diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/aldat10.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/aldat10.txt | 1613 |
1 files changed, 1613 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/aldat10.txt b/old/aldat10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..64c319f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/aldat10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1613 @@ +*Project Gutenberg's A Little Dinner at Timmins's, by Thackeray* +#26 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. The words +are carefully chosen to provide users with the information they +need about what they can legally do with the texts. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + +Presently, contributions are only being solicited from people in: +Texas, Nevada, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, South Dakota, +Iowa, Indiana, and Vermont. As the requirements for other states +are met, additions to this list will be made and fund raising will +begin in the additional states. These donations should be made to: + +Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +PMB 113 +1739 University Ave. +Oxford, MS 38655 + + +Title: A Little Dinner at Timmins's + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: October, 2001 [Etext #2859] + +Edition: 10 + + +Project Gutenberg's A Little Dinner at Timmins's, by Thackeray +*****This file should be named aldat10.txt or aldat10.zip***** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, aldat11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, aldat10a.txt + + +This etext was prepared by Donald Lainson, charlie@idirect.com. + +Project Gutenberg Etexts are usually created from multiple editions, +all of which are in the Public Domain in the United States, unless a +copyright notice is included. Therefore, we usually do NOT keep any +of these books in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +We are now trying to release all our books one year in advance +of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing. +Please be encouraged to send us error messages even years after +the official publication date. + +Please note: neither this list nor its contents are final till +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. + +Most people start at our sites at: +http://gutenberg.net +http://promo.net/pg + + +Those of you who want to download our Etexts before announcment +can surf to them as follows, and just download by date; this is +also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the +indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an +announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter. + +http://metalab.unc.edu/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext01 +or +ftp://metalab.unc.edu/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext01 + +Or /etext00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90 + +Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want, +as it appears in our Newsletters. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours +to get any etext selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. This +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If our value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour this year as we release fifty new Etext +files per month, or 500 more Etexts in 2000 for a total of 3000+ +If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total +should reach over 300 billion Etexts given away by year's end. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away One Trillion Etext +Files by December 31, 2001. [10,000 x 100,000,000 = 1 Trillion] +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users. + +At our revised rates of production, we will reach only one-third +of that goal by the end of 2001, or about 3,333 Etexts unless we +manage to get some real funding. + +Something is needed to create a future for Project Gutenberg for +the next 100 years. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +Presently, contributions are only being solicited from people in: +Texas, Nevada, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, South Dakota, +Iowa, Indiana, and Vermont. As the requirements for other states +are met, additions to this list will be made and fund raising will +begin in the additional states. + +All donations should be made to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation and will be tax deductible to the extent +permitted by law. + +Mail to: + +Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +PMB 113 +1739 University Avenue +Oxford, MS 38655 [USA] + +We are working with the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation to build more stable support and ensure the +future of Project Gutenberg. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +You can get up to date donation information at: + +http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html + + +*** + +You can always email directly to: + +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> + +hart@pobox.com forwards to hart@prairienet.org and archive.org +if your mail bounces from archive.org, I will still see it, if +it bounces from prairienet.org, better resend later on. . . . + +We would prefer to send you this information by email. + + +Example command-line FTP session: + +ftp metalab.unc.edu +login: anonymous +password: your@login +cd pub/docs/books/gutenberg +cd etext90 through etext99 or etext00 through etext01, etc. +dir [to see files] +get or mget [to get files. . .set bin for zip files] +GET GUTINDEX.?? [to get a year's listing of books, e.g., GUTINDEX.99] +GET GUTINDEX.ALL [to get a listing of ALL books] + + +**The Legal Small Print** + + +(Three Pages) + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you can distribute copies of this etext if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this etext on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etexts, +is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart +through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project"). +Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext +under the Project's "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] the Project (and any other party you may receive this +etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold the Project, its directors, +officers, members and agents harmless from all liability, cost +and expense, including legal fees, that arise directly or +indirectly from any of the following that you do or cause: +[1] distribution of this etext, [2] alteration, modification, +or addition to the etext, or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + etext or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word pro- + cessing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the etext (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Project of 20% of the + gross profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation" + the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were + legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent + periodic) tax return. Please contact us beforehand to + let us know your plans and to work out the details. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time, +public domain etexts, and royalty free copyright licenses. +If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or +software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at: +hart@pobox.com + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.07.00*END* + + + + + +A LITTLE DINNER AT TIMMINS'S. + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +I. + + +Mr. and Mrs. Fitzroy Timmins live in Lilliput Street, that neat +little street which runs at right angles with the Park and +Brobdingnag Gardens. It is a very genteel neighborhood, and I need +not say they are of a good family. + +Especially Mrs. Timmins, as her mamma is always telling Mr. T. +They are Suffolk people, and distantly related to the Right +honorable the Earl of Bungay. + +Besides his house in Lilliput Street, Mr. Timmins has chambers in +Fig-tree Court, Temple, and goes the Northern Circuit. + +The other day, when there was a slight difference about the payment +of fees between the great Parliamentary Counsel and the Solicitors, +Stoke and Pogers, of Great George Street, sent the papers of the +Lough Foyle and Lough Corrib Junction Railway to Mr. Fitzroy +Timmins, who was so elated that he instantly purchased a couple of +looking-glasses for his drawing-rooms (the front room is 16 by 12, +and the back, a tight but elegant apartment, 10 ft. 6 by 8 ft. 4), +a coral for the baby, two new dresses