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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, October 28, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 23, 2009 [EBook #28392] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Neville Allen, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOL. 147.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2><span class="sc">October 28, 1914.</span></h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[Pg 349]</a></span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>Reports that Germany is not best pleased with Austria-Hungary are +peculiarly persistent just now. There would indeed seem to be good +grounds for Germany's displeasure, for a gentleman just returned from +Budapest says that the Hungarian <span class="sc">Minister of the Interior</span> has actually +issued an official circular to the mayors and prefects throughout the +land enjoining upon them the duty of treating citizens of hostile states +sojourning in their midst with humanity and sympathy.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Inquisitive people are asking, "What is the <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span> quarrel with the +Bavarians?" He is reported to have said, the other day, "My wish for the +English is that one day they will have to fight the Bavarians."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The King of <span class="sc">Bavaria</span>, by the way, has been operated upon for a swelling +of the shoulder blade. We are glad to hear that he is progressing +favourably, and it is hoped that the swelling will not, as in the case +of another distinguished patient, spread to the head.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>For the following little story we are indebted to the German +army:—"Fears are now entertained of an epidemic breaking out among the +German troops in Antwerp, as, the German artillery having destroyed the +municipal waterworks, there is no drinkable water available."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Several striking suggestions have reached the authorities in connection +with the danger from Zeppelins. One is that St. Paul's Cathedral and +Westminster Abbey should be covered over with dark cloths every night, +and that shoddy reproductions of these edifices should be run up in +another part of London, and be brilliantly illuminated so as to attract +the attention of the enemy.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Another method of confusing the airships, it is pointed out, would be to +drain the Thames, and to flood a great thoroughfare, say that from the +Bank to Shepherd's Bush, and to place barges on it so that it would be +mistaken for the river and cause the airmen to lose their bearings.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Meanwhile the authorities who are responsible for the safety of London +are said to be anxious to hear of an intrepid airman who will undertake +to paint out the moon.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There are, of course, always pessimists among us, but we would beg the +editor of <i>The Barmouth and County Advertiser</i> to try not to be +downhearted. Impressed, no doubt, by the recent sale of two German +warships to Turkey, he gives voice to the following opinion in a +leader:—"Our Fleet to-day is supreme; but no one knows when an auction +may take place...."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It has suddenly become more imperative than ever that the War should be +finished quickly. A publishing firm has issued the first volume of a +history of the war with an announcement that it will be completed in +four volumes at a fixed price. If the war should last longer than a year +the last volume threatens to achieve such a size that the publisher +would either have to go back on his word or be ruined.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The L.C.C. has just produced a new, revised, up-to-date and fully +detailed map of London, and the German War Office is furious to think +that it has been put to the needless expense of compiling a similar +document itself.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It has been pointed out that the War has had a most satisfactory effect +on criminality. And even in civil actions witnesses would seem to be +turning over a new leaf, and even insisting on giving evidence against +themselves. For example, we learn from <i>The Northwood Gazette</i> that a +van driver, charged the other day with damaging a motor-car, said in +cross-examination:—"I pulled up about fifteen years after the accident +happened."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>In spite of the War our Law Courts pursue the even tenour of their way, +and the Divisional Court has just been asked to decide the important +question, Is ice-cream meat? Personally we should say that, where it is +made from unfiltered water, the answer is in the affirmative.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>"DE WET OF THE SEA."</center> + +<p class="author"><i>Daily Mail.</i></p> + +<p>We should have thought this well-known characteristic was hardly worth +mentioning.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>"DISGUISED SPIES"</center> + +<p>was the title of a paragraph in a contemporary last week. These cases +must surely be exceptional. We always think of spies as wearing a +recognised uniform, or at least a label to indicate their profession.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>"CORK STEAMER SUNK BY MINE."</center> + +<p class="author">—<i>Evening News.</i></p> + +<p>This war is shattering many of our illusions.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote>Mr. <span class="sc">Fred Emney</span>, who is now appearing at the Coliseum, would like it to +be known that he is not an Alien Emney.</blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/349.png"> +<img src="images/349.png" width="100%" alt="It's all very well, Jarge" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><span class="sc">"It's all very well, Jarge, for you t' say why don't +Kitchener an' French do this an' that? but what I say is, it don't do +for you an' me t' say anythink what might embarrass either of 'em."</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The New Censorship.</h4> + +<blockquote><p>"The country in which so much interest centres may be briefly +described. From near —— to —— and onwards in a south-easterly +direction there is a low range of chalky hills, closely resembling +our South Downs. There is no harm in saying definitely that not a +German is on this line."</p></blockquote> +<p class="author"><i>Daily Telegraph.</i></p> +<p>No apparent harm, but you can't be too careful. If the news gets round +to the Germans that they are not there, they might at once set about to +correct this defect.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>The Tandem.</h4> + +<blockquote><p>"Mr. F. Marsham-Townshend's Polygamist, 3, 6-2, E. Crickmere 0</p> + +<p>Mr. F. Marsham-Townshend's Polygamist, 3, 6-2, O. Grant 0"</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Irish Times.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Racing, you will be glad to be reminded, still goes on, but of course +only for the sake of creating employment. By putting two jockeys upon +the same horse the desired end is attained more easily.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[Pg 350]</a></span> + +<h2>CANUTE AND THE KAISER.</h2> + +<center>[<i>Thoughts extracted from a sea-shell (howitzer pattern) by Our Own +Special Conchologist on the Belgian Coast.</i>]</center> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">There was a King by name <span class="sc">Canute</span></p> +<p class="i2">(In ancient jargon known as <span class="sc">Knut</span>),</p> +<p class="i0">And I, for one, will not dispute</p> +<p class="i2">The kingly figure which he cut;</p> +<p class="i0">A god in mufti—so his courtiers said—</p> +<p class="i2">Whatever thing he chose to have a try at,</p> +<p class="i0">He did it (loosely speaking) on his head,</p> +<p class="i6">By just remarking, "<i>Fiat!</i>"</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">One day they sat him by the sea</p> +<p class="i2">To put his virtue to the test,</p> +<p class="i0">And there, without conviction, he</p> +<p class="i2">Threw off the following, by request:—</p> +<p class="i0">"Ocean," he said, "I see your waves are wet"</p> +<p class="i2">(Bravely he spoke, but in his heart he funked 'em),</p> +<p class="i0">"So to your further progress here I set</p> +<p class="i6">A period, or <i>punctum</i>."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">He knew it wasn't any good</p> +<p class="i2">Talking like that; and when the foam</p> +<p class="i0">Made for his feet (he knew it would)</p> +<p class="i2">He turned at once and made for home;</p> +<p class="i0">And "I'm no god, but just a man," he cried,</p> +<p class="i2">"And you, my sycophants, are sorry rotters,</p> +<p class="i0">Who told your <span class="sc">Knut</span> that he could dare the tide</p> +<p class="i6">To damp his heavenly trotters."</p> +</div></div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The scene was changed. Another strand;</p> +<p class="i2">Another god (alleged) was there</p> +<p class="i0">(In spirit, you must understand;</p> +<p class="i2">His actual frame occurred elsewhere);—</p> +<p class="i0">"O element designed for German ships,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose future lies," said he, "upon the water,</p> +<p class="i0">I strike at England! Ho!" and licked his lips</p> +<p class="i6">For lust of loot and slaughter.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Then by the sea was answer made,</p> +<p class="i2">And down the wind this word was blown:</p> +<p class="i0">"Thus far! but here your steps are stayed;</p> +<p class="i2">England is mine; I guard my own!"</p> +<p class="i0">And as upon his ear this challenge fell,</p> +<p class="i2">Out of the deep there also fell upon it, or</p> +<p class="i0">Close in the neighbourhood, a singing shell</p> +<p class="i6">From H.M. <i>Mersey</i>, Monitor.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And just as old <span class="sc">Canute</span> (or <span class="sc">Knut</span>)</p> +<p class="i2">Stopped not to parley when he found</p> +<p class="i0">His line of exit nearly cut,</p> +<p class="i2">But moved his feet to drier ground,</p> +<p class="i0">So too that other Monarch, much concerned</p> +<p class="i2">About his safety, looked no longer foam-ward,</p> +<p class="i0">But said, "This sea's too much for me," and turned</p> +<p class="i6">Strategically home-ward.</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>WAR AND THE HIGH HAND.</h2> + +<center><i>Scene</i>: <span class="sc">A Mothers' Meeting</span>.</center> + +<p>"They do say as this old Keyser or Geyser or whatever 'e calls 'isself +be goin' to 'op it."</p> + +<p>"Afraid of 'is life, if t'other side should win—that it?"</p> + +<p>"Likely 'e is—an' well may be. T'other side be our side in that case, +bain't it?"</p> + +<p>"That's it. An' it's 'im for 'isself an' the rest for theirselves, from +what I can see."</p> + +<p>"This old Keyser, 'e's to blame for most ev'rythin' happenin' nowadays. +Reg'lar firebran' in our midst, 'e do seem."</p> + +<p>"Daresay 'e was drove to it, if we could but see all."</p> + +<p>"Some woman nagged 'im into it—if you ask me."</p> + +<p>"They do say 'e craves for peace with 'is whole mind."</p> + +<p>"Parson 'e says on Sunday as the hypocrit' cries for peace where there +is no peace."