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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+October 21, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, October 21, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 21, 2009 [EBook #28382]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OCTOBER 21, 1914 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Neville Allen,
+Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOL. 147.
+
+  OCTOBER 21, 1914.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration:
+
+_The following incident has been forwarded by the Special Constable
+himself, but the Authorities will not permit the publication of his
+actual portrait:--_
+
+_Small Boy_ (_suddenly noticing Special Constable_). "LOOK AHT! COPPER!"
+
+_Girl._ "WHERE?"
+
+_Boy._ "THERE--AGIN FENCE."
+
+_Girl_. "GARN, SILLY--FRIGHTENIN' ME!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"The King," says _The Manchester Courier_, "has returned all his German
+Orders." So much for the taunt that Britain's object in taking part in
+the War was to pick up German orders.
+
+       * * *
+
+We hear that, in addition to lowering the lights at night, the
+authorities intend, in order to confuse the enemy, to alter the names of
+some of our thoroughfares, and a start is to be made with Park Lane,
+which is to be changed to Petticoat Lane.
+
+       * * *
+
+The KAISER is reported to have received a nice letter from his old
+friend ABDUL ("the D----d"), pointing out that it is the fate of some
+kind and gentle souls to be misunderstood.
+
+       * * *
+
+Matches, it is stated, are required at the front--to put an end, we
+believe, to Tommy Atkins' reckless habit of lighting his cigarette by
+applying it to the burning fuse of a bomb.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Sikh non-commissioned officer has, according to _The Central News_,
+delivered himself of the following saying:--"Power is to kings, but time
+belongs to the gods. The Indians know how to wait." This will no doubt
+call forth an indignant rejoinder from the Teutonic Waiters'
+Association.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Property insured in London is valued at L1,320,000,000," according to
+an announcement made by Lord PEEL last week. One can almost hear the
+KAISER smacking his lips.
+
+       * * *
+
+At last the authorities have acted, and the premises of a German firm
+with concrete foundations have been raided. This bears out the promise
+of certain high officials who declared that they would take action when
+a concrete example was brought to their notice.
+
+       * * *
+
+The official "Eye-Witness" in a recent despatch tells us how a British
+subaltern saw, from a wood, an unsuspecting German soldier patrolling
+the road. Not caring to shoot his man in cold blood, he gave him a
+ferocious kick from behind, at which the startled German ran away with a
+yell. This subaltern certainly ought to have figured in "Boots' Roll of
+Honour" which was published last week.
+
+       * * *
+
+Why, it is being asked, do not the French retaliate for the damage done
+by the Germans to their cathedrals and drop bombs on Berlin? The persons
+who put this question have evidently never seen Berlin or they would
+know that you cannot damage its architecture if you try.
+
+       * * *
+
+The KAISER has announced his intention of eating his Christmas dinner in
+London. We trust that Mr. MCKENNA and his men will see to it that His
+Majesty will, anyhow, find no mince pies here. [NOTE.--"Mince pies"
+should be pronounced "mean spies." This greatly improves the paragraph.]
+
+       * * *
+
+According to one report which reaches us the KAISER is now beginning to
+quibble. He has pointed out that, when he said he would eat his
+Christmas dinner at Buckingham Palace, he did not mention which
+Christmas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE ENEMY, ON HIS ACHIEVEMENT.
+
+  Now wanes the third moon since your conquering host
+    Was to have laid our weakling army low,
+  And walked through France at will. For that loud boast
+          What have you got to show?
+
+  A bomb that chipped a tower of Notre Dame,
+    Leaving its mark like trippers' knives that scar
+  The haunts of beauty--that's the best _reclame_
+          You have achieved so far.
+
+  Paris, that through her humbled Triumph-Arch
+    Was doomed to see you tread your fathers' tracks--
+  Paris, your goal, now lies a six days' march
+          Behind your homing backs.
+
+  Pressed to the borders where you lately passed
+    Bulging with insolence and fat with pride,
+  You stake your all upon a desperate cast
+          To stem the gathering tide.
+
+  Eastward the Russian draws you to his fold,
+    Content, on his own ground, to bide his day,
+  Out of whose toils not many feet of old
+          Found the returning way.
+
+  And still along the seas our watchers keep
+    Their grip upon your throat with bands of steel,
+  While that Armada, which should rake the deep,
+          Skulks in its hole at Kiel.
+
+  So stands your record--stay, I cry you grace--
+    I wronged you. There is Belgium, where your sword
+  Has bled to death a free and gallant race
+          Whose life you held in ward;
+
+  Where on your trail the smoking land lies bare
+    Of hearth and homestead, and the dead babe clings
+  About its murdered mother's breast--ah, there,
+          Yes, you have done great things!
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOMMY BROWN, RECRUITING SERGEANT.
+
+Tommy Brown had been moved up into Form II., lest he should take root in
+Form I. He had been recommended personally by the master of Form I.
+to Mr. Smith, the guardian deity of Form II., as "the absolute
+limit." After a year of Tommy, Mr. Smith had begun to mention him
+in his prayers, not so much for Tommy's good as for his own
+deliverance--mentally including him in the category of plague,
+pestilence, famine and sudden death.
+
+Though the pervading note of Mr. Smith's report upon Tommy was gloom,
+deep gloom, he must have had some dim hopes of him, for, at the end of
+the Summer Term, he had placed his hand upon Tommy's head and said,
+"Never mind, my boy, we shall make a man of you some day."
+
+A new term had begun; Tommy Brown had mobilised two days late, but he
+was in time for Mr. Smith's lecture on "The War, boys."
+
+The orator spoke for an hour and a quarter, and at the end he wiped his
+brows with the blackboard duster under the impression that it was his
+handkerchief. Meanwhile Tommy had eaten three apples, caught four flies,
+written "Kiser" in chalk on the back of the boy in front of him,
+exchanged a catapult with Jones minor for a knife, cut his finger, and
+made faces at each of the four new boys. Mr. Smith caught him in one of
+these contortions, but he was speaking of Louvain at the moment and took
+it as a compliment.
+
+Suddenly Tommy found himself confronted with a number of sheets of clean
+paper. "The essay is to be written on one side of the paper only," said
+Mr. Smith.
+
+Tommy asked the boy next to him what they had to write about, and the
+reply, "The War, you fool," set him thinking.
+
+A deathlike stillness fell upon the room; Tommy Brown looked round,
+frowned heavily, dipped his pen in the ink and then in his mouth, and
+thought hard.
+
+Then, after much frowning, he delivered himself of the following, the
+ink being shared equally between himself and the paper:--
+
+"The wor was becose the beljums wouldent let the jermens go over there
+fields so they put minds in the sea and bunbarded people dead with
+airplans. It was shokkin. The rushens have got a steme roler. We have
+got a garden roler at home and I pull it sometimes. I dont like jermens.
+Kitchener said halt your country needs you and weve got a lot of
+drednorts. The airplans drop boms on anyone if your not looking it isnt
+fare yours truly T. Brown."
+
+The essay completed to his satisfaction, Tommy Brown conveyed to his
+mouth a sweet the size and strength of which fully justified the name
+"Britain's Bulwarks" attached to it by the shopkeeper.
+
+He then leaned back with the air of one who had done his duty in the
+sphere in which he found himself and proceeded to survey the room.
+
+The other boys were still writing, and for fully half a minute Tommy
+looked at them in pained surprise.
+
+He then read his own essay again and, finding no flaw in it, frowned
+once more on his fellow pupils and wrote: "My father won the Victoria
+Cross Meddle." Having written this he looked round again somewhat
+defiantly. His eye caught one of the new boys beginning another sheet.
+
+Tommy's essay just filled two-thirds of a page. He would fight that new
+boy. Just then the words of a war poster came into his head and he wrote
+in large letters: "Your King and country want _you_."
+
+Tommy studied this for a minute, and then, as the appeal seemed directed
+to himself, he wrote: "I'm not old enuf or I'd go my brothers gone I'm
+not a funk I let Jones miner push a needle into my finger to show him."
+
+It seemed to Tommy Brown that the other boys possessed some secret fund
+of information, even the new boys. He'd show those new boys after
+school. Having made up his mind on this point he printed at the bottom
+of his essay, "Kitchener wants men." As an after-thought he added, "My
+father was a man."
+
+He let his gaze wander round the room until it fell upon the face of his
+master, and then, under some impulse, he wrote the fateful words, "Mr.
+Smith is a man."
+
+"Finish off now!" rang out the command from Mr. Smith.
+
+Tommy saw the other boys putting sheet after sheet together, and he had
+hardly filled one. He racked his brains for something to add to his
+essay, and there came to his mind the words written under his father's
+portrait. He had only time to put down "England expecs----" when his
+paper was collected.
