diff options
Diffstat (limited to '28360-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/28360-h.htm | 2284 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/309.png | bin | 0 -> 76822 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/311.png | bin | 0 -> 208603 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/313.png | bin | 0 -> 155587 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/314.png | bin | 0 -> 75494 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/315.png | bin | 0 -> 100341 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/317a.png | bin | 0 -> 122845 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/317b.png | bin | 0 -> 117275 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/318.png | bin | 0 -> 93448 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/319.png | bin | 0 -> 208926 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/321.png | bin | 0 -> 65903 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/322.png | bin | 0 -> 122341 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/323.png | bin | 0 -> 121598 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/325.png | bin | 0 -> 89060 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/327.png | bin | 0 -> 102912 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 28360-h/images/328.png | bin | 0 -> 184231 bytes |
16 files changed, 2284 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/28360-h/28360-h.htm b/28360-h/28360-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a209c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/28360-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2284 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, October 14, 1914, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + td {padding-left: 1em;} + td.note {text-align: left;font-size: 0.9em; font-weight: normal; border: 1px dashed; padding: 1em;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:25%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .regards {text-align: right; + margin-right: 4em;} + + .salute {text-align: left; + margin-left: 2em;} + + hr.pg { width: 100%; + margin-top: 0em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + border: solid black; + height: 5px; } + pre {font-size: 75%; } + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +October 14, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, October 14, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 19, 2009 [EBook #28360] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Neville Allen, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1> PUNCH,<br /> OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOLUME 147.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>October 14, 1914.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>Strong drinks have now been prohibited all over Russia, and it looks as +if Germany is not the only country whose future lies on the water.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Rumour has it that Germany is not too pleased with Austria's +achievements in the War, and there has been in consequence not a little +Potsdam-and-Perlmuttering between the two.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"When the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> goes to places beyond the railway," we are told, "he +travels in a motor-car which, besides being accompanied by aides-de-camp +and bodyguards, is also watched by special secret field police." We are +glad to learn that every precaution is taken to prevent his escape.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> once desired to be known as "The Peace King." His eldest son, +to judge by his alleged burglarious exploits, now wishes to be known as +the <span class="sc">Charles Peace</span> Prince.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is said that Major <span class="sc">von Manteuffel</span>, who superintended the destruction +of Louvain, has been recalled. We presume he will have to explain why he +left the Town Hall standing.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We still have to go to Germany for news about our own country. The +latest reliable report is to the effect that there is now serious +friction between <span class="sc">King George</span> and Lord <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>, the former having +become alarmed at the raising of "Kitchener's Army." The <span class="sc">War Minister</span>, +the <span class="sc">King</span> fears, is aiming at the throne, and it is now being recalled +that Lord <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>, when a young man, was once told by a soothsayer, "K +stands for King."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We learn from <i>The Daily Call</i> that, in proportion to the number of its +inhabitants, Bâle is the richest city in Europe. The Swiss, we fancy, +will scarcely thank our contemporary for drawing attention to this fact +in view of the well-known cupidity of a certain neighbour of theirs.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There is a proposal on foot to form a corps of Solicitors. By a pretty +legal touch it is suggested that they might train between six and eight.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><i>The Daily News</i> the other day, in describing the fortunate escape of a +midshipman from the <i>Cressy</i>, told its readers that, when pulled out of +the water, the cadet "was not wearing a single garment. He was provided +with clothes and eventually put on a British destroyer." While his +choice of covering does credit to the young gentleman's spirit, we think +he would have done better to put on the clothes.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A naturalisation certificate has been granted to that clever English +authoress, the Countess <span class="sc">Arnim</span>. We congratulate Elizabeth on escaping +from "her German Garden."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Few people," says <i>The Witney Gazette</i>, "are familiar with the history +and resources of Belgium." How true this is may be seen from our +contemporary's next statement:—"A large section of its population +consists of a race known as the Walloons, the ancient descendants of the +Belgians."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Father," asked the actor's little son, "why does the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> wear a +helmet with an eagle on the top of it?" "To show that he's 'got the +bird,'" replied the brilliant Thespian.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>By the way, the statement that "The <span class="sc">Tsar</span> has left for the theatre of +war" has caused the keenest satisfaction in histrionic circles, where it +is hoped that this illustrious example will cause the fashionable world +to revert to its habit of patronising the stage.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>General <span class="sc">von Stein</span>, who was responsible for the German official +<i>communiqués</i>, has, we learn from the German Press, been superseded. +Evidently he did not chronicle sufficient victories. The German public, +when it asks for <i>Brod</i>, does not care to get a <i>Stein</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>An overheard conversation: "I see that both you and your wife have sent +blankets to the soldiers." "Yes. She sent mine, so I sent hers."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A dear old lady who read about the theft of an Italian submarine last +week writes to say that she hopes that the police are keeping an eye on +our <i>Dreadnoughts</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Adsit omen!</h4> + +<center> +Take its "capital" from Prussia—<br /> +You reduce the thing to Russia! +</center> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p>"Perversely enough, whilst Ora's husband was a commonplace though +intelligent attorney, Ora was married to a Montana mine-owner."</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author"><i>Books of To-day.</i></p> + +<p>This was very perverse of Ora. She might at least have waited till her +first husband had ceased to be an attorney.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><i>Gentlemen who are losing their employment owing to the War</i>:—1. The +German Colonial Secretary.</blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote>"Identifying battles with rivers is very confusing to the reader who +is not well acquainted with the geography of a little-known part of +Europe. It misleads thousands when the Aisne is mentioned, and it is +even more misleading when the river Victula comes into the +reckoning."</blockquote> + +<p class="author"><i>Birmingham Daily Post.</i></p> + +<p>This is quite true.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/309.png"> +<img src="images/309.png" width="100%" alt="Study of a veteran" /></a> +<p><span class="sc">Study of a veteran who has sent all his blankets to +Kitchener's Army and never slept better in his life.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Rates for Zeppelins.</h4> + +<p>"During the last few days," we learn, "a good many insurances have been +effected at Lloyd's on properties in London against the risk of damage +by Zeppelins." The premium accepted on banks appears to be about one +shilling per cent. But why insure banks? For our own part we would very +gladly take refuge in one of their strong rooms at the first sight of a +hovering Zeppelin.</p> + +<p>After consultation with our insurance expert, who has carefully +considered the past record of German aircraft operating over undefended +cities, we now have pleasure in submitting a special scale of insurance +rates which ought to meet the needs of the public. Lloyd's are welcome +to it should they care to adopt it as it stands:—</p> + +<table summary="Insurance rates"> +<tr><td>Hospitals</td><td>£5 %</td><td> per annum.</td></tr> +<tr><td>Dogs</td><td>2/11</td><td> " "</td></tr> +<tr><td>Cats, chickens and canaries</td><td>2/9 </td><td> " "</td></tr> +<tr><td>Lamp-posts</td><td>1/1</td><td> " "</td></tr> +<tr><td>Lord Mayors </td><td> <i>Nil</i></td><td> " "</td></tr> +</table><br /> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span> + +<h2>THOMAS OF THE LIGHT HEART.</h2> + +<p>[<i>"The Cologne Gazette" tells us that we are lacking in understanding of +the high seriousness of the war; that we use sporting expressions about +it. "The Times," referring to this criticism, points out that, though we +do not pretend, like the Germans, to make a religion of war, our +sporting instinct at least enables us to recognise that to draw the +sword on women and children is "not cricket."</i>]</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Facing the guns, he jokes as well</p> +<p class="i2">As any Judge upon the Bench;</p> +<p class="i0">Between the crash of shell and shell</p> +<p class="i2">His laughter rings along the trench;</p> +<p class="i0">He seems immensely tickled by a</p> +<p class="i0">Projectile which he calls a "Black Maria."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">At intervals, when work is slack,</p> +<p class="i2">He kicks a leather ball about;</p> +<p class="i0">Recalls old tales of wing and back,</p> +<p class="i2">The Villa's rush, the Rovers' rout;</p> +<p class="i0">Or lays a tanner to a pup</p> +<p class="i0">On Albion (not "perfidious") for the Cup.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">He whistles down the day-long road,</p> +<p class="i2">And, when the chilly shadows fall</p> +<p class="i0">And heavier hangs the weary load,</p> +<p class="i2">Is he down-hearted? Not at all.