+
+It must be admitted that the Board had no reason to regard Lord CHARLES
+with favour or even with equanimity. When returned to Parliament, the
+man who had superintended the mending of the boiler on the penny
+steamboat on the Nile, devoted himself to the bigger task of mending the
+Navy, at that time in an equally pitiful condition. During his brief and
+solitary term of office as Junior Lord of the Admiralty, Lord CHARLES,
+who thought he was put there to do some work, drew up a memorandum on
+the necessity of creating at the Admiralty a Naval Intelligence
+Department. The memorandum was laid before the Board, and the Junior
+Lord was told he was meddling with high matters that did not come within
+the scope of his business. A few weeks later a Naval Intelligence
+Department (of a sort) was created. _Sic vos non vobis._
+
+'Twas ever thus. Lord CHARLES, whether in office, on active service, or
+from his familiar place above the Gangway in the House of Commons,
+bringing to bear upon Naval affairs the gift of keen intuition and the
+endowment of long practical experience, has, with one exception, done
+more than any man living to deliver the Navy from mistakes inevitable in
+the case of the over-lordship of a civilian who is subject to currents
+of political and party feeling. By way of reward he has received more
+kicks than ha'pence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: GERMANISED TURKEY.
+
+"DERE YOU ARE, MEIN FRIENDT; DER SAME OLD FLAG MIT A _LEEDLE_
+DIFFERENCE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER RUINED TRADE.
+
+I had secured an empty compartment. Something in my blood makes me rush
+for an empty compartment. I suppose it is because I am a Briton, yet it
+was another Briton who intruded upon my privacy.
+
+At the first glance I saw that he would talk to me about the--well, what
+do you expect? I can always tell when men want to talk about it. Would
+that I had the same subtle instinct when they wish to borrow money! I
+was ready for him. If he said, "Have you heard?" I was going to answer,
+"About the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR ordering Lord FISHER to be
+imprisoned in the Tower as a spy? Why, my brother-in-law told me all
+about it last week."
+
+Instead he put his hand on my knee and asked, "Are you a German?"
+
+"Unless I am descended from HENGIST or HORSA," I replied, "there isn't
+an atom of culture in me."
+
+"Then I can confide in you. A disturbance is advancing in this direction
+from Eastern Europe."
+
+"You mean that the CROWN PRINCE is retreating towards us from Poland?"
+
+"No," he snapped. "And another disturbance is coming from the vicinity
+of Iceland."
+
+"Good heavens! This is too much. At my time of life how am I to learn
+how to pronounce Pzreykjavik."
+
+"Let me tell you what I prophesy for the next few days. Saturday will be
+bright."
+
+"Splendid! A cheerful week-end will do us all good."
+
+"Sunday will be gloomy, and on Monday will come the downfall."
+
+"WILLIAM'S or ours?"
+
+"Accompanied by strong south-westerly winds, rising to a gale, and a
+rapid fall of the barometer. So now you know. My mind is easy. I have
+told someone. I have been cruelly censored--only allowed to predict just
+wet or fine from day to day. I felt that I must tell someone. The Censor
+and Count ZEPPELIN between them were killing me."
+
+I pitied the agony of the professional weather forecaster. I promised to
+respect his confidence. I left the carriage proud of the fact that I was
+one of the two men in England who knew what Saturday's weather would be.
+That is why I left my umbrella at home while apparently every other man
+took his out. It is also the reason why my new topper was ruined. And
+now I wonder whether the prophet was mistaken, or whether at the last
+moment he detected signs of culture in me and lied.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an Indian paper:--
+
+    "The Germans are continuing the questionable tactics of sowing
+    floating mines in neutral waters to the danger of neutral shipping,
+    as well as of British and French war vessels. They are apparently
+    tying them in Paris, so as to make it more difficult to avoid them."
+
+As a result, the _Iron Duke_ has had to give up entirely its morning run
+down the Rue de Rivoli. At the same time we are glad to hear that these
+floating mines are tied. It stops them from floating quite so much.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE WINGS.
