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diff --git a/2859.txt b/2859.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..09df017 --- /dev/null +++ b/2859.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1630 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Little Dinner at Timmins's, by +William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Little Dinner at Timmins's + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: May 27, 2006 [EBook #2859] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LITTLE DINNER AT TIMMINS'S *** + + + + +Produced by Donald Lainson + + + + + +A LITTLE DINNER AT TIMMINS'S. + + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +I. + + +Mr. and Mrs. Fitzroy Timmins live in Lilliput Street, that neat little +street which runs at right angles with the Park and Brobdingnag Gardens. +It is a very genteel neighborhood, and I need not say they are of a good +family. + +Especially Mrs. Timmins, as her mamma is always telling Mr. T. They are +Suffolk people, and distantly related to the Right honorable the Earl of +Bungay. + +Besides his house in Lilliput Street, Mr. Timmins has chambers in +Fig-tree Court, Temple, and goes the Northern Circuit. + +The other day, when there was a slight difference about the payment of +fees between the great Parliamentary Counsel and the Solicitors, Stoke +and Pogers, of Great George Street, sent the papers of the Lough Foyle +and Lough Corrib Junction Railway to Mr. Fitzroy Timmins, who was so +elated that he instantly purchased a couple of looking-glasses for his +drawing-rooms (the front room is 16 by 12, and the back, a tight but +elegant apartment, 10 ft. 6 by 8 ft. 4), a coral for the baby, two +new dresses for Mrs. Timmins, and a little rosewood desk, at the +Pantechnicon, for which Rosa had long been sighing, with crumpled legs, +emerald-green and gold morocco top, and drawers all over. + +Mrs. Timmins is a very pretty poetess (her "Lines to a Faded Tulip" and +her "Plaint of Plinlimmon" appeared in one of last year's Keepsakes); +and Fitzroy, as he impressed a kiss on the snowy forehead of his bride, +pointed out to her, in one of the innumerable pockets of the desk, +an elegant ruby-tipped pen, and six charming little gilt blank books, +marked "My Books," which Mrs. Fitzroy might fill, he said, (he is an +Oxford man, and very polite,) "with the delightful productions of her +Muse." Besides these books, there was pink paper, paper with crimson +edges, lace paper, all stamped with R. F. T. (Rosa Fitzroy Timmins) +and the hand and battle-axe, the crest of the Timminses (and borne at +Ascalon by Roaldus de Timmins, a crusader, who is now buried in the +Temple Church, next to Serjeant Snooks), and yellow, pink, light-blue +and other scented sealing waxes, at the service of Rosa when she chose +to correspond with her friends. + +Rosa, you may be sure, jumped with joy at the sight of this sweet +present; called her Charles (his first name is Samuel, but they have +sunk that) the best of men; embraced him a great number of times, to the +edification of her buttony little page, who stood at the landing; and as +soon as he was gone to chambers, took the new pen and a sweet sheet of +paper, and began to compose a poem. + +"What shall it be about?" was naturally her first thought. "What should +be a young mother's first inspiration?" Her child lay on the sofa asleep +before her; and she began in her neatest hand-- + + "LINES + + "ON MY SON BUNGAY DE BRACY GASHLEIGH TYMMYNS, AGED TEN MONTHS. + + "Tuesday. + + "How beautiful! how beautiful thou seemest, + My boy, my precious one, my rosy babe! + Kind angels hover round thee, as thou dreamest: + Soft lashes hide thy beauteous azure eye which gleamest." + +"Gleamest? thine eye which gleamest? Is that grammar?" thought Rosa, who +had puzzled her little brains for some time with this absurd question, +when the baby woke. Then the cook came up to ask about dinner; then Mrs. +Fundy slipped over from No. 27 (they are opposite neighbors, and made +an acquaintance through Mrs. Fundy's macaw); and a thousand things +happened. Finally, there was no rhyme to babe except Tippoo Saib +(against whom Major Gashleigh, Rosa's grandfather, had distinguished +himself), and so she gave up the little poem about her De Bracy. + +Nevertheless, when Fitzroy returned from chambers to take a walk with +his wife in the Park, as he peeped through the rich tapestry hanging +which divided the two drawing-rooms, he found his dear girl still seated +at the desk, and writing, writing away with her ruby pen as fast as it +could scribble. + +"What a genius that child has!" he said; "why, she is a second Mrs. +Norton!" and advanced smiling to peep over her shoulder and see what +pretty thing Rosa was composing. + +It was not poetry, though, that she was writing, and Fitz read as +follows:-- + + +"LILLIPUT STREET, Tuesday, 22nd May. + +"Mr. and Mr. Fitzroy Tymmyns request the pleasure of Sir Thomas and Lady +Kicklebury's company at dinner on Wednesday, at 7 1/2 o'clock." + + +"My dear!" exclaimed the barrister, pulling a long face. + +"Law, Fitzroy!" cried the beloved of his bosom, "how you do startle +one!" + +"Give a dinner-party with our means!" said he. + +"Ain't you making a fortune, you miser?" Rosa said. "Fifteen guineas a +day is four thousand five hundred a year; I've calculated it." And, so +saying, she rose and taking hold of his whiskers (which are as fine as +those of any man of his circuit,) she put her mouth close up against his +and did something to his long face, which quite changed the expression +of it; and which the little page heard outside the door. + +"Our dining-room won't hold ten," he said. + +"We'll only ask twenty, my love. Ten are sure to refuse in this season, +when everybody is giving parties. Look, here is the list." + +"Earl and Countess of Bungay, and Lady Barbara Saint Mary's." + +"You are dying to get a lord into the house," Timmins said (HE had +not altered his name in Fig-tree Court yet, and therefore I am not so +affected as to call him TYMMYNS). + +"Law, my dear, they are our cousins, and must be asked," Rosa said. + +"Let us put down my sister and Tom Crowder, then." + +"Blanche Crowder is really so VERY fat, Fitzroy," his wife said, "and +our rooms are so VERY small." + +Fitz laughed. "You little rogue," he said, "Lady Bungay weighs two of +Blanche, even when she's not in the f--" + +"Fiddlesticks!" Rose cried out. "Doctor Crowder really cannot be +admitted: he makes such a noise eating his soup, that it is really quite +disagreeable." And she imitated the gurgling noise performed by the +Doctor while inhausting his soup, in such a funny way that Fitz saw +inviting him was out of the question. + +"Besides, we mustn't have too many relations," Rosa went on. "Mamma, +of course, is coming. She doesn't like to be asked in the evening; and +she'll bring her silver bread-basket and her candlesticks, which are +very rich and handsome." + +"And you complain of Blanche for being too stout!" groaned out Timmins. + +"Well, well, don't be in a pet," said little Rosa. "The girls won't come +to dinner; but will bring their music afterwards." And she went on with +the list. + +"Sir Thomas and Lady Kicklebury, 2. No saying no: we MUST ask +them, Charles. They are rich people, and any room in their house in +Brobdingnag Gardens would swallow up OUR humble cot. But to people +in OUR position in SOCIETY they will be glad enough to come. The city +people are glad to mix with the old families." + +"Very good," says Fitz, with a sad face of assent--and Mrs. Timmins went +on reading her list. + +"Mr. and Mrs. Topham Sawyer, Belgravine Place." + +"Mrs. Sawyer hasn't asked you all the season. She gives herself the airs +of an empress; and when--" + +"One's Member, you know, my dear, one must have," Rosa replied, with +much dignity as if the presence of the representative of her native +place would be a protection to her dinner. And a note was written +and transported by the page early next morning to the mansion of the +Sawyers, in Belgravine Place. + + +The Topham Sawyers had just come down to breakfast; Mrs. T. in her large +dust-colored morning-dress and Madonna front (she looks rather scraggy +of a morning, but I promise you her ringlets and figure will stun you of +an evening); and having read the note, the following dialogue passed:-- + +Mrs. Topham Sawyer.