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diff --git a/28360-8.txt b/28360-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..01a0951 --- /dev/null +++ b/28360-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2101 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +October 14, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, October 14, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 19, 2009 [EBook #28360] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Neville Allen, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 147. + + OCTOBER 14, 1914. + +CHARIVARIA. + +Strong drinks have now been prohibited all over Russia, and it looks as +if Germany is not the only country whose future lies on the water. + + * * * + +Rumour has it that Germany is not too pleased with Austria's +achievements in the War, and there has been in consequence not a little +Potsdam-and-Perlmuttering between the two. + + * * * + +"When the KAISER goes to places beyond the railway," we are told, "he +travels in a motor-car which, besides being accompanied by aides-de-camp +and bodyguards, is also watched by special secret field police." We are +glad to learn that every precaution is taken to prevent his escape. + + * * * + +The KAISER once desired to be known as "The Peace King." His eldest son, +to judge by his alleged burglarious exploits, now wishes to be known as +the CHARLES PEACE Prince. + + * * * + +It is said that Major VON MANTEUFFEL, who superintended the destruction +of Louvain, has been recalled. We presume he will have to explain why he +left the Town Hall standing. + + * * * + +We still have to go to Germany for news about our own country. The +latest reliable report is to the effect that there is now serious +friction between KING GEORGE and Lord KITCHENER, the former having +become alarmed at the raising of "Kitchener's Army." The WAR MINISTER, +the KING fears, is aiming at the throne, and it is now being recalled +that Lord KITCHENER, when a young man, was once told by a soothsayer, +"K stands for King." + + * * * + +We learn from _The Daily Call_ that, in proportion to the number of its +inhabitants, Bâle is the richest city in Europe. The Swiss, we fancy, +will scarcely thank our contemporary for drawing attention to this fact +in view of the well-known cupidity of a certain neighbour of theirs. + + * * * + +There is a proposal on foot to form a corps of Solicitors. By a pretty +legal touch it is suggested that they might train between six and eight. + + * * * + +_The Daily News_ the other day, in describing the fortunate escape of a +midshipman from the _Cressy_, told its readers that, when pulled out of +the water, the cadet "was not wearing a single garment. He was provided +with clothes and eventually put on a British destroyer." While his +choice of covering does credit to the young gentleman's spirit, we think +he would have done better to put on the clothes. + + * * * + +A naturalisation certificate has been granted to that clever English +authoress, the Countess ARNIM. We congratulate Elizabeth on escaping +from "her German Garden." + + * * * + +"Few people," says _The Witney Gazette_, "are familiar with the history +and resources of Belgium." How true this is may be seen from our +contemporary's next statement:--"A large section of its population +consists of a race known as the Walloons, the ancient descendants of the +Belgians." + + * * * + +"Father," asked the actor's little son, "why does the KAISER wear a +helmet with an eagle on the top of it?" "To show that he's 'got the +bird,'" replied the brilliant Thespian. + + * * * + +By the way, the statement that "The TSAR has left for the theatre of +war" has caused the keenest satisfaction in histrionic circles, where it +is hoped that this illustrious example will cause the fashionable world +to revert to its habit of patronising the stage. + + * * * + +General VON STEIN, who was responsible for the German official +_communiqués_, has, we learn from the German Press, been superseded. +Evidently he did not chronicle sufficient victories. The German public, +when it asks for _Brod_, does not care to get a _Stein_. + + * * * + +An overheard conversation: "I see that both you and your wife have sent +blankets to the soldiers." "Yes. She sent mine, so I sent hers." + + * * * + +A dear old lady who read about the theft of an Italian submarine last +week writes to say that she hopes that the police are keeping an eye on +our _Dreadnoughts_. + + * * * * * + +ADSIT OMEN! + + Take its "capital" from Prussia-- + You reduce the thing to Russia! + + * * * * * + + "Perversely enough, whilst Ora's husband was a commonplace though + intelligent attorney, Ora was married to a Montana mine-owner." + + _Books of To-day._ + +This was very perverse of Ora. She might at least have waited till her +first husband had ceased to be an attorney. + + * * * * * + +_Gentlemen who are losing their employment owing to the War:_--1. The +German Colonial Secretary. + + * * * * * + + "Identifying battles with rivers is very confusing to the reader who + is not well acquainted with the geography of a little-known part of + Europe. It misleads thousands when the Aisne is mentioned, and it is + even more misleading when the river Victula comes into the + reckoning." + +_Birmingham Daily Post._ + + +This is quite true. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: STUDY OF A VETERAN WHO HAS SENT ALL HIS BLANKETS TO +KITCHENER'S ARMY AND NEVER SLEPT BETTER IN HIS LIFE. + + * * * * * + +Rates for Zeppelins. + +"During the last few days," we learn, "a good many insurances have been +effected at Lloyd's on properties in London against the risk of damage +by Zeppelins." The premium accepted on banks appears to be about one +shilling per cent. But why insure banks? For our own part we would very +gladly take refuge in one of their strong rooms at the first sight of a +hovering Zeppelin. + +After consultation with our insurance expert, who has carefully +considered the past record of German aircraft operating over undefended +cities, we now have pleasure in submitting a special scale of insurance +rates which ought to meet the needs of the public. Lloyd's are welcome +to it should they care to adopt it as it stands:-- + +Hospitals £5 % per annum. +Dogs 2/11 " " +Cats, chickens and + canaries 2/9 " " +Lamp-posts 1/1 " " +Lord Mayors _Nil_ " " + + * * * * * + +THOMAS OF THE LIGHT HEART. + +[_"The Cologne Gazette" tells us that we are lacking in understanding of +the high seriousness of the war; that we use sporting expressions about +it. "The Times," referring to this criticism, points out that, though we +do not pretend, like the Germans, to make a religion of war, our +sporting instinct at least enables us to recognise that to draw the +sword on women and children is "not cricket."_] + + Facing the guns, he jokes as well + As any Judge upon the Bench; + Between the crash of shell and shell + His laughter rings along the trench; + He seems immensely tickled by a + Projectile which he calls a "Black Maria." + + At intervals, when work is slack, + He kicks a leather ball about; + Recalls old tales of wing and back, + The Villa's rush, the Rovers' rout; + Or lays a tanner to a pup + On Albion (not "perfidious") for the Cup. + + He whistles down the day-long road, + And, when the chilly shadows fall + And heavier hangs the weary load, + Is he down-hearted? Not at all. + 'Tis then he takes a light and airy + View of the tedious route to Tipperary. + + His songs are not exactly hymns; + He never learned them in the choir; + And yet they brace his dragging limbs + Although they miss the sacred fire; + Although his choice and cherished gems + Do not include "The Watch upon the Thames," + + He takes to fighting as a game; + He does no talking, through his hat, + Of holy missions; all the same + He has his faith--be sure of that; + He'll not disgrace his sporting breed, + Nor play what isn't cricket. There's his creed. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +_Mr. Punch_ ventures to ask the help of his gentle readers on behalf of +the Women's League of Service, who are daily giving dinners in various +districts of London to expectant and nursing mothers, of whom many have +husbands serving with the colours. It is our hope that out of the +present war may come, for those who follow us, a happy freedom from the +menace of war; but our sacrifices will be in vain if no care is taken of +the mothers who are bearing children to-day. Among the poorer class, the +last person in the family to be fed is always the mother. _Mr. Punch_ +invites those who have the welfare of the new generation at heart to +send gifts in aid of this national work to Mr. Dudley Cocke, 44, Gresham +Street, E.C. + + * * * * * + +More Looting by the Kaiser's Family? + + "Prince Joachim, the Kaiser's youngest son ... was met at the + railway station by his mother, who pointed proudly to the + second-class altar cross on her son's breast."