+
+(NOTE: _If this essay in the well-informed manner achieves any success,
+the credit is largely due to the timely interruptions of the Censor._)
+
+Few people, I think, realise the tremendous significance of waterproof
+overalls in a war like the present. I was talking to one of our most
+prominent Midland manufacturers at Sheringham the other day and he
+remarked confidentially [passage deleted by the Censor] at fifteen per
+cent. reduction to our soldiers for spot cash.
+
+       * * *
+
+Which reminds me of a stifling Malta afternoon, when I first saw the
+good ship _Sheringham_ steam slowly up through the haze of Sliema Creek.
+It was in the early days of the Navy's grey-paint era. The change was a
+drastic one, as all service-men admitted. And why grey? I make no secret
+of the fact that I have always advocated ultramarine for the
+Mediterranean station; but the Grey Water School, you know--well, there,
+I must not be indiscreet.
+
+       * * *
+
+Life on a cruiser may be the tally for some, but give me the nimble
+t.b.d.! There you have none of "the great monotony of sea" which drove
+W.M.T. to his five meals a day. Nothing but the charming _fraternite_ of
+the ward-room, the delightful inconsequences of the chart-house kitten,
+and the throb of the oil-fed turbine! Unless I am greatly mistaken
+[passage deleted by the Censor--which shows that I wasn't].
+
+       * * *
+
+I was dining the other evening at the Buckingham Palace with a friend
+who is well known in Foreign Office circles. The conversation turned,
+naturally enough, on the dangers in our midst from foreign waiters. The
+English waiter who was attending us happened at the moment to dislodge
+with his elbow a wine-list which, in falling, decanted a quantity of
+Sauterne into the lap of my _vis-a-vis_, who remarked [passage deleted
+by the Censor].
+
+       * * *
+
+I learn from reliable sources that one wing of our "contemptible little
+army" is resting upon ----. Dear old ----! How often have I wandered down
+your sleepy little High Street to the _epicerie_ of our lively old
+_Therese_! But that was in the old days, before the black arts of
+Kaiserism transformed the peace of yesterday into the Armageddon of
+to-day. Next week I shall deal more intimately with life behind the
+scenes in German frontier towns; but you must wait with what patience
+you can for these further confidences.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "NO, SIR, THEY WOULDN'T TAKE OUR FRED, 'COS THEY SAID
+HE'D A-GOT BELLICOSE VEINS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREY GIBBONS.
+
+  With fingers too canny to bungle,
+    With footsteps too cunning to swerve,
+  They swing through the heights of the jungle,
+    These stalwarts of infinite nerve;
+  Blithe sailors who heed not the breezes
+    Which play round their riggings and spars,
+  Lithe gymnasts who live on trapezes
+        And parallel bars.
+
+  In ballrooms of plantain and mango
+    They scamper, they slither and slide
+  In the throes of a tropical tango,
+    In the grip of a Gibbony glide;
+  'Tis thus in these desolate spaces,
+    Away from humanity's ken,
+  They mimic the civilised races
+        And strive to be men.
+
+  As the grey little acrobats patter
+    O'er creepers of myriad shapes,
+  They mouth not the meaningless chatter
+    Of dull and demoralised apes;
+  But, proud of their portion as creatures
+    Who know not the stigma of tails,
+  They screw up their weather-worn features
+        And practise their scales.
+
+  And oft in this primitive Eden
+    When I study some antic that hints
+  At the physical fitness of Sweden,
+    The speed of American sprints,
+  I dream of the wreaths and the ribbons
+    Their prowess would certainly win,
+  If there weren't any war, and my gibbons
+       Could go to Berlin.
+
+  J. M. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY FAVOURITE PAPER.
+
+BY A VORACIOUS READER.
+
+All day long I read the papers that keep this little island noisy and
+tell us how we ought to be governed. I can't help it. I want to know the
+latest, and reading the papers seems (more or less) the way to get at
+it. The best way of all, of course, is to meet a man at a club or a
+resident in a locality favoured by retired colonels; but, in default of
+those advantages, one must buy the papers. And then of course it follows
+that one reads far too many papers and gets one's head far too full of
+war news. Still, what would you have? The war is so eminently first and
+everything else nowhere that this is inevitable.