for Mrs. Timmins, and a +little rosewood desk, at the Pantechnicon, for which Rosa had long +been sighing, with crumpled legs, emerald-green and gold morocco +top, and drawers all over. + +Mrs. Timmins is a very pretty poetess (her "Lines to a Faded Tulip" +and her "Plaint of Plinlimmon" appeared in one of last year's +Keepsakes); and Fitzroy, as he impressed a kiss on the snowy +forehead of his bride, pointed out to her, in one of the +innumerable pockets of the desk, an elegant ruby-tipped pen, and +six charming little gilt blank books, marked "My Books," which Mrs. +Fitzroy might fill, he said, (he is an Oxford man, and very +polite,) "with the delightful productions of her Muse." Besides +these books, there was pink paper, paper with crimson edges, lace +paper, all stamped with R. F. T. (Rosa Fitzroy Timmins) and the +hand and battle-axe, the crest of the Timminses (and borne at +Ascalon by Roaldus de Timmins, a crusader, who is now buried in the +Temple Church, next to Serjeant Snooks), and yellow, pink, light- +blue and other scented sealing waxes, at the service of Rosa when +she chose to correspond with her friends. + +Rosa, you may be sure, jumped with joy at the sight of this sweet +present; called her Charles (his first name is Samuel, but they +have sunk that) the best of men; embraced him a great number of +times, to the edification of her buttony little page, who stood at +the landing; and as soon as he was gone to chambers, took the new +pen and a sweet sheet of paper, and began to compose a poem. + +"What shall it be about?" was naturally her first thought. "What +should be a young mother's first inspiration?" Her child lay on +the sofa asleep before her; and she began in her neatest hand-- + + + "LINES + +"ON MY SON BUNGAY DE BRACY GASHLEIGH TYMMYNS, AGED TEN MONTHS. + + "Tuesday. + + "How beautiful! how beautiful thou seemest, + My boy, my precious one, my rosy babe! + Kind angels hover round thee, as thou dreamest: + Soft lashes hide thy beauteous azure eye which gleamest." + + +"Gleamest? thine eye which gleamest? Is that grammar?" thought +Rosa, who had puzzled her little brains for some time with this +absurd question, when the baby woke. Then the cook came up to ask +about dinner; then Mrs. Fundy slipped over from No. 27 (they are +opposite neighbors, and made an acquaintance through Mrs. Fundy's +macaw); and a thousand things happened. Finally, there was no +rhyme to babe except Tippoo Saib (against whom Major Gashleigh, +Rosa's grandfather, had distinguished himself), and so she gave up +the little poem about her De Bracy. + +Nevertheless, when Fitzroy returned from chambers to take a walk +with his wife in the Park, as he peeped through the rich tapestry +hanging which divided the two drawing-rooms, he found his dear girl +still seated at the desk, and writing, writing away with her ruby +pen as fast as it could scribble. + +"What a genius that child has!" he said; "why, she is a second Mrs. +Norton!" and advanced smiling to peep over her shoulder and see +what pretty thing Rosa was composing. + +It was not poetry, though, that she was writing, and Fitz read as +follows:-- + + + "LILLIPUT STREET, Tuesday, 22nd May. + +"Mr. and Mr. Fitzroy Tymmyns request the pleasure of Sir Thomas and +Lady Kicklebury's company at dinner on Wednesday, at 7 1/2 o'clock." + + +"My dear!" exclaimed the barrister, pulling a long face. + +"Law, Fitzroy!" cried the beloved of his bosom, "how you do startle +one!" + +"Give a dinner-party with our means!" said he. + +"Ain't you making a fortune, you miser?" Rosa said. "Fifteen +guineas a day is four thousand five hundred a year; I've calculated +it." And, so saying, she rose and taking hold of his whiskers +(which are as fine as those of any man of his circuit,) she put her +mouth close up against his and did something to his long face, +which quite changed the expression of it; and which the little page +heard outside the door. + +"Our dining-room won't hold ten," he said. + +"We'll only ask twenty, my love. Ten are sure to refuse in this +season, when everybody is giving parties. Look, here is the list." + +"Earl and Countess of Bungay, and Lady Barbara Saint Mary's." + +"You are dying to get a lord into the house," Timmins said (HE had +not altered his name in Fig-tree Court yet, and therefore I am not +so affected as to call him TYMMYNS). + +"Law, my dear, they are our cousins, and must be asked," Rosa said. + +"Let us put down my sister and Tom Crowder, then." + +"Blanche Crowder is really so VERY fat, Fitzroy," his wife said, +"and our rooms are so VERY small." + +Fitz laughed. "You little rogue," he said, "Lady Bungay weighs two +of Blanche, even when she's not in the f--" + +"Fiddlesticks!" Rose cried out. "Doctor Crowder really cannot be +admitted: he makes such a noise eating his soup, that it is really +quite disagreeable." And she imitated the gurgling noise performed +by the Doctor while inhausting his soup, in such a funny way that +Fitz saw inviting him was out of the question. + +"Besides, we mustn't have too many relations," Rosa went on. +"Mamma, of course, is coming. She doesn't like to be asked in the +evening; and she'll bring her silver bread-basket and her +candlesticks, which are very rich and handsome." + +"And you complain of Blanche for being too stout!" groaned out +Timmins. + +"Well, well, don't be in a pet," said little Rosa. "The girls +won't come to dinner; but will bring their music afterwards." And +she went on with the list. + +"Sir Thomas and Lady Kicklebury, 2. No saying no: we MUST ask +them, Charles. They are rich people, and any room in their house +in Brobdingnag Gardens would swallow up OUR humble cot. But to +people in OUR position in SOCIETY they will be glad enough to come. +The city people are glad to mix with the old families." + +"Very good," says Fitz, with a sad face of assent--and Mrs. Timmins +went on reading her list. + +"Mr. and Mrs. Topham Sawyer, Belgravine Place." + +"Mrs. Sawyer hasn't asked you all the season. She gives herself +the airs of an empress; and when--" + +"One's Member, you know, my dear, one must have," Rosa replied, +with much dignity as if the presence of the representative of her +native place would be a protection to her dinner. And a note was +written and transported by the page early next morning to the +mansion of the Sawyers, in Belgravine Place. + + +The Topham Sawyers had just come down to breakfast; Mrs. T. in her +large dust-colored morning-dress and Madonna front (she looks +rather scraggy of a morning, but I promise you her ringlets and +figure will stun you of an evening); and having read the note, the +following dialogue passed:-- + +Mrs. Topham Sawyer.--"Well, upon my word, I don't know where things +will end. Mr. Sawyer, the Timminses have asked us to dinner." + +Mr. Topham Sawyer.--"Ask us to dinner! What d----- impudence!" + +Mrs. Topham Sawyer.--"The most dangerous and insolent revolutionary +principles are abroad, Mr. Sawyer; and I shall write and hint as +much to these persons." + +Mr. Topham Sawyer.--"No, d--- it, Joanna: they are my constituents +and we must go. Write a civil note, and say we will come to their +party." (He resumes the perusal of 'The times,' and Mrs. Topham +Sawyer writes)-- + + +"MY DEAR ROSA,--We shall have GREAT PLEASURE in joining your little +party. I do not reply in the third person, as WE ARE OLD FRIENDS, +you know, and COUNTRY NEIGHBORS. I hope your mamma is well: +present my KINDEST REMEMBRANCES to her, and I hope we shall see +much MORE of each other in the summer, when we go down to the +Sawpits (for going abroad is out of the question in these DREADFUL +TIMES). With a hundred kisses to your dear little PET, + + "Believe me your attached + + "J. T. S." + + +She said Pet, because she did not know whether Rosa's child was a +girl or boy: and Mrs. Timmins was very much pleased with the kind +and gracious nature of the reply to her invitation. + + +II. + + +The next persons whom little Mrs. Timmins was bent upon asking, +were Mr. and Mrs. John Rowdy, of the firm of Stumpy, Rowdy and Co., +of Brobdingnag Gardens, of the Prairie, Putney, and of Lombard +Street, City. + +Mrs. Timinins and Mrs. Rowdy had been brought up at the same school +together, and there was always a little rivalry between them, from +the day when they contended for the French prize at school to last +week, when each had a stall at the Fancy Fair for the benefit of +the Daughters of Decayed Muffin-men; and when Mrs. Timmins danced +against Mrs. Rowdy in the Scythe Mazurka at the Polish Ball, headed +by Mrs. Hugh Slasher. Rowdy took twenty-three pounds more than +Timmins in the