+
+No one ever read Tommy Brown's essay excepting Mr. Smith, and he burnt
+it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A lady teaches Form II. now, and Tommy Brown is eagerly looking forward
+to the day when Mr. Smith will return to occupy once more the post that
+is being kept open for him, for Mr. Smith has promised to bring Tommy
+home a German helmet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A number of shells burst together and almost at the same moment he
+    saw a large cigar-shaped cigar fall to the earth."
+
+    _Bolton Evening News._
+
+The unusual shape of it struck him at once.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE GREATER GAME.
+
+MR. PUNCH (_to Professional Association Player_). "NO DOUBT YOU CAN MAKE
+MONEY IN THIS FIELD, MY FRIEND, BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE FIELD TO-DAY WHERE
+YOU CAN GET HONOUR."
+
+[The Council of the Football Association apparently proposes to carry
+out the full programme of the Cup Competition, just as if the country
+did not need the services of all its athletes for the serious business
+of War.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUNDAY EVENING EDITION.
+
+Mrs. Henry looked up. "I think I hear that boy again selling evening
+papers," she said. "I suppose they must come off the 9.5 train. But it's
+a strange thing to happen on a Sunday--here."
+
+The Reverend Henry was already at the window. He threw it up and leaned
+out.
+
+"One can't approve of it, but I suppose in war time--" Mrs. Henry was
+beginning when her husband cut her short. "Hush--I'm trying to hear what
+he is saying. I wish boys could be taught to speak distinctly." There
+was a pause.
+
+"I can't make him out." The Reverend Henry's head reappeared between the
+curtains. "It's really most exasperating; I'd give a lot to know if the
+Belgian army got out of Antwerp before it fell."
+
+"Couldn't you shout down and ask him?"
+
+"No, no. I cannot be discovered interrogating urchins about secular
+affairs from a second storey window on Sunday evening. Still, I'd like
+to know."
+
+The Reverend Henry perambulated the room with knitted brow.
+
+"I never bought a Sunday paper of any sort in my life. Never."
+
+"I suppose one must have _some_ principles," said his wife.
+
+"But it's enormously important, you know. They may easily have been
+surrounded and captured." He returned to the window. "Hullo, he's gone
+to the door. I say, Cook has bought one. This is exciting. I should
+never have thought Cook would have done that."
+
+"It raises rather a nice point," said Mrs. Henry.
+
+The Reverend Henry returned resolutely to his book. The shouts of the
+newsvendor died away.
+
+"We must not forget," said the Reverend Henry irrelevantly, "that Cook
+is a Dissenter." Then suddenly he broke out. "I wish I knew," he said.
+"I am not paying the least attention to this book and I shan't sleep
+well, and I shall get up about two hours before the morning paper
+arrives, and be restive till I know whether the Belgians got out. But
+what am I to do? I can't ask Cook."
+
+"I might go down," his wife volunteered. "I needn't say anything about
+it, you know. I could just stroll about the kitchen and change the
+orders for breakfast. The paper is pretty sure to be lying about. There
+may be headlines."
+
+"No," said the Reverend Henry with determination, "I really cannot
+consent to it."
+
+"Well, I may as well go to bed. Don't sit up late."
+
+The Reverend Henry did sit up rather late. He was wide awake and ill at
+ease. At last he listened intently at the door and then took a candle
+and stole down the passage.
+
+The Reverend Henry had not been in his own kitchen for close upon ten
+years, and he did not know the way about very well. He had adventures
+and some moments of rigid suspense while the clatter of a kicked
+coal-scuttle died away in the distance. But when at last he crept
+noiselessly up-stairs he was assured of a good night's rest.
+
+"What a mess your hands are in," said Mrs. Henry sleepily.
+
+"Yes," said Henry. "That miserable woman had used it to lay the fire.
+But it's all right. They did get out--most of them."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Alf_ (_reading French news_). "ALL THE CINEMAS IN CALAIS
+ARE SHUT UP. MY WORD! THAT BRINGS THE HORRORS OF WAR PRETTY CLOSE TO
+HOME!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "British Troops Fighting (Official)."--_Western Mail._
+
+So the Censor has let the secret out at last, and the rumours of the
+last 70 days prove to be well founded.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Five hundred German prisoners were landed in Dublin yesterday
+    afternoon, and conveyed under escort to Templemore, County
+    Tipperary."--_Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+It's a long, long way, but they've got there at last.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNINTELLIGENT ANTICIPATION.
+
+"My dear," I said, "you are always proposing things, and then, when they
+are carried _nem. con._, you argue against your own proposal."
+
+"It's unfair to use Greek to me."
+
+"_'Nem. con._,'" I said, "is rich old Castilian and, put simply, means
+that nobody--I am nobody--objects."
+
+"But we can't afford a new tea-set."
+
+"Then why did you ask so many to tea at once?"
+
+"I didn't think," said Alison. "They are coming to make pyjamas for our
+soldiers in the trenches, and I simply thought that the more people came
+the more pyjamas there would be."
+
+"How many cups have we?"
+
+"Only five tea-cups. Jessie broke two more yesterday, and there's one
+with a piece out that you or I could use. Oh! and there are the two
+breakfast cups and two odd ones which would make up the number, but
+they're such a mixed lot."
+
+Jessie is our domestic staff and a champion china-breaker.
+
+"If Jessie," I said, "were not so good to young Peter I should insist on
+handing her back her credentials. Hold! I have the germ of an idea.
+Leave me to work it out, please. I see credit, nay kudos, in it."
+
+At the end of ten minutes Alison looked in again.
+
+"I'm just putting the finishing touches," I said. "Kindly ask Peter to
+spare me a few moments. He's sailing his boats in the bath, I imagine.
+By the way, what time are these people coming?"
+
+"Half-past four," said Alison, "and it's now nearly four."
+
+"Then please see that Jessie brings in tea at five exactly."
+
+"Why exactly?" said Alison.
+
+"Why not?" I said. "Five is a very good hour, and it's part of my
+scheme."
+
+"It's most mysterious," said Alison.
+
+"It's particularly ingenious," I said. "Everything dovetails in
+beautifully, and if you'll carry out your small share all will be well.
+By the way, if I make any remark to the company before tea which is
+not--er--strictly true, you will please to take no notice of it."
+
+"I'll try not to," said Alison, "if it isn't too outrageous."
+
+"Oh, no," I said, "nothing to shy at. But I might find it necessary to
+say something about a Worcester tea-set. Listen," I said before she
+could interrupt. "When you hear me say, 'Worcester tea-set' you say
+'Great heavens!' or whatever women say under stress of great emotion.
+But sit tight. Don't go and see about it."
+
+"See about what?"
+
+"The Worcester tea-set, of course."
+
+"But we haven't got one."
+
+"My dear girl," I said, "try to imagine we have. In this little
+drawing-room comedy you've only one line to learn, and your cue's
+'Worcester tea-set.'"
+
+"But what's the idea?" said Alison.
+
+"The idea," I said, "is great, but it is as well you should not know the
+whole plot of the piece yet. Play your one line, and I, as stage
+manager, will answer for the rest of the cast."
+
+"And what's Peter got to do with it? I want him to have tea with
+Jessie."
+
+"Right," I said. "Peter's part is important, but is played off--in the
+wings, as it were."
+
+My interview with Peter was not a long one.
+
+"Now look here, old pal," I said at the close, "quarter to exactly, in
+the bathroom."
+
+"Right-o! Daddy." Peter (aetat. 9) has a wrist-watch already and winds it
+regularly, so I knew he wouldn't fail me.
+
+At a quarter to five I was talking to Mrs. Padbury, the Rector's wife,
+about the doings of the various Armies in the field. I was sitting in
+such a position that, while seeming to attend only to her, I could keep
+an eye on the drawing-room clock behind her. Every detail of my scheme
+had been carefully arranged; it now only remained for the actors to play
+their ...
+
+    Crash!
+
+"Bless my soul," I said, "that sounds remarkably like the Worcester
+tea-set," and looking at the clock again I knew that Peter had made the
+"loud noise off" at the exact moment. "Good lad," I said to myself.
+
+"Great heavens!" said Alison.
+
+I was delighted. I had been more afraid of Alison's getting stage fright
+than of anything else, and there she was playing her part like a veteran
+actress. Things were going really splendidly.
+
+It was at this precise moment that the grandfather clock in the kitchen
+gave out the first stroke of five, and at the same moment Jessie entered
+bearing a tray, on which were the five drawing-room tea-cups which were
+intact, the single ditto with a piece out, two breakfast cups and two
+odd ones.