--"Well, upon my word, I don't know where things will +end. Mr. Sawyer, the Timminses have asked us to dinner." + +Mr. Topham Sawyer.--"Ask us to dinner! What d----- impudence!" + +Mrs. Topham Sawyer.--"The most dangerous and insolent revolutionary +principles are abroad, Mr. Sawyer; and I shall write and hint as much to +these persons." + +Mr. Topham Sawyer.--"No, d--- it, Joanna: they are my constituents and +we must go. Write a civil note, and say we will come to their party." +(He resumes the perusal of 'The times,' and Mrs. Topham Sawyer writes)-- + + +"MY DEAR ROSA,--We shall have GREAT PLEASURE in joining your little +party. I do not reply in the third person, as WE ARE OLD FRIENDS, you +know, and COUNTRY NEIGHBORS. I hope your mamma is well: present my +KINDEST REMEMBRANCES to her, and I hope we shall see much MORE of each +other in the summer, when we go down to the Sawpits (for going abroad is +out of the question in these DREADFUL TIMES). With a hundred kisses to +your dear little PET, + +"Believe me your attached + +"J. T. S." + + +She said Pet, because she did not know whether Rosa's child was a +girl or boy: and Mrs. Timmins was very much pleased with the kind and +gracious nature of the reply to her invitation. + + + + +II. + + +The next persons whom little Mrs. Timmins was bent upon asking, were +Mr. and Mrs. John Rowdy, of the firm of Stumpy, Rowdy and Co., of +Brobdingnag Gardens, of the Prairie, Putney, and of Lombard Street, +City. + +Mrs. Timinins and Mrs. Rowdy had been brought up at the same school +together, and there was always a little rivalry between them, from the +day when they contended for the French prize at school to last week, +when each had a stall at the Fancy Fair for the benefit of the Daughters +of Decayed Muffin-men; and when Mrs. Timmins danced against Mrs. Rowdy +in the Scythe Mazurka at the Polish Ball, headed by Mrs. Hugh Slasher. +Rowdy took twenty-three pounds more than Timmins in the Muffin +transaction (for she had possession of a kettle-holder worked by the +hands of R-y-lty, which brought crowds to her stall); but in the Mazurka +Rosa conquered: she has the prettiest little foot possible (which in +a red boot and silver heel looked so lovely that even the Chinese +ambassador remarked it), whereas Mrs. Rowdy's foot is no trifle, as Lord +Cornbury acknowledged when it came down on his lordship's boot-tip as +they danced together amongst the Scythes. + +"These people are ruining themselves," said Mrs. John Rowdy to her +husband, on receiving the pink note. It was carried round by that rogue +of a buttony page in the evening; and he walked to Brobdingnag Gardens, +and in the Park afterwards, with a young lady who is kitchen-maid at 27, +and who is not more than fourteen years older than little Buttons. + +"These people are ruining themselves," said Mrs. John to her husband. +"Rosa says she has asked the Bungays." + +"Bungays indeed! Timmins was always a tuft-hunter," said Rowdy, who had +been at college with the barrister, and who, for his own part, has no +more objection to a lord than you or I have; and adding, "Hang him, what +business has HE to be giving parties?" allowed Mrs. Rowdy, nevertheless, +to accept Rosa's invitation. + +"When I go to business to-morrow, I will just have a look at Mr. Fitz's +account," Mr. Rowdy thought; "and if it is overdrawn, as it usually is, +why . . ." The announcement of Mrs. Rowdy's brougham here put an end +to this agreeable train of thought; and the banker and his lady stepped +into it to join a snug little family-party of two-and-twenty, given by +Mr. and Mrs. Secondchop at their great house on the other side of the +Park. + +"Rowdys 2, Bungays 3, ourselves and mamma 3, 2 Sawyers," calculated +little Rosa. + +"General Gulpin," Rosa continued, "eats a great deal, and is very +stupid, but he looks well at table with his star and ribbon. Let us +put HIM down!" and she noted down "Sir Thomas and Lady Gulpin, 2. Lord +Castlemouldy, 1." + +"You will make your party abominably genteel and stupid," groaned +Timmins. "Why don't you ask some of our old friends? Old Mrs. Portman +has asked us twenty times, I am sure, within the last two years." + +"And the last time we went there, there was pea-soup for dinner!" Mrs. +Timmins said, with a look of ineffable scorn. + +"Nobody can have been kinder than the Hodges have always been to us; and +some sort of return we might make, I think." + +"Return, indeed! A pretty sound it is on the staircase to hear 'Mr. and +Mrs. 'Odge and Miss 'Odges' pronounced by Billiter, who always leaves +his h's out. No, no: see attorneys at your chambers, my dear--but +what could the poor creatures do in OUR society?" And so, one by one, +Timmins's old friends were tried and eliminated by Mrs. Timmins, just as +if she had been an Irish Attorney-General, and they so many Catholics on +Mr. Mitchel's jury. + +Mrs. Fitzroy insisted that the party should be of her very best company. +Funnyman, the great wit, was asked, because of his jokes; and Mrs. Butt, +on whom he practises; and Potter, who is asked because everybody else +asks him; and Mr. Ranville Ranville of the Foreign Office, who might +give some news of the Spanish squabble; and Botherby, who has suddenly +sprung up into note because he is intimate with the French Revolution, +and visits Ledru-Rollin and Lamartine. And these, with a couple more who +are amis de la maison, made up the twenty, whom Mrs. Timmins thought she +might safely invite to her little dinner. + +But the deuce of it was, that when the answers to the invitations came +back, everybody accepted! Here was a pretty quandary. How they were to +get twenty into their dining-room was a calculation which poor Timmins +could not solve at all; and he paced up and down the little room in +dismay. + +"Pooh!" said Rosa with a laugh. "Your sister Blanche looked very well in +one of my dresses last year; and you know how stout she is. We will find +some means to accommodate them all, depend upon it." + +Mrs. John Rowdy's note to dear Rosa, accepting the latter's invitation, +was a very gracious and kind one; and Mrs. Fitz showed it to her husband +when he came back from chambers. But there was another note which had +arrived for him by this time from Mr. Rowdy--or rather from the firm; +and to the effect that Mr. F. Timmins had overdrawn his account 28L. +18s. 6d., and was requested to pay that sum to his obedient servants, +Stumpy, Rowdy and Co. + +***** + +And Timmins did not like to tell his wife that the contending parties in +the Lough Foyle and Lough Corrib Railroad had come to a settlement, and +that the fifteen guineas a day had consequently determined. "I have had +seven days of it, though," he thought; "and that will be enough to +pay for the desk, the dinner, and the glasses, and make all right with +Stumpy and Rowdy." + + + + +III. + + +The cards for dinner having been issued, it became the duty of Mrs. +Timmins to make further arrangements respecting the invitations to the +tea-party which was to follow the more substantial meal. + +These arrangements are difficult, as any lady knows who is in the habit +of entertaining her friends. There are-- + +People who are offended if you ask them to tea whilst