</p> +<p class="i0">'Tis then he takes a light and airy</p> +<p class="i0">View of the tedious route to Tipperary.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">His songs are not exactly hymns;</p> +<p class="i2">He never learned them in the choir;</p> +<p class="i0">And yet they brace his dragging limbs</p> +<p class="i2">Although they miss the sacred fire;</p> +<p class="i0">Although his choice and cherished gems</p> +<p class="i0">Do not include "The Watch upon the Thames,"</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">He takes to fighting as a game;</p> +<p class="i2">He does no talking, through his hat,</p> +<p class="i0">Of holy missions; all the same</p> +<p class="i2">He has his faith—be sure of that;</p> +<p class="i0">He'll not disgrace his sporting breed,</p> +<p class="i0">Nor play what isn't cricket. There's his creed.</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="author">O.S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IN A GOOD CAUSE.</h2> + +<p><i>Mr. Punch</i> ventures to ask the help of his gentle readers on behalf of +the Women's League of Service, who are daily giving dinners in various +districts of London to expectant and nursing mothers, of whom many have +husbands serving with the colours. It is our hope that out of the +present war may come, for those who follow us, a happy freedom from the +menace of war; but our sacrifices will be in vain if no care is taken of +the mothers who are bearing children to-day. Among the poorer class, the +last person in the family to be fed is always the mother. <i>Mr. Punch</i> +invites those who have the welfare of the new generation at heart to +send gifts in aid of this national work to Mr. Dudley Cocke, 44, Gresham +Street, E.C.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>More Looting by the Kaiser's Family?</h4> + +<blockquote>"Prince Joachim, the Kaiser's youngest son ... was met at the +railway station by his mother, who pointed proudly to the +second-class altar cross on her son's breast."—</blockquote> +<p class="author"><i>Eastern Daily Press.</i></p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>The American Touch.</h4> + +<blockquote>"Great steel plates have been fixed about the ceilings and walls of +a room which now shelters the famous Venus D. Milo."</blockquote> + +<p class="author"><i>Toronto Daily Star.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.</h2> + +<center>No. IV.</center><br /> + +<center>(<i>From <span class="sc">Dietrich Q. Friedlicher</span>, an American Citizen.</i>)</center> + +<p><span class="sc">Kaiser Wilhelm</span>,—I've been hearing no end during the last month or two +about German efforts to capture American opinion. It seems you think us +a poor sort of creatures unable to find out for ourselves the right way +of things. You've been measuring our people up and you've got a kind of +fancy that we're running about our continent with our eyes staring and +our mouths gaping and our poor silly tongues wagging, and that we're +busy collecting thoughts from one another about this war in Europe so we +shan't look ignorant when we read what other countries are doing. "See +here," I'm supposed to be saying as I go around,—"see here! What's this +Belgium, anyway, and how in thunder does she come to stand out agin the +great German army? And why are the Germans knocking Belgium to flinders +and shooting her citizens? Ain't the Germans Christians? Ain't their +soldiers generous and their officers merciful? Well then, it kinder +puzzles me to see the way they're getting to work. It's no wonder the +Belgian is set agin them. They're a little lot, them Belgians are, and +it's a queer thing, ain't it, that they should make all this trouble? +But I dunno. Maybe, there's something to be said for 'em if we only +knew. Then there's the English. They say they're fighting for freedom +this time, and maybe they're right to stick to their word and back up +their treaties. But it don't seem very clear as far as I can size it up. +Won't some kind gentleman come along and give me the true story?"</p> + +<p>That's what I'm supposed to be saying, and you thought you heard me all +the way from Potsdam, and you took a good deep think, and "Bless me," +you said, "it's ten thousand pities to let old man Friedlicher go along +with his mind empty when there's a heap of good German opinions lying +around just asking to be put into it. I'll cable <span class="sc">Bernstorff</span> to fill him +up." So there's poor <span class="sc">Bernstorff</span> turning himself inside out to please you +and educate me. Don't he prove a lot? From 9 to 10 he lectures about +Germany's love for America and the beautiful statue of <span class="sc">Frederick the +Great</span> at Annapolis; from 10 to 11 he socks it into England—says she's a +robber power and blacker'n any of the niggers she hires to do her +fighting for her; from 11 to 12 he settles Russia by calling her a +barbarian Empire; and from 12 to 1 he tells me how Germany's burning +Belgium for Belgium's good; and then he dismisses me and says, if I'll +come back to-morrow morning, he'll pitch me a story about the French +peril, and how Germany can help America to escape it.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, it's no good. My father was a German, and he knew your lot, and +he used to tell me all he knew. He had to quit Prussia pretty quick +after 1848—that's the year your great-uncle had to take off his hat to +the citizens of Berlin, and your venerable grandfather had to pay a +visit to England, German air not being good for his health. I know all +that there is to be known about you. I don't want any <span class="sc">Bernstorff</span>, no, +nor yet any <span class="sc">Dernburg</span>, to tell me why this fight's fighting and to +explain the Belgian wickedness to me. You and your blamed professors and +soldiers, you've all been spoiling for war these ten years past, and now +that you've got it you're out to tell the Americans that the other +fellows drove you into it. All I've got to say is, I don't believe +it—and what's more, no sensible American believes it either. That's all +there is to it.</p> + +<p class="regards"> Yours sincerely,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Dietrich</span>.</p> + +<hr /><br /> + +<p>Motto for the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> (reported as having been last seen at Cologne): +"East, West, hame's best."</p><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/311.png"> +<img src="images/311.png" width="100%" alt="A NORTH SEA CHANTEY" /></a> +<h4>A NORTH SEA CHANTEY.</h4> +<h3>(<i>To the tune of "Tipperary."</i>)</h3> +<p><span class="sc">Jack.</span> "IT'S A LONG, LONG WAIT FOR WILLIAM'S NAVY.<br /> BUT MY HEART'S RIGHT +HERE."</p> +</div> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/313.png"> +<img src="images/313.png" width="100%" alt="What in thunder have you been doing" /></a><br /> +<p><i>Officer.</i> "<span class="sc">What in thunder have you been doing all the +morning? This leather's not dressed; there's mud on it still!</span>"</p> +<p><i>Recruit (ex-Cyclist).</i> "<span class="sc">Sorry, Sir, but I've spent most of my time +polishing the pedals.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>RENAMED CELEBRITIES.</h2> + +<p>Since the publication of the manifesto in our columns signed by a large +number of eminent men who announced their intention of divesting +themselves of the un-Christian name of William, matters have moved far +and fast. Many of these gentlemen have already, in obedience to the +dictates of logic, assumed a new style, as may be gathered from the +following messages which the Press Bureau, without accepting +responsibility for them, graciously permits us to reproduce:—</p> + +<p>The Reverend <span class="sc">William Spooner</span>, the revered Warden of New College, Oxford, +writes to say that, in deference to the unanimous desire of the +graduates and undergraduates of the College, he has decided to be known +in future as the Reverend Peter Spooner, as a tribute to the Kinquering +Cong of Serbia.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">William (Wullie) Park</span>, the famous professional golfer, has decided +to assume the prænomen of Pinkstone (after Sir <span class="sc">John Denton Pinkstone +French</span>), and is already known amongst his intimates as "Pinkie."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">William Le Queux</span> has by a special deed poll assumed the title of +George Albert Nicolas Victor-Emmanuel Raymond Woodrow Le Queux, but for +literary purposes will briefly sign himself "Alb."</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">William de Morgan</span>, the famous novelist, as the son of <span class="sc">Augustus de +Morgan</span>, has happily hit on the idea of renaming himself Marcellus de +Morgan. But he is anxious to have it clearly understood that this does +not involve him in any claim to the authorship of <i>Marcella</i>.</p> + +<p>A communication has been received by the Editor of <i>The Spiritualist</i> +from <span class="sc">William Shakspeare</span>, announcing his unalterable resolve to change +his Christian name because of the posthumous discredit attached to it by +the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>. Asked what he proposed to substitute for it, the Bard +created a prodigious sensation by announcing that he thought Francis +would do as well as anything else.</p> + +<p>Sir <span class="sc">William Job Collins</span>, equally renowned in the spheres of politics and +medicine, has promptly recognised the impossibility of continuing to +wear a name which has been indelibly tarnished by the arch-disturber of +Europe's peace. He has accordingly elected to replace his first two +names by the ingenious and harmonious collocation of Thomas Habakkuk.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Harold Begbie</span> writes to explain that, though his first name is not +William, it has painful historical associations with the success of a +former William. He therefore wishes it to be known that he will sign all +his articles, interviews and poems with the name Oliver Lodge David +Lloyd George Begbie, as an act of homage to the two great men who have +chiefly inspired him in his journalistic and literary career.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Copy of letter to teacher:—</h4> + +<blockquote><p>"Dear Sir, will you please give my daughter a dinner, as she has no +father and I have no means of getting her one, and oblodge."</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<center>V.</center> + +<p>Dear Charles,—You must forgive my writing this letter with a fountain +pen, but to do otherwise would be an act of ingratitude to my servant, +Private <span class="sc">J. B. Cox</span>. I told him this morning that I had lost my pocket +pen, a cheap affair made of tin. I instructed him to find it, and J. B. +is one of those perfect factotums who do as they are told. He has a +sharp eye and no scruples, and so, owing to the fact that three other +officers live in my billet, he was able to find two valuable fountain +pens and one stylographic in no time. The exigencies of war necessitate +some little irregularity now and then; but how, I asked him, did he +justify this excess of zeal? J. B. is distinguished by a lisp among +other things. "It'th betht to be on the thafe thide, Thir," said he.