+
+Outside suggestion has its share, too. Morning papers are a matter of
+course. One reads one's regular morning papers and no others. But after
+that the trouble begins with the evening paper placards, each with its
+lure. How can one resist them? The progress of the Allies! The repulsing
+of the enemy! The ten miles gained! The Russian advance! A German
+cruiser sunk! Each newsman has a different bait, and as the day goes on
+they become more attractive, so that one goes to bed at night filled
+with optimism. Well, these all have to be bought.
+
+Speaking as a reader of too many of them I must admit to a grievance or
+two; and the chief is the difficulty that we have in finding the
+fulfilment of all the promises which are set out in the headings to the
+principal war news. For example, I find among these headings on the day
+on which I write a reference to a German admission of failure and
+dismay. But can I find the thing itself? I cannot. It may be there, but
+again and again has my eye travelled up and down the columns seeking the
+nutritious morsel and not yet has it alighted thereon, and that is but
+one case out of many. Sometimes after a long hunt I do track these
+joyful tit-bits down, and then discover that they are separated from the
+heading by several columns. Some day a newspaper editor will arise who
+can achieve a really useful index to his contents. _The Times_ used to
+have something of the sort, but under the stress of battle that has
+gone.
+
+Another grievance--but I shall say no more on that subject. Grievances
+are for peace time, when a general huffiness and stuffiness about the
+way that everyone else conducts business is natural and indeed expected.
+In wartime no one should be harassed by criticism. So I pass on to the
+paper which I like best of all those now being published. I like it
+because it contains the news I most want to read, and every day, or
+rather every night, it gets better and will continue to get better until
+the Brandenberg gate opens to let the Allies in. This paper is not a
+morning paper and not an evening paper. It is published at night, in the
+smallest of the small hours, and I am its sole subscriber, for it is the
+paper of my dreams. Whether or not I am its editor I could not say. That
+question leads to the greater one which would need a volume for its
+decision: Do we compose our own dreams, or are they provided by Ole Luk
+Oie or some other dream-spinner? Anyway, no one can read the paper of my
+dreams but I, and it is, after all, the best reading. It contains the
+oddest things. Last night it had a fine article about a football match
+in the North of England. Twenty-two terrific fellows, whose united
+salaries came to a respectable fortune and whose united transfer fees,
+should their Clubs ever let them go, would be sufficient to build a
+_Dreadnought_, had been charging up and down the ground in a series of
+magnificent rushes, while ten thousand North of England lads roared
+themselves hoarse to see such glory. Suddenly a newspaper boy, reckless
+of his life, dashed on to the ground with a placard stating that a whole
+regiment of British soldiers had been trapped by a German ruse and
+annihilated. In an instant the game was broken up and every player and
+every spectator who was of age ran like hares to the nearest recruiting
+office and enrolled themselves as soldiers. They had seen in a flash
+that the only chance for England to get rid of this German menace was
+for every eligible man to do his share.
+
+In another part of the paper I read of a young and powerful man in an
+English village who, on being asked if he did not think that England was
+in danger, replied "Yes." He was then asked if he did not think that it
+was necessary to fight for her, and he replied "Yes" again. He was then
+asked who in his opinion were the most suitable volunteers to come to
+her aid, and he replied, "Other people." So far the story is not
+appreciably different from a story that you might read anywhere. But the
+version in my paper stated that he was seized by all the company present
+and not only ducked in the nearest horse-pond but held under the water
+for quite a long time, and then held under the water again.
+
+And another article--a most exciting one--described the success of a
+British aviator who flew over Essen and dropped five bombs on KRUPP'S
+gun factory and did irreparable damage. I forget his name, but, although
+he was pursued, he got clear away and returned to the Allies' lines.
+There was a fellow for you!
+
+So you see that I get some good reading out of my favourite paper. And
+more is to come!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF WAR.
+
+  Now woe is me! My treasure, my delight,
+    My guerdon after many toilsome days,
+  Shall gladden me no more. It was a sight
+    To bid men gape in wonderment, and praise
+  My patient courage that endured despite
+    The gibes of friends and Delia's pitying ways.