</p> + +<p>"This war seems to take people out of their true selves, makin' of 'em +ravenin' beasts."</p> + +<p>"Men, too, as otherwise acts quiet an' well-meanin' enough. You 'eard +what Doctor done?"</p> + +<p>"What 'e done?"</p> + +<p>"Not to old Sally's son, Jim?"</p> + +<p>"'Im as 'urted 'is 'and blackberry time—a year ago this very month?"</p> + +<p>"'Im. Ill unto death, 'e were, with blood poisonin', and Doctor 'e says +what a shockin' state 'is blood must 'ave been in for the poison to +serve 'im so."</p> + +<p>"An' old Sally been a-keepin' of 'im ever since. 'Er needle been at it +reg'lar, but 'ardly earnin' a livin' wage owin' to the meanness of them +who 'as it to pay."</p> + +<p>"An' a poisoned and, when the worst be over, ain't no bar to the +appetite."</p> + +<p>"Glad she's been to do it sooner than lose 'im, as she lost 'is brother +with 'oopin'-cough."</p> + +<p>"That must be a matter of twenty-five year ago—before ever Jim was +born."</p> + +<p>"You ain't told us yet, dear, what Doctor done."</p> + +<p>"I'm comin' to that. Jim, 'e's not without 'is uses an' 'e's more time, +like, to read the paper than the other men. So 'e reads the news an' +tells it all over at 'Plough an' 'Orses' nights, an' they do say the way +'e urges of the men to 'list is somethin' wonderful."</p> + +<p>"Not thinkin' of goin' 'isself, of course?"</p> + +<p>"Ain't 'e 'ad a poisoned 'and? Still, this 'e did; to a lot of chaps as +'eld back 'e says—'If you goes to Doctor to be examined I'll go with +you,' 'e says—could a man do more? 'I tell you honest,' 'e says, 'that +with my poor 'and I'm a man marked down for stayin' at 'ome, worse luck. +What would I give,' 'e says, 'to go forth in the pride of 'ealth, same +as you? Still, I'll go to Doctor with the rest of you, if only to show +'ow these things should be done.'"</p> + +<p>"'Ow many went?"</p> + +<p>"Three in all, includin' of Jim. 'E led the way up to Doctor's surgery, +then 'e waved the others in front of 'im. 'Take the sound men first, +Sir,' 'e says, 'an' then, if you'll spare me a minute, I'll take it +kind.'"</p> + +<p>"What did Doctor do?"</p> + +<p>"Doctor 'e does as Jim says and takes 'im last, after tellin' the other +two as they were better at 'ome. 'I been waitin' for you,' 'e says, an' +'e turned on Jim that fierce as never was. 'A 'and as 'as been perfectly +well for the last six months to my certain knowledge ain't goin' to +prevent you fightin',' he says, 'so off you go an' 'list.'"</p> + +<p>"Poor old Sally! No one to work for now but just 'erself, then?"</p> + +<p>"War be an awful thing, it seems, for raisin' the wicked passions in +peaceful men. Keyser, Geyser—whatever 'e calls 'isself—and our old +Doctor ... it be all the same."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Extract from Fortress Orders at Malta:—</h4> + +<blockquote><p>"A box containing butchers' implements, and marked with a red cross. +Finder should communicate with the D.D.M.S., 28, Strada Britannica, +Valletta."</p></blockquote> + +<p>If we did not happen to know through our Secret Intelligence Bureau that +D.D.M.S. stands for Deputy Director of Medical Services we should +suspect that the Germans had been once more using the sign of the Red +Cross as a screen for their barbarities.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[Pg 351]</a></span> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/351.png"> +<img src="images/351.png" width="100%" alt="THE LIMIT" /></a> +<h4>THE LIMIT.</h4> +<p><i>Scene</i>: <span class="sc">The Coast of Belgium.</span></p> +<p><span class="sc">The Kaiser</span>: "'WHAT ARE THE WILD WAVES SAYING?'"</p> +<p><span class="sc">Wild Waves</span>: "WE WERE JUST SAYING, 'THUS FAR, AND NO FARTHER!'"</p> +</div> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[Pg 352]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[Pg 353]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/353.png"> +<img src="images/353.png" width="100%" alt="UNDER ONE FLAG." /></a> +<h4>UNDER ONE FLAG.</h4> +<p><i>Genial Person</i> (<i>to retired Colonel, who for the past two months has +put in fourteen hours a day recruiting</i>). <span class="sc">"Lovely morning, Sir. I see +you're on our side."</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<center>VI.</center> + +<p>Dear Charles,—We're tired of this place, so we're going to move on. +Some said, "Let's go to Egypt and doze in the sun." Others were for +India, and one, having a flame in Guernsey, proposed that the Division +might just as well go to the Channel Islands as anywhere else. But what +tempted the majority was the thought of a season's shooting without +having to pay for so much as a gun licence, and so we decided for the +Continent. We gave formal notice to the War Office of our requirements, +said we would let them know in due course what time we should want +trains, ships and motor omnibuses to start, and asked them to call for +our luggage at an hour we would name, indicating that in the case of +each man it would not be more than a couple of trunks or so, +half-a-dozen odds and ends of smaller bags, and a case of golf clubs. To +this the War Office replied that they were in receipt of our favour, +thanked us for our kind patronage, assured us of their immediate +attention to our esteemed commands on this and all occasions, and begged +(positively begged) to be allowed to remain our obedient servants. If +then you hear (as you probably will in a few days) of our departure, you +will appreciate the exact manner of it: a duly deliberated and quietly +dignified excursion, undertaken by us in our own way at our own time, +because we happen to feel so inclined and not because we happen to be so +ordered. (Speaking in the language of the registered alien, "Yes, I +don't think.")</p> + +<p>Meanwhile we watch with interest the effect of our new recruits upon the +battalion as a whole. You will remember that those recruits are from all +classes, and the presence of the so-called Non-manual is clearly marked +in the daily conversation overheard. Thus in the good old B company you +will hear: "'Ere, Bill, where's me pull-through?" "I ain't seen yer +ruddy pull-through." "You'm a liar; you've bin and took it." "Get off +with yer; I ain't. If yer want a ruddy pull-through, why don't yer pinch +Joe's ruddy pull-through? 'E's away on guard." In F Company as now +constituted it runs: "Angus, have you seen my pull-through anywhere?" +"No, Gerald, I have not." "You are sure you haven't taken it by +mistake?" "I assure you I have not; but, if you want a pull-through, I +am sure Clement would not mind your borrowing his temporarily."</p> + +<p>Among our last draft of recruits was a newly-joined officer who had been +at the military business before. What he liked about us was that we are +Territorials, immune from this new "platoon" system. "I like people," he +said, "who call half a company a half-company." He had tried the new +business, but couldn't manage it; he could give the "<i>On the left: Form +section</i>" all right, but when it came to platoons he would shout, +"<i>Form</i> ..." and then could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[Pg 354]</a></span> think of nothing better than pontoon or +pantaloon. His brother, it appeared, had joined a Territorial regiment +up North; being methodical he had read all the letters from the front +which have appeared in the Press, and set about equipping himself +accordingly. Even if he should lose all except what he stood up in he +meant to keep dry and warm; so he scrapped all his shirts, socks, vests +and whatnots, and substituted others of monstrous weight and thickness, +lined his tunic with fleece, his breeches with waterproof, his puttees +with fur, and his boots, it was said, with all three. Within twenty-four +hours of completing his fortifications he was sailing for India.</p> + +<p>We all contemplate that time when our valises shall be, unhappily, no +longer with us. The odd things we must still have are: towel, razor, +soap, shaving soap, shaving brush, toothbrush, extra boots, socks and +so-on's, mess-tin, knife, fork, spoon, revolver, ammunition, compass, +clasp-knife, field-service pocket-book, note-books, sketching-books, +lamp, flask, bandages, mug and house-wife. These might be accommodated +in the haversack or elsewhere, but that all available sites are already +occupied by what we, or better still our relatives, friends and +acquaintances, consider indispensable, such as pipes, tobacco, matches, +compressed victuals and drinks, maps, dictionaries, medicine-chests, +chocolate, purses, cheque-books, letter-pads, fountain-pens, +fountain-pen fillers, chronometers, electric-torches, charges for same, +unpaid bills, unanswered correspondence, sponges, ointments, mittens, +bed-socks, camera, boot-brushes, dubbin and spare parts. Obviously one +will eliminate (as you were about to write and suggest) the bills and +the correspondence, but those, Charles, are the only things that don't +occupy room. What else can one eliminate? The only thing is to reform +one's life and learn to be a pantechnicon; one may also, with a little +ingenuity, use one's clothes to serve a double purpose. I have only got +as far as evolving a scheme for tying up all the outlets of my breeches +and then filling them with air, so that one leg makes a bolster and the +other a pillow—two articles which, you will observe, were omitted from +the inventory.</p> + +<p>By the way, our new officer was only gazetted on the very day he +travelled down with us. He started badly with a heavy reverse and +casualty list, for we played bridge on the way and he lost his first +day's pay, messing allowance and field allowance, all except twopence, +which goes (I believe) to income-tax. When we arrived at our billet we +found Pay in process. A private, who has a moment or so ago saluted and +withdrawn with his pay, seeks re-admission. "Colour-Sergeant!" he says. +"What is it?" "I think you have given me sixpence short." To which the +brutal Colours replies briefly, "'Op it." Later another private comes. +"Colour-Sergeant!" says he. "What is it now?" "I think you have given me +sixpence too much." "Come in, my lad, come in," replies the kindly +Colours.</p> + +<p>We were lectured in map-reading and so forth this morning, and were told +that, all else failing, we might get our bearings from observing the +direction in which the local church pointed. But an active brain +suggested that these Germans had no doubt thought of that years and +years before and, in order to deceive us, had built their churches with +the east windows pointing west. When, the other day, the R.A.M.C. man +inspected the feet of the battalion, the same intelligent unit wished to +know who had got the first prize and whether for quality or quantity.</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Henry</span>.</p> + + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/354.png"> +<img src="images/354.png" width="100%" alt="Mary Jane" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Mary Jane</i> (<i>at climax of fearful story of German spy</i>). +<span class="sc">"And when the police searched the cellars they found enough ambition to +blow up the whole of London."</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>"PROGRESL IN NORTHERN FRANCE."</h4> +<p class="author"><i>North Eastern Daily Gazette.</i></p> +<p>Przemysl, however, remains in Galicia.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>STUDIES IN DISCIPLESHIP.</h2> + +<center>(<i>In humble imitation of the exploits of the German Wireless Service.