others have been +asked to dinner; + +People who are offended if you ask them to tea at all; and cry out +furiously, "Good heavens! Jane my love, why do these Timminses suppose +that I am to leave my dinner-table to attend their ----- soiree?" (the +dear reader may fill up the ----- to any strength, according to his +liking)--or, "Upon my word, William my dear, it is too much to ask us to +pay twelve shillings for a brougham, and to spend I don't know how +much in gloves, just to make our curtsies in Mrs. Timmins's little +drawing-room." Mrs. Moser made the latter remark about the Timmins +affair, while the former was uttered by Mr. Grumpley, barrister-at-law, +to his lady, in Gloucester Place. + +That there are people who are offended if you don't ask them at all, is +a point which I suppose nobody will question. Timmins's earliest friend +in life was Simmins, whose wife and family have taken a cottage at +Mortlake for the season. + +"We can't ask them to come out of the country," Rosa said to her +Fitzroy--(between ourselves, she was delighted that Mrs. Simmins was +out of the way, and was as jealous of her as every well-regulated woman +should be of her husband's female friends)--"we can't ask them to come +so far for the evening." + +"Why, no, certainly." said Fitzroy, who has himself no very great +opinion of a tea-party; and so the Simminses were cut out of the list. + +And what was the consequence? The consequence was, that Simmins and +Timmins cut when they met at Westminster; that Mrs. Simmins sent back +all the books which she had borrowed from Rosa, with a withering note of +thanks; that Rosa goes about saying that Mrs. Simmins squints; that Mrs. +S., on her side, declares that Rosa is crooked, and behaved shamefully +to Captain Hicks in marrying Fitzroy over him, though she was forced to +do it by her mother, and prefers the Captain to her husband to this day. +If, in a word, these two men could be made to fight, I believe their +wives would not be displeased; and the reason of all this misery, rage, +and dissension, lies in a poor little twopenny dinner-party in Lilliput +Street. + +Well, the guests, both for before and after meat, having been asked, +old Mrs. Gashleigh, Rosa's mother--(and, by consequence, Fitzroy's +DEAR mother-in-law, though I promise you that "dear" is particularly +sarcastic)--Mrs. Gashleigh of course was sent for, and came with Miss +Eliza Gashleigh, who plays on the guitar, and Emily, who limps a little, +but plays sweetly on the concertina. They live close by--trust them for +that. Your mother-in-law is always within hearing, thank our stars for +the attention of the dear women. The Gashleighs, I say, live close by, +and came early on the morning after Rosa's notes had been issued for the +dinner. + +When Fitzroy, who was in his little study, which opens into his little +dining-room--one of those absurd little rooms which ought to be called +a gentleman's pantry, and is scarcely bigger than a shower-bath, or a +state cabin in a ship--when Fitzroy heard his mother-in-law's knock, +and her well-known scuffling and chattering in the passage--in which +she squeezed up young Buttons, the page, while she put questions to him +regarding baby, and the cook's health, and whether she had taken what +Mrs. Gashleigh had sent overnight, and the housemaid's health, and +whether Mr. Timmins had gone to chambers or not--and when, after this +preliminary chatter, Buttons flung open the door, announcing--"Mrs. +Gashleigh and the young ladies," Fitzroy laid down his Times newspaper +with an expression that had best not be printed here, and took his hat +and walked away. + +Mrs. Gashleigh has never liked him since he left off calling her mamma, +and kissing her. But he said he could not stand it any longer--he was +hanged if he would. So he went away to chambers, leaving the field clear +to Rosa, mamma, and the two dear girls. + +Or to one of them, rather: for before leaving the house, he thought he +would have a look at little Fitzroy up stairs in the nursery, and he +found the child in the hands of his maternal aunt Eliza, who was holding +him and pinching him as if he had been her guitar, I suppose; so that +the little fellow bawled pitifully--and his father finally quitted the +premises. + +No sooner was he gone, although the party was still a fortnight off, +than the women pounced upon his little study, and began to put it in +order. Some of his papers they pushed up over the bookcase, some they +put behind the Encyclopaedia. Some they crammed into the drawers--where +Mrs. Gashleigh found three cigars, which she pocketed, and some letters, +over which she cast her eye; and by Fitz's return they had the room as +neat as possible, and the best glass and dessert-service mustered on the +study table. + +It was a very neat and handsome service, as you may be sure Mrs. +Gashleigh thought, whose rich uncle had purchased it for the young +couple, at Spode and Copeland's; but it was only for twelve persons. + +It was agreed that it would be, in all respects, cheaper and better to +purchase a dozen more dessert-plates; and with "my silver basket in +the centre," Mrs. G. said (she is always bragging about that confounded +bread-basket), "we need not have any extra china dishes, and the table +will look very pretty." + +On making a roll-call of the glass, it was calculated that at least a +dozen or so tumblers, four or five dozen wines, eight water-bottles, and +a proper quantity of ice-plates, were requisite; and that, as they would +always be useful, it would be best to purchase the articles immediately. +Fitz tumbled over the basket containing them, which stood in the hall as +he came in from chambers, and over the boy who had brought them--and the +little bill. + +The women had had a long debate, and something like a quarrel, it must +be owned, over the bill of fare. Mrs. Gashleigh, who had lived a great +part of her life in Devonshire, and kept house in great state there, +was famous for making some dishes, without which, she thought, no dinner +could be perfect. When she proposed her mock-turtle, and stewed pigeons, +and gooseberry-cream, Rosa turned up her nose--a pretty little nose it +was, by the way, and with a natural turn in that direction. + +"Mock-turtle in June, mamma!" said she. + +"It was good enough for your grandfather, Rosa," the mamma replied: "it +was good enough for the Lord High Admiral, when he was at Plymouth; it +was good enough for the first men in the county, and relished by Lord +Fortyskewer and Lord Rolls; Sir Lawrence Porker ate twice of it after +Exeter races; and I think it might be good enough for--" + +"I will NOT have it, mamma!" said Rosa, with a stamp of her foot; and +Mrs. Gashleigh knew what resolution there was in that. Once, when she +had tried to physic the baby, there had been a similar fight between +them. + +So Mrs. Gashleigh made out a carte, in which the soup was left with +a dash--a melancholy vacuum; and in which the pigeons were certainly +thrust in among the entrees; but Rosa determined they never should make +an entree at all into HER dinner-party, but that she would have the +dinner her own way. + +When Fitz returned, then, and after he had paid the little bill of 6L. +14s. 6d. for the glass, Rosa flew to him with her sweetest smiles, and +the baby in her arms. And after she had made him remark how the child +grew every day more and more like him, and after she had treated him to +a number of compliments and caresses, which it were positively fulsome +to exhibit in public, and after she had soothed him into good humor +by her artless tenderness, she began to speak to him about some little +points which she had at heart. + +She pointed out with a sigh how shabby the old curtains looked since the +dear new glasses which her darling