+
+So the one player, the kitchen clock, whose part had been overlooked,
+had spoilt the whole show by being nearly fifteen minutes fast; and the
+fact that Jessie tripped on the doormat as she came in, with fatal
+results to the rest of our tea-things, was a mere circumstance.
+
+Alison blames me for everything.
+
+The next pyjama conference is to be held at the Rectory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a well-known Firm's catalogue:--
+
+    "_Our roll of honour to date: 487 employees joined the colours._"
+
+The question, "Shall women fight?" has now been decided.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: The St. John Ambulance Association, which forms part of
+the Red Cross Organisation of Great Britain, derives its name and
+traditions from the Order of St. John of Jerusalem (Knights
+Hospitallers), founded at the time of the Crusades. It has at this
+moment many thousands of workers engaged in tending the wounded at the
+seat of war and in the hospitals of the Order.
+
+In peace time it does not appeal to the public for subscriptions, but
+under the stress of war it finds itself in urgent need of help, and is
+absolutely compelled to ask for funds. Gifts should be sent to the Chief
+Secretary, Colonel Sir Herbert C. Perrott, Bt., C.B., at St. John's
+Gate, Clerkenwell, E.C., and cheques should be crossed "London County
+and Westminster Bank, Lothbury," and made payable to the St. John
+Ambulance Association. In aid of its work, a Concert (at which Madame
+Patti will sing) is to be given at the Albert Hall on Saturday
+afternoon, October 24th.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A UNITED FAMILY.
+
+_Irish would-be Recruit._ "BEG PARDON, CAPTAIN, BUT THE MAN IN THERE
+WON'T LET ME GO TO FIGHT BECAUSE OF ME EYE."
+
+_Captain._ "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE ARMY?"
+
+_Would-be Recruit._ "I HAVE, SORR."
+
+_Captain._ "WHAT REGIMENT?"
+
+_Would-be Recruit._ "ME BROTHER WAS IN THE LEINSTERS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STICK TO IT, RIGHT WING!
+
+(_A few suggested official communiques, respectfully offered to the
+authorities in Paris._)
+
+MONDAY.
+
+  Enemy, towards Lassigny, made attack,
+    But after suffering heavy loss withdrew.
+  We have made progress near to Berry-au-Bac,
+    And on our right wing there is nothing new.
+
+TUESDAY.
+
+  Near the Argonne we had a slight reverse
+    (Though what the Germans said is quite untrue).
+  Along the Meuse things seem a little worse,
+    But on our right wing there is nothing new.
+
+WEDNESDAY.
+
+  We gather that sensational reports
+    Announced the fall of Antwerp ere 'twas due;
+  There's still resistance in some Antwerp forts,
+    And on our right wing there is nothing new.
+
+THURSDAY.
+
+  Our left is making progress, and it looks
+    (For the straight line is getting very skew)
+  As if our forces might surround VON KLUCK'S.
+    Meantime, on right wing there is nothing new.
+
+FRIDAY.
+
+  Fighting in centre; German loss immense;
+    Our casualties, it seems, were very few.
+  All up the left wing Germans very dense;
+    May they remain so! Right wing, nothing new.
+
+SATURDAY.
+
+  In some few places we have given ground;
+    In several others we have broken through.
+  Our left is still by way of working round,
+    And on our right wing there is nothing new.
+
+SUNDAY.
+
+  On our left wing the state of things remains
+    Unaltered, on a general review.
+  Our losses in the centre match our gains,
+    And on our right wing there is nothing new.
+
+L'ENVOI.
+
+  So it goes on. But there may come a day
+    When WILHELM'S cheek assumes a different hue,
+  And bulletins are rounded off this way:--
+    "And on the right wing there is something new."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The prisoner, who was said to be an Indian barrister's window, was
+    placed on the floor of the Court."--_Edinburgh Evening Dispatch._
+
+The prisoner would have looked better in the roof as a skylight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE DOUBLE MYSTERY."
+
+ACT I.
+
+_Scene:_ _The house of_ Judge Hallers. _Also of_ Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER;
+_that is to say, The Garrick._
+
+_Doctor Ferrier_ (_professionally_). Now tell me the symptoms. Where do
+you feel the pain?
+
+_Judge Hallers._ At the back of the head. I've never been myself since I
+fell off my bicycle. My memory goes.
+
+_Ferrier._ Ah, I know what you want. Open your mouth. (_Inserts
+thermometer._) This will cure you ... Good heavens, he's swallowed it!
+
+_Hallers._ There you are, that's what I mean. I thought it was asparagus
+for the moment. Haven't you another one on you?
+
+_Ferrier._ Tut, tut, this is very singular. (_Makes another effort to
+grapple with it._) What books have you been reading lately?
+
+_Hallers._ One about Dual Personality. It's all rubbish.
+
+_Ferrier_ (_quoting from the programme with an air of profound
+knowledge_). Cases showing prevalence of this mental disorder are to be
+found everywhere. (_Gets up._) Well, well, I will come round to-morrow
+with another thermometer. Good night.
+    [_Exit._
+
+_Hallers._ Dual personality--nonsense! (_A spasm seizes him. He scowls
+at the audience, ties a muffler round his neck and loses his identity._)
+Gr-r-r-r! Waugh-waugh! Gr-r-r-r-r! Przemysl!
+    [_Exit growling._
+
+ACT II.
+
+_Scene: "The Lame Duck" cafe, a horrible haunt of depravity._
+
+_Poulard_ (_the Proprietor, to long-bearded customer_). Yes, Sir?
+
+_L.-B. Customer._ H'sh! (_Removes portion of beard._) I am Inspector
+Heidegg!
+
+_Poulard._ Fried egg?
+
+_Inspector_ (_annoyed_). Heidegg. (_Replaces beard._) A gang of
+desperate desperados, headed by the ruffianly ruffian whom they call The
+Baron, will be here to-night. I shall be hiding under the counter. Ten
+men and two dachshunds surround the house. If you betray me your licence
+will not be worth a moment's purchase.
+
+    [He dives under the counter. Poulard, rather upset, goes out and
+    kicks the waiter.
+
+_Enter the gang of desperados, male and female. A scene of horrible
+debauchery ensues._
+
+_Charlier_ (_revelling recklessly_). Small lemonade, waiter.
+
+_Picard_ (_with abandoned gaiety_). A dry biscuit and a glass of milk.
+
+_Jacquot_ (_letting himself go_). Dash, bother, hang, bust!
+
+_Picard_ (_to_ Merlin). Why don't you revel?
+
+_Merlin_ (_giving Suzanne a nudge_). What-ho!
+    [_Relapses into silence again._
+
+_Picard_ (_gaily_). A song! a song!
+
+_Charlier_ (_in an agonised whisper_). You fool, none of us can sing!
+
+_Picard._ What about the girl who sang the recruiting song before the
+play began? Isn't she behind the scenes still? (_Cracking his biscuit._)
+Well, let's have a dance anyway. We must make the thing _go._ Waiter,
+_another_ glass of milk.
+
+_Enter Judge Hallers in scowl and muffler._
+
+_Charlier_ (_enthusiastically_). Ha! The Baron!
+
+_Hallers._ I mean business to-night, boys. Look at this! (_He produces a
+dagger and a pistol._)
+
+_Charlier._ What a man!
+
+    [_He throws away his pea-shooter in disgust._ Jacquot, _who has just
+    begun to strop a fish-knife, realizes that he has been outdone in
+    devilry, and gives it back to the waiter. Picard replaces his
+    knotted handkerchief._
+
+_Hallers._ Yes, boys, I've got a crib for you to crack to-night. It's
+Judge Hallers' house. (_A loud bumping noise is heard from the direction
+of the counter._) What's that?
+
+_It is_ Inspector Heidegg. (_Raising his head incautiously, in order to
+catch his first sight of the notorious Baron, he has struck the top of
+his skull against the counter and is now lying stunned._)
+
+_All._ A spy!
+
+_Hallers._ Bring him out ... Ha! Who is he? Is that his own beard or
+Clarkson's?
+
+_Charlier._ It's a police inspector in a false beard!
+
+_Mr. BOURCHIER_ (_contemptuously_).
+
+A real artist would have _grown_ a beard. (_Producing his knife._) He
+must die.
+
+    (_There is a loud noise without._)
+
+_Noise without._ Open! Bang-bang. Open! Bow-wow, bow-wow.
+    [_It is the police and the two dachshunds._
+
+_Hallers._ Quick! The trap-door!
+
+    [_They escape as the dachshunds enter._
+
+LAST ACT.