</i>)</center> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Ramsay MacDonald</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Keir Hardie</span> have joined Mr. <span class="sc">Blatchford</span> in a +recruiting campaign, with most gratifying results. In the course of one +of his speeches Mr. <span class="sc">Ramsay MacDonald</span> announced that the experience he +had gained while tiger-shooting in India had enabled him to organise an +elephant-gun battery, with which he was shortly about to proceed to the +front.</p> + +<p>It is reported that, at the instigation of the Chevalier <span class="sc">William le +Queux</span>, the Republic of San Marino has declared war on Germany, and +appointed the Chevalier as <i>generalissimo</i> of its forces, which are +estimated at 250 men.</p> + +<p>Great consternation has been caused in Vienna on receipt of the news +that, in view of <span class="sc">Beethoven's</span> full name being <span class="sc">van Beethoven</span>, and his +origin Dutch, he has been removed from the list of belligerent composers +and regarded as a neutral by concert-givers in London and Paris. A +counter-movement has in consequence been started with the object of +treating <span class="sc">Beethoven</span> as a hostile alien during the progress of the war.</p> + +<p>The transports of enthusiasm caused in Berlin by the announcement that +Mr. <span class="sc">G. B. Shaw</span> had decided to be known in future as Mr. <span class="sc">Bernhardi Shaw</span> +have given place to bitter disappointment on the peremptory denial of +the rumour by the famous comedian himself. As a matter of fact he is +hesitating between Benckendorff, Balakirev and Bomboudia.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"War F. N. Belgian Manager going home, sold new F. N. Motorbike +2½ H.P. kick starter at cost price."</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author"><i>Advt. in "Ceylon Independent."</i></p> + +<p>The starter will probably consider that it is not worth it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote>"A flag day on behalf of the Belgian refugees was held at Wimbledon +yesterday. A procession was formed in front of the Town Hall headed +by the High Sheriff of Paris, M. Leo Strachey."</blockquote> +<p class="author"><i>Sunday Chronicle.</i></p> + +<p>We welcome <span class="sc">M. Strachey</span> to England, and trust that he will be impressed +by such British institutions (<i>e.g. The Spectator</i>) as he may chance to +come across during his stay.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[Pg 355]</a></span> + +<h2>THE WHITE MAN'S BURDEN.</h2> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who ran to watch how Nancy fell</p> +<p class="i0">Beneath a storm of shot and shell,</p> +<p class="i0">And, when she didn't, felt unwell?</p> +<p class="i6"><span class="sc">The Kaiser.</span></p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who stimulates his gentle sons</p> +<p class="i0">To ape the manners of the Huns?</p> +<p class="i0">Who doesn't feed the Bear with buns?</p> +<p class="i6"><span class="sc">The Kaiser.</span></p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who circulates ingenious glosses</p> +<p class="i0">To minimize his army's losses,</p> +<p class="i0">And scatters showers of Iron Crosses?</p> +<p class="i6"><span class="sc">The Kaiser.</span></p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who suffers agonizing pains</p> +<p class="i0">When stern necessity constrains</p> +<p class="i0">The bashing-in of Gothic fanes?</p> +<p class="i6"><span class="sc">The Kaiser.</span></p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who has for several weeks of late</p> +<p class="i0">Omitted to communicate</p> +<p class="i0">With any foreign potentate?</p> +<p class="i6"><span class="sc">The Kaiser.</span></p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who in a cage of steel, we're told,</p> +<p class="i0">The tides of war about him rolled,</p> +<p class="i0">Watches the scroll of Fate unfold?</p> +<p class="i6"><span class="sc">The Kaiser.</span></p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/355.png"> +<img src="images/355.png" width="100%" alt="The Recruit here portrayed" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>The Recruit here portrayed, being most anxious to get +into <span class="sc">Kitchener's</span> Army, is determined to accommodate himself to any +conditions as they arise.</i></p> +<p><i>Officer</i> (<i>filling in form</i>). <span class="sc">"What's your religion?"</span></p> +<p><i>Zealous Recruit.</i> <span class="sc">"Well, what are you short of?"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>FALSE PRETENCES.</h2> + +<p>Since the War began the military experts have monopolised one corner of +the smoke-room. Don't imagine I am going to write about them. It is in +the other corner of the smoke-room that the Cheering-Up Association +meets. There we all come and relate our business troubles and listen to +the troubles of our friends. It is wonderful how consoling other +people's troubles are. Robinson brightens perceptibly when he discovers +that Jenkins is also heading for the Bankruptcy Court.</p> + +<p>Of course the talk began with Mitchell's play. It always does. We have +followed with tempered interest its pilgrimage from one manager to +another these two years.</p> + +<p>"All U P," groaned Mitchell. "Algernon Princeton had promised faithfully +to produce it in October. Now he's closed his theatre. He's a pretty +patriot. If it had run—let us put it moderately—two hundred nights I +should have made £4,000 clear. American rights would have been worth +quite as much. Touring companies in the provinces, Colonial rights, +translation rights—why, I should have made ten thousand—no, in +business matters one must be accurate—say, twenty thousand. It's all +that <span class="sc">William</span>! If I wasn't over age and hadn't tobacco heart, I'd go and +have a pop at him myself."</p> + +<p>"That's just speculative loss," said Nairn. "Now I've lost an actual +income. You men know I'm by way of being a financial authority. Well, +who wants financial advice nowadays? I give you my word of honour I've +sold nothing since the war began except half-a-dozen articles on the +weakness of Germany's financial position. If it is anything like my +financial position the war won't last long. I envy Wilson over there. +He's got something to sell that's wanted. Nothing like the wholesale +woollen business nowadays."</p> + +<p>Wilson shook his head. "You don't know all," he said. "I don't mind +telling you fellows in confidence that I owe over four thousand pounds, +and I don't know when I shall be in a position to pay it."</p> + +<p>Everyone looked sympathetic, and when Wilson had risen from his seat and +walked towards the door there was a general murmur of "Poor fellow, it's +hit him very hard."</p> + +<p>Wilson paused at the door and looked back. "Did I mention," he said, +"that I owe that sum to German manufacturers?"</p> + +<p>It was unanimously voted by the Cheering-Up Association that no club +rule was violated when Mitchell hurled a match-stand at the member whom +we had been cheering up on false pretences.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[Pg 356]</a></span> + +<h2>THE LAST LINE.</h2> + +<center>III.</center> + +<p>As our wives remark to each other nowadays over the knitted helmets, +"It's extraordinary how dark London is at night." They then drop two and +purl two, and add, "Particularly as the evenings are drawing in so." But +while they prattle of it thus lightly we (their husbands) are outside in +it all, marching ... and wheeling ... and tripping over each other. At +what risk to ourselves I will show you.</p> + +<p>It was Thursday the 22nd, and at six o'clock our Company might have been +seen (had there been a better light to see it by) progressing smartly in +column of platoons. The shades of night were falling fast as over +Regent's Park we passed, and my platoon was marching last, excelsior. As +my platoon came opposite our Commanding Officer he gave the order, +"About turn." We did so. "Form fours, left"—we made it that. The night +fell thicker; I can now speak only for myself and my immediate +neighbours. "Right incline"—we inclined rightly. Another "Right +incline" and a "Halt," and then the C.O. came up to look for us. My +platoon had got together somehow, and murmurs came to us from the +platoons behind us. You know how quickly a rumour will run through a +company. Such a rumour now ran through ours. It went from man to man; it +came to me at last; it went on ... it got to our Commander.</p> + +<p><i>"No. 1 platoon missing!"</i></p> + +<p>The C.O. came up to us, struck a match and counted us. Only three +platoons—we were a platoon short.</p> + +<p>The rumour was true!</p> + +<p>We never saw that platoon again. Its story, as we piece it together from +the tales of park-keepers, policemen and other non-combatants, is as +follows. It failed to hear the order "About-turn" and marched straight +forward. In the Regular Army a combination of obedience with initiative +is taught the recruit; we are still at the implicit obedience stage. No. +1 platoon had its orders. It came to some railings three hundred yards +further on and climbed over. At the Ornamental Lake it took to the +water. The survivors continued the march south. They were seen for a +moment at the Marble Arch, and then again at Epsom. Nothing more is +known definitely; but a specimen of the Corps badge has been found on +the beach at New Shoreham, and it is supposed.... Well, well—we shall +miss them.</p> + +<p>These, then, are some of the dangers which we who drill in the evenings +face cheerfully. But there are other spirits, less brave but more +energetic, who drill in the early mornings. I have been told the hour at +which they fall in, and I tried at once to forget it. I am in bed then. +But there is, I know, one hero who comes up thirty miles from the +country to attend. In order to be there punctually he has to get up +three days beforehand each morning, and have his breakfast over-night; +but he does it.... And I think the Germans ought to know.</p> + +<p>However, he and all of us had our reward last Saturday, when we marched +down to camp five hundred strong. It was not so much the remarks of the +spectators (many of whom foolishly mistook us for Belgian refugees) +which flattered us, as the respectful way in which the police held up +the traffic to let us pass. Five hundred men take some time passing; to +delay for that time the taxi of some impatient War Office official, +bulging with critical despatches, gave one an importance never to be +acquired in civil life. For a mere editor not even a tricycle would be +held up.</p> + +<p>As I have said, our exact status in the military world was +misapprehended by the spectator. It so happened that our more elderly +members were on the left or pavement side, and it was from the pavement +side that I heard the remark (evidently from one who felt that his +relief-fund subscription had not really been wanted), "Well, they don't +<i>look</i> 'ungry." Others on this side surmised that we were suspected +waiters rounded up from the different restaurants, and made humorous +complaints to us in our late capacities—as that their ice-pudding had +been fried too long. But on the road side we did better. Dear ladies, +observing only the flower of the Corps (myself and others), took us for +the real thing and called down blessings and kisses upon our heads; and +for a time we even deceived a small boy who had been watching us +eagerly. But only for a time. "Lumme," he said aloud to himself, +"there's <i>anuvver</i> of 'em wiv knock-knees," and disillusionment cannot +have been long delayed.