Fitz had given her had been put up in +the drawing-room. Muslin curtains cost nothing, and she must and would +have them. + +The muslin curtains were accorded. She and Fitz went and bought them +at Shoolbred's, when you may be sure she treated herself likewise to +a neat, sweet pretty half-mourning (for the Court, you know, is in +mourning)--a neat sweet barege, or calimanco, or bombazine, or tiffany, +or some such thing; but Madame Camille, of Regent Street, made it up, +and Rosa looked like an angel in it on the night of her little dinner. + +"And, my sweet," she continued, after the curtains had been accorded, +"mamma and I have been talking about the dinner. She wants to make +it very expensive, which I cannot allow. I have been thinking of a +delightful and economical plan, and you, my sweetest Fitz, must put it +into execution." + +"I have cooked a mutton-chop when I was in chambers," Fitz said with a +laugh. "Am I to put on a cap and an apron?" + +"No: but you are to go to the 'Megatherium Club' (where, you wretch, +you are always going without my leave), and you are to beg Monsieur +Mirobolant, your famous cook, to send you one of his best aides-de-camp, +as I know he will, and with his aid we can dress the dinner and +the confectionery at home for ALMOST NOTHING, and we can show those +purse-proud Topham Sawyers and Rowdys that the HUMBLE COTTAGE can +furnish forth an elegant entertainment as well as the gilded halls of +wealth." + +Fitz agreed to speak to Monsieur Mirobolant. If Rosa had had a fancy +for the cook of the Prime Minister, I believe the deluded creature of a +husband would have asked Lord John for the loan of him. + + + + +IV. + + +Fitzroy Timmins, whose taste for wine is remarkable for so young a man, +is a member of the committee of the "Megatherium Club," and the great +Mirobolant, good-natured as all great men are, was only too happy to +oblige him. A young friend and protege of his, of considerable merit, +M. Cavalcadour, happened to be disengaged through the lamented death +of Lord Hauncher, with whom young Cavalcadour had made his debut as an +artist. He had nothing to refuse to his master, Mirobolant, and would +impress himself to be useful to a gourmet so distinguished as Monsieur +Timmins. Fitz went away as pleased as Punch with this encomium of the +great Mirobolant, and was one of those who voted against the decreasing +of Mirobolant's salary, when the measure was proposed by Mr. Parings, +Colonel Close, and the Screw party in the committee of the club. + +Faithful to the promise of his great master, the youthful Cavalcadour +called in Lilliput Street the next day. A rich crimson velvet waistcoat, +with buttons of blue glass and gold, a variegated blue satin stock, over +which a graceful mosaic chain hung in glittering folds, a white hat +worn on one side of his long curling ringlets, redolent with the most +delightful hair-oil--one of those white hats which looks as if it had +been just skinned--and a pair of gloves not exactly of the color of +beurre frais, but of beurre that has been up the chimney, with a natty +cane with a gilt knob, completed the upper part at any rate, of the +costume of the young fellow whom the page introduced to Mrs. Timmins. + +Her mamma and she had been just having a dispute about the +gooseberry-cream when Cavalcadour arrived. His presence silenced Mrs. +Gashleigh; and Rosa, in carrying on a conversation with him in the +French language--which she had acquired perfectly in an elegant +finishing establishment in Kensington Square--had a great advantage +over her mother, who could only pursue the dialogue with very much +difficulty, eying one or other interlocutor with an alarmed and +suspicious look, and gasping out "We" whenever she thought a proper +opportunity arose for the use of that affirmative. + +"I have two leetl menus weez me," said Cavalcadour to Mrs. Gashleigh. + +"Minews--yes,--oh, indeed?" answered the lady. + +"Two little cartes." + +"Oh, two carts! Oh, we," she said. "Coming, I suppose?" And she looked +out of the window to see if they were there. + +Cavalcadour smiled. He produced from a pocket-book a pink paper and +a blue paper, on which he had written two bills of fare--the last two +which he had composed for the lamented Hauncher--and he handed these +over to Mrs. Fitzroy. + +The poor little woman was dreadfully puzzled with these documents, (she +has them in her possession still,) and began to read from the pink one +as follows:-- + + "DINER POUR 16 PERSONNES. + + Potage (clair) a la Rigodon. + Do. a la Prince de Tombuctou. + + Deux Poissons. + + Saumon de Severne Rougets Gratines + a la Boadicee. a la Cleopatre. + + Deux Releves. + + Le Chapeau-a-trois-cornes farci a la Robespierre. + Le Tire-botte a l'Odalisque. + + Six Entrees. + Saute de Hannetons a l'Epingliere. + Cotelettes a la Megatherium. + Bourrasque de Veau a la Palsambleu. + Laitances de Carpe en goguette a la Reine Pomare. + Turban de Volaille a l'Archeveque de Cantorbery." + +And so on with the entremets, and hors d'oeuvres, and the rotis, and the +releves. + +"Madame will see that the dinners are quite simple," said M. +Cavalcadour. + +"Oh, quite!" said Rosa, dreadfully puzzled. + +"Which would Madame like?" + +"Which would we like, mamma?" Rosa asked; adding, as if after a little +thought, "I think, sir, we should prefer the blue one." At which Mrs. +Gashleigh nodded as knowingly as she could; though pink or blue, I defy +anybody to know what these cooks mean by their jargon. + +"If you please, Madame, we will go down below and examine the scene of +operations," Monsieur Cavalcadour said; and so he was marshalled down +the stairs to the kitchen, which he didn't like to name, and appeared +before the cook in all his splendor. + +He cast a rapid glance round the premises, and a smile of something like +contempt lighted up his features. "Will you bring pen and ink, if +you please, and I will write down a few of the articles which will be +necessary for us? We shall require, if you please, eight more stew-pans, +a couple of braising-pans, eight saute-pans, six bainmarie-pans, a +freezing-pot with accessories, and a few more articles of which I will +inscribe the names." And Mr. Cavalcadour did so, dashing down, with the +rapidity of genius, a tremendous list of ironmongery goods, which he +handed over to Mrs. Timmins. She and her mamma were quite frightened by +the awful catalogue. + +"I will call three days hence and superintend the progress of matters; +and we will make the stock for the soup the day before the dinner." + +"Don't you think, sir," here interposed Mrs. Gashleigh, "that one +soup--a fine rich mock-turtle, such as I have seen in the best houses in +the West of England, and such as the late Lord Fortyskewer--" + +"You will get what is wanted for the soups, if you please," Mr. +Cavalcadour continued, not heeding this interruption, and as bold as a +captain on his own quarter-deck: "for the stock of clear soup, you will +get a leg of beef, a leg of veal, and a ham." + +"We, munseer," said the cook, dropping a terrified curtsy: "a leg of +beef, a leg of veal, and a ham." + +"You can't serve a leg of veal at a party," said Mrs. Gashleigh; "and a +leg of beef is not a company dish." + +"Madame, they are to make the stock of the clear soup," Mr. Cavalcadour +said. + +"WHAT!" cried Mrs. Gashleigh; and the cook repeated his former +expression. + +"Never, whilst I am in this house," cried out Mrs. Gashleigh, +indignantly; "never in a Christian ENGLISH household; never shall such +sinful waste be permitted by ME. If you wish me to dine, Rosa, you must +get a dinner less EXPENSIVE. The Right Honorable Lord Fortyskewer could +dine, sir, without these wicked luxuries, and I presume my daughter's +guests can." + +"Madame is perfectly at liberty to