Muffin transaction (for she had possession of a +kettle-holder worked by the hands of R-y-lty, which brought crowds +to her stall); but in the Mazurka Rosa conquered: she has the +prettiest little foot possible (which in a red boot and silver heel +looked so lovely that even the Chinese ambassador remarked it), +whereas Mrs. Rowdy's foot is no trifle, as Lord Cornbury +acknowledged when it came down on his lordship's boot-tip as they +danced together amongst the Scythes. + +"These people are ruining themselves," said Mrs. John Rowdy to her +husband, on receiving the pink note. It was carried round by that +rogue of a buttony page in the evening; and he walked to +Brobdingnag Gardens, and in the Park afterwards, with a young lady +who is kitchen-maid at 27, and who is not more than fourteen years +older than little Buttons. + +"These people are ruining themselves," said Mrs. John to her +husband. "Rosa says she has asked the Bungays." + +"Bungays indeed! Timmins was always a tuft-hunter," said Rowdy, +who had been at college with the barrister, and who, for his own +part, has no more objection to a lord than you or I have; and +adding, "Hang him, what business has HE to be giving parties?" +allowed Mrs. Rowdy, nevertheless, to accept Rosa's invitation. + +"When I go to business to-morrow, I will just have a look at Mr. +Fitz's account," Mr. Rowdy thought; "and if it is overdrawn, as it +usually is, why . . ." The announcement of Mrs. Rowdy's brougham +here put an end to this agreeable train of thought; and the banker +and his lady stepped into it to join a snug little family-party of +two-and-twenty, given by Mr. and Mrs. Secondchop at their great +house on the other side of the Park. + +"Rowdys 2, Bungays 3, ourselves and mamma 3, 2 Sawyers," calculated +little Rosa. + +"General Gulpin," Rosa continued, "eats a great deal, and is very +stupid, but he looks well at table with his star and ribbon. Let +us put HIM down!" and she noted down "Sir Thomas and Lady Gulpin, +2. Lord Castlemouldy, 1." + +"You will make your party abominably genteel and stupid," groaned +Timmins. "Why don't you ask some of our old friends? Old Mrs. +Portman has asked us twenty times, I am sure, within the last two +years." + +"And the last time we went there, there was pea-soup for dinner!" +Mrs. Timmins said, with a look of ineffable scorn. + +"Nobody can have been kinder than the Hodges have always been to +us; and some sort of return we might make, I think." + +"Return, indeed! A pretty sound it is on the staircase to hear +'Mr. and Mrs. 'Odge and Miss 'Odges' pronounced by Billiter, who +always leaves his h's out. No, no: see attorneys at your chambers, +my dear--but what could the poor creatures do in OUR society?" And +so, one by one, Timmins's old friends were tried and eliminated by +Mrs. Timmins, just as if she had been an Irish Attorney-General, +and they so many Catholics on Mr. Mitchel's jury. + +Mrs. Fitzroy insisted that the party should be of her very best +company. Funnyman, the great wit, was asked, because of his jokes; +and Mrs. Butt, on whom he practises; and Potter, who is asked +because everybody else asks him; and Mr. Ranville Ranville of the +Foreign Office, who might give some news of the Spanish squabble; +and Botherby, who has suddenly sprung up into note because he is +intimate with the French Revolution, and visits Ledru-Rollin and +Lamartine. And these, with a couple more who are amis de la +maison, made up the twenty, whom Mrs. Timmins thought she might +safely invite to her little dinner. + +But the deuce of it was, that when the answers to the invitations +came back, everybody accepted! Here was a pretty quandary. How +they were to get twenty into their dining-room was a calculation +which poor Timmins could not solve at all; and he paced up and down +the little room in dismay. + +"Pooh!" said Rosa with a laugh. "Your sister Blanche looked very +well in one of my dresses last year; and you know how stout she is. +We will find some means to accommodate them all, depend upon it." + +Mrs. John Rowdy's note to dear Rosa, accepting the latter's +invitation, was a very gracious and kind one; and Mrs. Fitz showed +it to her husband when he came back from chambers. But there was +another note which had arrived for him by this time from Mr. Rowdy-- +or rather from the firm; and to the effect that Mr. F. Timmins had +overdrawn his account 28L. 18s. 6d., and was requested to pay that +sum to his obedient servants, Stumpy, Rowdy and Co. + + . . . . . . + +And Timmins did not like to tell his wife that the contending +parties in the Lough Foyle and Lough Corrib Railroad had come to a +settlement, and that the fifteen guineas a day had consequently +determined. "I have had seven days of it, though," he thought; +"and that will be enough to pay for the desk, the dinner, and the +glasses, and make all right with Stumpy and Rowdy." + + +III. + + +The cards for dinner having been issued, it became the duty of Mrs. +Timmins to make further arrangements respecting the invitations to +the tea-party which was to follow the more substantial meal. + +These arrangements are difficult, as any lady knows who is in the +habit of entertaining her friends. There are-- + +People who are offended if you ask them to tea whilst others have +been asked to dinner; + +People who are offended if you ask them to tea at all; and cry out +furiously, "Good heavens! Jane my love, why do these Timminses +suppose that I am to leave my dinner-table to attend their ----- +soiree?" (the dear reader may fill up the ----- to any strength, +according to his liking)--or, "Upon my word, William my dear, it is +too much to ask us to pay twelve shillings for a brougham, and to +spend I don't know how much in gloves, just to make our curtsies in +Mrs. Timmins's little drawing-room." Mrs. Moser made the latter +remark about the Timmins affair, while the former was uttered by +Mr. Grumpley, barrister-at-law, to his lady, in Gloucester Place. + +That there are people who are offended if you don't ask them at +all, is a point which I suppose nobody will question. Timmins's +earliest friend in life was Simmins, whose wife and family have +taken a cottage at Mortlake for the season. + +"We can't ask them to come out of the country," Rosa said to her +Fitzroy--(between ourselves, she was delighted that Mrs. Simmins +was out of the way, and was as jealous of her as every well- +regulated woman should be of her husband's female friends)--"we +can't ask them to come so far for the evening." + +"Why, no, certainly." said Fitzroy, who has himself no very great +opinion of a tea-party; and so the Simminses were cut out of the +list. + +And what was the consequence? The consequence was, that Simmins +and Timmins cut when they met at Westminster; that Mrs. Simmins +sent back all the books which she had borrowed from Rosa, with a +withering note of thanks; that Rosa goes about saying that Mrs. +Simmins squints; that Mrs. S., on her side, declares that Rosa is +crooked, and behaved shamefully to Captain Hicks in marrying +Fitzroy over him, though she was forced to do it by her mother, and +prefers the Captain to her husband to this day. If, in a word, +these two men could be made to fight, I believe their wives would +not be displeased; and the reason of all this misery, rage, and +dissension, lies in a poor little twopenny dinner-party in Lilliput +Street. + +Well, the guests, both for before and after meat, having been +asked, old Mrs. Gashleigh, Rosa's mother--(and, by consequence, +Fitzroy's DEAR mother-in-law, though I promise you that "dear" is +particularly sarcastic)--Mrs. Gashleigh of course was sent for, and +came with Miss Eliza Gashleigh, who plays on the guitar, and Emily, +who limps a little, but plays sweetly on the concertina. They live +close by--trust them for that. Your mother-in-law is always within +hearing, thank our stars for the attention of the dear women. The +Gashleighs, I say, live close by, and came early on the morning +after Rosa's notes had been issued for the dinner. + +When Fitzroy, who was in his little study, which opens into his +little dining-room--one of those absurd little rooms which ought to +be called a gentleman's pantry, and is scarcely bigger than a +shower-bath, or a state cabin in a ship--when Fitzroy heard his +mother-in-law's knock, and her well-known scuffling and chattering +in the passage--in which she squeezed up young Buttons, the page, +while she put questions to him regarding baby, and the cook's +health, and whether she had taken what Mrs. Gashleigh had sent +overnight, and the housemaid's health, and whether Mr. Timmins had +gone