</p> + +<p>It may be admitted that some of the more active ones feel it a little +that they have to carry the more elderly ones with them. A suggestion +has been made that there should be an age-limit of eighty-five, but I +don't know if it will come to anything. Another suggestion is that a +special Veterans' Wing should be formed, which, instead of marching, +would go out at the week-ends with a couple of cement-hounds, and look +for cement foundations. It is felt that the work would be useful and yet +not too active. It is in the same spirit that we discuss what will be +done with the Corps as a whole when the Germans arrive. The pessimistic +view is that we shall be immediately interned by the War Office, to keep +us out of trouble. Others, more hopeful, think that we might be kept for +"exchanges," in case the enemy make any notable captures. For instance, +five of us might be considered the equivalent of an artillery mule; a +platoon would balance a Territorial subaltern; and the whole bunch could +be offered for (say) the return of the Albert Memorial. But the most +popular impression is that we shall be asked to give some sort of +display in the centre, <i>in order to lure the Germans on</i>. And while we +are forming fours strongly and persistently in front of them ... the +real attack (Regulars and Territorials—with rifles) ... will fall +suddenly upon their flanks ... and decimate them.</p> + +<p>So we talk, but at heart we take it seriously; and very seriously and +gratefully we take the real soldiers who give up their time to teach us, +and do not seem to think that that time will be altogether wasted.</p> + +<p class="author">A. A. M.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MISTAKEN POLICY.</h2> + +<center>"Thorny Bank."</center> + +<p>Dear Sir,—I am directed to give you notice that the Vesuvius Fire +Insurance Co., Ltd. has lately acquired the freehold of these premises +and desires to have the insurance against loss or damage by fire +transferred to itself. The premium, at the rate of one shilling and +sixpence per cent on their value, is fifteen shillings. Upon receipt of +this sum I will give immediate instructions for a policy to be issued +and forwarded to you.</p> +<p class="regards">I am, dear Sir, yours faithfully,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">D. Smith</span>, Secy.,</p> +<p class="regards">The Vesuvius Fire Insurance Co., Ltd</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">H. Jones</span>, Esq.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>"Thorny Bank."</center> + +<p>Dear Sir,—In reply to your letter of yesterday, I find that I have an +unexpired policy for £1,000 with the Etna, an office which has enjoyed +my confidence for many years and in which I have other insurances. Under +this policy I am held covered till Lady Day not only against fire, but +also against lightning, explosions of gas—most things, in fact, except +riots, earthquakes, the King's enemies, aeroplanes and volcanoes. +Regretting, therefore, that I am unable to give you the business, +because of the more extensive benefits conferred by the Etna.</p> + + +<p class="regards">I am, yours faithfully,</p> +<p class="author">The Secy., <span class="sc">Hy. Jones</span>. </p> +<p class="author">The Vesuvius Insce. Co.</p> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[Pg 357]</a></span> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>"Thorny Bank."</center> + +<p>Dear Sir,—I am in receipt of your letter, but I would beg to refer you +to your lease. You will find it there expressly stipulated that you +shall insure in some office of repute in London or Westminster <i>to be +approved of in writing by the Lessors</i>. In these circumstances you will +no doubt be persuaded of the desirability of sending me the premium +forthwith, in order to effect an insurance which has your Lessors' +approval. It is possible that the office you name would give you credit +for so much of the premium as is proportionate to the risk unexpired.</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours faithfully, </p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">D. Smith</span>, etc., etc.</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">H. Jones</span>, Esq.</p> + + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>"Thorny Bank."</center> + +<p>Dear Sir,—I feel very keenly the suggestion that the Etna is an office +of questionable repute. The likelihood of fire is small, as +unfortunately the premises are at present standing empty, though I have +a tenant in prospect. But in any case it is unthinkable that the Etna +could not assemble a thousand pounds, should the need arise. If you care +to write to me again shortly before Lady Day with terms no less +advantageous than those I now enjoy, I do not say that I should not be +prepared to consider them. But in the meantime this unprofitable +discussion must cease.</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours faithfully,</p> +<p class="author">The Secy., <span class="sc">Hy. Jones.</span></p> +<p class="author">The Vesuvius Insce. Co.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>"Thorny Bank."</center> + +<p>Dear Sir,—I am directed to inform you that, unless the premium for +effecting a fresh insurance in this office is forwarded within a week, +proceedings will be taken to enforce the forfeiture of your lease +without any further notice whatever.</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours faithfully,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">D. Smith</span>, etc., etc.</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">H. Jones</span>, Esq. </p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>"Thorny Bank."</center> + +<p>Dear Sir,—Being desirous of effecting an insurance of these premises +against fire, I should be obliged if you would kindly give instructions +for a policy to be issued at once. I enclose postal order for fifteen +shillings. The policy when issued should be forwarded to me.</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours faithfully,</p> +<p class="author">The Secy., <span class="sc">Hy. Jones.</span></p> +<p class="author">The Vesuvius Insce. Co.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>Policy No. 3,262,854.</center> + +<p>Dear Sir,—I regret that owing to my absence in Scotland the safe +receipt of this policy was not sooner acknowledged. But I still more +regret to have to inform you that the insured premises were totally +destroyed by fire at a late hour last night, the cause of ignition being +ascribed to the caretaker's habit of smoking in bed. Whilst sympathising +with you in your loss, I find, on reference to my lease, that I am under +covenant to reinstate them as speedily as possible. As I particularly +wish to avoid any unpleasantness with my Lessors, may I ask you to +proceed with the work at once?</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours faithfully,</p> +<p class="author">The Secy., <span class="sc">Hy. Jones.</span></p> +<p class="author">The Vesuvius Insce. Co.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>Policy No. 3,262,854.</center> + +<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,—I am in receipt of your letter of yesterday, which has been handed +to the Claims Department. I recollect that in a former letter you +adverted to an existing policy with the Etna Office, and as that office +will be liable to contribute a share of the moneys covered by the double +insurance you are required to furnish particulars of the policy.</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours truly,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">D. Smith</span>, etc., etc.</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">H. Jones</span>, Esq. </p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>Policy No. 3,262,854.</center> + +<p>Dear Sir,—I enclose, as requested, particulars of my policy with the +Etna. For my own part, I do not quite see how it will help you, since, +profiting by your advice, I succeeded in obtaining a part rebate of +premium—thus, I apprehend, releasing the risk. But no doubt you know +best.</p> + + +<p class="regards">Yours very truly,</p> +<p class="author">The Secy., <span class="sc">Hy. Jones.</span> </p> +<p class="author">The Vesuvius Insce. Co. </p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/357.png"> +<img src="images/357.png" width="100%" alt="Patriotic Teacher." /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Patriotic Teacher.</i> <span class="sc">"'England expects—— 'Now, will +one of you boys finish the sentence? 'England expects——'"</span></p> +<p><i>Bright Pupil.</i> "<span class="sc">To win!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>"91 <span class="sc">To Sing Solo</span>."</h4> + +<p class="author"><i>Asbury Park Evening Express.</i></p> + +<p>Too many.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[Pg 358]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/358.png"> +<img src="images/358.png" width="100%" alt="That's a nice pair of Oolan boots" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>First Trooper.</i> <span class="sc">"That's a nice pair of Oolan boots you +got there, Bill."</span></p> +<p><i>Second Trooper.</i> <span class="sc">"Yes; not bad. Had to knock out six of the blighters +afore I got a pair to fit me!"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IN DARKEST GERMANY.</h2> + +<center>(<i>Being a humble appeal to English Divines, suggested by the attitude of +Teuton Professors to the Belgian atrocities.</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Hear me, most noble missionaries who,</p> +<p class="i2">Toiling on Africa's half-tutored shore,</p> +<p class="i0">Had words quite recently at Kikuyu</p> +<p class="i2">Whereof the motley bard may say no more.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I would not dare to judge of warring creeds;</p> +<p class="i2">It may be that the dark-skinned Hottentot</p> +<p class="i0">Has skill to balance up his spirit's needs</p> +<p class="i2">And know that this is truth and that is not.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">But there are sloughs of ignorance so deep</p> +<p class="i2">That sect and rubric seem to fade away,</p> +<p class="i0">Souls unaroused as yet from barbarous sleep</p> +<p class="i2">That have not glimpsed the prospect of the day.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">These have no art to tell the wrong from right</p> +<p class="i2">Who tot up two and two to sums unknown;</p> +<p class="i0">Uganda, relatively erudite,</p> +<p class="i2">Has wants unfelt by Frankfurt and Cologne.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">So, when the flags are furled, the trumpets mute,</p> +<p class="i2">And soft-voiced messengers replace the guns,</p> +<p class="i0">Let it be yours to stifle old dispute</p> +<p class="i2">And found a first-aid mission to the Huns;</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Teaching them not at first the subtler things</p> +<p class="i2">Of dogma, suited to a folk more wise,</p> +<p class="i0">Such gospel as ye bear to savage kings,</p> +<p class="i2">But "steal no longer" and "have done with lies."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Tell them that murder is esteemed "<i>tabu</i>",</p> +<p class="i2">That the Red Cross is now a sacred sign;</p> +<p class="i0">Tell them no more than that; it will be new;</p> +<p class="i2">They have no need of ritual on the Rhine.