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diff --git a/2859-h/2859-h.htm b/2859-h/2859-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..20f9035 --- /dev/null +++ b/2859-h/2859-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1927 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + A Little Dinner at Timmins's., by William Makepeace Thackeray + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Little Dinner at Timmins's, by +William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Little Dinner at Timmins's + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: May 27, 2006 [EBook #2859] +Last Updated: March 5, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LITTLE DINNER AT TIMMINS'S *** + + + + +Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + A LITTLE DINNER AT TIMMINS'S. + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + by William Makepeace Thackeray + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> VII. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + I. + </h2> + <p> + Mr. and Mrs. Fitzroy Timmins live in Lilliput Street, that neat little + street which runs at right angles with the Park and Brobdingnag Gardens. + It is a very genteel neighborhood, and I need not say they are of a good + family. + </p> + <p> + Especially Mrs. Timmins, as her mamma is always telling Mr. T. They are + Suffolk people, and distantly related to the Right honorable the Earl of + Bungay. + </p> + <p> + Besides his house in Lilliput Street, Mr. Timmins has chambers in Fig-tree + Court, Temple, and goes the Northern Circuit. + </p> + <p> + The other day, when there was a slight difference about the payment of + fees between the great Parliamentary Counsel and the Solicitors, Stoke and + Pogers, of Great George Street, sent the papers of the Lough Foyle and + Lough Corrib Junction Railway to Mr. Fitzroy Timmins, who was so elated + that he instantly purchased a couple of looking-glasses for his + drawing-rooms (the front room is 16 by 12, and the back, a tight but + elegant apartment, 10 ft. 6 by 8 ft. 4), a coral for the baby, two new + dresses for Mrs. Timmins, and a little rosewood desk, at the Pantechnicon, + for which Rosa had long been sighing, with crumpled legs, emerald-green + and gold morocco top, and drawers all over. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Timmins is a very pretty poetess (her “Lines to a Faded Tulip” and + her “Plaint of Plinlimmon” appeared in one of last year's Keepsakes); and + Fitzroy, as he impressed a kiss on the snowy forehead of his bride, + pointed out to her, in one of the innumerable pockets of the desk, an + elegant ruby-tipped pen, and six charming little gilt blank books, marked + “My Books,” which Mrs. Fitzroy might fill, he said, (he is an Oxford man, + and very polite,) “with the delightful productions of her Muse.” Besides + these books, there was pink paper, paper with crimson edges, lace paper, + all stamped with R. F. T. (Rosa Fitzroy Timmins) and the hand and + battle-axe, the crest of the Timminses (and borne at Ascalon by Roaldus de + Timmins, a crusader, who is now buried in the Temple Church, next to + Serjeant Snooks), and yellow, pink, light-blue and other scented sealing + waxes, at the service of Rosa when she chose to correspond with her + friends. + </p> + <p> + Rosa, you may be sure, jumped with joy at the sight of this sweet present; + called her Charles (his first name is Samuel, but they have sunk that) the + best of men; embraced him a great number of times, to the edification of + her buttony little page, who stood at the landing; and as soon as he was + gone to chambers, took the new pen and a sweet sheet of paper, and began + to compose a poem. + </p> + <p> + “What shall it be about?” was naturally her first thought. “What should be + a young mother's first inspiration?” Her child lay on the sofa asleep + before her; and she began in her neatest hand— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “LINES + + “ON MY SON BUNGAY DE BRACY GASHLEIGH TYMMYNS, AGED TEN MONTHS. + + “Tuesday. + + “How beautiful! how beautiful thou seemest, + My boy, my precious one, my rosy babe! + Kind angels hover round thee, as thou dreamest: + Soft lashes hide thy beauteous azure eye which gleamest.” + </pre> + <p> + “Gleamest? thine eye which gleamest? Is that grammar?” thought Rosa, who + had puzzled her little brains for some time with this absurd question, + when the baby woke. Then the cook came up to ask about dinner; then Mrs. + Fundy slipped over from No. 27 (they are opposite neighbors, and made an + acquaintance through Mrs. Fundy's macaw); and a thousand things happened. + Finally, there was no rhyme to babe except Tippoo Saib (against whom Major + Gashleigh, Rosa's grandfather, had distinguished himself), and so she gave + up the little poem about her De Bracy. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless, when Fitzroy returned from chambers to take a walk with his + wife in the Park, as he peeped through the rich tapestry hanging which + divided the two drawing-rooms, he found his dear girl still seated at the + desk, and writing, writing away with her ruby pen as fast as it could + scribble. + </p> + <p> + “What a genius that child has!” he said; “why, she is a second Mrs. + Norton!” and advanced smiling to peep over her shoulder and see what + pretty thing Rosa was composing. + </p> + <p> + It was not poetry, though, that she was writing, and Fitz read as follows:— + </p> + <p> + “LILLIPUT STREET, Tuesday, 22nd May. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. and Mr. Fitzroy Tymmyns request the pleasure of Sir Thomas and Lady + Kicklebury's company at dinner on Wednesday, at 7 1/2 o'clock.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear!” exclaimed the barrister, pulling a long face. + </p> + <p> + “Law, Fitzroy!” cried the beloved of his bosom, “how you do startle one!” + </p> + <p> + “Give a dinner-party with our means!” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Ain't you making a fortune, you miser?” Rosa said. “Fifteen guineas a day + is four thousand five hundred a year; I've calculated it.” And, so saying, + she rose and taking hold of his whiskers (which are as fine as those of + any man of his circuit,) she put her mouth close up against his and did + something to his long face, which quite changed the expression of it; and + which the little page heard outside the door. + </p> + <p> + “Our dining-room won't hold ten,” he said. + </p> + <p> + “We'll only ask twenty, my love. Ten are sure to refuse in this season, + when everybody is giving parties. Look, here is the list.” + </p> + <p> + “Earl and Countess of Bungay, and Lady Barbara Saint Mary's.” + </p> + <p> + “You are dying to get a lord into the house,” Timmins said (HE had not + altered his name in Fig-tree Court yet, and therefore I am not so affected + as to call him TYMMYNS). + </p> + <p> + “Law, my dear, they are our cousins, and must be asked,” Rosa said. + </p> + <p> + “Let us put down my sister and Tom Crowder, then.” + </p> + <p> + “Blanche Crowder is really so VERY fat, Fitzroy,” his wife said, “and our + rooms are so VERY small.” + </p> + <p> + Fitz laughed. “You little rogue,” he said, “Lady Bungay weighs two of + Blanche, even when she's not in the f—” + </p> + <p> + “Fiddlesticks!” Rose cried out. “Doctor Crowder really cannot be admitted: + he makes such a noise eating his soup, that it is really quite + disagreeable.” And she imitated the gurgling noise performed by the Doctor + while inhausting his soup, in such a funny way that Fitz saw inviting him + was out of the question. + </p> + <p> + “Besides, we mustn't have too many relations,” Rosa went on. “Mamma, of + course, is coming. She doesn't like to be asked in the evening; and she'll + bring her silver bread-basket and her candlesticks, which are very rich + and handsome.” + </p> + <p> + “And you complain of Blanche for being too stout!” groaned out Timmins. + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, don't be in a pet,” said little Rosa. “The girls won't come + to dinner; but will bring their music afterwards.” And she went on with + the list. + </p> + <p> + “Sir Thomas and Lady Kicklebury, 2. No saying no: we MUST ask them, + Charles. They are rich people, and any room in their house in Brobdingnag + Gardens would swallow up OUR humble cot. But to people in OUR position in + SOCIETY they will be glad enough to come. The city people are glad to mix + with the old families.