--_Eastern Daily + Press._ + + * * * * * + +The American Touch. + + "Great steel plates have been fixed about the ceilings and walls of + a room which now shelters the famous Venus D. Milo." + +_Toronto Daily Star._ + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +No. IV. + +(_From DIETRICH Q. FRIEDLICHER, an American Citizen._) + +KAISER WILHELM,--I've been hearing no end during the last month or two +about German efforts to capture American opinion. It seems you think us +a poor sort of creatures unable to find out for ourselves the right way +of things. You've been measuring our people up and you've got a kind of +fancy that we're running about our continent with our eyes staring and +our mouths gaping and our poor silly tongues wagging, and that we're +busy collecting thoughts from one another about this war in Europe so we +shan't look ignorant when we read what other countries are doing. "See +here," I'm supposed to be saying as I go around,--"see here! What's this +Belgium, anyway, and how in thunder does she come to stand out agin the +great German army? And why are the Germans knocking Belgium to flinders +and shooting her citizens? Ain't the Germans Christians? Ain't their +soldiers generous and their officers merciful? Well then, it kinder +puzzles me to see the way they're getting to work. It's no wonder the +Belgian is set agin them. They're a little lot, them Belgians are, and +it's a queer thing, ain't it, that they should make all this trouble? +But I dunno. Maybe, there's something to be said for 'em if we only +knew. Then there's the English. They say they're fighting for freedom +this time, and maybe they're right to stick to their word and back up +their treaties. But it don't seem very clear as far as I can size it up. +Won't some kind gentleman come along and give me the true story?" + +That's what I'm supposed to be saying, and you thought you heard me all +the way from Potsdam, and you took a good deep think, and "Bless me," +you said, "it's ten thousand pities to let old man Friedlicher go along +with his mind empty when there's a heap of good German opinions lying +around just asking to be put into it. I'll cable BERNSTORFF to fill him +up." So there's poor BERNSTORFF turning himself inside out to please you +and educate me. Don't he prove a lot? From 9 to 10 he lectures about +Germany's love for America and the beautiful statue of FREDERICK THE +GREAT at Annapolis; from 10 to 11 he socks it into England--says she's a +robber power and blacker'n any of the niggers she hires to do her +fighting for her; from 11 to 12 he settles Russia by calling her a +barbarian Empire; and from 12 to 1 he tells me how Germany's burning +Belgium for Belgium's good; and then he dismisses me and says, if I'll +come back to-morrow morning, he'll pitch me a story about the French +peril, and how Germany can help America to escape it. + +KAISER, it's no good. My father was a German, and he knew your lot, and +he used to tell me all he knew. He had to quit Prussia pretty quick +after 1848--that's the year your great-uncle had to take off his hat to +the citizens of Berlin, and your venerable grandfather had to pay a +visit to England, German air not being good for his health. I know all +that there is to be known about you. I don't want any BERNSTORFF, no, +nor yet any DERNBURG, to tell me why this fight's fighting and to +explain the Belgian wickedness to me. You and your blamed professors and +soldiers, you've all been spoiling for war these ten years past, and now +that you've got it you're out to tell the Americans that the other +fellows drove you into it. All I've got to say is, I don't believe +it--and what's more, no sensible American believes it either. That's all +there is to it. + +Yours sincerely, +DIETRICH. + + * * * * * + +Motto for the KAISER (reported as having been last seen at Cologne): +"East, West, hame's best." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A NORTH SEA CHANTEY. + +(_To the tune of "Tipperary."_) + +JACK. "IT'S A LONG, LONG WAIT FOR WILLIAM'S NAVY. BUT MY HEART'S RIGHT +HERE." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Officer._ "WHAT IN THUNDER HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THE +MORNING? THIS LEATHER'S NOT DRESSED; THERE'S MUD ON IT STILL!" + +_Recruit (ex-Cyclist)._ "SORRY, SIR, BUT I'VE SPENT MOST OF MY TIME +POLISHING THE PEDALS." + + * * * * * + +RENAMED CELEBRITIES. + +Since the publication of the manifesto in our columns signed by a large +number of eminent men who announced their intention of divesting +themselves of the un-Christian name of William, matters have moved far +and fast. Many of these gentlemen have already, in obedience to the +dictates of logic, assumed a new style, as may be gathered from the +following messages which the Press Bureau, without accepting +responsibility for them, graciously permits us to reproduce:-- + +The Reverend WILLIAM SPOONER, the revered Warden of New College, Oxford, +writes to say that, in deference to the unanimous desire of the +graduates and undergraduates of the College, he has decided to be known +in future as the Reverend Peter Spooner, as a tribute to the Kinquering +Cong of Serbia. + +Mr. WILLIAM (WULLIE) PARK, the famous professional golfer, has decided +to assume the prænomen of Pinkstone (after Sir JOHN DENTON PINKSTONE +FRENCH), and is already known amongst his intimates as "Pinkie." + +Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX has by a special deed poll assumed the title of +George Albert Nicolas Victor-Emmanuel Raymond Woodrow Le Queux, but for +literary purposes will briefly sign himself "Alb." + +Mr. WILLIAM DE MORGAN, the famous novelist, as the son of AUGUSTUS DE +MORGAN, has happily hit on the idea of renaming himself Marcellus de +Morgan. But he is anxious to have it clearly understood that this does +not involve him in any claim to the authorship of _Marcella_. + +A communication has been received by the Editor of _The Spiritualist_ +from WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, announcing his unalterable resolve to change +his Christian name because of the posthumous discredit attached to it by +the KAISER. Asked what he proposed to substitute for it, the Bard +created a prodigious sensation by announcing that he thought Francis +would do as well as anything else. + +Sir WILLIAM JOB COLLINS, equally renowned in the spheres of politics and +medicine, has promptly recognised the impossibility of continuing to +wear a name which has been indelibly tarnished by the arch-disturber of +Europe's peace. He has accordingly elected to replace his first two +names by the ingenious and harmonious collocation of Thomas Habakkuk. + +Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE writes to explain that, though his first name is not +William, it has painful historical associations with the success of a +former William. He therefore wishes it to be known that he will sign all +his articles, interviews and poems with the name Oliver Lodge David +Lloyd George Begbie, as an act of homage to the two great men who have +chiefly inspired him in his journalistic and literary career. + + * * * * * + +Copy of letter to teacher:-- + + "Dear Sir, will you please give my daughter a dinner, as she has no + father and I have no means of getting her one, and oblodge." + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +V. + +DEAR CHARLES,--You must forgive my writing this letter with a fountain +pen, but to do otherwise would be an act of ingratitude to my servant, +Private J. B. COX. I told him this morning that I had lost my pocket +pen, a cheap affair made of tin. I instructed him to find it, and J. B. +is one of those perfect factotums who do as they are told. He has a +sharp eye and no scruples, and so, owing to the fact that three other +officers live in my billet, he was able to find two valuable fountain +pens and one stylographic in no time. The exigencies of war necessitate +some little irregularity now and then; but how, I asked him, did he +justify this excess of zeal? J. B. is distinguished by a lisp among +other things. "It'th betht to be on the thafe thide, Thir," said he. + +We had an all-night outpost job on this week, at which my company +achieved an unpremeditated success--unpremeditated by the authorities, +that is. Before setting out we had been threatened with the heaviest +penalties if we were discovered at any moment in a dereliction of duty, +which meant that the Adjutant proposed to pay us a surprise visit and +had every hope of discovering responsible officers asleep at their +posts. Those who know will tell you that the hour before dawn is that +during which an attack is most likely in real war; they also assert that +this is the most likely period for derelictions in imitation war, and +so, as we anticipated all along, this was the time selected for the +surprise visit. But we were not caught napping, Sir; every possible +approach to our picket was protected by strong groups, each instructed +to let no one pass on any account and least of all those who attempted +to trick them by a pretence of authority, however realistic that +pretence might be. Thus it fell out that when the Adjutant was sighted +he was instantly accosted and firmly apprehended. Inasmuch as he refused +to be led blindfold through our lines, he was not allowed to approach +our august selves at all, but was retained until such time as we cared +to approach him. Mind you, I'm not saying we were asleep; merely I show +you how thoroughly we do our work. It is not mine that is the master +mind; it is my skipper's, a man upon whose ready cunning I rely to bring +me to Berlin and its choicest light beer well in advance of all other +victorious forces. + +It used to be our Brigadier's fad that officers commanding companies +should know the names of all their men, and lately he took upon himself +to test it. Captain after captain, upon being asked to name a selected +man, had to confess ignorance; not so my skipper. He knew them all. +"What is that man's name?" asked the Brigadier, indicating an +inconspicuous and rather terrified private, just that sort of man whose +name one would never know or