+
+_Scene:_ _Next morning at Judge Hallers._
+
+_Dr. Ferrier._ Good morning, Judge. I've come with that other
+thermometer. I have ventured to tie a piece of string to it, so that in
+case the--er--temperature goes down again----But what's happened here?
+You seem all upset.
+
+_Hallers._ Burglary. I dropped asleep at my desk here last night, and
+when I wake up I find that a criminal called The Baron and two
+accomplices have burgled my house. The Baron escaped, but Heidegg caught
+the others.
+
+_Ferrier._ Extraordinary thing. What theatres have you been to lately?
+
+_Hatters._ Only the Garrick. (_Enter_ Heidegg.) Well, anything fresh to
+report, Inspector?
+
+_Heidegg._ Yes, Judge. The prisoners say that you are The Baron. But
+they say you had a muffler on last night. That might account for our
+dachshunds missing the scent.
+
+_Hallers._ Good heavens, what do you make of this, Doctor?
+
+_Ferrier_ (_picking up programme_). Cases showing prevalence of this
+mental disorder----
+
+_Hallers._ You mean I am a dual personality! (_Covers his face with his
+hands._)
+
+_Ferrier._ Come, come, control yourself.
+
+_Hallers_ (_calmly_). It is all right; I am my own man--I mean my own
+two men again. What shall I do?
+
+_Ferrier._ You must wrestle with your second self. I will hypnotise you.
+(_He glares at him._)
+
+_Hallers_ (_after a long pause_). Well, why don't you begin?
+
+_Ferrier._ You ass, I'm doing it all the time. This is the latest
+way.... There! Now then, wrestle!
+
+    [_A terrible struggle ensues. After what seems about half an hour
+    the Judge, panting heavily, gets The Baron metaphorically down on
+    the mat, and----_
+
+_Ferrier._ Time! (_Replacing his watch._) That will do for to-day. But
+continue the treatment every morning--say for half an hour before the
+bath. Good day to you.
+
+_Hallers._ Wait a moment; you can't go like this. We must have a proper
+curtain. Ah, here's my _fiancee_. Would you----Thank you!
+
+    [_The Doctor leads her to the Judge, who embraces her._
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+  A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was dark, and as he stumbled on his way he called out, 'Are you
+    there, Fritz?' A French soldier with a knowledge of German shouted
+    back, 'Here.'"--_Daily Mail._
+
+At the critical moment his knowledge of German seems to have failed him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of the Manchester Medical Officer of Health:--
+
+    "An important step forward was taken in 1909, when an Order of the
+    Local Government Board made Tuberculosis of the Lungs obligatory on
+    the Medical Officers of the Poor Law Service; in 1911 a second Order
+    extended the obligation to other Institutions."
+
+So far, luckily, the Order has not been extended to journalists.
+Regarding it, however, from the standpoint of the onlooker, we think
+that the L. G. B. has gone a little beyond its powers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: WHY HAVE WE NO SUPERMEN LIKE THE GERMANS?
+
+HOW THEY MIGHT BRIGHTEN REGENT STREET.
+
+HOW THEY MIGHT WAKE UP OUR RESTAURANTS.
+
+AND HONOUR US WITH THEIR GALLANTRY.
+
+AND, BEST OF ALL, HOW AMUSING TO SEE THEM MEET A SUPER-SUPERMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: FACTS FROM THE FRONT.
+
+STORM OF RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION AT THE ENEMY'S HEADQUARTERS ON THEIR
+BEING SHOWN A "BARBAROUS AND DISGUSTING ENGINE OF WAR" IN USE BY THE
+ALLIES. [_The Germans have taken a strong objection to the French 75 m/m
+gun._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT SHOCK.
+
+(_Or a tragic result of Armageddon as gleaned from the Evening Press._)
+
+  No more the town discusses
+    The Halls and what will win;
+      Now stifled are the wags' tones
+      On Piccadilly's flagstones,
+  And half the motor-buses
+    Have started for Berlin.
+
+  New eyes to war adapting
+    We stare at the Gazette;
+      Yon eager-faced civilian,
+      When posters flaunt vermilion
+  And boys say "Paper, capting,"
+    Replies "Not _captain_--yet."
+
+  "Remains," I asked, "no station
+    Of piping peace and sport?
+      Oh yes. Though kings may tumble,
+      No howitzers can rumble,
+  No sounds but cachinnation
+    Can boom from DARLING'S Court.
+
+  "That garden of the Graces
+    Can hear no cannon roar;
+      From that dear island valley
+      No bruit of arms can sally.
+  But men must burst their braces
+    With laughter as of yore.
+
+  "While dogs of war are snarling
+    His wit shall sweep away
+      Bellona's ominous vapour;"
+      Therefore I bought a paper
+  To see what Justice DARLING
+    Happened to have to say.
+
+  In vain his humour sortied,
+    In vain with spurts of glee
+      Like field-guns on the trenches
+      He raked the crowded benches;
+  My evening print reported
+    No kind of casualty.
+
+  No prisoner howled and hooted,
+    No strong policemen tore
+      With helpless mirth their jackets,
+      There was not even in brackets
+  This notice: "(Laughter--muted
+    In deference to the war.")
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Traitor Press.
+
+    "BRITISH PRESS BACK THE ENEMY." _Manchester Courier._
+
+_Punch_ anyhow backs the Allies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Cardiff claims the honour of having enlisted the heaviest recruit in the
+person of a police constable weighing nineteen stone odd. He should
+prove invaluable for testing bridges before the heavy artillery passes
+across.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A ROYAL CRACKSMAN.
+
+  When the housebreaking business is slack
+    And cracksmen are finding it slow--
+  For all the seasiders are back
+    And a great many more didn't go--
+  Here's excellent news from the front
+    And joy in Bill Sikes's brigade;
+      Things are looking up since
+      The German CROWN PRINCE
+    Has been giving a fillip to trade.
+
+  His methods are quite up to date,
+    Displaying adroitness and dash;
+  What he wants he collects in a crate,
+    What he doesn't he's careful to smash.
+  An historical chateau in France
+    With Imperial ardour he loots,
+      Annexing the best
+      And erasing the rest
+    With the heels of his soldierly boots.
+
+  Sikes reads the report with applause;
+    It's quite an inspiring affair;
+  But a sudden idea gives him pause--
+    _The Germans must stop over there!_
+  So he flutters a Union Jack
+    To help to keep Englishmen steady,
+      Remarking, "His nibs
+      Mustn't crack _English_ cribs,
+    The profession is crowded already."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: UNCONQUERABLE.
+
+THE KAISER, "SO, YOU SEE--YOU'VE LOST EVERYTHING."
+
+THE KING OF THE BELGIANS, "NOT MY SOUL."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: MORE HORRORS OF WAR.
+
+_Lady Midas_ (_to friend_). "YES, DO COME TO DINNER ON FRIDAY. ONLY I
+MUST CAUTION YOU THAT IT WILL BE AN ABSOLUTE PICNIC, FOR MY FOURTH AND
+SIXTH FOOTMEN HAVE JUST ENLISTED."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR ITEMS.
+
+The reiterated accusations made by Germany of the use of dum-dum bullets
+by the Allies, although they are not believed by anyone else, appear to
+be accepted without question by the German General Staff. New measures
+of retaliation are being taken, which, while not strictly forbidden by
+International Law, may at any rate be said to contravene the etiquette
+of civilised warfare. We learn from Sir JOHN FRENCH'S Eye-witness that
+numbers of gramophones have made their appearance in the German trenches
+north of the Aisne River.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Papers captured in the pocket of a member of the German Army Service
+Corps contain bitter complaints of the enormous strain thrown upon the
+already over-taxed railway system in Germany by the KAISER'S repeated
+journeys to and fro between the Eastern and the Western Theatres of War.
+He is referred to (rather flippantly) as "The Imperial Pendulum"
+(_Perpendikel_). The writer, while recognising the eager devotion with
+which the KAISER is pursuing his search for a victory in the face of
+repeated disappointment, congratulates himself that the Imperial
+journeys, though they are not likely to be discontinued, will at least
+grow shorter and shorter as time goes on. Indeed, it is hoped that
+before long a brief spin in the Imperial automobile-de-luxe will cover
+the ground between the Eastern and Western Theatres.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORKS OF KULTUR.
+
+In some respects, apparently, the enemy has been less affected by the
+War than we have. While in England the book-trade has been slightly
+depressed, in Germany it seems to be flourishing. We give samples from
+the latest catalogues:--
+
+POETRY.
+
+The most interesting volume announced is _A Hunning We Will Go, and
+Other Verses_, by WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN, whose _Bleeding Heart_ attracted
+so much attention.
+
+HISTORY.