+      Ah, cruel fate that forced my hand to snip
+      Such costly growth as graced my upper lip!
+
+  Moustache most cherished! Not as other men
+    That let their lush growth riot as it will,
+  With just a formal waxing now and then,
+    Did I maintain it. Nay, with loving skill
+  And all the precious oils within the ken
+    Of cunning alchemists I strove until
+      Its soaring points aspired to pierce the skies,
+      And I was martial in my Delia's eyes.
+
+  Great store of gold I lavished. Yea, I went
+    To one that works in metals and I bought
+  A kind of dreadful iron instrument
+    With leathern straps, most wonderfully wrought,
+  And wore that horror nightly, well content
+    To bear such anguish for the prize I sought.
+      And all this patient toil was thrown away--
+      They stoned me for the KAISER yesterday!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a time when every penny that can be spared is needed for the help of
+our soldiers in the field and of our wounded, or to relieve the distress
+of the Belgian refugees or our own sufferers from the War, a public
+appeal is being made to the citizens of Newcastle-on-Tyne for
+subscriptions to a fund for presenting a testimonial to their Lord
+Mayor, on the ground that he has done his duty. We beg to offer our
+respectful sympathy to the LORD MAYOR of Newcastle-on-Tyne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Colonel of Swashbucklers._ "NAH THEN, SWANK! THE WIMMIN
+CAN LOOK ARTER THEIRSELVES. YOU 'OP IT AND JINE YER REGIMENT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TOBACCO PLANT.
+
+I had done the second hole (from the vegetable-marrow frame to the
+mulberry-tree) in two, and was about to proceed to the third hole by the
+potting-shed when I thought I would go in and convey the glad news to
+Joan. I found her seated at the table in the breakfast-room with what
+appeared to be a heap of tea spread out upon a newspaper in front of
+her. Little slips of torn tissue-paper littered the floor, and on a
+chair by her side were several empty cardboard boxes. The sight was so
+novel that I forgot the object of my errand.
+
+"What's all that tea for, and what are you doing with it?" I asked.
+
+"It isn't tea; it's tobacco," Joan replied, "and I'm making cigarettes
+for the soldiers at the front."
+
+"Where on earth did you get that tobacco from, if it _is_ tobacco?" I
+went on.
+
+"Let me see now," mused Joan, pausing to lick a cigarette-paper--"was it
+from the greengrocer's or the butcher's? Ah! I remember. It was from the
+tobacconist's."
+
+Joan gets like that sometimes, but I do not encourage her.
+
+"But what made you choose this Hottentot stuff?" I enquired.
+
+"The soldiers like it strong," Joan replied, "and this looked about the
+strongest he'd got."
+
+"What does it call itself?"
+
+"It was anonymous when I bought it, but you'll no doubt see its name on
+the bill when it comes in."
+
+"Thanks very much," I said. "That's what I should call forcible
+fleecing. Not that I mind in a good cause----"
+
+"Isn't it ingenious?" interrupted Joan. "You just put the tobacco in
+between the rollers, and twiddle this button round until--until you've
+twiddled it round enough; then you slip in a cigarette-paper--like
+that--moisten the edge of it--twiddle the button round once more--open
+the lid--and shake out the finished article--_comme ca!_"
+
+An imperfect cylindrical object fell on to the floor. I stooped to pick
+it up and the inside fell out. I collected the _debris_ in the palm of
+my hand.
+
+"How many of these have you made?" I asked.
+
+"Only three thoroughly reliable ones, including _that_ one," she
+replied. "I've rolled ever so many more, but the tobacco _will_ fall
+out."
+
+"Here, let me give you a hand," I suggested. "I'll roll and you lick."
+
+"No," said Joan kindly but firmly. "You don't quite grasp the situation.
+I want to do something. I can't make shirts or knit comforters. I've
+tried and failed. My shirts look like pillow-cases, and anything more
+comfortless than my comforters I couldn't imagine. I wouldn't ask a
+beggar to wear an article I had made, much less an Absent-Minded
+Beggar."
+
+"What about that tie you knitted for me last Christmas?" I said.