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good,” says Fitz, with a sad face of assent—and Mrs. Timmins + went on reading her list. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. and Mrs. Topham Sawyer, Belgravine Place.” + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Sawyer hasn't asked you all the season. She gives herself the airs + of an empress; and when—” + </p> + <p> + “One's Member, you know, my dear, one must have,” Rosa replied, with much + dignity as if the presence of the representative of her native place would + be a protection to her dinner. And a note was written and transported by + the page early next morning to the mansion of the Sawyers, in Belgravine + Place. + </p> + <p> + The Topham Sawyers had just come down to breakfast; Mrs. T. in her large + dust-colored morning-dress and Madonna front (she looks rather scraggy of + a morning, but I promise you her ringlets and figure will stun you of an + evening); and having read the note, the following dialogue passed:— + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Topham Sawyer.—“Well, upon my word, I don't know where things + will end. Mr. Sawyer, the Timminses have asked us to dinner.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Topham Sawyer.—“Ask us to dinner! What d——- + impudence!” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Topham Sawyer.—“The most dangerous and insolent revolutionary + principles are abroad, Mr. Sawyer; and I shall write and hint as much to + these persons.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Topham Sawyer.—“No, d—- it, Joanna: they are my + constituents and we must go. Write a civil note, and say we will come to + their party.” (He resumes the perusal of 'The times,' and Mrs. Topham + Sawyer writes)— + </p> + <p> + “MY DEAR ROSA,—We shall have GREAT PLEASURE in joining your little + party. I do not reply in the third person, as WE ARE OLD FRIENDS, you + know, and COUNTRY NEIGHBORS. I hope your mamma is well: present my KINDEST + REMEMBRANCES to her, and I hope we shall see much MORE of each other in + the summer, when we go down to the Sawpits (for going abroad is out of the + question in these DREADFUL TIMES). With a hundred kisses to your dear + little PET, + </p> + <p> + “Believe me your attached + </p> + <p> + “J. T. S.” + </p> + <p> + She said Pet, because she did not know whether Rosa's child was a girl or + boy: and Mrs. Timmins was very much pleased with the kind and gracious + nature of the reply to her invitation. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + II. + </h2> + <p> + The next persons whom little Mrs. Timmins was bent upon asking, were Mr. + and Mrs. John Rowdy, of the firm of Stumpy, Rowdy and Co., of Brobdingnag + Gardens, of the Prairie, Putney, and of Lombard Street, City. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Timinins and Mrs. Rowdy had been brought up at the same school + together, and there was always a little rivalry between them, from the day + when they contended for the French prize at school to last week, when each + had a stall at the Fancy Fair for the benefit of the Daughters of Decayed + Muffin-men; and when Mrs. Timmins danced against Mrs. Rowdy in the Scythe + Mazurka at the Polish Ball, headed by Mrs. Hugh Slasher. Rowdy took + twenty-three pounds more than Timmins in the Muffin transaction (for she + had possession of a kettle-holder worked by the hands of R-y-lty, which + brought crowds to her stall); but in the Mazurka Rosa conquered: she has + the prettiest little foot possible (which in a red boot and silver heel + looked so lovely that even the Chinese ambassador remarked it), whereas + Mrs. Rowdy's foot is no trifle, as Lord Cornbury acknowledged when it came + down on his lordship's boot-tip as they danced together amongst the + Scythes. + </p> + <p> + “These people are ruining themselves,” said Mrs. John Rowdy to her + husband, on receiving the pink note. It was carried round by that rogue of + a buttony page in the evening; and he walked to Brobdingnag Gardens, and + in the Park afterwards, with a young lady who is kitchen-maid at 27, and + who is not more than fourteen years older than little Buttons. + </p> + <p> + “These people are ruining themselves,” said Mrs. John to her husband. + “Rosa says she has asked the Bungays.” + </p> + <p> + “Bungays indeed! Timmins was always a tuft-hunter,” said Rowdy, who had + been at college with the barrister, and who, for his own part, has no more + objection to a lord than you or I have; and adding, “Hang him, what + business has HE to be giving parties?” allowed Mrs. Rowdy, nevertheless, + to accept Rosa's invitation. + </p> + <p> + “When I go to business to-morrow, I will just have a look at Mr. Fitz's + account,” Mr. Rowdy thought; “and if it is overdrawn, as it usually is, + why . . .” The announcement of Mrs. Rowdy's brougham here put an end to + this agreeable train of thought; and the banker and his lady stepped into + it to join a snug little family-party of two-and-twenty, given by Mr. and + Mrs. Secondchop at their great house on the other side of the Park. + </p> + <p> + “Rowdys 2, Bungays 3, ourselves and mamma 3, 2 Sawyers,” calculated little + Rosa. + </p> + <p> + “General Gulpin,” Rosa continued, “eats a great deal, and is very stupid, + but he looks well at table with his star and ribbon. Let us put HIM down!” + and she noted down “Sir Thomas and Lady Gulpin, 2. Lord Castlemouldy, 1.” + </p> + <p> + “You will make your party abominably genteel and stupid,” groaned Timmins. + “Why don't you ask some of our old friends? Old Mrs. Portman has asked us + twenty times, I am sure, within the last two years.” + </p> + <p> + “And the last time we went there, there was pea-soup for dinner!” Mrs. + Timmins said, with a look of ineffable scorn. + </p> + <p> + “Nobody can have been kinder than the Hodges have always been to us; and + some sort of return we might make, I think.” + </p> + <p> + “Return, indeed! A pretty sound it is on the staircase to hear 'Mr. and + Mrs. 'Odge and Miss 'Odges' pronounced by Billiter, who always leaves his + h's out. No, no: see attorneys at your chambers, my dear—but what + could the poor creatures do in OUR society?” And so, one by one, Timmins's + old friends were tried and eliminated by Mrs. Timmins, just as if she had + been an Irish Attorney-General, and they so many Catholics on Mr. + Mitchel's jury. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Fitzroy insisted that the party should be of her very best company. + Funnyman, the great wit, was asked, because of his jokes; and Mrs. Butt, + on whom he practises; and Potter, who is asked because everybody else asks + him; and Mr. Ranville Ranville of the Foreign Office, who might give some + news of the Spanish squabble; and Botherby, who has suddenly sprung up + into note because he is intimate with the French Revolution, and visits + Ledru-Rollin and Lamartine. And these, with a couple more who are amis de + la maison, made up the twenty, whom Mrs. Timmins thought she might safely + invite to her little dinner. + </p> + <p> + But the deuce of it was, that when the answers to the invitations came + back, everybody accepted! Here was a pretty quandary. How they were to get + twenty into their dining-room was a calculation which poor Timmins could + not solve at all; and he paced up and down the little room in dismay. + </p> + <p> + “Pooh!” said Rosa with a laugh. “Your sister Blanche looked very well in + one of my dresses last year; and you know how stout she is. We will find + some means to accommodate them all, depend upon it.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. John Rowdy's note to dear Rosa, accepting the latter's invitation, + was a very gracious and kind one; and Mrs. Fitz showed it to her husband + when he came back from chambers. But there was another note which had + arrived for him by this time from Mr. Rowdy—or rather from the firm; + and to the effect that Mr. F. Timmins had overdrawn his account 28L. 18s. + 6d., and was requested to pay that sum to his obedient servants, Stumpy, + Rowdy and Co. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + And Timmins did not like to tell his wife that the contending parties in + the Lough Foyle and Lough Corrib Railroad had come to a settlement, and + that the fifteen guineas a day had consequently determined. “I have had + seven days of it, though,” he thought; “and that will be enough to pay for + the desk, the dinner, and the glasses, and make all right with Stumpy and + Rowdy.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + III. + </h2> + <p> + The cards for dinner having been issued, it became the duty of Mrs. + Timmins to make further arrangements respecting the invitations to the + tea-party which was to follow the more substantial meal. + </p> + <p> + These arrangements are difficult, as any lady knows who is in the habit of + entertaining her friends. There are— + </p> + <p> + People who are offended if you ask them to tea whilst others have been + asked to dinner; + </p> + <p> + People who are offended if you ask them to tea at all; and cry out + furiously, “Good heavens! Jane my love, why do these Timminses suppose + that I am to leave my dinner-table to attend their ——- + soiree?” (the dear reader may fill up the ——- to any strength, + according to his liking)—or, “Upon my word, William my dear, it is + too much to ask us to pay twelve shillings for a brougham, and to spend I + don't know how much in gloves, just to make our curtsies in Mrs. Timmins's + little drawing-room.” Mrs. Moser made the latter remark about the Timmins + affair, while the former was uttered by Mr. Grumpley, barrister-at-law, to + his lady, in Gloucester Place. + </p> + <p> + That there are people who are offended if you don't ask them at all, is a + point which I suppose nobody will question. Timmins's earliest friend in + life was Simmins, whose wife and family have taken a cottage at Mortlake + for the season. + </p> + <p> + “We can't ask them to come out of the country,” Rosa said to her Fitzroy—(between + ourselves, she was delighted that Mrs. Simmins was out of the way, and was + as jealous of her as every well-regulated woman should be of her husband's + female friends)—“we can't ask them to come so far for the evening.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, no, certainly.” said Fitzroy, who has himself no very great opinion + of a tea-party; and so the Simminses were cut out of the list. + </p> + <p> + And what was the consequence? The consequence was, that Simmins and + Timmins cut when they met at Westminster; that Mrs. Simmins sent back all + the books which she had borrowed from Rosa, with a withering note of + thanks; that Rosa goes about saying that Mrs. Simmins squints; that Mrs. + S., on her side, declares that Rosa is crooked, and behaved shamefully to + Captain Hicks in marrying Fitzroy over him, though she was forced to do it + by her mother, and prefers the Captain to her husband to this day. If, in + a word, these two men could be made to fight, I believe their wives would + not be displeased; and the reason of all this misery, rage, and + dissension, lies in a poor little twopenny dinner-party in Lilliput + Street. + </p> + <p> + Well, the guests, both for before and after meat, having been asked, old + Mrs. Gashleigh, Rosa's mother—(and, by consequence, Fitzroy's DEAR + mother-in-law, though I promise you that “dear” is particularly sarcastic)—Mrs. + Gashleigh of course was sent for, and came with Miss Eliza Gashleigh, who + plays on the guitar, and Emily, who limps a little, but plays sweetly on + the concertina. They live close by—trust them for that. Your + mother-in-law is always within hearing, thank our stars for the attention + of the dear women. The Gashleighs, I say, live close by, and came early on + the morning after Rosa's notes had been issued for the dinner. + </p> + <p> + When Fitzroy, who was in his little study, which opens into his little + dining-room—one of those absurd little rooms which ought to be + called a gentleman's pantry, and is scarcely bigger than a shower-bath, or + a state cabin in a ship—when Fitzroy heard his mother-in-law's + knock, and her well-known scuffling and chattering in the passage—in + which she squeezed up young Buttons, the page, while she put questions to + him regarding baby, and the cook's health, and whether she had taken what + Mrs. Gashleigh had sent overnight, and the housemaid's health, and whether + Mr. Timmins had gone to chambers or not—and when, after this + preliminary chatter, Buttons flung open the door, announcing—“Mrs. + Gashleigh and the young ladies,” Fitzroy laid down his Times newspaper + with an expression that had best not be printed here, and took his hat and + walked away. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Gashleigh has never liked him since he left off calling her mamma, + and kissing her. But he said he could not stand it any longer—he was + hanged if he would. So he went away to chambers, leaving the field clear + to Rosa, mamma, and the two dear girls. + </p> + <p> + Or to one of them, rather: for before leaving the house, he thought he + would have a look at little Fitzroy up stairs in the nursery, and he found + the child in the hands of his maternal aunt Eliza, who was holding him and + pinching him as if he had been her guitar, I suppose; so that the little + fellow bawled pitifully—and his father finally quitted the premises. + </p> + <p> + No sooner was he gone, although the party was still a fortnight off, than + the women pounced upon his little study, and began to put it in order. + Some of his papers they pushed up over the bookcase, some they put behind + the Encyclopaedia. Some they crammed into the drawers—where Mrs. + Gashleigh found three cigars, which she pocketed, and some letters, over + which she cast her eye; and by Fitz's return they had the room as neat as + possible, and the best glass and dessert-service mustered on the study + table. + </p> + <p> + It was a very neat and handsome service, as you may be sure Mrs. Gashleigh + thought, whose rich uncle had purchased it for the young couple, at Spode + and Copeland's; but it was only for twelve persons. + </p> + <p> + It was agreed that it would be, in all respects, cheaper and better to + purchase a dozen more dessert-plates; and with “my silver basket in the + centre,” Mrs. G. said (she is always bragging about that confounded + bread-basket), “we need not have any extra china dishes, and the table + will look very pretty.” + </p> + <p> + On making a roll-call of the glass, it was calculated that at least a + dozen or so tumblers, four or five dozen wines, eight water-bottles, and a + proper quantity of ice-plates, were requisite; and that, as they would + always be useful, it would be best to purchase the articles immediately. + Fitz tumbled over the basket containing them, which stood in the hall as + he came in from chambers, and over the boy who had brought them—and + the little bill. + </p> + <p> + The women had had a long debate, and something like a quarrel, it must be + owned, over the bill of fare. Mrs. Gashleigh, who had lived a great part + of her life in Devonshire, and kept house in great state there, was famous + for making some dishes, without which, she thought, no dinner could be + perfect. When she proposed her mock-turtle, and stewed pigeons, and + gooseberry-cream, Rosa turned up her nose—a pretty little nose it + was, by the way, and with a natural turn in that direction. + </p> + <p> + “Mock-turtle in June, mamma!” said she. + </p> + <p> + “It was good enough for your grandfather, Rosa,” the mamma replied: “it + was good enough for the Lord High Admiral, when he was at Plymouth; it was + good enough for the first men in the county, and relished by Lord + Fortyskewer and Lord Rolls; Sir Lawrence Porker ate twice of it after + Exeter races; and I think it might be good enough for—” + </p> + <p> + “I will NOT have it, mamma!” said Rosa, with a stamp of her foot; and Mrs. + Gashleigh knew what resolution there was in that. Once, when she had tried + to physic the baby, there had been a similar fight between them. + </p> + <p> + So Mrs. Gashleigh made out a carte, in which the soup was left with a dash—a + melancholy vacuum; and in which the pigeons were certainly thrust in among + the entrees; but Rosa determined they never should make an entree at all + into HER dinner-party, but that she would have the dinner her own way. + </p> + <p> + When Fitz returned, then, and after he had paid the little bill of 6L. + 14s. 6d. for the glass, Rosa flew to him with her sweetest smiles, and the + baby in her arms. And after she had made him remark how the child grew + every day more and more like him, and after she had treated him to a + number of compliments and caresses, which it were positively fulsome to + exhibit in public, and after she had soothed him into good humor by her + artless tenderness, she began to speak to him about some little points + which she had at heart. + </p> + <p> + She pointed out with a sigh how shabby the old curtains looked since the + dear new glasses which her darling Fitz had given her had been put up in + the drawing-room. Muslin curtains cost nothing, and she must and would + have them. + </p> + <p> + The muslin curtains were accorded. She and Fitz went and bought them at + Shoolbred's, when you may be sure she treated herself likewise to a neat, + sweet pretty half-mourning (for the Court, you know, is in mourning)—a + neat sweet barege, or calimanco, or bombazine, or tiffany, or some such + thing; but Madame Camille, of Regent Street, made it up, and Rosa looked + like an angel in it on the night of her little dinner. + </p> + <p> + “And, my sweet,” she continued, after the curtains had been accorded, + “mamma and I have been talking about the dinner. She wants to make it very + expensive, which I cannot allow. I have been thinking of a delightful and + economical plan, and you, my sweetest Fitz, must put it into execution.” + </p> + <p> + “I have cooked a mutton-chop when I was in chambers,” Fitz said with a + laugh. “Am I to put on a cap and an apron?” + </p> + <p> + “No: but you are to go to the 'Megatherium Club' (where, you wretch, you + are always going without my leave), and you are to beg Monsieur + Mirobolant, your famous cook, to send you one of his best aides-de-camp, + as I know he will, and with his aid we can dress the dinner and the + confectionery at home for ALMOST NOTHING, and we can show those + purse-proud Topham Sawyers and Rowdys that the HUMBLE COTTAGE can furnish + forth an elegant entertainment as well as the gilded halls of wealth.” + </p> + <p> + Fitz agreed to speak to Monsieur Mirobolant. If Rosa had had a fancy for + the cook of the Prime Minister, I believe the deluded creature of a + husband would have asked Lord John for the loan of him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IV. + </h2> + <p> + Fitzroy Timmins, whose taste for wine is remarkable for so young a man, is + a member of the committee of the “Megatherium Club,” and the great + Mirobolant, good-natured as all great men are, was only too happy to + oblige him. A young friend and protege of his, of considerable merit, M. + Cavalcadour, happened to be disengaged through the lamented death of Lord + Hauncher, with whom young Cavalcadour had made his debut as an artist. He + had nothing to refuse to his master, Mirobolant, and would impress himself + to be useful to a gourmet so distinguished as Monsieur Timmins. Fitz went + away as pleased as Punch with this encomium of the great Mirobolant, and + was one of those who voted against the decreasing of Mirobolant's salary, + when the measure was proposed by Mr. Parings, Colonel Close, and the Screw + party in the committee of the club. + </p> + <p> + Faithful to the promise of his great master, the youthful Cavalcadour + called in Lilliput Street the next day. A rich crimson velvet waistcoat, + with buttons of blue glass and gold, a variegated blue satin stock, over + which a graceful mosaic chain hung in glittering folds, a white hat worn + on one side of his long curling ringlets, redolent with the most + delightful hair-oil—one of those white hats which looks as if it had + been just skinned—and a pair of gloves not exactly of the color of + beurre frais, but of beurre that has been up the chimney, with a natty + cane with a gilt knob, completed the upper part at any rate, of the + costume of the young fellow whom the page introduced to Mrs. Timmins. + </p> + <p> + Her mamma and she had been just having a dispute about the + gooseberry-cream when Cavalcadour arrived. His presence silenced Mrs. + Gashleigh; and Rosa, in carrying on a conversation with him in the French + language—which she had acquired perfectly in an elegant finishing + establishment in Kensington Square—had a great advantage over her + mother, who could only pursue the dialogue with very much difficulty, + eying one or other interlocutor with an alarmed and suspicious look, and + gasping out “We” whenever she thought a proper opportunity arose for the + use of that affirmative. + </p> + <p> + “I have two leetl menus weez me,” said Cavalcadour to Mrs. Gashleigh. + </p> + <p> + “Minews—yes,—oh, indeed?” answered the lady. + </p> + <p> + “Two little cartes.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, two carts! Oh, we,” she said. “Coming, I suppose?” And she looked out + of the window to see if they were there. + </p> + <p> + Cavalcadour smiled. He produced from a pocket-book a pink paper and a blue + paper, on which he had written two bills of fare—the last two which + he had composed for the lamented Hauncher—and he handed these over + to Mrs. Fitzroy. + </p> + <p> + The poor little woman was dreadfully puzzled with these documents, (she + has them in her possession still,) and began to read from the pink one as + follows:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “DINER POUR 16 PERSONNES. + + Potage (clair) a la Rigodon. + Do. a la Prince de Tombuctou. + + Deux Poissons. + + Saumon de Severne Rougets Gratines + a la Boadicee. a la Cleopatre. + + Deux Releves. + + Le Chapeau-a-trois-cornes farci a la Robespierre. + Le Tire-botte a l'Odalisque. + + Six Entrees. + Saute de Hannetons a l'Epingliere. + Cotelettes a la Megatherium. + Bourrasque de Veau a la Palsambleu. + Laitances de Carpe en goguette a la Reine Pomare. + Turban de Volaille a l'Archeveque de Cantorbery.” + </pre> + <p> + And so on with the entremets, and hors d'oeuvres, and the rotis, and the + releves. + </p> + <p> + “Madame will see that the dinners are quite simple,” said M. Cavalcadour. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, quite!” said Rosa, dreadfully puzzled. + </p> + <p> + “Which would Madame like?” + </p> + <p> + “Which would we like, mamma?” Rosa asked; adding, as if after a little + thought, “I think, sir, we should prefer the blue one.” At which Mrs. + Gashleigh nodded as knowingly as she could; though pink or blue, I defy + anybody to know what these cooks mean by their jargon. + </p> + <p> + “If you please, Madame, we will go down below and examine the scene of + operations,” Monsieur Cavalcadour said; and so he was marshalled down the + stairs to the kitchen, which he didn't like to name, and appeared before + the cook in all his splendor. + </p> + <p> + He cast a rapid glance round the premises, and a smile of something like + contempt lighted up his features. “Will you bring pen and ink, if you + please, and I will write down a few of the articles which will be + necessary for us? We shall require, if you please, eight more stew-pans, a + couple of braising-pans, eight saute-pans, six bainmarie-pans, a + freezing-pot with accessories, and a few more articles of which I will + inscribe the names.” And Mr. Cavalcadour did so, dashing down, with the + rapidity of genius, a tremendous list of ironmongery goods, which he + handed over to Mrs. Timmins. She and her mamma were quite frightened by + the awful catalogue. + </p> + <p> + “I will call three days hence and superintend the progress of matters; and + we will make the stock for the soup the day before the dinner.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't you think, sir,” here interposed Mrs. Gashleigh, “that one soup—a + fine rich mock-turtle, such as I have seen in the best houses in the West + of England, and such as the late Lord Fortyskewer—” + </p> + <p> + “You will get what is wanted for the soups, if you please,” Mr. + Cavalcadour continued, not heeding this interruption, and as bold as a + captain on his own quarter-deck: “for the stock of clear soup, you will + get a leg of beef, a leg of veal, and a ham.” + </p> + <p> + “We, munseer,” said the cook, dropping a terrified curtsy: “a leg of beef, + a leg of veal, and a ham.” + </p> + <p> + “You can't serve a leg of veal at a party,” said Mrs. Gashleigh; “and a + leg of beef is not a company dish.” + </p> + <p> + “Madame, they are to make the stock of the clear soup,” Mr. Cavalcadour + said. + </p> + <p> + “WHAT!” cried Mrs. Gashleigh; and the cook repeated his former expression. + </p> + <p> + “Never, whilst I am in this house,” cried out Mrs. Gashleigh, indignantly; + “never in a Christian ENGLISH household; never shall such sinful waste be + permitted by ME. If you wish me to dine, Rosa, you must get a dinner less + EXPENSIVE. The Right Honorable Lord Fortyskewer could dine, sir, without + these wicked luxuries, and I presume my daughter's guests can.” + </p> + <p> + “Madame is perfectly at liberty to decide,” said M. Cavalcadour. “I came + to oblige Madame and my good friend Mirobolant, not myself.