+
+_Kaiser's Gallic War Books, I. & II._, a new edition, very much revised
+since August by General VON KLUCK and other accomplished scholars, are
+certain to be of great use for educational purposes.
+
+NATURAL HISTORY.
+
+In this department a work likely to be enquired for is _The Dogs of St.
+Bernhardi_, by General VON MOLTKE.
+
+FICTION.
+
+The demand for fiction in Germany is said to be without parallel and the
+supply appears to be not inadequate. Among forthcoming volumes there
+should be a demand for _Der Tag; or, It Never Can Happen Again_.
+
+GENERAL.
+
+_Proverbial Philosophy_ contains the favourite proverbs of various
+persons of eminence. From the Imperial FINANCE MINISTER comes: "It's
+never too late to lend." From General MANTEUFFEL (the destroyer of
+Louvain library): "Too many books spoil the Goth." The CROWN PRINCE
+contributes: "Beware the rift within the loot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ZEITUNGS AND GAZETTINGS.
+
+ROOSEVELT UNMASKED.
+
+It is sad to relate, but persistent efforts to maintain the
+disinterested claim on American friendship which we Germans have always
+(when in need of it) advanced, continue to be misrepresented in that
+stronghold of atheistical materialism and Byzantine voluptuousness, New
+York. To the gifted Professor von Schwank's challenge, that he could not
+fill a single "scrap of paper" with the record of acts of war on our
+part which were incompatible with Divine guidance and the promulgation
+of the higher culture, the effete and already discredited ROOSEVELT has
+merely replied, "Could fill Rheims." This is very poor stuff and worthy
+only of a creature who combines with the intellectual development of a
+gorilla the pachymenia of the rhinoceros and the dental physiognomy of
+the wart-hog. ROOSEVELT, once our friend, is plainly the enemy and must
+be watched. Should he decide, however, even at the eleventh hour, to
+fall in line with civilisation, he can rely on finding in Germany, in
+return for any little acts of useful neutrality which he may be able to
+perform, a generous ally, a faithful upholder of treaty obligations, and
+a tenacious friend. There must surely be something that America
+covets--something belonging to one of our enemies. Between men of honour
+we need say no more.
+
+
+BASE CALUMNY EXPOSED.
+
+Let us speak plainly with regard to the Rheims affair. We have
+successively maintained that this over-rated monument of Arimaspian
+decadence (1) was not injured in any way; (2) was only blown to pieces
+in conformity with the rules of civilised warfare; (3) was mutilated and
+fired by our unscrupulous and barbaric opponents themselves; (4) was
+deliberately pushed into our line of fire on the night of the 19th
+September; (5) never existed at all, being indeed an elaborate but
+puerile fiction basely invented by a baffled enemy with the object of
+discrediting our enlightened army in the eyes of neutral Powers. Any of
+these was good enough, but what now appears is better. Exact
+measurements have since demonstrated beyond all question of cavil that
+Rheims Cathedral had been built with mathematical accuracy to shield our
+contemptible enemy's trenches around Chalons from our best gun positions
+outside Laon. This act of treachery proves that, instead of Germany
+being the aggressor, France has been cunningly preparing ever since 1212
+A.D. for the war which at last even our chivalrous diplomacy has been
+powerless to avert.
+
+GENEROUS OFFER TO MONACO.
+
+It is time for Monaco to reconsider its position. Should it maintain its
+present short-sighted and untenable neutrality what has it to gain from
+England, France, or Russia? Nothing that it has not already got. Monaco
+very naturally wants something more. Let us be frank. We of Germany
+speak very differently. It is not desirable to be specific, but short of
+that we may say that whatever Monaco asks for it will be promised.
+England, we would then repeat, is the enemy. Has Monaco forgotten the
+sinister malignity of an article in an English paper disclosing "How to
+Break the Bank at Monte Carlo." It is unnecessary to labour the point,
+to which we will return in our next issue. Monaco, in short, like
+Turkey, Bolivia, China, the United States, Hayti and Oman, is the
+natural ally of Germany.
+
+Illustration: "PFUTSCH! DEY VAS JUST A FEW TINGS VAT I USE TO FRIGHDEN
+DER CATS FROM MEIN GARTEN!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "After exhaustive research a Scotch scientist has decided that no
+    trees are species is struck as often as another."
+
+    _Vancouver Daily Province._
+
+He must have a rest and then try some more research.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SLUMP IN CRIME.
+
+"Praise is due to criminals," remarked Mr. ROBERT WALLACE, K.C., at the
+London Sessions, "for the self-control they are exercising during this
+period of stress and anxiety."
+
+It is to be feared that Mr. WALLACE'S views are not entirely shared by
+the legal profession. As the junior partner in Mowlem & Mowlem confided
+to our representative: "That's all very fine, but what's to become of
+_us_? Not a burglar on our books for the last six weeks. Not a
+confidence man; not a coiner; not a note expert. And they had the
+opportunity of their lives with the JOHN BRADBURY notes! We shall have
+to shut up our office, and then what's to become of our clerk? What's to
+become of our charwoman? I ask you, what's to become of our charwoman's
+poor old husband dependent on her? No, let's have patriotism in its
+_right_ place!"
+
+An old-established firm of scientific implement merchants showed even
+more indignation. "We had taken our place in the firing-line in the War
+on Germany's Trade," they declared. "We had made arrangements for home
+manufacture to supplant the alien jemmy. No British burglar would need
+to be equipped with anything but all-British implements, turned out in
+British factories and giving employment to British workmen only. And now
+what do we find? The market has gone to pot. Yes, Sir, to pot. And
+that's the reward for our patriotic efforts!"
+
+Opinions of other representative men in the criminological world have
+reached us in response to telegrams (reply paid):--
+
+Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE: "Ruin stares me in the face."
+
+Mr. GERALD DU MAURIER: "Have decided to suppress _Raffles_ for the
+period of the War."
+
+Mr. RAFFLES: "Have decided to suppress GERALD DU MAURIER for the period
+of the war."
+
+Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON: "Have always maintained that patriotism is the
+curse of the criminal classes. Will contribute ten guineas to National
+Fund for Indigent Burglars Whose Front Name Is Not William."
+
+Crown Prince WILHELM: "Have nothing to give away to the Press."
+
+Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW: "My first telegram for three months. To be a
+criminal needs brains. There are no English criminals."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Nurse._ "GOODNESS ME! WHAT 'AVE YOU BEEN DOING TO YOUR
+DOLLS?"
+
+_Joan._ "CHARLIE'S KILLED THEM! HE SAID THEY WERE MADE IN GERMANY, AND
+HOW WERE WE TO KNOW THEY WEREN'T SPIES?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WITH HIGH HEART.
+
+The long line of red earth twisted away until it was lost in the fringe
+of a small copse on the left and had dipped behind a hillock on the
+right. Flat open country stretched ahead, grass lands and fields of
+stubble, lifeless and deserted.
+
+There was no enemy to be seen and not even a puff of smoke to suggest
+his whereabouts. But the air was full of the booming of heavy guns and
+the rising eerie shriek of the shrapnel.
+
+Behind the line of red earth lay the British, each man with his rifle
+cuddled lovingly to his shoulder, a useless weapon that yet conveyed a
+sense of comfort. The shells were bursting with hideous accuracy--sharp
+flashes of white light, a loud report and then a murderous rain of
+shrapnel.
+
+"Crikey!" said a little man in filthy rain-sodden khaki, as a handful of
+earth rose up and hit him on the shoulder; "crikey! that was a narsty
+shave for your uncle!"
+
+The big man beside him grunted and shifted half an inch of dead
+cigarette from one corner of his mouth to the other. "You can 'old my
+'and," said he with a grin.
+
+Four or five places up the trench a man stumbled to his knee, coughed
+with a rush of blood and toppled over dead.
+
+"Dahn and aht," said the big man gruffly. "Gawd! If we could get at
+'em!"
+
+The wail of a distant shell rose to a shriek and the explosion was
+instantaneous. The little man suddenly went limp and his rifle rolled
+down the bank of the trench.
+
+His friend looked at him with unspeakable anguish. "Got it--in the
+perishing neck this time, Bill," gasped the little man.
+
+Bill leaned over and propped his pal's head on his shoulder. A large
+dark stain was saturating the wounded man's tunic and he lay very still.
+
+"Bill," very faintly; then, with surprise, "Blimey! 'E's blubbing! Poor
+old Bill!"
+
+The big man was shaking with strangled sobs. For some moments he held
+his friend close, and it was the dying man who spoke first.
+
+"Are we dahn-'earted?" he said. The whisper went along the line and
+swelled into a roar.