decide," said M. Cavalcadour. "I came +to oblige Madame and my good friend Mirobolant, not myself." + +"Thank you, sir, I think it WILL be too expensive," Rosa stammered in a +great flutter; "but I am very much obliged to you." + +"Il n'y a point d'obligation, Madame," said Monsieur Alcide Camille +Cavalcadour in his most superb manner; and, making a splendid bow to the +lady of the house, was respectfully conducted to the upper regions by +little Buttons, leaving Rosa frightened, the cook amazed and silent, and +Mrs. Gashleigh boiling with indignation against the dresser. + +Up to that moment, Mrs. Blowser, the cook, who had come out of +Devonshire with Mrs. Gashleigh (of course that lady garrisoned +her daughter's house with servants, and expected them to give her +information of everything which took place there) up to that moment, I +say, the cook had been quite contented with that subterraneous station +which she occupied in life, and had a pride in keeping her kitchen neat, +bright, and clean. It was, in her opinion, the comfortablest room in the +house (we all thought so when we came down of a night to smoke there), +and the handsomest kitchen in Lilliput Street. + +But after the visit of Cavalcadour, the cook became quite discontented +and uneasy in her mind. She talked in a melancholy manner over the +area-railings to the cooks at twenty-three and twenty-five. She stepped +over the way, and conferred with the cook there. She made inquiries at +the baker's and at other places about the kitchens in the great +houses in Brobdingnag Gardens, and how many spits, bangmarry-pans, and +stoo-pans they had. She thought she could not do with an occasional +help, but must have a kitchen-maid. And she was often discovered by +a gentleman of the police force, who was, I believe, her cousin, and +occasionally visited her when Mrs. Gashleigh was not in the house or +spying it:--she was discovered seated with MRS. RUNDELL in her lap, +its leaves bespattered with her tears. "My pease be gone, Pelisse," +she said, "zins I zaw that ther Franchman!" And it was all the faithful +fellow could do to console her. + +"---- the dinner!" said Timmins, in a rage at last. "Having it cooked +in the house is out of the question. The bother of it, and the row your +mother makes, are enough to drive one mad. It won't happen again, I +can promise you, Rosa. Order it at Fubsby's, at once. You can have +everything from Fubsby's--from footmen to saltspoons. Let's go and order +it at Fubsby's." + +"Darling, if you don't mind the expense, and it will be any relief to +you, let us do as you wish," Rosa said; and she put on her bonnet, and +they went off to the grand cook and confectioner of the Brobdingnag +quarter. + + + + +V. + + +On the arm of her Fitzroy, Rosa went off to Fubsby's, that magnificent +shop at the corner of Parliament Place and Alicompayne Square,--a +shop into which the rogue had often cast a glance of approbation as he +passed: for there are not only the most wonderful and delicious cakes +and confections in the window, but at the counter there are almost sure +to be three or four of the prettiest women in the whole of this world, +with little darling caps of the last French make, with beautiful wavy +hair, and the neatest possible waists and aprons. + +Yes, there they sit; and others, perhaps, besides Fitz have cast a +sheep's-eye through those enormous plate-glass windowpanes. I suppose it +is the fact of perpetually living among such a quantity of good things +that makes those young ladies so beautiful. They come into the place, +let us say, like ordinary people, and gradually grow handsomer and +handsomer, until they grow out into the perfect angels you see. It can't +be otherwise: if you and I, my dear fellow, were to have a course of +that place, we should become beautiful too. They live in an atmosphere +of the most delicious pine-apples, blanc-manges, creams, (some whipt, +and some so good that of course they don't want whipping,) jellies, +tipsy-cakes, cherry-brandy--one hundred thousand sweet and lovely +things. Look at the preserved fruits, look at the golden ginger, the +outspreading ananas, the darling little rogues of China oranges, ranged +in the gleaming crystal cylinders. Mon Dieu! Look at the strawberries +in the leaves. Each of them is as large nearly as a lady's reticule, and +looks as if it had been brought up in a nursery to itself. One of those +strawberries is a meal for those young ladies, behind the counter; they +nibble off a little from the side, and if they are very hungry, +which can scarcely ever happen, they are allowed to go to the crystal +canisters and take out a rout-cake or macaroon. In the evening they sit +and tell each other little riddles out of the bonbons; and when they +wish to amuse themselves, they read the most delightful remarks, in the +French language, about Love, and Cupid, and Beauty, before they place +them inside the crackers. They always are writing down good things into +Mr. Fubsby's ledgers. It must be a perfect feast to read them. Talk of +the Garden of Eden! I believe it was nothing to Mr. Fubsby's house; and +I have no doubt that after those young ladies have been there a certain +time, they get to such a pitch of loveliness at last, that they become +complete angels, with wings sprouting out of their lovely shoulders, +when (after giving just a preparatory balance or two) they fly up to the +counter and perch there for a minute, hop down again, and affectionately +kiss the other young ladies, and say, "Good-by, dears! We shall meet +again la haut." And then with a whir of their deliciously scented wings, +away they fly for good, whisking over the trees of Brobdingnag Square, +and up into the sky, as the policeman touches his hat. + +It is up there that they invent the legends for the crackers, and the +wonderful riddles and remarks on the bonbons. No mortal, I am sure, +could write them. + +I never saw a man in such a state as Fitzroy Timmins in the presence of +those ravishing houris. Mrs. Fitz having explained that they required a +dinner for twenty persons, the chief young lady asked what Mr. and +Mrs. Fitz would like, and named a thousand things, each better than the +other, to all of which Fitz instantly said yes. The wretch was in such +a state of infatuation that I believe if that lady had proposed to him a +fricasseed elephant, or a boa-constrictor in jelly, he would have said, +"O yes, certainly; put it down." + +That Peri wrote down in her album a list of things which it would make +your mouth water to listen to. But she took it all quite calmly. Heaven +bless you! THEY don't care about things that are no delicacies to them! +But whatever she chose to write down, Fitzroy let her. + +After the dinner and dessert were ordered (at Fubsby's they furnish +everything: dinner and dessert, plate and china, servants in your own +livery, and, if you please, guests of title too), the married couple +retreated from that shop of wonders; Rosa delighted that the trouble of +the dinner was all off their hands but she was afraid it would be rather +expensive. + +"Nothing can be too expensive which pleases YOU, dear," Fitz said. + +"By the way, one of those young women was rather good-looking," Rosa +remarked: "the one in the cap with the blue ribbons." (And she cast +about the shape of the cap in her mind, and determined to have exactly +such another.) + +"Think so? I didn't observe," said the miserable hypocrite by her side; +and when he had seen Rosa home, he went back, like an infamous fiend, to +order something else which he had forgotten, he said, at Fubsby's. Get +out of that Paradise, you cowardly, creeping, vile serpent you! + +Until the day of the dinner, the infatuated fop was ALWAYS going +to Fubsby's. HE WAS REMARKED THERE. He used to go before