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Let presently a non-sectarian school,</p> +<p class="i2">Where knowledge shall be taught to Teuton men</p> +<p class="i0">That mumbo-jumbo is an out-worn rule,</p> +<p class="i2">Be built at Heidelberg or Göttingen.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">There shall the Vandal sages come and go,</p> +<p class="i2">And learn at last why Belgium felt chagrin,</p> +<p class="i0">And pace the Prussian goose-step very slow,</p> +<p class="i2">From class to class, with lots of halts between.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">They shall attain in time, but not as yet,</p> +<p class="i2">To starrier heights that now the negroes win;</p> +<p class="i0">Meanwhile your common goal is clearly set</p> +<p class="i2">To wake the untouched blindness of Berlin.</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> + +<blockquote><p>"Lieutenant Asquith's first thought is for the comfort and feeding +of his mary ..."—<i>Daily Record.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>From an ante-War advertisement:—</h4> + +<center>"<span class="sc">Holiday Courses in German, Kaiserslauten, Rhenish Palatinate.</span><br /><br /> + +Lectures under the auspices of the International Peace +Association.—Aug. 3 to Aug. 29."</center> + +<p>This course of pacific lectures has had to be postponed, but it is hoped +that it may be given by the end of next summer under the auspices of the +Allies in Berlin.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[Pg 359]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/359.png"> +<img src="images/359.png" width="100%" alt="A PLAIN DUTY." /></a> +<h4>A PLAIN DUTY.</h4> +<p><span class="sc">Britannia</span> (<i>to Holland</i>). "MY RESOURCES AND MY OBLIGATIONS ARE GREATER +THAN YOURS; LET THIS SERVICE FALL UPON ME."</p><br /> +<p>[The number of Belgian refugees in Holland is probably ten times as +great as the number in England.]</p> +</div> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[Pg 360]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[Pg 361]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/361.png"> +<img src="images/361.png" width="100%" alt="Well, William, heard anything of your son?" /></a> +<p><span class="sc">"Well, William, heard anything of your son?"<br /> +"No, Miss; but they'll send 'e to the front right away. 'E be just the +man they be wantin' there."<br /> +"I'm sure he is. But why do you think he will go straight to the front?"<br /> +"Why, you see, Miss, 'e'll be able to show 'em the way about. 'E was at +the Boer War, an' knows all them furrin' parts."</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE REAL REASON.</h2> + +<p>Mr. Arthur Grayson, recently returned from Bad Nauheim, brings an +interview with His Excellency Herr <span class="sc">von Bode</span>, which he obtained under +curious circumstances. It seems that the famous Director of the Kaiser +Friedrich Museum in Berlin, and for long the ultimate arbiter of taste +in Germany, wishing to send a message to the American people, wrote to +an American journalist, also, as it chanced, named Grayson, and also a +resident in the other Grayson's hotel, making an appointment. But the +American Grayson had then gone, and the English Grayson having opened +his letter by mistake, and being not unwilling to see Berlin for himself +during war-time, carried the missive to the capital, met the illustrious +virtuoso and received the confidences intended for the instruction of +New York and Washington, correcting their preposterous view of the +German origin of the war.</p> + +<p>We now give Mr. Grayson's words: "'To make you understand the situation +clearly,' said Herr <span class="sc">von Bode</span>, 'we must go back a little into history. +Some years ago I was offered by an English dealer a wax bust of Flora, +which I saw in a moment was by <span class="sc">Leonardo da Vinci</span>. No trained eye could +have mistaken it for anything else. I therefore bought it and made it +the very jewel of this superb collection. England, however, always +envious and acquisitive, in matters of connoisseurship dense, and now +mad with rage to think that I alone had sufficient culture to discern +the true and beautiful, at once set up the cry that the bust was the +work not of <span class="sc">Leonardo</span> in the fifteenth century, but of an Englishman +named <span class="sc">Lucas</span> in the nineteenth. They stopped at nothing in defence of +this claim. The English sculptor's son was even produced to remember his +father at work on it; while it was affirmed that a piece of his father's +waistcoat had been used as an internal support for the bust. The +campaign of calumny and mis-information, in short, was as thorough as if +<span class="sc">Wolff's</span> Bureau—I mean it was very thorough.'</p> + +<p>"'And what happened?' I asked.</p> + +<p>"'We had no doubt ourselves,' said my companion. 'Had Mr. <span class="sc">Tussaud</span> +himself sworn that he was the modeller only yesterday we should have had +no doubt, so indelibly, to the competent German eye, was the genius of +<span class="sc">Leonardo</span> stamped upon it. But we permitted the bust to be opened from +the back, and true enough a piece of modern cloth was found within. +That, however, as I say, could not affect the authenticity of the work, +for it might easily have been sent to <span class="sc">Lucas</span> for renovation, and it is +well known that a renovator often stuffs something inside the shell of +these busts to keep it from falling in while he is at work.'</p> + +<p>"'Still it was, perhaps, awkward for you?' I asked.</p> + +<p>"'In the contemptible English art circles some cry of triumph was +raised,' he replied, 'but no one in Germany was shaken. Moreover, they +knew—what I knew—that England raised these doubts merely to cover her +own original stupidity and ignorance. She was now convinced that it was +by <span class="sc">Leonardo</span>, because she knew I could not err, and her game was to +belittle the bust. How barbaric! how devilish!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[Pg 362]</a></span> but how characteristic! +And why did she belittle it?" he continued.</p> + +<p>"'Why, indeed, go to that trouble?' I said.</p> + +<p>"'Because'—his words were slow and impressive—'<i>because she wanted +it</i>! She wanted it, hungered for it, thirsted for it. She had let it go +and she could not forgive herself. How much she wanted it no one will +ever know!' He paused.</p> + +<p>"'What then did she do?' he resumed. 'Finding that her bitter attack on +the bust was useless, and served only to make us prize it the more, she +began to plot to steal it. I could not tell you the number of attempts +that have been made to get possession of this world-wonder. No one could +tell you. Day after day Englishmen, disguised even as German gentlemen, +thronged the museum, all asking the way to the bust. We were continually +on our guard. Attendants patrolled the room day and night. Our efforts +were successful.'</p> + +<p>"He paused again and looked at me in triumph.</p> + +<p>"'Yes,' he resumed, 'the bust remained where it was. England, in +despair, then decided that a supreme effort must be made, and began to +arm and mobilize. The art faction got hold of Sir <span class="sc">Edward Grey</span>—nobbled +him, as you say. It was upon learning of this treacherous preparation +and its dastardly motive, that our sublime <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> took the action he +did. I say it with conviction, there would have been no war but for +England's mad desire to possess again the <span class="sc">Leonardo</span> wax bust.'</p> + +<p>"'But what about the violation of Belgium?' I asked.</p> + +<p>"'Ah!' he said darkly. 'It was England's intention to march through +Belgium to Berlin to get the bust. Fortunately we knew that. We +therefore marched through Belgium first.'</p> + +<p>"With these words the famous virtuoso sat back in his chair.</p> + +<p>"'If you will consent to be blind-folded for a part of the journey—a +necessary precaution which I am sure you will appreciate,' he remarked a +moment or so later,—'I will show you the priceless masterpiece in its +hiding-place. Then you will understand. Also I should like the world to +know how Germany reveres and guards its choicest treasures."</p> + +<p>"Naturally I consented, and a bandage being bound over my eyes I took +the hand of my companion and was led away.</p> + +<p>"You may wonder that after everything that has been happening recently I +was willing thus to entrust myself to a German, but you must remember +that so far as he knew I was an American, a member of a country whose +goodwill has been angled for with every conceivable bait. It is not as +if I had been a cathedral or a French priest or a Belgian mother.</p> + +<p>"For how far I was led I cannot say, but we seemed to descend an +incredible distance into the earth and then pass along interminable +passages. At last my eyes were unbound and I discovered myself to be in +the midst of a company of soldiers armed to the teeth, obviously +underground, and I saw opposite me, in the light of an electric torch, a +massive iron gate, which the supreme expert proceeded to unlock.</p> + +<p>"We entered a gloomy cavern and again were confronted by a massive gate, +which in its turn was also unlocked, revealing an inner chamber in the +midst of which was a glass case.</p> + +<p>"My companion reverently uncovered. 'The triumph of my career,' he +murmured. 'The coping-stone of my virtuosity. The cause of my +ennoblement.'</p> + +<p>"Before us was the famous wax bust, fresh from the hands of <span class="sc">Luc</span>—I mean +<span class="sc">Leonardo</span>.</p> + +<p>"'And the early-Victorian waistcoat,' I said, 'which the clumsy fellow +who renovated this bust always stuffed into the Leonardos which he was +called upon to botch—you still have that?"</p> + +<p>"'Oh no,' replied the enthusiast hastily, 'we threw that away. Why keep +that? But you can understand," he continued, "why we have taken all the +precautions we have? Whatever else might be lost in any attack on +Berlin—should one be within the bounds of possibility—this must be +saved.'</p> + +<p>"'Not only must,' I replied, but will be saved. I feel certain that your +plans have been sufficient. England, whatever else she may take from +Berlin, will leave this bust with you.'</p> + +<p>"He wrung my hand. 'You hearten me,' he said. 'But now for the return +journey;' and again the bandage was applied."</p> + +<hr /> + + + + +<table summary="cartoon"> +<tr><td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 105%"> +<a href="images/362a.png"> +<img src="images/362a.png" width="100%" alt="I." /></a></div></td> + +<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 105%"> +<a href="images/362b.png"> +<img src="images/362b.png" width="100%" alt="II." /></a></div></td> + +<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 105%"> +<a href="images/362c.png"> +<img src="images/362c.png" width="100%" alt="III." /></a></div></td></tr> + +<tr><td align="center"> I.</td><td align="center">II.</td><td align="center">III.</td></tr> + +<tr><td></td><td></td><td align="center">"<span class="sc">Morning, mate. Bit breezy <br />for getting a light, <br />ain't it?</span>"</td></tr> +</table> + +<hr /><br /> + +<center>Among other items being produced at the Ambassadors' Theatre by an +Anglo-Franco-Belgian company is "My Lady's Undress." A contemporary +describes this as "a good take-off."</center><br /> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>"English submarine after a rude battle drowned the German Ship +Heine."