+
+The big man choked back his sobs. "No, old pal, no!" he answered, and
+"No-o-o-o!" roared the line in unison.
+
+The little man lay back with a contented sigh. "No," he repeated, and
+closed his eyes for ever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOUTHDOWNS.
+
+  The Grey Men of the South
+    They look to glim of seas,
+  This gentle day of drouth
+    And sleepy Autumn bees,
+  Pale skies and wheeling hawk
+    And scent of trodden thyme,
+  Brown butterflies and chalk
+    And the sheep-bells' chime.
+
+  The Grey Men they are old,
+    Ah, very old they be;
+  They've stood upside the wold
+    Since all eternity;
+  They standed in a ring
+    And the elk-bull roared to them
+  When SOLOMON was king
+    In famed Jerusalem.
+
+  KING SOLOMON was wise;
+    He was KING DAVID'S son;
+  He lifted up his eyes
+    To see his hill-tops run;
+  And his old heart found cheer,
+    As yours and mine may do
+  On these grey days, my dear,
+    Nor'-East of Piddinghooe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE COST."
+
+_Mr. Samuel Woodhouse_, of the middle classes, being anxious to distract
+his son _John_ during the critical moments of _Mrs. John's_ confinement,
+relates how, in similar circumstances more directly affecting himself,
+he had been playing tennis, and the strain of the crisis had quite put
+him off his game. The little jest is, of course, adapted from the
+familiar lines:--
+
+    "I was playing golf the day: When the Germans landed ..."
+
+It is of material interest not so much because it is borrowed (for it is
+not the only joke that Mr. THURSTON has conveyed) as because it serves
+as a brief epitome of the play. For the thing started with the War, and
+we were getting on quite well with it when an element of obstetrics was
+introduced and became inextricably interwoven with the original design.
+Indeed it went further and affected the destinies of the country at
+large. For England had to wait till the baby was born before it could
+secure its father's services as the most unlikely recruit in the
+kingdom.
+
+But you must hear more about this _John_. He was an intellectual who
+threatened to achieve the apex of literary renown with a work in two
+volumes (a third was to follow) on the Philosophy of Moral Courage. At
+the outbreak of the present war he was at once torn asunder between his
+duty to his country and his duty to himself. The latter seemed to have
+the greater claim upon him, and this view was encouraged by an officer
+who found himself billeted upon the Woodhouse _menage_. The dilemma had
+already worried _John_ (and us) a good deal even before the extension of
+the age limit made him roughly eligible for the army. Indeed I never
+quite gathered what it was that ultimately decided him to enlist.
+Anyhow, six months later he received a bullet in the head, and the
+wound, though I am glad to say that he survived it, left him incapable
+of any further intellectual strain.
+
+That was "the cost" of the war to him. Its cost to us (in the play) was
+almost as heavy. For _John's_ head still retained such a command of
+brain power that he contrived to be very fluent over his theories of war
+in general, theories not likely to be of any vital service at a time
+when our men of fighting age are wanted to act and not think.
+
+I give little for Mr. THURSTON'S generalities (his talk of "hysteria,"
+which was never a British foible, showed his lack of elementary
+observation), but the character of _John_ intrigued me as a fair example
+of the type of egoist, very common among quite good fellows, who is more
+concerned to satisfy his own sense of the proper thing to do than to
+consider in what way, less romantic perhaps, he can best devote to the
+service of his country the gifts with which nature has endowed him.
+
+The play went very well for the first two Acts. The various members of
+the _Woodhouse_ family were excellently differentiated. The father
+(played with admirable humour by Mr. FREDERICK ROSS) bore bravely the
+shock to his trade, and took a manly but quite ineffectual part in
+household duties for which he had no calling. His lachrymose wife (Miss
+MARY RORKE) was a sound example of the worst possible mother of
+soldiers. _John_ we know, and Mr. OWEN NARES knew him too, and very
+thoroughly. _John's_ wife (I can't think how she came to marry him) had
+the makings of an Amazon and would gladly have spared her husband for
+KITCHENER'S Army at the earliest moment. Her part was played very
+sincerely and charmingly by Miss BARBARA EVEREST. _John's_ eldest sister
+regretted the war because she had some nice friends in Germany, but she
+caught the spirit of menial service from her sisters, of whom the
+younger was a stage-flapper of the loudest. Finally the second son (Mr.
+JACK HOBBS) was a nut who began with his heart in his socks but shifted
+it later into the enemy's trench.
+
+Perhaps the best performance of all--though it had little to do with the
+war and nothing to do with child-birth--was that of Miss HANNAH JONES as
+_Mrs. Pinhouse_, a perfect peach of a cook. There were also two
+characters played off. One was a maid-servant who declined to come to
+family prayers on the ground of other distractions. I admired her
+courage. The other was _Michael_, the precious infant whose entry into
+the world had occupied so much of our evening. Everybody on the stage
+had to have a look at him. I felt no such desire. He bored me.
+
+For a play that made pretence to a serious purpose there was far too
+much time thrown away on mere trivialities. At first the exigencies of
+the stage demanded compression. The news of the ultimatum to Germany,
+the mobilisation, the rush to enlist, the attack on Germany's commerce,
+were all stuffed into the space of a few minutes. But the whole of the
+Third Act (laid in the kitchen) was wantonly wasted over the thinnest of
+domestic humour.
+
+There is a light side, thank Heaven, even to war; but Mr. THURSTON had a
+great chance of doing serious good and he has only half used it. I am
+certain (though he may call me a prig for saying it) that if he had set
+himself to serve his country's cause through the great influence which
+the theatre commands, he could have done better work than this; and he
+ought to have done it.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Ambassadors' Theatre is producing a triple bill which includes a
+"miniature revue" entitled _Odds and Ends_. The cost of the production
+may be gathered from the following note in the preliminary
+announcement:--
+
+"N.B.--Mr. C. B. COCHRAN has spared no economy in mounting this Revue."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY GOSSIP.
+
+Among the more notable novels announced for immediate publication is
+_The Man in the Platinum Mask_ by Samson Wolf (Black and Crosswell). By
+a curious and wholly undesigned coincidence the name of the hero is
+ATTILA, while a further touch of actuality is lent to the romance by the
+fact that the author's aunt's first husband fought in the Italian War of
+Independence.
+
+Another story strangely opportune in its title, which was however chosen
+many months ago, is _With Nelson in the North_ by Hector Boffin (Arrow
+and Long-i'-th'-bow). Its appeal to the patriotic reader will be further
+enhanced by the interesting news that the author's wife's maiden name
+was Collingwood, while he himself is a great admirer of HARDY.
+
+The same publishers also announce a Life of ATTILA by Principal
+McTavish, which was completed last March before the name of the
+redoubtable Hun had come so prominently before the public--another
+instance of the intelligent anticipation which is the characteristic of
+the best and most selling _litterateurs_.
+
+Few writers of romance appeal to the generous youth more effectively
+than the Countess Corezeru, from whose exhilarating pen we are promised
+a tale of the Napoleonic era under the engaging title of _The Green
+Dandelion_ (Merry and Bright). The pleasurable expectations of her
+myriad readers will be heightened when they learn the interesting fact
+that the Countess recently visited Constantinople, where such thrilling
+happenings have lately been in progress.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Petrograd correspondent of the 'Mesaggero' telegraphs that the
+    Austro-German Army was yesterday completely defeated in the
+    neighbourhood of Warsaw, and suffered unanimous losses."--_Liverpool
+    Echo._
+
+Carried, in fact, _nem. con._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Boy Scout._ "'XCUSE ME, MUM. 'AV YER SEEN ANY GERMANS
+ABOUT 'ERE?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. V.
+
+(_From ALBERT, King of the Belgians._)
+
+
+SIR,--This comes to you from France. Hospitably received and nobly
+treated by the great and chivalrous French nation I must yet remember
+that I am an exile on a foreign soil, that my country has been laid
+waste and that my people, so laborious, so frugal and so harmless, have
+seen their homes destroyed and have themselves been driven ruthlessly
+forth to cold and hunger and despair.
+
+Yes, your designs on Belgium have been accomplished--for the time. A
+people of sixty-five millions has prevailed against a people of seven
+millions; a great army has overwhelmed a little army; careful schemes
+long since prepared have outmatched a trustfulness which you and your
+Ministers fostered in order that in the dark you might be able to strike
+a felon's blow with safety to yourself. No considerations of honour
+hindered you. Indeed, I do not know how I can bring myself to mention
+that word to one who has acted as you have acted. If I do so it is in
+order that I may tell you that for an Emperor (or any other man) to be
+honourable it is not enough that he should have great possessions,
+glittering silver armour, and armies obedient to their War Lord's
+commands. It is not enough that he should make resounding speeches and
+call God to witness that he is His friend. It is not even enough that he
+should succeed in carrying through his plans, and earn the applause of
+those flatterers who, agreeing with you, believe that an Emperor crowned
+with success and capable of bestowing favours can do no wrong. No, there
+must be something more than this. What that something is I will not
+discuss with you. To do so would be useless, for, since you will never
+possess it, you can never satisfy yourself that I am right.