</p> + +<p>We had an all-night outpost job on this week, at which my company +achieved an unpremeditated success—unpremeditated by the authorities, +that is. Before setting out we had been threatened with the heaviest +penalties if we were discovered at any moment in a dereliction of duty, +which meant that the Adjutant proposed to pay us a surprise visit and +had every hope of discovering responsible officers asleep at their +posts. Those who know will tell you that the hour before dawn is that +during which an attack is most likely in real war; they also assert that +this is the most likely period for derelictions in imitation war, and +so, as we anticipated all along, this was the time selected for the +surprise visit. But we were not caught napping, Sir; every possible +approach to our picket was protected by strong groups, each instructed +to let no one pass on any account and least of all those who attempted +to trick them by a pretence of authority, however realistic that +pretence might be. Thus it fell out that when the Adjutant was sighted +he was instantly accosted and firmly apprehended. Inasmuch as he refused +to be led blindfold through our lines, he was not allowed to approach +our august selves at all, but was retained until such time as we cared +to approach him. Mind you, I'm not saying we were asleep; merely I show +you how thoroughly we do our work. It is not mine that is the master +mind; it is my skipper's, a man upon whose ready cunning I rely to bring +me to Berlin and its choicest light beer well in advance of all other +victorious forces.</p> + +<p>It used to be our Brigadier's fad that officers commanding companies +should know the names of all their men, and lately he took upon himself +to test it. Captain after captain, upon being asked to name a selected +man, had to confess ignorance; not so my skipper. He knew them all. +"What is that man's name?" asked the Brigadier, indicating an +inconspicuous and rather terrified private, just that sort of man whose +name one would never know or want to know. (It was something rather like +Postlethwaite, I believe). "Two paces forward, Private Johnson," ordered +my skipper emphatically, fixing an hypnotic eye on the youth, and +adding, to prove his accuracy, "Now, my lad, your name's Joh——?" +"——nson, Sir," concluded the victim. That night, at dinner, the +Brigadier told the C.O. that, among many disappointments, he had found +one officer who seemed to know the names of his men "almost better than +the men did themselves." In accordance with J. B.'s maxim about being on +the safe side, it was a company order afterwards that, when asked, all +even numbers were to be "Evans" and odd numbers "Hodges," till further +notice.</p> + +<p>Talking about names, I was quite homesick for old London when, in +calling the names and regimental numbers of a party, I found myself +bawling angrily for "Gerrard, No. 2784."</p> + +<p>Catering, as we do, for all tastes, we have in our rank and file a +serio-comic artiste from the lower rungs of the music-hall ladder. We +had a busy time with him at our Great Inoculation Ceremony (First +Performance) on Saturday. We could not put too strict a discipline upon +men into whose arms we were just about to insert fifteen million +microbes apiece, and our private was not slow to seize his opportunity. +He insisted upon his fifteen million being numbered off in order to +discover whether there were any of them absent from parade; he wished to +know if they had all their proper equipment, and whether each had passed +his standard test. As the needle was inserted into his arm, "Move to the +left in fours," he ordered them; "form fours—left—in succession of +divisions—number one leading—quick-ma-harch." (It was the same +humorist who recently took a strong line about protective colouring, and +put in an application for a set of khaki teeth.)</p> + +<p>At the moment of inoculation we were all, officers and men, very +facetious and off-hand about it, but as the evening came on we grew +<i>piano</i>, even miserable. Mess was not made any less sombre by +Wentworth's plaintive observation that "the doctor who had succeeded in +making a thousand of us thoroughly ill and debarred us from the cheering +influence of alcohol was probably at that very moment himself enjoying a +hearty debauch."</p> + +<p>The only effect of the dose upon me was to induce a rather morbid +contemplation. I recalled the happy times when I was once, even as you +are, a barrister who rose at 8.30 <span class="sc">A.M.</span> (an incredibly late hour), did +next to nothing all day and, when I wanted to go away, just went. I used +in those gentle days to take off my hat to ladies (a long-forgotten +habit), and I never dreamed of calling anybody "Sir." I used to suppose +that I should rise from stuff to silk, from silk to ermine, to conclude +as a Judge on the King's Bench. It seems now that I may rise from stars +to crowns, from crowns to oakleaves, and end my days as a commissionaire +in—who knows?—His Majesty's <i>foyer</i>. I, who had hoped to dismiss your +appeals, may come instead to hail your taxi at the theatre door; may +even come to call <i>you</i> "Sir." But for the moment I am</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours thoroughly disrespectfully,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Henry</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/314.png"> +<img src="images/314.png" width="100%" alt="THE WAR ON GERMAN COMMERCE" /></a> +<h4>THE WAR ON GERMAN COMMERCE.</h4> +<p>"We are glad to hear, Mr. Wilton, that you have volunteered for active +service. We are proud to know that you are ready to do your duty as a +Briton. We shall be pleased to keep your place open for you during your +absence. And, Mr. Wilton, you might take a few thousand of our circulars +in your knapsack to be distributed among the enemy in the regrettable +event of your being taken prisoner."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/315.png"> +<img src="images/315.png" width="100%" alt="RURAL LIFE UNDER WAR CONDITIONS" /></a> +<h4>RURAL LIFE UNDER WAR CONDITIONS</h4> +<h5><span class="sc">Our village errand-boy</span>.</h5> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE TRAITOR.</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Down with the Teutons!" rose the people's cry;</p> +<p class="i2">"Who said that England's honour was for sale?"</p> +<p class="i0">Myself, I hunted out the local spy,</p> +<p class="i2">Tore down his pole and cast him into jail.</p> +<p class="i0">"An English barber now," said I, "or none!</p> +<p class="i0">This thatch shall never fall before a Hun!"</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And all was well until that fateful morn</p> +<p class="i2">When, truss'd for shearing in a stranger's shop,</p> +<p class="i0">"Be careful, please," I said, "I want it shorn</p> +<p class="i2">Close round the ears, but leave it long on top;"</p> +<p class="i0">And, thrilling with a pleasant pride of race,</p> +<p class="i0">I watched the fellow's homely British face.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">An optimist he was. "Those German brutes,</p> +<p class="i2">They'll get wot for. You mark my words," he said,</p> +<p class="i0">And dragged great chunks of hair out by the roots,</p> +<p class="i2">Forgetting mine was not a German head.</p> +<p class="i0">"Oh, yes, they'll get it in the neck," said he</p> +<p class="i0">And gaily emphasized his prophecy.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Ah me, that ruthless Britisher! He scored</p> +<p class="i2">His parallel entrenchments round and round</p> +<p class="i0">My quivering scalp. "Invade us 'ere?" he roared;</p> +<p class="i2">"Not bloomin' likely! Not on British ground!"</p> +<p class="i0">His nimble scissors left a row of scars</p> +<p class="i0">To point the prowess of our gallant Tars.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I bore it without movement, save a start</p> +<p class="i2">Induc'd by one shrewd gash behind the ear.</p> +<p class="i0">With silent fortitude I watch'd him part</p> +<p class="i2">The ruin on my skull. And then a tear,</p> +<p class="i0">A fat, round tear, well'd up from either eye—</p> +<p class="i0">O traitorous tribute to the local spy!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>JULES FRANÇOIS.</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Jules François is poet, and gallant and gay;</p> +<p class="i0">Jules François makes frocks in the Rue de la Paix;</p> +<p class="i0">Since the mobilisation Jules François's the one</p> +<p class="i0">That sits by the breech of a galloping gun,</p> +<p class="i10">In the team of a galloping gun!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">When the wheatfields of August stood white on the plain</p> +<p class="i0">Jules François was ordered to go to Lorraine,</p> +<p class="i0">Since the guns would get flirting with good Mr. <span class="sc">Krupp</span></p> +<p class="i0">And wanted Jules François to limber them up,</p> +<p class="i10">To lay and to limber them up!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The road it was dusty, the road it was long,</p> +<p class="i0">But there was Jules François to make you a song;</p> +<p class="i0">He sang them a song, and he fondled his gun,</p> +<p class="i0">Though I wouldn't translate it he sang it A1;</p> +<p class="i10">His battery thought it A1!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The morning was fresh and the morning was cool</p> +<p class="i0">When they stopped in an orchard two miles out of Toul,</p> +<p class="i0">And the grey muzzles spat through the grey muzzles' smoke,</p> +<p class="i0">And there was Jules François to make you a joke,</p> +<p class="i10">To crack his idea of a joke:—</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"The road to our Paris 'tis hard as can be;</p> +<p class="i0">The road to that London he halts at the sea;</p> +<p class="i0">So, <i>vois-tu, mon gars</i>? 'tis as certain as sin</p> +<p class="i0">This wisdom that chooses the road to Berlin!"</p> +<p class="i10">So they follow the road to Berlin.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span> + +<h2>ENTER BINGO.</h2> + +<p>Before I introduce Bingo I must say a word for Humphrey, his sparring +partner.</p> + +<p>Humphrey found himself on the top of my stocking last December—put +there, I fancy, by Celia, though she says it was Father Christmas. He is +a small yellow dog, with glass optics, and the label round his neck +said, "His eyes move." When I had finished the oranges and sweets and +nuts, when Celia and I had pulled the crackers, Humphrey remained over +to sit on the music-stool, with the air of one playing the pianola. In +this position he found his uses. There are times when a husband may +legitimately be annoyed; at these times it was pleasant to kick Humphrey +off his stool on to the divan, to stand on the divan and kick him on to +the sofa, to stand on the sofa and kick him on to the book-case; and +then, feeling another man, to replace him on the music-stool and +apologise to Celia. It was thus that he lost his tail.</p> + +<p>When the War broke out we wrote to the War Office, offering to mobilise +Humphrey. Already he could do "Eyes <i>right</i>, eyes <i>front</i>." But the loss +of his tail was against him. Rejected by the medical authorities as +unfit, he returned to the music-stool and waited for a job. It was at +this moment that Bingo joined the establishment.</p> + +<p>Here we say good-bye to Humphrey for the present; Bingo claims our +attention. Bingo arrived as an absurd little black tub of puppiness, +warranted (by a pedigree as long as your arm) to grow into a Pekinese. +It was Celia's idea to call him Bingo; because (a ridiculous reason) as +a child she had had a poodle called Bingo. The less said about poodles +the better; why rake up the past?</p> + +<p>"If there is the slightest chance of Bingo—of this animal growing up +into a poodle," I said, "he leaves my house at once."