he went to +chambers in the morning, and sometimes on his return from the Temple: +but the morning was the time which he preferred; and one day, when he +went on one of his eternal pretexts, and was chattering and flirting at +the counter, a lady who had been reading yesterday's paper and eating +a halfpenny bun for an hour in the back shop (if that paradise may be +called a shop)--a lady stepped forward, laid down the Morning Herald, +and confronted him. + +That lady was Mrs. Gashleigh. From that day the miserable Fitzroy was in +her power; and she resumed a sway over his house, to shake off which had +been the object of his life, and the result of many battles. And for a +mere freak--(for, on going into Fubsby's a week afterwards he found the +Peris drinking tea out of blue cups, and eating stale bread and butter, +when his absurd passion instantly vanished)--I say, for a mere freak, +the most intolerable burden of his life was put on his shoulders +again--his mother-in-law. + +On the day before the little dinner took place--and I promise you +we shall come to it in the very next chapter--a tall and elegant +middle-aged gentleman, who might have passed for an earl but that there +was a slight incompleteness about his hands and feet, the former being +uncommonly red, and the latter large and irregular, was introduced to +Mrs. Timmins by the page, who announced him as Mr. Truncheon. + +"I'm Truncheon, Ma'am," he said, with a low bow. + +"Indeed!" said Rosa. + +"About the dinner M'm, from Fubsby's, M'm. As you have no butler, M'm, +I presume you will wish me to act as sich. I shall bring two persons +as haids to-morrow; both answers to the name of John. I'd best, if you +please, inspect the premisis, and will think you to allow your young man +to show me the pantry and kitching." + +Truncheon spoke in a low voice, and with the deepest and most respectful +melancholy. There is not much expression in his eyes, but from what +there is, you would fancy that he was oppressed by a secret sorrow. Rosa +trembled as she surveyed this gentleman's size, his splendid appearance, +and gravity. "I am sure," she said, "I never shall dare to ask him +to hand a glass of water." Even Mrs. Gashleigh, when she came on the +morning of the actual dinner-party, to superintend matters, was cowed, +and retreated from the kitchen before the calm majesty of Truncheon. + +And yet that great man was, like all the truly great--affable. + +He put aside his coat and waistcoat (both of evening cut, and looking +prematurely splendid as he walked the streets in noonday), and did not +disdain to rub the glasses and polish the decanters, and to show young +Buttons the proper mode of preparing these articles for a dinner. And +while he operated, the maids, and Buttons, and cook, when she could--and +what had she but the vegetables to boil?--crowded round him, and +listened with wonder as he talked of the great families as he had lived +with. That man, as they saw him there before them, had been cab-boy +to Lord Tantallan, valet to the Earl of Bareacres, and groom of the +chambers to the Duchess Dowager of Fitzbattleaxe. Oh, it was delightful +to hear Mr. Truncheon! + + + + +VI. + + +On the great, momentous, stupendous day of the dinner, my beloved female +reader may imagine that Fitzroy Timmins was sent about his business at +an early hour in the morning, while the women began to make preparations +to receive their guests. "There will be no need of your going to +Fubsby's," Mrs. Gashleigh said to him, with a look that drove him out +of doors. "Everything that we require has been ordered THERE! You will +please to be back here at six o'clock, and not sooner: and I presume you +will acquiesce in my arrangements about the WINE?" + +"O yes, mamma," said the prostrate son-in-law. + +"In so large a party--a party beyond some folks MEANS--expensive WINES +are ABSURD. The light sherry at 26s., the champagne at 42s.; and you are +not to go beyond 36s. for the claret and port after dinner. Mind, coffee +will be served; and you come up stairs after two rounds of the claret." + +"Of course, of course," acquiesced the wretch; and hurried out of the +house to his chambers, and to discharge the commissions with which the +womankind had intrusted him. + +As for Mrs. Gashleigh, you might have heard her bawling over the house +the whole day long. That admirable woman was everywhere: in the kitchen +until the arrival of Truncheon, before whom she would not retreat +without a battle; on the stairs; in Fitzroy's dressing-room; and in +Fitzroy minor's nursery, to whom she gave a dose of her own composition, +while the nurse was sent out on a pretext to make purchases of garnish +for the dishes to be served for the little dinner. Garnish for the +dishes! As if the folks at Fubsby's could not garnish dishes better than +Gashleigh, with her stupid old-world devices of laurel-leaves, parsley, +and cut turnips! Why, there was not a dish served that day that was not +covered over with skewers, on which truffles, crayfish, mushrooms, +and forced-meat were impaled. When old Gashleigh went down with her +barbarian bunches of holly and greens to stick about the meats, even the +cook saw their incongruity, and, at Truncheon's orders, flung the whole +shrubbery into the dust-house, where, while poking about the premises, +you may be sure Mrs. G. saw it. + +Every candle which was to be burned that night (including the tallow +candle, which she said was a good enough bed-light for Fitzroy) +she stuck into the candlesticks with her own hands, giving her own +high-shouldered plated candlesticks of the year 1798 the place of honor. +She upset all poor Rosa's floral arrangements, turning the nosegays +from one vase into the other without any pity, and was never tired of +beating, and pushing, and patting, and WHAPPING the curtain and sofa +draperies into shape in the little drawing-room. + +In Fitz's own apartments she revelled with peculiar pleasure. It has +been described how she had sacked his study and pushed away his papers, +some of which, including three cigars, and the commencement of an +article for the Law Magazine, "Lives of the Sheriffs' Officers," he has +never been able to find to this day. Mamma now went into the little room +in the back regions, which is Fitz's dressing-room, (and was destined to +be a cloak-room,) and here she rummaged to her heart's delight. + +In an incredibly short space of time she examined all his outlying +pockets, drawers, and letters; she inspected his socks and +handkerchiefs in the top drawers; and on the dressing-table, his +razors, shaving-strop, and hair-oil. She carried off his silver-topped +scent-bottle out of his dressing-case, and a half-dozen of his favorite +pills (which Fitz possesses in common with every well-regulated man), +and probably administered them to her own family. His boots, glossy +pumps, and slippers she pushed into the shower-bath, where the poor +fellow stepped into them the next morning, in the midst of a pool in +which they were lying. The baby was found sucking his boot-hooks the +next day in the nursery; and as for the bottle of varnish for his shoes, +(which he generally paints upon the trees himself, having a pretty taste +in that way,) it could never be found to the present hour but it was +remarked that the young Master Gashleighs, when they came home for the +holidays, always wore lacquered highlows; and the reader may draw his +conclusions from THAT fact. + +In the course of the day all the servants gave Mrs. Timmins warning. + +The cook said she coodn't abear it no longer, 'aving Mrs. G. always +about her kitching, with her fingers in all the saucepans. Mrs. G. had +got her the place, but she preferred one as Mrs. G. didn't get for her. + +The nurse said she was come to nuss Master Fitzroy, and