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, sir, I think it WILL be too expensive,” Rosa stammered in a + great flutter; “but I am very much obliged to you.” + </p> + <p> + “Il n'y a point d'obligation, Madame,” said Monsieur Alcide Camille + Cavalcadour in his most superb manner; and, making a splendid bow to the + lady of the house, was respectfully conducted to the upper regions by + little Buttons, leaving Rosa frightened, the cook amazed and silent, and + Mrs. Gashleigh boiling with indignation against the dresser. + </p> + <p> + Up to that moment, Mrs. Blowser, the cook, who had come out of Devonshire + with Mrs. Gashleigh (of course that lady garrisoned her daughter's house + with servants, and expected them to give her information of everything + which took place there) up to that moment, I say, the cook had been quite + contented with that subterraneous station which she occupied in life, and + had a pride in keeping her kitchen neat, bright, and clean. It was, in her + opinion, the comfortablest room in the house (we all thought so when we + came down of a night to smoke there), and the handsomest kitchen in + Lilliput Street. + </p> + <p> + But after the visit of Cavalcadour, the cook became quite discontented and + uneasy in her mind. She talked in a melancholy manner over the + area-railings to the cooks at twenty-three and twenty-five. She stepped + over the way, and conferred with the cook there. She made inquiries at the + baker's and at other places about the kitchens in the great houses in + Brobdingnag Gardens, and how many spits, bangmarry-pans, and stoo-pans + they had. She thought she could not do with an occasional help, but must + have a kitchen-maid. And she was often discovered by a gentleman of the + police force, who was, I believe, her cousin, and occasionally visited her + when Mrs. Gashleigh was not in the house or spying it:—she was + discovered seated with MRS. RUNDELL in her lap, its leaves bespattered + with her tears. “My pease be gone, Pelisse,” she said, “zins I zaw that + ther Franchman!” And it was all the faithful fellow could do to console + her. + </p> + <p> + “—— the dinner!” said Timmins, in a rage at last. “Having it + cooked in the house is out of the question. The bother of it, and the row + your mother makes, are enough to drive one mad. It won't happen again, I + can promise you, Rosa. Order it at Fubsby's, at once. You can have + everything from Fubsby's—from footmen to saltspoons. Let's go and + order it at Fubsby's.” + </p> + <p> + “Darling, if you don't mind the expense, and it will be any relief to you, + let us do as you wish,” Rosa said; and she put on her bonnet, and they + went off to the grand cook and confectioner of the Brobdingnag quarter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + V. + </h2> + <p> + On the arm of her Fitzroy, Rosa went off to Fubsby's, that magnificent + shop at the corner of Parliament Place and Alicompayne Square,—a + shop into which the rogue had often cast a glance of approbation as he + passed: for there are not only the most wonderful and delicious cakes and + confections in the window, but at the counter there are almost sure to be + three or four of the prettiest women in the whole of this world, with + little darling caps of the last French make, with beautiful wavy hair, and + the neatest possible waists and aprons. + </p> + <p> + Yes, there they sit; and others, perhaps, besides Fitz have cast a + sheep's-eye through those enormous plate-glass windowpanes. I suppose it + is the fact of perpetually living among such a quantity of good things + that makes those young ladies so beautiful. They come into the place, let + us say, like ordinary people, and gradually grow handsomer and handsomer, + until they grow out into the perfect angels you see. It can't be + otherwise: if you and I, my dear fellow, were to have a course of that + place, we should become beautiful too. They live in an atmosphere of the + most delicious pine-apples, blanc-manges, creams, (some whipt, and some so + good that of course they don't want whipping,) jellies, tipsy-cakes, + cherry-brandy—one hundred thousand sweet and lovely things. Look at + the preserved fruits, look at the golden ginger, the outspreading ananas, + the darling little rogues of China oranges, ranged in the gleaming crystal + cylinders. Mon Dieu! Look at the strawberries in the leaves. Each of them + is as large nearly as a lady's reticule, and looks as if it had been + brought up in a nursery to itself. One of those strawberries is a meal for + those young ladies, behind the counter; they nibble off a little from the + side, and if they are very hungry, which can scarcely ever happen, they + are allowed to go to the crystal canisters and take out a rout-cake or + macaroon. In the evening they sit and tell each other little riddles out + of the bonbons; and when they wish to amuse themselves, they read the most + delightful remarks, in the French language, about Love, and Cupid, and + Beauty, before they place them inside the crackers. They always are + writing down good things into Mr. Fubsby's ledgers. It must be a perfect + feast to read them. Talk of the Garden of Eden! I believe it was nothing + to Mr. Fubsby's house; and I have no doubt that after those young ladies + have been there a certain time, they get to such a pitch of loveliness at + last, that they become complete angels, with wings sprouting out of their + lovely shoulders, when (after giving just a preparatory balance or two) + they fly up to the counter and perch there for a minute, hop down again, + and affectionately kiss the other young ladies, and say, “Good-by, dears! + We shall meet again la haut.” And then with a whir of their deliciously + scented wings, away they fly for good, whisking over the trees of + Brobdingnag Square, and up into the sky, as the policeman touches his hat. + </p> + <p> + It is up there that they invent the legends for the crackers, and the + wonderful riddles and remarks on the bonbons. No mortal, I am sure, could + write them. + </p> + <p> + I never saw a man in such a state as Fitzroy Timmins in the presence of + those ravishing houris. Mrs. Fitz having explained that they required a + dinner for twenty persons, the chief young lady asked what Mr. and Mrs. + Fitz would like, and named a thousand things, each better than the other, + to all of which Fitz instantly said yes. The wretch was in such a state of + infatuation that I believe if that lady had proposed to him a fricasseed + elephant, or a boa-constrictor in jelly, he would have said, “O yes, + certainly; put it down.” + </p> + <p> + That Peri wrote down in her album a list of things which it would make + your mouth water to listen to. But she took it all quite calmly. Heaven + bless you! THEY don't care about things that are no delicacies to them! + But whatever she chose to write down, Fitzroy let her. + </p> + <p> + After the dinner and dessert were ordered (at Fubsby's they furnish + everything: dinner and dessert, plate and china, servants in your own + livery, and, if you please, guests of title too), the married couple + retreated from that shop of wonders; Rosa delighted that the trouble of + the dinner was all off their hands but she was afraid it would be rather + expensive. + </p> + <p> + “Nothing can be too expensive which pleases YOU, dear,” Fitz said. + </p> + <p> + “By the way, one of those young women was rather good-looking,” Rosa + remarked: “the one in the cap with the blue ribbons.” (And she cast about + the shape of the cap in her mind, and determined to have exactly such + another.) + </p> + <p> + “Think so? I didn't observe,” said the miserable hypocrite by her side; + and when he had seen Rosa home, he