</p> + +<p>"<i>My</i> poodle," said Celia, "was a lovely dog."</p> + +<p>(Of course she was only a child then. She wouldn't know.)</p> + +<p>"The point is this," I said firmly, "our puppy is meant for a +Pekinese—the pedigree says so. From the look of him it will be touch +and go whether he pulls it off. To call him by the name of a late poodle +may just be the deciding factor. Now I hate poodles; I hate pet dogs. A +Pekinese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion. Our puppy may grow +into a small lion, or a mastiff, or anything like that; but I will <i>not</i> +have him a poodle. If we call him Bingo, will you promise never to +mention in his presence that you once had a—a—you know what I +mean—called Bingo?"</p> + +<p>She promised. I have forgiven her for having once loved a poodle. I beg +you to forget about it. There is now only one Bingo, and he is a +Pekinese puppy.</p> + +<p>However, after we had decided to call him Bingo, a difficulty arose. +Bingo's pedigree is full of names like Li Hung Chang and Sun Yat San; +had we chosen a sufficiently Chinese name for him? Apart from what was +due to his ancestors, were we encouraging him enough to grow into a +Pekinese? What was there Oriental about "Bingo"?</p> + +<p>In itself, apparently, little. And Bingo himself must have felt this; +for his tail continued to be nothing but a rat's tail, and his body to +be nothing but a fat tub, and his head to be almost the head of any +little puppy in the world. He felt it deeply. When I chaffed him about +it he tried to eat my ankles. I had only to go into the room in which he +was, and murmur, "Rat's tail," to myself, or (more offensive still) +"Chewed string," for him to rush at me. "Where, O Bingo, is that +delicate feather curling gracefully over the back, which was the pride +and glory of thy great-grandfather? Is the caudal affix of the rodent +thy apology for it?" And Bingo would whimper with shame.</p> + +<p>Then we began to look him up in the map.</p> + +<p>I found a Chinese town called "Ning-po," which strikes me as very much +like "Bing-go," and Celia found another one called "Yung-Ping," which +might just as well be "Yung-Bing," the obvious name of Bingo's heir when +he has one. These facts being communicated to Bingo, his nose +immediately began to go back a little and his tub to develop something +of a waist. But what finally decided him was a discovery of mine made +only yesterday. <i>There is a Japanese province called Bingo.</i> Japanese, +not Chinese, it is true; but at least it is Oriental. In any case +conceive one's pride in realising suddenly that one has been called +after a province and not after a poodle. It has determined Bingo +unalterably to grow up in the right way.</p> + +<p>You have Bingo now definitely a Pekinese. That being so, I may refer to +his ancestors, always an object of veneration among these Easterns. I +speak of (hats off, please!) Ch. Goodwood Lo.</p> + +<p>Of course you know (I didn't myself till last week) that "Ch." stands +for "Champion." On the male side Champion Goodwood Lo is Bingo's +great-great-grandfather. On the female side the same animal is Bingo's +great-grandfather. One couldn't be a poodle after that. A fortnight +after Bingo came to us we found in a Pekinese book a photograph of +Goodwood Lo. How proud we all were! Then we saw above it, "Celebrities +of the Past. The Late——"</p> + +<p>Champion Goodwood Lo was no more! In one moment Bingo had lost both his +great-grandfather and his great-great-grandfather!</p> + +<p>We broke it to him as gently as possible, but the double shock was too +much, and he passed the evening in acute depression. Annoyed with my +tactlessness in letting him know anything about it, I kicked Humphrey +off his stool. Humphrey, I forgot to say, has a squeak if kicked in the +right place. He squeaked.</p> + +<p>Bingo, at that time still uncertain of his destiny, had at least the +courage of the lion. Just for a moment he hesitated. Then with a pounce +he was upon Humphrey.</p> + +<p>Till then I had regarded Humphrey—save for his power of rolling the +eyes and his habit of taking long jumps from the music-stool to the +book-case—as rather a sedentary character. But in the fight which +followed he put up an amazingly good resistance. At one time he was +underneath Bingo; the next moment he had Bingo down; first one, then the +other, seemed to gain the advantage. But blood will tell. Humphrey's +ancestry is unknown; I blush to say that it may possibly be German. +Bingo had Goodwood Lo to support him—in two places. Gradually he got +the upper hand; and at last, taking the reluctant Humphrey by the ear, +he dragged him laboriously beneath the sofa. He emerged alone, with tail +wagging, and was taken on to his mistress's lap. There he slept, his +grief forgotten.</p> + +<p>So Humphrey has found a job. Whenever Bingo wants exercise, Humphrey +plants himself in the middle of the room, his eyes cast upwards in an +affectation of innocence. "I'm just sitting here," says Humphrey; "I +believe there's a fly on the ceiling." It is a challenge which no +great-grandson of Goodwood Lo could resist. With a rush Bingo is at him. +"I'll learn you to stand in my way," he splutters. And the great dust-up +begins....</p> + +<p>Brave little Bingo! I don't wonder that so warlike a race as the +Japanese has called a province after him.</p> + +<p class="author">A. A. M.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Any Britons wishing to view the German prisoners at Frimley Camp +can hire a car for £3 3<i>s.</i>"—<i>Advt. in "Daily Telegraph."</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>It seems that there are Britons <i>and</i> Britons. We prefer the other kind.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/317a.png"> +<img src="images/317a.png" width="100%" alt="WE ARE ALL DRILLING NOWADAYS." /></a> +<h4>WE ARE ALL DRILLING NOWADAYS.</h4> +<p><i>Little Brown, who is in a hurry to catch his train, but finds it +impossible to get by owing to the crush, is struck by a brilliant idea.</i> +"<span class="sc">Form—two deep!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/317b.png"> +<img src="images/317b.png" width="100%" alt="Result" /></a> +<h4>RESULT</h4> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/318.png"> +<img src="images/318.png" width="100%" alt="FACTS FROM THE FRONT" /></a> +<h4>FACTS FROM THE FRONT</h4> +<p><span class="sc">We learn (from German sources) that the Professors of a celebrated +Prussian University have conferred the honorary degree of Doctor upon a +distinguished General on his departure for the front</span>.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TWILIGHT IN REGENT'S PARK.</h2> + +<center>(<i>Being a mutinous suggestion which I somehow had no time to make to the +drill-instructor.</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Sergeant! Beneath the dim and misty vault</p> +<p class="i2">I tire of making fours with endless trouble,</p> +<p class="i0">And left inclines inclining to a fault.</p> +<p class="i2">What is this pedantry? An empty bubble.</p> +<p class="i0">The spirit is the thing. When you say "'Alt!"</p> +<p class="i2">My 'eart—I mean my heart—is at the double.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">You, gazing only at the outward shell</p> +<p class="i2">That nothing of this secret fire divulges,</p> +<p class="i0">See only raw civilians, heaped pell-mell,</p> +<p class="i2">Having the kind of chest that peace indulges;</p> +<p class="i0">Viewed from one end our lines are like a swell</p> +<p class="i2">On the deep ocean, full of kinks and bulges.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">You bid us wheel. At once ensues a rout</p> +<p class="i2">That no hussar could compass with his sabre;</p> +<p class="i0">The man in evening dress is much too stout,</p> +<p class="i2">He seems to draw his breath with obvious labour,</p> +<p class="i0">Whilst I—I beg your pardon, <i>Right</i> about—</p> +<p class="i2">Of course I bumped into my left-hand neighbour.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">But take (as I observed) the fire beneath;</p> +<p class="i2">If ever foe should leap the shining margent</p> +<p class="i0">That laps our island like a liquid wreath</p> +<p class="i2">Then you would see us. Shimmering and argent,</p> +<p class="i0">"Out bay'nets!" we would snatch 'em from the sheath;</p> +<p class="i2">No '<i>shunning</i> in that day, I think, O Sergeant.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Meanwhile we want a foretaste of the joy</p> +<p class="i2">That so much tedious tramping merely stifles:</p> +<p class="i0">We want to fall upon our—well, deploy,</p> +<p class="i2">And less of "Stand at ease" and fruitless trifles;</p> +<p class="i0"><i>Der Tag</i> will come (we whisper it with coy</p> +<p class="i2">Half-bated murmurings), when we have rifles</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And uniforms. I want a uniform,</p> +<p class="i2">Even if not of khaki's steadfast fibre,</p> +<p class="i0">To make the bright-eyed maidens' hearts more warm</p> +<p class="i2">And still the mockings of the street-boy giber;</p> +<p class="i0">Meanwhile, I say, why not deploy and storm</p> +<p class="i2">The sacred trenches of the Zoo-subscriber?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The hour, the place invite. While here we stake</p> +<p class="i2">Our country's weal on nugatory follies,</p> +<p class="i0">What are these screams of insolence that wake</p> +<p class="i2">The bosky silence with perpetual volleys?</p> +<p class="i0">Give us the word to charge and let us take</p> +<p class="i2">Yon outpost of the Eagles with our brollies.</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote>"<span class="sc">Burglar in Burning Hose.</span>"—</blockquote> +<p class="author"><i>Liverpool Express.</i></p> +<p>He must have walked into something pretty hot.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>Editorial Modesty.</h4> + +<center>"CORRESPONDENCE.</center> + +<blockquote><p>The Editor does not hold himself responsible for views expressed by +Correspondents.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,—Your Leader of last week was uncommonly good, and I hope that +the writer will give us more from his able pen.—<span class="sc">Colonial.</span>"</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%"> +<a href="images/319.png"> +<img src="images/319.png" width="100%" alt="GIVING THE SHOW AWAY" /></a> +<h4>GIVING THE SHOW AWAY</h4> +<p><span class="sc">German Press Bureau Photographer.</span> "COSTUME PERFECT, SIRE—ACCESSORIES +ADMIRABLE; BUT, IN VIEW OF ALL THESE 'VICTORIES,' DARE WE SUGGEST THAT +THE <i>EXPRESSION</i> MIGHT BE JUST A TOUCH MORE <i>JUBILANT</i>?"</p> +</div> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/321.png"> +<img src="images/321.png" width="100%" alt="Public-house Diplomatist" /></a> +<h4>Public-house Diplomatist</h4> +<p><i>Public-house Diplomatist</i> (<i>to second ditto, with whom +he has been discussing the ultimate terms of peace at Berlin</i>). "<span class="sc">I +shouldn't be too 'ard on 'em. I'd leave 'em a bit of the Rhine to sing +abaht!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THINGS THAT DO NOT MATTER.</h2> + +<p>That section of the public that has felt, while anxiously waiting for +definite news of our forces in France, that the communications from "an +eye-witness present with General Headquarters" are better than nothing, +has probably wondered at the recent paucity of despatches from this +descriptive writer. Is it possible that the following has strayed into +our hands from its proper destination?