</h4> + +<p>This is from <i>The Bahia Blanca Times</i> (the only foreign paper we take +in), and shows how the news gets about.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4><i>The Daily News</i> quotes the <i>Berlin Taegliche Rundschau</i> as follows:—</h4> + +<blockquote><p>"Germany and Holland ... are neighbours of ethnological affinity and +united by numerous commercial and intellectual bombs."</p></blockquote> +<p>Even the bombs in Germany are cultured.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[Pg 363]</a></span> + +<h2>THE ARREST.</h2> + +<p>"Excuse me, but can you tell me which is Hunter Street?" said the tall +pleasant-looking man with the slightly foreign aspect.</p> + +<p>"Hunter Street," I said, waving a vague hand, "lies over there. It is," +I continued, fixing him with a stern look, "for constabulary purposes a +chapel-of-ease to Bow Street."</p> + +<p>He did not seem in the least perturbed.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" he said, "a special constable, I suppose?"</p> + +<p>I was only going on duty—theoretically I am never off duty—but I am +missing no chances.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said, "I am. Do you mind telling me, quite between ourselves, +you know, whether you are a German spy?"</p> + +<p>He smiled slightly.</p> + +<p>"Because if you are," I said, "perhaps you wouldn't mind holding on a +minute. The strap of my truncheon has (tug) got fouled (tug) with my +(tug) braces."</p> + +<p>I got it out at last and stroked it lovingly. "I can't start before I'm +ready," I said. "Rather neat bit of wood—what? Chose it myself at Bow +Street. I take a 13½-ounce racquet, you know."</p> + +<p>"You seem," he said, "to have given up caring whether I am a German spy +or not."</p> + +<p>"Your mistake," I said; "I was merely gaining time to size you up +properly. Better take your pince-nez off. Broken glass is such a +nuisance, don't you think?"</p> + +<p>He ignored the friendly hint. "As a matter of fact," he said, "I <i>am</i> +partly German."</p> + +<p>"Show me the German part," I said, gripping the corrugations of my +truncheon more tightly. "I'm a little pressed for time."</p> + +<p>"And partly French," he went on.</p> + +<p>"That's rather awkward," I said.</p> + +<p>"And I was born in Russia."</p> + +<p>"Worse and worse," I said.</p> + +<p>"And spent practically the first twenty years of my life in Italy."</p> + +<p>"This," I said, "is the absolute boundary. Yours is a case for the New +Prize Courts."</p> + +<p>"But you haven't formally arrested me yet," he said.</p> + +<p>"True," I said, "I'm just coming to that part, but at the moment I've +forgotten the opening movements of the half-nelson."</p> + +<p>"My wife," he said musingly, "will be very annoyed. She's extremely +English, you know."</p> + +<p>"Look here," I said, "I really think I shall let you go, after all. So +little of you is the enemy, so much the friend, that I don't care to +take the responsibility of arresting you. But perhaps I ought to resign. +Come and have a sandwich, I've just time for one, and we can talk it +over."</p> + +<p>"Right," he said, "we may as well. By the way, it was my grandparents on +my mother's side who were French and German." Then, producing his +warrant card, he said, "I am a Special too. My name's Briggs."</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/363.png"> +<img src="images/363.png" width="100%" alt="TALES FROM THE TRENCHES." /></a> + +<h4>TALES FROM THE TRENCHES.</h4> + +<p><i>Some of our Soldiers, who were within seventy yards of the German +trenches, hoisted an improvised target. The Germans did the same. Both +sides signalled the result of the shooting.</i></p> +<p><i>First Tommy.</i> "<span class="sc">Get down! Do you want 'em to cop yer?</span>"</p> +<p><i>Second Tommy.</i> "<span class="sc">Blimy! The perishers signalled my bull a miss, and I'm +just agoin' to 'op over an' tell 'em abaht it.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<center>The following reaches us from General Headquarters abroad:—</center> + +<blockquote><p>"<span class="sc">Army Troop Order, No. 40.</span>—Information has been received that many +Field Service postcards are arriving at the G. P. O. without any +address on them. The instructions printed on the cards that nothing +is to be written on them does not apply to the address. O. C.'s are +requested to bring this fact to the notice of all ranks. <i>Oct. 12, +1914.</i>"</p></blockquote> + +<p>The discipline in the Army seems to be almost too good.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p>"The German Press is conducting a campaign to prove that Belgium was +deceived by the English, who, it is asserted, depicted the Germans +as sausages; hence the people were frightened when the German troops +approached."—<i>Yorkshire Evening Press.</i></p> + +<p>The Scotch, however, are even less polite, <i>The Aberdeen Evening +Express</i> announcing boldly—</p></blockquote> +<center>"GORILLA FIGHTING ON THE BELGIAN FRONTIER."</center> +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[Pg 364]</a></span> + +<h2>THE KHAKI MUFFLER.</h2> + +<p>The blinds were drawn, the lamps were lit and the fire was burning +brightly. I was reading an evening paper—we get the 5.30 edition at the +moment of publication, though we are thirty miles from London—and I had +just found Prezymyzle (my own pronunciation) on the map for the +thousandth time. Helen says that quite in the early days of the war she +was told it ought to be pronounced Perimeeshy, but that seems +impossible. Rosie declares for Prozmeel. Still she isn't very confident +about it. One thing seems certain: when the Russians take this +jaw-cracking town they will pronounce it quite differently from the +Austrian form, whatever that may be. Just think of what happened to +Lemberg. There appeared to be a kind of finality about that, but no +sooner were the Russians in it than it turned into Lwow. After that +anything might happen to Przemysl.</p> + +<p>However, there were the three of us sitting in the library. I was +helping the common cause with the evening paper and the map, and Helen +and Rosie were knitting away like mad at khaki mufflers for Lady <span class="sc">French</span>. +Click-click went the needles; the youthful fingers moved with incredible +deftness and celerity, and line after line was added by each executant +to her already enormous pile. There had been a long silence, and the +time for breaking it seemed to have come.</p> + +<p>"Well done, both of you," I said. "You really are getting on to-day. A +week ago I thought you'd never get finished, and now——" I waved my +hand encouragingly at the two heaps of wool-work.</p> + +<p>"There," said Helen, "you've made me drop one."</p> + +<p>"Pick it up again," I said with enthusiasm. "What were girls made for if +not to pick up dropped stitches? But tell me," I added, "what would +happen if you didn't pick it up?"</p> + +<p>"My soldier," said Helen gloomily, "would go into the trenches and, +instead of having a muffler, he would suddenly find himself coming +undone all over him. Do you think he would like that?"</p> + +<p>"No," I said, "he wouldn't. No soldier could possibly like a thing of +that sort when he's got to fight Germans."</p> + +<p>"I wonder," put in Rosie, "what <i>my</i> soldier will be like. I think I +should like him to have a moustache—yes, I'm sure I want him to have a +moustache."</p> + +<p>"He'll have a moustache all right," said Helen, who is practical rather +than dreamy. "And he'll have whiskers, too, and a beard as long as your +arm. Do you think people have time to shave when they're in trenches?"</p> + +<p>"Well, anyhow," said Rosie, "both our soldiers will be very brave men."</p> + +<p>"That," said Helen, "is quite certain. Let's put in some good hard +stitches to thank them for their bravery."</p> + +<p>There was a short silence while this operation was performed with great +zeal. The fingers flew through their complicated task and the web seemed +to grow visibly.</p> + +<p>"Haven't you both," I said, "done about enough? Talk about mufflers! In +my day a muffler was something a man wore round his neck; but your +mufflers would serve to clothe a whole platoon from head to heel with +something left over. Benevolence is all very well, but you shouldn't +overdo it. There isn't a soldier alive who wouldn't trip over your +mufflers. Think of him tripped up by a muffler and caught by a German."</p> + +<p>"Lady <span class="sc">French</span>," said Helen, "wrote in her letter to <i>The Times</i> that +every muffler was to be two yards and a half long and twelve inches +broad."</p> + +<p>"Well," I said, "you've got the breadth all right."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Helen, "we got that in the first line, and we've never let +go of it since. Anybody could get the breadth. <i>You</i> could do that if +you tried."</p> + +<p>"Graceless child," I said, "you don't seem to be aware that in my +earliest boyhood I once began to knit a sock."</p> + +<p>"But you didn't finish it," said Helen. "I know that story."</p> + +<p>"Fathers," said Rosie, "could knit very well if they tried, but they +won't try."</p> + +<p>"Come," I said, "I won't compete with you in knitting, but I'm game to +bet you've done seven feet six inches in length already."</p> + +<p>"All right," said Helen, "we'll bet a penny. Only remember, mine was +only six feet yesterday and Rosie's was four inches shorter."</p> + +<p>I spread the fabrics on the floor and set to work with a tape measure. +The first result was, Helen five feet eleven inches; Rosie five feet six +inches.</p> + +<p>"This," I said, "is maddening. You are imitating Penelope."</p> + +<p>"I don't know about Penelope," said Helen, "but you haven't straightened +them out enough."</p> + +<p>I smoothed them out carefully and measured again. This time the result +was, Helen six feet two inches; Rosie five feet ten inches.</p> + +<p>"Capital!" I said; "I will do some more smoothing."</p> + +<p>"No," said Helen, "that won't be fair to Lady <span class="sc">French</span> or our soldiers. We +must give them an inch or so over, if anything;" and they picked up the +unfinished mufflers and set to work at them with renewed energy.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>This was four days ago. Now both the mufflers are gloriously finished +and ready to be despatched. When our two soldiers wear them we hope they +will feel that there is a little magic in them as well as a great deal +of warmth. There is love knitted into them and admiration and gratitude, +and there are quiet thoughts of beautiful English country-sides and +happy homes which our soldiers are helping to guard for us, though they +are far away.</p> + +<p class="author">R. C. L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE LOST SEASON.</h2> + +<center>(<i>A Point of View.</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Farewell to the stretches of pasture and plough</p> +<p class="i2">And the flicker of sterns through the gorse on the hill,</p> +<p class="i0">And the mulberry coats there, alone with them now,</p> +<p class="i2">To cheer as they're finding and whoop at the kill;</p> +<p class="i0">Farewell to the vale and the woodland forlorn,</p> +<p class="i2">To the fox in his earth and the hound on his bench;</p> +<p class="i0">Unheard is the pack and unheeded the horn,</p> +<p class="i2">So loud and so near are the bugles of <span class="sc">French</span>.