+
+"Yes," said Joan; "what about it? That's what I want to know. You
+haven't worn it once."
+
+It was true, I hadn't. The tie in question was an attempt to hybridise
+the respective colour-schemes of a tartan plaid and a Neapolitan ice.
+
+"That," I explained, "is because I've never had a suit which would set
+it off as it deserves to be set off. However, if I can't help I won't
+hinder you. I only came in to say that I had done the second hole in
+two. I thought you would like to know I had beaten bogey." And I
+retired, taking with me the little heap of tobacco and the hollow tube
+of paper.
+
+When I reached the seclusion of the mulberry-tree I found that the paper
+had become ungummed, so I placed the tobacco in it and succeeded after a
+while in rolling it up. The result, though somewhat attenuated, was
+recognisably a cigarette. I lit it, and when I had finished coughing I
+came to the conclusion that if only I could induce Joan to present her
+gift to the German troops instead of to our Tommies it would precipitate
+our ultimate triumph. I had to eat several mulberries before I felt
+capable of proceeding to the third hole. When I got there (in two) I
+found it occupied by a squadron of wasps while reinforcements were
+rapidly coming up from a hole beneath the shed. Being hopelessly
+outnumbered I contented myself with a strategical movement necessitating
+several stiff rearguard actions.
+
+       * * *
+
+Joan, growing a little more proficient, had in a couple of days made 500
+cigarettes. I had undertaken to despatch them, and one morning she came
+to me with a neatly-tied-up parcel.
+
+"Here they are," she said; "but you must ask at the Post Office how they
+should be addressed. I've stuck on a label."
+
+I went out, taking the parcel with me, and walked straight to the
+tobacconist's.
+
+"Please pack up 1,000 Hareems," I said, "and post them to the British
+Expeditionary Force. Mark the label 'Cigarettes for the use of the
+troops.' And look here, I owe you for a pound of tobacco my wife bought
+the other day. I'll square up for that at the same time. By-the-by, what
+tobacco was it?"
+
+"Well, Sir," the man replied, "I hardly like to admit it in these times,
+but it was a tobacco grown in German East Africa. It really isn't fit to
+smoke, and is only good for destroying wasps' nests or fumigating
+greenhouses, which I thought your lady wanted it for, seeing as how she
+picked it out for herself. Some ladies nowadays know as much about
+tobacco as what we do."
+
+I left the shop hurriedly. The problem of the disposal of Joan's
+well-meaning gift was now solved. I returned home and furtively stole up
+the side path into the garden. Under cover of the summer-house I undid
+the parcel and proceeded rapidly to strip the paper from those of the
+cigarettes that had not already become hollow mockeries. When I had
+collected all the tobacco I went in search of the gardener, and
+encountered him returning from one of his numerous meals.
+
+"Wilkins," I said, "there is a wasps' nest on the third green, and here
+is some special wasp-eradicator. Will you conduct the fumigation?"
+
+As Joan and I were walking round the garden that evening before dinner
+Joan said--
+
+"I don't want to blush to find it fame, but--do you know--I prefer doing
+good by stealth."
+
+A faint but unmistakable odour was borne on the air from the direction
+of the third green.
+
+"So do I," I said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NATIONAL GUESTS.
+
+My wife attributes our success (so far) in the entertainment of Belgian
+Refugees solely to the fact that we have not, and never have had, a
+vestige of a committee. We all work along in the jolliest possible way,
+and we have no meetings, or agenda, or minutes, or co-opting of
+additional members, or remitting to executives or anything of that kind.
+We just bring along anything that we think will be useful. Some of us
+bring clothes and others butter or umbrellas, or French books, or
+razor-strops or cigarettes. Hepburn, the dairy farmer, keeps sending
+cart-loads of cabbages; old Miss Mackintosh at the Brae Foot sends
+threepence a week. And when we are short of anything we just stick up a
+notice to that effect in the village shop. I issued a call for jam
+yesterday and ever since it has rained pots and pots. We have three
+large families of Belgians and we have already got to the stage where
+the men are at work and the children at school--though no one really has
+the least idea what they do there.
