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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Goat-Feathers, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Goat-Feathers
+
+Author: Ellis Parker Butler
+
+Release Date: March 22, 2009 [EBook #28389]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GOAT-FEATHERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by D Alexander and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+GOAT-FEATHERS
+
+
+
+BY
+
+_Ellis Parker Butler_
+
+
+
+BOSTON AND NEW YORK
+HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY
+_The Riverside Press Cambridge_
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY THE CROWELL PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER
+
+ALL RIGHTS RESERVED INCLUDING THE RIGHT TO REPRODUCE
+THIS BOOK OR PARTS THEREOF IN ANY FORM
+
+
+
+
+G_oat_-F_eathers_
+
+
+
+
+GOAT-FEATHERS
+
+
+No human being ever tells the whole truth about himself. We seem to
+be born liars in that particular, all of us, and I am no different.
+I'm starting out now to tell the bitter, agonizing truth about
+myself, but before I am through I shall probably be lying at the
+rate of a mile a minute and cracking myself up something awful! A
+man can tell only so much truth; then he begins to wabble.
+
+The truth is, I ought to be making as much money as Robert W.
+Chambers, and winning prizes of honor like Ernest Poole, and I'm
+not. I ought to be better known as a humorist than George Ade and
+Mark Twain rolled into one, and I'm not. The trouble with me is
+that I am always too ready and eager to break away and go gathering
+goat-feathers. If it had not been for that I might be a millionaire
+or the President of the United States or the leading American
+Author, bound in Red Russia leather. I might have been a Set of
+Books, like Sir Walter Scott or Dickens or Balzac, and when people
+passed my house the natives would say, "No, that isn't the city
+hall or the court-house; that's where Butler lives." Of course some
+strangers would say, "Butler, the grocer?" but that would be the
+ignorant few. The real people would whisper, "Butler, the Author!"
+in a sort of subdued awe and remove their hats. Some of them would
+pick a blade of grass from my lawn and take it home to hand down to
+their children's children as the most treasured family possession.
+As it is, I have gathered so many goat-feathers that half the
+people introduce me as Ellis Butler Parker and the other half as
+Butler Parker Ellis, and if there is a ton of hay growing on my
+lawn nobody bothers to pick a pint. My father has to cut it and
+rake it away.
+
+Goat-feathers, you understand, are the feathers a man picks and
+sticks all over his hide to make himself look like the village
+goat. It often takes six days, three hours and eighteen minutes to
+gather one goat-feather, and when a man has it and takes it home it
+is about as useful and valuable to him as a stone-bruise on the
+back of his neck. I have recently spent several days over a month
+gathering one goat-feather, and as a reward I was grabbed and
+chased after another that ate up two weeks and three days of my
+time. Goat-feathers are the distractions, side lines and
+deflections that take a man's attention from his own business and
+keep him from getting ahead. They are the Greatest Thing in the
+World--to make a man look like a goat.
+
+I think I can claim, without fear of dispute, to have gathered more
+goat-feathers in a fifty-year career, and to look more like a goat,
+than any other man living, and not excepting Pooh Bah, who added
+such a pleasing, goat-like character to Gilbert-and-Sullivan's
+"Mikado." Pooh Bah, poor amateur! could boast only that he was
+First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief,
+Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buck Hounds, Groom of the Back
+Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, Lord Mayor, Lord Chamberlain,
+Attorney-General, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, Private
+Secretary, Lord High Auditor, First Commissioner of Police,
+Paymaster General, Judge Ordinary, Master of the Rolls, Secretary
+of State for the Home Department, Groom of the Second Floor Front,
+and Registrar. I can beat that all to pieces.
+
+When I wake in the morning as President of the Authors' League Fund
+I can give some attention to my work as Publicity Manager of the
+Liberty Loan Committee while preparing to devote an hour or two to
+the Secretaryship of the Armenian Relief and the Treasurership of
+the Volunteer Committee for the Fatherless Children of France,
+before I consider my duties as Vice-President of the Flushing
+Savings and Loan and as Vice-President, Director and Member of the
+Discount Committee of the Flushing National Bank. As a Councillor
+and Member of the Executive Committee of the Authors' League, and
+one of the Membership Committee of the City Club, Governor of the
+Tuscarora Club and Publicity Manager for the Flushing Red Cross,
+Flushing Red Cross Drive and Queensboro Red Cross Drive I can put
+in a few hours of goat-feather gathering. Night may come without my
+having to do any real work, but if not I can avoid it and
+accumulate a few more goat-feathers as Member of the Book Committee
+and Executive Committee of the Queensboro Public Library, Member of
+the Queensboro Committee on Training Camp Activities, Executive
+Committeeman of the Vigilantes, Authors' Committeeman of the
+American Defense Society, and so on for hours and hours and hours.