went back, like an infamous fiend, to + order something else which he had forgotten, he said, at Fubsby's. Get out + of that Paradise, you cowardly, creeping, vile serpent you! + </p> + <p> + Until the day of the dinner, the infatuated fop was ALWAYS going to + Fubsby's. HE WAS REMARKED THERE. He used to go before he went to chambers + in the morning, and sometimes on his return from the Temple: but the + morning was the time which he preferred; and one day, when he went on one + of his eternal pretexts, and was chattering and flirting at the counter, a + lady who had been reading yesterday's paper and eating a halfpenny bun for + an hour in the back shop (if that paradise may be called a shop)—a + lady stepped forward, laid down the Morning Herald, and confronted him. + </p> + <p> + That lady was Mrs. Gashleigh. From that day the miserable Fitzroy was in + her power; and she resumed a sway over his house, to shake off which had + been the object of his life, and the result of many battles. And for a + mere freak—(for, on going into Fubsby's a week afterwards he found + the Peris drinking tea out of blue cups, and eating stale bread and + butter, when his absurd passion instantly vanished)—I say, for a + mere freak, the most intolerable burden of his life was put on his + shoulders again—his mother-in-law. + </p> + <p> + On the day before the little dinner took place—and I promise you we + shall come to it in the very next chapter—a tall and elegant + middle-aged gentleman, who might have passed for an earl but that there + was a slight incompleteness about his hands and feet, the former being + uncommonly red, and the latter large and irregular, was introduced to Mrs. + Timmins by the page, who announced him as Mr. Truncheon. + </p> + <p> + “I'm Truncheon, Ma'am,” he said, with a low bow. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” said Rosa. + </p> + <p> + “About the dinner M'm, from Fubsby's, M'm. As you have no butler, M'm, I + presume you will wish me to act as sich. I shall bring two persons as + haids to-morrow; both answers to the name of John. I'd best, if you + please, inspect the premisis, and will think you to allow your young man + to show me the pantry and kitching.” + </p> + <p> + Truncheon spoke in a low voice, and with the deepest and most respectful + melancholy. There is not much expression in his eyes, but from what there + is, you would fancy that he was oppressed by a secret sorrow. Rosa + trembled as she surveyed this gentleman's size, his splendid appearance, + and gravity. “I am sure,” she said, “I never shall dare to ask him to hand + a glass of water.” Even Mrs. Gashleigh, when she came on the morning of + the actual dinner-party, to superintend matters, was cowed, and retreated + from the kitchen before the calm majesty of Truncheon. + </p> + <p> + And yet that great man was, like all the truly great—affable. + </p> + <p> + He put aside his coat and waistcoat (both of evening cut, and looking + prematurely splendid as he walked the streets in noonday), and did not + disdain to rub the glasses and polish the decanters, and to show young + Buttons the proper mode of preparing these articles for a dinner. And + while he operated, the maids, and Buttons, and cook, when she could—and + what had she but the vegetables to boil?—crowded round him, and + listened with wonder as he talked of the great families as he had lived + with. That man, as they saw him there before them, had been cab-boy to + Lord Tantallan, valet to the Earl of Bareacres, and groom of the chambers + to the Duchess Dowager of Fitzbattleaxe. Oh, it was delightful to hear Mr. + Truncheon! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VI. + </h2> + <p> + On the great, momentous, stupendous day of the dinner, my beloved female + reader may imagine that Fitzroy Timmins was sent about his business at an + early hour in the morning, while the women began to make preparations to + receive their guests. “There will be no need of your going to Fubsby's,” + Mrs. Gashleigh said to him, with a look that drove him out of doors. + “Everything that we require has been ordered THERE! You will please to be + back here at six o'clock, and not sooner: and I presume you will acquiesce + in my arrangements about the WINE?” + </p> + <p> + “O yes, mamma,” said the prostrate son-in-law. + </p> + <p> + “In so large a party—a party beyond some folks MEANS—expensive + WINES are ABSURD. The light sherry at 26s., the champagne at 42s.; and you + are not to go beyond 36s. for the claret and port after dinner. Mind, + coffee will be served; and you come up stairs after two rounds of the + claret.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course, of course,” acquiesced the wretch; and hurried out of the + house to his chambers, and to discharge the commissions with which the + womankind had intrusted him. + </p> + <p> + As for Mrs. Gashleigh, you might have heard her bawling over the house the + whole day long. That admirable woman was everywhere: in the kitchen until + the arrival of Truncheon, before whom she would not retreat without a + battle; on the stairs; in Fitzroy's dressing-room; and in Fitzroy minor's + nursery, to whom she gave a dose of her own composition, while the nurse + was sent out on a pretext to make purchases of garnish for the dishes to + be served for the little dinner. Garnish for the dishes! As if the folks + at Fubsby's could not garnish dishes better than Gashleigh, with her + stupid old-world devices of laurel-leaves, parsley, and cut turnips! Why, + there was not a dish served that day that was not covered over with + skewers, on which truffles, crayfish, mushrooms, and forced-meat were + impaled. When old Gashleigh went down with her barbarian bunches of holly + and greens to stick about the meats, even the cook saw their incongruity, + and, at Truncheon's orders, flung the whole shrubbery into the dust-house, + where, while poking about the premises, you may be sure Mrs. G. saw it. + </p> + <p> + Every candle which was to be burned that night (including the tallow + candle, which she said was a good enough bed-light for Fitzroy) she stuck + into the candlesticks with her own hands, giving her own high-shouldered + plated candlesticks of the year 1798 the place of honor. She upset all + poor Rosa's floral arrangements, turning the nosegays from one vase into + the other without any pity, and was never tired of beating, and pushing, + and patting, and WHAPPING the curtain and sofa draperies into shape in the + little drawing-room. + </p> + <p> + In Fitz's own apartments she revelled with peculiar pleasure. It has been + described how she had sacked his study and pushed away his papers, some of + which, including three cigars, and the commencement of an article for the + Law Magazine, “Lives of the Sheriffs' Officers,” he has never been able to + find to this day. Mamma now went into the little room in the back regions, + which is Fitz's dressing-room, (and was destined to be a cloak-room,) and + here she rummaged to her heart's delight. + </p> + <p> + In an incredibly short space of time she examined all his outlying + pockets, drawers, and letters; she inspected his socks and handkerchiefs + in the top drawers; and on the dressing-table, his razors, shaving-strop, + and hair-oil. She carried off his silver-topped scent-bottle out of his + dressing-case, and a half-dozen of his favorite pills (which Fitz + possesses in common with every well-regulated man), and probably + administered them to her own family. His boots, glossy pumps, and slippers + she pushed into the shower-bath, where the poor fellow stepped into them + the next morning, in the midst of a pool in which they were lying. The + baby was found sucking his boot-hooks the next day in the nursery; and as + for the bottle of varnish for his shoes, (which he generally paints upon + the trees himself, having a pretty taste in that way,) it could never be + found to the present hour but it was remarked that the young Master + Gashleighs, when they came home for the holidays, always wore lacquered + highlows; and the reader may draw his conclusions from THAT fact. + </p> + <p> + In the course of the day all the servants gave Mrs. Timmins warning. + </p> + <p> + The cook said she coodn't abear it no longer, 'aving Mrs. G. always about + her kitching, with her fingers in all the saucepans. Mrs. G. had