</p> + +<p>A soft wind blew gently from the south-east, and before it the fleecy +clouds passed dreamily above the poplar trees. All was quiet; not even +an old public-school boy was washing his face. Then, gently but firmly, +the "boom, boom" of the guns assailed the ear, telling of battle not far +distant.</p> + +<p>One's fountain-pen becomes quickly clogged amid the conditions of +warfare, for the dust blows freely over the plains across which the +troops have marched. For comfort in writing there is nothing like an +indelible pencil, and paper whose surface is slightly rough. The +quantity of ink carried among the stores of a modern army is negligible. +And I believe it is a fact that in the whole of the equipment of the +British Forces in France there is not a single roll-top desk!</p> + +<p>Talking of dust, I saw last evening a sight which must have appeared +curious to one not acquainted with war. A young Professor of Mathematics +connected with one of our great Universities passed me with a smut on +his nose. Yet in times of peace he is one of those men who seldom leave +home in the morning without carefully brushing their clothes. It should +be borne in mind by the reader that the conditions of the battlefield of +modern times have little in common with those of life in our University +towns.</p> + +<p>On the morning of the 1st our cavalry were busy with their horses, while +the artillery devoted themselves chiefly to their guns. All that day our +infantry stood in the trenches, and the smoke from the enemy's shrapnel +made fantastic shapes against the leaden grey of the Northern sky. While +I sat writing a young officer rushed in. He had kindly returned from the +firing line especially to tell me of a little incident he had witnessed +there. A private, hailing from Rotherhithe, calmly lit a cigarette amid +the hail of bullets, took two or three draws, and then threw it away, +growling, "These 'ere French cigarettes taste like bloomin' German +cartridges." An incident typical of many that occur in a single day.</p> + +<p>This brings us to the 2nd. All day long the Germans, from their +entrenched position, have replied to our fire, but without any +noticeable consequences. The prisoners who are brought in appear to be +glad of the rest and change. Out of gratitude one of them offered to +shave the Commander-in-Chief free of charge.</p> + +<p>The battle continued on the 3rd. There was a touch of autumn in the air +and the wind had changed slightly. Amid the shrieking of shells and the +hum of bullets the bark of a distant farm dog could be heard distinctly. +And so from day to day the War goes on.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"The entire proceeds of yesterday's magnificent opening concert of +the season of the Sunday Concert Society at the Queen's Hall, are to +be divided equally between the Prince of Wales' Fund and the +National Relief Fund."—<i>Evening News.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>And even if one gets an odd half-penny more than the other, nobody will +really mind.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></span> + +<h2>BEATS.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Special P.C. XXX.</i>)</center> + +<p>We have three, each with its nuances of attraction, its delicately +different disadvantages. They are known as the Oil Wharves, the +Generating Station, and the Sewage Station. A wise decree from Scotland +Yard leaves us uncertain up to the very last moment of each evening as +to which will be our allotted beat. A gambling element is thus provided +to stimulate us.</p> + +<p>The Oil Wharves gloom on a <i>cul-de-sac</i> of nocturnal emptiness. Scarcely +does a human footstep come to rouse the petroleum-sluggish echoes. A +padding pussy makes a note of cheery liveliness in the lukewarm monotony +of the night-watch.</p> + +<p>But against that dreariness must be set the four wooden chairs which the +Oil Magnates (blessings upon them and upon their children's children!) +provide for our comfort. Technically, it may be undignified for a +Special Constable to sit down. It is possible that a penalty of three +days in a dark cell awaits the transgressor. We do not know, and we do +not enquire. In that deadliest hour beyond the dawn, when the street +lamps splutter out and the ruthless morning light reveals us to one +another unwashed, unshaven and horribly all-nighty in appearance, it is +indeed a grateful relief to sit down on the wooden Windsor chair and +wait the six o'clock of release in blankness of mind.</p> + +<p>The Generating Station, we are given to understand, does some magic with +electricity. That is not our concern. We are there to pace up and down +outside its walls, and watch for the man with the bomb. It has the +advantage of being a bulky building; therefore a long beat. Up to +midnight it looks over to a blank wall which forms a London lovers' +lane. We speculate on the progress of courtship. The Generating Station +is not odorous, and therefore is accounted the picked beat by the +æsthetes among us.</p> + +<p>The Sewage Station, on the other hand, is very lively with odours. They +dominate our meals for at least twenty-four hours after duty. Some +attribute them to a candle-factory opposite, labelling them as warm +decomposing tallow. Another school of thought places them as the outcast +<i>débris</i> of a sugar-factory. A scientist amongst us claims that they are +saccharine which has taken the wrong turning. To myself the taste +suggests mellow Limburger cheese.</p> + +<p>They raised a classic law-suit a few years ago, taken up to the House of +Lords. On the one side a string of tough sturdy bargees testified that a +few whiffs made them totally unable to face their dinner. On the other +side an array of sanitary experts claimed that they were not only +pleasant and invigorating, but a potent factor in local longevity.</p> + +<p>The machinery of the Station has hitherto been idle. Its borough +officials apparently do nothing but fitfully polish brasses. It seems +that these lucky sinecurists only work in times of violent storm, once +every few months.</p> + +<p>The neighbourhood may be odorous, but it is full of human possibilities. +One midnight, two ladies started a scrap. A Special Constable, raw and +without experience of militant femininity, blew his police-whistle. The +whole slum-district turned out, dressed or half-dressed, like a fevered +anthill. It took the regular police half-an-hour to clear the streets, +the original cause of tumult vanishing in the swirl. In this +neighbourhood, we are informed, it is etiquette to blow a police-whistle +only when someone is being "done in."</p> + +<p>We were also informed, in discreet whispers, that the "Guv'nor" of the +Station "had it in for us." His grievance was this: that while a rival +show across the river had been accorded a military picket by the War +Office, he had been fobbed off with a mere guard of Special Constables. +To date of writing, his wrath still smoulders.</p> + +<p>Our hours of duty are filled with dulness, but we live in hopes. That +speeding motor-cyclist in the yellow oilskins—is he the mysterious +rider who has already shot down a round dozen of our number on lonely +beats?</p> + +<p>He shuts off power. He stops. He gets off and fumbles with a lamp. Is it +a bomb in disguise? Our hands creep towards the truncheons concealed in +our trouser-legs. The Hour has struck, and England expects...!</p> + +<p>Alas, he is only a belated cyclist, reputable and harmless. We console +ourselves with visions of 1915, when we hope to be mobilised, packed off +to the Continent in motor-buses, and assigned to beats in Berlin +(possibly renamed Berlinogradville City), while the Congress are +rearranging the map of Europe.</p> + +<p>"Yes, madam, this is Unter den Linden. Straight on and fourth turning to +the left for the Siegesallee.... Oui, Monsieur, l'auto de luxe pour +Petrograd part à midi.... Nein, mein Herr, es ist verboten. Broadly +speaking, alles ist polizeilich verboten. You will be quite safe in +assuming that anything you yearn for just now ist strengstens +polizeilich verboten. Passen Sie along, bitte!"</p> + +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/322.png"> +<img src="images/322.png" width="100%" alt="some good news for me to-night" /></a> +<p>"<span class="sc">Now then, Tommy—got some good news for me to-night—eh? +what?"</span></p> +<p>"<span class="sc">Yes, Sir: Kitchener wants another recruit</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>"The Women our Shield."</h4> + +<p>From <i>Germany and the Next War</i>:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>"We shall now consider how the tactical value of ... the screening +service can be improved by organisation, equipment and training."</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">Von Bernhardi</span> seems to have overlooked the fact that a portion of the +"screening service" was living under the Belgian Government.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p>"Whilst Germany is a large customer of England in other directions, +it is not in hardware and ironmongery. On the contrary, she exports +much more hardware to us than we buy from her."—<i>System.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>It seems almost a pity that this delightful system cannot go on.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/323.png"> +<img src="images/323.png" width="100%" alt="INTELLIGENT ANTICIPATION." /></a> +<h4>INTELLIGENT ANTICIPATION.</h4> +<p><i>Ethel.</i> "<span class="sc">Now that I've got this nice map, will you tell me just where +to put the little flags, Dad? I want to keep it right up to date</span>."</p> +<p><i>Dad</i> (<i>preoccupied with his paper</i>). "<span class="sc">H'm—well—better just stick 'em +all in Berlin, and—wait</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR WAR STORY.</h2> + +<center><span class="sc">The Dreadful Doom of Bertram Borstal.</span></center> + +<center>I.</center> + +<p>Bertram Borstal turned out his pockets and spread their contents on the +table before him. There were seven postage stamps perforated with the +initials of his late employers, one three-penny-bit in silver, twopence +in copper, and a Bank of England note for 10<i>s.</i> "Irretrievably ruined!" +he muttered with closed lips. "I will offer my services to my country. I +will enlist."</p> + +<p>He enlisted successfully until he reached the medical examination. The +doctor thrust a shoe-horn into Bertram's mouth. "Count up to 99," he +said. "Ug—koog—hee—haw—," Bertram began.</p> + +<p>"That'll do," remarked the doctor, closing the jaws with a snap. "Any +constitutional ailment?"</p> + +<p>Bertram blushed heavily. "Only chronic dyspepsia," he admitted at +length. The doctor gave a long whistle. Mistaking the sound a taxicab +drew up.</p> + +<p>"You'd better jump in," he said kindly, taking Bertram's hand and +putting it inadvertently into his own pocket. "I regret to say I cannot +pass you for the Army."</p> + +<p>"Ploughed!" exclaimed our hero. "But if I cannot go as a soldier I will +go as a spy. Drive me to Wigson's," he called to the taxi-driver as he +leapt on to a passing bus.</p> + +<p>Half-an-hour later Bertram, disguised in the uniform of a spy, turned up +the Strand and his coat-collar simultaneously and walked rapidly to +Charing Cross station. He just managed to scramble into the 2.19 as it +steamed from the platform at 3.7.</p> + +<center>II.</center> + +<p>That same evening (or the next) Bertram got out of the train at +Kartoffelnberg, hired a tandem and drove to the German lines. He went +straight to the General. "I shall be obliged if you will kindly tell me +the number and disposition of your forces, and how and when you propose +to advance."