want to know. (It was something rather like +Postlethwaite, I believe). "Two paces forward, Private Johnson," ordered +my skipper emphatically, fixing an hypnotic eye on the youth, and +adding, to prove his accuracy, "Now, my lad, your name's Joh----?" +"----nson, Sir," concluded the victim. That night, at dinner, the +Brigadier told the C.O. that, among many disappointments, he had found +one officer who seemed to know the names of his men "almost better than +the men did themselves." In accordance with J. B.'s maxim about being on +the safe side, it was a company order afterwards that, when asked, all +even numbers were to be "Evans" and odd numbers "Hodges," till further +notice. + +Talking about names, I was quite homesick for old London when, in +calling the names and regimental numbers of a party, I found myself +bawling angrily for "Gerrard, No. 2784." + +Catering, as we do, for all tastes, we have in our rank and file a +serio-comic artiste from the lower rungs of the music-hall ladder. We +had a busy time with him at our Great Inoculation Ceremony (First +Performance) on Saturday. We could not put too strict a discipline upon +men into whose arms we were just about to insert fifteen million +microbes apiece, and our private was not slow to seize his opportunity. +He insisted upon his fifteen million being numbered off in order to +discover whether there were any of them absent from parade; he wished to +know if they had all their proper equipment, and whether each had passed +his standard test. As the needle was inserted into his arm, "Move to the +left in fours," he ordered them; "form fours--left--in succession of +divisions--number one leading--quick-ma-harch." (It was the same +humorist who recently took a strong line about protective colouring, and +put in an application for a set of khaki teeth.) + +At the moment of inoculation we were all, officers and men, very +facetious and off-hand about it, but as the evening came on we grew +_piano_, even miserable. Mess was not made any less sombre by +Wentworth's plaintive observation that "the doctor who had succeeded in +making a thousand of us thoroughly ill and debarred us from the cheering +influence of alcohol was probably at that very moment himself enjoying a +hearty debauch." + +The only effect of the dose upon me was to induce a rather morbid +contemplation. I recalled the happy times when I was once, even as you +are, a barrister who rose at 8.30 A.M. (an incredibly late hour), did +next to nothing all day and, when I wanted to go away, just went. I used +in those gentle days to take off my hat to ladies (a long-forgotten +habit), and I never dreamed of calling anybody "Sir." I used to suppose +that I should rise from stuff to silk, from silk to ermine, to conclude +as a Judge on the King's Bench. It seems now that I may rise from stars +to crowns, from crowns to oakleaves, and end my days as a commissionaire +in--who knows?--His Majesty's _foyer_. I, who had hoped to dismiss your +appeals, may come instead to hail your taxi at the theatre door; may +even come to call _you_ "Sir." But for the moment I am + +Yours thoroughly disrespectfully, + +HENRY. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE WAR ON GERMAN COMMERCE. + +"We are glad to hear, Mr. Wilton, that you have volunteered for active +service. We are proud to know that you are ready to do your duty as a +Briton. We shall be pleased to keep your place open for you during your +absence. And, Mr. Wilton, you might take a few thousand of our circulars +in your knapsack to be distributed among the enemy in the regrettable +event of your being taken prisoner." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: RURAL LIFE UNDER WAR CONDITIONS. + +OUR VILLAGE ERRAND-BOY. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAITOR. + + "Down with the Teutons!" rose the people's cry; + "Who said that England's honour was for sale?" + Myself, I hunted out the local spy, + Tore down his pole and cast him into jail. + "An English barber now," said I, "or none! + This thatch shall never fall before a Hun!" + + And all was well until that fateful morn + When, truss'd for shearing in a stranger's shop, + "Be careful, please," I said, "I want it shorn + Close round the ears, but leave it long on top;" + And, thrilling with a pleasant pride of race, + I watched the fellow's homely British face. + + An optimist he was. "Those German brutes, + They'll get wot for. You mark my words," he said, + And dragged great chunks of hair out by the roots, + Forgetting mine was not a German head. + "Oh, yes, they'll get it in the neck," said he + And gaily emphasized his prophecy. + + Ah me, that ruthless Britisher! He scored + His parallel entrenchments round and round + My quivering scalp. "Invade us 'ere?" he roared; + "Not bloomin' likely! Not on British ground!" + His nimble scissors left a row of scars + To point the prowess of our gallant Tars. + + I bore it without movement, save a start + Induc'd by one shrewd gash behind the ear. + With silent fortitude I watch'd him part + The ruin on my skull. And then a tear, + A fat, round tear, well'd up from either eye-- + O traitorous tribute to the local spy! + + * * * * * + +JULES FRANÇOIS. + + Jules François is poet, and gallant and gay; + Jules François makes frocks in the Rue de la Paix; + Since the mobilisation Jules François's the one + That sits by the breech of a galloping gun, + In the team of a galloping gun! + + When the wheatfields of August stood white on the plain + Jules François was ordered to go to Lorraine, + Since the guns would get flirting with good Mr. KRUPP + And wanted Jules François to limber them up, + To lay and to limber them up! + + The road it was dusty, the road it was long, + But there was Jules François to make you a song; + He sang them a song, and he fondled his gun, + Though I wouldn't translate it he sang it A1; + His battery thought it A1! + + The morning was fresh and the morning was cool + When they stopped in an orchard two miles out of Toul, + And the grey muzzles spat through the grey muzzles' smoke, + And there was Jules François to make you a joke, + To crack his idea of a joke:-- + + "The road to our Paris 'tis hard as can be; + The road to that London he halts at the sea; + So, _vois-tu, mon gars_? 'tis as certain as sin + This wisdom that chooses the road to Berlin!" + So they follow the road to Berlin. + + * * * * * + +ENTER BINGO. + +Before I introduce Bingo I must say a word for Humphrey, his sparring +partner. + +Humphrey found himself on the top of my stocking last December--put +there, I fancy, by Celia, though she says it was Father Christmas. He is +a small yellow dog, with glass optics, and the label round his neck +said, "His eyes move." When I had finished the oranges and sweets and +nuts, when Celia and I had pulled the crackers, Humphrey remained over +to sit on the music-stool, with the air of one playing the pianola. In +this position he found his uses. There are times when a husband may +legitimately be annoyed; at these times it was pleasant to kick Humphrey +off his stool on to the divan, to stand on the divan and kick him on to +the sofa, to stand on the sofa and kick him on to the book-case; and +then, feeling another man, to replace him on the music-stool and +apologise to Celia. It was thus that he lost his tail. + +When the War broke out we wrote to the War Office, offering to mobilise +Humphrey. Already he could do "Eyes _right_, eyes _front_." But the loss +of his tail was against him. Rejected by the medical authorities as +unfit, he returned to the music-stool and waited for a job. It was at +this moment that Bingo joined the establishment. + +Here we say good-bye to Humphrey for the present; Bingo claims our +attention. Bingo arrived as an absurd little black tub of puppiness, +warranted (by a pedigree as long as your arm) to grow into a Pekinese. +It was Celia's idea to call him Bingo; because (a ridiculous reason) as +a child she had had a poodle called Bingo. The less said about poodles +the better; why rake up the past? + +"If there is the slightest chance of Bingo--of this animal growing up +into a poodle," I said, "he leaves my house at once." + +"_My_ poodle," said Celia, "was a lovely dog." + +(Of course she was only a child then. She wouldn't know.) + +"The point is this," I said firmly, "our puppy is meant for a +Pekinese--the pedigree says so. From the look of him it will be touch +and go whether he pulls it off. To call him by the name of a late poodle +may just be the deciding factor. Now I hate poodles; I hate pet dogs. A +Pekinese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion. Our puppy may grow +into a small lion, or a mastiff, or anything like that; but I will _not_ +have him a poodle. If we call him Bingo, will you promise never to +mention in his presence that you once had a--a--you know what I +mean--called Bingo?" + +She promised. I have forgiven her for having once loved a poodle. I beg +you to forget about it. There is now only one Bingo, and he is a +Pekinese puppy. + +However, after we had decided to call him Bingo, a difficulty arose. +Bingo's pedigree is full of names like Li Hung Chang and Sun Yat San; +had we chosen a sufficiently Chinese name for him? Apart from what was +due to his ancestors, were we encouraging him enough to grow into a +Pekinese? What was there Oriental about "Bingo"? + +In itself, apparently, little. And Bingo himself must have felt this; +for his tail continued to be nothing but a rat's tail, and his body to +be nothing but a fat tub, and his head to be