+
+And even in regard to this "Success" with which you comfort yourself are
+you so perfectly sure of it? How do you feel when you call VON MOLTKE to
+you and question him about the progress of the war?
+
+"How goes it," you say to him, "in the East?" "We hope," he replies, "to
+hold the Russians in check, but they are very numerous and very brave."
+"Presumptuous villains! And in the West?" "In the West the French and
+English," he says, "still bear up against us. They have thrust us back
+day after day." "May they perish! But, at any rate, there is Belgium.
+Yes, we have crushed Belgium and taught the Belgians what it means to
+defy our Majesty." And VON MOLTKE, no doubt, will murmur something that
+may pass for approval and will withdraw from the conference.
+
+I believe you admire SHAKSPEARE. Do you remember what _Macbeth_ says?
+
+    "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well
+    It were done quickly: if th' assassination
+    Could trammel up the consequence, and catch
+    With his surcease, success; that but this blow
+    Might be the be-all and the end-all here."
+
+But that it cannot be. Blows have their consequences, immediate and
+remote. You first, and then your memory, will be stained to all
+generations by this deed of treachery and blood. How have you excused
+it? "With necessity, the tyrant's plea." You had to hack your way
+through, you said, and it was on my people that your battle-axe fell. So
+when Louvain was burnt and its inhabitants were shot down you assured
+the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES that your heart bled for what
+"necessity" had forced you to do. President WILSON is a man of high
+principles and deep feelings. I wonder how he looked and how he felt
+when he read your whimpering appeal.
+
+You have destroyed Belgium, but Belgium will rise again; and, even if
+fate should ordain that Belgium is to be for ever wiped away, so long as
+one Belgian is left alive there will be a heart to execrate you and a
+voice to denounce your deeds.
+
+ALBERT R.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SURPRISE.
+
+A SEQUEL TO "THE CHOICE."
+
+Mr. Julius Bannockburn hung up his hat with a bang and stepped angrily
+into the drawing-room.
+
+Mrs. Bannockburn was comfortably seated in an arm-chair, with the
+tea-table at her side and a fire blazing.
+
+"That's right," she said placidly, ignoring her husband's very obvious
+mental disarray,--"just in time for a cup of tea."
+
+"No tea for me," he said darkly.
+
+"Oh, yes. It'll do you good," she replied, and poured some out.
+
+"By the way, how much do you give for this tea?" Mr. Bannockburn sharply
+inquired.
+
+"Two-and-eight," she replied.
+
+He grunted. "I get excellent tea in the City which retails at two
+shillings a pound," he said. "Better than this."
+
+"Well, dear," said Mrs. Bannockburn, "you don't often have this. This is
+my tea. You prefer Indian."
+
+"And why so many different kinds of cake?" Mr. Bannockburn went on.
+
+"You wouldn't grudge me those?" she answered. "Surely, even with the
+war, little things like that might go on?"
+
+Mr. Bannockburn sent his eyes round the room on a tour of critical
+exploration.
+
+"Yes," he continued, "and how can you do with a fire--at any rate such a
+fire--on a day like this? The room is like an oven." He scowled
+murderously at the innocent flames and opened the window.
+
+"I felt distinctly chilly," said Mrs. Bannockburn. "Besides, a fire is
+so much more cheerful."
+
+"Cheerful!" said Mr. Bannockburn with a snarl. "I'm glad something is
+cheerful."
+
+"My dear," said his wife soothingly, "you're over-worried. You've had a
+hard day at the office. But I've got something to show you that will
+make you happy again." She smiled gaily.
+
+"Happy!" Mr. Bannockburn echoed with abysmal bitterness. "Happy!" He
+groaned.
+
+"Yes, happy," said his wife. "Now drink your tea," she added, "and then
+light a cigar and tell me all about it."
+
+"Cigars!" said. Mr. Bannockburn; "I've done with cigars. At any rate
+with Havanas. We're on the brink of ruin, I tell you."
+
+"Not any longer," said his wife with a little confident laugh. "That's
+all right now. Taking the new name was to settle that, you know."
+
+Mr. Bannockburn was attempting to eat a cake, but at these words he gave
+it up. He struck a match angrily and lit a cigar--a Havana. "Well, what
+is it you want to show me?" he asked.
+
+"The cards," she said. "They look splendid. Here," and she handed a
+visiting-card across the table and drew his attention to the delicate
+copper-plate in which their new name had been inscribed: "Mrs. Julius
+Bannockburn."
+
+Mr. Bannockburn scowled afresh. "How many of these have you ordered?" he
+asked anxiously.
+
+"Five hundred for each of us," she replied. "And they're done. They all
+came this morning."
+
+Mr. Bannockburn groaned again. "What ridiculous haste!" he said. "Where
+was all the hurry?"
+
+Mrs. Bannockburn laughed. "Well, I must say!" she exclaimed. "You to
+complain of things being done quickly! I've done all you told me," she
+continued. "Everything. I sent a notice to the Post Office about the
+telephone directory, telling them to alter the name. I sent to KELLY'S
+about the London Directory. I told all the tradespeople. I got the
+cards. I even went further and ordered a few silver labels for your
+walking-sticks and umbrellas. I thought you would like that."
+
+Mr. Bannockburn puffed at his cigar and said nothing.
+
+"Aren't I a good head clerk?" she went on. "But, after all, when one
+does change one's name it is wise to go right through with it, isn't
+it?"
+
+"Yes," said her husband ominously, "when one does change one's name."
+
+"What do you mean?" Mrs. Bannockburn asked sharply. "Has anything gone
+wrong?"
+
+"Everything," he said. "I've had a notice forbidding changes of name
+altogether. Everyone has had it."
+
+"When did you get it?" his wife inquired with a flutter.
+
+"To-day."
+
+"Then it's all right," she said excitedly. "We made the change several
+days ago."
+
+"Yes," replied her husband, "but the notice goes on to say that everyone
+who has changed since the war began must revert to the name he had
+before the war commenced. You can't get away from that."
+
+"But we paid for it," Mrs. Bannockburn exclaimed. "We paid for it. Why
+did they take our money?"
+
+"They didn't know then," said her lord. "It's only just decided by this
+infernal Government."
+
+Mrs. Bannockburn turned white. "This is terrible," she said. "And how
+unfair! How grossly unfair! It's not as if we were Germans. I'm not a
+German at all, and you are merely a German's son, and British to the
+core. Of course they'll give the money back?"
+
+"It says nothing about that," replied the Briton.
+
+"How very unlike England!" she said.
+
+"Yes," he agreed; "but the point is, apart from the horrible expense of
+it all, that here we are, saddled with a name which is bound to keep
+customers away and which we thought we had got rid of for ever. It's
+horrible. It's wrong. It's a shame." He paced the room furiously.
+
+Mrs. Bannockburn--or, as we now should say, Mrs. Blumenbach--looked in
+the fire for a few moments in silence. "Well," she said at last, "we
+must make the best of it, I suppose; we're not paupers anyway, and
+things are never so bad as one fears. After all, we haven't been to so
+very much expense. A few cards and so forth. You, dear, can hardly have
+spent a penny over it."
+
+"Eh," said Mr. Blumenbach sharply--"what?"
+
+"I said that the cost to which we have gone since we changed our name is
+very trifling," his wife repeated. "You yourself have been put to no
+expense at all, except perhaps office paper."
+
+Mr. Blumenbach looked suspiciously at her and resumed his walk. "No,
+no," he said; "that's fortunate certainly."
+
+At this moment a servant entered bringing the post, which included a
+long roll of paper addressed to "Mrs. Julius Bannockburn."
+
+"I wonder what this can be," she remarked as she reached for a
+paper-knife.
+
+Her husband snatched it and held it behind him. "Oh, I know all about
+that," he said; "it's a mistake. It's meant for me, not you."
+
+"But it's addressed to me," said his wife. "Please let me have it."
+
+Mr. Blumenbach for a moment flashed lightning. "Oh, all right," he said,
+"take it. I might as well confess to my folly, and, after all, I did it
+as a pleasant surprise for you, even though it's a failure. But I heard
+about some heraldic fellow, and I got him to draw me up a Bannockburn
+pedigree. A Scotch one, you know. I was going to have it framed in the
+hall. Burn the thing without looking at it."