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The lines of blood hunters are gone from the stalls</p> +<p class="i2">And a host of good men to the millions that meet,</p> +<p class="i0">For grim is the Huntsman, in thunder he calls,</p> +<p class="i2">And continents roar with the galloping feet;</p> +<p class="i0">There's a country to cross where the fences are steel,</p> +<p class="i2">And, though many must fall and the finish is far,</p> +<p class="i0">There is none shall outride them, with heart, hand and heel,</p> +<p class="i2">Who have gone hard and straight in "The Image of War."</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The German "Dove."</h4> + +<center>(<i>Suggested by recent exploits of the "Taube" Aeroplane.</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">In ancient and in happier days the Dove</p> +<p class="i0">Stood as an emblem sure of peace and love;</p> +<p class="i0">Now must we link it with the fiend who flies</p> +<p class="i0">Down-dropping death on children from the skies.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[Pg 365]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 90%"> +<a href="images/365.png"> +<img src="images/365.png" width="100%" alt="Sportsman." /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Sportsman.</i> "<span class="sc">Last two cartridges, Dan. What's to be done +now?</span>"</p> +<p><i>Dan'l.</i> "<span class="sc">Ye'll hev to take to the bainit, Colonel.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A NEW ART.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>[It is rumoured that Cinema playwrights, following the example of +certain well-known stage dramatists, are likely in future, in +addition to the film representations, to publish their works in +novel-form. The manuscript of one of the earliest of these +productions has just come into our hands.]</p></blockquote> + +<h3>LOVE AND DIPLOMACY.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter I.</span></h4> + +<p>The last rays of the setting sun, shining through the windows of the +Foreign Office, fell upon Clement Carmichael, the brilliant young +Foreign Secretary, as he sat at his desk studying despatches. A slight +noise caused him to raise his head sharply, and he observed a stranger +of alien appearance standing before him.</p> + +<p>Without a word the intruder produced a revolver and levelled it at +Carmichael. Caught like a rat in a trap, the latter, after a moment's +hesitation, handed over the despatches and leaned back with an +expression of bitter despair.</p> + +<p>"It is Raymond Blütherski!" he gasped when he was again alone. "I am +ruined!"</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter II.</span></h4> + +<p>There was not an instant to be lost. Dashing down the steps of the +Foreign Office, Carmichael leapt into the waiting motor and shouted +hoarsely to the driver. A moment later the car was disappearing rapidly +down the street.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter III.</span></h4> + +<p>Felix Capperton, the detective whose fame had penetrated two +hemispheres, was playing chess with his daughter Madge, a tall and +beautiful blonde. Suddenly the door opened and Carmichael entered +hastily. In a few tense words he explained the situation to the famous +sleuth, while Madge Capperton stood silent, pressing her hands to her +heart.</p> + +<p>The detective pointed meaningly at the chessboard, and Carmichael bent +over it with an expectant face.</p> + +<p>"It is checkmate!" he said.</p> + +<p>"We will checkmate Blütherski!" replied the other confidently.</p> + +<p>The eyes of the Foreign Secretary met those of the girl and a +sympathetic smile passed between them.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter IV.</span></h4> + +<p>In his private sanctum Capperton with skillful fingers fixed a moustache +and side whiskers to his lean and mobile face. His daughter handed him a +soft hat and a Gladstone bag, and he was transformed before her eyes +into a commercial traveller.</p> + + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter V.</span></h4> + +<p>Raymond Blütherski paced the deck of a Channel steamer, deeply absorbed +in the fateful despatches. Suddenly he turned smartly on his heels.</p> + +<p>He was face to face with Capperton, disguised as a commercial traveller.</p> + +<p>Accustomed to such emergencies his mind was made up in an instant. +Rolling the papers into a ball, he hurled them into the mouth of a large +ventilator which stood near.</p> + +<p>Unhesitatingly the detective threw himself into the ventilator and +disappeared head first. With a cry of baffled rage Blütherski followed.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter VI.</span></h4> + +<p>In the bows of the same steamer stood Madge Capperton and Clement +Carmichael, gazing anxiously before them. Her fingers tightened on his +arm. Their faces took on an expression of horror and despair.</p> + +<p>A huge liner was bearing directly down upon them!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[Pg 366]</a></span></p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter VII.</span></h4> + +<p>In the treacherous waters of the English Channel the brilliant young +Foreign Secretary supported Madge Capperton with one arm, while with the +other he swam strongly towards the only floating object in view.</p> + +<p>As they drew near he perceived that it was a large ship's ventilator. It +was sinking fast, and from its mouth protruded the heads of two men +engaged in a life-and-death struggle. They were Capperton and +Blütherski.</p> + +<p>With a cry of encouragement Carmichael redoubled his efforts.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter VIII.</span></h4> + +<p>A ship's lifeboat, propelled by strong and willing arms, travelled +swiftly across the sea. Presently a shout went up from the man in the +bow. Four figures were seen struggling frantically in the water, and the +rowers bent themselves with renewed energy to their oars.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter IX.</span></h4> + +<p>On board the liner which had been responsible both for the collision and +the rescue, Raymond Blütherski, a sinister figure, was seen to leave his +cabin and disappear down the corridor. An instant later Carmichael and +Capperton entered stealthily. With quick cat-like movements the +detective pushed open the door and tip-toed into the cabin.</p> + +<p>Carmichael waited outside in an attitude of intense watchfulness. As a +steward passed down the corridor he assumed a careless expression and +lit a cigarette with nonchalant elaboration.</p> + +<p>Directly the steward had gone the watcher resumed his vigil, every nerve +on the alert.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter X.</span></h4> + +<p>Inside the cabin the detective hurriedly opened drawers, turned over +bed-clothes, tapped partitions and felt in boots. Then with an +expression of disappointment he turned to the door.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter XI.</span></h4> + +<p>In the corridor the two men stood face to face.</p> + +<p>"Have you found them?" asked Carmichael hoarsely.</p> + +<p>"No. They have sunk in the sea!" replied the other.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter XII.</span></h4> + +<p>Across the smooth waters of the English Channel a motor-boat moved +swiftly. In the bows the Foreign Secretary and the detective gazed +earnestly forward.</p> + +<p>Presently the latter clutched Carmichael's arm with an oath. Another +boat had come into view, and they perceived that a diver in full costume +was climbing into it.</p> + +<p>The motor-boat came to a stop alongside the other. It could be seen that +the diver held in his hand a ball of paper.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter XIII.</span></h4> + +<p>The diver's headpiece was being unscrewed. On either side of him stood +Capperton and Carmichael, each with a loaded revolver.</p> + +<p>At length the cumbrous helmet was lifted off and the face of the diver +was revealed.</p> + +<p>It was Madge!</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter XIV.</span></h4> + +<p>The motor-boat drew up beside the quay and the Foreign Secretary stepped +out with the detective and his daughter. All were plainly in a joyous +mood, and they smiled happily at each other.</p> + +<p>So gratified were they at their success that they quite failed to +observe three men, who crept up stealthily behind them and thrust pads +soaked in chloroform over their mouths.</p> + +<p>In a few seconds the struggles of the victims ceased, and their inert +bodies were roughly thrust into a waiting motor.</p> + +<p>From the driver's seat Blütherski smiled sardonically.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter XV.</span></h4> + +<p>Madge Capperton lay in a cellar of Blütherski's house, tightly bound and +gagged. But her indomitable spirit was not yet cowed.</p> + +<p>Using the edge of a rough stone as a saw she was laboriously severing +the cord which tied her wrists. At length her persistence was rewarded +and the frayed ends of the rope fell apart.</p> + +<p>In fifteen seconds she stood up free.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter XVI.</span></h4> + +<p>In another cellar, similarly shackled, the resolute detective was +exerting all his mighty strength to burst his bonds.</p> + +<p>With a superhuman effort he broke the cord which held his arms, and in +fifteen seconds he also was free.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter XVII.</span></h4> + +<p>In a small room in the same house the detective's daughter methodically +pressed her hand against picture after picture hung on the walls. Her +face was grimly determined.</p> + +<p>At last she was successful. A large section of the wall slid back, +revealing a dark opening.</p> + +<p>After a few seconds' natural hesitation the brave girl stepped through +the aperture.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter XVIII.</span></h4> + +<p>Raymond Blütherski lay asleep. On his dressing-table rested the fatal +ball of paper.</p> + +<p>Suddenly a portion of the wall moved back and Madge Capperton appeared +in the opening. As noiselessly as possible she crept forward and +snatched up the despatches. In a few seconds she would be safe!</p> + +<p>At that instant Blütherski awoke, leapt out of his bed and grasped her +roughly by the arm. But he had reckoned without Capperton.</p> + +<p>The commanding figure of the detective appeared in the room. He levelled +a large revolver at Blütherski, and the latter threw up his hands with a +cry of baffled hate.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter XIX.</span></h4> + +<p>In a moonlit garden Clement Carmichael was waiting impatiently. +Presently Madge came to him with a radiant face and placed the lost +despatches in his hands. His reputation was saved!</p> + +<p>Seizing the girl in his arms he pressed his lips to hers in a long +passionate kiss.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">The End.</span></h4> + +<hr /> + +<h2>CASUS BELLI.</h2> + +<center>(<i>For a sensitive Scot.</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Tea-shop, how I loathe thee!</p> +<p class="i2">Our connection's o'er;</p> +<p class="i0">Henceforth I don't know thee</p> +<p class="i2">Any more.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">'Tisn't that I did not</p> +<p class="i2">On thy pastry dote;</p> +<p class="i0">'Tisn't that it slid not</p> +<p class="i2">Down my throat;</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">'Tisn't that thy crumpets</p> +<p class="i2">Fell a trifle flat—</p> +<p class="i0">If I've got the hump it's</p> +<p class="i2">Not from that.