</p> + +<p>He spoke in English, but the General—formerly Military Attaché at +Appenrodt's—happily understood him.</p> + +<p>"Certainly," he replied. "Perhaps you would care to examine this map and +plan of campaign?"</p> + +<p>Bertram thanked him, and commenced to trace them upon his spare vest.</p> + +<p>"Don't bother to do that," said the General. "Take this set of +duplicates. The disposition of our forces is clearly marked in red ink, +and their numerical strength certified by a chartered accountant. The +only detail omitted is the number of women and children that will be +placed in the firing-line. Today's bag has not yet been reported."</p> + +<p>An aide-de-camp galloped into the tent, flung himself from his exhausted +mule and saluted.</p> + +<p>"In the name of our noble and august <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>," he began, "I have the +honour to inform you that we have to-day captured 47 charwomen, 16 +bedridden octogenarians and 21 babies in arms."</p> + +<p>"<i>Zwanzigheit!</i>" exclaimed the General excitedly. "Place them in the +forefront of our brave Bogey Head Hussars, and order the advance for ten +o'clock to-morrow morning."</p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</a></span> + +<p>The aide-de-camp saluted, flung himself on to a fresh mule and galloped +hell for leather to the canteen.</p> + +<p>"I am much obliged for the information you have given me," said Bertram +politely. "It is of paramount importance."</p> + +<p>"You're quite welcome," remarked the General. "By-the-by, what do you +want it for?"</p> + +<p>Our hero rapidly shaved off Wigson's moustache and drew himself up +proudly. "I am a spy," he said.</p> + +<p>"I suspected as much," commented the General. "Kindly touch that bell on +the mantelpiece behind you."</p> + +<p>Bertram touched it; it was as cold as ice.</p> + +<p>"See if it will ring," suggested the General.</p> + +<p>Bertram seized it by the handle and shook it violently. In a moment or +two it rang. A sentry entered.</p> + +<p>"<i>Einzweidreivierfünf</i>," said the General, "and riddle him with bullets +at eight to-morrow morning."</p> + +<center>III.</center> + +<p>Early the next morning a knock sounded on the door of Bertram's cell. +The doomed man crossed the room and shot back the bolt. An officer armed +with a howitzer entered.</p> + +<p>"I am instructed to inform you," he said, "that as you are shortly to be +shot you are entitled, according to custom, to choose whatever you wish +for breakfast."</p> + +<p>"Thank you," replied Bertram, "a cup of weak tea and a rusk. +Unfortunately I am a chronic dyspeptic, or I would take fuller advantage +of your kind hospitality."</p> + +<p>A devilish gleam shot from the other's eyes as he heard those words.</p> + +<p>"As you will be dead in an hour," he said, "the fact of your being a +dyspeptic need not trouble you any more than if you were an acrostic. +Let me therefore suggest that you try a sausage or a knuckle of pork."</p> + +<p>Bertram reeled against the piano. Here was an opportunity to gratify his +palate without regard to the consequences. Quickly he made up his mind.</p> + +<p>"Bring me then," he said, "a plate of sausage and sauerkraut, a slab of +marzipan and some Limburger cheese."</p> + +<center>IV.</center> + +<p>It wanted but a few minutes to eight, and Bertram Borstal, with steady +nerves, waited for the striking of the cuckoo-clock in the prison tower. +Once again a knock sounded upon the cell door, and with the utmost +<i>sang-froid</i> he drew the key from his pocket and unlocked it. The +honorary secretary of Germany entered, preceded by three cripples and a +Mother-Superior.</p> + +<p>"I am ready," declared Bertram, calm but pale, "and resigned to my +fate."</p> + +<p>"I am happy to say," said the secretary, "that I am unable to accept +your resignation. We recognise the fact that you are only a spy, and +therefore cannot strictly be said to be bearing arms against us. We have +therefore to apologise for having arrested you; but at the same time I +would ask you kindly to bear in mind that at these times we have much to +think about, and mistakes will happen. You are free."</p> + +<p>"Free?" repeated Bertram, unable to believe either of his ears.</p> + +<p>"Yes, you are free," said the secretary, "and I am empowered to add that +under the circumstances no charge will be made for your breakfast. +<i>Hochachtungsvoll.</i>"</p> + +<p>He withdrew, and Bertram, picking up his umbrella and gloves, quickly +followed him.</p> + +<center>V.</center> + +<p>Half an hour later Bertram had again entered the German lines, imploring +to be shot for pity's sake. But it was too late; all the rifles were in +use in the firing-line. It was not till he heard this that Bertram +Borstal, racked with indigestion, realised the atrocious barbarity of +his reprieve.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SWISS LEAVE.</h2> + +<p>"It'll be over by Christmas all right," said James again, but without +conviction.</p> + +<p>"Maybe," I said; "Christmas, 1918, you mean, I suppose?"</p> + +<p>James called me a rude name, as soldiers will, and relapsed into moody +silence.</p> + +<p>I knew what the trouble was. He had booked a room at Spitzeheider for +three weeks in January. They were to be the same party as last year, he +had said at first; but on cross-examination it appeared that this +referred solely to a lady who was described with exaggerated unconcern +as being "rather a good sort."</p> + +<p>And now here were James and I in one of <span class="sc">Kitchener's</span> camps at ——, +having taken an oath to defend the <span class="sc">King</span> at all costs against his +enemies.</p> + +<p>True, James had been given an old form to read from, and had sworn +allegiance to <span class="sc">King Edward VII.</span> without the officer noticing it; but +though at first he tried to clutch at this straw it was only a straw.</p> + +<p>"I find now that <span class="sc">King Edward VII.</span> died some years ago," he had said, "so +my oath is not binding, and, if the War is not over by Christmas I shall +point that out and retire."</p> + +<p>However it was found that "His Heir" was mentioned, so that went by the +board.</p> + +<p>"Cheer up, James," I said, "Spitzeheider will be there all right in +1920, even if 'the same party' are all married to other people."</p> + +<p>James did not think my remark in the best possible taste, and said as +much.</p> + +<p>Then he looked up from the map he had been studying with a glad cry. "Do +you know, I think it will be all right after all," he said; "I've been +working it out, and I think it more than possible that we shall by +January be guarding lines of communication somewhere not so very far +from the Swiss frontier. I can get three weeks' leave, join the party at +Spitzeheider, and at the end rejoin our gallant troops in the field."</p> + +<p>"The Swiss won't much care for your marching into their country armed to +the teeth," I said. "You know, James, you cut a very commanding figure +in regimentals. I won't say that a somewhat conservative tailor has +altogether realised that we are inferior physically but superior +intellectually to prehistoric man—I mean the tunic is much too big and +the hat much too small. But you look every inch a recruit, and with any +luck by January you'll look like the best kind of War Lord. No, James, +the Swiss won't pass you through the Customs."</p> + +<p>"Oh, that will be all right!" he said; "I shall take a change of clothes +and leave my uniform and rifle in the cloakroom at the frontier station, +and get them out again on the way back."</p> + +<p>I saw he was in a mood for sweeping aside all difficulties and said no +more. But later I had a new thought for him. "James," I said, "I should +mention that little matter—about the three weeks' leave and the +cloakroom at the frontier station and all that—to your Colonel soon, if +I were you. He'll be busy out there, I dare say, and there will be no +time for explanations. If you've prepared the ground, things will go +smoother. You'll simply say, 'You remember you said you'd give me three +weeks' leave on this date, Sir,' and he'll say, 'All right,' and go on +with the battle, and you'll march off. Only," I added, "let me be there, +James, when you make your original request."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote>The <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span> Proclamation (Aix-la-Chapelle) ordered the Germans to +concentrate their attention on the "treacherous English." We have +received several indignant protests from Scotland about the use of the +word "English" in place of "British."</blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</a></span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/325.png"> +<img src="images/325.png" width="100%" alt="How the cubist" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><span class="sc">How the cubist, by a mere alteration of titles, achieved +a ready sale of unmarketable pictures.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT THE "PLOUGH AND HORSES."</h2> + +<p>"What's this we 'ear, Bill? Pleeceman been plaguin' of you to 'list, +that it?"</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman, 'e says to me, 'You 'aven't a wife and you 'aven't a child, +nor you 'aven't no old mother dependin' on you....'"</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman 'e did stop you then?"</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman's a sight too busy sometimes."</p> + +<p>"Thinks this new army depends on 'im and 'im alone."</p> + +<p>"Took all the trouble to come after me, 'e did."</p> + +<p>"Matter of three-quarter-of-a-mile?"</p> + +<p>"All of that."</p> + +<p>"Must 'ave felt yourself a bit important like."</p> + +<p>"That's right. Uphill all the way to our place, it is, an' Pleeceman 'e +fair lost 'is wind. Pleeceman 'e look very fierce—'tis the uniform as +does it, you don't deceive me. Pleeceman 'e says, 'That's right, my fine +fellow; you sit at 'ome in your easy-chair,' 'e says, 'snoring o' nights +on your feather bed, while the brave chaps as is gone to the front lie +on planks o' wood an' eat their soup without so much as a spoon, for the +sake o' them who won't bestir theirselves though the trumpet calls.'"</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman seems to think our friend 'ere's mighty particular."</p> + +<p>"That's 'is idea o' bein' sarcastic like. Pleeceman'll play that game +once too often for the good o' 'is 'ealth."</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman, I reckon, would 'ave been real proud if 'e could 'ave got a +fine young chap like you to fight for <span class="sc">King George</span>."</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman 'e says to me—when 'e come up to our place all 'urry-scurry +to see after me goin' forth again the enemy—'e says, 'A man as <i>is</i> a +man 'as got to put 'is 'and to the plough now an' save 'is country, +while yet there is time.'"</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman 'e talks wild when 'e's excited."</p> + +<p>"It's takin' your 'and off of the plough, ain't it now?"</p> + +<p>"Seems so to me—God, 'e knows."</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman 'e says to me, 'You go to swell the number as is fightin' for +our England, an' honours'll be showered on you as thick as wapses round +a plum-tree in August,' 'e says; 'crosses an' stars an' 'alf the +alphabet after your name.'"</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman 'e can go it—'istory books ain't in it with 'is +'magination."