+I am a member of everything but the Mothers' Club of Public School
+20, and everything takes time from my legitimate work. I estimate
+that in the last twenty years I have gathered twenty thousand
+pounds of goat-feathers at a cost of about five dollars a pound,
+and the whole lot is worth about twenty cents.
+
+What I marvel at is that I make a living at all. My telephone rings
+seven thousand eight hundred and six times a day, and only once in
+the last eight years has it been rung by any one who wanted to buy
+a story from me. The other eighty-two million times it was rung by
+people who wanted me to gather a new crop of goat-feathers.
+
+At one time I moved out to the barn to get away from the telephone.
+The result was that I had to come down out of the second story of
+the barn, walk across my property, enter the house, and go upstairs
+every time the telephone rang. I did this eighty-two times a day,
+and then moved back to the house and had an extension telephone put
+in my workroom so close to my desk that every time I flexed a
+muscle I knocked the 'phone off its table. This made it much
+handier for the goat-feather distributers, so they called me up
+oftener. They call me before I am out of bed, when I am in the
+bathtub, and after I go to bed. Usually they call me to the 'phone
+and then tell me to wait a minute until Mr. Jonesky comes. The
+favorite times for calling me are when I am in the bathtub, when I
+am at meals, and when I am trying to concentrate on my writing.
+
+I am not blaming any one for this. I did not have to rent a
+telephone. I could have let people come to the house. A great many
+do come to the house. On the average, it takes the person who comes
+to the house just one hour to state a proposition that could be put
+in a six-word telegram or 'phoned in one minute. The visitor always
+begins with a few neat remarks about "Pigs and Pigs," which is not
+the name of the story, tells how his grandmother laughed over it
+until she swallowed her false teeth, explains that his grandmother
+was one of the Tootlecoms of Worcester, but married into the
+Blahblah family. About half an hour later the visitor remarks, "I
+know you are very busy and I hate to ask you, but----" Then he asks
+me to do some little trifle like raising $80,000,000 in Flushing
+for the War Fund of the One-Legged Gardeners' League, which has a
+plan for planting sweet peas in the trenches in Mesopotamia. "We
+know you can do it," he says pleasantly. I know I can do it, too. I
+feel the great urge of ability rise within me. I don't care a hang
+for Mesopotamia, or for sweet peas in the trenches there; but it is
+something I can do, and I go ahead and do it. I gather two quarts
+of red, white, and blue goat-feathers, give eighteen magazine
+editors a chance to forget I am alive, and find at the end of the
+month that I am three hundred and forty dollars deeper in debt than
+I was before.
+
+It has come about that people are actually offended if I don't jump
+into every mad goat-feather quest that is proposed. I am firmly
+convinced that there is now extant an Association to Prevent Butler
+Doing a Full Day's Work. I don't want to seem egotistical, but I am
+now of the opinion that the Kaiser started the war in order to make
+it seem necessary for me to make Four-Minute speeches on Food
+Conservation, Give Your Binoculars, and Buy a Thrift Stamp.
+
+Of course, all our patriotic, Liberty Loan, Red Cross, Thrift Stamp
+side-lining isn't goat-feathering. The genuine variety is
+eagle-feather gathering, and I am as proud of my eagle-feathers as
+I am sour on my goat-feathers.
+
+Now it is a fine thing to be treasurer of the Flushing Hospital,
+and it is a fine thing to be president of the Flushing Country
+Club, but the goat-feathers pall when you know that the reason you
+were given those glories was because nobody else would take them.
+It's a "grand and glorious feelin'" to know you can take some
+affair and make it a success, or a near-success; but it is not
+business. A man may make a success of a Flushing Public Playground
+and not be making a success of himself. He may be making a goat of
+himself. The chances are ten to one that he is making a goat of
+himself.