to chambers or not--and when, after this preliminary chatter, +Buttons flung open the door, announcing--"Mrs. Gashleigh and the +young ladies," Fitzroy laid down his Times newspaper with an +expression that had best not be printed here, and took his hat and +walked away. + +Mrs. Gashleigh has never liked him since he left off calling her +mamma, and kissing her. But he said he could not stand it any +longer--he was hanged if he would. So he went away to chambers, +leaving the field clear to Rosa, mamma, and the two dear girls. + +Or to one of them, rather: for before leaving the house, he thought +he would have a look at little Fitzroy up stairs in the nursery, +and he found the child in the hands of his maternal aunt Eliza, who +was holding him and pinching him as if he had been her guitar, I +suppose; so that the little fellow bawled pitifully--and his father +finally quitted the premises. + +No sooner was he gone, although the party was still a fortnight +off, than the women pounced upon his little study, and began to put +it in order. Some of his papers they pushed up over the bookcase, +some they put behind the Encyclopaedia. Some they crammed into the +drawers--where Mrs. Gashleigh found three cigars, which she +pocketed, and some letters, over which she cast her eye; and by +Fitz's return they had the room as neat as possible, and the best +glass and dessert-service mustered on the study table. + +It was a very neat and handsome service, as you may be sure Mrs. +Gashleigh thought, whose rich uncle had purchased it for the young +couple, at Spode and Copeland's; but it was only for twelve +persons. + +It was agreed that it would be, in all respects, cheaper and better +to purchase a dozen more dessert-plates; and with "my silver basket +in the centre," Mrs. G. said (she is always bragging about that +confounded bread-basket), we need not have any extra china dishes, +and the table will look very pretty." + +On making a roll-call of the glass, it was calculated that at least +a dozen or so tumblers, four or five dozen wines, eight water- +bottles, and a proper quantity of ice-plates, were requisite; and +that, as they would always be useful, it would be best to purchase +the articles immediately. Fitz tumbled over the basket containing +them, which stood in the hall as he came in from chambers, and over +the boy who had brought them--and the little bill. + +The women had had a long debate, and something like a quarrel, it +must be owned, over the bill of fare. Mrs. Gashleigh, who had +lived a great part of her life in Devonshire, and kept house in +great state there, was famous for making some dishes, without +which, she thought, no dinner could be perfect. When she proposed +her mock-turtle, and stewed pigeons, and gooseberry-cream, Rosa +turned up her nose--a pretty little nose it was, by the way, and +with a natural turn in that direction. + +"Mock-turtle in June, mamma!" said she. + +"It was good enough for your grandfather, Rosa," the mamma replied: +"it was good enough for the Lord High Admiral, when he was at +Plymouth; it was good enough for the first men in the county, and +relished by Lord Fortyskewer and Lord Rolls; Sir Lawrence Porker +ate twice of it after Exeter races; and I think it might be good +enough for--" + +"I will NOT have it, mamma!" said Rosa, with a stamp of her foot; +and Mrs. Gashleigh knew what resolution there was in that. Once, +when she had tried to physic the baby, there had been a similar +fight between them. + +So Mrs. Gashleigh made out a carte, in which the soup was left with +a dash--a melancholy vacuum; and in which the pigeons were +certainly thrust in among the entrees; but Rosa determined they +never should make an entree at all into HER dinner-party, but that +she would have the dinner her own way. + +When Fitz returned, then, and after he had paid the little bill of +6L. 14s. 6d. for the glass, Rosa flew to him with her sweetest +smiles, and the baby in her arms. And after she had made him +remark how the child grew every day more and more like him, and +after she had treated him to a number of compliments and caresses, +which it were positively fulsome to exhibit in public, and after +she had soothed him into good humor by her artless tenderness, she +began to speak to him about some little points which she had at +heart. + +She pointed out with a sigh how shabby the old curtains looked +since the dear new glasses which her darling Fitz had given her had +been put up in the drawing-room. Muslin curtains cost nothing, and +she must and would have them. + +The muslin curtains were accorded. She and Fitz went and bought +them at Shoolbred's, when you may be sure she treated herself +likewise to a neat, sweet pretty half-mourning (for the Court, you +know, is in mourning)--a neat sweet barege, or calimanco, or +bombazine, or tiffany, or some such thing; but Madame Camille, of +Regent Street, made it up, and Rosa looked like an angel in it on +the night of her little dinner. + +"And, my sweet," she continued, after the curtains had been +accorded, "mamma and I have been talking about the dinner. She +wants to make it very expensive, which I cannot allow. I have been +thinking of a delightful and economical plan, and you, my sweetest +Fitz, must put it into execution." + +"I have cooked a mutton-chop when I was in chambers," Fitz said +with a laugh. "Am I to put on a cap and an apron?" + +"No: but you are to go to the 'Megatherium Club' (where, you +wretch, you are always going without my leave), and you are to beg +Monsieur Mirobolant, your famous cook, to send you one of his best +aides-de-camp, as I know he will, and with his aid we can dress the +dinner and the confectionery at home for ALMOST NOTHING, and we can +show those purse-proud Topham Sawyers and Rowdys that the HUMBLE +COTTAGE can furnish forth an elegant entertainment as well as the +gilded halls of wealth." + +Fitz agreed to speak to Monsieur Mirobolant. If Rosa had had a +fancy for the cook of the Prime Minister, I believe the deluded +creature of a husband would have asked Lord John for the loan of +him. + + +IV. + + +Fitzroy Timmins, whose taste for wine is remarkable for so young a +man, is a member of the committee of the "Megatherium Club," and +the great Mirobolant, good-natured as all great men are, was only +too happy to oblige him. A young friend and protege of his, of +considerable merit, M. Cavalcadour, happened to be disengaged +through the lamented death of Lord Hauncher, with whom young +Cavalcadour had made his debut as an artist. He had nothing to +refuse to his master, Mirobolant, and would impress himself to be +useful to a gourmet so distinguished as Monsieur Timmins. Fitz +went away as pleased as Punch with this encomium of the great +Mirobolant, and was one of those who voted against the decreasing +of Mirobolant's salary, when the measure was proposed by Mr. +Parings, Colonel Close, and the Screw party in the committee of the +club. + +Faithful to the promise of his great master, the youthful Cavalcadour +called in Lilliput Street the next day. A rich crimson velvet +waistcoat, with buttons of blue glass and gold, a variegated blue +satin stock, over which a graceful mosaic chain hung in glittering +folds, a white hat worn on one side of his long curling ringlets, +redolent with the most delightful hair-oil--one of those white hats +which looks as if it had been just skinned--and a pair of gloves not +exactly of the color of beurre frais, but of beurre that has been up +the chimney, with a natty cane with a gilt knob, completed the upper +part at any rate, of the costume of the young fellow whom the page +introduced to Mrs. Timmins. + +Her mamma and she had been just having a dispute about the +gooseberry-cream when Cavalcadour arrived. His presence silenced +Mrs. Gashleigh; and Rosa, in carrying on a conversation with him in +the French language--which she had acquired perfectly in an elegant +finishing establishment in Kensington Square--had a great advantage +over her mother, who could only pursue the dialogue with very much +difficulty, eying one or other interlocutor with an alarmed and +suspicious look, and gasping out "We" whenever she thought a proper +opportunity arose for the use of that affirmative. + +"I have two leetl menus weez me," said Cavalcadour to Mrs. Gashleigh. + +"Minews--yes,--oh, indeed?" answered the lady. + +"Two little cartes." + +"Oh, two carts! Oh, we," she said. "Coming, I suppose?" And she +looked out of the window to see if they were there. + +Cavalcadour smiled. He produced from a pocket-book a pink paper +and a blue paper, on which he had written two