almost the head of any +little puppy in the world. He felt it deeply. When I chaffed him about +it he tried to eat my ankles. I had only to go into the room in which he +was, and murmur, "Rat's tail," to myself, or (more offensive still) +"Chewed string," for him to rush at me. "Where, O Bingo, is that +delicate feather curling gracefully over the back, which was the pride +and glory of thy great-grandfather? Is the caudal affix of the rodent +thy apology for it?" And Bingo would whimper with shame. + +Then we began to look him up in the map. + +I found a Chinese town called "Ning-po," which strikes me as very much +like "Bing-go," and Celia found another one called "Yung-Ping," which +might just as well be "Yung-Bing," the obvious name of Bingo's heir when +he has one. These facts being communicated to Bingo, his nose +immediately began to go back a little and his tub to develop something +of a waist. But what finally decided him was a discovery of mine made +only yesterday. _There is a Japanese province called Bingo._ Japanese, +not Chinese, it is true; but at least it is Oriental. In any case +conceive one's pride in realising suddenly that one has been called +after a province and not after a poodle. It has determined Bingo +unalterably to grow up in the right way. + +You have Bingo now definitely a Pekinese. That being so, I may refer to +his ancestors, always an object of veneration among these Easterns. I +speak of (hats off, please!) Ch. Goodwood Lo. + +Of course you know (I didn't myself till last week) that "Ch." stands +for "Champion." On the male side Champion Goodwood Lo is Bingo's +great-great-grandfather. On the female side the same animal is Bingo's +great-grandfather. One couldn't be a poodle after that. A fortnight +after Bingo came to us we found in a Pekinese book a photograph of +Goodwood Lo. How proud we all were! Then we saw above it, "Celebrities +of the Past. The Late----" + +Champion Goodwood Lo was no more! In one moment Bingo had lost both his +great-grandfather and his great-great-grandfather! + +We broke it to him as gently as possible, but the double shock was too +much, and he passed the evening in acute depression. Annoyed with my +tactlessness in letting him know anything about it, I kicked Humphrey +off his stool. Humphrey, I forgot to say, has a squeak if kicked in the +right place. He squeaked. + +Bingo, at that time still uncertain of his destiny, had at least the +courage of the lion. Just for a moment he hesitated. Then with a pounce +he was upon Humphrey. + +Till then I had regarded Humphrey--save for his power of rolling the +eyes and his habit of taking long jumps from the music-stool to the +book-case--as rather a sedentary character. But in the fight which +followed he put up an amazingly good resistance. At one time he was +underneath Bingo; the next moment he had Bingo down; first one, then the +other, seemed to gain the advantage. But blood will tell. Humphrey's +ancestry is unknown; I blush to say that it may possibly be German. +Bingo had Goodwood Lo to support him--in two places. Gradually he got +the upper hand; and at last, taking the reluctant Humphrey by the ear, +he dragged him laboriously beneath the sofa. He emerged alone, with tail +wagging, and was taken on to his mistress's lap. There he slept, his +grief forgotten. + +So Humphrey has found a job. Whenever Bingo wants exercise, Humphrey +plants himself in the middle of the room, his eyes cast upwards in an +affectation of innocence. "I'm just sitting here," says Humphrey; "I +believe there's a fly on the ceiling." It is a challenge which no +great-grandson of Goodwood Lo could resist. With a rush Bingo is at him. +"I'll learn you to stand in my way," he splutters. And the great dust-up +begins.... + +Brave little Bingo! I don't wonder that so warlike a race as the +Japanese has called a province after him. + +A. A. M. + + * * * * * + + "Any Britons wishing to view the German prisoners at Frimley Camp + can hire a car for £3 3_s._"--_Advt. in "Daily Telegraph."_ + +It seems that there are Britons _and_ Britons. We prefer the other kind. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: WE ARE ALL DRILLING NOWADAYS. + +_Little Brown, who is in a hurry to catch his train, but finds it +impossible to get by owing to the crush, is struck by a brilliant idea._ +"FORM--TWO DEEP!" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: RESULT. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: FACTS FROM THE FRONT. + +WE LEARN (FROM GERMAN SOURCES) THAT THE PROFESSORS OF A CELEBRATED +PRUSSIAN UNIVERSITY HAVE CONFERRED THE HONORARY DEGREE OF DOCTOR UPON A +DISTINGUISHED GENERAL ON HIS DEPARTURE FOR THE FRONT. + + * * * * * + +TWILIGHT IN REGENT'S PARK. + +(_Being a mutinous suggestion which I somehow had no time to make to the +drill-instructor._) + + Sergeant! Beneath the dim and misty vault + I tire of making fours with endless trouble, + And left inclines inclining to a fault. + What is this pedantry? An empty bubble. + The spirit is the thing. When you say "'Alt!" + My 'eart--I mean my heart--is at the double. + + You, gazing only at the outward shell + That nothing of this secret fire divulges, + See only raw civilians, heaped pell-mell, + Having the kind of chest that peace indulges; + Viewed from one end our lines are like a swell + On the deep ocean, full of kinks and bulges. + + You bid us wheel. At once ensues a rout + That no hussar could compass with his sabre; + The man in evening dress is much too stout, + He seems to draw his breath with obvious labour, + Whilst I--I beg your pardon, _Right_ about-- + Of course I bumped into my left-hand neighbour. + + But take (as I observed) the fire beneath; + If ever foe should leap the shining margent + That laps our island like a liquid wreath + Then you would see us. Shimmering and argent, + "Out bay'nets!" we would snatch 'em from the sheath; + No '_shunning_ in that day, I think, O Sergeant. + + Meanwhile we want a foretaste of the joy + That so much tedious tramping merely stifles: + We want to fall upon our--well, deploy, + And less of "Stand at ease" and fruitless trifles; + _Der Tag_ will come (we whisper it with coy + Half-bated murmurings), when we have rifles + + And uniforms. I want a uniform, + Even if not of khaki's steadfast fibre, + To make the bright-eyed maidens' hearts more warm + And still the mockings of the street-boy giber; + Meanwhile, I say, why not deploy and storm + The sacred trenches of the Zoo-subscriber? + + The hour, the place invite. While here we stake + Our country's weal on nugatory follies, + What are these screams of insolence that wake + The bosky silence with perpetual volleys? + Give us the word to charge and let us take + Yon outpost of the Eagles with our brollies. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "BURGLAR IN BURNING HOSE."--_Liverpool Express._ + +He must have walked into something pretty hot. + + * * * * * + +Editorial Modesty. + + "CORRESPONDENCE. + + The Editor does not hold himself responsible for views expressed by + Correspondents. + + SIR,--Your Leader of last week was uncommonly good, and I hope that + the writer will give us more from his able pen.--COLONIAL." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: GIVING THE SHOW AWAY. + +GERMAN PRESS BUREAU PHOTOGRAPHER. "COSTUME PERFECT, SIRE--ACCESSORIES +ADMIRABLE; BUT, IN VIEW OF ALL THESE 'VICTORIES,' DARE WE SUGGEST THAT +THE _EXPRESSION_ MIGHT BE JUST A TOUCH MORE _JUBILANT_?" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Public-house Diplomatist_ (_to second ditto, with whom +he has been discussing the ultimate terms of peace at Berlin_). "I +SHOULDN'T BE TOO 'ARD ON 'EM. I'D LEAVE 'EM A BIT OF THE RHINE TO SING +ABAHT!" + + * * * * * + +THINGS THAT DO NOT MATTER. + +That section of the public that has felt, while anxiously waiting for +definite news of our forces in France, that the communications from "an +eye-witness present with General Headquarters" are better than nothing, +has probably wondered at the recent paucity of despatches from this +descriptive writer. Is it possible that the following has strayed into +our hands from its proper destination? + +A soft wind blew gently from the south-east, and before it the fleecy +clouds passed dreamily above the poplar trees. All was quiet; not even +an old public-school boy was washing his face. Then, gently but firmly, +the "boom, boom" of the guns assailed the ear, telling of battle not far +distant. + +One's fountain-pen becomes quickly clogged amid the conditions of +warfare, for the dust blows freely over the plains across which the +troops have marched. For comfort in writing there is nothing like an +indelible pencil, and paper whose surface is slightly rough. The +quantity of ink carried among the stores of a modern army is negligible. +And I believe it is a fact that in the whole of the equipment of the +British Forces in France there is not a single roll-top desk! + +Talking of dust, I saw last evening a sight which must have appeared +curious to one not acquainted with war. A young Professor of Mathematics +connected with one of our great Universities passed me with a smut on +his nose. Yet in times of peace he is one of those men who seldom leave +home in the morning without carefully brushing their clothes. It should +be borne in mind by the reader that the conditions of the battlefield of +modern times have little in common with those of life in our University +towns. + +On the morning of the 1st our cavalry were busy with their horses, while +the artillery devoted themselves chiefly to their guns. All that day our +infantry stood in the trenches, and the smoke from the enemy's shrapnel +made fantastic shapes against the leaden grey of the Northern sky. While +I sat writing a young officer rushed in. He had kindly returned from the +firing line especially to tell me of a little incident he had witnessed +there. A private, hailing from Rotherhithe, calmly lit a cigarette amid +the hail of bullets, took two or three draws, and then threw it away, +growling, "These 'ere French cigarettes taste like bloomin' German +cartridges." An incident typical of many that occur in a single day. + +This brings us to the 2nd. All day long the Germans, from their +entrenched position, have replied to our fire, but without any +noticeable consequences. The prisoners who are brought in appear to be +glad of the rest and change. Out of gratitude one of them offered to +shave the Commander-in-Chief free of charge. + +The battle continued on the 3rd. There was a touch of autumn in the air +and the wind had changed slightly. Amid the shrieking of shells and the +hum of bullets the bark of a distant farm dog could be heard distinctly. +And so from day to day the War goes on. + + * * * * * + + "The entire proceeds of yesterday's magnificent opening concert of + the season of the Sunday Concert Society at the Queen's Hall, are to + be divided equally between the Prince of Wales' Fund and the + National Relief Fund."