got her + the place, but she preferred one as Mrs. G. didn't get for her. + </p> + <p> + The nurse said she was come to nuss Master Fitzroy, and knew her duty; his + grandmamma wasn't his nuss, and was always aggrawating her,—missus + must shoot herself elsewhere. + </p> + <p> + The housemaid gave utterance to the same sentiments in language more + violent. + </p> + <p> + Little Buttons bounced up to his mistress, said he was butler of the + family, Mrs. G. was always poking about his pantry, and dam if he'd stand + it. + </p> + <p> + At every moment Rosa grew more and more bewildered. The baby howled a + great deal during the day. His large china christening-bowl was cracked by + Mrs. Gashleigh altering the flowers in it, and pretending to be very cool, + whilst her hands shook with rage. + </p> + <p> + “Pray go on, mamma,” Rosa said with tears in her eyes. “Should you like to + break the chandelier?” + </p> + <p> + “Ungrateful, unnatural child!” bellowed the other. “Only that I know you + couldn't do without me, I'd leave the house this minute.” + </p> + <p> + “As you wish,” said Rosa; but Mrs. G. DIDN'T wish: and in this juncture + Truncheon arrived. + </p> + <p> + That officer surveyed the dining-room, laid the cloth there with admirable + precision and neatness; ranged the plate on the sideboard with graceful + accuracy, but objected to that old thing in the centre, as he called Mrs. + Gashleigh's silver basket, as cumbrous and useless for the table, where + they would want all the room they could get. + </p> + <p> + Order was not restored to the house, nor, indeed, any decent progress + made, until this great man came: but where there was a revolt before, and + a general disposition to strike work and to yell out defiance against Mrs. + Gashleigh, who was sitting bewildered and furious in the drawing-room—where + there was before commotion, at the appearance of the master-spirit, all + was peace and unanimity: the cook went back to her pans, the housemaid + busied herself with the china and glass, cleaning some articles and + breaking others, Buttons sprang up and down the stairs, obedient to the + orders of his chief, and all things went well and in their season. + </p> + <p> + At six, the man with the wine came from Binney and Latham's. At a quarter + past six, Timmins himself arrived. + </p> + <p> + At half past six he might have been heard shouting out for his varnished + boots but we know where THOSE had been hidden—and for his dressing + things; but Mrs. Gashleigh had put them away. + </p> + <p> + As in his vain inquiries for these articles he stood shouting, “Nurse! + Buttons! Rosa my dear!” and the most fearful execrations up and down the + stairs, Mr. Truncheon came out on him. + </p> + <p> + “Egscuse me, sir,” says he, “but it's impawsable. We can't dine twenty at + that table—not if you set 'em out awinder, we can't.” + </p> + <p> + “What's to be done?” asked Fitzroy, in an agony; “they've all said they'd + come.” + </p> + <p> + “Can't do it,” said the other; “with two top and bottom—and your + table is as narrow as a bench—we can't hold more than heighteen, and + then each person's helbows will be into his neighbor's cheer.” + </p> + <p> + “Rosa! Mrs. Gashleigh!” cried out Timmins, “come down and speak to this + gentl—this—” + </p> + <p> + “Truncheon, sir,” said the man. + </p> + <p> + The women descended from the drawing-room. “Look and see, ladies,” he + said, inducting them into the dining-room: “there's the room, there's the + table laid for heighteen, and I defy you to squeege in more.” + </p> + <p> + “One person in a party always fails,” said Mrs. Gashleigh, getting + alarmed. + </p> + <p> + “That's nineteen,” Mr. Truncheon remarked. “We must knock another hoff, + Ma'm.” And he looked her hard in the face. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Gashleigh was very red and nervous, and paced, or rather squeezed + round the table (it was as much as she could do). The chairs could not be + put any closer than they were. It was impossible, unless the convive sat + as a centre-piece in the middle, to put another guest at that table. + </p> + <p> + “Look at that lady movin' round, sir. You see now the difficklty. If my + men wasn't thinner, they couldn't hoperate at all,” Mr. Truncheon + observed, who seemed to have a spite to Mrs. Gashleigh. + </p> + <p> + “What is to be done?” she said, with purple accents. + </p> + <p> + “My dearest mamma,” Rosa cried out, “you must stop at home—how sorry + I am!” And she shot one glance at Fitzroy, who shot another at the great + Truncheon, who held down his eyes. “We could manage with heighteen,” he + said, mildly. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Gashleigh gave a hideous laugh. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + She went away. At eight o'clock she was pacing at the corner of the + street, and actually saw the company arrive. First came the Topham + Sawyers, in their light-blue carriage with the white hammercloth and blue + and white ribbons—their footmen drove the house down with the + knocking. + </p> + <p> + Then followed the ponderous and snuff-colored vehicle, with faded gilt + wheels and brass earl's coronets all over it, the conveyance of the House + of Bungay. The Countess of Bungay and daughter stepped out of the + carriage. The fourteenth Earl of Bungay couldn't come. + </p> + <p> + Sir Thomas and Lady Gulpin's fly made its appearance, from which issued + the General with his star, and Lady Gulpin in yellow satin. The Rowdys' + brougham followed next; after which Mrs. Butt's handsome equipage drove + up. + </p> + <p> + The two friends of the house, young gentlemen from the Temple, now arrived + in cab No. 9996. We tossed up, in fact, which should pay the fare. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Ranville Ranville walked, and was dusting his boots as the Templars + drove up. Lord Castlemouldy came out of a twopenny omnibus. Funnyman, the + wag, came last, whirling up rapidly in a hansom, just as Mrs. Gashleigh, + with rage in her heart, was counting that two people had failed, and that + there were only seventeen after all. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Truncheon passed our names to Mr. Billiter, who bawled them out on the + stairs. Rosa was smiling in a pink dress, and looking as fresh as an + angel, and received her company with that grace which has always + characterized her. + </p> + <p> + The moment of the dinner arrived, old Lady Bungay scuffled off on the arm + of Fitzroy, while the rear was brought up by Rosa and Lord Castlemouldy, + of Ballyshanvanvoght Castle, co, Tipperary. Some fellows who had the luck + took down ladies to dinner. I was not sorry to be out of the way of Mrs. + Rowdy, with her dandified airs, or of that high and mighty county + princess, Mrs. Topham Sawyer. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VII. + </h2> + <p> + Of course it does not become the present writer, who has partaken of the + best entertainment which his friends could supply, to make fun of their + (somewhat ostentatious, as it must be confessed) hospitality. If they gave + a dinner beyond their means, it is no business of mine. I hate a man who + goes and eats a friend's meat, and then blabs the secrets of the mahogany. + Such a man deserves never to be asked to dinner again; and though at the + close of a London season that seems no great loss, and you sicken of a + whitebait as you would of a whale—yet we must always remember that + there's another season coming, and hold our tongues for the present. + </p> + <p> + As for describing, then, the mere victuals on Timmins's table, that would + be absurd. Everybody—(I mean of the genteel world of course, of + which I make no doubt the reader is a polite ornament)—Everybody has + the same everything in London. You see the same coats, the same dinners, + the same boiled fowls and mutton, the same cutlets, fish, and cucumbers, + the same lumps of Wenham Lake ice, &c. The waiters with white + neck-cloths are as like each other everywhere as the peas which they hand + round with the ducks of the second course. Can't any one invent anything + new? + </p> + <p> + The only difference between Timmins's dinner and his neighbor's was, that + he had hired, as we have said, the greater part of the plate, and that his + cowardly conscience magnified faults and disasters