bills of fare--the +last two which he had composed for the lamented Hauncher--and he +handed these over to Mrs. Fitzroy. + +The poor little woman was dreadfully puzzled with these documents, +(she has them in her possession still,) and began to read from the +pink one as follows:-- + + + "DINER POUR 16 PERSONNES. + + Potage (clair) a la Rigodon. + Do. a la Prince de Tombuctou. + + Deux Poissons. + + Saumon de Severne Rougets Gratines + a la Boadicee. a la Cleopatre. + + Deux Releves. + + Le Chapeau-a-trois-cornes farci a la Robespierre. + Le Tire-botte a l'Odalisque. + + Six Entrees. + Saute de Hannetons a l'Epingliere. + Cotelettes a la Megatherium. + Bourrasque de Veau a la Palsambleu. + Laitances de Carpe en goguette a la Reine Pomare. + Turban de Volaille a l'Archeveque de Cantorbery." + + +And so on with the entremets, and hors d'oeuvres, and the rotis, +and the releves. + +"Madame will see that the dinners are quite simple," said M. +Cavalcadour. + +"Oh, quite!" said Rosa, dreadfully puzzled. + +"Which would Madame like?" + +"Which would we like, mamma?" Rosa asked; adding, as if after a +little thought, "I think, sir, we should prefer the blue one." At +which Mrs. Gashleigh nodded as knowingly as she could; though pink +or blue, I defy anybody to know what these cooks mean by their +jargon. + +"If you please, Madame, we will go down below and examine the scene +of operations," Monsieur Cavalcadour said; and so he was marshalled +down the stairs to the kitchen, which he didn't like to name, and +appeared before the cook in all his splendor. + +He cast a rapid glance round the premises, and a smile of something +like contempt lighted up his features. "Will you bring pen and +ink, if you please, and I will write down a few of the articles +which will be necessary for us? We shall require, if you please, +eight more stew-pans, a couple of braising-pans, eight saute-pans, +six bainmarie-pans, a freezing-pot with accessories, and a few more +articles of which I will inscribe the names." And Mr. Cavalcadour +did so, dashing down, with the rapidity of genius, a tremendous +list of ironmongery goods, which he handed over to Mrs. Timmins. +She and her mamma were quite frightened by the awful catalogue. + +"I will call three days hence and superintend the progress of +matters; and we will make the stock for the soup the day before the +dinner." + +"Don't you think, sir," here interposed Mrs. Gashleigh, "that one +soup--a fine rich mock-turtle, such as I have seen in the best +houses in the West of England, and such as the late Lord +Fortyskewer--" + +"You will get what is wanted for the soups, if you please," Mr. +Cavalcadour continued, not heeding this interruption, and as bold +as a captain on his own quarter-deck: "for the stock of clear soup, +you will get a leg of beef, a leg of veal, and a ham." + +"We, munseer," said the cook, dropping a terrified curtsy: "a leg +of beef, a leg of veal, and a ham." + +"You can't serve a leg of veal at a party," said Mrs. Gashleigh; +"and a leg of beef is not a company dish." + +"Madame, they are to make the stock of the clear soup," Mr. +Cavalcadour said. + +"WHAT!" cried Mrs. Gashleigh; and the cook repeated his former +expression. + +"Never, whilst I am in this house," cried out Mrs. Gashleigh, +indignantly; "never in a Christian ENGLISH household; never shall +such sinful waste be permitted by ME. If you wish me to dine, +Rosa, you must get a dinner less EXPENSIVE. The Right Honorable +Lord Fortyskewer could dine, sir, without these wicked luxuries, +and I presume my daughter's guests can." + +"Madame is perfectly at liberty to decide," said M. Cavalcadour. +"I came to oblige Madame and my good friend Mirobolant, not +myself." + +"Thank you, sir, I think it WILL be too expensive," Rosa stammered +in a great flutter; "but I am very much obliged to you." + +"Il n'y a point d'obligation, Madame," said Monsieur Alcide Camille +Cavalcadour in his most superb manner; and, making a splendid bow +to the lady of the house, was respectfully conducted to the upper +regions by little Buttons, leaving Rosa frightened, the cook amazed +and silent, and Mrs. Gashleigh boiling with indignation against the +dresser. + +Up to that moment, Mrs. Blowser, the cook, who had come out of +Devonshire with Mrs. Gashleigh (of course that lady garrisoned her +daughter's house with servants, and expected them to give her +information of everything which took place there) up to that +moment, I say, the cook had been quite contented with that +subterraneous station which she occupied in life, and had a pride +in keeping her kitchen neat, bright, and clean. It was, in her +opinion, the comfortablest room in the house (we all thought so +when we came down of a night to smoke there), and the handsomest +kitchen in Lilliput Street. + +But after the visit of Cavalcadour, the cook became quite +discontented and uneasy in her mind. She talked in a melancholy +manner over the area-railings to the cooks at twenty-three and +twenty-five. She stepped over the way, and conferred with the cook +there. She made inquiries at the baker's and at other places about +the kitchens in the great houses in Brobdingnag Gardens, and how +many spits, bangmarry-pans, and stoo-pans they had. She thought +she could not do with an occasional help, but must have a kitchen- +maid. And she was often discovered by a gentleman of the police +force, who was, I believe, her cousin, and occasionally visited her +when Mrs. Gashleigh was not in the house or spying it:--she was +discovered seated with MRS. RUNDELL in her lap, its leaves +bespattered with her tears. "My pease be gone, Pelisse," she said, +"zins I zaw that ther Franchman!" And it was all the faithful +fellow could do to console her. + +"---- the dinner!" said Timmins, in a rage at last. "Having it +cooked in the house is out of the question. The bother of it, and +the row your mother makes, are enough to drive one mad. It won't +happen again, I can promise you, Rosa. Order it at Fubsby's, at +once. You can have everything from Fubsby's--from footmen to +saltspoons. Let's go and order it at Fubsby's." + +"Darling, if you don't mind the expense, and it will be any relief +to you, let us do as you wish," Rosa said; and she put on her +bonnet, and they went off to the grand cook and confectioner of the +Brobdingnag quarter. + + +V. + + +On the arm of her Fitzroy, Rosa went off to Fubsby's, that +magnificent shop at the corner of Parliament Place and Alicompayne +Square,--a shop into which the rogue had often cast a glance of +approbation as he passed: for there are not only the most wonderful +and delicious cakes and confections in the window, but at the +counter there are almost sure to be three or four of the prettiest +women in the whole of this world, with little darling caps of the +last French make, with beautiful wavy hair, and the neatest +possible waists and aprons. + +Yes, there they sit; and others, perhaps, besides Fitz have cast a +sheep's-eye through those enormous plate-glass windowpanes. I +suppose it is the fact of perpetually living among such a quantity +of good things that makes those young ladies so beautiful. They +come into the place, let us say, like ordinary people, and +gradually grow handsomer and handsomer, until they grow out into +the perfect angels you see. It can't be otherwise: if you and I, +my dear fellow, were to have a course of that place, we should +become beautiful too. They live in an atmosphere of the most +delicious pine-apples, blanc-manges, creams, (some whipt, and some +so good that of course they don't want whipping,) jellies, tipsy- +cakes, cherry-brandy--one hundred thousand sweet and lovely things. +Look at the preserved fruits, look at the golden ginger, the +outspreading ananas, the darling little rogues of China oranges, +ranged in the gleaming crystal cylinders. Mon Dieu! Look at the +strawberries in the leaves. Each of them is as large nearly as a +lady's reticule, and looks as if it had been brought up in a +nursery to itself. One of those strawberries is a meal for those +young ladies, behind the counter; they nibble off a little from the +side, and if they are very hungry, which can scarcely ever happen, +they are allowed to go to the crystal canisters and take out a +rout-cake or macaroon. In the evening they sit and tell each other +little riddles out of the bonbons; and when they wish to amuse +themselves, they read the most delightful remarks, in the French +language, about Love, and Cupid, and Beauty, before they place them +inside the crackers. They always are writing down good things into +Mr. Fubsby's ledgers. It must be a