+
+"Was it--was it--very expensive?" his wife asked tremblingly.
+
+"Fifty pounds," he said, half in pride at his own recklessness and half
+as though having a tooth out.
+
+"Fifty pounds!" Mrs. Blumenbach moaned, and burst into tears.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Lady (diligent reader of spy articles and exposures of
+Anglo-German businesses) to alien window-cleaner._ "LOOK HERE: YOU
+NEEDN'T COME ANY MORE."
+
+_Window Cleaner._ "ENDIRELY BRIDISCH GOMBANY, LADY."
+
+_Lady._ "YES, I DARESAY. BUT FOR ALL I KNOW YOU MIGHT BE PART OF THE
+FLOWER OF THE GERMAN ARMY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I can imagine the feelings of a romantic maiden who, prone to choose her
+novels by title, has set down on her library list _The Price of Love_
+(METHUEN), and finds herself landed with one of Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT'S
+intimate little guides to "Bursley" and the four other drab towns. And
+yet if she will set her teeth and read the first fifty pages without
+skipping she will discover that she is being let into real secrets of
+real human hearts; that handsome _Rachel_ (penniless companion to a
+benign old lady), and her debonair _Louis_ (who somehow never can run
+straight where money is concerned), are becoming known to her as she
+knows few, if any, of her friends; and that, because known, they are
+extraordinarily interesting. She will see _Rachel_ drawn out of the
+haven of her staunch and critical common sense by her infatuation for
+_Louis_; threatened by the shipwreck of despair when she realises his
+weakness and her irrevocable mistake, and again putting into a new
+harbour of determination to pay the price of her love and make the best
+of things. And I should not be altogether surprised if even our romantic
+library-subscriber finds the next live-happily-ever-after story a little
+flat by comparison. For there is no doubt that Mr. BENNETT has some
+uncanny power of realising the conflict of human souls, and that there
+is an astonishingly adroit method in his mania for unimportant and
+unromantic detail. I refuse altogether to accept as adequate (or
+appropriate) his explanations of the adventures of the banknotes on the
+night of their disappearance, but I am grateful for every word and
+incident of this enchanting chronicle and for the portrait of _Rachel_
+in particular.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Modern Pig-Sticking_ (MACMILLAN) is a book that, appearing at this
+particular moment, has an air of detachment not without its own charm.
+Chiefly, of course, it appeals to a special and limited public--a
+public, moreover, that is at present too busy to give it the attention
+that it would otherwise command. Certainly Major A. E. WARDROP'S
+spirited pages deserve to rank with the best that has been written about
+this sport. As one frankly ignorant, I was myself astonished to find how
+considerable a body is this literature. As for the gallant Major's own
+contribution, it is sufficiently well-written to make tales of sporting
+feats and adventures interesting to the outsider. Which is saying a lot.
+At the same time his sense of humour is sufficiently strong to save
+enthusiasm from becoming oppressive. Certainly he loves his theme, as I
+suppose a good pig-sticker should. "To see hog and hunter charge each
+other bald-headed with a simultaneous squeal of rage is," he says
+youthfully, "always delightful." It is all, in these more strenuous
+times, most refreshing and even a little wistful in its _naivete_. The
+honest and brave gentlemen whose exploits it records are about another
+kind of pig-sticking now. One hopes that practice with the Indian
+variety may help them in their chase of the Uhlan road-hog. Here's power
+to their spears!
+
+For all his good humour, Mr. PETT RIDGE can say a hard thing now and
+then about humanity in general and point it with a touch of startling
+sarcasm. Possibly it is this combination which makes him the favourite
+author he is. While we get tired of the harsh satirist who is always up
+against us, and pay little attention to his teaching, we not only profit
+by the occasional home truths of the genial humourist, but thoroughly
+enjoy hearing them. Certainly it is not Mr. RIDGE'S plots which so
+attract everybody, including myself. _The Happy Recruit_ (METHUEN) might
+as well (or even better) have been plotless. There is the central
+figure, _Carl Siemens_, who comes to England from abroad in his youth
+and has an unremarkable career, and there is a mysterious and rather
+tiresome trunk which is mentioned from time to time and finally opened;
+but apart from these the book is but a collection of little episodes
+more or less about the same people, the _Maynard_ family in particular.
+It is not the story that lends the charm but the people who come into
+it, that upper-lower section of Londoners whose little peculiarities of
+thought, word and deed Mr. Ridge so perfectly understands. Through their
+mouths he utters his truest sayings, and they make his books always
+worth reading. It should be added that this one has nothing to do with
+present warfare; it is antedated by a reign and a half. In this the
+title is misleading, for there are so many recruits about nowadays and
+all of them are happy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+After reading Messrs. HUTCHINSON'S announcement that the critics
+describe Mr. F. BANCROFT as the most remarkable South African novelist
+now at work, I searched for a talent that was too successfully hidden
+for my finding. I was on the track of it two or three times, and once at
+least the scent was so hot that I thought the quarry was mine; but it
+got away. With _Dalliance and Strife_ the author completes a trilogy
+upon the Boer War, but here we are given too much flirtation and too
+little fighting. His liberality in the matter of heroines compensates me
+not at all for his niggard accounts of the war. That he himself should
+apparently take more interest in dalliance than in strife seems to
+indicate sheer perversity, for, when once he has ceased to toy with
+tennis-teas and trivialities, it is possible to respect the opinions of
+those admiring critics even if it is impossible to agree with them. The
+little fighting and the few whiffs of the veldt that we are given come
+as welcome reliefs to the rather stuffy atmosphere that Mr. BANCROFT has
+been at such pains to create. The British officer in his hours of
+dalliance is in his hands merely a figure of fun, but the militant Boer
+in field and camp is a faithful picture, so faithful, indeed, when
+contrasted with the other, that it leaves me astounded at such a
+combination of skill and futility.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Germaine Damien_ was a little girl with considerable force of
+character. Having been told by a Socialist shoemaker that Squires were a
+mistake, she endeavoured to correct this error by driving a large knife
+into the first specimen of the race whom she met. This was _Miles
+Burnside_, a decent young man enough, and one obviously qualifying to be
+the hero of the story. So that when, quite early in its course,
+_Germaine_ caught him asleep and apparently left him dead with a dagger
+in his heart, I was for a little time considerably puzzled as to how
+Mrs. BAILLIE REYNOLDS was going to get on with her tale. However, I need
+not have worried. Of course _Miles_ was not dead; indeed the last six
+words of the book tell you that "His smile was good to see." And
+naturally he wouldn't have been smiling like that if he had not been
+enfolding the heroine in his strong arms. But before this happy moment
+we had a lot to get through. _Miles_ on recovery had told the properly
+apologetic _Germaine_ that she must never, never let anybody else know
+about the dagger business, and she said she wouldn't. Personally, if I
+had been _Germaine_, I should have done the same. Later in life,
+reflecting upon this injunction, and discovering that her grandfather
+had also killed a man, _Germaine_ got it into her head that the habit
+was inherited, and the idea worried her quite dreadfully. This, I
+suppose, is why her story is called _The Cost of A Promise_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON). Eventually, however, when the thing had gone on long enough
+and the revelation of her secret had scared away a superfluous rival,
+_Miles_ informed her that her grandfather's record was (forgive me!) not
+germane to the matter, and that she was as sane as anybody in the story.
+M'yes. But Mrs. REYNOLDS has done better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "IT 'TAIN'T 'ARF FINE TER BE A GENERAL, COS 'E CAN CALL A
+BLOKE 'POODEN FICE,' AN' 'AVE 'IM SHOT IF 'E SORCES 'IM BACK."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILHELM.
+
+  "No good thing comes from out of Kaiserland,"
+    Says Phyllis; but beside the fire I note
+    One Wilhehm, sleek in tawny gold of coat,
+  Most satin-smooth to the caresser's hand.
+
+  A velvet mien; an eye of amber, full
+    Of that which keeps the faith with us for life;
+    Lover of meal-times; hater of yard-dog strife;
+  Lordly, with silken ears most strokeable.
+
+  Familiar on the hearth, refuting her,
+    He sits, the antic-pawed, the proven friend,
+    The whimsical, the grave and reverend--
+  Wilhelm the Dachs from out of Hanover.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are surprised to hear of police constables being accepted for service
+abroad in view of the ban on the export of copper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Austrians are being urged to send newspapers to the front to serve as
+chest-protectors for the troops. If possible the papers should be
+German, as these lie best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+147, October 21, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OCTOBER 21, 1914 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 28382.txt or 28382.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/3/8/28382/
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+Team at https://www.pgdp.net
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