of which no one else + probably took heed. + </p> + <p> + But Rosa thought, from the supercilious air with which Mrs. Topham Sawyer + was eying the plate and other arrangements, that she was remarking the + difference of the ciphers on the forks and spoons—which had, in + fact, been borrowed from every one of Fitzroy's friends—(I know, for + instance, that he had my six, among others, and only returned five, along + with a battered old black-pronged plated abomination, which I have no + doubt belongs to Mrs. Gashleigh, whom I hereby request to send back mine + in exchange)—their guilty consciences, I say, made them fancy that + every one was spying out their domestic deficiencies: whereas, it is + probable that nobody present thought of their failings at all. People + never do: they never see holes in their neighbors' coats—they are + too indolent, simple, and charitable. + </p> + <p> + Some things, however, one could not help remarking: for instance, though + Fitz is my closest friend, yet could I avoid seeing and being amused by + his perplexity and his dismal efforts to be facetious? His eye wandered + all round the little room with quick uneasy glances, very different from + those frank and jovial looks with which he is accustomed to welcome you to + a leg of mutton; and Rosa, from the other end of the table, and over the + flowers, entree dishes, and wine-coolers, telegraphed him with signals of + corresponding alarm. Poor devils! why did they ever go beyond that leg of + mutton? + </p> + <p> + Funnyman was not brilliant in conversation, scarcely opening his mouth, + except for the purposes of feasting. The fact is, our friend Tom Dawson + was at table, who knew all his stories, and in his presence the greatest + wag is always silent and uneasy. + </p> + <p> + Fitz has a very pretty wit of his own, and a good reputation on circuit; + but he is timid before great people. And indeed the presence of that awful + Lady Bungay on his right hand was enough to damp him. She was in court + mourning (for the late Prince of Schlippenschloppen). She had on a large + black funereal turban and appurtenances, and a vast breastplate of + twinkling, twiddling black bugles. No wonder a man could not be gay in + talking to HER. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Rowdy and Mrs. Topham Sawyer love each other as women do who have the + same receiving nights, and ask the same society; they were only separated + by Ranville Ranville, who tries to be well with both and they talked at + each other across him. + </p> + <p> + Topham and Rowdy growled out a conversation about Rum, Ireland, and the + Navigation Laws, quite unfit for print. Sawyer never speaks three words + without mentioning the House and the Speaker. + </p> + <p> + The Irish Peer said nothing (which was a comfort) but he ate and drank of + everything which came in his way; and cut his usual absurd figure in dyed + whiskers and a yellow under-waistcoat. + </p> + <p> + General Gulpin sported his star, and looked fat and florid, but + melancholy. His wife ordered away his dinner, just like honest Sancho's + physician at Barataria. + </p> + <p> + Botherby's stories about Lamartine are as old as the hills, since the + barricades of 1848; and he could not get in a word or cut the slightest + figure. And as for Tom Dawson, he was carrying on an undertoned small-talk + with Lady Barbara St. Mary's, so that there was not much conversation + worth record going on WITHIN the dining-room. + </p> + <p> + Outside it was different. Those houses in Lilliput Street are so + uncommonly compact, that you can hear everything which takes place all + over the tenement; and so— + </p> + <p> + In the awful pauses of the banquet, and the hall-door being furthermore + open, we had the benefit of hearing: + </p> + <p> + The cook, and the occasional cook, below stairs, exchanging rapid phrases + regarding the dinner; + </p> + <p> + The smash of the soup-tureen, and swift descent of the kitchen-maid and + soup-ladle down the stairs to the lower regions. This accident created a + laugh, and rather amused Fitzroy and the company, and caused Funnyman to + say, bowing to Rosa, that she was mistress of herself, though China fall. + But she did not heed him, for at that moment another noise commenced, + namely, that of— + </p> + <p> + The baby in the upper rooms, who commenced a series of piercing yells, + which, though stopped by the sudden clapping to of the nursery-door, were + only more dreadful to the mother when suppressed. She would have given a + guinea to go up stairs and have done with the whole entertainment. + </p> + <p> + A thundering knock came at the door very early after the dessert, and the + poor soul took a speedy opportunity of summoning the ladies to depart, + though you may be sure it was only old Mrs. Gashleigh, who had come with + her daughters—of course the first person to come. I saw her red gown + whisking up the stairs, which were covered with plates and dishes, over + which she trampled. + </p> + <p> + Instead of having any quiet after the retreat of the ladies, the house was + kept in a rattle, and the glasses jingled on the table as the flymen and + coachmen plied the knocker, and the soiree came in. From my place I could + see everything: the guests as they arrived (I remarked very few carriages, + mostly cabs and flies), and a little crowd of blackguard boys and + children, who were formed round the door, and gave ironical cheers to the + folks as they stepped out of their vehicles. + </p> + <p> + As for the evening-party, if a crowd in the dog-days is pleasant, poor + Mrs. Timmins certainly had a successful soiree. You could hardly move on + the stair. Mrs. Sternhold broke in the banisters, and nearly fell through. + There was such a noise and chatter you could not hear the singing of the + Miss Gashleighs, which was no great loss. Lady Bungay could hardly get to + her carriage, being entangled with Colonel Wedgewood in the passage. An + absurd attempt was made to get up a dance of some kind; but before Mrs. + Crowder had got round the room, the hanging-lamp in the dining-room below + was stove in, and fell with a crash on the table, now prepared for + refreshment. + </p> + <p> + Why, in fact, did the Timminses give that party at all? It was quite + beyond their means. They have offended a score of their old friends, and + pleased none of their acquaintances. So angry were many who were not + asked, that poor Rosa says she must now give a couple more parties and + take in those not previously invited. And I know for a fact that Fubsby's + bill is not yet paid; nor Binney and Latham's the wine-merchants; that the + breakage and hire of glass and china cost ever so much money; that every + true friend of Timmins has cried out against his absurd extravagance, and + that now, when every one is going out of town, Fitz has hardly money to + pay his circuit, much more to take Rosa to a watering-place, as he wished + and promised. + </p> + <p> + As for Mrs. Gashleigh, the only feasible plan of economy which she can + suggest, is that she could come and live with her daughter and son-in-law, + and that they should keep house together. If he agrees to this, she has a + little sum at the banker's, with which she would not mind easing his + present difficulties; and the poor wretch is so utterly bewildered and + crestfallen that it is very likely he will become her victim. + </p> + <p> + The Topham Sawyers, when they go down into the country, will represent + Fitz as a ruined man and reckless prodigal; his uncle, the attorney, from + whom he has expectations, will most likely withdraw his business, and + adopt some other member of his family—Blanche Crowder for instance, + whose husband, the doctor, has had high words with poor Fitzroy already, + of course at the women's instigation. And all these accumulated miseries + fall upon the unfortunate wretch because he was good-natured, and his wife + would have a Little Dinner. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Little Dinner at Timmins's, by +William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LITTLE DINNER AT TIMMINS'S *** + +***** This file should be named 2859-h.htm or 2859-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/5/2859/ + +Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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