perfect feast to read them. +Talk of the Garden of Eden! I believe it was nothing to Mr. +Fubsby's house; and I have no doubt that after those young ladies +have been there a certain time, they get to such a pitch of +loveliness at last, that they become complete angels, with wings +sprouting out of their lovely shoulders, when (after giving just a +preparatory balance or two) they fly up to the counter and perch +there for a minute, hop down again, and affectionately kiss the +other young ladies, and say, "Good-by, dears! We shall meet again +la haut." And then with a whir of their deliciously scented wings, +away they fly for good, whisking over the trees of Brobdingnag +Square, and up into the sky, as the policeman touches his hat. + +It is up there that they invent the legends for the crackers, and +the wonderful riddles and remarks on the bonbons. No mortal, I am +sure, could write them. + +I never saw a man in such a state as Fitzroy Timmins in the +presence of those ravishing houris. Mrs. Fitz having explained +that they required a dinner for twenty persons, the chief young +lady asked what Mr. and Mrs. Fitz would like, and named a thousand +things, each better than the other, to all of which Fitz instantly +said yes. The wretch was in such a state of infatuation that I +believe if that lady had proposed to him a fricasseed elephant, or +a boa-constrictor in jelly, he would have said, "O yes, certainly; +put it down." + +That Peri wrote down in her album a list of things which it would +make your mouth water to listen to. But she took it all quite +calmly. Heaven bless you! THEY don't care about things that are no +delicacies to them! But whatever she chose to write down, Fitzroy +let her. + +After the dinner and dessert were ordered (at Fubsby's they furnish +everything: dinner and dessert, plate and china, servants in your +own livery, and, if you please, guests of title too), the married +couple retreated from that shop of wonders; Rosa delighted that the +trouble of the dinner was all off their hands but she was afraid it +would be rather expensive. + +"Nothing can be too expensive which pleases YOU, dear," Fitz said. + +"By the way, one of those young women was rather good-looking," +Rosa remarked: "the one in the cap with the blue ribbons." (And +she cast about the shape of the cap in her mind, and determined to +have exactly such another.) + +"Think so? I didn't observe," said the miserable hypocrite by her +side; and when he had seen Rosa home, he went back, like an +infamous fiend, to order something else which he had forgotten, he +said, at Fubsby's. Get out of that Paradise, you cowardly, +creeping, vile serpent you! + +Until the day of the dinner, the infatuated fop was ALWAYS going to +Fubsby's. HE WAS REMARKED THERE. He used to go before he went to +chambers in the morning, and sometimes on his return from the +Temple: but the morning was the time which he preferred; and one +day, when he went on one of his eternal pretexts, and was +chattering and flirting at the counter, a lady who had been reading +yesterday's paper and eating a halfpenny bun for an hour in the +back shop (if that paradise may be called a shop)--a lady stepped +forward, laid down the Morning Herald, and confronted him. + +That lady was Mrs. Gashleigh. From that day the miserable Fitzroy +was in her power; and she resumed a sway over his house, to shake +off which had been the object of his life, and the result of many +battles. And for a mere freak--(for, on going into Fubsby's a week +afterwards he found the Peris drinking tea out of blue cups, and +eating stale bread and butter, when his absurd passion instantly +vanished)--I say, for a mere freak, the most intolerable burden of +his life was put on his shoulders again--his mother-in-law. + +On the day before the little dinner took place--and I promise you +we shall come to it in the very next chapter--a tall and elegant +middle-aged gentleman, who might have passed for an earl but that +there was a slight incompleteness about his hands and feet, the +former being uncommonly red, and the latter large and irregular, +was introduced to Mrs. Timmins by the page, who announced him as +Mr. Truncheon. + +"I'm Truncheon, Ma'am," he said, with a low bow. + +"Indeed!" said Rosa. + +"About the dinner M'm, from Fubsby's, M'm. As you have no butler, +M'm, I presume you will wish me to act as sich. I shall bring two +persons as haids to-morrow; both answers to the name of John. I'd +best, if you please, inspect the premisis, and will think you to +allow your young man to show me the pantry and kitching." + +Truncheon spoke in a low voice, and with the deepest and most +respectful melancholy. There is not much expression in his eyes, +but from what there is, you would fancy that he was oppressed by a +secret sorrow. Rosa trembled as she surveyed this gentleman's +size, his splendid appearance, and gravity. "I am sure," she said, +"I never shall dare to ask him to hand a glass of water." Even +Mrs. Gashleigh, when she came on the morning of the actual dinner- +party, to superintend matters, was cowed, and retreated from the +kitchen before the calm majesty of Truncheon. + +And yet that great man was, like all the truly great--affable. + +He put aside his coat and waistcoat (both of evening cut, and +looking prematurely splendid as he walked the streets in noonday), +and did not disdain to rub the glasses and polish the decanters, +and to show young Buttons the proper mode of preparing these +articles for a dinner. And while he operated, the maids, and +Buttons, and cook, when she could--and what had she but the +vegetables to boil?--crowded round him, and listened with wonder as +he talked of the great families as he had lived with. That man, as +they saw him there before them, had been cab-boy to Lord Tantallan, +valet to the Earl of Bareacres, and groom of the chambers to the +Duchess Dowager of Fitzbattleaxe. Oh, it was delightful to hear +Mr. Truncheon! + + +VI. + + +On the great, momentous, stupendous day of the dinner, my beloved +female reader may imagine that Fitzroy Timmins was sent about his +business at an early hour in the morning, while the women began to +make preparations to receive their guests. "There will be no need +of your going to Fubsby's," Mrs. Gashleigh said to him, with a look +that drove him out of doors. "Everything that we require has been +ordered THERE! You will please to be back here at six o'clock, and +not sooner: and I presume you will acquiesce in my arrangements +about the WINE?" + +"O yes, mamma," said the prostrate son-in-law. + +"In so large a party--a party beyond some folks MEANS--expensive +WINES are ABSURD. The light sherry at 26s., the champagne at 42s.; +and you are not to go beyond 36s. for the claret and port after +dinner. Mind, coffee will be served; and you come up stairs after +two rounds of the claret." + +"Of course, of course," acquiesced the wretch; and hurried out of +the house to his chambers, and to discharge the commissions with +which the womankind had intrusted him. + +As for Mrs. Gashleigh, you might have heard her bawling over the +house the whole day long. That admirable woman was everywhere: in +the kitchen until the arrival of Truncheon, before whom she would +not retreat without a battle; on the stairs; in Fitzroy's dressing- +room; and in Fitzroy minor's nursery, to whom she gave a dose of +her own composition, while the nurse was sent out on a pretext to +make purchases of garnish for the dishes to be served for the +little dinner. Garnish for the dishes! As if the folks at +Fubsby's could not garnish dishes better than Gashleigh, with her +stupid old-world devices of laurel-leaves, parsley, and cut +turnips! Why, there was not a dish served that day that was not +covered over with skewers, on which truffles, crayfish, mushrooms, +and forced-meat were impaled. When old Gashleigh went down with +her barbarian bunches of holly and greens to stick about the meats, +even the cook saw their incongruity, and, at Truncheon's orders, +flung the whole shrubbery into the dust-house, where, while poking +about the premises, you may be sure Mrs. G. saw it. + +Every candle which was to be burned that night (including the +tallow candle, which she said was a good enough bed-light for +Fitzroy) she stuck into the candlesticks with her own hands, giving +her own high-shouldered plated candlesticks of the year 1798 the +place of honor. She upset all poor Rosa's floral arrangements, +turning the nosegays from one vase into the other without any pity, +and was never tired of beating, and pushing, and patting, and +WHAPPING the curtain and