</p> + +<p>"Gen'rous, too, with what ain't 'is own, same as any man."</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman 'e says, 'Go forth and fight for this our country an' we'll +give you a welcome back as 'll make you stand among us a couple o' +inches taller on that great day....'"</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman 'e do talk wild when e's excited."</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman 'e says, 'You shirk this plain duty a-starin' you in the +face, an' white feathers'll be sproutin' all over of you for a coward as +refuses to do 'is little share when nations are goin' at it 'ammer and +tongs.'"</p> + +<p>"Pleeceman is a sight too bad when 'e be fairly moved. What did you say +to that 'ere?"</p> + +<p>"I says to Pleeceman—'You does your duty, anyway as far as it goes. But +you does it too late in this 'ere case."</p> + +<p>"'Ow was 'e late?"</p> + +<p>"'Cos I'd 'listed day before."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</a></span> + +<h2>IN OUR VILLAGE.</h2> + +<p class="salute"><i>To Mrs. Robinson, The Wigwam, Threads, Nr. Bradford.</i></p> + +<p class="author"><i>From Mrs. Cushat, The Vicarage, Yellowcubs, Leicestershire.</i></p> + +<p class="author"><i>Oct. 8, 1914.</i></p> + +<p>Dearest Sissie,—I have been far too busy to write before. In this +"Clash of Nations," as James finely said in his last sermon, I am +distracted to find suitable holiday amusements for the children. +Fräulein should have returned from her holiday in Berlin six weeks ago +and was prevented with all her boxes ready packed to come; but perhaps +it's as well, as James speaks of the Germans in the strongest +terms—quite rightly so, of course; but one would be sorry for the poor +girl to feel ashamed of her relations.</p> + +<p>Our only alien is poor old Miss Schmidt, who has taught music for thirty +years. We all try to be lenient and nice to her at my work-parties, +which are widely attended. James calls them a mixture of Dorcas and +Bellona—ask Harry to explain. The boys are helping to make saddle-pads +for the horses at the front. They try each pad on our old Dobbin and are +wild for him to go on service at once; but James has just decided that a +Vicar's pony's place is in the last line of the Reserves.</p> + +<p>You asked me how long the war would continue. We have had quite a lot of +talk with the Admiral and dear old General Ramrod about it; but James +says, with the utmost respect for their characters, that these naval and +military men are so hide-bound. In his opinion hostilities will be over +in two months from now. He says:</p> + +<center> +When the British Lion roars<br /> +Foreign legions go indoors!<br /> +</center> + +<p>You know his funny way. The boys are now shouting this all about the +garden, and trying to roar like lions. I have the greatest difficulty in +preventing them from going to fight other children out of sheer +patriotism. The darlings do look so nice and smart. I could not resist +buying them flags and tin swords and helmets like real soldiers in spite +of the Moratorium, which I called by mistake <i>crematorium</i>, and James +made delightful fun about it. He also said some clever thing about banks +which I can't recall; it may come to me later.</p> + +<p>Every one talks of nothing but the war. Even the errand-boys must have +their say; I caught one of them setting up our nice loin chops in the +dusty drive and knocking them down with pebbles for bombs; while the +girl who fetched the laundry stayed for an hour in the kitchen teaching +cook First Aid bandaging, and dinner was spoilt in consequence. However +these are all the little discomforts of war and must be borne in a +cheerful spirit.</p> + +<p class="regards"> +Your affectionate Sister, <span class="sc">Mary</span>.</p> + +<p>P.S.—Dear James's joke was about John Bull and bullion. Harry will +understand and appreciate it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MY BROTHER'S LETTER.</h2> + +<p>Relations used to be for the most part a bore, and, unless rich, it was +well that they were disregarded. But the war has altered all that. The +war has brought relations, no matter how humble, into fashion.</p> + +<p>Not all, but some. I have as a matter of fact myself one brother in the +Fusiliers, in camp, and another who is a special constable and three +times has reported an airship by telephone; but these do not count. It +is fathers, brothers, cousins, sons, uncles and nephews at the Front who +count.</p> + +<p>Anyone who can refer to a real relation at the Front is just now +conversationally on velvet, while, if a letter from this relation can be +produced and read, everyone else must give way. <span class="sc">Sydney Smiths, Theodore +Hooks, Richard Porsons, Thomas Babington Macaulays</span> even, would be +three-a-penny to-day as against one obscure individual who happened to +have a brother in the trenches and a letter in his handwriting.</p> + +<p>But that is not all. There is reflected glory too. To know a person who +has a relation at the Front is to be immeasurably promoted socially, and +most of the conversations which one overhears in trains and elsewhere +have some such opening as this: "A friend of my brother's has seen a +Belgian...." "A cousin of my wife's who is a doctor in a field hospital +says...." "I know a man who was talking with a wounded Tommy, and +he...." "An undergraduate friend of my boy's who is just back from +France...." Once stories begun in this way would empty a room; but not +so now. Now they no longer devastate but fascinate. It does not matter +what the stories are about, the fact remains that an opening gambit +which three months ago would stamp a man as a triple bore now holds +everyone breathless. In short, relations at last have come to their own. +Another achievement of <span class="sc">William Hohenzollern</span>!</p> + +<p>For the most part they bear upon German atrocities, just as a little +while ago they were the preliminaries to unmistakable evidence of the +presence in this country of thousands of Russians travelling from +Scotland to Southampton by underground passage and other mysterious +ways. I myself believed in those Russians absolutely, and relinquished +them with pain and sorrow; and all because they were attested to by +other people's relations. This helps to show what a hold the relation is +getting on us. In fact no story of the war is now possible without some +kith and kin in it.</p> + +<p>Personally I am much out in the cold. Those two brothers I told you of +may serve to fill a gap now and then—a gap left by other more +entertaining raconteurs—but they are not, as I said, any real good. +Both are in England, and one will never leave it. But if things were +different.... If only that soldier brother had joined earlier and had +written to me from Rheims, say, or Compiègne, how my stock would fly up! +Or if that other one would even now fling away his truncheon, enlist in +time to share the march to Berlin, and then sit down to tell me all +about it, what a swell I should become! How dinner-parties would +assemble to hear me!</p> + +<p>As it is, I have to-day to do the best I can either with the tame +home-keeping exploits of these two, or, by listening with excessive +sympathy or by other parasitical endeavour, acquire a reversionary +interest in someone else's relation's narrative. I have even, in order +to cut some sort of a figure in a company where relations were being +used with dashing success—I have even gone so far as to appropriate the +gardener's boy's uncle, last heard of from Cambrai, as a personal and +communicative friend, and claim an intimate association with his letter +home.</p> + +<p>And how splendid if all that could be changed!</p> + +<p>"My brother," I could say boldly and with truth,—"my brother has sent +me a few lines from Berlin, the substance of which you might care to +hear." Of course they would be falling over each other to hear, but that +is my artful way. "He camped out," I should go on, "in the Thiergarten. +He says that to see the French waving their arms and cheering on the top +of the Brandenburg Gate was one of the finest things possible to +imagine. He had one bit of special luck: he was chosen to be one of the +guard to protect the removal of the Kaiser Friedrich Museum pictures +which are coming to London. He says that among these is the famous +portrait of <span class="sc">Alexander del Borro</span> (No. 413<span class="sc">A</span>) which is among our little +lot."</p> + +<p>That would be worth living for—the triumph of that relation's letter! +It cannot, I fear, be mine; but surely it will be somebody's....</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/327.png"> +<img src="images/327.png" width="100%" alt="Sergeant looking for likely talent" /></a> +<p><i>Sergeant</i> (<i>looking for likely talent</i>). "<span class="sc">Does your +horse jump at all?</span>"</p> +<p><i>Recruit.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh no, Sir, thank you. He's a very nice horse</span>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</center> + +<p>Some part of the fascination that I found in <i>Tributaries</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>) +was perhaps due to the interest of a problem. On the cover I am told +that the author "chooses to be anonymous in order that his story should +not suffer from the least suggestion of a party bias." And of course, +after reading this, I simply had to discover who it was. By the time I +reached the last page I had formed a tolerably confident guess. But I +will not commit myself further than to say that no one, however +"well-known in Great Britain and America" (the publisher again is my +authority), need be ashamed to own up to <i>Tributaries</i>, which is quite +one of the best written novels of the year. It is the story of a modern +demagogue, a young apostle of political nonconformity, part charlatan, +part zealot, who comes to town from a provincial chapel, and ends up a +glorious failure as a soured and unpopular Cabinet Minister. There is an +unusual quality in the characterisation and humour of this story of +<i>Maurice Sangster</i>. Page after page abounds with touches of observation +which betray the practised hand. The end, in its dry, unemotional +justice, approaches real tragedy. One small point. <i>Maurice's</i> +father-in-law, who hates and wishes to humiliate him, finds his +opportunity when a turn of the party wheel throws the Minister out of +office and into poverty. Her father thereupon allows <i>Mrs. Sangster</i> +fifteen hundred a year for household expenses on condition that +<i>Maurice</i>, who is scraping a bare hundred by his pen, shall not learn of +this help till the old man's selected moment for abasing him. An +intelligent woman who read the tale objected that no man, even a +journalist, could long remain ignorant that he was spending fifteen +hundred pounds more than he earned. I think she had a case. But the book +remains a remarkable one.