+
+I'll never get the Pulitzer prize for the best novel or for the
+best play, but if there was a Pulitzer prize for the greatest human
+goat nobody else would be in the running. I have not got
+goat-feathers by the dozen or by the pound--I have them by the
+bale. I estimate that if all my goat-feathers were placed end to
+end they would reach from the bread line to the poor-house.
+
+It is just possible that by this time you may gather that I have a
+grouch on myself. If so, you are right. To-day I am forty-nine
+years and six months old, and as a bright and shining literary
+light I am exactly where I was twelve years ago. I am twelve years
+older and have that much less time in which to complete the joy of
+making good as one of the great American authors. Presently the
+infirmities of age will begin to gnaw at me, the moths will ruin my
+flossy collection of goat-feathers, all those who now pat me on the
+back because they can make use of me free of charge will forget
+that I am alive, and my executors will shake their heads and say,
+"Ain't it too bad he left so little!"
+
+Distraction isn't really good for a man if he wants to reach a
+goal. No salesman ever got very far by carrying too many side
+lines. The poorest sort of monopoly for any man to undertake is a
+monopoly of goat-feathers.
+
+No man in the world had a better chance to make himself the Great
+American Humorist than I had when I wrote "Pigs is Pigs." I had a
+good, solid foundation of fairly good humorous work under it and
+the little story had a wonderful success. The thing for me to have
+done then was to stick to humor, regardless of anything. I have
+written dainty stories, sympathetic stories, serious stories, all
+kinds of stories, but not many humorous stories. It is surprising
+how often editors have had to announce "A story that shows this
+famous humorist in an entirely new vein."
+
+Taking literature as a business, I can say that a humorist should
+have no "new vein." Neither does a plumber succeed as a plumber by
+spending a large share of his working hours making violins. No one
+ever succeeds by allowing himself to be deflected from the most
+important business of life, which is making the most of the best
+that is in him. Even a cow does better if she sticks close to the
+business of eating grass and chewing the cud. When she starts in to
+learn to whistle like a catbird and to flit from field to field
+like a butterfly it is safe to say she is no longer a success in
+life. When a cow strays from plain milk-producing methods and
+begins climbing trees and turning somersaults, she may be more
+picturesque, but she is gathering nothing but goat-feathers. Seven
+farmers, a school-teacher and a tin peddler may line up along the
+fence and applaud her all afternoon until she is swelled with
+pride, but when she gets back to the barn at sundown she will not
+give much milk. She will not be known as a milch cow long; she will
+be a low grade of corned beef, a couple of flank steaks and a few
+pairs of three-dollar shoes.
+
+I can sit down to write a story about a man who fell off a bridge
+and landed in a kettle of tar on a canal boat and, before I have
+completed a full paragraph, I can have stopped to clean the small
+o, small e, and small a of my typewriter with a toothpick, stopped
+to think about the pearl buttons on a vest I owned in 1894, the
+Spanish-American War, what the French word for "illumination" is,
+and whether I paid my last Liberty Loan installment. Before I have
+finished that first paragraph I may have stopped to fill my
+fountain pen, gone downtown to attend a meeting of the Red Cross
+Committee, started to recatalogue my published stories, and taken a
+trip to Chicago. Before I have got to the first period in the first
+sentence I may have decided that I would not have a man fall off
+the bridge but have a woman fall off it, that I would not have her
+fall off a bridge but off the Woolworth Building, that I would not
+have her fall into a kettle of tar but into a wagonload of feather
+beds, that I would not have her fall at all, that I would not write
+a humorous story at all, that I would not write at all, and that I
+would, instead, get an empty cigar box and make a toy circus wagon
+for my young son.
+
+I once made an entire doll's house, two stories, four rooms,
+kitchen and bath, with hand-carved stairways and electric lighting
+throughout, the walls entirely weatherboarded, put in the carpets,
+papered the walls, hung lace curtains at the windows and painted
+the exterior, and all between two paragraphs of a story. I spent
+three months on that little trip after goat-feathers, and in the
+meantime Arnold Bennett probably wrote three novels of several
+hundred thousand words each, gained an international reputation,
+and passed me on the road to fame like an airplane passing a snail.