sofa draperies into shape in the little +drawing-room. + +In Fitz's own apartments she revelled with peculiar pleasure. It +has been described how she had sacked his study and pushed away his +papers, some of which, including three cigars, and the commencement +of an article for the Law Magazine, "Lives of the Sheriffs' +Officers," he has never been able to find to this day. Mamma now +went into the little room in the back regions, which is Fitz's +dressing-room, (and was destined to be a cloak-room,) and here she +rummaged to her heart's delight. + +In an incredibly short space of time she examined all his outlying +pockets, drawers, and letters; she inspected his socks and +handkerchiefs in the top drawers; and on the dressing-table, his +razors, shaving-strop, and hair-oil. She carried off his silver- +topped scent-bottle out of his dressing-case, and a half-dozen of +his favorite pills (which Fitz possesses in common with every well- +regulated man), and probably administered them to her own family. +His boots, glossy pumps, and slippers she pushed into the shower- +bath, where the poor fellow stepped into them the next morning, in +the midst of a pool in which they were lying. The baby was found +sucking his boot-hooks the next day in the nursery; and as for the +bottle of varnish for his shoes, (which he generally paints upon +the trees himself, having a pretty taste in that way,) it could +never be found to the present hour but it was remarked that the +young Master Gashleighs, when they came home for the holidays, +always wore lacquered highlows; and the reader may draw his +conclusions from THAT fact. + +In the course of the day all the servants gave Mrs. Timmins +warning. + +The cook said she coodn't abear it no longer, 'aving Mrs. G. always +about her kitching, with her fingers in all the saucepans. Mrs. G. +had got her the place, but she preferred one as Mrs. G. didn't get +for her. + +The nurse said she was come to nuss Master Fitzroy, and knew her +duty; his grandmamma wasn't his nuss, and was always aggrawating +her,--missus must shoot herself elsewhere. + +The housemaid gave utterance to the same sentiments in language +more violent. + +Little Buttons bounced up to his mistress, said he was butler of +the family, Mrs. G. was always poking about his pantry, and dam if +he'd stand it. + +At every moment Rosa grew more and more bewildered. The baby +howled a great deal during the day. His large china christening- +bowl was cracked by Mrs. Gashleigh altering the flowers in it, and +pretending to be very cool, whilst her hands shook with rage. + +"Pray go on, mamma," Rosa said with tears in her eyes. "Should you +like to break the chandelier?" + +"Ungrateful, unnatural child!" bellowed the other. "Only that I +know you couldn't do without me, I'd leave the house this minute." + +"As you wish," said Rosa; but Mrs. G. DIDN'T wish: and in this +juncture Truncheon arrived. + +That officer surveyed the dining-room, laid the cloth there with +admirable precision and neatness; ranged the plate on the sideboard +with graceful accuracy, but objected to that old thing in the +centre, as he called Mrs. Gashleigh's silver basket, as cumbrous +and useless for the table, where they would want all the room they +could get. + +Order was not restored to the house, nor, indeed, any decent +progress made, until this great man came: but where there was a +revolt before, and a general disposition to strike work and to yell +out defiance against Mrs. Gashleigh, who was sitting bewildered and +furious in the drawing-room--where there was before commotion, at +the appearance of the master-spirit, all was peace and unanimity: +the cook went back to her pans, the housemaid busied herself with +the china and glass, cleaning some articles and breaking others, +Buttons sprang up and down the stairs, obedient to the orders of +his chief, and all things went well and in their season. + +At six, the man with the wine came from Binney and Latham's. At a +quarter past six, Timmins himself arrived. + +At half past six he might have been heard shouting out for his +varnished boots but we know where THOSE had been hidden--and for +his dressing things; but Mrs. Gashleigh had put them away. + +As in his vain inquiries for these articles he stood shouting, +"Nurse! Buttons! Rosa my dear!" and the most fearful execrations up +and down the stairs, Mr. Truncheon came out on him. + +"Egscuse me, sir," says he, "but it's impawsable. We can't dine +twenty at that table--not if you set 'em out awinder, we can't." + +"What's to be done?" asked Fitzroy, in an agony; "they've all said +they'd come." + +"Can't do it," said the other; "with two top and bottom--and your +table is as narrow as a bench--we can't hold more than heighteen, +and then each person's helbows will be into his neighbor's cheer." + +"Rosa! Mrs. Gashleigh!" cried out Timmins, "come down and speak to +this gentl--this--" + +"Truncheon, sir," said the man. + +The women descended from the drawing-room. "Look and see, ladies," +he said, inducting them into the dining-room: "there's the room, +there's the table laid for heighteen, and I defy you to squeege in +more." + +"One person in a party always fails," said Mrs. Gashleigh, getting +alarmed. + +"That's nineteen," Mr. Truncheon remarked. "We must knock another +hoff, Ma'm." And he looked her hard in the face. + +Mrs. Gashleigh was very red and nervous, and paced, or rather +squeezed round the table (it was as much as she could do). The +chairs could not be put any closer than they were. It was +impossible, unless the convive sat as a centre-piece in the middle, +to put another guest at that table. + +"Look at that lady movin' round, sir. You see now the difficklty. +If my men wasn't thinner, they couldn't hoperate at all," Mr. +Truncheon observed, who seemed to have a spite to Mrs. Gashleigh. + +"What is to be done?" she said, with purple accents. + +"My dearest mamma," Rosa cried out, "you must stop at home--how +sorry I am!" And she shot one glance at Fitzroy, who shot another +at the great Truncheon, who held down his eyes. "We could manage +with heighteen," he said, mildly. + +Mrs. Gashleigh gave a hideous laugh. + + . . . . . . + +She went away. At eight o'clock she was pacing at the corner of +the street, and actually saw the company arrive. First came the +Topham Sawyers, in their light-blue carriage with the white +hammercloth and blue and white ribbons--their footmen drove the +house down with the knocking. + +Then followed the ponderous and snuff-colored vehicle, with faded +gilt wheels and brass earl's coronets all over it, the conveyance +of the House of Bungay. The Countess of Bungay and daughter +stepped out of the carriage. The fourteenth Earl of Bungay +couldn't come. + +Sir Thomas and Lady Gulpin's fly made its appearance, from which +issued the General with his star, and Lady Gulpin in yellow satin. +The Rowdys' brougham followed next; after which Mrs. Butt's +handsome equipage drove up. + +The two friends of the house, young gentlemen from the Temple, now +arrived in cab No. 9996. We tossed up, in fact, which should pay +the fare. + +Mr. Ranville Ranville walked, and was dusting his boots as the +Templars drove up. Lord Castlemouldy came out of a twopenny +omnibus. Funnyman, the wag, came last, whirling up rapidly in a +hansom, just as Mrs. Gashleigh, with rage in her heart, was +counting that two people had failed, and that there were only +seventeen after all. + +Mr. Truncheon passed our names to Mr. Billiter, who bawled them out +on the stairs. Rosa was smiling in a pink dress, and looking as +fresh as an angel, and received her company with that grace which +has always characterized her. + +The moment of the dinner arrived, old Lady Bungay scuffled off on +the arm of Fitzroy, while the rear was brought up by Rosa and Lord +Castlemouldy, of Ballyshanvanvoght Castle, co, Tipperary. Some +fellows who had the luck took down ladies to dinner. I was not +sorry to be out of the way of Mrs. Rowdy, with her dandified airs, +or of that high and mighty county princess, Mrs. Topham Sawyer. + + +VII. + + +Of course it does not become the present writer, who has partaken +of the best entertainment which his friends could supply, to make +fun of their (somewhat ostentatious, as it must be confessed) +hospitality. If they gave a dinner beyond their means, it is no +business of mine. I hate a man who goes and eats a friend's meat, +and then blabs the secrets of the mahogany. Such a man deserves +never to be asked to dinner again; and though at the close of a +London season that seems no great loss, and you sicken of a +whitebait as you