+
+But although I admit that it is magnificent to be without a
+committee--we escaped from that by the simple plan of getting the
+Belgians first and trusting to the goodwill of the Parish to take care
+of them afterwards--there are other important factors in our success.
+There is our extraordinary foresight--of course it was a pure fluke
+really--in obtaining among them a real Belgian policeman. You can have
+no idea what a fine sense of security that gives us in case anything
+goes wrong. We have already enjoyed his assistance in a variety of ways,
+and we have something still in reserve in the very unlikely event of his
+being professionally called in--his uniform. When we put him into his
+uniform the effect will be tremendous.
+
+Then again we have the advantage of being Scotch. I simply don't know
+how English country people are going to get on at all. Here we find that
+by talking with great emphasis in the very broadest Scotch--by simply
+calling soap _sape_ and a church a _kirk_ you can quite frequently bring
+it off and make yourself understood. I had a most exhilarating hour of
+mutual lucidity with the one that makes furniture in the carpenter's
+shop. It seemed to me that he called a saw a _zog_, which was surely
+quite good enough; and when he referred to a hammer as a _hamer_ it
+might surely be said to be equivalent to calling a spade a spade.
+
+Still the language difficulty remains, and the worst of it is that it
+gives an altogether unfair advantage--where all are so anxious to
+help--to the few select people in our neighbourhood who happen to be
+able, fortuitously, to talk French. They are--(1) Dr. Anderson, whose
+French is very good; (2) my wife, who is amazingly fluent in a crisis,
+though her constructions simply don't bear thinking of; (3) the
+school-master, who is weak; (4) the joiner, who is bad; (5) myself, who
+am awful. Several of our Refugees talk French.
+
+Of course we all have pocket-dictionaries, but even they don't always
+help us out. I found my wife once engaged in a desperate hand-to-hand
+encounter with the one who does the cooking about some household
+necessity that was sadly lacking. She was completely baffled. It was
+pure stalemate, a deadlock. I pulled out my dictionary and suggested to
+the cook (by illuminative signs) that she should look it up and point to
+the English word. There was some rejoicing at this, and she at once
+called upon the collective wisdom of her whole family. At last they got
+it with much nodding of heads and exhibited the book, buttressed with an
+eager finger at the place. And we looked and read "A young gold-finch;"
+so you will see that that didn't help us much. It was only by the almost
+miraculous emergence of the word _Fat_ in the course of their own
+private conversation shortly afterwards that light came to us.
+
+That they are quite at a loss to understand the meaning of honey in the
+comb did not greatly surprise us--though it was rather queer--but the
+Parish is deeply distressed at their total ignorance of oatmeal. They
+are quite at sea there, and so far have only employed it for baiting a
+bird-trap: and that touches us closely, for the very foundation of our
+being in these parts is oatmeal. Even their beautiful devotion to
+vegetables of all sorts cannot, we feel, compensate for their attitude
+of negation towards this very staple of existence. There is a strong
+party among us bent on their conversion. We hope with all our hearts
+that they will be comfortable and contented among us till the day comes
+when they can return to their own country; and we feel that their exile
+will not have been entirely wasted if they have learned to appreciate
+the purpose fulfilled by porridge in the Divine Order of things.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: WORD PERFECT.