</p> + +<p>My own feeling about <i>A Soldier of the Legion</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>) is that it +suffers from some excess of plot. That clever couple, C. N. and A. M. +<span class="sc">Williamson</span>, can handle a complicated intrigue better than most; but here +their battle-front, so to speak, is of such extent that even they seem +to have found it impossible to sustain the attack at every point. We +began splendidly. When <i>Max Doran</i>, rich, popular and just betrothed to +a star of musical comedy, hears suddenly that he isn't <i>Max Doran</i> at +all, but a pauper changeling, and that the real child of his parents (if +I make myself clear) is a dull-witted girl who has been spirited away to +Africa—I said to myself, now there is an exciting time ahead. So there +was, but not in the way I had expected. For when <i>Max</i> goes out to +Africa to find the missing one he finds her all right, but himself gets +involved in a totally different and not so promising complication. The +consequence is that the career of the enriched <i>Josephine</i> and her union +with the wicked lawyer (all things about which I greatly wanted to hear) +have to be dismissed in a few lines. As compensation we get some good +desert pictures and a moving description of life in the Foreign Legion, +of which <i>Max</i> becomes a member. But his other African adventures, and +the sub-sub-plot of the abduction of a Moorish maiden by her Spanish +lover, left me disappointed and detached. Of course <i>Max</i> embraces the +heroine on the last page; and I could not but admire the resource with +which, having dropped the curtain upon this climax, the authors ring it +up again for an added paragraph (my metaphor is getting somewhat +uncertain, but no matter), which brings the story to the warlike +present. On the whole a readable book, but not quite equal to the best +from the same firm.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Since the short prefatory note to <i>Raymond Poincaré</i> (<span class="sc">Duckworth</span>) tells +me that the book was not hastily mobilised and sent into the firing line +earlier than its<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[Pg 328]</a></span> author had intended, I must conclude that he is +prepared to meet the onset of the critic. I will therefore suggest to +him—and this the more boldly because he is anonymous—that he sometimes +treats French politics, both international and domestic, with an +allusiveness rather tantalising to the average English reader. "The +events of 1904," he says airily, and expects us to remember them at +once. This is a Gallic trait which would have caused us, I suppose, had +we possessed it here, to allude to the open space at the top of +Whitehall as "the square of the 21st of October." There is a supreme +interest for us at the present moment in this study of the man whose +dignified attitude towards Germany during the Moroccan crisis, and +support of the <i>entente</i> with ourselves, has gone far to alter England's +traditional policy in European affairs. It is noteworthy that the writer +takes a very firm line about our duty in this respect, and gravely +deprecates the then growing feeling of friendship with Germany. It is +his opinion that <span class="sc">M. Poincaré</span> probably "exercises more influence in his +own country ... as regards foreign policy than did any of his +predecessors." He would also have us appreciate the French <span class="sc">President's</span> +many-sided ability as a lawyer, financier, and educationalist. Indeed, +his proposed Budget of 1906 might well have earned him a reputation as +formidable as that of one whom I will not name. They tell me that <span class="sc">M. +Poincaré</span> has been to the front. I hope I he saw there some worthy fruits +of his strong policy in time of peace.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>I have not before met with a book by <span class="sc">A. S. M. Hutchinson</span>, the author of +<i>The Clean Heart</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>). That is my loss, for he has a +curious intensity of vision, an arresting way of making objective his +thoughts by a sort of nervous battering emphasis of repetition. And he +has things to say. A curious theme and painful. One <i>Wriford</i>, editor +and novelist, breaks down from overwork and hovers about the ineffably +dread borderline, crossing and recrossing. And first that grotesque +tramp, <i>Puddlebox</i>, drunken, devout, affectionate optimist, with his +"Oh, ye loonies of the Lord, bless ye the Lord: praise Him and magnify +Him for ever;" then the oldest sea-captain living, with his "portograph" +in <i>The Daily Picture</i>; then a preparatory school, full of boys; last, +and most effectively, simple, sweet laughing <i>Essie</i>, daughter of the +cert. plumber—all help variously to win him out of his morbid wrestling +to mental and spiritual health. A live book this, and to be commended +very warmly. But there are one or two difficulties. Those grotesqueries +of the tramp and the fantastically laughable adventures of <i>Wriford</i> in +his company—do they mingle quite smoothly with the painfully realistic +manifestations of poor <i>Wriford's</i> state? Can so dreadful a theme ride +off successfully on so bizarre a steed? And then again, was not the +whole agony of the man on the physical and mental, not the spiritual +plane? For did not <i>Wriford</i> before his illness give many obvious signs +of unselfishness? Is there not in effect a certain confusion of the +clean heart with the unclouded mind? I suspect the author has some +subtle sufficient answer. And anyway I urge everyone to make +acquaintance with two very lovable folk, the tramp and little <i>Essie</i>, +among many others.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><i>Ape's Face</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) takes its title from the name bestowed by her family +upon the heroine. It is not, you will admit, either a usual or an +attractive name; but then Miss <span class="sc">Marion Fox</span> is by no means a usual writer, +though she is in many ways a strangely attractive one. Perhaps you +recall certain earlier tales of hers which displayed the same +characteristics that you will find in this, though I think they were not +perhaps quite so definitely bogie. I used a wrong qualification there. +Definite is exactly what Miss <span class="sc">Fox's</span> bogies are not, and in this they +show their own good sense, and hers. She knows quite well that to define +a supernatural element is to lessen enormously its flesh-creeping +capabilities. Your flesh will creep all right over <i>Ape's Face</i> several +times; though perhaps you may agree with me at the end that the book is +really an enlarged Christmas tale, and would gain by being reduced to +magazine dimensions. I have I not yet told you what it is all about. +Very briefly, there is a family and a curse. This curse—with regard to +the exact details of which I still find myself a little vague—used to +express itself by causing murders from time to time among the brothers +and sisters of the House. The tale is told in a detached and purposely +elusive way that adds much to its effect, chiefly as it is felt by one +<i>Armstrong</i>, a stranger who comes to stay with the <i>Mortons</i> at a time +when their very unpleasant family habit was due to manifest itself. "You +cannot move about the house without feeling that the thing has nearly +<i>broken through</i>." The italics in this chance quotation are mine, and +used to emphasize a rare feeling for the most haunting phrase, a feeling +which gives distinction throughout to the story.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/328.png"> +<img src="images/328.png" width="100%" alt="Special Constable" /></a> +<p><i>Special Constable</i> (<i>to suspicious lounger</i>). "<span class="sc">Now, look +here, if you don't clear off, I'll—tell you what I'll do—I'll call a +policeman!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote>"Experienced Chauffeur wants situation; careful diver."</blockquote> + +<p class="author"><i>Advt. in "Gloucester Citizen."</i></p> + +<p>A useful man in a whirlpool of traffic.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"When the foe was announced, the country men did open the doors of +their stables to let the beasts over run in the neighbourhood. +Amongst them was a bull, who came out in the street, similling, +bending his hocks and waiterig anxious.</p> + +<p>At this time, the gun started to boom. The beast, then, urshed and +gone away from the village. On the knoll a german section had just +taken place. The bull fell amongst, his horns forward, fool of rage. +He knocked down the Germans like skittles."</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author"><i>"Démocratie de L'Ouest (English-French edition)."</i></p> + +<p>This is almost as picturesque as some of the work of the "Eye-witness at +General Headquarters."</p> + +<hr /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, October 14, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 28360-h.htm or 28360-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/3/6/28360/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Neville Allen, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/28360-h/images/309.png b/28360-h/images/309.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9bb5337 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/309.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/311.png b/28360-h/images/311.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d8f4475 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/311.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/313.png b/28360-h/images/313.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b6f6003 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/313.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/314.png b/28360-h/images/314.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cf98545 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/314.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/315.png b/28360-h/images/315.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fca818d --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/315.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/317a.png b/28360-h/images/317a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..574e2b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/317a.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/317b.png b/28360-h/images/317b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..735c84f --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/317b.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/318.png b/28360-h/images/318.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e1c2152 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/318.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/319.png b/28360-h/images/319.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..237725b --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/319.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/321.png b/28360-h/images/321.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..77f0385 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/321.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/322.png b/28360-h/images/322.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3624708 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/322.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/323.png b/28360-h/images/323.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..22993f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/323.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/325.png b/28360-h/images/325.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a004a14 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/325.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/327.png b/28360-h/images/327.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7192f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/327.png diff --git a/28360-h/images/328.png b/28360-h/images/328.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..44b8943 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-h/images/328.png |