would of a whale--yet we must always remember +that there's another season coming, and hold our tongues for the +present. + +As for describing, then, the mere victuals on Timmins's table, that +would be absurd. Everybody--(I mean of the genteel world of +course, of which I make no doubt the reader is a polite ornament)-- +Everybody has the same everything in London. You see the same +coats, the same dinners, the same boiled fowls and mutton, the same +cutlets, fish, and cucumbers, the same lumps of Wenham Lake ice, +&c. The waiters with white neck-cloths are as like each other +everywhere as the peas which they hand round with the ducks of the +second course. Can't any one invent anything new? + +The only difference between Timmins's dinner and his neighbor's +was, that he had hired, as we have said, the greater part of the +plate, and that his cowardly conscience magnified faults and +disasters of which no one else probably took heed. + +But Rosa thought, from the supercilious air with which Mrs. Topham +Sawyer was eying the plate and other arrangements, that she was +remarking the difference of the ciphers on the forks and spoons-- +which had, in fact, been borrowed from every one of Fitzroy's +friends--(I know, for instance, that he had my six, among others, +and only returned five, along with a battered old black-pronged +plated abomination, which I have no doubt belongs to Mrs. +Gashleigh, whom I hereby request to send back mine in exchange)-- +their guilty consciences, I say, made them fancy that every one was +spying out their domestic deficiencies: whereas, it is probable +that nobody present thought of their failings at all. People never +do: they never see holes in their neighbors' coats--they are too +indolent, simple, and charitable. + +Some things, however, one could not help remarking: for instance, +though Fitz is my closest friend, yet could I avoid seeing and being +amused by his perplexity and his dismal efforts to be facetious? +His eye wandered all round the little room with quick uneasy +glances, very different from those frank and jovial looks with which +he is accustomed to welcome you to a leg of mutton; and Rosa, from +the other end of the table, and over the flowers, entree dishes, and +wine-coolers, telegraphed him with signals of corresponding alarm. +Poor devils! why did they ever go beyond that leg of mutton? + +Funnyman was not brilliant in conversation, scarcely opening his +mouth, except for the purposes of feasting. The fact is, our +friend Tom Dawson was at table, who knew all his stories, and in +his presence the greatest wag is always silent and uneasy. + +Fitz has a very pretty wit of his own, and a good reputation on +circuit; but he is timid before great people. And indeed the +presence of that awful Lady Bungay on his right hand was enough +to damp him. She was in court mourning (for the late Prince of +Schlippenschloppen). She had on a large black funereal turban +and appurtenances, and a vast breastplate of twinkling, +twiddling black bugles. No wonder a man could not be gay in +talking to HER. + +Mrs. Rowdy and Mrs. Topham Sawyer love each other as women do +who have the same receiving nights, and ask the same society; +they were only separated by Ranville Ranville, who tries to be +well with both and they talked at each other across him. + +Topham and Rowdy growled out a conversation about Rum, Ireland, +and the Navigation Laws, quite unfit for print. Sawyer never +speaks three words without mentioning the House and the Speaker. + +The Irish Peer said nothing (which was a comfort) but he ate and +drank of everything which came in his way; and cut his usual +absurd figure in dyed whiskers and a yellow under-waistcoat. + +General Gulpin sported his star, and looked fat and florid, but +melancholy. His wife ordered away his dinner, just like honest +Sancho's physician at Barataria. + +Botherby's stories about Lamartine are as old as the hills, +since the barricades of 1848; and he could not get in a word or +cut the slightest figure. And as for Tom Dawson, he was +carrying on an undertoned small-talk with Lady Barbara St. +Mary's, so that there was not much conversation worth record +going on WITHIN the dining-room. + +Outside it was different. Those houses in Lilliput Street are +so uncommonly compact, that you can hear everything which takes +place all over the tenement; and so-- + +In the awful pauses of the banquet, and the hall-door being +furthermore open, we had the benefit of hearing: + +The cook, and the occasional cook, below stairs, exchanging +rapid phrases regarding the dinner; + +The smash of the soup-tureen, and swift descent of the kitchen- +maid and soup-ladle down the stairs to the lower regions. This +accident created a laugh, and rather amused Fitzroy and the +company, and caused Funnyman to say, bowing to Rosa, that she +was mistress of herself, though China fall. But she did not +heed him, for at that moment another noise commenced, namely, +that of-- + +The baby in the upper rooms, who commenced a series of piercing +yells, which, though stopped by the sudden clapping to of the +nursery-door, were only more dreadful to the mother when +suppressed. She would have given a guinea to go up stairs and +have done with the whole entertainment. + +A thundering knock came at the door very early after the +dessert, and the poor soul took a speedy opportunity of +summoning the ladies to depart, though you may be sure it was +only old Mrs. Gashleigh, who had come with her daughters--of +course the first person to come. I saw her red gown whisking up +the stairs, which were covered with plates and dishes, over +which she trampled. + +Instead of having any quiet after the retreat of the ladies, the +house was kept in a rattle, and the glasses jingled on the table +as the flymen and coachmen plied the knocker, and the soiree +came in. From my place I could see everything: the guests as +they arrived (I remarked very few carriages, mostly cabs and +flies), and a little crowd of blackguard boys and children, who +were formed round the door, and gave ironical cheers to the +folks as they stepped out of their vehicles. + +As for the evening-party, if a crowd in the dog-days is +pleasant, poor Mrs. Timmins certainly had a successful soiree. +You could hardly move on the stair. Mrs. Sternhold broke in the +banisters, and nearly fell through. There was such a noise and +chatter you could not hear the singing of the Miss Gashleighs, +which was no great loss. Lady Bungay could hardly get to her +carriage, being entangled with Colonel Wedgewood in the passage. +An absurd attempt was made to get up a dance of some kind; but +before Mrs. Crowder had got round the room, the hanging-lamp in +the dining-room below was stove in, and fell with a crash on the +table, now prepared for refreshment. + +Why, in fact, did the Timminses give that party at all? It was +quite beyond their means. They have offended a score of their +old friends, and pleased none of their acquaintances. So angry +were many who were not asked, that poor Rosa says she must now +give a couple more parties and take in those not previously +invited. And I know for a fact that Fubsby's bill is not yet +paid; nor Binney and Latham's the wine-merchants; that the +breakage and hire of glass and china cost ever so much money; +that every true friend of Timmins has cried out against his +absurd extravagance, and that now, when every one is going out +of town, Fitz has hardly money to pay his circuit, much more to +take Rosa to a watering-place, as he wished and promised. + +As for Mrs. Gashleigh, the only feasible plan of economy which +she can suggest, is that she could come and live with her +daughter and son-in-law, and that they should keep house +together. If he agrees to this, she has a little sum at the +banker's, with which she would not mind easing his present +difficulties; and the poor wretch is so utterly bewildered and +crestfallen that it is very likely he will become her victim. + +The Topham Sawyers, when they go down into the country, will +represent Fitz as a ruined man and reckless prodigal; his uncle, +the attorney, from whom he has expectations, will most likely +withdraw his business, and adopt some other member of his +family--Blanche Crowder for instance, whose husband, the doctor, +has had high words with poor Fitzroy already, of course at the +women's instigation. And all these accumulated miseries fall +upon the unfortunate wretch because he was good-natured, and his +wife would have a Little Dinner. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Little Dinner at Timmins's, by Thackeray + |