+
+_Sentry_ (_on duty for first time_). "'ALT! WHO GOES THERE? ADVANCE TO
+WITHIN FIVE PACES, AND GIVE THE COUNTERSIGN 'WATERLOO.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In the good old days when that royal pipsqueak, our FIRST JAMES, came to
+the throne, if you were a physician of a little more than common skill
+and furnished with theological opinions of a modernist complexion, or a
+lonely woman with (or without) some cunning in the matter of herbs, who
+cherished a peculiar (or normal) pussy-cat, you were quite likely to be
+burnt out of hand. And, in her competent way, MARY JOHNSTON, in _The
+Witch_ (CONSTABLE), deals with this dark blot on the escutcheon of
+Christianity. Through what suffering and what joys _Dr. Aderhold_, the
+kindly free-thinking mystic, and _Joan Heron_, the simple village maid,
+found their ultimate and, for the times, merciful release by halter in
+place of fire, readers who have nerves to spare for horror will read
+with eagerness. It is indeed a dreadful story. Miss JOHNSTON is not one
+of your novelists who lets herself off the contemporary document, and on
+her reputation you may take it she is not far out. The grim tale serves
+to show to what lengths the force of suggestion will, in times of
+excitement, carry folk otherwise sober and truthful. Manifestly
+preposterous evidence, freely given, was freely admitted by trained
+legal minds--evidence on which innocent lives were sacrificed at the
+average rate of over a thousand a month in England and Scotland in the
+two centuries of the chief witch-baiting period. But, after all, have we
+not, most of us, near relations who saw a quarter-of-a-million of
+astrakanned Russians steal through England in the dead of an August
+night? And have we not---- But I grow tedious. _The Witch_ is an
+eminently readable story of adventure of the coincidental kind.
+
+       * * *
+
+What I like best in the stories of Mr. W. W. JACOBS, apart from their
+mere hilarity, is their triumphant vindication of the right to jest.
+They spread themselves before me like a pageant representing the
+graceful submission of the easy dupe. They tempt me to filch away chairs
+from beneath stout and elderly gentlemen who are about to sit down. Take
+the case of _Sergeant-Major Farrer_ in _Night Watches_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON). He was afraid of nothing on earth, or off it, but ghosts,
+and he despised the weedy young man who was in love with his daughter.
+So the weedy young man dared him to come to a haunted cottage at
+midnight, and, dressed up as a spectre, terrified the soldier into
+something more than a strategic retreat, with the result that he
+surrendered his daughter. In real life of course it is different. I know
+a colour-sergeant, and somehow I rather think that if I--but never mind.
+In Mr. JACOBS' beautiful world, as it is with _Mr. Farrer_ so is it with
+_Peter Russet_, with _Ginger Dick_ and with _Sam Small_. They know when
+the laugh is against them, and, waiving the appeal to force or to law,
+they grumble but retire. There is one exercise in the gruesome in _Night
+Watches_, but it hardly shows Mr. JACOBS at his best in this particular
+vein. There are also several charming illustrations by Mr. STANLEY
+DAVIS, executed with a buff tint, which help to sustain the gossamer
+illusion.
+
+       * * *
+
+If I were a woman I should always be a little irritated with any story
+which shows two women in love with the same man. Miss MAY SINCLAIR in
+her new novel does not mind how much she annoys her own sex. She shows
+us no fewer than three women engaged in this competition, and they are
+sisters. True, there was not much choice for them in their lonely
+moorland village, which contained a young doctor and no other eligible
+man. Of this fellow _Rowcliffe_ we are told that "his eyes were liable
+in repose to become charged with a curious and engaging pathos," an
+attraction which had broken many hearts before the story opened, and
+gave to their owner a great sense of confidence in himself. This set me
+against him at the start, but the three sisters, as I said, were not in
+a position to be fastidious. _Mary's_ love for him was of the
+social-domestic kind; _Gwenda's_ was spiritual; _Alice's_ frankly
+physical. Though alleged to be "as good as gold," _Alice_, the youngest
+of _The Three Sisters_ (HUTCHINSON), was one of those hysterical women
+who threaten to die or go mad unless they get married--a very unpleasant
+fact for a young doctor to have to discuss with her sister, and for us
+to read about. Indeed, if I were to tell in all its incredible crudity
+the story of the relations of this gently-bred girl with the drunken
+farmer who, to her knowledge, had previously betrayed her own
+servant-girl, I think even Miss SINCLAIR would be revolted. Her exposure
+of certain secret things which common decency agrees to leave in silence
+is a treachery to her sex, not excusable on grounds of physiological
+interest; and I, for one, who was loud in my praise of the fine
+qualities of her great romance, _The Divine Fire_, confess to a sense of
+almost personal sorrow that such high gifts as hers, which still show no
+trace of decline in craftsmanship, should have suffered so much taint. I
+sincerely hope that the noble work she is now doing with the Red Cross
+at the front--where the best wishes of her many friends follow her--may
+make more clear the claim that is laid upon her to devote her
+exceptional powers as a writer to the higher issues of life and death;
+or, at the least, to something cleaner and sweeter than the morbid
+atmosphere of her present theme.