knew her duty; +his grandmamma wasn't his nuss, and was always aggrawating her,--missus +must shoot herself elsewhere. + +The housemaid gave utterance to the same sentiments in language more +violent. + +Little Buttons bounced up to his mistress, said he was butler of the +family, Mrs. G. was always poking about his pantry, and dam if he'd +stand it. + +At every moment Rosa grew more and more bewildered. The baby howled a +great deal during the day. His large china christening-bowl was cracked +by Mrs. Gashleigh altering the flowers in it, and pretending to be very +cool, whilst her hands shook with rage. + +"Pray go on, mamma," Rosa said with tears in her eyes. "Should you like +to break the chandelier?" + +"Ungrateful, unnatural child!" bellowed the other. "Only that I know you +couldn't do without me, I'd leave the house this minute." + +"As you wish," said Rosa; but Mrs. G. DIDN'T wish: and in this juncture +Truncheon arrived. + +That officer surveyed the dining-room, laid the cloth there with +admirable precision and neatness; ranged the plate on the sideboard with +graceful accuracy, but objected to that old thing in the centre, as he +called Mrs. Gashleigh's silver basket, as cumbrous and useless for the +table, where they would want all the room they could get. + +Order was not restored to the house, nor, indeed, any decent progress +made, until this great man came: but where there was a revolt before, +and a general disposition to strike work and to yell out defiance +against Mrs. Gashleigh, who was sitting bewildered and furious in the +drawing-room--where there was before commotion, at the appearance of the +master-spirit, all was peace and unanimity: the cook went back to her +pans, the housemaid busied herself with the china and glass, cleaning +some articles and breaking others, Buttons sprang up and down the +stairs, obedient to the orders of his chief, and all things went well +and in their season. + +At six, the man with the wine came from Binney and Latham's. At a +quarter past six, Timmins himself arrived. + +At half past six he might have been heard shouting out for his varnished +boots but we know where THOSE had been hidden--and for his dressing +things; but Mrs. Gashleigh had put them away. + +As in his vain inquiries for these articles he stood shouting, "Nurse! +Buttons! Rosa my dear!" and the most fearful execrations up and down the +stairs, Mr. Truncheon came out on him. + +"Egscuse me, sir," says he, "but it's impawsable. We can't dine twenty +at that table--not if you set 'em out awinder, we can't." + +"What's to be done?" asked Fitzroy, in an agony; "they've all said +they'd come." + +"Can't do it," said the other; "with two top and bottom--and your table +is as narrow as a bench--we can't hold more than heighteen, and then +each person's helbows will be into his neighbor's cheer." + +"Rosa! Mrs. Gashleigh!" cried out Timmins, "come down and speak to this +gentl--this--" + +"Truncheon, sir," said the man. + +The women descended from the drawing-room. "Look and see, ladies," he +said, inducting them into the dining-room: "there's the room, there's +the table laid for heighteen, and I defy you to squeege in more." + +"One person in a party always fails," said Mrs. Gashleigh, getting +alarmed. + +"That's nineteen," Mr. Truncheon remarked. "We must knock another hoff, +Ma'm." And he looked her hard in the face. + +Mrs. Gashleigh was very red and nervous, and paced, or rather squeezed +round the table (it was as much as she could do). The chairs could not +be put any closer than they were. It was impossible, unless the convive +sat as a centre-piece in the middle, to put another guest at that table. + +"Look at that lady movin' round, sir. You see now the difficklty. If +my men wasn't thinner, they couldn't hoperate at all," Mr. Truncheon +observed, who seemed to have a spite to Mrs. Gashleigh. + +"What is to be done?" she said, with purple accents. + +"My dearest mamma," Rosa cried out, "you must stop at home--how sorry I +am!" And she shot one glance at Fitzroy, who shot another at the great +Truncheon, who held down his eyes. "We could manage with heighteen," he +said, mildly. + +Mrs. Gashleigh gave a hideous laugh. + +***** + +She went away. At eight o'clock she was pacing at the corner of the +street, and actually saw the company arrive. First came the Topham +Sawyers, in their light-blue carriage with the white hammercloth and +blue and white ribbons--their footmen drove the house down with the +knocking. + +Then followed the ponderous and snuff-colored vehicle, with faded gilt +wheels and brass earl's coronets all over it, the conveyance of the +House of Bungay. The Countess of Bungay and daughter stepped out of the +carriage. The fourteenth Earl of Bungay couldn't come. + +Sir Thomas and Lady Gulpin's fly made its appearance, from which issued +the General with his star, and Lady Gulpin in yellow satin. The Rowdys' +brougham followed next; after which Mrs. Butt's handsome equipage drove +up. + +The two friends of the house, young gentlemen from the Temple, now +arrived in cab No. 9996. We tossed up, in fact, which should pay the +fare. + +Mr. Ranville Ranville walked, and was dusting his boots as the Templars +drove up. Lord Castlemouldy came out of a twopenny omnibus. Funnyman, +the wag, came last, whirling up rapidly in a hansom, just as Mrs. +Gashleigh, with rage in her heart, was counting that two people had +failed, and that there were only seventeen after all. + +Mr. Truncheon passed our names to Mr. Billiter, who bawled them out on +the stairs. Rosa was smiling in a pink dress, and looking as fresh as +an angel, and received her company with that grace which has always +characterized her. + +The moment of the dinner arrived, old Lady Bungay scuffled off on +the arm of Fitzroy, while the rear was brought up by Rosa and Lord +Castlemouldy, of Ballyshanvanvoght Castle, co, Tipperary. Some fellows +who had the luck took down ladies to dinner. I was not sorry to be out +of the way of Mrs. Rowdy, with her dandified airs, or of that high and +mighty county princess, Mrs. Topham Sawyer. + + + + +VII. + + +Of course it does not become the present writer, who has partaken of the +best entertainment which his friends could supply, to make fun of their +(somewhat ostentatious, as it must be confessed) hospitality. If they +gave a dinner beyond their means, it is no business of mine. I hate a +man who goes and eats a friend's meat, and then blabs the secrets of +the mahogany. Such a man deserves never to be asked to dinner again; and +though at the close of a London season that seems no great loss, and +you sicken of a whitebait as you would of a whale--yet we must always +remember that there's another season coming, and hold our tongues for +the present. + +As for describing, then, the mere victuals on Timmins's table, that +would be absurd. Everybody--(I mean of the genteel world of course, of +which I make no doubt the reader is a polite ornament)--Everybody has +the same everything in London. You see the same coats, the same dinners, +the same boiled fowls and mutton, the same cutlets, fish, and +cucumbers, the same lumps of Wenham Lake ice, &c. The waiters with white +neck-cloths are as like each other everywhere as the peas which they +hand round with the ducks of the second course. Can't any one invent +anything new? + +The only difference between Timmins's dinner and his neighbor's was, +that he had hired, as we have said, the greater part of the plate, and +that his cowardly conscience magnified faults and disasters of which no +one else probably took heed. + +But Rosa thought, from the supercilious air with which Mrs. Topham +Sawyer was eying the plate and other arrangements, that she was +remarking the difference of the ciphers on the forks and spoons--which +had, in fact, been borrowed from every one of Fitzroy's friends--(I +know, for instance, that he had my six, among others, and only returned +five, along with a battered old black-pronged plated abomination, which +I have no doubt belongs to Mrs. Gashleigh, whom I hereby request to send +back mine in exchange)--their guilty consciences, I say, made them fancy +that every one was spying out their domestic deficiencies: whereas, it +is probable that nobody present thought of their failings at all. People +never do: they never see holes in their neighbors' coats--they are too +indolent, simple, and charitable. + +Some things, however, one could not help remarking: for instance, though +Fitz is my closest friend, yet could I avoid seeing and being amused by +his perplexity and his dismal efforts to be facetious? His eye wandered +all round the little room with quick uneasy glances, very different from +those frank and jovial looks with which he is accustomed to welcome you +to a leg of mutton; and Rosa, from the other end of the table, and +over the flowers, entree dishes, and wine-coolers, telegraphed him with +signals of corresponding alarm. Poor devils! why did they ever go beyond +that leg of mutton? + +Funnyman was not brilliant in conversation, scarcely opening his mouth, +except for the purposes of feasting. The fact is, our friend Tom Dawson +was at table, who knew all his stories, and in his presence the greatest +wag is always silent and uneasy. + +Fitz has a very pretty wit of his own, and a good reputation on circuit; +but he is timid before great people. And indeed the presence of that +awful Lady Bungay on his right hand was enough to damp him. She was in +court mourning (for the late Prince of Schlippenschloppen). She had on a +large black funereal turban and appurtenances, and a vast breastplate of +twinkling, twiddling black bugles. No wonder a man could not be gay in +talking to HER. + +Mrs. Rowdy and Mrs. Topham Sawyer love each other as women do who have +the same receiving nights, and ask the same society; they were only +separated by Ranville Ranville, who tries to be well with both and they +talked at each other across him. + +Topham and Rowdy growled out a conversation about Rum, Ireland, and the +Navigation Laws, quite unfit for print. Sawyer never speaks three words +without mentioning the House and the Speaker. + +The Irish Peer said nothing (which was a comfort) but he ate and drank +of everything which came in his way; and cut his usual absurd figure in +dyed whiskers and a yellow under-waistcoat. + +General Gulpin sported his star, and looked fat and florid, but +melancholy. His wife ordered away his dinner, just like honest Sancho's +physician at Barataria. + +Botherby's stories about Lamartine are as old as the hills, since the +barricades of 1848; and he could not get in a word or cut the slightest +figure. And as for Tom Dawson, he was carrying on an undertoned +small-talk with Lady Barbara St. Mary's, so that there was not much +conversation worth record going on WITHIN the dining-room. + +Outside it was different. Those houses in Lilliput Street are so +uncommonly compact, that you can hear everything which takes place all +over the tenement; and so-- + +In the awful pauses of the banquet, and the hall-door being furthermore +open, we had the benefit of hearing: + +The cook, and the occasional cook, below stairs, exchanging rapid +phrases regarding the dinner; + +The smash of the soup-tureen, and swift descent of the kitchen-maid and +soup-ladle down the stairs to the lower regions. This accident created a +laugh, and rather amused Fitzroy and the company, and caused Funnyman +to say, bowing to Rosa, that she was mistress of herself, though +China fall. But she did not heed him, for at that moment another noise +commenced, namely, that of-- + +The baby in the upper rooms, who commenced a series of piercing yells, +which, though stopped by the sudden clapping to of the nursery-door, +were only more dreadful to the mother when suppressed. She would +have given a guinea to go up stairs and have done with the whole +entertainment. + +A thundering knock came at the door very early after the dessert, and +the poor soul took a speedy opportunity of summoning the ladies to +depart, though you may be sure it was only old Mrs. Gashleigh, who had +come with her daughters--of course the first person to come. I saw her +red gown whisking up the stairs, which were covered with plates and +dishes, over which she trampled. + +Instead of having any quiet after the retreat of the ladies, the house +was kept in a rattle, and the glasses jingled on the table as the flymen +and coachmen plied the knocker, and the soiree came in. From my place +I could see everything: the guests as they arrived (I remarked very few +carriages, mostly cabs and flies), and a little crowd of blackguard boys +and children, who were formed round the door, and gave ironical cheers +to the folks as they stepped out of their vehicles. + +As for the evening-party, if a crowd in the dog-days is pleasant, poor +Mrs. Timmins certainly had a successful soiree. You could hardly move +on the stair. Mrs. Sternhold broke in the banisters, and nearly fell +through. There was such a noise and chatter you could not hear the +singing of the Miss Gashleighs, which was no great loss. Lady Bungay +could hardly get to her carriage, being entangled with Colonel Wedgewood +in the passage. An absurd attempt was made to get up a dance of some +kind; but before Mrs. Crowder had got round the room, the hanging-lamp +in the dining-room below was stove in, and fell with a crash on the +table, now prepared for refreshment. + +Why, in fact, did the Timminses give that party at all? It was quite +beyond their means. They have offended a score of their old friends, +and pleased none of their acquaintances. So angry were many who were not +asked, that poor Rosa says she must now give a couple more parties +and take in those not previously invited. And I know for a fact +that Fubsby's bill is not yet paid; nor Binney and Latham's the +wine-merchants; that the breakage and hire of glass and china cost ever +so much money; that every true friend of Timmins has cried out against +his absurd extravagance, and that now, when every one is going out of +town, Fitz has hardly money to pay his circuit, much more to take Rosa +to a watering-place, as he wished and promised. + +As for Mrs. Gashleigh, the only feasible plan of economy which she +can suggest, is that she could come and live with her daughter and +son-in-law, and that they should keep house together. If he agrees to +this, she has a little sum at the banker's, with which she would not +mind easing his present difficulties; and the poor wretch is so utterly +bewildered and crestfallen that it is very likely he will become her +victim. + +The Topham Sawyers, when they go down into the country, will represent +Fitz as a ruined man and reckless prodigal; his uncle, the attorney, +from whom he has expectations, will most likely withdraw his business, +and adopt some other member of his family--Blanche Crowder for instance, +whose husband, the doctor, has had high words with poor Fitzroy already, +of course at the women's instigation. And all these accumulated miseries +fall upon the unfortunate wretch because he was good-natured, and his +wife would have a Little Dinner. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Little Dinner at Timmins's, by +William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LITTLE DINNER AT TIMMINS'S *** + +***** This file should be named 2859.txt or 2859.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/5/2859/ + +Produced by Donald Lainson + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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