--_Evening News._ + +And even if one gets an odd half-penny more than the other, nobody will +really mind. + + * * * * * + +BEATS. + +(_By Special P.C. XXX._) + +We have three, each with its nuances of attraction, its delicately +different disadvantages. They are known as the Oil Wharves, the +Generating Station, and the Sewage Station. A wise decree from Scotland +Yard leaves us uncertain up to the very last moment of each evening as +to which will be our allotted beat. A gambling element is thus provided +to stimulate us. + +The Oil Wharves gloom on a _cul-de-sac_ of nocturnal emptiness. Scarcely +does a human footstep come to rouse the petroleum-sluggish echoes. A +padding pussy makes a note of cheery liveliness in the lukewarm monotony +of the night-watch. + +But against that dreariness must be set the four wooden chairs which the +Oil Magnates (blessings upon them and upon their children's children!) +provide for our comfort. Technically, it may be undignified for a +Special Constable to sit down. It is possible that a penalty of three +days in a dark cell awaits the transgressor. We do not know, and we do +not enquire. In that deadliest hour beyond the dawn, when the street +lamps splutter out and the ruthless morning light reveals us to one +another unwashed, unshaven and horribly all-nighty in appearance, it is +indeed a grateful relief to sit down on the wooden Windsor chair and +wait the six o'clock of release in blankness of mind. + +The Generating Station, we are given to understand, does some magic with +electricity. That is not our concern. We are there to pace up and down +outside its walls, and watch for the man with the bomb. It has the +advantage of being a bulky building; therefore a long beat. Up to +midnight it looks over to a blank wall which forms a London lovers' +lane. We speculate on the progress of courtship. The Generating Station +is not odorous, and therefore is accounted the picked beat by the +æsthetes among us. + +The Sewage Station, on the other hand, is very lively with odours. They +dominate our meals for at least twenty-four hours after duty. Some +attribute them to a candle-factory opposite, labelling them as warm +decomposing tallow. Another school of thought places them as the outcast +_débris_ of a sugar-factory. A scientist amongst us claims that they are +saccharine which has taken the wrong turning. To myself the taste +suggests mellow Limburger cheese. + +They raised a classic law-suit a few years ago, taken up to the House of +Lords. On the one side a string of tough sturdy bargees testified that a +few whiffs made them totally unable to face their dinner. On the other +side an array of sanitary experts claimed that they were not only +pleasant and invigorating, but a potent factor in local longevity. + +The machinery of the Station has hitherto been idle. Its borough +officials apparently do nothing but fitfully polish brasses. It seems +that these lucky sinecurists only work in times of violent storm, once +every few months. + +The neighbourhood may be odorous, but it is full of human possibilities. +One midnight, two ladies started a scrap. A Special Constable, raw and +without experience of militant femininity, blew his police-whistle. The +whole slum-district turned out, dressed or half-dressed, like a fevered +anthill. It took the regular police half-an-hour to clear the streets, +the original cause of tumult vanishing in the swirl. In this +neighbourhood, we are informed, it is etiquette to blow a police-whistle +only when someone is being "done in." + +We were also informed, in discreet whispers, that the "Guv'nor" of the +Station "had it in for us." His grievance was this: that while a rival +show across the river had been accorded a military picket by the War +Office, he had been fobbed off with a mere guard of Special Constables. +To date of writing, his wrath still smoulders. + +Our hours of duty are filled with dulness, but we live in hopes. That +speeding motor-cyclist in the yellow oilskins--is he the mysterious +rider who has already shot down a round dozen of our number on lonely +beats? + +He shuts off power. He stops. He gets off and fumbles with a lamp. Is it +a bomb in disguise? Our hands creep towards the truncheons concealed in +our trouser-legs. The Hour has struck, and England expects...! + +Alas, he is only a belated cyclist, reputable and harmless. We console +ourselves with visions of 1915, when we hope to be mobilised, packed off +to the Continent in motor-buses, and assigned to beats in Berlin +(possibly renamed Berlinogradville City), while the Congress are +rearranging the map of Europe. + +"Yes, madam, this is Unter den Linden. Straight on and fourth turning to +the left for the Siegesallee.... Oui, Monsieur, l'auto de luxe pour +Petrograd part à midi.... Nein, mein Herr, es ist verboten. Broadly +speaking, alles ist polizeilich verboten. You will be quite safe in +assuming that anything you yearn for just now ist strengstens +polizeilich verboten. Passen Sie along, bitte!" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "NOW THEN, TOMMY--GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR ME TO-NIGHT--EH? +WHAT?" + +"YES, SIR: KITCHENER WANTS ANOTHER RECRUIT." + + * * * * * + +"The Women our Shield." + +From _Germany and the Next War_:-- + + "We shall now consider how the tactical value of ... the screening + service can be improved by organisation, equipment and training." + +VON BERNHARDI seems to have overlooked the fact that a portion of the +"screening service" was living under the Belgian Government. + + * * * * * + + "Whilst Germany is a large customer of England in other directions, + it is not in hardware and ironmongery. On the contrary, she exports + much more hardware to us than we buy from her."--_System._ + +It seems almost a pity that this delightful system cannot go on. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: INTELLIGENT ANTICIPATION. + +_Ethel._ "NOW THAT I'VE GOT THIS NICE MAP, WILL YOU TELL ME JUST WHERE +TO PUT THE LITTLE FLAGS, DAD? I WANT TO KEEP IT RIGHT UP TO DATE." + +_Dad_ (_preoccupied with his paper_). "H'M--WELL--BETTER JUST STICK 'EM +ALL IN BERLIN, AND--WAIT." + + * * * * * + +OUR WAR STORY. + +THE DREADFUL DOOM OF BERTRAM BORSTAL. + +I. + +Bertram Borstal turned out his pockets and spread their contents on the +table before him. There were seven postage stamps perforated with the +initials of his late employers, one three-penny-bit in silver, twopence +in copper, and a Bank of England note for 10_s._ "Irretrievably ruined!" +he muttered with closed lips. "I will offer my services to my country. I +will enlist." + +He enlisted successfully until he reached the medical examination. The +doctor thrust a shoe-horn into Bertram's mouth. "Count up to 99," he +said. "Ug--koog--hee--haw--," Bertram began. + +"That'll do," remarked the doctor, closing the jaws with a snap. "Any +constitutional ailment?" + +Bertram blushed heavily. "Only chronic dyspepsia," he admitted at +length. The doctor gave a long whistle. Mistaking the sound a taxicab +drew up. + +"You'd better jump in," he said kindly, taking Bertram's hand and +putting it inadvertently into his own pocket. "I regret to say I cannot +pass you for the Army." + +"Ploughed!" exclaimed our hero. "But if I cannot go as a soldier I will +go as a spy. Drive me to Wigson's," he called to the taxi-driver as he +leapt on to a passing bus. + +Half-an-hour later Bertram, disguised in the uniform of a spy, turned up +the Strand and his coat-collar simultaneously and walked rapidly to +Charing Cross station. He just managed to scramble into the 2.19 as it +steamed from the platform at 3.7. + +II. + +That same evening (or the next) Bertram got out of the train at +Kartoffelnberg, hired a tandem and drove to the German lines. He went +straight to the General. "I shall be obliged if you will kindly tell me +the number and disposition of your forces, and how and when you propose +to advance." + +He spoke in English, but the General--formerly Military Attaché at +Appenrodt's--happily understood him. + +"Certainly," he replied. "Perhaps you would care to examine this map and +plan of campaign?" + +Bertram thanked him, and commenced to trace them upon his spare vest. + +"Don't bother to do that," said the General. "Take this set of +duplicates. The disposition of our forces is clearly marked in red ink, +and their numerical strength certified by a chartered accountant. The +only detail omitted is the number of women and children that will be +placed in the firing-line. Today's bag has not yet been reported." + +An aide-de-camp galloped into the tent, flung himself from his exhausted +mule and saluted. + +"In the name of our noble and august KAISER," he began, "I have the +honour to inform you that we have to-day captured 47 charwomen, 16 +bedridden octogenarians and 21 babies in arms." + +"_Zwanzigheit!