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">'Tisn't that the waitress</p> +<p class="i2">Tried to wink at me,</p> +<p class="i0">Or let fall a stray tress</p> +<p class="i2">In my tea;</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">'Tisn't that I tossed thee</p> +<p class="i2">Tenpence in the till</p> +<p class="i0">For a snack that cost thee</p> +<p class="i2">Almost <i>nil</i>....</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Nay, 'twas <i>this</i> unnerved me—</p> +<p class="i2">Just a scŏne alone,</p> +<p class="i0">Which the lass who served me</p> +<p class="i2">Called a scōne.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IN A GOOD CAUSE.</h2> + +<p>In connection with his chief Cartoon of this week, <i>Mr. Punch</i> begs to +invite his readers to help the kind people of Holland on whom the care +of so many Belgian refugees has fallen. Contributions will be gladly +received by the International Women's Relief Committee (Miss Chrystal +Macmillan, Treasurer), 7, Adam Street, Adelphi, W.C.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[Pg 367]</a></span> + +<table summary="cartoon"> +<tr><td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%"> +<a href="images/367a.png"> +<img src="images/367a.png" width="100%" alt="Scene: A Recruiting Station" /></a></div></td> + +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%"> +<a href="images/367b.png"> +<img src="images/367b.png" width="100%" alt="which suggestion sergeant O'Flanagan carries out" /></a></div></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><i>Scene: A Recruiting Station in Ireland.</i> <br /><span class="sc">In order not to +lose a stalwart recruit who <br />happens to be under the standard height<br /> +measurement the examining officer makes a <br />brilliant suggestion to +sergeant O'Flanagan—</span></td> +<td align="center"><span class="sc">—which suggestion sergeant O'Flanagan <br />carries out with a +highly satisfactory result.</span></td></tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</center> + +<p><i>Coasting Bohemia</i> is the attractive title of a series of essays upon +men and matters by Mr. <span class="sc">Comyns Carr</span>, issued in a portly volume published +by <span class="sc">Macmillan</span>. During the last forty years Mr. <span class="sc">Carr</span>, eminently a clubable +man, has made the acquaintance and enjoyed the friendship of a galaxy of +painters, authors and actors. He was equally at home with <span class="sc">Millais</span>, +<span class="sc">Alma-Tadema</span>, <span class="sc">Rossetti</span>, <span class="sc">Burne-Jones</span>, <span class="sc">Whistler</span>, <span class="sc">George Meredith</span>, <span class="sc">Henry +Irving</span> and <span class="sc">Arthur Sullivan</span>. A shrewd observer, quick in sympathy, apt in +characterisation, he has much that is interesting and informing to say +of each. Perhaps the chapter on <span class="sc">Whistler</span> is the most attractive, since +in some respects his individuality was the most pronounced. In a couple +of brief sentences, pleasing in the slyness of their gentle malice, Mr. +<span class="sc">Carr</span> hits off a striking quality in the character of the <span class="sc">Whistler</span> we +most of us knew. "At times," he writes, "Whistler was even greedy of +applause, and, provided it was full and emphatic enough, showed no +inclination to question its source or authority. There were moments +indeed when, if it appeared to lack volume or vehemence, he was ready +himself to supply what was deficient." Mr. <span class="sc">Carr</span> has in his time played +many parts. He made a start at the Bar, but did not get further than the +position of a Junior, which suited him admirably. As a critic, he cannot +plead in extenuation the dictum of <span class="sc">Disraeli</span> that critics are those who +have failed in Literature and Art. He has written several successful +plays, was English editor of <i>L'Art</i>, was among the founders of the New +Gallery, and remains established as one of our best after-dinner +speakers. Of such is the kingdom of Bohemia. From these various sources +he draws a stream of reminiscence that runs pleasantly through many +pages. The only drawback to the delight with which I read them arose +from the circumstance that the volume was uncut. Why should a harmless +reviewer be compelled to "coast Bohemia" armed with a paper-knife, +interrupted, when he comes to an exceptionally interesting point, by +necessity for cutting a chunk of pages? <i>R.S.V.P.</i>, Messrs. <span class="sc">Macmillan</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The ease with which the nuptial knot</p> +<p class="i2">In Yankee-land is severed—such is</p> +<p class="i0">The underlying theme of what</p> +<p class="i2"><i>The Letter of the Contract</i> touches;</p> +<p class="i0">So, but that <span class="sc">Basil King</span> has brain</p> +<p class="i2">And uses it when he is writing,</p> +<p class="i0">The book (from <span class="sc">Methuen</span>) might contain</p> +<p class="i2">Little that's novel or inviting.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Yet it's so good it's doomed to miss,</p> +<p class="i2">I rather fear, the approbation</p> +<p class="i0">Of folk who hope such books as this</p> +<p class="i2">May help the cause of reformation;</p> +<p class="i0">For, if divorce in U.S.A.</p> +<p class="i2">Inspires such work, it stands to reason</p> +<p class="i0">To change the law in any way</p> +<p class="i2">Amounts to literary treason.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>In contemplating the present season's output of fiction I have been +impressed by the number of novels that might apparently have been +written with an eye to the conditions that attended their publication. +Which, unless one credits our romancers with much further sight than is +commonly supposed to be their portion, is absurd. The thing is a +coincidence; and of this there is no more striking example than the +story that <span class="sc">Anne Douglas Sedgwick</span> has prepared for the world this autumn. +She calls it <i>The Encounter</i> (<span class="sc">Arnold</span>), and it is all about the struggle +between "the Nietzschean attitude of mind in Germany," as exemplified in +an egotistical, crack-brained genius named <i>Ludwig Wehlitz</i>, and the +ideals of civilized Christianity exemplified in several<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[Pg 368]</a></span> other more +agreeable persons. You will own that this is at least <i>á propos</i>. The +whole thing is, of course, quite charmingly told. All the characters are +thoroughly alive; most of all perhaps the placid, tolerant and entirely +practical mother of the heroine. <i>Persis Fennamy</i> had been introduced to +the genius as a suitable disciple and possible helpmate by the +<i>Signorina Zardo</i>, who worshipped him from afar. <i>Persis</i> met <i>Ludwig</i>, +was interested, impressed and even willing to admire. There were two +other men also, attendant upon the great one: <i>Conrad Sachs</i>, who was +gentle and deformed, and <i>Graf von Ludenstein</i>, who represented another +type of German manhood. He represented it so well, indeed, that, when +<i>Mrs. Fennamy</i> discovered that he had taken <i>Persis</i> off for an intimate +conversation in a wood, even her tolerant placidity was deranged. But it +was all right, and <i>Persis</i> escapes heart-whole from the lot of them, +clay superman and all. She is to be congratulated. So is the author, for +her book is both apt to the moment and interesting in itself.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There is, for all its gaiety, a certain external quality of pathos (now +that the German is to us so sinister a figure) in much of <i>The Pastor's +Wife</i> (<span class="sc">Smith, Elder</span>) with its types of an East Prussian village drawn in +with those deft, half kindly, half malicious touches to which the +creatrix of <i>Elizabeth</i> of the Garden has accustomed us. <i>Ingeborg</i> is +the daughter of an English bishop—a bishop, by the way, so needlessly +odious that even those who would cheerfully believe the worst of the +order must protest against this hitting below the gaiters—and she meets +her pastor in a railway carriage on a cheap trip to Lucerne. This +so-utterly-by-the-pursuit-of-knowledge-dominated <i>Herr Dremmel</i> (his +subject is scientific manure) has a lapse from the even paths of +research into the disturbing realms of love, and with an egotistic +single-mindedness which is beyond all praise overwhelms her into +marriage by the heroic process of ignoring all objections, refusals and +obstacles. And lo! in this manse of lonely Kökensee we have a problem! +<i>Elizabeth</i>, tongue in cheek, in the mask of <span class="sc">Ibsen</span>!... I couldn't get +myself to believe in the ineffable preoccupations of <i>Herr Dremmel</i> that +made so desolate a pastor's wife; nor could I see the later enchanting +<i>Ingeborg</i> in the little negligible mouse of the episcopal study (though +I liked them both); and, as I said, I entirely refused to accept the +bishop. But I heartily and thoroughly enjoyed the story, the happy +little strokes of humour and irony, the apt, pert thumbnail-sketches of +the subsidiary characters, the tender love of country things and moods; +and saw that I'd been an ass to take it all too seriously. It was +written to charm—and it's charming.</p> + +<p>Laughter in these dark days is so wholesome a corrective that we mustn't +be too exacting with Mr. <span class="sc">Phillips Oppenheim</span>, that fertile spinner of +yarns, when in <i>The Double Life of Mr. Alfred Burton</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>) he +presents us with the diverting idea of a mean, little, loud, untruthful +auctioneer's clerk converted by the eating of a mysterious brown bean +into a paragon of candid truth, refined taste and romantic desire. +There's an amusing scene when <i>Burton's</i> chief, a thoroughly resourceful +specimen of his tribe, cries down, under the same mysterious influence, +the pseudo-antiques he is selling, and so intrigues his old friends the +dealers that, with a curious <i>naïveté</i>, they make absurdly high bids in +the belief that the auctioneer is up to some profitable little game. +<i>Mr. Alfred Burton</i> himself becomes at a stroke a famous author just by +merely writing what he sees and seeing true. (But wouldn't his readers +also need a nibble at the bean?) Finally falling from grace as the +effect of this food of the gods wears off, he accepts a directorship of +the new mind-food company, "Menatogen," which brings him untold wealth. +Quite innocent fooling which yet leaves one with the impression that our +popular authors let themselves off rather lightly from the labour of +working out their themes.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/368.png"> +<img src="images/368.png" width="100%" alt="A GARGOYLE OF NÔTRE DAME DE PARIS." /></a> +<h4>A GARGOYLE OF NÔTRE DAME DE PARIS.</h4> +<center>(<i>With acknowledgments to the etching by M. Méryon.</i>)</center><br /><br /> +<span class="sc">Spirits of evil, when they're thrown<br /> + Out of a church, are turned to stone;<br /> +<br /> +But the above was petrified<br /> +Even before he got inside</span>. +</div> +<hr /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, October 28, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 28392-h.htm or 28392-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/3/9/28392/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Neville Allen, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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