+
+       * * *
+
+It has been my private conviction that the most depressing and
+shuddersome of all natural prospects is the wide expanse of mud and
+slime to be found at low water in the estuary of a tidal river. Such
+scenes have always been singularly abhorrent to me. Mr. "ADRIAN ROSS"
+appears to share this feeling, for out of one of them he has made the
+novel and very effective setting for his bogie-tale, _The Hole of the
+Pit_ (ARNOLD). It is a story of the Civil Wars, though these have less
+to do with the action than the uncivil and very gruesome war waged
+between the Lord of Deeping Castle and the Unseen Thing that lived in
+the Pit. The Pit itself is real joy. It was covered always by the tide,
+but could be distinguished by a darker shadow on the surface of the
+sluggish stream, a shadow streaked at times by wavering bands of greyish
+slime, strangely agitated.... There were smells, too, dank, sodden,
+drowned smells that came in upon the sea mist. Moreover, Deeping Castle
+I can only describe as an eligible residence for the immortal _Fat Boy_.
+It was built right upon the water, within convenient distance, as the
+auctioneers say, of the Pit; and between the two of them your flesh is
+made to creep more than you would believe possible. As for the great
+scene where the Thing finally gets out of the Pit, and comes slobbering
+and sucking round the castle walls--I cannot hope to convey to you the
+horror of it. Perhaps you may feel with me that Mr. Ross has been at
+times a little too confident that the undoubted thrill of his bogie
+would save it from being unintentionally funny. I confess I did laugh
+once in the wrong place. But everywhere else I shivered with the fearful
+joy that only the best in this kind can produce.
+
+       * * *
+
+I remember that I have before this admired the mixture of cheerful
+cynicism and dry humour that is the speciality of Mr. MAX RITTENBERG. He
+has shown it again in _Every Man His Price_ (METHUEN), but hardly, I
+think, to quite the same effect as formerly. My feeling about the book
+was that it started with a first-class idea for a plot of comedy and
+intrigue, but that the author, instead of being contented with this,
+wanted to give us a novel of character-development on the grand scale,
+and somewhat spoilt his work in the attempt. The earlier chapters could
+hardly have been better. There was a real snap in the struggle between
+the English hero, _Hilary Warde_, who had nearly perfected a system of
+wireless telephony, and the Berlin magnates who wished to bluff him out
+of the results. As I say, I liked these early scenes and some others
+subsequently that dealt with rather sensational finance (it always
+cheers me up when the hero makes half-a-million pounds in a single
+chapter!) better than those that had to do with _Warde's_ domestic
+entanglements and the deterioration of his character. And the climax
+seemed inadequate to the point of bathos. But there is much in the tale
+to enjoy; and you might read it if only for a vivid word-picture of what
+Berlin used to be like before the beginning of the great _debacle_. This
+has now an interest almost historical.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Hedger._ "THERE'S AWFUL ACCOUNTS IN THIS 'ERE PAPER OF THEY
+GERMANS--SEEMS THERE'S SOME PEOPLE AS DON'T 'OLD _NOTHING_ SACRED."
+
+Huntsman. "AH! YOU MAY SAY SO! AND IT AIN'T ONLY GERMANS. ONLY LAST
+NIGHT I FOUND AS FINE A DOG-FOX AS EVER I SEE _WITH A BULLET-WOUND
+THROUGH 'IS 'EART!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TURKISH AMBASSADOR LEAVES BORDEAUX.
+
+    The Turkish Ambassador left Paris yesterday on a visit to Biarritz.
+    He announced before leaving that he would return. This was the first
+    visit paid by the Turkish Ambassador for over a fortnight. He did
+    not see Sir Edward Grey, but had a long conference with Sir Arthur
+    Nicolson, Permanent Under-Secretary."
+
+    _Edinburgh Evening News._
+
+The only possible answer to this extraordinary conduct was a declaration
+of war.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, November 11, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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