_" exclaimed the General excitedly. "Place them in the +forefront of our brave Bogey Head Hussars, and order the advance for ten +o'clock to-morrow morning." + +The aide-de-camp saluted, flung himself on to a fresh mule and galloped +hell for leather to the canteen. + +"I am much obliged for the information you have given me," said Bertram +politely. "It is of paramount importance." + +"You're quite welcome," remarked the General. "By-the-by, what do you +want it for?" + +Our hero rapidly shaved off Wigson's moustache and drew himself up +proudly. "I am a spy," he said. + +"I suspected as much," commented the General. "Kindly touch that bell on +the mantelpiece behind you." + +Bertram touched it; it was as cold as ice. + +"See if it will ring," suggested the General. + +Bertram seized it by the handle and shook it violently. In a moment or +two it rang. A sentry entered. + +"_Einzweidreivierfünf_," said the General, "and riddle him with bullets +at eight to-morrow morning." + +III. + +Early the next morning a knock sounded on the door of Bertram's cell. +The doomed man crossed the room and shot back the bolt. An officer armed +with a howitzer entered. + +"I am instructed to inform you," he said, "that as you are shortly to be +shot you are entitled, according to custom, to choose whatever you wish +for breakfast." + +"Thank you," replied Bertram, "a cup of weak tea and a rusk. +Unfortunately I am a chronic dyspeptic, or I would take fuller advantage +of your kind hospitality." + +A devilish gleam shot from the other's eyes as he heard those words. + +"As you will be dead in an hour," he said, "the fact of your being a +dyspeptic need not trouble you any more than if you were an acrostic. +Let me therefore suggest that you try a sausage or a knuckle of pork." + +Bertram reeled against the piano. Here was an opportunity to gratify his +palate without regard to the consequences. Quickly he made up his mind. + +"Bring me then," he said, "a plate of sausage and sauerkraut, a slab of +marzipan and some Limburger cheese." + +IV. + +It wanted but a few minutes to eight, and Bertram Borstal, with steady +nerves, waited for the striking of the cuckoo-clock in the prison tower. +Once again a knock sounded upon the cell door, and with the utmost +_sang-froid_ he drew the key from his pocket and unlocked it. The +honorary secretary of Germany entered, preceded by three cripples and a +Mother-Superior. + +"I am ready," declared Bertram, calm but pale, "and resigned to my +fate." + +"I am happy to say," said the secretary, "that I am unable to accept +your resignation. We recognise the fact that you are only a spy, and +therefore cannot strictly be said to be bearing arms against us. We have +therefore to apologise for having arrested you; but at the same time I +would ask you kindly to bear in mind that at these times we have much to +think about, and mistakes will happen. You are free." + +"Free?" repeated Bertram, unable to believe either of his ears. + +"Yes, you are free," said the secretary, "and I am empowered to add that +under the circumstances no charge will be made for your breakfast. +_Hochachtungsvoll._" + +He withdrew, and Bertram, picking up his umbrella and gloves, quickly +followed him. + +V. + +Half an hour later Bertram had again entered the German lines, imploring +to be shot for pity's sake. But it was too late; all the rifles were in +use in the firing-line. It was not till he heard this that Bertram +Borstal, racked with indigestion, realised the atrocious barbarity of +his reprieve. + + * * * * * + +SWISS LEAVE. + +"It'll be over by Christmas all right," said James again, but without +conviction. + +"Maybe," I said; "Christmas, 1918, you mean, I suppose?" + +James called me a rude name, as soldiers will, and relapsed into moody +silence. + +I knew what the trouble was. He had booked a room at Spitzeheider for +three weeks in January. They were to be the same party as last year, he +had said at first; but on cross-examination it appeared that this +referred solely to a lady who was described with exaggerated unconcern +as being "rather a good sort." + +And now here were James and I in one of KITCHENER'S camps at ----, +having taken an oath to defend the KING at all costs against his +enemies. + +True, James had been given an old form to read from, and had sworn +allegiance to KING EDWARD VII. without the officer noticing it; but +though at first he tried to clutch at this straw it was only a straw. + +"I find now that KING EDWARD VII. died some years ago," he had said, "so +my oath is not binding, and, if the War is not over by Christmas I shall +point that out and retire." + +However it was found that "His Heir" was mentioned, so that went by the +board. + +"Cheer up, James," I said, "Spitzeheider will be there all right in +1920, even if 'the same party' are all married to other people." + +James did not think my remark in the best possible taste, and said as +much. + +Then he looked up from the map he had been studying with a glad cry. "Do +you know, I think it will be all right after all," he said; "I've been +working it out, and I think it more than possible that we shall by +January be guarding lines of communication somewhere not so very far +from the Swiss frontier. I can get three weeks' leave, join the party at +Spitzeheider, and at the end rejoin our gallant troops in the field." + +"The Swiss won't much care for your marching into their country armed to +the teeth," I said. "You know, James, you cut a very commanding figure +in regimentals. I won't say that a somewhat conservative tailor has +altogether realised that we are inferior physically but superior +intellectually to prehistoric man--I mean the tunic is much too big and +the hat much too small. But you look every inch a recruit, and with any +luck by January you'll look like the best kind of War Lord. No, James, +the Swiss won't pass you through the Customs." + +"Oh, that will be all right!" he said; "I shall take a change of clothes +and leave my uniform and rifle in the cloakroom at the frontier station, +and get them out again on the way back." + +I saw he was in a mood for sweeping aside all difficulties and said no +more. But later I had a new thought for him. "James," I said, "I should +mention that little matter--about the three weeks' leave and the +cloakroom at the frontier station and all that--to your Colonel soon, if +I were you. He'll be busy out there, I dare say, and there will be no +time for explanations. If you've prepared the ground, things will go +smoother. You'll simply say, 'You remember you said you'd give me three +weeks' leave on this date, Sir,' and he'll say, 'All right,' and go on +with the battle, and you'll march off. Only," I added, "let me be there, +James, when you make your original request." + + * * * * * + +The KAISER'S Proclamation (Aix-la-Chapelle) ordered the Germans to +concentrate their attention on the "treacherous English." We have +received several indignant protests from Scotland about the use of the +word "English" in place of "British." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: HOW THE CUBIST, BY A MERE ALTERATION OF TITLES, ACHIEVED +A READY SALE OF UNMARKETABLE PICTURES. + + * * * * * + +AT THE "PLOUGH AND HORSES." + +"What's this we 'ear, Bill? Pleeceman been plaguin' of you to 'list, +that it?" + +"Pleeceman, 'e says to me, 'You 'aven't a wife and you 'aven't a child, +nor you 'aven't no old mother dependin' on you....'" + +"Pleeceman 'e did stop you then?" + +"Pleeceman's a sight too busy sometimes." + +"Thinks this new army depends on 'im and 'im alone." + +"Took all the trouble to come after me, 'e did." + +"Matter of three-quarter-of-a-mile?" + +"All of that." + +"Must 'ave felt yourself a bit important like." + +"That's right. Uphill all the way to our place, it is, an' Pleeceman 'e +fair lost 'is wind. Pleeceman 'e look very fierce--'tis the uniform as +does it, you don't deceive me. Pleeceman 'e says, 'That's right, my fine +fellow; you sit at 'ome in your easy-chair,' 'e says, 'snoring o' nights +on your feather bed, while the brave chaps as is gone to the front lie +on planks o' wood an' eat their soup without so much as a spoon, for the +sake o' them who won't bestir theirselves though the trumpet calls.'" + +"Pleeceman seems to think our friend 'ere's mighty particular." + +"That's 'is idea o' bein' sarcastic like. Pleeceman'll play that game +once too often for the good o' 'is 'ealth." + +"Pleeceman, I reckon, would 'ave been real proud if 'e could 'ave got a +fine young chap like you to fight for KING GEORGE." + +"Pleeceman 'e says to me--when 'e come up to our place all 'urry-scurry +to see after me goin' forth again the enemy--'e says, 'A man as _is_ a +man 'as got to put 'is 'and to the plough now an' save 'is country, +while yet there is time.'" + +"Pleeceman 'e talks wild when 