+George Ade kept pegging away at his "Fables" with the regularity of
+a day laborer, and Peter Finley Dunne ground out his "Mister
+Dooley" like an unwearied sausage-grinder.
+
+On my wall, alongside my desk, I have a calendar, and the sheet
+that faces me is that for the first week in March, 1916. It says
+"Concentration. Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work in
+hand. The sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus.
+Alexander G. Bell." That is the whole matter in a nutshell, but the
+only use the motto has been to me has been to permit me to look at
+it and think about it when I ought to be thinking of the story I
+was trying to write.
+
+So far as I am concerned, the most important person in the world is
+myself. The most important success in the world is my success. The
+most important money in the world is my money. A whole lot of the
+most important debts in the world are my debts. The same is true of
+you and your success and your money and your debts.
+
+I hope you are not near fifty years old. I hope you are nearer
+twenty, but whatever your age I can tell you that chasing after
+goat-feathers is mighty poor business. The time to investigate
+interesting by-paths is when you are on a vacation, but the New
+York-Chicago Express gets there by staying on the track. The minute
+it starts climbing some interesting country lane after daisies and
+buttercups the coroners begin to gather and the claim agents flock
+together, and some slow but sure old freight train, plugging along
+on the next track but sticking to it, toots a couple of times and
+passes by.
+
+If I am ever the boss of a school board I shall insist that no child
+graduate until he can foot correctly a pile of numbers four deep and
+forty high, and do it the first time. I have been a bookkeeper in my
+day, and I have footed a column of figures twenty times and got ten
+different results. I can go up a column of figures, starting like a
+race horse--"Seven and six are thirteen, and five are eighteen, and
+two are twenty, and--and I wonder if I put a stamp on the letter I
+mailed this morning--I wonder if Bacon wrote Shakespeare's plays--I
+wonder if a bomb from an airplane would go through from the roof of
+my house to the cellar--cellar--cellar--well, I'm glad I've got eight
+tons of coal in, but I'll have to get more in as soon as I can--and
+six----" Then I have to begin at the beginning again with "Seven and
+six are thirteen, and five are eighteen----"
+
+The reason children don't get their examples right in school is
+because they don't concentrate on the matter in hand, and the
+reason men don't get their lives right is because they don't
+concentrate on the matter of making good at what they know is the
+business of their lives--success. If you stop a moment and think of
+the men you know who are not successes, but who might be successes,
+you will find they are goat-feather gatherers. Anything that leads
+a man aside from the straight path to his goal is a goat-feather.
+Every useless side line is a goat-feather. Every unnecessary
+distraction is a goat-feather. Nine tenths of the things I do are
+goat-feathers.
+
+I don't mind telling you that I consider myself a very, very
+wonderful man. Nobody but a most remarkable man could spend so much
+time in the goat-feather groves gathering goat-feathers and still
+keep his family from starvation. I actually gasp when I think what
+a great man I should have been if I had stuck to business instead
+of being drawn aside by every sweet odor and pleasant sound. Then I
+actually swear when I think how many hours and days and weeks I
+have given to making myself look like a cross between a llama and a
+stuffed owl, when I might have been writing things the editors
+never have enough of, and buy as soon as they read the first
+paragraph.
+
+It is all right! I'm not jealous! I'll sit in the front row every
+time Ade or Tarkington or Chambers pulls a success, and I'll
+applaud as whole-heartedly as any one, but I reserve the right to
+kick myself when I get outside. This article is one of the kicks,
+and I hope it will have a good effect on me. I hope it will teach
+me a lesson. I doubt it; I'm too old; I'm too accustomed to chasing
+goat-feathers to give it up now.
+
+So there you have the story of what is the matter with me. You know
+now why, when you think of me, you think of a story I wrote twelve
+years ago. I had a main goal, but I liked too well to investigate
+all the cross-roads instead of keeping straight on. That's bad;
+that's gathering goat-feathers. It has been bad for me, and bad for
+my success as an author, and bad for my success in the only life I
+have to live, but it is apt to be much worse for you to gather
+goat-feathers than for me to gather them, because I can,
+occasionally, weave some of them into a story, while you can't do
+anything at all with those you acquire.
+
+The time we waste in excursions off the main line of our road to
+our goal is the difference between success and half-success; often
+it is the difference between success and failure.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Goat-Feathers, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GOAT-FEATHERS ***
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