'e's excited." + +"It's takin' your 'and off of the plough, ain't it now?" + +"Seems so to me--God, 'e knows." + +"Pleeceman 'e says to me, 'You go to swell the number as is fightin' for +our England, an' honours'll be showered on you as thick as wapses round +a plum-tree in August,' 'e says; 'crosses an' stars an' 'alf the +alphabet after your name.'" + +"Pleeceman 'e can go it--'istory books ain't in it with 'is +'magination." + +"Gen'rous, too, with what ain't 'is own, same as any man." + +"Pleeceman 'e says, 'Go forth and fight for this our country an' we'll +give you a welcome back as 'll make you stand among us a couple o' +inches taller on that great day....'" + +"Pleeceman 'e do talk wild when e's excited." + +"Pleeceman 'e says, 'You shirk this plain duty a-starin' you in the +face, an' white feathers'll be sproutin' all over of you for a coward as +refuses to do 'is little share when nations are goin' at it 'ammer and +tongs.'" + +"Pleeceman is a sight too bad when 'e be fairly moved. What did you say +to that 'ere?" + +"I says to Pleeceman--'You does your duty, anyway as far as it goes. But +you does it too late in this 'ere case." + +"'Ow was 'e late?" + +"'Cos I'd 'listed day before." + + * * * * * + +IN OUR VILLAGE. + +_To Mrs. Robinson, The Wigwam, Threads, Nr. Bradford._ + +_From Mrs. Cushat, The Vicarage, Yellowcubs, Leicestershire._ + +_Oct. 8, 1914._ + +DEAREST SISSIE,--I have been far too busy to write before. In this +"Clash of Nations," as James finely said in his last sermon, I am +distracted to find suitable holiday amusements for the children. +Fräulein should have returned from her holiday in Berlin six weeks ago +and was prevented with all her boxes ready packed to come; but perhaps +it's as well, as James speaks of the Germans in the strongest +terms--quite rightly so, of course; but one would be sorry for the poor +girl to feel ashamed of her relations. + +Our only alien is poor old Miss Schmidt, who has taught music for thirty +years. We all try to be lenient and nice to her at my work-parties, +which are widely attended. James calls them a mixture of Dorcas and +Bellona--ask Harry to explain. The boys are helping to make saddle-pads +for the horses at the front. They try each pad on our old Dobbin and are +wild for him to go on service at once; but James has just decided that a +Vicar's pony's place is in the last line of the Reserves. + +You asked me how long the war would continue. We have had quite a lot of +talk with the Admiral and dear old General Ramrod about it; but James +says, with the utmost respect for their characters, that these naval and +military men are so hide-bound. In his opinion hostilities will be over +in two months from now. He says: + +When the British Lion roars +Foreign legions go indoors! + +You know his funny way. The boys are now shouting this all about the +garden, and trying to roar like lions. I have the greatest difficulty in +preventing them from going to fight other children out of sheer +patriotism. The darlings do look so nice and smart. I could not resist +buying them flags and tin swords and helmets like real soldiers in spite +of the Moratorium, which I called by mistake _crematorium_, and James +made delightful fun about it. He also said some clever thing about banks +which I can't recall; it may come to me later. + +Every one talks of nothing but the war. Even the errand-boys must have +their say; I caught one of them setting up our nice loin chops in the +dusty drive and knocking them down with pebbles for bombs; while the +girl who fetched the laundry stayed for an hour in the kitchen teaching +cook First Aid bandaging, and dinner was spoilt in consequence. However +these are all the little discomforts of war and must be borne in a +cheerful spirit. + +Your affectionate Sister, MARY. + +P.S.--Dear James's joke was about John Bull and bullion. Harry will +understand and appreciate it. + + * * * * * + +MY BROTHER'S LETTER. + +Relations used to be for the most part a bore, and, unless rich, it was +well that they were disregarded. But the war has altered all that. The +war has brought relations, no matter how humble, into fashion. + +Not all, but some. I have as a matter of fact myself one brother in the +Fusiliers, in camp, and another who is a special constable and three +times has reported an airship by telephone; but these do not count. It +is fathers, brothers, cousins, sons, uncles and nephews at the Front who +count. + +Anyone who can refer to a real relation at the Front is just now +conversationally on velvet, while, if a letter from this relation can be +produced and read, everyone else must give way. SYDNEY SMITHS, THEODORE +HOOKS, RICHARD PORSONS, THOMAS BABINGTON MACAULAYS even, would be +three-a-penny to-day as against one obscure individual who happened to +have a brother in the trenches and a letter in his handwriting. + +But that is not all. There is reflected glory too. To know a person who +has a relation at the Front is to be immeasurably promoted socially, and +most of the conversations which one overhears in trains and elsewhere +have some such opening as this: "A friend of my brother's has seen a +Belgian...." "A cousin of my wife's who is a doctor in a field hospital +says...." "I know a man who was talking with a wounded Tommy, and +he...." "An undergraduate friend of my boy's who is just back from +France...." Once stories begun in this way would empty a room; but not +so now. Now they no longer devastate but fascinate. It does not matter +what the stories are about, the fact remains that an opening gambit +which three months ago would stamp a man as a triple bore now holds +everyone breathless. In short, relations at last have come to their own. +Another achievement of WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN! + +For the most part they bear upon German atrocities, just as a little +while ago they were the preliminaries to unmistakable evidence of the +presence in this country of thousands of Russians travelling from +Scotland to Southampton by underground passage and other mysterious +ways. I myself believed in those Russians absolutely, and relinquished +them with pain and sorrow; and all because they were attested to by +other people's relations. This helps to show what a hold the relation is +getting on us. In fact no story of the war is now possible without some +kith and kin in it. + +Personally I am much out in the cold. Those two brothers I told you of +may serve to fill a gap now and then--a gap left by other more +entertaining raconteurs--but they are not, as I said, any real good. +Both are in England, and one will never leave it. But if things were +different.... If only that soldier brother had joined earlier and had +written to me from Rheims, say, or Compiègne, how my stock would fly up! +Or if that other one would even now fling away his truncheon, enlist in +time to share the march to Berlin, and then sit down to tell me all +about it, what a swell I should become! How dinner-parties would +assemble to hear me! + +As it is, I have to-day to do the best I can either with the tame +home-keeping exploits of these two, or, by listening with excessive +sympathy or by other parasitical endeavour, acquire a reversionary +interest in someone else's relation's narrative. I have even, in order +to cut some sort of a figure in a company where relations were being +used with dashing success--I have even gone so far as to appropriate the +gardener's boy's uncle, last heard of from Cambrai, as a personal and +communicative friend, and claim an intimate association with his letter +home. + +And how splendid if all that could be changed! + +"My brother," I could say boldly and with truth,--"my brother has sent +me a few lines from Berlin, the substance of which you might care to +hear." Of course they would be falling over each other to hear, but that +is my artful way. "He camped out," I should go on, "in the Thiergarten. +He says that to see the French waving their arms and cheering on the top +of the Brandenburg Gate was one of the finest things possible to +imagine. He had one bit of special luck: he was chosen to be one of the +guard to protect the removal of the Kaiser Friedrich Museum pictures +which are coming to London. He says that among these is the famous +portrait of ALEXANDER DEL BORRO (No. 413A) which is among our little +lot." + +That would be worth living for--the triumph of that relation's letter! +It cannot, I fear, be mine; but surely it will be somebody's.... + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Sergeant_ (_looking for likely talent_). "DOES YOUR +HORSE JUMP AT ALL?" + +_Recruit._ "OH NO, SIR, THANK YOU. HE'S A VERY NICE HORSE!" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Some part of the fascination that I found in _Tributaries_ (CONSTABLE) +was perhaps due to the interest of a problem. On the cover I am told +that the author "chooses to be anonymous in order that his story should +not suffer from the least suggestion of a party bias." And of course, +after reading this, I simply had to discover who it was. By the time I +reached the last page I had formed a tolerably confident guess. But I +will not commit myself further than to say that no one, however +"well-known in Great Britain and America" (the publisher again is my +authority), need be ashamed to own up to _Tributaries_, which is quite +one of the best written novels of the year. It is the story of a modern +demagogue, a young apostle of political nonconformity, part charlatan, +part zealot, who comes to town from a provincial chapel, and ends up a +glorious failure as a soured and unpopular Cabinet Minister. There is an +unusual quality in the characterisation and humour of this story of +_Maurice Sangster_. Page after page abounds with touches of observation +which betray the practised hand. The end, in its dry, unemotional +justice, approaches real tragedy. One small point. _Maurice's_ +father-in-law, who hates and wishes to humiliate him, finds his +opportunity when a turn of the party wheel throws the Minister out of +office and into poverty. Her father thereupon allows _Mrs. Sangster_ +fifteen hundred a year for household expenses on condition that +_Maurice_, who is scraping a bare hundred by his pen, shall not learn of +this help till the old man's selected moment for abasing him. An +intelligent woman who read the tale objected that no man, even a +journalist, could long remain ignorant that he was spending fifteen +hundred pounds more than he earned. I think she had a case. But the book +remains a remarkable one. + +My own feeling about _A Soldier of the Legion_ (METHUEN) is that it +suffers from some excess of plot. That clever couple, C. N. and A. M. +WILLIAMSON, can handle a complicated intrigue better than most; but here +their battle-front, so to speak, is of such extent that even they seem +to have found it impossible to sustain the attack at every point. We +began splendidly. When _Max Doran_, rich, popular and just betrothed to +a star of musical comedy, hears suddenly that he isn't _Max Doran_ at +all, but a pauper changeling, and that the real child of his parents (if +I make myself clear) is a dull-witted girl who has been spirited away to +Africa--I said to myself, now there is an exciting time ahead. So there +was, but not in the way I had expected. For when _Max_ goes out to +Africa to find the missing one he finds her all right, but himself gets +involved in a totally different and not so promising complication. The +consequence is that the career of the enriched _Josephine_ and her union +with the wicked lawyer (all things about which I greatly wanted to hear) +have to be dismissed in a few lines. As compensation we get some good +desert pictures and a moving description of life in the Foreign Legion, +of which _Max_ becomes a member. But his other African adventures, and +the sub-sub-plot of the abduction of a Moorish maiden by her Spanish +lover, left me disappointed and detached. Of course _Max_ embraces the +heroine on the last page; and I could not but admire the resource with +which, having dropped the curtain upon this climax, the authors ring it +up again for an added paragraph (my metaphor is getting somewhat +uncertain, but no matter), which brings the story to the warlike +present. On the whole a readable book, but not quite equal to the best +from the same firm. + + * * * * * + +Since the short prefatory note to _Raymond Poincaré_ (DUCKWORTH) tells +me that the book was not hastily mobilised and sent into the firing line +earlier than its author had intended, I must conclude that he is +prepared to meet the onset of the critic. I will therefore suggest to +him--and this the more boldly because he is anonymous--that he sometimes +treats French politics, both international and domestic, with an +allusiveness rather tantalising to the average English reader. "The +events of 1904," he says airily, and expects us to remember them at +once. This is a Gallic trait which would have caused us, I suppose, had +we possessed it here, to allude to the open space at the top of +Whitehall as "the square of the 21st of October." There is a supreme +interest for us at the present moment in this study of the man whose +dignified attitude towards Germany during the Moroccan crisis, and +support of the _entente_ with ourselves, has gone far to alter England's +traditional policy in European affairs. It is noteworthy that the writer +takes a very firm line about our duty in this respect, and gravely +deprecates the then growing feeling of friendship with Germany. It is +his opinion that M. POINCARÉ probably "exercises more influence in his +own country ... as regards foreign policy than did any of his +predecessors." He would also have us appreciate the French PRESIDENT'S +many-sided ability as a lawyer, financier, and educationalist. Indeed, +his proposed Budget of 1906 might well have earned him a reputation as +formidable as that of one whom I will not name. They tell me that M. +POINCARÉ has been to the front. I hope I he saw there some worthy fruits +of his strong policy in time of peace. + + * * * * * + +I have not before met with a book by A. S. M. HUTCHINSON, the author of +_The Clean Heart_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). That is my loss, for he has a +curious intensity of vision, an arresting way of making objective his +thoughts by a sort of nervous battering emphasis of repetition. And he +has things to say. A curious theme and painful. One _Wriford_, editor +and novelist, breaks down from overwork and hovers about the ineffably +dread borderline, crossing and recrossing. And first that grotesque +tramp, _Puddlebox_, drunken, devout, affectionate optimist, with his +"Oh, ye loonies of the Lord, bless ye the Lord: praise Him and magnify +Him for ever;" then the oldest sea-captain living, with his "portograph" +in _The Daily Picture_; then a preparatory school, full of boys; last, +and most effectively, simple, sweet laughing _Essie_, daughter of the +cert. plumber--all help variously to win him out of his morbid wrestling +to mental and spiritual health. A live book this, and to be commended +very warmly. But there are one or two difficulties. Those grotesqueries +of the tramp and the fantastically laughable adventures of _Wriford_ in +his company--do they mingle quite smoothly with the painfully realistic +manifestations of poor _Wriford's_ state? Can so dreadful a theme ride +off successfully on so bizarre a steed? And then again, was not the +whole agony of the man on the physical and mental, not the spiritual +plane? For did not _Wriford_ before his illness give many obvious signs +of unselfishness? Is there not in effect a certain confusion of the +clean heart with the unclouded mind? I suspect the author has some +subtle sufficient answer. And anyway I urge everyone to make +acquaintance with two very lovable folk, the tramp and little _Essie_, +among many others. + + * * * * * + +_Ape's Face_ (LANE) takes its title from the name bestowed by her family +upon the heroine. It is not, you will admit, either a usual or an +attractive name; but then Miss MARION FOX is by no means a usual writer, +though she is in many ways a strangely attractive one. Perhaps you +recall certain earlier tales of hers which displayed the same +characteristics that you will find in this, though I think they were not +perhaps quite so definitely bogie. I used a wrong qualification there. +Definite is exactly what Miss FOX'S bogies are not, and in this they +show their own good sense, and hers. She knows quite well that to define +a supernatural element is to lessen enormously its flesh-creeping +capabilities. Your flesh will creep all right over _Ape's Face_ several +times; though perhaps you may agree with me at the end that the book is +really an enlarged Christmas tale, and would gain by being reduced to +magazine dimensions. I have I not yet told you what it is all about. +Very briefly, there is a family and a curse. This curse--with regard to +the exact details of which I still find myself a little vague--used to +express itself by causing murders from time to time among the brothers +and sisters of the House. The tale is told in a detached and purposely +elusive way that adds much to its effect, chiefly as it is felt by one +_Armstrong_, a stranger who comes to stay with the _Mortons_ at a time +when their very unpleasant family habit was due to manifest itself. "You +cannot move about the house without feeling that the thing has nearly +_broken through_." The italics in this chance quotation are mine, and +used to emphasize a rare feeling for the most haunting phrase, a feeling +which gives distinction throughout to the story. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Special Constable_ (_to suspicious lounger_). "NOW, LOOK +HERE, IF YOU DON'T CLEAR OFF, I'LL--TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO--I'LL CALL A +POLICEMAN!" + + * * * * * + + "Experienced Chauffeur wants situation; careful diver." + + _Advt. in "Gloucester Citizen."_ + +A useful man in a whirlpool of traffic. + + * * * * * + + "When the foe was announced, the country men did open the doors of + their stables to let the beasts over run in the neighbourhood. + Amongst them was a bull, who came out in the street, similling, + bending his hocks and waiterig anxious. + + At this time, the gun started to boom. The beast, then, urshed and + gone away from the village. On the knoll a german section had just + taken place. The bull fell amongst, his horns forward, fool of rage. + He knocked down the Germans like skittles." + + _"Démocratie de L'Ouest (English-French edition)."_ + +This is almost as picturesque as some of the work of the "Eye-witness at +General Headquarters." + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, October 14, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 28360-8.txt or 28360-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/3/6/28360/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Neville Allen, +Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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